Punch 1854: Vol 27

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eee LONDON : | PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET. | AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS, 1854.

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“Nt WHITEFRIARS BRADS' BY ANY EVADS PRIN!

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the choicest South-Down sheep. features, vital, animated ! by the mingled blood of both nations. T will be no more than the proper thing todo. Our_Volume— Mr. Puncn’s Twenty-Seventh Volume— shall be sent, an alliance-offering, to the people of France. To that end, the tome was significantly, magnificently bound: printed upon vellum of How the bright, black ink flashed from the many faces as Mr. Puncu, in his own room, 85, Fleet Street, complacently turned over the leaves,—the faces, alive and glancing; and smiling, and bobbing heads, and mouths curving, and eye-brows lifting,—a thousand faces, thousands of Mr. Puncu reverently closed the book; that he might consider the binding. For Mr. Puncu’s Twenty-Seventh Volume was to be placed for all time on a shelf of polished British oak in the Royal Library of France ; an offering to the alliance that in the year of manful daring, was consecrated The book—we have said it—was significantly bound. On one cover was emblazoned the lions of | England in heraldic field; on the other the honey-bees of sunny France! Strength and sweetness were here together ; even as the honey in the lion of Samson. Ambassador ? Not so? Then how ? And thus were England and France bound together, with nothing but good fellowship, and give- and-take jest and good humour—written and symbolised in the leaves of Puncu—between them. And as | it is in 1854, so may it ever be! | Still—how, how shall we present our Volume to the people of France? Through the French Let us consider it. }

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PREFACE. Mr. Puncu sat in his easy chair—(it was never easier, for his Almanack was done, and like summer swallows, had flown away in tens and tens of thousands, twittering promises of sunshine, and fruits, and flowers)—sat, and pondered the when and the how? Mr. Punca, with his encyclopedic brow in his hand sat and—slept. Forty winks—only forty winks ! Mr. Punen crosses the Channel; haleyons on the wave, and laughing mermaids lifting up their pocket-mirrors that therein Mr. Punca might behold his glorious face! Ma. Ponca lands at Boulogne; his Volume under his arm. A very storm of silver sounds blown from silver trumpets greets his landing. Fishwomen, with coal-black, fiery eyes, and faces fresh as sea- breezes, rush with one accord; catch him in their arms, and carry him to the railway,—French ladies from windows and balconies raining on him roses. The train is off,—and at the Paris station Mr. Puncu is met by the Mayor or Paris and all the municipal authorities. The Mayor, having paid his first compliments, asked where was Lorp Moon, his cher confrére and contemporain? Mr. Pencu, with the candour that has ever glorified his character, observes that he had come to bask in the Sun of Austerlitz, and cared not to remember the Moon of Portsoken. ‘ C’est fort bien,” said the Mayor or Paris; and Mr. Puncu ascended a triumphal car drawn by eight white horses to the Hotel de Ville. There never was such a banquet—and, perhaps, Mr. Puncu was never so eloquent. At the proper time he rose, and presenting his Volume (through the Mayor or Paris) to the People of France, begged to be allowed to hope that the affections, feelings, and interests of the two countries might continue for ever bound together, even as the leaves of Puncn were bound and enclasped by the arms of Britain and Gaul. On this, there was a salvo of cannon that—put an end to Mr. Puncu’s forty winks. Never- theless he resolved to go straightway to Paris that his dream might become a verity. Lorp Crarenpnon having heard of Mr. Puncu’s determination begged that he would charge himself | with the blue riband for Gawerat Canrospert, the same riband that bound him and his brother hero , taGLAN; symbolizing the mutual wishes of England and France that so, for all time, they might be tied up in glory and in friendship.

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ee , Mi! ‘at fy Alas Ma wees |) S THE VIRGIN AFLOAT. Tue Czar lately presented a miraculous image, by way of figure-head, to a Russian three- decker; and afew days ago, Louis Napoteon sent Ais image of the Vinoin Many to the French fleet ; the image was blessed on board the Jnfleridle, and will no doubt be quite equal to the Russian saint, should they ever meet. e do not deal in saints afloat ; merely adopting for English figure-heads, homely unblessed wood cut and carved into Benzows, oom, and Paixce ALBerts. Nevertheless, it is said that the Prime Minister intends to present Ais image to a British man-of-war, that of “ Patience on a Monument,” smiling at Sebastopol. IMPORTANT FROM THE SEAT OF WAR! LETTERS FROM THE EAST BY OUR OWN BASHI-BOZOUK. “ My pear Sir, | “Sm H—m—.r—v said very fairly, ‘My fellow, what can I do | “ Tue Police silently retired about three in the morning, leaving | for you? you are no longer a Chieftain and gentleman of the United | Turrsxin flayed alive, and myself burning with indignation at an| Kingdom; or if you are, I must claim you. I must claim you as a | insult which, though it had fallen on Count ‘Turrskry’s shoulders, had | rebel, send you back to Ireland for trial, when you will be transported | been intended for me. Matitpa Scnouzorr—beautiful, beloved, faithless | to Van Diemen’s Land, where ly you will not act as certain Matitpa—had rescued me from that peril : she had got an TA on the | friends of yours have done.’ ) previous evening from the Police Minister, her father, of the fate that| “I said if his Excellency meant Messrs. M. and N., though I was destined for me. might not possibly approve of their proceedings, yet I was prepared “It was pretended that I was a Russian subject. I had indeed | to blow out the brains of any man who questioned their strict honour, accepted service with the Emrzror—and of what country am I a/and so I tell Ma. Dorry to his face here as I write—tho subject since that day when, a fugitive and an exile, | shook off my|of miles away from home under the battlemented walls of Redout country and my allegiance with the bootless clods of Ballingarry ?— | Kaleh ! nevertheless, writhing at the notion of the insult, | rushed away imme-| “ When his Excellency heard of Turrskrn’s misadventure, he burst diately after breakfast, and sent up a note to our—I mean the English | out laughing as if the deuce was in him, and so did that queer fellow minister, Sin H—u—ttr—n S—m—k, intimating that the M——— of | his Secretary, who was in the room when our interview took place. I B—m— desired to see him: his Excellency knew me as a gentleman | can see for my part nothing comic in the transaction; however, as the before I was an exile; we have danced together at Almack’s and | bastinado been administered in private, a5 all these things are kept the Tuileries many times, and always lived on terms of the greatest | dark in Petersburg, as Turrsxin to this day believes he got the rattan cordiality. ‘on his private account, I agreed with my friends the English diplo- VOL. XXVIL, B eae this. kde eeeeeSe a. oe aah es

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2 matists that it was best for me to make no noise about the business, and to walk the streets as if nothing had happened. “That afternoon, about two o’clock, I was standing before Jacon’s the printseller’s shop, talking and joking with young ALexis Mrnro- LaDOWAX: who should pass us in his brown Droschki, in which the etiquette is never to recognise him, but the Emperor himself! | happened to be cracking with laughter at one of ALEXis’s stories (a very queer one about my friend Couwr Cancrim) when his Majesty assed, ue A man who had been flayed alive at two o’clock in the morning shaking his sides with laughter on the Alexander Platz, at two in the afternoon—here was a strange occurrence! The Ewprrox looked at me as if I had been a ghost: he turned quite livid when he saw me. | appeared to take no notice, laughed and chatted on with Atexis, and pretended to be looking at the brass statue of St. Grecorius Nazian- zeNUS, Which stands in the Place. “ Gallant men never kiss and tell, so [ leave such to imagine the rapturous meeting which took place that evening in the blue saloon of the Winter Palace between me and my lovely rescuer—the pressure of the hand, which, though but momentary, causes the frame to thrill with happiness—the rapid glance of the eye, more eloquent than a thousand speeches. Ob! Martitpa! Can it be that you have for- gotten me so soon, and for a Qu——,; but I am advanemg matters— no woman could be fonder or truer than Matripa was then. “ Tt was, I have said, a Thursday evening, the night of the Empress’s weekly reception. Our Quaker friends had come to take leave; they were to depart indeed before it was light the next morning, and [ recollect Matrnpa asking me why young Mr. Dopkins was not present, whom I had introduced to her family, from which he had reeeived great and constant attention. The young Quaker is a man of enormous wealth, and I recollect Matiipa and myself counting up, in roubles, the amount of the mcome which he receives in pounds sterling for his share of the business. “JT janghed. I supposed Dopkixs wanted to keep his moustaches, and did not care to face his uncle, old Jepepian Dopkins, who with some of the old members of the deputation, lived with an old friend, a serious tallow merchant on the English Quay. “I went into the Imperial presence with the rest, and made my bow to their Majesties. The dear Empress, I thought, turned away her head from me with a very mournful expression, whereas the Autocrat looked as black as thunder. I did not mind his black looks ; made my obeisance, and retired presently into the pink and silver drawing-room, where Fatconnet’s silver bust of the Empress Catuertne stands, and where the Maids-of-Honour commonly sit and have tea; it is ex- ceedingly good at St. Petersburg, as everybody knows, and I drank two or three and twenty cups whilst chattering with these charming gris, “* Presently I saw Mati.pa coming, with a look of great anxiety in her face; she beckoned me to speak to her, and I followed her into the embrasure of the window, in which the Curm and Psycue stands looking out on the Tolstoi Square, “*Oh, my Mutucanovitcu,’ she said, ‘my Nijni, my Moujik, my Caviare, my M—-—, my beautiful, my brave, my best beloved, | have dreadful news for you.’ “ * Speak, cushla ma chree na boclish,’ says 1, (the Celtic and the Sclavonie dialects are very similar), seizmg her lovely hand, and pressing it to my beating waistcoat ; ‘speak, light of my eyes, and tell me what is the matter.’ “* You asked for passports for Prussia this morning at the Police Office, and they were promised to you.’ “ «They were, adored creature ; will you fly with me?’ “*Oh Mu uicanovitcn, (such a heavenly expression of the eyes here) you will never be allowed to depart to Prussia: to-morrow at ten o'clock, somebody who tells me everything—get away you jealous creature, and don’t be jealous of him, or doubt your poor little Matripa, —informs me that you will be seized and sent to Siberia: you are con- | sidered as a naturalized Russian subject. The Emperor laughed for a moment when he heard of poor Count Turrskin being mistaken for you. Oh, dear, dear Mutiicanovitcn, I could not sleep all night for | thinking of what might befal you; but after his langh, he grew more angry than ever, ~— had it not been for the Empress going on her knees to him this very evening, the performed on you.’ “| ground my teeth, crunching between them the execration which otherwise had issued from my lips. To be sent to Siberia—the | thought was madness ! “* Ladies are not allowed to go there,’ sobbed out Martina, divining the causes of my emotion; ‘they will separate me from my MuLLicaNovircn ; they will marry me to that horrid tipsy Turrsk1 ;’ “| don’t know what I should have done in that moment of grief and joy had not Marripa’s mamma called her at this very juncture, and frrid operation would have been PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. leit me to contemplate my fate, and (to quote the beautiful words of | Genera Wovrer), bitterly think of the morrow. “Go to Siberia! I swore I would die first. “ Basnt-Bozovx.” TEMPERANCE IN TRUTH. “Tue mixture of a lie ever pleaseth,” says Lorp Bacon; un- fortunately for himself, a sad authority for the truthfulness of the saying. The Scotch are a mation of philosophers. There is in Edinburgh many a philosopher who, like Diogenes, would live in a tub—if the tub were made a whiskey-cask inside, with “ water-cask ” in large letters painted externally. It must be confessed that teetotallers are, at times, terribly temperate in wate’ ; especially in that particular water drawn from the wel their nostrils as though it reeked with the penal fires of Islay or Glenlivat. But, like Diocenes, they are philosophers, and can lie very comfortably in every sort of cask. The folks of Glasgow, it seems, rejoice in a new local act—may it of truth. Truth’s bucket is as hateful to | remain national with them as the national thistle !—that forbids the | furnishing not only of drink, but of meat, to any man, woman, or child, hungering for a tavern dinner, unless a or child, afore- | t said, are Indwellers of the hostelry, sleeping there ! What is the consequence, as related in the 7imes, by an authenticated correspondent ? Two men are starving for a dinner. ey enter a tavern; are resolutely denied the meal; but at length obtain it, by taking beds for the night! They are permitted the use of knife and fork under the fiction that they are to wear nightcaps! They are allowed to have a fowl for dimmer, on the lie that they take with it, goose-feathers. Such are the beds of Justice in Scotland at this hour ; most truly of Justice, for here she must sleep in them; sleep the sleep of whiskey—the sleep of temperance, temperate of truth ! Doctor Latuam, in his Handbook to the Courts of Natural History for the Crystal Palace, gives specimens of certain savages, who thrust | pieces of wood through the lobes of their ears; and cause the most unnatural projection of the under lip, as offermgs to their sense of the beautiful. Are there no unsophisticated folks who, in the same way, sacrifice to their sense of truth? who project the lip with a Phari- saical lie; and to prove that they do not take the toddy-ladle to their own mouths, insist upon thrusting it through the lobes of their neigh- bours’ ears? We wish Doctor Latsam would adda specimen or two from the natives of Caledonia. THE WRITING-MASTER AT THE HOME-OFFICE. Lorp Patmerston in addition to the many matters he has on his own hands, has been directing his energies to the hands written by those who are under him. It is perfectly natural that the bottle-holder should object to such “fists” as he has oecasionally met with in his correspondence at the Home Office. He has accordingly dealt out a few raps on the knuckles, the effect_of which will, we trust, be satis- factory. The next thing for his Lordship to do, will be to issue appropriate copies to the various departments of the Government. _We can imagine a few of those sentences for copy-books, which in his mixed position of moralist and minister, would most probably occur to bim :— Beil communications corrupt good Lord John Manners. Uf Sibthorp’s bliss, ’tis folly to be other-wise, It’s a long political life that has no turning. Government waste makes National want. The Duke of Decanters. Waew the Krxe or Portvear and bis brother, the Duke or Oporto, partook of the meat-breakfast, genteelly called déjeiner a la JSourchette, at the Mansion House the other day, there were, as we are informed, some curious wines on the table. To the Duxe or Oporto the most curious of these wines appeared, we believe, a purple sort of wine, if it can be called wine, nearly as strong as brandy; and we have good reason for stating, that the Duke’s astonishment was excessive when his Royal Highness was told that this liquor was the produce of his own dukedom. We trust that the Duke or Oporto’s visit to the Mansion House will be followed by results advantageous to the Port of London, and consequently to that of England. An Evil Liver. Tuer say that Nicmotas is labouring under a liver affection—the only sort of affection of which his nature is capable. It a , there- fore, that the Czar is troubled with bile; and there can be no doubt that he complains bitterly of Gaul. A Boraytco-Mzptco Provers.—Patients are Simples that do not grow in every medical man’s garden.

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; scheme for supplying the public with cheap a or for —_ district mesmerizers. For all the | there, and though many drowsy effect as te plunge t | University Bill, allows selves. | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI A DAY OF ABSOLUTE REST. Acaryst Ma. Hume’s mo- tion for a resolution | that the moral and in- tellectual me LY of the working classes | would be promoted by! the opening of collec- | tions of natural history | and objects of art as well as gin-shops, after | morning service on a| — there some one t to ~ to. snd. a re that | Sunday ought ™ = observed literal] day of rest ; so that t the working classes during the intervals between) the servites ought to goto sleep. As ~~ - at will, however, not procurable without the aid of some nar- cotic drug, or infnence, | Mr. Hume’s opponents should suggest some population cannot go te C and all would certainly not be sent to t, yet very few sermons would have such an ‘bearers in slumber for ail the rest of the dag. “4 MISSIONARY CHURCH.” Mr. Hewury conscientiously objected to the clause that, im the Oxford) aeademical honours to stiffnecked Dissenters. As they would not swear amd subscribe to articles, wherefore should they have letters affixed to their names? These literal honours ought to remain the excle-; sive reward of the members of the Established Church as a very trifling com- | ensation for the unceasing care and interest bestowed by that Church upon ail a souls; the more especially on those errant, vagabond souls that were wont to remain unclaimed, going here and there, and nowhere, altogether heedless of the sheep-bell tinkling to the Chureh flock. Max. Hewiey objected to the clause, and the hon. (and revolutionary) gentleman who proposed it must recollect that— | “It was the duty of our Established Church to look after those who would not look after them- The Established Church was a Missionary Church to a large portion of the people. He moved as an amendment, that the clause be read a second time that day six months.” } But the clause—the door-opening clause —was, to the consternation of | Mr. ee and his fellow-labourers in the cause of the Established Church, | the Missionary Church mightily wronged and scandalised thereby, met Bstablished a was a Missionary Church to a large portion of the a o * affeeti lains to us the constant practice of so many bishops and archdeacons. pate and deans, whom we continually meet in alleys and d byways—and always where the poor and ignorant swarm the thickest—in a| | sort of lowly pilgrim-guise, their footsteps tempted and drawn to the abodes of squalor and of vice. Now we know why the Bisaor or Lonpon himself is so | frequently met with in Spitalfields, in Lambeth—on Mutton Hill—in infidel St. Giles’s. He is the model Missionary of a Missionary Church; and he con-| demns and eschews all the Church dramas as produced regardless of expense | at St. Barnabas and St. Paul’s, Knightsbridge, —giving all his heart and all his soul to look after those of the “a ing flock, who “ will not look after themselves.” Belgravia is _, in the piety of her own estimation, but Tothill-fields is running | to weeds, choked Apt ab darnel. May Fair smells her Church flowers, | and sniffs the odie "OE piety from Roman roses; but Kag Fair has not a single | leaf of the Herb of Grace wherewith to scent and sweeten the foul earthiness of | her fallen nature; and therefore it is to Rag Fair and not to May Fair—to the | Place of Tatters, and 2 not to the Feast of Roses, that our Bromrratp—sweetly- smelling syllables!—takes his missionary way, and calls with silver voice to the careless, scattered flock. The Bstablished Church is, o-, the real Missionary Church. Here and there a} Dissenter or two may waylay LORD ABERDEEN’S EXPLANATION. Ir’s very hard, and go it is, To be misrepresented By a set of low press-writers Ill-informed and discontented. So here I am upon my legs To offer ex tion, (Though of what there is to be explained I pause for information. ) a vy 4a m Russian-minded— e charge is quite ridiculous ; Tis five and twenty years ago Since I pitched into Nicwoxas ; Took the liberty to NesseLrove Those same harsh truths to state, my Lords, Which I checked Lorp Lynpuurst, t’other night, For advancing in debate, my Lords. If I now say Russia strives not For extension of dominion, Youll find in my despatch, my Lords, The opposite opinion. In twenty-nine I was in fact Courageously asserting out The very things low writers now Are ignorantly blarting out. % true I said, the other night, I feared not Russ encroachment ; But you ’ll find my words, in twenty -nine, Another view to broach meant ; I doubt if Lonp Crawarcarpe, In his present most rash line, my Lords, ed Russ double-dealing More than I—in eae vt Lords. bs shall a > inp my Lords, whee a Lywpuu rsts Czar now tries to hatch, my Lords. ant" my words im fifty-four, To my words in twenty-nine, my Lords, Are found to be as black to white, Why that’s no fault of mine, my Lords. To political necessities Opinions must give o’er, my Lords ; And the state of si in ‘twenty. nine, Was not that in fifty-four, my Lords. Then I abused ee Russians, But from fi L forbore with them . Now I defen the ussians, But then we are at war with them. But you need not be alarmed, my Lords, Lest this should check our action ; If I’ve deprecated war, my Lords, (As I own with satisfaction, ) If my speeches in the house have worn The tone of Russian pleadings, In the Cabinet. I ‘ve always wane The most vigorous pr a For my effort it has always been ‘Lo exert my ingenuity In Pre ox J up *twixt words and acts lesome incongruity. Large words and great deeds too, is waste At Lasge won my Seoten heart bleeds, my Lords, So ve allow me to sing small, England does great deeds, my Lords. The Bashful Museovite. nd redeem a black or copper-skinned barbarian— Tarne is a great deal of truth in what Lonp ApernpeEn rejoicing in the treasure of Pa = and Patagonian peel it is the Biswor | says. We ought not to be too hard upon the Empvnon or Lonpon, and such as he, who, wandering forth in the savage places of the British | NICHOLAS. ae my have hastily accused him of unseru- | metropolis, call in and secure the wat dering sheep whose footsteps would otherwise | plamcome city Ce ps by evacuating the Prineipalities, | w exbi print their way to perdition ! himself as quite a retiring charaeter. Suoutp AsEeRpEEN Have a Sratvu? — Certainly he ole host of De-Luders. | should—the “ statu quo ante,” Op Nick’s Last.—Nicwoxas has been so misled by the reports of his generals on the Danube, that he declares he has one LupERs there, tase

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

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nN y mii ¥ py = Old Lady. “ Goopxess Gracious, Mr. Boatwan! Wuat’s THat?” Stolid Boatman. “Tuat, Mum! Nuruox, Mom. Ovty tHe Artiurery a Prac-7rstx’, axD THAT’s ONE 0’ THE CANNON '1 99 BaLLs WHAT’sS JUST sTKUCK THE WarTeER!!

THE PREVISION OF PUNCH. ALL THE FUN OF THE FIELD. Mr. Poncn has never been mesmerised, and rendered cataleptic, or| Is the course of a recent tour through a rural district, a corres- a somnambulist, It is impossible to throw into a state of sleep one so pondent informs us that he met with as many as three jokes. These ; constitutionally wide-awake. In short, the clairvoyance of M/r. Punch | facetia were all included in one field, namely, a wheat field, and the is natural lucidity. The faculty of clear-sight is nevertheless possessed consisted, each, in two bundles of cornstalks twisted into ropes, f by Mr. Punch, in a much higher degree than what would suflice to tied across a narrow path bisecting the crop, by which ingenious ar- enable him to perceive, through his office wall, what mizht.be going on | rangement any person walking that way in the twilight would ‘be in the adjoining establishment. Recent accounts from Russia represent | tripped up, and the result would be a bit of fun—no less, perhaps, than | the Emperor of that country as being afflicted with a bad leg, a’ the fracture of his legs, or nose, or skull. Being a stolid kind o n, | “mind diseased,” and a pertinacious liver complaint. Everybody who | our correspondent destroyed these jokes with his mat weet os He knows anything of medicine will infer that the bad leg and the could not concur with the rustic mind in considering breaking a limb disordered intellect in all probability depend on the diseased liver. Did to be cracking a joke, and did not reflect that by hindering somebody not Mr. Punch, before the war, when hostilities were only imminent, | or other from getting crippled, he spoiled sport. declare his conviction that their outbreak would be the eruption of the Czar’s internal evils: that the insane course which NicHoLas was - TSS pursuing was the consequence of a mental affection, arising from a bilious disorder? Did he not even suggest blue pill? ‘The few locks which | MURDER FROM THE FRENCH. adorn the head of Mr. Punch are now in the state of the quills of the | 2 : . , “ fretful porcupine.” He is, like Prorgsson Katrerreto with his | an trust ~~ az ag } eee he be taken ae > e— - hair on end, wondering at his own wonders. But what is the use of f a ¥ pom treated b M. \ th Con Y wondering at the high truths of medical philosophy? It were better to | of la _ iove both black hit whe villai wend th whem - {His apply them ; and save, with a few grains of mercurial pill, an immense | ——_ P aid to be ~ *: 3 on we ‘tie . we nN | quantity of human blood. | changes are said , by certain of our cri most marvellous. ay thinking public is called upon not to wonder at the rapidity and variety = : ——- of the moral and YS emotions of a player, but at the miraculous G t : rapidity with which the actor changes his . Thus, as usual at The Game of Russia. | the Princess’s, the inspired dramatist is the tailor ; and the poet’s steed, Srratecy is generally considered to resemble Chess ; but the retro- | not a Pegasus, but a clothes-horse. rp ameanagy of the Russians across the Pruth looks rather like ae -Gammon.

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: , Ovr Piovs Premier.—It is universally admitted that Lory AnzR- Q. Wnur is the drum in an orchestra like the Government ? DEEN’s explanation is the most conspicuous act of Aumble-piety on A. Because it is beaten almost every night. record.

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(‘Pest ‘Bg ATAe ‘9/9 ‘ON ‘HONODG} i >) , 7? | 1 | : | § 3 i] i } : | 5 {| i] | i a fl

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. . at Te . . it oo 5 oye

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| | common occurrence, and gave great annoyance to the aristocratic classes on their way to the opera.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 7

[ozone shout [ Connon, and that his, defendant’s, tigaw was a deuced EY MURRAY. Sharp lit iW. LAW AND LINDL uv | _ Several old members of the club pressed for a severe punishment, as T is generally thought that the they said that the offence was so common as to render the place quite precedent set by one of our most unbearable. The young fellows went lounging about in their all-round distinguished English Judges, in collars, gobbling out the most ridiculous sounds, and fancying they not only giving judgment upon were talking. the merits of a case tried before’ The defendant hoped that the Court would think it didn’t mattaw him, but in deciding upon the what a parcel of red-faced old pumps thought on the subject. right pronunciation of a word lLorp Camppe.i said that extraneous matter had been imported used in the pleadings, has given into the case on both sides. The Court had no jurisdiction over collars great satisfaction. A series of or red faces. But the defendant stood self-convieted, What had he cases has since been heard, in to say? which various offenders agaist The defendant said that a gentleman liked to speak differently from the laws of language have been vulgarians, and as the latter clipped the Que#n’s English upon all amerced in divers penalties. The occasions, it was the duty of a eal subject to make as much of it as following is a report of Satur- possible. day’s sittings : Lorp Campsett said that the defence was plausible, but would not do. The proper way for a gentleman to render his language different COURT OF QUEEN’S BENCH. from that of vulgarians was to take care that it was precise and accurate, and the vehicle for good sense or true wit. As the de- (Sittings in Banco.) fendant seemed desirous to do what was right, he would aceept his

o'clock, said that the paper havin reading Punch for one | ’ tm heen gene ieoaae he ~~ The defendant gladly gave the undertaking, and was discharged. his brothers were ready to take any cases of bad language. _ The remaining cases presented little of principle and nothing of Several Barristers immediately left the Court. It was observed that , terest. some of them were gentlemen who had obtained notoriety by abusing it ; > agistrates of limite rers of — ee pane og coroners and other magistrates of limited powers o | WEEPING BIRCH. THE QUEEN 0. LOKD JOHN RUSSELL, VistTants to Westminster Abbey have of late been greatly alarmed The defendant was charged with habitually offending against Her and excited by supernatural movements exhibited by the monument of Masesty’s English, by making a noise sounding like “ obleege,” when Dr. Bussy, considerably more striking than -~ which are made b he was supposed to intend to say “ oblige.” the miraculous Madonnas of Italy. The image of the deceased sehool- The defendant pleaded guilty, but urged that a hundred years ago ™aster is from time to time observed to shake its head in disapproval, his pronunciation was the fashionable one. It was derived from the and to knit its eyebrows and frown with awful severity. These French. extraordinary phenomena first appeared the other morning, when a Lorp Campsent said, that in the case of Jonny Kemste v. the evolutionary leading article came out in the Daily News, suggesting Prince Recent the dictum had been, “ It would become your Royal the abolition of flogging in public schools. The marble heart of any mouth better to say ‘oblige.’” The rule was clear, Had the defendant pedagogue of the old school would of course be violently moved at the anything further to say ? idea of being deprived of that gratification which it derives from the he defendant said that he had once visited the Lyceum Theatre, ¢*ercise of the rod. To indemnify old scholastic gentlemen for the and had heard Mn. Frayx Marrnews say, in a burlesque ealled loss of the delight which some of them seem to take in whipping our every day, during the intermediate time. Belle Musd~— children, they might be permitted to officiate as assistant executioners ; “With any advies shout the siegn | to do the flogging in the prisons: and in order to provide them with The Field-Marshal therefore cannot obleege.” | Sufficient work, a law should be made punishing the maltreatment of ; é j / women with flagellation. There may be some doubt whether the whip Lorp Camprseut said that this proved that the defendant had been warned. The object of burlesque—and he was bound to say that such | but it is unquestionably one very suitable for unteaching a ruffian his

| object was usually attained—was to ridicule what was absurd, by push- ‘inhuman cruelty. ing absurdity to the extreme. The Court did not desire to be hard upon the defendant. Would he undertake not to repeat the offence ? . The ~—— said = — — endeavour to conform to the THE AWAKENED CONSCIENCE, customs of the day; but he believed that in Magna Charta— . . He was here somewhat hastily removed from the Court. Mr. Brotnerton has, we are happy to see, been doing his duty | lately, and endeavouring to bring the preposterous sittings of the THE QUEEN ¥. RICHARD COBDEN. — to an —- -— oe = He has — the a ge : . . se times after midnight on the question of adjournment, an The defendant was charged with laying a false emphasis upon the | °C’ : : . Be third syllable in the word inimical, which he pronounced inimscal. though he has not generally carried his motion, he has so far broken in The defendant said that he had not intended to give offence, and that —o ent tos => ne ee pee Sepeeees, — heard the same pronunciation from the Treasury Bench last mye be not ts rebuke our Baorannecy, for the facilit Y va which “jeer . ‘ 4 66 - he had been yielding to the oppression of the Government behind which vi leamuras” Lanphter, ‘ie whek “obo y he tele os he sits. That shake of the hat at the Speaker, and that deprecating oan pedantic—wh Gibuss he Qaieas cur qovecter ent ehenter? | half-smile, which said that it was really too bed to go on at that hour, The defendant y dischaswed with a ennti —— ** | were all very well, but when Mar. Frrznoy turned round with a good ee ‘natured fierceness, and motioned Mr. Baotuenton to sit down, or THE QUEEN %. THIRTEEN CABMEN. >" a a up with wild amazement, og ae, ’ e ° , . “My goodness, here’s a man wanting to go to bed!” Mr. Bro- P The defendants were charged with having said they were going to! eyepron had no business to be quelled, and to resume his seat, He Th to the Adelphi Thedter. = abominabl lies should remember that his legislative mission is to send the other e police gave evidence that this abominable pronunciation was of members home to their amiable wives; and if he allows himself to be put down, the ladies have no helper left. The man who would refuse i : / , ies i - lieve virt ‘ it The defe spadieGah fh wes the ealinssp-quemundation <f ts to drive members into the lobby to relieve virtuous females in solitude

nero ieneantion, - distress is unworthy the name of a Bnoruzrton. Lorp Campsett said that it was intolerable, and sentenced the == : = whole of the defendants to be civil to their fares for an entire month. The defendants were removed, one of them remarking that the sen- THE MUSCOVITE ROMANCER. tence would be the death of him. Owe would think that the Russian journal, the Invalide Russe, was THE Q din. em onan so called by reason of its statements being continually invalidated. The defendant was charged with having used continuous bad lan- s ae guage through a whole afternoon, at the Conservative Club. He was| Tue Mopern Parwassvs.—Since the promotion of the ae = to have said that the rain was a baw, that Mapemorsexze of the Penny Postage, St. Martin’s-le-Grand may be called the English UTHER was a charming creechaw, that Loxp Dexsy had come out! Parnassus, for is it not the abode now of England’s Hix of Letters ?

Lorp Campsent, at three Own bail for his a apn that day month, conditionally on his | is a proper instrument wherewith to teach tender youth humane letters, |

Pe Tha een “hana ts

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Page 12

PALACE. ITHOUT intending to com- pete with the high autho- A rities who are entitled to earry half the alphabet at me the end of their names, , / and who are men of letters / consonants as well as by other attributes, we pur- . pose furnishing a series of hand-and-glove books to the Crystal Palace. Without any further preface, we shall at once Refreshment Room, leave the Paris Chocolate Com- pany on our right, thread the mazes of marble tables, and darting through the Sereen of the Kings and Queens of England, PUNCH’S HANDBOOKS TO THE CRYSTAL by virtue of a long row of dash up the stairs of the we shail find ourselves in THE DEPARTMENT OF NATURAL HISTORY. This forms naturally enough the first object of our investigation ; and e prepare to treat of Ethnology—a word “which every schoolboy knows,” but which nevertheless everybody thinks it necessary to teil everybody else is derived from two Greek words, and signifies the science of races. Some people would interpret the “Science of Races” as “the art of winning the Ascot Cup” or “ Making a Book for the Derby.” Almost every word ending m “logy,” is a scientific word; and perhaps the many disputes arising ow of the various “logies ’ may have given rise to the term “loggerheads,” a state at which the learned are apt to arrive in the course of those bickerings which a love of truth and a dislike to each other will sometimes generate. Ethnology means the science not of races in general ; for if it did, it would be peculiar rather to the Turf than to our common clay; but it is the seience of the human race in particular. In the Crystal Palace it has not been thought necessary to make a collection of the specimens of European objects, for there will always be found among the visitors themselves a collection of living curiosities of the various populations of Kurope. Of these a moving cosmorama will be constantly kept up, and a little comparative anatomy may be quietly studied, by reviewing the bearded fop side by side with the Chimpanzee in his primitive condition. Several of the specimens of Ethnology in the Crystal Palace are to be found within the Arctic Circle, though there are some equally extraordinary objects within our own circle, if we are disposed to study theth. {n the general arrangement of the department of Natural History, an attempt has been made to group together the botany and zoology of each locality, a plan which may be familiarly illustrated by placing under a glass shade, a costermonger, a donkey, and a thistle. In this interesting group we should have ethnology represented by the man, zoology would rear its head in the donkey, and botany would present some of its finest points in the thistle. Among the foremost objects is a group of East Indians belonging to India Proper, and (judging from their costume, which is not so shockingly scanty as it probably is in India Im-proper), the epithet “proper,” is not altogether unmerited. The complexion of some of these Indians is as black as Indian ink. Nearly every face has the same stamp, and the process of stamping seems to have been carried out with considerable violence, causing the countenances to become so flat that no one could call them handsome without being disposed to flatter. In India there is a system of caste, which means that the son walks in his father’s shoes—if the father happens to have any. If the father is a blacksmith the son is a blacksmith, and indeed all the Sirus are of necessity black, except perhaps a few of the Browns | for brunette is one of the colours that the hand of Nature has rubbed ; into the faces of the East Indians. ‘The Malays are given to the habit of tattooing, and they sometimes proceed to such rivalry in the art that one will do his utmost to beat the tattoo upon the other. Among +h incidentals of the Malays may be noticed certain dental operations, such as dyeing the teeth, and filing them down to the gums, | for few can wait patiently till they are sufficiently old files themselves for their teeth to wear down to the desired level. Leaving the East Indians we will now take a glance at the people | of Sumatra, who are chiefly remarkable for the form which the PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. moustache movement has taken among them, for they seem to wear on the upper lip an arrangement similar to that of the Ramoneur with which modern civilisation sweeps her chimneys. We now turn to Borneo, but we are not sorry to turn away again from a tribe whose fashions are not by any means of an engaging character. ‘he favourite dress seems to be nothing but a head-dress, which consists generally of a bandeau of human teeth, and some- times a hat, similar in shape to those worn by very young ladies at the sea- side, but trimmed with such strings of molars and incisors as to suggest the idea that the parties must be proud of their extraction from the heads of families. The Dyaks of Borneo are said to be divided into one hundred various tribes, but it cannot be said that “variety is charming” in the case of any one of them. They are fond of accumulating skulls which they hand down from father to son; but as these heads are | collected by hundreds, it is difficult to say under what particular head we should class this strange pro- pensity. To such till he has presented his bride wi somebody ws skull; and unless he has cut off another persun’s head, he is not allowed to become the head of a family. One of the most ordinary weapons of the people of pipe, which is capable of inflicting a fearful blow, and by means of poisoned arrows establishing a rather nasty wound with remarkable nicety. We next arrive at New Guinea, a name of which nobody knows the origin, and we may therefore hazard the conjecture that the people of change, and e¢alling for a new Sove- reign. Their fashions are easily de- scribed, for their costume consis‘s of hair dressed a la Thillon, with a necklace of fur, and a waistband of matting. The ladies of New Guinea carry the decolleté principle even further than our own, who seem nevertheless to have borrowed the practice of wearing nothing on their necks, from some of the tribes we have been noticing. The arrangement of the hair is one of the chief employments of life, a point in which some of our drawing-room belles resemble the barbarian coquettes of the Archipe The “double skirt” has its origin in the double petticoat of leaves worn round the waist by the women of New Guinea, who dye their hair with ochre, and | perform other tricks which are not uncommon among the fairer portion of our highly civilised metropolis. We must not pass coldly over the Arctic Regions, of which the Great Bear seems to be the star. This animal, or rather his skin, was brought. home by Captain InGLerreLp, who, it is believed, embraced the opportunity when the Bear was preparing to embrace the gallant Captain himself. Among the North American Indians we recognise an article in trowsers, which would certainly be labelled as “the fashion ” in any cheap clothing mart of the present day: the trowsers are of the broadest stripe, and are worn by a Red Indian, who is obliging some of his friends in blue whiskers and yellow eyebrows with an accompani- ment to a war dance in which they are engage Passing a few cases of birds, most of them remarkable for their bills, which have been presented to the directors of the Crystal Palace, and accepted without hesitation, we arrive at a party of South ae engaged in a fierce encounter with sticks. It is the ugly custom o these very ugly customers to introduce a block of wood into the under lip, and thus to illustrate their faces with a woodcut of the rudest character. Their object is to tear out the illustrations and destroy the blocks, which are set in these very low types of humanity. Among another group of South Americans may be perceived a rather gentlemanly looking person in the completest, and probably the cheapest suit of stripes that ever came under our notice. The material is nothing but blue paint, so that the entire costume could have cost little more than the labour employed in fitting on what may be termed an entire suit of Nature’s blouses. The objects in this ment are so numerous that it is impossible to give them more than a passing glance ; so congratulating the bonnet-monkey on the opportunity afforded him an extent is it | carried, that a youth cannot —> t Borneo is a blow- | New Guinea are always seeking for |

Page 13

' | that interesting subject, which is as follows :— ‘two Jews, who are always too happy to explain the principle (or, at Your Committee are of opinion that the Irish Members of Parli ‘least, what little there is, for it is mostly devoid of any principle what- considered as a body, constitute the most important and influential | ever,) of the action. | section of the House of Commons, not by reason of the weight they are measures or men. Sowing Machine whilst on a visit to Pierce's, in Street, Liecester Square.

__ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 9

by the ladies of the present day, to bring the bonnet into contempt, | however, in meeting it, to such perfection is the machinery of this ex- and with a nod of recognition to the Onnce, a creature which has |*nabdineny instrument brought that the piece of paper will actually run become so rare, that many when told of its existence will not believe | after him, no matter where he may be, and nothing but actual payment the an-ounce-ment, we take our leave of the Natural History Collection | in full will stop it. We must state that at the time of parting with the of the Crystal Palace. autograph document, some money is handed over to the person who has just been putting his signature to it. This sum is sometimes half . | the amount — - sr ae only = ne , 7 sometimes nothing at all. It entirely depends upon the market to : R . , : yaid only in wine, beer, blacking, or boot-jacks. re machine is Tue Select Committee apne by Mr. Punch to investigate the | nde 4 simple to look at, being put in nation generally by a screw, character of [rish Members, have presented him with their report oD | that works it and keeps it running. This screw is regulated by one or

d the following very flattering testimonial of the admirable e able to throw into the scale of nearly balanced parties, but on account lefBeney of this new machine :— of the great moral effect of their support, when afforded either to! «gm—t1 first became acquainted with the seeret of wonderfill Wild-Oat- It appears to your Committee that pure and disinterested patriotism |1 instantly tried it. Nothing could have been so efficacions. By working it two or ° ° ° . 42 > ; j enab di it places of amusement about town. I is the primary and leading characteristic of the representatives of | tert utes the betting shone, This ees xt cofchent, and 'T made trial of the gam. Ireland. They are generally remarkable ie a lofty superiority to | bling and cigar shops about St. James's Street. I went to Beden-Baden—bopt vaswre— j iti andisement, and their imdiffe- | lent my money indiscriminately to all my friends—pablished several books of poems— ant day im. fall The atilvterion spirit, however, by which the Irish members are |S te _ = Office af Wine naire. It has been calculated that not only will there be a material | saving of time by this new process, but that also a much greater expen- diture of money will be gained by it. It is so simple in its operation | that any young man who can write may play with it with or whence it will be readily ease. An experiment was tried upon a wealthy minor, who all the inferred that the new innocent ways of a child, and it was found that, long before he had cement contains a considerable proportion of that delicious reptile. become of age, he had not only not a single wild oat left in py oy The cement, however, is not adapted for ordinary buildi rposes, but that he already consequences of all those he although it may be used largely in freemasonry ; nor is itof nature sown. The result is—and the inventor points to it with no little pride— of marme glue, notwiths that it will be offered to the two that the young man has not as many pence now as he had thousands principal marine powers. It will be prepared by the Lonp Mayon before. The great merit of the invention lies —- in its simplicity. and — for the pu of securing and consolidating the union It requires not the slightest practice, but is acquired with nogreater study, between this country and ce, with which view it will be employed no greater outlay, than a few minutes’ patience. Moreover, it is so ad- jn lining the interior of certain distinguished French citizens, to be mirably contrived that any one, who is in the least clever in operations invited to a grand national entertainment of which it will form the that require the free play of the hand, becomes perfect after one trial, staple. This cement for joining France and England might be ve and is in a state to teach others. We will endeavour to describe the much improved if Government wou!d allow the addition to it of Frene principal characteristics of this new “ Wrup-Oat-Sowrne Macuine.” | wines admitted at a reduced duty. It is rm a hand machine. At one end of it are arranged a number ~ ps re paper, ae — ae - writing. The slips somew resemble in their shape the or ill, or promissory note, that is used a daily _~— of commerce. ' n, opens a¥xes his | The Czar's Creditor. signature to the paper, he presses on aspring which forcesdownas:mp| Tre that Nicnoxas is trying to raise a loan of seven that gives his slip a legal value, This stamp varies from two shillings millions on the eestonioen Bourse. ‘That pane will not suffice to get up to thirty. As soon as this is done, the bill is snatched up by some him out of his difficulties. Even if it should enable him to liquidate unseen power, and commences a series of runs, which are hidden from the expenses of his war, there will still be the devil to pay. view. How it runs, and where it runs to, or how it has the power of running at all, are so many mysteries that our ingenious inventor has not thought fit to explain. It is only sufficient to state that after a THE HEIGHT OF TOTAL ABSTINENCE. certain period of running,—that is sometimes over in three months, and) Tae Teetotellers want to exclude the bottle from the Orystal Palace. sometimes extends to nine,—the operator is expected to be at the other We wonder they don’t carry their fanaticism so far as to endeavour to end of the machine to meet his little piece of paper. Should he fail,’ deprive it of the glass.

Ay i id “> ; ;

Page 14

- ms:

M Wl hy | tigi TapLeav nerresentinc £ Younc GENTLEMAN, WHO FANCIES HE IS ALONE BY THE

“Sap Sea Waves.” He Takes THE OPPORTUNITY OF GOING THROUGH THE LasT Scene or “ ZucrA.” N.B. The Young Gentleman's voice (which ue imagines like Manto’s) ts of the most feeble and uncertain quality.

THE MORAL OF WOODEN CANNON-BALLS. Tax humane governor of Sveaborg—that man ought to be enrolled as one of the Vice-Presidents of the Peace Society—has been imprisoned for life by the inclemency of the wicked Czar, and only for having substituted wooden for iron cannon balls, putting in fact the cost of the real shot in his pee, and painting the fictitious shot very black, that they might, to the vulgar, unsophisticated eye, pass for mortal missiles. We say again that this man ought to meet with some expression of sympathy from the peace-mongers. What, now, if Musens. Srurce and Pease should—in memory of their late visit to Petersburg—solicit of the Empzror permission to convey to Siberia & pigeon-pie, to the captive governor? A simple pigeon- pie, in testimony and symbolical of cis practical peacefulness that turned the adamant heart of mortal shot to painted touchwood? Why should not the _ of cotton-balls make some testimony to peaceful balls of wood ? In s@me way, however, our own Premier has acknowledged the wisdom of the unfortunate governor of Sveaborg—but with much better luck. Mr. Layarp considers the stores of the Ear. or AperpeEN; and exclaims “ wooden cannon-balls!” More: con- vinced of the woodenness of our governor and guardian Premier, Mr. LAYARD gives notice of impeachment, declaring himself ready and able to prove their naked, ligneous substance.

What is the resource of the Eart or ApeRpEEN? Why, he takes a hint from the hapless governor of Sveaborg, and immediately sets about painting his wooden shot. Not, indeed, merely painting, but deeply | dyeing the missiles, to prove himself in warlike earnestness against Nicno.as the arch-destroyer. “Wooden cannon-balls, you call ’em! ” cries the Premier. And thereupon, he rummages up his very famous letter to Count NesseLrope on the Treaty of Adrianople, and with the black, mortal ink in which that tremendous missive was written, wooden cannon-shot, painted with ink of five-and-twenty years ago— are shot that Vutcan himself might be proud of; iron shot that, kick

he dyes and stains his wooden shot and—to the critical eye and acute | judgment of a most mares pe | and sagacious public—ABERDEEN’s | t

— a

against them as you may, shall still retarn an iron sound. Never did | ink so well disguise falsehood with an outside of truth. But these Sveaborg timber-shot are evidently destined to beget inspi- rations. Mr. Miner Greson is doubtless touched by wood, and gives utterance accordingly. Manchester with a heart—bleeding like any cotton-pod—begs to know why the pitch and tar of Uleaborg should be ruthlessly destroyed. There is property—sacred property (and still the sympathetic cotton weeps gouts of Ried ') to thes amount of £400,000 | given to the devouring element! Mr. Mitwer Grsson—still thinkinz of the wooden shot—strikes his forehead, and of Sim James Granam demands an explanation ! Sim James, with some remembrance—foolishly, weakly piteous, perhaps— of the red-hot iron voured into the stranded Ziger—asks, * what particular indulgence should be shown to the enemy we have to deal with ? (Mr. Mrtwer Grason exclaims confidentially to his waistcoat— “ Four hundred thousand pounds of property ! ” Sir James—untouched by the sacredness of the appeal—ruthlessly continues : * We had it in our power to destroy the city of Odessa, and = spared it. We attacked the batteries of Odessa only, for which we were subj like censure, and I must confess that I begin to e of that feeling tn ( Cheers.) How did the enemy act towards a British ship which accidentally ran ashore in a fog near this very port of Odessa? An immense multitude of cobtions, with batteries and red-hot shot, were brought down, and the straoded vessel was fired upon. I cannot see rds this enemy. (Great cheering).”

that any peculiar forb is yt Mr. Mityer Grsson could not, and did not, deny all this ; never- theless he thought with sympathetic admiration of ag clemency, the philanthropy of substituted timber for iron. And the sympathy of the emongers, even in his captivity, must comfort the Governor of Sveaborg, who cannot want optimal’ for wooden balls, so long as the heads and, we may add, the hearts of such men of peace be with him. Pourtrcat Caprtat.—The greater part of this 9 Capital i is made up of Private Interest.

irinted a he Ween Bradbu No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Peneras, and Freder ck Wullett P vane, of No. 27, Vietoria Street, in the Parish of St. Mergaret and = bard Street, in the Precinct of Wait-tria:s,ia the City of Looduo,and Publi<hed by th m at No. 83 , Ficet Street io the Parish County of Midd Printers, at their Office in Lombard the City of London.—Satumpar, July 8, ls4.

— } | t ) f — the Governor of Sveaborg who, for his own ends, ’

St. John, Weetminster, bothy of St. Bride, io

Page 15

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 11 IMPORTANT FROM THE SEAT OF WAR! LETTERS FROM THE EAST BY OUR OWN BASHI-BOZOUK. “ On board H.T.M.’s Ship the Mahmoudjee Kebobjee, off Sebastopol, “ July 5th, 1854. Sr, “[ peTornep to the Hotel d’ Angleterre, immersed in disagreeable thought, for it is never pleasant to look on friends for the last time, more especially if you are going away from a plea- sant place on a confoundedly disagreeable journey, as a trip in a chain-gang to Siberia un- doubtedly is, most especially of all, if you are about to rom a being so beautiful, beloved, and devoted as [ then thought Matiipa Scrovuzorr. Beautiful! Yes! devoted? phoo! beloved ? ha, ha!—But I am advancing matters. “We had our usual company to supper, excepting of course Turrskiy, who, for very good reasons, did not show, and drank ear a friendly bumper to our Quaker friends, whose last night it was, and whose luggage lay piled in the Hotel corridors, ready to be carried off to the steamer before dawn. Young Doskins was particularly melancholy. He has beautiful blue eyes, and a figure and an expression, as | have previously stated, singularly like myown. The young fellow’s eyes, I remarked, began to {fill with tears, and he spoke with a emotion of the kindness which he had received from inhabitants of St. Petersburg, contrasting the splendour and elegance of the society there, with the humdrum routine of Godmanchester, Bristol, and other cities whither his lot had led him, as a Quaker, a manufacturer, and a man. “I know the world pretty well, and when a young fellow begins to blush, and shake, and sigh, and tremble in MMs voice, and hang down his head, and rub his eyes with his fist, I feel tolerably certain what is _ My pear in the case. I see that in a jiff “ BroaDBRIM gave a heave demurely seadel quill to the soft impeachment ; a woman there was, as beautiful! oh, as be-eu-eu-ti-ful as an angel, he gurgled out, con- cealing his emotion and a part of his comely young countenance (con- found it!) ina frothing beaker of champagne—a woman, the loveliest being in St. Petersburg, from whom he did not know how he should tear himself away. “ The loveliest being in St. Petersburg! thought I; no, no, my fine lad, that young person is di d of elsewhere,” naturally presuming that the young fellow had lost his heart to some girl of the English factory, some hide and tallow merchant’s daughter, in his own shop- keeping, slop-selling, square-toed walk of life. “ Lhave a feeling , and having been touched by love and frantic with passion, many many scores of times in my life, can feel another’s woe under those painful and delicate circumstances. I consoled honest Dosxuys, therefore ; I clapped him on the back ; returned squeeze for apeeee of his hand, and pledged his lady love in innumerable bumpers 0 champagne, for which—poor satisfaction—I now console myself by thinking the young rascal was left to pay. “ As we were talking, Dosxrys’s servant brought him a note, which he seized eagerly, read with glittering eyes and flushing cheeks, over | which he murmured a hundred gasps and exclamations, and was about to kiss, had not my presence deterred him. “Kiss away, my hoy,’ said I; ‘I have osculated reams of note | paper in my time, and know full well whom that pretty little packet comes from.’ “* Do thee?’ says he, blushing up to the temples. “ * Of course I do,’ I answered with a laugh. ‘ Dost thou think, O bashful Broappaim! that the’ —— I protest I had here very nearly written down my name and title—‘ that Vezax has never been in love witha presy girl.’ } . “ “Chief,” says he—for Chief I am, though my tribe is well nigh ex-| | tinet, and my Chie hip a mockery—‘ Chief,’ says he, ‘ dost thee ' know that this letter concerns thee; a great danger menaces thee—| the matter. ‘Hullo, my friend Broappriam,’ says 1, ‘there’s a woman | ey.” of | his chest, a squeeze to my hand, and | ‘received me wi | I had the good fortune to convey to him I —- exile, chains ;’ and in a low whisper, so that the waiter should not hear, who was cutting the string of the sixth bottle—‘ Séderia /' “ * Does the whole town know it?’ cried I, ‘ double-distilled donkey |that I was—is my disgrace the talk even of the hemp and tallow _ merchants of the city ?’ a's ant ey a says wc soe, and with much opintion~Ghe artful y ypocrite, 0 e to wring hi —* my letter is from dnge & is a very good friend to thee, who fears the dreadful fate | that awaits thee in the eternal snow ’—the canting young humbug— ‘who points out the only way to avert thy evil forture—the way to freedom, the oa & escape from thy tyrant, perhaps to revenge thyself |" Ha! boy,” I exclainted, strongly moved by th ocodile’ ! boy,’ I ex strongly moved by the young cr 4 | words, for as I never told falsehood myself I am slow to suspect it |in another; ‘so thou knowest the fate menaces me, and hast found | out means to avert it; speak, my friend; whatever a man of courage | may do I am ready to attempt, in order to escape from a tyrant, and ict pe Se aes — |one day to avenge my wrong.” “* Easy, my riend !’ cries this young squaretoes, this arch sly- | boots, ‘ we Quakers are of the peaceful sort ; is no question about | revenge, but about escape, and that immediately. Thee knowest that the of Petersburg are shut against thee, and that thee may as well } | hope to escape from the Autocrat as from when the day comes. | A way, however, there is, and but one, by whi thee can put thyself out of reach of the claws of this Russian Eagle; and though J shall 7 | risk myself not a little, nevertheless for thy sake, and for the sake of ' ; | those who are interested in th welfare, I will abide the peril, so I may i | set thee free. Our steamer, the Jods Bright, sails from the Potemkin (uay at half-past two o’clock this morning, when the tide serves. The Friends have given orders to be waked at one, which is now the hour. rts, thee must shave off thy moustaches, and drab, which thee loves to laugh at, and so Generous boy!’ I exclaimed, gripping his hand like a vice; ‘and what will happen to you?’ I was quite confounded by the seeming nobility of the young scoundrel’s self-sacrifice. “* Never thee mind that,’ says 3noapprim. ‘How can [ help it if a rogue makes off with my coat, my hat, and my passport? [| am a ‘Briton, and my Am r will get me another,’ I took him to my | heart, this loyal, this gallant, this guileless, this affectionate heart, that beats with eternal tenderness for the friend who does me a kindness— that rankles with eternal rev against the villain who betrays me ! | “I agreed to his pro "och an bin guard cnet end br hat | was an easy matter; though to part with my moustaches | own was | difficult : can we help our little vanities ? our long bushy auburn-co- |\loured curly vanities? I rather would say. A more beautiful pair of moustaches never decorated the lip of man. I loved them perhaps the more because my Matixpa loved t I went up to my chamber, and was absent a few minutes. é “ When I returned, Dosxrs started back. ‘Gracious heavens!’ said he, and looked positively quite pale. ‘Gracious heavens,’ says he, ‘ what an alteration !’ . “ Altered I was indeed. I had taken off my splendid uniform of an unattached colonel of Russian Cavalry—yellow, with pink facings, and the Black Russian Eagle embroidered tastefully on the back— and put on a snuff-co suit of Dosxrns’s, which I found in his room, No. 10. My face was shaved as clean as a baby’s. I had a broad-brimmed hat on. I placed in the Quaker’s hand an envelope, sealed with a royal ’scutcheon that once flamed in the van of Erin’s battle; it contained my moustaches. I am not ashamed to own that the tear bedewed my manly cheek, as I bade him deliver the packet to the pine means ee py inal : “ The y villain rushed up into his room, put'en my uniform, which fitted Ae to a nicety, and I painted him a _ of moustaches with one of the burnt c corks, of which a half-dozen were lying on the table: you would really have thought it was myself as you looked at him. Ah! Fatal resem ! Ah! Sorrow that throws its bleak shade alike o’er my life and my woes! “ Six hours afterwards the John Bright steamer was before Cron- stadt, and it was not until we were out of reach of the guns of that fortress (which I have a certain plan for silencing) that the friends of the ~~ amen were aware that I, and not their young companion, was on | | Thee must take my | put on the broadbrim a | esc. | | ann Pas at “ T did not care, mph ee gn ly ee meg but as soon as we got to Dantzig, put myself into the railroad, and betook myself to Paris, where my old friend, the Emrezrnon Narotzon tue Turan, th his usual hospitality. several interviews with his Majesty, I laid before him the f information regarding the military and iary resources of the Russian empire which has ever yet, as I believe, found its way out of those immense dominions. What f told the French monarch ({ confess myself a friend to despots, and an enemy to philosophers and rs)—what information not, of course, publish here. My plans, were they followed, would burst in thunder upon the wth. VOL, XXVII. Cc

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12 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. crumbling battlements of Cronstadt, and hurl into mid air the - and | owed. | arsenals of Sebastopol. I fear other counsels than mine may be fol “Sr. Ansaup and I had a dispute long ago, when he was in a very lifferent situation in life. With the English commanders I cannot com- muanicate, owing to my peculiar position, and the Ballingarry affair. It was that unlucky business likewise which prevented my friend, the Ewreror or Tue Frencn, from giving me a command over troops which were to act in conjunction with the forces of the English Queen. He offered me Algeria, but I preferred active service against Romanorr, ind the Colonel of Bashi-Bozouks has already put a shot or two into the proud wings of the Russian Fagle. If anything was wanting to sharpen the edge of my hatred against vrainst Russia, against men and women, against Quakers espe- cially, it was a paragraph which my kind friend, the Emperor Narotrox, showed to me one afternoon, as we were sitting in the Pavillon Marsan, talking over Russia and the war. I was translating wv him—and I think I have said that I speak the language perfectly —some of the lying bulletins out of the Petersburg gazettes, in I his Majesty and his British allies are abused in a most vulgar unner, when glancing down a column of fashionable intelligence, I came to the following paragraph : Cowvenstow oF AN Esouan Quaker To THe Ontnopox Faitn-—A young Quaker nobleman, of the highest birth, whose family has devoted itself for some time ist to commercial pursuits, whereby he has realised an immense fortune, has quitted the lamentable errors and benighted faith under which most of hia countrymen labour, and has professed himself a convert to the only true and orthodox religion. It is M. Doexiwsat's intention to establish himself in our capital, and his Majesty has raciously awarded him the order of St Awpaew of the second class, the rank of Colonel, and the permission to marry Martiiva, daughter of Police President Prisce Sonovuzorr.’ ’ “© Miox, my good fellow,’ said his Majesty, the Emrenor Naporeon, ‘ you look a little pale :’ and no wonder ; I did look a little pale, though I did not inform my Imperial interlocutor of the causes of my disquiet, hut you and the public now may understand in part, for my adventures ure not nearly over, why it is that I am a “ Basni-Bozoux.” THE RUSSIAN GENTLEMAN IN DIFFICULTIES. | wave not a friend that will lend me a shilling, Wherewithal to enjoy my amusement of killing, My loan over Europe is utterly scouted, And my ports are blockaded, and forces are routed, And it seems very likely that I shall be knouted. There isn’t a Christian of whom a small trifle [ can borrow, to pay for ball, powder, and rifle ; Very soon I shall have not a shot in the locker, And the duns are beginning to bang at mv knocker, So I soon must be dore up, aceording to Cocker. Fast back from the Pruth my thrashed Cossacks are prancing, I’m obliged to retreat, none the needful advancing, And nation against me is banding with nation, And I see nought before me but humiliation, Because I cannot obtain accommodation. Sympatuy.—Sorrow, shared by two persons, becomes much lighter —like a PALMER’s candle with two wicks. OLD CAMBRIDGE OWLS. Tue University Intelligence of the 7imes mentions a learned question as having been propounded, but not answered, at the Cambridge Archwological Society, a-propos of an antiquarian paper concerning ““rebuses ;”’ whence we learn that the sages constituting that erudite body are not fully informed de rebus omnibus, whatever amount of | knowledge they may possess concerning guibusdam aliis, We read that “ At the close of this paper, Mn. Weetuacotr asked if any one could explain the meaning of a small gold frog attached to the left ear of a statue of one of the ancient family of the Porrys, in Suffolk. Prorresson Hexstow said, in that part of the country young frogs were called * polley-wiggles, and so it might have reference to the name, bat no one could throw any light on this fact.” Much Proresson Henstow and the Cambridge antiquaries must know about archeology, or etymology either! Polley-wiggle is a corruption of porwigle, which means, according to Dr. Jounson, a tadpole or young frog, not yet fully shaped. at is to say, a por- wigle or polley-wiggle is an undeveloped or undergraduate frog, a batrachian not yet arrived at the dignity of a little frog. How the leadenest pump in any learned assembly could have boggled at a riddle so very plain as the connexion of the frog with the “ancient family of | the PoLeys” must pass all common understanding. It is almost an insult to the intelligent, nay to the ordinarily stupid reader, to say more ; but as some of the Cambridge Dryaspusts may happen to stumble on these lines, the liberty may perhaps be pardoned of an allusion to the well-known song— “ A frog he would a-wooing go,” together with its burden of world-wide celebrity :— “ Roley Poley, gammon and spinach, Heigho! says Antowy Row er.” Here is the very name of Porey, with relation to the frog, pure and simple, without being modified and mollified into Poutey; and although in juxtaposition with gammon and spinach, a great deal more remote from those symbols of fallacy than that.dimimutive. The statue of the old Potey, perhaps, was that of the original Roney Porey, and the little gold frog attached to its left ear was clearly intended for that precocious reptile who was determined to seek a conjugal partner— “ Whether his mother would let him or no,” in defiance of maternal authority: and here the question naturally arises whether the circumstance that the Archzologists of Cambridge are out—and how far they are out—is sufficiently well known to their Alma Mater. PAWS OFF MY HAT. “The Hon. Member (Mr. Apsiey Pertatr), whose gesticulation is unique, hap- pened to be standing immediately behind Mr. Locxe Kriya, and, during the physical enforcement of the voluntary principle, he continued to dash his fists into the crown of that Hon. Member's hat, and otherwise spread such terror around, tha: a large space of the bench below him was deserted, Cartas Scopect, s naval bero, covering the retreat.”—Morning Herald's Report of the Debate, June 21st. Mr. Apstry Per-Latt, Mr. Apstey Pet-iatr, You must show more regard for a gentleman’s hat ; You may pitch into Bishops, Priests, Church, and all that, 3ut you’ve no right to batter another man’s hat, Your gestures may be to the purpose most pat, But the pat should not fall on a gentleman’s hat. Thrust your hands in your pockets, or keep them quite flat, And then you won’t damage another man’s hat. If you do it again, you may get tit for tat ; So keep your paws off, Mr. ApsteY PeL-Latt. LIMITED LIABILITY. Messrs. Brreriess and Dvwve are in favour of a bill for the above commercial purpose. ‘lhey state that they should like the liability to be as limited as possible; in fact, if the liability could, in all cases, be limited to nothing, they should like it all the better. Some such measure, they are of opinion, is urgently necessary, as it would have the effect, not only of removing man of the fetters that at present shackle commercial enterprise, but also of bringing the purchaser and the vendor in a closer and more friendly relationship together. More- over, they modestly represent that it would relieve them of a deal of trouble and painful annoyance, as nothing can be more distressing to their feelings, or at times more embarrassing, than to have to send away claims which, however just the liability of them may be, they find they have it not in their power, from a total inadequacy of means, satis- factorily to discharge. They conclude by declaring that they are decidedly in favour of a thorough new system of debt without any i liability at all.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 13 ~UMLEY’S MIDNIGHT REVIEW. (To the air of Narotzon’s ditto.) — —— 7 2° = > = i . 7 - ; | Ar midnight’s dreary hour is heard an awful sound In short book-muslin shrouds the bony corypides appear, From the empty Opera orchestra, through the cobwebb’d boxes round: | And fleshiiess hands in ghests of ghosts of lorgnons uprear ; A Ghost-Band tunes with fleshiess hands shades of fiddles pass’d away, | And at the midnight Ma. the Ex-Lessee, And the spectre conductor’s “ rat-a-tat ” bids the overture to play : | Comes slow and sad into his box, by aid of his master-key ; Oh strange the thrill that from empty stalls to lone parterre there | Gravely besits him down, and the curtain draws aside, comes ;— And gazes on the tom resurrection of his pride ; It stirs, it wakes the dead artistes from their posthumous dressing-| The empty space illuming blue the ghostly gas-light falls, rooms ! As the Ex-Lessee sweeps round the house from pit to gallery stalls ! Lo! Prime Donne that charmed the ears of our fathers long ago— ; ; Grasstni, Pasta, Matrpran—through the coudisses stageward flow, He sees it graced by duke and lord—his old patrons still are true Bassi profondi, who won applause at Georce Tue Fourtn’s fat hands ;| Jewwy Lovp crushes crowd again upon his trancéd view. Tenort, whose descendants have on CHampers’s estate demands : Si and dancers round him for engagements eager draw, Flooding the vacant Opera-house their phantom voices go, And to journalists and scene shifters once more his word is law; As the ghost-conductor waves his airy 4d¢on to and fro ; And two ic words he murmurs—that in £4. d,combine— __ And the spectre-band around him the signal beat obeys, “ Liyp” is the watchword—and again, “Wacner” the counter-sign And the sal/e is peopled with ghosts full-dressed in fashions of other | Thus at x in the Opera House, an opera house no more, days. Wanders an -Lessee, who finds law and life a bore ! AMENITIES OF CLONMEL GAOL. LORD PALMERSTON’S PARTIES. Iw reference to the brutal Irish rascal, who attempted the other day,| Ir has been the fashion of late years to say that the old distinctions the savage outrage of dragging away a young Sa steseened of of party have disappeared ; and to wonder how the QuzEn’s preent property—from her family, and 7 her inclination, by the help of a could be carried on without a Ministry professing one set of principles, gang of ruffians, but who was defeated, well thrashed, and lodged in | and an Opposition maintaining another. Political antagonism is, however, Clonmel gaol, the Tipperary Free Press sympathetically says :-— founded im nature, and Loxp Pasaeerston has found # new denomi- “ Under the direction of the local inspector, the Rev. Jauzs Morrow, every care has nation for the rival sects, on either side, which, ca some — be a taken to porta 4 i the La onl i is —a~r » a wee tear exist. The —_ ian m the debate on the room oceu R. d b Board — immediate vicinity " the heapleal, vemote will suuabeo coum caniations chat hie = | ~ —— aan * ets dition requires. His portmanteau, being first opened in the presence ot the governor, | _ “ Now, in town there were two ies, well known by two designations cor- was directed to be given him, and Mr. Srrawas, it is known, will do all in his power | sponding to Whig and Tory, and dividing the town almost ascompletely, One was towards rendering his confinement as little irksome as possible, pending an application the ‘clean’ party, and the other the ‘dirty’ party. (Laughter.) Each was a well apiece yearn |say.'"l em the dicty party; I like dict; and 1 Gout ebecse to poy for being clean.’ say, ‘ ; jirt, . What a comfortable prison that of Clonmel must be. How much | (4 /augh.)” ve: sooner would one be sent there than anywhere else, if one were a thief. If such consideration as that above described is extended to a prisoner poe ceecbnbe yy awe L how — indulgence — shown to | fication of watehwords, cries, and cant. The motto of one side will be ne meatee stealing a horse !—particularly if having got Soap and Water, and that of the other Slush. The clean party will kicked in the attempt. Wouldn’t he receive “every attention that his | s,out Pearlash for Ever! and their dirty adversaries will exclaim, No condition required |” Would not * every care be taken to provide for | Soda! By the former, the principles of the laundress will be advocated, “do all in his power towards reslering his confinement as little irksome | Vist the latter will denounce these ae sblutionary doctrines. | Oxygen os possible !™ od wa be the gomend of tee pasate! denalincss , ul en Spenee oe . : , , the requisition of the disciples of dirt: and as clean politicians Wi orcible abduction would seem as popular in Tipperary as highway march beneath the mop and serubbing-brush, so the dirty will rally robbery accompanied by violence was in Middlesex a century ago, and round the cesspool and the cinder-heap : — indeed be considered to exceed the exploits of Turin in Po ; urpitude. go on just as before, under new titles only, with a corresponding modi- Sela 8 The Foreign Office in Danger. ohn © Tae Eant oy Matmessuny has expressed his fear in the Lords Taovcx Mr. Lrpext would not allow his Curates to sing the “lest some day the Foreign Office might come down and bury some Church Service, he has not been able to prevent them from lecturing members of Hea Masesty’s Government in its ruins.” We know not him to a very pretty tune. After what has occurred, it is probable what changes are in store for us; but should a certain Earl be in office that if there is any chanting at St. Paul’s, Knightsbridge, the Incum- at the time, it will be all the worse for him ; for assuredly nobody will bent himself will sing very small. be in a hurry to dig him out. PaLMERsTON is right; and political, as well as evening parties, will | ey. a pag a 3 Gren A a iy (rete Ce -

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}

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Inflamed Militia Man. “Tatx 0’ tn’ Roosmans! Tanne! Daxa’p FI woutpn’t MOW 'EM DOWN FoR a Sutin’ an Acre!”

PUNCH’S HANDBOOKS TO THE CRYSTAL PALACE. THE POMPEIAN COURT. 7 {HE road to Pompeii ' lies beyond the Arctic Regions— of the Crystal Pa- lace—if we enter from the south, and is not very far from Birmingham and Sheffield, if we happen to be coming from the north.

- watering ee = speciesof Margate and, as well as ; : < =——_ Herculaneum, was _ Zs. , we —- situated at the - foot of Vesuvius. Herculaneum be- ing the nearer, may be said to have occupied the in-step, while Pompeii, situated at a more distant point, may be con- sidered to have s on the mountain’s great toe. [t would not seem creditable to the wisdom of the ancients to have built a watering place immediately under such an extensive fireplace as Vesuvius ; but nobody suspected an eruption, and even Strago, who knew the rocks were igneous, fancied that the fire must be—what he in fact was—quite out. a in the year 79, Herculaneum and Pompeii were both estroyed.

Pompeii was a} —for the Romans, | ' | HEARTSEASE FOR THE CZAR. Ovr Scotch friends are great growers of pansies, and | | = | have just achieved some triumphant exhibitions. “Lord | | Palmerston” has flowered remarkably well; being almost jall that a pansy ought to be. But “Omar Pasha” has | | come out especially brilliant; carrying away the prize as | being of excellent substance and colour, and good in | shape. Now this Omar Pasha pansy affords an excellent oppor- | — for our floral friends of Caledonia to mark their | sense of the merits of Nicnotas; marking it in a manner | that should carry a sweet and bitter moral with it. Let them subscribe a halfpenny each, and have the Omar | Pasha flower nicely executed in gold and enamel, and send it to the Emrgror or Russta to wear as a breast-pin. The present should be accompanied with the few pithy | words—especially pithy since Kalafat and Oltenifza—of | | SuaxsreaRE—“ Omar Pasha pansy,—That’s for thoughts.” | [SES = | “Hide and Seek.” | | Mr. Wrrxre Cortrs has just published a new novel, | | called “ Hide and Seek.” However, we merely allude to | it, as it reminds us that “Hide and Seek” happens to | be the game that at present is being played in the Baltic | and the Black Sea. With the Russians. it is “ Hide»” | | with the French and English, it is “Seek.” But the game | must soon be played out, and then we hope that we shall | | be found (and it only depends on our finding the Russians) | to be on the winning side.

} | } | |

Parliamentary Economy. Tue reason why the House of Commons bas rejected | sO many measures this Session, lies on the surface. ving | the expenses of the war to meet, it is unwilling to render jtself liable for any other bills. ISABELLA IN ENGLISH. Tae Spanish insurrection has fallen short of high treason | by a single letter. It may, be described as a rebellion | against the Quzay. We will not enter into the distressing details of this calamity; for word-painting might fail as dismally as scene-painting, which, in the opera of Masamiello, represents an eruption of a canvas Vesuvius, casting up its imaginary lava from a crater, consisting of a saucepan of _red-fire shaken by the hand of the property man at the back of the stage. The catastrophe had its “own reporter” in the person of Putyy Tuz Youncer, who, in true reporter-like fashion, gives a por J circumstantial account of the death of his uncle, though at a distance from the spot where it occurred. The excavations which have brought Pompeii to light were the result of a thirst for water rather than a thirst for information, since it is to the sinking of a well that we are indebted for the discovery of the baried city. For some time the work was carried om bya Frenelt prince, = ah ag jy the — that were for 1€ them pulverised for the purpose stucco—a process for which he himself deserves to be smashed. At the workmen be exp from happening to come on some perfect statues, the N ment put a stop to further excavations, and, as Respoliten Government, nothing was done for _ years. At length, however, the work was resumed; bit by bit the city has been laid open; industry has found its fruits in the shape of wal- nuts, almonds, and chesnuts, which may be said to have rewarded labour with its desert. Wine has been ered, which having been eighteen hundred years in bottle, presents nothing but ’ crust, and a loaf, with the baker's name on it, has been found in a similar condition. Eggs have been met with, looking as if they had | been newly laid where they were found, and a play- ‘announcing the performances of the troop of a y the Cooxe or Batty of the period—has been traced on t — thus bear testimony to the excellence of the bill-sticking of the rst century. = One of the houses that have been discovered at Pompeii used to be ‘called the House of the Tragic Poet, which, owing probably to the | modern notion = Be wy never occupy houses, but always live in _lodgi is now call the Homerio Higuss, sad the tragie pest © Xe | tarned unceremosional out of House and Home. respect, | literature induces us still to call it the Home of the Poet, and the idea ‘is favoured by an inscription at the entrance of “Cave Canem,” or E 2, 2 Ee

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THE RUSSIAN FRANKENSTEIN AND HIS MONSTER. Jury 15, 1954.) (Puncu No. 679.

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. ier.» Ma Mery . " " o aah “raat - ws ae od . ee) tee yell e ete

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“ Beware of the Dog,’ which may have furnished a general answer to! those clamorous duns with whom the poet was possibly pestered. } | | | | are adorned with pictures of figs of a The walls are adorned with theatrical and other portraits, among which | is a picture of the poet himself in the aet of reading what is in probability a Guuk ple that the poet intends “ adapting” to the Roman stage. In most of the Pompeian houses there was placed rather ostenta- tiously a Jarge wooden chest, bound with iron, fixed firmly on a stone nedestal, and supposed to contain the wealth of the master of the 1ouse, but on closer investigation of these chests, they seem to have been emblems of the emptiness of riches, for nothing has been found in | any one of them. Sm Buiwer Lyrroy, in his “Last Days of | Pompeii,” has made an amiable effort to elevate the “tragic poet” by describing his house and its appurtenances in language that its size and | pretensions scarcely seem to deserve. He says, “on one side of the | atrium a small staircase admitted to the apartments for the slaves on | the second floor.” If for “slaves” we were to read “lodgers,” we fear we should be nearer the truth, for when we remember that the landlord was a poet, “the slaves” dwindle down in our imagination | | into a solitary “slavey,” or maid-of-all-work for the whole establish- | | ment. Let us now enter the Pompeian Court, where we are told we shall find ourselves at once “ with Tacrrus and the two Putyys,” but on looking round we see a bricklayer and two labourers, while instead of having “the roar of the amphitheatre still in our ears,” we catch the | distinct clatter of the knives and forks of the refreshment-room. This | reminds us that the Pompeian Court at the Crystal Palace was ori- ginally intended for purposes of refreshment, and dinners were to have been served in the best modern style under the ancient peri-style. The | house is supposed to be detached, forming what is called an insula or | island, and, with the poet’s house still in our eye, we can imagine that | his being frequently surrounded with hot water may have caused the | application of the term “island” to his place of residence. There are no windows near the ground, but there is over the door a “ grating” through which “the poet” or any other lessee might have delivered occasionally a grating reply to an over-importunate visitor. The front. part of the entrance is called the Vestibulum or Vestibule, which is an evident derivation from the word Vestis, and would seem to show that visitors were in the habit of leaving their Vests, or cloaks in the passage at a Pompeian as at a London residence. At the end of the passage is a screened door, and the threshold is further protected by the representation of a ferocious dog, copied from that which kept guard at the louse of the poet, who was anxious perhaps to show that there was a dog who could get a piece out as well as his master, if occasion should require. Just within the Vestibulum, or passage is the Prothyrum or Ostium, which corresponds to the Hall in which a “ party ” is sometimes asked to take a seat, while the servant goes on with a message, leaving the “ y” to make a clearance of the hats and great coats, if his visit should have been a mere cloak for his dishonest intentions. We next enter the dérium, a Court or Common Hall, which was open to all visitors, but which is in the Pompeian Court of the Crystal alace, rather too open at the top, too open at the doors, and too open at the windows. The basin in the middke of the Atrium was called the Impluvium, and its use was to collect the rain, which was admitted by a hole at the top called the Compluvium. This ought to have been the same size as the reservoir below, but as the artists did not require any water, and wanted additional light, they sacrificed correctness to effect by making the ap pane so large, that the /mpluvium or cistern must be in a state of constant overflow. We will now walk into the bed-rooms or Cubicula, of which there are three in the Pompeian House, which was probably adapted to the residence of a “small genteel family,” for the width of the best bed- room is only, six Sort, niue inebee. An tm t = pees to sire an ap ce of space by bright paintings on a black surface, an expedient rather calculated to mislead the occupant, for if he ventured on an extra stretch out on the strength of the paintings, he might be un- pleasantly reminded of the strength of the brick walls. In the third _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 17 bed-room is an interesting picture of a poet and an actor, the former | sitting with his legs crossed in the attitude of a tailor, as if he were a | mere literary botcher, who has probably been patching up for the actor a very bad part. The A/a, or wing, is a small apartment or recess in which luxury might have fixed a butler’s pantry, but where necessity would probably have crammed a turn-up bed. The A/a is said to have been used for the transaction of business, but the smallness of the wing would seem to have fitted it for none but flying visits. Opposite the door of entrance we pass into the Tadlinum which con- tains the “family archives,” but as the “family archives” were often as apocryphal in those days, as the “family plate” is in our own, the Tablinum was —_ used as a drawing-room for the spoons, and other members of the family. We here catch a glimpse of the Peristylum, in the centre of which was a square garden ; but not wishing to take a turn in the square we at once enter the 7'riclinium, or dining-room, the walls of which | "0 figure, and dates of the period. The guests did not sit at table, but were accustomed to lie on their breasts to help themselves—an awkward position in which they must have occasionally looked as if they could not help themselves, icularly if they happened to have imbibed too much wine at the uet. The po before dinner always took off their shoes, and it would be as well if the practice were ed in some of our modern clubs, where “ gentlemen are ”—often im vain—“ requested not to put their feet upon the sofas,” A Roman dinner of the first quality included peacocks au naturel, and other delicacies, of which grasshoppers were perhaps the lightest ; but it is a curious fact. that the course of so many | centuries has not made much alteration in the three courses which formed the usual meal of the ancients. ‘The wine was rather sweet and fruity, but much depended on its age; the bottles were marked with the names of the Consuls who were in offiee at the time the wine was Thus the liquor got the name/of a person, and it was cus- tomary to for an amphora of Cmsar, or a stp of Scrrro, as we in modern days order our bottle of Gorpon’s Sherry, or Cxiiquor’s Champagne. Before quitting the Pompeian Court, we would direct attention to the paintings on the walls, in which the ideas are not nearly so bright as the colours. In one place a yellow-haired Venus is seen fish- ing with such success as to have secured a most respectable herring, and there are AMPHORA. several paintings in which Cur is repre- sented as on “sale or hire,” in various positions. We may with Virau- vius condemn the taste of making figures stalk ont of the stems of flowers, and placing buildings on candelabra, as if a house could stand on such a light foundation as a candlestick ; but we cannot quit the | spot without making up our minds to call again, and again, at the Pompeian House of the Crystal Palace. SUNDRY RULES AND REGULATIONS For the better Observance of the Sabbath in Scotland. Any Railway meine heard whistling, to be impounded. Any Dog found barking, to be instantly shot. Any Fountain found playing in the streets, to be treated as a vagrant under the Police Act. Any Weathercock giving way to hr | airs by turning, or pirouetting, | or wheeling round in the presence of the public eye, to lose its post. All Bluebottles seen gadding about on that day, raising in all direc- tions their irreligious hum, to be dealt with according to the utmost rigour of the Law. - | Any Hen suspected of laying an egg on the Sabbath, to be unhesi- | tatingly killed, and divided amongst the poor. Hard People. Iw regard to the state of trade at Manchester, a contemporary the other day rted that “the hardening tendency of prices continues.” It is a pity that something cannot be done to counteract the hardening effect of business generally on the population of manufacturing towns, THE CLASSIC CHURCHES OF LONDON. Ir is calculated that the Congregations of the City Churches con- sist, on an average, of from ten to a dozen persons, who are all worshippers of MorpHevs. A Reriecrion wv tHe Commons.—Happy the man born with a silver spoon in his mouth! Miserable the member, with a wooden Srooyenr in his ear !

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is . PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. i) OWN N — VN it moe y TRUTH IS GREAT. Unsophisticated Little Girl. “ Now, you a’ pong, Bitty. Ir you DIRECTLY I'LL GIVE YER TO THIS GREAT, BIG, Huaty Man ! [Immense delight of Swell in gorgeous array. | as I’se a neighbour—to let me have her wash for my pigs. A “SUMMER FLOWER” IN THE COMMON PLEAS. Mr. Serseant Bytes conducted a very delicate case last week; a case very illustrative of the tenderness and respect instinctively paid by moral Joun Buu to the immorality of noble lords. Mr. Byies was for the fair defendant, whom—as Mr. Epwis James averred—he designated “a summer flower.” Cuter Justice Jervis did not recollect whether Brother Bytes had so designated the fair wronged one, but—having seen her in the witness-box—thought that, with better justice, she might be called “ a full-blown flower.” And so, on evidence, it appeared: a very full-blown flower; full-blown as any Dahlia or Datinan. We opine that counsel, resolved in such cases upon flowers, would | have a more pathetic effect open juries were they to sing part of their | watch ) an e ditty for the occasién in the Beggars’ | goes f Opera ; and, considering the matter, it is to us an especial wonder that | meter- appeal. There is an admirab AINT QUIET | box to that time-hallowed object, a female in dist due to the naughtiness of the great was duly paid at the usual cost of | BAR, BAR BLACK SHEEP. It is an old trick of barristers of a certaim class to abuse Ez. other’s clients and bully each other’s witnesses, but | they have recently to bully and abuse each other in a style worthy of the worst of the Old Bailey. It is not likely that the public will call in question the | judgments that these gentlemen of the long robe have mutually formed; nor will any sensible person think of | asserting that each barrister fas not deserved all the vituperation that his learned brother has spit out upon him. We must, however, protest against the outrage of public decency, which has been committed in selecting | the occasion of an inquest on a deceased child, for one of | these vulgar exhibitions of forensic squabbling. We cannot be surprised at the impatience of the jury at a scene which was becoming we Be moment more disreputable | between the members of the Bar, who really ought to | settle their differences through the medium of Bell's Life |in London, rather than through the abuse of opportunities afforded by their professional practice. Civic Glee. Troll, troll, The iced-punch bow], Troll it as deep as you can ; Troll with whitebait, And as certain as fate, You will catch an Alderman. ANECDOTES OF PAINTING. | Sr Goprrer Kyeier (the anecdote has been hidden | from Horace Watrote)—Ste Goprrey was once upon a ‘time painting—the subject has escaped us—from a human | model ; a humble villager. . | | | | GODFREY. Six Goprrer bowed. “ There’s nowt she won’t do for you, eh ?” Sir Goprrey smiled and bowed again. “ Well, then, just have the kindness to ax Her Masesty— a> pathy which twelve true-born Britons generally vouchsafe from a jury- distress. But the homage exposure of the vulgar small. A worthy chronometer-maker—being the father of a foolish son attracted by the “summer flower ” i name published in court, to be afterwards sent t ut the world in the morning papers; whereas another admirer of the summer flower, being a os ome was not nominated: “his mame did not ire; his letter to the flower, read in court, srlcataets ahiinaie noble lord, whilst the name of the chronometer-maker “ is told to all the hills.” Is the Red Book % oT ena > aa cuca and mathemlicme feeps shop tad sin has a foolish son, dis name be gibbeted? And too, i atest ake ot ho tam aan an a et What says Danret Derog on this solemn theme ?—“ If false, it deceives me and none else; i it deceives the whole parish.” If the watch of er’s son goes false, it deceives him and none else ; but if the Cuarces Puriites, who left the Bar with such an illustrious reputa-| clock of the House of Peers goes false, it deceives—only the simpletons. ice tion for the care and cure of trampled flowers and broken hearts never sang the lines; the more so, as it is well known he is endowe with a deep, melodious voice. Let us suppose the action is for breach of promise, or for a worse wrong. Imagine the effect of a Sims Reeves (D. V. without a cold, and in gown and wig), trolling forth the lines of Gay :— “ Virgins are like the fair flow’r in its lustre, Which in the garden enamels the ground ! Near it the bees in play flutter and cluster, And gaudy butterflies frolic around. But when onee plucked, ‘tis no longer alluring, To Covent Garden ‘tis sent (as yet sweet), There fades and shrinks and grows past all enduring, Rots, reeks, and dies, and is trod under feet.” This would surely introduce a variety into bar practice, the while it must materially assist the cause and increase the damages pleaded and | sung for. The fair flower, in the case in question, failed to obtain that sym- who unerringly trust to it. Nevertheless, why should Justi the son of the chronometer-maker, and at i i folds of her ample gown, a noble lord ? A Sledge-Hammer Argument. One Wiitt1am Ec tre was arraigned before the Middlesex Assistant- Judge for having broken prison, by means of a sledge-hammer left in his way, “the handle next his hand.” The Assistant-J udge know howa man could be condemned for so doing. Were he himself in prison, and a sledge-hammer lying in his way, he doubted not he should do the same thing. Bravo, Assistant-Judge! It would sometimes be none the worse for justice in the abstract, if the Judge upon the Bench would—just for a minute or so—taking thought of human nature and human circumstances, put himself at the and so pass sentence accordingly. s | “You knows the Quezw?” says Cuawsacon to Srp |

Page 23

PUES, AB EE LORDS GARR 19 PSALMODY FOR THE CZAR. Tuere is too much reason to fear that the Emperor or Russta is backsliding from that piety of which, at the commencement of his crusade against the Turks, he exhibited such a pattern. Paskrewitcn, Scuripers, Lupers, hors de combat! A \oss of $0,000 men altogether since the opening of the campaign! A pontoon bridge with 500 men upon it, and numerous guns, destroyed by a storm, and all the guns, as well as men, gone to the bottom! So many martyrs offering their lives for the Czar! and he has not the gratitude to ae a si Te Deum ! Surely Nicwoxas is a carried away from grace. here be now our quotations from the Vulgate; where be your texts from the Psalms ? Or if psalmody on the other side of mouth should now seem rather advisable, cannot the Autocrat afford a stave of that sort ? If Ze Deum is not exactly the sort of thing, why not sing Miserere 7? Is it, indeed, too much to suggest that his Imperial Majesty might as well at once go down upon his knees in an entirely different spirit, and chaunt Peccavi 7? ————— =a | FLEAS AND BOOKWORMS AT THE BRITISH MUSEUM. | _Pustic attention has been directed by the Zimes to the incommo- | dious condition of the Library, and the unserviceable state of the | Catalogue, of the British Museum. Both appear to be in a sad mess, and the former, in addition, swarms with fleas, which have no business there ; for surely the entomological and literary departments should be | kept separate. From all these evils, and particularly from those last | named, the readiest way to free the British Museum would be a liberal augmentation of the number of foreigners, especially Italians and Germans, included among the officers of that truly national Institution. Mx. Panizzt, if he had but an adequate number of his countrymen in authority under him, might go on devoting his energies to the prose- | cution of publishers for failing to send copies of their books to the Museum, and might thus continue adding to the lumber which some of his assistants would sort, whilst others were engaged in banishing the | Vermin, and imparting some degree of cleanliness to the place. Downing Street News. We cannot think that Government has prevented newspaper corres- | mts from accompanying the British forces. If this report were | true, it would evidence an attempt to render the British Public depen- dent, for the news of the War, on the [nralide Russe, and the Journal | de St. Petersbourg. Surely “dear ApeRDezN” is not so Russian in| | his sympathies as all this! | larder Sermons for Stones. For the rejection of the proposal to transfer the City churches to the | suburbs, t is only one thing to be said, which is that as, accordin to the proverb, walls have ears, the clergy who officiate in those sacre edifices will not be entirely in want of an auditory. | Wo ' Or, again, why not insist upon their turning waiters, on the plea that you | are only allowed to give the servants of i SONG OF THE DEVNA CAMP. Arm.—* And all to astonish the Browns.” Tue fast English ensign was sent to the fight Against the tyrannical Czar, So he sought for a dress not too hideous to sight, And convenient to wear in the war. He studied in what he could be most at ease, When one of his friends about town Said, “ Of course, my good fellow But, by George, you’ ll astonish you please, you'll dress as old Browy ! “To old regulations you know he’s a slave, And, if you would spare him a shock Every hair of your face you will carefully shave, And appear in a tight-fitting stock. — You may think in hot climates with this to dispense, But such thoughts are received with a frown ; our dress were according to good common sense, fou would really astonish old Browy.” The fast English ensign this good advice spurned ; The comforts of costume he knew ; Aware that in Turkey the sun and wind burned, A beard and moustaches he grew , A handkerchief loosely he tied his neck round, His shirt collar nicely t down ; his forage cap next a white turban he bound, And ‘all to astonish old Brown. But when he appeared in the eyes of the chief Whose orders he ventured to brave, The rage of Six GeorGe quite exceeded belief, As he roared out, “ Go e, Sir, and shave ! A true English soldier in comfort be dressed ' Such new-fangled rigs I ’|1 put_ down, The heads of the army, [ hope, Str, know best What clothes it should wear,” said Sir Brown. So the fast English ensign retired with a sigh His tailor and barber to see, And they made him, according to rule, such a guy As the true English soldier should be ; With face in a blister and neck in a vice He’s marching away to renown, Very wretched, no doubt, but all right in the eyes Of his martinet leader, Sin Brown. . But smooth shaven faces and tight-fitting stocks Have both in their turn had their day, And now that they ’re scouted by Punch, and the vor Populi, even Browns must obey. Should his spirit, some short fifty years hence or less, To our planet look up or look down, Such changes he ’ll see in our brave soldiers’ dress As will truly astonish old Brows ! NO NOTHING IN SCOTLAND OWN A SUNDAY. Is Scotland, it seems from cases recently published, you can not get a dinner ona Sunday. You may starve for what the hotel- keepers care, before they will give you anything to eat. Yes, there is one mouthful of a chance for you—if you take a bed will throw a dinner in. The saying formerly was “No Song, No r”—it must be altered now, to meet Scotch consciences at least, to “ No Ben, No Duswer.” But why not improve upon the absurdity, and make the poor hungry travellers go to bed at once, and eat their dinners between the sheets? It would be just as tyrannical, and, besides, uld throw a solemnity instead of a table-cloth, over the ceremony. | your ishment any meals | on that day? It would be fine puritanical fun to see gentlemen whisk- ing about with napkins under their arms, handing toothpicks to the | customers, before they were allowed to swallow a basin of Scotch broth themselves. As it is, it stands thus :—*“ Take a bed, and you my eat —don’t sleep in the house, and you may starve, even in sight of the " olence like this is born (as they say) on the ; , benev wrong side of the blanket ! THE EMPIRE OF POLLY. Ir may well be a matter of astonishment that the Empgnon or Russia does not abdicate, for since he has lost his head he ean find little use for his crown.

Page 24

ARE YOUNGER THAN MINE, YOU’ | “Now THex, YounG GEen’L’MAaN, WE CAN’T EXPECT THE Pony T

JENKINS ON A BEER-BARREL. Tuat fashionable journal, the Morning Advertiser, appears to be revered friend Jewxrss is the inspiring genius. The T7izer, as in playful fondness it is called by .its patrons, is plunging into dissipation, and sporting about at West End parties, ma way quite incompatible with its deeorous licensed victualling character. We meet it at a réunion at Lapy Giais’s, glancing jauntily round the aristocratic salon, and observing, in slightly awkward imitation of the patronising grace of Jenkrys, that “among the visitors we noticed a brilliant cirele of the corps diplomatique.” As affectionate young matrons say, the way that child takes notice is extraordinary. But the aspiring licensed victualler seeks still higher scenes. One of the younger sons of the Duke or Neweastie has just joined his vessel, the Dawnéless, and the Menxrys of the Beer-barrels is present when the young noble- man “ takes léave of his ‘Illustrious Young Personal Friend, the Heir- Apparent.”” The farewell, according to our licensed scribe, is “ affec- tionate.” Now we really must remonstrate against our worthy and honest friends, the witlers, sanctioning this kind of thing. They are men of practical sense, and know perfectly well that the reporter who “ noticed” the diplomatists, and the other one who reported the affectionate farewell, had just as much chance of being invited to Lapy Guamis’s and to Buckingham Palace, as the two dirtiest little boys who should come up to the bar of a publichouse and offer lucifers for sale, would have of being asked into that snug little back parlour, and requested to “ put a name” to anything they would fancy. As to the diplomatists who were noticed, we would give odds that Mr. Jenkins Ds Beer does not know Count Watewski from CHEevaLier Bunsen, and as to the affectionate: parting between the Prince op Wa.es ane Lorp Cuantes Ciinton, we happen to know that it was in this wise :— The Prince. What, you are really going, then, Cuanvey ? Lord Charles. Off to-morrow. The Prince. & wish | was going with you, old fellow. Lord Charles, Ah, don’t 1? wouldn’t that be prime 7 | suppose it’s no use asking ?

Earnestly) I

emulous of the fame of another fashionable journal, of which our |

ee i rr " Dh, Min © DRAG US BOTH UP sucH A HILL as THIS, a¥D AS YouR Lzcs D BETTER GET QUI AND WALK.” a

| The Prince. Not abit. We are going to Scotland. You must write regularly, you know, Cuartey. You promised that. ary Lord Charles. Oh I will. I say, what fun if I should arrive in time to see St. Petersburg taken ! : The Prince. | hope you will; that’s all. Three cheers for you and Old Carrer! Both. Hurray! Hurray! Hurray! The Prince. Well, come and have some lunch. _ We suppose that Ma. Jennies pe Beek will faint away, when he

is told that a Prince and a Duke’s son talk like other yo gentlemen e “farewell” in | of their age. We should like to see Ass notion of question. It would a run thus :— H.R. H. the P. of W. Tn parting with you, my dear Lonp Cuaruzs, permit me to say, that while (1 admit), envying the duty confided to you, of serving our common country, and regretting the temporary separation which alienates me from a valued friend, I cannot but con- gratulate you upon the prospects of witnessing, under the gallant Napier, an addition to the glory of our arms. ; Lord C. P. C. Cordially reciprocating those sentiments, your Ro Highness, so far as the difference in our positions permits me to do, [ would reply, that next to the yor aes of serving the nation over which your Rk H.’s family preside, is the ye = anticipation that your R. H. may hear that one. whom you have condescended to honour with your friendship has not proved himself altogether unworthy of the distinction. ‘ H. R. H. the P. of W. 1 do not doubt it, my dear Lory Cuanuzs, and [ will now invite you to dedicate a glass of our best wine to your own prosperous career, and to the glory of the British arms. lord i P. C. Most. joyfully will I avail myself of your R. H.’s gracious invitation, and will venture to add, that in combating for the flag of my country, [ shall never forget that it bears the arms of a | family whose heir has honoured me with his regards. H. R. H. the P. of W. This way then, my dear Lonp Cartes. This, no doubt, would be more in conformity with Mz. Jeyxmvs DE Buzer’s ideas of aristocratic manners, than our version of the inter- view. We must express our hope that the witlers will put a stop to his vagaries, and insist upon his drawing it a good deal milder.

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Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parivh of St. Pancras, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 27, Vic oria Street, in the Parish of St. Marcaret and St. John, V es minster, both n the County of Middlesex, Printers, at their Office in Lombard Strec<, in the Precimet of W hitefria.s, in the City of London, and Pubished by them at No. 3, Fleet Street, in the Parish o: St. Dride, in the City of London.—Satvapay, July 15, 1804, ¥

Page 25

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 21

|the Bosphorus,’ which, she said, had converted IMPORTANT FROM THE SEAT OF WAR! a great number of Poles and Hungarians, and left me after my promising to study these works,’ JOURNAL OF THE SIEGE OF SILISTRIA, BY OUR OWN BASHI-BOZOUK. “* Unless you intend to come round, Muttr- « Soutari Goon,’ said my friend, the dervish, ‘ you had “My D | ag Tuesday, | better put some distance between you and the ¥ pee ee ates tal prisenee, She is a fiery little creature,’and will recognised by the 33rd boys, — - Mery aty or poisoned as sure as your whom [ knew intimately at | « a pen Soa is to be up vent fee me Dundalk (thereby preset | aot Dubin, wot Tendon ot in Pear onl Gn cites @ Out regi-| Sure, nat ie Constentigayio! Finding that the ment, whe have the best meso | was going to Varna that afternoon (and of any regiment in Hzs'| most —— + a those bi Britannic ell service), , 8t#8¢-coaches are), : Ag San ve = and to keep out of the way of 8; oe ag ty » ?- lock of the unpleasant _ renconéres with Mosaue of Saint Sophia sereck thirtecn (the Gewzzal Lorp R—Gi-—%, | hour at which the Suitana-Mother had appointed Generar H. R. H. rue Dukes!) or C—mpa—per, and other me wd ym ae. t tes = ae wes oe acquaintances of happier years, |” , I ~_ toleats Paget ns You now understand why my death was an- since my arrival here of dyeing | 2Ownced, on the very first day of the siege of my ro beard, and hands. and | this place; a piece of news which put poor wearing a plaister over my nose N10owa into a dreadful fury ; she was so en- and righteye. [use Buncess’s think I had escaped her vengeance. I : walnut ketchup for my face and| 40 not envy Nosst Pasua, whom she hands in preference to India| ™&ftied since by order of her imperial father. > soy, which I employed at first ;| NoBBt is a quiet man, and she leads him and his but for which the flies and | family the deuce’s own life. . wasps, which abound in this The Governor of Silistria welcomed me with country, have a great liking, | that distinction which I am accustomed to re- “ Yesterday, as I was having Ceive from brave men. Having been just obliged an audience of the Sultan’s|t0. hang the colonel of a regiment of most mother, the dear Sutrawa Vatipen, a whacking big hornet, attracted by the confounded soy refractory Bashi-Bozouks, the Pasha was pleased settled close on my nose, stung me, and occasioned atrocious agonies. Of course I had | to offer me the vacant command, which I ac- to grin as if nothing was the matter, and continue the conversation, which was mos¢| cepted, and when I had partaken of coffee and interesting, When the Sultana left us I could bear the pain no longer, but rubbed my nose, | Pipes, given my views of the affairs of Hurope, and tore off the plaister which covered that and my eye. the advance of the Russians, &., to His Ex- “Tt was so swollen that the gallant and ouadiions English Pr—nee, who made one at our |¢ellency, a person of the highest distinction, consultation, very likely cou/d not recognise me. At any rate he did not. A dancing — bravery, and most aristocratic manners, dervish (a most holy man, and great favourite of the Sultana’s), fetched some leaves out of the | ¢ wrote a line by an aide-de-camp, and mounting garden, and, having chewed them, fomented my feature, which speedily resumed its own classic horses, which were for us, | rode down i. pm inquire what the “¥ is, ood send ~~ . o- — at — . on wg a — nod pone a fellow Ww st. uck * ele 5 eee may often get a swelled eye still, praise —at elections, fairs, an I Se rt i= rs — : _ “The splendid proposals which her Highness made to me (in private) on the part of her| “A more drunken and ferocious set of imperial son, of course, are out of the question. The young Puoycess Nuoona (for those | bonds eyes never lighted upon. In the centre of who like that style of beauty) is lovely certainly. She is but sixteen, and must weigh as many | the place, they had stuck up their standard with stone. Her eyebrows meet. Her complexion is very fair (though I must say I think she is|@ hideous Russian head, surmounted by its painted). Her teeth are not good, owing to the quantity of sweetmeats they take. When | | cocked hat on the top. tom-toms, kettle- go to see the Suztawa Vauipen | am half choked with the lumps of sugar-candy which I am | drums, jinjalls, and other music of the regiment obliged to swallow whenever I say anything witty, and that, of course, is at every other | were around this, The men were scattered here observation, It seems Nisoona remarked me as | was riding in the Valley of the Sweet | and there, some sleeping, some smoking, many Waters (Aer’s then must have been the hand which held out the three rhododendrons and | intoxicated, and er a rude canopy sate a the polyanthus from behind the pink and silver curtains of that emerald-green aroba!), and | dozen of officers, of whom a gigantic woolly- was pleased with my personal appearance. Nisoona! thou art not the first, by long chalks, | haired mulatto seemed the chief ; he had skin wi ies tame distin We tee | of wine by his side as big as a portmanteau ; and

“Wishing to soothe every lady’s disappointment as much as possible —when a hint was was gnawing a leg of lamb with his long fangs, given me in a certain august quarter—I told one of the few falsehoods which I have uttered holding it up with his huge fists, and glaring at m my life, and said I was married in my own country. And the upshot of this silly fib was me over the meat, to a how — ms is to lie. =— . ™ _ yes @s —— fn I— a you, “The young s imperial other did not seem to consider my previous marriage | gentlem aptains ieutenants of thi an dinetin. * All that we s require is that Nisoona shall be the first wife; and if the prety regimen . : second makes any objection, my dear Colonel,’ the Sultana-Mother said, in her arch way,| “* Yes,’ they replied, seasoning their ‘answer “there is plenty of <= the bazaars, and the Bosphorus is very — | with curses in a hundred dialects. “To have the rank of Pasha, and a palace at Constantinople and at Therapia, with fi | “*Then stand up!’ I roared out, ‘whilst I millions of piastres down, and jewels to a still larger amount ; to divide the command with read my commission’—and according] Omer Paswa ; and, at the ont of the war, to have the hereditary pashalic of Syria, with that document from the aide-de-ccmp (who, built for me at Jerusalem, Damascus, and Beyroot—these, I confess, were | e must say, trembled likea mould of jelly), 1 kissed offers, not to be attributed so much to my merit, no doubt, as to the passion which young | the paper, held it to my forehead times, and Nisoowa had conceived for me: who is, as is well known, her imperial father’s favourite, to | then read it to the men, whom his Highness can refuse nothing. | “*Ho! ho! ho! and so you are the Colonel “The poor thing actually tried to fascinate me by her simple accomplishments, and sang! are you?’ yelled the Bimbashi, laying his leg me one or two songs to her guitar. Asking me if I was aoe a musician, I took up the! of lamb down and springing up, rubbing the little imstrument and , Who fears to speak of Ninety-Hight?’ (out of my friend gravy off his mouth with his great brawny arm.— Durry’s paper,) in a way which brought tears into the eyes of the Pr—ne—ss—s, No wonder|‘ A ! and a Giaour, and you are come to they were affected as the poor Exile sang ! be set over us ae yet Bese Ce gies, “ But marriage and turning Turk was quite another paire de bottes. When Nisoona went sentinels ! Take that Russian’s head off the dag, weeping out of the room, led away by her maids, and her grandmother Ee the — to eS , ; me point-blank, I was about to answer point-blank, No! but a look from my friend, the! “* Who sides with the Sultan, and who with dancing de put me on my guard. ‘Madam,’ said I, ‘I must ask your R—y—1/ the Major?’ says I. . : rmission to have some conversation with my reverend friend here regarding the two| “‘ We propose that the promotion goes with aiths, and if he can convince me—then, indeed!* She is a very warm partisan of her creed ; | the regiment,’ roared out the officers. she gave me a couple of little tracts, ‘The Washerwoman of Therapia,’ and ‘The Boatman of! “* Where are the non-commissioned officers ?’

VOL. XXVII, D

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22 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI says |. Seven or eight of them were standing apart as I saw. ‘ Let the men fal] in!’ I roared, ‘Captains, go to your companies. Major ! ’— “ What I was going to say to hum does not matter; for the ruffian fired a shot at me, and then sent the pistol flying at my head. “Tt knocked down the poor aide-de-camp who was with me—upon which, seeing I had to do with nine ruffians, of course I produced my | Revolvers, one of Cort’s and one of Hawpcock’s, regarding the respective merits of which, there has been some question. “The practice, as 1 take it, is pretty equal. With the Corr I shot three captains, two lieutenants, missing No. 6, the ensign—with the Hanpcock I potted two ensigns, a captain, a lieutenant, and finally my friend the major, sending a ball into his great mouth, and stopping his horrid language for the future towards his colonel and your “ Basni-Bozouk.” PUNCH’S HANDBOOKS TO THE CRYSTAL PALACE. THE EGYPTIAN COURT. Iuacrnine that we have asked a policeman the nearest way to Egypt, and that he has civilly told us, to “take the first on the left,” we shall find ourselves at the end of an avenue of Lions, which would not under ordinary circumstances be an agreeable promenade ; but fancying our- selves on an equality with any of the Lions of the place we are induced to enter. We find ourselves opposite to the entrance of a Temple, and having a sort of natural aversion to the Temple—from legal associations with which the Lions’ mouths, and their formidable amount of jaw, may have some subtle connection—we pause to examine the exterior. (he anintelligible hieroglyphics that surmount the Egyptian Temple in the Crystal Palace help to carry us to the Temple in Feet Street, for | there is a close analogy betaveen the jargon of law and the language of ElolibyAls mystery. We learn, however, that certain strange figures, of which the least inscrutable are a pair of sugar tongs, a curtain ring, a short , German pipe, and the blade of a knife, are the names of Her Maszsry anp Prince Anpert. It is fortunate for the Queen that she has not to make the sign manual in Egyptian characters, for if she did, she would be compelled to copy the Royal sugar tongs and scribble short German pipes over every official document re- quiring her signature. On the frieze we find a horse-shoe, a billiard ball, a quantity of strange birds, an individual going either to hang himself or jump out of window, and a few other equally brilliant designs, which we find signify altogether that “Hea Masesty the ruler of the waves,” (we thought Britannia did | that part of the business) “the chiefs, Be architects, sculptors and painters, erected this palace with a thousand colours, a thousand decorations, a thousand statues — of chiefs and ladies, a thousand flowers, a e—— ] thousand birds and beasts, a thousand 4 tanks, and a thousand vases.” This lan- guage is evidently borrowed from an old declaration in an action for an assault, in which the defendant was y alleged to have given “a thon- sand blows with a thousand arms, on a thousand eyes, a thousand noses, and a thousand mouths, whereby the plaintiff had sustained a thousand pounds damages.” The same inscription is repeated in other places with the addition of a figure like a chimney pot which means stability, a racket which repre- sents life (though it would seem to be limited to a rackety life) and an utterly inexplicable figure which is said to stand for purity, though to us it appears purely pos ame The columns of the facade have their capitals adorned with palm and lotus, both of which are so effective, that both seem to bear the palm when separately examined. On entering the door, we see on the wall a representation of the triumph of Rameses Tug Taian, who, seatedin his chariot, looks on at his seribes counting the number of hands cut from the slain, while the few bearers in attendance aid him to look coolly on at the shocking spectacle. On the other sidé is a battle scene, in which a chief and a charioteer are both falling by the hand of the king, who, if he has not two strings to his bow, seems to have at all events two victims to his arrow. Passing onward we take a glance at the eight gigantic figures of tameEses holding the crook and flail, which are emblematical of his power to punish and protect, to cherish and to thrash his people. The figures in the Egyptian Court are mere ciphers compared with the originals; but, though the directors would not bave objected to the highest figure in point of expense, they were compelled by the space at their disposal to depart from facts, by the diminution of their figures. One of the most beautiful objects in the Egyptian Court is a representation—im rather ee circumstances—of the famous Temple of Kanwac at Thebes. This temple was com- meneed by Ostris THE Frest, and was finished by some subsequent Rameses, who put his name to the work,—though the idea was not his own—a practice which is still prevalent. We must not overlook the Temple of ABoo Smet, though it was overlooked for many centuries until BurcKHARDT recognised a row of heads in the sand, which had been running from the hour glass of Time for ages over them. He fancied that where heads had been found, temples might be discovered. Betzont and others having cleared away the sand, made their way into this wondrous monument in Nubia, which, but for their researches, might as well have been in Nubibus. Raseses himself is, im the original, sixty-one feet high, while the Sun at his side, to whom he is offermg a statue of Truth, is only twenty feet high, and we cannot help feeling that the offer of a statue of Truth comes with but an ill grace from a figure embodying in its exaggerated size a most enormous falsehood. The model in the Crystal Palace is only one tenth of the size of the original, but the two figures in what is called the Sydendam transept are full-length copies, and are so capacious that a public house might be started, called the Kameses Head, im the occiput of either one of them. On the left hand is the Philoe Portico, among the prominent features of which are the faces of an ape, a hawk, a man, and ajackal. Figures of this description in wax or porcelain were often pi witha mummy, and there are cases in which a mon- key and an ass are found on each side of a man, who is thus represented as something between an ape and a donkey. Passing through a doorway, we come to the Inner Egyptian Court, where we find a standard bearer, walking with his left leg first, which is the peculiarity of every ptian statue, and would seem to show a superstition of the tians, that in placing the left leg , they were putting their best leg foremost. Proceeding th the Court of Amunothph, which 1s of the real size, we come to the fagade of the outer Egyptian Court, which is adorned with various more or less interesting figures : one of them re nts NiLus bringing her productions on a sort of tray, for the Egyptians always draw the Nile as a young woman acting in the capacity of a waitress, or gomg round with the tray at a tea-party. The image of Truth is frequently introduced as an of Egyptian art, and when we look at the false representations of nature with which Egypt abounds, we cannot be surprised that Truth appears as an image, or, in other words, as an imaginary character. Re-entering the Inner Court, we come to a portico, the capitals of whose columns are adorned with a capital imitation of the lotus. Above them is the head of an Egyptian Venus, whose ears are those of a cow, and are fair specimens of carving. DAKE]

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j PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. On quitting Egypt by the entrance towards the Greek Court, we} | may observe some interesting subjects on the facade, and among) THE SEA FIGHT OF SEBASTOPOL. | pouring over him im rapid succession the contents of several vessels. others, is the initiation of the King into the sacred mysteries, by (RUSSIAN ACCOUNT) Having attended the reader through the Egyptian Court, we will| OBSERVING an | request him to take an imaginary turn with us to Egypt itself, whose| 1 Anglo-French gigantic monuments are the oldest and largest in the world, so that| -s squadron, con- modern art has never outgrown the ancient, although growing out of | 5 eae sisting of 10 it. The two pyramids were built by two kings, Cuzors and Necnoso, f sail of the line, who had such an idea of their own greatness that they thought nothing | ’ detached some less than the pyramid would be large enough for them to be buried in. | distance from The Egyptians used tocut forms of arehitecture in the rocks, a the main fleet, ractice W has long been followed by the people of Ramsgate, who | - which number- Look cut coal sheds out of the solid cliff om their Pier, with much inge- ; ed many hun- nuity. The Obelisk is also of Egyptian origin, and needs no description ~~ —— dred men-of- as the article is one with which we have all been placed on terms of = war and fri- familiarity ing on contempt—by the bit of masonry im the ; =——™ gates, our two | Blackfriars Road and the Waithman monument in Fleet Street. ; =~ steamers, Gro- Here we take leave of the reader for the present, to proceed to our NY 4g monassetz anc office in Bride Court,—a Court which, for “the vast renown it hath : Wladimir, is- acquired ” will some day be added to the other Courts in the Crystal — > SP Tr sued from the P: - ‘) ae Se- ——————_—_ =— —S , ee : - bastopol in or- x SY . “y e der to chastise A SCIENTIFIC QUESTION. \ ; ae ; —~ the insolence eT hy ed == Of the enemy, P at Fag sg 4nd if you do a, you have such am a m- who had 7 extraordinary talent u ignorance, that even your igno- : - ; to approach to rance is far more waluable than inoviedes of other people. . , ov JI within a few “| perceive, Six, that, amswerimg the urgent call Re paper—(the _ . versts of the article having beeome monstrously scarce in consequence, of the cash- Fa a ‘ range of the nayments in whitey-browm by Austria)—a Frenchman, one M. Vivex, —— y guns of the i for the manufacturing of paper —F Imperial for- other vegetable matter. ’ > tress. is it to consider the matter too| With » temerity which was not to have been expected after their M. Viven’s process, a fine | defeat at Odessa, the French and English ships maintained their of “Whole Duty a Mon d in clear | position, and awaited the conflict, which, hey did % of Man” printed in c type on | position, awaited the conflict, which, however, they did not venture | Exe “reduced “ Ready Heekoner ;” even a fashionable duches# rustle in | ines, Gromonassetz fired a nimety-eight pounder, which carried | | leaves of “The Co: Footman,” t of what was once a Bishop? A of the to imtiate. p,” might find himself upom the stalls as a| _A summons to surrender having been received by the enemy in ‘ | away the mainmast of the British flagship. A similar ball discharged “Very curious, Mr. Punch, are the day-dreams of science! With| by the Wladimir sent two French vessels of 100 and 150 guns to the | this profound reflection, | bottom. “T remain, yours, The enemy then opened a fire upon us, which may be described as “Weaset Wipeawaxe.” | terrific, om account of its noise, but which did comparatively little — “| damage, although it lasted for full six hours. Our loss amounted to Seas eae two or three killed, and about twenty scratched and otherwise slightly wounded ; inelusive of some officers. The bowsprit of the Wiadimir THE DOWNFALL OF DOWNING STREET. | was on by a round shot, and the topsail of the Gromonassetz was ; ou | torn by the explosion of a shell. Tue friends of the Ministers have reason to be alarmed at the shakey! Qn the part of the enemy the loss must have been very severe. | condition of the Foreign Office, which seems to threaten the downfall | Besides the French vessels sunk by the Wladimir, an Pnglish line-of- | propped up—a fact which we hear without surprise, for if “the party ' required. It seems that a dinner cannot be given, because there is no | of at least one department of the Government. It seems that the! battle shi € : . Foreign Secretary cannot give a party without having the building | powder mugueine he ~~ = _ fron tay by dey — 'vessel constituted a miracle of gunnery, taking effect, as intended, | under wate, at anes oe mj lier of an English serew- kitchen ; and indeed if there were a kitchen, it is probable there would | esveral lest thee wedidomn, = > ond be so many Whig cooks on the look-out for employment, that they; The unequal contest continued during the greater part of the day would spoil the broth among them. If the Foreign Secretary cannot | when the hostile sqnadson, se much as remained of it, took to flight, as consists of the old Whig party, a great amount of propping up must be some neighbouring tavern, to which an order for “six beefs,” and so| give a dinner cooked at home, we suppose he must have it sent in from | fast as its disabled ition permitted. Our two gallant little | i gave chase, and had nearly overtaken their many breads and v les, according to the number of the guests, will | ponents, whom they would certain! captur have been previously forwarded. If, however, the Foreign Secretary | ns me fects, = to the poo yn = p—~ phe cannot always offer to those who drop in upon him the luxury of | ing that brav i “hot joints,” it may be convenient at times to give them the “cold| - sen an they aaa hardly be justi _ od Au a ing it. T | shoulder. | therefore slowly returned to Sebastopol, covered vith sry, — We are told that on one occasion of a dinner having been given, the| singing songs of triumph, while loud lamentations resounded from the armament. | ceiling fell into the soup-plates, and furnished a species of white — | hostile | that was not altogether agreeable. The incident probably hap _ our relations -_ wer ete + unsettled, and the las | of Paris was not so y united with the Foreign Office as could have | ennobled two Captains of | been desired. We are rather surprised at what we have heard, for we | and a conferri His Lmperial Majesty bas issued commands for a 7 Deum to be sung ter in all churches as a thanksgiving for this glorious —~ | He has the ees ay Deer yey RAGANOFF, whe , ' on them also the rank of Admirals. All always thought the Foreign Office was the very last of our Government | the officers have been proportionably advanced ; the seamen have been | departments that was likely to give way—which it mever would have | raised to the rank of lieutenants ; and all the ecabin-boys and powder- | done while upheld by such a pillar of strength as Parmenston. monkeys promoted to be midshipmen. : . A Difficult Calling. Pleasure at Pleasure Gardens. Ir may be all very well to say that the office of a tax-gatherer needs BrTWEEN a man who goes up in a balloon to come down in a para-/ no great ability for the fulfilment of its duties, but there is no employ- chute, and any one who resorts to see him, there is this difference, that ment whieh requires such constant application. the former risks his neck, and the latter does not. As the one, | | however, is aecessary to the other’s suieide in case that other should) Twe Srustrraw Orexation.—As the Russian soldier tastes so get killed, it may well be questioned whether the law ought not to| much of the stick, it is no wonder that he should take the first oppor- place the speetator in equal peril with the aéronant. | tunity of cutting i 5) a i. San A! la St a Sg Cee.

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24 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL WHAT A DREADFUL STORY! Stout Party. “Stor! Here! Casman! We Want To GO AS FAR TER-WARDS WHITECHAPEL AS WE CAN FOR SixpENce?” Cabman, “Very sonny, Mum! But tae Oss HAS BIN OUT ALL DAY—DEAD BEAT, Mum—cornc Home, Mom!” A RETIREMENT FOR LORD JOHN RUSSELL. Tus Journal des Débats, in an article on the recent failures of the | English Government, alludes to Lorp Jonw Russext having drowned his own offspring—his Reform Bill—in a river of his own tears, and concludes by saying, that there will be no resource for him but Chelsea or Greenwich. The Débats being the best informed French paper on English affairs, we may form some idea of the extent of knowledge that’ exists in France on matters of the kind, when the highest authority in | the Parisian press expects Lonp Jonn Russet to end his official career as a Chelsea pensioner or a Greenwich “ collegian.” Fancy Lorp Jown in a blue coat and cocked-hat, walking about Greenwich Park, offering to show the public a cockroach through a microscope, or telling of the many political contests in which he has passed his life, and asking for a trifle to buy a little extra ’bacco. Such is the termi- nation to his political life, which the Journal des Débats seriously anticipates for Lonp Jonn Russet, when pointing to Chelsea or | Greenwich as the only alternative that is left to him. We should like our Parisian contempo to tell us what is to become of Lonp ABERDEEN, for whom a ge at one of the Park Gates—with the privilege of selling curds and whey—would perhaps | seem an appropriate retirement in the eyes of one who can see nothing | | better than Greenwich Hospital as an asylum for Loxp Joun Russz1. | A Tit-bit from the “Invalide Russe.” | | “ Tie English newspapers are full of the heroism of one Lucas (a non | lucendo), who, in the recent nt of ten English steamers with | three Russian corvettes, off Se pol, picked up a shell and flung it overboard before it exploded. What is this to the heroism of our Russian mothers and children, the former of whom have been seen (as | even the English newspapers admit) through the telescopes of the | officers on board the English fleet, peacefully seated at needlework, by | their villas, on the delightful shores of the Crimea, while their infants playfully picked up the shells—at their feet! ” RASCAL WORSHIP. THERE is a species of cant whereby Mr. Punch has of late been frequently disgusted, and which he hopes will not, after this warning, be repeated, to the excitement of nausea on the of all nee organized stomachs. An honest execration of the Emperor or Russia is met with the remark that he is an amiable creature in private life, or even that he is personally a fine uoble fellow. This, not only of the Monarch who has caused a much greater sum of human suffermg than Nero, if not than all the worst of the Casars together, but of the gentleman who flogs women and forfeits his word! It is not fine to talk this sort of cant, as those who are addicted to it appear to think ; it does not show any superiority to vulgar feeling, but on the contrary, a very remarkable sympathy with the class “Snob.” Scarcely a com- mon murderer is in the dock who is not reported as having a mild expression of countenance, or comes to be hanged without having numerous instances of benevolence and amiability recorded of him. The base mind delights in magnanimous rascals and gentle villains ; and the apologists of Nicnoas, whatever their rank may be, whoever are their tailors, belong in spirit to the same vile herd as those whose weak sympathies with Tuurren or with Rusu are addressed by the penny-a-liner. Shocking Case of Retribution. A Teetotat Spy, watching a tavern-door in Glasgow, the door was swung-to with such malicious force, that it shut in the points of three of his fingers! The yell of the spy—says the Glasgow Post—cannot be described: but such suffering was trifling compared with what was to follow. A doctor was called in, who immediately ordered half-a-pint of whiskey and water wherein to steep the teetotaller’s fingers ! Hore vor THE Perseverinc Stupent.—The man who has suc- cessfully sought a needle in a bundle of hay, need not despair of finding the book which he inquires for at the British Museum.

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| ‘ P| . ye i a r ull} j ‘ Ie NN i. iS uN q | " | ot Wag! NTH hy ' Meth attege “ BE TAKEN AT . BED-TIME | THESE PILLS “To | ea th | ie ‘ha y i == = a ir THE REAL “INVALIDE RUSSE.” —= JuLy 22, 1854.] [Puscu, No, 680.

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S®moedae

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL SPORTING IN THE SOUTH. i HE Richmond Examiner, A JUDICIAL LEAP IN THE DARK. Serseant Apams has been sometimes called “ singular ” of the Slave States, | in his mode of administering justice, but when we examine suggests the neces-| the acts of his deputy, Mr, Wirmam, we are enabled to shooting all | acquit both of singularity by saying there is decidedly “a schoolmasters so-| pair of them.” ‘The other day M sity of nk. Wirnam got hold ever. A murderer, | of the string so often harped wpon by Serseawr Apams, named dd =Wanrp, is|and the Deputy twanged away at it, in a style of acquitted for assas-| slap-dashiness quite worthy of his principal. sinating one of the} objects to sum worthy ADAMS jurisdiction, and so does Witham, tribe; and the #-|and so, in fact, do we, if summary jurisdiction is to aminer speaks of} consist in entrusting to one man the power of passin the matter as only | such sentences as are often passed at Clerkenwell anc an opening of what | Middlesex. ought to be con- sidered season in the south. | was found Among other cases tried before the Deputy Assistant- was one of prison-breaking, of which the accused ilty, when Mn. Wiruam, in passing sentence, the sporting | J This is, certainly, | declared “he should have done the same thing himself,” teaching the young|that “he did not see what the man was to be punished idea how to shoot for,” and that “justice would be satisfied by sentencing their guides, philo- | him to twelve months’ hard labour.” sophers, and friends, It is rather difficult to get at the rationale of all this; The Braminer does | but it would be a perfectly legitimate logical deduction to not go into the par- | say, that Ma. Wirnaa, in his own opinion, deserves twelve ticulars tion, and so forth ; | should of ammuni-| months’ imprisonment. Against such an authority we be sorry to appeal, and therefore, when he says that but it would surely | he would do as the prisoner has done, we, remembering ' give a zest to | that the will is the essence of the deed, and presuming | the sport, if every|Me. Wrrnam to have been just in inflicting twelve schoolmaster was shot with a bullet cast from his own leaden inkstand, the rifle | months’ imprisonment for an act which he himself would wadded with a moral omy hed the early murderer’s copy-book. says the Examiner, “ that t caught tampering with our e imagine,” | have committed, can only conclude that he feels himself ropriety of shooting an abolition schoolmaster when | entitled to a year’s hard labour. It is true he remarked ves has never been questioned by any intelligent | that “he did not see what the prisoner was to be punished Southern man.” Thus, to be true children of Columbia, the children must be the | for,” but as Justice is said to be blind, a sentence in the sons of guns! dark is perhaps excusable. MUSIC FOR MARS. Tue Scutari Special Correspondent of the Morning Post describes a military mass which was performed the other day m the open air by our French allies at Adrianople. ‘To judge from the following passage | in his account of the mass, it certainly does appear to have been a very military service indeed :— “ At the elevation of the Host a salvo of five guns was fired, and three colours, sur- mounted by the Imperial eagle, were dipped, and all the troops presented arms with bended knees. At this moment the coup d'@il was truly imposing. When the mass was ended, the ‘ Domine salvum fac Imperatorem Napoli ’ was chanted, and a gun announced the énd of the ceremony.” The boom of ordnance:does seem a rather odd accompaniment to the Canon of the Mass. “ Gloria in Excelsis, &c. Ei in terrd pax” gene- rally comes next. In a military mass, accompanied with artillery, the word “ Pax” is perhaps ex ed into Paixhans. Or, peradventure, it is sung very small, and pro so that the passage in the Roman liturgy alluded to would be heard as “ Et in terra” —bang! The [te Missa est, too, would be appropriately followed by an explosion in lieu of a benediction. The clash of swords, moreover, might mingle with the roar of great guns ; so that the mass- music would be vapliee Manrs-music. These are the reflections which naturally occur to the mind of a os and a Protestant on perusing the above statement: the author | of which, however, appends to his narrative a comment conceived in a sublimer spirit ; observing that “It is very gratifying to find that the God of Forces is set before Mahommedans by the allied armies.as the Giver of all victory.” This may be very gratifying to the Russians; but to whom besides can it afford any reasonable gratification? To represent the “God of Forces” to the Turks as the deity of the allied armies, can only confirm them in the persuasion that we are idolatrous giaours. Certainly, the celebration of divine worship by means of cannon is galculated to im- press them with a notion that we do adore that deity ; and perhaps at this moment they are convineed that Christians venerate the offspring of Juno. For further mformation concerning the “God of Forces” than what may be found in Lempritre’s Classical Dictionary, the corre- spondent of the Post should resort to a Sunday School, or invite the visit of a Scripture reader. Count Pahlen in Parliament. We hope, for his own sake, that Count Pan.en is-too wise to return to Russia. After the praise bestowed upon him by the House of Lords, he would imevitably be packed off to Siberia. ly a the report of a howitzer, | u DIRTY MONEY. | | In the Daily News, a Mn. Lustre’s sense of propriety is duly out- | raged by a daily practice : | lips and even mouths, by holding money between their teeth. | } | | | “ A numerous class of men and women who chiefly travel by omnibuses, defile their | This is intolerable ; and marks either the ignorance, or the unseemili- | |ness of the offenders. Mu. Leste pathetically asks—“ Can these | persons be aware of the quintessence of filth worked by dirty fingers | into the rims of coins and on their uneven surface, putting aside the fear of contagion, &c.?” This onght to be thought of. Considering | too the dirty means by which, in this vale of tears, money is sometimes obtained, the com, held even in the mouth, is doubly dangerous. Never- theless;!we fear Mx. Lesure preaches to an adder-d | can money be foul? Money has no odour, said the Pecunia non olet, All money—however obtained—is clean, is the belief of a very numerous class of persons who do not ride inomnibuses, but in vehicles of family exclusiveness. Money, like fermenting wine, cleanses and purges i of all original foulness ; otherwise, could it be have money between their lips—money even in their mouths ? Were it wn that money was liable to harbour dirt and infection would it be necessary to warn stock-jobbing Christians of the peril to a paternal French government has, on its part and the part of Hngland, warned all French and Knglish subjects against the dirty money offered with dirty interest by the Empzror Nicnotas—“ Every British sub- ject”’—runs the notification—“ subscribing to a loan intended for a power at war with Great Britain will be guilty of high treason, as affording aid to the enemies of the Queen.” ‘This warning is enough | to spoil the taste of Russian money in the mouth, even of Ben Isnans, making what before was sweet as the manna of the wilderness, as foul and defiling as Russian tallow, or lard of Russian wild-boar. The Glass without the Wine. We do not believe the following statement of the Builder. “A Temprnawce ‘ Pacace.’—An t is on foot amongst the friends of Temperance, offended Zoological Gardens, to erect a large building of glass. We have not yet the cise partienlars before us, but understand that it is £1 shares, and that the gardens have been provisionally purchased for £25,000.” llectis oe Ae hate aa othe Sumey Look ical Garde collecting their disci at t foological Gardens, because this would be, clearly, inviting and encouraging them to make beasts of themselves. the sale of wine, &c., at Sydenham, to purchase the Surrey | pre- to raise £100,000 by 100,000 mment for | eaf generation. How | oman emperor. | thought,'that the most worshipful members of society would continually , be encountered im the Russian loan? Nevertheless the benevolence of | cet ale NRE teen

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28 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ii MATERNAL SOLICITUDE. | FIRST COUSIN TO CHOLERA, | Dar. Ropert Lez has written a book, in which jhe describes a rate of me, more than | 20,000 a year above the natural average, as | having prevailed on the confines of Circassia | during the last 28 years, amounting, im round | aumbers, to 600,000 deaths. From the same | cause an unknown but enormous loss of life has, ‘according to Dr. Lee, occurred also in Persia and Poland ; besides 300,000 persons swept off in Turkey during 1828-9 ; of these 50,000, however, having been destroyed by the concurrence of the lordinary plague. To the above victims, the | Doctor adds 30,000 and upwards, fallen in the Prineipalities since their occupation : the whole lof these unfortunate wretches having been | subjects of Russia; and an incalculable number of Circassians, Persians, Pol a oe —— It = t be su ie that Dr, LEE 1s ri ravages of t Small-pox, Typhus, or Cholera: this is not so; he is only recounting the murders of the Czar. | It is said, by the way, that the Cholera has | broken out in Cronstadt. Perhaps this is only | person, to encourage his troops, has appearance in the garrison. ~ Eastern Occupation. ‘Tue Anglo-French forces in the East are called an army of occupation; but whatever | their occupation may be, they seem to be doing very little. Indeed it may be questioned whether Me. Joseru Mitter would not be justified in Anxious Parent. “On, wy Dear Caartes! How orp you nurt your Leas? axp How! describing the _—— troops as doing nothing, can YOU GO ABOUT IN THAT DISTRESSINGLY sWELL’D COND SPIRITUAL WORKHOUSE GRUEL. Tire subjoined advertisement appears to indicate that the _— a of regaling the inmates of workhouses on a coarser kind and a smaller quantity of food, is extended to their spiritual dietary :— YMINGTON UNION.—CHAPLAIN.—The Board of Guardians of 4 the Lymington Union will, on the 17th July next, APPOINT a CHAPLAIN of the Workhouse. Salary £50. Duties, a day service, with a sermon every Sunday, and on Good Friday and Christmas-day, weekly visits to the sick, and generally the duties of the office as defined by Article 211 of the General Order of the Poor Law Commissioners of the 24th July, 1847. Applications, with testimonials, to be addressed to the Board of Guardians, under cover to the Clerk, on or betore the 15th July. Lymington, June 26, 1854, JOSEPH ROBINS, Clerk. The manna thus provided for paupers at £50 a year by the Poor Law Commissioners will, those gentlemen perhaps expect, prove deficient both in quality and amount. The allowance must, at least, be scanty, considering the number of mouths to be fed; with but one pastor. Fifty pounds a year salary to a Chaplain may possibly be meant for a sort of out-door relief to a necessitous clergyman, sufficient just to keep him, and enable him to go about in a threadbare coat out at elbows. In fixing so shabby an allowance, the Poor-Law Commis- sioners must, of course, contemplate a corresponding recipient. They know, themselves, what a handsome stipend is; enjoying £1500 per annum apiece. It would be wrong, however, to impute to the Commissioners a meaner motive than that which may, in reality, have actuated them. Perhaps they considered that the Gospel could be preached to the poor most effectually by the poor; and that a hungry congregation would give peculiar attention to the discourses of a preacher exhorting them on an empiy stomach. If a stipend of nineteen shillings a week is all that a Union can afford for the services of a Workhouse Chaplain, and if it is not thought ab- stractedly desirable that he should be a starveling and a pnt. it is to be wished that the poverty of the apostolic man could be qualified by the mitigation which tempered the poverty of the Apostles. He should be allowed to work with his own hands ; to add the mending of shoes to the cure of souls ; and to do gardening, carpentry, or any other odd jobs of an honest nature. Or if, as would be the case of the reverend gentleman who should undertake the Lymington Union, unable to eke out a living by such means for want of time, he ought to 1T10N 2” and the French as helping them. ive mode of stating that Nicnonas in |a figurati N. | THE BURIAL OF THE SESSION’S BUSINESS. Nor an Act was t t As each Bill till next Session was buried ; Not e’en SistHorr discharged a random shot At the style in which business was hurried. We burried Supply through at dead of the night, To account W ar’s necessities turning ; Of Hume and of Wrii1aMs making light, And the candle at both ends burning. Pam’s New Police Bili was laid to rest, . (Vhe Mayors and Town-Councils got round him) ; Election abuses we should have supprest, But we left them much as we found ’em, Civil Service schemes we ’ve put snugly to bed (Though TreveLyan’s a troublesome fellow) ; Young Offenders to deal with, we were to ’ve essayed, But they ’re left till next Session, to mellow, Largely we puffed, when the Session began, Our intentions—how deeply we laid ’em ; But, somehow or other, the House took each plan And arrangement we ’d made, and unmade ‘em. By August the Session’s task will be done ; We shall have an excuse for retiring ; And then we may look to see business begun With more action, and less aspiring. The historian will write on our funeral stone, Vhen resolved into Whig dust and Tory— “ They passed not a bill, but they raised not a loan ; Be this their sole title to glory!” sed—nothing came to a vote, A Shaky Sovereign. Tue vacillation exhibited by the Krxe or Prussta has been attri- be suffered to go into partnership with a tradesman ; or his wife should be — to set up a chandler’s shop, or take in washing, or conduct a mangle. buted to the influence of Cliequot, taken in ,. om his Masgsty’s counsels. After all, a Monarch is but a man, and we alb know that too much champagne will make apy man unsteady. ee SS a ree) oe)

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=. Se a

! | | | and march off at upper entrance left, where is a finger-post marked, | To the Baltic ow.’ ; real one. Oh for one hour of him whose title’ you bear. | strong man armed | road). So, my good friend, the

_ PUNCH,

OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 29

IMAGINARY CONVERSATION.

PARTIES. Hiss Maseery tas Emrrrog Lovrs Napot EON. Huw Hiemyess THe Lonp Prorecror Puycu.

Scenz.—The top of the Boulogne Column. Trse.—Afler the Revieb of Wednesday, July 12th, Y85A. The Emperor (who has been watching the troops depart by the Calais are gone And now let our adored | Nic#oxas look out. Between the Anglo-French fleet and those brave | fellows, St. Petersburg will be a pleasant locality. The Protector. Will your Majesty l pany me to say one word ? The Emperor. My dear Lord Punch, you can never offend me except by your silence. The Protector, The word then, your Majesty, which I would offer in reply to your observation, is simply this. Bau! The Emperor. You are incapable of incivility, my Lord, and you have a meaning, for which I will trouble you. The Protector. | admire the soldiers we have just inspected, your Majesty. I admire your Majesty’s fleet in the Baltic. I meed not say that 1 admire our own. But all my admiration fails to discern’ any particular danger to the Emrznon or Russia. Nor, permit me to say 30, does your Majesty discern it. The Emperor (after a pause and in a low voice). You ane wonderful man. The Protector (modestly). I am so, your Majesty. * had deemed unfathomable. The Protector, Vf my instinct is indiscreet, your Majesty, I ean only regret it. The Emperor, There is no cause for regret. On the contrary, I rejoice that there is one mind in Europe to which I can freely open my own. Punch! | am very weary of this humbug war. The Protector. Your Majesty has properly characterized it. The ror. We are playing another act of the farce. The stage direction is “Enter several thousand French soldiers, headed by GeneraL Baracuay D’Hirirers. They parade round the stage, The Protector. And for all the good they will do, they may as well change their dresses behind yonder trees, and return to their vineyards and cornfields. The Emperor, True. Oh that we could convert this sham war into a The Protector. Does your Majesty allude to a certain Chancellor of the University of Oxford, best known as Otrven CromwELt. The Emperor. Hm! Were he England, I being France, where were ussia ? The Protector. Slightly crumpled, [ humbly coneeive, your Majesty. For the jest’s sake, oe me that man, Sire, and speak your med. The . We should need little speaking, then, my friend. A h his house, but take two strong men armed not ali her a Nevertheless, I im await thy men. When they —- : = tyrant and the and The Emperor. 1 believe that you have fathomed a thought which I} 7%, Danorse Wien shall Pramas, Ge i !

(eall them OuiveR Louis), and every man’s house would be theirs to keep. Answer for him, Puack. The Protector (s ). Of a verity, Kixe or France, there is man’s) work to do, and that night early. Art ready oe in thy sickle ? The Eimperor (admirmgly.) Good—good. aiting, Oxiver. It is| | England who has been or rather her Government, and its head, | my Lornp ABERDEEN. The Protector (with a grim emile). Aye. It may have been so. But | I have gone something suddenly to work. Marry, I have swept. y. Aperpzen will hinder no longer. The Government is | now certain able scribes who take my orders, and woe to him that | slacketh. Moreover, I have sent two words to Duspas, touching | yon Sebastopolis. He had best obey them. : The Emperor. Might I guess—they are “ Take it.” The Protector. Thou hast it. i ie | MERSTON to Vienna, to deliver a —y * in which his jaunty soul delighteth. He will lose no syllable on the road. He is gone to tell| | Francis Joseru, that if there be a live Russian in Bucharest after

this month is out, I shall take it upon myself to desire one Kossuta | to expel the Muscovites with the aid of such Hungarians as he can The F

. What is that German song—“ The French shall never have the Rhine?” The Protector. A song that may need re-setting, if thy troops are not forwarded and helped on their way—followed, too, (for I know French- men will not be preceded) by a Prussian army 80,000 strong. Marry, there will be no mistake, for I have sent Layamp, the bull-lunter, to signify as much. The Emperor. But the diplomatic negotiations that are going cn— The Protector, Seems to me that they will |recalled all my ambassadors, and as I take | Enough of life and of lives has been lied away by such follies. My scarce continue, as I have im no foreign letters. Ultimatum has gone to Devna. The Emperor. In Suey my orders should be first heard. My army is the larger, my general the higher im rank. united armies The Protector. Nicuo.as was so pleased before, that I have given him a theme for another Ze Deum. Six ships %.. Protector (eraftily). \t may be that | have not forgotten that, but and clear the The Emperor. and CaMBRIDGE go ey: as pioneers, for the Marshal of Framee—if hewill give them time, will not. In an hour orders shall depart that the upon the enemy. What of Ouessa with the little that was done . Odessa furt, from the squadron, and re-visited the place The Emperor. And the Baltic ? The Protector. I detest profane and rash swearing; yet it seemed amiss to remind Naprern ef a vow he made on leaving Til no lives out of bravado, and he will ow hoy a, coo | falls, a ic. Verily, a work is appoin a T England shall not Punch, if such words wese 0g rrr ing fe ngly). In that case, please your would lose the inestimable advantages of enjnying the services RD Aseapeen, a Statesman whose character, whose experience, whose— The Emperor. It is now my turn, my friend, to say—‘ Ban!” [The word is repeated hy the echoes all along the English Coast.

-<) Fy « | age : 9. s C rs \h ee. = - a fos. ih . , I have sent the Lorp Par How our Porrre Corrrrncron WENT TO HFAR THE Baxsp PLAT oN tae Treneace at Sypernam.

Nicuoxas has ordered a levy en masse throughout Poland. The Fellow with the Scythe. Each raise—he has (another grim smile) some fancy that his recruiting would landed proprietor is tc supply ery Sas men, twelve of whom are to be speedy. By which route hast thou sent these soldiers to day ? Emperor. By Calais. The Protector. How! Is there no iron road to Konigsberg ? The Emperor. That is in Prussia. | col The Protector. Nay, friend, we have some smattering of geography. | England had as good schools im 1599 as in 1854. remembrance, too, of the Rhine, and of certain ancient boundaries of | does not be armed | NicHoLas, ” thinks the moralizing with outes, F is . and Turks, French, and English, all the same crop. But _ there are reports from St. Petersburg t | contemptuous of the order of the Czar; a scythe that cuts very without ever being whetted t We have some it is, that this ald mower, who continues to make his meal on Nicnoras, only carry a scythe, but bears a glass tell of a certain scythe, very cutly The worst of even a tomb-stone. ; an hour-glass, whose France. Dost think the muddle-witted sciolist, Kose Ciicqvor,|sand—even at the bidding of the master of sixty millions—is not to be would like to see the map of Europe reconstructed after hy fashion? thrown in the eyes of the nations.

| } | }

i a] : ‘ 4 ‘ jagpesiine? ; aera ee Nae

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SEO a Pek wee a Oe ee a, age: C—O ——

it

<* GST ” Sashererali y Ly ad ‘ ‘~ =v See Tet We ru dah lens SESE SVONY FE ld ae qe _—__—"___

Jommercial Gent. “ Tuis War, Sir, WILL BE A TERRIBLE HINDRANCE TO ALL KINDS OF Bustness |” Swell. “ Aw—Dessay ! | tT’ ALL KINDS OF Business.” | palace shutters.

KING JUNIPER’S SUNDAY. Kine Juniper reigns in his Gin Palace on a Sunday. The Church closed, Kine Junrrer opens his ce door, and takes down his Mr. Hume’s motion in the House of Commons is | to give to the Muses the like privileges enjoyed by the alcoholic despot. , Shall the Goat-in-Boots serve out quarterns, half-quarterns of gin ; and shall Painting sit with bolted doors in her National Gallery? Shall the Cock-and-Bottle crow responsively to the jocund cry for another pot, and shall the British Museum be only visited by the British Museum flea? All Mr. Hume asks is “asmall thing ;” as the Bishops said when, shudderingly, they — to the conservators of ancient sculpture—a ve a | thing. He only asks of the Government fair play between public-houses and places of public instruction: he would merely place the keepers of objects of fine arts and belles lettres on a level with waiters and tapsters. If Bulls, Red and Black and White, be open after church-hours,—why should not Mr. Layarp’s bulls be made public? Bulls, 2o¢to be taken with beer and tobacco? ‘This is Mk. Home's question, and the question is variously replied to. Mr. Epwarp Barges written a letter—long and clear as stream | of pump-water—on the intention of throwing open the Crystal Palace | to its own proprietors on Sundays. Eve man’s house is his castle, is the British boast, whether the castle be of flint or of flint-glass. But Mr. Baines apprehends in this movement only “the thin end of the wedge.” Let proprietary enter on a Sunday, and very shortly public would follow. And what then? Why then, declares Mr. Baryes, would commence a rivalry between the Church and the Crystal Palace. He says, “ { apprehend it does not admit of the slightest doubt, that the more pleasure-places you open, the more pleasure-takers there will be.” Nevertheless, political economy that, with grave looks, dogmatises mee demand regulating supply, might object to the absolute verity of this. “ Use the palace legitimately,” says Mr. Barnes, “and the most influential persons will”—do what P—“ load it with their com- mendations !” + Sir Joseru Paxton take a long, sweet sleep with that thought ; his sleep made delicious by dreams of influential persons loading his structure—(it wild bear them; being built for all sorts of descending blessings)—with commendations. The roof stood up under the snows of last winter, and will doubtless support any load cf praise ! But, should the Palace be opened after Church hours, what will be charm but virtue.” The Crystal Palace will, in fact, be only another

Crystal Venus! “ They [our influentials) will warn others against it,

30 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

D’LIGHTED TO HEAR IT—A ALWAYS HAD THE GWEATEST AVERSION the inevitable result? Why, our “influential persons will regard its | crystal attractions as the fascinations of the woman who has every | THE CZAR’S CONFUSION. ym (ptm mer gag y con Invincible because they ’re not, And proof against disease and Confi and blow, and i a A set of — and nincompoops ! eet For leaning to the coalition Against my Majesty’s ambition. Confound the peoples, whose opinion Crosses my project inion ; Confound the sovereigns who allow it To have its way, or cannot cow it. Each upon either throne who sits Confound alike; both Franz and Fritz: Whose gratit and whose devotion, I built on with so fond a notion. Confound the world, confound the weather, In short, confound it altogether, Since I must own the hope ill-grounded That I should “never be confounded.”

Quaee ror THE CaNtne Fancy.—As dogs of draught are now illegal, will it be lawful for a | dog to draw a badger ? SOE SL

and for themselves, they will—never enter it again!” Having arrived at this conviction, Mr. Barses must believe the structure doomed ; after a short time, a Crystal Babylon given up to owls and satyrs. In- fluential people refusing their shillings, in due time the whole structure will come down with a crash, and who will pick up the pieces ? Mr. Epwarp Baryes is a Lord of ] ] Broadcloth, who—let the truth be said—are at times a little more domineering and exclusive than real peers. The Lords of the Ledger are, now and then, prone to be quite as imperious at least as the Lords of the Red Book. Mee, who are these influential persons, in whose favour or disfavour the Crystal Palace must stand or fall? Is it the Duke or Devitspust? The Marquis or SHoppy? Ean. Sprvpies? Baron Cortontwist? All peers with letters patent, the letters being £. s. d.? Is it these high and mighty units, or the thousands, by tens and twenty of the uninfluential, laying down each man his influential twelvepence, who shall support their own brilliant structure—their own Crystal Palace, price one shilling? Really, we think the people need not be pawed by patronage. The can see, and judge, and act for themselves. 4 uence may, in its neglected importance, put on its nightcap and go to sleep; the people can take care of themselves. 1 The Crystal Palace Company,” says Mr. Epwarp Barnes, “like another great invading potentate, will have to beat a retreat with stained laurels.” Laurels blackened from the ink-horn of the influen- tial Mr. Epwarp Baryes; but the ink is of the most harmless sort ; there is in it neither gall nor vinegar to fix its blackness: it will wash off and leave no stain behind. In the meanwhile, according to the Lord of Leeds, we are to look upon Sr Josep Paxton as only another sort of Paxtoxorrsky leading a ks against the morality and piety of England, the aforesaid Cossacks remaining for a while disguised in an overcoat of plaster of Paris ; and—to the unsophisticated eyes of the Bench of Bishops—standing as the APoLLo Betvepere, the Indian Baccuvs, AntTrvovs, and so forth. In the meanwhile, the gates of the Crystal Palace are closed the whole of the Sabbath ; and in the meanwhile the Marquis of Granby’s Head is open after church hours; and the pewter is crowned with a crown of froth, and pungently strong the odour of shag in the bowers of the Crace Tea-Gardens.

