Punch 1854: Vol 26

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ee ce ALIA) Sol AL (Aad TALK Po Co acreage tae PUN PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS, FLEET STREET.

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c having become known in the highest temporal place of Merry England that Mr. Puncu was about to complete the Twenty-Sixth Volume of his immortal work, he was aroused at an unusually early hour from his pillow, by the Lorpy Caamprrtaiy, the bearer of the commands of Her Most Gracious Maszsty, to the effect that Mx. Puncm should attend with his new Book—his last gift to a | it] \ i i r| Kf eee | | f I. ———— delighted and enlightened generation—at the Crystal Palace; a fitting place, as it was pleasantly observed to him by the Court functionary above-named, wherein to dedicate to the Royal Consideration the brilliant | and varied wonders of his last completed Book. Magnificently printed in letters of virgin gold on white satin—“the worms were hallowed that _ did breed the silk”—was the Royal Command, to the following brief but heart-warming summons :— “ Buckingham Palace, June 26. “Mr. Puncn is commanded by Hern Masesty to attend at the Crystal Palace, at Two o’Clock | to-morrow, to present to Her Maszsty his Twenty-Sixth Volume.” “ Morning Dress.”

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iv | PREFACE. _ Mx. Puncn will not attempt to describe the attitude of the British nation on this event. No sooner was it made known to the world that he had received the Royal summons—no sooner was it an assured truth that he would take his blithesome way to Crystal-crowned Syd@emham, than the whole population in the line of his progress made every possible demonstration in order te glorify and do honour to so great an event, Every possible sort of tapestry decorated the balconies, Hearthrugs and patch- work quilts vied with one another; and multitudinous brass bands made resonant the welkin with the air— See, the Benefactor comes.” Arrived at the Palace, Mz. Puycu—his new volume under his arm—contemplated for awhile the People’s Eden, in which the mighty gardener Josrrm is planting so many Trees of Knowledge. And at once soothed and strengthened by the beauties around him, he awaited the Royal summons. Her Gractovs Masesry—punctual as the sun—arrived at ten minutes to Two o’Clock, and as Two sounded from the belfry of Sydenham church, Mr. Punen—duly called by the Lory Coamperntain—was face to face with her resplendent Masrsry. That Crystal Knight, Six Josern Paxton—having received the Royal Command to such effect— introduced to the Queen, with whom were Paince Atsert and the Royal Children,—Mr. Puce and his Volume. Mr. Puncn was about to lay his book at the Royal Feet, when Hen Magzsty condescendingly desired to receive it in her Hand, and having beneficently smiled upon it, gave it to Sig Josern, with orders that it should be added to the Five and Twenty Tomes of Puncu—all of whieh are enshrined in a | delectable Cabinet in the Royal Private Apartments of the Crystal Palace. Her Masesty was thereupon graciously pleased to visit the Punca Covrr—a Court hitherto most enviously neglected by contemporary literature, no notice of it having hitherto appeared in any of the newspapers. The inspection of Mr. Puncn’s Court having been honoured by many musical —— the Queen returned to her Chair, and deelared Te Ciuenty-Sirth Volume of Punch Published. Vivat Regina.

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_ ~~ ak ————— ij Tet = paeaiag sf! seas, Uda ipsa H feat | Hhedas: jE eiad:t: PRE a smcen + : = itt 424 a) Bsaeslachehits Eg + — #4 ‘ hi of 45122) Si. ; deat ecb ia cench eee i44 ee ae 443 ihe March xxxi Days. December xxxi Days. February xxviii Days. A See8 fies SRRSRRGRRSS : be sf 7 aii : PR TTHE 3443! ccdeil LHL PEP ie Titttinit pili A Lie i ada tare “2 a% 7 é : s3ic3 Lhia ? Bea Fa ntecten e625 5—68

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ALMANACK FOR 1854. PUNCH’S VALENTINE’S DAY. © GAS * Toth \, a Uh me i." WESsSHALL CLEAR YOU!” ‘DON’T MOVE: THERE '

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CAPER SAUCE. } A vemv serapulous | maiden lady of car ac- quaintance classes the ballet among the in- delicacies of the Season, | } Taz MarTRimowiaL Cmevus.— The only ring in which the whip should not be used, is the wedding-ring. Whenever it is used, you may put it down as a badiy-managed circle that is & @ingrace to the ring.—W lwvicumes. Deasdatic TauTs.— a : Wwar's or « Name? —Morethan some peo- ple thidk. Don’t open & sausage-shop in Cat eaton Street. Paoraz Drewrry,— Stand go sauce from any servant but your couk. Wuen is the soup likely ® run out of the saueepan ?— When there's a lwek in it. REMARK ASLE Dagan. — Au inveterate punster having fallen asleep, dreamt that Me. Hoseus eddingtoa a Tem- Pein + hel You may take # Teetotaller to the Pump, bat you cannot make him drink. Foa-humter. “ Henn’s MONTHLY MEMS. BY A CABBY. JaycvaRny.—Cruel ‘ard weather. Bad entertainment for man an’ ‘oss. Rough your cattle and your tongue. If you drives a night-cab, get inside when on the stand, pull up the win- ders, and smoke. Bacea airs the wehbicle, and you can, if objected to, say it was the last fare. Much may be done at the second-rate skvares, where they gives parties, by keeping up proper ties with the linkman. Encourage arist-rcratic connexions, wich there is generally a public ‘andy about the mews, and draining a pot at your expense will make him strain a pint in your favour. Strawhbands about the legs is much worn this month; and your 'oss's rugs will make a comfortable rap. As for the ’oss, he’s the master’s look out, and you needn't care a rap for him. Feervary.—A sindgy month, bad for chilbiains, and con- sekvently good forcabs. Parliament opens, wich the Cabman Sproat m™ THs Svp- Unes.—A young gentle- | man at Clapham went | out snipe-shooting a- mong the adjoiming | Willas. | How To Hoax Pouncu. — Pay threepence a week, and you may take Punch in. Wuat tas Vecr- akiaws Live on. — Gammon and Spinach. Tus Decrorn aD ue Dawcine-MasTer. One practises the ealing art and the ther the toeing art. A Low Srvtz oF IN ATURALICT.—Thecon- poisseur of spars, and 1e zoophyting maa. A Rapeit THAT CANT 2 Cunerap,—A Welsh Rabbit. Cuaractgr von Hawp- RITING.—A good text- nod indfestes an ortho- ox clergyman. Moat vor Sportive ms of the Turf, —“A2 use it is an instita- husrespe for our PUNCHS ALMANACK FOR 1854. will not forget wot he owes to his horder, and never leave his rank to take up hanything so owas a Hem P. You may ailed by Ma. Firznoy if you stands oppersite the ‘Ome The more he ‘ails the better. Remem- ber to keep « few bad tizzies about you Let him ‘afl. cah, bone it. CASE OF REAL DISTRESS. _ ‘ , .] ‘| 7 _ THE GROUND I8 HALF A FOOT THICK WITH Sow, AND IT's wasee,. chant lent FREEZING LIKE MAD!” for change for a bob desarves no better. If anything is left Eaven ‘elps them as 'elps themselves ; and if Cabnies doesn’t 'elp themselves, who ‘ll 'elp ‘em, I'd Wooden-soled shoes is recommended watermen in this month, as they are obligated often to be A silk ‘ankwereher twisted round the ‘at is nobby, aod keeps out vet. A blowy month; but a good blow ont is the last thing likely to come im a Cabby’s way, now-a-days. | Don't stand no March airs from customers. you do, avoid the Beak, for a Cabby in the Police Court now-a-days is like this blessed month in the halmanack—he goes in like a lion and comes out like a lamb. PROPHETIC, Tus National Debt will be paid off by Ma Barmrpene with a draft on the well-known and Sotwe PL iL Trivas ww Stason me Jarvany.—Cold chopa, flounders (in slippery weather), and (cork soles. EARTHENWARE at Sua.-— In the stormy ocean every vessel in a pitcher. Tue Purtosoruy oF Buteeny.— it is with the votes of men, as with their setions;: it all depends upon the way in which you treat them e444 Apvioe To F~amens, Feed your poultry | well, and you will in- sure full crops. } Nore sv «4 Pouce. maw.— A Quaker in rel- dom taken inte custody, and never collared. Syvurroms or «Ww Eanuy Sprumwe The Green Bushes are seen at the Adetphi as carly as November. Suir Kwow.Lepas.— An undergraduate who had been plucked, meet ing an ass grazing on waste-land, saluted him as a Fellow Commoner be kept? In the larder. CRACKERS FOR PARTIES. Taz Lorp Mayon always draws his own Coach. It is one of his duties as a Mare The author of The Lily and the Bee tw the Wannew who “does "the poetry for the Blacking advertisements, It is bootless to speak of the polish of his style The Morning Heraid ia generally regarded among news papers ax the Cock of the Walk The “King-maker” Eant or Wanwick, of Hannay ras Sixtu’'s time, was the old original “ Eri King.” The Key t Uncle Tom's Cabin in « \atch-key of the ordi- | nary kind. Napo.zon’s last ride at Waterloo was met by the advance of the English foot, strengthened by a Weitineron and « Biucuer. Mra. Baauan, the lockmaker, has « very large Eastern connection. In fact, they quite worship him there. ee a jon not calculated to | PaTERVAMILIAS INSISTS THAT THE GIRLS SHALL WEAR VERY STOUT BOOTS IN THE WET WEATHER; BUT THE | Busevumss seys, “He GrRis Don’? aT ALi Like “Taz NASTY, GREAT, UGLY, CLUMSY, THICK THINGS!” only wishes some fool Tas Warcumaxta's Vicn.— Did you ever find your wateh repaired on the day by which you | were promised it should he? Not you; and the reagon is that watch- makers, by the nature of py A , aequire . f with time which det toned a con- tempt for it. DuamaTic Paorerry — An original play is t, but & piece the French is Naronas 9 8 iwrony vor Bosapine ScCHv01 4s. —A& young lady who bad heard that there were eygnete in the Thames, went up t Richmond in @ steamer, expecting to see some vealn. Tux Dovo.— The poor @atinet off Dodo, on whose back so much nonsense has been put, was only the male bird. The female of it was “Tux Dow'roon’r.” Trovent to 6 Suor- vino wirn.— The great- eat bargains at the most | tremendous sacrifices of linen-drapers are ail stuff. Leoa..— The proverb says,“ A fool keeps his own counsel; ” and | would keep him.” —_ —— ee)

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MONTHLY MEMS Br a Capnt APrart- very day o' this month as Weather given to change, t don't you foller its example the firet 1 fer shillins (unless bad tizzies as above pinted out) may go further nd fare wae ard wus hewina to Cabbies isin request among swells. I joards’ Club is good for them as can go the pace, but the Rag 1 Famish ain't no good, nor the ihe Avoid the neigh- vod of Vestmineter’AN. It's ifa Hem F., or a lawyer the Hact and ord to aay One made or ke yrwae it w ong a Fact.— ater Care has been intro- - in & peentiar class of cases At ket or other large vessel of wholesome fiuid is suddenly tied over the patient, and the re te Instantaneous and certain The diseases thus cored are those imerons affections comprehended nder the term shamming; but ft long been known that plain is the best of all remedies for plants ater f 4 has water Loox at Tarwos sometimes the you are How To led views are heat for instance, if taking the a0 squinta HaGioL_oey the biography of this saint little has been recorded, but er name indicates the probabilit that she was of an inquiring mind. Fact ror Youre SrorTsmsyx.— The easiest bird to catch in a« trap in the greenfinch Proe_em ror Artists.—To paint man from a model which »ot a lay figure ’ Cock wry Ace fort a clergy A Cricketino Parapox. leven can make a score ~Any g 4 Lock out for April fools, | well as | The Cabman as carries anything | Beason | get lively, and ‘Ansom | One- portrait of a person | St. Mary | Artist. “ Candid Friend. MIGHT REPAINT PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1854. | ny ‘h uv th +l dy y : i" ty K THE FINISHING TOUCH TO A PICTURE. TER OR IMPROVE.” Now, DON’T HESITATE TO SAY IF You sEE ANYTHING I caw Al “Hu! Wett! No! I pon’? sEE ANYTHING—UNLESS, PERHAPS, YOU-A THe PrixciraL Fieurgs, anp—I—yers—I SHOULD CERTAINLY GET a NEW BACKGROUND IN.” ME alt i! MAXIMS FOR THE POLICE. Howrsry is the best police-y. When you see « loose fish, “ hook | it”—if the fish don’t. grow Necessity is the mother of inven- tion; so when you find it nevessary | to make a charge against somebody | bat hear.” strike you have locked up, inventone. He was a fool that said, ye A policeman here, there, and everrwhere. Diseustise Exarerrioy. — A | brute in human shape lately under- | took, for a wiiing wager, to devour ( 8 d)t bb spri greens, 2 am of “onions, and 10 artichokes. We understand that the only excuse given for this dis- gusting performance was, that the | fellow was a Vegetarian. Tae Bitvowess or Forrews.— It is just as well that fortune is blind, for if she could only se some of the worthless persons os whom she showers her most valuable gift, she would immediately scratch her eyes out! A Sewrmeyvta, Screw. —A mean author told his wife that it did not nm him so much to see natoral ers fade, as t behold artificial ones go out of fashion. Tosacco axp Toran Aperr- Ewce.—A female lecturer (of the curtain class) says that she has no objection to the pipe without the bowl, Tur Srortixe Bony ayp Limes. —A large p' on of the Vem- bers of the Turf are Legs. ALLowaxce To Wirwessus.— For a nervous witness ro allowance is made by a bullying counsel. A Danoznovus Rrvat.—Be your pretensions as a lover what they may, you are sure to be cut out by your tailor Frocs m Famrums—Are rela- tions who croak. FLY-FISHING. Mr. BUNGLE ALWAYS MAKYS HIS FLIES ON THE BANK OF THE STREAM. HERE IS ONE OF MOST SUCCESSFUL EFFORTS.

