Punch 1854: Vol 27

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LONDON : PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET. AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS, 1854,

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_,. fT T will be no more than the proper thing todo. Our Volume— Mr. Puncn’s Twenty-Seventh Volume— shall be sent, an alliance-offering, to the people of France. To that end, the tome was significantly, magnificently bound: printed upon vellum of ul ion i) nn fo’ the choicest South-Down sheep. How the bright, black ink flashed from the many faces as Mr. Puncu, in his own room, 85, Fleet Street, complacently turned over the leaves,—the faces, alive and glancing; and smiling, and bobbing heads, and mouths curving, and eye-brows lifting,—a thousand faces, thousands of features, vital, animated! Mr. Puncu reverently closed the book; that he might consider the binding. For Mr. Puncu’s Twenty-Seventh Volume was to be placed for all time on a shelf of polished British oak in the Royal Library of France ; an offering to the alliance that in the year of manful daring, was consecrated by the mingled blood of both nations. The book—we have said it—was significantly bound. On one cover was emblazoned the lions of England in heraldic field; on the other the honey-bees of sunny France! Strength and sweetness were g ; ) ) here together ; even as the honey in the lion of Samson. And thus were England and France bound together, with nothing but good fellowship, and give- and-take jest and good humour—written and symbolised in the leaves of Punca—between them. And as it is in 1854, so may it ever be! Still—how, how shall we present our Volume to the people of France? Through the French Ambassador? Not so? Then how? Let us consider it.

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PREFACE. Mr. Puncu sat in his easy chair—(it was never easier, for his Almanack was done, and like summer swallows, had flown away in tens and tens of thousands, twittering promises of sunshine, and fruits, and flowers)—sat, and pondered the when and the how? Mr. Punca, with his encyclopedic brow in his hand sat and—slept. Forty winks—only forty winks ! Mx. Puwen crosses the Channel; haleyons on the wave, and laughing mermaids lifting up their pocket-mirrors that therein Mr. Punca might behold his glorious face! Ma. Pence lands at Boulogne; his Volume under his arm. A very storm of silver sounds blown from silver trumpets greets his landing. Fishwomen, with coal-black, fiery eyes, and faces fresh as sea- breezes, rush with one accord; catch him in their arms, and carry him to the railway,—French ladies from windows and balconies raining on him roses. The train is off—and at the Paris station Mr. Puncu is met by the Mayor or Paris and all the municipal authorities. The Mayor, having paid his first compliments, asked where was Lonp Moon, his cher confrére and contemporain? Mr. Pencua, with the candour that has ever glorified his character, observes that he had come to bask in the Sun of Austerlitz, and cared not to remember the Moon of | Portsoken. ‘C'est fort bien,” said the Mayor or Paris; and Mr. Puncu ascended a triumphal car | drawn by eight white horses to the Hotel de Ville. There never was such a banquet—and, perhaps, Mr. Pcncu was never so eloquent. At the proper time he rose, and presenting his Volume (through the Mayor or Paris) to the People of France, begged to be allowed to hope that the affections, feelings, and interests of the two countries might continue for ever bound together, even as the leaves of Puncn were bound and enclasped by the arms of Britain and Gaul. On this, there was a salvo of cannon that—put an end to Mr. Puncu’s forty winks. Never- theless he resolved to go straightway to Paris that his dream might become a verity. Loro Crarenvon having heard of Mr. Puncn’s determination begged that he would charge himself | with the blue riband for Ganwerat Canrosert, the same riband that bound him and his brother hero, Ractan ; symbolizing the mutual wishes of England and France that so, for all time, they might be tied up in glory and in friendship.

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Bensows, Howes, and Parnce ALBERTS. intends to present Ais image to a British man-of-war, that of “ Patience on a Monument,” smiling at Sebastopol. THE VIRGIN AFLOAT. do not deal in saints afloat ; IMPORTANT FROM THE SEAT OF WAR! LETTERS FROM THE EAST BY OUR OWN BASHI-BOZOUK. “My pear Sir, “ Tue Police silently retired about three in the morning, leaving | for you? you are no longer a Chieftain ation at an| Kingdom; or if you are, I must claim you. had | rebel, send you back to Ireland for trial | Turrsxmx flayed alive, and myself burning with indi | insult which, though it had fallen on Count Danuta shoulders “Sm H—m—tr—wn said very fairly, ‘My fellow, what can I do i gentleman of the United I must claim you as a been intended for me. MaTitpa Scnovzorr—beautiful, beloved, faithless |to Van Diemen’s Land, where probably you will not act as certain Matitpa—had rescued me from that peril : she had got an inkling, on the | ate that previous evening from the Police Mmister, her father, of the was destined for me. “It was pretended that I was a Russian subject. I had indeed accepted service with the Emrzror—and of what country am I a subject since that day when, a fugitive and an exile, | shook off my country and my allegiance with the bootless clods of Ballingarry ?— nevertheless, writhing at the notion of the insult, | rushed away imme- | diately after breakfast, and sent up a note to our—I mean the ‘English minister, Sin H—u—tr—w S—u— B—m— desired to see him: his Excellency knew me as a gentleman before I was an exile; we have danced together at Almack’s and the Tuileries many times, and always lived on terms of the greatest cordiality. — intimating that the M——— of friends of yours have done.’ “T said if his Excellency meant Messns. M. and N., though I Tue Czar lately presented a miraculous image, by way of figure-head, to a Russian three- | decker; and afew days ago, Louis Naroteon sent Ais image of the Vincin Many to the French fleet ; the image was blessed on board the Inflerible, and will no doubt be quite equal to the Russian saint, should they ever meet. e merely adopting for English figure-heads, homely unblessed wood cut and carved into Nevertheless, it is said that the Prime Minister | when you will be transported | might not possibly approve of their proceedings, yet I was prepared | to blow out the brains of any man who questioned their strict honour, and so I tell Mra. Dorry to his face here as I write—thousands | 3 — away from home under the battlemented walls of Redout .aleh ! “ When his Excellency heard of Turrsxin’s misadventure, he burst out laughing as if the deuce was in him, and so did that queer fellow his Seeretary, who was in the room when our interview took place. | can see for my part nothing comic in the transaction; however, as the bastinado had been administered in private, a; all these things are kept dark in Petersburg, as Turrsk.n to this day believes he got the rattan on his private account, I agreed with my friends the English diplo- VOL. XXVIL, ele neahiahts wena:

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matists that it was best for me to make no noise about the business, and to walk the streets as if nothing had happened. “That afternoon, about two o’clock, | was standing before Jacon’s the printseller’s shop, talking and jok with young Atexis Mrxo- LADOWAX: who should pass us in his brown Droschki, in which the etiquette is never to recognise him, but the Emperor himself! | happened to be cracking with laughter at one of ALExis’s stories (a very queer one about my friend Couwr Cancnim) when his Majesty assed, = A man who had been flayed alive at two o’clock in the morning shaking bis sides with laughter on the Alexander Platz, at two in the afternoon—here was a strange occurrence! The Exrrnox locked at me as if I had been a ghost: he turned quite livid when he saw me. I appeared to take no notice, laughed and chatted on with ALEexts, and pretended to be looking at the brass statue of St. Grecorius Nazian- zENUS, which stands in the Place. “ Gallant men never kiss and tell, so [ leave such to imagine the rapturous meeting which took place that evening in the blue saloon of the Winter Palace between me and my lovely rescuer—the pressure of the hand, which, though but momentary, causes the frame to thrill with happiness—the rapid glance of the eye, more eloquent than a thousand speeches. Ob! Matitpa! Can it be that you have for- gotten me so soon, and for a Qu——~; but I am advancimmg matters— no woman could be fonder or truer than Matiupa was then. “ It was, I have said, a Thursday evening, the night of the Empress’s weekly reception. Our Quaker friends had come to take leave; they were to depart indeed before it was light the next morning, and recollect Matrupa asking me why young Ma. Dopkins was not present, whom IL had introduced to her family, from which he had received great and constant attention. The young Quaker is a man of enormous wealth, and I recollect Matizpa and myself counting up, in roubles, the amount of the mcome which he receives in pounds sterling for his share of the business. “J janghed. I supposed Dopkixs wanted to keep his moustaches, and did not care to face his uncle, old Jepepian Dopkiys, who with some of the old members of the deputation, lived with an old friend, a serious tallow merchant on the English Quay. “T went into the Imperial presence with the rest, and made my bow to their Majesties, The dear Empress, I thought, turned away her head from me with a very mournful expression, whereas the Autocrat looked as black as thunder. I did not mind his black looks ; made my obeisance, and retired presently into the pink and silver drawing-room, where Fatconnet’s silver bust of the Empress Catuerrye stands, and where the Maids-of-Honour commonly sit and have tea; it is ex- ceedingly good at St. Petersburg, as everybody knows, and I drank two or three and twenty cups whilst chattering with these charming girls. “ Presently I saw Matiipa coming, with a look of great anxiety in her face; she beckoned me to speak to her, and I followed her into the embrasure of the window, in which the Curm and Psycuez stands looking out on the Tolstoi Square, “*Oh, my Mutiicanovitcn,’ she said, ‘my Nijni, my Moujik, my Caviare, my M--—, my beautiful, my brave, my best beloved, | have dreadful news for you.’ “ * Speak, cushia ma chree na boclish,’ says 1, (the Celtie and the Sclavonie dialects are very similar), seizmg her lovely hand, and pressing it to my beating waistcoat ; ‘speak, light of my eyes, and tell me what is the matter.’ “* You asked for passports for Prussia this morning at the Police Office, and they were promised to you.’ “* They were, adored creature ; will you fly with me?’ “*Oh MutiiGanoviren,; (such a heavenly expression of the eyes here) you will never be allowed to depart to Prussia: to-morrow at ten o'clock, somebody who tells me everything—get away you jealous creature, and don’t be jealous of him, or doubt your poor little Matripa, —informs me that you will be seized and sent to Siberia: you are con- sidered as a naturalized Russian subject. The Emperor laughed for a moment when he heard of poor Count Turrskin being mistaken for you. Oh, dear, dear Muiiscanoviron, I could not sleep all night for thinking of what might befal you; but after his laugh, i grew more | angry than ever, and bad it not been,for the Empress going on her knees to him this very evening, the itt: rid operation would have been performed on you.’ “ | ground my teeth, crunching between them the execration which otherwise had issued from my lips. To be sent to Siberia—the thought was madness ! “* Ladies are not allowed to go there,’ sobbed out Martina, divining the causes of my emotion; ‘they will separate me from my MuLiicanoviten ; they will marry me to that horrid tipsy Turrsx: ;’ “| don’t know what I should have done in that moment of grief and joy had not Matripa’s mamma called her at this very juncture, and leit me to contemplate my fate, and (to quote the beautiful words of Generat Woxrr), bitterly think of the morrow. “Go to Siberia! I swore I would die first. ing Ing “ Basni-Bozovx.” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. TEMPERANCE IN TRUTH. “Tue mixture of a lie ever pleaseth,” says Lonp Bacon; un- fortunately for himself, a sad authority for the truthfulness of the | saying. he Scotch are a mation of philosophers. There is in ) Edinburgh many a philosopher who, like DioGengs, would live in a | tub—if the tub were made a whiskey-cask inside, with “ water-cask ” in large letters painted externally. It must be confessed that teetotallers are, at times, terribly temperate in wate’; especially in that particular water drawn from the well of truth. their nostrils as though it reeked with the penal fires of Islay or Glenlivat. But, like Dioceyss, they are philosophers, and can lie very comfortably in every sort of cask. Truth’s bucket is as hateful to | The folks of Glasgow, it seems, rejoice in a new local act—may it | remain national with them as the national thistle !—that forbids the furnishing not only of drink, but of meat, to amy man, woman, or child, | hungering for a tavern dinner, unless the m said, are dwellers of the hostelry, sleeping there ! woman, or child, afore- | What is the consequence, as related in the 7imes, by an authenticated | correspondent ? Two men are starving for a dinner. They enter a | tavern: are resolutely denied the meal; but at length obtain it, by | taking beds for the night! They are permitted the use of knife and fork under the fiction that they are to wear nightcaps! They are allowed to have a fow! for dimmer, on the lie that they take with it, goose-feathers. Such are the beds of Justice in Scotland at this hour ; most truly of Justice, for here she must sleep in them; sleep the sleep of whiskey—the sleep of temperance, temperate of truth ! Doctor LatHaM, in his } for the Crystal Palace, gives specimens of certain savages, who thrust pieces of wood through the lobes of their ears; amd cause the most unnatural projection of the under lip, as offermgs to their sense of the beautiful. Are there no unsophisticated folks who, in the same way, sacrifice to their sense of truth? who project the lip with a Phari- Tandbook to the Courts of Natural History | saical lie; and to prove that they do not take the toddy-ladle to their | own mouths, insist upon thrusting it through the lobes of their neigh- bours’ ears ? two from the natives of Caledonia. THE WRITING-MASTER AT THE HOME-OFFICE. Lorp Patmerston in addition to the many matters he has on his own hands, has been directing his energies to the hands written by those who are under him. should object to such “ fists ” correspondence at the Home Office. He has accordingly dealt out a few raps on the knuckles, the effect of which will, we trust, be satis- factory. The next thing for his Lordship to do, will be to issue appropr ate copies to the various departments of the Government. Ve can imagine a few of those sentences for copy-books, which in his mixed position of moralist and minister, would most probably occur to bm :— Beil communications corrupt good Lord John Manners. Uf Sibthorp’s bliss, tis folly to be other-swise, It’s a long political life that has no turning. Government waste makes National want. The Duke of Decanters. Waew the Krxc or Portveat and bis brother, the Duke or Oporto, partook of the meat-breakfast, genteelly called déjeudner a la JSourchette, at the Mansion House the other day, there were, as we are informed, some curious wines on the table. To the Duxe or Oporto We wish Doctor Latsam would add a specimen or | It is perfectly natural that the bottle-holder | as he has oecasionally met with in his | the most curious of these wines a we believe, a purple sort of | wine, if it can be called wine, nearly as strong as brandy; and we have good reason for stating, that the when his Royal Highness was told that this liquor was the produce of | We trust that the Dvuxe or Opvorto’s visit to the | Mansion House will be followed by results advantageous to the Port | his own dukedom. of London, and consequently to that of England. An Evil Liver. Tuer say that Nicmoras is labouring under a liver affection—the only sort of affection of which his nature is capable. It a , there- fore, that the Czar is troubled with bile; and there can be no doubt that he complains bitterly of Gaul. A Boraxtco-Mepico Provers.—Patients are Simples that do not | grow in every medical man’s garden. Juke’s astonishment was excessive | }

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

the Danabe, that he declares he has one Luperst there, uta

A DAY OF ABSOLUTE REST. Acamsst Mz. Houme’s mo- tion for a resolution that the moral and in- tellectual improvement of the working classes would be promoted by the opening of collec- tions of natural history — objects of art as as gin-shops, after ban ok service on a — 2 a seems , = one thing to be

which is, that Sunday ought to be observed literally as a day of rest ; so that the working classes during the imtervals between the servites ought to go to sleep. As sleep at will, a is not procurable without the aid of seme nar- cotic drug, or influence, Mr. Hume’s opponents should suggest some’ scheme for supplying | the pablic with cheap —— or for establishing district mesmerizers. For all the, | population cannot go te C and all would certainly not be sent ba there, and though ae yet very few sermons would have such an e drowsy effect as te plunge the hearers in slumber for ail the rest of the dag.

“4 MISSIONARY CHURCH.” Mr. Hewumr conscientiously objected to the elause that, im the py — University Bill, allows aeademical honours to stiffnecked Dissenters. ther | would not swear amd subscribe to articles, wherefore should .__ have letters affixed to their names? These literal honours ought to remain the as sive reward of the members of the Established Church as a very trifling com- nsation for the unceasing care and interest bestowed by that Church upon ail uman souls; the more especially on those errant, vagabond souls that were wont to remain unclaimed, going here and there, and nowhere, altogether heedless of the sheep-bell tinkling to the Chureh flock. Mn. Huniey objected to the clause, and the hon, (and ‘revolutionary ) gentleman who proposed it must recollect that— “ It was the duty of our Established Church to look after those who would not look after them- selves. The Established Church was a Missionary Church to a large portion of the people. He moved as an amendment, that the clause be read a second time that day six months.” But the clause—the door-opening clause—was, to the consternation of Mz. er and his fellow-labourers in the cause of the Established Church, and the Missionary Church mightily wronged and scandalised thereby. Met Established Church was a Missionary Church to a large portion of the people. This affecting fact explains to us the constant practice of so many bishops archdeacons, and prebends and deans, whom we continually meet in alleys and byways—and always where the poor and ignorant swarm the thickest—in a sort of lowly pilgrim-guise, their footsteps tempted and drawn to the abodes of squalor and of vice. Now we know why the Bisnor or Lonpon himself is so uty met with in Spitalfields, in ‘Lambeth—on Mutton Hill—in infidel Giles’s. He is the model Missionary of a Missionary Church; and he con- _ and eschews all the Church dramas as produced regardless of a at St. Barnabas and St. Paul’s, Knightsbridge,— —giving all his heart and all his soul to look after those of the anges flock, who “ will not look after themse ives.” Belgravia is safe in the piety of her own estimation, but Tothill-fields is running to weeds, choked Apt ob! darnel. May Fair smells her Church flowers, and sniffs the preeiny! piety oa Roman roses; but Kag Fair has nota single leaf of the Herb of Grace wherewith to scent and sweeten the foul earthiness of her fallen nature; and therefore it is to Rag Fair and not to May Fair—to the Place of Tatters, and not to the Feast of Roses, that our Bromriztp—sweetly- smelling syllables ! —takes hia missionary way, and calls with silver voice to the | careless, scattered flock. The Established Chureh is, then, the real Missionary Church. Here and there a Dissenter or pe may Ww = redeem a black or spe imet barbarian— rejoicing in the treasure of uan and Patagonian proselyte—but it is the Bissor or Lonpow, and such as he, — wandering forth in the savage places of the British metropolis, call in and secure the wandering sheep whose footsteps would otherwise print their way to perdition! rts of his generals on

Oxp Nick’s Last.—Nicwoxas has been so misled by the

LORD ABERDEEN’S EXPLANATION. Ir’s very hard, and go it is, To be misrepresented By a set of low press-writers, ‘Ill-informed and discontented. So here [ am upon my legs To offer ex tion, (Though of what there is to be explained I pause for information. ) They say I’m Russian-minded— The charge is quite ridiculous ; Tis five and twenty years ago Since I pitched into Nicwotas ; Took the liberty to NessELRovE Those same harsh truths to state, my Lords, W _ I checked Lorp Lynpuvrst, t’other night, For advancing in debate, my Lords. If I now say Russia strives not For extension of dominion, You'll find in my despatch, my Lords, The opposite opinion. In twenty-nine I was in fact Courageously asserting out The very things low writers now Are ignorantly blurting out. es other nigh pry Stem -* But you mt find my — aq im twenty-nine, Another view to breach meant ; I doubt if Lonp Crawarcarne, In his present most rash line, my Lords, Per unmasked Russ double-dealing More than I—in ae? mi Lords. a shall ~ <* ic Lords, wh 3 ~ — zar now tries to hateh, my Lords And if my words in fifty-four, To my words in twenty-nine, my Lords, Are found to be as black to white, Why that’s no fault of mine, my Lords. , To polihiest necessities inions must give o’er, my Lords ; And the state of things in ‘twenty. nine, Was not that in fifty-four, my Lords. Then I abused the Russians, But from fighting I forbore with them . Now I defend the Russians, But then we are at war with them. But you need not be alarmed, my Lords, Lest this should cheek our action ; If 1’ve deprecated war, my Lords, (As I own with satisfaction, ) If my speeches in the house have worn The tone of Russian pleadings, In the Cabinet. I’ve always wreed The most vigorous p For my effort it has always been ‘Lo exert my ingenuity In keeping up ’twixt words and acts A wholesome incongruity. Large words and great deeds too, is waste At whieh my Seoteh heart bleeds, my Lords, So allow me to sing small, While Engtand does great deeds, my Lords.

The Bashful Musecovite. Tarre is a great deal of truth in what Lonp Apenpern says. We ought not to be too hard upon the Emrpvnon Nicnotas. People have hastily accused him of unseru Prineipalities, ulous audacity ; whereas, by evacuating the ibe now exhibits himealf as quite a retiring charaeter. Suoutp ApEeRpEEN Have as Sratvu? — Certainly he whole le host of De- Laders. ' should— the * “ slatu one ante,” ; $

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Old Lady. “ Goopwess Gracious, Mr. Boatman! Wuat’s THat?” Stolid Boatman. “Tuat, Mum! Nvutruvx, Mom. Ovsty tHe Artitiery a Prac-7/stx’, AND THAT’s ONE 0’ THE Cannon SALLS wuHaT’s JUST sTkUCK THE Warter!! THE PREVISION OF PUNCH. ALL THE FUN OF THE FIELD. Mr. Puncn has never been mesmerised, and rendered cataleptic, or| Is the course of a recent tour through arural district, a corres- a somnambulist. It is impossible to throw into a state of sleep one so ponies informs us that he met with as many as three jokes. These constitutionally wide-awake. In short, the clairvoyance of A/r. Punch facetiew were all included in one field, namely, a wheat field, and they | is natural lucidity. The faculty of clear-sight is nevertheless possessed | consisted, each, in two bund!es of cornstalks twisted into ropes, and by Mr. Punch, in a much higher degree than what would suflice to | tied across a narrow path bisecting the crop, by which ingenious ar- enable him to perceive, through his office wall, what might.be going on | rangement any person walking that way in the twilight would ‘be | in the adjoining establishment. Recent accounts from Russia represent | tripped up, and the result would be a bit of fun—no less, perhaps, than the Emrsron of that country as being afflicted with a bad Jeg, a/ the fracture of his legs, or nose, or skull. Being a stolid kind of pers " “mind diseased,” and a pertinacious liver complaint. Everybody who | our correspondent destroyed these jokes with his walking-stick. He knows anything of medicine will infer that the bad leg and the could not concur with the rustic mind in considering breaking a limb disordered intellect in all probability depend on the diseased liver. Did to be cracking a joke, and did not reflect that by hindering somebody | not Mr. Punch, before the war, when hostilities were only imminent, | or other from getting crippled, he spoiled sport. declare his conviction that their outbreak would be the eruption of | the Czar’s internal evils: that the insane course which Nicolas was | yasoung was the consequence of a mental affection, arising from a bilious disorder ? Did he not even suggest blue pall? The, few locks which | MURDER FROM THE FRENCH. orn the head of Wr. Punch are now in the state the quills of the 2s . : , | “fretful porcupine.” He is, like Prorgsson Katrenretto with his | mi trast _ ay —— oo _ be taken ae 2 om - hair on end, wondering at his own wonders. But what is the use of fi = the ¥ —, enamna te M. oon som ied ~ ‘ th Con or | wondering at the high truths of medical philosophy? It were better to | of Ip vs plays both tach as j= ee eee meee | =. in no Cone ~_ Laon = a few grains of mercurial pill, an immense | changes are said to be, by certain of our critics, most marvellous. A q 7 , | thinking public is called upon not to wonder at the rapidity and variety ———— === | of the moral and physical emotions of a player, but at the miraculous The G cR | rapidity with which the actor changes his p anil Thus, as usual at ame of Russia. | the Princess’s, the inspired dramatist is the tailor ; and the poet’s steed, Srnatecy is generally considered to resemble Chess ; but the retro- | not a Pegasus, but a clothes-horse. de movement of the Russians across the Pruth looks rather like . siieeeaiiiiniies ae k-Gammon. SiS ee = , | Ovz Piovs Premrer.—It is universally admitted that Lonp Ansr- Q. Wur is the drum in an orchestra like the Government ? DEEN’s explanation is the most conspicuous act of Aumdie-piety on A. Because it is beaten almost every night. | record. ‘829 “ON ‘noxag) (Pest ‘g atare

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EE J"eaees res 4 5B PMT No (pest “g alae ‘919 “ON ‘HONOd) oseny apypauy » 2) ag THLONV r i. AYMOLOIA NVISSOU YU comcatparens a Romasnce os

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. T LAW AND LINDLEY MURRAY. oa T is generally thought that the precedent set by one of our most distinguished English Judges, in not only giving judgment upon the merits of a case tried before him, but in deciding upon the right pronunciation of a word used in the pleadings, has given great satisfaction. A series of cases has since been heard, in which various offenders against the laws of language have been amerced in divers penalties. The following is a report of Satur- day’s sittings : rs COURT OF QUEEN’S BENCH. (Sittings in Banco.) Lorp Campsect, at three o’clock, said that the paper having now been gene through, he and his brothers were ready to take any cases of bad language. Several Barristers immediately left the Court. It was observed that ' some of them were gentlemen who had obtained notoriety by abusing unfortunate coroners other magistrates of limited committal. THE QUEEN 0. LOKD JOHN RUSSELL. The defendant was ch d with habitually offending against Her Masesty’s English, by i ing a noise sounding like “ obleege,” when | he was supposed to intend to say “ oblige.” The defendant pleaded his pronunciation was the fashionable one. French. ; ‘ Lorp Campsett. said, that in the case of Jonny Kemate ». the Prince Recent the dictum had been, “It would become your Royal mouth better to say ‘oblige.’” The rule was clear, Had the defendant — further to say ? e defendant said that he had once visited the Lyceum Theatre, and had heard Mr. Frank Marrnews say, in a burlesque called Robin Hood~ “ With any advice about the siege, The Field-Marshal therefore cannot obleege.” ilty, but urged that a hundred years ago i It was derived from the Lorp Cawpseut said that this proved that the defendant had been warned. The object of burlesque—and he was bound to say that such object was usually attained—was to ridicule what was absurd, by push- | The Court did not desire to be hard | ing absurdity to the extreme. upon the defendant. Would he undertake not to repeat the offence ? The defendant said that he would endeavour to conform to the customs of the day; but he believed that in Magna Charta— He was here somewhat hastily removed from the Court. THE QUEEN ¥. RICHARD COBDEN, The defendant was charged with laying a false emphasis upon the third syllable in the word inimical, which he pronounced inimecal. The defendant said that he had not intended to give offence, and that he _ heard the same pronunciation from the Treasury Bench last week. Longp Campsett said that the Treasury had better go to its “ Tyronis Thesaurus.” (Laughter, in which nobody joined.) ‘The pronunciation was pedantic—why did not the defendant say sever?ty and urbanity ? The defendant was discharged with a caution. THE QUEEN %. THIRTEEN CABMEN. The defendants were charged with having said they were going to drive to the Adelphi Thedter. The police gave evidence that this abominable pronunciation was of common occurrence, gave great annoyance to the aristocratic classes on their way to the pn The defendants said that it was the ordinary pronunciation of the trading and lower orders. Lorp Campsett said that it was intolerable, and sentenced the ga RH te were one m Te e sen- tence would be the death of him. THE QUEEN 0. THE HON. ALFRED LAZYTONGS. defendant was charged with having used continuous bad lan- guage t a whole afternoon, at the Conservative Club. He was — to have said that the rain was a baw, that MapemorseLie UTHER was a charming creechaw, that Loxp Dexsy had come out powers of | |strong about Cenadaw, and that his, defendant’s, tigaw was a deuced sharp little fellaw. | _ Several old members of the club pressed for a severe punishment, as they said that the offence was so common as to render the place quite | unbearable. The young fellows went lounging about in their all-round collars, gobbling out the most ridiculous sounds, and fancying they were talking. The defendant hoped that the Court would think it didn’t mattaw what a parcel of red-faced old pumps thought on the subject. Lorp Campsz.t said that extraneous matter had been imported into the case on both sides. The Court had no jurisdiction over collars or red faces. But the defendant stood self-convieted, What had he to say ? The defendant said that a gentleman liked to speak differently from vulgarians, and as the latter clipped the Quesn’s English upon all occasions, it was the duty of a heal subject to make as much of it as possible. Lorp Campse xt said that the defence was plausible, but would not | do. The proper way for a gentleman to r his language different from that of vulgarians was to take care that it was precise and accurate, and the vehicle for good sense or true wit. As the de- fendant seemed desirous to do what was right, he would aceept his own bail for his reappearance that day month, conditionally on his | reading Puach for one hour every day, during the intermediate time. The defendant gladly gave the Ane a and was discharged. _ The remaining cases presented little of principle and nothing of interest, WEEPING BIRCH. VistTants to Westminster Abbey have of late been greatly alarmed and excited by supernatural movements exhibited by the monument of Dr. Busy, considerably more striking than any which are made b the miraculous Madonnas of Italy. The image of the deceased school- master is from time to time observed to shake its head in disapproval, and to knit its eyebrows and frown with awful severity. These extraordinary phenomena first appeared the other morning, when a revolutionary leading article came out in the Daily News, suggesting the abolition of flogging in public schools. The marble heart of any pedagogue of the old school would of course be violently moved at the | | } | idea of being deprived of that gratification which it derives from the | exercise of the rod. ‘To indemnify old scholastic gentlemen for the loss of the delight which some of them seem to take in whipping children, they might be permitted to officiate as assistant executioners ; | to do the flogging in the prisons: and in order to provide them with sufficient work, a law should be made punishing the maltreatment of women with flagellation. There may be some doubt whether the whip is a proper instrument wherewith to teach tender youth humane letters, | but it is unquestionably one very suitable for unteaching a ruffian his inhuman cruelty. THE AWAKENED CONSCIENCE, , Mr. Brorserton has, we are happy to see, been doing his duty jlately, and endeavouring to bring the preposterous sittings of the House to an earlier close than usual, He has divided the Commons several times after midnight on the question of adjournment, and though he has not generally carried his motion, he has so far broken in upon the proceedings of the night, that the rest has been fragmentary, and the adjournment has been hastened. We had been inclined to reprove, if not to rebuke our Brotuerton, for the facility with which he had been yielding to the oppression of the Government behind which he sits. That shake of the hat at the Speaker, and that deprecating half-smile, which said that it was really too bad to go on at that hour, were all very well, but when Mar. Frrzmoy turned round with a good ‘natured fierceness, and motioned Ma. Broruenton to sit down, or Mr, Grapstone looked up with wild amazement, and obviously said, “My goodness, here’s a man wanting to go to bed!” Mr. Bnro- THERTON had no business to be quelled, and to resume his seat. He should remember that his legislative mission is to send the other members home to their amiable wives; and if he allows himself to be put down, the ladies have no helper left. The man who would refuse to drive members into the lobby to relieve virtuous females in solitude and distress is unworthy the name of a Broruzrtron. THER MUSCOVITE ROMANCER, One would think that the Russian journal, the Tvalide Russe, was so called by reason of its statements being continually invalidated. Tue Mopery Panwassvs.—Since the promotion of the originator of the Penny Postage, St. Martin’s-le-Grand may be called the English | Parnassus, for is it not the abode now of England’s Hr, of Letters ?

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nee a a | science of races. 8 PUNCH, OR TH ! i j PUNCH’S HANDBOOKS TO THE CRYSTAL — PALACE. | ITHOUT intending to com- pete with the high autho- rities ves a = to carry the alphabet at the end of their names, and who are men of letters by virtue of a long row of consonants as well as by other attributes, we pur- pose furnishing a series of hand-and-glove books to the Crystal Palace. Without any further preface, we shall at once dash up the stairs of the Refreshment Room, leave the Paris Chocolate Com- pany on our right, thread the mazes of marble tables, and darting through the Sereen of the Kings and Queens of England, we shall find ourselves in THE DEPARTMENT OF NATURAL HISTORY. This forms naturally enough the first object of our investigation ; and we prepare to treat of Ethnology—a word “which every schoolboy knows,” bat which nevertheless everybody thinks it necessary to teil everybody else is derived from two Greek words, and signifies the Some people would interpret the “Science of Races” as “the art of winning the Ascot Cup” or “ Making a Book for the Derby.” Almost every word ending m “logy,” is a scientific word; and perhaps the many disputes arising ow of the various | “logies”” may have given rise to the term “loggerheads,” a state at which the learned are apt to arrive in the course of those bickerings which a love of truth and a dislike to each other will sometimes generate, ee ey Ethnology means the science not of races in general ; for if it did, it | would be peculiar rather to the Turf than to our common clay ; but it is the seience of the human race in particular. In the Crystal Palace it has not been thought necessary to make a collection of the specimens of European objects, for there will always be found among the visitors themselves a collection of living curiosities of the various populations of Europe. Of these a moving cosmorama will he constantly font up, and a little comparative anatomy may be quietly studied, by reviewing the bearded fop side by side with the Chimpanzee in his primitive contilien, Several of the specimens of Ethnology in the Crystal Palace are to be found within the Arctic Circle, though there are some equally extraordinary objects within our own circle, if we are disposed to study theth. ; {n the general arrangement of the department of Natural History, an attempt has been made to group together the botany and zoology of each locality, a plan which may be familiarly illustrated by placing under a glass shade, a costermonger, a donkey, and a thistle. In this interesting group we should have ethnology represented by the man, zoology would rear its head in the donkey, and botany would present some of its finest points in the thistle. ; Among the foremost objects is a group of East Indians belonging to | India Proper, and (judging from their costume, which is not so | shockingly scanty as it probably is in India Im-proper), the epithet “proper,” is not altogether unmerited. The complexion of some 0} | these Indians is as black as Indian ink. Nearly every face has the ' same stamp, and the process of stamping seems to have been carried out with considerable violence, causing the countenances to become so flat that no one could call them handsome without being disposed to flatter. In India there is a system of caste, which means that the son walks in his father’s shoes—if the father happens to have any. If | the father is a blacksmith the son is a blacksmith, and indeed all the | Smrrus are of necessity black, except perhaps a few of the Brown | for brunette is one of the colours that the hand of Nature has rubbe | into the faces of the East Indians. . | ‘The Malays are given to the habit of tattooing, and they sometimes proceed to such rivalry in the art that one will do his utmost to beat the tattoo upon the other. Among the incidentals of the Malays may be noticed certain dental | operations, such as dyeing the teeth, and filing them down to the gums, | for few can wait patiently till they are sufficiently old files themselves for their teeth to wear down to the desired level. Leaving the East Indians we will now take a glance at the people | of Sumatra, who are chiefly remarkable for the form which E LONDON CHARIVARI. moustache movement has taken among them, for they seem to wear on the upper lip an arrangement similar to that of the Ramoneur with which modern civilisation sweeps her chimneys. We now turn to Borneo, but we are not sorry to turn away again from a tribe whose fashions are not by any means of an engaging character. ‘The favourite dress seems to be nothing but a head-dress, which consists generally of a bandeau of human teeth, and some- times a hat, similar in shape to those worn by very young ladies at the sea- side, but trimmed with such strings of molars and incisors as to suggest the idea that the parties must be proud of their extraction from the heads of families. The Dyaks of Borneo are said to be divided into one hundred various tribes, but it cannot be said that “variety is charming” in the case of any one of them. They are fond of accumulating skulls which they hand down from father to son; but as these heads are collected by hundreds, it is difficult to say under what particular head we should class this strange pro- pensity. To such an extent is it till he has presented his bride with somebody Baws skull; and unless he has cut off another persun’s head, he is not allowed to become the head of a family. One of the most ordinary weapons of the people of Borneo is a blow- a fearful blow, and by means of poisoned arrows establishing a rather nasty wound with remarkable nicety. We next arrive at New Guinea, a name of which nobody knows the origin, and we may therefore hazard the conjecture that the people of change, and ealling for a new Sove- reign. Their fashions are easily de- scribed, for their costume consis‘s of hair dressed a la Thillon, with a necklace of fur, and a waistband of matting. The ladies of New Guinea carry the decolleté principle even further than our own, who seem nevertheless to have borrowed the practice of wearing nothing on their necks, from some of the tribes we have been noticing. The arrangement of the hair is one of the chief employments of life, a point in which some of our drawing-room belles resemble the barbarian coquettes of the Archipelago. The “double skirt” has its origin in the double petticoat of leaves worn round the waist by the women of New Guinea, who dye their hair with ochre, and perform other tricks which are not uncommon among the fairer portion of our highly civilised metropolis. We must not pass coldly over the Arctic Regions, of which the Great Bear seems to be the star. This animal, or rather his skin, was brought home by Captains [yeLerrenp, who, it is believed, embraced the opportunity when the Bear was preparing to embrace the gallant Captain himself. Among the North American Indians we recognise an article in trowsers, which would certainly be labelled as “the fashion ” f in -— cheap clothing mart of the present day: the trowsers are of the broadest stripe, and are worn by a Ked Indian, who is obliging some of his friends in blue whiskers and yellow eyebrows with an accompani- ment to a war dance in which they are engaged. Passing a few cases of birds, most of them remarkable for their bills, which have been presented to the directors of the Crystal Palace, and accepted without hesitation, we arrive at a party of South American engaged in a fierce encounter with sticks. It is the ugly custom o these very ugly customers to introduce a block of wood into the under lip, and thus to illustrate their faces with a woodcut of the rudest character. Their object is to tear out the illustrations and destroy the blocks, which are set in these very low types of humanity. Among another group of South Americans may be perceived a rather gentlemanly looking person in the completest, and probably the cheapest suit of stripes that ever came under our notice. The material is nothing but blue paint, so that the entire costume could have cost little more than the ys employed in fitting on what may be termed an entire suit of Nature’s blouses. The objects in this department are so numerous that it is impossible to give them more than a passing glance ; so congratulating the bonnet-monkey on the opportunity afforded him carried, that a youth cannot marry | pipe, which is capable of inflicting | New Guinea are always seeking for | 8 2) ehh 8 betes oe eee. ke

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| character of [rish Members, have presented him with their report on | that works it and kee

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 9

by the ladies of the present day, to bring the bonnet into contempt, | however, in meeting it, to such perfection is the machinery of this ex- and with a nod of recognition to the Ounce, a creature which has | traordinary instrument brought that the piece of paper will actually run become so rare, that many when told of its existence will not believe | after him, no matter where he may be, and nothing but actual payment the an-ounce-ment, we our leave of the Natural History Collection | in full will stop it. We must state that at the time of parting with the of the Crystal Palace. autograph document, some money is handed over to the person who ne has just been putting his signature to it. This sum is sometimes half . ‘ ——— | the amount —— - ee pos es only ~ oes, — 7 |sometimes nothing at all. It entirely depends upon market to CHARACTERISTICS OF IRISH MEMBERS, henry o young = ae ha 3 wild —_— cram Ra is : hion ré + Tue Select Committee appointed by Mr. Puach to investigate the | PY ewely en ee rf “

simple to look at, being put in motion generally by a screw, it running. This screw is regulated by one or | that interesting subject, which is as follows :— \two Jews, who are always too happy to explain the principle (or, at Your Committee are of opinion that the Irish Members of ro | least, what little there is, for it is mostly devoid of any principle what- considered as a body, constitute the most important and i jal | ever,) of the action. ; ai. | section of the House of Commons, not by reason of the weight they are We append the following very flattering testimonial of the admirable able to throw into the scale of nearly calened parties, but on account }efficacy of this new machine :— of the great moral effect of their support, when afforded either to! «gm —1 first became acquainted with the seeret of wonderfil Wild-Oat- measures or men. Sowing Machine whilst on « visit to Piesce'’s, in Street, Liecester Square.

It appears to your Committee that pure and disinterested patriotism | I instantly tried it. Nothing could have been so efficacious. By working it two or and i is the pri —— | tiv | mext tried the betting shops. This was not sufficient, and I made-a trial of the gam- Ireland. They are generally remarkable for a lofty yore tO bling and cigar shops about St. James's Street. I went to Baden-Baden—kept motives of ambition and personal aggrandisement, and their . | lent my money indiscriminately to all my friends—pablished several books of * an a “48 those to ® theatre—in short, committed every imaginable folly that a young manean be rence to personal objects prevents them from ever exhibiting guilty of. The consequence is that, thanks to your excellent coutsivance, whieh aways mean jealousies whereof the degrading spectacle is so often presented put money at my command as often and oftener than I by other parties. | Bench, having spent a small fortune of £12,000 D ome year in less than ——— ‘ : . - : H | Lalso owe £500 to my fishmonger, and afew 8 to my washerwoman ean a Te in the = lace, ee a consider safely lay my band upon my pocket, and say I haven't «farthing inthe world ; but at e Irish element in of Commons tO DE CONSPICUOUS 15 AD | the same time I can boldly affirm I haven't a Wild Oat left, aptitude for Lame = amp and this, together with the amenity every one of them. If it hadn't been for your admirable ‘Sowing ine, 1 doubt i and good temper wh ey are almost as eminent for, occasions their | if 1 could have done this. a - presence in the House to be a great furtherance to its business, where- (Signed) Atyesp Kutours Pumeuss. unto they never offer vexatious obstructions, and which they never) (ther testimonials may be had, on application at the Insolvent Court, interrupt by frivolous and unnecessary disputes. and the “ Wild-Oat-Sowing Machine” may be seen any day in full The utilitarian spirit, however, by which the Irish members are | operat; the Office of . Thoroodoo Chambers animated is combined, according to the sentiments of your Committee | Diddlowe , i. Tome . ; : with broad and liberal views, which are enunciated with a wonderful correctness of logic at once fluent and concise. Re or earn Lastly, your ittee take leave to notice, as a consideration of importance in the constitution of an assembly on which depends the CITY OF LONDON CEMENT. maintenance of our civil and:religious liberties, the striking solicitude manifested by the majority of the Irish members for the welfare and af gs the Protestant institutions of the kingdom. e only exception that can be taken against the Irish members your Committee conceive to be more than countervailed by the political independence which they derive from the circumstance forming the ground of it. It is that perhaps, altogether, they have rather too much property. NEW species of cement, which it is hoped may prove durable, ie been discovered in the City of London, We are at liberty a: its ne! ingredients, aa gel Pim ow from both the animal and vegetable kingdoms, and from, in short, the well- known materials of the civic banquets. That turtle is of a glutinous nature is generally un-

THE WILD-OAT-SOWING MACHINE. ° Aw American genius, inspired by the Sewing-Machine, has invented | a wonderful apparatus to enable young men to sow their wild-oats. | " It is a most ingenious piece of mechanism, being equally adapted to. the pocket of the Government clerk and the cheque-book of the million-| . naire. YF amiag Aaeeemeny Sey top ae be a material ae CAL. saving of time by this new process, but a much greater expen- mon parlance it is sai diture of money will be gained by it. It is so simple in its operation to stick to the ribs: that any young man who can write may play with it with “av | whence it will be readily ease. An experiment was tried upon a wealthy minor, who all the | inferred that the new imnocent ways of a child, and it was found that, long before he had cement contains a considerable proportion of that delicious reptile. beeome of age, he had not only not a single wild oat left in his yy =| The cement, however, is not adapted for ordinary — om. but that he already l consequences of all those he although it may be used largely in freemasonry nor is ito nature sown. The result is—and the inventor points to it with no little pride— of marme glue, notwiths that it wi offered to the two that the fous man has not as many pence now as he had thousands principal marine powers. It will be prepared by the Lorn Mayon before. The great merit of the invention lies on in its simplicity. and Aidermen for the pu of securing and consolidating the union It requires not the slightest practice, but is acquired with nogreater study, between this country and Pranee, with which view it will be employed no greater outlay, than a few minutes’ patience. Moreover, it is so ad- jn lining the interior of certain distinguished French citizens, to be mirably contrived that any one, who is in the least clever in operations invited to a grand national entertainment of which it will form the that require the free play of the hand, becomes perfect after one trial, staple. This cement for joining France and England might be ve and is val a state = ae Wes will ——— to ——— the mueh improved if Government would allow the addition to it of Frenc principal characteristics new “ Wiip-Oat-Sowrnc Macutne.” | wines admitted at a reduced duty. It is simply a hand machine. At one end of it are amen S| " number < paper, and the — a i. writing. The slips — come somewhat resemble in their shape the o ill, or promissory note, that is used in daily matters of commerce. As the operator aT xes his | The Czar's Creditor. signature to the paper, he presses on a spring which forces downa::mp| Tie newspapers say that Nicnoxnas is trying to raise a loan of seven that gives his slip a legal value, This stamp varies from two shillmgs millions on the Amsterdam Bourse. That sum will not suffice to get up to thirty. As soon as this is done, the bill is snatched up by some him out of his difficulties. Even if it should enable him to liquidate unseen power, and commences a series of runs, which are hidden from the expenses of his war, there will still be the devil to pay. view. 2 ee ge pec has the ang Oy running are sO many m that our ingenious inventor not thought fit to explain. It is only sufficient to state that after a THE HEIGHT OF TOTAL ABSTINENCE. n period of running,—that is sometimes over in three months, and) Tue Teetotellers want to exclude the bottle from the Orystal Palace. sometimes extends to nine,—the operator is expected to be at the other We wonder they don’t carry their fanaticism so far as to endeavour to end of the machine to meet his little piece of paper. Should he fail,’ deprive it of the glass.

el teristic of the representatives of | three times, | was enabled to visit the different places of amusement about town. |

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Oe a ~ een PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. fi iki | a g AN ee Wait ih \) everson i * Taptgav rnerresentine £ Younc GENTLEMAN, WHO FANCIES OPPORTUNITY OF GOING THROUGH THE LAST SCENE OF N.B. The Young Gentleman's voice (which ue imagines like Maxio’s) ts of the most feeble and uncertain quality. HE 18 ALONE BY THE “Sap Sea Waves.” He takes THE “ ucts.” THE MORAL OF WOODEN CANNON-BALLS. Tan humane governor of Sveaborg—that man ought to be enrolled as one of the Vice-Presidents of the Peace Society—has been imprisoned for life by the inclemency of the wicked Czar, and only for having substituted wooden balls for iron cannon balls, putting in fact the cost of the real shot in his ket, and painting the fictitious shot very black, that they might, to the vulgar, unsophisticated eye, pass for mortal missiles. We say again that this man ought to meet with some expression of sympathy from the peace-mongers. What, now, if Messrs. Sturce and Pease should—in memory of their late visit to St. Petersburg—solicit of the Empgror permission to convey to Siberia a pigeon-pie, to the captive governor? A simple pigeon-pie, in testimony and symbolical of his practical peacefulness that turned the adamant heart of mortal shot to painted touchwood? Why should not the = of cotton-balls make some testimony to peaceful balls of wood ? In s@me way, however, our own Premier has acknowledged the wisdom of the unfortunate governor of Sveaborg—but with much better luck. Ma. Layarp considers the stores of the Eart or AperperN; and exclaims “ wooden cannon-balls!” More: con- vinced of the woodenness of our governor and guardian Premier, Mr. LAYARD gives notice of impeachment, declaring himself ready and able to prove their naked, ligneous substance. Vhat is the resource of the Earnt or Aperpezw? Why, he takes a hint from the hapless governor of Sveaborg, and immediately sets about painting his wooden shot. Not, indeed, merely painting, but deeply dyeing the missiles, to prove himself in warlike earnestness against Nicaotas the arch-destroyer. “ Wooden cannon-balls, you call ’em! ” cries the Premier. And thereupon, he rummages up his very famous letter to Count Nessetrope on the Treaty of Adrianople, and with the black, mortal ink in which that tremendous missive was written, judgment of a most ma pe | and sagacious wooden eannon-shot, painted wit | given to the devouring element ! he dyes and stains his wooden shot and—to the critical eye and acute | blic—ABERDEEN’s | ink of five-and-twenty years ago— | *_ against them as you may, shall still retarn an iron sound. Never did ink so well disguise falsehood with an outside of truth. But these Sveaborg timber-shot are evidently destined to beget inspi- rations. Mr. Miner Gresoy is doubtless touched by wood, and gives | utterance accordingly. Manchester with a heart—bleeding like any | cotton-pod—begs to know why the pitch and tar of Uleaborg should he ruthlessly destroyed. There is property—sacred property (and still the sympathetic cotton weeps gouts of blood!) to the amount of £400,000 | i Mr. Mityer Grason—still thinking | of the wooden shot—strikes his forehead, and of Str James Granam demands an explanation ! Sir James, with some remembrance—foolishly, weakly piteous, perhaps—of the red-hot iron poured into the stranded 7iger—asks, | F « —— indulgence should be shown to the enemy we have to eal with?” (Mr. Mitwer Greson exclaims confidentially to his waistcoat— “ Four hundred thousand pounds of property ! ”) Str James—untouched by the sacredness of the appeal—ruthlessly continues : “ We had it in our power to destroy the city of Odessa. and we spared it. We | attacked the batteries of Odessa only, for which we were subjected to something like censure, and I must confess that I begin to partake of that feeling myself. ( Cheers.) How did the enemy act towards a British ship which accidentally ran ashore in a fog near this very port of Odessa? An immense multitude of soldiers, with batteries and | red-hot shot, were brought down, and the straoded vessel was fired upon. I[ cannot see that any peculiar forb is y ds this enemy. (Great cheering).” Mr. Mitxer Greson could not, and did not, deny all this ; never- theless he thought with sympathetic admiration of the clemency, the philanthropy of the Governor of Sveaborg who, for his own ends, Fabstituted timber for iron. And the sympathy of the emongers, even in his captivity, must comfort the Governor of Sveaborg, who cannot want material for wooden balls, so long as the heads and, we may add, the hearts of such men of peace be with him. Pourtrcat Carrrat.—The greater part of this Capital is made up are shot that Vutcan himself might be proud of; iron that, kick | of Private Interest. irinted by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, im the Parish of St. and Preder ck Wullett F vane, of No. 27, Vietoria Street, in the Parish of St. Mergaret and St. John, Weetmin=ter, hotly in the Coanty of Middlecen, Printers, et thetr Ofiee in Lombard Street, in the of Waitetriass,in the City of Loadun, and Publ'-hed by th m at No. 96 , Picet Street io the Parish of St. Bride, io the City of London.—Satvunpar, July §, 1804 oe ae ee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 11 IMPORTANT FROM THE SEAT OF WAR! LETTERS FROM THE EAST BY OUR OWN BASHI-BOZOUK. “ On board H.7.M.’s Ship the Mahmoudjee Kebobjee, off Sebastopol, « July 5th, 1854. My pear Sr, fs “[ perorwep to the Hotel d’Angleterre, immersed in * disagreeable thought, for it is never pleasant to look on friends E - the last time, — es) aly == if youare going away from a * sant place on a fhe de = disagreeable journey, as a trip in a chain-gang to Siberia un- doubtedly is, most especially of all, if you are about to part from a being so beautiful, beloved, and devo’ as then thought Matitpa Scrovuzorr. Beautiful! Yes! devoted? phoo! beloved ? ha, ha!—But I am advancing matters. “We had our usual company to supper, excepting of course ‘Turrskiy, who, for very good reasons, = ~ ~~: and drank many a friendly bumper to our om & friends, whose last — it was, and whose luggage lay piled in the Hotel corridors, ready to be carried off to the steamer before dawn. Young Doskiys was particularly melancholy. He figure have previous! my own. eyes, I remarked with tears, and he spoke with profound emotion of the kindness which he had received from inhabitants of St. Petersburg, contrasting the splendour and elegance of the society there, with the humdrum routine of Godmanchester, Bristol, and other cities whither his lot had led him, as a Quaker, a manufacturer, and a man. “[ know the world pretty well, and when a young fellow begins to blush, and shake, and sigh, and tremble in Ms voice, and hang down | his head, and rub his eyes with his fist, I feel tolerably certain what is the matter. ‘ Hullo, my friend Broappaim,’ says I, ‘there ’s a woman in the case. I see that in a) Gi | “ Broapprim gave a heave demurely pl guilty to the soft i t; a woman there was, | as beautiful! oh, as be-eu-eu-ti-ful as an angel, he gurgled out, con- cealing his emotion and a part of his comely young countenance (con- found it Wy a frothing beaker of champagne—a woman, the loveliest being in St. Petersburg, from whom he not know how he should tear himself away. “ The loveliest being in St. Petersburg! thought I; no, no, my fine that young Paem, is di d of elsewhere,” naturally presuming that the young fellow had lost his heart to some girl of the English factory, some hide and tallow merchant’s daughter, in his own shop- keeping, slop-selling, square-toed walk of life. “ Thave a feeling heart, and having been touched by love and frantic with passion, many many scores of times in my life, can feel another’s woe under those painful and delicate circumstances. I consoled honest Dosxuys, therefore; I him on the back ; returned squeeze for f his hand, and pledged his lady love in innumerable bumpers , for which—poor satisfaction—I now console myself by the young rascal was left to pay. “ As we were talking, Dosxrns’s servant brought him a note, which | he seized eagerly, read with glittering eyes and flushing cheeks, over | which he murmured a hundred gasps and exclamations, and was about | to kiss, had not my presence deterred him. “ee and an expression, as J y stated, singularly The young fellow’s began to fill | paper in my time, and know full well whom that pretty little packet comes from.’ “* Do thee?’ says he, blushi “ * Of course I do,’ I answer bashful Broapsrim! that the’ —— I protest I had here very nearly | written down my name and title—‘ that Veaax has never been in love | with a . ft dor Chiat _ “* Chief,” says he—for Chief I am, though my tribe is well nigh ex- | tinet, and oe ay Chief, says he, ‘ dost thee ‘ know that letter concerns thee; a great danger menaces thee— up to the temples. P has beautiful blue eyes, and a| of his chest, a squeeze to my hand, and | Kiss away, my hoy,’ said I; ‘I have osculated reams of note | with a laugh. ‘ Dost thou think, O| exile, chains ;’ and in a low whisper, so that the waiter who was cutting the string of the sixth bottle—* Sé “ * Does the whole town know it?’ cried I, ‘double-distilled donkey |that I was—is my disgrace the talk even of the hemp and tallow | merchants of the city?’ “ * My letter,’ says Donxuys, slowly, and with much agitation—the artful young hypocrite, [ should like to wring his neck,—' my letter is | from one who is a very good friend to thee, who fears the dreadful fate | that awaits thee in the eternal snow ’—the canting young humbug— |‘ who points out the only way to avert thy evil forture—the way to freedom, the way to escape from thy tyrant, perhaps to revenge thyself |on him at some future day.’ | “* Ha! boy,’ I exclaimed, strongly moved by the young crocodile’s | words, for as | never told falsehood myself I am slow to suspect it |in another; ‘so thou knowest the fate menaces me, and hast found | out means to avert it; speak, my friend; w er aman of courage | may do I am ready to attempt, in order to escape from a tyrant, and jone day to avenge my wrong.’ “* Kasy, my friend !’ cries this young squaretoes, this arch sly- | boots, ‘ we Quakers are of the peaceful sort; here is no question about | revenge, but about escape, and that immediately. Thee knowest that the | gates of. Petersburg are shut against thee, that thee may as well |hope to escape from the Autocrat as from when the day comes. | A way, however, there is, and but one, by which thee can put thyself | out of reach of the claws of this Russian Eagle; and t T shall | risk myself not a little, nevertheless for thy sak ‘should not hear, ye e, and for t those who are interested in thy welfare, I will abide the peril, so I may | set thee free. Our steamer, the Johns Bright, sails from the Potemkin (juay at half-past two o'clock this morning, when the tide serves. The | Friends have given orders to be waked at one, which is now the hour. | Thee must take my poamporte, thee must shave off thy moustaches, and | put on the broadbrim and drab, which thee loves to laugh at, and so escape.” “ "Generous boy!’ I exclaimed, gripping his hand like a vice; ‘and what will happen to you?’ I was quite confo by the seeming nobility of the young scoundrel’s self-sacrifice. “ * Never thee mind that,’ says Broapsrim. ‘How can [ help it if a rogue makes off with my coat, my hat, and my passport? | am a Briton, and my Ambassador will get me another.’ I took him to my heart, this loyal, this gallant, this guileless, this affectionate heart, that | beats with eternal tenderness for the friend who does me a kindness— that rankles with eternal revenge against the villain who betrays me ! “ | agreed to his proposal. To put on his great coat and broad hat was an easy matter; though to part with my moustaches I own was | difficult : can we help our little vanities ? our long bushy auburn-co- |loured curly vanities? I rather would say. A more beautiful pair of |moustaches never decorated the lip of man. I loved them perhaps the more because my Matixpa loved , ak I went up to my chamber, and was absent a few minutes. . “ When I returned, Dosxxys started back. ‘Gracious heavens!’ said be and hemes positively quite pale. ‘Gracious heavens,’ says he, ‘what an ion |’ “ Altered I was indeed. I had taken off my splendid uniform of an unattached colonel of Russian Cavalry—yellow, with — facings, and the Black Russian § emboldened tastefully on the back— and put on a snuff-coloured suit of Dosxins’s, which I found in his room, No. 10. My face was shaved as as a baby’s. ad a broad-brimmed hat on. I placed in the Quaker’s an envelope, sealed with a royal ’scutcheon that once flamed in the van of Erin’s battle; it contaimed my moustaches. I am not ashamed to own that the tear bedewed my manly cheek, as I bade him deliver the packet to the Priycess Matizpa Scuouzorr. — : “ The young villain rushed up into his room, and puten ry uniform, which fitted him to a nicety, and I painted him a _ of moustaches with one of the burnt changes corks, of which a half-dozen were lying on the table: you would really have thought it was myself as you looked at him. Ah! Fatal ree et Ah! Sorrow that throws its bleak shade alike o’er my life and my woes! “ Six hours afterwards the John Bright steamer was before Cron- stadt, and it was not until we were out of reach of the guns of that fortress (which | have a certain plan for silencing) that the friends of the Peace Deputation were aware that I, and not their young companion, was on board. “ T did not care, for good reasons, to go to London ; but as soon as we got to Dantzig, put myself into railroad, and betook myself {to Paris, where my old friend, the Emrenon Narotzon tux Turan, ‘received me with his usual In several interviews with information regarding the military and pecuniary resources of the Russian empire which has ever yet, as I believe, found its way out of those immense dominions. /What I told the French monarch ({ confess myself a friend to |despots, and an enemy to philosophers and rs)—what information | I had the good fortune to convey to him I not, of course, publish |here. My plans, were they foilowed, would burst in thunder upon the hompitalit " his Majesty, I laid before him the f VOL, XXVIII. Cc

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oo a re crumbling battlements of Cronstadt, and hurl into mid air the ships and | arsenals of Sebastopol. I fear other counsels than mine may be followed. | “Sr, Ansaup and I had a dispute long ago, when he was in a very | different situation in life. With the English commanders I cannot com- | municate, owing to my peculiar position, and the Ballingarry affair. It was that unlucky business likewise which prevented my friend, the Ewrerorn or Tue Frenxen, from giving me a command over troops which were to act in conjunction with the forces of the English Qurey. He offered me Algeria, bat I preferred active service against Romanorr, and the Colonel of Bashi-Bozouks has already put a shot or two into the proud wings of the Russian Fagle. “Tf anything was wanting to sharpen the edge of my hatred against him, against Russia, against men and women, against Quakers espe- cially, it was a paragraph which my kind friend, the Emrzror Napotroy, showed to me one afternoon, as we were sitting in the Pavillon Marsan, talking over Russia and the war. I was translating for him—and I think I have said that I speak the Janguage perfectly —some of the lying bulletins out of the Petersburg gazettes, in which his Majesty and his British allies are abused in a most vulgar manner, when glancing down a column of fashionable intelligence, I came to the following paragraph : ‘Cowvensow oF AN Exsotutea Qoaker To THe Ontnovox Farrn-—A young Quaker nobleman, of the highest birth, whose family has devoted itself for some time past to commercial pursuits, whereby he has realised an immense fortune, has quitted the lamentable errors and benighted faith under which most of hia countrymen labour, and has professed himself a convert to the only true aad orthodox religion. It is M. Doesiwear's intention to establish himself in our capital, and his Majesty has graciously awarded bim the order of St Awpaew of the second class, the rank of Colonel, and the permission to marry Martioa, danghter of Police President Patsce Somouzorr. P “* Miox, my good fellow,” said his Majesty, the Exrenon Napoteon, ‘ you look a little pale :’ and no wonder ; I did look a little pale, though I did not inform my Imperial interlocutor of the causes of my disquiet, but you and the public now may understand in part, for my adventures are not nearly over, why it is that I am a “ Basni-Bozoux.” THE RUSSIAN GENTLEMAN IN DIFFICULTIES. | wave not a friend that will lend me a shilling, W herewithal to enjoy my amusement of killing, My loan over Europe is utterly scouted, And my ports are blockaded, and forces are routed, And it seems very likely that I shall be knouted. There isn’t a Christian of whom a small trifle { can borrow, to pay for ball, powder, and rifle ; Very soon I shali have not a shot in the locker, And the duns are beginning to bang at mv knocker, So I soon must be dore up, aceording to Cocker. Fast back from the Prath my thrashed Cossacks are prancing, I’m obliged to retreat, none the needful advancing, And nation against me is banding with nation, And I see nought before me but humiliation, Because I cannot obtain accommodation. Sympatuy.—Sorrow, shared by two persons, becomes much lighter —like a Paumen’s candle with two wicks. 12 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | OLD CAMBRIDGE OWLS. Tae University Intelligence of the Times mentions a learned question as having been propounded, but not answered, at the Cambridge Archeological Society, d-propos of an antiquarian paper concerning “‘rebuses ;”’ whence we learn that the sages constituting that erudite body are not fully informed de rebus omnibus, whatever amount of knowledge they may possess concerning guibusdam aliis. We read hat “ At the close of this paper, Mz. Weermacotr asked if any one could explain the meaning of small gold frog attached to the left ear of a statue of one of the ancient family of the Pownxys, in Suffolk. Proresson Hewxstow said, in that part of the country young frogs were called * polley-wiggles, and so it might have reference to the name, bat no one could throw any light on this fact.” Much Paroresson Henstow and the Cambridge antiquaries must now about archeology, or etymology either! Polley-wiggle is a corruption of porwigle, which means, aceording to Dr. Jounson, a tadpole or young frog, not yet fully shaped. That is to say, a por- wigle or polley-wiggle is an undeveloped or undergraduate frog, a batrachian not yet arrived at the dignity of a little frog. How the leadenest pump in any learned assembly could have boggled at a riddle so very plain as the connexion of the frog with the “ancient family of the Poteys” must pass all common understanding. It is almost an insult to the intelligent, nay to the ordinarily stupid reader, to say more ; but as some the Cambridge Dryaspvusts may happen to stumble on these lines, the liberty may perhaps be pardoned of an allusion to the well-known song— “ A frog he would a-wooing go,” together with its burden of world-wide celebrity :— “ Roley Poley, gammon and spinach, Heigho! says Aytowy Row ter.” Here is the very name of Porey, with relation to the frog, pure and simple, without being modified and mollified mto Pourey; and although in juxtaposition with gammon and spinach, a great deal more remote from those symbols of fallacy than that. diminutive. The statue of the old Potey, perhaps, was that of the original Roney Poxey, and the little gold frog attached to its left ear was clearly intended for that precocious reptile who was determined to seek a conjugal partner— “ Whether his mother would let him or no,” in defiance of maternal authority: and here the question naturally arises whether the circumstance that the Archmologists of Cambridge are out—and how far they are out—is sufficiently well known to their Alma Mater. PAWS OFF MY HAT. “ The Hon. Member (Ma. Apsiey Per.atr), whose gesticulation is unique, hap- pened to be standing immediately behind Mr. Locke Kiva, and, during the physical enforcement of the voluntary principle, he continued to dash bis fists into the crown of that Hon. Member's hat, and otherwise spread such terror around, that a large space of the bench below him was deserted, Cartas Scope.t, a naval bero, covering the retreat.”— Morning Herald's Report of the Debate, June 21st. Mr. Apsuey Per-tatt, Mr. Apstey Pet-tatr, You must show more regard for a gentleman’s hat ; You may pitch into Bishops, Priests, Church, and all that, But you’ve no right to batter another man’s hat. Your gestures may be to the purpose most pat, But the pat should not fall on a gentleman’s hat. Thrust your hands in your pockets, or keep them quite flat, And then you won’t damage another man’s hat. If you do it again, you may get tit for tat ; So keep your paws off, Mr. Arstey PeL-Latt. LIMITED LIABILITY. Messrs. Brrertess and Dunvp are in favour of a bill for the above commercial purpose. ‘They state that they should like the liability to be as limited as possible; in fact, if the liability could, in all cases, be limited to nothing, they should like it all the better. Some such measure, they are of opinion, is urgently necessary, as it would have the effect, not only of removing many of the fetters that at present shackle commercial —— but also of bringing the purchaser and | i the vendor in a closer and more friendly relationship together. More- over, they modestly represent that it would relieve them of a deal of trouble and painful annoyance, as nothing can be more distressing to their feelings, or at times more embarrassing, than to have to send away claims which, however just the liability of them may be, they find they have it not in their power, from a total inadequacy of means, satis- factorily to discharge. They conclude by declaring that they are decidedly in favour of a thorough new system of debt without any liability at all. ie Spewake =

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL “UMLEY’S MIDNIGHT REVIEW. (To the air of Navorzon’s ditto.) 7 | At midnight’s dreary hour is heard an awful sound From the empty Opera orchestra, through the cobwebb’d boxes round : | A Ghost-Band tunes with fleshiess shades of fiddles pass’d away, | And the spectre conductor’s “ rat-a-tat ” bids the overture to play : Oh strange the thrill that from empty stalls to lone parterre there | comes ;— It stirs, it wakes the dead artistes from their posthumous dressing- rooms ! Lo! Prime Donne that charmed the ears of our fathers long ago— Grasstnt, Pasta, Matrpran—through the cou/isses stageward flow, Bassi profondi, who won applause at Georce tue Fourtn’s fat hands ; Tenort, whose descendants have on CHaMBeErs’s estate demands : Flooding the vacant Opera-house their phantom voices go, As the ghost-conductor waves his airy 4d¢on to and fro ; And the spectre-band around him the signal beat obeys, And ~ salle is peopled with ghosts full-dressed in fashions of other | ays. ee ee lh And AMENITIES OF CLONMEL GAOL. Iw reference to the brutal Irish rascal, who attempted the other day, | the savage outrage of dragging a a young a—~stennensl of property—from her family, and er inclination, by the help of a gang of ruffians, but who was defeated, well thrashed, and lodged in Clonmel gaol, the Tipperary Free Press sympathetically says :-— “ Under the direction of the local inspector, the Rev. Jauzs Morrow, every care has been taken to provide for the comfort of the unfortunate gentleman. He is located in the room occupied by Mr. Surrn O'Burmx, when « State prisoner in Clonmel, im the immediate vicinity of the hospital, where he will receive every attention that his con- | dition requires. His portman: first in mee ot the governor, | was directed to be given him, and is known, will do all in his power towards rendering his confinement as possible, pending an applicati for bail, to the Court of Queen's Bench.” | What a comfortable prison that of Clonmel must be. How much | sooner would one be sent there than anywhere else, if one were a thief. | If such consideration as that above described is extended to a prisoner committed for stealing a lady, how much indulgence must be shown to one incarcerated for stealing a horse !—particularly if having kicked in the attempt. Wouldn’t he receive “every attention that his condition required!” Would not “every care be taken to provide for the comfort of the unfortunate gentleman!” Wouldn’t Mr. Srraway do all 5 his power towards rendering his confinement as little irksome as possible!” orcible abduction would seem as popular in Tipperary as highway robbery accompanied by violence was in Middlesex a century ago, and . =e indeed be considered to exceed the exploits of Tunrriy in urpitude. being Ma. Steanas, it as little irk Sold for a Song. Taoven Mr. Lrpeut would not allow his Curates to sing the Church Service, he has not been able to prevent them from lecturing him to a very pretty tune. After what has occurred, it is probable that if there is any chanting at St. Paul’s, Knightsbridge, the Iucum- bent himself will sing very small. short beok-muslin shrouds the bony fleshless hands in ghests of And at the midnight Ma the Ex-Lessee, Comes slow and sad into bon, by aid of his master-key ; Gravely he sits him down, and the curtain draws aside, 4 gazes on the a ny ay Oye ve - his Teh fal empty space Uluming blue the ghostly gas- 8, As the it aed sweeps round the house | oa pit to gallery stalls! He sees it graced by duke and lord—his old patrons still are true Jenny Lrxp crushes crowd again upon his t view. Singers and dancers round him for engagements eager draw, And to journalists and scene shifters once more his word is law ; And two magic words he murmurs—that in £4. 4. combine— “Linp” is the watchword—and again, “Wacner” the counter-sign Thus at midnight in the Opera House, an opera house no more, Wanders an Ex-Lessee, who finds law and life a bore ! LORD PALMERSTON’S PARTIES. Ir has been the fashion of late years to say that the old distinctions of party have disappeared ; and to wonder how the Quezy’s government could be carried on without a rofessing one set of principles, and an Opposition maintaining another. Political , however, founded in nature, and Loxp Pasaexnston has found # new denomi- nation for the rival sects, om either side, w under some name or another, must always exist. The noble Lord, m the debate on the Beard of Health grant, is reported to have said :— “Now, in every town there were two ies, well known by two designations cor responding to Whig and Tory, and dividing the town almost as completely. One was the ‘clean’ party, and the other the ‘dirty’ party. (Laughter.) Each was 4 well | known faction, and neither felt any diffidenee in expressing ite views. A man would say, ‘I am the dirty party; I like dirt, and I don't choose to pay for being clean.’ (A laugh.)” PatmeEprston is right; and political, as well as evening parties, will go on just as before, under new titles only, with a corresponding modi- | fication of watchwords, cries, and cant. The motto of one side will be | Soap and Water, and that of the other Slush. The clean party wil! | shout Pearlash for Ever! and their dirty adversaries wil! exclaim, No | | Soda! By the former, the principles of the laundress will be advocated, whilst the latter will denounce these as ablutionary doctrines. Oxygen | will be the demand of the friends of cleanliness ; sulphuretted hydrogen | the requisition of the disciples of dirt: and as the clean politicians will | march beneath the mop and serubbing-brush, so the dirty will rally | round the cesspool and the cinder-heap. The Foreign Office in Danger. Tae Eant or Matmessvry has his fear in the Lords | “ lest some day the Foreign Office might come down and bury some members of Hea Masesty’s Government in its ruins.” We know not | what changes are in store for us ; but should a certain Earl be in office | at the time, it will be all the worse for him ; for assuredly nobody will be in a hurry to dig him out.

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14 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. |

HEARTSEASE FOR THE CZAR. Our Scotch friends are great growers of pansies, and | have just achieved some triumphant exhibitions. “or Palmerston” has flowered remarkably well; being almost jall that a pansy ought to be. But “Omar Pasha” has | come out especially brilliant; carrying away the prize as | being and, as well as/ labour with its desert. Wine has been deccwered, which having been Herculaneum,was eighteen hundred years in bottle, presents nothing but a fine old situated at the crust, and a loaf, with the bakers name on it, has been found in a foot of Vesuvius. | similar condition. Eggs have been met with, looking as if they had Herculaneum be-| been newly laid where they were found, and a play-bill of the day, ing the nearer, | announcing the performances of the troop of AmPiiatTus—probably may be said to|the Cooxe or Batty of the period—has been traced on the walls, 3 have occupied the | which thus bear testimony to the excellence of the bill-sticking of the in-step, while Pompeii, situated at a more distant point, may be con- | first century. , a sidered to have stood on the mountain’s great toe. [t would not seem| One of the houses that have been discovered at Pompeii used to be creditable to the wisdom of the ancients to have built a wens piteo |ealled the House of the Tragic Poet, which, owing probably to the immediately under such an extensive fireplace as Vesuvius ; but y | modern notion that ts never occupy houses, but always live in suspected an eruption, and even Strano, who knew the rocks were | igi is now call the Hemarie Evans, ond the teagi past © tine qe, fancied that the fire must be—what he in fact was—quite out. | t eee | out of House and Home. respect for owever, in the year 79, Herculaneum and Pompeii were both | literature induces us idea

destroyed. |is favoured by an inscription at the entrance of “Cave Canem,” or

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(Puncu No. 679. Ad 4 j “4 / , y ‘ A ] j f ’ * vi { \ A \\) \ ) \ ») \ PL WALA | AW) ' LA " h ; etl fl AKIN » ba

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 17 “ Beware of the Dog,’ which may have furnished a general answer to! bed-room is an interesting picture of 8 poet and an actor, the former sitting with his legs crossed in the attitude of a tailor, as if he were a | those clamorous duns with whom the poet was possibly pestered. } | | } The walls are adorned with theatrical and other portraits, among which | is a picture of the poet himself in the act of reading what is in all: robability a Greek play that the poet intends “ aieting ” to the toman stage. In most of the Pompeian houses there was placed rather ostenta-, tiously a large wooden chest, bound with iron, fixed firmly on a stone! — and supposed to contain the wealth of the master of the 1ouse, but on closer investigation of these chests, they seem to have | been emblems of the emptiness of riches, for nothing has been found in any one of them. Sim Buuiwer Lyrtron, in his “Last Days of Pompeii,” has made an amiable effort to elevate the “tragic poet” by | describing his house and its appurtenances in language that its size and | | pretensions scarcely seem to deserve. He says, “on one side of the) | atrium a small staircase admitted to the apartments for the slaves on| | the second floor.” If for “slaves” we were to read “lodgers,” we) | fear we should be nearer the truth, for when we remember that the | landlord was a poet, “the slaves” dwindle down in our imagination | into a solitary “‘slavey,” or maid-of-all-work for the whole establish- | ment. Let us now enter the Pompeian Court, where we are told we shall | find ourselves at once “ with Tacrrus and the two Puinys,” but on| | looking round we see a bricklayer and two labourers, while instead of having “the roar of the amphitheatre still in our ears,” we catch the distinct clatter of the knives and forks of the refreshment-room. This reminds us that the Pompeian Court at the Crystal Palace was ori- ginally intended for purposes of refreshment, and dinners were to have | been served in the best modern style under the ancient peri-style. The | house is supposed to be detached, forming what is called an insula or | island, and, with the poet’s house still in our eye, we can imagine that | his being frequently surrounded with hot water may have caused the | application of the term “island” to his place of residence. There are | no windows near the ground, but there is over the door a “ grating” | through which “the poet” or any other lessee might have delivered occasionally a grating reply to an over-importunate visitor. | The front part of the entrance is called the Vestibulum or Vestibule, which is an evident derivation from the word Vestis, and would seem to show that visitors were in the habit of leaving their Vests, or cloaks in the passage at a Pompeian as at a London residence. At the end of the passage is a screened door, and the threshold is further protected by the representation of a ferocious dog, copied from that which kept guard at the house of the poet, who was anxious perhaps to show that there was a dog who could get a piece out as well as his master, if oceasion should require. Just within the Vestibulum, or passage is the Prothyrum or Ostium, which corresponds to the Hall in which a “ party ” is sometimes asked to take a seat, while the servant goes on with a message, leaving the “ pat to make a clearance of the hats and great coats, if his visit should have been a mere cloak for his dishonest intentions. We next enter the Atrium, a Court or Common Hall, which was a to all visitors, but which is in the Pompeian Court of the Crystal 'alace, rather too open at the top, too open at the doors, and too open at the windows. ‘he basin in the middle of the 4/rium was called the Impluvium, and its use was to collect the rain, which was admitted by a hole at the top called the Complucium. This ought to have been the same size as the reservoir below, but as the artists did not require any water, and wanted additional light, they sacrificed correctness to effect by making the Compluvium so . the Jmpluvium or cistern must be in a state of constant overflow. We will now walk into the bed-rooms or Cudicula, of which there are three in the Pompeian House, which was probably adapted to the residence of a “small genteel family,” for the width of the best hed- proton. Goering afm Fn hes a stom LY gh tL ce of space by | ngs on a surface, an ¢ rather calculated to mislead ee ae for if he ventured on an extra stretch out on the strength of the paintings, he might be un- pleasantly reminded of the strength of the brick walls. In the third mere literary botcher, who has probably been patching up for the actor a very bad part. The Ala, or wing, is a small ment or recess in which luxury might have fixed a butler’s pantry, but where necessity would probably have crammed a turn-up bed. The Ala is said to have used for the transaction of business, but the smallness of the wing would seem to have fitted it for none but flying visits. Opposite the door of entrance we pass into the Tablinum which con- tains the “family archives,” but as the “family archives” were often apocryphal in those days, as the “family plate” is in our own, the | as Tablinum was generally used as a drawing-room {or the spoons, and other members of the family. We here catch a glimpse of the Peristylum, in the centre of which was a square garden; but not wishing to take a turn in the square we at onee enter the 7'riclinium, or dining-room, the walls of which | are adorned with pictures of figs of a "7 figure, and dates of the | , period. The guests did not sit at table, but were accustomed to lie on their breasts to help themselves—an awkward ition in which they must have occasionally looked as if they could not help themselves, icularly if they happened to have imbibed too much wine at the uet. The guests before dinner always took off their shoes, and it would be as well if the practice were clubs, where “ gentlemen are ””—oftenim vain—“ requested not to put their feet upon the sofas.” A Romandimner of the first quality included peacocks au naturel, and other delicacies, of which grasshoppers were perhaps the lightest ; but it is a curious that the course of so man centuries has not made much alteration in the three courses which formed the usual meal of the ancients. wine was rather sweet and fruity, but much depended on its age; the bottles were marked with the names. of the Consuls who were in offiee at the time the wine was made. Thus the liquor got the name, of a person, and it was cus- tomary to call for an amphora of C.msar, or a sip of Scrr1o, as we in modern days order our bottle of Gorpon’s Sherry, or Criquor’s Champagne. Before quitting the Pompeian Court, we would direct attention to the paintings on the walls, in which the ideas are not nearly so bright as the colours. In one place a yellow-haired Venus is seen fish- ing with such success as to have secured a most respectable herring, and there are AMPHORA. several paintings in which Curt is repre- sented as on “ sale or hire,” in various positions. We may with Virnru- vius condemn the taste of making figures stalk out of the stems of flowers, and placing buildings on candelabra, as if a house could stand on such a light foundation as a candlestick ; but we cannot quit the spot without making up our minds to again, again, at the Pompeian House of the Crystal Palace. SUNDRY RULES AND REGULATIONS For the better Observance of the Sabbath in Scotland. Any Railway opine heard whistling, to be impounded, Any Dog found barking, to be instantly shot. Any Fountain found playing in the streets, to be treated as a vagrant under the Police Act, ed in some of our modern | Any Weathercock giving way to ony airs by pong or pirouetting, | ’ or wheeling round in the presence of the public eye, to lose its post. All Bluebottles seen gadding about on that day, raising in all direc- tions their irreligious hum, to be dealt with according to the utmost | rigour of the Law. Any Hen suspected of laying an egg on the Sabbath, to be unhesi- tatingly killed, and divided amongst the poor. Hard People. Iw regard to the state of trade at Manchester, a contemporary the other day reported that “ the hardening tendency of prices continues.” It is a pity that something cannot be done to counteract the hardening effect of business generally on the population of manufacturing towns, THE CLASSIC CHURCHES OF LONDON. Ir is caleulated that the Congregations of the City Churches con- sist, on an average, of from ten to a dozen persons, who are all worshippers of Morruevs. A Reriection wy tHe Commons.—Happy the man born with a silver spoon in his mouth! Miserable the member, with a wooden Sroover in his ear! at ae nt ae eee nae

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| case vay illustrative of the tenderness and respect instinctively paid name published in court, to be afterwards sent t the world in | by mo | was for the fair defendant, whom—as Mr. Epwis James averred—he being a nobleman, was not nominated : “his mame did not i | designated “ er flower.” Cuter Justice Jervis did not his letter to the flower, read in court, bei apievadietinakinas designated “a summ lo i of the chronometer-maker “ is told a my own | have a more pathetic effect oy juries were they to sing of their | watch false, it deceives me and none else; but if the — clock | never sang the lines; the more so, as it is well known he is endowed the son of the chronometer-maker, and at the same time hide, in the 8 _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ’

| BAR, BAR BLACK SHEEP. It is an old trick of barristers of a certain class to abuse each other’s clients and bully each other’s witnesses, but | they have recently to bully and abuse each other in a style worthy of the worst of the Old Bailey. It is not likely that the public call in question the

| i ~ | judgments that these gentlemen of the long robe have | ENS | mutually formed; nor will any sensible person think of ‘ ; OWN IN penes asserting that each barrister not deserved all the ¥¢ vituperation that his learned brother has spit out upon him. We must, however, protest against the outrage of public decency, which has been committed in selecting the occasion of an inquest on a deceased child, for one of | these vulgar exhibitions of forensic squabbling. We cannot |be surprised at the impatience of the jury at a scene which was becoming ~~ moment more disreputable | between the members of the Bar, who really ought to settle their differences through the medium of Bell's Life |in London, rather than through the abuse of opportunities | afforded by their professional practice.

————

} o'¥ gael ees e I Civic Glee. Troll, troll, | The iced-punch bowl,

Troll with white And as certain as fate, } You will catch an Alderman. t | | Se Goprrer Kweier (the anecdote has been hidden | from Horace Watrote)—Str Goprrey was once upon a. | ‘time painting—the subject has escaped us—from a human | cane Fy humble villager. j — “You knows the Quzzw?” says Cuawsacoy to Sm GODFREY. TRUTH IS GREAT. Unsophisticated Little Girl, “ Now, rou a’ pong, Bitty. Ir You arnt Quis? pingectLy I'LL GIVE YER TO THIS GREAT, BIG, Hucty Man ! [Jmmense delight of Swell in gorgeous array. | as I’se a neighbour—to let me have her wash for my pigs. Troll it as deep as we can ; } it,

| ANECDOTES OF PAINTING. | Sra Goprrey bowed. | “ There’s nowt she won’t do for you, eh?” | Six Goprrey smiled and bowed again. | “ Well, then, just have the kindness to ax Her Masesty— >

« Qtt . . »” r + | pathy which twelve true-born Britons generally vouchsafe from a jury- A SUMMER FLOWER” IN THE COMMON Ce to that time-hallowed object, a female in distress. But the homage PLEAS. due to the naughtiness of the great was duly paid at the usual cost of omen of the vulgar small. A worthy chronometer-maker—being the Mar. Serzeant Bries conducted a very delicate case last week; a father of a foolish son attracted by the “summer flower” i Jous Butt to the immorality of noble lords. Mr. Bytes the morning papers; whereas another admirer of summer flower, recollect whether Brother Bries had so designated the fair wronged noble lord, whilst the name out but—having seen her in the witness-box—thought that, with to all the hills.” Isthe Red Book eet better justice, she might be called “ a full-blown flower.” And so, on| And because a worthy citizen and a a abep, and evidence, it appeared: a very full-blown flower; full-blown as any | has a foolish son, shall sin has Dahlia or Datinan. | —lords, who are the born monitors and models of We opine that counsel, resolved in such cases upon flowers, would| What says Danret Deroz on this solemn theme ?—“If appeal. There is an admirable ditty for the occasién in t Beggars’ | goes it deceives the whole parish.” If the watch of chrono- Opera ; and, considering the matter, it is to us an especial wonder that | meter-maker’s son goes false, it deceives him and none else ; but if the Cuantes Puriiirs, who left the Bar with such an illustrious reputa-| clock of the House of Peers goes false, it deceives—only the simpletons. tion for the care and cure of trampled flowers and broken hearts, who unerringly trust to it. Nevertheless, why should Justice expose with adeep, melodious voice. Let us suppose the action is for breach folds of her ample gown, a noble lord? of promise, or for a worse wrong. Imagine the effect of a Sims Reeves (D. V. without a cold, and in gown and wig), trolling forth the lines of Gay :-— A Sledge-Hammer Argument. “ Virgina are like the fair flow'r in its lustre, | . Whieh in the arden enamels the ground Ove Wiit1am Eoury was arraigned before the Middlesex Assistant- ‘and gaudy butterfiles _—<« Judge for having broken prison, by means of a sledge-hammer left in But when onee plucked, 'tis no longer alluring, his way, “the handle next his hand.” The Assistant-Judge wanted to To Covent Garden ‘tis sent (as yet sweet), ' know howa man could be condemned for so doing. Were he himself in ean aed eat abel my bee prison, and a sledge-hammer lying in his way, he doubted not he should do the same thing. Bravo, Assistant-Judge! It would sometimes be This would surely introduce a variety into bar practice, the while it none the worse for justice in the abstract, if the Judge upon the Bench must materially assist the cause and increase the Leuen pleaded and would—just for a minute or so—taking thought of human nature and sung for. human circumstances, put himself at the bar, and so pass sentence The fair flower, in the case in question, failed to obtain that sym-' accordingly.

VSP woes rose on = & lesg 0 owt @ het Pee oe Pho Oe oe seth dA. hi ve de

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his sympathies | | suburbs, there is only one thing to be said, which is that } | | kept separate. From all these evi | named, the readiest way to free the edifices will not be entirely in want of an PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL PSALMODY FOR THE CZAR. Txere is too much reason to fear that the Empgror or Russta is backsliding from that piety of which, at the commencement of his € le against the Turks, he exhibited such a pattern. Paskrewitcn, Scuitpers, Lupers, hors de combat! A \css of 60,000 men altogether since the opening of the campaign! A pontoon bridge with 500 men upon it, and numerous guns, —— by a storm, and all the guns, as well as men, gone to the bottom! many offering their lives for the Czar! and he has not the gratitude to a single Te Deum / Surely Nico as is violently carried away from grace. here be now our quotations from the Vulgate; where be —_ texts from the salms? Or if psalmody on the other side of mouth should now seem rather advisable, cannot the Autocrat afford a stave of that sort? If Te Deum is not exactly the sort of thing, why not sing Miserere 7 Is it, indeed, too much to suggest that his Im: Majesty might as well at once go down upon his knees in an entirely different spirit, and chaunt Peccavi ? FLEAS AND BOOKWORMS AT THE BRITISH MUSEUM. _Pvstic attention has been directed by the Times to the incommo-| dious condition of the Library, and the unserviceable state of the | Cateeans, of the British Museum. Both appear to be in a sad mess, | am former, in addition, swarms with fleas, which have no business there ; for surely the entomological and literary departments should be and particularly from those last } itish Museum would be a liberal augmentation of the number of foreigners, especially Italians and Germans, included the officers of that truly national Institution. Mx. Payizz1, if he had but an adequate number of his countrymen in authority under him, might go on devoting his energies to the prose- | eution of publishers for failing to send copies of their books to the Museum, and might thus continue adding to the lumber which some of his assistants would sort, whilst others were engaged in banishing the vermin, and imparting some degree of cleanliness to the place. Downing Street News. We cannot think that Government has prevented newspaper corres- ts from accompanying the British forces. If this report were true, it would evidence an attempt to render the British Public depen- dent, for the news of the War, on the Invalide Russe, and the Journal SONG OF THE DEVNA CAMP. Arm.—" And all t astonish the Browns.” Tue fast English ensign was sent to the fight Against the tyrannical Czar, So he sought for a dress not too hideous to sight, And convenient to wear in the war. He studied in what he could be most at ease, When one of his friends about town Said, “ Of course, my good fellow, you'll dress as you please, But, by George, you’ll astonish old Browy ! “To old regulations you know he’s a slave, And, if you would spare him a s Every hair of your face you will y shave, And appear in a tight-fitting stock. — You may think in hot climates with this to dispense, But such thoughts are received with a frown ; If your dress were according to good common sense, You would really astonish old Brown.” The fast English ensign this good advice spurned ; The comforts of costume knew ; Aware that in Turkey the sum and wind burned, A beard and moustaches he grew ; A handkerchief loosely he tied his neck round, His shirt collar siealy turned down ; Round his forage cap next a white turban he bound, And all to astonish old Browy. But when he appeared in the eyes of the chief Whose orders he ventured to brave, The rage of Sin Georee quite exceeded belief, As he roared out, “ Go , Sir, and shave | A true English soldier in comfort be dressed ! Such new-fangled rigs I ’\l put down, The heads of the army, { hope, Sir, know best What clothes it should wear,” said Sir Brown. So the fast English ensign retired with a sigh His tailor and barber to see, And they made him, according to rule, such a guy As the true English soldier should be ; With face in a blister and neck in a vice He’s marching away to renown, Very wretched, no doubt, but all right in the eyes Of his martinet leader, Sin Brown. : But smooth shaven faces and tight-fitting stocks Have both in their turn had their day, And now that they ’re scouted by Puacd, and the ror Populi, even Buowys must obey. Should his spirit, some short fifty years hence or less, To our planet look up or look down, Such changes he ’!! see in our brave soldiers’ dress As will truly astonish old Brows ! NO NOTHING IN SCOTLAND ON A SUNDAY. Ls Scotland, it seems from cases recently published, you can not get a dinner ona Sunday. You may starve for what the hotel- keepers care, before they will give you anything to eat. Yes, there is one mouthful of a chance for you—if you take a bed, will throw a dinner in. The saying formerly was “No Song, No r”—it must be altered now, to meet Scotch consciences at least, to “ No Bzp, No Duxwer.” But why not improve upon the absurdity, and. make the poor hungry travellers go to bed at once, and eat their dinners | between the sheets? It would be just as pasion, and, besides, | would throw a solemnity instead of a table-cloth, over the ceremony. ' Or, again, why not insist upon their turning waiters, on the plea that you | are only allowed to give the servants of your is any meal ) ‘on that day? It would be fine puritanical fun to see gentlemen whisk- de St. Petersbourg. Surely “dear ApeRDexy” is not so Russian in| as all this! Sermons for Stones. For the rejection of the proposal to transfer the City churches to the as, accordin to the proverb, walls ha auditory. ing about with napkins under their handing toothpicks to the customers, before they were allowed to swallow a basin of Scotch broth themselves. As it is, it stands thus:—“Take a bed, and you may eat | —don’t sleep in the house, and you may starve, even in sight of the larder.” Surely, benevolence like this is born (as they say) on the | wrong side of the blanket ! THE EMPIRE OF POLLY. Ir may well be a matter of astonishment that the Emrgnon or ve ears, the clergy who officiate in those sacre | vee 5 oy abdicate, for since he has lost his head he ean find ttle use for bis crown.

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“Now tTHex, Younc Gen’L’May, WE CAN’T EXPECT THE Poxy TO DRAG US BOTH UP sucH A Hitt aS THIS, a¥D AS YOUR Lzcs ARE YOUNGER THAN MINE, YOU'D BETTER GET QUE AND WALK.” . _ JENKINS ON A BEER-BARREL. regularly, you know, Cuartey. You promised that. Spies Tat fashionable journal, the Morning piation, ap to be Lord “oo 7 I = J say, what fun if I should arrive in time emulous of the fame of another fashionable journal, of which our | to see St. Petersburg taken! - revered friend Jewxrns is the inspiring genius. e Tizer, as in| The Prince. | hope you will; that’s all, Three cheers for you and playful fondness it is called by its patrons, is plunging into dissipation, | Old Cuaner ! and sporting about at West End parties, ina way quite incompatible} o¢4. Hurray! Hurray! Hurray ! with its decorous licensed victualling character. We meet it at a| he Prince. Well, come and have some lunch. réumion at Lavy Giamis’s, glancing jauntily round the aristocratic|. We suppose that Ma. Janxives pe Beek will faint away, when he salon, and observing, in slightly awkward imitation of the patronising is told that a Prince and a Duke’s son talk like other yo ur gentlemen grace of Jenkuns, that “among the visitors we noticed a brilliant of their age. We should like to see Ass notion of the well” in circle of the corps diplomatique.” As affectionate young matrons say, question. It would a run thus -— the way that child takes notice is extraordinary. But the aspiring, 4-2. H. the P. of In pers with you, my dear Lonp Cuarzs, licensed victualler seeks still higher scenes. One of the younger sons Permit me to say, that while (I admit), envying the duty confided to of the Duke or Newcastxe has just joined his vessel, the Dauntless, you, of serving our common country, and regretting the temporary and the Menxrys of the Beer-barrels is present when the young noble- Separation which alienates me from a valued friend, I cannot but con- man “takes lave of his Illustrious Young Personal Friend, the Heir- gratulate you upon the prospects of witnessing, under the gallant Apparent.”” The farewell, according to our licensed scribe, is “affec-| Narten, an addition to the glory of our arms. - tionate.” Now we really must remonstrate against our worthy and| Jord C. P. C. Cordially reciprocating those sentiments, your Royal honest friends, the witlers, sanctioning this kind of thing. They are | Highness, so far as the difference in our positions permits me to do, men of practical sense, and know perfectly well that the reporter L would reply, that next to the L of serving the nation over who “ noticed” the diplomatists, and the other one who reported the which your R. H.’s family preside, is t leasurable anticipation that affectionate farewell, had just as much chance of being invited to Lany your R. H. may hear that one whom you have condescended to honour Giamis’s and to Buckingham Palace, as the two dirtiest little boys | With your friendship has not proved himself altogether unworthy of who should come up to the bar of a publichouse and offer lucifers for | the distinction. ¥ sale, would have of being asked into that snug little back parlour, and, 47. 2. H. the P. of W. 1 do not doubt it, my dear Lonp Cuanruzs, requested to “ put a name” to anything they would fancy. As to the and I will now invite you to dedicate a glass of our best wine to your diplumatists who were noticed, we would give odds that Mr. Jenxixs | ©¥0 prosperous career, and to the glory of the British arms. ; De Beer does not know Count Waewski from Curvauien Buxsen,| ord C. P. C. Most joyfully will I avail myself of your R. H.’s and as to the affectionate parting between the Pxixce or Waxes gracious invitation, and will venture to add, that in combating for the The Prince. Not a bit. We are going to Scotland. You must write | and Lorn Cuanues Cuuntox, we happen to know that it was in flag of my country, [ shall never forget | it bears the arms of a this wise :-— | family whose heir has honoured me with his regards. ~~, Dp , ; . H. R. H. the P. of W. This way then, my dear Lonp Cuartzs. The Prince. What, you are really going, then, Cuanuey ? Lord Charles. Off to-morrow. This, no doubt, would be more in conformity with Mz. Jenxuys DE The Prince. | wish | was going with you, old fellow. Beer’s ideas of aristocratic manners, than our version of the inter- Lord Charles, Ab, don’t 1? wouldn’t that be prime? (Earnestly) 1| view. We must express our hope that the witlers pe ow a stop to suppose it’s no use asking ? his vagaries, and insist upon his drawing it a good deal milder. Printed by Wiliam Bradbary, of No. 12, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parivh of St. Pancras, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 27, Vic oria Street, in the Parish of ©t. Marcaret and St. John, V es mineter, both in the County of Mitdlesex, Printers, at their Office in Lombard Strect, in the Precimet of W hitefria.s, in the City of London, and Pub!ished by them at No. 3, Floct Street, im the Parish of St. Bride, in the City of London.—Sarvswat, July 15, 1804, 7 SfESEBS8 BESeH

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 21 a —_— the Bosphorus,’ which, she said, had converted IMPORTANT FROM THE SEAT OF WAR! a great number of Poles and H me after my promising to study —_— JOURNAL OF THE SIEGE OF SILISTRIA, BY OUR OWN BASHI-BOZOUK. ree Unless you intend to come round, Mocut- : coon,” said my friend, the dervish, ‘you had Seutari, Tuesday, ‘better put A: distance between sn a the Dy “My Dear Sir, Par Pie enter wehes Oe —- A is a fiery little creature,’and will a by the 33rd jboys, — pou enany or poisoned as sure as your whom new intimately at “ Dundalk (I hereby present my a. in Dublin, Care & fo be =r fo me best regards to CovoneL BLaKE b = ‘oy and the officers of that regi- DU", not im Constantinople! Finding t ment, who have the best mess coach was was going to — that Se hon ae and of apy regiment in Her ‘ hes I — i = Burrawwtc Masesty’s service), **®8¢-Coaches are), a place for mysel and to keep out of the way of sistra servant in j~s Nag bye to the Governor of time the clock of the unpleasant rencontres with fu ia struck thirteen (the GeweraL Lorn R—ci—x, hr at whch the Slt Motrin poinved Generac H. R. H. ruz Duke! oe C—mpa—poee, and other ron whe at y day, I ee was on naintances of happier ears, | "OF T hove taken the pier years, | You now por ao =n my death was an- since my arrival here of dyein nounced, on the very first day of the siege of my face, beard, and hands, an ‘this place ; a piece of news which put poor wearing a plaister over my nose Nisoowa into a dreadful fury; she was so en- and righteye. I use Buneess’s| | raged to think I had escaped her vengeance. = walnut ketchup for my face and do not envy Nosst Pasua, whom she has hands in preference to India| married since by order of her — father. = soy, which I employed at first : | Nosst is a quiet man, and she leads him and his but for which the flies and/| family th the deuce’s own life. wasps, which abound in this’ The Governor of Silistria welcomed me with country, have a great liking, | that distinction which I_am accustomed to re- “ Yesterday, as I was having ae from brave men, Having been just obliged =a *of the Sultan’s | to hang the colonel of a regiment of most mother, the dear Suttawa Vatrpen, a whacking big hornet, attracted by the confounded soy, | Tefractory Bashi-Bozouks, the Pasha was pleased settled close on my nose, stung me, and occasioned atrocious agonies. Of course I to offer me the vaeant command, which I ac- to grin as if nothing was the matter, and continue the conversation, which was most | ‘cepted, and when I had partaken of coffee and | the Sultana left us I could bear the pain no longer, but rubbed my nose, | pipes, given . —— rows = x “Tt was so swollen that the and excellent | English Pr—nee, who made one at a + a person of the highest distinction, consultation, very likely not recognise me. At any rate he did not. A dancing! — bravery, and most aristocratic manners, dervish (a - holy man, and great favourite of the Sultana’s), fetched some leaves out of the lie wrote a line by an aide-de-camp, and mounting = and, having chewed them, fomented my feature, which speedily resumed its own classic horses, which were for us, | rode down Mem.—To inquire what ‘the plant i is, and send some to dear friends at home; where ‘aie the place by the Bikes Surtan SeviM, a ' ittle to the left of the ’ quarter of the lowe of spirit may often get a sw eye still, praised be luck !—at elections, fairs, and tinge — ~ The splendid poopeanle which her Highness made to me (in private) on the part of h her | “A more drunken and 4 sey set of vaga- | imperial son, of course, are out of the question. The young Puiscess Nwoona (for those | bonds eyes never In the centre of who like that cue of beauty) is lovely certainly. She is but p Fay and must weigh as many 'the place, they stuck up t rts their standard with stone. Her eyebrows meet. Her complexion is very fair (though T must say I think she is|@ hideous Russian head, surmounted by its painted). Her teeth are not good, owing to the quantity of sweetmeats they take. When [ cocked hat on the top. ‘The tom-te tom-toms, kettle- go to see the Surtawa Va.ipen | am half choked with the lumps of sugar-candy which I am ‘drums, jinjalls, and other music of the regiment obliged to swallow whenever I say os engttinn witty , and that, of course, is at every other | were around d this, The men were scattered here observation. It seems Nisoona remarked me as Pon riding in the Valley of the Sweet |and there, some , some smoking, many Waters (Aer’s then must have been the hand which held out three rhododendrons and intoxicated, and a rude canopy sate a Se 2 pais a behind the pink and silver curtains of that emerald-green aroba!), and dozen of officers, of whom a tic woolly- was piaeas with my personal appearance, Nisoona! thou art not the first, by long chalks, haired mulatto seemed the chief ; he had a “> pone cRasenes Uy See Sees! | of wine a oe eran we Wishing to soothe ev s disappointment as much as ible —when a hint was Was gnawi 0 with his angs, given me in a certain ongued, on told one of the few falsehoods which I have uttered holding it up with his huge fists, and glaring at im my life, and said I was married in my own country. And the upshot of this silly fib was me over the meat, tothe young leds ‘imperial her did id | gouticunee, the Caphaiae und Licetonnnis of ehis ung 8 ot id not seem to consider my previous marriage gentlemen, eas ieutenants o an chiegtion. * All that we ce comme is that Nisoona shall be the first wife; and if the prett second makes any objection, my dear Colonel,’ the Sultana-Mother said, in her arch way, | “*Yes,’ they plied, seasoning their ‘answer “there is plenty of or, in the bazaars, and the Bosphorus is very a with curses in a hundred dialects “To have the rank o tor ag and a palace at Constantinople and at Therapia, with ity | “*Then stand up! : i cae out, is I millions of patos an and jewels to a still larger amount ; to divide the command with read my commission’—and acco cay | Pasa ; wide war, to have the hereditary pashalic of ~~ with | that deunat from the aide-de-c-m io built i me at Poctenton, oo "and Beyroot—these, I confess, were some must say, trembled eames rhea offers, not to be abeel an so much to my merit, no doubt, as to the passion which young | the paper, held it to my forehead Nusoowa had conceived for me: who i is, as is well known, her imperial father’s favourite, to | then read it to the officers and whom his Highness can refuse nothiag ahh 4 ya Colonel “The poor thing actually tried to i her simple accomplishments, and sang are you?’ yelled the Bimbashi, laying his ies me one or two pas ‘sang, Whe i opi I was also a musician, I took up the | of lamb + owe ot es D ing Who fears to speak of Ninety Bight 2’ (out of my friend mae his mouth with his great hosaytien oe ms ee eer ee Senge nc—ss—s. No wonder ! and a Giaour, and you ate come to they were affected as the poor po ans! eet over 2 oS ae les ben fo “ But marriage and turning cd = as quite susie ire de bottes. When Nisoowa went sentinels ! dag, weeping out of the amg | some tay bar eal, Gh grandmother the question to | Ensign !’ _. er pont-tlaak, No! i a look > uy kine he A ete sides ole and who with dancing put me on my quad. ‘Madam,’ said I, ‘I must ask your R—y—1 the Major?’ says I mission to have some conversation with my reverend friend here regarding the two| “* € propose that the a goes with iia, ond & been eomtinas ee indeed ! Gobewy ea eee er creed ; | the re, a roared out the she gave me a couple of little tracts, ‘ The Washerwoman of Therapia,’ and ‘ The Boatman of! “* Where are the vemos officers ?’ VOL. XXVII, D ae ~~ ot Pas;

Page 26

a ~ =r ae oe — Kec eee 22 _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. says I. Seven or eight of them were standing apart as I saw. ‘ Let the | men fal] in!’ I roared, ‘Captains, go to your companies. Major !’— “ What I was going to say to him does not matter; for the ruffian fired a shot at me, and then sent the pistol flying at my head. “It knocked down the poor aide-de-camp who was with me-—upon which, seeing I had to do with nine ruffians, of course I produced my Revolvers, one of Cort’s and one of Hawpooc k's, regarding the respective merits of which, there has been some question. “The practice, as 1 take it, is pretty oe. With the Coxz I shot three captains, two lieutenants, missing No. 6, the ensign—with the Hawpcock I potted two ensigns, a captain, a lieutenant, and finally my friend the major, sending a ball into his great mouth, and stopping his horrid language for the future towards his colonel and your “ Basni-Bozouk.” PUNCH’S HANDBOOKS TO THE CRYSTAL PALACE. THE EGYPTIAN COURT. Iuactnine that we have asked a policeman the nearest way to and that he has civilly told us, to “take the first on the left,” wes find ourselves at the end of an avenue of Lions, which would not under ordinary circumstances be an agreeable promenade ; but fancying our- selves on an equality with any of the Lions of the place we are induced to enter. We find ourselves opposite to the entrance of a Temple, and having a sort of natural aversion to the Tem from legal associations with which the Lions’ mouths, and their formidable amount of jaw, may have some subtle connection—we pause to examine | exterior. lhe anintelligible hieroglyphics that surmount the tian Temple in the Crystal Palace help to carry us to the Temple in t Street, for there is a close analogy betaveen the jargon of law and the language of mystery. We learn, however, that certain strange figures, of which the least inscrutable are a pair of sugar tongs, a curtain ring, a short | German pipe, and the blade of a knife, are the names of Her Masesty AnD Prince A.sert. It is fortunate for the Queen that she has not to make the sign manual in Egyptian characters, for if she did, she would be compelled to copy the Royal sugar tongs and scribble short German pipes over every official document re- quiring her signature. On the frieze we | find a horse-shoe, a billiard ball, a quantity | of strange birds, an individeal going | either to hang himself or jump out of window, and a few other equally brilliant designs, which we find signify altogether that “ Hen Masesty the ruler of the waves,” (we thought Britannia did that part of the business) “the chiefs, architects, sculptors and painters, erected this palace with a thousand colours, a thousand decorations, a thousand statues of chiefs and ladies, a thousand flowers, a thousand birds and beasts, a thousand tanks, and a thousand vases.” Thuis lan- guage is evidently borrowed from an old declaration in an action for an assault, in which the defendant was ; usually alleged to have given “a thon- sand blows with a thousand arms, on a thousand e a thousand noses, and a thousand mouths, whereby the plaintiff had sustained a thousand pounds damages.” The same inscription is repeated in other places with the addition of a figure like a chimney pot which means stability, a racket which repre- sents life (though it would seem to be limited to a rackety life) and an utterly inexplicable figure which is said to stand for ity, though to us it appears purely poe columns of the facade have their capitals adorned with = and lotus, both of which are so effective, that both seem to bear the palm when separately examined. On entering the door, we see on the wall a representation of the triumph of Rameses tuz Taian, who, seated in his chariot, looks on at his seribes counting the number of hands cut from the slain, while the few bearers in attendance aid him to look coolly on at the shocking spectacle. On the other sidé is a battle scene, in which a chief and a charioteer are both falling by the hand of the king, who, if he has not two strings to his bow, seems to have at all events two victims to his arrow. Passing onward we take a glance at the eight gigantic figures of Rameses holding the crook and flail, which are emblematical of his power to punish and rotect, to cherish and to thrash his people. The _— in the Egyptian Court are mere ciphers compared with the originals; but, though the directors would not bave objected to the highest figure in point of expense, ie were compelled by the space at their disposal to depart from facts, by the diminution of their figures. One of the most beautiful objects im the ptian Court is a representation—im reduced circumstances—of the famous Temple of Kanwac at Thebes. This temple was com- | meneed by Osizis THE Fest, and was finished by some subsequent Rameses, who put his |name to the work,—though the idea was not | his own—a practice which is still prevalent. | We must not overlook the Temple of Anoo | Smeper, though it was overlooked for many centuries until BurckHARDT recognised a row of heads in the sand, which had been running |from the hour glass of Time for ages over |them. He fancied that where beads had been found, temples miglit be discovered. Betzonr — and others having cleared away the sand, made their way into this wondrous monument in Nubia, which, but for their researches, might as well have been in Nubibus. himself is, in the original, sixty-one feet high, while the Suw at his side, to whom he is offering a statue of Truth, is only twenty feet high, and we cannot help feeling that the offer of a statue of Truth comes with but an ill grace from a figure embodying in its exaggerated size a most enormous falsehood. The model in the Crystal Palace is only one tenth of the size of the original, but the two figures in what is called the Sydendam transept are full-length copies, and are so capacious that a public house might be started, called the Rameses Head, in the occiput of either one of them. On the left hand is the Philoe Portico, among the prominent features of which are the faces of an ape, a hawk, a man, and ajackal. Figures of this description in wax or porcelain were often placed with a mummy, and there are cases in which a mon- key and an ass are found on each side of a man, who is thus represented as something between an ape and a donkey. Passing through a doorway, we come to the Inner Es ourt, where we find a si bearer walking with his left leg first, which is the peculiarity of every ptian statue, and would seem to show a superstition of the tians, that in placing the left leg , they were putting their best leg foremost. Proceeding th the Court of Amunothph, which 1s of the real size, we come to the facade of the outer tian Court, which is adorned with various more or less interesting figures : one of them re ts Nritus bringing her ctions on a sort of tray, for the Egyptians always draw the Nile as a young woman acting in the ity of a waitress, or gomg round with the tray at a tea-party. The image of Truth is frequently introduced as an object of Egyptian art, and when we look at the false representations of nature with which Egypt abounds, we cannot be surprised that Truth appears as an image, or, in other words, as an imaginary character. Re-entering the Inner Court, we come to a portico, the capitals of whose columns are adorned with a capital imitation of the lotus. Above them is the head of an Egyptian Venus, whose ears are those of a cow, and are fair specimens of carving. pg

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‘PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. quilting Egypt by the entrance towards the Greek Court, we | oa observe some interesting subjects on the facade, and among | others, is the initiation of the King into the sacred mysteries, by | pouring over him im rapid succession the contents of sever: vessels. | Having attended the reader ugh the Egyptian Court, we will | request him to take an imaginary turn with us to Egypt itself, whose | | gigantic monuments are the oldest and largest in the voerid, so that | modern art has never outgrown the ancient, although growing out of | . The two pyramids were built by two kings, Creops and NecHoso, | who had such an idea of their own greatness that they thought nothing | less than the pyramid would be large enough for them to be buried in. | The used to cut forms of ractice W has long been followed by the ave cut coal sheds out of the solid cliff om their LN nuity. The Obelisk is also of Egyptian , and needs no description | pe ee Fw gr which we have been placed on terms of | on eontempt—by the bit of masonry im the) Bi: vekfriaes Road the Waithman monument in Fleet Street. Here we take leave of the reader for the present, to proceed to our | pee he Bri —a Court which, for “the vast renown it hath uired ” will some be added to the other Courts in the Crystal e. in the rocks, a) Ls og Ramsgate, w ho | A SCIENTIFIC QUESTION. “ Mr. Pu = gy henge you have such am cxtrodinay talent seat he tele pone, even an igno- rance is far more waluable than “| perceive, Sir, that, ee article having tL + T >t te consider the matter too sec Soe. SS eee, a fine Whole Duty ri in clear t on grass of what was once a Bahop? A Chasen oF the Eacheguey "reduced to pu,” ry: find himself upon the stalls as a! fashionable duchess rustle in the | ee Footman.” day a _— . Punch, are -dreams of science ! his paletal reflection, o I remain, yours, “Wease, WipeawAKE.” THE DOWNFALL OF DOWNING STREET. Tue friends of the Ministers have reason to be alarmed at the | | condition of the Foreign —a seems to threaten the downfa of at least one department of the Government. | Foreign Secretary cannot give a party without having the building | propped up—a fact which we hear without eunpries, for if “the party consists of the old Whig party, a great amount of propping af Ao ee | required. It seems that 2 dinner cannot be given, becat re is no kitchen ; and indeed if there were a kitchen, it is aaa there would be so many Whig cooks on the look-out for ag oe that they would spoil the broth among them. If the Foreign cannot give a dinner cooked at home, we suppose he must have it sent in from some neighbouring tavern, to which an order for “six beefs,” and so | many breads and ¥ les, to the number of the guests, will | | have been previously forwarded. however, the Dg cannot always offer to those who drop in upon hi ie hoes of Fon? ints,” it may be convenient at times to give “them the “cold It seems that the| We are told that on one occasion of a dinner having been given, the | eeiling fell into the soup-plates, and that was not altogether when our relations with France were rather unsettled, and the of Paris was not so firmly united with the Foreign Office as could have been desired. We are rather at what we have heard, for we | always thought the Foreign Offiee was the very last of our Government | departments that was likely to give way—which it mever would have | done while upheld by such a il of strength as Patmenston. Pleasure at Pleasure Gardens.. be | Wessel constituted a miracle of gunnery, taking and furnished a species of white soup | hostile The incident probably happened | BrTwEEn a man who goes up in a balloon to come down in a chute, and any one who resorts to see him, there is this difference, that | the former risks his neck, and the latter does not. As the one however, is accessary to the suieide in case that other should get killed, it may well be questioned whether the law ought not to! place the speetator in equal peril with the aeronant. | THE SEA FIGHT OF SEBASTOPOL. (RUSSIAN ACCOUNT.) OBSERVING an Anglo-French squadron, con- sisting of 10 sail of the line, detached some distance from the main fleet, which number- ed many hun- dred men-of - war and fri- -—~ gates, our two -- steamers, Gro- : monassetz and Wladimir 1 bastopol in or- der to chastise the insolence of the enemy, who had dared to approach to withm a few versts of the range of the guns of the Imperial for- tress. With = temerity which was not to have been expected after their defeat at Odessa, the French and Eno ships maintained their position, and awaited the conflict, which, however, they did not venture to imitiate. A summons to surrender having been received by the enemy in | silence, the Gromonassetz fired a ninety-eight pounder, which carried | away the mainmast of the British flagship. A similar ball discharged by the Wladimir sent two French vessels of 100 and 150 guns to the ttom. The enemy then opened a fire upon us, which may be described as terrific, on account of its noise, but wi did comparatively little damage, although it lasted for full six hours. Our loss amounted to two or three killed, and about twenty —— and pave slightly wounded ; inelusive of some 1 - The bowsprit of the Wladimir zed by a round shot, and the topsail of the Gromonasset: was fun tp ths explosion of a shell. On the part of the enemy the loss must have been very severe. | Besides the French vessels sunk by the Wladimir, an Wnglish l|ine-of- battle ship was blown up by a@ red-hot sent right through her | powder magazine by the G'romonassetz, Another shot from the same as ‘ of an er under water, and carrying away the enemy were dismasted, and steamer. Most of the other ships of een pte unequal contest continued during when the a eet ee dard Ty as fast. as its disabled condition permitted. Our two gallant little immediately gave chase, and had nearly overtaken their steamers opponents, whom they would certainl, prudenee, tele that they would hued be 7 therefore slowly returned to Sebastopol, a singing songs of triumph, while loud lamentations from the His Imperial Majesty bas issued commands for » Te Dewn to be sung | in al) churches as a Caemaries fe this glorious re, ennobled the two Captains of the a and GaMMONOWS&«I, conferring on them also the rank ot ‘Admirals. Ail the officers have been proportionably advanced ; the seamen have been raised to the rank of lieutenants; and all the eabin- boys and powder- monkeys promoted to be midshipmen. A Difficult Calling. mae be all very well to say that the office of a tax-gatherer needs gun. |n0 gues hilly for the fulfilment of its duties, but there is no employ- ment whieh requires such constant application. Toe Sroustrraw Orrxation.—As the Russian soldier tastes so much of the stick, it is no wonder that he should take the first oppor- tunity of cutting it.

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I. 24 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL WHAT A DREADFUL STORY! Stout Party. “Stor! Here! Casman! We WANT To GO AS FAR TER-WARDS WHITECHAPEL AS WE CAN FOR Sixpence?” Cabman, “Vunx sonny, Mum! But tae Oss HAs BIN OUT ALL DAY—DEAD BEAT, Mum—corne Home, Mom! A RETIREMENT FOR LORD JOHN RUSSELL. Tue Journal des Débats, in an article on the recent failures of the | English Government, alludes to Lonv Joun Russei. having drowned his own offspring—his Reform Bill—in a river of his own tears, and | concludes by saying, that there will be no resource for him but Chelsea | or Greenwich. The Dédats being the best informed French paper on | English affairs, we may form some idea of the extent of knowledge that | | become of Lory Anserpgen, for whom a playfully picked up the shells—at exists in France on matters of the kind, when the highest authority in the Parisian press expects Lonp Joun Russewt to end his official career as a Chelsea pensioner or a Greenwich “ collegian.” Fanc Lorp Joun in a blue coat and cocked-hat, walking about Greenwic Park, offering to show the public a cockroach through a microscope, or telling of the many political contests in which he has passed his life, | and asking for a trifle to buy a little extra "bacco. Such is the termi-| nation to his political life, which the Journal des Débats seriously | anticipates for Lonp Jony Russei1, when pointing to Chelsea or) Greenwich as the only alternative that is left to him. . We should like our Parisian contempo to tell us what is to at one of the Park | Gates—with the privilege of selling curds and whey—would perhaps seem an appropriate retirement in the eyes of one who can see better than Greenwich Hospital as an asylum for Lornp Jonw Russe... A Tit-bit from the “Invalide Russe.” “Tue English newspapers are full of the heroism of one Lucas (a non lucendo), who, in the recent nt of ten English steamers with three Russian corvettes, off Sebastopol, picked up a shell and flung it overboard before it exploded. What is this to the heroism of our Russian mothers and children, the former of whom have been seen (as t even the English newspapers admit) through the telescopes of officers on board the lish fleet, peacefull casteh oh sealien ork, b their villas, on the delightfal shores of the Crimea, while their infants their feet! ” '» RASCAL WORSHIP. Tere is a species of cant whereby Mr. Punch has of late been frequently disgusted, and which he hopes will not, after this warning, be repeated, to the excitement of nausea on the of all humanly organized stomachs. An honest execration of the Emperor or Russia is met with the remark that he is an amiable creature im private life, or even that he is personally a fine uoble fellow. This, not only of the Monarch who has caused a much greater sum of human suffermg t Nero, if not than all the worst of the Casans together, but of the gentleman who flogs women and forfeits his word! It is not fine to talk this sort of cant, as those who are addicted to it appear to think ; it does not show any superiority to vulgar feeling, but on the contrary, a very remarkable sympathy with the class “Snob.” ly a com- mon murderer is pos in the dock who is not reported as having a mild expression of countenance, or comes to be hanged without having numerous instances of benevolence and amiability recorded of him. The base mind delights in magnanimous rascals and gentle villains ; and the apologists of Nicnotas, whatever their rank may be, whoever are their tailors, belong in spirit to the same vile herd as those whose weak sympathies with Tuurrerz or with Rusu are addressed by the penny-a-liner. Shocking Case of Retribution. A Trztotat Spy, watching a tavern-door in Glasgow, the door was swung-to with such malicious force, that it shut in the points of three of his fingers! The yell of the spy—says the Glasgow pele be described: but such suffering was trifling compared with what was to follow. A doctor was called in, who immediately ordered half-a-pint of whiskey and water wherein to steep the teeto’ s fingers ! Horg ror tHe Perseverine Stupent.—The man who has suc- cessfully sought a needle in a bundle of hay, need not despair of finding the book which he inquires for at the British Museum. |

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ri ~ L/ a —— rar = ’ J AES a ae a a ————1 f el —_— — - > i i a Iun,," i f J ( Fr is ‘u,, all) ‘a ‘ ro LJ BE TAKEN AT iit BED-TIME | ip THESE PILLS To " : iu dt | MN THE REAL “INVALIDE RUSSE.” aD [Puscu, No, 680. Jutr 22, 1854.)

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schoc wadd Ti milit our | in hi milit oe A moun bende was é anno 1 Can rally wort is sv so t] “ Be follo mor mus T Coe!

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. SPORTING IW THE SOUTH. ne Richmond Examiner, of the Slave States, suggests the neces- sity of shooting all schoolmasters s0- A murderer, ever. named A JUDICIAL LEAP IN THE DARK. Serseant Apams has been sometimes called “ singular ” in his mode of administering justice, but when we examine | the acts his deputy, _ Wiruam, we are enabled to acquit both of singularity by saying there is decidedly “a | pair of them.” ‘The other day Mn. Wirnam got hold of the string so often harped upon by Senseanwr Anas, Warp, is|and the Deputy twanged away at it, in a style of aequitted for assas-|slap-dashiness quite worthy of his principal, Apams sinating one of the | objects to sum tribe; and the Hz-|and so, in fact, aminer speaks jurisdiction, and so does Witnam, 80, do we, if summary jurisdiction is to of | consist in entrusting to one man the power of passin the matter as only | such sentences as are often passed at Clerkenwell an an opening of what | Middlesex. ought to be con-| Among other cases tried before the Deputy Assistant- sidered the sporting | Judge was one of prison-breaking, of which the accused season in the south. | was found guilty, when Mr, Wirnam, in passing sentence, This is, certainly, | declared “he should have done the same thing himself,” teaching the young | that “he did not see what the man was to be punished idea how to shoot/|for,” and that “justice would be satisfied by sentencing their guides, philo- sophers, and friends, The Eraminer does not go into the par- ticulars of ammuni- tion, and so forth ; : but it would surely " give a the sport, if every | schoolmaster was shot with a bullet cast from his own leaden imkstand, the rifle M, i “4 4 =. fey = vu — U “ee , a wadded with a moral —y Mee the early murderer’s copy-book. says the Examiner, “ that t riety of shooting an a caught tampering with our “We imagine,” | haw lition schoolmaster when | entitled to a year’s hard labour ves has never been questioned by any intelligent | that “he did not see what the prisoner was to be punished | him to twelve months’ hard labour.” It is rather difficult to get at the rationale of all this; but it would be a perfectly legitimate logical deduction to say, that Ma. WrrnaM, in his own opinion, deserves twelve months’ imprisonment, Against such an authority we should be sorry to appeal, and therefore, when he says that he would do as the prisoner done, we, remembering that the will is the essence of the deed, and presuming Ma. Wrraam to have been just in inflicting twelve | months’ imprisonment for an act which he himself would have committed, can only conclude that he feels himself Tt is true he remarked. zest =(to Southern man.” Thus, to be true children of Columbia, the children must be the | for,” but as Justice is said to be blind, a sentence in the sons of guns! MUSIC FOR MARS. Tue Scutari Special Correspondent of the Morning Post describes a military mass which was e other day im the open air by our French allies at Adrianople. To judge from the following passage in his account of the mass, it certainly appear to have been a very military service indeed :— “ At the elevation of the Host a salvo of five guns was fired, and three colours, sur- mounted by the Imperial eagle, were dipped, and all the troops presented arms with bended knees. At this moment the coup d’ail was truly imposing. When the mass was ended, the ‘ Domine salvum fac Imperatorem Napol ’ was chanted, and a gun announced the end of the ceremony.” The boom of ordnance does seem a rather odd accompaniment to the Canon of the Mass. “ Gloria in Excelsis, &c. Ei in terrd pax” gene- rally comes next. In a mili mass, accompanied with artillery, the word “ Pax” is perhaps expanded into Paixhans. Or, peradventure, it is sung very small, and probably drowned by the report of a howitzer, so that the passage in the Roman liturgy alluded to would be heard as “ Et in terra” —bang! The Ite Missa est, too, would be appropriately followed by an explosion in lieu of a benediction. The clash of swords, moreover, might — ith the roar of great guns ; so that the mass- music would be regular Mans-music. These are the reflections which natural} Cockney and a Protestant on perusing the of whieh, however, appends to his narrative a comment conceived in a sublimer spirit ; observing that “ It is very gratifying to find that the God of Forees is set before Mahommedans by the allied armies as the Giver of all victory.” This may be very gratifying to the Russians; but to whom besides ean it afford any reaso’ ification? To represent the “God of Forces” to the Turks as the deity of the allied armies, can only confirm them in the persuasion that we are idolatro oceur to the mind of a celebration of divine worship by means of cannon is galculated to im- press them with a notion that we do adore that deity; and perhaps at this moment they are convinced that istians venerate the offspring of Juno. Eor further information concerning the “God of Forces” than what may be found in Lempnitre’s Classical Dictionary, the corre- spondent of the Post should resort to a Sunday School, or invite the visit of a Scripture reader. Count Pahlen in Parliament. We bope, for his own sake, that Couwr PaH.en is-too wise to return to Russia. After the praise bestowed upon him by the House of Lords, he would inevitably be packed off to Siberia. estatement: the author | ms giaours. Certainly, the | dark is perhaps excusable, DIRTY MONEY. In the Daily News, 1 Mn. Lustre’s sense of propriety is duly out- raged by a daily practice : “ A numerous class of men and women who chiefly travel by omnibuses, defile their lips and even mouths, by holding money between their teeth.” This is intolerable ; and marks either the ignorance, or the unseemli- ness of the offenders. Mx. Lestm pathetically asks—‘“ Can these persons be aware of the quintessence of filth worked by dirty fingers into the rims of coins and on their uneven surface, putting aside the fear of contagion, &c.?” This ought to be thought of. Considering | too the dirty means by which, in this vale of tears, money is sometimes | obtained, the com, held even in the mouth, —s dangerous. Never- | theless;}we fear Mr. Lesure preaches to an adder. —y How Money has no odour, said the Roman emperor. can money be foul ? Pecunia non olet, All money—however obtained—is clean, is the belief of a very numerous class of persons who do not ride inomnibuses, but in vehicles of family exclusiveness. Money, like fermenting wine, cleanses and purges i of all original foulness ; otherwise it be thought,’that the most worshipful members of society would continually have money between their lips—money even in their mouths ? Were it — that money was liable to harbour dirt and infection | would it be necessary to warn stock-jobbing Christians of the peril to be encountered in the Russian loan? Nevertheless the benevolence of | a paternal French government has, on its part.and the part of England, warned all French and Knglish subjects against the dirty money offered with dirty interest by the Empzrorn Nicnotas—“ Every British sub- ject”—runs the notification—“ subscribing to a loan in for a power at war with Great Britain will be guilty of high treason, as | affording aid to the enemies of the Quen.” This warning is enough | to spoil the taste of Russian money in the mouth, even of Bew Isnann, making what before was sweet as the manna of the wilderness, as foul and defiling as Russian tallow, or lard of Russian wild-boar. The Glass without the Wine. We do not believe the following statement of the Builder. “A Temrenawce ‘ Pacace,—An yey is on foot amongst the friends of Temperance, eo the sale of wine, &c., at Sydenham, to purchase the Surrey | sonatas tabteoea,tecsendenntenl Gas tepmecesh to eutbe aatapeb ey 400000 cise re us, : See for £25,000." | It is incredible that the équtatalionn cheutl mnie an asmananment fer collecting their disciples under glass at the Surrey Zoological Gardens, because this would be, clearly, inviting and encouraging them to make beasts of themselves.

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wes AEC =~, -s "al Sr. a ae _— eee

28 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ” = “- | FIRST COUSIN TO CHOLERA, - “| f i-. \ | Da. Rosert Lee has written a book, in which A“ A, Vay y \ ~ |he describes a rate of mortality, more than ree, 20,000 a year above the natural average, as | having prevailed on the confines of Circassia | during the last 28 years, amounting, in round | aumbers, to 600,000 deaths. From the same | cause an unknown but enormous loss of life has, | according to Dr. Leg, occurred also in Persia | and Poland ; besides 300,000 persons swept off in | Turkey ey Let of these 50,000, however, | having been royed by the concurrence of the | ordinary Pl . To the above victims, the | Doctor adds 30,000 and upwards, fallen in the | Prineipalities since their occu : the whole lof these unfortunate wret having been | subjects of Russia; and an incalculable number of Circassians, Persians, Pi les, and | having shared their fate, Tt might be supposed that Da, Lee is describing the rav t Small-pox, Typhus, or Cholera : this & not 80; | he is only recounting the murders of the Czar. | It is said, by the way, that the Cholera has brokea out in C .. Perhaps this is only |a figurative mode of stating that Nicnoras in | person, to encoutage his troops, has made his | appearance in the garrison.

| Eastern Occupation. | ‘Tue Anglo-French forces in the Fast are called an army of occupation; but whatever their occupation may be, they seem to be doing very little. Indeed it may be questioned whether

MATERNAL SOLICITUDE. Mr. Joseru Mrtter would not be justified in Anxious Parent. “On, wy Dear Caartes! How orp you nurt your Leos? anxp now describing the English troops as doing nothing, | caw YOU GO ABOUT IN THAT DISTRESSINGLY swett'p conpiTion ?” and the French as helping them. SPIRITUAL WORKHOUSE GRUEL. THE BURIAL OF THE SESSION’S BUSINESS. Tie subjoined advertisement appears to indicate that the principle Nort an Act was passed—nothing came to a vote, of regaling the inmates of workhouses on a coarser kind and a _— As each Bill till next Session was buried ; quantity of food, is extended to their spiritual dietary :— Not e’en SistHorp discharged a random shot ,YMINGTON UNION.—CHAPLAIN.—The Board of Guardians of At the style in which business was hurried. he Lymi Union will, on the 17th Jul APPOINT a CHAPLAIN of , . : the Wertheae taeey £50. Dutles, a ow Cao, witha eenen every Sundep, We burried Supply through at dead of the night, and on Good Friday and Christmas-day, weekly visits to the sick, and generally the To account War’s necessities turning ;

duties of the ofics 0 doGned by Article 211 of tho General Order of the Poor Law Of Hume and of Wr11aMs making light, or as re e hi i t ti ial dd d Py to the Board of Guardians, under cover to the Clerk, on or betore the 18th July. And the candle at both ends burning. Lymington, June 26, 1854. JOSEPH ROBINS, Clerk. Pam’s New Police Bill was laid to rest, The manna thus provided for paupers at £50 a year by the Poor Law _,(Uhe Mayors and Town-Councils got round him) ; Commissioners will, those gentlemen perhaps apet, gee deficient Election abuses we should have rate both s quality and —— = rye sy mast, : - A unable to eke out a living by such means for want of time, he ought to| Tue vacillation exhibited by the Krve or Prussta has been attri- be suffered to go into partnership with a tradesman ; or his wife should | buted to the influence of Cliequot, taken in superabundance, ow his be allowed to set up a chandler’s shop, or take in washing, or conduct | Masesty’s counsels. After all, a Monarch is but a man, and we alb a mangle. | know that too much champagne will make any man unsteady.

on £2 fhe a be OS se et et oO ow eee

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> _ Say t | and march off at upper entrance left, where is a finger-post marked, | For the jest’s sak The IMAGINARY CONVERSATION. PARTIES. Hiss Maseesry tas Emreros Lovrs Napotr FOX. | Hue Hiemyess THz Lowy Prorector Puycu. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 29 The Emperor. What is that German song—“ The French shall never have the Rhine?” The Protector. A song that may need re-setting, if thy troops are not forwarded and helped on their way—followed, too, (for I know French- men will not be preceded) by a Prussian army 80,000 strong. Marry, | there will be no mistake, for I have sent Layamp, the bull-hunter, to signify as much. The Emperor. But the diplomatic negotiations that are going cn— Scenz.—The top of the Boulogne Column. Trwe.—Afler the Revielb of Wednesday, July 12th, W854. The Emperor (who has been watching the troops depart by the Calais road), So, my good friend, are gone. And now let our adored | NicH#o.as look out. Between the Anglo-French fleet and those brave | The Protector, Seems to me that they will scarce continue, as I have recalled all my ambassadors, and as 7 in no foreign letters. Enough of life and of lives has beem lied away by such follies. My | Ultimatum has gone to Devna. The Emperor. In Turkey my orders should be frst hear’. My army | is the larger, my general the higher im rank. fellows, St. Petersburg will be a pleasant locality. | The Protector (eraftily). \t may be that I have not forgotten that, but | The Protector. Will your Majesty permit me to say one word ? The Emperor. My dear Lord Paul yes can never offend me except by your silence. The Protector. The word then, your Majesty, which I would offer inl reply to your observation, is sim ly this. Ban! The Emperor. You are incapable of incivility, my Lord, and you have a meaning, for which I will trouble you. The Protector. | admire the soldiers we have just inspected, your Majesty. I admire your Majesty’s fleet in the Baltic. I meed mot say that I admire our own. all my admiration fails to discern’ any particular danger to the Emrgror or Russia. Nor, permit me tosay Eng our } 30, does y ajesty discern it. The Emperor (after a pause and in a low voice). You are a wonderful mar. The Protector (modestly). I am so, your Majesty. * The Emperor. 1 believe that you have fathomed a thought which I had deemed unfathomable. The Protector, Uf my instinet is indiscreet, your Majesty, I can only regret it. The Bi . There is no cause for regret. On the contrary, I rejoice that there is one mind in Europe to which I can freely open my own. Punch! | am very weary of this humbug war. The Protector. Your Majesty has properly characterized it. The ror. We are p another act of the farce. The stage direction is “ Enter thousand French soldiers, headed by General Baracuay D’Hrurers. They parade round the stage, To the Baltic ew.’ The Protector. And for all the good they will do, they may as well change their dresses behind yonder trees, and return to their vineyards and cornfields. The Emperor. True. Oh that we could convert this sham war into a real one. Oh for one hour of him whose title’ you bear. The Protector. Does your Majesty allude to a certain Chancellor of the University of Oxford, best known as Orrver Cnomwe t. The Emperor, Hm! Were he England, I being France, where were Russia ? The Protector. Slightly erumpled, [ humbly coneeive, your Majesty. e, nnagine me that man, Sire, and speak your mind. . We should need little speaking, then, my friend. A strong man armed nee his house, but take two strong men armed (call them Ouiver UIs), and every man’s house would be theirs to keep. Answer for him, Punch. The Protector (s ). Of a verity, Kuxe or France, there is man’s | work to do, and that nght early. Art ready to put in thy sickle ? The (admiringly.) em, Waiting, Liver. It is| , England who has been or rather her Government, and its head, _ I have gone something suddenly to work. | now certain able scribes who take my o | Frawcis Joszeru, t my Lonp ABERDEEN. The Protector (with agrimemile). Aye. It may have been so. But | , | have swept} y. Aperpeen will hinder no ap. The Government is | rs, and woe to him that! slacketh. Moreover, I have sent two words to Duxpas, touching | yon Sebastopolis. He had best obey them. ; The Emperor. Might 1 are “ Take it.” The Protector. Thou hast it. Again, I have sent the Lorp Pat- MERSTON to Vienna, to deliver a m in which his jaunty soul delighteth. He will lose no syllable on road. He is gone to tell if there be a live Russian in Bucharest after | this month is out, I shall take it upon myself to desire one Kossuta | raise—he has (another grim to expel the Muscovites with the aid a im smile) some fancy that his recruiting would he s y. By which route hast thou sent these soldiers today? Emperor. By Calais. } The Protector. How! Is there no iron road to Konigsberg ? The Emperor. That is in Prussia. The Protector. Nay, friend, we have some smattering of geography. | England had as good schools im 1599 as im 1854. We have some remembrance, too, of the Rhine, and of certain ancient boundaries of France. Dost think the muddle-witted sciolist, Kise Cucqvor, would like to see the map of Enrope reconstructed after ¢hy fashion? of such Hungarians as he can have bidden Ragtaw and Campripeg go forth, instant|y, as pioneers, land clear the we the Marshal of Framee—if hewill give them time, The Emperor. will not. in an hour orders shall depart that the united armies advance upon the enemy. What of Ovessa The Protector. Nicwo.as was 80 before, that I have given him a theme for another Ze Deum. Six ships were detached from the squadron, and re-visited the place. Odessa /ui/. The Emperor. And the Baltic ? The Protector. 1 detest profane and yash swearing; yet it seemed not altogether amiss to remind Naprgr ef a vow he made on leaving . Nevertheless, I imperil no lives out of bravado, and he will await thy men. When they shall have arrived, Cronstadt falls, or we have no fleet in ba ae Mt yxy a work is Ted abl fiery vengeance w tyrant oppressor, not shrink back from it, until it be utterly accomplished. The Emperor. Nor # Oh, indeed spoken for England ! The Protector (smilingly). Tn that case, please your Majesty, would lose the inestimable advantages of enjoying the services RD ABERDEEN, a Statesman whose character, whose experience, whose— The Emperor. \t is now my turn, my friend, to say—“ Ban!” [The word is repeated hy the echoes all along the Linglish Coast. pleased with the little that was done hall | France, Punch, if such words were | How ovr Porrre Corrarrsrton weyt To AFAR THE PaxD PLAT OF | tue Tenrace at SYpEnnam. The Fellow with the Scythe. Nicuoras has ordered a levy en masse throughout Poland. Each landed proprietor is te supply twenty-four men, twelve of whom are to be armed with seythes. Flesh is .” thinks the moralizing Nicuoxas, and Tarks, French, and igh, all the same crop, But there are reports from St. Petersburg that tell of a certain sete, very contemptuous of the order of the Czar; a scythe that cuts very tly, without ever being whetted even against a tomb-stone. The worst of es, that this old es con —, to _— his __ an hen not only carry a scy ut a glass; an hour , whose sand—even at the bidding of the master of sixty millions—is not to be thrown in the eyes of the nations. a

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— =e - i

| closed, King Juntrer opens his PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Y, |: liq WN ‘o NL * = = » —— -* een" “~<Seehebcctal,' * 4 5 o a 1 wii "¢ wer u 1 — Ay LATS ul ~—o_ Commercial Gent, “ Tu1s War, Str, WILL BE A TERRIBLE HINDRANCE 70 ALL KINDS OF Business |" Swell. “ Aw tT ALL KiInps or Business.”

KING JUNIPER’S SUNDAY. Krixc Juniper reigns in his Gin Palace on a Sunday. The Church ce door, and takes down his | palace shutters. Mr. Hume’s motion in the House of Commons is | to give to the Muses the like privileges enjoyed by the alcoholic despot. Shall the Goat-in-Boots spre out quarterns, half-quarterns of gin ; an shall Painting sit with bolted doors in her National Gallery? Shall the Cock-and-Bottle crow responsively to the jocund cry for another pot, and shall the British Museum be only visited by the British Museum flea? All Ma. Hume asks is “asmall thing ;” as the Bishops said when, ——7~— they —— to the conservators of ancient sculpture—a very small thing. He only asks of the Government fair play between public-houses and places of public instruction: he would merely place the keepers of objects of fine arts and belles lettres on a level with waiters and tapsters. If Bulls, Red and Black and White, be open after church-hours,—why should not Mr. Layarn’s bulls be made public? Bulls, 2o¢to be taken with beer and tobacco? This is Ma. Hvume’s question, and the question is variously replied to. Mr. Epwarp Baryes has written a letter—long and clear as stream of pump-water—on the intention of throwing open the Crystal Palace to its own proprietors on Sundays. Every man’s house is his castle, is the British boast, whether the castle be of flint or of flint-glass. But Mr. Batyes apprehends in this movement only “the thin end of the wedge.” Let proprietary enter on a Sunday, and very pee pate would follow. And what then? Why then, declares Mr. Barnes, would commence a rivalry between the Church and the Crystal Palace. He says, “ { apprehend it does not admit of the slightest doubt, that the more pleasure-places you open, the more pleasure-takers there wi be.” Nevertheless, political economy that, with grave looks, dogmatises omg demand regulating supply, might object to the absolute verity of this. “ Use the palace legitimately,” says Mr. Bares, “and the most influential persons will””—do what ?—“load it with their com- mendations!” Let Six Joseru Paxton take a long, sweet sleep with that thought ; his sleep made delicious by dreams of mfluential persons loading his structure—(it wild bear them ; being built for all sorts of descending blessings )—with commendations. e roof stood up under the snows of last winter, and will doubtless support any load cf praise ! But, should the Palace be opened after Church hours, what will be the inevitable result? Why, our “influential persons will regard its crystal attractions as the fascinations of the woman who every charm but virtue.” The Crystal Palace will, in fact, be only another

Crystal Venus! “ They [our influentials) will warn others against it,

Dessay! D’LIGHTED TO HEAR IT—A ALWAYS HAD THE GWEATEST AVERSION | of f |

THE CZAR’S CONFUSION. Coxrouxp my men for being beaten, And by contagious fever eaten, Invincible because they ’re not, And proof against disease and shot. eee ee, And whereupon they couldn’t count. Confound, and blow, and and drat A set of bases and nincompoops ! Gry ith md For leaning to the coalition Against my Majesty’s ambition. Confound the peoples, whose opinion Crosses my project inion ; Confound the sovereigns who allow it To have its way, or cannot cow it. Each upon either throne who sits Confound alike; both Franz and Fritz: Whose gratitude, and whose devotion, I built on with so fond a notion. ] Confound the world, confound the weather,

In short, confound it altogether, Since I must own the hope ill-grounded That I should “never be confounded.”

WESTION FOR THE CaNtne Fancy.—As | dog to draw a badger ? raught are now illegal, will it be lawful rad

and for themselves, they will—never enter it again!” Having arrived at this conviction, Mr. Baryes must fluential ole refusing their shi will pron po with a crash, and lings, in due time the whole structure who Mr. Epwarp Barvyes is a Lord of Leeds; one o will pick up the pieces ? domineering and exclusive than real peers. The Lords of the Ledger are, now and then, prone to be quite as imperious at least as the Lords of the Red Book. Now, who are these influential persons, in whose favour or disfavour the Crystal Palace must stand or fall? Is it the Duxe or Devitspust? The Marquis or SuHoppy? Ean. Sprypies? Baron Cortontwist? All peers with letters patent, the letters being £. s. d.? Is it these high and mighty units, or the thousands, by tens and twenty of the wninfecntial, laying down each man his influential twelvepence, who shall support their own brilliant structure—their own Crystal Palace, price one shilling? Really, we think the people need not be pawed by patronage. e people can see, and judge, and act for themselves. Influence may, in its neglected importance, put on its nightcap and go to sleep ; the people can take care of themselves. - The Crystal Palace Company,” says Mx. Epwarp Barves, “like another great invading potentate, will have to beat a retreat with stained laurels.” Laurels blackened from the ink-horn of the influen- tial Mr. Epwarp Baryes; but the ink is of the most harmless sort; there is in it neither gall nor vi to fix its blackness: it will wash off and leave no stain behind. In the meanwhile, according to the Lord of Leeds, we are to look i - Str Josera Paxton as only another sort of PaxtonorrsKy leading a horde of Cossacks against ill the morality and piety of England, the aforesaid Cossacks remaining for a while disguised in an overcoat of plaster of Paris ; and—to the unsophisticated eyes of the Bench of Bishops— as the APOLLO Betveperg, the Indian Baccuvs, ANtTrvovs, and so forth. In the meanwhile, the gates of the Crystal Palace are closed the whole of the Sabbath; and in the meanwhile the Marquis of Granby’s Head is open after church hours; and the pewter is crowned with a crown of fot h, and pungently strong the odour of shag in the bowers of the Crace Tea-Gardens. Name and Thing. Ir appears that Mr. I. Butt could not be satisfied with bemg Burr by name. The stir which he made about Count Pau en in the House of Commons indicates a.desire to prove himself a Burr by nature. ; believe the structure doomed ; after a short time, a Crystal oo given up to owls and satyrs. In- j the Barons of d Broadcloth, who—let the truth be said—are at times a little more

Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 3, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, and Frederick ¥ ullett Evans, of No. 27, Victoria Street, in the Parish of St. Margaret and St. John, Westminster, in the County of Middlesex, Printers, at their Office in Lombard Screet, in the Precinct of Waitetriass, in the City of London, and Published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street in the Parish of St. Bride, the City of Lendon.—Sarvapar, July 22, 1554. both ia

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™ Fw 7° ll ee ee a i) ee ee ee ee ee. | ~~ & wwe ee OP ee Frwy Ww we ! PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 31 “ Fort of Arab Tabia. Thursday. , and continue my account of our siege. | | . Duan = resume my 1 uname MS. with drawings, which you will please to have | copied by proper persons at home. The one I have hastily dashed off . this represents myself just now {with a little incident that I give you my I was so tired after twenty-three | eee in the saddle, or in the trenches, that I did not care to remove the but let it blaze away at - eisure. It only killed nineteen men. I thought a few pict of myself might please the girls at home ; — vill tebe care artist you employ makes me hand- | ame 4 enough , or if I survive this siege, wo be to him on my return vidlay After dispatching that little business with the officers, I pointed a non-commissioned officers to the vacant posts: reserving the place of Major for fy! faithful friend, G * * *. Some dis- turbance may Haoe pe Pays on account of the appointments, the Pasha in command tho tae naturally ung to have the patronage. If he breaks all Sage e Baas scoundrels, I shall not be a whit put out of temper. per, when I am pleased, is often very fine. ted P Y acfunct’ Bimbashi’s quarters, and selected out of Be s such things as suited me. The late villain appears to have | had an a) for plunder: I have the less remorse in having sup- m. I found im his rooms thirteen very handsome suits of a es —— but 1 a patterns. Selected for every day wear a pink w trowsers, and a shawl round my fez: for | Sees a light blue pete nea ditto ditto, Shulwars striped white and pea-green morocco boots with’ silver spurs; and another ooniie ieee dress for change—the rest I distributed among my men. | Besides the clothes I found, among the villain’s effects— “ A desk, marked Mr. J. T. Jones, containing £2000 of circular notes of Coutts’, payable to Jonn Tuomas Jones, Esq., with the circular letter containing Mr. Jouw Tuomas Jowes’s signature. I warn Ma. J.’s family that they can have the desk back again, containing— “ Two quires of Bath post paper, “ Eighteen letters, one containing a lock of hair, and signed your ever ever faithful Awwa Marra. “ Jones’s journal and fifteen of ee. = bills (it appears he kept his accounts with much re - ~ x of CockLz’s compow: ‘Antibilions Pills, of which I own ‘> hase given six one evening to pa of my, Captains, Crummy I, who was indisposed, and “ The cireular letter containing Jones's signature. The notes, I am sorry to say, have been taken by some one, and were cashed by Messrs. Nerueteceretes & Co., of Pera, upon a rather clumsy forgery of Jongs’s signature. “In the poor Major’s kit 1 farther found— » A Lees of srerencented yi pistols, and a yataghan, with a case of Biba I first thonght, covered with turquoises. If the late Se Sep rep > mae be. empeet, robbed wpe ded this m= | thinking it was gold, the ¥ villain was griev for I could only get the Villain was qrieronsly dinpposnted, it at Adrianople. “Proceeding in my perquisitions I discovered— “A worsted stocking, a Russia lerther Pocket-book with 3673 paper roubles of and a bag of 996 silver IMPORTANT FROM THE SEAT OF WAR! JOURNAL OF THE SIEGE OF SILISTRIA. BY OUR OWN BASHI-BOZOUK. roubles, chiefly of the ro +~— DER’S —- Y vhich —1 mean the pape roubl ~The’ to the Guamabns’« of Silistria. silver I t there to retain : and make no doubt drel I had just exterminated had been in league with the _ Also I found “ A portmanteau, leather,’ con- taining two dozen shirts, marked J.T. J 7 —- collars and hiefs with tie bs Sis on alee of brown Windsor soap “And a silver-mounted depeting mee—rather marked 3 J weber mar a ram t t eke Wesr, in St James's | Street, | “But how the dence can I tell to whom a port- manteau belongs marked only ‘ Warranted Solid Leather?’ Of course @ la guerre, it in & Le guerre. | 1 found the linen el most —_. and the stock- ings and slippers very pleasant for a change, when | me in wet and be pS ow ied the trenches. That eae certainly had somebody, and was a lawless zane, whose life was rightly sacrificed to is cupidity Saturday. Paraded my regiment, and gave them fourteen hours under arms. Had to chastise seven or eight of them, showing them qwe je ee ae aiga Confiseated a goose and a lamb, which our villain wie ¢ out nt of the bazaar, and sent the gibiets back to the family. On this day we received information in that a Russian corps was advancing out of the Dobrudscha upon Rassova. Monday. My quarters are pretty good in the house eof the Greek ay PotrruLesseos. His wife Boéris must have been -looking his daughter RuopopactTyos is extremely so. Sate wi them, and drank ee, whilst the old gentleman was at church. Sang ‘ Vio fears to of Ninety-Eight ?’ and ‘ The Shan Van Voght’ to the ladies, who were affected to tears. iit {| } Wa) i (\! " aif li wi | | aM lt | Hit i “ After I had done singing, & Pemth little Ruopopactrios took the instrument, and improvised ive ballad respecting the late events with my regiment, shoe “ Mivw bede, cd, * seyatiiuov MvAAvyavoio,” | og -! modesty oP ty translating, “7 really —— ys the comp iments paid to the courage, perso appearance, &c., ol a certain Colonel of Bashi-Bozouks. 9 “ They need some Cyprus wine, and we had an excellent pilaf, over =. old ae eerie us on return from chapel. we had We bn se for platen Si wee lined on th tage ot bread w sch we fad wased for : and I left the old monster actually picking crumbs off the table-c Tuesday. Annoyed all night ty the old Papa’s snoring. Finding he VOL, XXVII, ih phe

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32 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

has a very comfortable bed, ordered it to my room. Went out with my | for fear of alarming the timid little flu‘tering affectionate creature !— Bozouks to the bridge of Routschouk, where we found the advanced | Mem. Mas. Potyriiesscos begins to looks very sulky at me. uard of the enemy. Charged them nine times, but were beaten back “2. Provisions are growing rather scarce in my quarters, and old y the Russians, with a loss of thirty-nine of ours killed, and seventy- | Potyrataswaos begins to grumble. This evening for supper, I até the eight wounded. All things considered, however, my men behaved very | bread and the pilaff too. My appetite is excellent. Mrs. P. and my well. Raopopactr1os a good deal agitated, and her mother, Booris | little Ruopopactysos would only touch a little morsel. Young Porwta, delighted at my return. The old Papa seemingly not very | Srrxtpion Potymetis, whom I have appointed Lieutenant vice Bor- glad to see me. | BorYGMos, who ram away disgracefully last night, has been useful in “16. A strong eannonade from the islands of the Danuhe. The | these latter days carrying my messages to or from the Commander of enemy’s advanced guard at Adikoi. A skirmish with the Bashi-Bozouks, | the place. In the sally we made last night, Srmmpsom rode back very who retired towards Arab Tabia. The rain fell very heavily from after -naturedly into the enemy’s column for my umbrella; it was the twelve o'clock. The macintosh I took from the youne officer of the old priests, and not having drawn my sword, I had been constrained to | Lobeki Hussars of great use and comfort. Poor fellow! He too very | use it in order to poke out a Cossack Colonel’s eye who was making likely had been in England! The cloak is marked Piccadilly! Such is life. | himself very officious in front. . 18 The enemy who has been establishing batteries upon the islands| “Mem. | am growing rather wieh im cash. Besides 39 piastres | and the left bamk opened his ere this <4 mag © — oe night. | which I brought with me, I have, PoLyPHiespmos, in great perturbation, took up his residence in the | = | cellar, where I did not cade the old chap talline himself with | agpnnation of handsome clothes as above, value say £80. | Cc wine. His comme the Papa Doticoscutos called—as he was * 969 silver roubles. talking his head knocked off by cannon-ball—- broke china in corner-| _ ;, £2000, which came to me by the laws of war. ; cupboard; his hand still holding his beard, which was uncommonly A gold snuff-box with the portrait of the Burrron set in fine, the other his large umbrella. nds, and the order of the Saracen’s Head of the second “19. The enemy opened his trenches at about two English miles of class in brilliants also, sent by his Imperial Majesty to Mason our linee—his towards Arab Tabia, his right on the Danube. | Genenat Baron Siapsers, whom I ‘slew in the second Slept as sound as a roach on the old Papa’s mattrass, though the | ccm attack on the 22nd. ' Russians never ceased firing from sunset until the morning of the 20th, | Twelve silver-gilt candlesticks, and a couple of statues, of an when his first parallel was completed. The enemy’s chasscurs, trying | ecclesiastical pattern, I confess: and some gold-lace vestments to establish themselves on the height o ite Arab Tabia, the Bashi. of which the old Papa Potyrniesp@os has mademe a ent | Bosouks and Albanians drove thing Little finger carried very er out of his church, He may have a off by a Mimié ball. Gallant conduct of Kanagooz Bee, killed esitation, but / have none, in taking possession o' the bullion a Rassian Colonel, and put on his boots in the face of the enemy. | i tt toni in the Cathedral of these Ics. . Poor poor little Ruopopactyios! Sadly put.out by accident to my A hi Porte & picture —— oy and a a arm ~ litt r.—Two Circassian prisoners announce an attack for to-nigh which Srraipron was instrumental m procuring for me from ae Sere ee up in consequence. - ir ‘| the abbot of the Armenian Convent hard-by. I shall value “20. The enemy’s guns are uncommonly well served. Every one of these at even more than the bazaar price, as they were the their balls hit. Twenty-four pound shot knocked letter I was reading means of saving the Reverend man’s life : indeed, I should have out of my hand: and plumped into the bosom of Hoxm-Aca, Com- hanged him had he not given them up. mandant’s Aide-de-eamp. Had order in his pocket—from a certain | bag of loose diamonds, emeralds, and a silver soup-ladle of high quarter—to shoot me, and reward of 1,000,000 sequins to bring English manufacture giveu to me with the grateful tear of a my head to Constantinople. Did not tell poor little RropopactyLos Jewish family. “ Basul-Bozoux.”

a8 jon the table of the House any correspondence that might have passed A GOVERNMENT COUP DE THEATRE. | between the popular tenor ry uestion and the Government. i : . | Caprars Batperpasn would ask whether the mili en in a P AmaGarn in the Moni‘ew" | fchting on the side of Austria in William Toll, Gadd tacts dite etemieed it» tebe the | emplo; ed at the seat of war, and whether they ought not to be imme- — ‘a Government | “ately ordered out on active service. affair sndto add the “4 The Honovrasie Artuur Tworenxy would not wish to embarrass mor Taasiee to |the Government, but he would merely ask the Home Secretary — ols ane Minis- whether some arrangement could not be made as to the bones of ad- a ior. Such an | ™8sion to the Opera, so that the bones of the aristocracy might not be t id not be | W2Plessantly minvled with the bones of the general public, and indeed yy in England: but if | whether they could not be admitted at separate entrances. it were, we have no doubt! Such are a few of the questions which might be asked, and as the our present Home Se-| time of the House is already sufficiently occupied about unimportant cretary, Loup PaLMeRston, | matters, we should be sorry to see the number increased by adding the would make elf as much | management of the Opera to the duties of the Government. at home in the wings of the | acne ery A life " Gate tray = oO wn \ He ke Faye CIRCUIT GAMBOLS. = polities, would find no great (From our Legal Reporter. . pce ba . 4 to _ “ Several members of the Bar went to mate to at a Cricket Match to-day.” behind . " 7 : of @ —— ag the Western Circuit Report, Times, July 19th. be I entered an appearance, and I gazed with sage abstraction, At the joinder of the issue—at each flannel chose en action : nent. I heard writ of summons, and I saw a wicket fall, In selecting his instruments a Minister, like a selecting his; As a proof of actual ouster in ejectment by a ball : orchestra, will find many wishing to play first fiddle, who are scarcely! As with twisters or with rippers, each in turn was then nonsuit, fit to beat a drum, and many who, though they might be useful ifthey| Each granted to himself a rude his notebes fo compute : would act in concert, are so fond of harping on one string, as to be| As the cricketing coparzeners to the scorers’ tent did stroll, rejudicial to the harmony that is desired. It would occasionally! But few there found an entry of satisfaction on the roll : _ to some rather absurd questions%m the House of Commons, if the; When a writ of execution fierce was sued out—mid his pain, Opera should be mace a — ment of the Governnent. The following| The fielder only heard the plea of son assault demesne ; are a few specimens of the kind of inquiries to which the Operatic! One in rover shapes his action for the ball, where long grass lingers, Minister would probably be subjected :-— | While another makes an effort for a jas, with his fingers : At last a Stet Processus is granted to the play, The Howovrnasts Avecustus Spooner, seeing the Ricut How. | Secretary ror tHe Home Derantwent in his place, would ask And e long cocount is stated of the tent costs of tho deg. whether there was any truth in the rumour that the indisposition of a _ popular tenor, who did not sing on the Ascot Cup day, thoagh adver-| Prorziety or Pexwy-a-trytye.—Nicnonas, the greatest criminal tised to do so, was in any way connected with the race in question, and | in Europe, may now, with a correctness that is quite delightful, be whether he, the Howe Secretary, would have any objection to lay | styled ‘ The Unfortunate Gentleman.”