Name and Thing. Ir appears that Mr. I. Burt could not be satisfied with bemg Burr by name. The stir which he made about Count Pauten in the House ot Commons indicates a,.desire to prove himself a Burr by nature. i Leeds ; one of the Barons of

Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 27, Victoria Street, in the Parish of St. Margaret and St. John, Westminster, both in the County of Middlesex, Printers, at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Waitetriass,in the City of London, and Published by them at No. 85, Fleet the City of Lendon.—Sarvapar, July 22, 1864. Street in the Parish of St. Bride, in

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wings, | copied by proper — at home. The one | happen Ss PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 31 IMPORTANT FROM THE SEAT OF WAR! JOURNAL OF THE SIEGE OF SILISTRIA. BY OUR OWN BASHI-BOZOUE. “ Dear Siz, “ Fort of Arab Tabia. Thursday. “TI resume my pon, one and continue my account of our siege. | T accompany the MS. wit! which you will please to have have hastily dashed off on this s pase represents ay tg, just now {with a little incident that I give you my honour I was so tired after twenty-three hours in the saddle, or in the rem that I did not care to remove the shell, but let it ‘blaze away at its leisure. It only killed nineteen men. I thought a few a of myself might please the girls at home ; or will take care the artist you employ makes me /and- home! enough , or if I survive this siege, wo be to him on my return ome ! “ Friday. After dispatching that little business with the officers, I pointed the non-commissioned officers to the vacant posts : reserving i. sees lace of Major for eA faithful friend, G * * *. Some dis- turbemes may pan sa pe | take place on account of the appointments, the Pasha in command of the town naturally liking to have the patronage. If he breaks all these ill-looking scoundrels, | shall not be a whit put out of temper. My temper, when I am p leased, is often very fine. em yp: the defunct Bimbashi’s quarters, and selected out of 8 | his s uch things as suited me. The late villain appears to have had an appetite fe for plunder: I have the less remorse in having sup- found in his rooms thirteen very handsome suits of am, ou —_ but handsome patterns. Selected for every day pope, yebew trowsers, and a shawl round my fez: for Sundays a hie blue Cashmere ditto ditto, Shulwars striped white and pea-green morocco boots with silver spurs; and another a Bechet dress for change—the rest I distributed among my men. | Besides the clothes I found, among the villain’s effects— “ A desk, marked Mr. J. T. Jonzs, containing £2000 of circular notes of Coutts’, payable to Joun Tuomas Jones, Esq., with the circular letter containing Mr. Jouw Tuomas Jones’s signature. I warn Mar. J.’s family that they can have the desk back again, containing— “ Two quires of Bath post paper, * Eighteen one containing a lock of hair, and signed your ever ever faithful Awwa Marta. “ Jones’s journal and fifteen of his inn bills (it appears he kept his accounts with much regularity). “ A box of Cockiz’s compound Antibilious Pills, of which I own to having given six one evening to one of my, Captains, Crummy Errenn1, who was indisposed, and “ The cireular letter containing Jowes’s signature. The notes, I am sorry to say, have been taken by some one, and were cashed by Messzs. NEPHELeceneres & Co., of Pera, upon a rather clumsy forgery of Jongs’s signature. “In the poor Major’s kit 1 farther found— “ A brace of een pistols, and a yataghan, with a case of oa he :oe Sanath, comuell with turquoises. If the late : I have pe much eg it suspect, ae some innocent family of Merete ‘tor Leoeld ante the villain was nen deeg Lan inted, for I could only get 500 piastres for the knife when I sold it at Adrianople. “ Proceeding in my perquisitions I discovered — roubles, chiefly of the Emperor ALExay- peR’s reign— which —I mean the paper roubles— Oo ape to the Commandant of om, 7 i fa * t to retain : the soon. drel I ory fre league with the " ~— I _— “ A portmanteau, ‘solid leather,’ | taining two dozen shirts, marked J. ri J. a ——- », ot and handkerchiefs with the - Six cal im of brown Windsor soap Kar~ a silver-mounted iieteece~athes the bottle-stoppers, &c., marked J.T. J with a lion rampant for a Si The maker, Wesr, in St. James’s “ But how the dence ean I tell to whom a - | manteau belongs marked only ‘ Warranted Solid | Leather?’ Of course ye Mpa il found the linen taet most comfortable, and the stock- | ings and slippers very pleasant for a change, when I out of the trenches. That somebody, and was a ‘Sine in wet and ioalore ee whee ite sacrificed to ibis cupidity: illain, was rightly = Saturday. Paraded a a and gave them fourteen hours under arms. Had to to chastise seven or eight of them, showing hen fv or n’entendais mos pe ~ Confiscated a goose a which our villain a fo bed out of the bazaar, and sent the giblets back to the family. On this day we received information in that a Russian —~ out of the Dobrudscha upon Rassova. Monday. My quarters are pretty in the house of the Greek Papa PotypuLesseos. His wife Boéris mie have been -looking —S r Rmopopactyios is extremely so. Sate wi them, an f peak i= vd bight ca The Shan Von Voght’ to the —- ~~ yi ” an m Van Voght’ to the ladies, ere affected to tears “ After I had done singing, — little Ruopopvactrios took the instrument, and i ve ballad respecting the late events with my regiment, “ Mipw ede, ete peyabipou MudAvyavoio,” ie my nately py: Ret translating, oo really a aye the com ents to the courage, perso appearance, &c a certain Colon lof Bas hi-Bozouks. sd come Cyoras ‘ine and we had an excellent pus, usu old Potyrniespaos found us on return from -., nada off the rice and lamb, the old man dined on the flaps of we had used for : and I left the old monster actually “A worsted stocking, con a Russia leather Pocket-book with 3673 paper roubles of Russia, and a bag of 996 silver Sioking eramks of the h! “ Tuesday. Annoyed all night by the old Papa’s snoring. Finding he VOL, XXVII. pemetimenes sn acl in ses oben tent a WE WO gas. say yr © Sei: Boe at tae on ae

Page 36

32 PUNCH, OR THE

LONDON CHARIVARI.

has a very comfortable bed, ordered it to my room. Went out with my Bozouks to the bridge of Koutschouk, where we found the advanced sard of the enemy. Charged them nine times, but were beaten back ty the Russians, with a loss of thirty-nine of ours killed, and seventy- eight wounded. All things considered, however, my men behaved very well. Raopopactyr1os a good deal agitated, and her mother, Booris Porwta, delighted at my return. The old Papa seemingly not very glad to see me. “16. A strong eamnonade from the islands of the Danube. The | enemy’s advanced guard at Adikoi. A skirmish with the Bashi-Bozouks, who retired towards Arab Tabia. The rai fell very heavily from after twelve o’cloek. The macintosh I took from the young officer of the Lobski Hussars of great use and comfort. Poor fellow! He too very likely had been in Kagland! The cloak is marked Piccadilly! Such is life. and the left bamk opened his fire this day from noon until night. “18. The enemy who has been establishing batteries upon the islands | PoLYPHiesBeEos, in great perturbation, took up his residence in the | cellar, where I did not grudge the old chap fuddling himself with | Cyprus wine. His nell the Papa Doticoscuios called—as he was | talking his head knocked off by a cannon-ball—broke china in corner- | cupboard; his hand still holding his beard, which was uncommonly "

fine, the other his large umbrella. “19. The enemy opened his trenches at about two English miles of | our lines—his left towards Arab Tabia, his right on the Danube. | Slept as sound as a roach on the old Papa’s mattrass, though the | Russians never ceased firing from sunset until the morning of the 20th, when his first parallel was completed. The enemy’s chasseurs, trying to establish themselves on the height opposite Arab Tabia, the Bashi- | Bozouks and Albanians drove them k. Little finger carried | off by a Minié ball. t conduct of Kanacooz Bee, killed a Russian Colonel, and put on his boots in the face of the enemy. | Poor poor little Ruopopacty1os! Sadly put.out by accident to my little finger.—T wo Circassian prisoners announce an attack for to-niglit — Bashi-Bozouks kept up in consequence. “20. The enemy’s guns are uncommonly well served. Every one of their balls hit. Twenty-four y= shot knocked letter I was reading out of my hand : and plumped into the bosom of Hoxm-Aca, Com- | mandant’s Aide-de-eamp. Had order in his pocket—from a certain high quarter—to shoot me, and reward of 1,000,000 sequins to bring my head to Constantinople. Did not tell poor little RropopactyLos A GOVERNMENT COUP DE THEATRE. | Paracrarn in the Monitew | informs us that it has been | make the| ra a Government | ment of a large Theatre to | the other duties of the Minis- ter of the Interior, Such an arrangement would not be | popular in England; but if | it were, we have no doubt | that our present Home Se-| cretary, Lonp Patmenston, | would make himself as much at home in the wings of the o as he is in the recesses > of Downing Street. A life ; passed behind the scenes of politics, would find no great . difficulty behind the scenes of a theatre, and casting + rts ina grand woul be eas companell <atth the task of casting the parts in the drama of Government. In selecting his instruments a Minister, like a manager selecting his orchestra, will find many wishing to play first fiddle, who are scarcely fit to beat a drum, and many who, though they might be useful if they would act in concert, are so fond of harping on one string, as to be rejudicial to the harmony that is desired. It would occasionally lead to some rather absurd questionsm the House of Commons, if the Opera should be mace a department of the Governnent. The following | are a few specimens of the kind of inquiries to which the Operatic | Minister would probably be subjected :— The HonovraBte Avcustus Spooney, seeing the Rieut How. | Secretary ror THE Home Department in his place, would ask whether there was any truth in the rumour that the indisposition of a popular tenor, who did not sing on the Ascot Cup day, though adver- | tised to do so, was in anv way connected with the race in question, and whether he, the Home Secretary, would have any objection to lay |

determined to French

| Mem. Mrs. Potyruumsscos begins to looks very sulk

for fear of alarming the timid little fluttering affectionate creature !— y at me. “4. Provisions are growing rather scarce in my quarters, and old Potyratespa@os begins to grumble. This evening for supper, I até the bread and the pilaff too. My appetite is excellent. Mrs. P. and my little Ruopopactyzos would only touch a little morsel. Young Spratpion Potymetis, whom I have inted Lieutenant vice Bor- BORYGMOS, who ram away disgracefully last night, has been useful in these latter days mz my messages to or from the Commander of the place. In the sally we made last night, Spmampros rode back very good-naturedly into the enemy’s column for my umbrella; it was the old priests, and not having drawn my sword, I had been constrained to use it in order to poke out a Cossack Colonel’s eye who was making himself very officious in front. “ Mem. | am growing rather tieh im cash. Besides 39 piastres | which I brought with me, I have, . A. peteutton of handsome clothes as above, value say £80. “a silver roubles. “ £2000, which came to me by the laws of war. “4 a with the portrait of the Eurrror set in ds, and the order of the Saracen’s Head of the second class in brilliants also, sent by his Imperial Majesty to Mason Generat Baron SLappers, w I slew in the second attack on the 22nd. “Twelve silver-gilt candlesticks, and a couple of statues, of an ecclesiastical pattern, I confess: and some gold-lace vestments of which the old Papa PoLyrnia@spa@os has mademe a nt (very unwillingly) out of his church. He may have a hesitation, but 7 have none, in taki ion of the bullion a hee in the Cathedral of these schismatics. “A gold bowl, a picture frame ditto ditto, and a silver arm chair which Srrripion was instrumental in ing for me from the abbot of the Armenian Convent hard-by. I shall value these at even more than the bazaar price, as they were the means of saving the Reverend man’s life : indeed, I should have hanged him had he not given ¢hem up. **A bag of loose diamonds, emeralds, and a silver soup-ladle of English manufacture giveu to me with the grateful tear of a Jewish family.” “ Basul-Bozoux.”

dence that might have passed on the table of the House any correspon between the popular tenor in question and the Government. Cartatn Batperpasn would ask whether the military en in fighting on the side of Austria in William Tell, would not be employed at the seat of war, and whether they ought not to be imme- - out on active service. The Honovraste Artuur Tworenny would not wish to embarrass the Government, but he would merely the Home Secretary whether some arrangement could not be made as to the bones of ad- mission to the Opera, so that the bones of the aristocracy might not be unpleasantly minvled with the bones of the general public, and indeed whether they could not be admitted at separate entrances. _ Such are a few of the questions which might be asked, and as the time of the House is already sufficiently occupied about unimportant matters, we should be sorry to see the number inereased by adding the management of the Opera to the duties of the Government. CIRCUIT GAMBOLS. (From our Legal Reporter.) “ Several members of the Bar went to Bridport to play a Cricket Match to-day.” Western Circuit Report, Times, July 19th. I entered an appearance, and I gazed with sage abstraction, At the joinder of the issue—at each flannel chose en action : I heard a writ of summons, and I saw a wicket fall, As a.proof of actual ouster in ejectment by a ball : As with twisters or with rippers, each in turn was then nonsuit, Each granted to himself a rule his notches ¢o compute : As the cricketing coparceners to the scorers’ tent did stroll, But few there found an entry of satisfaction on the roli : When a writ of execution fierce was sued out—mmid his pain, The fielder only heard the plea of son assault demesne ; One in trover shapes his action for the ball, where long grass lingers, While another makes an effort for a Capias, with his fingers : At last a Stet Processus is granted to the play, And a long account is stated of the tent costs of the day.

Propriety or Penwy-a-trntye.—Nicwonas, the greatest criminal in Europe may iow, with a correctness that is quite delightful, be styled * The Unfortunate Gentleman.”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

TEMPERANCE TRIP TO BERLIN. UR legislature has enacted, or was to have enacted, or is in course of enacting, a law to prevent any such expeditions for the future as that made proper , an errand not ostensibly politieal. hicks though not, of = which, tho not of a po litical nature, relates seriously’ to politics, and on which _ Certain of the Quzmn’s lieges have of late strenuously‘ exerted themselves to t the sale of intoxicating fie ors at the Crystal Palace. pee pry na could prevent the consamp- wr < wor aii in he | Palace of Saws Sovuct, they = achieve a victory which wo y to a very y termination 0 war. Among the many fearful effects of drunkenness, some of the most frequent and valinews are irresolution, vacillation, want of firmness, indecision of eha- racter. The mind of the sot loses its equilibrium, wavers, oscillates, and shakes similarly with his hand. f 3 ee? That decent reserve, and respectful reticence which this periodical alwa observes in making any allusion to the frailties of illustrious personages, would be inconsistent with any remarks more explicit than the above on the vay delicate subject which they distantly relate to. But if the teetotallers wo send a deputation to Berlin, to see Frepericx Wiixram, and point out to him the} deplorable consequences attendant on excess of champagne, and induce his Majesty to take the pledge, there can be no doubt that the result would be an attitude, on his part, of steadiness in ition to the schemes of Russia, much more consistent with his royal dignity than his present course of tottering backwards and forwards. And if the friends of temperance were to undertake this enterprise, they would, since the war is a great hindrance to trade, be minding their own busi- ness, which is what they are net doing by trying to interfere with the arrangements for public refreshment at Sydenham.

A VANE AMBITION. _ We have all heard of a tempest in a tea-pot, but something very like a tempest in a chimney-pot has recently occurred, ion fluttered in the leaves of the London | Gazette for a brief period. We read the other day in that much-quoted but rather | dull periodical, the important announcement, that the Queen has graciously permitted a certain Lorp Joun or Tom or Harry and his brother “to use the name of Vave in addition to that of Temrgst.” We congratulate the Tampgsts on having obtained a sort of object for their energies, inasmuch as a Vane is likely to afford as much play to a Tempest as a weathercock would to a whirlwind.

Worthy the Attention of the British Female. “Mr. Epirur, “Habin red in de Zimes :n extrac from an Merriean paper, which I hab no dout peaks de troct, cos all de wurruld nos dat de Merrican editars hate lies as dey do swearin and bad spellin, dat de Hnglishwomen are bery fond of de Merrican coloured ger lm-n, I want you to hab de goodness to put de following ve rtisement in oar pease, gratis, for me, and ib I get a nobleman’s darter, or some rich lady, you s invited to de weddin :— WASTED, A WIFE, BY A REAL MERRICAN COLOURED MAN. He is bery much like de uncoloured article; bery smail io de nape ob de neck; narrow in de shoulders: tin in de legs, but bery much sole; bery sharp nose, and bery little eye, libs bery fast and will very soon die. He will go to market himselfand keep all de money. Chews and drinks a little, and pits bery elegum, De ladies will please address Mznnican Sampo, 85, Fleet Street. N.P. Peaks troo de nose. “P.S. All de letters dat come for me hab de goodness to keep till {I call for dem.’

A PLEASANT CABMAN. How pleasing ’tis to hear a Cabman tell A tale, in speech of coarse redundance pruned, Not only talking decently, but well, His tongue to mild forbearing accents tuned, At Worship Street as lately it betel : The nicest ite that ever swooned Being Gam be strong expressions, mi Have listened to Jouw Wittiams with dees. r ad - sions is Against | : am charged wit t Producing badge, whereas no badge I’ve a “TI am the owner of the carriage merely, _ That I’m the driver there ’s no proof to show ; Cabowners to have badges no law, clearly, a9 nd no such law I _ one charge di pretty nearly, I — +e second is, . b chee - Required, did not produce t of fares. Now that I answer thus: the Act declares “ Distinctly that the driver shall be bound, Not the proprietor, upon —. His book to show, demanded on the ground, Either of hiring, or intent to hire ee Pm ed istons found, right 5 _—e m to require Upon no other terms. 1 must, with deference, Unto the Act request your worship’s reference. “Then will you see ’tis so. Now I, the express Interrogation to the constable, Pat, as himself will readily confess, Did he intend-to hire the vehicle ? Distinctly he did not, to that address He answered ; therefore, with assurance full, To you, Sir, do L most respectfully, Submit the Act was not infringed by With charmed attention, Ma. Hasewrrt heard The Cabman’s plea, so it and polite ; And after having to the referred, Sranwensel the mild defendant in the right ; Who left the Court without a vulgar word, (Nor did he wink his eye, nor “take a sight,” But only shook his head and smiled) surrounded By friends who scarce contained their glee unbounded. — Hemp to its best Use. Trost who think that it is better to teach people not to commit crime than to hang them for committing it, will probably find encouragement in a fact, of which paper-manufacturers have been reminded by the present | scarcity of rags, namely, that w er z can be | used for the making of rope, can be used for the making of paper.

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| ring on a window of a railway carriage, tha’ tickets, and o' First Languid Party, “ Dow’t rou yrsp Sea AIR VERY STRENGTHENING, Jack? ” Second Ditto Ditto. “Ou, vewr! I coup Turow Stones 1s THE Water att Dar!” THREATEN THE THREATENER. Prorte who travel by railroad cannot have failed to observe, at’ various stations, formidable notices of this kind :— “CAUTION. “ Jon» Srusns was, on the 11th ap ord fined Forty Shillings, for writing with his the train was ‘ disgusting slow.’” “CAUTION. “Tiewry Wanesrraw and Micuae. Sqvorr were, on the 9th June, committed to Lampton gosl for a fortnight, for riding in second-class Carriages with third class flering to fight the station master for the difference.” “ CAUTION. . HABAKKUK Bow.ine was, on the 13th of Feburary, sentenced to imprisonment for having insisted upon z in one of this company’s carriages.” Now we have nothing to say against this mode of gibbeting offenders. Mr. Srvusss and the other fr htful criminals were, of course, punished | ; 2 a sake of example, more publicity that can be given to an e, the more efficacious it is likely to be. So we are content that nar es be thus hung in railway chains. But there i is such a thing as fair play. There isa rf in the Latin Delectus, “The traveller is not always killed d by the ‘ie but sometimes the thief by the traveller.” We might adapt this, and remark that the traveller does not always injure the railway-man, but sometimes the railway-man injures the traveller. We may venture to say this, use juries and judges bets said so before us. And therefore we should deem it quite fair, not only in Messrs, Strusss, Wasstraw, Squort, or Bow tye, but in any other railway traveller, to hold out, in his turn, warning and caution to the railway Company and o' . How station masters or Directors who might happen to be on the line, would stare to see affixed to all the hats of the passengers inscriptions to this effect :— “ CAUTION. “This Railway Company was sentenced by the Court of Queen's Bench on the 3rd | June last, te pay Parvzas Awpensow the sum of one hundred pounds, for ‘eal | Of = reson, caused by the Company's stinginess in not keeping a sufficient n to provide against accidents.” “CAUTION. “On the 5th January, 1854, a Direetor of the Indirect South Northern and West | Easterly Junction Railway Company was sent to Tv. for th three months for man- slaughter, occasioned by an engiue breaking down from neglect. “ CAUTION. “* At this moment the Railway Company on whose line we are travelling is, by compulsion of law, paying an annuity of £50, to the of Samuz. Srircu, tailor, who was destroyed by an accident caused by the a of the shareholders, the negligence of the and the wanton carclesunens of the officials.” We recommend the Office that Assures Travellers against Accidents to insist upon every assurer wearing upon his hat one of these notices during a journey. It might tend to diminish the chance of his having a claim against that office. CHASTISEMENT IN THE ARMY. Aurnovuen we should like to see the Cat di we do not desire flogging should be altogether abolished im the army. In some ee he it appears that the junior officers are in the habit of bullying their comrades after the manner blac boys at a public school. Conducting themselves like juvenile blackguards we would have them punished as such ao are wont to be. Let them be chastised, more puerorum. way with the Cat, indeed, in the Army, but institute the Rod, anit hoop & it in pickle for young heu- tenants who are in the habit of beating, and pinching, and “ about” their brother officers. The Czar’s Rubbish. From Jassy a Correspondent of the Morning Post thus writes :— Ra Pleasant news for Nicnoxas this, one might think. But what are four hundred and fifty cart-loads of ‘his w elie fo So Sunt he looks upon his whole army as composed of rubbish that | may be carted anywhere—and shot.

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leet eeiiae 1 eee ieee acetal attic ~ o~ SERRE ot -- eGR eM SS POS een enlieiling, — THE HOLIDAY LETTER. Royal Mistress (writes), “IN THE CASE OF MASTERS ABERDEEN AND RUSSELL, I REGRET TO SAY THAT THE MOST EXTREME IDLENESS HAS CHARACTERISED THE WHOLE HALF-YEAR.”

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Vaan cose S ” Nwets aot sae ut a ARSE vote oe OC

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 37 |

PUNCH’S HANDBOOKS TO THE CRYSTAL PALACE.

THE MEDLEVAL COURT. EDLAVAL, a sidle-| signifying middie- 7 aged, has given | rise to much dis- // eassion, and in- French —_~ Court contains many equnisite specimens of |workmanship from France, rom te a oe may be noticed a copy of weiranyn ee Mew iron-work, from south door of the Cathedral of Opinion been divided on the question, whether the are cast in a cryh | or See with the hammer ; and _—o to this 1 the disputants are hammering away at the point, with a rthy of the forge, and a windy wordiness suggestive of a belles The Italian School is also represented in the Medimval Court, Se medium of some works by Niwo and Giovanni Pisano, be Justice because it holds a pair of seales, but if the sug supported by no reason having more weight than is to be in the the might as well be called Grocery. aoe 44 we are told, be recognised by and Charity ir of babies, though there cunanechihdiemantasthe latter tine Sai ond ak make every woman with a brace of infants in her arms a representative of the highest virtue. We cannot quit the Medieval Court without expressing our admi- ration of its beauties, though we cannot go with | x. Rusxty in his —- r Pema | the streets of London, pulling down those brackets and names” over the shops of the tradesmen, ediees on = with a plain shop casement with ov a small ore 8 in it , that would not think of ing in order to be sent to e for the Gothic would be tempered by our fear of the p the ‘lice at we should in smashing the - - est windows, put ourselves Rterall to the t with no other attainable end than the i, e mond pry the length of those who object to all oT exe the Gothic, and who insist on the non- concealment of tegen: ts, and nails,” as if something besides the door is supposed to hang on "the hinge, and as the visible y way to hit

the latter of ee is the sculptor of a statue in the centre. The 4 to

| * The Seven Lamps of Architecture, page 109.

as eaer

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38 _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “DOGS AND MONKEYS!” Iw the present dearth of histrionic talent, it is very refreshing to find not one actor only, but a whole company whom one can praise, without doing violence to one’s feelings as a man and one’s principles as a theatrical critic. It is at all times very hard work to find out the merits of Mr. Caantes Keays, to abstain from saying uncivil things of Mr. G. V. Brooxg, or to keep down a protest against the blatant emphasis of Ma. Awpgrson. The “heavy lightness” of some of our most elaborate comedy “gents,” is only less oppressive than the “serious vanity” of most of our performers in the leading business. [t is melancholy to have no relief from the rags and tatters of the last French vaudeville, cruelly overdone into English at the Lyceum, better than three acts of stale horror from the Boulevard du Temple, dished up afresh with additional pepper, at the Princess’s. In short, where- ever I go, I find all French, but the acting. I am sorry to say that even M. Déstrats’s admirable ‘roupe of dogs and monkeys at Cremorne is “from the French.” But as the actors don’t talk, and confine themselves to a number of “ rapid acts,” instead of one slow play, this is the less felt. M. Désrrais’s troupe is what would be called at Astley’s a double | company—one quadruped, the other quadrumenous. Among the former there are no less than three low-comedy poodles, whose grotesque dancing distances FLexmore; and a light comedy spaniel, whose grace andl Vaideees might be usefully studied by our actors in | the same line, while the heavy-business is efficiently supported by a black retriever, whose gravity reminded me of Dippear. The monkey- performers are rather gymnastic than dramatic artists. But the “ Star-riders,” and “Cherokee Chiefs,” and “British Tars,” and “ Bounding Brothers,” and “ Italian Brothers,’ and “ German srothers,” and “ Olympian Brothers,” and the “ Sylphs of the Circle,” and “ Gems ot the Arena,” and “ Dashing Ecuyéres,” of “the Turkish Pavilion” (or, m plain English, the male and female horse- riders in the Cremorne Cireus) are quite outstripped by their monkey | rivals in M. Déstrats’s employment. | In the first place, the scene of the performance of the latter is wilder and more exciting. Instead of the everlasting ring, spread with | sawdust, it represents a rocky pass in Kaffreland; and we are re- | minded of the bow-legged Bushman, or the wild Zulu, while witnessing the rapid act of the Courier of St. Petersburg (with a tail protruding in an agony of nervousness) on two poodles, or the characteristic per- formance of a simious Eaton Strong, on the barebacked pointer of the Prairies. In the next place, there is no clown in M. Déstrats’s Company. Now, much as we respect the institution of clown to the ring in the abstract, we are compelled to pronounce your Original Shakespearian Jesters, and your Grotesques of the Circle, generally, insufferable bores and nuisances. The good old clown has been replaced by a being full of | stupid forwardness and gross vulgarity, but with none of that delightful imbecility and incurable want of respect for the Master of the Ring, which belongs to the ideal clown—the clown of our childhood—the Panurge in motley of Pantagruel in a laced jacket and enamelled boots, whose mild wisdom he imposes upon, and whose whip-lash | he evades so wonderfully—that emblem of shrewd wit, under the mask of folly, mocking pretentiousness in high places, and always getting the best of it. Destrais’s monkey-riders stick to their work, and clearly | don’t care a dump for the audience. There is no grinning bow, no conceited attitudimising on the part of the gentlemen monkeys—no | ogling and posture-making at the audience on the part of the ladies. The ring is clearly a serious business with them. Not that nature does not occasionally peep out, as when the Courier of St Petersburg, forgetting that he is a courier, suddenly feels that he is a monkey, and instead of bowing to the public at the end of his performance, springs up the side scenes and gibbers and shows his teeth, and climbs, like the youth in Lonergetiow’s “ Excelsior,’ higher and higher still, till he singes his tail in the gas-border—a warning to the ambitious. As for M. Destmars’s Eaton Stone, we decidedly prefer him to the original. He gives himself no wild Indian airs, indulges in no humbug about his adventures in the prairies, but is simply an agile mountebank, in paint and fringed leggings, vaulting by the aid of a strong pummel on and off an animal, with a back made tenacious by a coat of rosin. But a small black monkey, with a face like a reduced elderly refugee, is the ApminasLe CRICHTON of the troupe, all accomplished both im arts and arms. He plays the cymbals, executes a solo on the violin, is not above performing such menial offices as sweeping the floor, goes through the manual exercise, and concludes by | g and firing his musket in a state of abject terror, which makes the perfection of his drilling more remarkable. The animal has p nat. = pursued knowledge under the greatest difficulties, and has various feats, and the general which he forms a feature. But how many artists do you and | who are just as ignorant? How few do we know who are half as diligent or as unpretending? If he is now and then distracted by a | eae . . * . “ | stray nut, what actor can resist a bit of fat, or an opportunity of “ gag and conceal the most indistinct ideas of the meaning of his rt of the whole proceedings of | es if he does occasionally bolt off the stage himself in the flies, he is much more easily ‘caught than Mr Smous Reeves; and, besides, he never skulks under shelter of a medical certificate, or insults the public under pretence of making an apology. I had the pleasure, after the performance, of an introduction to the company. I found them affable and tempered, and quite free from that craving for strong flattery which I have generally remarked among bipeds of the same profession. M. Désrmais describes them as easy to manage—on the whole—but, with them, as with their human brothers and sisters, firmness is 1 you give way to them at all they become insubordinate. His — is never to feed them till after their performance—but then they are not liable to half salaries or “no treasury.” Immediately after acting and supping, they are consigried to small boxes and shut up in the dark till wanted again. I could not help wishing that some actors and actresses of my acquaintance could be subjected to a similar seclusion when not acting. M. Désrrais, like other managers, finds the ladies most di Eeult to deal with—and when they do bite, he remarks that they do it with a peculiar viciousness. He is now training a couple of novices to the srformance of “/a Perche,” and had even attempted to break-in a eats black monkey and his two young ones to a drawing-room enter- tainment a4 /a Ristey. But the parental instincts of the animal revolted } at the idea of making footballs of his own flesh and blood—thus showing the inferiority of the monkey to the man, in whom such preju- d ~ — never been found to stand in the way of the amusement of the public. Now that the Earn or Wicktow’s dog-cart bill is likely to throw so many industrious animals out of employment, why should not British philanthropy secure them a subsistence in the theatrical pro- fession? Let the friends of the dog combine, buy up the lease of the Opera House from Mr. Lumury, engage M. Désrrais as their acting manager, and get up a Canine Company—or Dog Dramatic Establishment. The Bold Aberdeen. Ar the meeting of the Supporters of Ministers the other day, Mr. Brient declared that “he had great confidence im Lorp ABERDEEN, and expressed his scorn for the violent manner in which the noble Earl had been assailed in reference to Russia and the War.” Mr. Baicut’s own views upon these subjects pretty well known, the calling such a witness to Lonp ABERDEEN’S c| is the boldest thing that has been done during the whole campaign. If Lorp ARERDEEN feared to defy Russia, he does not fear to defy Quack, Quack at the Anti A Lerrer in the 7imes from Australia informs us that the Miners of Ballarat give a guinea apiece for Battaway’s Pills! Another tre- mendous proof that gold has no bowels.

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_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 39 | PRUSSIA’S VACILLATION EXPLAINED. (1N A SCENE FROM THE UNFINISHED DRAMA OF THE RUSSIAN / GENTLEMAN. ) Scune—Sans Souci. The Royal Study. Enter Kine Cricquor aad Two Councritors following. | | Clieq. We are fatigued, discussion’s drought hath dried | Our tongue and brain; and Draught, Drought’s antidote, | In both our natural humour must restore. Without !—some wine there ho! Enter Pace with Champagne. lst Coun, ~~ me !—faith, °} aide. | oe og Pith be ie hath, I wot, } aside, 1) ied _ lengthy voyage to the cellar. Clieq. } oo men, (ills a tumbler) and do as we de, - lst and ire We humbly thank your et ( Phey kip , am Clicq. eace ! Swe ms i Qnd Coun. natiiomaptbe yhilep aril ieoieiieed e pledge avail the Fwliommaen as yet, alas! in vain, a een roperly said, | The Phyrealend per there is amet s one element — a Prussia—that ’s another clement— Coun Pardon, Sire But is it not of Nature found the law | That force should with opposing force combine ? Acid with alkali; and oxygen | Or chlorine with a metal : positive With negative in electricity ? hat’s true o’ the other hand—that’ s also truae— | Acid with alkali makes a neutral salt, | And ti that suggests a neutral policy. | "Sides, talk o’ chemical affinity, [ Drinks, Ree’lect that Nic’uas ish my bruz-in-law. Coun. Yet let your Majesty this trath perpend, the opposite to darkness, still, th the ~~ of darkness chase away ; pion Fatherland’s enlightenment advance of Russia’s night. T will! champions of our Fazerland. oe eclipsh sha Human Mind are ah = are to shi’ allies, russia shail march in she van o’ Eu- | -péan shivilishash’n. (Drinks, Qnud Coun. Then, Sire, your ust relative, | Your Majesty resolves to draw the swo | Clieq. heen en ate ne ng Against | oo | Antagonistic forres. | Drinks,| over” cards, your superior afloor were to infliet upon you a name {— | Qnd Coun. Sire : will not mention. How would you receive it ? | Rey pe Ea Pa Majesty’s a, and besides, — On On abd On rabid revolution, augue a I won't. Sin oe he shaysh I am. oa can’t, et nae gbeiy deg my bas Coun. And fighting him ty would fight For Manomet against the Christian si Clicq. Manomer is the false Prophet, and I won’t fight for Ma- nomen I am a Chrish’n—and I hope to be shaved. [| won't take Manomer’s oratee sere (Drinks. ) ut [ Cries. lst Coun. ~ well knows, The Greek corrupt ~~ loth hey the confession evangelical , UTHER. Clieq. Why, that alters sha caseagain (Drinks). Mauwovruen I That end what means were to pursue ? Drinks.| & yoana ee the gallant Light A eee — ~~ Poashovtcre bi ennioas snsions pareat, before coming down with ie money, oy Thiw-counse! | would give your a seis pameec pat tokis ives con ichenesnamaiiatiacaetaed the tained Bowy: Sach. ion ed ardent common the my beloved parent, is your prayer. Ti and the Art Father. The discipline is very sharp, my dear boy, you have een | a temper. “nt ta Sra of a Muse = Aware of that infirmity; ionoured! I trust, entered Why thats well aida : well and bravely said— { Drinke,apom a self-examination, followed by a that, if 1 err look upon as a Posh’l. Manwiurnen’ s sh’ only true shysht’m of theology. True er s sha bashish of evshing—mshecks and evshing elsh ! ee Qnud Coun. course then doth your Majesty elect ? Clieq. Lemmy turnitover soopuian B Famous doctorhewas! Doctor MaryturTHer. Sing’s DocMARNLUTHER’s song, lst and 2nd Coun. Phat song, an’t like your ious Majesty ? Clicq. Song DocMaRrNLuTHER used to sing. You know— lst and 2nd Coun. Full many a goodly song, puissant liege, a 3 a aptency = sing. Tht tet ul sh was a song. Tsh! w amem’ ry I have, be sure ! 2 Who lovesh not bain, 5 Thash ish! (drinks). “ Who loves not wine” (trying to sing, breaks down), No—I can’t shing! I’ve qui’ lost quilostinyvoice—talkinsmuch *bout this confound East’n quest’n. §I n have no voice atall left. I’m very tired-—conessively tired—( zhent!’m’n helpyaselves an’ dowmineme (nods lot and Coun. But, Sire, your answer'to the Western Powers. And Austria ? Clieq. Talkaboutthattomorra ! [Falls asleep. awe ILLORS wetise their hands, turn wp their and shrug their shoulders ; ama the Sux. closes. ial _ TO YOUNG MEN ABOUT BO ENTER THE ARMY. has at once restrained and strength honed, Very goed. Can yun Ghap thoetiieeeiaengsiie? Pat, Saou we Say, you were an ensign; and in aw hour of social converse Heary.. Whatever the name might be, with becoming humility. Father: Say that, on your manifested desire to discontinue wir: pone gaperian officer should collar you, and drag you about? What would you do ? = ss the fullest sense of the vital necessity of discipline, I .—— respectfully remonstrate with him Father. ery good. We will suppose that your superior officer is, in his superiority, deaf to to remonstrance. e will even suppose him superior—much superior—in station and in strength ; and with a proud sense of such superiority, we will s that—there is a candlestick a the ae _— superior 0 punches you in the face? Hom, Tho ca mallcetiok, if nothing else, and immediately knock him Father. Your sentiments, my dear bey, do you honour as a man ; but they would lead you to inevitable disgrace and ruin in the army se therefore give up the — Commission in the Lig’ t eashooters. Rational Remonstrance. ° Let peaceful Baicut in speech delight That charms the Cotton crew : Let Conpen ratber trade than fight, For ’tis his business to : But when our Premier, duped before, ” Still trusts to Russian Such weakness but disgusts Jouw Bow, And makes his monkey rise. Not a Serious Man. A GEeNtieMan calling himself Eawest Frrz Roy has been away in the Morning Post as “ Hon. Sec.” of the Belgravian “ Committees.” Firz Roy may be authentic enough—but Euwest? Oh nonsense! Frirz Roy is only joking. Nicholas and the Peacemongers. Centarn people almost as insane as himself, to think the Czar ov Russia is desirous of For ourselves, ever, We confess we see bat little his burying the hatchet, while be so ne rth a ham ©. a € f Ee

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PUNCH, —— ht phbd at —4 7 ‘ieee @ FUNGUS, CALLED THE AGARICUS PROCERDS. Amiable Experimentalist, “Maxes a peviciovs Stipe Disn, porsn’r 1? Bur it 1s Not THE CoMMON MUSHROOM; IT’S A LARGE MAKKINGS ON ITS STEM. THe PILEUs 18 COVERED WITH SCALES, WHICH ARE FORMED BY THE BREAKING-UP OF THE MUD-COLOURED OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL {z= = Hs Th ‘ag b 2 Aly py QUITE A NOVELTY. IT GROWS SOLITARY IN HEDGE ROWS, IS CALLED CoLuBRinvs, FROM THE SNAKE-LIKE EeIDERMIS, AND —— (General panic takes place. | i | NO MATES FOR THE VULTURE. THE SMUGGLER OF HAMPSTEAD : Tuenre sits a Vulture, gaunt and grim, When ’neath Aran’s gallows-tree, HEATH. ; Double-headed, golden- crowned, Proud the martyr’s death to die, | Everysopr is asking what could have Foul of scent and lean of limb, Stood the Magyar chivalry— induced the Lords to pass Siz THomas Keen for carrion, peering round The hideous bird was waiting nigh, MaRyow Wnuisow’s “Finchley Road Build- With eyes, albeit seeming dim Until Death should leave him free | ing Act,” which is so framed as to enable him That sweep a vast horizon’s bound. To rend the flesh and scoop the eye. ultimately to enclose Hampstead Heath ? i ; Syme: ; oe aay There is no knowing, unless it was fellow- When a sickening nation reels And shall England’s Lion bold, feeling with the donkeys, whom their Lord- j r To the death, t — vee there, - And mys mae mete tee, shies a eoneaive ot be ‘comndhiven gad ver narrowing, as he wheels, | ith this bird alliance hol ; | - De circuit, ‘ the tainted air, In the work they have to i ieaati canal ag on that hitherto common ill an instinct sure reveals } Though each head be crowned with gok Safest time the prey to tear. And each claw be sceptred too ? vk tis A he eet rye ge “ So round Brescia’s shattered wall, Never—for the Lion’s pride smuggling has been committed, whilst the Sullen swept this bird obscene, Sniffing through the sulphurous pall, Reek of blood, with relish keen ; Waiting on the prey to fall ; When beforehand death had been. { Y So beside the lone lagune, H Where beleaguered Venice stood, Through the long siege, late and soon, Hovered still this bird of blood, Till to death, in mortal swoon, Sunk the Lady of the Flood. et Class Book for tio people’s ee aoe. were aslee fs Carrion neither will abide, intoxicated. In‘case it originat Stooping but to living game— the Peers and has yet to get through the Victors, they would be defied, Lower House, let this be a notice to the Or the victory brings not fame. St. Srernen’s Coast-Guard to be on the look-out for the contraband article, so as « And the Eagle’s is the same ; Hence, then, craven carrion-bird— frustrate the machinations of the To the gibbets and the graves ! stead Witt Warcu, as we may call With thy kindred vultures herd— Witsox ; who has so long and so perti- Russ and Prussian—fools and knaves : naciously been watching his opportunity of Be one freeman’s strength preferred, | getting an Act of ae to enable To the strength of million slaves ! ' him to violate his father’s W The Sovereign of Potsdam. City of Leadon.—Saruspar, July 29, Snort ty will be published—with numerous illustrations afforded by Tue Krxe or Prvssia is pursuing courses which may cost him a various cle en and ladies—a new child’s book for the usc of Bel- | crown. In this ommny at any rate they would render him liable to be gravian yout th, entitled, Puseyism in Fun made Popery in Earnest. fined five s! ‘ | : Printed by William Bradbary, of No. 18, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of t $0. Pancras, and Frederick Mullett Evans, af No. 2 Street, in the Paridh of St. Margaret and Kase de rina in the County of Middlesex, Printers, » 68 thats OSes in in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of W bitefriars, in the City of London Pub’ ished by them at No. &, Fleet Street, in

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| | | The enemy made three attacks this evening on Arab Tabia. As 1} shink jt i. : ; | brought Y a prisoner, though very much mutilated, Mason GeneRaL think it «2 overlooked indeed '—in of my gallantry. The PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARTI. 41 I took my share of the chivalric meal ; and then had the conical ball IMPORTANT FROM THE SEAT OF WAR! extracted, which had given me much anno . Prisoners who came . . > crx | im this day, 28th, announced that wee Paskrewrtscu had JOURNAL OF THE SIEGE OF SILISTRIA. BY OUR OWN | received some severe contusions the night befcre, and that Prince BASHI-BOZOUK. | GortscHaKor¥ had resumed the command of the siege. “ Fort of Arab Tabia, June % “* 30. Had some fever from my wound. The fire of the enemy was i, , "| s0 hot that no less than twenty-nine cannon balls and four shells fell Drak Sin,—Some jealous scoundrels, | into my room, which burst there, and filled the place with smoke. I (I suspect the envious malignity | ¢ mo t z , of a couple of Raalich O@ieern, whe | could not move, as the surgeon had forbidden me to stir, even taking away my pantaloons, so as to the possibility of my quitting my | | ' are | making themselves very | apartment. In the intervals of the firing my charming Ruopopacty1os | officious here) have been complain- | was go attentive and kind to the poor phen Pw Bashi-Bozowk, thet my ing of oly emery ropensitieS heart melted towards the dear gi I offered her my on ot my 1-DOZOUKS. if an angry a . ee etn HL E Moses Pate TT. ae phew oe oe this morning, I repelled the accusa- | repl ‘ tion with scorn, and challenged ah : : : : : both the English Officers for eee 1. The siege is raised. The Russians are in full retreat, my i NB. Th after them. 1 am so weak that I cannot move from my honour of our corps.—N-b. fhe | hed. Cowards and detractors have been blackening my character to ' Turks do not understand the prac-| S,ysr PasHa, who has now the command of Silistri tice of civilised European gentle- | prisoner. I who saved Silistria! men: and Mussa Pasuna said ‘Suppose Captain B. shoots you, | eslyes’ foot jelly, which she had been making. 1 told the dear girl will t rove you did not take | where I . my property ; viz. in “4 under the to ‘covered me tavesting some of my on the 23rd. 1 was in the “9. Raopopacrytos was allowed to come in to me with a little SF ole “4 the Jew Merchant’s silver soup- | : | ia. onl diuet—Ge antl bed in the garden of the house where poor old Potyrniesn.xos dis momll be// St §=shoot as many Russians as you | : * sar ‘o., My x ped lease, Mutiicoon Fenix! Cas | Sele, Sune Jp bens, digging, and t saved my life; for » round et us hear of no more plundering.’ | : : cs Jt is in vain to expect in “Ag - 4 San ‘ ; educated men the refinement | The was taken off yesterday, I received my order of Nisham and delicate fee of gentlemen with a long line of ancestry. | from the nglish officer — who says my cee ie overlooked—I house being empty, I went down to | Count SwieGamorr who led the last attack, His Excertency Mussa things. garden, where I kept my | Pasaa was pleased to compliment me, said he would send my name to the -in-Chief for decoration, and look over the affair of the believe it ? I only found the desk and papers marked J.T. Jones; every | —— was making a deuce of a disturbance. | other single item of my property has been taken awey, except a boot-jack, | black and blue from lifting iron. The Russians had actually entered | clerk of the Greek Chapel, affair last night was very hot. My arm this morning is the redoubt and cut down our artillerymen at their guns, when the ; : Silistri : Bashi-Bozouks luckily arriving gave a different turn to affairs. We | ret reelgnn, Sten Fee, eet yi —s. oe ae may expect a great attack in a day or two. My prisoner says that | pi.) striped trowsers, and gy nt | Marswat Paskiewitscu was in such a rage, as to kick the jor-| Phe A mig blazed in diamonds: and unless you accept the bill General at the head of the column. : “97 Three Soup adttaip woes Aen ‘Tobie tock pines ts} have drawn upon you through Mzssas. Oxnrriues of this city, 1 am night. The first, under the command of Generat Count Stutz of | actually a “ Basui-Bozoux !” the Alexander Regiment, was very nearly doing for us. They came on | = — | in spite of the fire of our guns, their drums beating, their officers in| the ~~ waving their hats and cursing and swearing in the mine | TREASURE-TROVE FOR A CABMAN. | fright: 1 manner. The Russians actually clambered through the | embrasures and over the guns. Count Stutz, a very stout man, in| We should much like to know what answer has been received to the | jack boots, was rammed up in an embrasure against a Paixhan gun, | and there | confess I xd him. After his death the survivors of CABMEN.--If the Cabman who took up a Clergyman and his Wife | e at 10°35 by the late Count’s subjoined advertisement :— the attacking column in much disorder. This must have been in the New Road on Sunday evening last, and drove them to the Iuverness Road, Bayswater, will return the Biste and Pearven Bou left in the cab, he shall be well “ At 11°22, p.m., the t foe returned in still greater force ; they | "***"#«4- | did not fire a shot until they were close upon us, and I heard a voice| ‘The question which occurs to most of us, on reading the above, is out—‘* Three hundred thousand silver roubles and the Order of | whether any existing Cabman would know a Bible and a Prayer Book | Sauwr Awwz, second class, for the man who brings in Mutzicayorr | if he saw them, as the chance Id be much against his ever having | dead or alive!’ I thought I knew the voice. ‘Ha, my boy!’ I roared | looked into either in his life. Perhaps, however, the effect of the fore- out from the bastion. ‘ Turrsktx, my boy! How did you like| going advertisement has been to elicit a circumstance which may form | the bastinado at the Hétel d’Europe ?’ Indeed it was poor ‘T'urrskus, | the basis of an affecting story. Possibly the volumes have been returned | who had arrived only that morning at the army. He will never suffer | by a Cabman who never returned any property that he found in his | the cat-of-nine-tails more. It was the fortune of war, and now he is| vehicle before; but who, accidentally A newer g oa 8 rusing a n - time ammunition had been luckily brought to us in the fort, and as the no more I ean do justice toa gallant enemy. I gave his earrings to portion of their contents, was thereby andor error of little RHovopacTy1os, on my return to my quarters after is ways ; eschew gin and beer in excess, and extortion, insolence and “Tue Turap Atrack, which was the most severe of all. By this bad language altogether, becoming civil, honest, and sober. : Kille “nd 708 er ~ $,~ ‘he tet =. We. ne : Si men were killed, wo , by the t di . e gave | ° them a second by the time they were up to our guns, then rushing | WHAT 15 SRIBERY ! out on the disordered column, my gallant Bashi-Bozouks drove the) HonovnaBie Members seem to be in a state of much uncertainty as storming y back three miles through their own entrenchments and to what is or is not bribery, under the new Bill, and some curious into the ube, where, such was their 95 ge of my cases have been put, which are certainly rather ling. Mar. Bankes fellows were actually drowned with the Russians. [ marked and | thinks it not to be considered bri seized an old officer who had been making himself particularly con-| the member evi | spicuous, and having broken my sword was pummeling him most safely “wetted” with an severely with the handle about the face and ribs, when he eried out in| neglect a very good French, ‘ Zenez, Mutiicanorr! Je me rends. Je suis le tion has often Martcuan Parsce Paskit’ ... but I beard no more, for a shot we think the legi entered my shoulder and down I dropped. Provoking. |—or rather i of » Many an MP. “ | had to walk home five miles with a bullet in my shoulder; and| who t a borough, has in fact re ted | did not reach my quarters till 7 o'clock, a.m. What a seream of so many f, and there are some, who, instead of delight litthke Ruopopactrios gave at beholding me. They were ente place, should have | eating a piece of horse for breakfast ; for provisions are getting searce.' taken their seats for so many pints of double X. VOL. XXVII. Pr LY PHIAESB@OS Ss head just over me: and the poor man “4, Anniversary of American yo po I rallied this day. | “© Raopopactyios! O woman, faithless woman! Would you an old coat, and a pair of very old trowsers, I was told by the | that Rmopopactytos and eenaepen wore |

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) ; IMPROVEMENT IN IRISH AFFAIRS “Woo !—WILL ANY JINTLEMAN BE 80 ENGAGIN AS TO THREAD O8 THE TAIL OF ME REGISTHERED PaLtytor?” SEVEN CASES FOR THE POLICE. Tu knaves who pretend to read the stars for the fools are, it seems, not extinet, = Peet a good many of them have involuntarily exchanged their mock observations of the revolutions of the planets for real acquaintance with those of the treadmill. Mr. Purch has been favoured with an assortmeut of cards and other invitations of some of the scamps, and he perceives, with regret, that the police are not so vigorously aaeel in extirpating the breed as they might be. No fewer than seven of such documents lie—in every sense — before him. One impudent vagabond, who calls himself an Astral Professor, excels in /nglish composition. His afiehe runs thus :-— “ The Stars do teach as well! as shine. “Natrvrtres Catcoratep axnp Hoaany Questions Axawerep, whereby persons are warned of impending danger or encouraged to pursuita which promise suc ess relating to Love, Marriage, Business or Pleasure, Sickness or Health, &c. &c., solved by Astronomical Caleulations on the true principles of the venerable setence of Astro- logy. Terma, for Nativities, bs. according to length, &c. Horary Questious, trom 1s. Planets Transits, showing their operating influences for the current year, 5e, “ Diseases cured by Herbs, under the influence of the Planets which rule them, being the safest remedy, as minerals, &c. have taken away millions of our fellow-creatures !!! Advice aud Mode of Diet, 2s. 6a.” It is hardly probable that anybody who is idiot enough to think of consulting the Professor, is likely to read Punch, and therefore the latter merely exhibits these evidences of folly for the compassionate smile of those possessed of common sense. Else it might not be amiss ' to insist upon attention being paid to the Professor's wretched gib- berish. He professes to answer questions “whereby persons are warned ”—warned by their own questions. And his clients are encouraged to “ pursuits which promise success relating to sickness.” Surely one of these must be the pursa‘t of an emetic, an article which perhaps the quack sells, in addition to his “herbs, under the influence of the planets which rul> them.” We should like to know something about this vegetable astronomy, and how the fellow found out that Mercury and Venus have no better business than the minding kitchen- gardens. ‘Ihere is one herb, however, which we should very much like to administer to the Professor himself—the herb our old friend Rapecais calls Pantagrnelion. Not, we need hardly say, in the digni- fied form of a halter, but in nine doses, simultaneously administered every morning for a week, at the “ fortunate hour” when the planet Mastrix, or the Flogger, enters the House of Correction, in conjuction with Felis, or the Cat. Another impostor heads his card “ Astrology,” and in some dirty den, whose obecu-ity requ'res a whole string of directions, (No. 3, Stench Street, Foul Street, Muck Lane, Whitechapel), “ Anawers all Questions relative to the Affairs of Human Life, as Marriages, Sea Voyages, long or short Journeys, lost or hidden Treasure, &c. Nativities Cast. Letters Post-paid.” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A third spells so charmingly that his card must be reproduced /i/e- ratim, name and address excepted :-— “ Prowocostic Aereowomy—Ma.* * * * Continnes with great anecess to anewer Questions upon Buisness, or any other undertakings of importance.—N.B. Bread Guard Manufacturer.” The “pronogostic” astronomer has so much to do that he has no time to mind his spelling. His “ bread guard” was beyond our comprehension, but, luckily, collating him with the next quack, we got a clue to the mystery. Here is the fourth :— “W.* * * © Bookseller and Stationer, Dealer in Almamack«, Astrological Books, and Pphemeris, Questions answered on Lifeor Health, Kemovala, Marriages, ah-ent Friends, Busines, Legacies, and any kind of chance sprenlation whatscever. Nativiti-s calculated, &e. braid Gu+rd manufactures, Umbrellas made and repaired. Terms moderate. Letters must coutain & Stamp.” This gentleman not only reads the skies, but makes machines for y the great astronomer protecting you against their influences. We going his rounds, “ Hany new planets to consult? Hany old um- | brellas to mend ?” And it seems that “braid guasd” is the article in | which the pronogostie and the umbrelia man also deal—we believe it is | the material of whieh watch-suards are made, articles which anybody | venturing into the astrological den is very likely to . ; | Next comes @ more pretentious party. He dates from the eity over jwhose Cathedral the ancient Nicuotas is said not to look with a |eheerful countenance, though the sight of the wretehed foily, whose existence is implied in such an advertisement, might comfort the First Whig. He—we mean the quack—has to start with a misapplied motto from honest Evinv Borarrr, for the whieh we should like nothing better than to see that blacksmith take him in gripe for a couple of minutes—probably he will whem we tell him to what he is made sponsor. “Me * * © * Mathematical Projector of Zodiacal Planispheres, and Professor of Genetbliacal, Horary, Mundane, and Medical Astrology, may be consulted on ail important subjee’s referring to human destiny. All questions are scientificslly answered, acco ding to the position and configuration of the planetary orbs. on Life, Health, Love, Marriage, Peenniary affairs, Sickness, and the probable duration of Vitality. Intelligence of Ships at Ses, and the condition of absent friends, with im- portant advice on Removals and Emigration, so essentially required in ali adventures and specula ive enterprise Judicial remarks on the nativities of Children, invaluable to parents, dexeribing the temperament, p' ties, and disposition,—the moxt benefi-ial prrsuits in tife they may he qualified to follow, if destined to arrive at maturity, * * can also state the periods when the body will be predi«poned to sick- ness, accidents, &c. In order to insure positive remarks on Nativities, it is necessary to forward a notice of the correct time and place of birth. * herng the only Professer in the Midland Counties who holds a Diploma from the British: Scientific Asseciation, and whose experience in the Celestial science over forty years, amareurs and others may with confidence rely upon obtaining genuine instructions, and important revelations.” For impudence and nonsense this preeious announcement heats most things of ‘he kind. However, we will leave the — to the enraged blacksmith, assuring the friend, that if stalwart Exinu does see these lines, a period when an Astrologer’s “ bedy will be predis- posed to an acerdent,” wili not be very far off. . No. 6 on our list is more humble. He only goes in for “Proevostic AstTrowomy, and begs to inform his Friends and the Public in general, he still continues to give advice to these Ladies and Gentlemen who may favour him with their time of Birth. Natrvities caleulated on Math tical Principles — N.B. Please to observe the Name on the door.” He is as polite as a hungry dodger should be—favour him with your time of birth, and please observe the name onthe door. He is scarce worth notice. But we have reserved the c'imax as a bonnc bouche. Were is a production of real note. It purports to he a pre- diction of the fortune of a young lady of exalted rank, whose illustrious position exposes her to the impertinence of such creatures as those who issue the following handbill. They date fiom St. Luke's, so are probaly on a visit to some of their dupes, The lady is one of the Princesses, of whom a firm of impostors cackles thus :— “ At the given time of the Royal Native's birth, the sign Pisces arose, giving the benevolent Pianet Venus as her ruling star. We o-msider h-r nativity as fortunate, and she will live in great esteem, and be much res) in society. The Moon in Seorpio makes her cheerful, agreeable, peasant, just, and kind; of goed temper and disposition, fond of musie, painting, poetry, xing, dancing, ding, also gives a partiality for changes and witnessing many strange and cur ous scenes, cenera!ly a favorite and much admired by Gentlemen. In all kinds of pleasures, love affairs, parties, &e. the Roy«l Native will find her own sex tobe her enemies, oni they will deewive her often. She will travel and see many different place>, have many removals and changes of residenre. Of marriage, her husband will be above the middie stature, good looking, of fair complexion, dark hair, a sharp, acute, and active man, of a | pleasant, joeular, and flexible dixposition, a free and generous spirit, and im general very mnch respected and beloved. We jadge the Royal Princess will marry about the age of 22 years and 4 mouths.” And for rubbish and vulgarity of this kind, persons are actually found to pay. ‘Yhis is the sort of trash, by vending which Rapwaens and ZapkIeis, and Urres, and other angelic gentlemen (who would robably consider a street pi kpecket a dishonest man) get their vine: Comment upon such delirious jargon would be almost as absurd as the thing itself. Truly, people have something to learn, even in this age of enlighten- ment, and if Evangelicals and Tractarians were not so very busy battering one another in riding-houses upon questions of chants and shirts, we would ask them to consider whether education be not a thing for which there is still some little room. However, we must wait until it is settled whether “ Amen” should be said or sung.

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is - * ee. fad cw PF Baer FP eae >, Sa e's ees = oo —- PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 43 SUNDAY FOR THE SUPERIOR CLASSES. E attended a Meeting yes-| terday held at the Cat and Fiddie, the large tap. of which — “_~ wus densely crowded by per- sons chiefly cf the lower) orders. ‘Lhe objected this concourse was to Beeppro- cate the kind attention | and solicitude of the su- perior classes im -endea- vouring to enf@ree the public house the doors of amusement Numerous spa made by pressive of tion under felt themselves ‘to who, not c fishly | them religious buses, Were so kind as to devete their principal at’ ention to that | of others. It was unani-| mously agreed that such disinterestedmessought to | be met n@ ! spirit ; Re was adopted for the presentation of a petition to Parliament demai of all club-houses on Sunday, and the exclusion, to be earried into effeet by the —. of the nobility and gentry from their own parks and gardens, on the day of rest. | _ The petition further required the prohibition of hot dinners on that festival, and also ofa all other superfluous dressmg; namely, the excessive decoration of the person, in which the better orders, so called, are too prone to indulge. Much stress was laid on the yainful fact that carriages, belonging to the aan, were to be seen on ad standing at church doors, im the charge of domestics, bedizened in ostentatious liveries, and having their hair plastered and powdered ; operations involving an amount of work wholly unnecessary. Al! present appeared to feel that one good turn deserves another ; and that the grand principle to be observed, in spiritual as well as in temporal matters, is to consult the good of | Our neighbour rather than our own. The facility attending this metbod of prac- tising piety was particularly insisted on. The utmost harmony of sentiment pervaded the assembly, and it appeared to be actuated by the best possible spirit. AN ARISTOCRATIC AVALANCHE. Tue Morning Post gave the other day a fearful account of the falling of avalanche (im the shape of a pane of glass from a skylight) at the “reception” of Maxcuioness or Westminster. This result of the negligence of the glasier seems to have caused as much consternation as a casualty from a glacier, among | the assembled visitors, none of whom, however, were smothered by the débris, | though Ma. Aucusrus Lomier was unfortunately under the skybght when the, | pane tumbled. The affair spread such dismay among the aristocratic group, whose nerves to huve been frightfully shattered by the breaking of the window, | that, “Ser Micasget Saaw Srewaxt and other gentlemen, went in instant search of medical assistance!” The doctors’ night-bells im the neighbourhood seem to) have been rumg by Str Micwagt. and his frightened followers with sueh effect, | that “several su ” were soon on the spot, and Ma. Lumuey’s face having | been instantly pieced in “several’’ profession»! hands, was found to have ed @ scratch, or to use the technical la of the Post, an “injury of a al | nature.” We are rather surprised at the non-issue of a series of tins to allay the anxiety of that part of the public whiety may be supposed to take an interest in Ma. | _ Luuey’s countenanee. hing like the followmg might have been satisfactory. | | 1 0’Clock s.4.—The scratch has been measured ; it exceeds one ineh, in length. |, 20’Clock.—A consu'tation has talea place among the “several” surgeons, who, jointly and severally recommend court-plaister. : | 5 Minutes past 1 —Qoart-pinister hae been. applied, and gave its adhesion with rapidity. 4 Past 2.—Mr. Lousy has passed a quiet half-hour, and is better. | | 3 0’Clock.—The “several” surgeons have had another consultation, and propose _ to “exh it” gold-beater’s skin should the state of the serateh be satisfactory. 4 Past 3.—The patient has just submitted to the operation of removing the eourt- | plaister, which was performed by one of the surgeons im the presence of the; | “several” others, se promptly called in by Sm Mscmace Suaw Srewamt and, the other gentlemen who ran for assistance. 4 0 Clock—The epidermis has united under the gold-beater’s skin, and the | patient beimg prorounced convalescent. by the “several” /surgeons, who have held another | bulletin will be issued. BETWEEN BULL AND BSAR. A Brace of vultures,—black and foul both— On a guide-post | saw perching : » Now back to now cheek by jowl, both, To right and left alternate lurciing. Two names that guide-post’s arms display so That e one who runs read ‘ein : he one toa eiees = tn , 80 a The other points the road to Freedom. Never from more unpleasant weather Siifty and sly for shelter eoweri ase sly erlug, a more howeriy > Soe ee pe a In those two brutes bestowed there, Bristling with and teeth, and claws, Sir.”’ And then I looked and saw the reason, Why these ’cute vultures kept their perches : In spite of the inclement season And their uneasy mutual lurches ; oy road to Freedom, tumbled — — Sat Ursa mr hy ping the path to Slavery, grumbled The British Bull—that tough old stager! Then, the Vultures, “ Fain on Freedom We'd turn our backs, and hold with Bruin: Bat if the Ball should toss and bleed him, To side with him might be our ruin. Should 'aurus be upset by Ursa, Where should we be, it once we fly hence ? “ So, c tis our safest plan, Sir, While exh in turn his pk urges, To sit as long as e’er we can, Sir, At this poiut where the road diverges. We th'nk the Bull is fuol enough, Sir, To stay, till we have made our minds up; For though the animal looks Sir— Without a fight what odds he winds up ? “ For our own | tn our wish is strong, Sir, —_ - ee ae: As carrion-provider, long, Sir, Each of us owns himself his debtor. But. as, if either floor the other, We vultares ly shall suffer, Our game is still war’s fire 10 smother, And act between them as a buffer. “Only you go away and leave us To hun the Bull a little ; Say = we = he’ ll = ieve us, A rthe Bear gets stronger. While the Sat ctayoen car aneusee— Of course we speak him very fair, Sir— His time aud fighting pluck he loses. In point of fact torgets the Bear, Sir. “ Hoping the Ball won’t be a mover Ti ia hinbest we euhenes pul, Rie— Oar game is still to tide things over— To act with and talk with Ball, Sir. But if the Bull wid/ tight—and flies off From Protoeol ano Ultimatam, At worst ‘tis but to fling disguise off, And help our friend the Bear to bait him '”’ consultation, ao further | | ei. et See ary AAO ied as Re die 0: RE 8 5 ET gl inchieg poston 7 ra whan ee

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44

lil THE | ORIGINAL ful PENNY {i

ys A |CE OM Pee SHOP A A i a

SS. a PROGRESS OF CIVILISATION. Ramoneur (on Donkey). “Frrca 0s OUT ANOTHER Pey’NortH oO’ SrrawsuReRy Icz, wita A Dottor or Lemon Water iy 17.” AS CLEAR AS CRYSTAL! Yes, Mr. Latye—as clear and unwrinkled, quite—your open, spark- | ling account of the ledger condition of the Crystal Palace, as made and delivered to Crystal Shareholders in particular, and to the world in general. The Gresuam Grasshopper might have been heard by the fine, monetary ear, to give a blithe chirp at debtor and creditor account ; and the — of CroakEr—a spirit that, it is its function, pervades all things for a time—been d to squeak like a rat in a trap at the manifest, declared prosperity of the Crystal Glory that, like unto prismatic soap-bubble, was to shine awhile, and then, bubble-like, | break and vanish. Nevertheless, Croaker is a serviceable agent, | though a spirit “least erect.” Old as the hills, and in defiance of a thousand rebuffs, CroaKer is still as active and vigorous, as when he| took an invisible place in the —~y declared the world’s vessel in no } way seaworthy; but—the thing been so hastily built; the wood | was so green, and the piteh of the most crude and irretentive quality —but that world’s ship must founder, go irrevocably to the bottom. | She was too long in the back, too narrow in the beam, and go she must ! | It proved otherwise. And then Croaker—what was the spirit’s| name in the days before the Deluge we know not, but our haphazard rendering of it is Croaker the familiar—leaving the Ark, with the, creeping things, groaned at the miry earth; foretelling the utter| annihilation of corn-seed, vine-stocks, lentils. The whole world was a) world of mud ; and—hapless race of man !—there was nought left for the | kind, but to stick in it. Nevertheless, Croaker, in due season, ate best wheaten bread, drank delicious wine, and comforted his still-| doubting stomach with mess of savoury pottage. And from the flood downw ROAKER has been among men} chuckling at unborn disaster, and rubbing his thin, dry hands at calamity | that never comes! In that year of human presumption, 1851, was not | Croaker ever present in Hyde Park, hugging himself, as the Crystal | Palace Tee en apens himself with the thought of its certain destruc-| tion? The would enter the Palace, a very high, tall wind would. some day enter that huge mountain of brittleness, and—like the effect | of a hurricane entering an umbrella~like an umbrella, it would be | turned inside out! Croaxer’s thin blood warmed, and his sharp, | pointed ears were pricked with the future music of the warning crash ! |

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

| THE PROTECTOR OF THE PRINCIPALITIES. Tue following announcement, according to a contem- e porary, has been made by the Czar: , “ To all official documents published in the Principalities in which the name of the Eureron Nrcwotas occurs, the words Protector of the | Principalities must be added.” | Our own correspondent informs us that Nicwotas has | vouchsafed to explain the nature of his Protectorate if the | proclamation subjoined : Inhabitants of the Danubian Principalities.—In the pro- secution of my mighty scheme of universal empire, I have thought proper to begin by taking you under my protection, that protection which I purpose ing to all the nations of the earth. I shall protect you from the evils arising from excess of food, by sending soldiers among you to destroy those crops with which your ground is eneumbered, and whereof the harvest inposes so heavy a task upon you. My armies shall protect your souls from the tyranny exercised by Avarice over most persons who have great possessions, by relieving you of most of your money and goods, and nearly everything you possess. They shal! pro- tect your bodies from cold by the con ations which they will kindle in retreating (that is feigning to retreat) before the heathen enemy. My soldiers of the Cross, combating against the enemies of Christianity for the orthodox faith, shall protect your wives, your daughters, your sisters, from yourselves. “Non confundar in eternum.” NICHOLAS.

Wooden Bullets and Wooden Walls. A Corresronpent of the Daily News says that a great part of the walls of the fortress of Cronstad

it are “merely wood painted to look like granite.” If it is only a fight then between walls, surely ours ought to win the day; more especially, when we know that Russian bullets are also made of wood,—to match, we suppose, their walls. How much longer ( may we ask Lorp ABERDEEN) are the “ Wooden Walls” of Old England to be thus mocked by the “‘ Wooden Walls of Russia.”

Crystal Palace? Wait for the first high wind, and you will have a Crystal Chaos. t was very provoking—but who, in the name of novelty, could have foreseen it ? The Crystal Innovation did not tumble in—neither was it blown out: but, its purpose accom , was soberly taken to pieces, bit by bit, and there it is, or nearly all of it, shining and glisten- ing the Crystal Crown of Sydenham Hill. Nevertheless, the thing will nof do. It is too far from the resort of civilised men. London will never undertake such a long, tedious, time-consuming pilgrimage. Had it been built up again on Battersea flat, there might have been just a forlorn hope of its success, But Sydi Hill! As well pitch the building on Salisbury Plain. This time Croaxer is really com- forted. There was a chance for the folly of 1851—but what can be hoped for the Insanity of 1854? Nevertheless, Srm JoszrH Paxton is not only at ; but is to be seen everywhere going about—and sometimes in half-a-dozen places at once—without a keeper. And now, Mr. Larye delivers his Me ages mn account of the directors’ wr and Croaker bites his thumb, disgusted and disappointed! People—but then they are all insan tens and twenties of thousands, betake themselves to the Crystal. ; and what is more, going once, they must go twice; gomg twice, are compelled to go three times; going t it becomes in them a fixed, determined idea to go as often as life its duties will permit them. A mad world, my masters—cries whom here we leave— “el rae pl rear an n. Larne, having accounts were clear as the fabric whereof representatives—did not attempt to disg holders the fact of an alarming <5: The Crystal Palace of Sydenham was to be opposed by a Crystal Bear-Garden The teetotaliers, all wormwood at the thoughts of tap in the Crystal Palace, had resolved to purchase—nay, had purchased the : Zoological arden, aod were determined to let loose the t denham ! Alligators were already on their evento me ae r “the. crocodile —— a a live mermaid secured, week abate without her customary ; There is moreover an rum-addicted at the Gardens at the present hour—it is said, much given to alcoholic fasci- matienn, (lee qudonse of which, ton hinted dheiies tein Staite oh aalp

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if he | Tl iy ue * THE GIANT AND THE DWARF. Gieat, “WELL DONE, MY LITTLE MAN! YOU’VE DRUBBED THE RUSSIANS AT SILISTRIA—NOW GO AND TAKE SEBASTOPOL.” | 1 8. 8) eee eee fire Padlics Avcust 5, 1854.) [Puncu, No. 682.

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ry ¥

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 47 time to consume his half-pound of brown sugar, duly diluted with half- | a-pint of old Jamaica rum. This mandril will be subjected to the | earnest discipline of Mz. Goven, and will, it is expected, very soon take water like a duck. {t might be supposed that the teetotallers ough! to content them- selves with these manifestations of their own purity, withvut insisting upon throwing cold water upon everybody and everywhere else. But it is not so. The Crystal Company—such was the terrible accusation— had broken faith with a distinguished wa'ermau, inasmuch as they | vended sundry abominations known as port, sherry, bottled stout, and bitter beer to the unguarded Briton. Mer. Larne, with unblushing impenitence, confessed to the fact. He was even lost, hardened enough to declare that, after hours’ work- ing in the Pal-ce, his forlorn soul had yearned for a glass of the | strength of imalt, flavoured with the bitterness of hops. Without enigma—he meaat bitter beer. He, moreover, confessed to what might be called broken faith; but which he considered amended determina- | tion. On reflection, it had been thought better that men, under the Crystal roof, should temperately refresh themselves, all mutually sus- | taining one another even by their own self-respect of the decencies of | life, there and then in their own Crystal Palace,—than that, turned away bungering and athirst, they should be absorbed in the holes and corners of surrounding publie-houses, Is it not better that Ropmvsow | —in the full light of his own Palacz, with humanising elevating objects | } all around should there and then quaff even ins bottle of stout, better | than that he should enter the hole and corner parlour of the Devil-in-a- Bush, and there obscurely drink and smoke, and smoke and drink? In the Crystal Palace, Ropinson’s soul delights with beauty; in the pot- house, the said suul may haply drop and wallow im the sawdust of a spittoon. ; Nevertheless, an earnest, good man—hight Cuartes Gitpry—cried ' aloud for teetotalism, frankly and fervently denouncing the heathenism | | of Larne, declared and shown in a glass of bitter beer. | Water!” was the cry of the teetotaller. | kindly feeling hetween the Cryst “ Water ! And then arose Sir Josern Paxton. (“ And Josern was a goodly | person and well-favoured”) And Six Joseru, opening his mouth, evea | as the mouth of the Thames, promised water. Yes; most happy | public, happy in this. your Crystal generation, Paxton promises that next sammer’s sun shall turn to diamond showers thousands of tons of | water. Moreover, a silver lake! And for the fountains, they would | give any odds to the fountains of Versailles, and whether by working | or playing, would beat them afterwards. Vith this glad assurance, Mr. Larne’s report was joyously received, the pregnant prologue to a happy future. In proof, however, of the Palace governors, and the keepers | of the Crystal Menagerie, Sin Josera Paxton has promised next year | | to forward the earliest crop of water-lilies by way of spring medicine to the lions. THE CHEMISTRY OF COMMON DOMESTIC LIFE. (By a Strong-Minded Woman-—with a strong Chemical Turn.) THE subjects to be treated in this interesting series—and into which will be thrown the experience of a long married life—will be :- No. 1.—The At we breathe, and why our dear children (bless them!) always require a change of it at a certain period of the year. | No. 2.—The Coup Meat we eat, and why it generally produces ill | humour when there is no pudding after it. No. 3.—Tne Joryts we cook at home, and the Joints that are cooked | for us in a lodging-house, and how the latter invariably lose | so much more in the cooking. No. 4—The Pancakes we fry and the wonderful Puppies we) contrive, whenever there is a doubt, whether there will be sufficient for dinner. No. 5.—The Port-Lucx that our husbands will persist in bringing! their friends home to partake of, and the various Srzews and Brorts that always come out of it. No. 6—The Luncnzons we enjoy when alone, and the Drovers we cannot touch when there is company. No. 7.—The Suerry we drink ourselves, and the MarsaLa we give our friends at an evening party. No. 8—The Sweets we give our children, and the Birrerns we receive from our husbands for so doing, on the absurd plea) that it makes the poor little dears ill. No. 9.—The Som we cultivate in our conseryatories and out in our balconies, and the Frowexs (hyacinths particularly) we} rear on our mantelpiece. No. 10.—The Beveraces we infuse after an oyster supper, and the| reflect Siors we imbibe when we have a cold. | perished of No. 11.—The Ovovrs (inelading souk od patchouli) we love best, and the Smeris we dislike most, especially that filthy tobacco-smoke. No. 12.—The Pets we cherish, and that are generally attributed to our over-feeding them. No. 13.—The Quarreus we ferment and the Storms we brew, when- ever poor mother comes to make a short stay in the house. No. 14.—The Taste-Beer bet our servants, and an analysis of the strange rapidity with which it is drunk, though the un- grateful creatures are always complaining of it. No. 15,—The Tea asp Sucar we allow the Cook and Housemaid, and the extraordinary preferenee have for that whicl used in the parlour. = aia ale the real causes of the illnesses No. 16.—What we Breatue, and whom we Brratue ror, and the great benefit there is in Srays, by theirenabling us to breathe so much better, and how @ heated room gencrally improves the Resrrration and V ewriLaTion. No. 17.—The Bopy we love and nourish and take care of, with an exposure of the absurd fallacy that thim shoes, low dresses, and scanty clothing are in the least inyarious to health. ALL UP WITH ENGLAND. (From the Journab de St, Potersiourg.) INCERELY do we congratulate our readers on the extreme distress and misery in which the English are involved by = reason of the impious war 7, which they have dared to wage against our august Lord and Master, Nicao- Las. We have the happi- ness to assure the subjects of His Iwperian Masesty starvation. ‘The price of bread had yates to a sum which places it beyond the means of a!! classes but the most opulent of the nobility: and the searcity of all other provisions is equally severe. Mutton- . chops are a sovereign SS apiece, and thirty pounds are demanded for a joint of «meat by the few butchers who to keep their shops . There is not a cat to be seen; and everything would be eaten up by rats and mice if there were any- thing for the mice and rats to eat; and if those vermin had not all famine, as many as have not been caught, and applied to the same as the cats. The dogs also have disappeared from the streets, and even from the kennels of the aristocracy: thus foxes ‘ean no longer be hunted for food, and there is not a basin of soup to be had, or a sausage. Owing to the imposition of the Malt Tax, the Manguis or Wesr- wrnster and Baron Roruscurp are the only persons in the count besides the Queen and Prince Axsert, who can afford beer: an ly all the cab-drivers and coalwhippers are in a state border- ing on revolt. Whitebait and minnows are sixpence each: whilst who this time last year were rolling in wealth, may now be seen fighting in the City gutters for a bone. The few hides imported have been entirely devoured; so that boots and shoes are not pro- ‘curable, and the population is going barefoot. The seme statement applies to tallow: insomuch that the nobility’s balls are illuminated by rushlighte, and soda and potash being equally deficient, there is now a terrible meaning in the inquiry, “ How are you off for soap?” Such is the want of hemp, that Carcnart, the executioner, is reduced to the employment of hay-ropes, and the dearth of paper is so extreme that not only can the fly no kites, but accommodation bills cannot any longer te drawn, for lack of material, Nay, it has been found impossible, for the same reason, to carry into effect the issue of bank- notes, by which it was in contemplation to establish an artificial eurrency : for in is now more valuable than gold. [t is obvious that ses of this unhallowed contest cannot be sus- tained much longer by the British infidels: im the meantime we on the gratifying circumstance that they are subsisting on and beginning to think seriously about eating their babies. that those wicked islanders | are in a state of absolute | Wik tek San i tla gle nape a

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48 Itinerant Newsman, No. 1. “1 say BILL, WHAT ARE you GIvING ’EM?” Ditto, No. 2. “ Gaaxp Massacrner oy THe Frencu, and TERRIBLE SLaventTer or THe Bartisa Troors.” A LADY'S CONSCIENCE AND A JUDGE'S DUTY. Atv the Exeter Assizes a lady, acting on conscientious scruples, | refused to be sworn. The judge, Mr. Justice Wicutmay, hearing that the lady objected to an oath under the impression that all oaths are forbidden by a text of Scripture, referred her to the “ Sheriff’s Chaplain,” who it seems is prepared to “ explain texts of Scripture,” a process which sometimes ends in rendering obscure that which at first appeared perfectly plain. The lady left the court to have an interview | with the professional remover of conscientious scruples, who had been recommended by the judge as a person calculated to overturn, by a few minutes’ conversation, the conviction of perhaps many years, and to change into an easy oath-taker, an individual who had on principle refused to “ swear at all.” science was however not accomplished, and the professional explainer of texts did not succeed in that rapid overthrow of those objections to an oath, of which he had been expected to make the very shortest work. 1e lady returned into court as firm as ever in her conscientious refusal to be sworn; and the judge, telling her that “she would have all the inconvenience but none of the merit of*a martyr,” that “he could not say he sympathised with her,” committed her to prison for the remainder of the assizes, in the discharge of what he called his “painful duty.” If his Lordship had no sympathy we are at a loss to | know how his duty could have been painful to him, for unless he felt vain for the object of his sentence, we do not see how he could have oe pained by anything but the mere labour—such as it was—of uttering so many words. Both ies perhaps fulfilled their duty, but in looking at the respective merits of the judge and the lady, there is | no difficulty in deciding which had the highest duty to pur Teg We think the judge might have spared his irrelevant observations, and he might certainly have omitted his gratuitous declaration of want of sympathy—a quality he had not been asked to manifest, though his repudiation of it will do him as much harm in the opinion of thousands, as the firmness under implied insult and real suffering will reflect credit on the lady, whom his Lordship politely committed to the hands of the jailer. It is strange that it did not occur to the judge that if it was his duty | to act in obedience to the law of the land, it was 4 fortiori the duty of | the lady to pay obedience to that higher authority, under whose direc- tion she was conscientiously acting. If this fact struck his mind, he might have refrained from those sneers at the expeuse of her scruples, with which he accompanied the sentence of imprisonment he thought proper to enforce. ' The whole transaction, as affording a fresh instance of the way in which the law of the land and the moral law are brought into collision, by the present system of i an effect that will prevent a repetition of such scenes as the one in | of lands which are the _— the pledge acted—perhaps the principal, but certainly not the ighest—part. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL not the least interesting is offered by The expected lubrication of the lady’s con- | ‘a playground. The Lower H in judicial proceedings, may have | / enclosed themselves ? SCOTTISH LIONS AT THREE PENCE. (From the Caledonian Advertiser.) Tue Season for Summer Excursions is now at hand, and doubtless | the steps of numerous tourists, whether in search of health or recreation, | or both, will take the direction of the Land o’ Cakes. Among the | many attractions which are THE GLORY AND THE BOAST OF CALEDONIA, DRYBURGH ABBEY, which, in addition to the historical associations connected with its venerable ruins, derives a peculiar charm from the circumstance of being hallowed by enclosing within its precincts the cherished tomb which contains all that was earthly of the far-famed Wizard of the North. It is unnecessary to state that by that title is intended, not our wonder- | working countryman, Mr. ANpEKsoN, who, we are happy to state, is alive and well, but the magic minstrel, whose enchanting strains and romances have won for himself and his country a world-wide celebrity, | the talented author of “ Waverley,” SIR WALTER SCOTT. As an object worthy the attention of the tourist, Dryburgh Abbey has this peculiar advantage, that, considered in the light of a burial place, and therefore as a locality suggestive of grave and solemn meditations and trains of thought, it is one of those few scenes of a recreative nature which are eligible for a Sunday visit, affording, as it does, “SERMONS IN STONES” on the transitory nature of even the most gifted existence, and other subjects fraught with melancholy instruction. For admission to the Abbey, includiug the sight of Sir Warten’s. | tomb, the enterprising lessee has reduced his demand to the small sum of Three Pence for Adults; Children Half Price. No extra charge is made for the privilege of dropping a tear over departed , genius. ‘The Lessee of Dryburgh Abbey confidently trusts that the liberality with which, whilst practically excluding the vulgar masses, he has thus thrown almost open to the better orders a scene of so humanizing and softening a tendency, especially to the young, as is presented by those time-honoured and consecrated premises, will be met by the genteet portion of the public in a corresponding spirit; and that there “breathes not the man with soul so dead” as to refuse to the memory of SCOTLAND'S GREATEST AUTHOR, a tribute so extremely reasonable as Six Bawbees, TREATING PRUSSIA DIPLOMATICALLY. Tue Kine or Prussia, wishing to assist his imperial brother-in-law in his difficulties, sent him an affectionate letter, in which he begged of him not to have any reserve with him, but candidly to submit to him his case, and he would promise faithfully, and without disguise to give him his unbiassed opinion upon its merits. The Emperor, deeply touched with this noble proof of friendship, sent his “ dearly-beloved brother,” the case as he thought it exactly stood. It was carefully gone through, and when the King had thoroughly made himself master of its contents, he forwarded to St. Petersburg a report, in which he said “he had scarcely made up his mind yet—it was certainly a most difficult question—but as far as he had gone, he must say his opinion was decidedly favourable—still it to him that the case at. | present was incomplete—so he would much rather not say anything | until he had seen the whole cf it.” The fact is, the case submitted to the Prussian Monarch was no other than a case of Clicquot Champagne. L rere reg —— Rescue of Hampstead Heath. We are much obliged to the House of Commons for having thrown | out the Finchley Road Estate Bill. Thank Heaven we have a House ‘ of Commons! e Lords, with parks of their own to enjoy themsclves } in, had no difficulty in passing an Act tending to deprive the public of | ouse has shown more sympathy with the e, and will, we trust, make a stand against the further enclosure peop yple’s property: for, being Commons, they must feel the force of the question. How would they like to be | aoe |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 49

THE UNITED HAPPY FAMILY. ( Respectfully dedicated to the Cabinet.) Wark walk up—walk up! Threepenee each--for the Exhibition ! The United Happy Family— ying competition ! ! Com of discordant creatures In colour, and species, and age too, Complexion, habits, and features, And all in the same too! Walk up! Walk up! The Patriarch of the collection Is this cunning old Scotch cat, here, He has hardish strife for a quiet life, What with ow! aud monkey and rat here. But he stands aggrawation with meekness— the monkey his temper tries, Sir ; Ob—serve the animal’s sleekness, And bis habit of shuttme his eyes, Sir, Walkup! Walkup! Next observe the ery mg monkey— He’s a bad un—he is—to keep —_ He pulls the owls’ tails, and the eat he assails— ow the old boy stands it, I wonder. Pam’s the monkey’s name—up to all sorts o’ game, He keeps the whole cage in ’ot water ; But the coppers he draws and gets great applause; And that’s what we looks arter. alk up! Walk up! Here ’s a pair of owls—werry wise-looking fowls, Rayther given the young birds to cu Much looked up to by all the family, But that moukey—as don’t respect nuffin. One’s a Wobarn bird—he’s great, I’ve heard, In constitutional histories : T’ other ’s Oxford-bred—and hig as his head May be, it’s chock-full of Church mysteries. Walk up! Walk up! There ’s that mag-pie, but he’s a bad bargain, d’ ye see, I was told he was sich a talker : . But since here he come, the bird ’s been dumb— W hat said of his jaw’s all Walker ! He was ed, I’ve heard, in Adm’ralty yard ; Bat it’s time his neck was wrung, Sir: For I ax, whats the use, for fun or abuse, Of a mag-pie without a tongue, Sir? Walk up! Walk up! Here ’s a Netherby terrier—a wonderful worrier Of vermin, I’ve heard, he used to be ; Bat now lives cheek by jowl with the eat and the ow! And parted they can’t be induced to be. That there teasim’ the cat’s the Australian rat, Observe his white skim and pink peepers ; He’s a rum un to bite, and he’s day and night At the owls, which they ’re ’eavy sleepers. alkup! Walk up! That there coekatoo, red-crested and bl Was bro all the way from Argyle, Sir: And alongside the same, is a cock, real game— The Neweastle ginger-pile, Sir. That Grey starling’s been ailing, we thought he was failing, But again, as before, his tongue pegs away ; We’ve a Cackoo from Ciarendon—aint he just an arrant un! That’s him hiding between the cat’s legs away— Walk up! Walk ap! And there if the straw on one side you "Il draw, Is the Southwark guinea-pig dozing : Tho smart when awake, bis sleep ’s hard to break, And he’s gin’rally found reposing. Another I put im the cage—such a strut As he had, whea he warn't a-snoring! But the fam’ly one day found him so in the way, He got shoved th a hole im the flooring. Walk up! walk up! So if pleased you have been with the sight that you ’ve seen— Recommend the Exhibition. - ws 1’m sare you mast own such a show was ne’er shown At the same low charge for ad nission.

Birds and Beasts with each other live, as brother with brother, Of encroachment or strife none complain e’er : We’ve no rumpus—nor row— [4 tremendous animal noises heard within.

There ’s the fam’ly a fightin’ again there ! (Exit Mr. Punch to setile the difficulty. ee = = A WORD WITH MR. BAINES.

who are you ? I believe the truth is, Mr Baryes, that

I am much mistaken you tay 0 Dissenter cf-compapecien, ant an Ebenezer, or Enon, or Little Bethel, or such like meeting-house. Very well. Enjoy your dissent with all my heart. Dissent from me toto calo, if you Yo to carry your dissidence so far. But let us have reciprocity. d Sunday in hen: zer if you will, but | See eres fatter inns ap pep pet <b salen, <b a lease wher eon ) to that seotees b to exhibit strat of those i posits o Semapeane Sr De yprieae am a Protestant and a Dissenter, myself. I dissent from the Council of Trent, and I the su of — Pio. Noxo, a ¢ 2 ar eo rom nions im regard ". protest there is so authanty im them to ccutsol actions. I say that you |neither have nor ought to have any spiritual jurisdiction in these | dominions. I also say that neither you oT other of the | }

| Sabbatarians can bring me one text out of the Book, which we all to keep Sunday as the Jews were ordered to keep , or ding me to walk in , or stroll about in a couservatory, or inspect statues, or of you have been thus il not answer the challenge ; that you ignore the argument which you are unable to refate ; blink the truth i i and persist in your sermons a not. Do you really believe that the average mind—TI will not say of a eo tiem at ware Soro bi on mass, in short, —is e¢ oocapying itself with spiritual meditations during all the hours of Sawday inter- vening between the services, besides being attentive to these? If not, what had the man better do than seek some ivnocent amusement ? Go to bed and to sleep, or sit twiddling his thambs, or smoke # pipe, and imself with spirit-and-water? That is the only spirituality, Mr. Barwes, that will be promoted by the tyraumy of your Sabbatarians ; believe PUNc.

= —_——s A Pierore or Peace (Vide Lawpseen’s Picture) —Lonp Axyen-

caterwauling, barking, screaming, scuffing, shrieking, and general outbreak of agonised and angry ( Aside.) Hullow, what ’s up now ?

|

DEEN, as a Scotch Sheep looking into a Russian’s gun.

enqnrqeny wie sb 1

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4 :. a 50 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

ses THE MUSIC OF THE POLITICAL ; > 2 SPHERES. ee \ ¢ Ow the proposition of Sim Fitzroy Ketty, a - ; a f \ ' |clause nas been inserted in the Bribery Bill to . - |prevent the employment of bands of music at |elections. This arrangement will be rather hard | on all the trumpets, trombones, and other “ brazen engines whose rude throats ” have been hitherto |employed in providing a sort of nominal har- mony at a contested election. We think that all the Green Baize Bands in the Kingdon are entitled |to ask for compensation for the loss they will | sustain by this rather harsh enactment. A band ‘ | was a most useful appendage at a contested elec- = | tion, for even the most short-winded of brazen | instruments was preferable to the long-winded and equally brazen of those who are in the habit | of making themselves the instruments of rival | candidates. A bad polka is always better than a bad speech, and we would rather hear even MenpeLssoun murdered on the ophicleide than ~~ \Linptey Murray murdered on the hustings. As the Bribery Bill is intended to prevent can- didates from paying, as they have formerly done, to a pretty tune, it is perhaps thought that ‘by domg away with bands, a stop will be put to the practice of paying to any tune whatever.

; | rer y Re, NF. LAS : ai S | The Czar's Want of Scimitary. ~~ Ye N z= ss NE Tue Emperor or Russta has shown the ‘cloven foot. It is greatly to be wished that he SOMETHING LIKE SPORT. would lead his own troops into action, as in that

'ease there would be some hope that he would Jolly Angler. “Hooray, Tom! I’vz cot oNE—AND MY worD! Dipn’T HE PULL?” likewise show the cloven head.

THE BELGRAVIAN MUSIC-MANIA. A RUSSIAN PROBLEM SOLVED. § common, we suppose, with most civilised beings, we have long been puzzled to understand why the Rus- sians, perhaps more than any other nation, have such an inordinate taste for tallow —we mean not as an article of light but of diet. From our earliest cradlehood the rtrait of a Russian has en drawn in oils upon our mental canvas: and we have pictured him to ourselves as a hairy individual, holding with one hand a bunch of candles to his lips, like the boy with the grapes in Mv- RILLO’s picture, while his other hand rests upon a can of lamp oil, wherewith to wash down the tallowy tit- bits. We have also heard Ix Belgravia there is, and has been for some time, raging a frenzy | analogous in character to the remarkable mania resulting from the bite of the tarantula spider. It consists in a rabid propensity to sing, as uncontrollable as the itch for dancing, wherewith the Neapolitans | are irritated by the venom of that insect. This species of delirium, which is of a contagious nature, and also | uewhat corresponds with that of the “ Flagellants” of ecclesiastical | history, first manifested itself among the sect called Puseyites or | l'ractarians, who abound in the district. It is said to have broken out simultaneously in the Churches of St. Paul and St. Barnabas, which | 4 are frequented principally by those enthusiasts, who, abandoning, under | its influence, the usage ot rational persons, took to chanting their prayers instead of saying them, and have now arrived at such a pitch of absurdity, as not only to sing, but against all sober and sensible advice, to persist in singing theeLitany. It is not to be expected that the disorder will stop here: indeed there can be little doubt that the St. Paul’s and St. Barnabas’ congregations will very soon, if not next | Sunday, insist on having the Sermon sung, instead of being preached to them. Demeaning themselves with so much extravagance in Church, it will | correctly be surmised that these music-mad people proceed to still greater excesses in social intercourse. They are reported to sing} responses to inquiries about their health, which they also put 1 | recounted wild legends by one another in singing, and to converse concerning the weather and | our fathers of how, when the war in recitative. Their table-talk is likewise all carried on in| . the Russian fleet once lay music, so that their dinner parties, and other reunions, as the fashion-| at Spithead (as we rather think it possible it may again shortly, with able phrase runs, are so many harmonic meetings: and very wonderful | ¢,¢ ‘Black Eagle flying beneath the British Ensign), the streets of it is to see the higher phases of society thus approximate to those | portsmouth were nightly put in darkness by unenlightened Russians i which are presented at Cider-cellars and Coal-holes. They make love in | who sucked out the lamps as fast as they were lit. In fact we have 3 song, as characters do at the Opera; they debate likewise in tune : always been led to believe that however strong an attachment the although their differences with their neighbours have created much |}; .<sian may profess for his country, he is still continually betraying a discord in their parish. Their commands addressed to their footmen preference for Greece am and other servants are all melodious, and they literally sing out when | There is proverbially no accounting for tastes, and there has been they want their coachmen to stop. ’ | until lately no accounting for this. Time, however, and the Jnralide _If ever Belgravia should obtain a ‘member to represent it in the | Russe have together helped to solve the mystery. From the official Commons, and a Puseyite should be returned by the Constituents, | reports which that veracious print has published concerning the there is no doubt that the honourable gentleman will have a voice in| bombardment of Odessa, and other so-claimed Russian victories, it the House which he will exert in arias and ébrarwras. At a Public | seems to us quite clear that every Russian subject finds it necessary to Meeting recently held for the purpose of securing a choral litany, the | his existence to keep h's throat well greased, in order to prevent his Belgravians are understood to have sung those observations which in | being choked by the enormous lies which his Government is constantly

— a ee a ———

general constitute a plain speech. | obliging him to swallow. : Printed by William Bradbary, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish offSt. Poncras, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 27, Victoria Street, in the Parish of St. Mergaret and St. John, Westminster, both | in the County of Middlesex, Printers, at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitetriars, in the City of Loadon, and Pulithed by them at No. %, Fieet Street in the Parish of St. Bride, is the City of London.—Satuapar, August 5, S94

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—=—T_ eae VveareYemu ™ —— | | | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 5l A CLODHOPPER AT THE CRYSTAL PALACE. E are indebted to a corres-| mdent at Skimmerton’s | ttom for the subjoined | epistle, which, he informs us, | he heard the other evening, | read out before a consider- | able assembly of the inhabi- | tants of that Arcadia, at | the blacksmith’s shop. The | Trotrs are agriculturists, uncle and nephew, and the | letter was addressed by the latter gentleman to the former. In point of ortho- graphy our correspondent netic system, in acco! | he says, with the pronuncia- tion of old Mz. Trorv. To Mr. Isaac Trort, Jod’s Acre, Skimmerton’s Bottom, Bell Savige, Jume, 1854. “Dear Uncie, “The last words you sez when I left, mind you writes and tells me all about | that are Crystal Pallus, ’cause if you sez a be wuth zee’n, [ thinks as how I shall come up and ha a squint at un myzelf—Squint at un! Dost, thee’st squint thy eyes out, uncle, I tell’ee that. Well, I zed I ’ood, and little thought what a precious lie I was tell’n of. ‘Tell thee all about un! why, mun, that takes a matter o’ aighteen books—the laste on ’em as thick as a dab o’ bacon, and the biggest no thinner than a slice 0’ brem-butter. All I can tell thee of un is about my zee’y of un, and not bein a scollard, that li be hard work, how- somedever I'll zct to at it, for which purpose [’ve took off my quoat. “ Fust of all, uncle, if ever you visits the Crystal Pallus, I tell ’ee what you do aforehand. You take and drink a jug o’ beer. Not but what there ’s plenty o’ that beveridge to be had in the Pallus, and wine, | too for the matter o’ that,—in spite o’ them teetotaller chaps—and lots | a zwig 0’ beer afore thee o’ beef, and everythink else that’s good to ate, as well; but thee ha’ ’st in. Thee’st very zoon want another, I | prommus thee! Take a drop o’ beer vust to strengthen thy heart, and screw up thy pluck, and vartify thy narves. Dostn’t, when the zight bursts upon thee, thee’st be struck all of a heap wus than old Hoxss was at the Fat Cattle Show. It took me aback, I can tell ’ee, for all I did take a purty tolerable dose o’ the physic I recommends at startun’. “ Fancy a gurt build’n like a Cathydral, only eversomuch bigger, all o’ glass, ‘cept the posties and pillers, and sitch, which is iron, painte differn’t colours. Fancy a greenhouse, like as Appum med a had to grow viowers under in the Gearden o’ Edun, vive or zix times the as rendered it on the pho- d| here war. And though a be just now the Varmer’s Vriend, | -«zize o’ Nore’s Ark—big enough to cover half the parish, and moor THE STEPS AT THE CRYSTAL PALACE. nor a hunder’d voot higher than the weathercock "top o’ the church spire. And when you looks up into the roof on un, drat if it don’t sim as though the cielun of un was the sky itself, hooped athurt and across wi jistes and bames, like raainbows. “ As to what there’s inzide of un. Well, to tell ’ee that ood take more sheets o’ foolscap than there war skins o’ parchment in that laa- suit about Ditch-End. picturs, plants, viowers, stuffed birds and beastices, saviges and natives, took atur, in wax-works, wild man apes, aaa manner of wonderful works, oringe and lemon- trees, paams or whatever they calls ’em, and trees shrubs of ev sort from Atrikey, Botany Bay, and other hot . Besides yet, there'll be up colms o’ water this here when a be finished, which a bain’t prey a pg gmp ee there into ; ere, in coorse, all manner y La soe owen, ave gurt = - os! "em, as large as life, the evouts dragons, other monster: ast used to be afore ie Viood. , “Well, then you sees all the Kings and °’ d in | aaster o’ Parrus. You sees the temples o’ haythen Griks and and their greaven imidges, copied arter the ruins of ’em, and done wp a8 eee like they used to be in the times o’ Juius Cassar. Not only that, but you sees likewise the palluses o’ Farner, King 0’ and SyatcuacraB, King o’ Syrier, as you reads about, and all their ways and fight’n, charrats and hossmen, and the dumb idols they used to worship; bastes and birds, and creepin’ oid Honus, cxlgiesde oid sasemgie GUE an HED tot wn ) ARRY, giants which represents t ings. Sitch rum uns, zum on ’em; quay the bulls in Swatcnacras’s pallus, my ee, what bulls! bulls wi’ wings and faces like Christians. 1 never heard o’ a bull wi’ a human veace afore ‘cept Jonw Butt, and he hant got no wings like these here. I s’pose SyatcuacraB was forced to keep his bulls in a cage, for fear they should take it into their heads to wish good by to ’n, and viee away. “ Moorover likewise there’s the insides o’ churches, and all their curiosities, coloured and mended zo as to look like what they was in the times when everybody worshup’d the Puoar ; monniments o’ dead kings, took from life, as the Irishman zed, all gilt and warmillun, sitch as thee’st zin on a Satturday at the Caythadrel arter thee’st bin to market ; saaints wi’ their necks atwist stare’n like stuck pigs, and bishops wi’ their crooks in all manner o’ queer posters, cast’n the devil out o’ Pagan kings; zig-zag arches, twoads and frogs, griffins, imps, and hobgoblins. “ But there!—I should ha’ to on writun vrom this time to to-morrer, and not done then if | was to tellee all there is to be zin. Zoon as I gets back to look arter the varm, thee come up and zee’n thyself ; only mind what I sez about the beer, and git thee a new hat one as fits Toe, oe thee’st git zo many new notions into thy head that they ’ll be like to bust un. “ Well, this 1 ooll zay—though whate ’s up—for all these here times be ‘or we—when I see this here gurt work o’ Peace, the Crystal Pallus, I did*think to myself, what a horrid thi sh’n and improvement we’ve got into should tis that the civilisa- interrupted by this do zay, confound the Empzror o’ Roosuer! Zo no moor at present from your dootiful nevvy, “ Jzacos Trott.” THE FIRST. The Balance Right in the End. Disraeui is always threatening to move a want of confidence in inisters. However, if ministers have too litile confidence, Ma. DisRazi on the other hand has rather too much, so the House does not lose a great deal after all. THE LAST. Military Mems. Ir Lorp Ractax’s army is to make no other movement, his Lord- shi might as well allow it to adopt the moustache movement. ... tish soldier would be just as bold as he is if he were not so bar-faced. VOL. XXVII. G | | | | | | ————— f }

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52 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Baows and Jones orcr their wine, CRONSTADT TAKEN AFTER DINNER. POLITICAL FASHIONS IN SPAIN. | THe Queen or Spar promises, in her recent | proelamation, “a new era of true liberty, morality, amd justice.” There can be no doubt that if “liberty, morality, and justice” are really in- troduced into the Government of Spain, they will be amongst the greatest “novelttes of the season.” We should recommend the inserip- tion of the words Magasin des Nowseautés over all the Government offices. We shall be curious to see the new patterns of morality that are to proceed from the palace of Madrid, where the | modes have hitherto been such as would disgrace ‘any decent millimer’s establishment. in the way of Liberty we may expect some rather curious deviees, and we are very much afraid that the material will be of too flimsy a deseription for the wear and tear to which it will lbe liable. It is something new indeed to see | Madrid setting the fashions to Paris, but if lanything in the way of Liberty is to come into | vogue, the Spanish capital will be decidedly in jadvanece of the French metropolis. We fear, | however, that poor Liberty will soon have her | figure spoiled, and her free respiration impeded by the tight lacing which is too mach in fashion with some of the Continental Governments. An Educational Damper. A REVEREND gentleman advertises to “ prepare pupils for the public schools, washing included, for forty-four guineas per annum.” 1 quite understand the preparatory washing the pupil is expected to undergo to fit him for a public school, though we have met with cases in ‘which there has been a liberal use of soft soap We do not | . - i mw would I takes rons -_ ; pty Ae r and der ision, noth ng more easy. My om parents and guardians. Perhaps “ washing | dear Brows, look here nis table is the Baltic, very well. Now look—(Jowss places! included” means to eomprise the “mangling” A ry Py 1 ¢ yy y 4 , y ort S10 vo ly j 4 / , 7 : - : 7 , sireader wer yer the forte ; the City of Cromstadt — thes 1st0n Only Deng o> when nled that it may be necessary to apply to the back of by a plate of gooseberries at the back.) Here we are. The strawberries the forts: Cronstadt | the pupil, should the rod be found requisite. the gooseberries. Now a little vigour and deeision! ‘This spoon is the Duke of Wellington aad three-deeker, leading the van. We go in here, firing both broadsides at onee, to destroy th orts to larboard and starboard ; while at the same time our guns inthe bows and stern-sheet smash the other forts before and behind. Very good. We are then in front of Cronstadt EXPLOITS OF THB ALIJES. the City of Cronstadt. We sheil that, Sir; shell it of course! Blow up the powder- Ir is true, as the 7imes remarks, that six wazines ; capitulation ensues ; the Russian fleet is in a blaze, and, my dear Browy, that is | months have elapsed since the Allies have taken how / would take Cronstadt— Brown, —-After dmuer. FINE ART IN POETS’ CORNER. Westminster Abbey is often spoken of as a fine building, and ver roperly so, whether you consider the word fine as a substantive or a: tive. The Dean and Chapter who preside over that venerable possess the power of exacting a fine for the erection of any statue other monument within its walls, so that the Abbey may be described s a line-edifice, containing fine-statues. This power they are said to be t present exercising, by demanding the sum of 200 guineas for the per- ssion to erect the monument of Camrse.y in Poets’ Corner. I nument is stated to have been completed several years, amd to be imprisoned in the artist’s studio, or elsewhere, only because the fine is not paid. Lf, as is also alleged, the Dean and Caarrer of Wesrmiy- stek have already had a tine, and a heavy one, out of the Poet’s grave, they might consider whether the fine-feeling which they have evinced towards departed genius should not give place to a finer. | It seems to be the object of these fine fellows to make hay in fine weather, and certainly such weather may not be permitted to last. Tha BuckLAND and Mriman are fine names we all know, but how fine they ire was known to comparatively not many. A general dislike is felt for ‘clesiastical finery, but that is nothing to the odium which the | authorities of Westminster Abbey will incur by their style of “ coming fine.” Not to put too fine a point on it, we would recommend them to confine their exactions, lest the fine thing they make out of West- inster Abbey should be confined for them, within a small compass, | one of these fine mornings. ( ve i) Lights of the Church that want Snuffing out. TuouGn the Puseyites are mdebted for their tallow principally to Russia, still it is to be doubted whether Puseyism after all is worthy | to hold a candle even to old NicHo.as. the field. Phey have taken the field; and that is all they have taken. THE CONVICT OF LOVE. I now’r feel ashamed of this sad situation, Though much I dislike my hard labour and fare, For I know that I’m sympathised with by my nation, Whose dawzhters all weep for the lot I’ve to bear. With pistols and bludgeons I went out a wooing, To win a fair bride thirty-thousand above, And my passion for that same has been my undoing; No rest at the crank for the Convict of Love. My pistol I carried, the delicate question Of Wilt thou be mine ? to the charmer to pop, My skullcrackers hinted a tender suggestion, That I was a boy not at trifles to stop, tetainers I took, lest, my fond passiom spurning, The mate that I wanted should peck at her dove, And here, hubbaboo! at this handle I’m tarning ; No rest at the crank for the Convict of Love. Cases under the Bribery Bill. Is there anything in the Bribery Bill to prevent a candidate from givimg a voter five guineas for a pair of gloves ? Does any clause hinder the candidate from discounting the voter’s bill? The bill having been diseounted, is there any provision to hinder the discounter from lighting a cigar with it ? Does the Bribery Bill prevent the candidate from paying the voter a compliment ? Does it prevent the former from paying the latter any attention ? Does it prevent the eandidate from payimg his addresses to an elector’s daughter ?

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onions is one shilling, two and a site and A VEGETARIAN EATING HOUSE. breads and. cheeses four: and ioe onan & } | apeny each is two and fivepence apeny.” ny Te immense success: of | We settled this little on 3 a any the late Vegetarian | demurrer; and under the excitement of the Banquet at Leeds has | generous fare we had been partaking of, gave induced an enter-| the waiter half-a-crown, telling him to keep the —s Eating Hie 4 ae which amounted to a halfpenny for him- ‘ — entirely oo | without the assistance . : “tthe Butcher” Bat} MANY THINGS IN FEW WORDS. 4)\, not onlyistheButcher| A poor Bachelor never looks so pi Dt ; ; } r lo pitiable as -£ renounced, but also| when he is looking out his linen to send to the tie = all roads lead to the Police Court ex ween them Balance Burope is mostly left j 0 and hens, if not cocks 2 oe - pee Bors 80: Shopping is woman’s only consolation wlicn J , may | she has no money to spend. appl Drunkenness is a dead wall with a row of broken of duc - , : <a 8, bottles at the top. of the indifference of those birds to their eggs, a it is thought that to eat ducks’ eggs esentnnciemst travel always by an Express Cc. would be to take a shameful advantage of the ducks’ neglect of their eggs. Reeourse 18 | Prain, for it 90 repeatedly arrives too late | not even had to the Dairyman; to drink cows’ milk is to rob calves: and if the cow has oe, to = her .*- - age her, wanes o ae drain upon her —— —=== Milk quite sufficient for the composition of puddings pies is obtained from various ati plants, and the requirements of the tea and breakfast-table are completely met by the milk TIPPERARY ROASTING PIG. of the cocoa nut. : Tue little pigs of some town, blest with ex- In short, the Baker, the Greengrocer, and the Grocer in ordinary, parvey all the materials | traordinary siaapali, are desortbed i = irish which form the bill of fare provided at these novel Refreshment ms: the staple of the | anecdote as running about the streets roasted kitchen is derived entirely from the kitchen-garden. The beverages—for the establishment | and smoking hot, inviting the public at large to is teetotal as well as vegetarian—essentially consist of the uafermented juice of the pump. jcome and eat them. When Mr. Carpen was We have honoured this Vegetarian Eating House with a visit, and on inquiring what there | acquitted, the other day, on his second trial for was ready, were informed by the waiter that there was “some very nice grass just wp.” | attempted abduction, the ladies are said to have ; “Do you think,” we cried, “ that we are going to be such geese as to eat that?” “Nice| cheered him and waved their handkerchiefs. 77ans Ginn cl grime make copuniante sills, “Any bay?” call we |Exaage ie wee, bncenso of Gir persuasion 4 ; “ die : fe _ _ ‘ mmocence ; was owln oO a belie “No “ay, Sir,” answered the waiter, blandly. “No ’ay, Sir; but beautiful erase—| in his guilt, Se onesie maniiosted. by oes sparrowgrass. P ’ Ps , | ladies is a hint that may be worth taking if there Pa jeautnl the waiter. We ordered peas. “Two peas—thoroughly done!” | is among them a handsome heiress, or on heiress - — rs ‘ ; worth hing handsome. Case, also, “What will you take to drink, Sir?” he asked, returming to the table. |“ There ’s toast- there can he no doubt, that the town of aaienteny

and-water—there’s apple-water, jemonade, ginger-beer. |reasting-pigs is Clonmel, and that the ardent “ Any ale?” | Indies ia y | f r ; } “ Hapaw’s hale, Sir ; very old ; first liquor as ever was drunk.” | ——— “~ “ Bring us a of Apam’s ale apiece; we prefer it mid.” : = “ Yessir.” saying the waiter disappeared; and presently returned with our dinner ; |

for which, however, we found our two peas insufficient, so we demanded what else there was. | ' Grape Shot. ' “ Kidneys, Sir—fine kidneys. Marrow.” Some of Corowet Masencey’s friends have “Come,” we said. “This is better than we thought. Kidmeys and marrow. Bring a| been quizzing him about the presentation of a couple of marrow- “ | testimonial to him, on his retirement from the .” Vegetable marrow.” | Post Office. The Colonel takes the quixzing in “Two kidneys then.” | very good humour, and im allusion to the design of “Two kidneys, Sir, yessir.” the candelabrum, which represents a vine laden “ Let them be devilled.” , |with fruit, he says he cam well uaderstaad that he Le ee | Sir: don’t devil our kidmeys. Red-nosed kidmeys, or kidney beans, Sir?” | “the grapes are sour.” “* Red- kidneys!” we cried in astonishment. ae “Yessir. *Taturs, Sir.” Wanted L | “ Potatoes with red-noses!” we again exclaimed. “Im this abode of Temperance! Well; anted an Aide-de-Coloncl. — never mind : bring us some of your debauched potatoes.” | Tmene is a certain foreign officer who, being | “Ow will you ‘ave them, Sir? Plain?” | now, however, a naturalized mdividual, is eligible “Hey ?—no. A la maitre & hétel—that is with parsley and butter.” for admission into the British Serviee; and as “ Parsley, Sir, we ‘ave; but no butter. Butter a hanimal substanee, Sir; we weno hamimal soon as a vasmnay esas im the 46th Kegiment, substance. Ile, Sir.” | we it should be offered to him. “ One wants something else with potatoes,” we observed. | We allude to Mason BexsowsK1, whose system “You can ’ave,” replied the waiter, “minced turnip, or “ashed carrot, cabbage ‘art|of mmemonics, or method of improving short stuffed, seolloped hartichokes, curried brocoli, fricasseed cucumber, roast onion, stewed memories, would render him « valuable anxiliary | endive, truflie and mushroom pie, beet-steaks, pumpkin chops.” We chose a slice of roast to one of the members of that distinguished | onion; and when we had eaten it, the waiter inquired whether we would take pastry or| corps. i | cheese. “ How is it you have cheese,” we “and not butter?” “‘Damson cheese, = | Sir,” was his reply. We had some bread and damson cheese; and then asked what was to| Apvicz To Sapeatanians.—Keep your own i pay. “ Yessir, Two peas is eight; and kidneys is five—that’s thirteen—and two roast | Sunday, and don’t take away ours.

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VERY KIND. “Wet! Goon pre, Uncte! I’ve ENJOYED MYSEL? VERY MUCH IN THE COUNTRY; AND IF YOU WILL RUN UP TO LONDON aT ANY Time, 1’LL sHow IMAGINARY CONVERSATION. An Apartment at Osborne. Hern M Y is graciously pleased to be hearing Hen R—t H——s tue P—s L aC—rzrBA A read to her out of Punch. The Eart or A n and Loxp J—N R——1L are announced, and Hex M——y’s smile at the graceful satire in which Mr. Punch enwraps his profound wisdom, is utterly and entirely misconceived by the two Ministers into an expression of pleasure at their arri¢al. Iler M. Good morning, my lords. and that the Fairy did her duty. Lord A. Admirably, your M——y, and we have come to do ours, we hope as satisfactorily. In obedience to your M——y’s commands, we are in attendance to receive any intimation your M Y may wish to make as to the Speech from the Throne, at the approaching prorogation. Her M. Lovisa, my love, give me that paper. (The Princess smilingly hands Punch to her illustrious mamma.) No, dear, keep that. ‘The paper on the table. Lord J. R. Allow me, your Royal Highness. I hope you had a pleasant passage, (He fetches the paper in question, and observes, to his extreme discomfort, that it is the Times of Wednesday, February the \st, 1854.) Her M. My \ords, 1 have been reading the speech which you were so | rou A LittLe Lire!” The Princess (smiling). All your Speeches must be August Speeches, Mamma, mustn’t they ? F Her M. My \ove, | am sure you never found such a joke as that in your Punch. Pray show more respect for Prosody. Now, my Lords, (Her M——y reads) the first paragraph of the January Speech re- ferred to the war. I said that “the differences between Russia and the Porte had not been settled, and that a state of warfare had ensued.” What are we to add to this statement now ? Lord A. I beg to suggest that we add—nothing. The words | exactly express the present state of things, and the least said is the | soonest mended. Lord J. R. (indignantly). That won’t do. There is our Declaration | of War, and the departure of the fleets, and of the armies, and the French soldiers going away in English ships, and—and— Lord A. And—well—and what? The glorious capture of Cronstadt, the splendid storming of Sebastopol, and the brilliant victory on the Danube. Don’t let us forget those triumphs of English and French arms. | Lord J. R. It may be matter of satisfaction to a friend of the Czar that nothing has yet n achieved, and the person who has thrown every obstacle in the way of our vigorous action may fairly exult in his | success. good as to prepare for me at the opening of the present session, because | it appears to me that the address at its close should refer to the hopes | and promises with which we set out. Does not that seem reasonable ? Lord J, R. Without venturing to discuss the reasonableness of such a course, your M——y, I weal chgueve that it is not precisely exacted by the Constitution, and inasmuch as there are occasions when such references might be productive of unhappy cavil, we can be guided by the exigency of the moment. | Lord is not the slightest reason for avy hesitation on the subject. As the Houses will rise as soon as the speech is made, there can be no cavil. Her M. Be that as it may, suppose we go through the January | this Speech, and see what material we can find for the August one. ‘A. (contradicting his colleague, as usual with Ministers). There | opponents of the The Princess (appealingly). Mamma, don’t let them speak crossly to one another. It’s wicked, isn’t it, Mamma ? Lord J. R. We are not cross, your Royal Highness, at least I am not. Your M——y, I would submit that a reference to our having joined in the grand quarrel, and a hope that our arms will be triumphant, will fitly commence the Speech. 2 Lerd A. But without any unnecessary vituperation of the Emperor or Russia. Lord J. R. 1 do not often agree with Patwerston—in fact he is my colleague—but he was — ht in denouncing the “jargon” of you licy of aalend. ignity). Your Lordships will be good enough to make ph speak the plainest English. You understand. (7) nD J. R. with evident enjoyment). Now, the next paragr Her M. (with bow,

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the | ition the tadt, | the ench Czar own n his ly to Lam ‘ving hant, EROR is my | you make ro | LSS SS = SMOKE. Se SS Wows SSS Lnspector Punch. “YOU MUSTN’T MAKE SO MUCH SMOKE NEXT SESSION, MY LORD, OR YOU’LL GET Avecst 12, 1854.) INTO TROUBLE, I PROMISE YOU.” [Puscu, No. 683.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 57 said that the Estimates had been framed with a due regard to| Her M. We have done, my love. ouypese we go to lunch. economy. The war alters the circumstances, but, without reference [The distingua party move A eR M——y leading the way | to the war, have you any economical reforms or rewenchments to with the Parwe M. Princess and Lorv J. R— uu. | appeal to? : following arm- much stateliness, and the Field | Lord A. We have nothing to do with such matters in the Lords. Marshal bringing up the rear. Lord J. R. Except that we have done the Bisuor of New Zeatanp out of his salary—only a few hundreds—I fear we have to boast of, your Mazesty, but Grapstone promises wonders from the | new mode of national bookkeeping. A COURT-MARTIAL FOR MB. Her M. 1 do not see how the mode of stating an account can alter wy, : the account itself. We must pass over this. I mentioned that the’ On of all fair tribungls give me a Court-Martial ! year before we had not had a good harvest. This year, providentially, | _ That’s the Court T would goto, pure justice to seek. the harvest will be a rich one. So forbearing, considerate, and Lord J. R. \t will sadly offend the friends of the farmers to be told From the strong such protection aff the weak. that they have nothing to grumble at, but I think we should risk that. | Pulled up there—if I ever be to a bar shail— | Her M. 1 said that trade was prosperous. | Let me be ; not before Judge or | Lord J. R. The war impedes commercial enterprise by causing hesi- Sing, over the left, boys, and likes very, j tation and uncertainty, but things are not very bad—yet. If the war And “where are your witnesses, * ch, Mx. Panny ?

ee

were vigorously pushed towards a speedy termination, we should “In Turkey? we thought so; and be morry, —— feel the mischief. call aii . And in judgment we'll sit a N Lord A. 1 — against mixing matters which have nothing to « 0 "Fis of men of nice haneats with one another. altogether, Her M. I referred to University Reform. Men of honour that bears not a speek or a stui Lord A. (looking triumphantly at his colleague). Your M——x’s late Honour brilliant and bright as their boots” patent leather, Ministers have passed a very good bill on this subject. My neble friemd ee = stoop a no Sum and scorn all cheane, was beaten about twenty times during the debates, and the bill was! it of fact, pro and con, y weigh every feather, remodelled by the enemy. Would it be constitutional, Lorn J—w | To the | part of a grain. R——t, for Hen M——y’s Government to compliment Hux M——t’s Sing, over the left, Xe. Opposition ? , : Her M. I said that bills would be submitted to Parliament for trams- ee on frp oy ey om Secrnine, | ferring from the Eeelesiastical to the Civil Courts the cognizance of | T had sethoe that Colonels srenne eneuhd determine ’ testamentary and matrimonial causes. In other words, we promised | I meee’ mach the enat ef eee nr a : | Teform in the law of Wills, and of Divoree. ss : As for Serjeants at Law, this persuasion I’m firm in, Lord J. R. Excuse me, your M——y. We said that bills should be Tt wener better to have Sa t-Majors instead submitted. They were. We promised to do nothing more, and have Sing over the left Se ee . | kept our promise. Both bills have been withdrawn. sist ares Her M. We promised a reform in the Civil Service system. May I never be dragged into vile Nisi Prius / Lord J. R, \ fear we must ask your M——y to promise it again, and ‘Try my cause without cavil, or quibble, or quirk, next year we will see about it. , Let my judges have minds that are warped by no bias, Her M. We promised to reform the law of Pauper Settlement. And my questions not suffer a witness to shirk. Lord J. R. The country squires did not like our bill, so we with- Yes. let officers, yes, boys, let gentlemen try us, ho have hearts above dirty and underhand work. rew It. | Her M. 1 said that measures would be submitted for the amendment Sing, over the leit, &. of the laws relating to the representation of the Commons in Parliament. a Lord J. R. “ Infandum, Regina, jubes renovare dolorem.’ (Bursts For of every attempt to intimidate, bully, into tears, to the great grief of H. R. H. P—ss.) OF embarrass 4 pris’ner, incapable quite, Her M. My lord, you fulfilled your pledge. Let the disgrace lie with They will bid you speak boldly, and hear you out fully, those who hindered your doing more, and specially with Manchester, as free from impatience, and — and spite, which, rather than see reforms achieved otherwise than at its own dic- a omy fear or favour, and justly an = . ' tation, rejected them. The Free-Traders, false to their principle, ill that sentence pronounce which they feel to be right. desired a monopoly of the manufacture of law. As somebody said to Sing, over the left, &e. | Mr. Buckstons in an amusing burlesque | saw at the Haymarket— From the Sessions defend me, and from the Assizes, “ There's no complaint of you, my little man.” By my pecrs be it never my lot to be tried I don’t care for that right which each lishman rizes, Then T promised a Bill against Bribery. Of our free cunsiitedion 9 glory Po oy ' | Lord J. R. We have done something, but this bill also has been A’ Court Martial the rarest of courts in my eyes is ; remodelled by the Tories, and its best parts are cut out. No such other we’ve had since Jupexz Jurrzxies died. Her M. As to Edueation—could you not manage to do something ? Sing, over the left, &c. Lord J. R. We have tried, but bigotry beats us, the Church voting that a child cannot learn its letters aright except from a leaf torn out eens of the Book, and the Papists solemnly declaring that children had better be : half-saked, belf-sterved thieves, than learn off such a leaf Interesting Habits of Ministers. unless it have been printed at y. . . ‘ . P ; — M. om have you oe London? Have ar made , felony Pe he rer: , Wien Do Dap 8 4 bundle of asparagus, begins by to send out Emigrants in ships ill-found or not sea-worthy? Have you ; : ae : , = F | regulated Savings Banks—a reform which the industrious o ee ae oe Pape Ve poten, Sen anything, gavage beets pao have implored for years? Have you dealt with the Landlord and ‘ana wall unless he has. ¢ es hl e non *bis 7 if beforehand Tenant question in lreland? Have you considered whether Partridges that it is a perfectly “ “oe titutions| _— _— are quite worth their price in gaol-room and murder? Have you put — —_ down the medical quacks who advertise poison for the people ? | Lord J, R. Unfortunately, your M x, the war— IRISH BACOK Her M. What on earth had the war to do with these things? You . P <a sf atthe ; have been sitting from the end of January to the middle of August, and , [aetanD has long enjoyed a pecniiar celebrity for its hogs, but it what have you done? What am I to say that you have done’ What, 08 now & Philosopher who bids fair to rival the English | my Lory Anerpeex, in the Lords? ‘ Bacon. Carpen, of Barnane, has exhibited himself to the Lord A. Abolished dogearts, your M——yv. | world as the great practical exponent of the Abduetive ’hilosophy. a wees, uy Leap — —s in the Commons ? rd J. R. Smashed Sin Tuomas Witso~x, Your M——v. _ Her M. Good deeds, both, no doubt, and deeds that could not be| A Day of Settlement. done in less than seven months. Well, you must make me the best} Mr. Bureruess, being pressed exceedingly hard by his creditors to Speech you cam, and, for the future—what is that Latin, Loussa, that fix a date for the payment of his debts, has named “the day when the Papa quotes, when he means that he hopes for better things. Russians evacuate the Principalities.” ‘The date, he coniesses, is a The Princess (after consideration), Sperno meliora, isn’t it, Mamma ? \little uncertain, but, if agreed to, he is willing to promise ’ most H. R. H. the Pisce A——t, entering. Say spero next time, my dear. | solemnly that he will not think of asking for any furt extension Ah! my Lords. I did not know that you were here. | of time.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. |

THE CZAR’S NIGHT THOUGHTS. ’Tis midnight—all is deadly still— iy) And I this silence dwell within ; ij I, by whose solitary will The world is roaring with the dia ' Of myriads that each other kill, Because I am resolved to win!

Their howlings cannot reach me here, Though far as Heaven they might ascend, If Heaven indeed had any ear

1 A To hear, or, hearing, would attend. a, But Heaven if we begin to fear, ATTRACTION et Then everything is at an end! IN i

Ao UES TRAN | What groans, what agonising cries, — P Drone py | 4 What yells, what ravings of despair, 6///}-|___ al || In torment what a world of eyes alti Uplifted, plead against me there ; For my confusion thither flies How many a curse—how many a prayer!

I sometimes think there is a Power Above—and then again I doubt. ‘ Could I exist a single hour In outraged Europe’s face, without ? Would men before me crawl and cower ? Yes—there ’s a Heaven, and 1 ’m its Knout !

a Me J - re “ =_— ome =the? qt . a ME Maa, — > att ~~ SAN BM, O” Gate tA a any \ ware. “~~ s pe =. Qhansy J \ rt ¢ wt, § SS +8 % ; vw a SY RYN Winn ae ~ vee TT - waa We qn preaee & <L.6~— qqrmeere And am I, like my hangman’s thong, tory Commissioned human flesh to tear In chastisement for human wrorg, Until mankind no more can bear ; I Then, soaked in gore, endured too long, Cast by Eternal Justice—W nexe ? GORGEOUS SPECTACLE. == : Sarah Jane. “ On, Betsy, Comm ’ere, AND BRING HisaBeLLern! We CaN SEB THE 'OOFS Tue PLeasantest RINGING IN ONr’s Ears.— The Dinner-Bell.

ov THE ’Onrses!!”

'

— nia oo ieee tie aaa restoring this man to his home and his official duties. The British CRUEL TREATMENT OF A RESPECTABLE PERSON. beadle recognises in him a man and a brother. He may be a sheriff— | To Mr. Punch perhaps a high-sheriff. Finland may be advanced enough in civilisa- | | a Sm Cree t:on to comprehend how admirably these higher functions pe yee a. sie. Tnere is much said about the humanity displayed nowadays —— the much-misunderstood and sadly undervalued duties o in war. Enemies are treated with the most friendly consideration, and | « At all events, I claim your sympathy for my Finnish brother, thus | a armies pony to - es one — $ ~aee and rudely arrested, in the green coat and brass buttons of civil wdileship, the blowing out of one another's brains, with the most exquisite 414 { declare that I, for one, will be ready to hold out to him the right | politeness. , ’ , ' hand of fellowship on his arrival, as a prisoner, on these shores. “ Tow comes it, that’ in our catalogue of things deserving of con- Pp ’ P .

' sideration in war-time, we have not included ‘respectable persons ?’ “I remain, Mr. Punch, yours obediently, P | ‘ Respectable persons,’ as the name implies, are eminently persons to Jouy BuMBLe, | | be treated with respect. ‘This holds of all respectable persons; but “( Beadle and Pew-opener of St. Candlestick-cum-snuffers, how much more does it apply where respectable persons are also Vintry Ward without).” j officials ? I have read, with equal pain and surprise, in the Zimes of ae August lst, in a letter from Baro Sound, how— “*Capram SuLtivam, being on shore to day, has captured a very Resrecrasie The Greatest Event of the Present Session. , BB gs Sy 8 glassy inde. Ul eatest event that has tsken place during this : te - | Session occurred on Friday evening, July the 28th, when BenJamin ‘ In other accounts of the same incident I find this respected person | ])isnaeii actually passed a vote of censure upon himself! This censure variously described as ‘a policeman,’ ‘a general officer,’ ‘a beadle, ‘| was for having passed a censure upon the Government, which he ought dignitary of the church,’ and ‘a high-bailiff. j | properly to have taken to himself. The vote being put by the Right “Conceive the feelings of a British beadle, who having gone down to | Honourable Gentleman, was carried without a division. At the con- Ramsgate for the benetit of sea-air, should find his walk to Pegwell | clusion of his speech, the talented Ex-Minister was surrounded by his Bay suddenly cut short by the appearance of a boat’s crew of Russian | friends, and warmly congratulated upon the flattering unanimity of the

| privateersmen, and himself—I hat, official coat, staff and all—car-| House. : | ried off to St. Petersburg, and exhibited to the jeers of a brutal popu-| | lace, ever glad to insult dignity in distress—perhaps to the taunts A RELIGION THAT XO ONE OWNS ' of the Russian little boys—a class at all times difficult to impress with P ma a oa gi. awe. Nay, the stern and solitary policeman of Herne Bay, or the|, Taz worst thing that can be said t Puseyism is that you never | Y | gallant though stout artilleryman, who constitutes the garrison of | hy any accident hear any one openly avow that he is a Puseyite. | i} | Brighton, is not safe, from this moment, if reprisals should be attempted | Surely that must be a strange religion that even its followers, who | by the enemy. Kealty, to read the agraph, one would think | practise it most, are ashamed to confess they belong to it. ‘respectable persons’ were a kind of birds, to be bagged at pleasure— | ———— and green coats with brass buttons, a plumage to be described by the| §uspexypep AntaaTion.—The English for “ Parachute.”—Pwnch’s naturalist. This respectable individual probably imagined that bis | Dictionary =~ coat and ow satiens sagewes his person om Fushene he ; He was digesting a sober meal—perhaps protecting a peaceful population, | S .P ‘' wd ilosoph like the policeman of Herne Bay, or the Brighton artilleryman to whom Sansatanian Paiosorny.—The Phil y of Cave. I have referred. “Inthe name of the order to which I belong, I call upon the) Get Ur.—Stopping in bed too long is decidedly bad for the temper authorities at home to interfere and insist on Cartatx Sutiivan —even Port Wine gets crustier the longer it has ese lying down.

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1 ¢, 59 _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL HOW TO BEAT THE RUSSIANS. * Varna, Aug. 10. HE following spirited address to the British Army serving jn the East has been issue: from Head Quarters :— “ Soldiers !—In the con- flict which you are about to sustain with the forces of the greatest military power of Europe in point of num- bers, your Queen and country trust you will never desert your colours, by wearing any that are con- trary to regulation. “Whether in the face of the enemy, or encamped side by side with your allies, your officers will never un- button their shell jackets, and allow them to fly open showing underneath a re flannel shirt. The bosom of the British Officer, his jacket buttoned bravely over it up to the chin, -will never betray the shirt to friend or He will set his men the example of Wearing a white collar and a black stock. He will avoid all plaids that are not strictly regimental, and leave cheeks to be experienced by the Russians. He will never put ona turban over his forage cap under the hottest fire of the sun ; and having been ,co d to draw the sword, he will know how to wear it. ; “Tn facing the enemy you will show that face which has always been shown by the British soldier. That is, you will display as much of it as possible ; you will, with the regulated exceptions, remove all hair from your upper lips, and shave your chins. ** You wil pat on your uniforms with that care and attention which will enable you successfully to resist the heaviest odds and the most vigorous charge, as well as to prove more than a match for the most crafty stratagems of your antagonists. ; " You will pipeclay your belts and epaulettes with that —— yo which has always distinguished English troops in the field; and you will strap yourselves in the manner that becomes tight lads: so that while you strike terror into the hostile ranks, it —~ not at the same time happen that they cannot be otherwise than struck by your general disregard of what is proper. “* By Order, “X. Y.Z. Frrzpravuwmets., D. A. G.” 10e, An Al Fresco Dinner (at Cremorne). Indiguant Old Gentleman. Here, Waiter—W aiter—W aiter— Waiter. (running breathlessly). Yes, Sir. Indignant Old Gentleman. Take this cherry pie away directly. It’s impossible to eat it. It’s most shameful—why, it’s choke-full of sand. ‘aiter, Very sorry, Sir, but cannot help it. The fact is, Sir, it’s the ballast from the balloon, Sir, that’s just gone up. LEGAL DESTITUTION, _Suxce Taverns and Coffee-Houses in the City write up “No Fees given to the Waiters,” Mxssrs. Brrertess and Duyvr declare that, considering the little practice there is at the Bar, a somewhat similar | among thieves is an acknowl placard might, in better truth be hung up over all the Law Courts, viz.: “No Fexzs Given to Counset.” Tender Solicitude. (Being an Extract from a fashionable young Lady's farewell Agonising Letter.) “On! Cuarues dear, they tell me you are ordered off to the Theatre of War. I beg of you therefore, dear, as you love me, to bear in mind one thing—and that is, above all, not to forget to take your opera-glass with you, for | know myself how extremely inconvenient it is to go to the Theatre without one.” : A GRAND SUBJECT FOR A PICTURE. Cuapwick flinging himself, like a second Quretus Curtis, into one of his own sewers, for the benefit of hjs country.—N.B. picture might be drawn on the Board of Health. THE DOG-DAYS AT THE BLUECOAT SCHOOL. Tue late hot weather has been peculiarly trying to the dogs and the | Bluecoat Boys of the City of London, but though precautions against | hydrophobia were adopted, no measures were taken to prevent the boys | |from going mad. This remark is addressed to the Governors of Christ’s | Hospital, who will require no apology for mentioning the scholars of | | their institution along with dogs. Are not those scholars objects of | charity, and, as such, entitled to no more consideration than so many | whelps ? However, it cannot be denied that they deserve as much. Now, dogs have been emancipated from the servitude of the coster- | monger, and must no longer be employed in drawing trucks. Certainly it does not follow that Binccoat should be released from their tasks. No; but Greek and Latin are diaphoretic work at any time, as a city alderman might ascertain if he would try the declension of Musa, or endeavour to master 4,4, 7. If he attempted such exertion on a | moderately warm day, his worshi take off his gown. compelled to fag at Sautust, Viner ry, Cicero, Xenopnon, Tuvcrpives, Homer, Alscuyitus and Evrerrpes, in a frying atmo- sphere, and under a weight of woollen clothes? This is really treating the boy worse than a dog, and those who subject the former to such treatment in hot weather had better muzzle bim like the latter, for the recipient of charity under such conditions might naturally be expected to bite the hand that feeds it. “Is the costume of Epwarp tar Srxtu a fit dress for the school- boys of 1854?” demands “M.D.” in a letter to the 7imes on this subject ; and he correetly deseribes that costume as consisting of a | heavy blue woollen a yew petticoat of the same material, cap _ woollen, of the size of a pen-wiper, yellow worsted stockings, an shoes. above-named articles of apparel, there are none that are fit for the schoolboys of 1854, except perhaps the last in the list. Perhaps except these, for the case may be that it is no longer customary for the scholars of Christ’s Hospital to seramble for their shoes thrown together in a | heap after having been cleaned, and perhaps they have thus ceased to be misfitted with shoes and to get lamed in consequence. cket ; so that the head has no clothing at all. The uncovered head | betokens humility, which the Governors of the Hospital ma | expose a boy to a coup de soleil. | which may have suited the days of Epwanp tre Srxrn, is not adapted | to the days—at least the dog-days—of Victoria Tux First. The only argument that can be urged in behalf of it—and mark how canine asso- ciations cling about the theme—is derived from what is likewise said to constitute the beauty of a bull-dog, its ugliness. It makes the wearer | look extremely ridiculous, and it therefore keeps the children of the higher classes out of the school. The same object might, as M. D. | justly observes, be gained by the substitution of a costume equally absurd | but more comfortable. It might also be secured by the simple method | of the Governors faithfully discharging their trust. | But if Charity must have its Objects—that is to say its Frights— | the Aldermen and their colleagues might clothe the boys in colours as | preposterous as those of the Lorp Mayon’s coach, and yet in caps, jackets, and trowsers of ordinary make: such as a boy might play | about in. The material might be motley if they chose, but would not |something simply mean and eommon suffice? would not fustian and | corduroy answer every pu ? Some sort of charity-dress may be | considered requisite for charity-children : but the Bluecoat School dress is decidedly the dress of a much too “ melting Charity,” Our Account with Russia. | We don’t know what to say about paying debts to Russia. Honour maxim; bat the recognition of social —— towards them ey upon circumstances, The | property of a convicted felon is forfeit to the Crown. Government | would not pay dividends to Jack Suxrranp under sentence: and why, it may be asked, should we stand upon more ceremony with ‘he Burglar and Outlaw of Europe? All we can say is that we owe Nicuwonss a | hiding, and ought to try our utmost to pay him that. DUSTING THE WRONG JACKET. Tene is a great fuss about the costume of the army. We only | wish our commanders would attend a trifle less to the dressing of the | English, and trouble themselves a little more about giving the Russians a good dressing. Ovr Cyrsicat Contrrevtor seyps us tuIs:—There is a Blue trust the keys to any one, not even to his own wife.—{ Rubbish, Ep.) } would certainly find it necessary to | it therefore be i that a poor lad should be | In answer to M. D.’s inquiry, it may be said that of all the | The cap, indeed, of the Bluecoat Boy can be worn, but only in the | think | desirable, but they cannot be of opinion that it is also a good thing to | | Surely the climate of the country must have changed; for a dress The | Beard’s Chamber in every man’s heart, of which he does not like to |

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THE LONDON CHARIVARL NEW CRICKETING DRESSES, TO PROT FRENCH he literal Translation ?y t of the 3me Légere, rs, ) oh thal, to MarTIN » Vincennes, ( ump at Devna., ™ Dear, “I write thee to give thee an idea of the life we lead on board the ships of war of the Insularies. {n the first place put on one side all thou hast read or seen in the journals, thy /ewélletons, the Dramas of the Boulevard, of the John Bull—that fantastic animal, as she has been created by Mény, D’Ennery, Cozcnarp Brothers, and all those gentlemen—and instead of a being, morose, taciturn, continually selling his wife by auction, always suffering from the ‘spleen,’ ex- mae I enormous sums in ineredible bets, nourishing himself on a bleeding roast-beef, watered with a flaming punch, always clothed in the riding-coat, and the top-boots—loving the box, the race, the sport and turf, and dete sting the ‘ French dogue’ (sic)—figure to thyself an individual gay, amiable, careless, free of word (/ibre de parole), dre ssed in the blue jacket and loose pantaloons of the mariner, willingly making himself to our habits, though flcying alive our language (écor- | chant notre langue) in a manner the most diverting, not eating but of the boiled-beef, and contenting himself for all beverage with a modest | grog of rum. “In fine, reverse the picture, which has been held up to you amongst us (chez mous), and you will see something like the Joun But, as our transport on board the vessels of war has made us know him. But above all, figure to yourself, that this Jonny But is also an accomplished cook. see you make the large eyes. It is true, my | word of honour. Thanks to Heaven we have learnt from him, alread; i | to appreciate the famous plum-pudding! It has been received with a lively adhesion, and, in the end, adopted almost to unanimity by our brave soldiers ! “ The first day of our traverse, on which that frightful sickness of the sea rendered it possible for us to take nourishment, they have dis- tributed to us (om mous a fatt partage) rations. It he = each an enormous piece of boiled beef, accompanied by dry peas, with a portion of a solid and excellent biseuit. We have at once (‘oud le suite) under- TROOPS IN of a on hor BRITISH BOTTOMS. Letler from GRrIGOoUX, urd Her Barrannic Masesty TovuLourou, Corporal of the Chassen ANATOLE 4 urs GLAND AGAINST THE PRESENT SWIFT BOWLING: were s each after his own fashion. stood we to arrange tl s yuile my} wcceeded. something suet, raisins of Corinth, in fine, what do I know? MHere we are, entirely off the scent (nous tout a fait dépisté), regarding each other in the eyes, interrogating each othe +r—ashamed, as Frenc h soldiers, of an ignorance which it was impossible for us to conceal from the eyes of our insular hosts. At length repeated expressions, from our rew friends, of ‘the plum- pudding! the se pudding!’ have revealed to us that we held to us in the hands this m ysterious comestible, so dear to the inhabitant_of Albion, alike by sea ‘and by land. Enough ! we had received the ele- ments—but how to combine them? At this crisis has revealed itself the generous instinct of those we have always hitherto considered our irreconcilable enemies! Mingled with our ranks might be seen the insular mariner of Albion, engaged, with a touching simplicity, in the task of instructing the brave soldiers of France in ‘the mystery of the p »lum- udding. ‘This moment has appeared to me sublime! I wished myself a Vervet, or a Scuerrer, to fix with the brush this symbol, at the first sight so trivial, but at the bottom so profound, of the fraternization of the peoples ! We have since frequently made trial of the plum-pudding. Some essays have even very well*succeeded. The great art consists to make it at once compact and light. It must be avowed that the greater part of ours have issued from the pot heavy, of a desperate solidity ( solidite désesperante), almost asthe bullets of cannon. Slight indigestions have followed, but hitherto without serious results. The morsels of suet have a taste of grease, at first displeasing, and remain long to you in the teeth ; but we shall reconcile ourselves to this as to other novelties. ‘ For me, who am of a reflective viel, the event has appeared of a range difficult to calculate dune portée difficile 4 calculer), May these bullets, so succulent, be the only ones that shall henosforth be exchanged between the two great peoples of the future ! * All to thee, Thy Anatous.” r nla BearRinc THE Market.—W _ come stands up for dealing in Russian securities, it’s clear he cares more for interest than principle. Tue Best Scnstitute ror Racs.—Bank-notes. oe } f | | But to this | terious—a portion of flour, morsels of | Printed by Williem Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Webdarn Place, im the Parish of St. Pancras, and Prederick Mullett Rve) oe 27, Victoria Street, in the Parish of St. Margaret and St. John, W e -1minster, both in the € Ounty of Middlesex, Printe s. at their Ogice im Lombard Street, in the |’recinct of Whiteiriars im the City City ef Leadoa —Satuapst, Augat (2, 164. { London, amd Published by them at ) 0. #, Picet Street, in the Parish of St. St. Bride, im the

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| houses sh not be must have the father from meeting his physical progeny with | self with a Subscriber, writes to say that he perpetually sees the a poe ), may have been introduced as the first man who made Sllowtag Adbetioment or a of and who may have realised the commercial idea THE MOOR AND THE LOCH. of “a drug in the .” While Homes has arrived on his Pegasus, | brated Serew, and his name is

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

| i | |

GENERAL SIR GEORGE BROWN DETERMINES TO INSPECT SEBASTOPOL.

PUNCH’S HANDBOOKS TO THE CRYSTAL PALACE. THE GREEK COURT. : inati int in the ge d chisel of Puipias. Tuovucn Mr. Owen. Jonzs has thought it necessary to offer an cuminniing yous | 2 ee aes eet oS nibs Apology (price sixyence) for colouring the Greek Court, we shall offer died in the middle of a game, for he did n no apology whatever for painting the Greek Court in our own peculiar colours. Without pausing to consider whether Minerva should be vigour of the six-pound brush with the delicacy of the finest pencil, | made of the silkiest hair of the sleekest and best groomed camel. | Greece, as anybody knows, is next door to Egypt, and within, we were | going to say, a stone’s throw, but we feel that those who enter glass | ing stones as a mode of measurement. | The Greek Court is approached by a facade, having three Grecian doorways of the Grecian Dorie Order. ‘lhe visitor is, or may be, arreste will recognise t characters as constituting a Heropotus. The unlearned will at onee enter the Court without | going through the passage, which, if it is unfortunately above their | ments which would afford sufficient comprehension, is luckily so much above their heads that they can pass immediately tt it. ‘There is over each of the three entrances an inscription of the merest common-place, and t very common place to have an inscription over it. =. nomi? ae eqpenive > Seieation of A facade, we find apy ie be very ourselves m Jourt, which represents an @ their present unifo presen cooks maids . or ‘narket-pace The ee « —— are ase of poets, philosophers, railings —_ “— and house oF a | and artists, considering is a market, the most appropriate ‘ | names would have been of bui " | mongers. The list begms with Homer, who may per those tehers, greengrocers, and fish- I be admitted into a market by virtue of the accuracy of his measures. HirrockaTEs, the father of physic (a most yng pe by the way, which ARCHIMEDES may be said to have come down to posterity on his cele: | where he might have had a st celebrated burning-glasses which were the result of his own deep re i10n. The Paintings on the wall of the Greek Court would seem to be hardly suited to a market, though the subject of the Judgment of Paris

oa | is perhaps admissible, where the sent scenes in the life of Minerva, of statue of Minerva, which was so lofty th i trave the te t yen to find hi treated to a pair of blue stockings, or whether the hair of Venus should oe tho tides » ip tpg P ion toe, or even to find his way | be dyed, we shall dash away in black and white, combining all the ‘Temple, at the principal entrance by what to the inexperienced eye mn me Guatiienn ak oft | emo proteetide t Geir loins, altmnadin ond would appear to be some rather strange characters ; but the learned ten a0 well as adding grace end cuantinees to Gitte appectence, uelther of whieh yassage from the present coat does?’ \and hips, but there is a serious o manner lated to ad : Px so Most householders will be of opinion that the personal are so far appropriate to a doorway, which is 4 jhe Bolies is quite no means ill-suited to a market-place, from Snaxsrene, illustrating the scene in which O¢hello requests not only for his serew but for those | Hméilia to “turn the key and keep his counsel.” and the Fall of Troy may be owed to pass, under the somewhat to the playing of Onruevs, who must be playing dreadfully out of tune to account for the horror depicted in the countenances of the Petgners. The subject of the fourth painting is Phidias exhibiting his Model of Mi i words as —— of his own produstions. It has been thought a happy to place this pieture at the supposed entrance of the workshop of Puypias, as if the ancient sculptor had hoisted a sign, which should be equivalent to a ery of “ Walk up” addressed to the << in the market EE e now enter the Atrium, which contains a model of est End of the Parthenon. The building of the P is to cost one thousand talents, though its hi i so th ‘single talent of the architect. The emple was built in honour of Minerva, who was supposed to live cella, her statue | was deposi The whole of the ornaments of building are supposed to repre- f mansion, who, with all her ancient wisdom, not to have risen above the modern folly of filling her own abode with pictures of he: aud of her own _ exploits, Parth j ‘ne neta berged Prom yy ce Bo Beas ye doh . 4 0)

— all a es Parthenon on the "et the Acropolis, an Rn. Worpswortu % t Trafalgar Savare, simoet wallntod sat ef wen ‘tm been ra Ww an ‘employed in rendering the site in dommekaiie’ its -- treme unsightliness. The fribwe a portion of the building, and an attempt has been made to give warmth to tite frieze by painting it. g has been the subject of , it being al one side that the frieze cannot n order to be correct ; and it being contended on the other side, that those who would paint the frieze have a colourable excuse for coming to that conclusion. The result is that the advocates of the paint-pot have prevailed ‘though many artists allege that the colour should not have been applied | till the subject had been thorough y canvassed, It would be a tedious task to trace the progress of sculpture from the primitive. efforts of the wood-cutter, who hacked the human form into a shape resembling the doll of our own days, until the skill of the sculptor en the This great y played with the marbles that came into his hand, and he % live to complete his colossal it must have taken half the artist literal] to be making for the APPEARANCE OF THE POLICE. PL sia in reference to the Police, asks a Correspondent of the Me3 -— “ Wonld it not be advisable to give them a short frock in lien of the absurd swallow- has neither appearance nor comfort, and by that means afford men who are It is no doubt very desirable that the Police should be clad in gar- yertaghion to their loins, stomachs, jection to dressing them in any d grace and manliness to their appearance. appearance of ga and manly enough as it is; and that it the reverse of an advantage to families to make whatever to those attractions which Policemen, attired in

NOTE AND QUERY. A Comnesronpewt, who would much oblige us by contenting him- He wishes to know whether this is an announcement of an engraving ; Wien can a steamer tap a bottle of wine ?—When she’s a Conk 61 | — | Iden pippin may be offered for sale, | pe idea that Troy vag might be in view by the heaviness | lof the catastrophe. A third painting odd the Jufernal Regions, ‘in which the tormented are seen listeni Minerva, or in other |

VOb, XXVII. un ‘

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atte 62 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE OFFICER’S OWN BOOK. POUT mane if! e = - HE following extracts from this little book of Military sports and pastimes may amuse some of our junior readers. 1. Drawine THE Bapcer. — In i game the Badger is a Lieutenant, who gets into bed and to sleep. The errier is played by another Lieutenant, who catches him by the legs and pulls oe. The - of the game may heightened by using a string to draw the Badger; attaching the string, by means of a noose at one end of it, to the sleeper’s toe. 2. Sinc a Sone or Srxrence,—This is a very simple game. It consists in merely taking a young officer out of is bed, and carrying him down stairs in his nightgown, when he is placed upon a table, and in that situation com- pelled to sing a song. This pastime is otherwise called The Forty-Sixth Undress. 3. Borsterinc.—This game is performed by young officers, who provide themselves e with Bolsters, and break into the bed-room of a brot r-oflicer. It does not differ from the sport of the same name practised among the school-boys. BAD THOUGHTS. (Written at Baden Baden.) From the little gratitude shown now-a-da yon woul IanGuae aD cue eves GS ghost ness. Little by little, as we travel through life, do our ee poems, and become more trouble- some— women’s luggage on a journey. A wa at school would to have two birth- days every year. When she grows up a woman, she objects to —-> even one. The P ore beggars are relieved for the sake of getting rid of them than from any feeling of | charity. } It is a curious system of drainage to close up all the Sewers, and to leave the Thames open into which they all flow ! They say “ Friendship is but a name ;” at all ane i. is not one you often see on the back a bill. It is strange how often it occurs, whenever a pues Seetee >, 2 Sea Se & 2 | Sill “like a kite to ly well, depends greatly | ndal, like a ki y we greatly — on the length of the tale it has to carry. | Curious Curyzse Derrnttion.—The Chinese call a pricking conscience “a hedgehog with all the points turned inwards.” THE PRESENT AND THE FUTURE—OR, THE REPORTER’S DREAM! Lw the gallery, stuffy, steamy, 1 was sitting dazed and dreamy, Feeling lite an utter bore ; While, with endless iteration, Newpecate informed the nation, floundering, maundering evermore ! Such that weight of leaden spouting, Not impatient members shouting, Nor the loud division bell, Nor Apstey Peatt’s arms unaisy, Working wild in circles mazy, Like a semaphore gone crazy, Could my lethargy dispel ! Faint and fainter came the tittering, And the rustling and the twittering Of caged lady-birds behind ; Faint the Speaker’s “ Order! order!” As, too om a Member snored, or Cried “ Hear !’’—not to hear inclined. All things swam and danced around me, Till the chains of slumber bound me, And in Dream-land I was blest— (Far from Parliament’ry pothering, And the gallery gaslight’s smothering)— Where sub-editors lave bothering, And reporthers are at rest. And I pondthered, and I pondthered, As through Dream-land on I wandthered— Wandthered without pause or check ; Till, looking up, of walking weary, I found me in a desert dreary, Strewn with rubbish and with wreck. we espy a means by which she might not p | | | | Large professions, dropt when spoken, Pledges unredeem’d or broken, Good intentions out of gear ; —_—a_e projects, shrunk and shat- ter’d, Embryo law-schemes, torn and tatter’d, Notions into form scarce batter’d,— The abortions of the year ! Bae ~ im, its bulk uprearing, Taller for that waste ap Rose a parchment wal quainte : As in Egypt’s ruins solemn, You may see a perfect column, Pierce the chaos at its feet. And I had a clear impression What I looked on was Tus Session, Scant of bearing, flush of bloom : Wherein, scorning opposition, Such a force of coalition ‘ (Or as some would read “ collision”) Rose in fire and set in fume. Then I cried, “ Is this the harvest, Wherewith, cruel Time, thou starvest ; Folks who waited to be fed ? With such wealth of seed for sowing, And such wondrous hands for mowing, Is this all our six-months’ bread ? ” Said a voice, “You would be talk- ing— While grim-visaged; War was stalking Queen Christina, not a Small Difficulty. Tuer is a difficulty in the way of disposing of this lady. We think ) Consideri availably bestowed. Why ace a yacht at her service, and send her against Sebastopol ? | hot, or how heavy ? O’er the green blades as they grew. And as, more than silent labour, Each loved arguing with his neighbour, For the sickle, came the ‘ To snip and slash—to hack and hew. “ Tf you’d gather consolation ~ this scene of wy ohana ‘o yonder valley your eye.” I lected and lo—the ploasant pisces ood Full of savour to the sight ! And I knew I saw wext Session— Land of promise and profession ; Forth I to take possession— “Eager for its rich delight. | Fast as on my wishes bore me, | Faster fled the scene before me ; Dim it grew and faint-and thin : Till its fraits in air fusing, Colour first, then substance losing ; Still my way I stroveto win. O’er the stones my shin-bones barking, With my blood my passage marking ; 1 ee eee Ha! “Tis done—I near the } When lo a cry of “Order! Order!” I'd dropped my note-book, and—oh murde: '!— | Hit Misraea Sraxse on the wig! | what she has already done in the of pillage, can thers | be any dou t that she would fail ; taking cantina: ; no matter how

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=... RALAN = SERVANT AND BAGGAGE OF THE BRITISH OFFICER IN THE EAST. [From an authentic Sketch in the possession of Mr, Punch, REAL STEAM ENGINEERS. We have good reason for announcing that a very great extension of the powers of steam will shortly be made on the North-Western | * Railway. Ina addressed to the public through the medium of the Times, “ Aw Encineman” makes the statement following :— Pe TO RIPEN it can be proved that men are fast on their engines while on the road. and in charge of a train consisting of As proof of the foregoinz statement, I have only Friday, the 28th ot July last, at seven half-past two in the morning ; he was then of filty-four miles. He was then sent to London and back, a distance of 163 miles, thereby commencing duty at 7 pw. on Friday, and finishing at 1 a.m. on Sunday, —S the total number of hours on duty thi ; out of which he had not time to obtain the least refreshment, upon his engine.” The oT of four individuals, who give their names, are oppensc the ahove ment, on "which therefore reliance may ard ann If enginemen are overworked on the North- Vestern Railway to the extent described by the writer, of course ny must go to supposing their frames to be constituted of ordinary flesh and Ue dnost unnecronry to remark th «ap of forty winks on the part of an engineman might involve the w ket the panne San interminable . at if dividends ooneae, oe economy necessitates the 5 yn tof one man to fod the wor of six, the only thing to be done or public safety is to man with a frame that will stand the fat e must, - aoe, an iron constitution ; Sy ty Directors of the N Western will consult’ both their duty and their corners themselves with who may truly be descri pom ey el the future will be men made of Iron thele Haste their jolie, their teaine a pte nee benins for the performance of their duties, being all composed of that metal. — they will have no need for, or these might be formed of the go that those of the Directors who wil employ thew are. Ther po spon of whesls S08 OO, of hinges screws ; particularly men . who will be their masters. Their {ae be Te | mechanism, constructed to direct other engines: and that this is impossible who os =r that an — has been made to play chess? In the idea of Steam- men—a notion which oy x... i _ carried out. The North-Western Company will find in them the they will require somewhat : but will want only | hech placed within their reach, perhaps y of their contriver to he sip them- sto They will never turn out for any , except in case of a reduction of the allow- ite to keep them going, and even then , nor By wy or mble, but only run a whey ye that they should ever get tipsy; as, smoke, they will drink nothing but water; or that carelessness or negligence ; and if the sy should foresight, a verdict of manslanghte r will be ployers. L FE. F Ht 2 e. gE = el i i d fre ese = & 2 F i He 4 Call a Spade a Spade. Wiru a warmth of indignation which is exactly suitable to this hot eather, the Times ame attention to t By Fabs -_ rigate having eluded t squadron © topol, an 4 | carried off some prizes {> almost underneath the British Admiral’s orth | certainly s prejudice if by their right a avour y their right names ; and if ope apg this should oceur again, we shall be strongly tcmmted awe speak of Apmrnat Duwpas in future, to call him not iral of the Fleet, but of the Slow. A SENTIMENT FOR LORD PALMERSTON. Mar all who invest in Russian stocks be clapped into British dittos ! Tue Greatest Triat or Patizwce.—A Stammering Barrister examining a Stuttering Witness in the presence of a Deaf Judge. in the habit of employing personalities, but we have servants it wants, servants who will need no | wi be _be animated a by steam ; they will, in fact, be engines | | ' ye

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A RATIONAL CONCLUSION, F an for the insane actions of the present Government, and to confirm our own too just suspicions of the lathentable cause, the defici is now supplied by the following public announcement in the Zimes of the 2nd instant : “Dn. Forses Wiestow had an interview with Lorno Apeapass yesterday.” Comment be At —wy- intelli- gence convey: this short would be superfluous, and we cata congratulate our readers that the te- cessary step, however late, has at last been taken. It is at least some conso- lation to know that, if the indisposition of the Premier is not to felieve us en- tirely from his counsels, he is being attended by so eminent 4 man ag Da. Winstow ; and most sincerely do we wish him success in restori we Se | the inet, but we fear it is a case, having been so long neglected. TRICKS OF THE ELECTRICS. Iw a capital article on the Electric Telegraph, the Quarterly Review expresses a decided opinion, in which Mr. Punch as decidedly concurs, that the instrument has yet to come into general use, and that the existing system is a non-conductor to the wires. 3 As far as Mr. Punch can see, the chief object of the officials entrusted with the telegraphs is to discourage the transmission of messages. The plan is to make as much fuss as possible, and to insist upon the obser- vance of details with the same pedantic precision as if a request to your wife at Brighton to secure a bed-for Smrru, who is coming down with you, was to be registered amid the archives of the nation. Then the niggardly, petty-tradesman-like way in which an extra word is made the excuse for an extra demand of money, gives a meanness to the whole affair. Add, that the- prices are 4a far too high, and that, generally speaking, the manners of the electric shopmen impress you with their conviction that they are really doing you a great favour in selling you a pint of electric fluid, though really the barman who | pulls at Aes ivory handle and draws you Ais fluid (when you refresh | meaning of the ironical compliment. | Ma. Jones for never comin | their fury, asks when they wi | in Kent, with Mrs. B. | know. yourself between the acts of Norma) is just as much entitled to give iimself airs of importance. Mr. Brown meets Mr. Jones, salutes him by the title of old fellow, and also characterises him as a pretty fellow. Jones demands the Brown, with Anglo-Saxon frank- ness, explains that both he and Mrs. Brown are perfectly savage with near them. Jones, desirous to abate be at home and give a fellow a knife and Brown says there is no time like the present—he is at Dartford, If Jones will go down with him by the 5°30 train, they will give him dinner, a cigar, and a bed, and they can come up together in the morning. Jongs assents, and goes off in a Hansom to pack his carpet bag, Brown remarking that he will let the missis For Mrs. Browns, though the kindest, smilingest little thing fork. | in the world, has a matronly ming Soe knowing when an addition is to ve | be made to her dinner-table, and ) | Punch would not give twopence for any wife who has not, or for any husband who does not—if he | can—gratify that liking. Plungeth Mr. Brown through the swinging gin-palace doors of the | electric fluid shop, and going up to one of the pawnbrokerly boxes, tears | down a form, and writes :— | Lovine Topptums,—Otp Cnariey Jones 1s comING DOWN WITH ME TO DINE AND SLEEP. TIONATE DoppDLEeKINs, _ “There,” says Mx, Brown, “send that to Dartford. How much?” Che shopman takes the paper without a word, and reads it over. Mr. Satmoy, 1F you can. Icze.—Your arrgc- | Brown suddenly recollects that the familiar epithets of his note were | | not exactly — to be reviewed by an uninterested clerk, and he feels rather absurd. “Put in your name and address, and the name and address of the person to whom the message is to be sent.” Mr. Brown obeys the command, and writes “Josern Brows, 13, Lauristina Villas, Clapton.” “That won't do,” dictates the other. “ Put figures in words. Can’t you read the directions ?” essed nonsense !” mutters Mr. Brown; but he writes “thir-| En thing were wanting to account | |teen,” and his wife’s address at Dartford. The young gentleman | behind the counter begins to count the words. * Seven shillings.” “ Seven shillings!” echoes Mr. Browy, remembering that this sum would pay for the salmon and the ice, and leave something in “ How do you make that out? I thought you charged half-a-crown a message ; and that is eighteenpence too much.” “ Half'a-crown for twenty words,” explains the clerk. “Oh !—Ab!—Well, give us hold. hy, I have only made twenty- two. Let’s knock out ‘old’—he isn’t old, for that matter. And we'll peock out ‘if you can;’ she won’t get it if she can’t, that’s certain. now, there are eighteen words.” “ Bighteen!” echoes the clerk. “There are thirty-two.” * What, do you charge for the address ?” “Can’t go without an address, can it ?” “Well, no; but it’s ope shabby. Bat look here—you don’t want my address—my wife’s is all that’s needful.” ” is that you give both.” t the addresses make thirteen words out of the ty.” They make fifteen.” And he counts the words to Mr. ows. y, you are counting the printed w: *To’ From.’ They don’t go into the message; they are only di yourselves, in- serted for your own convenience.” i are our rules, Sir. You need not send the message unless you like.” “T am aware of that, yo man,” who has an ere distaste for i *- bullied at yt But I do like, I shall cut it down to twenty words.” * Cut away,” says the clerk, walking off. “Five words. Well, I am bless’d!” says Brows, but we’ll do it. Out with loving Toppiums, she knows w she’s loving. Out with old, as L said. Out with Cuar.ey, she knows which Jones I’d bring down. Out with the coming to sleep, she knows I shouldn’t let him go away. She’d think of fish, out with the salmon, but women never think of ice. Stop, I have it. Out with her affectionate Dopp.eKins, she knows that. Here you are, young gentleman, and there’s your half-crown. * Jones To Dryyer. Satmon, Ice.” “ Fifteen the address, that makes twenty. Four and Sixpence.” “ What—after all the cuttings? What the deuce do you mean?” says Brown, waxing wrath, “ Porterage, a shilling.” “Why, it’s only five minutes walk from the railway. And you ought to deliver the message you undertake to deliver.” | “That is the charge.” “ And what’s the other shilling ? ” “ Why, you see, our line does not run into that one exactly, so the | other line make a charge at the break.” “ By Jove,” says Mx. Brown, furiousl, cramping his manuscript, see eee rrr ecietem, forme Saf ete Mn ames ot potluck.” e strides thro e gin in @ rage. It must be satisfactory to a benevolent mind to be informed that dear little Mrs. Brown was not at all put out, but having been watching with a telescope for the stoppage of the train at Dartford, made out Mr. Jonzs, and long before he and Brown came up, she had secured the last piece of salmon which Gritse the had got, and also sixpennyworth of ice, and was ready with her smiles as they turned the corner. But no thanks to the Electric Telegraph. THE JOSEPH HUME PORTRAIT. Mas. Hume has been presented with the portrait of her husband, the patriotic, unflinching Joszru. He has already been forty-three years in parliament, a sentinel over the public purse. May he stand century so! The portrait is a capital likeness, subseribed to b — —_ car hepa pe ee | Mane to DisRaett, politically prodi ison, t a eapital speech, on presenting the portrait, and bra ey RS Ss wife a py thought with 1 many men as Castiereacn said, “turned their backs upon themselves,” that to many men have been so them the fittest testimonial would pocket-mirror. The New Minister of War. Tats intment was decidedly necessary, as there has been nothing of the ki itherto in the present Ministry. We suppose the Duxe or Newcastte was appointed Minister of War in ex contra- diction to Lonp Aperpeey, who is too upon as gland’s Mrvisrzr or Pzace.