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Se FFE rite EP MONTHLY MEMS. By a Caney. May.—A pions and pleasant month about Exeter "All. Quakers is no good; but awakened females may be worked, as many is from the country, and can’t stand bad lan- guage. Reading a tract on your box is a good draw. Also Greenwich parties ns, and taken in to (white) bait. ra- slice of dubble Gloncester. may be calkilated on, and the J ack-tR- Tue-Geeex, and my lord and my lady. In takin’ a fare to Hepsum, mind you never drives your own ‘oss, and gets your money fust, for there and back. You are safe to lose your fare, and in course, there's no ‘arm if you can pick up afresh un ‘ome— the fresher the better. Turn up the enshions for spoons, wich loose silver is hoften left about by gents after lunch, and it is your dooty, accordin’ to the Hact, to restore missin’ property. If you don’t know who it belongs to take it to your unkle’s, and it will be off your ‘ands and mind. Zephyrs is now fashionable, and heverything looks green, incladin’ enstomers, a great comfort to Cabbies and lovers o’ nature. Propuetic.—A novel entertainment will be given at the Mansion House by « Cab- man, who, while before the Lonp Mayon, entertains” the idea of pleading guilty tos for insol Dewroacy ayp Rerinewewr.—At the Misexs Syopuywe's Select Establishment for Young Ladies, tuition aoe eee in arithmetic in all its — except Vulgar Fractions. Horr ow Yacutiva. —A steam yacht will be found more economical to keep than any other, as it admits of the application of the screw principle. Taste ws Burtpive.—An arehitect—of his | own fortune—says that he cares about no capital but that which belongs to a colamn of figures. A Propiem (to be worked out by a newly married Young Lady).— A sufficient quantity | — d’s of linen for the facture of her h shirt being given—to make it. THE POLICE WEAR BEARDS AND Frederick. “Now Tuauy, WILLIAM, WOT ARE YER WaITIN’ For?” William. “ Wuy,1 wos a-THINKIN’ VETHER I SHOULD WEAR LIKE THIs HERE OR LIKE THAT HARE.” \ MM MY MoosTaRCHERS . grit fa f Mi it THE DISAPPOINTED ONE. IMPROMPTU AFTER EVEXING PARTY. Ir must not be—nay, Maiden, nay— Thy prayer, alas! is futile quite : What tho’ I pledged my hand to-day, I cannot dance with thee to-night. "Tis not that I have ceased to love The whirling waltz, or fast galop : Nor that I hold myself above A mild and quiet “ carpet” hop. "Tia not that I intend a cut That thus thy wish I disappoint : Nor has some fairer rival put Thy nasal organ out of joint. "Tis not—bnt why these fables moot ? Diesimulation's art T scorn : 'Tis simply that a cure’d tight boot Has sadly pinched my favourite corn! How To Prove your Acqovarmrayce.— This pruning can be done etther by entting, or by throwing cold water. A combination of both systems will, doubtless, do a great deal ; but if the pruning-knife is judiciously applied in cutting off the dinners and suppers which the arquaintance prinet- pally come to eat, it is astonishing what & number of them will drop off, more especially those dead branches which are not worth retaining. The quantity of grub you will get rid of in this way will be enormous. An old scarecrow erected on r grounds, by getting your mother-in- iw to come and live with you, is not a bad plan for pruning your acquaintance, as it is sure to frighten a certain number away. Pueserves wirnout Suoar.—Take tur- | mips, beans, barley, wheat, oats, rye, or clover, in any proportion of acres; to these add a few young plantations and eoppices, and do them in covers: stock with hares, partridges, and pheasants, and set keepers to watch, Trout in rivers may be preserved the same way. These preserves are expensive; but very filling: they fill the County gaols. ADVICE TO ALL WHO ATTEND Epsom Races. —Avoid Rooks, whether in or out of Pigeon pies Way should people who wish to lead peaceable lives, never go to evening parties ?— Because hops produce great bit- ternens. OUSTACHES. PANIC AMONGST THE STREET BOYS.

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MONTHLY MEMS. By a Caner. Juwe,—Aa the wea ther is ‘ot in doors, eold without may be recom- | mended A deal of plea sure ezeursions may | be expected. ‘Ampton Court ean be recom- | mended. It's aatonish- | in w the Maze, and the pleturs, and the ‘oss chesnute in Bushey, geta into peoples’ ‘eads Ala perties is now plenty; bat mind you don t give up to parties wot was meant for man- kind—that is, money Remember, if youdrives | a gent t) an op or an pra, to wait till he and say he mea out told you. Time's money Leave off ander veskita, | and sport a flower in your butt m-'ole Hier to THe Hooxrp if vou deatre to be released from a rash promixe of marriage, breathe vows of love continually after eating entons Discovery In A Cnor Hovas,— The rea son why a waiteralways wears pumps, is because his buwiness is to dance attendance “Dow't Tovcn me, on Itt. Scagam!” as the engine whistle said to the stoker.

POLICEMEN’S GARDENING OPERATIONS. Jawtany.—Turn over common lodging-house beds, and | pull out superfluous shoots where they are too closely planted together. Pick up fruits of intemperance, and plant against wall Feeavary-—Pull up insolent cabmen, and place them nder cover till morning.

Indignant Party. CALL ME AN EXTRA “Waar? PERSON 7?” PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR A SHILLING FOR THE Cabman. “Ou! pon’t I THO’ !”

Marcu APRIL. May. Transplant young | sheltered spot, and pro tect aay tulips. Domestic Ecovomy preserves peace without it family y jars. |

an In ood jin Two MILES, Look after the sowing of wild oats, | cold water on the operation Watch young sprigs « | they have a tendency to run wild. AND greens when picked of nobility, and prune where up to 1854. A SIXPENCE and throw

AGREEMENTS. Tuere is no duty on agreements be’ ween po- lieemen ; bat all p tice- men, when on duty, are ex ayree—es aim te giving their evidence. When one of the public refuses to come to an agreement with « peers the duty will depend on the number of words; butét is sometimes the prac- tiee, if the words are numerous, to sub-<titate an indenture for an agreement, by adminis- tering a broken head; and thus the duty would | seem to amount to two half-crowns.

Exreeme Patnas- THROPY.—A Teetotaller has started in a whaler with the philanthropic object of seeing wh ther he cannot conve t the Bottle-nose whales to temperance, and in- dnee them to turn away from the Bottle. Way should « gen- tleman, on gy a visit to a wid her a suppl of tobacco? ~— Becanse he finds her in weeds. War is there more Catholicism than Pro- testantism in Ireland? BESIDES. WHY, YOU DON'T

How to Weep rour Frresps.—Any particular misfortune will weed them. For instance, if yon give them a violent tarn with an imaginary Bankruptey, or send a fictitious Insolvency cutting through the whole field of them, you will soon have it well weeded. Im short, harrow them in the best way you ean, and the weeds cannot fail being collected by the harrowing process. When you have got them in a heap, you had better scatter them to the winds.

Le ZESIPIesaRs f Ne

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SeVYaeeseroannrre’ | =) a? MONTHLY |MEMS. Br « Caney. Jour.—Parties begins to go out | 0’ town. Look ont for aqeage. wich | a reasonable quantity depends on the fare. Un fernales has no right to hany. and always car- fies most. If they lave iton you, | you lay it on them. —N.B. Peo as goes by train can't al wrangte. If your fare's in an‘arry | fer an express, drive slow; you may werry likely be too late, but you'll get the same fare back again, and wot's the hodds you? You can't distress your | master’s ‘ows, unless it's made | worth your wile. Notybeany — change. Never carry no Tre Corvese Strate Surcroyw.— It is probable that the Chine<e Empire will be broken up by the insurvents ; in which case the aid of the celebrated Poo Low will probably be invoked to reunite the | smashed China. Mevicat Exreatesce—A fast | young medical stndent who h«d been plucked at the Hall, and remanded at the Inso vent Court, remarked that he had got more ni out of his profession, than in it. eye, we are told, is getting so dreadfully weak, that it is about to advertise for an articled papil. Portive Tae CaRrT(®) sEerore THe Honst.—This is done when | & groom gives his steed the choice of beans or oats. How to Hepes wire Prorit To Younsetr.—The best way to put up with offence, is to meet it | with a Ma! hat Tue Jotimw Era terminated on July 12th with the Bal Masqué at Drury Lane Theatre. Tas Eye ov tae Law.—This | PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1854. Navenry tirrie Boy

Gee POULTRY FANCIES. a “CocuIn” I? FOR THROWING STONES AT THE FowLs.

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POULTRY FANCIES.—THE PETS. GARDENING OPERATIONS POR JULY. ‘For Fashionable Mammas ) Pur yeur gold frames in muslin bags, and cart away loose furniture to the Pantechnicon, Calculate the relative advantages of foreign, as compared with English Hus bandry, and cultivate whichever Promises to yield the greatest pro- | ft Cut your box at the Opera, and look forward to Spa watering for the autumn. Transplant the elder branches of your establi«b- ment to the seaside, and the younger sprigs remove to the aur- sery. Hoe your tradesmen their bills for the season, and lay plants fo run up fresh ones at the place | you think of vegetating in. Graft | -~E- on windew-frames, la- lied “ To Let,” and stiek your servaets on board wages. Clear out your husband's purse ; or, if he is rather backward this yewr, shut him up in back kitehen; and, acreening yourselves, like mush- rooms, from the daylight, drill the policeman to say “ the family have | gone out of town for the season.” Port, set sor Iurort.— You | seldom meet with « glass of genuine old port; most of the wine so called being no more than elder-ly. How To Forces « Compiwnw. —The heat of « ball-room ts the most efficient for this forcing.— It remains to be ed whether the compliment, like a pt » any the sweeter for the ng, though it ts very clear that the frame of mind, in which a compli- ment is generally forced, cannot be filled by the most generous warmth of feeling, or else it would never think of forcing that which will not come of its own free accord Old Lady,“ Watt, ue uss Grows; axp, REALLY, I THINK HE MIGRT LEAVE OFF THOSE FROCKS, AND HAVE 4 SUIT OF CLOTHES LiKE mis Brorner’s.”