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rrr _—P ee! a a ee ee, i wwe "| ren

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 33

tl | Gazette for a brief period. | no dout peaks de troct, cos all de wurruld nos dat de Merrican editars hate lies

TEMPERANCE TRIP TO BERLIN. on ~ / UR legislature has enacted, or = : y was to have enacted, or is in course of enacting, a law to vent any such expeditions or the future as that made by the Quaker peacemakers to St. Petersburg. No statute, however, can prevent British subjects from visiting any proper to intrude, on an errand not ostensibly politieal Now there is a subj

rT ieges have 8 —_— - to ent the sale of intoxicating liquors at the Crystal Palace. [If these well-meaning individuals could prevent the consamp- ar ¢ " iii in Roe Palace of Saws Sovct, they = achieve a victory which wo y to a very speedy termination 0 war. Among the many fearful effects of drunkenness, some of the most frequent and well-known are irresolution, vacillation, want of firmness, indecision of eha- racter. The mind of the sot loses its equilibrium, wavers, oscillates, and shakes similarly with his hand. , p< That decent reserve, and respectful reticence which this periodical always observes in making any allusion to the frailties of illustrious personages, would be inconsistent with any remarks more explicit than the above on the very delicate subject which they distantly relate to. But if the teetotallers would send a deputation to Berlin, to see Frepenick Wittram, and point out to him the deplorable consequences attendant on excess of champagne, and induce his Majesty to take the pledge, there can be no doubt that the result would be an attitude, on his part, of steadiness in opposition to the schemes of Russia, much more consistent with his royal dignity than his present course of tottering backwards and forwards. And if the Sunde of temperance were to undertake this enterprise, they would, since the war is a great hindrance to trade, be minding their own busi- ness, which is what they are net doing by trying to interfere with the arrangements for public refreshment at Sydenham.

A VANE AMBITION. _ We have all heard of a tempest in a tea-pot, but something very like a tempest

in a chimney-pot has occurred, and has fluttered in the leaves of the London 2 br We read the other day in that much-quoted but rather | dull periodical, the important announcement, that the Queen has graciously permitted a certain Lorgp Jonny or Tom or Harry and his brother “to use the| name of Vave in addition to that of Temrgst.” We congratulate the Tempests on having obtained a sort of object for their energies, inasmuch as a Vane is likely to afford as much play to a Tempest as a weathercock would to a whirlwind.

Worthy the Attention of the British Femaie. “Mr. Eprrur, “Habin red in de Times :n extrac from an Merriean paper, which I hab as dey do swearin and bad spellin, dat de Knglishwomen are bery fond of de Merrican coloured ger lm-n, I want you to hab de goodness to put de following wriisement in your r, gratis, for me, and ib I get a nobleman’s darter, or some rich lady, you shall be invited to de weddin :— WANTED, A WIFE, BY A REAL MERRICAN COLOURED MAN. He is bery much like de uncoloured article; bery smail in de nape ob de neck; narrow in de shoulders: tin in de legs, but bery much sole; bery sharp nose, and bery little eye, libs bery fast

A PLEASANT CABMAN., How pleasing ’tis to hear a Cabman tell ‘ *, In speech of coarse redundance pruned, Not only talking decently, but well, His tongue to mild forbearing accents tuned, At Worship Street as lately it befel : — nicest <a that ever swooned ing o’erpowerd by strong expressions, mi Have listened to Jonw Wittiams with chee. Jonx WritraMs is the owner of a cab Ur cabs, for subdolous acumen famed, of what is sometimes called the gab, “ Cabmen’s Ai General” thence nicknamed At « ponies Deae Crushers he ’s a dab ; Though Wutsams would be quite That terms, ot so far Should ever the palings of his teeth. Summoned he was by P. C. Staxpex, G., 4 . inp vin to Capphiaioed coe Fis catalogue of fares, the sight denying ; The ofier may choca; T quite rely = wr ten gy =, of defence is Against them both ; am charged with not Producing badge, whereas no badge I’ve got. “T am the owner of the carriage merely, _ That I’m the driver there ’s no proof to show ; Cabowners to have badges no law, clearly, Com least of no such law I know. That of one charge disposes, pretty nearly, I think ; the second is, that I, when so Required, did not produce the book of fares. Now that I answer thus: the Act declares “ Distinctly that the driver shal] be bound, Not the proprietor, upon yo His book to show, demanded on ground, Either of hiring, or intent to hire His vehicle ; but its —~ found, 2 The right that book’s a to require Upon no other terms. 1 must, with deference, Unto the Act request your worship’s reference. “Then will you see tis so. Now I, the express Interrogation to the constable, Pat, as himself will readily confess, Did he intend to hire the vehicle ? Distinetly he did not, to that. address He answered ; therefore, with assurance full, To you, Sir, do I, most respectfully, Submit the Act was not infringed by me.” ba h fant o_o , Mr. — yam ad ma he ’s plea, so aye an ite ; And after having to the referred, Pronounced the mild defendant in the right ; Who left the Court without a vulgar word, (Nor did he wink his eye, nor “ take a sight,” But only shook his head and smiled) surrounded By friends who scarce contained their giee unbounded.

ss Hemp to its best Use. Trost who think that it is better to teach people not and will very soon die. He will goto market himseifand keep all de money. Chews and drinks ®/to commit crime than to hang them for committing De ietics wit een lit, will probably fimdeneoumngement in » fact, of which will please address Munuicay Sampo, 85, Fleet Street. N.B. Peaks troo de nose. for age" vA de letters dat come for me hab de goodness to keep till ‘I call, m. used pa paper-manufacturers have been reminded by the present scarcity of rags, namely, that whatever can for the making of rope, can be used for the making of per.

1 arr A 7

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Ro __ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. First Languid Party, “ Dow’ you rmvp Sza Arm veRY sTRENGTHENING, Jack? ” Second Ditto Ditto, “On, vewr! I coutp tHrow Stones ix tHe Water aut Dar!” | tickets, and offering to fight the station master for the THREATEN THE THREATENER. Prortz who travel b various stations, formi le notices of this “ CAUTION. ‘Jou» Srvens was, on the 11th $= last, fined Forty Shillings, for writing with his anene window of a railway carriage, that the train was ‘ disgusting slow.’ ” “CAUTION. “Tixway Waneraaw and Micuaet Sqvorr were, on the 9th June, committed to Lampton gos! for a fortnight, for riding in —— with third class “ CAUTION. e HApARKUK Bow.ixe was, on the 13th of Feburary, sentenced to imprisonment for having insisted upon 4s in one of this company’s carriages.” Now we have nating inst this mode of gibbeting offenders. Mr. Srvupss and a ther - vtfal criminals were, of course, punished ain a. sake of example, and vy ublicity that can be given to an le, the more eicecions it is likely to be. So we are content that 1 they be thus hung in railway chains. But there is such a thing as fair p’ m. my isa ded in the Latin Delectus, “The traveller is not i to pay aga aoe ——~— J always killed by the t but sometimes the thief b We might adapt this, and remark that the traveller —_ - injure the railway-man, but sometimes the railway-man age ures t jarive and jud See hate traveller. We may venture to say said so before us. And therefore we should deem it quite fair, not only in Messrs, Srusss, Wasstaaw, Squort, or Bow ine, but in any other railway traveller, to hold out, in his turn, warning and caution to the railwa Company and officials. How station masters or Directors who a ‘pom to be on the line, would stare to see ‘affixed to all the the passengers inscriptions to this effect :— railroad cannot = ph failed to observe, at’) slaughter, occasioned by an engive “CAUTION. 4 Easterly Junction Railway Company was sent to gaol for three months for man- breaking down from neglect.” “ CAUTION. “ At this moment the Railway Company on whose line we are travelling is, by compulsion of law, paying an po he of £50, to the family of Samuzi Sritcu, tailor, who was destroyed by an accident caused by the avarice of the shareholders, the negligence of the and the wanton carelessness of the officials.” We recommend the Office that Assures Travellers against Accidents to insist upon every assurer wearing upon his hat one of t during a parney. Tt might tend to aniniah the chance of his having a claim against that office. CHASTISEMENT IN THE ARMY. ALtHoveH we should like to see the Cat di we do not desire that flogging should be altogether abolished im the army. In some regiments it appears that the junior officers are in the habit of bullying their comrades after the manner practised blackguard boys at a public school. ow he Ss themselves like juvenile blackguards we would have them punished as such blackguards are wont to be. Let them be chastised, more puerorwm. Do away with the Cat, indeed, in the Army, but institute the Rod, and keep it in pickle for young lieu- tenants who are in the habit of beating, and pinching, and “ pulling about” their brother officers. The Czar’s Rubbish. From Jassy a Correspondent of the Morning Post thus writes :— “ The number of the wounded (Russians) on the day of the 7th only, may be imagined from the fact, that 450 carts laden with them have arrived here.” “ CAUTION. “This Railway Company was sentenced by the Court of fe Raat on tho tnd June last, te psy Puixzgas Awpensow the sum of one hundred pounds, for Pd - yp LAI — 0 ee cee not keeping a sufficient num of | to provide against accidents.” Pleasant news for Nicnoxas this, one might think. But what are a | Sea Runes ond fifty cart-loads of his wounded soldiers a fo Bo Caan? Of course he looks upon Be eneie comy do comgenen rubbish that | may be carted anywhere—and sho . QuGeere,.seeeste® asso oes..

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THE HOLIDAY LETTER. | Royal Mistress (writes), “IN THE CASE OF MASTERS ABERDEEN AND RUSSELL, I REGRET TO SAY THAT THE MOST EXTREME IDLENESS HAS CHARACTERISED THE WHOLE HALF-YEAR.” 1] ———— _ - — ~ eee — OSS = —— ag st - 4 eomeovratsw 2s, eos }

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 37

PUNCH’S HANDBOOKS TO THE CRYSTAL PALACE. THE MEDLEVAL COURT. EDIZVAL, a word signifying middle- 7 aged, has given rise to much dis- cussion, and in- deed the middle )) age of art seems to be almost as much wrapped in obseurity as the middle age im y/ —, ieee for the Gothic would be tempered by our fear | the ies and we should in smashing = largest a put ourselves literally to the pues , with no other p end than the station . We cum go the length of those who object to all decoration except the Gothic, and who insist on the non- concealment of “ hinges, bolts, and nails,” as if something besides the door is sup to hang on the hinge, and as if t y way to hit the right nail on the head is to leave the head visible. * The Seven Lamps of Architecture, page 109. the title of Black | apa of | workmanship from France, — which may be noticed a copy of | m the south door of the Cathedral of | are cast in a mould, or wrought with the hammer ; |

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“DOGS AND MONKEYS!” Is the present dearth of histrionic talent, it is very refreshing to find not one actor only, but a whole company whom one can praise, without doing violence to one’s feelings as a man and one’s principles as a theatrical critic. It is at all times very hard work to find out the merits of Mx. Caantes Keay, to abstain from saying uncivil things of Ma. G. V. Brooxg, or to keep down a protest against the blatant emphasis of Ma. Anpgersoy. The “heavy lightness” of some of our most elaborate comedy “gents,” is only less oppressive than the “serious vanity” of most of our performers in the leading business. It is melancholy to have no relief from the rags and tatters of the last French vaudeville, cruelly overdone into English at the Lyceum, betier than three acts of stale horror from the Boulevard du Temple, dished up afresh with additional pepper, at the Princess’s. In short, where- ever I go, I find all French, but the acting. I am sorry to say that even M. Déstrats’s admirable troupe of dogs and monkeys at Cremorne is “from the French.” But as the actors don’t talk, and confine themselves to a number of “ rapid acts,” instead of one slow play, this is the less felt. M. Déstaats’s troupe is what would be called at Astley’s a double company—one quadruped, the other quadrumenous. Among the former there are no less than three low-comedy poodles, whose grotesque dancing distances FLexmore; and a light comedy spaniel, whose grace and lightness might be usefully studied by our actors in the same line, while the heavy-business is efficiently sup rted bya black retriever, whose gravity reminded me of Dippear. the monkey- performers are rather gymnastic than tic artists. But the “ Star-riders,” and “Cherokee Chiefs,” and “ British Tars,” and “ Bounding Brothers,” and “ Italian Brothers,” and “ German Brothers,” and “Olympian Brothers,” and the “ Sylphs of the Circle,” and “ Gems ot the Arena,” and “ Dashing Ecuyéres,” of “ the Turkish Pavilion” (or, im plain English, the male and female horse- riders in the Cremorne Cireus) are quite outstripped by their monkey rivals in M. Déstrats’s employment. In the first place, the scene of the performance of the latter is wilder and more exciting. Instead of the everlasting ring, spread with sawdust, it represents a rocky pass in Kaffreland; and we are re- minded of the bow-legged Bushman, or the wild Zalu, while witnessing

in an agony of nervousness) on two poodles, or the characteristic per- a of a simious Eaton Stowe, on the barebacked pointer of the Prairies. In the next place, there is no clown in M. Déstrrats’s Company. Now, much as we respect the institution of clown to the ring in the abstract, we are compelled to pronounce your a ag Shakespearian Jesters, and your Grotesques of the Circle, generally, insufferable bores and nuisances. The — old clown has been replaced by a being full of stupid forwardness and gross oo but with none of that delightful imbecility and incurable want of respect for the Master of the Ring, which belongs to the ideal clown—the clown of our childhood—the Panurge in motley of Pantagruel in a laced jacket and enamelled boots, whose mild wisdom he imposes upon, and whose whip-lash he evades so wonderfully—that emblem of shrewd wit, under the mask of folly. mocking pretentiousness in high places, and always getting the best of it. | M. Desrrats’s monkey-riders stick to their work, and clearly | don’t care a dump for the audience. There is no grmning bow, no conceited attitudinising on the part of the gentlemen monkeys—no ogling and posture-making at the audience on the part of the ladies. The ring is clearly a serious business with them. Not that nature does not occasionally peep out, as when the Courier of St Petersburg, forgetting that he is a courier, suddenly feels that he is a monkey, and instead of bowing to the public at the end of his performance, springs up the side scenes and gibbers and shows his teeth, and climbs, like the youth in Loneretiow’s “ Excelsior,” higher and higher still, till he singes his tail in the gas-border—a warning to prefer him to the original. He gives himself no wild Indian airs, indulges in no humbug about his adventures in the prairies, but is simply an agile bane Be in paint and fringed leggings, wantin by the aid of a strong pummel on and off an animal, with a back made

face like a reduced elderly refugee, is the Apminasie CricuTon | of the troupe, all accomplished both m arts and arms. He plays the cymbals, executes a solo on the violin, is not above performing such menial offices as swee t , goes through the manual exercise, the boldest thing that has been done during the whole campaign. If and concludes by | and firing his musket in a state of abject Lonp Anenpzrn feared to defy Russia, he does not fear to defy | terror, which makes the perfection of his drilling more remarkable. England. i difficulties, and has the most various feats, and the 38 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. the rapid act of the Courier of St. Petersburg (with a tail protruding | the ambitious. As for M. Desrmais’s Eaton Stowz, we decidedly ———— tenacious by a coat of rosin. But a small black monkey, with a AszRDEEN, and | his seorn for the violent manner in which The animal has clearly pursued knowledge under the greatest indistinct ideas of the meaning of his, of the whole proceedings of | which he forms a feature. But how many artists do you and I know | ) ' who are just as ignorant? How few do we know who are half as Ballarat give a guinea apiece for Bartaway’s Pills! Another tre- diligent or as unpretending? If he is now and then distracted by a: mendous proof that gold has no bowels.

stray nut, what actor can resist a bit of fat, or an opportunity of “ gag ?” If he does occasionally bolt off the stage and conceal himself in the flies, he is much more easily t than Mr Sous Reeves; and, besides, he never skulks under shelter of a medical certificate, or insults the public under pretence of making an apology. I had the pleasure, after the performance, of an introduction to the company. I found them affable and good-tempered, and quite free from that craving for strong flattery which I have generaily remarked among bipeds of the same profession. M. Détsrrais describes them as easy to manage—on the whole—but, with them, as with their human brothers and sisters, firmness is aqgeeeary. if you give way to them at all they become insubordinate. His rule is never to feed them till after their performance—but then they are not liable to half salaries or “no treasury.” Immediately after acting and supping, they are consigtied to small boxes and shut up in the dark till wanted again. I could not help wishing that some actors and actresses of my acquaintance could be subjected to a similar seclusion when not acting. M. Désrrais, like other managers, finds the ladies most di Fcult to deal with—and when they do bite, he remarks that they do it with a peculiar viciousness. He is now training a couple of novices to the rformance of “/a Perche,”’ and had even attempted to break-in a — black monkey and his two young ones to a drawing-room enter- tainment 4 /a Riser. But the parental instincts of the animal revolted at the idea of making footballs of his own flesh and blood—thus showing the inferiority of the monkey to the man, in whom such preju- dices have never been found to stand in the way of the amusement of the public. Now that the Eart ory Wicxtow’s dog-cart bill is likely to throw so many industrious animals out of employment, why should not British philanthropy secure them a subsistence in the theatrical pro- fession? Let the friends of the dog combine, buy up the lease of the Opera House from Mr. Lumuey, engage M. Désrrais as their acting manager, and get up a Canine Company—or Dog Dramatic Establishment.

At the meeting of the .- of Ministers the other day, Mr. Brient deciared that “he had great confidence m Lorp the noble Earl had been assailed in reference to Russia and the War.” Mx. Bricut’s own views upon these subjects pretty well known, the calling such a witness to Lonp ABERDEEN’S c’ is

Quack, Quack at the Antipodes. A .errer in the 7imes from Australia informs us that the Miners of

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> ” n, fy Our tongue and brain ; In both our natural humour must restore. Without !—some wine there ho! Pc s look upon as a Posh’l. Marnivrner’s sh’ only true shysht’m of PRUSSIA’S VACILLATION EXPLAINED. theology. True sheology’s sha bashish of evshing—wshecks and (18 A SCENE FROM THE UNFINISHED DRAMA OF GENTLEMAN.) Scune—Sans Souci. The Royal Study. evshing elsh! (Drinks), THE RUSSIAN 2nd Coun. What course then doth your Majesty elect ? Clicg. Lemmy turnitover immymind, Famous doctorhewas! Doctor Maryturuer. Sing’s DocMARNLUTHER’s song. Lst and 2nd Coun, What song, an’t like your ious Majesty ? Exter Kiso Crscqvot oad Two Councrzors following. Clicqg. Song DocMann LuTHER used to sing. You know— Clieq. We are fatigued, discussion’s drought hath dried sing. Draught, Drought’s antidote, Clieq. Ay ; but zshish was a cap’l song. Tsh! whatamem’ry I have, Enter Pace with Champagne. lst Coun. Hey presto !~faith, ail. Right promptly served. 2nd Coun. The butler hath, I wot, } aside To make no lengthy voyage to the cellar. Clicq. Sit, gentlemen, (jills a tumbler) and do as we st and 2nd Coun, Pull many a goodly song, puissant liege, Did Doctor Martin Luraer use to si be sure! “Who lovesh not wine.” Thash ish! (drinks). “ Who loves not wine” (trying to sing, breaks down), No—I can’t shing! I’ve qui’ lost myveiee— quilostmyvoice—talkinsmuch "bout this confound Fast’n quest’n. Shall soon have no voice atall left, Pm very tired—essessively tired—(drinks)—zhent!’m’n helpyaselves an’ dowmineme (nods). lst and 2nd Coun. But, Sire, your answer'to the Western Powers. | And Austria P — Clieq. Talkaboutthattomorra ! Sire, [Falls asleep, Counct.ions raise their hands, turn up their eyes, We humbly thank your Majesty. (Phey help themselves, and shrug their shoulders ; amd the Souxv closes. Clicq. eace | a aint 1st and 2nd Coun. , peace! [iiey drink the toast, mM ke eee 1O YOUNG MEN ABOUT SO ENTER THE ARMY. |Drinks.| & yoanc gentleman, desirous of seommission in the gallant Light Peashooters, his anxious before coming down with the moncy, Clieg 8 — [Slaps him om the shoulder. put to his ambitious son the Father, Aud so, Fenny, you wish tobewselilier? | Make common eause, and lead the Intellect, Henry. Sach, my beloved parent, is your ardent prayer. | The Selene, outils Batis, and the Art Jette ‘The discipline is very sharp, my dear boy, you have against the barbarism @ temper. Rnd beweek foree- of savage Muscovy. Henry. Aware of that infirmity, honoured Six, B I trust, entered | Clieg. Why that’s well said—that ’s well and bravely said— { Drinks,/wpon a self-examination, followed by a that, if 1 err Retemay wale and very properly said, wt onee restrained and strengthened me, There is the Physical and Psychical . Very good. Can you obey the orders: of superior ? | And there is Russia—that ’s one element — Henry. Unhesitatingly. | And Prussia—that ’s another clement— Rather, Say, you were an ensign; and in aw hour of social converse | Antagonistic forces. | Drinks,| over cards, your a infliet upon you a name l— Qnd Coun. Pardon, Sire : — mention. How would you receive it ? But is it not of Nature found the law | That force should with opposing force combine ? | Acid with alkali; and oxygen Or chlorine with a metal: positive enry. Whatever the name might be, with becoming humility. Father: Say that, on your manifested desire to discontinue play, | your superior officer should collar you, and drag you about? What | would you do ? With negative in electricity ? Henry. With the fullest sense of the vital | ity of discipline, I Clicq. That’s true o’ the other hand—that’ s also true— should mildly and respectfully remonstrate with him. | Acid with alkali makes a neutral salt, Father. Nery good. We will suppose that your superior officer is, | And that suggests a neutral policy. |in his superiority, deaf to remonstrance. We will even suppose him Sides, talk o’ chemical affinity, [ Drinks, superior—much superior—in station and in strength ; and with a proud | Ree’lect that Nic’Las ish my bruz-in-law | sense of such superiority, we will su that—there is a candlestick | _ let Coun. Yet let your Majesty this trath perpend, upon the table—that your superior o punches you in the face ’ Light doth the shades of darkness chase away ; Then champion Fatherland’s enlightenment | Against the advance of Russia’s night. T will! ? | I'll be.sha champions of our | Russia shall not eclipsh sha Human Mind | Dashifsheshall ! "give in m ‘adhesion to sh’ allies, I And Prussia | march in she van o’ Eu- | -pban shivilishash’n. Y 2nd Coun. Then, Sire, — your st relative, our Maj ty resolves to — a Clicq. w sword against my bruz-in-law ! Coun. Against Your Majesty’s near kinsman, and besides, | olution, evi reing loyal order Enforcing | pe know, he shaysh I am laut, Imubit felt mp bresiche— ro eee: Coun. And fighting him your For Manomet against the Christian “No, I won't. Clicq. Manomer is the false t, and I won | women. I am a Chrish’n—and I hope to be shaved. [| won't take Manomer’s ae om ( Drinks.) lst Coun. But Russia, as ~_—ccaa The Greek corrupt religion doth Net the cunfessinn i Martin Luruer. Clieq. Why, that alters sha caseagain (Drinks). 1 would fight 8 hat would you take— ‘ ; rr, The candlestick, if nothing else, and immediately knock hii wn. Father. Your sentiments, my dear boy, do you honour as a man ; but they would lead you to inevitable disgrace and ruin in the army. — must therefore give up the thoughtsof # Commission in the Light eashooters. —— se Rational Remonstrance. * ( Drinks. Let peaceful Bricut in speech delight | That charms the Cotton crew : Let Cospen ratber trade than fight, For ’tis his business to : But when our Premier, duped before, ” Still trusts to Russian li Such weakness but depute dou Bou, And makes his monkey rise. Not a Serious Man. Cries,| A cexTiemas calling himself Exwest Fitz Ror has boon, Peering away in the Morning Post as “ Hon. Sec.” of the Belgravian “ Chora ce Committees.” Fitz Roy may be authentic enough—but Eawest? Oh nonsense! Frrz Roy is only joking. "t fight for Ma- Nicholas and the Peacemongers. Certain people almost as insane as himself, — to think the Czar or Russia is desirous of . For ourselves, however, we confess we see but little hope of his burying the hatchet, while he so Maawworuen [' vigorously continues to throw it.

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a of | FG Ae if Ip Upp a ‘ il ~Sese j Mv ih : 2 lly Py QUITE A NOVELTY. Amiahle Experimentalist. “Makes a peviciovs Sipe Dist, porsy’r rt? Bur ir 1s Not THE ComMoN MUSHROOM; IT’S A LARGE 40 _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Funeus, CALLED THE AGanicus Procervs. It GROWS SOLITARY IN HEDGE ROWS, IS CALLED CoLUBRINUS, FROM THE SNAKE-LIKE | MAKEINGS ON ITS STEM. Tue PILevs 18 COVERED WITH SCALES, WHICH ARE FORMED BY THE BREAKING-UP OF THE MUD-COLOURED EPIDERMIS, AND (General panic takes place. NO MATES FOR THE VULTURE. Tuene sits a Vulture, gaunt and grim, When ’neath Anan’s gallows-tree, Double-headed, golden-crowned, Proud the martyr’s death to die, Foul of scent and lean of limb, Stood the Magyar chivalry— Keen for carrion, peering round The hideous bird was waiting nigh, With eyes, albeit seeming dim That sweep a vast horizon’s bound. When a sickening nation reels ‘To the death, this vulture ’s there, Ever narrowing, as he wheels, His circuit, in the tainted air, Till an instinct sure reveais Safest time the prey to tear. Never—for the Lion’s pride And the Eagle’s is the same ; Carrion neither will abide, Stooping but to living game— Victors, they would be defied, Or the victory brings not fame. So round Brescia’s shattered wall, Sullen swept this bird obscene, Sniffing through the sulphurous pall, Reek of blood, with relish keen ; Waiting on the prey to fall When beforehand death had been. So beside the lone lagune, Where beleaguered Venice stood, Through the long siege, late and soon, Hovered still this bird of blood, Till to death, in mortal swoon, Sunk the Lady of the Flood. Hence, then, craven carrion-bird— To the gibbets and the graves ! With thy kindred vultures herd— Russ and Prussian—fools and knaves : Be one freeman’s strength preferred, To the strength of million slaves ! ' him to violate his father’s Will. - THE SMUGGLER OF HAMPSTEAD | HEATH. Everynopy is asking what could have | induced the Lords to pass Sta Tuomas | M ARYON Wrtson’s “ Finchley Road Build- sm uggling has been committed, whilst the people’s Preventive Service were asleep or intoxicated. Incase it has originate in the Peers and has yet to get through the Lower House, let this be a notice to the St. Srepnen’s Coast-Guard to be on the look-out for the contraband article, so as to frustrate the machinations of the Hamp- stead Witt Warcu, as we may call Witsox ; who has so long and so perti- naciously been watching his opportunity of getting an Act of Parliament to enable Until Death should leave him free — ing Act,” which is so framed as to enable him > To rend the flesh and scoop the eye. ult imately * enclose mg ot , anda There is no knowing, unless it was fellow- wey ed eh hy wo yee feeling with the donkeys, whom their Lord- With this bird alliance hold aie pay wees SS eee Ss t In the work they have to do over-ridden on that hitherto common x Though each head be crowned with gold, property. it And each claw be sceptred too ? If this Bill has passed the House of I Commons, it is evident that a gross act of | Class Book for eee The Sovereign of Potsdam. Suortty will be published—with aupenete illustrations afforded b Tae Krxe or Prussia is pursuing courses which may cost him various clergymen and ladies—a new child’s book for the use of Bel- | crown. In this country at any rate they would render i ace ee ee eo 2 ee ee . -_— gravian youth, entitled, Puseyism in Fun made Popery in Earnest, fined five shillings. . him Vy ted oy Wem Brady, of No. we Cover Debs Pipe. ip tie Dusted of O.. Penens, ont Petes ullett Pvans, af No. 27, Victoria Street, in the Parish of St. Margaret and St. John, Westminster, both yx ae Span ot Rs ~ Wy - +} gehen in Lombard Street, in the Precinct ef W hitefriars, in the City of London, and Pub’ ished by them at No. &, Parish of t uy @ Leadon. aTUBRat

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-_—_—_— | | 41 PUNCH, OR IMPORTANT FROM THE SEAT OF WAR! JOURNAL OF THE SIEGE OF SILISTRIA. BY OUR OWN BASHI-BOZOUK. “ Fort of Arab Tabia, June 25. “Dear Sin,—Some jealous scoundrels, (I suspect the envious malignity of a couple of English Officers, who making themselves very officious here) have been complain- ing of the plundering — of my Bashi-Bozouks. In an angry interview with H. E. Mussa Pasua __. this morning, I repelled the aecusa- ‘ tion with scorn, and challenged both the English Officers for the , honour of our corps.—N.B. The Turks do not understand the prac- tice of civilised European gentle- men: and Mussa Pasna said ‘ Sup Captain B. shoots you, will t rove you did not take the Jew Merchant’s silver soup- ladle and diamonds?—Go and shoot as many Russians as you Pp Muuticoow Feri! but et us hear of no more plundering.’ I]t is in vain to expect in . educated men the refinement of gentlemen with a long line of ancestry. ~ w ‘ue tno 4 ) re and delicate feeli } : The enemy made three attacks this evening on Arab Tabia. As | brought in a prisoner, though very much mutilated, Mason GeneRaL Count SwicGamorr who led the last attack, His Excettency Mussa to compliment me, said he would send my name to .in-Chief for decoration, and look over the affair of the making a deuce of a disturbance. , ie The affair last night was very hot. My arm this morning is black and blue from lifting iron. The Russians had actually entered the redoubt and cut down may expect a great attack in a day or two. MarsHal PasKIEWITSCH was in s a rage, as to kick the General at the head of the column. : “927. Three tremendous attacks upon Arab Tabia took place to-| The first, under the ee ¢ Gasmes, ._ Lutz of | the Alexander Regiment, was very nearly doing for us. They came on in spite of the fire of our ty t- drums beating, their officers in| the front waving their hats and cursing and swearing in the most | frightful manner. The Russians actually clambered through the | yOr- | | embrasures and over the guns. Count Sivutz, a very stout man, in jack boots, was | and there [ confess | rammed up in an embrasure against a Paixhan gun, | him. After his death the survivors of | the attacking column fell back in much disorder. This must have been | at 10°35 by the late Count’s ete. : “ At 11°22, p.m., the gallant foe returned in still greater force ; they | did not fire a shot until they were close upon us, and I heard a voice | | calling out—‘ Three hundred thousand silver roubles and the Order of Sarnt Anwez, second class, for the man who brings in MuLiLicanorr| dead or alive!’ I thought I knew the voice. ‘Ha, my boy!’ I roared | out from the bastion. ‘Ha, Turrsktx, my boy! How did you like the bastinado at the Hétel d’Europe?’ Indeed it was poor Turrskus, who had arrived only that morning at the army. He will never suffer | the cat-of-vine-tails more. It was the fortune of war, and now he is | men were ki no more I ean do justice toa gallant enemy. I gave his earrings to little RuopopactY1os, on my return to my quarters after _ “Tue Turap Arrack, which was the most severe of all. By this time ammunition had been luckily brought to us in the fort, and as the enemy came up we received him with a fire so murderous, that 452 ne eee den teen , by the first discharge. We gave ma e time were up to our guns rus | out on the pd column, my gallant Bashi-Bozouks drove the. storming party back three miles their own entrenchments and into the ube, where, such was thei ggg em of my fellows were actually drowned with the Russians. [ marked and seized an old officer who had been making himself particularly con- spicuous, and having broken my sword was pummeling him most severely with the handle about the face and ribs, when he eried out in very good French, ‘ Tenez, Mutiicanorr! Je me rends. Je suis le Marécuan Parsce Pasxit’ ... but I heard no more, for a shot entered my shoulder and down I dropped. Provoking. “ | had to walk home five miles with a bullet in my shoulder ; and) | did not reach my quarters till 7 o’clock, am. What a seream of delight littke Ruopopactrios gave at beholding me. They were eating a piece of horse for breakfast ; for provisions are getting searce. THE LONDON CHARIVARI. our artillerymen at their guns, when the | Bashi-Bozouks luckily arriving gave a different turn to affairs. We) My prisoner says that | pink I took my share of the chivalric meal ; and then had the conical ball | extracted, which had given me much anao Prisoners who came | |im this day, the 28th, announced that wee Pasxrewitscn had | received some severe contusions the night befcre, and that Proce | | GortscHakorr had resumed the command of the siege. | “30. Had some fever from my wound. The fire of the enemy was /s0 hot that no less than twenty-nine cannon balls and four shells fell into my room, which burst there, and filled the place with smoke. I | could not move, as the surgeon me to stir, even taking away my pantaloons, so as to mee the possibility of my quitting my apartment. In the intervals of the firing my ¢ Ruopopacty1os | was so attentive and kind to ¢he poor wounded Bashi- , that my jheart melted towards the on om I offered her my hand, on | condition, of course, that she w separate from the Greek schism, }and the blushing young creature gave me her own rosy fingers in reply. | “ July 1. The siege is raised. The Russians are in full retreat, my | Bashi-Bozouks after them. 1 am so weak that I cannot move from my img my character to |hed. Cowards and detractors have been blacken | Samar Pasa, who has now the command of Silistria, and I am « prisoner. 1 who saved Silistria! “2. Raopopactyios was allowed to come in to me with a little calves’ foot jelly, which she had been mak I told the dear girl | where I secreted my property ; viz. ina hole under the pumpkin | bed in the garden of the house where poor old Potyrniuesn«os dis- ‘covered me investing some of my on the 23rd. I was in the hole, spade im hand, digging, and t saved my life; for a round shot took off PoLypHiesBaos’s just over me: and the poor man thus paid for his curiosity, _ | “4, Anniversary of American niente. I rallied this day. | The om was taken off yesterday, I received my order of Nisham | from the English officer here, who says my conduct is overlooked—! | think it is overlooked indeed !—in of my gallantry. The house being empty, I went down to garden, where I kept my | things. RaopopactryLos! O woman, faithless woman! Would you | believe it ? I only found the desk and papers marked J. 'T. Jones; every | other single item of my property has been taken awey, except a boot-jack, jan old coat, and a pair of very old trowsers, I was told by the clerk of the Greek Chapel, that Raopopactyios and Spraipion were married yesterday morning, and that left Silistria the same after- noon for Bulgaria, in an aroba very heavily laden. Sprrarpion was in a lisse, red-striped trowsers, and pea-green boots. Ruopopacty1os the clerk said, blazed in diamonds: and unless you the bill have drawn upon you through Mzssas. Onnitnes of this city, | am actually a penniless “ Basut-Bozoux !” TREASURE-TROVE FOR A CABMAN. We should much like to know what answer has been received to the subjoined advertisement :— ‘O CABMEN.--If the Cabman who took up a Clergyman and his Wife in the New Road on Sunday evening last, and drove them w the Iuverness Road, Bayswater, will return the Biste aad Puaren Bove left in the cab, he shall be well rewarded. | The question which occurs to most of us, on reading the above, is | whether any existing Cabman would know a Bible and a Prayer Book if he saw them, as the chances would be much against his ever having looked into either in his life. Perhaps, however, the effect of the fore- going advertisement has been to elicit a circumstance which may form the basis of an affecting story. Possibly the volumes have been returned by a Cabman who never returned any property that he found in his vehicle before; but who, accidentally opening them, and perusing a — of their contents, was thereby to abandon the error of 1is ways ; eschew gin and beer in excess, and extortion, insolence and bad language altogether, becoming civil, honest, and sober. WHAT IS BRIBERY ? HonovraBte Members seem to be in a state of much uncertainty as to what is or is not bribery, under the new Bill, and some curious cases have been put, which are inly rather puzzling. Mr. Bakes thinks it ought not to be considered bri to “refresh” a voter, and the le member evidently thinks the franchise might be safely “wetted” with an occasional pot of beer, lest the voter should . Considering that the freedom of elec- ia bocpuaens in.prins Se. teat tapes cautious in putting t € Candidates. Many an es neglect a merely dry privi tion has often been swam we think the legislature s —or rather the tap—into the hands of } M.P. who has been su to t a borough, has in fact ted so many hogs: of half-and-half, and there are some, who, instead of entering the House as members for such and such a place, should have taken their seats for so many pints of double X. VOL. XXVII. r

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42 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. IMPROVEMENT IN IRISH AFFAIRS. ' “Woo !—WILL any JINTLEMAN BE 80 ENGAGIN AS TO THREAD ON THE TAIL OF ME REGISTHERED Patirtor?” SEVEN CASES FOR THE POLICE. Tue knaves who pretend to read the stars for the fools are, it seems, not extinet, although a good many of them have involuntarily exchanged their mock observations of the revolations of the planets for real acquaintance with those of the treadmill. Mr. Pusch has been favoured with an assortment of cards and other invitations of some of the scamps, and he perceives, with regret, that the police are not so vigorously prea in extirpating the breed as they might be. No fewer than seven of such documents lie—in every sense — before him. One impudent vagabond, who calls himself an Astral Professor, excels in /nglish composition. His afiehe runs thus :-— “ The Stars do teach as well as shine. “Narrvrrres Catcunatep axp Hoaany Questions AyawerEp, whereby persons are warned of impending danger or encouraged to pursuite which promise suc ess relating to Love, Marriage, Business or Pleasure, Sickness or Mealth, &c. &c., solved by Astronomical Caleulations on the trne principles of the venerable setence of Astro- logy. Terme, for Nativities, 6s. according to length, &c. Horary Questions, trom ls. Planeta Transits, showing their operating influences for the current year, 5s, “ Diseases cured by Herba, under the influence of the Planets which rule them, being the «afest remedy, as minerals, &e have taken away millions of our fellow-creatures ! '! Advice aud Mode of Diet, 2s. 6a.” It is hardly probable that anybody who is idiot enough to think of consulting the Professor, is likely to read Punch, therefore the latter merely exhibits these evidences of folly for the compassionate smile of those possessed of common sense. Else it might not be amiss to insist upon attention being paid to the Professor's wretched gib- berish. He professes to answer questions “whereby persons are warned ”"—warned by their own questions. And his clients are | encouraged to “ pursuits which promise success relating to sickness.” Surely one of these must be the pursu-t of an emetic, an article which perhaps the quack sells, in addition to his “herbs, under the influence of the planets which ral: them.” We should like to know something about this veretable astronomy, and how the fellow found out that Mercury and Venus have no better business than the minding kitchen- gardens. ‘here is one herh, however, which we should very mach like to administer to the Professor himself—the herb our old friend Ranezcars calls Pantegruelion. Not, we need hardly say, in the digni- fied form of a halter, but in nine doses, simultaneously administered every morning for a week, at the “ fortunate hour” when the planet Mastrix, or the Flogger, enters the House of Correction, in conjunction with Felis, or the Cat. Ano'her impostor heads his card “Astrology,” and in some dirty den, whose ohecuvity requires a whole string of directions, (No. 3, Stench Street, Foul Street, Mack Lane, Whitechapel), “ Anewers all Questions relative to the Affairs of Homan Life, as Marriages, Sea Voyages, lone or short Journeys, lost or hidden Treasure, &c. Nativitnes Cast. Letters Post-paid.” A third spells so charmingly that his card must be reproduced /i/e- ratim, name and address excepted :-— “ Paowoooeric Aereoxomy—Ma.* * * * Continnes with great sneceas to anewer Questions opon Buisness, or any other undertakings of importance.—N.B. Bread Guard Manufacturer The “ pronogostic” astronomer has so much to do that he has no time to mind his spelling. His “ bread guard” was beyond our eomprehension, but, luckily, collating him with the next quack, we got a clue to the mystery. Here is the fourth :-— “W.* © * * Beokseller and Stationer, Dealer in Almamacke, Astrological Books, and Pphemeri«s, Questions answered on Life or Health, Kemovala, Marriages, a-ent Friends, Busines«, Legacies, and any kind of chance sprentation whatscever. Nativiti-s calculated, &e. raid Gu+rd mannfsctores, Umbrellas made and repaired. Terms moderate. Letters must coutain « Stamp.” This gentleman not only reads the skies, but makes machines for protect ing you against their influences. We faney the grea: astronomer ing hus rounds, “ Hany new planets to consult? Hany old um- ellas to mend ?” And it seems that “ braid guard” is the article in | which the pronogostie and the umbrella man alse deal—we believe it is | the material of whieh watch-suards are made, articles which anybody | venturing mto the astrological den is very likely to need. : Next comes a more pretentious party. He dates from the city over whose Cathedral the ancient Nicnotas is said net to look with a \ebeerful countenance, though the sight of the wretched foily, whose existence is implied im such an advertisement, might comfort the First Whig. He—we mean the quack—has the presumption ; misapplied motto from honest Exinv Borerre, for the whieh we should like nothing better than to see that honest blacksmith take him in gripe for a couple of minutes—probably he will whem we tell him to what he is sponsor. “Me * * * * Mathematical Projector of Zodiacal Planispheres, and Professor of Genetbliaral, Horary, Mundane, and Med:eal Astrology, may be consulted on aii important subjec's referring to human destiny. All questions are scicntificslly answered, aceo ding to the position and configuration of the planetary orbs. on Life, Heaith, Love, Warriage, Peenniary «ffairs, Si -kness, and the probable duration of Viteliry. Intelligence of Ships at Ses, and the condition of absent friends, with im- portant advice on Kemovals and Emigration, so essentially required in ali adventures and specula ive en'erprise Judieial remarks on the nativities of Children, invaluable | to parents, dexeribing the temperament, propensities, and d@isposition,—the most benef: ial porwoite in life they may he qualified to follow, if destined to arrive at maturity, * * ean alxo state the periods when the body will be predi«pened te sick- ness, acciden's, &c. In order to insure positive remarks on Nasivities, it is necessary to forward a notice of the correct time and plac- of birth. eo * heng the only Professer in the Midland Counties who holds a Diploma from the Britist Scientific Asseciation, and whose experience in the Celestial sci-nee over forty years, smareurs and others may with confidence rely upon obtaining genuine lnstructious, and important revelations.” For impudence and nonsense this preeious announcement heats most things of the kind. However, we will leave the gentleman to the enraged blacksmith, assuring the friend, that if stalwart Exinvu does see these lines, a period when an Astrologer’s “ bedy will be predis- posed to an acerdent,” wili not be very far off. ; No. 6 on our list is more humble. He only goes in for “Proesostic AsTaowomy, and begs to inform his Friends and the Public in general, he still continues t give adviee to those Ladies aad Gentlemen who may favour him with their time of Birth. Natevities calculated on Math tical Principles — N.B. Please to observe the Name on the door.” He is as polite as a hungry dodger should be—favour him_with your time of birth, and please observe the name onthe door. He is scarce worth notice. But we have reserved the c'imax as a 4onac bouche. Here is a production of real note. It purports to he a pre- diction of the fortune of a young lady of exalted rank, whose illustrious position exposes her to the impertinence of such creatures as those who issue the following handbill. They date fiom St. Luke's, so are probably on a visit to some of their dupes. The lady is one of the Princesses, of whom a firm of impostors cackles thus :-— “ At the given time of the Royal Native’s birth, the sign Pisces arose, giving the benevolent Pianet Venus as ber ruling star. We eo-msider b-r nativity as fortunate, and whe will live in great esteem, and be much respected in society. The Moon ia Seorpto makes her cheerful, agreeable, p'easant, just, and kind; of goed temper and dixpesition, fond of music, painting, poetry, singing, dancing, reading, also gives « partiality for changes and witnessing many strange and cur ous scenes, cenera'ly a favorite and mach adwired by Gentlemen. In all kinds of pleasures, love affairs, parties, &c. the Roy«l N«tive will find her own sex tobe her enemies, emi they will deevive her often. She will travel and see many different have many removals and changes of residen-e. (f marriage, her husband will be above the middie st«ture, goed looking, of fair complexion, dark hair, a sharp, acute, and active man, «f a | pleasant, jocular, and flexible dixposition, a free and generous spirit, and in general very munch respected and beloved. We jadge the Royal Princess will marry about the age of 22 years and 4 mouths.” And for rubbish and vulgarity of this kind, persons are actually found to pay. ‘this is the sort of trash, by vending which Rarwaezs and Zapkreis, and Urre:s, and other angelie gentlemen (who would bably consider a street pi kpecket a dishonest man) get their iving. Comment upon such delirious jargon would be almost as | absurd as the thing itself. Truly, people have something to learn, even in this age of enlighten- | ment, and if Evangelicals and Tractarians were not so very busy battering ove another in riding-houses upon questions of chants and shirts, we would ak them to consider whether edmeation be not a thing for which there is still some little room. However, we must wait until it is settled whether “ Amen” should be said or sung.

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SUNDAY FOR THE SUPERIOR CLASSES. E attended a Meeting yes- fy terday held at the Cat and | Fiddie, the large tap. of | which public house was! densely crowded by per- sons chiefly cf the lower orders. ‘lhe objected this} eoncourse was to reeipro- cate the kind attention and solicitude ef the perior Chases im endea- vouring to enferee the observance of the ) on the naulti ; public houses, / the doors of | principal at‘ ention to that of others. It was unani- mously agreed that such disinterestedmess ought to spirit; and — was adopted for the presentation of a petition to Parliament demanding elosure of all chub-houses on Sunday, and the exclusion, to be earried into effeet by the | Pe of the novility and geatry from their own parks and gardens, on the day) rest. | The petition further required the prohibition of hot dinners on that festival, and) Pall other superfluous dressing; namely, the excessive decoration of the | person, in which the better orders, so called. are too prone to indulge. Much stress} was laid on the painful fact that carriages, belouging to the aristocracy, were to be seen on Sunday standing at church doors, im the charge of domestics, | bedizened in ostentatious liveries, and having their hair plastered and powdered ; | operations involving an amount of work wholly unnecessary. All| present appeared | to feel that one good turn deserves another; and that the grand principle to be | observed, in spiritual as well as in temporal matters, is to consult the good of | | Our neighbour rather than our own. The facility attending this metbod of prac- | | tising piety was particularly insisted on. The utmost harmony of sentiment | pervaded the assembly, and it appeared to be actuated by the best possible spirit. | =e AN ARISTOCRATIC AVALANCHE. | Tue — gave the other day a fearful account of the falling of an avalanche (in the shape of a pane of glass from a skylight) at the “reception” of | | the Magcuiosuss or Westminster. This result of the negligence of the glazier seems to have caused as much consternation as a casualty from a glacier, among: | the assembled visitors, none of whom, however, were smothered by the dééris, though Ma. Aveusrus Lomier was unfortunately under the skybght when the, pane ‘tumbled. The affair spread such dismay among the aristocratic growp, whose nerves — to huve been frightfully shattered by the breaking of the window, that, “Sex Micasee Saaw Srewaat and other gentlemen, weut in instant search of medical assistance!” The doctors’ night-bells in the neighbourhood seem to have been rumg by Sen Micwazt and his frightened followers with sueh effect, that “several surgeons” were soon on the spot, and Ma. Luwuey’s face havi been instantly pieced in “ several” professional hands, was found to have sustained @ scratch, or to use the technical ~ ow the Post, an “ myary of ——- nature.” We are rather surprised at the non-issue of a series of tallstineto y the anxiety of that part of the public whiety may be supposed to take an interest in Ma. LoMtey’s countenance. ing like the following might have been satisfactory. 1 o Clock sa. —The scratch has measured ; it exceeds one ineh, in length. _ 20’Ciock.—A consuttation has taken place among the “several” surgeons, who jointly and severally recommend court-plaister. ; | 5 Minutes past 2.—Court-plaster has been applied, and gave its adhesion with rapidity. 4 Past 2.—Mr. Lomuzr has passed a quiet half-hour, and is better. 3 0 Clock. —The “ several” surgeons have had another consultat.on, and propose to “exhibit” eet skin should the state of the scratch be satisfactory. | 4 patient has just submitted to the operatin of removing the eourt- | plaister, which was performed by one of the surgeons im the presence of the “several” others, se promptly called in by Sm Mucuace Saaw Srewamr and the other gentlemen who ran for assistance. 4 o'Clock.—The epidermis has united under the gold-beater’s skin, and the t PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ‘patient being prorounced convalescent. by the “ several” surgeons, who have held another cousultation, o0 further bulletin will be issued. BETWEEN BULL AND BEAR. A peace of vultures,—black and foul both— On a guide-post | saw perching : » Now back to now by jowl, both, ' To right and alternate lurching. Two names that guide-post’s arms display so ‘That every one who runs may read ‘ein ; As one to shows the » 50 ‘The other points the road to Bicedem, Never from more unpleasant weather Suifty and sly for shelter eoweriag, Sat two obseener birds A a@sky more “Why spread you not your the mg storm bursts o'er you ? avandanpelibendite befozeyou ?” And then T looked and saw the reason, Why these ’cute vultures kept their perches ; In spite of the inclement season And their uneasy mutual lurches ; Barring the road to Freedom, tumbled . The —~ y- See Ursa ma topping the path to Slavery, grumbled The British Bull—that tough old stager ! Then, h the Vultures, “ Fain on Freedom We'd turn our backs, and hold with Bruin : Bat. if the Ball should toss and bleed him, To side with him might be our ruin. Bat if from Slavery—cice versd— We turn and trust the Bult’s alliance, Should Taurus be upset by Ursa, Where should we be, if once we fly hence ? “ So, clearly, ‘tis our safest , Sir, bile eoth io tore hie eens To sit as long as e’er we can, Sir, At this poiut where the road diverges. We th’nk the Bull is fuol enough, Sir, To stay, till we have made our minds up; For though the animal looks Sir— Without a fight what odds he winds up? “ For our own , our wish is strong, Sir, oneal et the better : As carrion-provider, long, Sir, Rach of us owns himself his debtor. But. as, if either floor the other, We vultures ly shall suffer, Our game is still war’s fire to smother, And aet between them as a buffer. “Only you go away and leave us To hun the Bull a little ; Say what we lke, he’ll still believe us, And every hour the Bear gets stronger. While the Bull stays on our excuses— Of course we sprak him very fair, Sir— His time and fightmg pluck he loses. In point of fact torgets the Bear, Sir. 5 pees Bo Reus become Till in his boat, we vultures pull, Sir— Oar game is still to tide things over— To act with Bear, and talk with Ball, Sir. But if the Bull sidd fight—and flies off From Protoeol ano Ultimatam, At worst ‘tis but to fling disguise off, And help our friend the Bear to bait him!”

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html ee ee 44 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL —— - | THE PROTECTOR OF THE PRINCIPALITIES. AV Vey Tue following announcement, according to a contem- —- ae porary, has been made by the Czar: \# WA wit y “ To all official documents published in the Principalities in which the | as ass i name of the Eurzzon Nrcwo.as occurs, the words Protector of the | Principalities must be added.” \ Wut! THE M ill | Our own correspondent informs us that Nicworas has Bil ti | ORIGINAL Bais | vouchsafed to explain the nature of his Protectorate if the avs | PENNY hing | proclamation subjoined : * Inhabitants of the Danubian Principalities—In the pro- | Cc E | secution of my mighty scheme of universal empire, I have | thought proper to begin by taking you under my protection, that protection which I purpose extending to all the nations of the earth. I shall protect you from the evils arising from excess of food, by sending soldiers among you to destroy those crops | with which your ground is encumbered, and whereof the | harvest inposes so heavy a task upon you. My armies shall protect your so from the tyranny | exercised by Avarice over most persons who have great | possessions, by relieving you of most of your money and | goods, and nearly everything you possess. They shal! pro- | tect your bodies from cold by the conflagrations okich | they will kindle in retreating (that is feigning to retreat) | before the heathen enemy. My soldiers of the Cross, combating against the enemies | of Christianity for the orthodox faith, shall protect your | | wives, your daughters, your sisters, from yourselves. “Non confundar in eternum.” NICHOLAS. Wooden Bullets and Wooden Walls. A Corresronpent of the Daily News says that a great part of the walls of the fortress of Cronstadt are “merely wood painted to look like granite.” If it is only a fight then between walls, surely ours ought to win the day; more . especially, when we know that Russian bullets are also PROGRESS OF CIVILISATION. made of wood,—to match, we suppose, their walls. How much longer (may we ask Lonp AsgRpDEEN) are the Ramoneur (on Donkey). “Frrca us ovr aNotHer Pen’vorta 0’ Strawsurey Ice, | “ Wooden Walls” of Old England to be thus mocked by wita 4 Dottor or Lemon Water uy I-.” | the “ Wooden Walls of Russia.” | >. ca | | Crystal Palace? Wait for the first high wind, and you will have a AS CLEAR AS CRYSTAL! | Corstal oan t was very provoking—but who, in the name of novelty, could have Yes, Mr. Laryo—as clear and unwrinkled, quite—your open, spark-| foreseen it? The Crystal Innovation did not tumble in—neither was ling account of the ledger condition of the Crystal Palace, as made | it blown out: but, its purpose accomplished, was soberly taken to and delivered to Crystal Shareholders in particular, and to the | pieces, bit by bit, and there it is, or nearly all of it, shming and glisten- world in general. The Gaesuam Grasshopper might have been beard | ing the Crystal Crown of Sydenham Hill. Nevertheless, the thing by the fine, monetary ear, to give a blithe chirp at debtor and creditor | will sof do. It is too far from the resort of civilised men. London account ; and the spirit of Cxoaker—a spirit that, it is its function, | will never undertake such a long, tedious, time-consuming pilgrimage. pervades all thin Kor a time—been heard to squeak like a rat in a trap | Had it been built up again on Battersea flat, there might have been at the manifest, declared prosperity of the Crystal Glory that, like unto just a forlorn hope of its suecess. But Sydenham Hill! As well pitch prismatic soap-bubble, was to shine awhile, and then, bubble-like, | the building on Salisbury Plain. This time Croaxker is really com- break and vanish. Nevertheless, Croaker is a serviceable agent,| forted. There was a chance for the folly of 1851—but what can be though a spirit “least erect.” Old as the bills, and in defiance of a hoped for the Insanity of 1854? Nevertheless, Sr Joszrn Paxton thousand rebuffs, Croaken is still as active and vigorous, as when he | is not only at large; but is to be seen everywhere going about—and took an invisible place in the Ark, and declared the world’s vessel in no | sometimes in half-a-dozen places at once—without a keeper. way seaworthy; but—the thing had been so hastily built ; the wood | And now, Mz. Lave delivers his Meg gs mn aceount of the was so green, and the piteh of the most crude and irretentive quality | directors’ stewardship ; and Croaxer bites his thumb, disgusted and —but that world’s ship must founder, go irrevocably to the .| disappointed! Peo le —but then they are all i tens and She was too long in the back, too narrow in the beam, and go she must ! | twenties of thousands, betake themselves to the Crystal. ; and It proved otherwise. And then Croaken—what was the spirit’s| what is more, going once, they must go twice; gomg twice, they are name in the days before the Deluge we know not, but our haphazard compelled to go three times; going thrice, it becomes in them a fixed, rendering of it is Croakezr the familiar—leaving the Ark, with the determined idea to go as often as life and its duties will permit them. coming things, groaned at the miry earth; foretelling the utter| A mad world, my masters—cries Croaker, whom here we leave— annihilation of corn-seed, vine-stocks, lentils. whole world was a| “ Mad world, and Crystal Bedlam !” world of mud ; and—hapless race of man !—there was nought left forthe| Mr. Laue, having disposed of his bright array of figures—for the kind, but to stick im it. Nevertheless, Croaker, in due season, ate| accounts were clear as the fabric whereof they were the numeral best wheaten bread, drank delicious wine, and comforted his still-| representatives—did not attempt to disguise from the perilled share- doubting stomach with mess of savoury pottage. holders the fact of an alarming a. The Crystal Palace of And from the flood downwards, Croaker has been men | Sydenham was to be opposed by a Crystal Bear-Garden at Walworth ! chuckling at unborn disaster, and rubbing his thin, dry Rentbes coca | teetotaliers, all wormwood at the thoughts of the bitter beer that never comes! In that year of human presumption, 1851, was not | tap in the Crystal Palace, had resolved to purchase—nay, had Croaker ever present in Hyde Park, hugging himself, as the Crystal | the Zoological Gardens, and were determined to let Palas peeo— Sagas with the t t of its certain destruc-| lions on of Sydenham! Alligators were already on thei tion? The wind would enter the Palace, a very high, tall wind would} passage to strengthen the crocodile interest, and a live ! some day enter that huge mountain of brittleness, and—like the effect | secured, who would, of course, pegs pane | There i sanded, rum-addieted at —s i E of a hurricane entering an umbrella~—like an umbrella, it would be is moreover an the turned inside out! Croaxen’s thin blood warmed, and his sharp,| Gardens at the present hour—it is sai mach given to alcoholic fasi pointed ears were pricked with the future music of the warning crash! nations, (for evidence of which, see his red ) being ready at any

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THE GIANT AND THE DWARF. Gient, “WELL DONE, MY LITTLE MAN! YOU’VE DRUBBED THE RUSSIANS AT SILISTRIA—NOW GO AND TAKE SEBASTOPOL.” Avcust 5, 1354.) [Puycu, No. 682.

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Ee ~eees — a _— ell —— - al Li) ef fa 4 ws fr. a a |

—_—- —e . —<— oe: ee - Ome = a as =, . —_ frees “ - ~s = EE —

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time to consume his half-pound of brown sugar, duly diluted with half- a-pint of old Jamaica rum. This mandril will be subjected to the earnest discipline of Mz. Goucu, and will, it is expected, very soon take water like a duck. [t might be supposed that the teetotallers ongh! to content them- selves with these manifestations of their own purity, withvut insisting upon throwing cold water upon everybody and everywhere else. But it is not so. The Crystal Company—such was the terrible accusation— had broken faith with a distinguished wa'ermau, inasmuch as they | vended sundry abominations known as port, sherry, bottled stout, and bitter beer to the unguarded Briton. Ma. Larne, with unblushing impenitence, confessed to the fact. He was even lost, hardened enough to declare that, after hours’ work- ing in the Palsce, his forlorn soul had yearned for a glass of the strength of malt, flavoured with the bitterness of hops. Without enigma—he meaut bitter beer. He, moreover, confessed to what might be called broken faith; but which he considered amended determina- tion. On reflection, it had been thought better that men, under the Crystal roof, should temperately refresh themselves, all mutually sus- taining one another even by their own self-respect of the decencies of | life, there and then in their own Crystal Palace,—than that, turned away bungering and athirst, they should be absorbed in the holes and ' corners of surrounding publie-bouses, Is it not better that Ropmvson | —in the full light of his own Palacs, with humanising elevating ohjects | all around— should there and then quaff even his bottle of stout, better than that he should enter the hole and corner parlour of the Devil-in-a- Bush, and there ovscurely drink and smoke, and smoke and drink? In the Crystal Palace, Ropinson’s soul delights with beauty; in the pot- house, the said suul may haply drop and wallow in the sawdust of a spittoon. Nevertheless, an earnest, good man—hight Cuartes Gitpry—cried aloud for teetotalism, frankly and fervently denouncing the heathenism | | of Larne, declared and shown in a glass of bitter beer. “ Water ! | Water!” was the cry of the teetotaller. } (“ And Joseru was a goodly And then arose Sir Josern Paxton. person and well-favoured”) And Six Joseru, opening his mouth, evea | as the month of the Thames, promised water. Yes; most happy! public, happy in this. your Cry generation, Paxton promises that next summer’s sun shall turn to diamond showers thousands of tons of | water. Moreover, a silver lake! And for the fountains, they would give any odds to the fountains of Versailles, and whether by working | or playing, would beat them af . Vith this glad assurance, Mr. Larne’s report was joyously received, | the pregnant prologue to a happy future. In ned however, of the | kindly feeling hetween the Crystal Palace governors, and the keepers | of the Crystal Menagerie, Sin Josera Paxton has promised next year | fol forward the earliest crop of water-lilies by way of spring medicine to | the lions. THE CHEMISTRY OF COMMON DOMESTIC LIFE. (By a Strong-Minded Woman—with a strong Chemical Turn.) ‘Tue subjects to be treated in this interesting series—and into which will be thrown the experience of a long married life—will be :-— No. 1—The Am we breathe, and why our dear children (bless them !) always require a change of it at a certain period of the year. | No. 2.—The Coup Meat we eat, and why it generally produces ill humour when there is no pudding after it. No. 3.—Tne Joryts we cook at home, and the Joints that are cooked for us in a lodging-house, and how the latter invariably lose so much more in the cooking. | No. 4—The Pancakes we fry and the wonderful Puppies we contrive, whenever there is a doubt, whether there will be sufficient for dinner. | No. 5.—The Pot-Lucx that our husbands will persist in bringing’ their friends home to partake of, and the various Srews aod Brorts that always come out of it. No. 6—The Luycngons we enjoy when alone, and the Drynens we cannot touch when there is company. No. 7.—The Suenex we drink ourselves, and the MansaLa we give our friends at an evening party. No. 8.—The Sweets we give our children, and the Birrens we receive from our hi ds for so doing, on the absurd plea) that it makes the poor little dears ill. No. 9.—The Sort we cultivate in our conseryatories and out in our| balconies, and the Frowexs (hyacinths particularly) rear on our mantelpiece. No. 10:—The Beverages we infuse after an oyster supper, and the Siors we imbibe when we have a cold. wy PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 47 No. 11.—The Opvovurs (inelading musk and patchouli) we love best, and the Smeris we dislike most, especially that filthy tobacco-smoke. No. 12.—The Pets we that are generally attributed to our over-feeding them. No. 13.—The Quarreus we ferment and the Stonms we brew, when- ever poor mother comes to make a short stay in the house. No. 14.—The Taste-Beer be our servants, and an analysis of the strange rapidity with which it is drunk, though the un- grateful creatures are always ining of it. No. 15.—The Tea awp Sucar we allow the Cook and Housemaid, and the extraordinary preference they have for that which is used in the parlour. No. 16.—What we Breatue, and whom we Breatue ror, and the great benefit there is in Says, by theirenabling us to breathe so much better, and how @ heated room gencrally improves the Resrrration and V ewriLaTion. No. 17.—The Bopy we love and nourish and take care of, with an exposure of the absurd fallacy thet thim shoes, low dresses, and scanty clothing ave in the least imjagious to health. ALL UP WITH ENGLAND. (From the Journad de St, Petershoung,) INCERELY do we congratulate our readers on the extreme distress and misery in which the English are involved by —@ Yeason of the impious war 7 which they have dared to wage against our august Lord and Master, Nicao- Las. We have the happi- ness to assure the subjects ot His Iwpenian Maseery that those wicked islanders are in & state of absolute starvation. The price of bread had yn to a sum whieh p it the means of all! choad tat the most opulent of the nobility: and the scarcity of all other provisions is equally severe. chops are apiece, and are demanded for a joint of «neat by the few butchers who manage to keep their shops open. There is not a cat to be seen; and everything well be eaten up by rats and mice if there were any- thing for the mice and rats to eat; and if those vermin had not all perished of famine, as many as have not been caught, and applied to the same purpose as the cats. The dogs also have disappeared from the streets, and even from the kennels of the aristocracy: thus foxes ean no longer be hunted for food, and there is not a basin of soup to be had, or a sausage. Owing to the imposition of the Malt Tax, the Marquis or Wesr- wrster and Baron Roruscurtp are the only persons in the count: besides the Querw and Privce Axsert, who can afford beer: an consequently all the cab-drivers and coalwhippers are in a state border- ing on revolt. Whitebait and minnows are sixpence each: whilst aldermen, who this time last year were rolling in wealth, may now be seen fighting in the City gutters for a bone. The few hides imported have been entirely devoured; so that boots and shoes are not pro- curable, and the population is going barefoot. The same statement applies to tallow: insomuch that the nobility’s balls are illuminated by rushlights, and soda and potash being ly deficient, there is now a terrible meaning in the popular inquiry, “ How are you off for soap?” Such is the want of hemp, that Catcnar?, the executioner, is reduced to the employment of hay-ropes, and the dearth of paper is so extreme that not only can the boys fly no kites, but aecommodation bills cannot any longer he drawn, for lack of material. Nay, it has been found impossible, for the same reason, to carry into effect the issue of bank- notes, by which it was in contemplation to establish an artificial eurrency : for paper in Bogland is now more valuable than gold. It is obvious that the expenses of this umhallowed contest cannot be sus- tained much longer My the British infidels: in the meantime we aa reflect on the gratifying circumstance that they are subsisting on offal, and beginning to think seriously about eating their babies. a soverei and. the real causes of the illnesses | Mutton- | : a thirty pounds |

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S iedhbeiaeinaeiaiednidia cadeiitiietaendiidioness te | are forbidden by a text of Scripture, referr | science was however not accompli Itinerant Newsman, No.1. “1 say BILt, WHAT ARE you aiviInc ’EM? Ditto, No. 2. “ Gaaxp Massacner oy tax Frencu, and TERRIBLE Staventer or tue Bairisa Txoors.” A LADY'S CONSCIENCE AND A JUDGE'S DUTY. At the Exeter Assizes a lady, opting on conscientious scruples, refused to be sworn. The judge, Ma. Justice Wicutmay, hearing that the lady objected to an oath under the impression that all oaths r a her to her Sheriff’s Chaplain,” who it seems is prepared to “ explain texts of Scripture,” a process which sometimes ends + rendering obscure that which at first appeared perfectly plain. The lady left the court to have an interview | with the professional remover of conscientious scruples, who had been ' recommended by the judge as a person calculated to overturn, by a few minutes’ conversation, the conviction of per many years, and to change into an easy oath-taker, an individual who had a pnewe refused to “ swear at all.” The apne lubrication of the 8 con- of texts did not succeed in that rapid overthrow of those objections to | an oath, of which he had been expected to make the very shortest | work. ‘The lady returned into court as firm as ever in her conscientious refusal to be sworn; and the judge, telling her that “she would have all the inconvenience but none of the merit ofa martyr,” that “he could not say he sympathised with her,” committed her to prison for the remainder of the assizes, in the discharge of what he called his “painful duty.” If his Lordship had no sympathy we are at a loss to know how his duty could have been painful to him, for unless he felt sain for the object of his sentence, we do not see how he could have tenn pained by anything but the mere labour—such as it was—of uttering so many words. Both parties perhaps fulfilled their duty, but in looking at the respective merits of the judge and the lady, there is no difficulty in deciding which had the highest duty to perform. We think the judge might have spared his irrelevant observat and he might certainly have omitted his gratuitous declaration of want o sympathy—a quality he had not been asked to manifest, though his repudiation of it will do him as much harm in the opinion of thousands, as the firmness under implied insult and real suffering will reflect credit on the lady, whom his Lordship politely committed to the hands of the jailer. aad . es . It is strange that it did not occur to the judge that if it was his duty to act in obedience to the law of the land, it was 4 fortiori the duty of the lady to pay obedience to that higher authority, under whose direc- tion she was conscientiously acting. If this fact struck his mind, he might have refrained from those sneers at the expeuse of her scruples, with which he accompanied the sentence of imprisonment he thought proper to enforce. ’ . The whole transaction, as affording a fresh instance of the way in which the law of the land and the moral law are brought into collision, by the present system of oath-taking in judicial proceedings, may have an effect that will prevent a repetition of such scenes as the one in oo the pledge acted—perhaps the principal, but certainly not the ighest— part. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL and the professional explainer (From the Caledonian Advertiser.) | SCOTTISH LIONS AT THREE PENCE. | Tue Season for Summer Excursions is now at hand, and doubtless | | the steps of numerous tourists, whether in search of health or recreation, or both, will take the direction of the Land o’ Cakes. Among the many attractions which are THE GLORY AND THE BOAST OF CALEDONIA, not the least interesting is offered by DRYBURGH ABBEY, which, in addition to the historical associations connected with its | venerable ruins, derives a peculiar charm from the circumstance of being hallowed by enclosing within its precincts the cherished tomb which contains all that was earthly of the far-famed Wizard of the North. } agg: It is unnecessary to state that by that title is intended, not our wonder- working countryman, Ma. ANpexson, who, we are happy to state, is alive and well, but the magic minstrel, whose enchanting strains and | romances have won for himself and his country a world-wide celebrity, the talented author of “ Waverley,” SIR WALTER SCOTT. As an object worthy the attention of the tourist, Dryburgh Abbey has this peculiar advantage, that, considered in the light of a barial place, and therefore as a locality suggestive of grave and solemn ,| meditations and trains of thought, it is one of those few scenes of a recreative nature which are eligible for a Sunday visit, affording, as it does, “SERMONS IN STONES” on the transitory nature of even the most gifted existence, and other | subjects fraught with melancholy instruction. | For admission to the Abbey, including the sight of Sir Warten’s. tomb, the enterprising lessee has reduced his demand to the small sum of Three Pence for Adults; Children Half Price. | No extra charge is made for the privilege of dropping a tear over departed genius. The Lessee of Dryburgh Abbey confidently trusts that the liberality | with which, whilst practically excluding the vulgar masses, he has thus thrown almost open to the better orders a scene of so humanizing and softening a tendency, especially to the young, as is presented by those time-honoured and portion of the public in a corresponding spirit; and that there consecrated premises, will be met by the gentee? | |“ breathes not the man with soul so dead” as to refuse to the memory of | SCOTLAND'S GREATEST AUTHOR, a tribute so extremely reasonable as Six Bawbees, TREATING PRUSSIA DIPLOMATICALLY. Tue Krxe or Prussia, wishing to assist his imperial on) ewe pe in his difficulties, sent him an affectionate letter, in which he begged o! him not to have any reserve with him, but candidly to submit to him his case, and he would promise faithfully, and without disguise to give him his unbiassed opinion upon its merits. The Emperor, deeply touched with this noble proof of friendship, sent his “ dearly-beloved brother,” the case as he thought it exactly stood. It was carefully gone through, and when the King had thoroughly made himself of its contents, he forwarded to St. Petersburg a report, in which he master | said “he had scarcely made up his mind yet—it was certainly a most | difficult question—but as far as he had gone, he must say his opinion was decidedly favourable—still it oo: to him that the case ab. | y uu present was incomplete—so he wo much rather not say anything | | until he had seen the whole cf it.” The fact is, the case submitted to the | | Prussian Monarch was no other than a case of Cricquot Champagne. | Rescue of Hampstead Heath. We are much obliged to the House of Commons for having thrown | out the Finchley Road Estate Bill. Thank Heaven we have a House \of Commons! The Lords, with parks of their own to enjoy themsclves \in, had no difficulty in passing an Act tending to deprive the public of 'a playground. The Lower House bas shown more sympathy with the lpeapie and will, we trust, make a stand against the further enclosure \of lands which are the gh property : for, being Commons, they must feel the force of the question. How would they like to be enclosed themselves ? j } |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. 49 THE UNITED HAPPY FAMILY. ( Respectfully dedicated to the Cabinet.) Wark up—walk up—walk up! Threepence each—for the Exhibition : The United Happy Family— Def) ing com jon !! : of ae eon n colour, species, and age too, Complexion, habits, and features, And all in the same too! Walk up! Walk up! The Patriarch of the collection Is this cunning old Seotch cat, here, He has hardish strife for a quiet life, What with ow! aud monkey and rat here. Bat be —_ os with —— Though the mo is temper tries, Sir ; Ob—serve the animals sleekness, And his habit of sliuttme his eyes, Sir, Walk up! Walkup! Next observe the = ey | mon He’s a bad un—he is—to keep on He pulls the owls’ tails, and the eat he assails— ow the old boy stands it, I wonder. Pam’s the monkey’s name—up to all sorts o’ game, He keeps the whole cage in ’ot water ; But the coppers he draws and gets great applause, And that’s what we looks arter. alk up! Walk up! Here ’s a pair of owls—werry wise-looking fowls, Rayther given the young birds to i Mauch looked up to by all the family, Bat that moukey—as don’t respect nuffin. One’s a Wobarn bird—he’s great, I’ve heard, In constitutional histories : T’ other ’s Oxford-bred—and hig as his head May be, it’s chock-full of Church mysteries. Walk up! Walk up! There ’s that mag-pie, but he’s a bad bargain, d’ ye see, I was told he was sich a talker : Bat sinee here he come, the bird ’s been dumb— What they said of his jaw’s all Walker ! He was cotched, I’ve heard, in Adm’ralty yard ; Bat it’s time bis neck was wrung, Sir: For I ax, what’s the use, for fun or abuse, Of a mag-pie without atongue, Sir? Walk up! Walk up! Here ’s a Netherby terrier—a wonderful Of vermin, I’ve heard, be used to be ; Bat now lives cheek by jowl with the cat and the ow! And parted they can’t beindueed to be. That there teasin’ the cat’s the Australian rat, Observe his white skim and pink peepers ; He’s a rum un to bite, and he’s day and night At the —- they’re ’eavy sleepers. alkup! Walk up! That there coekatoo, red-crested and bl Was bro all the way from Argyle, Sir: And alongside the same, is a cock, real game— The Neweastle ginger-pile, Sir. That Grey : But again, as before, his tongue pegs away ; We've a Cackvo from Ciarendon—aint he just an arrant un! That’s him hiding between the cat’s legs away— Walk up! Walk up! And there if the straw on one side you ’Il draw, Is the Southwark guinea-pig dozing - smart when awake, his sleep ’s hard to break, And he’s gin’rally found reposing. Another I put im the cage a strut As he had, whea he warn't a-snoring! But the fam’ly one day found him so in the way, He got shoved through a hole in the flooring. Walk up! walk up! So if pleased have heen enent the Exhibition. 1’m sare you mast own such a show was ne’er shown At the same low charge for ad _nission. starling’s been ailing, we thought he was failing, with the sight that you ’ve seen— Of encroachment or strife none complain e’er : We’ve no rumpus—nor row— (4 tremendous caterwauling, barking, screaming, scuffling, | shrieking, and general outbreak of agonised and angry | heard within. ( Aside.) Hallow, what ’s up now ? There ’s the fam’ly a fightin’ again there ! (Exit Mr. Punch to setile the difficulty. A WORD WITH MR. BARNES. B. Banves.—In a letter | Birds and Beasts with each other live, as brother with brother, | animal noises ad- ae ene ag lime, you are f i the or 2 Now, eiore, without intending to affront you in the least, I might ask, who are you ? I believe the truth | is, Mr Barnes, that you, who set up to teach us what we are to do on Sunday, do net yourself even go to Church. Unless of some and attend ing-house. e ‘meet: Dissent from me I am much mistaken you are a Dissenter an Ebenezer, or Enon, or Little Bethel, or such li Very well. Enjoy your dissent with all my heart. toto calo, if you like to carry your dissidence so far. But let us have | i Spend r whole reciprocity. Sunday in Eben: zer if you will, but | ew Sau —¢ 5 - 4 —-—pieataeaaniarmecie ew dens, or the C alace, if 1 please. ; I respect Esexezer. The word, I know, has a mystic signification. | | It means, to me, freedom of conseience. Bat the time wes when you, . B, would have been fined for attending that tabernacle instead of | parish church; nay, perhaps your ears would have ultimately | loon cropped for your nonconformity. And certainly to sanction, the advocacy of sectarian prohibitions, the principle whereon you have been subj to that operation, is to exhibit a lenzth of those appesdages ich presents a strong case for oy mee : am a Protestant and a Dissenter, myself. I dissent from the Council of Trent, and I protest against the su of otherwise Pio Nowno, Pope of Rome. M more do I dissent from your opinions im regard to y, and protest is mo authority in them to control my actions. I say that you |neither have nor ought to have any spiritual jurisdiction in these | dominions. I also say that neither you nor awy other of the Sabbatarians can bring me one text out of the Book, which we all jagree to be gnided by, to prove that I am under any —— | to keep Sunday as the Jews were ordered to keep Saturday, or > iding me to walk in gardens, or stroll about in a couservatory, or | inspect statues, or any other objects that are not vierous or impure. further say that you and the rest of yow lave been thus over and over again, and will not answer the challenge; that you ignore the argument which you are unable to refate ; blink the truth on which we stand against you; and persist in preacuing your sermons on a text that is not. : Do you really believe that the average mind—I will not say of a mechanic or artisan—but of a master tailor or butcher, or grocer—of the mass, in short, of the middle classes—is capable of really oecapying itself with spiritual meditations during all the hours of Sanday inter- vening between the services, besides being attentive to these? If not, what had the man better do than seek some iunocent amusement ? Go to bed and to sleep, or sit twiddling his thambs, or smoke a , amd fuddle himself with spirit-and-water? That is the only spi 7 Mr. Barses, that will be promoted by the tyrauny of your Sabbatarians ; believe | A Picrore or Peace (Vide Lawpseer’s Picture) —Lonn Aven DEEN, as a Scotch Sheep looking into a Russian’s gun. ni smal a

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50 PUNCH, OR THE LO NDON CHARIVARI. + A TA — 2 ee en meeage ———a \? be \ . yg \w . > ~ 2 SS CN 7 “—- ‘ _ SHEA £ O*CGAYRES SSS y | bite of the tarantula spider. It consists in a rabid p fi are irritated by the venom of that insect. This species of delirium, which is of a contagious I'ractarians, who abound in the district. simultaneously in the Churches of St. Paul and St advice, to persist in singing thee . ‘ ’ Sunday, insist on having the Sermon sung, instead to them. | 4 | the war in recitative. Their table-talk is likewise music; so that their dinner parties, and other réunio which are presented at Cider-cellars and Coal-holes. discord in their parish. f they want their coachmen to stop. | Commons, an i there is no doubt that t general constitute a plain speech. THE BELGRAVIAN MUSIC-MANIA. : In Belgravia there is, and has been for some time, raging a frenzy | : analogous in character to the remarkable mania resulting from the | ‘ Wes , Tt SOMETHING LIKE SPORT. . Jolly Angler. “Hooray, Tom! I’ve cot onz—ayp mY worD! Dipn’t HE PULL?” ropensity to sing, | F as uncontrollable as the itch for dancing, wherewith the Neapolitan: nature, and also if somewhat corresponds with that of the “ Flagellants” of ecclesiastical i, history, first manifested itself among the sect called Puseyites or It is said to have broken out . Barnabas, which are frequented principally by those enthusiasts, who, abandoning, under | am | its influence, the usage of rational persons, took to chanting their | “ft prayers instead of saying them, and have now arrived at such a pitch of absurdity, as not only to sing, but against all sober and sensible ist i Poteay. It is not to be —— that disorder will stop here: indeed there can be little doubt that the St. Paul’s and St. Barnabas’ congregations will very soon, if not next | of being preached | Demeaning themselves with so much extravagance in Church, it will | rt , correctly be surmised that these music-mad people proceed to still | | greater excesses in social intercourse. They are reported to sing ; | responses to inquiries about their health, which they also put to a) | one another in singing, and to converse concerning the weath: ther and all carried on in ms, as the fashion- it is to see the higher phases of society thus approximate to those They make love in t able phrase runs, are so many harmonic meetings : and very wonderful { song, as characters do at the Opera; they debate likewise in tune : although their differences with their neighbours have created much Their commands addressed to their footmen and other servants are all melodious, and they literally sing out when If ever Belgravia should obtain a ‘member to represent it in the | Russe have together helped to solve the mystery. From the official a 4 should be returned by the Constituents, | reports which that veracious print has p - e honourable gentleman will have a voice in| bombardment of Odessa, and other so-claimed Russian victories, it : the House which he will exert in arias and brarwras, At a Public | seems to us quite clear that every Russian subject finds it necessary to | Meeting recently held for the purpose of securing a choral litany, the | his existence to keep h's throat well i | Belgravians are understood to have sung those observations which in | being choked by the enormous lies which his Government is constantly THE MUSIC OF THE POLITICAL SPHERES. Ow the proposition of Str Frrzroy Ketty, a | clause nas been inserted in the Bribery Bill to | prevent the employment of bands of music at |elections. This arrangement will be rather hard | on all the trumpets, trombones, and other “ brazen | engines whose rude throats ” have been hitherto employed in providing a sort of nominal har- mony at a contested election. We think that all the Green Baize Bands in the kingdom are entitled to ask for compensation for the loss they will sustain by this rather harsh enactment. A band was a most useful appendage at a contested elec- tion, for even the most short-winded of brazen instruments was preferable to the long-winded and equally brazen of those who are in the habit -|of making themselves the instruments of rival candidates. A bad polka is always better than a bad speech, and we would rather hear even MenpeLssoun murdered on the ophicleide than Liyptey Murray murdered on the hustings. As the Bribery Bill is intended to prevent can- didates from paying, as they have formerly done, to a pretty tune, it is perhaps thought that by domg away with bands, a stop will be put to the practice of paying to any tune whatever. The Czar's Want of Scimitary. | Tae Emperor or Russta has shown the cloven foot. It is greatly to be wished that he would lead his own troops into action, as in that case there would be some hope that he would likewise show the cloven head. A RUSSIAN PROBLEM SOLVED. common, we suppose, with most civilised beings, we have long been puzzled to understand why the Rus- sians, perhaps more than any other nation, have such an inordinate taste for tallow —we mean not as an article of light but of diet. From our earliest cradlehood the portrait of a Russian has been drawn in oils upon our mental canvas: and we have pictured him to ourselves as a hairy individual, holding with one hand a bunch of candles to his lips, like the boy with the grapes in Mvu- RILLO’s picture, while his other hand rests upon a can of lamp oil, wherewith to wash down the tallowy tit- bits. We have also onl recounted wild legends by our fathers of how, when ’ the Russian fleet once lay at Spithead (as we rather think it possible it may again shortly, with |the Black Eagle flying beneath the British Ensign), the streets of Portsmouth were nightly put in darkness by unenlightened Russians, who sucked out the lamps as fast as they were lit. In fact we have always been led to believe that however strong an attachment the | Russian may profess for his country, he is still continually betraying a preference for Greece. There is proverbially no accounting for tastes, and there has been until lately no accounting for this. Time, however, and the Jnralide | ublished concerning the , in order to prevent his obliging him to swallow. Printed by Wi'liam Brad . of No. 18, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish in the County of Midd the Oty of London.—Satuapar, August 5, 4 o@St. Peneras, and Prederick Mullett Evans, of No. 27, Victoria Street, in the Parieh of St. Mergaret and St. John, Westminster, both . Printers, at their Office ir, Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whiteiriars, ia the City of Leadon, and Pu'lithed by them at No. %, Feet Street the Parish of St. Bride, is | eS ee ee

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, | | | too for the matter o’ that,—in spite o’ them teetotaller chaps—and lots | o” beef, and everythink e | was at t I did take a purty tolerable dose o’ the physic I recommends at | be | that are Crystal Pallus, cause if you sez a be wuth zee’n, [ thinks PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 51 E are indebted to a corres-| mdent at Skimmerton’s | tom for the subjoined | epistle, which, he informs us, | he heard the other evening, read out before a consider- able assembly of the inhabi- | tants of that Arcadia, at | the blacksmith’s shop. The | Trotts are agriculturists, uncle and nephew, and the | letter was addressed by the latter gentleman to the former. In point of ortho- raphy our correspondent en rendered it on the pho- netic system, in accordance, he says, with the pronuncia- tion of old Mx. Trort. To Mr. Isaac Trott, Jod’s Acre, Skimmerton’s Bottom, “ Bell Savige, Jume, 1854. “Dear Uncie, “The last words yon | sez when I left, mind you writes and tells me all about as how I shall come up and ha a squint at un myzelf—Squint at wn! Dost, thee’st squint thy eyes out, uncle, I tell’ee that. Well, I zed I ’ood, and little thought what a precious lie I was tell’n of. ‘ell thee all about un! why, mun, that takes a matter o’ aighteen books—the laste on ’em as thick as a dab o’ bacon, and the biggest no thinner than a slice 0’ brem-butter. All I can tell thee of un is about | my zee’y of un, and not bein a scollard, that "li be hard work, how- somedever I’ll zct to at it, for which purpose [’ve took off my quoat. “ Fust of all, uncle, if ever you visits the Crystal Pallus, I tell ’ee what you do aforehand. You take and drink a jug o’ beer. Not but | what there’s plenty o’ that beveridge to be had in the Pallus, and wine, that’s good to ate, as well; but thee ha’ a zwig o’ beer afore thee gost in. Thee’st very zoon want another, I prommus thee! Take a drop o’ beer vust to strengthen thy heart, and screw up thy pluck, and vartify thy narves. Dostn’t, when the zight | bursts a thee, thee’st be struck all of a heap wus than old Hosss | e Fat Cattle Show. It took me aback, I can tell ’ee, for all | startun’. “a a gurt build’n like a Cathydral, only eversomuch bigger, all | o’ glass, ‘cept the posties and pillers, and siteh, which is iron, painted differn’t colours. Fancy a greenhouse, like as Appum med a had to grow viowers under in the Gearden o’ Edun, vive or zix times the zize 0’ Nore’s Ark—big enough to cover half the parish, and moor | |nor a hunder’d voot higher than the weathercock ’top o’ the church | A CLODHOPPER AT THE CRYSTAL PALACE. | spire. And when you looks up into the roof on un, drat if it don’t | sim as though the cielun of un was the sky itself, hooped athurt and across wi jistes and bames, like raainbows. “ As to what there’s inzide of un. Well, to tell ’ee that ood take more sheets o’ foolseap than there war skins o’ parchment in that laa- suit about Ditch-End. Statchies, picturs, — viowers, stuffed birds and beastices, saviges and natives, took Natur, in wax-works, wild man apes, and all manner of wonderful works, oringe and lemon- trees, paams or whatever they calls ’em, and trees shrubs of ever sort from Atrikey, Botany Bay, and other hot . Besides all this here when a be finished, which a bain’t yet, there'll be fountains squirtun rheumatic vinegar, and shootun up colms o’ water — into the sky; these here, in coorse, “ll be outzide, and —-, among | all manner o’ plants and viowers, you'll ha gurt ponds, and —| ’em, as large as life, the huge evouts and dragons, and other monsters as there used to be afore the Vlood. “Well, then you sees all the Kings and o’ England in laaster o’ Parrus. You sees the temples o’ haythen Griks and hoamans, and their greaven imi i the ruins of ’em, arter and cone up and pomener like they used to be in the times o’ Junus Cassar. Not only that, but you sees likewise the palluses o’ Farner, King o’ Egypt, and SwatcwacraB, King o’ Syrier, as you reads about, and ail their ways and fight’n, the dumb idols they used to worship; bastes and birds, and creepin’ things and vowls o’ the air, and monstrus figgers that looks meant for old Harry, and giants which re ts their kings. Sitch rum uns, zum on ’em; specially the bulls in SwaTcuacrasn’s us, my eye, what bulls! bulls wi’ wings and faces like Christians. a bull wi’ a human veace afore ‘cept Jonw Butt, wings like these here. I s’pose SyatcnacraB was forced to keep his bulls in a cage, for fear they should take it into their heads to wish good by to ’n, and viee away, “ Moorover likewise there’s the insides o’ churches, and all their curiosities, coloured and mended zo as to look like what they was in the times when everybody worshup’d the Puoar ; monniments o’ dead kings, took from life, as the Irishman zed, all gilt and warmuillun, sitch as thee’st zin on a Satturday at the Caythadrel arter thee’st bin to market ; saaints wi’ their necks atwist stare’n like stuck pigs, and bishops wi’ their crooks in all manner 0’ queer posters, cast’n the devil out o’ Pagan kings; zig-zag arches, twoads and frogs, griffins, imps, and hobgoblins. “ But there!—I should ha’ to on writun vrom this time to to-morrer, and not done then if | was to tellee all there is to be zin. Zoon as I gets back to look arter the varm, thee come up and zee’n thyself ; only mind what I sez about the beer, and git thee a new hat one as fits tight, else thee’st git zo many new notions into thy that they ’ll be like to bust un. ” Well this 1 ooll zay—though whate ’s up—for all these here times ood for we—when I see this here gurt work o’ Peace, the Crystal Pallus, I did‘*tbink to myself, what a horrid thing ’tis that the civilisa- sh’n and improvement we’ve got into should be interrupted by this here war. And though a be just now the Varmer’s Vriend, | do zay, confound the Emrgror o’ Roosuer! Zo no moor at present from your dootiful nevvy, “ Jxacos Trorr.” THE STEPS AT THE CRYSTAL PALACE. THE FIRST. The Balance Right in the End. Disraeui is always threatening to move a want of confidence in inisters. However, if ministers have too litile confidence, Ma. DisRaz1i on the other hand has rather too much, so the House does not lose a great deal after all. TUE LAST. Military Mems. Iv Lorp Ractax’s army is to make no other movement, his Lord- ship might as well allow it to adopt the moustache movement... The ritish soldier would be just as bold as he is if he were not so bar-faced. VOL. XXVII. G charrats and hossmen, and | never heard o’ | and he hant got no | es 1 compere eee oe

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. CRONSTADT TAKEN AFTER DINNER. » POLITICAL FASHIONS LN SPAIN. i Tue Queen or Spans promises, in her recent | proelamation, “a new era of true liberty, morality, bamd justice.” There ean be no doubt that if “liberty, morality, and justice” are really in- tredueed into the Government of Spaim, they will be amongst the greatest “novelties of the season.”” We should recommend the inserip- tion of the words Magasin des Nouveautés over all the Government offices. We shall be curious to see the new patterns of morality that are to proceed from the palace of Madrid, where the modes have hitherto been such as would disgrace any decent millimer’s establishment. In the way of Liberty we may expect some rather curious devwiees, and we are very much ufraid that the material will be of too flimsy a deseription for thewear and tear to which it will |be liable. It is something new indeed to see | Madrid setting the fashions to Paris, but if ‘anything in the way of Liberty is to come into vogue, the Spanish capital will be decidedly in advance of the French metropolis. We fear, however, that poor Liberty will soon have her figure spoiled, and her free respiration impeded | by the tight lacing which is too mach in fashion with some of the Continental Governments. “ aware or" = . Be She 4 An Educational Damper. A REVEREND gentleman advertises to “ prepare | pupils for the public schools, washing included, | AN sii | iii for forty-four guineas per annum.” We do not zn eens cin quite understand the preparatory washing the | by a plate of gooseberries at the back.) Were we are. The strawberries the forts: Cronstadt | 4). pupil, should the rod be found requisite. i | the gooseberries. Now a little vigour and deeision! ‘This spoon is the Duke of Wellington ia three-lecker, leading the van. We go in here, firing both broadsides at onee, to destroy the = * forts to larboard and starboard ; winle at the same time our guns in the bows and stern-sheet j smash the other forts before and behind. Very good. We are then in front of Cronstadt EXPLOITS OF THE ALLIES. 7 the City of Cronstadt. We sheil that, Sir; shell it of course! Blow up the powder Ir is true, as the 7imes remarks, that six : magazines ; capitulation ensues ; the Russian fleet is m a blaze, and, my dear Baown, that is | months have elapsed since the Allies have taken is how / would take Cronstadt— the field. They have taken the field; and that is Brown. fter dmuer all they have taken. FINE ART IN POETS’ CORNER. THE CONVICT OF LOVE | | Westminster Abbey is often spoken of as a fine building, and very I now’r feel ashamed of this sad situation, H | properly so, whether you consider the word fine as a substantive or an Though much I dislike my hard labour and fare, | adjective. The Dean and Chapter who preside over that venerable For | know that I’m sympathised with by my nation, pile possess the power of exacting a fine for the erection of any statu: Whose dawzhiters all weep for the lot I’ve to bear. or other monument within its walls, so that the Abbey may be described With pistols and bludgeons I went out a wooing, n as a fine-edifice, containing fine-statues. ‘This power they are said to be To win a fair bride thirty-thousand above, . at present exercising, by demanding the sum of 200 guineas for the per- And my passion for that same has been my undoing ; mission to erect the monument of Camrne.t in Poets’ Corner. The No rest at the crank for the Convict of Love. monument is stated to have been completed several years, amd to be imprisoned in the artist’s studio, or elsewhere, only because the fine is not paid. Lf, as is also alleged, the Dean and Caarrer of Wastmu- sTex have already had a tine, and a heavy one, out of the Poet’s grave, they might consider whether the fine-feeling which they have evinced towards departed genius should not give place to a finer. : It seems to be the object of these fine fellows to make hay in fine weather, and certainly such weather may not be permitted to last. That Buckianp and Mriman are fine names we all know, but how fine they are was known to comparatively not many. A general dislike is felt for | eeclesiastical finery, but that is nothing to the odium which the My pistol I carried, the delicate question Of Wilt thou be mine ? to the charmer to pop, My skullcrackers hinted a tender suggestion, That | was a boy not at trifles to stop, Retainers | took, lest, my fond passion spurning, The mate that | wanted should peck at her dove, And here, hubbaboo! at this handle I’m tarning; No rest at the crank for the Convict of Love. . = Cases under the Bribery Bill. the discounter from Lighting a cigar with it ? : Lights of the Church that want Snouffing out. comin Bribery Bill prevent the candidate from paying the voter a TuouGn the Puseyites are indebted for their tallow principally to| Does it prevent the former from paying the latter any attention ? Russia, still it is to be doubted whether Puscyism after all is worthy Does it prevent the eandidate from paying his addresses to an —— pupil is expected to undergo to fit him for a a Baows and Joss orsr their wine, public school, though we have met with cases in : rae oe my which there has been a liberal use of soft soap , Tones. How would | take Cronstadt ? With vigour and decision, nothing more easy. My om parents and guardians. Perhaps “washing | i! dear Brows, look here. This table is the Baltic, very well. Now look—(Jowes places meluded ” means to eomprise the “mangling” | certain strawherries for the forts ; the City of Cronstadt on this occasion only being represented thet it mar he necessary to apply to the back of | ; authorities of Westminster Abbey will incur by their style of “coming it fine.” Not to put too fine a point on it, we would recommend them) Js there anything in the Bribery Bill to prevent a candidate from to confine their exactions, lest the fine thing they make out of West-| giving a voter five guineas for a pair of gloves ? minster Abbey should be confined for them, within a small compass, ~ [)oes any clause hinder the candidate from discounting the voter’s one of these fine mornings. bill? The bill having been diseounted, is there any provision to hinder | to hold a eandle even to old Nicnonas. elector’s daughter ? COT beh se a oO wea | oni | che Sir, pay

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A VEGETARIAN EATING HOUSE. Tue immense success of the late Vegetarian Banquet at Leeds has induced an enter- prising enthusiast to start an Eating ‘ conducted entirely without the assistance of the Butcher. Bat ‘ the principle that it fish: for vegetarian- an improvement on = first promul|gators men. The Poulterer = is excluded likewise ; for not even eggs are tolerated: it being considered eruel to rend the tie which exists between them and hens, if not cocks also: and although this objection may not apply in the case of ducks, by reason of the indifference of those birds to their eggs, yet it is thought that to eat ducks’ eggs would be to take a shameful advantage of the ducks’ neglect of their eggs. Recourse is not even had to the Dairyman; to drink cows’ milk is to rob calves: and if the cow has no calf, to milk her is to weaken her, by creating an artificial drain upon her constitution. Milk quite sufficient for the composition of puddings and pies is obtained from various plants, and the requirements of the tea and breakfast-table are completely met by the milk of the cocoa nut. In short, the Baker, the Greengrocer, and the Grocer im ordinary, parvey all the materials which form the bill of fare provided at these novel Refreshment mms: the staple of the kitchen is derived entirely from the kitchen-garden. The beverages—for the establishment is teetotal as well as vegetarian—essentially consist of the unfermented juice of the pump. We have honoured this Vegetarian Eatmg House with a visit, and on inquiring what there was ready, were informed by the waiter that there was “some very nice grass just wp.” ; “Do you think,” we cried, “that we are going to be such geese as to eat that?” “ Nice young grass, Sir,” he repeated: “ new cut.” The idea of grass made us ruminate a little. “Any hy?” said we. i “No ’ay, Sir,” answered the waiter, blandiy. “No ’ay, Sir; but beautiful ‘grass— ” arrowgrass. Pe Peas, Sir?” suggested the waiter. We ordered peas. “Two peas—thoroughly done!” shouted the man, down a pipe. “ What will you take to drink, Sir?” he asked, returning to the table. “'There’s toast- So ’s apple-water, lemonade, ginger-beer.’’ “ n e ; ” $ Hibaw’s hale, Sir ; very old ; first liquor as ever was drunk.” “ Bring us a of Apam’s ale apiece ; we prefer it mild.” “ Yessir.” saying the waiter disappeared; and presently returned with our dinner ; for which, however, we found our two peas insufficient, so we demanded what clse there was. “* Kidneys, Sir—fine kidneys. Marrow.” “Come,” we said. “This is better than we thought. Kidacys and marrow. Bring a couple of marrow-bones.” “No bones, Sir.” Vegetable marrow.” “Two kidneys then.” * Two kidneys, Sir, yessir.” Let them be deviled. . : “ Very , Sir: don’t devil our kidmeys. Red-nosed kidneys, or kidney beans, Sir ’” “* Red kidneys!” we cried in astonisiment. “Yessir. *Taturs, Sir.” | “ Potatoes with red-noses!” we again exclaimed. “In this abode of Temperance! Well; never mind : bring us some of your debauched potatoes.” “Ow will you ‘ave them, Sir? Plain?” “Hey ?—no. A la maitre & hétel—that is with parsley and butter.” “ Parsley, Sir, we ’ave; but no butter. Butter a hanmal substanee, Sir; we use no haniumal substance. Ile, Sir.” “ One wants something else with potatoes,” we observed. “You can ’ave,” replied the waiter, “minced turnip, or ‘ashed carrot, cabbage ‘art stuffed, seolloped hartschokes, curried brocoli, fricass cucumber, roast onion, stewed endive, truffle and mushroom pie, beet-steaks, pumpkin chops.” We chose a slice of roast onion; and when we had eaten it, the waiter inquired whether we would take pastry or “ How is it you have cheese,” we “and not butter?” “Damson cheese, c Sir,” was his ly. We had some bread and damson cheese; and then asked what was to| kad | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 53 onions 18 one shilling, two and a penny: and breads and cheeses tour: and two waters a apeny each is two and fivepence apeny.” We settled this little account without any demurrer; and under the excitement of the generous fare we had been partaking of, cave the waiter half-a-crown, telling him to keep the change, which amounted to a halfpenny for him sell, MANY THINGS IN FEW WORDS. not only isthe Butcher! A poor Bachelor never looks so pitiable as L& renounced, but also when he is looking out his linen to send to the the Fishmonger, on wash. A Violin is an instrument thgt tortures many is wrong to cateh| for the enjoyment of one. None but a Frenchwoman knows how to put } ¢ ism professes to be on a shawl. A La . * . - e } that doctrine, the| wheeke wyer’s carriage is only a blue bag on A woman’s age is a problem of which no whereof were fisher-| Ancurmepes has ever yet cried out “ Eureka.” Puseyism is a kind of sandwich taken between Protestantism and Roman Catholicisin. Every Dramatist fancies all his Geese are Swans of Avon. With a Cabman (since the Frrzzoy Act) mosily all roads lead to the Police Court. The Balance of Burope is mostly left in Roti SCHILD’s hands, Shopping is woman’s only consolation wilicn she has no money to spend. Drunkenness is a dead wall with arow of broken bottles at the top. Repentance must travel always by an [xpress Train, for it so repeatedly arrives too late | TIPPERARY ROASTING PIG. Tue little pigs of some town, blest with ex- traordinary prosperity, are described in an Irish anecdote as running about the streets roasted and smoking hot, inviting the public at large to come and eat them. When Mr. Carpen was acquitted, the other day, on his second trial for attempted abduction, the ladies are said to have cheered him and waved their handkerchiefs. Perhaps this was because of their persuasion | of his mmocence ; but if it was owing to a belief in his guilt, the sympathy manifested by these ladies is a hint that may be worth taking if there is among them a handsome heiress, or an heiress worth anything handsome. In that case, also, there can be no doubt, that the town of voluntary acstinneay» is Clonmel, and that the ardent ladies of ‘Tipperary are those little pigs. Grape Shot. Some of Corowet Maseasev’s friends have been quizzing hun about the presentation of a testimonial to him, on his retirement from the Post Office. The Colonel takes the quizzing in very good humour, aad im allusion to the design of the candelabrum, which represents a vine laden with fruit, he says he cam well understand that “the grapes are sour.” Wanted an Aide-de-Colonel. Trere is a certain foreign officer who, being now, however, a naturadized individual, is eligible for admission into the British Serviee; and as soon tame ye pe ith Regiment, | we recommend it should be offered to him. We allude to Mason Benxsowsx1, whose system of mnemonics, or method of improving short memories, would render him @ valuable amxiliary to one of the members of that distinguished corps. Apvicz To SappaTaRiass.—Keep your own pay. “ Yessir, Two peas is eight; and kidneys is five—that’s thirteen—and two roast | Sunday, and don’t take away ours. a tee ry 1 meee I Oe mca te saps in ee

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a ee a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VERY KIND. “Wet! Goon pre, Unctz! I’ve ENJOYED MYSELF VERY MUCH IN THE COUNTRY; AND IF YOU WILL RUN UP TO LONDON AT ANY Time, I’LL sHow rou a LitrLtz Lire! IMAGINARY CONVERSATION. An Apartment at Osborne. Hen M——y is graciously pleased to be hearing Hen R—t H——s tue P——s L—a C5 A——a read to her out of Punch. The Kant or A——wn and Lowy J—x R L are announced, and Hex M——y's smile at the graceful satire in which Mr. Punch enwraps his profound wisdom, is utterly and entirely misconceived by the two Ministers into an expression of pleasure at their arri¢al. Hler M. Good morning, my lords. I hope you had a pleasant passage, and that the Fairy did her duty. Lord A, Admirably, your M y, and we have come to do ours, we hope as satisfactorily. In obedience to your M——y’s commands, we are in attendance to receive any intimation your M Y may wish to make as to the Speech from the Throne, at the approaching prorogation. Her M. Lovisa, my love, give me that paper. (The Princess smilingly hands Punch to her illustrious mamma. ) No, dear, keep that. ‘The paper on the table. Lord J. R. Allow me, your Royal Highness. (He fetches the paper in question, and observes, to his extreme discomfort, that it is the Times of Wednesday, February the \st, 1854.) Her M. My \ords, | have been reading the speech which you were so good as to prepare for me at the opening of the present session, because it appears to me that the address at its close should refer to the hopes and promises with which we set out. Does not that seem reasonable ? Lord J, R. Without venturing to discuss the reasonableness of such a course, your M——-y, I would observe that it is not precisely exacted by the Constitution, and inasmuch as there are occasions when such references might be productive of unhappy cavil, we can be guided by the exigency of the moment. Lord A. | contradicting his colleague, as usual with Ministers). There is not the slightest reason for any hesitation on the subject. As the Houses will rise as soon as the speech is made, there can be no cavil. Her M. Be that as it may, suppose we go through the January Speech, and see what material we can find for the August one. The Princess (smiling). All your Speeches must be August Speeches, Mamma, mustn’t they ? Her M. My love, | am sure you never found such a joke as that in your Punch. Pray show more respect for Prosody. « (Her M y reads) the first paragraph of the January Speech re- ferred to the war. I said that “the differences between Russia and the Porte had not been settled, and that a state of warfare had ensued.” What are we to add to this statement now ? Lord A. 1 beg to suggest that we add—nothing. The words ow, my Lords, | | | | exactly express the present state of things, and the least said is the | soonest mended. Lord J. R. (indignantly). That won’t do. There is our Declaration i of War, and the departure ot the fleets, and of the armies, and the French soldiers going away in English ships, and—and— Lord A. And—well—and what? The glorious capture of Cronstadt, the splendid storming of Sebastopol, and the brilliant vietory on the Danube. Don’t let us forget those triumphs of English and French arms. Lord J. R. It may be matter of satisfaction to a friend of the Czar that nothing has yet been achieved, and the person who has thrown every obstacle in the way of our vigorous action may fairly exult in his success. The Princess (appealingly). Mamma, don’t let them speak crossly to one another. It’s wicked, isn’t it, Mamma? Lord J. R. We are not cross, your Royal Highness, at least I am not. Your M——y, I would submit that a reference to our having joined in the grand quarrel, and a hope that our arms will be triumphant, will fitly commence the Speech. , Lord A. But without any unnecessary vituperation of the Emreron or Russia. Lord J. R. 1 do not often agree with Patwerston—in fact he is my colleague—but he was jeg nght in denouncing the “jargon” of you opponents of the folicy of England. Her M. (with dignity). Your Lordships will be good enough to make this paragraph speak the plainest English. You understand. (7 bow, Lonp J. R. with evident enjoyment). Now, the next paragr

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hes, | in rds, and had | yrds | the tion the adt, the noch own : his y to [am ving ant, ROR } my you nake qT rap Avecst 12, 1854.) OY Gia Vrt ; : = =— | | SMOKE. | Laspectcr Punch. “YOU MUSTN’T MAKE SO MUCH SMOKE NEXT SESSION, MY LORD, OR YOU’LL GET INTO TROUBLE, I PROMISE YOU.” | ‘ [Puscu, No. 683.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. said that the Estimates had been framed with a due regard to economy. The war alters the circumstances, but, without reference | to the war, have you any economical reforms or rewenchments to appeal to? | » ~ A. We have nothing to do with such matters in the Lords. Lord J. R. Except that we have done the Bisuor of New ZeaLanp out of his salary—only a few hundreds—I fear we have nothing to boast of, your Maszesty, but Grapstonr promises wonders from the | new mode of national bookkeeping. Her M. \ do not see how the mode of stating an account can alter the account itself. We must pass over this. I mentioned that the year before we had not had a good harvest. This year, providentially, | the harvest will be a rich one. Lord J. R. \t will sadly offend the friends of the farmers te be told that they have nothing to grumble at, but I think we should risk that. Her M. | said that trade was prosperous. ; Lord J. R. The war impedes commercial enterprise by causing hesi- tation and uncertainty, but things are not very bad—yet. If the war were vigorously pushed towards a speedy termination, we should scarcely feel the mischief. : Lord A. 1 protest against mixing matters which have nothing to do with one another. Her M. { referred to University Reform. Lord A. (looking triumphantly at his colleague). Your M—-’s late Ministers have passed a very good bill on this subject. My noble frien was beaten about twenty times during the debates, and the bill was remodelled by the enemy. Would it be constitutional, Lory J——w R——t, for Hen M——y’s Government to compliment Hux M——+’s Opposition ? ler M. 1 said that bills would be submitted to Parliament for trams- ferring from the Eeelesiastical to the Civil Courts the cognizance of testamentary and matrimonial causes. In other words, we promised | reform in the law of Wills, and of Divorce. Lord J. R. ¥xcuse me, your M@——y. We said that bills should be submitted. They were. We promised to do nothing more, and have kept our promise. Both bills have been withdrawn. Her M. We promised a reform in the Civil Service system. Lord J. R. \ fear we must ask your M——y to promise it again, and | next year we will see about it. Her M. We promised to reform the law of Pauper Settlement. Lord J. R, The country squires did not like our bill, so we with- rew it. Her M. | said that measures would be submitted for the amendment | of the laws relating to the representation of the Commons in Parliament. Lord J. R. “ Infandum, Regina, jubes renovare dolorem.” (Bursts into tears, lo the great grief of H. hk. H. P——ss.) Her M. My \ord, you fulfilled your pledge. Let the disgrace lie with those who hindered your doing more, and specially with Manchester, | which, rather than see reforms achieved otherwise than at its own dic- tation, rejected them. The Free-Traders, false to their principle, desired a monopoly of the manufacture of law. As somebody said to | Ma. Buckstons in an amusing burlesque I saw at the Haymarket— . “ There's no complaint of you, my little man.’ | Then T promised a Bill against Bribery. Lord J. R. We have done something, but this bill also has been remodelled by the Tories, and its best parts are cut out. Her M. As to Edueation—could you not manage to do something ? Lord J. R. We have tried, but bigotry beats us, the Church voting that a child cannot jearn its letters aright except from a leaf torn out of the Book, and the Papists solemnly declaring that children had better be half-naked, half-starved thieves, than learn off such a leaf unless it have been printed at Douay. Her M. Weil, have you drained London? Have you made it felony to send out Emigrants in ships ill-found or not sea-worthy’ Have you regulated Savings Banks—a reform whieh the industrious operatives have implored for years? Have you dealt with the Landlord and Tenant question in lreland? Have you considered whether Partridges are quite worth their price in gaol-room and murder’ Have you put down the medical pont who advertise poison for the people ? Lord J, R. Unfortunately, your M——y, the war— Her M. What on earth the war to do with these things? You have been sitting from the end of January to the middle of August, and what have you done? What am I to say that you have done’ What, my Lorp Anrrpeey, in the Lords ? Lord A. Abolished dogearts, your M——v. Her M. What, my Lorp J——y RK——11 in the Commons? Lord J. R. Smashed 81a Tuomas Witsox, Your M——y. Her M. Good deeds, both, no doubt, and deeds that could not be} done in less than seven months. Well, you must make me the best Speech you can, and, for the future—what is that Latin, Loussa, that Papa quotes, when he means that he hopes for better things. he Princess (after consideration). Sperno meliora, isn’t it, Mamma ? 4. R. H. the Paiscr A——*, entering. Say spero next time, my dear. Ah! my Lords. I did not know that you were here. x | Her M. We have done, my love. Su we go to lunch, { The ya party move of, hen M—y —x | the way | with the Pure — Princess and Lorv J. R-—— 1 | following arm much stateliness, and the Field | Marshal bringing up p Noma | A COURT-MARTIAL FOR MBE. | On of all fair tribunals give me a Court-Martial! That ’s the Court T would io ~—~ tee So forbearing, considerate, From the strong such protection aff the weak. Pulled up there—if I ever be to a bar shall— | Let me be; not before Judge or Beak. Sing, over the left, boys, and like a very, And “where are your witnesses,”* ch, Mn. Panny ? “In Turkey? we thought so; and be merry, | And in judgment we’ll sit with a . Tis of men of nice honowr 4 Men of honour that bears not a speek or a stui Honour brilliant and bright as their boots” patent leather, Men who stoop to no and scorn all chieane, But of fact, pro and con, strietly weigh every feather, To the inflaibosianal part of a — Sing, over the left, Xe. Don’t tell me of the Bench—how unsullied the ermine, What a spotless peruke clothes my Lord Judge's head T had rather that Colonels my case should determine, | prefer much the coat of immaculate red— As for Serjeants at Law, this persuasion I’m firm in, | [t were better to have Sergeant-Majors instead. Sing, over the left, &c. May [ never be dragged into vile Nisi Prius / ‘Try my cause without cavil, or quibble, or quirk, Let my judges have minds that are warped by no bias, And my questions not suffer a witness to shirk. Yes, let officers, yes, boys, let gentlemen try us, Who have hearts above dirty and underhand work. Sing, over the leit, &c. For of every attempt to intimidate, bully, Or embarrass a pris’ner, incapable quite, They will bid you speak boldly, and hear you out fully, Being free from impatience, and passion, and spite, And without fear or fayour, and justly — truly, . Will that sentence pronounce which they feel to be right. Sing, over the left, &e. From the Sessions defend me, and from the Assizes, By my peers be it never my lot to be tried I don’t care for that right which each Englishman prizes, Of our free constitution the glory and pride : A’ Court Martial the rarest of courts in my eyes is ; No such other we’ve had since Jupexz J urrzexies died. Sing, over the left, &c. Interesting Habits of Ministers. Mr. Giapstone, when he buys a bundle of asparagus, begins by dividing it into “ three heads.” Loxp Joun Russet, before doing anything, always looks into Magna Charta, to see if he is justified in doing it. He will not even take a walk, unless he has t woroughly convinced “himself that it is a perfectly “ Constitutional ” one. IRISH BACON, InviaNnD has long enjoyed a peculiar celebrity for its hogs, but it has now produced a Philosopher who bids fair to rival the Hnglish Bacom. Mur. Canpen, of Barnane, has exhibited himself to the world as the great practical exponent of the Abductive Philosophy. A Day of Settlement. Mr. Burervess, being pressed exceedingly hard by his creditors to fix a date for the payment of his debts, has named “the day when the Russians evacuate the Principalities.” The date, he coniesses, is a little uncertain, but, if agreed to, he is willing to mise most solemnly that he will not think of asking for any f extension of time.

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58 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | | } ‘fue » spreetet GORGEOUS SPECTACLE. Sarah Jane. “ On, Betsy, Comm 'ere, and Baina Hisapettgr! We ov THe 'Orses!!” CRUEL TREATMENT OF A RESPECTABLE PERSON. To Mr. Punch. “Sm, “ Tere is much said about the humanity displayed nowadays in war. Enemies are treated with the most friendly consideration, and belligerent armies proceed to the cutting of one another’s throats, and the blowing out of one another’s brains, with the most exquisite politeness. “ Tlow comes it, that' in our catalogue of things deserving of con- | sideration in war-time, we have not included ‘respectable persons ?’ * Respectable persons,’ as the name implies, are eminently persons to | he treated with respect. ‘This holds of all —— persons ; but how much more does it apply where respectable persons are also officials ? I have read, with equal pain and surprise, in the Zimes of August lst, in a letter from Baro Sound, how— “* Cartan Sutirvas, being on shore to day, has captured a veay Resrecrasre Pensox (8% A GRERW CoaT, WITH Baass BUTTONS, He says that he is the Sunairr or Tue Panton, and a Consul.’ “ In other accounts of the same incident I find this respected person variously described as ‘a policeman,’ ‘ a general officer,’ ‘a beadle, ‘a dignitary of the church, and ‘ a high-bailiff’ Bay suddenly cut short by the appearance of a boat’s crew of Russian privateersmen, and himeclf—leced hat, official coat, staff and all—car- ried off to St. Petersburg, and exhibited to the jeers of a brutal popu- lace, ever glad to insult dignity in distress—perhaps to the taunts ' of the Russian little boys—a class at all times difficult to impress with awe, Nay, the stern and solitary policeman of Herne Bay, or the gallant though stout artilleryman, who constitutes the garrison of Brighton, is not safe, from this moment, if reprisals should be attempted by the enemy. Kealty, to read the ‘respectable persons’ were a kind of birds, to be and green coats with brass buttons, a plumage to be described by the naturalist. This respectable individual probably ieagines that his green coat and brass buttons rendered his person sacred. Perhaps he was digesting a sober meal —per: like the policeman of Herne Bay, or the Brighton artilleryman to whom I have referred. “Inthe name of the order to which I belong, I call upon the authorities at home to interfere and insist on Cartas Suturvan ag) ‘ ly to | -n to himself. “ Conceive the feelings of a British beadle, who having gone down to | property to have taken to himes Ramsgate for the benetit of sea-air, should find his walk to Pegwell | ph, one would think | ged at pleasure— | protecting a peaceful population, | THE CZAR’S NIGHT THOUGHTS. ' Tis midnight—all is deadly still— And I this silence dwell within ; I, by whose solitary will The world is roaring with the dia Of myriads that each other kill, Because I am resolved to win! Their howlings cannot reach me here, Though far as Heaven they migiit ascend, If Heaven indeed had any ear To hear, or, hearing, would attend. But Heaven if we begin to fear, Then everything is at an end ! What groans, what agonising cries, What yells, what ravings of despair, In torment what a world of eyes Uplifted, plead against me there ; For my confusion thither flies How many a curse—how many a prayer! I sometimes think there is a Power Above—and then again I doabt. Could I exist a single hour In outraged Europe’s face, without ? Would men before me crawl and cower ? Yes—there ’s a Heaven, and ] ’m its Knout ! And am I, like my hangman’s thong, Commissioned a. flesh to tear In chastisement for human wrorg, Until mankind no more can bear : Then, soaked in gore, endured too long, Cast by Eternal Justice—W nexe ? Tue Preasantest Rinotne ry one’s Ears.— Ihe Dinner-Bell. restoring this man to his home and his official duties. The British beadle recognises in him a man and a brother. He may be a sheriff— perhaps a high-sheriff. Finland may be advanced enough in civilisa- | tion to comprehend how admirably these higher functions may be com- | bined with the much-misunderstood and sadly undervalued duties of Beadledom. 77 “ At all events, I claim your sympathy for my Finnish brother, thus rudely arrested, in the green coat and brass buttons of civil wdileship, and | declare that I, for one, will be ready to hold out to him the right hand of fellowship on his arrival, as a prisoner, on these shores. “] remain, Mr. Punch, yours obediently, am “Joux Bums, | “( Beadle and Pew-opener of St. Candlestick-cum-snuffers, Vintry Ward without).” } The Greatest Event of the Present Session. We think that the greatest event that has tsken place during this | Session occurred on Friday evening, July the 28th, when BenJsamMix Disraewi actually passed a vote of censure upon himself! This censure was for having passed a censure upon the Government, which he ought The vote being put by the Right Honourable Gentleman, was carried without a division. At the con- clusion of his speech, the talented Ex-Minister was surrounded by his my and warmly congratulated upon the flattering unanimity of the | ouse. A RELIGION THAT NO ONE OWNS. Tax worst thing that can be said against Puseyism is that you never | hy any accident any one openly avow that he is a Puseyite. Surely that must be a strange religion that even its followers, who | practise it most, are ashamed to confess they belong to it. Susrexpep Anuwation.—The English for “ Parachute.”— Punch’s Dnetionary. SaBBaTARIAN PuiLosopuy.—The Philosophy of Cayr. Get Ur.—Stopping in bed too long is decidedly bad for the temper | —even Port Wine gets crustier the longer it has Loss lying down.

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HOW TO BEAT THE RUSSIANS. “ Varna, Aug. 10. HE following spirited address to the British Army serving jn the East has been issue from Head Quarters :— “ Soldiers !—In the con- flict which you are about to sustain with the forces of the greatest military power of Europe in point of num- bers, your Qvugen and country trust you will never desert your colours, by wearing any that are con- trary to regulation. “Whether in the face of the enemy, or encamped side by side with your aljies, your officers will never un- putton their shell jackets, and allow them to fly open, showing underneath a red flannel shirt. The bosom of the British Officer, his jacket buttoned bravely over it up to the chin,-will never betray the shirt to friend or foe. He will set his men the example of wearing a white collar and a black stock. He will avoid all plaids that are not strictly regimental, and leave checks to be experienced by the Russians. He will never put on aturban over his forage cap under the hottest fire of the sun ; and having been commanded to draw the sword, he will know how to wear it. “Tn facing the enemy you will show that face which has always been shown by the British soldier. That is, you will display as much of it as possible ; you will, with the regulated exceptions, remove all hair from your upper lips, and shave your chins. * You will put on your uniforms with that care and attention which will enable you successfully to resist the heaviest odds and the most vigorous charge, as well as to prove more than a match for the most crafty stratagems of your antagonists. . * You will pipeclay your belts and epaulettes with that perseverance which has always distinguished English troops in the field; and you will strap yourselves in the manner that becomes tight lads: so that while you strike terror into the hostile ranks, it may not at the same time happen that they cannot be otherwise than tonal by your general disregard of what is proper. “ By Order, “X. Y.Z. Frrzpruwmens, D. A. G.” An Al Presco Dinner (‘at Cremorne). Indignant Old Gentleman, Here, W aiter—W aiter—W aiter— Wailer. (running breathlessly). Yes, Sir. Indignant Old Gentleman, Take this cherry pie away directly. It’s impossible to eat it. It’s most shameful—why, it’s choke-full of sand. ‘aiter. Very sorry, Sir, but cannot help it. The fact is, Six, it’s the ballast from the balloon, Sir, that’s just gone up. LEGAL DESTITUTION, Suxyce Taverns and Coffee-Houses in the City write up “No Fees given to the Waiters,” Messrs. Barertess and Dunvp deelare that, considering the little practice there is at the Bar, a somewhat similar placard might, in better truth be hung up over all the Law Courts, viz.: “No Fezs Given to Counse.” Tender Solicitude. (Being an Extraet from a fashionable young Lady's farewell Agonising Letter.) “On! Cuartes dear, they tell me you are ordered off to the Theatre of War. I beg of yon therefore, dear, as you love me, to bear in mind one thing—and that is, above all, not to forget to take your opera-glass with you, for | know myself how extremely inconvenient it is to go to the Theatre without one.” , A GRAND SUBJECT FOR A PICTURE. Cuapwicx flinging himself, like a second Quretus Curtis, into one of his own sewers, for the benefit of his country—N.B. The picture might be drawn on the Board of Health. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL hedl THE DOG-DAYS AT THE BLUECOAT SCHOOL. Tue late hot weather has been peculiarly trying to the dogs and the Bluecoat Boys of the City of London, but though precautions against hydrophobia were a em | no measures were taken to prevent the boys |from going mad. This remark is addressed to the Governors of Christ’s Hospital, who will require no apology for mentioning the schclars of their institution along with dogs. Are not those scholars objects of charity, and, as such, entitled to no more consideration than so many whelps ? However, it cannot be denied that they deserve as much. Now, dogs have been emancipated from the servitude of the coster- monger, and must no longer be employed in drawing trucks. Certainly it does not follow that Bluecoat Boys should be released from their tasks. No; but Greek and Latin are diaphoretic work at any time, as a city alderman might ascertain if he would try the declension of Musa, or endeavour to master 4,4, 7. If he attempted such exertion on a moderately warm day, his worship would certainly find it necessary to take off his gown. Can it therefore be right that a poor lad should be compelled to fag at Sattust, Vier ry, Cicero, Xenopnon, Tuvcyrprpes, Homer, Alscuyius and Evrierpes, in a frying atmo- sphere, and under a weight of woollen clothes? This is really treating the boy worse than a dog, and those who subject the former to such treatment in hot weather had better muzzle bim like the latter, for the recipient of charity under such conditions might naturally be expected to bite the hand that feeds it. “Is the costume of Epwarp tae Srxtu a fit dress for the school boys of 1854?” demands “M.D.” in a letter to the 7imes on this subject ; and he correetly deseribes that costume as consisting of a heavy blue woollen robe, yellow petticoat of the same material, cap, also woollen, of the size of a pen-wiper, yellow worsted stockings, and shoes. In answer to M. D.’s inquiry, it may be said that of all the above-named articles of apparel, there are none that are fit for the schoolboys of 1854, except perhaps the last in the list. Perhaps except these, for the case may be that it is no longer customary for the scholars of Christ’s Hospital to seramble for their shoes thrown together in a heap after having been cleaned, and perhaps they have thus ceased to be misfitted with shoes and to get lamed in consequence. The cap, indeed, of the Bluecopat Boy can be worn, but only in the pocket ; so that the head has no clothing at all. The uncovered head betokens humility, which the Governors of the Hospital may think desirable, but they cannot be of opinion that it is also a good thing to expose a hoy to a coup de soleil. Surely the climate of the country must have changed; for a dress which may have suited the days of Eywarp tre Srxtn, is not adapted to the days—at least the dog-days—of Victonia Tux First. The only argument that can be urged in behalf of it—and mark how canine asso- ciations cling about the theme—is derived from what is likewise said to constitute the beauty of a bull-dog, its ugliness. It makes the wearer look extremely ridiculous, and it therefore keeps the children of the higher classes out of the school. The same object might, as M. D. justly observes, be gained by the substitution of a costume equally absurd | but more comfortable. It might also be seeured by the simple method of the Governors faithfully discharging their trust. But if Charity must have its Objects—that is to say its Frights— the Aldermen and their colleagues might clothe the boys in colours as preposterous as those of the Lory Mayon’s coach, and yet in caps, | jackets, and trowsers of ordinary make: such as a boy might - about in. The material might be motley if they chose, hut would not something simply mean and eommon suffice? would not fustian and corduroy answer every purpose? Some sort of charity-dress may be considered requisite for charity-children : but the Bluecoat School dress | is decidedly the dress of a much too “ melting Charity,” i | } — ———— Our Account with Russia. We don’t know what to say about paying debts to Russia. Tlonour among thieves is an acknowl maxim; bat the recognition of social obligations towards them depends upon circumstances. The property of a convicted felon is forfeit to the Crown. Government would not pay dividends to Jack Saxrrarp under sentence: and why, | it may be asked, should we stand upon more ceremony with ‘he Burglar and Outlaw of Europe? All we can say is that we owe Nicuoras a hiding, and ought to try our utmost to pay him that, -» DUSTING THE WRONG JACKET. Tere is a great fuss about the eostume of the army. We only wish our commanders would attend a trifle less to the dressing of the | English, and trouble themselves a little more about giving the Kussians a good dressing. | Ovr Cyrxicat Contrrsvtor sexps us twIs:—There is a Blue | Beard’s Chamber in every man’s heart, of which he does not like to } trust the keys to any one, not even to his own wife.—( Rubhish, Ep.)

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SS aD nos 60 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL NEW CRICKETING DRESSES, FRENCH TROOPS IN BRITISH BOTTOMS. Being the eral Translation of a Letter from Axatote Gricorx, Sernea nl of the 3me Légere, on board Her Barrannic Masesty’s rh » Hannibal, to Martis TovLourou, Corporal of the Chasseurs de F incenne $, ( imp at Devaa. “My Dear, ‘I write thee to give thee an idea of the life we lead on hoard the ships of war of the Insularies. {n the first place put on one side all thou hast read or seen in the journals, thy /feutlletons, the Dramas of the Boulevard, of the John Bull—that fantastic animal, as he has been created by Méxy, D’Enneay, Cozenarp Brothers, and all those gentlemen—and instead of a being, morose, taciturn, continually selling his wife by auction, always suffering from the spleen,’ ex- pending enormous sums in incredible bets, nourishing himself on a bleeding roast-beef, watered with a flaming punch, always clothed in the riding-coat, and the top-boots—loving the box, the race, the sport and turf, and detesting the ‘French dogue’ (sic)—figure to thyself an individual gay, amiable, careless, free of word (libre de parole), dressed in the blue jacket and loose pantaloons of the mariner, willingly making himself to our habits, though ficying alive our language (écor- chant notre langue) in a manner the most diverting, not eating but of the boiled-beef, and contenting himself for all beverage with a modest grog of rum. “In fine, reverse the picture, which has been held up to you amongst us (chez nows), and you will see something like the Joun Buu, as our transport on board the vessels of war bas made us know him. But above all, figure to yourself, that this Jows But is also an accomplished cook. I see you make the large eyes. It is true, my word of honour. Thanks to Heaven we have learnt from him, already, to appreciate the famous plum-pudding! It has been received with a lively adhesion, and, in the end, adopted almost to unanimity by our brave soldiers ! “The first day of our traverse, on which that frightful sickness of the sea rendered it possible for us to take nourishment, they have dis- tributed to us (om mous a fatt partage) rations. It was to each an enormous piece of boiled beef, accompanied by dry peas, with a portion of a solid and excellent biscuit. We have at once (fou¢ de suite) under- ’ TO PROTECT ALL ENGLAND AGAINST THE PRESENT SWIFT BOWLIY tood we were to arrange t each after his own fashion. But to this ‘eeded something juile mysterious i portion ol flour, morsels of suet, raisins of Corinth, in fine, what do I know? MHere we are, NOUS 0 vila tout a fait dépisté), regarding each ing each other—ashamed, as French soldiers, entirely off the scent other in the eyes, interrogat of an ignorance which it was impossible eyes of our insular hosts. “ At length repeated expressions, from our rew friends, of ‘the plum- pudding! the pluin- pudding!’ have revealed to us that we held to us in the r ds this mysterious comestible, so dear to the inhabitant. of Albion, alike by sea and by land. Enough! we had received the ele- ments—but how to combine them? At this crisis has revealed itself the generous instinct of those we have always hitherto considered our irreconcilable enemies! Mingled with our ranks might be seen the insular mariner of Albion, engaged, with a touching simplicity, in the task of instructing the brave soldiers of France in the mystery of the plum-pudding. “This moment has appeared to me sublime! I wished myself a Veryet, or a Scuerrer, to fix with the brush this symbol, at the first sight so tri vial, but at the bottom so profound, of the fraternization of the peoples! We have since frequently made trial of the plum-pudding. Some essays have even very well*succeeded. The great art consists to make it at once compact and light. It must be avowed that the greater part of ours have issued from the pot heavy, of a desperate solidity ( solidite désesperante), almost asthe bullets of cannon. Slig t indigestions have followed, but hitherto without serious results. "The morsels of suct have a taste of grease, at first displeasing, and remain long to you in the teeth ; but we shall reconcile ourselves to this as to other novelties. ‘ For me, who am of a reflective spirit, the event has appeared of a range difficult to calculate (d'une portée difficile 4 caleuler). May these bi llets, so succulent, be the only ones that shall henceforth be exchanged between the two great peoples of the future ! = * All to thee, Thy Anatom.” Bearine THE Market.— When cee stands up for dealing in Russian securities, it’s clear he cares more for interest than principle. Tue Best Scustitute ron Racs.—Bank-notes. for us to conceal from the | Printed by Wilicm Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Webarn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, and Predcrick Mullett Fve: «, of No. 27, Victoria Street, in the Parish of St. Margaret and St. John, We -1minster, both in the County of Middlesex, Printe « at their Odice im Lombard Cuy of Leadoa —Saruapat, Auge t (2, da Street, in the I'recinct of Witeiriazs im the City { London, and Published by them at \o, #, Pieet treet, in the Paresh of of ot. lriae, im the

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buh B iLe PUNCH, GENERAL SIR GEORGE BROWN DETERMINES TO INSPECT SEBASTOPOL. PUNCH’S HANDBOOKS TO THE CRYSTAL PALACE. THE GREEK COURT. Tuovcn Mr. Owen. Jonzs has thought it necessary to offer an Apology (price sixpence) for colouring the Greek Court, we shall offer no apology whatever for painting the Greek Court in our own peculiar colours. Without pausing to consider whether Minerva should be treated to a pair of blue stockings, or whether the hair of Venus should | be dyed, we shall dash away in black and white, combining all the und Go | of “a drug in the ¥ vigour of the six-po with the delicacy of the finest pencil, made of the silkiest hair of the sleekest and best groomed camel. Greece, as anybody knows, is next door to Egypt, and within, we were | going to say, a stone’s throw, but we feel that those who enter glass | houses should not be throwing stones as a mode of measurement. The Greek Court is approached LG facade, having three Grecian doorways of the Grecian Dorie Order, The visitor is, or may be, arrested at the principal entrance by what to the inexperienced eye would appear to be some rather strange characters; but the learned will recognise these S as constituting a passage from Heropotus. The unlearned will at onee enter the Court without | going through the passage, which, if it is unfortunately above their comprehension, is luckily so much above their heads that they can pass immediately + it. ‘There is over each of the three entrances an inscription of the merest common-place, and they are so far priate to a doorway, which is a very common place to have an inscription over it. ving nearly lost ourselves in admiration of the facade, we find ourselves rapidly in the Central Greek Court, which represents an agora or market-ghnen. The names around are those of poets, philosophers, and artists, but considering the place i names would have been those of butchers, greengrocers, and {fish- | mongers. The list begms with Homer, who may per he admitted into a market by virtue of the accuracy of his measures. Hirrocnares, the father of physie fe most di ing oe by the way, which the father meeting his p hn progeny with | rst man who made | Sa eva ae have realised the commercial idea | ile Homen has arrived on his Pegasus, | | ARCHIMEDES may be said to have come down to posterity on his cele- | | brated Serew, and his name is , no means ill-suited to a market-place, where he might have had a st not only for his serew but for those celebrated burning-glasses which were the result of his own deep ion. The Paintings on the wall of the Greek Court would seem to be hardly suited to a market, though the subject of the Judgment of Paris OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 61 \of the catastrophe. A thi is a market, the most appropriate on ‘is perhaps admissible, where the bee: pippin may be offered for sale, and the Fall of Troy may be owed to pass, under the somewhat strained idea that Troy weight I in view by the heaviness painting represents the /nfernal Regions, in which the tormented are seen listening to the playing of Oxruevs, who must be playing dreadfully out of tune to account for the horror depicted in the countenances of the listgners. The subject of the fourth painting is Phidias exhibiting hie Model of Minerva, or in other words acting as 4 showman of his own productions. [t has been thought a happy idea to place this picture at the supposed entrance of the workshop of Pyrpias, as if the ancient sculptor had hoisted a sign, which should be equivalent to a cry of “ Walk up” addressed to the | people in the market ove e now enter the Atrium, which contains a model of he bs End to have cost of the Parthenon. ‘The building of the is one thousand talents, though its highest is ted in the | single talent of the architect. The was built honoas of Miverva, who was supposed to live cella, w her statue | was deposited, The whole of the ornaments of He building mg supposed to repre- | oO sent scenes in the life of Mivgrva, m nm, who, with all her ancient wisdom, not to have risen above the modern pictures folly of filling her own abode wi aud of her own exploits, | 1¢ Parthenon was in a comparatively perfect 1687, when | the youtiene Rape = ., and i ina w genres nearly all but the s . Parthenon ont of the Acropolis, and ¢ ied what Da. Wonpswontn called «Ant site in Kurope;” that has been mes claimed for | a Trafalgar Square, where an almost employed in rendering the finest site treme unsightliness. The frieze of money has been remarkable for its ex- r ing portion of the building, ‘ . frieze by painting it. This proceeding has been o subject of , it being argued on one side that the m order to be correct ; and it being contended on the other side, that those who would paint the frieze have a colourable excuse for coming to that conclusion, The result is that the advocates of the paint-pot have prevailed, though many artists allege that the colour should not have been applied till the subject had been thoroughly canvassed, It would be a tedious task to trace the progress of seulpture from the primitive.efforts of the wood-cutter, who hacked the human form into a shape resembling the doll of our own days, until the skill of the pom, Ma reached the culminating point in the genius and chisel of Puipias. This great artist literally played with the marbles that came into his hand, and he died in the middle of a game, for he did nat live to complete his colossal | statue of Minerva, which was so lofty that it must have taken half the | sculptor’s time to travel from the top to the toe, or even to find his way | across the bridge of the nose, if he to be making for the | Temple. APPEARANCE OF THE POLICE. Waitin in reference to the Police, asks a Correspondent of the Times :— “ Wonld it not be advisable to give them a short frock in lien of the absurd swallow- tail, which bas neither appearance nor comfort, and by that means afford men who are exposed to all weathers, at all hours, some protection to their loins, stomachs, and hips, as well as adding grace and manliness to their appearance, neither of which the present coat does?” It is no doubt very desirable that the Police should be clad in gar ments which would afford sufficient protection to their loins, stomachs, and hips, but there is a serious objection to ing them in any manner calculated to add grace and manli to their appearance. Most householders will be of opinion that the personal appearance of the Police is quite graceful and manly enough as it is; and that it | would be very much the reverse of an advantage to families to make | any addition whatever to those attractions which Policemen, attired in these present uniforms, present to cooks and housemaids at our area- ings. NOTE AND QUERY. A Connesronpent, who would much oblige us by contenting him- self with being a Subscriber, writes to say that he perpetually sees the following Advertisement :— THE MOOR AND THE LOCH. He wishes to know whether this is an announcement of an engraving from Suaksrere, illustrating the scene in which Othello requests Emilia to “turn the key and keep his counsel.” spat enodens tap a bottle of wine?—When she’s a Conx § wy” Vob, XXVII. H

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a 62 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE OFFICER’S OWN BOOK. “Uliana ~~ him down stairs in his nightgown, when he is placed upon a table, and in that situation com. pelled to sing a song. This pastime is otherwise called The Forty-Sixth Undress. is performed young officers, who provide theinselves bs a | Ber wey “ 5. Botstenmve.—This game i with Bolsters, and break into the bed-room HE following extracts from this little book of Military sports and pastimes may amuse some of our junior 1. Drawise THE —y = this game the ger is a Lieutenant, who gets into bed and Rerier to sleep. The errier is played by another Lieutenant, who catches him by the legs and pulls - out. The 7 of the game may heightened by using a string to draw the Badger; attaching 7 string, by means f a noose at one end of dang to the sleeper’s = Svc a Sone or Srxrence.—This carrying BAD THOUGHTS. (Written at Baden Baden.) From the little gratitude shown now-a-days, on weal image 5 cue over did ap-ect of "Little ‘by. little, as = travel ford Govaet life, do our whims increase oo become more trouble- some—just women’ s vera on a journey A girl at school would like to have = bivth- days every year. When she grows up a woman, she objects to even one. The me a Lie is the most difficult of all to trace- It is, indeed, a er knows its own Father! with the intention of repaying, for you know to | a moral certainty that he mtends to borrow was @ pa still you would More beaars are relieved for the sake of getting rid of them than from any feeling of ty It is a curious of drainage to close up all the = ont te to leave the Thames open into which they all flow They say OPeendahip i is but a name ;” at all events it fi not one you often see on the back of a bill. th i steange haw often it occurs, whenever a pee, Seale > pe See Se be & Scandal, like a kite, to fl _—, ly ike a Ki y we great on the length of the tale it has to carry | Spee CHINEsE Derrnttion. —The Chinese It does not differ from the sport of the same name practised among the school-boys. call a king conscience “a hedgehog with all | the — turned inwards.” THE PRESENT AND THE FUTURE—OR, THE REPORTER’S DREAM! Lw the gallery, stuffy, steamy, I was sitting dazed and dreamy, Feeling lite an utter bore ; While, with endless iteration, Newpecate informed the nation, F loundering, maundering evermore ! Such that weight of leaden spouting, Not impatient members shouting, Nor the loud division bell, Nor Apsiey Pe..att’s arms unaisy, Working wild in circles mazy, L ro a semaphore gone crazy, Could my lethargy dispel ! Faint and fainter came the tittering, And the rustling and the twittering Of caged lady-birds behind ; Faint the Speaker's “ Order ! ‘order !”” As, too loud, a Member snored, or Cried “ Hear !’’—not to hear inclined. All things swam and danced around me, Till the chains of slumber bound me, And in Dream-land I was blest— (Far from Parliament’ry pothering, And the gallery gaslight’s smothering)— Where sub-editors lave bothering, And reporthers are at rest. And I pondthered, and I pondthered, As through Dream-land oa I wandthered— Wandthered without pause or check ; Till, looking up, of walkimg weary, I found me in a desert dreary, Strewn with rubbish and with wreck. Tuere is a difficulty in the way of dis we espy a means by which she might beara not place a yacht at her service, and send Large professions, dropt when spoken, Pledges unredeem’d or broken, Good intentions out of gear ; —-*% projects, shrunk and shat- er’ Embryo law- schemes, torn and tatter’d, Notions into form scarce batter’d,— The abortions of the year! Here and there, its bulk uprearing, Taller for that waste ap Rose a parc hment val @ sabete ; As in Egypt’s ruins solemn, You may see a perfect column, Pierce the chaos at its feet. And I had a clear impression What I looked on was yam Session, Scant of bearing, flush of bloow : Wherein, scorning a, Such a force of coalitio: (Or as some would read “ collision”) Rose in fire and set in fume. Then I cried, “ Is this the harvest, Wherewith, cruel Time. + starvest Folks who waited to With such wealth of seed He sowing, And such wondrous hands for mow 1g, Is this all our six-months’ bread ? Said a * ds “You would be talk- While gri grim- cain: Sauk War was Cor. . O’er the green blades as they grew. | And as, more than silent labour, Fach loved arguing with his neighbour, For the sickle, came t To snip and slash—to hack and hew. “ If you’d gather consolation For this scene of blank frustration, To yonder valley turn your eye.” I lecind—end lo—the pleasant places !— I = a green and Oasis 6 ey *neath a my he ph Fruts of word-o’-mouth delicious ! Fall of savour to the si And I knew I saw wext Session— Land of promise and profession ; Forth I to take ie ewe its nich delights Fast as on my wishes bore me, Faster fled the scene before me ;— Dim it grew and faint-and thin Till its fruits im air seemed fusing, Colour first, then substance losing ; Still my way I strove to win. O’er the stones my shin-bones barking, With Sh pope my heart wa bie 1s ey Ha! A een “Ondet Order !” Id my note-book, and—oh murde: !— | Hit Mistuga Sraxse on the wig! eeemn Christine, not a Small Dimculty. of - om be A think | Consideri wee . Why | be any or nian Oe bastopol ? | hot, or how heavy ? no matter how “that she would fail in taking enything pillage, can there |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 63 SERVANT AND BAGGAGE OF THE BRITISH OFFICER IN THE EAST. | [From an authentic Sketch in the roe of Mr. Punch, REAL STEAM ENGINEERS. that a very great extension of acini will be animated wi a steam ; ther will, in fact, be engines ‘ constructed to direct other engines : and that this is impossible who shall say, knowing that an automaton has .. made to play chess? In the powers of steam susan Oe shortly ing made on the North-Western | them wil be realised the idea of Steam-Knginemen—a notion which to the public through the medium of | Railway. In a letter addressed the Times, “ Aw Encinzmas” makes the statement following :— has never yet been carried out. The North-Western Company will | find in them the very servants it wants, servants who will need no | sleep. To eat, indeed, they will being pls somewhat : but will want only the engines, it can be proved that men are | a little coal and water, ” which placed within their reach, perhaps system of working 7 engines wile oa the row! and in charge of « train ‘jo of | Sunday, making the total number of » had not time to obtain the least refreshment, 7 t —_+y r~ ‘a of demand passengers : ’ econom ‘of in, the only thing to be done’ yment {of one «-y~r e must, P the North “Directors of the N caty ool 6 vy a —_=ry ture i be men ~~ of Tron so far as they require “oe for e 7 | they will be enabled by the ng, of their contriver to he sip them- selves, and be their own sto They will never turn out for any | increase of wages, or strike, except in case of a reduction of the allow ance of oil that will be requisite to keep them going, and even then | will create no disturbance, nor murmur or grumble, but only run a little rusty. It will be impossible that they should ever get tipsy; as, | though they may smoke, they will drink nothing but water; or that they should be guilty of carelessness or negligence ; and if the sy should ever exhibit a fatal want of foresight, a verdict of manslanghte r will be y returnable against their a Call a Spade a Spade. Wiru a warmth of indignation which is exactly suitable to this hot Prmrag hes + ms - attention to t Py Feb -_ rigate having eluded t kading squadron © topol, anc carried off some prizes from almost pe the British Admiral’s nose. We are not in the habit of employing personalities, but we have - | certainly a prejudice in age ee calling things byt by their right names and if rach a slip as this should occur again, we shall be steengly | tempted, w when we speak of ApmrnaL Dumpas in future, to call him not Admiral of the Fleet, but of the Slow. A SENTIMENT FOR LORD PALMERSTON. May all who invest in Russian stocks be clapped into British dittos ! Taz Greatest Triat or Patience.—A Stammering Barrister | examining a Stuttering Witness in the presence of a Deaf Judge.

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es PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL A RATIONAL CONCLUSION, F anything were vesting to account for the insane actions the present Government, and to confirm our own too just suspicions of the lamentable cause, the de is now supplied by the following announcement in the Times of the 2nd instant : “Da. Forers Worstow had an interview with Lono Aseepams yesterday.” Comment on the mournful i gence conveyed by this short and some lation to know that, if the indiaposition of the Premier is not te Sire he tirely from his counsels, he attended by so 3 “. Winstow; and most s we wish him success in ayy | the ——« but bg Fey? a case, having been so neglected. TRICKS OF THE ELECTRICS. Is a capital article on the Electric Telegraph, the Quarterly Review expresses a decided opinion, in which Mr. Punch as decided oom that the instrument has yet to come into general use, existing system is a non-conductor to the wires. : As far as Mr. Punch can see, the chief object of the officials entrusted with the telegraphs is to discourage the transmission of messages. The plan is to make as much fuss as possible, and to insist upon the obser- vance of details with the same pedantic precision as if a request to your wife at Brighton to secure a bed-for Sarru, who is coming down with you, was to be registered amid the archives of the nation. Then the niggardly, petty-tradesman-like way in which an extra word is made the excuse for an extra demand of money, gives a meanness to the whole affair. Add, that the-prices are already far too high, and that, generally speaking, the manners of the electric shopmen impress you with their conviction that they are really doing you a favour in selling you a pint of electric fluid, though really the who pulls at Ave ivory handle and draws you Ais fluid (when you refresh yourself between the acts of Norma) is just as much entitled to give imself airs of importance. Mx, Brown meets Mr. Joes, salutes him by the title of old fellow, and also characterises him as a pretty fellow. Jones demands the meaning of the ironical compliment. Browy, with Anglo-Saxon frank- ness, explains that both he and Mas. Broww are perfectly savage with Ma. Jones for never coming near them. Jonzs, desirous to abate their fury, asks when they will be at home and give a fellow a knife and fork. Brown says there is no time like the present—he is at Dartford in Kent, with Mrs. B. If Jones will go down with him by the 5°30 train, they will give him dinner, a cigar, and a bed, and they can come up together in the morning. Jowgs assents, and goes off in a m to pack his carpet bag, Brow remarking that he will let the missis know. For Mas. Brows, though the kindest, smilingest little thing in the world, has a matronly liking for knowing when an addition is to be made to her dinner-table, and Wr Punch would not give twopence for any wife who has not, or for any husband who does not—if he can—gratify that liking. Plungeth Ma. Browy through the swinging gin-palace doors of the electric fluid shop, and going up to one of the pawnbrokerly boxes, tears down a form, and writes :— Lovixe Toppiums,—O.p Cnartey Jones Is COMING DOWN WITH ME TO DINE AND SLEEP. Satmoy, 1 you can. Icze.—Your arrsc- TIONATE DopDLEKINS, _“ There,” says Mr, Brown, “send that to Dartford. How much?” The shopman takes the paper without a word, and reads it over. Mr. Brown suddenly recollects that the familiar epithets of his note were feels rather absurd. “Put in your name and address, and the name and address of the person to whom the message is to be sent. Mr. Brown obeys the command, and writes “Joseru Brows, 13, Lauristina Villas, Clapton.” “That won't do,” dictates the other. “ , you veal Ge directions?” Paes “ Blessed nonsense !” mutters Mz. Brown; but he writes “ thir- not exactly intended to be reviewed by an uninterested clerk, and he | pock teen,” and his wife’s address at Dartford. The young gentleman behind the counter begins to count the words. “ Seven shillings.” “ Seven shillings!” echoes Mz. Brown, remembering that this sum | would pay for the salmon and the ice, and leave something im hand. “ How do you make that out? I thought you charged half-a-crown a message ; and that is eighteenpence too much.” 4 eens for twenty words,” explains the clerk. “Oh !—Ab!—Well, give us hold. two. Let’s knock out ‘old’—he isn’t old, for that matter. And we'll out ‘if you can;’ she won’t get it if she can’t, that’s certain. now, there are eighteen words.” “ Bighteen!” echoes the clerk. “There are thirty-two.” * What, do you charge for the address ?” n gent go without an ess, can it ?” “Well, no; but it’s precious shabby. Bat look here—you don’t my address—my wife’s is all that’s needfal.” tule is that you give both.” hy, I have only made twenty- | ” the addresses make thirteen words out of the J 4 make fifteen.” And he counts the words to ROWN. “ Why, you are counting the printed w ‘To’ tom.’ They | don’t go into the message; they are only directions to yourselves, in- | serted for your own convenience. as are our rules, Sir. You need not send the message unless you like.” “TI am aware of that, young men, mage Mn. who has an Eapichner’s distaste for being bullied at a bufeau. “ But I do like, I shall cut it down to twenty words.” “ Cut away,” as the clerk, walking off. “Five words. Well, I am bless’d!” says Brows, but we'll do it. Out with loving Topptums, she knows I know she’s loving. Out with old, as l said. Out with Cuaa.ey, she knows which Jones I’d bring down. Out with the coming to sleep, she knows I shouldn’t let him go away. She’d think of fish, out with the salmon, but women never think of ice. Stop, I have it. Out with her affectionate DoppiexKts, she knows that. Here you are, young gentleman, and there ’s your half-crown. “ Joxges to Drswer. Satmon, Ice.” “ Fifteen the address, that makes twenty. Four and Sixpence.” “ What—after all the cuttings? What the deuce do you mean? ” says Brown, waxing wrath, “ Porterage, a shilling.” “ Why, it’s only five minutes walk from the railway. And you ought to deliver the message you undertake to deliver.” | “That is the charge.” “ And what’s the other shilling? ” “ Why, you see, our line does not run into that one exactly, so the other line make a charge at the break.” “ By Jove,” says Ma. Baown, ~~. ommaling his manuscript, potluck.” Au he gistdcs through the ‘siw-palane tak is hance of potluck.” e strides t e gin in @ rage. It must be satisfactory to a benevolent mind to be informed that dear little Mus. Brown was not at all put out, but having been watching with a telescope for the stoppage of the train at Dartford, out JONES, long before he and Brown came up, she had secured the last piece of salmon which Gnitse the got, and also sixpennyworth of ice, and was ready with her smiles as they turned the corner. But no thanks to the Electric Telegraph. THE JOSEPH HUME PORTRAIT. Mas. Hume has been presented with the portrait of her husband, the patriotic, unflinching Joseru. He has already been forty-three years in parliament, a sentinel over the public purse. May he stand a century so! The portrait is a — likeness, subseribed to by men of all ies, from Connex, of the West Riding, to Disrart, Joszrn’s politically prodigal godson, almost of Marylebone. Lorp Russg.. made a capital speech, on presenti es and brave old Josera warmed into pathos in his . A portrait to the senator’s wife carried a happy thought with it! many public men have, as CasTiereacu said, “turned their backs upon themselves,” that to 8 int their raits, would be to paint them backwards. Again, so city may Alvy been cp punt self-secking in all their doings, that for them the fittest testi would be, duly framed in brass, the smallest et-mirror. The New Minister of War. Tats intment was decidedly necessary, as there has been nothing of the kind hitherto in the present Ministry. We suppose the Duxe or Newcastte was appointed Minister of War in ex contra- diction to Lonp Anerpeex, who is too generally upon as England’s Movisrer or Pzace.