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WA Bay,

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—— | } SELLING OUT. | A Question. “MY GOOD FELLOW, I THINK I SHALL SELL OUT. WILL YOU BUY MY COMMISSION ? HAVE If A BARGAIN.” An Answer, “WHY, THANK’EE, OBLIGED FOR THE OFFER; BUT THE FACT IS, ALL MY LIFE I’VE 1 BEEN ’CUSTOMED TO THE SOCIETY OF GEN’L’MEN.” CPESl ‘GI tsn0ay #89 “ON ‘“noNaDg) iis Avevusr 19, 1854.) [Puscu, No. 684.

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THE SHOOTING SEASON. But (@ Sagacious old Dog), “NOW THEN, GENTLEMEN,’ COME ON—DON’T KEEP ME POINTING ALL DAY!” Avevust 19, 1854.)

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a pester tatty, oat TORT INE tos

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 69 BREAKING UP. A VOICE FROM STOKE POGIS. , Stoxe Pocis has . ‘or Mn. Srxackrn me should as soon Break up the House, No more of your mag ; Ava to the grouse, ith a gun and a bag. No more and plod On wearisome theme ; ay line and your rod, be off to the stream. Fling blue books aside, And throw up all reports, Mount your horses and ride ; You’re dismissed to your sports. Go out in your yachts Having cut your debates ; Visit famed foreign spots, Or your country estates, tals : seems to have been devoted to the good things of this oo Lag or walk i than to any jon for the next, and the Reverend You the breath may repair Master appears to have used it for stowing away together his beer, his Which you’ve wasted in talk. beans, and his governess before the Inspector must Master, who was houtid by le mpg dg wong a pair of shoes and 6s. 8d. once a year to the visitors; but “those gentlemen then present,” says the “port, “ declared that they had never received either during their term |o office, so that the charity was in large arrears to them on that head.” | We recommend the Reverend Master to contract immediately with some cheap shoe shop for a large supply of highlows, to enable Lim at once to put this of the awkward affair on a somewhat better | footing. From arduous duti he had to perform, which con- | sisted of reading prayers in his own dining-room, the Master was glad to escape for six weeks in each year, “during which,” said the Commis- | sioner, “the Master let the house for four guineas a week, and did not b pe a locum tenens.” We have heard a great deal of the abuse of charities, but it was reserved for Stoke Pogis to supply an instance of a Reverend Master having converted a public hospital into a | private ing-house. The number of inmates had been reduced from six to four, whose magnificent “maintenance” consisted of “seven half-quarterns of bread and one and a half of flour every fourteen days for the whole.” The vegetables they had the game privilege of cultivating in the at t garden “at their own ex they were allowed a shilling a week each for meat, which at the resent yin would give them about Z\ » i 7 iy i _ | nine ounces on Sunday, none on Monday and Tuesday, nine ounces on 7 Wu Wednesday, and none on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. creatures were in and examined, when, as might have been ex- pa from the possession of spirits broken by semi-starvation, “ they no cause of complaint, except the deficiency of meat ”—or in other words they had no fault to find with their maintenance except that they that the “visit” which has been paid to Lozp | Hastines’s Bowie at Stoke Pogis will not prove a mere formal visit, - —_________—. | but that there be no ceremony whatever in causing the restitution | of the funds of the institution to their legitimate objects. | THE PERPETUAL YOUTH OF THE WOMEN OF ENGLAND. | ne — Ir appears from the Census, that the people of Great Britain are the | “Get thee to a Nunnery,” &c. &c. youngest people in the world. We are not surprised at this result,and| Tyg Queen of Spain wishes that “a thick veil be thrown over the indeed we ealy wonder that there is any woman in England above the qj : of the present ” We think it would be all the age of thirty, which we are convinced would have been impossible, had | better for Spain, and that erugaie” the quickest way of putting an the ladies been left to make their own returns. We have had astriking end to its dissensions, if the n Mother were to take the veil, though roof of the numerical h of the Young England party, to which | : : ft seems that nearly the who of the thir vex belongs. ‘There is cash alee aco ay mm Peas found in the world that would consent tendency to youth in our female population that we find them rangin ——_—___—_ themselves under the different heads of “ children,” “ girls,” “ infants,”| 4 Joguwsy wrrnovr Ewp.—Entering upon an argument with a _——— and “young women,” as if juyenility Sek We prey ang like getting into an omnibus: you know where you enjoy under as many different denominations ce. e start from %s i ; where i ; carry . verily believe that if the women had their own » they would ‘never | s% to tall = og | adopt the epithet “old,” should they even live that they would ciass themselves in the category of “second childhood” | rather than admit their arrival at the stage of anility. Such is the female horror of the vale of that a woman w sooner declare | | herself to be in her dot-age, than to have reached that “certain age” | which any figure above thirty is supposed to indicate, , | What 1s a Farexp?—A Friend is one who jumps down, and puts | on the drag, when he finds that you are going down hill too fast.

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| they have to say, in addition to the facts above-mentioned, is, that if | time,” this forbearance would allow them time for putting the shop and 70 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, = : : | NICHOLAS TO HIS PILLOW. My peaceful pillow, ah, how sweet On thee my head to la a And think in my imperial seat What work I’ve to day ! How many a head on earth there rests Just now, as mine on thee, Of men with bullets in their breasts My people shot for me ! To-morrow morn, refreshed by sleep, I hope once more to rise ; But their repose will be too deep ‘To let them ope their eyes. Should I ne’er wake on earth again Where am I like to go? Not, surely, after such a reign As mine has been, below ! New Military Forces. >/'| News from St. Petersburg tells us that two | battalions of skaters have been formed at Cron- | stadt. When winter comes, hg to act upon the ice. We have also heard that a self-taught : , v Vh.». > | @mgineer of Aberdeen has submitted to our im- . - 4 ‘ east wri) Wn, he tm tuous Premier the model of a gun capable of ' Fo Onn wy VAL ohh. hy ww" | being loaded with snow-balls, to act against the “et —_ ON , ; = WH, nue 'skaters aforesaid. Further intelli states ~-% = —_ - — to = i a aged with his royal brother-in-law, in con- DELIGHTFUL OUT-DOOR EXERCISE IN WARM WEATHER. | sr, : sion may. sere, wth the Tmpera Ruwsino arren “Anoruyn Foun!” at Cricket, amrpst penistve Sours or “ Now | Crons' tS aters, origmated an a Tue, Burrer-rincers!”"—“On! On!”—“Tarow ir tx! Loox sHarP!”—*“ Quick! In | new Prussian force, to be called the Royal Berlin with it!” &c. &c. Backsliders. where there is so little opportunity for social intercourse, and where the whole of AN IMPROVEMENT ON EARLY CLOSING. | Jouthratcnengy is expended in the sorvie of Mammon; and to the frends of dues Tas late closing of shops ee been iad te head to the ensly dose | are exhausted with the leng beampend “aed mc — of the existence of shopmen. Humanity has therefore demanded that| The foregoing passage suggests an irable expedient for g the shutters should “4 put up rome in order that the eyelids may | young men pop pleasure grounds and ks on a Sunday, to those not be sealed prematurely, and that the should be turned off at a| who consider that a desirable object. By abstinence from late shopping reasonable hour to prevent an enliciely ediiestion of the vital spark. | you will give them time for recreation on working days, and in so far Humanity has had one of these demands partially complied with; but | prevent them from desecrating the Sabbath by excursions, or perhaps, not the other. The shutters are pretty generally up about eight, but | by what must be considered almost as bad, by drunkenness. the gas is not out till nine or ten. ese observations are especially applicable to drapery establishments; where counters have to be cleared, windows undressed, and dummies, in many instances, put to bed ; the young men and apprentices doing the work of the nurse, and being detained by that labour an hour or two after shop has been shut. We gather these facts from an “ Appeal on behalf of the young Men of Searborough,” which those young men have published, and we are happy to find that they have seenatliies to say for themselves. What 2 —_————————————————————————————————————— purchasers would, if possible, never “shop after an hour before closing accounts to rights, and for taking needful recreation thereafter. So that, if shops close at eight, and you want a ket-handkerchief, go and buy it at or before seven—if you can. If your pocket has been picked, and you have a cold, that is another matter. On such an emergency, the shopman will serve you gladly. “In those cases,” the “ Appeal” assures us, “no want of polite attention, on the part of the young men, would be experienced.” We do not doubt that. We do not question that there would be an excess of polite attention. We are even sure that the young men who sold the handkerchief would have the superfluous politeness to say, “ Any other article to-night?” We object to that question. It ought never to be capable of being put. “ Any other article fo-day ?” there is no objection to, except that it is surplusage—and a query which bores. But ¢o-#ight? No other article to-mght that will stand over till to-morrow ; no article of any sort but the article in the evening paper! We know our old friend Mas. i f; | Harnis will quite with us in this sentiment ; and we are sure we I i y jae feel, equally with that estimable lady, the force of the following PLE passage of the “ Appeal :"— “ We might appeal to the religious, on the ground that these young persons rarely, COSTUME OF A FRENCH OFFICER IN PURSUIT OF for a | ion of the year, have the ity of attend . day service, "To the moral, ox the tmpocslttli'y of the fealings being rightly cultivated “ GIBIER” AT SHUMLA.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ‘ I

Stout Party (loq.). “Dear! pean! pear! WERE CAN THAT pip Doe nave Got To!”

BEHIND THE SHUTTERS. “ My dear, these peas have no flavour.” “Not a bit, my love.” “ Quite fresh, my lady. ‘Picked on Setusder 2 morning, : ond shelled the very last ire over Kage & expttons to supremo with yy pe ee: feel all his guilt a poe Ro+--4--> y, my > ou = Sunday : ry should suppose no or with an nde Bet f en dpclees on eudt sun 06 es do it’ | “ Shelled ov: t!” ent simed Mas. Dewar, astounded by the | over night ?” im, fling said Porries, who began to of course, except on a Saturday night ?” asked the lady. do you think, Mr. Porries, that you can dare to Kiting from the avenging brow of we don’t keep open any time of suppose I would lay out a penn Lie iy -|*> to supply minute, them behind th Porr.es weak— ne See was afraid of losing his custom. He had already been threatened with a rival. What was to be done? Fe cumnet nome oet pet E> Ga for the very truth. But it is ‘said that never again did Mr. or in of insipid Sunday peas. asked no no questions. Porray h shutters were, as —, — ; but who can tell what things were shelled behind the shutters | Next Parliament, Mr. Dewzapr intends to be returned for the Borough of Coseysoul ; if only, as he has been heard to declare, to lift his voice the unhallowed Bill of Joserpm Hume—of the infidel | who the British Museum and the National Gallery after the hours 4 ws. D me Perhaps, ever, EWLaP may be brought to a compromise : he may vote for the measure, with the amendment, that what is to be seen may be exhibited—behind the shutters.

THE GALLANT FORTY-SIXTH. Hvrnzan for British bravery, for gallantry and worth ! Three cheers for English i clive aad omianen by birth ! The honour of the army is not an idle b boast ; Fill high the pewter-pot—fill high—the F orty- -sixth we toast, What noble deeds of chivalry the Forty-sixth have done !

“You might = well eat bran, my dear.” “Just as well; but—no matter—I’ll give it "em, It’ § very pro-| voking, my love, bed~est your mind at rest—I’ll give it ’em as they a had it.” sien " nee reen peas are a sweet’ thing; like green youth; it isa pity they should ever be spoiled. Our esteemed friend, Mr. DewLar—(no man | asa Christian'was pronder of the beauty of his pew in the Church of St. | first Oil-cum-Honey than DewLar)—our esteemed friend, we say, was par- ticularly fond of green and in the course of a tolerably and to himself extremely useful life, he had so educated his —and what it had cost for its education not he himself could !—that with the pea he could‘pretty well tell the hour when it;was plucked ; whether at sunrise or sun-down ; the precise time, too, when the pea | was shelled whether a certain number of hours before dinner ; or whether, a few timely minutes before they were dropt into the Now, as the Sunday—it was a beautiful Sunday late in June—on w Mr. Dewar co ned the peas as being of no better flavour then | bran, he had been much comforted by a sermon under the roof of Oil- cum-Honey, preached by the Reverenp Josnvua SrickteBack ~ denunciation of Sunday bakings. A shoulder of mutton dripping the under co a fearful type of what the consumers thereo in| | this world upon 7 aut cee it upon themselves to} | expect upon the LA 5 in the | Nevertheless, the shop of Porries might ha fairl | even in Covent Garden ; h dropt a five-shilling-piece in the | plate that day ; + observed to more than one friend | aay dy te fy ryt been edified by a most sweet dis- | course. When the Government wanted a bishop—she spoke in a} isper—she only hoped that the Government - d take its staff, and | pigimeg the shrine of St. Oil-cum-Honey Dew1ap’s brougham with dpe ominous emphasis, at the door of Porrzes, flouris ngrocer ;_ for the DewLars beautiful eee eae Tomfitfield it was so rosy with fruit | cool with the freshest and coohed of vegetables.

up its head fresh, so Mrs. ——— having nothing to do, would always overwork herself by ervelt lf to vhedeiven t her own tendetak. Ge onl dealt with le character—in so far as that co’ their ain, but how was she to know who was who “anions = View, wy ++ the — powers of her intellect to the inquiry ? ns. Dew1aP drew up at the door of Porrzzs. In one moment Porries was at the door of the brougham. ~. Mix. Portizs, those peas you sent in yesterday ” — “Yes, my lady? “ They were like bullets. You ‘ll not contradict it, bullets.” How gallantly ten officers have ted one! What brilliant feats of daring! honour to him who led The six or eight who went to pull one ensign out of bed. What valour and what bravery the Forty-sixth displayed, When oa each other’s bedroom doors a grand attack they made ; When and gentlemen came to decisive blows, Banging each other gallantly about the eyes and nose. What bold and skilful strategy the es pe em eft How + and annoye What ! what tacties can com With Downe “il the vf clothes into the barrack- The boldness of the Forty-sixth! how gloriously rash ! What of character—what recklessness of cash ! How heedlessly the officers a sacrifice can make Of fame and money—turning both into a gambler’s stake. Tis true that ~_- !

England is at war, but who can with her cope When to oo Be Forty ni she points—part of her pride and hope ? No wonder that While she upon _ “ officers and gentlemen’ Let ’s own that with the Forty-cixth no other can compare ; | That in the y ities are rare ; Upon itself alone, ’tis right, its character should fix ; Let’s strike from out the aioe List the number Forty-six. | world in arms she boastingly defies, relies. Physic for the Enemy. A ConTEMPORARY nay Lo the Government has ery ~ | ar antimon t is necessary to observe t e L were cannon otherwise it might be surmised that the ar-Office authorities must have made themselves ill. The | jo of these balls consists in breaking when they strike their | and flying to pieces: thus flinging in all directions lumps of metal, w being antimony, are of course a to give all within the sphere of their destructiveness a regular sickener.

be said in society, Isvanrastz Roiz.—Let the wittiest thi ~ life of him, cannot An | there is sure to be some fool present, who, “ for t see it.”

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bo GRAND FANCY FAIR THE BENEFIT OF DESTITUTE BARRISTERS’ : FOR BARRISTERS AND CLERKS, Bar of England having been for months past in a state of the greatest destitution, a few gene- rous individuals have succeeded in getting up a Fancy Fair for the relief of those Barristers and Barristers’ Clerks who happen to be re- dueed to the last ex- tremity of briefdom. The Proprietors of Her Majesty’s Theatre presented the Committee with the free use of the Theatre. Yesterday this Grand Fancy Fair took place. Never did the beautiful building look to so much advantage! The large chandelier was deco- rated with handsome bunches of red “tape, from which hung playfully huge clusters of legal seals, The effect at a distance was excessively grand. At the hack of the stage was observed a most elegant illumination. It consisted simply of three large letters, “L.A. W.” Many a legal bosom throbbed with feelings of honest pride on beholding those three significant letters, shining, as they were, in jets of the most brilliant gas, and entwined, as they always have been, in their associations with three other letters, not less potent or glittering in their eyes t 4, a | In honour of the occasion, the playbills were printed on the backs of old deeds and writs. This touchmg compliment seemed to affect sensibly some of the oldest veterans of the Bar. One aged junior was carried out im tears. The Band of the Hanwell Lunatic Asylum was in attendance, and played some of their most favourite tunes. At the door were stationed two venerable Quezn’s Counsel, who had formerly enjoyed the largest practice, but who were now reduced to such a pitiable state that they were compelled for their living to write for the Magazines. Their wigs, round which was wreathed a strip of black crape, were pulled over their eyes, and in their hands they held blue bags, which were turned upside down, with their mouths gaping hungrily open, as though apparently they were seeking whom PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. | most distinguished, but at present | PS. Messrs. Brrertess and Duxvr have just received retainers | lin behalf of the Destitute Barristers and their unfortunate Clerks. | | The Charity is in Chancery! they could devour. Behind these two veterans stood their two Clerks thin and mouldy-looking, holding up their fee-books, which presentec as melancholy a blank as their countenances. From the books were | suspended large placards of brief paper, on which was written, in a} fine law-copyist’s hand, the plaintive announcement of “We ane | STARVING.’ Over the portico was a transparency of Lory Epon. The worthy! Chancellor was represented before the celebrated Turnstile in Holborn, | pondering on which side he should go through. The front of the boxes was hung with the handsome material from | which the silk gowns of Counsel are generally made. This material | was of the very finest texture, The retreshment-rooms were decorated | with the common stuff that juniors delight in, but this was fluted most | elegantly, or arranged wit eat taste into famciful festoons. ‘The | cushions were all covered with serge of a warm legal buff, somewhat | in similar to the colour of the usual bilious binding of law books. | ‘The general effect of the theatre was quiet, but imposing. lhe pace stalls were held by dignitaries, whose names have | always been dear to the legal heart: Mr. Joun Dor, opposite to whom | we noticed Mr. Rictarp Roe, attended on this occasion at great personal inconvenience to themselves. They appeared in good health, | and many were the regrets heard that they had retired so early from a rofession they had so long adorned with their valuable presence. | Chey sold a number of articles, and the rivalry between the two gen-| tlemen, as to which of the two should obtain the greater number of | ) victims, was excessively keen and amusing. Mons. Ropert Macatee (of the French Bar) came purposely all’ the way from Paris, His stall was excessively patronised. His porte- | monnates, which were no sooner full than, by a coxp de main, they were : | empty again, had an enormous sale. A Lease, too, that wouldn’t hold : water, amused the spectators exceedingly ; and a good-natured Farmer, who was persuaded to become the temporary holder of one, caused | considerable amusement, in which the Lord Chancellor who was present with his mace, joined most heartily. A couple of stalls were held by the former Opera Houses. Their contributions to the been far from contemptible. They waged managers of two Italian 3 receipts must have Ay i war all the time be a jan Lark), that kept flying backwards and forwards from one othe tes, and which neither ot them could catch. The burden of this song was “ England is only to be valued for its money,” and it wasa burden that seemed to |about a trumpery bird (supposed to weigh excessively heavy upon the recollection of many a poor broken- | down barrister present. A picturesque model of a House in Changery excited a great deal of admiration, and some pretty reduced windows smashed exactly after nature, It was the subject of general rer round at all others, “no ehange was given.” note once parte with, no matter what its amount, was ere to the benefit of the fund, and the owner, as he had entering on a Chancery Suit, never saw any of his p back The proceedings terminated with the the well-known air of the “ 8 March,” (during Ww ; wyers present uncovered) and the popular tune of “ 8 the way the money goes.” The latter was the signal to hurry away as fast as possible. The attendance was extremely select and respectable. Messrs. Brizriess and Dower walked through the hall im the course of the day. No Sheriff’s Officers were admitted. The day’s receipts must have been enormous. Ros. Macarre alone took upwards of £200. It is to be regret however, that it is always a matter of the greatest difficulty to get any accounts from that honourable gentleman. The difficulties on this occasion have been rather increased than lessened. In the meantime, the Committee de- clare that what little money they took was bad, and | maintain that they are out of pocket by the whole affair. d in fact, they | But this | of the same, with the | for every one to button up his pockets, and | statement is stoutly disputed, and there is a strong hope that the | entire matter will be thrown into Chancery. the claims of the charity will not be exactly defeated, as the litigation of the case, should it once find its way into Chancery, will fortunately provide employment for several years. to come to several of our {oh carving members of the Bar. The infamous robbers of the Destitute will not be allowed to keep all the spoil to themselves. AN ELEVATED COURT CIRCULAR. (Prom our Prussian Gobemouche.) Hrs Masesry awoke this morning with his usual headache. After an ineffectual attempt at shaving, in which his Majesty severely cut himself (owing, it was said, to the bluntness of the razor) hi Majesty was at once attended to the breakfast-room, where, however, he, as usual, found he had no appetite. By the advice of his ya a bottle of soda-water was immediately administered, and the King shortly afterwards took his prescribed walking exercise upon the terrace. By lunch time his Majesty was sufficiently recovered to enjoy his usual two bottles of champagne, after which he found himself in a eon- dition to attend to business. Some important state matters being summarily disposed of, the King’s attention was directed to the Eastern question, which, with some facetiousness, he remarked he really could’nt answer. It being afterwards announced that the French and English ambassadors had urgently solicited an audience, bis Majesty was graciously pleased to observe that they might call again to-morrow. Immediately his Ministers retired, the King held a private imter- view with his butler, with whom he for upwards ot an hour. There is no reason to believe that the was other- | wise than of an agreeable nature, although his Majesty appeared a little flushed and exeited after it. There was no addition to the royal dinner podeg, wile the exception of a few extra bottles of champagne, of which his Majesty partook with his eae freedom, and was, carried to bed somewhat earlier than usual, Antidote to Clicquot. WE understand that Mr. Saryssvry, the eminent manufacturer of soda-water, has received a large order for that article from Berlin. In connection with this intelligence, it is reported that an eminent German | chemist and physician has a handsome gold medal, in acknowledgment of a memoir which the Pro- fessor had the honour of submitting to his Majesty on the subject of ammonia, particularly considered as a remedial agent im relation to the effects of inebriety. been presented by the Kine or Prussta with | In this latter event, |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Tourist expostulates: “Ou—a, come! Tem Seecar Is POOR LE—LE—LE— FOOMIGASEONG DE MOR-MEM—YER Foo!” A CASE OF RBAL DISTRESS. By a letter which may doubtless be accepted as a letter of credit, it would really seem that the Seat of War just now wight be more correctly described as the Seat of Hunger, so far at least as the British Army is concerned. The General in chief command there appears to be a Generar Fast, and whenever a vacancy occurs in anybody, there seems to be no one septate, to fill it. Dating from “the Camp at Mona- stir,” the Special Correspondent of the Dai/y News observes :

| “It may sound and perhaps appear incredible to people at home, | yo pat ey bat still it is. fact w may have been made for the food of the troopa, I believe im Bulgaria are half starving. | there is not a single man, not a general officer, in the Camp at Monastir, | | who will dare to assert that the rations served out to the men are sufficient for their maintenance. muscles are in an al g@ state of softn I felt the arms and legs of many, and those not men who were on the Sick List, and I was quite ee their leanness, and the unhealthy relaxed condition of their muse

* * * The men have grown so thin that their | We surely cannot expect much service of a man if we deny him acquaintance with the dinner service, and although | our soldiers are in general obedient to command, it is surely | quite preposterous to bid them “stand at ease” upon an | empty stomach. The nature of the military man of course abhors a vacuum as much as that of any other; and althoygh you may restrict him to “ regulation stint” of food, you cannot guarantee him “ regulation stint” of appetite. If the present almost Total Abstinence System be adhered to, we shall find our ranks thinned by famishing before they come to fighting, and our artists will be sending e sketches of the _— lying in the of the London Street { | and chalking “ J am Starving” on the Varna pavement, Seriously, though, something must be done to alter this shall be reduced eventually to call them our weaknesses. “empty state” of things, or in speaking of our forces we |

THE TURKISH MUSEUM. | (By one who has not seen it.) We made sure that this Museum had a political meaning hidden inside it, and that it would be full of political subjects that of late have been a great deal talked about, but which none of us have seen. } However, we will describe the building as we expected to have found it :— Casx I. “ Z’Homme Malade.’—In this case is shown a full-length | view of the present SULTAN, in a very prostrate condition lying helpless on the Ottoman. A Russian doctor, not unlike the Emperor NiIcHouas, | is in attendance upon him, about to apply some very severe remedies for his restoration. Whil+t engaged in lineding him at the extremities, his hand is also raised against the Suitaw, as if in the act of levelling a blow upon his crown. Two figures, attired in English and French | military costume, are rushing in at the back, with the intention, appa- rently, of averting the blow. Case II. “ The Emperor's Ultimatums.”—This is not % very inter-| esting compartment, consisting merely of heavy bundles of paper, | each one being marked “ Ultimatum.” There must be several hundreds of these Ultimatums, and they fill a space somewhat larger than the | | Queen’s box at the Italian Opera. | ing off the plate under the cloak of Religion. Case IIL. “ The Battles of the Allies.’”—There is nothing in this case as yet; a donkey race with English officers, and that is all. Case IV. The Seat of War.—This Seat is an Ottoman, that ap- parently has been very much put upon. An English and French General are extended at full length upon the Seat fast asleep. Case V. The Protector of the Holy Places.—A tall military-looking figure, with long moustaches and spurs, entering a mosque, and carry- The cloaked figure bears an ugly resemblance to the Czar of all the Russias. Case VI. A Jar of Caviare-—Captured by the English at Odessa. Case VII. Sebastopol Taken—in French Chalks by Lizurenxant O’Rerty. Case VIII. 4 Copy of the Queen’s Speech—in which the English Government is congratulated by Hen Masesty upon Silistria having | been so gallantly defended—by the Turks. Case IX. The Panorama of the Danube—particularly those memorable , spots at which the Allies rendered such valuable service to the Turks in their engagements against the Russians. CHARACTER oF THE Wan.—We read long accounts of the Fury doing wonders in the Sound. The whole expedition to the Baltic tight be aptly described as “Sound and Fury, signifying nothing.”

VOL XXVIL. SINGULAR UNITY IN THE RUSSIAN ARMY." uR astonishment is always great at the small number of “ killed” in the Russian Returns. In many instanees, they have been literally “next to ing,” as the saying is, for they have ayy | not ex- ceeded one, The fact is, NicHoLas wished by so low a figure to con- vey a high notion of the courage of his army; and though, it was true, several thousands had po ished, still he was confident that, inspired by the “ orthodox faitb,” they had all fought and died with the heroism of ome man, That was the reason he would never ailow the Deaths to exceed that number. “Where there was but one heart and one soul,” he a frequently say, “there could not possibly be more than one y.” A New Cloak. A sew military garment has been registered under the name of the | “Court-Martiat Croak.” The object of this new martial cloak is to screen superior officers, and to save them on all occasions from ablic exposure. It has been tried in one or two regiments, fas been found to cover Majors and Captains with the greatest ease and comfort, but, if lied to the shoulders of a poor Lieutenant, it shrunk immediately, and did not afford him the least tee. N.B. One trial (at Windsor, or elsewhere) will prove the fact.

The Proofs of Popery. Aw advertisement states that “The Fist Paoors of Canpiwa, Wisemam are now ready for delivery.” We should like to see them. We have carefully weighed Canpiwat haf omg arguments, but we never discovered anything like proof in them.

HOULD THIS CATCH THE EYE OF A POLICEMAN, it is to | tell him that I am going out of town, and that during = eam, which will be upon for six weeks or thereabouts, my cook aud all my servants wi so that what he eats will be at their expense, and not at mine. (Signed) JOUN SMITH. Board Wages, } |

BR ee eee ee aeons <a act ihe ih Rew grete a eer ee ore a ne pres Pere oe ge

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a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. He ate his victuals and drank his beer in Rich- VULGAR TRUISMS. a Park, by the side of acool and rippling brook, which sufficed to allay the thirst of his companion, who is a teetotaller,—as, indeed, all but — om are. iy bread al ge - ,| were somewhat dry, to sure; his ale ny BB bet become flat, and eonsiderably warmer than was babies. and there it must be sizable; but b is a good sauce, and thirst confessed ‘they do flatter |i* 2° particular. therefore drained his keg each other a little bit by means of his a and every time he “The strongest .minded ©” Ptied that little vessel he drank the health of woes shvinks ‘jon ‘talng the People, and enlightenment to legislators who | autitesialen discourage the recreation which is necessary to The one thing in otens- | by depriving us of needful accommodation on | hold that all persons, ser- Gur Sunday CONEEIOES, vants included, take a —— common interest in is—the Postman’s Knock. ' ’ The "Hen Pecked Hus. THE RICKETY CABINET. It is a wonder, when Eve went out walking, what she did without a parasol. band is happy enough if he Shaky and shatter’d "twas were only Ke alone, but he Worm-holed and batter’d *twas,— generally has some kind Never a trustworthy panel or slab in it ; friend, who is perpetually All sorts of wood it had, urging him “not to stand Né’er a leg good it had,— 9g : Oh! ’twas the fustiest, mustiest Cabinet,— The man who hesitates The craziest, shatter’dest, between mutton and veni- Ramshacklest, batter’dest, 1 son is lost to all sense of Varnishedst, slackest-pegg’ d, the Beautiful. Tarnishedst, Slecheahinen'. Ask all the lodging-house Cjosest-patch’d, crossest-hatch’d Cabinet ! keepers—there never was “woes ¢ : such a thing known in a All had a pull at it; KEE lodging-house as a Flea! Jousx Bricut went skull at it; “or If you meet an Exeter Dizzy each knot-hole and crack tried to nab in it: Hall-looking friend at Cremorne, it is always “the first time that he has ever been there.” Now a leg et d away, j ( A man’s ruin is never the result of his own folly—it is sure to be the fault, or treachery, of} = | Now one was lopp’d away,— ome one else. Till the wonder was how it continued a Cabinet. The man who neglects himself is sure in time to be neglected by others. The weakest, yet longest-lived, In fashionable soeiety nothing promotes conversation so much as “a little music.” Slaekest, yet strongest-lived ; Ladies who “ never eat suppers,” generally eat the most. Making resistance most, SB Lacking persistence most, = Never-die, ever-die Cabinet ! ee , Winds whi ‘ , OUR EXCURSIONIST ON SUNDAY. Winds whistled through its boards, Damps warp’d askew its boards,— There was dry-rot, and mildew, and fungus and scab in it; Many tongues swore at it, Many hands tore at it,— Allown’d ’twas shameful to keep such a Cabinet, Tu proverb that Necessity is the mother of Invention, was illustrated last Sunday by the devices adopted by the Excursionists to provide themselves with that needful refresh- | ment, which, = the agreeable New Beer Bill, they are prevented from obtaining at an inn, not only at unreasonable, but at reasonable hours. Hampers, baskets, barrels, and all manner of vessels capable of transporting liquor, from stone bottles to black jacks, were piled on all So wormy and moth-eaten the railway platforms — anol into the carriages; the out-of-town omnibuses and} Sluttish end cleth-caten ° steamers carried similar cargoes: and all the gigs, buggies, dog-carts, taxed carts, and other | Strange and unshapenl . humble vehicles on the various suburban roads, were laden with the same description of ~ y luggage ; of which sundry articles were even to be seen a upon the top of the neat | 1 brougham, or occupying a space in the handsome carriage. The road and the river, in short, Twopenny-halfpenn’ly, amp’d-up and cramp’d-up a Cabinet ! presented such an appearance that it might have been supposed that races were going on None had a doubt of it, everywhere, and that the holiday-folks were engaged in the observance of a general Derby. | Foul things erept out of it," The subject of this article is in the habit of going for a long walk on Sundays—after one | Bred there like moths in a folded-up tabinet ; o'clock. This practice is requisite for his bodily health: for his oceupation is sedentary, From the work to the wood in it, whilst his appetite is keen, and his corpulence, but for taking strong exercise once a week, Searce aught was good in it. would be excessive. ; ad a So every one said—yet it served for a Cabinet ! He usually extends his walk about Richmond, because in that circuit he passes a A\l sighing and squeaking still, number of quiet old houses; and still, shady avenues lie in his way, and other places and Groaning and creaking still, objects breathing a spirit of repose that tends to allay the irritation of mind under which, | Threatening to fall to bits, from the contemplation of affairs in general, and especially his own, he generally labours. Yet shaking all to bits, About the middle of his journey he usually gets tired ; hungry and thirsty always. Among} Who measured their strength gainst this Cabinet. | the old houses above mentioned there are some of a public nature. At these he has been | é. in the habit of obtaining rest and refreshment—the latter including a limited quantity of | Sure its upholsterer beer. But now their hospitable portals are closed against him on Sunday, and perhaps| _ Was a rare bolsterer— very soon will be shut on every other day, if gentlemen, who can go to clubs as well as to| Used to Wardour Street work, and a regular dab chureh, being blest with affluence, and therefore belonging to the better classes, continue to in j in it, legislate, in their present spirit, for himself and the rest of the worse—that is, the worse-off. | Who, ’gainst wind and weather, } | The privation wh ch has been thus imposed upon him has exasperated him in the highest! Still made hang together j | degree : for nothing enrages him more than injustice and tyranny, particularly when practised | Such a set of materials in shape of a Cabinet ; upon himself. | But ours are King Loe days ; | He is a person whose constant and earnest, but, unfortunately, ineffectual desire is to make | Else, spite of the dog-days, provision for the future. It was, however, in his power on Sunday last to secure bread and | And the length of the session cheese for lunch. He put a moderate loaf of the former and a suitable slice of the latter And war-times’ depression— into a wallet, slung to a shot-belt which he girded himself withal in the usual fashion. On | Surely some onecould turn out adecenter Cabinet. | the previous day he had procured a small cask, such as reapers take into the fields: had | sent this to “the Jolly Gardeners,” and got it filled with strong ale. He strapped this cask . SrayES i to his back, put a horn in his pocket, and, thus accoutred, sallied forth for his customary walk,| Nosre Sacririce.—We know a benevolent armed with his trusty cudgel, attended by his faithful dog, followed by a train of admiring}old lady, who, ever since she has been told of youth, and greeted by the smiles of everybody that he met,—exeept a few ugly and unwhole-|the great scarcity of paper, has discontinued some-lookingfellows in black suits and white stocks, who scowled on him. wearing curlpapers !

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| | | | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 75 JEREMIAH SMITH AND WILLIAM STAGGERS. (From our own Reporter.) By a singular coincidence, on the very day that Jenemian Smrru, late Mayor of Rye, was weleomed home, on his release from the gaol to which he had been sentenced for perjury, and out of which Lorp Patmerstow mercifully let him, on the ground of Surru’s bad. health the procession, rejoicings, speeches, and other demonstrations o delight at this honourable and triumphant acquittal were paralleled in Whitechapel. Bitz Staccers, elias Jonzs, alias Browy, alias the Varmint Dopeer, was that morning di d from the Causremton Hotel, better known to honest folks as the House of Correction, The Var- mint had been convicted, at the Clerkenwell, Sessions, of knocking down an elderly lady and plundering her of her-watch andipurse. The compassionate old soul, at old watch, recommended him soearnestly to mercy ( of women), that he escaped the indul- gent but illogical manner authorities that the Varmint exhibited to’! which might be aggravated by diet he did not after enduring a portion only of his sentence. ’ and admirers determined to-receive him on hisextrusion from: to escort him in triumph to his lodgings, Nine-Byed-Cat Lane, Gardens, Whi s of ineipient dys he-was set at liberty, and. mind to part with his interesting before the prison, and about a dozen of the eculprit’s friends We did not observe any Member of Parliament. among them. — disposed of the tedious interval by smoking short pipes, occasi refreshing themselves with liquids which they had ea brought; with = oa : ae beguiling the time with a Gane, a passers-by, ith sportive announcements, threngh grating of the door, that breakfast was a vaitin and the muffins a gittin cold. At length Mr. StaceEns was shoved out, and was received with a wild hooray from his enthusiastic friends. He looked exceedingly well, and even clean; but he seemed by no means in a good temper, stared at the surrounding objects rather vacantly, and then intimated that his audience had better stow all nonsense, and cat it. Mr. Staccers was promptly thrust into a cab, into which five companions followed him, and their united consolations, and those of a bottle of the Ancient Thomas Vintage, which was speedily produced, restored the Varmint to something of his habitual slocidity. The bewildered cabman, under a storm of emphatic exhortations from each window, drove frantically to Whitechapel, dashingly followed by the cart. Mr. Sracezrs and his friends partook, largely, of a substantial breakfast (furnished by Mr. Artcusone, of the Harp and Warmingpan, with all his accus- tomed liberality and taste), and the utmost cordiality and good feeling —relieved from sentimentality by a couple of fights—were the order of the morning. Breakfast being over, and beer introduced, Mr. James Crowzar desired to say a few words; and the company At least an hour hefore Conowen Cuestertax could make-up: lia), , promptly requested that they might be very few. He said that their | ~ friend StacGcers had got out of quod, and how and why was nobody’s business. There he sat, and there was his good health, and confusion to all Peelers. Mr. Staccers did not appear to see any reason for taking further | | to Mx. Stacenns for not actually ally patton a period to her existence, and thankful that ya ox back her A ah a sentence , of a year’s imprisonment ; and on its being medically certified to the Kia om ness, then, we would:advise ds we cannot but regard! his now frequent numerous. friends | (mp git 7 : - m notice of their remarks than by a grunt of satisfaction with the con-| in TEMPERATE ADVICE. Accorptxc to the latest accounts we have audited, the Kiva or Prussia just at present seems behaving like a weathercock. One day he points clearly to the side of England, and the next is found suddenly veering round to Russia. It is diffieult to say what has caused this vacillation, although thanks to the industry invention of “ Our own Correspondents,” there have, of course, been many most “authentic” reasons assigned for it. That however which apparently has gained chief credit seems, in our opinion, anything but creditable: for it has been broadly hinted by some narrow-minded he, that His Majesty’s unsteadiness is attributable to champagne, through the influence of which the royal mind has gradually become as shaky as his hand. _It is but natural, pe tliat so exalted a personage should show ; but the Sovereign who can so habitu- r but with sovereign contempt. the at, it es. every Monarch to assume an t i pagne is certainly but little con- ducive: andtit must intewth he-owned, that by his present course the Prussia mans tlie risk of losing his crown—in England he would run. tite ehance of being In sober serious- } pledge at once, for vation as the height of im- F = i iu e prudence. Coa why DT yu ——— i 4) bade” eal Uniform of the Porty-Sixth. Some mistake appears to exist about the Guards—a name applied by any people to troops not so calling themselves. Among these may be ciuded the gallant 46th. This now famous corps does not profess to be cluding sentiment. But in answer to the general call, he rose and said| regiment of the Guards, but certainly ranks as such in popular he was much obliged, and that if anybody thought that locking him up| estimation. and talking s wise party. (It is possible that our reporter, who was disadvantageously seated on a spike of the area railings, may have done inadequate justice to the force of Mn. Stacezrs’s eloquence.) He added that he had cer- tainly been led into an error, whish be hoped his friends would pardon. An extra touch on the head would have rendered his prosecutrix. unable to say much about him; but he admitted that he had been weak. We was all asses at times, but such a mistake should not occur again. He drank all their jolly good healths, and wished that they would be off, for he was uncommon * On this hint the party, and a band of Anglo-Ethiopians who had performing various tunes before the house, in honour of the connie, received 4 good many more Sg = Balenes from the Ispersing » AGGERS intends, at the earliest vacancy, to offer aa. of the Churchwardens of Whitechapel. The Fate of Umbrellas. Wuew a person is carrying a cotton umbrella, it is, curiously enough never his own property “has just borrowed it from a friend.” i our own experience did not tell us a very different story, it would seem as if it fell to the fate of only cottom umbrellas to be borrowed ! | | If not disbanded, it will probably obtain the appellation of ney to him was likely to alter him, anybody was not a| the Royal 46th Guards (Jet), AN. ILLUMINATED CHDROH. Tue Puseyites have quite a Cossack’s love for tallow-candles, and one of the reasons why they use so many of them in their churches —decorating the altar and other places with candles of all sizes—may be, that they hope by so doing to bring the Protestant religion into a state of what is vopainaly enlied “ sixes and sevens.” WHERE BAD SONS ARE SENT TO. Formerzy the Scamp of the ae | used to. be sent into the Navy ; but we should say the system of fami rol was altered now, for, judgi thous vesent Court Martials, all the Seamps must have been sent into the Army. HAS WOMAN NO ConscIENcE ? Has Lovely Woman no conscience? or is it that she never goes wrong in money matters? At all events, let the strange cause be what it may, you never see the Cuancetton or THE Excugquer acknow- | ledging “ Conscience Money” from a woman ! | pened. - tan nmeoreeianeeanll

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m

76 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Ba a pane Ger Krone Ss “<<.” ae ON THE MOORS. Mr. Puff. “My Brro, I Tex.” Mr. Muff. “Bretoycs to Mz, I vancy,” &c. &. &c.

THE MAN AT THE WHEEL, Witu halyard and rattlin the wild wind is battling, The canvass is flapping from yard and from boom ; The hail and the sleet on the sky-lights are brattling, In the teeth of the gale comes the thunder-cloud’s gloom : On our course as we’re bounding, the breakers are soundiue, The water is shoaling beneath the ship’s keel ; Ten to one we may touch on the reef we are rounding— What matter? “ Don’t speak to the man at the wheel!” The rising and falling of the wind mocks the bawling Of the hoarse master’s call, through the trumpet conveyed :— For basins and brandy the passengers calling— There are orders enough, so they were but obeyed. Her bows wildly yawing—and see-sawing, Now to starboard, now larboard, haphazard we ree! : To the fatal lee-shore near and nearer we’re drawing — What matter? “Don’t speak to the man at the wheel!” There are sailors aboard her who cowld bring to order The chaos that reigns both above and below, But ne’er fash your thumbs: soon the strait will get broader, And sooner or later the sea down will go : The helmsman is hoary, well up in his Noxiz,* And all other authors of maritime “ skeel,” But ere we’re all sent, by his guidance, to glory— Mr. Punch begs to “ speak to the man at the wheel :”— “From your dreams, domce and dozy, your pilot-coat cozy, Wake up, ancient mariner—wake while you may ; "Tis a time for brave deeds, not for talk pert and prosy ; There are breakers to baile and shoals in the way. * Nonta’s Navigation, Sailor's Text-book.

Yet we’ve strong gales to blow us, a good ship below us, With a true British crew, hearts of oak, thews of steel ; Only one thing we lack—and that one who will show us ?— Give him space, in your place—’tis “ a man at the wheel !”

“ Our sires have recorded what a helmsman before did— They call him ‘the pilot who weathered the storm ;’ Be his faults what they might, he was bold and unsordid; Defied Revolution, and longed for Reform : The seas you are braving are summer-tides laving Calm sI to the waves with which he had to deal ; Catch a strain of his courage, and change your behaving, Or England will soon change “ the man at the wheel.” THE WOMEN AND THE ELECTRIC TELEGRAPH. Tue Electric Telegraph Company has organised a band of female |

Clerks to work the Electric Telegraph. It is a happy idea to turn the | gentler sex to account by employing the ladies m a task which will | give full scope to their love of rapid talking. _We have known and | (unhappily) heard tongues that can ad: a tremendous rate, but to | as quick as lightning is a luxury that the women have not yet been | able to enjoy, and we doubt not that there will be a rush of gratuitous Clerks, . <X it is oe ~ < that nae may have the oppor- tunity o ing by tric Telegraph. e expect a } increase of s from the new nent for Wf’ in oan tok a8 the rate of a thousand miles a minute, it is impossible to say what will | be the velocity attained by a woman, who can always run on far beyond the speed of the most rapid male orator. | A Suor at rae East.—It is, or was till the other day, somewhat | absurd to speak of the “ Seat of War ;” for the War can hardly be said | to have a seat while it is at a stand-still.

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*““YOU ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SPEAK TO THE MAN AT THE WHEEL.” f Aveust 26, 1854.) [Puncy, No. 685.

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tee sibohaahe adn iia

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 79 THE FINE YOUNG ENGLISH OFFICER. ‘ | | English pretty state ; rather late grog, while at lieutenants wait, time. The mess-room was a precious mess with biekerings and rows, i And frequently the officers would come to sudden blows ; } And one would have a broken head, and one a broken nose, While now and then a candlestick at somebody there goes: _ Mid those fine young English officers all of the modern time. When off to bed they seem to go they on each other call, And burst into each other’s rooms, and raise a midnight brawl ; Puil’d from his couch a subaltern upon the floor may spraw}, ! And out of window goes his bed, sheets, blankets, quilt, and all ; Thrown by these fine young officers all of the modern time. } But fun so fast must have an end, and words may get so high, | That blows will follow, and may leave a mark upon the eye ; Which e’en the Colonel cannot pass wholly unnoticed by, And a Court Martial must be held, and people will say “ Fie!” On these young English officers all of the modern time. Now surely when such precious seamps appeared upon parade As “ officers and gentlemen” they were in masquerade ; For such extremely blackguard pranks they never could have played, If anything like gentlemen they ’d been by nature made “hese fine young English officers all of the modern time. A WORD FOR MR. WALKER. “ Sic vos non vobis mellificatis apes.”’—Ma. Vinerr. A CorresponveEnt of the Daily News complains that Mn. Waker, | the famous author of “ Gatherings from Graveyards,” has been left out in the arrangement of the new Board of Health. As the existence of | any Board of Health at all is probably owing to the researches and | publications of Mr. Waker, this omission is certainly rather like that of the Paince or Denmark in the performance of Hamlet. It is true that at the head of the Board we have a very proper man; a man of eminent scientific, as well as administrative ability. For Sir BensaMIn Hatt is something more than a shrewd, and active, and intelligent reformer. He is a man of science, too. Of course he is. Sanitary Reform requires a knowledge of the laws of health and disease ; of the relations of the human organisation to surrounding circumstances, and of their agencies upon it: physiology, nosology, chemistry: in_all which matters, doubtless Sim Bensamrn Hatt is well versed. The President of the Board of Health must, at least, know as much about the subject of his administration as the President of the Board of Control knows about India. Still, two heads are better than one, and perhaps the sanitary knowledge of Str Bensamry Hat is not quite which he might possibly derive from Mr. Wacker. [t is, of course, quite right that the chief of the Board of Health should not be a Physician. ‘The medical faculty is not the faculty of common sense. Th sutics have nothing to do with hygienics, and the Art of Cure is a different thing from the Science of Prevention. You would not consult the parish Doctor as to the means of keeping well; on that subject you would rather ask the advice of the district Surveyor. Still, Ma. Waker is a man who knows as much about sanitary matters as anybody in London—perhaps not even excepting that eminent man of science, Sin Bensamin Havy. He is a gentleman whose public services are vast and unacknowledged, and there is every reason why he should be a member of the Board of Health, except that ow [’ll singa bran | Nevertheless, it is carrying new song made| Mr, Waxker from the constitution of a Sanitary Board. by a practised ate, of a fine old regi- | ment that’s ina} With a fine old English Colonel _ : : who sits up ™auy distinguished members of the aristocracy, which was held yes- the door bullied Army and Navy, and has now been adopted in t Like fine young English officers all of the modern 80 perfect as to be incapable of being augmented by any suggestion against the medical profession should be entertained by political quacks. this prejudice rather too far to exclude surgeon—but he is a ve able one. | Board of Health for Mr. . Is there no room at the festive ALKER! en —— SITUATIONS FOR “SOCIETY.” Ar a highly genteel meeting, numeronsly attended, and including terday at Jewkins’s Rooms, to consider the steps which it will be And drinks his meumbent on society to take in consequence of the system of exami- nations which not only prevails in the learned =, but in the i { e Civil Service, the folowing resolutions were put and carried :-— Moved by Axcunnon Sprriccr, and seconded by Jessamim Puipps, Esqrs., That the examinations which it is now necessary to undergo in order to enter any profession, or to obtain any ollice or situation regarded as |he is a Surgeon, and is therefore voted ineligible for “office” by the | gentlemen of red tape. It is not wonderful, to be sure, that may He is a suitable to a gentleman, constitute a serious obstacle to the aequisition | of that employment which the junior and other less opulent members of society are unfortunately under the necessity of procuring, Moved by the Duke or Dunsrwanz, and seconded by the Marquis or Gornam, That the intellectual exertion required to enable a candidate for office, military or civil, to pass the least difficult ordeal to which he could be subjected, is much too severe to be endured by the majority of young gentlemen moving in society who have been educated to fill an employment suitable to their position, Mr, Lotirmeron, | | tlemanly by Society, must now, on account of the study exacted by them, be regarded as laborious. Moved by Viscount Srrer, and SareKke, Hsq., That the anxiety attendant on the intellectual application involved in preparing for examinations is productive of an uneasy and careworn look, and sometimes of a tendency to frown and stoop, and other ungainly peculiarities, in place of that serenity of aspect and elegance of deportment which have hitherto characterised the majority of those who constitute Society, and are denominated the Superior Classes, Moved by Lorp Drawuzey, and seconded by Cartan Lisp, That in the opinion of this Meeting it lias become necessary for Society to reconsider its estimate of the dignity of avocations and employments, in order to the maintenance and preservation of the principle which ranks as the most honourable those which demand the least industry. And Society is accordingly recommended by this Meeting to stamp with the seal of gentility the situations of shopman, and clerk in a mercantile or lawyer's office: and to brand with the stigma of snobbishness and vulgarity all places at the Treasury and Somerset-House. Moved by Ean. Piusurnctos, and seconded by Mu. Bucks, That this Meeting esteems the situation of an official Secretary as decidedly inferior in dignity to that of a valet-de-chambre. seconded by Duper The Lads of the Forty-Sixth. Or all the Corps in Her Masgsry’s Service, the 46th is that which may, with the greatest propriety, be called an infantry regiment, as the pranks which its junior officers are accustomed to play upon each other, are of a description so puerile. But we hope the 46th is not the Nursery of the British Army. NAPIER NAPPING IT, We have often been puzzled to find out why Narren is so familiarly spoken of as “Otp Cnanvey.” We think we have at last discovered the appropriateness of the sobriquet, for the Old Charleys hada shocking character for going to sleep on their posts. A STORY WITHOUT FOUNDATION, Tre Ganuet story is the — story; but if we add to Ganner another T, we must regard the story as a base story—as base as any story can be that has no basis. That the occupations which have heretofore been considered gen- Moved oy Sir Cuantes Dawoprz, and seconded by the Hon. | bernie Se Be

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4 a os | 80 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

work of art is too noble to be idly touched by the fingers of innovatéon, THE HIGH PRICE OF PAPER. and we therefore can hardly excuse the officiousness which has lent a hand to the elder son, who had lost one of his arms—the right—and We must confess we are astonished beyond description, either in helped him to a set of new tips for his toes, out of pity to the ai | prose or poetry, Ay high price < vapor beng still maintained. We extremities which he had been reduced to “J | should have thought that the numberless despatches and interminable No. 95 i : ~ ter * ere ei ors Oo ee Lag, ik he | 5 hetween St. Petersburg an rlin, and the endless diplomatic notes : : : 7 i that have been exchanged between Austria and those States, would have had been rather slovenly about the feet, or was in the habit of sli nd ywered the value of waste paper so considerably as to have lessened << a — —— pa meg oo walk _— phy ich the value of paper at least one half. There can have been no want of © a tl -¢ —— - _ h h yon yy ~ orwsen fvom the jae iterials for making paper, when we think of the extensive corres- ce f C1 poougas ~~ * 4 was the only share of the gifts of pondence that has been going on for months in relation to this still-an- a a a oe to sppropriste. answered “ Eastern Question.” What has become of all this cor- No. 30 brings us to Somyus, who almost sends us to sleep when respondence ? As for its value, it cannot be of the slightest worth to we look at him. So drowsy is the any one, excepting to buttermen and trunk-makers, and it is high time aspect of the figure that we are almost that the notes and letters, being completely such dead letters, were compelled to pay the highest tribute sold. What has become, also, of.all the Emperor or Russta’s “ Ulti- to the seulptor’s talent by shutting tums?” In waste-paper alone, they would be a small fortune to our eyes to it. : the holder of them Whoever is the lucky proprietor should come _ No. 34 is the sleeping Expyion forward and throw them into the scales of public competition. in relief, from the Capitol at Rome, a figure in which repose and grace are so blended as to present in this alto-relief one of the finest specimens of out-door relief that can be afforded by the artistic union already men- tioned. , No. 51 represents Tnatia, who has been much misrepresented by the modern writers of comedy. She is seen at the Crystal Palace with a mask in one hand and a roll in the other—the roll probably containing some of that fancy bred in her brain, PUNCH’S HANDBOOKS TO THE CRYSTAL | PALACE. THE GREEK COURT (Cowtixvep.) Tue principal objects of interest in the Greek Court are the pieces of sculpture, some of which are so well known and have been so frequently @ described, that we might as well attempt to get blood out of the stone of which they are composed, as to extract anything new from them. First on the list is Vewos Victrix, from the Louvre, representing that rather coarse creature, familiarly known as a fine woman. Such a

Venus would conquer rather by her muscle than by her beauty, and 7 . Secs, _ very agreeable features. | though the latter might, vulgarly speaking, strike one all of a heap,| No. 65 is a diminutive philosopher from Munich, who from the ; the former might knock one over in a still more decisive manner. smallness of his size, was probably one of those philosophers who are No. 4 is the celebrated Quoit-thrower, or Discobclos, of which there | not destined to make a very great figure. The head does not belong are many copies. ‘The figure is in the rather difficult position of \to the body, but this is natural enough, for many a philosopher has lost

a ee ee — — though the mask does not present any | — throwing the quoit, which the sculptor has caught rather happily. his head, which, under such circumstances, is of no use to any one—not | No. 518 a Warrior from the Louvre, who is generally known in England | even to the owner. as the Fighting Gladiator, and who has probably been seen by many of our| Nos. 69 and 71 are horses’ heads, the former being peculiar for l latter for the absence of its eyes, readers in the person of some suburban Signor, who “ does the statues ” | the arrangement of its mane, and the |which leave us in the dark as to its origin. If we might indulge in | A f' | speculation without the aid of the eyes, we would hazard the conjecture | = that the head is that of some blind horse of the dark ages, which may . ‘have worked in some cart employed in the removal of the dust of antiquity. | No. 78 will be easily recognised as “Currp and Psrcne;” a very | familiar subject, though this is the only specimen in which the figures | are without the wings which usually mark their flightiness. The Cupid is a very “old love,” and has undergone a good deal of restoration about the rose and chin—the points upon which age is likely to tell,— and has also been supplied with a new | foot, which many an old Cupid who is a } |martyr to the gout would be glad to be ' \ provided with. , | In No. 79 we have another Tuarsa, |from the Louvre, with her head very {much worn by the action of the atmos- yhere. One would suppose that the Muse had been accustomed to exhibit in | booths and shows in the open air, which may have subjected her to such an amount of fair wear and tear as to have | seriously affected her head, and deprived her of that genuine mirth which in these days she fails to manifest.

| IEAY HER = f bi :

| | | \ \ \ 1 | No. 119 furnishes us with some por- fey 2s + he kf \ tions of the bas-relief of Trasan’s cele- } brated column at Rome, with which no i: 4

at a minor theatre ina suit of white fleshings, a wig of wool, and a/ column of the Zimes can compete in interest. It is a record of the countenance thickly embedded in chalk—a style of getting-up which deeds of the Emperor whose name it bears, and it is very creditable to is supposed to qualify the worn-out Harlequin for the embodiment of | APOLLopoRvS, its author, to have condensed so much history into a all or any of the “ classical heroes of antiquity.” | single column. No. 16 brings us to Laocoow and his Sons, from the Vatican. Aj| At No. 178 B, we come to the renowned marbles, which have given a Hi group which has come down to the very humblest on the heads of half | sort of monumental fame to the name of Exar. This fortunate noble- ie the Ltalian image boys, who offer us “Stcnor Mittone” for eighteen | man came over to England with a magnificent collection of marbles in pence, or will throw in “Stenor Suaxsrert” for an extra shilling, if| 1801, but it was not till 1816 that the British nation, after a consider- we will take the pair of them. Laocoon was‘ the son of Priam, who} able amount of fanking, was induced to knuckle down to the extent of a attempted to keep out of Troy the wooden horse by setting up a pike, | £35,000, which was the sum paid for the of these treasures. 1 | but he had no sooner raised his lance than he tound himself encircled, |The Annual Register (Vol. 58) contains report of a Select Com- I with his two sons, by’a brace of serpents in one of the most affecting | mittee of the House of Commons which sat upon those marbles for a if instances of a family tie that has ever been witnessed. This magnificent | considerable time, and did justice to the labours with which Lozp

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| @xit. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 81 Exérs had left no stone unturned, and had consequently obtained a right to turn an honest . The Government of y, like the Government of almost every | other day, refused to contribute anything to the advancement of art as a national ae matter in Mn Pt Agua ——— ex to be alternately penny wise an und foolish. Lorp Exerm niles left to . his tesk at his own cost, and to save these marbles from the who were in the habit of amusing them- selves by taking shots at the , Which would probably have ended im macadamising the streets of Athens, if they had not been pre- ate aly pave the way to a new and improved standard of taste in and, ese marbles tell their own story so well, that we shall not! insult the sculptor Purpras by pointing to the procession on the trieze, and saying, those are {men on horseback,” or “that article is | intended for a helmet,”—a style of description whieh is justified by | nothing but the failure of the artist to express his own meaning. | _ No. 187 represents Niopz, whose boast, like that of a witness in a police court, was to be “the mother of a large family.” This reiteration of the rather doubtful merit of extensive maternity, rendered Nrosr such a nuisance, that one day when bursting out in her favourite | character of the “ mother of fourteen children,” she insulted Latowa, | who happened to complain to her own offspring, Arotto and Diana, who at once abated the Nrope nuisance by destroying the Niose children. One y was J nen a daughter, named Cutoris, who is represented in the Crystal enchanting on Nrose herself, who having been former! all fire and fury, became all water and for she took to perpetu tears, and after having been nearly al] her life a roaring termagant, she ended her days as a erying evil. The group has been assigned to Praxrretes, though in some parts the critics pretend to trace an erior chisel. No. 198 will be easily recognised as the renowned Venus bE Menpicts, of which the original may be seen at Florence. This statue has been more written on pe than any statue in the world, though after all that has been said, it its own story best in a few lines of beauty. The moderns have had a two hands—in this work of art, for the arms are both of them “restorations.” Without descending from the ‘pedestal of the writer to the rostrum of the auctioneer, it would be impossible to enumerate all the objects of interest in the Greek Court of the Crystal Palace, Ina mere Catalogue they number 217 Lots, scarcely one of which can be said to fall under the common lot, for genius has given to nearly every one a sort of immortality. ere we to attempt to do justice to each and all of the numerous objects that claim our:admiration, we should be compelled to to come in her way, by throwing in the face of the latter | anticipate a very important addition to the the whole of their aggregate families. Lavowa’s irritation induced her | be occupied till the arrival.of the’‘Greek Kalends Greek Court, for we should JOLLY COMPANIONS. We do not object to the mode rate use of gene- rous li of it. Drankenness is bad en m a man, but in a multi- tude it is terrible. What, then, will the readers of Punch think of the conduct described in the fol- lowing extracts taken from a_ contempo- rary, without any alteration or addition in as far as the nar- rative relates to acts and deeds ?— “Gereat Baccwama- Liaw DewowsTration.— Several thousands of topers congregated yester- day morning in Ruasell Square, for the purpose of paying their fourth annual visit tothe Surrey Zoological Gardens.” A very suitable place of resort, you would say, for who make beasts of themselves. “ Every part of London and its snburbs contributed its quota to the general mass; and by the time the pro- cession was ready to staft, it was found that Russell Square, capacious as it is, would not hold it, and large bodies | of persons had to move down the adjoining streets in order to give the leaders an opportunity of making adignffied gigs, &c., headed by bands of music, the vigour of which must have taken the | Square and ita neighbourhood not a little by surprise.” Every description of vehicle which could be begged or borrowed was brought into requisition to convey of the enthusiastic votaries of Baccuus, and the procession was made of omnibuses, cabs, cla aristocratic rences, residents of ul This must have been a slight nuisance—particularly to any inhabitant of the vicinity troubled jact ant o! with a who ought to know what that suffering is might have more considerate. Besides, how could they tell that they were not disturbing somebody’s last moments, or the first moments of somebody else—and the repose of somebody else’s mamma ? “ Shortly after 11 o’cloek the ion made a start, amid the deafening cheers of the persons who composed it, some hundreds of whom were children, designated the ‘Band of Hops,’ who are bound by a solemn league themsetves, 4 and covenant never to drink water and to discourage the practice in others. As if children were capable of bemg bound—except by their sponsors —to any league or covenant whatever; whether solemn or absurd: whether to dak water or brandy. Such children must be very preeocious; but an unhealthy ey is one and children who vow to discourage any practice on th e part of others, but that of of the results of gin : doing mischief or of eating trash, must have been previously seduced into an extreme state of liquor. 564, “ Mr. Hovaa, the well known Baechmnalian singer, whose sudden and remarkable tr from teetotali to habitual inebriety is well known, headed the procession witich moved along Tottenham Court Road, Oxford Street, Regent Street, Pall-Mall, Whitehall, Parliament Street, over Westminster Bridge, down the York Road to Biaekfriars Road, and thence through Walworth to the Surrey (:ardens, where a grand /éte took place.” What an intolerable obstruction in the streets they must have created ! “On the entering Ma. Hoveu with bis ‘ Address to the Young. | that the Ma. Gormonp, and other spoke on the subject of ‘ater in day there were salutes of t by various protessionals, In the evening there was a display of fireworks, and other representations for which the Surrey Gardens are so re- markable. The whole of the proceedings, which were very well managed, were underthe direction of the London Bacchanalian Leagne.’’ Here were rare ! Here was a jolly row! A mob choking , parading the streets with bands of music, shoutmg, bellowing, voci ing, for no weason whatever, and utter- ing “ ing cheers” to the annbyance, if not injury, of everybody except the aurists, and Messrs. SoLomons—what are we to think of such a concourse but that it was a most tipsy rabble? What is such outrageous conduct as this indicative of but of being half-seas-over, three sheets in the wind, bosky, beery, screwed, | the worse for liquor—much the worse—so much | the worse as to be literally roaring drunk. We naturally ask what these roysterers had been having, and what they had been giving the un- | happy infants whom they encouraged to imitate | their own noisy and riotous behaviour ? But we are gomg too fast—like the people | whose extravagances are above related. There are a few corrections to be made in the — 2 ng yy ce ge alley al “ Temperance,” carry out the same | principle of emendation to the end. Substitute ‘ Bandof Hope” for “Band of Hops,” and alter “ Baechanalian singer” into “Temperance ora- | tor,” call the instead gentleman alluded to Goveu, of Hoven, and reverse the statement made respecting his change of habits. With such ae these, however, we have | faithfully our econtemporary’s report the “Great Temperance Demonstration.” The uproar, the obstruetion, the wild excitement, the tumultuous disorderly behaviour on whieh | we have commented, are facts. Only they were |not, at least they professedly were not, the | results of intoxi drink. They were meant | for manifestations of total abstinence ; on behalf | of which they afford just this argument, sat masse of teetotallers can make |as great fools of themselves on water as other |people can be made by oe fluids, and *t as tipsy on tea, or on nothing, as ordinary Pdividuale can on wine and grog. Thus a tee- totaller might be considered to be a person who abstains from fermented liquors because he can be sufficiently drunk without them. ABERDEEN’S SYSTEM OF WARFARE. Gardens, there was a gathering by the Band of Hops, when each ber ted by ‘THROWING away the sword, and keeping the at ainbeteap thane eumoumaling oxtintonn enema ainaans scabbard.

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PUNCH, I i! i ] : if J i y Sm hi { Sil j [ WRI i Pe, PRIVATE OPINION. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL MEMORANDUM FOR YOUNG OFFICERS. _ It is particularly recommended that every Officer who joins a regiment shall have an i income besides his pay, sufficient not only to live upon, but to support a life of that fast description that becomes an officer and a gentleman. In cases where it may not be possible to comply with this recommendation, the young officer is advised to incur debt rather than odium, for the latter is calculated to. bring him into disgrace, but the former will extend his credit. Officers should make it their invariable rule to do every- thing like a gentleman; and this i y applies to spending money. Prudence is not a quality the cultivation of which is desirable on the part of whose profession it is to risk their lives. It invariably exposes all who act on its principles to obloquy and contempt, because by abstinence from gratifications in which others indulge, officers set their comrades a di example. An officer who does not s the whole of his income will be naturally required to lend the remainder. Every officer of experience well knows that money lent should be regarded as money lost. The probability is that the officer who borrows will, however honourable may be his mtention, be unable to repay what he has borrowed, for the same reason as that for which he borrowed it in the first instance. Officers therefore bad better spend all they have, so that they may not have wey left to lend, or to get stigmatized as mean and shabby for not lending. Thus they will at least secure their money’s worth in pleasure, besides acquiring the name of fine fellows. It may even be expedient that they should notoriously exceed their means, to preclude all troublesome applications on the part of their comrades: and every officer should remember that it is his duty, on any emergency, to sacrifice his tailor. By carefully attending to the above suggestions, and acting otherwise in their spirit, the young officer ma hope to insure himself against being ulled out of beaten with an umbrella, set on a table in his night-shirt a to ge through the sword exercise naked, and ducked in his tub. “Apvice Gratis.”—What a chemist, or a friend, gene- Lieutenant Whobble (who has just been embodied). “Han! THis 18 SOMETHING LIKE! rally dispenses previous to dosing you with a quantity of INFINITELY BETTER THAN THE RIDICULOUS OLD CoatTegE!!” THE ROMANCE OF THE SECOND COLUMN, AccorptnG to the dismal inuendoes darkly shadowed forth in the second column of the Times, everybody seems to be abandoning every- body else, and the column in question ought to be regarded as a species of monumental column, sacred to the memory of those dear departed who seem to be continually running away from their wives and families. One day last week there was a fearful catalogue of absconded husbands and miscellaneous runaways. The following appeal is rather deficient in that romantic interest which usually pervades the second column of the Times ; and indeed it will be difficult for the most morbidly melancholy imagination to invest the advertisement with much ideality :— A W. (if this should be seen) is earnestly requested to COMMUNICATE +e immediately with J. H. M,, late of R—fus C—ttage, at Golden Cross Hotel, Charing Cross. The only really mysterious part of this advertisement is the omission of the » that is clearly necessary to complete the word “ Rufus,” and the still more unaccountable gap which is left between the C and the / in the word “ Cottage.” If the parties have no greater secret than how to spell Rufus and Cottage, they have pro right to take up a position amongst the crushed, the broken-hearted, the desolate, and the Goan for whom the second column of the Zimes ought to be kept sacred, The next article we have the pleasure of showing, as the linendrapers’ shopboys say, is replete with—with a—with—a—with—a all that sort of thing which we——but the reader, after drawing his own conclusion, may supply ours. J is the spirit of kindness, but proud, and knew pot what was J * revealed; if K. is the real quantity he wants to proceed, direction required. Post | Office, Dorking, Surrey. Address to real name. We should like an introduction to J., for if he is really the legitimate spirit of kindness” we should like to have an opportunity of mixing a little of this spirit with the current of the rather turbid stream of our “ Printed b y William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, and Frederick Mullett “vans, of No. 27, Victoria Street, in the Par in the County of Middlesex, Printers, at their Od@ice in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whivetriars im the City of Cuty of Londoa.—Sarvavar, August .6, 1954. physic ! own existence. We are sorry to hear he is “prond;” but we can only say that we are not proud, and shall be happy to make his acquaint- ance. It is natural enough that he should “ know not what is revealed,” for “the spirit of kindness” is not particularly knowing. A key to the next advertisement on our list would be very acceptable. T° A. W. CIN. 0.—ALL’s WELL; a lovely Baby. Advise, on seeing this, to the old address, No. 11, or No. 173. Who ean “Crx” be ?—and is the “lovely baby” the child of “Cry” ? —and is it desirable at any time to follow the counsel of “Crs” ?— and is not the “old address” of “Crs” a locality to which no respect- able person would think of making an application ? Betwixt me, you, the Ambassador, and his Post. WE read in the papers that a serenade was given at Madrid to Lorp Howpeyx. Now this is a slight mistake—it was not a serenade, but a charirari ; a regular, good, continental derisive charivari, given to the English Ambassador in honour of his absence from Madrid, as long as the revolution was going on, and in celebration of his heroic return directly the danger was over. This was the reason of the charivari, to which we have no doubt the Spanish pots and pans and marrow-bones and cleavers did every justice. But we suppose that Lorp Hownen is no worse than ourother Ambassadors. For ourselves, we always know when something of importance is going on in a foreign capital by the fact of the absence of the English Ambassador. Free Trade at the Tap. Tue closure of the public-houses on Sunday is treated by the Licensed Victuallers too much as if it were their question. We con- sider it as a matter that chiefly concerns the public, and in pe to the sale of food and liquor, we are advocates of the principle, which we wish to see applied universally, of Liberty without License. sh of St. Margaret and St. John, Westminster, both London, and Published by th m at No. %, Fleet Street, im the Parish of St. Bride, in the

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~— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | an African contour, aid in the disguise. | speedily suppressed me Diva aly \ ash OSS es NSS Ss IS ~ THE ATTITUDE OF PRUSSIA IN THE PRESENT CRISIS.’ Mr. Policeman Punch. “Now tuex, Str, you must MOovE— ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.” FLOWERS FROM THE WEST. Culled from the “ New York Scourge,” the “ New York Spy,” the “ New York Eaves-Dropper,” and other respected publications. (For- warded by an American contributor.) GeweraL Prerce. General Prence watches with more than the vigilance of Hanovw AL Rapscuip over the population committed to his charge. Even the henighted negroes are not deemed beneath the care of the President. In order fully to understand their wants and feelings, the General is in the habit, about once a week, of blacking himeelf ail over with best _ Japan blacking, and, in a check shirt and white trowsers, mingling among the negroes’ festivities after dark. His own features, being of : t dl Some merriment was excited by his presenting himself one evening in this costume at a brilliant party given by one of our Upper Ten Thousand, but any risibility was in admiration at the truly manly and republican hearing of the President, which no disguise could hide, and one of the fairest of America’s dai exclaimed, “She saw Old Prerce’s visage in his mind.” fastidious, bloated, crowned despot of Europe do the like ? Mr. Mancy. Our eminent Secretary of State, Mr. Mancy, is a pleasing instance of the superiority of native talent over acquired learning. Up to the age of forty-seven he could neither read nor write, yet he invariably dictated to his secretaries the most forcible and the most eloquent mee, which shame the puling and twaddling diplomatic “notes” of the old world. At the age of which we speak, Mn. Mancy, then on a visit to the Springs, succumbed to the fire of those weapons to which only a true American yields, the eyes of lovely woman. Un- willing to entrust his billets dour to a second hand, Mr. Marcy addressed himself to reading and writing, and with such success that in two days he was able to read fluently. At the end of the week he wrote his now celebrated and beautiful hand, unequalled throughout the Union—except by that of the marvellous writing-master, our Kiend Jernemian Downstroxe, 35, peste Kinth Street, right hand side, second bell, whose advertisement will be found in another part of our paper, but who is quite unaware that we indite these lines. | Ma. Bucwanay. Our despatch containing Vicrorta’s speech on dissolving her Congress (which seems to have done about as much as our own), men- tions that our envoy, Mr. Bucnanay, appeared among the am but ad guess seen ot Go “austere republicans who adopt rench fashions before they are heard of in ” That we go ahead in dress, as elsewhere, there can be no bt, and if we had chosen to deck Bucnaway in a fool’s uniform, we might have managed to gild it pretty handsome out of California. But the aristocratic English journals should know this, that Ma. Bucnanan was ordered not only to refuse to attend the Parliament, except in plain black, but to insist on his right of attendance in any costame he pleased, or none at all, and if the hanghty lord who had the arranging of the cere- mony made any difficulty, Mr. Bocuanan was ex commanded to be present in the clothes he wore when he was born. We wonder what the old world would have said to that. Cartam Hours. _ Our American hero, who has just signalized himself by the destruc- tion of Greytown, need not be afraid that the gallant deed will really injure his prospects with the government, although it may be necessary, by a show of displeasure, to warn other energetic spirits to wait for orders before burning down undefended towns. We have heard that when the news first reached the President, he exclaimed, “ Bravo, Hows!” and though Gewerat Prerce’s advisers have meanly age on to explain this spontaneous out into a censure, and to allege that the President said that Hotcrys had acted like a bravo, in destroying the unarmed and unsuspecting, we can say, confidently, to Hox.ins, “ Heads up, Hotty!” Ma. N. P. Writs. | This slavish sycophant of European aristocrats, whose few free and glowing sentiments were washed out of him by the essences besprinkled over him by the haughty dames of the Court of St. James's, has actually refused to lend the aid of a single puff to the books of a female relation of his, a true democrat, whose talents as far transcend his own as the mighty Niagara exceeds the Windsor waterfalls of which he is so fond. Such it is to become the convive of Countesses and the darling of Duchesses. If the Order of the Garter were offered us to-morrow at the price of our independence, we would kick the noble who proffered it, and tie up our washing with the ribbon. Not so N. P. Wits, who doubtless looks forward to that honour (?) the next time he prostrates himself before the throne at Kensington Palace. Let him show himself in it here, that is all. In the mean time we would call attention to the cheap and excellent edition of the works of the authoress in question, published by Bew Squossies next door to our own office. A Rrvat Eprron. | Jackson was the b’hoy. Yes, Siree, Jacksow was some in a bar fight. But what was Jackson to Jounsow, the elephantine Jounson, of the ae ? Rothing, Siree, ’pon our veracity. Why, the animal waddles past our door like one of the Rocky Mountains going to have omy with Chimborazo. What a pity that with all that flesh there should be so little brains. Read his article on the Nebraska compromise! J m! Snakes! We'll tell you how much it is. If the smallest gamin that sells our paper did not, at one kick’s notice, swarm up our editorial stool, and knock off a brighter bit than Jomy- son’s on Nebraska, we'd instantly put him under glass and send him to Barnum’s Museum, as the specimen of the greatest ass in the Union. At present that honourable title belongs to the Editor of the Slopjisticator, He is a bright b’hoy, and a ring-tailed roarer. ters, quoting from our celebrated bard, | When will a) THE MILITARY MARCH OF INTELLECT. In consequence of the practices revealed by a recent court-martial, we should not be surprised seeing in the 7imes some morning an advertisement to the following effect :— ILITARY EDUCATION.—A Gentleman, who has several vacancies in his Establishment, will be happy to receive a few young Gentlemen and Noblemen’s sons, and fit them in all the plish quisite for entering the Army. He is well versed in all the jokes that are practised in most regi- ments, and has flattering Testimonials of bis ability from several who have attained « high rank in the 46th. The art of drawing « Subaltern out of bed made free and easy in three lessons. Pum ping tanght from the living model, « tradesman’s son being kept expressly on the premi A Mess-table on the Military principle regularly at Six o'clock, where Military Conversation is encouraged in all its original purity and suevity. The Way of Sending a Brother Officer to Coventry shown by the aid of maps and 4 #0 as to be within the reach of the meanest capacity. Gam- bling, so tnd! to every gentleman of forte, « trifle extra—the pupil for the first three months paying his own losses. A Professor from Bux Cacwr's attends twice a week, to give lessons in Slang and the Use of the Gloves. For terms, &e., Address to “Now mt Riconpo,” Barrack Yard, Windsor. N.B. None but perfect gentlemen need apply. VOL. XXVIT. ted Ant tp i etn anh soe ~ a acta I alse nes imi H fi a) nage ena

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¥ oe be at — of : | - “ | THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE CZAR’S TWO FLEAS. Tar Czan ov Russia sitteth alone, And maketh a sad and grievous moan, And with his two hands doth his two ears squeeze, And crieth “ Alas these dreadfai fleas | ” As soon as his knaves from the Danube fled, A. whizaing he felt in his crazy head, And when the villains recrossed the Pruth, ‘1 ’ve a flea in my ear,” he cried, “ in sooth.” Whien Bomarsund in the Baltic fell, Twas a flea in the other ear as well, So he belloweth now, with groans and tears, [ have got a flea in both my ears,’’ THE BRITISH ARCH AHOLOGICAL SOCIETY. THosz = odd fellows . 9 the Archzolo- } gians have been enjoying the & rd annual “out” at Chepstow, where the river Wye has suggested a number of where- fores, to whic } the stream ha we hope given & wise answer. The savants have visited amoug other places a spot “ supposed to be the remains of an ancient priory, and now the site of pre- mises occupied by a wine mer- chant.” The visit to the wine mer- chant was natural and perhaps ex- cusable after a —e p long morning’s prowl among the old walls of Chepstow Castle, which was probably very dry work, but we disapprove of the paltry attempt to mix up a thirst for information with a thirst for something else, by the assump- tion that the wine merchaut’s establishment had been “formerly an ancient priory.” The report states that there was nothing to warrant the conclusion, ‘except some very dubious pieces of work in the cellarage;” but a dubious piece of work ina wine cellar, is not such an extraordinary thing after all, that it should be made the ground for attributing to the spot an extreme degree of antiquity. We believe that we are justified in stating that the Archeologians discovered a remarkably fine old brick in the person of the wine merchant. In the evening there was a meeting at the public rooms, “ for the purpose of reading and discussing papers,” but there was a difficulty in getting papers to diseuss, for the gentlemen who had kindly under- taken to read on the lively subjects of “ the Architecture of the Castle,” and “the Karls of Chepstow,” bad probably gone to sleep them- selves over the labours that were to have been the cause of sleep in others. The intended readers were too ill to make their appearance, and a Mr. WakeMaN—rather an inappropriate name by the way—kindly came forward with a few rough notes, to deliver a rough and ready dis- sertation on the walls of Chepstow. He commenced by remarking that having tumbled over some bricks, he concluded there had been a Roman road, and having seen some more bricks he thought there must have been a Roman wall, because there was no probability of there having been a Norman castle. He then seriall to smash Strone- BoW'S reputation as a famous archer—however adroit he might have been at drawing the long bow—and wound up in the usual way with apologising for what he had becn saying, The Archwologians dine together every day, and the Dux or Beavrort kindly sends them game—a rather superfluous piece of renerosity, considering how easy it would be for them to aul + game of each other. KING SMOKE. Kive Sauoxe was a vile old fellow, Fle suffered no sun to shine, As he spread out his veil so yellow, The woof of the coal-black mine. Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah ! for the coal-black mine, For the coal-black mine ! There ratled on him many a maiden, With “ blacks ” in her weeping eyne, And her toilet with soot o’erladen From the reek of the coal-black m Hurrah! &e. ne uc, The chemist applied all his learning, And the poet bewailed these woes, But their fuel men kept half-burning, Whence still the dark fumes arose. Hurrah! &c. They railed on the vile old fellow, Who smirched all our buildings fine, As he spread out his veil so yellow, The woof of the ecoal-black mine. Hurrah! &c. MORE MUSICAL QUACKERY. WE read in the A/hencum (advertisement. column, mind), that— R. W. VINCENT WALLACE, the eminent and popular composer of Maritana, &c., has jast arrived in this country from New York. Ile returns teeming verflowing with genius, as when he left our shores. ! N with freshness We are exceedingly glad to hear this, and especially that Mr. Wat- LACE is teeming with freshness, although we do not profess to under- stand either what this means, or what are the symptoms of the process. But as the gratifying announcement heralds another, to thé effect that certain music publishers are to issue to the public the freshness with which Mar. W. is teeming, we suppose that further particulars may be procured at their shop. Lucky that Ma. Waxtace is really a man of talent robust enough to survive the sickening quackery of the musical puff system. Earth and Water. A TerroTatter, who goes the whole hog, proposes to change the name, applied to a portion of the globe, of Temperate Zone, into that of Zone of ‘otal Abstinence. Bat another, who swallows bristles and all, —_ extend the territory of Total Abstinence over the whole world,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

| LATEST FROM PRUSSIA. | | (From out own Detective.)

upon to s

that tongue.

secruple in the | ensure :— Am—“ A Bumper of Burgundy fill, fll for me.” A bumper of Clicquot come fill, fill for me,

Since it only affecteth the brain. When war puts the people of peace in a funk, And friendly states claim our assistance, We’Il show that a king may get royally drunk, And keep sober sense at a distance ! m a bumper of Clicquot, &c.

CRITICISM ALL HOf. No superficial age, to see energetic sentiments put forth.

too much fire into his diction.

‘ less treat: . ECENTLY the war has given|+h. offence. which great employment to the}... - Gobemouches, and one of its heaviest taxes, perhaps, been the tax which they have laid upon our patience by the absurd have contrived to circulate. Stories without end have been raised upon the flim- siest foundation, and as lifie writers of reports letters of As a sa of the stuff which the “constant readers” lately have been called , it was the other morning stated, “on.the most reliable authority ” (an —~ | which we usually have found the mest liable), that the Kive or Prussia inci at length “given a of of his adhesion to the English. Being of coume exirinely suspicion of the “fast,” we ——— it our duty | as Reviser-General of the Press to dispatch at onee a oax-Detective | | to the Court of that (fi ) elevated Monarch, with instructions to sift out & a the matter h the sieve of his experience. Thanks to the Post despateh has been characterised by the very reverse of that quality, but the explamation we have been so long in receiving we will in brief communicate. It pt a bape that his Majesty has lately, in his more sober moments, been trying to cultivate am aequaintance with our language, and his “adhesion to the English” is, therefore, only a politer phrase to express his recent sticking to the study of ) The “*proof” which was spoken of is discovered to have been merely the printer’s “ proof” of some lines which his Majesty did lately by way of an exercise, and which, although printed “for private circulation only,” we do not least to make as fully publie as a place in Punch is certaim to There’s no drink can compare with Champagne ; } With the head that is empty twill ne’er disagrec, person expresses himself with more real strength than Mr. Punch, and | although he is not absurd exough to expect that the writings of anybody else should | exhibit that exquisite mixture of intensity and elegance which renders his teaching | at once the instruction and the delight of mankind, he is never displeased, in a| But there ¢s a limit to all} things, and he cannot but think that the editor of the Shropshire newspaper, out | of which Mr. Punch extracts the following declaration, is inclined to infuse almost | ‘ The writer in question is complaining that a certain | Mr. Hav’s Musical Entertainments were not sufficiently patronised in Shrewshury. : Whether Hay did not make himself when the sun shone, or whether those ‘ who took the Liwp-fever are proof against al! other complaints, including the | . Hay fever, we are not aware, but Me. Hay was not successful, and thus the! f delinquents are castigated :—

uy

“ The proud Salopians must be very poor, or very shabby, to hold back under these Pea or there is an absence of all spirit in Shropshire, except where eating and drinking are concerned. The mind appears to be quite asecondary consideration, and the belly the all-absorbing object of the <aiene an are ginin waste, but not one whit the less true. Were we Mu. Hay, we would see | ¢ town of Shrewsbury, and the county, d——, befo id toil, and sustain | pte — . ; /‘ ‘ore we would toil, and sustain less, for such an Now, we are not, of course, so well informed as the Salopian journalist, as to what kind of remonstrance is most effective with readers in the proximity of the Wrekin, but brief sojourms in the county of Salop have left upen our minds the impression that somewhat more gracious words might be appropriately ~on such an occasion. The proud Salopians seemed to us to be, generally has they P'°-| mode to please the Shre ion, “OUT to him to obtain i own Correspondents may | in wrth Me | ag = be almost said to have! of provincial j

speaking, affable, courteous to strangers, and as intelligent as provincials are likely to be; and really, even though one of their own body chastises them with scorpions after this fashion, we feel inclined to protest against such merci- ment. The punishment certainly exceeds we take to be the staying away from |some concert. Now our friend the indignant “ Man from | Shropshire” may take it from us, that any entertainment |which the public does not patronise is not worth the patronage of 1 an entertainment is to entertain, and people know quite well whether they are likely to be en or not. _And so, if we are not taking too great a liberty, we would ‘respectfully hint that the Shropshire oritie would better serve Har, by painting out to him the most likely wsburians, than by suggesting sight which we trust is not ible that the character mi be improved by a little amenities cultivated by the

iare at ~ Hanover Square " provincials our ow-creatures, an entitled to be treated with as much humanity as we demand for ourselves? Echoanswers in the ive, and we beg to transmit her answer for the consideration of our Shrop- shire contemporary. ——_-————— - f

A PLEA FOR THE PEWTER. Some folks have a @kin that’s marvellous thin, And Baresonsgs they revere : And it’s sinful 7 moisten one’s clay With a drop beer. Some folks, it’s true, prefer to look blue a joke or a langh they hear; Their house of call is Exeter Hall, And their tipple is tea, not beer. Now I’m no teetotallere, Though a temperance course T’d steer, And down I’!l cough Mr. Orator Govan, Whenever he talks against beer. Some folks at their feasts will make themselves beasts, And home zig-zag will steer : Bands of Hope let them follow, and pledges swallow, And Orator Govan go hear ; ~~ - I can raeenl good e , yet noddle clear, I can’t culedind abe you thrust your hand Betwixt me and my Sunday beer. All the week at my work [ stand likea Turk From beginning to end of the year ; And on Sundays I rest, and put on my best, And at chureh I always appear. Bat the parson I go to hear Don’t feel called to interfere With my afternoon walk, and tea-garden talk With a friend or two over our beer. Heaven gave malt and hops, as well as slops, And to me it’s ectly clear, ; As the rich have their wine, so the poor, when they dine Were meant to enjoy their beer. The Vine Rhenish folks may cheer, And Hollands is good for Mynheer : And the Briton bold shall never be told There ’s sin in a drop of good beer ! For my part I think both in meat and drmk, "Tis abuse, not use, we should fear ; Enjoying of each what ’s within our reach, ith thankfulness sincere. So as I don’t mean to come near Your cordials and queer ; Live and let live, pray ; and go your own way, But don’t come between me and my beer.

Se. the public. The business of the contriver of

- w he

.

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a a 56 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON Le THE MOUSTACHE MOVEMENT. MASTER SMITH, AS HE APPEARED TRYING TO FORCE HIS MOUSTACHES FOR THE BROWNS’ PARTY. THE CAPTURE OF BOMARSUND. | From the Invalide Russe. | Bomarsunp is a pig-sty, which, by order of the Empzror, whose | provident care extends over the meanest of his subjects, was fortified with a forty-eight pounder. Foreseeing that the combined French and English fleets would carry out the tactics they have all along pursued, by endeavouring to destroy this little piece of private property, the Conimander of the troops at Cronstadt sent a force of ten men, under | the command of Corporat Kickemorr, to defend it from invasion. The approach of the Allied Fleets speedily demonstrated the wisdom of these measures of precaution. As soon as they came within range, the Corporal opened fire upon them, and quickly sank several of their largest vessels with his single gun. For many hours Kickemorr and his gallant soldiers sustained an unequal combat with the French and English under a tremendous but iil-directed shower of shot and shells. One of the latter at last set fire to the thatch of the fortress ; and under the cover of their guns the enemy succeeded in effecting a landing, not however without the loss of several hundred men who were shot by three riflemen of Kickemoryr’s force. As the fort had troop was ultimately overpowered by superior numbers, and made an honourable surrender, with the loss of one man killed, and two wounded, including the brave Kickemorr, who lost his little finger. As the savage Britons were loading him with chains, the gallant captive you!” his intrepid band is ill pengenesies for by the destruction of nine of the enemy’s ships ; but his Imperial Majesty consoles himself with the reflection that he has a hundred million subjects in Russia as good as they, and has ordered a 7e Dewm to be sung on account of the damage they inflicted on the enemy. The ten ships lost by the Anglo-French were first class men-of-war, all of them having the peculiarity of being rigged with sails of buckram, no outworks, its only intrenchment lying in the bog-trough, our little | exclaimed, “Oh England, England, 1 hardly expected this from | The loss to the Ewprror’s service of the brave Kickemorr and | WHO SHALL DECIDE WHEN DOCTORS DISAGREE? It is really nauseating to witness the quantity of doctor’s stuff that is allowed to run down the columns of the newspapers. It will be necessary at last to proceed against the public press as a public nuisance if we have much more of the “foul and offensive matter ” circulating under our noses every day at our breakfast tables to an extent highly dangerous to the health, the patience, and the nerves of the reading community. If the doctors who write to the papers would agree in their prescriptions for cholera, the public might feel grateful — \for the trouble taken, but when one medical man’s “ infallible medicine ” is another medical man’s “ deadly poison,” and the specific of to-day is denounced as the fatal drug of to-morrow, we are puzzied and alarmed at the risk we run in following the doctors’ contradictory directions. The conclusion at which we have arrived is, that however | valuable the recommendation to “let well alone,” it is still more | desirable to “ Jet illalone,” if a sick man is subject to be poisoned by one or more of the numerous concoctions suggested in the newspapers by the medical practitioner. According to Monday’s pever such and such a dose is a sure safeguard against cholera, until ‘Tuesday’s print denounces the same mixture as death to all who takeit. “I have tried so and so with success,” says M.R.C.S., and “ it stands to reason so and so must prove fatal in a few hours,” rejoins an “M.D. of thirty years’ standing.” When doctors disagree their want of unanimity is indeed most wonderful. Jolly Companions Every One. A Svusscrirtion has been set on foot to pay the expenses of Ligvr. Perry’s defence against his recent persecution. One of his friends a little further than the rest, and says, “ I would purchase for him is company.” We doubt whether Lrzut. Perry would consent to this arrangement, for after reading the account of the insults and in- trusions to which he has been exposed, we have come to the conclusion that he cannot have found either his room or his company very | agreeable. |

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Re ae bn sn ania Se jie ae BGs eo a ee ¢ Oi a aaa ce aR She omeniecth Pomel Bead i a A WATER PARTY. Austra, “COME ON, PRUSSIA! IT’S SO JOLLY, AND THERE’S NO DANGER.” September, 2, 1554.) (Puncu, No. 686,

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rs “ ; .

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| They ’re Cubas; and although the question may Scenz.——S¢. Petersburg. 4 Room in the Palace. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 89 SOME. VERY PETIY SESSIONS. ome of the Sessions held in the country are generally termed Petty, and after perusing the annexed extract from a Shropshire paper, the reader will admit that the Sessions sometimes fully de- serve their name for Pettiness. “ Aw Exrewarve Torsre.—Saaap Pracrice.— Tomas Pre, a respectable young man, in the employ of Ma. Samue. Comper, Biacksmith, of Park Street, Wellington, was charged (before the Rev. H. Burrow alone) with stealing a turnip, of the value of one hal/penny, the pro perty of Sr. J. C. Cuanitrow, Esq. Defendant was taking a walk on the footpath through the field, with others, on Sunday evening last, when he pulled up the turnip in question. He was observed by Jonw Liorp, shepherd to Me. Cuar.row, and for this grave offence, de fendant was taken into custody and locked up the same evening. The turnip being grubby he threw it down again, without eating it. Defendant expressed his contrition for the offence. The Kev. Ma. Burrow, after lecturing the prisoner upon the serious character of the offenee, and the consequent disgrace on his employer, fined him 10s. with 3s. expenses, and a halfpenny the value of the turnip, making a total of 13s. Old. Ma. Caanwrow stated that he had lost a great number of turnips, and was determined to make an example of the first he caught. The money was paid. During the hearing ot this case Ma. Caan ros withdrew from the bench.” In the first place the offence—such as it was—~may be termed petty enough, though the reverend magistrate, putting on the magisteri magnifying ginsses, was able to deseant on its enormity. With the enlarged sympathies of respeetability, the reverend leeturer felt less for the eulprit himself, who had to endure the punishment due to the guilty act, than for the respectable employer, who was doomed to suffer the disgrace: of having in his employment a wretch that could pull up a grubby turnip, and throw it down again. We commenced by saying that the whole affair was truly petty, but we must be allowed to with- draw the expression as far as the penalty is concerned, for the amount of the fine, when compared with the offenee, may be considered as the very reverse of pettiness. THE CZAR AND HIS COUSIN JONATHAN. SCENE FROM THE RUSSIAN GENTLEMAN. An Gnfinished Drama. The Emprror oF Rossi, the Gaanp Duke Constantive, aad Dr. Tuomas Corrt- MAN, seated. At the elbow of each, on a malachite table, sherry cobbler, CotrMan smoking a cigar with his heels elevated on the back of a chair, Emp. Yes, Doctor, in this world there are two forms Of Government, and but two possible, Your own, and ours. You, an enlightened people, Are capable of self-rule; each of you A Sovereign is whose subjects are himself. Cottm, And Niggers. Emp. Yes; and Niggers. Unripe for institutions such as yours, As yet do need a master. Cottm. I expect There just this difference is ’tween you and we, Yourn is white Niggers, Emperor, ourn is black. You owns more slaves. than we do. mp. Even so. Cottm. And you and we are near about as like, As eowhide is to knout. Emp. And both combined— Cottm, Will flog creation— Grand D, And the Britishers. Cottm. Grand Duke, you’re right. I tell you what, Grand Duke, You talk exactly like a reg’lar Yankee, Though,in your silks you stand but five feet five, You ’d pass for one on Broadway—that ’s a fact ; Now, Emperor, hand us a cigar. Emp. Bat our Russians, Try these. (Passes cigar case.) Appear superfluous—Do you smoke ? . Cottm, _ ; Wal, yes, mperor, I rather speculate I do. in. Well, Doctor, now ’s your time to take your Cuba You shall do so; and I, in the meanwhile, vs _ Will help myseif to Turkey. Cottm. Here’s a light ! | Emp. Thanks, Doctor, for the candle you propose To hold to Nicnoxas. Grand D. Those Britishers Would Nicnotas corrupt to a nickname, Whereby the miscreants do miscall my sire. Consume the dastards ! Cottm. Dastards, cowards, curs, Rascals and scoundrels, loafers, possums, ’coons ! Grand D, Nation of hucksters, pedlars ! Emp. Shopkeepers ! Cottm, The mighty Russian Eagle, I compute, At Cronstadt and Sebastopol, right slick, Will chaw the mangy British Lion up. Enter the @aaxp Ducness Man. Wal, Emperor, wal, Grand Duke, F call’ that there The finest gal in Europe: Grand Duch, , pray How are your patients? And have you ibed This physic for Papa and Constawtiem The Doctor his own medieine takes, D see; So I suppose it must be rather niee. Cottm, Taste it, Grand Duchess, (Offers his glass awd straw. She takes a suck. Grand Duch. Oh. how very good! (Returns glass and straw, Cottm. VY) keep that straw. 1) ‘never part with it: BaRNu® —e me something for the straw Which the Grand Duehess sucked her cobbler through, But he sham’t have it. Grand Duch, Go along with you ! I will not stay and let you make me vain, you doctor. Cottm. Wal, time flies, The hour has come for me, likewise, to say The word of parting, and absquotulate. So, about Sitka ? Emp. Tell your Government That they shall have it cheap; at their owmpriee, T’ll sell it at a loss, so that | may The Yamkee thorn plant im the British» side. | Cottm, od bye, Emperor, and good bye, Gramd Duke ; | Your I will take to Gawena. Prence. And may we strike a bargain. You, meanwhilst, Will lick them cussed Britishers, I hope, Into a tarnal and immortal smash, Whittle down all their greatness to a pint, Scuttle their island, ’nihilate Jouw Buu, And of his catawampous carcase leave No more than an invisible grease-spot. Emp. Farewell ! Grand D. Adieu, most rich American. Emp. There goes a gull of Anglo-Saxon brood ; The dirty bird befouls his own old nest, Would he befouled that only! Ho, there! Put The windows up and fetch a mop or broom— In what a mess the wretch has made the room ! Exit, Seene closes, A REVIEWER REVIEWED. Tue Quarterly Review, in an article on the Drama, which seems to have been written from some reom in the neighbourhood of Wych Street, commanding a view of nothing but the Olympic, says that “ with less than a cubit added to his stature Ma. Rossow would be the first Shakesperian actor of his day.” We do not quite agree with the Quarterly critic, who measures genius by the foot rule, and believes that an actor may stamp bimself as first-rate by the aid of high heels to his boots. If Ma. Rossow requires nothing to make him a first-rate Shakesperian performer but a cubit added to his stature, he had better apply to Congrt, the builder, who would obligingly build up his fame by providing him with a pair of stilts. For ourselves, we are no admirers of the stilted style whieh the Quarterly reviewer appears to patronise, and we are quite satisfied to take Mn. Ronson as hic is without the “ magnificent addition,” as the showman would call it, of a few inches to his stature. AN “INDEX EXPURGATORIUS” FOR ENGLAND. BY CARDINAL WISEMAN. Aut the Daily Papers. All the Periodical Press, weekly or otherwise. All newspapers, exeepting the Tablet. All books, excepting Duw’s Theology. In short, all newspapers, papers, pamphlets, books, &c., excepting | bmitted to Carnpiwan Wiseman, and such as have been previously su approved of by him. = = Ca a alee eee Alle ae ace -

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° os eal ee er of “Never auRRY a Pike, Coarntes; OLD Watton sayYs, ‘Give HIM TEN MINUTES | to Gorge als Barr.” Hg was HAD FIVE ALREADY.” LOOK OUT FOR YOUR LIBERTY. Sarp Jonw Buuw’s man of measures, or Tailor, to Jonny, “Sir, your sleeves are too short—let me put these cuffs on,” “ Cuffs ?” quoth Joun, “ yes, they seem just like handcuffs to me, | For instead of a button they ’re closed with a key : Well; they ’re not locked together—my hands are still free.” lo Jouw Butt said his Tailor, another fine day, Sir, your ancles want bracing—they ’re like to give way. Pray now, let me advise you these Gaiters to wear. Said Joun Bout, “Gaiters, eh? Pair of fetters I swear, But they ’ve no bolts or shackles—and so I don’t care.” Joun Bort danced in his fetters and dined in his cuffs, Meeting all observations thereon with rebuffs, Such as—“ Don’t talk to me about being confined, I am full and am lazy, I’ve danced and I’ve dined, Let me now go to sleep—for a nap I’m inclined.” Joun Butt slept, and was plunged in a slumber most sweet, Whilst his Tailor the gaiters and cuffs did complete ; Joun Butt woke hand and foot irretrievably bouna, And unable to stir, being chained to the ground, While his cries for release with stern laughter were drowned. Sunday Bills are the handcuffs with which we begin, On pretence of preventing the evils of gin ; To keep sots from their swill we are liquorless made, And we suffer the Government thus to invade Both our freedom of action and freedom of trade. And the fetters are trammels, which soon will, unless We look out very sharp, be imposed 6n the Press. The first step its liberty destined to cramp May be taken by some Jesuitical scamp With a little more rigour by pressing the Stamp. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. BRACKISH THOUGHTS. By owr Man on the Shingles (waiting in wrath for a Bathing-Machine), | Tat snob who keeps me waiting so long, while he is dressing after his bath, should not be judged harshly. He | is probably some counterjumper, who is usually obliged to dress in five minutes. Perhaps, too, the machine is more eoppennes than such a wretched lodging as he can afford to hire. Those women have left the water three quarters of an hour, and are still in their machine. ‘They are romping. How vulgarly they laugh. Doubtless, too, they are dowdies, and after bungling over their toilette for an age, will come forth, blowzed and looking as if their lady’s maid had been | | being kept here. The ass who swims worst is always the one who bawls in the water, waddles about, splashes idiotically, and keeps his betters out of the machine. A gentleman plunges in, takes his swim in silence, aud dresses rapidly. Women are all cheats. Those women have cheated me out of my turn, and the woman who keeps the machine pretends to think it is all right. { hope, for her sake, that the season will be short ; and very cold. Those ugly women who went in last would make more haste, but they think the two pretty girls near me are waiting, and so in sheer spite they are doing their hair here | instead of going home like ladies, and doing it in their bed | rooms. {f hope they will catch colds. How that child shrieks in fear of the sea! But | hear the mother slapping it, and thrusting it in. And yet they say women are tender-hearted. I would see the little beast at Jericho before I would expose myself to hear such noises. There it screeches again. People have no right to annoy others by causing such yells—if they must torture the brat, why don’t they have a tub at home. [Here the Bathing mistress beckons him. I don’t think it is my turn, (aside) but I’ll have it. And as I have been kept so long, I see no reason for treating others better, and so— {Enters the machine, leaving his successors to think similar thoughts for the next half hour. For the Press may be easily chained by degrees. The rat has already his tusks at the cheese. At St. Martin’s Hall, lately, was heard such a rat, All so stealthily, covertly, niobling at that, Underneath the broad brim of a Cardinal’s hat. To be earnest in any way—care to bestow, Save on stomach and skin may be dreadfully slow. *T would be slower if we like our neighbours behaved, With their lips all unshorn—of their liberties shaved— And became, like the nations around us, enslaved. ‘OFFICERS’ WITNESS DRILL, OR FORTY-SIXTH EXERCISE. | Tuts drill is practised in a room, which, in military phraseology, is | called the Mess Room, but to which, perhaps, with greater propriety, might be applied the collegiate term of Combination Room. The fellows, that is to say the officers of the regiment, having met therein, ostensibly for the purpose of auditing the mess accounts, but really for that of being drilled Martial Law, through the following exercise :— Handle Book ! Lies Right! Kiss Book ! Lies Left! Return Book ! Lose Memory! Stand at Ease! Recover Memory! Attention to Question ! Charge Memory ! Weigh Question ! Ground Oath ! Parry Question ! Shoulder Oath ! Right Shirk ! Make Ready Oath! Left Sneak! Present Oath! Right-about Wheel ! Swear !! Left-about Face ! | = See | | Tas Parvare Orrwion or tae Emperor Nicworas.— “If I were | not the Czar of all the Russias, I would be the President of the United | States.” — According to Dr. Cottman, a pitchfork. I hope they will, and thus revenge me for | to give evidence, are put, by a Serjeant at | i }

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 91 VAUXHALL IN THE SULKS. s grass cocked bats of the away Cronstadt into at |—more than usually enlightened durmg the season by twenty-five thousand additional lamps— had secured the Ltalian Brothers, who had bound themselves by the ties of a stringent engagement to bind themselves to the car of a certain balloon by the stringent ties of certaim bandages fastened to their feet, by which they were to hang suspended in the air with their heads downwards. sons of the south had it seems made a profession amd a@ practice of this upside down or topsy-turvy proceeding, and they had frequently delighted a generous British public with this imminent risk of their lives, and by permitting their existence to hang upon a thread at a surprising altitude. It is true that there have been a few deaths from experiments in ballooning, but this fact, it must be admitted, so far from depriving the affair of the features of a public amusement, had tended rather to heighten the zest with which the display was looked for by an enlightened English assembly. The police, however, having other duties besides those of encouraging a refed taste for what certamly may be called in one sense the highest style of art, and remembering that several deaths had occurred for the amusement of the British public by ballooning iments, felt called on to step in and interdict what we may be justified in calling this “ brilliant display of assman- ship.” The proprietor of the gardens became so indignant at this interference with an earnest desire to “eater for the public amusement,” t he in a fit of the sulks has cat short his season, and written a letter of indignant remonstrance to the Zimes newspaper. The Italian Brothers are so shoeked by the denial of their night to risk their lives, that they have appealed to the Secretary of State, and if there were any Italian nationality, we might possibly be involved in a. war with Italy. These remarkable specimens of suspended ani- mation had it seems recently purchased a balloon for the more complete enjoyment of the luxury of hanging by their | to the bottom of the car, and their disgust is extreme at finding that the words of the poet— “ T, eurely, in a country that fs free, May kill myself if it se pleases me,” are but the idle dreams of the rhapeodist, and not the calm declaration of a right admitted by the British Government. We must however be content to dispense with dur evenings at Vauxhall for the vest of the season, and the London publie must learn to bear as it best can the deprivation of not being allowed the risk of a brace of brothers tumbling down from a height of some thousands of feet into the middle of some public thoroughfare. Perhaps the brothers may in their ealmer moments reflect that however anxious they may be to run the risk of pitching on their own skulls, there may be other skulls—not qnite so thiek —underneath the balloon, which are not so eager to be pitched upon. THE SUNDAY TRAVELLERS’ CLUB. To temper the New Beer Bill to Sunday excursionists, it is proposed to establish an udequate number of Travellers’ Clubs; since clubs are exempt from the restrictions of that enactment, and it allows beer to be served to travellers. Each Club will consist of from four to six persons who, however, will have power to add anybody who chooses to be added, to their number. They will besides, individually possess the privilege of introducing a friend, or as many friends as they please, whether gentlemen or ladies, into the Club, to enjoy a temporary participation, for an indefinite period, in the advantages of its membership, which will include the use of any of the Club apartments, and = — to be supplied with any species of refreshment provided by the Club, at the usual ‘ub prices. | _ A member of the Club will be in"constant attendance in the Hall, or where there isno Hall, in the Passage, to admit visitors. The ceremony of admission will be simply that of putting HE proprietor of Vauxhall has shut up id ea in a huff, extinguished every one of his | twenty-five thousand additional lamps, turned out his hermit , put away all the stowed | i 2 gf i , ham that Waters, the 5 wad. Se wales Ge olbiented Chambermaid if necessary. The terms of sub- ime uiry as to authenticity, down on a slate, which | will be suspended forthat parpose against the wall. Buildings to serve for Club Houses have been already erected, comprising the various premises hitherto called and known by the name and sign of the Crown, the King’s Arms, the Goose and Gridiron, the Cat and Fiddle, and other the like appellations. The Club will consist of the Land the | Boots, the Head Waiter, and the Ostler of the jestablishment ; to whom will be added other able-boy, and the Landlady and scription will be One Farthing per Annum : no entrance Fee. Visitors will not be called upon for amid showers any subscription whatever. A smoking room will works by night, and i of fre. offer its steneihens in every room in the house at the gas work. dee except the apartments reserved for private partics. Should any legal difficulty be thrown in the way of the above arrangements, the Club will consti- tute itself a regular Club, by appointing a Com- ittee, consisting of the Boots ami the Ostler, bwith the Landlord for Chai who will be re- The reason for this abmupt|sponsible for all the Club’sliabilities. Anybody closing of the establishmeyt m/| will be eligible to beeome amember a hot week of fine weather, is}motice, by being balloted for by the already exist- im a letter that ag-jing members, and the requisite facilities for at a moment’s prompt election will be afforded two or more i b the 2ist of August. Tt seems) of them athading vibes blackballs, at the Club that the propmeter in oe The will be kept o during such hours as the convenience of the Public may require; and to preclude the possibility of an an enlightened British public} mistake, the words“ ALL Tnasuiizne’ Cavs” will be painted) in large letters-over tie door. ; A BALTIC BROADSIDE. a gages , lads, runmion, sponge, ramimner : With round aid grape and canister To the muzzle cram her ! Run her smartly out, my lads ! Captain !—lay her level ! Soon we'll blow, no doubt, my lads, | Oxp Nicx to the Devil. Fire away ! Tis an honest gun, my lads,— Gallan 8 to- man it ! Bout their ears, like fun, my lads, Topple down the granite. Russmn guns are quakers, \ads,— Russian walls are rubble ; Russian troops are shakers, lads,— Russian strength a bubble ! Fire away ! Spite of rock and reef, my. lads,— Spite of shoal and wi Show the odds on British beef Match’d with Russian tallow. For chance of wp lads, They’re too to risk it, If it give their gullets, Inds, Lots of pork and biscuit. Fire away ! If a messmate full, my lada, By shot or shell or splinter, Greenwieh finds for all, my lads, A snag berth for life’s winter. If a man, by death, my lads, ’s number, mess’s . In cheers he yields his breath, my lads, Aud mnards his slumber. we away, While your steady fire, my lads, Through his forts is dizgiug, = - + till he tire, my lads, Spoil our upper rigging. Hurrah: !— From thefr towers, my lads, Signal of surrender ! God bless Quarw Vicrorta,— And more victories send her. | the visitor’s name and address, under the denomination of Traveller, without any particular Hip !—Harrah !

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SNe all . ee ee eee Ye } loose morals of Reynoids, and other worse than worthless literature.” 92 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. John Thomas, “1 tTeLL You wHat, WILtIAM—THE PRESS MUST BE PUT DOWN; THEY'VE BIN | AND Got THE So_prers’ UNIFORM ALTERED, AND I SHOULDN'T WONDER IF THEY CALLED | OURS RIDIKLUS NEXT!” SANCTIFIED SLANDER UPON PUNCH. A whiter, who appears to be an adept in the pseudosophy of Cant, | has been perpetrating an article, whence the following 1s an extract, in the Bnaglish Journal of Education :— “There are two very clear dangers to which boys are liable to be exposed on a Sunday. The first is the very palpable and glaring one ot temptation to forget that it is a holy day as well as a holiday. It is very sad and grievous to think of the shock that a young boy's moral system must receive when he emerges from the too tightly laced apron-strings of a religious home into the atmosphere which hails the day on which our Lord overmastered Death with the broadsheet of Bell's Life, Punch, the The Journal that admitted the foregoing remarks may call itself the English Journal of Education ; but, as far at least as they go, it is, in the strongest sense, un-English. The unhappy Scribe, and Pharisee, who penned those illiterate and absurd observations, represents a boy as emerging from apron-strings, as if apron-strings were the ocean, ora | river, or pond, or other receptacle coataining fluid in which it was ssible for the youth to have been plunged. We should like to see im emerge, himself, from the sink of folly and impertience, at the bottom of which he now flounders. In the meantime he may con- tribute to the public amusement by explaining how a home, religious | or profane, can wear an apron, and how the strings of any apron, | whether worn by a home or a housemaid, or even a bishop, can be laced, | unless by being adorned with lace. Also by stating the composition of that atmosphere which is capable of hailing a day otherwise than by hailing for twenty-four hours, and which must consist of other and very different elements than oxygen and nitrogen, with an admixture of aqueous vapour and carbonic po Further, given an atmosphere that can hail a day without a hailstorm, by showing how the atmosphere desecrates the day by hailing it with Punch ; a work which shocks no moral system but a weak one, and, like electricity, shocks only to in-| vigorate that. | So far from containing aught calculated to shock the moral system of | a bor, these s are characterised by a scrupulous reverence for | childhood, as this person, who abuses them, would know if he had ever | PUNCH’S OWN RAILWAY. Tus snug little suburban line occasionally makes a mild demand on public attention, by a sort of popgun-like proceeding known as the issuing of its anual yo which is usually accompanied with a very little smoke, and some- what less fire. ay ae | is on the smallest possible seale; and the rolling stock includes a garden roller, which is kept for the purpose of rolling the gravel wale te the side those pry Moa me the ve a of the Company. e y of the railway is understood to have ae increased ; but there has been a loss of one engine and two buffers,—the former bemg the moral engine which the Company once possessed in the sup- port of a now apathetic press; and the latter consisting of two old buffers who have got better places, alter having been for some years in the service of the line as gardeners. The balance at the bankers’ has been aug- mented by a few pounds, and the goods treffic is nearly eight ounces more this year than it was last—an increase which, considering the level of former times, may be considered feverish. Of coals there is a scuttle more in the Company’s cellars than there was in 1853; and the Directors urpose that this surplus shall not be disturbed, but that it shall be added to the “rest,” and carried over to the credit—the very great credit —of the Company. The engineer of the line has inspected the boilers, and reports that “ the concern is not yet out of hot water, nor likely to be for some time to come:” nor have the law proceedings been brought to a termination. Thanks were voted to the chairman, who had lent a Bath chair for a visit of the resident director to the terminus. A NOBLE SACRIFICE, In order to ensure fine weather for the Harvest, Mr. WaRrpe wt has closed Vauxhall. ; | read them. One would think that the “atmosphere” which he is in the habit of breathing is one of very strong tobacco-smoke and fumes | of beer, whereof the effect has been to muddle his understanding and confuse his style. A man must be inavery extreme state of pipes and ale to commit such a wretched attempt at a pun as that involved in the antithesis of holy day and holiday—a pun betraying a peculiar disregard of Dr. Jounson. If the punster is not capable of picking a pocket, he is evidently quite capable of robbing others of their | good name. We will not “shock” the feelings of our readers by more than | alluding to the equivocal construction consequent on the misplacement | of the preposition “with” inthe concluding sentence of the paragraph | above quoted. We advise the professor of education to educate himself before he puts any more of his discourses into print, and should recom- mend him, for the present, to deliver them only from his pulpit, which we would suggest might consist of a cinder-heap in a low neighbour- hood, if the man were fit to preach anywhere. BOMARSUND TO BEGIN WITH. Srvc of the gallant Baltic Fleet Which, with our French allies, did beat, Thrash, whack, whop, wallop, and contund The enemy at Bomarsund. With speedy news of the downfal Of Cronstadt and Sebastopol, May Nicwotas’s ears be stunned : And I wish he had been at Bomarsund ! Prussia's Last. Tue Krxce or Prussta, in a moment of hilarity, was heard to” say that “he ’d join any campaign if they put a 4 in it.” Printed by William Bradbu in the County of Midd the Oity of Londom.—Sarvapa, September 2, 1*54 , of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pemeras, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 27, Victoria Street, in the Parish of St. Mergaret and St. John, Weetmineter, a, Printers, at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precimet of Whitefriass,ia the City of Leadon. , and Publixhed by them at No. 36, Fleet Street im the Parish of St. Bride, both i=

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A FINALE TO AN OPERA. . HAT the annexed finale may be understood, it will be necessary that the following explana- tory argument should be perused with some attention. The action of the post ped a9 jae in Jrury e, and opens with a grand flourish of trumpets. ‘The Thea- tre having just been taken by a bold and enterprising chief, at the head of a very on lant band, who consented to become instrumental—and vo- cal—to the views of their leader, the popu- lace are seen rushing : forward with eager curiosity, and they re- E cognise in Caradori— the heroine—an Italian lady, whose talents had already excited admira- | tion and interest. Everything proceeds merrily for some time, and large masses of | people are seen advancing with contributions of gold and silver, till a slight | murmur of discontent arises in consequence of a mysterious demand from the | direetor—a dark figure in the back-ground—of an increase of twelvepence a head | from a certain section of the contributors. This throws a gloom over the scene, which is searcely dispelled by the appearance of Pavesi, a young Italian tenor, who is destined to become the hero of what is to follow. We have omitted to allude to the part taken by a German of imposing aspect, and considerable power, who, under the well known name of Formes, had entered on the scene, and by the influence of his voice and character—or characters, for he could assume several —had partly reconciled the people to pay the increased tax which the director | —the dark figure in the back-ground—had imposed. The Second Act opens rather cheerlessly in a sort of desert with a large ther- | mometer standing at 80 in the shade, and a number of liveried box-keepers openin | the doors of vacant boxes for the admission of what little air may be wafted | through every gaping aperture. A burning heat gives languor to the whole band, ; and throws a damp—in the shape of perspiration—on the countenances of all | concerned. The Second Act soon comes to a close, the curtain itself dropping | from mere exhaustion. The Third Act opens in a Jew Attorney’s Office, with a sort of Marche ; diabolique, which conducts to the scene of the Judges’ Chambers, where a concerted | piece ensues, introducing the taking of the oath and the issuing of the writ; con- | cluding with a Chorus of Tipstaves, who proceed to the abodes of Caradori and Pavesi. In the next Scene we find the heroine and the hero locked—not | in each other’s arms—but in the Maison d’ éponge, or Sponging House, to which Ry | | they have been consigned, by certain machinatiors, in which a regular machinist | | is supposed to have taken part. After some rather mysterious action in what is | called a carpenter’s scene, the stage represents the Police Court at Bow Street, and the finale begins. Zzrico, a Podesta, is seated on the Bench of Justice, sur- | rounded by his officers, and at the Bar stands // Falegname, who had taken the | oath in the previous scene. In the foreground are two lawyers, both bearing the | name of Lagi, but belonging to different houses; one representing the much- | respected a Luigi Piazza d’Eli, near the celebrated Giardino d’ Hattone, and the other being Laigi della Piazza d'Oro, or Golden Square. The Finale commences with a striking piece of Recitative by Luigi della Casa | who informs Enrico, the Podesta, that Caradori, the heroine, has been place in captivity on the oath of J/ Falegname, who swore that she was about to depart for Germany in J/ Falegname’s debt. The following is the text of a portion of this | grand Recitative :— ’T was at dread midnight’s sad and awful hour She fell within the Sheriff’s deadly power, The victim of an oath—which had averred She owed a debt of which she ’d never heard. Ah me! oh horror! how shall I reveal The truth that justice bids me not conceal. Semiramis, great Nino’s widowed spouse, Was led ignobly to a sponging house. Cuorvs. Oh us! Oh horror! How shall we reveal The truth that justice bids us not conceal. And was Semiramis, great Nino’s spouse, Hurried ignobly to a sponging house ? Luigi petta Piazza v’Oro. Though to condemn the act all may incline, Ye Powers! it wasn’t any fault of mine. Tue Popesta. Thy views I cannot share—the Sheriff’s slave Will always guidance from the lawyer crave, But let me hear the gentle lady’s story. Uw Uriciare, Silence in Court for Mapame Caraport! Caraponrt (advancing to the witness bow). REcITATIVE. T came across the seas—my only views Have been the British me ic to amuse ; I ne’er had come at all if I had known Into a jailor’s hands I should be thrown. Arr (con molto espressione), Oh, hear me, Justice, while I swear, As here alone I s i I never said I did prepare To quit this pleasant They led me forth, I knew not why, Took me, I knew not where, Deprived me of my liberty, Regardless of my prayer. Yes, thus they treated me, although I nothing owed, and told them so, Tue Popersta. Oh, can it be? I did not understand ‘This was the practice of my native land ; To drag to jail before you make a claim. Lurer petta Piazza v’Oro. Tis often done, Sir. Tue Popesta. : Is it ?—more’s the shame. But now ’tis getting late. The day doth wane, The evening shadows fall on Drury Lane ; The Covent Garden columns in a row Stand darkly out beneath the portico, Louier petta Casa. | Yes! Night advances! On the startled ear Fall cries of “ waiter!” from the cookshop near, ‘The ham-and-beef shop now begins to feel The public pressure for the evening meal ; The clubs begin to serve the second joint— Louier petta Piazza D'Oro. Those observations to adjournment point. Grayp Crorvs. Though with ardour we burn For justice and right, It were best to adjourn The proceedings to night. Tae Popesta. And if my advice the defendant will take, Some fit compensation he ’ll rapidly make. Granv* Cuorvus. Though with ardour we burn, &c. The Curtain falls. A Scotch Monster. A STARTLING paragraph North British Mail. It was Monster Bean. The ‘only Monster Bean that we had ever before heard of as | being produced by North Britain was the Monster Sawney | Bean. We were relieved to find that this was a cultivated instead of a savage bean; a regular bean: a bean of quite a different kidney from Sawwey. THE FASHION AT’THE SEASIDE. Tue Blackguard Donkey Boys at , if stopped by a lady with a huge green blind oie attract her notice by screaming out, “ Now then, Ugly!” peared the other day in the VOL, XXVII.

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: ieee. oe angen A dey = a ao iene soe genie tat SOD Though he take me to the station—bring me up before the beak— 94 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | Let them send me to the tread-mill—’tis exeitement that I seek. Let it come in any form policeman—station—beak or mill, ComMRADES— you are off on pleasure} here forlorn ; Not 1s house where | I can dime at— nothing open but Cremorne. | All my friends | have gone and| left me; all I} knowj are far a- I must linger | Let it come and sw Serves him right for thus deserting his poor Aught but this bare, blank existence—tis a horse enough to kill! me with it : though the governor should frown ; in town ! CORONERS AND RAILWAY COMPANIES, (Specially Reported.) An investigation into the causes of the last accident (but eleven) way : a4 country moors ; They have shut up all the clubs, and they have opened all the sewers. Gone from Rotten Row the dandies—gone the neatly got-up grooms ; Gone the pretty riding-habits; gone the quiet little broughams. Hot and hard the length of gravel, for the water-carts are done ; What am I that [ should murmur, being but a younger son ? Being but a Treasury Clerk, to whom existence is a bore ; Working for a wretched pittance, every day from ten to four. In the season, there’s"the paper kills time for an hour or two ; Now the 7imes itself is empty—at a glance one skims it through. I am sick of the Crimea—sick of Bomarsund—and all : And the very name of Perry ’s nauseous, in large type or small. ve read all about the Cholera, till I think I could impart, From chalk-mixture up to camphor, every remedy by heart. After office hours I wander, in a sort of moody maze, Up Pall-Mall, and through Belgravia—all the haunts of happier days. At the —— where to dinner oft I’ve driven at half-past cight, Pint pots—token of board-wages—hang upon the area-gate. | There where Gunter’s stately foremen wont the — carts to stop, Hutcher-boys to lean charwomen hand the solitary c Balconies, where ball-room-roses bloomed marquees, : Show a range of dusty bow-pots for the cats to take their ease. 10p. *neath Tis the square, where” she would meet me—meet me, between four and five, When the governess was busy, and Mamma was on her drive. Where she brought the new French novel to the very shadiest spot, Which she always meant to get through, but through which she never got, Oh my Manet—shallow-hearted !—was it well to let me down, And go off to Baden-Baden, when you might have staid in town ? Yor your father is in office—a pretext you might have had : Staid to mind the old boy’s comforts : he’d have only been too glad ! Darkling comes the night and dreary ; and the gas they’re lighting up: But for me—where can I go to? I’ve no place to dine or sup. At the club they cook no dinners: and the smoking-room is bare : All the house, in fact, is under what the steward calls “ repair.” Even Pratr’s is sad and seedy : oh, this is not to be borne— I will rash to the Casino: I will drive to far Cremorne. What is there that I should care for? From what madness should I shrink ® I will eat September oysters: sherry-cobblers I will drink. I will take a snobbish female: I will join the platform dance : here indulge in gentish antics, and unseemly pas from France. What to me is indigestion ? What to me is head-ache now ? I will chaff the stern policeman, though I get into a row. ing, some are sporting, some at houses And I see the grouse at Groves’s, and | think upon the FE DGINGTON’s which took place on the Grand Indirect East and West Junction Kail- | It will be remembered that upon the oceasion in question an express train ran imto an excur- sion train, f destroyed or mutilated. The interests of the sufferers or their executors were represented by Mr. Pounce, a solicitor; while Mr. Buivoster, ©.C., and Me. Swart, of the common-law bar, attended on | the part of the railway company. The public was unrepresented, the law officers of the Crown having s jal retainers im private cases, which made their attendance, for which the country pays them only a general retainer, impossible upon the present occasion. Lo The Coroner opened the proceedings by addressing the jury. He must begin by stating that the conduct of t West Junction Railway Company did them the highest credit. Grand Indirect East and They were disposed to court the very fullest investigation, and, although it | might not be strictly within his judicial knowledge, he must add that the first-class carriages on the line were most comfortable, and the station-masters were among the most genteel and polite young men he had ever seen. inquiry, which was, how this unlucky accident had occurred to var the usual regularity and safety of the excellent and admirable line in question. That, however, did not exactly bear upon tne present to vary | Mr. Buosrer begged to remind the Coroner that he, Mr. B., and not the Coroner, was the advocate of the Company. The Coroner was aware of that, and was quite sure that the usual sound discretion exercised by the Company had dictated their choice of counsel. | The first witness, Henry Barrer, was called. He said that on Tuesday last he was a passenger by the excursion train from Diddleton. At 6°30 they passed the Hangmansleigh Station, and were going at a wretched pace— The Coroner cautioned the witness not to use injurious expressions. The train might be going more slowly than the witness surely a noble Company like that of the Grand Indirect knew better than the witness what pace to keep. The Witness, in continuation, said that they were going not more than thirteen miles an hour. iked, but The Coroner said that this showed the pradence and caution of the Company. stage coach of former days The Corower (with indignation).— What ! As it was, the pace was faster than that of the best _How much had the witness paid ? Wrrness.—Thirteen-and-sixpence. To come ninety miles ! Some are yacht- Way, was held before Mz. Conower Caine and a select jury, at the | ‘ Suffalo’s Arms, Wapshot, on Tuesday last. four carriage-fulls of passengers were either | And with such generous liberality on the part of the Company, the | witress had the baseness to complain of the pace ! such a display of character, it would be for the jury to consider what weight to attach to the witness’s evidence. The Witness said that he paid what was asked, and believed that by law the Company undertook to convey him speedily and safely. He certainly did not accept the contract on the to take the chances of a smash. The Coroner immediately ordered him into custody for speaking so dy, and expressed a conviction that the jury would be as much disgusted as he was. flippantly of a great public Lavra Movutp was then called. understanding that he was She deposed to the fact that she had been travelling by the excursion train, and as they came crawling up to the Hangmansleigh Station—_ The Coroner.—Don’t say crawling, woman. Beetles crawl. As the train was proceeding at a comparatively a P Witness adhered to the word crawling, and despite strances of the Coroner, who entreated her to consi all the remon- what a splendid institution the railway was, and how much the public were indebted to the spirited and wealthy gentlemen who managed it, she would use no other word. The Coroner was obliged, therefore, to record his protest, and to take her evidence, that while the excursion train was lagging three quarters of an hour late, the express ran into it, and caused terrible damage. Seventeen other witnesses deposed to the same fact, and despite the Coroner’s cautions, inveighed bitterly against the mismanagement of ithe railway. He thought, after | |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

The signal man of the Hangmansleigh Station gave evidence that he | was underpaid and overworked, and admitted that he was too tired and | too sleepy to make the danger signal. He had no doubt that, had it| been made, the express train would have stopped. The Coroner, after reading him a severe lecture upon his ingratitude in speaking in that brutal manner of the Company which gave him bread, directed that he should be taken into custody. Several witnesses, conversant with railway matters, desired to be| examined, but the Coroner said that he did not see what good they | could do. The last witness had shown how the accident oecurred. The Jury said that the evidence was insufficient. The signal mam was in fault, but why was the train so late ? The CoroneR was sorry to see that the vulgar prejudice against railway management extended to that box. They ought to be above

such nonsense. He would close the inquiry, unless the learned gen- tlemen had anything to say. Mr. Pounce said that the Railway Company had been ved guilty of two unpardonable offences, and he hoped that the verdiet of the jury would convinee them that no Railway Directors, any more than any other tradesmen, could be allowed to cheat their customers. offered good and swift conveyance, for money ; they sold bad and slow “Agia and when compensation was demanded, they begam to bully. The Coroner, who had several times interrupted the solieifer, now ordered him out of Court. The hired representatives of the company said that they had imtended to speak, but were quite content to leave the advocaey of their clients in the hands of the judge. | The CorongR summed up. Railways were a glorious imvention, and this line was one of the best specimens we possessed. It ever killed anybody. Why, the population of Great Britaim census of 1851 was 20,936,468 persons; and how few of Grand Indirect East and West Junction had destroyed! The bumber was a trifle, com to that of those who travelled, or might, if | liked, travel on lime. Moreover he was quite sure that the di were most sorry when any casualty occurred. Most of the witnesses | had given their evidence in a very unbecoming manner, and therefore it was valueless. On the whole, therefore, he thought—of course the jury would judge for themselves—that the company were quite free from blame in the matter. The Jury, without retiring, returned a verdict of “ Manslaughter ” inst the Directors of the Company, adding a strong expression of | disgust at the system they had sanctioned. The Coroner said that they must be mad. such cruel and oppressive verdict. The Jury insisting, he was compelled to yield, but appended a written apology to the Company for being the unwilling agent in insulting them so shamefully. Mr. BLusTeR was Coronenr’s feelings.

i re 5 He should record no mite sure that the Company were aware of the The inquiry then terminated. ALDERMAN IN THE WATER. Dear George, this white jug, mixed with Apaw’s mild ale, (That’s the stingo for toasting your Naw of the Vale) Holds what once was Gossiz, a greedy old soul Who mopped up the turtle-sowp, bow! after bow), In guzzling ’twas also his wont to excel, And at all civic dinners hed feed till he fell. It chanced as in Guildhall he gorged by degrees, Eating all sorts of messes, as rich as you please, At the custards and pastry whilst pegging away, And with brandied brown sherry well soaking his clay, His steam-valves of life on a sudden were shut, And he went, blowing up like an engine—all but. In ground intramural when long he had lain, Resolved into salts, earths, and gases again, Ammonia leaked into a well near him dug, fad co past of <b Gennes got into this jug; Now held in solution by Apam’s mild ale, Drink Gossxz in drinking sweet Naw of the Vale.

——— — = —_—_——— Theatrical Note and Query. (By @ Playgoer of weak Intellect.) | ets te is a little book recently published, called “ The Buxton nide. | Query—Now, what Buxton? Is this not, pray, an indirect method of | announcing the Sp. Dancers, for we know of no other Guide just at | | Present that is all the people to Buckstowz ? i

| reason to believe, be fully accomplished, would be the prohibition of the ‘ /manufacture and sale of gunpowder for amy purposes but those of ie 3 this damgerous substance in has been attended by a pro- a | portiomate deerease of the deaths, mutilations, and other bodily injuries Le from its incautious use on an img a given period in + that . Official and other returns, ver, have clearly estab- bt i explosions. | “ae (on the part of every man, since it is possible to get on well enough | | without shaving, ! | with them. MAINE MODEL LAW. Tue frequent occurrence of accidents from fire-arms at this season of the year suggests the question whether it would not be possible, at the ' cost of a little self-denial to a portion of the public, to prevent these q deplorable casualties altogether. dp an The means by which this desirable purpose might, there is every he ‘ ent. It is true that we are not as yet in possession of amy statistical facts tending to show that abridgement of the facilities for ‘\e purchase of lished that a decided diminution of eases of drumkemmess on Sundays attended the partial restrictions which have beem imposed on the supply of imtoxicating liquors ; and it is not perhaps } ing too f toa to mfer that, if no such drmks were wed to | es at all, the result would be a very general, if net @ total, eces- 4 m of mebriety. If this inference be allowed, it must also be admitted that the analogous measure of putting a to the trade in an explosive compound would at least greatly limit frequeney of 4 e Law jis said to answer well; and many fe i iF i as that gous alcohol ? an existence bettered lor Efe. how many a family has bereaved of its only sup- rt; how — wives, sisters, chi have had to mourn the ‘3 frightful and consequences which legislation, by intercepting their a cause, might have rendered impossible ! Me What valid reason can be assigned for the practice of shooting? It is notorious that pastelages, — hares, nay woodcocks, and snipe, may be easily procured, for t rposes of the table, by catching them in nets and snares, or simply —. them on the head as they lie. As to the plea that the sport affords healthful exercise, surely the same amount and kind of exercise might be taken by walking through heath, turnips, and stubble, or over ploughed fields, with a large stick instead of a gun. The mere exh on attendant on the act of striking down a bird on the wing, or a quadru running, doubtless will be cheerfully resigned when it is considered iw great a preservation +f of human life and limb will be the reward of the sacrifice. af d of legislating to nt the misuse or groun ~ my | —_— 2 aes by mterdieting its use, haps come to be Fi ; ee ee As the principle gains the abuse of considered we had not better abolish penknives, because they sometimes cut are no necessary now that we have | steel pens. ‘The moustache movement also will be rendered imperative |

but that operation eannot be performed without | | razors, and everybody will be precluded from obtaining those instru- | i ments some persons, if they got them, would commit suicide i Laws will ultimately be passed for depriving us of the | 7 ability to ages inclination which can be ified improperly—in | im which case shall we any longer be men to the Russians, or i even to render the sort of serviee which we are now rendering to ra

il THE FIRST OF SEPTEMBER. [From an Original Drawing by our Little Boy. |

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Rae. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Ae AAAA eee \ ww RONAN SSS SS | ( Lady. “You Bro — DON’T MEAN TO TELL ME, Mary, THAT MY NEW CRYSTAL \» ~ EVIL EYES ON NICHOLAS. “ As rrelts this effigy away, And as I thrust this image through, So may my enemy decay And Death’s sharp arrows pierce him too.” Thus Malice mumbled o’er her spell And, as the wax was prieked and ran, So, Witcheraft’s ghastly legends tell, Transfixed with pains, declined the man. Dz Moray, writhing in the flame, s Called Pope and Sovereign to appear With him at jadgment—and they came— Both died, at least, within the year. The laws of Sympathy are dark. ’Tis said that Human Will hath fire Which flashes farther than the spark Can fly upon the speaking wire. Without a charm, or magic verse, The rays of Hate may dart so far, That some one’s bitter, deadly curse A Tyrant may have strength to mar. The death-look of a wounded hare It is not pleasant to abide, Conceive, then, Czar, the dying glare Of victims crushed to glut thy pride. *Mongst all those rays of horrid light Aloft in fearful torment cast, _ Will Heaven reflect not one to smite Thee, Nicnoxas, old wretch, at last ? Mrx Jua 1s | | @Q. What four persons would be vorth Mary. “ Yes,’M, 11's THE ORKERDIST JUG AS HEVER I SEE—IT JEST TOOK AND TUMBLED | Kighteenpence ? at } RIGHT OFF ITS "ANDLE!! WHICH IT’S LEFT ITS "ANDLB IN MY THREATENED ANNIHILATION OF THE BRITISH ARMY We hope Miss Freprixa Bremer will abandon her design of getting up a Ladies’ Peace Society. An association composed of such elements might exert a most gerous influence. Suppose Miss Bremer could succeed in inducing the generality of the young ladies of England to form a confederacy devoted to the prevention of war. Imagine one of its rules to be that every member should take a pledge, or enter into a solemn engagement, never to accept an invitation to dance at an evening party with an officer. The consequence would be that we should want chiefs to lead our troops to battle. ‘Thus de- prived of national defences, we should fall an easy prey to Russia, or any other invader. ‘or what inducement has anybody to enter the Army who can get a decent living without risking his life and limbs? Patriotism ° We are afraid that a very small minority of young gentlemen of the present day are actuated by a motive so serious and slow as that Glory ? This is no object to the generality of Englishmen ; moreover the chance of winning it is too slight to operate, in any considerable degree, as an incentive. Gain? Now that clothing colonels are abolished, an officer has no opportunity of thriving, and if he has only his pay to depend upon, he is poorly off indeed. In short, to any indi- | vidual of common sense, and ordinary ideas, there is no temptation to accept a commission, much less to purchase one, except the preference given by the fair sex to military men over civilians. But for the pre- dilection evinced by the female taste for a man in ared coat, hardly anybody but a clown would put on a garment of that colour, unless for the chase, or in the capacity of general postman. If Miss Bremer | could contrive to persuade British Beauty to refuse its hand in the thé dansant and the soirée to British valour, we should very soon be hard up for Ensigns and Lieutenants, next for Captains and Majors, in no long time for Colonels, and should ultimately be destitute of every single General and Field Marshal. The Great Problem of the Day Is,—Given Bradshaw, to find the way from any place to any place on any line. So highly does the solution of this problem exercise the intellect, that it is proposed to add Bradshaw to those books of _, he which proficiency is required of candidates for honours at ambridge. ‘ann, ’"M.” | A. One Joey, two Browns, and a Bob. A Vacuum that wants Filling up. Snvcz the Surrey Zoological Gardens are to be in the hands of the Teetotallers next year, it is rather difficult to imagine what they will get to supply the place of the volcanos that have generally done fire- work duty at that popular place of amusement. It is as clear as a drop of filtered water that they will have nothing to do with Vesuvius, or | Etna, or Hecla, or any other disreputable mountain that is known | rincipally by the violent eruptions that take place on its brow, and the | earful explosions that issue at times from its flaming mouth—for such exhibitions would only be colouring a wrong moral, for we are well aware | they are but the aggregate result of repeated drops of the “ era

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san ocsvguuiemnsnae ~ = aorta oe —* TE a naa Da i ae es GN ~ s i , \) uy . % : ‘ H} ‘ eve 4! aL at BG a seme ea ‘ \ N N x .s Q' > ~ il AGRICULTURAL DISTRESS. British Farmer.“ WELL! HERE’S A PRETTY BUSINESS! I’VE GOT SO MUCH CORN, THAT I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO PUT IT.” Serremper 9, 1854.) (Puncu, No, 687.

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PUNCH, OR TRE _LONDON CHARIVARI. | 99 TO CORRESPONDENTS. Jazosu.—In reply to your inquiries as to the, period of the siege of Troy, the weight of the Elephafit that was shot in Exeter Change, the amount of the imports and exports in 1703, and other interesting historical queries, we must refer you to one of oar Sanday contemporaries, who, in his Notices to Correspondents, is steadily reprinting (we trust under Me. Moxou’s sanction ) Hayow’'s “ Dictionary of Dates.” A Frawche.—We think that he had a right to look sulky, and had we been in his place, and you had said so to us, we should have refused to stay to supper, unless you had asked us very prettily indeed. Amays Orere Sy me to ll music” be really “ the } food of love.’ e do not know, but it always inspires us with the love of food, as our correspondent shall see if he will invite us to oysters after a Huguenots night. A Docerer.—The Hebrew word means, in its primitive signification, a carpet-bag, and is so used by the Tal- mudists. But by gradual deduction, it has now come to mean Spanish liquorice, and you can interpret it in whichever sense is least inconvenient to your feelings. The Bishop of London and the Puseyites take the first meaning, and therefore travel with portmanteaus only. The Independents and the Irvingites take the second, and, when they have coughs, will eat only horehound and alicampane. But, after all, what does anything mean? Words, if spoken, are but air, and what is the air? Oxygen, nitrogen, and a little carbonic acid gas. Will you be slave to a chemist's bottle? JocuLar.—We mustdecline “dressing up” your “ fanny anecdote” about the did bachelor who was so averse to making a declaration, that when he became a bankrupt he would not declare a dividend. We receive tons of such “ jokes” every week, to the great advancement of our credit at the cheesemonger’s. Paritipor Jcvewis.—The white king may not castle at chess, the black only having that privilege, by the new rule of the Paris club. While the white knight is on a black square, a pawn must not take him, and the same rule applies with the black knight on a white square. At the Palace, and in the highest circles, it is not etiquette for a bishop to give check to the queen, but this rule is not of universal adoption. Miss Ayoerica 8. N. 4, a difficult question. Her elder sister is engaged, but Ayoe.ica, on calm reflec- tion, thinks that the young man would suit Aer better than the present object ot his affections. She is solely guided by a view to her sister's happiness, and wishes to know how to break off the proposed match, and secure the gentleman for herself, without causing any unpleasantness in the family — We will think over it— | meantime, as AnGeica is invited to spend a month in Paris, by all means let her go. V. L. P's obliging offer to give us some “ smart satirical | shows-up” of the “would-be genteel people” among | the lawyers and tradesfolk of his,town (in Montgomery shire) is declined without thanks. A Warr Lirr—Indeed, Miss, we shall not tell you where the best rouge is to be bought. But we will tell you where it is to be got for nothing, and that is in Kensington Gardens, from 8 to 10 a.m., but you must go every morning, walk briskly, and think over passages in your Punch. Graconvs wishes to serve his country in some way which will bring him into notoriety, but he has conscientions objections to fighting. We respect his ambition and his scruples, and will endeavour to meet both. Let him make his way into Russia, penetrate to St. Peters- burg, and paste the last twenty of our large cuts along the front of the Palace on the Neva, with explanations in the Russian language. We undertake to give, from the St. Petersburg (Gazette, a faithful account of his execution. Wriuiam Creasy inquires whether, as we are at war, the Postmaster General is obliged to read all the letters that are put into the post-offices before he allows them to be forwarded.—Such is the rule, but there is, we regret to say, an aristocratic evasion of it. Lonp Caxyine reads only the sealed letters, Mz. RowLanp Hitt peruses all with adhesive envelopes, while the wafered ones are examined by Mr. Titty. Copies of all letters are made, and Lory Patmexstow keeps them under his seat in the House of Commons, in order to be ready to answer questions about them. The number is about 360 millions a year. A Youre Wire has got inty a serape through taking the advice of a A - pretended |, who is now dis- covered to and who persuaded her to run in debt at a pect unknown to her husband, who has always been very kind. The milliner presses for . The friend advises her being kept quiet out of the next cheque for housekeeping, and offers to manage the casting-up the bills.—We advise the wife to tell her husband what she has told us, and to add that we command him not to be angry with her, and we also advise that “not at home” be the answer for the future whenever the “ friend ” calls. Horativs (Southend) inquires whether there is aw! companion work to the Whole Duty of Man, entitled the Whole Duty of Woman. We are not aware of it, but the latter might be Buttons. i Jocu.es E«cnrenws.—We believe there is such a boo described in a single word— CoLonet SieTnorr.—The joke about a pear (pair) A ls like manner. the First Lord of the Admiralty, and be has made Ma. Peenat Osponwe search the records of the Navy for | us. The woman's husband was Master of the and he went to Aleppo, in the year 972, that of Dew | can's murder. He was mach distressed on the voyage for want of sleep his wife's Christian name, as appears by her to the receipt for his pay, was Sagan. Maricpa is in service, ana lains that b one of | v the daughters of the house is named ase ¢ the | mistress insists on the domestic being called Axwe. A young attorney's clerk, who lodges in the attics, says she can bring an action against the lady for taking away her good name.—We recommend « com- | t withdraw her Maricopa, and the lady her Awws, and let the daughter referees and promise: let our fair co and the clerk be joint settle on a third name for her—say ARABELLA, or SaL. Lorp Frepexic B—— is informed that we do not settle | sporting queries, but that we believe the length of the course on which the Derby is rum, is eighteen miles and 4 half, and that no competing horse must be over fifteen years of age. When it is said a horse “ loses a plate,” it means that he has not won the cup, vase, or whatever the prize piece of plate may be. A handicap is so called from its being easy to put on and take off. A Sruswer sends us some sketches which he calls | “ suggestions for sea-side —~ We _ on chee | tion, ourselves, to wearing pictorial Mnen, but, benefit of enterprising yo—1-) O will imention that our correspondent desires the ghton shirt to bear a large view of the Pavilion; the Margate gar- ment a neat representation of the old jetty with the new one crawling over it; while the article fo at Herne Bay is to show a pier about three with a single plethorie policeman at the end of Ele HE the vista. The effect would certainly be very snobbish, bat not more sothan the horses, anchors, dancers, seuils, and cricket tools, still admired by gents. A Proup Youre Moruer is informed that Mr. Punch never stands godfather to any darling whatever, no matter how angelic and unparalleled. The Royal children are the exception to this rule, and are #0, cause in standing sponsor at the Palace, he is simply discharging one of his fumetions as an institution of the country. Sorurta’s handwriting is about the worst we ever saw, not even excepting that of our own contributors. We do not profess to judge characters from autographs, but since Soruta insists, we should say that she was cross, idle, selfwilled, and uninformed, bad red hair, wore her dresses badly made, slapped her little brothers and | sisters, and came down to breakfast with her red hair in curl papers. To her inquiry whether we think she would make a happy wife, we reply that we don't know, | but we think she would decidedly make an unhappy | husband. Fes Parricers Camis helped to steal a sausage-roll from a | pastrycook’s shop in the year 1827, when he, P. C., was a little boy. He has been haunted by remorse ever since, and desires us to suggest some penance for his crime. We submit that with his present advanced | views of what is nasty, he had better steal another, and | eat it. IspevaTicaste.—It is not ungrammatical to say “ him | and me see them as they was a coming,” but it is more | elegant to frame the sentence differently, and we doubt | the accuracy of your assertion that the phrase as above is to be found in Ma. Macav.ay's History of England. but its more proper title would have been “ Jokes Ought to have put « Pen Through.” | A Miseravce Wire had better have signed herself“ A justly punished Offender.” She deserves to lose her | husband's affection if she gives him such dinners as | she describes. He allows her plenty of housekeeping money, and yet she is weak and criminal ie ot to expect that he will come home to mutton chops, alter- | nated by steaks. The plea that she lives in a large | house, and that the servants have quite to do | withou (their time being taken up in “ fintkin’ ~~ | (as the coarse-minded woman puts it,) is almost w than the offence. We hope that her husband ~* pa tinue to aecept every invitation he recei‘ses, besides dining at bis club when not asked ausbue, until the | woman buys a cookery book and condeseends to mind the business to which she bound herself at the altar. | Navos.— We are not sure that we quite lega! question as you state it. Is it thas? Your | grandfather, having no right to a house, devised it to his uncle-in-law, in trust for the direct an ceiea ee | with remainder over to the of his father, who died without issue. So "Ee tor all all ‘s clear. But levying the fine and a 5-4 out the super- negit would not have barred the term, and given the certificate in bankruptey the yy of an) escheat in tail male, unless you or your father, had | ejected the rightful owner, and caused his tenants to | attorn. The fact that you tried to do this, and were | kicked out of the house, is not @ material fact in the | case. Consult a notary public. | : two pears has been made before. ’ wer or Avow's Swan tite to know whether we A Brormwer had better leave off while he is safe. can tell him the name of the sailor's wife who had | chesnuts in her cap, and ate them in such an unlady-| We have written to Sin James Granam, | beat high for His name was Tomas Jowms, and asks us a Melody : “ more.” t with money would be wrong. woteke damp remove him. Deyrtivaice.— We believe that diamond dust makes very good tooth-powder. Amy respectabie jeweller will give you a pint or = on net ow he civilly, or you may get it from the Crown Jewels, at the Tower, for a 3 = the powder with cod liver oil (pale), makes the frietion more pleasant. 4.8.3. writes on behalf of himself and some friends who | have had a dispute as to the ceremony of presentation at Court.—It is simple. After rising from your knee, you stand oat in the circle, and Paiwce ALncur (whose = taste is celebrated) notiees any portion of the of the —_ — party, lady or gentieman, which he sees pleases Hen Masuery. H.R. 1. inquires where it was bought. It is etiquette to be prepared | with cards of all the tradesmen who have furnished your attire, and you hand in the proper one to the Mis- tress of the Robes, mentioning the price. Basson. The ca ot London. Two Lirrie Pearwirexies.—Not ladylike, but not de- serving the harsh censure and chastisement you describe. On another occasion, when you see a young nobleman walking past your window, and you desire to make his acquaintance, throw something more graceful than a coal at him to attract bis atten- tion, Yourmamma and may be too exacting, but remember your duty, if you make faces in ly to their strictures, never do so while the servant is room. It is small matters that make the lady. . Framan« (Penzance)— You are perfectly right tm say- ing that the bolting of any one out prevents his bolting in —that the purchasing on tiek is frequently tie doulou- reux—that there is nothing se touchy as touch-paper and that Nicno.as makes his nobles “bleed to pro- vide the “sinews” of war, and the observations do honour to your head and heart. Could you oblige us again? Apevive.—You must return either his affection or his presents, but we cannot advise you as to which you should do, unless we know what the latter are worth. Do not be in a hurry. A marriage licence costs two pounds fifteen, a divorce a thousand pounds, Draw your own inference. Wiitsam Saweercre.— With practice and study we have no doubt that you will become the first poet of the Then you The cards not used are the perquisite of the = day. But you have not yet attained that distinction, | althongh your verses are very sweet and pretty. The following—all we have room for—breathe a natural spirit of chastened affectionateness : “ Bid me quaff the cup of p!o)ison, Bid me seek the deadly Upaa, But [ sthil must keep my eyra on You, my radiant jair, when you pass! Hurl me from the heaght of Snowdon, Dash me from Pliniymmon 6 brow, Still I’ betlow as I go down, That I love you then aa now.” Many Manta Mancanet.—Despair of being married? Don't be such a little silly. Thirty-seven last Decem- ber, and no offers, Whatof that? Perhaps you may may have thirty-seven offers before next December. What are you like? Send us your picture, and - as to the amount of your fortune. ell cane esendl gem Bless you. Not be married! Bosh! Bah! Bot QuaeTionER oe ~The Buddhists are a sect of Oriental religionists who offer the buds of roses, and other flowers, as sacrifices. The Anabaptists are so called from their founder, Auwa Barren, who died 1720. The Pedobaptists, take their name from pedes (Lat.) “ feet,” because they stamp with their feet during service time, We never heard of the other sect you jon, the H ffins, but ae doubt truth and error are mingled in their teaching. Ornen Communications Recatven.—X. V. Y. (we should think he was, “rather”)—Mopesr Jane (hit him again).—Quies (you may play the trumpet a!! night if you NMike).—Usnarry Sania (if you don't like fat, why eat it?)}—Lomp Maiwespuny (Tunis ts not in Mexico).—Biraons (wear the grey front when he is at home, the brown one when he is gone to businews). TeLascors (Uranus is of a bluish white evlour, and its diameter is 36,465 miles—if you are going there, give our love)—Awsoxzica (in sticking the hook throngh the worm beware of ing your fingers).— Avexanspen Beaw Lean (a ing machine, No. 7, is hardly an address to gE. — Lane Pousew™a (the Nine Gods—the Dui Majoree—were Hencuias, Piotraacn, Jorrren, Haricaanasevs, Aroiio, Pua- pus, Possipos, Nerturs, and Coanetms Neros)-— Pater (some people would give anything for a set of Punch from the beginning)—Aris (get out with you). He poetical conundrum founded upon an Irish * Why is a retired doctor like hearts that once praise? Because he feels the pulse no Jesurticus Dramaticus says that he is convinced that the Stage is a mischievous institution, and that to But he ean be no harm in going to the theatre with an order, and therefore asks us to forward him | ome. Jfhe will come to the corner of Bride Court, on Monday morning next, at ten o'clock, he can wait there until we send the order out to him, unless the police i modal’: ‘ 4 th beac pas a

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en SLM Meera a ae SCENE—PALAIS ROYAL. Garcon (to London Gent). “ Vorta! M’steu! Le Caartvart—Frenca- Goop Mornina, Sarge! On, I speak INGLEES VERRA WELL—I! Corree TREE Munsz. O8 YAS—ALL RIGHT !—-NEVARE MIND! !” [Jumps over three chairs, and vanishes, to the great astonishment of ToMKINs. A MOCK JENKINS AT THE PALACE. Jenxrns is weak enough—even though his be sometimes an “ amiable weakness” and means no harm—but a mock JenKUNs is in literature what mockery would be to mock-turtle in the world of soups, or imi- tation Walker in the region of sham champagnes. We regret to perceive that there are several imitation JENKINSES, whom we can only compare to a species of mocking bird flitting about the columns of the newspaper press. They are seen perching sometimes on the window- sills of the palace, and sometimes on the area railings of the houses of the nobility, and after picking up what they can they hop off to the | offices of some of the would-be fashionable journals. This feathered | tribe will often indulge in such hoaxes as would entitle them to rank as “humming-birds,” and we are disposed to believe that the qualities of the “humming-bird” are displayed in a recent account of some alleged festivities at Osborne on Prince ALBert’s birthday. We are told, that on the occasion spoken of, there were “ jumping in sacks, wheeling barrows blindfolded,” and other fooleries, to which the | name of “ Rural old English Sports” is usually given. “Among the rest’ we are told there were several candidates for a prize, “* who | had their hands fastened behind them, and the task was to bring forth, from tubs of meal, money thrown therein, with their mouths,” The report adds, that “as they raised their heads covered with flour, their Judicrous appearance created roars of laughter.” Now, as the regular | Court Newsman says nothing of all this, and as the great original Jenkins is silent on the subject, we must regard the whole affair | as a weak invention of the Mock Jenkins, who has lately got posses- sion of the penny-a-liner’s “ flimsy.” We cannot believe that “jumping | in sacks,” the fun of which consists in the probability that the jumpers | may fall and receive some personal damage, can have been provided as | “a dainty dish to set before the QuzEeN ” on Prince ALBeRt’s birthday, | nor do we think that Her Masesty would have looked on with de- ‘ | light at the disgusting exhibition of a number of degraded beings 0 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON LIVE INGLEES CHARIVARLI. SING A TE DEUM! I’ve killed far above half a million of men, And more of them subjects, I reckon, than foes ; And expect to destroy full as many again, Ere my blessed existence shall come to a clese. Sing a Te Deum ; sing tol-de-rol-lol. 1 don’t care if they batter Sebastopol! As long as I’ve legions to lay down their lives, And throw themselves under the Juggernaut Car, Which my pride o’er their grovelling carcases drives, I’m determined that I will continue the war. Sing a Te Deum, &c. It little will vex me if Cronstadt should fall, I’ve a plan that will make the invaders retire, For the fiddle I ’ll play as I sit on a wall, While St. Seteaien g blazes—by me set on fire. Sing a Te Deum, &c. Whilst I have a hangman, a knout, and a stick, To drive my battalions, like beasts, to the field ; Or the point of a sword, the retreating to prick, Regardless of carnage, I never will yield. Sing a Te Deum, &e. I'll pillage and burn as the champion of pure Christianity ; playing the gentle and meek ; And I}! quote from the Psalms with a visage demure, And I'll shoulder the Cross with my tongue in my cheek. Sing a Te Deum, &e. Let ruin and beggary stalk o’er my land, My peasants may starve and my merchants may smash ; Go on to the Deuce! is my word of command: I have not got a conscience, and don’t care a dash. Sing a Te Deum, &c. [ know I’m a great inconvenience to some, And should in my person dislike to be hurt ; So, perpending the grief to which tyrants oft come, I shall take the precaution to wear a mail shirt. Sing a Te Deum, &c. To partake of my meals, ere a morsel I taste, I ’ll have a dog, when I sup, breakfast, or dine, And a slave at the back of my chair shall be placed, And the fellow shall drink first the half of my wine. Sing a Ze Deum, &c. A Puncn. trying to lick up filthy lucre by the still more filthy process of digging their tongues into sacks of flour. We have no doubt there are always about the court a sufficient number of mealy-mouthed people, without adding to the quantity by the nasty process of plunging a variety of mouths into a sack of meal in the very presence of the Sovereign and her family. We can only say that if such “ sports” were really provided on the occasion, the Master of the Revels seems to be as much behind the taste of the age as he is, no doubt, behind that of the Royal lady whose favour he hoped to propitiate. NEW NAMES FOR THE NAVY. Wira considerable pleasure we see from the Times that— “ The greatest activity prevails in our dockyards. Several line-of-battle ships have lately been laid down, and are already in an advanced stage of forwardness.” When these ships are launched, we suppose it will be the duty of the Government to officiate as godfather, and as we are decidedly of those who think there ’s something in a name, notwithstanding SuaksPEeRe’s purely nominal objection, we would suggest that the style of naval nomenclature in use hitherto should be discarded as being now com- pletely out of date and inappropriate. It is gt omy advised that we should “call a spade a spade,” and such bellicose titles as the Bulldog, the Terrible, the Vengeance, or the Fury, sound to us imposing only in the sense of make-pretence. The peaceful war policy of our resent Government would, we think, be indicated far more correctly tr such names as the Lamd, the Reluctant, the Forbearance, the Harm- less, and our ships would thus no longer be sailing under false titles, as seems to be the case, especially in the Black Sea, just at present. Ovr Sanitary Report.—The best Chalk Mizrture : London Milk.