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MONTHLY MEMS By a Caney, Parliament's mostly " and it would be the Cabbies if it never wn agir In the dog-days * mouths must be washed especially down the road; ; fare's a rite sort, see your mouth washed out red for a distance, drive and remember, he that the p spiles the ‘oss. As » would all be done by their they could, mind you do an you'd be done by. Avoid this month

vcua.—The simplest ance is the streteher ary mode of conveyance collar, when the party ally sald to “stand Kometimes a simple has peenliar append- as when a party is taken | skirte of the eoat, which ee another party in the act {“tenantin tail.” The ary draft conveyance is the ar WHICH WE PAUSE R A BEPLY any account of the dome of Paul's to be found in the esday Book at the British om ? Day breaks,” as the alma- acke prophesy, will that affect self only, or will the bank- tey extend to the firm of y A¥D Mantiw?” | fun Oty Owe.—Every man eves the “only honest lawyer” be his own—until the “ honest wyer” has sent him in his bill osta HOW TO GET A FAMILY TREE. may get a tree of this kind at any time, at Heralds’ and you may have it planted in any county you Decorate it with as many old branches as your imagi- an find wooden material for, and sprinkle it with all e ancient leaves you can sweep together off the various le-fields of your country. By this means you will get a ege I ation « pretty Tree OUS CHINESE DEFINI- TIONS OF MAN. | at sitive Man thrusts his | 2 nto a beehive. | The Contented Man cuts his hair Extravagant Man keeps se coale in a volcano. he Hasty Man drinks his tea with a fork | The Reckless Man is like a dog | 1 a sandage-shop. The Passionate Man picks his teeth with the tail of a dragon. Tae Law's Detay.—If, in the celebrated arbitration-case of Pants and the Apple of Discord, the three gotdesses — V xvas, Juwo, and Miveava—had been each de- fended by counsel, we wonder when the ease would have come toan end? The apple would have been thrown tato Chancery as a matter of course, and the chances are that the celebrated jndgment would not have been vered at the present day! A CURIOUS CHANNEL OF COMPARISON, Warer te, i many points of view, a singular reflection of Periodical Literature, which we were not aware of before we bad looked imto it. For instance, it comes out in sheeta, and whens sufficient quan is issued, it is collected into but how many sheets of water make & volume, we cannot aay. The frost will bind a volume of water ine variety of ways, and it is astonish- ing the number of volumes every year that are “ bound in Russia; and there is this further resem- blance between Literature and Water, that, send them up by any high preasure you please, they are both ph sare, after a time, to find own level. A charge of infantry A charge of cavalry An interesting charge ,, An infamous charge

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PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1854.

YACHTING. | be Tue Spare Bep (Berto WE MEAN) ON BOARD OUR FRIEND'S ScHOONER. _ observed that the fattest and A POLICEMAN’S SCALE OF CHARGES. A loaded cannon. Half-a-dozen boys in custody A horse taken to the Green-yard. An “unprotected female.” Halt-price at a theatre. The National Debt The usual bill at an hotel. — SMAI EE SD || ~ > a C6 GN Ad MM ass ae AF f ———— - Se y as her dinners. SSS pe le pn gr

THE MOUSTACHE MOVEMENT. Fred. “ How po You Like THE ALreration, Biaycus?” Blanche. “ Waat ALTERATION, DEaR !” Fred. “ Wuy, wana rr !—saven’t I cur orr my Bearp ayp Movsracatos!” dren’s sake require change of air

THE RITES OF HOSPITALITY. Iv Hospitality has ite “rites,” it has also its wrongs. For instance : If Hospitality gives you a bad dinner and a bad glass of wine, would you call that a “ rite,” or a wrong? If Hospitality takes the warmest seat near the fire, and leaves you shivering at the other end of the room, should you instance that as a “ rite,” or a wrong?

CURIOUS CHINESE SAYINGS. Wuew a man seeks advice and z = 3 Q | ? 4 5 (4 VV att 4 a : 4 Hat id cd i NEGATIVE WISDOM. We never knew a “Selling off,” where the Pe were not in- in Selling. i We never met an tour- ist who could ee chen of beer without inwardly

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Tm aristo very 1 the op upon 4 Sever been r Frene' foreing profus latter daylig thing Pinks | marriec half the HOW BI A Br MENT, — what a | deficien: requires most, a pliment it, as i Possesae a “Bit ment.” A Bir

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MONTHLY MEMS. By « Cappy. Szrremprr.—Town gets fat, and you must look sharp. Gents and ‘oases ankers | If led up about | after waterin’ places. distance, swear through but avoid ped . men,” werry wholesome, and if neglected, is apt to bring on fevers and unripe fruit — especially 'winkles. Ocrossr. — Weather gets raw, and Cabbies should be dressed accordin’ and thin, Leaves begin to fall, so let Cabbies look | to their licenses. Little doin’ in town, but of that little Cabbies bas a right to their share. Masters can't expect any money this month, so you grab all ey get, and spend it, wich it's no use pullin’ you up if you ‘ve got nothink. HOW TO GROW A PINK OF FASHION. Tis Pink must be planted in the most aristocratic soil. The mould should be the very mould of form. It grows mostly in the open air, and Relgravia may be looked upon as the great nursery for t Pinks. Several favourable specimens, also, have been reared at the theatres, the Italian and French operas, and similar fashionable foreing houses. It is met with in great profusion at the balls of the nobility. The latter specimen, however, cannot bear the daylight. It is put into a hot bed the first thing when carried home in the morning, and there it remains closed up and almost dead until the evening, when it just begins to lift its drooping head. It is about twelve o'clock at night that it is seen to the most blooming sz | Your Pink of Fashion is watered with a liquid called champagne, and, if it fe at all faint, « little piece of chicken and ham, and a few crumbs of bread, applied to the mouth of the delicate flower, will revive it wonderfully. It is a very tender plant, though it has been known to bloom for two or three seasons. The greatest care, however, is requisite to keep it from the cold, for its beauty is so sensitive, that the slightest neglect will nip it in the bud. The Pink is of several colours, but the | white with a beautiful maiden blush is the | This Pink | very high, and, | though not distinguished for any particular | specimen the most preferred. usually carries its amount of scents, still it iseagerly taken in hand im seciety for its (s)talk. The Pink of Fashion is mostly single, but cases of double Pinks have been recorded. The double(or married) Pink, however, does not excite one half the interest of the one that is single. . s, not j doesn't suit Cabbies. Drains is colera. Avoid | FOR 1854. CONCLUSIVE TABLE-TURNING EXPERIMENT MADE AT GREENWICH. “Tarre, Orp Ferra! Hope You 'Re SATISFIED IT GORS ROUND Now.” “On Yesu ! THERE’Ss NO MISTAKE!” [ These subjects are submitted, very reapectfully, to the Reverend (/) Gentlemen who hold 80 much conversation with Furniture. HOW TO MAKE BITTERS. A Birrer Compr | uewrT.— Ascertain in what a person is most | deficient, or what he requires or wishes for | most, and then com- | pliment him slyly on it, as if he actually possessed it. Thatis | a “Bitter Compli- | ment.” A Birres Tavrs.— If a person has any defect, snch as a club foot, or a squint, or bad teeth, or an ugly wife, or has lost « leg, or his hair, and | you remind him of it; or if be has been | guilty of anything | he has reason to be | ashamed of, qgch as | writing in the maga- — HAND. Table (loquitur). “Don’t you Ss l oil, UL orewbaitt et REMARKABLE CASE OF TABLE TALKING. SONG OF THE HAT-TURNER BY OWE WHO HAS MOVED Iv THE HIGHEST CIRCLES, | Aw. round my hat I tare until I'm i Of Allround my hat, 'spiteof Mn. Panavay : And when anybody asks me the reason why it turns so, I tell him what from reason sounds far, far away. } Bome say the action's muscular, and some it is While call it humbug in « scien- | tifle way : And some there ere assign it to an agency Satan’ And vow the devil's in it if there's not the deuce to pay. | Yet all round my hat I still persist in turning, Unbeeding what the sceptical and seien- tifle say : y: And tho’ perbaps a character for verdancy I'm earning, I've nothing else to turn to for whiling time away. POP GOES THE QUESTION, “Por goes the question,” people a very pretty dance. & pop that has always been exceedingly lar, and is revived from time to time, Sa much from necessity as fashion. The Step is a ve one; but though asually as difficult, yet a little | to make the gentleman a rapid | | | | boldness and address is al! that is required jent. The steps are taken as follows ;—Gentle- man advances and bows to lady; chasse to lady's side; hands across: balances, and set (on « chair), Lady (makes) ad- vances, and retreats (into herself ); gentle- man follows (up his advantage), and balances (on the chair); lady's chain (of endearments) ; cavalier seul ; set (to work ;) right and left (with small talk); heads round (with exeitement); down the middle and up again (with prepared speeches) ; ntleman takes lady's hand; lady with- } cen it; poussette; right and left; hands creme; geeeunen drops on one knee, and turns lady (to bis purpose); grand round (of arm about the waist), op goes the — / This step is generally concluded by the figures joining hands, and uniting in « ring. he usual finale to the step is childish in the extreme. Aine To Reriection vor Lapizs.— The side-lights of a look ing-glaas. AN ENORMOUS STRAWBERKY. Tre long-lost son BELIEVE nim, Mcm—I’m wor Manocany, sur I’M VENEERED aND SECOND. [Table dances about on its legs for a considerable time and vanishes in a blue lame.

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nm & Pusito Diwwen—A dry toast is but poor ainment; bat when well buttered, it is palatable Ps AU fy fy te ~ . ! / {if } > U | ~~ —“ é + os - —_ tf WWI Ud ed Lt) Wa mi! | y Hy) MMi iityilt (a) ell Hi Bases ov true Woov.—Children whose miaintenance is { Hamier’s Apvicz to Lapres.—“ Put your bonnet to his provided for by @ | right use; ‘tis for the head” —and not for the poil. hah ity! || | Wi tH f Wat i H Th | EAI IN) Wh | PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1854. War does 2 man become a Chimney-sweep?—Bechuse it | Men call money “ blunt,” and yet talk of eutting off their heirs with a sh ie af | re Ww i eg oe Dean MR, THE STEEPLE-CHASE. “*CAUTION.—No Horseman WILL, ON ANY ACCOUNT, BE ALLOWED TO FOLLOW THE RACEHORSES OVER THE STEEPLE-CuasR CouRss.’ I SHOULD 4 LIKED TO HAVE POPPED OVER THIS BRoox!” Second Gent thinks they had better not interfere with any of the Regulations. First Sporting Gent (reads) HOW PROVOKING ! = ey = py ee | Eccasraic ‘Srmrre.—It is odd that visiters from the other | world should rap at tables instead of doors.

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MONTHLY MEMS. By a Cappy.’ Novempes.—Fogs this month may be turned to account in many ways by the industerous. Always take time-fares. You can always lose yourself, and the thieker the fog is, the thicker you can it on. Also, remember fares change can't see the colour o’ yeur money. If you've a y —4-. your master, now's your to an ‘ons. Likewise articles left in a fog ain't aa likely to be mist. If you've gots coat, now double the eape, or out for rheumatics, DecemBer. aa bmp ain't to leave the can keep the pot a bilin’ ii by oa slides on the pavement. gents tumbles down, -s ‘on night for walking in «uch weather. Remember barrels of oysters, and reas -nable luggage, and eod-fish, should be charged as Pretty pickins at the stations; what with turkeys and geese, it's hard if a poor Cabby can't drop into a Christmas denmer. Goose-clabs comes off, and Olriet- mas boxes at the theaytres; bur av-dd the pantymimes, wich children only reckons t#o as von, and fathers o' families is pr ne bad pay—always aggles, and tries to shove in an odd ‘un, Ig o-n- clusion, let Cabbies stick together, and they'll soon make Com- missiowzR Marwe turn tail. If you goes to church, migd you prays for Me. Frrznoy as drev us todespiration. I wonder where he expees to go if hever he gits inte a cab! A Boor.ess Joxe.--The ready- made shoe-shops only keep one PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR om LITERAL, Young Lady. “Prax, Capmany, aRE You EncacEp?” HOW TO PLOT OUT AN EVENING PARTY. Srrr card-rack for most respect- | able acquaintances. Frame in- vitations with lace-borders. 8 | drawing-room quite clean, shoot rubbish into back bed-room. Map out an artificial parterre on floor with chalk. Sow seed for seed-cake. Gather mustard for sandwiches. Beat about the bush for berries aud ris. them in boats, ee upas in old man ——_ aa green- te ye Berlin baus on ~ ep Buy «tip and gather flowers _ ne arington Arcade for yous you sEarty’ tints their beds, but the e stick in library with — & = traps for rich young men. Plant | yourcompany in rows and couples, | and set reneicians in fall blow in ecorver of drawing-room. When | they are a little faint, water them | with Sherry. Hang wallflowers |} round the room ria « for com- pliments, and run up a flirtation | wherever you can faeten one Above all, nail a husband, or else your plot will be without itv greatest ornament and centre. A Tuitvo Neven Seen —A man does not grieve so much over the loss of hie hair. He will even |} dinpense with the services of a | wig, but you never saw a women et appear in society with a bald tt Taw Meap ayy True Heevs— The highest classical and mathe- matical attainments may be in- sufficient to procure any standing in society; but the most ele- mentary instruction in dancing | places the student in the first size, for each shoe is » foot long. Cabmen. “ Lem Bimss yer, Miss, wor I've sry MARRIED rus seven reaps.” | position, ‘Guanagpnases Buroumnt —@ritlesase not satisfied withan Qvatirication vor Lapy's Groom —As a | Overs Pamosorny—A good name for « brilliant su artist's picture being hung, drawn, and quartered (ia the Royal = young man is preferred who has no character to from a Philosopher— one who merely touches on the surface Academy), but they must afterwerds proceed to cut it pad any last place. things—would be “ E.xcrno-P.iato.’ Second Gent thinks they had better not interfere with any of the Regulations. Hd Pe = ——— Se = PRIVATE THEATRICALS. ~VSN Dusmay or Ma. James Jessamy OX BEING TOLD THaT BE WILL spo T8R Waows Taine vy BE DogsN’r suave Ory nis Wumcrns!