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> “ = L a ~ wd L o - ws oe n't = SELLING OUT. A Question. “MY GOOD FELLOW, I THINK I SHALL SELL OUT. WILL YOU BUY MY COMMISSION ? HAVE If A BARGAIN.” An Answer, “WHY, THANK’ER, OBLIGED FOR THE OFFER; BUT THE FACT IS, ALL MY LIFE I’VE BEEN ’CUSTOMED TO THE SOCIETY OF GEN’L’MEN.” -—_— Avevsr 19, 1854.) , [Puscu, No. 684.

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Avevusr 19 18 54.) HE SHOOTING SEASON. But (@ Sagacious old Dog), “NOW THEN, GENTLEMEN,’ COME ON—DON’T KEEP ME POINTING ALL DAY!”

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| that t | rather t | herself to be in her do | which any figure dag than PUNCH, OR THE LON DON CHARIVARI. 69 BREAKING UP. (Song for Mu. Sruaxrn. Barak up the House, No more of your mag ; Ava to the grouse, With a gun and a bag. and plod wearisome theme ; line and your rod, our ‘And be off to the stream. Fling blue books aside, And throw up all re Mount your horses an mde: You’re dismissed to your sports. Go out in your yachts Having eut your debates ; Visit famed foreign spots, Or your country estates, No more By Leieting Sah air our drive, ride, or walk, You the breath may y repair Which you’ve wasted in talk. We : Shy THE PERPETUAL YOUTH Of THE WOMEN OF ENGLAND. Ir appears from the Census, that the people of Great Britain are the | youngest le in the world, We are not surprised at this result, and indeed we Poe wonder that there is any a in England above the age of thirty, Shich we are con’ have been impossible, had the pas oem ni make ae pr mar, te 7 had a — roof of the nume Xen ele party, to whic F counts that anal the whol ofthe belongs. There is such a tendency to youth ¢ in our female I that we find them rangin themselves under the different heads of “ chil “ maidens,” and “ op dh joyed under as as possible. verily ye that if if the wo women their own hy they would ‘never adopt the epithet “old,” should they even ame | be a hundred, and would class themselves in the category of “ second childhood | admit their arrival at the stage of anility. Such is the | female horror of the vale J, that a woman w sooner declare to have ye 4 na “certain age” y is ee to indicate ” as if juvenility were a bexary to denominations | Wuat 1s a Frrenp ?—A Friend is one who nag do, and puts | | on the drag, when he finds that you are going down dren,” “ girls,” “ Rim | | A VOICE FROM STOKE POGIS. _Saee Poets has long been * name familiar to our ears, but we id as soon have expected to i of J! one heving extracted a | Gis. soup from a paving stone one having victimised | raed the Sake Foams “the fans of of its charities, We Aig df gad sineeie peewee nothing Wat the . + pound, their 5 comm, virtues. ge sy known as Ae Hastinee’s but who, on cmuninn 8 Ly y= h bs g + h ~ mao, te eed te some years he prayers is own room, an inquiry, what had Selman of ho cheacl when service had not hous ote th chapel or may 4 bh. - ey Say roe ee *s " Bs taspoker teeing i Gieh e as tho chapel had been “The Master said that it had carpeted ond pen furnished for use of his Green ond icon, EES ENS SO UNS le age oS & Mineets of Geen, sacks of beans The chapel seems to have been devoted to the good things of this life rather than to any 7 Pantin for the next, and the Reverend Master to have used it for stowing away together his beer, his children, his beans, and his governess. A perusal of the statutes at the inquiry before the Inspector 7 have somewhat confounded the a Master, who was boutid b the 20th statute to have presented a pair of shoes and 6s. 8d, once 4 year to the visitors; but “those gentlemen then present,” says the a “ declared that they had never received either during their term ffice, so that the charity was in arrears to them on that head.” \° We recommend the Reverend Master to contract immediately with some cheap shoe shop for a large supply of highlows, to enable him at jonce to put this part of the awkward affair on a somewhat better |footing. From such arduous duties as he had to perf wring thas time be has used the — form, which con- | sisted of re ading prayers -\ his own dining- room, the Master was glad to escape for six weeks in each year, “ during which,” said the Commis- sioner, “the Master let the ho ouse for four guineas a week, and did not ypoint a locum tenens.” We have heard a great deal of the abuse of charities, but it was reserved for Stoke Pogis to supply an instance of a Reverend Master having converted a public hospital into a | private lodging-house. The number of inmates had been reduced from six to four, whose ‘magnificent ‘ “maintenance” consisted of “seven half-quarterns of |b and one and a half of flour every fourteen days for the whole.” The vegetables they had the gan privilege of cultivating in the garden “at their own ex and they were allowed a shilling a week each for meat, which at t the fesens ies — give “them about nine ounces on Sunday, ngee on uesday, nine ounces on Wednesday, and none on Thursday, ran and Saturday. The poor creatures were called in and examined, when, as might have been ex- om po from the possession of spirits broken by semi-starvation, “ they ad no cause of complaint, suet the deficiency of meat ”—or in other words they had no fault to find their maintenance except that they were half-famished. | Itis to be hoped that the “visit” which has been paid to Loup Hastinas’s Hospital at Stoke Pogis will not prove a mere formal visit, but that there will be no ceremony whatever in causii ‘a restitution of the funds of the institution to their netenate ms | = = = “ Get thee to a Nunnery,” he. &e. Tae Queen of Spain wishes that “a thick veil be thrown over the dissensions of the present struggle.” ‘We think it would be all the better for Spain, and that it would be the quickest way of putting an end to its dissensions, if the n Mother were to take the veil, thoug): we doubt if a nunnery could be found in the world that would consent to receive CHRISTINA. A Jownyey wirnovt Exp.—Entering upon an argument with a metaphysician is like getting into an omnibus: you know where you ~ apne to tell where it carry you. USEYITE MUSICAL TEACHER—A Reverend Gentle who is wie ane hs ane Se eae Bead we RE attending St. htsbridge, @ few lessons in the difficult art of clerical singing. inal it fasiveable branches Terms, ineluding the Use of the Responses, - + and : ‘pla yh 9" he Bisnor ov L-wp-s, some of our most an | the Opera. N.B. —Candidates finished for the Puse yt a tiny 4 Mode de Belgravie. Smart young boys trained for censor aud business, aod an active candle-snuffer wanted with s high tenor voice. Behools attended | Sante fe oe 6 Ge Sets. ee fee Oe | provided at at the shortest notice. Address to Monkshood, 8. Baawanas.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. — {| NICHOLAS TO HIS PILLOW. ; —= = Mr peaceful pillow, ah, how sweet hi —=———- On thee my head to lay, _— 7 An =i And Se oar on seat Vaud What work I’ve done to day ! Pt) || | -—— : Ny i “i Th \ — How many a head on earth there rests 4 " ‘\ \ ~. J h ne Ay ie Vill MINT: | Of men with bullets in their breasts ie it 6s My people shot for me ! — b To-morrow morn, refreshed by sleep, _— ‘ . I hope once more to rise ; But their repose will be too deep ‘To let them ope their eyes. Should I ne’er wake on earth again Where am I like to go? Not, surely, after such a reign As mine has been, below ! New Military Forces. News from St. Petersburg tells us that two : | battalions of skaters have been formed at Cron- | stadt. When winter comes, are to act upon | the ice. We have also heard that a self-taught | engineer of Aberdeen has submitted to our im- | tuous Premier the model of a gun capable of | e ‘ \ ’ ; ing loaded with snow-balls, to act against the | : ors ; |skaters aforesaid. Further intelli states | | | | that = — or Beg gre A is sympathy with his royal brother-in-law, to act in con- DELIGHTFUL OUT-DOOR EXERCISE IN WARM WEATHER. c - occasion may serve with the In er j Rowwiwo avren “Ayoruen Foun!” at Cricket, amrpst penmtve Saouts or “Now | Cronstadt Skaters, and drilled a tues, Borren-rincens!”"—“ On! On!”—*“Tarow ir tx! Loox snarr!”—*“ Quick! ad js ag force, to be called the Royal Berlin ers. with it!” &c. &c. where there is so little opportunity for social intercourse, and where the whole of AN IMPROVEMENT ON EARLY CLOSING. | yrsjolsrerty.tafectal fcc snoot be proved when both mind and body Tux late closing of shops has been found to lead to the early close | *"° **>susted with the long hours and fatigues tg day. : of the existence of shopmen. Humanity has therefore demanded that The foregoing passage suggests an admirable expedient for y ing Syed Ss 2 Swre Bd @ekew @ & oe es inwe a da ee ewm een the shutters should be put up betimes, in order that the eyelids may | young men out of pleasure grounds and parks on a Sunday, to not be sealed prematurely, and that the should be turned off at a| who consider that a desirable object. By abstinence from late s reasonable hour to prevent an entiaiely extinction of the vital spark. | you will give them time for recreation on working days, and in so far | Humanity has had one of these demands partially complied with; but prevent them from desecrating the Sabbath by excursions, or perhaps, | not the other. The shutters are pretty generally up about eight, but | py what must be considered almost as bad, by drunkenness. | the gas is not out till nine or ten. ese observations are especially applicable to drapery establishments; where counters have to be cleared, windows undressed, and dummies, in many instances, put to bed ; the young men and apprentices doing the work of the nurse, and being detained by that labour an hour or two after shop has been shut, We gather these facts from an “ Appeal on behalf of the young Men of Scarborough,” which those young men have published, and we are happy to find that they have fmt Fore to say for themselves. What they have to say, in addition to the facts above-menti is, that if purchasers would, if possible, never “shop after an hour before closing time,” this forbearance would allow them time for putting the shop and accounts to rights, and for taking needful recreation ‘Genoiier So that, if shops close at eight, and you want a pocket-handkerchief, go and buy it at or before seven—if you can. If your pocket has been picked, and you have a cold, that is another matter. On such an emergency, the shopman will serve you gladly. “In those cases,” the “ Appeal” assures us, “no want of polite attention, on the part of the young men, would be experienced.” We do not doubt that. We do not question that there would be an excess of polite attention. We are even sure that the young men who sold the handkerchief the superfluous politeness to say, “ Any other article i object to that question. It ought never to be capable to, ——OoOoOoOoOwn— SS $$3.—NRaea>qoa\>—>—o— “ Any other article ¢o-day ?” there is no objection surplusage-—and a query which bores. But to-mght that will stand over till to-morrow ; no article of any sort but the article in the evening paper! We know our old friend Mas. Harris will quite with us in this sentiment ; and we are sure we feel, equally with that estimable lady, the force of the i passage of the “ Appeal :”— are tume ame je dang Say the Nf COSTUME OF A FRENCH OFFICER IN PURSUIT OF day service. To the moral, on ; “ GIBIER” AT SHUMLA.

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| Nevertheless, the shop of —— might have fairly PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. : i “Dear! pean! pear! WHERE CAN THAT Stout Party (loq.). Srvrm Doe save cor to!” BEHIND THE SHUTTERS. “ My dear, these peas have no flavour.” “ Not a bit, my love.” “You might as well eat bran, my dear.” “Just as well; but—no matter—I’ll give it "em, It’s very pro- voking, my love, but—set your mind at rest—L’ll give it ’em as they never n.” Green peas are a sweet’ thing; like green youth ; it is a pity they | should ever be spoiled. Our esteemed friend, Mr. Dewtar—(no man as a Christian was pronder of the beauty of his pew in the Church of St. Oil-cum-Honey than DewLar)—our esteemed friend, we say, was par- ticularly fond of green we, and in the course of 2 tolerably and to himself extremely useful life, he had so educated his —and what it had cost for its education not he himself could tell !—that with the first pea he could‘pretty well tell the hour when it;was plucked ; whether at sunrise or sun-down ; the precise time, too, when the pea was shelled, whether a certain number of hours before dinner; or} whether, a few timely minutes before they were ~~ into the pot. | Now, as the Sunday—it was a beautiful Sunday !ate in June—on which Ma. Dewxap condemned the peas as being of no better flavour than bran, he had been much comforted by a sermon under the roof of Oil- cum-Honey, preached by the Reverenp Josuva Srickuepack in denunciation of Sunday bakings. A shoulder of mutton dripping upon the under ki was a fearful type of what the consumers thereof in | this world might—upon_ his authority-—take it upon themselves to | expect upon the coals. Mn. Dew a five-shilling-piece in the | plate that day ; and Mas. Dewxar observed to more than one friend | edified by a most sweet dis- L When the Government wanted a bis she spoke in a whisper—she only hoped that the Government would take its staff, and | make a pilgrimage to the shrine of St. Oil-cum-Honey. , ee ’ Dew.ar’s brougham roped, Runa almost ominous | for the Dew Laps dwelt in the beautiful suburban vi of Tomtittield, up its so fresh, so | | : z. i E § E ree 1 ; it was so rosy with fruit ; cool with the freshest and coolest of vegetables. % ing to do, would always overwork herself by herself to be driven to her own tradesfolk. She only dealt peagle of usimponchehle character in ap far as thet be for their station,—but how was she to know who was who, unless she ly bent the whole powers of her intellect to the inquiry ? ence, Mrs. Dew.ar drew up at the door of Portes. ge pene Porries was at the door of the brougham. = OTTLES, those peas you sent in yesterday ”— * Nes, my lady ?”— ¢ 4 They were like bullets. Youll not contradict it, bullets.” “ Quite fresh, my lady. Picked on Saturday morning, and shelled the very last thing over night.” | “ Shelled over night!” exclaimed Mus. Dewxar, astounded by the intelli ‘ “And do you think, Mr. Porries, that you can dare to hope to continue to serve me with over night ?” |_ “ Shouldn’t do it, of course, my ty ” said Porries, who began to feel all his guilt pening, wees him, ailing from the avenging brow of a Dewiar—* shouldn’t do it of course, except on a Saturday a” “ And wherefore on a Saturday night ?” asked the lady. : a Why, my lady, because you know we don’t keep open any time of a Sunday.” “ T should suppose not ; or do you suppose I would lay out a penny with an infidel ? But if you do A nen on a Sunday, and have to supply - — can’t you, at the last minute, shell them behind the shutters ?” Porrtes was weak—Porries was money-making—Porties was afraid of losing his custom. He had already been threatened with a rival. What was to be done? ii: We cannot answer—that is, not for the very truth. But it is ‘said that never again did Mx. or Mas. Dewar in of insipid Sunday peas. | asked no questions. Porrizs’ h shutters were, as —, ch : ; but who can tell what things were shelled behind the shutters Next Parliament, Mn. Dewzar intends to be returned for the Borough of Coseysoul ; if only, as he has been heard to declare, to lift his voice against the unhallowed Bill of Joserpm Hume—of the infidel | who would open the British Museum and the National Gallery after the hours of pay Perhaps, however, Mz. Dew.ar may be brought to a compromise : he may vote for the measure, with the amendment, that what is to be seen may be exhibited—behind the shutters. THE GALLANT FORTY-SIXTH. Hvrran for British bravery, for gallantry and worth ! Three cheers for English o and gentlemen by birth ! The honour of the army is not an idle t ; Fill high the pewter-pot—fill high—the Forty-sixth we toast. What noble deeds of chivalry the Forty-sixth have done ! How gallantly ten officers have I one ! What brilliant feats of daring! honour to him who led The six or eight who went to pull one ensign out of bed. What valour and what bravery the Forty-sixth displayed, When oa each other’s bedroom doors a grand attack they made ; When officers and gentlemen came to decisive blows, Banging each other gallantly about the eyes and nose. What bold and skilful strategy the Forty-sixth employed, How cleverly the enemy wan kepuened and aeaed ! What oplendid engineering! what tactics can —. With throwing all the bed-clothes into the barrack-square ! The boldness of the Forty-sixth! how gloriously rash ! What recklessness of character—what recklessness of cash ! How heedlessly the officers a sacrifice can make Of fame and money—turning both into a gambler’s stake. ’Tis true that England is at war, but who can with her cope When to the Forty-sixth she points—part of her pride and hope ? No wonder that the world in arms she boastingly defies, While she upon her “ officers and gentlemen” relies. Let ’s own that with the Forty-cixth no other can compare ; That in the Briffsh army its qualities are rare ; Upon itself alone, ’tis nght, its character should fix ; Let ’s strike from out the Army List the number Forty-siz. Physic for the Enemy. | A Contemporary lately stated that the Government has been en- | d in trying antimonial balls. It is necessary to observe that the alls in question were cannon-balls; otherwise it might be surmised that the War-Office authorities must have made themselves ill. The advantage of these balls consists in breaking when they strike their mark, and flying to pieces: thus flinging in all directions lumps of metal, which, being antimony, are of course calculated to give all within the sphere of their destructiveness a sickener. As Isvaniastz Roie.—Let the wittiest flag be said in society, there is sure to be some fool present, who, “ for the life of him, cannot see it.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. GRAND FANCY FAIR FOR THE BENEFIT OF DESTITUTE BARRISTERS AND BARRISTERS’ CLERKS. 3% Bar of England having is) for months past in a state of the greatest destitution, a few gene- rous individuals have suceeeded in getting up ' a Faney Fair for the relief of those Barristers and Barristers’ Clerks who happen to be re- dneed to the last ex- tremity of briefdom. The Proprietors of Her Majesty’s Theatre presented the Committee with the free use of the Theatre. Yesterday this Grand | Fancy Fair took place. Never did the beautiful building look to so muc advantage! The large chandelier was deco- rated with nengone bunches of re pe, | from which hung playfully huge clusters of legal seals, The effect at a distance was excessively grand. At the back of the stage was observed a most elegant illumination. | It consisted simply of three large letters, “L.A. W.” Many a legal | bosom throbbed with feelings of honest pride on beholding those three | significant letters, shining, as they were, in jets of the most brilliant | gas, and entwined, as they always have been, in their associations with wi: other letters, not less potent or glittering in their eyes— | at TE x In honour of the occasion, the playbills were printed on the backs of old deeds and writs. This touchmg compliment seemed to affect sensibly some of the oldest veterans of the Bar. One aged junior was carried out im tears. The Band of the Hanwell Lunatic Asylum was in attendance, and | played some of their most favourite tunes. At the door were stationed two venerable Quegy’s Counsel, who had formerly enjoyed the largest practice, but who were now reduced to such a pitiable state that they were compelled for their living to write for the Magazines. Their wigs, which was wreathed a strip of black crape, were pulled over their eyes, and in their hands they held blue bags, which were turned upside down, with their mouths gaping hungrily open, as though apparently they were seeking whom they could devour. Behind these two veterans stood their two Clerks. thin and mouldy-looking, holding up their fee-books, which presented as melancholy a blank as their countenances. From the books were | suspended large placards of brief paper, on which was written, in a fine law-copyist’s hand, the plaintive announcement of “We ne STARVING.’ Over the portico was a transparency of Lonp Epon. The worthy Chancellor was represented before the celebrated Turnstile in Holborn, pondering on which side he should go through. The front of the boxes was hung with the handsome material from which the silk gowns of Counsel are generally This material was of the very finest texture, The refreshment-rooms were decorated | with the common stuff that juniors delight in, but this was fluted most | elegantly, or arranged with at taste into famciful festoons. ‘The | cushions were all covered ik eee of a warm pas) Semowhat | similar to the colour of the usual bilious binding of law books. The general effect of the theatre was quiet, but imposing. The —~ stalls were held by dignitaries, whose names have always been dear to the legal heart: Mx, Jony Dor, opposite to whom | we noticed Mr. Richarp Rog, attended on this occasion at gre at | personal inconvenience to themselves. The spoeased in good health, and many were the regrets heard that they h retired so early from a yrofession they had so long adorned with their valuable presence. hey sold a number of articles, and the rivalry between the two gen- tlemen, as to which of the two should obtain the greater number of victims, was excessively keen and amusing. Mons. Ropert Macatre (of the French Bar) came ly all) the way from Paris, His stall was excessively patronised. his porte- monnaies, which were no sooner full than, by a coup de main, they were empty again, had an enormous sale. too, that wouldn’t hold water, amused the spectators exceedingly ; and a good- | flying backwards and f h | “Fhe | he, as usual, found he had no appetite. By the advice of his who was persuaded to become the temporary holder considerable amusement, in which the Lord Chancellor who was present | with his mace, joined most heartily. : A couple of stalls were held by the former managers of two Italian Opera Houses. Their contributions to the day’s receipts must have been far from contemptible. They waged a fierce war all the time | a bout a t bird jan Lark), that kept ; bacherards end aL sl 0 he oes, which neither 's song was “ England is and it wasa burden that seemed to oi them could catch. burden of thi jon of many a poor broken- only to be valued for its money,” weigh excessively heavy upon the down barrister pa - . ed sae of A picturesque moc a House in Changery excited a great deal o adulation and some pretty reduced copies of the same, with the windows smashed Goal after nature, ly Bes anny : It was the subject of general remark, that af this Fancy Fair, as at all others, “no change was given.” & note once parted | with, no matter what its amount, was immediately ted to the | benefit of the fund, and the owner, as though he had entering on a | Chancery Suit, never saw any of his pro back The proceedings terminated with the the well-known | air of the “ fn Se March,” (during present uncovered) the popular tune of “ 3 the the money goes.” The latter was the signal for every one to button up his pockets, and to hurry away as fast as The attendance was select and respectable. Messrs. Brizriess and Dowvr walked the hall im the course of the No Sheriff’s Officers were itted. day’s receipts must have been enormous. Ros.’ Macarre alone took upwards of £200. It is to be regret however, that it is always a matter of the greatest difficulty to get any accounts from that | honourable gentleman. The difficulties on this oecagion have been rather increased than lessened. In the meantime, the Committee de- clare that what little money they took was bad, and in fact, they maintain that they are out of pocket by the whole affair. But this | statement is stoutly disputed, and there is a strong hope that the entire matter will * thrown into Chancery. In this latter event, | the claims of the charity will not be exactly defeated, as the -litigation of the case, should it once find its way into Chancery, will fortunately provide employment for several years. to.come to several of our most distinguished, but at present half-starving members of the Bar. P.S. Messxs. Barertess and Doxvr have just received retainers | in behalf of the Destitute Barristers and thew unfortunate Clerks. | The Charity is in Chancery! The infamous robbers of the Destitute | will not be allowed to keep all the spoil to themselves. i. AN ELEVATED COURT CIRCULAR. (Prom our Prussian Gobemouche.) His Masesry awoke this morning with his usual headache. After an ineffectual attempt at shaving, in which his Majesty severely cut himself (owing, it was said, to the bluntness of the razor) his Majesty was at once attended to the breakfast-room, where, however, ysician a bottle of soda-water was immediately administered, and the King shortly afterwards took his prescribed walking exercise upon the | terrace. | By lunch time his Majesty was sufficiently recovered to enjoy his usual two bottles of champagne, after which he found himself in a eon- | dition to attend to business. Some important state matters being summarily disposed of, the King’s attention was directed to the Eastern | question, which, with some facetiousness, he remarked he really could’nt answer. It being afterwards announced that the French and English ambassadors had urgently solicited an audience, bis Majesty was graciously pleased to observe that they might call again to-morrow. Immediately his Ministers retired, the King held a private inter- | view with his butler, with whom he remained closeted for upwards ot an hour. There is no reason to believe that the conference was other- | wise than of an agreeable nature, although his Majesty appeared a | little flushed and exeited after it. There was no addition to the royal dinner to-d of a few extra bottles of champagne, of which his + ees. freedom, and was ied to usual. bodeg, with the exception | jesty partook with somewhat earlier than Antidote to Clicquot. We understand that Mr. Saryssuny, the eminent manufacturer of | soda-water, has received a large order for that article from Berlin. In connection with this agony meee it is reported that an eminent German chemist and physician has been presented by the Kine or Paussta with a handsome gold medal, in acknowledgment of a memoir which the Pro- fessor had the honour of submitting to his Majesty on the subject of | ammonia, particularly considered as a remedial agent im relation to the effects of inebriety.

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| found it :-— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 73 SS DOUANE, Tourist expostulates: “On—n, come! Toe Sercar 1s POOR LE—LE—LE— FOOMIGASEONG DE MOR-MEM—YER FuoL!” THE TURKISH MUSEUM. (By one who has not seen it.) We made sure that this Museum had a political meaning hidden inside it, and that it would be full of political subjects that of late have been a great deal talked about, but which none of us have seen. However, we will describe the building as we expected to have | Casz I. “ Z’Homme Malade.”—In this case is shown a full-length view of the present SULTAN, in a very prostrate condition lying helpless on the Ottoman. A Russian doctor, not unlike the Emperor NicHoLas, is in attendance upon him, about to apply some very severe remedies for his restoration. Whilst engaged in bleeding him at the extremities, his hand is also raised against the Suutan, as if in the act of levelling a blow upon his crown. Two figures, attired in English and French military costume, are rushing in at the back, with the intention, appa- rently, of averting the blow. Case II. “The Emperor's Ultimatums.”’—This is not & very inter- esting compartment, consisting merely of heavy bundles of paper, each one being marked “ Ultimatum.” There must be several hundreds of these Ultimatums, and they fill a space somewhat larger than the | Queen’s box at the Italian Opera. ee oa Case IIL. “ The Battles of the Allies.” —There is nothing in this case as yet; a donkey race with English officers, and that is all. Case IV. The Seat of War.—This Seat is an Ottoman, that ap- parently has been very much put upon. An English and French General are extended at full length upon the Seat fast asleep. Case V. The Protector of the Holy Places.—A tall military-looking figure, with long moustaches and spurs, entering a mosque, and carry- ing off the plate under the cloak of Religion. The cloaked figure bears an ugly resemblance to the Czar of all the Russias. Case VI. A Jar of Caviare:-—Captured by the English at Odessa. Case VII. Sebastopol Taken—in French Chalks by Lizurenxast O’ Remy. Case VIII. A Copy of the Queen’s Speech—in which the English Government is poten E Ree a Masxsty upon Silistria having been so gallantly defended—by the Turks. Case IX. The Panorama of the Danube—particularly those memorable spots at which the Allies rendered such valuable service to the Turks in their engagements against the Russians. Cuaracter or THE Wan.—We read long accounts of the Pury doing wonders in the Sound. The whole expedition to the Baltic ight be aptly described as “Sound and Fury, signifying nothing.” VOL XXVII. I A CASE OF RBAL DISTRESS. By a letter which may doubtless be accepted as a letier of | credit, it would really seem that the Seat of War just now night be more correctly described as the Seat of Hunger, so far at least as the British Army is concerned. The General in chief command there appears to be a Genera Fast, and | whenever a vacancy occurs in anybody, there seems to be no | one sepeinted to fill it. Dating from “the Camp at Mona- | stir,” the Special Correspondent of the Daily News observes : “It may sound strange, and perhaps appear incredible to people at home, but still it is a fact that the troops out here in Bulgaria are half starving. W hatever provision may have been made for the food of the troops, I believe there is not a single man, not a general officer, in the Camp at M nastir, who will dare to assert that the rations served out to the men are sufficient for their maintenance. * * * The men have grown so thin that their museles are in an alarming state of softness, I felt the arms and legs of inmany, and those not men who were on the Sick List, and I was quite tartled by their leanness, and the unhealthy relaxed condition of their muscles.” —— We surely cannot expect much service of a man if we deny him acquaintance with the dinner service, and although | our soldiers are in general obedient to command, it is surely quite preposterous to bid them “stand at ease” upon an empty stomach. The nature of the military man of course | abhors a vacuum as much as that of any other; and although | you may restrict him to “ regulation stint ” of food, you cannot | guarantee him “ regulation stint” of appetite. If the present almost, Total Abstinence System be ined to, we sivall find our ranks thinned by famishing before they come to fighting. and our artists will be sending home sketches of the emagiate English, lying in the pose of the London Street and chalking “ Zam Starving” on the Varna pavement, Seriously, though, something must be done to alter this “empty state” of things, or in speaking of our forces we shall be reduced eventually to call them our weaknesses. SINGULAR UNITY IN THE RUSSIAN ARMY." —s— uR astonishment is always at, at the small number of “ killed a in the Russian Returns. In many | instances, they have been literally | “ next to ing,” as the saying is, for they have actually not ex- | ceeded one, The fact is, Saonenes wished by so low a figure to con- vey @ high notion of the courage | of his army; and though, it was true, several thousands had per- ished, still he was confident that, inspired by the “ orthodox faith,” they had all fought and died with the heroism of one man. That was the reason he would never ailow the Deaths to exceed | that number. “ Where there was but one heart and one soul,” he | os frequently say, “there could not possibly be more than one y.” potent re econo | A New Cloak. A sew military garment has been registered under the name of the “Court-Mastiat Croak.” The object of this new martial cloak is to screen superior officers, and to save them on all occasions from mblic exposure. It has been tried in one or two regiments, and Ce been found to cover Majors and Captains with the greatest ease and comfort, but, if lied to the shoulders of a poor Lieutenant, it_ shrunk immedictely and did not afford him the least protection. N.B. One trial (at Windsor, or elsewhere) will prove the fact. The Proofs of Popery. Aw advertisement states that “The Fist Proors of CanomaL Wiseman are now ready for delivery.” We should like to see them. We have carefully weighed Canpiwat. Wisemay’s arguments, but we never discovered anything like proof in them. HOULD THIS CATCH THE EYE OF A POLICEMAN, it ia to ‘7 tell him that I am going out of town, and that during my absence, which will be for six weeks or thereabouts, my cook aud all my servants will be upon Board Wages, so that what he eats will be at their expense, and not at mine. Smith Square, Smithfield. (Signed) JOUN SMITH.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VULGAR TRUISMS. It is a wonder, when Eve went out walking, what she did without a parasol. Women are true to one another in all things but babies, and there it must be confessed they do flatter each other a Little bit. The strongest - minded woman shrinks from being caught in her night-cap. The one thing in a house- hold that all persons, ser- vants included, take a common interest in is—the Postman’s Knock. The Hen-Pecked Hus- band is happy enough if he were only a alone, but he generally has some kind friend, who is perpetually urging him “not to stand it.” The man who hesitates between mutton and veni- son is lost to all sense of the Beautiful. Ask all the lodging-house keepers—there never was +H) pe a thing known in lodging-house as a Flea! If you meet an Exeter Hall-looking friend at Cremorne, it is always “the first time that he has ever been there.” A man’s ruin is never the result of his own folly—it is sure to be the fault, or treachery, of some one else. The man who neglects himself is sure in time to be neglected by others. In fashionable society nothing promotes conversation so much as “a little music.” Ladies who “ never eat suppers,” generally eat the most. OUR EXCURSIONIST ON SUNDAY. Tue proverb that Necessity is the mother of Invention, was illustrated last Sunday by the devices adopted by the Excursionists to provide themselves with that needful refresh- ment, which, under the agreeable New Beer Bal they are prevented from obtaining at an inn, not only at unreasonable, but at reasonable hours. Hampers, baskets, barrels, and all manner of vessels capable of transporting liquor, from stone bottles to black jacks, were piled on al! the railway platforms anc eqummed into the carriages; the out-of-town omnibuses and steamers carried similar cargoes: and all the gigs, buggies, dog-carts, taxed carts, and other humble vehicles on the various suburban roads, were laden with the same description of luggage ; of which sundry articles were even to be seen strapped upon the top of the neat brougham, or occupying a space in the handsome carriage. The road and the river, in short, presented such an appearance that it might have been supposed that races were going on everywhere, and that the holiday-folks were engaged in the observance of a general Derby. The subject of this article is in the habit of eoig for a long walk on Sundays—after one o'clock. This practice is requisite for his bodily health: for his occupation is sedentary, | whilst his appetite is keep, and his corpulence, but for taking strong exercise once a week, would be CXCessive. He usually extends his walk about Richmond, because in that circuit he passes a number of quiet old houses; and still, shady avenues lie in his way, and other places and objects breathing a spirit of repose that tends to allay the irritation of mind under which, | from the contemplation of affairs in general, and especially his own, he generally labours. About the middle of his journey he usually gets tired ; hungry and thirsty always. Among | the old houses above mentioned there are some of a public nature. At these he has been in the habit of obtaining rest and refreshment—the latter including a limited quantity of | beer. But now their hospitable portals are closed against him on Sunday, and perhaps | very soon will be shut on every other day, if gentlemen, who can go to clubs as well as to chureh, being blest with affluence, and therefore belonging to the better classes, continue to legislate, in their present spirit, for himself and the rest of the worse—that is, the worse-off. The privation wh d ' degree : oe potiing enrages him more than injustice and tyranny, particularly when practised upon himself. He is a person whose constant and earnest, but, unfortunately, ineffectual desire is to make provision for the future. lt was, however, in his power on Sunday last to secure bread and cheese for lunch. He put a moderate loaf of the former and a suitable slice of the latter into a wallet, slung to a shot-belt which he girded himself withal in the usual fashion. On the previous day he had procured a small cask, such as reapers take into the fields: had sent this to “the Jolly Gardeners,” and got it filled with strong ale. He strapped this cask to his back, put a horn in his pocket, and, thus accoutred, sallied forth for his customary walk, armed with his trusty cudgel, attended by his faithful dog, followed by a train of admiring youth, and greeted by the smiles of everybody that he met,—exeept a few ugly and unwhole- some-lookingfellows in black suits and white stocks, who scowled on him. 1 has been thus imposed upon him has exasperated him im the highest | He ate his victuals and drank his beer in Rich- mond Park, by the side of acool and rippling brook, which sufficed to allay the thirst of his companion, who is a teetotaller,—as, indeed, all but drunken dogs are. His bread and cheese were somewhat dry, to be sure; his ale had | become flat, and eonsiderably warmer than was | desirable; but b is a good sauce, and thirst | is not vestige. ie therefore drained his keg by means of his pocket-horn; and every time he | emptied that little vessel he drank the health of the People, and enlightemment to legislators who | discourage the recreation which is necessary to it, by depriving us of needful accommodation on our Sunday exeursions, THE RICKETY CABINET. Shaky and shatter’d "twas, ; Worm-holed and batter’d *twas,— Never a trustworthy panel or slab in it ; All sorts of wood it had, Né’er a leg good it had,— Oh! ’twas the fustiest, mustiest Cabinet,— The craziest, shatter dest, Ramshacklest, batter’dest, Varnishedst, slackest-pegeg’d, Tarnishedst, blackest lege'd, Closest-patch’d, crossest-hatch’d Cabinet ! All had a pull at it; Joun Bricur went skull at it; Dizzy each knot-hole and crack tried to nab in i Now a leg dropp’d away, Now one was {opp’d away,— Till the wonder was how it continued a Cabinet. The weakest, yet longest-lived, Slackest, yet strongest-lived ; Making resistance most, Lacking persistence most, Never-dic, ever-die Cabinet ! Winds whistled through its boards, Damps warp’d askew its boards,— There was dry-rot, and mildew, and fungus and scab in it; Many tongues swore at it, Many hands tore at it,— All own’d ’twas shameful to keep such a Cabinet, So wormy and moth-eaten, Sluttish and sloth-eaten, Strange and unshapenly, Twopenny-halfpenn’ly, Vamp’d-up and cramp’d-up a Cabinet ! None had a doubt of it, Foul things erept out of it," Bred there like moths in a folded-up tabinet ; From the work to the wood in it, Searce aught was good in it. So every one said—yet it served for a Cabinet ! A}l sighing and squeaking still, Groaning and creaking still, Threatening to fall to bits, Yet shaking all to bits, Who measured their strength gainst this Cabinet. | Sure its upholsterer Was a rare bolsterer— Used to Wardour Street work, and a regular dab it, Who, ’gainst wind and weather, Still made hang together Such a set of materials in shape of a Cabinet ; But ours are King Loc days ; Else, spite of the dog-days, And the length of the session And war-times’ depression— Surely some one could turn out adecenter Cabinet. | -nevolent Noste Sacririce.—We know a be | old lady, who, ever since she has been told of the great searcity of paper, has discontinued wearing curlpapers ! lh OO el tel oe eee =_~_- of og ff & *« Se ees OM mew ee ee ee ee =«e ee eo

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| PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. 75 JEREMIAH SMITH AND WILLIAM STAGGERS. | (From our own Reporter.) By a singular coincidence, on the very day that Jenemian Surrn, late Mayor of Rye, was weleomed home, on his release from the gaol | to which he had been sentenced for perjury, and out of whieh Lonp | PALMERSTON mercifully let him, on the ground of Suirn’s bad. health, the procession, rejoicings, speeches, and other demonstrations of delight at this honourable triumphant acquittal were paralleled in Whitechapel. Bitt Sraccers, alias Jonzs, alias Brown, alias the Varmint Dopeer, was that morning discharged from the Cansrumton Hotel, better known to honest folks as the House of Correction. The Var- mint had been convicted, at the Clerkenwell, Sessions, of knocking down an elderly lady and plundering her of her-watch andipurse. The compassionate old soul, to Mz. Stace@sns for not actually potting a period to her existence, and thankfnl that an back her ‘at old watch, recommended him so earnestly to mercy (sueh is the indul- gent but illogical manner of women), that he escaped with a sentence, of a year’s imprisonment ; and on its being medicaily certified to the authorities that the Varmint exhibited s of inajpient dyspepsia, which might be aggravated by diet he did not he-was set at liberty, after enduring @ portion only of his sentence. numerous. friends and irers determined to reeeive him on hisextrusion from and, . aunt him in triumph to his lodgings, Nine-Eyed-Cat Lane, ardens, mind to part with his in i guest, drew before the prison, pa mere of the culprit's friends alighted We did not observe any Member of Parliament. among them. They disposed of the tedious interval by smoking short pipes, occasionally refreshing themselves with liquids which they had providently brought with r= oe mie beguiling the time with pl a See at. passers-by, ith sportive announcements, threngh. grating of the door, that breakfast was a vaitm and the muffins a gittin cold. At length Mr. Stacerns was shoved out, and was received with a wild hooray from his enthusiastic friends. He looked exceedingly well, and even clean; but he seemed by no means in a good temper, stared at the surrounding objects rather vacantly, and then intimated that his audience had better stow all nonsense, and cat it. Mr. Staccers was promptly thrust into a cab, into which five companions followed him, and their united consolations, and those of a bottle of the Ancient Thomas Vintage, which was speedily produced, restored the Varmint to something of his habitual sieaidity. The bewildered cabman, under a storm of emphatic exhortations from each window, drove frantically to Whitechapel, dashingly followed by the cart. Mr. Sracogrs and his friends partook, _ , of a substantial breakfast (furnished by Mr. Artcusone, of the Harp and Warmingpan, with all his accus- tomed liberality and taste), and the utmost cordiality and good feeling —relieved from sentimentality by a couple of fights—were the order of the morning. Breakfast being over, and beer introduced, Mr. James Crowzar desired to say a few words; and the company promptly requested that they might be very few. He said that their friend Staccers had got out of quod, and how and why was nobody’s business. There he sat, and there was his good health, and confusion to all Peelers. Mr. Staccers did not appear to see any reason for taking further notice of their remarks than by a grunt of satisfaction with the con-| cluding sentiment. But in answer to the general call, he rose and said he was much obliged, and that if anybody thought that locking him up | and talking spooney to him was likely to alter him, anybody was not a wise party. (It is possible that our reporter, who was disadvantageously | seated on a spike of the area railings, may have done inadequate justice | to the force of Mr. Stacerrs’s eloquence.) He added that he had cer- tainly been led into an error, which he hoped his friends would pardon. An extra touch on the head would have readered his prosecutrix. unable to say much about him; but he admitted that he had been weak. e| was all asses at times, but such a mistake should not occur again. He drank all their jolly good healths, and wished that they would be off, for he was uncommon sleepy. On this hint the party, and a band of Anglo-Ethiopians who had orming various tunes before the house, in honour of the occasion, r a many more kicks than halfpence from the dispersing . Mun. Sraccurs intends, at the earliest vacancy, to offer himself as one of the Churchwardens of Whitechapel. The Fate of Umbrellas. Wuew a person is carrying a cotton umbrella, it is, curiously enough never his own property—he “has just borrowed it from a friend.” if our own experience did not tell us a very different story, it would seem as if it fell to the fate of only cottom umbrellas to be borrowed ! TEMPERATE ADVICE. Accorpixc to the latest accounts we have audited, the Krxve or Prussia just at present seems behaving like a weathercock. he points clearly to the side of England, and the next is found sudden) veering round to Russia. One day It is diffieult to say what has caused this vacillation, although thanks to the industry and invention of “ Our own Correspondents,” there have, of course, been many most “authentic” reasons assigned for it. | That however which apparently has gained chief credit seems, in our opinion, anything but creditable: for it has been broadly hinted by some narrow-minded gobemouche, that His Majesty’s unsteadiness is attributable to. champagne, through tle influence of which the royal wigs bp gradual) — ry] os Die bene enka t is but natural, perh 80 &@ personage sho show himself at times-ali alovted ; but the Sovereign who can so habitu- ally forget himself cannet be regarded but with sovereign contempt. At a junetare like the presast, it behoves every Monarch to assume an attitude of firmness, to champagne is certainly but little con- ducive: andiit must in truth be-owned, that by his present course the Kise op Prussia mans. the risk of losing his crown—in England he certainly weuld run i one. In serious- ness, then, we would:advise His Majesty to take the pledge at once, for we Ts but regard! frequent elevation as the height of im- prudence. Uniform of the Porty-Sixth. Some mistake appears to exist about the Guards—a name applied by many people to troops not so calling themselves. Among these may be included the gallant 46th. This now famous corps does not profess to be a regiment of the Guards, but certainly ranks as such in popular estimation. If not disbanded, it will probably obtain the appellation of the Royal 46th Guards (Jet), AN ILLUMINATED CHDROH. Tue Puseyites have quite a Cossack’s love for tallow-candles, and one of the reasons why they use so many of them in their churches —decorating the altar and other places wie candles of all sizes—may be, that they hope by so doing to bring the Protestant religion into a state of what is popularly “sixes and sevens.” WHERE BAD SONS ARE SENT TO. Formerty the Scamp of the Family used to be sent into the Navy ; but we should say the system of family t ion was altered now, for, judging from recent Court Martial, all the Scamps must have been sent into the Army. HAS WOMAN NO ConscrENcE? Has Lovely Woman no conscience? or is it that she never goes wrong in money matters? At all events, let the strange cause be what it may, you never see the Cuancetton or THE Excnequer acknow- ledging “ Conscience Money” from a woman ! | |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ON THE MOORS. Mr. Puff. “My Brev, I Teryx.” Mr. Muff. “Betoyscs to Mz, I vancy,” &c. &c. Xe. THE MAN AT THE WHEEL, Wirn halyard and rattlin the wild wind is battling, The canvass is flapping from yard and from boom ; The hail and the sleet on the sky-lights are brattling, In the teeth of the gale comes the thunder-cloud’s gloom : On our course as we’re ing, the breakers are sounding, The water is shoaling beneath the ship’s keel ; Ten to one we may touch on the reef we are rounding— What matter? “ Don’t speak to the man at the wheel!” The rising and falling of the wind mocks the bawling Of the hoarse s call, through the trumpet conveyed :— For basins and brandy the passengers calling— There are orders enough, so they were but obeyed. | Her bows wildly yawing—and see-sawing, Now to starboard, now larboard, Loghennal we reel : To the fatal lee-shore near and nearer we’re drawing— What matter? “ Don’t speak to the man at the wheel!” There are sailors aboard her who cowld bring to order The chaos that reigns both above and 1 But ne’er fash your thumbs: soon the strait will get broader, And sooner or later the sea down will go : is hoary, well up in his Noniz,* B Pray Sy at ere we ’re all sent, by his gui , to Mr. Punch begs to “ speak to the man at the wheel :”-- “From your dreams, domce and dozy, Wake up, ancient mariner—wake w *Tis a time for brave not for talk pert and prosy ; There are breakers to and shoals in the way. * Nonts’s Navigation, Sailor's Text-book. pete the speed of Yet we’ve strong gales to blow us, a good ship below us, With a true British crew, hearts of oak, thews of steel ; Only one thing we lack—and that one who will show us ?— Give him space, in your place—’tis “ a man at the wheel!” “ Our sires have recorded what a helmsman before did— They call him ‘the pilot who weathered the storm ;’ Be his faults what they might, he was bold and unsordid ; Defied Revolution, and longed for Reform : The seas you are braving are summer-tides laving Calm to the waves with which he had to deal ; Catch a strain of his courage, and change your behaving, Or England will soon change “ the man at the wheel.” THE WOMEN AND THE ELECTRIC TELEGRAPH. Tne Electric Telegraph Company has organised a band of female Clerks to work the Electric Telegraph. Itisa idea to turn the | gentler sex to account by employing the ladies m a task which will give full scope to their love of rapid talking. _We have known and (unhappily) heard tongues that can go at a tremendous rate, but to talk as quick as lightning is a luxury that the women have not yet been able to enjoy, and we doubt not that there will be a rush of gratuitous | Clerks, when it is generally known that females may have the oppor- | tunity of talking by Electric Telegraph. We = expect a Ye increase of from the new arrangement ; for if 4 man can at | the rate of a thousand miles a minate, it is impossible to say what will | be the velocity attaimed by a woman, who can always run on far beyond most rapid male orator. A Ssor at tae East.—lIt is, or was till the other day, somewhat | to speak of the “ Seat of War ;” for the War can hardly be said to have a seat while it is at a stand-still.

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\ire=— \ eras Wy — *““YOU ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SPEAK TO THE MAN AT THE WHEEL.” | Avcust 26, 1854.) ([Puncu, No. 685. - —

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— Re a a eee wep aete “t SEP Er es We. ae SS ES eee ee ee eee _— ae

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4 THE FINE YOUNG ENGLISH OFFICER. ow I[’ll singa bran new song made by a practised ate, of a fine old English regi- ment that’s ina pretty state ; With a fine old English Colonel who sits up rather late And drinks his grog, while at the door bullied lieutenants wait, Like fine’ young English officers all of the modern lime. The mess-room was a precious mess with biekerings

and rows, j And frequently the officers would come to sudden blows ; And one would have a broken head, and one a broken nose, While now and then a candlestick at somebody there goes: _ Mid those fine young English officers all of the modern time. When off to bed they seem to go they on each other call, And burst into each other’s rooms, and raise a midnight brawl ; Puil’d from his couch a subaltern upon the floor may spraw}, | And out of window goes his bed, sheets, blankets, quilt, and all ; Thrown by these fine young officers all of the modern time. } But fun so fast must have an end, and words may get so high, That blows will follow, and may leave a mark upon thie eye ; Which e’en the Colonel cannot pass wholly unnoticed by, And a Court Martial must be held, and people will say “ Fie!” | On these young English officers all of the modern time. Now surely when such precious scamps appeared upon parade } As “ officers and gentlemen” they were in masquerade ; For such extremely blackguard pranks they never could have played, If anything like gentlemen they ’d been by nature made : These fine young English officers all of the modern time. ; : = : = A WORD FOR MR. WALKER. “ Sic vos non vobis mellificatis apes." —Ma. V1rai. | A Corrgsponpent of the Daily News complains that Mr. WaLker, the famous author of “ Gatherings from Graveyards,” has been left out in the arrangement of the new Board of Health. As the existence of any Board of Health at all is probably owing to the researches and publications of Mz. Wa.xenr, this omission is certainly rather like that of the Paisce of Denmark in the performance of Ham/et. It is true that at the head of the Board we have a very proper man; a man of eminent scientific, as well as administrative ability. For Sir Bensamin Hatt is something more than a shrewd, and active, and intelligent reformer. He is a man of science, too. Of course he is. Sanitary Reform requires a knowledge of the laws of health and disease ; of the relatiens of the human organisation to surrounding circumstances, and of their agencies upon it: physiology, nosology, chemistry: in all which matters, doubtless Sm Bensamry Hatt 1s well versed. The President of the Board of Health must, at least, know as much about the subject of his administration as the President of the Board of Control knows about India. Still, two heads are better than one, and perhaps the sanitary knowledge of Sir Bensamiy Hatt is not quite so perfect as to be incapable of being augmented by any suggestion which he might possibly derive from Ma. Watken. {t is, of course, quite right that the chief of the Board of Health should not be a Physician. ‘The medical faculty is not the faculty of common sense. Therapeutics have nothing to do with hygienics, and the Art of Cure is a different thing from the Science of Prevention. You would not consult the parish Doctor as to the means of keeping well; on that subject you would rather ask the advice of the district Surveyor. Still, Ma. Warxezr is a man who knows as much about sanitary matters as anybody in London—perhaps not even excepting that eminent man of science, Str Benszamin Havw. He is a gentleman whose public services are vast and unacknowledged, and there is every reason why he should be a member of the Board of Health, except that

|he is a Surgeon, and is therefore voted ineligible for “office” by the | gentlemen of red tape. It is not wonderful, to be sure, that a prejudice /against the medical profession should be entertained by political quacks. Nevertheless, it is carrying this prejudice rather too far to exclude Mr. Wacker from the constitution of a Sanitary Board. He is a surgeon—but he is a very able one. Is there no room at the festive Board of Health for Ma. Watker? = —_ = <== SITUATIONS FOR “ SOCIETY.” Ar a highly gentee! meeting, numerously attended, and including many distinguished members of the aristocracy, which was held yes- terday at Jewkins’s Rooms, to consider the steps which it will be incumbent on society to take in consequence of the system of exami- nations which not only prevails in the learned professions, but in the Army and Navy, and has now been adopted in the Civil Service, the following resolutions were put and carried :— | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 79 =~ —— Moved by Atcenwon Srnicor, and seconded by Jussawim Purrrs, Esqrs., That the examinations which it is now necessary to undergo in order to enter any profession, or to obtain any oflice or situation regarded as suitable to a gentleman, constitute a serious obstacle to the aequisition of that employment which the junior and other less opulent members of society are unfortunately under the necessity of procuring. Moved by the Duxe or Dunsiwawe, and seconded by the Marquis or GorHam, That the intellectual exertion required to enable a candidate for office, military or civil, to pass the least difficult ordeal to which he could be subjected, is much too severe to be endured by the majority of young gentlemen moving in society who have been educated to fill an employment suitable to their position, Moved by Sirk Cuantes Daworx, and seconded by the Hon. Mr. Lotirerton, | That the occupations which have heretofore been considered gen- tlemanly by Society, must now, on account of the study exacted by them, be regarded as laborious. Moved by Viscount Smrer, and seconded by Dvupiey SuikkeE, Ksq., That the anxiety attendant on the intellectual application involved in preparing for examinations is productive of an uneasy and careworn look, and sometimes of a tendency to frown and stoop, and other ungainly peculiarities, in place of that serenity of aspect and elegance of deportment which have hitherto characterised the majority of those who constitute Society, and are denominated the Superior Classes, Moved by Lory Drawzey, and seconded by Cartawy Lisp, That in the opinion of this Meeting it lias become necessary for Society to reconsider its estimate of the dignity of avocations and employments, in order to the maintenance and preservation of the principle which ranks as the most honourable those which demand the least industry. And Society is accordingly recommended by this Meeting to stamp with the seal of gentility the situations of shopman, and clerk in a mercantile or lawyer’s office: and to brand with the stigma of snobbishness and vulgarity all places at the Treasury and Somerset-House. Moved by Ean Pivsurcton, and seconded by Mn. Buckues, That this Meeting esteems the situation of an official Secretary as decidedly inferior in dignity to that of a valet-de-chambre.

The Lads of the Forty-8ixth. Or all the Corps in Her Masesty’s Service, the 46th ie that which may, with the greatest propriety, be called an infantry regiment, as the pranks which its junior officers are accustomed to play upon each other, are of a description so puerile. But we hope the 46th is not the Nursery of the British Army.

NAPIER NAPPING IT, We have often been puzzled to find out why Narren is so familiarly spoken of as “Otp Cuaatey.” We think we have at last discovered the appropriateness of the sobriquet, for the Old Charleys had a shocking character for going to sleep on their posts.

A STORY WITHOUT FOUNDATION. Tre Ganzet story is the uppermost story; but if we add to Ganner another T, we must regard the story as a base story—as base as any story can be that has no basis.

~yeemmeniaee

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| | | | | } £0 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE HIGH PRICE OF PAPER, | aed | We must confess we are astonished beyond description, either in | prose or poetry, at the high price of paper being still maintained. We | should have thoaght that the numberless despatches and interminable | autograph letters, which have been flying backwards and forwards hetween St. Petersburg and Berlin, and the endless diplomatic notes that hove been exchanged between Austria and those States, would have lowered the value of waste paper so considerably as to have lessened the value of paper at least one half. There can Lows been no want of aterials for making paper, when we think of the extensive corres- pondence that has been going on for months in relation to this still-un- answered “ Eastern Question.” What has hecome of all this cor- respondence ? As for its value, it cannot be of the slightest worth to any one, excepting to buttermen and trunk-makers, and it is high time that the notes and letters, being completely such dead letters, were sold. What has become, also, of.ali the Emrgron or Russta’s “ Ulti- matums?” In waste-paper alone, they would be a small fortune to the holder of them \\ A- is the lucky proprietor should come forward and throw them into the scales of public competition. PUNCH’S HANDBOOKS TO THE CRYSTAL PALACE. THE GREEK COURT (Contixvep.) Tue principal objects of interest in the Greek Court are the pieces of ' sculpture, some of which are so well known and have been so frequently | group which has come down to the ve | but he had no sooner raised his described, that we might as well attempt to get blood out of the stone of which they are composed, as to extract anything new from them. First on the list is Venwos Victrix, from the Louvre, representing that rather coarse creature, familiarly known as a fine woman. Such a Venus would conquer rather by her muscle than by her beauty, and though the latter might, vulgarly speaking, strike one all of a heap, the former might knock one over in a still more decisive manner. No. 4 is the celebrated Quoit-thrower, or Discobolos, of which there are many copies. ‘The figure is in the rather difficult position of throwing the quoit, which the sculptor bas caught rather happily. No. 51s a Warrior from the Louvre, who is generally known in England as the Fighting Gladiator, and who has probably been seen by many of our readers in the person of some suburban Signor, who “ does the statues ” | IPAY HERE 5 ata minor theatre ina suit of white fleshings, a wig of wool, and a countenance thickly embedded in chalk—a style of getting-up which is supposed to qualify the worn-out Harlequin for the embodiment of all or any of the “ classical heroes of antiquity.” No. 16 brings us to Laocoow and his Sons, from the Vatican. A humblest on the heads of half the Italian image boys, who offer us “Sicnon Mittone” for eighteen pence, or will throw in “Signor Suaxksrert” for an extra shilling, if we will take the pair of them. Laocoon was‘ the son of Priam, who attempted to keep out of Troy the wooden horse by setting up a pike, lance than he tound himself encircle | with his two sons, by’a brace of serpents in one of the most affecting | instances of a family tie that has ever been wit d,}The Annual Register (Vol. 58) contains | work of art is too noble to be idly touched by the fingers of innovaton, and we therefore can hardly excuse the officiousness which lent a hand to the elder son, who had lost one of his arms—the right—and helped him to a set of new tips for his toes, out of pity to the extremities which he had been reduced to. No. 25 is a copy of the Jason in the Louvre, which has been usually called “ Cincinnatus tying on his Sandal,” as if Coscissatus. | had been rather slovenly about the feet, or was in the habit of slipping out of his own shoes, instead of adhering to the walk of life to which he was accustomed. The mistake has, no doubt, arisen from the pro- | pinquity of the ploughshare, which was the only share of the gifts of fortune that Cincinnatus wished to appropriete. No. 30 brings us to Somnus, who almost sends us to sleep when we look at him. So drowsy is the aspect of the figure that we are almost compelled to pay the highest tribute to the seulptor’s talent by shutting our eyes to it. No. 34 is the sleeping Expymion | in relief, from the Capitol at Rome, a figure in which repose and grace | are so blended as to present in this alto-relief one of the finest specimens , of out-door relief that can be afforded by the artistic union already men- tioned. No. 51 represents Tata, who has | been much misrepresented by the | modern writers of comedy. e is | seen at the Crystal Palace with a 7 mask in one hand and a roll in the , 4 other—the roll probably containing | some of that fancy bred in her brain, ' though the mask does not present any very agreeable features. | | No. 65 is a diminutive philosopher from Munich, who from the } {smallness of his size, was probably one of those philosophers who are |not destined to make a very great figure. The head does not belong | \to the body, but this is natural enough, for many a philosopher has lost | his head, which, under such circumstances, is of no use to any one—not | even to the owner. | Nos. 69 and 71 are horses’ heads, the former being peculiar for | | the arrangement of its mane, and the latter for the absence of its eyes, which leave us in the dark as to its origin. If we might indulge in | speculation without the aid of the eyes, we would hazard the conjecture that the head is that of some blind horse of the dark ages, which may | j|have worked in some cart employed in the removal of the dust of | antiquity, : No. 78 will be easily recognised as “Currp and Psrcne;” avery | | familiar subject, though this is the only specimen in which the figures | | are without the wings which usually mark their flightiness. The Cupid lis a very “old love,” and bas undergone a good deal of restoration | about the rose and chin—the points upon which age is likely to tell,— |and has also been supplied with a new | foot, which many an old Cupid who is a | martyr to the gout would be glad to be | provided with. In No. 79 we have another Tuatrta, ifrom the Louvre, with her head very | much worn by the action of the atmos- | Raere. One would suppose that the Muse had been accustomed to exhibit in | booths and shows in the open air, which may have subjected her to such an amount of fair wear and tear as to have | seriously affected her head, and deprived |her of that genuine mirth which in these days she fails to manifest. No. 119 furnishes us with some por- tions of the bas-relief of Trasan’s cele- brated column at Rome, with which no eolumn of the Zimes can compete in interest. It is a record of the | | deeds of the Emperor whose name it bears, and it is very creditable to | APoLLoporvs, its author, to have condensed so much history into a single column. At No. 178 B, we come to the renowned marbles, which have given a sort of monumental fame to the name of Exets. This fortunate noble- man came over to England with a magnificent collection of marbles in 1801, but it was not till 1816 that the British nation, after a consider- able amount of funking, was induced to knuckle down to the extent of £35,000, which was the sum paid for the of these treasures. report of a Select Com- mittee of the House of Commons which sat upon those marbles for a ? nessed. This magnificent | considerable time, and did justice to the labours with which Lorp

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Ex4rs had left no stone unturned, and had consequently obtained a| right to turn an honest : The Government of y, like the Government of almost every | other day, refused to contribute anything to the advancement of art as | a national object—a matter in which Governments seldom interfere, | except to be alternately peuny wise and pound foolish. Lorp Exery | was therefore left to i at his own cost, and to save | these marbles from the Tart, who wer in the habit of amusing them- | selves by taking shots at the , Which would probably have ended | im macadamising the streets of Athens, if they had not been pre- served to pave the way to a new and improved standard of taste in land. ei Fhene marbles tell their own story so well, that we shall not} insult the sculptor Purpias by pointing to the procession on the frieze, and — those figures are ‘men on horseback,” or “that article is intended for a helmet,”—a style of description which is justified by nothing but the failure of the artist to express his own meaning. _ No. 187 represents Niopz, whose boast, like that of a witness im a police court, was to be “the mother of a large family.” This reiteration of the rather doubtful merit of extensive maternity, rendered WNrosr such a nuisance, that one day when bursting out in her favourite PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI | of the auctioneer, it would be impossible to enumerate all the objects of 81 to complain to her own offspring, Arotto and Diana, who at once abated the Nrope nuisance by destroying the Nione children, One only was spared, a daughter, named Cutongs, who is represented in the Crystal Palace as attending on Nose herself, who having been formerly all fire and fury, became all water and for she took to perpetual tears, and after having been nearly all her life a roaring termagant, she ended her days as a crying evil. The group has been assigned to Praxrretes, though in some parts the critics to trace an inferior chisel. No. 198 will be easily recognised as the renowned Venus pe Mepicts, of which the original may be seen at Florence. This statue m more written on pe than any statue in the world, though as after all that has been said, it its own best in a few lines of beauty. The moderns have had a i two hands—in this work of art, for the arms are both of them “restorations.” Without descending from the pedestal of the writer to the rostrum interest in the Greek Court of the Crystal Palace. Ina mere Catalogue they number 217 Lots, scareely one of which can be said to fall under the common lot, for genius has given to nearly every one a sort of immortality. Were we to attempt to do justice to each and all of the character of the “ mother of fourteen children,” she insulted Latowa, | numerous objects that claim ouradmiration, we should be compelled to who happened to come in her way, b the whole of their aggregate famatiice. throwing in the face of the latter | anticipate a very important addition to the Lavowa’s irritation induced her | be occupied till the arrival.oftheGreek. Greek Court, for we should Kalends. JOLLY COMPANIONS. We do not object to the condemn the abuse of it. Drunkenness is bad enough im a man, but in a multi- tude i is terrible. What, then, will the readers of Punch think of the conduct deseribed in the fol- lowing extracts taken from a contempo- rary, without any alteration or addition in as far as the nar- rative relates to acts and deeds >— “GReaT Bacchama- Liaw DewowerTration.— Several thousands of day morning in Russell Square, for the purpose of paying their fourth annual visit tothe Surrey Zoological Gardens.” A very suitable place of resort, you would say, for those who make beasts of themselves. “ Every part of London and its suburbs contributed {ts quota to the general mass; and by the time the pro- cession was ready to staft, it was found that Russell Square, capacious as it is, would not hold it, and large bedies | Of persons had to move down the adjoining streets in order to give the lenders an opportunity of making a dignified exit. Every description of vehicle which could be begged or borrowed was brought into requisition to convey the enthusiastic votaries of Baccuus, and the procession was made of omnibuses, cabs, clarences, broughame, gigs, &e., headed by bands of musie, the vigour of which must have taken the aristocratic residents of Russe Square and its neighbourhood not a little by surprise.” This must have been a slight nuisance—particularly to any inhabitant of the vicinity troubled With a headache. who ought to know what that suffering is might have been more considerate. Besides, how could they tell that they were not disturbing somebody’s last moments, or the first moments of somebody else—and the repose of somebody else’s mamma ? “ Shortly after 11 o’cloek the procession made a start, amid the deafening eheers of the persons who composed it, some hundreds of whom were children, designated the ‘Band of Hops,’ who are bound by a solemn league and covenant never to drink waterthemsetves, and to discourage the practice in others.” As if children were capable of being bound—except by their sponsors —to any league or covenant whatever; whether solemn or absurd: whether to drink water or brandy. Such children must be very preeocious ; but an unhealthy posseiily is one of the results of gin and children who vow to discourage any practice on the part of others, but that of doing mischief or of eating trash, must have been previously seduced into an extreme state of liquor. “ Mr. Hovan, the well known Baechanalian singer, whose sudden and remarkable transition from teetotaliem to habitual inebriety is well known, headed the procession witich moved along Tottenham Court Road, Oxford Street, Regent Street, Pall Mall, Whitehall, Parliament Street, over Westminster Bridge, down the York Road to Blaekfriars Read, and thence through Walworth to the Surrey Gardens, where a grand /éte took place.’ What an intolerable obstruction in the streets they must have created | “« On moderate use of gene- | ™ rous liquor ; we only | toperscongregated yester- | entering the Gardens, there was a gathering by the Band of Hops, when each member was presented by | Ma. Hoves with his ‘ Address to the Young.’ Afterwards there was a meeting on the lawn, at which Mu. Hoven, | Ma. Gormowp, and other gentlémen spoke on the subject of Water in day there were salutes of } cannon, performances by various protessionals. | In the evening there was a display of fireworks, and other presentations for which the Surrey Gardens are so re- The whole of the proceedings, which were managed, were under the direction of the London mrarkable. very well Here were rare orgies! Tere was a jolly row! A mob choking the parading the streets with bands of music, shoutmg, bellowing, eager mer Fmd no ‘Teason whatever, and utter- ing “ ing cheers” to the annbyance, if not injury, of everybody except the aurists, and | Messrs. Sotomons—what are we to think of such a concourse but that it was a most tipsy rabble? What is such outrageous conduct as this indicative of but of being half-seas-over, ) three sheets inthe wind, bosky, beery, screwed, the worse for liquor—much the worse—so much | the worse as to be literally roaring drunk. We |naturally ask what these roysterers had been having, and what they had been giving the un- happy infants whom they encouraged to imitate their own noisy and riotous behaviour ? | Bat we are gomg too fast—like the people whose extravagances are above related. There | are a few corrections to be made in the foregoing —- from the ™, For “ Bacesanalan 43 |read “ Temperance,” carry out the same principle of emendation to the end. Substitute ‘ Bandof Hope” for “ Band of Hops,” and alter Baechanalian singer” into “Temperance ora- tor,” call the gentleman alluded to Goveun, | instead ef Hoveu, and reverse the statement |made respeeting his change of habits. With |} such exeeptions as these, however, we have faithfully transeribed our eontemporary’s report of the “Great Temperance Demonstration.” | The uproar, the obstruetion, the wild excitement, | |the tumultuous disorderly behaviour on which we have commented, are facts. Only they were | inot, at least they professedly were not, the results of intoxieatmg drink. They were meant for manifestations of total abstinence ; on behalf of which they afford just this argument, that the great mass of teetotallers can make as great fools of themselves on water as other people can be made by aleoholie fluids, and | get as tipsy on tea, or on nothing, as ordinary | mdividuals can on wine and grog. Thus a tee- totaller might be considered to be a person | who abstains from fermented liqnors because he can be sufficiently drunk without them. | ell | “ ABERDEEN’S SYSTEM OF WARFARE. Trrowixe away the sword, and keeping the scabbard.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

| hes .< } lig | ‘| ha. | Ny =——a)f iW { y 4 \ ie @ \ PRIVATE OPINION. Lieutenant Whobhle (who has just been embodied). “Han! Tats 18 SOMETHING LIKE! INFINITELY BETTER THAN THE RIDICULOUS OLD Coateg!!” THE ROMANCE OF THE SECOND COLUMN. AccorptnG to the dismal inuendoes darkly shadowed forth in the second column of the Times, everybody seems to be abandoning every- body else, and the column in question ought to be regarded as a species of monumental column, sacred to the memory of those dear departed who seem to be continually running away from their wives and families. One day last week there was a fearful catalogue of absconded husbands and miscellaneous runaways. The following appeal is rather deficient in that romantic interest which usually pervades the second column of the Times ; and indeed it will be difficult for the most morbidly melancholy imagination to invest the advertisement with much ideality :— . A W. (if this should be seen) is earnestly requested to COMMUNICATE * immediately with J. H. M, late of KR—fus C—ttage, at Golden Cross Hotel, Charing Cross. The only really mysterious part of this advertisement is the omission | of the that is clearly necessary to complete the word “ Rufus,” and the still more unaccountable gap which is left between the C and the / in the word “ Cottage.” If the parties have no greater secret than how , to spell Rufus and Cottage, they have ro right to take up a position amongst the crushed, the broken-hearted the desolate, and the deserted, for whom the second column of the Times ought to be kept sacred. The next article we have the pleasure of showing, as the linendrapers’ shopboys say, is replete with—with a—with—a—with—a——all that sort of thing which we but the reader, after drawing his own | conclusion, may supply ours. ] is the spirit of kindness, but proud, and knew pot what was 7 © revealed; if K. is the real quantity he wants to proceed, direction required. Post Office, Dorking, Surrey. Address to real name. We should like an introduction to J., for if he is really the legitimate | “spirit of kindness” we should like to have an opportunity of mixing a little of this spirit with the current of the rather turbid stream of our Cuy of Loatoa.—Sarvavar, August .6, 1854.

MEMORANDUM FOR YOUNG OFFICERS. _ It is particularly recommended that every Officer who joins a regiment shall have an i income besides his pay, sufficient not only to live upon, but to support a life of that fast description that becomes an officer and a 07 here be possible to comply with this n cases W it may not ible to y with thi recommendation, the young offer i is advised to incur debt rather than odium, for the latter is calculated to bring him into disgrace, but the former will extend his credit. Officers should make it their invariable rule to do every- thing like a gentleman; and this i y applies to spending money. Prudence is not a quality the cultivation of whieh is desirable on the part of whose profession it is to risk their lives. It invariably exposes all who act on its principles to obloquy and contempt, because by abstinence from gratifications in which others indulge, officers set their comrades a di example. An officer who does not s the whole of his income will be vaturally required to lend the remainder. Every officer of experience well knows that money lent should be regarded as money lost. The probability is thai the officer who borrows will, however hese may be his mtention, be unable to repay what he has borrowed, for the same reason as that for which he borrowed it in the first instance. Officers therefore bad better spend all they have, so that they may not have pre left to lend, or to get stigmatized as mean and shabby for not lending. Thus they will at least secure their money’s worth in pleasure, besides acquiring the name of fine fellows. It may even be expedient that they should notoriously exceed their means, to preclude all troublesome applications on the part of their comrades: and every Officer should remember that it is his duty, on any emergency, to sacrifice his tailor. : By carefully attending to the above suggestions, and acting otherwise in their spirit, the young officer may hope to insure himself against being alled out of bed, beaten with an umbrella, set on a table in his night-shirt _—_ to go through the sword exercise naked, ducked in his tub.

“Apvice Gratis.”—What a chemist, or a friend, gene- rally dispenses previous to dosing you with a quantity of physic !

own existence. We are sorry to hear he is “prond;” but we can only say that we are not proud, and shall be happy to make his acquaint- ance. It is natural enough that he should “ know not what is revealed,” for “the spirit of kindness” is not particularly knowing. A key to the next advertisement on our list would be very acceptable. T° A. W. CIN. O.—ALL’s WELL; a lovely Baby. Advise, on seeing this, to the old address, No. 11, or No. 173. Who can “Crx” be ?—and is the “lovely baby” the child of “ Crs” ? —and is it desirable at any time to follow the counsel of “Crs” ?— and is not the “old address” of “Crx” a locality to which no respect- able person would think of making an application ? Betwixt me, you, the Ambassador, and his Post. WE read in the papers that a serenade was given at Madrid to Lorp Howpex. Now this is a slight mistake—it was not a serenade, but a charivari ; a regular, good, continental derisive charivari, given to the English Ambassador in honour of his absence from Madrid, as long as the revolution was going on, and in celebration of his heroic return directly the danger was over. This was the reason of the charivari, to which we have no doubt the Spanish pots and pans and marrow-bones and cleavers did every justice. But we suppose that Lorp Howne is no worse than ourother Ambassadors. For ourselves, we always know when something of importance is going on in a foreign capital by the fact of the absence of the English Ambassador. Free Trade at the Tap. Tue closure of the public-houses on Sunday is treated by the Licensed Victuallers too much as if it were their question. e con- sider it as a matter that chiefly concerns the public, and in regard to the sale of food and liquor, we are advocates of the principle, which we wish to see applied universally, of Liberty without License.

Printed b y William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancres, and Frederick Mullett ®vans, of No. 27, Victoria Street, in the Perssh of St. Margaret and St. John, Westminster, both in the Coanry of Midd’esex, Printers, at their Odice in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whireiriars in the City of j.ondon, and Published by th m at No. %, Fleet Street, im the Parish of St. Bride, in tbe

a i

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 5 ~ae h Ss THE ATTITUDE OF PRUSSIA IN THE PRESENT CRISIS." Mr. Policeman Punch. “Now tux, Str, rou must MovE— ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.” FLOWERS FROM THE WEST. Culled from the “ New York Scourge,’ the “ New York Spy,” the “ New York Eaves-Dropper,” and other respected publications. (For- warded by an American contribut GeweraL Prerce. Gewerat Prerce watches with more than the vigilance of Hanoun AL Rapscarp over the population committed to his charge. Even the benighted negroes are not deemed beneath the care of the President. In order fully to understand their wants and feelings, the General is in the habit, about once a week, of blacking himself all over with best _ Japan blacking, and, in a check shirt and white trowsers, mingling — among the negroes’ festivities after dark. His own features, being of an African contour, aid in the disguise. Some merriment was excited by his presenting himself one evening in this costume at a brilliant party given by one of our Upper Ten Thousand, but any risibility was speedily ne in admiration at the truly manly and republican bearing of the President, which no disguise could hide, and one of the fairest of America’s ters, quoting from our celebrated bard, | exclaimed, “She saw Old Prerce’s visage in his mind.” When will a fastidious, bloated, crowned despot of Europe do the like ? Mr. Mancy. Our eminent Secretary of State, Mr. Mancy, is a pleasing instance of the superiority of native talent over acquired learning. Up to the age of forty-seven he could neither read nor write, yet he invariably dictated to his secretaries the most forcible and the most eloquent oes. which shame the puling and twaddling diplomatic “notes” of the old world. At the age of which we speak, Mn. Marcy, then on a visit to the Springs, succumbed to the fire of those weapons to which only a true American yields, the eyes of Jovely woman. Un- willing to entrust his di/lets dour to a second hand, Mra. Marcr addressed himself to reading and writing, and with such success that in two days he was able to read fluently. At the end of the week he wrote his now celebrated and beautiful hand, unequalled throughout the Union—except by that of the marvellous wriling-master, our friend JEREMIAH DownstRroxe, 35, ~~ le Street, right hand side, second bell, whose advertisement will be found in another part of our paper, but who is quite unaware that we indite these lines. ‘or.) | ‘fight. Ma. Bucwanay. Our despatch containing Victonia’s speech on dissolving her Cupete (which ons +~— mn tions t our envoy, Mr. BuCHaNay, appeared among am rs “unadorned but adorned the most.” One of the corrupt English journals sneers at the “austere republicans who adopt and exaggerate French fashions before they are heard of in ” That we go ahead in dress, as elsewhere, there can be no bt, and if we had chosen to deck Bucnaway in a fool’s uniform, we might have managed | to gild it pretty handsome out of California. But the aristocratic Euglish journals should know this, that Ma. Bocuanan was ordered not only to refuse to attend the Parliament, except in plain black, but to insist on his right of attendance in any costume he pleased, or none at all, and if the haughty Jord who had the arranging of the cere- mony made any difficulty, Mr. Bocuanan was ex commanded to be present in the clothes he wore when he was born. We wonder what the old world would have said to that. Cartam Hours. as much as our own), men- | Our American hero, who has just signalized himself by the destruc- | tion of Greytown, need not be afraid that the gallant deed will really injure his prospects with the government, although it may be necessary, by a show of displeasure, to warn other energetic spirits to wait for orders before burning down undefended towns. We have heard that when the news first reached the President, he exclaimed, “ Bravo, Hows!” and though Gewenan Prerce’s advisers have meanly sought to explain this spontaneous outbreak into a censure, and to allege that the President said that Hotcovs had acted like a bravo, in destroying the unarmed and unsuspecting, we can say, confidently, to Hox.ins, “ Heads up, Hour!” Ma. N. P. Writs. This slavish syeophant of European aristocrats, whose few free and glowing sentiments were washed out of him by the essences besprink led over him by the haughty dames of the Court of St. James’s, has actually refused to lend the aid of a single puff to the books of a female relation of his, a true democrat, whose talents as far transcend | his own as the inighty Niagara exceeds t he Windsor waterfalls of | which he is so fond. Such it is to become the conrive of Countesses and | the darling of Duchesses. If the the Garter were offered us to-morrow at the price of our independence, we would kick the noble who proffered it, and tie up our washing with the ribbon. Not so | Wits, who doubtless looks forward to that honour (?) the | next time he prostrates himself before the throne at Kensington | Palace. Let him show himself in it here, that is all. In the mean | time we would call attention to the cheap and excellent edition of the | works of the authoress in question, published by Bew Squosaies next door to our own office. A Rrvat Eprror. Jackson was the b’hoy. Yes, Siree, Jacksow was some in a bar But what was Jackson to Jounsoy, the elephantine Jounson, of the Slopjisticator ? Nothing, Siree, ’pon our veracity. Why, the animal waddles past our door like one of the Rocky Mountains going to have a julep with Chimborazo, What a pity that with all that flesh there should be so little brains. ash compromise! Jerusalem! Snakes! We'll tell you how much it is. } his article on the Nebraska | If the smallest gamin that sells our paper did not, at one kick’s notice, | swarm up our editorial stool, and knock off a brighter bit than Jomy- son’s on Nebraska, we'd instantly put him under glass and send him to Bannum’s Museum, as the specimen of the t ass in the greates Union. At present that honourable title belongs to the Editor of the | Slopjisticator. He is a bright b’hoy, and a ring-tailed roarer. THE MILITARY MARCH OF INTELLECT. Iw consequence of the practices revealed by a recent court-martial, we should not be surprised seeing in the Times some morning an advertisement to the following effect :— ILITARY EDUCATION.—A Gentleman, who has several vacancies | in his Establishment, will be happy to receive a few young Gentlemen and | Noblemen’'s sons, and fit them in all the P q Army. He is well versed in all the jokes that are practised in most regi- ments, and has flattering Testimonials of bis ability from several officers, wh» have attained a high rank in the 46th. The art of drawing « Subsitern out of bed made free and easy in three lessons. Pumping tanght from the living model, a tradesman’s son being kept expressly on the premises. A Menss-table on the Military principle regularly at Six o'clock, where Military Conversation is encouraged in all its original purity and suevity. The Way of Sending a Brother Officer to Coventry shown by the aid of maps and diagrams, so as to be within the reach of the meanest capacity. Gam- bling, so indispensable to every gentleman of fortune, a trifle extra—the pupil for the first three months paying his own losses. A Professor from Bex Cauwt's attends twiee a week, to give lessons in Slang and the Use of the Gloves. For terms, &e., Address to “Now ut Riconpo,” Barrack Yard, Windsor. N.B. None but perfect | gentlemen need apply. VOL. XXVIT. for entering the | ici

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Se PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE CZAR’S TWO FLEAS. Tor Czan or Russta sitteth alone, And maketh a sad and grievous moan, And with his two hands doth his two ears squeeze, And crieth “‘ Alas these dreadfai fleas | ” As soon as his knaves from the Danube fled, A whizaing he felt in his crazy head, Aad when the villains recrossed the Pruth, ‘L’ve a flea in my ear,” he cried, “ in sooth.” When Bomarsund in the Baltic fell, "Twas a flea in the other ear as well, So he belloweth now, with groans and tears, [ have got a flea in both my ears,” THE BRITISH ARCH ZOLOGICAL SOCIETY. Tnosz “ odd fellows ” the Archzolo- gians have been enjoying _ their annual “out” at Chepstow, where the river Wye has suggested a number of where- fores, to which the stream has we hope given a wise answer. The savants have visited among other places a spot “ supposed | to be the remains | of an ancient priory, and now the site of pre- mises occupied by @ wine mer- chant.” The visit to the wine mer- chant was natural and perhaps ex- cusable after a long morning’s prow old walls of Chepstow Castle, which was probably very dry work, but we disapprove of the paltry attempt to mix up a thirst for information with a thirst for something else, by the assump- tion that the wine merchant’s establishment had been “formerly an ancient priory.” The report states that there was nothing to warrant the conelusion, “except some very dubious pieces of work in the cellarage;” but a dubious piece of work ina wine cellar, is not sueh an extraordinary thing after all, that it should be made the ground for attributing to the spot an extreme degree of antiquity. We believe that we are justified in stating that the Archwologians discovered a remarkably fine old brick in the person of the wine merchant. In the evening there was a meeting at the public rooms, “ for the purpose of reading and discussing papers,” but there was a difficulty in getting papers to diseuss, for the gentlemen who had kindly under- taken to read on the lively subjects of “ the Architecture of the Castle,” and “the Karls of Chepstow,” had probably gone to sleep them- | selves over the labours that were to have been the cause of sleep in others. The intended readers were too ill to make their appearance, and a Mr. WAKEMAN—rather an inappropriate name by the way—kindly caine forward with a few rough notes, to deliver a rough and ready dis- sertation on the walls of Chepstow. He commenced by remarking that having tumbled over some bricks, he concluded there had been a Roman road, and having seen some more bricks he thought there must have been a Roman wall, because there was no probability of there having been a Norman castle. He then ent + to smash Strone- | pow's reputation asa famous archer—however adroit he might have | been at drawing the long bow—and wound up in the usual way with | apologising for what he had becn saying, The Archeologians dine together every day, and the Duxe or | Beavvort kindly sends them game—a rather superfluous piece of generosity, considering how easy it would be for them to make game of each other. oa a | i among e KING SMOKE. Kirve@ Suoxe was a vile old fellow, fle suffered no sun to shine, As he spread out his veil so yellow, The woof of the coal-black mine. Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah ! for the coal-black mine, For the coal-black mine ! There railed on him many a maiden, With “bl And her toilet with soot o’e From the reek of the coal-black mine. Hurrah! &e. wks ” in her weeping eyne laden The chemist applied all his learning, And the poet bewailed these woes, But their fuel men kept half-burning, Whence still the dark fumes arose. Hurrah! &c. They railed on the vile old fellow, Who smirched all our buildings fine, As he spread out his veil so yellow, The woof of the coal-black mine. Hurrah! &ce. MORE MUSICAL QUACKERY. WE read in the A/heneum (advertisement column, mind), that— R. W. VINCENT WALLACE, the eminent and popular composer of Maritana, &c.. bas jast arrived in thi« country from New York. Jie returns teeming with fr wer flowing with genius, as when he left our shores, 4 SANCSS We are exceedingly glad to hear this, and especially that Mr. Wat1- LACE is teeming with freshness, although we not profess to under- stand either what this means, or what are the symptoms of the process. But as the gratifying announcement heralds another, to thé effect that certain music publishers are to issue to the public the freshness with which Mar. W. is teeming, we suppose that further particulars may be procured at their shop. Lucky that Mz. Wattace is really a man of talent robust enough to survive the sickening quackery of the musical puff system. Earth and Water. | A TPewrorancer, who goes the whole hog, proposes to change the name, applied to a portion of the globe, of Temperate Zone, into that of Zone of ‘Total Abstinence. Bat another, who swallows bristles and all, would extend the territory of Total Abstinence over the whole world.

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ao OD le) ; ensure :— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON LATEST FROM PRUSSIA. (From out own Detective.) RECENTLY the war has given great employment to the Gobemouches, and one of its heaviest taxes, perhaps, has been the tax which they have laid upon our patience by the absurd reports they have contrived to circulate. Stories without end have been raised upon the flim- siest foundation, and as pro- lifie writers of fiction, “our own ndents” may be almost said to have ~ rivalled Ma. James the Novelist, or ALexanpRe Dumas. The news they tell us in the newspapers of to-day is pretty nearly sure to turn out nonsense m those of te-morrow, an scareely any of their letters can be regarded wholly as credit letters of ’ As a sample of the staff which the “constant readers” lately have been called | upon to swallow, it was the other morning stated, “ on.the most reliable authority” (an authority which we usually have found the mest liable), that the Kove or! Prussia had at length “given a convinci ish.” Being of course extremely suspicious of we as 1 of the Press to dispatch at once a Special Hoax-Detective to the Court of that (f ) elevated Monarch, with instructions to sift out, the truthof the matter h the sieve of his experience. Thanks to the Post | Office his despatch has been characterised by the very reverse of that quality, | but the explanation we have been so long in receiving we will in brief communicate. | It py «mer then that his Majesty has lately, in his more sober moments, been trying to cultivate an aequaintance with our language, and his “adhesion to the English ” is, therefore, only a politer phrase to express his recent sticking to the study of that tongue. The “proof” which was spoken of is discovered to have been merely the printer’s “proof” of some lines which his Majesty did lately by way of an| exercise, and which, although printed “for private circulation only,” we do not | scruple in the least to make as fully publie as a place in Punch is certaim "| Arn—“ A Bumper of Burgundy fil, fll for me.” A bumper of Clicquot come fill, fill for me, There’s no drink ean c e with Champagne ; With the head that is empty twill ne’er disagree, Since it only affecteth the brain. When war puts the people of peace in a funk, And friendly states claim our assistance, We'll show that a king may get royally drunk And keep sober sense at a distance ! a bumper of Clicquot, &c. , CRITICISM ALL HOT. No person expresses himself with more real sirength than Mr. Punch, and although he is not absurd exough to expect that the writings of anybody else should | exhibit that exquisite mixture of intensity and elegance which renders his teaching at once the instruction and the delight of mankind, he is never displeased, in a superficial age, to see etic sentiments put forth. But there ¢s a limit to all thyngs, and he cannot but think that the editor of the Shropshire newspaper, out of which Mr. Punch extracts the following declaration, is inclined to infuse almost too much fire into his diction. The writer in question is complaining that a certain Mr. Hay’s Musical Entertainments were not sufficiently patronised in Shrewshury. Whether Har did not make himself when the sun shone, or whether those who took the Livp-fever are proof against al! other complaints, including the Hay fever, we are not awere, but Mr. Har was not succeesful, and thus the delinquents are castigated :— “The proud Salopians must be very poor, or very shabby, to hold back under these clrenmataness, or there is an absence of al} spirit in Shropshire, except where eating and drinking are concerned The mind appears to be quite asecondary consideration, and the belly the all absorbing object of the affections. These are plain words, but notone whit the less true. Were we Me. Hay, we would see = ve ho mal the county, d——, before we would toil, and sustain loss, for such an beral-minded se Now, we are not, of course, so well informed as the Salopian journalist 20| to what kind of remonstrance is most effective with readers in the proximity | of the Wrekin, but brief sojourms in the county of Salop have left upon our minds the impression that somewhat more gracious words might be appropriately | us | ~-n such an occasion. The proud Salopians seemed to us to be, generally | CHARIVARL 85 : | speaking, afftble, courteous to strangers, and as intelligent | as provincials are likely to be; and really, even though one of their own body chastises them with scorpions after this \fashion, we feel inclined to protest against such merci- less treatment. The punishment certainly exceeds the offence, which we take to be the staying away from some concert. Now our friend the indignant “ Man from Shropshire” may take it from us, that any entertainment which the public does not patronise is not worth the patronage of the public. The business of the contriver of an entertainment is to entertain, and people know quite well whether they are likely to be entertained or not. And so, if we are not ing too great a liberty, we would respectfully hint that the § ire critic would better serve Mx. Hav, by painting out to him the most likely mode to please the Shrewsburians, than by « ting to him to obtain a which we trust is not in store for him. fi is just ible that the character of provincial ! i i journalism might be improved by a |ittle | more general adoption of the ities cultivated by the metropolitan press. Imagine the Zimes, or the Chroniel:, some imornimg, such a recommendation as the above to an unlucky jare at the Hagover Square Rooms. And are not provmeials our fellow-creatures, and | entitled to be treated withas mach humanity as wedemand d for ourselves? Keho answers in the and we beg | to transmit her answer for the consideration shire contemporary. our Shrop- A PLEA FOR THE PEWTER. Some folks have askin that’s marvellous thin, And Baresones they revere : And it’s sinful they say to moisten one’s.clay ith a —— : day beer. or my ain’t so severe, oie erage Jad ym my Sundays can't without My modest allowance of beer. | Some folks, it’s true, prefer to look blue | When a joke or a laugh they hear; Their house of call is Exeter Hall, And their tipple is tea, not beer. Now I’m no teetotallere, Though a temperance course I'd steer, And down I’Il cough Mr. Orator Goven, Whenever he talks against beer. And home zig-zag will steer : Bands of Hope let them follow, and pledges swallow, And Orator Goven go hear « But as [ can enjoy good cheer, And yet keep my noddle clear, | Some folks at their feasts will make themselves beasts, | | I ean’t understand why you thrust your hand Betwixt me and my Sunday beer. All the week at my work I stand like a Turk From beginning to end of the year ; And on Sundays I rest, and put on my best, i And at charch I always appear. Bat the parson I go to hear Don’t feel called to interfere With my afternoon walk, and tea-garden talk With a friend or two over our beer. Heaven gave malt and hops, as well as slops, And to me it’s perfectly clear, As the rich have their wine, so the poor, when they dine Were meant to enjoy their beer. The Vine Rhenish folks may cheer, And Hollands is good for Mynheer : And the Briton bold shall never be told There ’s sin in a drop of good beer ! For my part I think both in meat and drmk, "Tis abuse, not use, we should fear ; Enjoying of each what’s within our reach, With thankfalness sincere. So as I don’t mean to come near Your cordials and compounds queer ; Live and let live, pray ; go your own way, But don’t come between me and my beer. Se.

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ee THE MOUSTACHE MOVEMENT. MASTER SMITH, AS HE APPEARED TRYING TO FORCE HIS MOUSTACHES FOR THE BROWNS’ PARTY. THE CAPTURE OF BOMARSUND. From the Invalides Russe. BoMARSUND is a pig-sty, which, by order of the Empznor, whose provident care extends over the meanest of his subjects, was fortified with a forty-eight pounder. Foreseeing that the combined French and English fleets would carry out the tactics they have all along pursued, | by endeavouring to destroy this little piece of private property, the | Commander of the troops at Cronstadt sent a force of ten men, under } the command of Corporat Kicxemorr, to defend it from invasion. The approach of the Allied Fleets speedily demonstrated the wisdom of these measures of precaution. As soon as they came within range, | the Corporal opened fire upon them, and quickly sank several of their | largest vessels with his single gun. For many hours Kickemorr and his gallant soldiers sustained an unequal combat with the French and English under a tremendous but ill-directed shower of shot and shells. One of the latter at last set fire to the thatch of the fortress ; and under the cover of their guns the enemy succeeded in effecting a landing, not however without the loss of several hundred men who were shot by three riflemen of Kickemorr’s force. As the fort had no outworks, i!s only intrenchment lying in the bog-trough, our little troop was ultimately overpowered by superior numbers, and made an honourable surrender, with the loss of one man killed, and two wounded, including the brave Kicxemorr, who lost his little finger. As the savage Britons were loading him with chains, the gallant captive exclaimed, “Oh England, England, 1 hardly expected this from you!” The loss to the Emreror’s service of the brave Kickemorr and WHO SHALL DECIDE WHEN DOCTORS DISAGREE? It is really nauseating to witness the quantity of doctor’s stuff that | is allowed to run down the columns of the newspapers. It will be necessary at last to proceed against the public press as a public | nuisance if we have much more of the “foul and offensive matter” circulating under our noses every day at our breakfast tables to an | extent highly dangerous to the health, the patience, and the nerves of the reading community. If the doctors who write to the papers wou!d agree in their prescriptions for cholera, the public might feel grateful — | for the trouble taken, but when one medical man’s “ infallible | medicine ” is another medical man’s “ deadly poison,” and the specific | | of to-day is denounced as the fatal drug of to-morrow, we are puzzied | and alarmed at the risk we run in following the doctors’ contradictory | | directions. The conclusion at which we have arrived is, that however ivaluable the recommendation to “let well alone,” it is still more | desirable to “ let illalone,” if a sick man is subject to be poisoned by | one or more of the numerous concoctions suggested in the newspapers | | by the medical practitioner. According to Monday’s paver such and 'uesday’s print | | such a dose is a sure safeguard against cholera, until denounces the same mixture as death to all who take it. “I have | tried so and so with success,” says M.R.C.S., and “ it stands to reason | 'so and so must prove fatal in a few hours,” rejoins aa “M.D. of | thirty years’ standing.” When doctors disagree their want of unanimity |is indeed most wonderful. Jolly Companions Every One. A Svsscrirtion has been set on foot to pay the expenses of Lrgvr. | his intrepid band is ill compensated for by the destruction of nine of | Perny’s defence against his recent persecution. One of his friends the enemy’s ships ; but his Imperial Majesty consoles himself with the | a little further than the rest, and says, “ I would purchase for him reflection that he has a hundred million subjects in Russia as good as | his company.” We doubt whether Lizut. Perry would consent to | they, and has ordered a Ze Dewm to be sung on account of the damage | this arrangement, for after reading the account of the insults and in- they inflicted on the enemy. The ten ships lost by the Anglo-French | trusions to which he has been exposed, we have come to the conclusion | were first class men-of-war, all of them having the peculiarity of being that he cannot have found either bis room or his company very rigged with sails of buckram. agreeable. 4

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is | “i A WATER PARTY. Austra, “COME ON, PRUSSIA! IT’S SO JOLLY, AND THERE’S NO DANGER.” Serremper, 2, 155+. | {Puncnu, No. 686.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | Scenz.-—St. Petersburg. SOME VERY PETIY SESSIONS. ome of the Sessions held in the country are generally termed Petty, and after rusing the annexed extract from a Shropshire paper, the reader will admit that the Sessions sometimes fully de- serve their name for Pettiness. “ Aw Exrenarve Torsre.—Saarp Practrice.— THowas Pye, a respectable young man, in the employ of Ma. Samue. Compert, Biacksmith, of Park Street, Wellington, was charged (before the Rev. H. Burrow alone) with stealing a turnip, of the value of one hal/penny, the pro- petty of Sr. J. C. Cantrow, Esq. Defendant was taking a walk on the footpath through the field, with others, on Sunday evening last, when he pulled up the turnip in question. He was observed by Jomw Liorp, shepherd to Me. Cuarvtow, and for this grave offence, de. fendant was taken into custody and locked up the same evening. The turnip being grubby he threw it down again, without eating it. Defendant expressed his contrition for the offence. The Kev. Ma. Bunron, after lecturing the prisoner upon the serious character of the offence, and the consequent disgrace on his employer, fined him 10s. with 3s. expenses, and a halfpenny the value of the turnip, making a tetal of 13s. O4d. Ma. Caanvron stated that he had lost a great number of turnips, and was determined to make an example of the first he caught. The money was paid. During the hearivg of this case Ma. Caan ros withdrew from the bench.” In the first place the offence—such as it was—may be termed pet enough, though the reverend magistrate, putting on the magisteri magnifying glasses, was able to deseant on its enormity. ith the enlarged sympathies of respeetability, the reverend leeturer felt les» for the eulprit himself, who had to endure the punishment due to the guilty act, than for the respectable employer, who was doomed to suffer the disgrace of having in his employment a wretch that could pull up a grubby turnip, and throw it down again. We commenced by saying that the whole affair was truly petty, but we must be allowed to with- draw the expression as far as the penalty is concerned, for the amount of the fine, when compared with the offenee, may be considered as the very reverse of pettiness. THE CZAR AND HIS COUSIN JONATHAN. SCENE FROM THE RUSSIAN GENTLEMAN. An Gnfinished Drama. A Room in the Palace. The Emperor or Rossta, the Gaanp Duke Constantrye, aad Dr. Tuomas Corrt- MAN, seated. At the elbow of each, on a malachite table, sherry cobbler. CotrMan smoking a cigar with his heels elevated on the back of a chair, Emp. Yes, Doctor, in this world there are two forms Of Government, and but two possible, Your own, and ours. You, an enlightened people, Are capable of self-rule; each of you A Sovereign is whose subjects are himself. Cottm, And Niggers. _ Emp. Yes; and Niggers. Unripe for institutions such as yours, As Pon do need a master. Cottm. I expect There just this difference is tween you and we, But our Russians, Yourn is white Niggers, Emperor, ourn is black. | Emp. | Theyre Cabas; and although the question may Appear superfluous—Do you smoke ? You owns more slaves than we do. mp. Even so. Cottm. And you and we are near about as like, As eowhide is to knout. Emp, And both combined— Cottm, Will flog creation— Grand D. And the Britishers. _ Cottm. Grand Duke, you’re right. I tell you what, Grand Duke, You talk exactly like a reg’lar Yankee, Though,in your silks you stand but five feet five, Youd pass for one on Broadway—that ’s a fact ; Now, Emperor, hand us a cigar. Try these. (Passes cigar case.) Cottm,. Emperor, I rather speculate I do. imp. Well, Doctor, now ’s your time to take your Cuba; Yon shall do so; and I, in the meanwhile, Will help myseif to Turkey. Cottm. Wal, yes, Here’s a light ! Emp. Thanks, Doctor, for the candle you propose To hold to Nicnoxas., Grand D. Those Britishers Would Nicnotas corrupt to a nickname, Whereby the miscreants do miscall my sire. Consume the dastards ! Cottm, Dastards, cowards, curs, Rascals and scoundrels, loafers, possums, ’coons ! Grand D, Nation of hucksters, pedlars ! Emp. Shopkeepers ! Cottm, The mighty Russian Eagle, I compute, At Cronstadt and Sebastopol, right slick Will chaw the mangy British Lion up. Enter the @aaxp Ducwess Marte. Wal, Emperor, wal, Grand Duke, F call) that there The finest gal in Europe: Grand Duch, Deetor, pray How are your patients? And have you This physic for Papa and Consranwtiem The Doctor his own mediemertakes, B see; So I suppose it must be rather niee. Cotim. Taste it, Grand Duchess, (Offers his glass and straw. She takes a such Grand Duck. Oh how-very good! Returns glass and straw. Cottm. V\| keep that straw. [ll neverpart with it : Barnum would give me semething for the straw Which the Grand Duchess sucked her cobbler through, But he sham’t have it. ; Du T will not: stay and: let ibed Go along with you! you make me vain, yeu doctor. Cottm. Wal, time flies, The hour has come for me, likewise, to say The word of parting, and absquetulate. So, about Sitka? Tmp. Tell your Government That they shall have it cheap; at their owm priee, "ll sell it at a loss, so that ioe The Yamkee thorn plant in the British side. Cottm. We), zood bye, Emperor, and good bye, Grand Duke ; Your I will take to Gawwna. Prence. And may we strike a bargain. You, meanwhilst, Will lick them cussed Britishers, I hope, Into a tarnal and immortal smash, Whittle down all their greatness to a pint, Scuttle their island, ’nihilate Joun Bui, And of his catawampous carcase leave No more than an invisible grease-spot. Emp. Farewell ! Grand D. Adieu, most rich American. Emp. There goes a gull of Anglo-Saxon brood ; The dirty bird befouls his own old nest, Would he befouled that only! Ho, there! Put The windows up and fetch a mop or - In what a mess the wretch has made the room ! Seone closes. A REVIEWER REVIEWED. Tur Quarterly Review, in an article on the Drama, which seems to have been written from some reom in the neighbourhood of Wych Street, commanding a view of nothing but the Olympic, says that “ with less than a cubit added to his stature Ma. Rossow would be the first Shakesperian actor of his day.” We do not quite agree with the Quarterly critie, who measures genius by the foot rule, and believes that an actor may stamp bimself as first-rate by the aid of high heels to his boots. If Mr. Rossow requires nothing to make him a first-rate Shakesperian performer but a cubit added to his stature, he had better apply to Courrt, the builder, who w obligingly build up his fame by providing him with a pair of stilts. For ourselves, we are no admirers of the stilted style whieh the Quarterly reviewer appears to patronise, and we are quite satisfied to take Mn. Ronson as hic is without the “ magnifieent addition,” as the showman would call it, of a few inches to his stature. AN “INDEX EXPURGATORIUS” FOR ENGLAND. BY CARDINAL WISEMAN. Aut the Daily Papers. All the Periodical Press, weekly or otherwise. All newspapers, exeepting the 7adbiet, All books, excepting Dew’s Theology. In short, all newspapers, papers, pamphlets, books, &c., exeepting such as have been previously submitted to CarnpiwaL Wiseman, and approved of by him.

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CHARIVARI. PUNCH, i |} “Never aurry a Pixe, Caantes; OLD Watton says, ‘Give nim Ten Minutes To Gorce uis Barr.” Hg was BAD FIVE ALREADY.” LOOK OUT FOR YOUR LIBERTY. Sarp Jonw Butt’s man of measures, or Tailor, to Jonny, “ Sir, your sleeves are too short—let me put these cuffs on,” “ Cuffs ?” quoth Joux, “ yes, they seem just like handcuffs to me, For instead of a button they ’re closed with a key : Well; they ’re not locked together—my hands are still free.” l'o Jous Butt said his Tailor, another fine day, Sir, your ancles want bracing—they ’re like to give way. Pray now, let me advise you these Gaiters to wear. Said Joun Bout, “ Gaiters, eh? Pair of fetters I swear, But they ’ve no bolts or shackles—and so I don’t care.” Joun Bort danced in his fetters and dined in his cuffs, Meeting all observations thereon with rebuffs, Such as—“ Don’t talk to me about being confined I am full and am lazy, I’ve danced and I’ve dined, Let me now go to sleep—for a nap I’m inclined.” Joy Butt slept, and was plunged in a slumber most sweet, Whilst his Tailor the gaiters and cuffs did complete ; Joun Buxt woke hand and foot irretrievably bouna, And unable to stir, being chained to the ground, While his cries for release with stern laughter were drowned. Sunday Bills are the handcuffs with which we begin, On pretence of preventing the evils of gin ; To keep sots from their swill we are liquoriess made, And we suffer the Government thus to invade Both our freedom of action and freedom of trade. And the fetters are trammels, which soon will, unless We look out very sharp, be imposed $n the Press. The first step its liberty destined to cramp May be taken by some Jesuitical scamp | With a little more rigour by pressing the Stamp. | OFFICERS’ WITNESS DRILL, OR FORTY-SIXTH EXERCISE. | OR THE LONDON BRACKISH THOUGHTS. By owe Man on the Shingles (waiting in wrath for a Bathing-Machine), | Tat snob who keeps me waiting so long, while he is dressing after his bath, should not be judged harshly. He is probably some counterjumper, who is usually obliged to dress in five minutes. Perhaps, too, the machine is more eoypetees than such a wretched lodging as he can afford to hire. Those women have left the water three quarters of an hour, and are still in their machine. ‘They are romping. How vulgarly they laugh. Doubtless, too, they are dowdies, and after — over their toilette for an age, will come | forth, blowzed and looking as if their lady’s maid had been | a pitchfork. for being kept here. The ass who swims worst is always the one who bawls in I hope they will, and thus revenge me his betters out of the machine. A gentleman plunges in, | takes his swim in silence, aud dresses rapidly. | Women are all cheats. Those women have cheated me out of my turn, and the woman who keeps the machine | pretends to think it is all right. [ hope, for her sake, that | the season will be short ; and very oa. | Those ugly women who went in last would make more | the water, waddles about, splashes idiotically, and keeps | | waiting, and so in sheer spite they are dog their hair here , instead of going home like ladies, and doing it in their bed rooms. [ hope they will catch colds. How that child shrieks in fear of the sea! But | hear the mother slapping it, and thrusting it in. And yet they say women are tender-hearted. I would see the little beast at Jericho before I would expose myself to hear such noises. There it screeches again. People have no right to annoy others by causing such yells—if they must torture the brat, why don’t they have a tub at home. [Here the Bat/ang mistress beckons him. I don’t think it is my turn, (aside) but I’ll have it. And as I have been kept so long, 1 see no reason for treating others better, and so— {Enters the machine, leaving his successors to think similar thoughts for the next half hour. The rat has alr his tusks at the cheese. At St. Martin’s Hall, lately, was heard such a rat, All so stealthily, covertly, niobling at that, Underneath the broad brim of a Cardinal’s hat. To be earnest in any way—care to bestow, Save on stomach and skin may be dreadfully slow. *T would be slower if we like our neighbours behaved, With their lips all unshorn—of their liberties shaved— And became, like the nations around us, enslav For the Press a be easily chained by degrees. aly Tus drill is practised in a room, which, in military phraseology, is | | called the Mess Room, but to which, perhaps, with greater propriety, 'might be applied the collegiate term of Combination Room. The | fellows, that is to say the officers of the regiment, having met therein, ostensibly for the purpose of auditing the mess accounts, but really | for that of being drilled to give evidence, are put, by a Serjeant at Martial Law, through the following exercise :— haste, but they think the two pretty girls near me are | Handle Book ! Lies Right ! Kiss Book ! Lies Left! Return Book ! Lose Memory! Stand at Ease! Recover Memory ! Attention to Questicn ! Weigh Question ! Parry ae Right Shirk! Left Sneak ! Right-about Wheel ! Left-about Face ! Charge Memory ! Ground Oath ! Shoulder Oath ! Make Ready Oath! Present Oath! Swear !! Tas Parvare Orrion or tae Emperor Nicnotas.—* If I were not the Czar of all the Russias, | would be the President of the United States.” — According to Da. Cotman, i tt 13S © we w

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eo |—more than usually enlightened ee the season by twenty-five thousand additional! lamps— | will be paintedim large letters-over tiie door. , had secured the [talian Brothers, who had bound themselves by the ties of a stringent engagement to bind themselves to the car of a certain balloon by the stringent ties of certain fastened to their feet, by which they were to hang PUNCH, OR TH VAUXHALL IN THE SULKS. HE proprietor of Vauxhall has shut up his gardens in a huff extinguishe twenty-five thousand additional lamps, turned out his hermit to grass, put away all the "Tie Club will consist of the ‘Landlord, the Cronstadt i shed Boots, the Head Waiter, and the Ostler the the back of the Waterloo establishment; to whom will be added other awa isemployed | cept the apartments ™) Should any legaldifficulty be thrown in the way Andall dhe tandsdnpasted.” The reason for this abrupt) sponsible for all the Club’s-liabilities. Anybody ing of the cstablishmevt in E LONDON CHARIVARI. 91 inquiry as to authenticity, down on a slate, which will be suspended forthat pu against the wail. Buildings to serve for Club Houses have been already erected, comprising the various premises > hitherto called and known by the name and sign f his of the Crown, the King’s Arms, the Goose and Gridiron, the Cat and Fiddle, and other the like appellations. able-boy, and the Landlady and waiters, the the ham that Chambermaid if necessary. The terms of sub- dismissed the | Sription will be One Barthing per Annum : no fearful jentrance Fee. Visitors will not be called upon for - ny subscription whatever. A smoking room will 0 er its attractions in every room in the house reserved for private partics. of the above arrangements, the Club will consti- mittee, consisting of the Beets aml the Ostler, with the Landlord for Chairman, who will be re- will be eligible to beeome amember at a moment's a hot week of fine weather, is motice, by being balloted for by the already exist- set forth im a letter that ap-jing members, and the reqnisite facilities for peared in the Zimes of Monday} prompt election will be afforded by two or more Tt seems of them attending without blaekballs, at the Club that the propmetor in hisex-jentrance. The | ( treme eagerness to meet the|such hours as the convemienee of the Public may wishes and suit the tastes of} require ; ded gy the possibility of any an enlightened British public} mistake, the will be kept o during “ Ace Traveccens’ Coun ” tute itself a regular Club, by appointing a Com- | im the air with their heads downwards. These sons of the south had it seems made a profession amd a practice! of this upside down or topsy-turvy proceeding, and they had frequently delighted a generous | British public with this imminent risk of their lives, and by permitting their existence to hang upon a thread at a surprising altitude. It is true that there have been a few deaths | from experiments in bal , but this fact, it must be admitted, so far from depriving | the affair of the features of a public amusement, had tended rather to heighten the zest with which the display was looked for by an enlightened English assembly. The police, however, having other duties besides those of encouraging a refined taste for what certainly may be called in one sense the highest style of art, and remembering that several deaths had | occurred for the amusement of the British public by ballooning iments, felt called on | to step in and interdict what we may be justified in calling this “ brilliant display of assman- | ship.” The proprietor of the gardens became so indignant at this interference with an| earnest desire to “eater for the public amusement,” t he in a fit of the sulks has cat | short his season, and written a letier of indignant remonstrance to the Z'imes newspaper. | The Italian Brothers are so shoeked by the denial of their night to risk their lives, that they | have appealed to the Secretary possibly be involved in a war with Italy. These remarkable mation had it seems recently laxury of hanging by their finding that the words of the poet— “ T, aurety, in a country that fs free, May kill myself if it se pleases me,” of State, and if there were any Italian nationality, we might | specimens of suspended ani-| a balloon for the more complete enjoyment of the | to the bottom of the car, and their disgust is extreme at | } | are but the idle dreams of the rhapeodist, and not the calm declaration of a right admitted by | the British Government. We must however be content to dispense with dur evenings at Vauxhall for the vest of the season, and the London publie must learn to bear as it best ean the deprivation of not oe the risk of a brace of brothers tumbling down from | a height of some thousands ‘eet into the middle of some public thoroughfare. Perhaps the brothers may in their ealmer moments reflect that however anxious they may be to | run the risk of pitching on their own skulls, there may be other skulls—not quite so thick | —underneath the balloon, which are not so eager to be pitched upon. THE SUNDAY TRAVELLERS’ CLUB. | | To temper the New Beer Bill to Sunday excursionists, it is proposed to establish an adequate number of Travellers’ Clubs; since clubs are exempt from the restrictions of that enactment, and it allows beer to be served to travellers. Each Club will consist of from four to six persons who, however, will have power to add anybody who chooses to be added, to their number. They will besides, individually possess | the privilege of introducing a friend, or as many friends as they please, whether gentlemen or ladies, into the Clab, to enjoy a temporary participation, for an indefinite period, in the | advantages of its membership, which will include the use of any of the Club apartments, and | the right to be supplied with any species of refreshment provided by the Club, at the usual Club prices. _ A member of the Club will be in"constant attendance in the Hall, or where there is no Hall, in the Passage, to admit visitors. The ceremony of admission will be simply that of putting | the visitor’s name and address, under the denomination of Traveller, without any particular A BALTIC BROADSIDE. Loox to breaching-tackles, |ads, Trumnion, sponge, and rammer : With round aid grape and canister To the muzzle cram her! Ran her smartly out, my lads! Captain !—lay her level ! Soon we'll blow, no doubt, my lads, | Oxp Nicx to the Devil. Fire away ! Tis an honest gun, my lads,— Gallant hearts to mar it ! Bout their ears, like fun, my lads, Topple down the granite. Russtan guns are quakers, \ads,— Russian walls are rubble ; Russian troops are shakers, lads,— Russian strength a imbble ! Fire away ! Spite of rock and reef, my. lads,— Spite of shoal and wi Show the odds on British beef Match’d with Russian tallow. ~ chanee of oan lads, 7 re too ‘to rink it, if He he their guillets, lads, Lots of pork and biscuit Fire away ! If a messmate fall, my lada, By shot or sheil or splinter, Greenwich finds for all, my lads, A snag berth for life’s winter. Lf a man, by death, my lads, Lose mess’s number, In cheers he yields his breath, my lads, Aud goards his slumber. we away ,; While your steady fire, my lads, Through his forts is dizgiug, Let him, till he tire, my lads, Spoil our upper rigging. Hurrah !—From thetr towers, my lads, Signal of surrender ! God bless Quarw Victortsa,— And more victories send her. Hip '—Harrah !

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | | John Thomas, “1 rett rou wat, WittramM—tHe Press MUST BE PUT AND cot Tae Sovprers’ UNIFORM ALTERED, AND I SHOULDN'T WONDER IF THEY CALLED OURS RIDIKLUS NEXT!” | SANCTIFIED SLANDER UPON PUNCH. A whiter, who appears to be an adept in the pseudosophy of Cant, | has been perpetrating an article, whence the following 1s an extract, in the Bnglish Journal of Education :— “There are two very clear dangers to which boys are liable to be exposed on a | Sunday. The first is the very palpable and glaring one ot temptation to forget that it | is a holy day as well as a holiday. It is very sad and grievous to think of the shock that a young boy's moral system must receive when he emerges from the too tightly laced apron-strings of a religious home into the atmowphere which hails the day on which our Lord overmastered Death with the broadsheet of Bell's Life, Punch, the loose morals of Reynoids, and other worse than worthless literature.” | * | _ The Journal that admitted the foregoing remarks ma call itself the English Journal of Education ; but, as far at least as they zo, it is, in the strongest sense, un-English. The unhappy Scribe, and Pharisce, | who penned those illiterate and absurd observations, :epresents a boy | as emerging from apron-strings, as if apron-strings were the ocean, ora | | river, or pond, or other receptacle coataining fluid in which it was ible for the youth to have been plunged. We should like to see | him emerge, himself, from the sink of folly and impertience, at the | bottom of which he now flounders. In the meantime he may con-| | tribute to the public amusement by explaining how a home, religious or profane, can wear an apron, and how the strings of any apron, | whether worn by a home or a housemaid, or even a bishop, can be laced, | unless by being adorned with lace. Also by stating the composition | of that atmosphere which is capable of hailing a day otherwise than by aqueous vapour and carbonic aci moral system but a weak one, and, like electricity, shocks only to in- vigorate that. So far from containing anght calculated to shock the moral system of a boy, these s are characterised by a scrupulous reverence for childhood, as this person, who abuses them, would know if he had ever hailing for twenty-four hours, and which must consist of other and | very different elements than oxygen and nitrogen, with an admixture of | i. Further, given an atmosphere that | can hail a day without a hailstorm, by showing how the atmosphere | desecrates the day by hailing it with Punch ; a work which shocks no | PUNCH’S OWN RAILWAY. Tuts snug little suburban line occasionally makes a mild demand on public attention, by a sort of eee pens known as the issuing of its ann my which is usually ery my with a very little smoke, and some- what less fire. i is on the smallest possible scale; and the rolling stock includes a garden roller, which is kept for the Led gr of rolling the gravel vole te the side those rey —— the ve ee aap of the Company. e property of the railway is understood to hare somewhat increased; but there has been a loss of one engine and two buffers,—the former bemg the moral engine which the Company once possessed in the sup- port of a now apathetic press; and the latter consisting of two old buffers who have got better places, after having been for some years in the service of the line as gardeners. The balance at the bankers’ has been aug- mented by a few pounds, and the goods treffic is nearly eight ounces more this year than it was last—an increase which, considering the level of former times, may be considered feverish. Of coals there is a scuttle more in the Company’s cellars than there was in 1853; and the Directors | ye that this surplus shall not be disturbed, ut that it shall be added to the “rest,” and ti carried over to the credit—the very great credit —of the Company. : The engineer of the line has inspected the d boilers, and reports that “ the concern is not yet fr out of hot water, nor likely to be for some time w to come:” nor have the law proceedings been w brought to a termination. Thanks were voted al to the chairman, who had lent a Bath chair for lw a visit of the resident director to the terminus. in 1 i ee A NOBLE SACRIFICE. Ix order to ensure fine weather for the [3 Harvest, Mra. Warpet has closed Vauxhall. | . —naennmeieniialies aula | k read them. One would think that the “atmosphere” which he is in | | fr the habit of breathing is one of very strong tobacco-smoke and fumes of beer, whereof the effect has been to muddle his understanding and | ai confuse his style. A man must be ina very extreme state of pipes | pi and ale to commit such a wretched attempt at a pun as that involved el in the antithesis of holy day and holiday—a pun betraying a peculiar | | os | disregard of Dr. Jounson. If the punster is not capable of picking | | in a pocket, he is evidently quite capable of robbing others of their th good name. is We will not “shock” the feelings of our readers by more than | ca alluding to the equivocal construction consequent on the misplacement | | al of the preposition “with” inthe concluding sentence of the paragraph | ro above quoted. We advise the professor of education to educate himself | 04 before he puts any more of his discourses into print, and should recom- | na mend him, for the present, to deliver them only from his pulpit, which | | re | we would suggest might consist of a cinder-heap in a low neighbour- | | an hood, if the man were fit to preach anywhere. ) w ——— in | fo BOMARSUND TO BEGIN WITH. gr | Srxe of the gallant Baltic Fleet Which, with our French allies, did beat, | Thrash, whack, whop, wallop, and contund The enemy at Bomarsund. With speedy news of the downfal | Of Cronstadt and Sebastopol, May NicHotas’s ears be stunned : And I wish he had been at Bomarsund ! Tue Krxe or Prussia, in a moment of hilarity, was heard to say that “ he ’d join any campaign if they put a 4 im it.” Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Peneras, and Frederick in the County of Middlesea, Printers, at their Office in Lombard Sireet, in the Precimet of W the City of Londos.—Sarvapat, September 2, i*d4 sae | | Prussia's Last. | | Mallett Evans, of No. 27, Victoria Street, in the Parish of St. Mergaret and $+. Joba, Weetminster, dot of Leadon Street ip the Parish of St. Bride, ie *, io the City and Publixhed by them at No. %, Fleet

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ST tr —....__—_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON A FINALE TO AN OPERA, _ mat the annexed finale may be understood, it will be necessary that the following explana- tory argument should be perused with some attention. The action of the taken by a bold and enterprising chief, at the head of a very gal- lant instrumental—and vo- cal—to the views of their leader, the popu- lace are seen rushing forward with eager curiosity, and they re- the heroine—an Italian lady, whose talents had already excited admira- | tion and interest. Everything proceeds merrily for some time, and large masses of | people are seen advancing with contributions of gold and silver, till a slight | murmur of discontent arises im consequence of a mysterious demand from the! | direetor—a dark figure in the back-ground—of an increase of twelvepence a head from a certain section of the contributors. This throws a gloom over the scene, which is scarcely dispelled by the appearance of Pavesi, a young Italian tenor, who is destined to become the hero of what is to follow. We have omitted to| allude to the part taken by a German of imposing aspect, and considerable power, who, under the well known name of Formes, had entered on the scene, and by the influence of his voice and character—or characters, for he could assume several | —had partly reconciled the people to pay the increased tax which the director —the dark figure in the back-ground—had imposed. The Second Act opens rather cheerlessly in a sort of desert with a large ther- mometer standing at 80 in the shade, and a number of liveried box-keepers opening | the doors of vacant boxes for the admission of what little air may be wafted through every gaping aperture. A burning heat gives languor to the whole band, ; and throws a damp—in the shape of perspiration—on the countenances of all concerned. The Second Act soon comes to a close, the curtain itself dropping | from mere exhaustion. The Third Act opens in a Jew Attorney’s Office, with a sort of Marche| diabolique, which conducts to the scene of the Judges’ Chambers, where a concerted | piece ensues, introducing the taking of the oath and the issuing of the writ; con- cluding with a Chorus of Tipstaves, who proceed to the abodes of Caradori| and Pavesi. In the next Scene we find the heroine and the hero locked—not | in each other’s arms—but in the Maison d’ éponge, or Sponging House, to which they have been consigned, by certain machinatiors, in which a regular machinist is = pene to have taken part. After some rather mysterious action in what is | called a carpenter’s scene, the stage represents the Police Court at Bow Street, | and the finale begins. Enrico, a Podesta, is seated on the Bench of Justice, sur- rounded by his officers, and at the Bar stands // Falegname, who had taken the oath in the previous scene. In the foreground are two lawyers, both bearing the name of Lagi, but belonging to different houses; one representing the much- respected Casa Luigi Piazza d’Eli, near the celebrated Giardino d’ Hattone | and the other being Lagi della Piazza d'Oro, or Golden Square. The Finale commences with a striking piece of Recitative by Luigi della Casa, who informs Euxrico, the Podesta, that Caradori, the heroine, has been placed in captivity on the oath of J/ Falegname, who swore that she was about to depart | for Germany in // Falegname’s debt. The following is the text of a portion of this | grand Recitative :— ”T was at dread midnight’s sad and awful hour She fell within the Sheriff’s deadly power, The victim of an oath—which had averred She owed a debt of which she ’d never heard. Ah me! oh horror! how shall I reveal The truth that justice bids me not conceal. Semiramis, great Nino’s widowed spouse, Was led ignobly to a sponging house. , } | Cuorvs. Oh as! Oh horror! How shall we reveal The truth that justice bids us not conceal. And was Semiramis, great Nino’s spouse, Hurried ignobly to a sponging house ? VOL. XXVII. | band, who had| consented to become | cognise in Caradori—| | by a lady with » huge green blind over her } it CI {[ARIVARI. Luier petta Piazza D’Oro. Though to condemn the act all may incline, Ye Powers! it wasn’t any fault of mine. Tue Popesta. Thy views I cannot share—the Sheriff’s slave Will always guidance from the lawyer crave, Sut let me hear the gentle lady’s story. Un Uricrate, Silence in Court for Mapame Caraport! ri _ pos 0. pa in Carapor (advancing to the witness bor). > Jrury ¢, and opens , with a grand flourish [ REcITaTive. . of trumpets. ‘Yhe Thea- I came across the no only views tre having just been | Have been the British public to amuse ; I ne’er had come at all if I had known Into a jailor’s hands I should be thrown, Arn (con molto espressione), Oh, hear me, Justice, while I swear, As here alone I stand, [ never said I did prepare To quit this pleasant land. They led me forth, I knew not why, Took me, | knew not where, Deprived me of my liberty, Regardless of my prayer. Yes, thus they treated me, although I nothing owed, and told them so. Tae Poprsta. Ob, can it be? I did not understand This was the practice of my native land ; To drag to jail before you make a claim. Luier peta Piazza v’Oro, ’Tis often done, Sir. Tue Popesta. . Is it ?—more’s the shame. Sut now ’tis getting late. The day doth wane, The evening shadows fall on Drury Lane ; The Covent Garden columns in a row Stand darkly out beneath the portico. Luier petta Casa. | Yes! Night advances! On the startled ear Fall cries of “ waiter!” from the cookshop near, ‘The ham-and-beef shop now begins to feel The public pressure for the evening meal ; The clubs begin to serve the second joint— | Louie petta Piazza v’Oro. Those observations to adjournment point. Granp Crorvs. Though with ardour we burn For justice and right, It were best to adjourn The proceedings to night, | Tae Popesta. And if my advice the defendant will take, Some fit compensation he’ll rapidly make. Gaanv” Cuorvus. Though with ardour we burn, &c. The Curtain falls. A Scotch Monster. A STARTLING paragraph appeared the other day in the | North British Mail. It was Monster Bean. The only Monster Bean that we had ever before heard of as being produced by North Britain was the Monster Sawney Bean. We were relieved to find that this was a cultivated instead of a savage bean; a regular bean: a bean of quite a different kidney from Sawney. THE FASHION AT'THE SEASIDE. Tue Blackguard Donkey Boys at , if stopped net, attract ier notice by screaming out, “ Now then, Ugly!”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. KEPT IN TOWN. ComRADES— you are off on pleasure } I must linger | here forlorn ; Not ahouse where I can dime at— nothing open but Cremorne. All my friends have gone and left me; all I knowj are far a- way: Some are yacht- ing, some are sporting, some at country houses stay. And I see the grouse at Groves’s, and I think upon the moors ; They have shut up all the clubs, and they have opened all the sewers. ‘| Gone from Rotten Row the dandies—gone the neatly got-up grooms ; Gone the pretty riding-habits; gone the quiet little broughams. Hot and hard the length of gravel, for the water-carts are done ; What am I that | should murmur, being but a younger son ? Being but a Treasury Clerk, to whom existence is a bore ; Working for a wretched pittance, every day from ten to four. In the season, there’s"the paper kills time for an hour or two ; Now the 7imes itself is empty—at a glance one skims it through. T am sick of the Crimea—sick of Bomarsund—and all : And the very name of Perry ’s nauseous, in large type or small. ’ve read all about the Cholera, till I think I could impart, From chalk-mixture up to camphor, every remedy by heart. After office hours I wander, in a sort of moody maze, Up Pall-Mall, and through Belgravia—all the haunts of happier days. At the were where to dinner oft I’ve driven at half-past eight, Pint pots— token of board-wages—hang upon the area-gate. There where Guwrenr’s stately foremen wont the su peer carts to stop, Butcher-boys to lean charwomen hand the solitary ch Op. Balconies, where ball-room-roses bloomed ‘neath Eperneton’s marquees, Show a range of dusty bow-pots for the cats to take their ease. Tis the square, where’ she would meet me—meet me, between four and five, When the governess was busy, and Mamma was on her drive. Where she brought the new French novel to the very shadiest spot, Which she always meant to get through, but through which she never got, | Oh my Mase t—shallow-hearted !—was it well to let me down, And go off to Baden-Baden, when you might have staid in town ? For your father is in office—a pretext you might have had : Staid to mind the old boy’s comforts : he ’d have only been too glad ! Darkling comes the night and dreary ; and the gas they’re lighting up: But for ne—where can I go to? I’ve no place to dine or sup. At the club they cook no dinners: and the smoking-room is bare : All the house, in fact, is under what the steward calls “ repair.” Even Pratr’s is sad and seedy : oh, this is not to be borne— I will rush to the Casino: I will drive to far Cremorne. What 7 Same that I should care for? From what madness should sbrin I will eat September oysters: sherry-cobblers I will drink. [ will take a snobbish female: I will join the platform dance : There indulge in gentish antics, and unseemly pas from France. What to me is indigestion ? What to me is head-ache now ? I will chaff the stern policeman, though I get into a row. Though he take me to the station—bring me up before the beak— Let them send me to the tread-mill—’tis excitement that I seek. Let it come in any form: policeman—station—beak or mill, Aught but this bare, blank existence—’tis a horse enough to kill! Let it come and sweep me with it : though the governor should frown ; = him right for thus deserting his poor son—the last in town ! | CORONERS AND RAILWAY COMPANIES. (Specially Reporte?) | Aw investigation into the causes of the last accident (but eleven) which took place on the Grand Indirect East and West Junction Rail- way, was held before Ma. Conowen Caince and a select jury, at the Buffalo’s Arms, Wapshot, on Tuesday last. It will be remembered that upon the occasion in question an express train ran into an excur- sion train, and that four carriaze-fulls of passengers were either destroyed or mutilated. The interests of the sufferers or their executors were represented by Mr. Pounce, a solicitor; while Mr. | Buster, Q.C., and Ma. Swart, of the common-law bar, attended on the part of the railway company. The public was unrepresented, the law officers of the Crown having special retainers im private cases, | which made their attendance, for which the country pays them only a | general retainer, impossible upon the present occasion. The Coroner opened the proceedings by addressing the jury. He | must begin by stating that the conduct of the Grand i East and | West Junction Railway Company did them the highest credit. They | were disposed to court the very fullest investigation, and, although it | might not be strictly within his judicial knowledge, he must add that ithe first-class carriages on the lime were most comfortable, and the station-masters were among the most genteel and polite young men he | had ever seen. That, however, did not exactly bear upon the present | inquiry, which was, how this unlucky accident had occurred to vary | \the usual regularity and safety of the excellent and admirable line in | question. | Mr. Buostrer beered to remind the Coroner that he, Mr. B., and | | not the Cononer, was the advoeate of the Company. | The Conower was aware of that, and was quite sure that the usual ' sound discretion exercised by the Company had dictated their choice of counsel. The first witness, Henry Barrer, was called. He said that on | | Tuesday last he was a passenger by the excursion train from Diddleton. At 6°30 they passed the Hangmansleigh Station, and were going at a wretched pace— The Coroner cautioned the witness not to use injurious expressions. |The train might be going more slowly than the witness liked, but surely a noble Company like that of the Grand Indirect knew better than the witness what pace to keep. The Witness, in continuation, said that they were going not more than thirteen miles an hour. The Coroner said that this showed the pradence and caution of the Company. As it was, the pace was faster than that of the best | stage coach of former days. How much had the witness paid ? Wrrness.—Thirteen-and-sixpence. The Corower (with indignation)—What! To come ninety miles! | And with such generous liberality on the part of the Company, the | witness had the baveness to complain of the pace! He thought, after such a display of character, it would be for the jury to consider what | weight to attach to the witness’s evidence. The Witness said that he paid what was asked, and believed that | by law the Company undertook to convey him speedily and safely. He certainly did not accept the contract on the understanding that he was to take the chances of a smash. The Coroner immediately ordered him into custody for speaking so flippantly of a great public am and expressed a conviction that the jury would be as much disgusted as he was. Lavra Movtp was then called. She deposed to the fact that she had been travelling by the excursion train, and as they came crawling up to the Hangmansleigh Station— The Corower.—Don’t say crawling, woman. Beetles crawl. As the train was proceeding at a comparatively slow —well ? | Witness adhered to the word crawling, and despite ail the remon- strances of the Coroner, who entreated her to consider what a splendid institution the railway was, and how much the public were indebted to | the spirited and wealthy gentlemen who managed it, she would use no other word. The Coroner was obliged, therefore, to record his protest, and to take her evidence, that while the excursion train was lagging, three quarters of an hour late, the express ran into it, and caused terrible damage. | Seventeen other witnesses deposed to the same fact, and despite the Coroner’s cautions, inveighed bitterly against the mismanagement of ithe railway.

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dee Ee | liked, travel on | against the The signal man of the Hangmansleigh Station gave evidence that he was underpaid and overworked, and admitted that he was too tired and too sleepy to make the danger signal. He had no doubt that, had it been made, the express train would have stopped. The Coroner, after reading him a severe lecture upon his ingratitude in speaking in that brutal manner of the Company which gave him bread, directed that he should be taken into custody. Several witnesses, conversant with railway matters, desired to be examined, but the Coroner said that he did not see what good they could do. The last witness had shown how the accident oecurred. The Jury said that the evidence was insufficient. The signal man was in fault, but why was the train so late ° The Coroner was sorry to see that the vulgar prejudice against railway management extended to that box. They ought to be above such nonsense. He would close the inquiry, unless the learned gen- tlemen had anything to say. Mr. Pounce said that the Railway Company had been of two unpardonable offences, and he hoped that the verdhet of the jury would convince them that no Railway Directors, any more than any other tradesmen, could be allowed to cheat their customers. They offered good and swift conveyance, for money; they sold bad and slow conveyance, and when compensation was demanded, they began to bully. The Corowgr, who had several times interrupted the selieifer, now ordered him out of Court. The hired representatives of the company said that they had imtended to or but were quite content to leave the advocaey of their clients in the hands of the judge. | The Coroner summed up. Railways were a glorious imvention, ate and this line was one of the specimens we possessed. It seareely ever killed anybody. Why, the population of Great Britaim at the census of 1851 was 20,936,468 persons; and how few of these the Grand ies East and — ———- ~ Ee The ro was a trifle, com to of t who travelled, or might e lime. Moreover he was quite sure that the directors were most sorry when any casualty occurred. Most of the witnesses had given their evidence in a very unbecoming manner, and therefore it was valueless. On the whole, therefore, he thought—of course the jury would judge for themselves—that the company were quite free from blame in the matter. The Jury, without retiring, returned a verdict of “ Manslaughter ” irectors of the Company, adding a strong expression of disgust at the system they had sanctioned. The Coroner said that they must be mad. such cruel and oppressive verdict. The Jury insisting, he was compelled to yield, but appended a written apology to the Company for being the unwuling agent in insulting them so shamefully. Mar. BLusTEeR was Corcner’s feelings. He should record no mite sure that the Company were aware of the The inquiry then terminated. ALDERMAN IN THE WATER. Dear Georee, this white jug, mixed with Apaw’s mild ale, (That’s the stimgo for toasting your Naw of the Vale) Holds what once was GosBie, a greedy old sou! Who mopped up the turtle-soup, bow! after bow), In guzzling ’twas also his wont to excel, And at all civic dinners he’d feed till he fell. Tt chanced as in Guildhall he gorged by degrees, Eating all sorts of messes, as rich as you please, At the custards and pastry whilst pegging away, And with brandied brown sherry well soaking his clay, His steam-valves of life on a sudden were shut, And he went, blowing up like an engine—all but. In ground intramural when long he had lain, Resolved into salts, earths, and gases again, Ammonia leaked into a well near him dug, And so _ GossBie got into this jug; Now held in solution by ADam’s mild ale, Drink Gossxez in drinking sweet Naw of the Vale. == —— 3 Theatrical Note and Query. (By @ Playgoer of weak Inteilect.) Note—There is a little book recently published, called “The Buxton Guide. | Query.—Now, what Buxton? Is this not, pray, an indirect method of announcing the Spe Dancers, for we know of no other Guide just at | present that is all the people to Buckxstonz ? i ved guilty 2 S@e PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 95 MAINE MODEL LAW. Tue frequent occurrence of accidents from fire-arms at this season of the year suggests the question whether it would not be possible, at the cost of a little self-denial to a portion of the public, to prevent these le casualties altogether. The means by which this desirable purpose might, there is ever) reason to believe, be fully accomplished, would be the prohibition of the manufacture and sale of gunpowder for amy purpeses but those of Government. It is true that we are not as yet in possession of amy statistical facts tending to show that abridgement of the facilities for the purchase of this damgerous substance in has been attended by a pro- portionate deerease of the deaths, mutilations, and other bodily injuries from its incautious use on an img a given period in that locality. Official and other returns, ver, have clearly estab- lished that a decided diminution of eases of drunkenmess on eadeye has attended the partial restrictions which have beem imposed on the supply of mtoxicating liquors ; and it is not perhaps j ing too to a comelusion to mfer that, if no such drmks were wed to be sold at all, the result would be a very general, if met a total, ees- sation of iety. If this inference be allowed, it must also be admitted that the analogous measure of putting a to the trade in ap explosive would at least greatly limit frequency of explosions. The Maine Liquor Law Plt eee pel; eh pee U — Po Bw —_—s futsadiog li ’ a Ww; & a moe A us have such a law then; the sooner the better. Why not put that “villamous saltpetre” under bam as well has been em- bittered for life; how many a family has l an existence bereaved of its only sup- ort ; how many wives, sisters, children, have had to mourn the Frighifual and fatal consequences which legislation, by intercepting their cause, might have rendered impossible ! What valid reason can be assigned for the practice of shooting? It is notorious that partridges, pheasants, hares, nay woodcocks, and snipe, may be easily procured, for the rposes of the table, by catching them | in nets and snares, or simply one them on the head as they lie. | t As to the plea that the sport affords healthful exercise, surely the same amount and kind of exercise might be taken by walking through heath, turnips, and stubble, or over penabon fields, with a large stick | 4 . ron ae on the act of | striking down a bird on the wing, or a quadru running, doubtless | f caation instead of a gun. The mere will be cheerfully resigned when it is w great a preservation of human life and limb will be the reward of the sacrifice. As the principle gains ground of legislating to ent the misuse or the abuse of a thing by mterdieting its use, it will perhaps come to be eonsidered whether we had not better abolish penknives, because they sometimes cut fingers, and are no necessary steel pens. ‘The moustache movement also will be rendered imperative on the part of every man, since it is possible to get on well enough without shaving, but that operation eannot be d without | razors, and everybody will be precluded from obtaming those instru ments because some persons, if they got would commit suicide with them. Laws will ultimately be passed for depriving us of the ability to gratify any inclination which can be Pay improperly—in which case shall we any longer be men to the Russians, or a Se agen the sort of serviee whieh we are now rendering to the Turks ? THE FIRST OF SEPTEMBER. [From an Original Drawing by our Little Boy. ee now that we have |

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ae ee — 96 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. UH \ IG SASLEBLEEE™ Ns Asa ** MANNdssss* ae I | | Lady. “ You Bro — — ' DON’T MEAN TO TELL ME, Mary, THAT MY NEW CRYsTaL Mrik Jua is EVIL EYES ON NICHOLAS. “ As rrelts this effigy away, And as I thrust this image through, So may my enemy decay A nd Death’s sharp arrows pierce him too 9 Thus Malice mumbled o’er her spell And, as the wax was pricked and ran, So, Witeheraft’s ghastly legends tell, Transfixed with pains, declined the man. De Motay, writhing in the flame, ; Called Pope and Sovereign to appear With him at jadgment—and they came— Both died, at least, within the year. The laws of Sympathy are dark. ‘Tis said that Human Will hath fire Which flashes farther than the spark Can fly upon the speaking wire. Without a charm, or magic verse, The rays of Hate may dart so far, That some one’s bitter, deadly curse A Tyrant may have strength to mar. The death-look of a wounded hare It is not pleasant to abide, Conceive, then, Czar, the dying glare ee: Of victims crushed to glut thy pride. I *Mongst all those rays of horrid light ———— Aloft in fearful torment cast, F Will Heaven reflect not one to smite — Thee, Nicnotas, old wretch, at last ? Q. What four persons would be worth Mary. “ Yes,’M, t's THE ORKERDIST JUG AS HEVER I SEE—IT JEST TOOK, AND TUMBLED | Kighteenpence ? RIGHT OFF ITS "ANDLE!! WHICH [1's LEFT ITS "ANDLB IN MY ‘AND, ’M.” ’ THREATENED ANNIHILATION OF THE BRITISH ARMY We hope Miss Freprixa Brewer will abandon her design of getting up a Ladies’ Peace Society. An association composed of such elements might exert a most rous influence. Suppose Miss BaemeRr could succeed in inducing the generality of the young ladies of England to form a confederacy devoted to the prevention of war. | Imagine one of its rules to be that every member should take a pledge, | or enter into a solemn engagement, never to accept an invitation to dance at an evening party with an officer. The consequence would be that we should want chiefs to lead our troops to battle. Thus de- prived of national defences, we should fall an easy prey to Russia, or | any other invader. | We are afraid that a ve ‘or what inducement has anybody to enter the Army who can get a decent living without risking his life and limbs? Patriotism ? small minority of young gentlemen of the by a motive so serious and slow as that. ilory ? This is no object to the generality of Englishmen; moreover the chance of winning it is too slight to operate, in any considerable degree, as an incentive. Gain? Now that clothing colonels are abolished, an officer has no opportunity of thriving, and if he has only his pay to depend upon, he is poorly off indeed. In short, to any indi- vidual of common sense, and ordinary ideas, there is no temptation to accept a commission, much less to purchase one, except the preference given by the fair sex to military men over civilians. ut for the pre- dilection evinced by the female taste for a man in ared coat, hardly anybody but a clown would put on a garment of that colour, unless for the chase, or in the capacity of general postman. If Miss Bremer could contrive to persuade British Beauty to refuse its hand in the vane day are actuat | thé dansant and the soirée to British valour, we should vy be hard up for Ensigns and Lieutenants, next for Captains and Majors, in no long time for Colonels, and should ultimately be destivute of every single General and Field Marshal. The Great Problem of the Day Is,—Given Bradshaw, to find the way from any place to any place on any line. So highly does the solution of this problem exercise the intellect, that it is posed to add Bradshaw to those books of | Euclid, in which proficiency is required of candidates for honours at Cambridge. | A. One Joey, two Browns, and a Bob. “Taerz, my Bor! Ir 1sy’? EVERYBODY WHO COULD Do THaT!!” A Vacuum that wants Pilling up. Snvcz the Surrey Zoological Gardens are to be in the hands of the Teetotallers next year, it is rather difficult to imagine what they will get to supply the place of the volcanos that have generally done fire- work duty at that popular place of amusement. It is as clear as a drop of filtered water that they will have nothing to do with Vesuvius, or Etna, or Hecla, or any other disreputable mountain that is known rincipally by the violent eruptions that take place on its brow, and the earful explosions that issue at times {rom its flaming mouth—for such exhibitions would only be colouring a wrong moral, for we are well aware they are but the aggregate result of repeated drops of the “ crater.”

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iD Wi AVE / me lt Up tL: 7 Sh? ‘A Wl tétlhdlhidisus u =A/ -. = ’ | BD /\ iA : AGRICULTURAL DISTRESS. | British Farmer.“ WELL! HERE’S A PRETTY BUSINESS! I’VE GOT SO MUCH CORN, THAT I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO PUT IT.” Serremper 9, 1854.) (Puncu, No. 687.