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THE EMPEROR NICHOLAS. As Parstep By Dr. Corrmay.) HIS simple pure- minded man has fully libelled. From a long intercourse with his Imperial Majesty—from hav- ing eaten, smoked, and played at seratch-cradle with him for many a year —I am fortunately enabled to give some interesting particu- lars of his life, which have never before been published, 'o give a notion ‘of his extreme sim- plicity, I will endea- vour to sketch the programme of his occupations for one day, and really his| sag habits vary so fittle, | and that the description of one day may fairly do duty for all. The Emperor rises at six—never

j a minute later— | he takes but ome} cup of cocoa = | his breakfast, i he boils it himeel olf with a “ Bachelor’s kettle.” If it is raining, he makes up his accounts of the previous day, but if it is fine, he goes into the garden, and pulls the garden roller | about for an hour. At a quarter past eight he rings the bell for the | servants, never disturbing them before that time. His moustache | generally takes him till nine. His mornings are mostly passed in | ing-room. He sees that his razors are in good trim, gives his | diamond boxes a rub or two, or else looks over his shirts and collars, | for the Emperor mends all his own linen. After that he waters his | flowers, of which he i 1s passionately fond, or amuses himself by whistling “the Russian Hymn” to a piping bullfinch that he has educated him- | self. His private room, in tet. is crowded with objects of natural | history. It is a small menagerie. There is scarcely a square inch of | space that is not oceupied by a glass globe, or a cage, or a kennel of | some sort. It is difficult to pick your way across the room without | ona —. or @ squirrel, or a guinea- pig. or knocking down a} canary cage with your hat, Parrots threaten to bite you on all The little puppies and kittens crawl up your legs at every step. The Emperor will pass hours among favourites, playing with them, feeding them out of his own hand, scratching their ‘ Pretty polls,” or) teae them some curious trick, In this way he has brought up a} pet spider that answers to its name—he has a French poodle to | strike a lucifer, light a pipe, put it into its mouth, and begin smoking it—and still more wonderful, he has sueoseded in p Saaaieg an oyster, (an English native) that follows him all over the house These amusements occupy the Kxrrnor till luncheon, which is ae as simple as his other meals PA ak gh a dash of ~<* in it, or else a small slice of toast and pom washed down with glass of goat’s milk. He then receives a oo comand is brought to him to sign, tent intensely It is imme- diately torn up into a thousand pieces! he will to no more business that day—but, without a hat, will rush into the garden and fly kites, Fa a a horses with his grandchildren. is so ~ hat it must vent itself in play—and he will jump over ; wank wp be do bend down—he will throw an officer’s pi up ina Ae that he may have t it—he will send the springing through a large window of beautiful fracture. occasions—you would e he was some simple country gen- Pf ceca vould ima Russias, Then for three hours of uninterrupted application follow despatches, and letters, proclamations, and ukases. The pay of some favoured regi-

unknown to the Emperor, is most shame-} sek he aias Uhaee Goan games, soft, and he employs it to great Polytechnic, is a series of interesting lectures on the Precession His heart Of the Equinoxes. We understand a theatre has written to know at what expense "The Mscncr might be scampish delight of climbing up after that “ Great Bear and the Little late-glass, simply that he may enjoy the surprise of the servants and sented | by livi ~ ladies, who instantly rush out to inquire who is the author of the % the es It is most charming to observe the Empexor on such —— to be fared by the Band of Orion—if the members of that ment is increased—some poor — prisoner, exiled to Siberia quite others, and to others alone should it be applied, for it will never do for liberated—some young Russian nobleman you ( unless you ’re an Officer) to Forgive and F orget vounall

{has his pasepart honoured with the signature of the Emrrror, thus | receiving the Lmperial peered to Laure out of Russia. Nicnoras | writes every one of his 2p orn like a wise sovereign will insist upon | his signature always proceeding — his own pen. These matters of state occupy hi8 mind till dinner, which indeed is very quickly discussed. As the Emrraon is a vegetarian—(and a vegetarian not so much from chews as from principle, as he objects to taking the life of a single living beimg)—the table is not occupied by large joints of meat, nor the time taken up in consuming them. A fried potato, a stewed pea or two, a boiled cnalidower, amouthful of roasted onion, with e small plate of Sony pic, and a custard to follow, comp ; which his Majes oy better than the grandest pl ~_ could give Peay et “hater Pte! He will rise joyfully from the Imperial mahogany, and, with the smack of an epicure, ocak “T have dined to day— ibe" nq Prince! - beverage is o ; but = his cheese, he will indulge occasionally by taking a am of ginger In the — he Ben a it never in money. Some- times he read out a reerg tal to the Indies, they are assembled round the _ yh their need needles. His great enjoy- ment is to make tea. is another of his amusements, merriment Lan no bounds. One of his favourite pursuits is to stick ee in an album. At ten his | is brought m with ndles, and many seconds do not before he walks up to bed carrying one in each hand. The acquirements of the Exrzron are ve build a house of cards at least six stories | he is very clever, also, in inventing no one is nigh, he has been known to try them on the servants, and has often — a Cabinet Council to ask Nessetnope some laughable con that has just struck him, His voice is beautifully clear and in singing hymns, He is, however, not above simgimg a comic song occasionally, and he does it with such rare ey ~ Bae the chamberian alas nugh ba in cutting out s in paper is mary those ene witnessed it Such are the tastes ® habits of the great man, who has heen 380 dis- gracefully vilified by all Europe, but by England especially ! It will be America’s proud so (through me) to vindicate the character of this calumniated Hero ! Honour to Nicuotas !—The New York Hatchet. Thrower, ry considerable. He can before they begin to fall, MRS. DURDEN ON THE BLOCKADE, Iw fat, and grease, There ’s some increase ; 3ut yet we haven’t ile, and tallur, And candies, rose As you'd suppose All Rooshan goods, through British valour. The price of ’ides Still middlin’ bides ; There ’s no sich scarcity of leather : Our troops and crews Ain’t made our shoes Come so outrageous altogether. a he a ye war Makes Sidhe a —, in tlie walley : e Is all what [ call dilly-dally. The Astronomical March of Intellect. Ma. Perrenr, the able and a Managing Director of the that the manager of a minor introduced into a Grand Manager supposing will be introduced in the pro- that these interesting characters should be repre- —-. _, He has also undertaken to get the composer some entirely new music to the ee Forerve awp Forcet.—This maxim is admirable when sprliel to PUNCH, OR ‘THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 101

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| 102 PUNCH, OR imi j | |] i i) — Railway Porter. “ ANY LuacaGcr, Sir?” Traveller. ** Yas—Carpet BaG anp Cigar Case.” MR. BRIEFLESS AND THE COUNCIL ON LEGAL EDUCATION. We are authorised to state that in consequence of the recom- | mendation of the Council of Legal Education respecting the public examination of law students, Mr. Brigriess is ready to take pupils | and give them his best consideration in return for the best “pepe | consideration they may be prepared to offer. His plan will be very + comprehensive, and embrace all the subjects recommended by’ the { Council. | he He will commence with Rapin, and will particularly elucidate those chapters relating to the law of rapine and robbery. ‘Ihe law of Real Property will be richly illustrated with specimens of the thing itself, and a theatrical property man has been engaged to make all tlie properties as real as possible. The “liability of purchasers” will be familiarly shown by Mn. Brrer.ess himself, who will give the student the run of his papers, and allow him the perusal of the innumerable dunning letters to which purchasers—who don’t pay for what they purchase—are incessantly liable. The theory of “verbal contracts” will be exemplified in a pleasant way by ordering a dinner at the Rainbow, where the contract, though verbally made,will hold good, and the student in return for this valuable illustration will be called upon to pay merely the cost of the dinner. The important science of the “natural obligations,” arising from ownership, will be shown by the aid of several pawn tickets, on which the owner is “naturally obliged” to pay the interest.—N.B. The pupil will be expected to furnish the funds for this highly useful practical lesson. As a sequel to the “ liability of purchasers,” a few examples will be given of the “liability of vendors,” who are very liable to lose their money if they happen to give credit. _ dn common law the student will have an opportunity of watch- ing, from experience, the effect of every step from the service of the writ of summons at Mr. Brieriess’s own outer-door, by pushing it through the letter-box, to the final adjudication. The above sketch, though incomplete, will it is believed, enable those young gentlemen who are enterimg on the study of the law, to calculate on the advantages they will gain by being the pupils of Mr. Brrervess, | it cH. Ws THE LONDON CHARIVARL it | | | 3 How our ARTIST WAS TORMENTED BY THE FLIEgs, A TraveLter.—Anybody who wants anything to drink.— Walker. —— ——— THE ONE POWER. Ix every street is a yawning sewer ; In every court is a gutter impure ; The river runs stinking, and all its brink Is a fringe of every delectable stink : Bone-boilers and gas-works and gut-makers there Are poisoning earth and polluting air. Bat touch them who dares; prevent them who can ; What is the Health to the Wealth of man ? | The potent spirit of Vested Right lenges lungs to scorn, and smell and sight : } Mocks Boards of Health, with their idle commands; | Lames Commissioners’ feet, and ties Guardians’ hands. Come what may to husband, or child, or wife ; Work havoc at will on limb and life ; The evil shal! flourish this many a day— For Vested Right still stops the way ! The fever-fiend may come to the door, And level at will both rich and poor ; The child’s fresh life may wither up ; To manhood’s lip set his poison-cup ; Steal age’s last few years away, And swing his scythe like a mower at play; Only Vested Rights are sacred from death, And none has a vested right in his breath. Ob, England ’s a favoured land, no doubt, And wide her power is spread about. Under Indian suns her might is known, And she shakes the Czar on his frost-locked throne : But there is a Power that’s mightier still, That mocks her efforts, and spurns her will— A Power none can or none wills to fight, The omnipotent power of Vested Right ! Oh, when is the Davin to arise That shall smite this Gor1atH betwixt the eyes ? That shall take his own sword from his side, And hew off his head from his shoulders wide ? By force of Right slaying that which long ' With the name of Right hath sanctified Wroxg 7 | We die—we cry—for one to fight With this Giant usurper—Vested Right / \ in ‘#3 ee TTY WK i ! AND THE Mrans HE EMPLOYED TO OBTAIN RELIEF. Prioted by William Bradbury, of No. 1 City of Loadon.—Sarvapa:, Sepicu. rer 9, L804, v Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Paccras, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 27, Vic*oria Street, in the Parish of St. Margaret and St. John, Westminster, both im the Coanty of Midd esex, Printers at their (dice in Lombard Street, ia the Precinct of W hitefriars im the City of londoc, ond Published by them at No. 53, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Brice, in tbe

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON HARVEST HOME. MISFORTUNES may never come single ; but still Some good, perhaps, always attends upon ill ; Although, such a poor blinking buzzard is man, We can’t always see it, yet sometimes we can. | We've been forced into war in defence of the Right, | By a brutal big bully six feet odd iv height, The greatest of thieves who may well be defined, | In every respect but in greatness of mind. This villain attempts to cause famine and dearth, Destroying and burning the fruits of the earth, But above the foul fiend are the sun and the skies, Overruled to thwart Nicno.as, monarch of Lies. That the incense of thanks should ascend it is meet, For the Harvest that brings us such plenty to eat ; Ps AwFcL APPEARANCE OF OUR FRIEND JONES AFTER HAVING ENJOYED (?) A DAY'S | CRICKETING, WITH THE ADVANTAGE OF PLAYING AGAINST A FAST “ PROFESSIONAL” Bower. (Mrs. J.’s first suspicion is that her Husband has been acting as Umpire at a Prize-fight.) May the good food give strength to our hearts and our ands, To win peace from the Czar and his villanous bands! | Very Close Husbandry. Ir was stated last week in the papers that many farmers had given their labourers notice of a reduction of wages, ‘im consequence of the bountiful harvest. Is this the way to show gratitude for such a blessing? agriculturists, who are capable of sdlusing the wages of their labourers for such a reason, deserve to be reduced r themselves, so as ultimately to be set to work at macada- : mizing the roads im the capacity of reduced farmers. Tue Racx.—The place where men who are in the habit of drinking generally keep their minds and their bottles, WHAT IS A TRAVELLER ? We know a jovial old gentleman, who has answered this question very cleverly: — He books. is is as good as an “ Open Sesame ”’ at | once, for how can a gentleman’s word be doubted that he is a bond fide traveller, when he has a crimson Guide to Switzerland, or Sweden, or Turkey in his hand? The Gentleman we are alluding to always makes a point of carrying | one of these useful “Handbooks” with him | when he travels on a Sunday—even if his travels | do not exceed a sixpenny cab-fare from his own | door. He says he does not know an instance of its having failed to open the door once. In} fact, for ourselves, we have always heard that | a Murray’s Handbook was universally looked | upon as an undeniable on of an English | ‘Lraveller all over the world. | THE QUEEN’S LETTER. | Ir is said that Price Avpent, after taking) _ | his seat in the carriage of the Exrzxox or THe! - Frencu, handed to his Majesty a sealed letter, | sup to be an — h from Queen | Victoria. If this was really the case his Royal | Highness must have infringed the rules of the | man’ French Post Office, and subjected himself to a| rather heavy penalty. It is against the law to | hen h os haps be behalf of th though it may per on Of the | « Prince, that the letter was ta the Quezn had given her head to it. Should hand, we may expect to find that an item of ten- SAYINGS AND DOINGS OF ROYALTY. knocks at the door of an hotel, or public- papers have been pro- - i house, and demands admission on the plea of his | essing to give the exact m hey being a traveller. Upon his being questioned or | words, by cer : Rt detained, he produces one of Murray's Hand- tain imperial and royal *in a Surrey drama. Our own impression, from our acquaintance—which is rather select than otherwise—with crowned heads, is, that kings and em let | verse, though they do not talk in the slang of excessive familiarity; there is, however, a ter from land to France, | considerable margin in styles of address between the “ old the letter have been a private one from any other | Doopz on the one hand, or the utter unceremoniousness of Box and Cox on the other, , on the railings, or a stall , ‘ proached each other likea / couple of tragedy heroes, perors do not speak in blank + a ee ey the y ‘sire” of ancient tragedy. We believe that the royal personages lately assembled at ogne Fi ter was in fact stamped, for! met and talked like gentlemen, without either the courtier-like fooleries of Noopue and ; pence, the on a letter between England and sent as “conscience money” “unpaid postage.” VOL. XXVII. - M open for its evasion. , How Acts ane Watxzep Ixto!—It must be confessed that Parliament, in failing to to the Cuancetton or THE Excuequen for give the definition of “A Traveller,” in the New Beer Act, has left the door rather stupidly } | ete Those grinding Ae dee eee en te ee — ——— r ee ee ee . LL the Boulogne corre- spondents of the London j personages to each other, ae on the occasion of their i i recent meeting. Not e having had the happiness to secure a reserved seat a oe —we mean a fruit stall iy | —under the immediate nose, eyes, and mouth of { royalty, we are unable ‘pe to say precisely what | dropped from the last of the features we have ; specified. According to Hi one of the accounts we } have read, Lovis Napo- Leon and Leopoip ap- and the Emperor com- menced a long speech | ss with the word | “Sraz,” just as “ the walking ‘gentleman ” | apostrophises the “heavy |

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bss. PHYSICIANS IN MUSLIN. VERYBODY knows that the Doctors’ gowns are not worn in this coun- try trimmed with skirts or flounces, although it seems to be the fashion to wear them so in America, if we may credit the sub- joined extract from the New York Tri- bune :— “ PemaLe Payrst- otass.— The Massa- chasetts Legi-lature, at its last session, ap- propriated funds to the New England Fe- male Medical Colleges located in Boston, to pay for the tuition of 40 students annually.” Can none of our lustrated contemporaries give us an idea of the costume adopted in America by the female medical profession? That of the physievan of the old school, tastefully adapted, would be becoming. ‘The hair might be powdered, and gathered at the poll ina queue. Where the dress sets off bebind, the place of the little rapier might be supplied by a Cupid’s dart, in an elegant case or quiver, stuck diagonally ‘cross the prominence. The gold-headed cane could be matched by the gold-handled parasol. It would be necessary that the costume iould be of the BLoomer species, in order that the idea of it might be carried out by shorts (elongated to a suitable extent) of black velvet, with their accompaniments and continuations of silk stockings of the ume colour, and gold or silver buckles. Perhaps, after all, there is no great absurdity in the notion of female physicians. All physicians, except those who practise gratuitously, may be designated by the word female spelt with another ¢ ; and there are not a few of whom that is all that can be said. If the head of a woman is not calculated for the formation of a diagnosis, she can at least shake it, in a difficult case, as effectually as a man can; and, having a softer ind more musical voice than the masculine, she is better qualified than most men are for that large part of medical practice which consists ia whispering comfort to levelida, ‘ The Ladies’ College in London does not, we believe, grant medical degrees; but there appears to be no reason why it should not, if it chooses, confer on its students the distinctions ef Spinster and Doctress of Medicine. Nor is there any !aw, that we know of, to prevent a lady from serving an apprenticeship to a general practitioner, attending lee- tures, walking the hospitals, drinking beer, and-smoking cigars if she likes, and passing an examination at Apotheearies’ Hall or the College of Surgeons. It is quite possible that in a short time Savile Row may exhibit a succession of brass plates, engraven with the names of medical lad.es who have brass enough to place them on their doors. GIVE US THE PAPER.—WHO’S DIVORCED? We have received a file of papers from California, and we learn that the go-ahead population of that region have caused a new feature to be introduced into their newspapers. In the announcements of Births, Marriages, and Deaths, the e ifornians imitate our own press,—except that they frequently give the weight of the new baby, that they eschew the humbug which supposes that one parson cannot unite a lady and gentleman without “ assistance,” and that they occasionally launch out into franker and more specifie laudations of a deceased party than is usual here—indicating, if he were a tradesman, what article he was celebrated for selling in perfection and cheap, and not hesitating to re- cord that he was a “witty chap and a crack shot.” But they have vdded a fourth estate to the list, and between the Marriages and the last announcements they insert Divorces. And as divorce is cheap and easy in America, the papers are seldom without some notification of the kind, and of the reasons for the step which has been taken. Shall we ever come to this im England? Will divorcee ever cease to be the exclusive right of the rich man? And shall we ever read any- thing of this kind in the first column of the Zimes 7— DIVORCES. On the 18th ultimo, at the office of the Separator-General, Farornick Mowrtaour De Jowes, Esq. from Arapetta his wife, formerly Anaperta Baown, spinster, daughter of Baunapas Buows, of Old Partington Street, M.D. She wasnt going to PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. stand his staying out after twelve o'clock every night, and then eoming home in a state f mops and brooms and tumbling up stairs, she could tell him, and did tell him before | the Separator-General On the 19th imst.. by special licence, at Messas. Rasprr awp Brerow's offices, Hewsy Locics Tomxunson, Esq., from Marcamer his wife, formerly Mancanet Dovps, wicow. Her tongue. “On the 20th imst., at the District Separators, May Fair, Tmsoruy, Eart or Can- pawuMs asp Reprerres, K G., from Locnetta, his Countess, formerly the Hovsovras.e LucketiA Jevtm, Maid of Honour. He did not mind HoweLt amp James's, or Host awo KRosxgne’s, but whea she came to écarté at three in the morning, it was time to draw a line, “Oo the 21st, at the District Separator’s, St. Paneras, Jomw Pere Fawxa, Attorney- at-Law, from Ercew Avaeisa, his wife, for Miss Moowsuixe. He thought she had money ; she rhought he was romantic. were deceived. “On the 23rd, at the chapel, Kensal Green, Prancrs Caapies Toons, M_D., from Emus Martitpa, his wife, formerly Exaa Matitoa Veawow. Her old flame, Carrarx Honace B——, has just become a rich widower. Besides, Towzs smokes, and some- times swears.” Ur. Punch "sineerely hopes never to read anything of the kind. But who knows ? SPIRITUAL PERFORMANCES. We are informed by the Spiritual Telegraph, a new American paper, that aets as a kind of Telegraph between the Present and the Past, delivering messages from the other world at so much a line, that— “ The latest reports speak of a new drama dictated by the Spirit of SHaxzspearr: snd superior te any of his former works. It has been read to the manager of the Broadway Theatre, and is now about to be brought out as one of the greatest riosities.” Here is Novelty, that promises to be an effectual cure for the Decline in which our Drama is said to be in! Could not our managers,—our Bucxstones, our Smiras, our Cuartes Keans, and Conquests— engage the same “ Spirit” to write them a few dramas ?—dramas that should be superior to Macheth, or the Midsummer Night’s Dream, or any of the same Drama'ist’s former works; though by the by, if they were only as good, we should be perfectly content. We foresee but one difficulty to this very original plan—and that is the scarcity of Shak- spearean actors. If our managers engaged the Spirit of SuHaKsPEaRE to write them a tragedy, they would also have to engage the Spirits of other actors to act it, for we are sure we have but very few performers of the present day who could do justice to it. However, this double plan would only enhance the attraction, and we cam imagine the excitement produced by an announcement like the following :— On Monday next will Positively be Produced A NEW FIVE-ACT PLAY, i CALLED NAPOLEON BUONAPARTE ; | Warrrrew sy Tue Spreiv or Tae cetesraTsp WILuAM SHAKsPEARe | And in which the Spirits of Messrs. Edmund Kean, John Kemble, | Charles Kemble, Bannister, Oxberry, Incledon, Abbott, Egerton, | Warde, Mrs. Siddons, Miss O Neil, Mrs. Billimgton, &e. &c. will perform. Assisted by various other Spirits of Minor reputation. The Scenery by the Spirits of Vandyke, Hogarth, and Sir Joshua Reynolds; and the Dresses and Decorations by the Spirits of Brum- j mel, David, Gros, and Stuitz; all of whom have been engaged at an } enormous expense. The Incidental Dances will be presided over by ! the Spirit of Vestris (the acknowledged “ Dieu de la Danse.’’) j t> A Subordinate part will be plaved by the Spirit of the “ Imuowrat Baro” himself, who has kindly consented (through 4 talented Spirit-Medium ) to return to the Stage on this occasion only. *,* NB. No increase in the prices. The above would be something like a Bill!—a Bill that would be instantly honoured by thousands “at sight,” even if it were only “second sight.” We have but one fear that there would not be a Spirit Vault in the kingdom large enough to contain the thousands who would rush to‘hear the Spirited performances. We have, also, another fear, that this new scheme (which would not be in the least sacrilegious) of calling “Spirits fron the vasty deep,” and getting them to answer to the “call” (by the way, who would be the Spiritual Call-boy to this modern theatre des Bezux Esprits?) is fax too Spiritual ever to be carried out. Btack-Batt Paractice.—A man was never black-balled at a Club yet, but it turned out afterwards that somehow “his name had been put up without his consent.” Derrnition, 4 fa TALLEYRAND.—Lngratitude is only a painfal feeling of consciousness that there are no more favours to be reeeived from the same person.

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| see that the document is signed with the name of a Deputy-Adjutant PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL EXCUSE FOR HORSE GUARDS. E must not be too hard upon the gallant officers, of whom the late Court-Martial on Lyrev- TENANT PERRY was constituted ; we should not too severely con- demn the GengraL CoMMANDING- 1n-Curzr for recommending the confirmation of the judgment of that tribunal. Such a verdi such a sentence, on the part of a civil judge and a common jury, would certainly have been wm. atrocious. But it is unreasonable to expect the judgment of Soxo- mon from judges not endowed with Sotomon’s advantages; and when their learning and abilities bear no proportion whatever to| \ those of SoLomoy, it is only reason- | . able to be satisfied with a corres-| ’ ponding amount of justice and! wisdom in their decision. The “ Memorandum,” entitled “In-| structions for Officers on first} joining a Regiment or - contains much—very much—in addition to the spirit of pure morality | which it breathes, that will palliate the iniquity of the award in question. | For instance, take the very first paragraph: in which it is stated that | the Genera, Commanpinc-1n-Curer had apprehended that certain | “ inconsiderate officers ” “ Might bring their regiments into 4 unless, in their social conduet towards | each other at their mess-table and in their barrack-rooms, their behaviour should be | regulated by a higher standard of what is due to the honourable position in which they stand as holders of commissions in Herm Maszsty's Army.’ | _ Regulated, that means, by a higher standard of moral amd gentleman- | like feeling. If the author of the above-quoted clumsy pieee of eireum- | loeution hesitated to express his meaning in plain terms, he should of | course have said “estimate,” not “standard.” “ Standard of what is due!” What corporal’s grammar you would call this, if you did mot General ! | Here is a similar specimen of composition :-— “ The case ‘originated in a disgracefuPscene of deep gambling in a barrack room at Windsor, between Lizurenant Greer and Ligurenant Peary, terminating in a violent assault, in the course of which the most disgusting language was applied by Lisurexayt Greer to Lizurenawr Pxney.” In the course of the assault, or in the course of the “scene of deep gambling?” Why “scene,” when there were no spectators? “ Affair” is the word that would have been used by any decent clerk. One more example will perhaps be just tolerable :— “The language and behaviour which formerly were held to justify a challenge must now, therefore, be visited by the removal of the offender from the society of which be has shown himself to be an unworthy member. Every assistance and support are given to the young officer in his endeavours to avoid rendering himeelf liable to those consequences.” What this last sentence is intended to express is quite inconceivable. What consequences are those which it declares that the young officer, in his endeavours to avoid liability to them, receives support and assistance? Those mentioned in the preceding h are the removal of an offender from a society of which he has shown himself to be an unworthy member by language and behaviour which were for- merly held to justify a challenge. Does then Deruty Apsutayt- GenzraL WETHERALL, whose name is appended to the memorandum. wish to be understood as stating that young officers are assisted and supported in their endeavours not to be insolent? If not, what does | BorHeRatt—we beg poten, Wernerati—mean? And if he does mean that, is it his wish to imply that a young officer finds it so difficult to abstain from insolence as to stand in need of support and assistance in making the necessary effort ? Great allowance must be made for the errors in judgment of those who have manifestly not enjoyed the advantage of the simplest English education. Minds untrained to express their ideas in common lan are not likely to understand the plainest rules of evidence. An illiterate jury may, once in the way, return a virtually just verdict of “Sarve un right,” but is mach more likely to decide against testimony in the face of both law and justice. When heads at Head Quarters are so badly furnished as they are shown to be by the foregoing examples of grammar and logic, what must be the vacuity of those which are sub- ordinate ? But, if a Court-Martial and Commander-in-Chief have committed brutal injustice, have they not the excuse of equally brutal ignorance THE CZAR’S TREMENDOUS SACRIFICE. lw referenee to the four conditions for the restoration of peace, tendered by Austria to the Czar, we are informed by Submarine and European Telegraph that— “The Eurgrson Nicmonas would rather sacrifice his last soldier than accept such propositions.” As self-constituted Head of the Russo-Greek Chureh, Nicnoas is Pontiff as well as Czar. Im the character of High Priest he offers ay a yt + of kt ! lf is quite a i sort mage, combining, in himself, i Priest, King, and Shepherd. The mutton, however, which he devotes to his gods, is a two-legged species, and may perhaps have some little voice in the question of its own immolation. It is well that he has i his intention of sacrificing his last soldier rather than his pri His slaves will now have some leisure to consider how they like, amd whether or {mot they master to Moxoci. A BRILLIANT BLACK JOB. We are happy to hear that the Soeiety of Shoe-blacks is progressing | with a most satisfactory rapidity. Those who are employed in giving a he provides victims. The Russian Gen- | can help, being sacrificed by their | polish to the understandings of others must be gaining some enlighten- ment on their own account; and they are, at ali events, learning to regard dirt as a thing to be got rid of. A good deal of money has been earned ; but, although we dare say it is all right, we were somewhat startled by the expenditure of £203 for “carrying out the society.” We do not see what occasion there can be to “carry out the society” at such a cost as this; and, indeed, a society may be carried a long way, in these days of rapid progress, for a very little money. We should be perfectly satisfied to see less money devoted to “carrying out the society,” and more to carrying out the blacking. People who “ Haven't always been used to that Sort of Thing.” Lopeixe-House keepers, billiard-markers, charwomen, betting-house keepers, check-takers, pew-openers, pianoforte-taners, commission agents in the wine and coal trade, wet-nurses, the “walking gentle- man” at a large theatre and the “frightful example” at a temperance leeture. A JEW WHO SEES PURTHER” THAN HIS BOSE. A tonc-sientep Jew, of Holywell Strect, has sent his ecard to Co.onen Garrett and all the Officers of the #th, with the intimation that he gives “ the best price for uniforms that military gentlemen have no further use for.” oe neat ib ir agent j = oe

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- ae a ee an re Cee ere a es 106 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL g Ecce es Ss=i55 i 2 "-eae THE FRENCH CENT GUARDS AND THE BRITISH LIFE GUARDS; OR, SIX OF ONE, AND HALF-A-DOZEN OF THE OTHER. THREE EPOCHS OF HALF-A-CENTURY. 1804. I wonper what his thoughts were—that sallow, silent man— As Athwart the lines of bayonets the dancing sunlight ran, Steeping in golden glory the white tents on the down, And the old gray Roman watch-tower that looms o’er Boulogne town. Along the heights above the sea, along the beach below, The cannon and the mortars showed their muzzles all a-row. There were twice a hundred thousand men, that waited but a breath ' From those firm lips, to fling themselves, rejoicingly, on death. Ribbing the sky with masts and yards, like a wood on a winter day, | Within the land-locked basin three hundred transports lay. | And the soldiers swarm’d aboard them, and swarm’d ashore again, As in and out their galleries the ants swarm after rain. Did he think of all that he had done—or of what was yet to do ?— | Of nations he had conquer’d, or of one still to subdue | | Was he prouder that he stood there, acknowledged Europe’s lord, Or angrier one small island should yet defy his sword ? For from that tower by daylight, if seaward turn’d his gaze, Netson’s blockading if after dark he peas the cliff—on tbe verge, but full in sight, dd’ There were Eng And he knew those ships were waiting, if his dared put to sea ; And he knew those fires were ligh y men who still were free. And though his soldiers, ships, and were as twenty unto one, He knew what Englishmen could do—what Englishmen had done. A WORD TO ALARMISTS. and spreading exaggerated rumours respecting woul to treat the subject otherwise than in the spirit of anile consternation. Let the old ladies be got to confine their attention to scrubbing and washing their abodes, and employ themselves in useful precaution, instead of creating terror and alarm. The influence of fear in producing those morbid phenomena which, if unchecked, may terminate in the disease alluded to, is matter of popular and even puerile notoriety. For this reason those who are concerned in spread- ing a panic do a great deal of mischief; and they ought to be smothered. For the same reason it is but just to say that the greatest credit is due to Sin Bensa- win Hawt for going into the Python’s mouth, personally inspecting the infected districts, by his official presence as | Board of Health. | Who is not ashamed of giving way to fright, that thinks of our soldiers and sailors who are braving wounds and death! At the |same time they do all they can to defend | and their caution. | A Card. |ments to the Dean anp Cuaprer or Wesr- /MinsTER, begging to say that, far from | charging £200 for the statue of CamPBeExt, collection of poets and celebrities, for nothing! A BLOW! AND GREAT ENCOURAGEMENT. _ Tux new Smoke Abolition Act was intended encourages it, for does it not profess to indict all chimneys that do not smoke consumedly ? 'themselves. We should imitate their courage | | Mapame Tvussaup has sent her compli- she shall be very happy to exhibit it, in her STRINGENT measures should be taken for | stopping the mouths of all old women, of | either sex, who go about gaping and staring | the pean prevalent epidemic; and it | become some of our contemporaries | and encouraging and assuring the inhabitants | resident of the | to annihilate smoke, and yet indirectly it | uadron show’d its white sails through the haze ; s beacons blazing, like red eyes, through the night. ry .—— —— Like an unquiet tiger, that chafes, and champs, and cries | Before a couchant lion, that stirs not where he lies, | So chafed fierce France upon the cliff which looks on Boulogne town— | So still—so stern—lay England, upon the Kentish down. | } | | | 1840. I wonder what his thoughts were—that shabby, silent man— As thirty-six years later to shore a pinnace ran, Bearing a homeless penniless adventurer, with his train, A draggled pinioned Eagle, and some cases of champague. Was it trusting’to the magic of his great uncle’s name, That on a desperate venture thus recklessly he came ? Or deemed he, like that uncle, he was following a star, That beckoned him still forwards, on a road no force could bar ? Had he well read the people, when thus he came unto Their sympathy with hardihood, their love of /’imprévu ; Deem’d he the attendant eagle would guarantee the Jove ? Or was’t trust in five-franc pieces—like to his with whom he strove ? Did he foresee the downfall of that throne that seemed so sure ? Deem’d he that desperate evils would hail a desperate cure ? Was it Debt, or was it Destiny that drove him on his way To the maddest act that madman did ever yet essay ? How tured he on the scanty band that made his cause their own? Saw he or they the shadow of Revolution thrown From the dim Future forwards ?—saw he the prison-cell Opening upon the palace? His thonghte-—wheat man can tell? Enough that to this shore he came—landed and fought and failed : Nor in that madman’s enterprise—nor ever after—quailed ; ‘909 “ONT ‘HoNnG)

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Serremper 16, 1854.) 2 pate opemates - — Fa Fe ene 0h oh ne eet J atl BT in Bt THE ENTENTE CORDIALE. Emperor. “WELL, NOW YOU HAVE FOUND YOUR WAY HERE, WE HOPE WE SHALL SEE YOU OFTEN.” Prince. “OH YES, AND THE NEXT TIME WE HAVE A HOLIDAY, I HOPE OUR WIVES MAY BE PRESENT!” (Puncn, No.

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Seamer ams Logg hae 088 grr ERE Hr TTT i ” a. AN Re a) ma : . ey —— “~ cn s Saint « ‘ . K 4 ‘ - = ‘ b " 7 - samanet ee ey

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| | | 8 t and stern and saturnine, and | As one who threw a desperate throw a

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 109

A pleader for his forfeit life—a prisoner—but still j of an iron will. We cite the first Narotzon, when a banned and banished man, With his handful of old grenadiers he sprang to shore at Cannes, and thereby won a throne— | What was he unto his nephew—in ¢Aaé landing at Boulogne ? 1854. | I wonder what his thoughts were—that sad-eyed, silent man, As alongside Boulogne’s jetty England’s royal steamer ran ; | While with a King beside him, that adventurer was seen Greeting, as Emperor of France, the Consort of our QuEEN ? The ships around are gay with flags, the streets are green with boughs ; The people about him, with cheers and prayers and vows ; The court, the camp, the church, its best, its bravest, holiest brings ; There stamds the madman of Boulogne—a Kaiser among kings ! What memories are sweeping through that impassive brain ? Thinks he of that first lamding—of his out-at-elbows train ? Of the oath—or of the ballot—or of June’s red barricades ? Or thinks he of December’s yet bloodier fusillades ? Or turns he from the past—with its bead-roll of dark deeds,— [ts desperate eneoumters with yet more desperate needs, To the present with its trials, its triumphs, and its tasks, Or is ’t of the veiled future, her secret that he asks ? | Is he thinking how what shall be may wipe out what has been ? How the blood-staims may be hid from sight under the laurels green ° How long Prestige of Power may into silence awe The still small voice of Nemesis, the claims of Right and Law ? Why question thus? Heavensends the scourge; but in that cuidinghand, What chastens still to blessing turns. So doth this man’s command. , Own we in him an instrament, through sin. and pain, and blood, That worketh still, as all things work together, unto good. ’Tis due to him that France’s flag floats side by side with ours, *Tis due to him that France’s hosts are leagued with England’s powers ; Thankful tor this, ’twere out of place too curiously to scan, Through the good deeds of the monarch, the ill deeds of the man. “YOU JUST LET THAT TUB ALONE.” Tue Witlers must not blame us. We always told them that their Organ played flat—flat as yesterday-drawn beer—and now they are finding it out for themselves. They have held a large meeting to proclaim their discovery that the Morming Advertiser is unworthy of them. Cremorne, and Hampton Court, and the Coalhole all open fire upon the unlucky Tub, which rolls helplessly about like a buoy smitten | by eannon-balls. | the organ, to get rid of the present organ-blowers,” “The victuallers must in justice to themselves encourage other papers,” says one victualler. “ It rested with the trade, if not to give up says another. A third speaker announces that “the Morning Advertiser is barely tolerated in many houses. Asa literary production it is far behind | | the age; in point of intellect, it is a disgrace to the trade, and far in- | ferior to the articles in the Family Herald and other penny publi- | the public as a demon of darkness in its pages.” cations.” A fourth complains that Prince Atzert is abused by the poor Tub, and that “Sm Wirttam Moteswortn had been held up to A fifth is “ obliged | by rules to take in the paper, but hopes to get rid of it;” while asixth | goes savagely at our unlucky friend Jenxivs On The Beer Barrel :—“ It | offered a gentleman five was the management that was reducing the Morning Advertiser to its present wretched, canting, drivelling condition. Why, they actually ilhi per week for undertaking to supply the fashionable news of the paper, but afterwards consented to fom it | three half-crowns! ” We deeply sympathise with our contemporary, who is thus assaulted on all points, and who is declared to understand neither the interests | of his clients the witlers, nor the politics and fashion for which he ces them. We hardly know what advice to give him. He has , abused the Roman Catholies with every injurious epithet in the language _ thundering at them in a way to turn sour all the | and yet he cannot give satisfaction. He has even published Records of rons, iom the most w ul and adventurous tour that perhaps was ever accomplished singe Hogarth and his friends went to Gravesend, but the startling narrative, brilliant sketching, and deep pale of the work failed to tell. He has printed and praised the jerks and r of all his pee < hy ny vituperator the “ Englishman Out of Bedlam,” people, touching i M. sunleaat He their foreheads, said with Miss Fuirre, “ A little has landed Mz. Unquuanrt, and even proclaimed

temperance-lecturer. Lorp Duper Srvart’s fitness for office. He has committed ludicrous | typog errors, 1 might notice them, has | apologised = them next day. What more, we ask in all earnestness < pains Ss on. copeyeet conten , Can @ poor do who wishes to make a journal famous ? Punch will nae Tub ill- treated; we fought for PeRry, and certainly shall not “forget the humbler creature, Small Beer.” We will trouble the witlers to let | that Tub alone. , '

SLEEVES AND SAUCE. Tae most stupid and ugly fashions always last the longest. How many years the long dresses have swept | the streets! For the last twelve months bonnets have been flying off the head, | and so, probably, they will | continue for twelve more. However, the bonnets are sim ridiculous. As to | long een there is some- | thing to be said for them. | They are convenient to aged ladies. They enable them | to enjoy, without attracting tay remark, the comfort of list | } slippers and laced stockings and rollers for their poor y old ankles. They render it possible for young ladies to wear bluchers and high- lows, thereby avoiding damp feet, and to save - washing, by making one pair of stockings last a week. So they will doubt- ‘less continue to be worn whilst the laws of Fashion are dictated by a splayfooted beauty, or a lady troubled with bunions. But this kind of apology cannot be made for hanging sleeves. They are not only absurd but inconvenient. ‘Lhey are always getting in the way, and the sauce, and the butter-boat. Your wife cannot help you to a potato across the table but she upsets her glass, and breaks it with \her dangling s It may be said that your wife has no business to | help potatoes—that there ought to be footmen in attendance for that arpose. Certainly: or else, she should not wear the sleeves. But fades must, of course, follow the height of fashion, whether suitable to their circumstances or not. Could not the leaders of fashion, then, in pity to the less opulent, classes, devise and sanction a kind of sleeves adapted to life in a cottage—whether near a wood or elsewhere—to be called cottage sleeves, and to be worn,by the gentec! cottager-classes | without prejudice to their gentility ? Putting too fine a Point upon it. Amon the improvements to be adopted in the costume of the British soldier, we hear that those who wear helmets are to have a spike on the top of them. ‘Phis spike, which has often been a subject of amusing contemplation to us on the head of Prussian sentinel, has often rplexed us as to the use to whieh it could be put, and we think the British soldier will be puzzled what to do with it; for he cannot make it an instrument of attack unless he does what he is not at all in the habit of doing, and bows his head to the enemy. Perhaps indeed he may sometimes go full butt at a foe; but really we can ascertain no value in the spike, unless it be—as some fiend of mischief whispers in our ear—to make the British soldiers con-spike-uous ! A British Plora for Russia. tell us that the Victoria Regia has commenced flowering in a hot- at St. Petersburg. The fact is rather curious under resent circumstances, for we scarcely have expected to find our yal Victoria in St. Petersburg, where every house, and @ /fortiort a hot-house, would probably be too hot to hold her. gy however, to see Victonia, or at least the flower of her army, im ull blow at Sebastopol before the season is over. TE pa

Is rr S0°—The greatest rake, it is said, makes the best husband—on the principle, we suppose, that the greatest drunkard makes the best

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Oy Aes : oo en ee ert eet are “ renin Tne Neils | { | | | 110 GOOD NEWS FOR COCKNEY TRAVELLERS. We are happy to learn that the repeated complaints of the Cockney tourists, who so feelingly depict, in letters to the 7imes, the dangers and hardships of travelling, are likely to receive attention. The suggestion of the gentleman who desired that iron railings might be carried up Helvellyn and placed along the side of the precipices, in order PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. are already in course of construction. The caves of Elephanta will be ne and commodious seats fixed round them in the course of the season. In the present ticklish state of transatlantic politics, we are rejoiced to add that Presipent Prerce has signified to our representa- tive, that he means to have gauze screens placed all along the American side of Niagara, to keep the spray of the cataract from splashing. On the whole, therefore, we hope speedily to be able to assure the coward- liest and feeblest Cockney, that he may see the world in tolerable safety | to save him the expense of a conductor, and the requiremeut of the and comfort. | other old woman who demanded a Bath chair in which she might be wheeled up the mountain, have attracted the notice of the authorities, and arrangements are being made, both at home and abroad, in the pirit of those requisitions. The ascent of Snowdon will now be easy, the road having been paved with flagstones, and comfortable benches having been placed at every twenty-fifth yard. In the more steep parts, cranes have been fixed, by which, for a trifling fee, in pro- portion to his weight, the traveller can be lifted from height to height without trouble. Similar precautions have been taken with Ben Nevis, and a capital restaurant, with all the English, French, and Scotch papers, has been erected on its summit, and an electric telegraph from thence to the nearest hotel will insure a traveller any luxury Cesned what is mentioned in the carte. The whole of the water in the Cumberland lakes has been warmed, in order to adapt them to the wants of the class who chiefly complain, and who naturally miss, in travelling, the tepid baths in which they disport when their employers have allowed them to shut up shop. Arthur’s Seat has had cushions fitted to it, and Mac- gillicuddy’s Reeks have been expressly interdicted from smoking. A similar system has been pursued on the continent. Mont Blanc has been carpeted as high as the Grands Mulets, Mr. Atzert Siri having been requested to bring out with him, to Chamouni, carpets of the same pattern as those of the ¢apis in the Council-Room at Osborne, where he recently gave his entertainment, and he is also to make another ascent, for the purpose of indicating the best place for lamp- posts, the government having determined to light Mont Blane with gas, to the very top. We are glad to hear that the new Viceroy oF Gye is equally alive to the advantages of making travellers comfortable, and that he has caused an awning to be erected from SHeruern’s Hotel, at Cairo, across the desert, to the base of the Great Pyramid at Gizeh, and all the sand is to be wetted with otto of roses, by the Arabs, three times a day. The Governor-General of India, Lorp Datnousig, has sanctioned a plan for a railway from Calcutta to the summits of the Himalayas, and the Dhawalaghiri and Jewahir stations ao} MR. PUNCH TO AN EMINENT PERSONAGE, f\ ost EMINENT Lorp,—I HAVE \ scarcely congratulated our mutual friend the British « Public, on your return from _ ) Rome to Golden Square. \— = Itis an honour and pleasure to possess amongst us a Prince so illustrious—to tind him busy for our wel- fare, and devising kind schemes for our good. Knowing how excellent many of the customs are of the foreign cities in which it has been your good for- tune to be bred, you na- turally wish to benefit your province of England and your archdiocess of West- minster, with importations from abroad; and as my wife comes home with a bonnet from Paris, my son with a pair of mous- taches from Germany, your Eminence brings an ndex Expurgatorius from | the Vatican and a little plan of an Inquisition from Spain. | house in that modest Golden Square I think, with a respectful wonder, that the greatest man of all the Empire lives within. Principtbus prastat et regibus, &e. quotation. But so the fact is. You are the equal of th Mututeaw calls the “Shuparior” of Princes. Poor Dr. Sumyes is not fit to kiss your honour’s shoestrings, or Dx. WuaTELy to hold your red hat. Say that the Lorp Cuancet- tor, His Rorat Higuness Fietp Marsuat Prince ALBert, and your Eminent Lordship were to visit my humble abode, I should be obliged to give you the pas before H. R. H. the Fretp Marsnat—upon my word I should—you would have to lead Mrs. Punch into dinner : the other illustrious guest, of course, would be appropriated by my mother-in-law; and as for the Chancellor, his Lordship and I would be obliged to walk in the dining-room arm-in-arm. We should not be expected to kneel I suppose? I could hardly get my old knee-bones Often as I pass that modest | 1 will not continue the | e Queen herself, what my friend | A FISH OUT OF WATER, A down so low; not but that this very winter at Rome I saw scores of folks doing so, and kissing your Eminent Lordship’s hand as if it were a young beauty’s. What a fine thing it is to think that a man of this Prodigious Rank (for such yours is) should be an Englishman after all, and care for us, our laws and our people! In the late little affair of Borie cv. Wiseman you came into Court like any other Briton: and after writing a libel against this poor Bortz who vexed you (holy Jos was vexed with ’em too) how affably you took advantage of the law which nonsuited him. It is the greatest compliment which has been | paid to our Courts, since Paryce Hewry’s be- | that notorious affair with Chief A Cardinal by the Divine haviour in Justice GaScoYNE. pity, a Prince of Rome, you came into an | English Court to take your chance there: you stood by the laws of your country: that is to say, you did not exactly stand—you bolted as the law gave you full permission to do—I can fancy the confusion of poor Bore losing you when he thought he had got you: and the calm good- humour of your Eminence’s face, seeming to say, “ Don’t you wish you may ?” The law business, although noble and edifying, is not however that which occasions these brief Lordship’s ap as an educator of all England that the Nation ought to be congratu- lated. It’s kind of you. like is the Roman system. What we want is a |and respectful remarks. It is on your Eminent | e very thing we | good Index Expurgatorius: a parental board of | Inquisition to look over the books for our ES : and prevent them from being poisoned by bad literature. Most pestilent lies are told by fellows who write books: most wicked doctrines pro- | mulgated: and it is uncommonly good-nat in @ man occupied as your Eminence is, in the affairs of your own church: rows and squabbles |

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Trryrvs and Metisezvs! | ration; that your journals take their {ill| in abusing our Church and Club on Sunday.” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 11 with refractory priests: affairs of your newly-created province: regu-| political establishments (I have heard of Dr. Newman in the pulpit lations of suffragans and minor clergy: writing articles for the Duédin| making admirable fun of the former) ; that you are free to publish your Review : and reports to that august foreign Court and Sovereign, greatest | tracts, apologues, homilies, and sell them where and at what price you of all Courts, Sovereign of all Sovereigns, of which, and under whom you | please, is it not a little premature in your eminent Lordship to are yourself a most distinguished and ornamental Prince and Dignitary— | quarrel with other folks for doing exactly what you do? Were you in I say it is exeeedingly kind of one so illustrious and so busy to think | a station of “ political influence” I do not say, of course you would about us outside Britons at all, and offer to help us in our emergency. gag every man of us according to the Roman mode; but meanwhile, I had read in my favourite Journal, The Record, a brief report of “Car-| why should we have a censorship for our press? on account of the prvaL Wiseman’s Lecture on the Home Education of the Poor,” but | hostility to our received institutions of any writer or y of writers waited until Sunday and my still greater favourite, the 7ab/et, arrived, | living among us? Upon’ my honour and conscience | do not believe with the authentic report of the Lecture. Here is the journal before | there is any yin B 80 to our views of, right, morals, me which s out like aman for its own part, and saying, “ We have | politics, as the party of which you are the head. And you are let to often thought that even to a limited philosophical poimt of view the! to sneer, insinuate, deny, assert exactly what you please. Say a Index of Prohibited Books, of all other Catholic Institutions the one Mormonite Gospel is an absurd and monstrous dupery in my eyes: so scorned and hated by Protestants, is one ‘hat commends itself most highly | 1 believe is a winking statue. But the man who advocates either is to the calm view of .” Here is the Tablet and the report of the | welcome to publish his belief in this country, where the mischief is met Cardinal’s Lectures. May I venture to make a respectful tonsure in not by persecution, but by free di ion, and where Joe Smiru’s the columns ?— disciples (decently attired) have as good a right to a sea-baptis as “ His Eminence confined himself chiefly to the general topic of the want of a suitable Dr. Newman to wear a hair-shirt or Farwer Ienatrus to shave his popular literature, reserving for his next lecture the cousideration of the modes by head. How did you win those two gentlemen over to your side? By which it might be supplied. It seems most important, said Mis Eminence, that the | free discussi : : . public, especially those interested in the education of the people, should know what is | ion. How is the conversion of all England to come about, at present the literature which awaits the rural population on leaving school. In and the day when we shall all be. dowm om our marrowbones in the France this has been done, and it may be useful to know the results of the inquiry. street when your Eminence walks it? By more free discussion, more For several hundred years the population of France was supplied with a cheap lite-| hooks, more preachi more more cuts at the Established rature by the well-known system of Colportage, by means of which some eight or nine | Church and what not P We can’t have millions of small volumes and pamphlets were circulated amongst the people. But in age nos. ° 1852 a decree was issued by the Minister of the Police appointing a commission to ex-| Yet in your own particular interest; otherwise your shop would be shut amine all books sold by licensed hawkers, who were in future not to be allowed to! ag as other peoples. and your preachers would be as mum as the cirenlate any without the Government Stamp of approbation. This very interesting Maprar iterature . report of the Commission has this year been published, from which it appears that of the ao field the wholesome lite and the bad, Se ie rd the books that had been examined three-fourths had been condemned. . . . . ir and wheat, must grow up together, and, saving your unent | were in @ position of political influence (said His Eminence) I should moststrongly urge presence, that is very likely the reasom why some of the rubbish, upon the legislature the importance of appointing « Commitier of Inquiry into this matter.” | stamped with the tiara and cross keys, and guaranteed with a “ permissu - 3 ¢ : }4 : Of course you would. You would do as they do at Rome. We have| — — allowed to rp os. Bae pay read about eqpugnention comburendos, expurgandos, an@ the old pro- A ~ + pernicious lteramass } ions cesses; which commend themselves, as our friend the Tablet says, ! O most eminent that commission of inquiry as | _——s= Lord! Don’t you think for absurdity, for | | “most highly to the ealm view of reason.” And if you were in a Superstition, for mischief and folly, there are books published by your | “s* s* * fl 4 own | er Yen Pt we nee, Gar Deep er epee Penny Novelist, or your obedient humble servant, But you see you are not in a position of political influence. We don’t | a ) ree | want to go down on our knees, as they do at Rome. To kiss your! — a ee ae hand is not to us the source of the slightest comfort. Gentlemen who a r wu choose to do so - weleome ; but it appears from the Census church PURSUIT OF KNOWLEDGE UNDER DIFYICULTIES. returns that you and your followers are but as two hundred thousand, | : nd : —_ to the ten millions of the unroman English. Cuappanp has as large | ,, a Morning Post, aa © recent fire its Sear | @ flock as you have; who, had he his will, would no doubt smash! . ne was Caused b ae -~ on from this the windows of your mass-houses, break your images, and bonnet your niture r a coding ay" © cann ty oy , os ‘aes Eminence on your big hat. We give hospitality to Cuappanp and Statement, bed, bat > Vue me candles —y peed en Wiseman. hy not to other religionists ? Our exemplary ally, who ar ay adi : t pce — =: —_ ty — has stopped the Colporteurs, has stopped Punch too in his dominions. havi . cad etic hoy: An _ ut & ~~ for he farniture to ~ Can it i thet if a Eminence were in a position of political inGoseee =i in bed — Sais uneacduiadile What ae the particular you would go so far? ven help us! I fear yes. We should have} read den most ; ae — a certain shop in St. Bride’s shut up if that “political influence” could | *tiele of furniture that was thus unseasonably devoting itsel! ~ lite - but be managed: and “calm reason” could but get its own way. ¥ | Sure we are not told. Perhaps it was the Sofa, studying its own history | would no more let us in than in Rome, where you have political influence, Ci CowPEn’s woe oa . a ld — readin J Lge ae | you let the Thirty-nine Articles pass the Porta del Popolo! Faney | OOK; oF it —_ toe mn ioe a Bat the e. what ~~. your Eminence’s faith and practice restored among us, and we should ‘0 turn over other leaves than its own. But be the culprit what mf see, not only Fraxcis Moors, Physician, against whose poor old alma- We hope the example will not be followed, as we are sure it is as painful | aes you are wrath, but CHARLES JAMES. (now James of London), and | the Morning Post to describe such things as to us to read of them. | Mr. Punch walking out of the city, and across the fines patria, like | PUNCH. THE TYRANNY OF FURNITURE. | Iris a folly to suppose, when a man amasses a quantity of furniture, that it belongs to him. On the contrary, it is he who belongs to his fur- niture! He is bound hand and foot by it—he is tied by the leg to his |own mahogany! He cannot move anywhere without dragging his fur- niture after him—he cannot go abroad without previously finding a home for his furniture ; he cannot be absent for any time without first taking every precaution that his furniture will be properly provided for in his absence. If he projects any little trip, the thought that always stops him at the door, is, “ Whatever shall I do with my furniture ?” aman who boasts of his freedom is the secret slave of his furni- ture. No man can call himself perfectly free who, whatever he does, or wherever he goes, has always to carry in his mind so many chairs and tables ! | Conscience Money for Intemperance. | Tue CHancetton or tae Excnrqvrn has to acknowledge the receipt of 5s. from “D. D., for amount of penalty due by reason of excess in port.” Also of £91 5s. from “Bino, money owing to Government for the state in which he has gone to bed every night for the last year.” Likewise of 15s. from “Tungex Jouiy Posrsors Considering that your religion is not ours, but exists here on tole- Damxine at tHe Canuton, for fine after dinner at their that can equal Francis Moons, the Kadical press, the | pace

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bas pe, ee eigen a

112 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL.

WU

} — = A”, rr — = ‘ Vv \ if Z - iy Ey 4 1 } ! ail ' } — 3 || ——— me ~ Al - ~ = - er - - = ee . — —— Ss “= ~ - — ~S a -7 P 4 <=. a ae THE LIFE-GUARDS AT BOULOGNE. AFTER THE FATIGUES OF THE REVIEW, A GALLANT FELLOW IS SHOWN HIS BED. A VILLAGE HAMPDEN IN THE CHURCH. A Vix.ace, or at least a pastoral Hamppen is not always doomed to neglect, and it is probable that he will be more than appreciated if he happens to be the son of a Bishop. The following paragraph, extracted from the 7'tmes of one day last week, will quite justify our statement “Rarip Eccrestasticat Promotion. —The Rev. Eowarp Rex» Hamppex, a son of the Bustor or Heasrorp, bas made rapid progress in Church preferment 'n the course of the present year. Early in the year the incumbency of Breinton, in the diccess of Hereford, became vacant, and the Bishop conferred it upon his son. He had held this living but a few weeks, when Canon Muserave, Rectcr of Eaton Bishops, was preferred » « living in Yorkshire. The rectory of Eaton Bishops, being worth about £500 a year, and in the gift of the Bisgor of Heneronp, was conferred upon Ma. Hamrogy He had not long been installed into the rectory of Eaton Bishops, when the death of the Deaw ov St, Asap rendered vacant, among many other benefices, the rectory of Cradley, worth £1,000 a year. This, being one of the Bishop's livings, was conferred upon Ma. Hamppes, and he has been duly collated to it by his father. The Reverend gentleman has thus been preferred to three benefices in the course of a few months.” The “ fortunate youth” mentioned in the above extract seems to have risen with a celerity and success that entitle him to be considered as a sort of ecclesiastical aeronaut, and his ascent may be regarded as a piece of church ballooning that throws into the shade by its excessive

PRINCE ALBERT AND THE BRITISH CONSULATE AT BOULOGNE. We are authorised to state—or in other | words we are justified in stating — that | Prixce ALBert, as he ed from the Port | of Boulogne along the de Boston, must | have felt extreme mortification at the sight | of the old tin pot shop, over which the British | Consulate hangs out for the purpose of selling passports. The whole concern is derogatory | to the dignity of the British throne, of which the crazy old chair in the one pair back is the temporary representative. The rather irri- table individual who rushes out from an inner room when the bell rings, to confer aid and protection on the part of Sa Majesté Britan- nique, was of course not presentable as the representative of the English Government ia Boulogne, on the arrival of Prince ALBERT. Had His Royal Highness been desirous of visiting the consular establishment on the | Port, he might have hauled himself up the | dark and narrow o- 2 a rope which } loosely does the duty banisters. By pushing open a door, he would have rung a bell, which might probably have brought an old woman or a young child into his illustrious || | presence. \iHi}], It may perhaps be convenient that the | WIHT | Consulate should have a passport shop in the AHN lower town,.and that the public should be i} HH spared the trouble of going to the distance at \\\|) | which the Consul resides,! but surely, con- ||| | sidering the profit on the passports, a more vn decent boutique might be engaged than a SD i lodging over the tin pot establishment.

————_— eS eee ees SS

How the World is Ruled! (By an old Schoolmaster .) Tae World, to my eyes, is divided into two classes—those whose province it is to dictate to others, and those (the more numerous class) who are bound to — ype fone ‘ It ie) would do a great of goo the two . classes could occasionally Pam places, so that those who dictate might know that it is not always so agreeable to be dictated to.

- UPON THEM—CHARGE ! Tur Forty-Sixth will, it is said, immediately leave for the East. Weare rather surprised to hear that the Commander-in-Chief has altered the proper destination of this regi- ment, which it was supposed would be im- mediately sent to Coventry. boldness, the comparatively commonplace exhibitions of aerostation at Cremorne and Vauxhall Gardens, ‘The Reverend gentleman, starting from rather low ground, suddenly shoots up to the parsonage of Brein- ton, and ascending rapidly, he reaches the adjacent heights of the rectory of Eaton Bishops. Here he scarcely pauses, but continuing his upward career, he touches the rectory of Cradley (worth £1,000 per annum), having thus reached within a very brief space of time three different points of elevation, all within the diocese of his excellent father, the good Bisnor or Hexerorn. , . It will be admitted that there is nothing in the annals of ordinary ballooning that beats this achievement in audacity, and we think the lessee of Vauxhall may now complain with reason, that while he was not permitted to make money by sending up the Italian Brothers hanging by their heels, and risking two lives, the ecclesiastical aeronauts have been suffered to experimentalise on three livings. We presume the reverend gentleman has not been overloaded with ballast, nor could he have much occasion for grapnels—as there has been really nothing for him to grapple with. The name of Hamppen is illustrious, and “the cause for which Hamppen fell in the field” is never spoken of without respect by Englishmen, but “the cause for which Hamrogn rose in the Churchy’ will, we fear, give rise to a feeling of a very different character.

Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras. and Fr-derick Mullett Evans, of No. 27, Victoria Street, in the Parish of St. M-rgaret and St. John, Westminster, both ia the County of Midaleses, Printers, at theur Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of W hitetiars, m the City of London, and Published by them at No. 56, F the City of Lendon.—Sarvuapar, September 16, 104 »Fieet Street in the Parish of St. Bride, ia

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| nian Gate, and nave as good a right to say my say as Ma. Locas. Nor, upon | Saint, ~ | common occasions, can there be any earthly use in using such naughty words as PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 113 King Arthur and Jack the Giant Killer in their place in A SECOND LETTER TO AN EMINENT PERSONAGE, | English history. Read me my favourite little bit about _. |Saorr Germanvus, my dear, from the Lives of the English BSURDITY and een, Saints, M Punch re [rae lh, = a. “While Sarvr Gunwawvus was in this country (449), the Saxons made : one > ey Bg Pf w ine in | ‘se on at me number as ever was of the British forces. Having led the troops into a narrow d+ file he gave of this Miscellany. “ My —— —- ae » holy Bishop ae ~ - . | com mn secure , the y three Mr, Pune: 5 — sive times, the word ALLELUIA, which wes immediately taken expressions are t to | 4? ts amy ; i ed and reverberated the echo from use concerning @ great | tun viclence thet the pm Sali din body of Christ lans, and seemed to tremble. The barbarians supposing so loud a shout must to their chief in thig i*sue from an immense body of men, threw down their arms, and ran country! What is the|***7 = sit directions.” use of hard words? What! Now, I can beat this with a hundred éxtracts out of the eall have you to be put-' Goldex (which is in the book-case yonder), but I ting your old nose ito will trouble your Kminence to match it out of Francis the quarrel, and is it (the Moors. Suppose the country restored to the faith of our \ —— ee = hers, suppose an army ang of Lbs x ag A a re \ your interference ?” — of al Doe of Greek salemation . . | possession of the enemy ; What right have his| under Nicno.as of Be 7 his son, with a bat- Rulneses, wr NicHow’s tery of guns before the marble arch. Nicwoias (the Czar ARDINAL WiseMaw and jg about to open his fire, Nicwoxas the Cardinal orders \ ~ a oe to three volleys of Alleluia along his whole line, and away .- = a uu = they | goes the Calmuck horse, foot, and dragoons, aaving pans, would like appoint & standards, muske's, lances, knouts, &c., behind ; \ , censorship over our lite-/ Would you, on your conscience as an Englishman, and _‘\ rature? My Sir, I“, posing you were in an influential military position,” “LE / pay taxes in Fleet Street handle the British army in that way? Is that story not in = as well as his Eminenee| your books? Do you believe in it or any part of it. Ought -= in Golden Square—L am |it to have occurred—Did Sart Geamanvs so defeat the Civis Romanus as well as} Picts and Danes potentially? Pooh! — . the Prince of the Flami-|* Now, my oo child, read me that bit about my darling AInT GUNDLE. aT | ; RNs Ho . = i | tee . Ss | superstition, absurdity, folly, &c. to any body of brother Englishmen. ne Geren. ee oy ee our Eminence does not use a hard word—you are as mild as milk—you would | supernatu:al voice broke in on the slumbers of Guwpix and GLavusa, just like to have 2 little ee ove us, for a ty of the adr ante _ = King of 4 hath collet r. hither. co oF peasantry and mechanies in these islands—just to see that lies are not told to them, ‘ whieh and they are kept out of harm’s way. Were you in a situation of political influence | °C Lif.up yvur minds, and | ae ey ~~ s. you would strongly urge the importance of an inquiry—that’s all. What on earth | steed is there is thy babitation.’ the good af beng angry se ne he ease i er ie Potztausend Donnerwetter! Corpo di Bacco! Mille tonnerres d’un petit bon pete yp ok by a and these be began on homme ! When you propose, ever so politely, to gag the press of this country, we | abstinent and saintly life; his dress « bair cloth, bis drink water, hia | | | | | intend to be ina rage. Sing, chant, shave, wear hats as broad as you like, gloves) bread of barley mixed with wood-ashes. He rose at midnight and as crimson, stockings or no stockings. No man wants to meddle with you. But | Plumeed Seren ae hy yore Jeave us and our liberty alone. We will not have it gagged or shorn in the Roman eet fashion, and at the slightest hint yy that way, we shall do our best to| There’s a king in Glamorganshire for you! “ The King of = his livelihood,” —At, awaken the wrath of our Sovereign ter the British Lion: in the den of whose | Heaven” sent a to him to leave his wife, live on magnanimity your Eminence and followers are welcome to rest in peace; but from a rising hill, dress in hai mix wood ashes with his whose mane, please the Fates, you shall not shear a single hair. Poor decrepit peg Sn and jump into cold water at midnight! In toothless Old Francis Moorg! Why should he not be let on to mumble his old | another charming , in the life of sweet Saint Eppa, humbugs? The old gentleman has nearly lied himself out; and quakes his old | we are told Saint Curusent that— rophecies to but a very very few old women. Need we send for familiars of t , iinet aint, nquisition to clap a erchief over his face, and drag him away to the Holy | ,,.1¢'% well known thet Sancr Curae eet 2 vosy axtraordinary Qffice? To let him talk on is best :-—to let everybody speak. He has as good a! pitch . . . . Yet such was the reputation of Enoa’s sanctity and right to preach and to frighten his congregations, and to conjure the stars, and to | the «piritual wisdom of her discourse, that Saiwt Bune informs us that bawl out his abracadabra, as any other professor. And it is because you would | Then she sent messengers to the man of God. he nent sad wolont- persecute him, that [ am moved, yea, feel constrained to say, “O Sir, Have you not fait, and ating the hours of darkness in prayer, either up to his neck also got a grimoire, and a wonder- k, that seems to us unbelievers no better than | in the waver, or in the chilly air.”—St. Bbba, 114, frie j . P niend Fasncis's hoons Master Punch, to take And we may be sure the Chronicler speaks in terms, I said “ absurd,” I said “mischievous.” I beg my son ‘ - rege # down from the bookshelf some amusing volumes which | keep there, to wit, the Poetic and respectful, of “the bair shirts and the 1 the Essay om Development, and the Lives of the English Saints, written by several clerical me aud the secret spikes co — the flesh, my Aa gentlemen who, no doubt, have knelt long ere this at your fe feet. weals of the — discipline, a 4 Ge ques t - I declare, on my conscience, that the credulity which Francis Moor, Physician, the stone pillow the cold vigil,” which these goc would .~ of re is a trifle compared to fat demanded by yone Dore Re ee to on another, and would recommend to my son, from the Bssay on Development, the proper way in which the faithful s et ion sale receive the stories regarding the Church. — ‘ | Tf Absurdity and Superstition, mischief and foll are hard Master Punch reads— words, as [ own they are, are they too ? But I “ Mythical representations, at least in their better fi , idered facts ti = wah al ea rena. — eo io harder ‘ l, nm their er form, ~~ 4 a e ~ fhe an ves sti upon poor 0 Y RANCIS RE'S. of of the details of mach narratives at af centnin allewed miracles’ or herole acts or apecchen all of}, Put wp the precious volumes, little Punch, my son! I which are the spont produce of religious feeling under imperfect knowledge. It the alleged have done. I am going to call no more hard names: and tacts did not occur, they ought to have occurred (if I may so speak); they are such as might have | would live in peace with every gentleman, and have him sa’ oceurred, and would have occurred under cirenmstances : and they belong to the parties to whom they his best likes him. Good Saunt Eomuwp, as are attributed potentially, if not actually.” — 345. ayers as kes " , + aig | ; : would so spend the whole night, beating his breast, Now is a doctrine like that absurd or not ? mischievous or not? Would you and falling with bis bare knees on the floor, in such a way have country village-folks instructed in history after this fashion, your reverences as to disturb the sleep of his clerks who were lodged beneath. providing the details? Would our friend the Astrologer ask for better laws of I know not if your present Eminence bumps up and down evidence, and upon such, might he not call upon the le to believe in Ais friars,\in this manner, or if sleep over your secretaries, Friar Bacow and Friar Buxcay? Given this, cal ie Masesty’s Inspectors | Monsignor Searve Ma. Gartnonw—in that case, it of Schools ought to examine boys in the Seven Champions of Christendom, and put | is them I would pity: not with your Lordship I would VOL, XXVII, N

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ney - tte reseateenis he ‘ he, es aed . ed et vw } ; } 1 ; ; 3 Tint igus tas MiSs | When I heard an an 114 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. interfere. May you have a quiet life, and give us one! May all mollahs, priests, rabbis, have peace! May bishops in our native shovel- hats, or pontiffs in those more extensive tiles which roof the heads of the Roman clergy, have the respect of their flocks, and preach and yractise to their edification! But prythee, my Lord Cardinal, owe us alone, standing on our ancient Anglo-Saxon ways. Bring no Roman Sbirri to guide us. We wish to be allied with our friends in France ; but we desire to keep our free press too: The Tadlet says rightly, that “the Index of Prohibited Books is of all things the most seorned and hated of Protestants;” Yes. And we won't have it, how- ever much, as one of the Indicators, your Eminence may recommend it : We won’t have it: by Saust Gutuiac and Sarst Gupte! PUNCH. DRAT THE FLIES! OR, THE PEST OF THE SEASON. Tre sun was hotly shining on a fine September day, y matron so bitterly inveigh Against the tribes of insects that im Autumn’s time arise ; She clenched her fists and stamped her feet, and cried, “Ah—drat them flies ! “ There ain’t no rest, nor quiet, nor comfort to be had For them nasty filthy creatures ; they’re enough to drive one mad ; They settles on our noses ; they whizzes in our eyes ; hank thaptnnesmennes in our ears: ah—drat them plagny flies! } “ There’s not a safe that’s safe from ’em ; no apple-room without, And them vexatious wapses, which also is about, And one can sting almost as bad as t’other when they tries, Ay, through a cotton stocking too: ah—drat them vicious flies ! “Them hojus big blue-bottles blows over all the meat, To that degree that mutton can’t be kep’ a day to eat ; They swarms in every pantry; and them of smaller size Bespots and spatters mee Be : ah—drat them horrid flies! a by sticks in treacle, jellies, preserves, and sweets, and jams, And they breeds their nits, and 1oppers, and choppers in our hams, They infestes every cupboard ; not a hole but where they pries, No crink or crank but,they creeps through: ah—drat them crawly flies ! “They drownds theirselves in milk-jugs and gets into the tea, In every sugarbasin there’s always two or three, We finds ’em in our puiddins, we finds em in our pies, I’ve no patience with the rebels: ah—drat them tiresome flies ! “ They ferrets into wardrobes ; and there they spiles the cloth, For tis my firm opinion ’tis they that breeds the moth,— And te'| me what you will, you won’t persuade me otherwise, No, get along with you: I say, ah—drat them noxus flies ! “T lays about fly-papers in every room in vain, Catch hundreds and kill thousands, as many comes again, Just like them Rooshian locurses, which also I despise ; I can’t abear no insex : ah—drat all them nasty flies ! ” | WHAT IS THE NEXT ARTICLE? OR, THE PLAGUE OF THE SHOP. Is some remarks which we lately had occasion to make on the subject of Early Closing, we a eon Fi a habit, common among shop- men, particularly those of linendrapers, of attacking the purchaser of any commodity with the question—“ Any other article to-day, Sir?” If a mild answer is returned in the negative, the query is followed up with suggestions of “other articles;” so that a man cannot enter a shop to get a pair of gloves without the fear of being bored by a series of importunities. In case the customer is a lady, the annoyance thus given has generally the effeet of driving her to purchase a quantity of goods that she has no oceasion for—and the triek smeceeds. But the consequence of this practice is, that no mam will go into a linendraper’s shop if he can help it, or trust his wife or daughter sho ping, except in case of absolute necessity. It is therefore for the trade to consider whether they dd not lose more than they gain in the long run by causing their customers to be worried in this manner. If ahem wish to be truly polite, they will relinquish their system of foreing sales by practising on the delicate feelings of ladies. A lady eannot utter those brief exclamations by which an individual of the sterner sex is permitted to stop the mouths of the troublesome. Over-eagerness to sell frequently defeats its owm end. We have often bolted from a book-stall i disgust because we were di in turn- ing over the volumes by the proprietor darting out upon us and pestering us with the enumeration of works which he seemed to thimk we were looking for; instead of quietly placing his catalogue withm. our reach. Only the other day, a boot salesman prevented us from further con- sidering a contemplated investment of capital ina pair of men’s strong walking,” by making a dead set of this kind at-us-with, “ Now then, Sir! - J can we serve you with, Sir ?—prime i t Bluchers —superior Alberts,” &c. Of course any man oftrefimed feelings who is thus interrupted in reconnoit the assortment: of a stall or a shop window, instantly vanishes. 47 not made up his mind to buy; it is possible that he may not buy, and he feels that in entering into a negotiation which will perhaps turn out abortive, he may excite hopes destined never to be realized, and trifle with the feelings of his fellow- creature in an apron. His impulse to p is, moreover, accelerated by the consideration that the bargain into whieh it is attempted to hurry him would be very likely to prove a take-in. Should the foregoing amano not oceasion the instant abatement of the plague and nuisance against which they are directed, its victims will be obliged to put a stop to it themselves. Solicitation might be | met with banter, and when teazed by being pressed to declare “ What | is the next article ?” the customer might ask for certain lengths of the Quarterly, or, perhaps, inquire if the establishment kept the present artiele in Puach, HONOUR IN STORE FOR NICHOLAS. Cuaristina—says the Lisbon correspondent of the Zimes—travels under the title of the Comwress p’lnamenpg. Lovis Puuuupre, after his expulsion from France, assumed the title of Count pDE Neuitty. The exiled claimant of the crown of that country is the Count pe Cuamporp: the gentleman who holds the same relation to Spain, calls himself the Count pe Montemoims. May the happy day arrive, and arrive speedily, when the Emperor or Russia shall ae reduced to a Count: and a light let-off that will be for the murderer of a more than half-a-million! What Countship will he rejoice in? Shall | his title be the Count or Sinope? Or the Coust or Opgssa, which he has doomed to be burnt, if peradventure the flaming ruins of his subjects’ homes may serve to arrest the march of the Allies to his chastisement? Or would the Knouter of the Nuns rather prefer to | travel adorned with the dignity of the Count or Mriysk? For the | blessed hour at whieh he may have to take his choice may come. Recent as well as remote history proves that evil rulers are sometimes called to a Count—even here. Little War Problems. lstly, Grvew :—An Army of Occupation. Requirep :—To Find, if you can, what it has oecupied, and what has been the particular na‘ure of its occupation. Qndly. Grvex :—An Army of Expedition. Requrrep :—To Find out, if possible, the amount of expedition it has shown, and whether PrckrorD, or anv common carrier, would not have expedited matters much more quickly in infinitely less time. Uxrounpeo Rumovur.—There is no truth in the report that the next edition of Mr. Tewnyson’s “In Memoriam,” is to be dedicated to the officers of the 46th. | | | —

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- - Bee. ee, sires

| PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. 115

THE ATTACK ON BOULCGNE. HE rumour that the Emperor contemplated another attack on Boulogne, threw the in- habitants of that Angio-Gallic watering- — into — bordering on —— ones, of Cheapside, who happened to ing at a Boulogne board: i

communication with the hal! porter, who put Jones (who was ing troublesome) out- side the door. select society of English who meet at one of ‘the oe. —_s traordinary meeting which was enly broken up by ‘the still more extraordinary meeting “of the ebairman with his tailor, who had-strolled imto the coffee-house, and whose presence eaused the chairman to vacate the chair-with a precipitancy which led the —- that the attack on Boulogne commenced. = Adeputation of ‘British nursemaids had been appointed to waiton the Emperor to ask him*to spare the children, and in several places white pi were suspended from the windows as flags of truce. The lish eoal-merchant threw himself at the feet of the Emperor, and begged that if it should be | thought necessary to sack the city, his Majesty would not sack the coals. All idea of opposition to the advance of the Emperor was abandoned, but the British consular on oy office seemed to be fortified | by a tremendous weight of metal, m the shape of the tin pots and saucepans in the window of the shop below. This, however, was merely by way of demonstration, for there was no intention on the part of the consular authority to offer any opposition to the em of the Emperer. The whole city, in fact, seemed prepared to place iteelf “m the hands of the invaders, amd ‘there was scarcely an apartment that might not-have been taken bythe first who approached. The hotels and pastrycooks, expecting to be besieged, laid in an extra supply of provisions in the besiegers, so that the surrender was complete.

PUNCH AGAINST MAWWORM. Tue Sabbatarians pretend to retort upon Mr. Punch the charge of wishing to take away the Sunday of the people. Their morning journal represents him as having “required” that “a poor cab<driver, after tollimg through six days in the week, should be obliged to rise on Sunday, like all the other days im the week, to clean his cab and his horse, and to place himself on the stand, ready to convey Mr. Punch to the Richmond Railway.” Mr. Punch begs to say that he “requires” that no cab-driver whether ee ee should be “obliged” to do anything of the kind. He extends this disavowal to the case of the “hundreds of railway servants” whom he is supposed by the same journal to have “ calculated on finding at Waterloo station,” of the vehicles which it alleges that he “demanded to find at the local station,” and the taverns which it avers he “expected” would be open for him all day and all night. All that Mr. Punch “requires” and “demands” is that if he wants a cab, a railway trip, or tavern accommodation on a Sunday, nobody, if willing, shall be forbidden to supply his wants. Pwxch would be the last ~— in the world to wish to compel a Sabbatarian cabman, a stoker, an engine-driver, a waiter, a chambermaid, or any bodyvelse, to labour upon his account on their day of rest. Par be from him the idea of foremg conscientious publicans of Sabbatarian principles to keep their houses open on that day. Mr. Punch respects the sincere conviction of everybody—even that of a convict. It is notorious that Mr. Punch would no more scruple to eat a salmon-cutlet than a mutton- | chop on Friday. Yet if Mr. Lucas were to resign his papal trum- petership, and to set up-the Wiseman’s Hat Hotel, Tavern, and House of Call for Jesuits, Mr. Punch would, with all his might, defend Mx. Lucas from bemg bound to provide animal food in general on a day when he might think it his duty to let none of his guests have any but fish. Mr. Punch only asks that those who choose shall bgpeutnes to do him q service on Sundays. He holds that to be reason- able service which is necessary to his enjoyment of healthful recreation. Surely he has as great aright to hire a cabman, if he can get one, to take him to the station, as a Duke has to be driven out by variegated — or a Bishop to be conveyed to Uhurch by a mazarine Let Sunday be a day of rest—but rest is not inaction. Oricket is | rest to a journeyman

| ployi faculties. The eye that is fatigued with brick-wall “should reat on green fields. But the Set -the salutary and effectual rest—of the generality necessitates the labour of some. Suffer those to perform that labour who think proper. To say, Make those do so who think it improper, is quite Mr. Punch, FORTUNATE ESCAPE.

which might have assembled at | | ‘were fortunate enough to escape adding r in the play of the night; but, fortunately, before the ce, it occurred to } him. to be, from his names and his modesty—that his name had not been printed on the play-bills in characters sufficiently Geusiie. So | benefit'he had promised to act— “Sm,—I cannot suffer my name to be slighted in the Drury Lane play-bilis. “Yours, &c., “Banay Suunivay.” and—to ‘the deliverance of the publie—this bright and very par- ticular star does not shine. No more isheard of him, and the doors do not even open. We congratulate those who escaped. But what sort of actors are those who rely upon huge posting-bills to do for them what is achieved for real artists by public recognition? We do not remember ever seeing Mr. Ronson’s name in r letters than those the ordinary afiche; yet that performer did, night after night rowd a London theatre. But Ma. Suitivay, content “ to be slighted,’ the public, will not be slighted in the play-bill. Chacwn a son govt. e believe that unlucky box book-keepers have learned, by this time, ing, the larger the letters the smaller the “ let,’ that, y speaking vw we imagi the converse of. the proposition was not proved true. in SULEIVAN’s case.

a so

THE GENDARMES OF BUROPE. Tu brave French, with our steady British hos Embattled, march ; their heads are high and light, Yet break not out in any brag or boast ; eee prem ey Lo te ag And why ? aes pe Seeidastinew a tye apy me ~via By battle, to decide a doubtful right ; That they are going forth unto the fight Not with ‘—— only, but as if with staves, Robber ; to destroy his den, of slaves,

novel idea of j ; already had an exhibition of the kind, at which there was a very large tailor. To rest one set of muscles most effectually | A Prize Infant Show. | Amone other American “notions” that have lately prevailed, is the ing up shows of fat children. assachusetts has collection of adipose infancy. Prizes have also been given to the |parents who could show the fattest child, and a system of oil-cake Reding has been adopted to produce large oleaginous masses of fatty deposits in the shape of offspring. We cannot say that we approve of this new plan of cramming the young, for we cannot bear to see any- made too muel of. j }

UntversaL Firwess or Taixos.—There never was a young man yet who did not think himself specially qualified for a Se , Oe | young woman who had not the same strong belief in her qualifications to go out to-morrow as a Governess !

r performan this individual—l[rish, we presume | he writes to the person for whose | we must move others. Overworked fasultios ae best solaned by em- | thing ; and it is a thing not said by Y a report in a theatrical contem- | porary, we learn that an audience | Drury Lane, a few nights since, | anvictimised. A Mr. Barry Sut- | EtVAN had been announced for the |

ae a

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s a Oi ce ee aubiap H : : i PB ee Ul ¥ 4 ill tee He a. he ee > me ye Nii — HHH i\ IL “a a if ed GES: “NOW, CHARLEY! HERE’S THAT PRETTY ROUND HAT MM ne i, AGAIN—WE WILL HAVE A LOOK AT HER THIS TIME.” MUCH ADO ABOUT DIPLOMATIC NOTHING. Tue Krxe or Prussia has earned a name for himself, and so has the Empzror or Avstaia, = line of behaviour which they have pursued towards the Czar. ¢ names which they have respectively earned are Dogberry and Verges. As Peace Officers of Europe, they call upon Nicuoxas to submit to certain conditions. Nicwoias laughs at them ; and they determine to—let him alone. They charge themselves, as Dogberry did his watch, to “comprehend” a “vagrom” man; to wit, the Czar. Unfortunately, “a will not stand,” and accordingly as Dogberry advises in such case, they “take no note of him.” Inste of that, as further recommended by the same authority, they “ presently call the rest of the watch” (the Bund) “ together,” and in their hearts, doubtless, “thank Gop” they “are rid of aknave.” , ' The parallel seems perfect. The only difficulty is to settle which shall be Dogberry and which Verges. berry, to be sure, when called an ass, answers, “ Dost thou not suspect my years?” but then he re- presents his colleague as “an old man, Sir,” adding, “ and his wits are not so blunt, as, Gop help, I would desire they were :” whence it appears that Verges is the elder fool. Both, to be sure, are dotards ; but a young actor often plays old men: and on the stage of Europe Fraxcis Joseru, at present, personates feebleness and imbecility to the life. To him, therefore, we must assign the character of Dogberry ; and “ suspecting his years” less than those of Freperick Wiuam, allot to the Prussian mo of Verges. describes himself as “a fellow that hath had losses.” Francis Josera may soon be able to say the same. What does he think of Hungary and Italy ? A Lawyer off his Feed. Taoven the penny roll is still sold at a penny, it has become “ small by degrees” until it is “ beautifully less” than enough for a moderate mau’s breakfast. In consequence of this state of things an attorney of our acquaintance, who to treat himself to one of the above-men- tioned articles every morning, has deliberately struck himself off DONALD IN THE EAST. Our northern friends will be delighted to hear that the Highlanders have achieved a great triumph in Turkey. In an extract from a letter from the Black Sea, published by the Morning Post, it is related of those gallant Scots, that “ When they were reviewed before the Sultan he seemed quite confounded with their strange appearance, but when, to complete it, they suddenly struck up the bag- pipes, he quite lost all bis gravity, and burst out in the most violent fits of laughing in spite of himself, for it is contrary to all notions of Turkish etiquette to laugh, much more to do so ia public.” Glory to the Gaél! They have conquered the gravity of a Turk, and will doubtless achieve as wy | a victory over any number of Russians. The same letter states that the Turks “follow them about the streets, and seem both amazed and delighted with their strange dress.” It effectually, though less agreeably, than they have astonished the natives of Turkey, and that the former will run away from them faster than the latter follow them. ‘Lhis happy result will probably be much expedited by their favouring their enemies with some of that music with which they obliged the Sultan. In aid of a charge of bayonets, the best imaginable means to disconcert an enemy must be a concert of bag- pipes, An Honest Clergyman. Tae newspapers say that the Rev. Mr., late AncupEacon, WILBER- PoRCE, having arrived at certain conclusions at variance with the articles of the Church of England, has placed the resignation of his preferments in the hands of his Bishop. Such being the fact it is to be hoped that so eminent an act of honour and honesty will prove a example in that truly humble station—that station of the deepest theoretical humility—which this good man occupies, A Sten or tee Trwes.—Such is the mercantile yy and at the same time the intellectual poverty of the present day, a number of gentlemen in the city have put their h together to see whether they may be expected that they will astonish the forces of Russia even more | the roll. cannot get up amongst them a Joryt Stock Association or Ipgas.

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THE RETURN FROM THE BALTIC!! British Lion. “OH YES, I'LL COME BACK—BUT I MUST JUST LEAVE A CARD AT CRONSTADT FIRST!!!” — Szrremser 23, 1854] {Puxcu, No, 689,

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SMR OP pais SSN x7 : 2 nttemenynent . ge monies ia sae _— = — ee Te ee ee ey — oe = ~ re etna eetmerns -

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PUNCH’S PROVINCIAL LETTERS. To Mr. Punch, EvERED Sm,—I am the regular London Correspondent of that well-known and largely circulated provincial newspaper, the Squas h Gazette. 1 flatter myself that no set of country readers is more = constantly and faithfully supplied with an aecount of the saym; oings of the London world, political, literary, and fashion- able, than by your humble servant. But having more time on my hands than I quite know what to do with, I am desirous o! becoming one of your contributors. 1 do not, of course, expect you to purchase what I facetiously call an animal of the porcine species enveloped in a wrapper, and there- ‘ore I send you a specimen of my usual style. The enclosed letter, [ ought to say, was intended for the S but I happened to miss the post, and there- fore it me useless for that week’s publication. paper, I shall conclude that further com- munications will be acceptable, and in that hope, ' “1 am, Dear Sir, Yours very faithfully, “ Brassey Gose Movs.” “ 2nd Floor back, No. 11, Buggy’s Rents, “ Squalorty Court, Drury Lane.” From ovr Loxwpon CoRnREsPonDENT. “ Atheneum Club, Wednesday. “T have just looked in here to be out of the way, for the Duke’s house (that was) in Pall Mall is insufferable from the noise of the workmen at my other shop, the Carlton, and | was driven from the Reform Clab by seeing Pataerston pop in, evidently to catch me. | the Judicious, and came here, and if the Bishops will but let me alone, I shall be able to send you a few lines, though really, at this flat period of the year, with all one’s aristocratic friends on the moors, | it is difficult to hear anything. And I am, in fact, so 4/asé with the fatigues of the season that I am more than usually fastidious. I was rude enough just now to stop the Bishop of Oxford in a very good French story, which really has not been in town more than a week, and to ask his lordship whether he knew that Queen Anne was dead. But Saponaceous SamvueEL is very good-natured—to me at least—and took it well enough. | “There are no politics now, of course. But I happen to know that there has been a deal of uncomfortableness in the Cabinet, and | there will be a split before long. Lorp Jomn is now most eager for a peerage, but the Prince Consort (and perhaps a higher personage) thinks that a peerage ought not to be conceded to him betore the Prince or Watzs comes of age, and the proper allowance is obtained from | Parliament. Lorp Patmerstos, who is very much attached to Lorp Joun Kossext, offered to pledge himself to get this done in the most | liberal manner, if the latter were ennobled at once, and the affair was | deemed so nearly arranged, that Lorp Joun Russet and his lad | went to Hunt anp Roske1t’s to look at some new gold forks, whic | they ordered to be marked with an Earl’s coronet, and the cipher ® (Earl of Runnymede being the title selected by the admirer of Magna Charta), but the Court was imexorable, and I can assure you, upon the best authority, that the Leader of the House of Commons will be in his place next session under the same name he now bears. I| have too often been right in my ictions (as when I told you there was no truth in the report that Monument was coming down, and on other occasions) to make it necessary for me to say more. _ “The young Kine or Portucat went away deeply smitten with the charms of one of the royal Princesses. [I shal! not say which,as I have no desire to trench upon such delicate ground as a 8 affections, but it was not the Primeess to whom rumour would naturally point. A very distinguished lady, filling a high office at court, me, in confidenee, that the y King tried hard to enlist the sympathies of the Princess’s father im his favour, but that upon his growmg more than usually urgent, the Prince, with a good-natured, but firm expres- siou of countenance, led him into the picture igallery, and planted the re. Catholic before a fine picture, (by RarHazt) Manrry Lortuer, e hint was taken, and the subject dropped. But if Three per Cents. ean be converted, why not Portuguese ’ as I said, with some éclat, at the Travellers’ yeaterany. “Talking of pictures, I heard a capital story of Srx Epwrw L. the animal painter. He had been out in the Hi hlands, with the UKE oF WELLINGTON, GeyeRaL Espartero, and a distinguished PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Aborough Gazette, ab Should it appear in your! | party, one of whom was a wealthy individual of the Hebrew persuasion. | As agreen hill, the last-named individual slipped ‘and fell, luckily without hurting himself, and no one joined more loudly in the shout of laughter which arose when | When the Jew (dew) is on the “ Mr. Macav.ay has just papers under his arm, I naturally asked him what the sheets (just received from Messrs. p< that they were the p NGMAN) of the next volume of his History. He was good enough to let me glance over them ; and though of course I should not pretend to criticise his magnificent style, [ was able to point out a few mma- tical and historical mistakes, which he instantly corrected. The fifteenth chapter, in which he describes a fight that took place in one of the bed-rooms at Hampton Court, between Otrver Cromwei and were. f Purece Everne, then young men, and both attached to the celebrated Mo ty Laret, is-as fine a bit of sarcastic writing as there exists in the language. But ceréwmscp.; and I must not abuse the confidence of a brother Littératewr, Tn acco however, with the custom of some of my Jet me mention that Mn. M.’s lunch consisted of a é ® biscuit (with carraways) and half-a-pint of trait in the great historian’s i pee eer cure-dent respects the material of pens too duty than writing. I once, that the Record, the organ of Evangelical party, was about to be sold. The negotiation is at last complete; and some sporting gentlemen, represented Mr. Jim | Burn, as cont, Dae it. There will be no c e in the | editorship, and the th i ineiples of the paper will remain the same; but the editor has to advocate dogfights, and the —— to be — ya or yay dy [ omy be oy oo age | uotation, ‘ detight ite,’ which implies a | justifloation of . It m supposed the influence of the _ paper will enable i to obtain Exeter Hall, for sparring that the reign of my . Paince-Consont, daring his recent visit to Boulogne, was so ch with the effect of the abbreviated costume of the poissardes, that he made some sketches from his window at the Hotel Brightom, and sent them to Osborne by the Duxe or Newcastis, They were approved, and have been handed by the | Mistress of the bes to the Court milliner, who will of course have to invent an artistic method of embodyin nothing has yet transpired; but I think ded venture to say, from a hint I have received, that white silk Jas, with blue clocks, will be among the earliest novelties of the season. will now be obliged to do their own work, threaten an ¢meute. rthat he | no | ' Sr E. began to sing the celebrated air ed in to lunch. Seeing that he had some | It ap- |

the style in question, and | The street-sweepers, who | “The marriage between a young Marquis in your county, and a fair charmer whose ancestral seat is not a hundred miles from Birmingham, will take place, despite the foul and ignorant contradiction by that wretched rag, your contemporary the Sguashborough Herald. I(t it = worth my while to bandy terms of abuse with the miserable conke should fail m Billingsgate, because the fashionable (/) correspondent of the S. Herald has the advant phagie locale. But when I tell you that parchment is parchment, and that solicitors live in Lineoln’s Inn Fields, I ae “The Caancer.on or THE Excnequen is at Broadstairs, diligently oecupied in working at his new budget. What would those who believe in the conflicts in the House of Commons say, if they knew that Mr. Grapsrone and Ma. Disragti are in continual and jocular correspondence on the financial measures for or, and that they even met at the Lord Warden Hotel, Dover, and had a jolly evening, under pretext of discussing a tax on fish. Mr. Disnarci is writing a new novel, called Bolingbroke, some of whieh he read to Mu. Guapstowr on that oerasiou, and the latter helped him to some Latin mottoes for his with all the skill and ferocity of gladiators. Such is life! Besides the tax I have hinted at, I am told, by the Secretany-at-Wank, that we are to have an impost on shirts, on and on second editions of books. Playbills are to bear a penny stamp, and oysters, other than natives, will be taxed | pg a dozen. e newspaper stamp will be taken off, but an ad valorem duty will be be | on the articles contributed to journals. If writings are to be taxed in ag ge to their value, I doubt whether you will be able to afford to keep your present Correspondent, from whom no more at present.’

The World's Estimate. EstrMaTes a have one half knocked off when they come to | be revised, and it is mostly the same with moral as with commercial estimates. No one is taken at his own estimate; so if you wish to be considered clever, you must end to be twice as clever as you are, and then the verid will give you credit for one half of it. who — that newspaper (?) with news (?) from London, I | i » of living in a garret near that ichthyo- | I have said enough. |

a ey Yet these two men will, in February next, assail one another | "

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Maat Me nH NY | ro | ey JN AN ‘well j : | (3) ©,0,.2 O10,O§ Nha: seins Try FT) Wud -M/] 33844 +1) HOW TO GET A CONNECTION. Shopman (to Ancient Party). “Yrs Miss—Taank rou Miss—Is THERE ANY OTHER ARTICLE Miss?—CaN WE SEND 1T FOR You Miss?” [Old Lady thinks it svcn a nice shop, and sucu well-behaved young men. BELLA, HORRIDA BELLA! WE perceive that at the recent meeting of the Archeological Society | in Wiltshire, “the Reverenp Mr. Lukes read a paper on Bells.” | We have seen no report of this amusing production, bat we can fancy | the rich scope the subject must have afforded. We can imagine the | ( Reverend Gentleman commencing with a plunge into the diving bell, then seizing the street door bell, and suddenly running off to take the dustman’s bell for a few moments in hand. We can conceive his taking a passing hold of the night bell, and then darting off abruptly in the direction of the muffin bell with which he might hold a sort of sportive dalliance. His next step would probably be in the direction of the bell-fry, where he would wind up with sani pull at the bell-ropes, | and leave us with the subject still ringing in our ears. We understand | the whole company consented to act as clappers, for the paper was received with much applause. BIRDS—NOT OF A FEATHER. Tre following advertisements recently appeared on the same day, and in the order in which we have given them. We hate to use strong ex- pressions, but we are inclined,to tear that the second advertiser is a Brute. ( ‘REY PARROT LOST.—Flew away from a villa in St. John’s Wood, I on Tuesday afternoon, a lovely Grey Parrot. Is full of playfulness, and though its articulation is indistinct, it will seream and screech in the most enthusiastic manner for hours together. Any one who has found it is earnestly prayed to treat the dear thing kindly, and not to resent its biting, and, on bringing it t) its disconsolate mistress, | propriety be talked of as the Seeds. In allusion to their trowsers, t. Hosen should henceforth rank as the Pinks (of perfection) ; and the red-coated Light Infantry, who are accoutred so heavily that they can (FREY PARROT LOST.—Flew away from a villa in St. John’s Wood, | barely walk, might in playful irony be called the Scarlet Runners ; | on Tuesday afternoon, a Grey Parrot. May be known by its viciousness, its not | whilst the popular “ Guards ” should be described as the Dandy Lions. speaking a word, and its habit of screeching in the most abominable manner, without Qj the same principle (or want of it) the oblivious 45th shoul hence- forth, in this military “ Language of Flowers” be /ucus-a- Porrerrs, Acroceraunia Cottage, St. Jobn’s Wood. known as the Forget-Me-Nots. the reward of Three Guineas shall be thankfully paid. Address Mas. De Porrerts, Acroceraunia Cottage, St. John’s Wood. any reason whatever. Any one who has found it, and will bring it—«twffed—to the undermentioned address, shall receive Four Guineas, and thanks. Address Ma. De | 120 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | CORNISH WRESTLERS WITH FAMINE. May the effects of the late abundant harvest be felt to the Land’s End; may they at least be felt at Helstone Cornwall! At that place there exist institutions, the prin dietary of which is now under our nose: and we may say that it suggests but little of the fragrance of osmazome, or the savoury principle of animal food. It allows the in- mates of those institutions, men and women, just three ounces of cooked meat a-piece once a week, The estab- lishments in question might hence be supposed to be monasteries conducted upon almost purely vegetarian principles: and when we add, on the authority of the docu. . ment already mentioned, that the weekly cost of each | individual resident in them, for food, clothing, and neces- saries, per head, is one shilling and tenpence, it will be | | inferred that fasting, even in respect of split , is practised with rigour, and luxary in apparel mortil ed almost to the | length of nudity. However, these abodes of privation are British Protestant workhouses: and certainly there is less | reason for us to laugh at the friars for macerating them- | selves, than there is for them to laugh at_us for macerating | | the aged and infirm poor. | Put a Poor Law Commissioner for one week under the | | regimen and discipline of the Helstone Workhouses, and | how much would he lose in weight at the end of it? It is a pity this experiment is not tried, for the Commissioners lof the Poor Les have sanctioned the above arrangements, }and might as well learn, by experience, the effect of them |on the homan frame. This would, anyhow, be doing some- thing for their money, namely, for an ample yearly salary, which they receive for the not very laborious, nor perhaps | to them disagreeable, employment of paring down the comforts of those who are unable to earn any wages at all. | They would then be in a ition to commiserate the Helstone Paupers if not to help them. For perhaps these are Paupers of Paupers; the whole district poverty stricken : | and those inhabitants of it who can maintain themselves | subsisting chiefly on potatoes. In that case, let us hope that the harvest will at least give them all bread enongh, | if it will not afford those who are in the workhouses another | weekly toothful of meat. | Pozziinc Question ror THE Royat ToPpoGRAPHICAL | Socrety.— Whether it is easier for @ person, who is on the | High Road to Ruin, to pass a Note, or to meet a Bill? 4 | THE FLOWERS OF THE ARMY. ome ' Regiments, we believe, are called, par ezxcel- lence,“ the Flower of the Army:” | and wé certainly can see no reason a this floral | style of nomen- | clature should not be applied to our troops more particularly: thus | we cannot see why the younger branches of the service should not in future assume the title of the | Greens ; while all the more than} ordinarily dissi- | pated regiments | might with equal | ' } } |

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_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIV.

MARTIAL JUSTICE FOR THE MILLION. | WHAT ON EARTH HAS HE DONE ~ E understand that the fol-| Ts following paragraph from one of the daily papers has rather 4 lew ing important obser- startled us, It 1s headed Dr. PEITHMAN ! vations were addressed by! «px. pgs wi Masor Saort of the 146th | in the } om ap Sain ~- pty ae _— mete the Buffs to a select civil and eo pga Ti aerate son of the late Prime military Circle :-— feeling of some of the Middlesex wae an he has Seon iene; bene 4 =f “T tell you what, Sir, | 2g, condition of Ma leaving he country. ‘This, be dion Saturday week with Mn The result of that Perry’s es shes . ° ; trial is adeuced good thing, _ Several. of what the authorities might call very impertinent questions { don’t care whether the CTowd upon us after reading this paragraph -—First, What has Dr. sentence was right or Perruman done? Secondly, Why send to a lunatic asylam ? and wrong: it has been con- Lititdly, If it was proper to send him there, why take him out again ? firmed: and there’s an end Fourthly, If it was proper to release = ey Ag him by orderin of it. The good things, it bim out of the country? Fifthly, Why has Mx. Pexcevar expatriat has shown we may do what | himself with Da. Pertuman ? But we might go on — questions we think proper,” [by ‘0, ail eternity on this very questionable — h, which discloses no “we,” the gallant Mazon! other offence on the of the Doctor than his having attended divine is supposed to have meant service uninvited in the chapel of Buckingham Palace. the British’ Arup as repre. aie as sented by its ruling spirits | “and set public opimion at defiance. It hasy{shown, FRIENDLY ADVICE. Sir, that we need not care +1 alae _-e0 . a

To the Eaperor or att tue Russras, greeting, Punch would say That for cruel and — Czars full long has set the day : , exe The world with years has wiser grown, and now will tolerate The question was, whether No government but that which in its laws is moderate. the officers of a Court Martial and a Commander-in-Chief would allow ie , : | themselves to be dictated to by a set of newspaper men ; aparcel of ppt aged is suicidal history will shew : Tas dashed fellows, a set of rascals and vagabonds, by Jove, Sir, who get aoa dark pn — pate ee their living aptiale wits. Perhaps Penny was an ill-used lad’ Tdare) it's, 4 ‘L a red ana = eae poects is strong say he was. By Jove, Sir, so much the better. The dashed public will at the monarchy called absolute is absolu‘ely wrong. now know that we are not to be controlled by clamour, even if there is| Tig true that m i : the a . , any an instance the old times afford ground for it. This is the case, Sir :—The members of the Court Martial Of nations trampled underfoot, and es o’er Right the lord ; ahd one another, _ m4 a — 3-— But wh ve begun it, - Yet many a proof of nation’s wrath might even then have shown | by Jove we must go through wit it. tween ourselves, we ve made a T : , : : : | mistake ; but we musn’t be intimidated into owning we ’re in the wrong. hat power benght with elieay Used pus the with ite own. | That will never do.’ So they deliver their sentence, and when it comes, Small pains to tell how Nero fell, of cruel tyrants worst,

| before Lorp Harprner, he says the same thing. ‘By Jove,’ he says,, Or how they slew Catievta, by every Roman cursed ; | ‘these fellows have been in an awkward position. But there wasonly; Or how the vile Domrrtay, wee sare the name of lord, | one course for them to take, and they took it, and I must support them| Yet found his mock divinity no ld against the sword, | in that course, by Jove.’ So his Lordship goes to the Queen and} . advises Hern Masesty to confirm the sentence. If Hen Masesty| Norwere it hard to bring the proof a little nearer home, | objects, the Commanper-ix-Curer says—with all the proper and| Fortyrants fall in Russia, e’en as tyrants fell in Rome ; | necessary t—‘Ma’am, by Jove, you must.’ So the sentence is| Bear witness, Pavt, beneath whose thrall a nation suffered long, confirmed, the fellow is sent about his business. By Jove, I think| Yet proved at length a nation’s strength could expiate its wrong. it’s a pity he was allowed to sell his commission. The example, to the | | Press I mean, and the Public would have been better if he had been | cashiered outright. Now, Sir, another thing. The success that Be sure the worm, long undertrodden, yet will turn at last ; authority has been asserted with in this affair shows'that we might have | wh one may rule o’er many, and believe their spirit gone, a deuced dealfbetter Government than we have at present. Any fellow Yet, in the end, the many prove too many for the one. that is troublesome, don’t stand on ceremony with him—don’t be| particular about forms of trial—get a jury that will find him guilty) | without boggling; and then tie him up and well lick him : or hang him) ‘ | on the next tree. There would bea great outery, perhaps, and hulla-| THE CHARACTER OF DANDO, THE GREAT OYSTER balloo, but what would that signify? Or if it did, you might soon stop | EATER :—Aw Exeoant Exrnacr. it by shooting kell-o-deom of those decked Sila, omens them ee a ; neue meetin anaeets | up over their own office doors. Show public opinion that you’ve got! |“ tow . wv the et nes ew = | force on your side, and are determined to use it, and by Jove, Sir, pablic bonne —_— | een ~ +e Soniniiied L_-— en —s opinion will knock under. Look around you, Sir, and see what has in theshape ofsetasp-knife. He devoured oysters as easily as other men breathed. | been done in foreign countries. The same thine might be done here; His famervfilled Bagiand as his exploits filled the newspapers. Not « police offies and a deuced good thing too. You ’ve crammedthis Court Martial down pan a a er. ee oe Se | their throats, Sir: so much for a beginning. As to the treatment of was the fashion to despise, to sneer at this bivalvian conqueror, because it was his proud | j Perry, just or unjust, there’s an end of the matter.” custom not to |g A the natives that every oy Row sacrificed to his insatiable hunger and amon. 4 his mighty Hawwrwat—tor he was as mighty as Hawwrnar, entting These remarks, listened to attentively throughout, were greeted at’the — dope liye ere — a pony eae conclusion with approving laughter, and cries of “ Bravo Major!” | becanse he-wwald® not for the paltry bread and butter he had consumed! How | | though a doubt was whispered among some of the civilians, whether | many persons) I Nike to know, are in the habit of paying for their pate and the gallant offi d be till af he meotl of | loaves—their 4s and pounds of Dorset? Is it not well known that, in this ant officer was not, and wo not be till alter the meeting ; arliam . s . miserable ‘ 1 of shopkeepers,’ there are hundreds of noblemen who owe hundreds P. ent, a little too hasty in saying that the matter had ot pounds to their bakers, and hundreds more to their buttermongers? How nany - | men are there in this hanghty Engiand that are not in ‘he debt of their fishmonger, if = | not for oysters, at all events for salmon, for red mullet, turbot, prawns, or whitebait, s ‘ . . Oysters were a want, a craving, a fated necessity of Dawpo's nature. It in wrong to Lines. by ‘Frederick William. | say he did an injury to the shops where he loved most to eat them. Cranted—that he Then Nicuoras, be warned in time, learn prudence from the past,

Sera” . did not pay for many dozens he could comfortably stow awny at one sitting—still Tue War is good for Prussian trade, | was the of his having been to that shop to be considered nothing? Was his hen wherefore should I interfere, | patronage nothing ? = not = name of “pr —— — ————— rand : an little bill t might be brought up met him? In any other country _ Russian —— thank blockade, bee aed where shopkeepers make the laws, and Where charseters are nailed to the Jan Only find an outlet here ? _ | counter as relentlessly as bad shillings, Daspo would have been made « great man. will be ereeted to his memory higher than E ’ | — grotto, and the 2 his en pe eon ¥ FTER 5 TPUL +} will be collected carefully together purpose « sing 7 — ea er ~ty > ~ ae as _ = | justin is rendered to the injured character of the Great Daxpo, will this or eulogy . ” y y; of mine shine, like the votive offering of a tallow-candie, brightly inside it!" —from especially the former. | @ private copy of “ Paruons's Friends and Acquaintances.” po aay Cer ai a3 Fg BI, < <a ae —~ * eae Sere eens Cen a ener ee Se a

a pepggee ke +) sp =

Pe

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bless E BiSgry cam YO ARE SNE te ee * Sas ge ST. wh a ee at ite “PERS

oer RE ty = = j Np NY J a\ = f wo tnpectanite WHAT I8 ENOUGH FOR ONE —_ eigen i Dias “J RUSSIAN TROPHIES OF VICTORY. $y a paragraph with this heading, which has recently been going the contemporary circuit, or, in vulgar phrase, “ going the round of the papers,” we observe that

“An immense namber of snuffboxes, warranted to be made of the wood of the English man of war, Tiger, taken by the Russians, are exposed for sale in the shops of Odessa.’ As the Tiger is the only prize the Russians have as yet succeeded in capturing, it is but | natural perhaps that they should try to make the most of it; and by cutting it up into snuff- | boxes they will certainly succeed in bringing it under the nose of a great number of people. Much as we were once disposed to quarrel with it, we must certainly begin to put some faith in Mr. Coppen’s opinion, that the Russians are an eminently trading community, when we find | them turning their prizes to account in this way. | Regarded simply in a commercial light, this cap- | ture of the Tiger must have proved quite a| godsend to the shopkeepers of Odessa; indeed | we should not be surprised if that invalid an- | thority the Jnvalide Russe is found in a day or | two warmly congtatulating the Russian nation generally on the Ynmensely lucrative and im-| portant branch of trade which has thus been opened up. With people who have any knowledge of me- | chanics, there cannot be much difficulty in turning a helpless stranded vessel into snuff- boxes. But we rather fancy that ere long, the Russians will have found our ships in general, afloat, are anything but things to be sneezed at. | | |

How to be an Early Bird. Jump out of bed the moment you hear the | knock at the door. The man who hesitates when called is lost. The mind should be made up in a minute, for early rising is one of those subjects that admit of no ¢wraing over.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

THE SEA-SIDE HAT.

THE MANSION HOUSE IN BAD ODOUR. A rew days ago, the Lornp Mayor created a fearful sensation by walking on to the Bench in the Mansion House, and say hy such a horrible smell proceeded from the justice- =-|room as to render it im ble for Mayorgss to enj in the ‘| above, without t dinagresal Pe tration of justice down stairs, nobody the atmosphere of the room above; and the : | Lory Mayor has therefore i | his tribunal into a closed Mr. NicHoLs recommends drains We can necessary administered with closed doors. view than to enable would suggest that her ladyship’ ™\;) | must be pretty well ov aeorwe. | season—as we hear of no balls Pn | House; and we cannot suppose wae ——| Of the City is so infat We that she remains in casional pas seul, while all is out of town.

/ eT ade Va MaeenOMn 2

Tue much-injured 46th are about to start for the East to seek “ the bubble reputation in the can- IS ENOUGH FOR TWO. 'non’s mouth,” and we only hope they will find it.

—E HIDE AND SEEK MARKET.’ Tue three yachts, that st as an escort to the Victoria and Albert ax- ived at Boulogne only three days after it. As His Royal Highness has alread: ed Osborne pe days, it is expected that the three yachts, _- which were to have es- corted him home, will very shortly arrive at their des- tination. The Allied Army has left Varna to go and look for Sebastopol. Theyhave taken several of Dot- Lonp’s strongest tele- scopes with them. Sia Cuaries NapPrer, who went out to the Baltic to give the Rus- sians a hiding, is rapidly seeking, it is said, his way home. The Crown and Jewels of Hungary still remain where they were. Rs. BRIEFLEss and Dunvp have not for one minute to hide, neither have Messrs. Levy and Stomaw relaxed for one moment in their efforts to seek them. Amongst the papers that Mr. Duxvr left behind him was one pasted up outside his office door, and which contained an intimation to the following effect :—

TH

+ aeeamas ie j 7 ’ ¥ L ee 4 11 dA Sor gh WV rs 1 Ak

4 |e ; J E < ~ / ; { Gone on the Cuncutt of my acquaintance. | Shan’t be back till they age tired of me. Several noblemen and gentlemen, who left town without settling their bills are sup- | posed to be hiding abroad, or in the country. Their unfortunate tradesmen, perfectly used to such treatment, are not putting themselves much out of the way in seeking for them.

Printed by William Bradbury, of N o. 13, Upper Woburn Place, City of London. —Sarvapar, 8¢)¢ mber 23, 184.

in the County of Middlesex, P rinters, at their Odice in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars in the City of Londo: St. . and Pred Mallett B of No. 27, Vietoria Street, in the Parish of St. Margaret and St. John, Westminster, both ey yt ep van ay vet why and Pub ished by them at No, 8, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Brice, im the

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 123 & the bearer look as though he literally had been A DIG WITH A LADY’S PARASOL. walking into cherry tart. Such pantaloons we think are only fit for a pantomime, and must elsewhere be regarded sense UNCH, naugh ) as breaches ‘ fellow orvon ae For soldiers who have sometimes to lie in at our bonnets, and | ambuseade, any clothing is absurd which tends the funny way in| make conspicuous; and we cannot help which we ladies wear —~ that our military authorities would be them. I only wish|puzzied to adduce a colourable pretext for ou gentlemen would putting their men in such a coloured dress as look at your own | on! renders them the better mark for the ridieule dress a li before | of their friends, and the rifles of their enemies. you think of ing — wT pepe hats A PRE-SCIENTIFIC PEER. : . —nasty black things,! Poon Lozp Derny i a — : ? 4 appeared at the Associa- as E that Gave Be, mors | tom for the Advancement of Science at Liver- aan at Tm 200!, and there—before the wise ones of the - - 4 e I sho ald b ™ earth—lamented his ignorance with a fund - ry sche a of of humour. He had been born in dark times, 4 J hivon - A. before the lights of science had dawned. He = VY}, 2 x h ate ih ~ presented himself as a specimen of nobleman 7 id wis "ignorance, and was received as a remarkable = —= bea li ttle addition to the large stock already on hand. eae or? © Proresson Owen pointed out to the com- thy —¥ > an of ol pany the peculiar ics ppeentes in ~~} , J go ‘dicule” the noble Earl; and called upon his audience Bb e . way po rn fe |to mark and reflect upon the development of | - As tT aid scar!s, ‘the moral qualities that, when put forth under a also— ne go | coronet, may exert an extraordinary fascination go bare-nec h upon mankind im general ; when, in fact, without throat | the coronet, the influence of the animal migh sy his Why so vo | even io Ge most sagacious of men, have an | seen young gentlemen wear neck handkerchiefs no thicker than the ribbon we should think — —~ i, oe a ae oe . of putting round the neck of a little kitten. They are not half so broad as wateh-ribbons. | t, the h, or pocket, of the specimen before I declare in size they are no broader than the white satin favours we tie up wedding him: 6 ing that, if time permitted, he could with. You will be wearing your shoestrings for a necktie next. I will te you what they 4 : on w se i i at me in mind of—whenever I see one of these pretty dears, | imagine he is the favourite | eh Fo nape ene rae iS ansile | lap-dog belonging to some lady, and has slipt his string. The next morning I expe rous secretions, that, with such ormanisations read in the papers an advertisement, describing his hair, ears, and eyes, and offering 4| myst continue to have a most noble influence | reward of ten shillings if any one will return him to his disconsolate mistress. Mind, these | upon all surrounding bodies. The Professor was | are not shop-boys—they are not lawyers’ clerks, or medical students, but elegant young men | continuing these profound speculations, when | who part their hair down the middle, indulge in the most extraordinary shirt-co 4 : . > sport | t : . 4 : black stripes down their legs, and altogether lege to some.degree of taste. Then the aly wes os eye a | shirt-collars !|—No military stock ever strangled a poor unfortunate soldier half so cruelly| We have only room for the last stanza: whi ' as one of these ‘all-round collars’ cut and torture the unfortunate physi my that is | Rag Boni eden ‘ om |. locked up init. What! if I were to direct public attention to those capil stripes do po: on ail ic py Gene, Go mentee of tis ~ | | E | | | | | ! | ' | | Ne EE your trowsers? What do they mean? Are they useful? Are they even ornamental ! 4 ee pe ee: | it not an affectation of the military style, which argues that those who adopt it are anything) “ Here stands with head of coroneted earth, | but military men? Must you be marked all over like a giraffe ?—need you be scored about | paar mong rnd gg 2 pm he wary oe gua with broad gashes like a leg of pork? You only see those black lines on the body of a| “ fod Whig and Tory wees pray ey their own.” mule, and we all know that the mule is the nearest approach to the donkey. I will not say . . | anything more—but will simply conclude by asking you, cher Punchey, if you think it is fair a oo ae ae op ingrained Gy | to attack us for anything ridiculous—the ridicule with us sinning only on the side of beaut the Lisumed ccunalt = Es, dt > pement (hat | —whilst you, gentlemen, if you do sin in matters of dress, are sure to'sin on the ugly side. “ after ‘ll. the seal. esadencendion. beast} 5 wonder you are not ashamed of yourselves. And you, Mr. P., as an admirer of our sex, as a saiee Of 6 te tehiemen one ae oi the ‘~ lover of everything that is beautiful, L’m sure you ought to know better. Nevertheless, | bothering knowledge of a bundle of professors ” q my Dear Polichinelle, I remain, “y os | A very melancholy opinion for the philosopher to 3 | ours, not angry, only indignant, reflect on! But then, how very brilliant igno- “Emwa Jane Mania Sopnia,” &c. /|rance must be when it is embedded in fifty thousand a-year ! COMMON SENSE IN REGIMENTALS. Li INCREASE OF ALDERMEN. Taaxxs to the war, common sense has lately had unusual influence with our military | ma . authorities, and “ease before elegance” is to ft me the order of the day. In their ost Seeing Ga La» A. ils ,-\y ~ race for glory, our soldiers will no longer be so heavily weighted, and their arms in future Mesaten Peel enaa: ‘ » will be rather more reasonably proportioned to their legs. Troops on active service will “ " me have a better chance allowed them of displaying their activity, and the feat of “ standing |,” Pendent from the a at ease” in their regimentals will cease to be viewed as an impossible attainment. Time oy yn work, the orme of the worthy | and the hyn : ily xrioded the old ~~ theory, to —_ a useful soldier alderman, with the motto— Dat Deus incrementum.’” ou must begin strangli im; nor will our men, in order to look smart on parade, be any more prevented by tight ie from being “smart” on service. PR Sy gdy d . Wise i | But while reforming our soldiers’ clothing, the authorities, it appears, have not exactly acted «9 slight siteration im this motto, which would | upon Hamle?’s principle, and “ reformed it altogether.” A recent paragraph informs us that— cularise it, and at the same tine ventas 0 mene “ Sealed patterns of new uniforms have been received at the Horse Guards, and are now under consideration. In appropriate ; namely, by the change of a single all of them, we understand, there is v considerable alteration as to cut; but as tar as we can learn there will be word: thus: “ Dat testudo incrementum,”—“ The a, Sa ane Se ee turtle gives the increase?” We are not acquainted We su it is from mere force of habit that the British army so persists in sticking with dimensions of Mx. Mucornivee ; but to its colours, else we should faney there are not many in the service but would be surely his motto would derive, from the substi- glad to have the brickdust shaken from their coats. In trowsers, too, we are not our- tution epee, a peculiar fitness for the livery | = selves particular to a shade, but we cannot think that exactly a becoming one, which makes of an A VOL. XXVIII. 9)

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ALY os Pog 124 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SCHOOLING FOR SOVEREIGN BRUTES. E wish His k- SAN NF oe : addressed to respects he Prius does. DOGYy :— “When the it is of course displeasure, in you must treat them gently, and not kiek them with your beot on,—for, if you kick them with your boot on, it may! 4 of the ladies are in such @ state as to call for the congratulations of their friends, and thus you inter- fere with the kind intentions of your Heavenly Father, who loves to foster human life and if sill auy of the ladies should commit any trifling fault, so as to give offence t woald be as well to excuse them from being beaten with the bamboo. You may, however, scold them severely, and tell them not to offend apy more.” Another potentate who might be edified by the perusal of this exhortation Whether Nicuo.as is in the habit of kicking ladies with his boot on, is the Czar. THE Pore would read the discourse, lately pub- lished in the the Eastrexy following gentle nition might serve as a model to the holy father, the next time casion to rey; but sometimes they may be markable. 3 -— . r ; : sur righteous and, in a confidential letter, written im zebra’s milk, has apt to excile y* that some or whether he mercifully condescends to take it off first, at least if the offending lady is m an interesting situation, we are not able to say. i i women are flogged under his paternal Government; and perhaps, when any more Nuns like those of Minsk persist in saying their prayers their own way, the Autocrat, imi- Howtvess Ti nes, of PRINCE, his elder happy to state, has promised to adopt his brother’s sug- severely, and telling them not to offend any more. EASTERN nds to in- in some DIPLOMATIC MOVEMENTS. Tae Peoscess Lieven has returned to her old quarters in Brassels, having sojourned awhile in certain of the Rhenish provinces, where, it is understood, has proved admo- of the greatest assistance and consolation to the Kixc or Prussia. “The women are the best j , after all,” says Sm Fretrvt; and there can be no doubt that women he has oc-| make the best war ministers. No coats like petticoats. srove any- The Kixe or Paussta is a philosopher, and therefore open, as a housebreaker, to conviction. Thus counselled by the Prixcess Lieven, Prussia’s Monarch has presented to the ladies wait world that imflexible countenance for doing nothing that upon you, my elder brother, | for nothing will, to all posterity, make him especially re- their duty ; His Majesty has been right royally grateful; which case presented Princess Lieven with the Colonelcy of the Prussian Blues. For obvious reasons, the Paiycess will not appear at the head of her regiment until the conclusion of the presemt unhappy war. In the meantime she will live near Brussels. A charming country house has been taken for her, with an extensive garden attached. It is said that the Princess intends to give her best energies to the culti- vation of Brussels sprouts, with a view to acclimating that very green and marrowy vegetable in Russia. my lord, it PUNCH’S PROVINCIAL LETTERS. To Mr. Punch. “Sir, “You did me proud last week. The Sguashborough Gazette by this time knows what it lost by not receiving the letter you were so obliging as to print. I beg upon the present occasion to send you another instalment of literary, political, and fashionable information. | have, of course, forwarded it also to Squashborough (thanks toa manifold writer), but as you and the Gazeffe appear on the same day, no harm is done. Receive, Sir, another despatch from a “ London Correspondent,” and receive, also, the assurance of his profound esteem. * Yours faithfully, “ Brassey Gose Movusu.” “2nd Floor back, No. 11, Buggy’s Rents, “ Squalorty Court, Drury Lane.” From our Lonpon CokrEsponpDeNT. * Atheneum Club, Wednesday. *“ Political news this week. ABERDEEN is going out, and a good thing too, | suppose you will say. Did you read the leading article in the leading journal, about the Baltic expedition? That showed in what direction the household mouser intended to become saltatory, eh? Who do you think wrote that article? You will not easily guess, nor do | make any pretence to especial discernment, but it so hap- pened that calling to tell the Kditor something it was as well he should know, my eye fell upon the MS. of the article, and I recognised the hand-writing. It is Sir Caartes Napter’s, and it was sent home from the Baltic in a red envelope, by the Colomso transport, now at Woolwich. As soon as it appeared, Lorp AseRpeen drove off in a rage to Printing-House Square, and demanded that every word of it should be retracted. This was refused. He then required the author’s name, and by way of mystification was told that the remarks were from the pen of Mr. Cuartes Kean. His lordship then declared that Mr. Kean should never again perform at Windsor, and that he himself would resign the Premiership. If the public is half as pleased with the latter resolution as the junior branches of the Royal family are with the former, we shall have an iliumintaion. _ “You have heard something of the story about the Bisnor or Oxrorp (Wrieerrorce) leaving a religious meeting to go to a ball at Sutherland House, and Her Mavesty telling one of her maids of honour to go and dance with him. The papers have got the anecdote rather incorrectly. ‘The Brsor did go, but he was rather entrapped | presence. | bouquet to its charmmg owner, who protested that si j}mimd about giving it up. | MarGueriTe VYMBLYMTON tripped up, and begged to engage the into the ball-room. He was standing by the baleony, looking down into the grand hall, where Vianpor Garcia was singing ‘Una voee,’ | and having previously been into thejcard-room to speak to the Arcu- | pisHor oF YorK (who was being scolded by Lorgp SHarrespury for twice revoking), the Bisuor did not know that the Queen had arrived. Lavy Exnestine Macraavess was near him, and beth were enchanted with Vrarpor. ‘Oh, my dear Bisuop,’ said the lovely Lapy E. M., ‘I positively must give the dear thing my bouquet. Would you feteh it? —it is on the couch opposite the Murillo.” What could Samuzi do? He went smilingly to the ball-room, and making his way to the place, confronted the astonished look of his Royal Mistress. ‘ Well, Doctor Wiperrorce,’ said the Head of the Church; but im the mild words was conveyed the essence of a whole judgment of Convocation. The humbled ‘Going to decorate an altar?’ said Lonp Joun Kussext, as the Puseyite prelate passed him. He made no aes, tt qosnatans the While they Were speaking, pretty Lapy Brsnop for the next deur-temps. The WiLBERFoRCE wit came to the aid of the once-caught, twice-shy prelate: ‘Pas deur temps!’ (Not twice !) he said, bowing, and evaporating. “ Her Masesty sent over an autograph letter by Prince ALBERT to Lovts Naponeon, with which the latter was much pleased. I did not see it, but I have reason to think that I am pretty well aware of the contents. They were not political, nor were they complimentary, but they were simply to say that Her Masesty had no hesitation in entrusting the Prince to the care of a steady man like the Exrgrnon, but she hoped they would not smoke too many cigars, or feel it necessa to baptise the extemte cordiale in too much claret. It was observe that in accordance with this hint the royal personages retired early each evening, but an officer in the Cent Guards writes me word that the Emperor had a meerschaum at his bed-room window. “You do not care much about theatrical intelligence, and indeed I seldom go into the front of a theatre, though I occasionally lounge into the green-rooms to have a gossip with the actresses, and to give them a hint as to costume and other matters. I hear, however, that they are going to revive Hamilet at the Adelphi, with a cast which { should think would be attractive. Hamlet will be played by Miss Woouear; Ophelia, by Mr. Kee.ey; Ghost, Ma. Pav Beprorp; (with ‘I believe you, my boy,’ when his son names his uncle as the murderer); Osric by Ma. tating the clemency of the CetestiaL Kine, (who, we are | It is notorious, however, that | gestion) will at least excuse them from being beaten | brother the CerestiaL| with the Knout, and content himself with scolding them Kya, leader of the Chi- nese insurgents. Like the Porg, the Parixce prete spiration, and gives rather more evidence of it than Really, the Lord of Oxford took up the flowers, and backed out of the | changed her | | Ryper (from the Princess’s) ; and Gertrude by Mz. O. Smrra. A great | tank, which the late Mx. Yates made below the Adelphi stage (for an aquatie spectacle) is being restored, and will be filled with real water, in which the drowning of Ophelia will be seen, and Mz. Keeney is —

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PUNCH, OR THE-LONDON CHARIVARL ~~ on ~-

practising swimming every day in order to avoid an accident. The catastrophe of the play will be altered, from a recently discovered folio | edition, and Hamlet, after killing Laertes, will fight a terrific combat | with the invading Fortindras, expiring at the moment of victory. Some passages a-propos to the Turkish resistance of Russia have been intro- duced, and { have no doubt the affair will be a hit. “There will be some new peerages created before the meeting of Parliament. Lorp Jou is still unable to get his. But Mr. Dw RAELI goes up to the Lords as Viscount Patestive, at Mr. Giap- STONE’S especial instanee, Lorpv Dupiey Srvart, who is understood to be indignant that he wasnot made President of the Board of Health, instead of his more able colleague, is to be consoled by the title of Baron Pratitvupe ; and | think, but am not sure, that Mz. Rozsuck becomes Lorp Buckram. Cononen Sistnorr applied for a peerage, but his request is under consideration, several members of the House of Lords having earnestly protested against his being sent up there. The next vacant Garter has been promised to a friend of my own, whose name it would be premature to mention. | “That Acrobat affairat Doncaster has made a’noise. Why the horse should on Wednesday lose disgracefully, and on Friday win triumphantly, may be a sort of mystery to some folks, but [ can assuré you—and I am pretty well acquainted with stable secrets—that all was fair, that Lorp Dersy’s conduct was strictly honourable, and that Scorr was as inno- cent as a baby. The fact was that Acrobat would have been beaten on Friday, but for his extreme terrog, One of the horses behind him—I think Orlando—got into Acrobat’s stall some nights before, and viciously bit a piece out of the root of his tail. Seeing the same horse on the ground on Friday, and dreading a repetition ef the ontrage, Acrobat set off like the wind and beat everything. Lozp Denex knew this quite well, and made a good joke about * tailing eff,” whieh I should spoil by endeavouring to repeat. “Stomam® has been acquitted of the of perjuring himself, in order to arrest Mapame Caraport. When | heard of the cage Ff said | that though the defendant might be a slow man (Stomay), he had | made the uses fast. This is the only jeu de mot \ have heard — inet ee Editor . ~~ Advertiser has returned rom hi ere. to have some specimens of wit} and wisdom: to, send you.”

A SCOLDING FROM PAPA PIUS. _“ You well know,” says the Porz, addressing his subordinate hierarchs, “ How the Christian nations are afflicted and scourged with the most cruel wars, or with intestine disturbances, or pestilential disease, or mighty earthquakes, or other great evils.”

The venerable gentlemen appealed to by his Hormvess know mnch more than we do—and might yet know little enough, says your Emi- nence, perhaps—and is welcome to the joke. What is the matter with Belgium ?—with Portugal? In what way are Austria and Prussia | suffering, except from the expense of a standing army, and some ridi- ' cule? The Dutch too, the Switzers, what have they to vex them at this particular time? The Yankees—a Christian nation, surely, as

s | much as ourselves or the Russians, or the French, are they not going a-head—and that in spite of Know Nothing demonstrations against ‘ the holy Roman Chareh and the holy Irish? And where are the , “ mighty earthquakes” happening, except perhaps in those regions of e South America where those convulsions of Nature are usual? The t | Port should have named the “ earthquakes.” But now comes a statement in the Porr’s “ Eneyelical Letter,” o | wherefrom we are quoting, which is really unkind. t | “ And this is even especially to be lamented, that among so many evils and misfor- ‘ tunes, which can never be sufficiently deplored, the children of darkness, who are wiser L in their generation than the children of light, struggle more and more every day with all kinds of diabolical frauds, artificees, and efforts, to wage a most bitter war against the Catholie Chureh and its salutary doctrine, to pull down and destroy the authority of all legitimate power, to corrupt and deprave the minds and intellect of all, to propa- gate on all sides the deadly poison of indi /f>rentism and incredulity, to confnse all rights, Divine and human, to stir up dissensions, diseords, and the ti of imps re- beilion, to eneourage all kinds of depravity, and the most cruel crimes, and to leave nothing untried, so that, if it were possible, our most holy religion might be obliterated from the midst of us, and human society overturned from its foundation.” | Now this, we repeat, is unkind. Not unkind tous. No. We have laughed at winking statues and we have repudiated CanpivaL Wisr- | MAN ; let the Porg, therefore, call us impious, and apply to us all the opprobrious epithets that he thinks in his conscience and charity that we deserve. Not to us, not to Quzen Victoria, do we charge his | Houvess with ; not tothe British Public and its Sovenzien | but to the French and their Emrrzror. Are not Louis Narougon and his subjects in the same serape as we are; chastised with the same Russian scourge ? And has this.evil come upon them because they are waging “a bitter war against the Catholie church and its salutary, doctrine,” and se the ruler encourages, and the people embrace, , the principles of Socialism and Communism ? Who sent the Socialists.

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\ to Cayenne? Whose are the bayonets that now uphold the so-called chair of St. Peter ?—they should prick its oecupant’s sense of gratitude through the cushion—at least that sentiment is clearly not in its right place. These are the thanks that Louis Narotgon gets for having restored the Powtirr to his See. Perhaps the Pore would like to get back to Boma; the only monarch in Europe, probably, of whom his HoLrvess now approves, and him, we rather think he*ha. to anathema- tise, or something very like it, on account of some obsolete grudge, annually, pro formd. But this denunciation is a mere ceremony, and ee OMBA is not included among the “children of darkness.” he papal invective, however, makes no exceptions. Clergymen of the Porr’s persuasion gemerally sprinkle their holy water judiciousiy, by means of a delicate spemes of besom, but Prus appears to scatter his | aspersions with a mog, wiuch he trundles in such a violent indiscriminate | manner as to fling his aliags into the face of everybody. 4 GLUT OF GREAT TRAGEDIANS. ___. TuovcmtheShakspearean

market is at a low ebb in town, it appears to be well su net YY" over stocked, in the — Though on has searee- | ly, am actor that | may be called a tragic performer, | the country seems to be overflowing with “eminent tra- gedians.” Lt is true that we should re- main in blissful ignoranee of the ex- istence of most of these “ great crea- tures,” if it were not for their own advertisements in the Times, whose columns teem daily with the self-assertions of histrionic genius. It is rather tantalising to the London lover of the high drama to find that | the representatives of the high heroic school of acting can get no nearer | to the metropolis than some little Pedlington or other, where they are, however, “open to further engagements,” We liad only just re- | covered from the perusal of the recent advertisements of the “ eminent Ditton ” and the “renowned Prrr,” when an entirely new star shines forth with the startling announcement that “Mn. Burner Wexrworrn is about to return to the stage. Me will perform at the Theatre Royal, Whitehaven, in the characters of, dc. d&c., to the 20th of October, after which he wili be open to further engagements,” Now we have nothing to say against the merits of any or all of these gentlemen, who may be wandering Gannicks as far as we know, but as | we never saw any one of them, while of some we actually never heard, we are somewhat surprised at their coming suddenly down upon us as “eminent tragedians.” If those tlemen who favour us from time to time with advertisements of their “eminence” and their “ great- ness,” will only persuade the London managers to exhibit those much- wanted qualities on the London stage, we shall be among the first to hail their advent as a new era in theatrical history. $$ ROMANCE. AND REALITY OF THE VIVANDIERE. Tue Cockney tourists at Bou! have been much disappointed at the sight of the real vivandiére, is more like an old gentleman in | blue petticoats and red trousers than those smart young Jadies who figure on the title-pages of quadrilles and polkas in the musie-sbops. | The principal vivandiere at the French camp looks as if she had seem, not only some twenty summers, but at least forty autumns, and, to indge by her frosty hair, an equal number of winters. Instead of re- | sembling La Figlia, the old lady in question is more like La Madre del | Reggimento. Jexwy Lrxv has created such a eile idéale of the Vioan- dicre, that our sentimentality receives aa frightful smash when the real ay makes her appearance, with a face full of wrinkles, ighlow® | full of nails, and a mouth fall of French slang of the least recherolt |

A Coxscrzwtious Tertoraisen.—The teetotal martyr, who will rather risk a writ than pay his wine-bill.

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™ YOR? ieee cee ee lala Or Rages ema EE EE a roma aac aw ——— emt ; ie oe Relea eNO e l ht ; veel. 126 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL THE PLUNGER IN TURKEY. “T say, Oup Fettan!—Do you THINK IT PWOBABLE THE INPANTWY WILL ACCOMPANY US TO SzBastoro.?” VERY DRY LEAVES FROM OLD EGYPT. Ar this season of the year, such of Mr, Punch’s contemporaries as cannot find food for discourse above ground, are wont to do a little business as excavators, and rummage out enough of buried antiquities to stock Strawberry Hill anew. At this season we may reasonably expect that “a vase of the red Samian ware, lettered smi. rz. (Smita fecit), or ovvict Fusc. (Brown’s Factory), and containing a strigil, several fibula, and a quantity of coins in third brass,” will a found by the workmen engaged in making a sewer in Lewkenor’s Rents. It is not impossible, in, but that a fine specimen of tesselated pavement (in size 18 he om by 20 mee representing the lower portion of the hind legs of a horse (reasonably considered by one of our | most eminent antiquaries to Pegasus), may be found thirty feet | below the old Excise Office. And should such a discovery be made, we may predicate with certainty that “that indefatigable virtuoso Ma. Roacu Smitu” will hasten to secure the treasure for the civie museum ; but will find, on arriving at the spot, that the discoverer, an honest navigator of the name of Syxgs, after in vain endeavouring to sell the priceless relic for eighteenpence, has, in extreme disgust, chopped it up with his pickaxe. “Now barrows yawn, and cairns give up their” torques, or other conventional contents. Now, too, the happy possessor of the house in | P Aldgate, beneath which stands an Karly Buglish chapel, makes the seventy-eighth annual discovery of that recondite fact. For the seventy- eighth time it is communi to daily papers; and once more an accurate drawing of the chapel, taken (on the spot) from the Gené/e- man’s Magazine of December, 1772, appears in an illustrated journal. This year, however, our archeological penny-a-liners have gone further afield, and, in company with Cartan Newenuanp, “our Ad- miralty agent,” have discovered the “ ruins of that Alexandrian Library which was burnt by the Cairn Oman.” They are confident of the fact, because the Captain discovered the “ remains of a building,” and | | which journey the commissioners w “masses of double columns ;” which, to be sure, must have been the columns of the Memphis Gazette, or Thebes ao: They go on to say: “An immense block of blue granite was also dug out, weighing several tons, and covered with, apparently, Coptie letters. The Captain was unable to obtain a tracing of these letters.” : It was at once evident to Mr. Punch that a mass, of the described colour and density, could only be vitrified Blue-books; and he im- mediately applied to Sarp Pasua for permission to make that transcript whieh the Captain had been unable to effect,—and it is unn to say that the Sarp Paswa readily gave the said permission to the said Punch. At present the eminent scholars whom Mr. Puach has em- loyed Eave only been able to translate a portion of a “ Report from the mmissioners appointed to convey the god Aris from Nubia” (where they had purchased him) “to Memphis.” —- He appears to have been of the short-horned breed, and it is ver interesting to know that he had been brought up “on 12,000 Ib. of oil- cake, 10 tons of turnips, and 40 fodder of hay,” and that ere he reached the place of exhibition he travelled eight hundred miles on foot (during i him unmercifully), and two hundred and thirty in a car decorated;with flowers, and drawn by relays af fellahs—. ¢. of any fellers whom the commissioners could press into the service. Doings in the Hop Markets. Aw immense deal of business has been done lately at the new Hop | Markets, or cheap dancing shops, of which there are several in every | quarter of t he town. These hop markets are chiefly frequented by the growers, who have not yet done growing, and who are st a ieee green. The produce is considerable, and indeed there are in low ne: some Hop Markets where pockets are at all times being picked by | those who may be said to have their hand in, whenever an opportunity occurs. ‘069 ‘ON ,HONQT)

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PUNCH, OR TH E LONDON CHARIVARI. “A BOOK IN A BUSTLE.”—A TRUE TALE OF THE WARWICK ASSIZES.” Tue partial power that to the female race Is charged to apportion gifts of form and grace, With liberal band moulds beauty’s curves in one, And to another gives as good as none : But woman still for nature proves a match, And grace by her denied, from art will snatch. Hence, Great Ewa, grew thy farthingales; | — ter Anna, swe thy hoops’ wide sales ; To this we must refer the use of stays ; Nor less the bustle of more modern days. Artful device! whose imitative pad Into good figures roundeth off the bad— Whether of simple sawdust thou art seen, Or tak’st the guise of costlier crinoline How oft to thee the female form doth owe A grace rotund, a line of ampler flow, Than flesh and blood thought fit to clothe it with below! There dwelt in Liverpool a worthy dame, Who had a friend—Jamwes Tayvuor was his name. He dealt in glass, and drove a thriving trade, And still saved up the profits that he made, Till when a ps blest his marriage bed, The father in the savings-bank was led {n his child’s name a small sum to invest, From which he drew the legal interest. Years went and came; James Taylor came and went ; Paid in, and drew, his modest three per cent, Till, by the time his child reach’d girlhood’s bounds, The sum had ris’n to two-and-twenty pounds. Our cautious legislature—well ’tis known— Round savings-banks a guardian fence has _ thrown: "Tis easy to:pay into them, no doubt, Though anything but easy to draw out. And so Jams Taytor found; for on a day He wanted twenty pounds a bill to pay, * And, short of , unto the bank applied ; Failing some form of law, he was denied ! James Taynor humm’d and haw’d—look’d blank and blue ;— In short, Jamus Taytor knew not what to do ; | His creditor was stern—the bill was overdue. As tova friend he did his plight deplore— Che worthy dame of whom I spoke before— | (It might cause pain to give the name she owns, | So let me use the onym of Jongs) ; “Tayuor,” said . Jonzs, “as I’m a friend, { do not.care if I the money lend. a even friends seourty shonld noid ; jive me , ad” “This sovingstieal: deposit- !” he cries. a daughter's name the sum that | es ! She saw—and, satisfied, the money lent ; Wherewith James Taytor went away content. Objects of the Bluecoat School. On Thursday last week, being St. Matthew’s day, the annual orations were—according to the newspapers—delivered at the Bluecoat School.| Whatam 1? Wheream1? WhyamI? hese are just the sort of i questions we can fancy might oceur to the rather bewildered mind of a up after a night’s lodging in the station house. We assumption of objectionable titles by authors and y alluded to for one | publishers, just as much as we —_— against the said assumption by : amused their auditors Archbishops and Cardinals. Ther With panegyries on blue cassocks, and pewter buttons, praises of flannel affectation i petticoats, encomiums on yellow stockings, and apologies for caps into Unfortunately, we were not present on this interesting occasion, and are therefore not in a position to give the courses. As, however, the benefits of the subject, the clothing of the scholars was prob: thing ; and we sup the youthful speakers which it is impossible to get the head. ospital constituted their | protest against (BY THE GHOST OF CRABBE,) But now what cares-seize Mas. Jones’s breast ! And Toms, seeing Mrs. Jones aghast, What terrors throng her once unbroken rest! | Revealed the book was forged—from first to | Cash she could keep, in many a secret nook— But where to stow away Jamzs T'ayLor’s book ? Who.can describe the wrath of Mrs. Jones ? Money is heavy: where ’tis put ‘twill stay ; Paper—as Wiiiiam Coppetr used to say— Will make wings to itself, and fly away! last ! The chill of fear that crept through Ta yLon’s ? The van—the hand-cuffs—and the prison-cell Long she devised : new plans the old ones chase | Where pined James Tayton—wherefore pause | | Until at last she hit upon a place. | Was’t Venus that the strange concealment planned, Or rather Piwrus’s irreverent hand ? Good Mrs. Jonwzs was of a se make ; But when did woman vanity fo P What nature sternly to her form denied, A Bustle’s ample aid had well supplied, Within whose vasty depths the safely hide ! | "Twas thought—’twas done! by help of ready | | pin, ‘Vhe sawdust was let out, the book put in. Henceforth—at home—abroad—where’er she | ; moved, Behind her lurked the volume that she loved. | She laughed to scorn the cut-purse and sleight ; No fear of burglars scared her through the night ; But ah, what shrine is safe from greed of gold, What fort against cupidity can hold ? Can stoutest buckram’s triple fold keep in, The odor lucri—the strong seent of tin? For which Cuvee’s locks are weak, and Mut- NER’S safes are thin. Some time elapsed—the time required by law, Which past, James Tayuorn might the money draw, His kind but cautious creditor to pay, So to the savings-bank they took their way. There Mas. Jones with modesty withdrew,— | Lo do what no rude eye might see her do,— And soon returning—with a blushing loak, Unmarked by Tay or, she Of Ma. Tomxxns, the cashier so bland, What ean there be upon the red-lined page That ‘Tomxrns’s quick eye should so engage ? | What means his invitation to J. T., To “ walk in for a moment ”—*‘ he would see” — “Only a moment ”—“ ’twas all right, no doubt,” “Tt could not be”—‘‘and yet”—here he slipped out, Leaving James Taytor grievously perplext, And Mas. Jones by his behaviour vext. “ What means the man by treating people so?” Said Tayior, “I am ata loss to know.” Too soon, alas, the secret cause they knew ! Tomkins return’d, and, with him, one in blue— Po.iceman X, a stern man and a strong, Who told James Taytor he must “ come along” * Vide Spectator, for September 16. : | And in a yellow suit turnec k might | ; roduced the hook. | Which he, presenting, did the sum demand =i ag herous hiding-p to tell? ' Soon came the Assizes—and the legal train ; In form the clerk James Tayuor did arraign ; | And though his council mustered tears at will, | Amd made black white with true Old Bailey skill, Tascam though Mas. Jonzs for mercy sued, Was doomed to five years’ penal servitude ; up with gray, To Portland prison.was conveyed away ! Time passed: forgot James Tayuonr and his shame— | When Jo—one day unto the bank there came | } | A new James Taytor—a new Mas, Jones— a new book, which Tomkins genuine owns ! |“Two Tayvons and two Jonzsxs and two y00ks ”’— ' Thought wary Tomkins, “this suspicious looks— |“ The former Taytor, former Jones | knew— These are impostors—yct the book is true!” | When like a flash upon his mind it burst— eer =~ saa the second book had forged the ' b! | Again was summon’d X, the stern, the strong— that pair were bid to “ Come along!” | The truth before the justices appear’ d, And poongid James Taxion’s character was clear’d. In evil hour—by whatchance ne’er was known, Whether the bustle’s seam had come unsewn, Or Mus. Jones by chance had laid aside The artificial charms that decked her side— But so it was, how or when e’er assailed— idi » was tried—and The book was ta’en—a forged one fill’d its 1 , aCe _ And Wins, Jonzs was robh’d—not to her face— And poor J.e8 ‘Tarton doom’d to trial and disgrace ! Who shall describe ser anguish—her remorse ? jaan rate . JONES, repents. 0 swore Henceforth to munca she d keep, before. My tale is told~and, what: is mor.*» {8 tue : I read it in the rse—so may you. . And this it’s moral: Mas. Joneses aly ~ , Though reticules may drop, and purses fa." , Though thieves may unprotected females hus. Never invest your money in a bustle. rticulars of those dis- | gentleman waki Questionable Taste in Literature. Somenopy has written a book bearing the somewhat affected title of among writers of a particular class, and we therefore feel called upon to quash What am I? &c. &c. as animpertinenec, to which Who are you? would form an appropriate supplement. ¢ is rather a tendency to this kind of ee er Cr a a . en ie ite me

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areata agpmannents we Tee ws F re. —_ ce nelle nena aaa csniteenscniletthe weil abe c. cern Sean? Dee ak aaa | of Mr. Cuaries Keay, which is excessively unpleasant when it is not | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE CZAR’S WORST FEAR. | MONKEY’S ALLOWANCE. . E consider the oceupation| A Boa Constrictor has, it seems, arrived lately at Liver- of the Crimea is nothing pool, In good health and tolerable spirits. er having to another invasion of | eaten nothing for nearly five months it suddenly made a Russia which must take | mouthful of a live — Be If this was only a prelimi- place—and that when the | Bary snack, we recommend all monkeys to keep out of war isover. We may pitch | the way, and we congratulate the powder monkey on his shot and shell into Sebas-| fortunate escape, for the boa constrictor luckily had no topol, and throw French | appetite on the voyage. We are told that the animal was and English troops upon| “at large among the cargo” for fifty-eight days, but we the town and fortress: but | have not heard that he bolted any of the luggage. Sup- what is that to turning | posing the beast to have spared the limbs, we wonder he loose some thousands of did not swallow the trunk of a passenger. heads, primed and loaded 3 with liberal notions, on = Rassian soil? ‘This we A Political Shawl. the aioe be mace A = _We are told that, when the Empress or tue Frencu taken from the enemy, in-| Visits England, she will appear in a shawl, worth forty || structed and educated by | thousand francs, with the arms of England and France \| their sojourn in Evgland—| Woven in lace. This to be typical of the coming free trade ’ inbued with the ideas of |'@ thread and cotton. Punch's own correspondent observes, free men. What will Nr-|im addition, that the Empenonr’s dress waistcoat will be cuoas do to avert this! ornamented with a border of corkscrews and -vines}; blow? No quarantine will | 9% ¢mblematic of his intention of throwing open France to purify men from liberalism ; | English steel, that England may, im return, take cheap will he order the vessel that shall come them to their native country to be scuttled | French wine. is is authentic. and sunk, or command that they shall all be hanged or shot? Really, in the event | ara Saee Et of a peace, the best thing for the Russian prisoners to do will be to remain where} Water-Drixxrxe Sones.—We observe that “ Tem- they are: they will have learned too much to be suffered to exist among their’ perance Melodies” are advertised. Are the tunes selected countrymen by the Czar, wo Hawnpe.’s Water Music ? AN ACT | For the Abolition of @ cortain Nwisance, now being largely practised by | Performers, Amateurs, Singers (Professional as well as Private), | and young Gentlemen generally of a facetious and persecuting burn. | CUABEREASD it has lately become the babit of many hundreds of | Your Masesty’s subjects—authors, reporters, guardsmen, performers, | officers, singers at the Cider Cellars and evening Parties, apprentices, shopboys, “Old Boys,” and other boys, and young gentlemen of all | ranks and grades and degrades of life—to indulge in a certain imitation | exact, and 1s still more so when it is: } / And UWihereas it has also been the habit for several months past, of | the above-mentioned individuals, and many more equally infatuated, or | perversly inclined, to indulge in those same imitations at all times and places, when they are neither wanted, expected, called for, or agreeable | —so much so, that it has lately become positively dangerous and un- | pleasant to go to the Theatre, or to make any allusion in Society to the | Stage, for fear of having that eternal imitation dinned into your ears: | Anv CWeihereas such a habit must, if illiberally pursued, necessarily | tend, in point of time, to bring imto disrepute a great actor who enjoys | the patronage of the Court, and has done so much to improve and | elevate the Drama, and may also, if not stopped, have the further un- | happy effect of throwizg an undeserved slur upon his universally- admitted talent, to 8°77 nothing of his genius : _ May it therefore, please Your Masesty that it be enacted: An¥ be | it @nacte¥ that henceforth each actor in burlesque or otherwise, so | offending air4mst good taste, be considered unpardonably guilty of a| great bre-,ch of manners, and for each such offence his salary be stopped | tor the evening; and, moreover, if he be convieted of more than three | sucb_ offences then that no mercy be shown to him, but that his engage- ment be, ipso malo, forfeited, and the stage doors of all other theatres be | closed in his face, without benefit, even, of any Saloon, Tavern, or the Princess’s : Anv be it further Gnacte¥ that each individual so offending in| private, and not having even the common excuse of a poor actor, of seETCH ON THE BEACH, NOT A HUNDRED MILES FROM (iam AURAL _—— —————— iclineemnelll | getting his livelihood by the atrocity, be, the moment he begins with | RS. “ Now isht the winterre of our dishcontent,” &c. &c., instantly ejected | BROADSTAI from the room, and thenceforth without further ado, sent to Coventry | HOW SMITH APPEARED IN HIS NEW BOOTS AFTER BATHING. by all his friends and acquaintances, as being a man of perverted tastes | and vulgar ~~ hey on it be pone . os enenapest to associate, and, moreover, if such misguided indivi will persist in | —_ . . the same line of general annoyance, that a anyone be at liberty to give! Thanksgiving in Spain. : him into custody for endeavouring to incite Her Maszsty’s subjects; [7 js said that a form of public thanksgiving for the expulsion of to commit a violation of the peace : | Queen Curistrva, and other blessings to the Spanish people, is about Anv be it further @nacted that for each such offence, fully proved | to be ordered, and that with a quick and honourable sense ©} what is before a Magistrate, the lowest penalty be a fine of five pounds, or a| due tothe foreign creditor, EsPaRTERO has commanded the month’s imprisonment in one of Hien azesty’s Houses of Correction. | to begin with these words—“ Let us pay.