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PUZZLES FOR CHRISTMAS. Ascertarm the weight of public indignation, and find the num ber of scruples it contains Feney yourself at Smithfield Market, having the care of two Mad Bulls, and ask yourself if it would be possible to irive the Mad Balls into Thame Oxon “3 —a Ja Bs eos b gow. ap) Sa . . Lia} S22 = —— : oe Ais! z - GZ aa = oe -_ ’ =P | 7 Vi fa a. Sen VY 7 y mB | 17 | 4 the | Champa spirits make rapping the spirit t When the ers by the alphabet, it is because «tter and md by POLoGY ror Taste Rarrive mistakes in rapping out ans awer is underst an r ( A Pwzzie ror Sra playing at Chess. A snatches all the men off the board, when B making a sudden move upsets the table. Who wins the game ? Repwce to a square yard the whole of any given cabman’s unmeasured abuse {| f fis, ? PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1854. UNTow A (aged 6) and B (aged 9) are A Dewicats Femuate—A mince matters. good Cook deserves this - lation. She is always doing nice things, and is scvusteases $ Iuportaw? TO Botcners.—A new Joint-Stock Company is with cheap meat. about to be formed for the purpose of supplying the public Vy Zens, : TI Pan d a7 Ay wrt Pam ‘ Row-now Morro.—For the British Musewm Catalogue, “ It was not for an age, but for all time.” Tas Stex oy 4 Max wno Daunrxs.— The public-house | + Torxey’s Reat Dayorn—Christmastime. Sign. | Wey isa hen sitting, like « painted coat of arms bung | up for a person’s death ?— Because it is a hatch meant (hatchment). y a Y VY , yy, g fiir aN ee Gia Expensive Purasvas.— Whatever amount of “cooing” there may be in our Honeyme on, We may be pretty sure of having a fearful amount of “ bill-ing.” | FROZEN-OUT FOX-HUNTERS. Why do we know that CLrorataa did not wear Pockets ?—Because she puts her Wiper in her Bosom Tue Tuve or Evenine Paatiza.—The White Choker, former with your Effects. in the relation of logical sequence; the Purcosorny or Emparnassxp Cracumstances.—The Man in Pos- latter is connected with your Causes and the session stands tc the Attorney Taz Hsien? or Ixcowventerce.—There is a man, where in America, who is so tall, that he is obliged to run up a ladder every time he brushes his hair. Has the man who was “taken by surprise” come back ? : ?

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st | ee ——| Ee OS oe ee ee TS OR ST Oa amount of “ bill-ing.” NEW YEAR'S EVE IN GUILDHALL. AN APOLOGUE FOR ALDERMEN, HE Pigeons of Guildhall, meek emblems of civie imnocence, had folded their wings within their nests, and were slumbering in peaceful forgetfulness of the hall wherein “the love of the turtle” had so often ki “the rage of the vulture” in the breasts of those to whom a a dentally © dyspeptic dove, fancying himself the’ iabshitant of ( i a dyspeptic dove, fancying B tant of a pie, would stunt from is uneasy dream, flap his wings, and utter a plaintive coo, but this passed, as one may say, in a coup d’ail, and silence once more reigned in the hall. Goo and Macoc, contrary to their usual custom, preserved an unbroken taciturnity, and stood knitting their shaggy brows and blinking their great eyes in profound and painful meditation. But the 8 which now chimed out the mystic hows 4 — —— ag on ray reverie, rw ingi ightly from their pe » the to illuminate the hall ipping several rods of office in moonshine—a process which, as Gos ally remarked, would give light enough for civic purposes. This done, they unbolted the great door, and gave admission to a crowd of and women attired in festive though quaint garments, wearing on their countenances an anxious expression traceable, no to the cause which had “ Sieklied o'er with the pale east of thought, The native hue of sturdy Goo and Macos.’ colossal warders, stationed on either side of the door, received isi cloaks, hats, and swords of eS ba | AU ti =f | know when my master, Wu.c1aw Hanpet, quitted the mayoralty and thi — an —. thereon, in which we! — an Wye hye | the green fields and pleasant pastures, which t ospita t | hear the fowles singen and maken , and to see the sote flowers spri | in the a a side of Turnmill Brook. And, had I mi | toarneys, and many no of arms, done to win a jook from ladies’ once been held the brightest. And now in place of the sweet pastures I | where the lists had been used to stand; and when, thinking that the | spirit, I asked of a boy if ever an anker dwelt there yet, he made answer, that VoL. xxv B ee e§ gar’ 2 = . I 3 s 3 3 | ie The 2 $ é é E + ‘ sé 3 4} a 3 z : =. i z 4 < : i | 3 rE rf fr

=

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the Three Drovers, in Long Lane, had good mild ale, and that their early purl was stunning, whereat | marvelled much.” Dame Katuenrtne’s lamentations loosened the tongues of all in her neighbourhood. “ Where are the walls?” criedone. “ In the sewers,” answered another. “Where are the wells, and brooks, and bosses of fair water?” asked a third. “Choked with dirt, or turned into ditches,” replied a fourth, “I found the chapel wherein I was baptised oa married,” said a fifth, “doing service as the cellar of a broker's house. ‘The fellow told me that some people, whom he called a society of antiquaries,” (here Stow and Reyne Wor groaned audibly) “ visited it about once in twenty years to note the progressive accumulation of dirt in it. One of them wanted to buy and take away a quaint corbel that had grinned at me during mass for fifty years; but the broker and he had not as yet been able to agree upon the price.” My masters and mistresses all,” said Gos, in his blandest tones, “while you are lamenting the disappearance of objects naturally dear to you, the institutions of the City are themselves threatened. Charges, often made in the old time against the magnates, are now bruited about on all hands. ‘They are accused of using the power their station gives them to advance the interests of their own relatives. Dost thou remember, worthy Master Geranrp Bat, how, when the King made thee refund forty pounds which thou hadst taken, during thy Mayoralty, from the Victuallers, thou didst murmur ‘ Heu/ Domine, ex hiis possem jiliam meam maritare !’ [f thou dost, thou canst sympathise with the modern magnates. They are accused, too, of wasting the revenues of the City, just as thou, Simon Frrz-Mary, didst in thy shrievalty ; for the which and for other pravas et detestabiles mores, thy aldermanate was taken from thee. Thou, Simon, wast the founder of Bethlehem Hospital, and it concerns thee to know that a Governor of that house whose name differs but little from thine, is one of those men, and seeks to excuse their conduct. And, moreover, they are accused of taxing the commonalty to benefit themselves—a fault which thou, Guiietme cum Barsa, didst allege against thy compatriots. It will soothe thy perturbed spirit to know that those who play thy part now-a-days are COMMON INFORMATION. ERTAINLY We were gratified to observe that, at the Wolve- sey Training School Meeting at Win- chester, Lorp Asu- BuRTON had an- nounced that prizes would be awarded for a knowledge of common —_— things. Without the inten- for these prizes, we may remark that colds and chilblains are common things at the present time: though headaches and bilious disor- ders, from over- indulgence inplum- pudding oad the other delicacies of the season, are much more common. Other affections, of a more sentimental nature, contracted in consequence of polking, waltzing, and Schottische dancing, are likewise common : and Pop Goes the Weasel has become so common as to be a bore. Holly and mistletoe are common—the latter giving occasion to a ceremony | both common and—just now—proper. Christmas-boxes are common to postmen, or ought to he, considering how wretchedly that deserving class of men is paid. This festive period is not the time for considering whether, amongst common things, the House of Commons ought or not to be included, together with the Common Pleas, the Common Council, and the Common Serjeant, | or military, as also Doctors’ Commons, amongst the various institutions which were—originally at least—intended for the good of the community. We will only express our conviction that it is very desirable to promote a knowledge of common things; for the knowledge of common thmgs is less general than the knowledge of common oho however, although we may be saying what has been often said before, we wish the reader a happy new year, RATHER TOO NICE. Aw extreme Teetotaller of our acquaintance has declared his inability to sympathise with Turkey, for fear of being accused of an adherence Porte. to the tion of competing | like to be more successful than thou wert, and that the magnates are lice to come by the worst.” At these words a great clamour arose in the hall, but presently Srow was heard to say: “ We have heard our good friends Master Gizors and Dame Hanpet to speak at length of changes in this city, | book of mine | et further changes to be | passed upon those by whose neglect those alterations first complained | whereof, indeed, [ have set down somewhat in a little own; and Master Goe hath assured us of of came about. Now in respect of buildings and their decay, I have not only read in old records of dwellings destroyed to make room for yours—as, indeed, some report that a Roman temple stood where Master Gizouns dwelt in after time—but I have seen hearths and pavements of Roman brick and tile dug up some twenty feet from under the houses which you and your fathers built, And in regard to eivie government, Masten Henay Fitz-Auwrm, here, will tell us | ‘ovosts, | that before his time the city was ruled by port-reeves and and that the aldermen hiad no part in its government until he had been some time mayor. in a continual flux and change, and that the manners of the coming age will surely overcome those of the present time, as the buildings of to-day are reared upon and overcrow those of yesterday, and as one | generation of citizens hides its predecessors and their works under the dust of its feet:—a piece of doctrine, which may thee, Master Gizors, and to reconcile thy friends, Master Gos, to their inevitable fate.” The hall-keeper, dozing by the fire in his lodge, was roused by the sound of voices in the hall. “ Drat it!” said he to his wife, “I could a sworn I’d locked it ; them plaguey boys must have got in. Ill sto their larks.” He rose and peeped into the hall, but no sight or pa met his eye or ear. It was empty, dark, and noiseless. “ Werry odd,” said he, as he returned to the fire, “It must have been them | pizeons;” and Goce and Macoe, who heard him, shook on their pedestals and chuckled, one to another, “ The pigeons! Ha! ha! ha! the pigeons !” CHRONOLOGY OF REMARKABLE EVENTS. Prospectively caleulated by our own Clairvoyant. 1854. City Improvement begins. Temple Bar and Lonp Mayor’s Show end. 1556. Restoration of the bonnet to the crown of the head. 1857. Act passed for the Relief of London Lodgers, Prohibition of barrel organs, cats, blunt knives, and door chains. 1859. Teetotalism introduced among the London Cabmen. than three take the pledge at once. 1880. Something useful done by the Sanitary Commissioners. | 1881. Great excitement prevails in lite eircles. A London Author gets a cheque from a New York Publisher. my eaieaee of genuine Havaunah Tobacco Plants at Rich- mond ends. | 1900. A clean street seen in the City. | 1901. Publication of Mr. James’s 2,000th Novel. | 1919. Completion of the Library Catalogue at the British Museam— | up to the letter H. | 1920. A racing prophecy fulfilled. No less 1933. Ventilation of the House of Commons effected. 1945. A London lady for a wager walks down Regent Street with | her husband without stopping at a shawl shop. | 1980. Maine law introduced into England—for an hour or two. 1999. Starvation of Curates ceases. 2000. Restoration of a borrow2d Umbrella to its rightful owner. 2001. Apparition of a Policeman at the moment he was wanted. The Ins and Outs of Palmerston. It appears that the Home Secretary is again “in,” or rather, that he has never been “out;” or, at all events, not so regularly and com- pletely “out” as those who have been speculating on the break up of the Ministry. Ifh:s Lordship left the Government rather abruptly, he at least made up for it by the rapidity of his return, and we can only hope that, on this occasion at least, it will not be found that “ quick returns ” lead to “small profits.” To Parents and Guardians. MARRIED PUNSTER receives a few Pupils at his Residence, and has now a vacancy for Six, at the moderate premium of Thiee Hundred Guineas. | The Pupils are instructed in every branch of the Joking Art, including « solid course | of Conundrums, and every other requisite of a sound facetious education. There is a | resident Professor for the foreign j-u de mot department, and it will be the constant | aim of the principal to bring the minds of his young charges into a condition that will qualify them for the honourable profession to which they aspire. Keferences can be given to the Parents of young Punsters. There is a play-ground for practical joking. | Inclasive terms, Three Hundred Guineas per annum. Wheuce I conclude that all things in this city are | far to comfort |