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nin? RESTS EE PS

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. . 99 TO CORRESPONDENTS. Jazosn.—In reply to your inquiries as to the, period of the siege of Troy, the weight of the Elephafit that was shot in Exeter C the amount of the imports aad exports in 1703, and other interesting historical queries, we must refer you to one of oar Sanday contemporaries, who, in his Notices to ts, is steadily reprinting (we trast under Mz. Moxos's sanction) Havropw's “ Dictionary of Dates.” A Fiawcte.—We think that he had a right to look sulky, and had we been in his place, and you had said so to us, we should have refased to stay to supper, unless you had asked us very prettily indeed. Amays Oren inquires whether “ music” be really “ the food of love.’—We do not know, but it always inspires us with the love of food, as our correspondent shall see if he will invite us to oysters after a Huguenots night. A Docerer.—The Hebrew word means, in its primitive signification, a carpet-bag, and is so used by the Tal- mudists. But by gradual deduction, it has now come to mean Spanish liquorice, and you cen interpret it in whichever sense is least inconvenient to your feelings. The Bishop of London and the Puseyites take the first meaning, and therefore travel with portmanteaus only. The Independents and the Irvingites take the second, and, when they have coughs, will eat only horehound and alicampane. But, after all, what does anything mean? Words, if spoken, are but air, and what is the air? Oxygen, nitrogen, and a little carbonic acid gas. Will you be slave to a chemist's bottle? JocuLar.—We mustdecline “dressing up” your “ funny anecdote” about the #id bachelor who was so averse to making a declaration, that when he became a bankrupt he would not declare a dividend. We receive tons of such “ jokes" every week, to the great advancement of our credit at the cheesemonger’s. Paitivor Jovewis.—The white king may not castle at chess, the black only having that priv by the new rule of the Paris club. While the white knight is on a black square, a pawn must not take him, and the same rule applies with the black knight ona white square. At the Palace, and in the highest circles, it is not etiquette for a bishop to give check to the queen, but this rule is not of universal adoption. Miss Aycetica 8. N. a difficult question. Her elder sister is engaged, but Anog.ica, on calm reflec- tion, thinks that the young man would suit her better than the present object ot his affections. She is solely guided by a view to her sister's happiness, and wishes to know how to break off the proposed match, and secure the gentleman for herself, without causing any unpleasantness in the family.— We will think over it — meantime,as AwGecica is invited to spend a month in Paris, by all means let her go. V. L. P.’s obliging offer to give us some “ smart satirical shows-up” of the “would-be genteel the lawyers and tradesfolk of his,town (in Montgomery shire) is declined without thanks. A Warrse Lirry—Indeed, Miss, we shall not tell you where the best rouge is to be bought. But we will tell you where it is to be got for nothing, and that is in Kensington Gardens, from 8 to 10 a.m., but you must go every morning, walk briskly, and think over passages in your Punch. Graconvs wishes to serve his couutry in some way which will bring him into notoriety, but he has conscientions objections to fighting. We respect his ambition and his scruples, and will endeavour to meet both. Let him make his way into Russia, penetrate to St. Peters- burg, and paste the last twenty of our large cuts along the front of the Palace on the Neva, with explanations in the Russian language. We undertake to give, from the St. Petersburg Gazette, a faithful account of his execution. Wriiam Craycy inquires whether, as we are at war, the Postmaster Goneral is to read all the letters that are put into the offices before he allows them to be forwarded.— is the rule, but there is, we regret to say, an aristocratic evasion of it. Lozp Caxwine reads only the sealed letters, Mz. RowLayp Hit peruses all with adhesive envelopes, while the wafered ones are examined by Mr. Titty. Copies of all letters are made, and Lonp PAtmEnsTow keeps them under his seat in the House of Commons, ia order to be ready to answer questions about them. The number is about 360 millions a year. A Youyse Wirz has got inty a serape through taking the advice of a female pos St Srvend, =. now dis- covered to be and who persuaded her to run in debt at a milliner's, unknown to ber husband, who has always been very kind. The milliner presses for money. The /ricnd advises her being kept quiet out of the next cheque for housekeeping, and offers to manage the casting-up the bills.—We advise the wife to teli her husband what she has told us, and to add that we command him not to be angry with her, and we also advise that “not at home” be the answer for the future whenever the “ friend ” calls. Horativs (Southend) inquires whether there is any companion work to the Whole Duty cf Man, entitled the Whole Duty of Woman. We are not aware of it, but the latter Buttons. ” among | A Lover or Avow's Sway wishes to know whether we ean tell him the name of the sailor's wife who had chesnuts in her cap, and ate them in such an unlady- like manner. We have written to Sin James Gaanam, the First Lord of the Admiralty, and he has made Ma. Peawat Osponwe search the records of the Navy for us. The woman's husband was Master of the Tiger, and he went to Aleppo, in the year 972, that of Duw- | cas's murder. He was mach distressed on the voyage for want of sleep. His name was Tomas Jowes, and his wife's Christian name, as appears by her signature to the receipt for his pay, was Sagan. j Martiipa is in service, ana complains that because one of | the daughters of the house is named Martrupa, the mistress insists on the domestic being called Aywr. A young attorney's clerk, who lodges in the attics, says she can bring an action against the lady for taking away her good name.—We recommend a com- promise: let our fair correspondent withdraw her Marticoa, and the lady ber Axwa, and let the daughter and the clerk be joint referees and settle on a third name for her—say ARABELLA, or Sax. Lorp Freperic B—— is informed that we do not settle sporting queries, but that we believe the length of the course on which the Derby is run, is eighteen miles and a half, and that no competing horse must be over fifteen years of age. When it is said a horse “ loses a plate,” it means that he has not won the cup, vase, or whatever the prize piece of plate may be. A handicap | is so called from its being easy to put on and take off. A Sruswer sends us some sketches which he calls “ suggestions for sea-side shirts.” We have an objec- | tion, ourselves, to wearing pictorial Mmen, but, for the benefit of enterprising manufacturers, we will mention that our correspondent desires the Brighton shirt to | bear a large view of the Pavilion; the Margate gar- | ment a neat representation of the old jetty with the | new one crawling over it; while the article for use at | Herne Bay is to show a pier about three miles long, | witha es policeman at the end of the | vista. The effect would certainiy be very bbish A Beorwer had better leave off while he is safe. He asks us a poetical conundrum founded upon an Irish Melody: “ Why is a retired doctor like hearts that once | beat high for praise? more.” Jesurricvs Dramaticus says that he is convineed that the Stage is a mischievous institution, and that to encourage it with money would be wrong. But he thinks there can be no harm in going to the theatre with an order, and therefore asks us t forward him one. Jf he will come to the corner of Bride Court, on Monday morning next, at ten o'clock, he can wait there until we send the order out to him, unless the police remove him. Dewrivaice.— We believe that diamond dust makes very good tooth-powder. Amy respectable jeweller will give you a pint or so on your applying civilly, or you may get it pny the a a the Crown Jewels, at the Tower, for a small fee. Saturating the powder with cod liver oil (pale), makes (an Getedioe mass plonsest. 4.8.8. writes on behalf of himself and some friends who | have had a dispute as to the ceremony of presentation at Court.—it is simple. After rising from your knee, you stand out im the cirele, and Prince ALnnwr (whore taste ta notices any portion of the he feels the pulse no H.R. 1. inquires where it was bought, It is etiquette to be prepared with cards of all the tradesmen who have furnished your attire, and you hand in the proper one to the Mise tress of the Robes, mentioning the price, Then you on. The cards not used are the perquisite of the ishop ot London, Two Lirrie Pearwirentes.—Not ladylike, but not de serving the harsh censure and chastisement you deseribe. On another oecasion, when you see a young | respectable nobleman walking past your window, and you desire to make his acquaintance, throw something more graceful than a coal at him to attract bis atten tion, Yourmamma and may be too exacting, but ead i y bat not more so than the horses, foul anchors, dancers, } seuils, and cricket tools, still admired by gents. } A Provup Youre Moruer is informed that Mr. Punch | J never stands godfather to any darling whatever, no matter how angelic and unparalleled. The Royal | children are the exception to this rule, and are so, be- | cause in standing sponsor at the Palace, he is simply discharging one of his funetions as an institution of the country. } Sorasia’s handwriting is about the worst we ever saw, not even excepting that of our own contributors. We do not profess to judge characters from autographs, but since Sorputa insists, we should say that she was cross, idle, selfwilled, and uninformed, had red hair, wore her dresses badly made, slapped her little brothers and sisters, and came down to breakfast with her red hair | in curl papers. To her inquiry whether we think she | would make a happy wife, we reply that we don't know, but we think she would decidedly make an unhappy husband. | Particers Carmixis helped to steal a sausage-roll from a pastrycook’s shop in the year 1827, when he, P. C., was | a little boy. He has been haunted by remorse ever since, aad desires us to suggest some penance for his crime. We submit that with his present advanced | views of what is nasty, he had better steal another, and eat it. | Ispevaticsrie.—It is not ungrammatical to say “ him | and me see them as they was a coming,” but it is more elegant to frame the sentence differently, and we doubt | the accuracy of your assertion that the phrase as above is to be found in Mu. Macac.iar's History of Eagland. Jocuies Excnrews.—We believe there is such a book, but its more proper title would have been “ Jokes [ Ought to have put a Pen Through.” A Misernacce Wire had better have signed herself“ A justly punished Offender.” She deserves to lose her | husband's affection if she gives him such dinners as she describes. He allows her plenty of housekeeping money, and yet she is weak and criminal enough to expect that he will come home to mutton chops, aiter- nated by steaks. The plea that she lives in a large | house, and that the servants have quite enough to do withou (their time being taken up in “ finikin’ cooking” (as the coarse-minded woman puts it,) is almost worse | than the offence. We hope that her husband will con- | tinue to accept every invitation he recei ses, besides dining at his club when not asked elsewhere, until the woman buys a cookery book and condeseends to mind , OTH" CommumicaTions Recatven.—X. V.Y the business to which she bound herself at the altar. | Nanos.— We are not sure that we quite understand the legs! question as you state it. Is it thas? Your) grandfather, having no right to a house, devised it to his uncle-in-law, in trust for the direct heirs of his cousin, with remainder over to the collateral representatives of his father, who died without issue. So far all is clear. But levying the fine and suing out the super- | negit would not have barred the ontstanding term, and given the certificate in bankruptey the force of an escheat in tail male, anless you or your father, had ejected the rightful owner, and caused his tenants to attorn. The fact that you tried tw do this, and were kicked out of the house, is not « material fact in the | case. Consult a notary public. might be described in a single word— Cotone. SieTuorr.—The joke about a pear (pair) being two pears 4as been made before. ; r ber your daty, ou make faces in ly to their strictures, never do so while the servant ia in the room. It is small matters that make the lady. Fiaman« (Penzanee)— You are perfectly right in say ing that the bolting of any ome out prevents his boltiny in —that —y pm on tiek ia frequently tie doulou reux—that is nothing se touchy as touch-paper and that Nicuo.as makes his nobles “ "to pro vide the “sinews” of war, and the observations do | honour to your head and heart. Could you oblige us again? Apetove.—You must return either his affection or his presents, but we cannot advise you as to whieh you should do, unless we know what the latter are worth Do not be in a hurry. A marriage licence costs two pounds fifteen, a divorce a thousand pounds. Draw your own inference. Wriusasm Saweewcie.—With practice and «stady we have no doubt that you will beeome the first poet of the day. But you have not yet attained that distinction, although your verses are very sweet and pretty. The following—ell we have room for—breathe a natural spirit of chastened affectionateness : “ Bid me quaff the cup of pl o)ison, Lid me seek the deadly Upaa, But [ stil must keep my eyes on You, my radiant jair, when you pass! Hurl ma from tha heght of Snowdon, Dash me from Pliniymmon 4 brow, Still I’ betlow as I go down, That I love you then aa now.” Many Manta Mancanet.—Despair of being married? Don't be such « little silly. Thirty-seven last Decem- ber, and no offers. Whatof that? Perhaps you may may have thirty-seven offers before next December. What are you like? Send us your picture, and par ticulars as to the amount of your fortune. e'll take care of you. Bless you. Not be married! Bosh! | Bah! Bo! Quxerionen (Margate)—The Buddhists are a sect of Oriental religionists who offer the buds of roses, and other , ae . The Anabaptiots are so calied from their founder, Awwa Barren, who died 1729. The Pedobaptists, take their name from pedes (Lat.) “ feet,” because they stamp with their feet during service time, We never heard of the other sect you mention, the H ns, but pe doubt truth and error are mingled in teaching. (we should think he was, “rather”)—Mopestr Jane (hit him again).—Qoies (you may play the trumpet ai! night if you like).—Usuarry Seniwa (if you don't like fat, why eat it?)}—Loep Maiursouey (Tunis ie not in Mexico).—Biraows (wear the grey front when he is at home, the brown one when he is gone to business Teiascors (Uranus ie of a binish white evlour, and ite diameter is 36,8665 miles—if you are going there, give our love).—Asoe.ica (in sticking the look throngh the worm beware of king your fingers). Acexanpee Beaw Lean (a ing machine, No. 7, is hardly an address to give).—Land Pousmwna (the Nine Godse—the Dii Majoree—were HU encu.as, Piotarcn, Jovrren, Hasicaanasevs, Aroiio, Pua- pus, Possros, Nerrurs, and Coawetms Neros),— Parex (some people would give anything for a set ot Punch from the beginning).—Aris (get out with you). caine erga AA

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in aicindieilnes ee es co ee ri catia al LS 100 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. jy) ty fit ite SCENE—PALAIS ROYAL. Garcon (to London Gent). “ Votra!l M’steu! Le Caartvarnt—Frenca—a Puycn Goop Mornyine, Sane! On, I speak IncLers verra wett—I Live InoLees Correz tree Munss. O88 YaS—AaLL RIGHT !—-NEVARE MIND! !” [Jumps over three chairs, and vanishes, to the great astonishment of ToMKINs. A MOCK JENKINS AT THE PALACE. Jenxtns is weak enough—even though his be sometimes au “ amiable weakness” and means no harm—but a mock Jenxkuys is in literature what mockery would be to mock-turtle in the world of soups, or imi- | tation Walker in the region of sham champagnes. We regret to perceive that there are several imitation Jenkinses, whom we can only | compare to a species of mocking bird flitting about the columns of | rest”? we are told there were seve the newspaper press. They are seen perching sometimes on the window- sills of the palace, and sometimes on the area railings of the houses of the nobility, and after picking up what they can they hop off to the offices of some of the would-be fashionable journals. This feathered tribe will often indulge in such hoaxes as would entitle them to rank as “ humming-birds,” and we are disposed to believe that the qualities of the “ humming-bird” are displayed in a recent account of some alleged festivities at Osborne on Prince Ausert’s birthday. We are told, that on the occasion spoken of, there were “ jumping in sacks, wheeling barrows blindfolded,” and other fooleries, to which the name of “ Rural old English Sports” is usually given. “Among the candidates for a prize, “ who had their hands fastened behind them, and the task was to bring forth, from tubs of meal, money thrown therein, with their mouths” The report adds, that “as they raised their heads covered with flour, their Jndicrous appearance created roars of laughter.” Now, as the regular Court Newsman says nothing of all this, and as the great orginal Jenks is silent on the subject, we must regard the whole affair as a weak invention of the Mock Jexxrys, who has lately got posses- sion of the penny-a-liner’s “ flimsy.” We cannot believe that “jumping in sacks,” the fun of which consists in the probability that the jumpers may fall and receive some personal damage, can have been provided as “a dainty dish to set before the Queen ” on Prince ALBeRT's birthday, nor do we think that Her Masesty would have looked on with de- SING A TE DEUM! I’ve killed far above half a million of men, And more of them subjects, I reckon, than foes ; And expect to destroy full as many again, Ere my blessed existence shall come to a clese. Sing a Te Deum ; sing tol-de-rol-lol. 1 don’t care if they batter Sebastopol ! As long as I ’ve legions to lay down their lives, And throw themselves under the Juggernaut Car, Which my pride o’er their grovelling carcases drives, 1’m determined that I will continue the war. Sing a Ze Deum, &c. It little will vex me if Cronstadt should fall, 1’ve a plan that will make the invaders retire, For the fiddle I ’li play as I sit on a wall, While St. Tted ae g blazes—by me set on fire. Sing a Te Deum, &c. Whilst I have a hangman, a knout, and a stick, To drive my battalions, like beasts, to the field ; Or the point of a sword, the retreating to prick, tegardless of carnage, I never will yield. Sing a Te Deum, &c. I’ll pillage and burn as the champion of pure Christianity ; playing the gentle and meek ; And [’Jl quote from the Psalms with a visage demure, And I'll shoulder the Cross with my tongue in my cheek. Sing a Te Deum, &c. Let ruin and beggary stalk o’er my land, My peasants may starve and my merchants may smash : Go on to the Deuce! is my word of command: I have not got a conscience, and don’t care a dash. Sing a 7e Deum, &c. I know I’m a great inconvenience to some, And should in my person dislike to be hurt ; So, perpending the grief to which tyrants oft come, I shall take the precaution to wear a mail shirt. Sing a Te Deum, &c. To partake of my meals, ere a morsel I taste, I'll have a dog, when | sup, breakfast, or dine, And a slave at the back of my chair shall be placed, And the fellow shall drink first the half of my wine. Sing a Ze Deum, &c. trying to lick up filthy lucre by the still more filthy process of digging their tongues into sacks of flour. We have no doubt there are always about the court a sufficient number of mealy-mouthed people, without adding to the quantity by the nasty process of plunging a variety of mouths into a sack of meal in the very presence of the Sovereign and her family. We can only say that if such “ sports” were really provided on the occasion, the Master of the Kevels seems to be as much behind the taste of the age as he is, no doubt, behind that of the Royal lady whose favour he oped to propitiate. NEW NAMES FOR THE NAVY. Wirta considerable pleasure we see from the Times that— “ The greatest activity prevails in our dockyards. Several line-of-battle ships have lately been laid down, and are already in an advanced stage of forwardness.” When these ships are launched, we suppose it will be the duty of the Government to officiate as godfather, and as we are decidedly of those who think there ’s something in a name, notwithstanding Suaksrere’s purely nominal objection, we would suggest that the style of naval nomenclature in use hitherto should be discarded as being now com- pletely out of date and inappropriate. It is proverbially advised that we should “call a spade a spade,” and such bellicose tities as the Bulldog, the Terrible, the Vengeance, or the Fury, sound to us imposing only in the sense of make-pretence. The peaceful war policy of our resent Government would, we think, be indicated far more correctly y such names as the Lamd, the Reluctant, the Forbearance, the Harm- less, and our ships would thus no longer be sailing under false titles, as seems to be the case, especially in the Black Sea, just at present. light at the disgusting exhibition of a number of degraded beings Ovr Sanrtary Report.— The best Chalk Mixture: London Milk. a i, ine “8-44-55 8a -o-e ee 329 =a

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THE EMPEROR NICHOLAS. As Parytep sy Dr. Corrmay.) HIS simple _pure- mmded man has been most shame- fully libelled. From a long intercourse with his Imperial Majesty—from hav- ing eaten, smoked, and played at scratch-cradle with him for many a year —I am fortunately enabled to give some interesting particu- lars of his life, which have never before been published, To give a notion of his extreme sim- plicity, I will endea- vour to sketch the programme of his occupations for one day, and really his habits vary so little, that the description of one day may fairly do duty for all. The EMPEROR rises at six—never a minute later— he takes but ome his breakfast, and} he boils it himself with a “ Bachelor’s kettle.” If it is raining, he makes up his accounts of the previous day, but if it is fine, he goes into the garden, and pulls the garden roller about for an hour. At a quarter past eight he rings the bell for the| servants, never disturbing them before that time. His moustache generally takes him till nine. His mornings are mostly passed in ing-room. He sees that his razors are in good trim, gives his diamond boxes a rub or two, or else looks over his shirts and collars, for the Emperor mends all his own linen. After that he waters his flowers, of which he is passionately fond, or amuses himself by whistling | “the Russian Hymn” to a piping bullfinch that he has educated him-| self. His private room, in , is crowded with objects of natural history. It is a small menagerie. re is scarcely a square inch of space that is not oceupied by a glass globe, or a cage, or a kennel of | some sort. It is difficult to pick your way across the room without | treading on a rabbit, or a squirrel, or a guinea-pig, or knocking down a} canary cage with your hat, Parrots threaten to bite you on all sides— | little puppies and kittens crawl ap your legs at every step. The Emperor will pass hours among these favourites, playing with them, feeding them out of his own hand, scratching their “pretty polls,” or teaehing them some curious trick. In this way he has brought up a pet spider that answers to its name—he has a French poodle to strike a lucifer, light a pipe put it into its mouth, and begin smoking it—and still more won erful, he has succeeded in training an oyster, (an English native) that follows him all over the house. These amusements occupy the Ewpgnor till hancheon, which is just as simple as his other A small cup of tapioca with a dash of sherry in it, or else a small slice of toast and caviare, washed down with a glass of goat’s milk. He then receives his ministers, and if 1 death- warrant is brought to him to sign, he is pry It is imme- diately torn up imto a thousand pieces! he will to no more business that day—but, without a will rush into the garden and fly kites, or play at coach and horses with his grandchildren. His heart is so full that it must vent itself in play—and he will jump over a gardener’s back as he is ing down—he will throw an rs cap up in a tree that he may have the scampish delight of climbing up after it—he will send the ball springing through a large window of beautiful late-glass, simply that he may enjoy the surprise of the servants and ne ladies, who instantly rush out to inquire who is the author of the guilty fracture. It is most charming to observe the EmpeRor on such joyfi et. would i ine he was some simple country gen- tleman, and not t ¢ Czar of all the Russias, Then for three hours of uninterrupted application follow despatches, letters, proclamations, and ukases. The pay of some favoured regi- ment is increased—some poor political prisoner, exiled to Siberia quite unknown to the Ewprgror, is young Russian nobleman cup of cocoa for | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 101 ‘has his passport honoured with the signature of the Emreror, thus receiving the Lmperial permission to travel out of Russia. Nicnotas writes every one of his etters— his signature always proceeding from his own pen. These matters of state occupy hiS mind till dinner, which indeed is very quickly discussed. As the Empraor is a vegetarian—(and a vegetarian not so much from choice as from principle, as he objects to taking the life of a single living beimg)—the table is not oceupied by large joints of meat, nor the time taken up in consuming them. A fried potato, a stewed pea or two, a boiled cauliflower, a mouthful of roasted onion, with perhaps a small plate of cherry pic, and a custard to follow, complete his repast; which his Majesty w joy better than the grandest dinner you could give him at Astor Hotel. He will rise joyfully from the Imperial mahogany, and, with the smack of an epicure, exclaim, “I have dined to day—like a Prinee!” His favourite beverage is o ; but with his cheese, he wil! indulge occasionally by taking a of ginger-beer. In the evening he plays a omen, Oot never for money. Sone- times he will read out a fairy or nw tale to the ladies, as they are assembled round the table, busy with their needles. His great enjoy- ment is to make tea. Cri is another of his amusements, and, if he wins two or three games, his merriment knows no bounds. One of his favourite pursuits is to stick pictures and wings in an album. At ten his gruel is brought m with h candles, anc sanay eonenie Gp ust eliges before he walks up to bed carrying one in each hand. The acquirements of the Exrerom are very considerable. He can build a house of cards at least six stories high before they begin to fall, and he is very clever, also, in inventing riddles. When no one is nigh, he has been known to try them on the has often inte: a Cabinet Council to ask Nessrirope some laughable conundrum that has just struck him, His voice is beautifully clear and soft, and he employs it to great in singing hymns. He is, however, not above simging a comic song occasionally, and he does it with such rare humour, that the chamberiains always laugh, [lis ability in cutting out likenesses in black paper is the marvel of all those i witnessed it. Such are the tastes and habits of the great man, who has beem so dis- gracefully vilified by all Europe, but by England especially! It will be America’s proud glory (through me) to vindicate the character of this calumniated Hero ! if Honour to Nicnotas !—The New York Hatchet. Thrower, MRS. DURDEN ON THE BLOCKADF, Iw fat, and grease, There ’s some increase ; sut yet we haven’t ile, and tallur, And candles, rose As you'd suppose, All Rooshan goods, through British valour. The price of ’ides Still middlin’ bides ; There ’s no sich scarcity of leather : Our troops and crews Ain’t made our shoes Come so outrageous altogether. And this here war Of pitch and tar Makes little difference im the walley : Se your b e a’s trade Of Is all what { call dilly-dally. The Astronomical March of Intellect. Mr. Prrvenr, the able and indefatigable Managing Director of the Polytechnic, is siving « series of interesting jectares on the Precession of the Equinoxes. We understand that the manager of a minor theatre has written to know at what expense this procession might be introduced into a Grand Eastern The Manager supposing that the Great +7 Little a ap we the pro- cession, proposes that these imteresting rs should be repre- sented by living animals. He has also undertaken to get the composer of the establishment to “arrange” some entirely new music to the rocession, to be played by the Band of Orion—if the members of that enous euvhesten could bo-epen $0 an engigemeat. Forerve awp Foreet.—This maxim is admirable when applied to others, and to others alone should it be applied, for it will never do for you (unless youre an Offieer) to Forgive and Forget yourself, like a wise sovereign will insist upon ' @ ee

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z= a Pan . : 7, =4 Z7; AM: oP Gj (> Pura bayaig te at jg ala wht \3 Railway Porter. “ An¥ Luacacr, Sir?” Traveller. ** Yas—Carpet Bac ayp Cigar Case.” MR. BRIEFLESS AND THE COUNCIL ON LEGAL EDUCATION. We are authorised to state that in consequence of the recom- mendation of the Council of Legal Education respecting the public examination of law students, Mr. Brigriess is ready to take pupils | and give them his best consideration in return for the best pecuniary | consideration they may be prepared to offer. His plan will be very | comprehensive, and embrace all the subjects recommended by the | Council. He will commence with Rapin, and will particularly elucidate those chapters relating to the law of rapine and robbery. ‘The law of | Real Property will be richly illustrated with specimens of the thing | itself, and a theatrical property man has been engaged to make all the | properties as real as possible. The “liability of purchasers” will be | familiarly shown by vn Barer.ess himself, who will give the student | the run of his papers, and allow him the perusal of the innumerable | dunning letters to which purchasers—who don’t pay for what they purchase—are incessantly liable. The theory of “verbal contracts” will be exemplified in a pleasant way by ordering a dinner at the Rainbow, where the contract, though verbally made,will hold good, | and the student in return for this valuable illustration will be called | upon to pay merely the cost of the dinner. The important science of | the “natural obligations,” arising from ownership, will be shown by | the aid of several rn tickets, on which the owner is “naturally obliged” to pay the interest.—N.B. The pupil will be expected to furmish the funds for this highly useful practical lesson. As a sequel to the “ liability of purchasers,” a few examples will be given of the “ liability of vendors,” who are very liable to lose their money if they <— to give credit. _ dn common law the student will have an opportunity of watch- ing, from experience, the effect of every step from the service of the writ of summons at Ma. Briervess’s own outer-door, by pushing it through the letter-box, to the final adjudication. The above sketch, though incomplete, will it is believed, enable those young gentlemen who are entering on the study of the law, to calculate on the advantages they will gain by being the pupils of Mr. Briercess.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

——== THE ONE POWER. Ix every street is a yawning sewer ; In every court is a gutter impure ; The river runs stinking, and all its brink Is a fringe of every delectable stink : Bone-boilers and gas-works and gut-makers there Are poisoning earth and polluting air. Bat touch them who dares; prevent them who can; What is the Health to the Wealth of man ? The potent spirit of Vested Right Laughs lungs to scorn, and smell and sight : Mocks Boards of Health, with their idle commands; | Lames Commissioners’ feet, and ties Guardians’ hands. Come what may to husband, or child, or wife ; Work havoc at will on limb and life ; The evil shall flourish this many a day— For Vested Right still stops the way ! The fever-fiend may come to the door, And level at will both rich and poor ; The child’s fresh life may wither up ; To manhood’s lip set his poison-cup ; Steal age’s last be years away, And swing his scythe like a mower at play ; } Only Vested Rights are sacred from death, And none has a vested right in his breath. Oh, England ’s a favoured land, no doubt, And wide her power is spread about. Under Indian suns her might is known, And she shakes the Czar on his frost-locked throne : But there ts a Power that ’s mightier still, That mocks her efforts, and spurns her will— A Power none can or none wills to fight, The omnipotent power of Vested Right ! Oh, when is the Davin to arise That shall smite this Gotraru betwixt the eyes ? That shall take his own sword from his side, And hew off his head from his shoulders wide ? | By force of Right slaying that which long ' With the name of Right hath sanctified Wroxg 7 We die—we cry—for one to fight With this Giant usurper—Vested Right /

: — 4 << . Bi. itl} ae NSS ANAM i Bete SANTI fy ~ ~L ‘ = Nise ~

How ovr ARTIST WAS TORMENTED BY THE FLIEes, aND THE MEANS HE EMPLOYED TO OBTAIN RELIEF. A Travetter.—Anybdody who wants anything to drink. — Walker.

Prigted by William Bradbury, of No. 1" City of Loodon.—Saruana:, Septem er 9, 84,

oper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Paocras, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 27 im the Coaary of Midd esex, Printers at their Odice im Lombard Street, ia the Precinct of W hisefriars in the City of Loadoc, Vierorta Street, in the Pamsh of St. Margaret and St. John, Westminster, both snd Published by them at No. %, Fleet Street, ia the Parish of St. Brice, in the

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 103 —— a o~ . - HARVEST HOME. } ' | MISFORTUNES may never come single ; but still | Some good, perhaps, always attends upon ill ; Aithough, such a poor blinking buzzard is man, We can’t always see it, yet sometimes we can. We've been forced into war in defence of the Right, By a brutal big bully six feet odd in height, The greatest of thieves who may well be defined, In every respect but in greatness of mi This villain attempts to cause famine and dearth, Destroying and burning the fruits of the earth, | But above the foul fiend are the sun and the skies, Overruled to thwart Nicno.as, monarch of Lies. That the incense of thanks should ascend it is meet, For the Harvest that brings us such plenty to eat ; May the oe food give strength to our hearts and our hands, To win peace from the Czar and his villanous bands! Very Close Husbandry. Ir was stated last week in the papers that many farmers had given their labourers notice of a reduction of wages, in consequence of the bountiful harvest. 1s this the way ‘o show gratitude for such a blessing? Those grinding agriculturists, who are capable of ucing the wages of their labourers for such a reason, deserve to be reduced themselves, so as ultimately to be set to work at macada- mizing the roads in the capacity of reduced farmers. Awrct APPEARANCE OF OUR FRIEND JONES AFTER HAVING ENJOYED () A Day's CRICKETING, WITH THE ADVANTAGE OF PLAYING AGAINST A Fast “ PROFESSIONAL” | Bowrer. (Mrs. J.’s first suspicion is that her Husband has been acting as Umpire) Tue Racx.—The place where men who are in the habit | door. He says he does not know an instance at a Prize-fight.) of drinking generally keep their minds and their bottles. | WHAT IS A TRAVELLER ? SAYINGS AND DOINGS OF ROYALTY. | br LL the Boulogne corre- | v ay, spondents of the London EY Ya pers have been pro- essing to give the exact words, d by cer- tain imperial and royal personages to each other, on the occasion of their recent meeting. Not having had the happiness \ to secure a reserved seat , on the railings, or a stall —we mean a fruit stall —under the immediate | nose, eyes, and mouth of | royalty, we are unable to say precisely what | dropped from the last of | the features we have specified. According to one of the accounts we | _ have read, Louis Naro- | Leow and Leoroip ap- ' proached each other like a couple of tragedy heroes, and the Emperor com- menced a long speech beginning with the word “Sraz,” just as “ the We know a jovial old gentleman, who has answered this question very cleverly: — He knocks at the door of an hotel, or public- house, aud demands admission on the plea of his being a traveller. Upon his being questioned or | = produces one of Murray's Hand- books. is is as good as an “ Open Sesame ”’ at | once, for how can a gentleman’s word be doubted that he is a bond fide traveller, when he has a crimson Guide to Switzerland, or Sweden, or Turkey in his hand? The Gentleman we are alluding to always makes a point of carrying | one of these useful “ Handbooks” with him | when he travels on a Sunday—even if his travels | do not exceed a sixpenny cab-fare from his own | of its having failed to open the door once. In fact, for ourselves, we oe always heard that a Murray’s Handbook was universally looked upon as an undeniable post of an English ‘Traveller all over the world. THE QUEEN’S LETTER. _It is said that Paryce Apert, after taking | his seat in the carriage of the Emrrnon oF THE | Frencu —— to his Majesty a Pom yt ee sup to an au rom EEN i ad Victoria. If this was really the case his Royal svesieeidnatthe "hese y Highness must have infringed the rules of the | on” in a S c hich is rath F h Post Office. and - himself t man” in a Surrey drama. Our own impression, from our acquaintance—which is rather eo oa or subjected himself to a | select than otherwise—with crowned heads, is, that kings and emperors do not speak in blank er pea lat ty. It is against the law to | Verse, though they do not talk in the slang of excessive familiarity; there is, however, a | though iS este LF oy pane, So Foenes, qrosideralie margin me glee, of oftivam Netouse i .. “old yt modern, ry the | : | “sire” of ancient tragedy. We believe that the royal personages y assembled a logne Prince, that the letter was in fact stamped, for | met and talked like gentlemen, without either the courtier-like fooleries of Noopie and | the Queen had given her head to it. Should | j y the letter have been a private one from any other | Doopzz on the one hand, or the utter unceremoniousness of Box and Cox on the other. hand, we may expect to find that an item of ten- | = == pence, the y Bm. on a letter between England | . se and France, has been sent as “conscience money” | How Acts axe Watxep Ixto!—It must be confessed that Parliament, in failing to to the Cuancetton or THE Excueguen for | give the definition of “A Traveller,” in the New Beer Act, has left the door rather stupidly unpaid postage.” open for its evasion. | | | } } VOL. XXVII. - M

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¥ << OE te —— 5

| 104 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | PHYSICIANS IN MUSLIN. 1 VERYBODY knows that the Doctors’ gowns are not by worn in this coun- try trimmed with skirts or flounces, although it seems to be the fashion to wear them so in America, if we may credit the sub- joined extract from the New York Tri- bune :— “Pemate Paver otass.— The Masea- chasetts Legi-lature, at its last session, ap- propriated funds to the New England Fe male Medical! Colleges located in Boston, to pay for the tuition of 40 students annually.”

Can none of our illustrated contemporaries give us an idea of the costume adopt in America by the female medieal profession? That of the physician of the old school, tastefully adapted, would be becoming. ‘The hair might be powdered, and gathered at the poll in a qguewe. Where the dress sets off bebind, the place of the little rapier might be supplied by a Cupid’s dart, in an elegant case or quiver, stuck diagonally across the prominence. ‘The gold-headed cane could be matched by the gold-handled parasol. It would be necessary that the costume should be of the BLoomer species, in order that the idea of it might be carried out by shorts (elongated to a suitable extent) of black velvet, with their accompaniments and continuations of silk stockings of the ame colour, and gold or silver buckles. Perhaps, after all, there is no great absurdity in the notion of female physicians. All physicians, except those who practise gratuitously, may be designated by the word female spelt with another ¢ ; and there are not a few of whom that is all that can be said. If the head of a woman is not calculated for the formation of a diagnosis, she can at least shake it, in a difficult case, as effectually as a man can; and, having a softer and more musical voice than the masculine, she is better qualified than most men are for that large part of medical practice which consists ia whispering comfort to invalids. , The Ladies’ College in London does not, we believe, grant medical degrees; but there appears to be no reason why it should not, if it chooses, confer on its students the distinctions ef Spinster and Doctress of Medicine. Nor is there any law, that we know of, to prevent a lady from serving an apprenticeship to a general practitioner, attending lee- tures, walking the hospitals, drinking beer, and.smoking — if she likes, and passing an examination at Apotheearies’ Hall or the College of Surgeons. It is quite possible that in a short time Savile Row may exhibit a succession of brass plates, engraven with the names of lad.es who have brass enough to place them on their doors. GIVE US THE PAPER.—WHO’S DIVORCED? We have received a file of papers from California, and we learn that the go-ahead population of that region have caused a new feature to be introduced into their newspa In the announcements of Births, Marriages, and Deaths, the e ifornians imitate our own press,—except that they frequently give the weight of the new baby, that they eschew the humbug which supposes that one parson cannot unite a lady and gentleman without “ assistance,” and that they occasionally launch out into franker and more specifie laudations of a deceased party than is usual here—indicating, if he were a tradesman, what article he was celebrated for selling in perfection and cheap, and not hesitating to re- cord that he was a “witty chap and a crack shot.” But they have added a fourth estate to the list, and between the Marriages and the last announcements they insert Divorces. And as divorce is cheap and easy in America, the papers are seldom without some notification of the kind, and of the reasons for the step which has been taken. Shall we ever come to thisim England? Will divoree ever cease to be the exclusive right of the rich man? And shall we ever read any- thing of this kind in the first column of the Times 7— DIVORCES. “ Om the 18th oltimo, at the office of the Separator-General, Farpenicxk Mowtaov® De Jowns, Beg. from Anapatea bis wife, formerly Anapetca Baows, spinster,

daughter of Bauxanas Baows, of Old Partington Street, M.D. She wasn't going to the same person. stand his staying out after twelve o'clock every night, and then eoming home in a state of mops and brooms and tumbling up stairs, she could tell him, and did tell him before the Separator-General “On the 19th imst., by special licence, at Messus. Raperr axyp Brrrow’s offices, Hawa Locos Tomxussos, Esq. from Marcanert his wife, formerly Mancanet Dovps, widow. Her tongue. “On the 20th tust., at the District Separators, May Fair, Tnsoruy, Eart or Can- pawums asp Reprerres, K G., from Locketta, his Countess, formerly the Hovovras.e Lockeria Jette, Maid of Honour. He did not mind HoweLtt amp James's, or Hoyt ayxp Kosxenn’s, but whea she came to éearté at three in the morning, it was time to draw a line. “On the 2ist, at the District Separator’s, St. Paneras, Joaw Peres Fawxa, Attorney- at-Law, from Eccew Avatoisa, his wife, for Mis Moowsuixs. He thought she had money ; she rhought he was romantic. were deceived. “On the 23rd, at the chapel, Kensal Green, Passos Caanies Toors, M.D., from Emus Martitva, his wife, formerly Exua Matruoa Veawow. Her old flame, Caprar Hoasace B——, has just become a rich widower. Besides, Towss smokes, and some- times swears.” Mr. Punch sineerely hopes never to read anything of the kind. But who knows ? SPIRITUAL PERFORMANCES. We are informed by the Spiritual Telegraph, a new American paper, that aets as a kind of Telegraph between the Present and the Past, delivering messages from the other world at so much a line, that— “ The latest reports speak of # mew drama dictated by the Spirit of Smaxesre irr: and superior to any of his former works. It has been read to the manager of the Broadway Theatre, and is now about to be brought out as one of the greatest curtosities. Here is Novelty, that promises to be an effectual cure for the Decline in which our Drama is said to be in! Could not our managers,—our Bucxstones, our Suitns, our Cuartes Keays, and Conquests— engage the same “ Spirit” to write them a few dramas ?—dramas that should be superior to Macbeth, or the Midsummer Night’s Dream, or any of the same Drama’ ist’s former works; though by the by, if they were only as good, we should be perfectly content. We foresee but one difficulty to this very original plan—and that is the scarcity of Shak- spearean actors. If our managers engaged the Spirit of SHakspPeare to write them a tragedy, they would also have to engage the Spirits of other actors to act it, for we are sure we have but very few performers of the present day who could do justice to it. However, this double plan would only enhance the attraction, and we cam imagine the excitement produced by an announcement like the following :— On Monday next will Positively be Produced \ NEW FIVE-ACT PLAY, } CALLED } | NAPOLEON BUONAPARTE ; Warrtey sy ree Sperert or Tae cetevratsep Witwam SHAKSPEARE And in which the Spirits of Messrs. Edmond Kean, John Kemble, i Charles Kemble, Bannister, Oxberry, Incledon, Abbott, Egerton, Warde, Mrs. Siddons, Miss O Neil, Mrs. Billimgton, &c. &c. will periorm. Assisted by various other Spirits of Minor reputation.

The Scenery by the Spirits of Vandyke, Hogarth, and Sir Joshua Keynolds; and the Dresses and Decorations by the Spirits of Brum- mel, David, Gros, and Stuitz; all of whom have been engaged at an enormous expense. The Incidental Dances will be presided over by the Spirit of Vestris (the acknowledged “ Dieu de la Danse.”’) } tS A Subordinate part will be played by the Spirit of the ' “ Iuwowrat Bago” himself, who has kindly consented (through « talented Spirit-Medium) to return to the Stage on this occasion only. *,* NB. No increase in the prices. The above would be something like a Bill!—a Bill that would be instantly honoured by thousands “at sight,” even if it were only “second sight.” We have but one fear that there would not be a Spirit Vault in the kingdom large enough to contain the thousands who would rush to ‘hear the Spirited performances. We have, also, another fear, that this new scheme (whieh would not be in the least sacrilegious) of calling “Spirits fron the vasty deep,” and getting them to answer to the “call” (by the way, who would be the Spiritual Call-boy to this modern theatre des Bezur Exprits 7) is far too Spiritual ever to be carried out. Btack-Batt Practrice.—A man was never black-balled at a Club yet, but it turned out afterwards that somehow “his name had been put up without his consent.”

Derixetion, 4 /¢ TALLEYRAND.—Ingratitade is only a painfal feeling of consciousness that there are no more favours to be reeeived from

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| Borneratt—we beg PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL EXCUSE FOR HORSE GUARDS. E must not be too hard upon the gallant officers, of whom the late Court-Martial on Lwrev- TENANT PERRY was constituted ; we should not too severely con- demn the Gengrat COMMANDING- 1n-Curzr for recommending the confirmation of the judgment of that tribunal. Such a verdict, such a sentence, on the part of a civil judge and a common jury, would certainly have been simply atrocious. But it is unreasonable to expect the judgment of Soxo- mon from judges not endowed with Sotomon’s advantages; and when their learning and abilities bear no proportion whatever to . those of Socomoy, it is only reason- . able to be satisfied with a corres-| ’ ponding amount of justice and wisdom in their decision. The| “Memorandum,” entitled “ In- structions for Officers on first) joining a Regiment or Depot,”| contains much—very much—in addition to the spirit of pure moralit which it breathes, that will palliate the iniquity of the award in question. | For instance, take the very first paragraph: in which it is stated that the Generat Commanpinc-ts-Curer had apprehended that certain | “ inconsiderate officers ” “ Might bring their regiments into unless, in their social conduct towards each other at their mess-table and in their barrack-rooms, their behaviour should be regulated by a higher standard of what is due to the honourable position in which they stand as holders of commissions in Hem Maszstrys Army. _ Regulated, that means, by a higher standard of moral amd gentleman- like feeling. If the author of the above-quoted clumsy pieee of cireum-_ loeution hesitated to express his meaning in plain terms, be should of | course have said “estimate,” not “standard.” “ Standard of what is due!” What corporal’s grammar you would cal] this, if you did mot see that the document is signed with the name of a Deputy-Adjutant ' General ! Here is a similar specimen of composition :— “ The case ‘originated in a disgracefuPscene of deep gambling in a barrack room at Windsor, between Lieutenant Greer and Ligurenant Peury, terminating in a violent assault, in the course of which the most disgusting language was applied by Lisurexayt Greer to Lizurenawt Perey.” In the course of the assault, or in the course of the “scene of deep gambling?” Why “scene,” when there were no spectators? “ Affair” is the word that would have been used by any decent clerk. One more example will perhaps be just tolerable :— “The language and behaviour whieh formerly were held to justify a challenge must now, therefore, be visited by the removal of the offender from the society of which be has shown himself to be an unworthy member. Every assistance and support are given to the young officer in his endeavours to avoid rendering himself liable to those consequences.” What this last sentence is intended to express is quite inconceivable. What consequences are which it declares that the young officer, in his endeavours to avoid liability to them, receives support and assistance ? Those mentioned in the preceding h are the removal of an offender from a society of which he has shown himself to be an unworthy member by language and behaviour which were for- merly held to justify a challenge. Does then Derury ApsutTant- GzeneraL WeTHERALL, whose name is appended io the memorandum wish to be understood as stating that young officers are assisted supported in their endeavours not to be insolent? If not, what does don, Wetuersti—mean’? And if he does mean that, is it his wish to imply that a young officer finds it so difficult to abstain from insolence as to stand in need of support and assistance in making the necessary effort ? Great allowance must be made for the errors in judgment of those who have manifestly not enjoyed the advantage of the simplest English education. Minds untrai to ex their ideas in common language are not likely to understand the plainest rules of evidence. An illiterate jury may, once in the way, return a virtually just verdict of “ Sarve un right,” but is mach more likely to decide against testimony in the face of both law and justice, When heads at Head Quarters are so badly furnished as they are shown to be by the foregoing examples of grammar and logic, what must be the vacuity of those which are sub- ordinate ? But, if a Court-Martial and Commander-in-Chief have committed brutal injustice, have they not the excuse of equally brutal ignorance THE CZAR’S TREMENDOUS SACRIFICE. lw reference to the four conditions for the restoration of peace, tendered by Austria to the Czar, we are informed by Submarine and European h “The Eupsron Nicmonas would rather sacrifice his last soldier than accept such propositions.” As self-constitated Head of the Russo-Greek Chureh, Nicnotas is Pontiff as well as Czar. Im the character of High Priest he offers sacrifices, in of Antoerat he provides victims. The Russian Gen tleman is quite a patriarchal sort of mage, combining, in himself, the capacities of Priest, King, and herd. The mutton, however, | which he devotes to his gods, is a two-legged species, and may perhaps have some little voice in the question of its own immolation. I[t is well that he has ished hus imtention of sacrificing his last soldier rather | than his pri His slaves will now have some le to consider how they like, and whether or {mot they can help, being sacrificed by their master to Moxocn. A BRILLIANT BLACK JOB. We are happy to hear that the Soeiety of Shoe-blacks is progressing with a most satisfactory rapidity. Those who are employed in giving a polish to the understandings of others must be gaining some enlighten- ment on their own account; and they are, at ali events, learmng to regard dirt as a thing to be got rid of. A good deal of money has been earned ; but, although we dare say it is all right, we were somewhat startled by the expenditure of £205 for “carrying out the society.” Wedo not see what occasion there can be to “carry out the society” at such a cost as this; and, indeed, a society may be carried a long way, in these days of rapid progress, for a very little money. We should be perfectly satisfied to see less money devoted to “ carrying out the society,” and more to carrying out the blacking. People who “ Haven't always been used to that Sort of Thing.” Lope ixé-House keepers, billiard-markers, charwomen, betting house keepers, check-takers, pew-openers, -aners, commission agents in the wine and coal trade, wet-nurses, the “walking gentle- man” at a large theatre and the “frightful example” at a temperance leeture. A JEW WHO SEES PURTHER THAN HIS BOSE. A tone-sicutep Jew, of Holywell Street, has sent his ecard to Cotowen Garrett and all the Officers of the “th, with the intimation that he gives “ the best price for uniforms that military gentlemen have no further use for.”

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ar THE FRENCH CENT GUARDS AND THE BRITISH LIFE GUARDS; OR, SIX OF ONE, AND HALF-A-DOZEN OF THE OTHER. PUN CH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL A WORD TO ALARMISTS. STRINGENT measures should be taken for stopping the mouths of all old women, of either sex, who go about gaping and staring and spreading exaggerated rumours respecting the partially prevalent epidemic; and it would become some of our contemporaries to treat the subject otherwise than in the spirit of anile consternation. Let the old ladies be got to confine their attention to scrubbing and washing their abodes, and employ themselves in useful precaution, instead of creating terror and alarm. The influence of fear in producing those morbid phenomena which, if unchecked, may terminate in the disease alluded to, is matter of popular and even puerile notoriety. For this reason those who are concerned in spread- ing a panic do a great deal of mischief; and they ought to be smothered. For the same reason it is but just to say that the greatest credit is due to Sir Bewsa- “tn Hawt for going into the Python’s mouth, personally inspecting the infected districts, and encouraging and assuring the inhabitants by his official presence as President of the Board of Health. Who is not ashamed of giving way to | fright, that thinks of our soldiers and sailors | who are braving wounds and death! At the | same time they do all they can to defend themselves. We should imitate their courage and their caution. A Card. Mapame Trssaup has sent her compli- |ments to the Dean anp Cuaprer or West- minsteR, begging to say that, far from charging £200 for the statue of Campset, she shall be very happy to exhibit it, in her collection of poets and celebrities, for nothing! A BLOW; AND GREAT ENCOURAGEMENT. Tu new Smoke Abolition Act was intended | to annihilate smoke, and yet indirectly it encourages it, for does it not profess to indict | all chimneys that do not smoke consumedly? | THREE EPOCHS OF HALF-A-CENTURY. 1804. I wonper what his thoughts were—that sallow, silent man— As Athwart the lives of bayonets the dancing sunlight ran, Steeping in golden glory the white tents on the down, And the old gray Roman watch-tower that looms o’er Boulogne town. Along the heights above the sea, al the beach below, The cannon and the mortars showed their muzzles all a-row. There were twice a hundred thousand men, that waited but a breath From those firm lips, to fling themselves, rejoicingly, on death. Ribbing the sky with masts and yards, like a wood on a winter day, Within the land-locked basin three hundred transports lay. And the soldiers swarm’d aboard them, and swarm’d ashore again, As in and out their galleries the ants swarm after rain. Did he think of all that he had done—or of what was Of nations he had conquer’d, or of oe still to subdue | Was he prouder that he stood there, acknowledged Europe’s lord, Or angrier one small island should yet defy his sword ? For from that tower by daylight, if seaward turn’d his gase, the ne To the maddest act that madman did ever yet essay ? Netson’s blockading squadron show’d its white sails “the cliff—on the verge, bat full in si beacons blazing, like red eyes, , if his dared put to sea ; If after dark he There were Eng And he knew those ships were waiti finds And he knew those fires were lighted by men who still were free. And though his soldiers, ships, and He knew what Englishmen could do— guns w were as twenty unto one, hat Englishmen had done. yet to do ?— t the night. Like an unquiet tiger, that chafes, and champs, and cries | Before a couchant lion, that stirs not where Re lies, | So chafed fierce France upon the cliff which looks on Boulogne town— So still—so stern—lay England, upon the Kentish down. 1840. | I wonder what his thoughts were—that shabby, silent man— | As thirty-six years later to shore a pinnace ran, | Bearing a homeless penniless adventurer, with his train, A draggled pinioned Eagle, and some cases of champagne. Was it trusting’to the magic of his great uncle’s name, That on a desperate venture thus recklessly he came ? Or deemed he, like that uncle, he was following a star, | That beckoned him still forwards, on a road no force could bar ? Had he well read the people, when thus he came unto Their sympathy with hardihood, their love of /’imprévu ; Deem’d he the attendant eagle would guarantee the Jove ? | Or was ’t trust in five-franc pieces—like to his with whom he strove? | | Did he foresee the downfall of that throne that seemed so sure ? Deem’d he that desperate evils would hail a desperate cure ? Was it Debt, or was it Destiny that drove him on his way | | How tured he on the scanty band that made his cause their own? Saw he or they the shadow of Revolution thrown | From the dim Future forwards ’—saw he the page Opening upon the palace? His thoughts—what man can tell? Enough that to this shore he came—landed and fought and failed : that madman’s enterprise—nor ever after—quailed ; | Nor in ye ee ‘Oo, WAN aidag sl 1s ‘890 “ON ‘HONQG)

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 109 A pleader for his forfeit life—a prisoner—but still Silent and stern and saturnine, and of an iron will. We cite the first Narotzon, when a banned and banished man, With his handful of old grenadiers he sprang to shore at Cannes, As one who threw a desperate throw, and thereby won a throne— What was he unto his nephew—in ¢Aaé landing at Boulogne ? 1854. ‘ I wonder what his thoughts were—that sad-eyed, silent man, As alongside Boulogne’s jetty England’s royal steamer ran ; | While with a King beside him, that adventurer was seen _ thundering at them in a way to turn sour ail the | and yet he cannot give satisfaction. He has even published Greeting, as Emperor of France, the Consort of our QueEn ? The ships around are gay with flags, the streets are green with boughs ; The people press about him, with cheers and prayers and vows ; lhe court, the camp, the church, its best, its bravest, holiest brings ; There stands the madman of a Kaiser among kings ! What memories are sweeping through that impassive brain ? Thinks he of that first lamding—of his out-at-elbows train ? Of the oath—or of the ballot—or of June’s red barricades ” Or thinks he of December’s yet bloodier fusillades ? Or turns he from the past—with its bead-roll of dark deeds,— [ts desperate eneoumters with yet more desperate needs, To the present with its trials, its triumphs, and its tasks, Or is’t of the veiled future, her secret that he asks ? Is he thinking how what shall be may wipe out what has been ? How the blood-staims may be hid from sight under the laurels green ° How long Prestige of Power may into ines awe The still small voice of Nemesis, the claims of Right and Law ? Why questionthus? Heavensends the scourge ; but in that cuidinghand, What chastens still to blessing turns. So doth this man’s command. Own we in him an instrament, through sin, and pain, and blood, That worketh still, as all things work together, unto good. Tis due to him that France’s flag floats side by side with ours, | Tis due to him that France’s hosts are leagued with England’s powers ; Thankful tor this, ’twere out of place too curiously to scan, Through the good deeds of the monarch, the ill deeds of the man. “YOU JUST LET THAT TUB ALONE.” Tue Witlers must not blame us. We always told them that their Organ played flat—flat as yesterday-drawn beer—and now they are finding it out for themselves. They have held a large meeting to proclaim their discovery that the Morning Advertiser is unworthy of them. Cremorne, and Hampton Court, and the Coalhole all open fire upon the unlucky Tub, which rolls helplessly about like a buoy smitten by eannon-balls. “The victuallers must in justice to themselves encourage other papers,” says one victualler. “ It rested with the trade, if not to give up the organ, to get rid of the present organ-blowers,” says another. | A third speaker announces that “the Morning Advertiser is barely tolerated im many houses. Asa literary production it is far behind the age ; in point of intellect, it is a disgrace to the trade, and far in- ferior to the articles in the Family Herald and other penny publi- cations.” A fourth complains that Prince Apert is abused by the poor Tab, and that “Sim Wiii1am Moteswortn had been held up to the public as a demon of darkness in its pages.” A fifth is “ obliged by rules to take in the paper, but hopes to get rid of it;” while a sixth goes savagely at our unlucky friend Jenkins On The Beer Barrel :—“ It was the management that was reducing the Morning Advertiser to its present wretched, canting, drivelling condition. Why, they actually offered a gentleman five shillings per week for undertaking to supply the fashionable news of the paper, but afterwards consented to mabe it three half-erowns ! ” We deeply sympathise with our contemporary, who is thus assaulted on all points, and who is to understand neither the interests of his clients the witlers, nor the polities and fashion for which he sacrifices them. We hardly know what advice to give him. He has abused the Roman Catholies with every injurious epithet in the language, r of all his pcces, iom of the most wonderful and adventurous tour that perhaps was ever accomplished singe Hogarth and his friends went to Gravesen but the startling narrative, brilliant sketching, and deep philosophy o the work failed to tell He has printed and praised the jerks and spasms of that convulsive vituperator the “ Englishman Out of Bedlam,” , but people, touching their foreheads, said with Miss Fuivrre, “ A little M. you —, He | her has landed Mrz. Urzquuaar, and even proclaimed temperance-lecturer. Lory Dup ey Srvart’s fitness for office. He has committed ludicrous | typographical errors, and, might notice them, has noms for them next day. What more, we ask in all earnestness of pleading for an oppressed me can a poor party do who MAC. wishes to make a journal famous ? will not see the Tub ill- treated; we fought for Perry, and certainly shall not “forget the | We will trouble the witlers to let | humbler creature, Small Beer.’ that Tub alone. , SLEEVES AND SAUCE. Tae most stupid and ugly fashions always last the longest. How many years the long dresses have swept the streets! For the last twelve months bonnets have been flying off the head, and so, probably, they wiil continue for twelve more. However, the bonnets are simply ridiculous. As to ong dresses, there is some- thing to be said for them. They are convenient to aged ladies. They enable them to enjoy, without attracting ¥ remark, the comfort of list ity 4 slippers and laced stockings | ye and rollers for their poor y old ankles. They render it possible for young ladies to wear bluchers and high- lows, thereby avoiding - washing, by —?_. one pair of stockings last a week. So they will doubt- damp feet, and to save | less continue to be worn whilst the laws of Fashion are dictated by a splayfooted beauty, or a lady troubled with bunions. But this kind of apology cannot be made for ing sleeves. are not only absurd but inconvenient. ‘Lhey are always getting in the way, and the sauce, and the butter-boat. to a potato across the table but she upsets her glass, and breaks it with angling sleeve. help potatoes—that there ought to be footmen in attendance for that urpose. Certainly: or else, she should not wear the sleeves, But fois must, of course, follow the height of fashion, whether suitable to their circumstances or not. Could not the leaders of fashion, then, in pity to the less opulent. classes, devise and sanction a kind of sleeves adapted to life in a cottage—whether near a wood or elsewhere—to be called cottage sleeves, and to be worn,by the genteel cottager-classes without prejudice to their gentility ? Putting too fine a Point upon it. AmonG the improvements to be adopted in the costume of the British soldier, we hear that those who wear helmets are to have a spike on the top of them. This spike, which has often been a subject of amusing contemplation to us on the head Prussian sentinel, has often rplexed us as to the use to whieh it could be put, and we think the 3ritish soldier will be puzzled what to do with it; for he cannot make it an instrument of attack unless he what he is not at all in the habit of doing, and bows his head to the enemy. Perhaps indeed he may sometimes go full butt at a foe; but really we cam ascertain no value in the spike, unless it be—as some fiend of mischief whispers in our ear—to make the British soldiers con-spike-uous ! A British Plora for Russia. Tse papers tell us that the Victoria Regia has commenced flowering in a aioe at St. Petersburg. The tact is rather curious under resent circumstances, for we should scarcely have expected to find our Royal Victoria in St. Petersburg, where every house, and @ fortiori a hot-house, would probably be too hot to hold her. gy = however, to see Victoria, or at least the flower of her army, in full blow at Sebastopol before the season is over. Is rr S0?—The greatest rake, it is said, makes the best hushand—on the principle, we suppose, that the greatest drunkard makes the best They | Your wife cannot help you | It may be said that your wife has no business to |

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110 GOOD NEWS FOR COCKNEY TRAVELLERS. We are happy to learn that the repeated complaints of the Cockney tourists, who so feelingly depict, in letters to the Times, the and hardships of travelling, are likely to receive attention. e suggestion of the gentleman who desired that iron railings might be carried up Helvellyn and placed along the side of the precipices, in order to save him the expense of a conductor, and the requirement of the

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL are already in course of construction. The caves of Elephanta will be ventilated, and commodious seats fixed round them in the course of the season. In the present ticklish state of transatlantic politics, we are rejoiced to add that Paestpent Prerce has signified to our ta- tive, that he means to have gauze screens placed all along the American | side of Niagara, to keep the spray of the cataract from splashing. On the whole, therefore, we hope speedily to be able to assure the coward- liest and feeblest Cockney, that he may see the world in tolerable safety and comfort.

other old woman who demanded a Bath chair in which she might be | wheeled up the mountain, have attracted the notice of the authorities, | and arrangements are being made, both at home and abroad, in the spirit of those requisitions. The ascent of Snowdon will now he | easy, the road having been paved with flagstones, and comfortable , benches having been placed at every twenty-fifth yard. In the more | steep parts, cranes have been fixed, by which, for a trifling fee, in pro- portion to his weight, the traveller can be lifted from height to height without trouble. Similar precautions have been taken with Ben Nevis, and a capital restaurant, with all the English, French, and Scotch papers, has been erected on its summit, and an electric telegraph from thence to the nearest hotel will insure a traveller any luxury Causal what is mentioned in the carte. The whole of the water in the Cumberland lakes has been warmed, in order to adapt them to the wants of the class who chiefly complain, and who naturally miss, in travelling, the tepid baths in which they disport when their employers have allowed them to | shut up shop. Arthur’s Seat has had cushions fitted to it, and Mac- gillicuddy’s Reeks have been expressly interdicted from smoking. A similar system has been pursued on the continent. Mont Blanc has been carpeted as high as the Grands Mulets, Ma. Atzert Satu having been requested to bring out with him, to Chamouni, carpets of the same pattern as those of the ¢apis in the Council-Room at Osborne, where he recently gave his entertainment, and he is also to make another ascent, for the purpose of indicating the best place for lamp- posts, the government having determined to light Mont Blane with , gas, to the very top. We are glad to hear that the new Viceroy or Keyet is equally alive to the advantages of making travellers comfortable, and that he has caused an awning to be erected from Saeruzrn’s Hotel, at Cairo, across the desert, to the base of the Great Pyramid at Gizeh, and all the sand is to be wetted with otto of roses, by the Arabs, three times a day. The Governor-General of India, Lorp Datnovusie, has sanctioned a plan for a railway from Calcutta to the summits of the Himalayas, of the Dhawalaghiri and Jewahir stations A FISH OUT OF WATER, = ————— down so low; not but that this very winter at | Rome I saw scores of folks doing so, and kissing your Eminent Lordship’s hand as if it were a | young beauty’s. MR. PUNCH TO AN EMINENT PERSONAGE. ost Emrvent Lonp,—I nave scarcely congratulated our {\ aiuto (i | it Ny | HH Nh

Mf quotation. iguNess Fietp Marsuat were to visit my humble abode, 1 should be obliged to give you the pas before H. R. H. the Fietp Marsnat—upon my word I should—you would have to lead Mrs. Punch into dinner : the other illustrious guest, of course, would be ap the Chancellor, his Lordshi We should not be expected to kneel I suppose? I could hardly get my old knee-bones mutual friend the British Public, on your return from \ Rome to Golden Square. . . itt Ie Gb yy oll It is an honour and pleasure RY Mi <A to possess amongst us a Prince so illustrious—to tind him busy for our wel- fare, and devising kind schemes for our good. Knowing how excellent many of the customs are of the foreign cities in which it has been your good for- tune to be bred, you na- turally wish to benefit your province of England and your archdiocess of West- minster, with importations from abroad; and as my wife comes home with a bonnet from Paris, my son with a pair of mous- a taches from Germany, __ <a ur Eminence brings an ~# Expurgatorius from the Vatican and a little plan of an Inquisition from Spain. Often as I pass that modest house in that modest Golden Square I think, with a respectful wonder, that the greatest man | of all the Empire lives within. ; But so the fact is. Mututeaw calls the “Shuparior” of Princes. Poor Dr. Sumwyen is not fit to kiss your honour’s shoestrin | vor, His Rorat. H Principibus prestat et regibus, &e. 1 will not continue the You are the equal of the Queen herself, what my friend ur red hat. Say that the Lory Cuancet- , or Da. WHaTeE Ly to hold rince ALBert, and your Eminent Lordship propriated by my mother-in-law; and as for ip and I would be obliged to walk in the dining-room arm-in-arm.

|and respectful remarks. | Lordship’s ap What a fine thing it is to think that a man of | this Prodigious Rank (for such yours is) should | be an Englishman after all, and care for us, our | laws and our people! In the late little affair of | BorLe oc. Wiseman you came into Court like | any other Briton: and after writing a libel. | against this poor Bortz who vexed you (holy Jos was vexed with ’em too) how affably you took advantage of the law which nonsuited him. | It is the greatest compliment which has been paid to our Courts, since Paryvce Hewry’s be- haviour in that notorious affair with Chief Justice Gascoyne. A Cardinal by the Divine pity, a Prince of Rome, you came into an English Court to take your chance there: you stood by the laws of your country: that is to say, you did not exactly stand—you bolted as the law gave you full permission to do—I can fancy the confusion of poor Borze losing you when he thought he had got you: and the calm good- humour of your Eminence’s face, seeming to say, “ Don’t you wish you may?” The law business, although noble and edifying, is not however that which occasions these brief It is on your Eminent rance as an educator of all England that the Nation ought to be congratu- lated. It’s kind of you. like is the Roman system. What we want is a good Index Expurgatorius: a parental board of Inquisition to look over the books for our people : and prevent them from beimg poisoned bad e very thing we | poison literature. Most pestilent lies are told by fellows — who write books: most wicked rines pro- mulgated: and it is uncommonly good-natured in @ man occupied as your Eminence is, in the

i affairs of your own church: rows and squabbles |

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| were in a position of | want to go down on our knees, as they do at Rome. | you let the Thirty-nine Articles pass the Porta de with refractory priests : lations of suffragans and minor Review : and reports to that affairs of your newly-created province : regu- | i ergy: writing articles for the Dudiin| foreign Court and Sovereign, greatest | of all Courts, Sovereign of all Sovereigns, of which, and under whom you are yourself a most distingui and ornamental Prince and Dignitary— | I say it is exeeedingly kind of one so illustrious and so busy to think about us outside Britons at all, and offer to help us in our emergency. I had read in my favourite J; The Record, a brief report of “ Car- pivaL Wiseman’s Lecture on the Home Education of the Poor,” but waited until Sunday and my still greater f. Lecture } favourite, the 7adb/et, arrived, with the authentic report of the Here is the journal before me which s out like aman for its own part, and saying, “ We have often thought that even to a limited philosophical point of view the Index of Prohibited Books, of all other Catholic Institutions the one seorned and hated by Protestants, is one that commends itself most highly to the calm view of .” Here is the Tablet and the report of the Cardinal’s Lectures. May I venture to make a respectful tonsure in the columns ?— “His Eminence confined himself chiefly to the general topic of the want of a suitable popular literature, reserving for his next lecture the consideration of the modes by which it might be supplied. It seems most important, said Mis Eminence, that the public, ge those interested in the education of the people, should know what is at present the literature which awaits the rural population on leaving school. In France this has been done, and it may be useful to know the results of the inquiry. For several hundred years the of France was supplied with a cheap lite- rature by the well-known system of Colportage, by means of which some eight or nine millions of small volumes and lets were circulated amongst the people. But in 1852 a decree was issned by the Minister of the Police appointing a commission to ex- amine all books sold by licensed hawkers, who were in future not to be allowed to circulate any without the Government Stamp of approbation. This very interesting report of the Commission bas this year been published, from which it appears that of the books that had been examined three-fourths had been condemned. . . . . If! litical influence (said His Eminence) I should most strongly urge importance of appointing a Committes of Inquiry into this matter.” Of course you would. You would do as they do at Rome. We have) read about expugnandos, comburendos, expurgandos, and the old pro- cesses; which commend themselves, as our friend the 7zhlet says, “most highly to the calm view of reason.” And if you were in a} position of political influence, we know, dear Eminence, that you would | keep your promise. But you see you are not in a position of political influence. We don’t | To kiss your hand is not to us the source of the slightest comfort. Gentlemen who choose to do so are weleome; but it appears from the Census church returns that you and your followers are but as two hundred thousand, to the ten millions of the unroman English. Cuapsannp has as large a flock as you have; who, had he his will, would no doubt smash the windows of your mass-houses, break your images, and bonnet your Eminence on_your big hat. We give hospitality to Cuappanp and WiseMay. hy not to other religionists ? Our exemplary ally, who has stopped the Colporteurs, has stopped Punch too in his dominions. Can it be that if your Eminence were in a position of political influence you would go so far? Heaven help us! I fear yes. We should have a certain shop in St. Bride’s shut up if that “political inflaence” could but be managed: and “calm reason” could but get its own way. You would no more let us in than in Rome, where you have political influence, Popolo! Faney your Eminence’s faith and practice restored among us, and we should see, not only Fraxcis Moorz, Physician, against. whose poor old alma- —_ ‘ou are wrath, but Cuartes James (now James of London), and r. upon the legislature Considering that your religion is not ours, but exists here on tole- PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. unch walking out of the city, and across the fines patrie, like | Trryzvs and Metisavs! | 111 political establishments (I have heard of Da. Newman in the pulpit making admirable fun of the former) ; that you are free to publish your tracts, apologues, homilies, and sell them where and at what price you please, is it not a little premature in your eminent Lordship to quarrel with other folks for doi exactly what you do? Were you in a station of “ political influence” I do not say, of course you would gag every man of us according to the Roman mode; but meanwhile, why should we have a cen ip for our press? on account of the hostility to our received institutions of any writer or living among us ? 4 = my honour and conscience there is any party in England so opposed to our views of, right, morals, politics, as the party of which you are the head. And you are let to aan to sneer, insinuate, deny, assert exactly what you please. Say a Mormonite Gospel is an absurd and monstrous dupery in my eyes: so I believe is a winking statue. But the man who advocates either is welcome to publish his belief in this country, where the mischief is met not by persecution, but by free di ion, and where Joe Smiru’s disciples (decently attired) have as good @ right to a sea-baptism as Dn. Newman to wear a hair-shirt or Fatuen Ionatrus to shave his head. How did you win those two gentlemen over to your side? By free discussion. How is the conversion of all England to come about, and the day when we shall all be dowm om our marrowbones in the street when your Eminence walks it ? By more free discussion books, more preaching, more Church, and what not. We can’t have that commission of inquiry as yet in your own particular interest; otherwise your shop would be shut as well as other peoples’, and your preachers would be as mum as the mr. In our field the wholesome literature and the bad, the tares and the wheat, must grow up together, and, saving presence, that is very likely the reason why some of the rubbish, stamped with the tiara and cross keys, and with a “ permissu sriorum,” is allowed to pass current in the country. Mischievous works forsooth! pernicious fiteraiame§ degraded titions! absurd Almanacs! © most eminent Lord! Don’t you think for absurdity, for superstition, for mischief and folly, there are books published by your party of writers do not believe more | more cuts at the Established | our Eminent | own people that can equal Fraycis Moors, the Kadical press, the Penny Novelist, or your obedient humble servant, PUNCH. PURSUIT OF KNOWLEDGE UNDER DIFYICULTIES. Tue Morning Post, describing a recent fire in Sackville Street, says “The conflagration was caused by a ick setting fire to the fur niture while reading in bed.” We cannot quite make out, from this statement, whether it was the candlestick or the furniture that was reading in bed, but im either case great im e was manifested. Lf the candlestick was the offender, it ought to have known better, | having had so much experience of fire, but for the furniture to be reading in bed was most unpardonable. What was the particular article of furniture that was thus unseasonably devoting itself to litera ture we are not told. Perhaps it was the Sofa, studying its own history in Cowren’s Task; or the Old Arm-chair, reading its praises by Miss Coox ; or it might have been an earnest-minded , table desirous to turn over other leaves than its own. But be the culprit what it may, we hope the example will not be followed, as we are sure it is as painful to the Morning Post to describe such things as to us to read of them. THE TYRANNY OF FURNITURE. Ir is a folly to suppose, when a man amasses a way of furniture, that it belongs to him. On the contrary, it is he who belongs to his fur niture! He is bound hand and foot by it—he is tied by the leg to his own mahogany! He cannot move anywhere without dragging his fur niture after him—he cannot go abroad without previously finding a home for his furniture ; he cannot be absent for any time without first taking every precaution that his furniture will be properly provided for in his absence. If he projects any little trip, the thought that always stops him at the door, is, “ Whatever shall I do with my furniture ?” Many aman who boasts of his freedom is the secret slave of his furni- | ture. No man can call himseif perfectly free who, whatever he does, or wherever he goes, has always to carry in his mind so many chairs and tables ! Conscience Money for Intemperance. Tue Cuaycensor or tHe Excurqvrn has to acknowledge the receipt of 5s. from “D. D., for amount of alty due by reason of excess in port.” Also of £91 5s, from “Brno, money owing to Government for the state in which he has gone to bed every night for the last year.” Likewise of lis. from “Tunez Jotiy Posrnors Damxrse at THe Cagutox, for fine incurred after dinner at their | ration; that your journals take their {ill| in abusing our Church and Club on Sunday.” rn — ——

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a Er Me me Pas. " 112 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. PRINCE ALBERT AND THE BRITISH CONSULATE AT BOULOGNE. We are authorised to state—or in other words we are justified in stating — that Privce ALBERT, as he ed from the Port of Boulogne along the de Boston, must | have felt extreme mortification at the sight of the old tin pot shop, over which the British Consulate hangs out oe the purpose of selling | passports. The whole concern is derogato | ‘ / | _— il THE LIFE-GUARDS AT BOULOGNE. APTER THE FATIGUES OF THE REVIEW, A GALLANT FELLOW Is A VILLAGE HAMPDEN IN THE CHURCH. A Vitxaee, or at least a pastoral Happen is not always doomed to neglect, and it is probable that he will be more than appreciated if he happens to be the son of a Bishop. The following paragraph, extracted from the 7imes of one day last week, will quite justify our statement : “Rariw Ecctestasticat Promotion. —The Rev. Eowarp Rexw Hawrpex, a son of the Bistor or Hexxrorp, bas made rapid progress in Church preferment tn the course of the present year. Early in the year the incumbency of Breinton, in the diccess of Hereford, became vacant, and the Bishop conferred it upon his son. He had held this living bat a few weeks, when Caron Musorave, Rectcr of Eaton Bishops, was preferred to a living in Yorkshire. The rectory of Eaton Bishops, being worth about £500 | & year, and in the gift of the Biasor of Heaeronp, was conferred upon Ma. Hamrney. He had not long been installed into the rectory of Eaton Bishops, when the death of the Deans ov St. Asarn rendered vacant, among many other benefices, the rectory of Cradley, worth £1,000 a year. This, being one of the Bishop's livings, was conferred upon Ma. Hamepes, and he has been duly collated to it by his father. The Reverend gentieman has thus been preferred to three benetices in the course of a few months.” The “ fortunate youth” mentioned in the above extract seems to have risen with a celerity and success that entitle him to be considered as a sort of ecclesiastical aeronaut, and his ascent may be regarded as a piece of church ballooning that throws into the shade by its excessive to the dignity of the British throne, of whic the crazy old chair in the one pair back is the temporary representative. e rather irri- table individual who rushes out from an inner room when the bell rings, to confer aid and protection on the part of Sa Majesté Britan-. nique, was of course not presentable as the representative of the English Government ia Boulogne, on the arrival of Paixce ALBERT. | Had His Royal Highness been desirous of visiting the consular establishment on the Port, he might have hauled himself up the dark and narrow stairs by a rope which | loosely does the duty banisters. By | ushing open a door, he would have rung a Bell, which might probably have brought an old woman or a young child into his illustrious presence. It may perhaps be convenient that the Consulate should have a passport shop in the lower town,.and that the public should be spared the trouble of going to the distance at which the Consul resides,! but surely, con- sidering the profit on the passports, a more decent boutique might be engaged than a lodging over the tin pot establishment. How the World is Ruled! (By an old Schoolmaster.) Taz World, to my eyes, is divided into two classes—those whose province it is to dictate | o others, and those (the more numerous class) | who are bound to receive their dictation. It would do a great deal of if the twe classes could occasionally ¢ places, so that those who dictate might know that it s not always so agreeable to be dictated to. UPON THEM—CHARGE ! Tuer Forty-Sixth will, it is said, immediately leave for the East. We are rather surprised to hear that the Commander-in-Chief has altered the proper destination of this regi- ment, which it was supposed would be im- mediately sent to Coventry. SHOWN HIS BED. boldness, the comparatively commonplace exhibitions of aerostation at Cremorne and Vauxhall Gardens. The Reverend gentleman, starting from rather low ground, suddenly shoots up to the parsonage of Brein- ton, and ascending rapidly, he reaches the adjacent heights of the rectory of Eaton Bishops. Here he scarcely pauses, but continuing his upward career, he touches the rectory of Cradley (worth £1,000 per annum), having thus reached within a very brief space of time three different points of elevation, all within the diocese of his excellent father, the good Bisnor or Herxeronrp. . It will be admitted that there is nothing in the annals of ordinary ballooning that beats this achievement in audacity, and we think the lessee of Vauxhall may now complain with reason, that while he was not permitted to make money by sending up the Italian Brothers hanging by their heels, and risking two lives, the ecclesiastical aeronauts have been suffered to experimentalise on three livings. We presume the reverend gentleman has not been overloaded with ballast, nor could he have much occasion for grapnels—as there has been really nothinz for him to grapple with. The name of Hamppen is illustrious, and “ the cause for which Hamppen fell in the field” is never spoten of without respect by Englishmen, but “the cause for which Hampogn rose in the Church,’ will, we fear, give rise to a feeling of a very different character. Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 18, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parivh of St. Pancres and Pr-derick Mullett Evans, of No. 27, ta the County of Midaleses, Printers, at ther Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of W hitetriars, m the City of London, and Published by them at No. 9, the City of Lenden.—Saruapat, September 16, sa in the Pariah of St. Morgaret and 4. John, Westminster, both &, Fieet Street in the Parieh of St. Bride, i= ey ae

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 113

A SECOND LETTER TO AN EMINENT PERSONAGE. } . BSURDITY and superstition, f fil MY: Mi) mischief and folly, a / ied Wn i), friend cries to me on Ba id perusing my letter to > Wy NO our imence in the Sina t number as ever was of this gy mae § “My good Mr. Punch, what expressions are these to \ use concerning a great body of Christians, and to their chief in this country !

y f /f atu it { oe Mi aN int i y N(} P r* i & : eall have you to be put- P wy 2a 4 ting your old nose to “AUN the quarrel, and is it (the ea quarrel [ mean) not much ; better carried on without your interference ? ” What right have his Eminence, NicHOL:s é ! es + fren CarprnaL Wiseman and ~e/ . M the Tabiet newspaper to ‘ tell the public that they would like to appoint a censorship over our lite- rature? My Sir, I pay taxes in Fleet Street as well as his Eminence in Golden Square—I am Civis Romanus as well as the Prince of the Flami-| nian Gate, and nave as good a right to say my say as Mr. Lucas. Nor, upon common occasions, can there be any earthly use in using such naughty words as superstition, absurdity, folly, &c. to any body of brother Englishmen. our Eminence does not use a hard word—you are as mild as milk—you would just like to have a little censorship over us, for the sake of the poor benighted peasantry and mechanies in these islands—just to see that lies are not told to them, and they are kept out of harm’s way. Were you in a situation of political influence | you would strongly urge the importance of an inquiry—that’s all. What on earth is the good of being angry ? Potztausend Donnerwet: homme ! When you propose, ever so politely, to gag the press of this country, we intend to be in a rage. Sing, chant, shave, wear hats as broad as you like, gloves as crimson, stockings or no stockings. No man wants to meddle with you. But leave us and our liberty alone. We will not have it gagged or shorn in the Roman fashion, and at the slightest hint of your desires that way, we shall do our best to awaken the wrath of our Sovereign Master the British Lion: in the den of whose magnanimity your Eminence and followers are welcome to rest in peace; but from whose mane, please the Fates, you shall not shear a single hair. Poor decrepit toothless Old Francis Moorg! Why should he not be let on to mumble his old humbugs? The old —- to clap a erchief over his face, and drag him away to the Holy Qffice? To let him talk on is best :—to let everybody speak. He has as good a right to preach and to frighten his congregations, and to conjure the stars, and to bawl out his abracadabra, as any other professor. And it is because you would persecute him, that [ am moved, yea, feel constrained to say, “O Sir, Have you not also got a grimoire, and a wonder-book, that seems to us unbelievers no better than friend Francis’s hocuspocus.” I said “ absurd,” I said “mischievous.” I beg my son, Master Punch, to take down from the bookshelf some amusing volumes which | keep there, to wit, the Essay on Development, and the Lives of the English Saints, written by several clerical gentlemen who, no doubt, have knelt long ere this at your Eminence’s feet. declare, on my conscience, that the credulity which Francis Moorz, Physician, would have of us is a trifle compared to that demanded by your Doctors. Read my son, from the Zssay on es the proper way in which the faithful should receive the stories regarding the Church. Master Punch reads— “ Mythical representations, at least in their better form, may be considered facts, or narratives untrue, but like the truth . . The same remark may be made upon certain narratives of martyrdom or of the details of such narratives, or of certain alleged miracles, or heroic acts or speeches, all of which are the «p prod of religi feeling under imperfect knowledge. It the alleged tacts did not occur, they onght to have occurred (if 1 may so speak); they are such as might have occurred, and would have oceurred circumstances : and they belong to the parties to whom they are attributed p ially, if not actually.”—D, 345.

- Now is a doctrine like that absurd or not ? mischievous or not? Would you have country village-folks instructed in history after this fashion, your reverences providing the details? Would our friend the Astrologer ask for better laws of evidence, and upon such, mi Friar Bacow and FRIAR Buncay? Given this, an ex Masesty’s Inspectors of Sehools ought to examine boys in the Seven Champions of Christendom, and put What is the} use of words? What | ter! Corpo di Bacco! Mille tonnerres d’ un petit bon' has nearly lied himself out; and quakes his old | rophecies to but a very vey few old women. Need we send for familiars of the | t he not call upon a to believe in Ais friars, |

Sacvt Germanvs, my dear, from the Lives of Saints, Master Punch reads— “While Saurr Guamawus was in this country (449), the Saxons made one of their annual ivroads into Britain. Samr Geawawus (an old King Arthur and Jack the Giant Killer in their place in | English history. Read me my favourite little bit about | the Bnolish | soldier), upon information that the combined armies of the Saxons aud | Prete were approaching, at ones resolved on putting himeelf at the head of the British forces. Having led the troops into « narrow 4: file he gave orders to them what to do, Whep the Saxons drew near with all the confidence of men seeure of vietory, the boly successive times, the word ALLELUIA, which was immediately taken up by the whole British army and repeated and reverberated by the echo from such violence thet the rocks and even seemed to tremble. The barbarians supposing so loud « shout must issae from an immense bedy of men, threw down their arma, and ran away in all directions.” Now, I can beat this with a hundred extracts out of the Golden Legend (which is in the book-case yonder will trouble your Eminence to match it out of Moore. Suppose the coun Fathers, suppose an army Nicnotas of Westminster advantageousiy posted Oxford Street ; Holborn in possession of the xt eo of Greek schismatics under Nicnotas of Petersburg, his son, with a bat- tery of guns before the marble arch. Nicuoxas (the Czar) is about to open his fire, Nicworas the Cardinal orders three volleys of Alleluia along his whole line, and away goes the Calmuck horse, foot, and dragoons, leaving 1 standards, muskets, lances, knouts, &c., behind m | Would you, on your conscience as an Englishman, and “ supposing you were in an influential military position,” handle the British army in that way? Is that story not in your books? Do you believe in it or any part of it. Ought it to have oceurred—Did Sarr Geamanvs so defeat the Picts and Danes potentially ? Pooh ! ; |* Now, my dear child, read me that bit about my darling | Saint, Saint Gunpxe, | “Sanrr Goxpue was « king in Glamorganshire about 500; his wife | was GLADUBA, one of the ten ——— Bachan. One night « supernatu al volee broke in on slumbers of Guwpie and GLapusa, | and said, ‘The King of Heaven hath cailed mehither. . . . I will | chow you the straight path whlch must keep, unto the inheritance of God— Lift up your minds, and what is perishable, slight not your souls, On the river's bank is @ rising ground; and where « white steed is grazing there is thy habitation.’ “The king arose in the morning: he gave up his sovereignty to his son Cavoc; be left his house, he proceeded to the hill, and found the animal deseribed. There heduilt « church, and there be abstinent and saintly life; his @ a bread of barley mixed with wood-as' plunged into cold water, and by day he lab G HT There ’s a king in Glamorganshire for you! “ The King of Heaven” sent a to him to leave his wife, live on a rising hill, dress in hai mix wood ashes with his barley-bread, and jump into cold water at midnight! In another charming , in the life of sweet Saint Eppa, we are told Stun teae Curupert that— “It is well known that Sanrr Curnpenr carried the jeslousy of inter- course with women, characteristic of all Saints, to a very extraordinary piteh . . . . Yet such was the reputation of Enva's sanctity and the «piritual wisdom of her discourse, Saint Bene informe us that when she sent messengers to the man of God, he went aud ro several days in conversation with her, going out of the gates at night- fall, and spending the hours of darkness in prayer, either up to his neck in the water, or in the chilly air.”—St. Bbba, 114, And we may be sure the Chronicler speaks in terms, poetic and respectful, of “the hair shirts and the iron girdles, aud the secret spikes qpnang the flesh, and the long weals of the heavy discipline, the craving thirst, and the stone pillow the cold vigil,” which these good FE = if Ea ise 3

but [| RANCIS to the faith of our |

souls applied to one another, and would recommend to | posterity. ‘ If Absurdity and Superstition, mischief and folly are hard words, as hard | own they are, are they too hard? But I think with all this in your calendar, your Eminence is harder still upon poor old Francis Moore's, Put up the precious volumes, little Punch, my son! I have done. I am going to call no more hard names: and would live in peace with every gentleman, and have him sa his prayers as best likes him. Saint Epmunp, as read “ would so spend the whole night, beating his breast, and falling with his bare knees on the floor, in such a way as to disturb the sleep of his clerks who were lodged beneath. [ know not if your present Eminence bumps up and down in this manner, or if sleep over your secretaries, Monsignor Searie Ma. Gartnuonw—in that case, it \is them I would pity; not with your Lordship I would

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1 ius PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. interfere. May you have a quiet life, and give us ome! May all moliahs, priests, rabbis, have peace! May bishops in ournative shovel. hats, or pontiffs in those more extensive tiles which roof the heads of the Roman clergy, have the respect of their flocks, and preach and ractise to their edification! But prythee, my good Lord Cardinal, -_ us alone, ing On Our ancient Anglo-Saxon ways. ing no Romau Sbirri to guide us. We wish to be allied with our fri in France ; but we desire to keep our free press too: The Tablet says rightly, that “the Ladex of Prohibited Books is of all things the most seorned and hated of Protestants;” Yes. And we won't have it, how- ever much, as one of the Indicators, your Eminence may recommend it : We won’t have it; by Sauvt Gotuiac and Sart Gunpiz! PpUuEecyH. = DRAT THE FLIES! OR, THE PEST OF THE SEASON. Tie sun was hotly shining on a fine September day, When I heard an angry matron so bitterly inveigh Against the tribes of insects that in Autumn’s time arise ; She clenched, her fists and stamped her feet, and cried, “ Ab—drat them flies ! “ There ain’t no rest, nor quiet, nor comfort to be had For them nasty filthy creatures ; they’re enough to drive one mad ; y=! settles on our noses ; they whizzes in our eyes ; theyjbuzwuzwuzzes in our ears: ah—drat them plagny flies! Scien “ There’s not a safe that’s safe from ’em ; no apple-room without, And them vexatious wapses, which also is about, And one can sting almost as bad as t’other when they tries, Ay, through a cotton stocking too: ah—drat them vicious flies ! “Them hojus big blue-bottles blows over all the meat, To that degree that mutton can’t be kep’ a day to eat ; They swarms in every pantry; and them of smaller size Bespots and spatters everythink : ah—drat them horrid flies! “ They sticks in treacle, jellies srves, and sweets, and jams, And they breeds their nits, and ,oppers, and choppers in our hams, They infestes every cupboard ; not a hole but where they pries, No crink or crank but,they creeps through: ah—drat them crawly flies ! “They drownds theirselves in milk-jugs and gets into the tea, In every sugarbasin there’s always two or three, We finds ’em in our ptiddins, we finds em in our pies, I’ve no patience with the rebels: ah—drat them tiresome flies ! * They ferrets into wardrobes ; and there they spiles the cloth, For ’tis my firm opinion ’tis they that b the moth,— And te'| me what you will, you won’t persuade me otherwise, No, get along with you : I say, ah—drat them noxus flies! “ T lays about fly-papers in every room in vain, Catch hundreds and kill thousands, as many comes again, Just like them Rooshian lecurses, which also I despise ; I can’t abear no insex ; ah—drat all them nasty flies ! ’ WHAT IS THE NEXT ARTICLE? OR, THE PLAGUE OF THE SHOP. Is some remarks which we lately had occasion to make on the subject of Early Closing, we jn herew Pi a habit, common among shop- men, particularly those of linendrapers, of attacking the purchaser of any commodity with the question—“ Any other article to-day, Sir?” If a mild answer is returned in the negative, the query is followed up with suggestions of “other articles;” so that a man cannot enter a shop to get a pair of gloves without the fear of being bored by a series | of importunities. In case the customer is a lady, the annoyance thus | given has generally the effeet of driving her to purchase a quantity of goods that she has no oceasion for—and the triek sueeeeds. | Bat the consequence of this practice is, that no man will go into a linendraper’s shop if he can help it, or trust his wifeor daughter sho ping, except in case of absolute necessity. It is therefore for the trade to consider whether they dé not lose more than they gain in the long run by causing their customers to be worried im this manner. If h hers wish to be truly polite, they will relinquish their system of foreing sales by practising on the delicate feelings of ladies. A lady eannot utter tho:e brief exclamations by which an individual of the sterner sex is permitted to stop the mouths of the troublesome. | Over-eagerness to sell frequently defeats its own end. We have often bolted from a book-stall in tout because we were disturbed in turn- ing over the volumes by the proprietor darting out upon us and pestering |us with the enumeration of works which he seemed to thimk we were | looking for; instead of quietly placing his catalogue withm. our reach. Only the other day, a boot salesman prevented us from further con- sidering a contemplated investment of capital ina pairof™ men’s strong walking,” by making a dead set of this kind at-uswith, “ Now then, Sir! what can we serve you with, Sir ?—prime i t Bluchers —superior Alberts,” &c. Of course any man of'refined feelings who is thus interrupted in reconnoit the assortment: of a stall or a shop window, instantly vanishes. He bas not made up his mind to buy; it is possible that he may not buy, and he feels that in entering into a negotiation which will perhaps turn out abortive, he may excite hopes destined never to be realized, and trifle with the feelings of his fellow- creature in an apron. His impulse to decamp is, moreover, accelerated by the consideration that the bargain into whieh it is attempted to hurry him would be very likely to prove a take-in. Should the foregoing remarks not occasion the instant abatement of the plague and nuisance against which they are directed, its victims will be obliged to put a stop to it themselves. Solicitation might be met with banter, and when teazed by being pressed to declare “ What is the next article ?” the customer might ask for certain lengths of the Quarterly, or, perhaps, inquire if the establishment kept the present artiele in Pusch HONOUR IN STORE FOR NICHOLAS. Canistina—says the Lisbon correspondent of the 7imes—travels under the title of the Conwress a Tnamanne. Louis Putiprrs, after his expulsion from France, assumed the title of Count pe Neviy. The exiled claimant of the crown of that country is the Count pe Cuamsorp; the gentleman who holds the same relation to Spain, calls himself the Count pe Montemotm. May the happy day arrive, and arrive speedily, when the Evrgenor or Russta shall be also reduced to a Count : and a light let-off that will be for the murderer of more than half-a-million! What Countship will he rejoice in? Shall his title be the Count or Sutsore? Or the Count ov Opgssa, which has doomed to be burnt, if peradventure the flaming ruins of his subjects’ homes may serve to arrest the march of the Allies to his chastisement ? Or would the Knouter of the Nuns rather prefer to travel adorned with the dignity of the Count or Muysx? For the blessed hour at which he may have to take his choice may come. called to a Count—even here. Little War Problems. lstly. Grvew :—An Army of Occupation. Requirep :—To Find, if you can, what it has oecupied, and what has been the particular nature of its occupation. Qndly. Grvex :—An Army of Expedition. Requrrep :-—To Find out, if possible, the amount of expedition it has shown, and whether PrckrorD, or any common carrier, would not have expedited matters much more quickly in infinitely less time. edition of Mr. Texxyson’s “In Memoriam,” is to be dedicated to the officers of the 46th. Recent as well as remote history proves that evil rulers are sometimes | Unsrounpep Rumovur.—There is no truth in the report that the next

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= @: @ovvwee FF emv ™ Y * it ot xt he PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 11! nr THE ATTACK ON BOULCGNE. HE rumour that the Emperor contemplated habitants of that Angio-Gallic watering- a into a state bordering on hysterics. ongs, of Cheapside, who happened to be communication with the hal! porter, who put Jones (who —— troublesome) out- side the door. select society of English who meet atone of ‘the cafés, called an ex- i meeting which was suddenly broken up by ‘the still more extraordinary meeting of the chairman with his tailor, who had-strolled imto the coffee-house, and whose presence eaused the chairman to vacate the chair-with a precipitancy which raf to’believe that 1 attack on already commenced. Adeputation of ‘British nursemaids had been appointed to waitvon the Emperor to ask him*to spare the children, and in several places white pi were suspended from the windows as flags of truce. The lish eoal-merchant threw himself at the feet of the Emperor, and begged that if it should be | thought necessary to sack the city, his Majesty would not sack the coals. All idea of opposition to the advance of the Emperor was ed, but the British consular passport office seemed to be fortified by a tremendous weight of metal, in the shape of the tim pots and saucepans in the window of the shop below. This, however, was merely by way of demonstration, for there was no intention on the part of the consular authority to offer any opposition to the plans of ithe Emperer. The w city, in faet, seemed prepared to itself in the hands of the invaders, amd ‘there was scarcely an apartment that might not-have been taken by’the first who approached. The hotels and — we =. expecting to be besieged, laid in an extra supply of provisions the besiegers, so that the surrender was complete. PUNCH AGAINST MAW WORM. ‘Tue Sabbatarians pretend to retort upon Mr. Punch the charge of wishing to take away the Sunday of the people. Their morning journal represents him as having “required” that “a poor river, after tolimg through six s in the week, should obliged to rise on Sunday, like all the days im the week, to clean his cab and his horse, and ad 5 himself on the stand, ready to convey Mr. Punch to the Richmond Railway.” Mr. Punch begs to say that he “requires” that no cab-driver, whether poor or ous, should be “obliged” to do anything of the kind. He extends this disavowal to the case of the “hundreds of | railway servants” whom he is supposed by the same journal to have “ calculated on finding at Waterleo station,” of the vehicles which it alleges that he “demanded to find at the local station,” and the taverns which it avers he “expected” would be open for him all day and all night. All that Mr. Punch “requires” and “demands” is that if he wants a cab, a ry te or tavern accommodation on a Sunday, nobody, if willing, shall be forbidden to supply his wants. Pwach would be the last in the world to wish to compel a Sabbatarian cabman, a stoker, an engine-driver, a waiter, a chambermaid, or any body else, to labour upon his account on their day of rest. Far be from him the idea of foreimg eonscientious publicans of Sebbatarian principles to keep their houses open on that day. Mr. Punch respects the sincere conviction of everybody—even that of a convict. It is notorious that Mr. Punch would no more to eat a salmon-cutlet than a mutton- chop on Friday. Yet if Ma. Lucas were to resign his papal trum- petership, and to set up-the Wiseman’s Hat Hotel, Tavern, and House of Call for Jesuits, Mr. Punch would, with all his might, defend Mr. Lucas from bound to provide animal food in general on a day when he might think it his duty to let none of his guests have any but fish. Mr. Punch only asks that those who choose shall be permitted to do him reasonable serviee on Sundays. He holds that to be reason- able service which is necessary to his enjoyment of healthful recreation. Surely he has as great a right to hire a cabman, if he can get one, to take him to the station, as a Duke has to be driven out by variegated to be conveyed to Uhurch by a mazarine | Let Sunday be a day of rest—but rest is not inaction. Cricket is | Test to a journeyman tailor. To rest one set of muscles most effectually retainers, or a B domestic another attack on Boulogne, threw the in-| ae a Boulogne boarding-house, im- Y put himself in communication with the British Gensul, who put himself in | we must move others. Overworked faculties are best uhned by em- |ploying other faculties. The eye that is fatigued with brick-walls | should rest on green fields. But the rest—the salutary and effectual rest—of the generality necessitates the labour of some. Suffer those to perform that labour who think roper. To say, Make those do so who | Uhimk it improper, is quite ano thing ; and it is a thing not said by | Mr. Punch. FORTUNATE ESCAPE. Y a report in a theatrical contem- porary, we learn that an audience which might have assembled at Drury Lane, a few nights since, were fortunate enough to escape ativictimised. A Ma. Barny Sut- Evan had been announced for the r in the play of the night; but, fortunately, before the jour of | ce, it occurred to this individual— Irish, we presume him. to be, from his names and his ae his name had not cen printed on the play-bills in characters sufficiently gigantic. So he writes to the person for whose benefit: be:-had promised to act — . r pee 5 my name 0 ted in Drury Lane bills play-bilis. “Yours, &c., “Banny Sunni.” | | | } publie—this bright and very par )tieular star does not shine. No more isheard of him, and the doors do not even open. We congratulate those who escaped. But what sort of actors are those who rely upon huge posting-bills to do for them what is achieved for real artists by public recognition? We do not r ever seeing Mx. Rowson’s name in larger letters than those of the ordinary afiche; yet that performer did night after night, crowd a London theatre. But Mx. Suxtivay, content “to be slighted,” by the public, will not be slighted in the play-bill. Chacwn a son govt. e believe that unlucky box book-keepers have learned, by this time, that, generally ee the larger the letters the smaller the “let,” though we imagine that the converse of. the proposition was not proved true in Mx. Suncivan’s case. THE GENDARMES OF BUROPE. Tue brave French, with our steady Britash hot Embattled, march , their heads are high and light, Yet break not out m any brag or boast ; And in the army eamped on yonder coast The name of glory seems — te. And why? full we they feel and know They are not must with a generous foe, By hattle, to decide a doubtful right ; That they are going forth anto the fight Not with swords only, but as if with staves, Against a Robber; to destroy his den, And rout his legionary of slaves, As a police-foree, ane , braves A Bnigand and his troop of highwaymen. A Prize Infant Show. Amone other American “notions” that have lately prevailed, is the novel idea of getting up shows of fat children. assachusetts has already had an exhibition of the kind, at which there was a very large collection of adipose infancy. Prizes have also been given to the |parents who could show the fattest child, and a system of oil-cake Doding has been adopted to produce large oleaginous masses of fatty deposits in the shape of oe We cannot say that we approve of this new plan of cramming the young, for we cannot bear to see any- | body’s children made too mueh of. Uwtversat Frrvess or Tuixos.—There never was a young man yet |who did not thimk himself specially qualified for a Secretary, or a | young woman who had not the same strong belief in her qualifications \to go out to-morrow as a Governess ! and—to ‘the deliverance of the

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ik ‘M aa eae we bn a iNT | a ys fl oa L h hi ii ! MUCH ADO ABOUT DIPLOMATIC NOTHING. Tue Krxe or Prussta hee earned a name for himself, and so has the Emrzrxor or Avusraia, by the line of behaviour which they have pursued towards the Czar. names which they have or earned are Dogberry and Verges. As Peace they call upon Nicwoxas to submit to certain tions. NicHoLas hoes s at them ; and they determine to—let ee ~~" Ba charge themselves, as Dogherry did his watch, to “com & ” man; to wit, the Czar. Unfortunately, “a mite — stand,” and accordingly as Dogberry ad vises in such case, — ae of that, as further hor sontapmented by t queciegta they “ presently call the rest of the watch” (the Bund) “together,” and 1 in their hearts, doubtless, “thank Gop” they “are rid of a knave.” The parallel seems pete The only difficulty is to settle which shall be Dogberry, and which Verges. Dogberry, to be sure, when called an ass, answers, “ Dost thou not suspect my years?” but then he re- presents his col 5 “an old man, ” adding, “ and his wits are not so blunt, as, Gop hel Sousl 2 dese they were: ” whence it cogene OS See the elder fool. Both, to be sure, are dotards ; but a young actor often plays old men: and on the stage of Europe | jy rinabie Fraycis Joseru, at present, Dea feebleness and imbecility to the life. To him, theref must assign the character of F and “ suspecting his years Tea than those of Frepericxk Wiis, allot to the Prussian monarch that of V describes my as “a FRANCIS OSEPH ma think of Hungary co fy A Lawyer off his Feed. Taoven the penny roll is still sold at a penny, it has become “ small y degrees ” until . is “ beautifully less” than enough for a moderate mau’s breakfast. Tee of this state of things an attorney of our acquaintance, ms to treat himself to one of the above-men- toned articles every morning, has deliberately struck himself off e To DONALD IN THE EAST. Our northern friends will be delighted to hear that the Highlanders have achieved a great triumph in Turkey. In an extract from a letter from the Black Sea, published by the Morning Post, it is related of those gallant Scots, that “ When they were reviewed before the Sultan he seemed quite confounded with = strange appearance, but when, to complete it, they suddenly struck up the bag- | pipes, he quite lost all bis gravity, and burst out in the most violent fits of laughing in spite of himself, for it is contrary to all notions of Turkish etiquette to laugh, much more to do so ia public.” Glory to the Gaél! They have conquered the gravity of a Turk, and will doubtless achieve as ry | a vietory | over any number of Russians. The same letter states that the Turks “follow them about the streets, and seem both amazed and delighted with their strange dress.” It may be expected }> ain will astonish the forces of Russia even more | effectually, bay eably, than they have astonished the natives of Turkey, the ormer will run away from them faster than the latter follow wad ‘Lhis happy result will probably be much expedited | by their favouring their enemies with some of that music with which | they obliged the Sultan. In aid of a charge of bayonets, the best | maginable means to disconcert an enemy must be a concert of bag- | pipes. An Honest Clergyman. Te newspapers say that the Rev. Mr., late AncuDEAcoy, WILBER- FORCE, sons © arrived at certain conclusions at variance with the articles of the Church of land, has placed the resignation of his preferments | in the hands of his ishop. Such being the fact it is to be hoped that so | eminent an act of honour and honesty will prove a beneficial exam in that truly humble station—that station of the deepest theoretical humility—which this good man occupies. A Stew or tHe Trwes.—Such is the mercantile spirit, and at the same time the intellectual poverty of the present day, a number of gentlemen in the city have put their heads together to see whether they cannot get up amongst them a Jorvt Stock Association or Ipzas.

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THE RETURN FROM THE BALTIC!! British Lion. “OH YES, 1’LL COME BACK—BUT I MUST JUST LEAVE A CARD AT CRONSTADT FIRST!!!” Serremper 23, 1854] {Puxcu, No. 689,

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—— ~ aie me > Se Fite a OMI eg AO el gL I A TE ET TE AIT x oe ae any “- er 2st =f Se a ee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ———— | no | PUNCH’S PROVINCIAL LETTERS. To Mr. Punch, EveRED Sm,—I am the regular London Correspondent of that well-known and I readers is more Gazette. that no set of count = constantly and faithfully supplied with an aecount of the saymgs oings of the London world, political, literary, and fashion- able, than by your humble servant. But becoming one of your contributors. 1 do not, of course, expect you to purchase what I facetiously call an animal of the porcine jes enveloped in a wrapper, and there- fee 1 send you a specimen of my usual style. The enclosed letter, 1 ought to say, was intended for the Sguashborough Gazette, ned to miss the post, and there- publication. hope, | “1 am, Dear Sir, Yours very faithfully, “ Baassey Gose Movsn.” “ 2nd Floor back, No. 11, "s Renta, “ Squalorty Court, Drury 4 From ovr Loxpon CoRREsPonDeENT. “ Athenaeum Club, Wednesday. “T have just looked in here to be out of the way, for the Duke's house (that was) in Pall Mall is insufferable from the noise of the workmen at my other shop, the Carlton, and | was driven from the Reform Clab by seeing PaLMerston pop in, evidently to catch me. the Judicious, and came here, and if the Bishops will but let me alone, I shall be able to send you a few lines, though really, at this | flat period of the year, with all one’s aristocratic friends on the moors, | it is difficult to hear anything. And I am, in fact, so d/asé with the fatigues of the season that | am more than usually fastidious. I was rude enough just now to stop the Bishop of Oxford in a very good French story, which really has not been in town more than a week, and to ask his lordship whether he knew that Queen Anne was dead. But Saponaceous SamvueL is very good-natured—to me at least—and took it well enough. “ There are no politics now, of course. But IL happen to know that there has been a of uncomfortableness in the Cabinet, and there will be a split before long. Lorp Joy is now most eager for a peerage, but the Priyce Consort (and perhaps a higher personage) thinks that a peerage ought not to be conceded to him before the Paince or Wats comes of age, the proper allowance is obtained from Parliament. Lorp PaLmerstow, who is very much attached to Lorp Joun Rosset, offered to pledge himself to get this done in the most liberal manner, if the latter were ennobled at once, and the affair was deemed so nearly arranged, that Lorv Jouw Russert and his lad went to Huyt anp Roskeit’s to look at some new gold forks, whic they ordered to be marked with an Earl’s coronet, and the cipher RB Earl of Runnymede being the title selected by the admirer of harta), but the Court was imexorable, and I can assure you, be the best authority, that the Leader of the House of Commons will be in his place next session under the same name he now bears. I have too often been right in my \ (as when L told you there was no truth in the report thatthe Monument was coming down, and on other Occasions) to make it mesessary for meto say more. “The young Kixe or Porrucat went away deeply smitten with the charms of one of the royal Princesses. I shal! not say which,as I have no desire to trench such delicate ground as a lady’s affections, but — not iw sie to poy would naturally point. A very inguished filling a high office at court, me, in confidenee, that the y me King tried hard to enlist the sympathies of the Princess’s father im his favour, but that upon his growing more than usually urgent, the Prince, with a good-natured, but firm expres- sion of countenance, led him into the picture ‘gallery, and planted the ung Catholic before a fine picture, (by RarHazL) of Manns Lourtuen, e hint was taken, and the subject dro Bat if Three per Cents. ean be converted, why not Portuguese pred said, with some éclat, at ee Talkiog of T heard tal f Sm E L. th as ing of pi a capital s of Sra Epwry L. the animal savior. "ie had — ay & Highlands, with the KE or We.iisetoy, General Espartero, and a distinguished largely circulated provincial newspaper, the papers under his arm, Aboroug flatter myself having more time on my hands than I quite of the bed-rooms at ieee’ whet to do with, I am desirous of Pamvce Evewwe, then young men, and me useless for that week's Should it appear in your ! d, the « paper, 1 shall conclude that further com- the Evangelical party, was about to be sold. The negotiation is at last munications will be acceptable, and in that complete; and some sporting | party, one of whom was a wealthy individual of the Hebrew persuasion. | Ascending a green hill, the last-named individual slipped and fell, luckily | without hurting himself, and no one joined more loudly in the shout of | laughter which arose when Sra E. began to sing the celebrated air “* When the Jew (dew) is t= @ “ Mr. Macavtay has just looked in to lunch. Seeing that he had some naturally asked him what they were. It ap- -_ that they were the p sheets (just received from Messrs. yNGMAN) of the next volume of his History. was good enough to let me glance over them ; and though of course I should not preteud to criticise his magn style, | was able to point out a few gramma- tical and historical mistakes, which he instantly corrected. The fifteenth chapter, in_which he describes a fight that took place in one Hampton Court, between Otrver Cromweni and both attached to the celebrated Motty Lerxt, is as fine a bit of sarcastic writing as there exists in the | language. But sap.; and I must not abuse the confidence of a | brother Jittératewr, Im accordance, however, with the custom of some of my co Jet me mention that Mx. M.’s lunch consisted of a cotelette & la soubise, » biscuit (with carraways) and half-a-pint of madeira. It is a curious trait in the great historian’s rthat he always uses his own ) , instead of taking a quill cure-dené from the club wine-glass. respects the material of pens too much to apply it to a meaner duty than writing. “T have ) more than once, that the Record, the organ of gentlemen, represented Mr. Jin —— x. com, Dee ; i it. Le ——— ge in the editorship, and the theo i of the paper will remain the | same ; but the editor has iain advocate dog-ights, and the | column to be devoted to that anvasement will, [ believe, be headed with | the quotation, ‘Let dogs delight to and bite,’ which implies a | |justification of the sport. It ms» supposed that the influence of the i Exeter Hall, for sparring paper will enable the new pre to obtain matches, except during the May meetings. | “My lady readers will be interested in knowing that the reign of ‘long dresses is at an end. The Patwce-Consont, daring his recent visit to Boulogne, was so charmed with the effect of the abbreviated | costume of the porssardes, that he made some sketches from his window at the Hétel Brighton, and semt them to Osborne by the Duxe or Newcasti». They were approved, and have been handed by the Mistress of the Robes to the Court milliner, who will of course have to invent an artistic method of embodying the style in question, and nothing has yet transpired; but I think 1 may venture to say, from a hint I have received, that white silk 4as, with blue clocks, will be among the earliest novelties of the season. The street-sweepers, who will now be obliged to do their own work, t an émeute, “The marriage between a young Marquis in your county, and a fair | charmer whose ancestral seat is not a hundred miles from Birmingham, will take place, despite the foul and ignorant contradiction by that wretched rag, your contemporary the Squashhorough Herald, If it were worth my while to bandy terms of abuse with the miserable conkey who supplies that newspaper (?) with news (?) from London, I should fail in Hilingsrste. because the fashionable (!) correspondent of the 8. Herald has the advantage of living in a garret near that ichthyo- phagie locale. But when I tell that parchment is parchment, and that solicitors live in Lineoln’s Inn Fields, I fancy I have said enough. “The Caancet.on or THE Excuequen is at Broadstairs, diligently oecupied in working at his new budget. What would those who believe in the pretended conflicts in the House of Commons say, if they knew that Mr. Girapstons and Mr. Disragti are in continual and jocular | correspondence on the financial measures for Easter, and that they even met at the Lord Warden Hotel, Dover, and had a jolly evening, under | pretext of discussing a tax on fish. Ma. Disnarci is writing a new novel, called Bolingbroke, some of whieh he read to Mn. Guapstowr on | that oecasiou, and the latter helped him to some Latin mottoes for his chapters. Yet these two men will, in F next, assail one another with all the skill and ferocity of gladiators. Such is life! Besides the | tax I have hinted at, | am told, by the Secnetany-at-Wan, that we are to have an impost on shirts, on balloons, on second editions of books. Playbills are to bear a penny stamp, and oysters, other than | natives, will be taxed two- a dozen. The newspaper stamp will | be taken off, but an ad valorem duty will be i ¢- the articles | contributed to journals. If writi are to be taxed in proportion to cep your | their value, I doubt whether ye be able to afford to present London Correspondent, from whom no more at present. ——— | The World's Estimate. Eorruarse geaerally have one half knocked off when they come to | be revised, and it is mostly the same with moral as with commercial estimates. No one is taken at his own estimate; so if you wish to be | considered clever, you must pretend to be twice as clever as you are, and then the world will give you credit for one half of it. |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | CORNISH WRESTLERS WITH FAMINE, May the effects of the late abundant harvest be felt to the Land’s End; may they at least be felt at Helstone, | Cornwall! At that place there exist institutions, the prin | dietary of which is now under our nose : we may say | that it suggests but little of the fragrance of osmazome, or the savoury principle of animal food. It allows the in- mates of those institutions, men and women, just three ounces of cooked meat a-piece once a week, The estab- lishments in question might hence be supposed to be monasteries conducted upon almost purely vegetarian principles: and when we add, on the autlosity of the docu- . ment already mentioned, that the weekly cost of each | individual resident in them, for food, clothing, and neces- | ; saries, per head, is one shilling and tenpence, it will be | iy | inferred that fasting, even in respect of split , is practised | SON with rigour, and luxary in apparel mortified almost to the SEF ae ~ Hie | length of nudity. However, these abodes of privation are | —— j WA): British Protestant workhouses: and certainly there is less | Sa a ~ reason for us to laugh at the friars for macerating them- selves, than there is for them to laugh at_us for macerating the aged and infirm poor. Put a Poor Law Commissioner for one week under the regimen and discipline of the He Workhouses, and | | how much would he lose in weight at the end of it? It is | |a pity this experiment is not tried, for the Commissioners of the Poor low have sanctioned the above arrangements, |and might as well learn, by experience, the effect of them }on the homan frame. This hae. gone =o be doing some- thing for their money, namely, for an ample yearly salary, which they receive for the not very laborious, nor perha to them disagreeable, employment of paring down the comforts of those who are unable to earn any wages at all. | They would then be in a ition to commiserate the Helstone Paupers if not to help them. For perhaps these are Paupers of Paupers; the whole district poverty stricken - and those inhahitants of it who can maintain themselves | subsisting chiefly on potatoes. In that case, let us hope that the harvest will at least give them all bread enongh, if it will not afford those who are in the workhouses another weekly toothful of meat. ‘ He \ MR | | HOW TO GET A CONNECTION. Shopman (to Ancient Party). “Yrs Miss—Taayk vou Miss—Is THERE aNY OTHER ARTICLE Miss’—CaN WE SEND IT FOR You Miss?” [Old Lady thinks it sucu a nice shop, and sucu well-behaved young men. Pouzziixc Question ror THE Royal ToPoGRAPHICAL | Socrety.—W hether it is easier for a person, who is on the | High Road to Ruin, to pass a Note, or to meet a Bill? 4 BELLA, HORRIDA BELLA! WE perceive that at the recent meeting of the Archeological Society | in Wiltshire, “the Reverenp Mr. Luxes read a paper on Bells.” | We have seen no report of this amusing production, but we can fancy | the rich scope the subject must have afforded. We can imagine the Reverend Gentleman commencing with a plunge into the diving bell, then seizing the street door bell, and suddenly running off to take the | dustman’s bell for a few moments in hand. We can conceive his taking a passing hold of the night bell, and then darting off abruptly in the direction of the muffin bell with which he might hold a sort of sportive dalliance. His next step would probably be in the direction of the | bell-fry, where he would wind up with a hearty pull at the bell-ropes, and leave us with the subject still ringing in our ears. We understand the whole company consented to act as clappers, for the paper was received with much applause. THE FLOWERS OF THE ARMY. ome ' Regiments, we believe, are called, par ezxcel- lence,“ the Flower | of the Army:” and wé certainly can see no reason | re this floral style of nomen- clature should not be applied to our troops more | particularly: thus | we cannot see why the younger | branches of the | service should not in future assume | the title of the Greens ; while all the more than ordinarily dissi- pated regiments might with equal ropriety be talked of as the Seeds. In allusion to their trowsers, the | Heseess should henceforth rank as the Pinks (of perfection) ; and the | red-coated Light Infantry, who are accoutred so heavily that they can barely walk, might in playful irony be called the Scarlet Runners ; | whilst the popular “ Guards ” should be described as the Dandy Lions. | BIRDS—NOT OF A FEATHER. Tne following advertisements recently appeared on the same day, and in the order in which we have given them. We to use strong ex- pressions, but we are inclined,to fear that the second advertiser is a Brute. G REY PARROT LOST.—Flew away from a villa in St. John’s Wood, T on Tuesday afternoon, a lovely Grey Parrot. Is full of playfulness, and though its articulation is indistinct, it will scream and screech in the most enthusiastic manner for hours together. Any one who has found it is earnestly prayed to treat the dear thing kindly, and not to resent its biting, and, on bringing it t. its disconsolate mistress, the reward of Three Guineas shall be thankfully paid. Address Mas. Ds Porretts, Acroceraunia Cottage, 3t. John's Wood. REY PARROT LOST.—Flew away from a villa in St. John’s Wood, on Tuesday afternoon, a Grey Parrot. ay be known by its viciousness, its not speaking a word, and its habit of sereeching in the most abominable manner, without any reason whatever. undermentioned address, shall receive Four Guineas, and thanks. Address Ms. Dr Porrerts, Acroceraunia Cottage, St. Jobn’s Wood. Any one who has found it, and will bring it—s«tffed—to the | On the same principle (or want of it) the oblivious 45th should hence- | forth, in this military “Language of Flowers” be /ucus-a- | known as the Forget-Me-Nots. - 2

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MARTIAL JUSTICE FOR THE MILLION. lowing important obser- vations were addressed by Masor Suort of the 146th Buffs to a select civil and military Circle :— “T tell you what, Sir. The result of that Pzrry’s trial is a deuced good thing. sentence was of it. The good thing is, it has shown we may do what we think proper,” (by “« we “and set public opimion at defiance. It hasy{shown, Sir, that we need not care a dash for that dashed case were not the question. The question was, whether the officers of a Court Martial and a Commander-in-Chief would allow ' themselves to be dictated to by a set of newspaper men ; a parcel of dashed fellows, a set of rascals and vagabonds, by Jove, Sir, who get | their living by their wits. Perhaps Perry was an ill-used lad. i dare say he was. ‘By Jove, Sir, so much the better. The dashed publie will now know that we are not to be controlled by clamour, even if there is ground for it. This is the case, Sir :—The members of the Court Martial say to one another, ‘ This isa bad business. But we've begun it, and by Jove we must go through with it. Between ourselves, we ve made a mistake ; but we musn’t be intimidated into owning we ’re in the wrong. | That will never do.’ So they deliver their sentence, and when it comes | in that course, by Jove.’ | objects, the Commanper-rn-Cuter says—with all the proper and | ' eashiered outright. authority has been asserted with in this affair showsthat we might have | before Lornp Harprnee, he says the same thing. ‘By Jove,’ he says, ‘these fellows have been in an awkward position. But there was only one course for them to take, and they took it, and I must support them advises Her Masesty to confirm the sentence. If Hen Masesry necessary —, Ma’am, by Jove, you must.’ So the sentence is confirmed, the fellow is sent about his business. By Jove, I think it’s a pity he was allowed to sell his commission. The example, to the Press I mean, and the Public would have been better if he had been Now, Sir, another thing. The success that a deuced dealfbetter Government than we have at present. ~ fellow that is troublesome, don’t s particular about forms of trial—get a jury that will find him guilty | without boggling; and then tie hm up and well lick him : or hang him | up over their own office doors. Show public on the next tree. There would be a great outery, perhaps, and hulla- | balloo, but what would that signify? Or if it did, you mght soon stop | Editors, or stringing them opinion that you've got force on your side, and are determined to use it, and by Jove, Sir, pablic opinion will knock under. Look around you, Sir, and see what has it by shooting half-a-dozen of those dashed | been done in foreign countries. The same thime might be done here ; and a deuced good thing too. You ’ve crammedthis Court Martial down their throats, Sir: so much for a beginning. As to the treatment of Perry, just or unjust, there’s an end of the matter.” These remarks, listened to attentively throughout, were greeted at’the conclusion with approving laughter, and cries of “ Bravo Major!” though a doubt was whispered some of the civilians, whether the gallant officer was not, and would nat be till after the meeting of Parliament, a little too hasty in sayimg that the matter had ended. Lines by ‘Frederick William. Tire War is good for Prussian trade, Then wherefore should [ interfere, While Russian exports, thank blockade, Can only find an outlet here ? EXCLAMATION APTER READING Mr. Parwone’s peticutrr. Boo’ —*“Save us from being either your friend or your enemy; bat especially the former.” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 121 { don’t care whether the CTowd upon us after reading this right or wrong; it has been con- firmed: and there’s an end Mp a ‘service unimvited in the chapel of Buckingham I the British’ Army as repre | - sented by its raliag splot Press. The merits of the So his Lordship goes to the Quezn and} on ceremony with him—don’t be! WHAT ON EARTH HAS HE DONE ' E understand that the fol-| T= following paragraph from one of the daily papers has rather startled us. It is headed Dr. Perrawaw ! “ Da. Parra as, whose intrusion into the Chapel of Buekingham Palace was reported in the journals a few weeks since, was sent to MH ll, after examination before the Police Magistrate. By the active interference of Mr. Pencev a, son of the late Prime Minister, and the Rey. Da. Emerton, prinetpal of Hanwell College, aided by the good feeling of some of the Middlesex Magistrates, he has been liberated ; but only upon the condition of his leaving the . This he did om Saturday week with Kon Percervat, who will asccompany him to ad Several of what the authorities might call very impertinent questions h :—First, What fas Dr. Perraman done? Secondly, Why send him to a lunatic asylam ? and Thirdly, If it was proper to send him there, why take him out again ? Fourthly, [f it was proper to release eo ve transport him by ordering him out of the country? Fifthly, Why Mn. PeRcEvAL expatriated himself with Da. Peituman’ But we might go on asking questions to all eternity on this very questionable aph, which Elcess no other offence on the part of the Doctor than his having attended divine FRIENDLY ADVICP. To the Emperor or act THE Russtas, greeting, Punch would say That for cruel and despotic Czars fuil.long has set the day : The world with years has wiser grown, and now will tolerate No government but that which in its is moderate. | That tyranny is suicidal history will shew : | A nation’s vengeance, once aroused, is sure, however slow ; From furthest age the darkest » in clearest proofs is strong That the monarchy called absolute is absolutely wrong. Tis true that many an instance the ged old times afford Of nations trampled underfoot, and Might o’er Right the lord ; Yet many a proof of nation’s wrath might even then have shown That power bought with others’ blood _is paid for with its own. Small pains to tell how Neno fell, of cruel tyrants worst, Or how they slew Catieuta, by every Roman cursed ; Or how the vile Domitian, who profaned the name of lord, Yet found his mock divinity no shield against the sword, Nor were it hard to bring the proof a little nearer home, For tyrants fall in Russia, e’en as tyrants fell in Rome ; Bear witness, Pavi, beneath whose thrall a nation suffered long, Yet proved at length a nation’s strength could expiate its wrong. Then Nicworas, be warned in time, learn prudence from the past, Be sure the worm, long undertrodden, yet will tarn at last ; Though one may rule o’er many, and believe their spirit gone, Yet, in the end, the many prove too many for the one. THE CHARACTER OF DANDO, THE GREAT OYSTER EATER :—Aw Exegant Extract. “Tes great mam died unknown, his greatness almost unacknowledged. And yet he was ® genius in bie line, if ever there was one. He discovered an opening, where no one else did. The world to him was literally an oyster, and he ope it with bis sword in the shape ofa clasp-knife. He devoured o 4 as easily as other men breathed. His fame filled England as his exploits fi the newspapers. Not a police office where he was not as well known as the magistrate. He was a © msan, before whone conquering sword thousands and thousands of natives fell; and will it he believed, it was the fashion to despise, to sneer at this bivalvian , because it was his proud custom not to pay for the natives that every day he ificed to his insatiable hunger and ambition? This mighty Haswmat—for he was as mighty as Hawwinar, entting himself a path through Fame with avinegar bottle—was subjected to every contumely, He was cuffed, collared, locked up, imprisoned, fined, sent to the treadmill! And all becanse he weald not pay for the paltry bread and butter he had consumed! How many persons, I should like to know, are in the habit of paying for their pats and loaves—their quarterns and pounds of Dorset? Is it not well known that, in this ‘ nation of shopkeepers, there are hundreds of noblemen who owe hundreds | of pounds to their bakers, and hundreds more to their buttermongers? How many men are there in this hanghty England that are not in the debt of their fishmonger, if not for oysters, at all events for salmon, for red prawns, or whitebait, Oysters were a want, a craving, a fated necessity of Dawpo's nature. It is wrong to | say he did an injury to the shops where he loved most to eat them. Granted—that he | did not pay for the many dozens he could comfortably stow awny at one sitting—stfll | was the fame of his having been to that shop to be considered nothing? Was his patronage nothing? was not the name of Dawpo more than sufficient compensation for | any paltry little bill that might be brought up against him? In any other country | but England, where shopkeepers make the laws, aad Where characters are nailed to the counter as relentlessly as bad shillings, Daspo would have been made « great man ~ | Bat the day will come when « monument will be erected to his memory higher than | amy grotto, and the very oyster-shells that in his lifetime he threw carclessly away } will be collected carefully together for the purpose of raising it. Then, when full justice is rendered to the injured charaeter of the Great Daxvo, will this poor eulogy of mine shine, like the votive offering of a tallow-candie, brightly inside it!" —from | @ prwate copy of Parwons'’s Friends and Acquaintances.”

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a "Ve = = IN ea a\ =, pyr! i. ee Pa oa THE SEA-SIDE HAT. “77, | that she remains in Londo sl

THE MANSION HOUSE IN BAD ODOUR. A rew days ago, the Lonp Mayor created a fearful sensation by walking on to the Bench in the Mansion House, and ing that such m, | would suggest that her ladyship ) | must be pretty well over—at is ; hear of no balls _ os | House; and we cannot suppose the Quee: ’ | of the City is so infatuated with the amusement, n, an oc- | casional pas seul, while all the rest of the world | is out of town.

| Tue much-injured 46th are about to start for | the East to seek “ the bubble reputation in the can- WHAT IS ENOUGH FOR ONE IS ENOUGH FOR TWO. non’s mouth,” and we only hope they will find it.

ee — — — — — ———— RUSSIAN TROPHIES OF VICTORY.

THE HIDE AND SEEK MARKET.’

! | under the nose of a great number of people. | | thority the Jnvali | two warmly con By a paragraph with this heading, which has recently been going the contemporary circuit, or, = in vulgar phrase, “ going the round of the papers,” x we observe that - “An immense number of snuffboxes, warranted to be made of the wood of the English man of war, Tiger, taken by the Russians, are exposed for sale in the shops of Odessa.’ As the Tiger is the only prize the Russians have as yet succeeded in capturing, it is but natural perhaps that they should try to make | the most of it; and by cutting it up into snuff. | Russians will have found our ships in general, Levy and Sroman relaxed for one moment in their efforts to seek them. Amongst the papers that Mr. Duxvr left behind him was one pasted up outside his office door, and which | contained an intimation to the following effect :-— afloat, are anything but things to be sneezed at.

How to be an Early Bird. Jump out of bed the moment you hear the | knock at the door. The man who hesitates when called is lost. The mind should be made up in a minute, for early rising is one of those subjects that admit of no éwraing over. —— . 2 °F 4 = y * Nye a ‘ef Gone on the Cracutt of my acquaintance. Shan’t be back till they age tired of me. Several noblemen and gentlemen, who left town without settling their bills are sup- | posed to be hiding abroad, or in the country. Their unfortunate tradesmen, perfectly used ‘to such treatment, are not putting themselves much out of the way in seeking for them. Tue three yachts, that started as an escort to the Victoria and Albert ar- rived at Boulogne only three days after it. As His Royal Highness has already reached Osborne pom | days, it is expected that the three yachts, _ which were to have es- corted him home, will very shortly arrive at their des- tination. The Allied Army has left Varna to go and look for Sebastopol. They have taken several of Dot- Loyp’s strongest tele- scopes with them. Sia Cuaries Narrer, who went out to the Baltic to give the Rus- sians a good hiding, is rapidly seeking, it is said, his way home. The Crown and Jewels of Hungary still remain where they -vere. Messrs. Barer.ess and Dounvp have not ceased for one minute to hide, neither have Messrs. ie }

im the County of Middlesex, P rinters, at their (dice in City of London. —Sareapar, Se) t amber 23, 164. ted by Will Bradbury, of 8 o. 13, U w of St. and Frederick Mullett Evana, of No. 77 Prin y William ury, of No. 13, Upper ave Plage, tn the Pustsh of Ot. Punesas, and} in the Clty of | vyad Pub by th at No. &%, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Brice, im the 27, Vietoria Street, in the Parvsh of St. Margaret and St. John, Westmnster, both

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 123 A DIG WITH A LADY’S PARASOL. - which we ~~ —— , you think of laughing a : = >=" at ours. Our bonnets so ugly as your hats -E ——} —nasty b things, : - S that have no more —— = shape in them than an Tr) = " elephant’s leg. I’m SSS : 4 -—_ sure I should be sorry to put the slice of a ah 7 = chimney-pot on my — . head ! wish you : | could see yourselves more careful then how you go out of your . Way to ridicule ws, — As for your scarfs, also—I would sooner go bare-necked than — put round my throat aoything half so non- sensical, Why, I have seen young gentlemen wear neck handkerchiefs no thicker than the ribbon we should think of putting round the neck of a little kitten. They are not half so broad as watch-ribbons. I declare in size they are no broader than the white satin favours we tie up wedding-cake with. You will be wearing your shoestrings for a necktie next. I will tell you what they at me in mind of—whenever I see one of these pretty dears, | imagine he is the favourite Eodes belonging to some lady, and has slipt his string. The next morning I expect to read in the papers an advertisement, describing his hair, ears, and eyes, and offering a reward of ten shillings if any one will return him to his disconsolate mistress. Mind, these | are not say oy ad are not lawyers’ clerks, or medical students, but elegant young men who part their hair down the middle, indulge in the most extraordinary shirt-collars, sport | black stripes down their legs, and altogether pretend to some.degree of taste. Then the | shirt-collars !—No military stock ever aoanghel a poor unfortunate soldier half so cruelly ' as one of these ‘all-round collars’ cut and torture the unfortunate eee are that is locked up in it. What! if I were to direct public attention to those stupid stripes down your trowsers? What do they mean? Are they useful? Are they even ornamental? Is | it not an affectation of the military style, which argues that those who adopt it are anything | but military men? Must you be marked all over like a giraffe ?—need you be scored about with broad gashes like a leg of pork? You only see those black lines on the body of a | mule, and we all know that the mule is the nearest approach to the donkey. I will not say | anything more—but will simply conclude by asking you, cher Punchey, if you think it is fair | to attack us for anything ilcdeuethe ridicule with us sinning only on the side of beauty —whilst you, gentlemen, if you do sin in matters of dress, are sure to’sin on the uglyside. [ wonder you are not ashamed of yourselves. And you, Mx. P., as an admirer of our sex, as a lover of everything that is beautiful, [’m sure you ought to know better. Nevertheless, my Dear Polichinelle, I remain, “ Yours, not angry, only indignant, “Emwa Jane Mania Sornta,” &c. COMMON SENSE IN REGIMENTALS. Twaxxs to the war, common sense has lately had unusual influence with our military authorities, and “ease before elegance” is to be henceforth the order of the day. In their race for glory, our soldiers will no longer be so heavily weighted, and their arms in future | will be rather more reasonably proportioned to their legs. Troops on active service will | have a better chance allowed them of displaying their activity, and the feat of “ standing at ease” in their regi will cease to be viewed as an impossible attainment. Time and the Times have happily exploded the old martinet theory, that to make a useful soldier np must begin by ing him; nor will our men, in order to look smart on parade, any more prevented by tight clothes from being “smart” on service. But while as our soldiers’ clothing, the authorities, it appears, have not exactly acted upon Ham/e?’s principle, and “ reformed it altogether.” A recent paragraph informs us that— “ Sealed patterns of new uniforms have been received at the Horse Guards, and are now under consideration. In all of them, we understand, there is very considerable alteration as to cut; but as tar as we can learn there will be little, if any, change in point of colour.” We su it is from mere force of habit that the British army so persists in sticking to its col else we should there are not many in the service but would be glad to have the brickdust shaken their coats. In trowsers, too, we are not our- selves particular to a shade, but we cannot think that exactly a becoming one, which makes | | UNCH, you naught , fellow '— You laugh For soldiers who have sometimes to lie in ; at our bonnets, and | amb ee | Pe the funny way in| to maket mu z ladies wear| thinking that our military authorities would be them. I only wish | puzal = ou gentlemen would putting their men in such a co = : = k at your own! =x sears them the better mark for the ridicule —_ dress a little, before of t i j} 2 — after all are not half} —you would bea little | | the bearer look as though he literally had been walking into cherry tart. Such pantaloons we think are only fit for a pantomime, and must elsewhere be regarded as breaches of good sense. useade, any clothing is absurd which tends conspicuous; and we cannot help | to adduce a colourable pretext for dress as ir friends, and the rifles of their enemies. A PRE-SCIENTIFIC PEER. _Poor Loup Dersy appeared at the Associa- tion for the Advancement of Science at Liver- pool, and there—before the wise ones of the earth—lamented his ignorance with a fund of humour. He had been born in dark times, before the lights of science had dawned. He presented himself as a specimen of nobleman ignorance, and was received as a remarkable addition to the large stock already on hand. >noressoR Owen pointed out to the com- pany the peculiar characteristics ted in the noble Earl; and called upon his audience to mark and reflect upon the development of the moral qualities that, when put forth under a coronet, may exert an extraordinary fascination | upon mankind in 1; when, in fact, without the coronet, the ifluence of the animal might, | even to the most sagacious of men, have remainec altogether unacknowledged. The learned Pro- fessor next called the attention of the assembly to the h, or we, of the specimen before him ; o ig that, if time permitted, he could show the eer powers of the specimen, latent in their strength, and existing in aurife- rous secretions, that, with such organisations, | must continue to have a most noble influence upon all surrounding bodies. The Professor was continuing these profound speculations, when | the noble specimen of a pre-scientific age, broke from his hands; and struck up a comic song. | We have only room for the last stanza; which on in jig time, the members of the Asso- ciation all joming in chorus : “ Here stands with head of coroneted earth, | An Earl to quartz and mastodons unknown ; | A golden spoon did feed him at his pirth— And Whig and Tory marked him for theirown.” | The noble Earl made such an impression upon the audience in general, that more than one of | the Liverpool council was heard to remark that | “ after all, the real, condescending, hearty igno- | rance of a true nobleman was worth all the bothering knowledge of a bundle of professors.” A very melancholy opinion for the philosopher to reflect on! But then, how very brilliant igno- rance must be when it is embedded in fifty | thousand a-year ! INCREASE OF ALDERMEN. Tw describing the livery of Mr. Atpenman Mucoenines, one of the Sheriffs elect, the Morning Post says : “ Pendant from the left shoulder, from a chastely-exeented shoulder-badge, is a plaited egleottaire, the badge represent- ing, in exquisite em work, the arma of the worthy alderman, with the motto— Dat Deus incrementum.'” As a text looks rather out of place on o shoulder-badge, would it not be as well to make a slight alteration in this motto, whieh would secularise it, and at the same time r it more appropriate ; namely, by the change of a single word; thus: “ Dat testudo incrementum,”—“ The turtle gives the increase?” We are not acquainted with the dimensions of Mu. Mucerarmpee; but surely his motto would derive, from the substi- tution poepeees, a peculiar fitness for the livery | of an A VOL. XXYII. 0 ot eer es

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124 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ined SCHOOLING FOR SOVEREIGN BRUTES. E wish His lished in the brother the Krve, leader hese insurge spiration, an more evidenc Pius does. following ge nition might model to the the next time body ame “When the upon you, my but some!imes displeasure, in you must treat and not ktiek them with your beot on,—for, if you kick them with your boot on, it may of the ladies are in auch @ state as to call for the congratulations of their friends, and thus you inter- fere with the kind intentions of your Heavenly Father, who loves to foster haman life ° and if sill awy of the ladies should commit any trifling fault, so as to give offence to my lord, it the bamboo. You may, however, scold woald be as well t excuse them from being beaten with them severely, and tell them not to offend aay more.” Another potentate who might be edified by the perusal of this exhortation vation of Brussels sprouts, with a view to tHe Pore would read | perhaps, when any more Nuns like those of Minsk persist the discourse, lately pub- | n saying their prayers their own way, the AvTocrar, imi- | the Porg, the Eastexn Paixce pretends to in- respects he gives rather it is of course their duty; or whether he mercifully condescends to take it off first, | at least if the offeading lady is im an interesting situation, we are not able to say. It is notorious, however, that Howrsess | women are flogged under his paternal Government; and » Times, of | tating the clemency of the CetestiaL Kuve, (who, we are the Eastexs Putnce, happy to state, has promised to adopt his brother’s sug- addressed to his elder gestion 1) will at least excuse them from being beaten Cerestiat | with the Knout, and content himself with scolding them of the Chi- severely, and tellimg them not to offend any more. nts. Like DIPLOMATIC MOVEMENTS. Tse Peovcess Laevew has returned to her old quarters e of it than’ in Braseels, having sejourned awhile in certain of the Really, the Rhbenish provinces, where, it is understood, she has proved ntle admo-| of the greatest assistance and consolation to the Kive or serve as a| Prussta. “The women are the best j after all,” says holy father, | Sea Perrot; and there can be no doubt that women » he has oc-| make the best war ministers. No coats like petticoats. d In some casion to reprove any- The Kine or Paussta is a philosopher, and therefore open, as a housebreaker, to conviction. Thus counselled by the Prixcess Lieven, Prussia’s Monarch has presented to the ladies wait world that imflexible countenance for doing nothing that elder brother, for nothing will, to all posterity, make bim especially re- they may be | Markable. His Majesty has been right royally grateful ; apt to exeite your righteous and, in a coemfidential letter, written im zebra’s milk, has Ss presented Privcess Lieven with the Colonelcy of the be thar ame Prussian Blues. For obvious reasons, the Parycess will not appear at the head of her regiment until the conclusion of the presemt unhappy war. In the meantime she will live near Brussels. A charming country house bas been taken for her, with an extensive garden attached. It is said that the Princess intends to give her best energies to the culti- | i mating that is the Czan. Whether Nicnonas is in the habit of kicking ladies with his boot on, very green and marrowy vegetable in Russia. PUNCH’S PROVINCIAL LETTERS. To Mr. Punch. “Sim, “You did me proud last week. The Sguashborough Gazette by this time knows what it lost by not receiving the letter you were so obliging as to print. I beg upon the present oecasion to send you another instalment of literary, political, and fashionable information. | have, of course, forwarded it also to Squashborough (thanks toa manifold writer), but as you and the Gazette appear on the same day, no harm is done. Reeeive, Sir, another despatch from a “ London Correspondent,” and receive, also, the assurance of his profound esteem. “ Yours faithfully, “ Baassey Gone Movusu.” “ 2ad Floor back, No. 11, Buggy’s Rents, “ Squalorty Court, Drury Lane.’ From our Lonpon CokresronpDenNtT. * Atheneum Club, Wednesday. “ Politieal news this week. AseRDEEN is going out, and a good thing too, I suppose you will say. Did you read the leading article in the leading journal, about the Baltic expedition? That showed in what direction the household mouser intended to become saltatory, eh? Who do you think wrote that article? You will not easily guess, nor do I make any pretence to especial discernment, but it so hap- pened that calling to tell the Editor something it was as well he should know, my eye fell upon the MS. of the article, and I recognised the hand-writing. It is Six Cuantes Narrer’s, and it was sent home from the Baltic in a red envelope, by the Colomdo transport, now at Woolwich. As soon as it appeared, Lonp Aperpeen drove off in a rage to Printing-House Square, and demanded that every word of it should be retracted. This was refused. He then required the author’s uane, and by way of mystification was told that the remarks were from the pen of Mr. Cartes Kean. His lordship then declared that Mr. Kean should never again perform at Windsor, and that he himself would resign the Premiership. If the public is half as pleased with the latter resolution as the junior branches of the Royal Family are with the former, we shall have an illumintaion. “You have heard something of the story about the Bisnor or Oxrorp (Wrieerrorce) leaving a religious meeting to go to a ball at Sutherland House, and Her Mavesty telling one of her maids of honour to go and dance with him. The papers have got the anecdote rather incorrectly. ‘The Bisnor did go, but he was rather entrapped into the ballroom. He was standing by the baleony, looking down |imto the grand hall, where Vianpor Gancts was singing ‘Una voce,’ jand having previously been into thejeard-room to speak to the Agcu- | pisHor OF YorK (who was being scolded by Lonp SuHarrespury for | twice revoking), the Bisuor did not know that the Queen had arrived. Lavy Ernestine Macraavess was near him, and beth were enchanted with Vrarpor. ‘Oh, my dear Bisuop,’ said the lovely Lapy E. M., ‘I positively must give the dear thing my bouquet. Would you feteh it? |—it is on the couch opposite the Murillo.” What could Samug. do? |He went smilingly to the ball-room, and making his way to the place, | confronted the astonished look of his Royal Mistress. ‘ Wed/, Doctor | Witserrorce,’ said the Head of the Church; but im the mild words | was conveyed the essence of a whole judgment of Convocation. The humbled Lord of Oxford took up the flowers, and backed out of the —— yen: — by. oon 50 an — ? = — - — nn re | the Puseyite prelate passed him. e made no reply, but presented the —— to its charmmg owner, who protested that she bed chenpel her | ma about giving it up. While they Were speaking, pretty Lavy Marcuenitre VympBiymTon tripped up, and begged to engage the | Brsnopr for the next deuz-temps. The Witpexronce wit came to the }aid of the once-caught, twice-shy prelate: ‘Pas deux temps!’ (Not twice !) he said, bowing, and evaporating. | “Her Masesty sent over an autograph letter by Paunce AtBert to Louis Napoueon, with which the latter was much pleased. I did not | see it, but I have reason to think that I am pretty well aware of the | contents. They were not political, nor were they complimentary, but | they were simply to say that Her Masesty had no hesitation in entrusting the Prine to the care of a steady man like the Exrenon, but she hoped they would not smoke too many cigars, or feel it necessa to baptise the extente cordiale in too much claret. It was observ that in accordance with this hint the royal personages retired early each evening, but an officer in the Cent Guards writes me word that the | Emperor had a meerschaum at his bed-room window. “You do not care much about theatrical intelligence, and indeed I seldom go into the front of a theatre, though I occasionally lounge into the green-rooms to have a gossip with the actresses, and to give them a hint as to costume and other matters. I hear, however, that they are going to revive Hamlet at the Adelphi, with a cast which 1 should think would be attractive. Hamlet will be played by Miss Woouear; Ophelia, | by Mr. Keeter; Ghost, Ma. Paci beens (with ‘I believe you, my boy,’ when his son names his uncle as the murderer); Osric by Mr. Ryper (from the Princess’s) ; and Gertrude by Mz. O. Smrru. A great tank, which the late Mr. Yates made below the Adelphi stage (for an aquatic spectacle) is being restored, and will be filled with real water, | in which the drowning of Ophelia will be seen, and Mz. Keeney & ——y Se aes 6 «=e oe Srl omsork th

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yy Correa se reer Ss, BrafS rareor ee — PUNCH, OR THE-LONDON CHARIVARL 125 | practising swimming every day in order to avoid an accident. The | catastrophe of the play will be altered, from a recently discovered folio | edition, and Hamdet, after killing Leertes, will fight a terrific combat | with the invading Fortinédras, expiring at the moment of victory. Some | passages a-propos to the Turkish resistance of Russia have been intro- fineed, and { have no doubt the affair will be a hit. “There will be some new peerages created before the meeting of Parliament. Lorp Jom» is still unable to get his. But Mr. Dis RAELI goes up to the as Viscount Pa.estine, at Mr. Grap- STONE'S especial instanee. Lorp Dcp.ey Stuart, who is understood to be indignant that he wae not made President of the Board of Health, instead of his more able colleague, is to be consoled by the title of Baron Pratitupe ; and | think, but am not sure, that Mr. Rozsuck becomes Lorp Buckram. Conowen Sistnonrr applied for a peerage, but his request is under consideration, several members of the House of Lords having earnestly protested against his being sent up there. The next vacant Garter has been promised to a friend of my own, whose | name it would be premature to mention. | “That Acrobat affair at Doncaster has made a’noise. Why the horse should on Wednesday lose disgracefully, and on Friday win triumphantly, may be a sort of mystery to some folks, but [ can assuré you—and [ am retty well acquainted with stable secrets—that all was fair, that Lorp ERBY’s conduct was strictly honourable, and that Scorr was as inno- cent as a baby. The fact was that Acrobat would have been beaten on Friday, but for his extreme terrog, One of the horses behind him—I think Or into Acrobat’s stall some nights before, and viciously bit a piece out of the root of his tail. Seeimg the same horse on the ground on Friday, and dreading a repetition ef the onteage, Acrobat set off like the wind and beat everything. Loz» Deane knew this quite well, and made a good jeke about “tailing eff,” whieh I | should spoil by endeavouring to repeat. : ; = Bae beam squnted of Ge deumpelyaieing Mnelt i order to arrest Mapame Caraport. When I heard of the ease F said might be a slow man (Stoman), he had . This is the only jeu de mot | have heard - ya A of the Morning Advertiser has returned wisdom, to. send you.” A SCOLDING FROM PAPA PIUS. “You well know,” says the Porz, addressing his subordinate hierarchs, “ How the Christian nations are afflicted and scourged with the most cruel wars, or with intestine disturbances, or pestilential disease, or mighty earthquakes, or other great evils.” The venerable gentlemen appealed to by his Hotmvess know mach more than we do—and might yet know little enough, says your Emi- nence, perhaps—and is welcome to the joke. What is the matter with eigium ?—with Portugal? In what way are Austria and Prussia suffering, except from the expense of a standing army, and some ridi- cule? The Dutch too, the Switzers, what have they to vex them at this particular time? The Yankees—a Christian nation, surely, as much as ourselves or the Russians, or the French, are they not going a-head—and that in spite of Know Nothing demonstrations against the holy Roman Chureh and the holy Irish? And where are the might earthquakes” happening, except perliaps in those regions of Sou! assied where those convulsions of Nature are usual’ The Port should have named the “ earthquakes.” But now comes a statement in the Porr’s “ Eneyelical Letter,” wherefrom we are quoting, which is really unkind. “ And this is even y tobe | ted, that among so many evils and misfor- tnnes, which can never be sufficiently deplored, the children of darkness, who are wiser in their generation than the children of light, struggie more and more every day with ' all kands of diabolical frauds, and efforts, to wage a most bitter war against | the Catholie Chureh and its salutary doctrine, to pull down and destroy the authority of all legitimate power, to corrupt and deprave the minds and intellect of all, to propa- | gate on all sides the deadly poison of indi ff>rentism and incredulity, to confnse all rights, | Divine and human, to stir up diseords, and the ions of impious re- | neourage all kinds of vity, and the most cruel crimes, and to leave pee parry so that, if it were , our most holy religion might be obliterated from midst of us, and human society overturned from its foundation.” Not unkind to us. Now this, we repeat, is unkind. No. We have laughed at winking statues and we have repudiated CanpivaL Wise- MAN ; let the Por, therefore, call us impious, and apply to us all the opprobrious epithets that he thinks in his conscience and charity that _ Not to us, not to Quzex Victoria, do we charge his Houay ess with 5 not to the British Public and its Sov BREIGN | but to the French and ther Emesror. Are not Louis Naroueon his subjects in the same 2 a8 we are; chastised with the same evil come upon them because they are jell doctrine,” the ruler encourages, and th le the principles of Socialism and Communism ? Who —y - emm long to have some specimens of wit, “a bitter war agaist the Catholic church and its aes embrace, , Socialists: rather risk a writ than pay his w to Cayenne? Whose are the bayonets that now uphold the so-called chair of St. Peter ’—they should prick its occupant’s sense of gratitude through the cushion—at least that sentiment is clearly not in its right place. ‘These are the thanks that Louis Narougon gets for having restored the Pontrrr to his See. Perhaps the Pore would like to get back to Bomsa; the only monarch in Europe, probably, of whom his HoLINEss now approves, and him, we rather think he*has to anathema. | tise, or something 2 like it, on account of some obsolete grudge, annually, pro formd. But this denunciation is a mere ceremony, and aay OMBA is not included among the “children of darkness,” he papal invective, however, makes no exceptions. Clergymen of the Pore’s persuasion generally sprinkle their Roly water judiciously, by means of a delicate spemes ef besom, but Prus appears to scatter his aspersions with a mop, wiuch he trundles in such a violent indiscriminate manner as to fling his slays ito the face of everybody. 4A GLUT OF GREAT TRAGEDIANS. ___,. TwovemtheShakspearean | market is at a low ebb in it town, == y° over stocked, in the ly am actor that may be called a tragic performer, the country seems to he overflowing with “eminent tra- gedians.” It is true that we should re- main in blissful ignorance of the ex istence of most of these “ great crea- tures,” if it were not for their own advertisements in the Times, whose columns teem daily with the self-assertions of histrionie genius. It is rather tantalising to the London lover of the high drama to find that the representatives of the high heroic school of acting can get no nearer to the metropolis than some little Pedlington or other, where they are, however, “open to further engagements,” We hiad only just re covered from the perusal of the recent advertisements of the “ eminent Ditton ” and the “renowned Prrr,” when an entirely new star shines forth with the startling announcement that “Mr, Burien Wexrworrn is about to return to the stage. Me will perform at the Theatre Royal, Whitehaven, in the characters of, &c. &c., the 20th of October, after which he will be open to further engagements,’ Now we have nothing to say against the merits of any or all of these gentlemen, who may be wandering Gannicks as far as we know, but as we never saw any one of them, while of some we actually never heard, we are somewhat surprised at their coming suddenly down upon us as “eminent tragedians.” If those tlemen who favour us from time to time with advertisements of their “eminence” and their “ great- ness,” will only persuade the managers to exhibit those much- wanted qualities on the London stage, we shall be among the first to hail their advent as a new era in theatrical history. ROMANCE AND REALITY OF THE VIVANDIERE. Tae Cockney tourists at Bou have heen much disappointed at the sight of the real vivandiére, is more like an old gentleman in blue petticoats and red trousers than those smart young Jadies who figure on the title-pages of quadrilles and polkas in the musie-sbops. The principal vivandiere at the French camp looks as if she had seen, not only some twenty summers, but at least forty autumns, and, to judge by her frosty hair, an equal number of winters. Instead of re- sembling La Figlia, the old lady in question is more like La Madre del Reggimento. Jexwy Lrsp created such a hele idéale of the Vinan- diere, that our sentimentality receives aa frightful smash when the real object makes her appearance, with a face full of wrinkles, Inghlows _~ of nails, and a mouth fall of French slang of the least recherch? | character. A Comxscrgntious Tertotatten.—The teetotal martyr, who will - a Y

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THE LONDON CHARIVARLI 3 = 4 = SS MERE Sa le RNIN ae THE PLUNGER IN TURKEY. “T say, Orn Fattan!—Do You THmex rt PwoBABLE THE LyPANTWY WILL ACCOMPANY US TO SzBAsTOPOL?” [$oe! ‘oe weanatawo business as any’ rummage -. enough of buried — to sess cugveany nee, 26 Sie iat Fn - ~ Colour and density, could only be vitrified Blue-books; and he “a vase of the red Samian ware, lettered sui. rz. (Suit fecil), or orrict yusc. (BRrown’s Factory), and con oo igil, mediately ee to Sarp Pasua for permission to make that transcript below the old Excise Office. And should such a discovery be may predicate with certainty that “ that indefatigable virtuoso Roacn Sarru” will hasten to secure the treasure for the civic nay wowed wn oe ~~ eighteenpence, miralty agent,” have discovered the which was burnt by the Cauipa Oman.” They fact, because the Captain discovered the “ remains of a building,” AY ’ ‘masses of double columns ;” which, to be sure, must have been the | DRY LEAVES FROM OLD EGYPT. —_ of the — Gazette or Thebes Intelli . Ar this season of the year, such of Mr. Punch’s contemporaries as °4¥: “An immense block of blue granite was also ug cannot find food for discourse above ground, are wont to do a little 3¢¥eral tons, and covered with, apparently, Coptic letters. was unable to obtain a tracing ‘of these letters.” » will — the Captain had been unable to effect,—and it is unn seed mam eas pees i a % ‘third braso,” wil Rents. found by " y iat m _ means readily ors Se said oe © to the said | esse une t present the eminent scholars whom Mr, RLY , ee bey ~ X, A ~t - represen = — loyed liave only been able to translate a portion of a “ heport from the portion of the hind legs of a horse ( considered by one of oar | mminsioners sppointed to convey the god Avis from Nubia” (where und e purchased him) “to Memphis most eminent antiquaries to be Pegasus), may be fo thirt rd He appears to have | Ry 11 1 and it is ver ek rontenta Rid as ete Ay wy -| . gate, beneath which s' Ss an y ealish. chapel es the | : : Mar! seventy-eighth annual discovery of that i. 7 a the seventy- Doings in the Hop kot. eighth time it is comm to the papers; and once more an| Aw immense deal of business has been done lately at the new Hop accurate drawing of the chapel. taken (on the spot) from the Gené/e- Markets, or cheap dancing shops, of which there are several i man’s Magazine of December, 1772, in an illustrated j . | quarter of the town. These hop markets are chiefly This year, however, our archaeo penny-a-liners have sone wers, who have not yet done growing, and who are still quite and, in company with Cartain Nar Nevenmase, “our Ad- he produce is considerable, and indeed there are in low It was at once evident to Mr. Punch that a mass, of the .y- © | satentetiog to know that he had been brought up “on 13, 000 Ib. of o cake, 10 tons of turnips, and 40 fodder of hay,” and that ere he sanshed but will find, on arriving at the spot, that the discoverer, an hones the place of exhibition he travelled eight hundred miles on foot (during r of the name of Sra ee in vain endeavouring to sell the eect en thirty a eee oun olde r ~ in extenme gingest, chopped it up | of fellahs—i, ¢. of any fellers whom the commissioners could press into Now aa yawn, and cairns give oe their” wes, or other | the service. — ee ‘069 “ON ,“nONAT) —— ruins of that Alexandrian Library some Hop Markets where pockets are at all times being picked by are confident of | 4 who may be said to have their hand in, whenever an opportunity

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SEBASTOPOL—A | Serremper 30, 1854.) Puncu,’ No, 690,

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Ph : PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 129 | “A BOOK IN A BUSTLE.”—A TRUE TALE OF THE WARWICK ASSIZES.” | (BY THE GHOST OF CRABBE.) Tue partial power that to the female race But now what cares-seize Mas. Jonrs’s breast! | And Tomxrns, seeing Mus. Jones aghast, Is charged to apportion gifts of form and grace, | What terrors throng her once unbroken rest! | Revealed the book was forged—from tirst to With liberal band moulds beauty’s curves in Cash she could keep, in many a secret nook — last ! one, But where to stow away Jamzs T'ayior’s book ? And to another gives as good as none : Money is heavy: where ‘tis put ‘twill stay; | Who.can describe the wrath of Mrs. Jones ? But woman still for nature proves « match, Paper—as Witt1amM Coppetr used to say— | The chill of fear that crept through ‘Tay.on’s And grace by her denied, from art will snatch. | Will make wings to itself, and fly away! bones ? Hence, Great Etaza, grew thy farthingales; | The van—the hand-cuffs—and the prison-cell Hence, later Anna, swe thy hoops’ wide | Long she devised : new plans the old ones chase | Where pined James ‘TayLor—wherefore pause ales ; | Until at last she hit upon a place. to tell? To this we must refer the use of stays ; Was’t Venus that the strange concealment | Soon came the Assizes—and the legal train ; Nor less the bustle of more modern days. planned, In form the clerk James Tayior did arraign ; Or rather Piwtus’s irreverent hand ? And though his council mustered tears at will, Artful device ! whose imitative pad | And made black white with true Old Bailey Into good figures roundeth off the bad— Good Mrs. Jonzs was of a my A make ; skill, Whether of simple sawdust thou art seen, But when did woman vanity forsake ? — Tayior, though Mas, Jonxs for mercy sued, Or tak’st the guise of costlier crinoline What nature sternly to her form denied, Was doomed to five years’ penal servitude ; How oft to thee the female form doth owe A Bustle’s ample aid had well supplied, And in a yellow suit turned up with gray, A grace rotund, a line of ampler flow, W ithin whose Vasty depths the book might To Portland prison was conveyed aw ay ! Than flesh and blood thought fit to clothe it safely hide ! with below! = , ; Time passed: forgot James ‘Tayior and his | "T'was thought—twas done! by help of ready shame— There dwelt in Liverpool a worthy dame, no Dib ; When lo—one day unto the bank there came Who had a friend—James Tavuor was lis | Vhe sawdust was let out, the book put in. A new James TayLon—a new Mas, Jones— name. Henceforth—at home—abroad—where’er she And 9 new book, which Tomkins genuine He dealt in glass, and drove a thriving trade, moved, owns ! And still saved up the profits that he made, Behind her lurked the volume that she loved. | “eo Taytons end two Jounezs and two Till when a daughter blest his marriage bed, | She laughed to scorn the cut-purse and his books ”’— The father in the savings-bank was le | _ sleight ; Thought wary Tomxins, “this suspicious In his child’s name a small sum to invest, | No fear of burglars scared her through the looks— From which he drew the legal interest. night ; “ The former Tayton, former Jones | knew— But ah, what shrioe is safe from greed of gold, | These are impostors—yet the book is true!” Years went and came; James Tayior came | What fort against cupidity can hold ? When like a flash upon his mind it burst— ; ag ; cupidity can hold? i } a and went ; ; Can stoutest buckram’s triple fold keep in, | Who brought the second book had forged the Paid in, and drew, his modest three per cent, | Phe odor lucri—the strong seent of tin 7 first ! Till, by the time his child reach’d girlhood’s | For which Cuwss’s locks are weak, and Mus | | bounds, vats oolinn eae | Again was summon’d X, the stern, the strong— The sum had ris’n to two-and-twenty pounds. ann an ines Again that pair were bid to “Come along!” Some time elapsed—the time required by law, | The truth before the justices appear’ d, Our cautious legislature—well tis known— | Which past, Jamzs Tayiox might the money | And pones James Taxyion’s character was Round savings-banks a guardian fence has mA clear’d. | : wn: His kind but cautious creditor to pay, : , ' Tis easy to:pay into them, no doubt, | So to the savings-bank they took fee way. In evil hour—by what chance ne'er was maoe “ Though anything but easy to draw out. There Mas. Jones with modesty withdrew,— Whether the bustle’s seam ne come ia n, And so Samus Taytor'found; foronaday | ‘To do what no rude eye might see her do, Or Mus. Jones by chance had laid aside He wanted twenty pounds a bill to pay, * And soon returning—with a blushing loak, fhe artificial charms that deeked a _ And, short of cash, unto the bank applied ; Unmarked by Taytor, she produced the hook. But so it was, how or —_ agtngo —_ Failing seme form of law, he was denied ! | Which he, presenting, did the sum demand Phat treacherous hiding-place was tried—an | Of Ma. Tomx1ns, the cashier so bland, failed ! James Taynor humm’d and haw’d—look’d , ; = | blank and blue ;— What ean there be upon the red-lined page The book was ta’en—a forged one fill’d its In short,J.amus Taytor knew not what to do: | That Tomxrns’s quick eye should so engage ? — _ : a His creditor was stern—the bill was overdue. | What means his invitation to J. ., And Mus, Jones was robb’d—not to her face i | ‘ — | To “ walk in for a moment ’—“ he would see”— And poor J..#88 TarLon doom’d to trial anc As toa friend he did his t deplore— | “Only a moment ’—“ ’twas all right, no doubt,” disgrace ! The worthy dame of whom I spoke before— {Jt could not be”—‘“and yet”—here he (It might cause pain to give the name she owns, | — Who shall describe er anguish—her remorse ° | 4 So let me use the ym of Jones); — = "Taytor grievously perplext, James Tartor was at “wee vejenens, ee "| Tarnos,” said » Sows, “as I’m a friend, | And Mus. Jones by his behaviour vext. And Mas. Jones, repent. Wied keep, before [ do not care if I the m lend. | What means the man by treating people so?” Henceforth to carry, what s.. Ds | But even friends security s hold ; Said Taxior, “ [ am at a loss to know.” = Sipteee: | Give me a lend the gold.” My tale is told—and, what is mor”: “* re This sav: deposit-book |” he cries. | Too soon, alas, the secret cause they knew ! I read it in the —so may you. . 7 See—in my daughter's mame ‘the sum that | Tomxrns return’d, and, with him, one in blue— | And this it’s : Mas. Joneses ali ~ " lies ! ” 2 Po.iceman X, a stern man and a strong, Though reticules may drop, and purses fa. “an | She saw—and, satisfied, the moncy lent ; Who told James Taytorn he must “come Though thieves may unprotected lemales hus. ~’ | Wherewith James Taytor went away content. along” — Never invest your money in a bustle. * Vide Spectator, for September 16. Objects of the Bluecoat School. Questionable Taste in Literature. Ow Thursday last week, being St. Matthew’s day, the annual orations'| Somezopy has written a book ing the somewhat affected title of were—according to the newspapers—delivered at the Bluecoat School.| What am 1? Wheream1? WhyamI? These are just the sort of Unfortunately, we were not present on this interesting occasion, and questions we can fancy might oceur to the rather bewildered mind of « are therefore not in a position to give the particulars of those dis- | gentleman waking up after a night’s lodging in the station house. We courses. As, however, the benefits of the Hos ital constituted their | protest against the assumption of objectionable titles by authors and subject, the clothing of the seholars was probably alluded to for one publishers, just as much as we test against the said assumption by ung ; and we sup the youthful speakers amused their auditors Archbishops and Cardinals. There is rather a tendency to this kind of with pancgyries on blue cassoeks, and pewter buttons, praises of flanne| affectation among writers of a particular class, and we therefore {cel petticoats, encomiums on yellow stockings, and apologies for caps into called upon to quash What am I? &c. &c. a8 an impertanenec, to whic! which it is impossible to get the head. Who are you? would form an appropriate supplement.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE CZAR’S WORST FEAR. | MONKEY’S ALLOWANCE. will he order the vessel that shall con and sunk, or command that they shal E consider the occupation & with liberal notions, on ‘ shall do in sending back | the prisoners whom we have | their sojourn in ——— 0 them to their native country to be scuttled be hanged or shot? Really, in the event al Aa | A Boa Constrictor has, it seems, arrived lately at Liver- of the Crimea is nothing | pool, in good health and tolerable spirits. After having to another invasion of | eaten nothing for nearly five months it suddenly made a Russia which must take | mouthful of a live ae On If this was only a prejimi- place—and that when the | nary snack, we recommend all monkeys to keep out of war isover. We may pitch | the way, and we congratulate the powder monkey on his shot and shell into Sebas-| fortunate escape, for the boa constrictor luckily had no topol, and throw French | appetite on the voyage. We are told that the animal was and ish troops upon| “at large among the cargo” for fifty-eight days, but we the town and fortress: but | have not heard that he bolted any of the luggage. Sup- what is that to turning | posing the beast to have spared the limbs, we wonder he loose some thousands of | did not swallow the trunk of a passenger. i and loaded SS SD soil? This we A Political Shawl. We w pel os. - the a ws - | Visits England, she will appear in a shawl, worth forty no ane, i | thousand franes, with the arms of England and France | a — 5 This nee ical of the comins free trade i . : {in thread and cotton. Punch’s own correspondent observes, ops * will N.| im addition, that the Emrgnor’s dress waistcoat will be ; ‘i. | Ormamented with a border of corkscrews and grape-vines!; as emblematic of his intention of throwing open aa to English steel, that England may, im return, take cheap | French wine. dis is authentic. cHOLAS do to avert this blow? No quarantine will ify men from liberalism ; of a peace, the best thing for the Russian prisoners to do will be to remain where| Water-Drivxrxe Sones.—We observe that “ Tem- they are: they will have learned too muc countrymen by the Czar, to be suffered to exist among their’ perance Melodies” are advertised. Are the tunes selected rom Hanpeu’s Water Music ? — AN ACT For the Abolition of a certain Nuisance, now being largely practised by | Performers, Amateurs, Singers (Professional’as well as Private), and young Gentlemen generally of a facetious and persecuting burn. CUIMEREA®D it has lately become the babit of many hundreds of Your Masesty’s subjects—authors, reporters, men, performers, officers, singers at the Cider Cellars and evening Parties, apprentices, shopboys, “Old Boys,” and other boys, and young gentlemen of all | ranks and grades and degrades of life—to indulge in a certain imitation | of Mr. Cuartes Keay, which is excessively unpleasant when it is not exact, and 1s still more so when it is: Anvd UWihereas it has also been the habit for several months past, of the above-mentioned individuals, and many more equally infatuated, or perversly inclined, to indulge in those same imitations at all times and places, when they are neither wanted, expected, called for, or agreeable —so much so, that it has lately become positively dangerous and un- | pleasant to go to the Theatre, or to make any allusion in Society to the | Stage, for fear of having that eternal im;itation dinned into your ears : Anv CWihereas such a habit must, if illiberally pursued, necessarily | tend, in point of time, to bring izito disrepute a great actor who enjoys | | the patronage of the Court, and has done so much to improve and | elevate the yg may also, if not stopped, have the farther un- | t happy effect of throwizgr an undeserved slur upon his universally- | admitted talent, to sey nothing of his genius : __ May it therefore, please Your Masesry that it be enacted: An¥ be it @nacted that henceforth each actor in burlesque or otherwise, so | offending as4mst good taste, be considered unpardonably guilty of a} great bre.ch of manners, and for each such offence his salary be stopped tor the Newey | and, moreover, if he be convieted of more than three | such offences then that no mercy be shown to him, but that his engage- ment be, ipso malo, forfeited, and the stage doors of all other theatres be | closed in his face, without benefit, even, of any Saloon, Tavern, or the Princess’s : Gnv be it further @nacted that each individual so offending in | private, and not having even the common excuse of a poor actor, of getting his livelihood by the atrocity, be, the moment he begins with “ Now isht the winterre of our dishcontent,” &c. &c., instantly ejected | from the room, and thenceforth without further ado, sent to Coventry | by all his friends and acquaintances, as being a man of perverted tastes | and vulgar propensities, with whom it be evening to one’s self-respect | to associate, and, moreover, if such misguided individual will persist in| the same line of general annoyance, that anyone be at liberty to give | him into custody for endeavouring to incite Hen Masgsty’s subjects | month’s imprisonment in one of ALES SRS PORN SY | baa Ny NYY } » | SKETCH ON THE BEACH, NOT A HUNDRED MILES FROM BROADSTAIRS. HOW SMITH APPEARED IN HIS NEW BOOTS APTER BATHING. ay x Ir is said that a form of public thanksgiving for the expulsion to commit a violation of the peace : Quen ‘Cuseuema, and other blessings to the Spanish people, is abou Anvd be it further Enacted that for each such offence, fully proved | to be before a Magistrate, the lowest — be a fine of five pounds, or a | due to the foreign creditor, Esrartero has co’ ER Maseerr’s Houses of Correction. | to begin with these words—“ Let us pay.” ordered, and that with a quick and honourable sense © what is thanksg! Thanksgiving in Spain. of wing

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 131

A QUEER GUIDE TO GOVERNMENT SITUATIONS. Ir has been dimly evident to the British Public for some months past, that the “Civil Servants of the Crown,” (with which mouth- filling title Government clerks eke out their seanty emoluments,) have acquired an “organ” of their own—an organ, too, with a trumpet stop of such peculiar power as te tempt the performers to a frequent use of it. Of this organ, however, the British public would probably not be cognisant were it not that certain hebdomadal paragraphs, purporting to contain the intelligence of vacancies and appointments in Government offices, are rather greedily appropriated by its con- temporaries. From these the public may learn how T. Percy Jones, Deputy Assistant Tidewaiter, has at length been overtaken by “ that tide in the affairs of men” for which he has so long been waiting, and which has now taken him Assistant Tidewaiter. Thence we learn too (under the head of Customs) that there are as many “classes of elerks for general business in | London,” as there were cireles in Dawre’s /ferno—and we may trace | 13,676 juniors go over them | nine hours, in

the p , painful and slow, of many Browns and Greens towards the viddy heights of first class and £300 per annum. It is not generally known, and Mr. Punch rather prides himself upon the discovery, that the he announcements ef vacant appoint- ments are co by contumacious “Civil Servants,” who well know what trouble will thence ensue to the ehiefs of their several departments. But though not generally known, this will be generally ney when tah is ton the _ ——— that there was a vacancy for a t class probationary clerk in the Subsorting depart- ment of the General Post Office, no less than 394 country eurates (whose united families ised 4855 persons), 478 widows (whose united incomes amounted to £8567 13¢. 44¢.), and 832 lieutenants in the Navy (who had served in the aggregate 4296 years, and had seen ’ ), Wrote urgently to entreat Lonp Canine to bestow the ane on one who would never give him reason to repent of the he had shown to a distressed,” &c.&c. Some | idea of the labours of his Lordship’s private secretary may be o— i} poli from the fact that he was oceupied for three months, eight da: these applications, and that he wrote 171 te notes setting forth that, “ Unfortunately the appointment had been filled up six days before the notice of the vacancy had appeared in the public prinés, and that indeed, as a rule, such valuable appointments were not given away to the Public, but were reserved exclusively for the eldest sons of such meritoriows Civil servants as bad been more than 50 years in their respective posts.” Now Mr. Punch, who has designs of his own upon the Civil service, peruses these week! announcements with the greatest attention, and very much st was-he to read a few days since the following startling notice : “The appointment of Postmaster of Bath is vacant, caused by the death of Mu, Muscrave; #400 per annum, vice Surru, in the gift of the Postmaster General.’ As far as the word “ Musenave ” the sentence was sufficiently clear, -_ ee tare ys 7k meen its mystery. Does slavery exist in P t! ‘ost- master General a serf named Smit, whom he can at pleasure like any other chattel? Who of all the Surris? But, No! that way lay. Mr. Punch could not pursue that inquiry. Still, how- ever, there were the ——— ‘£400 per annum vice Surru, in the gift of the Postmaster eral.” Of course if he Were free to choose, Mr. Punch would take £400 per annum vice Sutra, but how the Postmaster General could be so mad as to aioli Shee » i j icting thoughts et gr a sleepless night, and on the morrow in his extreme wrath a had so perplexed him, he reverted to the words “ by the death of Mu. Musenavz,” and exclaimed : “T'd give the lands of Deloraine Sed eccuave were alive again.’