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| know what trouble will thence | A QUEER GUIDE TO GOVERNMENT SITUATIONS. | the discovery, that the he PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Ir has been dimly evident to the British Public for some months past, that the “Civil Servants of the Crown,” (with which mouth- filling title Government clerks eke out their seanty emoluments,) have acquired an “organ” of their own—an organ, too, with a trumpet stop of such peculiar power as te tempt the performers to a frequent use of it. Of this organ, however, the British public would probably not be cognisant were it not that certain hebdomadal paragraphs, purporting to contain the latest intelligence of vacancies and appointments in Government offices, are rather greedily appropriated by its con- temporaries. From these the public may learn how T. Percy Jowgs, Deputy Assistant idewaiter, has at length been overtaken by “ that | tide in the affairs of men” for which he has so long been waiting, and which has now taken him on the flood and borne him on to be an Assistant Tidewaiter. Thence we learn too (under the head of Customs) that there are as many “classes of clerks for general business in London,” as there were cireles in Dawrr’s /xferno—and we may trace the pro painful and slow, of many Browns and Greens towards the giddy eidute of of first class and £300 per annum. It is not generally known, and Mr. Punch rather prides himself upon madal announcements of vacant appoint. by contumacious “Civil Servants,” who well ensue to the chiefs of their several lof ments are concocted | departments. But though not generally known, this will be generally | to bestow the app ae when Be i is stated = on the + intimation that there was a vacancy for a t class tio clerk in the Subsorting depart- ment of the General Post Off > : (whose united families comp 4355 ns), 478 widows ( united incomes amounted to 28567 13«. 44¢.), and 832 lieutenants im the Navy (who had served in the aggregate 4296 years, and had seen 13,676 juniors go over them), wrote urgently to entreat Lonp Cannine tment “on one who would never give him reason to repent of the he had shown to a distressed,” &c. &c. Some | ffi, idea of the labours of his Lordship’s private secretary a be is gl | from the fact that he was occupied for three months, eight | nine hours, in reading these app ions, and that he wrote at ¢ notes setting forth that, “ Unfortunately the appointment had been filled up six days before the notice of the vacancy had appeared in the public prints, and that indeed, as a rule, such valuable appointments were not given away to the Public, but were reserved exclusively for pet wee ele meritoriows Civil servants as had been more than 50 years in r posts.” announcements with the greatest attention, and very mueh st was-he to read a few days since the following The appointment of Postmaster of Bath is vacant, caused by the death of Ma. Mosuneae 4400 per annum, vice Surru, in the gift of the Postmaster General.’’ As far as the word “ Muscnave ” the sentence was sufficiently clear, but after that word, the master of sentences himself could not fathom its mystery. Dees slavery then exist in England? Has the Post- master General a serf named Smit, whom he can devise at pleasure mov tosh tom ae Who of ail the Sucrrtrs? But, No! that way madness lay. Mr. Punch could not i that inquiry. Still, how- ever, there were the words “£400 per annum dice Surrn, in the gift of the Postmaster eral.” Of course if he Were free to | £400 per annum vice Sutra, but how uld be so mad as te retain vice L401 w . Racked by = ing ome in on the, morrow in is extreme wrat with the whic bad rplexed him, he oe to the words “ by of Mn. Usemave,” and give the lands of Deloraine Musorave were alive again.’ ie isl ——————————— Not Bad, Hay? A Gattant and discontented ornament of Hen Masesry’s naval | service transmits to us the following recipe for preventing burglary. Tnscribe on your door plate, and under your name, the words ‘ Naval Half-pay Lieutenant.” The severity of the satire is, so far as we are concerned, slightly alleviated by our not in the least understandin what it means, but we trust that the First Lord of the Admiralty wi feel himself duly scarified. THE CZzAk’s COUSINS GERMAN. less than 394 country eurates'| Lion THE WAR IN PARIS. & ONSIDERING that the allies have not itherto been v active at the Theatre of War, French troops have been tolerably busy at the Theatres of Paris, and a consider- able force is oceupied three or four times a week in resisting the Siege of Silistria at the Hippodrome. The whole proceeding is what might be in the a “ brilliant r; er, and we yee aout ot managers © irque hac been entrusted with the management ee the campaign, the Rus- now be li the dust of Cromata as oS as they mom | of the aie the art of Paris. #0 essentially a that they require their movements in the field, as well as for their manteuvres AY footlights. If Mom, Be —- had been sent out to raat to the With a sufficient staff and directors of the mise @n #@0me, we should by he time time i seen the curtain a on @ brilliant tableau in which Russia bag Sag ae A @ effectually quashe by the spurs of the Game Cock Bri imitation ; it is quite certam in the Te not think it beneath y to take part in the “scenes in the circle,” under the pn» Naor of some Parisian Wippicoms, We understand” that several gallant {soldiers of high rank take - in the mimie Siege of Silistria— an —— ey — to] not vied among ourselves, for we RD on on Astle 8 re or H. R. H. the Duce oF Camparnce dashing up a platform on his richly steed, and inviting six mounted supernumeraries to follow him through the upper entrance O. P. side to death or victory. We think our French neighbours are a little premature in converting Silistria oy into a stage although the events now passing will hereafter be read in those pages of history—the perme 3 ae y My think = y= with ia is not yet quite - the dramatist o' for the yen the riding whip of Wippicomn, t undying one CARDINAL VIRTUES IN A HAT. Iw an ‘account recently of the death of Canpiwan Mad, we are told that “the Cardinal owed his hat to the _ —— which he had aequired in the learned world.” Consideri inal is almost as con- show | spicuous for his red = as his ead-dress, we do not see why any | icular reference should be made to formed to what he owes his stockings? eo | affectations |in phraseology, and we therefore enter our protest roa the ex sion above ted If r old Bureriess were to die, we "s he is wig pomp 0 ealied him to the Bar,” or that “he owed his | sued him ws ing of the money.” fact is that Canprwat | Max Mar did not owe his hat, or the pevse ot hip hat, to anybotly but his hatter. His elevation to the rank of Cardinal may have been owing to | his “ position in the | world,” but to pee his hat with his rank ia to allow the former to get a-head of the latter in a manner we cannot approve. A Wishy-washy Joke. Tux Australian steamer Cress ory been laid up at Sydney with a leak, we bos J leave to suggest that her name should be forthwith changed to the Water Crvvsus. HINT TO RUSSIAN SERFS. iz appears that the Czar has no end of German cousins. Every day brings forth some fresh proof of the enormity of his ccnenage. Tax Tave Car ov Liseaty.—The Percussion Oap. ang the | Claws of the British nti Sige Sadat at the with such splendour | and clog thes we doubt he felting She ben pal “ote Ut i can oon with meee ene of little men at the to the siege, the troops and Ne are we not | on Sy om Rees eis. abeaooa all

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. } THE ULTRAMONTANE CRAB. (Lines for an Inscription on a Tablet.) Let us go back ; renounce the senses quite : And altogether cease to place reliance On reason, save as guided by the light Of faith : let us abjure all human science, And set all facts, but Rome, at mere defiance. The earth stands still; it is the sun that moves ; Astronomy is only a delusion ; We therefore will not credit what it proves, For both the premises; and the conclusion, tenes & Are forged by demons, for our souls’ confusion. 7 The powers of steam and electricity, es } So-called, are diabolic emanations ; ’ i } } And all the curious arts of chemistry | Are, in effect, so many incantations, boas * Of sorcery the modern applications. ay eee rere Te wr res iN = Feu ny Avo. Tlie stars are lamps suspended from the sky, To light this world, placed there for that alonc ; A solid is the blue expanse on high, Flat is this earth which we exist npon, Antipodes beneath us there are none. None, but the Prince of Darkness, and his crew, | Newton aud Gatrizo who include, { Prresriey, and Wottaston, and Davy too, Who will be joined by all the wicked brood Of your philosophers, that men delude. Let us go back ; consistent let us be : ' All their discoveries outright deny As magic frauds: and what we plainly see, Flatly maintain to be an utter lie: And—when we’re able—all gainsayers fry. ccatieoe e Ll caleesy ae Sinead. ONY mrpnam. 7 iin aeoul ante ee 1 armpagrerememsirnrenanees aD Sy THE “ ENTENTE CORDIALE” IN A CIGAR-BOX. | Lovrs Napotzon and Proce Ausert are said to have “YOUTH AT THE PROW, AND PLEASURE AT THE HELM.” |swoked cigars iogether. If the honourable plain- dealing , he mi of our noble Prince were not known so we — ao = “Tar Happy PAIR THEN STARTED FOR THE CONTINENT, VIA FOLKESTONE, almost. be suspected of goimg over to France purposely TO SPEND THE HongYMooN.” “ to smoke an Emperor.” THE BROOKE TESTIMONIAL. LEFT-OFF CLOTHES FOR AUSTRALIA!! very day advertisements may be seen in the papers, commencing with the words at the head of this article. Australia would seem to ‘be in want of a sort of Rag Pair, at which worn- out wearing apparel may be obtain- able... This is perhaps on account of the new Constitution, which proposes to adopt an aristocracy, and some other of our old habits. . The adver- tisemenats to which we allude make special mention of “ Regimentals and Court Suits,” as if it were m contem- plation to establish in the: Colonies second-hand Court costumes, to be followed by second-hand Courtiers in second-hand Court dresses, and other seedy finery. It does not say much for the cause of iss in Australia that there should be a large demand A crrcuLar, signed “Joun Funxs,” or some such name, has been | forwarded to Mr. Punch It is dated from New Street, Birmingham, | \ J“ tn, and it “earnestly solicits ” the recipient’s “ subscription and influence, | ii made payable by cross check or otherwise,” to a fund for the purpose | ; of presenting “the above Eminent Actor with an appropriate memento f the high sense entertained for him as a Man and an Actor.” a To a printed. circular, Mr. Punch begs to answer in print, as| bi Be follows :— Ist. That he does not know how to make his influence payable by cross check or otherwise. ; aa Qndly. That he has a general contempt for the whole Testimonial | system, and a special contempt for the system of canvassing in order to | get up a Testimonial. 3rdly. That he has never enjoyed an opportunity of entertaining any | 4 sense “for”. Mr. G. V. Brooke “as a Man,” except that having| & 2 § viewed Mr. Brooke from the front of several theatres, Mr. Punch | td considers him a reasonably good-looking “ Man,” and one who makes| “J up extremely well for the stage. 4tily. That he does not entertain a high sense “for” Mr. Brooxe | as an Actor. : " for the left-off liveries of our Courtiers, B 5thly. That from the above premises, Mr. Jon Fuxxs may draw| who are offered the “best price” for their trappings, by the Messas. i his own conclusion, which is about all that, in his capacity of canvasser | [s,,cs and Mr. and Mas. Levy. We had ee better for the eS ior “the Brooke Testimonial,” he is likely to draw out of Mr. Punch. | colonies than the attempted establishment of a sy Street : AS a es eee Court at Sydney or Melbourne, supplied with dresses by the ordi- + pret e \ a - nary costumiers of Drury Lane Masked Balls and Vauxhall Fancy Féte i Down on Disraeli. ies See i Tue Orangemen of Down have requested Mr. Disrati to be their | leader; and further, at the shortest notice begged him to act forthem| Espouse rx Haste, ayp Repent at Letsure.—The worst kind of the part of Moszs. Mr. Disragzui has returned a very benign answer, | espousal, is when you espouse another Locals quarrel—and still but it is plain from his response, that he is not at present prepared to| worse, when it is the quarrel of a couple you are espousing. double the character of Moses, seeing there is just now such uncertainty | 'To get divorced from an espousal of the latter nature, it is decidedly | about the Prophets. | two to one but you will have to pay most dearly for it. Printed by William Bradbury, of No. t& Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 27, Victoria Street, in the Parish of St. Margaret and St. we in the County of Middlesex, Printers, at their Office in Lombard Sirect, in the Precinct ep Witctria:s, im the Chy of Leneon,.nd Published by them at No. 8, Fleet Street im the Parish of St. Bride, the City of Lendon.—Sarvapar, September 30, 1554, Jona, Westminster, both

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| | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A TALE OF THE DOG DAYS. “Tr is not perhaps generally! IL THE LANDING. "Neath the lee of Serpent’s Island, they have mustered one and all — : ic ~ Ships of the line and frigates and steamers great and small : — ~_ we } nny = amd twice oo hundred transports at their moorings fall and rise— about to farvish « shilling’s ith sixty thousand gallant hearts—a-fire for high emprise. worth of the very stalest | The flags fly out !—a rending shout !—and lo, upon its way, news—that ‘here exists in That mighty mass is moving o’er Kalamita’s bay. London a regular body of! As on they pass, both eye and eens are sw + ~ the coast— professional dog-stealers. The But all is still, on steppe and hill: where is the Russian host ? members of the fraternity are understood to keep a Seere- | Shoal-water now—from every bow hark to the cable’s clank ! tary to conduct their eorres-, Down from the davits swing the boats—still filling—rank on rank. pondence, as well as a large | Then from eaeh hull with even pull, three yards ’twixt oar and oar, tanning establishment, to pre-| Silent and strong they surge along, till the stems grate on the shore. pare for the leather market | are not ransomed by their| owners. The dog stealers recently took a savage way to work on the fears of an old lady whose pet had fallen into the hands of “ the trade,” and who had shown some reluctance to lay down the sum of eight pounds, which had been demanded as the price for the restoration of the favourite. The owner of the delicate animal received one morning by post the tips of her dog’s ears, with an intimation that the entire animal would be forwarded to her by post in the same minute instalments unless the money was forthcoming, and that on the next day the parties who sent the letter proposed to drink each other’s health in a cup of dog’s nose. Rather than submit to the infliction of these homeopathic doses of Ne ary composed of infinitesimal morsels of her lost favourite, the y at once sent the sum demanded, and received her dog, minus the tips of his ears on the day following. A BROADSIDE FROM THE BLACK SEA. I. THE EMBARKATION. the hides of such animals as | And still they land—along the strand close forming as they come, lose girt for strife: ne’er a scream of fife: ne’er « roll of the throb- m. On shore or height no foe in sight! Behind his wal!s he cowers. Now forward—France and England—and Sebastopol is ours ! THE NEW POLICE IN PARIS. it will be desirable that we should supply a translation of a few of those terms to which the institution has given rise in this country. Of course will be a new vocabulary daily growing up in Paris, just as there has grown up in London a complete dictionary of words which were never of in any other philosophy but that of the boys and blackguards—too often synonymous—of our great metropolis, We have only to eugaest, however, a few words by way of commencement to those young eginners in the art of slang, who may be expected to “chaff” the Parisian policeman in the execution of his duty. That _ will be called “ Bobbies” is perhaps not unreasonable to expect, a the = > aoe eu the same 3. poe ane ) Lan ps the sobriquet 1s very ° play y dis gamin will pe: salute the ears of the new Paris policeman with the words “Oh! t, toi qui jaime!” which will be equivalent to the ery from our own native street urchin, of “Oh, Bobby! don’t I love you!” Some may apply to the new French constable the powerful term 7 as an equivalent to our rather expressive “ crusher,” and the still stronger word Zcorceur may correspond to the denomination of Peeler, with which our street juveniles favour the ambulant preserver of public order. We congratulate our neighbours on this new institution, which could not have had a more appropriate founder than the present Emperor, who was a special quntalle in London in 1848, and has had the duties as well as the staff: of a policeman at his fingers’ ends, and has been ready to perform his appointed task, whether in capturing a burglar or taking charge of an old woman for being “ drunk and ine: / | We know what hopes went with them, from either side the sea— | The flower of France and England—our Western chivalry— | Into their hands we gave our strength—believing that the trust ‘ | Was destined soon to be redeemed—with sword and bayonet thrust. | They sailed—our prayers rose after them—a fair wind sped them on; “ | Day by day we looked for tidings of battles fought and won ; 7 | We heard of halts—of landings—of camps—reviews—and all | Save only news of battle, till our high hopes ’gan to fall— . And we murmured—and they murmured—for they across the foam, " | Knew well what was expected by the good folks here at home ; | And under summer canvass high hearts did fret and fume, t Till defiance grew disquiet, and glee gave place to gloom. 4 And all the more for that while they lay idle by the shore, " The Turk all singlehanded plucked the laurels of the war ; ' And Silistria’s bloody leaguer, on earth-work and in foss, o Showed the conquering Crescent gleaming, where we looked to see - the Cross. | ce At last came news of battle—but not of man with man; id The Plague it was the enemy—that smote them rear and van ; n- Who can resist the Pestilence that rides upon the air ? es Axtd chooseth, at its will, whom to smite and whom to spare ? = Death was busy in the daytime, was busy through the dark ; er ~ that lay hale and healthy, by the dawn were stiff and stark, | ch And France and England in dismay looked on and could not save ; | lia And glory brought no laurels to deck the soldiers’ grave. | Like a grim, gaunt lion in his lair by sickness stricken low, ~ That feels his strength from him—and his leaping blood wax slow, | he So lay the French and English on Aladyn’s green plain, *, un While the fierce sun blazed above their heads—and rose and set again. di- When sudden came the trumpet-call, and straightway like a charm, | éte Dull =_ grew bright, and strength was put in many « nerveless arm ; And life chased death from out the camp—and streaming to the shore, The French and English legions stood to their arms once more. | 1 of Six hundred transports floated to bear them to the foe—_ still And the great ships, round about them, their iron teeth did show. ing. Sorrow and sickness were flung off, as a serpent casts his skin,— edly | There are sixty fhousand soldiers—and Sebastopol to win ! COPIOUS BLEEDING. ast week (according to an Irish contem- rary) a Cartarn Hersuam, of Kil- ey wrote a letter of sympathy to Coronet Garrett, wherein he makes the following declaration :— “ Aa a descendant of those who fought and fell in olden times at Cressy and Fontenoy, and whose family blood saturated the plains of Waterloo and India, had I « son who would follow in the fi ps of his *, I don't know any regiment in lieu Maseery's service | would more willingly confide the eare of that ebild to, than I would to you and the officers under your command.” - How very numerous as well as ancient must have been the Hersuams to have saturated not only the plain of Waterloo, but also the plains of In with the contents of their arteries and veins! What oceans of bloc must they have shed for their country, to impregnate all those extensive tracts of land with so much of that fluid that no more of it could be received or imbibed! Surely the exploits of Cartars Hxr- SHAM’s ancestors will never be Sopetees, even by his friend, Cartan Garnett, and the officers of the oblivious 46th. Difference between Two Suits. Tune is this difference between a Law- and a Love-Suit—that with a Law-Suit our fears are generally for the worst, whereas with a Love- Suit our hopes are always for the best. As our French neighbours intend introducing the new police in Paris, VOL. XXVITI. r «yell Shang wrerpetre~ en ee Rn Say Pie” lillie oo wae fa tele ncnn Bil, oe

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GS pig hile” met Mince BEARS aa itison = ar . tea = et ene | 134 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE IRON AGE OF THEATRICALS. E see that an Iron Theatre | is about to be expogted to Australia. We suppose the appointments that accompany the building will be of ae pupae texture, and that the actors—or at least the principal tragedian—will he a gentleman with iron lungs, adapted to a hard style of acting. would suggest that on| the opening night the! company should sing 4/?’ | lea di quel metallo in addition to the National Anthem. The freight of the Theatre will, it is said, be very expensive; and if the company and the pieces are exported with it, the cost will be ruinous; for apposing the dramas to be estimated as dead weight they would be| sufficient to sink the ship, while the actors, if taken as measurement | goods, must be estimated at the very highest figure if they are allowed | to rate their magnitude by their own standard. = 2 | | | PROGRESS OF WOMAN. Tre softness of the softer sex is sometimes excessive, not only im | respect of heart and head, but also of general bodily constitution. The skin is so soft that it is affected by ev impression ; the chest, the} digestive apparatus, are equally susceptible, and this feeble and sickly condition of system: is termed, in genteel slang, “ delicate.” Delicacy | in ideas, delieacy in com ion, delicacy in thought, word, and action, constitute the charm woman ; but there is nothing charming in a weak stomach, and a tendency to catarrh, and a disposition to faint on | the least exertion. Infirmities like these can never render her an} object of interest to any rational man but a medical one. We turn | with pity and distaste from the poor creature afflicted with them to the contemplation of such a feminine phenomenon as that of which an idea | is suggested by the following paragraph from the Bristol Mirror :-— | “ Pemace Pevesteianism.—Mas. Duyn, the Bloomer Pedestrian, accomplished her | task of walking 1,000 half-miles, in 1,000 successive half-hours, om Saturday morning ; and so Nttle distressed was she by the feat that she i diately ced another task of walking 160 quarter-miles in 150 quarter-hours, which she completed in due time.” . } We do not mean to say that we should like the practice of walking for wagers to beeome fashionable amongst ladies; if they are to be Pets and Wonders, let them be such in virtue of their endearing and | admirable qualities, and not by getting over so much ground in a stated time, and picking up a given number of pebbles with their mouths; which were not made for that purpose. The better half of humamity was meant for other matches than pedestrian. But neither is it desirable that all men should be athletic performers. Both in one sex and the other, however, a few professors of nimbleness, and muscular agility, are useful. They set an example to, and exert a wholesome influence on the rest. We don’t want the wives and daughters of England to do pedestrian feats and to wear pantaloons. But Mus. Dowwe teaches them one fact ; namely, that a woman can walk. ‘This is denied by some, and with a show of reason. Women do not in general walk ; only amble along, or pace to and fro, with the sort of crawl called “ promenade.” Whatever may be the quali- | ties of the female heart, that organ cannot possess the power tocarry on | say nothing of fits, are the accompaniments of the circulation properly, if its proprietress takes no more exereise than this. Hence the need of nurses, doctors, medicines, and changes of air without end, entailing embarrassment, distraction, and often ruin; at any rate causing the expenditure, to avert misery, of money that might have served to purchase pure enjoyment. In any case, an ailing wife is a torment to herself and her husband, and the greater torment to him the more he cares for her. Sighings, yawnings, moans, and groans, to indisposition ; accom- animents not melodious, nor tending to increase domestic harmony. ‘hen, how much more a husband might enjoy of his wife’s society, if she had the adequate use of her legs! Why should man be doomed to take his constitutional alone ? Why must every family excursion cost poor Paterfamilias more than it is worth by eversomuch, that would perhaps have bought new dresses ?—simply because most womankind can go nowhere without being conveyed. Mas. Dunne shows her sex what they might do; and without going her lengths as regards exercise, or her brevities as dress, they might so far take an example from the active Bloomer, as to derive a great aecession of brilliancy, as i } well as increase of duration to their own bloom. Rervsucanism.—A “ Sovereign ” contempt. engaged that labour for as small a sum as he could. in whieh there was no question of feeling cherished, but simply a transaction of com- merce and barter; i drank to the prosperity of the agricultural labourer.” AGRICULTURAL REVELS. Tue Northampton Herald reports, that at the late meeting of the Northamptonshire Agrieultaral Association, Mz. Sravromp, in pro- posing the health of “ The Agricultural Labourers of Engiand,” made the following candid remark. “The labourer asked as much for his labour as he could for it, and the employer was a hard bargain bargain, the agriculturists still but undeterred by that severe According to the journal just quoted, the toast was received with loud cheers; the reporter, however, does not state that it was s We. by a song, with the appropriate title of DRINK THE LABOURER! Drink the labourer; drink the swain, Through whose toil we reap our grain, Rear our oxen, sheep, and swine, By whose means we've got this wine. Drink him; and observe that he Should be drunk with three times three, Of the labourer’s hire a sign, Meaning weekly shillings nine. Drink him ; in a sense ’tis true That we absolutely do ; That, whereby we cut him short, Forms a portion of our port. Claret too, champagne, and hock ; Drink the fellow in the smoek ! Drink him; nay you must do so If you drink his health or no. Fill your glasses to the brim Like your garners, filled by him. Draim your bumpers, every sup, As you use the bumpkin up. Drink him, farmers, in your wealth, Shall we say we drink his health ? Yes; for toil and seanty fare Do the labourer’s health impair. Drink his health; but, as we do, Let him drink his own health too, Health, imbibed with wholesome beer, Lest we drink it all out here. > . — ~ a aS —“ iy) Hf, / fj ty 1) , TSS “SS = Sad ASS . Extraordinary Reserve. A Puseyrre Brsnor, who fills up his leisure time with little dabs of literature, has put at the bottom of his last work “the Author reserves to himself the right of translation.” A Bishop hesitating about being translated! There never was such reserve. .

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j ' | ! | | stock of jealousy in the world before the bicth of SuaksPEane. copyri t, then, has he in Othello? Men and women died for love | m © PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. IN AMERICA HAS AN ENGLISHMAN PROPERTY IN HIS OWN NOSE? ost certainly not. There can be no doubt that, erg | reasoned upon the principles laid down by Citizen Carey, the great trans- atlantie political economist, an Englishman’s nose in the States, is in no mamper a man’s property. a word, a British nose in Ameri is outside of all ownership. Citizen Caney is a man doubt- less held in most deserving honour, his fellow-citizens. This fact course implies that he is smart as gifted. He has plainly a great genius for annexation. The magpie might be Citizen Cangy’s erest, even as the secretive genius of the bird seems to guide his quill. Weak, conscientious citizens have been moved by doubte of the honesty and fair-dealing shown to British authors by American booksellers ~— *— the outlay of a dollar, have annexed the author's works. Take good heart, ye timid ones, and rob at peace; authors have no rights. Citizen Carey has proved the hollowness, the emptiness of the author’s pretension, playing upon it like any drum. In fact the author has no claim to his book, because he never had any property in it; he has merely worked up common stock. Take the | case of a silk-worm. ‘The worm, to be sure, produces silk; but by what means? The worm must consume the green leaf. “Patience,” says the Eastern apothegm, “and the mulberry leaf becometh satin.” Now, what is your author but a mere worm, who feeds his brain upon the common things around him —humaa hearts and human doings, and such matters, im whieh there is no whatever—and being fed his fill, sets himself to work and spins out his book? If aman could write a book in the exhausted receiver of an air ight have some smail claim to a portion of the work ; but writing with the view and enjoyment of all the world about him, he takes from everything, and so taking acquires no property. For mstance, when Tasso—for want of the midnight taper—wrote his verses by the light of his cat*s eyes, we should like to know—and perhaps Citizen Carey will some day benevolently resolve the question —how much of the verse was due to the cat, and how much to ‘Tasso’s own Muse ? “The man who makes a book,” writes Citizen Canry, “ uses the | common property of mankind, and all he furnishes is the workmanship. Society permits him to use its property, but it is on condition that after a certain time, the whole shall become a part of the common stock.” What is the /iiad but a certain apposition of all the letters of the! eae ; aud Greek cowherds had as much right to the alphabet as! { yMER, even after Homen’s use of it. The thing is plain as A BC. Siz Waxter Scorr had no property in his novels; because he had only tilled his mind with facts preserved. He had eaten mulberry leaves, and it was his business to uce silk! “ So again with Mu. Dickens. Read his Bleak House, ak you will find that he has been a most careful observer of men and things, and has merely been enabled to collect a great number of facts that he has dressed up in different forms; but that is all he has done.” Dizi¢ Caney! The Court of Chancery over- rules the printed suit. The book is not allowed by the Great Seal. A man may have divinest brains in his head, but if they deal = legal horsehair, the wig is the original claimant of all accruing nghts. A stockbroker, guilelessly labouring on "Change, does not meekly make a huge fortune by the intelligence and capacities of men, and the common pulsation of the electric wires; therefore, when Baranpas lays out his half million or so on the fattest slice of a county, that slice remains to him and his heirs for ever ; never, never becoming “ a part of the common stock.” But it is logically otherwise with authors. There was a common What ing. What property, then, in Romeo and Juliet 7 Can Mittow have any copyright in Sin and Death ? The Covenanters were known before the Scotch novels. And even before the days of Fagan, were there not American booksellers ? Ma. Carey has convinced us; but he strengthens his argument against the British author by the fact that he is held and treated as a ragamuffin and a pauper by his own beloved England. Thus, if England permits the author to go naked, for such nude reason America may take his skin. If England strips, surely America may The weight of Mz. Caney’s name will, doubtless, for a time keep on all spnetinn of yoy copyright. n the a =, ie a subject no property in his own neit ap Property soever in his nose. Yor how hes ee’ head ination In mercy or remorse, to pull the author’ and renewed? It is proved that by gradual waste and gradual renewal a man gets an entirely new nose every seven years. And how does he get it? Why from the common stock of elementary matter lying around ; nose is not his private nose, but a nose gradually built up by the common influences incessantly at work. And, re- flecting on the masterly logic of Citizen Caney, we are finally com- forted with this conviction, that an American bookseller has every right to pa yey ee a ree pn —_ mentary privilege; a er an ysieal right, should the author complain of the theft, there and then, and without the least 8 nose. . SS A WITLER’S QUESTION. eonfounding many tap-rooms, is this. It is well : to eiilized that, for the last month, the gigantic, many- sided author of The Taptubopolis has been taking his yearly _wandert was seen—his shadow flung upon the moonlight collar N. O. A., with the very imperfect remains of an H. as detected speculative pects es. Our author may be hourly expected at the Mermaid-and-Cork-Jacket, There was a thrill of hope -~ he might arrive on Sunday, between the hours of two and five, when is he, the author he Great Taptubopolis, even with a carpet-bag in his hand, and i pesepiring from Ararat, is-even he to be considered a traveller ? ith the strong sense of impartiality that has ever ani- mated the feelings and works of our author, it is believed that he will not hesitate to deeide against himself in the negative. —=== A DRY SUBJECT. We were sorry to see a paragraph in the Morning Herald, stating with his the side of Mount Ararat; and it is | said has possessed ised of the foesil remains of a monkey, with a the great Pagtion— atl throbbing in witlers’ bosoms—was, | Tue great ~y now agitating many hae—convalting many that a stoppage had occurred in many of the canals throughout the | country, partly from the growth of an obstructive water weed ; partly from a deficiency in the supply of water. We trust some means will be found for removing the weed ; but the only remedy for the deficient water-supply that we see, is at present in mudibus, Should it descend from the clouds in copious rain, the showers will have to be very heavy | to afford the needful quantity of water, whereof the decrease has been doubtless occasioned by the spread of teetotal principles, which, if vm | go on extending, will ultimately occasion every well to be exhausted, | and every river in the country (except the nasty Thames) to be drunk | The Outraged 46th. Mason Bomnsuert (for he enclosed his ecard) has writen to the Morntng Herald awakening indignant attention to the abuse of the Times of the 46th. Why is there not a Court-martial? Why should not Printing-House Square be given up to the outraged, gallant fellows, who would make the seribblers of the Times swallow their own enve- nomed iron quills, and wash down those hireling stilettos with their | own leprous ink ? Mrs. Gamp, however, does not advise strong measures; but rather counsels Mason Bomusneit to raise himself above the slander; to which effect, she has kindly offered the Major the loan of her pattens. The Military Harvest. Ir will be a late autumnal harvest this year. However, wait awhile- when the harvest is gathered in, you will see that the erops will be most ubundant. Glory does not shoot in a day—especially when it | has walls like Sebastopol to shoot against. | LONDON UNDER LUNAR INFLUENCE, Te approaching reign of the Lory Mayor Elect is looked forward ‘to with curiosity, not unmingled with apprehension. People wonder | wees will become of the Civic intellect under the dominion of the | Moon. WISEMAN’S CORRECTIONS OF THE BRITISH PRESS. CanvmaL Wiseman, from his desire to put a censorship on the English press, is onl cases into so many ical founts of Roman type. Orrax Wasrep, Ranety FKourv.—Next to a Policeman, there is nothing so absent as Presence of Mind. y betraying a secret wish to change all our printers’ | ecclesiast Pe kee Se —- > eat Pe tcetal Oe Te Se aes cher ake Leer bAberret ae. ri as in tae t — * ~ Th pewter Rete enc aoe

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Reesor se nes Se ert i ate FGI 5 pln iad ‘eaten all 190 iVvD PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL . N THE ROUND. HAT, LADEN WITH NOVELS, IN A STORM. Ancient Mariner. “ Yow ox a Bit, Miss—I’Lt tow you orF—You sHoULD NEVER Carry so mucn Sart rn a Sou-Wester! ” SS em wach ONIN a English provide for us, that is, according to the knowledge they possess. | RUSSIAN PRISONERS AND RUSSIAN Their meat is another thing from the foul, coarse mess of our barrack | tubs, and their bread is as white as thy shoulders. Fruit and other JOURNALISTS. things are given us in abundance, but they have no pumpkins, nor | Auexis Onpcrovitcn, private Sheerness, to the olject of his affections at St. Petersburg. English beer and spirits, and thy Axexis is learning to like them, and | wedding and mine, dear girl. ‘ ; pickled cucumber, and their drinks—except brandy—are tasteless | in the Russian army, and prisoner at compared to ours. But a man can, with patience, get very drunk upon must not complain. Ruty, my Tecxta, hast thon cause to| “The officers are treated well, but the Bogie have much to learn. | thank the saints that put it into the They lack reverence. They do not understand that an officer is a being | heart of the priest Dimrrrito teach me incalculably superior to the private soldier, inasmuch as he is nearer | writing. For thou wilt hear for thy- our Father the Emperor, and reflects his radiance. When we how | self of the condition of thy ALexis, with abject humility, I see they pity us. . And in their own army I find | and the silver moonshine of comfort that there is strange condescension. When a common soldier salutes | shall rain upon thy soul. I send thee his officer, the salute is returned. There are other singular things. | a thousand kisses. Down upon thy Some officers of England have newly been tried by court-martial. knees, O 'Tecxxa, and bless the name English civilians have presumed to be offended at the verdict, and have | of our holy Father and Emperor. For publicly sent large sums of money to a young officer, because they | he is the best and the wisest of men, | thought him wronged. Such insolent interference with one’s superiors | and I owe him eternal thankfulness for is unknown in our happy land. ‘The knout would be the fitting reward | warring with the accursed infidel Mos- | of it, were it seen. hy master is a rich merchant, and his house is | lem, and stirring up such quarrels as | full of golden furniture and pictures, and the wealthiest feed at his | have ended in thy ALexts being brought | table. Yet fancy that worthy Rackamorr darimg to send a kopee to a * prisoner to England. I bitterly repent | soldier because he had been ill-used. Thou wouldest speedily comb | me that I did not ones his| Mapawe Rackxamorr’s brown curls in Siberia, my Tecx1a, if our | fatherly care over me on the day when | Father left her any curls to comb. our regiment was ordered to Bomar-; “The people behave kindly to us, and as thy Atexts is a handsome | sund, and that I did break out in| man, wie smiling face, the women look at him, and present him with | curses. We marched on the very | tokens of their admiration, as great pieces of cheese, apples, and cakes, | Ponidilnik that had been fixed for thy | which nevertheless they call nuts, and which stick mightily about the It was all for the best. Next to being|teeth. But be not jealous, my Teckta. Many of the maidens have with thee, no better place on earth could have been found for me than | blue eyes, but none of them are so blue as thine, and if I gaze into then this. Out of the way of all harm, and daily faring like a merchant of long and deeply, it is only that at last (when the owners are gone) [ the First Guild, daily do I ery, ‘ Heaven preserve the Emrerox,’ and | may say that there is a brighter pair sparkling for me on the quayof if he in his wisdom desires it, may the war last twenty oom, |the Neva; if I hold their hands, it is but that I may thi “Thy master has not a better table spread than t at which these | softer are thine; if we dance together it is but that I may compare their ‘HIND } ‘169 “ON

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‘) amdoLsg (¥est ‘169 “ON ‘HONODG) OPA , aseny eapyvauy ,, N TOYO fiw, ae LW NOSTUd NVISSAY AO LNANLVAME TF r L Sut {] INO I h “UNV Ne rs | Ti r) I fr: (a 1 Af & By i ¥ f | il H : ‘io (hh ai ‘e ne Nay Np alos fil a y | go n aul Tita iin WN} afore tty | itl Mt i MUN OL nA ‘e iG = fl “a en / } Nip “dl ~, } 4 u/ " Wilh ™ r s an oars game iy i? “ke DT Sa. Phe me ren

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| the silver backs of certain hair brushes of thy master’s. Ivan = | faithful to me, O Tecxxa, or when I return to Russia dread a husband’s | eustoms, and under the doctor’s order thy Atexis has washed himself) } | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 139 movenentaatitGies cum. Tin mame venek saplies to muy cher| oi EG EOE TIA HA attentions thine Anexts may pay these English girs’ S| THE SIDEREAL DIRECTORY OF THE BRITISH “ One thing, O Tecxna. Ivan Goiowniy, valet to thy master, | is a thief and a raseal. He is utterly unworthy of thee. | hope that| ASSOCIATION. thou dost give him noeneouragement. I beat him on the evening we came | ————____ away, that he might remember thou wert mine, but the beast is of a revengeful nature, and might pay court to thee out of malice. If Ivan dares do this, Tecxia, [ command thee, by my authority, to thrust) into his faeethe red-hot iron of the tea-urn, and if he complains, tell the steward to go to the Jew, Reusen Aswxorr, and demand where are been actively engaged paration and that they have trouble thee no more after the steward brings back the answer. 8,000 stars. Meantime, I send thee a thousand kisses. of a Sidereal ———— VERYBopyY knows that the Council of the British Association have long in the pre- Directory, managed to obtain the addresses of upwards of It is obvious, that could implicit a such a moet “To-morrow, our officers are to be taken out to sea, for upon a sand, the Association w where is a Light ship, built after the model of the ark, and calied by the have much better reasons, than name of Noau, is to be some sport for their amusement. I do not) B= Viner ever , for saying know what it is, but there is an insect that squeaks upon the hearths sie ihur ad The last report which bears its name. The stoves here are of a foolish and barbarous - from the Couneil, however, compels construction, and nearly all the heat goes wp the chimney, instead of us to conclude that mo such cer- warming the chamber. The English are very bigoted abowt some of their tainty has been attained, for it states— —e _ erg is only Thursday, but L have not as yet, positions have been fixed accordingly.” $ mm th t J j . . . ‘ i Saree duty to thy excellent master, to the mistress, and! A manifest allusion to the gathering of contributors to as countenance, and mock his misery by invitations to him to dance. The | ty) i “ still quiring to the yo ed cherubim,” treatment of the officers is still more disgraceful. We happen to know | 7 rq “ Many of the Northern circumpolar stars have been observed at Oxford, and their Blackwood’ s . Magasine, which took place at Oxford about a year ago. Now we all to the ld, and I pray that thy mistress will read this to thee, ; year & - and write to me from thee, and also that thou wilt not fai] to burm the they, he a ay md —— my = after aaes ne pane age or to leave the red-hot iron in his chair, as may positions esuld in any ver oy fixed or determined by whet took their — “Thy loving on that memorable occasion. Penetrated with this truth the B. A. rg yy ; _ _,__| have determined to do their work anew, and have resolved to issue a Sheerness, England. ALExIs OLDCLOVITCH.” | gipeularto eaeh star, calling upon him to furnish all the necessary Sept. 43, 1854. ‘information respecting himself under the following heads :— From the Journal of St. Petersburg. | Name and Titles in any Scientific or Learned Bodies — Onder this “ We have been favoured by M. Rackamorv, an eminent merchant d each star will have the goodness to state the name by of this capital, with the sight of a letter written by a private soldier to which he is a he his own —. mg La pe Sens a young female serf belonging to Mapame Rackamorr. The soldier| ~—- prongs ~ Any - ve wn to = is a prisoner to the English savages. His letter, which is written with —— e — his clai 4 ete ek cmap exp true military naiveté, affords irrefragable evidence of the brutality with be ms i ore ,fus claim to be registered as a star can which these ferocious islanders treat the handful of gallant men who! ai - é have fallen into their hands. They force upon the unfortunate seldier| -4¢déress.—Here must be stated the star’s right ascension at the time food of an utterly different character from that to which he has been | of his filling wp the circular, and, to ensure‘uniformity, it is par- accustomed, and insist on his washing it down with the most wretched ticularly requested that all the stars will observe Greenwich and debasing liquors. The poor fellows are made spectacles to the | time. population, who fling them cheese and apples, as if they were animals; Qualifications —Under this head the star’s magnitude must be | ma cage, and this poor ALEXIs, who seems a modest and virtnous, as | stated. If a shooting star, his game license must be exhibited. | well -as spirited and ~~ = young fellow, especially complains that the | Here, too, he may say if he be of a malignant or of a benign English women, who have no delicacy whatever, stare him out of | if he be a “ bright particular star,” if he be in the habit that they are allowed but two roubles a day (except when married, | a —_ ro aepdieneche. ap me ~e — and then three are given) to provide themselves with everything. A unde man and his wife are expected to live on twelve ‘shillings’ a day ! a greed yd pred mh aso postage ~ oo True, he would have bat three in Russia, but then he would enjoy the horizon, Proressor Eise¥BeRG may once more extract a all those indirect but not unprofitable means of improving his income, corn from my Loup Sruagz pz Dactzs’ foot by o painless | which the L indulgence of the Emprnor allows to all discreet operation, and if, when he is in apogee, it will be better for officials. But this barbarous meanness is not the worst. In the r. Punch (“ whose hairs, old friend, now thinly grow ”) to pur- hopes of ee yay ag: gery bapa be yg chase one of the inimitable Dicks’s ¢oupées, or to make himself treachery, the are mt to take them out to a sand, upon ' copious - | which, in other days, British Kise Cuaries caused two thousand Jews s sevoury mouthful for Cosmas’ tae usoel Paovassos | capture of the dastardly Baltic squadron.” OL ul 101 ‘ to be exposed and drowned, in the hope that a similar fate may over- Baows's O Sosorie camslegardatie, take these unhappy Russians. We are authorized to state, that if this | Honorary Appointments held by kim.—Here the star will state over be done, their deaths shall be terribly avenged at the approaching the concerns of what mortal he is supposed to preside—that =e : that it is an act of treason against common sense fo presidency being a purely honorary appointment, and productive of no advantage to the star. The B.A. give notice, however, r any star to say that he has taken the concerns of Nicuo.as Romanorr Financial Logic. under his charge. The Times City article commenced the other day with the statement As it is to be feared that stars of malignant aspect will, from the very following :— malignancy of their nature, endeavour to conceal their real dispositions, “ The English funds have again been without the slightest animation to-day.” every star is earnestly requested to give all the information in his , on pre ‘a the fundholders for the time being were proprietors Po vred pear ng = Mage Fo mn AR eS fe fn 8 prevent them from stating the truth boldly. | In the case of a double star, or of the nebulw, the circular need only England and France Affoat. be filled up by one of the firm, and it is hardly necessary to state that Exctanp has built a three-decker, to be called France ; and France, the leading star (Orion for instance) be from home, d/pha Orionis returning the compliment, launches a Great Britain! To make the ™*7 act for him. =. compliment — nothing but the French language should circulate mena 7 i ke i under the British flag, and pure English be spoken under the tricolor. | Poetry in all Things. A Goop interpretation can be put upon almost ev Tae Suverr Licut or tue Crry.—Some say that the splendour | ag with its chains and Senne ~) of the ensuing Mayoralty will be v t; but othe an | th ck Sheppard l the grand . spinion that it will be all pendiiee. Pe ee ae Tee eae Sons died Sor their pone 28 ye ——— o hing. Even rs can be eulogised by a poet of men who

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nt sa peal eral 2 i ear Anthwopomawtlus Apes. 149 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. FRAGRANCE VISIBLE. A SCIENTIFIC t of the Times, | signing himself “ Iwvesticator,” declares thas | | he can, with a great approach to truth, assert | “That a bad smell may be mapped, i«., the organic atoms | in it laid down on paper, so as to show their very outline.” This assertion “Investigator” illustrates by =~ |an experiment, in which, by the use of the | microscope, immense numbers of fungi and |animaleules, existing im the exhalation of a | cesspool, were found to mark it with charac- | teristie forms. The further progress of dis- |eovery will no doubt show that every odour has its shape; and we shall be able to dis- tinguish the perfume of a dead well from that of a pig-sty, by looking at it through a magnify- |ing glass. It is to be apprehended that t celebrated dispute between the eyes and the nose in regard to the spectacles, will be revived, with a complication derived from the faet that glasses are now made use of by the former to make researches in the province of the latter. | Perhaps optical instruments will in time be con- structed of such power as to enable us to see |a nasty smell at a distance, and give it a wide | berth or get out of its way. “GS; The Reign of War in Russia. Ir has been stated by the newspapers that the | Amphion and Archer have captured twenty Russian barges laden with corn and rags. Especially, we should think, with rags. Should the reign of Nicwosas last nly eg the Russiaus will have nothing but rags to export— and little else to wear. “ ANTHROPOMORPHOUS APES.” Scene—An Apartment, furnished for smoking, Acute and OBTUSE SweELtLs. Ohtuse Swell. What a baw! (Throwing aside newspaper.) Acute Swell, What’s the matter ? Obt. Sw. Paypau full of Bwitish ’Sociation. P’ressaw Owen on What ’s an Anthwopomawfus Ape ? Ac. Sw. An ape that’s like a man. Obt. Sw. Ape like man. Why, evwy ape’s like man! The man’s an ass. Ae, Sw, No; not exactly an ass. Some ‘apes more particularly re- | semble men—Chimpanzee—Oran-outang. Obt. Sw. Aw'—yes. Wangatang—disgasting beast ! Ac. Sw. But I suspect he did not mean them. Obt. Sw. Fellow with blue nose, pawhaps ? Ac. Sw. No; not with the blue nose. rather, and moustache beneath it. Obt. Sw. Eh? Ac. Sw. Whiskers also, and exquisitely arranged: collar likewise, With the aquiline nose, | and tie, both faultless; and everything, downwards, irreproachable, to | boots—inclusive. | F | Obt. Sw. A neva saw an ape got up like that. A’ve seen an ape in a wed jacket. Ac. Sw. Ah!—in his regimentals; very likely one variety of the Ape that Owen describes. This kind of ape is a splendid fellow—plays al! manner of tricks. Smokes cigars. O6bt. Sw. ’Strawny queechaw ! Ac. Sw. Drinks claret-—champagne. Obt. Sw. Beeaw ? Ae. Ste, Oh yes !—beer: and eats the best dinner that you could get | at the best club, or anywhere. | ' | ‘ Obt. Sw. What an expensive monkey! Shouldn’t like to be his keepaw. Ac. Sw. Or Governor ? Obt. Sw. Decide’ly not. ' Ac. Sw. Well, then, this ape will gamble. Obt, Sw. All monkeys a’ fond o’ fwolics. Ae. Sw, Oh'!—but 1 mean /ansquenet and that style of fun. Obt. Sw. Weally! It’s astonishing what some bwutes may be | bwought to do. } Ac. Sw. Then he ll get behind the scenes of a theatre. Obt. Sw. Ah !—when he has to perfawm. to let him in. And then, Sir, this ape diverts himself by running about after the c ‘ to enjoy himself ! thing else. hysna; but neva of laughing ape. his games, his sports, his amours, his dogs and h ; something maw than Mawphus—which means sleepy, doesn’t it ? (yawns). | my boy, I’ve little doubt that the beings he does mean are our noble | selves. | Shouldn’t I like to catch bim ! Surgeons, studying the gigantic bone of some extinct monster. | the College a’ Sawgeons ? | P’vess’ OwEN into sevawal p | policemen in their cuties. de Sw. No; for his own amusement—if the Manager is fool enough Ades. Obt. Sw. Like a dog ? Ac. Sw. Yes; like any puppy. But on two legs, you know. Obt. Sw. Ol! of cawse. Bai Jove, the Anthwopomawfus Ape seems Ac. Sw. He does nothing else; he laughs at the idea of doing any- Obt. Sw. Laughs? Oh!—come, now! A’ve hawd of laughing Ac. Sw. He chatters. Obt, Sw. Ah!—theyaw I b’lievyaw. ine Ac. Sw. He chatters of nothing else but hi do chattaw. , luxuries and his pastimes ; | Obt. Sw. Ab now I see y’ a’ joking. The Anthwopomawfus Ape is In short, the ape you mean is a human queechaw. Ac. Sw. The ape that Owen means; not I. Between you and me, Obt. Sw. You don’t mean t’ say you think he means me ? Ac. Sw. 1’m afraid it’s the fact. + Obt. Sw. Call me an Anthwopomawfus Ape! Confound the fella} Ac. Sw. You will be very likely to find him at the College of Obt. Sw. V\i go and extinguish P’ress’ Owen himself. Wha’bouts ’s Pil go to the College a’ Sawgeons and beat ieces with his gweat bone ! Scene closes, The Empire is—Police! Lovts Naprotzon has resolved to introduce our English system of New Police into Paris. Several distinguished members of our force have been dispatched from Scotland Yard to instruct the French It is not true however, as reported, that aids they have been accompanied either by cooks or nursery-m Extremes.— Many a fool has passed for a clever man, because he has known how to hold his tongue ; and many a clever man for a fool because he has not known how to make use of it.

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_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI | ROYAL AND IMPERIAL ANNOUNCEMENTS. OUR RUSSIAN PRISONERS. uxcn has often thought that the varieties of} Tress people increase upon our hands. A day or two since, a poor a human life are scarcely more wondrous than | little baby war prisoner was born at Chatham ; but, as we understand the various ways of getting a living. There| that th or ABERDEEN immediately telegraphed his intentions of used te be a man about town who got a daily | becoming godfather to the infant Muscovite, the little stranger will meal by literally whistling for a dinner, and who | doubtless be provided for. Still, the question remains to be answered, in pursuit of a diurnal blow-out, eventually blew what is to be done with our Russian prisoners? Are they to be kept out the brief bellows of his own vapid existence. | in idleness? ‘The — of Nicnonas stops the pay of his He flourished for a time on the wind which he| sailors and soldiers when captive: they have then his imperial was enabled to raise, but hie Setuloney Soaaae ee pean eee; b at length flat and stale, until it ended in being a utterly unprofitable. Some men live by hang-|to the said belly’s astonishment, with good beef ing out from the ear of a balloon, where they! For once in their lives, the Russians have fared better than Russian an ented dy Gabe 9 every aye dogs. a na sees them in a state of fri suspense ; Cum owe A there was a poor fellow who lived—and died— ant Gut Gs “a Para by descending in a parachute until the aim of ; Bee BG a her, ugh ober sm ser i uot uch “One of the last new expedients: for utting kes woah ntties ths an captives soul pt sem a bread into one’s mouth, is the Seondie dis- covered art of walking with the head down- yam Le 4 three me emo ve adopted t new walk o! €, an them is a certain Signor, who declares his Anti exploit has been commanded the Kuve or Prussia and the Expsnon apotgow. There are some courtiers who in the presence of Royalty can scarcely be said pir ut il i uh F . tl of cf to know whether they stand on their head or their heels, and there are many persons who to win the favour of an Emperor, would lower the head to an extent that would degrade it even below the level which the heels would naturally occupy. Of course if the Signor asserts that he has been commanded by foreign potentates to walk with his head downwards, we are bound to believe him, but we do not think that either the Krve or Prussta or the Emperor Napovzon would have desired any but one of their own subjects to stoop the head to the extent that is shown in the topsy-turvy proceeding to which we have alluded. Such a ing must compel the executant to look at the world in an upside-down point of view, and teach him to look up to everything low, and down on what is elevated. Such a feat may suit the humour of absolute monarchs, but we are not sur- prised that the trick—if such it may be called—has not become very popular with the British public. POETRY OF PARISH CLERKS. A ye has arisen as to what h books shall be used in | ch . Thane of peseent in ene, 0 Ss to be etjoctonnliv en wane | accounts, one of which, of some importance, is that the verses whic they contain are about the worst in the ». Hymos are devo- tional songs, and songs are poems ; but the limes in question are quite destitute of poetry. Most of them consist of mere tumid ew into rhyme’; and what can be more repulsive than doggrel applied to the expression of solemn ideas? There are eertain compositions of the sort required—the work of a Royal Hebrew bard—one might think that they would serve till better could be had, without the alterations {not improvements) necessary to turn them into the form of ballads. | songs are surely the only fit songs to be sung in churches; and _ at least none should be tolerated that have not ordinary inspiration = enn — —— —— A Conversational Key. | Mew never talk amongst each other about their babies; women | always do. With the former it is the Padlock of conversation, with | the latter the Staple. : MOST FBARFUL WoRK. # _, Every man, they say, is to be judged according to his works; but | if Mr. Coventay Patrons is to be judged by his, we pity him. Miitany Rippie.— Why is the Army in the Crimea like an Ostrich ? Because it has wings which are not formed for flying. A ao rok THe Crry Atmanwack.—WNezt Lord Mayor's Day. A oN. A Temperance Derositron.—Gia: The Drunkard’s Snare. : iF ; i the iron of Russian cannon and Russian anchors. den, constructed of such materials and by such hands, would enshrine a continual lesson and a continual moral. With the bear—a real Russian bear, and the Gardens rejoice at the present time ina magpeioent specimen of the brute—pacing to and fro, oak-bound and iron in that den, what would he represent but Nicnotas thrust into confined limits? And the Russian timber and Russian metal confining the brute, what would they represent but proper Russian barriers, newly made the ian confines to Russian ag- re J +t gression LEAD LINES. Ma. Powcn is so i ienced in feminine wiles as to have read with the astonishment an article headed thus :—‘‘ Leaden Combs for ing the Hair.” On the first of t words he was led irresistibly circumstance that black lead always figured 'the household accounts of Mrs. Punch. tisemeat, however, dispelled this idea. “'T are of everlasting | wear,” it a and Mr, Punch, ing black lead to be of a crumb- | ling and b nature, way his hypothesis. But ,on the supposition that the combs were really composed of the metal in its commonest form, it became evident the advertisement had / been drawn up by a person her ignorant of orthography, and that it should have run thus—“ They are of everlasting ware,” or lrather “ of everlasting hardware.” | That the combs must answer the end for which they were constructed | was evident to him when he considered that the chevelures which are poetieal secured by them can never be called light hair; whilst that they must operate on the wearer’s might, to a certain extent, be in- — from the that those who wear them can never light | Punch would “bear a hand to help a female in distress,” and he begs to that as these leaden combs cannot conveniently be worn during the hours of repose, it may be as well that ladies, whose tresses are what Punch is and always will be—universally red—should | in lieu of the ordinary eurl employ the lead with which the Chinese ‘merchants line their tea ¢ ape pepege: Ge ettetery operation of a cup of bohea on the pineal — of Matilda or Anna Maria would be considerably enhanced by reflection that the wrapper which | whilom enveloped that bohea was about to exercise as great an im- a Oe the integuments with which that pineul gland was sur- Waat 1s Pie Lnow ?—The mail of the Hog-in-Armour. A» Levatirerz Rots.—There is but one rule without an exception —and, what is that pray?—why, that there is no rule without an | exception ! tip eintilck noes eer “secant en eS ea et

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142 ey ~ ‘ ; ie Pie : ce ay } +e 4 be iu

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

<— PARIS MOVING ON. =| Panis, rejoice, for lo! thy new Police } Will break all heads inelined to break thy peace, ; On each street brawler with their truncheons | o) D)

rush, i And thus will Crushers insurrection crush. | The canse of ly will advance, And if in Poe: than oft over France, When every person, who the way impedes, On being ordered to move_on, proceeds. But fain Imagination would essay ' The New Parisian Peeler to portray Delineate his form, depict his mien, And uniform—of azure? red? or green ? Will Berlin gloves adorn his ample fist ? And will a band, on duty, bind his wrist ? Will that be only coloured white and blue ? Or will a brilliant pink be joined thereto ? Will he be furnished with an oilskin cape ? And will his boots be made of any shape ? Or will his highlows, wonderful to see, Like those of our own X., amorphous be ? And will the French Policeman be, like X., The cherished favourite of the softer sex ? And will the cooks and kitchen-maids delight To cater to his hearty appetite ? : Whate’er his dress may be, whate’er his looks, } Whate’er his fortune with admiring cooks, 4 ed Ue Oh Paris, —_ the cry, “ Police!” shail . sound, AN UNFORTUNATE VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCES. May thy Policeman evermore be found ! Adis. “ War Ya-as—aw—I DIDNT WISH TO ATTENTIONS BECAME 8O MAKKED—-THAT—-AW—THE THING—aAawW BUT—AW—IN THE SANITARY TO-MORROW. Tue decline of the lately prevailing epidemic will no doubt allay those omy, or at least uncomfortable, apprehensions, which, during the eriod of its destructive existence, must have oppressed Boards of Guardians, and Parochial and Municipal authorities in general. orm one The temperature is declining; and it may be hoped that the return of the pestilence may be postponed for several, perhaps as mary as nine or ten \ months. The immediate necessity of making drains, repairing or aN covering in sewers, and executing suchlike sanitary works, may be con- sidered to have abated, which will probably more than counterbalance the less gratifying consideration that the ensuing season is the proper time for abating nuisances. Ratepayers will naturally feel that it will i be time enough for that another day, and of course will not believe ia that day to have come until it shall have passed, and the epidemic shall 4 ave become prevalent once more. LOUIS NAPOLEON’S RUSSIAN CAMPAIGN. Tre Emperor attacked the Russian general, Sknawm, in the defiles i f Ambleteuse, turned his left with a considerable amount of imaginable : slaughter, oe the enemy to lay down his arms at the base of the column, and then made his triumphant way to his hotel, dining like a conqueror on jambon flavoured with bays—not that he is of those “ Qui ne pensent le laurier bon Que pour la sauce et le jambon,”

und cotelettes aux olives. Boulogne was not sacked: but several young fishwomen (previously affianced) were put to the edge of the wedding-

ring. “=a a Ve oa 4 : ¥ Political Chemistry. + A Paris correspondent of the Morning Post states that— H “ There is a talk that Paiyce Pontatows«x1, who has recently resigned his appoint- : aw ment as Minister ot Tuseany at Paris, is about to become a nacutraiised French 2 subject.” e : A neutralised French subject should be something like a living neutral salt. How is Pontatowskt to be neutralised? Probably, as | he is to become a French subject, by being saturated with Gallic acid. Lady. “ AND so CarTraIN—THEY SAY YOU ARE GOING TO TURN BENEDICK dd yact LapY WAS INEVITABLE

Hore (by a Butcher).—There is a Silver Side to every Round of Beef. } Mary's aw.” A DYING BLACK SWAN IN THE CHURCH. Aone the literary advertisements of the day we have noticed the following :— | Just published, in Post 8vo, Price 5s. | [eae Bed CANTICLES. of England. We are obliged to put up with a good: deal.sometimes in the way of | nausea, but we must say there is rather too strong a savour of caut in | the idea of these death-bed canticles. A canticle is literally a little song, and if the clergyman is really dying we think it is rather too bad of anybody to speculate in a publication of his death-bed ditties. At all events we think the publication should be postponed until the fate of the author is known, when the work might either be advertised as | the productions of a dead or a convaleseent person, but there is some- thing awful im issuing from “the Row” the me 9 of a moribund minster. If the reverend gentleman has life his friends ought to have hope, and it is really enough to tinish him off at once to announce him publicly asa dying singer of death-bed canticles. If the work is published by his own authority, he may have assumed the title of a “* dying clergyman” from a melancholy and morbid feeling that ought not to be encouraged, but if he is really too ill to attend to the matter himself, and his friends are preparing bis work for the press, if is pre- maturely passing sentence of death upon the author, to advertise him as in the act of expiring while his work is in the hands of the printer. Suppose the reverend individual should get perfectly wel, which we | hopé he will do, before a second edition is required, it will. be-absurd | to go on calling him a “ dying clergyman.” We cannot wish him better than that he may survive. the sale of the first impression of his book ; for he will in all probability reach an almost fabulous age if he shoul live till a reprint is required. | Before and After. Most French Ministers have in their time been farce-writers. Mans English Ministers have also been known for their farces, but then wit them the Farce has been the result of their having being made Miuis- ters, and not the cause. } WANTED A GOOD STRONG ADHESIVE PLASTER, to make | busy bodies stick to their own business. By a Dying Clergyman of the Church

Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 27, Victoria Street, in the Parish of St. Margaret and St. John, Weeeminster. both: in the Coaary of Middiesex, Printers, at their Odice in Lombard Street, City of Loaion.—Sarvapar, October 7, 1554. im the Precinct of Whitefriars im the City of London, and Published by them at No. 9%, Fleet Street, im the Parish of $t. Brice, im the

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' them that the God of Russia (I need not name your Majesty) was unable to | | | how cool, and even playful were your troops, while combating for yon. *, The! Letters / PUNCH, OR THE LONDON RUSSIAN VIEW OF ALMA. Parsce Mexpaxcorr, Commanding the Russian Forces in the Crimea, to the Emperor, St. Petersburg. “May rt Prease your Impznimt Masesry, isis the gratifi potieees supmasing that the — of a ts) in your "3 wo ul military invention, execu wi humble but scrupulous ty, by myself, has been crowned with the most com- lete and that your Meiewe’s enemies are exactly where your Majesty oresaw and I agreed that they would speedily be. “ On inspecting, by the aid of a superb Dottonp (one of the trophies gained when your Majesty’s soldiers at Odessa so brilliantly cut out the English frigate Tiger) the maneeuvres of the combined fleets in the bay of Kalamita, it became perfectly clear to me that the audacious pte for which your Majesty gave the aggressors credit, but of which I confess I scarcely believed them capable, was to be carried into effect. In short, I perceived that it was their intention to land upon the soil of Russia. I must own to your Majesty that, having made up my mind on this/|kla subject, and having actually beheld hundreds of boats, filled with the ferocious soldiery of Albion and and pulling for the shore, | felt so uns ly dis- gusted at such a mixture of effrontery and sacrilege, that I was quite unable to witness the completion of the outrage. Nor would I expose my men to the demoralisation of a spectacle which might have had the effect of rendering them atheists, by showing protect his own holy land from insult. I therefore withdrew with my whole force, and left the unprincipled invaders to accomplish their guilt, while I hastened to prepare the trap devised by your Majesty’s prescience. ing on his t troops ot from a nié rifle wounded the animal. Bead over, | and speedily ted his awkward rider, fell over heels. ‘ , thou callest thyself,’ said the to my satisfaction, that the enemy was bent up and continually renewed his charge, I ord my aaa an, and to fall back, giving sem the he | ce of flight. I need not add that I caused them, | by precept at omen, & keep so far in advance of the pursuer as to incur e tinued up to the present time; and I am y to i to inform | your Majesty that I have led the allies a wearisome march across the Cri : ; ; i 1 E i ay A i i E E one for especial mention, unless I make ion in my own favour. When the allied army is annihilated, 1 | shall do myself the honour of |étting your Majesty know. | Until then, and always, | | a | | / “Tam happy, however, m being able to inform your Majesty that the Path themselves arose to chastise the sors. The most terrible rain be to | descend the instant that the first keel touched the shore, and continued throughout the whole night, drenching the invaders, especially the English, to the skin. The mortality in their ranks, occasioned by the deluge of that night, has been enormous. At least 8000 have been carried off by colds caught upon that occasion, and the | whole of the survivors cough, and roar, and sneeze to such an extent, as to) excite the i ible laughter of your Majesty’s brave soldiers. As your Majesty, | in your great leniency, was ple to order that the war should be carried on with humanity, I should have sent a supply of pocket-handkerchiefs to the afflicted enemy, but for the circumstance of there being but two in our whole army, and these I thought it well to retain in case we should need them for flags of truce. “The enemy speedily commenced his advance, and I immediately proceeded to’ put in practice the system enjoined by your Majesty. I steadily retreated before the allies, until I had lured them as far as the River Alma, the banks of which, [ need not remind your Majesty, are steep and admirably calculated for defence. Indeed, but for your Majesty's orders to the contrary, I could have held the position until the end of the campaign, for it is one from which no general of ordi talent, and with a few thousand men, ought to be driven. The enemy commenced a fierce assault, and was received by your Majesty’s soldiers with the calmest valour. | We drove the English back eleven times, and the French twelve, sweeping away, thousands at every discharge. About thirty-five of the enemy’s generals were killed, and the lowest estimate at which I ean place the carnage in their ranks! is forty-thousand men. Great numbers of English flags and French eagles were} captured, but in the ardour of the moment your soldiers were too eager to secure| them, and, the Alma happening to be full of water, they have all been washed down to the sea, or I should of course add them to the thousand similar trophies in your Majesty’s ion. “May I reckon upon your Majesty’s goodness of heart, and your affability towards the lowest of your subjects, and venture to record a little jeu de mot “Your Majesty’s faithful Servant, “ Mewpaxcorr,” « Sebastopol, Sept. 48.” THE ELECTRIC STORY-TELLER. Wuar horrid fibs by that electric wire Are flashed about ! what falsehoods are its shocks! So that, in fact, it isa shocking liar, And why ? That rogues may gamble in the stocks. We thought that it was going to diffuse : Truth ~ b world ; a. - of which, behold, t is employed by speculative Jews, That speculative Christians may be sold. Nations, we fancied, ’twas about to knit, Linking in peace, those placed asunder far, Whereas those nations are immensely bit By its untrue reports about the war. Oh! let us rather have the fact that creeps, Com: ively, by the Post so slow, Than the quick fudge which like the lightning leaps, And s us credit that which is not so. The calm philosopher, the quiet sage, Pair oe sae ies abused to see, provokes, Especially it puts him in a rage, To be, himself, deluded by the hoax. EXTREME BACKWARDNESS OF THE DEAD SEASON. Tue Flat Season is nearly over, and the Atheneum which has become a by-word in your army. Nothing in itself, it demonstrates| hasn’t had one letter yet upon the authorship of /unius’s vor. XXvI, (*) SS ee ee rena ese wt 7 ae ee

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er Petre ste ee wr ea Paes me a : shctlcay “fess SSE Ss ane 2 cope to Paring — oem nee —ae es a = Picea des. pane min Ney ae 3 ots em Laman eR al | first of our City magnates have 144 _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI Hine It THE NEW UNIFORM.” = THE LIVES OF THE SHERIFFS. We have had the Lives of the Chancellors, and the Lives of other | public functionaries ; but the Lives of the Sheriffs, though yet an un- written book, is a work for which ample materials will be found in | those brilliant biographical bursts which bubble up every Goose-day from the mouth of the Recorder to the ears of the Cursitor Baron. We have lately been favoured through this medium with a sketch of the careers of Henry Mucerriper, alderman and corn-dealer, and Decrmvs Crossiey, sheriff and poulterer. Me. Banxs, the Cursitor Baron, having taken his seat on the bench in the Court of Exchequer, in his fudl scarlet robes (Quere, has he a scanty set for less important occasions?) commenced listening with solemn gravity to the life, adventures, and achievements of Me. ALpER- MAN MUGGERIDGE. That disti man is, it seems, “sprung from that class,” says the Recorder, “ with which I have the honour of know- ing that your lordship has a warm and hereditary sympathy—that class which, under the name of British ee oP Beal =, , support their families through the pleasant and fertile plains 4 Te We then learn the important fact, that “he is ‘one of a large family— one of eight sons I believe”—an announcement which no doubt im- pressed the Cursitor Baron, as it will the world, with due admiration for the multiplicity of the ery > “ At an early period,” con- tinues the learned Recorder, “at the 13, J understand, he was inducted into the mysteries ¥. a mere + counting-house””’ What |® these “ mysteries ” may be, which wy the pore 8 ceremony of an “induction,” we cannot understand, but we know that some of the “inducted” into these Rend ries’ ’ by no more formal process than an e ement as errand Having * attracted the attention of his fellow citize ms in the ward te 6 astle Baynard”—though what he did to attract their attention, except to follow the usual course of canvassing them for their votes, we are not informed,—he —_—— a Common Councilman. In that character he hammered awa P rly at one of the thousand abuses of the City. The result of rs seems, however, to be almost, if not quite void for remetentes, imasmuch as the Recorder has no doubt that “the exertions of ALDERMAN MuGGERIDGE will have laid the foundation of some future arrangement, which, either by the internal powers of the Corporation itself, or by ‘the assistance of the Legislature wil? be productive of some satisfactory result.” Having traced bis hero to the dignity of an Alderman and Sheriff, the Recorder quits the subject of the Muceeripee Memoirs, and introduces Mr. Cuartes Deciwvus Carossuey, the Sheriff and Poulterer, who seems to have brought his eggs on the whole to avery y fair market. There is no particular distinction to be claimed for Mn. Crosstey, op saee of Se City”—what a pure source le families in delicious little bit of y, for which we cannot be too grateful, “I wysetr have the honour to ~ connected.” There is not much to be made of Mn. er ap Mography, f for x ulterer’s life presents but few p copestantiinn Sa ‘or distinction, and Lecorder therefore looks to the the field of future fo The Recorder thus proceeds— “Tt is with the greatest confidence I present these gentlemen to your lordshi: confirmation on the part of the Crown. The past year has been « year of tranq and prosperity in our history. Of that whieh is to eomeno one can mp the impor- except that he “ of enjoyment !— “connected wit, York, with which county.” adds the 1 e ! tance, but of this I am sure, that the loyalty and determination of the gentlemen I now | present to you will not be found wanting, should any unexpected difficulties arise.” It is certainly a new fact to us that the past year has been one of tranquillity, for we were under the rather general had been a year of war, but if an sion that it | y em should be “ unexpected difficulties,” for which the Government and | the Legislature have failed to provide, there will be the “ * loyalty and determmation” of Mucceriper and of Cmossizy, “ citizen poulterer,” to fall back upon. It is gratifying to feel that the valiant pe ~ ape is not likely to prove chicken-hearted, or to display the white -at her After a speech from the Cursitor Baron, in which he augured “im- mense things” of the shrieval career of Messrs. Mueerrrper and CrossieY, the ceremonies by which the city holds its lands were commenced, and ALpeRMAN SaLomons, who a to be the Civie low comedian proceeded to go through some “ ryghte aaa ” foolery in the fashion described in the following paragraph Ma. ALDERMAN SaLomons, as the senior alderman not having passed the chair, proceeded to the floor of the court, and aad aul at humorous and quaint manner in which he took up the mimic adze and billhook to cut in twain two small bundles of peeled willows, about six inches im length, su to be two bundles of faggots, and so adroitly was it done with the assistance cf grave and solemn usher, who looked upon the ceremony as one big with the fate of a great city, without which a sheriff could not orm his funetion, that not to have seen the pe te ek and counted, was destruction to all his grandeur We cannot help admiring the spirit of satire in which ALDERMAN |SaLomons, converted into a farce” the pompous absur- ‘ screaming dities that used to be performed with the most Soohenthe culmea solemnity. “ ALDERMAN SaLomons then proceeded to go through the ceremony of counting six 28 (which, by the by, are stated to have been used forthe same purpose during the last four centuries) and 61 hobnails, and on the announcement of that number, “The Cursitor Baron declared the number a good number, and that suit and service had been well done.” Thus ended a piece of annual foolery, which takes place yer enough on the great goose festival of England. We cannot help pitying men of sense, such as the Recorder we are sure is, and the Cursitor Baron we hope is, who are compelled to go thro a series of the most egregious fooleries that have survived the modern advance of intellect. We fancy we see in the inflated style of the Recorder a disguised air of satire which is intended to have the effect of a reductio ad absurdum on |a custom the breach and ultimate annihilation of which we are all earnestly looking for. APES OF THE BOUDOTR. A PHRENOLOGIST I we his compliments to Mr. Punch, and that Mr. Punch would pot out to young ladies, but more to old ones, the absurdity of wearing their hair "aP Piantokin indin- criminately, and without reference to the shape of the fo: The Empress OF THE FRENCH is represented as furnished, in the front of the — r story, with large organs of Imitation, and Wit, or Mirthfuiness, her hair is arranged naturally, by = over the former of those organs, and around the fatter. t shows her Wit, and sets off her Imitation, in thus ing ber b but the reverse is the case with ladies who stick out theirs over their Imi which slopes, and twist it round their Wit, whose surface recedes. , by aping he, only show the poverty of their Imitation, and their sad deficiency i in Wanted, at the Foreign Office. IvepraTety, Wanted a few Clerks who can tell what o’clock it 1s ; despatches having arrived at their destination some hours before they were transmitted.—Trustworthy timekeepers during the war, be liberally remunerated. x SCOTCH WRONGS. Tue Ears or Eciuvtoun has recently sent a very liberal ae to the Scotch Hospital, in order that in his present the Scotch Lion may “ become an in-door pate.” considerable langhter by the |

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Wei thee ih } ; i ie ‘4 Pe eo te ae a ah = cn HOW KIND. Cruel little Puth, “On Harnretre pear—Pur on YOUR HAT AND LET US THEE THE STEAMBOAT COME IN. Tue Tuea 1s THO ROUGH !—AND THE PEOPLE WILL BE SO ABTHURDLY TuHIck!!!” THE TYRANT’S DOOM, (By Tums.) fe 1 was a zittun atop of a ga In pace and in quiet my viet to ate, There come a young ooman along the road- zide, “ Now what bist thee arter?” says I, “purty maaid ?” “ Well, if you must know, then, [’1I tell you,” says she, “T be gwyun into town, mun, and that’s what I be.’ “ And what, purty maaiden, bist gwyun there vor ? “Oh! to hear if there ’s any moor news vrom the W ar.” What consarn is the War unto thee, then?” “Oh! never you mind,” she so sharp did reply. “ But I wants for to it satisfaction about The wounded and d if the listes is out.” “Ah! thee bist afeard *bout zome chap o’ thy kin, That either the vieet, or the vorces is m.’ “No, I han’t got no kinsman among ’em at all,” And the drops from her eye did begin for to full. “Then thee’st got a zweetheart,” says I, ‘ ‘I suppose, | B thy tears tricklun down ‘long the zide af fy nose.’ here’s a young man as went for a ’ she said, I wishes I know’d if he’s livin or =" “ Now come, purty maiden,” says I, “leave off cry’n, says 1; There ’s hundreds and thousands in a wus case than thine. There ’s mothers, young ooman, and zisters, and wives : And their zons, brothers, husbands, a lozun their lives.” “Tis frightful to think on; ’tis dreadful,” she said, ° e s mt ai there po be ca - Im PEROR’s a i» “ Well,” sa = ther, ae not much less Than millon of mur rs, to gie a round guess.” | “« What, a million!” cries she, “ what will ever be done With the wretch if he’s cotched—when they h men for one?” “Done?” says I—* why, young ooman, t ey ll let un alone. Ees, as likely as not, let un bide on a’s throne, “ When murder’s committed at that mighty rate, They Jets off the culpurt ’cause why he’s so great ; For tyrants be reckon’d too big for the ’size, Such precious fine fellers they be in folks’ eyes.” “Tliey wun’t sarve un out, then,” says she, “ “ Did,” says I, “ they ’d have to Seeun that can’t be done ; But Ill tell ’ee what I sho “I'd suffer’n no moor ee Christians to live, But a den to un ’mon wild beastes Id give, This feller that’s omad zo much bloodshed to flow, I'd ha’ took round the country in ’OomweE11s’s show. “There his teeth a med grind, and his eyes a med roll, Whilst he wor stirred up wi’ the keeper's pole : Zo 1’d ha’ the brute, carted vrom Fair unto Fair, Wi’ ‘ walk up, good ‘folks, and zee the Gurt Rooshan Bear.’ ’ * for his crimes ?” un a million o’ times ; why they ul let the chap goo, like wi’ un to do. Elastic Shot. A pvervutation from the Peace Society waited, yesterday, on the Duxe or Newcastiz, to request that, in concession to the require- ments of humanity, Indian tubber balls ‘only should be employed in the war against NICHOLAS. AD CAPTANDUM. . Lapy, very fashionably known for her mistakes in English, French, d all , says, “the worst of Lovis Naronzon’s ‘tions to the army is—they are certainly extremely good—but then they | are so very ad claptrapandun.” {

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. — i | aa me res Rat cgairiae oeeN — gee el - ii as ¥ poets : Se tea PETE: ST i RRA lS aaegte son. er 3p SNS a é b 7 OUR RUSSIAN GUESTS. Poor fellows, whom Nicwo.as no more commands, Having laid down your arms, give us also your hands, We forget you were fi in truth you were not, Any more than the stones that were crushed with our shot. You were only a Tyrant’s unfortunate thralls, With your bodies for bricks who built ramparts and walls, Which if we, to hit at him, were forced to strike through, "Twas with sorrow and pain and compassion for you. He piled you, like sandbags, or clods of mere dirt, The blows which we aimed at his power to avert ; He cares not what swarms of his vassals may fall, Whilst yet he has more to oppose to oar ball. Should a score of his serfs stop a shot or a shell, That, your monarch considers, will do pretty well For he thinks his loss less in the slaves that we slay, Than our own im the missiles which we shoot away. Come ; you’re out of the cluteh of your savage old chief, Here’s some bread for you: here are potatoes and beef. And to wash it all down here’s a jug of good beer ; We'll make you all jolly now we ia you here. May our nations soon cease this sad warfare to wage, And your Czar have been caught and confined in a cage, May you then to your country take back all you ve gained, Whilst by war’s happy fortune you here were detained. May you take the ea ey: you have fed, ane - notions ee t — head, That by you i ive . You, yr yw te made prisoners, cA learned to be free. We shall make your captivity easy to bear, And may our own as fare, As many as—bat, their numbers be few ! Are, or Gl 0a, io Eke diesion etth ven. LADIES’ HABITS FOR OCTOBER. Hene is a morsel of fatuous delicacy, nicely adapted to the palate of | imbecile elegance. The description of the fashions for October, in Le Follet, commences with the following scrap of fiddlefaddle : Notwithstanding the onusually long duration of the fine weather with which our fair patrons have been so highly favoured during their stay at the gay chateaux of their aristocratic aequaintances, or at the various fashionable watering places, the chilly mornings and evenings, and the undeniable lengthening of the latter, indicate but too plainly the approach of that periodof the year when in-door amusements must be made to compensate for out-of-door recreation." Le Follet mag be done by a man six feet three inches high, with bulk and brains in proportion. He may have penned the foregoing specimen of queasy miminypiminyism with a fist like a shoulder of mutton, imme- diately after devouring the greater part of a leg, or swallowing some sounds of bacon and cabbage, washed down with a quart or two of Barciat aud Perxrys’s stout. He may be able to knock down an ox, walk a thousand miles in athousand hours, and fight, with the likelihood to thrash, any map of his weight—that being fourteen stone. He may, however, have no other business, whereby to support his huge frame, and satiate his craving maw, than that of writing stuff to flatter the | vanity of the softer portion of the softer sex. Necessity alone—the | necessity of gorging and swilling—may have eompelled him to file a masculine mind down to this. no more of him ; only let the readers whom he addresses beware, if they want to look pretty for any while, how they follow his suggestion with respect to in-door amusement. Every woman, every fashionable woman, even, has a heart, at least considered as the organ of circulation ; and blood vessels, on the healthy lay of which depends the bloom of her face, and which will not play fealthily without out-of-door exercise. She has also muscles and ligaments, which have to brace her up, hold her together, and keep her clean-limbed, but will do nothing of the sort for long unless they are maintained in proper tension by the same means. Let her loll about all day ina close “ muggy’ house, instead of exerting herself for a due time im the fresh air, and she quickly begins to droop and look } unwholesome. Soon her complexion fades*or grows discoloured, her features are puffed or shrunken, her form either wastes or swells, she gets either haggard and lanky, or round and fat ; hee figure tumbles al! of a heap ; her ankles give out, her feet spread and flatten: her elastic | step beeomes a waddle : and her person altogether acquires the style of a cow. Brilliant eyes, on the other band, complexion to match, features | retaining the chise!led outline, a slim and smart figure, neatly turned ankles, finely arched insteps, are the reward of walking or riding out at i pace, and for a —— distance, every — ow, fe these means is preserved for many a year a contour, the cut of which resembles that of the doe or the gazelle. At no period of the year is any healthy young woman, of whatever | station, obliged to ex out-of-door recreation for in-door amuse- ment, except when it hails or rains, or snows, or thunders and lightens, |or blows a Lesvioue Are there not furs? never mind the expense : the war with Russia has not made them dearer than the attendance of | a simperi r. Are there not mouffs, and boas, and all sorts of | wal armour? Young ladies, take the advice of your elders, and |as the old women say, “ Get out! ’—im all tolerable weather. | As to necessary in-door amusement, mind, it also may be made con- |ducive to beauty, by being rendered in some degree intellectual. | Intelligence adds Be Paar J to the lustre of the eyes, which, without it have only the glitter of giass beads, whilst the best and most splendidly coloured face which they can be stuck in that of a waxen dummy in a hair-dresser’s p bey In order, therefore, to attract admiration, ladies of-fashion would do well to intelligence, to some extent, by way of in-door amusement. - | Beauty be called a fading flower; but it is a flower that will | fade very the sooner for being taken in-doors for the winter, like i Pollet must, on reflection, if able to reflect, see j it will admit that a lady is not a allow that the figure is more than “ ou! HERE’S A COUPLE OF JOLLY MUSHROOMS ! ” A STORM IN A KENSINGTON (SLOP) BASIN. Kenstneton, our favourite suburb, has lately been the scene of » series of frightful convulsions, in consequence of an election of what are called “ Improvement Commissioners ;” for improvement is a quality of whieh Kensington is especially susceptible. The election was carri amidst the mingled foam of eloquence and porter; the mouths of the orators and the heads of the pint-pots were equally frothy. Such was the excitement of the hour that the stranger ing casually through the town was dr in to vote, and even children were ed up to the poll, with a reckless disregard to everything. W hen the poll had closed, everybody threatened to break the head of anybody who dared to add the numbers up; and somebody ran off to bury the voting lists in the churchyard till somebody else ran to dig them up again. The chairman’s coat was pulled from his back in a boisterous game of oranges and lemons, into which both parties, some- how or other, happened to fall, until all fell down . One man began to ring the church beils, and another threatened to wring his nose for doing so. A timid adherent of the blues called out “ Police!” Another threw himself into the arms of Pumxxu, the beadle; and a third ran up the ladder of the fire escape, in a panic which only sub- sided when the fireman thrashed him down again. AN ACTRESS IN A RAINY DAY. Tue French papers inform us that the celebrated tragic actress, MapeMoIseLte GrorGes, is, in consideration of her straitened cir- cumstances, to enjoy the privilege of taking charge of the sticks and umbrellas at the Great Paris Exhibition. It seems rather infra dig. on the part of an eminent ¢ragédienne to accept an office so humble, but it is humanely felt by the Government that she who has suffered from the storms of adversity deserves to be sheltered from those storms by as many umbrellas as the public will place in her hands; while the charge of a number of sticks is one that an actress who must have seen a great variety of sticks on the stage will find rather omen’ to her old the habits. Though the office is temporary, it is that it may be made permanent by giving her the custody of brella of Lovts Puruipre, which seems at present useless to the Citizen King’s family. on |

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— 2 a —— — aake " m4 athnes ee Sy Sapeers ee eet Po Sa ee ip gd ia amen hams we n eureenoeg raehekanrie >. —— nee = RE Na ae eae - ™ oe es

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BURSTING OF THE RUSSIAN BUBBLE. | Octoner 14, 1954.] [Poncn, No, 692.

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_

= ae Sonar er wenn antes ath Weegee tome ee semper rhs Ty on a a eae i EAS ay eA a CNIS <i tnt ER nt and

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| As our armies Where the Tatar she A BROADSIDE FROM THE BLACK SEA. lil, THE BATTLE OF THE ALMA. | Bricutty, briskly runs the Alma, cold and green from mountain snow : Pleasant ng its borders, oak and plane and walnut throw, rd shelters with his flock from noontide heat, In a silence only bi by the browsing goat’s faint bleat. | From the huts beneath the hill-sides, Tatar women to the brink Sily come to fill their pitchers, or drive down the cows to drink. All is calm and e and plenty. Over all—a form of awe— Sleeps in light the snow-spread table of the mighty Tschatyr-Dagh. On the northern bank the copses flush with antumn red and gold: On the southern bank the margin shows a cliff-line bare and Fold. You may cross the stream in spring-time, nor be wet above the knee, But when 1am melts the snow-wreaths, who would ford it stout must be. On the twentieth of September—they had march’d from carly morn— d the Alma, they were weary men and worn ; But the heaviest tread — sp ingy, strength was in the weakest hand, As — “ Halt !—Form!” was given—for they knew the Russ at There, along the southern heights, in entrenchments Jay the foe With his batteries in position—seven-score great guns, levell’d low. There was little time to count them ere their roar the silence woke— And the dell has grown a hell—all fire and sulphurous smoke. Now Zouaves and Tirailleurs !—now Rifles and Chasseurs !— Scatter wide, finding shelter where you can; Fire steadily and slow, til. the distant foemen know That every Minié bullet has its man! See, they crouch, well-filled pouch, firm hand and murderous aim : To a puff of smoke: every stone, a jet of flame ; And behind their covering shot, at a steady, swinging trot Downward pours, to the shores, the Allies’ van! Again—again—again—those batteries’ iron rain, And thick, alas! our gallant fellows fall For the river it is deep, and the banks they are steep, | But a lusty British cheer, and And the heights there beyond, are like a wall. i a thundering British charge, and the foremost are already in the flood, Though the great guns ever roar, down upon them from the shore, and the water that was green turns to blood ! Through the shallows, in the deeps, o’er the boulders, up the steeps, British, French and eager for the work, Are floundering and clambering aad rushing with mad leaps— On again—on amain—some are left, though many die— Your powder may be damp, a bayonets are dry : Let it come but to the steel, the Muscovite shall feel | With what men he his prowess hath to try ! | Hark to those ringing cheers! Tis the bold Welsh Fusiliers, Ever foremost where there ’s work to be done :— They ’ve won footing on the bank—they are closing rank on rank, | Scores of dying, but of flying never one! Now, fiery Celtic blood, to our French allies make good The credit of the lineage that you share ! | They have gained the beights’ bald crown '—Now they stagger—now they ’re down !— But, hark, another cheer, and the gallant Guards are near! ' And with glorious tartans streaming, and Highland bagpipes screaming, The Black-Watch to the reseue appear ! At length the crest is won! Stab the gunner at his gun! F’er to take up new the batteries wheel ; On—Britons, Turks and Freneh—o’er redoubt and over trench, Surge on like a wave of flashing steel |— Lo, they waver—lo, they shake—lo, their line begins to break, With the tramp of flying men, flying horses, Earth doth quake. You have fought a desperate fight, Soe have crushed a giant might, And four hours ere the setting of the sun, The triple flags wave high, bullet-rent against the sky, And the Battle of the Alma hath been won! IV. WAITING FOR NEWS. | Haste, haste,—post-haste—across the waste the sleepless Tatar rides ;” | The steamboat ‘s prow the sea doth plough, defying winds and tides ; On iron rails the train-sped mails like fiery meteors dash ; Electric fires, along the wires, their thought-quick tidings flash. __ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 151 But neither Tatar riding, nor steamboat cleaving sea, Nor engine’s race, devouring space, nor lightning fast and free, Can match the speed, wherewith at need, a fear, and love combined, In their strong flight, to the scene of fight, will sweep the unresting Almost we curse the skill perverse, that so far having gone, To conquer space and time efface, halts ere its work is done ; Leaving half-said, what should be read entire, or not at all Till hope’s hot thrill, and fear’s cold ehill, like ague on us fall. In stately homes—in lowly rooms—how many hearts unsleeping! What pampered wealth, and toiling health, alike their vigil oe! Still to one tune, both late and soon, all hearts are set and strung ; In mart and street, where’er men meet, one theme on every tongue ! Se cee nn ee ee Saeed end tare | ing are @ prayer ! Young hearts that looked to lives of love, are sick with bitter fears, Old eyes are dim for thought of him that should have stayed their years. At the Horse-Guards gate, are throngs that wait, till the fateful lists are Hard men—pale women—selfish «ll—all thinking of their own ; While those too proud, with the common c their joys and griefs to blend, Restless, at home, await the doom that hopes or fears shall end. But Gest Gak teste ot home, and those the gates that a, Whate’er their hopes—whate’er their fears—are ish, English still. soul so no soul so sad, but its sorrow ae . Will be and be heightened by the news of vi ; still have something of the stout old Spartan strain , but would sooner learn how that her son was slain, Face to the foe, than he should owe his life to flight or fear ? to spare a hero there, than have a counties Then pray and wait—you at the gate, and you, your homes within, Till the cannon’s roar, from sea to shore, a victorious din. Your country laughs with those who laugh, and mourns with those who mourn ; _And their names that fall, at duty’s call, in England’s heart are borne! INFALLIBLE SPECIFIC. Amone the Foreign Intelligence of a contemporary there lately appeared the statement following :— , “ The Canpimar Vicar ov Rome has just published an edict, in which, after attribut- img the cholera to the sins of the Romana, be directs that the of Sr. Pwrrna, the arm of St. Roc, the heart of Sr. Cuancen, and other relics, be exposed to the aderation of the faithful, in order to avert the wrath of the Almighty.” Mummy was formerly included in the materia medica, and was administered as a remedy for various complaints. In all probability it wrought some eures, by the operation of what is commonly called faith, and which doubtless, in the patients who were eured by mummy, was | the same condition or quality of mind as the faith of the faithful to whose adoration the Canprwat Vicar or Rome has been recommend- ing his dried anatomical poping. His Eminence, however, has | the advantage of the old doctors. Those nasty creatures made their patients actually swallow their mummy; he only requires that his should be looked at, which is an improvement on the system of Da. Wuar'’s-n1s-name, who advertises a cutaneous disease “cured by smelling.” a pots? air rere _——_— i ae

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152 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ” ey | a —) BUSINESS LIKE. _ SS SSS SS, ; WS : * “TI say, CHARLEY, DON’T YOU THINK YOU HAD BETTER GO BACK TO YouR CusTOMER?” Incipient Wine Merchant, “Nor yet. ALWAYS GONE A QUARTER OF AN HOUR For THE | of somebody whose name we are unacquainted with, | very OLD PorT—FURTHER END OF THE CzLLAR! CELLAR's VERY EXTENSIVE! GREAT | that the Czan has committed a crime, and is CARE NECESSARY FOR FEAR OF DISTURBING THE CRUST YOU KNOW—ET C#TERA—Twic!” | the Crimea, j SHORT LEADING CASES. Our legal contemporaries give occasional Reports | |of what they call Short ing Cases ; and as we think the idea a good one, we shall adopt it, with | | our own improvements. We shall add to the short. | ness—if that can be called an addition which is, in fact, a curtailment—and we shall show the direction in which the cases lead, if that can be called a direction which is most uncertain as to the issue. | Appinc New Piza. Defendant owed plaintiff twenty pounds on a dishonoured bill of exchange. Plaintiff seeks pay- | ment, and defendant refuses, on the plea that he has got no money, and this becomes therefore a leading ‘case, for it leads the plaintiff several times to the outer door of defendant’s chambers. Bart 1s Error. In this case judgment had been given against A, when B so far lost his own judgment as to become | | bail for A, and thus found himself in error. The | leading quality of this case consisted in the fact of a leading B in pursuit of A, who had run away | to Calais. JUDGMENT FoR Want oF APPEARANCE. | A was in search of a situation as a footman; but, ’ | being a very little man, he never could obtain a | place, and judgment went against him for want of appearance, y I INSOLVENCY. In this case, plaintiff, a speculative attorney, brought a speculative action inst defendant, who succeeded, but being saddled with the costs of his own defence, which could not be got from the speculative attorney, was obliged to take the benefit of the Act, and the case became a leading case by leading defendant to the Insolvent Court. | j Tue Great Carmiat.—It is the profound remark i WE KNOWS YER FEELINGS. On how shall we comfort our Muscovite Premier— ow shall we solace that man’s gricf ? He is certain to hear, by the very next steamer, __ How soundly we ’ve walloped the Petersburg thief ? If there’s comfort in ¢Ais, let our friend well-intentioned, Be told that the nation’s completely aware That Nicnoxas Senior, and Nick above mentioned, Alone find our victories harder to bear. THE FAITHLESS SHEPHERD. We pity the condition of the lost sheep whose fate is described in the following paragraph :— “Sueer wirsovt a Suxrpnenp.—A curious incident (says the South-Eastern Gazette) took place at High Halden on Sunday week. The Rev. R. Suurs, rector of Halden, and a minor canon of St. Paul's, London, ng absent from his clerical duties Se See ee warden and the churchwarden of the absent rector with common consent gave out the old handredth Psalm, after which the parish churchwarden read a portion ot Scripture, selected from J iah, chap. 23; an anthem followed, sung by an excellent sacred choir. The assembly being not quite t, warden read another portion of Scripture selected from St, John, chap. 3, succeeded by another anthem from the choir; and in conclusion 16 verses were read from the 10th ¢! rof St.John. The churehwardens deemed it expedient Ka and thanksgiving for all past mercies, and likewise an against which is very prevalent in the village and surrounding met ns my However laudable may have been the efforts of the churchwarden and the co ion to get up a service in the absence of the clergyman, there is something rather derogatory to the solemnity and sacredness of publie worship in the piece of pious patchwork described in the | foregoing statement. The rector cannot, of course, be in two places | at once, and if he was pugs Se duties of a minor canon at St. Paul’s in London, he could not be exercising his ministry at High Halden. A manifold writer is no rarity, bat a manifold preacher, or indeed a parson with more folds than one, has a difficult, if not an impossible task to execute. THE SLAVE-TRADE IN BRISTOL. We beg leave to direct the attention of Mrs. Stowe to the following advertisement from a Bristol newspaper :— \ JANTED to purchase immediately, a powerful COB PONY, not less than 13 hands high; must be warranted sound and steady in harness. Algo, YOUNG MAN to groom and drive the same, ard make himself generally useful.— Address in either ease to R. P., Bristol Mercury Office. } [s this a free country? Shall Britons ever, ever (instead of never, never), be Slaves? are the questions that themselves to us on reading the above paragraph. Here in the of is an intimation that “a powerful ob Pony and a Young Man to groom and drive the same” are “wanted to puncHase.” There can be no mistake, for the word “ atso” distinctly connects the Toure Eee with the Cob Pony as an article “ wanted to purchase,” and if the shadow of a doubt could still remain on our mind, the ambiguity is di by the concluding intimation that we are to “ address in eit! if Z. a Mercu pa ol 7 : evident “es + ony may be pure without the Young Man, or may be purchased without the Cob Pony. We cannot write any further on this subject in consequence of our burning indignation having boiled away all the ink in our pen, and set our blood dancing in our veins at such a rate that we can no longer a guide our fingers.

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PUNCH, OR THE

LONDON CHARIVARI.

t) TP ST 7" _ —— SS Hi AUSTRIA AT LENGTH DEFIES RUSSIA. “THOU EVER STRONG UPON THE STRONGER SIDE.”

A NEW WAY OF PLEASING THE PIGS. We hope our readers will be as much amused as we have been by | the following :— NOTICE TO SHIPPERS, SHIPOWNERS, AND CAPTAINS. , - - | jou» BELL, Fiesuer, Union Court, 172, Argyll | © Street, having his attention drawn to the fact, that pigs, when put aboard ships, if they be strangers to one another, quarrel and | fight, and will eat nothing for a few days, has erected at his own | : , four miles out in the ey a large Piggery, at very expense, where a stock of Pigs is kept always on hand, completely domesticated, by which the inconvenience above alluded to is avoided, when transferred to ships. And as live stock is now so essential for Passenger Ships, J. B. bas always on hand at this place, a large Stock of suitable live Sheep and Poultry, also Vegetables, Fruit, and Potatoes. We have not been sufficiently versed in the philosophy of Bacoy, to have observed the of pigs to fight on board ship, unless they have been previously acquainted with each other by a formal introduction. We certainly were not aware that a scrupulous regard to etiquette was prevalent among the porcine tribe, and that they stood | on very mice points of ceremony, as we should call humbug in human and gammon in the pig or other inferior animal. We are now for the first time made acquainted with the fact that the very extreme of fastidious etiquette may be called “going the whole hog,” and we — perhaps to admire the individual who keeps an establish- nt for the purpose of introducing all sorts of boorish brutes into | polite piggish society. i large ‘piggery” is, it seems, kept up at a great ~< for ineulcating the brens¢ances of porcine life, and we ought to be very much, obliged to the gentleman who undertakes the | part of Hoce’s Lastructor. | diving for canses, will discover in _ picking aud stealing dablias and other flowers. THE “SPECIAL” EMPEROR. Wuat more natural than the introduction of the new police (a 1’ Anglaise) im Paris? Was not the Emperor himself a model “special?” Did not Louis Naporzoy, on a certain day in April, turn out in defence of order, and collaterally, it may be, in defence of his own portmanteau in the two-pair back of a modest habitation in the parish of St. James’s? After this, it is true he turned out, or caused others to turn out, in “ defence of order,” on a certain day of December . and the turn-out being very successful, why the Empire is the tremendous result. Nevertheless, the future phil orian, profoundly i Louis Naro.eoy’s instinctive love of order, as shown in April in the streets of London—the exile then keeping watch and ward as a sworn special—the forsworn love of order as triumphant in the streets of Paris, The Emperor, in lieu of a constable’s now flourishes an imperial ; nevertheless, we understand —- in memory of that constal r event, Lovts NAPOLEON'S will be enshrined at the Paris Po Station the Sy a Yard in ay og for the Lge Sy - encouragement 0 all the force. the weapon run ee ‘qurage ! i-elsemeaveantl abate is now an immacu te Emperor? Plower-Pickers in the Crystal Palace. Two women have been detected in the gaunt of the Crystal Palos t is ’ as @ serious warning to their sisterhood in general, the offenders, for having plucked the living flowers, will be sentenced to wear their bonuets for fourteen years with no flowers at all!

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she edn rooney masa v4 Signe ev 2 aly memes 7 & P5 z ' x . | | deep note of morals and of truth roaring from the chest of the Red 154 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON: CHARIVARI. r . . . . : present persecution; it was hatched in the bosom of the HOW TO TEST A NATION’S PROSPERITY. | Catholic ‘Church, Let his enemies prevail, and he knew that in a Traverser says, “I can| *eek—(he would not mention the name of Campinat Nicemax)—in always judge of the pros. | %,little week a pair of searlet stockings would sit cross-legged under perity of a by the | the editorial desk of the outraged and betrayed ee : os dition ties Tame en After a very stormy debate, the ~and- tle’s motion was the Boulevards at Paris carried by 176 to 149; and five minutes after the Editor followed the If the Trees are tall. noble. | ™0tion in a sedan-chair. He, however, retires—and we are happy to and towetite, 1 know well chronicle the fact—full of honours. Already the London Tavern, the enough that ‘the kingdom Freemasons’, Dotty’s Chop-House, &c., have voted him the freedom of map Saleatnn seme their establishments. Jox’s has sent him the Order of the seit taken ‘onane a and the Cheshire Cheese the Decoration of the Welsh Rabbit. . = disturbed dienes ' _ We cannot, however, dismiss this case without imploring the though == bat if, on the comtrary, the ful reader to mark the great moral and commercial anne that, to Teese ase ‘poor pe Ne om the public at large, must result from it. Of course, as the itlers are , short, end stunted, lacking |"? resolute, so earnest in their determination to have nothing but as if ‘they hed bexe elihee purity, health, and strength in their newspaper, they will come to the poe amet planted yenten- ke resolution with respect to the commodities of the bar. When an deg, 1 know to 8 cartelnty editor is cashiered for indulging in such low syllables as “ nincompoop,”” that the country is only | 2? Cemser witler can think of ing in us Indicus, Since we are : airy J8 only 'to have all yoty the Taptub, of course we shall have the like just recovering from a J Pr , secent revelation, Gf sayy | SoOeeete excellence in the glittering pewter ! labouring under some great civil convulsion.” He calls ~ Ran on we ord A VIOLENT AGI-TATAR. ulevards, “The leafy} .. : : . eeeched - Maen | We. cannot sufficiently express our disgust at the Tatar who has : ____| hoaxed half Europe by prematurel the fall of Sebastopol. so ae =| Such a Tatar or Tatur onght to be ian i mashed, and severely THE GREAT TAPTUB CASE! |roasted. At the risk of being considered “ = must say to | all who make a mouth-piece of a mere Tatar or A very solemn inguiry has been entered upon, pursued, and carried | false news, “Come, come, let’s have none of this sort of thing again, out by the Black Bull, the White Horse, the Pig-and-Whistle, the Red | 8° Just shut your Tatur trap. Lion, and other distinguished, well-known conservators and comforters | of public morals, public benefactors, and publicans in general; an inquiry having for its solemn object the discovery of a gifted creature, | who, * nature and accomplishment, shall best glorify the Morning Taptub, making it another morning sun to the gladdened and uplifted eyes and hearts of the human race in general, and of Britons in par-| ticular. Very exalting, very gratifying were the speeches made on the occasion ; especially the utterances that were made most musical, most melancholy by their ring of morality and truth. A vain, coarse, un- ; thinking generation has little thought of the greatness and purity of| —g4 purpose animating a Black Bull; has no suspicion whatever of the| Ag Lion. The Three Jolly Pigeons are doves of tenderness, and the Cock += and Bottle, a Cock that turns up a jewel with every scratch ! The Pig-and-Whistle begged to put tne editor of the Morning Tap- ‘ub on his trial. It was plain that the 7aptub demanded the nursing " care of an editor who would join the wisdom of a Minerva with the; __ thunderbolts of Jove; a man whose leaders should be pinks of Pang ma tility, fragrant and with the dew upon them—fresh from the gardens of | = rhetoric, so famous for its flowers. Now, how stood the case? The| editor was not Mryerva; he hadn’t even the little finger of Jurrrer ; and for flowers of rhetoric, what was to be thought of a benighted | individual, who, in this age of light and good manners, should 80 degrade the Taptud as to call a rival editor a “ nincompoop? ” (Cheers and sensation.) The Pig-and-Whistle had thought such a word banished from eyery self-respecting tap-room ; nevertheless there it had been found dimming and defiling the a ape) and purity of the Morning Taptub! Again, had not the slumbers of Prince Atsert been dis-| turbed by the goose-quill of the editor; a ge that had been} —__ nome to a Pix xd . — of ~ ge —, Again, am 7 1ad not the editor declared the Protestant Church in danger from the | > 7 " appearance of the many medieval mugs unrestrictedly exhibited in the | THE ABUNDANT HARVEST. crockery shops of Regent Street and the West End? Moreover, the! Tue thanksgiving for the abundant harvest was solemnised, with editor in his sympathy with the Anti-Sabbath-Bung-Bill, had advocated | peculiar fitness, in the parish church of Alum-cum-Potato. There, a the extension of the measure, so that on Sundays no day-light might be | miller and a baker (they were picked out by lot) were compelled to served between the hours of two and six ; and on no pretence whatever stand in the middle aisle during the service, in a white sheet. : , > pre dressed in a 4 | should moon or stars shine or twinkle after ten. Viewing these things | in penitence for the high price of bread, seeing that wheat had been so | being with eS alarm, the Pig-and-Whistle moved that the editor of the | abundant; and further, each of them a Morning Taptub should be invited to retire into that privacy of life that “ Crown’d with rank fumiter and farrow-weeds, his virtues, his morals, and his genius were so well calculated to adorn. | With harlocks, hemlock, nettles, cuckoo-flowers, The Bear-and-Ragged-Staff, in a neat growl, seconded the motion. | Darnel, and all the idle weeds that grow | Mr. Eprror rose for his defence. He had travelled much for the | Sot Giang Gee Taptub, and not for his own health, hisown pleasure. He had visited} _A good significanee in these crowns; showing that if benevolent | salt mines (salt sometimes being used in beer); he had sought the site | plenty sends us a heavy harvest, there is still the miller and the baker, | of the Garden of Eden with a view to grains of Paradise. He had not | the “weeds” that grow upon the price of our sustaining bread ! refused to tread the burning plains of Hindostan with a view to cocculus ewe indicus! With respect to the use of the word “nincompoop” he | i must say, he thought it a good, bold, sinewy word that, properly ap-| Marine Priviteces.—The Admiralty have graciously made it | eee would knock down an elephant, or even break the back of a| known to the Marines that, for the sake of uniformity, they may, in rime Minister! As for Patrce Atnert he entertained the highest |common with the military, wear moustaches ! After this liberal con- | respect for that gifted individual, and believed that the feeling was cession, it is expected that the two forces will act with such unanimity | reciprocated with increased intensity. But he knew the object of the | that there will not be a hair’s difference between them.

Page 159

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. No. 4.—Secret Report made to the Price by an Employé | SELECTIONS FROM PRINCE MENSCHIKOFF’S 20 | CARRIAGE. “In regard to the Colonels your Excellency has named | we Doce or Newcastiz | me, 1 am able to report, with one exception. B. is ~ presents his compliments to | merely the creature of T.. who has lent him money for P Mr. Punch, and mm order to | fambling purposes. T. is discontent about the last promo- avoid the difficulties which | "0", and has had a Serre with a Jew, pro- | ae tem the present | fessedly a usurer, but probably a spy. V. I have followed system of distributing offi-| home several times ; he resists my advances (in itself suspi- cial information among the | “0Us); but I have bribed his servant, and obtained some daily journals, the Hake of his letters. I do not think that I have as yet discovered begs io say that all in- | much but he koope 8 pases which shall get on of. : 1) 3, | &. is at your mercy ; riated regimental money. teresting documents will in y : ls th might sdvise, it would I can get at the os , "yy = ré be that pe E. should, without exposing him, make him $43 : aware of your know and then depute him to bring condition, (in which the | ro information a6 t@ tee private habits of F. and P.. to Punck’s acquiescence,) that Whom I cannot procure secess, He may wince, but it is all the journals shall be at ‘better than ruin. The L. is also at your disposal ; | liberty to copy ‘such docu-|0¢ has sold all the bark the medicine chest of the ments from Ar. Punch’s| Tegument, and has certified, twice, that he has an ample | pages. |store. I think the Jew, M., sent it to Constantinople for In conformity with this understanding, the Duke | %¢ found empty. The exception I alluded to, is young P., ; : who had formed a suspicion that 1 was on a scent, and the yy — | who called me a dishonourable ruffian and a spy, and kicked in the captured carriage | ™¢ down stairs. But he has a love affair, through which of the Prince Mens.|_ Shall be able to sound his views, He is a good and curxorr. The letters were *miable young man. This is all at present. May } humbly originally sent to Paris for | remind your E. that my promotion will be most acceptable ! ae ~.. translation into French, and | a Clerk in the Foreign Office, whose grammar has been remarked, upon several occasions, to be very tolerable. Official discretion has, of course, been used in| withholding passages which it seemed undesirable to publish. Paince Mensonikorr. “T have received your instructions, but it would be | useless and dangerous to pt to carrythem out. | fear No. 1—A Young Lady of Sebastopol (family name unknown) to Paice that you deceive yourself, and judge our aristocracy by MenscniKorr. our own. Your offer is munificent, but I should hardly “My Dearest Prrvcr, ve made him understand what you wanted him to find “ How amiable of you to propose to me and Marie so charming a pleasure | 9 for you before I should be through the window. | | as that your delightful S://e? expresses. How truly good of you to reserve for us| . t two front places upon the scaffold raised to enable the ladies of Sebastopol to, first floor, and over a deep area with spikes. His being behold you defeat these wretched French and English. Accept, my dear Prince? P0OT, #8 you say you have heard he is (it is true), makes Decidedly I accept, with smiles of happiness, for my cousin and myself, and we | 9° ifference. ides, if you hada coPY of the imstrue- | promise to do your invitation credit by our good looks and toilettes, We have| tions, it would be too late now. I thank you much for | already hastened to pame Cramrouine (who assures us that though her| the £100—never was it more needed— and | would gladly husband’s name is French, her heart is Russian and your own—there, Prince, and | © more, but it is émpossible, she is only 36), and have seeured—but no. You shall see the effect, not hear of it. We only hope that the horrid barbarians will not disappoint us, as you | seem to think possible, and that they wi// come to the attack. Savages as they are, Py a if they knew how many ladies depended on their boldness for a day’s pleasure, they | would certainly venture down to the Alma. However, we know you wil! do your | ly in th f the f bi: best for us, and we are deeply thankful. Our carriage shall be on the field by "7 /” the event of the future resembting it. half-past ten, or a quarter to eleven at latest. If you cannot come to put us into | our places, perhaps you will send an aide de camp; perhaps, ce cher petit Pauw Hatrenor?. But we leave all to you. No. 6.—From the Eurrron Nicnonas fo Prixce Menscuikorr. | weeks against any force that can be brought against you. % , » | Bor your own sake, as well as mine, | am willing to Toute a tot, Eiors®.” | believe that this time you have not miscalculated RINCE, ; ’ “T will not recur to the past. I will remember it | sale; but at amy rate the chest, if suddenly opened, will | | have been re-translated by| No, 5—From @ Resident in London (name withheld) to’ would even risk this for you, but his office is on the | } You inform me that you ean hold the Alma for three | ‘ | “J, too, have an almanac before me. This is the 10th of | No. 2.—Count Onentuatier, S/. Petersburg, to Prince Menscarnorr. September [the 22nd N. 8.). The enemy landed a week | “ My Dear Patnce, }ago. He can hardly have attacked you before this time, “T have, as you desired, hinted at your proposal, in the probable event but I give yon the Sth or 9h (20th or 2ist) for the of your capturing the English and French generals, to knout them to death before | Picasure of receiving bim. Allowing a week for the | the army, as a moral lesson to Europe. He will not hear of it. They are to be | ‘fansmission of news, | shall hear of his first repulse on | instantly forwarded to the capital, in irons. I do not advise you to neglect his|the 15th or 16th (27th or 28th), and 1 have ordered wishes. ilhaminations for one of those nights. (The writer of this letter is known from the Prinee having endorsed it. “ From | ber, you will me a despatch apprising me that the OsestTmatter, What I am to do with Ractay,” &c.) lenemy is still at bay on the Alma, or you will yourself set | out from wherever you may be (resigning the command to No. 3.—Tnz Mrxtster fo Parwexn Menserrxerr, ‘your second in rank , to explain to me m person how you “My Dear Paixce,? | have dared that it ld be ot herwise “On no account must you make another mistake. I am not in the habit say that no probability, however pnt ul, must be considered as too remote a conse- | “ Your affectionate Father, N.”’ quence of your deceiving Neva [the Emperor] again. In your despateh to him you | - say that you can hold the A for three weeks. From what dropped from Neva, on | No. 7.—Intereepted Letter from a Sailor belonging to the ‘A, reading it, I advise you to hold it for six. For things are looking blacker and | ———— but om shore at the Old , to his wate in the Yard Regiment. blacker. We mast have a vietory in the course of the next fortnight. Verbum sap. her, a pri Dasht I to add that Neve has been speaking well of PowDERFLASK [Privce;) « Tins, new Stanes ;aeeweted) May , an ts that if he had been in the C. no landing would | sao oz entelad 2 Hare right these loins to be tide “One word more. We have been friends. If you ere deceiving him, send me— om hgh A pan! por lagg ty hod Ton Ley ot before the explosion—powers to get your property over the frontier. Now you| Her or Another hoping he will Pass this here Loins to understand, “ Yours, in anxiety, Nesseunopz.” | you wieh is hooray you Beauty i heerd the Cappum say VOL, XXVIL R “Yours sineerely,O.” | « On the last of the third week from the 9th Septem- | J . | “ With this understanding I fervently implore the blessing | of using strong expressions, and therefore | trust te you to understand me when [ | Of all our holy saints upon you, and | kiss you. 5 A AS OES 2 De ea OS BE AGAR TATA RT =e

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i a - : 2) } one er en | i i RIM SOUR ls 156 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, as in 3 days time yon be into Them lubberly thiefs and menshykof good Belyfull of the same wishing i was in your Luck you being None and begging at his house: but the only service which the majority of | ladies can render their husbands, otherwise than with the needle, is one | “ Afect'. brother Jim. to be the wurse no More at present From your The animal to which this missive was attached Yr to have fallen into the hands of the Russians. The original has been trans- mitted to Parvare Wititiam Guitts, whose delight at the receipt was immense. | JOY OF THE MACKENZIE, OF MACKENZIF FARM, AT SIGHT OF THE HiGULAN DERS, A COLLEGE OF REAL COOKERY. (To the Shade of Copsett.) SHapbeE, { nore that you fine fellows who have left us look down upon us sometimes as you are hovering about, and therefore that your eye may meet these lines. Perhaps you know what I am about to tell you ; but if it be no news to yoa, it may still not have come yet to the knowledge of some people below here, who will see this letter. Well then, to make no further palaver about the business in hand, [ have to tell you that there is, really and truly, a CoLttece or Domestic Economy, established at 54, Devonshire Street, Portland Place, for the Instruction or Lapres, as well as of Female Servants, in Hovst- HOLD Matrers. Long ago | said there ought to be such an Institu- tion. However, you had previously preached the true doctrine (unlike some Parsons whom we know) that education ought principally to consist in teaching those things which the learner’s future Bustvess requires that he or she should know. That is my main reason for writing to you now, to tell you about this College, at which ladies are taught, not Latin and Greek, not ‘Geography, Astronomy, and the Use of the Globes,’ not to hammer away at the piano; no: but the Cooxrine or Victuats, of all sorts, and the Baxine or Brean, how to make Pastry, Pies, and Tarts, and the sort of Glodes called PuppINGs. That’s zammut like, bean’t it? as we say in Hampshire. Observe, this Cookery Cotieces is both for /adies and servants, by which latter are meant hired servants; for what do ladies expect to be, I should like to know, but sexvants? All ladies, except a few wretched beings meant by nature for old maids, intend to get married ; and of course every wife is, or ought to be, the sexvant of her husband. Does she not swear to odey him, in the Form or SoLtemyization or Marrt- mony (composed by Tom Cranmer) ?—in return for whick oath, on his es he swears that he will cherish her, and so forth. Of course, there- ore, his servant she will be, unless she have sworn TOA Liz. Nowa duchess may serve her husband by sitting in a drawing-room and talking economy will be taught.” mencement, it being the most required.” servant-student to attend on them and assist them in their o good wishes, and to the patronage of all whom it may concern; that is, almost everybody who has, or expects to have a family. venience of ladies who merely want to pi delivered on stewing, ae raising, Tes ns also alone may be had; ito T ] French, and Italian, and German, in his absence, to the various foreign | ruffians wereby i hope you will Give it them as Hot as scaldins and a counts and other aliens who come calling, bowing, scraping, intriguing, | | e performed in the KITCHEN. Well but, however, this Cottece or Domestic Economy is no Gammon. It is no sham-ABRAHAM concern, got up for the sake of | enabling fellows in black clothes, and white neckcloths, and green spec- | tacles, to prate about the “ mission of woman.” It is a genuine under- taking. fe are told by its prospectus that— “ Everything necessary to the acquirement of a perfect knowledge of domestic And the truly sensible remark is added, that “The Culinary Art will be the leading feature of the education given at the com- It also says that “ The students for practice will be divided into classes of foar or five each, with a erations.” And it adds this most important proviso, “ The articles prepared to be consumed at the meals.” I think I have now said enough to recommend this College to your For the con- up hints, lectures are so on ; admission to which 80 are given at so much a lesson, I am, Respected Shade, your admirer, PUNCH. Punch Office, 85, Fleet Street, October, 1854. —_—_]_————_—_—[—[———[]"aB]a_aI_ JOHN BULL’S SHARE OF THE BATTLE. I can’t draw the sword, and a helping hand afford, The Emperor or Russia with my own fist to lick ; But I can draw my purse, that the doctor and the nurse _ May do all that can be done for the wounded and the sick. To hear my money chink, it pains me when I think, Of KaGian’s gallant army in a state of distress For bandages and lint, without strapping or a splint, And the maimed in want of surgeons their injuries to dre:s. My name isn’t Joun if they want diachylon, Or proper hands the plaster and salve to apply, And to bind up their gashes and close their cuts and slashes, ' And to set their broken bones and their bleeding vessels tie. | | When I’ve got the gout how it makes me holloa out, And medical attendance to imovlore and beg! What a bullaballoo, what a terrible to-do I should make, if I had no one to dress my shattered leg ! Among Russian foes every shell our ordnance throws, Is as many pounds in money as in weight flung away, And [’ll shell out my brads too, among our noble lads, Dressings, doctors, and assistants to send without delay. A PLAGUE FOR THE CZAR, Wuat will Nicnotas ever do with our Russian prisoners, when we return them on his hands? Undeceived, instru enlightened, will they be suffered by the despot to intermingle with the rest of their countrymen? But the old tyrant will find it no easy matter to prevent them trom propagating the infection of liberalism and civilisation among his now barbarous and enslaved subjects. No quarantine will purify them from the taint of that distemper, contracted in this island of freedom. The Knout itself will not flog this poison out of them. Poor Czar! What will he do with these dangerous fellows? Make a clean sweep of them with grape and méfrasille, sink them all in the Baltic, or only send them to Siberia? This is a question for them to | consider before they trust themselves back again into the hands of | their Autocrat. A Policy that Kills. It seems that Prussia exercises great influence over the Bund; but, if the latter listens to Prussia’s hesitating voice much longer, we are sorely afraid that in a short time the German Bund will be very little better than a Mori-Bunp. Tue Treatae op Wan.—Prussia is waiting until Half-price begins.”

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PUNCH, OR TH We see by the papers, that after the glorious Battle of the Alma, English sailors were to be seen in all directions appropriating to them- selves the boots of the defunct Russians, Jack first ascertaining whether the boot was likely to fit by trying the flat of his foot against the sole of the dead soldier's. We think we could name “a party” who would like a little plunder of the same sort from a “ certain Emrgrorn” the same circumstances. To use an Lrishism, we already “know the length of his fut.” THE “GREAT TRAGEDIAN” AND THE CITIZENS OF LONDON. Tue Citizens of London have been suddenly seized with a strong desire to witness what they call the “masterly impersonations” of Mr. G. V. Baooxe; but “owing to the distance ”—Drury Lane being about half a mile from Temple Bar—“ thousands” are de-barred the gratification of their wishes. Under these painful circumstances the | citizens finding personal locomotion impossible, and forgetting that | omnibuses are running perpetually, while cabs are reduced to sixpence | a mile, there is nothing to be done but to get up a requisition; and as | | the city can’t go to the great trdyedian, the great tragedian must be induced to go to the city. The individuals through whom this important result was to be achieved were no other than Messus. Jounson and Nexson Lez, formerly the spirited proprietors of Ricuarpson’s Show, and now the no less spirited managers of the City of London Theatre. These gen- tlemen put themselves in communication with “several influential patrons” who rapidly took the shape of a Committee, and a “ requisi- tion” was drawn up for —— by the “ Merchants, Bankers, and Tradesmen of the City of London.” Names were rapidly appended, and a long list has been advertised. The list opens very spiritedly with a Churchwarden, followed by an Overseer and a Vestry Clerk, after whom there is a slight drop down of dignity to a “past Churchwarden,” supported 7! by a “ ditto.” After this blaze of parochial power, we begin to loo among | the “ Merchants” in the hope of meeting with one or more of the | name, but for the address | invention.” The Barines, but we are compe to be satisfied with Neous, whose | _ “yf — look like et oe great ing firms do not figure very in the requisition, but the house of Roruscaitp is a Me — | by “E. Cuizen ;” and though the Lory Mayor has not signed, there is a string of Foresters who come forward to vindicate the dramatic taste of the Mansion House. The Foresters in question are, we presume, the famous thief-takers, whom we are giad to find capable of nobler pursuits than those to which they professionally devote them- | selves, and who, by running after Virginius or Macbeth, show that they are not always running after the very worst characters. It is true | that we miss the names of most of the great City houses, but we | | dare say the defect will be cured by Mr. Brooke being able to draw great houses to the City. Some of the addresses appended to the signatures are anything but civic in their sound, we cannot remember having met with Clapton Rise, Symond’s Inn, or Botheralguerus—the residence of one Matugew —as standing within the precincts of cockneydom. As a directory of the “ principal bankers, merchants and tradesmen” of the City of London, we think the list would be found somewhat incomplete, but we have no doubt the names, as far as they go, are bond fide enough, and it is at all events a good sign to see a taste for the drama pro- gressing amidst any class of the community. PUNCH AND PIO NONO. Somesopy, in a letter to the 7imes, avers that “ One of the Inquisitors told me himself, in his own office, In the Sant Uffizio (the palace of the Inquisition), that the Pore was a figure of Punch (un Polichinelle), of which the kings of Europe can pull the strings as they please.” This acknow ent of what Yankees would call the “ indebted- ness” of the “ Holy See,” to Mr. Punch was very handsome on the part of our friend the Inquisitor. The various likenesses of the Porx, which Mr. Punch has from time to time published, have evident] been the making of his Hoxtiwess. He is a figure of Punch; ar Mr. Punch is the proper person to pull his strings. ‘The susepee sovereigns should not do that. They only occasion troubles by working the Roman Pontiff, but when Punch is vis showman, his performances throw Europe into merely harmless convulsions. April Fool Day in October. Tue canard which announced the fall of Sebastopol rather too soon has been in some quarters as aruse devised by Nicnoxas. But considering the effect it was calculated to produce on the money market, we conclude that it was invented to serve the purpose of a Bull rather than a Bear speculation. A Sraict Vecrrartan.—He won't take a Pill, uniess he is firmly convinced it is a Vegetable one. ee eT i ose

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= “ene seeasrrentitee § rose tre PT ey dale A “NI mr prea ee oka Tee {eo ae fry mY Tie oa my SNA ct ener, Soe . alll 158 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE MAN WITH THE MILD EYES. GesTLemMeN who ad- mire the EMPEROR OF Russia’s eyes, and call him “a fine fellow,” are requested to read the following Times—the statement of an actual witness. The narrator is speak- ing of the earthwork carried by Sia Conan Camppe.t and the Highlanders :— declare that in no battle heretofore fought have so many dead been heaped up in one spot. It would be impossible to describe to you the frightful scene square mile comprising this earthwork, the slope bemeath it, and the slope med enormous squares of the Kussian infantry. The greater part of the English killed and wounded were here, and there were at least five Russians to every Englishman. You could not walk for the bodies. The most frightful muti- lations the buman body can suffer—the groans of the wounded, the packs, helmets, arms, clothes, scattered over the ground, all formed a scene that ene can vever forget.” This will do for these pages. There is more of the same kind where | that came from: and worse. Fancy the eyes of Nicnotas—those eyes, which Lieutenant Royer tells us are “ expressive of mildness ” —beholding the scene of slaughter on the Heights of Alma, lambent, | in gazing thereon, with a mildness getting gradually ecstatic; rap-| turous: till they glow with an expression absolutely seraphical : and | the countenance, and ultimately the whole figure, of the Nux-wuirrer, | boots and all, are transformed—for we know that the thing is possible —into the image of an Angel of Light. Poor Ligutenant Royer!—but let us be considerate in what we | say of an oflicer who was under fire in the Ziger. That fire, doubtless, | astonished the Lieutenant much than the gentle radiance that streamed from the eyes of the Empgron or Russia. Jack Rover— Jack—we take leave thus to abbreviate ALFreD—no doubt expected that he was going to see, in the Russian monster, the likeness of Davy Jones. Scales of a blue or green colour, a tail with a sting at the end of it, grinning fangs, cloven feet, and eyes glowing with sulphurous and red flames instead of being “expressive of mildness,” were per- haps the elements which the unsophisticated seaman supposed he should find united in the person of the Czar: and such, indeed, might be a correet portrait of the Russian Gentleman as he would appear in a state of things wherein the external is conformed to the interior. Lieutenant Royer may also have made his mind up that the Autocrat would order him to be knouted to death, or at the very least send him in chains to Siberia. He never read the stories about Ogres who could be wonderfully civil to gentlemen in their castles and in their power—when it suited their pur Doubtless, those Ogres subdued the hungry glare wherewith they were disposed to regard the | strangers to an expression of great mildness. No wonder Nicuotas| was “much amused” at his captive’s exhibition of “surprise and embarrassment” when he set him at liberty: as much, doubtless, as | old Rormscnitp used to be at the astonishment of the beggar to) whom he would occasionally throw a guinea, for fun. To give Nicwoxas his due (according to the adage) he is a fine actor. An actor on the stage of real life and a hypocrite, are the same thing. Having a foul name to cleanse in the eyes of the British Public, what dodge would it be more natural for him to try than that of doing the, magnanimous to the English prisoner? Gustavus Vasa Brooxe would have produced the same impression on Lizureyant Royer, if | he had been playing the Czar in Romanorr’s boots, and if Gustavus! Vasa can perform as well as Nicno.as. Sinope, Oltenitza, Citate, Bomarsund, the Heights of Alma; | Wi ties | haps, ere this, Sebastopol given these scenes only of carnage: how strikes me as perf large a mound of corpses: what heaps of lost limbs: how numerous a | variety of lacerations, and attendant agonies: what amount, in tuns, extract from the} “The oldest generals! whieh 1 witnessed in the | euphonious name, or whether as the memorial of a lof bloodshed : how many wretches starved, ruined, burnt out of house and home? Here isa sum for Europe and civilised mankind to do. And the answer will be a figure to be put down to the account of the man of mild eyes: simply because he cast those eyes of mild desire on his neighbour's dominions. ; Bereaved families ; surviving sufferers ; spirits of the slain, send in your bills. Governments of Europe—What is the Man with the mild eyes to pay 7 OUR MEAN METROPOLIS. Paris making such a movement in her buildings and her streets, How is it that all improvement here with oye meets ? Hear the Corporation clamour ; hear the Parish Vestries’ row : How they bark and how they hammer, Centralisation, bow wow wow! Centralisation ! Centralisation ! Jentralisation ! bow wow wow! Paramount some power is wanted, noble schemes to carry out, Not to be withstood or daunted ; nothing eam be done without : Which, when Vested Interests muster, can their sordid spirits cow, And put down their worships’ bluster, and their bark of bow wow wow! Centralisation ! Centralisation ! Centralisation! bow wow wow! When the Seine is as the Derwent limpid, if not yet more pure, Of the Thames why does the current run with liquid (fab !) manure ? Oh! no proper drainage measure will the sti snobs allow, Whilst they bark in gruff displeasure, Centralisation, bow wow wow ! Centralisation ! Centralisation! Centralisation! bow wow wow! Wherefore do those clouds appalling still the sky above us cloak, And the blacks continue falling ; when we mi he consume our smoke ? We forbidden are to do it, though we very wall base how, By that cry—confusion to it! Centralization! bow wow wow! Centralisation! Centralisation ! Centralisation! bow wow wow! In the name of all that’s gracious, let our streets be wider made, Why should not they be as spacious as is meet for health and trade ? Narrow ways to views are owing, narrower still, which they avow, Barking, grunting, puffing, blowing, Centralisation! bow wow wow! Centralisation ! Centralisation ! Centralisation! bow wow wow! DISRAELI IN A BEER-BARREL. Ma. Disrazit being at Plymouth, certain licensed victuallers addressed him on their wrongs. They wanted protection. They did not ask the hon. | a on ro to employ his genius for the protection of beer from thunderbolts; but against further legislation. An un- hallowed attempt was about to be made that should destroy that vested right—the right of licensing. The beer trade was to be thrown open to the unprincipled sons of Free Tradé. There was to be no ~~ a monopoly of cocculus Indicus ; and grains of Paradise were to be freely used by the lowest capacity. In this dilemma, and Ma. Disraeti being at Plymouth for the benefit of the sea-breezes—in this dilemma, to whom could the witlers appeal but to the member for Bucks? The right hon. member gave courteous ear to the complaint of and would do his best for them. What a change! “May we trace the noble brain of Bensamuy, until we find it stopping a beer- barrel!” We would advise the author of the Great Taptubopolis to enter Parliament, and boldly intercept the wreath of hops in its way to the brow of DisRae.i. TO MOTHERS OF NEW SHE-BABIES. My Dears,—You often write to me, privately, asking me to suggest pretty names for your daughters, ioe are always delighted (if you are sensible women) with my recommen ‘ Now—who wants a sweet pretty name for the finest lady baby ever produced? Do not all speak at once. Well then— ALMA. What do you say to that? For whether as a paipuaes and victory, or for its own private Latin signification—gestle—the name Let me hear your opinions. Your affectionate Friend, Crimea, Tuesday. PUNCH.

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Ocroper 21, 1854.)

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI LIEUTENANT MAXSE’S RIDE. DEFEND YOUR MAYOR. Arter Alma’s glorious battle, Ratan, at changed his plan, | Ma. Ponca, in token of the affectionate and devoted leyalty which Said, “I wish Duypas could know it.” “ Well,” said Mase, “then he feels towards the new King of the City, and being desirous to protect I’m your man.” his civic sovereign from a mass of wit, which there is too much reason ‘ Would,” said Ractax, “he could bring his fleet to Balaklava Bay.” |to believe would otherwise be launched against his Majesty, doth Maxsz said, “T’ll ride back, then, to he, and inform him what you hereby order as follows : ad That no person do, for the space of one year from Lotd Mayor’s “ But,” said Ractan, “ my good fellow, round us hover the Cossacks, Day next ensuing, presume to make any jokes whatever founded upon Thousands of those rascals seour the country.’ “They be dashed!” the fact that his lordship’s name is spelt with the same letters as said Maxsz. that of the luminary which is appointed to attend upon this earth. “ But, in ease the thieves should caich me, write not what you have And with the view of better preventing much dreary jocularity, the to following, and all kindred witticisms, though included in the above order, I by word of mouth will bear it.” Ractaw answered, “ Very well.” —_ are specially forbidden. | Maxsz forthwith upon his pony leapt, and galloped right, away ee py ape Whilst the brave spectators cheered him, shouting “ Hip, hip, hip, a Lorp M a hith oink. om ee loedship ak On onan s track returning, through the tangled wood he sped | reply, 2S + ot a, 77 7 al , ont count Dashing mid the stiffest thickets, which he butted with his head, leunsliet fo to helt WN Resount of guah ateemuien, “hs Moon's on ‘the Lake.” — | Ifthe Lonp Mavom makes a remark, no one is to call it a Lunar Observation. co If the Lonp Matom knocks an down (and it is to be hoped that im the case of i these orders, his lordship will do so coe peeapely, or by ie deputy), such person is not to be called |__ If one of the Benmeenit omnibuses comes between the Lorp | Mazon and o apostate, latter is not to talk of the Moon behind la | If the Lory Maror invites Cuanies Keay, Ma. James _Awpersoy, Ma. Gustavus Baooxz, Barry Songs ax, Ma, N.T. _Hicxs, Ma. Wewrworta Burigs, and Ma. Jaues . Watsack to dinner, no theatrical journal (even if his lordship suryive the | occasion) is to quete anything about “ The Moon and the Seven Stars.” |_ If the Lorp | Mansion House, no person is to predict wet weather from the fact of ' there being a near the Moon. | If one of those wonderful correspondents of the Sunday Times, who ask for the most elaborate antiquarian and ~~ information (how per that Harpy’s Dictienary of Dates : with ‘a reply) should xo¢ have inquired what is the height of the Lonp Mayor, our but still facetious contemporary is not to say— ' |“ You are wrong. Moon’s altitude is 5 feet 10 inches.” - Down before him goes the cover; hazel, and young oak, and ash ; If the Lerp Mayor is upon any icular occasion more witty And the hares and rabbits scamper round him while the branehes crash, | than usual (if possible), no person is to remark “The Moon shines At the sticks full tilt he charges ; every stick, that bends not, cracks, | to-night.” Brambles tear his coat and trowsers: go it, pony! go it, Maxsz! If the Lonp Mayor looks at the thermometer to see whether the oe .. weather be warmer or colder than that of the preceding day, no Through the forest, through the meadow, Maxsz for dear life rides his astrological donkey is to say that the Moon is in appeation to Mercury. race ; Time there’s none to look behind him; Cossacks may, or not, give’ Any violating any of the above rules is to be liable, for the chase. first cence, t hating at a Pump, and for the second, to be placed Bullets after him may whistle ; whizzing by he hears them not, under one, the handle to be worked by hy? ores the brave Lizvrenant’s gallant steed outstrips the P PUNCH. s ot. | a a Hein, a, wall, gate, a — paling, brook and rivuletjhe clears, | The Deserted One of Downing Street. Swims the torrent, having plun theremto souse! head over ears, . : “ Tramples pigs, and pr dy a and goats that on the pastures browse, J ee ' conane ane, Se = a —_ sags pene Goes clean over the old women, and the oxen, and the cows. very kind and consid at of the CI an lor to x to town and look Farmers raise, in Crim-Tartaric, shouts which correspond unto in upon the Duke, who, while all bh colleagues we Deen capoyiag “ Don’t go ridun mongst they turmuts! this field don't belong to you!” their cone, Se been * alone in his glory” im Downing Street. His “ Hulloa, fright’nun them there cattle!” “Hoy, there, tearun up| Grace would have had a dull time of it indeed, but for an them grapes ! ” conversation with the porter who fills the Government scuttles, and Maxse nor Needs ner hears their clamour ; like the crow’s his flight he Who ‘came into the Duke’s room now and then for the purpose of shapes. carrying coals to Newcastle. Splashed and tattered, but triumphant, smoking, dripping, drenched | ack wit. heat, —_ —— | The University of the Army. e has reached the shore commanded by the French and English Fleet, | y ulate coun the that Maxse is sale, and safe delivers what he was desired to say, ann ante of Detieh ‘=n, C1 be a gratifring fect ¢ So the Admirals their vessels bring to Balaklava Bay. the officers and men constituting the expedition to Crimea have When the youngest child now living is a fogy, grey and old, ‘taken high honours at their Alma Mater. By his mouth this deed of daring will full many a time be told, To the rising generation Astiey’s shall present the scene, Not Always so Easy. Oftenti i in Kensal G . eutimes, when you and [ are laid at rest in Kensal Green. Own of the isions of the Oxford University Reform Act is, that a “ Statates may be made and altered, and the Congregation may speak in English.” A NEW SHAKSPEARZEAN READING, Ah !—that is, of course, if they can, | It is suggested that, on the revival of King John, the taunt of , , | Faleo to Austria, of “and hang o calls skin on those re-| A Save Ract.—Muscovite has won the Cesarewiteh this year, How creant limbs,” for “calf’s-skin,” “beas’s-skin” should henceforth be eould he help it, with the example of the splendid running of bis name- | substituted. : | sakes on the Ales nase qpountt belase him ? ayYor requests Miss Catuentve Hares to sing at the | & bd be ee patgey Fea eee ee han be Ae WIA RT ee ee ~* oo Rey nen pet SE sal RO ean nT RNP

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164 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. I = | my AUSTRIA, HAVING DULY WEIGHED THE CHANCES OF THE Present War, ros EMPEROR OF THE FRENCH TO CONGRATULATE HIM UPON THE SUCUESS OF THE ALLIES IN THE CRIMEA.

POVERTY AND PROPERTY. A woman of poverty (her name is not given by the Incumbent of Haggerstone), together with her family, make the most heroic sacrifices in aid of a “ Ae ~ upstairs,” fellow-lodgers, visited yh the cholera. Children — other children are smitten, and the mo asks leave to lie down awhile “ in the bed belonging to the other family.” She does ; 80, and— “ From that time until her own death, which took place yesterday morning [Oct. 6), the whole of the second family have never had their clothes off, nor have they laid down on a bed; and this act of self-denial has been borne without a murmur or | complaint.”

This is only another illustration of the benevolence of the poor towards the poor. Without the poor, what would the poor do*’—is an old, searching question: a question that may, at times, put property to the blush in the attempt to answer it. To this benevolence of poverty, let us now oppose a case of the selfishness of property. The scene is Worship Street Police Office. A lady named Rosryson, “the owner of large leasehold property in Marlborough Court and other places in Whitechapel,” is complained ot by Inspector Paice (a most vigilant and enlightened officer), for neglect of sanitary precau- tions. In Marlborough Stye, the inspector— “Found the houses so densely oceupied by tenants of the lowest class, each room being apparentiy tenanted by a separate family, that upon counting the tenants, who were in many inst P i ly huddled together, be found there were no less than 157 grown-up persons of both sexes, and 111 children.” And yet can it be said—pecunia non olet? Has, indeed, lucre no smel! —no taint—when obtained by way of rent for such dens of disease ; such cholera-beds, but one remove from charnel-places ? “ There was a total ab of the y drainage, the cesspool had overflowed, forming ~~ pools in the yard, from which was emitted an effluvium of the most h . Beveral cases of cholera had occurred among the

wretched inhabitants, and the continuance of such a revolting nuisance was calculated | to engender disease of the worst description.” Yet, possibly, this fact did not break the nightly rest of Mas. | Rosrnson, She, it may be, still enjoyed “rosy dreams and slumbers light,” the weekly rents still accruing. Mars. Kosrvson’s agent

© < weaned ft. : om i

MAKING GAME OF POETRY. WE shall no longer despair of the +— for extracting | sunbeams from cucumbers since it has been found practi- | cable to get a poem, in four cantos, out of the e of | Cuess. for some time past we have noticed the advertise- ment of the work to which we allude, and we may therefore | look in due time for “ Backgammon, an Epic im sixteen | books,” and “ Dominos, a Lyric in six octavo volumes, with a supplement in three.” Since the happy days of prolixity, when Perersporrr launched on the world his famous “ Abridgment ” in nineteen volumes, and his equally famous addenda in about sixteen more, we have met with nothing to equal the poem of chess in four cantos—extra boards. Nevertheless, the subject is not a bad one for the t’s art. The ground work is chequered, the King and Queen give scope for the introduction of the dignifying element of royalty, the knights open the way to romance, the castles are suggestive of chivalry, the bishops invite the 0et to a display of ecclesiastical learning, while the pawns lead naturally to the necessitudes, disappointments, and unredeemed pledges of every day life. Altogether there may be many inferior subjects for a poem, than the subtle game of chess,

GUT Me Jonathan’s Baby Show. 0 A Snow of American babies—according to the Cincinnati Gazette—was to take place in Springfield on the 5th instant. The prizes were various. There were to be three complete | silver tea-sets for the mothers of the three finest babies of three different ages. Doubtless, it is very right that the mothers of the finest babies should be rewarded, but are the sires to have nothing? If this omission be not amended, it is thought that the fathers will strike.

<<< | Decline of Irish Humour. Ir has been for some time remarked that the Irish character is undergoing an alteration. The Belfast Trade | Report confirms this observation. It states that “ Yarns continue as dull as possible.” A complete change, therefore, appears to have taken | place in the character of Irish anecdote. WRITES TO

. ' : implored for time ; “ hoped the magistrate would suspend the immediate | execution of the summons,” as the herd of lodgers should very soon be | put in lavender. Mar. Hawmiit, however, was obstinate and Mrs. | Rospinson must immediately set about cleansing her Marlborough | stye. Possibly, too, she would like to make some reparation for past neglect ; in which case we beg to refer her to the incumbent of Hag: gerstone, who will gladly be her almoner for her poorer and more heroic sisters. a | , 7 a il | WHITE FEATHERS. How wonderfully easy does the British officer make a seeming mpossibility! In the field of battle Le wears the white feather, yet uever shows it.

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WHYS FOR Mr. Powrcu has a kindred respect for clever people, and will therefore be proud to make acquaintance with any constant reader who can tell him— Why do authors who profess the most profound contempt for prefaces invariably write one? Why is it not thought “ the thing ” to call for beer at a dinner party, or be seen in Regent Street beyond the middle of August ? Thy can Constant Readers never write a letter without an allusion to “ your influential columns ?” Why do public singers, even when off duty, apparently consider it derogatory to shave themselves ? ef } = > a a, H ——— i > i = om

i), wn ny a OUR ANTI-PRUSSIAN BLUES. Tue “ curious observer” may have recently remarked that the police- man is no longer identified with those white Berlin gloves which from the very foundation of the force have been one of its most prominent characteristics. We have often wondered where could bé the analogy between the policeman and the white Berlins, and we have sometimes imagined that the spotless gloves were emblematical of stainless hands, or of a readiness to cope with the light-fingered gentry in general. Having for some time “ lost ourselves in speculation,” as the poet says when he has nothing to speculate with, and only himself to lose, we at length came to the conclusion that we had discovered the cause of the abandonment of the Berlin, and the substitution of the black worsted glove by the Metropolitan Police. The fact is that the Berlins are discarded because we are no longer hand in glove with Prussia, of which we need not remind the careful reader of Posweck that Berlin is the capital. Wehave no doubt that the casting away of the Berlin glove by the police authorities is a pointed method of throwing down the gauntlet to Prussia, which until it unites with us in arms, ought | Bot to be permitted to receive our hands. A SPECTACLE POR CIVILISED EUROPE. )} How little the Russian War has made itself felt in the money market! We do not see the Czar in the Stocks. No: but we should } like to see him in the Pillory,

Wiy cannot your Wire TRAVEL ror A WEEK WITHOUT TAKING WITH HER LuGGaGE ror a TwELVEMONTH ? THE WISE. Why can you by no persuasion ever get a man to own that he has ever won above “a crown or so” in a night at loo ? Why cannot a business man in Parliament pronounce the word “Schedule” otherwise than “Sheddle,” and why cannot a concert critic deseribe a singer’s voice without calling it an “o ae Why can fashionable people never condescend to write at al) legibly ? Why can Undergraduates never offer you a cigar, except by its slangy synonym of “ weed ?” Why should a cabman or a Brompton bus conductor act as though he would lose caste by treating ladies civilly ? And lastly— GOING, GOING, GONE!

Ar last Mn. G. V. Brooke has removed his carmine and hare’s foot | from Drury Lane Theatre. At one time there were signs of avery severe | winter, for we thought that G. V. had set in until at least Christmas. | But he really is gone, having—ere his departure—with his customary benevolence played for the benefit of the Licensed Victuallers’ Charities (the ex-editor of the ’ 7izer did not sing a comic song as was expected), and further, having consented to sit for “<9 as a sign—The G. V’s Head, a sign that will be substituted by the owner for the present Bull and Mouth. ‘ Mr. Brooxs being about to take a long voyage to the Antipodes the Licensed Victuallers presented the actor with an affectionate and no less fitting testimonial; namely, a cork-jacket manufactured from their own bungs ! eet We wish the actor a speedy and prosperous voyage! But if his ship has to encounter as many puffs at sea as he has raised about him ashore—why then Heaven help the underwriters ! Another Brutal Assault. Next to the Empenon or Russta, perhaps no one has of late so much disturbed our peace as the perpetrator of the following :— Q. Why is a lean dog like a man in meditation ?—4, Because he’s a thin cur.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 166 A BROADSIDE FROM THE BLACK SEA.—

VV. THE RE-KINDLING OF THE BEACON. “ The Russians had abandoned the light-house on the Western Cape, and extinguished the beacon. Our men have decupied the tower and re-kindled the light.”— Wu the Russians, cowed and craven, | Through the night that Pharos glances, For wave-wandering eyes to see. Under Abktiar's batteries hide, Deep m Balaklava’s haven, Lo the fleets of En; land ride ! Since the tall mast gilt and graven Of the Viking, far and wide, Bore the bloody-heaked Norse Raven— | No such Flag all flags defied ! Yet how many flags that water Hath reflected, since of yore | Shipwrecked wretches, saved for slaughter, | Stained the Taurian temple’s floor ; } Where pale AGamemnon’s daughter As the votive lock she shore From a victim’s head they brought her, Knew a brother’s face once more. Here the grim Varangian rover, His sea-dragons would embay : Stalwart swordsman, lusty lover, Frank at feast, and freck in fray. Cymric hands its fires have tended ; : / Greeks have fed its friendly blaze; | And the nations to deliver, Dark Khazars its flame have mended, Norse Vikinger nursed its rays. Tatar hordes, their way that wended Hitherward trom Akhtiar’s bays, Still the helpful light defended, Guide o’er ocean’s darksome ways. | Till—when both Khazar and Tatar, Norse and Greek had passed away, | When proud Genoa ceased to barter, And the Moslem ceased to slay— Russia’s lascivious daughter, Witch in wiles and man in sway, After Tscuesmé’s fearful slanghter, ; Saw these shores her nod obey. "Twas w Letter from the Sea of War. But Gon’s justice slumbers never, Though the sword awhile she hide. Lo, at length, the chains to sever, _ That have stretched so far and wide, France and d side by side ! Cowed before that high alliance, Russia’s hosts are fain to flee, While, in glorious defiance, Our great navies sweep the sea. Strong in justice—in reliance On our cause, what fear can be ? Shall slavish gold or slavish science, Or slavish myriads daunt the free ? All the world’s wide waters over, Since that day, the beacon scoring War and ts defying— With his war-axe cleaving wayf; To be dimmed, whoe’er its lord, Emblem of their fate behold. Hovering, as the ospreys hover, Still the brow of night adorning ‘ Ere they swoop upon their prey. O’er the sea its light has poured. Russia’s star for ever faded But no more like star of morning As that o sunk in gloom ; Hither came Byzantium’s galleys, By the sailor ’t was adored— Bat e gave it none, but warning From a coast aceurst, abhorred. Gilded stems, and sails of grain, Gui For the wine of Ktenian valle s, And the corn of Taphre’s plam.