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PUNCH, OR THE = LONDON CHARIVARL QUESTIONS FOR THE REVEREND N. 8S. GODFREY. Reverend N. 8. Goprrey, 8.C.L., of St. Catharine Hall, Cambridge, and Incum- bent of Wortley, Leeds, has been pub- lishing pamphlets, price "eightpence, and holding forth at ) - Hanover ee ms — admission Two Shillin One "Shilling—on the subject of Tiss | Turning, to which he gives the rather catching second title of “ ye Devil’ s | Modern Masterpiece.” Tis price eightpence, of which the “| edition” is before us, he Ao... aus “the result of a course of experiments.” As the reverend gentleman to know all about it, we should obliged if he would answer one mestions we desire to put AS. Hel pe 5 Hf FF “BE SF be glad if the Revue . 8. Goprrey would tell us if, m t table with an impediment in its s cech, or a stuttering table, or a table with a hesitation in its delivery. We would also inquire of the clerical rimentalist, if a table, like any other | ing machine, may be known by the company it keeps ? and whether a table that has been accustomed to low societ will be addicted to low lancuage? If! this should be the case, one would be naturally cautious in chasing second-hand furniture; for a table that has passed its tite in a gambling-house, for instance, might have become so dreadfully loose, that no reliance could be placed upon it. Such a table seems to have fallen into the hands of the Ri vexenp N. 8. Goprrey, for on its being asked “‘ How many iies have you told us to- night?” we are told that “ the table rapped Brink thirty-eight times,” as if the mendacious bit of iture was reveling i in the fact of his fick ex having extensively humbugged his reverend questioner. As we a told this pious authority that the table always begins with ‘ crack,” we cannot rised at the immense number of ‘ none to which it confessed at the close of the conv ersation. Perhaps, el ever, the last might have been the greatest “crack” of all; and we | should therefore be glad if the REVEREND N. 8S. Goprrey would tell | us, why the confession of a series of “ cracks ” should be more entitled | to credit than any other “crack” to which the table may give | expression. THE FIRST DOG OF EUROPE. | Ix a good book in which Mr. Crumsnayk (we do rot mean our) Temperate friend, George) deseribes the African Gold Coast, he says— | “ The Africans are exceedingly fond of pictures in their rooms. Gzorox THE Fourrn, in his Coronation robes, may be seen Gas for space with Punch and bis Dog Toby | as they appear in the frontispiece of his publication.” Mr. Punch has a popune eFemetel y renders him perfectly in-! different to all insult ; nae! is reque y Toby, who is of a more ex- citable disposition, to he is quite incapable of such a dispute as is here attributed to Where Gzorce tHe Fourtn, with or without his coronation robes, is admired, Toby declines to compete for homage, and nothing but the ignorance of these poor blacks can excuse ar GzorGe within perfume-reach of Toby, However, Todby| that missionary exertions may teach these + le to set a juster ue on public ytoemed A SEASONABLE CONUNDRUM. War is a cold the best exercise for the nose ?— Because the former usually sets the latter running. | | resent wear} on. , Att rs THE Downs.—The way in which ladies at their bonnets has been called the “neck plus ultra” of fas HINT AND HYPOTHESIS. Suppose a young Foreigner crosses the sea, In a vessel with Mammon not quite overladen, And, coming to En , the luck hath he To win the ‘of a true English maiden. Su that her hand bay of her heart friends who ha = eel m childhood right dearly, Settle, gladly, on him, f from ie teens ‘ll say thirty = le yearly. se they note! him to et and /éle, aoe hi wath jowea, and A, Le ae ; im an And load him, i take him to lay a first stone, offer him trowel and hammer ; and when be mshi Hoes honcny the tone, Applaud the goed sense, and forget the bad grammar. ‘Bu pokemons fe aye, he pleased them wie towns ee Now, suppose that his wife has a trust of her own, Conferred her Guardian, not much of a burden, , to that Guardian alone, — iB. JaRwpyce bestowed on Dawe Durpey. That so y and well she administers rule, Cele g her work, both in letter and spirit That her ee oe (suppose that his name is Jonn Bot) Would ficor the Soot tones man who should question her merit. Now, if her young spouse, who has drawn such a prize, Behaves like a trum the first years of their union, And even takes pains, by a = device, To bring her and her neighbours in closer communion, If he joins, like a man, in the sports of her friends, Goes shooting, and fish ing, and hunting, and yachting, And comes out so well that the prejudice ends, That foreigners can’t help intriguing and plotting. What a favorite he ws with the high and the low, (With on ~~ as ee an —anten ut su talked over we know— He ee ne ohnor observe that his tactics an shifted. That he meddles in matters which one might believe His former good taste would enjoin his ese ng, While, concerning some others, he ought oe perceive A graver objection to do what he’s doing. That he talks to his wife on her Guardian’s concerns, Over which she should have unrestri¢ted dominion, And is often! imes greatly displeased when he learns She has done any business without his opinion. That when she’s disposed, at the urgent desire Of her Guardian, to order some = —— eee He seeks to dissuade her because it Some friends of his own wish to settle th the pleadings. That he’s losing the name he so quickly acquired By a gentleman’s highminded scorn of disguises, Giving up the frank bearing old Buut so admired, For mysteries the hearty old fellow despises. Su ne all this—or a portion at least— ep unch, who knows neither to fear nor to flatter, aioe that the wind will set strong from the Kast The day Jouw Burt Jagyprce gets wind of the matter. =. = Caution to Wags. GenTLemMes are particularly requested not to make any jokes before ladies in frosty weather, as the lips of the gentler sex are so by the cold, that the slightest langh occasions them to crack. CON BY A COUNTRYMAS, Q. Wuew is an Ox not an Ox? A, When he ’s turned into a meadow. '

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: PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI- OUR DEAR OLD PATERPAMILIAS TAKES HIS OFFSPRING 30 sxx THE PaxtomTue. Uxrontiwiteny, “tae Roads” (as tue Canuan says) “1s so OrrrpuL BAD AND SuLipry,” THAT HE IS OBLIGED To: WALK> with BIS Dakiincs THE GREATBR PART OF TUE WAY HOME, . Miss Emily. Oh, Georce! How can you? — THE DOMESTIC REFORMER ; Mr... It’s perfe i dg, il you, Si to read inthis room. GzonGE, OR, HOW MR. PATERPAMILIAS MADE HOME. HAPPY. give over teasing that will you Siz ' George. 1 wasn’. was teaching him to walk The Action passes in the Villa of Mi. PATERPAMITIAS, like ine Oloeats dog ag Ase He ean do it. ‘ in the neighbourhood of London. nly to soe Poe ;. you_see. the consequence of taking your family to sueh p Their influence.is really enough to counteract SSF as all ee s efforts to direct = minds usefully ry scientifically. Ma. PATERPAMILtAS, (a man of an inquiring, but by mo means robust mind, addicted to you Ea making swans of all, his geese, with a st re an uncon- j quarable habit of writing te fae “ Times.” iene pneaad on P. (severely). The money expended in a box at the theatre | Mas. PaTERFamiLtas (a whose most earnest wish is “ for and quietness,” but | Mi eh be so much better Seavwed. Is there = the Polytechnic ? ( _— peace q ’ ee who looks up to Mx. P. as the impersonation of all that is profound in science, and nae Gere? Oh! ain’t it ror wi, the ah ie ll and elevated in public spirit). electrical : Miss P., Mras Lavra, Miss Exaty, Miss Maticpa, aad “ Tor” (young ladies from sweet Mr. P. L refer to H , GEoRGE. twoonty-tiee to chubby sia). George Well, that’s” » blows himself up, Master P., Masres Groner, MASTER a Macq Newton (young gentlemen know makes st ing nasty His. 7 em Oar ae ries Laura (deprecatingly). Now, Geore can you be so horrid ? Mr. P. My dear, that has not the for science, _ Mrs. P. (mildly). Hasn’t be, my dear ’m sure I used to think he Scene 1.—Showi how Mx. P. broke-ond all dden, aft e podend AS Blue Books in a determined effo to pepailale DE iveae and | — have, he yas aly 26 fond of sag child. household aad sanitary principles. Master , modesty is recommendation). Yes, know all about latent heat and The Drowing. Room of 3s. B.'s Fille Time— After Dinner. Pome, Liiksesione, Ma. P. entrenched i i Den eo round th . gas, “ Mus. P. at work. ‘The poung tai See Sin ey "P. (proudly). Tha Mr at” Berlin Wool, the last New: Ne Groner | What will you do with it? diets Mame a a fore lage. Misrss Newton. Buy a graduated seale, wy a. bottle here. I'm Juther with 2 great barefor Ie pal sphy > ap thal omy oe x. Dietiege Oe rorny piiloreplet). Ga gen Seeng baniog a with a urn in a mysterious ¢ ounce Wiis nant ee waged | —_ rs eas” coe rperunent — mbler Mr. the atus a parental interest). What’s - ~ 4 eae with which he is al, ee surreptitious slop under | this ? + t reall tfal, my dear, to watch the scientific bent | of this dear child ? is it, my dear? . Miss Laura (to Miss Emtxy, is explanation oe Principles o her| Newton. Well, you see, papa, air ex: with heat, and gets lighter, crochet su). You dep two—count six—pass and, so (here a sly reference to his ), if 1 imsert in this bottle half Mrs. P. (in an under tone). Hush! m in Moa ll disturb your | filled with this waler—yon know—this tube—you know—and put it | father. (4 howl from the ill-used and much enduring Scotch terrier.\ before the fire—the air will heat in the bottle, and the {tect *) inwVorve