Not Bad, Hay? A Gattayt and discontented ornament of Hen Masesty’s naval service transmits to us the following recipe for preventing burglary. Tnscribe on your door plate, and under your name, the words “ Naval Half-pay Lieutenant.” The severity of the satire is, so far as we are concerned, slightly alleviated by our not in the least understandin what it means, but we trust that the First Lord of the Admiralty will feel himself duly scarified. }

THE CZzAhk’s COUSINS GERMAN. Ir appears that the Czar has no end of German cousins. Every day brings forth some fresh proof of the enormity of his cozenage. } on the flood and borne him on to be an} THE WAR IN PARIS. % ONSIDERING that the allies have not therto been vi active at the Theatre of War, French troops have been tolerably busy at the res of Paris, and a consider able force is oceupied three or four | |

this time have seen the curtain ready to be pays brilliant tableau, in which Russia would have been @ effectually quashed Ang spurs of the Gallie Game Cock ang the tlaws of the British The Stage of Silistria is at the and effect that we doubt the real i alf s0 good Be = and it is te we have @ in the ean compare ~ — long Binok beards, whieh strikes hte the ippodrome. In order to as as npumanted by at Uecaes allies not think it beneath their dignity to take part in the “scenes in the circle,” under the guidance of some Parisian Wippicoms. We understand that several gallant {soldiers of high rank take in the mimie Siege of Silistria— an arrangement which could not copied among ourselves, for we can imagine Lonp KaGLaNn ards and forwards on Astley’s stage, or H. R. H. the Duce or Campantnge dashing up a platform on his richly i inviting six mounted supernumeraries to follow him through the upper entrance O. P. side | to death or victory. We think our French neighbours are a little premature in converting | Silistria already into a stage ; although the events now passing will hereafter be read in those pages of history—the | Astley's play billsa—we think the War with ia is not yet quite ripe for the pen of the dramatist or the riding whip of Wippicomn, the undying one.

CARDINAL VIRTUES IN A HAT. Iw an ‘aecount recently of the death of Canprwat Mas, we are told that “the Cardinal owed his hat to the high position which he had aequired | im the learned world.” Considering that a Cardinal is almost as con- |spicuous for his red legs as his headdress , we do not see why any | particular reference should be made to ye ati — are we not | informed to what he owes his stockings ? eo to all affectations in phraseology, and we therefore enter our protest against the nae | sion above quoted. If poor old Buieriess were to die, we should he | greatly irritated if his biographer were to tell us that “ he owed his wig |to the Benchers who called him to the Bar,” or that “he owed his gown to the liberality of his robe-maker, had never received—or sued him for—a farthing of the money.” fact is that Canprnar Mar did not owe his hat, or the price of his hat, to anybody but his ‘hatter. His elevation to the rank of Cardinal may have been owing to his “ position in the learned world,” but to confound his hat with his rank is to allow the former to get a-head of the latter in a manner we cannot approve.

A Wishy-washy Joke. Tux Australian steamer Creswe having been laid up at Sydney with a leak, we beg leave to suggest that her name should be forthwith changed to the Water Crwsus,

HINT TO RUSSIAN SERFS. Tae Tave Car or Lisenty.—The Percussion Oap. 4 +L, men at the to the siege, the troops

of the cam » the Rus sians now be li the dust of Cronstadt as completely as they are now ing the sand of the gs barrier of Paris. = i. * #0 essentially a =<——s = theatrical they require a movements in the field, as well as for their a the footlights. If | Mons. Re had been sent out to the with a sufficient staff of mattres de and directors of the mise en #@®me, we should by with such splendour

ne ry db GRIM ce ee

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' sense “for” Ma. G. V. Brooke “as a Man,” except that having | e a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE ULTRAMONTANE CRAB. (Lines for an Inscription on a Tablet.) Let us go back ; renounce the senses quite : And altogether cease to place reliance On reason, save as guided by the light Of faith : let us abjure all human science, set all facts, Rome, at mere defiance. The earth stands still; it is the sun that moves ; Astronomy is only a delusion ; We therefore will not credit what it proves, For both the premises; and the conclusion, Are forged by demons, for our souls’ confusion. The powers of steam and electricity, So-called, are diabolic emanations ; And ail the curious arts of chemistry Are, in effect, so many incantations, Of sorcery the modern applications, Tlie stars are lamps suspended from the sky, To light this world, placed there for that alone ; A solid is the blue expanse on high, Flat is this earth which we exist upon, Antipodes beneath us there are none. None, but the Prince of Darkness, and his crew, Newton aud GatiLeo who include, Paiesriey, and Wottaston, and Davr too, Who will be joined by all the wicked brood Of your philosophers, that men delude. Let us go back ; consistent let us be : All their discoveries outright deny As magic frauds: and what we plainly see, Flatly maintain to be an utter lie: And—when we’re able—all gainsayers fry. — —_— P L - 7 = 4 “ ” + 9a THE ENTENTE CORDIALE' IN A CIGAR-BOX. “YOUTH AT THE PROW, AND PLEASURE AT THE HELM.” | smoked cigars together. If the honourable plain- dealing of our noble Prince were not known so well, he migitt “Tar Harry Park THEN STARTED FOR THE ConTINENT, via FoLKzsTovz, almost. be suspected of going over to France purposely TO SPEND THE HoxgYyMooy.” “to smoke an Emperor.” THE BROOKE TESTIMONIAL. | LEFT-OFF CLOTHES FOR AUSTRALIA!! A crrcutar, signed “Jonn Fuwnxs,” or some such name, has 4 very day advertisements may be seen Vy pan __ in the papers, commencing with the j words at the head of this article. Australia would seem to ‘be in want of a sort of Rag Pair, at which worn- out wearing apparel may be obtain- able. This is perhaps on account of the new Constitution, which proposes to adopt an aristocracy, and some other of our old habits. . The adver- tisements to which we allude make special mention of “ Regimentals and Court Suits,” as.if it were m contem- plation to establish in the: Colonies second-hand Court costumes, to be followed by second-hand Courtiers in second-hand Court dresses, and other seedy finery. It does not say much for the cause of in Anstralia that there should be a large demand forwarded to Mr. Punch. It is dated from New Street, Birmingham, and it “earnestly solicits ” the recipient’s “ sabscription and influence, | made payable by cross check or otherwise,” to a fund for the purpose | of presenting “the above Eminent Actor with an appropriate memento | [6% of the high sense entertained for him as a Man and an Actor.” | To a printed. circular, Mr. Punch begs to answer im print, as follows :— Ist. That he does not know how to make his influence payable by cross check or otherwise. ‘ ft 2ndly. That he has a general contempt for the whole Testimonial | system, and a special contempt for the system of canvassing in order to get up a Testimonial. a 3rdly. That he has never enjoyed an opportunity of entertaining any | viewed Mr. Brooxe from the front of several theatres, Mr. Punc considers him a reasonably good-looking “ Man,” and one who makes up extremely well for the stage. _ ; 4tily. That he does not entertain a high sense “for” Mz. Brooks | as an Actor. : for the left-off liveries of our Courtiers, Sthly. That from the above premises, Mr. Jonw Fuxxks may draw| who are offered the “best price” for their trappings, by the Messas. his own coticlusion, which is about all that, in his capacity of canvasser | [5,,cs and Mr. and Mus. Levy. ' We had hoped better for the for “the Brooke Testimonial,” he is likely to draw out of Mr. Punch. | colonies than the attempted establishment ‘of ‘a “Holywell Street . Court at Sydney or Melbourne, supplied with dresses by the ordi- —= = ——— | nary costumiers of Drary Lane Masked Balls and Vauxhall Fancy Féte Down on Disraeli. | Ge . a Tre Orangemen of Down have requested Mr. Disrartt to be their | | jeader; and further, at the shortest notice begged him to act for them Espouse rx Haste, axp Rerent at Letswre.—The worst kind of the part of Moses. Mx. Drsrazui has returned a very benign answer, | espousal, is when you espouse another yosen's quarrel—and still but it is plain from his response, that he is not at present prepared to| worse, when it is the quarrel of a couple you are espousing. double the character of Mosgs, seeing there is just now such uncertainty | ‘lo get divorced from an espousal of the latter nature, it 1s decidedly | about the Prophets. | two to one but you will have to pay most dearly for it. ) \ wiasnibaemmeameasgiiepiemeesemeameneecnn eee Louis Naproteow and Prixce AtBert are said to have | Printed by William Bradbury, of No. La, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras. and Frederick “ullett Evans, of 0. 27 ‘ in the County of Mide 1, Printers, at their Office im Lombard Sweet, in the Precinct eq WLitctria:», im the Chy of Lemecn ,.ad Published by them at No. 8 the City of Lendon.—Sarvapat, September W, 1%54, Fleet Street im the Parish z, ia 8 i Westminster, both Victoria Street, in the Parish of St. Margaret and St. Joba, — ‘.

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ee ——— There are sixty Jhousand soldiers—and Sebastopol to win ! A TALE OF THE DOG DAYS. “Tr is not perhaps generally known ”—as the y-a- about to furnish a shi worth of the very stalest news—that there exists in London a regular body of professional dog-stealers. The members of the fraternity are understood to keep a Seere- tary to conduct their corres- pondence, as well as a large tanning establishment, to pre- pare for the leather market the hides of such animals as are not ransomed by their owners. The dog stealers recently took a savage way to work on the fears of an old lady whose pet had fallen | into the hands of “ the trade,” | and who had shown some! reluctance to lay down the sum of eight pounds, which had been | demanded as the price for the restoration of the favourite. The owner of the delicate animal received one morning by post the tips of her dog’s ears, with an intimation that the entire animal would be forwarded to her by post in the same minute instalments unless the | money was forthcoming, and that on the next day the parties who sent the letter proposed to drink each other’s health in a cup of dog’s nose. Rather than submit to the infliction of these homeopathic doses of anguish composed of infinitesimal morsels of her lost favourite, the} y at once sent the sum demanded, and received her dog, minus the tips of his ears on the day following. A BROADSIDE FROM THE BLACK SEA. I. THE EMBARKATION. We know what hopes went with them, from either side the sea— The flower of France and England—our Western chivalry— Into their hands we gave our strength—believing that the trust Was destined soon to be redeemed—with sword and bayonet thrust. They sailed—our prayers rose after them—a fair wind sped them on ; Day by day we looked for tidings of battles fought and won ; liners say, when t Fines We heard of halts—of landings—of camps—reviews—and ali Save only news of battle, till our high hopes ’gan to fall— And we murmured—and they murmured—for they across the foam, Knew well what was expected by the good folks here at home ; And under suamer canvass high hearts did fret and fume, Till defiance grew disquiet, glee gave place to gloom. And all the more for that while they lay idle by the shore, The Turk all singlehanded plucked the laurels of the war ; And Silistria’s b leaguer, on earth-work and in foss, Showed the conquering Crescent gleaming, where we looked to see the Cross. At last came news of battle—but not of man with man; The Plague it was the enemy—that smote them rear and van; Who ean resist the Pestilence that rides upon the air ? Axtd chooseth, at its will, whom to smite and whom to spare ? Death was busy in the daytime, was busy through the dark ; They that lay > cot hale and healthy, by the dawn were stiff and stark, And France and England in dismay looked on and could not save ; glory brought no laurels to deck the soidiers’ grave. Like a grim, gaunt lion in his lair by sickness stricken low, That feels his strength from him—and his leaping blood wax slow, So lay the French and English on Aladyn’s green plain, While the fierce sun blazed above their heads—and rose and set again. When sudden came the trumpet-call, and straightway like a charm, Dull eyes grew bright, and strength was put in many a nerveless arm ; | And life chased death from out the camp—and streaming to the shore, | The French and English legions stood to their arms once more. | Six hundred t floated to hear them to the foe— | | Transports And the great ships, round about them, their iron teeth did show. Sorrow and sickness were flung off, as a serpent casts his skin,— |a Law-Suit our fears are generally for the worst, whereas with a Love- | Suit our hopes are always for the best. } PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 133 IL THE LANDING. "Neath the lee of Serpent's Island, they have mustered one and all — Ships of the line and frigates and steamers t and small ; Near twice three hundred transports at their moorings fall and rise With sixty thousand gallant hearts—a-fire for high emprise. The fly out !—a rending shout !—and lo, upon its way, That aoa mass is moving o’er Kalamita’s * As on they pass, both eye and glass are s' ing all the coast— But all is still, on steppe and hill: where is ussian host ? Shoal-water now—from every bow hark to the cable’s clank ! Down from the davits swing the boats—still filling—rank on rank. Then from eaeh hull with even pull, three yards ’twixt oar and oar, Silent and strong they surge along, till the stems grate on the shore. And still they land—along the strand close forming as they come, Close girt for strife: ne’er a scream of fife: ne’er a roll of the throb- rum. On shore or height no foe in sight! Behind his wal!s he cowers. Now forward—France and England—and Sebastopol is ours ! THE NEW POLICE IN PARIS. _ As our French neighbours intend introducing the new police in Paris, it will be desirable that we should supply a translation ode few of those terms to which the institution has given rise in this country. Ot course there will be a new vocab’ daily growing up in Paris, just as there has grown up in London a complete dictionary of words which were never dreamed of in any other shilceeshe but that of the hoys and blackguards—too often synonymous—of our great metropolis. We have only to suggest, however, a few words by way of commencement to those young beginners in the art of slang, who may be expected to “chaff” the Parisian policeman in the execution of his duty, That they will be called “‘ Bobbies” is perhaps not unreasonable to expect, and the word “ Robert ” being the same in lish and in French, the sobriquet is very likely to be adopted. The playfully disposed gamin will perhaps salute the ears of the new Paris policeman with the words “Oh! Robert, toi qui 7 aime!” which will be equivalent to the ery from our own native street urchin, of “Oh, Bobby! don’t I love you!” Some may apply to the new French constable the powerful term Ecraseur as an equivalent to our rather expressive “ crusher,” and the still stronger word Zcorceur may correspond to the denomination of Peeler, with which our street juveniles favour the ambulant preserver of public order. We congratulate our neighbours on this new institution, which could not have had a more appropriate founder than the present Emperor, who was a special omeialia in London in 1848, and has had the duties as well as the staff. of a policeman at his fingers’ ends, and has been ready to perform his appointed task, whether in capturing a burglar or taking charge of an old woman for being “ drunk and incapable,” COPIOUS BLEEDING. rary) a Cartarw Hersuam, of Kil- enny, wrote a letter of sympathy to Coronet Gannett, wherein he makes the following declaration :— “ As a descendant of those who fought and fell in olden times at Cressy and Fontenoy, and whose family blood saturated the plains of Waterloo and India, had I « son who would follow in the footateps of his ancestors, I don't know any regiment in linn Maseery's service | would more willingly confide the care of that ehild to, than I would to you and the officers under your | command,” How very numerous as well as ancient must have been the Hetsuams to have saturated not only the plain of Waterloo, but also the plains of Indi with the contents of their arteries and veins! What oceans of blood | jmust they have shed for their county. te impregnate all those t extensive tracts of land with so much of fluid that no more of it could be received or imbibed! Surely the exploits of Cartars Hex- SHAM’s ancestors wil! never be ye even by his friend, Cartaiy Gazxett, and the officers of the oblivious 46th. Difference between Two Suits. Tene is this difference between a Law- and a Love-Suit—that with VOL. XXVII. r ast week (according to an Irish contem- a.” =

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See Toe | of the Theatre will, it is = be very expensive; and if the company | 134 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE IRON AGE OF THEATRICALS, AGRICULTURAL REVELS. E see that an Iron Theatre| Tue Northampton Herald reports, that at the late meeting of the is about to be expogted to | Northamptonshire Agricultural Association, Mr. Sfarvomp, in pro- Australia. We suppose | posing the health of “The Agricultural Labourers of Emgland,” made the appointments that | the fi ing candid remarks :— accompany the building «The labourer asked as much for his laboar as he could get for it, and the employer w orres that labour for as small a sum as he could. That was a bard bargain pn gp t the in which there was no question of feeling cherished, but simply a transaction of com- 2, : actors—or at least the drank to the prosperity of the agricultural labourer.” principal tragedian—will ‘ ; , he a gentleman with iron| Accordimg to the journal just quoted, the toast was received with lungs, adapted to a hard | loud cheers; the reporter, however, does not state that it was succeeded style of acting. We) by a song, with the appropriate title of would suggest that on DRINK THE LABOURER! the opening sient the | company sing AL? Dri . det ‘ . eae _e ; rink the labourer; drink the swain, idea di quel metallo in addition to the National Anthem. The freight ee oles , ee rep our guia, ed | ° : Rear our oxen, sh and swine. and the pieces are exported with it, the cost will be ruinous; for ms , DP. supposing the dramas to be estimated as dead weight they would be | By whose means we've got this wine. sufficient to sink the ship, while the actors, if taken as measurement | Drink him: and observe that he goods, must be estimated at the very highest figure if they are allowed | Should be drunk with three times three, to rate their magnitude by their own standard. Of the labourer’s hire a sign, Meaning weekly shillings nine. | — | Drink him ; in a sense ’tis true PROGRESS OF WOMAN. | Pen we slastutcly dos. Tue softness of the softer sex is sometimes excessive, not only in That, whereby bp See him short, respect of heart and head, bat also of general bodily constitution. be Forms a portion of our port. skin is so soft that it is y ev impression ; the chest, t , digestive apparatus, are equally Pa Br: 8 and this feeble and sickly — Son ams - the ee R condition of system is termed, in genteel slang, “ delicate.” Delicacy Drink him: ney you must do 60 in ideas, delicacy in complexion, delicacy in thought, word, and action, | ° If you drink his health or zo constitute the charm woman ; but there is nothing charming im a} . : . weak stomach, and a tendency to catarrh, and a disposition to faint on | the least exertion. Infirmities like these can never render her an object of interest to any rational man but a medical one. We turn with pity and distaste from the poor creature afflicted with them to the | contemplation of such a feminine phenomenon as that of which an idea | is suggested by the following paragraph from the Bristol Mirror:— | “PFemace Peoeeretasien.— Mas. Duwyn, the Bloomer Pedestrian, accomplished her | task of walking 1,000 half-miles, in 1,000 saecessive half hours, om Saturday morning ; | Fill your glasses to the brim Like your garners, filled by him. Drain your bumpers, every sup, As you use the bumpkin up. Drink him, farmers, in your wealth, Shall we say we drink his health ? Yes; for toil and seanty fare and so little distressed was she by the feat that she i diately ced another Do the labourer’s healt impair. task of walking 100 quarter-miles in 160 quarter-hours, which she completed in due — time.” . , ? | Drink his health; but, as we do, We do not mean to say that we should like the practice of walking | Let him drink his own health too, for wagers to become fashionable amongst ladies; if they are to be Health, imbibed with wholesome beer, Pets and Wonders, let them be sueh in virtue of their endearing and | Lest we drink it all out here. admirable qualities, and not by getting over so much ground in a stated time, and picking up a given number of pebbles with their mouths; 5 | which were not made for that purpose. The better half of humanity { ZF uti | are useful. They set an example to, and exert a wholesome influence ' do pedestrian feats and to wear pantaloons. But Mas. Dowwe teaches | the more he cares for her. Sighings, yawnings, moans, and groans, to was meant for other matches than pedestrian. But neither is it desirable : y$ that all men should be athletic performers. Both in one sex and the ed Le other, however, a few professors of nimbleness, and muscular agility, | : on the rest. We don’t want the wives and daughters of England to them one fact ; namely, that a woman can walk. ‘This is denied by some, and with a show of reason. Women do not in general walk ; only amble along, or pace to and fro, with the sort of craw! called “ promenade.” Whatever may be the quali- ties of the female heart, that organ cannot possess the power tocarry on the circulation properly, if its proprietress takes no more exereise than this. Hence the need of nurses, elem medicines, and changes of air without end, entailing embarrassment, distraction, and often ruin; at | any rate causing the expenditure, to avert misery, of money that might have served to purchase pure enjoyment. In any case, an ailing wife is a torment to herself and her busband, and the greater torment to him say nothing of fits, are the a¢companiments of indisposition; accom- | niments not melodious, nor tending to increase domestic harmony. hen, how much more a husband might enjoy of his wife’s society, if she had the adequate use of her legs! Why should man be doomed to take his constitutional alone ? Why must every family excursion cost poor Paterfamilias more than it is worth by eversomuch, that would perhaps have bought new dresses ?—simply because most womankind can go nowhere without being conveyed. Mas. Duwwe shows her sex what they might do; and — ut going her y= regards exercise,|- ===” 2 or her brevities as regards dress, they might so far take an example | dinary Reserve. from the active Bloomer, as to derive a great aecession of brilliancy, as | rte ror il, |) | | ’ } ‘ ( Rant: = well as increase of duration to their own bloom. P | A Puserrre Brsuor, who fills up his leisure time with little dabs of literature, has put at the bottom of his last work “the Author reserves Rervauicanism.—A “ Sovereign ” contempt. translated / There never was such reserve. . to himself the right of translation.” A Bishop hesitating about being and barter; but undeterred by that severe bargain, the agriculfurists still i,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 135

| IN AMERICA HAS AN ENGLISHMAN PROPERTY IN HIS OWN NOSE? | ost certainly not. There can be no doubt that, analogically reasoned upon the principles laid down by itizen Capey, the great trans- atlantic political economist, an Englishman’s nose in the States, is in nO Mager a man’s property. In a word, a British nose in America is outside of all ownership. Citizen Caney is a man doubt- less held in most deserving honour, his fellow-citizens. Phis fact course implies that he is smart as gifted. genius for annexation. The magpie might be Citizen Carpy’s erest, even as the secretive genius of the bird seems to guide his qui eak, conscientious citizens have been moved by doubts of the honesty and fuir-dealing shown to British authors by American booksellers without the outlay of a dollar, have annexed the author's works. Take good heart, ye timid ones, and rob at ; authors have no rights, Citizen Carey has proved the hollowness, the emptiness of the author’s pretension, playing upon it like any drum. In fect the author has no claim to his book, because he never had any property in it; he has | worked up common stock. Take the easel case of a silk-worm. The worm, to be sure, produces silk; but by what means? The worm must the green leaf

worm, who feeds his brain upon the common —humaa hearts and human doings, and such matters, im whieh there is no propert whatever—and being fed his fill, sets himself to work and spins eet his book? If aman could write a book in the exhausted receiver of an air. ight have some smail claim to a portion of the work ; but writmg with the view and enjoyment of all the world about him, he takes from everything, and so taking acquires no property. For imstance, when Tasso—for want of the midnight taper—wrote his verses by the light of his cat's we should like to know—and perhaps Citizen Carey will some day benevolently resolve the question —how much of the verse was due to the cat, and how much to Tasso’s awn Muse ? “The man who makes a book,” writes Citizen Canny, “ uses the common property of mankind, and all he furnishes is the workmanship. Society permits him to use its property, but it is on condition that after a certain time, the whole shall become a part of the common stock.” What is the /iad but a certain apposition of all the letters of the alphabet ; and Greek cowherds had as much right to the alphabet as fess, even aiter Homen’s use of it. The thing is plain as A BC. Sir Wattzer Scorr had no property in his novels; because he had | tilled his mind with facts preserved. He had eaten mulberry leaves, and it was his business to uce silk! “ So again with Ma. Dickens. Read his Bleak House, on you will find that he has been a most careful observer of men and things, and has merely been enabled to collect a great number of facts that he has dressed up in different forms; but that is all he has done.” Dizi¢ Caney! The Court of Chancery over- rules the printed suit. The book is not allowed by the Great eal. A man may have divinest brains in his head, but if they deal with legal horsehair, the wig is the original claimant of all accruing ts. A stockbroker, guilelessly labouring on "Change, does not meekly | make a huge fortune by the i and capacities of men, and the common ion of the electric wires; therefore, when Bananpas lays out his half million or so on the fattest slice of a county, that slice remains to him and his heirs for ever ; never, never becoming “ a part af the common stock.” Bat it is logically otherwise with authors. There was a common stock of jealousy in the world before the birth of Suaxsreanz. What ing. What property, then, in Romeo and Juliet 7 Can Mitton have any copyright in Sin and Death ? | The Covenanters were known before the Scotch novels. And even before the days of Fagan, were there not American booksellers ? Ma. Canrgy convinced us; but he strengthens his argument England permits the author to go ; may take his skin. If England strips, surely America may The weight of Ma. Caner’s name will, doubtless, for a time keep own all agitation of Batish subject has no property in own be neither has he an Prwerty soever in his nose. PH} ty yp hey dy D e has plainly a great | “ Patience,” the Eastern apothegm, “and the | mulberry leaf becometh satin” “Now what is your author but a a copyrighi, then, has he in Othello? Men and women died for love | against the British author by the fact that he is held and treated as a) ragamuffin and a pauper by his own beloved England. Thus, if naked, for such nude reason | copyright. At the same time that a

| and renewed ? It is proved that by gradual waste and gradual renewal! a man gets an entirely new nose every seven years, And how does he | get it? Why from the common stock of elementary matter lying around him. His nose is not his private nose, but a nose gradually built up by the common influences incessantly at work. And, re- |forted with this conviction, that an American bookseller has every right to take to himself an English author’s book,—with this supple- mentary privilege; a further moral and physical right, should the author complain of the theft, there and then, and without the least mercy or remorse, to pull the author’s nose. = — ———_ ___ — A WITLER’S QUESTION. Tue great outs now agitating many bars—convulsing many but confounding many tap-rooms, is this. It is well to civilized Europe, that, for the last month, the gigantic, many- sided author of The Great Taptubopolis has been taking his yearly wanderings. He was last seen—his shadow flung upon the moonlight —ascending pam Sane | the side of Mount Ararat; and it is said has possessed himself of the foesil remains of a monkey, with a collar marked N. ©. A., with the very imperfect remains of an H. as detected through speculative spectacles. Our author may be hourly expected at the Mermaid-and-Cork-Jacket, There was a thrill of hope that he might arrive on Sunday, between the hours of two and five, when the great stion—still throbbing in witlers’ bosoms—was, is he, the author af The Great Taptubopolis, even with a carpet-bag in his hand, and iring from Ararat, is-even he to be considered a traveller? With the strong sense of impartiality that has ever ani mated the feelings and works of our author, it is believed that he will not hesitate to deeide against himself in the negative. == <<

A DRY SUBJECT. We were sorry to see a paragraph in the Morning Herald, stating that a stoppage had occurred in many of the canals throughout the country, partly from the growth of an obstructive water weed ; partly from a deficieney in the supply of water. We trust some means wil! be found for removing the weed ; but the only remedy for the deficient | water-supply that we see, is at present in mudibus. Should it descend from the clouds in copious rain, the showers will have to be very heavy to afford the needful quantity of water, whereof the decrease has been doubtless occasioned by the spread of teetotal principles, which, if they go on extending, will ultimately occasion every well to be exhausted, and every river in the country (except the nasty Thames) to be drunk The Outraged 46th, Mason Bomusuert (for he enclosed his eard) has written to the Morntny Heraid awakening indignant attention to the abuse of the Times of the 46th. Why is there not a Court-martial? Why should not Printiog-House Square be given up to the outraged, gallant fellows, who would make the seribblers of the Times swallow their own enve- nomed iron quills, and wash down those hireling stilettos with their own leprous ink ? Mars. Gamp, however, does not advise strong measures; but rather counsels Mason Bomusnent to raise himself above the slander ; to which effect, she has kindly offered the Major the loan of her pattens. The Military Harvest. Ir will be a late antumnal harvest this year. However, wait awhile when the harvest is gathered in, you will see that the crops will be most ubundant. Glory does not shoot in a day—espegially when it has walls like Sebastopol to shoot against.

LONDON UNDER LUNAR INFLUENCE, Te approaching reign of the Lory Mayor Elect is looked forward i i People wonder |to with curiosity, not unmingled with appre |what will become of the Civic intellect Moon. WISEMAN’S CORRECTIONS OF THE BRITISH PRESS. | Canvrvat Wiseman, from his desire to put a censorship on the English press, is only betraying a secret wish to change all our printers’ cases into so many ecelesiastical founts of Roman type. A adietiaincihianagginjitiatnti Orren Wastep, Raney Fourp.—Next to a Policeman, there is nothing so absent as Presence of Mind,

flecting on the masterly logic of Citizen Cangy, we are finally com- | hension, under the dominion of the |

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Tc TS At ie te THE ROUND. HAT, LADEN WITH NOVELS, IN A STORM. Ancient Mariner. “ Yloup ox a Bit, Miss—I’tt Tow you orr—You suovutp sever Caray so mucn Sam iv a Sou-Wester! . : asia - ies f English provide for us, that is, according to the knowledge they possess. RUSSIAN PRISONERS AND RUSSIAN Their de is another thing from the foul, coarse mess of our barrack JOURNALISTS tubs, and their bread is as white as thy shoulders. Fruit and other JOURNALISTS. things are given us in abundance, but they have no pumpkins, nor | . ‘ ‘ pickled cucumber, and their drinks—except brandy—are tasteless Auexis Oupcrovitcn, private in the Russian army, and prisoner at | compared to ours. But a man can, with patience, get very drunk upon Sheerness, to the olject of his affections at St. Petersburg. English beer and spirits, and thy Atexis is learning to like them, and must not complain. ruty, my Tecxta, hast thou cause to| “The officers are treated well, but the English have much to learn. | thank the saints that put it into the They lack reverence. They do not understand that an officer is a being | heart of the priest Disrrri to teach me | incaleulably superior to the private soldier, inasmuch as he is nearer | writing. For thou wilt hear for thy-| our Father the Emperor, and reflects his radiance. When we bow self of the condition of thy ALexis, | with abject humility, | see they pity us, . And in their own army I find and the silver moonshine of comfort | that there is strange condescension. When a common soldier salutes shall rain upon thy soul. I send thee | his officer, the salute is returned. There are other singular things. a thousand kisses. Down upon thy Some officers of England have newly been tried by court-martial. knees, O:Tecxxa, and bless the name | English civilians have presumed to be offended at the verdict, and have | of our holy Father and Emperor. For | publicly sent large sums of money to a young officer, because they he is the best and the wisest of men, | thought him wronged. Such insolent interference with one’s superiors and I owe him eternal thankfulness for | is unknown in our happy land. The knout would be the fitting reward warring with the accursed infidel Mos- | of it, were it seen. y master is a rich merchant, and his house is lem, and stirring up such quarrels as full of golden furniture and pictures, and the wealthiest feed at his _ have ended in thy ALexts being brought | table. Yet fancy that worthy Rackamorr darimg to send a ay toa prisoner to Eng’ I bitterly repent | soldier because he had been ill-used. Thou wouldest speedily comb me that I did not congocient his| Mapawe Racxamorr’s brown curls in Siberia, my Tecx1a, if our fatherly care over me on the day when | Father left her any curls to comb. our regiment was or to Bomar-| “The people behave kindly to us, and as thy Axexts is a handsome sund, and that I did break out in _ man, with smiling face, the women look at him, and present him with curses. We marched on the very | tokens of their admiration, as great pieces of cheese, apples, and cakes, Ponidilnik that had been fixed for thy | which nevertheless they call nuts, and which stick mightily about the , wedding and mine, dear girl. It was all for the best. Next to being| teeth. But be not jealous, my Teckia. Many of the maidens have | with thee, no better place on earth could have been found for me than | blue eyes, but none of them are so blue as thine, and if I gaze into then this. Out of the way of all harm, and daily faring jike a merchant of long and deeply, it is only that at last (when the owners are gone) [ the First Guild, daily do I ery, ‘Heaven preserve the Emrerom’ and | may say that there is a brighter pair sparkling for me on the quayof if he in his wisdom desires it, may the war last twenty am. the Neva; if I hold their hands, it is but that I may think how mach “Thy master has not a better table spread than that which these | softer are thine; if we dance together it is but that I may compare heir ‘HON 1d] ‘169 ‘ON (PSST ‘2 watoL9G Ove a “988nIT aMpowrY

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movements with thine own, The same remark applies to any other! One thins O Tanun may pay — a girls. , , , THE SIDEREAL DIRECTORY OF THE BRITISH 7 thing, ECKLA. VaN yWNIN, valet to thy master, | ape is a thief and a rascal. He is utterly unworthy of thee. 1| hope that ASSOCIATION. thou dost give him noeneouragement. I beat him on theevening wecame — ,

away, that he might remember thou wert mine, but the beast is of a == ey ug _ VE8B0py knows that the Council of poe Li and might pay court to thee out of malice. If [vaw|) © SARRN a the British Association have long dares do this, Tecxia, I command thee, by my authority, to thrust Se =. been actively engaged in the pre- | into his faeethe red-hot iron of the tea-urn, and if he complains, tell paration of a Sidereal Directory, and that they have managed to the steward to go to the Jew, Reusen Askorr, and demand where are - ihe femal the silver backs of certain hair brushes of thy master’s. I[vaw will trouble thee no more after the steward brings back the answer. Be 8,000 stars. mi Zi | faithful to me, O Teck, or when I return to Russia dread a husband’s It is obvious, that could implicit Meantime, I send thee a thousand kisses. be on such addresse relianee “To-morrow, our officers are to be taken out to sea, for upon a sand, the ‘ion woul where is a Light ship, built after the model of the ark, and calied by the have much better reasons, than name of Noau, is to be some sport for their amusement. I do not Viner oe puonet, for saying know what it is, but there is an insect that squeaks upon the hearths | sie iter ad The last report which bears its name. The stoves here are of a foolish and barbarous -——-~~——————— from the Couneil, however, compels construction, and nearly all the heat goes up the chimney, instead of _ . ; 4 us to conclude that mo such cer- warming the — The English — a bigoted about ane Stam tainty has been attained, for it states— | customs, and under the doctor’s order thy Avexis has washed himself) « yany of the Northern circumpolar stars have bees ohesrved: and their —— ee one is only Thursday, but I have not as yet positions have heen fined amordingiy.” a, | im th t , ; ‘ . 7 4 | “f offer my loving duty to thy excellent master, to the mistress, and! 4/4 manifest allusion to the gathering of contributors to Slackwood’s | to the household, and I pray that thy mistress will read this to thee, | —~ et a , | and write to me from thee, and also that thou wilt not fail to burm the then lee ther cad it i my my Ew | face of [vax Gotowwns, or to leave the red-hot iron in his chair,as may ‘"°Y . taken cgrecs, S sa euppess ar be most convenient positions could in any way be fixed or determined b . “Thy loving on that memorable occasion. Penetrated with truth the B. A. , rg Poy ite _.» have determined to do their work anew, and have resolved to issue Shee » England. ALEexis OLDCLOVITCH. \cireular to eaeh star, calling upon him to furnish all the necessary Sept. 43, 1554. information respecting himself under the following heads :— From the Journal of St. Petersburg. on: ~ 9 —_ in ony — a 1 + “We have been favoured by M. Rackamorv, an eminent merchant | ead each star will have t ness to state the name by | of this = with the sieht 2 a letter written by a private soldier to | a Ss S See he » old : on an oe ae | # young female serf be to Mapame Rackamorr. The soldier | Arabians or Romans the B. A. will require oF oma expla Fs | is a prisoner to the English savages. His letter, which is written with | true military zaiveté, affords irrefragable evidence of the brutality with nations from him before ,his claim to be registered as a star can have fallen into their hands. They force upon the unfortunate soldier -444ress.—Here must be stated the star’s right ascension at the time | food of an utterly different character from that to which he has been of his filling wp the circular, and, to ensure‘uniformity, it is par- accustomed, and insist on his washing it down with the most wretched ticularly requested that all the stars will observe Greenwich and debasing liquors. The poor fellows are made spectacles to the | time. population, » whe Sins = ec _ apples, a = animals | a a —U — this 4" the 5 tty mee hs | Ma cage, an poor ALEXIs, who seems a modest and virtnous, as stated. If a shooting star, his game li must exhibi | well -as spirited ty al young Biow, es — compen Ge Go! Here, tone may “ay New -o€, mali . . e of 2 eee women, w we no ieacy w ver, stare him out o aspect, i e a “ bri i star,” if he be i it countenance, and mock his misery by invitations to him to dance. The | of still quae t ial cherubim,” a treatment of the officers is still more disgraceful. We happen to know) yodical or Surgical Offices held by him.—The information to be given that they are allowed but two roubles a day (except when married, under this head is prineipally required by ZapareL, who has and then three are given) to provide themselves with everything. A ng undertaken to bear part of the expense of postage for the B.A. ' | | . | which these ferocious islanders treat the handful of gallant men who be admitted. ' man and his wife are expected to live on twelve ‘shillings’ a day ! True, he would have but three in Russia, but then he would enjoy all those indirect but not unprofitable means of improving his income, Under this head the star must state whether, when he is above the horizon, Proressorn EiseyBerG may once more extract a corn from my Loxp Sruart pz Dscties’ foot by a painiess —ie Se a ee of the ~~ ayeded — qperation, ang if when bo ie apogee, + wa be better for b barbarous meanness is not >= 4 Mr. Punch |“ whose hairs, old friend, now thinly grow ”’) to pur- hopes of savi on & pm yay . wy these victims of chase one of the inimitable Dicks’s ¢oupées, or to make himself the are about to take them out to a sand, upon a savoury mouthful for a Cossack by a copious use of Pnorssson } : 9? eae | which, in other days, British Kise Caanzes caused two thousand Jews Brown’s Olewm jecoris camelopardalis to be exposed and drowned, in the hope that a similar fate may over- rea ” ‘ : F take these unhappy Russians. We are authorized to state, that if this Honorary Appointments held by kim.—Here the star will state over | be done, their deaths shall be terribly avenged at the approaching the concerns of what mortal he is supposed to preside—that

. presidency being a purely hono: appointment, and productive | capture of the dastardly Baltic of no advantage to’ the ‘iden "The ae give phe nd however, == that it is an act of treason against common sense for any star to say that be has taken the concerns of Nicnotas Romaworr Pinancial Logic. under his charge. | _ The Times City article commenced the other day with the statement As it is to be feared that stars of malignant aspect will, from the very following :— malignancy of their nature, endeavour to conceal their real dispositions, | “The English funds have again been without the slightest animation to-day.” every star is earnestly requested to give all the information in his , : : power concerning his neighbours, and the natives of the galaxy are B < ge the fundholders for the time being were proprietors desired not to let the milk of human kindness, in which they so abound, prevent them from stating the truth boldly. | In the case of a double star, or of the nebulw, the circular need only England and France Afioat. be filled up by one of the firm, and it is hardly necessary to state that Excraxp has built a threedecker, to be called France ; and France, # ‘he leading star (Orion for instance) be from home, Alpha Orionis returning the compliment, launches a Great Britain! “To make the ™#Y %* for him. compliment complete, not but the French language should circulate = ees : under the British flag, and pure English be spoken under the tricolor. | Poetry in all Things.

A Goop interpretation can be put upon almost everything. Even Tue Suvery Licut or rue Crry.—Some say that the splendour | Newgate with all its chains and rs can be enero by @ poet of | of the ensuing a be very great; but others express an the /ack Sheppard school, as the grand battle-field of bold men who | *pinion that it will be all Moonshine. have died for their convictions /

adit wetemn

gee —tecaentite taste tt TI sion ew

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. FRAGRANCE VISIBLE. | | A screwtrric correspondent of the Times, | signing himself “ Ivvesticator,” declares that he can, with a great approach to truth, assert : “ That a bad smell may be mapped, i.+., the organic atoms in it laid down on paper, so as to show their very outline.” This assertion “Investigator” iustrates by an experiment, in which, by the use of the microscope, immense numbers of fungi and animaleules, existing in the exhalation of a cesspool, were found to mark it with charac- teristie forms. The further progress of dis- covery will no doubt show that every odour has its shape; and we shall be able to dis- tinguish the perfume of a dead well from that of a pig-sty, by looking at it through a magnify- jing glass. It is to be apprehended that the celebrated dispute between the eyes and the nose in regard to the spectacles, will be revived, with a complication derived from the fact that glasses are now made use of by the former to make researches in the province of the latter. Perhaps optical instruments will in time be con- v structed of such power as to enable us to see a nasty smell at a distance, and give it a wide berth or get out of its way. a) The Reign of War in Russia. It has been stated by the newspapers that the | Amphion and Archer have captured twenty Russian barges laden with corn and _ rags. | Especially, we should think, with r Should | | the reign of Nicwotas last much longer, the | THE SEA-SIDE HAT—A HINT TO MATERFAMILIAS. | Rassiaus will have nothing but rags to export— | | and little else to wear. “ ANTHROPOMORPHOUS APES.” 7 Scene—An Apartment, furnished for smoking. Acute and OBTUSE SwELis. Ohtuse Swell, What a baw! (Throwing aside newspaper.) Acute Swell, What’s the matter ? Obt. Sw. Paypau full of Bwitish ’Sociation. P’ressaw Owen on Anthwopomaw!fus Apes. What’s an Anthwopomawfus Ape? Ac. Sw. An ape that’s like a man. Obt. Sw. Ape like man. Why, evwy ape’s like man! The man’s an ass. Ae. Sw. No; not exactly an ass. Some ‘apes more particularly re- semble men—Chimpanzee—Oran-outang. Obt. Sew. Aw'—yes. Wangatang—disgasting beast! Ac. Sw. But 1 suspect he did not mean them. Obt. Sw. Fellow with blue nose, pawhaps ? AR Di ty gin coe MEM ib a rather, and moustache beneath it. Obt. Sw. Eh? Ac. Sw. Whiskers also, and exquisitely arranged: collar likewise, hal and tie, both faultless; and everything, downwards, irreproachable, to boots—inclusive. | is \ Obt. Sw. A neva saw an ape got up like that. A’ve seen an ape ina 7 wed jacket. 1 e 4 Ac, Sw. Ah!—in his regimentals; very likely one variety of the Ape that Owen describes. This kind of ape is a splendid fellow—plays al! 5 manner of tricks. Smokes cigars. O6t. Sw. ’Strawny queechaw ! Ae. Sic. Drinks claret—champagne. Obt. Sw. Beeaw ? Ae. Sw. Oh yes !—beer : and eats the best dinner that you could get i | at the best club, or anywhere. | Obt. Sw. What an expensive monkey! Shouldn’t like to be his ‘ keepaw. 5 | Ae. Sw. Or Governor ? O61. Sw. Decide’ly not. : Ac. Sw. Well, then, this ape will gamble. Obt. Sw. All monkeys a’ fond o” fwolics. Ae, See, Oh'!—but | mean dansquenet and that style of fun. Obt. Sw. Weally! It’s astonishing what some bwutes may be bwought to do. Ae. Sw. Then he’ ll get behind the scenes of a theatre. O6t. Sw. Ah !—when he has to perfawm. Ac. Sw. No; not with the blue nose. With the aquiline nose, Ac. Sw. No; for his own amusement—if the Manager is fool enough to let him in. And then, Sir, this ape diverts himself by running about after the coryphées. Obt. Sw. Like a dog ? Ac. Sw. Yes; like any puppy. But on two legs, you know. Obt. Sw. Ol! of cawse. Bai Jove, the Anthwopomawfus Ape seems to enjoy himself ! Ac. Sw. He does nothing else; he laughs at the idea of doing any- thing else. Obt. Sw. Laughs? Oh!—come, now! A’ve hawd of laughing hyena; but neva of laughing ape. Ac. Sw. He chatters. Obt. Sew. Ah!—theyaw I b’lievyaw. Apes do chattaw. Ac. Sw. He chatters of nothing else but his luxuries and his pastimes ; his games, his sports, his amours, his dogs and horses. Obt. Sw. Ah now I see y’ a’ joking. The Anthwopomawfus Ape is something maw than Mawphus—which means sleepy, doesn’t it ? (yawns). In short, the ape you mean is a human queechaw. Ac. Sw. The ape that Owen means; not I. Between you and me, my boy, I’ve little doubt that the beings he does mean are our noble | seives. | Obt. Sw. You don’t mean t’ say you think he means me? | | de. Sw. 1’m afraid it’s the fact. : Ot. Sw. Call me an Anthwopomawfus Ape! Confound the fella} | | Shouldn’t I like to catch bim ! Ac. Sw. You will be very likely to find him at the College of | Surgeons, studying the gigantie bone of some extinct monster. | Obt. Sw. V\l go and extinguish P’ress’ Owe himself. Wha’bouts ’s the College a’ Sawgeons? I’l go to the College a’ Sawgeons and beat | P’vess’ OwEN into sevawal pieces with his gweat bone ! | Scene closes. The Empire is—Police! Lovts Naroteon has resolved to introduce our English system of New Police into Paris. Several distinguished members of our force have been — oy from Scotland Yard to instruct the French | policemen in their cuties. It is not true however, as reported, that they have been accompanied either by cooks or nursery-maids. | | Extremes.— Many a fool has passed for a clever man, because he has known how to hold his tongue ; and many a clever man has passed for 2 fool because he has not known how to make use of it.

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with the test astonishment an article headed thus :—‘

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIV 141 | | = ae ROYAL AND IMPERIAL ANNOUNCEMENTS. OUR RUSSIAN PRISONERS. uncn has often thought that the varieties of | _ Tirgsz people increase upon our hands, A day or two since, a poor human life are scarcely more wondrous than little baby war prisoner was born at Chatham; but, as we understand the various ways of getting a living. There| that the’Ear. or Anenpren immediately telegraphed his intentions of used to be a man about town who got a daily becoming godfather to the infant Muscovite, the little stranger will

Zz 4 | a E- = Ss QQ > » e 5 i=] § - B - a : a S i = 72 e =: E f 5 = : ta out the brief bellows of his own vapid existence. | in idleness? The magnanimity of Nicnonas stops the pay of his He flourished for a time on the wind which he| sailors and soldiers when =a captive: they have then his imperial

was enabled to raise, but his sao beeame | and paternal permission to starve; but, of course, Joun Buus takes . at length flat and stale, until it ended in being} bumane care the Museovite belly filled, and that, doubtless utterly unprofitable. Some men live by hang-|to the said belly’s astonishment, with beef and wheaten flour. ing out from the ear of a balloon, where they! For once in their lives, the Russians have fared better than Russian are so tied by the leg ge every one = | dogs. ne o- sees them in a state of fri suspense ; an Om on there was a poor fellow who lived—and died— And drunk the

descending in a hute until the aim of : Bl Kis pooved to be liteenliy the end of his|Nev*uciaam, re cua So, Deve sean gutta: Ge ens! catay on euch One of the last new expedients ior potting a at we ao that the a nm em | y oecupation that, in due ti 9 to the walking with the head down-| of men, a meaning a pte Lim e would hav

wards. Two or three headstrong individuals', Russian monument built have adopted this new walk of life, and a : them is a certain ignor, who declares thit| enn” = i"puicanes in, cuaie. | , ical Gardens ; and under his direction, apotzow. There are some courtiers who im! they shall by easy eoustract anew a den for the Russian the presence of Royalty can scarcely be said} hear at the Gardens a op AE — - = —_ a constructed of the timbers of a prise Rassian ship and the bars forged Seen Sr Rapes, cae ae A dem, constvested of sech matecials and by sath hands, would _ to an extent that would conte} even oS level which | surely enshrine a continual lesson and a continual moral. With the } A oo pennies Ae gm, at ga gt ° bear—a real Russian bear, and the Gardens rejoice at the present time head downwards, we are bound to sleeve him, but we do not think | and irom’ wary tym d ai would ee fro, —a that either the Knxc or Prussta or the Emrzron Napoveon would thrust into confined limite? And the Russian timber and Russian have desired any but one of their own subjects to stoop the head| metal confining the brute, what would they represent but proper to the extent that is shown im the topsy-turvy proceeding to which) Russian barriers, newly made the Russian adios to enon = we have alluded. Such a proceeding must compel the executant to! gression ? , look at the world in an upside-down point of view, and teach him to} ; — , senenenientinias look up to everything low, and down on what is elevated. Such a

feat may suit the humour of absolute monarchs, but we are not sur- | prised that the trick—if such it may be called—has not become very LEAD LINES. popular with the British public. Ma. Powcn is so inexperienced in feminine wiles as to have read

ae} - reer n the first of ti us Wo! e was led irresistibl POETRY OF PARISH CLERKS. _ |to the qundhaiion that he had accounted for the hitherto pane or and A qveEstion has arisen as to what h books shall be used in circumstance that black lead always figured as an important item in ch . Those at present in use are felt to be objectionable on 7 the household accounts of Mrs, Punch. The remainder of the adver- accounts, one of which, of some importance, is that the verses which | tisement, however, dispelled this idea. “They are of everlasting they contain are about the worst in the language. Hymns are devo- wear,” it stated, and Mr. Punch, knowing black to be of a erumb- tional songs, and songs sre poems ; but the lines in question are quite ling and perishable nature, straightway his hypothesis. But i of poetry. Most of them consist of mere tumid pays on the supposition that the combs were really composed of the metal into rhyme; and what can be more ive than doggrel applied to in its commonest form, it became evident the advertisement had the expression of solemn ideas? There are certain compositions of the | been drawn up by a person altogether ignorant of orthography, and | sort required—the work o brew bard—one might think | that it should have run thus—“ They are of everlasting ware,” or | that they would serve till better could be had, without the alterations | rather “ of everlasting hardware.” } improvements) necessary to turn them into the form of ballads.| That the combs must answer the end for which they were constructed

=

i Signor, wh moral and historical value. 7 ab ‘nasi | his {etigpien exploit has been commanded |»; laced by the Kove or Puussia and the Empsnon a be ie ee < |

songs are surely the only fit songs to be sung in churches; and | was evident to him when he that the chevelures which are | at least none should be tolerated that have not ordinary poetieal secured by them can never be called light hair; whilst that they must _ inspiration. | operate beneficially on the wearer’s t, to a certain extent, be in- Pot te eat es — the fact that those who wear them can never be light A Conversational Key. - ‘ se , ; . | Punch would gladly “bear a hand to help a female in distress,” and | Maw never talk amongst each other about their babies; women he begs to suggest that as these leaden combs cannot conveniently be always do. With the former it is the Padlock of conversation, with worn during the hours of repose, it may be as well that ladies, whose the latter the Staple. : | tresses are what Punch is and always will be—universally 7¢d—should | in lieu of the ordinary eurl employ the lead with which the Chinese MOST FEARFUL Work. merchants line their tea ¢ Then the salutary operation an. they cov. 3 . : : : of a cup of bohea on the pineal gland of Matilda or Anna Maria would omen rss any, Sede Rtged spronine to ~ or but | be considerably enhanced by the reflection that the wrapper which , - |whilom enveloped that bohea was about to exercise as great an in- fluence on the integuments with which that pineul gland was sur- Mutary Rippie.—Why is the Army in the Crimea like an Ostrich ? , rounded. : Because it has wings which are not formed for flying. = —-- Waar 1s Pie Laow ?—The mail of the Hog-in-Armour. A Nore ron tue Crry Atmawacxk.—Nezt Lord Mayor's Day. A Full Moox. Aw Iwpattrete Roue.—There is but one rule without an exception : —and, what is that pray ?—why, that there is no rule without an A Temperayce Derrsition.—Gia: The Drunkard’s Snare. | exception !

a

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i - ee ess nn ee ' } DIDN'T THAT—Aaw- Adonis. “ War ra-as—aw—lI ATTENTIONS BECAME SO MAKKED— THE SANITARY TO-MORROW. l'we decline of the lately prevailing epidemic will no doubt allay those gloomy, or at least uncomfortable, apprehensions, which, during the period of its destructive existence, must have oppressed Boards of Guardians, and Parochial and Municipal authorities in general. The temperature is declining; and it may be hoped that the return of the pestilence may be postponed for several, perhaps as mary as nine or ten months. The immediate necessity of making drains, repairing or covering in sewers, and executing suchlike sanitary works, may be con- sidered to have abated, which will probably more than counterbalance the less gratifying consideration that the ensuing season is the proper time for abating nuisances. Ratepayers will naturally feel that it will be time enough for that another ine and of course will not believe that day to have come until it shall have passed, and the epidemic shall have become prevalent once more. LOUIS NAPOLEON’S RUSSIAN CAMPAIGN. Tre Emperor attacked the Russian general, Sxnamm, in the defiles f Ambleteuse, turned his left with a considerable amount of imaginable slaughter, compelled the enemy to lay down his arms at the base of the column, ont then made his triumphant way to his hotel, dining like a conqueror on jambon flavoured with bays—not that he is of those “ Qui ne pensent le laurier bon Que pour la sauce et le jambon,” and cotelettes aur olires. Boulogne was not sacked ; but several young fishwomen (previously affianced) were put to the edge of the wedding- ring. Political Chemistry. A Paris correspondent of the Morning Post states that— “ There is a talk that Paivce Powxtatows«:, who has recently resigned his appoint- ment as Minister of Tuseany at Paris, is about to become a neutradised French subject. A neutralised French subject should be something like a living neutral salt. How is Pontatowskt to be neutralised? Probably, as | he is to become a French subject, by being saturated with Gallic acid. AN UNFORTUNATE VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCES. Lady. “ AND 80 CaPTaIN—THEY SAY YOU ARE GoING To TURN Benepick !” Wish TO—sUT—aw—iIN Fact Lapr Mary's THE THING—aW—WAS INEVITABLE CHARIVARL PARIS MOVING ON. Panis, rejoice, for lo! thy new Police Will break all heads inclined to break thy peace, On each street brawler with their truncheons rus , And thus will Crushers insurrection crush. The canse of progress freatly will advance, And if im Pans, then all over France, W hen every person, who the way impedes, On being or to move_on, proceeds. But fain Imagination would essay ' The New Parisian Peeler to portray Delineate his form, depict his mien, And uniform—of azure? red? or green ? Will Berlin gloves adorn his ample fist ? And wiil a band, on duty, bind his wrist ? Will that be only coloured white and blue ? Or will a brilliant pink be joined thereto ? Will he be furnished with an oilskin cape ? And will his boots be made of any shape > Or will his highlows, wonderful to see, Like those of our own X., amorphous be ? And will the French Policeman be, like X., The cherished favourite of the softer sex ? And will the cooks and kitchen-maids delight To cater to his hearty appetite ? Whate’er his dress may be, whate’er his looks, Whate’er his fortune with admiring cooks, Oh Paris, when the cry, “ Police!” shail sound, May thy Policeman evermore be found! Hore (4y a Butcher).—There is a Silver Side aw.” A DYING BLACK SWAN IN THE CHURCH. Amone the literary advertisements of the day we have noticed the following :— Just published, in Post S8vo, Price 5s. EATH-BED CANTICLES. of Eugland. By a Dying Clergyman of the Church We are obliged to put up with a good deal.sometimes in the way of | nausea, but we must say there is rather too strong a savour of caut in | the idea of these death-bed canticles. A canticle is literally a little song, and if the clergyman is really dying we think it is rather too bad of anybody to speculate in a publication of his death-bed ditties. At all events we think the publication should be postponed until the fate of the author is known, when the work might either be advertised as the preductions of a dead or a convalescent person, but there is some- thing awful in issuing from “the Row” the musi of a moribund mimster. If the reverend gentleman has life his friends ought to have hope, and it is really enough to finish him off at once to announce him publicly as a dying singer of death-bed canticles. Lf the work is published by his own authority, he may have assumed the title of a “dying clergyman” from a melancholy and morbid feeling that ought not to be encouraged, but if he is really too ill to attend to the matter himself, and his friends are preparing his work for the press, it is vo maturely passing sentence of death upon the author, to advertise him as in the act of expiring while his work is in the hands of the printer. Suppose the reverend individual should get perfectly wel, which we hopé he will do, before a second edition is required, it will be absurd to go on calling him a “ dying clergyman.” We cannot wish him better than that he may survive the sale of the first impression of his book ; for he will in all probability reach an almost fabulous age if he should | live till a reprint is required. Before and After. Most French Ministers have in their time been farce-writers. Many English Ministers have also been known for their farces, but then with them the Farce has been the result of their having being made Minis- ters, and not the cause. — | \ TANTED A GOOD STRONG ADHESIVE PLASTER, to make | busy bodies stick to their own business. } Printed by William Bradbary, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, and Frederick Mullett Evens, of No. 77, Victoria Street, in the Parnsh of St. Margaret and St. John, im the Coaary of Miidiesex, Printers, at their Odice in City of Loaion.—Sarvapar, Octoder 7, 164. eetminster. both ? w Street, im the Precinct of Whitefriars im the City of london, and Published by them at No. %, Fleet Street, im the Parish of St. Brice, im the to every Round of Beef. , | :

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rr — RUSSIAN VIEW OF ALMA. Parsce Mewpaxcorr, Commanding the Russnan Forces wn the Crimea, to the Emrernor, St. Petersburg. “May rt Prease your Impznimat Masesry, _, ., “I have the gratification of announcing that the series of movements, originating in your *s wonderful military invention, and executed, with humble but scrupulous ity, by myself, has been crowned with the most com- lete me and that your ty’s enemies are exactly where your Majesty oresaw and I agreed that they would poly be. “ On inspecting, by the aid of a superb DoLtonp (one of the trophies gained when your Majesty’s soldiers at Odessa so brilliantly cut out the English frigate Tiger) the manceuvres of the combined fleets in the bay of Kalamita, it became perfectly clear to me that the audacious purpose for which your Majesty gave the aggressors credit, but of which I confess f scarcely believed them capable, was to be carried into effect. In short, I perceived that it was their intention to land upon the soil of Russia. I must own to your Majesty that, having made up my mind on this subject, and having actually beheld hundreds of boats, filled with the ferocious soldiery of Albion and Gaul, and pulling for the shore, | felt so unspeakably dis- at such a mixture of effrontery and sacrilege, that I was quite unable to witness the completion of the outrage. Nor would I expose my men to the demoralisation of a which might have had the effect of rendering them atheists, by showing them that the God of Russia (I need not name your Majesty) was unable to protect his own holy land from insult. I therefore withdrew with my whele force, and left the unprincipled invaders to accomplish their guilt, while i hastened to prepare the trap devised by your Majesty’s prescience. | ? — ‘ | “= = “ ‘ ~ ——— — =) ~ | , . Py “s~ = \ = = =~ ie = themselves arose to rs. The most terrible rain began to descend the instant that the first keel touched the shore, and continued throughout the whole night, drenching the invaders, especially the English, to the skin. The mortality in their ranks, occasioned by the deluge of that night, has been enormous. At least 8000 have been carried off by colds caught upon that occasion, and the whole of the survivors and roar, and sneeze to such an extent, as to excite the i ible laughter of your Majesty’s brave soldiers. As your Majesty, in your great leniency, was to order that the war should be carried on with humanity, I should have sent a supply of pocket-handkerchiefs to the afflicted enemy, but for the circumstance of there being but two in our whole army, and these I thought it well to retain in case we should need them for flags of truce. “The enemy speedily r his advance, and I immediately proceeded to put in practice the system — by your Majesty. I steadily retreated before the allies, until I had lured t as far as the River Alma, the banks of which, [ 4 need not’ remind your Majesty, are steep and admirably calculated for defence. Indeed, but for your Majesty's orders to the contrary, I could have held the position until the end of the campaign, for it is one from which no general of ordinary t, and with a few thousand men, ought to be driven. The enemy commenced a fierce assault, and was received by your Majesty’s soldiers with the calmest valour. , We drove the English back eleven times, and the French twelve, sweeping away | thousands at every discharge. About thirty-five of the enemy’s generals were | killed, and the lowest estimate at which I ean place the carnage in their ranks! | is forty-thousand men. Great numbers of English flags and French eagles were} | captured, but in the ardour of the moment your soldiers were too eager to secure! | them, and, the Alma ing to be full of water, they have all been washed down! | to the sea, or I should of course add them to the thousand similar trophies in| | your Majesty’s ion. | “May I reckon upon your Majesty’s goodness of heart, and your affability| towards the lowest of your subjects, and venture to record a little jeu de mot! | which has become a by-word in your army. Nothing in itself, it demonstrates) hasn’t had one letter yet upon the authorship of /unius's | | how cool, and even playful were your troops, while combating for you. *, The! Letters / vor. XXVIII. Q “Tam y, however, m being able to inform your Majesty that the elements awe chastise the i SS ———EeEEEEeEEeEe | | | | vaunting Lorp RaGLan came urging on his reluctant troops : Minié rifle wounded the animal. It rushed avet, iam and speedily dismounted his awkward rider, fell over heels. ‘Ractay, thou callest thyself,’ said the gallant fellow who had fired the shot, tranquilly reloading. |* Methinks thou hast ape trae a Somenset!’ “T have the i ) that, having inflicted this terrible chastisement, and finding, to my satisfaction, that the enemy was bent d Saulge La sal to fall tosh ailing: the indulge him, and to semblance of flight. I need oF ptr by precept and ae, keep so far in advance of the pursuer as to incur li i i eC tinued up to the present time; and I am happy to inform your Majesty that I have led the allies a wearisome march across the Crimea, a show of resistance, but giving way when attacked, until I have brought them to Bala- klava Bay, within a few : their annilulation. Having seen them have with- drawn under cover, well assured that they wil ay upon their fate. are, I rejoice to say, bringing s their artillery, aie f stores peaether 5 so that x armament wi destroyed a effort, your Majesty’s soldiers be mellored frous fasthor i “Tn the meantime, I humbly recommend everybody, in- | cluding myself, for stars and orders. Everybody achieved miracles of valour, and it be invidious to select any one for especial mention, unless I make an ion in my own favour. When the allied army is annihi I shall do myself the honour of lé@tting your Majesty know. Until then, and always, “Your Majesty’s faithful Servant, “ Menpaxcory.” “ Sebastopol, Sept. 4.” THE ELECTRIC STORY-TELLER. Wuat horrid fibs by that electric wire Are flashed about! what falschoods are its shocks! So that, in fact, it is a shocking liar, And why ? That rogues may gamble in the stocks. We thought that it was going to diffuse : Truth o’er * world ; a of which, behold, t is employed by speculative Jews, That speculative Christians may be sold. Nations, we fancied, ’twas about to knit, Linking in peace, those placed asunder far, Whereas those nations are immensely bit By its untrue reports about the war. Oh! let us rather have the fact that creeps, Comparatively, by the Post so slow, Than the quick fudge which like the lightning leaps, And — — us credit that which is not so. The calm philosopher, the quiet sage, Fair Science na to see, provokes, Especially it puts him in a rage, To be, himself, deluded by the hoax. ——— | EXTREME BACKWARDNESS OF THE DEAD SEASON. Tne Flat Season is nearly over, and the Atheneum ee ——"s

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Peg Se ge — eer etx eee | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. who seems to have brought his eggs on the whole to a very fair market. There is no particular distinction to be claimed for Mz. Crossxey, except that he “ enjoys the Freedom of the City”—what a pure source of enjoyment !|— is “connected with hig ilies i | York, with which county,” adds the Reco i delicious little bit of autobiography, for grateful, “1 wyser have the honour to be connected. There is not much to be made of Mr. ocr oe 3 life presents but few ities for distineti -corder therefore looks to the future as the field of fature exploits. The Recorder thus proceeds—

for judge the impor- tance, but of this [ am sure, that the loyalty and determination of the gentlemen I now | present to you will not be found wanting, should any unexpected difficulties arise.” It is certainly a new fact to us that the past year has been one of tranquillity, for we were under the rather general i ion that it had been a year of war, but if any em ise, i should be “unexpected difficulties,” for which the Government and | the Legislature have failed to provide, there will be the “loyalty and | determmation” of Muccrripes and of Omossuzy, “ citizen and poulterer,” to fall back upon. It is gratifying to feel that the valiant - is not likely to prove chicken-hearted, or to display the white eather. After a speech from the Cursitor Baron, in which he augured “ im- mense things” of the shrieval career of Messrs. Mueerrrper and CrossieY, the ceremonies by which the city holds its lands were commenced, and ALpenman SaLomons, who appears to be the Civic low comedian proceeded to go through some “ryghte pleasaunte ” foolery in the fashion described in the following paragraph :— | it < iT) [ = ye “Ma. ALpgemaw SaLomons, as the senior alderman t, mot having passed the chair, proceeded to the floor of the court, and considerable hter by the | humorous and quaint manner in which he took up the mimic adge and billhook to cut | in twain two small bundles of peeled willows, about six inches im length, sw to be two bundles of faggots, and » adroitly was it done with the assistance of grave and solemn usher, whe looked upon the ceremony as one big with the fate of a great city, without whieh a sheriff could net perform his funetion, that not to have seen the a Sa and hobnails counted, was destruetion to all his grandeur official usefulness.” [ | | | We cannot help admiring the spirit of motive in which ALDERMAN Satomows, converted into a “screaming farce” the pompous absur- | dities that used to be performed with the most imbecile solemnity. THE LIVES OF THE SHERIFFS. am Sacomons then proceeded to go through the ceremony of counting six rseshoes (which, by the by, are stated to have been used forthe same purpose during Wx have had th Lives of the Chanesllors, and the Lives of other | ager sie so i bhai anon he smmnnrmen sb public functionaries ; but the Lives of the Sheriffs, though yet am un- | nea been well done.’ written book, is a work for which ample materials will be found m

| those brilliant biographical bursts which babble ap every Goose-day| Thus ended a piece of annual a which takes place yo | from the mouth of the Recorder to the ears of the Cursitor Baron. We | enough on the great goose festival of ngland. We cannot help pitying have lately been favoured through this medium with a sketch of the | men of sense, such as the Recorder we are sure is, and the Cursitor Baron careers of Hewry Mucorrmpoe, alderman and corn-dealer, and|We hope is, who are compelled to go through a series of the most | Decrwvus Crossiey, sheriff and poulterer. egregious fooleries that have survived the modern advance of intellect. Ma. Bawxs, the Cursitor Baron, having taken his seat on the bench | We fancy we see in the inflated style of the Recorder a disguised air of in the Court el ‘Sel in his full th or robes (Quere, has he a | satire which is intended to have the effect of a reductso ad absurdum on scanty set for less important occasions?) commenced listening with | custom the breach and ultimate amnihilation of which we are all solemn gravity to the life, adventures, and achievements of Mz. Atper- | earnestly looking for | wan Muccerrpes. That distinguished man is, it “sprung from that class,” says the Recorder, “ with which I have fhe we. hase. ing that your lordship has a warm and hereditary sympathy—that class APES OF THE BOUDOIR. whi ch, under the name of British yeo &e., support their families). pseyyoxocrst presents his compliments : , %, ; y 3 ‘ plim to Mr. Punch, and through the pleasant and fertile plains 4 a ‘that Mr. Puack would point out to young ladies, but more alate one of eight sons I believe”—an announcement which no doubt im- We then learn the important fact, that “he is one of a large family— to old ones, the absurdity of wearing their hair 3 PImpératrice, indis- pressed the Cursitor Baron, as it will the world, with due admiration | riminately, and withost refenenen So Sep shee of the Susteed a for the multiplicity of the Muceerimpers. “ At an early period,” con-| ~~ » ery, with large 0 of Imitation. and Wit. or Mirthfuiness tinues the learned Recorder, “at the age of 13, I understand, he was “P ber het i axuneill tate lly, by being ex over the former inducted into the mysteries ‘4 @ merchant's counting-house.” What of th ~~ omen ond wpeund the fatter She shows her Wit, and sets these “ mysteries” may be, which required the awful ceremony of an off icor feuiation, in thus ing ber har: but the reverse is the canducpon. wg canaot understand, but ws, know that seme of thease with Indes who stick gut thers over their Imitation, Which slopes, “ mysteries ” y no more formal process than an engagement as errand = bevel ek be! ae ee ie sad Gedney boy. Having “ attracted the attention of his fellow citizens im the ward Wit y y of Castle Baynard”—though what he did to attract their attention, =

| except to follow the usual course of canvassing them for their votes, | character he hammered away v rly at one of the thousand | abuses of the City. The result of his seems, however, to be we are not informed,—he became a Common Councilman. In that Wanted, at the Foreign Office. ImwepraTety, Wanted a few = who can tell — o on: : : i os hg arri i ination some hours before ¥ almost, if not quite void for remoteness, inasmuch as the Recorder has despatches having arrived at their desti - . : no doubt that “the exertions of ALperman Mvucoeripes will have SS See timekeepers will, during the war, be laid the foundation of some future a gm — either b _ . y remuneratec internal powers of the Corporation itself, or by the assistance of the é ' Legislature will be productive of some satisfactory result.” a we “— aving traced his hero to the dignity of an Alderman and Sheriff,| Tue Ears or Eoimvroun has recently sent avery liberal os the Recorder quits the subject of the Muecertper Memoirs, and to the Scotch Hospital, in order that in his present desperate introduces Ma. Cuantes Deciwvus Craosstey, the Sheriff and Poulterer, | the Scotch Lion may “ become an in-door patient.”

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= Lui a. de he im Ne PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 145 r, Sa e4 arama HOW KIND. THE TYRANT’S DOOM, (By Tumavs.) As | was a zittun atop of a gate, In pace and in quiet my victuals to ate, There come a young ooman along the road-zide, “ Now what bist thee arter?” says I, “purty maaid ?” “ Well, if you must know, then, I’!l tell you,” says she, “T be gwyun into town, mun, and that ’s what I be.” “ And what, purty maaiden, bist gwyun there vor?” “Oh! to hear if there ’s any moor news vrom the War.” What consarn is the War unto thee, then?” says I; “Oh! never you mind,” she so sharp did reply. “ But | wants for to git satisfaction about The wounded and ki if the listes is out.” “ Ah! thee bist afeard "bout zome chap o’ thy kin, That either the vieet, or the vorces is in.” “No, I han’t got no kinsman among ’em at all,” And the drops from her eye did begin for to fall. “Then thee’st got a zweetheart,” says I, “I suppose, By thy tears tricklun down bee, the zide o’ thy nose.” “'There’s a young man as went for a soger,” she said, And I wishes I know’d if he’s livin or dead.” “ Now come, purty maiden,” says I, “leave off ery’n, There ’s hundreds and thousands i There ’s mothers, young ooman, and zisters, and wives : And their zons, brothers, husbands, a lozun their lives.” “Tis frightful to think on; ’tis dreadful,” she said, “Oh, what must there be on that Iwpznor’s head ! ” “ Well,” says I, “al her, I s’pose, not much less Than a million of m , to gie a round guess.’ in a wus case than thine. Cruel little Path, “On Hannrerre pean—Pvut on YOUR HAT AND LET US THEE THE STEAMBOAT COME IN. ROUGH !—AND THE PEOPLE WILL BE SO ABTHURDLY THICK !! | | | | | | Tue Tua 1s THO ” “ What, a million!” cries she, “ what will ever be done With the wretch if he’s cotehed—when they h men for one?” “Done?” says I—“ why, young ooman, t ey'll let un alone. Ees, as likely as not, let un bide on a’s throne. “ When murder’s committed at that mighty rate, They Jets off the culpurt ’cause why he’s so great ; For tyrants be reckon’d too big for the ’size, Such precious fine fellers they be in folks’ eyes.” “ Tliey wun’t sarve un out, then,” says she, “ for his crimes ?” “ Did,” says I, “ they ’d have to hang un a million o’ times ; Seeun that can’t be done ; why they ‘ll let the chap goo, But I'll tell ’ee what I should like wi’ un to do. “1d suffer’n no moor long o’ Christians to live, But a den to un ’mongst the wild beastes I'd give, This feller that’s caused zo much bloodshed to flow, I’d ha’ took round the country in ’Oomwe11s’s show. “There his teeth a med grind, and his eyes a med roll, Whilst he wor stirred up wi’ the keeper's long pole ; Zo 1’d ha’ the brute, carted vrom Fair unto Fair, Wi’ ‘ walk up, good folks, and zee the Gurt Rooshan Bear.’ ” Elastic Shot. A pervtatiow from the Peace Society waited, yesterday, on the Duxe or Newcastiz, to request that, in concession to the require- ments of humanity, Indian fubber balls only should be employed in the war against NICHOLAS. AD CAPTANDUM. A Lapy, very fashionably known for her mistakes in English, French, and all languages, says, “the worst of Lovis Naroizon’s proc tions to the army is—they are certainly extremely good—but then they | are so very ad claptrapandum.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. OUR RUSSIAN GUESTS. Poor fellows, whom Nicwo.as no more commands, Having laid down your arms, give us also your hands, We forget you were in truth you were not, Any more than the stones that were crushed with our shot. You were only a T *s unfortunate thralls, With your bodies for bricks who built ramparts and walls, Which if we, to bit at him, were foreed to strike through, "Twas with sorrow and pain and compassion for you. He piled you, like sand , or clods of mere dirt, The blows which we ai at his power to avert ; He cares not what swarms of his vassals may fall, Whilst yet he has more to oppose to our ball. Should a score of his serfs stop a shot or a shell, That, your monarch considers, will do pretty well For he thinks his loss less in the slaves that we slay, Than our own im the missiles which we shoot away. Come ; you’re out of the clutch of your savage old chief, Here’s some bread for you: here are potatoes and beef. And to wash it all down here’s a jag of good beer ; We'll make you all jolly now we you here. May our nations soon cease this sad warfare to wage, And your Czas have been caught and confined in a cage, May you then to your country take back all you ve gained, Whilst by war’s happy fortune you here were Mag you take eo Peeing chee we bo fed, A So ete a ee ep ean ges SMe Send, That by you Holy Russia deliv may being made pr be, You, th prisoners, who learned to be free. We shall make your captivity easy to bear, And our own as fare, —7 their numbers be few ! As many Are, or shall be, in situation with you. | } | LADIES’ HABITS FOR OCTOBER. ' Heng is a morsel of fatuous delicacy, nicely adapted to the palate of imbecile elegance. The description of the fashions for October, in| Le Follet, commences with the following serap of fiddlefaddle : | “ Notwithstanding the anasually long daration of the fine weather with which our | fair patrons have heen so highly favoured during their stay at the gay chateaux of | their aristocratic aequaintances, or at the varions fashionable places, chilly mornings and evenings, and the undeniable lengthening of the latter, indicate but too plainly the approach of that periodof the year when in-door amusements must be made to compensate for out-of door reereation.” Le Follet may be done by a man six feet three inches high, with bulk and brains in proportion. He may have penned the ing specimen of queasy miminypiminyism with a fist like a shoulder of mutton, imme- diately after devouring the greater part of a leg, or swallowing some unds of bacon and cabbage, washed down with a quart or two of Raecuat and Per«rys’s stout. He may be able to knock down an ox walk a thousand miles in a thousand hours, and fight, with the likelih to thrash, any map of his weight—that being fourteen stone. He may, | however, have no other business, whereby to support his huge frame, | and satiate his craving maw, than that of wag stuff to flatter the vanity of the softer portion of the softer sex. Necessity alone—the necessity of gorging and swilling—may have compelled him to file a masculine mind down to this. no more of him ; only let the readers whom he addresses beware, if they want to look pretty for any while, how they follow his suggestion with respect to in-door amusement. Every woman, every fasbionable woman, even, has a at least considered as the organ of circulation ; and blood vesse!s, on the healthy lay of which depends the bloom of ber face, and which will not play Realthily without out-of-door exercise. She has also muscles and ligaments, which have to brace ber up, hold her together, and keep her clean-limbed, but will do nothing of the sort for lang unless they are maintained in proper tension by the same means. Let her loll about all day in a close “muggy” house, instead of exerti f for a due time im the fresh air, and she quickly begins to and look unwholesome. Soon her complexion fades*or grows p ao dm] her features are puffed or shrunken, her form either wastes or swells, she gets either haggard and lanky, or round and fat ; he» figure tumbles all of a heap ; her ankles give out, her feet spread and flatten: her elastic step es a waddle: and her person altogether acquires the style of & cow. Brilliant eyes, on the other band, complexion to match, features retaining the chise!led outline, a slim and smart figure, neatly turned | ankles, finely arched insteps, are the reward of walking or riding out at a reasonabie a dediiod station, obliged to exchange out-of-door ment, ¢ or blows a | the war with Russia has not made them dearer than the attendance of a sim doctor. ducive to beauty, by bei good pace, and for a every practicable day. And these i distance, for many a year a contour, the cut of which the gazelle. iod of the year is any healthy young woman, of whatever recreation for im-door amuse- ept when it hails or rains, or snows, or thunders and lightens, urricane. Are there not furs? never mind the expense : At no Are there not muffs, and boas, and all sorts of armour?’ Young ladies, take the advice of your elders, and as the old women say, “ Get out! ”—im all tolerable weather. As to necessary in-door amusement, mind, it also may be made con- rendered in some degree intellectual. Intelligence adds consi to the lustre of the eyes, which, without |it have only the glitter of giass beads, whilst the best and most splendidly coloured face which they can waxen dummy in a hair-dresser’s o- admiration, ladies i some extent, by way of in-door amusemen be stuck in . In order, therefore, of-fashion would do well to cultivate i t. Beauty be called a fading flower; but it is a flower that will vary waah the esuner thr boang taken in-doors for the winter, like geranium. Byen Le Pollet must, on reflection, if able to reflect, justice of these observations. [t will admit that a lady is not a i allow that the figure is more than bonnet. to attract i », to “ou! HERE’S A COUPLE OF JOLLY MUSHROOMS! ” A STORM IN A KENSINGTON (SLOP) BASIN. KENSINGTON, our favourite suburb, has lately been the scene of » the | series of frightful convulsions, in consequence of an election of what are called “ Improvement Commissioners ;” for improvement is a quality of whieh Kensington is especially susceptible. The election was carried on amidst the mingled foam of eloquence and porter; the mouths of the orators and the heads of the pint-pots were equally frothy. Such was the excitement of the hour that the stranger ing casually through the town was d in to vote, and even children were ed up to the poll, with a reckless disregard to everything. When the poll had closed, everybody threatened to break the head of anybody who dared to add the numbers up; and somebody ran off to bury the voting lists in the churchyard till somebody else ran to dig them up again. The chairman’s coat was pulled from his back in a boisterous game of oranges and lemons, into which both parties, some- how or other, happened to fall, until all fell down . One man began to ring the cbureh beils, and another threatened to wring his nose for doing so. A timid adherent of the blues called out “ Police!” Another threw himself into the arms of Pumuxt, the beadle; and a third ran up the ladder of the fire escape, in a panic which only sub- sided when the fireman thrashed him down again. AN ACTRESS IN A RAINY DAY. Tue French papers inform us that the celebrated tragic s, MapemoiseLte Georees, is, im consideration of her straitened cir- cumstances, te enjoy the privilege of taking charge of the sticks and umbrellas at the Great Paris Exinbition. It seems rather infra dig. on the part of an eminent ¢ragédienne to accept an office so humble, but it is humanely felt by the Government that she who has suffered from the storms of adversity deserves to be sheltered from those storms by as many umbrellas as the public will place in her hands; while the charge of a number of sticks is one that an actress who must have seen a great variety of sticks on the stage will find rather ial to her old habits. Though the office is temporary, it is ible that it may be made permanent by giving her the custody of the umbrella of Lovts Pururrre, which seems at present useless to the Citizen King’s family.

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ane

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VICTORY OF THE ALMA. | : [Puncu, No. 692.

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tx os GQ = =) jaa) Z, — bed is 2 'o2) — pe = == ie oO BURSTING \ a -_ Octoper 14, 1854.) [Poncn, No, 692.

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A BROADSIDE FROM THE BLACK SEA. lil, THE BATTLE OF THE ALMA. BaricHtty, briskly runs the Alma, cold and green from mountain snow ; Pleasant shade, ng its borders, oak and plane and walnut throw, Where the Tatar shepherd shelters with his flock from noontide heat, In a silence only bi by the browsing goat’s faint bleat. From the huts beneath the hill-sides, Tatar women to the brink Shyly come to fill their pitchers, or drive down the cows to drink. All is calm ap ~~ and plenty. Over all—a form of awe— Sleeps in light the snow-spread table of the mighty Tschatyr-Dagh. On the northern bank the copses flush with autumn red and gold : On the contham bunk the angie chews 0 oli line base and Sal. You may cross the stream in spring-time, nor be wet above the knee, But when summer melts the snow-wreaths, who would ford it stout must be. On the twentieth of September—they had march’d from carly morn— As our armies near’d the Alma, they were weary men and worn ; But the heaviest tread springy, strength was in the weakest hand, As — “ Halt !—Form!” was given—for they knew the Russ at There, along the southern heights, in entrenchments Jay the foe. With his batteries in position—seven-score great guns, levell’d low. There was little time to count them ere their roar the silence woke— And the dell has grown a hell—all fire and sulphurous smoke. Now Zouaves and Tirailleurs !—now Rifles and Chasseurs !— | Seatter wide, finding shelter where you can; Fire steadily and slow, til. the distant foemen know That every Minié bullet has its man! See, they crouch, well-filled pouch, firm hand and murderous aim : Every bush, a puff of smoke: every stone, a jet of flame ; | And behind their covering shot, at a steady, swinging trot Downward pours, to the shores, the Allies’ van! Again—again—again—those batteries’ iron rain, And thick, alas! our gallant fellows fall For the river it is deep, and the banks they are steep, pas lety Bench chase, sod'n thundecing Bcitich charge, snd. the a lusty q a ritish charge, t foremost are already in the flood, Though the great guns ever roar, down upon them from the shore, and the water that was green turns to blood ! Through the shallows, in the ~~ o’er the boulders, up the steeps, British, French and eager for the work, Are floundering and ring and rushing with mad leaps— On again—on amain—some are left, though many die— Your powder may be damp, but bayonets are dry : Let it come but to the steel, the Muscovite shall feel With what men he his prowess hath to try ! Hark to those ringing cheers! ’Tis the bold Welsh Fusiliers, Ever foremost where there ’s work to be done :— They ’ve won footing on the bank—they are closing rank on rank, Scores of dying, but of flying never one! Now, fiery Celtic blood, to our French allies make good The credit of the lineage that you share ! They have gained the beights’ bald crown '—Now they stagger—now they ’re down !— But, hark, another cheer, and the gallant Guards are near! And with glorious tartans streaming, and Highland bagpipes screaming, The Black-Watch to the reseue appear ! At length the crest is won! Stab the gunner at his gun! Fer to take up new the batteries whee] ; On—Britons, Turks and French—o’er redoubt and over trench, Surge on like a wave of flashing steel '|— Lo, they waver—lo, they shake—lo, their line begins to break, ith the tramp of flying men, fying horses, Earth doth quake. | You have fought a — fight, have crushed a giant might, And four hours ere ainda io ann, The triple flags wave high, bullet-rent against the sky, Rnd the Baste of th Bien bee eee IV. WAITING FOR NEWS. Haste, haste,— haste—across the waste the sleepless Tatar rides ; The steamboat ‘s prow the sea doth plough, defying winds and tides ; On iron rails the train-sped mails like fiery meteors dash ; Electric fires, along the wires, their thought-quick tidings flash. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 151 But neither Tatar riding, nor steamboat cleaving sea, Nor engine’s race, devouring space, nor lightning fast and free, Can match the speed, wherewith at need, hope, fear, love combined, {n their sens flight, to the scene of fight, will sweep the unresting min | Almost we curse the skill perverse, that so far having gone, |'To conquer space and time efface, halts ere its work is done ; | Leaving half-said, what should be read entire, or not at all Till hope’s hot thrill, and fear’s cold ehill, like ague on us fall. In stately homes—in lowly rooms—how many hearts unsleeping ! What pampered wealth, and toiling health, alike their vial heaping | Still to one tune, both late and seon, all hearts are set. and strung ; In mart and street, where’er men meet, one theme on every tongue ! | What stalwart hands are |ifted up, what heads bowed and bare ' | What lisping tongues of infants are to shape a prayer ! Young hearts that looked to lives of love, are sick with bitter fears, Old eyes are dim for thought of him that should have stayed their years. At the Sine Gunts gate, are throngs that wait, till the fateful lists are own, Hard men—pale women—selfish a!!—all thinking of their own ; While - too proud, with the common —— their joys and griefs to Restless, at home, await the doom that hopes or fears shall end. But those who hide their hearts at home, and those the gates that {ill, Whate’er their hopes—whate’er their fears—are English still. No soul so glad, no sou! so sad, but its sorrow and its Will be lessened and be heightened by the news of victory. Thank God, we still have something of the stout old Spartan strain , What mother but would sooner learn how that her son was slain, Face to the foe, than he should owe his life to flight or fear ? Better to spare a hero there, than have a coward hove. Then pray and wait—you at the gate, and you, your homes within, Till the cannon’s roar, from sea to shore, wake a victorious din. Your country laughs with those who laugh, and mourns with those who mourn ; , And their names that fall, at duty’s call, in England’s heart are borne! INFALLIBLE SPECIFIC. Amone the Foreign Intelligence of a contemporary there lately | appeared the statement following :— ' “ The Carpinat Vicar ov Rome has just published an edict, in which, after attribnt- ing the cholera to the sins of the Romana, be directs that the finger of Sr. Perea, the arm of Sr. Roc, the heart of Sr. Caantaa, and be exposed to the adoration of the faithful, in order to avert the wrath of the Almighty.” Mummy was formerly ineluded in the materia medica, and was administered as a remedy for various complaints. In all probability it wrought some cures, by the operation of what is commonly called faith, and which doubtless, in the patients who were eured by mummy, was ithe same condition or quality of mind as the faith of the faithful to | whose adoration the Canprwat Vicar or Rome has been recommend- ling his dried anatomical ions. is Eminence, however, haa the advantage of the old doctors. Those nasty creatures made their patients actually swallow their mummy; he only requires that his should be looked at, which is an improvement on the system of Da. Smee gees, who advertises a cutaneous disease “cured by smelling.” i

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SHORT LEADING CASES. Our legal contemporaries give occasional |of what they call Short Leading Cases; and as we think the idea a good one, we shall adopt it, with | our own improvements. e shall add to the short- ness—if that can be called an addition which is, in fact, a curtailment—and we shall show the direction in which the cases lead, if that can be called a direction which is most uncertain as to the issue. Apprxnc New Puza. | Defendant owed plaintiff twenty pounds on a dishonoured bill of exchange. Plaintiff seeks pay- | ment, and defendant refuses, on the plea that he has | got no money, and this becomes therefore a leading Ma ’ W case, for it leads the plaintiff several times to the h Np ete ccs | outer door of defendant’s chambers. igs OP Divi e Bart 1s Error. i. ~ A o 7 | ieee ny 4 | In this case judgment had been given against A, ~ yi 2 raw ‘ WET | | when B so far lost his own judgment as to become ' éf . Tisai @ sh? bail for A, and thus found himself in error. The | \\ eat —_ = \ g Jupement ror Want oF APPEARANCE. \ | leading quality of this case consisted in the fact . i A "| N) | A was in search of a situation as a footman; but, ee ~~ of its leading B in pursuit of A, who had run away to Calais. | being a very little man, he never could obtain a | place, and judgment went against him for want of | appearance. INsoLvENcy. | In this case, plaintiff, a speculative attorney, | brought a smciiiian action inst defendant, who succeeded, but being saddled with the costs | of his own defence, which could not be got from the | speculative attorney, was obliged to take the benefit |of the Act, and the case became a leading case by leading defendant to the Insolvent Court. “TI say, CHARLEY, DON’T YOU THINK YOU HAD BETTER GO BACK TO YouR CusTOMER!”| Tye Gagat Carmnal.—Itis the profound remark Incipient Wine Merchant, “Not Yet. ALWAYS GONE A QUARTER OF AN HOUR For THE | of somebody whose name we are unacquainted with, very OLD Port—FourtHer END OF THE CaLLAR! CELLAR'S VERY EXTENSIVE! Great | that the Czam has committed a crime, and is losing CARE NECESSARY FOR FEAR OF DISTURBING THE CRUST YoU KNOW—RT c#TERA—Twic!” | the Crimea, f publi hip in the piece of pious patehwork described in WE KNOWS YER FEELINGS. faalgsing statement. The retor cannot of eourse, be in two uscovi j at once, and if he was perio uti , & mmor canon Op bere wocne oe = or St. Paul’s in London, he could not be exercising his ministry at He is certain to hear, by the very next steamer, Halden. A manifold writer is no rarity, but a manifold prea How soundly we ’ve walloped the Petersburg thief ? indeed a parson with more folds than one, has a difficult, impossible task to execute. If there’s comfort in ¢Ais, let our friend well-intentioned, ai Be told that the nation’s completely aware _ ae That Nicnoxas Senior, and Nick above mentioned, Alone find our victories harder to bear. THE SLAVE-TRADE IN BRISTOL. SS = We beg leave to direct the attention of Mrs. Stowe to following advertisement from a Bristol newspaper :—- THE FAITHLESS SHEPHERD. WANTED to purchase immediately, a povetal Cos Fany, not ° . ands : warranted sound stead harness. We pity the condition of the lost sheep whose fate is described in youNG MAN to oma po A the same, and make himeaif generally the following paragraph :— Address in either case to R. P., Bristol Mercury Office. ca ann wrrmeat 2 Sunvanae—A custens tastdens (sage the Seut-Bastorn Cosstt Is this a free country? Shall Britons ever, ever at on v. rector . vee ? . and «minor canta of Bt. Paat's, Loudon, having been absent from his clerical duties a, | ne oe. the questions at out intimation that “a powerful Cob Pony and a Young drive the same” are “wanted to PURCHASE.” mistake, for the word “ atso” distinctly connects the Cob Pony as aa article “ wanted to purchase,” a of a doubt could still remain on our mind, the ami by the concluding intimation that we are to “ address if P., Bristol Morewry Ofice.". It i evident from ‘ony may be without the Young Man, or abe ehiand without the Cob Pony. We cannot write any further on this subject in consequence However laudable may have been the eff burning indignation having boiled away all the the congregation to get up a service in the absence of the our blood dancing in our veins at such a rate that we can no longer there is something rather derogatory to the solemnity guide our fingers.

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PUNCH, OR A NEW WAY OF PLEASING THE PIGS. THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 153 AUSTRIA AT LENGTH DEFIES RUSSIA. “THOU EVER STRONG UPON THE STRONGER SIDE.” THE “SPECIAL” EMPEROR. Wuat more natural than the introduction of the new police We hope our readers will be as much amused as we have been by the following -— NOTICE TO SHIPPERS, SHIPOWNERS, AND CAPTAINS. OHN BELL, Fizsuer, Union Court, 172, Argyll Street, having his attention drawn to the fact, that pigs, when and will eat nothing for a few days, has erected at his own residence, four miles out in the oma, a large Piggery, at very expense, where a stock of Pigs is kept always on hand, completely domesticated, by which the inconvenience above alluded to is avoided, when transferred to ships. And as live stock is now so essential for Passenger Ships, J. B. has always on band at this place, a large Stock of suitable live Sheep and , also Vegetables, Fruit, and Potatoes. We have not been sufficiently versed in the philosophy of Bacon, to have observed the of pigs to fight on board ship, unless they have been previously acquainted with each other by a formal introduction. We certainly were not aware that a scrupulous regard to etiquette was prevalent among the porcine tribe, and that they stood on such very nice points of ceremony, as we should call humbug in pane Salta. and gammon in the pig or other inferior animal. We are now for the first time made acquainted with the fact that the very extreme of fastidious etiquette may be called “going the whole hog,” and we - perhaps to admire the individual who keeps an establish. ment for the purpose of im ig all sorts of boorish brutes into polite piggish society. “A ” is, it seems, kept up at a great for inculcating the brenséances of porcine life, and we ought to be very much, obliged to the gentleman who undertakes the part of Hoee’s [astructor. put aboard ships, if they be strangers to one another, quarrel and | (a 1’ Anglaise) im Paris? Was not the Emperor himself a model “special?” Did not Lours Napoeon, on a certain day in April, turn out in defence of order, and collaterally, it may be, in defence of his own portmanteau in the two-pair back of a modest habitation in the parish of St. James’s? After this, it is true he turned out, or caused others to turn out, in “ defence of order,” on a certain day of December and the turn-out being very successful, why the Empire is the tremendous result. Nevertheless, the future phil ic historian, profoundly diving for canses, will discover in Louis Naroueon’s instinctive love of order, as shown in April in the streets of London—the exile ther keeping watch and ward as a sworn special—the forsworn love of order as triumphant in the streets of Paris, The Emperor, in lieu of a constable’s staff, now flourishes an i i less, we imperial ; neve understand that, in memory of that constabulary even Lovis Napoteon’s staff will be enshrined at the Paris Police Station (the Scotland Yard in French) for the admiration and encouragement of all the foree. Beneath the weapon will run this imseri : “ Courage ! He who was once a special constable, is now an immaculate Emperor!” Plower-Pickers in the Crystal Palace. Two women lave been detected in the grounds of the Crystal Palace picking aud stealing dablias and other flowers. It is understood that, as @ serious warning to their sisterhood in general, the offenders, for having plucked the living flowers, -will be sentenced to wear their bonuets for fourteen years with no flowers at all !

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. | ; r ; | resent persecution ; it was hatched in the bosom of HOW TO TEST A NATION’S PROSPERITY. |Catholie Chureh. Let his enemies prevail, and he knew that in a | a _week—(he would not mention the name of Carpiwat Niceman)—in ant ” the | little week a pair of searlet stockings would sit cross-legged under i rd BY d b “* the editorial desk of the outraged and betrayed en! peri 1 of the oe on| After a very stormy debate, the Pig-and-Whistle’s motion ey at Paris, | Caried by 176 to 140; and five minutes the Editor followed t If we tall, noble, | Motion in sedan-chair. He, however, retires—and we to b — Tha ei| | chronicle the fact—full of honours. Already the London Tavern, the : rw ge kings Freemasons’, Doy’s Chop-House, &c., have voted him the freedom of oy the OM | their establishments. Jor’s has sent him the Order of the yeas’ iat enjoying a ang (io —— C mane Se 9 of =? Welsh Rabbit. ars’ internal peace fe cannot, however, dismiss this case wit imploring the thought- undisturbed Ls any ful reader to mark the great moral and commercial a © the public at large, must result from it. course, as the Witlers are F ' but if, on the contrary, Of » Trees are poor, sickly, |, resolute, so earnest in their determination to have nothing but ah, sak heetes ees | purity health, and strength in their newspaper, they will come to the out down or planted yeater- | capnaiee _ respec to the — ties 44. bar. When an ~~. | editor is cashiered for indulging in suc! as “ nincom = day, I know to a certainty | 16 censor witler can think of ing in us Indicus, Since ay that the country is only!t> have all purity in the Taptub, of shall have the lik just recovering from a y ¥ oe WO, ve t e ~ Jecent vevelution, er stil unedullenated excellence in the glittering pewter ! labouring under somegreat =——— ——— civil convulsion.” He calls the Trees on the Paris | A VIOLENT AGI-TATAR. Boulevards, “The leafy barometers of France.” We cannot sufficiently express our disgust at the Tatar who has hoaxed half Europe by prematurel the fall of Sebastopol. Such a Tatar or Tatur ought to cnet la and severely , ted. At the risk of being considered | THE GREAT TAPTUB CASE! ac make » mouth-piece of a mere Tatar or Taber for A very solemn inguiry has been entered upon, pursued, and carried | false news, “Come, come, let’s have none of this sort of thing again, out by the Black Bull, the White Horse, the Pig-and-Whistle, the Red | 8° Just shut your Tatur trap. | Lion, and other distinguished, well-known conservators and comforters of public morals, public benefactors, and publicans in general; an | inquiry having for its solemn object the discovery of a gifted creature, | who, 4 nature and accomplishment, shall best glorify the Morning Taptub, waking it another morning sun to the gladdened and uplifted eyes and hearts of the human race in general, and of Britons in par- ticular. Very exalting, very gratifying were the speeches made on the occasion ; especially the utterances that were made most musical, most melancholy by their ring of morality and truth. A vain, coarse, un- thinking generation has little thought of the greatness and purity of | purpose animating a Black Bull; has no suspicion whatever of the | deep note of morals and of truth roaring from the chest of the Red Lion. The Three Jolly Pigeons are doves of tenderness, and the Cock | and Bottle, a Cock that turns up a jewel with every scratch ! The Pig-and-Whistle begged to put tne editor of the Morning Tap- tub on his trial. It was =~ that the Japtus demanded the nursing| ~ care of an editor who would join the wisdom of a Minerva with the thunderbolts of Jove; a man whose leaders should be pinks of gen-| — — tility, fragrant and with the dew upon them—fresh from the gardens of | — =— rhetoric, so famous for its flowers. Now, how stood the case ? Led * = | editor was not Mrverva; he hadn’t even the little finger of Jurrrer ==> > and for flowers of rhetoric, what was to be thought of a benighted| _= individual, who, in this age of light and good manners, should so degrade the Taptuéd as to call a rival editor a “nincoumpoop?” (Cheers and sensation.) The Pig-and-Whistle had thought such a word banished from eyery self-respecting tap-room ; nevertheless there it had been | found dimming and defiling the brightness and purity of the Morning Taptub! Again, had not the slambers of Prince ALBert been dis-| turbed by the goose-quill of the editor; a -quill that had been | | ~e to Lyd se —. . — of = - | cane Again, |" = ad not the editor dec the Protestant Chure in danger rom the r " appearance of the many medieval mugs unrestrictedly exhibited in the | THE ABUNDANT HARVEST. crockery shops of Regent Street and the West End? Moreover, the! Twe thanksgiving for the abundant harvest was solemnised, with editor in his sympathy with the Anti-Sabbath-Bung-Bill, had advocated peculiar fitness, in the parish church of Alum-cum-Potato. There, a the extension of the measure, so that on Sundays no day-light might be | miller and a baker ( they were picked out by lot) were compelled to | served between the hours of two and six ; and on no pretence whatever stand in the middle aisle during the service, dressed in a white sheet, should moon or stars shine or twinkle after ten. Viewing these pg in penitence for the high price of bread, seeing that wheat had been so with deep alarm, the Pig-and-Whistle moved that the editor of t o | abundant - and further, each of them being | Morning — should be invited to retire into that privacy of life that “ Crown’d with rank fumiter and furrow-weeds, | his virtues, his morals, and his genius were so well calculated to adorn. | With harlocks, hemlock, nettles, cuckoo-flowers, The Bear-and-Ragged-Staff, in a neat growl, seconded the motion. | Darnel, and all the idle weeds that grow Mr. Eprror rose for his defence. He had travelled much for the | wobeuenr wee chess & Taptub, and not for his own health, hisown pleasure. He had visited| A good significance in these crowns; showing salt mines (salt sometimes being used in beers: he had > * the site | plenty sends us a heavy harvest, there is still the miller and the baker, of the Garden of Eden with a view to grains of Paradise. He had not | the “ weeds” that grow upon the price of our sustaining bread! refused to tread the burning plains of Hindostan with a view to coccu/us | 2 indicus! With respect to the use of the word “ nincompoop ” he | must say, he thought it a good, bold, sinewy word that, properly ap- lied would knock down an elephant, or even break the back of a| known to the Marines that, for the sake of , they may, in rime Minister! As for Parce Aisert he entertained the highest | common with the military, wear moustaches! After this liberal con- respect for that gifted individual, and believed that the feeling was | cession, it is expected that the two forces will act with such unanimity reciprocated with increased intensity. But he knew the object of the | that there will not be a hair’s difference between them. that if benevolent | EEE GE Marixe Priviteces.—The Admiralty have graciously made it

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SELECTIONS FROM PRINCE MENSCHIKOFF’S CARRIAGE. uz Dens or Newcastiz presents his compliments to Mr. Punch, and mm order to avoid the difficulties which arise from the present system of distributing offi- eal information among the daily journals, the Duke begs to say that all in- teresting documents will in future be forwarded to Mr Punch alone, but on the condition, (in which the Dake is assured of Mr Punch’s aequiescence,) that all the journals shal! be at liberty to copy ‘such docu- ments from Mr. Punch’s pages. In conformity with this understanding, the Duke encloses a selection from the correspondence found in the captured carriage of the mince Mens cutKorr. The letters were originally sent to Paris for translation into French, and have been re-translated by ' a Clerk in the Foreign Office, whose grammar has been remarked, upon several occasions, to be very tolerable. Official discretion has, of course, been used in withholding passages which it seemed undesirable to publish. No. 1—A Young Lady of Sebastopol (family name unknown) to Paixce MENSCHIKOFY. “My Dearest Prrvcz, “How amiable of you to propose to me and Marie so charming a pleasure | as that your delightful dil/e? expresses. How truly good of you to reserve for us | she is only 36), and | of it. two front places upon the scaffold raised to enable the ladies of Sebastopol to behold you defeat these wretched French and English. Accept, my dear Prince? Decidedly I accept, with smiles of happiness, for my cousin and myself, and we promise to do your invitation credit by our good Jooks and toilettes, We have already hastened to Mapame Cramrouine (who assures us that though her husband’s name is French, her heart is Russian and your own—there, Prince, and have seeured—but no. You shall see the effect, not hear We only hope that the horrid barbarians will not disappoint us, as you | seem to think possible, and that they wi/l come to the attack. Savages as they are, | would certainly venture down to the Alma. | our places, perhaps you will if they knew how many ladies depended on their boldness for a day’s pleasure, they However, we know you wil! do your best for us, and we are deeply thankful. Our carriage shall be on the field by half-past ten, or a quarter to eleven at latest. If you cannot come to put us into send an aide de camp; perhaps, ce cher petit Pavr Hainenor?. But we leave all to you. “ Toute a toi, Exoise.” No. 2.—Count Oxsentnatier, §/. Petersburg, to Prince Menscorxorr. “ My Dear Patyceg, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON C HARIVARL 155 ‘ No. 4.—Secret Report made to the Prince by an Employé unknown, “In regard to the Colonels your Excellency has named to me, | am able to report, with one exception. B. is merely the creature of T., who has lent him money for gambling purposes. T. is discontent about the last promo ‘tion, and has had nightly interviews with a Jew, pro fessedly a usurer, but probably a spy. V.I have followed home several times ; he resists my advances (in itself suspi- cious); but I have bribed his servant, and obtained some of his letters. I do not think that I have as yet discovered much, but he keeps @ journal, which | shall get sight of . is at your mercy; he 4 lated Paste oo can get at the particulars. might advise, it woul be that your E. should, without exposing him, make him aware of your know and then depute him to bring you information as to private habits of F. and P., to whom | cannot procure aecess, He may wince, but it is better than ruin. The L. is also at your disposal ; he has sold all the bark the medicine chest of the regiment, and has certified, twice, that he has an ample store. I think the Jew, M., sent it to Constantinople for sale; but at any rate the chest, if suddenly opened, will be found empty. The exception [ alluded to, is young P., who had formed a suspicion that 1 was on a scent, and who called me a dishonourable ruffian and a spy, and kicked me down stairs. But he has a love affair, throngh which I shall be able to sound his views. He is a good and amiable young man, This is all at present. May | humbly remind your E. that my promotion will be most acceptable ! “gs” No. 5.—From @ Resident in London (name withheld) to Paince Mensonikorr. “T have received your instructions, but it would be useless and dangerous to attempt to carry them out. | fear that you deceive yourself, and judge our aristocracy by our own. Your offer is munificent, but I should hardly ave made him understand what you wanted him to find out for you before I should be through the window. | | would even risk this for you, but his office is on the first floor, and over a deep area with spikes. His being poor, as you say you have heard he is (it is true), makes no difference. ides, if you had a copy of the instruc tions, it would be too late now. I thank rou much for the £100—never was it more needed—and f earn more, but it is impossible.” No. 6.—From the Empvnon Nicnoias fo Prince MeEnscuikorr. * PRINCE, “T will not recur to the past. I will remember it only in the event of the future resembling it. “You inform me that you ean hold the Alma for three weeks against any force that can be brought against you |For your own e, as well as mine, | am willing to | believe that this time you have not misealculated. “ ], too, have an almanac hefore me. This is the 10th of September [the 22nd N. 8.}. ‘The enemy landed a week ago. He can hardly have attacked you before this time, “T have, as you desired, hinted at your proposal, in the probable event but I give yon the Sth or 9h (20th or 2ist) for the of your capturing the English and French generals, to knout them to death before Pleasure of receiving bim. the army, as @ morai to Europe. He will not hear of it. They are to he instantly forwarded to the capital, in irons. I do not advise you to neglect his wishes. “Yonrs sineerely, 0.” (The writer of this letter is known from the Prinee having endersed it. “From Osestmatier. What I am to do with Ractay,” &c.) No. 3.—Tnrze Mrvister ¢o Parwen Menserreerr. “My Dear Parxcs,? _ “Onno account must you make another mistake. I am not in the habit of using strong expressions, and therefore | trust te you to understand me when | say that no probability, however painful, must be considered as too remote a conse- quence of your deceiving Neva tthe Emperor} again. say that you can hold A for three weeks. From what dropped from Neva, on reading it, | advise you to hold it for six. For things are looking blacker and blacker. We must lave a vietory in the course of the next fortnight. Verbum sap. Qasht I to oh that are, has tm, pubis ne ¢ a goog nee (Prince ASKIEWITCH lately, and hinting that i in t . no landing would have been achieved : ’ “One word more. We have been friends. If you ere deceiving him, send me— before — explosion—powers to get your property over the frontier. Now you unders “ Yours, in anxiety, Nessetnopz.” VOL, XXVIL R Allowing a week for the transmission of news, I shall hens of bis first repulse on the 15th or 16th (27th or 28th], and 1 have ordered iliamimations for one of those nights. “On the last day of the third week from the 9th Septem ber, you will me a apprising me that the enemy is still at bay on the Alma, or you will yourself set out from wherever you may be (resigning the command to our second in saa fe explain to me in person how you | have dared that it ld be ot herwise. | “ With this understanding I fervently imp!ore the blessing of all our holy saints upon you, and | kiss you. “ Your affectionate Father, N.”’ In your despateh to him you | - No. 7.—Intereepted Letter from a Sailor belo ng to the “ Agamemnon,” but om shore at the Old by t, to his brother, a private in the 23rd Regiment. | “Brus vou Beauty, “ aving eotched a Hare right these loins to be tide | Round her po set her loose wereby if She do make sale for Your part of country in this Crymeer You will shoot | Her or Another hoping will Pass this here Loins to |you wich is hooray you would gladly y i heerd the Cappun say |

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_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, as in 3 days time yon be into Them lubberly thiefs and menshykof French, and Italian, and German, in his absence, to the various foreign ruffians wereby i hope you will Give it them as Hot as scaldins and a counts and other aliens who come calling, bowing, scraping, intriguing, good Belyfull of the same wishing i was in your Luck you being None and begging at his house: but the only sexvice which the majority of | the wurse no More at present From your ladies can render their husbands, otherwise than with the needle, is one “ Afect'. brother Jiu. to be performed in the xiTcHEN. Wel a ey this Cottece or Domestic oy wag no The animal to which this missive was attached appears to have °4MMON. It is no sham-ApkaHaM cuncern, got up for the sake of | fallen into the hands of the Russians. The original + been trans. ‘abling fellows in “ « clothes, —— <5 i and green spec- mitted to Parvare Witttam Guitts, whose delight at the receipt was *¢'e% % — about the mission of woman.” it is # genuine under- iamenee.] taking. We are told by its prospectus that— “Everything necessary to the acquirement of a perfect knowledge of domestic economy will be taught.” } And the truly sensible remark is added, that “The Culinary Art will be the leading feature of the education given at the com- mencement, it being the most required.” { It also says that “ The students for practice will be divided into classes of foar or five each, with a servant-student to attend on them and assist them in their operations.” , And it adds this most important proviso, | } |

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omen Le i “ The articles prepared to be consumed at the meals.” I think I have now said enough to recommend this College to your good wishes, and to the patronage of all whom it may concern; that is, almost everybody who has, or expects to have a family. For the con- venience of ladies who merely want to pick up hints, lectures are delivered on soning, hashing, | Barna so on ; admission to which alone may be had; lessons also are given at so much a lesson, I am, Respected Shade, your admirer, PUNCH. Pee Rn ren 2 Punch Office, 85, Fleet Street, October, 1854. = JOHN BULL’S SHARE OF THE BATTLE. I can’t draw the sword, and a helping hand afford, The Emperor or Russia with my own fist to lick ; But I can draw my purse, that the doctor and the nurse May do all that can be done for the wounded and the sick. To hear my money chink, it pains me when I think, Of KaGLan’s gallant army in a state of distress For bandages and lint, without strapping or a splint, And the maimed in want of surgeons their injuries to dress. | My name isn’t Joun if they want diachylon, JOY OF THE MACKENZIE, OF MACKENZIE FARM, AT SiGUT OF THE Or proper hands the plaster and salve to apply, HIGULAN DERS. And to bind up their gashes and close their cuts and slashes, ° And to set their broken bones and their bleeding vessels tie. bat = ’ve got the oot how it apeet - holloa out, And medical attendance to imolore and beg! A COLLEGE OF REAL COOKERY. What a bullaballoo, what a terrible to-do . : t (To the Shade of Cowsutt.) I should make, if I had no one to dress my shattered leg ! Suape, Among Russian foes every shell our ordnance throws, { nore that you fine fellows who have left us look down upon Is as many pounds in money as in weight flang away, us sometimes as you are hovering about, and therefore that your eye And [’ll shell out my brads too, among our noble lads, may meet these lines. Perhaps you know what I am about to tell you ; Dressings, doctors, and assistants to send without delay. but if it be no news to you, it may still not have come yet to the at ale spacings of om people below here, = will see ng erg Well ee oe then, to make no further palaver about the business in hand, [ have to ce il tell you that there is, coals and truly, a Cottece or Domestic A PLAGUE FOR THE CZAR, Economy, established at 54, Devonshire Street, Portland Place, for the Instruction or Lapres, as well as of Female Servants, in Hovse- HoLD Matrens. Long ago | said there ought to be such an Institu- tion. However, you had previously preached the true doctrine (unlike some Parsons whom we know) that education ought principally to consist in teaching those things which the learner’s future Bustvess requires that he or she should know. That is my main reason for writing to you now, to tell you about this College, at which ladies are taught, not Latin and Greek, not ‘Geography, Astronomy, and the Use of the Globes,’ not to Aammer — at the piano; no: but the e Cooxine or Viervats, of all sorts, and the Baxine or Bread, how paitic or only send them to Siberia? This is a question for them to to make Pastry, Pies, and Tarts, and the sort of Glodes called Puppies. . ; _ s That’s zummut like, bean’t it? as we say in Hampshire. Sn grad ar they trust themselves beck again into the hands of Observe, this Cookery Cotiecs is both for /adies and servants, by . - = which latter are meant hired servants; for what do ladies expect to be ‘oo like w bees, but Ps avan TS Fag ee except a few wretched A Policy that Kills. ings meant by nature for old maids, intend to get marr ; and o : : : course every wife is, or ought to be, the sexvayt of her husband. Does ., [T seems that Prussia —— oe influence ont Bund ; but, she not swear to obey him, in the Form or Souemytzation or Marat- f the latter listens to Prussia’s hesitating voice pe pe me eq Aq Moxy (composed by Tow Cranmer) ?—in return for whick oath, on his 2°°e!Y afraid that in a short time the German Bund be very little Wuat will Nicnotas ever do with our Russian prisoners, when we return them on his hands? Undeceived, fentunstea, enlightened, will they be suffered by the despot to intermingle with the rest of their countrymen? But the old tyrant will find it no easy matter to prevent them trom propagating the infection of liberalism and civilisation among his now barbarous and enslaved subjects. No quarantine will purify them from the taint of that distemper, contracted in this island | of freedom. The Knout itself will not flog this poison out of them. | Poor Czar! What will he do with these dangerous fellows? Make | a clean sweep of them with grape and mifrasile, sink them all in the |

ore, his servant she will be, unless she have sworw TOA Lig. Nowa duchess may serve her husband by sitting in a drawing-room and talking, Tus Tae,atTae or Wan.—Prussia is waiting until Half-price begins.”

rt, he swears that he will cherish her, and so forth. Of course, there- better than a Moai-Bunp. |

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We see by the papers, that after the glorious Battle of the Alma, English sailors were to be seen in all directions appropriating to them- selves the boots of the defunct Russians, Jacx first ascertaining whether the boot was likely to fit by trying the flat of his foot against THE “GREAT TRAGEDIAN” AND THE CITIZENS OF LONDON. Tae Citizens of London have been suddenly seized with a strong desire to witness what they call the “masterly impersonations” of Maz. G. V. Brooxe; but “owing to the distance ”—Drury Lane being | about half a mile from Temple Bar—“ thousands” are de-barred the | gratification of their wishes. Under these painful circumstances the citizens finding personal locomotion impossible, and forgetting that omnibuses are running perpetually, while cabs are reduced to sixpence a mile, there is nothing to be done but to get up a requisition; and as | the city can’t go to the great trdedian, the great tragedian must be | induced to go to the city. The individuals through whom this important result was to be achieved were no other than Messas. Jounson and Neson Lez, formerly the spirited proprietors of Ricuarpson’s Show, and now the no less spirited managers of the City of London Theatre. These gen- tlemen put themselves in communication with “several influential patrons” who rapidly took the shape of a Committee, and a “ requisi- tion” was drawn up for si ure by the “ Merchants, Bankers, and Tradesmen of the City of London.” Names were rapidly appended, _ and a long list has been advertised. The list opens very spiritedly with a Churchwarden, followed by an Overseer and a Vestry Clerk, after whom there is a slight drop down of dignity to a “past Churchwarden,” supported languidly by a “ ditto.” After this blaze of parochial power, we begin to iook among the “ Merchants” in the of meeting with one or more of the Bariyes, but we are com to be satisfied with Necus, whose name, but for the address ded to it, would look like a “ weak invention.” The great firms do not figure very largely in the requisition, but the house of Roruscaitp is an ne = | by “E Cuuey ;” and t the Lory Mayor has not signed, there is a string of Foresters come forward to vindicate the dramatic taste of the Mansion House. The Foresters in question are, we presume, the famous thief-takers, whom we are giad to find capable of nobler pursuits than those to which they professionally devote them- selves, and who, by running after Virginius or Macbeth, show that they are not always running after the very worst characters. It is true that we miss the names of most of the great City houses, but we 157 the sole of the dead soldier’s. We think we could name “a party” who would like a little plunder of the same sort from a “ certain Empgror” under the same circumstances. To use aa Irishism, we already “know the length of his fut.” dare say the defect will be cured by Mr. Brooke being able to draw great houses to the City. Some of the addresses appended to the signatures are anything but civic in their sound, and we cannot remember having met with Clapton Rise, Symond’s Inn, or Botheralguerus—the residence of one Matugew —as standing within the precincts of cockneydom. As a directory of the “ principal bankers, merchants and tradesmen” of the City of London, we think the fist would be found somewhat incomplete, but we have no doubt the names, as far as they go, are bond fide enough, and it is at all events a good sign to see a taste for the drama pro gressing amidst any class of the community. PUNCH AND PIO NONO. Somesopy, in a letter to the 7imes, avers that “ One of the Inquisitors told me himself, in his own office, in the Sant Uffizio (the palace of the Inquisition), that the Pors was a figure of Punch (un Polichinello), of which the kings of Europe can pull the strings as they please.” This acknowledgment of what Yankees would call the “ indebted- ness” of the “ Holy See,” to Mr. Punch was very handsome on the part of our friend the Inquisitor. The various likenesses of the Porx, which Mr. Punch has from time to time published, have evidently been the making of his Hotrvess. He is a figure of Punch; acd Mr. Punch is the proper person to pull his strings. The Buropean sovereigns should not do that. They only occasion troubles by working the Roman Pontiff, but when Puach is vis showman, his periormances throw Europe into merely harmless convulsions. April Fool Day in October. Tue canard which announced the fall of Sebastopol rather too soon has been regarded in some quarters as aruse devised by Nicuoxas. But considering the effect it was calculated to produce on the money market, we conclude that it was invented to serve the purpose of a Bull rather than a Bear speculation. A Sraict Vecrrarntan.—He won't take a Pill, uniess he is firmly convinced it is a Vegetable one.

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| into the image of an Angel of Light. | | would have produced the same impression on Lieutenant Royer, if

158 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE MAN WITH THE MILD EYES. and home? Here isa sum for Europe and civilised mankind to do. s oe of And the answer will be a figure to be put down to the account of the Cee Who ad-| man of mild eyes; simply because he cast those eyes of mild desire on ~ oe a on his neighbour's dominions. Bereaved families ; surviving sufferers ; spirits of the slain, send in = him “a a your bills. Governments of Europe—What is the Man with the mild ellow, are reques eyes to pay ? to read the following extract from the! Times—the statement | of an actual witness. OUR MEAN METROPOLIS. The narrator is speak- , , een ing of the earthwork Panis making such a movement in her buildings and her streets, ’ How is it that all improvement here with opposition meets ? — by Siz 9 the Hear the Corporation clamour ; hear the Parish Vestries? row : Hh se - © | How they bark and how they hammer, Centralisation, bow wow wow ! —— Centralisation ! Centralisation ! “The oldest generals | Centralisation! bow wow wow! declare that in no battle heretofore fought have so Paramount some power is winted, noble schemes to carry out, many dead been heaped) Not to be withstood or daunt ; nothing can be done wi Be impos so daperibe Which, when Vested Interests muster, can their sordid spirits cow, to you the frightful seve | And put down their worships’ bluster, and their bark of bow wow wow! pe A tp the Centralisation ! Centralisation ! this fs Centralisation ! bow wow wow! bemeath sieves pen whieh were When the Seine is as the Derwent limpid, if not yet more pure, squares of the Kussian | Of the Thames why does the current run with liquid (pah !) manure ? infantry. The greater Oh! no proper drainage measure will the stingy snobs allow, part of the English killed Whilst they bark in gruff displeasure, Centralisation, bow wow wow ! oe a ners | Centralisation | Centralisation ! five Russians to every Centralisation! bow wow wow! Englishman. ou could not walk for the bodies.’ Wherefore do those clouds appalling still the sky above us cloak, ; tions the Haman body | ..And the blacks continue falling ; when we might consume our smoke ? can suffer—the greans of We forbidden are to do it, though we very well know how, the wounded, the packs,| fy that cry—confusion to it! Centralization! bow wow wow! a anaiie — Centralisation! Centralisation ! a, could the witlers appeal but to the member for Bucks? The a state of things wherein the externa! is conformed to the interior. | right hon. member gave courteous ear to the complaint of the oppressed, Lieutenant Royer may also have made his mind up that the|and would do his best for them. What a change! “May we not Autocrat would order him to be knouted to death, or at the very least trace the noble brain of Bensamus, until we find it stopping a beer- send him in chains to Siberia. He never read the stories about es barrel!” We would advise the author of the Great Taptubopolis to ov Ap be ayy Ae Ad gentlemen te thele oat ye enter Parligment, and boldly intercept the wreath of hops in its way to ower— eir purpose. e brow of Disgazxt. subdued the hungry glare wherepith thir wand disposed to regard the | . strangers te an anne of great ee No ye ei pee | was “much amused” at his captive’s exhibition of “surprise an embarrassment” when he set he at liberty : as much, doubtless, as | TO MOTHERS OF NEW SHE-BABIES. old Rormscnitp used to be at the astonishment of the beggar to| =e : i asking w hom he would occasionally throw a guinea, for fun. é a Mr re = Behe Go o> 2 clighted . lo give N ¥ HOLAS - Cus (qqeced ing ~ the adage) ry a fine - mg (if you are sensible women) with my recommendation. n actor on the stage of real life and a hypocrite, are the same thing. on Having a foul name to cleanse in the eyes of the’ British Public, whai|_,\OW-a 7", wants 4 swoet pretty name for he finest Indy baby ever

| dodge would it be more natural for him to try than that ef doing the magnanimous to the English prisoner? Gustavus Vasa Brooke ALMA. ‘ : : What do you say to that? For whether as a ty-looking and Vea beer ving the Czag Jn Roxasorr’s boos andi Gusta) euphocioys name, of Whether othe memorial of & briliat vitor, o Sinope, Oltenitza, Citate, Bomarsund, the Heights of Alma; per-| Whether for its own -—r siguification—geatle—the name haps, ere this, Sebastopol {—given these scenes only of carnage : oe strikes me as perfection. ( me hear your opinions. large a mound of corpses: what heaps of lost limbs: how numerous a Your affectionate Friend,

| variety of lacerations, and attendant agonies: what amount, in tuns,| Crimea, Tuesday. PUNcH.

_ ee ——_ —-—- +

lof bloodshed how many wretches starved, ruined, burnt out of house

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Puncn, No. 698.

ith | NAKY, ! i eM ARMS. IN f cf", Z

N me <a en © ow = lft, 2 ~y ~ SSS ~ -—~< = —“ Octopger 21, 1854]

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BRITANNIA TAKES THE WIDOWS AND ORPHANS OF THE BRAVE UNDER HER PROTECTION. Ocroper 21, 1854.) Pencn, No. 693.

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LIEUTENANT MAXSE’S RIDE. Arter Alma’s glorious battle, Ractay, having changed his plan, Said, “I wish Duwpas could know it.” “ Well,” said Mase, “then I’m your man.” * Would,” said Ractas, “he could bring his fleet to Balaklava Bay.” Maxsz said, “T’'l ride back, then, to him, and inform him what you say.” “ But,” said Raciay, “ my good fellow, round us hover the Cossacks, Thousands of those rascals seour the country.” “ They be dashed!” said Maxse. “ But, in ease the thieves should caich me, write not what you have to tell, I by word of mouth will bear it.” Raciay answered, “ Very well.” Maxsz forthwith upon his pon t, and galloped right away, van Se braye spectators yep him, shouting “ Hip, hip, hip, ooray |” On the army’s track returning, through the tangled wood he sped, Dashing mid the stiffest thickets, which he butted with his head, Down before him goes the cover; hazel, and young oak, and ash ; And the hares and rabbits scamper round him while the branehes crash, At the sticks full tilt he charges ; every stick, that bends not, cracks, Brambles tear his coat and trowsers: go it, pony! go it, Maxss! Through the forest, through the meadow, Maxsz for dear life rides his race ; Time there’ none to look behind him: Cossacks may, or not, give chase. Bullets after him ae whistle ; whizzing by he hears them not, Why? — nae rave Ligutexants gallant steed outstrips the shot, Hedge, ditch, wall, gate, fence and paling, brook and rivuletjhe clears, Swims the torrent, having plunged theremto souse! head over ears, Tramples pigs, and scatters sheep and goats that on the pastures browse, Goes clean over the old women, and the oxen, and the cows. Farmers raise, in Crim-Tartaric, shouts which correspond unto Don’t go ridun mongst they turmuts! this field don’t belong to you!” “ Halloa, fright’nun them there cattle!” “Hoy, there, tearun up them grapes ! ” Maxse ~ heeds nor hears their elamour ; like the crow’s his flight he shapes. Splashed and tattered, but triumphant, smoking, dripping, drenched | with heat. He has reached the shore commanded by the French and English Fleet, | Maxse is safe, and safe delivers what he was desired to say, So the Admirals their vessels bring to Balaklava Bay. When the youngest child now living is a fogy, grey and old, By his mouth this deed of deslag wel full many a time be told, To the rising generation Astley’s shall present the scene, | Oftentimes, when you and [ are laid at rest in Kensal Green. | A NEW SHAKSPEARZAN READING, Ah !—that is, of course, if they can, f It is suggested that, on the revival of King John, the taunt o Faleo to dustria, of “and hang « calf’ eskin on those re-| calf’s-skin,” “bear’s-skin” should henceforth be creant lim 3 Be substituted, | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 163 DEFEND YOUR MAYOR, Mr. Puncn, in token of the affectionate and devoted leyalty which he feels towards the new King of the City, and being desirous to protect his civic sovereign from a mass of wit, which there is too much reason to believe would otherwise be launched against his Majesty, doth hereby order as follows : That no person do, for the space of one year from Lotd Mayor's Day next ensuing, presume to make any jokes whatever founded upon the fact that his lordship’s name is spelt with the same letters as that of the luminary which is appointed to attend upon this earth. And with the view of better preventing much dreary jocularity, the following, and all kindred witticigms, though included in the above order, are specially forbidden. If the Lory Mayor should not attend upon any occasion when his lordship has been expected, no one is to say that the Moon is eclipsed. If the Lonp Mayor’s health is drunk, to reply, is to say, “ Ri e Moon. no one, as his lordship proceeds | If the Lonp Mayor gees to Windermere next autumn, no country | journalist is to head his account of such excursion, “The Moon’s on the Lake.” | Ifthe Lon» Matom makes a remark, no one is to call it a Lunar | Observation. If the Lonp Mavor knocks an down (and it is to be hoped that in the case of any violation of these orders, his lordship will do so either nally, or by athletic deputy), such person is not to be calle Moonstruck. | If one of the Renmei omnibuses comes between the Lorn Mason end a spectator, latter is not to talk of the Moon behind la 0) | If the Lornp Maron invites Cuantes Keay, Ma. James | Anpersoy, Ma. Gustavus Baooxz, Hicks, Ma. Wewrwortm Burien, and Ma. Jaues W. d dinner, no theatrieal journal (even if his lordship survive the occasion) is to quote anything about “ The Moon and the Seven Stars.” | Ifthe Lory Mayor requests Miss Caruznrwe Hares to sing at the Mansion House, no person is to predict wet weather the fact of ALLACK to there being a Haze near the Moon. If one of those wonderful correspondents of the Su Times, who ask for the most elaborate antiquarian and phi information tes always with (how pore that Harpw’s Dictienary of a reply) should ot have inquired what is the height of the Lonp Mayor, our learned, but still facetious contemporary is not to say— “You are wrong. The Moon’s altitude is 5 feet 10 inches.” If the Lenp Mayor is upon any particular occasion more witty than ag (if possible), no person 1s 1 comet “The Moon shines to-night.” | If the Lornp Mayor looks at the thermometer to see whether the weather be warmer or colder than that of the preceding day, no | Baxgay Su a nem. f. | astrological donkey is to say that the Moon is in apposition to Mercury. | first under one, the handle to be worked by PUNCH. The Deserted One of Downing Street. Any pou violating any of the above rules is to be liable, for the | offence, to SS aed a Pump, and for the second, to be placed | Tae Court Newsman informs us, that on Tuesday “the Lord Chan- | cellor arrived in town.and visited the Duke or Newcastie.” Tt was | very kind and considerate of the Chancellor to come to town and look in upon the Duke, who, while all his colleagues have been enjoying their vacation, has been “ alone in his glory” in Downing Street. His Grace would have had a dull time of it indeed, but for an occasional | conversation with the porter who fills the Government scuttles, and who ‘came into the Duke’s room now and then for the purpose of carrying coals to NewcastTLe. The University of the Army. We congratulate our ar j ) pl education has made in the British army. It isa 1 dg ying fact that the officers and men constituting the ¢ to runea have @l taken high honours at their Alma Mater. Not Always so Easy. Ove of the provisions of the Oxford University Reform Act is, that “ Statutes may be made and altered, and the Congregation may speak in English.” A Sare Race.—Muscovite has won the Cesarewiteh this year, How could he help it, with the example of a Ty ee running of bis name- sakes on the Alma race-ground, before hi zEN and our country on the that |

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if 164 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. — | a Ww cas | » “A ' ta Yt? \h - ’ _—_ — SF "SF {iW ] i}f AU@TRIA, HAVING DULY WEIGHED THE CHances OF THE Present War, THs EMPZROR OF THE FRENCH TO CONGRATULATE HIM UPON THE SuCUESS OF THE ALLIES IN THE CRIMEA. POVERTY AND PROPERTY. A woman of poverty (her name is not given by the Incumbent of Haggsestone), together with her family, make the most heroic sacrifices in aid of a “tamily upstairs,” fellow-lodgers, visited h the cholera. Children die, other children are smitten, and the mo asks leave to lie down awhile “ in the bed belonging to the other family.” She does so, and— “From that time until her own death, which took place yesterday morning [Oct. 6), the whole of the second family have never had their clothes off, nor have they laid down on a bed; and this act of self-denial has been borne without a murmur or complaint.” j This is only another illustration of the benevolence of the poor towards the poor. Without the poor, what would the poor do?—is an old, | searching question: a question that may, at times, put property to the | blush in the attempt to answer it. To this benevolence of poverty, | let_us Bow oppose a case of the selfishness of property. The scene is Worship Street Police Uffice. A lady named Rostnson, “the owner of large leasehold property in Marlborough Court and other places in Whitechapel,” is complained ot by Inspector Price (a most vigilant and enlightened officer), for neglect of sanitary precau- tions. In Marlborough Stye, the inspector— “Found the houses so densely oceupied by tenants of the lowest class, each room being apparentiy tenan'ed by a separate family, that upon counting the tenants, who | were in many inst P ly huddled together, he found there were no less than 157 grown-up persons of both sexes, and 111 children.” And yet can it be said—pecunia non ole¢ ? Has, indeed, lucre no smel! —no taint—when obtained by way of rent for such dens of disease ; such cholera-beds, but one remove from charnel-places ? “ There was a total ab of the drai , the l had overflowed, | forming it pools in the yard, from whieh wan entead ~~ of the — pestilent character. Several cases of cholera had occurred among the | hed inhabitants, and the conti of such a revolting nui was calculated | to engender disease of the worst description.” Yet, possibly, this fact did not break the nightly rest of Mas. | Rostwson. She, it may be, still enjoyed “ rosy s and slumbers | ya sunbeams from cucumbers since it has 2 2 4 iain t,” the weekly rents still accruing. Mas. Rosixson’s agent | MAKING GAME OF POETRY. We shall no longer despair of the project for extracting i Som found practi- cable to get a poem, in four cantos, out of the e of Cugss. for some time past we have noticed the advertise- ment of the work to which we allude, and we may therefore look in due time for “ Backgammon, an Epic in sixteen books,” and “ Dominos, a Lyric in six octavo volumes, with a supplement in three.” Since the happy days of prolixity, when Perersporrr launched on the world his famous “ Abridgment ” in nineteen volumes, and his equally famous to equal the poem of chess in four cantos—extra boards. Nevertheless, the subject is not a bad one for the t’s art. The ground work is chequered, the King and ) wowin give scope for the introduction of the dignifying element of royalty, the knights open the way to romance, the castles are suggestive of chivalry, the bishops invite the poet to a display of ecclesiastical learning, while the pawns lead naturally to the necessitudes, disappointments, and unredeemed pledges of every day life. Altogether there may be many inferior subjects for a poem, than the subtle game of chess, J ' if rrr ry. Mh Me eis t= | i b if cL ss Jonathan's Baby Show. A Snow of American babies—according to the Cincinnati Gazetle—was to take place in Springfield on the 5th instant. The prizes were various. There were to be three complete silver tea-sets for the mothers of the three finest babies of three different ages. Doubtless, it is very right that the mothers of the finest babies should be rewarded, but are the sires to have nothing? If this omission be not amended, it is thought that the fathers will strike. Decline of Irish Humour. Ir has been for some time remarked that the Irish character is undergoing an alteration. The Belfast Trade Report confirms this observation. It states that WRITES TO “ Yarns continue as dull as possible.” A complete change, therefore, appears to have taken place in the character of Irish anecdote. implored for time ; “hoped the magistrate would suspend the immediate execution of the summons,” as the herd of lodgers should very soon be mut in lavender. Mar. Hawaii, however, was obstinate, and Mrs. Renenees must immediately set about cleansing her Marlborough stye. Possibly, too, she would like to make some reparation for past neglect ; in which case we beg to refer her to the incumbent of Hag: gerstone, who will gladly be her almoner for her poorer and more heroic sisters. WHITE FEATHERS. How wonderfully easy does the British officer make a seeming impossibility! Im the field of battle Le wears the white feather, yet uever shows it. , addenda in about sixteen more, we have met with nothing | lie bl ae “See a wee MAAALL 1111) ne oe 2a ae

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——— WHYS FOR Mr. Powncu has a kindred respect for clever people, and will therefore be proud to make acquaintance with any constant reader who can tell bm— Why do authors who profess the most profound contempt for prefaces invariably write one? Why is it not thought “ the thing” to call for beer at a dinner party, or be seen in Regent Street beyond the middle of August ? Thy can Constant Readers never write a letter without an allusion to “ your influential columns ?” Why do public singers, even when off duty, apparently consider it derogatory to shave themselves ? * Q = yoo — f = Rae > b A. Ak, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE WISE. Why can you by no persuasion ever get a man to own that he has ever won above “a crown or so” in a night at loo ? Why cannot a business man in Parliament pronounce the word “Schedule” otherwise than “Sheddle,” and why cannot a concert critic describe a singer’s voice without calling it an “ organ ?” Why can fashionable people never condescend to write at all legibly ? Why can Undergraduates never offer you acigar, except by its slangy synonym of “ weed ?” Why should a cabman or a Brompton bus conductor act as though he would lose caste by treating ladies civilly ? And lastly— Wuy cannot your Wire TRAVEL ror A WEEK WITHOUT TAKING WITH HER LuGGaAGE ror A TwELVEMONTH ? OUR ANTI-PRUSSIAN BLUES. Tue “ curious observer” may have recently remarked that the police- man is no longer identified with those white Berlin gloves which from the very foundation of the force have been one of its most prominent characteristics. We have often wondered where could be the analogy between the policeman and the white Berlins, and we have sometimes imagined that the spotless gloves were emblematical of stainless hands, or of a readiness to cope with the light-fingered gentry in general. Having for some time “ lost ourselves in speculation,” as the poet says when he has nothing to speculate with, and only himself to lose, we at length came to the conclusion that we had discovered the cause of the abandonment of the Berlin, and the substitution of the black worsted glove by the Metropolitan Police. The fact is that the Berlins are discarded because we are no longer hand in glove with Prussia, of which we need not remind the careful reader of Poswock that Berlin is the capital. We have no doubt that the casting away of the Berlin glove by the police authorities is a pointed method of throwing down the gauntlet to Prussia, which until it unites with us in arms, ought not to be permitted to receive our hands. | A SPECTACLE POR CIVILISED EUROPE. How little the Russian War has made itself felt in the money | market! We do not see the Czar in the Stocks. No: but we should } like to see him in the Pillory, —— ———— _ GOING, GOING, GONE! Ar last Mr. G. V. Brooxe has removed his carmine and hare’s foot from Drury Lane Theatre. At one time there were signs of avery severe winter, for we thought that G. V. had set in until at least Christmas. But he really is gone, having—ere his departure—with his customary benevolence played for the benefit of the Licensed Victuallers’ Charities (the ex-editor of the ’ Tizer did not sing a comic song as was expected), and further, having consented to sit for his portrait as a sign—The G. Vs Head, a sign that will be substituted by the owner for the present Bull and Mouth. Mr. Brooxs being about to take a long voyage to the Antipodes, the Licensed Victuallers presented the actor with an affectionate and no less fitting testimonial; namely, a cork-jacket manufactured from their own bungs ! wee We wish the actor a speedy and prosperous voyage! But if his ship has to encounter as many puffs at sea as he has raised about him | ashore—why then Heaven help the underwriters ! Another Brutal Assault. Next to the Emrgnon or Russta, perhaps no one has of late so much disturbed our peace as the perpetrator of the following :— Q. Why is a lean dog like a man in meditation ?’—4, Because he’s a | thin cur.