. Hither their blood they ’ve waded, ; - ‘ ‘ The er to re-ijlume— Hither, on their venturous sallies, Far it shone—the scene revealing Shine in! nor e’er be shaded Genoa sent her merchant train— Of dark deeds that shame our time ; Ti ike awful day of doom— Fraudful friends, and treacherous allies, Where men thrive by double-dealing ; : , Keen for conquest, as for gain. And the basest highest climb ; | Shine—a light that none shall smother— Where the Chersonese advances Westernmost to meet the sea, Stands a beacon-light that dances O’er the waters, watchfully ; Through all changes, and all chances, Whoso uppermost may be,

Where foal fraud kills noble feeling, Where free speech or thought is crime, Outward polish ill-concealing barous nature ‘neath its slime, For a time, but not for ever Shine across an open sea Shine, for brother grecting brother ; Shine, for slavery made free Shine, for men's love of each other ; Shin toe E emma = = rather

DOUBLEU BEESIORAUS., = === Roressorn Owen has hitherto exhibited . no specimens of this animal. Every-

body has a passing acquaintance with | the Plesiosaurus, the Megatherium, | and so forth, that the visitor sweeping round the corner on his way to the Crystal Palace, beholds in grim repose amid pre-Adamite deposits; but, we repeat it, the Doubleubeesioraus, that s marks the good old time of corn laws, ‘<4 | top’ boots, and leather breeches, that SRS animal specimen is only to be found y at Castle Hedingham. The creature— = for some strange, mysterious purpose ——— | —endowed for a time, with articulate —. | utterance, talked to the agricultural mind. he Doubleubee observed— “T waut to know nothing more than what I already know of Popery,” a fact very gratefully received by the company. And then the Doubleubee spoke of “that rascal Frewxer;” also of a letter written to that individual, in which that letter speaks of “strong religious and Protestant principles as to my mind the foundation of true conservatism.” Perjury may sometimes come to the help of conservatism, just as pepper gives heat and flavour to cookery. DovusLevser confessed to the remorse of having voted against his conscience for Sin James Granam, whom he never could abide ! “ Talented as he is, I newer could bear that evil eya, that sinister look, that brazen meretricious leer, and the braggart, impadent face which he puts on to cover as dastard a heart as ever beat beneath a coat!” This is a good epninen of strength of werds! Among the pre- Adamite animals, there are marvellous indications of power, but nothing equal to this. The Megalosaurus had, it is supposed, a most wonderful swing of tail, but what is that when, with the above in our mind, we think of the of the Doubleubeesioraus— its indomitable strength of cheek, and invincible power of jaw !

r s— Such things are—to shame our pride, Of the good that vet eal

THE SPIRIT OF FOLLY, Tue following advertisement opens out a perfect, Australian gold field with whieh quackery and hum | tay still no doubt be tempted | to extend their “diggins,’” We had t all the forms of imbecility | had beep postty well worked up in the hands of swindlers and impos- | tors, but we have a new phase of intellectual softness, offering its | plastic self to the manipulations of the regular professional victimiser | or the artful dodger : GENTLEMAN, curious in such matters, wishes to find a person capable of SEKING and SHOWING VISIONS in the CRYSTAL, or otherwise | acquainted with Spiritual Divination. Address to “ Box,” at G. Ramsden's, Stationer, Vicar Lane, Leeds. We see scarcely any limit to the amount of “visions” which will be offered to the gullibility of this confessedly “curious” gentleman. We can imagine the rapid succession of “ visions,” complete with “‘ baseless fabrics” which would be ted to the advertiser by an adroit schemer on the Stock change. We can fancy the beantiful “ bubbles” that could be blown expressly for the gentleman desirous of “seeing visions,” and we can conceive his admiration and surprise | at seeing them dissipated into “thin air,” and thus substantiating—by | | their total want of substance—their visio character. ‘There may | also be another class of visions introduced to the notice of the “ curious | gentleman” through the medium of the “crystals” or glasses, and that “ spiritual” ageney—including cordial and other eompounds—to whieh the “ gentleman ” seems to point in the latter part of his adver- tisement, “ Visions” may be seen at any public house by placing the | nently to the mouth, provided the “Crystal” is fully | charged with that “spiritual” essence, which our advertising friend | has alluded to. We do not envy the postman the work he will have to | “ Crystal ” do in carrying the correspondence that will be addressed to “ Box” —a characteristic name no doubt, theugh we think some softer wood would have been more appropriate.

Kupos ron Dowatp.—The Russian snake has been scotehed at Alma; and it is by no means extraordinary that in that operation a leading part should have been taken by the 98rd Highlanders,

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EXPRESSIVE DOUBLEFACEDNESS. | | E hear that the eagle of Prussia, for the future, is to be drawn with two heads in- stead of one. This change has been a- dopted, in order that | it may the more closely resemble the eagle of Russia in all its attitudes. Be- sides this double front will fit most admir- ably into its old di- plomatic habits of duplicity, and even grace them like an appropriate orna- ment. Not only will | they be ornamental, | but also extremely | useful, for with two | heads Prussia will! be able to look two ways at once with | the greatest ease. | We have been fa- voured with a private | view of the intended alteration, and find that, to suit the present aspect of European affairs, | me head of the Prussian eagle is turned towards the East, leaning decidedly in favour of | Russia, whilst the other head is looking coldly to the West, but slightly, very slightly inclined in the direction of England and France. ‘The change bas been submitted to the King, and he WHAT IS THE GERMAN’S FATHERLAND ? Wnaat is the German’s Fatherland ” The world would like to understand, And why the German holds it worth More than another tract of earth ? Ts it a land of bright sunshine ? Is it a land of corn and wine ? Abounding, all the world ahove ? That Fatherland which Germans love. Whe, for itself alone, vould prize The land of finest scencs and skies ? Or care a fig about its fruits, If they but served to fatten brutes * The Fatherland of Germans, then, Should be a land of noble men ; A land of arts, and arms, and lore, Their Fatherland should be, therefore. In learning, glorious art and song, The German’s Fatherland is strong : Arms, too, the brave Teutonic brevd To wield, like men, are good at need, But parcelled out that land we see Which should be all entire and free ; Each weak state owns a despot’s rule : One strong one that of one weak fool. With strings of apron basely tied, 167 Ee ct BARI LI 8 ye NRE FP. y means of sister or of bride, Are these mere satraps of the Czar To their Imperial Master’s car. What, Germans! honest men, and true, And shall they also harness you ? You to that chariet shall they bind Whose wheels but move to crush mankind ? has been pleased to highly approve of it, and indeed an emblem of Prussia with two heads could | not well be otherwise than agreeable to a monarch who, it is well known, is always having two miads. nant det Eg! ee oe Pe ia 4 =

“A BLIGHTED BEING,” Mr. Rossow, at the Olympic, great as he is in his wretchedness, is not the only blighted being. There is also a Blighted Being in the French, namely M. Barnés. He is! released from gaol, and he is broken hearted! His prison doors, by imperial command, | If you will crouch, and kiss the ground, are thrown open, and what lies before him? The sunny path of liberty? Certainly not; but Belore those poor old women crowned, the wide, wide, cold, cold world: its road strewed with shards and skirted with briars. He The dirt, whereon you dare not stand, was happy, quiet, and content in his stone dungeon, as toad in the heart of a block of| That is the German’s Fatherland. marble: but the stone is broken, daylight is let in, and it is too much for the eyes and| brain of the liverated. He is from that moment a blighted being, scorehed, withered, | ee “ paralysed by the quality of mercy, dew-like descending upon him, What right had) ais the imperial despot, Louris Napotgon, to degrade the patriot Bansés with the blighting A HANDSOME OFFER! gift of freedom? M. Barsks was patriotically at work cutting on blade-bones, ‘in . ; , ——aee relief, oe = of — = the coup oor hose a the| T18 following appears in an Irish paper :— engraved tin-cups of Baron Trenck—wou ave perpetaated the memory of that gigantic VER MENT. wickedness ; and now, with the twentieth blade-bone in his hand, he is turned forth into that | : as a 2 . wilderness, the outside world! Who is to wonder that Barsts should kick, bite, spurn at | AN extensive Landed Proprietor on the Banks such tyranny? How writes he,—the noble, bursting heart ?—“TI shall pass two days at | ~~ * the Shaanon, will make « Wager of £500 that he has Paris to allow time to replace me in prison, and that period once over, on Friday night I shall | The Smee d. ™ oe go into exile.” He has been as good and as bitter as his word; he is now in Brussels, we | eames ~~ nas as hope on his way to London; when—such is sympathy—he must visit the Olympic Theatre. | The Handsomest Estate in Ireland. Great will be the attraction to behold at the same time Two Blighted Beings !—Rossox | Application to be made to J. F. E. G., Evnes’ Hotel, Glin, blighted on the boards, and Barsts blighted in a stage-box ! | Co. Limerick. —— = In these days, when Prize Baby Shows are } " . eatia coming into fashion, we may expect a pretty | THE GROWTH OF A NEW SUBURB. [strong competition for the £500, offered by the \ Frrst come the masons ard bricklayers. As the bouses begin to rise from the ground, | .. extensive agro = —— x the term a public-house shoots up suddenly at the corner. After the publican, come in due time the| cxieneire *t - he it 4 to _— | baker, grocer, and intiben, who are quickly followed by the tobacconist, and the barber, | #* hen he lan t a, ae See settled down, and has got gas, water, new milk, and a policeman of its own, arrives the |°¥® WS t the subject of a wager. Lawyer. The arrival of the Lapeer is always a sure sign that the new Suburb is getting on well, and it is a singular fact, that though the Lawyer is generally the last to come, he is | invariably the last to go. The poor-house soon rears its chevauz-de-frised head as a natural | The Lord Mayor's Day. consequence, and as long as there is a pauper in it, or a man in the new Suburb to make a| [7 has been proposed to omit or very much to | pauper of, the Lawyer never leaves it. Once firmly located, nothing short of an earthquake, | abridge the luxuries of the Lorp Mayor's or universal emigration, or perpetual cholera, will get him to move—but then we know it % | dinner, giving the money to the Soldiers. To do not in the nature of a lawyer to be easily moved. this, to pay down ringing sovereigns so saved, would i be to e “ the voice of the turtle

A Proper Precaution. Tue French band“of the Emperor’s “ Guides,” who are to visit us to play in aid of the fj ; Soldiers’ Fund, have, before venturing to London, had the Solicitor of the Dramatic} Twe Croax or Rewicion.—It is to be Authors’ Society bound in a very heavy bond that, being the last French novelties, they| known sometimes by the fine wap it has during shall not be translated into English. sermon time. heard in the land.”

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163 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. WHERE'S MISS CRUVELLI—CAN ANY ONE | TELL?” | Manemoret.e Canvecs bas most anaecountably mizaled. She was announced | sppear on Monday last at the Grand Opera; and the audience had actually | bled and the curtain was ready to rise, when it was announced to the astonished | r that the prima donna had not arrived. © * © The only additional | rmation which could be obtained was that she had started for some place - no one | ew where, and no one knew why. There was nothing for it but to apologize and ynounee that Mapemoise.te Porssor would perform the part— who did so with ich spirit that Mapemormetiea Crovecits absenee was much less regretted than perhaps imagined it would be, ttut what has become of MapemomeLee Cavves.i? ne seems to know. Some say she bas gone to America, seduced by the mighty sewem; others say she was dissatisted because her name did not appear on the in large characters; others, agein, say that she was displeased with the part tted to her in La Nonne Sanglante. But no one here is surprised, and few are rry Paria Correspondent of the Chronicle, Waat has Miss Cav VELLI done, And why has Miss CROVELLI run ? \ The manager can’t But he knows she’s cut away, 1 And Muss Porysot 4 thinks it monstrous j fun—fon— ¥ And Miss Pornsor thinks it monstrous fun. Off, like a bullet from a gun, Off, like a Quaker from a pun, Off, self-willed Sorry goes, Not a word to friends or foes; Not a line of explanation—none—none— Not a line of explanation—none. When Jenny gave the sack to Buwn, When Joanna by great Gye was won— The ladies let us know Why they served the parties so. Not one word from Mrs. Sopuy—one—one Not one word from Mrs. Sopny—one. Was it Barnum (that unequalled son Of puffing) with a tempting ton Of nuggets, made her shirk Her duty and her work ? With her salary it couldn’t be a dun—dun With her salary it couldn’t be a dun, Did the printer make her angry, mun ? Or was it that she sought to shun A part she thought too bad, ‘loo comic, or too sad And she wouldn’t be a Bleeding Nun—Nun— And she wouldn’t be a Bleeding Nun ? She was forced down London throats like a bun, Or objectionable Sally Lunn. The 7imes and Morning Chronicle In puffs we thought ironical, Bawled her praises in a way fit to stun—stun— Bawled her praises in a way fit to stun. But our public is a stubborn sort of Hun, And wouldn’t hail the new mock-sun ; But, owning she had merit, Lots of voice and lots of spirit, Stayed away, as it oughtn’t to have done—done Stayed away, as it oughtn’t to have done. But in Paris with success she begun, (The French like their music underdone) Now, the Chronicle can tell ye How its ancient pet, CauveLtt, Deserved the gold opinions that she won—won Deserved the gold opinions that she won. [f a twopenny Prime Lady at Vite Cun- Dick Ouse from the proscenium hath spun, Ere again they let her play, She must tell the Abonnay Why she left ’em with her work undone—done— Why she left ’em with her work undone, But Souls made of Fire (Sopuy’s one), « And talented young Children of the Sun, (Which means, you know, my dears, Them gifted Foreigneers) May do what they like, and eall it fun—fun— May do what they like and call it fan. ENCOURAGEMENT FOR ARMY SURGEONS. W wetuer our forces have, or have not, been provided with sufficient surgical aid in the Crimea, it appears that the French troops at least have been well off in that respeet. Our allies have adopted a remarkably clever plan to ensure a plenty of good surgeons for their wounded soldiers and sailors With a wisdom which must astonish our Govern- ment, they afford them the same inducement as other officers to serve their country. For imstance, according to the Moniteur, M. Lav- VERGNE, first physician-in-chief in the navy, has been promoted to the rank of officer, in the Legion of Honour. Evenordinary medical prac- titioners are accounted by the French Government members of an honourable profession: for in the same paper we read that two surgeons, MM. Macret and Lampert, have been appointed Chevaliers of the Legion of Honour, for their devotion to the sick during the raging of the cholera at Toulon. In this country the highest distinction awarded ordinarily to medical men is no higher than that ordinarily awarded to eminent grocers. Government does not consider a doctor to be, as such, too much of a philosopher to care about titles. It knights him by way of reward for merit. It thinks his profession as dignified as | that of a tea-dealer, and no more. In these days of degenerate knighthood a snob, as aristoeracy calls a tradesman, may be made a knight of; and aristocracy regards surgery and medicine as rather snobbish avoeations, and a regimental surgeon as doing a lowish kind of duty even when performing a capital operation with a cool head and a steady hand amid a shower of bullets, sustaining the highest courage, without the excitement of fighting, under fire. A LARK AT ST. PAUL’S, KNIGHTSBRIDGE. | A Lark is all very well for young gents in its r place, but a | chureh is not exaetly the proper place for it. Master Eanest Firzror | and his juvenile associates have heen a little too froli¢some in sky- larking, by singing, contrary to the arran ts of the service, the Litany, at St. Paul’s, Kmghtsbridge. are plenty of places where they might render themselves conspicuous in the character of calles without being more than simply ridiculous. We say monkeys | heeause these youths appear to affect that simious imitation of Popery lealled Puseyism. One of these little monkeys, however, bears the Iname of Buxtock, but his acquaintance will probably be rather | inelined to call him calf. } Mr. Westerton, another time, if this offence is repeated, bad better | not interfere with the delinquents. He is the Churchwarden and not | the proper officer to quell a puerile disturbance in church. That is the duty of the Beadle, and we hope that a large and powerful Beadle will be established at St. Paul’s, Knightsbridge; a with a strong arm and a stout cane, with which latter he will teach such young gentlemen as Mastea Frrzror and Master Buxiocx not to make a row in church.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 369

Mr. Puncu quite agrees with the sentiments respecting the piano a : LY sen . N one ughfare and farmers’ wives, which Mr. C. R. Cotviie meant to express at the of the chief thoroughfares of | THE PIANO IN THE FARM-HOUSE. THE ONE SHOP A-LIGHT IN THE STREET. } | Mr. Cotviie, of course, was joking: but never venture on irony with | / Sparkenhoe Farmers’ Club Dinner ; but then, if Mr. Punch had been one of the chief cities Mr. Cotviie, he would have said what he meant, and not the reverse.} 9 ~~ A \s A 2 LR... | ladies, or farmers either, still less with both together; your joke will) | "Baa : “ } og Ee pane. | most likely create a disturbance, as his did; and what is worse, you | s é. in thet thesenhiase | may also have to explain it; which, likewise, was his unhappy case.| (: , as | denominated by the ladies of the Sparkenhoe farmers, are reported by | | presence as a new feature in agrieultural meetings, and alluded to a | notion generally prevalent, that farmers’ wives were “too proud for The followi : | & me Je have, for the last two the remarks in question were universally | & a OZ years, closed their sgt = the Sua to have been delivered by that unlucky gentleman, in shops at eight o’clock boy “— j : > | ~ ~ in the evening, so as The Ladies,” as a toast. Having noticed the circumstance of their soailinw thalventichente some little time —y . : . to keep up the inte their business,” undeterred by the disapprobation which followed these = j words, Mx. Couviue thus injudiciously proceeded :— | A” wee. FP “ Tt is, therefore, that I have observed with the greatest re so many fair faces | = h } pe affections which dis- around me, and see them take an interest in <——— rs; Soe upon it, | . / ‘ : tinguish the human oe ee == being from the ox and Well; then came the storm which might have been expected. Had) === le ase and the pig. Mr. Punch been in the place of Mx. Coxvizz, the papers would have : = pe ae < “ had to report the subjomed observations in place of the above :— - = =F ing hin shop pony 7 Mr. Punch, in proposing the toast of “The Ladies,” said: “Inthe; = —a nine or ten at night ; discharge of the pleasing duty which has been confided to me, I cannot | —— hence fears are enter- sufficiently express my gratification at the sight of the ladies who have = = tained that the rest of done us the honour of coming here. Their presence on this occasion | the ~ By ho- | refutes the vulgar calumny which asserts that farmers’ wives are above | bh siers will be obliged their business. This vile slander is grounded on the circumstance that | in self-defence toreturn the accomplishment of music is general amongst them. They are | ; to the old barbarous accused of plaving upon the . And why should they not—when qn of keeping their they have nething else todo? All work and. no play—we know what . —_ w shops open equally the ag yay that is; and if farmers’ ladies must have some late | playing, ean they play better than the op Are “7 to go| Deputations without number, consisting both of employers and a | tinually, amd mever rattle over the ivory awe by way of a change of | | | | | |

jingling about with the cupboard-keys and the keys of the cellar con- enplore’, have, we understand, re y waited on this sock-seller, i vainly endeavoured to prevail upon him to abandon hiv greedy key? en it is said that if they want a good dairy, there must be no —_ of late closing. To all their remonstrances and entreaties a piano-playing That is, I suppose, for fear what is called a thundering ear has been turned by the obstinate and incorrigible snob. accompaniment should turn the milk sour. Fiddlestick! When a| The hosiers’ assistants of the city alluded to, who have published the farmer comes home of an evening he requires amusement ; he does not | above-mentioned particulars in a handbili,further observe that the greedy always want to go to sleep—and what else can he go to?—he has no|“ party” who keeps the hosiery nighthouse in the thoroughfare in theatre, no concert, no Exeter Hall. Then what can be more suitable | question, will be at once discovered by means of a walk through that to his cireumstances than that his wife should sit down at her instru-| thoroughfare after eight o’clock in the evening. They also point out ment, and give him a bit of music. Suppose she plays something from | that by simply abstaining from the purehase of any hosiery subsequently Haypn’s for instance, ‘ With cheerfulness the hushandman :’ | to that hour, the inhabitants of the said city may ae the early is not that just the sort of thing to raise his spirits, when perhaps they | closing hosiers from the loss now accruing to them, competition, are depressed by the cireumstance that the weather is bad for the | at a disadvantage, with those who close late, corn; or if good for the corn, bad for the turnips? Or she might per-| We hope the residents of the Boulevard des Italiens will carefully form a selection from Acis and Galatea, that beautiful composition of perambulate that great thoroughfare on the first convenient evening Hawpev’s, so pastoral in its expression, and therefore so calculated to | five minutes after eight, mark the hosier whose shop remains open, soothe his mind when anxious on account of his live stock. Well then| and book his name. We trust that the people of Broadway, New York, she may refresh that affection which is the source of domestic happi-| will do the like. a ness, by means of some tender melody of Mozaxt’s: and there are| And lest—but the thing is almost impossible—lest there should, per- | many passages in BereTHoven’s works by which she might awaken| adventure, dwell any such linseywoolsey caitiff in the midst of our those sensibilities, which the grandeur and beauty of that Nature, | metropolis—lest, perchance any such worsted polypus should infest the amid whose glories he exercises his calling, do not perhaps always heart of London—suppose, good fellow citizens, we also take a walk arouse as much as they ought in the mind of the British Farmer. | together the first convenient evening, shortly after eight—say—through Or should he, as may sometimes be the case, have not quite enough | Cheapside, spirituality in him to understand that sort of thing, she a at least amuse his ear, and accelerate his slumber by the pleasant omy X of a pe Ler a oma. I pauls watere to “ om THE FLEETS FAREWELL TO THE BALTIC. the that t ing i nee of music im the rur is- , . , , triets vill ultimately reach the agricultural labourer, for whose =| o— eee quit, pennant — — rovement we are all so anxious ; insomuch that no long time will elapse | em only ws what is to follow |! oma Se herons, Boe }, in a drawin po on = the | pioughmen take the milkmai ully around the room, armer’s | wife sits down at the piano, tp the Schottische or the Cellarius.” Aberdeen at full Length. Of course this speech would have been received with mild a veal THE . le of Aberdeen have hung « full length of their and gentle heaiien: and instead of the following ad ale y aving pacific Et Pe Town Hall lt is g ly understood that the been proposed in consequence : artist has been allowed to take a du copy for the library of © hataate Gintilththe tie extlienen ntoemn cai ana | NICHOLAS, to be shipped for St. Petersburg when the present gun- t a

| play a jolly good tune on a jolly good piano to a jolly good family,” — powder cloud has quite blown over. whic indicates a very late aareniags eypcieat gateet beer ; poueanes farmers would have given “ The of our gallant BASE ATTEMPT OW THE CRIMEA. ~ i. Puack, the chivalrous Protectionist of the Agricultural Name of il] omen to that province-culper, ’ sstheeiaineentetsnenciaaes tuamaieiaeed - In the Cancea he ’li Cay mea cunra! Lapy A——z L——a S——z F——z——» has obliged us” with the following :—In the event of Cerrro’s engagement at St. Petersburg,| Apvice ron tae Gop Freips.—The last advice that has been for- do you suppose the Emperor will allow the Galep from Alma to be| warded to the Diggings is the advice to remember the played ! ! between mine and thine.

Ri eessks a 6 a ed ial oe. _- - AG i a a a

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hiatal cittinndiens eating) silt ed tate ates ie betel emeeneemesiibeminn Dl ee aenten le oe ein en pai ee GROUSE SHOOTING LATE IN “Comg atone, Op Frio DISRAELT AND THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER! Art Exeter, on the Fifth of November, there is to be a grand exhibi- tion of fireworks in honour of Protestant ascendancy! In humble imitation of the City managers who, by requisition, wooed and won G. V. Brooxe to pass through Temple Bar, a committee is about to be formed at Exeter to invite Mr. Disaaru, as the Protestant champion in especial, to preside over the pyrotechnics. “If Mr. Disrae.i would place himself at the head of the Protestant feeling of this country, he would soon be exalted to permanent and immoveable power.” Thus saith the Standard. He would, in fact, go up like the rocket, and there should never be a coming down of the stick. We think the invitation of Mr, Disraxxi peculiarly felicitous. The Protestant mind of the country sees in Disrxag.i the natural opponent of Fawkes. It is Bensamin v. Guy! The arrangements at Exeter | are not yet complete ; but it is already known that Mr. Disrazui will make a pied nem in the midst of the prepared fireworks. He will then, with his own hand, ignite a rocket, a Catherine-wheel, and— | by way of irony—a Roman candle. The whole will conclude with a blaze of fireworks, Mr. DisRaei appearing in the centre. “Coningsby,” in variegated lamps—indicative of the many-coloured enius of the president—will be lighted at a flash above the head of the Protestant | champion, 170 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL THE SEASON. JOLLY, VERY w! Herg’s a Pornt!! We owe it in justice to the committee to state, that the nominal efligy of Guy Fawkes will in no feature resemble the B—n—P or Ex—t—Rr: and, further, that an unprincipled attempt to bribe the rev—d d—gnitary’s valet to sell a cast-off coat and apron of the revered | b—h—p was indignantly refused by that faithful servant. In fact, the malice of the report is evident, from the cirewmstance that the man had no such articles in his possession, Patal Effect of Sudden Joy. Great tragic actors ought to reflect somewhat upon the probable | consequences ere they greatly con It is well known that a deputation of the bankers, merchants, fishmongers, tripe-boilers, and others of the City of London supplicated Mr. G. V. Brooke to come into the City and act. He consented, and what was the consequence ? A distinguished sausage-maker was so affected at ak the event, that he has been in a state of delirium ever since. Two keepers con- stantly watch him. Fortunately the poor man’s wife is able to attend to the business. Rorys.—You never saw a ruin without ivy—you never saw a ruined man but he had a lawyer clinging round him,

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A THE EAST | Ri np H| li ‘ J | Wied HOW TO GET RID OF AN OLD WOMAN. [Puxscu, No. 604. Ocroper 28, 1854.)

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— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 173 DEPUTATIONS RECEIVED AT THE SHORTEST NOTICE BY BENJAMIN DISRAELI, ESQ, MP. etnc the vezala queéstio of the day, the honourable gentleman | will reeeive, on Monday, a depu- | tation from the Beard and Mous- | tache Party, and listen to the ay that will then be made to him to put himself at the head and chin of the movement. A large portrait of the talented Kx -Chancellor has been painted, | in which he is represented wee a most magnificent beard and flowing moustache. This por-| trait will be exhibited, and so| becoming and flattering is the} effect of it, that it is said Mr. | Disrarit will then and there | give his countenance to the ad-| voeacy of the Muntzian cause. | Intimation has been privately sent to Mr. Mecur to prepare him for the worst. | On Tuesday, the Vegetarians | have obtained permission to attend in a deputation upon him. | They bring with them a calmly prepared statement, that if Mr. DrsRkakELI will espouse their prin- ciples, he will not save less than | £3 2s. 5d. a-year,—that being the difference between the price of butcher’s meat and vegetables ; and will also become healthier, cleverer, wiser, and be able to | sleep sounder during Lorp Duptey Stuart's speeches. It will likewise enable him | to stand with greater fortitude the late hours, and taunts, and sneers, and turmoils of | a Parliamentary life. His return to power (they hope to convince him) lies through a kitchen-garden. } On Wednesday, it is to be the turn of the Cabmen. They want Mr. Drsnagtr} to get the new law repealed. If he will only declare himself a regular Hansom, | they engage to drive bien back to Downing Street in less than no time, and to! charge him nothing for the fare. On Thursday, several distinguished Mormonites have an appointment with Mr. | DisragLr. They are anxious that he should give his consideration to the prin- ciples of their sect, with the view of becoming one of them. On Friday a deputation of citizens and merchants from the New Cut will have the honour of waitingon Mr. Disragi. It is their wish that he should try to exert his influence with Mr. N. T. Hicks, for the purpose of dissuading that | gentleman from leaving the Victoria Theatre before he has gone through a round of his most popular characters in the domestic and burglarious Drama. | On Saturday, Ma. Disragtt has promised to attend a meeting of Bonnet- | makers in Cranbourn Street. Having long noticed a gradual falling off in ladies’ bonnets, they are only fearful that the bonnet may fall off the head altogether, and ; then what is to become of their trade? It is to avert this fall, that they are about to implore of the Ex-Chancellor of the Exchequer to turn his head a little to bonnets, in order to restore their proper equilibrium. Besides the above, there are memoranda on Mr. Disrazwi’s table of deputations | from the Seotch grievance-mongers, from the Italian Brothers, from the American female physicians who have been denied admission into the English | hospitals, from the eel the readers of the Morning Advertiser, and various | other persecuted classes and individuals, including of course all grades of Protee- | tionists. In the meantime, as Mr. Drsrarti has generously stated that his time is | always at the service of any depufation that may require his advice or assistance, | there is but little doubt that he will have plenty to do until Parliament opens. For Parliament there is a recess, but for a Disgzaeii none. Lawks a Mercy! Tue name of the British chaplain still resident at St. Petersburg is the ReveREND O. Law! His name is more = enough in the mouth of such of his fellow country- men as are obliged to remain in Russia when they hear unfavourable news through the Russian press, and as plenty of it is continually being fabricated, the reverend gentleman under the denomination of O. Law! is wanted pretty frequently. | A Joke worthy of the Pillory. } THE DUE OF THE DEAD. I str beside my peaceful hearth, With curtains drawn and |amp trimmed bright ; I watch my children’s noisy mirth ; I drink in home, and its delight. I sip my tea, and criticise e war, from flying rumours caught ; Trace on the map, to curious eyes, How here they marched, and there they fought. In intervals of household chat, [ lay down strategetic laws ; Why this manceuvre, and why that ; Shape the eveut, or show the cause. Or, in smooth dinner-table phrase, Twixt soup and fish, discuss the fight ; Give to each chief his blame or praise ; Say who was wrong and who was right. Meanwhile o’er Alma’s bloody plain The scathe of battle has rolled by—™ The wounded writhe and groan—the slain Lie naked staring to the sky. The out-worn surgeon plies his knife, Nor pauses with the closing day ; While those who have escaped with life Find food and fuel as they may. And when their eyes in sleep oy close, After scant rations duly shared, _— ~ picks his vietims out, from those hom chance of battle may have spared. Still when the bugle sounds the mareh, He tracks his prey through steppe and dell ; Hangs fruit to tempt the throats parch, And poisons every stream and well. - All this with t hearts is done ; All this with patient hearts is borne : And they by whom the laurel ’s won Are seldom they by whom ’tis worn. No deed, no suffering of the war, But wins us fame, or spares us ill ; Those noble swords, though drawn afar. Are guarding English homesteads still. Own we a debt to these brave men, Unpaid by aught that’s said or sung ; By leaders from a ready pen, Or phrases from a flippant tongue. The living, England’s hand may crown With recognition, frank and free ; With titles, medals, and renown ; The wounded shall our pensioners be. But they, who meet a soldier’s doom— Think you, it is enough, good friend, To plant the laurel at their tomb, And carve their names—and there an end ” No. They are gone: but there are left Those t oe best while they were here— Parents made childless, babes bereft, Desolate widows, sisters dear. All these let grateful Enaland take; on a large and liberal heart, Cherish, for her slain soldiers’ sake, And of her fulness give them part. Fold them within her sheltering breast ; Their parent, husband, brother, prove. That so the dead may be at rest, Knowing those cared for whom they love. Russian Military Habits. Iy very many instances at Alma—the Russian officers By a new arrangement which the Post Office authorities are about to adopt, an covered their uniforms with the gray ——_ of the the o old saying will be rendered obsolete ; for how can we talk about being “ knocked from pillar to post,” when the pillar and the post are in future to be identical ? common men. Thus they illustrate ; taunt, that “the post of honeur was a private station.” i ] q

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pheken “e. be 9 a i RE pt ME ecg are er Tre ae ae rem z 174 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, ‘QUIET STREETS. (LANDLADIES’ CIRCULAR.) Tue Season for taking lodgings in London having arrived, the Lanpiapies of the Quiet Srreets of the metropolis respectfully submit the following programme of | an hour in the Quiet VOCAL AND INSTRUMENTAL PERFORMANCES, which they have, by dint of toleration and encouragement, succeeded in procuring for the benefit of ladies and gentlemen who may desire quietness. References to lodgers who have gone away, and who can testify to the fidelity with which the whole of these performances are regularly given in the neighbourhoods in question, are kindly permitted. Inquiries may also be made at Bethlehem Hospital, a | Hanwell Asylum, of inmates of those establishments who have removed thither from Quiet Streets. To invalids, to persons possessing nerves, to clergymen and others desirous of study, to authors, to musicians, and to all who deem quietness, at certain hours at least, one of the necessaries of life, the Quiet Streets offer advantages not to be found elsewhere. PROGRAMME oF PERFORMANCES IN THE QUIET STREETS OF LONDON, Mornina. Six. Sweeps, who will knock loudly until seven, varying their per- formances by whistling, by invocations to the blessed housemaid Mary, and by rattling their brushes along the rails of the areas of the house to which they come, and of its immediate neighbours. The following cries will then begin, and each will be continued up and down the street until the per- Sormer is relieved by his or her successor : Seven. First Milkman, with loud shouts of “ Mieiaw !” Half-past Seven. Second Milkman, with loud shouts \ of “ Low-en!” Querter to Fight. Third Milkman, with great rattling of pails, and a prolonged shriek, ‘“ New Milk, twopence a kvort!” Hight. Hoarse young Girl: “ Any Water-cree-ee-ce-ee-ses ? Half-past Eight. Hoarse old Man: “ Fine Water-cree-ses !” Nine. “ Hearthstones!” Half-past Nine. “Dust, ho!” “ Any Chairs to Mend ?” Ten. “Paper! Pa-per! Pa-per!” Halfpast Ten, First Organ: Morning Hymun— Pop Goes the Weasel, Eleven. Two Costermongers who purposely bawl at the same time, “ Wezetables! Taturs! Turnips.” (The great effect of the morning— in fact a sensation.) Half-past Eleven. He- brew melody, “ Any O Clo?” Grunt accom- paniment. Twelve. All the boys come home from school, and are sent to play for Strects that they may \ not be run over. Gym- (0M pastics—leap-frog—pu- ~ gilism—quarrels, Half-past Twelve. Se- cond Organ; Love Not—VFillikias. AFTERNOON. One. Cat’s Meat. Also Rabbits. Also Images. Half-past One. Knife-grinder—very deliberate artist— with pleasing | accompaniment on grindstone—fireworks. Two, “ Any Umbrellas to mend ?” The Three Furious Milkmen again. Half-past Two, Third Organ: Rule Britannia—Polkas. Three. Flower-show. Loud lecture: “ Alla blowin’, all a growin’, a penny a pot, ladies, a penny a pot, ladies—a penny a pot flow——ers !” _Half-past Three. The sailor who received the immortal Netson in his arms at Trafalgar; with tracts to sell. Pious song, “ Your art’s uncommon stony, But still there’s opes for you.” This performer is irascible and slightly, and does not give him money. grunsle—grunsle! Grunsle for the dicky, for the poor little dicky, grunsle!” Half-past Four. Fourth Organ: Partant pour la Syrie—Jolly Nose. Five. “Fly-papers ! Fly-papers! Here ’s somefin to catch the nasty flies wot bites the little babies’ eves. Fly-papers !” Half-past Five. “ Muffins—muffins!” Mass bell accompaniment. EVENING. Six, “ Walnuts, fine new walnuts!” Usually a trio. ; ' : lalf-past Six. Fifth Organ: Evening Hymn —Drinkina Chorus from Robert le Diable. abusive if an unprotected female looks at him | Four. “ Grunsle for your birds — now then— Seren. Boys having had their tea, and it is hoped learned their lessons, are turned out for an hour’s wholesome play before dark. Performance as at twelve, but much noisier. Half-past Seven. Sixth Organ. Band instrument, drawn by a horse, and worked by two men. (The roaring of this instrument may be heard | many streets off, and so far as mechanical inventions may be com- pared to the vor humana, the effect equals that of the eleven o’clock performance. ) } NIGHT. Fight to Ten. Miscellaneous. at the passengers, and sing defiant ballads. If the night be fine, the boys howl | } | } If wet, children are | turned out, with very few clothes, to sing in avery high voice, and | to whine to the basement story. Hurdygurdies, and other in:truments are also heard, and a German band plays at the public-house at the | corner, But arrangements have been made for the performances to conclude about ten o’clock. It should, however, be added, that all cabs in a hurry take the Quiet Streets during most hours of the night, and therefore the depressing stillness so fatal to health and imtellect, is avoided until, at s‘x o’clock, the round of pe: formances is renewed. SOMETHING RADICALLY WRONG. Tn following is from an Australian paper :— [aE paity who stole a root from my garden and dropped a nugget, is informed that there are more plants lett. W. Law, Seedsman, 187, Little Collin Street East. We have been taught that we should “set a thief to catch a thief,” but it would appear from the above, that in order to catch a thief we should sometimes set a cabbage or some other member of the vegetable kingdom. We are not told what root it was that the thief took away, but he made ample amends if he left behind him a carat of gold m exchange for a carrot of a more humble material. We are not sur- prised at the invitation to the “party” to come again, on the same terms, though he will probably absent himself for the future from a set ~ ae where he has found one that has proved to him a root of evi Qualified Praise. A Contemporary, remarking upon a Lecture on the Mind, says “the Reverend Gentleman’s Discourse was profound and erudite, compre- i hending nearly all that we know respecting mental phenomena.”

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| a if some of the Nightingales, in due time, became Ring-doves. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 175 | THIEVES “WANTED.” WE wonder that wedo not see am literature such an advertisement as the following : WASTED, by a Wholesale House in the City, an active young Man, as Collector, who will actively collect his employer's money (and appropriate it to his own purposes). He must be a good walker (and well able to walk off with the truits of his labours). Salary (nominally) £50 a year (but as it is quite obvious that he cannot support himself, with possibly a wife and family, on this sum, he will naturally be disposed to make up any from the funds with which he will be confidentially entrusted). The above advertisement may seem somewhat unusual, but the following, which appeared in the Times of the 14th of October, if inter- preted by the ordinary rules of common sense, can scarcely be supposed to differ from that which we have imagined. LERK.—WANTED, by a Wholesale House in the City, a respectable, active, young Man, age not to exceed 25,as COLLECTOR, and to make himself generally useful in the counting-house ; must bea good walker, Apply by letter, in| own handwriting, stating previous employment, references, capabilities, ée., age, and height, to, &c. &c, Salary £50 per annum. We cannot suppose that the “wholesale house” putting forth the | above advertisement ean expect to obtain a “ collector,” a general clerk, | and a porter (for he is to be “ ly useful,” and to be “a ' walker,” unless he is to collect for himself, to be useful to himself, and | to walk off when detection seems immiment. If the “wholesale house ” had other intentions, the advertisement would not have con- eluded with the significant words, “ Salary, £50 per annum.” THE STAR SQUABBLE. | (AT PRESENT AGITATING ASTRONOMICAL AND ASTROLOGICAL SOCIETY.) Says Brewster to Wuewett, let’s fight a star duel, Though you ’re very cruel to raise such a strife. What! Nature make worlds for mere lanterns, or fuel ? I tell you all planets are swarming with life. Says Wuewett to Bazwster, you old Cock, or Rooster, | hy will you anew stir the question with me ? Excepting our planet, Creation’s whole cluster *S as empty as you and your volume, Sir D. - * Brewster to WHEwELL, you’ve just got your gruel, , Ma. Prorgssor, you'd best sleep upon it. Says WHEWwELL to Davin, go get your head shaved, niess you ’re afraid of the bees in your bonnet. THE PIANOFORTE AND THE DAIRY. | Mr. Corvrrz, Member for South Derbyshire, at the Sparkenhoe q Farmers’ Club Dinner, ventured to observe that he thought “the | Farmers’ wives above their business.”—‘ The pianoforte would not harmonise with a dairy of cheese.” On this Mz. Cotviie was blown by a burst of indi on almost off his legs; as, ten to one, he | will at the oe — ae out d his = Mr oun as a peace-offering, then i u the pou ; “it was highly creditable to the indies.” It would not do—the ladies would not be mollified. Dropping the poultry, Mx. Cotvitz next suggested that there should be, to the our of the mothers, a baby show: we showed heifers, “why not infants?” This liberal suggestion was hooted, screeched at; and Coryrrz became wan and crest-fallen. All he said was har iy mere joke. After a time, the meeting professed | to be satisfied with the explanation; but it was clear—after the de- parture of Cotvite—that his words rankled. “This comes of making a man a Member of Parliament. He wil tell his mind; he gets such a habit of straightforwardness in the House of Commons.” It is thought that Mr. Cotvire will consider it as only due to himself to make a written answer to this aspersion. An Attack not Easily Repelled. Tue Emperor Nicnonas, it is said, is overcome with the deepest melancholy—and, to make melancholy matters worse, our brave Allies in the Crimea are — be to prove to him that it is no such easy matter to drive away the Blues. EPIGRAM BY SIR CHARLES” NAPTER. We’ve taken Bomarsund ; 2on constat That we could also have taken Cronstadt. Nicutrxcates vor tae East.—We sre about to send some dear Nightingales to nurse our sick soldiers. Punch would not much wonder the curiosities of advertising THE PILL AND DRAUGHT MARKET. EDICINE is evidently look- ing down, and Physic is be- coming adrug in the market. In proof of this statement we subjoin quotations from the advertismg column of a contemporary. From the first of these it will be seen that i gentlemen are inquired for at an ex- tremely low figure -— "WZEDICAL. — WANTED, AN, pense, and attend , £200 per annum, with and residence. Apply dee. bc. the next, it appears at demand for assist- medical gentlemen, but may be sufficiently answered by Surgery boys. of limited practice, a YOUTH, about 14, with some knowledge of ~~ to assist in the Surgery and take ont the medicine, For address apply to Wurpsor, Bottle Merchant, Bartholomew Close, The former of these announcements us with data from which a safe estimate may be of the extent and value of the advertiser's business. That the practice is a large one may be | all its by inferred from the fact that the services of an assistant are required in | , but the amount of remuneration offered for the accept- | ants is not limited to | WASTED, by a Surgeon ‘ance of candidates is an indication of small profits, which, taking all | | circumstances into consideration, we should be disposed to put down at | from 14d. to 2d. per visit, for medicine and attendance, over and above the eost price of the articles supplied. The nature of the board and residence which are promised the assistant in addition to something less than 15s. 5d. a week, is not stated. Of course no exception can be made to these terms; the wages of medical labour, like those of | any other labour, must be regulated by the laws of supply and demand. It must, however, be considered absurd to advertise for #Centleman, when the hire is such that a Journeyman, unless he be a very unskilled one, would turn up his nose at it. . | The remuneration, to be received by the Youth who is wanted to ‘dispense the medicine and also carry it out, is not fied. We suspect, too, that the duties which he is expected to perform are more numerous than those mentioned in the advertisement. Besides taking round the physie to the limited number of patients constituting his master’s practice, we apprehend that he would be employed in “= boots, knives, and forks ; and also have to officiate in the stable, shoul the limited practice increase so as to necessitate the keeping of a horse. We must confess, however, that we hope no such extension of its limits may take place: since amongst 1 multitude of patients, whose medicines are com by an errand-hoy, some awkward mistakes might happen. Possessing some knowledge of dispensing, but perhaps not qnite enough, the Youth might calomel, or substitute hyd ¢ acid for hydrochloric. One thing is quite clear : t up corrosive sublimate for | if medical assistants are paid at the rate of common mechanics, and engaged to perform the serviees of | ages and tigers, we shall soon have our eriptions dispensed by boys broken out with buttons, and medical sad surgical operatives will call round for orders, in brown paper caps and fustian jackets, or without any j and in mere waistcoats and shirt-sieeves. A Determined Emperor. Some of ‘the shot fired by the Russians at the battle of Alma are | described as havin robably the same kind of cross that was formerly borne on the Kussian Flag. ormerly, we say, for the cross of the Russian Flag is now, we believe, white on.a black ground, and has been altered into the figure of a pair of crossed bones, surmounted by a death’s head, by order of the Emrgnon NICHOLAS. WONDERFUL RESULT OF SUCCESS. So immense has been the success of G. V. Brooke in the City—s tremendously has his reputation inereased—that it has been found necessary to take his passage to Australia in two ships! been marked with the cross. The cross was | earn, a ncn ia a oo i et 6 hin LE le OP

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nm nora yer ory w os sane in? coin neh aca mh. Ca par ve ea pas wi ib he Printed by Wylie Bradb 176 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. AHL" “My Successful Conductor, “On yes! Tae LADY SENDS HER RESPYCKFUL SEE YOU JOLLY WELL BLUWED FUST THE GLUT OF GREAT CREATURES. Ir is delightful to see the daily string of Theatrical Advertisements in the Zimes, announcing the important fact of the whereabouts of those great luminaries of the stage, who, though leaving London in darkness, are pleased to shine with terrific glare in the Provinces. Numerous as these announcements have been, we can assure ou! readers that circumstances alone prevent the appearance of at least half a hundred additional advertisements every day from those geniuses, who are desirous of letting the world know what they are about, and how much the Metropolis is missing in the way of amusement by their absence from London. We sudjoin a few specimens :— \ R. STENTOR, the distinguished hippo-tragedian, whose impressive horseback impersonations have created the greatest sensation ever known in any sawdust, will appear as Mazeppa, at Greenwich Fair on Easter Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and at Chariton near Woolwich in the summer of 1855; and on Whit Monday, 1856, sails by the Pink, Carpram Cuarrens, for Cremorne. Letters in the meantime to be addressed to the Ustler, at the Stable Yard of the Hen and Hair-brush \ R. BLACKWELL, the renowned Ethiopian, whose bones have long attracted the curiosity of the anatomist of human nature, will perform at the Haymarket on Monday Evening at 6, in Kegent Strect at 4 in Oxford Street at 8, and in Holborn from 9 till 11. Letters to be left with the Baked Potate Merchant, at the end of the Cab Stand, opposite the Theatre Royal Haymarket. [Re PUBLIC is respectfully informed that MR. CLATTER the renowned Drum, whose Concerts on that instrument, combined with the Mouth Organ, have attracted the attention of the authorities, and street-keepers in all parts of London, and whose running accompaniment, by command of Inspector MLUSTER, placed him in the very first rank of those with whom he was moving, will be in Smith fiel! Market on the 9th of November, until which period be is open to treat, or be treated. A whistle directed to the Three Pair Front Window, in Little Tufton Street, Westminster, will meet with immediate attention. \ ISS LEONORA TOMBOY begs leave to acquaint the Nobility, Gentry, the Cabinet Ministers, the Law (Officers of the Crown, her friends, and the public generally, that on Saturday last she ceased to be a member of the Company of the Theatre Royal Greco-Bowery-Britannic Saloon. QIGNOR FLEXIBLE, the unrivalled Indian Rubber Acrobat, who has \” twisted himself round the hearts of the public by a long series of contortions, and wound himself up to the highest pitch ef public favour on the tight rope, will appear at the Elysian Gardens on Whit Monday next. All «pplications watii that date may be addressed to the Signor at his private residence, which may be ascertained by applica- tion to the relieving officer of his parish, who is empowered to make ail engagements for the Bignor until further notice. REST TO HIS SCISSORS. ' Lrevtzyast Royer may congratulate himself upon one great literary feat. He may be pretty certam that his Haglish Prisoners in Russia is about the only English book that has lately been allowed admission into the Czar’s dominions without some kind of mutilation. How the scissors of the Censor must have n wide with astonishment at finding that there was not a single passage that wanted cutting out. So signal an honour deserved some acknow- ledgment; .and accordinaly, Lieurenant Royer has, we are informed, been appointed “ Our Own Correspondent” to the Gazetle de | St. Petersbourg. ‘hii ou RT! 6® | HOURS AT COURT. uw , typ. mt ils We learn that M. Vivier, the marvellous " horn-player, gave such a blow to the Court of Wurtemburg that, after the Concert, “he had the honour of supping with the royal family, and sat next the Praixce Royat.” Why does not Monsteur Vivier visit the Court of Berlin? He might give a most effective blow to the resolution of the Krve or Prussta; who, it is said, has been required to give a definite answer to Austria —‘ ves, or no.” Cateh his Majesty doing anything of the sort. With him “yes” and “no” are only so far good as, like certain liquors, they are good for mixing. Niope vor A Betrer Harr.—A_ poor simple husband has a wife, who is so addicted CoMPLIMENTS, AND LL to erying, that he calls her “the perpetual ‘Tear and wear of his life.” V R. W{THERBY.—This unrivalled delineator of the nicer shades of 4 elder!y characters, who is looked wpon by himself as the only saccessor of F angen, and whose aged fops have exeited the enthusiasm of his tamily, and the box-keepers wherever he has acted, will have the honour of making PP at the Theatre Royal Avywhere, as soon as he can get engaged. ‘HAKSPERIAN READINGS.—MR. JONES will read Hamlet on the | 7 5th of November, with fireworks; Richard the Third on the 24th of Auguat, 1855; and King Lear on the 7th Monday of 1864. All letters to be addressed to the Post Office, Islington. HOW TO MANUFACTURE SPANISH DANCERS. Spanisn Dancers begin to abound in London, from St. James’s to Whitechape!. They are manufactured pretty much in the same way as a real Whitechapel Havannah, namely, of produce of English growth. | Take a dark-looking young lady—if of the Hehrew persuasion the | better—let her be pirouetted two hours a day, made to stamp upon the | floor, like an energetic housemaid killing black beetles—let the name of Levy or Moszs be turned to the fulness and favour of Paguita or Dororea, and the transformation is complete. You have your muscular Whitechapel Spanish Dancer even as you have your i flavoured Whitechapel Havannah. Serenade for Sans Souci. | Grew— Here's a Health to all good Lasses.” To the Czar allied by marriage, ¥ Freperick WILLIAM, move your carriage ; Let us pass, good monarch, pray. To protect your brother, Bavry, Will you run the risk of ruin? Prussia’s carriage stops the way ! OLD BAILEY TO WIT. Last week the Manager of the Princess’s made his first double appearance for the season as Dubosc and Joseph Lesurgues (the murderer and the victim) in the highly criminal drama of The Courier of Lyons, | The Old Bailey did not illuminate. | | | | | Votcar Derryrrion or a Teetoratten.—A Drunkard convinecd against his (s)will. . of No. 18, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Peneras, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 27, Victoria Street, in the Parish of St. Margaret and St. Jobn, W cotmimster, both ia the County of Middlesex, Printers, at their Office in Lombard Street, im the Precinet of Whitetriars, in the City of London and Publixhed by th m at No, 8, Fleet Street im the Parish of St. Bride, ia the Olty of London. —Sarvapar, October 2, 154

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PU NCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Tue Emperor (with the mild eyes) DetERMINES TO SINK HIS SuIPS AND BLOW UP x His CITIES—IN OTHER WORDS, TO CUT OFF HIS NOSE TO SPITE HIS Face. | PUBLIC NUISANCE IN DOWNING STREET. | Mr. Powcn and a full bench of Contributors were occupied for some | | hours at the N Sessions, in hearing a complaint against a | very respectable looking old Scotch lady, who was understood to be a native of Aberdeen, and who was charged, as the owner of certain | premises in Downing Street, with keeping a place so as to be a | nuisance, Mr. Ivspector SHALLABALLA was the first Witness called. He said he was oceupied in looking after the healthy condition of the neigh- boarhood o' wning Street, and finding the place occupied by the Defendant to have got into very bad odour, he had visited the spot and found a great accumulation of various matters, which caused a stagna- tion, which he, the Inspector, thought was very injurious to the healthy condition of the public. He would, however, with Mr. Punch’s permission, bring forward a very important Witness, who could give full particulars. He would call Lonp Pomicestone. Lorp Pomicestone deposed that he had long known the neighbour- hood of Downing Street, and that he had lived on and off the premises for a series of years. He had sometimes been obliged to leave the place of his own accord, on account either of obnoxious businesses that were being carried on, or of some stagnation or other which prevented matters of various kinds from flowing in a free channel, and the place had thus got, from time to time, into bad odour. He knew the Defendant, whom he believed to be a very worthy well-meaning person but very slow in adopting any improvement. He, the Witness, liv with Defendant as a neighbour, on pretty good terms, though he con- fessed he had sometimes lost his patience, and put himself out, but then he could soon put himself in again. (4 laugh.) Mn. Puncu asked the Witness if he could give any information as to the subject of the present complaint. Lonp Pomicestone said that he certainly could say a good deal on the subject, though he bad no wish to do anything unneighbourly towards the Defendant, who was a good old creature in her way, but when in other people’s way was rather objectionable. (4 laugh.) The Witness then proceeded to state that since he had VOL. XXVIL : been in Downing | | Street, lately he had observed varions disagreeable effects from the place | | occupied by the Defendant. There was a sort of something which he could only compare to a kind of Scotch mist, which threw a damp on THE FATE OF FRANKLIN AND HIS MEN. Let us draw around the fire ; PRmbers ruddy glowing, What a comfort they inspire, Whilst the bitter tempest roars, And it freezes out of doors, And the wintry haze is snowing, And the keen North-West is blowing ! Sit and listen to the gale ; Frost without is stinging : whee anew solemn wail . uns throughout its gusty squalls, As it rises and it falls te Ever with a death-psalm ringiug : What a dirge the winds are singing ! Reddened in the hearthlight warm, From the great log yonder, Housed and sheltered, safe from harm, Tracing pictures in the coals, On the poor unhappy souls Homeless in the cold = wander, Is it not a time to ponder ? Whose that wild wind’s requiem, Desolately sighing ? Has it not swept over them, Whose unsepulchred remains Now bestrew the iey plairs, Where for Science martyrs dying, Frankuo and his crew are lying. There they starved among the snows, ’Mid the icebergs hoary, There to death they ole froze. On such errand let brave men Never be dispatched again ; Keep them for the strife of glory : W hat a fireside winter story ! everything, and imparted a disagreeable languor to everybody employed | on the premises. : | Mr. Puncu remarked that the Witness did not seem to be affected by it, for he seemed strong and hearty, and was understood to get through a great deal of business. Lorp Pomicestone admitted that was true, but he added that he worked in a different part of the premises from that occupied by the Defendant, but-he had nevertheless felt at times the influence of the | damp he had spoken of, which could be compared in_ its consequences | to nothing but the vapours. In fact, continued the Witness, it is well known that I have left my place more than once, and have only been coaxed back again by a promise that what I complained of should be remedied. Mar. Pouncm inquired if the Defendant had any answer to make to the complaint. | The endant, a most respectable-looking old party, here stood forward, and said that the place agreed very well with her. She had herself nothing to complain of, and she — people had better mind their own business instead of making all this fuss ebout nothing. If | people chose to poke their noses into places where they had no business, they could not complain if they found things not exactly as they liked. Several witnesses spoke to the excellent cenutes of the Defendant, but | Mr. Puncu remarked that this was not a case in which character was concerned. Public improvements must not be stopped, and nuisances suffered to exist, because the character of the party might be une ionable. There was a nuisance proved to exist, with a con- side amount of stagnation, affecting the whole atmosphere of the place, and throwing a damp on every thing in the neighbourhood. He should therefore order the place to be emptied and filled up in a com- plete and effective manner. The Defendant said it would be uscless to empty it, for it could not be better filled than it was at present. Loxp Pomicestone rem satisfactory manner, if the place was only once properly emptied. Derenvant. You had better try. : __ Lory Pomtcestone. No, no! ’s have it emptied first, and then if nobody else will fill it, I will, if I can be allowed to do things in my own way. “Mx. Poxon declared this conversation irregular, and the parties left it q T that he would undertake to fill it in a | ime tate ey Ar ae ORE haa. pret rane 9

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1 | ) al af THE CZAR’S FORGE. | | ¥ have a little bird that flies a great way, and sometimes bri us back mtelligence come-at by no other party’s “Own Corre- spoudent.” By the aid of this little bird of ours we are enabled to take a bird’s-eye view of the interior of one of the most im- | portant manufactories in Russia ; that is to say the Imperial Forge at St. Petersburg. Here, the practical, no less than the poetical mind will naturally surmise, are forged the thunderbolts of war. Bombs, cannon balls, rockets, however, are not the deseription of articles produced at this establishment. Yet the weapons fabricated at the St. Petersburg | Forge are almost, if not quite, as telling, in general warfare, as any of those missiles; instead of bemg round shot they are, in two plain and | simple words, round lies, Made up in the form of bulletins, they do ; a service for their author which often, to a great extent, compensates | for the shortcomings of hia bullets Let us use our little bird’s eye as the lens of a peep-show, and take a look through it at the internal arrangements oad cconseny of this interesting workshop, whence the whole Russian empire derives its principal supply of the commodity which is necessary to its political existence; to wit, in Oriental phraseology, the thing which is not. The room, of which we are surveying the interior, does not look much like a blacksmith’s shop. There is too much carving and gilding about it; too many statues—of nude Venuses, many of them—too large a number of malachite vases in it for it in any measure to resemble that humble species of manufactory. ‘lhere are a few more books also, | and maps therein, than would probably be found in the best furnishea | apartment of even a master iron-founder. It is, in faet, a library. You see no fire in this forge ; that is in the stove; no bellows; and no anvils except tables, whereon lie inkstands, pens, quantities of paper, | and copies of the Zimes, Monileur, Punch, and all the leading journals of Europe. These periodicals, supplying correct news and truthful comments, form the raw materials, which are to be worked up into masses of quite a different looking substance for distribution. At each table sits a workman engaged in operating on the supply of facts before him. We remark that several of these yurers are decorated with ribbons and crosses: these are princes and other noble- men, of high civil and military rank. But our attention has been more particularly attracted by a tall stout personage, in a blue uniform and jack boots, who sits at a larger and handsomer table than the others, with despatches before him as well as newspapers, and whose chair is surmounted with the carved image of a nondescript of the feathered race, apparently meant for the Black Swan with Two Necks: only the bill is crooked, and the creature has a crown on either head, so that we understood it to represent the Rassian eagle. This gentleman is Ma. Nicwotas Romanorp, the proprietor of the establishment. You are struck with a singularly mild expression in his eyes; a tiger’s physiognomy is considered amiable by some people. Be thankful that you are not struck, nor ever likely to be, if we can help it, with the knout of which your mental vision may diseern the thong hanging out of this gentleman’s pocket. You observe that he wears a silver cross at his breast; yes, Ma. Romanorr is very devout, in the | orthodox Russo-Greek way, and sanctifies all his operations of business, especially his transactions in wholesale murder and robbery, necting them with that holy symbol. And now Ma. Romanorr, with | sorial midshipman, i hallowed work of his soups: i= Wititam, but added the more characteristic denomination of | | UetrBuck. his cross on his heart, is engaged in the for Nicuotas Romanorr is not so proud as to be above his trade. 178 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ' Now you see a workman, evidently somebody of rank, perhaps one of Mr. Romayorr’s own sons ; can it be Ma. Constantine Romanorr, alias the Graxp Duxe Coxstantine? No; it is Paryce Potisnorr: —— his desk, he walks up to Mz, Romanorr, Senior, with a sheet of oolscap ; like a schoolboy showing up his sum. The task which he in fact does show up is a piece of intelligence which has been allotted to him for alteration ond cobellicharnt. Ah! we perceive it is a version of the battle of Alma, in which two-thirds of the French and English are declared to have been killed, half of the other third to have been taken prisoners, and the remainder to have run away and fled before the face of Memsentxorr, whose signature is appended to the | document. See; Ma. Romayorr, senior, is looking over the perform- ance. Now he nods and smiles with approbation; a fact has exactly and adroitly falsified; mow he frowns and dashes his pen through a word: it is a blunder expressing a truth. On the whole he is pleased: and, dismissing the author, sends the manuscript by an attendant to be set up im a neighbourimg apartment wherein there is a printing-press, wolkal by a gang of pressmen from the office of the Invalide Russe, In a few moments the proof is returned to him for | correction. First, he holds it out at arm’s length, in a front aspect and then takes an oblique view of it from either side with a right and left inclination of the bead. He grins a little, and we seem to hear him chuckle. Yes; be thimks that will do, and having had the errata | in it amended, sticks it against the and retiring a pace or two indulges in a final gaze at its general , which is that of the most | wonderful deeeption ever praetised or exhibited. By means of fabrica- | tions of this sort, Mr. Romayorr is enabled to drive a roaring trade ; for they are sufficient to satisfy the requirements of his public, and he, | for his own part, does not care, so long as his public enables him to carry on the War. A GOOD BLOW-OUT FOR BARRISTERS. | Amonc the great Reforms contemplated by the Inns of Court is an | alteration in the price of the dinners, which is to be henceforth two- and-sixpence. As the dinners are at present the only qualification for a member of the Bar, we would throw out the suggestion, that by way of popularising the profession, authority might be granted to a number of respeetable eating-house keepers, to confer the degree of barrister on those who may have eaten and paid for a certain stipulated number of dinners at a certain price, to be hereafter agreed upon. We would pro that the dinner bills, regularly receipted, should be sufficient evidence of the dinners having been eaten, and paid for. As we are enemies to all monopoly, we cannot see why the mere consumption of thirty-six dinners at Ldeaure each should entitle the consumer to be called to the Bar if the dinners happen to have | been eaten in an Inn of Court; while the same amount of dinners | eaten and paid for at the Wellington, or Simpson’s, or even at a de- cently-eo' 8s ” confer on the consumer no professional standing whatever. We never could isely understand the principle on which dinner-eating is considered a neeessary Bene for a barrister; but it has just occurred to us, that the ievernent may be | a sort of guarantee that the power of jaw is satisfactory. SINOPE REMEMBERED. Where shall I be this time twelvemonths? is a wholesome thought for allofus. It might have oceu to ApmrraL Koanrorr a om ago, whilst he was doing the work of his master at Sinope, for which he now lies paid at Sebastopol. it ever occur to Nicnotas? Does this wicked old man ever reflect that after a lapse of a determi- nate number of seconds, few or —— person will be a mass of carrion, ora mummy? Then, for all the bloodshed and misery with which he has afflieted mankind, how mueh the be! ter will he be ?— how much the worse? Is this last a question ever propounded by this obstinate old savage to himself, in occasional intermissions of his habitual ferocity? We trust such may be the ease. Nicuotas is our enemy; but we hope he may some or seriously, and experience a change, as they say at Exeter H We also hope Sawney Beaw did, — Tuvrret, and Greenacre, and Rusu, before they came to be hanged. A Nice Name. Dr. Rae mentions that he was accompanied, in the Arctic Region ee by an Esquimaux interpreter named Wittiam Ovucirpuck. We should | like to know if that is the individual’s real mame. Very likely he so pronounces it and spells it so too, it he can spell; but considerimg what llation by whieh Mr. Oveiosuck was ch We suspect appe by con-| that he was indebted for that very suggestive distinction to some spon- of a facetious turn, who not only gave him the name ‘is the Esquimaux type of countenance, we doubt if that is the exact | christened. |

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PHILOSOPHICAL DRAMA. Oor readers need not be alarmed. We are not going into a mais | Tae Mayoralty of Moow has been long looked for by those who sition concerning the “ Stage in Germany ”—a subject which so alarmed the editors of the Antijacobin some years ago. We wish merely to offer a few suggestions with reference to some advertisements we met with lately. It seems that the proprietors of the Polytechnic and Panopticon are about to introduce dramatic readings and singsongs as part of their attractions—there can be no objection we should think to this. To unite the utile cum dulci has long been the wish of right- minded educationists, and there seems to be no reason why the crucible cum dulcimer should not be engaged im furtherance of scientific ion. That SuaxespzaRe knew anything of the Atomic theory, of the diffusion of gases, or of compound radicals, we may be permitted to doubt ; but a general notion of chemical laws he must have had. i allusion to the possibility of the dust of AtexawpeR altimately stopping a beer barrel is sufficient proof that he understood al! about the indestructibility of matter, while the familiar manner in which 7ouwchstone speaks of the retort “courteous” shows om the part of the author an acquaintance with chemical . Bat we do not intend to go into the question “did SuakesPeaReE understand Chemistry?” we leave that to Mr. Caarztes Kwyient, who can no doubt make the subject as clear as day. We merely wish, as we said before, to offer a few sugges- tions whieh we hope the proprietor of the Polytechnic will not think us precipitate in making at this early stage of the chemical drama ., We would respectfully hint that imstead of reading old S, new ones should be written and read—the plots laid in the labo- ratory; and scenes of thrilling interest might easily be got up with the

voltaic battery : the titles must be appropriate and taking. Lor instance, Margarite of Glycerine would be, as they say in the transpontine districts, a stunner; and if “written up to” with a purpese on the amusement and instruction plan, would be sure to take. Me. Perrer might make the reading of various quite simple, and if he could not reach the sublime, might at least achieve a sublimate. With passing remarks on the organic compounds, with an accompaniment on the piano, together with allusion to the connection between the treble and bass, and the tribasic phosphates, the thing would be sure to go off well. Evena “screaming” effect might be produced, when ladies are present, by the judicious introduction of a few explosions—*“ as part of the performance,” as JACK said. “The reduced Oxide, or I don’t care a Button,” would be a good title | for either farce@r t ; and with a few weil-seasoned remarks from | Mn. Perren, a good audience could not fail to be mustered. The Prince of Wales a Sailor. Tue young Prince, it is said, is about to enter the navy, and will take rank as lieutenant on board the line-of-battle ship the <d/éert, | christened after papa. His Royal Highness, it is said, is most impatient | to be before Caanies Keay’s tragedy at Windsor sets im with | its usual severity. We do not vouch for the accuracy of the statement, but are bound to give it as one very current at the ciubs. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. His belt, and the Great Bear w

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THE LORD MAYOR’S SHOW. have kept their eyes on the course of that great Civic Luminary, which originally rose from behind the shadow of a small counter in the city, and has at length reached its full in the vaulted dome of the Mansion | House. Expectation has been not only on tip-toe, but has seized the | stilts of imagination for the purpose of raising itself to the utmost height, with a view to the fortheoming Lomp Mayor’s Show, which it is supposed will be characteristic of the great lunar - that | is to s during the ensuing year in the City of London. _ In the first place it is suggested that the streets should be converted into a novel kind of milky way, by laying down chalk instead of gravel in the thoroughfares by whieh the procession will a and the figures of Goe and Macoe will be superseded by those of Oxion wearing his | wearmg his collar. ‘The state coach will, it is | hoped, be broken up for distribution in slices of gilt gingerbread among | the children of the poor, while the Lorp Mayor takes his seat iu CuanLes’s Wain, a conveyance worthy of the (ireat Moon’s dignity. Instead of the old mace, which with every jolt of the vehicle, has cndenqued Gp-ginives of the state-coach, or the head of the Mayor, it is proposed that stick of Lunar while the banner of his Lerdship shall be an Almanack, to tell the 8 age—a piece of information which, during the ensuing year, will unusual interest. The national air of the city for the next twelvemonths will be “ Rise, Gentle Moon,” and the favourite air of “ The Young May Moon is Beaming” will be played in compliment to the juvenile members of the ore ia an . t is expected ¢ population will be thoroughly “ Moonstruck ” om the ninth of November, and the City Treasurer will be instructed to be pas with the Moow’s is gus at the usual period. | Perhaps the most pong pert of the exhibition on Loap Mayor's lday will be the effeet of -light om the water, when the Loup | Mayor smiles on Thames with the radianee of his silver coun- |tenanee. We trust there will be many Moow-light nights of Mayoral hospitality at the Mansion House, and we have no doubt that instead | of being the subject of an eclipse, the Civie Moon will eclipse most of | those lesser luminaries who have twinkled heretofore in the vaulted | dome of Cockneydom. | He made of his cross a sword; Nicnotas Romanory, Scandalous, shocking, and shameful to say ! He made himself a sword of the cross he adered, So the proud Tyrant went canting away. Of the Bible he made a sham; Nicnotas Romanxory Quoted texts—as we know the old gentleman may. Of the Bible he made a sham—fanatic serfs to bam, So the proud Tyrant went canting away. Of the swindle he made a mess; Nicwo.as Romarory, Foiled in the trick he intended to play, Of the swindle he made a mess ; yet, in his wickedness, Still the proud Tyrant zoes canting away. A SCHOOLBOY’S SONG OF THE WAR. Evti possessed one man, Nicnotas Romayorr, Projects for robbing the Sultan to lay, Evil possessed one man: that’s how the war began, So the proud Tyrant went canting away. Controversy in the Crimea. We are glad to notice a new feature in theological controversy. poses together as the owls and the guinea-pigs in the happy amily. pir design is to contend with each other to the utmost im the mstruetion of the troops and the consolation of the sick and w d; and as t same thing, we wish The Tailor Non-suited. m all success. Tue NICOLL been returned, or rather sent back, by the electors, whose suffrages he solicited. Perhaps if the ex-sheriff resorted to bribery, and promised a w to every raseal who wouid sel! his vote, the result might have been otherwise. “ not men,” is aa old ery, but im this imstance the issue has proved that some men rejected, though | may be their “ measures” may be unimpeachable.

paletot interest has failed at Frome, and Mr. Dowaxp | the Remembraneer shal! carry a large |

| le en of various denominations are going out to the Crimea as | cehall ; : = doubtless mean well, and probably mean the |

| |

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ay ;4! { EVENING PARTY LONDON CHARIVARI. ~ gs Oe AT SEBASTOPOL. HINTS ON BABY SHOWS. A Crxcrnxati newspaper, describing the Baby Show, which was held | lately in Clark County, Ohio, remarks that in that interesting exhibition large and fat infants predominated, and states the weight of two of | those innocents, aged 4 and 5 months respectively, as 20 and 274!b. Should the American notion of prize babies be taken up in this country, we hope that too much of a point will not be made of fat in this description of stock. The fat cattle show, when the obesity of the | { is excessive, is in great part but an exposition of materials for | anima the melting pot ; but a mere fat Baby Show would not amount even to | that, and as it would be in no measure useful, so neither would it be | ornamental in the least degree. Tombstone angels, indeed, and stone- masons’ Cupids, are models of a corpulence which it is unpleasaut to contemplate in mere stone, and would present a still more disagreeable | appearance as wheezing and puffing masses of actual blubber. If it is distressing to witness the respiratory labours of a hypertrophied pig, how much more painful a spectacle of imminent suffocation must be | afforded by the babe half stifled with plethora ! We would therefore suggest that in the award of prizes, the absolute weight of a child should not alone be considered, but that regard should also be had to its specific gravity. Foran infant consisting principally of fat might, as _a mere lump, outweigh another infant of smaller size | | but of greater density, having its bone and muscle in a more forward | state of development. ‘To find the specific gravity of any J ou divide the weight of that body by the weight of an equal bulk of water. | The specific gravity of a baby would be readily ascertained by plunging it gently into a tub quite full of water over head and ears, collecting the water that ran over, weighing it, and dividing the positive weight of the child by the weight of the quantity of water so displaced. Water at 60 degrees of Fanrennetr is the standard for detefmining the specific gravity of ordinary bodies, but in the case of a baby, a rather higher temperature would be advisable: and then the process would | amount to no more than putting it into a warm bath, and giving a| salubrious and comfortable ducking to a little duck. Not erying, and freedom from catarrhal symptoms, as indicated by the nose, we would also recommend as qualities and merits to be specially taken into account in adjudicating on the claims of the infantile com- ee ee mi | | petitors: and we would propose that a special prize should be awarded | | to the baby that makes itself least frequently disagreeable to its male parent. In the event of a Baby Show being held at Baker Street Bazaar, | | or elsewhere in England, we also hope that a mistaken vanity will not dress the sucklings up in caps, which, in-doors, can only heat the brain, | and lay the foundation of fits and derangement of mind, whilst we trust on the other hand, that the limbs will be well and warmly clothed, and | | not left naked to attract admiration, catch cold, and acquire a tendency | to consumption and serofula. A tea service and salver of silver, or even of gold, should also be allotted for the largest family of children reared without sucking-pig, or recourse to Darry. By the way our Cincinnati contemporary does not say whether or no “ Mus. Jonnson ” was much in request at the American Baby Show. | ' LIVERPOOL ORANGES. Tue Orangemen of Liverpool have sent in an address to Lorp Ennts- KILLEN on the late railway horror. In this address, they meekly observe |to his Lordship that he may (with, doubtless, great self-consolation) | sing the following sweetly soothing — | | “ We'll bear, we'll hold the Orange name, Though bell oppose and earth deride ; | We'll keep the faith through fear and shame, | That faith for which our fathers died.” | Lorp Enniskruiey makes affectionate reply: the above, he says, is | |a lovely evidence “of true loyalty and sound religious truth.” He | then proceeds to denounce the Catholic religion as a creed that “ brings | | forth such fruits” as the late atrocity. This is very Christian-like. | Now we should be sorry, indeed, were the Protestant faith to be judged by such fruits as the Liverpool Oranges, things at once very green and | very bitter. But Lorp Ewn1skrLven pities the Catholics ; and to show his feeling for them, he compassionately—spits in their faces. Intsh Joun Buxiism.—Coolness under fire seems aa Irish _— -~ ae is also an lrish quality no less than an English, Welsb, and Scotch. ‘~ WAANFTAON CPSs ‘sown 7! "Ae WIAT

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SIR EDMUND LYONS GOING IN HIS BROUGHAM TO THE OPERA AT SEBASTOPOL. “The Agamemnon goes about in places where no line-of-battle Ship ever thought of going before. Sin Epwunp Lyons’s Brougham, as it is called, is not at all a bad name for her.”— Own Correspondent of the “ Times,” -_—— — = - ~ — —_—— oo 2 Novemper 4, 1854.) {[Puncn, No. 695.

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ae ee ee ee ae ter geen

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GREAT GRATUITOUS BREWERS. (To Justus Lreste.) crentiric Srr,—TI believe lg are partial to Arusorr’s P. and also that you have anal that beverage. You will therefore be sorry to hear that I have had a eir- cular sent me, signed SamueL ALLsorr anv Sons, announcing that those gentlemen have come to the decision to make an ad- vance of 6s. per barrel w their ales of Sain ou will likewise be in a position to inform me whether or not this augmentation was necessary: at least in regard to pale ale. In addition to the increased malt duty, “the almost total failure of the crop of hops” is assigned by Messrs. ALLSOPP as the reason for raising their ales. Supposing the necessity for that step to exist, I am glad to find that it is occasioned by these circumstances. The specific value of a glass of ale consists, | believe, scientific Sir, almost entirely (cost of ction excepted) in the aleohol and bitter extract which it contains: and in the bitter much rather than in the spirituous ingredi Now, can you tell me what are the quantities, respectively, of malt and hops represented by the strength and the bitterness of a glass of pale ale? Because I should like to know how many penn hs of hops and of malt { consume in swallowing a} pint of that fluid. So much, Messrs. Atisorr say, that the advance which has been made by them “will still leave” them “without any margin for profit.” At that rate, they have been giving their ale away now for some time, and intend continuing to supply us therewith gratis. cun be more liberal than this: and pale ale, offered at these omes a truly generous liquor. To you, however, [ look for those data, whereby alone I can be enabled to appreciate its generosity. Pray illuminate on that point your respectful irer, PULCH. P.S. I have heard it remarked by Law Students (from the country) that Ma. Justus Lieste ought to be a jolly good judge of beer. Nothin terms, THE GOVERNMENT EXAMINERS. Ir ars that the Examinations to which Candidates for Govern- | | ment Situations are now subjected, have proved dreadful stumbling | blocks to numerous young gentlemen, who felt an honourable ambition | | to receive the public money gant. We learn that out of some | 250 of these aspirants, only could acquit themselves respectably | before the Examiners. It must be admitted, however, that the ordeal | | is dreadfully severe, and a young man must devote himself to many | years of intense study before he has a chance of passing. We shudder | = think of what he is required to do. The tests are threefold. | | must, } First. Write a common business note, on a given subject. Secondly. Evince a knowledge of the first ~ of arithmetic. Thirdly. Take down a passage from some standard English author, from dictation. No wonder that in the presence of such requirements 220 young |, gentlemen broke down, and we hear that out of the 30 who succeeded | in passing through the frightful trial 25 have since been laid up by| their exertions and the exeitement ; have been interdicted by their | doctors from reading anything heavier than Sir AgcaIBALD ALISON even | if they can find it, and the other two have resigned their salaries and | been superanruated. We hope that official pedantry will not be per- mitted to pursue this inhuman system Jonger, but that the sons of | our influential classes will once more, as heretofore, be admitted to the | situatious to which their birth entitles them, without submitting to | this ruinous and tyrannical treatment. We have had a bateh of the Examination Papers sent to us, and as one fact is better than a thou. | | sand arguments, we shall strengthen the case of these oppressed —— @ thousand fold, by printing the result in one case. The | ls may excite a smile on the lip of the heartless, but certain we are that no hater of oppression, no person with his heart in the right | place, no loather of tyranny will read them without a burning blush | upon his brow to think that in the nineteenth century, &c. &c. | Atemryow Ciaups Frrzmonwtacus Vernon Bort, Esq, Examined on the 5th of October. Desired to write a business note. To signify to a tradesman—say builder—that some of his c for fons Md objectionable, } others were fair—that he had better refer to his original agreement meet the writer's agent, and revise his demand, after which it should satisfied, aie (He wrote as follows) :— Dear Sir, (But remarking that he was writing to a snob, said he wasn’t going to call him dear, smeared the See another sheet.) a} , | or Bucerys” (“ Perhaps that’s better. Another sheet, old ellow”’). “ Buaerws,—You must be a foel to think I am going to submit to your infernal extortion, A whole lot of your charges are downright swindling, and no mistake, Master Buoetws. You'd better rub up your memory a bit about our bargain, and go and talk to Screwman, and what he says is right 1’! abide by, but confound your cheating. “ Pimlico, Tuesday.” “Yours, &c., A. C. F. V. B.” “T suppose that is about the thing,” said Max. Bort, handing it in; don’t see that the thief can mistake that.” Informed that the tone of the note was less civil than is usual in business, and that he must write as if addressing a respectable man. . (He wrote as follows) :— “Sir,—I beg to state that you are obnoxious, (“ No, I don’t mean that Ae is. We'll try again”). “ Sir,—I beg to state that your charges are obnoxious, some of them that is to say, and I must admit that | think you are quite inconsistent in regard to your conduct, because we agreed quite, different to what you put down in your bill, and must be revised and corrected. If you will be so good as to take the trouble of calling upon Mra, Screwman, and point out the reductions which ought te be made, according to what we settled, and oblige * Yours obediently “ Pimlico, Tuesday. “A.C. F.V.B. “PS. After he and you have put it correct, of course you may have your money.” Mr. Borr declined making another epistolary attempt, stating that the last was the best he could do, and quite civil and elear. The Leeqminers then proceeded to the second head. « « Asked to write, in figures, ten thousand and nineteen, Result. 10901. sult of second attempt, 1000019. Asked to subtract £196 \1s. 3d. from £205 Ts, 6d. Result stated by Mr. B. at £401 188. 9d. Asked to divide 375 by 9. Result stated ly Mn. B. at 417, Being requested to explain the process, he said that nine in thirty-seven went 4, one over ; nine in fifteen L, and 7 over, which of course made 4\7, The Examiners pr d to the last head. Read passage from Gnar’s “ Bard,” and Mua. Borr requested to write from dictation, (He wrote as follows :—) * Ruin sees thee, roofless King. Confusion on thy manners. Wait. Though Faswy conquers crimson wing, They sing the air in an idle state. Helmet nor hawbuck’s vested male, Nor the virtuous Tyrant shall prevail i soul from knightly fears, G abi ? Over the army of Kina Epwanp tue Frast, __ down the steep (Mn. B. to himself, “ some hitch here,””) eame marching down Snowdon to Gloucester stood agast and speechless in a trance To his arms came Montimer quivering —— Mr. Borr here handed in the document, remarking that there war something more about a couch being launched, but protesting against the Examiner going over the last part too fast for a fellah to follah that had never heard the stuff before. Oxpenev.—Intimation to Aternyon C.F, V. Bort, Esqurns, that he is not at present qualified for » Government situation. By me Boanp. ° Stand at Ease. We hope that as the uniform of the Army is to be changed, and our troops are to have re-dress for their grievances, the authorities will cause the tailors to take at once the necessary measures.

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\ niacin machuctjeieate Saher a 0 by Sl PRIME aan 184 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON THE NIGHTINGALE’S SONG TO THE SOLDIER, Listew, soldier, to the tale of the tender NiGuTINGALF, "Lis a charm that soon will ease your wounds so cruel, Singing medicine for your pain, in a sympathising strain, With a jug, jug, jag of lemonade or gruel. SICK Singing bandages and lint; salve and cerate without stint, Singing plenty both of liniment and lotion, And your mixtures pushed about, and the pills for you served out, With alacrity pot promptitude of motion. Singing light and gentle hands, and a nurse who understands Ilow to manage every sort of application, From a poultice to a leech; whom you haven’t got to teach The way to make a poppy fomentation, Singing pillow for you smoothed, smart and ache and anguish soothed, By the readiness of feminine invention ; Singing fever’s thirst allayed, and the bed you ’ve tumbled, made, With a careful and considerate attention. Singing succour to the brave, and a rescue from the grave, Hear the NigutinGa.e that’s come to the Crimea, ’Tis a NIGHTINGALE as strong in her heart as in her song, To carry out so gallant an idea. |THE BOTTLE-HOLDER AND THE BOTTLE OF SMOKE. Mr. Puncu, M.P. happened to remain late in the House of Commons one night last year. He had promised his vote to Lonp PaLMerston, on the Smoke Bill. Curiously enough, instead of going up-stairs into one of the quiet and sheltered nooks at the end of the gallery, and taking / an instalment of his night’s rest, until the division should be called, | Mr. Punch actually listened to the debate, as respectfully (to outward appearance) as if he could learn anything from an He has called the time night—but the weary clock, staring hard into! Mr. Speaxen’s face, reminded him, savagely, that it was a quarter past two. The public knows little of what happens in the Nether House | when the “little hours” come on. Reporting is over, and the desultory chat of the National Dustmen (whose number has then dwindled to that of the occupants of certain jars in the Ali Baba story, or even to that of certain Pieces of Silver whereof we have héard) is wisely compressed | by the Gallery into a brief note, that “the Bill was read a second time.” For, though the cackle of geese might save the country, Editors prefer, by omitting it, to save the morning mails. Sometimes, however, the better men whom official red-tape ties to the Treasury bench until the word “adjourn” cuts the fetter, come out, | at that uncontrolled hour, with denuded truths ary mf feel compelled | sya shrewd thing—recently recalled to Mr. Puach's mind. to drape, very jealously, during the period of set speech and watchful stenography. Andon the Smoke Bill aforesaid did Loap Patwerston y in that assembly. | CHARIVARL | The Bottle-holder had determined that the Bill should pass through a stage that morning, and the way in which he fi his open hand }upon air, as presenting his palm for a hand-shake fore the fight, | testified to the observant that he meant business. Nevertheless one or | two members resisted— Vested Interest in stench, and bone-grubbing, and poison, was duly represented—and progress with the measure was deprecated. One Voice from the Chimney croaked out, with soot in his throat, that the proposed prevention of smoke was “ impossible.” “T have not the least—~a—a—doubt in the world,” said the Viscount, rising,“ that what the honourable member says is perfectly true. 1 have had the—a—a—honour of a seat in this House for a good many years. [| have seen a good many impossibilities, I am certain that it is quite impossible for people to consume their smoke instead of poisoning their neighbours with it. But I am equally certain that if Parliament will only enact that people sha// consume their smoke instead of poisoning other people with it, they will find it the easiest thing in the world. I move, Sir, that the Bill be read a second time.” And it was—and speedily passed. Months went by, and no particular heed was given to the Smoke Act, save by those immediately interested. Certain Gunpowder Smoke, caused by a more pestilential nuisance on the banks of the Neva, made us forget the black clouds on the banks of the Thames. But the Act was being worked, and Mr. Punch has just read a paragraph, of which the following is the essence. “ Consomprion or Smoxe.—At the Court of the City Commissioners of Sewers, on | Tuesday, Mr. H. L. Tayvor stated that about twelve months ago Messrs. CALveRt, the great brewers, came to answer a c-mplaint made against them for not having used effectual means for the Consumption of the Smoke of their premises. The explanation given at the time was not satisfactory, but additional time was granted. The difficulty has been overcome. The consumption of smoke in this extensive concern has not been attended with the expense which was anticipated by the proprietors. Un the contrary, the improvement has been accomplished by the judicious application of the stokers’ duties and the fuel alone. The whole of the smoke-consumiog mystery was referrible to the state of the furnaces and the conduct of the stokers. It was a great advantage | to the community to be aware of that important fact, as there could now be no excuse sor the filthy discharges of smoke from the extensive manufactories in the metropolis, They , could all banish the nuisaace by the most simple and cheap process.” Lorp Patmerston has a good deal to attend to just now, and | therefore Mr. Punch has not asked his lordship to call in Fleet Street and | be congratulated upon the literal fulfilment of his prophecy. Indeed Mr. Punch prefers to bear this public testimony to his noble friend’s foresight. Rod he begs to notify to ali whom it may concern, that as a | voyage from Chelsea to Blackfriars will prove to the most careless Eye and the dullest Nose that the “filthy discharges” above mentioned still continue in unremitting plenitude of abomination, there is “no | excuse ” for any of the authorities who shall neglect or delay to pursue the offenders with all legal rigour and vigour. Meantime he drinks the | health of the reformed Catvenrts in a tankard of their best. to him to have a richer smack of healthful raciness now that it is manufactured without poisoning the atmosphere, THE BLESSING OF THE RUSSIAN OLD GENTLEMAN. Tue reserve of the Russian Imperial Guard—according to the Presse It seems | —witnessed, the other day at St. Petersburg, a touching spectacle. | Our Parisian contemporary says : “The Emperor reviewed them, and availed himself of the opportunity to bless at the head of his troops the two Grand-Dukes Micuaget and Nicnwo.as, who, it is said, are to join the activearmy. The benediction took place with much pomp. The two | | Grand-Dukes went on their knees to receive it, and all the troops also knelt.” | Pious souls! An edifying scene, doubtless ; of thirty thousand and odd pairs of eyes, nothing to be seen but the whites. Solemn silence ; |the tongue of every man present thrust into his cheek, except the |Czar’s—that being employed in invoking Heaven’s grace and bene- | diction on his offspring: sons of rapine and murder. One does not ‘envy MicuarL and young Nicuoxas, their father’s benison. “The blessings of the evil Genii, which are curses, were upon him,” are words that would, one fancies, be evermore running in the ears of anybody | that had been blessed by Op Nick. Legal Intelligence. A PARAGRAPH has appeared on the subject of the small amount of business pending in Westminster Hail, which includes only “three new trials.’ We are authorised to add that there will be a fourth, consisting of a “ new trial,” which Mr. Brier.ess is about to make to | obtain a living by his profession. It is however probable that this new trial will not swell the number mentioned in the official list, for the | new trial in question will not appear in the paper. There are only “three cases set down for judgment,” but we understand that the | Benchers of one of the Inns of Court being about to Jay in champagne, | have recently ordered “ a case for judgment.” Oxrorp Mixture.—Puseyism.

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| caiitiaianin 4 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 185 THE BATTLE OF THE ALMA, AS FOUGHT) AT ASTLEY’S. (By Our own Correspondent” —that is to say, the little gentleman in| \ black, who represents the Press in the new Military Spectacle.) Havre provided my- self with a note-book, an umbrella, and an/| eye-glass, which I in- variably kept fixed in my eye, I proceeded to Southampton to witness the embarka- tion of the British troops, and to secure a passage to Gallipoli. | Alma. essed | aaa For this latter pur- pose, I addr myself to a private soldier, who though he proved the tender- ness of his nature by the affectionate ‘\, manner in which he bade farewell to his! sweetheart, had evi-| dently no great re- spect for the profes- sion of literature. He introduced me to the | Commander -in-Chief as a “thing called a ) penny-a-liner,” while another individual stated that I was a “ sillywillain.” He evidently meant “ ci- | vilian,” bot whether his corrupt manner of pronouncing the word | jproceeded from gross ignorance or a spirit of illiberal sarcasm, I cannot | tsay. The Commander-in-Chief was, on the whole, an agreeable sort of gentleman, though somewhat grandiloquent. So much importance did he attach to my presence, that after haranguing his soldiers, he delivered an oration on horseback for my exclusive benefit, warning me to tell the truth in my report, and to take care of Russian bullets. I need not occupy you with the passage to Gallipoli, but [ must hasten to remove the impression you may have received concerning that much-abused town. You have heard it described as an abode of ‘poverty and dirt, in fact, as a city of pig-sties. Nothing can be further from the fact. So luxurious is Gallipoli, that the municipality, at its 7 wn expense, supports a company of opera-dancers, for the gratuitous ote sor of illustrious strangers. A very agreeable pas de trois was — by some young ladies, symbolizing Hnglaod, France, and Curkey, much to the delight of the Allied Forces, who were stationed around to contemplate the grace and agility of the fair artistes, While at Gallipoli I made the acquaintance of an intelligent Irish- man, who became my inseparable companion during the rest of the expedition. Although on the most intimate terms with him, I never could exactly make out to what regiment he belonged, for while he wore the new military habiliment, he never attached himself to any corps, but perpetually carried on a little war against the Russians on his own account, preferring the use of the shillelagh to that of the musket. It was in the company of this imtelligent individual, that after my arrival in the Crimea, I performed a deed that perhaps has some little claim to immortality. Some ruffianly Cossacks had seized upon a cart belonging to some Crimean market-women (who, by the way, looked far above their station), and ransacked its contents. These miscreants were throwing away the vegetables, eating some candles that formed part of the luggage, and binding the women, when the sudden appearfince of my friend and myself put an end to the ruffian’s proceedings. He was armed with his aceustomed shillelagh ; 1 had my pistol and my umbrella, which, though tattered to an extreme degree, was a formidable weapon in a vigorous hand. ‘he contest was decidedly in our favour, for we restored the terrified beauties to their place in the cart, and bound the ill-favoured marauders to the eart’s tail. Shortly after this exploit, I found myself somehow or other—(how, I cannot precisely say) within the walls of a Russian prison, together with my Hibernian friend, a private in a Highland regiment, and a facetious sailor. With these also I had been in habits of intimacy during my journey, and you will observe generally that, with a view of | studying c ter, 1 selected my associates rather from the humbler | than the more aristocratic ranks of military life. appeared; for it made me acquainted with Prixce Menscurxorr, who is, on the whole, rather a jolly sort of person, with nothing of the diplomatist in his appearance. He walked among us in a rollicking sort of manner, indulging in pleasantries of a somewhat rough, but by © means ill-natured kind. Wit he does not greatly appreciate, for when, objecting to a diet of tallow-candles and train-oil, I delicately told him that | could not think of “taking all the fat of the land, and |leaving all the lean to the Russians,” he neither took the hint, nor applauded the neatness of the sarcasm. Never did I so clearly perceive the truth of the proverb, that warns us not to measure other men’s corn by our own bushel, than during the time of my incarceration. The Russians, high and low, evidently eat nothing but what in our country is needed by the chandler and the soap-boiler. To this I do not obiect—let them eat what they like. But I do say it is a hardship on British prisoners that are forced to live on such repulsive fare. As for my t \ and myself, we were so disgusted with the cuisine of the prison, that we knocked down the guard and set ourselves at liberty, in time to see the Battle of the the scene of this glorious action is ealled “the Alma,” J had fliculty in understanding. The definite-article seemed to denote a river, but though | made the most minute survey, nothing like water of any kind could [ discover. The heights are approached by a kind of table-land, which is connected by a gentle deelivity with a curious round hollow. ‘This is more like a dried-up lake than anything else, and is called the “ Cir-kuss” or “ Cir-kass,” probably from the belief that this country was once inhabited by Circassians. My classical studies coming to my mind, I soadiiostall the legend of Alpheus and Arethusa, and then it struck me that the Alma might perchance be a subterranean stream. I made some imquiry on this subject of a native im a fustian jacket, who told me that the imelined _—~ con- necting the table-land with the Cir-cuss, went over the “ Or-kees-tra,” whieh is com y ed. “Or-kees-tra” is doubtless the bar- barie name which the Tartars of the Crimea have substituted for the more elegant “ Alma.” ; The Allied Army in making the attack, first entered the Cir-cuss by an aperture in its circumference, and then steadily advanced up the inclined plane, till a few of them were repulsed by a party of Cossacks, who kept them in the Cir-cuss while their comrades were engaged on the table land. L could not help admiring the order and amity, with which the fight in the Cir-cuss was carried on, The combatants crossed their weapons, and then their horses went round and round an imaginary point, without any one making the slightest attempt to wound his adversary. At last the Cossacks (why, 1 do not know) considered themselves defeated, and retreated up the inclined p'ane, followed by the Allies, who joining their companions took the heights without further difficulty, At this moment, a curious natural phe- nomenon might be observed. The atmosphere, which during the battle had retained its usual no-colour, became of a brilliant red hue as soon as the victory was complete. 1 asked my friend in fustian the cause of this phenomenon, when he told me drily, that “it gave effect to the ab-lo”—a native expression, which conveyed to me no meaning whatever. However, that some English words, even of an idiomatic kind, have crept into the Crimea, was amply proved by the shout which was raised by the inhabitants when the triumph of the Allies was complete. At first there was a general ery of “Cook!” which could only mean that the goose of the Russian army was “cooked” by the Allied Forces. Then followed acry of “ West!” clearly a tribute of admiration and gratitude to the Western Powers. This fact demonstrates beyond a me the sympathy felt for the Expedition by the ‘Tartars of the rimea. Invitation to the Ball. We read in the 7imes that, at the Battle of Alma, the Russians displayed “no ensign, eagle, or standard of any kind,” and that they made the British colours a special mark for their rifles. Colours are inappropriate in the war with Nicuo.as. Constables’ staves would serve as well for rallying points, and would be more suitable to the work in hand. It does seem worse than absurd to sacrifice the lives of brave soldiers to a taste for colours, which, however splendid, can only exhibit a tint of mere greenness to the enemy. ving! vime! Fine! A Russtan Bulletin states that “the Allies had begun to bombard Sebastopol, but the fire was not sustained.” We should faney not. The eqmbination of French and English fire is not easily sustained by a must have found that it made Sebastopol rather too hot to hold them. Tue Guarpraw Awcet or Russta.— Why is a certain port of Russia ; ealled Archangel? Probably the Archangel, honoured by the appropri- My imprisonment was not such a misfortune as, at first sight, it ationof his name, is that one who is said to have Sr. Micwar..

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186 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Xi Wi > \) " Cc wa © a ) A PRETTY GENERAL OPINION. Vr. Kiddlums. “Wet, EvrizanetH—I HOPE WE SHALL HAVE HERE—AND THEN—I FLATTER MYSELF = = ad > PET PIGS AT LEICESTER. Tur Leicester Mercury contains a pleasant paragraph, headed “ Tue Pic Question”; whence it appears that a crusade has been instituted by the Local Board of Health against the Hogs, whilst the crusaders have been strenuously resisted by the Hogs-in-Armour. We are informed that :— “ Ata numerous meeting held at the George Hotel, on Tuesday, an association was formed for the Protection of Persons Keeping Swine, when upwards of 100 members paid their subseriptions, and joined the association, with a full determination of resisting the proceedings of the Local Board of Health.” The immediate objects of this Association seem to be the defence of any of its members who have been persecuted for the sake of their pig-sties hy being prosecuted for a nuisance ; and the prevention of any burgesses from being elected to the town council who “are opposed to the keeping of swine.” Nobody is opposed to the keeping of swine ata reasonable distance from his nose; and the burgesses considered ob- jectionable by the swinists can only be considered so for being opposed to the keeping of pigs among the houses of Leicester. Whether the pig-party go so regularly the whole hog as to excommunicate muni- cipally all their fellow citizens who are averse to pigs in the parlour, is a question to be asked, considering their enthusiasm on the score of the pig, indicated by their concluding toast ; viz :— , ‘May the opponents of swine never eat a pork pie, see a ham, chew a bit of bacon, of taste a delicate morsel of sucking pig.” Chew a bit of bacon; what strength of expression!—worthy of philosophers feasting on the Norum Organon. Of course the opponents of swine would be opposed to pork pies, or pig in any shape ; but with- out opposing swine as we should oppose wolves, we should think the most devoted pig-fancier would grant that we might oppose their claims | We are further told that similar | to the privileges of cats and spaniels. meetings have been held in Coventry; and we can only say that we will never march through Coventry with any parties who would wish to make its streets in the state they would be brought to if pigs were permitted to run about in them. wa AN ep IMPORTANT MEETING. TO THE (FEMALE) HEADS OF FAMILIES. At alarge meeting of the bair-dressers and corffeurs, lately held in the Burlington Areade—and at which Monsrevkr Feuix, “le diew de la Coiffure,’ was unanimously voted into the hair-cutting chair--it was resolved that, with a view of upholding the true interests of the profession, a League be founded to oppose la rage that was at present so deplorably manifest among all English ladies in having their hair dressed, no matter whether it was becoming to them or not, in the same style as the Empress Evoénre. Such a stupid system should at once be torn up by the roots. Accordingly the following resolution was carried without a single comb being raised against it: “That for the future, no true-minded Coiffeur, or Artiste | en Cheveux, having a proper respect for himself, or for the glorious Art, of which he is an humble instrument, should allow himself to dress 4 [ Impératrice any head of hair that is put into his hands, labourmg under the following primd facie ridiculous disqualifications. “T. All young ladies, who have already reached the age of forty. “TI. All young ladies, who have pug noses, pink eyes, white eyelashes, and low foreheads. “TIL. All young ladies, whose eyes are not perfectly regular, or who wear spectacles. “TY. All young ladies, whose locks are decidedly of a vermilion hue, or of an auburn rather more than suspect. “ V. All young ladies who may be entrusted with the care or education of young children, as it would only put == foreign notions into the heads of their young charges, that they will learn quite soon enough as they get older. “VI. And, lastly, all young ladies whose positions, or complexions, are not exactly suited for such an imperial style of head-dress, as it only tends to attract notice that, in all phases and faces, may not be exactly favourable, or complimentary.” EEE Wiz blocks, illustrative of the varions disqualifications enumerated, were exhibited, and afforded general amuse- A Prize Bary Saow ment to the distinguished Coifeurs who composed the - >? 4 | meeting. RELICS IN STORE FOR RUSSIA. Tae Cardinal Vicar of Rome, the other day set the people to worship the heart | of St. Roc... The Russian Church | venerates Saints equally with the | Romish; and if it offers the same | adoration to their relics, the viscera, | probably, of that great philanthropist and benefactor of the human race, St. Nicnotas Romanor?, will come to be worshipped oye of these days. | Anticipating the canonisation of the Czar, we recommend the future wor- shippers of his “inwards” to devote their pious attention to his stomact, which has undergone the trial of digesting so many defeats; and his | liver, the disturbance of whose bile (preternatural of course) first insti- gated him.to undertake his crusade. We fancy we see the Imperial biliary organ prepared after the manner of specimens at the College of Sur- | geons; and a crowd of adorers piously ogling the hepatic arteries, | or gazing in rapture on the ramifi- cations of the Vena Porte. For the | happiness of mankind, the sooner this anticipation is realised the better. | Goosey, Goosey, Gander. } Constpertne the impudence of a certain Ex-Sheriff in offering him- | self as a candidate for a Seat in Parliament, we beg to propose that the | words “ Nicout the only Substitate for Brass,” shall be adopted by way of amendment to “ Nickel the only Substitute for Silver.” . rs a : -. os " rer. bots Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Perish of St. Pereras and Frederick Mallet Evans, of N >». 27, Victoria Street, in the Parish of St. Mar caret and St. Joho, West air s°e ; in the County of Middlesex, Printers, at their (fice in Lombard Street, in the | recia +t of Whitefriars, in the City of Leadon, aud Published by them at No. %, Pieet Street, in the Pa ish of St. Bride, in lgo4. the City of London.—Satuapar, November 4,

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| } | | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 187 AN OLD FOGEY CLUB. Amone the rubbish that ly falls into our hands jevery week, is a lithog prospectus of a proposed “Putney Club,” the object of which is to bring together |“ all old Putney men.” Why it should be more desirable to collect the veterans of Putney than the veterans of Chelsea, Kensington, or any other suburb, we are at a loss to conceive ; and indeed, if the object is only to get together | @ mass of senile imbecility we think Kensington, is the place | best adapted to furnish the materials of such a combination | of age and incapacity. it is desirable to start an Old Fogey Club, why should the Old ay og which constitutes a qualification for membership claimed exclusively for the “Old Putney Men,” when there are old Greenwich men, old Chelsea men old pton men, old Kensington men, aye! and old women too, that would constitute such a phalanx of suburban —— as might make the veteranship of Putney hide its diminished head in the very first Welsh wig or cotton | nighteap that it could catch hold of. We perceive that | the rules are well adapted to the aged classes for whom , | the club is designed, as all the members are expected to be , \ \\ 2 ‘ |in bed by eleven, We fear, however, that it will not be = ; = | popular with the old ladies; as “ spirituous liquors” are to - y "3 \ | ooo = Homage to the Drama. | Ayorner Dramatic Petition, infinitely more numerous! | signed than that presented to Mu. G. V. Brooxe, will shortly be quentel to an eminent tragedian, who performs within 500 miles of Oxford Street. It has already received the signatures of all the Clubs, Libraries, Readmg-rooms, | and Literary and Mechanics’ Institutions in the Metropolis ; and it is to be hoped that, representing, as it does, the united intelligence of London, it will be crowned with the desired effect. ‘The object of the Petition is, we need hardly say, to beg of the eminent tragedian who performs within | 500 miles of Oxford Street, as he loves the Drama and | values his reputation, to have the kindness to leave for | Australia as soon as he possibly can. DISTRESSING EFFECT OF ENGLAND’S! ROUGH HOSPITALITY | UPON ONE OF THE ELEGANT GUIDES. Tue Famity Heratp.—A Monthly Nurse. | even an electric message to the respectable gentlewoman who keeps, as 9% I hear | about as moral as to pick a private pocket ; Mr. Punch feels this: what as our first meeting. (as L’ve heard our Castle called) supported me, and it wasn’t until I’d FROM WINDSOR TO ST. PETERSBURG. senenet Oe maids’ room that, with the brooch in my hand, I dropt in Mr. Puxcu has been solicited by th sted housekeeper of | * chair “he any stone! Windsor Castle to give insertion to "the ‘coheed letter ‘Giogutched May it please your Majesty, I wasn’t myself for a week ; nor, in- cia Prussia, and favoured by Prussia’s king) to the Emperor Nicuo.as. “eed, were any of us. Your Imperial affability turned the whole place Behe crn neg mie, A, Ph me fee oe | Pisa ek en eel ew ep tos nertss renee pe: whom | won’? name, any further than by pointing to the highest lady in the land), when you took leave of us, not a soul knew whether the stood upon their head or their heels. It took me more than a wee to come to anything like myself ; you put us all—as I heard one of the Epmunp Burke says, “ Windsor’s proud keep,” to have the document duly authenticated. The letter, for aught Mr. Punch knows, may have been furtively obtained from the writing-desk of its authoress; a copy of it may have been taken on the way to its destination, the more es- boxes. Not but what, as I’ve said before, cially if the env were superinecribed “ private and confidential.” « Equerries was heard a such a heaven of presents; a perfect ce o ith this, Mr. Pusch, as a public editor, has nothing to do. Mr. Punch ?27adise of rings and sui can ome a tet, to Ce Fost of his eyesight, the letter—(at least Acs wee May it h a oy oe copy )—1s - i i | ay it please your jesty,— ever forget, py hograp © print a purely private letter may be y r. “ , , T've’ been used to royal blood, being te then? He s down his feelings with a hand Vv in the Castle, t ritis —as L’ve heard my mother say himself to the requirements of the public. — on Covet waving over my cradle! \’ve been used, I say, to royal blood from a | baby upwards, and have had to see things set to rights for crowned To the Emperor or att THE Russias from the Hovsexzzrer or | heads of both sexes, with the rest of their royal families. Bat when [ ALL Wixpsor Caste. = called up to your imperial Majesty, my teeth did chatter, and I elt in a twitter. “ May It PLease rour Masesty, 1 YOU PLEASE, “There was the state-bed—and the pains I’d taken about it, bran-new : “T nave | had a burden in my bosom which is @ brooch. | damask, with the Russian eagle in dead gold at the head and the tester When your Imperial jesty did us the honour of a visit here at —the state-bed ; and there stood your Majesty. I see your Majesty st indsor, there wasn’t a heart you didn’t leave with your picture behind this very minute. ‘ A soldier’—you said— my heart fluttered like you. You did me the honour od when you did it, if I didn’t think I, 4 whole cage of little birds—‘a soldier sleeps anywhere. There I shall should have died with astonishment ; and should, I’m certain, but for’ sleep,’ and as you said this, you Vn goat with your imperial finger to a the mild eyes (not that saving your presence I’|! ever believe in eyes | folding bedstead, in old tron, that been taken out of a portmanteau, again )—the a in the royal head that looked so gracious on me; and covered with a mattrass in Russian leather. There you slept, and the sweet gs lnenent a any baby’s weaned on milk Coes Dest SANs ugee Me bed ef stale and your owa enaies in gold n on your royal —. a : y it please your Majesty, when you went away, ‘hat very) “ ‘The Empgnon or Russta’—said I to myself when I’d got into morning you = me with your own hand a brooch as you said as a| my own room—‘ the Empgnon or Russia’s @ downright Christian if small reward for my attention. I shall never forget our lofty manner | ever Empgnor or Russia was!’ And upon that bedstead, and on that Genk in my hand, I} Russian leather, your Majesty slept every night, and the state bed was and your faves y words. When you put the ‘thought should have fainted : but then the thoughts of proud Wi: never so much as rumpled. What a lowly heart—I was always thinking VOL, XXVII. U |

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" . : = é + samp) ase ss a te a > Battin yr ‘ae me aise in hee : going nobleman as ever slept), and smiled in scorn. | with Bagland / 188 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. to myself—and although a mighty Emperor, after all what a rea/ gentleman / “Your Lmperial Majesty went away, and there wasn’t a dry eye in Windsor. You might ¢ walked over us in your boots, and hardly a soul but would have blessed your spurs. I’m bold enough to write this, to show you what you ’ve Jost ; to bring you back to the paths of virtue and peace, if 1’m not too bold in mentioning such things to your Majesty. “ A small reward for my attention! They were your Royal words, when you pat the brooch into my hand. Small or otherwise, it was more than enough for my deserts; for what had I done, but seen that your Majesty’s Russian leather bed was shaken, and your pillow smoothed |! Still, that brooch I carried in my bosom ; and still, what- ever | heard against you, 1 believed in Lorp Aneapeen (as steady- You go to war The Ewpraon Nicuonas that had given Ais arm to our gracious (Ju neN, and smiled so with his mild eyes at every word— he to draw the sword, and flourish it in the face of Her blessed Masesty. He who had slept upon our tron bedstead—slept sweetly as | any baby—under the banner of Royal Windsor,—he to bring his| Cossacks into the Castle, and to give us all up to the proud invader / “No, your Lmperial Majesty, [ wouldn’t believe it. I read the speeches of Lonp ABeRpDeeN—upon my word and honour every word of ’em—and was I not a female, would say, [ still swore by you. When people here called you names, I would look down upon the brooch in Pag | my bosom, and just pity ’em. sut the scales have fallen from mp.cree, and now I see the ¢ruth, I’ve struggled, but at Jast give up. hotter, and at last began to scorch and burn me like burning coal. I | began at first to think I couldn’t wear it without being a traitor to my | Royal Mistress wherever he may come from!)—but now have snatched the 4urning | return the garter / (I hope she’ll never believe in an Emperor again, “(Paince PickLeneRRInceR, one of the Cousin-Germans to the Kine or Prussia, has promised to get his Royal Master to send the brooch back to you. And so I ’ve done my duty to my Queen, Windsor Castle, my country, and myself /) “And pow, Nicuotas—for I’ve dropped the Emperor, and come without ceremony /o ‘he man—now, NicHo.as; tremble and be warned by what I’m guving to tell you. Last night as ever was I had a dream. I thought you were once again im the Castle; I thought you’d once again gone to bed upon the old irom: aud I t I was neither asleep nor awake ; nor full-dressed, nor but as I may say between the two. And then I dreamt T went ri asleep, when I was awoke, as I thought still in my @ dreadful smell of something burning—burning like roasti dreaming, I jumped up, my flannel gown—(which in case of Lalways have)—wrapped about me, and went with great presenee of mind to your room ! “ Nicuoxas, there you lay, upon that iron bedstead : every bit of the iron, red-hot ! There you lay, and your teeth, and looked at me, aud couldn’t sveak outright, but L thought you said something that sounded like Sigh No Pay—Sigh No Pay ; as much a. as to say that no amount of sighs were then of any use. ell, the bedstead still glared redder and redder, and you seemed turning into tinder,— when I thought all the dead gold eagles from the state bed gave, with their double heads, a double seream, and I, trying to scream also—I | then awoke! = : “ Nicnonas, think of the irom bedstead that a wicked Emperor’s sins | may, at his last hour, make red hot, and | j hat brooch has got hotter and | | “ Believe me, “ Still your Well-wisher and Adviser, “Tue HovseKEEreR.” “P.S. As I’ve sent back the brooch, don’t Your banner still hangs in St. George’s Hall, but, | thing away, and return into your Majesty’s hands the snake I have too since the war—I don’t know what can have put it in their heads—the long warmed. flies have used it shockingly.” think you'd better ; HUSH, BOYS, HUSH! BY AN ENRAGED MUSICIAN. Hlusu, boys, hush! pray do give over singing That plaguy tune, pray hold your tiresome breath : That song for ever in my head is ringing, And very soon will worry me to death. I do not quarrel with its sense or grammar, But that perpetual air annoys my ear, Ring, ding, ding, ding, and hammer, hammer, hammer, Oh what a horrid bore is Cheer! boys, Cheer! Hush, boys, hush! that song desist fiom shouting ; Hush, boys, hush! oh cease to make that noise ! Hush, boys, hush! I cannot stand it longer, Hush, boys, hush! be quiet can’t you, boys ? Hush, boys, hush! especially Italian, Who that hack tune from morn to midnight grind, Far, far away, move on, each young rascalion, ou ’!] drive me, else, completely out of mind. Butchers’ boys, too, at area gate attending, Whistle no longer that tormenting strain ; And let me never hear that never ending Measure, you idle bakers’ boys, again. Hush, boys, hush! you vagabonds, you varlets, Hush, boys, hush! or make some other noise ; Hush, boys, hush! you youthful ragamnuffins, Hush, boys, hush !—be quiet, all you boys ! CROSSING SWEEPING AS A FINE ART. Ir is said that “New brooms sweep clean,” but a new spirit will do more with even an old broom, than could be effected by the newest | of birches in the hands of one who keeps to the ordinary track of Crossing Sweepers. We have noticed a ius in the neighbourhood of St. James’s Palace, in the shape of a boy, who has started in the rather startling line of an “ Artist in Crossing Sweeping.” There are some people who adorn every thing they touch, and here is an instance of an wediia who, while touching mud, invests it with a grace and a senti- ment not exactly “beyond the reach of art,” but within its legitimate precincts. He has converted Crossing Sweeping into one of the Fine Arts, for he has decorated his crossing with various devices, in which loyalty is the dominant feature, though patriotism sometimes enjoys fluous mud swept from crossing into the form of a crown, sur- following, the deviee was changed to an anchor, with a motto com- plimentary to the British Navy. It is to be lamented that such genius should be provided with no er School of Design than the street and that such fertile invention should have no other bank than a bank of ° road-dirt to draw upon. We recommend the patrons of art to keep their | eyes on the crossing, lest some incipient Witk1e should be nipped in | | } ' | | the ascendancy. A few o ago the “ artist” had arranged the super- | rounded by the words, “Gop save the Quzen;” and on the day | “ Gentlemen, Tea’s ready.” EE the bud, or only live to be “ blowed” by some insensible policeman. 280 p]]—-—————sap | fn Amn a ha ee] os ul . LI ¢ ran oe r F PUREE « ' rts a *y oa | Ve ; d Jaa ee NOTHING LIKE BEING IN THE FASHION. EEO Exasperated Mother. “Wot an® YER HAT—¥rR YouNG Hussy? AND | NOT A MINDIN THe Cxrossty, as I TOLD YER.” Daughter. “Hat? War a Dorn some CROSHAY FRILLIN FOR MY TROWSERS To BE SURE. YOU WOULD'NT AVE ME DRESSED LIKE §NO ONE ELSE—WOULD rer!” A Dreaprot Brow anv Discovracement To tHe Porrz.— | ! |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

A SUNDAY BAND OF HOPE. HE Concert performed by the Guides at Exeter Hall merits peculiar notice. The Guides had been playing on the pre- vious Sunday, on Windsor Castle Ter- race, under Her Masesty's window. Yet row Hall opened its rs to receive them. Now, if Exeter Hall has no objection to band playing at the ae s Palace on the Sunday, of course it can have no ob-'! jection to a similar | performance on same day at the Pal-| ace of the People. We do not mean to express a wish that the People should have! “ Pop goes the Weasel,” and tunes of that description performed) | for their Sunday reereation at the Crystal Palace. Let Exeter Hall! (under the advice of M. Costa), prescribe the programme. Sacred | | day—sacred a but, be it recollected, all music is saered : | | good music which moves the heart the higher emotions, and not merely 1 feelings and the heels. Surely, any serious | family—and seriousness sometimes — into stupidity—would | be much more edified on a Sunday afternoon by hearing Hanpen and Mozart, than by sitting ae p I aa “one willed to stay - was ns He did not stay alone, A soldier-servant shared the ghastly trust,— His name, ev’n, is unknown, And there in faith and oes and duty strong, Am Often, ll ay und all all night long, violence or wrong Defying chance To entomb the dead, and the In livi throng— iow abe Nor to men only such heroic aes is given. See band of women—young and old— © nuns, et brides of Heaven ; Forsaking all that to their sex is dear— Some, wealth—all, home — + Womanly pity chasing woman b= go to bid lopped limbs, tn heads to rear, with soft touch, and softer speech to cheer Our sufferers o’er the seas ! If England have aught good, ’tis that she knows reverence to give To those who die in dut ae amines For duty’s work who li ob theh these quant. Asad have bee, aay Ape oe PS i exam h as, oa mourn, a hearts Soran otal be worn While men br English air

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ge Neng me N ~ cipal ar 190 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE LORD MAYOR’S SHOW AS IT OUGHT TO BE. HOW l'nroven the pine-trunks spare, o’er the steppes so bare, Who walks with a of pride? A maiden fair, with abundanee of hair, And nothing on beside! With her unshod feet o’er the stones she stept, And when she came to a brook, Lightsomely over the water she leapt, And all were free to look. Neither for man nor boy she stopt— _ Well might they stand at gaze— Nor ever her broad bright eyes she dropt, Though theirs stood wide with amaze. And—a sight all must own exceedingly rare In any civilised land— {his travelling fair no | did bear, But a wa, yom in her hand— In which—a fact more singular still— She ne’er looked at her own perfections, Though all she met might stare their fill, And indulge in their own reflections. Ob wonder of woman! a baggageless lass, In purissimis naturalibus On a steppe, where from daylight to dark you might pass, Nor e’er have a chance to hail a buss ! So lightly she walked, and swiftly she ran, Until she came to the Prath— When I knew her face seen by man— The naked lady was Zruth “Oh, Lady, Lady, whither away ? Tis Russia’s frontier-water. On this side of the stream you had better stay, | As we tes | steps out, all face rig’ i For across it you "ll get no quarter. They "ll gag you with an iron gag, To Siberia send, or knout you, THEY TREAT TRUTH IN RUSSIA. For hitherto it has been their brag That they get on best without you.” Oh proud was the light in her eye so bright, As she tossed her wavy hair That it showered a blaze of golden rays About her forehead fair. And then came a voice, made my heart rejoice, With its music clear and strong— “ Have I waded through mire, and flood and re— Have I braved all wrath and wrong— Have I shaken my glass in the tyrant’s face— Have I reared it strong in faith, Where priestly knaves were teaching slaves That to look therein was death— | Have I borne all ~— and worn all chains, And smiled on brand and bar— | That Siberia or knout, should bar me out | From the Empire of the Czar! | [ laughed as I heard, thy warning word, How I prize it, be witness true.” ; With a flash and a gleam, on the Pruth’s wide stream— She ’s in and she’s over too! } | | There ’s a rattle and clank on the further bank, Where, all in the Muscovite m | Stands, sword on flank, a cortége of rank | ‘To receive her from the flood. | And through the rushes, with bows and blushes, | And discreetly averted face, Two Generals hand fair Truth to land, | With the well-known Russian ! it about, | As ng to behold her; 7 a young aide or two take a kind of slue, | And a sort of a glance o’er the shoulder, As much as to hint, they’d make the squint A stare, if they were but bolder. Then in that choice Russian, that bars discus- sion, She ’s informed, that on the border They are waiting for her, as a garde d’ honneur, By the Emperor’s special order. = “ Madame is not aware how the Russian air Will try the best complexion : Being used, ’tis true, to travel 4 ue— So, if she have no objection Or whether she have or not, they have here A costume ‘ gui ira a Mi a ravir,’ Of the Emperor’s own selection.” Poor Truth is used to being abused, Cuffed, cursed, kicked, scourged, and im- prisoned ; ; But can these be her foes, who in such fine clothes ‘ So politely have her bedizened ? There’s a coat for Russe, And to ward off the cold hybernal, From the head to the feet a sheet Of the St. Pi Journal ! th, As each article they ‘Gas her— Alas, she doesn’t know herself, And how should others know her? Her punting done, a figure of fun, A Cossack on each side for usher, Truth’s politely informed that she’s free to run, And before Pole, Finn, Tatar, and Hun, Inthe uniform by ees t her use, of an Invalide | 2 bs owes’ ta |

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STE curt === = oie A f Auieo | S. Ra —— Wier we THE EMPEROR (WITH THE MILD EYES) OBJECTS TO THE NAKED TRUTH. Novempen 11, 1854.) | | ‘| (Puncu, No. 696.

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. y 4 * ‘ee a 7 ST ee eS iTS

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

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A GREATER MAN THAN THE EMPEROR OF ALL THE RUSSIAS. wr old friend Mapame Tussavp’s Exhibition will be very in- eomplete, without the addition of the extraordinary model mentioned in the subjoined paragraph from the Liverpool Standard :— “A Mopet Casmax.—The other night James Lomas, a Cabman, re- ceived half-a-sovereign from his fare, KEAN v. PICKARD—MANAGER v. MUSICIAN. Mr. Cuartes Keay is the depositary of a trust, a public trast, and he knows it, and comforts himself accordingly. “He is licensed to give the best entertainment to a scrupulous English public: and there- upon he engages the very best horn-players and fiddlers (the most musical brass and the most melodious cat-gut) for his orchestra. More- over, that the English public aforesaid may have its sensitive, appre- ciative ears, always fed and entertained, the managerial weston Wah every trumpeter and fiddler in a bond of ten pounds “ not to be absent” from the duties of trumpeting or fiddling, when required in the orchestra. The British public expect the presence of the musicians, and the British public should have it. This cause came on last week in mistake, which he duly retarned im the Southwark county court, and ended with a burst of triumph for next day tohisemployer, Mz. Hamer, the manager. It is long indeed since Ma. Cuartes Kean has made stating from whom he had it. We go successful a hit. Delieve that Lomas, who bas been The fiddler is punished, the fiddler is mulcted in the sum of ten 20 years in Me. Hamen's employ, has =<. °: : le been frequently known’ to do similar pounds (“a jewel with a fiddler’s keeping”): nevertheless, the very acts. Some little while ago, one of justice of the verdict causes the contemplative, philosophic mind to ask—wherefore should not the like justice be meted out in every case | in which the British public, as patient visitors to the Princess’s Theatre, are ow interested ? often, for instance, have they id to see Macbeth according to Suaxspeanr, and Macbeth, the e, has been from the rising of the curtain to the going down of | the same, absent—absent as KARD when, as proved, wanderi with Juin? How often have simple-hearted folks laid down h shillings in the belief that, at the Princess’s, they were to see Hamlet : and Hamlet has been altogether omitted, there being nobody in his place but Mu. Caantes Kean? These thoughts entered the brain of Punch, and—all for the sake of the public, for why should fiddlers be fined, and managers go free P— Punch put the case to a counsel very learned in the laws of the land. Could the public recover of Mr. Kean for the absence, throughout the whole ie. of Hamlet or Macbeth, when duly advertised to appear, or otherwise to be fully and efficiently represented? Could the public recover? In a word, could they have their money back ? And the counsel answered—“ No; because at the foot of the play- bills there is this intimation—No money returned!” Let it therefore be clearly understood that people pay for Saaksrzarx at the Princess’s Beeause the comparison between the two individuals, conspicuous at wholly a& their own peril. the same moment, is natural. Nrenotas and Lomas appear in the quinones pes begether ; ~ yy : One as = Aon man, the a = | @ Villain; Lomas with his twenty years o character, and goo life : megeesen —_ his more Sen, Soanty years of aie ond Cn NURSES OF QUALITY FOR THE CRIMEA. reign. uas is the greater man. He has more in him of that which) Typ noble example set by Miss NiGHtiGate has excited emulation constitutes man. All the magnitude of Nicuotas consists in what is y poe earapatl — bestial. If a boa-constrictor were endowed with a little intellect, and y= pipet eae “ pone ape ga Tn Fe te the Comes’ | had great power given it over men, the reptile would act just as the in the capacity of Nurses q — 8 Czar does: that Russian serpent, whose head is in the Baltic, and tail y “ How. Miss F ho. i in the Black Sea, whence, unless it is chopped off there, it will coil Pin fortes wae cnpaien by the How. Miss Fiouwcesrer, who, in round Europe. a few words, expressed the object of the assembly. She said every one Ascend, mentally, towards Heaven, some little way higher than you Wa talking of the dreadful state the Soldiers were ye 4 a - can soar in a balloon: then look down at Lomas restoring the coin, Proper Nurses. Who could bear to think of it without doing = and at NicHoLas trying to seize the territory, which, respectively, did C¥ld to relieve the suffering which they were enduring on our account! not belong to them. en see which is the finer thing. Observe, as It would be so pretty, too, as well as so right, to go out as Nurses ‘to you rise, how the acts of the two men come more and more largely the poor fellows. Muss mn mend - , oven re oe es: into moral contrast. How, by degrees, all the greatness of the Czan’s 2nd on one’s return one would be quite distinguée. They h come raseally enterprise, as apparent to the eyes of suob and flunkey, ©perience im dressing; and now was the time to show it. | decreases. ‘Lhe thunder of the cannon gets fainter and fainter till yon Miss Waurztwemam said that an evening party gave her no pleasure | cease to hear it, the death-fires dwindle to sparks, and the glimmer of when she thought of the balls flying about at Sebastopol. Who could arushlight. But the act of which the noise and the blaze are acces- enjoy an ice or a glass of lemonade, whilst our heroes had no one to | sories remains neither more nor less than an attempt at burglary, band them s little toast-and-water? She was quite willing to go out, accompanied with murder. As the planet beneath you grows more although the passage might be unpleasant : and a voyage always made | and more like a star, the erime gets divested of all the dignity which her ill. it derives, in that planet, from affeeting a large part of it; loses all the our Merchants, residing in Aigburth, had a sovereign returned him by Lomaa, which had been given him in like manner by mistake. Such traits of honesty in a class who are too often known as affording examples of am opposite line of conduet, cannot have too much publicity, inasmuch as it gives an excellent incentive to others to follow the like example.” Lomas is really a much greater man than the majority of those of whom likenesses are made in wax or even in marble. In any well- ordered collection of images, molten or graven, his figure would be — in a high position. His bust would be put along with the good eads ; and not in the same row with Courvotsrer and Dawren Goon. At what a height it would be classed above the Emperor or Ruseta’s! That, indeed, could not be suffered to stand on the rank of common cabmen ; fellows who are guilty of mere extortion and imsolence, and not of absolute robbery: much less of murder. It would have to be ranged with that of Nero, and the casts of Burke, and Bisnor, and Wiittams ; differmg from these only in wanting—for the present— perhaps only for the present—a certaim groove around the neck. Why compare the Emperor Nicnotas with Lomas the Capman ?

ee ee nile i = ee ea

oS etme gna ati tem importance attaching to the robbery which is extensive: and appears as petty as any.larceny that does not arise from want, and pettier than that. On the other hand the upright conduct of Lomas imcreases in mag- nitude as you regard it from higher regions. You see the half-sovereign not in its proportion to the ri of the Bank of England, but in its relation to the earnings of acabman. It then seems a great enough thing to part with: and you perceive that as a work of indefinite charity was done by a widow, with a mite, so may a considerable act of justice be performed by a cabman with a ten-shilling piece. A New Opening. Queene curves wT much a, 2 this ye, Ti donee we understand, is principally owing to the number of razors ve thrown out of employ by the os and Moustache movement, and that wey be eae blades, into the oyster line to find an opening for their and should che ‘ould. march. —~ erie the wounded by female hands Boube th She did not mean clothes; but things for the in for bruises: for how bad must be a bruise from a great cannon ball! And then there would as nurse had better take out plenty of Court plaster. } Miss PotxeRr would be delighted to go. She had heard of baggage- | not mind riding in one a bit. Or if that was all, | Give her only a parasol and her Indian-rubber walk ever so far—she would walk the military Miss Piscrwa Corestoxe said that the ministry of surgical aid to was customary in the ages of faith. The act of self-devotion was approved by the Church, and no the bishops would bestow their blessing on it: so that it woald be sure to prosper. ‘To attend the sick was one of the corporal works of mercy. Miss Wactzy said she hoped it was sergeant as well as corporal. Miss Grezywoop said they should take plenty of things with them. omen. Stuff to rub be such sad cuts to dress. Every one who went Here a desultory conversation as to which would be the ensued costume most eligible for the lady-nurses. That of La Figlia det |

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Fenway Be - cn at ental 194 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Reggimento was proposed, but it was ultimately decided that Miss NicutTincate’s brown frock and gray mantle would be more comme il faut. At this stage of the proceedings, Dowacer Lapy Stroner’ tn’ sean entered the room, and, her opinion being asked of the contemplated expedition, replied, that it was a very generous and spirited entergrise to attempt, a noble demonstration on the part of the women of England : and would at least be a cheering expression of sympathy toward our brave army. Perhaps before proceeding as nurses to the Crimea, a day’s experience at Saint Batholomew’s Hospital would be advisable. But however praiseworthy was the display of enthusiasm now ; however much called for; it must never be called for again. It was the business of the Government to provide proper nurses for military hospitals: and not to leave the duties of the soldier’s nurse to be undertaken by young ladies of rank and fashion, who knew not “TIMID COUNSELS.” Tue use of the words “timid counsels” by the Emperor or THe Frencu, has caused muc discussion, and many people in authority have assumed that the words against them, as a reflection on their have been directed | umed | want of energy. We understand that the Beadle | of the Lowther Areade has had the words thrown in his teeth more than once by those who are even as yet what it was to nurse a baby. RUSSIAN TOYS. Tre Russian Prisoners in England’and France are amusing their leisure, and increasing their resources, by the manufacture of smail toys, models, and knick-knacks, in the making of which they display much ingenuity, and for which a ready sale is found. That such of Mr. Punch’s readers as may desire any other reminder of the war than the daily papers and the doubled income-tax afford, may be able to make a — ow he subjoins a list which has been furnished to him by authority. Tre Kxout.—These models are very neatly constructed, and the makers have evidently enjoyed the advantage of close personal acquaintance with the object they have reproduced. The Knout for the Emreror’s male children is made with an ebony handle, that with which | the God of Russia and the Father of his People causes his daughters to | be chastised (for their good) is in ivory. The executioner’s knout, | which can either prolong a culprit’s agonies during a morning, or dismiss him to another tribunal with a couple of cuts, according to the will, or | temper, of his Imperial Father, is made from some treasured bits of the | marble used in the Cathedral of St. Isaac. Mopet Cannon.—These are in wood, and are exact copies, reduced, | of the guns in the unreduced ports of the Baltic. The modellers vouch for their accuracy, the guns and miniature balls having been made out | of the same w as the originals which have kept Sim CHARLEs | Naprer at bay. Human Ficures.—These are not very successful. The Russian | idea of male beauty seems to be enormous height, and black moustaches. | Nor are the female figures much better, with the exception of some | ingenious ones in an elaborate model of the shrine of Minsk. The | nuns, in every attitude of terror and torture, are represented as under- | going the penalties which were inflicted by the Father of his People | upon these contumacious religionists, and the mangled bodies of the | girls who have been murdered are depicted with much imitative | accuracy. Dissectep Mars.—A few of these, suggested by educational remi- | niscences, have been drawn carved by the prisoners. The world | is their chief subject. Russia is the centre, and all the other countries | are small islands, lying in shadow. | from time immemorial. perhaps jealous of his high and dignified position. he only case that has been made out against him, is founded on a statement, that one day last week, when there was an unusually lection of boys at the western entrance of the Arcade, he, instead of proceeding to immediate .action, was heard to exclaim, “Come, come, young chaps, I’d advise you to move on:” which of itself might perhaps come under the head of “timid counsels!” We are, however, authorised to state, that he added the words, “or L’ll precious soon make you:” which at once redeems the advice or “counsel,” given above, from all taint of timidity. The Lost Sheep Restored. of some lost sheep, or rather, we were deploring the absence of a lost shepherd. The Reverend absentee has, however, satisfactorily explained his supposed desertion of his flock, and we are happy to do him justice by announcing that he had provided a temporary pastor, who was seized to fall back upon. 2 j to the rector, and relieve him from the imputa- tion of wilful neglect of his pastoral duties. with illness, and his curate being “ indisposed,” | | there was nothing but an extemporaneous per- | formance of morning service for the parishioners e are happy to do justice | Macutyery.—Generally speaking, the models of machines attempted by the prisoners are ludicrously simple. A miniature cart, for con- veying wheat, is exactly in the primitive form described by Henopotvs, on which no improvement has been made for ages, and a water-machine is precisely that which has been in working on the banks of the Nile But a little contrivance for a lemon-squeezer or similar purpose, is clever. It has a series of clutches, each more rigid than the preceding. In satire, it is to be presumed, the makers give each aname. The lemon they call the Ser? and the first squeeze is given by a pair of flaps called the Crown. Then a closer hold is taken by a pair a ealled the Lord. After this comes the Soldier, next the Oficial. And when all these have exhausted the lemon, and it is nearly dry, it is pierced through by a sort of prod called the Pries¢, and the last drop is obtained. The invention is said to be in general use in Russia, OUR HANDS IN OUR POCKETS. Britons hate war because of its cost ; Money that ’s spent in fighting is lost, Only the loss were worse, did we not Fire away cash in powder and shot. Britons, however, know this thing, Better to fire it away than fling : Out, therefore, being forced to shell, Whiulst they ’re about it, they do it well. So that, as well as rocks and hills, Offices, factories, shops and mills, Echo with “ Nicuoxas to the ground : In for a penny, in for a pound!” Not Bad for a Begining. A yroune beginner, whom we are rather anxious to encourage, sends us the following, as his first attempt :—“ ifference between the two potentates, who rule over the destinies of Turkey and Russia, is simply this—the one is a Sultan, and the other insultin’.” e col. | We were lamenting the other day the condition |

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PUNCH’S AMERICAN NOVELIST. @@ To tue Trang, ow norm sipes oF THe ATLANTIC OcEAN. Ms. Poyca gives notice that until England and the United States think proper to devise a mutual Law of Copyright, he, for one, intends to ammex—or (if Anglo-Saxon be preferred to Anglo-American) to steal, exactly what he pleases, or rather what pleases him, from the works of Transatlantic authors. He trusts that the system of reci- procal plunder will be pushed to the uttermost in both countries, that — ing, as if seems to him, the only chance of arousing the onourable statesmen of the two nations to the propriety of doing justiee to the Labour of the Brain. And by way of setting a good example, he te purloin the following brilliant and sparkling tale from the pen of one of the most fashionable authors of the States. As it is now the custom for publishers to set forth their own disin- terested opinion of the works they issue, Mr. Punch will add that the tale he thus submits is ss and exquisite specimen of popular American fiction, in which the delicacies of our own Silverfork school are charmingly blended with the strong effeets of the French novelists ; while in addition, such homage is paid to millin | y, upholstery, and the almighty , as befits the writer who addresses a commercial community. GOLD AND STEEL. @ Story of New Bork, GracervuLtY—oh how gracefully did the lovely ALarvta St. Junirew glide through the dance that night. The glorious creature moved with that proud and swanlike freedom only to women whose infancy has been swaddled in the star-spangled banner, freedom to which neither the awkward yet haughty aristeerat of London, nor her superior, the elaborate-mannered and artificial dame of Paris, can ever pretend. The costly velvet ~~ from Dacsy anp Jewx.iws’s, scarcely yielded to her white satin slipper as she skimmed along, and the alabaster nymphs th Hiaam Powenr’s gilted chisel rnished the magnificent salon, scarcely equalled in elegance its beautiful young mistress. How superbly she looked, as the strains of Bawixy’s wonderful band bore her on their stream of melody—how the diamonds, with which her robe was thickly set at every hem, flashed in the light of one of Renosorn’s world famous or-molu chandeliers. She was indeed a rapture and a | gush, and an emanation from the stars. Music—what need had Atsreta of music to mark her steps? She had imbibed, it is true, the teaching of our most celebrated professors, whose skill (as is admitted by all who have seen American dancing) is unequalled. But she needed it not. The plash-dew from the marble | fountain in her gilded hall fell not more certamly upon the rich mosaic pavement than did her tiny foot touch the embossed flowers at the ven moment when it was due. Her heart, her soul, were in the ce, and a planet might have strayed from its appointed orbit more | easily than could Atsinza Sr. JuLLien have swerved from her graceful | career. | The Howovnasie Horace F. Pornwcxy watched her with a lover’s intense gaze. Could aught earthly come up to Ataris, that godlike | form, redolent of nature’s nobility, might seem to balance her. A tall, = forehead, lustrous as marble, exquisitely voluptuous Grecian eatures, eyes of the most unutterable violet, bair jetty as the raven’s | wing—such was Horace F. Portwcxy. Already he had distinguished | himself in the field and in the council. Though still under sixteen, the dauntless young republican had made his voice heard in the Caueus | and to Buyxum, and he looked delicately feminine, those who | glanced at his rose-coloured vest might see between it and his richiy- embroidered cambrie shirt a silver-handled bowie-knife, which had been drawn three times, and thrice had his country lost a son. He leaned against the jetty mantel-piece, and his small whii¢ hand, adorned | with a priceless emerald, lay like a snow-flake upon a nigger. As Avsryia and his mer rested for a moment from the polka, | Horace concluded to ask her hand. “ Pretty lady,” he said, in the rich, sweet voice peculiar only to the — and to the Americas, “may my devotion aspire to the next spin | with you?” , | _ “T would hope,” said her , & Judge of great celebrity, “ that | I have acquitted myself so well that I shall not be discharged as yet.” “IT guess you are a queer Judge, some,” retorted the spirituel | Horace, “ not to know that discharge always follows acquittal.” “ Then I move for anew trial,” said the Judge, displeased at being | thus successfully reckoned up by one so much younger. “ Rule refused, with costs,” responded Horace, and the next mo-| | ment his arm was around the yielding waist of the beauty, and he bore ‘heraway. The dark eye of the Judge lowered flashing!y upon him, but it was for an instant = Trained to conceal his fiercest emotions, Juper Beaxum lis countenance, for at that moment Mr. Sr. | JuLLiEN, one of the wealthiest New York merchant-princes, came up. | “Saw you on the cars this morning, Judge, and afterwards at the | Tombs.” even in the hour of horror, whieh struck deep, even to the soul of the Judge. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 195 “ T did not see you,” replied the other. At that instant the sight of Avpryia and Horace, revolving with excessive grace, and looking the delight each felt in the other’s admiration, stung the haughty Judge with an unaccustomed pang, and he vowed v ce. Accustomed to all the artifices of law, a plot was with Juver Braxum the work of a moment. His fiendly smile followed the coruscating couple, as the costly robe of Ausra touched him, like a seraph’s wing, in her flight. | and he said to Mr. St. Ju.iien, glancing at Honace— “T hope that he means to escape. ex ration, but forgery is a blunder.” The old man’s eyes opened widely, but the expression on the Judge’s face defied Mr. Sr. Junuxew Jed him into a charmingly furnished boudoir, where three golden lamps spread at once soft no eee incense, and seating hi upon a white satin couch, de: what he meant, “ | thought was posted up,” said the Judge, “ or | would not haye i it. My duty forbids my adding another word, except to assure you, in confidence, that Portucky is to-night a beggar, and will to-morrow be a prisoner.” a that is her ry.” And do “ And he dares dance with my chi with furid light glomming, from bis ated open, kn dead wi ight i m hi wn a costly erystal vase, filled with expensive exoties, and hurried aks bp the gorgeous salon. The the manly shoulder of Horace ing with the exertion. “ Quit that, and follow me, b hi rather than said the old | man, close at the side of Horace. Mn. Sr. Sorin had not meant that Arsuvia should hear him, but as our immortal bard expresses it, | “a lover’sear will gaze an eagle mute.” The rich blood mantied over her lovely countenance, and pressed the hand of her companion in speechless terror. There was no mistaking the scowl on that old man’s face. Homacse hesitated, and the next moment. Anamera’s overwrought emotions mastered her. Unable to spealt, she suddenly sung out with the full, rimging note of the dying swam— | “ Boston is « pretty town, And I'll have one myseif-y.” _And with a few incoherent words—as “Wasniworon — liberty— Prerce—” img what is ever at the heart of a true American girl, agony, she dropped upon the embroidered carpet. Horacz Portucxy dashed himself down beside her with a = ery i did he remember how, before, im the trackless forest marshes of the Sus- -——— a ired girl—— But why speak of memories ! The roused to new frenzy, seized the elegantly cut collar of Horace’s "well Siting coat, and sought to drag him from ALsrnta. The young man looked up with a tiger-glare, and the glittering bowie- knife leaped from his bosom. In an instant he regarded Mu, Sr. JuLuEN, as if about to annihilate him, but the next moment instinct taught him who was his foe, and with a pard-like bound he sprang towards the Judge, and dashed the knife full upon his heart. A shriek of horror burst from all, followed by a cry of wild surprise as the well- tem blade flew into innumerable sparkling splinters. The Judge drew a revolver. Horace Poriucky felt he was doomed. But his eyelid did not quiver, his cheek did not} pale. He confronted his stern enemy with an eye stern as his own. “ Down with him, Judge!” shrieked the remorseless old man. “ Shan’t,” replied the Judge. “I only did it to try him. Trying a is my vocation, you know. He could not hurt me—will the adies turn away their heads for a moment ?” Every fair eye was veiled by # delicate gossamer kerchief as the Judge, for a moment unbuttoning his waistcoat, showed a polished steel cuirass below it. Buttoning himself up again, he raised Auainta from the ground, and as she her lovely eyes he placed her in Horace’s arms. had ceased, and Ausrwta half reclined upon | Swindling is but smartness in | his serutiny. After a moment or two of vacant staring, | “ In the name of the glorious Republic, whose servant I am,” he | said, solemnly, “I nee you man and wife, If you say a word old man, vl send you to the Tombs. Ma. Poriwcky is rich an virtuous. I am his father, which accounts for,it.” The Portocxrss inhabit the handsomest house in New York, and , are two of the most distinguished among the Upper Ten Thousand. Nicholas the Less. war by Nicnotas compelled to go, We fight for something more than statu quo ; Of all the Russias Autocrat ?—nay, come, An’t please the pigs, he shall surrender some. Memonanpom vor Sr. Pavr’s, Kwicntspames.—Puseyites “are Papists without the P: Apists of Papists. ‘a 4! # t i

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ee pe ings *, as ee ee Printed by William Boiey, of Be. 18, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. 196 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Prine ai, BOF CLERKS AT STARVATION PRICES. , | . Wien we headed an article the other day with pe RM | the words “Thieves Wanted,” we felt satisfied | that a demand for anything would always produce { - Lie and +a supply, and we are therefore not astonished eS at a communication from a “ Wholesale House,” | enclosing to us a shower of answers having been | received to an advertisement for an ill-paid collec- torship. We do not mean to say that all the un- fortunate young men, whom dire necessity may drive to the degradation of becoming idates fora hard place at a beggarly salary, are posi- tively dishonest ; but we maintain that a task- | master who stipulates for over-work at under-pay, is not justified in expecting first-rate integrity from men ape remuneration is out of all pro- | portion to the confidence reposed them. | That a worthless situation should be eagerly | sought after proves nothing but the existence of | ja class which is to plunge recklessly into the first semblance of the means of liveli- | | hood which offers itself; and "~~ the hopes | | of decent subsistence may be dashed after the | | experience of a few weeks, there will always | | be a fresh supply of victims ready to embrace the | hollow delasion. Tere was a rumour on the first day of Term in Westminster Hall, that Messrs. Brreriess 'and Duwup had sed a respectful me- | morial to the EMPEROR oF THE FreNcu, calling i /on him to say whether, if he didn’t mean Lorp | ABERDEEN, or ApmrraL Duwopas, he intended i |to allude to either Mr. Brreriess or Mr. | Duwvp, or both, when he made use of the words | | | “ timid counsels.” nt} | ) | An Answer is Requested. “ No man is an hero to his valet-de-chambre ; ” |—but we wonder if an exception could be made in favour of the Ewpgror or Russia ? We want to know if Nicno as is not a Nero to his valet, and his aides-de-camp, and all about him ? } | | Louis Napoleon and the English Bar. i \\| ‘ Vb) dee ot hy yi 8 hie sy OPERATIC PROVERB. You may engage a Tenor, but. you cannot LORD PALMERSTON’S PRIZE (AGRICULTURAL) BABY. | make him sing. But thee, incarnate Brother, thee, malevolent Disease, THE PESTILENCE AND ITS BROTHER. How easy to the nations ’twere to cure thee, did they please. As Nicnotas, the other night, was sitting all alone, “ How sure a dose were mixed for thee, with England and with France, Now smiling, as he fancied that he heard our soldiers groan, If Germany to physic thee united weuld advance, Then cursing his own legions for their failures in the war, For every honest German heart, as thou full well must know, Tbe Cuotenra, in a demon’s form, appeared before the Czar. Abhors thee and thy Cossacks, as he hates the place below.” The Tyrant shuddered at the sight: he thought his hour had come, | ‘“‘ My Curotera,” said Nicuotas, recovered of his dread, A shriek stuck im the throat of him: the Avrocaa? was dumb. “ The Germans whom you talk of, with the Prussians at their head, So grievously did livid fear his heart and midriff wring ; Are slaves of slaves of slaves ; I mean, of women, slaves of mine : Or he had howled as a hangman howls whose turn it is to swing. Small fear have I that Germany against me will combine ! ae f ‘ , P “ ” gai “ : -reek I’m off. The spectre with its bat-like wings the quaking monarch screened ; Then,” said the Cuotera, “ fare thee well ; on sewage-ree “ Fear not,” it cried, “ my Nicnoxas, my Brother in the Frenp : re ukase or what oe Y can I take a ? I love thee as AspRaAMELECH doth tender Asmopal, m going to Sebastopol, W idst corpses tha . Or Motocn Meruistorweres, or Zamren ZaTANAr. To carry on the work thou didst begin in Turkey there. Ho! no, no, no, my fellow Curse ; to warn thee I am here. SETTLING FOR SINOPE. As yet thou art but flesh and blood : their tenure is but slight, - 7 inope massacre, both } Thou mightest be where Heron is before to-morrow night. of We Tbe thee alt "ist us Ra nary rs “ All in good time; meanwhile, thou hast a mission to fulfil, | More human creatures to torment, to ruin, and to kill ; : Unless mankind, whose foe thou art, against thee should combine, } “What ? The destroyer I destroy ?—dismiss that idle fear. | 7 | “ta ‘BELLE’ ASSEMBLER.” i | rere is a clever little book, by the Reverenwp Atrrep Garry, And I fear they will, because they hate thy name as much as mine. called The Bell, and published by Mn. Butt, of Fleet S It i “T am a Pest, that, like thyself, the world hath to endure ; | » pity it hadn’t been “Mr. Bex, of Bell Yard,” and then the set of See how the wretches search in vain for me to find a cure ; Bells had been complete. of No. 27, Victoria Street, in the Parish of St. Margaret and St. John, Westminster, dott Pancras, and Frederick Mullett ee Coanty x, Printers, at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the of London ,and Published by them at Ne. 8, Fleet Street in the Parish of St. Bride, is Olty of London.—Sarvavat, November 1}, 1864

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE GREAT PIG QUESTION. a4 Prd F have all heard of the expediency of get- ting up a “ery” for election purposes, but we never expected to find the British Lion superseded by. = much less noble an far more Seotion beast, the Pig, as a medium for appealing to the — pas- sions of the peo Nevertheless, the is beginning to be held up as the animal round which the Swinish multitude are invited to rally. “Love me, love my Pig!” is taking the place of the old invocation in favour of the dog— hitherto considered as the friend, we ma add the honourable friend, of man; and “ Please the Pigs ! ” will soon be equivalent to saying “ Please the Populace.” To prove that we are not unduly depreciating the public to the porcine level, and | looking at a subject with an obliquity of vision, caused by prejudice wing placed a sty in our eye, we quote the following from a printed | | olen to the Independent Burgesses of Leicester :— | “ Gent Lemex,— You will in a few days be called upon to Elect fit and proper persons | to represent your Interests in the Council Chamber; and we would, on the present occasion, particularly impress upon you, at all the Ward Meetings in the Borough, to ask the parties who offer th lves as Candid ’ WHETHER THEY ARE AVERSE To THE Kerrtxe or Swine, WHere THEY aBe Kerr Cuzay.’ If they object to Swine being Kept, turn them to the ‘ right-about-face, and tell them plump that you won't vote for them.—One and all, stick to this, and you will find plenty of Gentlemen | who will come forward to protect your interests.” It is evident that the “ Pig’Party ” is beginning to make itself heard with a force of grunt that cannot be ignored, and the Leicester electors are willing to t one, of whom they know nothing except that ‘ don’t object to pigs,” though he may be a mere “ pig in a poke” to their acquaintance with his general attributes. It is evident that i in the Boro’ -_ of Leicester the pearls of health and cleanliness are to be thrown away before swine, for “ Pig or no Pig!” is to be the question proposed to all who ask for a vote, and rejection stares in the face of the anti-hoggish candidate. We do ‘not know where the electors are to find a public _ ready to throw himself into the arms of the Pig Party, and the only way to secure an individual who will not set his face against swine is to look out for some Bath Chap as a represen- tative. LORD PALMERSTON WANTED. We lately saw in the as a complaint from the worthy magistrate of the Hammersmith Police Court, as to the unfitness of the building | in which “Justice to Hammersmith ” is necessarily administered. As | Lorp Patmerston is a sort of Government Times, to whom every body is to write who wants an evil officially redressed, we take the liberty of calling his Lordship’s attention to the rickety old tenement which forms the a Temple of the Suburban Tuemis. Supposing the blind goddess to have been set down at the corner of | Brook Green by an omnibus, she must grope her way into the Court itself, which it seems is held in a small room where the magistrate is almost backed into the grate, to keep up a fitting distance from the prisoners, who, if the room were furnished, would have to occupy the 8 As to the witness-box—su pposing the room to be furnished—there would be no available but the cellaret, from which a “party” could give his ; and the Clerk could ‘only enjoy the semblance of a partition ne the oom throng by the aid of the fire-screen. As to Counsel, when attend, and Solicitors or their clerks, they must all be bude up twa in a space of some few feet square, under the very nose of Justice; and as some Counsel are rather foul- mouthed, the nose of Justice is not always treated to a very agreeable bouquet. It appears also, from the complaint of the Magistrate, as in the Times, that there being no waiting-room for witnesses, they are, if it is necessary to order them out of Court, sent literally outside, and frequently into the rain, so © that when re-called to detail to form thread of evidence, they have often not a dry thread = them. a A glance at the exterior of the beildieg — been sufficient pm as, | and we have often wondered that the Police Court, which is the only | tribunal for the poor, should be made so difficult of access, that there is nothing but an mold tumble-down ladder—for we can hardly it with the title of “a flight of — # *—to get up to it. So y said something about some surveyor having done something or nothing, or meaning to do something some time or other about some improvement ; but if the underlings are inactive, or there is an impolitic shabbiness | about the necessary money being granted f or the accommodation of the public, we invite the attention of Lorp Patmerston to the state of d the case, and we have no doubt the lazy subs will all quicken their movements. In the mean time, as the severe weather is coming on, we would suggest the erection of a large gig umbrella outside the door of | the Court, as a shelter for those who are waiting on business—there being no ‘accommodation within—and the umbrella — of course, | be removed at the close of the business of the day, to pom any | infringement of the law as to obstructions of the thoroughfare | _IN RE SEBASTOPOL. THE QUEEN v. NICHOLAS, “Mr. Ponca “ By advice from the seat of war we are informed that the | batteries opened some weeks since on Sebastopol, and that an assault | is in contemplation. Now, Sir, t an assault may take place | without a battery it is impossible ‘that a can take place without an assault, brandish. my fist in , that constitutes an assault ; if I pat it a little farther hit you, the act amounts to battery; so that assault precedes battery, and battery is the sequel | and consummation of assault. Query, therefore, if the defendant, when | the present case of ejectment has been decided, should g an action for damages (which = robably be considerable ) would not it be correct that ge allege a tort sustained by assault and battery, and not, = the newspapers may state to the contrary, | by battery and assault ? I am not defendant’s attorney : that gentle- man, I believe, is Mu. Baicut: I merely moot the question as a legal problem, and am, “ee “ Your obedient Servant, without prejudice, “ Chancery Lane, Nov. 1854.” “Scrmz Facias.” | } | | HE Rassians are so ignorant because they will not study—in other | “consume the mi t oil;” and one of the | do not consume it at midnight, ” is because they | drinking it long before that hour. | Layarn’s Favovnire Tuxe.—“ Partant pour |’ Assyrie.” VOL. XXVII.