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4 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 7 VOICES OF BOXING NIGHT. 8S long as we live we shall remember the “Voices of the Night” of the 26th of Decem- clever—I’m sure—quite in the tube, becouse the pressure would be so great on the surface, | you know—and if I could graduate it—you know, papa, it would be a | so Delightful t d did Mr (im —most interesting; my dear—di | you follow the chaie ak. | Mrs. P. (vaguely). Obeyeei was very George. 1 saw him cribbing it ‘al on of the book. Newton, I then. Mr. P. (boxing Guoner’s cars). You mean and envious boy, detracting from your brother’s it, in this way. Go to bed, Sir, this instant. [GrorGE ge | crest -fallen—Mastex Newton triumphs in anot. Mr. P. (turns to the girls). My dears, if I could only see you em- ploying your time a iftle more rationally—more like your youngest rother Miss Laura. ‘apa, only think if we were all to go making such messes about the a. Newry does. Emily. And look how A ag J the ends of his fingers are. . Ah, that was making hyper- Chemist.” monty so dreadfully. Te: but it is very dangerous. One che- in the family. Aa girls were to take to it, I could aa AS Mr. P. Psiiavw'! to Aas ‘Blue Books.) Very interesting reper this on the Ventilation and Warming of the House of Commons, 7. P. Is it, my love? (abstractedly.) Mr. P. Yes. Dx. Rew’s evidence is curious—and Dx. Arwort’s peculiarly valuable. He shows, to demonstration, that in our houses | Mri, P. cogen mist’s quite really don’t think the first principles of ventilation are habitually neglected. Mrs. B. ssdoed How very 4 interesting. Mr. P. proves, elearly, that in iration, the oxygen which | enters the takes away the carbon from the blood and returns | as ei gas, Which is poison—that, in fact, we are continually | poisoni Mrs. B Ger Gracious goodness, Jos#ra! Why, you don’t mean to | ae [ The en ladses peise tn their work, and listen with wide pen ee Seo. » all at this moment giving off the most.peisonous ant that it is a mercy, considering the wretched gc? on which an whieh this house is built—and all houses, for that matter—that we are not found dead in our beds every morning. Mrs. P. \ declare a re i to frighten one to death, Joseru! | Chorus 9 4 ape ‘apa ! Mr. P. it’s wtochancheh fetta dear; I’ve had it on my mind some | i, he iw a jg remedy it timidly) you ’re an going to try any experiments, | my Ay because, you know, they come very expensive. Mr. P. Experiments, Mas. Parerramriias; how can you eal] by! the name of experiment a practical recognition of a great principle of nature ? Mrs. P. aon). Oh, I’m sure I didn’t mean to do that, my dear. Mr. P. determined to have the house ventilated, Mas. Parer- PAMILIAS on I’ve been consulting these Blue Books on the subject. You see I’m suspended between the two principles—of the plenum or vacuum movements. Mrs. P. P Ye, te yp er Oh, indeed, my dear. Mr. P. » you see, is that which blows pure air into the om, so as — an equal quantity of foul air out ; the vacuum that which extracts the foul air from the house and 30 allows the entrance ~~ © pure air. Mrs. P. ully from draughts, my dear ? yon, a and Lavra, and Emry, and Mr. P. We shall yisonous exhalations, Mus. PaTeRr makers of a family, I consider it my duty = ty at any rk a4 to Mn. BrLows—the great practical know, my dear—about it to-day. The an Age cannot naling ae Mrs. P. (who feets a vague dread of whit is hanging over her). Well, I hope it won’t require much doing to the house, my dear. P. That, + PaTERFAMILIAS, is a secondary consideration. My first duty is to my family; my second to my species. I shall com- municate the results of my experience to the 7imes. (These results we hope to show our readers in the next number.) ANOTHER DEPLNITION. Bonnet. An article of dress which no lady of fashion, nowadays, | ever thinks of putting on. ber, 1853, as they played | on the drum of our | affrighted ear at Drury Lane Theatre. But amid all the cries of various descriptions that burst forth from the noisy multitude, there was one which excelled all the rest, and reminded | us of the cry of Ex- | CELSIOR, so powerfully described by Lonerst- Low. The reminiscence has thrown us into a poetical fit, the following convul- ' = sive effort is the i mediate consequence. The Pantomime commenced at last : The Clown across the stage had passed ; A youth, with frantic energy, Commenced the wild eccentric cry, “ Hot Codlins ! ” His throat was hoarse, he Reeth beneath The pressure of exhausted But straightway through the ~- rung The shout—the Bey from on to tongue— “ Hot The youth, with superhuman might, Raising his voice beyond its height, Cracked it, and with a spectral tone He ’twixt his lips went on to groan— ™ Hot Codlins !” “ Don’t try it on,” the poor Clown said ; “T’ye not a note in all my head— I cannot sing.” But far and wide The audience with one voice replied— “ Hot Codlins! “O stay!” the manager expressed ; “ The weary clown rec nires rest.” A voice responded, “ All my eye!” And then 2, wry, ‘the ery Codlins | » “ Think of the work he has to do, Tumbling about the whole ane through.” This was the argument A voice oie my veal’ 8 height— In the last scene, where a combine Round Harlequin and Columbine To bless the fond and grinning pai A voice cried Heoneh the cand air— “ ot ” A little boy: the ground Under the stat was found, the oft-heard ee _ ne away, his sev ay, In lodging very near the sky, Up to the attic came the cry “ Hot Codline! os + Goop News ron Honest Men.—Railway directors are > fall out among themselves.

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| 8 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. bint of the pupil, we transformed the round. IMPERIAL CRIMINAL DISCIPLINE. wody me ERE Nicwonas con- quered and caught— as safe in custody} as any burglar in kingdo — what ought to be done with him, thief of the world as he is, disturber of Furope’s peace and object of and having inquired of the class what was wanted | every, British t@X-| to complete the drawing, we were met with loud | payer's execrations g cries of ‘“ head ” in all directions. This ww at _ One’s first thought 'onee supplied, and we arrived at the annexed is that such a miS- poonlt creant ought to be; — hanged. jut, not to mention any objection that humanity may have to executions, it is to be considered that hangmg is tue punishment inflicted on a GREENACRE for having merely slain and dismembered one Mrs. Browy. Whereas this wretch! Jien a scholar more astute than the rest de- is guilty of the mas-' 1 anded the addition of “e es, nose and mouth,” , sacre of = oma 9 which, as will be seen from the sketch that | persons, whom he, | follows, gave us the drawing ef a perfect animal— with malice prepense, through lust of do- minion, has caused to be eut, hacked, smashed, and beaten to pieces. So that if Mr. Greenacre deserved to be hanged once, the Emperor NictioLtas would receive his deserts only by being hanged a great many thousand times; which is more than could be accomplished by the utmost ingenuity of Mr. CaLcrart. Would it be preferable to try the benevolent system with the Autocrat, and end reform him al soften his heart by means of solitary confinement, or an emendatory diet, combined with the exhortations of a zealous chaplain * Should we do well to shut the despot up in a model cell with a bell and a bible—giving him leisure to meditate on the text “ Vor confundar in aternum ?” Or should we do better by placing him where “our rarer monsters are”—amongst his kindred in the pit with the pole in the middle of it at the Zoological Gardens ? eavour to | - It then became our pleasing duty to ascertain: = = ithe extent to which the drawing would mect | ‘ \ | with recognition, and the class of animal to PUNCH’S SCHOOL OF PRACTICAL DESIGN. which it would be assigned by our youthful oat : pupils. This led to some uncertainty, for there I~ consequence of the publication of a letter from the Department of Science and Art| arose a variety of shouts, in which we distin- informing us that the Department “ will be glad to receive drawings executed in ink lines of | gnished the names of several different animals. any peculiar objects likely to be known and recognised by children,” we have much pleasure} One pupil recognised in the drawing “a cat,” in submitting a few speeimens which we think any child will be able to recognise. Considering | another shouted that it was “a dog,” a third that the object of “the Department ’’ is to supply “examples which the scholars may take| said it was “a hare,” and a fourth remarked home and copy,” and that the time employed Slomnine the art of drawing, “will not amount} that as it was not like any animal that he had to perhaps more than forty hours in the year,” we feel that the amount of proficiency likely | seen, “ it might be the hippopotamus.” to be attained will be about equal to the artistic effort required for copying the specimens} Hoping to be more successful with an inani- we furnish. The “Department” recommends for imitation the example of a Master at| mate object, we drew the following— Chester who has upwards of 1000 scholars under his charge. “ He draws an object on a black board in the presence of the class, explains the mode of holding the pencil, &c., the point for beginning the object, shows the principal lines of construction, &c., catechizes the children about the form of the object and its meaning. Leaving some parts unfinished, he asks them if he has drawn it complete ? if not, where it is incomplete? how it is to be made complete? &c., and thus excites considerable interest in the work among the children. He summons the classes to show their work on their slates. He then selects examples | of the best and worst performances, and criticises them in the presence of the children.” Having taken a black board, we proceeded to draw upon it a round body, thus— | | and had the satisfaction of ing a general cry |of “cab” from the whole class, which proved to jus that our mode of tuition—in conformity with the system of the Department of Science and | Art—had been eminently successful. and our pupils having recognised a hoop, we went on to ask the most intelligent of them| We shall be happy to comply with the request how the round body might be transformed into an animal. A dirty-faced little fellow, | expressed in the circular of Mr. Coxe, and will who had received in all twenty-three minutes of tuition, sagaciously suggested “legs,” | furnish the “ Department” with any quantity showing that he had detected the “incompleteness” of the figure with a sharpness that| that may be desired of the material of whieh the “Department” of Seience and Art would greatly admire. Following ont the! the above are specimens.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. CHILD’S. PARTY IN.DOWNING STREET. empr Yor his young friends.) bua ABERDEEN, as she sat et on New Year's Eve—for | the year rung out, that the i m—“ come, Joa have romped | to ‘pea > you k w. w your : some quiet game. Master CRANWORTH, you sit down on that cushion, and } pot CLARENDON, please to put that bit of lighted eane out of your mouth. No smoking here. Paswy and Jomysy, why do you look so cross at one another ?— x ~ have had a miff again, I know. For shame upon you! FE Cuartey Woop, my dear, you are always in good humour, get | between those two. Guapvy, my child, ul. pul down your slate, you are | an indus : for everything. Now, who we oni Rossen. “In the time of gna Charta, which— ASTER Pamay and one or two | pa Charta. sTER Ossorne. But they all | Rk Osporye’s riddles, becauge | e t Boys Own Book, and of course | they ‘knew MasTER en he then cross > ennetions and crooked answers, dang bw they were all going to a party on the at ame woul be the’ chief sport of the night. So, after some discussion, ioe they should all tell one ‘story. “ All of us in one -_ ?” sid’ little JouN RUSSELL. That will be fun n in that before.” e of you will begin and tell aeantl I call to the next, who his way, and so on with the ourite game in many places, his character by the way he _ began. knitting his he. Mee a few minutes, a to begin. They all set q have Magna Charta again; little fellow, smiled, and went p on scodly cout “ There was, Nick, and he dwelt etity bunt black boots, and a moustache, big giant, whose name was s by an icy river. He wore when he drove about his hy r horses were made to go so fast, that they often fe down dead—for he was acruel giant. He loved to tear people from | their happy homes, and send them down dreadful mines, where the sun | never comes, or to shave their heads and make soldiers of the em, and | have them half-starved until they were killed in doing his wicked work. Ale was a great lar—” a dear,” Grandma, “I do not like this beginning. all about the poor giant, who may have been | Per you ‘do not a creature and done these things for th the best.’ and of all the I know him,” shouted that audacious Pamuy, “ _ Grandma, “ . is not your turn yet. | ton the ™ Hold your tongue, Sir,” Go on, Jommwy, but be on: w = to hesitate, “ this | x happy country we have and | will explain it. In n called ns—’ | randma, seeing the party | we, speaking very fluently | sm of their ruler, conceived One was to kill him, as 5 to expel him, as in that of him to sign a charter of vam free to confess myself, unable to his has to do with Master Russew’s nar-| rative. Twill chetoftee’say that this Nicx, being one day in a great rage, determined to rush pone Sener ® — and commit all kinds of ravage. he sent soldiers beg ha sh to throw people off heir guard, he said his prayers very Now this neighbour had _ strong friends, who wished to rng im, s0— “So what, Master CLanewpow?” said Grandma. “So,” yt! em CiarEspos, “they wrote a lot of pretty notes, not in ¥ mar, I believe, to Nice. telling him he didn’t | ought to ye Things, and offering that the neighbour, whose name | | was Apput, should give him money to keep off and leave him alone. the’ > : So re ee eget ere gee « are protest precisely resembling physi | this thse Protestant principle, th as it involves disclosures to t But ABDUL be hy ing to stand this, so he up with his flag, and comes out to £ Naat on. by Jove, walked: into him like— “ Like what, Tek Moteswortu ?” asked Grandmi a. “ Like a savage,” said Masten Moteswortu, “ For in an old book | whieh I am very fond of, called H it says, that man’s natural state is a state of war, and 1 agree with on to 4 certain extent. If we are p to congede that the best condition of a human being is that which is most likénature, need be no hesitation in going to battle w er “oe What, ’ wae not ‘le ae eee ts I Be *T don’t know what Anput’s like cowards and donkeys, But rr id to the others, * Let’s cdl by that would time about |and when : have found his to the ro r ou — all the others exeited also, much displeased Grandma or i = going to him a severe lecture, when | the anes 7 end by the Bells dashing out into a fi wished one another a happy new year, and MR. PUNCH WISHES YOU THE SAMP, Table Showing the Probable Duration of Life. (100 Representing the chance of living longest.) Railway Traveller é ° Sees Soeamemints Metsber of the Boece Society” Table- Mover, of Balloonatie _ arliamentary Reporter ‘ the Priests] ey ae i . Simcome Tax, on account of their ,incomes beimg ved from voluntary contributions—in that respect cians’ and fees. Consistently with also Tax missioners. Tne Goipew Meax.—Misers. i | thropists hold—” et observing that this i for d be glad to keep in his g way in Ireland, even among | of those reverend gentlemen , to the Confessional, in as far |