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166 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL A BROADSIDE FROM THE BLACK SEA.—Y. THE RE-KINDLING OF THE BEACON. “ The Russians had abandoned the light-house on the Western Cape, and extinguished the beacon. Wut the Russians, cowed and craven, Under Abktiar's batteries hide, Deep m Balaklava’s haven Lo the fleets of England ride ! Since the tall mast gilt and graven Of the Viking, far and wide, Bore the bloody-heaked Norse Raven— No such Flag all flags defied ! Yet how many flags that water Hath reflected, since of yore i ' } Shipwrecked wretches, saved for slaughter, | Stained the Taurian temple’s floor ; Where pale Acamemnon’s danghter As the votive lock she shore From a victim’s head they brought her, Knew a brother’s face once more. Here the grim Varangian rover, His sea-dragons would embay : Stalwart swordsman, lusty lover, Frank at feast, and freck in fray. All the world’s wide waters over, With his war-axe cleaving wayf; Hovering, as the ospreys hover, Ere they swoop apon their prey. Hither came Byzantium’s galleys, Gilded stems, and sails of grain, For the wine of Ktenian valle s, And the corn of Taphre’s plam. Hither, on their venturous sallies, Genoa sent her merchant train— Fraudful friends, and treacherous allies, Keen for conquest, as for gain. Where the Chersonese advances Westernmost to meet the sea, Stands a beacon-light that dances O’er the waters, watchfuily ; Through all changes, and all chances, Through the night that Pharos glances, For wave-wandering eyes to see. Cymric hands its fires have tended ; Greeks have fed its friendly blaze; Dark Khazars its flame have mended, Norse Vikinger nursed its rays. Tatar hordes, heir way that wended Hitherward trom Akhtiar’s bays, Still the helpful light defended, Guide o’er ocean’s darksome ways. Till—when both Khazar and Tatar, Norse and Greek had passed away, When proud Genoa ceased to barter, nd the Moslem ceased to slay— Russia’s lascivious daughter, Witch in wiles and man in sway, After Tscuesmét’s fearful slanghter, Saw these shores her nod obey. Since that day, the beacon seorning To be dimmed, whoe’er its lord, Still the brow of night adorning O’er the sea its light has poured. But no more like star of morning the sailor ‘twas adored— Gui gave it none, but warning Frem a coast aceurst, abhorred. Far it shone—the scene revealing Of dark deeds that shame our time ; Where men thrive by double-dealing ; And the basest highest climb ; Where foal fraud kills noble feeling, Where free speech or thought is crime, Outward polish ill-concealing Barbarous nature ‘neath its slime. For a time, bat not for ever Such things are—to shame our pride. Our men have éecupied the tower and re-kindled the light.”— Letter from the Sea of War. But Gon’s justice slumbers never, Though the sword awhile she hide. Lo, at length, the chains to sever, ‘That have stretched so far and wide, And the nations to deliver, France and England side by side ! Cowed before that high alliance, Russia’s hosts are fain to flee, While, in glorions defiance, Our great navies sweep the sea. Strong in justice—in reliance On our cause, what fear can be ? Shall slavish gold or slavish science, Or slavish myriads daunt the free ? On that . the Russian flying, owt fee's and nntas bald, the ying " n its , black yey was well done—for in ing ital Gone feos days of olid— s defying— Emblem of their fate behold. Russia’s star for ever faded As that beacon sunk in gloom ; But bold hands by true hearts aided, Take knaves’ and cowards’ room. Hither their blood they ‘ve waded, The er to re-illume— Shine again! nor e’er be s Till the awfal day of doom—~ Shine—a light that none shall smother— Shine across an open sea Shine, for brother greeting brother ; Shine, for slavery made free ohize, ay opel love of ach ofher i commerce, ; Shine, for Progress—mi pd vd Whoso uppermost may be, Of the good that yet be ' DOUBLEU BEESIORAUS, = ———==7 roresson Owen has hitherto exhibited PB | no specimens of this animal. Every- body has a passing acquaintance with | the Plesiosaurus, the Megatherium, | and so forth, that the visitor sweeping | round the corner on his way to the | Crystal Palace, bebolds in grim repose amid pre-Adamite deposits; but, we marks the good old time of corn laws, | top’ boots, and leather breeches, that NS} animal specimen is only to be found LL) # Castle Hedingham. The creature— s=am for some strange, mysterious purpose ~ | —endowed for a time, with articulate a————— | sutterance, talked to the agricultural mind. The Doubleubee observed— “T waut to know nothing more than what I already know of Popery,” a fact very gratefully received by the company. And then the Doubleubee spoke of “that rascal Frewxer;” also of a letter written to that individual, in which that letter speaks of “stron religious and Protestant principles as to my mind the foundation o true conservalism.” Perjury may sometimes come to the help of conservatism, just as pepper gives heat and flavour to cookery. DousLeusex confessed to the remorse of having voted against his conscience for Sin James Granam, whom he never could abide ! “ Talented as he is, I newer could bear that evil eya, that sinister look, that brazen meretricious leer, and the braggart, impadent face which he puts on to cover as dastard a heart as ever beat beneath a coat!” This is a good specimen of strength of werds! Among the pre- Adamite animals, there are marvellous indications of power, but nothing equal to this. The M had, it is supposed, a most wonderful swing of tail, but what is that when, with the above in our we think of the of the Doubleubeesi strength of cheek, and invincible power of jaw ! repeat it, the Doubleubeesioraus, that | 2 | tors, but THE SPIRIT OF FOLLY, Tue following advertisement opens out a perfect Australian cold field with hich anackery and humbug may still no doubt be tempted to extend their “ diggins.” We had ght all the forms of imbecili'y had temp peasy well worked up in the hands of swindlers and impo:- we have a new phase of intellectual softness, offering its plastic self to the manipulations of the regular professional victimiser or the artful dodger : GENTLEMAN, curious in such matters, wishes to find a person capable of SEKING and BHOWING VISIONS in the CRYSTAL, or otherwise acquainted with Spiritual Divination. Address to “ Box,” at G. Ramsden’'s, Stationer, Vicar Lane, Leeds. We see scarcely any limit to the amount of “visions” which will be offered to the guilibility of this confessedly “curious” gentleman. We can imagine the rapid succession of “ visions,” complete with “ baseless fabries”’ which would be mnted to the advertiser by an adroit schemer on the Stock | ome We can fancy the beantiful “ bubbles” that could be blown expressly for the gentleman desirous of “seeing visions,” and we can conceive his admiration and surprise at seeing them dissipated into “thin air,” and thus substantiating—by | their total want of substance—their visionary character. ‘There may , also be another class of visions introduced to the notice of the “ curious |“ Crystal” its indomitable | gentleman” through the medium of the “crystals” or glasses, an¢ that “ spiritual” agency—ineluding cordial and other compounds—to whieh the “ gentleman” seems to point in the latter part of his adver- tisement, “ Visions’’ may be seen at any public house by placing the nently to the mouth, provided the “Crystal” is fully charged with that “spiritual” essence, which our advertising friend has alluded to. We do not envy the postman the work he will have to do in carrying the correspondence that will be addressed to “ Box” —a characteristic name no deubt, theugh we think some softer wood would have been more appropriate. Kvupos ron Dowatp.—The Rassian snake has been scotehed at Alma; and it is by no means extraordinary that in that operation 4 leading part should have been taken by the 9$rd Highlanders. a

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 167 | | EXPRESSIVE DOUBLEFACEDNESS. E hear that the eagle of Prussia, for the future, is to be drawn with two heads in- stead of one. This change has been a- dopted, in order that it may the more closely resemble the eagle of Russia in all its attitudes. Be- sides this double front will fit most admir- ably into its old di- plomatic habits of duplicity, and even grace them like an appropriate orna- ment. Not only will they be ornamental, but also extremely useful, for with two heads Prussia will be able to look two ways at once with the greatest ease. We have been fa- voured with a private view of the intended alteration, and find that, to suit the present aspect of European affairs, | me head of the Prussian eagle is turned towards the East, leaning decidedly in favour of Russia, whilst the other head is looking coldly to the West, but slightly, very slightly inclined in the direction of England and France. The change bas been submitted to the King, and he has been pleased to highly approve of it, and indeed an emblem of Prussia with two heads could not Mend be otherwise than agreeable to a monarch who, it is well known, is always having two minds. “A BLIGHTED BEING,” Mr. Rossow, at the Olympic, great as he is in his wretchedness, is not the only blighted | being. There is also a Blighted Being in the French, namely M. Barnes. He is! released from gaol, and he is broken hearted! His prison doors, by imperial command, are thrown open, and what lies before him? The sunny path of liberty ? Certainly not; but the wide, wide, cold, cold world: its road strewed with shards and skirted with briars. He was happy, quiet, and content in his stone dungeon, as toad im the heart of a block of marble: but the stone is broken, daylight is let in, and it is too much for the eyes and brain of the liverated. He is from that moment a blighted being, scorched, withered, | paralysed by the quality of mercy, dew-like descending upon him, What right had the imperial despot, Lovis Naporgon, to degrade the patriot Barsés with the blighting| gift of freedom? M. Bansks was patriotically at work cutting on blade-bones, ‘in beautiful relief, a whole series of scenes of the coup d’état. Those bones—like the engraved tin-cups of Baron Trexck—would have perpetaated the memory of that gigantic | wickedness ; and now, with the twentieth blade-bone in his hand, he is turned forth into that wilderness, the outside world! Who is to wonder that Barsts should kick, bite, spurn at such tyranny? How writes he,—the noble, bursting heart?—‘“I shall pass two Paris to allow time to replace me in prison, and that period once over, on Friday night I shall go into exile.” He has been as good and as bitter as his word; he is now in Brussels, we hope on his way to London; when—such is sympathy—he must visit the Olympic Theatre. Great will be the attraction to behold at the same time Two Blighted Beings !—Roxsson blighted on the boards, and Barsés blighted in a stage-box ! THE GROWTH OF A NEW SUBURB. Frrst come the masons ard bricklayers. As the houses begin to rise from the ground, / @ public-house shoots u suddenly at the corner. After the publican, come in due time the | pauper of, the Lawyer never leaves it. baker, grocer, and butcher, who are quickly followed by the tobacconist, and the barber, who sells peg-tops and newspapers on the Sunday. The doetor follows next, and after him comes, »s a matter of course, the undertaker; and lastly, when the new Suburb has fairly settled down, and has got , water, new milk, and a policeman of its own, arrives the Lawyer. The arrival of the | ono is always a sure sign that the new Suburb is getting on well, and it is a singular fact, that though the Lawyer is generally the last to come, he is | invariably the last to go. The poor-house soon rears its chevaur-de-frised head as a natural consequence, and as long as there is a pauper in it, or a man in the new Suburb to make a) Ones firmly located, nothing short of an earthquake, or universal emigration, or perpetual cholera, will get him to move—but then we know it 5 | not in the nature of a lawyer to be easily moved. A Proper Precaution. Tue French band“of the Emperor’s “ Guides,” who are to visit us to play in aid of the Soldiers’ Fund, have, before venturing to London, had the Solicitor of the Dramatic Authors’ Society bound in a very heavy bond that, being the last French novelties, they shall not be translated into English. — VOL, XXVII. 3 ays at ~ WHAT IS THE GERMAN’S FATHERLAND ? Wnuart is the German’s Fatherland ? The world would like to understand, And why the German holds it worth More than another tract of earth ? Is it a Jand of bright sunshine ? Is it a Jand of corn and wine ? Abounding, all the world ahove ? That Fatherland which Germans love. Who, for itself alone, ¥ ould prize The land of finest scenc s and skies ? Or care a fig about its {rnits, If they but served to fatten brutes ° The Fatherland of Germans, then, Should be a land of noble men ; A land of arts, and arms, and lore, Their Fatherland should be, therefore. In learning, glorious art and song, The German’s Fatherland is strong : Arms, too, the brave Teutonic brerd To wield, like men, are good at need. But parcelled out that land we see Which should be all entire and free ; Each weak state owns a despot’s rule : One strong one that of one weak fool. With strings of apron basely tied, By means of sister or ot bride, Are these mere satraps of the Czar To their Imperial Master’s car. What, Germans! honest men, and true, And shall they also harness you ? You to that p te shall they bind Whose wheels but move to crush mankind ? If you will crouch, and kiss the ground, Before those poor old women crowned, The dirt, whereon you dare not stand, That is the German’s Fatherland. A HANDSOME OFFER! Tue following appears in an Irish paper :— ADVERTISEMENT. N extensive Landed Proprietor on the Banks of the Shannon, will make a Wager of £500 that he has» The Handsomest Wife, The Handsomest fine Children, The Bandomnest Estate in Ireland. Application to be made to J. F. E. G., Evnes’ Hotel, Glin, Co. Limerick. In these days, when Prize Baby Shows are coming into fashion, we may expect a pretty strong competition for the £500, offered by the “extensive ”’ Landed Proprietor. If the term “extensive” is to be applied to the “ person- alty” rather than the “realty”—to the man rather than his property—we wonder he does not throw himself into the scale, and make his own weight the subject of a wager. The Lord Mayor's Day. Ir has been proposed to omit or very much to abridge the luxuries of the Lonp Maron's dinner, giving the money to the Soldiers. To do this, to pay down ringing sovereigns so saved, would i be to e “ the voice of the turtle heard in the land.” Tue Croax or Rewicion.—It is to be known sometimes by the fine zap it has during sermon time. Pe lee nya

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ‘WHERE 'S MISS CRUVELLI—CAN ANY ONE TELL‘? ”” Manamomwetsce Carvers: has most anaccountably missled. She was announced » appear on Monday last at the Grand Opera; and the sudience had setually assembled and the curtain was ready to rise, when it was a d to the astonished or that the prima downa had not arrived. * * © The only additional nformation which could be obtained was that she had started for some knew where, and no one knew why. There was nothing for it but to apologize and Mavemotme..e Porssor would perform the part— who did so with J 1 such spirit that Mavewometie Caoreccts absence was much less regretted than he perhaps imagined it would be. iat what has become of Mapewoms_ie Carvers? know. Bome say she bas gone to America, seduced by the mighty others say «he was dissatisfied beeanse her name did not appear on the s in large characters; others, agein, aay that she was displeased with the part La Nonne Senglante, Bat no one here is surprised, and few are Correspondent of the Chronicle, Waat has Miss Cav- VELLI done, And why has Miss Cavve.ui run ? \» The manager can’t \ a Sut Ye knows she’s | cut away, | And Muss Porysor thinks it monstrous q fun—fon— #/) And Miss Portnsor thinks it monstrous fun. Off, like a bullet from a gun, Off, like a Quaker from @ pun, Off, self-willed Sorny goes, Not a word to friends or foes; Not a line of explanation —none—none— Not a line of explanation—none. When Jenny gave the sack to Buwn, When Joanna by great Gye was won— The ladies let us know Why they served the parties so. Not one word from Mrs. Sopny—one—one— Not one word from Murs. Sopuy—one. Was it Barnum (that unequalled son Of puffing) with a tempting ton Of nuggets, made her shirk Her duty and her work ? With her salary it couldn’t be a dun—dun With her salary it couldn’t be a dun, Did the printer make her angry, mun ? Or was it that she sought to shun A part she thought too bad, ‘Too comic, or too sad And she wouldn’t be a Bleeding Nun—Nun— And she wouldn’t be a Bleeding Nun ? She was forced down London throats like a bun, Or objectionable Sally Lunn. The Zimes and Morning Chronicle In puffs we thought ironical, Bawled her praises in a way fit to stun—stun— Bawled her praises in a way fit to stun. But our public is a stubborn sort of Hun, And wouldn’t hail the new moek-sun ; But, owning she had merit, Lots of voice and lots of spirit Stayed away, as it oughtn’t to have done—done ~ Stayed away, as it oughtn’t to have done. But in Paris with success she begun, (The Freneh like their music underdone) Now, the Chronicle can tell ye How its ancient pet, CauveLt, Deserved the gold opinions that she won—won Deserved the gold opinions that she won. If a twopenny Prime Lady at Vite Cun- Dick Ouse from the proscenium hath spun, Ere again they let her play, She must tell the Abonnay BO one | Why she left ’em with her work andone—done— Why she left ’em with her work undone. But Souls made of Fire (Soruy’s one), « And talented young Children of the Sun, (Which means, you know, my dears, ‘Them gifted Foreigneers) May do what they like, and eall it fan—fun— May do what they like and call it fan. ENCOURAGEMENT FOR ARMY SURGEONS. W wetuer our forces have, or have not, been provided with sufficient surgical aid in the Crimea, it appears that the French troops at least have been well off in that respeet. Our allies have adopted a remarkably clever plan to ensure a plenty of good surgeons for their wounded soldiers and sailors With a wisdom which must astonish our Govern- ment, they afford them the same inducement as other officers to serve their country. For imstance, according to the Mowiteur, M. Lav- VERGNE, first physician-in-chief in the navy, has been promoted to the rank of officer, in the Legion of Honour. Evenordimary medical prac- titioners are accounted by the French Government members of an honourable profession : for in the same paper we read that two surgeons, MM. Macrert and Lampert, have been appointed Chevaliers of the Legion of Honour, for their devotion to the sick during the raging of the cholera at Toulon. In this country the highest distinction awarded ordinarily to medical men is no higher than that ordinarily awarded to eminent grocers. Government does not consider a doctor to be, as such, too much of a philosopher to care about titles. It knights him by way of reward for merit. It thinks his profession as dignified as that of a tea-dealer, and no more. In these days of degenerate knighthood a snob, as aristocracy calls a tradesman, may be made a knight of; and aristocracy regards surgery and medicine as rather snobbish avocations, and a regimental surgeon as doing a lowish kind |of duty even when performing a capital operation with a cool head and a steady hand amid a shower of bullets, sustaining the highest courage, | without the excitement of fighting, under fire. A LARK AT ST. PAUL’S, KNIGHTSBRIDGE. A Lark is all very well for young gents in its proper place, but a church is not exactly the proper place for it. Master Eanest Fitzroy and his juvenile associates have been a little too froli¢some in sky- larking, by singing, contrary to the arrangements of the service, the Litany, at St. Paul’s, Knightsbridge. There are plenty of where they might render themselves conspicuous in the character of monkeys without being more than simply ridiculous. We say monkeys because these youths appear to affect that simious imitation of Popery called Puseyism. One of these little monkeys, however, bears the name of Buxtock, but his acquaintance will probably be rather inclined to call him calf. ; Mr. Westerton, another time, if this offence is repeated, had better not interfere with the delinquents. He is the Churchwarden and not the proper officer to quell a puerile disturbance in church. That is the duty of the Beadle, and we Ko that a large and powerful Beadle will be established at St. Paul’s, Knightsbrides ; a Beadle with a strong arm and a stout cane, with which latter he will teach such young gentlemen as Master Frrzxor and Master Buwiock not to make a row in church. See ot eet it bet Oe oe a

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es ' | PUNCH, oR ‘THE LONDON CHARIVARL

169

THE PIANO IN THE FARM-HOUSE. Mr. Puncu quite — with the sentiments respecting the piamo ond farmers’ wives, which Mr. C. R. Cotviie meant to express at a Sparkenhoe Farmers’ Club Dinner ; but then, if Mr. Punch had been ¥ x. Corvine, he would have said what he meant, and not the reverse. | Ma. Cotvite, of course, was joking: but never venture on iron with | | ladies, or farmers either, still less with both together ; your will | | most likely create a disturbance, as his did; and what is worse, you, | may also have to explain it; which, likewise, was his case. | The mere | bétises, as the remarks in question were universally | denominated by the ladies of the Sparkenhoe farmers, are reported by | the Sua to have been delivered by that unlucky gentleman, in ing “The Ladies,” as a toast, Having noticed the circumstance of their | presence as a new feature in agrieultural meetings, and alluded toa | notion general

prevalent, that farmers’ wives were their business,” undeterred by the disapprobation which f words, Mx. Cotvite thus i y proceeded :— * It is, therefore, that I have observed with the Te so many fair faces amu me, and see them take an interest in agricultural rs; for, depend upon it, | if you imtend to make a good dairy of cheese, you have not too much time to play oy “ too wey for ‘ollowed these the piane.” Well; then came the storm which might have been expected. — Mr. Punch been in the of Mr. Cotviiz, the papers w had to report the subjomed observations in place of the eo _ ae Mr. Punch, in proposing the toast of “The Ladies,” which has been confided a co Y cannot | sufficiently express my grati at the sight of the ladies who have | done us the honour of coming ir presence on this occasion | refutes the vulgar calumny which asserts that farmers’ wives are above their business. This slander is grounded on the circumstance that | the accomplishment of music is general amongst them. are | discharge of the pleasing accused of plaving — the And why should they not—when | they have La tom fem doP All work and no play—we know what | the of thst is; and if farmers’ ladies must bave some playing, ean they play better than the piano? Are they to go jingling about with the eupboard-keys and {he See of the cellar con- tinually, and never rattle over the ivory keys by way of a change of | key ? Then it is said that if they want a good dairy, there must be no Lm That is, I suppose, for fear what is called a th accompaniment turn the milk sour. Fiddlestick! When a| farmer comes home of an evening he r A De ange amusement ; he does not | always want to go to can he go to ?—he has no| theatre, no concert, no Exeter Hal Then what can be more suitable | to his circumstances than that his i should sit down at her instru- ment, and him — bit of music. pose she plays something from Hayow’s for imstance, ‘ wie heerfulness the hushandman : is not that just the sort of thing to raise ap spirits, when perhaps they | are depressed by the cireumstance that the weather is bad for the corn ; or if good for the eer, bad for the turnips? Or she might per- form a selection from Acie and Galatea, that beautiful composition of L's, 80 in its expression, and therefore so calculated to soothe his mind when anxious on account of his live stock. Well then she may refresh that affection which is the source of domestic happi- ness, by means of some tender melody of Mozaxt’s: and there are| many passages in BeeTnoven’s works by which she might awaken those sensibilities, which the and beauty of that Nature, amid whose glories he exercises his calling, do not perhaps always arouse as much as they ought in the mind of the British Farmer. Or should he, as may sometimes be the case, have not quite enou 2 spirituality in him to understand that sort of thing, she might at least amuse his ear, accelerate his slumber by the pleasant | om of a polka. Talking of that, I would venture to express | he hope that the refining influence of music in the rural = tracts will ultimately reach the agricultural labourer, for whose im- porueat we are all so anxious ; insomuch that no long time will elapse | fore the harvest home is held in the drawi -room, and whilst the | ploughmen take the milkmaids Aas the room, the farmer's wife sits down at the piano, — the Schottische or the Cellarius.” | Of course this speech would have been received with mild ap and gentle laughter: and i of the followimg sentiment oa ing been proposed in consequence : “ Here's to the wife of a jolly good farmer, who can make a jolly good cheese, and play a jolly good tune on a jolly good piano to a jolly good family,” — which indicates a very late hour and a yet more advanced state of beer’; the kenhoe farmers would have given * The health of our gallant fread Ar Puach, Cape ney ey Agricultural

Lapy A——z L—~a tional F——_z——- has obliged “us” with the following :—In the event of Cerrro’s engagement at St. Petersburg, suppose the Emperor will allow the (alep from Alma to be “Tn the j = — ’! to that hour, the inhabitants of the said eity

do you played !!

THE ONE SHOP A-LIGHT IN THE STREET. Iw one of the chief thoroughfares of one of the chief cities of the world, there exists a money-grub in the form of a hosier. All the other hosiers in that thoroughfare have, for the last two years, closed their shops at eight o’clock in the evening, so as to allow their assistants some little time dail to keep up the intel- lect, recruit the facul- ties, and exercise the affections which dis- tinguish the human being from the ox and the ass and the pig. But this grub of a hosier persists in keep ing his shop open till nine or ten at night ; hence fears are enter- the neighbouring ho- siers will be obliged in self-defence toreturn to the old barbarous system of keeping their —_— open equally

w Deputations without —~ a 9 consisting both “of employers and pe have, we unders waited on this sock-seller, a —_ endeavoured = prevai upon him to abandon hi» gree dy | practice of late closing. To all their remonstrances and entreaties a deaf ear has been turned by the obstinate and incorrigible snob. The hosiers’ assistants of the city alluded to, who have published the above-mentioned particulars in a handbill further observe that the greedy “party” who keeps the hosiery nighthouse in the thoroughfare in question, will be at once discovered by means of a walk through that thoroughfare after eight o’clock in the evening. They also point out that by simply abstaining from the purehase of any hosiery yr! Af pt closing hosiers from the loss now accruing to them, aT at a disadvantage, with those who close late. We hope the residents of the Boulevard des Italiens will carefully perambulate that great thoroughfare on the first convenient evening five minutes after eight, mark the hosier whose shop remains open, and book his name. We trust that the people of Broadway, New York, | will do the like. And lest—but the thing is almost impossible—lest there should, per- adventure, dwell any such linseywoolsey caitiff in the midst of our met ropolis—lest, perchance avy such worsted polypus should infest the heart of London—suppose, good fellow citizens, we also take a walk together the first convenient evening, shortly after eight—say—through Cheapside, THE FLEETS FAREWELL TO THE BALTIC. For the winter we quit, to retarn with the swallow, And then—Heaven only knows what is to follow !

a Tue le of Aberdeen have hung , full length of their oy in the Town Hall. It is ly understood that the [> st has bee al es i, ae om copy oy ts the library of - ta to shipped for Si. etersburg when the present gun- powder cloud has quite blown over. BASE ATTEMPT ON THE CRIMEA. Name of ill omen to that province-culper, In the Cancza he ’ll Cay mea cusra! Apvice ror tae Gop Frecps.—The last advice that has been for- warded to the Diggings is the advice to remember the difference | between mine and thine.

tained that the rest of |

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Ont ne 9

170 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

| place himself at the head of the Protestant feeling of this y= ” us |

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<— fan a @ GROUSE SHOOTING LATE IN DISRAELI AND THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER! Ar Exeter, on the Fifth of November, there is to be a grand exhibi- tion of fireworks in honour of Protestant ascendancy! In humble imitation of the City managers who, by requisition, wooed and won G. V. Brooxe to pass through Temple Bar, a committee is about to be formed at Exeter to invite Mr. Dissarui, as the Protestant champion in especial, to preside over the pyrotechnics, “If Ma. Diskag.i would would soon be exalted to permanent and immoveable power. saith the Standard. He would, in fact, go up like the rocket, and there should never be a coming down of the stick. We think the invitation of Mr. Disraxx peculiarly felicitous. The Protestant mind of the country sees in Disaae.i the natural opponent of Fawkes, It is Bensamin v. Guy! The arrangements at Exeter are not yet complete; but it is already known that Mr. Disraz.i will make a prefatory speech in the midst of the prepared fireworks. He will then, with his own hand, ignite a rocket, a Catherine-wheel, and— by way of irony—a Roman candle. The whole will conclude with a blaze of fireworks, Ma. Disgae.i appearing in the centre. “Coningsby,” in variegated lamps—indicative of the many-coloured president—will be lighted at a flash above the head of t champion, Sa RT ahh hs uw Yen SEO oy ‘ ~S . sa

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JOLLY, VERY! THE SEASON. “Comz atone, Otp Fettow! Hers’s a Port! !

| We owe it in justice to the committee to state, that the nominal | effigy of Guy Fawxes will in no feature resemble the B—n—r or Ex—tT—R: and, further, that an unprincipled attempt to bribe the rev—d d—gnitary’s valet to sell a cast-off coat and apron of the revered b—h—p was indignantly refused by that faithful servant. In fact, the , malice of the report is evident, from the circumstance that the man | had no such articles in his possession,

Patal Effect of Sudden Joy. Great tragic actors ought to reflect somewhat upon the probable | consequences ere they greatly condescend. It is well known that a deputation of the bankers, merchants, fishmongers, tripe-boilers, and others of the City of London supplicated Mr. G. V. Brooxe to come into the City act. He consented, and what was the consequence ? A distinguished sausage-maker was so affected by, joy at the event, that he has been in a state of delirium ever since. Two keepers con- stantly watch him. Fortunately the poor man’s wife is able to attend to the business. ius of the | Protestant | Rorys.— You never saw a ruin without ivy—you never saw a ruined man but he had a lawyer clinging round him, |

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Page 177

DEPUTATIONS RECEIVED AT THE SHORTEST NOTICE | | BY BENJAMIN DISRAELI, ESQ., MP. etnG the vexata questio of the} day, the honourable gentleman will receive, on Monday, a depu- | tation from the Beard and Mous- tache Party, and listen to the! proposals that will then be made 7 F to him to put himself at the} ‘ — head and chin of the movement. \ large portrait of the talented Ex -Chancellor has been painted, | in which he is represented with a@ most magnificent beard and | flowing moustache. This por- trait will be exhibited, and so | becoming and flattering is the | effect of it, that it is said Mr. In aS a Vi yj Disraetr will then and there ~- S fe =! . Z >y| give his countenance to the ad- Cf 4/ z FA)| voeacy of the Muntzian cause. | Intimation has been privately } sent to Mr. Mecur to prepare him for the worst. On Tuesday, the Vegetarians have obtained permission to attend in a deputation upon him. They bring with them a calmly prepared statement, that if Mn. | =T1__/ | Di1sRakLI will espouse their prin- ciples, he will not save less than 5 | | £3 28. 5d. ayear,—that being ; | the difference between the price | in ae | | | of butcher’s meat and vegetables ; | -_ % and will also become healthier, cleverer, wiser, and be able to sleep sounder during Lonp Duptey Srvart’s speeches. It will likewise enable him to stand with greater fortitude the late hours, and taunts, and sneers, and turmoils of a Parliamentary life. His return to power (they hope to convince him) lies through a kitehen-garden. | On Wednesday, it is to be the turn of the Cabmen. They want Mr. Disraeri to get the new law repealed. If he will only declare himself a regular Hansom, they engage to drive him back to Downing Street in less than no time, and to ‘harge him nothing for the fare. On Thursday, several distinguished Mormonites have an appointment with Mr. Disnagtr. They are anxious that he should give his consideration to the prin- ciples of their sect, with the view of becoming one of them. On Friday a deputation of citizens and merchants from the New Cut will have the honour of waiting on Mr. Disragii. It is their wish that he should try to exert his influence with Mr. N. T. Hicks, for the purpose of dissuading that gentleman from leaving the Victoria Theatre before he 7 gone through a round of his most popular characters in the domestic and burglarious Drama. On Saturday, Ma. Disragwt has promised to attend a meeting of Bonnet- makers in Cranbourn Street. Having long noticed a gradual falling off in ladies’ bonnets, they are only fearful that the bonnet may fall off the head altogether, and then what is to become of their trade? It is to avert this fall, that they are about to implore of the Ex-Chancellor of the Exchequer to turn his head a little to bonnets, in order to restore their proper equilibrium. Besides the above, there are memoranda on Mr. Disrazti’s table of deputations from the Seotch grievance-mongers, from the Italian Brothers, from the American female physicians who have been denied admission into the English hospitals, from the Bloomers, the readers of the Morning Advertiser, and various other persecuted classes and individuals, including of course all grades of Protec- tionists. In the meantime, as Mr. Dtsraewi has generously stated that his time is always at the service of any deputation that may require his advice or assistance, there is but little doubt that he will have plenty to do until Parliament opens. For Parliament there is a recess, but for a Disraeii none. Lawks a Mercy! Tue name of the British chaplain still resident at St. Petersburg is the RevenEnD O. Law! His name is naturally enough in the mouth of such of his fellow country men as are obliged to remain in Russia when they hear unfavourable news through the Russian press, and as plenty of it is continually being fabricated, the reverend gentleman under the denomination of O. Law! is wanted pretty frequently. A Joke worthy of the Pillory. By anew old saying will be rendered obsolete ; for how can we talk about being “knocked from pillar to post,” when the pillar and the post are in future to be identical ? PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARTI. THE DUE OF THE DEAD. I srt beside my peaceful hearth, With curtains drawn and lamp trimmed bright ; I watch my children’s noisy mirth ; I drink in home, and its delight. I sip my tea, and criticise The war, from flying rumours caught Trace on the map, to curious eyes, How here they marched, and there they fought. In intervals of housebold chat, [ lay down strategetic laws ; uy "ML this manceuvre, and why that ; ape the event, or show the cause. Or, in smooth dinner-table phrase, Twixt soup and fish, discuss the fight ; Give to each chief his blame or praise ; Say who was wrong and who was right. Meanwhile o’er Alma’s bloody plain The scathe of battle has rolled by—™ The wounded writhe and groan—the slain Lie naked staring to the sky. The out-worn surgeon plies his knife, Nor pauses with the closing day ; While those who have escaped with life Find food and fuel as they may. . , And when their eyes in sleep they close, After scant rations duly shared, Plague picks his victims out, from those Whom chance of battle may have spared. Still when the bugle sounds the mareh, He tracks his prey through ste Hangs fruit to tempt the throats And poisons every stream and well. All this with All this wit t hearts is done ; And they by whom the laurel ’s won Are seldom they by whom ’tis worn. No deed, no suffering of the war, But wins us fame, or spares us ill ; Those noble swords, though d Are guarding English homesteads sti Own we a debt to these brave men, Unpaid by aught that’s said or sung ; By leaders from a ready pen, Or phrases from a flippant tongue. The living, England’s hand may crown With recognition, frank and free ; With titles, medals, and renown ; The wounded shall our pensioners be. But they, who meet a soldier's doom— Think you, it is enough, good friend, To plant the laurel at their tomb, And carve their names—and there an end ” No. and dell : parch, patient hearts is borne: rawn afar, fh. They are gone: but there are left Those they loved best while they were here— Parents made childless, babes bereft, Desolate widows, sisters dear. All these let grateful England take ; And, with a large and liberal heart, Cherish, for her slain soldiers’ sake, And of her fulness give them part. Fold them within her sheltering breast ; Their parent, husband, brother, prove. That so the dead may be at rest, Knowing those cared for whom they love. Russian Military Habits. Iy very many instances at Alma—the Russian officers arrangement which the Post Office authorities are about to adopt, an covered their uniforms with the gray great e€ 0 common men. Thus they illustrated | “the post of honeur was a private station.” coata of the taunt, that ae

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| Me ) ‘i f ma QUIET STREETS. (LANSDLADIES’ CIRCULAR.) Tue Season for taking lodgings in London having arrived, the Lanptapies of the Quiet Sraexts of the metropolis respectfully submit the following programme of VOCAL AND INSTRUMENTAL PERFORMANCES, which they have, by dint of tolerat'on and encouragement, succeeded in procuring for the benefit of ladies and gentlemen who may desire quietness. References to lodgers who have gone away, and who can testify to the fidelity with which the whole of these performances are regularly given in the neighbourhoods in question, are kindly permitted. Inquiries may also be made at Bethlehem Hospital, a Hanwell Asylum, of inmates of those establishments who have removed thither from Quiet Streets. To invalids, to persons possessing nerves, to clergymen and others desirous of study, to authors, to musicians, and to all who deem quietness, at certain hours at least, one of the necessaries of life, the Quiet Streets offer advantages not to be found elsewhere. PROGRAMME oF PERFORMANCES IN THE QUIET STREETS OF LONDON, Mornina. Siz, Sweeps, who will knock loudly until seven, varying their per- formances by whistling, by invocations to the blessed housemaid Mary, and by rattling their brushes along the rails of the areas of the house to which they come, and of its immediate neighbours. The following cries will then begin, and each wili be continued up and down the street until the per- Sormer is relieved by his or her successor : Seven. First Milkman, with loud shouts of “ Mieiaw !” Half-past Seven. Second ‘ Milkman, with loud shouts \ \ of “ Low-en!” Querter to Fight. Third Milkman, with great rattling of pails, and a prolonged shriek, “ New Milk, twopence a kvort!” Bight. Hoarse young Girl: “ Any Water-cree-ee-ee-ee-ses ? ’ Half-past Eight. Hoarse old Man; “ Fine Water-cree-ses !” Nine. “ Hearthstones!” Half-past Nine. “Dust, ho!” “ Any Chairs to Mend ?” Ten. “ Pa-per! Pa-per! Pa-per!” Halfpast Ten, First Organ: Weasel. Eleven. Two Costermongers who purposely bawl at the same time, “ Wezetables! Taturs! Turnips.” (The great effect of the mornmg— in fact a sensation.) Half-past Eleven. He- brew melody, “ Any O Clo?” Grunt accom- paniment, Twelve. All the boys come home from school, and are sent to play for an hour in the Quiet Strects that they may not be run over. Gym- | pastics—leap - frog—pu- gilism—quarrels. Half-past Twelve. Se- cond Organ; Love Not—VFillikias. APTERSOON. One. Cat’s Meat. Also Rabbits. Also Images. Half-past One. Knife-grinder—very deliberate artist—with pleasing accompaniment on grindstone—fireworks. } Two. “ Any Umbrellas to mend ?” The Three Furious Milkmen again. Half-past Two, Third Organ: Rule Britannia—Polkas. Morning Hymn— Pop Goes the | Three. Flower-show. Loud lecture: “Alla blowin’, all a govis’, a | 1” penny a pot, ladies, a penny a pot, ladies—a penny a pot flow——ers ! _Half-past Three. The sailor who received the immortal Nexson in his arms at Trafalgar; with tracts to sell. Pious song, “ Your art’s uncommon stony, But still there’s opes for | you.” This performer is irascible and slightly; abusive if an unprotected female looks at him and does not give him money. Four. “ Grunsie for your birds — now then— grunsle—grunsle! Grunsle for the dicky, for the poor little dicky, grunsle!” Half-past Four. Fourth Organ: Partant pour la Syrie—Jolly Nose, Five. “ Fly-papers ! Fly-papers' Here ’s somefin to catch the nasty flies wot bites the little babies’ eyes. Fly-papers !” Half-past Five. “ Muffias—muffins!” Mass bell accompaniment. Evenixa. Six. “ Walnuts, fine new walnuts!” Usually a trio. = Half-past Siz. Fifth Organ: Evening Hymn —Drinkina Chorus from Robert le Diable. Seren. Boys having had their tea, and it is hoped learned their lessons, are turned out for an hour’s wholesome play before dark Performance as at twelve, but much noisier. Half-past Seren. Sixth Organ. Band instrument, drawn by a horse, and worked by two men. (The roaring of this instrument may be heard many streets off, and so far as mechanical inventions may be com- pared to the cor humana, the effect equals that of the eleven o’clock | performance. ) ¢ NIGHT. Eight to Ten. Miscellaneous. If the night be fine, the boys how] at the passengers, and sing defiant ballads. turned out, with very few clothes, to sing in a very high voice, and to whine to the basement story. Hurdygurdies, and other in: truments are also heard, and a German band plays at the public-house at the corner, But arrangements have been made for the performances to conclude about ten o’clock. It should, however, be added, that all cabs in a hurry take the Quiet Streets during most hours of the night, and therefore the depressing stillness so fatal to health and intellect, is avoided until, at s‘x o’clock, the round of pe: formances is renewed. SOMETHING RADICALLY WRONG. Tn following is from an Australian paper :— If wet, children are | ‘THE parity who stole a root from my garden and dropped a nugget, is | informed that there are more plants left. W. Law, Seedsman, 187, Little Collin Street East. We have been taught that we should “set a thief to catch a thief,” but it would appear from the above, that in order to catch a thief we should sometimes set a cabbage or some other member of the vegetable | kingdom. We are not told what root it was that the thief took away, but he made ample amends if he left behind him a carat of gold m exchange for a carrot of a more humble material. We are not sur- prised at the invitation to the “party” to come again, on the same terms, though he will probably absent himself for the future from a set of roots, where he has found one that has proved to him a root } of evil. Qualified Praise. A ContemPorakr, remarking upon a Lecture on the Mind, says “the Reverend Gentleman’s Discourse was profound and erudite, compre- hending nearly all that we know respecting mental phenomena.” con L=-., ee mee a eo aoe. o> eaeneaed & & | mel (int | mat

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| PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 175 | THIEVES “WANTED.” _ We wonder that wedo not see am the curiosities of advertising literature such an advertisement as the following : WANTED, by « Wholesale House in the City, an active young Man, as Collector, who will actively collect his employer's money (and appropriate it to his own ). He must be a good walker (and wel! able to walk off with the truits of his labours). Salary (nominally) £50 a year (but as it is quite obvious that sateraliy be Depesed to mabe op ony dudonay foeun the funds with which he will be - 4 up any unds with which he w | |. The above advertisement may seem somewhat unusual, but the | following, which appeared in the Times of the 14th of October, if inter- | ed by the ordinary rules of common sense, can scarcely be supposed | _ to differ from that which we have imagined. | ((LERK.—WANTED, by a Wholemle House in the City, a respectable, active, young Man, age not to exceed 25, as COLLECTOR, and to make himself! a — in — counting-house ; must be a good walker, Apply by letter, in o , Stat’ o Ft = _ rs “Salary 250 por. employment, references, capabilities, &e., age, and We cannot suppose that the “wholesale house” putting forth the above advertisement can expect and a porter (for he is to be “generally useful,” and to be “a good | walker,” unless he is to collect for himself, to be useful to himself, and | to walk off when detection seems imminent. If the “wholesale house” had other intentions, the advertisement would not have eon- | eluded with the significant words, “ Salary, £50 per annum.” THE STAR SQUABBLE. | (AT PRESENT AGITATING ASTRONOMICAL AND ASTROLOGICAL SOCIETY.) | Says Brewster to Wuewett, let’s fight a star duel, | Though you ’re very cruel to raise such a strife, What! Nature make worlds for mere lanterns, or fuel ? I tell you all planets are swarming with life. ~~ Wuewett to Brewster, you old Cock, or Rooster, hy will you anew stir the question with me ? Excepting our planet, Creation’s whole cluster ’S as empty as you and your volume, Sir D. | | | Says Brewster to WHewet, you’ve just got your gruel, So, Ma. Prorzssor, you’d best sleep upon ? it . Wuewe. to Davi, go get your head shaved, inless you ’re afraid of the = | THE PIANOFORTE AXD THE DAIRY. | Mr. Corvrrz, Member for South Derbyshire, at the Sparkenhoe Farmers’ Club Dinner, ve d to observe that he thought “the | Farmers’ wives above their business.”—‘“The pianoforte would not , harmonise with gx dairy of cheese.” On this Mz. Cotviie was _ blown by a burst o arise almost off his legs; as, ten to one, he will at the next — oo out s his a. Mr one | a8 & peace-o , then upon the poultry; “it was hi _ creditable to the ladies.” It would not do—the ladies would not be mollified. Dropping the , Mx. Cotvite next suggested that there should be, to the of the mothers, a baby show: we showed heifers, “why not infants?” This liberal suggestion was hooted, screeched at ; and Cotvriz became wan and crest-fallen. All he said was a joke—a mere joke. After a time, the meeting professed | , to be satisfied with the explanation ; but it was clear—after the de- parture of CotviLe—that his words rankled. “This comes of making aman a Member of Parliament. He will tell his mind; he gets such a habit of straightforwardness in the House of Commons.” It is make a written answer to this aspersion. | An Attack not Easily Repelled. | Tue Emreror Nicnonas, it is said, is overcome with the deepest to obtain a “ collector,” a general clerk, | of the adverti rate of common mechanics, and THE PILL AND DRAUGHT MARKET. EDICINE is evidently look- ing down, and Physic is be- coming a in the market. In proof of this statement we subjoin quotations from the advertismg column of a contem From the gentlemen are inquired for at an ex- tremely low figure -— , 240 per annum, with and residence. Apply de. de. By the next, it appears that the demand for assist- ants is not limited to medical gentlemen, but may be sufficiently answered by Surgery boys. WASTED, by a Surgeon of limited practice, « YOUTH, about 14, with some of ai sing, to assist in the Surgery and take ont the medicine, For address apply to Wuxpsor, Bottle Merchant, Bartholomew Close. The former of these announcements us with data from which a safe estimate may be of the extent and value 3 business. That the practice is a larga one may be porary. | first of these it will be seen | that i EDICAL.— WANTED, | inferred from the fact that the services of an assistant are required in | all its branches, but the amount of remuneration offered for the accept- ance of candidates is an indication of small profits, which, taking all circumstances into consideration, we should be disposed to put down at from 14d. to 2d. per visit, for medicine and atte , over and above the eost price of the articles supplied. The nature of the board and | residence which are promised the assistant in addition to something less than 15s. 5d. a week, is not stated. Of course no exception can be made to these terms; the wages of medical labour, like those of any other labour, must be regulated by the laws of su: ply and demand. bees in your bonnet. | It must, however, be considered absurd to advertise for #Gentleman, when the proffered hire is such that a Journeyman, unless he be a very unskilled one, would turn up his nose ati at it. The remuneration, to be reeeived by the Youth who is wanted to | dispense the medicine and also carry it out, is not fied. We suspect, too, that the duties which he is sini are more to numerous than those mentioned in the advertisement. Besides taking | round the physic to the limited number of patients constituting his | master’s practice, we apprehend that he would be employed in ones boots, knives, and forks. and also have to officiate in the stable, shoul: the limited practice increase so as to necessitate the keeping of a horse. We must confess, however, that we hope no such extension of its | limits may take place: since amongst 1 multitude of patients, whose medicines are compounded by an errand-boy, some awkward mistakes might happen. Possessing some knowledge of dispensing, but perhaps not quite enough, the Youth might up corrosive sublimate for calomel, or substitute hydrocyanic acid for hydrochloric. One thing is quite clear : that if medical assistants are paid at the to perform the services of ages and tigers, we shall soon have our eriptions dispensed bh) vs broken out with buttons, and culled and surgical operatives th a Bi will call round for orders, in brown paper caps and fustian jackets, or ought that Ma. Cotviie will consider it as only due to himself to without any jackets at all, and in mere waistcoats and shirt-sleeves, A Determined Emperor. Some of ‘the shot fired by the Russians at the battle of Alma are melancholy—and, to make melancholy matters worse, our brave Allies described as having been marked with the cross. The cross was i in the Crimea are likely soon to prove to him that it is no such easy matter to drive away the Blues, EPIGRAM BY SIR CHARLES” NAPTER. Weve taken Bomarsund ; on constat That we could also have taken Cronstadt. | | _ Nicwrrxcates ror taz East.—We are about to send some dear! t if some of the Nightingales, in due time, became King-doves. is now, we en the same kind of cross that was formerly borne on the Kussian lag. Formerly, we say, for the cross of the Russian Flag believe, white on.a black ground, and has been altered into the figure of a pair of crossed bones, surmounted by a death’s head, by order of the Emrznon NICHOLAS. WONDERFUL RESULT OF SUCCESS. So immense has been the success of G. V. Brooks in the City—s0 Nightingales to nurse our sick soldiers. Punch would not much wonder tremendously has his reputation inereased—that it has been found necessary to take his passage to Australia in two ships! vm. gan sr nce

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

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9 i Successful Conductor, “On ves! Tag LapyY SENDS HER RESPECKFUL CoMPLIMENTS, AND "LI SEE YOU JOLLY WELL BLUWED FUsT.” THE GLUT OF GREAT CREATURES. Ir is delightful to see the daily string of Theatrical Advertisements in the Zimes, announcing the important fact of the whereabouts of those great luminaries of the stage, who, though leaving London in darkness, are pleased to shine with terrific glare in the Provinces. Numerous as these announcements have been, we can assure ou! readers that circumstances alone prevent the appearance of at least half a hundred additional advertisements every day from those geniuses, who are desirous of letting the world know what they are about, anc how much the Metropolis is missing in the way of amusement by their absence from London. We subdjoin a few specimens :— \ R. STENTOR, the distinguished hippo-tragedian, whose impressive horseback impersonations have created the greatest sensation ever known in any sawduet, will appear as Meceppa, at Greenwich Fair on Easter Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and at Chariton near Woolwich in the summer of 1856; and on Whit Monday, 1854, sails by the Pink, Carram Cuarrens, for Cremorne. Letters in the meantime to be addressed to the Ustler, at the Stable Yard of the Hen and Hair-brush \ R. BLACKWELL, the renowned Ethiopian, whose bones have long attracted the curiosity of the anatomist of human nature, will perform at the Haymarket on Monday Evening at 6, in Kegent Street at 4 in Oxford Street at 8, and in Holborn from 9 till 11. Letters te be left with the Baked Potate Merchant, at the end of the Cab Stand, opposite the Theatre Royal Haymarket. 4 ee PUBLIC is respectfully informed that MR. CLATTER the renowned Drum, whose Concerts on that instrument, combined with the Mouth Organ, have attracted the attention of the authorities, and street-keepers in al! parts of London, and whose running accompaniment, by command of Inspector MLUSTER, placed him in the very first rank of those with whom he was moving, will be in Smith fiel! Market on the Sth of November, until which period he is open to treat, or be treated. A whistle directed & the Three Pair Front Window, in Little Tufton Street, Westminster, will meet with immediate attention. \ ISS LEONORA TOMBOY begs leave to acquaint the Nobility, Gentry, the Cabinet Ministers, the Law (Officers of the Crown, her friends, and the publie generally, that on Saturday last she ceased to be a member of the Company of the Theatre Royal Greco-Bowery- Britannic Saloon. GIGNOR FLEXIBLE, the unrivalled Indian Rubber Acrobat, who has \” twisted himself round the hearts of the public by a long series of eontortions, and wound himself up to the highest piteh ef public favour on the tight rope, will appear at the Elysian Gardens on Whit Monday next. All applications watil that date may be add to the Signor at his private residence, which may be ascertained by | tion to the relieving officer of his parish, who is empowered to make all engagements for the Signor until further notice. i

Hi, ny in REST TO HIS SCISSORS. ' Lrevtzwast Royer may congratulate himself upon one great literary feat. He may be pretty certam that his Baglish Prisoners in Russia is about the only English book that has lately been allowed admission into the Czar’s dominions without some kind of mutilation. How the scissors of the Censor must have gaped n wide with astonishment at finding that there was not a single passage that wanted cutting out. So | signal an honour deserved some acknow- ledgment; .and accordinaly, Lieurenayt Rover has, we are informed, been appointed | “ Our Own Correspondent ” to the Gazette de St. Petersbourg. j

i

HOURS AT COURT.’ mets We learn that M. Vivier, the marvellous horn-player, gave such a blow to the Court of Wurtemburg that, after the Concert, “he had the honour of supping with the royal family, and sat next the Parsce Royat.” Why does not Monsteur Vivier visit the Court of Berlin? He might give a most | effective blow to the resolution of the Krye Prussia; who, it is said, has been required to give a definite answer to Austria ‘ves, or no.” Catch his Majesty doing anything of the sort. With him “ yes” and “no” ate only so far good as, like certain iquors, they are good for mixing.

Niose vor Aa Berrer Hatr.—A_ poor simple husband has a wife, who is so addicted ) erying, that he calls her “the perpetual lear and wear of his life.” Vi R. WIiTHERBY.—This unrivalled delineator of the nicer shades of ‘ elder!y characters, who is looked wpon by himself as the only successor of F anaen, | and whose aged fops have exeited the enthusiasm of his tamily, and the box-keepers wherever he has acted, will have the honour of making his appearance at the Theatre Royal Avywhere, as soon as he can get engaged. Qi AKSPERIAN READINGS.—MR. JONES will read Hamie on the 7 5th of November, with fireworks; Richard the Third on the 24th of August, 1855; | and King Lear on the 7th Monday of 1864. All letters to be addressed to the Post | Office, Islington.

HOW TO MANUFACTURE SPANISH DANCERS. Spanisn Dancers begin to abound in London, from St. James’s to | Whitechape!. They are manufactured pretty much in the same way as a real Whitechapel Havannah, namely, of produce of English growth. } ‘ake a dark-looking young lady—if of the Hehrew persuasion the better—let her be pirouetted two hours a day, made to stamp upon the floor, like an energetic housemaid killing black heetlés—let the name of Levy or Moszs be turned to the fulness and favour of Pagurra or Dororga, and the transformation is complete. You have your muscular Whitechapel Spanish Dancer even as you have your full- | flavoured Whitechapel Havannah. Serenade for Sans Souci. Guee—* Here's a Health to ail good Lasse.” To the Czar allied by marriage, : Freperick WILLIAM, move your carriage ; Let us pass, good monarch, pray. To protect your brother, Baury, | Will you run the risk of ruin? Prussia’s carriage stops the way ! OLD BAILEY TO WIT. Last week the Manager of the Princess’s made his first double | appearance for the season as Dubosc and Joseph Lesurgues (the murderer and the victim) in the highly criminal drama of The Courier of Lyons. | The Old Bailey did not illuminate.

Voutcar Derrsrrion or a Tezroratten.—A Drunkard convinerd inst his (s)will.

la the County of Midge Printed by Ween Bradbary, of No. 18, Upger Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. the Ot ity of London. —Sarvavar, October 2, "54, Paveres, and Frederick Mullett «, Printers, at their Office in Lombard Street, im the Precizet of Whitetriars, in the City of London and Publiwhed by th m at No, %, Fleet Street ip the Parish of St. Bride, ia Evans, of No. 27, Victoria Street, in the Parish of St. Margaret and St. Jobn, Weetmineter, both — = ee ne Alo ole ans ho ae Le — ow a te i hat a ain a ae a ee ee rT aa

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 7

Ms aed THe Emperor (with the mild eyes) DeTeRMINES TO SINK HIS SurPs aND His CITIES—IN OTHER WORDS, TO CUT OFF HIS NOSE TO SPITE HIS

PUBLIC NUISANCE IN DOWNING STREET. Mr. Poncn and a full bench of Contributors were occupied for some hours at the No- Sessions, in hearing a complaimt against a Quarter | very respectable looking old Scotch lady, who was understood to be a native of Aberdeen, and who was charged, as the owner of certain premises in Downing Street, with keeping a place so as to be a nuisance. Ma. Iyspector SHALLaBaLia was the first Witness called. He said | he was oceupied in looking after the healthy condition cf the neigh- | boar hood of Downing Street, and finding the place occupied by the | Defendant to have got into very bad odour, he had visited the spot and found a great accumulation of various matters, which caused a stagna- tion, which he, the Inspector, thought was very injurious to the healthy condition of the public. He would, however, with Mr. Punch’s permission, bring forward a very important Witness, who could give | full particulars. He would call Lorn Pomicestone. Lorp Pomicestone deposed that he had long known the neighbour- | hood of Downing Street, and that he had lived on and off the premises for a series of years. He had sometimes been obliged to leave the place of his own accord, on account either of obnoxious businesses that were being carried on, or of some stagnation or other which prevented matters of various kinds from flowing in a free channel, and the place had thus got, from time to time, mto bad odour. He knew the Defendant, whom he believed to be a very worthy well-meaning person but very slow in adopting any improvement. He, the Witness, lived with Defendant as a neighbour, on pretty good terms, though he con- fessed he had sometimes lost his patience, and put himself out, but then he could soon put himself in again. (4 laugh.) Mx. Puncu asked the Witness if he could give any information as to the subject of the present complaint. Lonp Pomicestoneg said that he certainly could say a good deal on the subject, though he bad no wish to do anything unneighbourly towards the Defendant, who was a good old creature in her way, but when in other people’s way was rather objectionable. (4 laugh.) The Witness then proceeded to state that since he had been in Downing

| Street, lately he had observed various disagreeabie effects from the place } ) — by the Defendant. There was a sort of something which he only compare to a kind of Scotch mist, which threw a damp on

THE FATE OF FRANKLIN AND HIS MEN, Let us draw around the fire ; embers ruddy glowing, What a comfort they inspire, Whilst the bitter tempest roars, Aud it freezes out of doors, And the wintry haze is snowing, And the keen North-West is blowing ! Sit and listen to the gale ; Frost without is stinging : What a sad and solemn wail Runs throughout its gusty squalls, As it rises and it falls Ever with a death-psalm ringing : What a dirge the winds are singing ! Reddened in the hearthlight warm, From the great log yonder, Housed and sheltered, safe from harm, Tracing pictures in the coals, On the poor unhappy souls Ifomeless in the eold ol wander, Is it not a time to ponder ? Whose that wild wind’s requiem, Desolately sighing ? Has it not swept over them, Whose unsepulchred remains Now bestrew the iey plains, Where for Science martyrs dying, Franko and his crew are lying. There they starved among the snows, "Mid the icebergs hoary, There to death they pa = froze. On such errand let brave men Never be dispatched again ; Keep them for the strife of glory : W hat a fireside winter story ! BLOW UP Fack. everything, and imparted a disagreeable languor to everybody employed on the premises. Mr. Puncu remarked that the Witness did not seem to be affected by it, for he seemed strong and hearty, and was understood to get through a great deal of business. Lorp Pomicestone admitted that was true, but he added that he worked in a different part of the premises from that occupied by the Defendant, bathe had nevertheless felt at times the influence of the damp he had spoken of, which could be compared in its consequences to nothing but the vapours. In fact, continued the Witness, it is well known that I have left my place more than once, and have only been coaxed back again by a promise that what I complained of should be remedied. Mr. Poncn inquired if the Defendant had any answer to make to the complaint. The Defendant, a most respectable-looking old party, here stood forward, and said that the place agreed very well with her. She had herself nothing to complain of, and she —y people had better mind their own business instead of making all this fuss ebout nothing. If people chose to poke their noses into places where they had no business, they could not complain if they found things not exactly as they liked. Several witnesses spoke to the excellent ¢ Mr. Puncn remarked that this was not a case in which character was concerned. Public improvements must not be nuisances suffered to exist, because the character of the party might be unexceptionable, There was a nuisance proved to exist, with a con- siderable amount of stagnation, affecting the whole a! mosphere of the ace, and throwing a damp on every thing in the neighbourhood. He +s r of the Defendant, but | stopped, and

should therefore order the place to be emptied and filled up in a com- plete and effective manner. The Defendant said it would be uscless to empty it, for it could not be better filled than it was at present. Lonp Pomicestone remarked that he would undertake to fill it in a satisfactory manner, if the place was only once properly emptied. Derenvant. You had better try. Lorp Pomicestone. No, no! Let ’s have it emptied first, and then if nobody else will fill it, I will, if I cam be allowed to do things in my own way. Mr. Puncu declared this conversation irregular, and the parties left the Court. voL. XXVIL T 2h a a RNIN NR

< — eAiinte w se wmspe

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a a Sn | and maps therein, than 178 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE CZAR’S FORGE. FE have a little bird that flies a great way, and sometimes bri us back mtelligence come- by no other party’s “Own Corre- spoudent.” By the aid of this little bird of ours we are enabled to take a bird’s-eye view of the interior of one of the most im- portant manufactories in Russia ; that is to say the Imperial Forge at St. Petersburg. Here, the practical, no less than the poetical mind will naturally surmise, are forged the thunderbolts of war. Bombs, cannon balls, rockets, however, are not the deseription of articles produced at this establishment. Yet the weapons fabricated at the St. Petersburg Forge are almost, if not quite, as telling, in general warfare, as any of those missiles: instead of being round shot they are, in two plain and simple words, round lies. Made up in the form of bulletins, they do a service for their author which often, to a great extent, compensates for the shortcomings of hia bullets. Let us use our little bird’s eye as the lens of a peep-show, and take a look through it at the internal arrangements and economy of this interesting workshop, whence the whole Russian empire derives its principal supply of commodity which is necessary to its political existence; to wit, in Oriental phraseology, the thing which is not. The room, of which we are surveying the interior, does not look much like a blacksmith’s shop. There is too much carving and gilding about it; too many statues—of nude Venuses, many of them—too large a number of malachite vases in it for it in any measure to resemble that humble species of mauufactory. ‘There are a few more books also, would probably be found in the best farni apartment of even a master iron-founder. It is, in faet, a library. | You see no fire in this forge ; that is in the stove; no bellows; and no | Now you see a workman, evidently somebody of rank, perhaps one jof Mx. Komayor?’s own sons ; can it be Ma. Constantine Romanorr, alias the Grayp Duxe Coxstantine? No; it is Paovce Powisnorr: oie his desk, he walks up to Mz. Romanorr, Senior, with a sheet of oolscap ; like a schoolboy showing up his sum. The task which he | in fact does show wp is a piece of intelligence which has been allotted | to him for alteration | version of the battle of Al | English are declared to have |been taken prisoners, and the embellishment. Ah! we perceive it is a in which two-thirds of the French and remainder to have run away and fled en killed, half of the other third to have | | before the face of Memsemtxorr, whose signature is appended to the | | document. ance. exactly and adroitly falsified; sow he frowns dashes his pen through a word: it is a blunder expressing a truth. On the whole he is pleased : , dismissing the author, sends the manuscript by an attendant to be set up im a neighbouring apartment wherein there is a printing-press, worked by a gang of pressmen from the office of the Incalide Russe. In a few moments the proof is returned to him for correction. First, he holds it out at arm’s length, in a front aspect and then takes an oblique view of it from either side with a right and left inclmation of the bead. He grins a little, and we seem to hear him chuckle. Yes; he thinks that will do, and having had the errata in it amended, sticks it against the and retiring a pace or two indulges in a final gaze at its , which is that of the most | gonderfl deeeytion ever practised or exhibited. By means of fabrica- tions of this sort, Mr. Romawyorr is enabled to drive a roaring trade ; for they are sufficient to satisfy the requirements of his public, and he, for his own part, does not care, so long as his public enables him to carry on the War. See; Ma. Romayorr, senior, is looking over the perform- A GOOD BLOW-OUT FOR BARRISTERS. alteration im the price of the dinners, which is to be henceforth two- and-sixpence. As the dinners are at present the only qualification for a member of the Bar, we would throw out the suggestion, that by way of popularising the profession, authority might be granted to a number of respectable eating-house keepers, to confer the degree of barrister on those who may have eaten and paid for a certain stipulated number of dinners at a certain price, to be hereafter agreed upon. We would pro that the dinner bills, regularly receipted, should be sufficient evidence of the dinners having been eaten, and paid for. As we are enemies to all monopoly, we cannot see why the mere consumption of thirty-six dinners at Now he pods and smiles with approbation; a fact has been | Amonc the great Reforms contemplated by the Inns of Court is an | If-a-crown each should entitle | the consumer to be called to the Bar if the dinners happen to have | been eaten in an Inn of Court; while the same amount of dinners | eaten and paid for at the Wellington, or Simpson’s, or even at a de- cently-eonducted “ slap-bang” confer on the consumer no professional standing whatever. We never could isely understand the principle on which dinner-eating is connlbenell @ necessary qualification for a barrister; but it has just oecurred to us, that the ievernent may be a sort of guarantee that the power of jaw is satisfactory. SINOPE REMEMBERED. anvils except tables, whereon lie inkstands, pens, quantities of paper,| Were shall I be this time twelvemonths? is a wholesome thousht | and copies of the Zimes, Moniteur, Punch, and all the —— ae truthfu | of Europe. These periodicals, supplying correct news comments, form the raw materials, which are to be worked up into masses of quite a different looking substance for distribution. At each table sits a workman engaged in o ing on the supply of facts before him. We remark that several of these labourers decorated with ribbons and crosses: these are princes and other noble- men, of high civil and military rank. But our attention has been more particularly attracted by a tall stout personage, in a blue uniform and jack boots, who sits at a larger and handsomer table than the others, with despatches before him as well as newspapers, ard whose chair is | surmounted with the carved image of a nondescript of the feathered | race, apparently meant for the Black Swan with Two Necks: only the bill is crooked, and the creature has a crown on either head, so that we | understood it to represent the Rassian eagle. This tleman is) Mr. Nicuotas Romanorr, the proprietor of the establishment. You | are struck with a singularly mi'd expression in his eyes; a tiger’s| physiognomy is considered amiable by some people. Be thankful that | you are not struck, nor ever likely to be, if we can help it, with the’ nout of which your mental vision diseern the tom hanging out of this gentleman’s pocket. You rve that he wears a large | are mass of carrion, or a mummy ? for all of us. It might have oceu to ApMinaL Koanrorr a = ago, whilst he was doing the work of his master at Sinope, for which he now lies paid at Sebastopol. Does it ever occur to Nicwotas? Does this wieked old man ever reflect that after a lapse of a determi- nate number of seconds, few or many, his Imperial person will be a Then, for all the bloodshed and misery with which he has afflicted mankind, how much the bei ter will he be ?— how much the worse’ Is this last a question ever propounded by this obstinate old savage to himself, in 1 intermissions of his habitual ferocity? We trust such may be the ease. Nicwotas is our enemy; but we hope he may some seriously, and experience a change, as they say at Exeter . Wealso hope Sawvey Beaw - and Tuvrre.t, and Greenacre, and Rusu, before they came to A Nice Name. Da. Rae mentions that he was ied, in the Arctic Regions, by an Esquimaux interpreter named Wittiam Oueirpuck. We should like to know if that is the individual’s real mame. Very likely he so neces it and spells it so too, if he can spell; but considering what silver cross at his breast; yes, Ma. Romanorr is very devout, in the | is the Esquimaux type of countenance, we doubt if that is the exact orthodox Russo-Greek way, and sanctifies all his operations of business, | appellation by whieh Max. Oveiosuck was christened. robbery, by con-| that he was indebted for that very suggestive distinction to spon- | i of a facetious turn, who not only gave him the name orge:|of Wiuitam, but added the more characteristie denomination of | especially his transactions in wholesale murder and necting them with that holy symbol. And now Ma. Romanorr, with | sorial mid his cross on his heart, is engaged in the hallowed work of his F for Nicuotas Romanorr is not so proud as to be above his trade. We suspect jon to some Uetrsoc.k. weeaeeett pene eee 2258 S38 vt

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PHILOSOPHICAL DRAMA. Ovr readers need not be alarmed. We are not going into a disqui- sition concerning the “ Stage in Germany ”—a subject which so alarmed the editors of the Antijacobin some years ago. We wish merely to offer a few suggestions with reference to some advertisements we met with lately. It seems that the proprietors of the Polytechnic and Panopticon are about to introduce dramatic readings and singsongs as part of their attractions—there can be no objection we should think to this. To unite the stile cum dulci has long been the wish of right- minded educationists, and there seems to be no reason why the crucible eum dulcimer should not be engaged im furtherance of scientific ion. That Suaxesreare knew avtivg f the Atomic theory, of the diffusion of gases, or of compound radicals, we may be permitted to doubt ; but a general notion of chemical laws be must have had. Ef allusion to the possibility of the dust of AtexawpeR altimately stopping a beer barrel is sufficient proof that he understood all about the indestructibility of matter, whilethe familiar mamner in which ouchstone speaks of the retort “courteous” shows om the part of the author an acquaintance with chemical apparatus. Bat we do not intend to go into the question “did SuakesPzaRe understand pen ?” we leave that to Mr. Caarntes Kwient, who can no doubt make the subject as clear as day. We merely wish, as we said before, to offer a few sugges- tions whieh we hope the proprietor of the Polytechnic will net think us precipitate in making at this early stage of the chemical drama 8 ron. We would respectfully hint that imstead of reading old plays, new ones should be written and read—the plots laid in the labo- ratory; and scenes of thrilling interest might easily be got up with the | 8 ) i EY,

{ 4 WY

| His belt, and the Great Bear wearmg his | | | voltaic battery : the titles must be appropriate and taking. Yor instance, | Margarite of Glycerine would be, as they say in the transpontine districts, a stunner; and if “written up to” witha ree on the amusement and instruction plan, would be sure to » at . — — —— the reading of various compounds quite simple, and i! he could not reac the sublime, might at _— — e a sublimate. =o — on the organic compounds, with an accompaniment on the piano, with allusion to the conneetion between the treble and bass, and the tribasic phosphates, the thing would be sure to go off well. Evena “screaming” effect might be produced, when ladies are present, by the judicious introduction of a few explosions—“ as part of the performance,” petty, together as the owls and the as JACK said. “The reduced Oxide, or I don’t care a Button,” would be agood title the instruction of the troops for either farce @r t: ; and with a few weil-seasoned remarks from | Mn. Perrzs, a good nce could not fail to be mustered. The Prince of Wales a Sailor. Tue young Prince, it is said, is about to antes Op nan 08 | take rank as lieutenant on board the line-of-battle ship the <d/derf, christened after papa. His al Highness, it is said, is most impatient to be afloat before CaaRies ’s tragedy at Windsor sets im with its usual severity. We do not vouch for the accuracy of the statement, but are bound to give it as one very current at the ciubs.

'to be prepared with the Moon’s first

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 179 THE LORD MAYOR’S SHOW, Tae Mayoralty of Moon has been long looked for by those who have kept their eyes on the course of that great Civic Luminary, which originally rose from behind the shadow of a small counter in the city, and has at length reached its full in the vaulted dome of the Mansion House. Expectation has been not only on tip-toe, but has seized the | stilts of imagination for the purpose of raising itself to the utmost | height, with a view to the forthcoming Lomp Mayor’s Show, which it | is supposed will be charaeteristic of the great lunar menon that | is to shine during the ensuing year in the City of : _ In the first place it is suggested that the streets should be converted | into a novel kind of milky way, by laying down ehalk instead of gravel | in the thoroughfares b Thich the procession will and the figures | of Goce and Macoe will be superseded by those of Onion wearing his is collar. The state coach will, it is | hoped, be broken up for distribution im slices of gilt gingerbread among | the children of the poor, while the Lonp Mayor takes his seat iu Cuar_es’s Wain, a conveyance worthy of the Great Moon’s dignity. Instead of the old ing mace, which with every jolt of the vehicle, has endangered the ~~ ws of the state-coach, or the head of | the Mayor, it is pro that the Remembrancer shall carry a large stick of Lunar Caustse, while the banner of his Lerdship shall be an | Almanack, to tell the 8 age—a piece of information whic), during the ensuing year, will unusual interest. The national air of the city for the next twelvemonths will be “ Rise, Gentle Moon,” and the favourite air of “ The Young May Moon is Beaming” wi\] be played in compliment to the juvenile members of the | Civico-royal 7. It is expected that the population will be thoroughly “ Moonstruck ” om the ninth of November, and the City eee will be instructed r at usual period. part of the exhibition on Loap Mayor's day will be the effect of -light on the water, when the Loup Maror smiles on the Thames with the radiance of his silver coun tenance. We trust there will be many Moow-light nights of Mayoral hospitality at the Mansion House, and we have no doubt that instead of being the subject of an eclipse, the Civie Moon will eclipse most of those lesser luminaries who have twinkled heretofore in the vaulted dome of Cockneydom. Perhaps the most Evri possessed one man, Nicnotas Romanorr, Projects for robbing the Sultan to lay, Evil possessed one man: that’s how the war began, So the proud Tyrant went canting away. He made of his cross a sword; Nicnotas Romanory, Scandalous, shocking, and shameful to say ! He made himself a sword of the cross he adored, So the proud Tyrant went canting away. Of the Bible he made a sham; Nicnotas Romanorr Quoted texts—as we know the old gentleman may. Of the Bible he made a sham—fanatic serfs to bam, So the proud Tyrant went canting away. Of the swindle he made a mess; Nicnortas Romaxory, Foiled in the trick he intended to play, Of the swindle he made a mess , yet, in his wickedness, Still the proud Tyrant goes canting away. | A SCHOOLBOY’S SONG OF THE WAK. | | | | | | Controversy in the Crimea. We are glad to notice a new feature in theological controversy. | Clergymen of various denominations are going out to the Crimea as inea-pigs in the happy heir design is to contend with other to the utmost im and the consolation of the sick and wounded ; and as they all doubtless mean well, and probably mean the amily. same thing, we wish them all success.

, The Tailor Non-suited. Tur great paletot interest has failed at Frome, and Mr. Dowatp Nico. has been returned, or rather sent back, by the electors, whose suffrages he solicited. Perbaps if the ex-sheriff resorted to bribery, and promised a wrap-rascal to every raseal who would sell his vote, the result might have otherwise. “ Measures, not men,” is an old political ery, but im this imstance the issue has proved that some men | may be rejected, though their “ measures” may be unimpeachable.

we

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apo a ee rd oo ae i i 180 _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL | EVENING PARTY AT SEBASTOPOL. HINTS ON BABY SHOWS. A Cuxcrynati newspaper, describing the Baby Show, which was held lately in Clark County, Ohio, remarks that in that interesting exhibition those innocents, aged 4 and 5 months respectively, as 20 and 274!b. Should the American notion of prize babies be taken up in this country the melting pot ; but a mere fat Baby Show would not amount even to that, and as it would be in no measure useful, so neither would it ornamental in the least degree. Tombstone angels, indeed, and stone- masons’ Cupids, are models of a co mee which it is un t to contemplate in mere stone, and would present a still more disagreeable appearance as wheezing and puffing masses of actual blubber. If it is distressing to witness the respiratory labours of a hypertrophied pig, how much more painful a pester of imminent sull i afforded by the babe half stifled with plethora ! We would therefore suggest that in the award of prizes, the absolute weight of a child should not alone be considered, but that regard should also be had to its specific gravity. Foran infant consisting principally of fat might, as a mere lump, outweigh another infant of smaller size but of greater density, having its bone and muscle in a more fi divide the weight of that body by the weight of an equal bulk of water. The specific gravity of a baby would be readily ascertained by plunging it gently into a tub quite full of water over and ears, collecting the water that ran over, weighing it, and dividing the positive weight of the child by the weight of the quantity of water so displaced Water at 60 degrees of Fanrennetr is the standard for detefmining the higher temperature would be advisable: and then the process would amount to no more than putting it into a warm bath, giving a salubrious and comfortable ducking to a little duck. Not erying, and freedom from catarrhal symptoms, as indicated by the nose, we would also recommend as qualities and merits to be speci taken into account in adjudicating on the claims of the infantile com- large and fat infants predominated, and states the weight of two of | dress the sucklin ocation must be | | KILLEN on the late railway horror. In this address, they meekly observe state of Covelapnens, ‘Yo find the specific gravity of any body, you | |a lovely evidence “of true loyalty and sound rel 4 | then proceeds to denounce the Catholic religion as a creed that “ brings | forth such fruits” as the late atrocity. f pee aa be sorry, _— y. were the mp faith to be Judged 7 ! “ A t | by such fruits as the Liverpool Oranges, things at once very green specific gravity of ordinary bodies, but in the case of a baby, a rather | very bitter. But Lorp ExntsKILuen pities the Catholics; and to show | his feeling for them, he compassionately—spits in thei y sion; but it is also an lrish quality no less than an English, | petitors: and we would propose that a special prize should be awarded | to the baby that makes itself least frequently disagreeable to its male | parent. In the event of a Baby Show being held at Baker Street Bazaar, | or elsewhere in England, we also hope that a mistaken vanity will not up in caps, which, in-doors, can only heat the brain, | and lay the foundation of fits and derangement of mind, whilst we trust on the other hand, that the limbs will be well and warmly clothed, an we hope that too much of a point will not be made of fat in this | 20t left naked to attract admiration, catch cold, and acquire a tendency earings “yy ity of the | © consumption and serofula. A tea service and salver of silver, or nen oo A 2 pee by i LF pentyl for even of gold, should also be allotted for the largest family of children reared without sucking-pig, or recourse to Darry. By the way our be | Cimeinnati contemporary does not say whether or no “ Mus. Jonnson ” was much in request at the American Baby Show. LIVERPOOL ORANGES. Tre Orangemen of Live | have sent in an address to Lorp Enxts- to his Lordship that he may (with, doubtless, great self-consolation) | sing tha following sweetly shoe lines :-— * We'll bear, we'll hold the Orange name, Though hell oppose and earth deride ; | We'll keep the faith through fear and shame, | That faith for which our fathers died.” | Lorp EnniskiLieN makes affectionate reply: the spore, he says, is igious truth.” He ‘his is very Christian-like. their faces. Intsx Jouw Buiiism.—Coolness under fire seems aa Irish | it i Welsb, and Scotch. ‘~ WAMNTAON L PSs "669 “ON ‘HONaYg) ee

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Ss 4 4 i "4 3 " 4 Keon \) * hi ave SIR EDMUND LYONS GOING IN HIS BROUGHAM TO THE OPERA AT SEBASTOPOL. “The Agamemnon goes about in places where no linc-of-battle Ship ever thought of going before. Sim Epxunp Lyons’s Brougham, as it is called, is not at all a bad name for her.”— Own Correspondent of the “ Times,” Ce ey NovemMper 4, 1854.) [Puncu, No, 695.

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on nee ance ee pa mt me “ - : <a . ; sites : i

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 183 GREAT GRATUITOUS BREWERS. (To Jcstus Lreste.) crentiFic Sra,—I believe are partial to Arisorr’s P and also that you have anal that beverage. You will therefore be sorry to hear that I have had a eir- cular sent me, signed SamueL ALLsorr aND Sons, announcing that those gentlemen have come to the decision to make an ad- vance of 6s. per barrel their ales of all qualities. You will likewise be in a position to inform me whether or not this augmentation was necessary: at least in regard to pale ale. In addition to the increased malt duty, “the almost total failure of the crop of hops” is assigned by Messrs. ALLSOPP as the reason for raising their ales. Supposing the necessity for that step to exist, I am glad to find that it is occasioned by these circumstances. ale consists, | believe, scientific ction excepted) in the aleohol and The specific value of a glass of Sir, almost entirely (cost of 1 bitter extract which it contains: and in the bitter much rather than in the spirituous —_ Now, can you tell me what are the quantities, respectively, of malt and hops represented by the strength and the bitterness of a glass of pale ale? Because I should like to know how many pennyworths of and of malt [ consume in swallowing a pint of that fluid. So much, Messrs. Acisorr say, that the advance which has been made by them “will still leave” them “without any margin for profit.” At that rate, they have been giving their ale away now for some time, and i continuing to supply us therewith grafis. Nothing can be more liberal than this: and pale ale, offered at these terms, mes a truly generous liquor. To you, however, I look for those data, whereby alone I can be enabled to appreciate its generosity. Pray illuminate on that point your respectful er, PULCR. | PS. I have heard it remarked by Law Students (from the country) | that Ma. Justus Lreste ought to be a jolly good judge of beer. THE GOVERNMENT EXAMINERS. | Tr ars that the Examinations to which Candidates for Govern- | ment Situations are now subjected, have proved dreadful stumbling | blocks to numerous young gentlemen, who felt an honourable ambition | to receive the public y. We learn that out of some | 250 of these aspirants, only could acquit themselves respectably before the Examiners. It must be | is dreadfully severe, and a young man must devote himself to many years of intense study before to think of what he is required to do. | He must, First. Write a common business note, on a given subject. Secondly. Evince a knowledge of the first rules of arithmetic. Thirdly. Take down a passage from some standard English author, from dictation. The tests are threefold. No wonder that in the presence of such requirements 220 young, _ gentlemen broke down, and we hear that out of the 30 who succeeded im passing through the frightful trial 25 have since been laid up by | their exertions and the exeitement ; three have been interdicted by their doctors from reading anything heavier than Sin ArcarBaLp ALISON even | if they can find it, and the other two have resigned their salaries and superannuated. We hope that official pedantry will not be per- mitted to pursue this inhuman system longer, but that the sons of our influential classes will onee more, as heretofore, be admitted to the | situations to which their birth entitles them, without submitting to | this ruinous and tyrannical treatment. We have had a bateh of the Examination Papers sent to us, and as one fact is better than a thou- sand , we shall the case of these op a thousand fi by printing the result in one case. ‘The ils may excite a smile on the lip of the heartless, but certain we are that no hater of oppression, no person with his heart in the right | place, no loather of tyranny will read them without a burning blush upon his brow to think that in the nineteenth century, &c. &c. admitted, however, that the ordeal | has a chance of passing. We shudder | Avemryow CLacpu Frrzmonwtacus Verson Bort, Esq, Examined on the 15th of October. Desired to write a business note. To signify to a tradesman—say @ builder—that some of his charges for work were objectionable, while others were fair—that he had better refer to his original agreement, meet the writer's agent, and revise his demand, after which it should be satisfied, (He wrote as follows) :— * Dear Sir,” (But remarking that he was writing to a snob, said he wasn’t going to call him dear, smeared the note, and another sheet.) , - Srr, or Bucers” (“ Perhaps that’s better. Another sheet, old ellow ”’). “ Bueerws,—You must be a fool to think I am going to submit to your infernal extortion. A whole lot of your charges are downright swindling, and no mistake, Master Bueers. You’d better rub up | your memory a bit about our bargain, and go and talk to Screwman, and what he says is right 1’!l abide by, but confound your cheating. “ Pimlico, Tuesday.” “ Yours, &c., A. C. F. V. B.” “T suppose that is about the thing,” said Mr. Bort, handing it in; “T don’t see that the thief can mistake that.” Informed that the tone of the note was less civil than is usual in business, and that he must write as if addressing a respectable man. . (He wrote as follows) :— “Sir,—I beg to state that you are obnoxious, (“ No, I don’t mean that he is. We'll try again”). “ Sir,—I beg to state that your charges are obnoxious, some of them that is to say, and I must admit that [ think you are quite inconsistent in regard to your conduct, because we agreed quite, different to what you put down in your bill, and must be revised and corrected. If you will be so good as to take the trouble of calling upon Ma, Screwman, and point out the reductions which ought to be made, according to what we settled, and oblige “ Yours obediently “ Pimlico, Tuesday. “a CF V.B. “PS. After he and you have put it correct, of course you may have your money.” Mr. Bort declined making another epistolary attempt, stating that the last was the best he could do, and quite civil and clear, The iners then proceeded to the second head. Asked to write, in figures, ten thousand and nineteen, Result. 10901. esull of second attempt, 1000019. Asked to subtract £196 11s. 3d. from £205 Te, 6d. Result stated by Ma. B. at £401 188. 9d. Asked to divide 375 by 9. Result stated by Mn. B. at 417, Being requested to explain the process, he said that nine in tharty-seven went 4, one over ; nine in fifteen |, and 7 ever, which of course made 4\7, The Haaminers to the | last head, Read passage from Gnax’s “ Bard,” and Ma. Bort requested to write from dictation, (He wrote as follows :—) * Ruin sees thee, roofless King Confusion on thy manners. Wait. Though Fawwy conquers crimson wing, They sing the air in an idle state. Helmet nor hawbuck’s vested male, Nor the virtuous Tyrant shall prevail And save his sacred soul from nightly fears, From Gambia’s curs, from Gambia’s tears, Such were the sounds that caused dismay Over the army of Kine Epwanp Tue Frast, As down the steep (Mu. B. to himself, “ some hitch here,””) He eame marching down Snowdon to Gloucester He stood agast and speechless in a trance To his arms came Moatimga quivering —— Mea. Borr here handed in the document, remarking that there was something more about a couch being launched, but protesting against the Eraminer going over the last part too fast for a fellah to follah that had never heard the stuff before. Miaule Pree Onpexev.—Intimation to Axernyon C.F. V. Bort, Esquras, that he is not at present qualified for a Government situation. By vue Boarp. Stand at Ease. . We hope that as the uniform of the Army is to be changed, and our troops are to have re-dress for their grievances, the authorities will | cause the tailors to take at once the necessary measures. a alae eh

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mie oe A en en eR we a NR oe 184 ___ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL | The Bottle-holder had determined that the Bill should pass through THE NIGHTINGALE’S SONG TO THE SICK (a4 stage that morning, and the way in which he fi his open hand | . }upon air, as presenting his palm for a hand-shake before the fight, SOLDIER, testified to the observant thet he meant business. Nevertheless one or . 4 two members resisted—Vested Interest in stench, and bone-grubbing, Liste, soldier, to the tale of the tender NiGuTINGALr, and poison, was duly represented—and progress with the measure was lis a charm that soon will ease your wounds so cruel, deprecated. One Voice from the Chimney croaked out, with soot in Singing medicine for your pain, in a sympathising strain, his throat, that the proposed prevention of smoke was “ impossible.” With a jug, jug, jag of lemonade or gruel. “I have not the least—a—a—doubt in the world,” said the Viscount, rising,“ that what the honourable member says is perfectly true. I have had the—a—a—honour of a seat in this House for a good many years. [ have seen a good many impossibilities, [ am certain that it is quite impossible for people to consume their smoke instead of poisoning their neighbours with it. But I am equally certain that if Parliament will Singing bandages and lint; salve and cerate without stint, Singing plenty both of liniment and lotion, And your mixtures pushed about, and the pills for you served out, With alacrity ond promptitude of motion. Singing light and gentle hands, and a nurse who understands only enact that people sha// consume their smoke instead of poisoning Ifow to manage every sort of application, other people with it, they will find it the easiest thing in the world. [| From a poultice to a leech ; whom you haven’t got to teach move, Sir, that the Bill be read a second time.” And it was—and The way to make a poppy fomentation, speedily passed. Months went by, and no particular heed was given tothe Smoke Act, save by those immediately interested. Certain Gunpowder Smoke, caused by a more pestilential nuisance on the banks of the Neva, made us forget the black clouds on the banks of the Thames. But the Act was being worked, and Mr. Punch has just read a paragraph, of which the following is the essence. “ Cowsomprion or Swoxe.—At the Court of the City Commissioners of Sewers, on Tuesday, Ma. H. L. Tayvor stated that about twelve months ago Messas. CaLvert, the great brewers, came to answer a c .mplaint made against them for not having used effectual means for the Consumption of the Smoke of their premises. The explanation given at the time was not satisfactory, but additional time was granted. The difficulty has been overcome. The consumption of smoke in this extensive concern has not been attended with the expense which was anticipated by the proprietors. Un the contrary, the improvement has been accomplished by the judicious application of the stokers’ duties and the fuel alone. The whole of the smoke-consumiog mystery was referribla to the state of the furnaces and the conduct of the stokers. It was a great advantage | to the community to be aware of that important fact, as there could now be no excuse sor tha filthy discharges of smoke from the extensive manufactorics in the metropolis, They , could ail banish the nuisaace by the most simple and cheap process.” Lorp Patmerston has a good deal to attend to just now, and therefore Mr. Punch has not asked his lordship to call in Fieet Street and be congratulated upon the literal fulfilment of his prophecy. Indeed foresight. And he begs to notify to ali whom it may concern, that as a | voyage from Chelsea to Blackfriars will prove to the most careless Eye and the dullest Nose that the “filthy discharges” above mentioned still contioue in unremitting plenitude of abomination, there is “ no excuse ” for any of the authorities who shall neglect or delay to pursue the offenders with all legal rigour and vigour. Meantime he drinks the health of the reformed Catvents in a tankard of their best. It seems to him to have a richer smack of healthful raciness now that it is manufactured without poisoning the atmosphere, Singing pillow for you smoothed, smart and ache and anguish soothed, By the readiness of feminine invention ; Singing fever’s thirst allayed, and the bed you’ve tumbled, made, THE BLESSING OF THE RUSSIAN OLD GENTLEMAN. With a careful and considerate attention. Tue reserve of the Russian Imperial Guaard—according to the Presse -_ . | ee Qare > , _ > } af Singing succour to the brave, and a rescue from the grave, O w Pons d, the other day at St. Petersburg, a touching spectacle. Hear the Nicutrvcae that’s come to the Crimea, ur Parisian contemporary says: ’Tis a NIGHTINGALE as strong in her heart as in her song, “The Emperor reviewed them, and availed himself of the opportunity to bless at To carry out so gallant an idea. | the head of his troops the two Grand-Dukes Micuagt and Nicuotas, who, it is said, | are to join the active army. The benediction took place with much pomp. The two | Grand-Dukes went on their knees to receive it, and all the troops also knelt.” | Pious souls! An edifying scene, doubtless ; of thirty thousand and THE BOTTLE-HOLDER AND THE BOTTLE OF SMOKE. | odd pairs of eyes, nothing to be seen but the whites. Solemn silence: | the tongue of every man present thrust into his cheek, except the Mr. Puncu, M.P. happened to remain late in the House of Commons | Czar’s—that being employed in invoking Heaven’s grace ard bene- one night last year. He had promised his vote to Lonp Patmeastox, | diction on his offspring: sons of rapine and murder. One does not on the Smoke Bill. Curiously enoagh, instead of going up-stairs into|envy Micuaret and young Nicuotas, their father’s benison. “The one of the quiet and sheltered nooks at the end of the gallery, and taking | blessings of the evil Genii, which are curses, were upon him,” are words an instalment of his night’s rest, until the division should be called, | that would, one fancies, be evermore running in the ears of anybody Mr, Punch actually listened to the debate, as a (to outward | that had been blessed by Otp Nick. appearance) as if he could learn anything from an y in that assembly. : He has called ms time as the a clock, staring hard into! : 4 Ma. Speaxen’s face, remin him, savagely, that it was a quarter past . two. The public knows little of what happens in the Nether Hoase| Legal Intelligence. when the “ little hours ” come on. oan a over, and the desultory; A ranaGrapn has appeared on the subject of the small amount of chat of the National Dustmen (whose number has then dwindled to that | business pending in Westminster Hall, which includes only “three of the occupants of certain jars in the Ali Baba story, or even to that | new trials.” We are authorised to add that there will be a fourth, of certain Pieces of Silver whereof we have héard) is wisely compressed | consisti of a “ new trial,” which Mr. Baieriess is about to make to | by the Gallery into a brief note, that “the Bill was read a second time.” | obtain a living by his profession. It is however probable that this new | For, though the cackle of geese might save the country, Editors prefer, trial will not swell the number mentioned in the official list, for the | by omitting it, to save the morning mails. . : new trial in question will not appear in the paper. There are only Sometimes, however, the better men whom official red-tape ties to the | “three cases set down for judgment,” but we understand that the Treasury bench until the word “adjourn” cuts the a, come out, | Benchers of one of the Inns of Court being about to jay in champagne, | at that uncontrolled hour, with denuded truths whichghey feel compelled | have recently ordered “a case for judgment.” to drape, very jealously, during si r~ of set speech and watchful _ stenography. Andon the Smoke Bill aforesaid did Lorp Patwenston say a shrewd thing—recently recalled to Mr. Puach’s mind. Oxrorp Mixture.—Puseyism. Mr. Punch prefers to bear this public testimony to his noble friend’s | } } | | | | | ee aa Stee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 185 4 (By, Our own Correspondent” —that is to say, the little gentleman in THE BATTLE OF THE ALMA, AS FOUGHT AT ASTLEY’S. black, who represents the Press in the new Military Spectacle.) Havrxe provided my- self with a note-book, an umbrella, and an eye-glass, which I in- variably kept fixed in my eye, I proceeded to Southampton to witness the embarka- tion of the British troops, and to secure a passage to Gallipoli. For this latter pur- pose, I addressed myself to a private soldier, who though he proved the tender- ness of his nature by the affectionate manner in which he bade farewell to his sweetheart, had evi- dently no great re- spect for the profes- sion of literature. He introduced me to the | Commander -in-Chief | as a “thing called a ) penny-a-liner,” while another individual stated that I was a “ sillywillain.” He evidently meant “ ci- vilian,” but whether his corrupt manner of pronouncing the word iproceeded from gross ignorance or a spirit of illiberal sarcasm, I cannot . The Commander-in-Chief was, on the whole, an agreeable sort of gentleman, though somewhat grandiloquent. So much importance did he attach to my presence, that after haranguing his soldiers, he delivered an oration on horseback for my exclusive benefit, warning me to tell the truth in my report, and to take care of Russian bullets. I need not oceupy you with the passage to Gallipoli, but [ must hasten to remove the impression you may have received concerning that much-abused town. You have heard it described as an abode of ‘poverty and dirt, in fact, as a city of pig-sties. Nothing can be further from the fact. So luxurious is Gallipoli, that the municipality, at its n expense, supports a company of opera-dancers, for the gratuitous wrote en of illustrious strangers. A very agreeable pas de trois was danced by some young ladies, symbolizing Fingland, France, and furkey, much to the delight of the Allied Forces, who were stationed around to contemplate the grace and agility of the fair artistes. While at Gallipoli I made the acquaintance of an intelligent Irish- man, who became my inseparable companion during the rest of the expedition. Although on the most intimate terms with him, I never d exactly wake out to what regiment he belonged, for while he wore the new military habiliment, he never attached himself to any corps, but perpetually carried on a little war against the Russians on his own account, preferring the use of the shillelagh to that of the musket. It was in the company of this intelligent individual, that after my arrival in the Crimea, I performed a deed that perhaps has some little claim to immortality. Some ruffianly Cossacks had seized upon a cart belonging to some Crimean market-women (who, by the way, looked far above their station), and ransacked its contents. These miscreants were throwing away the vegetables, eating some candles that formed part of the luggage, and binding the women, when the sudden appearfince of my friend and myself put an end to the ruffian’s proceedings. He was armed with his aceustomed shillelagh ; 1 had my pistol and my umbrella, which, though tattered to an extreme , was a formidable weapon in a vigorous hand. ‘Ihe contest was decidedly in oar favour, for we restored the terrified beauties to their place in the cart, and bound the ill-favoured marauders to the eart’s tail. Shortly after this exploit, I found myself somehow or other—(how, I cannot precisely say) within the walls of a Russian prison, together with my Hibernian friend, a private in a Highland regiment, and a facetious sailor. With these also I had been in habits of intimacy during my journey, and you will observe generally that, with a view of studying J mer I selected my associates rather from the humbler than the more aristocratic ranks of military life. My imprisonment was not such a misiortune as, at first sight, it | appeared : for it made me acquainted with Priyce Menscurxorr, | who is, on the whole, rather a jolly sort of person, with nothing of the | diplomatist in his appearance. He walked among us in a roll sort of manner, indulging in pleasantries of a somewhat rough, but by no means ill-natured kind. when, objecting to a diet of tallow-candles and train-oil, I delicately told him that | could not think of “taking all the fat of the land, and leaving all the lean to the Russians,” he neither took the hint, nor applauded the neatness of the sarcasm. Never did I so clearly perceive the truth of the proverb, that warns us not to measure other men’s corn by our own bushel, than during the time of my incarceration. The Russians, high and low, evidently eat nothing but what in our country is needed by the chandler and the soap-boiler. To this I do not object—let them eat what they like. But I do say it is a hardship on British prisoners that are foreed to live on such repulsive fare. As for my three friends and myself, we were so disgusted with the cuisine of the prison, that we knocked down tegen and set ourselves at liberty, in time to see the Battle of the Alma. Why the scene of this glorious action is called “the Alma,” J had some difficulty in understanding. The definitearticle seemed to denote a river, but though | made the most minute survey, nothing like water of any kind could [ discover. The heights are approached by a kind of table-land, which is counected by a gentle deelivity with a curious round hollow. ‘This is more like a dried-ap lake than anything else, and is called the “ Cir-kuss” or “ Cir-kass,” probably from the belief that this country was once inhabited Circassians. My classical studies coming to my mind, I re the legend of Alpheus and Arethusa, and then it struck me that the Alma might perchance be a subterranean stream. I made some inquiry on this subject of a native in a fustian jacket, who told me that the inciined .—— con necting the table-land with the Cir-euss, went over the “ Or-kees-tra,”’ which is completely concealed. “ Or-kees-tra” is doubtless the bar- baric name which the Tartars of the Crimea have substituted for the more elegant “ Alma.” The Allied Army in making the attack, first entered the Cir-cuss by an aperture in its circumference, and steadily advanced up the inclined plane, till a few of them were repulsed by a party of Cossacks, who kept them in the Cir-cuss while their comrades were engaged on the table-land. I could not help admiring the order and amity, with which the fight in the Cir-cuss was carried on, The combatants crossed their weapons, and then their horses went round and round an imaginary point, without any one making the slightest attempt to wound his adversary. At last the Cossacks (why, I do not know) considered themselves defeated, and retreated up the inclined p'ane, followed by the Allies, who joining their companions took the heights without further difficulty, At this moment, a curious natural phe- nomenon might be observed. The atmosphere, which during the battle had retained its usual no-colour, became of a brilliant red hue as soon as the victory was complete. this phenomenon, when he told me drily, that “it gave effect to the —— ”—a native expression, which conveyed to me no meaning whatever. “ I asked my friend in fustian the cause of | icking , Wit he does not greatly appreciate, for | However, that some English words, even of an idiomatic kind, have | crept into the Crimea, was amply proved by the shout which was raised by the inhabitants when the triumph of the Allies was complete At first there was a general ery of “Cook!” which could only mean that the goose of the Russian army was “cooked”’ by the Allied Forces. Then followed a cry of “ West!” clearly a tribute of admiration and gratitude to the Western Powers. This fact demonstrates beyond a cone the sympathy felt for the Expedition by the Tartars of the rimea. Invitation to the Ball. We read in the Times that, at the Battle of Alma, the Russians displayed “no ensign, eagle, or standard of any kind,” and that they made the British colours a special mark for their rifles. Colours are inappropriate in the war with Nicuoras. Constables’ staves would serve as well for rallying points, and would be more suitable to the work in hand. It does seem worse than absurd to sacrifice the lives of brave soldiers to a taste for colours, which, however splendid, can only exhibit a tint of mere greenness to the enemy. ving! vine! Fine! A Rosstan Bulletin states that “the Allies had begun to bombard Sebastopol, but the fire was not sustained.” We should faney not The eqnbination of French and English fire is not easily sustained by Russians, who must have found that it made Sebastopol rather too hot to hold ther. Toe Guarpranw AwncGet or ay a is a certain port of Russia ealled Archangel? Probably the Archangel, honoured by the appropri- ation of his name, is that one who is said to have Sr. Micnart. ee

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| 186 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON i = ¢ SSeS f ; f x S »' SE “ Z > ‘ / y? in| a | J — A PRETTY GENERAL OPINION. JK ram a *” HERE—AND THEN—I FLaTTER MyYseLr % a] aS) _ sh ‘J PET PIGS AT LEICESTER. Tur Leicester Mercury contains a pleasant paragraph, headed “ Tue Pic Question”; whence it appears that a crusade has been instituted by the Local Board of Health against the Hogs, whilst the crusaders have been strenuously resisted by the Hogs-in-Armour. We are informed that :— “ Ata numerous meeting held at the George Hotel, on Tuesday, an association was formed for the Protection of Persons Keeping Swine, when upwards of 100 members paid their subseriptions, and joined the association, with a tull determination of resisting the proceedings of the Local Board of Health.” The immediate objects of this Association seem to be the defence of any 4 of its members who have been persecuted for the sake of their pig-sties | t by being prosecuted for a nuisance ; and the prevention of any burgesses | from being elected to the town council who “are opposed to the keeping of swine.” Nobody is opposed to the keeping of swine at a reasonable distance from his nose; and the burgesses considered ob- | jectionable by the swinists can only be considered so for being opposed to the keeping of pigs among the houses of Leicester. Whether the | pig-party go so regularly the whole hog as to excommunicate muni- | cipally all their fellow citizens who are averse to pigs in the parlour, is a question to be asked, considering their enthusiasm on the score of the pig, indicated by their concluding toast ; viz :— ANE tree anit BS “ May the opponents of swine never eat a pork pie, see a ham, chew a bit of bacon, of taste a delicate morsel of sucking pig.” Chew a bit of bacon; what strength of expression!—worthy of philosophers feasting on the Noewm Organon. Of course the opponents of swine would be opposed to pork pies, or pig in any shape ; but with- out opposing swine as we should oppose wolves, we should think the most devoted pig-fancier would grant that we might oppose their claims | to the privileges of cats and spaniels. We are further told that similar | meetings have been held in Coventry; and we can only say that we will never march through Coventry with any ies who would wish to make its streets in the state they would be brought to if pigs were | | permitted to run about in them. , ‘ Oe all ‘ Pisa . & aS SN Mit ; 2 } “ ae Ss ddlums. “Wet, Evizanetn—I nope WE SHALL Have A Prize Bary Saow * > CHARIVARL IMPORTANT MEETING. TO THE (FEMALE) HEADS OF FAMILIES. held in the Burlington Arcade—and at which Monsrevr At a large meeting of the hair-dressers and coiffeurs, lately | Feurx, “le dieu de la Coiffure,” was unanimously voted into the hair-cutting chair--it was resolved that, with a view of upholding the true interests of the profession, a League be founded to oppose la rage that was at present so deplorably manifest among all English ladies in having their hair dressed, no matter whether it was becoming to them or not, in the same style as the Empress Evoénre. Such a stupid system should at once be torn up by the roots. Accordingly the following resolution was carried without a single comb being raised against it: “That for the future, no true-minded Coiffeur, or Artiste en Cheveux, having a proper respect for himself, or for the glorious Art, of which he is an humble instrument, should allow himself to dress 4 2 Impératrice any head of hair that is put into his hands, labourmg under the following primd facie ridiculous disqualifications. se [. All young ladies, who have already reached the age of torty. white eyelashes, and low foreheads. regular, or who wear spectacles. “TV. All young ladies, whose locks are decidedly of a vermilion hue, or of an auburn rather more than suspect. “ V. All young ladies who may be entrusted with the care or education of young children, as it would only put foreign notions into the heads of their young charges, that they will learn quite soon enough as they get older. “VIL. And, lastly, all young ladies whose positions, or complexions, are not exactly suited for sach an imperial style of head-dress, as it only tends to attract notice that, in all phases and faces, may not be exactly favourable, or complimentary.” i) { Wig blocks, illustrative of the various disqualifications enumerated, were exhibited, and affurded general amuse- ment to the distinguished Coifeurs who composed the meeting. RELICS IN STORE FOR RUSSIA. Tae Cardinal Vicar of Rome, the other day of St. Roc... The Russian Church venerates Saints equally with the Romish; and if it offers the same adoration to their relics, the viscera, probably, of that great philanthropist and benefactor of the human race, St. Nicnotas Romanorr, will come to be worshipped oye of these days. Anticipating the canonisation of the Czar, we recommend the future wor- shippers of his “inwards” to devote their pious attention to his stomact:, which has undergone the trial of digesting so many defeats; and his liver, the disturbance of whose bile (preternatural of course) first insti- gated him.to undertake his crusade. We fancy we see the Imperial biliary organ prepared after the manner of specimens at the College of Sur- geons; and a crowd of adorers piously ogling the hepatic arteries, or gazing in rapture on the ramifi- eations of the Vena Porte. For the happiness of mankind, the sooner this anticipation is realised the better. Goosey, Goosey, Gander. Coystpertnc the impudence of a certain Ex-Sheriff in offering him- self as a candidate for a Seat in Parliament, we beg to propose that the set the people to worship the heart | “IT. All young ladies, who have pug noses, pink eyes, | “TIL. All young ladies, whose eyes are not perfectly words “ Nricout the only Substitate for Brass,” shall be adopted by | way of amendment to “ Nickel the only Substitute for Silver.” Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Perish of St. Pereras in the County of Middlesex, Printers, at their \flice in Lombard the City of London.—Satuspar, November 4, 1854. Street, in the lrecia and Prederick Mallet Evanr, of N». 7, c ¢ : ; ot of Whitefriars, is the City of Leadon, aud Published by them at No. %, Pieet Street, in the Puishef St. Bride, in Victoria Street, in the Parish of St. Margaret and St. Joho. West sir ser, bot ;

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aN (ns > | } UPON ONE OF THE ELEGANT GUIDES. | ee | FROM WINDSOR TO ST. PETERSBURG. | _Mr. Puwxcu has heen solicited by the respected housekeeper of Windsor Castle to give insertion to the subjoined letter (dispatched via Prussia, and favoured by Prussia’s king) to the Emperor Nicuoas. The letter, arriving at the last minute, Mr. Punch had no time to send even an electric message to the respectable gentlewoman who keeps, as Epmvuxp Burxe says, “ Windsor’s proud keep,” to have the document duly authenticated. e letter, for aught Mr. Punch knows, may have been furtively obtained from the writing-desk of its authoress; a copy of it may have been taken on the way to its destination, the more es- ith this, Mr. Punch, as a public editor, has nothing to do. Mr. Punch can only state that, to the best of his eyesight, the letter—(at least Ais copy)—is not lithographed. To print a purely private letter may be about as moral as to pick a private pocket ; Mr. Punch feels this : what then? He puts down his feelings with a strong hand, and devotes himself to the requirements of the public. To the Emperor oF atl THE Russias from the HovsexzErer oF ALL Wiuxpsor Castiez. “ May rt PLease your Masesty, You PLease, : “IT nave long had a burden in my bosom which is @ brooch. When your Imperial did us the honour of a visit here at Windsor, there wasn’t a heart you didn’t leave with your picture behind you. You did me the honour land when you did it, if I didn’t think I should have died with astonishment ; and should, I’m certain, but for the mild eyes (not that saving your presence |’! ever believe in eyes again )—the mld eyes in the royal head that looked so gracious on me ; and the sweet aS innocent as any baby’s weaned on milk on your royal lips. “ May it please your Majesty, when you went away, ‘haf very mornmg you gave me with your own hand a brooch as you said as a small reward for my attention. I shall never forget your lofty manner and your ious words. When you put the in my hand, I thought J should have fainted : but then the thoughts of proud W indsor VOL. XXvII. vu PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 187 DISTRESSING EFFECT OF ENGLAND’S! ROUGH HOSPITALITY peat if the enve' were superinscribed “ private and confidential.” ‘ AN OLD FOGEY CLUB. Aone x ry that arly falls mA our —_ every week, is @ lithogra’ prospectus & pro “ Putney Club,” the object of which is to bring together “all old Putney men.” Why it should be more desirable to collect the veterans of Putney than the veterans of Chelsea, eS or any other suburb, we are at a loss to conceive ; and indeed, if the object is only to get together a mass of senile imbecility we think Kensington,is the place best adapted to furnish the materials of such a combination of age and incapacity. If it is desirable to start an Old Fogey Club, why should the Old er which constitutes a qualifieation for membership be claimed exclusively for the “Old Putney Men,” when there are old Greenwich men, old Chelsea men, old Brompton men, old Kensingion men, aye! and old women too, that would constitute such a phalanx of suburban seniority as might make the veteranship of Putney hide its daniniahed head in the very first Welsh wig or cotton nightcap that it could catch hold of. We perceive that the rules are well adapted to the aged classes for whom the club is designed, as all the members are expected to be in bed by eleven. We fear, however, that it will not be popular with the old ladies; as “ spirituous liquors” are to be “ entirely excluded.” —————— =— Homage to the Drama. Ayornzer Dramatic Petition, infinitely more numerously signed than that presented to Mn. G. V. Brooke, will shortly be presented to an eminent tragedian, who performs within 500 miles of Oxford Street. It has already received the signatures of all the Clubs, Libraries, Reading-rooms, ind Literary and Mechanics’ Institutions in the Metropolis ; and it is to be hoped that, representing, as it does, the united intelligence of London, it will be crowned with the desired effect. ‘The object of the Petition is, we need hardly say, to beg of the eminent tragedian who performs within 500 miles of Oxford Street, as he loves the Drama and values his reputation, to have the kindness to leave for Australia as soon as he possibly can. Tue Famity Heratp.—A Monthly Nurse. (as L’ve heard our Castle called) supported me, and it wasn’t until I'd reached the maids’ room that, with the brooch in my hand, I dropt in a chair like any stone / “ May it please your Majesty, I wasn’t myself for a week ; nor, in- | deed, were any of us. Your Imperial affability turned the whole place topsy-turcy, and when you took leave of us for Russia (where you said, | as I he nts said, you hoped some day to see a certain gracious person, whom | won’t name, any further than by pointing to the highest lady in the land), when you took leave of us, not a soul knew whether they | stood upon their head or their heels. It took me more than a week | to come to anything like myself ; you put us all—as I heard one of the | Equerries was heard to say—in such a heaven of presents; a a paradise of rings and snuff-boxes. Not but what, as I’ve said before, mine was a brooch / “May it please your Majesty,—I can never forget, saving your | presence, our first meeting. I’ve been used to royal blood, being born in the Castle, the British Standard—as L’ve heard my mother say waving over my cradle! I’ve been , I say, to royal blood from a baby upwards, and have had to see things set to rights for crowned | heads of both sexes, with the rest of their royal families. But when | was called up to your imperial Majesty, my teeth did chatter, and | felt in a twitter. “There was the state-bed—and the pains I’d taken about it, bran-new | damask, with the Russian eagle in dead gold at the head and the tester | —the state-bed ; and there stood your Majesty. I see your Majesty at | this very minute. ‘ A soldier’—you said— my heart fluttered like a whole cage of little birds—‘a soldier sleeps anywhere. There I shall | sleep,’ and as you said this, you pointed with your imperial finger to a folding bedstead, in old iron, t fad } } been taken out of a portmantean, and covered with a mattrass in Russian leather. There you slept, and turning your back upon the bed of state and your own eagles in go/d and damask. | “*The Emrgzon or Russta’—said I to myself when I’d got into | my own room—‘ the Empzsor or Russia’s @ downright Christian if | ever Empzuor or Russia was!’ And upon that bedstead, and on that Russian leather, your Majesty slept every night, and the state bed was never so much as rumpled. What a lowly heart—I was always thinking ee

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ee 188 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. to myself—and although a mighty Emperor, after all what a rea/| “(Patnce PickLenenrincer, one of the Cousin-Germans to the gentleman / Kine or Prussia, has promised to get his Royal Master to send the “Your Imperial Majesty went away, and there wasn’t a dry eye in | brooch back to you. And so I ’ve done my duty to my Queen, Windsor Windsor. You might have walked over us in your boots, and hardly a | Castle, my country, and myse/y' /) soal but would have blessed your spurs. I’m bold enough to write “And now, Nicnotas—for I’ve dropped the Em r, and come this, to show you what you ’ve lost ; to bring you back to the paths of without ceremony /0 ‘Ae man—now, Nicuo.as; tremble and be warned virtue and peace, if 1’m not too bold in mentioning such things to your by what I’m guing to tell you. Last night as ever was I had a Majesty. dream. I thought you were once again im the Castle; I thought you'd “ A small reward for my attention! They were your Royal words, | onee again gone to bed upon the old irom: amd 3 thought I was neither when you put the Srooecs into my hand. Small or otherwise, it was asleep nor awake ; nor full-dressed, nor but as 4 | say, more than enough for my deserts; for what had I done, but seen that between the two. And then I dreamt Pwent ri | hore 6 when | your Majesty’s Russian leather bed was shaken, and your pillow | was awoke, as I thought still im my @ dreadful smell of smoothed! Still, that brooch I earried in my bosom ; and still, what- | something burning—burning like roasti dreaming, | jumped ever | heard against you, | believed in Loap Ansapgen (as steady- | up, my flannel gown—(which in case of L always have )—wrapped going nobleman as ever slept), and smiled in seorn. You go to war about me, and went with great presenee of mind to your room ! with Bagland/ The Empexon Nicuwoas that had given Ais armto| “Nicuo.as, there you lay, upon that iron bedstead : every bit of the our gracious (Ju nen, and smiled so with his mild eyes at every word—| iron, red-hot / There you lay, and your teeth, and \ooked at me, | he to draw the sword, and flourish it in the face of Her blessed and coulda’t sveak outright, but L thought you said something that Masesty. He who had slept upon our iron bedstead—slept sweetly as | sounded like Sigh No Pay—Sigh No Pay ; as “-— © as to say any baby—under the banner of Royal Windsor,—he to 4ring his| that no amoun' of sighs were then of any use. eli, the bedstead | | Cossacks into the Castle, and to give us all up to the proud invader! | still glared redder and redder, and you seemed turning into finder,— | “No, your Lmperial Majesty, | wouldn’t believe it. I read the | when I thought all the dead gold eagles from the state bed gave, with speeches of Loxp AperpeeN—upon my word and honour erery word | their double heads, a double scream, and I, trying to scream also—I of ’em—and was | not a female, would say, [ still swore by you. When | then awoke! ° ‘ people here called you names, | would ook down upon the brooch in| “ Nicnonas, think of the irom bedstead that a wicked Emperor’s sins my bosom, and just pity ’em. may, at his last hour, make red hot, amd “ But the seales have fallen from my eyes, and now I see the é¢ruth, “ Believe me. I’ve struggled, but at Jast give up. That brooch has got hotter and “ Still your Well-wisher and Adviser hotter, and at last began to scorch and burn me like burning coal. I “Tus Hovsexeerer.” began at first to think I couldn’t wear it without being a traitor to my Royal Mistress—(I hope she’ll never believe in an Emperor again,| “P.S. As I’ve sent back the brooch, don’t think you'd better wherever he may come from!)—but now have snatched the burning | return the garter / Your banner still hangs in St. George's Hall, but, thing away, and return into your Majesty’s hands the snake I have éoo | since the war—I don’t know what can have put it in their heads—the long warmed, flies have used it shockingly.” | tollowing, the deviee was changed to an anchor, with a motto com- plimentary to the British Navy. It is to be lamented that such genius should be provided with no better School of Desigm than the street, HUSH, BOYS, HUSH! BY AN ENRAGED MUSICIAN. Husu, boys, hush! pray do give over singing road-dirt to draw upon. We recommend the patrons of art to keep their That plaguy tune, pray hold your tiresome breath : | eyes on the crossing, lest some incipient Witk1e should be nipped in That song for ever in my head is ringing, the bud, or only live to be “ blowed” by some insensible policeman. And very soon will worry me to death. 1 do not quarrel with its sense or grammar, But that perpetual air annoys my ear, Ring, ding, ding, ding, and hammer, hammer, hammer, Oh what a horrid bore is Cheer! boys, Cheer! Hush, boys, hush! that song desist from shouting; Hfush, boys, hush! oh cease to make that noise ! Hush, boys, hash! [ cannot stand it longer, Hush, boys, hush! be quiet can’t you, boys ? Hush, boys, hnsh! especially Italian, Who that hack tane from morn to midnight grind, Far, far away, move on, each young rascalion, You ’!! drive me, else, completely out of mind. Butchers’ boys, too, at area gate attending, Whistle no longer that tormenting strain ; And let me never hear that never ending Measure, you idle bakers’ boys, again. Hush, boys, hush! you vagabonds, you varlets, Hush, boys, hush! or make some other noise ; Hush, boys, hush! you youthful ragamuffins, Hush, boys, hush !—be quiet, all you boys ! CROSSING SWEEPING AS A FINE ART. Ir is said that “New brooms sweep clean,” but a new spirit will | do more with even an old broom, than could be effected by the newest of birches in the hands of one who keeps to the ordinary track of Crossing Sweepers. ‘. a a pte in naigitonsined of A + . Palace, in the s of a ragged boy, who has started in the rather | . : = startling line of an “ Artist in Crossing Sweeping.” There are some NOTHING LIKE BEING IN THE FASHION. people who adorn every thing they touch, and here is an instance of an| Erusperated Mother. “Wort Ane YER HAT—YER YounG Hussy? aNp urchin who, while touching mud, invests it with a grace and a senti- wor 4 mrwptw rae Cxossry, as [ TOLD Ter.” ment not exactly “beyond the reach of art,” but within its legitimate| Daughter. “Har? War 4 porw some CRosmaY FRILLIV FoR MY precincts. He has converted Crossing Sweeping into one of the Fine | Trowsens to se sure. YOU WOULD'sT AVE ME DRESSED LIKE ¥O Arts, for he has decorated his crossing with various devices, in which | owz stse—wovLp reat” loyalty is the dominant feature, though patriotism sometimes enjoys — = va Saas the ascendancy. A few days ago the “ artist” had arranged the super- | fluous mud swept from crossing into the form of a crown, sur-| A Deeaprot. Brow anv Driscovracemert To tHe Porrs.— rounded by the words, “Gop save the Queen;” and on the day | “ Gentlemen, Tea’s ready.” | and that such fertile invention should have no other bank than a bank of ‘

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 189 A SUNDAY BAND OF HOPE. ne Concert performed by the Guides at Exeter Hall merits culiar notice. The yuides had been playing on the pre- vious Sunday, on Windsor Castle Ter- race, under Her Masestys window. Yet ro * Hall opened its s to receive them. Now, if Exeter Hall has no objection to a band playing at the uren’s Palace on the Sunday, of course it can have no ob-'! jection to a similar performance on the same day at the Pal-| ace of the People. We do not mean to express a wish that the People should have! “ Pop goes the Weasel,” and tunes of that description performed for their Sunday recreation at the Crystal Palace. Let Exeter Hall (on the advice of M. Costa), prescribe the programme. Sacred | y—sacred music; but, be it recollected, all music is saered : | good music being that which moves the heart the higher emotions, | and not merely lower feelings and the heels. Surely, any serious family—and seriousness sometimes degenerates into stupidity—would | be much more edified on a Sunday afternoon by hearing Hanpen and Mozart, than by sitting ate in doors dozing, and those balf awake listening to the snoring of the others. The Directors of the Crystal Palace, probably, could make some arrangement for not taking money at the Station, or at the doors of the building, if that were felt to be wrong. Admission might be had by tickets only, the requisite facilities for obtainimg them im various parts of Town bemg ided during the week. The only thing that could then remain to > deena to would be the Railway journey: but if a bishop’s carriage may take its proprietor to church on a Sund without impeachment, surely a steam engine may be permitted convey the public toa place whither they go to hear sacred music. Exeter Hall should approve of the above suggestion the more cordially that it would, if, adopted, tend greatly to the advantage of Protestantism at the expense of Popery, by setting up a rivalry to the latter im the attraction of meg ap would be much more powerful, as well as more pleasant, than the discords of controversy. A DINNER FOR EVERYBODY. Tue following deserves to take a very high place—the top of the Column—among the curiosities of DB Am, Laren os OTICE.—During a temporary residence in Brighton, a gentleman wants a youug gentlemanly man to breakfast with him, and an elderly person to dine with him, every day, daring which hours they will be treated as friends. Address, A. K., Bristol Hotel. The “ young gentlemanly.man ” must find great difficulty in breaking ee dagen, Gs ah a who w accept a on the terms proposed. It is mg sauce to the matutinal cutlet and the afternoon joint, te offer the “friendship” of the advertiser during the hours of mealtime. Who would accept a friendship that is to cool with the heater of the urn, and be ped after the cheese? who, in fact, would accept the double cut (from the joint and the host,) and come again. We cannot pretend to enter so far into the philosophy of dining and breakfastmg, as ooo | for the companion of a t, for the adjunct of a dinner. | Should the advertiser take tea, we understand his advertising for an elderly lady as an appropriate vis-a-vis at the tea table, and we can imagine the mountam of answers that the gentleman will reeeive, who wants a youthfal and an elderly companion for his daily meals. Everybody who cannot get a dinner, now an opportunity, provided he is of sufficient age. As there is no margin named im the adver- tisement, the applicants will begin at five and thirty, and go on to am almost fabulous age, till it extends to those who have not a tooth left to masticate the of their desires. We think it would be but fair on the of the advertiser to give a carte of his daily dinner, as | it may not be every kind of dmner that even the hungriest would sit | down to. We trust the advertiser will repeat his advertisement im a | more explanatory form. shall keep our eyes on the provincial papers, to watch the result. We) to speculate on the feeling which pts the selection of youth | THE DEVOTED. “Wao says that the heroic stirs no longer In this our English life: That in rude times men’s frames and hearts were stronger, aun ny bo faith ame ries at luxury bas foundat wee whic dem bud A at makes a great a mighty nation ; Till noble deed, and lly eumipetians —— Like giants, in a pigmy population, Seem monstrous | misplaced ? Whoso says this makes falsehood more than truth, Good weak, and evil strong, Sets forceful manhood under stormy youth, Asserts God’s rule is wrong. Our heart revolts against the withering creed ; a tengh our eyes ioe 9 . oi ere shines an inner , by w we It is not, and could never ce bey “7 il should on good, not on ill sueceed— Or woe to human kind ! And if sight fail, and if that inner light Darkling, at tames, appear, Out of the war, where good and evil fight | (Our fainting faith to cheer), Some champion of the Bight, when cowards fly, el Still rears his spot against the sky, Still shouts aloud his glorious rallying cry, Still shows how soldiers of the faith can die, Victors o’er World and Will. Such champions our land still has found, When needed, aye at Sneerer, put off thy sneer, and look around— Behold them where they stand ! Where storm-winds rave, and sunless skies lie dark About the Arctic shore, Devoted Franxxtn and his sailors mark, Wrestling with death upon their ice-bound bark, Wandering anon—then frozen stiff, and stark, But suffering no more. Look Southward now : the wounded of our foes Strew Alma’s bloody plain The victors march upon the battle’s close, But one wills to remain. A man we knew not—never thought to know— Whe what he can will try. Moving among that mass of pain and woe, U my work of mercy, to and He used his life in succouring the foe, Then sought his fri die ! I said “one willed to stay ”—I was unjust ; He did not stay alone, A soldier-servant shared the ghastly trust,— His name, ev’n, is unknown, And there in faith and love and duty strong, Among that writhing host oom. all day and all night long, ying chance of violence or wrong, To entomb the dead, and help the living throng— These two men held their post! Nor to men only such heroic mould Mi. 4 Loy Sn P ‘ ol w old— No nuns, yet brides of Heaven ; Forsaking all that to their sex is dear— Some, wealth—all, home and ease— Womanly pity chasing woman’s fear, They go to bind lopped limbs, pale heads to rear, And wah soft touch, and softer speech to cheer Our sufferers o’er the seas ! If England have aught good, ’tis that she knows Due reverence to give To those who die in duty’s work, and those For duty’s work who live. Grieving for al! that these great dead have borne, All these great living bear, Folnee they die and onion, to adorn with examples—s though we mourn, In our hearts and our children’s shall be worn While men breathe English air! hate = aa oe aan sam a on

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{ } | —- ee Me ee ee = - PS — neces 190 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ae gr a Si | CHARLES? WAIN | } 7 a ws ~ jae 1 THE LORD MAYOR’S SHOW AS IT OUGHT TO BE. HOW I'nrovGa the pine-trunks spare, o’er the steppes so bare, Who walks with a of pride ? A maiden fair, with abundanee of hair, And nothing on beside! With her unshod feet o’er the stones she stept, And when she came to a brook, Lightsomely over the water she leapt, And all were free to look. Neither for man nor boy she stopt— _ Well might they stand at gaze— Nor ever her broad bright eyes she dropt, ‘ L' hough Sens stood wide with pa. nd —a sight must own exceedingly rare In any civilised land— U'bis travelling fair no | did bear, But a lookjng-glass in d— In which—a tent more singular still— She ne’er looked at her own perfections, Though all she met might stare their fill, — — in their own ne eny Ob wonder woman! a baggageless A In purissimis naturalibus On a steppe, where from daylight to dark you t might pass, Nor e’er have a chance to hail a buss ! So lightly she walked, and swiftly she ran, Until she came to the Prath— When I knew her face seen by man— The naked lady was 7ruth “Oh, Lady, Lady, whither away ? *Tis Russia’s frontier-water. On this side of the stream you had better stay, For across it you "ll get no quarter. They ’ll you with an iron gag, To Siberia send, or knout you, | Have I borne all THEY TREAT TRUTH IN For hitherto it has been their brag That they get on best without you.” Oh proud was the light in her eye so bright, As she tossed her wavy hair That it showered a blaze of golden rays About her forehead fair. And then came a voice, made my heart rejoice, With its music clear and strong— “ Have I through mire, and flood and fire— Have I braved all wrath and wrong— Have I shaken my glass in the tyrant’s face— Have I reared it strong in faith, Where priest|y knaves were teaching slaves That to look therein was death— ins, and worn all chains, And smiled on brand and bar— That Siberia or knout, should bar me out From the Empire of the Czar ! | T laughed as I heard, thy warning word, | _ How I prize it, be witness true.” ; With a flash and a gleam, on the Pruth’s wide stream— She ’s in and she’s over too! There ’s a rattle and clank on the further bank, Where, all in the Muscovite m Stands, sword on flank, a corté rank To receive her from the 1 | And through the rushes, with bows and blushes, And discreetly averted face, wo Generals hand fair Truth to land, With the well-known Russian ! right about, As the 8 out, all face | Sis dreading fo behold hee: | Tegugha young aide or two tahe 0 hind of clue, And a sort of a glance o’er the shoulder, RUSSIA. As much as to hint, t A stare, if they were d make the squint t bolder. Then in that choice Russian, that bars discus- sion, She ’s informed, that on the border They are waiting for her, as a garde d'honneur, | By the Emperor’s special order. = “ Madame is not aware how the Russian air Will try the best complexion : Being used, ’tis true, to travel 4 swe— So, if she have no objection Or whether she have or not, they have here A costume ‘ gui ira 4 Madame a ravir, Of the Emperor’s own selection.” Poor Truth is used to being abused, Cuffed, cursed, kicked, prisoned ; But can these be her foes, who in such fine clothes So politely have her bedizened ? There’s a coat for her use, of an Jnvalide | Russe, And to ward off the cold hybernal From the head to the feet she is swathed in Of the St. P. Journal ! Ruefully gazes Truth, poor As each article they throw her— Alas, she doesn’t know herself, And how should others know her ? Her dressing done, of A Consnalt on ptt =. Truth’s politely informed that she’s free to run, And pose before Pole, Fi In the uniform of inn, Tatar, and Hun, ia | scourged, and im-

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NTT i} NM AMAT HY Sb ; Uy it] \ > £ 4 NS \ THE EMPEROR (WITH THE MILD EYES TO THE NAKED TRUTH. Novempen 11, 1854. ), eee fff he ) OBJECTS [Puxca, No. 696.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 193 A GREATER MAN THAN THE EMPEROR OF ALL THE RUSSIAS. or old friend Mapame Tussavp’s Exhibition will be very in- eomplete, without the addition of the extraordinary model mentioned in the subjoined paragraph from the Liverpool Standard -— “A Mover Casmayx.—The other night James Lomas, a Cabman, re- ceived haif-a-sovereign from his fare, in mistake, which he duly returned next day to hisemployer, Ma. Hamer, stating from whom he had it. We believe that Lomas, who bas been 20 years in Me. Hamen's employ, has heen freqnently known to do similar acts. Some little while ago, one of our Merchants, residing in Aigburth, had a sovereign returned him by Lomas, which had been given him in like manner by mistake. Such traits of honesty in a class who are too often known as affording examples of an opposite line of conduct, cannot have too much publicity, inasmuch as it gives an excellent incentive to others to follow the like example.” Lomas is really a mueh greater man than the majority of those of whom likenesses are made in wax or even in marble. In any well- ordered eollection of images, molten or graven, his figure would be im a high position. His bust would be put along with the good ; and not in the same row with Courvotsrer and Dawren Goon. At what a height it would be classed above the Emperor or Ruseta’s! indeed, could not be suffered to stand on the rank of common cabmen ; fellows who are guilty of mere extortion and insolenee, and not of absolute robbery: much less of murder. It would have to be ranged with that of Nero, and the casts of Burke, and Biswor, and Witiams; differmg from only in wanting—for the present— perhaps only for the present—a certain groove around the neck. Why compare the Expesror Nicnonas with Lomas the Capman ? Beeause the comparison between the two individuals, conspicuous at the same moment, is natural. Nicnonas and Lomas appear in the papers together ; both remarkable: one as an honest man, the other as | @ Ville; Lomas with his twenty years of good character, and good life: Nicnotas with his more than twenty years of infamy and evil reign. Lomas is the greater man. He bas more in him of that which constitutes man. All the magnitude of Nicuotas consists in what is bestial. If a boa-constrictor were endowed with a little intellect, and | had great power given it over men, the reptile would act just as the Czar does: that Russian serpent, whose head is in the Baltic, and tail in the Black Sea, whence, unless it is chopped off there, it will coil Europe. Ascend, mentally, towards Heaven, some little way higher than you can soar in a balloon: then look down at Lomas restoring the coin, and at NicHoLas gg ee the territory, which, respectively, did not belong to them. see which is the finer thing. Observe, as rise, how the acts of the two men come more and more largel into moral contrast. . How, by all the greatness of the Czar’s | raseally enterprise, as apparent to the eyes of snob and flunkey, decreases. ‘Lhe thunder of the cannon gets fainter and fainter till you cease to hear it, the death-fires dwindle to sparks, and the glimmer of arushlight. But the act of which the noise and the blaze are acces- sories remains neither more nor less than an attempt at burglary, accompanied with murder. As the planet beneath you grows more and more like a star, the erime divested of all the dignity which it derives, in that planet, from ing a large part of it; loses all the importance attaching to the robbery which is extensive: and appears - petty as any.larceny that does not arise from want, and pettier an that. _On the other hand the upright condact of Lomas increases in mag- nitude as you regard it from ht regions. You see the half-sovereign not in its proportion to the ri of the Bank of England, but in its relation to the earnings of acabman. It then seems a great enough thing to part with: and you perceive that as a work of indefinite charity was done by a » With a mite, so may a considerable act of justice be performed by a cabman with a ten-shilling piece. A New Opening. OrsTzR-kyives are much cheaper this year. This cheap we understand, is principally owing to the number of razors that have the and Moustache movement, and that have been driven, poor blades, into the oyster line to find an KEAN v. PICKARD—MANAGER v. MUSICIAN, Mr. Cuartes Krav is the depositary of a trust, a public trust, and he knows it, and comforts himself accordingly, “He is licensed to give the best entertainment to a scrupulous English public: and there- upon he engages the very best horn-players and fiddlers (the most musical brass and the most melodious cat-gut) for his orchestra. More- over, that the English public aforesaid may have its sensitive, appre- ciative ears, always fed and entertained, the managerial trustee binds every trumpeter and fiddler in a bond of ten pounds “ not to be absent ” from the duties of trumpeting or fiddling, when required in the orchestra, The British public expect the presence of the musicians, and the British public should have it. This cause came on last week in the Southwark county court, and ended with a burst of triumph for the manager. It is long indeed since Ma. Cuantes Kean has made so successful a hit. The fiddler is punished, the fiddler is muleted in the sum of ten unds (“a jewel with a fiddler’s keeping”): nevertheless, the very justice of the verdict causes the contemplative, philosophic mind to ask—wherefore should not the like justice be out in every case in which the British public, as patient visitors to the Princess’s Theatre, are deeply interested? often, for instance, have they | oallgg see Macbeth according to Suaxspzanr, and Macbeth, the e, has been from the rising of the curtain to the going down of the same, absent—absent oy when, as proved, wanderin with Jutiren? How often have sim folks laid down har shillings in the belief that, at the Princess’s, they were to see Hamlet : and Hamlet has been altogether omitted, there being nobody in his place but Ma. Caantes Kean? These thoughts entered the brain of Punch, and—all for the sake of the public, for why should fiddlers be fined, and managers go free P— | Punch put the case to a counsel very learned in the laws of the land. | Could the public recover of Mr. Kean for the absence, throughout the whole play, of Hamlet or Macbeth, when duly advertised to appear, or otherwise to be fully and efficiently represented? Could the public recover? In a word, could they have their money back ? And the counsel answered—“ No; because at the foot of the play- bills there is this intimation—No money returned!” Let it therefore be clearly understood that people pay for Suaksrzare at the Princess’s wholly at their own peril. NURSES OF QUALITY FOR THE CRIMEA. Tue noble example set by Miss Nicuttncacz has excited emulation. A large number of young ladies met, yesterday, at Puyitis’s Kooms, to take into consideration the question of proceeding to the Crimea, . in the capacity of Nurses. The fauteuil was oecupied by the How. Miss Fiovuycesren, who, in a few words, expressed the object of the assembly. She said every one was talking of the dreadful state the Soldiers were in for want of proper Nurses. Who could bear to think of it without doing all she could to relieve the suffering which they were enduring on our account ? It would be so pretty, too, as well as so right, to go out as Nurses ‘to the poor fellows. Miss Nicuttyeane had given a fon to the thing > and on one’s return one would be quite distinguée. They had had some | experience in dressing; and now was the time to show it. Miss Wa rtztvenam said that an evening party gave her no pleasure when she thought of the balls flying about at Sebastopol. Who could enjoy an ice or a glass of lemonade, whilst our heroes had no one to hand them a little toast-and-water? She was quite willing to go out, = 9 the passage might be unpleasant: and a voyage always made er ill. Miss PotkeR would be delighted to go. She had heard of baggage- waggons, and should not mind riding im one a bit. Or if that was all, she could mareh. Give her only a parasol and her Indian-rubber — and she would walk ever so far—she would walk the military 5. Miss Piscrva Corestore said that the ministry of surgical aid to the wounded by female hands was customary in the ages of faith. The roposed act of self-devotion was approved by the Church, and no loubt the bishops would bestow their blessing on it: so that it woald an eee: ‘Yo attend the sick was one of the corporal works mercy. Miss Wactzy said she hoped it was sergeant as well as corporal. Miss Gurezwwoop said they should take plenty of things with them. She did not mean clothes; but things for the poor men. Stuff to rub in for bruises: for how bad must be a bruise from a great cannon ball! And then there would be such sad cuts to dress. Every one who went as nurse had better take out plenty of Court plaster. Here a desultory conversation ensued as to which would be the | costume most eligible for the lady-nurses. That of Le Figlia det | ed cael a om arm 2 ad

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= - " as ih “ " a Oe ee 194 frock and gray mantle would be more comme il faut. At this stage of the proceedings, Dowacer Lapy Stroner’tn’ nap entered the room, and, her opinion being asked of the contemplated expedition, replied, that it was a - generous and spirited enterprise to attempt, a noble demonstration on the part of the women of England and would at least be a cheering expression of sympathy toward our brave army. Perhaps before proceeding as nurses to the Crimea, a day’s experience at Saint Batholomew’s Hospit would be advisable. But however praiseworthy was the display of enthusiasm now ; however much called for; it must never be called for again. It was the business of the Government to provide proper nurses for military hospitals: and not to leave the duties of the soldier’s nurse to be undertaken by young ladies of rank and fashion, who knew not PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Reggimento was pupae, but it was ultimately decided that Miss Nicutixcate’s brown zm “TIMID COUNSELS.” Tue use of the words “timid counsels” by the Empzxom or THe Frencu, has caused ma. discussion, and many people in authority have assumed that the words have been directed against them, as a reflection on their umed want of energy. We understand that the Beadle of the Lowther Arcade has had the words thrown in his teeth more than once by those who are | ae eee even as yet what it was to nurse a baby. RUSSIAN TOYS. Tre Russian Prisoners in England’and France are amusing their leisure, and increasing their resources, by the manufacture of smail toys, models, and knick-knacks, in the making of which they display much ingenuity, and for which a ready sale is found. That such of Wr. Punch’s | readers as may desire any other reminder of the war than the daily papers and the doubled income-tax afford, may be able to make a —— he subjoins a list which has been furnished to him by authority. ‘Pre Kyout.—These models are very neatly constructed, and the makers have evidently enjoyed the advantage of close personal acquaintance with the object they have reproduced. The Knout for the Emreror’s male children is made with an ebony handle, that with which | the God of Russia and the Father of his People causes his daughters to be chastised (for their good) is in ivory. executioner’s knout, which can either prolong a culprit’s agonies during a morning, or dismiss him to another tribunal with a couple of cuts, according to the will, or temper, of his Imperial Father, is made from some treasured bits of the nelle used in the Cathedral of St. Isaac. Mopet Caynon.—These are in wood, and are exact copies, reduced, of the guns in the unreduced ports of the Baltic. The modellers vouch for their accuracy, the guns and miniature balls having been made out of the same w as the originals which have kept Sim CHar.es Naprer at bay. Human Fieunes.—These are not very successful. The Russian | idea of male beauty seems to be enormous height, and black moustaches. | Nor are the female figures much better, with the exception of some | ingenious ones in an elaborate model of the shrine of Minsk. The | nuns, in every attitude of terror and torture, are re ted as under- | going the penalties which were inflicted by the Father of his ry a upon these contumacious religionists, and the led bedies of t girls who bave been murdered are depicted with much eed accuracy. _Dussgctep Mars.—A few of these, suggested by educational remi- | niscences, have been drawn and carved by the prisoners. The world is their chief subject. Russia is the centre, and all the other countries | are small islands, lying in shadow. ne jealous of his high and dignified position. ‘he ray A case that has been made out against him, is founded on a statement, that one day last week, when there was an un ly large col- lection of boys at the western entrance of the Arcade, he, instead of ing to immediate action, was heard to exclaim, “Come, come, young chaps, I’d advise you to move on:” which of itself might perhaps come under the | head of “timid counsels!” We are, however, | authorised to state, that he added the words, “or L’ll precious soon make you:” which at once redeems the advice or “counsel,” given above, from all taint of timidity. | The Lost Sheep Restored. We were lamenting the other day the condition | of some lost sheep, or rather, we were deploring the absence of a lost shepherd. The Reverend | absentee has, however, satisfactorily explained | his supposed desertion of his flock, and we are | happy to do him justice by announcing that he had provided a temporary pastor, who was seized | with illness, and his curate being “ indisposed,” there was nothing but an extemporaneous per- | formance of morning service for the parishioners to fall back upon. e are happy to do justice | to the rector, and relieve him from the imputa- tion of wilful neglect of his pastoral duties. Macuryery.—Generally speaking, the models of machines attempted by the prisoners are ludicrously simple. A miniature cart, for con- veying wheat, is exactly in the primitive form described by Henopotvs, on which no improvement has been made for ages, and a water-machine is precisely that which has been in working on the banks of the Nile from time immemorial. But a little contrivance for a lemon-squeezer or similar purpose, is clever. It has a series of clutches, each more rigid than the preceding. In satire, it is to be presumed, the makers give each a name. The lemon they call the ok cal the first squeeze is given by a pair of flaps called the Crown. Then a closer hold is taken by a pair Coe. called the Lord. After this comes the Soldier, next the Oficial. And when all these have exhausted the lemon, and it is nearly dry, it is pierced through by a sort of prod called the Priest, and ae) ae gi is obtained. The invention is said to be in general use in Russia, OUR HANDS IN OUR POCKETS. Bartons hate war because of its cost ; Money that’s spent in fighting is lost, Only the loss were worse, did we not Fire away cash in powder and shot. Britons, however, know this thing, Better to fire it away than fling : Out, therefore, being forced to shell, Whilst they ’re about it, they do it well. So that, as well as rocks and hills, Offices, factories, shops and mills, Echo with “ Nicuotas to the ground : In for a penny, in for a pound!” Not Bad for a Beginning. A youne beginner, whom we are rather anxious to encourage, sends us the following, as his first attempt :—“ The difference between the two tates, who rule over the destinies of Turkey and Russia, is simply this—the one is a Sultan, and the other insultin’.” a a . i a © 4&5 est ee Ss Oe ms 2a Aa =e & a2 Ss Se ot ee ee ee — —-—" = — fs he at eee — o— a 2a ad

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ee ee er

_Jupez Beaxum Tombs.”

PUNCH’S AMERICAN NOVELIST. @@ To te Trang, ow Born srpes oF Tue Artiantic Ocgay. Ms. Poycn gives notice that until England and the United States think proper to devise a mutual Law of Copyright, he, for one, intends to ammex—or (if Anglo-Saxon be preferred to Anglo-Ame rican) to ¢ pleases, or rather what pleases him, from the works of Transatlantic anthor. He trasts that the system of reci- plunder will be pushed to the uttermost in both countries, that affording, as it seems to him, the only chance of arousing the statesmen of the two nations to the propriety of doing justiee to the Labour of the Brain. mh way of setting a good , he te purloin the following brilliant and sparkling tale from the pen of one of the most fashi le authors of the States. As it is now the custom for i to set forth their own disin- terested opinion of the works issue, Mr. Punch will add that the tale he thus submits is a and exquisite specimen of popular American fiction, in which of ox own Silverfork school are charmingly blended with with the strong effeets of the French novelists ; while j in addition, such is paid to millinery, upholstery, and the almighty , as befits writer who addresses a commercial community. GOLD AND STEEL. @ Story of New Bork. GRacEeruLLY—oh how y did the lovely Aturyta St. Junirew « glide through the dance that night. The glorious creature moved with hat proud and swanlike freedom known only to women whose infancy pm been swaddled in the star-spangled banner, freedom to which neither the awkward yet haughty aristeerat of London, nor her superior, the elaborate-mannered and artificial dame of Paris, can ever pretend. The costly velvet, gary, from Dacsy anp Jewxuns’s, scarcely yielded to her white satin s ith Wreaw ‘oweRr’s gilted chisel hed the salon, scarcely equalled in elegance its beautiful young mistress. How superbly she ooked, as the strains of Bawixy’s wonderful band bore her on their stream of melody—how the diamonds, with which her robe , was thickly set at every hem, flashed in the light of one of Renonorn’s world famous or-molu chandeliers. She was indeed a rapture and a | gush, and an —_ from the stars. Masic—what need © 3 Axsreta of music to mark jer steps? She of had imbibed, it is true, the of our most celebrated professors, | whose skill (asi is admitted by all who have seen American dancing) is unequalled. But she it not. The plash-dew from the marble | fountain in *.. ‘tilded ball fell not more certamly upon the rich mosaic | pavement than did her tiny foot touch the embossed flowers at the ven moment when it was due. Her heart, her soul, were in the , and a planet might have strayed from its appointe d orbit more — ‘than could Ausinia St. JuLLiEw have swerved from her graceful | “nthe Howovnas.e Horace F. Pornecxy watched her with a lover’s | intense gaze. Could aught earthly come up to Atsinia, that godlike form, redolent of nature’s nobility, might seem to balance her. A tall, = forehead, lustrous as marble, exquisitely voluptuous Grecian eatures, eyes of the most unutterable violet, jetty as the raven’s wing—such was Horace F. Portwcxy. Already he had disti | himself in the field — in the —< Though still under sixteen, the dauntless young republican had made his voice heard in the Cauens | and to Buyxu, coloare he looked delicately feminine, those who | glanced at his rose vest om see hetween it and his richly- embroidered cambrie silver-handled bowie-knife, which had been drawn nae times, ~—— thries had his country lost a son. He leaned against the jetty mantel-piece, and his small whii« hand, adorned | with a priceless emerald, lay like a snow-flake upon a nigger. As Avsrsia and his for a moment from the polka, Horace concluded to ask her “ Pretty lady,” he said, im the rich, sweet voice peculiar only to the | wah and to the American, “may my devotion aspire to the next spin wi a! would hope,” said her partner, a Judge of great celebrity, “that are iI have acquitted myself so well that I shall not be discharged as yet.” “IT guess you are a queer Judge, some,” retorted the spirituel | Horace, “ not to know that eabenge. always follows acquittal.” “Then I move for anew trial,” said the Judge, ——— d at being , thus successfully reckoned up by one so much you | | “ Rule refused, with costs, responded meee, s and the next mo- ment his arm was around the; yielding waist of the beauty, and he bore heraway. The dark eye of m7 Judge lowered flashingly upon him, but it was for an instant on Trained to conceal his fiercest emotions, is countenance, for at that moment Ma. Sr. JULIEN, one of the wealthiest New York merchant-princes, came up. | “Saw you on the cars this morning, Judge, and afterwards at at the as she skimmed along, and the alabaster nymphs | Papists without the P: Apists of Papists. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 195

“ T did not see you,” replied the other. At that instemt the sight of Avpryia and Horace, revolving with excessive and looking the delight each felt in the other's admiration, stung with an unaccustomed pang, and he vowed vengeance. Accustomed to all the artifices of law, a plot was with Jupes Braxum the work of a moment. His fiendly smile followed the coruscating couple, as the costly robe of ALsrvia touched him, like a seraph’s wing, in her flight. and he said to Mr. Sr. Juin, glancing at Honace— “I hope that he means to escape. Swi exaggeration, but forgery is a blunder.” The old man’s eyes opened widely, but the expression on the Judge’s face defied his serutiny. After a moment or two of vacant staring, Me. Sr. Junurew led him into a charmingly furnished boudoir, where e haughty Judge | is but smartness in _ three golden lamps spread at once soft It demanded what} incense, and — seating himself wpon a white satin couch, d what he meant, “ | thought was posted up,” said the Judge, “ or | would not haye mentee My duty forbids my adding another word, except to assure you, in confidence, that Portucky is to-night a beggar, and will to-morrow be a prisoner.” i a that is r And “And he dares dance with my chi left to me of her sainted mother, exeept with lurid light gleaming from ‘io sand oven, be daaied a costly erystal vase, filled with expensive exoties, hack to the

gorgeous salon. _—— had —~ and ioe 7 reclined upon | the manly shoulder of Honace. with the exertion. “ Quit that, and follow me, b rather than said the old that Axsusta should hear him, but as our immortal bard expresses it, ‘a lover’ ear will gaze an e mute.” The rich blood manticd over her lovely countenance, and pressed the hand of her companion in speechless terror. There was no ——-s the seowl on that old man’s face. Homace hesitated, and moment Ansrera’s overwrought emotions mastered her. Unable to a a 4 sung out with the full, rimging note of the dying swam— “ Boston is a pretty town, ‘and no te Philasatphy; You shall have a wugar-plum, And |'ll have one myseif-y.” And with a few incoherent words—as “Wasmiworon — |iberty— Prerce—” what is ever at the heart of a true American girl, even in the hour of agony, she dropped upon the embroidered carpet. Po Portucxy dashed himself aoe beside her with a wild ery horror, whieh struck deep, even to the soul of the Judge. Did he remember how a im the trackless forest marshes of the Sus- — red girl —— But why speak of memories ! = roused to new frenzy, seized the elegantly cut collar of m.. z's "wall Siting coat, and sought to drag him from Axuinia, The young man looked up with a tiger-glare, and the glittering bowie- knife leaped from his bosom. In an instant he regarded Max, Sr. Juturen, as if about to annihilate = but the next moment instinct taught him who was his foe, and with a pard-like bound he sprang towards the Judge, and dashed the knife full upon his heart. A shriek of horror burst from all, followed by a cry of wild surprise as the well- tem blade flew into innumerable rs. The Judge drew a revolver. Horace Potriucky felt he was doomed. But his eyelid did not quiver, his cheek did not} pale. He confronted his stern enemy with an eye stern as his own. “ Down with him, Judge!” shrieked the remorseless old man. “ Shan’t,” replied the Judge. “I only did it to try him. T ing id not hurt me—wi ple is my vocation, you know. He cou fodies. turn away their heads for a moment ?” Every fair eye was veiled by o delicate Judge, for a moment unbut kerchief as the gossamer his waistcoat, showed a polished — ‘man, close at the side of Horace. ‘oe een, had not meant |

steel cuirass below - eeu anoelt A again, he raised ALBINiA | from the ground, and as she lovely eyes he placed her in Horace’s arms. “ In the name of the glorious Bey whose servant I am,” he said, solemnly, “I pronounce you man and wife. If you say a word, old man, L’! "send you to the Tombs. Ma. PorLucky is rich and virtuous. I am his father, which accounts for,it.” The Porzockrss inhabit the handsomest honse in New York, and » two of the most distingnished among the Upper Ten Thousand. Nicholas the Less. To war by Nicnotas compelled to go, We fight for something more than statu quo ; Of all the Russias Autocrat ?—nay, come, An’t please the pigs, he shall surrender some. Memonanpom vor Sr. Pavr’s, K»stewtspampes.—Puseyites are

etn tg Mie ere + _" oa.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A Aa —— NIE LORD PALMERSTON'’S PRIZE (AGRICULTURAL) BABY. CLERKS AT STARVATION PRICES. | . Wen we headed an article the other day with , the words “ Thieves Wanted,” we felt satisfied | that a demand for anything would always produce +a supply, and we are therefore not astonished at a communication from a “ House,” enclosing to us a shower of answers having been received to an advertisement for an ill-paid collec- torship. We do not mean to say that all the un- fortunate young men, whom dire necessity may drive to the degradation of becoming for a hard place at a , are posi- tively dishonest ; but we maintain that a task- master who stipulates for over-work at under-pay, is not justified in expecting first-rate integrity from men whose remuneration is out of all pro- portion to the confidence reposed in. them That a worthless gituation shéuld be |a class which is to plunge recklessly into the first semblance of the means of liveli- | hood which offers itself; and —_— the hopes | of decent subsistence may be das be a fresh supply of victims ready to embrace the | hollow delasion. Louis Napoleon and the English Bar. THERE was a rumour on the first day of Term | in Westminster Hall, that Mzsszs. Brrercess land Dunvp had ressed a respectful me- morial to the Emperor or THE Frencu, calling |on him to say whether, if he didn’t mean Lorp Aserpeen, or Apmirat Donnas, he intended to allude to either Mr. Brreriess or Mr. Dewvp, or both, when he made use of the words | “ timid counsels,” } i } } An Answer is Requested. “ No man is an hero to his valet-de-chambre ; ” —but we wonder if an exception could be made in favour of the Empgror or Russia ? We want to know if Nicwotas is not a Nero to his valet, and his aides-de-camp, and all about him ? OPERATIC PROVERB. a eagerly | sought after proves nothing but the existence of | ed after the | | experience of a few weeks, there will always | You may engage a Tenor, but. you cannot make him sing. THE PESTILENCE AND ITS BROTHER. As Nicnotas, the other night, was sitting all alone, Now smiling, as he fancied that he heard our soldiers groan, Then cursing his own legions for their failures in the war, The Cuocexa, in a demon’s form, appeared before the Czar. The Tyrant shuddered at the sight: he thought his hour had come, A shriek stuck in the throat of him: the Avurocrat was dumb. So pvesty did livid fear his heart and midriff wring ; Or he had howled as a hangman howls whose turn it 1s to swing. The spectre with its bat-like wings the quaking monarch screened ; “ Fear not,” it cried, “ my Nicnotas, my Brother in the Frenp : I love thee as Asprametecn doth tender Asmopal, Or Motocn Meruistorweces, or Zamret ZaTanat. “ What ? The destroyer I destroy ?—dismiss that idle fear. Ho! no, no, no, my fellow Curse ; to warn thee I am here. As yet thou art but flesh and blood : their tenure is but slight, t Thou mightest be where Henop is before to-morrow night. ; “* All in good time; meanwhile, thou hast a mission to fulfil, ; More human creatures to torment, to ruin, and to kill ; ; Unless mankind, whose foe thou art, against thee should combine, And I fear they will, because they hate thy name as much as mine. “Tam a Pest, that, like thyself, the world hath to endure ; See how the wretches search in vain for me to find a cure ; But thee, incarnate Brother, thee, malevolent Disease, How easy to the nations ’twere to cure thee, did they please. “ How sure a dose were mixed for thee, with England and with France, If Germany to physic thee united weuld advance, For every honest German heart, as thou full well must know, Abhors thee and thy Cossacks, as he hates the place below.” “ My Crorera,” said Nicwotas, recovered of his dread, _ “ The Germans whom you talk of, with the Prussians at their head, Are slaves of slaves of slaves ; I mean, of women, slaves of mine : Small fear have I that Germany against me will combine ! ” “ Then,” said the Cuouera, “ fare thee well ; on sewage-reek I’m off. | What ukase or what message can I take to Mewrscuikorr ? I’m going to Scbishenel, Chere corpses taint the air, To carry on the work thou didst begin im Turkey there.” . | SETTLING FOR SINOPE. | | Korntiorr, Nacurorr, executers of the Sinope massacre, both off! Who’ll be the next off? Let us hope, Romanorr. Tune is a clever little book, by the Reverewp Atrnep Garry, ‘called The Bell, and published by Mr. Brut, of Fleet Street. is ® pity it hadn’t been “Ma. Bexs, of Bell Yard,” and then the set of | “ta ‘BELLE’ ASSEMBLER.” | Bells had been complete. 1 ———————— - Printed by William , of No. 13, Upper Woburn im the Parish of St. Pancras, and Mullett of No. 27, Victoria Street, in the Parish of St. Margaret and St, Joba, Westminster, bot! oo Comnty ef Mies hea te tene : Beas reerretised Uwinetiare, in the City af Loulon and Published by them at No. 86, Flewt Sizest im the Parish of St. Bride, 2 ll, 4, the Olty of London. —Sarvapar, November

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 197 | ee THE GREAT PIG QUESTION. E have all heard of Vt the expediency of get- ting up a “ery” for election purposes, but we never expected to find the British Lion superseded by that much less noble and far more disgusting beast, the Pig, as a medium for appealing to the riotic pas- sions of the peo le. Nevertheless, t ig is beginning to be held up as the animal round which the Swinish multitude are invited to rally. “ Love me, love my Pig!” is taking the place of the old invocation in favour of the dog— hitherto considered as the friend, we ma add the honourable friend, of man; and “Please the Pigs!” will soon be equivalent to saying “ Please the Populace.” To prove that we are not unduly depreciating the public to the porcine level, and looking at a subject with an obliquity of vision, caused by prejudice having a sty in our eye, we quote the following from a printed address to the Independent Burgesses of Leicester :— “ GewTLemex,— You will in a few days be called upon to Elect fit and proper persons to rep your I sts in the Council Chamber; and we would, on the present 4 m, particularly impress upon you, at all the Ward Meetings in the Borough, to ask the parties who offer themselves as Candidates. ‘WHETHER THEY ARE AVERSE To THe Keertrc or Swixe, wWaere THEY ape Kerr Cuzay.’ If they object to Swine being Kept, turn them to the ‘ right-about-face,’ and tell them plump that you won't vote for them.—One and all, stick to this, and you will find plenty of Gentlemen who will come forward to protect your interests.” It is evident that the “ Pig’Party ” is beginning to make itself heard with a force of grunt that cannot be ignored, and the Leicester electors are willing to t one, of whom they know nothing except that “ he don’t object to pigs,” t may be a mere “ pig in a poke” as to their a with his general attributes. It is evident that in the Borough of Leicester the pearls of health and cleanliness are to be thrown away before swine, for “ Pig or no Pig!” is to be the question proposed to all who ask for a vote, and rejection stares in the face of the anti-hoggish candidate. We do not know where tle electors are to find a public man ready to throw himself into the arms of the Pig Party, and the only way to secure an individual who will not set his face against swine is to look out for some Bath Chap as a represen- tative. LORD PALMERSTON WANTED. We lately saw in the papers a complaint from the worthy magistrate of the Hammersmith Police Court, as to the unfitness of the building in which “Justice to Hammersmith” is necessarily administered. As Lorp Patmerston is a sort of Government Times, to whom every body is to write who wants an evil officially redressed, we take the liberty of calling his Lordship’s attention to the rickety old tenement which forms the Hammersmith Temple of the Suburban Tuemis. Supposing the blind goddess to have been set down at the corner of Brook by an omnibus, she must grope her way into the Court itself, which it seems is held in a small room where the magistrate is almost backed into the grate, to up a fitting distance from the prisoners, who, if the room were furnished, would have to oecupy the 8 i As to the witness-box ing the room to be furnished—there would be nothing available the cellaret, from which a “party” could give his ; an‘ the Clerk could only enjoy the semblance of a partition from the general throng by the aid of the fire-screen. As to Counsel, when they attend, and Solicitors or their clerks, they must all be pant , together in a space of some few feet square, under the very nose of Justice; and as some Counsel are rather foul- mouthed, the nose of Justice is not always treated to a very agreeable bouquet. It appears also, from the complaint of the Magistrate, as reported in the Times, that there being no waiting-room for witnesses, they are, if it is necessary to order out of Court, sent literall ee, and fosnenty a Soe, ee Gat a. pa to ~ to evi a ve 0 not a ened cbs them. . Y cannot refrain from drinking it long before that hour. A glance at the exterior of the building has been sufficient for as, and we have often wondered that Police Court, whieh is the only | tribunal for the poor, should be made so difficult of access, that there | is nothing but an old tumble-down ladder—for we can hardly fy it | with the title of “a flight of steps”—to get up to it. So ly said | something about some surveyor having done something or nothing, or | meaning to do something some time or other about some improvement ; | but if the underlings are inactive, or there is an impolitic shabbiness about the necessary money being granted for the accommodation of the public, we invite the attention of Lonp Patmerstow to the state of the case, and we have no doubt the lazy subs will all quicken their movements. In the mean time, as the severe weather is coming on, we would suggest the erection of a large gig umbrella outside the door of the Court, as a shelter for those who are waiting on business—there being no accommodation within—and the umbrella could, of course, be removed at the close of the business of the day, to prevent any infringement of the law as to obstructions of the thoroughfare. IN RE SEBASTOPOL, THE QUEEN v. NICHOLAS. “Mr. Ponca “ By advice from the seat of war we are informed that the batteries opened some weeks since on Se , that an assault is in contemplation. Now, Sir, t an assault may take place without a battery, it is impossible that a can take place without an assault. Jf I brandish. my fist in your face, that constitutes an assault ; if I extend it a little farther hit you, the act amounts to battery; so that assault precedes battery, and bat is the sequel and consummation of t. Query, therefore, if the defendant, when the present case of ejectment has been decided, should bring an action for damages (which will probably be considerable) would not it be correct that his plea should allege a tort sustained by assault and | battery, and not, whatever the news may state to the contrary, | by battery and assault? I am not defendant’s attorney : that gentle- man, I believe, is Mu. Baiont: I merely moot the question as a legal problem, and am, “ Your obedient Servant, without prejudice, “ Chancery Lane, Nov, 1854.” “Scrmg Facias.” BULLS AND BEARS. The Midnight Oil. Taz Rassians are so ignorant because they will not study—in other | words, they do not “consume the midnight. oil;” and one of the reasons why they do not consume it at “ midnight,” is because they | | Lavarn’s Favovnite Tuxs.—“ Partant pour |’ Assyrie.” VOL. XXVII. te tm a al

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| Benefit Societies, in which a sabseription of £1 entitles | head presiding at ar 198 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE GAMBLING GERMAN GOVERNMENTS. Y a printed prospectus with which we have been favoured, we see that a series of State Distributions will be made, — ane ie he ryan 4 advantages, exhibited in large capitals—a species of capital in which the speculators would seem to be particularly rich, if we may judge by the display they make of it. “With a single Stake of £1 in the Sardinian State Distribution, you will gain £21,250!!! ‘With asingle Stake of £Z2in the Hessian State you will gain £25,000!!! “ With asingle Stake of £10 in the Frankfort State Distribution, you will gain £43,500!!!" If £1 will gain £21,359, we should like te know the extent of the fund out of which the gain is to be paid, an’ we can but wonder at the lavish liberality which is prepared to make such an “alarming sacrifice.” ‘The proposal reminds us of some o° those “ery benevolent subscriber to a pension of £10 a year—as soon as he can get it. If these petty German States cannot go on without lotteries to pay their expenses, it would be better for the princes to take bazaars at some of the watering places ia the Season, when the fact of a crowned ing table, or a princess giving whirls to a wheel _ of fortane, micht bring more: grist to the German mills, than can be obtained through these “State Distribution” dodges, which, instead of bringing grist, exeite only the “chaff” of those whose duty it is to protect the pockets of the community, Se ee WONDERFUL IMPROVEMENTS IN ENGLAND. | . . . ! [t is strange the extraordinary improvements that have taken place in England since the Alliance with France. It would seem as if the Eastern Question had had the one good effect of opening the eyes of French writers, for they have lately noticed things in England, which, either they could not, or would not, notice betore. Amongst other things, they have seen the Sun. They admit now that the Sun is oeeasionally visible in England. They are generous enough to acknowledge that cucumbers are raised by it—that corn is | ripened by it—that photograph portraits are taken with it—and that the Sun, which iss “never to set on the English dominions,” is, after all, a real dod fide genuine Sun, giving out heat and freckles, and not the mereeold shadow of a Sun, borrowed for the occasion from France, or the nearest tin-shop and gas-works. The Climate, also, isendurable. People can actually live in it now. There is not'afogevery dayof the year. You can see toread at noon day. ‘The atmosphere is likewise pronounced not to be’ so depressin as it was formerly: Young ladies do not make up pavties:to go an throw themselves-off Waterloo Bridge, twelve at a time. Countesses are not found im their beds dead of erxawi. The trees do have leaves, and they are green, and not black. The decrease of “ Spleen” is likewise most wonderfal. It has | numbered fewer victims this year than any previous twelvemonth. You no longer hear of noblemen tarning jockeys or police because their life is made miserable to them on account of the: lt has ceased to be quoted as a pretext for every absurdity thatevery English lunatic out of Bedlam was guilty of. It isno longer madecamswerable for the endless follies that our courts-martial and police-courts drag into print. | All our suicides and accidents»areemot put down any more to its | melancholy account. An En ean wear a white hat now | without its being said that it was*“*ZenSpéeen” that drove him to it. A similar improvement has taken place in our social habits: the day when Englishmen got drunk down stairs, whilst their wives were left by themselves in the drawing-room is apparently over. We have dropped the fashion, it seems, of tumbling insensible underneath the table, where we lay until our servants came in the morning, wheeled us home in wheelbarrows. A great reform has taken place in these things, and in less than six months! We do not doz in the House of Commons—our legislators do not rise in the House of Lords with a bottle of brandy im their hands. We do not eat raw bifteks. We have given up the awful propensity we were so greatly addicted to in all French novels ramas of taking our wives to Smith- field, and selling them at public auction, with a rope round their necks. We value them, we are glad to notice, at a somewhat higher figure than a mere pot of porter, price 44. e have grown more humane, | more rational; ina word, we are more civilized, since we went to fight the Cossack. Every Briton bas not, at present, a bull dog at his heels, nor has he a prize fighter for his tator, nor is he in the habit of selecting his better half out of the kitchen. We do not drink gin in tumblers for our breakfast, any more than we kill a crossing-sweeper or two just to give us an appetite for our supper. It appears that nous avons changé tout cela. Perfide Albion nas discontinued being Perfide. He has now grown | ne i thateambe said of | brave, loyal, généreuz! There is nothing too him. His ships can sail all over the world without beingsuspeeted of stealing continents, or of abetting some sable Emperor im hiseeannibal propensities at the expense of the French; and the British flagean be unfurled now in any French print without having a whole column of mud thrown after it. Perfide Albion is now the of French praise, of French admiration. French ladies fall down, and kiss the tips of his venerable top-boots—even his round fat belly is used as a big-drum of honour on which enthusiastic Frenchmen love to beat his:praises as loudly as they can. And these wonderful improvements have all taken plagecin the short space of a twelvemonth! We are not aware that weasecany better, or any worse, than we were two a. ago. The facttisy we have not | ) changed, but the feeling of the French towards us has c dd. They see us now with very different eyes—the eyesof Allies. ‘This change is all owing to the war, and. we ought to be thankful to Russia for it. The Russian cannons have done some for they have hit an object they never aimed at. Theyyhave purified the atmos- phere of the channel, having succeeded in blowing away a number of | stapid prejudices that only mystified people, and prevented the noble countries seeing each other as they y were. The air cleared of this prejudicial mist, France is virtually brought many miles nearer to England a Te Dewm for this, the only victory he has as. yet achieved. . Wethank Nicuotas for it, and hope this time he will sing Filling a bumper of the best Bordeaux, we drink to the health of | our recent improvements, and trust that they are not merely for a day, or for a victorious year, or for a long campaign of continual success but that they maybe as lasting as the Alliance itself between Engian and France, until the two countries, continually improving, shall see nothing but good in one another ! Henceforth, i/ »’y a plus de femmes rendues a Smithfield ! ly i\ " hy er \ i Nai \ 4 i ee “TWICE KILLED.” WE are not sentimentally humane. We know that certain sufferin must precede various acceptable sacrifices to the Mahogany Tree. e do not turn from our lobster, though the manner of his death was ead not that which he would, if consulted, have selected—we | Cc ispose of our oyster, while the knife which broke at once into his castle and into the treasure house of his life is still in the hands of his burglarious assassin. Our eel, our shrimp, our coursed hare, might, if disrespectfal, say hard things touching theu respective erits from those states of being—but, nevertheless we eat the spitcheock, and the sauce, and the “jug” has charms which we ect not. But the pleasures of the table are not to be purchased at t M. Soren in the following passage in his cheap Cookery Book. “ Every Cottager ought to kill his own pig once, or twice, im every year.” price of downright cruelty, | and as such we cannot but denounce the treatment recommended by | A Manocany Tavism.—Every Englishman inhis life-time drinks a | fearful quantity of bad Port wine. is

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 199 PATRIOTISM BY THE YARD, R. Brieut says we have no right to interfere with Russia, because “the Seat of War is 3000 miles away from us!” Mr. Puncu, in a conversation the other day with the worthy Member, delientely elicited that in | anticipation ef the probability of | his one day Stem entrusted with And theee-deep, we 've 45 clam,

“ YE SUBALTERNS IN ENGLAND.” | From Tuvv, of the Fusiliers in the Crimea, to Murry, of th* Grenadiers, at St. James's. Ye subalterns in England, 7 =~ oa life : ease, ow little do ye think upon Our sufferings o’er the seas. To sup, lunch, dine, and Juuch again, Upon fried pork we go,

the Seals > in a Man- cheater Ministry, he had prepared 2. ---_-- ee or his own private reference a Four oe te 5» “i uated seale” of = policy, guns ’ “as distance.” ving The ghosts of ing colone|s imal the delight our readers Would nt ating os ves ; (especially those at St. Petersbu For no two of us are ri the same, vous enpeaeae Sm i peu py ee e mos avou us heavy swell | with ae we subjoim :— MBnck us coal-heavers show ; Wuew Barrise Lsrenests RE THREATENED OR ATTACKED AT A DISTANCE OF Se 3000 Miles—Let them alone. There will be sure to be ao market for Manchester Goods | For water you ‘ve to shell out strong, under any circumstances. / 7 And then it’s salt, you know. 2000 Miles— Ditto, ditte. Where’s the good of interrupting commerce by quarreling? Out hese we need no boot-jacks, 1000 Miles— If mn imewery import mp a = be permitted. For in our boots we sleep, 500 Miles—A gentle remonstrance is owable, but if assured by the other parties that they woot — mean no harm, we are bound to believe them. ‘The days of Macumventa! perce s igar ane gets to smoke; are gone. 250 conti. this distance + Re — little more dignity, and inguire odes sno «mega , know what are about ¢ 5 —_ | 100 Miles—end wool we shall be dows upon them if they don’t mind. , ak cee ties anf cons 50 Miles—Get the Morwing Herald to talk about the “ British Lion,” in order to frighten | Although it may be low ' them . 50 Mila OS Sete age en 0 viet 2 38k dip woh olien onl elie ae But round the flag of England cannons and balls, and other horrible things we ‘ve got at home. We'll our last idge burn, | 10 Miles—We’Ill only give them this one more warning to keep off. we have made smart, Mile— We might now fire some blank guns; and even if they wow’? go away, I don’t And victors home return | hurt us if we let ’em have their own way. | The idea of a certain critic who “Jeoked only at the shop watch,” flitted across our mind | as we left the distinguished free trader; and we thought it not improbable that if we had suddenly asked him “Did you see the Bear trying to swallow the Turkey?” he would have answered, “ No, I looked only at the Yard Measure,

see it will matter much. They’re all Christian people no doubt, and won’t Then, when, as veteran warriors, At [éte and ball we show, With the fame of our name, The ladies’ hearts will glow, And while you swells are voted bores, The pace, oh, shan’t we go !