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198 THE GAMBLING GERMAN GOVERNMENTS, Y a printed prospectus with which we have been favoured, we see that a series of State Distributions will be made, which offer the following advantages, exhibited in large bold capitals—a species of capital in which the speculators would seem to be particularly rich, if we may judge by the display they make of it. “With a single Stake of £1 in the Sardinian State Distribution, you will gain £21,250!!! ‘With asingle Stake of £Z2in the Hessian State Distribution, you will gain £25,000!!! “ With asingle Stake of £10 in the Frankfort State Distribution, you will gain £43,500 ||!" If £1 will gain £21,259, we should like to know the extent of the fund out of which the gain is to be paid, and we can but wonder at the lavish liberality which is prepared to make such an “alarming sacrifice.” ‘The proposal reminds us of some o° those very benevolent Benefit Societies, in which a sabseription of £1 entitles the subscriber to a pension of £10 a year—as soon as he can get it. If these petty German States cannot goon without lotteries to pay their expenses, it would be better for the princes to take bazaars at some of the watering places in the Season, when the fact of a crowned head presiding at a raffling table, ora princess giving whirls to a wheel of fortune, might brmg more: grist to the German mills, than can be obtained through these “State Distribution” dodges, which, instead of bringing grist, exeite only the “chaff” of those whose duty it is to

| protect the pockets of the community. | after all, a real bond <= ee eet ~~~ —-- -——

WONDERFUL IMPROVEMENTS IN ENGLAND. | It is strange the extraordinary improvements that haye taken place in England since the Alliance with France. It would seem as if the Eastern Question had had the one good effect of opening the eyes of French writers, for they have lately noticed things in England, which, either they could not, or would not, notice belore. Amongst other things, they have seen the Sun. They admit now that the Sun is occasionally visible in England. They are generous enough to acknowledge that cucumbers are raised by it—that corn is ripened by it—that photograph portraits are taken with it—and that the Sun, which is said “never to set on the English dominions,” is, genuine Sun, giving out heat and freckles, and not the mereeold shadow of a Sun, borrowed for the occasion from France, or the neavest'tin-shop and gas-works. The Climate, also, isendurable. People can actually live in it now. There is not‘afogeevery dayof the year. You can see toread at noon day. The atmosphere is:likewise pronounced not to be so depressing | as it was formerly: Young: ladies do not make up parties'to go and | throw themselves-off Waterloo Bridge, twelve at a time. Countesses are not found im their beds dead of erawt. The trees do have leaves, and they are green, and not black. The decrease of ‘ Spleen”’ is likewise most wonderfal. It has numbered fewervictims this year than any previous twelvemonth. You no longer hear of noblemen tarning jockeys or policemen, because their life is made miserable to them on account of the'Spleen. It has ceased to be quoted as a pretext for every absurdity thatevery English lunatic out of Bedlam was guilty of. It ismo longer made:aaswerable for the endless follies that our courts-martial and police-courts drag into print. All our suicides and accidentssarernot put down any more to its melancholy account. An Engtisiman can wear a white hat now without its being said that it was*“*Zes$pleen” that drove him to it. A similar improvement has taken place in our social habits: the day when Englishmen got drunk dewn stairs, whilst their wives were left by themselves in the drawing-room is apparently over. We have dropped the fashion, it seems, of tumbling insensible underneath the table, where we lay until our servants came in the morning, and wheeled us home in wheelbarrows. A great reform has taken place in these things, and in less than six months! We do not dor in the House of Commons—our legislators do not rise in the House of Lords with a bottle of brandy in their hands, We do not eat raw difteks. We have given up the awful to in all French novels and melodramas of taking our wives to Smith- | field, and selling them at public auction, with a rope round their necks. | We value them, we are glad to notice, at a somewhat higher figure | than a mere pot of porter, price 44. e have grown more humane, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | pensity we were so greatly addicted |

more rational; ina word, we are more civilized, since we went to fight the Cossack. Every Briton has not, at present, a bull dog at his heels, nor has he a prize fighter for his tutor, nor is he in the habit of selecting his better half out of the kitchen. We do not drink gin in tumblers for our breakfast, any more than we kill a crossing-sweeper or two just to give us an appetite for our supper. It appears that nous avons changé tout cela.

Perfide Albion as discontinued being Perfide. He has now grown brave, loyal, généreur! There is nothing too thatieambe said of | him. His ships can sail all over the world without beingysmspeeted of | stealing continents, or of abetting some sable Emperor im hiseeannibal | propensities at the expense of the French; and the British flagvean be | unfurled now in any French print without having a whole column of mud thrown after it. Perfide Albion is now the object of French praise, of French admiration. French ladies fall down, and kiss the tips of his venerable top-boots—even his round*fat belly is used as a big-drum of honour on which enthusiastic Frenchmemloveto hisepraises as loudly as they can. And these wonderful improvements have all taken plaee:in the short space of a twelvemonth! We are not aware that werarecany better, or any worse, than we were two ~~ ago. The facbris; we have not changed, but the feeling of the French towards us has c od. They see us now with very different eyes—the eyesof Allies. This change is all owing to the war, and. we ought to be thankful to Russia for it. The Russian cannons have done some for they have hit an object they never aimed at. Theyyhave purified the atmos- phere of the channel, having succeeded in blowing away a number of stapid. prejudices that only mystified people, and prevented the noble countries-seeing each other as they y were. The air cleared of this prejudicial mist, France is virtually brought many miles nearer to | England. We thank Nicuotas for it, and hope this time he will sing a Te Deum for this, the only victory he has as-yet achieved. | Filling a. bumper of the best Bordeaux, we-drink to the health of our recent improvements, and trust that they are not merely for a day, or for a victorious year, or for a long campaign of continual success, | but that they may’be as lasting as the Allianee itself between England | and France, until the two countries, continually improving, shall see | nothing but good in one another ! Sr * Henceforth, i/ »’y a plus de femmes vendues a Smithfield !

“TWICE KILLED.” WE are not sentimentally humane. We know that certain uiies must precede various acceptable sacrifices to the Mahogany Tree. e do not turn from our lobster, though the manner of his death was | | | | _oes not that which he would, if consulted, have selected—we | ispose of our oyster, while the knife which broke at once into his castle and into the treasure house of his life is still in the hands of his burglarious assassin. Our eel, our shrimp, ourcoursed hare, might, if | disrespectfal, say hard things touching thew respective eri¢s from those states of being—but, nevertheless we eat the spitchcock, and the sauce and the “jug” has charms which we ect not. But the pleasures the table are not to be purchased at the price of downright cruelty, and as such we cannot but denounce the treatment recommended by M. Soren in the following passage in his cheap Cookery Book. “ Every Cottager ought to kill his own pig-onee, or twice, in every year.”

A Manocany Tautsm.—Every Englishman in.his life-time drinks a fearful quantity of bad Port wine.

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PUNCH, OR | _THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 199 PATRIOTISM BY THE YARD, R. Brieut says we have no right | to interfere with Rassia, because | “the Seat of War is 3000 miles away from us!” Puncu, in a conversation the other day with the worthy Member, de elicited that in anticipation of probability of his one day entrusted with the Seals of ina M distance” Having m- sinvalal the delight our sondans (especially those at St. Petersb would experience from its pe favoured us Sane aie we subjoin :— Wuew Bairise IsTeResTs ARE THREATENED OR ATTACKED AT A DISTANCE OF 3000 Miles—Let them alone. There will be sure to be @ market for Manchester Goods any circumstances. 2000 Miles—Ditta, dite. Where ’s the good of interrupting commerce by quarvelling ’ Perhaps get embroiled im a masty wicked war. 1000 Miles— If anything very a polite inquiry may be permitted. 500 Miles—A gentle remonstrance is owable, but i aamared y the other parton Ghat they — we are bound to believe them. The days of Macumevexaa 250 Mile—Within this distance we might assume oi ane Seiy, alge ‘if se ahout?” &e know what they 100 Miles—Send word we shall be down them if they don’t mind. 50 Miles—Get the Morning Herald to about the “ British Lion,” im order to frighten them. 20 Miles—Tell S enti dee we Sp viet 2 38 ki ship and soldiers and sailors and balls, and other horrible things we ‘ve got at home. 10 Miles—We’Il only give them this one more warning to keep off. Mile— We might now fire some blank guns; and even if they won’ Li away, I don’t see it will matter much. They’re all Christian people no bt, and won’t | hurt us if we let ’em have their own way. The idea of a certain critic who “4eoked only at the shop watch,” flitted across our mind | | as we left the distinguished free trader; and we thought it not improbable that if we had | suddenly asked him “Did you see the Bear trying to swallow Turkey?” he would have answered, “No, I looked only at the Yard Measure, | “ YE SUBALTERNS IN ENGLAND.” From Turvy, of the Fusiliers in the Crimea, to Muvy, of th* Grenadiers, at St. James's. Yz subalterns in England, Who live a life of ease, How little do ye think upon Our sufferings o’er the seas. To sup, lunch, dine, and lumch again, Upon fried pork we go, And three-deep, we ’ve to sleep, In the trenches, all a-row, With the batteries roaring loud and long, Four hundred guns or so ! The ghosts of ing colone|s Want shediee aioe 2S ; For no two of us ave ri you ’ve to ‘shell out strong, And then it’s salt, you know. Out here we need no boot-jacks, For in our boots we sicep, a never sees a dressing-case ‘Aad baisbeushes are cheap.’ Deuce a ene gets to smoke ; we're giad to biow ; And we rum from store, have Bordeaux— short and strong, smart, And victors home return Then, when, as veteran warriors, At féte and ball we show, With the fame of our name, The ladies’ hearts will glow, And while you swells are voted bores, The pace, a. shan’t we go! THE AIRY AND THE COALHOLE, Porrex, "Tis Porskex . ° © ° . A Young Sage. Feeeex . = . ° ° A Young Sweil. eet maps” And then I’vedone. Risking his precious -— roclaims him what the printers -Goose. Now on. ful, therefore, “a7. should diseover Whether this earth, at ‘distance from its surface, Grows denser than ‘above. Perceivest, dense one ? Ferrer. Marry come up, I apprehend a well. Ferrez, Hugz, Ponnex, lend your ear. : Porrea. Conceive the loan sy Ferrex. Cut away. cre is a paragraph in Wednesday’s Times, Whieh states—or I misread—that some Professor, His name—let ’s see—yes, Amy, hath gone down Into a coal-pit, with some pendulums, Electric wires, goodness knows what else, And hath abided there for several days, In the pursuit of knowledge. Porrez. It is true. He ’s Queen Vicroria’s chief Astronomer. Ferrex. What doth he at the Court, then, of Kise Coat ? Porrez. He wants to weigh the Earth. Ferrez. It seems to me, As an Astronomer the man should know A shorter course. In his own Zodiac Hang Libra, or the Scales. Let him take them, And go his weighs. - 2 we .. - speakest a. ming myhome word, jang on tie sense. If thou dost seek for 4 er dag well, If not, shut up. Ferrez. Thy brotherly rebuke Is just, and just the thing my jest. deserved. Now tell me, Porrex, what is the counection Between the Airy the Coalhole. Porrez. is. He’d weigh, I ’ve-said, the Barth. Ferrez. One other jae, But he might ‘learn the nature of the Below the pit, without descending oe Seeing that buckets - come up each minute. Porrex. Dreariest of donkeys, and of dunderheads The dullest, thy unscientific soul Appreoiates not the great Astronomer. Yes. I know well that from a coalpit’s bottom The stars are seen at noonday. If he took His teleseopes down with him, and attended To his own business, so. But weigh the Barth ! Pooh! Pshaw! Bah! Bosh! Stuff! Twaddle! Tilly-Vally ! Porres.. 4 - prove thy wealth of words, And poverty of : ~ 80. Pervez. I ‘d learn of thee. ne e took down +his clocks, And pendulums, and tripods, and the colliers Hearing each clock’s strike, thought upon their own, But how all this assisted him I know not. Porrez. Listen. If earth were denser towards its centre, The force of gravitation would compel More action of the pendulum (When ‘tis approximated towards such centre) ‘Than ’s seen upon earth’s surface. herefore, Sir, If of two cloeks (joined by electric tie To note the variation) that below Goes faster than its twin horloge above Weve gained at once the fact of density’ s Inerease—let computation do the rest. understand it now, thou Booby, speak ? Ferrer. Blest if Ido. Let’s go and have some beer. tn IES SERCO” F

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. tad ao GIE ane * se ERE aged a a ee ee eee a _ : ' 200 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Tue fleet was anchored taut and trim, Beneath the Russian forts so grim, When on the Aggy’s gun-deck dim, Says Jack the topman unto Jim, Says he, “ Let ’s go a-shootin’ ; Blest if 1 couldn’t pipe my eye, To think like lubbers here we lie While them there sojers high and dry, Ashore, gets all the shootin’.” Says Jim to Jacx—“ I’m blest,” says he, “Tf with that ’ere I don’ : But then the skipper wae might be, If when all hands was piped, d’ye see, He found we’d gone a shootin’. Sir Epmowp he is fond o’ game, , And thof we topmen is the same, Blow’d if it wouldn’t be a shame To spoil the skipper’s shootin’.” “ Avast!” says Jack, “ do you suppose I ain’t a man my dooty knows ? For liberty afore we goes, A LITTLE DINNER AT THE CRIMEA CLUB. “JACK’S HOLIDAY.” To ax the skipper I propose, Bein’ he’s fond of shootin’: There’s you and me and all our mess, In our shore-going togs we ll dress— Blest if the skipper can do less Than give us a day’s shootin’. Them sojers, they enjoys theirselves, And leaves us sailors on the shelves, Never to get no shootin’.” Next day, the holystoning done, Jack and his messmates, every onc, All from the captain of the gun, Down to the powder-monkey, run To ask for their day’s shooting. “No,” says Sir Epmunp, with a grin, “ For liberty the crew’s too thin: _ But here’s the ship: let’s take her in, And all have a day’s shooting.” So said, so done: the anchor’s weighed : All sail the sauey Aggy made ; *Longside Fort Constantine she’s laid, And there her big broadsides she played, As cool as if saluting. Says Jack, as his gun’s breech, all hot, He slapped after a well-aimed shot, That sent ten Russians to pot, “ My eyes, Jus, ain’t this shootin’ !” “ With cutlasses well ground and filed, And our ship’s pistols cleaned and ’iled, And lest our day’s sport should be spiled (Them Russian coveys bein’ wild, And very hard o’ shootin’), Suppose we axed the skipper straight, To let us take our sixty-eight— The poor dear gun’s been kept of late So werry short o’ shootin’. * We’ll have the old girl’s breechings struck ; Bouse her up handsome on a truck ; If we don’t bag a Rooshian duck, When once we gets ashore—worse luck ; Say I ain’t up to shootin’ ; Blow your grasshopper nines and twelves ! “a Sassingerman is a gent What is a Sausage-Maker? Tue best answer to this popular question we heard given at New- | Lorp Patmerston asserts that all babies are market by a young jockey. “ A Sassingerman” (he said, pulling his| like confirmation of the statement from some Ask Mrs. Gordon. We should still better qualified front hair as if it were a _ he wanted to pull over his eyes)— | to testify—one of his colleagues. What does Old Nurse ABERDEEN say ° as lives ; y chopping horses.’ A MODEL MISCREANT. | OPEN TO ALL THE WORLD. | Some one is advertising his “ Patent Sewerage.” We think it is Nicwotas is advertised as one of the additions at Mapame Tvs-| quite superfluous, en an embarras de richesses, for we have saup’s Exhibition. We hope Tussavup has had the good taste to put pcan | got the Thames, him in the Chamber of Horrors. that, unfortunately, is a Sewerage Patent enough to everybody.

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AAAN\ Ih Ih 8!

* i eal 4 —_ >" Novewser 18, 1854.)

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A CAUTION FOR MR. GLADSTONE. omesopy has been sending to the Cuan- CELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER = of Mexiean Bonds, nominally worth £500 each, for a debt long due to the nation. We do not know the real value of Mexican Stock, but there is some Foreign Stock which is worth about as mach as aMohair Stock, or any other rag that might be used for con- version into paper. We do not say that the Mexican Stock is in this ne and indeed, for what we know, every £500 bond 3} may be at a premium, ‘and worth more than the sum it bears on its face, but we only say that we have heard of some foreign seeurities which have nothing of security about them, except the fix in which they place the party who has relied on their pre- sumed valne. We dare say these Mexican Bonds. may be all right, but we should advise the Cua NCELLOR OF THB Exc -— to be careful in accepting all sorts of for he may some day be having Rai ~ | Shares or Bank Shares sent as conscience money, by which, instead of | obtaining an asset, he may be saddled with a liability. MRS. GRUNDY TO MR. BRIGHT. Joun Bricut; you’tenemore than a calico feller, You’re all m like my umbereller, You mast have beem sastingly, spun with a jenny, I’d own no sitch som if you id give me a guinea. A Hinglishman’s birthright, with sitch a poor sperrit, Is what ae like you isn’t fit to inherit, If nobody else’s heart wasn’t no stronger, This wouldn’t be no land of freedommno longer. To tell you the trath, tis mpreandidiopinion, You wouldn’t oppose-any fi dominion, Supposing as how-you pe on Would cost yowa few skilline more nor submission. Old Hingland would haye not a-soul to defend her, If all wasdike you are, from Popmor Pretenper, You wouldn’t mind letting the Czar take possession, The same as it was with ‘Transgression. But Britons won’t never in to invaders, To please you, nor none of your Manchester traders, Whatever Jonw Bricat is, Jons: Bor ’s no sitch noddy ; So, therefore, now, let’s:have no mere of your shoddy.

PARSONS’ PARLIAMENT. (SPECIALLY REPORTED.) Saturday, 1st December, 1855. pometer saacendo for the first time since the exertions of ; a romoters in obtaining its recognition by the Legislature for administering the affairs, conducting the reforms — adinien’ peace, harmony and efficiency of the Established Church. The Jerusalem Chemben’ was the locality. The excitement of the fiercely contested elections: of members has only partially subsided, and several reverend gentlemen appeared with rosettes of their | constituents’ favourite hue, the Puseyites wearing the colours of the Searlet Lady (slightly paler than the original), the Irish Clergy generally sporting Orange ; he Evangelicals patronised Black-and.Drab, The fusion of the two chambers into one gave an additional feature to the assembly, in the presence of the Bishops in their robes. | The ordinary formalities havin an gone through, Convocation proceeded to the election of a s The Bisnor or Exeter, in a nent and sarcastic speech, proposed the Brsuor or Oxroxp, to whose judicious and persevering exertion of | his great influence in vi ao quarters, Convocation mainly owed its working body. (Puseyite cheering). The | Bishop added reise against. any body who differed from humself in other subject. being allowed to vote or speak, d person should be excommunicated, The How. and Rey. Mr. Twippie seconded, the motion. One | Witperrorce had. been instrumental in > eusnsipting the wearers of black skins, and —sequilur patrem passibus equis— PUNCH, oR. ‘THR _ LONDON CHARIVARI. *

had done as ean hey the wearers of black omg, He did not eutistenta that they would have many differences of ae (laughter) but should such arise, no man was so well qualified as the prelate in question to prove that every man meant exactly the same thing, what- ever bis words might seem to imply. The Rev. Baryey O’Brawner oppeeed the motion, and gave notice that (D. V.) he should oppose every motion that from the same quarter, both before it was and afterwards, Giving an ongeae _ eo ovens sketeh of the bo and maptery of of Loopy Queen Mary, and some ies pren ys of the Bisnors or lhe Derry, the reverend gentleman dom Oxrorp as disguised Papist a ag the glorious, pious, and immortal memory of King Wirasametum Tomp. (/iear, hear, and the Kentish Fére.) i The Rev. Boansrees M ‘How: seconded the | The Rev. Peter Bospres-said they were talki How could the memory of Kinc Wiistam. be. made fe Speaker? He wished the Irish clergymen would have evils tenian hating oooh The Rev. Barwey O' imawage despised the insult.to Ireland, and itied the wretched Jesuit who could so agetend him. Hi malevolence was helpless, however; for Jesuit’s bark was worse than Jesuit’s bite. that. imminent Irish clergyman the R. | The Rev. Boan — Mareen a a ‘by an individ Y that whatever better be a oaly hikely | aepooving offtmaapot D2. i nnd. ushoriy-daabe- —— orthiodeay, he: thought him a safe man as regarded more support him. a4 Dr. Mienawony assented to the premises, but: denied | the — of the last speaker. Da. Witserrorce was an agitator ic, and what they wanted was a quiet, business-like, impracti- zeal, and did only what he was com to do, to anybody > me Ma, e unless a wall were built between the resting: and of the dissenter. A broad walk do. Vg ge 5 oy that Dissent was to be lamented, ~ pn were. ten, times worse, He would much “3 oon ne Bethel or a Zoar than in St.’ Barnabas or St. ini art or whatever they a it. | a Bisnor or Exerer was, luckily for the reverend gentleman, not his — wa or for that speech his gown should have been pulled over | his head. The. Key. Suras Tavur begged his brethren to understand that he Jochng-cueanes capes gn pet og ay ry He could a as with one ; better, in fat, in. b ot weather, | ‘Twippue, the How. and Rev. Ma. Twap- | pu, the Hi on. and Rev. ALB CuasuBue, and othe: this, and three young Pauseyite fai rose to order at away, After an animated and poneal debate. the matter drop The Bisnor or. mn suggested, that if ‘ne were no more to be — _- ee ie Le | gua persons w powmination wo’ not think of dividing, The Rev. Banwey certal

Sensation.) —— would not be dictated to, and would divide, and believed he should divide and ae OxPorpD to say a <a one. rev gentleman, w ) proposed — .— every way better qualified than himself and he should inly vote for him (dear, hear), if only Sours ee ee ee ing an Lr with a ion, of anot | entirely untainted character, and in embarrassed pecumary circum- any reasons why he should not cunaent Cbomenslien. If, tn i ome wish, they,abenld desde on selecting him. his-duty, and an essential part of that duty would special assistance to those who did not exactly most probably from having studied the subjee!s of deeply. and earnestly than he, alas, had been always ie, x O'BLanm, The turrums.in which me Lunp op | plazed to spake of me axe 80 preposterious that— (Geet SS and confusion. ) Convocation then divided, and the numbers were :— For the Bisnor or Oxrorp 362 For the Ruv. Mu, O’Bians . 151 Majority for the Bishop “Gi was then formally declared, the Speaker of Convocation nel actleaek elena. ”

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SUES CART Ea tS: | employés of the Company, who h 204 | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON THE MODEL COURT. | yin Ci Pusiic attention having ! been at length in some degree at- tracted to the long- since mooted, and daily more and more | important question | of providing the poor | with a better class of | dwellings, we under- | stand that the direc- tors of the Crystal Palace intend fitting up a Court to repre- sent the now exist- ing state of archi- tecture, and internal | house economy, of our lower London | and provincial city | districts. The directors con- | ceive that by so} doing they will most | likely bring the mat- | ter to the notice of | a number of people, | by whom it may have hitherto been con- sidered quite beneath | it ; and will also stand a chance of introducing it to certain duly salaried officials, who in their capacity of overseers have completely overlooked it. The directors likewise feel that the working man himself will the better see the value of the arguments for change when he has them put before him in a better light; it being obvious to any one that the sunshine of Sydenham affords a clearer mean | of observation than the fog of the Metropolis. Accordingly, a quantity of ~—_- have been taken by certain duly qualified | we lately, at a great expense to health, been |

| | exploring what are generally alluded to as the “back slums” of Spitalfields, | Lambeth, Soho, and Bethnal Green: and, as the result of their self-sacrificing | labours, a Court at Sydenham is being now constructed, which it is expected will | present a faithful copy of the courts that still exist in those so long-infected | districts. The construction is not yet sufficiently advanced for us to do more at sement | than detail a few of its principal features: but we believe that even these will be | received with some interest. in the Pompeian Court, it is intended not so much | to show the model of a single dwelling, as to throw together the most striking | parts of several: and in this case there will be a further advantage gained by this | arrangement, as the want of uniformity, it will ensure, will represent the more faithfully that structural higgledipigglediness which so much prevails in the | localities it is intended to depict. F The first thing that will probably excite attention is the admirable ingennity | which is displayed in completely excluding every possible arrangement, which in the slightest may conduce to domestic comfort: and to show this the more clearly, | figures of the size of life will be introduced, and the inconvenience of four families occupying what is really only space enough for one will, it is hoped, be thus'| distinctly demonstrated. In their introduction of these figures the directors are | but following the course they have pursued with respect to the uncivilized tribes | | ments are situate. | obviate the need of any guides or finger-posts, as the visitor who may wish to| of Central Africa; and it will be seen that in domestic cleanliness and comfort, the natives of that region are but little behind those of Central London. To represent as alte which generally runs down the middle of our courts, | there will be a fountain placed in the centre of this, to play alternately with Thames water and liquid manure; and it is expected that but few eyes, or noses, will be | found sufficiently acute to detect the difference. We also are informed that at the | especial request of certain civic authorities a smaller fountain will be added, which will be daily fresh supplied with an essence of the celebrated scents of Smithfield, | in which the wives and daughters of those gentlemen are, we understand, exclusively | to be allowed the privilege of dipping their handkerchiefs. <A In order to assimilate the atmosphere of the Court as closely as possible with | that of its originals, engagements have been made with some of our most eminent bone-boilers and gut-dressers for a continual supply of those highly noxious gases, which have so long kept in such bad odour the districts where their trade establish- | This arrangement, and that of the fountains afore-mentioned, | will, it is expected, form the chief (nasal) attractions of the court: and will! be directed to it, will simply find it necessary to follow his nose. In order to ensure the most perfect mismanagement, we learn that the general superintendence of the Court will be entrusted to certain duly constituted parish authorities, who have had great experience in local government, and are now fully competent to administer its defects. When we add that all the sanitary arrangements have been placed under the control of a regularly organised Board of Health, our readers will feel satisfied that no pains will be s to keep it in

the most unhealthy state possible. CHARIVARI.

EXAMPLE TO THE ENEMY. Is there not something mystical in the subjoined extract | from the Overland Friend of China ?— * Deata ov ay Ovo Exewy.—Tan-nvuwa-ma, the sanguinary wretch who murdered so many of our countrymen at Formosa in 1842, and who, despite Sin Heyay Portincer’s request for his condign punisb- ment, was elevated by the Exrzxon Hiexruxe to one of the highest posts he could confer, has met his death at the hands of China's regenerators—the patriots.” As this gentleman was Hone, as well as Tan and H»» we can quite understand that he was elevated to a high post by the Emperor or Carsa: but we cannot imagine | how he could have lived after that to be killed by the | patriots. We hope that the sanguinary wretch who has caused so many more of our countrymen, besides others, including his own subjects, to be murdered, will ponder the fate of AH-HUNG-HA, Great criminals are sometimes brought to an exasperated people can confer: whic lamp-post.

ONE OF THE GALLANT 93rp, AS HE APPEARS AT ASTLEY’S. Instructions for Counsel. We really wish our friend Brreru or some other equally intelligent member of the English bar, would apply to the Queen’s Bench for a stet processus, to put an to the foolery of the Lord Mayor’s Procession. We should like p: the learned gentleman to move for a quo warranto calling on the Man in Armour, to show by what authority he represents himself as an Esquire, and if he is an Esquire, to show cause why he acts as a scene shifter at a minor theatre on ordinary occasions.

|justice in this world, and Nicnotas Romanorr himself | may come to be elevated to one of the highest posts that | bftpost may be a

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PUNCH, ‘oR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

SOCIETY. Socrerr has been formed on! yy, @ principle corres with that of the Labourers’ Encouragement Association, at the late meeting of which, at Romsey, Lorp Pat-| MERSTON presided, and dis-| tributed prizes for good! conduct to meritorious’! clowns. It consists chiefly | of members of the commer- cial and working classes, | | * and its object is the —y~" ‘ ragement of indust economy amongst uty and orders. Its first annual meeting took place zoster. day, and the neble lerd, the member for Tiverton, himself, was one of the foremost of the distin- guished persons to whom rewards were adjudged. To Viscount | PaLmerston, for length of serviee in the Foreign Office, and diligence |

in his ees t ‘—— Secretary, was awarded a prize of five cine. 2 bk ae to Loxp Jou ones! for steadiness and sobriety in vations and important ministerial situations | ord abil ae a the capaaity of i Lord of the Admiralty, and ability displayed in ist Lord of t Sir James Grama = presented with half-a-crown. In distri. buting these prizes, oy agg President of the Soeiety, |

Mr. Browssowzs, hat, of course, the sums would, considered ito te thor amount as the recompense of a lifetime of politieal ridiculous; their value consisted in the | honour and esteem of which were intended for testimonials. The | — prizes aon 5 to deserving individuals of pro and station : he > ner Howes, for having supported his title and a family of nine children ten thousand ® year without ever having applied for — favour to Government—a new coronet. The Marquis or Actoy, for having lived ity years at "Wormholt | Park, and during that time ‘devoted himself to the improvement of his estate, and never once the rents of he tenants—a double | glass and a yard and a half of blue ribbon. The Hoy. Ms. Sypewnam, for having supported his widewed | mother, the Dowager Lapy Dutwicu, for some years, during which the affairs of his elder brother were in a state of embarrassment—a pair of dress boots. CaPTain yon of the 110th Light Dragoons, for having always lived on his pa: me on private property without getting into debt—a silk pocket han rchint The Captain produced satisfactory receipts from his tailor, whose account, from the time of his joming the regiment, he had panctually settied every Christmas. Sir Repwarp Tareman, for savings during twenty years’ diplomatic service—a silver spoon. S.. he Bisuor or Purney, who has got out a family of five an oe in other professions, instead of providing for them at ry expense of the Charch, for which they had no inclination: whilst his Lordship has also devoted the bulk of his episcopal income to the wants of his diocese—a Bible and Prayer Book. Lapy Apguiza T1LDA Gincuam, for ten years’ service as Maid-of-Honour—a vinaigrette and a plume of feathers. Sta James Jenxryson, for eight years’ service as Groom in Waiting 7 and mage: buckle. a e - RD Bacwie, for propriety of demeanour in the capacity of Gold 9 pair of scarlet plush breeches. | Ma. anapostate then addressed the prizeholders. He said there were two principal rocks on which the aristocrat was apt to split. He meant the e Puut and and = Gaming Table. The Turf swallowed his property and his prospects. A noble lord or an honourable gentleman a to a race-course with a balance at his banker’s, and came back involved in difficulties which obliged him to mortgage his estate. If such a person only ruined himself it would be bad aes his establishment also involv The same remarks applied to But though the Turf encouraged all this while <= were associating with | t swindlers, and members of the swell mob. But he wen linen aieean and red lamps, Professional from ware that what he had just said would not affect his preseat hearers, | w rewards of prudent and virtuous conduct. THE HIGHER CLASSES’ ENCOURAGEMENT propose, as a toast, “ Success and prosperity to t The toast was received with three gentle cheers, after which the prizeholders sat down to a light repast, and were Soden French fare, consisting of Aors d’auvres ing panied by a plentiful ‘allowance of sound wholesome Lafitte and Billery. Sea Cor

THE JOLLY RUSSIAN PRISONERS, = jolly the prisoner, who gets, for his pay, ante r’s own purse, seven shillings a day ' And that's we pension our fi Fer vhich wo chill cqtabily pap thovegh With nothing to do ot elt ap rhe dgam On parole, it is hard lines for thera, I don’t think, i vin he en whieh, bo piveee © cnight, Masts ail with swith doligha spe hy smile wi wi ime f Cs Caan’s wide awake eine wa bt Gocont Berane weyers The laugh will be theirs who win ; We don’t throw our money away b oes Soe a day. a *ve been freed ; teat mar fe Press to read, PacdteGheen ds Add at with ot be pena Each man will to instructed return, Rossia Having learnt what the Czar would have —- WEN learn, And amongst the poor creatures around him diffuse Constitutional notions and liberal views. Their heads, with ideas of ye Aan Will all be live shells, midst the Muscovites poured, Where Nick would have any shell rather rather explode Than those that are charged with that speeies of load. So, these things considered, the clodhopping swain Per will not think he has cause to complain That receive—within compass to speak — As much in one day as he earns in one week. The nation that prisoners so handsomely pays The wages of postmen will probably raise, And doubtless provide on a grand scale for all The children and wives of our soldiers who fall. WANTED—RODERICK RANDOMS,

Some people say that the deficiency of medical attendance on the sick and wounded in the East has been exaggerated. We should be however, if the followmg statement of the Zimes Black were not to prove im every respect weil founded ;— “TI cannot conelude my letter without alluding to another just cause of complaint, the effcets of which are most terribly felt at the present moment. I mean the want of

: for the gamester’s extravagance t f would advise the nobility and gentry to beware medical { of the vant er tl those who once entered it went on from one | gangs of “four-and-twenty brisk young another t were reduced in cireunrstanees to the most array,” ou ber, of course, the representations te the Admiralty for eircumatances

52 g ily lecting them from ha --4 candidates ort for the adverts for the other day, wth some, kno No glory, no respect, comfort, small pay, and a service of danger !—it must take a very hard situation e even a surgery-boy to doff bis buttons for neeessity of providis for t be he of the navy by foreible i aod we shall bave Pa fnecand-tventy Wek young lows cbel in jpekets bine weenging sespostahie practitioners on their rounds, ho, otherwise, would 1 not } have come there that day to receive the’ that of s cock-pit.

205 He would, in ouniialien., he honest aristocratical in the oy py oy ae So, here is the ficet in .yaen mess, because the Assistant-Surgeons . from If the Admiralty is determined to persevere i ee om mee A qi it had i + te wi } h of ~~ tlemen as that sort of one who knowledge of dispensing, 4 : ~~ from their the scene of a geutesl neighbourhood to ied with elegant | entremets, accom-

ne ees <P GAR.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON “Wet! Becca!!* Dip you ever’see%sucn a Bare-racep THING AS THAT? POR TO GO AND WEAR SUCH BonNETS as THEM!! ly 17 waSSMe anp You AS DONE SUCH A THING, THE WHOLE ALLEY’D BE IN A Uproar.” A BRIGHT “Mr. Puncn, “ Peace at any price is my motto; and I am sure that any price that we could have had to pay for peace would have been less than the expense to which we shall be put by war. Of course, there- fore, L say ditto to Mr. Bricut; and the opinion I entertain of Mr. Brieut’s consistency induces me to hope that he also will say ditto to me, “In the first place, I think, with Mr. Bricut, that the war was unnecessary. I believe, as he does, that the fear of Russian aggression was a chimera. ‘This statement, being apparently absurd, requires | explanation. I mean to say that if we had fet the Czar‘alone, it would | have taken him a long time to consummate his scheme for the annexa- | tion of Turkey. It would have taken him another long period to avail | himself of the Turkish seaboard, to create a marine strong enough to destroy our naval supremacy. He therefore would have hardly been in a position to invade these dominions during the reign of Her Masesty. There would not have been a very high srobapiiity that a Russian invasion would occur in that of Her Masesty’s successor, who (after many app I trust will be His Roya, Hicuwess THE Prince or Waxes. Loyalty and Patriotism need look no further | forward. Two generations, and perbaps three, would have had to pass | away before England would become a province of Russia. Our free | institutions would not have been doomed to be destroyed by Russian | barbarism: our Press would not have been destined to be shackled, nor our poets and our women to be flogged, and our reformers to be | sent to Siberia. It would have been the reformers, the women, the poets, the Press, the liberal institutions of our grand-children or great grand-children only, that would have been condemned to be destroyed, shackled, flogged, and exiled. The knout would have been appointed to fall upon Posterity ; not on our own backs. Besides there was no occasion to fear an imvasion by Nicno.as, even if there had been IDEA CARRIED OUT. reason to expect one. Suppose he had invaded us. He would not | have harmed us much if we had received him peaceably. He would onl will cost us to fight him. Nay, if he had subjected us to some cruelties, the mass of suffering which he would have inflicted would not have been so vast, and so severe, altogether, as that which must attend these hostilities. No doubt it is very to be knouted ; but I had rather receive many stripes behind, than one ‘shot in front of me. “ Secondly, [ hold, as of course Mr. Bricut does, that all war is have made some addition to the taxes, amounting to less than it | wrong. I maintain that Christianity forbids us to defend ourselves, | and not only that, but also commands us, when attacked, to invite a repetition of the outrage. Thus are we required to act by one of its orecepts, literally understood. I understand it according to the letter. if therefore, as i was walking along Fleet Street, you were to rush ont of your office, double your fist, and strike me a blow with it on the right side of my face, do you think I should knock you down? By no means. Or call forthe Police and give you into custody? Certainly not. [ should only turn the left side of my face towards you, in order that you might inflict another stroke on that. The same rule of conduct would be observed by me in case of receiving a punch in the head, or having any other species of assault and battery committed on any other part of me. Carrying out the same principle of interpretation, 1 not | only never defend an action at law, however unjust, which may be brought | against me, but always pay double the amount claimed ; and give awa and lend my money for the mere asking. {[f anybody attempt to ro me, [ offer no opposition to him; as, doubtless, Mr. Braicut offers none, wishing as he does, like myself, that none had been offered to the act of plunder attempted by the Emrzror or Russia. , “TI am, Sir, * A man of Peace who goes tne whole Guinea Pig, and your “ Consistent READER.” Printed by Tilien Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Perish of St. Pancras, and Frederick Mullet Evens, of No. 27, Victoria Street, in the Parish of St. Margaret and St. John, Westminrter, both m th rn upty of Middiesex, Printers, at their the City of London.—Satunpar, November is Uffice in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by them at No. %, Pieet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, in

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WHAT A LONDONER HAS REASON TO BE PROUD OF! WERE are certain peculiar advantages and uties that exist and flourish in London, such as cannot be found, perhaps, in any other metropolis in the world. It would be idle, impossible to dilate upon them, Suf- ficient, therefore, for the purpose to give a short list of their various charms and characteristics : In London, you get pure milk—purer even t you can get it from the cow; and as for the water, the best fact in favour of its purity is, that the oart of it is drawn from the a hames. hae i In London, you have the i iAey 0) pride of possessing a mag- i y | if " i, 4 ft ii! Cys ' , if . = nificent river that may be| Ld - ) beautifully adapted for all) wf matters of commerce, but) is, perhaps, not quite so beautiful when viewed in| the other points of beauty, adornment, health, and re- creation. Still it must be conceded that this same noble river acts as a most convenient cesspool to the| numerous factories that} overhang its charming bank, | besides officiating as a most admirable sewer to the metropolis in general—in | which latter capacity it is = well entitled to claim the great honour of being the | largest Sewer in the world! | | In London, you bave a wonderful City Corporation, that has the | enviable distinction of having stood up against municipal Reform | | longer than any other corporation in the Kingdom. | In London, and twenty miles even round London, you have the) enjoyment of paying, for the maintenance and glorification of that same a ) ? 4 N , | Corporation, a tax on every ton of coals you burn. | _ In London, you have a number of Church clocks, and other clocks that enable one to keep an appointment with the greatest punctuality, for as two of those clocks never by any accident agree, so it stands to reason, no matter what your system of calculating time may be, that | you must be right at least by one of them. In London, you have a Lord Mayor’s Show, that for several hours | every Ninth of November, clears the City of the tremendous business that, on all other days of the year, completely blocks up the thorough- fare of its crowded streets. | In London, you have the further gratification of finding the narrowest | streets where there is the most commerce, and the widest thorough- fares where there is the least traffic. In London, you will see, to your great amusement, more ugly monu- ments in one da than you will have the pleasure of laughing at, if you travel over the Continent for one year. In London, you will, also, see the few beautiful buildings, which it has, placed in the worst positions, so that it becomes an ingenious difficulty to see them without disloeating your neck—and this is doubt- less a source of considerable relief to all visitors and foreigners, who, naturally judging from the many bad buildings that are placed in the most conspicuous situations of the metropolis, would rather be spared the pain and annoyance of seeing any public buildings at all. | In Londen, you have not less than three bridges at which you are stopt to pay toll—which are nearly three bridges more than any other | capital in Europe possesses with similar advantases—and you also have | three other bridges, that are either so crowded, or else so dangerous, that it becomes a question of courage, or the greatest urgency, to induce you to pass over them. In London, you have the further happiness as you walk out, or stop at home, of listening to music of some kind, either vocal or instru- mental, and this continues all day long, without the cessation of a single minute; and at Christmas time, this music is, moreover, con- tinued during the night. VOL. XXVII. _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 207 In London, you will see in a stroll any day more beggars than police- men—so that the wonder is their duties are not reversed, and the beggars paid to look after the policemen, and to tell them occasionally “to look alive there, or else they ’ll soon make them.” In London, you will see the street sweeping, and mud-collecting, and all the scavengering carried on in the day time, whereas in most Con- tinental towns such dirty work is y done during the night, and completely finished before the people are out in the streets in the morning. In London, you have more frequent opportunities of studying the anatomy of the pavements, with their various veins and arteries of gas and water pipes, than in any other town if a second Quiytus Curtivs were to take a walk from Piccadilly to the Bank, he would find at any time plenty of chasms on his way, into which he could conveniently leap, supposing he particularly wished at that moment to an his country. . ‘ 1 London, you see, rising every week, stacks of monster buildings defying every order of architecture, and swarms of new streets built | wit any regular plan, so that, to the merey of every builder, | and in that helpless condition that every plasterer who puts himself up as an architect can raise his hand against it, London bids fair soon to be called—if it has not cm acquired the proud distinction—“ the | ugliest metropolis in the world.” The above is but a scanty list of the peculiar graces and glories of our “ great metropolis,” but, incomplete as it is, is it not enough to make every resident proud of being a Londoner ? eS TO THE MEMORY OF CHARLES KEMBLE. Barrer as ’tis brilliant, the Actor’s fame With the spectator’s memory lives’an 1 dies ; Out of the witness of men’s ears and eyes, The Actor is a name, me, that seldom lasting place can hold ! Within his country’s records or regards. He stands not with the _— sculptors, bards, Whose works are never old. Yet some so much have stirred the common heart, That, when they long have past from sight, we find Memories, which seem undying, left behin Of their so potent art. Such Roscrvus was, the cherished of old Rome ; Such Garrick was, in our forefathers’ day ; Such, more than Garrick or than Roscivs, they Who graced the Kemsres’ home. Who is there of us, old or young, but knows, Familiar as one of his own race, The stately Sippows, with her sibyl-face And statue-like repose ? Nor less the Elder Kemate, he who stept The true Coriolanus—full of seorn : So Senators their togas might have worn, Such countenance have kept. Less -—- of mien, of manners less severe, And powers more slow to ripen, came the third ; Gay, gallant, debonair—in act and word, The perfect Cavalier. He too is gone, whom all his fourseore years Had left with something of the youthful fire That blazed in Falconbridge, did inspire Benedick’s quips and jeers, Where is Mercutio? Where Don Felix now ? Where Hotspur? Cassio? The Merry King? Where that clear laugh that made old Drury ring ; That light step and bold brow ? He linked us with a past of scenie art, Larger and loftier than now is known ; Less mannered, it may be, our stage has grown, Than when he played his part. But where shall we now find, upon our scene, The Gentleman in action, look, and word, Who wears his wit, as he would wear his sword, As polished and as keen ? Come all who loved him : ’tis his passing bell : Look your last look: cover the brave old face : Kindly and gently bear him to his place— Cranes Kempce, fare thee well !

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

SCOTTISH GLORY. | Most people imagine that the Highlanders | Sime ty actually Sightiog with, and souting | Alma by actually ing W' row! a large number of Russians. This, how- | ever, was not exactly the case, if we may | believe the following paragraph from the | Inverness Advertiser :-— “ Hientawpers at Atma.—A friend in the Crimea writes :—‘ One of the Russian Generals whom we took prisoner being asked his opinion of the English troops, | replied that they were all splendid; but that whenever | the Russians saw the half-naked fellows without trowsers — marching at them, they knew the day was lost, for the ES GED O Sra eae perms aie withstand,’ ” We do not, however, believe the above statement. It is our firm conviction that the | brave Highlanders really and truly bore back | the Russians at the t of the bayonet, and | did not, as_pi by the Russian | frighten them away merely by their uncouth | exteriors and horrid screams. The personal appearance of the Highlander is i t, and his voice is musical ; by these advan he conquers in love only, and not in war. No | Russian is to be terrified by savages that | has ever looked in a glass, and Cossacks are not to be put down by clamour. At the Battle of Alma the soldiers of Menscaixorr saw | nothing half so ugly as themselves, It would be no credit to the enien to have scared Russians in the field, as if Russians | had been crows: and we wonder what can | induce the Juverness Advertiser to advertise his gallant countrymen as a race of Guys.

On Drr_ox tas Crry.—If we received a check at Balaklava, it has been duly re-

LYNCH LAW; OR, MAKING A DOVE OF PEACE. turned.

GENERAL VIEW OF GREECE. Know’ st thou the Land where the Cypress and Myrtle.) )w’st thou the land where a sly press’s dirt ’ll Be flung upon all who won’t pa its sli Where the merchant ’s a Doo, and the soldier’s a TuuRrTELt, _And the lawyer ’s their trusty accomplice in crime ? Know’st thou the land, once beloved of the Nine, More lately the scene of Pacifico’s shine, Where a soft head like Orno’s the Crown could assume, A King, with the mien of an underbred groom— Where the traders in feats of rascality vie, Where they cheat if you sell, and they cheat if you buy, And to list to a native’s to list to a lie. Where if trees (as we say) may be known by their fruit, One’s certain that Honesty never struck root. Where their dastardly banner bears Christendom’s sigr, in that each fight is a Cross, we opine ? "Tis the fair land of Greece, whose demoralized son Exults in the hope that the Russians have won. ild are his accents, when telegraphs tell That our soldiers are doing their duty right well.

FROM THE DEAD LETTER OFFICE. “Dear Puncu,—I have learned the English language since | have | been in Elysium, and I think that the English news used me well, spinning out my % 74, # ém ray, into what I really said was “Come back with your ray, Or 1’ll think that you ran, Come back upon tay, And I’1l call you a man. 13th Nov. 1854,” “Tae Srantan Morner.”

Anp It’s att Tot (DEROLLOL) ERATION, &c.—Toleration means

NEW PROFESSORSHIP. Tut Cambridge Philosophical Sosiate having found that newspapers are absolutely essential to the successful followmg up of the pursuits of | science—a representation to that effect has been to the University | Commission, and the establishment of a new Professorship is the result. The Licensed Victuallers having given, or being about to give, the |

Editor of the Morning Advertiser the sack, that renowned traveller and Protestant champion has accepted the appointment of Regius Professor | | of Penny-a-lineism. We have been kindly favoured with a list of the | | questions which will be asked at the first Examination—we subjoin a | lew :— | 1. Find the circumference of the most “ enormous gooseberry,” and explain the ramifications of its roots. 2. Extract the roots mentioned in the foregoing question, and show that they are “inversely” as the Times, and directly as the “square” of Printing House. 3. Show how point is given to an article at three halfpence a line one give the method of diffusing small matters over a large | surface. 4. To what crystalline system may the Palace at Sydenham be re- | ones. Show pe sennian ¢ the we rally, and te dome or doma in particular to the longer axes; and state the relative number of plain and pretty faces on shilling and five shilling days respectively. | 5. Who is the author“of the following passage ? Construe it— Av adapuury pepe Bpoxe ovr Aaot vere w On very Bovp'003 op Zawt BapvaBas ovGovr, avd ip cr’ad xovrivved pop a xovawWepaBre AeryO op Tye PovAd BovBrdcas ’a By atrevded oud xovowepaBre Aogs of Ape avd mpowepti, Bur, x. 7. A, . Show that 1 penny = 3 halfpence, and quote authorities in su on that ~oles o of the opinion that P. Livy the Younger was the first

THE DANGER OF DOGMATISM. A Bisnop may be thankful that his charge 4y not a charge of ——< allowing you to think as I do, but dircetly you want me to think as/ but he should nevertheless remember that he stands some chance

you do, then it ’s gross LyToLERATION.

being cut up.

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Ins \. ch LS We | 47) 1 ' se \\\ Mh . \ f i, ip se \ Ry , j / ’ yf f ’ Lf ‘ ‘ | } y iy ‘ , Seize - KN fp ~ >, Pa | aa | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

ts SF aihy a Ye = ) > ww seth AW is : SS Ai a _— é tl . a J) < att i— ZW pa) ' ~ iN « .v 2m Va . i A } Y RW, Al 4 ' aaa] a A TRUMP CARD(IGAN). CLERKS AND CLODHOPPERS. Wuite the Agricultural interest has been looking up, the Com- | mercial interest seems to be looking down, or at all events, it often takes a very low view of clerks’ salaries. Every day supplies us with some instance of the dreadful discount to which commercial industry, ability, and integrity have fallen. The Zimes of the 11th of this month contained the following advertisement : {LERK WANTED.—Wanited an in-door Clerk, to take cash and keep a set of books. Salary £30 per annum. Address, stating age, &c. to the Early Closing Association, Ludgate Hill. Though we are advocates for “ early closing,” we should be sorry to aah pee man, prematurely shut up as an in-door clerk at thirty pounds per annum. Ifheis “to take cash,” it is rather a prudent step to stipulate for his staying in-doors, as it would be putting his | integrity to a rather severe test, if he were allowed to be at large on his miserable pay, with any of his employers’ money in his pocket. His | proposed salary is lls. 64d. per oul, which is about 5}¢. below the wages of 2 bourer. At this rate it seems more con- ducive to th and wealth to use a spade in the open air than to dig away with a steel pen in a close atmosphere. We cannot be surprised that while clerks are remunerated at less than bricklayers’ wages, the criminal courts should now and then be called upon to correct clerical errors. AN EXTRA-PAROCHIAL OFFICER. We must admit that Mazon Powys, Hon. Sec. to the Widows and Orphans Association, has shown himself, by his conduct, in the case of Ans Gopwry, to understand thoroughly the duties of a Relieving | Officer. As that conduct has been approved of by the Woolwich Com- | mittee, we now pees, what otherwise we should not have imagined, | that a Relieving im the Army is expected to dispense charity in the same spirit as that in which assistance is dispensed by the Relieving | Officer of the Workhouse. If this is the way in which relief is to | be admini to Soldiers’ Widows and Orphans, those Orphans and Gee ES eye te the guardianship of a regular Board of uardians.

AVARICE OF THE CHURCHYARD. We have often heard of the gaping and the greedy frre: and always supposed that it gaped for, and was greedy of, only dead bodies, and the valuables interred with them by social folly. It gapes, ac- cording to the letter of “A Town Curate” in the Times, for some- thing more. That clergyman, after relating a case of sad distress, |

| procee “ The sick person died, and in a few days the landlady of the lodgings applied to | me for money to pay the funeral expenses. The parish, she said, had dowe all it | could do—had given a coffin, a shroud, and means for the payment of half the neces- sary fees, the poor neighbours bad contributed their pence and halfpence, but still | there remained upwards of 5s. or 6s. to be provided before the burial could take place ; . . the girl was utterly unable to find the requisite money, the body could no jonger remain where it was; it must, as she expressed it, ‘be put under ground,’ and before the ground could be opened, these fees must be paid.” | So that the grave gapes not only for the poor remains of mortality, | but also for a sum u of twelve shillings : considerably _ perhaps, in some cases, For this money, however, the grave of course oes not gape on its own account. It gapes vicariously for some mon- ster—does that mean that it gapes for the Vicar, or is the Rector that monster whose mouth ought to be shut immediately ? RUSSIAN DUCKS AND GEESE. Tae wicked Czan’s subjects don’t swim on a pond, But they ’re ducks of the sort that belonged to Mrs. Bonn ; What seas of their blood he has caused to be spilled, Crying—“ Bless you, bless you, bless you, bless you, go and be killed!” To say they are geese ’twould perhaps be more right, For such an unmerciful brute pmo they fight, In whole flocks for me by whom they are drilled, With his “ Bless you, you, bless you, bless you, go and be killed!” A Hrst.—What if there should appear in the next European Family Recipe Book (revised in London and Paris) a direction How to take Greece out of Maps ?

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210 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Now tell me—am I authorised to say That with a single schooner and a crew Of twenty men—you could effect the object ? Tomkins, Mind you! There’s one condition ! Smith. Tomkins. 1 must do everything HOW TO TAKE CRONSTADT. It is a remarkable fact, that while the professional soldiers and sailors, the ex- perienced ge and admirals, find so much difficulty in terminating success- fully the War with Russia, it is impos- sible to go anywhere any day without find- ing somebody who if he could only have his own way, would Sebastopol, stadt, or any other stronghold of the 7am in less than == half an hour. The following scene took place in our pres- ence, not very long : ago, and we have thrown it into blank verse as being best suited to the heroic nature of the subject : SCENE,—A RAILWAY CARRIAGE. See ren DRAMATIS PERSON ZA. . Railway Travellers. + Station Master, Surrn Jos Tomains 5 The Train has just stopped. Smith, ’Tis a sad business, Sir, this Russian War. Jones. ’Tis very sad! hast seen the morning paper ? Smith. 1 have, ’tis very full of “latest news,’ So late as to have left the scene of action A week at least ere the events occurred, Which form the subject of the “ latest news.” Jones. The Electric Telegraph is truly called “A great invention ”—for it doth invent Some novel fiction nearly every day. Smith. That’s true, indeed; but tell me, Sir, what think you? Shall we succeed, or will this Russia beat us? Jones, Upon my word, the question puzzles me. But do you know the Station Master here ? One Tomkins—once a Master in the Navy. He ’|I tell us all about it. Smith, So he will! We couldn’t light upon a better man, Hi! Tomxrns. Jones (also calling). Tomkins! Mr, Tomxrns. Smith, He sees us, for he’s coming up this way. (TomMKINs appears at the window of the carriage. Tomkins, What is it, Gentlemen } Smith. We have been talking About the Russian War! Now, you can tell us, Now give us your opinion, Jones. Yes! now, TomxK.ys. You’ve been a sailor ! Tomkins. Yes! I’ve been afloat, And know a hawser from a marlingspike ; oy At least, I ought to (/aughing). 4 Jones (aside to Smith), He’s the very man. 1’d take his judgment sooner than I’d take The word of half the Admiralty Lords. Ge Now, ToMKINs, give us your opinion, do (aloud.) Tomkins, Well, as for that you see, the thing ’s as plain As that there railway signal. Jones. Ah! you mean, We might have taken Cronstadt, Tomkins, Might have taken ! Why bless you! let me have a single schooner, And put aboard a crew of twenty men, And I’d soon show the Admiralty folks How to take Cronstadt ! Smith, Would you though, indeed ! Tomkins. Oh! that I would! in less than half an hour. Jones. This is important—let me understand you. (Calling out of the carriage. Hi! > Pee ee ees aaa - vs _--— - And what ’s that ? own way. in my Jones, Of course! Why what would Wauzanescn have done nerals If he’d not had his way ? Tomkins. That ’s what I tell them. Give me (Yes! ring the bell!) a schooner (right /) With twenty men (whistles.) Good morning, Gentlemen. |The Train moves on. Smith, You see, what might be done, if Government Went to the proper men. Jones. Exactly so. Now, here’s a man—lost as a Station Master, Who, if he had the opportunity, Would— af (A fearful shrick from the railway whistle, followed by the whirling o the train into a tunnel, brings the Scenx to a close, PROTESTANTS AT A PREMIUM. THe announcement of a new Holy Office, to be called Taz PRO- TESTANT Lire Assunance Company, appears in the columns of some of our contemporaries. We have not seen the Prospectus, but we unders that the following is one fof the papers which every person will be required to fill up, who proposes to effect an Assurance with a Company bearing a very similar name, 1. What is your name ? ‘ 2. In what kind of edifice were you christened? Are you quite | sure A it was not, and never had been a Roman Catholic place of | worshi 3. awe you ever been afflicted with Puseyism ? d - 4. Do you r ly subscribe to buy a Guy, and assist, during certain hours at least, on the 5th of November, in carrying him about ! 5. Would you take wine with a Roman Catholic gentleman, or dance with a Roman Catholic lady ? 6. Did you ever call the Missal by any other name than the Mass Book, or speak of the Roman Catholic Clergy except as Popish priests ? 7. Were you ever troubled with the slightest doubt as to the ultimate ry of every lay and clerical professor of the Roman Catholic faith ? 8. Do you consider it possible for a Roman Catholic to do a good action ? 9. Could you be induced, whatever might be your complaint, to take a dose of Jesuit’s Bark ? 10. Would you drink 8. Jutiren, 8. Emtiron, 8, Peray, 8S. Esterue, or any other wine named after a Popish Saint ? 11. Would you do at Rome as they do at Rome? 12. Has your Grandmother, Great Aunt, Little Aunt, Wife, Sister, Niece, Female Cousin, Daughter, or Grandaughter ever worn as orna- ment a Cross of any kind ?_ 13. Have you been Vaccinated, and if so, was the lymph taken from . Protestant baby, and the operation performed by a Protestant octor 14. Do you feel a due aversion for the Douay version ? 15. Give a reference to an intimate friend who can satisfy the Office that you are in no danger of believing that any co ment about duty to your neighbour was ever intended to refer to a member of the Roman Catholic religion. A Winning Throw. Tue Times correspondent says that our Riflemen lately met some Russian soldiers in a quarry, and both being without ammunition they commenced pitching large blocks of granite at each other. It is evident from this that should: powder and shot fail, the war will not be at an end while our men can get within a stone’s throw of the enemy. Hos- tility has evidently been brought to such a pitch, that the parties will go on pitching into each other as long as there is anything with which the Allies can have a shy at the Russians. ECONOMY OF WAR. Pouiticat Economy says that supply should be proportioned to demand. If the same principle is observed in Military Economy with respect to reinforcements for the Crimea, it will be found the best economy in the end. Breacues Menpine at Sepastorot.—We are told by the Electric Telegraph that “the Bombardment continued, but the Breaches were always repaired.” Certainly, those Russians are good tailors. — —_— -

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Page 216

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Tae Temperance Commissioners __ In awful conclave sat, Their noses into this to poke, To poke them into that. In awful conclave sat they, And swore a solemn oath That snuff should make no Briton sneeze, That smokers all to smoke should cease ; They swore to conquer both. Forth went a great Teetotaller, With pamphlet armed and pen He travelled East, he travelled West, Tobacco to condemn. At length to Cantabrigia, To move her sons to shame ; Foredoomed to chaff and insult, That gallant Hero came. Tis Friday: to the Guildhall Come pouring in apace The Gownsmen and the Townsmen, Right through the market place. They meet, these bitter foemen, Not enemies but friends ; Then fearless to the rostrum The Lecturer_ascends. He cursed the martyr’d Ra.eicu, He cursed the mild cigar, He traced to pipe and cabbage leaf Consumption and catarrh ; He railed at simple bird’s-eye, _PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. And with rude and bitter jest assailed The yard of clay beside. When suddenly full twenty pipes, And weeds full twenty more, Were seen to rise at signal _Where none were seen before. No mouth but puffed out gaily A cloud of yellow fume, And merrily the curls of smoke Went circling through the room. In vain th’ indignant Mayor harangued, A mighty chandler he; While peas his hoary head around They whistled pleasantly. In vain he raed = inquired Mid many a wild “ urrah,” “ Of this what Father dear would think, Of that what dear Mamma ? ” In rushed a host of peelers, With a Sergeant at the head : JAGGARD to every kitchen known, Of “ Missusses ” the dread. In rushed that warlike multitude, Like bees from out their hive, With F.orry of the squinting eye, And fighting No, 5. Up sprang Lysrector Furry, Up Sexceant JaGGARp rose, And playfully with staff he tapped A Gownsman on the nose. THE BATTLE OF ALMA MATER. As falls a thundersmitten oak, ‘The valiant JacGanop fell, With a line above each ogle, a “ mouse” or two as well. But hark! the ery is “ Swurrxivs!” And loud the Gownsmen cheer, And lo! a stalwart Johnian Comes jostling from the rear : He eyed the flinching peelers, He aimed a deadly blow. Then quick before his fist went down Inspector, Marshal, Peelers, Town, While fiercer fought the joyful Gown To see the claret flow. They run, they run! to win the door The vanguished peelers flew ; They left the Sergeant’s hat behind, And the lecturer's surtout. Now, by our Lapy Marcanret, It was a goodly sight, To see that routed multitude Swept down the tide of flight. Then hurrah! for gallant SyurrKins, For Cantabs one hurrah ! Like wolves in quest of prey they scent A peeler from afar. Hurrah ! for all who strove and bled For liberty and right, What time within the Guildhall Was fought the glorious fight. By Freshmen only tried, | their practice every night at Astley’s. GUNNERY PRACTICE. Tue three wooden Guns that belong to the Allied Army go through | This practice consists in entering at full galop at the side-entrance on the right of the warlike | arena—defiling rapidly over the sawdusted plains that stretch them selves out in the on of an Amphitheatre at the foot of Alma—and then dashing impetuously up the platform that represents the steep bank of that redoubtable river—only the river, as viewed from the present Theatre of war, is not visible to the naked eye, or through an opera glass either. After executing these spirited evolutions, the three | guns, as soon as they have reached the topmost height, wheel round, fire one, two, three times—being exactly the number of tubes of | which an Astley’s piece of ordnance is ordinarily composed—and then disappear with the greatest speed and aiken by the O.P. wing of the army. ‘This movement is necessary to enable them | to come on again as soon as possible, and go through precisely | the same martial exercise. It gives a capital idea of numbers, and besides is a great rom perm 4 of men and expense. After this | manoeuvre has been yepeated with the greatest success two or three | times, the brave artillerymen retire to wash out, as is generally pre- sumed, the mouths of their guns—the liquid they apply to their mouths | | being generally a substance resembling very much im its appearance | | porter or half-and-half—either of which is said to be very efficacious in The Poetry of Chess, Somesopy has lately written, and somebody else has even published, but we should think that nobody ean have read, a Poem on Chess. Perhaps, however, the theme may not be a very bad one, as the ground work is chequered, and the characters are various. Church and state are represented in the King and Bishops, chivalry is present in the knights and castles, while the pawn is suggestive of the difficulties of every-day life. It must however require a high degree of poetical art to invest a set of chess men with the interest that belongs to the actions of men of a different material. The only mode of treatment | that occurs to us is to describe the adventures of a king having lost | his queen, and being ultimately ruined by another mate. | cleansing away the smoke that sometimes chokes them. | working classes. A good | artilleryman’s pay rarely exceeds a shilling a night. In addition to this, however, a certain allowance of powder is given to him, but on | the occasions above alluded to, every man is expected to pay his i | own shot. The Two Great Movements. Tue two great movements of the present day are the tremendous exertions of the Roman Catholics to extend their religion, and the strenuous endeavours of all good men to elevate the condition of the | These two movements, so dissimilar, and somewhat | contradictory in their tendency, nevertheless do agree in one important respect, for the object with each is decidedly a solemn desire to cele- brate the mass, Affecting Farewell Speech of a Brave Defender of his Country. (As heard, literally, every Evening, 10 m. p.7. pam., at Astley “ Comnapes, Honour calls us to the Field of Glory, but Time and | Tide wait for no man, not even for a British Soldier ! ” [| Rushes on board the Southampton Steamer.

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NS a tn rot, la oli Niels SE i SREP ere — Creer ct ee 216 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. JACK ASHORE. Policeman, “ Howto, Jack ! I suppose You're NOT SORRY TO ¢ FOR A BIT?” Jack (who hasn't got his shore legs yet). “Wrtt, IT aAIN’? SUCH A BAI a DaY OR TWO—ONLY IT’S SO PRECIOUS DIFFICUL? TO WALK STRAIGHT.” ADVICE TO CLERICAL AGENTS. In a recent advertisement, offering a “ Next Presentation for Sale,’ it was mentioned that “The incumbent is of very advanced age.” Chis, of course, meant, that the reverend gentleman was likely soon to die; so that hope deferred would not probably make sick the heart of any holy man on whose behalf the succession to the aged clergyman’s income might be purchased. Dead men’s shoes, however, have sometimes to be waited for a long time. The living wearers of the shoes are old men, but obstinate old men, and won’t die. The mere age, therefore, of the incumbent, affords insufficient information. It should also be mentioned whetber he is in an unpromising state of sound health, or labours under any hopeful infirmity or ailment which might reasonably be expected to compel him shortly to resign the Church for the Churchyard. “ Eighty years old and afflicted with ysis ;” “In his second childhood, and constitution breaking up:” these would be announcements giving a speculator something to go upon. If the incumbent had an aneurism of the aorta, or an ascertained disease of the heart, or was the subject of phthisis, those important circumstances should also be mentioned: a it might also be stated whether he was abstemious or given to excess in port wine, Guy's Nose Put out of Joint. Remember, Remember, ‘Lhe Fifth of November, Sebastopol, powder, and shot ; When Generat Lipranpi Charged Joun, Pat, and Sanpy, And a jolly good licking he got. RATIONAL RECREATION. We hope the Commissariat a provision enough to fully sustain the energy of our forces before Sebastopol. Plenty to eat must be necessary for such capital trenchermen. - CLERICAL SHERRY. Aw advertising wine merchant recommends some sherry on the ground that “many of the highest dignitaries m the Church are drinking it.” The description given of the sherry is rather clerical, for it is said to be “ pale and dry,” in which respect it resembles those white-faced and hard trust the “dignitaries of the Church” will not begin the practice of writing letters to their wine and spirit merchants to be used as puffs and advertisements. If the custom begins we shall soon hear of the Dean of So-and-So’s y a melancholy matter to the friends of the Church, if out of pure good nature, the great clerical dignitaries were to commence writing recommendations ot wines, spirits, or Peers, who are in the habit of puffing patent medicines. We should Jament to see a letter dated from a Bishop’s palace, and presenting a Bishop’s compliments to Mr. So- and-So, with a request for “six more bottles of that peculiar cream gin, which had diffused so much satisfaction rset out the Bishop’s family.” We should regret if even a mere Archdeacon were to be advertised as sending for Nevis,” which had been “ highly relished as the foundation intimate friends and acquaintances.” It is possible that “many of the highest dignitaries of the Church” may enjoy . good glass of sherry, as well as other people, but it is a little unseemly to find them quoted as an authority for the wares of a wine-merchant. Some clergymen can ap- preciate a cigar, but we should be sorry to see the tobaceonists’ windows filled with “ cheap clerical cheroots ” is companions to the “ penny Pickwicks.” THE CZAR’S DEBT OF GRATITUDE. We don’t think that the Emperor or Rvssta onght to send the order of St. Vraprmwie to Mr. Buren. A large | order for cotton goods would probably be more in that ME ON LAND gentleman’s way. Taz Inscription rystpE tHe Lorp Carer Baron’s Hat.—*“ Castor and Poitock’s.” PLACE FOR ANOTHER WAR WITH THE KAFFIRS. Our old enemies the Kaffirs have once more commenced hostilities and declared war against the enterprising individual who has brought over a small party of them for exhibitional purposes. The agreement with the Kaffir chief now in this country was, that he and his fellow savages should appear, in their native costume, consisting of a few beads and a blanket. Since the severe weather has set in, the Kaffirs have insisted on adding trowsers to their usual apparel, an arrangement which, while highly conducive to comfort, is wholly destructive of effect, inasmuch as a war dance in a pair of seventeen and sixpenny tweeds, is deprived of all its romance and half its reality. The proprietor of the affirs has, it is said, consulted the authorities with the view of tearing the objectionable garments from the legs of the Zulus, but it is evident that if the slave is free when he sets his foot on British soil, he is equally free to set his foot in a pair of British trowsers. We must confess that we are disposed to sympathise with the Kaffirs on this oceasion, for we think it rather hard that they should be stripped to the skin, in order that they may, as an exhibition, outstrip ~ eg petition. In any event it is impossible that their trowsers can be torn off by the hand of the law, and if they should thus be deprived of their dress, it is evident that they might claim re-dress from the legal tribunals of this country. A Roundabout Joke. Tue reader is particularly requested to go on to the end of the first paragraph, for though the commencement may be unpromising we guarantee him a joke at the end, which is warranted to repay perusal. Though it may not be prudent to buy a pig in a poke, it is advisable when purchasing a set of tire irons to select those made of pig iron, and thus it will be wise to buy a portion of a pig in a poker. Prosiem ror Masor Powys.—If you punish the Soldier’s Widow for having been deserted by her husband, then, if a Soldier deserts his colours, ought you not to flog the regiment ? looking parsons by whom it is poosehly petueniand, We | or perhaps even the Bishop of Blank’s brandy. It would be | even beer, after the fashion now so common among the | “another gallon of that delicious dew from the top of Ben | for a good sound toddy by several of the Archdeacon’s |

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JIGS THAT ARE BAD JOKES. Wak is something pretty. It is a light and elegant employment. Perhaps we shouldn’t say employment. Diversion may be the better word. Suppose we call wara pleasing, graceful species of pastime : for such it would seem to be considered by the world of fashion. “ Sebastopol—a new set of quadrilles, by D’Atsert;” “The Anglo- French Polka,” by the same Dancing-Master; “The Grand War Galop, Sebastopol, for the pianoforte, with splendidly Llustrated Title ;” “The Alma Galop ;” “The Alliance Quadrilles ;” and “The Bomarsund Quadrille,” are so many pieces of dance music all adver- tised in one column of the Jimes. To some minds war seems to the notion of such balls only as are set going by the fiddle and the cornet with pistons. The cornet with pistols and the Minié bullet would more naturally occur to others, and in tripping Sebastopol and Alma Quadrilles on the light fantastic toe, we should think that peo le of any fecling as well as fancy, would mentally stumble over the odies of the dying and wounded.

CHARITY BY PROXY. Mr. Puncn observes, in the list of donations to the Patriotic Fund, certain gifts, touching which he requests some Jittle explanation, He | reads that divers sums are subscribed by Assurance Companies. Now| Mr, Punch, having done more for the good of the services and of the | fund than any person in the world, is entitled to ask out of what | moneys these Assurance Companies pay their subscriptions, If the} payment is made out of the private purses of the directors and officials, | their liberality and modesty do them honour. But if the money is taken out of the profits of the Companies, money therefore which ought to be applied, according to contract, in increasing the bonuses, and other- | wise promoting the interests of the Assured, and of the Shareholders, Mr. Punch begs to remind the particularly benevolent gentlemen in question that they are not only beimg generous at no expense to them- PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 217

Mr. Bartams said the statement of their worthy Chairman was too true. Their intentions had been the best, but good intentions formed a pavement which he hoped he should never tread upon. They had proclaimed England to be a nation which had renounced war, even in self defence, had turned its sword into a shuttle, and its bayonet into a billy-roller, had yielded itself up altogether to commerce, and intended on no account ever to fight any more. The Emperor or Russia unfortunately believed this: the fear of England was before his eyes no longer: he gave loose to his ambition, and hence the disturbance of | the of the world, Considering the calamities which they, | unlucky a, had been the means, however much against their | wish, of bringing on this country, he submitted that they were bound to do their utmost to bring them to a conclusion, We were now at war, and the shortest way to peace was to prosecute the war vigorously. He therefore moved that a subseription be forthwith entered into by the Peace Society in aid of the funds at the disposal of the Government for carrying on the war. Mx. Carre seconded the motion. He with the last speaker, that they had been making the noise that had brought down the wolf on the fold. In fact, they had been bleating much too loud, Mr. Dovey said he wished their intentions had been as good as his brother Bartams had described them; but be, for one, was ashamed to say that although he had been, he hoped, to a certain extent sincere, he had, as a public advocate of peace, been too much carried away by a love of tea, of playing pretty, of waving handkerchiefs, of cheers, of notoriety, and approbation, and_ by a sentiment of spoonyism. On this account his conscience now pricked him, as he had no doubt was the case with many he beheld around him. They had too much cause to look sheepish : but it would be better to do their utmost to repair the mischief to which they had so largely contributed. Let them now contribute as largely what he might well call their conscience money : and he would propose that they should subscribe an additional sum for the support of the widows and orphans of our brave soldiers who fell | in fighting to restore that peace which had mainly been interrupted through the ill-judged agitation of the Peacemakers. The motion was seconded by Ma. Corps; who expressed a hope that Government would devote a portion of the new supplies which they would be furnished with to the provision of larger Lancaster guns and a greater proportion of Minié rifles to carry out the objects of the Peace Society: and after singing God save the Queen and Rule Britannia |the meeting separated, selves, but that they are actually robbing other people in order to make ° a show in the subscription columns. This would be a species of Assurance of so remarkable a character that Mr. Punch, if certified of its existence, would assuredly bring out his own Great Moral Engine, and play upon the offices themselves until all sham completely got under. Meantime, he will just trouble certain function- aries, called Auditors, to get up the law of meum and tuum before they are called upon to revise the next set of balance sheets. THE PEACE SOCIETY IN EARNEST. Pusuic expectation has been somewhat disappointed by the Peace Society, which, it was naturally supposed, woul display an activity during war, corresponding to that evinced by the medical profession in time of pestilence. Till very lately, however, no effort has been made by that once busy association, tending in any degree to a pacification be- tween the belligerent Powers. But a meeting composed of members of the Society was, we are happy to announce, held yesterday, in the large room at tiie Olive Branch, for the purpose of considering what steps to take with a view of effecting the speediest cessation of hostilities. The Chair was occupied by Ma. Betiwetuer, who after dwelling upon the horrors of war, as now exhibited and experienced in the Crimea, stated that the preven- tion of those horrors was the object for which the Society had been constituted. That object, however, had certainly not been attained, | and he wished that was the worst that could be said; but the fact was, a general impression began to prevail that, so far from tending to the prevention of war and bloodshed, their exertions, in fact, had tended to entail upon Europe and the country those very evils which they had been so anxious to avert. - proof, triotic fire were |~ Yj <j ‘ = ow : ate oy = r _ { _ —— 2 es me s J, Gj 4 _ ¢ asl _ a ee CARTRIDGE. BLANK Going the Whole Pump. TerroTatismM has its extravagances like everything else, and the head may be turned by water as effectually, if not so rapidly, as by whiskey. We have lately heard of asad instance of aberration in a teetotal intellect, the result of which was, that the unfortunate victim threw away a handsome Macintosh wrapper because it was water-

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218 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

: And our terrible war engifes must be manned by hearts S SURSUM CORDA. _ unquaking, ; Nerved by our prayers and hopes at home to do their IS no time for looking palely, deed of woe ‘tis no time for gloomy With an awful resolution and with steady purpose slaking fancies, 7 “ ‘Their revenge fortheir brave leaders who were slaughtered While the Alma’s shouts by the foe. of Victory are ringing in ,. sins the ear, They must hear no ery or wailing—we want arms strong i Solemn brows, but stern as and uny elding tel ; solemn, hopeful hearts As po metal of the cannon they are pointing at the anc ond hich glance Own : a ao pages Fors free- They are — fiercely, grimly, as those great guns they i * ae quite mineai are wielding; ; oe | A... . of 4 — Do ye think tney deign to doubt those granite walls will . toy ple down ? { Did our heioes perish vainly wed F 4 on that wild September For young Watsnam’s spirit ’s with them—he their gallant morning, young boy-leader, :. When the Chivalry of | Who with fiery valour followed on the flying Russian’s ‘ Britain and the warriors track i of Gaul Till he perish’d at his‘cannon, Can they need a nobler j In yon cruel Tartar vineyard pleader ? ; taught the foeman such And, remembering his glory, can ye think they will turn j fierce warning ? back ? Have we learnt no nobler! _ aan lesson from their valour Nor alone who died in battle have a debt which we must

; and their fall ? pay them, . , They who sank in strife more hopeless with no war cry When our leagner-brethren’s leader with a cruel anguish stricken, in their ears ; Scorned the down-bed and the pillow and the nurses’ aid to die, And whose torments had no soothing shouts of Vict’ry to Was it only for a moment, that we felt our hearts’ pulse quicken allay them, ; To our soldiers’ Tartar watchfires, and before the leaguer’d wall Tis no time for looking palely, ’tis no time for gloomy | : Of tne Russians’ frowning fortress, 1s it well that they should ponder _ fancies, ; e. eee ‘ Ilow ungrateful hearts in England doubt their power to make them fall! | While the Alma’s shouts of Victory are ringing in our | i ears; ; Should the Welchman’s bold battalion, which the sun of Albuer: Solemn brows, but stern as solemn, hopeful hearts and 3 Lit to such a field of glory, and to such a field of death, | high proud glances Whence its ancient laurels dyed in noble blood have issued fairer, | More beseem a British freeman than white cheeks and And to hear whose fatal prowess e’en the “ bravest hold their breath ;” words of fear. Should the Guards of Royal England in their trenches gaily singing Se Of the valour and the glories of the British Grenadiers, sigpon, F 7 While their comrades’ shouts of triumph through the smoky air are ringing, A JOKE BY A TEETOTALLER. Be told that men at home are trembling with unworthy fears ? it has been considered no less difficult to make a pun on toast and water, than to manufacture a steam engine on the same flimsy fluid. A good sound joke is believed to require a certain amount of stamina in the maker, and it is therefore a commonly received opinion, that a jeu d’esprit Should our glorious Chieftain, he with eye so true and so discerning, He who learnt his stern war lesson from the greatest of the earth ; And now in his life’s evening with a soldier’s soul is yearning To leave a name like WeLuincron’s for valour and for worth ;

Should the Prince of Royal England, who with soul true to his station, by a Teetotaller will be deficient in body as well as in And despising courtly cavils, urged his Cousin on the Throne, spirit. We are, therefore, } wo to extend much in- That as Prince no less than soldier he was one of a free nation, dulgence to the juvenile effort of an ambitious member And besought to strike a blow for England’s honour and his own ; of one of the Infant Bands of Hope, who, on hearing it said that teetotalism was “ Utopian,” is said to have } Should these gallant hearts be told that owr hearts have grown so craven, replied, “‘I think you Topers are far more Utopian than af That their doughtiest deeds of daring cannot rouse us as they ought, we are.” As a mild instance of feeble-minded facetie, ; And that like the dismal croaking of poor Por’s unearthly raven, this joke, without point, may be considered almost as We are crying, “ Never more” shall fields be won though they be fought ! harmless, if not quite so ingenious, as the Chinese anomaly : z. 7 of fireworks without fire. Nor alone the /iving hear us our manhood thus forswearing,

And forgetting our high kindred with the brave and with the true ; . ———— Pallid spectres on the rugged banks of Alma may be hearing, —__ Russia Holds on by a Rope of Sand. And though they be dead, our hearts shall seem the colder of the two : , It is rumoured—and we only hope that the rumour is

| Gallant Cruester little pondered when his country’s flag he planted true—that there is “a deal of sand in the Russian gun- Bil On the stronghold of the foeman, and, his task completed, died, powder at Sebastopol.” This is all of a grain with the ¢ That of hearts like his, so loyal to the death, and so undaunted, wooden cannonballs, and the fortifications at Cronstadt, : We should dare to have misgivings, or to think except with pride. which are said to be in many places but little stronger + than park-palings. Moreover there is every chanes ‘ax 4 Cust and Curwrton, who remind us that the men of noble breeding the above rumour being true, for we know from experience 5: Are as stern and stubborn soldiers as their brethren from the plough, how all Russian officials, in their dealings with Govern- 7 oe | And the humbler dead beside them, must not feel their wounds fresh bleeding ment, delight in throwmg sand in the eyes of the At the breath of our cold words, for they may hear them even now! Emperor.

Ir is not often that a Teetotaller attempts a joke, for |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

219

WONDERS OF RUSSIAN WINTER. om HE weather is so cold in Russia, according | hound till liberated by a thaw. to A Constant Reap- ER, writing to the Times, that—

‘in a letter mtended to cal Russian Officers in pulling | ‘ for in severe cold the ex-| shot with a long bow. tremities are completely ¢ devoid of sensation.”

This is a very re- markable statement; and more so, inas-| much as the writer} MARKET. Tue 7imes corres had to break his bran- | topol as follows— dy with a hammer for

confirmation ; for sup- ligaments, and ten- | Where we never venture.” dons of the ankle-joint |

together in the boot-jack® Cold, to be so in tense, and so peculiar in its operation, as this would amount to, must be capable of freezing the notes in a bugle, and keeping’ them frost- Startling, how- ever, as the assertion ofthe Zimes correspond- ent may appear, we do not te to it. It oceurs | attention to the “ It is not uncommon for | necessity of providing our troops in the Crimea off their boots to pall off | with winter clothing. If the writer has succeeded their feetor toes with them, | ‘2 his aim, we shall not complain of his having SEBASTOPOL GEESE IN THE HAY- spongent—(and how gloriously also says that he has| he handles his quill)—writes from before Sebas- , : “ Down in this valley [the Inkermann valley) is a fine breakfast ! Like other | flock of tame geese, swimming on a pond near a house; the intelligence from Rus- | owners have long since deserted both the geese and the o i ire | house. Many a longing eye is cast upon these geese, but sia, it seems to require | the risk is great; any one venturing down so steep a hill b | to get the geese would run every risk of being caught by pose the integuments, | the Cousacks, who are always prowling about the valley, This is written on the 2nd of November. of a given Russian | Oddly enough, all these tame geese took flight Officer to have been a day or two afterwards, and alighted in the so congealed by in-| Haymarket Theatre on Saturday, the 18th instant, tense cold as to have| where they made their presence very loudly Ne ~ become extremely brit- | known to the author of The Sentinel of the Alma. si te, would they not | Never—since the days of the Capitol—never did still be sufficiently | geese acquit themselves more strong to resist the Russian Officer’s own pull ? were frozen to ice, exert the force necessary to separate the leg from the foot and leave both ' mann geese,

= ey ww

| Tae wind of dawn is breathing, the mists of night are wreathing Up from the valley, in white swathes the mountain ranges sheathing ; Full oft in the fight you’ve aforetime stood neighbours, But ne’er in more desperate fray. The First Royal Irish are hard on your track, With the Fourth Dragoon ntl at their side, And the gallant First Royals, that never showed back, Nor found foe that their onset defied. On they dash, boot to boot, bended brow and bare blade THE BATTLE OF BALAKLAVA. Watch-fires are burning dimly ; hill-batteries frowning grimly : Troop-horses in the plain below at the picquets tethered trimly : And the Turks in the redoubts, and the sailors on the hill, And the Highlanders, within their tents, in the gray dawn, sleeping still When in with hot haste riding, our out-picquets bring tiding, That the Russians in force within the Eastern gorge are hiding. “ Boot and saddle,” and “reveil/é,” in the cool clear air ring gaily, And horse and foot are forming, all eager for the mélée ; Marine and sailor batteries are alive with fuse and match ; Every English heart’s a-fire,—every English eye ’s a-watch. Manned by our Turkish ally five redoubts command the valley ; From a gorge, a short mile distant, the Russian vanguard sally : n péle-méle on. the foe, like a bolt from a bow, With a cheer, loud and clear as a trumpet, they go. | They have past, like a blast—but their work is not done. | Fresh Out-flanked and out-numbered, what rescue may be ? Hurrah! the Dragoons and tke Royals so true,— They ’li finish what work you have left them to do ! Tirailleurs and Cossacks dashing o’er the plain, with lance-points Soon they clear all the rear, with the sweep of their blades, flashi And that shout tells the rout of the Russian brigades.} What care they for the numbers against them arrayed ?, uadrons close round them: ’tis one man to three! ) : aithfully, or in Could the muscles of the thigh, if the feet|a better cause, than these geese; these Inker- Through a line, twice their length, and three deep for their one ng— Now they open! Two field-batteries their showers of grape send crashing; | Oh, would to God that gallant charge had closed the bloody day ! 10 And as the smoke blows over, six squares of Russian Three on each flank, en échelon, proclaim the foe in force. The redoubts with shell they’re plying. By Heaven, the Turks are flying! “?r > > Under Cossack lance and sabre, by scores, like cowards dying! Twas sublime, but *twas not w rse, Then clear of blame had shone the fame of Balaklava’s fray ; But who is there, with patient tongue the sorry tale to tell, How our Light brigade, true martyrs to the point of honour, fell ! are,” that charge of woe and wrack, Curse the slaves, and never mind them; there are British hearts That led six hundred to the guns, and brought two hundred back ! behind them, With British bayonets sharp and sure—and so the foe shall find them. | While shot and shell and rifle-ba Two deep the gallant Ninety-third are formed to bear the brunt ; And the Russian horse come thundering on that unshaken front ! They ’re at six hundred paces—wait till you see their faces— Down go the rifles, with a fire, that empties scores of places ; But on their line still dashes, when a second volley flashes, Unfaltering, unquestioning, they rode upon their death ! Enough! the order came to <~p and charge they did—like men ; 1 played on them down the glen. Though thirty guns were ranged in front, not one drew bated breath. Nor by five times their number of all arms could they be stayed ; And with two lives for one of ours, e’en then, the Russians paid : Till torn with shot and rent with shell, a spent and bleeding few,— And as lightning cleaves a cloud, through the Russian squadron crashes; Life won against those fearful odds,—from the grapple they withdrew. Down, rear and van, go horse and man, the wounded with the slain— be . s That mounted host will count the cost, ere they charge our Scots again! But still like wounded lions, their faces to the foe, More conquerors than conquered, they fall back stern and slow ; Meanwhile their chargers reining, and their own hot hearts restraining, With dinted arms and Our heavy horse upon the right mactive are remaining— The hill their squadrons hiding, when o’er its summit riding, All a blaze with blue and silver, and in their strength confiding, The Russian horse, in triple force, to what our line can show, With loosened rein, upon the plain dash, shouting as they go. weary steeds Where thirty answered muster at dawn now answer ten,

Ob, woe’s me for such officers !—Oh, woe ’s me for such men ! Whose was the blame ? Name not his name, but rather seek to hide If he live, leave him to conscience—to God, if he have died : —all bruised and soiled and worn— Is this the wreck of all that rode so bravely out this morn? | In spurs, and out sabres! Now bend to your labours, But for you, true band of heroes, you have done your duty well : Enniskillen, and gallant Scots Gray ! Your country asks not, to what end; it knows but how you fell! VOL, XXVII. 7 Zz

wt

mat! AP BB.

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220 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON WHO HAS SEEN HIM ? for light and amusing periodieal literature a little publication known as the Police Gazette has not attracted a larger share of public attention, as we feel convinced that a man might, without difficulty, make the grand tour without meeting with a tithe of such eccentric individuals, both in dress and personal appearance, as are therein weekly held up to public execration. We select from this charming journal the description of two gentlemen who have modestly quitted their friends without leaving an address : “ Escaped from Shiffnal Lock-ups, on the night of the 18th instant, charged with Felony, Josera Evaxs. He is about fifty years of age, five feet five inches high, light hair, fresh complexion; had 1 a drab billyeoek hat, a brown coat, patched on the sleeves with « light coloured blue waistcoat red neckerchief and fustian trowsers one hob-nailed half-beot. His parents reside at Bromstead- heath, near Newport, Salop. He worked lately with a horse at a village a few miles above Welsh- pool. Information to be given to Jouw Gairrrrns, Police Constable, 26, Shiffaal, who will pay 1 Reward on his apprehension.”—Bow Street, Uctober 23. at inns tah men ed Can any of our readers, predict how long the individual is destined to retain his iberty, who is destribed as having escaped from “ the Shiffnal Lock-ups,” dressed in “a drab billycock hat and a brown coat patched on the sleeves with a light coloured r blue waistcoat, red neckerchief, and fustian trowsers, one hob-nailed half-boot,” for on reference to the punctuation we find the patches to have been composed of these materials. We should imagine that unless his career had been ere this cut : short, the 5th of November can hardly have passed without his having been called on to play a conspicuous part. a “ Escaped, from the Defence Hulk, at Woolwich, on the 20th instant, Mries Conrrer, twenty-three years of age, five feet six inches high, light brown hair, grey eyes, fresh complexion, aad slight made; aman in fighting attitude, man, woman, mermaid, and anchor on left arm; half moon, seven stars, crucifix, ship, and hope on right arm; man and woman, T.C. and C.C., M.L. M.B.on breast. By trade a tailor, anda native of Manchester.”— Bow Street, October 21. The difficulty of recapturing Mites Conrrey would, we think, certainly be increased by that gentleman’s peculiar eligibility for the part of an Indian chief ; in any caravan in which additional attraction was required, as with a man ina F fighting attitude, a man, woman, mermaid, and anchor, on his left arm, a half-moon, i seven stars, crucifix, shyp, and hope on his right arm, and a man and woman, and T.C., C.C., M.L., and M.B. on his breast, be would have little difficulty in con- vinemg the most sceptical of his having originated in a locality where tattoo is a national characteristic. With a view of assisting the endeavours of our enter- f prising cotemporary, we present our readers with the portrait of Mra. Mies oh ConrreyY, without which their labours can hardly, we think, be said to be complete. 1 | Crertcat Lwrormation.—The Cloth Market at Leeds is not the Market in | which Advowsons and Next Presentations are put up to sale. CHARIVARI. | Ir has often appeared to us extraordinary that in the rage now prevailing | THE BATTLE OF GUY FAWKES DAY. Supplement to “ The British Grenadier.”) ’T was on the Filth of November The Russian Forces ran, And long will they remember The fight of Inkermann. That day they were defeated Of all days in the year; | That day they lost when they bayonets crossed With the British Grenadier. Our cannons did salute them, In honour of the day, Our riflemen did shoot them, And swept their hosts away ; We threw them shells for crackers, They found our rockets queer, But hand to hand they d not stand With the British Grenadier. *T was very gratifying To see them walk their chalks, ? And think we sent them flying In keeping up Guy Fawkes ; Their slaughter was tremendous ; Our loss has been severe; But you’|I reinforce the ranks, of course, Of the British Grenadier. “PATENT ON THE FACE OF IT.” We used to think that the lawyer who made a charge for anxiety of mind, and trying to borrow money which he didn’t get, was a unique specimen. of coolness; but the | individuals in Chancery Lane, who charge a shilling for looking for papers which they haven’t got, or cannot find, | afford equally good specimens of that amiable quality. We hope our readers may not have occasion to make frequent application to the Patent Offices—though perhaps one visit would be well repaid by an inspection of the ingenious machinery for raising the wind which is in operation there. The following little scene, which, with slight alterations, | has had a run of a considerable number of years, will give an idea of the profit to which the ingenious contrivance can be worked in judicious hands : (Inside of Messrs. A. & B.’s offices.) Gentleman. Pray can you let me see Snooxs’s patent for extracting sunbeams from cucumbers ? | Clerk (looking in a book for half a minute). Aint got it, | you ’ll most likely see it at C. & D.’s, close by. | Gentleman (going). Oh! thank you. | Clerk. Shillmg, please Sir. | Gentleman. A Shilling! What for ? Clerk. Searching the books. (He had looked at am alphabetical list for half a minute.) Gentleman {giving the shilling).—FI’m. [Scene changes to C. & D.’s offices, where a similar dialogue ensues, and | another shilling is paid, and gentleman is referred to E.. & F's offices. (Inside of ¥.. & ¥F.’s offices.) | Gentleman. Have you Syooxs’s patent for extracting sunbeams from cucumbers ? } Clerk. Yes, Sir—One Shilling. Gentleman. Let me look at it, if you please. | Clerk. Yes, Sir—One Shilling, Sir. (rentleman (taking out his note book), Oh, another Shilling! Well, | want to make an extract or two. Clerk. Yes, Sir—One Shilling searching, one shilling reference, three shillings reading—five shillings, Sir. Gentleman. Yes! and Two Shillings to your friend close by—Seven Shillings! Very ingenious, but very scandalous. Ill write to Punch / Hogg’s Instructor. THe papers announce that at Glasgow there has been a positive panic in pig iron. Our own notion of pig iron is derived io our having seen an iron ring suspended to the | nasal organ of the pig, and we have always au idea that there must bea good deal of what is called “ paying through | the nose” for such an article. Wecan thoroughly understand a panic among the pigs themselves with respect to the iromin |question. We presume that the money market will not be | seriously affeeted, for as the panie relates to iron “im the pig,” ithe great Jew capitalists will have had nothing to do with it.

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Pr saoRpnere & &@ | more | Masesty’s emblems than they would do of the same trash in a plain | : : a | chip-box. Government is not ashamed, for a consideration, te lend is He would think, aloud, Sir—the sort of Alderman that you contem- PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A QUACK AND A QUERY. THE VICTORY OF CHRIST’S HOSPITAL. Hanpstit’ has been forwarded Or all persons remarkable for fairness, liberality, and tolerance, to Mr. Punch, containing a for a high estimate of their duties, and a low opinion of themselves, rather choice specimen of the Hospital Committeemen in general may be said to stand foremost—by abominable lies with which the anybody who does not mind making a bold assertion. quack medicine-mongers en- A splendid example of this rule has been afforded by the Committee denweur to improve the sale of of Almoners of Christ’s Hospital, m trying to procure the expulsion of their pernicious trash. It sets Dr. Jacos from the Head of the Bluecoat School, for forth that an Indian Captain’s having, in preaching them a sermem from the pulpit, pointed out to little girl, aged eight, was in them certain defects in the pecqenent of that [nstitution, which it such a state of disease from was their duty to amend. The of these high-minded gentlemen dropsy that she was given over in this generous attempt, is to be regretted by Beadledom. What by the doctors, that ber face renders it the more ous is the deeision of the Court of Governors was “a mass of complete ulcer- that the thanks of eS aocien should, en the contrary, be presented ation,” and that her teethwere to Dr. Jacos for his sermon: for thus has that Reverend Doctor been #0 clenched that her affection- plared in a better position tham he was im before ; instead of being ate father, desiring to cure her, + rumed. had to wrench her mouth open The proceeding on the oeeasion of De. Jacon’s impeachment appear | “with a wedge” in order “to to have been not altogether dreary. A Member of the Committee of force dowf a dozen of pills, Almoners, one Ma. Dampr, seems to have afforded some amusement to No. 2.” The very next dayshe the meeting. We think we see and hear Mx. Danny; who is reported | dressed herself, and by the 7imes to have thus expressed his fine and gentlemaniike feelings got up, aw I; 4 : ’ was “ discovered sitting en a of indignation against Dr. Jacoz :— “ ; a plate of bam and Pag and her father “ has never “Dr. Jacon bad also said that the Committee had mot been careful in their selection f her ailing simee.” The Indian Captam seems to have some ot the Under-Masters; and was not that an impatation upon those gentlemen? He - - im a great liar, for he Pel wo begged to tell Dr. Jacos and that meeting that noneof the Under-Masters had been slow belief.” But Wr. Punch —— who had brought with as high testimonials as those af Da. J acow t | space upon the abo iracle merel ae : narrative iss litle more clamsy and audacious than the majority of | Any one who has had the of hearing an active Committec- similar manufactures. These is a special class of idiots for whom pitis ™an of any Charity abusing one of the officers of the Institution, will | and puffs are made, and upon whom all argument would be thrown have no —s in imagining the inflamed eountenance, and the expl.- away. They would out grim, and go away and swallow another dose, a bluff . If Mm Danser is not bluff, we n. | But Mr. Punch observes something in this handbill which indmees| _ After accusing Dr. Jacos of eoncealing the truth and telling a lic, _ and the box into the bargnin, if recommended to do so. | him to request five mimutes’ audience from the Rient How. Wuxi the worshipful Ma, Danser is represented to have put the case Ewart Giapstong, Chaneellor of the Exchequer, and of the Viscount following :— ; d | Pataerston, Ho “ Now let him ask some of the Al@ermen of the of London what they woul me A The rubbish whieh the ‘ill in question is intended to puff is sold— | think of the official Chaplain of the Lonp Mayor, if he mated from the pulpit in | ‘ eee . . -. one of his sermons that not one of those same Aldermen had ever been chosen to fill more shame to Mr. Grapstonz—under a Government stamp. It is that office b oF bike ing ony one ef Gp qualifications requiaite for the thus “oney accredited and recommended to the ignorant, who think | discharge of the duties of it? (Great laughter.)” tighly of any mess wrapped up in paper adorned with HzR| What would an Alderman think of such a Chaplain, Mr. Darsy? | lam ' “ ° ? o_onch! W influence to the quack. But this is an old-standing complaint, and |? He would say “Bough-ough-ough? What?—ough! What, | Mr. Grapstowg, and Mr. Disrarts, and Stx Cuartes Woop, and| ‘he Lorp Maxor’s own—ough ough !~ Chaplain ?—-ough !—teach us | Mr. Barinc, and Lorp Monteacie, and a whole file of other | 2% duty '—ough }—servant—ough ough pest the—ough —Impu- Chancellors of the Exchequer, have given, or been ready with the hack dence—ough ough never i my life, Sir !—ough !—heard of an answer that “ the finances of the nation are not in a condition to permit ee ough ee ing f : '—have - oo a $i any sacrifice of revenue at the present moment.” ‘This is the reply to|°™ ("8 Dack, Sir | oug' Ms. Se ee ee ee every proposition for reform, until a significant demonstration by the °US! ~— bee the —- pate ~—sagh ong —peneiving our : oe: money— -ough-ough! Send him about his business ! —, Mowe of Commons es a different newer more pradent, aed then Of such gentlemen as Mr. Darsy’s ideal Alderman does the Charist’s down goes the grievance. Some evening, no doubt, before the House : : : goes into Committee on some Ministerial scheme, the ( sovernment of Hospital Committee of Almoners appear to be constituted. - day _ be compelled to promise dissolution of its partnership with | meee es | the quacks. But Mr. GLapstonE ought not, we think, to do more, by affixing his | Story from Sebastopol. Royal Mistress’s Seal upon quack medicines, than recommend them. | . F | We do not think that he ought, for the sake of the revenue, to mg Beane seven a mowed Se he a Be Caprese assist in discountenancing an invaluable preventive of disease, and in ‘iol ean ett he” The Gallant C ‘ims nn ~ = in discouraging obedience to an Act of Parliament, recently carried — be ed tly British, both as ap poor tte French ‘an te through by his own colleague. In the very handbill to which we allude, fecling’ Peut-diiee, Raw er Sonate solar mille autres béice | | and which is folded round the “medicine ” whose miracles it narrates, parfaitement préts de vous donner us poreil a licking—a@ la plus | the Indian Captain is made to say :— courte netien, Maaiaeaes dean” “T attribute all my ailings, weakness, and diseases to having been bled once, and VacousaTep.” | There is no need, of course, to tell Mr. Punch, Mz. Giapstone, or | MODERN BARBERISM. any reader of these lines, that the Indian Captain comes out of the! Somesnopy advertises a pomade for the allied armies, “ warranted to | same inkstand from which spring so many Yorkshire Farmers, Marine | give a graceful turn to the whiskers and moustache.” Considering Beneficed Clergymen, Ladies of Fortune, Retired Solicitors, how much is in the scale, and that life and death are in the balance, and other myths, who recount ludicrous cures, and give almost as | we think it not at all likely that the gallant soldiers m the Crimea will | ludicrous addresses. But the doctrine that Vaccination is injurious, is | trouble themselves about the mere turn of a hair. ame = oe | ief, ba gan’ a ay fool wate 3 a clumsy quack invented t ter. under the stam the Government | : which introduced the Compulsory Vaccination "act, most properly | Great Cry, but Little Weel. | enforced under Lorp Pataerston’s direction, is circulated a notice) We suspect that the Manchester Men raise such a cry about the ’s ailings, weakness, and diseases may be attributed to| War purposely, im order that they may force us to buy a quantity of | jon. - cotton for our ears, commun us being fairly deafened with the absurd | | Are the e to consider Patmenston’s Lancet as their Bane, and | noise they are continually making about it. | Giapstone’s Pill Box as their Antidote? We do think that they have | aright to complain of what Mrs. Malaprop would call the Vaccinating | Policy of the Government. TOO LATE NOW. | Wuat a pity it is that before plunging Europe into war, Nicuo.as had not consulted a competent actuary, who might have given hum Morro ror oun Gattant Freycu Awiies.—Zonaveter et fortiter. | some idea of the value of human life !

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a ret. me te ketene. j ; ,

Sy Me y \) He ] 4 i FT TAI ee | Ma 2 ns Zt

'

sa —<—_ a —_ = —_ THE CZAR TO HIS CUBS. Czar, “ Weicome, my CurLpren; INKeRMANN Is 222 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

a Gitoriovs Victory FoR you.” Ouls. “Aw Stine, 1 THaT 1s Victory, WE SHOULD LIKE TO HAVE A DereaTt THE NEXT Tre!”

THE BATTLE OF THE BUNGS. Tre anthor of the Great Taptubopolis may smile with contempt upon his enemies. He still serves out bis foaming small-beer at fivepence a morning pot to thirsty thousands. His triumph, however, conveys a most mt moral if men will only be wise enough to accept and profit by it. In the first. place, it shows the danger of education to the editorial mind; in the second, it marvellously illustrates the use and advantage of a shake of the hand by a Member of Parliament. Nothing | can be more touching than the tribute paid by publican Homer to the licensed vietualling editor. Homer observed :— “ He was a proprietor of a paper which had a circulation of 10,000, but in consequence of having an editor who was a scholar brought up at Cambridge, bat who knew nothing of the practical working of a newspaper, it soon went down.” A great warning this, to all proprietors of newspapers! Let them + avoid Cambridge and Oxford, and—if they want, an editor—seeck in Mrs. Peachem’s school for manners, in Hockley-in-the-Hole. Homer would farther ask— ‘He would ask where was the Age, the Spectator, or Wanderer, the works which Steele, Addison, and Goldsmith, conducted? They were gone: those great authors lived to see their papers die.” Now, the author of the Taptudopolis, not being a great author, would certainly not survive the journal to which his shortcomings were so particularly valuable. But our author is much respected by the upper classes. Only to think it! Why, he is petted by the live sonof a live lord! “To show the feeling in the higher classes, last week a post-office order was received from a son of Lorp Ropsy, and a letter stating that he understood that the editorial management was changed, and if that were so he should discontinue subscribing to it.” This announcement made a very profound impression upon a meeting otherwise disposed to be a little noisy and irreverent. Homer con- tinued, like a master of oratory, keeping his grand fact for the last. “Now, Ma. Grant mixed with the very élite of society. When he (Mr. Howser) and | others of the committee went with Ma. Grayrt to the House ef Commons, he (Mr. Grant had the honour of shaking hands with J/r. Osborne, Ma. Disnakwi, and Ma. PETO.”

This was too much for the victuallers. The Pig-and-Whistle fainted ! The Marquis of Granby flung himself into the Angel’s arms, and the | Hen-and-Chickens sobbed on the bosom of the Mermaid. In the midst of these profound and varying emotions, Mr. Grant was introduced to the meeting astride a kilderkin, and the scissors of the Morning Bung- hole returned into his band: into the very hand that had been shaken by an Osborne, a Disrazi, and a PETO! '

A BLOW FOR A PUFF. Ir anything would increase our sympathy with the sick and wounded in the East, it would be the sickness aol and the wound inflicted on our feelings by the disgusting attempt of certain puffing tradesmen to make a profit out of the sufferings of our soldiers. The low-priced tailors, who always take the lead in any assault on the pockets of the public, have endeavoured to tack themselves on to the skirts of the Allied Armies by advertising a quantity of what they call Crimea Cloaks, Balaklava Wrappers, and Alma Overcoats. Considering that gallantry is not a quality for which the tailors, as a body, enjoy any very great credit, we are rather surprised at the impudence with which some of the fraternity have ventured to mix up their names with “the brave men who suffer in their country’s cause,” for we never heard of a tailor being made to bleed except by his non-paying customers. As our readers will doubtless share the disgust we have felt at reading Tailors’ advertisements headed with such clap-traps as “the Sick and Wounded at Alma;” we think it scarcely necessary to point out that the best mode of punishing this offensive mode of puffing is to deal with its authors by not dealing with them in any shape whatever. Biow your Horys.—The Standard expresses its opinion that Lorp ABERDEEN is a Snail. It may be so, but we shall be much s if, next session, he is found to carry a House with him.

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SSS. SS e— —e a y ae — es =. ewe ee ows eho ~~ ae —_— DecempBer 2, 1854.) 5 [Puxen, No. 699 a (Puyxen, No. .

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by,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 225 |fool and the other something else, the fool will be quite THE MATRIMONIAL INSTITUTION. | as likely as the other to hold his tongue about the matter. as | Route 8. Gives any lady or gentleman the privilege of We have before us at forwarding a portrait to the Director, who “will only show the present moment two jt to interested parties, after which the same will be rather interesting docu- returned any time when required.” ments—the one, a pro-| spectus of the “Matri-' This seems to us the only really valuable part of the monial Institution, John whole scheme, for the portraits, sent under such circum- Street, Adelphi,” andthe stances, would be likely to form such a gallery of remark- other a police report, able idiots as could not fail to interest the student of poofeening to throw some phrenology and physiology. ight on the mode im which the business of the — === | Institution is conducted. The prospectus com-| HOHENZOLLERN’S APPEAL. plains of public opinion, which “withholds from 43 sung at Sans Souci, with immense disapprobation by woman the right to which M. Cureqvor. | equality of intellect enti- tles her, viz., that of Parvo, my children, a unhappy Sire, making cheiee of a com- stain your name: | steep you m disgrace. — panion, and of giving But if that thought with rage your hearts inspire, | expression to that choice Oh put yourselves, my people, in my place when made.” The pro- | : ; ae object of the In. Before in thought my dastard’s nose you wring, i stitution is to enable Or forfeit honour oust with mental toe, ; woman “to ask sad to| Reflect, if I appear a reereant Kiva, } have” any male “com-| That I the model of a Brorigr show. a: a panion” she may take a ny wo See fe Europe and you from brute barbaric power. Ras oo Whilst you would join the battle of the brave, iH speedy, and successful mode whale ion I bid you skulk, and sneak, and quail, and cower. may be brought to- gether ”—a mode which is exemplified in the police report to which we have Above their savage foe’s malignant yell alluded. From this it appears that a young spooney in want of a wife was required [ hear a tender sister’s gentle sigh , to pay down a sum of £10 for the privilege of an introduction to a “nicely Who, if I crossed her Lord—would feel unwell. dressed and tolerably good looking lady,” waving a white handkerchief as a! : | Yes; but above the Freemen’s battle-cry England and France are up in arms to save | | | “signal ” in St. James’s Park, opposite the Duke of York’s Monument. Above the War’s whole thunder, of her heart The young spooney felt rather dissatisfied with the result, and sought another interview, which he was told by the secretary could only be arranged in the| Forgive me if I hear the anxious throbs, And of your Kine deeline to play the part usual “safe, speedy, and successful mode,” by a farther payment of money. The | For fear of her hysterics and lier sobs. oung “ spooney ” upon this confessed his folly to a friend not so green as Limealf ai Os but still sufficiently green to hope for the immediate return of the £10, a demand Tis sad, ’tis very sad, all that brave blood ; for which was met by “a violent personal attack” upon him by one of the we For Freedom shed ; yet pardon, subjects dear, “officials” of the institution. This led to an application at Bow Street for a| That I withhold my help to stay the flood, warrant, which was no sooner granted than, according to the report in the Times, | Because I know it would cost Her a tear. “the matter was arranged by the repayment of the £10—probably to prevent the Institution, of which we have a printed copy before us. Companions of my shame, my neighbours bend Before the Czar, for reasons like my own, Your German freedom fearful to defend. Rutz 1. Provides that “the Institution be conducted with the strictest confi- dence towards both sexes, so that the delicate sensibilities of the most modest lady | publicity.’ So much for the case in point, and now as to the general Rugs of I do not craw! in infamy alone, | } } | ' | will receive no shock.” Oh do not seornfully exelaim, that those, We can readily believe that there is not much to try the nerves of the ladies bd Who vo a oo eonty awe betrayed, with whom the Institution has to deal, and that the “ delicate sensibilities ” of that ‘That, to Re the = ey on — , i! “most modest lady” who waved a white handkerchief as a signal in St. James’s tat symbolise the sex by which they ’re swayed ! Park, were not in the least shocked by the apparition of the young spooney who Anglo- { had paid £10 for the privilege of an interview at the foot of the Duke of York’s — py | as —atye ieun. ; ; or ’ll rejoice that you had nought to pay, Rutz 2. Provides very prudently against “the annoyance of the curious” by | And whilst you thank me, gratefully bless Hen. requiring five shillings, as “a registration fee,” before anyone is “entitled to an interview with the Direetor.” Rue 3. Limits the chy a of the Institution to parties who are “respect- able” and professes to limit the charge to the registration fee, “ until a successful | selection takes place ”—a limitation which seems to be at variance with the alleged But curse me not, of liberty if stripped, And forced to venerate “ The Russian’s God,” Art, Learning, Genius, to Siberia whipped, You have to meekly kiss the Kalmuck rod. yment of £10 for a mere interview with an apparently anything but “select ” Still, if my memory must endure your hate, 1e emale party at the foot of the Duke of York’s Column. With resignation I accept the doom, Hl Rue 4. Provides for the payment of all letters, a regulation that must be I shall not fear your vengeance, then too late, , satisfactory to Mz. Rowtanp Huz1, as it prevents the loss of revenue that might | Nor feel my ignominy in the Tomb. arise if the Post-office had nothing but the “ Institution” to look to for postage. | f Rue 5. Prescribes a form of application which must contain the “age, size,| ° x ue. sphere, a of each applicant,” and contains a pane, that “on no A Difference between Father and Mother. 4 consideration are the names or residences of parties given up until they are both ; 4 com, and? satisfied that their respective circumstances and positions correspond.” It is to , ere dengue as both ihe F heey be presumed that when both are “satisfied” that both have been duped, “their | +h. two sexes 7 ben an old bachelor) in the above ; respective circumstances and positions” may be considered to “ correspond,” and iastense both & diesen rofound one. The “Land” may then know who is the other fool in the transaction. . P : ~ ; re ’ —-— \is clearly given to a “Father” because he is a man, and Routes 6 anv 7. Provide, among other matters, for placing in the hands of the! we know it is the province of Man in a country Director “an envelope sealed, and containing the real name and address, which |to hold the “Land;” but the “Tongue” is expressly will only be opened after all the preliminary proceedings have been discussed, thus | given to a “ Mother” because she is a Woman, and it is securing secrecy and honourable conduct.” e are not told whose “secrecy” is|well known that if Woman is a greater adept in one thing thus secured, but when there are two parties to a transaction, one of whom is a| than in another, it is in holding her tongue.

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hin Site Sapper arsenate | 226 PUNCH, OF THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE NEWCASTLE COSSACK. “Mr. Taomsow, a subscriber to the Newcastle Reading Rooms, who was notorious for his pro- Russian SHAKSPEARE PROTECTION SOCIETY. then, should poets be suffered to remain objects of the most barbarous persecution ? and fame of great bards ought to be respected, venerated as among the dearest national posses- sions. We are happy to say that this deep, this serious truth is fast possessing many influential persons, and the result is the formation of a Society for the Protection of S#Haxksprpare. his society has, it is said, been quickened into existence by the alarming report that Mr. Cuarces Kean is at this moment about to put in an appearance as Cardinal Wolsey! The play ot Henry the Kighth has been rehearsed at the Princess’s under the most solemn pledge of secresy on the t of the company, and with closed doors. Ker Mr. Cuartes Kean have become known, and SPEARE have at length determined to act with case. sympathies, bis exultation at news favourable to the Empenon Nicnoras, and his habit of marking such news in the papers belonging to the rooms, has been expelled, despite bis protest, by « resolutic Has he though ? and serve him right, Only they were too polite, We’d have paid him for his tricks, With a score of parting kicks. Fools—if they ’d be While a nation, roused to strife, Purs its treasure, pom its life— f a snob obtrudes his views, Toe, not talk’s the thing to use. Argue with a man of brains, Censure, where it’s worth your pains, But with booby or with brute, Hold your tongue, and heave your boot. Whom Joun Bui But this newsroom news may tend To convince the Russian’s friend That the traitor’s game, to-day, Is not one it’s safe to play. While a nation’s calm and still, Any fool may prate his fill, CHEAP HOSPITALITY AMONG THE CLERGY. Tur Examiner of last week called attention to a delicious bit of pluralism in the person of the Master of the Temple, who appears to be no less than “ five single gentlemen rolled into one,” if our contem- porary bas given an accurate list of the reverend individual’s — ments. He was already Master of the Temple, Canon of St. Paul’s, Lord Almoner’s Professor of Arabic at Cambridge, and Rector of Thurfield, when the Lord-Chancellor—perhaps with the view of trying the extent of clerical endurance, and ascertaining how mucha poor clergyman can really bear—thrust upon him a stall in Rochester Cathedral. That the Master of the Temple has not sunk under the burden, will be satisfactory to his friends, who—if he has a separate set of acquaintances for each of his several characters must be a very uumerous body. it has occurred to us that one advantage of this personal pluralism will be found in the facility it will afford for enjoying the pleasures of society at a cheap rate, or at all events getting a character for hospi- tality, without resorting to that extravagant outlay which is the great bane of the social habits of the present day, and renders it necessary for moderate people to live apart, or go to ruin amid the wreck of | jellies, the popping of champagne corks, and the unpaid bills of wine- newspaper. merchants and pastrycooks. As nobody thanks anybody for a plain dinner, and as everybody feels it necessary to outdo his neighbour in living beyond his income for the sake of display, the Master of the Temple may deem himself fortunate that he combines in his own person the materials for giving a dinner-party without | admitting a single stranger to his house, and that he sits down at his own table with a party sufficiently distinguished to entitle lis entertainments to a place in the Fashionable Intelligence of a But when feverish symptoms come, Not for Tuomson Puach would print Such a well-intentioned hint, But for snobs of larger mould, Lately something overbold. Be they Quakers, be they Greeks, Bigots, spies, or only sneaks, Writers, working for Ais cash Let them, ere it be too late, Learn from wretched Tuomson’s fate, ~ ae ‘That the slaverers of the Czar May, perchance, presume tvo far. For a struggle, stern and fair, Close the Lion and the Bear, But if Curs will join the fight— And get mangled—serve ’em right. n of the other subscribers.” De Bello Ang lo-Zallico. Y Ir is well known that the Empzror Nicworas safe—are dumb. j as a mighty historian. In this way, when he is writing graphic accounts of the war in the Gazette de St, Petersbourg and the IJuvalide Russe. n fact, a good title for the latter would he the “ Czar’s Commentaries,” and we have no has sworn to smash: doubt it will be re-issued ia some such form for the use of Russian schools, as something superior | to Csar’s, The Black Sea Reviver. Tue success of the Siege of Sebastopol would preserve the Black Sea in its natural colour, and permet it from being rendered a Russian Lake, or ‘armine, by being crimsoned with any more of the Czan’s Sinope massacres. | We subjoin a specimen of an article for the Morniag Post :— “ INTERESTING CLERICAL REUNION. “ One of the most interesting Réunions that we have lately heard of took place a few days ago, when the Reverend Master of the Temple entertained a select party of clerical dignitaries at his London residence. The entertainment was given in honour of the recent presentation of a stall in Rochester Cathedral to the newly appointed Canon. The guests present were the Lord Almoner’s Professor of Arabic at Cam- bridge University, one cf the Canons of St. Paul’s, the Rector of Thurfield, and the Canon of Rochester Cathedral. The Master of the Temple occupied the chair, and in proposing, after dinner, the usual toast of Church and State, he made some very serious reflections on ‘the unhappy divisions in the Church—divisions he was glad to see which were not participated in by the present company, which presented | a charming spectacle of Clerical unity,’ “The health of the newly-elected Canon of Rochester Cathedral having been drunk, the Reverend Gentleman returned thanks with much emotion, and expressed a hope that the same unity which had always existed between the other reverend dignitaries then present would not be disturbed in consequence of his having joined them, but that they would rather feel renewed vigour from the connection, on the ground that ‘ Union is Strengih.’ “ After some further compliments and congratulatory observations having passed, tea was announced, and the company rose as ope man.” A Case for the Enout. To a classical mind there may be alleged one excuse for some of the flogging which Nicwo.as may administer to his officers and editors. Their despatches and statements abound with the grossest false quantities. Nevertheless, the intentions of | Lossters and cod-fish have been feelingly talked of as creatures wee of protection. | Eels have met with sympathy. herefore, | The name | it is said the Society for the Protection of Suak- | all the vigour demanded by the extremity of the not only is anxious to pass as a great Com- | mander, but also is ambitious to be looked upon | not wielding bis sword, he flourishes his pen in | the service of his country, and busies himself im '

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 227 A TRIFLE FOR PRUSSIA. SERIOUS ENTERTAINMENT. ronoLas has sent, with Waar has been done with the Surrey Chapel? This especial pomp, a trophy question is suggested by the subjoined advertisement :— taken from the English qyyg REV. NEWMAN ‘BALL, B.A., Author of “Come |}) om the field before Sebas- to Jesus,” &c., successor to the ay James Suvamay, at Surrey | topol, to the Krxc or Chapel, Biackfriars Road, (the late Rev. Rowtawp Hite's).—The' . | Trustees inform the Public the Service hitherte held on Tuesday : A 7 / Prussia. The trophy 18 evening is now held on Thursday, commencing at seven, and closing at i : // not very costly, neither | eight o'clock. Rin Z . / is it very big; but it pe-| Are we to understand from the above that the Surrey culiarly combines utility | Chapel has been got up as a rival place of amusement to the of object with significance | Theatre of that ilk? What deseription of entertainment meine, eo Seat ry Myles ne then, sent with such cere- | the Fle =i? ‘Nothing ie osid abemt ie | by Nicwotas to Naat Fle Sage pm mony by the Reverend gentleman, then, give a series of imitations, Kine F — ony Wit op performances in ventriloquism, or does he divert his LIAM OF PRUSSIA 18 NO audience with a monopolylogue, or eonjure, or stand on other than an iron cork- | his head ? screw.—A thing that at | onee illustrates the pacifie| Ppecario~aL News Prom THe Carmea.—The system purpose of Prussia, with | of Lawcasrer is pursued here with great success. “ A her twisting, tortuous Russian will learn more from an hour's tice under this means of arriving at it. | system than from a whole day of any .”— Burgoyne. “ss and read how the raseally Russians have prowled about the battle-field THE SENTINEL OF THE ALMA” (CIN THE |(illing and stabbing the * ~—the vesy devil's wickedness. But, HAYMARKET.) honoured Sir, ism’t # the cowardliest work in the world to deny to the enemy even the common feelings that bull-dogs and mastiffs have ? Mr. Puxcu has received the subjoined letter from a private serving | Do we make ourselves the stronger by showing the Russians to be a under Carptarn Jonn Batpwin Bucxstoneg, of the Haymarket Dull- | set of corey braggarts and sunomeg pepeoese! And yet, Sir, I had shooters: and—inserting it as in Punch’s duty bound—cannot but | to do this in the Haymarket on that awful night of the 15th. express sympathy with the gallant fellow put upon such foolish! “I must say, the audience fired hissing volleys: and I did think at —~ wicked service, as the actions of the 18th, 20th, and 21st instant. | one time they would discharge the pit benches upon the stage. But }no, hono Sir, the true English pluck for a playhouse fight is gone. | You may get up a stiffish hiss, but a discriminating public no longer “Howovrep Srx,—I am an old (stage) soldier, and have been in breaks the chandeliers. : Se many scenes of action; but, honoured Sir, I have never been called; “ After three nights’ watch—three nights memorable in disgraces of upon to serve so shabbily as on the 18th instant, as Sentinel of the | the dramatic campaign—the Sentinel of the Alma, as a sentinel, was dima. | removed from his post. I can only say, honoured Sir, that I was quite “The action began about a quarter to ten. The ‘weather was very | ready to serve my country in any other force ; but I trust never again hazy ; and after the Russian general and his niece had talked for five | to be called to fight in the Comic Skull and Crogsbones Brigade. { am minutes, the fog was so great—in consequence of the talk—that they | ordered change of air after the severity of my short campaign, and put could not see one another’s heads. This feint made no effect; when | this in the post on my way to the rail for Herne Bay. the scene of operation changed—and I came upon the field, telling the | a . d field about me that my name was Tipperary Ti, and at the same! Yours, honoured Sir, to command, . time, comically—fos I was ordered to be ‘comic ;’ ordered, Sir, by the |“ Haymarket Theatre, Nov. 24. Tirpepany Tr, neral who planned the campaign, who, if not a Lover of his country is, eee ee ane a an —— omy Lover of Himseli—comically, as I said, ee el eee rushing my master’s coat. KY “Of course, honoured Sir, being a sentinel, I sang a song—but that | UN-PATRIOTIC WESTMINSTER. wasn’t much. Next came the sharpshooting! Such crumbling bullets| Wate every place in the kingdom is forming its Committees and and such wet powder! However, Sir, a (stage) soldier only knows | collecting contributions for the Patriotic Fund, it is naturally to be his duty ; and I went on firi swag. binshing the while at the rascally expected that Westminster—the seat of the Aristocracy, and as the ammunition and the piece ether. 1 have been in many stage | late Mz. Gzonce Rosrys used to say, “ the abode of royalty —would Se ding et is at felt on ae! ae 18th. Only think, | have taken a lead in the po National sonne. A meeting ves | ir, 0 a honeycom gun that you expect to go to | announce the inte y came, when the citizens were invite smithereens with every discharge! And yet I stood to it. Yes, Sir, | to ——_ in St. Monin’s Hall, which it was thought by some would I rammed in and fired off I don’t know how many shots of the late | hardly prove equal in size to the trul great occasion. The hour of Josern Mitier of comic memory ; but they all fell short. I knew | meeting arrived, but as nothing else had arrived, except a cab or two my only chance of taking the audience was by dash ; but it couldn’t be | with some of the officials of the city, the Hall was quite empty at the . Boxes, pit, and gallery opened upon me, and their shot hissed| moment when it was expected to have been crammed to suffocation and whistled, that every moment I expected to be carried off my legs. | with an ardent crowd of Westminster patriots. In this emergency the However, I am spared; although the treasurer is very much wounded, | High Bailiff rushed upon the platform, and addressing the vacant space and the manager himself has received a contusion of the breeches- | e a few ovservations on the weather, which, being rather wet, had pocket. He is, however, doing well; and I hope will do better. | probably kept away the patriots. It is fortunate that the rain, which | “ Well, honoured Sir, i another song, and although the Musie- | damped the ardour of rosity at home, has not a similar effect on sellers’ Light Brigade cheered gloriously, making a dash at the resolu- the bravery of our soldiers abroad, who fought the Battle of Inkermann tion of the audience, the audience wouldn't give ground an inch. At under an amount of moisture—to say nothing of the fire—which would that moment I assure you I wished myself in bed, or in any other place | have sent the Citizens of Westminster flying for shelter under the of comfortable obscurity. As the night grew on, the enemy thickened | nearest archway. his fire, and. wham ype a at i connon-balls that rolled | = = a ‘about me ; jokes that, I thought t ought to have hired the ape of | q the Yodlesteal Gardens to crack, and not a real, live human — Austria's Four Points. Jokes on bombshells at the same time that heart-strings are cracking} We cannot tell what these four points can ibly be, but consider- | in many a breast ; that hot, scalding tears, big as Ullets, are rolling ing how long a period Austria has — fore, anit , and veering | down poor widows’ cheeks ! round all points of the compass, we should say that the lour pointa in | “ But, honoured Sir, 1 was commanded to be comic; and as an old question must be N(orth), S(outh), E(ast), and W(est). (stage) soldier, I could only do my duty, and try my hardest. Still, | must confess the trath—I wasn’t comic. How could I be? You may s ofl blow bubbles out of soap-suds, but heart’s blood is another matter. Te Pavsstan Constitvtion.—A sealed Book,’strongly bound in | “But, honoured Sir, I haven’t come to the worst. You have heard! Russia.

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oe i Philanthropist. “Wuat now, My Man?” Street Boy. “ Taey’VE BEEN AND GONE AND SPIKED MY PeASHOOTER.” THE CURATE’S UNIFORM. Mvcn question has been raised of late concerning ecclesiastical cos- tume, but there can be no doubt as to the propriety of an improvement in that particular, which we have to suggest, bespeaking, first, attention to the advertisement enSuing, which has appeared in the Eeclesiastical Gazette :— \ TANTED, a GRADUATE of OXFORD or CAMBRIDGE, in Full Orders, of sound Evangelical opinions, with some experience and a good voice, for an Agricultural Parish of 700 inhabitants. Two Full Services, Occasicnal Duty, Pas toral Visiting, and attendance in Schools. A knowledge of Church Music, and a wil- ngness to impart it to a Choir, already partially instructed, very desirable. Remune- ration, £90 a year, with a very small cottage, partly furnished, and free of all charges, taxes excepted, but fit only fora single man, or one without a family. Apply to the Rev. G. M., 7, Bath Street, Bath. Now, then, we propose that certain alterations should be made in the pparel of Curates. The waistcoat as usually worn, indeed we would iave retained, together with the cravat, for distinction’s sake ; but the frock discarded. Instead of that garment, let the Curate wear a coat, which in respect of cut shall resemble that of a Bishop, but shall be distinguished therefrom by an addition presently to be specified. The trousers also, and boots, shall be relinquished, and the Curate shall wear knee-breeches and stockings, such also as a Prelate wears, save only as to the material of those nether garments, the former whereof shall be of a coarser description of cloth, and the latter shall consist of cotton. The clothing of the Curate’s lower extremities shall be com- pleted with a pair of long-quartered shoes, buckled beneath the instep. And here it may be mentioned, that the superfluity whereby the coat shall demonstrate that a Curate and not a Bishop is the wearer, shall be that species of ornament which is fashionably styled an epau/ette, but called im the Saxon vernacular a shoulder-knot. This embellishment will not only prevent anybody from confounding Bishops and Curates, but will likewise hinder all persons from mistaking the latter for reverend gentlemen, simply so called. It will denote them to be such only in the sense of being reverend gentlemen’s reverend gentlemen ; it will, in short, indicate that the ra'ment which it is affixed on isa suit of Livery. The Livery must, of course, be black, in order that it may preserve the character of the cloth: and for the same reason it is not recom-| nded that the breeches should consist of plush; but powder might be worn in the hair with great propriety. That a Curate out of place ould appear in this trim would be unadvisable, because that might prevent oe from being hired: but the garb would be becoming so long as he is in service; as showing that he stands in the relation of a menial servant to his master. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. j menial. | Is there not many a butler, cook, valet, who would turn up their ° noses—if Nature had not done that already—at wages of £90 a year As to the little partly-furnished cottage - we much does such houseroom exceed the accommodation which the owner of a park affords the man at the lodge? It falls short of that, indeed, by being subject to the calls of the Government and the Parish; so that the occupant would not exist in that happy ignorance of the nature of taxes enjoyed by the majority of lackeys. Ouly be would not be called upon for Income-Tax. Some people may think somewhat of Full Orders, and estimate sound Evangelical opinions at a high rate; the higher if matured by some experience, and accustomed to be preached with a good voice. Bat what is the value of these qualifications more than that of civility of deportment, bodily alacrity, length of previous service, and a good ed in addition, by how | character from the last place? As much as £90 exceeds a superior | footman’s wages. ‘Two Full Services, Occasional Duty, Pastoral Visiting, and Attendance on Schools, may be, morally s ing, more elevated employments than waiting at the breakfast and dinner-table, cleaning boots and shoes, going errands, and attendance on the foot- board, but their worth in the labour-market does not appear to be much higher., A knowledge gf Church music, too, and a willingness to teach it, are made apparently little more account of than the ability to drive, and the readiuess to be generally useful. Certainly the situa- , tion altogether is “fit only for a single man, or one without a family.” Why did not the advertiser say, “ without encumbrance.” neration, undoubtedly the situation of a curate must be regarded as Let the Curate, therefore, be attired as a servant in livery; ecclesiastical livery: but still livery. Call him, if you like, a reverend Vlunkey. Very well: let him behave as such, and in time he may come to be a Bishop. In the meanwhile, let him ride behind the carriage of his master, the Rector, to Church: or, if his master does not ride, let him follow him to Church on foot, with a long cane in one hand, and | the sermon-book in the othef. | OUR SOVEREIGN LADY THE QUEEN \Is terribly taken to task by the very pious and exceedingly bilious =| editor of the Record. Her Masesty, it is well known, 5200 attentive es ear and smiling looks to the band of the French Gui ying at | Windsor Castle on a certain Sunday. Well, the editor of the Record declares he will not endure it! No: he shall be very sorry to be driven to such an extremity, but—if it must be—he will lay hold of any of the pillars he can put his hands upon about Windsor Castle, and bury himself and the whole House of Guetru (with supplementary governesses and nursery-maids) in the ruins first, ere he will permit the Sabbath to be again broken by wind instruments. There! And now Her Masesty knows the Record’s mind; and a terrible bit of sulphur it is. The Bible King and Louris Napoteon are pathetically put together by our Record. - “ We have no doubt that the music of the French Guides is far superior to the cornet, flute, harp, sackbut, and dulcimer, which were listened to by the King and his prime ministers on the plains of Dura: but counterpoints, mezzo-torte, and mezzo-piano, wil) do little, we fear, to justify an open breach of the commandment of God, or to make listening to opera-music on the Lord's-day a fitting employment for our rulers, when a world is rushing te arms, and every post is bringing us the solemn tidings of bloodshed and death.” The withering satire that contrasts the cornet and the sackbut, burns like point of lighted lucifer, and has as saintly an odour. Nevertheless, the Record, amidst this trumpeting and shrieking of brass, finds matter for rejoicing ; but only after he has coupled Nero with Vicrorra! “ Nero fiddled whilst Rome was burning. We rejoice to think of the inverse contrast between our Queen and Prince, and the Roman parricide. And we are pained all the more at this solitary resemblance.” The Queen and the Prince are, ordinarily, unlike the Roman monster; nevertheless, on a certain Sunday the resemblance between the listeners to music and ‘the infernal musician was very striking. Still the resemblance “ pained” the Record, and that is something. Well, we have advanced somewhat in political toleration. The Record is no more heeded than a dead blue-bottle on its back, dead as the last Record. Like the aforesaid dead blue-bottle, the editor has buzzed his little nothing in Ais sackbut, and is despised. Still, we have advanced somewhat, when a writer was fined and condemned to two years’ imprisonment for calling Grorce THE Fourtu “a fat Aponis of fifty,’ and now a brimstone-faced Mawworm declares a resemblance between Vicroxta and Nero, and is no more stopped in his way, meets with no more hindrance from his house to his office, than a dead | dog in its transit from Fleet ditch to the Thames, The Great Case before the World. |. Many members of the legal profession regard. the Siege of Sebastopol in the light of an action of ejectment. Behind this case, however, lies a | more extensive issue; the prosecutors having determined to dispute ithe Will of Perer tue Great. Printec the County of Middlesex, Printers. at their Uffice in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, im the City of London, aud Published by them at No. S%, Pieet Street, in the Pasion of St. the City of London.—Saruapar, December 2, 1854, If the social dignity of service is to be measured by its average remu- | | | i by William Bradbury, of No. 1°, Upper Woburn Place, in the Perish of St. Pancras, and Frederick Mullet Evans, of No. 27, Victoria Street, in the Parish of St. Margaret and St. John, Westminrter, both Beide, io

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a > M - . «& cathe ’ 2 RATHER HARD LINES. “ Now Tuen! Apotruus!! Goop GRACIOUS, WHAT MAKES YOU STOP SO ABRUPTLY?” “ PLEASE ’M, IT’s—” “On! DON’T ANSWER IN THAT IMPERTINENT MANNER; BUT GO ON. (Aside.) He’s EVIDENTLY GETTING ABOVE mIs Work.” A STEAM BATTERY. A Capital joke appeared the other day in the Times, A correspondent of that journal- proposed to batter Sebastopol by means of Pexxins’s | steam-gun. ‘This proposal has no doubt excited as much laughter as | the very best thing in Joz Mitten. Of course it is pues absurd. | Why? Oh, nonsense! Yes, but why absurd? Oh, fiddlestick !— | pack of stuff! Nay, but, how so? How! Why, of course, the thing is impossible—that is, impracticable—in other words, can’t be done. What a laughable idea was that of steam-navigation when first started! When it became a fact, how ridiculous was the hope of its utility to any extent! That hope, however, having been justified, how _ unreasonable it was to expect that a steam-vessel would ever cross the Atlantic ; and how utterly preposterous was the chimera of railroads ! Haw, haw, haw! chorussed the old gentlemen; and some of the young ones, at each of these anticipated failures in succession—hee-haw! | The impossibilities all came to pass, though. Nevertheless, let us laugh at the suggestion of trying Perxrns’s | stean-gum against Sebastopol. To be sure the son of Mr. Perkins declares that he is “ prepared to undertake to supply the Government with a steam-gun capable of throwing a ball of a ton weight a distance of five miles.” It is true that he adds the assurance that, with such a oa fixed in Bauwet’s large ship of 10,000 tons, Sebastopol “ might destroyed without [our] losing a man.” No doubt that to throw a ball of a ton weight five miles by steam may be a less difficult thing than to drag several tons, any number of miles, three or four times faster than a stage-coach. But, then, fancy a gun loaded with steam instead of powder! What a queer gun! Anda bullet of a ton weight! Imagine such an odd projectile. It strikes one as so droll. Ho, ho! Ty it? Ob pooh! : et we do try some things which we are by no means sure will answer. We try expeditions without knowing what force they will have to encounter. We = batter a fortress by means of ordinary ordnance without being at all certain that our missiles are capable of VOL. XXVII. A demolishing its walls. We try all this at enormous expense: and an! a Because it is ; it is the regular thing: because we do. If we were to try the steam-gun and fail, the Russians would langh at us. Of course ry! don’t laugh at us when our vessels run aground, or our shot and shell fall short. If we fail—we fail: and it is a failure to the extent of the cost of the experiment. Is the risk equal to that of one transport in a storm: of one regiment in a battle? If we succeed—only think how much we save. What fun ¢hat would be. So let us laugh at the mention of Perkrys’s steam-gun—but laugh to think that it is not tried—laugh with Mr. Bricut, and the Grecks, and the Russians—laugh on the other side of the mouth than the right. A Hat in Want of a Place. We admire enthusiasm in the artist. In fact, without enthusiasm, the author is but a paper-stainer, the painter but a colour-grinder, the sculptor but a chipper of stone. Admiring the generous quality that makes the artist, we were delighted to hear that Mn. Cuantes Kean had purchased—at Horace Gaeads Strawberry Hill sale, with an oblique view to the future production of Henry the Bighth—had pur- chased the hat, the genuine hat—duly authenticated—of CanpinaL Worsey. Now, it may be very le in Ma. Cuantes Kean to buy Canprxat Worsey’s hat, but this question wil/ arise—What, in the name of all fitness of things, wuart is he to put it on?

ANOTHER FOR ABERDEEN. “Victory, or that old Abbey,” was Lonp Netsow’s cry. Loup RaGuan’s is nearly the same. “ Victory, in spite of that old Anpy.” } | } | A Great Liserat.—What a munificent Sovereign is Nicuotas! | See in what a generous manner he sacrifices his hordes ! A ~ — ERT SN IE eee tee aa ai pare ~-1intes RI ip i leaiateteraneemren tate - et ies 11th. allman tenner - SALE hs: < eeearmrmeme - See Sa ee

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| ¥. ! 230 PUNCH, ‘OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. : ‘ THE MATRIMONIAL OFFICE. A LIFE DRAMA. En Chree Acts. DRAMATIS PERSON. ff Seoownrts. (a party who, “ from circumstances” has “ few opportunities of mizing in female sogicty, but having an indep-ndent incomes, a pleasing and yentlemanly efterior, a good heart, a sweet temper, &c. dec. ia convinced that ha hould make an eligible partner for life, and therefore atopts this method of,” dc. Gd. — Bee hia various advertisements previously to his applying to the Matrimonial Office). Ma. Corneaet Eowanps ‘a party managing the Matrimonial Office. For his especial merits, see the Police Reports). Me. Sr. Crane ’ . J his Confidential Clerks. Mn. De Dompxina, 5 . ‘onfidential Clerks Me. Bowivace Brick, (the truly British Landlord of Mr. Spoonbill’ hotel). Mias Leowoaa Mowreowurry (a she-party, of mysterious antecedents, but emart personal appearance ). A Small Boy, and the General Public. ACT L. Scene 1.—Clerk’s Room at the Matrimonial Offica Enter Sroon sii. Spoonbill (with some confusion). 1s—are—dear me—I beg your | pardon, but this is, | believe, the—a—Matrimonial Office. Is the Principal disengaged ? ? lst Clerk to ind ditto, Vok’s % principle ? 2nd Clerk, He means C UDDY, you muff, Show him in. lst Clerk. Vell, but if it’s a plant— Ind Clerk. He's all right. kathim. This way, Sir. [Spoon siuu és introduced to Scenz 2.—The Manager's Room. Vanager (loftily). Be seated, Sir. (Reads Mr. Sroonsi.t’s card.) I conclude that your object in favouring me with this visit is to negotiate some one of those arrangements which conduce alike to worldly advantage and to domestic happiness. In other words (relaxing his dignity), that you are—ha! ha!—a person about to marry. Mr. Spoonbill (blushing). Presuming that an eligible party offered, such is my desire, Sir. Manager (all dignity). I should recommend no other to your notice, my good Sir. Mr. Spoontill, QO, 1 assure you—I didn’t mean that—lL am confident in your discretion -quite confident. You see [I know very few people, but being possessed, &c. Recites his advertisement. Manager (smiles graciously). Precisely. Why should you be debarred from hs appiness - you are so well qualified to appreciate? What is an introduction? “ Mr. Baows—Miss Jones.” hose four words entitle a gentleman to make an offer to a lady. Is he not to make it for waut of those four words? Ridiculous! Yet such is society. Mr. Spoonbill (delighted). My own sentiments! Sir, you talk admirably. Manager. 1 might hesitate to accept your compliment, but it is paid me by thousands. Last Wednesday, the young Ears or ASTONSWIGGLE, calling to thank me for his rapturous honeymoon—by the way, you resemble his Lordship so much, that at first I thought he had come again; but you are the taller man—used your very words. Ur. Spoonbill. La! Manager. He did indeed. “ In my adored Jutta,” he said—why do you start ? Mr. Spoonbill (smirking). Nothing—only Jutia happens to be my ~—— name. anager. Curious coincidence. But I was about, I fear, to betray confidence. (Zakes down a large ledger.) Now—(murmurs to himself) — Lapy Lavinia, blue eyes, £10,000; Honovraste Miss Extpexsery, golden hair, £12,000 ; Mas. VILEIKINS, a young widow, £500 a-year ; Miss Maryeoto, slightly lame, £900 a-year; hun, ha! Ma. Spoonsitt, oblige me by looking into that Book of Beauty on that table, and indicating any face you prefer, Mr. Sroonsttyt, t# some confusion, selects the picture of the Marcuioness oF HitpensorouGa (supposed to have been engraved for some such purpose). Ur. Spoondill. Something in this style, perhaps—but—if you haven't me like this, why Manager (archly). Knowing dog. (Looks into his ledger.) 1 know there’s—yes—no—she’s a brunette—ah! Leoyorza Montcomery that’s it. Mr. Spoowsrit, will your engagements permit you to be at the foot of the Duke of York’s Column, on Tuesday, at two o'clock ? Mr. Spoontill. Certainly, Sir. Manager (writes a note and rings. Enter Cuerk). Sr. Criarg, either you or De Doumexrins order round the brougham, and take this note to Caven- dish Square. See the Countess, and— (whispers Exit CuerK. At two o'clock, Sir, then, be at the spot I have meutioned, and if a beauti- fal girl—I am sure i ought not to speak so of one whom [ trust to hear of as Mrs. Renton would say an enchanting young lady should ask you the way to—to West- minster Abbey—afiernoon service,—I suppose (s/yly) that Mx. Spoon- BILL will be too much of a lady’s man to leave her to find the way by herself. Mr. Spoonbill (in ecstacy). Trust me, Sir. Manager (aside). Not exaetly. The fee, Mr. Spoonsit, is—let me look—(reads) ‘ “fortune in her own control ”—“ large black eyes” “ charming figure ”’—-the fee, Ma. Spoonsitt, is ten guineas—we’ll say ten pounds ! Mr ‘Spoonbild (aghast). Tew pounds. Manager (haughtily). Sarely oniest have been mistaken in supposing that I was dealing with a gentleman. However, the note has not yet been dispatched. (ls about to ring. i Mr. Spoonbill (alarmed). Bless me, | {ir Sir, do not mistake me. Would you Manager (carelessly). As you will— | the note if you like—it has only to go | to Courts’s with about fifty more— | or, stay, I may want some small change—give me the sovereigns. At two o'clock, then, Mr. Spoonsrtt. Do not keep a lady waiting. du revoir. May your wooing be successful. (Exit Mr. Spoonpitt). Ha! ha! ha! —J™. Juvxs! (Re-enter St. Ctanz). You and SyoGGs mind 4e never gets in here again. Curtain falls, De Clare. All right, Cuppy. ACT IL. Scene 1.—The Duke of York’s Column. Ur. Spoonhill (who has been waiting since twelve o clock One—two. There go the Horse Guards, and now—now. Whatever shall I say to her ?—the sentence is out of my head. Small Boy (to the Sentinel). Lobster, I say, keep an eye to that cove—blest if I don’t think he wants to prig the pillar. Exit, whistling ““ Pop Goes the Weasel.” Enter L¥onoRA. [She glances round—instantly deteets her game—and approaches him timidly. Leonora, I am sure I eg your pardon—I have left my carriage—and Pokey | have missed my way. Could you direct me to Westminster obey } Ur. Spoonbill (in a flurry). Yes—O dear certainly—(points nervously and alternately to the County Fire Office and to the Horse Guards) there —that—I mean—it’s not easy to find—at least for a lady—would you allow me to show you ? Leonora. O, would you be so very kind? I am sure I may trust myself with you. Takes his arm, and they descend the steps and walk about. A quarter-of-an-hour elapses. Anybody can supply the dialogue. Fig | ascend the steps. 4 Leonora. O, you flattering thing. | = Again? I can’t promise. Certainly can’t now. But (archly), if you find, on reflection, that you so rats very much wish to see me again (I don’t know why you should), perhaps dear Mr. + will tell you some way to manage Mr. Spoonbill (coaringly). Conldn t we do it without him? For to tell 7 the truth, he is dear. He made me pay @ great deal for this ouster that it is - worth all the money and more— Leonora. Really? I ama rr in these matters—I know nothing about money— but if it’s an object to you— prefer notes, or gold? Here are both. |

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= eS eS eve ew SS | | | | | PUNCH, No, no, no, adored Miss Mont- Mr. Spoonbill (/rightfully pane Gomeny, or if I might say— Leonora. Leonora. For shame! Bat what did you pay Ma. Epwarps—fifty pounds, perhaps ? Mr, Spoontill. Not so bad as that—only ten. Leonora ‘aside). Then I know my per-centage. Is that all? I hope you don’t grudge it. Oh dear me. There’s my uncle the Bisuor or PPOPOTAMUS and my cousin the Duxe or Bataxtava. I must go this instant. If you want to hear of me again, you creature, you know the pag 5 Exit. Mr. Spoonbill. What an Pangel! (Curtain fadls. ACT Ii. Screwz 1.—Before Ma. Sroonnrit’s Hotel. Enter Mx. Sroonsitt and Ma. Bowtrace Barcx. Mr. Spoonlill (in the fulness of his heart Sera J his matrimonial Bind A= war * fm she went off. — ou ull. Mr. Brick. You great stupid Ass. You Idiot. Ninnyhammer. You ie Denon. L Scenz nan the — Office. Mr. Brick. Now you — Don’t stir till or 1’li-—— (A pause, and then a fearful os eed inside, and some ‘ows heavy falls. Enter from office 37. Cian, with a back eye. St. Clare. Oh my eye! ( Ezit- Enter from ditto De Domwrxuss, with o bloody nose. De Dumpkins. Oh my nose ! (Bait. Re-enter Mx. Brick, flushed, but triumphant. Mr. Brick. ’ve got back your tem pound, you fool.” And now"the soouer you are off to your native fields the better. M arry the You | first honest dairy- maid that will have you, and leave London alone. It’s for asses like you that rogues set traps. Mr. Spoonsriit (tothe audience). My friend ’s a brick, and if he’s rough he’s right. ‘Yo Lincolnshire I’ if go this very night; So all take warning by this lesson grave And when you cut for partners, cut a knave, Curtain falls, BEADLEDOM IN DANGER. Tr following alarming placard has been posted on the walls, the | pumps, the pound, and other parochial property of a place called — Phy name for which we have se arched, in vain, in the map of ogiam ONE GUINEA REWARD. | Wwwearss on Sunday Evening last some one (from among a gang of | diserderly youths who congregate in Berwick, Street during the time of Divine Service at St. James's Church,) } | THREW A STONE; ; AT THE BEADLE, Wace STRUCK HIM ON THE HEAD. The ny then proceeds to state that the authorities will “the above reward ” to any one who will give such information as s il lead to the detection and conviction of the offender. We can almost sympathise with the panic into which Ashted has been plunged by this out upon her beadle, who we trust rejoices in that thickness of skull which has protected so many of his fellow dig- nitaries under similar difficulties. Lt is evident that a blow is aimed at the head of a parochial state when it is aimed at the head of a Beadle, and a stone thrown in that sacred direction, is in facet defianee hurled at one of owr most venerable institutions. In the Beadle may be said to be united, the staff of authority, the gold lace of dignity, and the cocked hat of power. It is due to his successors, that be should hand down that staff unbroken; that gold lace untarnished; and that cocked hat unstained by the mud of malice, or the stone of violence, to an expectant posterity. We are glad to see that Ashted has spoken Out, and is ready to lay down its guinea, if no its life, in defence of its OR THE LONDON CHARIVART, | | ' | | AD PISTOREM BANBURIENSEM. O Baysuny! Carmen non prius auditum Musarum sacerdos will sing in th _ oe deeds (as non tenui penna he'll ws write ’em) hall be wafted by him to the world’s latest days. Yet let not thy old woman hasten to read it ; Its musie won’t praise der wherever she goes, For we knew atra cura post equitem sedet, And we seorn the gay rings on her fingers and toes. Nor shalt thou, Puritane one ! long hated by many, Be able my strains to to esmmend, or to hire ‘em, And from this, not thy vultus instantis tyranni temacem propositi virum. this temacem ae will make, Until te dees Then eck the ce p= Et pecsent Galeni thy Benbacy Cake. Non ebuar nec auram im domo renidet, But think pe ot ever his counter to seorn, it, ‘an inch for your art to adorn. adiailanad i ts Great Punch / cease to scourge the world’s follies and leave ‘em One moment’s repose from thy labours to take ; Consiliis misce stultitiam brevem, And solace thy soul with a Banbury Cake. And all ye who seek a lenimen laborum For CLaripee your Pursse. or Vurey forsake, For non Sicule dapes tam —_ om =, m Can give to mankind as his wena Cake. .COMFORT AND DANGER, ouR Peace man rails at your Soldier pretty much im the same way, we can poor Poker that does all the work— standing quietly aloof, exposed to no hard knocks or blows, its comfort never disturbed, its brightness never sullied, but enjoying a most comfortable post, the thick of the os — the same manner does Ma. Baieut, who never stirs from - his fireside, look contemptuously down, we faney, upon the poor fellows, who do all the stirring work, and have to his snug and comfortable position in 231 imagine, as the Bright Poker rails at the | it entertains necessarily the most | polished —y for the poker that is every moment | to be carried into stand the brunt and fierce heat of every | day’s action, m order that he may enjoy | doing nothing. In fact, not at alla bad | for the cotton a present of the nom de paiz—would be to call him “ England’s title Member for Manchester—and we Baicut Poker.” A Companion to the Calendar. Neweate has already its “Calendar of Crime,” and, judging from the atrocities postinns by the Russian soldiers in the Kast, Nicnotas will soon be able to furnish an appropriate companion in his “ Calendar of the Crimea.” A Scotcu Fast.—All the Spiders in Glasgow are, for the future, condemned to fast regularly once a week, for we see that no Flies are | allowed to come out now on a Sunday. Hust rrom Kossutu.—In attacking the Russian Bear, you will find no weapon efficient unless you also employ a Pole. make all men of | | | | | |

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3 * 7°. pba ae tee ee ee es PR ape tN 7 Sti Wasa eae THE MOTHERLESS CHILDREN OF FASHION. We should be glad to know what has become of all the Mothers in the Aristocratic circles, for if we are to judge by the paragraphs in the fashionable papers, a Mother is a relationship that has become ex- tinct. The article now in fashionable use, as a substitute for the once favourite character of a Mother, is described as a “ maternal parent,” with whom the young Viscount So-anp-so is said to be “staying” when he happens to be at home with his Mamma. These are really not the days for this kind of stupid affectation, and our dis- gust at the absurdities of a highly artificial state of society is turned into a somewhat stronger feeling, when we find the nearest of natural ties deprived of its natural name in favour of a made-up title, more adapted to the cold phraseology of fashionable life. If this sort of thing is to be carried further, it will be necessary to have a fashionable dictio for the gui of those who may wish to render their relationships into the terms current in > age OR phraseology which may fairly be termed the of the salons. e give a specimen of two or three words, which will be sufficient for the guidance of any one who has the patience to pursue the disagreeable task :-— Mother —A maternal . - Father.—An author of one’s being on the paternal side. Brother.—A male relative in a similar degree of affinity to the same parental stock. : Son,—An individual of the masculine gender, deriving his being from a paternal and a maternal parent. Grandmother.—The maternal parent of a maternal or a paternal parent. Grandfather. —The paternal ditto of a ditto or ditto. * To those About to Marry. THeERe are certain noodles who complain in the papers of being fobbed by the Secre to the Matrimonial Alliance Association out of various sums, from to £90, laid out on the chance of future wives. Such simpletons do really deserve the wedding-ring ; and ought to wear it,—but then it should be, in the nose. 232 _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. rs 7 ¥ — * ik a r A rye) 6 Al oN . 4 6p” “ante” . , 4 Di 4, - “pbhey. mW : TT Pr , “ >, Y, 4 i / f 4 ny ” ” ugg ANATOMY OF A RUSSIAN GUY FAWKES. An Irish surgeon, residing in Manchester has sent us an account of a post mortem held on the oe 4 Ma. Baicut’s effigy, which was burnt there the other day. € appearances observed were the following :— The whole exterior exhibited a drab discolouration. be The chest presented an almost total absence of heart ; the pericardium forming a kind of cyst, bag, or purse, resembling an old brown-paper cap, and exhaling a strong odour of Russian leat r, communicated to it by a quantity of raneid oil, which constituted the Hguor pericardis. The heart, or what remained of it, afforded throughout a specimen of fatty degeneration, and may be said to have consisted of w. The lungs were consolidated by a morbid deposit of a nature apparently | bituminous, like piteh or tar, and the only air-tubes perceptible in them had the appearance of straw. {In the stomach, the liver attracted attention by its remarkable | whiteness, which was owing to its structure having assumed a cottony character. The convolutions of the viscera also bore a singular resem- | blance to cotton-twist. d : ‘The head contained an average proportion of brain, but it had been all converted into lignine or woody fiore, di in b shavings, which smelt powerfully of All appearances were i the inflammation which terminated the patient’s career. The Foreign Vintage and the British Cellar. Tue extensive failure of the vintage, owing to the disease of the grape, will probably not occasion, in this country, an appreciable scarcity of wine. If every in Portugal has eg me this season, there is little fear that Eng’ will be supplied that account with Port. undies like deal — quite sufficient to account for less plentifully on | Reromm tx THe Anmy.—lIt is pleasant to know that, if our soldiers in the Crimea are to have winter clothing of sheep-skin, they are not to be fleeced by clothing Colonels.

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Hitler VL Wy typ , My 7; {Pencu, No. 700.

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Decemser 9, 1854.]