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1) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Ah! the poet from the effort of as feebly oe Ah! beneath the weight tremendous his imagination sinks Seeing always is believing, seeing only can explain, | All the pantomimic wonders they ’re canting oer again. =— —==3 | HIPPOCRATES AND BACCHUS. | A Socrety has been formed for the Rs mnie procuring the legis- | lative prohibition of the sale of fermented liquors, except for han i purposes. Should a law to that effect be enacted, the only question will be, what purposes are, or not, medicinal; but that —- be rather what is termed a poser. For : le, Morte ons is a disease. and if brandy-and-water is permitted te be Giles cases of mental | depression, there will be no end to eld its up ot pouring oexite. down. A dram i is a popular and pra Ma a remedy for @ pain im it e interior, but if that is to be allowed as-an Tike 4 it, the majority of the population will be -aches. Some people may think to settle the difficulty refering to medical English Liquor Law, treating strong drinks mira woul ta ‘rate be a boon to the medical profession. For that a | payeioiae now prescribes, he would have to preseribe thousands, if im im were vested the privilege of prescribing draughts of ale. One wonders in what terms a doctor would frame his recipe for the com- plaint that deans and chapters, for instance, are apt to be troubled with after dimer. Perhaps in some, such as the > one . Vin: Alb: Hispan: seu Rubri quant : suff - cujus sumatur cyathus , urgente | siti: which would be a technical order for prin or Fo a5 Or the a memos ee mp: Oy : gradatim, post prandium, hau et ean be gt wine you like to be drunk bed es ater diner if necessa Another prescription Sots of ot spced ir wine, conc uding with the pane ty VERY INCONSIDERATE. let a Bishop be made, to be taken, i Small glasses of | brandy might be prescribed pro re , and an alcoholic N.B. Sproontneron has just been endeavouring to impress his com-'| mixture might be ordered by the f ~~ pileo dormitorio, panion with the idea that he is quite a blasé man wpon town.) hord somni sumend :--wix tor a ~4. to be pik y oa In Little Newlad. “Hatto, Srooxrycroxy, wow ane you? War, | Surgery-windows we should see, in great gilt letters, apr 7 you've Gor “Srick Urs” LIKE ME!” as Carevisia Londinensis, XXX Opt : or eeu ieemaion o Integra. A new feature would have to be i into soedica! SS — == edueation, and the examiners at Apothecaries’ Hall would require can- | didates for their diploma to understand the Beer Engine. BOXING NIGHT AT THE PLAY. Come with me, and your umbrella take; any iy and 3 your hat : . Let the latter be your Gibus—for yes ‘fi have to fold it flat. THE CZAR’S TE DEUM. | Come with me; for on a voyage o deseery I’m bound, Hark! what hymn to Heaven ssoendeth, | Of the sundry Christmas pieces I intend to make the round. Whilst his knees the Tyrant | We have entered the oh, how free this land of ours ' Thanks for murder,.havoe, ruin, Free the gallery to pel With some miscellaneous showers. Is the pious roar of Bruin. With the peel fresh from the orange we are greeted as we sit, Subject to a thousand questions in the middle of the pit— Thanks for shot and thanks for shell Questions of domestic comfort—questions we have heard of old— On defenceless men that fell, As to the maternal mangle having recently been sold. By no Angel turned askew, | While these scenes are being acted by gel a around, To their y mission true. On the stage there’s something passing d in mystery profound. Tinks Bir diteietabell t, Actors to and fro are walking, with their awe upon their hips, Not as triumphing-in rt i And we see that they are ta ‘ing by the motion of their lips: Net as having vidhors. won, | One who seems to be the hero rubs his hands about - hair, Bus & Whtleesle teenie’ Gitee. | And we come to the conclusion he’s a lover in des Now, a lady in white muslin blows her nose with a intent Thanks for licenee, such as needs And we gather from the action that her father won't conse: ab ; For Imperial acts and deeds, a a veteran, white-headed, paces veneer the stage, That great Czan who rules the region Surely ’tis the heavy father in a true c rage— With each sign of irritation, with each Susie ot his head, Comes a shout fromi British public, comes a ery of “Go to bed!” Enters now another actor :.by his most eccentrie elothes, Whose inhabitants are Legion. By the corking of his eyebrows, by the painting Of bis nose, & SMALL TRACE ~ mat By the faces that he’s making (they ‘re The ugliest he can), TsmPeRAwee will never be eff y preached by ‘a P To We, with critieal acumen, know him as the funny throw edld water is discouraging; and Pump, moreover, —_ . Now, the hero and the lady in the wuslin clear white handle to ridicule. If he wants to deliver an With a burst of indignation from the stage take sudden tlickt. | sobriety, the Apostle of that virtne had better take his stand on the Now the curtaim has descended ere the spening meee is. done; | barrel—which vessel should contain light French. Wine admitted at a And the audience is eager for the pantomimic |considerably reduced duty. The only.way to to induce the British. Comes the business of the evening, comes the overture at last, yublie to relinquish its present drinking habits, is, to give it something Made of airs from all composers, s slow, and moderate, auid fast ; better to drink. That is to be found in the dcanght which cheers the very school is represented, for ’tis usual to taek heart without cetting into the head ; ak now that the French: alliance All together, Dontzertt, Brewirr, Vert, Batre and Bacu. has become so desirable, one of the wisest things we can do is to pledge Now again the enrtain rises, and the pantomime begins, Compound strange’ of noise and splendour, tricks and changes, groans and grins, amity with our nei; ghbours i in their own cup. py er ge reg men, who, however, naturally, would be too thom br Leer bs healthy applicants in the hope of = Kicks and cuffs, and flying women, making us with wonder stare, A Last Arrempr.—Q. W hi on is the weather most ~ ts ar | At the sight of heavy mortals living—for a time—on air. shop ?—A. When it’s muggy ! der faints. ted by Wiilia = ad berry “ No 3 “per oharn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras. and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No.7, Church Row. Stoke Newngton. both ip the County of Mi idiesex, Printers, a\ -« = ¢ 5 dice ia L ard Strect, in t act of Whitefriars, ia ‘ue City of London, and Published by them at No. %, Fleet Street, in the arisios St. Bride’ s,im we City of London. —Saevsvar, demuary 7 1554.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIV. ARI. 11 THE QUACK’S DIARY. Tne following Diary has been kindly forwarded to us by Mn. Bucket of the Detectives. It was found in the poeket of a gentleman who was under his care for some hours :— Jasvany.—Got up rusty suit with black reviver; washed and starched white choker, and dressed for conversazione of Hahnemann Society. Wrote circular to Duchess and other members of Aristoeracy, accompanied by LE ty of Homeopathic Sanatorium. Looked up several East India Colonels, with constitution weakene d by warm climate. ‘Tried it. on upon others d bilitated in body and mind. Took apartments in Belgravia; baited with globules and fished | for gudgeons ; too matiy anglers already, no | bites: forced to cut my avlucky. . Fesruary.—Signed lease of Mansion in Pe pon og with 100 acres, Trout-stream and Cas- cade, open as Hy hic establishment. idveatignd forthcoming work on “ Water Cure in Hydrophobia.” Also advertised Douche House; advertisement got me some credit, on which contrived to rough it on my chop and glass of sherry. Mancu.—Impressed strongly with necessity of raising the wmd. Landlord wanted to be o his bargain for Douche House—had been making inquiries about my respectability. Agreed to cancel lease for consideration. Name of month suggested march with Teetotallers ; they making ¢ Demonstration; which joised; afterwards ad- dressed meeting from Platform—and wound up evening at Hole in the Wall. Apnit.—Spring coming on, suggested Vegetarian dodge. Let beard and moustaches grow, parted hair down middle, and went about delivering lectures. At Manchester | and Salford immense success of “Tea without | Shrimps.” Tried in agricultural district “ Trim- | mings but no Leg of and narrowly escaped being put under pump. jassistance of elever but un idea of Greens utton ;” hissed off boards ; | at amy and Scientific Institutions at ls. a! he ad, Ss! ibje ct if it would be possible to pass off silver over counter for gold ? Juxe.—Town sow full of Superior Classes. Gave Mesmeric séances and Consultations with Clairvoyance, at new lodgi ngs in May Pair. Sacked lots of woney from ladies of rank robbed: by servants, by giving information as to missing | roperty through Somnambulist put into eom- munication by Magnetism with Thief, Se-went | on till one fine morning, when bulist bolted with all the cash. Juty.—Resolved to turn the tables on Fortune in a direct straightforward manner by Table Turning. By aid of pals ay Hy hands, easily made Mahogany talk with legs. Sermon pub-| lished by reverend gent., proving trick caused | by evil spirits—brought ureat addition of visitors, | and increased receipts very much. Avueust.—With growing oxperiant and “4-4 of human nature, got on to cated ei ucated = af being Gipsy, and spelling wro Rooms crowded with persons of wealth and fashion con: | versing ty | Medium —_ Juiius Casar, Lorp Bacow, NapouRon, friends. Making no end ¢ money ral tical Baitor| came, investigated, and exposed in tor| paper—whereby smashed. Serremper.—On the first, recollected I had, to pursue my game; shot over the water, and set up as Lecturer on Astronomy in Siums. Drew horoscopes, cast nativities, gave | advice about courtship avd matrimony, and, hooked flats by shoals, though mostly fry. | Octoser.—Reminded P the ag a leaf to! make the most of time, oe ae fortune- | telling to the astrological plant iL igublcnvest| girls their sweethearts = mirrors ; exhibited | the apparition of any person living or dead; and sold hidiee, amulets, charms, reserved seats 2s. Felt real liking for drearil Delusions highly interesting; wonder agreeable, at the Crank. Demesn— on me, The - year closes dull and though warmer than is WAR-SONG FOR THE MONEY MARKET. Ler all folks that man disown, To Coveutey’ the calif nond kim ‘0 caitiff, send him And may the Silent System end him ! Let no man traffic with a traitor Than Mrrcnet or O’ Buren greater ; Afford him either fire or fuel, Or mix his physic or his gruel. Let no attorney be so tender As legal aid the wretch to render, Although to save him from a prison, And keep off Caucnarrt from his wizen. If such a misereant can he married, May he be by a vixen harried, A woman who in debt will run him, And cause her tradespeople to dun ‘him, His dinner be, for having sold His country, neither hot nor cold, And by his cookmaid’s ausnns blunder, Either much overdone or under. - A with and pains be togiled, atism double The tthe headache rack ‘him, he tie-doloreux attack sag ly th crack the villain’s hands in notches, a forth upon him — botehes, ils, lichen, impetigo, tette And seabies that won’t get better. When from his domicile he sallies, ye all the boys from all the allies o teaze an owl, flock after Let howls and yells of execration Attend on his perambulation And for his mean and hateful action, The whole world hiss him to distraction Conundrums for the Times. Wuen a we Fg sed ourselves to be heels with shouts and laughter, | | completely as the Empire of the Otto- > | man ?— Soe tidied teasner al > | and fall seep unter lrtaposionn isteoned. Where are we most likely to find the key of the Baltic ?—In Davy Jowxs’s locker. CURE OF SHOALS. A comrmarenany states that the ineome of Maid-of-all- the Chureh of , me from week to bees ta for helping Spiritual destitution, i icstend by the stars, robs mistress; is starvation in the midst of : ho am lagged and clergy, so endowed, ought to cure the rate of herrings. | Novexsen.—Blown up at last! Work, to pa ote mood—suggested new her to get a ing. Turned attention to’ is had up, and accuses me, who | Hlectrobiology ; ; of which gave demonstrations committed as a rogue and "vagabond ! ! May.— Poesy of VOL. XXVI. Cc