THE AIRY AND THE COALHOLE, Pogkex . ° ° . ° A Young Sage. Peeexx . = . ° °° A Young Sweil. Ferrex, Haax, Pomnex, lend your ear. e<¢ Porrea. Conceive the loan Negociated, Fenmex. Cut away. errer. Here is a paragraph in Wednesday’s Times, Whieh states—or I misread—that some Professor, His name—let’s Army, hath gone down Into a coal-pit, with some ums, Electric wires, and goodness knows what else, And hath abided there for several days, In the pursuit of knowledge. P It is true. Orren. He ’s Queen Vicrorta’s chief Astronomer. Ferrexz. What doth he at the Court, then, of Kive Coat ? Porrez. He wants to weigh the Earth Ferre. As an Astronomer the man should know A shorter course. In his own Zodiac Hang Libra, or the Seales. Let him take them, And go his weighs. It seems to me, 5 DP oy = R—. - speakest et mingling on t Be Tf thou dost seek for information, “~~ If not, shut w D. BY just, just t. PTV: Now tell me, Po ng ae ant connection —- the Airy and the Coalhole. orrerx. This. ‘He’d weigh, I ’ve-said, the Barth. Ferrez. One other joke,

And then I’ve done. Risking his precious neck In such a task, proclaims him what the printers Denominate a Weigh-Goose. Now, get on. ; Porrex. "Tis needful, therefore that he should diseover Whether this earth, at distance from its surface, Grows denser than above. Perceivest, dense one ? Ferrer. Marry come up, I apprehend thee well. But he might learn the nature of the soil Below the pit, without descending thither, Seeing that buckets full come up each minute. Porrex. Dreariest of donkeys, and of dunderheads The dullest, thy unscientific soul Appreciates not the great Astronomer. . Ferrez, Yes. \ know well that from a coalpit’s bottom The stars are seen at noonday. If he took His telescopes down with him, and attended To his own business, so. But weigh the Marth! = Pooh! Pshaw! Bah! Bosh! Stuff! Twaddle! Tilly-Vally ! Porrez, Thy interjections prove thy wealth of words, And poverty of wit. Ferrez. It rg! be so. I'd learn of thee. Well, he took down +his elocks, And pendulums, and tripods, and the colliers — Hearing each clock’s strike, thought upon their own, But how all this assisted him I know not. Porrez. Listen. Wf earth were denser towards its centre, The force of gravitation would compel More rapid action of the pendnium (When ‘tis approximated towards such centre) _ Than ’s seen upon earth’s surface. Therefore, Sir, If of two cloeks (jomed by electric tie To note the variation) that below Goes faster than its twin horloge above, We've gained at once the fact of density’s increase—let computation do the rest. Dost understand it now, thou Booby, speak ? Ferrer. Blest if I do. Let’s go and have some beer.

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oa = lend f FY “) ” A LITTLE DINNER AT THE CRIMEA CLUB. “JACK’S HOLIDAY.” To ax the skipper I propose, Tue fleet was anchored taut and trim, i Bein’ he’s fond of shootin’ : Beneath the Russian forts so grim, | When on the Aggy’s gun-deck dim, | There’s you and me and all our mess, Says Jack the topman unto Jim, | In our shore-going togs we ’!! dress— Says he, “ Let ’s go a-shootin’ ; | Blest if the skipper can do less Blest if 1 couldn’t pipe my eye, give us a day’s shootin’. To thi , Fo think like kishore hese we Be “ With cutlasses well ground and filed, While them there sojers high and dry, ; ; sho in’.” And our ship’s pistols cleaned and ’iled, Ashes, gute of Ga meets And lest our day’s sport should be spiled Says Jim to Jack—“ I’m blest,” says he, (Them Russian coveys bein’ wild, “If with that ’ere I don’ sree And very hard o’ shootin’), But then the skipper wex might be, Suppose we axed the skipper straight, If when all hands was piped, d’ye see, To let us take our sixty-eight— He found we’d gone a shootin’. The poor dear gun’s been kept of late Six Evmunp he is fond o” game, ; So werry short o’ shootin’. And thof to is the » . . Blow’d if tt wonkdn’t be a pone “We soe Goes ents bessshings struck ; T il the skipper’s shootin’.” | Bouse her w me on a truck ; a , ~ | . If we don’t bag a Rooshian duck, “ Avast!” says Jack, “ do you suppose | When once we gets ashore—worse luck ; I ain’t a man my knows ? Say I ain’t up to shootin’ ; For liberty afore we goes, | Blow your grasshopper nines and twelves ! What is a Sausage-Maker? Tue best answer to this popular question we heard given at New.| Lorp Patwenston asserts that all babies are ng his | like confirmation of the statement from some | market by a young jockey. “A Sassingerman” (he said, pr front hair as if it were a —, he wanted to pull over his eyes)— | to testify—one of his colleagues. as lives Y | “a Sassingerman is a gent y chopping horses. | A MODEL MISCREANT. Nicworas is advertised as one of the additions at Mapame Tvs-| quite superfluous, crea We hope Tussaup has had the good taste to put | — got the Thames, saup’s Exhibition. him in the Chamber of Horrors. enough to everybody. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Them sojers, they enjoys theirselves, And leaves us sailors on the shelves, Never to get no shootin’.” Next day, fhe holystoning done, Jack and his messmates every one, All from the captain of the gun, Down to the powder-monkey, run To ask for their day’s shooting. “No,” says Sir Epmunp, with a grin, “ For liberty the crew’s too thin : But here’s the ship: let’s take her in, And all have a day’s shooting.” So said, so done: the anchor’s weighed : All sail the saucy Aggy made ; *Longside Fort Dontndien she’s laid, And there her big broadsides she played, , as Cen rr Says Jack, as his gun’s breech, all hot, He slapped after a well-aimed shot, That sent ten Russians to pot, >|” “ My eyes, Jum, ain’t this shootin’ ! Ask Mrs. Gordon. | good. We should still better qualified | What does Cel Wand beenenans? | OPEN TO ALL THE WORLD. | Somz one is advertising his “ Patent Sewerage.” We think it is | ~— an embarras de richesses, for we have | | that, unfortunately, is a Sewerage Patent |

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A CAUTION FOR MR. GLADSTONE. omzsopy has been sending to the Cuay- CELIOR OF THE ExcHRQueR = of Mexiean Bonds, nominally worth £50) each, for a debt long due to the nation. We do not know the real value of Mexican Stock, but there is some Foreign Stock which is worth about as much as aMohair Stock, or any other rag that 4 be used for con- version into paper. We do not say that Mexican Stock is in this (state, and indeed, for what we know, every £500 bond may be at a premium, and worth more than the sum it bears on its face, but we only say that we have heard of some foreign securities: which have nothing of security about them, except the fix in which they place the party who has relied on their pre- sumed value. We dare say these Mexican Bonds: may be all right, but we should advise the Cua NceELLon or THE ExcreqQuer to be careful in accepting all sorts of gaits, for he may some day be having Railway Shares or Bank Shares sent as conscience money, by which, instead of obtaining an asset, he may be saddled with a liability. MRS. GRUNDY TO MR. BRIGHT. Jonx Bricut; you’tememore than a calico feller, You’re all madeofteatten, like my umbereller, You must have been, saxting! , spun with a jenny, 1’d own no sitch somif'ypu’d give me a guinea. A Hinglishman’s birthright, with sitch a poor sperrit, Is what chaps like you ism’ fit to inherit, If nobody else’s heart wasm’t no stronger, This wouldn’t be no land of freedomeno longer. To tell you the trath, "tis mpreandidiopinion, You wouldn’t oppose-any ie, | Supposing as how you beli ition Would cost yowa few shillins more nor submission. Old Hingland would haye not asoul to defend her, If all wasdike you are, from Pormor Pretenpen, You wouldn’t mind letting the Czar take possession, The same as it was with the Papal ‘Transgression. But Britons won’t never give in to invaders, To please you, nor none of your Manchester traders, Whatever Jonw Baieut is, Jone Bora ’s no sitch noddy ; So, therefore, now, let’sshave no mere of your shoddy. PARSONS’ PARLIAMENT. (SPECIALLY REPORTED.) Saturday, 1st December, 1855. Convocation met y for the first time since the exertions of its ters in obtaining its recognition by the Legislature as the proper on administering the affairs, conducting the ref and promoting f, peace, harmon ‘orms, y and efficiency of the Established Chamber was the locality. The excitement elections: of members has only partially subsided, and several reverend gentlemen appeared with rosettes of their eee oe ached hue, _. - ites ~s o. colours. of Lady (sli ag the original), the [rish Clergy generally sporting Orange — the Evangelicals patronised Black-and-Drab. | The fusion of the two chambers into one gave an additional feature to | the assembly, in the presence of the Bishops in their robes. | The ordinary formalities having been gone through, Convocation proceeded to the election of a pose. By | The Bisnor or Exeter, in a neat and sarcastic speech, proposed the Bisor or Oxroxa, to whose judicious and persevermg exertion of his great influence mine Je quarters, Convocation mainly owed its The existence as a ing body. (Puseyite cheering). The ‘ | iahop added a protest against. any body who differed from himself in phe les . - = | ps emt wy Se a agmae Majority for the Bishop. py persen. excommunica’ jorit t i . omit | The How. and Rey. Mz. Twippie seconded the motion, One — | | Witserrorce had. been instrumental im emancipating the The Bi was then formally declared, the Speaker of Convocation | wearers of black skins, and —sequilur patrem ibus equis— Militant, the meeting adjourned amid great. excitement. ‘said, they had better PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 203 had done as much for the wearers of black coats. He did not anticipate that they would have many differences of opinion (laughter) but should such arise, no man was so well qualited as the prelate in question to prove that every man meant exactly the same thing, what- ever bis words might seem to imply. The Rev. Banyey O’ Brawner opposed the motion, and notice that (D. V.) he should oppose every motion that from the same quarter, both before it was and afterwards, Giving an eloquent but somewhat severe sketelh of the . history of Bioopy Queen Mary, and come naunanise of peentice. boys of Derry, the reverend gentleman the Bisnors or and OxrorD as disguised Papinte, sae proposed the glorious, pious, and im memory of Kine Wise tam Top. ( the Kentish Fore.) The Kev. Boansrers M ‘How: seconded the motion, The Rev. Peter Bosses said they were talking nonsense. How could the memory of Kino Wiizsam. be made their Speaker?’ He wished the Irish clergymen have a little brains ase seep The Kev. Baxvey O' Bmawagm despised the insult.to I and itied the wretched Jcouiteltppenuisinngastens Soeatnuppeectand him. is malevolence was helpless, however; for Jesuit's bark was worse than Jesuit’s bite. that imminent Lnsh clergyman the Rev. x O The Rev. Boan motion, The VeNneRaBite ARCHDRAGOY, that whatever their private opini ht be, Convocation had better be represe by an individual of ties p say the least of it, likely to surrender any of interests, By no means approving of most of Dr. and utterly disbe- WILBERFORCE’S j lieving his orthedexy, he thought him a safe man as regarded more i tent m ~. and should support him. The Rev. Dr. Hienawomy assented to the premises, but; denied the-conelusion of the last speaker. Da. WILBERFORCE was an agitator ‘and a polemic, and what they wanted was aquiet, business-like, impracti- cable man,who showed no zeal, and did only what he was com to do, The Bisnor or Cancisue objected to anybody who, like Ma, O’Biare, had ever spoken tolerantly of dissenters, He himself had no“oleration for such pec rple, unless a wall were built between: the setingpiee of the churehman and of the dissenter. A broad grayel walk do. The Rev. Clarnam Fiaper that Dissent was to be lamented, | but Puseyism aud Popery were ten, times worse, He would much | sooner go and preach in a Little Bethel or a Zoar than in St.’ Barnabas or St. Knightsbri or whatever they called it. | The Busnoe or Exerer was, luckily for the reverend gentleman, not his ee or for that speech his gown should have been pulled over his , | The Rev. Suras Trower begged his brethren to understand that he set no value on a gown, which was but so many yards of serge. He coul preach as well wit The How, and Rev. Ma. Twrppxe, the Hos. and Rev. Ma. Twap- | pie, the How. and Rev. Aup Caasusee, and care me to order at this, and three young Puseyite clergymen fai away, After an animated and personal debate, the matter The Bisnor or Exeren ted, that if there were no more to be to election. He hoped that the mis- unhappy persons who had opposed his nomination would not think of dividing. (Sensation. The Rev. certainly divide, and believed he should divide and . The Bisuor. or Oxrornp begged to say a word—ouly one, He was perfectly certain that the reverend gentlemaa, who had been proposed in opposition to himself, was every way better qualified than hunself for the office, and he should vertal for him (dear, hear), if only ape vas he did ne epnalten Can fastp ol thet reverend Ceres mg an hman, wit a broad brogne, imperfeet education, of a no entirely untainted character, and m embarrassed pecuniary circum- stances, a8 any reasons why he should not represent Convocation. If, however, contrary to his owo wish, they should deeide on selecting him - self, he should try to do his. duty, and an essential part of that duty would be to afford special assistance to those who did not exactly think with him—most probably from having stadied the subjects of differenee more deeply and earnestly than he, alas, had been always able todo. (Loud applause.) : : The Rev. Timorny O’Biane, The turrams in which me Lunp or Oxrorp has been plazed to spake of me age so preposterious that— (Shouts of laughter, and confusion. ) Convocation then divided, and the numbers were :-— a gown as with one ; better, in fact, in hot weather. | ) Banwey O' Baaws.en would not be dictated to, and would

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& 204 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE MODEL COURT. Pustic attention having | been at length some degree tracted to the long- daily more and more with a better class of dwellings, we under- | stand that the direc- tors of the Crystal Palace intend fitting so + up aCourt to repre-| sent the now exist- ing state of archi- tecture, and interna! house economy, of our lower London | and provincial city districts. The directors con- ceive that by so| doing they will most | likely bring the mat- ter to Nag — en a number of people, | by whom it may have hitherto been con- | , sidered quite beneath it ; and will also stand a chance of introducing it to certain duly salaried officials, who in their capacity of overseers have completely overlooked it. The directors likewise feel that the working man himself will the better see the value of the arguments for change when he has them put before him in a better light; it| being obvious to any one that the sunshine of Sydenham affords a clearer mean of observation than the fog of the Metropolis. Accor, a quantity of castg bave been taken by certain duly ified | | employés of the Company, who have lately, at a great expense to health, been | exploring what are erally alluded to as the “back slums” of Spitalfields, | Lambeth, Soho, and Beth Green: and, as the result of their self-sacrificing | labours, a Court at Sydenham is being now constructed, which it is expected will | ecient a faithful copy of the courts that still exist in those so long-infected | districts. The construction is not yet sufficiently advanced for us to do more at present | than detail a few of its principal features: but we believe that even these will be | received with some interest. in the Pompeian Court, it is intended not so much | to show the model of a single dwelling, as to throw together the most striking parts of several: and in this case there will be a further advantage gained by this | arrangement, as the want of uniformity, it will ensure, will represent the more faithfully that structural higgledipiggiediness which so much prevails in the localities it is intended to depict. ‘ ; The first thing that will probably excite attention is the admirable ingennity which is displayed in completely excluding every possible arrangement, which in the slightest may conduce to domestic comfort: and to show this the more clearly, figures of the size of life will be introduced, and the inconvenience of four families occupying what is really only space enough for one -. 4 is hoped, be thus | distinctly demonstrated. In their introduction of these res the directors are but following the course they have pursued with respect to the uncivilized tribes of Central Africa; and it will be seen that in domestic cleanliness and comfort, the natives of that region are but little behind those of Central London. To represent the gutter which rally runs down the middle of our courts, | there will be a fountain placed in the centre of this, to play alternately with Thames water and liquid manure ; and it is as that but few eyes, or noses, will be found sufficiently acute to detect the difference. We also are informed that at the | especial request of certain civic authorities a smaller fountain will be added, which will be daily fresh supplied with an essence of the celebrated scents of Smithfield, | in which the wives and daughters of those gentlemen are, we understand, exclusively to be allowed the privilege of dipping their handkerchiefs. | In order to assimilate the atmosphere of the Court as closely as possible with | that of its originals, engagements have been made with some of our most eminent | bone-boilers and gut-dressers for a continual supply of those highly noxious gases, | which have so long kept in such bad odour the districts where their trade establish- | ments are situate. is arrangement, and that of the fountains afore-mentioned, | will, it is expected, form the chief (nasal) attractions of the court: and will’ obviate the need of any guides or finger-posts, as the visitor who may wish to} be directed to it, will simply find it necessary to follow his nose. EXAMPLE TO THE ENEMY. sole Is there not something mystical in the subjoined extract a | from the Overland Friend of China ?— “ Dears ov ay Ovo Exewry.—Tan-nvwo-ma, the sanguinary wretch since mooted, and | who murdered so many of our countrymen at Formosa in 1842, and | who, despite Sia Heway Portiscen’s request for his condign | ment, was elevated by the Exrzzon Hiexruwe to one of the Important question | posts he could confer, has met his death at the hands of China's of providing the poor | regenerators—the patriots.” As this gentleman was Howe, as well as Tan and Hw» we can quite understand that he was elevated to a high post by the Emperor or Cuisa: but we cannot imagine how he could have lived after that to be killed by the We hope that the sanguinary wretch who has caused so many more of our countrymen, besides others, including his own subjects, to be murdered, will ponder the fate of | Tan Great criminals are sometimes brought to |justice in this world, and Nicnotas Romanorr himself may come to be elevated to one of the highest posts that an exasperated people can confer: whic | TAH-HUNG-HA, ONE OF THE GALLANT 93an, AS HE APPEARS AT ASTLEY’S. Instructions for Counsel. wish our friend Brrert or some other nt member of the English In order to ensure the most perfect mismanagement, we learn that the general|to the pu superintendence of the Court will be entrusted to certain duly constituted parish|to the foolery of the Lord Mayor’s Procession. We authorities, who have had great experience in local government, and are now/| should like fully competent to administer its defects. When we add that al] the sanitary gentleman to move for a quo warranto calling on the Man in Armour, to show arrangements have been placed under the control of a ly organised Board | what authority he represents himself as an Esquire, and of Health, our readers will feel satisfied that no pains will be to keep it in|if he is an Esquire, to show cause why he the most unhealthy state possible. shifter at a minor theatre on ordinary occasions.

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_ PUNCH, ‘OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 205 THE HIGHER CLASSES’ ENCOURAGEMENT SOCIETY. Society A Age formed on | @ principle corres 4 with that of the pene Encouragement Association, at the late meeting of which, | at Romsey, Lorp Par MERSTON presided, and dis-| tributed prizes for good conduct to meritorious! clowns. It consists chiefly of members of the commer- | cial and working classes, | and its object is the ~~ ragement of indust economy amongst Ligh orders. Its first annual meeting took place roster: | day, and the neble member for Tiverton, himself, was one of the’ foremost of the _ — persons to whom rewards were adjudged. To Viscount es for length of —_a2/ the Foreign Office, and diligence in as of five hikes A Secretary, was awarded a prize | to Lorn Joux Russex, | for steadiness ey ap important ministerial situations — of trust, including the offiee of Premier. yee als odminiatention energy and ability displayed in the capacity of First Lord my -. Sir James GramaM was presented with Vt buting these prizes, the respectable President of mt, ‘Mr. Braownxsonzs, sums would, considered in a lifetime of ; honour and esteem of which following os Lepr mong to deserving individuals of pro The Rant or Elon or Howey for having supported his title and a family of nine children ten thousand year without ever having applied for — favour to a we new coronet. he Marouis or Actoy, for on bees lived pat years at “Wormholt | Pak and during that time devoted himself to the improvement of his estate, and never once raised the rents of hie cedeeemes glass and a yard and a half of blue ribbon. for having supported his widewed | WICH, for some years, during which were in a state of embarrassment—a mother, the Dowacer pow the affairs of his elder brother pair of dress boots. ) Cartan SwELTon, of the 110th Light Dragoons, for having always lived on his pa private property without getting into debt—a silk pocket han rohief, The Captain produced satisfactory receipts from L tailor, whose account, from the time of his joiming the he had puanctually settled every Christmas. TR “Ttepwano ‘TaPemMan, prudence and savings during twenty years’ diplomatic service—a silver spoon. The 7 Busuor or Purwey, who has got out a family of five boys respectabl ~ instead of providing for them at the expense of the Church, for which they had no inclination: whilst his Lordship has also devoted the bulk of his episcopal income to the wants of his diocese—a Bible and Prayer Book. The Lapy Apgsiza Matitpa Givemam, for ten years’ service as Maid-of-Honour—a and a plume of feathers. Sita James Jenxryson, for eight years’ service as Groom in Waiting — = and — buckle. as Lorp Bacwie, for propriety of demeanour in the capacity of Gold Stick—a pair of scarlet plush breeches. Ma. Eases St then addressed the prizeholders. He said there were two principal rocks on which the aristocrat was apt to split. He Senty sak tieek ia * Goning, Table. The Tuc swallowed is prospects. noble or an honow with a balance at his banker’s, and rah peeenninedies abhisenmdibtenss deo tan multitude of dependants in i> aunt seman enatiad Oe gambling, and more : for the gamester’s extravagance served useful purpose whatever. But though the Turf encouraged of the betting-ring; those who once entered it went on from one thing to another t ees a eeuaintne toe mat an E z s : ile they were associating with a , and members of the swell mob. But he was ware that what he had just said would not affect his preseat ~~ : | to assist in the ourgery, no the breed of horses, he would advise the nobility and gentry to beware medical rewards of prudent, and virtuous conduct. He would, in conclusion propose, as a toast, “ Success and prosperity to the honest aristocratical bourer.”’ The toast was received with three gentle cheers, after which the prizeholders sat down to a light ast, and were with elegant modern French fare, consisting of hors d’awnres entremets, accom- panied by a plentiful ‘allowance of sound wholesome Lafitte and Billery. THE JOLLY RUSSIAN PRISONERS, How jolly the prisoner, who gets, for his pay, From his r’s own purse, seven shillings a day And that’s how we pension our officer- For ee ny we shall certainly pay pte With nothing to do, lots to eat and to On parole, it is hard lines f for them, Pann think, A sort of a life, which, to phrase it aright, Is living like fighting-eoeks barring the fight. Of course craft his mild eyes '— Must smile wit delight stares with surprise When he thinks to me Caan’s wide awake— Of the loss that we gain by Prisoner we take. wai: let the sweet Nr and grin, The laugh will be theirs who win ; We don’t throw our money In giving these man eovem, a day. They bee —o a ee Gnd that ol as te inquieene of wer Is simply to cease being slaves of the Czar. Each man will to Russia instructed ret Having learnt what the Czar would have —~ Foe learn, And amongst the poor creatares around him diffuse Constitutional notions and liberal views. Their heads, with ideas of Linerty cand, Will all be live shells, midst the Muscovites poured, Where Nick would have any sheli rather rather explode Than those that are charged with that speeies of load. So, these things considered, the clodhopping swain e4= not think he has cause to complain Rassians reeeive—within compass to speak — As mueh in one day as he earns in one week. The nation that prisoners so handsomely pays The wages of postmen will probably oe And doubtless provide on a grand scale for all The children and wives of our soldiers who fall. WANTED—RODERICK RANDOMS, Some people say that the deficiency of medical attendance on the sick and wounded in the East has been exaggerated. We should be | much surprised, however, if the followmg statement of the Zimes Black — Sea Correspon were not to prove im every respect well founded ;— “I cannet conelude my letter without alluding to another just cause of complaint, the effects of which are most terribly felt at the present moment. I mean the want of Assistant-Surgeons. You remember, of course, the representations that they ought to be treated as officers, and mess in the ward-reom, for circumstances ny Sask ae ieastaen who were formerly chosen trom apothe caries’ boys, are now men who have pessed in medical y tl. edneation of gentlemen. The Admiralty was shocked at their nence on ions inthe endian oy poy , So, here is the fleet in mess, because the Assistant-Surgeons are exciuded from one ! i the Admiralty as to persevere in excluding these officers ian 6 the To it had better revert to the old system of selecting them on ees 4, They will not be likely to get ~~ cand for the h of naval Assistant-! than sue’ tlemen as that sort of one who was advertised for the other with some aol hy of dispensing, and carry out the physi. No glory, no respect, a no comfort, small pay, and a service of danger !—it must take a very hard situation to even a surgery-boy to doff bis buttons for those of the naval uniform to be worm on these terms. Per to gangs of “four-and-twenty brisk yo clad in jackets blue array,” waylaying ap rie pnciiienen on their rounds, and them out of their gigs and aud away from their brass and red lamps, thus compe them to transfer their Pro exertions from the scene of a genteel neighbourhood to i. te the Admiralty |

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oR Ee Ee a a eS a=: | Printed by Williem Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Perish of St. Pancras, and Prederick Mullet Evens, of No. 27, Victoria Street, in the Parish of St. Margaret and St. John, Westminrter, both im the Coupry of Middiesex, Printers, at their Uffice im Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, | 2116 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL — = 4 —= _—— p : — “Wet! Becca!!* Dip you ever’see%svucn a Bare-racep THING as THAT? FOR TO GO AND WEAR sUCH Bonnets as THEM!! ly 17 wassMe anp YoU AS DONE SUCH A THING, THE WHOLE ALLEY’D BE IN A Uproar.” A BRIGHT IDEA CARRIED OUT. “Mr. Puncn, “ Peace at any price is my motto; and I am sure that any price that we could have had to for peace would have been less than the expense to which we sh be put by war. Of course, there- fore, | say ditto to Mr. Bricut; and the opinion I entertain of Mr. Bricut’s consistency induces me to hope that he also will say ditto to me. “In the first place, I think, with Mr. Brient, that the war was unnecessary. I believe, as he does, that the fear of Russian aggression was a chimera. ‘This statement, being a parently absurd, requires explanation. I mean to say that if we had let the Czan‘alone, it would have taken him a long time to consummate his scheme for the annexa- tion of Turkey. It would have taken him another long period to avail himself of the Turkish seaboard, to create a marine strong enough to in a position to invade these dominions during the rei Her Masesty. There would not have been a very high probability that a/ Russian invasion would occur in that of Her Masesty’s successor, who (after many years) I trust will be His Rovat Hicuwess Tue Prince or Waxes. Loyalty and Patriotism need look no further forward. Two generations, and perhaps three, would have had to pass away before a would become a province of Russia. Our free institutions would not have been doomed to be destroyed by Russian barbarism ; our Press would not have been destined to be shackled, nor our poets and our women to be flo and our reformers to be sent to Siberia. It would have been the reformers, the women, the poets, the Press, the liberal institutions of our grand-children or great grand-children only, that would have been condemned to be destroyed shackled, flogged, and exiled. ‘The knout would have been appointed to fall upon Posterity ; not on our own backs. Besides there was no occasion to fear an invasion by Nicnoxas, even if there had been’ the City of Londoe.—Satusoar, November is, 1864. reason to expect one. Suppose he had invaded us. He would not have harmed us much if we had received him peaceably. He would only have made some addition to the taxes, amounting to less than it will cost us to fight him. Nay, if he had subjected us to some cruelties, the mass of suffering which he would have inflicted would not have been so vast, and so severe, altogether, as that which must attend these hostilities. No doubt it is very bad to be knouted; but I had rather receive many stripes behind, than one ‘shot in front of me. “ Secondly, { hold, as of course Mr. Bricut does, that all war is wrong. I maintain that Christianity forbids us to defend ourselves, and not only that, but also commands us, when attacked, to invite a repetition of the outrage. Thus are we required to act by one of its recepts, literally understood. I understand it according to the letter. f, therefore, as i was walking along Fleet Street, you were to rush ont of your office, double your fist, and strike me a blow with it on the | ri ide of my face, di think I should k ? destroy our naval supremacy. He therefore would have diy been | 8 t side of mg on, So yon tans thee’ bees Fara? Dea 0 means. Or call forthe Police and give you into custody? Certainly not. { should only turn the left side of my face towards you, in order that you might inflict another stroke on that. The same rule of conduct would be observed by me in case of receiving a punch in the head, or haviag any other species of assault and battery committed on any other part of me. Carrying out the same principle of interpretation, 1 not only never defend an action at law, however unjust, which may be brought against me, but always pay double the amount claimed ; and lend my money for the mere asking. [f anybody attempt to rob give away | | me, [ offer no opposition to him; as, doubtless, Mr. Briout offers | none, wishing as he does, like myself, that none had been offered to the | act of plunder attempted by the Emperor or Russia. 4 “ I am, Sir, * A man of Peace who goes tne whole Guinea Pig, and your “ Consistent READER.” m the City of London, and Published by them at No. 8, Pieet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, in

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enviable distinction of having stood up against municipal Reform + than any other corporation in the Ki | enjoyment of paying, for the maintenance and glorification of that same ' that enable one to keep an appointment with the greatest punctuality, | for as two of those clocks never by any accident agree, so it stands to WHAT A LONDONER HAS REASON TO BE PROUD OF! HERE are certain peculiar advantages and mar a that exist and flourish im London, such as cannot be found, perhaps, in any other metropolis in the world. It would be idle, impossible to dilate upon them, Suf- ficient, therefore, for the purpose to give a short list of their various charms and characteristics : In London, you get pure milk—purer even t you can get it from the cow; and as for the water, the best fact = ry of its purity is, that the greater art of it is drawn from the ames. In London, you have the Pa A és F ail \ ‘ Py) 94 { Wii pride of possessing a mag- | WOH ' nificent river that may be | beautifully adapted for all py unl matters of commerce, but | AN | is, perhaps, not quite so we beautiful when viewed in the other points of beauty, adornment, health, and re- creation. Still it must be conceded that this same | noble river acts as a most | convenient cesspool to the | numerous factories that | overhang its charming bank, | besides officiating as a most admirable sewer to the metropolis in general—in | which latter capacity it is well entitled to claim the great honour of being the largest Sewer in the world! In London, you bave a wonderful City Corporation, that has the| ngdom. London, and twenty miles even round London, you have the Corporation, a tax on every ton of coals you burn. In London, you have a number of Church clocks, and other clocks reason, no matter what your system of calculating time may be, that | you must be right at least by one of them. | In London, you have a Lord Mayor’s Show, that for several hours every Ninth 5 November, clears the City of the tremendous business that, on all other days of the year, completely blocks up the thorough- fare of its crowded streets. In London, you have the further gratification of finding the narrowest | streets where there is the most commerce, and the widest thorough- travel over the fares where there is the least traffic. In London, you will see, to your great amusement, more ugly monu- ments in one da than you will have the pleasure of laughing at, if you Continent for one year. In London, you will, also, see the few beautiful buildings, which it has, placed in the worst positions, so that it becomes an ingenious difficulty to see them without disloeating your neck—and this is doubt- less a source of considerable relief to all visitors and foreigners, who, naturally judging from the many bad buildings that are placed in the most conspicuous situations of the metropolis, would rather be spared the pain and annoyance of seeing any public buildings at all. In Londen, you have not less than three bridges at which you are stopt to pay toll—which are nearly three bridges more than any other capital in Europe possesses with similar advantaces—and you also have | three other bridges, that are either so crowded, or else so dangerous, that it becomes a question of courage, or the greatest urgency, to induce you to pass over them. In London, you have the further happiness as you walk out, or stop at home, of listening to music of some kind, either vocal or instru- mental, and this continues all day long, without the cessation of a single minute; and at Christmas time, this music is, moreover, con- tinued during the night. VOL. XXVII. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 207 In London, you will see in a stroll any day more beggars than police- men—so that the wonder is their duties are not reversed, and the beggars paid to look after the policemen, and to tell them occasionally “to look alive there, or else they ’ll soon make them.” In London, you will see the street sweeping, and mud-collecting, and all the scavengering carried on in the day time, whereas in most Con- tinental towns such dirty work is y done during the night, and completely finished before the people are out in the streets in the "fa Lond frequent opportunities of studying th ndon, you have more unities of studying the anatomy of the pavements, with their various veins and arteries of gas and water pipes, than in any other town, for if a second Qurytus Curtivs were to take a walk from Piceadilly to the Bank, he would find at any time plenty of chasms on his way, into which he could conveniently leap, supposing he particularly wished at that moment to save his country. In London, you see, rising every week, stacks of monster buildings defying every order of architectu swarms of new streets built without any regular plan, so that, to the merey of ev builder, and in that helpless condition that every plasterer who puts himself up as an architect can raise his hand against it, London bids fair soon to be called—if it has not already acquired the proud distinction—“ the ugliest metropolis in the world.” The above is but a scanty list of the peculiar graces and glories of | our “ great metropolis,” but, incomplete as it is, is it not enough to make every resident proud of being a Londoner ? =r = —_—= = TO THE MEMORY OF CHARLES KEMBLE. Barrer as ’tis brilliant, the Actor’s fame With the spectator’s memory lives’an | dies ; Out of the witness of men’s ears and eyes, The Actor is a name, A name, that seldom lasting place can hold ! Within his country’s records or regards. He stands not with the painters, sculptors, bards, Whose works are never = Yet some so much have stirred the common heart, That, when they long have past from sight, we find Memories, which seem undying, left behin Of their so potent art. Such Roscrvs was, the cherished of old Rome ; Such Garaick was, in our forefathers’ day ; Such, more than Garrick or than Roscivs, they Who graced the Kemaves’ home. Who is there of us, old or young, but knows, Familiar as one of his own race, The stately Sippons, with her sibyl-face And statue-like repose ? Nor less the Elder Keane, he who stept The true Coriolanus—full of scorn : So Senators their togas might have’worn, Such countenance have kept. Less grave of mien, of manners less severe, And powers more slow to ripen, came the third ; Gay, gallant, debonair—in act and word, The perfect Cavalier. He too is gone, whom all his fourseore years Had left with something of the youthful fire That blazed in Falconbridge, a Benedick’s quips and jeers, Where is Mercutio? Where Don Feliz now ? Where Hotspur? Cassio? The M King : Where that clear langh that made old Drury ring ; That light step and bold brow ? He linked us with a past of scenic art, Larger and loftier than now is known; Less mannered, it may be, our stage has grown, Than when he played his part. But where shall we now find, upon our scene, The Gentleman in aetion, look, and word, Who wears his wit, as he would wear his sword, As polished and as keen ? Come all who loved him : ’tis his passing bell : Look your last look: cover the brave old face : Kindly and gently bear him to his Cranes Kemace, fare thee well ! did inspire 7 A A a9 MI 9 MES

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ay , , t a a y or oe eam 208 LYNCH LAW; OR, MAKING A DOVE OF PEACE. turned. GENERAL VIEW OF GREECE. Know'st thou the Land where the Cypress and Myrtiz.) K sow’st thou the land where a sly press’s dirt ’ll Be flung upon all who won’t pay for its slime. Where the merchant ’s a Doo, _ And the lawyer ’s their trusty accomplice in crime ? Know’st thou the land, once beloved of the Nine, More lately the scene of Pacifico’s shine, Where a soft head like Orno’s the Crown could assume, A King, with the mien of an underbred groom— Where the traders in feats of rascality vie, Where they cheat if you sell, and they cheat if you buy, And to list to a native’s to list to a lie. Where if trees (as we say) may be known by their fruit, One's certain that Honesty never struck root. Where their dastardly banner bears Christendom’s sigr, {n type that each fight is a Cross, we opine ? “Tis the fair land of Greece, whose demoralized son Exults in the hope that the Russians have won. Oh! wild are his accents, when telegraphs tell That our soldiers are doing their duty right well. . FROM THE DEAD LETTER OFFICE. the soldier ’s a TuuRTELt, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | are absolutely essential to the success | science—a representation to that effect has been | Commission, and the establishment of a new Professorship is the result. The Licensed Victuallers having given, or being about to give, the | SCOTTISH GLORY. Alma by actually fighting with and routing 'a large number of Russians. This, how- ever, was not exactly the case, if we may | believe the following paragraph from the Inverness Advertiser :—= “ Hiamtawpers at Atma—A friend in the Crimea | prisoner ——— his opinion of the English replied that the Russians saw the half-naked fellows without trowsers marching at them, they knew the day was lost, for the savages came on with a yell that no human power could withstand,’ ” We do not, however, believe the above statement. It is our firm conviction that the brave Hig really the Russians at the point of the bayonet, and did not, as _p frighten them away merely by their uncouth exteriors and horrid screams. personal | appearance of the Highlander is ificent, ; and his voice is musical ; by these advantages | he conquers in love only, and not in war. No | Russian is to be terrified by_ savages that has ever looked in a glass, and Cossacks are not to ~~; down by clamour. At the Battle of Alma soldiers of Mewnscaikorr saw nothing half so ugly as themselves. It would be no credit to the to have | seared Russians in the field, as if Russians had been crows: and we wonder what can induce the Juverness Advertiser to advertise his gallant countrymen as a race of Guys. Ow Drr ov tae Crry.—lIf we received a check at Balaklava, it has been duly re- NEW PROFESSORSHIP. Tue Cambridge Philosophical Society having found that newspapers absolutely essential to ful following « of the pursuits of to the University | Editor of the Morning Advertiser the sack, that renowned traveller and | Protestant champion has accepted the appointment of Regius Professor | of Penny-a-lineism. | questions which will be asked at the first We have been kindly favoured with a list of the | Examination—we subjoin a 1. Find the circumference of the most “ enormous gooseberry,” and lew :— explain the ramifications of its roots. 2. Extract the roots mentioned in the foregoing question, and show that they are “inversely” as the Times, and directly as the “ square ” of Printing House. 3. Show how point is given to an article at three halfpence a line ne give the method of diffusing small matters over a large surface. 4. To what crystalline system may the Palace at Sydenham be re- foes. Show eho selalion ¢. the yon! rally, and ie —_ or doma in 1c to the longer axes; an the a ot tn of plain and pretty faces on shilling and | Most people imagine that the Highlanders | distingnhed themselves on the Heights of | writes :—‘ One of the Russian Generals whom we took | troops, | y were all splendid; but that whenever | “Dear Poncu,—lI have learned the English language since | have been in Elysium, and I think that the English 's have not used me well, spinning out my 4 74», 4 ¢m ray, into 14 or 15 lines: what I really said was “ Come back with your tay, Or 1’ll think that you ran, Come back upon tay, And I’1l call you a man. “13¢h Nov. 1854,” “Tue Srantan Morner.” Anp 1t’s att Tow (DEROLLOL) ERATION, &c.—Toleration means allowing you to think as I do, but dircetly you want me to think as you do, then it ’s gross IyToLeRaTION. five shilling days respectively. . Who is the author“of the following passage ? Construe it— Ay adapuury pepe Bpoxe ovr Aact wire w Oy very Bovp'00d of Zawr BapvaBas oviBour, avd ip ir’ad novrivved pop a xovawWepaBrte Aryl of Tye QovAd BouBrAcas ‘a Bay arrerded ov) xovewWepaBre Accs of Aupe avd xpowepr:, Bur, x. T. A, 6. Show that 1 penny = 3 halfpence, and quote authorities in support of the opinion that P. Livy the Younger was the first reporter. or THE DANGER OF DOGMATISM,. A Brsnor may be thankful that his charge is not a charge of cavalry, but he should = remember that he stands some chance of | being cut up. FEOPO . | oaror

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_— << oN A TRUMP CARD(IGAN). CLERKS AND CLODHOPPERS. Wate the Agricultural interest has been looking up, the Com- mercial interest seems to be looking down, or at all events, it often takes a very low view of clerks’ salaries. Every day supplies us with some fresh instance of the dreadful discount to which commercial industry, ability, and wteantiy have fallen. The Times of the 11th of this month contained the following advertisement : {‘LERK WANTED.—Wanted an in-door Clerk, to take cash and keep a set of books. Salary £30 per annum. Address, stating age, &c. to the Early Closing Association, Ludgate Hill. Though we are advocates for “ early closing,” we should be sorry to see @ young man, prematurely shut up as an in-door clerk at thirty annum. Ifheis “to take cash,” it is rather a prudent step to stipulate for his staying in-doors, as it would be putting his | integrity to a rather severe test, if he were allowed to be at large on | his miserable pay, with any of his employers’ money in his poeket. His proposed salary is lls. 64d. per veil, which is about 5}¢. below the wages of 2 urer. At this rate it seems more con- ducive to th and wealth to use a spade in the open air than to dig away with a steel pen in a close atmosphere. We cannot be surprised that while clerks are remunerated at less than bricklayers’ wages, the criminal courts should now and then be called upon to correct clerical | errors. AN EXTRA-PAROCHIAL OFFICER. We must admit that Mason Powrs, Hon. Sec. to the Widows and | Association, has shown himself, by his conduct, in the case of | Ayn Gopwrs, to understand y the duties of a Relieving | Officer. As that conduct has been approved of by the Woolwich Com- | mittee, we now su , what otherwise we should not have imagined, | that a Relieving r in the Army is expected to dispense charity in | the same spirit as that in which assistance is dispensed by the Relieving | Officer of the Workhouse. If this is the way in which relief is to| be administered to Soldiers’ Widows Orphans, those Orphans and Widews will rejoice in the guardianship ‘of regular Board of Guardians.

NDON CHARIVARI. 1 We J cA —_- —— 4 Ji f ) ar Wilt ¢ | " Neg ie hy Z f/ wy Ah 7 iaald ~S \ SS ae + i XS 1 = AVARICE OF THE CHURCHYARD. We have often heard of the gaping and the greedy ve; and always supposed that it gaped for, and was greedy of, only dead bodies, and the valuables interred with them by social folly. It gapes, ac cording to the letter of “A Town Curate” in the Times, for some- | thing pom That clergyman, after relating a case of sad distress, proceeds—

“ The sick person died, and in a few days the landlady of the lodgings applied to me for money to pay the fumeral expenses. The parish, she said, had dowe all it could do—had given a coffin, a shroud, and means for the payment of half the neces- sary fees, the poor neighbours bad contributed their pence and halfpence, but still there remained upwards of 5s. or 6s. to be provided before the burial could take place ; . the girl was utterly unable to find the requisite money, the body could no longer remain where it was; it must, as she expressed it, ‘be put under ground,’ and before the ground could be opened, these fees must be paid.” | So that the grave gapes not only for the poor remains of mortality, but also for a sum upwards of twelve shillings: considerably upwards, perhaps, in some cases. For this money, however, the grave of course does not gape on its own account. It vicariously for some mon- ster—does that mean that it gapes for the Vicar, or is the Rector that mouster whose mouth ought to be shut immediately ? RUSSIAN DUCKS AND GEESE. Tae wicked Czar’s subjects don’t swim on a pond, But they ’re ducks of the sort that belonged to Mus, Bonn ; What seas of their blood he has caused to be spilled, : Crying—“ Bless you, bless you, bless you, bless you, go and be killed!” To say they are geese ’twould perhaps be more right, For such an unmerciful brute Jom they fight, In whole flocks for slaughter by whom they are drilled, With his “ Bless you, bless you, bless you, bless you, go and be killed!”

A Hrxt.—What if there should appear in the next European Family Recipe Book (revised in London and Paris) a direction How to take Greece out of Maps ?

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Now tell me—am I authorised to say ; FY HOW TO TAKE CRONSTADT. That with a single schooner and a crew Of twenty men—you could effect the object ? { It is a remarkable 7omkins. Mind you! There’s one condition ! fact, that while the Smith. And what ’s that ? ’ professional soldiers Tomkins. | must do everything—in my own way. and sailors, the ex- _ Jones. Of course! Why what would Waasswesen have done ; perie If he ’d not had his way ? } | and admirals, findso _ 7omékins. That ’s what I tell them. much difficulty im Give me (Yes/ ring the bell!) a schooner (right /) terminating success- With twenty men (whistles.) Good morning, Coin. fully the War with rain moves on. . # it is impos- Smith, You see, what might be done, if Government a sible to go anyw Went to the proper men. Spat ea a > ing some who if Now, here’s a man—lost as a Station Master, 4 ea could have ba he had the opportunity, is own way, would Would— 1; make us - Dron of [A fearful shrick Jrom the railway whistle, followed by the whirling ; Sebastopol, Cron- o the train tnto a tunnel, brings the Scenx to a close. ot ft ne ome! a of stronghi e eS . | — ati PROTESTANTS AT A PREMIUM. a following scene took Tz announcement of a new Holy Office, to be called Taz PRO- a place in our — TESTANT Lire Assunance Company, appears in the columns of at | werk ence, not ve some of our contemporaries. We have not seen the Prospectus, but | = eo: and we have thrown it into blank verse as being best suited to we understand that the following is one {of the papers which every the heroic nuture of the subject : |person will be required to fill up, who proposes to effect an Assurance iz with a Company bearing a very similar name, a | SCENE.—A RAILWAY CARRIAGE. 1. What is your name ? ) 7? en 2. In what kind of edifice were you christened? Are you quite a | lsure that it was not, and never been a Roman Catholic place of DRAMATIS PERSONS. : R Burn worship ? a Jowns } ‘ » Sian Sete 3. ave you ever been afflicted with Puseyism ? : oe Tommie + Station Master. 4. Do you ly subscribe to buy a Guy, and assist, during . certain hours at least, on the 5th of November, in carrying him about ? . The Train has just stopped & 7 you take ve with a Roman Catholic gentleman, or dance ef ; 2 . . ‘ — with a Roman Catholic : ) q | Smith, ’Tis a sad business, Sir, this Russian War. 6. Did you ever call the Missal by any other name than the Mass g | Jones, "Tis very sad! hast seen the morning ? Book, or speak of the Roman Catholic Clergy except as Popish priests ? a | Smith. 1 have, tis very full of “latest news,” 7. Were you ever troubled with the slightest doubt as to the ultimate | So late as to have left the scene of action |destiny of every lay and clerical professor of the Roman Catholic Hy A week at least ere the events occurred, faith ? 1% Which form the subject of the “ latest news.” 8. Do you consider it possible for a Roman Catholic to do a good ' Jones. The Electric Telegraph is truly called action ? “ A great invention ”—for it doth invent iy | Some novel fiction nearly every da: | Smith. That’s true, indeed ; f | Shall we succeed, or will this Russia beat us? ‘ | _ Jones, Upon my word, the question puzzles me. eT | But do you know the Station Master here ? | One Tomkrxs—once a Master in the Navy. He ’II tell us all about it. Smith, So he will! We couldn’t light upon a better man. ; Hi! Toms. Jones (also calling). Tomxrxs! Mar, Tomxrys. Hi! y. but tell me, Sir, what think you? (Calling out of the carriage. 9. Could you be induced, whatever might be your complaint, to take a dose of Jesuit’s Bark ? 10. Would you drink 8. Juttren, 8. Extron, 8, Peray, 8S. Esterue, or any other wine named after a Popish Saint ? | 11. Would you do at Rome as they do at Rome? 12. Has your Grandmother, Great Aunt, Little Aunt, Wife, Sister, Niece, Female Cousin, Daughter, or Grandaughter ever worn as orna- ment a Cross of any kind ? 13. Have you been Vaccinated, and if so, was the lymph taken from . Protestant baby, and the operation performed by a Protestant octor ? 14. Do you feel a due aversion for the Douay version ? ' Smith, He sees us, for he’s coming up this way. : 15. Give a reference to an intimate friend who can satisfy the Office ‘ ; _ (Tomkins appears at the window of the carriage. that you are in no danger of believing that any co ment about Tomkins, What is it, Gentlemen Z duty to your neighbour was ever intended to refer to a member of the { Smith. an lle We have been talking Roman Catholic religion. — About the Russian War! Now, you can tell us, : = Now give us your opinion, _ ure Sees ke _ Jones. Yes! now, Tomxuys, A Winning Throw. : You've been a sailor ! , . Tomkins. Yes! I’ve been afloat, Tue 7imes correspondent says that our Riflemen lately met some And know a hawser from a marlingspike ; At least, I ought to (laughing). Jones (aside to Smith), He’s the very man. I’d take his judgment sooner than I’d take The word of half the Admiralty Lords, Now, Tomk.INs, give us your opinion, do (aloud.) Tomkins. Well, as for that you see, the thing ’s as plain | As that there railway signal. Jones. Ah! you mean, We might have taken Cronstadt. Might have taken ! Tomkins. Why bless you! let me have a single schooner, And put aboard a crew of twenty men, And I'd soon show the Admiralty folks How to take Cronstadt ! Smith. Would you though, indeed ! Tomkins. Oh! that I would! in less than half an hour. Jones. This is important—let me understand you. a ee Russian soldiers in a quarry, and both being without ammunition they commenced pitching large blocks of granite at each other. It is evident from this that should’ powder and shot fail, the war will not be at an end while our men can get within a stone’s throw of the enemy. Hos- tility has evidently been brought to such a pitch, that the parties will go on pitching into each other as long as there is anything with which the Allies can have a shy at the Russians. ECONOMY OF WAR. Pourticat Economy says that supply should be proportioned to demand. If the same principle is observed in Military Economy with respect to reinforcements for the Crimea, it will be found the best economy in the end. Breacues Menpine at Sepastorot.—We are told y the Electric Telegraph that “the Bombardment continued, but the Breaches were always repaired.” Certainly, those Russians are good tailors.

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_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 215 THE BATTLE OF ALMA MATER. Taz Temperance Commissioners In awful conclave sat, Their noses into this to poke, To poke them into that. In awful conclave sat they, And swore a solemn oath That snuff should make no Briton sneeze, That smokers all to smoke should cease ; They swore to conquer both. Forth went a great Teetotaller, With pamphlet armed and pen. He travelled East, he travelled West, Tobacco to condemn. At length to Cantabrigia, To move her sons to shame ; Foredoomed to chaff and insult, That gallant Hero came. Tis Friday : to the Guildhall Come pouring in apace The Gownsmen and the Townsmen, Right through the market place. They meet, these bitter foemen, Not enemies but friends ; Then fearless to the rostrum The Lecturer_ascends. He cursed the martyr’d Ra.eics, He cursed the mild cigar, He traced to pipe and cabbage leaf Consumption and catarrh ; He railed at simple bird’s-eye, By Freshmen only tried, In vain he tender Of “ Missusses Somesopy has lately written, and somebody else has even published, but we should think that nobody can have read, a Poem on Chess. Perhaps, however, the theme may not be a very bad one, as the ground work is chequered, and the characters are various. Church and state are represented in the King and Bishops, chivalry is present in the knights and castles, while the pawn is suggestive of the difficulties of every-day life. It must however require a high degree of poetical art to invest a set of chess men with the interest that belongs to the actions of men of a different material. The only mode of treatment | that occurs to us is to describe the adventures of a king having lost his queen, and being ultimately ruined by another mate. And with rude and bitter jest assailed The yard of clay beside. When suddenly full twenty pipes, Aud weeds full twenty more, Were seen to rise at signal _Where none were seen before. No mouth but puffed out gaily A cloud of yellow fume, And merrily the curls of smoke Went circling through the room. In vain th’ indignant Mayor harangued, A mighty chandler he ; While peas his hoary head around They whistled pleasantly. - inquired, Mid many a wild “ hurrah,” “ Of this what Father dear would think, Of that what dear Mamma ?” In rushed a host of peelers, With a Sergeant at the head ; JAGGARD to every kitchen known, ” the dread. In rushed that warlike multitude, Like bees from out their hive, With Fiorry of the squinting eye, And fighting No. 5. Up sprang Lysrector Furry, Up SerGeant JaGGARD rose, And playfully with staff he tapped A Gownsman on the nose. | their practice every night at Astley’s. | Tide wait for no man, not even for a British Soldier ! As falls a thundersmitten oak, ‘The valiant Jaccaxp fell, With a line above each ogle, And a “ mouse” or two as well. But hark! the cry is “ Swurrxins!” And loud the Gownsmen cheer, And lo! a stalwart Johnian Comes jostling from the rear : He eyed the flinching peelers, He aimed a deadly blow. en quick before his fist went down Inspector, Marshal, Peelers, Town, While fiercer fought the joyful Gown To see the claret flow. They ran, they run! to win the door The vanguished peelers flew ; They left the Sergeant’s hat behind, And the lecturer's surtout. Now, by our Lapy Mancaner, | It was a goodly sight, To see that routed multitude Swept down the tide of flight. Then hurrah! for gallant SyurrKrns, For Cantabs one hurrah ! Like wolves in quest of prey they scent A peeler from afar. Hurrah ! for all who strove and bled For liberty and right What time within the Guildhall Was fought the glorious fight. GUNNERY PRACTICE. Tux three wooden Guns that belong to the Allied Army go through This practice consists in entering at full galop at the side-entrance on the right of the warlike arena—defiling rapidly over the sawdusted plains that stretch them selves out in the form of an Amphitheatre at the foot of Alma—and then dashing impetuously up the platform that represents the steep bank of that redoubtable river—only the river, as viewed from the present Theatre of war, is not visible to the naked eye, or through an opera glass either. Alter executing these spirited evolutions, the three guns, as soon as they have reached the topmost height, wheel round, fire one, two, three times—being exactly the number of tubes of which an Astley’s piece of ordnance is ge | composed—and then disappear with the greatest speed and enthusiasm by the O. P. wing of the army. ‘This movement is necessary to enable them | to come on again as soon as possible, and go through precisely the same martial exercise. It gives a capital idea of numbers, and besides is a great 7 of men and expense. After this manceuvre has been yepeated with the greatest success two or three | times, the brave artillerymen retire to wash out, as is gencrally pre- sumed, the mouths of their guns—the liquid they apply to their mouths being generally a substance resembling very much im its appearance porter or half-and-half—either of which is said to be very efficacious in cleansing away the smoke that sometimes chokes them. A good | artilleryman’s pay rarely exceeds a shilling a night. In addition to | this, however, a certain allowance of powder is given to him, but on | the occasions above alluded to, every man is expected to pay his own shot. The Two Great Movements. [uz two great movements of the present day are the tremendous exertions of the Roman Catholics to extend their religion, and the strenuous endeavours of all good men to elevate the condition of the working classes. These two movements, so dissimilar, and somewhat contradictory in their tendency, nevertheless do agree in one important respect, for the object with each is decidedly a solemn desire to cele- hrate the mass, Affecting Farewell Speech of a Brave Defender of his Country. is heard, literaily, every Evening, 10 m., p.7. pm. at Astley « “ Comnapes, Honour calls us to the Field of Glory, but Time and fy | Rushes on board the Southampton Steamer,

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we 216 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - CLERICAL SHERRY. Aw advertising wine merchant recommends some sherry on the ground that “many of the highest dignitaries im the Church are drinking it.” The description given of the sherry is rather clerical, for it is said to be “ pale and dry,” in which respect it resembles those white-faced and hard looking parsons by whom it is probably patronised. We trust the “dignitaries of the Church” will not begin the practice of writing letters to their wine and spirit merchants begins we shall soon hear of the Dean of So-and-So’s port, or perhaps even the Bishop of Blank’s brandy. It would be a melancholy matter to the friends of the Church, if out of pure good nature, the great clerical dignitaries were to commence writing recommendations ot wines, spirits, or even beer, after the fashion now so common among the Peers, who are in the habit of puffing patent medicines. palace, and presenting a Bishop’s compliments to Mr. So- und-So, with a request for “six more bottles of that peculiar cream gin, which had diffused so much satisfaction thr out the Bishop’s family.” We should regret if even a mere Archdeacon were to be advertised as sending for ‘another gallon of that delicious dew from the top of Ben Nevis,” which had been “ highly relished as the foundation for a good sound toddy by several of the Archdeacon’s intimate friends and acquaintances.” It is possible that “ many of the highest dignitaries of the Charch” may enjoy 1 good glass of sherry, as well as other people, but it is a little unseemly to find them quoted as an authority for the wares of a wine-merchant. Some clergymen can ap- preeiate a cigar, but we should be sorry to see the tobacconists’ windows filled with “ cheap clerical cheroots ” 1s companions to the “ penny Pickwicks.” wil Wasrrrcree tip FE; THE CZAR’S DEBT OF GRATITUDE. | JACK ASHORE. to send the order of St. Viapmwie to Mr. Buienr. A large order for cotton goods would probably be more in that Policeman. “Hotro, Jack! I suppose You're not sorry TO come ON LAND) gentleman’s way. FOR A BIT?” | Jack (who hasn't got his shore legs yet). “Wett, 17 ats’? suc A BAD Prace ror’ Tae InscrtpTion rystpe THe Lorp Carer Baron’s aA DaY¥ OR TWO—ONLY IT’S 80 PRECIOUS DIFFICUL? TO WALK STRAIGHT.” Hat.—* Castor and Potiock’s.” ADVICE TO CLERICAL AGENTS. ANOTHER WAR WITH THE KAFFIRS. Ix a recent advertisement, offering a “ Next Presentation for Sale,” Ovr old enemies the Kaffirs have once more commenced hostilities | it was mentioned that “The incumbent is of very advanced age.” and declared war against the enterprising individual who has brought | This, of course, meant, that the reverend gentleman was likely soon to OVeT @ small party of them for exhibitional purposes. The agreement | die; so that hope deferred would not probably make sick the heart of With the Kaf ir chief now in this country was, that he and his fellow any holy man on whose behalf the succession to the aged clergyman’s %#vages should appear, in their native costume, consisting of a few income might be purchased. beads and a blanket. Since the severe weather has set in, the Kaffirs Dead men’s shoes, however, have sometimes to be waited for a long }ave insisted on adding trowsers to their usual apparel, an arrangement time. The living wearers of the shoes are old men, but obstinate old wWhich,while highly conducive to comfort, is wholly destructive of effect, men, and won’t die, The mere age, therefore, of the incumbent, inasmuch as a war dance in a pair of seventeen and sixpenny tweeds, affords insufficient information. It should also be mentioned whether is deprived of all its romance and half its reality. The proprietor of the he is in an unpromising state of sound health, or labours under any Kaffirs has, it is said, consulted the authorities with the view of tearing hopeful infirmity or ailment which might reasonably be expected to the objectionable garments from the legs of the Zalus, but it is evident compel him shortly to resign the Church for the Churchyard. “Eighty that if the slave is free when he sets his foot on British soil, he is years old and afflicted with ysis ;” “In his second childhood, and e«ually free to set his foot in a pair of British trowsers. We must constitution breaking up:” these would be announcements giving a confess that we are disposed to sympathise with the Kaffirs on this speculator something to go upon. If the incumbent had an aneurism occasion, for we think it rather hard that the ‘should be stripped to of the aorta, or an ascertained disease of the heart, or was the subject the skin, in order that they may, as an exhibition, outstrip all com- of phthisis, those important circumstances should also be mentioned: petition. In any event it is impossible that their trowsers can be torn a it might also be stated whether he was abstemious or given to off by the hand of the law, and if they should thus be deprived of their excess in port wine, dress, it is evident that they might claim re-dress from the legal — > ; tribunals of this country. Guy's Nose Put out of Joint. = = == ReMem Ber, Remember, A Roundabout Joke. . he — of - yp Tue reader is postigninnty requested to go on to the end of the first . Wher , pow yo shot ; paragraph, for though the commencement may be unpromising we Ch ben djoum P aPRARDt guarantee him a joke at the end, which is warranted to repay perusal. varged Jou, Pat, and Sanpy, Though it may not be prudent to buy a pig im a poke, it is advisable And a jolly good licking he got. when purchasing a set of tire irons to select those made of pig iron, ae and thus it will be wise to buy a portion of a pig in a poker. RATIONAL RECREATION, We hope the Commissariat euplicn provision enough to fully sustain Prostzm ron Masor Powys.—If you punish the Soldier’s Widow the energy of our forces before Sebastopol. Plenty to eat must be for having been deserted by her husband, then, if a Soldier deserts his necessary for such capital trenchermen. colours, ought you not to flog the regiment ? We don’t think that the Emperor or Rvssta ought | to be used as puffs and advertisements. If the custom | We should lament to see a letter dated from a Bishop’s | ‘ough- |

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| reads that divers sums are subscribed by Assurance Companies. JIGS THAT ARE BAD JOKES. Wak is something pretty. It is a light and elegant employment. Perhaps we shouldn’t say employment. Diversion may be the better word. Suppose we call wara pleasing, graceful species of pastime : for such it would seem to be considered by the world of fashion. “ Sebastopol—a new set of quadrilles, by D’Ausert;” “The Anglo- French Polka,” by the same Dancing-Master; “The Grand War Galop, Sebastopol, for the pianoforte, with splendidly Lllustrated Title ;” “The Alma Galop ;” “The Alliance Quadrilles ;” and “The Bomarsund Quadrille,” are so many pieces of dance music all adver- tised in one column of the Times, To some minds war seems to suggest the notion of such balls only as are set going by the fiddle and the cornet with pistons. The cornet with pistols and the Minié bullet would more naturally occur to others, and in tripping Sebastopol and Alma Quadrilles on the light fantastic toe, we should think that os of any feeling as well as fancy, would mentally stumble over the odies of the dying and wounded. CHARITY BY PROXY. Mr. Puncn observes, in the list of donations to the Patriotic Fund, certain gifts, touching which he requests some |jittle explanation. _ He OW Mr. Puach, having done more for the good of the services and of the fund than any person in the world, is entitled to ask out of what moneys these Assurance Companies pay their subscriptions, If the payment is made out of the private purses of the directors and officials, their liberality and modesty do them honour. But if the money is taken out of the profits of the Companies, money therefore which ought to be applied, according to contract, in increasing tle bonuses, and other- wise promoting the interests of the Assured, and of the Shareholders, Mr. Punch begs to remind the particularly benevolent gentlemen in question that they are not only being generous at no expense to them- selves, but that they are actually robbing other people in order to make a show in the subscription columns. This would be a species of Assurance of so remarkable a character that Mr. Punch, if certified of | - its existence, would assuredly bring out his own Great Moral Engine, and play upon the offices themselves until all sham completely got under. Meantime, be will just trouble certain function- aries, called Auditors, to get up the law of meum and tuum before they are called upon to revise the next set of balance sheets. THE PEACE SOCIETY IN EARNEST. Prsuic expectation has been somewhat disappointed by the Peace Society, which, it was naturally supposed, coal display an activity during war, corresponding to that evinced by the medical profession in time of pestilence. ‘Till very lately, however, no effort has been made by that once busy association, tending in any degree to a pacification be- tween the belligerent Powers. But a meeting composed of members of the Society was, we are py to announce, held yesterday, in the large room at tie Olive Branch, for the purpose of considering what steps to take with a view of effecting the speediest cessation of hostilities. The Chair was occupied by Ma. Betiwertuer, who after dwelling upon the horrors of war, as now exhibited and experienced in the Crimea, stated that the preven- | tion of those horrors was the object for which the Society had been constituted. That object, however, had certainly not been attained, and he wished that was the worst that could be said; but the fact was, a general impression began to prevail that, so far from tending to the prevention of war and bloodshed, their exertions, in fact, had tended to entail upon Europe and the country those very evils which they had been so anxious to avert. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI triotic fire were ~ 217 Mr. Bantams said the statement of their worthy Chairman was too true. ‘Their intentions had been the best, but om | intentions formed a pavement which he hoped he should never tread upon. They had proclaimed England to be a nation which had renounced war, even in self defence, had turned its sword into a shuttle, and its bayonet into a billy-roller, had yielded itself up altogether to commerce, and intended on no account ever to fight any more. The Emperor or Rvussta unfortunately believed this: the fear of England was before his eyes no longer: he gave \oose to his ambition, and hence the disturbance of the peace of the world, Considering the calamities which they, unlucky peacemakers, had been the means, however much against their wish, of bringing on this country, he submitted that they were bound to do their utmost to bring them to a conclusion. We were now at war, aod the shortest way to peace was to prosecute the war vigorously. He therefore moved that a subseription be forthwith entered into by the Peace Society in aid of the funds at the disposal of the Government for carrying on the war. Mx. Carve seconded the motion. He with the last speaker, that they had been making the noise that had brought down the wolf on the fold. In fact, they had been bleating much too loud. Mr. Dovey said he wished their intentions had been as good as his brother Baxtams had described them; but be, for one, was ashamed to say that although he had been, he hoped, to a certain extent sincere, he had, as a public advocate of peace, also been too much carried away by a love of tea, of playing pretty, of waving handkerchiefs, of cheers, of notoriety, and approbation, and_by a sentiment of spoonyism. On this account his conscience now pricked him, as he had no doubt was the case with many he beheld around him. They had too much cause to look sheepish: but it would be better to do their utmost to repair the mischief to which they had so largely contributed. Let them now contribute as largely what he might well call their conscience money : and he would propose that they should subscribe an additional sum for the support of the widows and orphans of our brave soldiers who fell in fighting to restore that peace which had mainly been interrupted through the ill-judged agitation of the Peacemakers, The motion was seconded by Ma. Corps; who expressed a hope that Government would devote a portion of the new supplies which they would be furnished with to the provision of larger Lancaster guns and a greater proportion of Minié rifles to carry out the objects of the Peace Society: and after singing God save the Queen and Rule Britannia the meeting separated, BLANK CARTRIDGE, Going the Whole Pump. Terrotatism has its extravagances like everything else, and the head may be turned by water as effectually, if not so rapidly, as by whiskey. We have lately heard of asad instance of aberration in a teetotal intellect, the result of which was, that the unfortunate victim threw away a handsome Macintosh wrapper because it was water- proof.

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9y te SURSUM CORDA. IS no time for looking pal fancies, of Victory are ringing the ear, Solemn brows, but stern and proud high glances and words of fear. morning, When the Chivalry of Gaul fierce warning ? and their fal! ? When our leaguer-brethren’s leader with a cruel anguish stricken, Scorned the down-bed and the pillow and the nurses’ aid to die, Was it only for a moment, that we felt our hearts’ pulse quicken And the blood rash to our foreheads and the lustre to our eye ; When with tone calm, but heroic, to his faithful followers turning, Who, with sorrow ing sobs bes aght him of his sickness to take heed ; He smiling sweetly told them, his wan cheek with strange fire burn ing That “a Maréchal of France should die upon his battle steed ,’ Was it only for a moment that the glow such proud words gave us Could warm our hearts to c “onfide “nce, and nerve us ’gainst despair ? Is it worthy of our name that we lament when foemen brave us, And mourn that Vict’ry is not won unless we do and dare ? Should we not be shamed to utter such weak words ? for they will wander To our soldiers’ Tartar watchfires, and before the leaguer’d wall Of tne Russians’ frowning fortress, is it well that they should ponder Ilow ungrateful hearts in England doubt their power to make them fall ! Should the Welchman’s bold battalion, which the sun of Albuera Lit to such a field of glory, and to such a field of death, Whence its ancient laurels dyed in noble blood have issued fairer, And to hear whose fatal prowess e’en the “ bravest hold their breath ;” Should the Guards of Royal England in their trenches gaily singing Of the valour and the glories of the British Grenadiers, While their comrades’ shouts of triumph through the smoky air are ringing, Be told that men at home are trembling with unworthy fears ? Should our glorious Chieftain, he with eye so true and so discerning, He who learnt his stern war lesson from the greatest of the earth ; And now in his life’s evening with a soldier’ 8 soul is yearning l'o leave a name like We.iineron’s for valour and for worth ; Should the Prince of Royal England, who with soul true to his station, And despising courtly cavils, urged his Cousin on the Throne, That as Prince no less than so‘dier he was one of a free nation, And besought to strike a blow for England’s honour and his own ; Should these gallant hearts be told that owr hearts have grown so craven, That their doughtiest deeds of daring cannot rouse us as they ought, And that like the dismal croaking of poor Poe’s unearthly raven We are crying, “ Never more” shall fields be won though they be fought ! Nor alone the /irviag hear us our manhood thus forswearing, And forgetting our high kindred with the brave and with the true ; Pallid spectres on the rugged banks of Alma may be hearing, And though they be dead, our hearts shall seem the colder of the two. Gallant Cuester little pondered when his country’s flag he planted On the stronghold of the foeman, and, his task completed, died, That of hearts like his, so loyal to the death, and so undaunted, We should dare to have misgivings, or to think except with pride. Cust and Curwtox, who remind us that the men of noble breeding Are as stern and stubborn soldiers as their brethren from the plough, And the humbler dead beside them, must not feel their wounds fresh blee -ding At the breath of our cold words, for they may hear them even now! Britain and the warrio 218 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ly “? ’tis no time for gloomy While the Alma’s shouts in as solemn, ee hearts More beseem a British free- man than white cheeks Did our hei oes perish vainly on that wild September of rs In yon cruel Tartar vineyard taught the foeman such Have we learnt no nobler lesson from their valour CHARIVARI. And our terrible war engifes must be manned by hearts unquaking, Nerved by our prayers and hopes at home to do their deed of woe With an awful resolution and with steady purpose slaking The i revenge fortheir brave leaders who were slaughtered by the foe. They must hear no ery or wailing—we want arms strong and unyielding As the metal of the cannon they are pointing at the town : They are smiling fiercely, grimly, as those great guns they are wielding; Do ye think rney¥ deign to doubt those granite walls will topple down ? For young WatsHam’s spirit ’s with them—he their gallant young hoy-leader, Who with fiery valour followed on the flying Russian’s track Till he perish’d at his cannon, Can they need a nobler pleader ? And, remembering his glory, can ye think they will turn back ? Nor alone who died in battle have a debt which we must pay them, They who sank in strife more hopeless with no war cry in their ears ; And whose torments had no soothing shouts of Vict’ry to allay them, Feel their martyrdom of anguish is blasphem’d by our pale fears. Brave old Type, who but lived to add'one chaplet to his st laurel, Then died of the dread Pestilence, shall he have vainly eu Shall much-loved Weuuesiey’s fate teach British hearts no nobler moral Than a passing sigh of sorrow and a transient glow of pride ? A ’Tis no time for looking palely, ’tis no time for gloomy i ¥ fancies, T While the Alma’s shouts of Victory are ringing in our . ears ; Solemn brows, but stern as solemn, hopeful hearts and W high proud glances 1) More beseem a British freeman than white cheeks and ‘“ words of fear. A — a M E A JOKE BY A TEETOTALLER. M Ir is not often that a Teetotaller attempts a joke, for F it has been considered no less difficult to make a pun on Ti toast and water, than to manufacture a steam engine on the same flimsy fluid. A good sound joke is believed to N require a ce rtain amount of stamina in the maker, and it Ai is therefore a commonly received opinion, that a jew d’esprit Tl hy a Teetotaller will be deficient in body as well as in spirit. We are, therefore, prepared to extend much in- mT dulgence to the juvenile ‘efhort of an ambitious member U of one of the Infant Bands of Hope, who, on hearing it Ci said that teetotalism was “ Utopian,” is said to have replied, “1 think you Topers are far more Utopian than W we are.” As a mild instance of feeble-minded facetie, Ty this joke, without point, may be considered almost as Ai harmless, if not quite so ingenious, as the Chinese anomaly Tt of fireworks without fire. De = Bu ‘ Ar Russia Holds on by a Rope of Sand. Ix It is rumoured—and we only hope that the rumour is Tl true—that there is “a deal of sand i in the Russian gun- powder at Sebastopol.” This is all of a grain with the M Late: ol cannonballs, and the fortifications at Cronstadt, On which are said to be in many places but little stronger 5 than park-palings. Moreover there is every chance for the above rumour being true, for we know from experience Th how all Russian officials, in their dealings with Govern- Ww ment, delight in throwimg sand in the eyes of the In Emperor. ;

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- eT SS PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 219 WONDERS OF RUSSIAN WINTER. “ HE weather is so cold \ — in Russia, according to A Constant Reap ER, writing to th Times, that “Itis not uncommon for Russian Officers in pulling off their boots to pull off their feet or toes with them, for in severe cold the ex- tremities are completely ¢ devoid of sensation.” This is a very re- markable statement; and more so, inas- much as the writer also says that he has had to break his bran- dy with a hammer for breakfast! Like other intelligence from Rus- sia, it seems to require confirmation ; for sup- pose the integuments, ligaments, and ten- dons of the ankle-joint of a given Russian Officer to have been so congealed by in- tense cold as to have tie, would they not still be strong to resist the Russian Officer’s own pull? Could the muscles of the thigh, if the feet were frozen to ice, exert the force necessary to separate the leg from the foot and leave both ' THE BATTLE OF BALAKLAVA. Tue wind of dawn is breathing, the mists of night are wreathing Up from the valley, in white swathes the mountain ranges sheathing ; Watch-fires are burning dimly ; hill-batteries frowning grimly Troop-horses in the plain below at the picquets tethered trimly : And the Turks in the redoubts, and the sailors on the hill, } And the Highlanders, within their tents, in the gray dawn, sleeping still When in with hot haste riding, our out-picquets bring tiding, That the Russians in force within the Eastern gorge are hiding. “ Boot and saddle,” and “reveillé,” in the cool clear air ring gaily, And horse and foot are forming, all eager for the mélde ; Marine and sailor batteries are alive with fuse and match ; Every English heart’s a-fire,—every English eye ’s a-watch. Manned by our Turkish ally five redoubts command the valley ; From a gorge, a short mile distant, the Russian vanguard sally: Tirailleurs and Cossacks dashing o’er the plain, with lance-points flashing— Now they open! Two field-batteries their showers of grape send crashing ; And as the smoke blows over, six squares of Russian oe Three on each flank, en échelon, proclai The redoubts with shell they’re plying. By Heaven, the Turks are flying! Under Cossack lance and sabre, by scores, like cowards dying! Curse the slaves, and never mind them; there are British hearts behind them, With British bayonets sharp and sure—and so the foe shall find them. Two deep the gallant Ninety-third are formed to bear the brunt ; And the Russian horse come thundering on that unshaken front! the foe in force. They ’re at six hundred paces—wait till you see their faces— Down go the rifles, with a fire, that empties scores of places ; But on their line still dashes, when a second volley flashes, And as lightning cleaves a cloud, through the Russian squadron crashes ; Down, rear and van, go horse and man, the wounded with the slain— That mounted host will count the cost, ere they charge our Scots again ! together in the boot-jack ® Cold, to be so in tense, and so peculiar in its operation, as this would amount to, must be capable of freezing the notes in a bugle, and keeping’ them frost- bound till liberated by a thaw. Startling, how- ever, as the assertion of‘the Zimes correspond. ent may appear, we do not object to it. It oceurs in a letter intended to call attention to the necessity of providing our troops in the Crimea with winter clothing. If the writer has succeeded in his aim, we shall not complain of his having shot with a long bow. a - SEBASTOPOL GEESE IN THE HAY- MARKET. Tut Times correspondent—(and how gloriously he handles his quill) — rites from before Sebas- | topol as follows— become extremely brit- | sufficiently | “ Down in this valley [the Inkermann valley] is a fine flock of tame geese, swimming on a pond near a house; the owners have long since deserted both the geese and the house. Many a longing eye is cast upon these geese, but the risk is great; any one venturing down so steep a hill to get the geese would run every risk of being caught by the Comsacks, who are always prowling about the valley where we never venture.” This is written on the 2nd of November. Oddly enough, all these tame geese took flight a day or two afterwards, and alighted in the Haymarket Theatre on Saturday, the 18th instant, where they made their presence very loudly known to the author of The Sentinel of the Alma. Never—since the days of the yo ee did geese acquit themselves more faithfully, or in a better cause, than these geese; these Inker- mann geese, Full oft in the fight you’ve aforetime stood neighbours, But ne’er in more desperate fray. The First Royal Irish are hard on your track, With the Fourth Dragoon Guar And the gallant First Royals, that never showed back, Nor found foe that their onset defied. On they dash, boot to boot, bended brow and bare blade— What care they for the numbers against them arrayed ?, In péle-méle on the foe, like a bolt from a bow, With a cheer, loud and clear as a trumpet, they go. Through a line, twice their length, and three deep for their one They have past, like a blast—but their work is not done. at their side, Fresh squadrons close round them: ’tis one man to three! Out-flanked and out-numbered, what rescue may be ? Hurrah! the Dragoons and tke Royals so true,— They ’1l finish what work you — Soon they clear all the rear, with the sweep of their blades, | And that shout tells the rout of the Russian brigades.} Oh, would to God that gallant ch rse, Then clear of blame had shone the fame of Balaklava’s fray ; But who is there, with patient tongue the sorry tale to tell, How our Light Brigade, true martyrs to the point of honour, fell ! “Twas sublime, but ’twas not cull That led six hundred to the guns, and brought two hundred back ! Enough! the order came to charge, and charge they did—like men ; While shot and she]] and rifle-ball played on them este the glen. Though thirty guns were ranged in front, not one drew bated breath. Unfaltering, unquestioning, they rode upon their death ! eft them to do! e had closed the bloody day ! are,” that charge of woe and wrack, Nor by five times their number of all arms could they be stayed ; And with two lives for one of ours, e’en then, the Russians paid : Till torn with shot and rent with shell, a spent and bleeding few,— Life won against those fearful odds,—from the grapple they withdrew. But still like wounded lions, their faces to the foe, More conquerors than conquered, they fall back stern and slow ; Meanwhile their chargers reining, and their own hot hearts restraining, Our heavy horse upon the right inactive are remaining— The hill their squadrons hiding, when o’er its summit riding, All a blaze with blue and silver, and in their strength confiding, The Russian horse, in triple force, to what our line can show, With loosened rein, upon the plain dash, shouting as they go. In spurs, and out sabres! Now bend to your labours, Enniskillen, and gallant Scots Gray ! With dinted arms and weary steeds—all bruised and soiled and worn— Is this the wreck of all that rode so bravely out this morn? Where thirty answered muster at dawn now answer ten, Ob, woe’s me for such officers !—Oh, woe’s me for such men ! Whose was the blame ? Name not his name, but rather seek to hide If he live, leave him to conscience—to God, if i But for you, true band of heroes, you have done your duty well : Your country asks not, to what end; it knows but how you fell! have died : VOL, XXVII. Z Per : , j ' ‘ 7 te

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ee ae i ee Lat red 7

" PUNCH, OR THE LONDON

if WHO HAS SEEN HIM? Ir has often appeared to us extraordinary that in the rage now prevailing for light and amusing periodical literature a little publication known as the Police Gazette has not attracted a larger share of public attention, as we feel convinced that a man might, without difficulty, make the grand tour without meeting with a tithe of such eccentric individuals, both in dress and personal appearance, as are therein weekly held up to public execration. We select from this charming journal if leaving an address , “ Escaped from Shiffaal Lock-ups, on the night of the 18th instant, charged with Felony, Josera ¥ Pvawe He is about fifty years of age, five feet five inches high, light hair, fresh complexion; had on a drab billyeoek hat, a brown coat, patched on the sleeves with a light coloured bine waistcoat neckerchief and fustian trowsers one hob-nailed half-beot. His parents reside at Bromstead- heath, near Newport, Salop. He worked lately with a horse at a village a few miles above Welsh- pool Information to be given to Jouw Garrrrrns, Police Constable, 26, Shiffaal, who will pay £1 Reward on his apprehension.” —Jow Street, Uctober 23 Can any of our readers_predict how long the individual is destined to retain his liberty, who is destribed as having escaped from “ the Shiffnal Lock-ups,” dressed in “a drab billycock hat and a brown coat patched on the sleeves with a light coloured blue waistcoat, red neckerchief, and fustian trowsers, one hob-nailed half-boot,” " for on reference to the punctuation we find the patches to have been composed of i these materials. We should imagine that unless his career had been ere this cut short, the 5th of November can hardly have passed without his having been called | on to play a conspicuous part.

“ Escaped, from the Defence Hulk, at Woolwich, on the 20th jnstant, Mites Conwvarr, twenty-three years of age, five feet six inches high, light brown hair, grey eyes, fresh complexion, aad slight made ; aman in fighting attitude, man, woman, meruraid, and anchor on left arm; half moon, seven stars, crucifix, ship, and hope on mght arm; man and woman, T.C. and C.C., M.L. M.B.on breast. By trade a tailor, and a native of Manchester.” — Bow Street, Uctober 21. The difficulty of recapturing Mires Conrrey would, we think, certainly be ‘ increased by that gentleman’s peculiar eligibility for the part of an Indian chief | in any caravan in which additional attraction was required, as with a man ina i| fighting attitude, a man, woman, mermaid, and anchor, on his left arm, a half-moon, seven stars, crucifix, shyp, and hope on his right arm, and a man and woman, and : T.C., C.C., M.L., and M.B. on his breast, be would have little difficulty in con- vinemg the most sceptical of his having origi in a locality where tattoo is a national characteristic. With a view of assisting the endeavours of our enter- | prising cotemporary, we present our readers with the portrait of Ma. Mires | Conrrey, without which their labours can hardly, we think, be said to be complete.

| | Crertcat Lerormation.—The Cloth Market at Leeds is not the Market in | which Advowsons and Next Presentations are put up te sale. the description of two gentlemen who have modestly quitted their friends without CHARIVARI,

THE BATTLE OF GUY FAWKES DAY. Supplement to “ The British Grenadier.”’) ’T was on the Fifth of November The Russian Forces ran, And long will they remember The fight of Inkermann. That day the y were defeated Of all days in the year; That day they lost when they bayonets crossed With the British Grenadier. Our cannons did salute them, In honour of the day, Our riflemen did shoot them, And swept their hosts away ; We threw them shells for crackers, They found our rockets queer, But hand to hand they could not stand With the British Grenadier. *T was very gratifying To see them walk their chalks, ? And think we sent them flying In keeping up Guy Fawkes ; Their slaughter was tremendous ; Our loss has been severe; But you ’|| reinforce the ranks, of course, Of the British Grenadier.

“PATENT ON THE FACE OF IT.” We used to think that the lawyer who made a charge for anxiety of mind, and trying to borrow money which he didn’t get, was a unique specimen. of coolness; but the individuals in Chancery Lane, who charge a shilling for looking for papers which they haven’t got, or cannot find, afford equally good specimens of that amiable quality. We hope our readers may not have occasion to make frequent application to the Patent Offices—though perhaps one visit would be well repaid by an inspection of the ingenious machinery for raising the wind which is in operation there. The following little scene, which, with slight alterations, has had a run of a considerable number of years, will give an idea of the profit to which the ingenious contrivance can be worked in judicious hands : Inside of Messrs. A. & B.’s offices.) Pray can you let me see Snooxs’s patent for extracting sunbeams from cucumbers ? Clerk (looking in a book for half a minute). Aint got it, you ’|l most likely see it at C. & D.’s, close by. Gentleman (going). Oh! thank you. Clerk. Shillmg, please Sir. Gentleman. A Shilling! What for ? Clerk. Searching the books. (He had looked at alphabetical list for half a minute.) Gentleman yiving the shilling). Hi’m. Sornr changes to C. & D.'s offices, where a similar dialogue ensues, and nother shilling is paid, and gentleman is referred to E.. & F's offices. (Inside of ¥.. & F.’s offices.) Gentleman. Have you Syooxs’s patent for extracting sunbeams from cucumbers ? Clerk. Yes, Sir—One Shilling. Gentleman. Let me look at it, if you please. Clerk. Yes, Sir—One Shilling, Sir. Gentleman (taking out his note book), Oh, another Shilling Well, 1 want to make an extract or two. Clerk. Yes, Sir—One Shilling searching, one shilling reference, three shillings reading—five shillings, Str. Gentleman. Yes! and Two Shillings to your friend close by—Seven Shillings! Very ingenious, but very scandalous. I’ll write to Punch / Gentleman in

Hogg’s Instructor. THe papers announce that at Glasgow there has been a positive panic in pig iron. Our own notion of pig iron is derived from our having seen an iron ring suspended to the nasal organ of the pig, and we have always an idea that there must bea good deal of what is called “ paying through | the nose ” for such an article. Wecan thoroughly understand | @ panic among the pigs themselves with respect to the ironin question. We presume that the money market will not be seriously affccted, for as the panic re to iron “im the pig,” ‘the great Jew capitalists will have had nothing to do with it.

| Ce 2 em ath 6 OO eee om oe st < wPF OQ <8 <cov oe Oe Pe

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| . Soe Sore Oe = it. PRESS Ge |

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

A QUACK AND A QUERY. THE VICTORY OF CHRIST’S HOSPITAL. Hanpsiit’ has been forwarded Or all persons remarkable for fairness, liberality, and tolerance, to Mr. Punch, containing a for a high estimate of their duties, and a low opinion of themselves, rather choice specimen of the Hospital Committeemen in general may be said to stand foremost—by abominable lies with which the anybody who does not mind making a beld assertion. quack medicine-mongers en- A alndid example of this == = been afforded by the Committee devour to improve the sale of of Almoners of Christ’s Hospital, m trying to procure the expulsion of their pernicious trash. Itsets Dr. Jacos from the Head of the Bluecoat School, for forth that an Indian Captain’s having, in preaching them a sermem from the pulpit, pointed out to little girl, aged eight, was in them certain defects in the a of that Institution, which it such a state of disease from was their duty to amend. The of these high-minded gentlemen dropsy that she was given over in this generous attempt, is to be regretted by all Beadledom. What by the doctors, that her face renders it the more grievous is the deeisien of the Court of Governors was “a mass of complete ulcer- that the thanks of the meeting should, en the eomtrary, be presente: ation,” and that her teethwere to Dr. Jacon for his sermon: for thus has that Reverend Doctor been 9 clenched that her affection- plared in a better position tham he was im before ; instead of being ate father, desiring to cure her, + rumed. had to wrench her mouth open The proceeding on the oceasion of Du. Jacon’s impeachment appear “with a wedge” in order “to to have been not altogether dreary. A Member of the Committee of force dowh a dozen of pills, Almoners, one Ma. Damp, seems to have afforded some amusement to No. 2.” The very next dayshe the meeting. We think we see and hear Mm. Danny; who is reported got up, dressed herself, and by the 7imes to have thus expressed his fine and gentlemanlike feelings was “ discovered sitting on a of indignation against Dr. Jacoz :—

hard form befave e plate of ham and beef,” and her father “has mever) 6p. J,con had also said that the Committee hadimot been careful in their selection | Masesty’s emblems than they would do of the same trash in a plain! | and which is folded round the “medicine ” whose miracles it narrates, 5 ailing since.” The Indian Captam seems to have some of the Under-Masters; and was not that an impatation upon those gentlemen? Ile idea that his weaders will think bim a great liar, for he adds a 1 begged to tell De. Jacon and that meeting that none-of the Under-Masters had been regret a are of such slow belief.” But Mr. Punch — but those who had brought with as high testimonials as those of Da. J acos not have space upon the above miracle merely because ae , : ‘ narrative is a litéle more clumsy and audacious than majority of | Any one who has had the of hearing an active Committe: similar manufactures, These is a ial class of idiots for whom pills ™an of any Charity abusing one of the officers of the Institution, wll and puffs are made, and apon whom all argument would be thrown have no difficulty im imagining the imflamed eountenance, and the exp|o- away. They would but grin, and go away and swallow another dose, s!ve utterance of bluff Ma. Damey. If Mm Danser is not bluff, we and the box into the bargnin, if recommended to do so. beg his pardon. But Mr. Punch observes something in this handbill which induees| After accusing Dr. Jacos of concealing the truth and telling a lic, | him to request five mimutes’ audience from the Ricut How. Wuisam the worshipful Ma, Dansy is represented to have put the case Ewart Giapstowg, Chaneellor of the Exchequer, and of the Viscount following :— . d | Patmerston, Home “ Now let him ask some of the Aldermen of the of London what they woul The rubbish which the bill im question is intended to puff is sold— think of the official Chaplain of the Lonp Mayon, if he mated from the pulpit in more shame to Mr. Grapetowz—under a Government stamp. It is | 0n¢,°% his sermons that not one of those same Alermem Bad ever been chosen to i thus qoney accredited and recommended to the ignorant, who think discharge of the duties of it? (Great laughter.) ighly of any mese wrapped up in paper adorned with HR | min! would an ae oe of ante Chaplain, Mr. Darpy ? ' . . . : i 1, Sir—the sort of Alderman that you contem- chip-box. Government is not ashamed, for a consideration, to lend its He would think, alou oF — F ~e influence to the quack. But this is an old-standing complaint, and Plate. He would | say Bough-ough-ough ? What ?—ough ! What, Ma Giaperors, and Mz. Dumais. end fan Goamens Ween. end the Lorp Maxor’s own—ough ough !—Chaplain ?—ough !—teach us Mr. Banixe aon — Mowreaciz ond uiale file of other our duty !—ough '—servant—ough ough i ave the—ough !—impu- NG, a ’ -] ‘ . . ‘ an 4 | | | that office, because of his possessing any one ef the qualifications requisite for the |

{Ao = —— - Ratatat esate re

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| by it, 7 a + _ \ Lt} ity2 _PUNCH, OR THE _LONDON _CHARIVARI. THE CZAR TO HIS CUBS. Czar, “ Weicome, my Cur~pren; Inkermany 18s a Groniovs VICTORY FoR you.” Ouls. “ Au Sine, 1 THat 1s Victory, We sHOULD LIKE TO HAVE A DerzaT THE NEXT Time!” THE BATTLE OF THE BUNGS. Tue anthor of the Great Taptubopolis may smile with contempt upon his enemies. He still serves out bis foaming small-beer at fivepence a morning pot to thirsty thousands. His triumph, however, conveys a most useful moral if men will only be wise enough to accept and profit In the first place, it shows the danger of education to the editorial mind; in the second, it marvellously illustrates the use and advantage of a shake of the hand by a Member of Parliament. Nothing | | can be more touching than the tribute pany by Publican Homer to the licensed victualling editor. Homer observed “ He was a proprietor of a paper which had a circulation of 10,000, but in consequence of having an editor who was a scholar brought up at Cambri idge, bat who knew nothing of the practical working of a newspaper, it soon went down.” A. great warning this, to all proprietors of newspapers! Let them avoid Cambridge and ‘Oxford, and—if they waht an editor—seek in Mrs. Peachem's school for manners, in Hockley-in-the-Hole. Hower would farther ask— ‘He would ask where was the Ags, the Spectator, or Wanderer, the works which Steele, Addison, and Goldsmith, conducted? They were gone: those great authors lived to see their papers die.” Now, the author of the Taptudopolis, not being a great author, would certainly not survive the journal to which his shortcomings were so particularly valuable. But our author is much respected by the up classes. Only to think it! Why, be is petted by the live son of a live lord! “To show the feeling in the higher classes, last week a post-office order was received from a son of Lory Rope», and « letter stating that he understood that the editorial management was changed, and if that were so he should discontinue subscribing to it.” This announcement made a very profound impression upon a meeting otherwise disposed to be a little noisy and irreverent. Homer con- tinued, like a master of oratory, keeping his grand fact for the last. “Now, Ma. Grant mixed with the very éite of society. When he (Mr. Howse) and others of the committee went with Ma. Grawrt to the House ef Commons, he (Mr. Grawt had the honour of shaking bands with Mfr. Osborne, Ma. Disnagii, and Ma. PETO.” This was too much for the victuallers. The Pig-and-Whistle fainted ! The Marquis of Granby flung himself into the Angel’s arms, and the Hen-and-Chickens sobbed on the bosom of the Mermaid. In the midst of these profound and varying emotions, Ma. Grant was introduced to the meeting astride a kilderkin, and the scissors of the Morning Bung- hole returned into his band: into the a4 hand that had been shaken by an Osborne, a Disrazi, and a PETO A BLOW FOR A PUFF. Ir anything would increase our sympathy with the sick and wounded in the East, it would be the sickness cz Lam | and the wound inflicted on our feelings by the disgusting attempt of certain puffing tradesmen to make a profit out of the sufferings of our soldiers. The low-priced tailors, who always take the lead in any assault on the pockets of the public, have endeavoured to tack themselves on to the skirts of the Allied Armies by advertising a quantity of what they call Crimea Cloaks, Balaklava Wrappers, and Abee Overcoats. Considering that gallantry is not a quality for which the tailors, as a body, enjoy any very great credit, we are rather surprised at the impudence with which some of the fraternity have ventured to mix up their names with “the brave men who suffer in their country’s cause, D tor we never heard of a tailor T | being made to bleed except by his non-paying customers. As our readers will doubtless share the disgust we have felt at reading Tailors’ advertisements headed with such clap-traps as “the Sick and Wounded at Alma ;” we think it scarcely necessary to point out that the best mode of punishing this offensive mode of puffing is to deal with its authors by not dealing with them in any shape whatever. Brow rour Horws.—The Standard expresses its opinion that Lorp Aserpesn isa Snail. It may be so, but we shall be much s if, next session, he is found to carry a House with him.

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\ SS NS . = i SS ~ SSSA \» SS \ SS @ a Gres se ae —— a Yr - on wera ae SS wy ~= se — > SSS. SS 62 = =. Decemper 2, 1854.) AUSTRIA STILL PLAYS ON THE SCOTCH FIDDLE. {[Puxen, No. 699.

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CHARIV ARI. 225 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON THE MATRIMONIAL INSTITUTION. We have before us at the present moment two rather interesting docu- ments—the one, a pro- spectus of the “ Matri- monial Institution, John Street, Adelphi,” and the other a police report, professing to throw some light on the mode im which the business of the Institution is conducted. The prospectus com- plains of public opinion, which “withholds from woman the right to which equality of intellect enti- tles her, viz., that of making choiee of a com- panion, and of giving expression to that choice when made.” The pro- fessed object of the In- stitution is to enable woman “to ask and to have” any male “com- panion” she may take a fancy to. This object is to be effected by “a safe, speedy, and successful mode whereby parties may be brought to- gether ””—a mode which is exemplified in the police report to which we have alluded. From this it appears that a young spooney in want of a wife was required to pay down a sum of £10 for the privilege of an introduction to a “nicely dressed and tolerably good looking lady,” waving a white handkerchief as a “signal ” in St. James’s Park, opposite the Duke of York’s Monument. The young spooney felt rather dissatisfied with the result, and sought another interview, which he was told by the secretary could only be arranged in the usual “safe, speedy, and successful mode,” by a farther payment of money. The oung “spooney ” upon this confessed his folly to a friend not so green as himself, ut still sufficiently green to hope for the immediate return of the £10, a demand for which was met by “a violent personal attack” upon him by one of the h warrant, which was no sooner granted than, according to the report in the 7imes, “the matter was arranged by the repayment of the £10—probably to prevent publicity.” So much for the case in point, and now as to the general Ruxes of the Institution, of which we have a printed copy before us. Rutz 1. Provides that “the Institution be conducted with the strictest confi- dence towards both sexes, so that the delicate sensibilities of the most modest lady will receive no shock.” We can readily believe that there is not much to try the nerves of the ladies with whom the Institution has to deal, and that the “ delicate sensibilities ” of that “most modest lady” who waved a white handkerchief as a signal in St. James’s Park, were not in the least shocked by the apparition of the young spooney who a paid £10 for the privilege of an interview at the foot of the Duke of York’s olumn. Rutz 2. Provides very prudently against “the annoyance of the curious” by requiring five shillings, as “a registration fee,” before anyone is “entitled to an interview with the Direetor.” Rue 3. Limits the privileges of the Institution to parties who are “respect- able” and professes to Eenit the charge to the registration fee, “ until a suecessful selection takes place ”—a limitation which seems to be at variance with the alleged yment of £10 for a mere interview with an apparently anything but “select ” emale party at the foot of the Duke of York’s Column. Rue 4. Provides for the payment of all letters, a regulation that must be satisfactory to Mz. Rowiayp Hui, as it prevents the loss of revenue that might arise if the Post-office had nothing but the “ Institution” to look to for postage. Ruz 5. Prescribes a form of application which must contain the “age, size, wealth, sphere, &c., of each applicant,” and contains a promise that “on no consideration are the names or residences of parties given up unti! they are both satisfied that their respective circumstances and positions correspond.” It is to be presumed that when both are “satisfied” that both have been duped, “ their respective circumstances and positions” may be considered to “correspond,” and may then know who is the other fool in the transaction. Rutzs 6 anv 7. Provide, among other matters, for placing in the hands of the Director “an envelope and containing the real name and address, which will only be opened after all the preliminary proceedings have been discussed, thus securing and honourable conduct.” “officials” of the institution. This led to an application at Bow Street for a! e are not told whose “secrecy” is'| thus secured, but when there are two parties to a transaction, one of whom is a| |fool and the other something else, the fool will be quite | as likely as the other to hold his tongue about the matter. Rowe 8. Gives any lady or gentleman the privilege of forwarding a portrait to the Director, who “ will only show it to interested parties, after which the same will be returned any time when required.” This seems to us the only really valuable part of the — whole scheme, for the portraits, sent under such circum- stances, would be likely to form such a gallery of remark- able idiots as could not fail to interest the student of phrenology and physiology. HOHENZOLLERN’S APPEAL. As sung at Sans Sovct, with immense disapprobation by M. Cricgvor. Parpoy, my children, your unhappy Sire, I stain your name: c* you im disgrace. But if that thought with rage your hearts inspire, Oh put yourselves, my people, in my place sefore in thought my dastard’s nose you wring, Or forfeit honour oust with mental toe, Reflect, if I appear a recreant Kiva, That | the model of a Brorisr show. England and France are up in arms to save Europe and you from brute barbaric power. Whilst you would join the battle of the brave, 1 bid you skulk, and sneak, and quail, and cower. Yes; but above the Freemen’s battle-cry. Above their savage foe’s malignant yell, | hear a tender sister’s gentle sigh, Who, if I crossed her Lord—would feel unwell. Above the War’s whole thunder, of her heart Forgive me if I hear the anxious throbs, And of your Krve deeline to play the part For fear of her hysterics and her sobs. ’Tis sad, ’tis very sad, all that brave blood For Freedom shed; yet pardon, subjects dear, That I withhold my help to stay the flood, Because I know it would cost Hen a tear. I do not crawl in infamy alone, Companions of my shame, my neighbours bend Before the Czar, for reasons like my own, Your German freedom fearful to defend. Oh do not seornfully exelaim, that those, Who Germany so basely have betrayed, Deserve to be paraded in the clothes That symbolise the sex by which they ’re swayed ! And then the Anglo-French may gain the day, And stave your serfdom off without my stir, Then you ’|l rejoice that you had nought to pay, And whilst you thank me, gratefully bless Hen. But curse me not, of liberty if stripped, And forced to venerate “ The Russian’s God,” Art, Learning, Genius, to Siberia whipped, You have to meekly kiss the Kalmuck rod. Still, if my memory must endure your hate, With resignation I accept the doom, I shall not fear your vengeance, then too late, Nor feei my ignominy in the Tomb. A Difference between Father and Mother. Te German language has both its “Fatherland” and | its “ Mother-tongue.” The difference observed between the two sexes is (says an old bachelor) in the above instanee both a wise and profound one. The “ Land” is clearly given to a “Father” because he is a man, and we know it is the province of Man in a country generally to hold the “Land;” but the “Tongue” is expressly given to a “ Mother” because she is a Woman, and it is well known that if Woman is a greater adept in one thing than in another, it is in holding her tongue. en peepee a

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THE NEWCASTLE COSSACK. “Mr. Taomsow, a subscriber t sympathies, bis exultation at news favourable to the Ewpenon Nicnoras, and his haht of marking such news in the papers belonging to the roumas, has been expelled, despite bis protest, by « resolution Has he though ? and serve him right, Only they were too polite, We'd have paid him for his tricks, With a score of parting kicks. While a nation, roused to strife, Pburs its treasure, mee its life — If a snob obtrudes his views, Toe, not talk’s the thing to use. Be they Quakers, be Argue with a man of brains, Censure, where it’s worth your pains, But with booby or with brute, Hold your tongue, and heave your boot. But this newsroom news may tend ‘That the slaverers of To convince the Russian’s friend That the traitor’s game, to-day, Is not one it’s safe to play. For a struggle, steru While a nation’s calm and still, But if Curs will join Any fool may prate his fill, CHEAP HOSPITALITY AMONG THE CLERGY. Tue Examiner of last week called attention to a delicious bit of pluralism in the person of the Master of the Temple, who appears to be no less than “ five single gentlemen rolled into one,” if our contem- porary bas given an accurate list of the reverend individual’s appoint- ments. He was already Master of the Temple, Canon of St. Paul’s, Lord Almoner’s Professor of Arabic at Cambridge, and Rector of Thurfield, when the Lord-Chancellor—perhaps with the view of trying the extent of clerical endurance, and ascertaining how mucha poor clergyman can really bear—thrust upon him a stall in Rochester Cathedral. That the Master of the Temple has not sunk under the burden, will be satisfactory to his friends, who—if he has a separate set of | acquaintances for each of his several characters must be a very uumerous body. It has cecurred to us that one advantage of this personal pluralism | will be found in the facility it will afford for enjoying the pleasures of society at a cheap rate, or at all events getting a character for hospi- tality, without resorting to that extravagant outlay which is the great bane of the social habits of the present day, and renders ‘it necessary | for moderate people to live apart, or go to ruin amid the wreck of jellies, the popping of champagne corks, and the unpaid bills of wine- | merchants a pastrycooks. As nobody thanks anybody for a plain | dinner, and as everybody feels it necessary to outdo | neighbour in living beyond his income for the sake of display, the Master | of the Temple may deem himself fortunate that he combines in his own person the materials for giving a dinner-party without | admitting a single stranger to his house, and that he sits down at his own table with a party sufficiently distinguished to entitle his entertainments to a place in the Fashionable Intelligence of a newspaper PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. the Newcastle Reading Reom-, who was notorious for his pro-Russian = But when feverish symptoms come, Fools—if they ’d be safe—are dumb. Not for Tuomsosx Puach would print Such a well-intentioned hint, Bat for snobs of larger mould, Lately something overbold. Bigots, spies, or only sneaks, Writers, working for Ais cash Whom Jouw Bu t has sworn to smash: Let them, ere it be too late, Learn from wretched Tuomson’s fate, er cemearamas May, perchance, presume too far. Close the Lion and the Bear, And get mangled—serve ’em right. SHAKSPEARE PROTECTION SOCIETY. talked of as creatures worthy of protection. Kels have met with ountlie. i herefore, then, should poets be suffered to remain objects of the most barbarous persecution? The name and fame of great bards ought to be respected, venerated as among the dearest national posses- sions. We are happy to say that this deep, this serious truth is fast possessing many influential persons, and the result is the formation of a Society for the Protection of S#aksPpare. This society has, it is said, been quickened into existence by the alarming report that Ma. CuaRrves Kean is at this moment about to put in an appearance as Cardinal Wolsey! The play of Henry the Kighth has been rehearsed at the Princess’s under the most solemn pledge of secresy on the of the company, and with Nevertheless, the intentions of {hy ef phut “3 at ; closed doors. Mir. Cuantes Kean have become known, and t is said the Society for the Protection of Suax- SPEARE have at length determined to act with — all the vigour demanded by the extremity of the case. De Bello Ang lo-Zallico. Ir is well known that the Emrgror Nicnoias not only is anxious to pass as a great mander, but also is ambitious to be looked upon as a mighty historian. In this way, when he is not wielding bis sword, he flourishes his pen in the serviee of his country, and busies himself in writing graphic accounts of the war in the Gazette de St. Petersbourg and the Iavalide Rasse. In fact, a good title for the latter would he the “ Czar’s Commentaries,” and we have no doubt it will be re-issued ia some such form for the nse of Russian schools, as something superior to C.zsar’s, of the other subscribers.’ they Greeks, The Black Sea Reviver. Tue success of the Siege of Sebastopol would preserve the Black Sea in its natural colour, and »revent. it from being rendered a Russian Lake, or Cavasian, by being crimsoned with any more of the Czan’s Sinope massacres. the Czar and fair, the fight— We subjoin a specimen of an article for the Morning Post :— “ INTERESTING CLERICAL REUNION. “ One of the most interesting Réunions that we have lately heard of took place a few days ago, when the Reverend Master of the Temple entertained a select party of clerical dignitaries at his London residence. The entertainment was given in honour of the recent presentation of a stall ia Rochester Cathedral to the newly appointed Canon. The guests present were the Lord Almoner’s Professor of Arabic at Cam- bridge Tair ersity, one cf the Canons of St. Paul’s, the Rector of Thurfield, and the Canon of Rochester Cathedral. The Master of the Temple occupied the chair, and in proposing, after dinner, the usual toast of Church and State, he made some very serious reflections on ‘the unhappy divisions in the Church—divisions he was glad to see which were not participated in by the present company, which presented a charming spectacle of Clerical unity.’ “The health of the newly-elected Canon of Rochester Cathedral having been drunk, the Reverend Gentleman returned thanks with much emotion, and expressed a hope that the same unity which had always existed between the other reverend dignitaries then present would not be disturbed in consequence of his having joined them, but that they would rather feel renewed vigour from the connection, on the ground that ‘ Union is Strengih.’ “ After some further compliments and congratulatory observations having passed, tea was announced, and the company rose as one man.” A Case for the Enout. To a classical mind there may be alleged one excuse for some of the flogging which Nicuouas may administer to his officers and editors. Their despatches and statements abouad with the grossest false quantities, Lozpsteas and cod-fish have been feelingly | Com- |

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A TRIFLE FOR PRUSSIA. SERIOUS ENTERTAINMENT. remotas has sent, with Wuat has been done with the Surrey Chapel? This | especial pomp, a trophy question is suggested by the subjoined advertisement :— | taken from the English THE REV. NEWMAN BALL, B.A., Author of “ Como | on the field before Sebas- to Jesus,” &c., ee ~— Hy at Suey | 7 Chapel, Blackfri amp Hitt’s).—The topol, to the Kix or | iohem Oe pubtic Ges the Service hitherte held on Tuesday | / Prussia. The trophy is evening is now held on Thursday, commencing at seven, and cloning at not very costly, neither | eisht o'clock. is it very big; but it pe- Are we to understand from the above that the Surrey culiarly combines utility Chapel bas been got up as a rival place of amusement to the | of object with significance Theatre of that ilk? What description of entertainment of meaning. The trophy, is given by the Rev. Mm. Hats, who is advertised “at then, sent with such cere- — Chapel,” as Ma. Waiout might be announced a! ; the Haymarket? Nothing is said about preaching: does meng by Nuc a ‘© the Reverend gentleman, then, give a series of imitations, Kine Faepenicx Wit | op lormances in ventriloquism, or does he divert his t14M OF PRussiA is nO gudience with a monopolylogue, or eonjure, or stand on other than an iron cork- | his head ? screw.—A thing that at onee illustrates the pacific) Porcarionat News prow THe Carmma.—The system | purpose of Prussia, with | of Lawcasrer is pursued here with great success, “ A her twisting, tortuous Russian will learn more from an hour's tice under this means of arriving at it. system than from a whole day of any ”— Burgoyne.

a “ and read how the raseally Russians have prowled about the battle-field THE SENTINEL OF THE ALMA” CIN THE (line and stabbing the » —the very devil's wickedness. But, HAYMARKET.) honoured Sir, isn’t it the cowardliest work in the world to deny to the enemy even the common feelings that bull-dogs and mastiffs have ? Mr. Peco has received the subjoined letter from a private serving | Do we make ourselves the stronger by showing the Russians to be a under Caprarn Jonn Batpwiy Bucxstoneg, of the Haymarket Dall set of cowardly braggarts and sunny pepeeeset And yet, Sir, 1 had shooters: and—inserting it as in Punch’s duty bound—cannot but | to do this in the Haymarket on that awful night of the 15th. express sympathy with the gallant fellow put upon such foolish! “1 must say, the audience fired hissing volleys : and I did think at and wicked service, as the actions of the 18th, 20th, and 21st instant. | one time they would discharge the pit benches upon the stage. But |no, honoured Sir, the true English pluck for a playhouse fight is gone. | You may get up a stiffish hiss, but a discriminating public no longer “Howovrep Sra,—I am an old (stage) soldier, and have been in| breaks the chandeliers. ‘ So many scenes of action; but, honoured Sir, 1 have never been called “ After three nights’ watech—three nights memorable in disgraces of upon to serve so shabbily as on the 18th instant, as Sentinel of the the dramatic campaign—the Sentinel of the Alma, as a sentinel, was y sare not - one another’s heads. ~ feint made - effect ; when | this in the post on my way to the rail for Herne Bay. the scene of operation changed—and I came upon the field, telling the i‘ . field about me that my name was Tipperary Tim, and at the same Yours, honoured Sir, to command, wet time, comically—fos I was ordered to be ‘comic ;’ ordered, Sir, by the |“ Haymarket Theatre, Nov. 2. Tivrerany Tru. neral who planned the campaign, who, if not a Lover of his country is, aA +o a, an a ey Lover of Himseli—comically, as I said, | shing my master’s coat. vor “Of course, honoured Sir, being a sentinel, I sang a song—but that | UN-PATRIOTIC WESTMINSTER. : wasn’t much. Next came the sharpshooting! Such crumbling bullets| Wate every place in the kingdom is forming its Committees and | and such wet powder! However, Sir, a (stage) soldier only knows | collecting contributions for the Patriotie Fun , it is naturally to be | his duty ; and | went on firing away, blushing the while at the rascally ane that Westminster—the seat of the Aristocracy, and as the ammunition and the ay r. have been in many st late Mz. Geonee Roprs used to say, “ the abode of royalty ”— would | ge but I =f felt as I felt on me Py oy 18th. Only think, | have taken o lead in the _y> National Page A meeting oe ir, of loading firing a honeycom gun that you expect to go to | announced, and the »inted day came, when the citizens were invite: smithereens with every discharge! And yet I stood to it. Yes, Sir, | to assemble in St. Martin's Hall, which it was thought by some would I rammed in and fired off I don’t know ad many shots of the late| hardly prove equal in size to the trul great occasion. The hour of Joseru Mitiex of comic memory; but they all fell short. I knew meeting arrived, but as nothing else had arrived, except a cab or two my only chance of taking the audience was by dash ; but it couldn’t be with some of the officials of the city, the Hall was quite empty at the done. Boxes, pit, and gallery opened upon me, and their shot hissed moment when it was ex ted to have been crammed to suffocation and whistled, that every moment I expected to be carried off my legs. with an ardent crowd of Westminster patriots. In this emergency the However, I am spared ; although the treasurer is very much wounded, High Bailiff rushed upon the platform, and addressing the vacant space the manager himself has received a contusion of the breeches-| made a few ooservations on the weather, which, being rather wet, had pocket. He is, however, doing well; and I hope will do better. probably kept away the patriots. It is fortunate that the rain, which “ Well, honoured Sir, i — an song, and although the Musie- | damped the ardour of generosity at home, has not a similar effect on sellers’ Light Brigade gloriously, making a dash at the resolu- the ravery of our soldiers abroad, who fought the Battle of Inkermann tion of the audience, the audience wouldn't ive ground an inch. At under an amount of moisture—to say nothing of the fire—which would that moment I assure you I wished myself in or in any other place | have sent the Citizens of Westminster flying for shelter under the of comfortable obscurity. As the grew on, the enemy thickened | nearest archway. - his fire, and my a ‘ro i at 4. ye _ — , ; ' ‘about me ; jokes that, I thought they ought to have hired the ape o ' the Zoological Gardens to crack, and not a real, live human =. Austria's Four Points. Jokes on bombshells at the same time that heart-strings are cracking) We cannot tell what these four points can possibly be, but consider- in many a breast ; that hot, sealding tears, big as \./lets, are rolling | ing how long a period Austria has been turning yy | and veering down poor widows’ cheeks ! round all points of the compass, we should say that the four pointa in “ But, honoured Sir, I was commanded to be comic; and as an old question must be N(orth), S(outh), E(ast), and W(est). (stage) soldier, I could only do my duty, and try my hardest. Still, | must confess the trath—I wasn’t comic. How could Ibe? You may , blow bubbles out of soa , but heart’s blood is another matter. Tue Pavusstan Constrrvtion.—A sealed Book, strongly bound in “* But, honoured Sir, I haven’t come to the worst. You have heard Russia.

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| Is there not many a butler, cook, valet, who would turn up their Philanthropist. “Wuat sow, wy Max?” Street Boy. “ Taxy’VE BEEN AND GONE AND SPIKED MY PeASHOOTER.” THE CURATE’S UNIFORM. Mvcn question has been raised of late concerning ecclesiastical cos- tume, but there can be no doubt as to the propriety of an improvement in that particular, which we have to suggest, bespeaking, first, attention to the advertisement en$uing, which has appeared in the Heclesiastical Gazette :-— \ TANTED, a GRADUATE of OXFORD or CAMBRIDGE, in Full Orders, of sound Evangelical opinions, with some experience and a good voice, for an Agricultural Parish of 700 inhabitants. Two Full Services, Occasicnal Duty, Pas- toral Visiting, and attendance in Schools. A knowledge of Church Music, and a wil- —— ——_—_— | lingness to impart it to a Choir, already partially instructed, very desirable. Remune- ration, £90 a year, with a very small cottage, partly furnished, and free of all charges, taxes excepted, but fit only fora single man, or one without a family. Apply to the Rev. G. M.,7, Bath Street, Bath Now, then, we propose that certain alterations should be made in the apparel of Curates. The waistcoat as usually worn, indeed we would have retained, together with the cravat, for distinction’s sake ; but the frock discarded. Instead of that garment, let the Curate wear a coat, which in respect of cut shall resemble that of a Bishop, but shall be distinguished therefrom by an addition presently to be specified. The trousers also, and boots, shall be relinquished, and the Curate shall wear knee-breeches and stockings, such also as a Prelate wears, save ouly as to the material of those nether garments, the former whercof shall be of a coarser description of cloth, and the latter shall consist of cotton. The clothing of the Curate’s lower extremities shall be com- pleted with a pair of long-quartered shoes, buckled beneath the instep. And here it may be mentioned, that the superfluity whereby the coat shall demonstrate that a Curate and not a Bishop 1s the wearer, shall be that species of ornament which is fashionably styled an epaulette, but called in the Saxon vernacular a shoulder-knot. This embellishment will not only prevent anybody from confounding Bishops and Curates, but will likewise hinder all persons from mistaking the latter for reverend gentlemen, simply so called. It will denote them to be such only in the sense of being reverend gentlemen’s reverend gentlemen ; it will, in short, indicate that the ra'ment which it is affixed on isa suit of Livery. | The Livery must, of course, be black, in order that it may preserve the character of the cloth: and for the same reason it is not recom- mended that the breeches should consist of plush; but powder might be worn in the hair with great propriety. That a Curate out of place should appear in this trim would be unadvisable, because that might | prevent him from being hired ; but the garb would be becoming so long | as he is in service; as showing that he stands in the relation of a | menial servant to his master. i | what is the value of these qualifications more than that of civility of 228 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. noses—if Nature had not done that already—at wages of £90 a year ? As to the little partly-furnished cottage offered in addition, by how }much does such houseroom exceed the accommodation which the owner | of a park affords the man at the lodge? It falls short of that, indeed, | by being subject to the calls of the Government and the Parish; so that the occupant would not exist in that happy ignorance of the nature of taxes enjoyed by the majority of lackeys. Ouly be would not be called upon for Income-Tax. |_ Some people may think somewhat of Full Orders, and estimate sound Evangelical opinions at a high rate; the higher if matured by some experience, and accustomed to be preached with a good voice. Bat deportment, bodily alacrity, length of previous service, and a good character from the last place? As much as £90 exceeds a superior | footman’s wages. ‘Two Full Services, Occasional Duty, Pastoral | Visiting, and Attendance on Schools, may be, morally s ing, more elevated employments than waiting at the breakfast and dinner-table, cleaning boots and shoes, going errands, and attendance on the foot- | board, but their worth in the labour-market does not appear to be j}much higher.. A knowledge ¢f Church music, too, and a willingness to teach it, are made apparently little more account of than the ability | to drive, and the readivess to be generally useful. Certainly the situa- | | tion altogether is “fit only for a single man, or one without a family.” | Why did not the advertiser say, “ without encumbrance.” It the social dignity of service is to be measured by its average remu- neration, undoubtedly the situation of a curate must be regarded as |menial. Let the Curate, therefore, be attired as a servant in livery ; | ecclesiastical livery: but still livery. Call him, if you like, a reverend | Viunkey. Very well: let him behave as such, and in time he may come |to be a Bishop. In the meanwhile, let him ride behind the carriage of | his master, the Reetor, to Church : or; if his master does not ride, let jhim follow him to Church on foot, with a long cane in one hand, and | the sermon-book in the othef. | OUR SOVEREIGN LADY THE QUEEN |Is terribly taken to task by the very pious and exceedingly bilious |editor of the Record. Her Masersrty, it is well known, gave attentiye |}ear and smiling looks to the band of the French Gui laying at | Windsor Castle on a certain Sunday. Well, the editor of the Record declares he will not endure it! No: he shall be very sorry to be driven to such an extremity, but—if it must be—he will lay hold of any of the pillars he can put his hands upon about Windsor Castle, and bury himself and the whole House of Guetru (with supplementary governesses and nursery-maids) in the ruins first, ere he will permit the Sabbath to be jagain broken by wind instruments. There! And now Her Majesty ‘knows the Record’s mind; and a terrible bit of sulphur it is. The Bible King and Louis Napotgon are pathetically put together by our Record. “s “We have no doubt that the music of the French Guides is far superior to the cornet, flute, harp, sackbut, and dulcimer, which were listened to by the King and his prime ministers on the plains of Dura: but counterpoints, mezzo-torte, and mezzo-piano, wil) | do little, we fear, to justify an open breach of the commandment of God, or to make listening to opera-music on the Lord’s-day a fitting employment for our rulers, when | a world is rushing te arms, and every post is bringing us the solemn tidings of | bloodshed and death.’ The withering satire that contrasts the cornet and the sackbut, burns like point of lighted lucifer, and has as saintly an odcur. Nevertheless, the Record, amidst this trumpeting and shrieking of brass, finds matter for rejoicing ; but only after he has coupled Nero with Victor ! “ Nero fiddled whilst Rome was burning. We rejoice to think of the inverse contrast between oar Queen and Paiwce, and the Roman parricide. And we are pained ali the more at this solitary resemblance.” The Queen and the Prince are, ordinarily, unlike the Roman monster; nevertheless, on a certain Sunday the resemblance between the listeners to music and ‘the infernal musician was very striking. Still the resemblance “pained” the Record, and that is something. Well, we have advanced somewhat in political toleration. The Record is no more heeded than a dead blue-bottle on its back, dead as the last Record. Like the aforesaid dead blue-bottle, the editor has buzzed his little nothing in Ais sackbut, und is despised. Still, we have advanced somewhat, when a writer was fined and condemned to two years’ imprisonment for calling Gronce Tux Fourtn “a fat Aponis of fifty,’ and now a brimstone-faced Matwworm declares a resemblance between Vicroxra and Nero, and is no more stopped in his way, meets with no more hindrance from his house to his office, than a dead | dog in its transit from Fleet ditch to the Thames. | The Great Case before the World. Many members of the legal profession regard the Siege of Sebastopol lin the light of an action of ejectment. Behind this case, however, lies a more extensive issue; the prosecutors having determined to dispute the Will of Perer tue Great. Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 1°, Upper Woburn Place, in the Perish of St. Pancras, and Frederick Mullet Evans, of No. 2 coria Street, in the Parish of St. Margaret and St. Joba, Westmineter, both in the County of Middlesex, Printers. at their Uffice im Lombard Street, in the reeinet of Whitefriars, im the City of London, aud Published by them at No. %, Pieet Street, im the Pasion of St. Beide, in the City of London. —Saruapar, December 2, 184, oS eed Oe Oe, OO ot eee COU CU lee > =a aS

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| pack of stuff! Nay, but, how so? How! ordnance without being at PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 229 RATHER HARD LINES. “ Now tuen! Apotruvs!! oe P , ’ ” LEASE ’M, IT’s— “On! DON’T ANSWER IN THAT IMPERTINENT MANNER; BUT GO ON. (Aside.) He’s EVIDENTLY GETTING ABOVE mIs Work.” A STEAM BATTERY. A Carita. joke appeared the other day in the Times. A correspondent of that journal. proposed to batter Sebastopol by means of Pexxins’s steam-gun. ‘This proposal has no doubt excited as much laughter as the very best thing in Joz Mirien. Of course it is perfectly absurd. Why? Oh, nonsense! Yes, but why absurd? Oh, fiddlestick !— ¢ y Why, of course, the thing 1s 2 is, impracticable—in other words, can’t be done. What a laughable idea was that of steam-navigation when first started! When it became a fact, how ridiculous was the hope of its utility to any extent! That hope, however, having been ‘ustified, how unreasonable it was to expect that a steam-vessel would ever cross the Atlantic ; and how utterly preposterous was the chimera of railroads ! Haw, haw, haw! cho the old gentlemen ; and some of the young ones, at each of these anticipated failures in succession—hee-haw ! The impossibilities all came to pass, though. Nevertheless, let us laugh at the suggestion of trying Perkrns’s stean-gum against Sebastopol. To sure the son of Mr. Perkins declares that he is “ prepared to undertake to supply the Government with a steam-gun capable of throwing a ball of a ton weight a distance of five miles.” It is true that he adds the assurance that, with such a oa fixed in Bauwet’s a ship of 10,000 tons, Sebastopol “ might destroyed without four) losing a man.” No doubt that to throw a ball of a ton weight five miles by steam may be a less difficult thing than to drag several tons, any number of miles, three or four times faster than a stage-coach. But, then, fancy a gun loaded with steam instead of powder! What a a n! Anda bullet of a ton weight! Imagine such an odd projectile. It strikes one as so droll. Ho, ho! =e! Ob pooh ! ; et we do try some things which we are by no means sure will answer. have to encounter. We uy te batter a fortress by means of ordinary certain that our missiles are capable of VOL. XXVII. A Goop GRACIOUS, WHAT MAKES YOU STOP SO ABRUPTLY ? We try expeditions without knowing what force they will | dqualtng its walls. We try all this at enormous expense: and why? we do. If we were to try the steam-gun and fail, the Russians would langh at us. Of course, they don’t laugh at us when our vessels run aground, or our shot and shell fall short. If we fail—we fail: and it is a failure to the extent of the cost of the experiment. Is the risk equal to that of one transport in a storm : of one regiment in a battle? If we succeed—only think how much we save. What fun ¢hat would be. let us langh at the mention of Perkins’s steam-gun—but laugh to think that it is not tried—laugh with Mr. Bricut, and the Greeks, and the Russians—laugh on the other side of the mouth than the right. A Hat in Want of a Place. We admire enthusiasm in the artist. In fact, without enthusiasm, the author is but a paper-stainer, the painter but a colour-grinder, the sculptor but a chipper of stone. Admiring the generous quality that makes the artist, we were delighted to hear that Ma. Cuantes Kean had purchased—at Horace WaLpo.e’s ge J Hill sale, with an oblique view to the future production of Henry the Highth—had pur- chased the hat, the genuine hat—duly authenticated—of Campinat Worser. Now, it may be very in Ma. Cuantes Kean to buy Carprxat Woxsey’s hat, but this question will arise—What, in the name of all fitness of things, wnat is he to put it on? ANOTHER FOR ABERDEEN. “Victory, or that old Abbey,” was Loap Netson’s cry. Loxp RaGan’s is nearly the same. “ Victory, in spite of that old Anpy.” A Great Lrserat.—What a munificent Sovereign is Nicuoras! See in what a generous manner he sacrifices his hordes ! A ' Because it is usual; because it is the regular thing: because | |

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- a x ——— oe 230 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ‘ THE MATRIMONIAL OFFICE. A LIFE DRAMA. En Chree Acts. DRAMATIC PERSON &. Ma. Sroownrns (4 party who, “ from circumstances” has “ few opportunities of micing in female sogirty, but having an indep-ndent income, a pleasing and gentlemanly efterior, @ good heart, 4 sweet temper, dc. dec. is comvinced that ha should make an eligible partner for life, and therefore atopts thia methed of,” hc. &@¢ — See hia various advertisements previously to his applying to the Matrimonial Office). Ma. Cornener Eowanos ‘a party managing the Matrimonial Offce. For his especial mearita, see the Police Reports). Ma. Sr. Crane, ’ Os 7 Mu. Ds Demvawes, phe Jonfidential Clerks. Me. Bowtrace Brick, (the truly British Landlord of Mr. Spoonbilfe hotel), Miss Leowora Mowreomsry (a she-party, of mysterious antecedents, but smart prreonal appearance ) A Small Boy, and the General Public. ACT I. Scewe 1.—Clerk’s Room at the Matrimonial Ofica.\ Enter Sroon sii. Spoonbill (with some confusion). 1s—are—dear me—I beg your pardon, bat this is, | believe, the—a—Matrimonial Office. Is the Principal disengaged ? lst Clerk to tnd ditto, Vok’s a principle ? 2nd Clerk. He means Cunpry, you maff, Show him in. lst Clerk. Vell, but if it’s a plant— 2nd Clerk, He’s all right. kathim. This way, Sir. [SroonBits és introduced to Scenz 2.—The Manager's Room. Manager (loftily). Be seated, Sir. (Reads Mr. Sroonsiit’s card.) I conelude that your object in favouring me those arrangements which conduce alike to worldly advantage and to domestic happiness. In other words (relaring his dignity), that you are—ha! ha!—a person about to marry. Mr. Spoonbill (blushing). Presuming that an eligible party offered, such is my desire, ir. Manager (all dignity). I should recommend no other to your notice, my good Sir. Mr. Spoontill, O,1 assure you—I didn’t mean that—L am confident in your discretion quite confident. You see I know very few ated but being possessed, X&c. Recites his advertisement. Manager (smiles graciously). Precisely. Why should you be debarred from happiness you are so well qualified to appreciate? What is an introduction ? “ Ma. Baows—Miss Jones.” F ose four words entitle a gentleman to make an offer toa lady. Is he not to make it for want of those four words? Ridiculous! Yet such is society, Mr. Spoonbill (delighted). My own sentiments! Sir, you talk admirably. Manager. \ might hesitate to accept your compliment, bat it is paid me by thousands. Last Wednesday, the young Eans or ASTONSWIGGLE, calling to thank me for his rapturous honeymoon—by the way, you resemble his Lordship so much, that at first I thought he had come again; but you are the taller man—used your very words. Ur. Spoonbill. La! Manager. He did indeed. “ In my adored Jutta,” he said—why do you start ? Mr. Spoonbill (smirking). Nothing—only Jvuiia happens to be my fancy name. Manager. Curious coincidence. But I was about, I fear, to betray confidence. (Z'ekes down a large ledger.) Now—(murmurs to himseif)— Lapy Lavinta, blue eyes, £10,000; Honourasie Miss Expexsvryr, golden hair, £12,000; Mas. Vinerkins, a young widow, £500 a-year ; Miss Maryeoro, slightly lame, £900 a-year; hum, ha! Ma. Spoonsrit, oblige me by looking into that Book of Beauty on that table, and indicating any face you prefer, (Mr. SroonsrLt, i# some confusion, selects the picture of the Marcuionsess or HitpensorouGca (supposed to have been engraved for some such purpose). Ur. Spoondill. Something in this style, perhaps—but—if you haven't one like this, w or.) I know hy Manager larchly). Knowing dog. (Looks into his there ’s—-yes—no—she’s a brunette—ah! Leonoza Montcomerr— about money—but if it’s an object to you— with this visit is to negotiate some one of that’s it. Mn. Spoowsris, will your engagements permit you to be at the foot of the Duke of York’s Column, on Tuesday, at two o’clock ? Mr. Spoonbill Certainly, Sir. Manager (writes a note and rings. Enter Cuenx). Sr. Crarg, either you or De Doumexrys order round the brougham, and take this note to Caven- dish Square. See the Countess, and— (whispers Exit CLerK. At two o'clock, Sir, then, be at the spot I have meutioned, and if a beauti- fal girl—I am sure | ought not to speak so of one whom | trust to hear of as Mrs. Spoowsrri—I would say an enchanting young lady should ask you the way to—to West- minster Abbey—afiernoon service,—I suppose (slyly) that Mz. Spoon- BILE wili be too much of a lady’s man to leave her to find the way by herself. Mr. Spoonbill (in ecstacy). Trust me, Sir. Manager (aside). Not exaetly. The fee, Mr. Spoonsris, is—let me look—(reads) “iortune in her own control”—“ large black eyes” “charming figure ”—the fee, Ma. Sroonsitt, is ten guineas—we’ll say ten pounds ! Mr. Spoontill (aghast). Tew pounds. Manager (haughtily). Sarely 1 cannot have been mistaken in supposing that I was dealing with a gentleman. However, the note has not yet been dispatched. [ls about to ring. Sir, do not mistake me. Would you prefer notes, or gold? _ Here are both. Manager (carelessly). As you will the note if you like—it has only to go change—give me the sovereigns. At two o'clock, then, Mr. Spoowsitt. revoir, May your wooing be successful. (Exit Mr. Spoonsitt). Ha! ha! ha! Jinks! (Re-enter St. Cranz). You and SyoG6s mind /e never gets in here again. Curtain falls, De Clare. All right, Cuppy. ACT IL. Scene 1.—TZhe Duke of York’s Column. Wr. Spoonhill (who has been waiting since twelve o'clock) One—two. There go the Horse Guards, and now—now. Whatever ; shall I say to her ?—the sentence is out of my head. Small Boy (to the Sentinel). Lobster, I say, keep an eye to that cove—blest if I don’t think he wants to prig the pillar. Exit, whistling “ Pop Goes the Weasel.” Enter Leonora. [She glances round—instantly deteets her game—and approaches him timidly. ha Wr. Spoonbill (alarmed). Bless me, | to Courts’s with about fifty more— | or, stay, | may want some small | Do not keep a Jady waiting. 4x | Leonora. I am sure I beg your _pardon—I have left my carriage—and | oS have missed my way. Could you direct me to Westminster Abbey ? Mr Spoonbill (in a flurry). Yes—O dear certainly—(points nervously and alternately to the County Fire Office and to the Horse Guards) there —that—I mean—it’s not easy to find—at least for a lady—would you allow me to show you ? Leonora. O, would you be so very kind? I am sare I may trust myself with you. Takes his arm, and they descend the steps and walk about. A quarter-of-an-hour elapses. Anybody can supply the dialogue. They ascend the steps. Again? I can’t promise. Certainly | can’t now. But (archly), if you find, on reflection, that you so very, very muc wish to see me again (I don’t know why you should), perhaps dear Mn. Epwagps will tell you some way to manage it. Mr. Spoonbill (coaringly). Couldn’t we do it without him? For to tell you the truth, he is dear. He me pay 3 great deal for this pleasure—not that it isnot worth all the money and more— - Only— Leonora. Really? I am a child in these matters—I know nothing Leonora. O, you flattering thing. | ai tata oe eS ee a oO 6 Om ee bee

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i le ee ee Oe cr rrw ww Mr. Spoontill (frightfully aint No, no, no, adored Miss Mowt- Gomexy, or if I might say—Lezonora. Leonora, For shame! But what did you pay Ma. Enwarps—fifty unds, per " Mr, ere Not so bad as that—only ten. Leonora ‘aside). Then I know my per-centage. Is that all? | hope you don’t grudge it. Oh dear me. There’ s my uncle the Bisuop oF PPOPOTAMUS and my cousin the Duxe ory Bataktava. | mast go this instant. If you want to nous of me again, you creature, you know the way. Exit. Mr. Spoonbill, What an "angel ! (Curtain fads. ACT Til. Scene 1.—Before Ma. Sroonstii’s Hotel. Enter Ma. Seoonsitt and Ma. Bowtrace Barcx. Mr. Spoontill (in the fulness of kis heart completing the aarrative of his matrimonial fat A we fm she went 0 Mr. Brick. You great stupid Ass. You Idiot. You Gull. You Ninnyhammer. You horrible _Exeunt. Scznz ee Metres Office. Mr. Brick. Now you — Don’t air till or 1’li—— (4 pause, avs then a fearfub an soo inside, and some heavy falls. Enter from office 3x. Ciann, with a back eye. St. Clare. Oh my eye! ( Bxit- Enter from ditto De Dowrxus, with o bloody nose. De Dumpkins. Oh my nose! [ Baxit. Re-enter Mr. Brick, flushed, but trimmphant. Mr. Brick. \’ve got back your tem pound, you soover you are off to your native fool.” And now”the the better. Marry the | first honest dairy-maid that will have you, and leave London alone. It’s for asses like you that rogues set traps. Mr. Spoonsiiy (tothe audience). } My friend ’s a brick, and if he’s rough he’s right. 'o Lincolnshire If go this very night ; So all take warning by this lesson grave, And when you cut for partmers, cut a knave. Curtain falls, | | BEADLEDOM IN DANGER. ae following en, lacard has been posted on the walls, the the pound, and other parochial property of a place called Kshted—a name for which we have searched, in vain, in the map of Engiand. ONE GUINEA REWARD. Whwearss on Sunday Evening last some one (from among a gang of | diserderly youths who congregate in Berwick; Street during the time of Divine Service at St. James's Church,) | THREW A STONE; } aT THE BEADLE, wan STRUCK HIM ON THE HEAD. The placard then punning to state that the authorities will pay “ tne above reward” to any one who will give such information as hall lead to the detection and conviction of the offender. We can almost sympathise with the panic into which Ashted has been plunged by this out upon her beadle, who we trust rejoices in that thickness of skull which has protected so many of his fellow dig- nitaries under similar lties. It is evident that a blow is aimed at the head of a parochial state when it is aimed at the head of a Beadle, and a stone thrown in that saered direction, is in faet ~~" hurled at one of owr most venerable institutions. In th: e Beadle may be said to be united, the staff of authority, the gold lace of dignity, and the cocked hat of power. It is due to his successors, that be should hand down that staff unbroken; that gold lace untarnished; and that cocked hat unstained by the mud of malice, or the stone of violence, to an expectant posterity. We are glad to see that Ashted has spoken Out and i ready to lay down its guinea, if not isle, in defence of its PUNCH, OR THE LONDON _CHARIVARI. 231 AD PISTOREM BANBURIENSEM. O Baysurny! Carmen non prius auditum Musarum sacerdos will sing in th And thy deeds (as non tenui penna het w write *em) Shall be wafted by him to the world’s latest days. Yet let not thy old woman hasten to read it ; Its musie won't praise Aer wherever she goes, For we knew atra cura post equitem sedet, And we seorn the gay rings on her fingers and toes. Nor shalt thou, Puritane one! long hated by many, ~ Be able my straims to command, or to hire’ em, And from this, not thy vultus imstantis tyranni aS Geng oe Sed salve! mi Cianspes, tu, motor Of the songs whieh this > will make, Until te diseet ther e¢ Rhedani poter Et neseent Geloni thy Banbury Cake. ies ye ——_, ~~ Sut thik not, ye ones, Deets tenes, For cakes, piping hot, everlastingly And leave me tte And such cakes ! ie cee Do manus scientie, men! For if cakes ever tem te the Moon fom ber ple, Am sure thine easily do it again. Ah! Quid fles Asterie 0 ee ineteae Mad he served you mate vilely than ever yet mandi I Could soothe you at once with a Banbury Cake Great Punch / cease to seourge the world’s follies and leave ‘cm One moment’s repose from thy labours to Consiliis misce stultitiam brevem And solace thy soul with a Banbury Cake. And all ye who seek a lenimen laborum For CLaripce your Purssei. or Vuney forsake, For non Sicule dapes tam — "m saporem Can give to mankind as his Banbury Cake. _COMFORT AND DANGER, e ouR Peace man rails at your Soldier yv pretty much im the same way, we can imagine, as the Bright Poker rails at the poor Poker that docs all the work— standing quietly aloof, exposed to no hard knocks or blows, its comfort never disturbed, its brightness never sullied, but enjoying a most comfortable post, it entertains necessarily the most polished ay for the poker that is every moment liable to be carried into the thick of the fire. In the same manner does Ma. Baiout, who never stirs from ». his fireside, look contemptuously down, we faney, upon the poor fellows, who do all the stirring work, and have to stand the brunt and fierce heat of every day’s action, im order that he may enjoy his snug and eomfortable position in doing nothing. In fact, not at all a bad title for the Member for Manchester—and we make all men of cotton a present of the nom de paia—would be to call him “ England’s Baicut Poker.” A Companion to the Calendar. Neweare has already its “Calendar of Crime,” and, judging from | the atrocities practised by the Kussian soldiers in the Kast, Nicuotas will soon be able to furnish an appropriate companion in his “ Calendar of the Crimea.” A Scotcu Fast.—All the Spiders in Glasgow are, for the future, condemned to fast regularly once a week, for we see that no Flies are allowed to come out now on a Sunday. Hist rrom Kossutn.—In attacking the Russian Bear, you will find | no weapon efficient unless you also employ a Pole. eee ace | :

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ci 232 _____ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. IF 4 ot a legs THE MOTHERLESS CHILDREN OF FASHION, ANATOMY OF A RUSSIAN GUY FAWKES. mn We should be glad to know what has become of all the Mothers in| Aw Irish surgeon, residing in Manchester has sent us an account of | the Aristocratic circles, for if we are to judge by the paragraphs in the a post mortem held on the body of Ma. Baicut’s effigy, which was ; fashionable papers, a Mother is a relationship that has become ex-| burnt there the other day. © appearances observed were the Bae tinct. The article now in fashionable use, as a substitute for the | following :— | | sr >: once favourite character of a Mother, is described as a “maternal, The whole exterior exhibited a drab discolouration. it parent,” with whom the young Viscount So-anp-so is said to be| The chest presented an almost total absence of heart ; the pericardium - stay when he happens to be at home with his Mamma. These | forming a kind of cyst, bag, or purse, resembling an old brown-paper | | Va: are really not the days for this kind of stupid affectation, and our dis- | cap, and exhaling a strong odour of Russian leather, communicated to hE gust at the absurdities of a highly artificial state of society is turned jt by a quantity of rancid oil, which constituted the Aguor pericardii. into a somewhat stronger feeling, when we find the nearest of natural The heart, or what remained of it, afforded throughout a specimen of tes ~ of its natural name in favour of a made-up title, more fatty degeneration, and may be said to have consisted of tallow. The adapted to the cold phrgwontaas of fashionable life. this sort of Jungs were consolidated by a morbid deposit of a nature apparently thing is to be carried further, it will be necessary to have a fashionable }ituminous, like piteh or tar, and the only air-tubes perceptible in them | dictionary for the guidance of those who may wish to render their | had the appearance of straw. | relations — the terms current in “society "—a phraseology which| [n the stomach, the liver attracted attention by its remarkable may fairly be termed the sian the salons. We give a specimen of | whiteness, which was owing to its structure having assumed a cottony | two or three words, which will be sufficient for the puldense of any one | character. The convolutions of the viscera also bore a singular resem- | | "Monk elie | oete® head mained on of brain, but it bad bee | ; Mother —A maternal t. | T contained an average proportion of brain, but it ha Father —An author of one’s being on the paternal side. | all converted into lignine or woody fiore, disposed in bundles like deal Brother.—A male relative in a similar degree of affinity to the same wi} =~ smelt powerfully of P : parental stock. All appearances were quite sufficient to account for Son,—An individual of the masculine gender, deriving his being from ‘he inflammation which terminated the patient’s career. a paternal and a maternal parent. ‘a a 3 Grandmother —The maternal parent of a maternal or a paternal rent. The Foreign Vintage and the British Cellar. pa Grandfather. —The paternal ditto of a ditto or ditto. ‘ : : : Tue extensive failure of the vintage, owing to the disease of the — grape, will probably not occasion, in this country, an appreciable scarcity of wine. If every in Portugal has this season, To these About to Marry. there is little fear that Eagland will be supplied the less plentifully om Tene are certain noodles who complain in the papers of being that account with Port. fobbed by the Sec to the Matrimonial Alliance Association out of various sums, from to £90, laid out on the chance of future wives.. Reromm mx tHe Anmr.—It is pleasant to know that, if our soldiers Such simpletons do really deserve the wedding-ring; and ought to wear | in the Crimea are to have winter clothing of sheep-skin, they are not it,—but then it should be, in the nose. to be fleeced by clothing Colonels. % by a ly

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OFFICE.” GIVING THE Johany R—W. “1 SAY, ABBY, MY OLD-UN, THE VESTMINSTER SESSIONS IS FIXED FOR THE 12rn. ee | If YOU AIN'T PREPARED WITH YOUR DEFENCE, YOU ’D BETTER CUT.”

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MENSCHIKOF?’S RETREAT. = ack, bold | } wards!” shout ; = wa Cut away, bold Major, cut, On the helpless victims glat _ —_—_ ——- All your soul : for liege lord Nick — a — Cut away ; and cut your stick! ec Cut the last with all your speed, Then a Cross shall be your meed, And an Order, let us hope : Not a gibbet and a rope.

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DE LUNATICO. A PARAGKAPH appeared a few days ago in a Manchester paper in- forming the world “a gentleman of low stature” has lately “ been observed ” to travel frequently during the last fortnight between London and Manchester. We should have thought that in these da of rapid locomotion a man might have made a few journeys to and fro without subjecting himself to remark ; but it appears that m Manchester “different conjectures are made as to the cause of his eccentricity.” | These conjectures have, we find, terminated in the “ general opinion that he has suddenly become possessed of a large fortune, and his brafn has become aff ” As if there were no very satisfactory reason for thus summarily returning a verdict of insanity on a man who has fre- quently travelled by rail, we are further informed, in confirmation probably of the theory of “ the lost senses,” that “he had three gold chains to his watch.” We should like to know in what way these gold chains are regarded as supplying the links of evidence required to prove a case of insanity. To us the circumstance of the three gold chains, coupled with the fact | of frequent journeys by railway, would seem to afford proof of an abundance of caution, and a sensible desire to prevent the loss of a _ watch while travelling. paving be

PAROCHIAL UNION IS STRENGTH. A pEADLY dispute has lately been going on between two parochial S, in a suburban neighbourhood. We are happy to an- nounce that the feud has ceased, and that the Commissioners no longer seek to use the public paving stones for the purpose of paving the way to the gratification of their own ambition. It was a gratifying sight a few days ago to see the ive beadles presidmg at a friendly paving act of a once disputed footpath, and superintending the union of “the — of the two lately ile parties. We trust that the — — on Bem —- oecasion will - — — — the erbs will ope on passions as well as t thways of the neighbourhood. ais a

A Walk beyond Walker, Most people that we meet with call ‘The seat of war Sebastopol ; But that’s not right, say some pe-ople ; You should pronounce it Sebastople.

Apvice To THE Orpwaxce.—Spare no expense in increasing the calibre of your guns. It will be a greater bore to the Enemy than to us.

Owe Comrort.—Hardly our fellows may fare in the Crimea ; but the Emperor or Russia won't have his Turkey this Christmas.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART.