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

MENSCHIKOF?’S RETREAT. bold Rassians! wards!” shout ; Follow !—to the right about : Fight, though, whilst you run away ACK, cS ‘Y Fight '!—that is, the wounded slay. ; ‘ al ~ Routed Cossacks, drive the lance Through each crippled son of France, Comrades, fly '|—but as re go, Kill the wounded British foe. There ’s a General prostrate, see ! Bayonet him quick '!—and flee. There ’s another living yet, Ha! unscrew his tourniquet ! a Shoot the halt and stab the maimed ; a6 Nay, lads! never be ashamed ; Hack and slash them now they ’re P down ; Te Let your swords win that renown ! a Cut away, bold Major, cut, On the helpless victims glut All your soul : for liege lord Nick Cut away ; and cut your stick ! =< Cut the last with all your speed, Then a Cross shall be your meed, And an Order, let us hope : Not a gibbet and a rope. DE LUNATICO. A PARAGRAPH appeared a few days ago in a Manchester paper in- forming the world that “a gentleman of low stature” has lately “ been observed ” to travel frequently during tlie last fortnight between London and Manchester. We should have thought that in these da of rapid locomotion a man might have made a few journeys to and fro without subjecting himself toremark ; but it appears that m Manchester “ different conjectures are made as to the cause of his eccentricity.” These conjectures have, we find, terminated in the “ general opinion that he has suddenly become possessed of a large fortune, and his brafn has become affe ” As if there were no very satisfactory reason for , thus summarily returning a verdict of insanity on a man who has fre- quently travelled by rail, we are further informed, in confirmation probably of the theory of “ the lost senses,” that “he had three gold chains to his watch.” | We should like to know in what way these gold chains are regarded as supplying the links of evidence required to prove a case of insanity. To us the circumstance of the three gold chains, coupled with the fact of frequent journeys by railway, would seem to afford proof of an abundance of caution, and a sensible desire to prevent the loss of a , watch while travelling. PAROCHIAL UNION IS STRENGTH. A DEADLY dispute has lately been going on between two parochial paving boards, in a suburban neighbourhood. We are happy to an- nounce that the feud has ceased, and that the Commissioners no longer seek to use the public paving stones for the purpose of paving the way to the gratification of their own ambition. It was a gratifying sight a few days ago to see the ive beadles presidmg at a friendly paving act of a once disputed ~— and superintending the union of “the flags” of the two lately hostile parties. We trust that the cement used on the propitious occasion will be durable, and that the kerbs will operate on the passions as well as the pathways of the neighbourhood.

A Walk beyond Walker, Most people that we meet with cail The seat of war Sebastopol ; But that’s not right, say some pe-ople ; You should pronounce it Sebastople. ApvIcE To THE OrpNaNce.—Spare no expense in increasing the calibre of your guns. It will be a greater bore to the Enemy than to us. Ont ComPort.—Hardly our poor fellows may fare in the Crimea ; but the Emperor or Russia won't have his Turkey this Christmas.

buried at the Tyrant’s OUR HOLY WAR. “ Back- . as bad, pag Faw ey have persecuted the Porn’s faithful Manomer’s, They are now in arms, not a —* us, hereties, but agaimet the soldiers of the Church, our Allies. Now, then, is the time for bis Holiness to come out in defence of his own. Could he not aid the French artillery by launching a fulmination against Nicuotas? Our Ancusismor or Cantexsurny does not do these things. Bat they are competent to the Porz : and a hearty anathema head, would be worth some shells and rockets. It is not probable that the Papal benediction, or any other, of a bullet would a the same effect as the ves of a rifle, or the oval twist of a Lancaster gun. The ball would not be likely to go farther or straighter for a in benison and a spargefaction with holy water. Bi consecrated, however, w be aimed more steadily and fired more sharply, by all who believed in them. The Czan stamps his cannot-shot with a cross. Small blame to him for that, if any, but rather much the reverse, would be attributed by the Bisnor or Rome were it not that the cross is a Greek instead of a Latin one. In place, therefore, of holding an idle synod at Rome, the Por# should repair to Paris, where he might crown the Emperor Lovis Naproteon, and solemnly bless the French ammunition at the same time. Coupled with this overt act, his Hotrmvess might promulgate a Bull, denouncing Nicnoras as the Great Thief of the World, and raising the hue and ery against him of all Christendom. The usual condition of remission upon penitence would of course be attached . but the offender held up in the mean time as a Bear to be hunted down, or rather a gigantie Rat to be baned. In his last pastoral the Pore abused some person or persons very violently, but did not specify whom he meant. It is a pity that the thunders of the Vatican should sound so vaguely. They seem to roar at everybody in general, and nobody in particular: when there is some- body who bas so loudly called them down. a To place the Church of Rome in a great moral position ; to show her forth as the patroness of right and justice, and opponent of evil; to banish the recollection of winking pictures and sham mapertens why cannot the Pore now make a demonstration against the Czar ? is it because he wishes to convince Exeter Hall that he does not pretend to excom- municate and depose Sovereigns? Very likely! Memento Mori. Suovtp blessings of the dying fail To rescue dear Miss Nicurincare ; Nor a nation’s prayers suflice To stay Death’s unrelenting hand ; She ’\] surely im another land Be a Bird of Paradise

“ SLUMBER, MY DARLING.” Asenpzen’s notion of the “ Entente Cordiale” must be that it is something like “ Godfrey's Cordial,” for he has tried all he could to send both countries to sleep with it. RUSSIAN DUTCH COURAGE. Tuy say the Russian soldiers have Glenty of Raki served out to them previously to going into action. Certainly, the enemy is carry- | ing on the war with spirit. Iurnovements os Rossta.—Nicnonas ought to be very much obliged to Lovis-Naro.eox, for he bas declared it to be his intention next year, with the aid of his brave army, to repair the French Retreat at Moscow. Tas Granp Feast or Tue Gaaeco-Cossack Cavrcu.—Candlemass.

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A, arn me a —_ rv “ # aT - i AE < RA Ce? ie ree ete «4 4h ed | SOME PEOPLE NEVER CAN SPEAK THE TRUTH. : Man. “Here YE-ARR—ALL ’oT, ALL ’o7.”

aa Boy. “On uy! Waat a sovty Cramurr !” THE RANGE OF RUSSIAN FIRE. q Wuatever doubt there may be that spontaneous combustion ever f | oceurs in the human body, there exists ample proof that it often happens a | in warehouses, Cotton, which has been used in wiping oily machinery, | is generally the material which ignites. This same cotton is a dangerous substance. So it seems from the following statement in the 7imes :— “Tue Late Arremprs at Incewptanisn In Mancuester.—A man named Bexsauin Seiiers was brought before the Manchester Magistrates yesterday, charged with having been taken by a Police-Officer between the blocks of warehouse property | bounded on one side by Cross Street and on the other by Pal! Mall, witha ball of cotton | wool in his hands,to which he had applied a light, and which resembled in every respect the balls of cotton waste, with which so many atiempts have recently been made to burn down warehouses in that town.” Since Cotton of a superior quality shows a disposition to succumb to Nicuotas, it would not be wonderful were an inferior description of the same article to lend itself to the designs of the Russan Incendiary. There is Cotton in Manchester and elsewhere sufficiently wicked to be willing to serve him for a wick. Fellows who rejoice at the slaughter of our brave soldiers are quite capable of hiring themselves to the Czar to injure their country by means of arson, and no doubt the Czar is more than capable of employing them. Who can think there is any villany at which that miscreant would stick to gainhis ends? Of course there must be some reason why “so many attempts have recently been bi made to burn down warehouses at Manchester.” The most probable is Russian agency. A cross—holy symbol!—and the order of Sr. Viapiure, with a large sum of roubles to boot—would, of course, be the meed of any traitor who should contrive to burn down a British Dockyard. That such a reward has actually been offered for such a purpose there is every ground to suppose, that can be afforded by the barbarism and a of the enemy. At any rate, the supposition is likely enough to render it advisable to keep a sharp look-out on the strength thereof. Beware of Jack-Tue-Painterorr. Look out for 3 Guy-Fawxeskr. Withal, be onthe watch to prevent the Emperor Nicnonas from insidiously attacking your arsenals and your stores with Greek Fire.

Aberdeen at Odessa. We learn from Odessa that a statue of Lorp AnERDEEN, a statue that will, at least, last out the winter, for the statue is to be cast of the very best Russian tallow—a tallow statue of the Premier is about to be erected in the most prominent and public place of Odessa: the ie pedestal of Russian oak will bear this inscription, written in Russian pitch—“ To the Saviour of Odessa.” LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE BATTLE ROLL. THE BATTLE OF INKERMANN. Time preserves the Spartan story of Leonrpas’s glory, How with his true three hundred, Persia’s swarms he held at bay— Fame records the Switzers’ daring, who Bur ian overbearing Tamed, bundreds matched ’gainst thousands, on Morgarten’s bloody y. But Swiss nor Spartan annals contain no deed more glorious, No feat of sealhers hardihood, ’gainst mightier pe victorious, No list of nobler martyrs, no tale of bloodier s ters, Than that which shall have name, upon Britain’s roll of fame, } By the title of Inkermann’s affray. } | Cloud-wreathed our camp was sleeping, when like serpents they came creeping, Through the brushwood of the gorge where the dark Tchernaya flows ; == Our piequets were wet and weary, and the mist lay dense and dreary, And their guns were on the heights in face, or e’er the morning rose— When from the fog-bank dashing, lit with their rifles’ flashing, With ninety great guns in their rear, all thundering and crashing, = In columns fifty deep, through the serub and copse-wood thrashing, The gray-clad Russian hosts, with the foremost of our posts, | In desp’rate but unequal grapple close. Back, slow and stern retiring, fall our piequets, but the firing Has given the alarm to the sleepers in our camp; All is ordering and arming—and mustering and forming, Brigade upon brigade along the hill-crest—dark and damp. Brown’s gallant Light Division hold the slopes towards the sea; To their right the sturdy Second—what though fasting men they be ! And Catucart, with the Fourth, none gallanter than he— Coldstream and Fusilier and stalwart Grenadier ! Taking ground with a stern and steady tramp. On come the Russians pouring, with yell and drunken roaring, Hill-ward urging, up surging, like the leaping of a wave, | While mute and without motion, as a rock that breasts the ocean, | One to nine, stands that line of British brave. And as back from off the rock-face the breakers start in spray, So, shattered from that iron wall, the Russians fall away, While howitzer and field-piece on the broken masses play, And the bayonets flash bright in the rapid push of fight, And the Minié reaps the harvest of the grave. Still hurled back, but still aseending—shall the struggle have no ending * What care they how many fall? Lives are cheap. Our unshaken line is thinning, out-wearied ev’n with winning, | And the foe still pours on his columns deep. Till the rock our soldiers fight on is re ged with blood And the dead dot all the slope, and the wounded fill the wood, And as each Briton falls, there ’s another where he stood, For the fight is hand to hand, a host against a band, But the foe win no footing on the steep!

Slowly climbs the red round sun, as weary and foredone, Their arms all stiff with striking, ammunition failing fast, | Our gallant handful still holds its place upon the hill, And will hold it, come what may, to the last— Three long long hours have past, since the awful strife begun, When lo! upon our right, in good time, with nimble run, Come the brisk and bronzed Zouaves, whom ting serves for fun,— Catching up the British cheer in chorus crouse and clear, To the heart of the battle they have past ! Now when that dashing charge has made bloody space and large In the serried Russian columns—now’s the time ! One more effort as they reel! one rush of British steel Down the slope they have vainly tried to climb! Forth they dash, Line and Guards, their failing strength new-strung, And on the Russian bayonets their sore-thinned ranks have flung, Athirst for blood, as hunting-dogs upon their quarry sprung, With revenge in every breast, for their bravest and their best— Cut off in the promise. of their prime. So after nine hours striving, the foe-men backward driving, We sent him bootless to his walls, before the sun went down. Sixty-thousand strong at morning, the evening saw returning A baffled forty thousand to the shelter of the town. Yet of that sixty thousand—unshaken—like a rock— Shoulder to shoulder—man to man—in adamantine lock, A bare eight thousand bayonets of Britain stood the shock ! And their country weeps the slain, but the burden of our pain | Is as nothing to the blaze of their renown!

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MR. BRIGHT’S LEG IN RUSSIA. nrests show the arm-bone of CaaRteMaGye at Aix- la-Chapelle; the bone en- closed in a model arm of gold. In manner, to all future Muscovites, will t show Jonw GERMAN TINDER. Lalli | ji Lt ” x iL rin y uae | i -~ rll , == u : Kq , snicmT’s leg at St. Peters- : Li ball : burg. When Ma. Bacut - SS iit ew | «(was burned at Manchester, : \ UM i Fi, the police, we are told, = ee a “secured one of + ~ This leg, we learn from | exclusive and authentic information, has been - | chased by certain chester Greeks—Greeks of Cottonopolis—and will be forwarded, as a relic of the martyr in Russia’s cause, to the Emrzror Nicwonas. bee gee as we _be be carried under a magni canopy ly to be wondered at that one of ussia, seeing his heart has been there that he has put his foot in it his time. THE CANT OF CRITICISM, Would another German thing Were as quick of inflammation ! Then a fod might England fling, And ignite the German nation. Thus a = fire impart, Courage Tyranny to hinder, Could but that—the German heart— Cateh and burn like German Tinder.

“CUCUMBERS AGREES WITH US!” | Pickiep cucumbers agrees with us,” said Mrs. Garren, a jewess. “ Our eats enormous ities of pickles during the pass- the over.” is was given in so evidence by a mother in Israe| takes on Saturday last, struck forth by the iciting James im | at the " presence of Ma. Banon Marri. “Pickles agrees with us!” | comic muse 1 “4 for Ls | At first there — Te & this a - a. Rang db ic on oa the “serious oe ath mind as bearing t tomach ; but a philosopher, | present n exhibition ? | t, together with | clamoured for the fish they did freely eat in FE “ the cucumbers.” And tens and tens of centuries have passed, and a mother in Israel solemnly attests in the Court of Bxchec uer that during the ver “our peoples eats enormous quantities of pickled cucumbers.” The Puaraous are shadows; thinnest, and dimmest of | shades ; but the Jew survives to ery old clothes, and still “ cueumbers | agrees with him!” | _ Too Osviovs.—Why is the next portion of Macaviat’s History of | England \ike the Premier ?—Because everybody wishes It was out. ” of ingly, I beg to forward you 100 yards of ‘new and popular ‘ > late those very songs that formed part of the valuable stock of t lamented Mx. Carwacn, whose mantle, at his decease, I purchased. | In addition to the above, which comprise something like 1000 songs, I also bes to offer 100 of the ——s marbles that can be picked out of the rich museum I have established im my justly-celebrated ‘Marble Halls ;’ and I only effect of making the hated Russian quickly knuckle down. f “ T will not anything more, for fear you should think I wish to puff my far- establis and in every domestic cirele and Square of the metropolis, and the united, or at present disunited, world. “T remain, Sir, Yours, modestly and patriotically, “ Goiretmus Prrv, “ (Toy and Marble Warchouse, Seven Dials.)” | “ Omnibus Rebus.” i Sir, that these same marbles may have the | ent, which is well known along every line, | | Why does an Omnibus conductor always try a silver fourpenny-piece , with his teeth ?—To prove that it’s a “fourpenny Bit.” A New Trriz.—The last new title for Mn. Brient and the Man- chester party is—“ The Cotton- Miller and his Men.”

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le ee ee ee 7 238 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL \! ‘r Wl | i Atak Ha iL Ky iH ms 1 Hi i iy wv “OUR EXISTING DRAMATISTS.” Ovrn energetic contemporary, the Daily News, has made a most timely liseovery ; he has found out a batch of English dramatists, Last week, Cuartes Matnews is the finest. of trump cards ; the quintessence of assurance ; extracting even an elixir from the base quality of impudence, —the News says of the piece very profoundly, “it is a comedy in the true sense of the an and entitles its author, Mr. Law RENCE, to be regarded as. one of the past of our existing dramatists.” There is a | coldness of impudence, qui in its temperature, with which | we rob the French of \ Ay goods, and then boast of them as of our own | manufacture: Mr. Lawrence “ nims” Mercadet, the original French | cambric,: from the | and then, ay English ink that ought to blush scarlet in the employ- | | ment, writes.his. own peculatin; name in the corner—“ Siinessy Lawrence!” He becomes an existing” dramatist! When Ixkey | SoLomons twitches the French watch from the foreigner’s pocket, straightway Ikry Sotomons is, by the act, “one of the ablest of our | existing watchmakers !” This crowing and clucking remind us of Mrs. Grunpy’s fowls; | fowls that continually disturbed her neighbours with their notes of | self-exultation. “ What wonderful layers are Mus. Gauwpy’s fowls !” | was the common cry. “ By the noise they make, some of ’em must lay | twice or thrice a day. ost uncommon fowls !” Now, it happened | that they never laid a single egg. Nevertheless, Murs. Gronpy took an especial: pride in the fowls; and smiled’ benignly when the neigh- bours spoke of Mus. Grunpy’s "poultry as such wondrous layers ! Mrs. Grunpy was a great consumer of eggs. Eggs for ‘breakfast ; | eggs in custards, eggs in pancakes, in almost everything edible, eggs. Well, every day—on some days twice or thrice—Mo.iy the maid would abe sent for eggs ; gs Mos. Garunpby thought and paid for, fresh, new-lai MoLty returns from her errand. She lifts the yard-gate Jatch with the key, amd enters the. premises, a basket on her arm, and in that basket half-a-dozen eggs. Immediately, all Mus. Grunpy’s fowls begin Printed by Wi'tiam in the County of , Printers, at their Office she Oity of A es December 9, 1s, reviewing the Game of Speculation at the Lyceum, a (ame in which | ket of M. Bauzac, picks {out the owner’s name, | ‘ , ane ~ fr M ” SILT ID Fe / phe tepid. 2 ~ ~ greets aS a SCENE.—A BEDROOM IN SEBASTOPOL. *(d Gentleman (who is rather deaf and very sicepy).“ Somesnopy Kyocxinc at THE Door—COME IN}!” to elack—eluck—cluck—and the cocks to crow—as if the eggs were their own offspring in the germ—cluok !—cluck !—cluck !—coek-a- doodle-doo !—cock-a-doodle-doo !—and all, with the loudest. voice’ of assurance, as though the eggs were newly ‘dropt and home-laid. And what was the fact? The eggs were in Eggs, shipped at Calais, and sold to English ‘shopkeepers. Neverthe: less, not one of these eggs was ever t into Mrs. Guuwpy’s premises that Mrs. Grunpy’s fowls did not vaunt their produttion. “ Cluck !—cluck !— cluek !’—“ Cock-a-doodle-doo !— cock-a-doodie- doo !’ hood as among the most prolific of “ our existmg layers!” NO MORE TIME-TABLES. It has Jong heen agreed on all hands that nobody can understand a Railyay Time-Table. ‘The Railway Companies, acting on this conelu- sion, have apparently come to the pee defermination that inasmuch as the public cannot obtain any information from a Time-Table, it would be useless to give the public an opportunity of procuring one. The Great Western seems to proceed on this principle ; and aecord- ingly, though there are several branch offices of the Company in b ae rts of London, where it is advertised that “"Time-Tab ay Se ere,” an inquiry for me is pretty sure to he answered by the aoe mation “ None Left. The last word being in perhaps to describe the cciticn Be ‘the applicant. In the absence of an officral guide, it is sometimes customary to rely on a non-authorised publi- cation, a process which leads you, or rather misleads you to the Terminus some ten minutes after the starting of one train, and some two hours before the departure of another, an interval which gives you leisure for inspecting the extensive — of the Company. Tux Ewreror’s Prare.—It was always. thought to be the best Silver, but it is nothing better than Otp NicKkEL. > ly French cugs. Mrs. Grunpy’s fowls were thereupo nm regarded by the neighbour- of No. 13, U Woden Place, im the Parish of St.P nd Vrederick Wallett Evens, of No. 27, Victoria Street, in the Parish of St. Margaret and St. bt pe me at ce, in the Farah of 8 Poncran, and Yroderick Mallett Ky the City of of Lendon and Peed he cheeae Ma ts, Pane Dice tn tae Poth fbn to

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| I receive the most flattering assurances from the PRESIDENT OF THE yn) Pe a Unrrep States that he ere long to be able to relieve me of any reit | (Op a@® | trouble with reference to Cuba, and he trusts to be enabled to le ne y | make a similar communication in regard to Canada. The noble lord at | | the head of my Government hopes that no ag or hostile feeling si : | will be permitted to mar either pacific nity. <4) | From my ally the Emperor or tHe FRewcu it is impossible to deny | that England is a most cordial co-operation in carrying on | the war, and the noble lord at the head of my Government, who has Majesty, can only see in this proof of his readiness to join in an unjust + quarrel an evidence of the noble lord’s original wisdom in impeding, as far as possible, the alliance of the nations. GENTLEMEN OF THE House or Commons, It is not the fault of the noble lord at the head of my Govern- ment that we are en in this most expensive and objectionable contest, but as such is the case, the nation must pay for it. A great deal of money is wanting, and the noble lord suggests to you that by the nation with the war. My Lorps anp GenTLeMey, and the noble lord at the head of my Government wishes to impress upon you that another of the evils of this war is that the whole time of the Ministers is taken up in reading the news rs, and thereforejthat no attention can be given to the preparation of bills. As soon as the measures regarding the militia, for the passing of which you have been specially summoned, shall be enacted, which the without discussion, you can all return to your country residences, where it is to be wished that you may enjoy a merry Christmas, ren- dered still more joyous by the assurance, which the noble lord at the head of my Government requests me to give you, namely, that he has not the most distant idea of resigning office, “ uniess pedal propulsion | should expedite antiquated imbecility.” | words supposed to have been surreptitiously appended by Viscount P———— y.}

WANTED A PRISONER,’ | | silane — | We wish people would say distinctly what they want when they | advertise in the newspapers. We often see an intimation that some- | body wants a clerk, when he is apparently looking out for a thief, for THE SPEECH FROM THE THRONE. as we have already pointed out, honesty and starvation are not always (As originally sketched by Lon AB-RD-x, but summarily and ignominiously | compatible. In the following instance we think the advertiser must rejected by his Lordship's Colleagues.) | be on the look-out for a prisoner. The extract is from the Exeter | Flying Post of a recent date— Stranger. “My Frienp! I wisn to co ro Exeter Hatt.” Operative, “ WELL, WHY THE DEUCE DON’T YOU GO THEN?”

My Lorps ayp GenTLEMEN, It had not been intended that Parliament should re-assemble ‘ ‘ eg Waeme, before Christmas, but the prescient sagacit ’ and prompt energy of ved ANTED in an Offices “y Se Counteg, ® seapestabte ¥ ~~ ie = noble lord who is good enough to be the head of my Government, at | Selery ry senlee with Board and Lodging. ‘Fhe mest usanes stlonahte chavester once foresaw a necessity, and provided a remedy. Resources are | will be required.—Apply by letter, prepaid, stating age, to A. B., Post Office, Newwn wanting, and (as is sportively observed by the principal comedian in | Abbot. the festive entertainments of the approaching holidays)—here we| ‘The young man who is to “bear much confinement ” on £15 a year, ac. ‘ — = , had better enlist in the Russian service, get taken by the English, an _, War with my ancient Christian ally, Russia, is still proceeding, and | he would be considerably better off as a Russian prisoner than as a it is to be regretted that the temper of the nation is such that though | captive clerk in an English office. Instead of getting up subscriptions the noble lord at the head of my Government is most desirous to make to add to the comforts of the subjects of the Czar = have fallen into peace at any price, the country will not listen to such counsel. Under| oyr hands in the course of the war, it would be far more worthy of such circumstances there is no alternative but the reluctant prosecu- | British benevolence to get up a subscription for the poor ill-paid clerks tion of hostilities. ing “ = little salaries. You will have learned by the papers and (at very considerably later | vio. beans” aa et eee periods) by the eee ee on aga — _ ——— — ee August, three victories, those of Alma, o aklava, and of Inkermann, have shed a baleful lustre upon British arms. The noble lord at the | A Saint Militant. . head of my Government will, in his place here, explain to youthat these) Bevrore every sortie of the Russians the image of St. Nicworas victories are entire mistakes, and that had a policy, martial enough to, js carried round the batteries. As there is some doubt of the validity save ces, but devoid of aggravation to the Emperor or Russta,| of Russian orders of Saintship, it is probable that this act is intended been by the leaders of the allies, peace, which is the object of | to put the “Canonization” of the Czan’s sainted namesake beyond all war, would have been more facile of attainment. But at the same time, | question. , as the victories have been won, they must be aceepted and registered | It is proposed that henceforth pilgrims to the saint’s shrine, shall as brilliant errors. : | carry on their, shoulders bombrshells, instead of scallop-ditto, and in The conduct of the Emrzror or Austria and of the Krve or) their hands, instead of the usual pilgrim’s staff, a gun-rammer, Paussta is, in the opinion of the noble lord at the head of my Govern- ment, most admirable. It is matter of congratulation that | have been enabled to euter into an alliance with the former power, by which

SPECULATIVE FREYCHMEN. : Austria is, in the most solemn and categoric manner, bound to act with desperate Parisia blers last resource, are actual! the strictest regard to contingencies, modified by circumstances, de- ain put “ yes awe for the pu of dis ral pais he pence, and interpreted by eventualities. Thus) of them on the Bourse, only we are rather id that they wil { find assured 0 y co-operation of Austria, we regard with equal | ‘orale i iscount in that quarter. respect and pleasure the impartial attitude assumed by Prussia, who | iam pace ne es ae negatives all incentives to demonstration until the ultimate fortune of | “th : i shall be evident to the weakest intellect-—I| Tae Toast or tux “ Acamemwow.”—“ A Lyon's share of all the allude, of course, to that of the Sovereign of Prussia. fighting.”

VOL. .XXVII, ‘ a never ceased to entertain unfriendly feelings towards his Imperial | imposing the most disagreeable taxation you do your best to disgust You will not have to discuss a single measure of importance, — | noble lord at the head of my Government thinks had better be done |

eRe iy

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ot ya Ree at : in Ape asa = span Py et oncom I Se ae ae Fv Lag) Bae Eas renee 7 eae Teer ssa 240 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE PARVENU AND THE BOTTLE-HOLDER. “ The greatest interest is excited,” says a Paris Correspondent, “ abort a conversa. | thoe whieh has taken place at &-Cload, eon the Rurenos sad Loep PaLuenrsrow.” On seading this, Mr. Pusch immediately wrote to hoth, for their notes of tne conversa- tion in question, and as he thinks that ite publication may be serviceable, he priats it without the slightest hesitation, or the lity of asking leave of eithe: of his above-mentioned friends. Scene.—After Dinner at St.-Cloud. Parcenu, In that ease, my dear Lonp Patmenston, it is clear that —by the way, what a pity you don’t smoke. (Lagh/s cigarette.) , Fottle-holder. 1 have been told so, your Majesty. Phey say that a cigar in one’s mouth gives one so much time to answer a question. 1 have usually an answer ready. Apropos of nothing, CLanENnDoN smokes. Parvenu, Right—he is nothing. Else the Foreign’ Secretary of England might, one would say, have been the Envoy naturally selected for a foreign mission. I am the gainer, of course, cela va sans dire, but what shall we say of a certain Ministry ? Bottle-holder (demurely), Whatever your Majesty may please to say of that Ministry it will be for me to listen to with resignation. I would add that your Majesty is skiJful in the use fof language, but I must doubt whether it will occur to you to speak more severely, as regards that estimable body, than po speak in England. Parvenu. Ah! Let us omit censure. How much more pleasant to speak in eulogy of the chivalry of an able and popular statesman, who consents to share the obloguy cast upon his colleagues, and who descends to an inferior station that he may the more effectually serve them at need. Bottle-holder. 1 bave reason to believe, your Majesty, that my motives are even more emphatically recognised by my colleagues than are my services. [They exchange glances. Parvenu. That is well, for then, no matter what may occur, there can be no eharge of treachery or insincerity. This is a malicious world, and cruelly apt to place wrong constructions upon actions. Let us project our minds into the future, and suppose that something Aas occurred upon which (but for the understanding you describe) our friend ABERDEEN might look unfayourably. Bottle-holder. Does your Majesty mean a glorious trigmph of the Allied Arms ? Parvenu. To re-arrangements at home, calculated to conduce to many such triumphs. Bottle-holder. will not affect to misunderstand your Majesty. IT am to suppose that I have the honour of being here in a different capacity, say that ef Foreign Secretary ? Parvenu. You are too modest, my dear Lorp Patmerstoy. In very early life you recollect that it was feared that characteristic might injure your rise—how delightful to see the freshness of youth still pr wen Bn to you. Possibly, if I mentioned you as Premrer, you might almost get up a blush. Bottle-holder. We have arranged with ABERDEEN, your Majesty, who has a great deal of blushing for himzelf to do, that he shall under- take that duty for us all. I venture to think that I can bear the dazzling vision your Majesty has been pleased to raise. Parvenu, “ A Scotch mist clears away, and discovers an Engiish Minister at the head of English affairs,” After that stage direction, my Lord, what follows ? Bottle-holder (with animation). Not England—she has followed long enough. It is time she to lead. Parvenu (imperturbably). Never excite yourself. What do you} mean by lead? Do you take the word from the card-table? Because, | if 80, you must know that no one ean lead out of his turn. Bottle-holder, | admit it, your Majesty, but when we are sick of irre- | 'I should say (under ‘make Austria our bitter and avewed enemy. —— == = solute play, of being deceived, of having (indignantly) our best hearts forced, until they are covered by the adversary’s spades— Parvenu (gravely). Enough—enough—France, too, has her account to settle with that accursed Crimea. ns Bottle-holder (recovering himself). Then, your Majesty, it is paapie } t to demand a change of partners. In other ena your } pardon my being for a moment in earnest—if finds that out of all Europe, France alone is her friend, rely it that does not play again the oldfeolish wr Sbsch i agerality where it could not obteim friendship, in presence of ‘ great powers shal] be my—sball be Ea: ’s friends, or her enemies, Parvenu, You cannot make | the first,. De jesty instance, ean never really be the friend of ic Austria, for | democratic Bottle-holder. No, your Majesty, but thank Heaven, | ean—I could, | circumstances you were pleased to suppose) Parvenu. Why, while her ruler is Paancis Josgrn— Bottle-holder. May Ltn ey for the qarmation —exppote the =~ te be Jossrs, wi oe Francis. twos —" — e got at slight expense Simple precess, W we ave the additional advantage (oe off i E Hapspure, the regeueration jal. the triumph of one Gruserre, surnamed Mazzuxi, and the ests nt of a perma- nent barrier against Cossack aggression—all trifles, but fortunately, to be‘obtained at trifling eost, if one happened to want them. : Parvenu. Conti certainly give England eredit for looking to —_ results without a shudder, Possibly, the nezves of France may e less firm. Bottle-holder. What if she should invigorate them by a plunge into the Lower Rhine. We promise not to steal her clothes while she is bathing, as a \petionhe friend of your Majesty’s and mine observed. Parcenu. With that understanding, I could afford to let the people of Franee see the people of Austria allowed to imitate my subjects (gravely) and choose their own ruler. ° o Bottleholder (gravely), Without venturing to pronounce an opinion upon your pale > economy or means, I assure you that the next Ministry of which I may have the honour of forming part, will have no sentimental traditions in reference to Germany. Parcenu. Then I may say, as I said just now—in that case, my dear Lorp PaLMERsTON, it 1s clear that— {But a message from the Empress fo the effect that thé était prét, here summoned the gentlemen from their wine, A FAIR WAY OF RAISING THE WIND. at following state- in the Connaught Watchnan :— neighouring parish has fallen on @ sin- seem, successful, de- the alter that no married men will be taken into the militia, while all bachelors are liable to be bal- loted for, .— im- pressed. on This hint, backed by his strongest recom- mendation to do so, the eligible bachelors of his flock have very extensively entered into the matrimonial state. As each marriage secures a handsome fee to his reverence, his advice was not very disinterested.” The dodge by which this particularly jolly priest’ has turned an honest penny is not likely to injare Her Masesty’s Service to any alarmin extent : and it is only to be wished that gentlemen of his cloth woul generally preach in a similar spirit about matrimony, He has quite a right to puff his own business, Let nobody envy his Reverence his harmless gains. Connaught contains some wild lads whom his sermons will have rendered steady. Those discourses will probably not be found to prevent the Connaught Militia from obtaining its complement of reeruits: although they may thin the ranks of a certain brigade of Jonvaught Rangers. Moreover, in time of need the married men will doubtless t for their wives and children, and so (in Connaught certainly) will all the bachelors. Faer ron Mr. Goven.—Generat Bosqust led the French to glory, but GenerAt Bosxiness brought the Russians to grief. vice for replenishing his pocket at the ex- | pense of Han Ma- | Jesty's Service. He | has announced from | fall of the House of | ment hasappeared | ~. priest in a gular,and, asitwould |

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_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 241

| engine-driver. The valve was opéned to its widest extent, and the pantings of the | over-Iaden steam horse were quite alarming. The band of the 40th struck up a delude ourselves: we add little | 6n, and a stout gentleman in @ dress coat, ready for the banquet, came behind and | No Securities like Government Securities ! THE FIRST RAILWAY IN AUSTRALIA. | THE POISONERS OF THE PRESENT CENTURY. N Australian paper) Tue Morning Post reports an assemblage of medical and scientific gives an account | gentlemen, which took place last week at Birmingham, to discuss a of the start—and question of much importance to the interior. The stomach is supposed rather a “ ram to be principally a receptacle for two classes of substances; food and it was—of | physic. Together with these, however, in point of fact, it admits a first Railway | considerable quantity of rubbish, commingled with them by certain | in Australia. The| rascals. The consideration of what measures the Legislature should | lime is called the adopt to put an end to this villany constituted the business of the Hobson’s Bay meeting, in the course of which a gentleman named PostGate made Line ; and from the some statements which are caleulated to make us open our eyes and account of the shut our the poor creatures who subsist upon root proceedings we, We turn — noses” at , ; better turn them again. We flatter our- the case of Hob- selves that we eat bread; but bread, to Mn. Posreartr, in

son’s Bay Hobson’s many cases, of the despised in the ratio of a quartern to choice has a peck of meal. & proportionate extent the stomach tem of realised. the consumer are cheated out of nitrogen, which potato-foar not dS ite esr i im attvegen i oe ag Wear te ~ ; ‘ qui abounds in azote. It may be necessar out of the line of the Australians, if we may judge by the deseription to explain to children in arms that azote means that which does not contained in the fellowimg paragraph, extracted from the Sydney caper Tie eat it is an alas of the substance now called nitrogen, Empire, of the 18th of September :— ' _ was thereto when chemistry was, like themselves, in its “Sie Cuartes and Lapy Hormam and a considerable number of the distingtidhed —_—. . 0 ry i e , which only consis of fou By the same authority we are given to understand that we af@ apt the alguel wee sives to pressed, The steam Was turned co, but the iron heres wea 0 6¢ Much mistahen wien We think we are beiplan Gurseives 10 not budge an inch. Great was the dismay depicted on the face of the engineer end cream ; anatto and turmeric communicate the appearance by which we : to our tea or coffee but colouring tune to hide the cotifusion, but still the train would not move. Accordingly a matter, which may be defined as agure or sky-blwe disguised with drab. host of railway and policemen set to work and pushed itslong che line by main, Jt farther that of Paradise, uf they are not to be taken ietco for s hundred yards, when it agate cause 40 dead stop. More polite then GB quay grand , ate — 5 to be bought without a great many applied bis shoulder vigorously to the baifer of the last carriage, and at last, by slow Sains Of linseed. This fact concerns all who delight in beer, and do degrees, the train moved, amid shouts of laughter from the assembled thousands in not brew their own. Grains of Paradise are brewers’ grains—albeit, Flinders Street.” | unfit for pigs. The brewer who cheats his customers therewith has This is not exactly the way to"go a-head in an infant Colony, and himself been cheated by his druggist; and those who place their though the poliee may be considered to embody the great prmeiple paradise im beer, and drink his, get but a very slight taste of their fool's implied in the words “ move on!” we do not think “the force” should : : be used in applying that principle to an obstinate railway train. Even the | Honey, generally supposed to be derived from the bloom of plants, police, however, could not make the Hobson’s Bay locomotive “move is stated to be made in great part out of bakers’ flour, to which are on!” and it was only when “astout gentleman in a dress coat” applied added raw sugar and pipeclay by the dishonest imitators of the his shoulder to the “buffer”—and it became a question of “ buffer industrious bee. : ; ; against buffer,” that the train moved in earnest, and the old buffer| P lozenges, instead of sugar for their base, have a i Me triumphed over the mew one. As it is probable that the stout party in much baser substance, namely, oe — so that sag Sem ections 1 concretions. e pilaster the dress coat will not be always at hand to put his shoulder to the oF become changed from con: é wheel of a refractory railway cartiage, it is to be hoped that the Aus-| of Paris is qualified with a little ‘starch—bat that, at any rate, would tralians will get up their steam a little better than they did on the not prevent ite stiffening. Mx. Postcate also says that the acid of | inauguration of their first Railway. Later advices are, however, not acidulated drops is the sulphuric: whilst tartaric acid is, in the pro- very encouraging, for a more recent extract informs us that -— | Portion of 30 per cent, no acid at all, but merely an astringent, viz., : alum : asort of tartaric acid that must have been invented in Tartarus. ~ As the atx oldlok train was leaving Sandridge's sigh‘ deranguinent occurred which | Tt does not appear that the meeting succeeded in devising any pam — WAS ama t artse ham code eft fire - hoving fallen am ~~ that adequate punishment for the adulteration of diet and medicine. The the fire could not be sustained.” | best would be to make an offender subsist on adulterated diet till he _ What with an engine that won’t strike out, and a fire that won’t bows was ill, and then te physic him with adulterated medicine. in, we fear that the railway system must be considered in a state of | anteiianeeatia infancy, or even babyhood in Australia. 4 fe oe ee << The Russian Bear and his Cubs. It,is understood that the Emrzron ov Resera has bestowed the

MANCHESTER PEACE-GOODS. order of something or other pon his two sons for “ the bravery they | isreepectfully dedicated ™ | displayed both before and after the battle of Iukermann.” We cannot ? and a compliment the “licked cubs” of the Czan om a display of courage at Never mind about the kicks, so long as you get the halfpence. once premature and tardy, for the valour that intrudes itself before Britons, strike home—but mind, the strike musn’t come near @| battle begins must be as much ont of place as the heroism that is Cotton-mill. exhibited after a battle is over. We suspect that there is a good deal Better to lick the dust than lick the enemy. of Russian bravery of the same inopportune kind, and we confess we There is but owe Manchester, and the whole world is its profit, a admiration for the courage of the allies, which makes itself An Englisbman’s Home is his Castle, but then it should be a Castle,| manifest at the exact time when it is wanted. not for Behting but for feasting, like the Castle at Richmond, where there are no charges but hotel charges, and the only dead men are “ay bottles. ; SUPERNATURAL SCIENCE. best Bail for keeping the Peace is your Bale of Manchester! py the aecount of Jonee Epwxnps they still serw to be commani- Goods. cating with the spirit world im Amerion. Can the Fudge inform us Every gan fired makes » hole im our profits. whether spirit-writing can be accomplished with » Medium Pencil ? arden grind Old England young again is, it must be confessed, a ton Muil. Sooner than Manchester lose its Peace, sacrifice the whole of A Fact rom tax Epvcation Commusstorens—A pupil at a school was asked the other day to name some of the tribes ex- real pillars of Great Britain are the Chimmeys of Cottonopelis. jena Hivites, e

from Canaan by the Israciites. The boy auswered “ tes, and Puseyites |”

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a ven oN TOR, ) - - | 242 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Py. di eS 7 WHAT OUR NAVVIES “ Gay Gorpons, fling up every bonnet ! Drawn—discussed—settled—ratified, fast— | W ith the broad seal of England upon it, Here’s the Treaty with Austria at last! *T will foil Russian projects so sinister ; Twill finish the war—clear and clean; And better than all, as Prime Minister Twill secure us “Ce cher ABERDEEN.” In short all the Tadpoles and Tapers Declare ’tis a masterly coup : Here’s none of your one-sided papers ; Tis off-ensive and de-fensive too. “ Offensive?” the country will say, “ The description is perfectly true :” For, as Hamiet remarks in the play, “ There’s offence in’t, and much offence too.” Offensive it is—beyond doubt : for grievously all it offends, Who would see Right and Wrong fight it out, And not shaking hands, like good friends. Offensive to all who remember W hat Austria ever has been, POUR ENCOURAGER LES AUTRES. A Certars Lorp, lately commanding a } j Cavalry regiment, bas resigned his Command jand retired from the service at the most critical period of the Campaign. The act has excited much remark among the Army, not flattering (we are bound to add) to the officer | setting such an example at such atime. The officer has returned to England. How has he been received im that quarter in which, With coldness—with marked disfavour—or with that chill and cutting civility, which is | bitterer than a That officer honour of being the guest of the Quezn. Heaven forbid that at this moment Mr. Poycu should approach Her Masesty with aught but the language of affectionate loyalty. | But the next time he dines at Windsor, he | will certainly take the liberty of hinting to |Hee Masesty, in the most delicate way, | that this is not exactly the thing to encou- | rage the self-devotion which, at this moment, | is offering up the best blood of Britain on the | heights before Sebastopol. i 4 Hint to the Commissariat. | “Mr Puwscu,—As an article of food which | would be popular in the Crimea, especially in | the ith Uasinenta, is there no way of | preserving or potting sheep’s head ? If sheep’s head were sent out to the army, there can be | no doubt that the officers and men would find the pluck. *‘ Permit me to subscribe myself, “Bioe Arnon.” “ Newgate Market, Dee. 1854.” LIKELY TO DO. OFFENSIVE AND DEFENSIVE.” | Not in lies acted, uttered, or written, | Whether Russ, or Pruss, Austrian, or Greek. | To all who, for Italy feeling, Our defences are those that environ | Would loose Austria’s gripe from her Free bearts that to free hands appeal— | throat ; 2 | Our navies’ hard oak and hot iron | Who would listen to Hung’ry’s appealing, Our armies’ cool heads and cold steel. And lend her a hand ’gainst the Croat, Still your treaty we own, is “defensive” Of Austria’s ill-gotten gains, : Which the Hapssure has found it expensive | To defend at his own cost and pains. | Defensive of rights of possessio: (Sole rights that e’er Austin tend known) : Still trampling out Freedom’s least ember Wherever its glimmer is seen, | To all who, by history’s warning, Have learnt to believe that the night Must still be at odds with the morning, As darkness is hostile to light, | To all who in gen’rous aversion, Defensive of lawless aggression Hold tyranny, perjury, lies, : : Priest-craft, state-craft, and crushing coercion | That shakes on a tottering as Of minds, bodies, hearts, heads, and eyes. | Defensive of frontiers Gallician, ; ee Of , -beari in ; 'Yes. “Offensive,” whate’er its conditions, | Det: ore e Any treaty with Austria must be. | And Lombardy’s vine-clad champaign. | But this has “ defensive provisions.” ‘ “ Defensive” of what? Let us see. | To command of the Danube we’ll hoist her, Give her aid if a subject rebels : So Austria swallows the oyster, | And gives France and England the shells ! Defensive of France or of Britain ? Thank God, our defences we seek, A Bright Future. Accorpine to the doctrines of Mr. Bricu Peace Society, all war is wrong, and therefore The Coming Man. . . We have received news of this most important and invisible indi- hn = Qe, he vidual. He was already on his way—he was coming as fast as he gang of brigands is wrong. If, then, those doctrines were put into could come—he had actually got a sag 4 - present Age, but was so practice, the country might be ravaged b Ry = of banditti, and disgusted with the little he did see, ow theré would be no means of putting the ro quence of carrying out Peace principles would be that the Peace would be broken with impunity: and as there would preserve the Peace, in order to restore it, somebody would very soon Inkermann may be said to have partaken of the character ceme from abroad. he immediately went back n. Sothe conse- | #8412. be nobody at home to, Tue Rvusstans Artoat.—On the part of the Russians, ie wee . & nay engagement in so far as the combatants were half-seas over. for the soldier, stands the fountain of honour ? | as more than once had the | l-tAant “nt waatasast

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—. ips A= OYSTRIA AND Decemper 16, 1854.) : : : : THE SHELLS. — [Puncn, No.

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Tee ey

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| which is ful | who conscientiously try to ‘ | ground of the musical world, that a“ Bacu Society ” | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. 245 ———r AND THE BUMBLES. me parochial pa- triots are comi out again in ful force, or rather in full feebleness. The vestry of St. Pancras echoes once the THE WAR declamations of dissentients and the Board Room of Maryle- ro bone vibrates with the eloquence of behind the parochial mal- contents. When- ever there is a ‘crisis” the Me- tropolitan vestries begin to indulge in those irrele- vancies which lead The them to neglee their own proper the business, and set them off ona Quixotic inquiry into the merits of Ministers, instead of adhering to their proper province of controlling | me expenditure. The parochial patriot gets so inflated with the idea of his own — that he feels himself a statesman i of a vestryman, he asks indi tly what is going on “out of doors,” a pompous question we should like to answer oral by saying, that “ they are just going round with the afternoon’s erying “muffins,” The War is, of course, a fine field for the senators of the Vi Room, and poor Lorp ABERDEES i is being spattered with the patriotic mud of parochial invective, at least once a week in at least two of the London parishes, We are continually nauseated by reports of speeches in which we are told of the “ attitude aX le bone must assume,” and “the position St. Pancras must take up,” in “the present state of things _ the Crimea.” We recommend the hotienen most of whom are espectable tradesmen, to be satisfied with assuming a graceful “ atti- tu e” while waiting on their customers, and taking up a becoming "position ” behind their respective counters. t is very kind of the parochial patriots to think of “serving their eountry ;” but if they will, for the present, content themse ives with serving ‘those who favour them with orders, their country will be equally obliged to them. We are sometimes afraid from their language, fof allusions to “honourable members ” and “ this side of the house ” that the Vestrymen have all gone mad, and imagine them- selves the House of Commons, nor should we be surprised at their treating one of their own resolutions as an Act of Parliament, and of it, as chapter so-and-so, of the 4 and 5 of Nicobar, or the 6 and7 of D’lrrancer. If these sort of fooleries continue we shall really feel disp et, somebody to aet the part of a parochial CROMWELL, and dissolve + - parochial parliament at on fell swoop, by ordering the Beadle, who we believe Is always in attendance, with his cocked-hat and brass-headed staff, to “ take away that hauble,’ A BACK-HANDER. Iw this country there is @ strong tendency in things to start up the more you try to put them down, im fact if a thing is really good there is no quizzing it out of its vitality. We have occasionally indulged in a good humoured joke at the expense of our rusty fusty friend Bacu, the great composer of innumerable Ops, and whose sundry Schezzi in A, B, or C, are anything but A BC work to those ‘render them.” Such however is the tenacity with which the virtuom keep a what may be called the Bacn has sprung, or rather toddled, into existenee. This society we believe invites an audience, and has such a thorough-going way of Bacu-ing its friends, that there is nothing to be heard but Bacu during the whole evening. We shall expect to find the Bacu enthtsiasm ultimately reaching such a height that the Bacurres will be satisfied with nothing less than a Bacu attic in which to hold their meetings, Law or War.—The siege of Seasopa, having j m prospect a breach, may be regarded as a suit for breach of promise. A Sewer Reapy-Manz.—Brick over the Thames. more with figure AFTER SUPPER AMUSEMENT “Carry Master Ciicquor to bed.” AT BERLIN, Variation of Shakespeare. Cicero says that nobody dances sober. From this rule, of eourse, are to be excepted individuals of the feminine gender. ies have a sufficient motive for dancing. It is the only exercise, worthy of the name, that they ever take. In dancing, moreover, they carry out the principal end of their education, which is to present the most attractive out ap le. A dancing-girl is a display of a pretty gure im t attire and graceful attitudes. A danoing-man is a comical @hject. He would, indeed, be an exhibition entirely pitiable, but for the ro that he has, in England at least, a partner usually more or pleasant, with whom o waeltg or a polka is an allowable i this cause he does not mimd painting his toes, and kieking his porahing about an nt with his coat-tails flying It is nige to be unwise . The gi: as that Quern or that he spun by her side among @ tram of women. Se does a ry? = Guardsmen, or other hero, spim with his One for the evening look + ng less absurd but r more 80, than bip. He is ridiculous blest. A ye I by sim y ridiculous. greater the man the a ancy a or the Long Cas Goapenians. 45> oa in their A. 7. ine as cavalier seul, or Can- the Colle ege Horn aa or the ae oat the fea moe Buckingham Palage, footin be Bd tune of “ these grave and reverenc after supper, and that of pase, they appear to do as atres Conaeraplxoupi the converse of the The world i eredibly informed that other | im holy Matrimony be dicen 4 Salemiiy om pre- ceremonies of a nt nature, being neither solemm nor suitable, with the exception of the discharge of numerous guns; music which, a the existing dircumstances of Europe, may be ‘admitted to have been serious and appropriate. The rest of the nuptial rites — of mummery and flunkeyism, more or less brilliant, whereof x was, according to the Times, “a polonaise, or torch-dance, pat ne by twelve Ministers of State, with wax-tapers in their hands.” ‘This might he ealled the Polonaise of eee the rather that, as it came direetly after the wedding su he dancers probably exhibited more signally than usual, the senile po ete of “most weak hams.” It is said that the Ministers were twelve, To their Sovereign they probably appeared twenty-four. The example of these advise rs of Prussia’ ajesty was, we are further told, followed by the “ King, and all the Princes, the ‘Bridegroom, the Queen, and all the Princesses.” Again comes the question, Is it possible to imagine great people making themselves such fools? Yes: not only Soasilite the thing was done. However, in conformity with what Cicwno says, it was not done till alter supper. What a mess Ber, must have made with their candle-grease !— anew the pe ne his Majesty’s hand has been rendered ag un- aay oy te oe Phat may exist about the nature of the influence under whick these Royal hymenwals were celebrated, is removed by the fact that, by way of eindios up this excessively jolly evening, the Bride’s garter was cut up into pieces, which were distributed as wedding favours among the company. King Stephen with a Difference. Kine Cuicquor was the worse for beer ; His eups will cost him but a crown : He holds the flagon all too dear ; For thet they call the sovereign, loon. He is 4 ae hyn yl one pg py be anay “eg change the swipes-pot for the tea ee ee AMMUNITION PROM CHEMA. As instancing the enthusiasm im providing for the wants of the Army whieh inspires ail ranks, it may be mentioned that the (roeers are sending out Gunpowder. aa eee eet coke | | a copy of

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ee Sn ae ar vitae no eee naan nen ere TERM

Pian een eniatien

a sop ype mea wimaans

onmaallis Oo mat Sa hy OO - ra ie

246 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,

| - . SONG FOR THE ALLIED ARMY. To the Celebrated Tune of “Ca Ina.” Le Czar ira, Czar ira, Czar ira A tous les diables, oui, je Je répete, Le Czar ira, Czar ira, Czar ira; Malgré les All’mands, tout réussira. A Sébastopol on le ross’ra, Comme a fehermai et a |’ Alma. Le Czar ira, Czar ira, Czar ira, Au diable par la baionnette ; Avec vitesge il fuira. Le Czar ira, Czar ira, Czar ira A tous les diables, oui, je le répéte, Le Czar ira, Czar ira, Czar ira ; Malgré les Joun Brieuts, tout réussira. Quand Urquaart, jadis, du Czar nous parla Comme un prophéte, il prédit tout c’la. Le Czar ira, Czar ira, Czar ira Au diable avec tout’ sa famille. Le Czar ira, Czar ira, Czar ira. Des alliés tout s’accomplira ; Jamais Je Ture on n’abaissera; Plus haut qu’avant on le relévera. Le Czar ira, Czar ira, Czar ira A tous les diables, oui, je le répéte, Le Czar ira, Czar ira, Czar ira; Malgré Veuv’ Cricquor, tout réussira Pendant la guerre, aucun ne trahira. Anglais, Francais, un l’autre soutiendra ; S’il voit un Russe, haro on criera : Le Czar ira, Czar ira, Czar ira. Que |’on fasse & Vienne ce qu’on voudra, Le patriotisme lui répondra : Les neutres ont cceurs de femmes; L’alliance toujours vaincra ! Oui! Czar ira, Czar ira, Czar ira A tous les diables, oui, je le répéte, Le Czar ira, Czar ira, Czar ira ; Malgré Jes All’mands, tout réussira

VERY MUCH TO BE PITIED. lst Undergrad. “Wet, Frep, Froorep tae Questions?” =< 2nd Undergrad. “ No, HANG IT! WHat CAN a FeELLow DO WITH TWO MEN ON EACH SIDE | ? 8 WHO DON'T KNOW MORE THAN HIMSELF, AND A CONFOUNDED EXAMINER BEHIND PReveNTING) New Reaprne.—“ When Greek meets Greek, HIM LOOKING aT HIs Pocket-Book !” thea comes the ‘Hue of War.”

THE WAR EXHIBITIONS. Sixce Astiey’s gallantly led the way with the Badtle of the A/ma, and gained the heights of popularity, as well as the heights befor: Sebastopol, the example has been followed by numerous caterers for bombs, ten-pounders, paint-pots and paint brushes, which England’s— . the entertainment of the public ; and there seems to be no investment | ‘ . ——e - _ so profitable as the investment of Sebastopol, The war is not confined | #2d GomreRtz s—war with Russia have called into powerful activity. { to the Crimea, but it has been carried into the very heart of England, | and has even found its way to Clifton, whose walls bear the marks of | some tremendous broadsides, which have been poured into the place, with the hope of taking it by storm, and laying siege to the pockets of the inhabitants. The war now being waged in the West is a sort of counterfeit of the war in the East; and while, at the Crimea, we have | England’s war with the Czar, we find at Clifton “Gompertz’s war with Russia.” It appears from Gomprertz’s printed declaration of war, that he has for twenty years been engaged in hostilities—on | canvas—with the enemies of this country; for “ stimulated by the general appreciation of his war with China, and, on a prior occasion, that of the Cabul passes,” he has, it seems, gone to war with Russia | ona scale of magnitude and an extent of canvas far exceeding his | former achievements. We wish that England were as triumphant with her stores and ammunition as GomreRtz is with his paint pot and his rew “brushes ” with the enemy. The facility with which Gompertz lands his troops in the Crimea “elicits,” as we are informed by himself, “the most | enthusiastic and simultaneous expressions of approbation,” and we can | well ewe te enthusiasm — - ~c —_ GoMPERTz rings bis war with Russia to a conclusion by the “ultimate triumph | of the allied armies.” With such a result before us, we wonder there | panany BRAVERY, is not a cry of “Gompertz for Premier,” in place of ABERDEEN, and IN HONOUR OF THE PRI¥CES indeed of the two men, the views of the former will the better bear MICHAEL AND NICHOLAS, canvassing. , In the explanatory bill that forms as it were the programme of the Va Vl Te Ss ae oe war, our friend Gompertz gives a succinct account of the policy of the FLIGHT FROM INKERMANN! Czar, which we are informed was of such a nature as to render hos- tilities—and of course GoMPERTz’s panorama—utterly inevitable. | Nicworas is therefore denounced as being responsible for the frightfal shedding of blood—and consumption of paint—which has come to pass ;

NEW JEWEL FOR THE POURTH ORDER or

so that on his head will fall the whole of the consequences, including }

Re epnrerermneearrarene.

wr ~~ ee:

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PUNCH, OR THE ‘LONDON CHARIVARI.

| THE LORD CHANCELLOR AND THE SECOND COLUMN OF THE “TIMES.” myce the Lorv CHanceLion takes cognisance of love fi letters, and commits young gentlemen to the Queen’s ing on for writing them, | e beg to call his lordship’s | attention to the evidently amatory communica’ which are daily ~~ - through the second column of the Times ,hewspaper.

lordship, Possibly the communications might have been partly con- tained im a file of the Times, where, if couched !in cyphers, they would have afforded his lordship a series of “nuts to crack,” with his port, durimg the approaching Christmas. If Lorp CranwortH should find any difficulty, we flatter ourselves we are rather clever at getting at a kernel through the le gt shell, and we shall be happy to place at the disposal of the Court of Chancery, our own intellectual nut-crackers. As a specimen of our abilities we beg to eall the attention of the} Caancexor to the following from the Times of November 30, which | is probably intended for the eye of some ward of the court whom we are perhaps saving from the grasp of some needy, greedy, and seedy adventurer by the course we are now taking— | ROM AIBARA.—Thyt lluwr ng, I mntch ngd, bthy mdvr yffrt tknww hrar—urm rtmthn vr! I dhpn dhvvr ynef dnenyr cnstncy.—Id! f myhr tfrnt! Lyfr mnd schd vinms thvt 'srwrd.— Times, Nov. 30.

If the writer’s motives are as easily seen through as the clumsy enigma he has concocted, we think we might safely leave him to be dealt with by even the dullest of guardians. We give the obvious translation of the above rather transparent piece of protestation— OM ARABIA.—They tell you wrong. I am not changed, but have made every effort to know where you are; you are more to me than ever! I do hope and have every confidence in your constancy. Idol of my heart, fear not! Live for me, and such devotion must have its reward.

A QUERY FOR THE WAR OFFICE. Onck upon a time, it is said, there was a Brigadier-General in India. Genera Nort was his eommander-in-ehief. Generat Nort sent to the Brigadier an order to advance with the troops under his command. The Brigadier sent answer that it was oonegiii~ae doubt for some excellent military reason. Nort sent back to the Brigadier a repetition of his order. With it was a letter informing the Brigadier that a duplicate of the order had been sent to his second in comm ag! presen if the Brigadier still declined to advance, to advance the B and b bring the Brigadier along with it under fixed bayanete. So runs ——_ story. Mr. Pusch would res lly ask the Due or Newcast.e if he es ever heard it. x. he have, does he know the name of the Brigadier? And if he know, would he oblige Mr, Puach by informing tim him whether that ~ ‘now commands a division of the army of the Crimea, and, further, © ad if anything happen to deprive that army of the services of Lomp Raciay, the routipe of service, whieh would entitle this Brigadier to the command in place of Lonp Racian, would be followed ?

Justice to the Enemy. Russtaw exaggeration of the numbers of the Allies who beat them at Alma and Inkermann, may not be entirely wilful falsehood. After the raki and rum with whieh the Cossacks were primed for fighting, no doubt they saw two. Freachmen and as many Englishmen for every one. .

ward. ducovery |mere title of the reeipe makes every } LAW »v. PHILOSOPHY. | A May, it is said, is either a fool or physician at forty, and it appease by by a recent decision of Lonp Camrsett, that a man }: emma a Ly. or es * Given ¢ a philoso hen the tax Lilbophes™ es . ~ has been recently mitt “hat whi eared pare judge, in a bridge Phos Society. ould be sorry, however, to come ~~ the conclusion pointed at jon men as we do not wish to be classed the ee en maniacs are continually contributions to the CmanceLion or tHe Excuequen, er view is taken of we peer it is ing to ry pope of a few shillings Z dge to then) i not be a very a tedeed. co! t ase ho meet hi ove of

w star (§ the announcement in the pewapeuery Sot any one is giving Vulgar Burlesque, or “ starring” it in t Or suppose the following to appear in the Chemical Gazette :— ot ad Mernop ov Preraasivna Mowop LAMONTUM, —The proper materials are placed in @ ae te the required temperature, and the oi en continued as long as — Ly <¥ t is attained, | the process is Stopped; the result is‘ thrown’ ons fier into & water beth,’ and, if the a ok, is not successful, piehed to the deuce. Would not this be news? Perha stuff with the lo is any wisdom in it may be objected that the name is a non-isolated radicle ; but surely if there e wigs of the Bench, it will be admitted that the atom of it equivalent to news. In conclusion, it may be well to ps Lay that while we object to the inference that no 4g an se gee read newspapers, though such inference be made by all the judges, even the holder of the Great Seal—we would strongly impress upon the various philosophical Societies, that now that the — of War are so much required, every one ought to pay his whacks WHAT WILL THE GERMAN’S FATHERLAND BE? bat, will the German’s Father- we twill be, if Father- Be, if the Germans fail to a Have nage apd sage, chained hand A zainat enc. ussla’ 8) ight, Off to Siberia marched in packs, And ‘skalk’ aloof, afraid to fight? | The lash resounding at their backs at if tif Ronsis gain, For Fotherlead, the sight how The ZAR ¢€ And Father ye 4 bes wi be, Nat aati Left of all the Rhine, What Po is to Muscovy. But far beyond it, by-anc by, ¢ Lagles fly ! Should France and England over- To aee the Gallie Eayien fy thro Germans! the Fatherland disowns All by thaneaieen the tyrant toe, A helpless brood of stocks and sere will take the stones, ; chance, pting sons who understanc tow toe to defend their Fatherland. To be whatever pleases France. The Way the Cat Jumps. THE passinatia be behaviour of our troops is a great triumph for those = advocated the abolition of flogging in the army. Now that punishment is in a ont measure dinsentinned, the soldier pe seareely any stripes except for good conduct

A COLULDRUB. (Dy a Gentleman with a cold in hia head.)

If Ping ¥ Nigh ; . he will, in ery, it is we know, to eas om bow his that “ Lzorotp ” shows i fe Ske be loeked up, asks, ° om a we are not sure ~ our seat yin ass al distinguished contem — of Printing House cv how fa } there - is not guilty of a contempt | i i us _?— a = or two. hat is News | ? Do only | of court in aiding the pre- | fools The philosopher who was “caught” eating ~- of ang tener love- | the * deli i replied = answer to the sneer of an maki y throwimg open you suppose the goed things were meant me ang og aon vhe| ‘ools,” Ske . me + Do you suppose that news -| were meant o or news a ! ilosaphise ? form other similarly absurd freaks through the medium of al Punch never “phi ? And, — not the so-called advertisement. We perceive that the Caancettor refused to let ol losophical journals i ~~» e announcement im the young man out of durance the other day until he had placed all letters | * Phil, Foamseahons of the next discovery by Mr. Himp ofa he had received from the object of his adoration in the hands of his mi he may call it) will be as much “news” ae is Wuew is a pot-boy likely to become a soldier ?—Whel he’s goilz to | exy-bear (Crimes).

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI: i aT no a . — — AWKWARD PREDICAMENT. “Here! Brsou! Here! J can’t stop tHE Doc——I Know wHat My Wirg’tL po——‘ Lost, £5 Rewarp!’ aND IF HE CATCHES THE THINGAMY, I SHALL BE HAD UP FOR WHAT’S-A-NAMIN WITHOUT A: LICENCE.” OUR BRAVE NAVVIES. Horrau for bold Lorp Ractay, and valiant GenzraL Brown, And the brave men who fight under them to put a Tyrant-down. No end of glory to them all; of honour and renown To those who live: to them that fall an everlasting crown. As loud a cheer give, England, to the Navvies’ gallant band Who have gone to lend our warriors a stalwart helping hand. These to their work with shovel and crow-bar as true will stand, As those to theirs with bayonet, with rifle, or with brand. To hew out the highways of Peace was heretofore their trade ; Trust we the road to Conquest shall now by them be made.; ‘Their pickaxe at the Upas Tree of Russia will be laid, " And theyll dig at the foundations of the Tyrant with their spade. That Tyrant, brutal Nicnoxas, who rules by force and fear, Has he for subjects working men who hold their country dear ? In Russia are there any on his side to volunteer ? How many Navvies have they there to match our fellows here ? England needs no’Conscription which peasants must obey ; Her sons go forth to oe for her when they are free to stay : And many more will follow where the Navvies led the way, And may they, for a good day’s work, receive a good day’s pay ! —- _ The Heir with not many Friends! A NEWSPAPER paragraph informs us that the estates of a certain noble family are about to be “ brought to the hammer.” As we read the announcement we could not help thinking how many estates there are, which by being brought to the hammer are taken away from the Ninnyhammer. : Russtan Provers.—Your Raki makes the best soldier. | THE BISHOP OF EXETER’S DEAD WALL. ~ . | EveryzBopy admits that a line ought to-be drawn somewhere ; but | few probably are of opinion that a churchyard. isthe place for drawing | a line between one set of. people and another. ong those few appears to be the Bisnop or Exsrer. According to the Globe, the | Burial Board of Great Torrington, Devonshire, cannot get the Bishop to consecrate any portion of their cemetery, because the ground is } divided merely by a carriage-road. The Bishop wants a wall, and “If cemetery walls are not erected, not only all round the grounds, but across them, so as to make two distinct burial-grounds, the Bishep will not, allow Catch they throughout his wide — to have any ground, under the new statute, in which may bury their dead according to the rites of their own church.” ‘ The Bishor or Exeter does not seem to have that faith in th efficacy of consecration that his antecedents would induce most. people to give him credit for. Is he unaware that the herbage withers on that part of a burial ground which has not received episcopal benedic- tion f that the sun never shines and the rain and the dew descend not on the unblessed earth, insomuch that no turf is possible on the graves of Dissenters? Does he not consider that a sufficient distinc- tion? On the other hand can he not see that a brick wall does not, in fact, secure the division which he desires? It merely the bones of one denomination of Christians from those of another. . It does not prevent the softer parts of their old worn-out framés. from commingling in the form of those gases which they are resolved ito, and ascend in the air. What are the exteriors which we leave behin us in the world but cast-off apparel? And what, O Bishop! is the use of building a wall to separate old clothes? And is this the time for making such a distinction, when Roman came Presbyterian, and Churchman are interred side by side at. Inkermann “e THE QUAKER’S COLOURS. THE BEST WAY OF DyINnG FoR one’s Country :—Dyeing Drab. Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, U; Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, and Frederick Mullet Evans, of No. 27, Victoria 8 4 wy bard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of Londen, and Published in the County of Middlesex, Printers, at their Uffice the City of London.—Sartunpar, December 16, 1854. in Lom in the Parish of St. Margaret and St. John, Boel ht by them at No. 8, Fleet Street, in the Parish cf St. io

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON: CHARIVARI. 249 é arm. Sha Oper of Ge comme sae, whens nennes ote. semen ae on every occasion, shown themselves wo! of the utmost \. THE MISSING DESPATCH. and I beg to recommend re Gees eee “Tux Duxe or Newcastiz| consideration. ae prosonts his compliments to r. Punch, an to lace at his dis the ollowing despatch from F. M. Lorp Racetay, which | by an accident, over which the e had no control, has not been hitherto made public.” “War Office, Dec, 11. 1 p.m.” A \) \\ ’. R\\ y f.- \S J \ v4 Head Quarters, Camp before Sebastopol, Dec. 1, 1854, My Lorp Dvxz, My previous despatches (Nos. 60 to 69) having been written immediately after the actions to which they tespectively refer, were necessarily imperfect in de- tails. I believe, however, that they will be foun wanting in none of the particulars on which infor- mation is demanded by the : j forms of the Service. Tn compliance with the rule‘usually followed in such communications, I have hitherto considered it my first duty to bring under the favour- able notice of your Grace, for the well-merited recognition of the Country, the admirable conduct of every member of my personal staff on all occasions, the indefatigable exertions of all the Generals com- manding Divisions and Brigades, and the manner in which these exertions have been seconded by all the members of all the personal staffs of all these Generals, without a single exception. {an charge my memory with any omission in this respect, though for my fulfilment of this pleasing duty, I take no credit to myself. Intimate as I am with the Officers serving on my own staff (most of whom I have the pride of counting among my own relations or near connections), sharing with them not only the labours and dangers of the field, but the few hours of enjoyment and repose which the hard- ships of the campaign leave at our disposal, it is but natural I should bear ample and cheerful testimony to the accuracy and 5 with which these Officers have carried my orders, their admirable horseman- ship, their agreeable social qualities, the readiness with which they have borne unwonted privations, and their coolness under the hottest fire. Under these circumstances, it would have been unpardonable in me not to have assigned to these Officers the first place in all my official communications. The General Officers serving under my command, have, no doubt, been actuated by similar feelings (prompted by motives as creditable to all parties, and by services as conspicuous), in bringing so prominently forward for favourable consideration the names of the officers ws their respective staffs. No General and no Staff Officer having been left unnoticed, it may have been thought that my duty, as the medium for directing attention to eminent services, had been fulfilled. It is difficult for me to describe my obligations to Lrsurenant- YOLONEL Dixon, to whose resistless energy in bringing up his two eighteen pounder guns in the Battle of Inkermann (in connexion with the timely charge of the division of GznzRAL Seavey), I attribute the decision of that well-fought day in our favour. Nothing could exceed the stubborn courage of the whole British Army im that un lelled encounter with overwhelming numbers. It was an action, the glorious result of which can be but little attributed to my own dispositions as Commander-in-Chief, or to the unwearied services of my personal staff, any more than to those of the Generals of Division or Brigade, or their several staffs, all of whom I have already recom- mended to your Grace’s most favourable consideration for their conduct on that occasion. It was essentially a struggle of regiments, not a com- bination of masses, and was decided, not by strategy, but +. personal prowess of regimental officers (both Commissioned and Non-commis- sioned), and the unparalleled steadiness of the British private soldier. In the case of the Guards’ Division, this characterstic was particu- larly conspicuous. Owing to the wound which, early in the action, dis- abled Genzrat Bentinck, and the employment of his Roya Hienness THE Duke or CamBariner in other parts of the field, these splendid troops were for some hours left, virtually without a General Officer in command, but I am bound to say that, thanks to Cotonen Upton, the want did not seem to be felt. The noble young men, to whom were entrusted the colours of the different regiments, and their _coverin Serjeants, supplied a rallying point to the shattered battalions, an every Officer engaged covered himself with honour. , T have not hitherto had an opportunity of visiting the camp of this Division, but the moment I can find leisure to do so, I propose (if your Grace do not consider the proceeding in, pr snemy| to take an oppor- tunity of ieeahing them for their heroic defence of the redoubt, which ormed the key of our position on the right, I hope (subject to your Grace’s approval) to be able to offer the same recognition of the merits of every regiment engaged. eanwhile, besides the Officers whose names are annexed, I would earnestly recom- mend to notice the services of Captain Ex.ison of the Fusiliers, who, with admirable presence of mind, suggested to his men the use of stones, when their ammunition was exhausted; and those of a Serjeant of the Coldstreams, who, single-handed, captured sixteen Russian soldiers, but. whose name I omitted to enquire when I encountered him conducting his prisoners to the rear, with the unpretending air of a man who had performed asimple act of duty. Your Grace will on me for adding, that a Commission could not be better bestowed than on this Serjeant, should I eventually succeed in discovering him. The limits of a dispatch will not allow me to particularise examples, when not to be a hero was to be conspicuous, and it is extremel difficult to arrive at names, with which I have no familiar or habit connection, But I beg to add as many of these names as have reached me.* I cannot refrain from recommending to such consideration as can be bestowed on a Private, JosxpH CovnTEr (whose regiment you may ascertain by reference to his letter published in the Zimes), who (as I find from the public prints) after receiving two serious wounds, main- tained his place in. the s, and finally carried out of the field, in verone parts of his person, four Russian bullets and the fragment of a shell. The mention of this man’s name recalls to me that of SzrsBant It has, however, been ape. to me from quarters entitled to respect; that some notice of Officers in lower grades of the army would be neither injurious to the Service, unacceptable to your Grace, nor displeasing to the country. he names of even some Non-commissioned Officers and Privates have reached me, as having done their duty under difficult circumstances, in @ manner to merit particular mention. I am aware that, in venturing to bring under your Grace’s favourable consideration the names of merely Regimental Officers, possessing no claim of hereditary rank or social distinction, and still more in yr ne | to the ranks for conspicuous examples of heroism and self devotion, | am departing from precedent in a way many may think inexpedient and even hazardous. But I humbly venture to suggest that the conduct of the British army throughout this campaign, has m such as to justify me in a wide deviation from rule, ma I do not patra that any danger is to be,feared from the course I am ut to take The conduct of the Artillery, both in the batteries and the field has, throughout the campaign, been beyond praise, and I subjoin a list of Officers who have especially distinguished themselves.” I have already repaired the oversight by which I had omitted, till my last despatch, all mention of Carrain Maung, of the Artille , whose severe wound in the action of the 25th, has, for a time, deprived the army of one of its ablest and most energetic officers in this * Here follows the list given in the Gazette of the 12th inst., as promoted. orse to SuLLivaN of the 30th regiment, specially brought under my notice for his conduct in the action of the 26th, by GzweRat Sim pe Lacy Evans, | but omitted from my despatch forwarding the report of that distin- guished officer. I have reason to believe that the rank of the Service ‘to which Sergeant Soxiivan belongs would appreciate any favour | which can, consistently with propriety, be shown to that person, and that it might even prove of value in stimulating the private soldiers, who are by no means so insensible to the motives of hope and pride as by my previous experience, { had been led to anticipate. I believe that the recognition of the services of this rank of the Service might be carried further without disadvantage. If a certain number of com- missions were pl at my disposal to be given to highly distinguished non-commissioned officers, 1 venture to suggest that young men of a superior class, both in social standing and intelligence, might be attracted to the Service. The conduct of Private WuzaTLEy, in throwing an unexploded shell over the parapet of the battery in which he was stationed, has already received its reward—a gratuity of £5. But it has been suggested to me that there are some, even in the , who are more sensible to honour than to money. And if some reward of merit could be dis covered (akin to the French cross of the Legion of Honour) accessible Privates as well as Officers, there are not wanting pences who main- ‘tain that the distinction would be eagerly sought and highly prized by the common soldier, and that even rs would not shrink from | accepting it. I only submit this, however, with great deference, for your Grace’s consideration. VOL, XXVIII. Cc Cc | |

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250 PUNCH, ‘OR THE LONDON CHARTVART. bs waa of ped mg ren wi whieh i ‘the hhewvien,- oo the rsonal and peotenele ‘some day, I a will ‘be ’ and -eonvenience of * ‘Officers, ‘both + always be consulted. Meanwhile, would humbly revall to your grace'the ‘act ‘of self-devotion to which Assistant:Surezon Trompson of the 44th regiment ‘fell .a ‘sacrifice after the action of‘the Alma. That Officer (as — Grace may'perhaps rementber) voluriteered ‘to remain behind on the field, for the purpose of succouring the wounded Russians, aceompani by his servant, Parnrox Maerars. For ‘five days these ‘two, unaided, buried ‘the dead, comforted and relieved the wounded, braved'the dangers of marauding Cossacks, and all ivations ‘which circumstances mevitable, such as want of ‘food, fuel, medical stores, and shelter. ‘To ‘the hardships'then encowitered so nobly Dr. THomeson fell a victim, having been warried off by cholera soon after joining his at Balaklava. Ihave not inquired whether Dr. T° has left behind him relations or connections dependent upon him. Your Grace may'be able ‘to aseertain this: if he have, and the ‘rules of ‘the Service do not interpose any obstacle, I venture to suggest that some slight mark of your Graee’s a an act of heroism which:some:consider one of the most sublime ofthe many to which this campaign has given occasion, would neither be misplaced in relation to’the Service itself, nor begrudged ‘by the British Nation. ‘I would also ibeg'to recommend PaTRick Macrata for promotion, if ‘he be still alive. notice, and through your Grace under that of Hern Most Gracrovus Maszsty, and the try. I cannot ‘but deel, ‘however, that some furthur excuse may be required for so bold a departure from established goss J think apogee ty Be Mg op in the stimulus et ; ‘practice give to recrul 4 regular army ; secondly, in the-elles: that.» more habitual ‘of the services of ‘Regi ‘Officers .and Privates, may have im depriving the -Cor- ndents of :the daily newspapers of « plausible pleafor the minuteness of the ir communications. at The publicity given by these communications tothe:movements and arrangements of ‘the Allied Forces, is often dnconvenient. A fuller and freer official recognition of merit, nig .atom aheck the unofficial proclamation of it, and I cannot think, after the fdflest con- sideration I have been able to give the subject, that ‘the .efficiency of that portion of the army on whom fall the : img duties of the war would-be impaired, were more space giventin tie re | im-Chief’s tehes to their services, and less to'those of the Staff—_ though I. should mueh lament if the latter-shouldasot, on all occasions, be.most fully recogni pe, 1 can ‘never my oe that the best blood of is freely out:on the heights before Sebastopol, but : w that _plebei lood, not ‘less heroically shed, mingles with its stream:; and bly * submit that the names of those who, side by side, faee death-on the field,. may, without mdecency, stand associated in despatch. Waiting your Grace’s instructions on ‘the point above, It your Graee should consider that I am not imtroducing a dangerous T have the honour tobe, ws in ne po ape ay Pop -~ ‘Service — ~ Your Grace’s most dbeilient servant, s as'Lhave done in ‘this shall endeavour in future, an obtain information, through Divisional, Brigade, and Rogimental To His ‘Grace the Duke of Newcastle. ‘Bacay. cers, acts of conspicuous daring ‘or intelligence, willie, admirable has alread: : take the liberty of bringing them occasionally under ‘your \@race’s duced its fect. vestimatibartc stan sehr 423 fx Britannia, my Toads, is under circumstances of trial; circumstances | REMONSTRANCE WITH THE TOAD AND RAVEN. H! -yow are quite ight my dear Pond : wat you croak is ee peng Cer- ainly we have not been so successful in the war as we could wish. Sweaborg, in fulfilment of our antici- pations, should have sur- rendered when N arrer held 7 finger, and Cronstadt should have fallen -before ‘the flourish of his walking stick. The victories of Alma and Inkermann ouglit not to have ‘been gained, ‘because ‘the battles ought never to have been ‘fought. Menscuixorr and his army ought to have been ‘seized with a panic at the ‘sight of the red coats, and to have bolted as fast as ty they were able, leaving all their guns and ammunition behind them. The walls of Sebastopol, had they accomplished our hopes, would ‘have crumbled at the blast of the British bugles. Lorp Ragan would have kicked down -Fort ander ‘with ‘his foot, and Generat Canroser? would have blown up Fort Constan- tine with a puff of a —. No doubt we are much disappointed by the fact that the flags of the Allies are not at this moment flying over St. Petersburg, and that the Czar, having been obliged to eat dirt and abdicate, is not now'residing at the Star and Garter. That our desires in these particulars have not been gratified is very vexatious. _ However, suppose the Russians had razed an immense fortification, in course of construction at John O’Groats; that they had burnt a vast quantity of pitch and tar accumulated on our northern coasts; that they had swept our flog from the ‘seas, and shut up our fleets in our harbours; that they captured no‘end of our merchant vessels ; that they had effected a descent, in large foree, on Malta, and were maintaining their ‘position there, besieging Valetta, having done an immense deal of mischief to the place, and ‘being certain to take it unless we put forth the whole might of the Empire, and very like indeed to take it in spite of that. 8 they had already thrashe' us han ely on our own territories, with enormous slaughter, in two pitched battles, wherein every extraneous advan i a « 1 ; tage ‘was on our side, and in one of which our numbers exceeded ‘theirs in the ratio of five to one. In short, suppose we c d places with Russia: should we like our position better then than we do now, or would our opinion of ourselves partake more decidedly of the nature of small beer? And requiring an ‘effort, my Ravens. But may we not venture ‘to say, on the whole, that Britarmia—in her present interesting ‘condition—is as well as can ‘be expected ? A GREAT MAN. Lorp Dersy has called Niononas ‘a Ey man.” Still, aigreat man; although misusing his resources. ell, he isa great in the ike:sense that. Motoce was.a great idol. Dagon, too was great idol : :and:yet, tumbling flat upon his fish face, ‘he had his ‘head and hands dissevered. The “elephant is a great lord,” chants the Hottentot.in his respect for the dead brute when, ‘reverently ie ont ing the carcase, the savage cuts off the — lord’s ‘trunk. The ‘bear isagreat bear; for which reason let us do:our best and speediest, if not to knock ‘him ‘on the ‘head, at least to «cut—even ‘to the roots—his carnivorous claws. A Bible Hero. ‘ ‘Mr. Bricur has discovered in Nicnoxas ‘a great patron of the Bible! At the Rechdale Auxiliary Bible Revie, See ific member for Manchester was very much hurt ‘that the Ruv. Huen Stowsn1 had spoken somewhat irreverently of the Emperor or Russta: it was too bad. Consider the pious sacrifices of Nicuoiss! Why, ‘he had remitted the duty upon Bibles imported into Russia to the ‘amount of between £300 and £400; -and shouldbe spoken of respectfully as a subscriber to that amount. e Tattoo £ s..d. upon the body of Satan, and there is a man indrab breeches who will drop down upon his knees before shim ! Shells that Won't Shell Out. (Compuarnts have reached our ears that the Shells in ‘the'Crimea ‘are not up'tothe mark, or at all events, when ~~ te get up tothe mark at which they are aimed, they do ‘very little age. It is said ‘that when they reach the ground, they won't explode, and ‘that when ‘once discharged they appear as if released ‘from ‘service. Tt is'rather unfortunate that the shells should be:maéeof such strong materials that they will not break, astate of things that must be equally:credi- table'to the:manufavturer and satisfactory ‘to the enemy. Better for Mixing. ” Mr. Stoney Henperr believes that in our allied battles—“-while we shall be acquiring the dash of the French, ‘the French ‘will ‘be ‘ac- quinn the firmness ofthe English.” The Right Hon. Secretary might as well have said—“ While we shall be acquiring the feathers of eagle, the French willbe oe bones of ‘the lion.” Can men change their nationalities by rubbing coats together? In ‘such way, can red make blue, and blue red? But these Right Hon. Secretaries would you croak less or more ? are privileged ‘to talk unlike philosophers.

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PUNCH, OR. THE, LONDON, CHAREVARL. 261 hich not been hitherto supplied THE WAR PUFFS. pce. Poa at mela gh ig, table ineotemenele these ies, besides: imparti to the b EVERAL tradesmem have,, ail Sal tele inpintne fon ofa the Govemnent re » Otherwise, In ar’ supply 0 of the Crimes. bean voting lat Gone fs hy, 2B. Bik, cae be cae ee the ee ton their wares om mone or) 2594, Holborm, Deo. 1854. ’ Maysve anp Son.” less fayouralile tenms in. the | , 2S The Qpamrannvcorotion isthe only acknowledged preservative Crimea. We on wilt. of the: teeth andi gums.. tnepimeLnntresta | & BLESSING TO THE NERVOUS. to: the great ma-| _“ Rusezeren P uxcu—A Clergyman of Oxford University having ionitey of-bhase who, have | discovered! a. oa which he has curedi himself of a nervous come forward on. the: or mental from benevolence rather than gain to cure present ceeasion, but; others nowim tlie Crimea. Dineetions will be given and medicines non Soe Riles have: gy ag Lae ommend anaes means | inte our ce) which the: bravest are sometimes ic lh Benen | —— or ad aren tie head: threatening deranger ent of for Tiimas;, were: camsequence of failure, are effectual jected by. oun pact aw hams specific, for which application shoul than =" “Dz. Miniis Wozenn” te calidad gratuitous| “Dee: 1854. Sh Giles Sinsek, Bloomsbury.” adventisementss. Weibel afer eli hiaiuatend epetinen : = “PS: Bhevey Cuarrers on Nusyous: and: Mena ComPLaINTs are published. at Ds. Minnis: Wozeney’s: Residenee,” “Miz. ~ hice ut the home wau;, OF lla pine wi will NO WOODEN LEGS WANED. pralbatily b sweets: aff ome, an therefore, to!’ « Puyo —Te iedignay and omntngn faved A te state that our firm: is: willing to ee ee ead teen ct our’ - f medicines Tnarion Tallrlt your disposal for the troops: im the: Chimen.. Our Toff po Mee pj . andl mene te is packed: im qunew papens: for the: convenience af tiie publia, to: whom)?” 8 en of the ne, ad a opal ta}: eae ea moments. ane: seuttied! by some of our superior sweettetméf. {pall nme th ene of oe a tens 8 “Your aliedient servants, ‘Whateran meg be infallibly cured, I should Seas unworthy: the. = “ Lower sawp.Co2” | “Zampl Bar;, Dee. 1854. Prorzsson. Guitoway.” “PS, It be: as well! to: state that: fér the Cure of CURARS: FOR THE: CRIMEA cay chee ean Frere somgy bar mo “Messrs. Suaprack, Brothers; present: their compliments to the| reeeived from tlie Kann or Editor, and having t,, E possess: a aay AnpBoROUGH. just received a large consignment we real Havannahs of a superior description, now selling at their London: sho at 3d.| The above specimens of patriotism which eile not itself, will a-piece—(a reduction on taking a quantity)—are prepared to p. fo one pene nee: = ~~ = y add, that if the soldiers of Lorp Raciay’s pound of those bag ot in the hands: of Lory Racxian for- distribution: atm: most ‘ici rations, Ds Sagat will be most distinguished of his. brother officers. In order to|h py to give “yo ists of his delicious Revalenta Arabica: and, in among celebrate the glory of the achievements of our brave army in the East, | order that all may be enabled to masticate it, Mr. ace the Dentist, Messrs, SHADRACK, Brothers, prepose to. give the article above is ready to supply. them plentifully, om the,same tarms,, with an Entirely mentioned the name of the RaGLan Cigar, and those of the public who | New Description of Teeth. may wish to show same cigars, may be furnished with them at the price above mentioned SHADRACK, Massnha. motive of ostentatious. generosity, but simply from a ill be a whic their-sympathy with our brave army by smoking: the have: not. taken this course from -~ 4 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS IN KNIGHTSBRIDGE.. induces them to think that the smoke of their cigars will be an, agrae-- able mitigation of the. horrors of the smoke of the enemy.” ys sil benevolently, _ cinenlation. to the subjoined, that ori- y. appeared in the T. PAUL'S, KNIGHTSBRIDGE.—WANTED, after Christmas, FRESERWES FOR THE ARMY. 8C HOOL MISTRESS, for the Infant School, Address the Hom, on pal lerooe, the Bast, fuk it i tho duty of seal to de bis manent paloma Trees im e 10 18 6 au or eae 0 and I for-one am willing to make my share of the sacrifice. The-candidate, it is said, will be expected satisfactorily to answer e the following: questions::— Much will depend on tlie provisions: within es r and it is clear! that nutritious artieles, such as) potted soups, and je ies, in which —| _ “Cam you teach. girls to make: artificial: flowers for tlie: feast) of er deal, would be very acceptable. Hoping that my o by others, T am (usually sold at a per pot, which will give me aboub.one fourth the usual profit on my | * Are capital invested. As most of m Sf money is locked up.in gallipots, te, L on the election ¢ low chureh cannot pretend to I have mentioned. “T would offer Hams, of whieh I have be followed St, Barnabas and other feasts ? up six dozen of my potted’ beef, “Can you instruct girls in_chanting: and “intoning ;” the said’ in- illing, fteen toning to sound as through a Roman: nose? ——— worth ns, Sega you & a of rests sh cage, and eggs not fresh; im order: that, ens, ee eee se oe owest price, and the best. pro cause on renip Teng mae the way | “ Give the recipe of a cake for High Teas as held in Belgravia.” at a little above cost price, some few West halia | received a.large consignment in a y | offer cash, but sabisinetory state, but I fear that the public demand for them at Eaiiniteninel Warties. und would exhaust stoek before. a ment sold | he effketed. y Jams I do:no ~ = be damaged: in. the transit; shall there them. at, nimepence per pet te.the publi im general. ‘Ministers are wrong if they imagine the: War mpeaee pa send as I think they might ' that is in the Crimea b bees We doubt if Sebastopol fore: continue: to: retail; is to my uced b homozopathie doses. 4 Lorp Aenneanet ie pre- | scriptions: would; dou Biles, be “ a billiontlr of'a grain of gunpowder, = “Yours, and’ my Countiy’s, a quintillionth of the infusion of lead. ‘The latter to: be worked u) pp » |a pill, of the size of 7 small bullet. aan two to be well oan JoserH JELLYBOY. ‘ere, to the he Walle. of Sebastopol three tithes'adaye’” We can only TOOTH-POWDER FOR THE ALLIES. ene Realy et, ee: oh ene, nothing: like the the eight of Se bel ; and, im a desperate: case like the. present, the the necessities. of ble = Borg? ; the the ill the i Soveioncn wee ee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. AN TNA yo UM =. bs \Hi\) ly, VW THE THEATRE OF WAR. A PRIVATE BOX FOR ENGLAND'S DEAR BOYS BEFORE SEBASTOPOL ! ° . { ‘ . os M . \ AW \\y \\) = ns Xo WY \" Kr, N Cs Sean \ * Y Leg 3 AMIN ere — awe THE GREAT DEBATE NUISANCE. WE confess we did not like the aspect of the Zimes on the morning after the assembling of Parliament. It is bad enough for the country to be at war with Russia, but it is an aggravation of the evil to find an attack made upon our patience by thitty-nine columns drawn up in close order before us, at our very breakfast table. Finding it hopeless to stand against such’ an overwhelming display of heavy and misty material, such a massive charge of lead and smoke, we retired at once under the shelter of a light column of advertisements. We must y request Lorp Patmerston to show bis impartiality just as he would deal with any other factory; and thus he might put | an end to the noxious trade of speech-making. We can assure his Lordship, that with so much Parliamentary smoke before us at our breakfast, we always suffer from the vapours. We do not see an pom difficulty to be overcome in this case, for surely, when we fiu onourable members sometimes ready to eat their own words, they would not hesitate to consume their own smoke, or in some way get rid of the disagreeable result of their own speeches. The Scotch Sunday Cab. Tue following touching incident is narrated in the Caledonian | Mercury :— “ While a cab was conveying an infirm lady to church yesterday morning the driver was heartily hissed by a number of passengers in one of the leading thoroughfares of the new town.” | _ An infirm woman on her way to church Aissed/ Oh, Scotch piety ! is not thy symbol a goose ? WOMEN AT THE ELECTRIC TELEGRAPH. Ir is found that women make the best clerks for the Electric Tele- | graph. Very rarely, indeed, are they at fault. The only difficulty is, | to prevent each young lady at either end of the line from having the | last word. by calling on the Houses of Parliament to consume their own smoke, | 4 A POCKET LAVATER. In the account of a sanguinary miscreant given by a contemporary, we are informed that— “ The desperate character of the assassin may be gathered from the following list of articles found upon him:—A pair of pistols (the barrels about six inches long), 24 cartridges, some percussion caps, a dagger, having a blade nine inches in length, 8}d. in money, and a corkscrew.” The first four of the above items, certainly, indicate that the gentle- man on whose pence they were found was a of some determi- nation. That his character was of a desperate nature is strongly suggested by the pistols, the cartridges, the percussion caps, and t agger. But it does not appear quite so plainly that his desperate character could in any measure be gathered from his possession of eightpence-halfpenny in money, unless it could’ be” proved that the sum Me had in his pocket was all he had in the world. The cork- screw would rather intimate that this was not the case: as it is an implement which*a person only worth eightpence-halfpenny would be likely to have no occasion for. Perhaps, however, the preachers of total abstinence will consider that anybody must be in a state who carries a corkscrew. Blood of the Grape. Iw a sick soldier’s letter from Seutari, he writes—that he has had, among other comforts, “‘a gill of port wine every day, which has some- what pulled me up, after the quantity of blood I left at Balaklava.” We understand that the Temperance people! are about to assemble at Exeter Hall; calling the attention of the Government to the fact; and further expressing their confidence in the Ministry, so as soldiers being debarred of wine, the war shall be carried on at home through the usual pump. DIVISION OF LABOUR. Tr is calculated that if every well-to-do lady would subscribe one flannel shirt for the men wiutering in the make and the men will, on their part, be able to make a capital shift.

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GY, Y ALLEL { - LL LELALSS Gjiiiie Z é St * 4y,¥ Vij rs 4 KY; Ye se ae ogee Uff 4 A Y YY

WY Ll — <a \f GE Ml} , Z [77 « MY sit sd VEG SLYLLLL ““Uyygs | RASA | | : s dni i Vf MDs,

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. “WEEL, I’M JUST REMANDED TILL NEXT SESSIONS.” Y “1 WA Yj yy Via o7/y//" { », Tf #D Se OE he a a, i/ a 77 DecemBer 23, 1854.)

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 255 TT eee the great black hey coward, the ‘great liar, th ¢ nin- THE CHARACTER OF MENSCHIKOFF | compoon, that Sepia hetles's for os cane” to_be, ke onidedly desare a large share of the kicks he is (Gailging of him trom the absurd way in which he goes on at Astley’s.) 20 Libewel i distributing to others, ‘ W appearance — Short, but wonderful | THE MODEL BAL MASQUE. cotked-hat that he} » sieailn itis ble leah the better pete od nm an en0t bay oralpenwel as socially, the annual Bal ¢ Brary Laue, came feathers ‘that shoots | ‘the auspices of M. JULLIEN, this year, with ‘all its‘oustomary up ‘to some height, | Te motived sora aes of Amid the merry, but decorous throng, | and then falls in| We families of professional gentlemen es | green spray upon his stelle ae ai ‘higher rank; and many men, — shoulders, makes the | at & itress ‘bail: — —s hess Prince appear much ‘usually ihesedier: pes aL poy » OF | gy Se re really | workmanship, tinevins: one amen is. His coat is ‘of a giclee he oe ag rather light malachite colour, \umapttetinat — , ies wens wer, wh E were re and with proper mili- | tary ‘precaution it is | pts op Ty bl, i bniftoned close up to Sonditie a and ee tare "nko probally rtp fowiag his throat, Menscui- oy kivwing very |i | clengincaean he repository of 2 Hebrew imattetitive well that 9 Generate es "men wore plain black suits and white ties: and first dut t bene - xed 8 wal Ne) frome “This thong those youths, thanks 9 the early closing movement, may =~ > been eas =o ropottion evident] ee ee were of the ee ae not @ ow yo bslaned rom actually balanced with a poit of slittering epaulettes, as yellow anil almost as prigataror among the speators. ee ‘A Bishop occupied a Hig Tirteges, vod witch ‘kang cn ek +—" of him like the)" Some of the characters were very dovetly sustained, and lively, yet paniers thrown over a-donkey’s | His mee — age polished repartee, atvendedl aellh Ge Sovee Weiieean a with sag ible order, and these diamonds, stops ‘and ‘notes of ad-| 54. the order of nag Nig ase aeaeg ne of the assembly was miration follow one another in a straight line in regular succession, | that of ease, and coty 5 th Ny Bis Ce Long zow of balls we wena 88 -house, when, by accident, expression of amiability and ook peopl Ls Rs valbeclcmonts wore of we go’down into the kitchen. He wears j boots ‘worthy of a French Postilion and has long buff-gloves that reach nearly up to his elbow, _ . = oer end. in —— aa and decorations. and which he is continually pulling back, as though he were afraid ‘that, like the Russian soldiers, they were going every minute to run away. aft urbanity avnetenemediaie se Ra and moderate supper, The manner of Pxmnce Menscuikorr, we regret to say, is not much ity ye nity thet on opportunity of onbyng this de delightful a and d unob- more ed than his appearance. He storms, raves, blusters, and jedticnable cpeciae of of exitertainment is not sare 4 frequent] throws his arms and legs about as absurdly as the Uncle just arrived young men, {desirous of combining an evening’s ratio from Tada ai in one of the fine old English comedies. He is most | yj quaveies liberal too, with his stamps, counting you out at least a shilling’s- p foe life. he graces, and in the couresies and worth at atime. In fact, it must be confessed that the General gives —— way to passion worse than any spoilt child. He shouts so loud that ; we W ihould be wery sorry to be his next door neighbour, and his A CHRISTMAS CAROL FOR THE CRIMEA. behaviour bo the “ergy ay is so brutal, that we wonder he ever can one to sto him. Sr. Viapm have pity on the poor fellow w © Onrvater of i ee ! ye lion-hearted m has to toe oth off his’ borit am the Prince happens to bein a pcan ee ge =pom heights above the Russian Robber’s den, which, cs the ‘hy, seems to happen pretty nearly wll the time. His ¥ ul merry ‘Christmas, a glorious one at least, favourite Teng of impressing an order on the understanding of any one ou ‘ll spend while on those eold ‘bleak hills you hold your ‘slender is by kicking him—a kick when the order is given, amd another kick ; when the order «is ‘brought back executed. Tt is Menscurxorr’s| ‘But nota man ey you can more heartily desire customary method ‘of salutation: instead of taking his cocked hat! Here with his friends that he could be beside ‘a blazing fire, to any one, he kicks him. Than we do, safe at home, who eat-our Limon = | and our beef - His humour is not considerable, but it is very jar. It* consists br peste yo you, and such as you brave fellows and your chief. eeacipally 5 in saying “Pooh! Pooh!” ‘to everything that is uttered, and tho ugh the extreme facetiousness of this t saying loses — on constant repetition, still it comes in with great S Officers of Distinction. such as, for ‘instance, when he is contradicting a , OF etna Ah e troops. Wispom at Heal Quarters ‘has decorated our Officers with a Another phase of his humour lies in giving utterance to statements letavaieiy pecorti ‘uniform and plumes ‘of ‘white feathers. This a of the most Siberian coolness, and advancing them as ‘traths. ‘Thus, a Theeefo purpose very ‘well ‘by ton Hi hs 1 it is * no use at defeat is always paraded as a victory, and a drummer, who is taken | ereore, i aa ay lary ES on ould is instantly magnified into a Field-Marshal. Tens become | hed be et cer ‘should ‘wear ® Pundred hundreds soon grow into thousands, and the loss of a picquet | ligh en on the beat Fis his eae og and peta ge bull’s- is equivalent 9 with him to med ter of an eatire aemy—of course, | CY eye on the = ios wg} by bility to hit ithe mp BL when the loss is on his own side. ropensities, however, are ve cnenny deta | diverting, and in a country where all, Ml, fo rom the EmPrror downwards if send a shot through the = . irath whist mtv —s the one —_ ecaes up for the een ak one ‘else Was Would ce appear ‘vi sin- Charley's , Dartis a ade +r pat dn. i | Sm Cuanres Same’ his se ie a to ‘the electors of However, the worst point in-Mr. erent mpeg A s character is his in- TR in| veers cowattien Youd do expect bravery in a Commanding General, Marylebone, taki piaigs Dg sage arta tbe bs knife with Russia.” | and we always thought Menscarkorr wan brave, but it is mo such thing. It is all very well for * to ‘ar te the | | He ye only" D trove Belge in his bravery. The sound of camon, to Kuile,’ rjustaa'he is about to "out | ae ee ee page Baek ged off ‘worse than any closet of were? sight of an English or French uniform makes him vanish tes a speed Fils HS 2 VES See | that is highly comical. If he hears the enemy is coming one way, he; Nuvety tons of shipped for Prussia, have a ‘stopped, to | runs instantly in the opposite direction, and the only wonder is that Ky dismay of his ise cont as contraband of war. Sages ARE speaks | hevemains in the Crimea at:all. Future co commentators (the 2000 ia ged 40 We can = say, that if PRINCE Menscuikorr is the great simpleton, | hanything) may be iat Pig-lead King.”

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CHARIVARI. v = = => | =A AT | THE ARTIST CROSSING SWEEPER. ' Tes. Ariat Coming. Sn continues to attend at his studio opposite St. James’s Palace ; but we regret that the patronage of the cognoscenti is not as yet commensurate with the results of genius. He is, however, beginning to be recognised by “the profession,” and we saw him the other day surrounded by a small party of brothers of the brush—or m—who were **the anchor,” (which he had Gonpicien in a reli thick mud) with intense interest. e trust that the youthful genius, who has been the first to apply the arts to the ordinary street refuse, will soon attract the eye of some friend to talen who will take it by the hand, and drag it out of the dirt a the first convenient o i directs the birchbroom might be applied with success to the pencil, and though we do not mean to claim for our young protégé the future of a JosHua Reyno.ps, we feel that the actual condition of a Jack Rag is hardly worthy of his merits. His favourite design at present is the anchor —the emblem of Hope—which we trust is not destined to be dashed by the rude waves of adversity, or the chilling winds of neglect which are perhaps less endurable. “ Now, DON’T you ’URRY THE HANDANTY (AwpsyrTs&) THIS TIME, YOUNG FELLER !” A Task for the Enemy. From the enormous length of most of the speeches on the Address, it appears that Parliament means to go on talking this Session as heretofore. At the present time, the length of Parliamentary speeches may om be excused, on the ground that not only are their hearers and readers bored by them, but the Emperor or Russia, also, has the trouble of reading pe ey It is sincerely to be ho that every debate will sicken him, and give him a h pportunity. , We cannot help thinking that the same taste which |. THE WESTMINSTER REPRESENTATION, WueEn we say that Westminster may be ets complimented on the excellence of its representation, it will be found that we intend to pay no ccmpliment to its present representatives in Parliament. The representation to which we allude has not been ensured by the electors of Westminster, but by the “elections” of Westminster School, where the Hunuchus of Terence has been lately represented in a very able and efficient manner. The Zunuchus has been generally described as a comedy, but we think it may be classified, with greater fitness, under the category of broad—exceedingly broad—farce. Its breadth is indeed far more noticeable than its depth, for the plot is of the shallowest, and the only deepness we can find, is that of the scampish man-about-town, Gnatho, upon whom the weight of what is called the “comic business » prin- cipally devolves. e say emphatically “weight,” for the levities of the part are not a little ponderous, and rather lead us to suspect that the ancient Roman audience had but feeble powers of appreciating a joke. Viewed indeed as a dramatic composition, we cannot understand by what process of vitality the Zunuchus should have not only survived its night of first production, but have maintained its existence through near a score of centuries to “be received with applause” in this enlightened nineteenth. The plot is indescribable (at least in these pages) aud were it not for the life which the youthful actors somehow manage to throw into them, half the jokes which enliven it would, we fancy, fall as dead as the language in which they are written. In short, there is no principle, and but little interest : and the only really striking situation in the piece, is that where Parmeno gets his ears boxed. Nevertheless, its intrinsic merits notwithstanding, the play has been revived at Westminster with complete success. And perhaps it is lucky for us that we possess a Lorp CuaMBERLAIN, for such is the fashion just now for translating anything that has been anywhere successful, that we should probably soon be having the Hunuchus “adapted from the Latin,” but inasmuch as it would puzzle the cleverest “old Westminster ”ito translate the Hunuchus, so that decent ears might listen to it, we think we may rest satisfied that its soporific witticisms will be confined, appropriately, to the dormitory at West- minster, where their production once a twelvemonth, for a season of three nights cannot, certainly, do much harm, and may tend in some degree to the prevention of that puerile dulness which “all work and no Play ” is proverbial to ensure. Icworance (Coalheaver reading th t ion).—Vot’ ‘mat ae ver reading the newspaper to companion).—Vot’s iLL? Is it a war-orse ? TWIN KNIGHTS OF THE BATH. GenERaL CanroBeRT is made Knight of the Bath with companion-in-arms Lorp Racuan. Her Maszsry binds the two heroes together with the same blue riband: the same bit, for both are cut, as we are assu from the same piece, Of a marvellous texture is this same riband. “The worms were hallow’d that did breed the silk.” Worms fed on French '|\, mulberry leaves: and ! the raw silk imported to Coventry. “ And it is dy’d in mummy, which BELLona Conserved of heroes’ hearts.” No less true is it, that ‘ a couple of centuries ago, while France and England were cutting each other’s throats— “ A sibyl that had numbered in the world, The sun to course two hundred com; In her prophetic fury wove the work.” And now it binds Canropert and Racian; and Napoxgon atid Netson as they wander through the shades—Nar’s arm affectionatel — Netson’s shoulder—laugh and talk about this blue ri iance. We are heartily glad that this grace has been done to our ft ally. We hardly know what compliments we are next to interchange ; unless, indeed, it be thus. When Sebastopol shall have fallen, and when the war shall have ended, we propose as a consummation. that CanRoBERT be made an English duke, and Raetan a French prince. The Duke of Windsor—and the Prince de St. Cloud! A Most Desrraste Investment.—The Investment of Sebastopol by the Allies.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 257 ret ie Ainectos COE Nate Wien’ Belier agtah. Adjust a THE GHOST OF COBBETT TO THE EARL OF _ subject! Quzsrions, you meant, I presume. ABERDEEN. “<«T trust that other matters [mean, again,] of great nrreREst and importance to THE general welfare will not pot wpe he J “* AnumpgEn,—Just look hi © Interest general welfare ot entire , will you ? *y have bossa stone disapprove 2 eater ive end an al Te Ay ws ing your Speech. When T the hasta, ay shudder to flog an Old say your Speech, | NR ed gee al sentence ought to ensure to a that which you concocted, !tgdof would wdbegeunaear ‘House of Lords Hi | d which C to Ce bay Rd ea sheen 3 3 “e - y} : Now, gon lo not, with your impn —_ ni

Bat a eal Tn at, = that she might read i fault. I the Lords, Commons, ae =m? Inst paragraph in Pov Speech is very eer Women, and Reporters, | and I believe that Bry wrote it. Tuesday last. The! Periioment ‘example of ted Ey ent on esda: as : ibi i VEEN, of course, hnd m0 ligut dot tho alerer scbdicty: wich implies (a tis) that Parliament thing to do with the com- the people. The last sentence is clumsy, ‘ thus?

position, and rai gt tes you, the ‘érust’ having no connection. But ‘the sexttiment is unex- with your nationa . ote the dence, -will accuse mead

: “Eiety one you will exhibit | dis ct to her, you know ‘WT Feel ot aa SS wt of ’ tf mean nothing of, nao, “an nay oandinay ae “Gf GoD we shall bring the war toa suecessful wy kind. Iam writing to| torminesion y and about you, Old! “Ttrast that we shall. But we:shall not, while the country tolerates ih cigs Sages | you as Prime Minister. agg ae a 4 never had so good | “T remain, ABERDEEX, ~- mantibiiein,» in whic ‘i ro} “ Ls” ‘ ‘ ” s as in i” a3 pov pt Sethe Bank: “Wroo1am Copserr'’s Guost. , said in a strong mammner.

You might lve ‘blown ‘a trampet, and have set English blood in a flame with the music. You have preferred | to squeak upon a penny THE SONG OF THE CRESCENT. whistle, and to squeak out of ‘tune. Speech is the very worst et ever was delivered. However, I ae confine myself to a notice To the cbtdordedl Dune of “ Au Oluir deta Dune” of i grammar. F “Yon cannot get through the first line without ‘Scotch mull.} "Uaiel eon la ae —— Me Avanoa By “*Thave called you'together at this UNUSUAL period of the year.’ ‘Le Czar sa plume ; EF pe sur le “Tune ” “What do ‘you ‘mean by that, ech? Why is'the period of the year Pour écrire un mot. "De ¢ God Save the Queen. unusual? {sit unusual to have winter, or to have December, or to “La Tarquie est morte, Et la France apporte have a twelfth of December? The period is not unusual. What I Ou _n’en faut que peu, Aussi son. secours, suppose ~— — was, that it is unusual for Parliament to meet in A moi donc la Porte, Pour sauver la Porte 4 could you not say so? Why not have written, Protégé de Dieu.” ; De ce vieux Pandour. ; ba (sosap - — a er ers Au clair de ia Lune, Au clair de la Lune. Pay f a ay Fo Répond la Turquie : On n’avance que peu, we pes Pg wathon om 1y\° “de me moque de ta plume, Mais déja la plume your assistance I.may take such measures’ [With — assistance] ‘ as will Et de toi aussi. A fai it place au feu. enable me to proseoute thé great war in.which we are engaged with the titmost vigour.’ Deux braves voisines Env battant ‘de la anette We are wot engaged in the war with the utmost vigour. What A mai cout unies, Jew enis ¢ qui arrivera, you mean is, that you want measures by means of which the war De toutes rapines Mais quant a a la Porte, may be secuted with the utmost vigour, not that you do, but you Jurées ennemics” Czar tu n’ es pas Ia. | wished doz UEEN VICTORIA to say that you{do. Then: why not write L’Amt Prerrot down for her what you meant ? OAT pam es. ) “ ¢ J eannot doubt that you share icti the ity i fort to augment my forces now engaged é in the Orimea. * oan The Question Why 2 Go they do it? | “This is not ungrammatical, buta weaker, ‘sloppier phrase for the mean allowance description of a strong act was never devised. .But you cannot long sited with the Jone ear inenting nt — tt oa adhere even to such English as that. lof ‘Tragedies, is at " lows to rr for the strange infrmity. He

“\t The exertions THEY have made’ [mean writing—why not have ) said, which my Prd ae ah pons pe a found year after page of Rory 2?) ‘ and the victories they have are not in the brightest year to do i when thoy they might $0 igh ca avon fr —~k st a 4 — ‘Ow can exertions and victories be excecded in'pages? THxerfions a — oF ea

yh er jar mad fe) art ona arp, Hono 38 ‘sheer slips whic! s them ‘together ‘as i : things of the same nature. What you meant, was, that ‘ ‘the brightest & Gront Man in tis Own Way. jas pl (Minerva Press) ‘ of rt eek record nothing exceeding im merit’ .A Nowtz Lord considers that the Czar i is a great ane, haat af but going in glory the exertions,’ &e. sun voleaie a Certainly, Ty nee. is Pega + “we ‘was us In JONATHAN ILD THE —— | ois Hnebamip, bey-h armen scqyeretion of the’brave troops of my ally, the Eurxnor or he is xe a‘wrong diretion, is posse ag ab dou al there is - | “Co-operation with eon or what? ‘Do you mean that the troops question he is going own Hlace, ome everybody's i | ¢o-operated with each other? ‘Of course th did, but you do wo¢ question is, where can he expect to go to | mean that. But you do not say with whom they co-operated. Why | not have said that they co-operated with ‘my forces?’ Because | FLANNEL FOR ‘THE CRIMEA. | you write like a Lord, that is to say, abominably. | “But this co-operation with nobody R aa Sans jropanel tena tees 160 a oF mn dlegunt batch | “* Cannot fail to cement atil!_-more ——- [than what?] ‘ the union which happily ~ pret ae wight. Such bricks.make. wy deel glorious firesides. | subsists between the two countries’ [what two ?]} | “ Slipslop, again! Do you know what cement is? Or do you know | jargon. How can more cement be used after a union? My brick- Awerwr the lame displ of Me, Growet Hansunr the ute d af y bric display bee ve

discustion have been adjusted.’ | of Parliamentary discussion. what @ wrion is? A union means ‘an accomplished fact, to use Gallican A Very bad Cause. | layer’s apprentice could teach you better. on behalf of his chief, the cause‘of orp “<Thave also concluded a treaty with Amerien, by which svBsECTS of Tony ami difleutt snilies demand sihiah Sxucten tdli-ear sulla: fount }

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. Wy TH 2d Do. “ Wor’s THaT?” lst Do. (emphatically). “THE BisHop!” PIN HER!” “yy 44), Y ANOTHER BIT FROM THE MINING DISTRICTS. 1st Collier.. ‘SURREY, DUST THEE KNOW THE BIsHOP’S COMING TO-MORROW?” 2d Do. “Ot DON’T KNOW WHAT THEE MEAN’ST, BUT MOY BitcH, ROSE, SHALL KING FRITZ. (DEDICATED TO M. CLICQUOT.) Kine Fritz is a poor old fellow, He sits where the beakers shine, And he raises his hand—so mellow | “That he'spills half the Cricqvot wine. ? Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah! for the Cuicquor wine ! For the Curcquor wine, The Scholar forgets all his learning, The Sovereign his People’s woes : And the bloom of the grog is burning | Like fire in his ruby nose. = , Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah! for the Cricquor wine ! For the Cuicquot wine. There lies he, what drink has made him, His eyes have forgot to shine : He calls, where his cups have laid him, For a draught more of Ciicquot wine. Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah! for the Curcguor wine! For the Cricquot wine. ** Oh, come to a poor old fellow !” He shrieks, whilst his eyes run brine, ' * Anraise him an’ lesgetmellow Wizh a draughmore o’ Ciicguor wine. Hooshaw ! hooshaw ! hooshaw for zhe CuisHQuor wine ! For zhe CricquosH wine !” “THE BRIGHT POKER.” Mr. Bricut’s Russian letter will, after all, it is said, do good ; inasmuch as it has stirred up.the manly hearts of Manchester to the work of patriotism and charity. More money, it is expected, will in the’end be obtained, by virtue of the Muscovite missive. What says GotHE—we believe a favourite author of Mr. Bricut’s P— c : “ The adversaries of a good cause are like men who strike at the coals of a large fire. They scatter the coals, and propagate the fire.” After this manner may the member’ for Manchester, by Neng at the fund, prove himself no other than a—Bright oxker, y ; 4 A Prize Ciry— WHEN THEY GET IT. — MENSCHIKOFF has promised his troops, that if he once gets Constantinople, he will instantly deliver it up to Cossac and rapine. ‘THE LIFE PRESERVER. Sm Joun. Manpevi1e tells us of. divers isles in the Perilous Valley that is a part of the golden cloud-land of Prester Joun. Now beyond this vale is a great isle inhabited by giants. And these giants have been seen to.board-ships, taking men out of them and bringing them to land, “ two in one: hand, and two in the other, eating them going, all raw and alive.” Even as men would peel the pulpy flesh of a new fig., Men built of mere flesh and blood, the mortar unmixed with auy grain of fancy, may shake the head at this story. We believe it to the letter: we cannot but do so; for every week here, in the Perilous Valley of London, the fog-and-smoke-land of Presbyter Victoria, do we not see men—giants of Mammon—eating other men ; holding them in either hand, as they would hold a bunch of radishes, and munching them raw and alive as they would munch and swallow —— vegetable ? Did anybody ever hear of the Life Preserver insurance office? One Fiicut is the beneficent —— thereof; and at the present hour benevolently insures the lives of borrowers. Very precious must be their lives, seeing what they pay for them. It was proved last week in court that Fiient (in the case of ALLEN, the recalcitrant defendant)— “Usually charged 10 per cent. per annum for loans, and then there was a policy [in the Life Preserver Office], which he retained possession of as security. He had had many’ t with the defendant, and on the 9th of July, 1853, the defendant applied to him for an advance of money, and according to witness’s ledger the trans- action was as follows :—The defendant gave him a bi!l for £100, for which he received a cheque for £84 9s. 6d., a receipt for the second year’s premium on policy, No. 770, and witness charged him two guineas and a half for discount, after the rate of 10 per cent. A further condition was that he should purchase two Polberro mining shares at the price of 26 guineas each.” The Polberro is supposed to be a mine of virgin gold; the mine a up to the present time! A hard-hearted jury con- founded the plaintiff, by finding a verdict for the defendant. Reader, drop a tear for Mr. Fricut ! We cannot, however, dismiss the matter without offering our mite of admiration to the ‘genius that thought of the “Life Preserver,” as the name of an’ insurance Office.’ Curiosa felicitas! But we have no doubt that as with every other genius, I'ticut will have a list of’ imi- tators. After the Life Preserver, will inevitably come the Garrotte— the Revolver—the Bowie Knife—and the Hocus, , A REWARD.—FRANCIS ROBERT BERTOLACCI. .._.° Wuertas, one Francis Rosert Bexroxacct lias declared himself the Auditor of the’ Duchy of Lancaster, Mr. Punch will bestow upom any one giving in fair round hand an answer to the following questions, | pr fopy = - Almanack for 1855, printed on best parchment in letters of effulgen (| Who is yc1s Rosert Bertotacct —What is the size of his. | feet since they have got into J. C. Lockuart’s shoes P—How did he | acquire the name of Bertotacct! Is it of Italian growth; or a | vegetable of the Heralds’ Office? By what means did the aforesaid | BeRtoiacct endear himself to the loaf-and-fish-giving minister? Was | it by mere merit? Or was it by spell or incantation? If by the latter, | will Francis Ropert Bertouacci state the terms (private and con- fidential) of the secret ? All communications must be forwarded to Mr. Punch’s office before New Year’s Day. | A Good Thing by W. B. | A Fiovrisu of trumpets—of silver trumpets, too; not brass—for | Masor Beresrorb. He. has moved for a bill to relieve effects of | officers killed in the Crimea from the suecession duty. Very good ! | The country owes something to men whose wills are proved not o in ink, but in their life-blood. | | ' Printed ty Witten B in the Oity of London—Satunpar, December 23, , of No. 13, U; Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, and Frederick it. County of Middlesex, Printers at their mee in Lombard Strect, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London,and Published by them at No. 86 854, Mullett Evans, of No. 27, Victoria Street, in the Parish of 3

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wn se PUNCH, OR THE LONDON: CHARIVARL’ REHEARSING FOR THE CRIMEA IN ST. JAMES’S “Now THEN, Matz, HERE COMES AN ORFINCEER. PRESEND HARMBs !’ Make READY, SIBTHORPE’S POSITION. _ Amone the few matters that tended to enliven what was in other respects a rather dull debate onthe Militia Bill, the most amusing incident was the inquiry of NEL Sretuorre what would be his position after the i of the measure. Lorp, PaumErstow . reec the is “ SrpTHoRPE at n the battle field i the a foe, and, indeed, the daring nature of be pretty well known to the Members characteristic s ht charges are always to face, he is not one of those who are fe ma to the cowardice of wonent os enemy, eer properly speaking, an op ‘when his back is A "We admire the’ tact with which the Colonel effected diversion in his‘own favour, for when told that the best ee for him was his own home, and by implication that - cust to be in bed instead of in be House én Comme, e arged one of those pieces of light arti c are always sure to tell, by cviie notice, that “ ons future oceasion he should take an opportunity of moving the Reduction of the Salaries of those who sit on the ury Benches.” This shell, thrown into the Government ranks, the usual explosion of laughter, which continued both the sides of the House for a few seconds, and the gallant Colonel to retreat under cover of his pos own fire The Recruiting Serjeant “Abroad. Ir ‘is currently remarked among the medical students, that in introducing foreign bodies into the system of England = eare must be taken to prevent constitutional irritation, Tue Queen’s Servicze.—Will the Britannia metal, of which the Queen’s Service is exclusively composed, stand PARK. fire any the better for a little German plating ? Sr. Crispin 1n THE Camp.—Now we have no more Wellingtons in the Army, we are going to adopt Coburgs. PASS TIME OF THE PEERS. Tue other eyening a considerable portion of the time of the House of Lords was occupied in the discussion of the important question, whether a noble Lord’s argument had been popey described as * absurd,” and whether some other noble Lord been really guilty of uttering “degrading” and “debasing” sentiments. It seems to us rather immaterial whether their Lordships were right or wrong in abusing one another; but it is undoubtedly wrong that they should waste what is usually termed “ the time of the country” in an enquiry whether the coarse language used by the Peers was appropriate to the objects —s which it was directed. Their Lordships may rest assured that the nation does not insist on any explanation, but will be Loa satisfied to take it for granted that bot deserved all the abuse they got from each other.’ The discussion went off into an, if possible, still more unprofitable discussion, as to “what would have been the late Sin Ropert Pee1’s opinion” on some question or other. There will be no end to a debate if the opinions of dead statesmen are to be made. the subject of a post- mortem examination, and the house may as well resolve itself ;into an sides thoroughly in subjects are to be disinterred for the guidance of living statesmen. The discussion on what Sir Rosert Peet would have thought might have been got rid of by an amendment, FN ge a Select Committee to enquire and, if possible, ascertain, “ What will Mrs. Grunpy say ?” A Safe Guess. Ir the American President had to send his “ Messages” by the Electric Telegraph, and pay so much for so many words, we guess rather that he would not e them so tarnation long. A Srzciat Demurrer.—In spite of Mr. Sipnzy Herzert’s con- tribution to the Ministerial defence fund, it is easy to prove that the Government has been guilty of some short-coming, as the reinforce- ments have been so long-going. uest for the purpose of sitting on the debates of former days, if these | ja, MR. BRIGHT’S NEW WORD. Accorpine to the Morning Post Mx. Bricut says that “The populace are running red-hot after something that will turn out to be a Will-o’-the-Wisp and a delusion.” In urging on the war, Mr. Bricut means. But what does he mean by the Populace ? ‘We did not know that there was such a word in rR. Brieut’s book. Is it possible that he means those whom he used to denominate the People ? he intend to say that they are now running after a Will-o’-the-Wisp who used to run after himself? Having fallen out with his friends, does he now abuse them them names? Or has a large fortune come to him, or has his right to some peerage in abeyance turned up that he now speaks so ——. tuously of the Masses and the ion—termed more correctly the upwards of Twenty Million? Really we may expect ——« to hear x. Bricut calling the British Public the Oi Mado}, the Herd, the Vulgar, the Great Unwashed, the Mob, the Riff-raff, the Tag Rag and Bobtail. Mz. Brigut ought to get himself proposed at the Carlton Club, and introduced at Almack’s. ; Many a demagogue discovers that the Demos is a Populace when it burnt him in effigy. Disraeli for “ All Eyes.” THE orangemen of Dublin avow and declare that— “ All eyes are now turned towards Mr. Disrarui.” Have oranges eyes, then? Or do oranges look with the eyes of potatos P Taz Brave Germans.—Some fear that the German soldiers about to be to our forces will not s fire. One thing is certain— they will all have been to stand smoke. Rep Doves.—It is sometimes asked, “ Where is the Peace Society ? ” ial Peacemakers The most influential P are now encamped before Sebastopol. VOL, XXVII, DD

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI “WELL! I CAN-No? SEE THE BEAUTY OF SUCH OVER-FED ANIMABB } | practice FOR MY PART.” PRUSSIAN MAXIMS. Detays aré anything but dangerous. Never do to-day what can be done The kettlé that ’s boiled too quickly The line of beauty is a corkscrews, - Distanoe lends enchantment to the ‘view—especially of a field of Champagne 4 Discrétion is the beter of Valour. The man who does not fight, has § free to hold the — of those who do—and to rufit away With them if he pleases. If yout neighbour’s house on side of ison fire— what matter P—it’s all the caller or you to make the pot boil. Anything for a life of peace and quietness ! es well to-morrow. over. THE FATE OF THE THETIS, Cuicquot gives—wure’ dotes= lish te for two CQgvoT want a vi those great cups which hefis wont to fill ? than’a Ship ’tis true no gift could be ore suitable to Cricquor’s , (0 is of Ocean such a jolly rover, That he is always sailing half-seas-over, a Question for the House of Conimons. We have no acquaintance with the of a military ¢ Qonoxzn Sipruorre has much, and_ perhaps the € inform anybody who may at ification, at least when not something very fascinating. him, whether, in the ines are used, there ———— SUGGESTION FOR MATRIMONIAL ADVERTISERS. One thing was forgotten by the gentleman who put the following advertisement into the Morning Post :— ATRIMONY.—A GENTLEMAN, good-looking, aged 28, possessed of an income of #300 per annum, is desirous of meeting with a Lady of respec- tability, and possessing an income of at least £100 per annum. Being himself of an amiable disposition, he has no doubt that, toa Lady of congenial habits, he is in a position to offer a comfortable and happy home. His intentions are straightforward and honourable, and his moral character will bear the strictest investigation. The utmost secrecy will be observed. This gentleman forgot to stipulate that a full length photograph of the party desirous to treat with him should accompany her tender. lady “ possessing an income of at least £100 a year,” is an article of such demand in the market that any goods of the kind remaining on hand may be presumed to be d ed or defective. Much needless com ee would be precluded if the hundred pounds desirous of adding themselves to the three hundred would transmit a correct likeness of themselves to that sum. What a pretty collection of miniatures three hundred, or the gentlemen who corresponds to the amount, would get ! To advertise for a ‘wife of £100 a year, indeed, would be a capital way to obtain a gallery of natural caricatures. Every ugly variety of the nose, irregularity of the mouth, aberration of the eyes from the axis of vision, deflexion, contortion, emaciation, or tumefaction of the figure ; every species of disfigurement and blemish : would be illustrated in the replies to such an advertisement. All hope of beauty would be out of the question for the author of the above: the ruddiest ringlets, with tolerable form and features, p/us £100 per annum, are quoted at far above £300 ditto. Grey, in combination with venerable good looks, would be his only chance: or the semblance of youth, exhibited by the ——. would be found, on inspection of the original, to be due to a fallacy contrived by a TRUEFITT. A Puff Clothed in 40,000 Great Coats. Soma of the papers have been publishing with an amount of iteration that smacks of the advertising columns—an account of an offer to supply 40,000 great coats—at cost price—for the troops in the Crimea. The offer was, in spite of its magnanimity, declined by the Government, who had already contracted for a supply of coats, and therefore the 40,000 at cost price will have to remain on hand. We do not —s the grounds on which the “thanks of the Government” have been given to a tradesman, for an ‘offer by which nothing has been obtained, and Mr. Stoney Hersert in conveying them, has only illustrated the old saying of “ thank you for nothing.” A POST-MORTEM PUFFER. Somkopy advertises a “ Resilient Boddice or Corsaletto di Medici.” We should think this must be a very inconvenient article, for inasmuch as} “Resilient” means leaping up again, the ice in question must be one that it is difficult, if not impossible, to keep in its proper sition. The term “Corsaletto di Medici” is rather puzzling, for if it is meant to be suggestive of the beauty of form of the Venus DE Mepicl, we are perplexed y the recollection that the Venus alluded to wears no “ Corsaletto ” of any kind, or any “ boddice” “ resilient,” or otherwise. The advertisement contains an “opinion of the press” on the high authority of the “ Editor of the Courier”? Considering ‘A | that the “ Courier” has been dead these eight years, the ffice of Editor must be a bit of a sineeure; and, indeed, we shoul e to see the shadowy, being who fills it, for though a newspaper might ibly exist without an Editor, we cannot fancy the existence of an r without a journal. The Editor of the Courier, however, seems to have been,.so impressed, during his actual rt with the value of the i ddice, that now in the days of his Editorial hosth he wanders about exclaiming (in the words of the extract), “all who we haye any influence over shall in future wear them.’ e ee really like, by way of curiosity, to have a return of the names 6 over hie the Editor of the Courier (a journal which died eight years ago, and sold its own carcase, by anticipation, to the Globe) — any uence.” SIX OFFICERS ROLLED INTO ONE. Taxk of the work our troops have to do in the Crimea! what i that to the spiritual Iebour which has to be petformed by the gentleman named in the following paragraph from the Daily News ? “A PLuravist.—The Rev. C. A. Tuurtow, who has fs been appointed to the Chancellorship of Chester diocese, has at present on his hands the duties of lowing offices :—Rector of Malpas (worth £1000 a year), prebendary of York Oathedrs rural dean of Malpas, canon of Chester, and chaptain to the Archbishop of Cantetbuty. Fancy the same officer being Commissary, Colonel, Major, Captain, Adjutant, and Aide-de-camp. ff ke discharged the duties of all these commissions effectually, perhaps he would not enjoy too high a remtu- neration in receiving the pay of each. The same may officer in the Church-Militant, vio » to do ties half-a-dozen clergymen. But is that supposition tenable? Can the Reverend gentleman divide himself into six, x taining ing his vitality as if he Werte an earthworm: or can he preach or ofl 80 mi “4 at once? If so, we ie not quatrel with the Pops for us t believe prodigies and propositions which ate contrary to on sense...

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 261 THE DENOMINATION OF KING CLICQUOT. Crroquor was not this _monarch’s original name, If you wish to dis- cover that, see Punch's Pocket. at the - name of Oricquort was given to his e8 W) PEE EE 1 WV tH 688 the exquisite, { intoxicating, 80 deno- mists t is not, how- generally gave Kine y—= ever, known that Nicoxas, besides being the Godfather who Cuicquor that name, was also the rr who christened him thereby. But as Nicnonas has create j Church—and he really is the successor of Perer—it is not at all ——— ae ane ud taken 4 go> himself to vettorm e priestly o on (s) ening, which we suppose he did in the case of Cricquot, according to the rite practised by young ladies in christening ships. That is to say, that Ntomorass, in christening his wen relative, Cricquot, flung a bottle of the wine so called against his person. Nicnoas is subject to fits of frantic rage; like the bull, and other brutes. In one of these he has been known—as an eyewitness states—to transfix, with his sword, the foot of an officer who had offended him, and pin it to the ground. ‘To such a potentate it would be a mere trifle to throw bottles. He has since oh-poohed Cxricquot in the -most contemptuous manner; and Grosser has endured this insolence with such meekness that, there can be no doubt he would stand any outrage at the hand of NicHoxas, or even at his foot. ‘ : ‘ But, strangely enough, although Cricquot;has been twice christened, there is good reason to believe that if his own feelings had been con- sulted in the matter of christening, he never would have been christened at all. Some years ago Cxicquot came over to this country: on the occasion of a grand christening, by the by. rue the external splendours attendant on the ceremony, savoured, to his thinking, too much of pomps and vanities, and thus impressed his mind with an objection to it. However, if we remember rightly, Kine Curtcquot, about this time paid a visit to Newgate in company with a celebrated Female Member of the Society of Friends, and thus accompanied went down upon his knees then and there, and performed his devotions in a public manner, much less, it is to be feared, to the edification, than to the astonishment, of the beholders. It is impossible not to recall this remarkable demonstration on the part of CiicquoT in connexion with what might be called the extremely pacific tendency of his late policy, if that policy, by reason of its timorousness and indecision had not mainly contributed to bring on the war. Still Peace was his object: Peace at any ——— a pecuniary price. Nurcuoxas, besides having nicknamed him Cuicquor, calls him ~~ 2 of Peace. This brings us back to Cricquot’s christening, with the reason why we apprehend he had rather not have been christened, which must now be apparent, Take his sympathetic exhibition at Newgate with that which he is now making, to the admiration of Mr. Bricut and Mr. Cozpsy, and the scorn.of Europe. Put this and that together, and then say if it is not clear beyond all controversy that Kine Cricquot is—a Quaker ! This conclusion is strengthened by the fact that the influence which at present actuates his Majesty occasions on his part phenomena corresponding to those which were manifested by the primitive Quakers, and procured them that title. His vacillation or quaking of purpose is notorious, Our own correspondent is instructed to observe the costume worn by Kine Cxicquor at his next appearance in public: for we expect that he will soon display himself in his true colours, namely drab ditto, without buttons, and with a broad brimmed hat, One qualification, however, must be added to the inference that Cxricquor has turned Quaker. Not long ago, as all the world knows, he ran up against an apple tree in his orchard, and barked his nose. From haye its bea peered b : A y botoed eleiin te , Just pie b= fay order & himself Pope of the Greek |¢ this, besides other false steps, and courses of an indirect and devious’|. kind, the conclusion is inevitable if Kine Susonpor has joined the Society of Friends, his Maszsry is what is termed a Wet Quaker, RELIEF FOR THE DESTITUTE. Tr is the beautiful of the law that e destitute person in this country may slaimn seller ; most wt theory may often’ destitute — may inner at the London Tavern, but the claim in the one as little attention as the order in the other. ingiple adopted in some of the metro- politan parishes with to ion, is simply to drive it away, and if poverty were a at the door, there could not be greater anxiety to keep it o: is U displayed by the authorities at a workhouse, A family ving i supplies the materials for an active game of “ None of my ohildy’ between the relieving officers of neighbouring "You don’t belong to us,” cries Saint George, to itechapel ;” and, on arrival there, the weary the reppadiaayan by Whitechapel of a burden Rotherhithe. meet wi for relief to be at last reached, the question arises of what given. This is a subject for the discretion of the relieving 3 but, judging by some recent police reports, this “ discretion ” is sometimes exercised in a very te able manner. A few days ago a te female seed at the door of a pe workhouse at seven fon a cold winter’s evening, and wanted a night’s | officer, in the exercise of his “ dis- cretion,” 0 “a substitute for shelter. The of a reliey no d original ; but we should like to ask him, if he is a mare men, what he b Would think of the wag who, in the event of his (the relieving officer’s wife) being out shivering in the o’clock on a winter’s evening, should offer her a rtion of a way of shelter ding. If a slice of bread is facetiously proposed as a substitute for a mattrass, and a piece of crust is humorously offered instead of a roof; ‘we can only say the joke is the ba” Ba it was ever our misfortune to light upon. e heartily commend Sir Ropert Carney, for having inflicted a penalty on a relieving officer who had presented “bread” to a poor destitute creature, without a place in which to lie her head on a winter’s evening. The officer paid the penalty “ under protest,” and if he relies upon some quibble of law, we do not doubt he will find some learned authority or other to agree with him in maintaining any absurdity that will exempt him ftom the legal liability to support a auper not “belonging to the ish.” ¢ credit is due to Sir BERT CARDEN for the boldness with which he ya the side of common sense and common humanity, at the risk of finding Common law opposed to him. If the relieving officer ‘should bring his action, Sm Ropert may appeal with confidence to the Superior Court of his — TS ee in which, at all events, his good action will be quite justifie DANGERS OF FINE WRITING. In these days of common sense “ fine writing ” is rather dangerous experiment. We experienced the trut this the other day, when jd a rather spirited, but somewhat inflated letter, signed W. APIER, we came to a passage, which, at the first glance, read to us as follows :— “ Makes England shore and stare like a warehouse in the midst of cartage.” Having taken a second look at this rather stunning sentente, we found it to run thus :— “ Makes England snort and start like & war-hofée in the midst of carnage.” Ifa more familiar style of expression had been adopted, and the writing had not been quite so fine, this little mistake would probably not have happened. OUR FULL COLONELS. In the course of the Debate on the Militia Bill our friend Srsruorrs exclaimed that he “had the honour of peing a full Colonel.” We were aware that the Colonel was tolerab! ll of something or other, for there is not a night without his showing that he is full even to brimming over in the House of Commons, ess may be aceom- plished in various ways, and Bacon says, “that learning makes a full man ;” though we doubt if this is the way in which the gallant Se a e takes in the performances o ouse, We programme might be headed spucootiataly With the words— COLONEL SIBTHORPE " CRAMMED TO SUFFOCATION-CONTINUED OVERFLOWS !

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ‘ HAL \ | l : UP TO WEIGHT. Stout Party, “ Anem! I WANT TO HAVE A LOOK aT THE Howtnps To-morrow! Do you THINK YOU HAVE GOT ANYTHING THAT WOULD CARRY ME?” Stable Keeper. “ Wett, Str! I tank I wave Two Brown OssEs—AND A OMNIBUS AS PERHAPS MIGHT DO IT!” SERJEANT KITE. TueEy ’RE nobly consistent, these Statesmen of ours, In begging Recruits from all a wers ; And assert the great principle, thanks to whose aid Their own Coalition was easily made, You’ve only to pocket your private opinions, “a You Germans, ks, Spaniards, Danes, Poles, and Sardinians, You Belgian, you Switzer, you Dutchman, you Finn, Come, join the QueEeEn’s Service, and take the QuEEn’s tin. Your betters have done it—some folks had their views About Franchise, Reform, Oath, School, Ballot, and Jews, About Taxes, State-Churches, and Social Conditions— But 4 bas with all that, when we make Coalitions ! Come, Pole, take the coin. What rs want, we dare say, Is to i for the kingdom crowned thieves tore away— You’d better be Dome re list, if you’ve sense : You cannot get Poland, you can Kighteenpence. Hi! Sprechen Sie Deutsch’? Here! you, Student Von Krour— You want a Republic, like Puato’s, no doubt. Put that in your pipe, man, and fall into rank. “But for what?” For your money—it’s safe’as the Bank. Come," Raion, enlist. Here’s the cash. Join the herd. } What, all the blue blood in blue flame at the word ? “Not be coupled with those you ’ve professed to despise. And for gain?” You’reaDonkey. Some Dons are more wise. Now, Greek! True, for Scio and Cyprus’s sake You abhor the fierce Turk—but the drachmas you’|l take ? Aye, you’ve not a scruple—on you we rely, You’re ours, till some new, better bidder shall buy. Here, Russian deserter, your kopecks and gun, And blaze at the cause from whose ranks you have run. Of course. Why it’s not the first time we’ve been told How “later convictions have modified old.” You Dane, though we gave you our Eau-de-Vie Nan, You can’t forget Netson—we’ve shewn that we can. Well, we don’t ask your love, flabby son of a skate, Take our side, and the money, and help where you hate. Come, tender your service, you consciences tough. Kine Mammon’s drum beats, and all scruples are stuf ; To expedite things in our grand Expedition __ We'll send my Lorp Ractan an armed Coalition. If in taking of places it only can do As well as some people in sticking thereto, ; Mr. Russett will write—(and how well he will do‘it)— “T am happy to say that Szsastoron fwit.” No Mercy for Palmerston. Cotoyet SrstHorPe concluded one of his numerous speeches on the Foreign Enlistment Bill with these remarkable words :— “ The conduct of Ministers was underhand, low, dirty, mean, cowardly, unworthy of Englishmen. Save and except the SEcRETARY OF STATE FoR THE Home DePaRrTMENT, they had no proper feeling. With that exception, the Lord have mercy on such a set. We regret this burst of almost truculent antipathy to Lorp | Patmerston, for we beg to ask, what has he done to render him an exception to the mercy which is asked by CoLoneL SrpTHoRPE for the other members of the Cabinet ? : * INCONSISTENCY OF THE DERBYITES. Tr is rather odd that the political party which includes W. B. should have opposed the Foreign Enlistment Bill. They, at least, could —_ ave been expected to object to the services of a mercenary nd, How To MAKE YoursELF INVISIBLE.—Go into the Police. 'seotr ‘ne aaanNaoac

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ls en Sl FOREIGN ENLISTMENT. If we must have it—for Goodness Sake begin with the Organ Men. =al (Puncn, No 703. DecemBer 30, 1854.|

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Act for A Abolition of Charles Kean ‘Aldermas in the enc. All the = of the Piel All up wii Fagian Amanities ¢ of Clonme Gact, 18 Anatomy of a Russian Guy Fawkes, 262 Anecdotes of Painting, 18 Anthropomorphous Asses, 140 Antidore to to Choquet in Apes of the Boudoir, 144 Ap of the Police, 61 Aristocratic meg (An), 43 As Clear as C. Attack on Bou! oe Th 115 Awakened Conscience (Tr 5 — Thoughts (written at Baden Baden), Baltic Broadside (A), 91 Bar, Bar, Black Sheep, 18 Base Attempt on the Crimea, 169 Battle of Alma Mater (The), 215 Battle of Balaklava (The), 219 Battle of Guy Fawkes Day —_ 220 Battle of the Alma, as fought at Astley’s The), 185 Battle of the Bungs ( a aaa Battle Roll (The), 236 Beadledom in Danger, 231 Behind the Shutters, 71 Belgravian Music Mania coe Bella, Horrida wong oh Better for Mixin pes dosed Between Bull Bear, 43 Bg ny 7 you, the Ambassador and his Bible ero (A), 250 Birds—not of a Feather, 1 yon be Exeter’s Dead Wall (The), 248 aes ted Being (A),” 167 of the Grape, 252 Blow for a Puff (A}, 222 Bomarsund to begin with, 92 “ Book in a Bustle (A),” 129 en and the House of Smoke (The Brackis Thoughts, 90 Breaking Up, 69 Bright idea Nantel out out (A) 206 Bright Poker (The), 258 British Archeological Society (The), 84 Broadside from the Black Sea (A), 138, 151, 166 Brooke Testimonial (The), 182 Burial of the Session’s Business (The), 28 CALL a Spade a Spade, 63 Cant of Criticism The), 237 . Cardinal V’ s 7 Case of Real Distress (A Character of Dando (Ike ~ Eater), 121 — of (Astley’s) Menschikoff ( he), Characteristics of Irish Members, 9 diy I sues i As mr —— or ae Charity by Proxy, 217 Charley’s (not) my Darling, 256 Cheap Clerical Hospitality, 228 Orne of CofMmon Domestic. Life e Christmas Carol = the Crimea (A), 266 Circuit Gambo! City of London ~ a 9 Clerical Sherry, 216 Clerks and Clodhoppers, 200 Clerks at Starvation Prites, 106 Clodhopper at the Crystal Palace (A), 61 College of Real Gookery (A), 156 Coluldrub (A), 247 Common Sense in Regithentals, 128 Convict of Love (The), 52 Cornish Wrestlers with Famine, 120 Coroners and Railway —_— O4 Court Martial for Me (A), 67 Criticism All Hot, 85 Crossing Sweeping as a Fine Art, - 266 —_ Treatment of a Respectable ~ ; agrees Mog us!” 287 Curate’s Uniform (Th Czar and his Cousin Nibholas (The), 89 Czar ira (Le), 246 Czar’s Confusion (The), 30 Czar's Forge (The), 178 Czar’s Night Thoughts (The), 58 Czar's Tremendous Sacrifice (The), 105 Dancers of Fine Writing, 261 Day of Absolute Rest (A), 3 De Bello Anglo-Gallico, 225 De Lunatico, 235 Defend your Ma Denomination of Ki King * Clicquot, 261 Deputations Waited On at the Shortest | H Notice, 178 Deserted One of Downing Street (The), 168 Devoted (The), 189 Due of the Dead (The), 173 Dig with a Lady’s Parasol (A), 123 Dinner for Everybody (A), 189 Dirty Money, 27 Disraeli and the Fifth of November, 170 Disraeli in a Beer Barrel, 158 Dog Days at the Bluecoat - (The), 59 “ Dogs and Monkeys!” Doubleubeesioraus, 166 Downfall of Downing Street, 23 Drat the Flies! 114 Duke of Decanters (The) Dying Black Swan in the Snnseh (A), 1428 EpvUcATIONAL Damper (An), 58 Electric Story Teller (The), 143 Elevated Court Circular ( An), 72 Emperor Nicholas (as Painted Cottman), The, 101 Empire is—Police (The), 140 Evil Eyes on Nicholas, 96 Excuse for Horse Guards, am Expressive Doublefacedness, Fate of Franklin and his Men (rhe), 177 Fate of the Thetis (The), 260 Fate of Umbrellas (The), 75 Fellow with the Scythe (rhe), ), 29 Finale to an Opera (A), by Dn Fine Arts in Poet's Gator, 52 Fine youn; First Cou English Officer (The), 79 to Nicholas (Tse), First Railway in Australia (The), 244 Fleas and Bookworms at the British Mu- Fl tee news Che) 120 lowers 0 y ( Freneh in Bottoms, From Windsor to St. ead 8? Gauuant Forty-Sixth (The), 71 Gamb! Governments (The), 108 General View of Greece, German Tinder, 237 Ghost of Cobbett to the Earl of Aberdeen (The), 257 Give us the ee "8 Denese 104 Glut of Great (The), 176 Gint of Great Tragedians (A), 125 Good New Cocke ig Travers, 110 ews Good Thing Bs Goreme oup ~~ 2 theatre (A), oe Ey Government Grand Fait (for the benefit of Destitute &c.) The, 72 Great Debate Nuisance (The), 252 Great Man (A), 250 Great Pig Question ery 197 Great Taptub Case Great T ian ani ey citieen (The), 157 Greater Man than Nicholas (A), 193 Greatest Event of the Present Session (The), 58 « Growth of a New Suburb (The), 167 pee | Practice, Guy’s Nose put out of Joint, 216 Hanvpsome Orrer (A), 167 Harvest Home, 1 Hat in want of 'a Place (4), 229 eartsease for Czar, Hide and Seek Market (The), 122 Classes’ Encouragement Society ), 205 on bon hy Shows, -. the Wen World 4 is set 112 Treat Truth in Russia, 190 te be an Early Bird, 122 low t© Beat the Russians, 59 to Manufacture Spanish Dancers, 176 ‘ow to take Cronstadt, 210 iow to test a Le yg eee, 154 ih, Hush! 1 IMAGINARY eorersate yt of ‘War (By our tion, 29, 54. Important the own 11, 21, 31, 41 a to » the (Female) Heads Families, 186 on Early Closing (An), 70 — ly ing ( = " rte oo in his own In Re Sebastopel, Infallible Speci, Interesting habits a "Ministers, 57 Iron Age of wag (The), 134 “ JACK’s toliday,” 200 Jenkins on a Beer-barrel, 19 Jeremiah Smith and William Staggers,75 John Bull’s Share of the Battle, 156 Joke by a Teetotaller (A), 21 Jolly ions, 81 Jolly Russlen Prisoners (The The), 205 Jonathan’s Baby Show, 164 J ona Hume Porttait (The), 64 Judicial Leap in the Dark (A), 87 Keay, v. Pi Pickard, 108 Kept in — King Fritz, King J aniper's s Sufiday, 30 King Stephen with a Difference, 246 Lavigs’ Habits for eB 146 Lady’s Conscience (A), 48 y,v Law and —, Law, v. Pht y, 247 Lawyer off his oh (A), 116 Beft-off Clothes for A’ 182 Lieutenant Maxse’s Ride, Life Preserver cn ), Limited Liability, 12 ee 4 - She 14a o Look out for your Li Lord Aberdeen's Explanation, 8 Lofd Chaneellor and the Second Columa of the Times (The), 247 Lord Mayor’s Show (The), 179 Lumley’s Midnight Review, 13 Marne Model Law, 95 Making Game of Poetry, 164 Man at the Wheel (The), 76 Man with the Mild Eyes (The), 158 Manchester Peace-Goods, 24 Many Thin é in few Words, 8 Matrimonial Institution ( The), 226 Matrimonial Office ( 2380 Memento —S Memorandum for bee Officers, 82 ¥ earch of I fIn tellect (The), 83 Military March of In Missing Despatch (The » 249 Mission hurch (A), 3 Mock Jenkins at the Palace (A), 100 Model Bal Masqué (he), 255 Model Court (The), 204 Monkey's Atbowenne 1380 Moral of Wooden Cannon-balls (The), 10 More Musical 2, Motherless Children of Fashion (The e); Mr. Briefiess and the Council on Education, 1! Mr. Bright's Leg, 287 Mr. —-o new Word, 259 Mr. Punch to an Eminent Personage, 110, 113 Mrs. Durden on the a, 101 Mrs. Grundy to Mr. Bright, 203 Much Ado about Diplomatic Nothing, 116 Murder from the French, 4 Music for Mars, 27 Music of the Political Spheres (The), 50 New Names for Navy, = New Police in Paris (The), 1 New Way of exec (Ph) 208 Pigs (A), 158 Newcastle Cossack bone ont to his Pillow, 7 ae my s Song yy the Sick Soldier ), 1 » _— oad Pos. 0) ‘or Palmers No more Time-Tables, 238 in Scotland on a Sunday, 19

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Officer's gre Be Book Cpe tA 46th Exercise, 90 | Punch’s Hand! Pestilence and his Brother, 196 Pet Pigs at ie, 186 Philosophical Drama, 179 Physic for the Enemy, 71 gaa in Muslin, 104 Piano in the Farm House (The), 169 Pianoforte and the Dairy (The), 175 Plea for the Pewter Ay 85 Pleasant Cabman (A), 33 Pocket Lavater (A), 252 Poetry in all Thi 139 New of Chess (The), 215 Poetry of Parish Clerks, 141 — of the Present Century (The), Political Chemistry, 142 Political Shawl (A), 130 Post-Mortem Puffer (A), 260 Na 4 and ey, 164 Pour Encourager les A’ ane Pre-Scientific Pier (A), 123 Present and the Future — Prevision of Punch (The), 4 Prince Albert at Boulogne, 112 Progress of Woman, 134 Protector of the Prineipalities (The), 44 Protestants at a ee Prussian Maxims, Prussia’s Vacillation ~ 89 Public Nuisance in Downing Street, 177 Puff Clothed in 40,000 Great Coats (A), 260 Punch against Mawworm, 115 Punch and Pio Nono, 157

aie @ue ueer @ uidg sin Berctanent — is—Why do they-do it? (The), Quiet Streets, 174 Rance a _ (The), 236 Rascal W orshi; Real Steam Halle forthe Destitus, 2 ‘ae, the Toad and the Rest ats en pases, Ht ett oy ity of the Vivandiére, ieesed of the Second Column (The), 82 Russian Bear tpeby | Cubs on Russian Ducks eese, 209 Russian Gentleman in Difficulties (The), 12 Russian Prisoners and Russian Journal- ists, 136 Russian Problem Solved (A), 50 Russian Trophies, 1 Rassian Russian View of h steel 143 SancrirreD Apelaes . -t Punch, 92 Schoo Royalty, <a foaloy's Song of — of the We ar (A), 17: in Knightsbridge (The) scolding from Papa Pius (A), 129 Scottish Lions at Threepence, 48 Sea-Fight of Sebastopol (The}, 23 Serenade for Sans ci, 176 Second Letter to an Bminent Persouage ), aceckons from Prince*Menschikoff’s Car- riage, 1 — of the Alma at the Haymarket, Serjeant Kite Seven Cases het the Police, 42 Shakspeare Protection Society os Shells that Won’t Shell Out, 250 Should this Catch the Eye of a Policeman, 73 Sib: 's Position, 269 Side: oy cone a 139 Bing a Te Deum, 100 Situations for Society, 79 Six Officers rolled into One, 260 Sledge-Hammer Argument (A), 18 Sleeves and Sauce, 109 _— for the Allied Army (French), 246 Song of the Crescent a 257 Song of the Devna Camp, 19

“ Special’ Emperor (A), 153 8; from mnparo (A) (The), needed of Folly (The), 166 Spiritual Performances, 104 Spiritual Workhouse Gruel, 28 Star — ey 175 n ( ) Storm ina yr bey — for Matrimonial Adve: « ays Flower” in the Common Pleas y Band of Hope (A), 189 Sunday for the Superior ‘lasses, 43 Sunday Travellers’ Club (The), - Dog Days (A), 133 in Berlin, 33 Temperate Advice, 75 Threaten the Threatener, Threatened Annihilation at the British 96 Three my ee of Half a Century, 106 “ Timid Counsels,” 194 Titbit from the “Invalide Russe” (A), 24 To Mothers of New She Babies, 158 To the Memory of Charles Kemble, 207 To Young Men about to enter the Army,’ 389 Treasure-Trove for a Cabma Treating Russia Diplomatica! 7 8 Tricks of the Electrics, 64 Turkish Museum 1S sa 73 “Twice Killed,” 1 Twin Knights of rw Bath, 256 Tyranny of Furniture (The), 111 Tyrant’s Doom (The). By Tamms, 146 UvrTramMontTang Cras (The), 13 United Happy Family (The), o Vacuum that wants filling up (A), 96 Vane Ambition (A), 33 Vauxhall in the Sulks, 91 Vegetarian Eating House 5 Very Dry Leaves from Ol pt, 126 Victory of Christ’s Hospital (The), 221 Village Hampden in the Church (A), 112° Violent Agi-Tatar (A), 154 Virgin Afioat (The), 1 Voice from Stoke-Pogis (A), 69 Vulgar Traisms, 74 Waxstep—Roderick Randoms, 2C¢5 War and the Bumbles (The), 245 War Exhibitions, 246 War Puffs, 251 We knows yer Feelings, 152 Weeping Birch (The), 7 Westminster Representation, 256 Vane. Londoner has Reason to be Proud of, What is a Sausage-Maker? 200 What is a Traveller? 103 LONDON: BRADBURY AND EVANS, PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS.

re are ‘Where's as 168 Who has seen him | Whe ai Delde when Dustars Disagree? Wonders of a Russian Winter, 219 Wooden Bullets and ‘a Walls, 44 larmists Word with Mr. Baines (hy, 49 Worthy the Attention of the British Fe Writing Master at the Home Office (The), 2 “ Yx Subalterns in England,” 199 “ You just let that Tub alone!” 109 LARGE ENGRAVINGS :— San Plays on the Scotch Fiddle, Britannia takes the Widows and Or- phans of the Brave under her Protec- tion, 161 Brothers in Arms, 160 Bursting of the Russian Bubble, 149 Cruel Treatment of Russian Prisoners in England, 137 Rauapeer (with the Mild Eyes) objects to the Naked Truth (The), 191 Vatente Cordiale (The) 107 Enthusiasm of Paterfamilias, 213 Foreign Entistment, 263 Giant and the Dwarf i 44 “ Giving the Offi Holiday Letter (The How to get Rid of an Old Woman, 171 Jack’s Holiday, 201 Oystria and the Shells, 243 Real “ Invalide Russe” (The), 25 Remanded, 253 Return from the Baltic (ihe, hal — Bear's Unlicked Cubs (The), Bethe) C* mcrema and his Monster, e), 1 topol—A Prayer for the Brave, 126 Selling out, 68 Shooting Season (The), 67 Sir Edmund Lyon’s Brougham, 181 Smoke, 55 Victory of the sie, 148 Water Party (A), 87 “You are requested not » speak to the Man at the Wheel,” 17

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