OUR HOLY WAR. His Holiness the Porz has convened a meeting of Prelates to tak? into consideration the propriety of adding a new article to the Christian Faith, im the view of thus appeasing the wrat i hundred years ago. It is not for us to teach our Grandmother Rome to suck eggs: yet we would venture to suggest that the Porz might do something a little more direct in relation ar than minting a new mystery. : ; 4 ae, Did not ~~ -*3 his pre- ecessors 0) y memory promote encourage divers inelusive J- against the Albigenses? Suppose, for the sake ar who less mis- > . They don’t believe in the whole of the Nicene en what, perhaps, is almost as bad, don’t believe in the Pors himself. They have persecuted the Pors’s faithful as well as Manomer’s. They are now in arms, not ~~ —< us, hereties, but against the soldiers of the Church, owr Allies. Now, then, is the time for bis Holiness to come out in defence of his own. Could he not aid the French artillery by launching a fulmination against ’ Our Ancupisnor or Cantexsury does not these things. But they are competent to the Pore : and a hearty anathema hurled at the Tyrant’s head, would be worth some shells and rockets. It is not probable that the Papal benediction, or any other, of a bullet would have the same effect as the ves of a rifle, or the oval twist of a Lancaster gun. The ball would not be likely to go farther or straighter for a Latin benison and a spargefaction with holy water. Bullets thus consecrated, however, w be aimed more steadily and fired more sharply, by all who believed in them. The Czan stamps his cannot-shot with a cross. Small blame to him for that, if any, but rather much the reverse, would be attributed by the Bisnor or Rome were it not that the cross is a Greek instead of a Latin one. In place, therefore, of holding an idle synod at Rome, the Porz should repair to Paris, where he might crown the Emperor Lovis Napoteon, and solemnly bless the French ammunition at the same time. Coupled with this overt act, his Hotrwess might promulgate a Bull, denouncing Nicuoxas as the Great Thief of the World, and raising the hue and ery against him of all Christendom. The usual condition of remission upon penitence would of course be attached : but the offender held up in the mean time as a Bear to be hunted down, or rather a gigantic Rat to be baned. In his last pastoral the Porz abused some person or persons very violently, but did not specify whom he meant. It is a pity that the thunders of the Vatican should sound so vaguely. They seem to roar at everybody in general, and nobody in particular: when there is some- body who has so loudly called them down. To place the Church of Rome in a great moral position ; to show her forth as the patroness of right and justice, and opponent of evil; to banish the recollection of winking pictures and sham mopersiens why cannot the Pore now make a demonstration against the Czar ? Is it because he wishes to convince Exeter Hall that he does not pretend to excom- municate and depose Sovereigns? Very likely! Memento Mori. Suovtp blessings of the dying fail To rescue dear Miss NicurTinGa.e ; Nor a nation’s pare sufhice To stay Death’s unrelenting hand ; She ’!l surely im another land Be a Bird of Paradise.

“ SLUMBER, MY DARLING.” Azenpzen’s notion of the “ Entente Cordiale” must be that it is something like “ Godfrey's Cordial,” for he has tried all he could to | send both countries to sleep with it. RUSSIAN DUTCH COURAGE. Tuey say the Russian soldiers have them previously to going into action. ing on the war with spirtt. lenty of Raki served out to ertainly, the enemy is carry- [urnovements ts Rossta.—Nicnotas ought to be very much to Lovis-Napo.eon, for he has deciared it to be his intention a yom, with the aid of his brave army, to repair the French Retreat at Moscow. Tas Grasp Feast or tus Gaaco-Cossacxk Cavacu.—Candlemass.

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= i erty a ae

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THE BATTLE ROLL. THE BATTLE OF INKERMANN. Time preserves the Spartan story of Leowrpas’s glory, How with his true three hundred, Persia’s swarms he held at bay— Fame records the Switzers’ daring, who Burgundian overbearing Tamed, bundreds matched ’gainst thousands, on Morgarten’s bloody y. But Swiss nor Spartan annals contain no deed more glorious, No feat of stubborn hardihood, ’gainst mightier victorious, No list of nobler martyrs, no tale of bloodier s ters, Than that which shall have name. upon Britain’s roll of fame, By the title of Inkermann’s affray. Cloud-wreathed our camp was sleeping, when like serpents they came creeping, Through the brushwood of the gorge where the dark Tchernaya flows : e= Our picquets were wet and weary, and the mist lay dense and dreary, #—&= And their guns were on the heights in face, or e’er the morning rose— When from the fog-bank dashing, lit with their rifles’ flashing, = With ninety great guns in their rear, all thundering and crashing, | In columns fifty deep, through the serub and copse-wood thrashing, The gray-clad Russian hosts, with the foremost of our posts, In desp’rate but unequal grapple close. Back, slow and stern retiring, fall our piequets, but the firing Has given the alarm to the sleepers in our camp ; All is ordering and arming—and mustering and forming, Brigade upon brigade along the hill-crest—dark and damp. Brown’s gallant Light Division hold the slopes towards the sea; To their right the sturdy Second—what though fasting men they be ! | Alill-ward urging, up surging, like the leaping of a wave, fi } e sturdy ; And Cartucart, with the Fourth, none gallanter than he— t | SOME PEOPLE NEVER CAN SPEAK THE TRUTH. |” Coldstream and Fusilier and stalwart Grenadier ! i Mon. “Heng YR-ARR—ALL ‘OT, ALL ’or.” | Taking ground with a stern and steady tramp. Boy. “On wx! Waat a sorry Cramure !” |On come the Russians pouring, with yell and dranken roaring, oR = — a = bay mute and wo age Loy eo Y nog h at breasts the ocean, : | to nine, stands that ime of British brave. THE RANGE OF RUSSIAN FIRE. And as back from off the rock-face the breakers start in spray, Wuarever doubt there may be that spontaneous combustion ever _ 50, shattered from that iron wall, the Rassians fall away, occurs a the w body, ihase penne mam proof that it ape happens “—_ eg ed -~ = ; +e - — oe wh | in warehouses. Cotton, whi been used in wiping oily machinery, | e ne sh bright m the rapid pus , Lf | is generally the material which ignites. This same cotton is a And the Minié reaps the harvest of the grave. substance. So it seems from the following statement in the Jimes :-— Still hurled back, but still di hall the straggie have no ending ? “Tue Late Arremprs at Incewpianiom iv Mawcuester.—A man named Beware What care they how many fall? Lives are cheap. ss | Seu bi ht before the Manchester Magistrates yesterday, with : . — ’ : , : — | SRM Sree ty ae mamas Magan, Peereey, Saree wt Our unshaken line is thinning, out-wearied ev'n with winning, bounded on one side by Cross Street and on the other by Pali Mall, witha ball of eotton _ And the foe still pours on his columns deep. Pepe Ne ee ae t | wool in his handa,to which he had applied a light, and which resembled in every Ti)! the rock our soldiers fight on is sli with blood te | respect the balls of cotton waste, with which 20 many attempts have recently been made to And the dead dot all the slope, and the wounded fill the wood, FF , And as each Briton falls, there ’s another where he stood, oy Since Cotton of a superior quality shows a disposition to succumb to ‘For the fight is hand to hand, a host against a band, : Nicuoxas, it would not be wonderful were an inferior description of But the foe win no footing on the steep ! - the same article to lend itself to the designs of the Russan Incendiary. : There is Cotton in Manchester and elsewhere sufficiently wicked to be Slowly climbs the red round sun, as weary and foredone, 4 willing to serve him for a wick. Fellows who rejoice at the slaughter Their arms all stiff with striking, ammunition failing fast, } of our brave soldiers are quite capable of hiring themselves to the Czan Our gallant handful still holds its place upon the hill, to injure their country by means of arson, and no doubt the Czar is And will hold it, come what may, to the last— more than capable of employing them. ‘Who can think there is any Three long long hours have past, since the awful strife begun, . villany at which that miscreant would stick to gainhis ends? Ofcourse ., Wheu lo! upon our right, in good time, with nimble run, aE there must be some reason why “so many attempts have recently been Come the brisk and bronzed Zouaves, whom fighting serves for fun,— 4 1; made to burn down warehouses at Manchester.” The most probable Catching up the British cheer in chorus efouse and clear, is Russian agency. A cross—holy symbol !—and the order of Sr. To the heart of the battle they have past ! i} Viapimure, with a large sum of roubles to boot—would, of course, be Now when that dashing charge has made bloody space and large : } 0 peer the meed of any traitor who should contrive to burn down a British : Sng Dockyard. That such a reward has actually been offered for such a one mes iT ae ee on there is every ground to suppose, that can be afforded by the Down the slope they have vainly tried to climb! erbariem and + of the vieable At say rate, the supposition is poy they dash, Line and Guards, their failing strength new-strung. likely enough to render it advisable to keep sharp look-out on the And on the Russian bayonets their sore-thinned ranks have flung : f strength thereof. Beware of Jacx-tue-Painterorr. Look out for Athirst for blood, as fondle dense their q equune: ’ Guy-Fawxeski. Withal, be onthe watch to prevent the Emperor * With revenge in every heat + = awed —- Bite Beaten Cut off in the promise. of their prime. 2 i t ' Nicnonas from insidiously attacking your arsenals and your stores f | with Greek Fire. ee So after — hours siiving, the one ap athe, fe sent him bootless to his ‘ore the sun went down. Aberdeen at Odessa. Sixty-thousand strong at morning, the evening saw returning We learn from Odessa that a statue of Lonp Aserpren, a statue _A baffled forty thousand to the shelter of the town. that will, ut least, last out the winter, for the statue is to be cast of Yet of that sixty thousand—unshaken—like a rock— the very best Kussian tallow—a tallow statue of the Premier is about Shoulder to shoulder—man to man—in adamantine lock, to be erected in the most prominent and public place of Odessa: the A bare eight thousand bayonets of Britain stood the shock ! pedestal of Russian oak will bear this inscription, written in Rassian And their country woens the slain, but the burden of our pain pitch—“ To the Saviour of Odessa.” Is as nothing to the blaze of their renown ! Lie neon. oo. n,n a a ee eee ee? 90 Qe

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVA MR. BRIGHT’S LEG IN RUSSIA. nirests show the arm-bone | of CaaR-eMaGne at Aix-| la-Chapelle; the bone en- closed in @ model arm of gold. In like manner, and to all future Muscovites, will show Jonw artler at St. Peters- When GERMAN TINDER, Brig burg. Ma. Baicut was burned at ester, | the police, we are tol ; “secured one of his legs.” This leg, we learn m exclusive and authentic | information, has been -| | chased by certain | chester Greeks—Greeks of Cottonopolis—and will be | forwarded, as a relic of the martyr in Russia’s cause, | to the Exrzror Nicwoxas. | The Bareur leg will be i and be carried under a magnificent canopy | around the boundaries of the city. It is hardly to be wondered at that one of Mr. Barent’s legs should find itself in Russia, seeing his heart has been there | long ago. However, there can be no doubt that he has put his foot in it Acs time. , THE CANT OF CRITICISM, “CUCUMBERS AGREES WITH US!” “ PickLeD cucumbers agrees with us,” sai ns. Garex, a jewess.| Tae Atheneum has \ately become affected with the “serious” cant of | brs oe ae during the | the day, and the “good young man” whodoes the dramatic criticisms | Anna LE a mother in Israel | takes the opportunity, while noticing a deservedly unsuccessful drama the iciting James in at the Haymarket, to give a few dismal groams over the fact that the | “Pickles agrees with us!” | comic muse has chosen a variety of for ridicule. The declaration of the Hebrew | dramatic in question sustains the “serious” character of like » present Spreads, until the all s Burns, and glows red-hot throughout it. Would another German thing Were as quick of inflammation ! Then a spark might England fling, And ignite the German Thus a —~ fire ys Courage Tyranny to hinder, Could but that—the German heart— Catch and burn like German Tinder. duly consecrated by the Greek | At first there seems little im this mind as bearing on the Hebrew stomach ; but a philosopher, | Mr. Punch, sees in the words the whole wilderness before him, | the wandering Israelites yearning for their cucurbitaceous provender. “ Cucumbers agrees with us,” says Mas. Green, thousands of years | after the Wandering; attesting by that simple ion at once the | | antiquity and unchangeableness of Hebrew bowels. “ We remember | the fish which we eat freely in Egypt, the cucumbers, and the abattachim,” \ament the weary ones of the Desert. They longed for the flesh-pots, the fish-pots, and the cucumbers. As it was in Egypt, | so is it now in the Mimories! by an exhibition of that customary mixture of melan- — and | Choly and malice which so often renders the modern “ saint” as great | a nuisance to himself as he would wish to be to others. If the Atheneum really objects to a joke, or at all events.to laughter, | it should avoid the solemn abourditicn in which it is apt to indulge, for | if it really hates ridicule, it should abstain from making itself ridieu- lous. In conclusion, we have only to say that though not affected by | the saturnine horror of the Athenaeum to everything in the shape of | gaiety, and though we think that even history may be fairly employed | as a means of satirising vice, folly, and crime, we do object to the | _ We believe that Ma. Disrazii attributes much of the success of | his eloquence to the fact that he is a great devourer of cucumbers. His Caucasian stomach is true to its traditions. “Cucumbers 8 | | with him!” Physiologists who delight to discover the source of out- | ward actions in nutriment taken into the mward stomach would, | we doubt not, prove that Mr. Disragii when he spoke his boldest, | spoke biggest cucumbers. What, too, are those sharp aud acid points ° | Are they not words of exquisite keenness? By no means: they are no other —— pickled in the very finest vinegar. “ Cucumbers with him!” With what a beautiful antiquity is the eacumber of Israel invested. Thousands of years still lie upon it, freshly as morning bloom! Its blossoms are yellow with i gold—the pure gold of Egypt. How | do the prophets delight to speak of it! “The daughter of Zion,” says “amy “is left like a cottage in a vineyard, like a lodge in a garden of cucumbers!” And agam—“ As a scarecrow in a garden of cucumbers keepeth nothing, so are their gods of woed.” And even in our time, does the gentile mind acknowledge and do compliment to the Judaic love of cucumbers : hence, in the Gardener’s Chromicle, a short while since, we read the advertised virtues—virtues of great precocity and great and enduring abandance—of “the Young Jewess,” a cu- cumber of excelling price. Reader, when you behoid—say a Jew el hing @ cucumber, do inward reverence to that cucur- bitaeeous Hebrew ; for you behold im him a living antiquity; an unit of the yearning multitudes who, Moses-led into the wilderness, | clamoured for the fish they did freely eat in Egypt, together with | “ the cucumbers.” And tens and tens of centuries have passed, and | a> Israel py Bm in the Court of Bxcher uer me uring the passover “ our eats enormous quantities of pic cucumbers.” The Puaraouns are shadows; thinnest, and dimmest of | | shades ; but the Jew survives to ery old clothes, and still “cucumbers | agrees with him!” | _ Too Osviows.—Why is the next portion of Macavtar’s History of | England \ike the Premier ?— everybody wishes It was out. elumsy allusion to the possibility of our having “ Comic Prayer Books,” | a contingency which the 4¢heneum profanely and stupidly alleges to be the subject of “fair speculation.” RAILWAY CHEAP LITERATURE. “ Srr,—Brrye anxious to emulate the noble example set by Mesens. Wixpowzenee & Co., I shall be happy, also, to contribute to the amount of ‘ Railway Cheap Literature’ that is being sent out b Government for the relief of the wounded soldiers in the East. A ingly, I beg te forward yon 100 yards of ‘new and popular ’ of those very songs that formed part of the valuable stock of the late | lamented Mn. Carnacn, whose mantle, at his decease, I purchased. In addition to the above, which comprise something like 1000 songs, | also beg to offer 100 of the very best marbles that can be picked out of the rich museum I have established in my justly-celebrated ‘Marble | Halls ;’ and I only hope, Sir, that these same marbles may have the effect of making the hated Russian quickly knuckle down. “ [ will not say anything more, for fear you should think I wish to puff my far-fam establishment, which is well known along every line, and in every domestic circle and § of the metropolis, and the united, or at present disunited, world. “T remain, Sir, Yours, modestly and patriotically, “ Got tmus Prt, “ (Toy and Marble Warchouse, Seven Diadls.)” “On nibus Rebus.” War does an Omnibus conductor always try a silver fourpenny-piece with his teeth ?—To prove that it’s a “ fourpenny Bit.” A New Trrie.—The last new title for Mn. Baiour and the Man- chester party is—“ The Cotton- Miller and his Men.”

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a. i - eg ee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL : \\ HLT , | +i hi! ih Hs ma) Wi) Wy W int i) Ail 1 Pg se rath = *(d Gentleman (who is rather deaf and very sleepy). “OUR EXISTING DRAMATISTS.” | Ovr energetic contemporary, the Daily News, has made a most timely | discovery ; he has found out a batch of English dramatists, Last week, | reviewing the Game of Speculation at the Lyceum, a Game in which Cuarites Matnuews is the finest. of trump cards; the quintessence of | assurance ; extracting even an elixir from the base quality of impudence, | —the News says of the piece very profoundly, “it is a comedy in the | true sense of the word, and entitles its auéhor, Mr. Lawrence, to be | regarded as one of the ablest of our existing dramatists.” There is a coldness of impadence, quite Cossack in its temperature, with which we rob the French of their goods, and then boast of them as of our own | manufacture. Mr. Lawrence “nims” Mercadet, the original French | eambric,- from the ket of M. Bazac, picks ‘out the owner’s name, | and then, with Rnglish ink that ought to blush scarlet in the employ- | ment, writes his. own peculating name in the corner—“ S.iinessy | Lawrence!” He becomes an “ existing” dramatist! When Ikey | Sotomons twitches the French watch from the foreigner’s pocket, straightway Ixy Sovomons is, by the act, “one of the ablest of our | existing watchmakers !” This crowing and clucking remind us of Mrs. Graunpy’s fowls; fowls that continually disturbed her neighbours with their notes of self-exultation. “ What wonderful layers are Mus. Gaunpy’s fowls !” was the common cry. “ By the noise they make, some of ’em must lay twice or thrice a day. Most uncommon fowls!” Now, it happened that they never laid a single egg. Nevertheless, Mrs. Gruypy took an especial. pride in the fowls; and smiled’ benignly when the neigh- bours spoke of Mas. Grunpy’s poultry as such wondrous layers ! Mrs. Gaunpy was a great consumer of eggs. Eggs for breakfast ; } eggs in custards, eggs in pancakes, in almost everything edible, eggs. | Well, every day—on some days twice or thrice—Mo.ty the maid weap sent for eggs ; gs Mus. Gauxpy thought and paid for, fresh, new-laid eggs. | Mo.ty returns from hererrand. She lifts the yard-gate latch with | | the key, and enters the. premises, a her arm, and in that | od. Uh) z = y 11h: MA gs ty Pitt u ' i! i if Cy | I } ri : { ' = t t SCENE.—A BEDROOM IN SEBASTOPOL. Somesopy Kyocxinc at THE Doorn—COME IN)!” to clack—eluck—cluck—and the cocks to crow—as if the eggs were their own offspring in the germ—cluck !—cluck !—cluck !—cock-a- doodle-doo '!—cock-a-doodle-doo!—and all, with the loudest voice of assurance, as though the eggs were newly dropt and home-laid. And what was the fact? The eggs were invariably French exgs. Eggs, shipped at Calais, and sold to English ‘shopkeepers. Neverthe- | ess, not one of these eggs was ever t mto Mrs. Gaunpy’s premises that Mrs. Grunpy’s fowls did not vaunt their produttion. * Cluck !—cluck !— cluek !’—“* Cock-a-doodle-doo !— cock-a-doodie- '” 00! Mrs. Grunpy’s fowls were thereupon regarded by the neighbour- hood as among the most prolific of “ our existmg layers!” NO MORE TIME-TABLES. It has long heen agreed on all hands that nobody can understand a Railyay Time-Table. The Railway Companies, acting on this conchu- sion, have apparently come to the sensible defermination that inasmuch as the public cannot obtain any information from a Time-Table, it would be useless to give the public an opportunity of procuring one. The Great Western seems to proceed on this pee; and accord- ingly, though there are several branch offices of the Company in various rts of London, where it is advertised that “Time-Tab may be ere,” an inquiry for one is pretty sure to he answered by the excia- mation “ None Left. Sold.” The last word being im perhaps to describe the condition of the applicant. In the absence of an official guide, it is sometimes customary to rely on a non-authorised publi- cation, a process which leads you, or rather misleads you to the Terminus some ten minutes after the starting of one train, and some two hours before the departure of another, an interval which gives you leisure for inspecting the extensive premises of the Company. Tux. Ewrenon’s Prare.—It was always. thought to be the best basket on basket half-a-dozen eggs. Immediately, all Mus. Gaunpy’s fowls begin | Silver, but it is nothing better than Orp Nicket. Printed by Wi'tiam Brad . of No. 12, Upper Webern Place, in the Parish St. Poneres, and Mallett Evans, of No. 27, Victoria Street, in the Parish of St. Margaret and St. Westminster, both She Comme of Edie Rann te ee es treet ee area aa Natireks te thomson Sho. 05, Plots Sisat tn tae Poth of Ou Buide, | 4p the Oity of Londou.—Satuavar, December 9, 1864, ' ees ees es = =

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 239 lo | that England is receivi | should expedite antiquated imbecility.” Stranger. “My Frienp! I wisn to co 1o Exeter Hatt.” Operative, “ WELL, WHY THE DEUCE DON’T YoU Go THEN?” THE SPEECH FROM THE THRONE. (As originally sketched by Lond AB-RD-N, but summarily and ignominiously rejected by his Lordship’s Colleagues.) My Lorps ayp GenTLEMEN, It had not been intended that Parliament should re-assemble | before Christmas, but the prescient sagacit y and prompt energy of the noble lord who is good enough to be the head of my Government, at | once foresaw a necessity, and provided a remedy. Resources are | wanting, and (as is sportively observed by the principal comedian in the festive entertainments of the approaching holidays)—here we | are. War with my ancient Christian ally, Russia, is still proceeding, and it is to be regretted that the temper of the nation is such that though the noble lord at the head of my Government is most desirous to make peace at any price, the country will not listen to such counsel. Under such circumstances there is no alternative but the reluctant prosecu- tion of hostilities. You will have learned by the papers and (at very considerably later periods) by the Government despatches, that since,your dissolution in | August, three victories, those of Alma, of Balaklava, and of Inkermann, have shed a baleful lustre upon British arms. ‘The noble lord at the | head of my Government will, in his place here, explain to you that these | victories are entire mistakes, and that had a policy, martial enough to | save ces, but devoid of aggravation to the Emreror or Russta, bebe olieeted be the leaders of the allies, peace, which is the object of | | war, would have been more facile of attainment. But at the same time | as the victories have been won, they must be aceepted and registered | | as errors. The conduct of the Empzror or Avusrara and of the Kine or Prussia is, in the opinion of the noble lord at the head of my Govern-| ment, most admirable. It is matter of congratulation that | have been | ed to euter into an alliance with the former power, by which | Austria is, in the most solemn and categoric manner, bound to act with the strictest regard to contingencies, modified by circumstances, de-| pendent upon ities, and interpreted by eventualities. Thus | assured of the hearty co-operation of Austria, we regard with respect and pleasure the impartial attitude assumed by Prussia, who negatives all incentives to demonstration until the ultimate fortune of | the complicated shall be evident to the weakest intellect—I | allude, of course, to that of the Sovereign of Prussia. VOL. .XXVIL B NITED States that he 3 ere trouble with reference to Cuba, and r he trusts to be enabled to make a similar communication in regard to Canada. The noble lord at the head of my Government hopes that no _ or hostile feeling will be permitted to mar either pacific a y.. ) lide te dee RENCH it is impossible to deny From my ally the ——— oF yk = the most jal co-operation in carrying on the war, and the noble lord at the head of seaweed y who has never ceased to entertain unfriendly feeli towards his [mperial Majesty, can only see in this proof of his readiness to join in an unjust quarrel an evidence of the noble lord’s original wisdom in impeding, as far as possible, the alliance of the nations. Gentlemen oF THE House or Commons, It is not the fault of the noble lord at the head of my Govern- ment that we are engaged in this most expensive and objectionable contest, but as such is the case, the nation must pay for it. A great deal of money is wanting, and the noble lord suggests to you that by imposing the most disagreeable taxation you do your best to disgust the nation with the war. to be able to relieve me of any My Lorps anp GENTLEMEN, You will not have to diseuss a single measure of importance, and the noble lord at the head of my Government wishes to impress upon you that another of the evils of this war is that the whole time of the Ministers is taken up in reading the news rs, and thereforejthat no attention can be given to the preparation of bil ls. As soon as the measures regarding the militia, for the passing of I receive the most flattering assurances from the PazstpENT oF THE | which you have been specially summoned, shall be enacted, which the | noble lord at the head of my Government thinks had better be done without discussion, you can all return to your country residences, where it is to be wished that you may enjoy a merry Christmas, ren- dered still more joyous by the assurance, which the noble lord at the head of my Government requests me to give you, namely, that he has not the most distant idea of resigning office, “ unless pedal propulsion Last words supposed to have been surreptitiously appended by V tscounT WANTED A PRISONER,’ We wish people would say distinctly what they want when they advertise in the newspapers. We often see an intimation that some- body wants a clerk, when he is apparently looking out for a thief, for as we have already pointed out, honesty and starvation are not always compatible. In the following imstance we think the advertiser must be on the look-out for a prisoner. The extract is from the Ezeter | Flying Post of a recent date— CLERK WANTED. ANTED in an Office in the Country, a respectable Young Man as Clerk. He must be a good Accountant, and one who can bear mach confinement Salary £15 per annum, with Board and Lodging. The most ————. character will be required.—Apply by letter, prepaid, stating age, to A. B., Post Office, Newwn Abbot. The young man who is to “bear much confinement ” on £15 a year had better enlist im the Russian service, get taken by the English, anc he would be considerably better off as a Russian prisoner than as a captive clerk in an English office. Instead of getting up subscriptions 1 to add to the comforts of the subjects of the Czar who have fallen into | our hands in the course of the war, it would be far more worthy of British benevolence to get up a subscription for the poor ill-paid clerks who are bearing “ much confinement ” on very little salaries. A Saint Militant. Berore every sortie of the Russians the im is carried round the batteries. of Russian orders of eee to put the “Canonization” of t question, It is proposed that henceforth carry on their, shoulders bombrshel ilgrims to the saint’s shrine, shall fs, instead of scallop-ditto, and in their hands, instead of the usual pilgrim’s staff, a gun-rammer, SPECULATIVE FREQCHMEN. ; Sows desperate Parisian gamblers, as a last resource, are actually going to put “La Morale en Actions,” for the of dis) of them A, # Bourse, only we are rather afraid that they will find La Morale to be at a terrible discount in that Tre Toast or tue “ Acamemwon.”—“ A Lyon’s share of all the fighting.” ing | » of Sr. Nicnoras | As there is some doubt of the validity | it is probable that this act is intended | he Czak’s sainted namesake beyond all | | | | | | |

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t in es --——-- 240 ne eepaenes men | THE PARVENU AND THE BOTTLE-HOLDER. “ The greatest interest is excited,” says a Paris Correspondent, “ about a converss- solute ple play, of being deceived, of — ( indignantly) our best hearts | [state until they are covered by the adversary’s spades— Parvenu (gravely). Enough—enough—France, too, has her account | «| to settle with that accursed Crimea. thoe whieh has taken pl &-Cload, the Rurenos sad Loan P RETON. . On mading this, Mr. Ireosh iepemadiasaly wrote to beth, for thelr notes of tus coaversa-| Bottle-holder (recovering himself), Then, your Majesty, - is b i> poets tion in question, and as he thinks that its publication may be-servigeable, he prints | to demand a change of partners. Bae: df foriand ajesty it without the slightest hesitasion, or the formality of ‘Sains leave of aithes of his | | pardon my being for a moment in earnest—if finde that out of eheve-qeationed Stands. ‘all Europe, France alone is her friend, rl wom ee het metry al not play again the old fgolish wretebed. | where it could not obteis ese ve epee ign ber powers shal] be my—shall he |. Parvenu, You cannot —. t ae instance, can never really be the fend No - | Bottle-holder. Ne, your but thank Heaven, | can—I could, | I should say (under the 6 A 3 you were pleased to suppose) ‘make Austria our bitter and avowed enemy. | Paroenu. Why, while aes ruler is Francis Josern— | Bottle-halder. May I— for the qpemmatin —enyyte the name te be p24 vial abe cls. whieh wn could be got rid of at slight expense hg aay w d the additional a: scuaings ana lly bp: of the House of Hapspure, the ahi jai. the triamph of one Grpserrs, pe mt of a perma- nent barrier against Cossack —" te! trifles, but fortunately, to be’obtained at trifling cost, if one happened to want them. Parvenu. Continentals certainly give England epedit for looking to — results without a shudder. Possibly, the nezwes of France may less firm. Bottle-holder. What if she should invigorate them by a plunge into the Lower Rhine. We Promise ag to steal her one pe ~ is 8 ~_ i a bathing, as a icular friend of your Majesty’s mine observe coma Sr Disaw of 5. Cet, | Parcens, Wir hb that understanding, I could afford to let the people Parcenu, In that case, my dear Lorp PALMERSTON, it is clear that | of Franee see the people of Austsia allowed to imitate my subj jects | -—~by the way, what a pity you don’t smoke. (Ligh/s te.) , (gravely) and choose their own ruler. ottle-holder. 1 bave been told so, your Majesty. They say that a Bottleholder (gravely). Without venturing to pronounce an opinion | eigar in one’s mouth gives one so much time to answer a question. upon your ty’s economy or means, I ean assure you that the next I have usually ao answer ready. propos of nothing, CLAkENDON Ministry of which 1 may have the honoar of forming part, will have no | smokes sentimental traditions in reference to Germany. Parvenu. Right—he is nothing. Else the Foreign’ Secretary of| Parvenu. Then I may say, a8 I sdid just now—in that case, my dear | England might, one would say, have been the Envoy naturally selected | Lorn PaLmeErstox, it is clear that— for a foreign mission. [| am the gaine - of course, cela va sans dire, but | But a message from the Eupress (fo the effect that thé était prét, what shall we say of a certain Ministry ? here summoned the gentlemen from their wine. Bottle-holder (demurely), Whatever your Majesty may please to say | of at piniotey it will be ie me | to beten to he g aon ag a Leela . re t yo t | a » 2 a Dubt whether it will poser io punto spe more sy y asregueds| A FAIR WAY OF RAISING THE WIND. that estimable body than people speak in Englan Parvenu. Ah! Let us omit censure. How i more pleasant to | speak in eulogy of the chivalry of an able and popular statesman, who consents to share the obloquy cast upon his colleagues, and who | _ HE following state- ment has appeared in the Connaught descends to an inferior station that he may the more effectually serve | Watehinan :— | them at need. “A priest in a Bottle-holder, | have reason to believe, your Majesty, that PA neighouring perish motives are even more emphatically recognised b my colleagues than as fallen on @ sin- gular, and, as it would seem, successful, de- viee for replenishing his pocket at the ex- | pense of Han Ma- are my services. [ They exchange glances. Parcens. That is well, for then, no matter what may occur, there can be no charge of treachery or insincerity, This is @ malicious world, and cruelly apt to place wrong constructions upon actions. Let us project our minds into the future, aud suppose that something jas occurred upon which (but for the understanding you describe) our friend AperpeeN might look unfayourably. Bottle-holder. Does your Majesty mean a glorious trigmph of the | Allied Arms ? Parvenu. To re-arrangements at home, calculated to conduce to many such triumphs. Bottle-holder. will not affect to misunderstand your Majesty. I am | to suppose that I have the honour of being here in a different capacity, say t of Foreign + Ms of his flock have very extensively entered into the matrimonial state. As each | Parvens. You are too modest, my dear Lonp Patmerstoys. In marriage seoures a handsome fee to his reverence, his advice was not very very early life you recolJect that it was feared that characteristic might disinterested.” injore your rise—how delightful to see the freshness of youth still Phe dodge by which this particularly jolly priest’ has turned an honest hering to you. Possibly, if I mentioned you as Premier, you might | penny is not likely to injare Her Mavsesry’s Service to any alarmin almost get up @ blush. extent : and it is only to be wished that gentlemen of his cloth woul Bottle-holder. We have arranged with mre pour Majesty, | generally preach in a similar spirit about matrimony, He has quite a who has a great deal of blushing for himaelf to do, that he shall under- right to puff his own business, Let nobody envy his Reverence his take that duty for us all. I venture to think that I can bear the harmless gains. Connaught coniains some wild lads whom his sermons dazzling vision your Majesty has been pleased to raise. will have rendered steady. Those discourses will probably not be Parvenu, “A Scotch mist clears away, and discovers an English found to prevent the Connaught Militia from obtaining its complement Minister at the head of English affairs,” After that stage direction, of recruits: although they may thin the ranks of a certain brigade of the alter that no married men will be taken into the militia, while all bachelors | i z g i 5 : fr AR gq my Lord, what follows ? Connaught Rangers. Moreover, in time of need the married men will Bottle-holder (with animation), hate j England—sbe has followed long | doubtless for their wives and children, and so (in Connaught enough. It is time she sogan fo | | certainly) will all the bachelors. Parvenu (imperturbably ao. excite yourself. What do you| aie mean by lead? Do you take the word from the card-table? Because, if 80, you must know that no one ean lead out of his turn. Faer sup Mp. Gousn.—-Gunsnas Ratggutteh Gp Sonate Gow, Boltle-holder, 1 admit 1 it, your Majesty, but when we are sick of irre-| but Genera. Bosxiness brought the Russians to grief.

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THE FIRST RAILWAY IN AUSTRALIA. “ rather a ' Bay Line; and from the 1 aceomt of the proceedings we

: be something quite out of the line of the Australians, if we may judge = deseription contained in the img paragraph, extracted from the Sydney Empire, of the 18th of September :— | over-laden steam horse were quite alarming. , inauguration of therr first real No Securities like Government Secur — “Sire Cuartes and Lapy Hormam and a considerable numbet of the distingnidhed officials baving taken their places in the trafm, which only consisted of four earri the signal was given to proceed. The steam was turned on, but the fron horse w not budge an inch. Great was the diemay depicted on the face of the engineer and engine-driver. The valve was to its widest extent, and the pantings of the The band of the 40th struek up a — tune fo hide the cotifusion, but still the trafn would not move. Accordingly a host of railway and set to work and pushed itslong the line by main force for a yards, when it egeinm came to a dead stop. More polite then Gime on, and a stout gentleman in @ dress coat, ready for the banquet, came bebind and applied his shoulder vigorously to the boffer of the last carriage, and at last, by slow degrees, the train moved, amid shouts of laug from the bled th ds in Flinders Street.” This is not exactly the way to go a-head in an infant Colony, and though the poliee may be considered to embody the great prmeiple implied in the words “ move on!” we do not think “ the force” should be used in applying that principle to an obstinate railway train. Even the police, however, could not ake the Hobson’s Bay locomotive “ move on!” and it was only when “ astout gentleman in a dress coat ” ar his shoulder to the “buffer”—and it became a question of “ buffer against buffer,” that the train moved in earnest, and the old buffer triumphed over the new one. As it is probable that the stout party in the dress coat will not be always at hand to put his shoulder to the wheel of a refractory railway carriage, it is to hoped

very encouraging, for a more recent extract informs us that :— “ As the six o'clock train was leaving a slight derangement occurred which prevented its progress, so that the passengers had to alight and walk up to town. The stoppage was unders‘ood to artse from some of the fire bars having fallen out, so that the eould not be sustained.” _ What with an engine that won’t strike out, and a fire that won’t b in, we fear that the railway system must be considered in a state , or even babyhood in ao ene

MANCHESTER PEACE-GOODS. (Disrespectf{ully dedicated to Mx. Baiaut.) Never mind about the kicks, so as you get the halfpence. Britons, strike home—but mind, Cotton-mill Better to lick the dust than lick the enemy. Pas There is but one , and the whole world is its An Englishman’s Home is his Castle, but then it should not for Soting Sas for feasting, like the Castle at Richmond, where there are no charges but hotel charges, and the only dead men are ome? bottles. best Bail for keepimg the Peace is your Bale of Manchester Every gan fired makes a hole im our profits. The mill to grind Old England young again is, it must be confessed, a Cotton Mill. Sooner than Manchester lose its Peace, sacrifice the whole of pillars of Great Britain are the Chimneys of Cottonopelis. ofit. that the Aus- | of tralians will get up their steam a little better than they did on the not prevent its stiffening. Ma. Postcate also says that the acid of " . Later advices are, however, not acidulated drops is the sulphuric: whilst tartaric acid is, in the strike musn’t come near a| battle begins must be as much |

ities | THE POISONERS OF THE PRESENT CENTURY. N Australian paper. Tue Morning Post reports an assemblage of medical and scientific gives an account’ gentlemen, which took place last week at Birmingham, to discuss a of the start—and question of much importance to the interior. oft The stomach is supposed to be principally a receptacle for two classes of substances ; food and physic. Together with these, however, in point of fact, it admits a considerable quantity of rubbish, commingled with them by certain rascals. The consideration of what measures the Legislature should adopt to put an end to this villany constituted the business of the meeting, in the course of which a gentleman named Postoate made some statements which are caleulated to make us open our eyes and shat our mouths. We turn ap our noses” at the poor creatures who subsist upon potatoes: we had better turn them again. We flatter our- selves that we eat bread ; but bread, to Mn. Postsarr, in many cases, consists of the despised root in the ratio of a ern to a peck of meal. To « proportionate extent the stomach system of the consumer are cheated out of which potate-flowr does not contain. But whilst the bread is ts pa ew Ge together with a of water ting to 50 per cent. To ca: such a mixture the of life is For staff, read stuff, and omit life—er substitute the reverse. stuff cannot be capable of supporting life; and thus, as a jocular chemist may have remarked, though deficient im nitrogen it abounds in azote, [t may be necessary to explain to @hildren in arms that azote means that which does not cet ES oat Gas SS on So substance now called nitrogen, which was applied thereto when chemistry was, like themselves, in i(s infancy. By the same authority we are given to understand that we are ap! to be much mistaken when we think we are helping to matter, which may be defined as esare of sky.blue Gaguiced with drab. furt ars <= of Paradise, if they are not to be taken um grano séhs, are y not to be ht without a great many grains of linseed. This fact concerns all who delight in beer, and do | not brew their own. Grains of Paradise are brewers’ grains—albeit, unfit for pigs. The brewer who cheats his customers therewith has himself been cheated by his druggist; and those who place their paradise in beer, and drink his, get but a very slight taste of their fool's paradise Ho is stated to be mai ed raw sugar and pipeclay by the dishonest imitators of the industrious bee. Pe mint lozenges, instead of wir Sora for their base, have a much r substance, namely, er of Paris, so that when swallowed they become changed from confections imto concretions, The plaster Paris is qualified with a little ‘starch—bet that, at any rate, would pro- | portion of 30 per cent, no acid at all, bat merely an astringent, viz., | alum : asort of tartaric acid that must have been invented in Tartarus. It does not appear that the meeting succeeded in devising any adequate punishment for the adulteration of diet and medicine. The | best would be to make an offender subsist on adulterated diet till he was ill, and then te physic him with adulterated medicine. The Russian Bear and his Cubs. It.is understood that the Emrenon or Resera has bestowed the order of something or other apon his two sons for “ the bravery they displayed both before and after the battle of Iukermann.” We cannot compliment the “licked cubs” of the Czan on a display of courage at once premature and tardy, for the valour that intru itself before a t of place as the heroism that is exhibited after a battle is over. We suspect that there is a good deal of Russian of the same inopportune kind, and we confess we have greater admiration for the courage of the allies, which makes itse|! a Castle,| manifest at the exact time when it is wanted. SUPERNATURAL SCIENCE. By the account of Joner Bowanps they still seem to be commoni- with the spirit world m America. Can the Judge inform us whether spirit-writing ean be accomplished with » Medium Pencil ? A Fact ror tae Epvcation Commustonens.~A pupil at o school was asked the other day to name some of the tribes ex- from Canaan by the Israciites. The boy auswered “ bivites, ebusites, and Puseyites !”

, —— supposed to be derived from the bloom of plants, | e in great part out of bakers’ flour, to which are |

ee ee eee

| rg

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. <— WHAT OUR NAVVIES ARE LIKELY TO DO. —_ -

POUR ENCOURAGER LES AUTRES. | A Certarx Logp, lately commanding a Cavalry regiment, bas resigned his Command and retired from the service at the most | critical period of the Campaign. The act has excited mash remark the Army, not for the soldier, stands the fountain of honour ? With coldness—with marked disfavour—or with that chill and cutting civility, which is bitterer than reproof ? hat officer has more than once had the honour of being the guest of the Quezn. Heaven forbid that at this moment Mr. | Pounxcu should approach Her Masesty with | aught but the language of affectionate loyalty. But the next time he dines at Windsor, he | | will certainly take the liberty of hinting to Her Masesty, in the most delicate way, |that this is not exactly the thing to encou- | rage the self-devotion which, at this moment, is offering up the best blood of Britain on the | heights before Sebastopol. i Hint to the Commissariat. | “Mr Puncu,—As an article of food which | would be popular in the Crimea, especially in | the fest taginenta, is there no way of | preserving or potting sheep’s head ? If sheep’s were sent out to the army, there can be no doubt that the officers and men would find the pluck, * Permit me to subscribe myself, “Brive Arron.” “ Newgate Market, Dee. 1854.”

“OFFENSIVE AND DEFENSIVE.” | Gay Gorpons, fling up every bonnet ! Drawn—discussed—settled—ratified, fast— | With the broad seal of England upon it, Here’s the Treaty with Austria at last! *Twill foil Russian projects so sinister ; Twill finish the war—clear and clean ; And better than all, as Prime Minister Twill secure us “Ce cher ABERDEEN.” In short all the Tadpoles and Tapers Declare ’tis a masterly coup : Here’s none of your one-sided papers ; "Tis off-ensive and de-fensive too, “ Offensive?” the country will say, “ The description is perfectly true :” For, as Hamiet remarks in the play, “ There’s offence in’t, and much offence too.” Offensive it is—beyond doubt : For grievously all it offends, Who would see Right and Wrong fight it out, And not shaking hands, like good friends. Offensive to ail who remember W hat Austria ever has been, | Not in lies acted, uttered, or written, Russ, or Pruss, Austrian, or Greek. Our defences are those that environ Free hearts that to free hands appeal— Our navies’ hard oak and hot iron Our armies’ cool heads and cold steel. Still your treaty we own, #s “defensive ” Of Austria’s ill-gotten gains, : Which the Harssune has found it expensive To defend at his own cost and pains. | Defensive of rights of possessi (Sole rights that e’er por BF known) : Sits tevenny, potters, fen | Defensive of lawless aggression, : a hat shakes on a tottering throne. Priest-craft, state-craft, and crushing coercion Of minds, bodies, hearts, heads, and eyes. | Defensive of frontiers Gallician, Of Hungary’s corn-bearing plain ; | Defensive of winnings Venetian, __ And Lombardy’s vine-clad champaign. | To command of the Danube we’ll hoist her, Give her aid if a subject rebels : So Austria swallows the oyster, And gives France and the shells ! Still trampling out Freedom’s least ember Wherever its glimmer is seen, To all who, for Italy feeling, woe loose Austria’s gripe from her throat ; Who would listen to Hung’ry’s appealing, And lend her « hand ’gainst the Croat, Have learnt to believe that | Must still be at odds with the morning, As darkness is hostile to light, | To all who, by history’s ey ". the night To all who in gen’rous aversion, ‘Yes. “Offensive,” whate’er its conditions, Any treaty with Austria must be. But this has “ defensive provisions.” “ Defensive” of what? Let us see. Defensive of France or of Britain ? Thank God, our defences we seek,

A Bright Future. Accorpine to the doctrines of Mr. Brigut the Quaker, and the Peace Society, all war is wrong, and therefore war against an arm

The Coming Man. We have received news of this most important and invisible indi- ed Vidual. He was already on his way—he was coming as fast as he gang of brigands is wrong. If, then, those doctrines were put into could come—he had actually got a peep of the present Age, but was so practice, the country might be ravaged by troo theré would be no means of putting the shhen bee, So the conse- | #8412. quence of carrying out Peace ie es would be that the Peace would be broken with impunity: an there would preserve the Peace, in order to restore it, ceme from abroad. of banditti, and | disgusted with the little he did see, that he immediately went back

be nobody at home to| Tue Rvusstans Artoat.—On the part of the Russians, the battle of y very soon | Inkermann may be said to have partaken of the character of a naval | engagement in so far as the combatants were half-seas over.

L$egt ‘ol waakaoacy

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ASN. ~ sy \ ) i “* Ne ® — i \| i } } at. has tH " ay a Yel y/ Zhe = - WL \\ ! ! "YA, a y OYSTRIA AND THE SHELLS. | [Punen, No. 70], December 16, 1854.)

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= — 5 : on ee eS = = — Sa : Eien See ~

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

| which is ful | shall really feel dis | who conscientiously try to “

AND THE BUMBLES. HE parochial pa- triots are comin out again in ful force, or rather in full feebleness. The vestry of St. Pancras echoes once more with the declamations of dissentients and the Boar Room of Maryle- bone vibrates with the eloquence of the parochial mal- contents, When- ever there is a “crisis” the Me- tropolitan vestries begin to indulge in those irrele- vancies which lead them to neglect their own proper business, and set them off ona Quixotic inquiry into the merits of Ministers, instead of adhering to their proper province of controlling ish expenditure. The ial patriot gets so inflated with the idea of his own importance that he feels himself a statesman instead of a vestryman, and he asks indignant what is going on “out of doors,” a pompous question we should like to answer literally, by saying, that “t y are just going round with the afternoon’s erying ‘m 1 The War is, of course, a fine field for the senators of the Vestry Room, and poor Lokp ABERDEEN is being spattered with the patriotic mud of parochial invective, at least once a week in at least two of the London parishes. We are continually nauseated by reports of speeches in which we are told of the “ attitude Marylebone must assume,” and “the position St. Pancras must take up,” in “the present state of things in the Crimea.” We recommend the vestrymen, most of whom are respectable tradesmen, to be satisfied with assuming a graceful “ atti- tude” while waiting on their customers, and taking up a becoming “ position ” behind their respective counters. __ : tt is very kind of the parochial patriots to think of “serving their THE WAR ' eountry ;” but if they will, for the present, content themselves with serving those who favour them with orders, their country will be equally obliged to them. We are sometimes afraid from their language, fof allusions to “honourable members ” and “this side of the house ” that the Vestrymen have all gone mad, and imagine them- selves the House of Commons, nor should we be surprised at their treating one of their own resolutions as an Act of Parliament, and ing of it, as chapter so-and-so, of the 4 and 5 of Niconay, or the 6 and7 of D’Lrranezr. If these sort of fooleries continue we to - somebody to aet the part of a parochial Cromwe.t, aud dissolve the parochial parliament at om fell swoop, by ordering the Beadle, who we believe is always in attendance, with hus cocked-hat and brass-headed staff, to “take away that bauble,” A BACK-HANDER. Iw this country there is @ strong tendency in things to start up the more you try to put them down, in fact if a thing is really good there is no quizzing it out of its vitality. We have occasionally indulged in a good humoured joke at the expense of our rusty fusty friend Bacu, the great composer of innumerable Ops, and whose sundry Schezzi in A, B, or C, are anything but A B C work to those render them.” Such however is the tenacity with which the virtuost keep in what may be called the Bacu | ground of the musical world, that a“ Bacu Society” has sprung, or | rather toddled, into existenee. This society we believe invites an audience, and has such a therough-going way of Bacu-ing its friends, that there is nothing to be heard but Bacu during the whole evening. We shall expect to find the Bacu enthhsiasm ultimately reaching such a height that the Bacurres will be satisfied with nothing less than a Bac# attic in which to hold their meetings. Law or Wanrn.—The siege of Bobastapel, having in prospect a breach, may be regarded as a suit for breach of promise. and the Remans did, if the Patres i AFTER SUPPER AMUSEMENT AT BERLIN, “Carry Master C.icquor to bed.” — Variation of Shakepeare. Cicero says that nobody dances sober. From this rule, of eourse, are to be excepted individuals of the feminine gender. ies have a sufficient motive for dancing. It is the only exercise, worthy of the name, that they ever take. In dancing, moreover, they carry out the principal end of their education, which is to present the most attractive outward appearance possible. A daneing-girl is a display of a pretty figure im shgant attire and ul attitudes. A danoing-man is a comical @hject. He would, indeed, be an exhibition entirely pitiable, but for the eireumstance that he has, in England at least, a partner usually more or leas pleasant, with whom a waltg or a polka is an allowable romp. Bor this cause he does not mind pointing his toes, and kieking his | , and revolving about an mt with his ooat-tails flying behind his bagk, and before men angels. lt is nige to be unwise in the night place, and the right place ie made by one’s company. The softer sex ts in stultifying the stemer a little; as that Queen or Lypia did Heacuses. iology says that he by her side among a tram of women, Se does a gallant Gua or other hero, spin away with his Oey for the evening, ooking no less absurd but rater more so, than be in the Lion’s hin. He is ridiculous but blest. A man ing is simply ridiculous. The greater the man the more . Kancy a Judge, or the Lory CuaneeuLon dancing : i in their robes, fmagine the upisHor ov CanTERBURY as cavalier seul, or Can- DINAL N pounding the the College Hornpipe, or the Reversye Da, Cummins, at or Buckingham Palaee, footing it to the tame of “ Zudlochgorum,” Tmagine these grave and reverend sigiors danet : ing after supper, and that would bring us " At the Palaee of Berlin, however, after , they appear to do as } ified the converse of the eredibly informed that PRineg or Prussia was the other day im holy Matrimony with the cess Mania Anna OF v. The solemnity was pre- ceded and i of a nt nature, being by divers i neither solemm nor suitable, with the exception of the discharge of numerous guns; music which, the existing dircumstances of Europe, may be admitted to have been serious and appropriate. ‘The rest of the nuptial rites consisted of mummery and flunkeyism, more or less brilliant, whereef the climax was, according to the 7'imes, “a polonaise, or torch-dance, performed by twelve Ministers of State, with wax-tapers in r bands.” ‘This might be ealled the Polonaise of Potontus; the rather that, as it came direetly after the wedding supper, the daneers probably exhibited more signally than usual, the senile phenomena of “most weak hams.” It is said that the Ministers were twelve, ‘To their Sovereign they probably appeared twenty-four. The example of these advisers of Fremuts testy was, we are further told, followed by the “‘ King, and all the Princes, the Bridegroom, the Queen, and all the Princesses.” Again comes the question, Is it possible to imagine great people making themselves such great fools? Yes: not only possible—the thing was done. However, in conformity with what Cicwno says, it was not done till alter supper. What a mess they must have made with their candle-grease !— especially the King, if his Majesty’s hand has been rendered ag un- steady as his policy. Any doubt that may exist about the nature of the influence under which these Royal hymenwals were celebrated, is removed by the fact that, by way of winding up this excessively jolly evening, the Bride’s garter was cut up into pieces, which were distributed as wedding favours among the company. Cice iam. aphorism, The world King Stephen with a Difference. Kine Curcquor was the worse for beer ; His cups will cost him but a erown : He holds the flagon all too dear ; For that they call the sovereign, loon. Fle is a wight of base renown For toping to a degree ; Tis drink that the country down, So change the swipes-pot for the tea. --- oF et << AMMUNITION PROM CHIMA. As instancing the enthusiasm im providing for the wants of the Army which inspires all ranks, it may be mentioned that the (rogers are sending out Gunpowder.

A Decmep Mowomasiac.-A has been taken up for stealing A Sewer Reapy-Mapz.—Brick over the Thames. | a copy of the ; Advertisor, -_ -

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—— a i il el a? ae “Ene — ee i ae, din ES eos a

246 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, / \ = DS -*

VERY MUCH TO BE PITIED. let Undergrad. “Wet, Frep, Froorep tae Questions?” 2nd Undergrad. “No, BANG It! WHat CAN a FeLLow DO WITH Two MEN ON EACH SIDE WHO DON'T KNOW MORE THAN HIMSELF, AND A CONFOUNDED EXAMINER BEHIND PREVENTING HIM LOOKING aT His Pocket-Boox !”

SONG FOR THE ALLIED ARMY. To the Celebrated Tune of “Ca Ina.” Le Czar ira, Czar ira, Czar ira A tous les diables, oui, je Je répete, Le Czar ira, Czar ira, Czar ira; Malgré les All’ mands, tout réussira. A Sébastopol on le ross’ra, Comme & Inkermann et a |’ Alma. Le Czar ira, Czar ira, Czar ira, Au diable par la baionnette ; Avec vitesse il fuira. Le Czar ira, Czar ira, Czar ira A tous les diables, oui, je le répéte, Le Czar ira, Czar ira, Czar ira; Malgré les Joun Brieuts, tout réussira. Quand Urquaart, jadis, du Czar nous parla Comme un prophete, il prédit tout c’la. Le Czar ira, Czar ira, Czar ira Au diable avec tout’ sa famille. Le Czar ira, Czar ira, Czar ira. Des alliés tout s’accomplira ; Jamais le Ture on n’abaissera; Plus haut qu’avant on le relévera. Le Czar ira, Czar ira, Czar ira A tous les diables, oui, je le répéte, Le Czar ira, Czar ira, Czar ira; Malgré Veuv’ Cricqvor, tout réussira Pendant la guerre, aucun ne trahira. Anglais, Francais, |’un l’autre soutiendra ; S’il voit un Russe, haro on criera : Le Czar ira, Czar ira, Czar ira. Que l’on fasse 4 Vienne ce qu’on voudra, Le patriotisme lui répondra : Les neutres ont cceurs de femmes; L’alliance toujours vaincra ! Oui! ?Czar ira, Czar ira, Czar ira A tous les diables, oui, je le répéte, Le Czar ira, Czar ira, Czar ira ; Malgré Jes All’mands, tout réussira

=

New Reaprne.—* When Greek meets Greek, then comes the ‘Tnuce of War.”

THE WAR EXHIBITIONS. Srxce Astiey’s gallantly led the way with the Badtle of the A/ma, | and gained the heights of popularity, as well as the heights befor: Sebastopol, the example has been followed by numerous caterers for | the entertainment of the publie ; and there seems to be no investment so profitable as the investment of Sebastopol. The war is not confined to the Crimea, but it has been carried into the very heart of England, and has even found its way to Clifton, whose walls bear the marks of some tremendous broadsides, which have been poured into the place, with the hope of taking it by storm, and laying siege to the pockets of the inhabitants. i counterfeit of the war in the East; and while, at the Crimea, we have England’s war with the Czar, we find at Clifton “Gomrertz’s war with Russia.” ; war, that he has for twent canvas—with the enemies of this country; for, “stimulated by the general appreciation of his war with China, and, on a prior occasion, that of the Cabul passes,” he has, it seems, gone to war with Russia ona seale of magnitude and an extent of canvas far exceeding his former achievements. We wish that England were as triumphant with her stores and | paint pot and his Few “ brushes ” | ammunition as Gompertz is with his with the enemy. The facility with which Gompertz lands his troops in the Crimea “elicits,” as we are informed by himself, “the most enthusiastic and simultaneous expressions of approbation,” and we can well understand how the enthusiasm reaches its height when GomreRtz brings bis war with Russia to a conclusion by the “ultimate triumph of the allied armies.” With such a result before us, we wonder there is not a cry of “Gompertz for Premier,” in place of ABERDEEN, and indeed of the two men, the views of the former will the better bear canvassing. In the explanatory bill that forms as it were the programme of the war, our friend Gompertz gives a succinct account of the policy of the The war now being waged in the West is a sort of | It appears from Gomrertz’s printed declaration of | ears been engaged in hostilities—on | ¢ Czar, which we are informed was of such a nature as to render hos- tilities—and of course GOMPERTZ’s panorama—utterly imevitable. Nicnotas is therefore denounced as being responsible for the frightful | shedding of blood—and consumption of paint—which has come to pass ; | so that on his head will fall the whole of the consequences, including | bombs, ten-pounders, paint-pots and paint brushes, which England’s— | and Gompertz s—war with Russia have called into powerful activity. 4

NEW JEWEL FOR THE POURTH ORDER or RUSSIAN BRAVERY, IN HONOUR OF THE PRICES MICHAEL AND NICHOLAS, WHO WON THEIR SPURS AT THE FLIGHT FROM INKERMANN!

| | er rr renee cena reper taereneeneeeene— seen -

este f& oc S’Op,.arrD OS Ah dot one

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 247

| THE LORD CHANCELLOR AND THE SECOND COLUMN OF THE “TIMES,”

Prison for writing them, = to the evidentl —s which? are through the aa pe by of the Times newspaper.

2. are pot pve istinguished contem of Printing House mgorary is not guilty of a contempt | of court in aiding the pre-| mal of gy love- | maki y t — open —_ iS coleman, te whe | ledge per. form other similarly absurd freaks through the jum of an advertisement. We perceive that the Caance.tor refused to let a young man out of durance the other day until he had placed all letters he had received from the object of his adoration in the hands of his lordship, Possibly the communications might have been partly con- tained ima file of the Times, where, if couc ched?i in cyphers, they would have worded his lordship a series of “nuts to crack,” with his port pi ve approaching Christmas. If Lorp Craywortn should find fficulty, we flatter ourselves we are rather clever at getting at a neal through the hardest shell, and we shall be happy to place at the disposal of the Court of Chancery, our own intellectual nut-crackers. As a specimen of our abilities we beg to eall the attention of the) Cuaancecor to the following from the Times of November 30, which is probably intended for the eye of some ward of the court whom we are perhaps saving from the grasp of some needy, greedy, and seedy adventurer by the course we are now taking— ROM AIBARA.—Thyt lluwr ng, I mntch ngd, bthy mdvr yffrt tknww hrar—urm rtmthn vr! I dhpn dhvvr ynef dnenyr cnstncy.—Idl f myhr tfrnt! Lyfr mnd schd vinms thvt ‘’srwrd.— Times, Nov. 30.

If the writer’s motives are as easily seen through as the clumsy eni he has concocted, we think we might safely leave him to be t with by even the dullest of guardians, We give the obvious translation of the above rather transparent pieee of protestation— OM ARABIA.—They tell you wrong. I am not changed, but have made every effort to know where you are; you are more to me than ever! I do hope and have every confidence in your constancy. Idol of my heart, fear not! Live for me, and such devotion must have its reward.

A QUERY FOR THE WAR OFFICE. Once upon a time, it is said, there was a Brigadier-General in India. GeneraL Nort was his eommander-in-ehief. Gewerat Nort sent to the Brigadier an order to advance with the tr under his command. The Brigadier sent answer it was impossible—no doubt for some excellent military reason. Nort sent back to the Brigadier a repetition of his order. Wil wa was a letter informing the Brigadier that a duplicate of the order been sent to his second in command, ng direetions, if the Brigadier still declined to advance, to advance Brigade aad bring the prenilics lies gions with , F . the ‘Zeigon blem whi has een regent lve that oulc _mentioned, as we do not wish to be pete on the ee sending volun to to the er view is taken of we it is pleasing to to know it t of a few shillings by the philosopher « phers of Cam bre oJ ys will not be @ very yh 3 * Ms Azan — oy 4 ubtless on eve of | to

If * C * Lgonora ” Nigh tee a he will, in Chancery, it is time we know, from his that “ Lao ” should + Maier hata afin i ited on epee, | Me Ate - lg | pi mor vt ae es omer each class two classes wspree and thor pa S is News? only

i of a th jeal | d fools read ? The philosopher who was “caught” eatin ithe * lca of the season ’ * replied in answer to the sneer of ~ supine yon pappose | the good things were meant for fools,” and Punch oe Do that news } were meant only for fools ! De newspapers apne ge = i Docs | Punch never philosophise? And, "estes, not the so-calle d | philosophical journals ¢entain news ? announcement in the Philos "Feamanabions” of the next discovery by Mn. Hip of a w star (€ mi he may call it) will be as much “ news” ge is It announcement in the newspapers that any one is giving Valgar Burlesque, or “starring” it in the east, Or suppose the following to appear in the Chemical Gazette :— “New Mergop or Prerantea Moon TLAMONIUM, | —The proper materials are placed in @ pe oaped te the required | temperature, and the heat continued as long ~ i | the process is stopped; the result is‘ thrown’ an # bath,’ and, if the operation is not successful, pished to t is attained, into & water Would not this be news? Perhaps it may be objected that the stuff with the long name is a non-isolated radicle ; but surely if there is any wisdom in the wigs of the Bench, it will be admitted that the |mere title of the reeipe makes every atom of it equivalent to news. In conclusion, it may be well to observe, that while we object to the inference that no philosophers read newspapers, though such inference be made by all the judges, even the holder of the Great Seal—we would strongly impress upon the various philosophical Societies, that now that the Sinews of War are so much required, every one ought to pay his whacks, WHAT WILL THE GERMAN’S FATHERLAND BE? Wnuat will the German’s Father-' How brave *twill be, if Father- land Be, if the Germans fail to stand | Have bard and sage, chained hand Russia’s | to hand, Off to Riberis marched in packs, Agued encroaching The lash resounding at their backs The upper hand if Russia gain, | For Fathoriend, the sight how The Czar will rule in Allemagne ; And Fatherland, ere long, will be, | Nat mandy Left of all the Rhine, What Poland is to Muscovy. But far beyond it, by-anc by, To Galle E les fly | } Should France and England over- ase the = throw, Germans! the Fatherland disowns All by themselves, the tyrant foe, A help brood of stocks and Then Fatherland will take the aes chance, Adopting sons who understand To be whatever pleases France. How to defend their Fatherland. ight, And skulk aloof, afraid to fight ? The Way the Cat Jumps. Tue admirable behaviour of our troops is a great triumph for those who advocated the abolition of flogging in the army. Now that corporal punishment is in a great measure discoutinued, the so!dier gels ate any stripes except for good conduct,

A COLULDRUB. ‘Dy a Gentioman with a cold in hia head.) W ey is a pot-boy likely to beeome a soldier ?—Whel he’s goilz to | Crumea). : ery-beer |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI: “Here! Bryou! Here! J can’t stop tar Doc——I know wuat my Wirg’1t po——‘ Lost, £5 Rewarp!’ AND IF HE CATCHES THE THINGAMY, I SHALL BE HAD UP FOR WHAT’S-A-NAMIN WITHOUT A- LICENCE.” OUR BRAVE NAVVIES. Horrau for bold Lorp Ractay, and valiant Gengrat Brown, And the brave men who fight under them to put a Tyrant-down. No end of glory to them all; of honour and renown To those who live: to them that fall an everlasting crown. As loud a cheer give, England, to the Navvies’ peient band Who have gone to lend our warriors a stalwart helping hand. These to their work with shovel and crow-bar as true will stand, As those to theirs with bayonet, with rifle, or with brand. To hew out the highways of Peace was heretofore their trade ; Trust we the road to Conquest shall now by them be made.; Their pickaxe at the Upas Tree of Russia will be laid, “J And they ’ll dig at the foundations of the Tyrant with their spade. That Tyrant, brutal Nicnoxas, who rules by force and fear, Has. he for subjects working men who hold their country dear ? Tn Russia are there any on his side to volunteer ? How many Navvies have they there to match our fellows here ? England needs no"Conscription which peasants must obey ; Her sons go forth to fight for her when they are free to stay : And many more will follow where the Navvies led the way, And may they, for a good day’s work, receive a good day’s pay ! = The Heir with not many Friends! A NEWSPAPER paragraph informs us that the estates of a certain noble family are about to be “ brought to the hammer.” As we read the announcement we could not help thinking how many estates there are, which by being brought to the hammer are taken away from the Ninnyhammer. Russtan Provers.—Your Raki makes the best soldier. THE BISHOP OF EXETER’S DEAD WALL. | Everyzopy admits that a line ought to-be drawn somewhere ; but | few probably are of opinion that a churchyard.is the place for drawing a line between one set of. people and another... Among those. few appears to be the Bisnop oF Burial Board of Great Torrington, Devonshire, cannot get the Bishop divided merely by a carriage-road. The Bishop wants a wall, and “If cemetery walls are not erected, not only ali round the grourds, but across them, so as to make two distinct burial-grounds, the Bishep will not, allow Churchmen, throughout his wide diocess, to have any ground, under the new statute, in which they may bury their dead according to the rites of their own church.” The Bisnor or Exeter does not seem to have that faith in the efficacy of consecration that his antecedents would induce most people to give him credit for. Is he unaware that the herbage withers on that pert of a burial ground which has not received episcopal benedic- tion ? that the sun never shines and the rain and the dew descend not on the unblessed earth, insomuch that no turf is possible on the graves of Dissenters ? Does he not consider that a sufficient distinc- tion? On the other hand can he not see that a brick wall does not, in fact, secure the division which he desires? It merely separates the bones of one denomination of Christians from those of another. . It does not prevent the softer parts of their old worn-out framés. from commingling in the form of those gases which they are resolved into, and ascend in the air. What are the exteriors which we, leave behind us in the world but cast-off apparel? And what, O Bishop! is the use of building a wall to separate old clothes? And is this the time for making such a distinction, when Roman Catholic, Presbyterian, and Churchman are interred side by side at. Inkermann ? THE QUAKER’S COLOURS. THE BEST WAY OF DyineG FoR one’s Country :—Dyeing Drab. xETER. According to the Glode, the | to consecrate any portion of their cemetery, because the ground is | a Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Perish of St. in the County of Middlesex, Printers, at their Uffice in Lombard the City of London.—Sarvapar, 16, Pancras, and Frederick Mullet Evans, of No. 27, Victoria Street, in the Parish of St. Margaret and St. John, We-¢minster, both Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by them at No. 8, Fieet Street, in the Parish cf St. Bride, in

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 249 , arm. The Officers of the same arm, whose names are appended, have, on every occasion, shown themselves worthy of the utmost confidence, THE MISSING DESPATCH. and I as to recommend these Officers to your Guai's most favourable P “Tuz Duxe or NEwcastie / . poe nis com a r. Punch, an i) A\\ \\ lace at his disposal the . Ns . ollowing despatch from \ \ WiA\\ F. M. Lorp Rac3ay, which \\\ ‘9 \ by an accident, over which \ ya fan the Duke had no control, 3 has not been hitherto made public.” “ War Office, Dec. 11. 1 p.m.” \\\ WN FZ Z 7 eg Head Quarters, Camp before Sebastopol, Dec. 1, 1854, My Lorp Dvxz, My previous despatches (Nos. 60 to 69) having been written immediately after the actions to which they tespectively refer, were pecan eee in de- tails. I believe, however, that they will be found wanting in none of the particulars on which infor- mation is demanded by the : J forms of the Service. In compliance with the rule‘usually followed in such communications, I have hitherto considered it my first duty to bring under the favour- able notice of your Grace, for the well-merited recognition of the Country, the admirable conduct of every member of my personal s on all occasions, the indefatigable exertions of all the Generals com- manding Divisions and Bri, ,. and the manner in which these exertions have been seconded by all the members of all the personal staffs of all these Generals, without a single exception. t ‘cannot c my memory with any omission in this respect, though for my fulfilment of this pleasing duty, I take no credit to myself. Intimate as I am with the Officers serving on my own staff (most of whom I have the pride of counting among my own relations or near connections), sharing with them not only the labours and dangers o: the field, but the few hours of enjoyment and repose which the hard- ships of the campaign leave at our disposal, it is but natural I should bear ample and cheerful testimony to the accuracy and — with which these Officers have carried my orders, their admirable horseman- ship, their agreeable social qualities, the iness with which they have borne unwonted privations, and their coolness under the hottest fire. Under these circumstances, it would have been unpardonable in me not to have assigned to these Officers the first place in all my offiei commuaications. The General Officers serving under my command, have, no doubt, been actuated by similar feelings (prompted by motives as creditable to all parties, and by services as conspicuous), in bringing so prominently forward for favourable consideration the names of the officers composing their respective staffs. No General and no Staff Officer having been left unnoticed, it may have been thought that my duty, as the medium for directing attention to eminent services, been fulfilled. It has, however, been represented to me from quarters entitled to respects that some notice of Officers in lower grades of the army would be neither injurious to the Service, unacceptable to your Grace, nor as to the country. he names of even some Non-commissioned Officers and Privates have reached me, as having done their duty under difficult circumstances, in @ manner to merit particular mention. I am aware that, in venturing to bring under your Grace’s favourable consideration the names of merely men cers, possessing no claim of hereditary rank or social distinction, and still more in oumeng te the ranks for conspicuous examples of heroism and self °¢ devotion, inexpedient and even hazardous. But I humbly venture to s st that the conduct of the British army throughout this campaign, has such as to justify me in a wide deviation from rule, a I do not ceenene that any danger is to be,feared from the course I am ut to take The conduct of the Artillery, both in the batteries and the field has. throughout the campaign, been beyond praise, and I subjoin a list o Officers who have especially distinguished themselves.” I have already repaired the oversight by which I had omitted, till my last despatch, all mention of Captain Mavoeg, of the Horse Artillery, whose severe wound in the action of the 25th, has, for a time, | tain that the distinction would be eagerly sought an the army of one of its ablest and most energetic officers in this, the common soldier, and that even Othcers depriv: * Here follows the list given in the Gazette of the 12th inst., as promoted. consideration. It is difficult for me to describe my obligations to Lrsvrewant- Coronet Dixon, to whose resistless energy in bringing up his two eighteen pounder guns in the Battle of Inkermann (in connexion with the timely charge of the division of GenzRaL Sosqons), I attribute | the decision of that well-fought day in our favour. Nothing could exceed the stubborn courage of the whole British Army in that unparallelled encounter with overwhelming numbers. It was an action, the glorious result of which can be but little attributed to my own dispositions as Commander-in-Chief, or to the unwearied. services of my personal staff, any more than to those of the Generals of Division or Brigade, or their several staffs, all of whom I have already recom- mended to your Grace’s most favourable consideration for their conduct on that occasion. It was essentially a struggle of regiments, not a com- bination of masses, and was decided, not by strategy, but ne personal prowess of regimental officers (both Commissioned and Non-commis- sioned), and the unparalleled steadiness of the British private soldier. In the case of the Guards’ Division, this characterstic was icu- larly conspicuous. Owing to the wound which, early in the action, dis- abled Genzrat Bentinck, and the employment of his Roya Hicuwness THe Duke or Camarines in other parts of the field, these splendid troops were for some hours left, virtually without a General Officer in command, but I am bound to say that, t to Cotone. Upton, the want did not seem to be felt. The noble young men, to whom were entrusted the colours of the different ents, and their coverin Serjeants, supplied a rallying point to the shattered battalions, an every Officer engaged covered himself with honour. Division, but the moment I can find leisure to do so, I propose (if your Grace do not consider the proceeding in nay | to take an oppor- tunity of thanking them for their heroic defence of the redoubt, which formed the key of our position on the right, I hope (subject to your Grace’s approval) to be able to offer the same recognition of the merits of every regiment cageget. Meanwhile, besides the Officers whose names are annexed, I would earnestly recom- mend to notice the services of Captain Exxison of the Fusiliers, who, with admirable presence of mind, suggested to his men the use of stones, when their ammunition was exhausted; and those of a Serjeant of the Coldstreams, who, single-handed, captured sixteen Russian ¢| soldiers, but_ whose name I omitted to enquire when I encountered him conducting his prisoners to the rear, with the unpretending air of a man who had performed asimple act of duty. Your Grace will pardon me for adding, that a Commission could not be better bestowed than on this Serjeant, should I eventually s in discovering him. The limits of a dispatch will not allow me to particularise examples, when not to be a hero was to be conspicuous, and it is extremel difficult to arrive at names, with which I have no familiar or habitua ial | connection. But I beg to add as many of these names as have reached me.* I cannot refrain from recommending to such consideration as can be bestowed on a Private, JoserpH Counter (whose regiment you may ascertain by reference to his letter published in the Times), who (as I find from the public prints) after receiving two serious wounds, main- tained his place in the ranks, and finally carried out of the field, in vere parts of his person, four Russian bullets and the fragment of a shell. The mention of this man’s name recalls to me that of Senszant Sunzivan of the 30th regiment, specially brought under my notice for his conduct in the action of the 26th, by GenzRat Sie pe Lacy Evans, | but omitted from my despatch forwarding the report of that distin- guished officer. I have reason to believe that the rank of the Service to which Serczant Svtitvan belongs would appreciate any favour | which can, consistently with propriety, be shown to that person, and that it might even prove of value in stimulating the private soldiers, who are by no means so insensible to the motives of hope pride as by my previous experience, | had been led to anticipate. I believe that the recognition of the services of this rank of the Service might be carried further without disadvantage. If a certain number of com- am departing from precedent in a way many may think missions were placed at my disposal to be given to highly distinguished non-commissioned officers, 1 venture to suggest that young men of a superior class, both in social standing and intelligence, might be attracted to the Service. The conduct of Parvare WuearTLey, in throwing an unexploded shell over the parapet of the battery in which he was stationed, has already received its reward—a gratuity of £5. But it has been suggested to me that there are some, even in the ranks, who are more sensible to honour than to money. And if some reward of merit could be dis- covered (akin to the French cross of the Legion of Honour) accessible to Privates as well as Officers, there are not wanting penons who main- highly prized by “would not shrink from I have not hitherto had an opportunity of visiting the camp of this’ accepting it. I only submit this, however, with great deference, for your Grace’s consideration. VOL. XXVII. c c

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250 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARTVART. Po the Officers of the Medical Service, the army aad the: owe a deep debt of gratitude, which some di “The ile lend which is ‘the heavier, as the ‘convenience of ° ‘Officers, pal and professional, cannot always be consulted. Meanwhile, would humbly revall to your grace the act of sel Assistant-Surazon Tompson of the 44th regiment ‘fell .a ‘sacrifice after the action of'the Alma. That Officer say oo Grace may perhaps rementber) volunteered ‘to remain behind on the field, for the purpose of succouring the wounded Russians, aceompanied only by his servaut, Patnrox Maenats. For ‘five days these ‘two, unaided, buried ‘the dead, comforted and relieved the wounded, braved'the dangers of marau Cossacks, and all the privations which circumstances rendered table, such as want of ‘food, fuel, medical stores, and shelter. To ‘the hardships'then encowitered so nobly Dr. THompson fell a victim, having been warried off by cholera soon after joining his regiment at Balaklava. a inquired whether Dr. Tompson has behind him eo or connections ent upon him. Your Grace may'be to/aseertain this: if he have, and the rules of the Service do not interpose any obstacle, I venture to suggest that some slight mark of your Graee’s a of an act of heroism which:some.consider one of the most ime ofthe many to which this campaign has given occasion, would neither be misplaced in relation to’the Service itself, nor begrudged ‘by the British Nation. I would also beg:to recommend Paratck MaGRatH for promotion, if he be still alive. ; : It your Grace should consider that I am not imtroducing a dangerous imnovation, in devoting to the a of the Service so ‘large a si asl have done in this de tch, I shall endeavour in future, to obtain information, through Divisional, Brigade, and R ental Officers, acts of conspicuous or intelligence, shall take the liberty of bringing them occasionally under \your \Grace’s f-devotion to which | : [have not | the notice, and through your Grace under that of Her Most Gractovs Magesty, and the Coustey. I cannot ‘but eel, ‘however, that some hur excuse may be required for so bold a departure from established get A think such exeuse may be found first, in the stimulus that is practice . give to recruit the regular ; and secondly, in the: that a more habitwalbreeognition of the-services of ‘Regimerital Officers and Privates, may have m depriving the ~Cor- ndents of the daily newspapers of «a plausible-pleafor the le minuteness of their communications. The publicity given 1 these communications tothe movements and arrangements of ithe Allied Forces, is often inconvenient. A fuller cand ‘freer :official recognition of merit, might .often a@heck the unofficial proclamation of it, and I cannot think, after the fifftest con- sideration I have been able to give the subject, that ‘the .efficiency of that portion of the army on whom fall the most duties of war would:be impaired, were more space givendn der- im-Chief’s Lm eee to their services, and less to'those6f the Staff— oO though I d mueh lament if the latter shouldaset, on all occasions, be.most fully recognised. ; lcan ‘never forget that the best blood of d is freely out:on the heights before Sebastopol, but Ldkmow that ; lood, not less heroically shed, mingles with its stream.; and bly * submit that the names of those who, side by —- death on the field,.may, without mdecency, stand associated in the: despatch. Waiting your Grace’s instructions on the ;point-a T have the honour to be, Your Grace’s most obedient:servant, To His Grace the Duke of Newcastle. Bacay. Notr.—Mr. Bunch is glad to see that this admirable despatch has already pro- duced its éffeet. REMONSTRANCE WITH THE TOAD AND RAVEN. H! -you are quite right my dear Pond : what you croak is ectly true, Raven. ‘Cer- ainly we have not been so successful in the war as we could wish. Sweaborg, in fulfilment of our antici- pations, should have ‘sur- rendered when N Apter held up his finger, and Cronstadt should have ‘fallen before the flourish of his ~walking stick. The victories of Alma and Inkermamn ouglit not to have ‘been gained, because the battles ou never to have been ‘fought. Menscuixorr and his army ought to have been ‘seized with a panic at the sight of the red coats, and to have bolted as as they were able, leaving all their guns and ammunition behind them. The walls of Sebastopol, had th hopes, would have crumbled at the blast of the British ‘bugles. Lorp Ragan would have kicked down Fort Alexander ‘with ‘his foot, and Gewerat Canrosert would have blown up Fort Constan- tine with a puff of a ae. No doubt we are much disappointed by the fact that the flags of the Allies are not at this moment flying over St. Petersburg, and that the Ozan, having been obliged to eat dirt and abdicate, is not now residing at the Star and Garter. That our desires in these ‘particulars have not gratified is very vexatious. _ However, suppose the Russians had razed an immense fortification, in course of construction at John O’Groats; that they had ‘burt a vast quantity of pitch and tar accumulated on our northern coasts; that they had swept our fing from the seas, and shut up our fleets in our harbours ; that they captured no end of our merchant vessels ; that they had effected a descent, in large foree, on Malta, and ‘were maintaining their position there, besieging Valetta, having done an immense deal of mischief to the place, and being certain to take ‘it unless we put forth the whole might of the Empire, and ve — to take it in spite of that. Suppose they had already thrashe us handsomely on our own territories, with enormous slaughter, m two pitched battles, wherein every extraneous advantage was on our side, and in one of which our numbers exceeded ‘theirs in the ratio of five to one. In short, supposewe had changed places with Russia: should we like our position better then than we do now, or would our opinion of ourselves partake more decidedly of the nature of small beer? And would you croak less or more ? accomplished our be Britannia, my Toads, is under circumstances of trial; circumstances requirmg an ‘effort, my Ravens. But may we not venture ‘to say, on the whole, ‘that Britarmia—in her present interesting ‘condition—is as well-as can ‘be expected ? A GREAT MAN. Lord Dersy has called Niononas‘a “great man.” Still, agreat man; although misusing his resources. ell, he isa great man, in the like:sense that. Motocn was.a great idol. acon, too, was another great idol : and yet, tumbling flat upon his fish face, he had his ‘head and hands dissevered. The “elephant is a great lord,” chants the Hottentot.in his respect for the dead brute when, reverently a . ing the carcase, the savage cuts off the t lord’s trunk. The ‘bear isagreat bear; for which reason let us do our best and speediest, if not to knock him on the ‘head, at least to «cut—even to the roots—his carnivorous claws. A Bible Hero. Mr. Bricur has discovered in Nicnoxas a great patron of the Bible! At the Rechdale Auxiliary Bible Society, the pacific member for Manchester was very much hurt ‘that the Rav. Hueu Stowen. had spoken somewhat irreverently of the Ewrzror or Russra: it was too bad. Consider the pious sacrifices of Nicnotas! Why, the had remitted the duty upon Bibles imported into Russia to the ‘amount of tween £300 £400 ; and should be spoken of respectfully as a subscriber to that amount. * Tattoo £ s..d. upon the bedy of Satan, and there is a man Jincdrab breeches who will drop down upon his knees before shim ! Shells that Won’t Shell Out. (Comruarnts have reached our ears that the Shells in ‘the'Crimena ‘are not ‘up'tothe mark, or at all events, when ee get up tothe mark at which they are aimed, they do ‘very little age. It is said ‘that when they reach the ground, they won't explode, and that when once discharged they appear as if released ‘from further service. Tt is'rather unfortunate that the shells should be:maée:of such strong materials | } that they will not break, astate of things that must be equally credi- table'to the:manufavturer and satisfactory to the enemy. Better for Mixing. | * Mr. Stoney Henperr believes that in our allied battles—“while | we shall be acquiring the dash of the French, ‘the French will be ‘ac- | quiring the firmness of ‘the English.” The Right Hon. Secretary mint as well have said—“ While we shall be acquiring the feathers of eagle, the Prench will ‘be —— bones of the lion.” Can men change their nationalities by rubbing coats together? In ‘such way, can red make blue, and blue red? But these Right Hon. ies | are privileged ‘to talk unlike philosophers. |

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PUNCH, OR.THE, LONDON CHAREVARL, 251 hich trhave been hitherto supplied THE WAR PUFFS. inal Gnosis Tnaemma Ge tater these besides: im a dein fragrance to the breath, EVERAL tradesmem have, and Tal beeen to aes ton of it to the Semaesent re ing hes ate ah a Ga ah ie eae ‘. rium humble servants, = Ps: their wares om mane or)“ 7¥j9}, Holborm, Deo. 1854. ; Maysve anp Sow.” to the im. the! 2%. The Quaxnaunucororom: is: the only acknowledged preservative Crimea. We =e wil. of the teeth and gums ling: tm give eredit: for ‘iw al disinter i 5 A BLESSING TO THE NERVOUS. - Ruesesceren Puycm—A ny yo Oxford University having on discovered: a. rem by which he has curedi himself of a nervous forward. on. the or mental disease; from benevolence rather than gain to cure ‘have: | sent to the Seat.of War, the: of t Testite, Coceantiie bch eee liable,. gi and confusiom tite head: threatening derangement of Times; were re- camellia alike blushing, the camsequence of failure, are effectually fe it “jected by our contem- prevented: by this: never specific, for which application should. be maa » as being: little | made: to Rotter than dodges “De. Minis Wozenn.” te olitain gratuitous) “Dee: 1854. Sh Gilem Sneek, Bloomsbury?” adventisements. We selbat a fow af the: maliestt specimens :— “PS Eurvey Cuareans on Nesyous: and Menta, Comrnamrs are published at Da. Minnis Worrnay’s Residenee, “Mix. m—Amid the horrons off wane t. fellows will NO WoOODEM LEGS WANTED. be ing: af the sweets: aff tlierefore, tos!’ «« a reainliie b 2 aah He, wane ee : aa ore | _“ PuncH,—Tt griovedl me seasls tte Rener iat ie tzoope ot a te di were in. wantiof medicines: andi dressings. I lave. , for the treops: im the Chines. Our To : BRBERD a waggemdload. which will is oa is Gusto nenen finr thie: aonvenience aff the: to: whonn poke me py am sie off TINDMBIT, ibs sold at aponmy par packet; and it will be: to) a ill heal be capoeira Teel that if 1 our in the Hast, to tied their leisure’ oo uit contemplate the sufferings of aur-soltiiers without ring moments, ace: seuthied by somo of our superior sweetstalf.. ‘them titatt miraculous remedy by which all complaints diseases “Your abiedient servantig, ‘whatewer mage be infallibly cured, I should be unworthy the name of “Lowsrer asp.Co2” | “ Zemple Bar; Dee. 1854. Prorzsson. Guitoway.” ; “P:&, It be as well to state that for the ing Cure of CIGARS: FOR THE. CRIMEA. hamnit ehetiaate’ comgihiah, Ki poles s mon’ fete eaennia “Messrs. Suaprack, Brothers; present: tlieir compliments to the | reeeived from tlie Bann or Anmponoven.” ‘ Editor, and having just received a pa epome consignment of real Havannahs. of a superior deacon, now selling at their London shop at 3d.| The above specimens of patriotism which advertises not itself, will a-piece—(a reduction on taking a quantity)—are prepared to p. i one | perhay — suffice: we can only add, that if the soldiers of Lorp Ractay’s pound of those e goods I in the handy of Lory Ractan for- distribution| army have got tired of their rations, Ds Pompapour will be -s among the most distinguished of his brother officers. In order to) h appy to give them lots of his delicious Revalenta Arabica celebrate the « glory of the achievements of our brave army in the East, | order that all may be enabled to masticate it, Mr. Snaces, the Dentist, Messrs. Suaprack, B pregose to. give the article above i ready to supply them plentifully, om. thesame tarms, with an Entirely mentioned the name of the RAGLAN , and those of the public who | New Description of Teeth. may wish to show their sympathy with our brave army by smoking: the same cigars, may be furnished with — at the price above mentioned: Mussha. Lae have not taken this course from ar motive of por enw doe erosity, but simply from a feeling whick induces them to think that ¢ the smoke of their cigars will, be an, agree-. able mitigation of the. horrors of the smoke of the enemy.” - inlly ee — r cineulation to the subjoined, that ori- PRESERVES FOR. THE ARMY. T. PAUL'S, KNIGHTSBRIDGE.—WANTED,. after Cliristmos, an experienced SCHOOL MISTRESS, fo the Infant School, Address the How, and Eprror,—Anxious-as: we all'nvust be for the preservation of our! Rev, &. Livpxtt, 36, Wilton Crescen ’ - aa pl eres im. the Bast, _—s- ete hag > © off the wearin: | ip, econ it is anid, wil be expected satisfactorily to answer THE SCHOOLMISTRESS IN KNIGHTSBRIDGE.. and I for one am: my 2 ae Muck-wil depen! on tthe provinens wi a Raines and it is eloar| the following questions :-— thet nufeitions articles, such 2s potted soups, and jellies, im which I st ‘Seen ou Sk, gi fe artificial: flowers for the: feast) of be very aeceptal Hoping t W) tp cihem, Bom | te yack up sin dosen. of mp petted toef| Cnn pow intrest oie 5 Senin: oat “intoning ;” the said in- fteen pence teniag to sound’ as through bmw 4 wie which will ling, and fini worth Af the aoa Sot yee “ Are you a judge of spa eas ad gs not fresh; in order: that, capital invested. As most of my money iz locked up in gallipots, 4 on the election of low chureh , you may purchase eggs at the cannot pretend to offer cash, but san ready with my mite in the =F lowest price, and the po to the cause : others nowim tlie Crimea. Dineetions will be given and medicines Government: the means © I have mentioned. “ Give the recipe of a cake for High Teas as os held i in Belgravia.” “T would offer, at a little above cost —. 2 some few han hali al Hams, of whieh T have lately received a y| i satisfnetory ana that. the re: abi, — for them al Infinitesimal Warfare. would exhaust my before s shipment ca Ovxr Ministers are wrong if imagine th the War he efffeted. age Ido to. send, as Ii think. aw night that is raging in the Chinen by Homeopathy We dor doubt if Sebastopol | the transit, and I shall: therefore continue: to: retail js ‘to be reduced by ho thic doses. Lorn ABERDEEN’S pre- them. at. nine pence per pet ta-the public in general. Seaiption woul Id; 'dou lentes ee billionth of a grain of gunpowder, and “Yours, and my Country’s, ia quintillionth. of the infusion of lead. ‘The latter tobe-worked'a “Joseru Jetiypoy.” |® Dill, of the size of a small bullet. The two to be well mi -_ le pap pn assure ro is ’ like the Pg imme ng _ oe = ‘regula old. practi, sadn dasperae cage liko the present, the — ies of our noble warriors encamped’ on. larger more frequent the doses, the quicker the lenghta of Hebeatopch it has secured me that a desideratum ’ disappear. , int

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252 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

iit | il Hite iol I” 2 / 9 Saat wan \ a \ Wel 7) =i TNE, ~ > —— / er 4m Uitte A PRIVATE BOX FOR ENGLAND'S

1 in ’ ws Vy m ‘Les Abs, = UW = SS Hl THE THEATRE OF WAR. aes \ Wr. \ ANY \ / ) \ \\ \ | | Ns \ \ \ \\ ~< Mm Ry \ ak wr \ N ra W Yj — ~ — ~ ———— "1 SS awe : aay il =! Darel: 9 4) mm G7), Ti 4G — My mp

ae uf My, DEAR BOYS BEFORE SEBASTOPOL !

THE GREAT DEBATE NUISANCE. WE confess we did not like the aspect of the Zimes on the morning after the assembling of Parliament. It is bad enough for the country to be at war with Russia, but it is an aggravation of the evil to find an attack made upon our patience by thitty-nine columns drawn up in close order before us, at our very breakfast table. Finding it hopeless to stand against such an overwhelming display of heavy and misty material, such a massive charge of lead and smoke, we retired at once under the shelter of a light column of advertisements. We wust really request Lorp Patmerston to show bis impartiality | by calling on the Houses of Parliament to consume their own smoke, | just as he would deal with any other factory; and thus he might put | an end to the noxious trade of speech-making. We can assure his Lordship, that with so much Parliamentary smoke before us at our breakfast, we always suffer from the vapours. We do not see an — difficulty to be overcome in this case, for surely, when we fiu onourable members sometimes ready to eat their own words, they would not hesitate to consume their own smoke, or in some way get rid of the disagreeable result of their own speeches.

The Scotch Sunday Cab. Tue following touching incident is narrated in the Caledonian ercury :— “ While a cab was conveying an infirm lady to church yesterday morning the driver was heartily Aissed by a number of passengers in one of the leading thoroughfares of the new town.” | _ An infirm woman on her way to church Aissed/ Oh, Scotch piety ! | is not thy symbol a goose ? ‘ WOMEN AT THE ELECTRIC TELEGRAPH. Ir is found that women make the best clerks for the Electric Tele- graph. Very rarely, indeed, are they at fault. The only difficulty is, to i each young lady at either end of the line from having the wo

A POCKET LAVATER. Iw the account of a sanguinary miscreant given by a contemporary, we are informed that— “ The desperate character of the assassin may be gathered from the following list of articles found upon him:—A pair of pistols (the barrels about six inches long), 24 cartridges, some percussion caps, a dagger, having a blade nine inches in length, 83d. in money, and a corkscrew.” The first four of the above items, certainly, indicate that the gentle- man on whose person they were found was a ruffian of some determi- nation. That his character was of a desperate nature is strongly suggested by the pistols, the cartridges, the percussion caps, and the dagger. But it does not appear quite so plainly that his desperate character could in any measure be gathered from his possession of eightpence-halfpenny in money, unless it could be” proved that the sum Ihe had in his pocket was all he had in the world. The cork- screw would rather intimate that this was not the case: as it is an implement which*a person only worth canaarece-nalfeeany would be likely to have no occasion for. ahs = however, the preachers of total abstinence will consider that anybody must be in a desperate state who carries a corkscrew.

Blood of the Grape. Iw a sick soldier’s letter from Seutari, he writes—that he has had, among other comforts, “‘a gill of port wine every day, which has some- what pulled me up,’ after the quantity of blood I left at Balaklava.” We understand that the Temperance people! are about to assemble at Exeter Hall; calling the attention of the Government to the fact; and further expressing their confidence in the Ministry, so as the soldiers being debarred of wine, the war shall be carried on at home through the usual pump.

DIVISION OF LABOUR. Tr is calculated that if every well-to-do lady would call make and subscribe one flannel shirt for the men wiutering in the Crimea, that the men will, on their part, be able to make a capital shift.

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REMANDED. J—y R—s—ii, “WELL, OLD BOY, WHAT LUCK?” ANT | i

“WEEL, I’M JUST REMANDED TILL NEXT SESSIONS.” ‘ i A—d—n,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL nee THE CHARACTER OF MENSCHIKOFF ‘Jailging of him from the absurd way in which he goes on.at Astley’s.) ‘N ‘appearance Men- schixorr is rather | short, but a wonderful | cocked-hat that he | feathers that shoots | up ‘to some height, Wwe and then falls en spray upon his Shoulders, makes 4 Prince appear much taller than he really _ is. His coat is of a light malachite colour, | and with proper mili- tary precaution it is) buttoned close up to his throat, Menscut- ‘KOFF knowing very well that a General’s | first duty is to cover | well his front. gg ge or acs coos, Se balanced ‘with a pair of | es, a8 yellow and almost as | 4 as birders an oie h on eavh side of him like the His large breast is punctuated onsite say: = and es dams or and ‘notes of ad- with ery ow one another i in ‘a straight line in ‘regular succession, -house, ‘when, ‘by accident, we 0’ down into the kitchen. He wears j ~ boots worthy of a French Postilion, and has long buff-gloves that reach nearly up to his elbow, and which he is continually pulling back, as though he were afraid that, like the Russian soldiers, they were going every minute to run away. The manner of Prince MenscuiKorr, we regret to say, is not much e storms, raves, blusters, and more ed than his ———. throws his arms and legs tas absurdly as the Uncle just arrived from ae does in ‘one Sof ‘the fine old English comedies. He f. most liberal too, his stamps, counting you out at least shilling’s- worth at atime. In fact, it must be confessed that the General gives way to passion worse than any spoilt child. He shouts so loud that we should be very sorry to be his next door behavior beat the ompe is so brutal, that we wonder he ever can “ to sto him. ‘Sr, Vianna have pity on po fellow w ne to stop Ori off his boots, when the Prince happens to bein a peasicn— which, by the ‘by, seems to happen pretty aiecaliee of His favourite way of impressing an order on the of any one is by kicking him—a kick when the order is ma another kick when the order is ‘brought back ae ' is. MenscuiKorr’s customary sects of pew or Fla instead of taking off his cocked hat to any one, he kicks him. His humour i is not considerable, but it is very y in saying “Pooh! Pooh! ” to everett that is uttered, and though the extreme facetiousness of this it saying loses oe on od ny repetition, still it comes in with great S sach as, - ‘instance, when he is contradicting a or ten the Another phase of hi is humour lies in giving utterance to Statements of the most Siberian coolness, and advancing them as truths. Thus, a defeat is always paraded as a victory, and a drummer, who is tien Pundred is instantly into a Field-Marshal. Tens become undreds. a soon grow into thousands, and the loss of a picquet is equivalent with him ‘to the of an entire army—of course, when the loss is on his own side. prapensities, however, are vay diverting, and in a country where all, the Emprror downwards as — 4S 3 for the trath whilst one‘else was lying, would certainly appear very sin- gular, and woul probably ‘be put down | However, the worst point in-Mr. Menscurxorr’s character is ‘his in- in a Commanding General, ree but iti pies be 3 such thing. en. e soun cannon, to he had got by this tinte tolerably well accus-— ‘worse than any closet of and the sight, of an English or me Neve tine makes him vanish witha speed | that is highly comical. If he hears the enemy is coming one way, he | | runs instantly in the opposite direction, and the only wonder is that remaims in the ea at all. ur, and his iar. It’ consists Wee can = say, that if Pruvce Menscurxorr is the great simpleton, | wears with an enor-| mo mous jet d’eau of ee the great black bay can Gt tee seabeliy Saucers Ugy dae e | so liberal in distributing to aon “ ” coward, the ‘great liar, the { nin- represented at aang 5S for our ammuse- the kicks he is THE MODEL BAL MASQUE. as ne 5 the annual Bal heey ices 0: fM. JULLIEN, this year, refinement. Amid the merry, but | ‘we sotined ficed cover! fasnils families of professional gentlemen a eee. ; and matiy men, ‘whom Wwe knew, had oe ‘their sisters. The costumes were such as are usually seen. at 2 | mney dress ball; ; of a less =e SS ner than that ome derived ‘ht sone with the wearer, which vile ecvitatle ine ete that teehee Po ee ewan, and | theve ‘most bably stewing oleaginess he repository Wf. Hebuw ‘imattetitive Many of the ‘men wore plain black suits and white ties: and = — name! mes em - oe ~ nos worth may ve a r eo evi \were of the aristocrasy, and not — ate who abe abstained from actually Y dancing had all the appearance ‘of A Bishop occupied a | private- . among the s Seme of the characters were very cleverly sustained, and lively, yet polished repartee, ati with but never boisterous, mirth, was the order of the ‘ev e et tone of the assembly was that of perfect ease, and sot pegpriety ; the unrestrained and correct expression of amiability and ani: spirits. The refreshments were of an aa uality, and a mild and innocent er Subdued and — was the pervading character of the he utmost urbanity prevailed, and after a light oa moderate supper, the co: at a comparatively early hour. It is a pity that an opportunity of fenjoying this delightful and unob- jecti species of exter is not more frequently afforded to young men, (desirous of combining an evening’s cotidmal amusement with a in the graces, and exercise in the rand of life. -—— 4 A CHRISTMAS CAROL FOR THE CRIMEA. © Onrvatry of England! ye lion-hearted m Eneamped upon the heights above the assim Robber’s den, Tf not‘a merry ‘Christmas, a glorious‘one at least, —— while on those cold ‘bleak hills you hold your slender e ‘But not a man amongst you can more heartily desire ‘Here with his friends that he could be beside'a blazing fire, Than we do, safe at home, who eat-our pudding and our beef Tn you, and such as you brave fellows and your ‘chief. Officers of Distinction. Wispom dt Heal Quarters ‘has decorated our Officers with a barren uniform and her nee. ¥ ae swers ee, well is ‘of no use at night. Therefore, e any a bel to has to - dark, it would i: ailvisa’ et lighted lantern on ur Raspes ing bull’s- eye on his left breast, us the Peet by a t as well as day, would bid the et hit {the ‘target or send a shot through aa Charley's Mot) my Darling, Sir Caar.es efor a watchword * We address to the electors of Marylebone, takes for his watchw War to the knife with Russia.” It is all very well for “Old { tabout “War to the Knife,” just as he is about to “ cut it.” PIGS FOR A WRONG MARKET. Nuvery tons of pig-lead, shipped for Prussia, have been” stopped, fo the deny 3 of his es as contraband of war. SHAKSPEARE speaks the “ Future commentators he to anything) may Panam 'Pig-lead King.” ee Tmngiheasant réunion of the respectable tage at Drary Lane, better eon “4 88

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CHARIVARI. skh Sits A REHEARSAL! “ Now, Don’t you ’uRRY THE HaNnDanty (Awpsyrs) THIS TIME, YOUNG FELLER !” THE ARTIST CROSSING SWEEPER. | Tue Artist Crossing Sweeper continues to attend at his studio opposite St. James’s Palace ; but we regret that the patronage of the cognoscenti is not as yet commensurate with the results of genius. He is, however, beginning to be recognised by “the profession,” and we saw him the other day surrounded by a small party of brothers of the brush—or besom—who were **the anchor,” (which he had completed in a reli thick mud) with intense interest. e trust that the youthful genius, who has been the first to apply the arts to the ordinary street refuse, will soon attract the eye of some friend to talent, who will take it by the hand, and drag it out of the dirt at the first convenient opportunity. . We cannot help thinking that the same taste which directs the birchbroom might be applied with success to the pencil, and though we do not mean to claim for our young protégé the future of a Josuua Reynotps, we feel that the actual condition of a Jack Rag is hardly worthy of his merits. His favourite design at present is the anchor —the emblem of Hope—which we trust is not destined to be dashed by the rude waves of adversity, or the chilling winds of neglect which are perhaps less endurable, A Task for the Enemy. From the enormous length of most of the speeches on the Address, it appears that Parliament means to go on talking this Session as heretofore. At the pa time, the length of Parliamentary speeches may perhaps be excused, on the ground that not only are their hearers and readers bored by them, but the Emperor or Russia, also, has the trouble of reading them by oo lt is sincerely to be hoped that every debate will sicken him, and give him a headach. THE WESTMINSTER REPRESENTATION. WueEn we say that Westminster may be } awer f complimented on the excellence of its representation, it will be found that we intend to pey no ccmpliment to its present representatives in Parliament. The representation to which we allude has not been ensured by the electors of Westminster, but by the “elections” of Westminster School, where the Hunuchus of Terence has been lately represented in a very able and efficient manner. The Hunuchus has been generally described as a comedy, but we think it may be classified, with greater fitness, under the category of broad—exceedingly broad—farce. Its breadth is indeed far more noticeable than its depth, for the plot is of the shallowest, and the only deepness we can find, is that of the scampish man-about-town, Gnatho, upon whom the weight of what is called the “comic business” prin- cipally devolves. e say emphatically “weight,” for the levities of the part are not a little ponderous, and rather lead us to suspect that the ancient Roman audience had but feeble powers of appreciating a ke. Viewed indeed as a dramatic composition, we cannot understand by what process of vitality the Hunuchus should have not only survived its night of first production, but have maintained its existence through near a score of centuries to “be received with applause” in this enlightened nineteenth. The plot is indescribable (at least in these pages) aud were it not for the life which the youthful actors somehow manage to throw into them, half the jokes which enliven it would, we fancy, fall as dead as the language in which they are written. In short, there is no principle, and but little interest : and the only really striki situation in the piece, is that where Parmeno gets his ears boxed. Nevertheless, its intrinsic merits notwithstanding, the play has been revived at Westminster with complete success. And per it is lucky for us that we possess a Lonp CuaMBeRLatN, for such is the fashion just now for brancieiing sayting that has been anywhere successful, that we should probably soon be having the Lunuchus “adapted from the Latin,” but inasmuch as it would puzzle the cleverest “old Westminster ”'to translate the Zunuchus, so that decent ears might listen to it, we think we may rest satisfied that its soporific witticisms will be confined, appropriately, to the dormitory at West- minster, where their production once a twelvemonth, for a season o three nights cannot, certainly, co much harm, and may tend in some degree to the prevention of that puerile dulness which “all work and no Play ” is proverbial to ensure. Icworance (Coalheaver reading the newspaper to companion),—Vot’s ’orse de pol oe Is it a war-orse ? TWIN KNIGHTS OF THE BATH. GenERAL CaNnROBERT is made Knight of the Bath with his companion-in-arms Lorp Racian. Her Maszsty binds the two heroes together with the same blue riband: the same bit, for both are cut, as we are assu from the same piece, Of a marvellous texture is this same riband. “The worms were hallow’d that did breed the silk.” Worms fed on French mulberry leaves: and the raw silk imported to Coventry. “ And it is dy’d in mummy, which BgELtona Conserved of herces’ hearts.” No less true is it, that : a couple of centuries ago, while France and England were cutting each other’s throats— “ A sibyl that had numbered in the world, The sun to course two hundred compasses, In her prophetic fury wove the work.” And now it binds Canropert and Racian; and Naponzon and Netson as they wander through the shades—Napr’s arm affectionatel = Netson’s shoulder—laugh and talk about this blue ri iance. We are heartily glad that this grace has been done to our nt ally. We hardly know what compliments we are next to interchange i ani f | unless, indeed, it be thus. When Sebastopol shall have fallen, when the war shall have ended, we propose as @ consummation CanroBert be made an English duke, and Ractan a French prince. The Duke of Windsor—and the Prince de St. Cloud ! A Most Desrmaste Investment.—The Investment of Sebastopol by the Allies. Pea

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PUNCH, OR ‘THE LONDON CHARIVARI 257

| | you write like a Lord. i is to.say, abominably. | “ Even an American would have written better English. Adjust a THE GHOST OF COBBETT TO THE EARL OF subject! Quzsrions, you meant, I presume. ABERDEEN, “<*T trust Sat siecweetiers Lees gees and importance to THE general welfare will not be neglected.’ “ Just look here,| “Interest to the am welfare! I do not entirely u? Ihave been read- ' flogging women ing your Speech, - When I ap ating se san rae ech, I mean | ot thet which oe es —, jer “peut Such .# sentence ought to ensure toa Jad of fourteen, a whipping which would makeeven your House of Lo and which CRanwortH, | your precious Chancellor, vale! easy seat. ‘Subjects (again) ‘of imterest to the oe presen: resented to the Queen) «yy, with impnd that I find i she might read it to. fate for the sake of hnung fot’ Kaen gg rds, mmons, | J . The Women, and Reporters, | ‘ge, bee that ax Grape we Tin stoeneatt tha on Tuesday last. The | Parlioment exhibits the example of a united be rubbish ZEN, of course, had mo-|iput for its clever subflety, which a Polenent to do with the com-| represents the people. The last sentence is clumsy, ‘ thus’ pein, and hou you, and the ‘érust +f connection, But the sexttiment is unex- —, ‘weptionabl I quote the passage :— dence, -will accuse me of | ~y tabs feel assured that in aonmmaitiieaiaaaitilenniitman will exhibit Sen YOU hN0W so the-world the example of a sentted ‘Thee shail we obtain Seauit af ether that [ mean nothing of nations, and may trust that by ‘the af Gop we shall bring the war toa suocessful Ss the kind. I am writing to | termination.’

and about you, Old) “trast that we shall. But we shall not, while the country tolerates — oman, | you as Prime. “You never had so good “T remain, ABERDEEN, 2 Speech in yhich strong | | Oridiron Daitage, a EN, in which strong - ” : things could properly ‘be * Dethe Bank.” “Wrooam Oossetr's Guost. said in_ a strong manner. _ ni _ blown : — - have a —_— blood in a| me with the music. You have preferred to squeak upon a penny CRESCENT. whistle, and to squeak out of tune. The Speec hi is the very worst THE SONG OF THE Oat over was delivered. However, I shall confine myself to a notice Do the eétibrretedl Dune of “ Au Clair deta Dune!” i grammar “You cannot get through the first line without a ‘Scotch mull.} —— ~~ @ —— ae, ae “* Thave called you'together at this UNUSUAL period of the year.’ Le Cae sa plume ’ sur le “Tune” “What do ‘you mean by that, eh? ‘Why isthe period of the year Pour un mot. Cod Save the Queen. unusual? fs it unusual to have aagpent or to have December, or to “La Torque est morte, Et la France apporte have a twelfth of December? The period is not unusual. What I Ou n’en faut que peu, Aussi son secours, suppose rou — ‘was, that it is unusual for Parliament to meet in A moi donc la Porte, Pour sauver la Porte i wy eould you . pio ~ a pene have hye Protégé de Dieu.” De ce vieux phrase) is jd (pln) eae nae © ee Andee dele lame Au clair de la Lune, ell, you go on— - Répond la Turquie’: On n’avance que peu, “* That BY your assistance I.may take such measures’ [With assistance] ‘as will | © he moque de ta plume, Maia ee f enable me to proseeute thé great war in.which we are engaged with the Bnet vigour.’ | D he: aussi. En ® battant ‘de Ia 20 rte We are not engaged in the war with the utmost r. What) oe von hp mg Je n’ sais ¢? qui arrivera you mean is, that you want measures by means of which the war | De toutes rapines Mais quant a a la Porte, " ted with the utmost vigour, not that you do, but you Jusken eananies” Caer ta. 1 6s 8 as A. | down for her what you meant ? “* T cannot doubt that you share conviction of the necessity of sparing no effort to caguad ig fore noe cogugel ta te Orimea! o ” “This is not ungrammatical, but a weaker, sloppier phrase for the |

may wished Queen Victoria to say that youfdo. Then- why not write | | The Question -hg @ do they do it?

A Pantsran Critic, possessed of mo mean allowance of brain, and — description of a strong act was never . But you cannot lon adhere evento such English a tha. m See a ne ee oe “© The exertions THEY have made’ [mean writing—why not have said, which my | paynot understand how so many human beings can ~~ found year after poemape von ate and the vietories thay have.obtained are not exceeded in the brightest year to do it when they might 0 em swoid t—for of all easy things “How can exertions and victories be exceeded in'pages? Exertions pe le re — + ghar ameey™ g ‘owwnte a {you had better have ep eng ae yt: dor pages are pauper, Pp eidinsaee t brings them together us if they were A Great Man in tis Own Way. of the same nature. What you nieant, was, that ‘the brightest pac (Minerva ee hy of history record nothing exceeding im merit’ .A Nontz Lord considers that the Czar i is a great cont om, bbe ‘but = yo in | glory the exertions,’ &€ a hag | direction. Certainly, Vy mek Ss ne ue afficien Pwrrno ness W ich was conspicuous in JONATHAN ee been ae maGasnan, ten aeheal © Bip mec Rere ated a nO” he is hg epg y —ass more than ery there is m0 “Co-operation with ane or what ? ou mean that the troops question that he is going own . <0 everybody's co-operated with each other? Of leat t but you do wot question is, where can he expect to go to mean that. But & not say with whom Bey 0 co-operated. Why not have said that they co-operated with ‘my forces?’ Because

| FLANNEL FOR THE CRIMEA. “ But this co-operation with nobody niet. pte her fm Ba Ses ar 150 nee be nn dicguat te Hee tent 2 re ee ns Me cnn Oana es scongent i is right. Such bricks make the most glorious firesides. “ Slipslop, again! Do you know what cement is? v4 do you know |

@ union is? A union means an accomplished fact, to use Gallican A Very bad Cause. arn How can more cement be used af/er a union? My brick- Arrpr the lame display of Mx, Stoney Heanerr the other apprentice could teach you better. on behalf of his chief, the causeof Lorn ApsnpEEN ey “ ©T have also concluded with America, by which as the cause for which Sipwey feller xather fio discussion have been adjusted — ¥ ae Saree Ce of Patliamenlary dhownlon.

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2d Do, “ Wor’s THaT?” lst Do. (emphatically). “Tas Brsnor!” PIN HER!” TL’ ANOTHER BIT FROM THE MINING DISTRICTS. 1st Collier. “Surrey, DUST THEE KNOW THE BIsHOPr’s COMING TO-MORROW?” 2d Do. “Ot DON’T KNOW WHAT THEE MEAN’ST, BUT MOY BitTcH, ROSE, SHALL (DEDICATED TO M. CLICQUOT.) Kine Faiz is a poor old fellow, He sits where the beakers shine, And he raises his hand—so mellow That he spills half the Cicquor wine. : Hurrah! hurrah! burrah! for the Cuicquor winef | For the Curcquor wine, The Scholar forgets all his learning, The Sovereign his People’s woes : And the bloom of the grog is burning ! Like fire in his ruby nose. Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah! for the Ciicquor wine ! For the Cricquot wine. f ue ill There lies he, what drink has made him, will His eyes have forgot to shine : ‘all He calls, where his cups have laid him, unit For a draught more of Circquot wine. 2 Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah! for the Cricquor wine! y For the Cricquot wine. ** Oh, come to a poor old fellow !” He shrieks, whilst his eyes run bri “ Anraise him an’ lesgetmellow Wizh a draughmore o’ Ciicgvor wine. Hooshaw ! hooshaw ! hooshaw for zhe CrisHquot wine ! For zhe CricquosH wine !” / ? “THE BRIGHT POKER.” Mr. Bricur’s Russian letter will, after all, it is said, do good ; inasmuch as it has stirred up. the manly hearts of Manchester to the work of patriotism and charity. More money, it is expected, will in the’ end be obtained, by virtue of the Muscovite missive. What says GorHe—we believe a favourite author of Mr. Briext’s P— ‘ . “The adversaries of a good cause are like men who strike at the coals of a large fire. They scatter the coals, and propagate the fire.” After this manner may the member’ for Manchester, by his blow at the fund, prove himself no other than a—Bright oker. A Prize Ciry— WHEN THEY GET IT. — MENSCHIKOFF has promised his troops, that if he once = Constantinople, | he will instantly deliver it up to Cossack and rapine. THE LIFE PRESERVER. Sr Joun. Manpeviize tells us of divers isles in the Perilous Valley that is a part of the golden cloud-land of Prester Joun. Now beyond this vale is a great isle inhabited by giants. And these giants have been seen to. ships, taking men out of them and bringing them to land, “ two in one: hand, and two in the other, eating them going, all raw and alive.” Even as men would peel the pulpy flesh of a new fig., Men built of mere flesh and blood, the mortar unmixed with any grain of fancy, may shake the head at this story. We believe it to the letter: we cannot but do so; for every week here, in the ‘Perilous Valley of London, the fog-and-smoke-land of Presbyter Victoria, do we not see men—giants of Mammon—eating other men ; holding them in either hand, as they would hold a bunch of radishes, and munching them raw and alive as they would munch and swallow that pungent vegetable ? Did anybody ever hear of the Life Preserver insurance office? One Fuicut is the beneficent projector thereof; and at the present hour benevolently insures the lives of borrowers. Very precious must their lives, seeing what they pay for them. It was proved last week in court that Fiient (in the case of ALLEN, the recalcitrant defendant)— “ Usually charged 10 per cent. per annum for loans, and then there was a policy [in the Life Preserver Office], which he retained on of as security. He had had many transactions with the defendant, and on the 9th of July, 1858, the defendant applied to him for an advance of money, and according to witness’s led; trans- action was as follows :—The defendant gave him a bi'l for £100, for which he received & cheque for £84 9s. 6d., a receipt for the second year’s premium on policy, No. 770, and witness charged him two guineas and a half for discount, after the rate of 10 per cent. A farther condition was that he should two Polberro mining shares at the price of 25 guineas each.” The Polberro is supposed to be a mine of virgin gold; the mine et on up to the present time! A hard-hearted jury con- founded the plaintiff, by finding a verdict for the defendant. drop a tear for Mr. Fuicut! We cannot, however, dismiss the matter without offering our mite | of admiration to the ‘genius that thought of the “Life Preserver,” as the name of an’ insurance Office.” Curiosa felicitas! But we have no doubt that as with every other genius, I'Licat will have a list of imi- tators. After the Life Preserver, will inevitably come the Garrotte— the Revolver—the Bowie Knife—and the Hocus. A REWARD.—FRANCIS ROBERT BERTOLACCTI. Wuerzas, one Francis Rosert Berrtotacct lias declared himself | the Auditor of the’ Duchy of Lancaster, Mr. Punch will bestow upon | any one giving in fair round hand an answer to the following questions, - = y of _ amen for 1855, printed on best parchment in letters of effulgent — : Who is Francis Rosert Berto.acct ?—What is the size of his, feet since they have got into J. C. Lockuarr’s shoes P—How did he acquire the name of Bertozacct! Is it of Italian wth; or & be | vegetable of the Heralds’ Office? By what means did the aforesaid | Berroxacct endear himself to the loaf-and-fish-giving minister? Was it by mere merit? Or was it by spell or incantation? If by the latter, will Francis Ropert Berto.acci state the terms (private and con- fidential) of the secret ? All communications must be forwarded to Mr. Punch’s office before New Year’s Day. | A Good Thing by W. B. i A Fiovrisn of trumpets—of silver trumpets, too; not brass—for Masor Beresrorp. He has moved for a bill to relieve effects of | officers killed in the Crimea from the succession duty. Very good! | The country owes something to men whose wills are proved not only | in ink, but in their life-blood. Printed by William Bi . of No. 18, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 27, Victoria Street, in the Parish of 3: f Middleses, Printers, at thelr Office in Lombard Strect, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London,and Published by them at No. 8, in County of the Oity of London —Sarvnpar, December 23, 1854.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Sy REHEARSING FOR THE CRIMEA IN ST. JAMES’S PARK. “ Now THEN, Matz, HERE COMES AN ORFINCEER. PRESEND HARMBS |” I \\i } a +H vy Pe F ~ Make READY, SIBTHORPE’S POSITION. _ Aone the few matters that tended to enliven what was in other respects a the most amusing inci \\ — sphere ome, —for iarities. are | i , the daring nature oe prety well known to the Sabor With characteristic Rte Bs Gost always face to face, he is not one om to the cowardice of ding — enemy, or cane properly speaking, an opponent w: is back is ‘ _We admire the tact with which the Colonel effected a diversion in his own favour, for when told that the best lace for him was his own home, and by implicati e ought to be in bed instead of in the House of Com: he discharged one of those pieces of ‘ are always sure to by giving notice, that “ on a future oceasion he should take an opportunity of moving the Reduction of the Salaries of those who sit on the Treasury Benches.” This shell, thrown into the Government ranks, peogees the usual explosion of laughter, which continued Iding both the sides of the House for a few seconds, and coals the gallant Colonel to retreat under cover of his own fire, The Recruiting Serjeant “Abroad. Ir ‘is currently remarked among the medical students, | that in introducing foreign bodies into the system of England great — must be taken to prevent constitutional irritation. Tue Queen’s Service.—Will the Britannia metal, of which the Queen’s Service is exclusively composed, stand fire any the better for a little German plating ? St. Crispry 1n THE Camp.—Now we have no more Wellingtons in the Army, we are going to adopt Cob urgs. PASS TIME OF THE PEERS. Tue other eyening a considerable portion of the time of the House of Lords was occnpied in the discussion of the important question, whether a noble Lord’s argument had been pro rly described as “ absurd,” and whether some other noble Lord ad | been really guilty of uttering “degrading” and “debasing” sentiments. It seems to us rather immaterial whether their Lordships were right or wrong in abusing one another; but it is undoubtedly wrong that they should waste what is usually termed “ the time of the country ” in an enquiry whether the coarse language used by the Peers was appropriate to the objects — which it was directed. Their Lordships may rest assured that the nation does not insist on any explanation, but will be aims @ | satisfied to take it for granted that both sides thoroughly deserved all the abuse they got from each other.’ The discussion went off into an, if possible, still more unprofitable diseussion, as to “ what would have been the late Sir Ropert Pze1’s rg pe ” on some question or other. There be no end to a debate the opinions of dead statesmen are to be made the subject of a post- mortem examination, and the house may as well resolve itself ;into an Sone for the purpose of sitting on the. f subjects are to be disinterred for the guidance of living statesmen. The discussion on what Siz Rosert Peet would have thought might have been got rid of by an amendment, Proposin a Select Committee to enquire and, if possible, ascertain, “ What will Mrs. Grunpy say ?” A Safe Guess. Ir the American President had to send his “ Messages” by the Electric Telegraph, and pay so much for so many words, we guess rather that he would not e them so tarnation long. A Srzciat Demurrer.—In spite of Mr. Sipnzy Herpert’s con- tribution to the Ministerial defence fund, it is easy to prove that the Government has been guilty of some short-coming, as the reinforce- ments have been so long-going. bates of former days, if these | pa. MR. BRIGHT’S NEW WORD. Accorpine to the Morning Post Mr. Bricut says that “The populace are running red-hot after something that will turn out to be a Will-o’-the-Wisp and a delusion.” In urging on the war, Mr. Brigut means. But what does he mean by the Populace ? We did not know that there was such a word in R. Brieut’s book. Is it possible that he means those whom he used to denominate the People ? he intend to say that they are now running after a Will-o’-the-Wisp who used to run after himself? Having fallen out with his friends, does he now abuse them and call them names? Or has a large fortune come to him, or has his right to some in abeyance turned up that he now speaks so contem tuously of the Masses and the Million—termed more correctly the upwards of Twenty Million? Really we may expect shortly to hear Rn. Bricut calling the British Public the Of MoaAol, the Herd, the Vulgar, the Great Unwashed, the Mob, the Riff-raff, the Tag Rag and Bobtail. Mr. Brieut_ought to get himself proposed at the Cariton Club, and introduced at Almack’s. 7 Many a demagogue discovers that the Demos is a Populace when it burnt him in effigy. Disraeli for “‘ All Eyes.” THE orangemen of Dublin avow and declare that— | “ All eyes are now turned towards Mr. Disranui.” | | Have oranges eyes, then? Or do oranges look with the eyes of potatos P Tue Brave Germans.—Some fear that the German soldiers about to be added to our forces will not stand fire. One thing is certain— they will all have been accustomed to stand smoke. Rep Doves.—It is sometimes asked, “‘ Where is the Peace Society ?” The most influential Peacemakers are now encamped before Sebastopol. VOL, XXVII. DD

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260 | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

“WELL! I CAN-NoO7 SEE THE BEAUTY OF SUCH OVER-FED ANIMALB } FOR MY PART.” pore PRUSSIAN MAXIMS. Detays are eaythige but dangerous. Never do to-day what can be done ag well to-morrow. The kettle that ’s boiled too quickly over. The line 6f beauty is a corkscrew: Distanoe lends enchantment to the ‘view—especially of a NeGhampagne 2 Diserétion ie th better part of, Val am & Discrétion is the bebt our. The man who does not fight, has mit, free to hold the —_ of those who do—and to ru away With them if he pleases. If yout neighbour’s house on each side of fy is on fire— what matter P—~it’s all the easier for you to m the pot boil. Anything for a life of peace and quietness !

THE FATE OF THE THETIS, Ham to Cnicquot gives—sure’ dotes— tish frigate for two GiieguoT want a tee ¥ those great cups which hefis wont to fil ? t, than’a Ship "tis true no gift could be ore suitable to Crroquor’s Majesty, Who is of Ocean such a jolly rover, he is always sailing half-seas-over, roy Question for the House of Conimons.

We have no acquaintance with thé of a military Lif, 7 poNz, Sretuorre has mith, and_ perhaps the € inform anybody who may se hin, er, in the ractiee ification, at least when ines are used, there not something very fascinating.

SUGGESTION FOR MATRIMONIAL ADVERTISERS. One thing was forgotten by the gentleman who put the following advertisement into the Morning Post :— MATRIMONY.—A GENTLEMAN, good-looking, aged 28, possessed of an income of #300 per annum, is desirous of meeting with a Lady of respec- tability, and possessing an income of at least £100 per annum. Being himself of an amiable disposition, he has no doubt that, toa Lady of congenial habits, he is in a position to offer a comfortable and happy home. His intentions are straightforward and honourable, and his moral character will bear the strictest investigation. The utmost secrecy will be observed. This gentleman forgot to stipulate that a full length photograph of the party desirous to treat with him should accompany her tender. lady “possessing an income of at least £100 a year,” is an article of such demand in the market that any goods of the kind remaining on hand may be presumed to be damaged or defective. Much needless negociation would be precluded if the hundred pounds desirous of adding themselves to the three hundred would transmit a correct likeness of themselves to that sum. What a pretty collection of miniatures three hundred, or the gentlemen who corresponds to the amount, would get ! To advertise for a ‘wife of £100 a year, indeed, would be a ¢apital way to obtain a gallery of natural caricatures. Every ugly variety of the nose, irregularity of the mouth, aberration of the eyes from the axis of vision, deflexion, contortion, emaciation, or tumefaction of the figure ; every species of disfigurement and blemish : would be illustrated in the replies to such an advertisement. All hope of beauty would be out of the question for the author of the above: the ruddiest ringlets, with tolerable form and features, plus £100 per annum, are quoted at far above £300 ditto. Grey, in combination with venerable good looks, would be his ony chance: or the semblance of youth, exhibited by the oun sisters, would be found, on inspection of the original, to be due to a fallacy contrived by a TRUEFITT.

A Puff Clothed in 40,000 Great Coats. Somes of the papers have been publishing with an amount of iteration that smacks of the advertising columns—an account of an offer to supply 40,000 great coats—at cost price—for the troops in the Crimea. The offer was, in spite of its magnanimity, declined by the Government, who had already contracted for a supply of coats, and therefore the 40,000 at cost price will have to remain on hand. We do not yn, ba the grounds on which the “thanks of the Government” have been given toa tradesman, for an ‘offer by which nothing has been obtained, and Mr. Stpxyey Herpent in conveying them, has only illustrated the old saying of “thank you for nothing.”

A POST-MORTEM PUFFER. SomEsovy advertises a “ Resilient Boddice or Corealetto di Medici.” We should think this must be a very inconvenient article, for inasmuch as| “Resilient” means leaping up again, the Boddice in question must be one that it is difficult, if not impossible, to keep in its proper position, The term “Corsaletto di Medici” is rather puzzling, for if it is meant to be ee of the beauty of form of the VENUS DE Mepict, we are perplexed by the recollection that the Venus alluded to wears no “ Corsaletto ” of any kind, or any “ boddice ” “ resilient,” or otherwise. The advertisement contains an “opinion of the press” on the high authority of the “ Editor of the Courier.’ Considering ‘A | that the “ Courier” has been dead these eight years, the office of Editor

must be a bit of a sineeure; and, indeed, we should like to see the shadowy, being who fills it, for though a newspaper might ibly exist without an Editor, we cannot faney the existence of an without a journal. The Editor of the Courier, however, seems to have been so impressed, during his actual Editorship, with the value of the Resilient Boddice, that now in the days of his Editorial ghosth he wanders about exclaiming (in the words of the extract), w <1] we have any influence over shall in future weat them.” We shit really like, by way of curiosity, to have a return of the names of all over whom the Editor of the Courier (a journal which died eight years ag, and sold its own carcase, by anticipation, to the Globe) — any influence.’

SIX OFFICERS ROLLED INTO ONE. Taxk of the work our troops have to do in the Crimea what i that to the spiritual labour which has to be perhitnke by te Reveren gentleman named in the following paragraph from the Daily News ? “A PLornavisr.—The Rev. C. A. Tuurtow, who has just been appointed to the Chancellorship of Chester diocese, has at present on his hands the a of the lowing offices :—Rector of Malpas (worth £1900 a year), prebendary of York Cathed: rural dean of Malpas, canon of Chester, and chaplain to the Archbishop of Canterbury. Fancy the same officer being Pommigeary, Colonel, Major, Captain, Adjutant, and Aide-de-camp. {fhe discharged the duties of all these commissions effectually, Foohape he would not enjoy iyo high 4 remiu- neration in receiving the pay of each. The same may be said officer in the Chureh- fant who is supposed to do the duties half-a-dozen clergymen. But is that supposition tenable? Can the Reverend gentleman divide himself into six, r ining Ms Vitality as if he Werte a gig : or can he preach or ofiate 80 plates at once? If so, we must not quarrel with the Pops for tis to believe prodigies and propositions which are contraty t common sense.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 261 THE DENOMINATION OF KING CLICQUOT. Crroquor was not po it you wish to dis- known = name o Otepcncs ven oy his ty’s - Im = Taw of = ait = forth fo , © exquisite, toxicating, —=-_ — — st —— == = =. 80 = — at * W - “~ is not, how- . ove, generally known that Nicnoxas, besides being the Godfather who gave Kine Cxicqvor that name, was also the priest who christened him thereby. But as Nicwotas has created himself Pope of the Greek eally is the successor of Perer—it is not at all Church—and he r R wonderful that he should have taken it upon himself perform the priestly operation of which we su e did in the case of Ciicquor, 6 the rite prac y young ladies in christening ships. That is to say, that Ntomoras, in le of the wine christening his . relative, Curcquot, flung a botth 1 so called against his person. Nicnoxas is subject to fits of frantic rage; like the bull, and other brutes. In one of these he has been known—as an eyewitness states—to transfix, with his sword, the foot of an officer who had offended him, and pin it to the ground. To such a potentate it would be a mere trifle to throw bottles. He has since oh-poohed Cxicquot in the most contemptuous manner; and Licquor has endured this insolence with such meekness that, there can be no doubt he would stand any outrage at the hand of NicHoxas, or even at his foot. ; : : But, strangely enough, although Cricquor,has been twice christened, there is nis reason to believe that if his own feelings had been con- anes in the matter of christening, he never would have been christened at all. Some years ago Cxricquot came over to this country: on the occasion of a grand christening, by the by. Perhaps the external splendours attendant on the ceremony, savoured, to his thinking, too much of pomps and vanities, and thus impressed his mind with an objection to it. However, if we remember rightly, Kine Curcquot, about this time paid a visit to Newgate in com with a celebrated Female Member of the Society of mds, and thus accompanied went down upon his knees then and there, and performed his devotions in a public manner, much less, it is tg be feared, to the edification, than to the astonishment, of the beholders. It is impossible not to recall this remarkable demonstration on the part of Cricquor in connexion with what might be called the extremely pacific tendency of his late policy, if that policy, by reason of its timorousness and indecision had not mainly contributed to bring on the war. Still Peace was his object: Peace at any price—except a pecuniary price. Nicuoxas, besides having nicknamed him Curcquot, calls him the Angel of Peace. This brings us back to Cuicquor’s christening, with the reason why we apprehend he had rather not have been christened, which must now be apparent, Take his sympathetic exhibition at Newgate with that which he is now maki , to the admiration of Mr. Bricut and Mr. Conny, and the scornof Europe. Put this and that together, and then say if it is not clear beyond all controversy that Kine Cricquot is—a Quaker ! This conclusion is qmaned by the fact that the influence which at present actuates his Majesty occasions on his part phenomena corresponding to those which were manifested by the primitive Quakers, and procured them that title. His vacillation or quaking of purpose is notorious. Our own correspondent is instructed to observe the costume worn by Kine Cuicquor at his next appearance in public: for we expect that he will soon display himself in his true colours, namely ditto, without buttons, and with a broad brimmed hat, One qualification, however, must be added to the inference that Cricquor has turned Quaker. Not long ago, as all the world knows, he ran up against an apple tree in his orchard, and barked his nose. From deno- | arises of what rel this, besides other false s and courses of an indirect and devious” kind, the conclusion is inevitable if Kixe Cricqvor has joined the Society of Friends, his is what is termed a Wet Quak er, RELIEF FOR THE DESTITUTE. Tr is the beautiful, of the law that every this country may claim relief ; most charmi haye its beauty marred by very ures, A m may indeed claim relief, just as a may order a dinner at the London Tavern, but the claim in the one meet with as little attention as the order in the other. i “yr in some of the metro- politan parishes with to “ye * ey to drive it away, and if poverty were a at the door, t d not be greater anxiety to an it off is displayed by the authorities at a workhouse, A family supplies the materials for an d ing i active game of “ None of m ohild, ”- between the relieving officers of pares Y : belong to us,” cries Saint Geo tute person in, eory may often neighbouring ou don’t rge, sapiigeat pecknga homes tae epadeh ty Wittsshaoel fe borhan eant per e repu a burden th sre te ip Rotherhithe, be ae hed, the questi upposing the or re reac @ question i be given. This is a subject for the 2 retion of the relieving } but, judging by some recent police reports, this “discretion ” is sometimes exercised in a reryrematkabe manner. A few days ago a te female Por ge at the door of a metropolitan workhouse at seven fon a cold winter’s evening, and wanted a night’s | , 3 officer, in the exercise of his “ dis- cretion,” offered “a substitute for shelter. The no doubt ; but we should like to ideas of a relieving off ask him, if he is a marded ma, what he b Would of the wag who, in the event of his (the relieving officer’s wife) being out shivering in the cold peven o’clock on a winter’s evening, should offer her a ortion of a loaf by way of shelter ding. If a slice of bread is facetiously proposed as a substitute for a mattrass, and a piece of crust is humorously offered instead of a roof; we can only say the joke is the ba By it was ever our misfortune to light upon. e heartily commend Sir Rosert Carpen, for having inflicted a penalty on a relieving officer who had presented “bread” to a poor destitute creature, without a place in which to lie her head on a winter’s evening. The officer paid the penalty “under protest,” and if he relies upon some quibble of law, we do not doubt he will find some learned authority or other to agree with him in maintaining any absurdity that will exempt him ftom the legal liability to support a auper not “belonging to the parish.” Great credit is due to Sir BERT CARDEN for the boldness with which he adopted the side of common sense and common humanity, at the risk of eg ay law opposed to him. If the relieving officer ‘should bring his action, Sm Rospert may appeal with co to Superior Court of his ~~ conacleniee, in which, at all events, his good action will be quite justified. DANGERS OF FINE WRITING. In these days of common sense “ fine writing ” is rather dangerous experiment, We experienced the piven We this the other day, when rusing a rather spirited, but somewhat inflated letter, signed W. APIER, we came to a passage, which, at the first glance, read to us as follows :— “ Makes England shore and stare like a warehouse in the midst of cartage.” Having taken a second look at this rather stunning sentence, we found it to run thus :— “ Makes England snort and start like & war-hot#e in the midst of carnage.” If a more familiar style of expression had been adopted, and the writing had not been quite so fine, this little mistake would probably not have happened. = OUR FULL COLONELS. In the course of the Debate on the Militia Bill our friend Sraruorre exclaimed that he “had the honour of being a full Colonel.” We were aware that the Colonel was to! ~+y % of something or other, for there is not a night without that he is full even to © House of Common ay be aceo rimming over in Asai $ m: y om makes a plished in various ways, and Bacon says man ;” ge we doubt if this is, the the gallant Syphs Hoty, Me e takes e performances 0: we me might be headed aperontassly Wik e words— COLONEL SIBTHORPE ' CRAMMED TO SUFFOCATIONOONTINUED OVERFLOWS !

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. f ii Mi | i \I UP TO WEIGHT. Stout Party. “ Anem! I WANT TO HAVE A LOOK at THE Howunps To-morrow! Do YOU THINK YOU HAVE GOT ANYTHING THAT WOULD CARRY ME?” Stable Keeper. “Wut, Str! 1 tank I pave Two Brown OssEs—AND A OMNIBUS AS PERHAPS MIGHT DO IT!” SERJEANT KITE. Tuer ’RE nobly consistent, these Statesmen of ours, In begging Recruits from all ss wers ; And assert the great principle, thanks to whose aid Their own Coalition was easily made, You’ve only to | awe your private opinions, 7 You Germans, Greeks, Spaniards, Danes, Poles, and Sardinians, You Belgian, you Switzer, you Dutchman, you Finn, ‘ Come, join the Queen’s Service, and take the QuEEn’s tin. Your betters have done it—some folks had their views About Franchise, Reform, Oath, School, Ballot, and Jews, About Taxes, State-Churches, and Social Conditions— But @ das with all that, when we make Coalitions ! Come, Pole, take the coin. What bye want, we dare say, Is to fight for the kingdom crowned thieves tore away— You’d better be practical, list, if you *ve sense: You cannot get Poland, you can Kighteenpence. Hi! Sprechen Sie Deutsch’? Here! you, Student Von Krout— You want a Republic, like PLato’s, no doubt. Put that in your pipe, man, and fall into rank. “But for what?” For your money—it’s safe’as the Bank. Come, Spaniard, enlist. Here’s the cash. Join the herd. } What, all the blue blood in blue flame at the word ? “Not be ones with those you’ve professed to despise. And for gain?” You’reaDonkey. Some Dons are more wise. Now, Greek! True, for Scio and Cyprus’s sake You abhor the fierce Turk—but the drachmas you’ll take ? Aye, you’ve not a scruple—on you we rely. You’re ours, till some new, better bidder shall buy. Here, Russian deserter, your kopecks and gun And blaze at the cause from whose ranks you have run. Of course. Why it’s not the first time we've been told How “ later convictions have modified old.” You Dane, though we gave you our Hau-de-Vie Nan, You can’t forget NeEtson—we’ve shewn that we can. Well, we don’t ask your love, flabby son of a skate, Take our side, and the money, and help where you hate. Come, tender your service, you consciences tough. Kine Mam™on’s drum beats, and all scruples are stuff ; To expedite things in our grand Expedition _ We'll send my Lorn Ractan an armed Coalition. If in taking of places it only can do As well as some people in sticking thereto, | ‘ Mr. Russe. will write—(and how well he will do:it)— “*T am happy to say that Szpastoron fuit.” No Mercy for Palmerston. Coronet SretuorPe concluded one of his numerous speeches on the Foreign Enlistment Bill with these remarkable words :— “ The conduct of Ministers was underhand, low, dirty, mean, cowardly, unworthy of Englishmen. Save and except the SxcreTary or STATE FoR THE Home DEPARTMENT, they had no proper feeling. With that exception, the Lord have mercy on such a set. We regret this burst of almost truculent antipathy to Lorp PatmersTon, for we beg to ask, what has he done to render him an exception to the mercy which is asked by Cotonen SretHorre for the other members of the Cabinet ? ? INCONSISTENCY OF THE DERBYITES. Tr is rather odd that the political party which includes W. B. should have eens the Foreign Enlistment Bill. ey, at least, could — ave been expected to object to the services of a mercenary nd, How to MAKE YourseLF Invis1Bie.—Go into the Police. "G0, ON ‘HONag)} [Fs ‘OG AaaNmOR

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ls il FOREIGN ENLISTMENT. If we must have it—for Goodness Sake begin with the Organ Men. (Puncn, No 703. sc-senten certain Pern soe ere DecemBer 30, 1854. |

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an

An Ly A Abolition of Gharles Kean Asews nt a A Ad Pitaem Banbargmoan a Dolenller of bla Gone 3 a After Supper Amusement at Berlina, 245 ve and the Coalhole (The), 199 Dinner at Cremorné (An), 59 Alderman in the of All the Fun of the ty Ament Amatithes of Clonmel Ge Gaol, 13 poe of a Russian Guy Fawkes, 262 dedempcomhare ties, 0 n orp Antidote to Clicquot, 72 . re rane ‘tiek Hien, 61 of t! ) ‘AHotocratic Avalanche om «a Se Cie yO as Boulogne (7) yr benh Co att, — Thoughts (written at. Baltic Broadside (A), 91 Bar, Bar, Black 8 , 18 Base Attempt on the Crimea, 169 Battle of Alma Mater (The), 215 Battle of Balaklava (The), 219 Battle of Guy Fawkes Day yy 220 Battle of the Alma, as fought at Astley’s (The), 185 ), Battle of the Bungs (The), 222 Battle Roll (The), 236 Beadledom in Danger, 231 Behind the Shutters, 71 Belgravian Music EO eae 50 Bella, Horrida omy F Better for Mix oe Between Bull Bear, 43 — =e you, the Ambassador and his Bible Hero (A), 250 os of a Feather, 1 of Exeter's Dead ¥ Wall (The), 248 & “Bi ted Being (Ay 167 of the Gra; Blow for a Puff (A Bomarsund to begin A 92 “ Book in a Bustle (A) 1 129 Bottleholder and the House of Smoke ere Bracki: nee 90 Breakin p hh carried pat (A), 206 Bright Bright Poker (The British Archeological Society (The), 84 Broadside from the Black (A), = , 166 Brooke Testimonial (The (The, —— of the ~~ ion’s Baninoes (The), 28 ALL a Spade a §; Gant of Criticism The), 207 C at, 131 Case of Real Distress (A), 73 Character of Dando (The Oyster Eater), 121 — of (Astley’s) Menschikoff (The), Characteristics of Irish Members, 9 en Baden),

Unt i -or pals Te i Tort

aty by hip ll 219 Charley's (n Cheap Clerica: Hospitality, 298 Orne of Cotfmon Domestic. Life e), 47 Christm: eee ae Ge Stee (0, Circuit Gambo! City of London ~ a 9 Clerical Sherry, 216 Clerks and Clodhoppers, 200 Clerks at Starvation Prites, 106 Clodhopper at the Crystal Palaee (A), 61 College of Real Gookery (A), 156 Coluldrub (A), 247 Common Sense in Regithen 123 Convict of Love (The). 62 Cornish Wrestlers with Famine, 120 Coroners and Railway ¢ Companies, 04 Court leny y for Me (A), 67 Criticism All Hot, 85 Crossing Sweeping as a Fine Art, ~ 266 —_ Treatment of a Respectable Person, s | ee agrees with us!” 287 Curate’s Uniform (The), 228 Czar and his Cousin Nicholas (The), 89 Czar ira (Le), 246 Czar’s Confusion (The), 30 Czar's Forge (The), 178 Czar’s Night Thoughts (The), 58 Czar's Tremendous Sacrifice (The), 105 Dancers of Fine Writing, 261 Day of Absolute Rest (A), 3 De Bello Anglo-Gallico, De Lunatico, 235 Defend your Ma 7 Denomination 0: King Clteqnot, 261 Deputations Waited On at the Shortest Notice, 173 Deserted One of Downing Street (The), 168 Devoted (The), 189 Due of the Dead (The), 173 Dig with a Lady’s Parasol (A), 128 Dinner for Everybody (A), 189 Dirty Money, 27 Disraeli and the Fifth of November, 170 Disraeli in a Beer Ba: 58 Dog Days at the Blu School (The), 59 “ Dogs and Bestags 1” $8 Doubleubeesioraus, 1 Downfall of Downing Street, 23 Drat the Flies! 114 Duke of "oly The), 2 Dying Black Swan in the aaah (A), 142 EpvucationaL Damper (A Electric Story Teller (The), bre} Elevated Court Circular (An), 72 Emperor Nicholas (as Painted Cottman), The, 101 Empire is—Police (The), 140 Evil Eyes on Nicholas, 96 Excuse for Horse Guards, ae as Expressive Doublefacedness, Fate of Franklin and ~ Men (rhe), 177 Fate of the Thetis (The), 260 Fate of Umbrellas (The 75 Fellow with the Scyth Serta (rh), Finale to an Opera _ rd in Poet's Commer, 58 English Officer (The), 79 Finst Cous to Nicholas (The), by Deli

First Relteae in Australia (The), 044 Fleas and oe at the British Mu- Flowers a the hada hs Flowers of the Ay ik 120 Freneh From Windsor rn 8t. es Be et Gauuant Forty-Sixth (The), 71 Governments — —— (The), 108 Gene ew of Greece, rman Tinder, 237 Ghost of Cobbett to the Earl of Aberdeen (The), 257 Give us the Paperwho's ae 104 Glut of Great Creatures (The), 176 Glut of Great Tragedians (A), 125 on Going, Gone, 165 ood News for Gockney Travellers, 110 Good Thing w.B Government Destitute &c.) Great Debate Nuisance (The), 22 Great Man (A (ney ise 197 ), 250 Great Pig Question Great Taptub Case Great Tragedian an thet itisen (The), 157 Greater Man than Nicholas (A), 193 Hat in want of & Place (A), 229 Heartsease for the Czar, Hide and Seek Market (The), 122 r Classes’ Encouragement Society ), 205 its on down ye Shows, 180 , 225 the World Mais Ruled, 112 they Treat Truth in Russia, 190 ~4 4 ty bh ‘ow to Beat the Russians, 59 iow to Manufacture a Dancers, 176 low to take Cronstadt, 21 How to test a Nation's eopstetiy, 154 Hush, Boys, Hush! 188 IMAGINARY ae ann jp pis Important the Seat o' ar own Bashi-Bozouk), 1, 11, 21, 31, 41 tat tant Mowing to the (Female) Heads ates co Barly Closing (An), 70 merica has an _— Property . his owh Nose? 185 In Re Sebastopol, 4 Infallible Specific, 161 — habits of Ministers, 57 ron Age of Theatricals (The), 134 i Jack’s Holiday,” 200 Jenkins on a Beer-barrel, 1 Jeremiah Smith and Wiltiem Staggers, 75 John Bull’s Share of the Battle, 156 Joke by a Teetotaller (A), 218 Jolly ions, 81 4 Jolly Prisoners (The), 205

Jonathan’s Baby Show, 164

(The; Lord Mayor's Show ), 179 Lumley’s —— view, 13 Marne Model Law, Making Game of Poetry, 164 Man at the Wheel (The), 76 Man with the Mild Eyes (The), 158 -Goods, 24 Greatest Event of the Present Session | Many Th — few Words, 3 . (The), 58 » ° Mateimon Institution (The), 296 Growth of a New cw (The), 167 Matrimonial Office (The), 280 Gunnery Practice, 215 Memento M Guy’s Nose put out of J coh 216 Memorandum Young Officers, 82 Hawrpsome Orrer (A), 1 Menschikoff's Retreat, Harvest Home, 103 ee Den March of iatelion an, 83 Mission ey see Marek (A) Mock Jenkins at a Palace (A), 100 Model Bal Masqué (The), 256 Monkey's Allowance, 180 ’s Allowance, Moral of Wooden Cannon-balls (The), 10 More Musical Q: Motherless Children of Fashion (The), 282 Mr. Briefless and the Council on Legal Education, 102 Mr. Bright's Leg, 237 Mr. Bright’s new Word, 259 Mr. Punch to an Eminent Personage, 110, 113 Mrs. Durden on the Blockade, 101 Mrs. Grundy to Mr. Bright, 203 Much Ado about Diplomatic Nothing, 116 Murder from the _— 4 Music for Mars, Music of the Pelitica! Spheres (The), 50 New Names for the tras, po New Police in Paris (The New Wa: Consoen( <7 (A), 158 N bere to 7 nis Fitiow, 70 er, yt Song to the Sick Soldier No Maree 4 the Vulture, 40 No Mercy for a No more Time-Tables, 238 No N in Scotland on © Sunday, 19 ieone ty for the 198 jurses of Quali Crimea, “ Orrenstve and Defensive,” 242

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_ wet The), 217 Youth of the Women of England Pestilence and his Brother, 196 Pet Pigs at Leicester, 186 Philosophical Drama, ef Physic for the Enemy, 7 Physicians in Muslin, 04 Piano in the Farm House (The), 169 Pianoforte and the Dairy (The), 175 Plea for the Pewter (A), 86 Pleasant Cabman (A) = 33 Pocket Lavater whe Poetry in all Thi aly Poetry of Chess (The), 215 Poetry of Parish Clerks, 141 —— of the Present Century (The), 1 Political Chemistry, 142 Political Shaw! (A), 130 Post-Mortem Puffer (A), 260 Poverty and Property, 164 Pour Encourager les Autres, 242 Pre-Scientific Pier (A), 123 Present and the Future (The), 62 Prevision of Punch (The), 4 Prince Albert at Boulogne, 11 Progress of Woman, 134 Protector of the Principalities (The), 44 Protestants at a Premium, 210 Prussian Maxims, 260 Prussia’s Vaciilation Explained, 39 Public Nuisance in Downing Street, 177 Puff Clothed in 40,000 Great Coats (A), 260 Punch against Mawworm, 115 Punch and Pio Nono, 157 and , 221 grace a i ts query (A) a Situations (A), 131 Question is—Why do they-do it? (The), 257 Quiet Streets, 174 Rawee of Russian Rascal W orshi; Real Steam Relief for the ” eat ae 04 neers, 63 atta 261 th the Toad and the Rickety rE rhe) ta Romance and Reality of the Vivandiére, 125 Romance of the Second Column (The), 82 Russian Bear and his Cubs athe) Russian Ducks and Russian Gentlemanin Russian Prisoners and malties (The), 12 ournal- ists, 136 Russian eget Solved (A), 50 Russian T Rassian Trop! os 122 Russian View of Alma, 143 oo Slander u icakeelee ong af the War (4), (A), "70 Schoolmietreas ia Knightsbridge (The) 261 Scolding from Papa Pius (A), 129 Scottish Lions at Three , 48 Sea-Fight of Sebastopol (The), 23 Serenade for Sans Souci, a) 1s to an ym Personuage , 118 Selections from Prince’Menschikoff's Car- riage, 155 — of the Alma at the Haymarket, Serjeant Kite Seven Cases short the Police, 42 Shakspeare Protection ne (The), 225 Shells that Won't Shell Out, 250 — this Catch the Eye of a Policeman, stthorpe 8 Position, 269 Side + ay (The), 139 Sing a Te Deum, 100 Situations for Society, 79 Sledge ——— oe into One, = > ammer ent 1 Sleeves and to aed Song for the Allied Army (French), 246 Song of the Crescent (French), 257 Song of the Devna Camp, 19 ag «Special ° mae (A), 153 from the Throne (The), 239 Spirit of Folly (The), 166 Spiritual Performances, 104 Spiritual Workhouse Gruel, 28 Star —_ (The), 175 Steam Battery (A), 229 Storm in a Kensington (Slop) Basin (A),146 — for Matrimonial Advertisers, ed nies Flower” in the Common Pleas sunday I Band of Hope (A), 189 Sunday for the Superior Classes, 43 Sunday Travellers’ Club (The), o Sundry Rules and Regulations, Sursum Corda, a —e (A), 133 Tae of the Temperance in Temperance Trip t to Berlin, 33 Temperate Advice, 75 Threaten the Threatener, 34 Threatened Annihilation: of the British Army, 96 Three Epochs of Helf a Century, 106 “ Timid Counsels,” 194 Titbit from the “ Invalide Russe” (A), 24 To Mothers of New She Babies, 158 To the Memory of Charles Kemble, 207 To Young Men about to enter the Army,” 89 Treasure-Trove for a Cabman, 42 Treating Russia Diplomatically, 48 Tricks of the Electrics, 64 Turkish Museum (The), 73 “Twice Killed,” 198 Twin Knights of the Bath, 256 Tyranny of Furniture (The), 111 Tyrant’s Doom (The). By Tummus, 146 Urramontays Cras (The), 132 United Happy Family (The), 49 Vacuum that wants filling up (A), 96 Vane Ambition (A), 33 Vauxhall in the Sulks, 91 Vegetarian Eating House (A), 53 Very Dry Leaves from Old Egypt, 126 Victory of Christ’s Hospital (The), 221 Village Hampden in the Church (A), 112- Violent Agi-Tatar (A), 154 Virgin Afioat (The), 1 Voice from Stoke-Pogis (A), 69 Vulgar Traisms, 74 Wastep—Roderick Randoms, 2(5 War and the Bumbles (The), 245 War Exhibitions, 246 War Puffs, 251 We knows yer Feelings, 152 Weeping Birch (The), 7 Ww tion. 256 What a Londoner has Reason to be Proud of, 207 What is a Sausage-Maker? 200 What is a Traveller? 103 LONDON : BRADBURY AND EVANS, PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS. is the German’s Fatherland ? 167 What is the next Article? 114 What will the German’s Fatherland be? | 247 Where Bad Sons are sent to, 75 Where's Miss Cravelli? 168 Who has seen him? Who shall Decide when Doctors Disagree ? 86 Whys for the Wise, Wild-Oat Sowing Machine (The), 9 Witler’s Ss (A), 1 } Wonderful Improvements in England | 198 Wonders of a Russian Winter, 219 ooden Bullets and Wooden Walls, 44 ord for Walker (A ™ Word to Alarmists ( Word with Mr. Baines (A 40 Worthy the Attention of the British Female, 35 Writing Master at the Home Ort (The), 2 “ Yx Subalterns in England,” “ You just let that Tub alone! * too LARGE ENGRAVINGS :— — still Plays on the Scotch Fiddle, Britannia takes the Widows and Or- phans of the Brave under her Protec- tion, 161 Brothers in Arms, 160 Bursting of the Russian Bubble, 149 Cruel Treatment of Russian Prisoners in England, 137 Emperor (with the Mild Eyes) objects to the Naked Truth (The), 191 Entente Cordiale (The), 107 Enthusiasm of Paterfamilias, 213 Foreign Enlistment, 263 Giant and the Dwarf (The), 44 “ Giving the Office,” 233 Holiday, Letter (The), 35 How to get Rid of an Old Woman, 171 Jack's Holiday, 201 Oystria and the Shells, 2 Real “Invalide Russe” (The), 25 Remanded, 253 Return from the Baltic (The), 117 — Bear's Unlicked Cubs (The), 12 Berbe), 1 Frankenstein and his Monster, (The), 15 Sebastopol—A Prayer for the Brave, 126 Selling out, 63 Shooting Season (The), 67 Sir Edmund Lyon’s Brougham, 181 Smoke, 55 Victory of the Wy 148 Water Party (A), 87 “ You are requested not » speak to the Man at the Wheel,” 17

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