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* i » % aN ovo Se. MAKING THE BEST OF A BAD) JOB. ‘An! YOU MAY LAUGH, MY BOY, BUT THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A COLD BaTH TO MAKE You Strong anp Hearty!” THE DOMESTIC REFORMER ; OR, HOW MR. PATERFAMILIAS MADE HOME HAPPY. Scene 2.—Mr. Paterramiias Aas had a Ventilating Apparatus—of the most complete kind—constructed and adapted to his house, by the distinguished practical and consulting chemist, Mr. Bettows. Jt consists of a pump for forcing in the external air, worked by the water-pressure got from a pipe leading from the reservoir upstairs to the cistern in the kitchen; a warming chamber, where the air is heated by hot-+cater vessels, on a plan of Mx. Bettows’s own; a mixing chamber, w the warm air is cooled down to any tempera- ture ; a series of tures in the floor and skirting-board of every room in the house, to admit the heated air ; a ventilating shaft for drawing off the vitiated air, which communicates with all the chimneys in the house, and to which access is given by valves near the ceilings. Of course the bricklayers have been in the house for a month. The bills are left to the imagination of the reader. Open fires have been sternly suppressed. Colds are prevalent in the family. But the poisonous proceeds of human expiration are got rid of, and the scuentifie principles of ventilation triumph. Scene as before. Mas. P. seated, contemplating the place where the grate used to be in a disconsolate manner, Miss Laura and Miss Emity much wrapped up, and looking blue about the nose. Mr. P. (reading to them from a scientific treatise). “ When a person is placed in condensed air, he breathes with increased facility ; he feels as if the capacity of his lungs was enlarged ; his respirations become deeper and less frequent ; he experiences in the course of a short time an agreeable glow in his chest—(pausing, and to his daughters) My dears, don’t you experience— Miss Laura, A-tch-ew! A-tch-ew! Mr. P. (sternly). Lavra! Wiss Laura (dolefully), Oh, Pa, I’ve such a dlead-ful cole il by head. A-tch-ew! Miss Emily. A-tch-ew! Ad so have I—le-ally, Papa. A-tch-ew ! Urs. P. (dismailly). I’m sure, my dears, | don’t wonder at it. Mr. P. Mrs. Paterramtias, how can you encourage your daughters in these absurd fancies? But to resume—(recommences reading) “an agreeable glow in the chest, as if the pulmonary cells were becoming dilated with an elastic spirit.” (UInkales,) Yes, I certainly feel the cells dilated. (7o Mrs. P.) My dear, don’t you recognise in yourself something of the kind described, since the apparatus was put up ? Vrs. P. Well, L’ve a kind of tickling ia the throat; but I thought it was influenza, my dear. 2 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Mr. P. Influenza, Mrs. P.! Ridiculous ! Urs. P. Well, 1 don’t know, I’m sure; but ever since the house | was ventilated, my dear, I don’t know how it is, but, I’m sure, I’ve never been myse f. Viss Laura, Oh, an’ I’m so lwetchedly—A-tch-ew ! Urs. P. (shivering). Now, there, my dear, don’t you feel it ? Ur. P. What? Urs. P. The draught through the floor; look how the carpet’s dancing. Mr. P. That is the mixed air, admitted through the channels from | the tempering chamber by the Bettows valve. Mrs. P. 1’m sure 1 don’t know what it is, my dear, but my feet are as if I was sitting in an ice-pail. Miss Emily. And so are mile—oh dear—({hugging herself in her shawl. Vr. P. Impossible! I mixed it myself this mornmg at 66°—a healthy and agreeable medium temperature. Mrs. P, Oh—but only put your hand down. Mr. P. (putting his hand to the aperture). Well, I declare it does feel chilly. There must be something wrong with the valves. I’ just go and look into the mixing chamber. (#zit Mr. Paterrammiias. | Mrs. P. Oh, my dears, I always said how it would be, ever since our papa had in that dreadful Mr. Bettows. 1 declare the room ’s like the frozen regions; and not a bit of fire to look at—nothing but those easy, stuffy, hot-water pipes; and all those “ bricklayers’ bills,” too; and— Miss Laura (sniffing). Oh, mamma, what a dleadful sbell—dolt you sbell it, Exity ? Miss Emily. Oh yes, it’s ollible! Mrs. P. So it is. [ dare say your papa’s been and done some- | thing to those dreadful valves, as he calls ’em—(A prolonged howl heard without), Oh, that’s Newton crying! What can have happened ? Re-enter Mn. P. in a state of great excitement. Mr. P. Really, Mus. P., that boy Newron—it ’s not to be borne. He ’s been at that hot-water apparatus again; and now he ’s ruined the stop-cock, and all the water ’s run off, and one of the boilers has | got red-hot. It’s a mercy the house wasn’t burnt Mrs. P. Oh, 1 know it will be, some of these days. Mr. P. No wonder we were cold, with air coming in at 32°. But The —- him a good flogging, and sent for the plumber to repair the cock, Vrs. P. (groans). And then there ‘ll be more bills, my dear. Ur. P. 1 beg you will not allude to bills, Mrs. P. I pay them— that is sufficient. Mrs. P. Yes, dear—but, (sniffing) whatever can that smell be, I wonder ? Mr. P. (sniffing). Smell!—Eh? well really—now—I do think it’s | like sulphuretted hydrogen ? Mrs. P. \t’s very nasty, whatever it’s like—that I know. Mr. P. (who has been hunting the smell), And comes through the air- channels in the skirting board—it’s very odd. Eh—yes—I have it— you know the air tubes ben the mixing chamber pass under the cellar —Mars. P.—depend upon it there’s a cesspool somewhere, and some | of the emanations of it have been taken up into the air-tubes. Urs. P. \t’s enough to poison one. Mr, P. Yes — dangerous — decidedly dangerous; what a comfort we ve found out its existence. We must have it looked to to-morrow. The gardener can go to Mr. Barts, and ask him to send up a couple of his men—my dear—to sound for the cesspool. Mrs. P. Oh, Mr. P, more of Batts’s men! Do consider. We haven’t had ’em out of the house a week as it is, and those bricklayers always make a bill—al-ways. Mr. P. Mrs. P., do you expect that, as the father of a family, I will consent to remain quiet with the consciousness that a cesspool is yisoning the air | breathe—and my children? Mc Caw shall speak to Bares. I insist upon it. Mrs. P. Oh, very well, my dear, if you insist upon it. (4 cloud of smoke is precipitated into the room from the errt valve communicating with the ventilating shaft. Miss Laura and Miss Emity go off in a prolonged chorus of sneezes and coughs, Mrs. P. Oh, we shall al! be smothered ! Mr. P. Smoke coming down! It’s contrary to the laws of nature. | It must be from the fire in the ventilating shaft. How very unaccount- | able ! (Smoke continues to pour out ; Mr. P. rings the bell violently. Mrs. P. Open the windows, Lavuga. Mr. P. (sternly.) No—you’|l entirely derange the ventilating system. | Enter Spraces, a boy in buttons, with am air of consternation, Mr. P. Seraccs! What is the meaning of this smoke ? Spraggs. O—if you please, Sir—Master Georeer’s terrier, e’d got a rat—'untin’ it up stairs—and the rat he went through the flue door into the wentilatin’ shaft—and the terrier ’e went arter ’im—and Master Georee thinks e’ve stuck fast in the flue, Sir—and the smoke ean’t get out, I think, Sir, and so it’s a comin’ down stairs hevery- where like heverythink.

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Mrs. P. We must open the windows. | Mr. P, Confound that boy! Send him to me this instant, Srraces. | What ’s to be done. (Tugs at the valve.) 17ll shut the valve. Hang | it, it won’t work. I’m afraid we must open the windows after all. Enter the Houseman. | Housemaid. Oh, if you please, Sir, here’s the pipe from the cistern up stairs been and burst with the frost, Ma’am, and the water’s runnin’ | all down stairs like torrents into the front drawrin room. Mrs. P. Oh, gracious me! the furnitare will all be ruined. ‘ [| Rushes out. Mr. P. And the action of the ventilating pump will be sto ! | How very provoking! the whole apparatus brought to a stand-still ; and when it was working so beautifully too, and now when I ’ve | all the grates removed. What is to be done? I must see Bettows directly. (Exit Ma. P. | Miss Laura (to Miss Exnix). Oh, Exrriy, dolt you hope it ll all have | to be takel dowd agaid? A-tch-ew ! Miss Emily. Ob yes, that Ido! A-tch-ew! Scene closes in a duo of sneezes. “THE CRY IS STILL THEY COME!” HE speculators in religious catchpennies, which, thanks to the spirit of cant, seem to be the most lucrative con- cerns of the present day, have adopted, apparently, the “ Somebody coming,” to gain attention to their wares and merchandise. “ Some- body coming,” or “Some- thing coming,” is the theme of several of the new “ seri- which ¢ moe woes eo at present mundated by those who are looking out for the best mode of making a mar- ket of popular cant or po- ular hypocrisy. The idea t oreieatel among the political quacks who used to be always talking about the “Coming Man;” but /d it is now transferred to the pious portion of the world of humbug, who have been | attracted by the “ Coming Struggle” to an extent that the “ serious ” | booksellers have found largely conducive to their profit. The idea is being again worked in the form of a publication called the “ Coming Crisis—not yet ;” the words “not yet,” being apparently | added to admit of future speculations in which “ The Coming Crisis— | a little nearer,’ and “The Coming Crisis—come at last,” may be made available. We confess ourselves perfectly sick of the cry of “coming ” which is being perpetually raised by the pious book trade, and we shall be delighted Bmw instead of “Comimg! coming!” we may be justified in saying “ Going, going, gone!” . Tricks of the Telegraph. Tre telegraph has been playing some odd freaks during the recent snow storms. e wires have somehow got huddled together in such confusion, that they have mixed up the messages and have answered | questions as to the price of stocks, with a jargon of irrelevant matter | about news from New York, the Russian question, and the last quota- | tion of Turkey in the Norfolk markets. We wish the papers had | published a selection from the cross readings of the electric te egraphs | which might have furnished the material for a few “ Nuts to Crack ” at | Christmas time. MORE FREE THAN WELCOME. Txoven it is certainly no privilege to be “free of the City,” it would be undoubtedly very desirable to “ get free of the Corporation” at the | earliest opportunity. Tae Lerrer or THe Law.—The “ Letter of the Law” must be z. It expresses a quantity that is unknown. Erit Srnaces. old apne cry of ous” literary dodges with | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | Messns. Greewwoop, Varwisn, Vewger, snp Co. have the pleasure to inform the Nobility, Gentry, and Public in general, that, in ; . rn . a with the prevailing taste, and under the especial patronage CLERGYMEN OF THE CHURCH OF ENGLAND, \they have got together an extensive assortment of Talking Tables, | — other ariiclon of Cabinet W, ork, peculiarly adapted to eitensionsl “pu ; Beseas. G., V., V., anp Co. have taken care in the selection of their stock to avoid those Tables and other articles of Talking Furniture | that have been detected in rapping out and an arrangement _has been made for keeping A Clergyman on the Premises, who submits every piec. of furniture to a scrupu | before it is ex for sale to the customers of this establishment. It is the constant aim of the Reverend Gentleman who superintends this department of the Mart to test the veracity of even the most trifling piece of goods, and thus it is impossible for any article of mendacious mahogany to remain without discov Messrs..G., V., V., anv Co. coy added to their extensive number of stock a MORAL DINING-TABLES, warranted to*tarn away with disgust from any vinous excess, and to turn over their in order that the propriety of turning over a new leaf may to some of those assembled round them. Attention is particularly called to an extensive stock of Talking Sideboards, which, by themew system of Spirit the cellaret, and been made by an unlawful communication with the spirits. SEVERAL PAIRS OF CARD TABLES, warranted to kiek against any attempt to cheat, and to be up to all sorts of games,.so that if there should be any deception in the deal it would at once be exposed in the mahogany or rosewood. Among the enormous stock of Turning and Talking Furniture, may also be enumerated a large Variety or Warpnrones, some of which will not only turn themselves, but will also turn an old coat, or other article of dress, with the utmost neatness. As nearly all the furniture sold at the Moral Mart is of the talking escription, it may be said to speak for itself; and anything further that could be said for it would be quite superfluous. ; ——— apprise the owner any attempts that may have THINGS NOT GENERALLY KNOWN. Tuat “ Pop goes the Weasel” was composed by Haxpet. That Joan or Axc derived her name from being a compagnon du voyage with Noan. That the London synonym for “ civility ” is “ cabman.” That Georce Fox, the Quaker, was a lineal descendant from the celebrated Guy. That the Commissioners of Sewers take in needlework. That the screw-propelling principle was first applied to omnibuses. That a dish of whitebait consists of fried curl-papers. lous examination Rapping, will divulge the secrets of , servants, or others, to tamper with the wine, or to open | That the Beef-eaters at the Tower are, without exception, strict | | vegetarians. Time out of Mind. Law, we are sometimes told, will shorten our days, but the law of the County Courts seems to add to our days in a most extraordinary manner, for according to a recent return the County Courts sat 9570 days in the last twelve months. Law proceedings will multiply figures as far as costs are concerned, but we were not aware that rae an effect could be produced by law on the number of days m a year, as to turn 365 mto 8570. It is certainly a long and heavy day on which we | go to law, and probably the calculation above aotiond may be based on ithe principle that every day, to a man engaged in litigation, is as long |as some twenty or thirty days of the ordinary duration. | THe Poetry ovr Narune.—At present, like a quantity of modern poetry, it is, in most of its branches, only so many dead Leaves covered |with Rime. |

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Nh ; Fiabe,” Bie = "iy THE WEATHER IN THE PARKS. Skate Proprietor, “Now, Manm! ’AVE A PAIR ON.” LONDON IN AN-ICE MESS. Sxow Hill has for once maintained a right to its title, and several small passages of London life, including Cranbourn Passage, and th Turnstile, Holborn, have been im a condition to s t recollections ot a passage of the Alps on a scale somewhat limite London has, in fact, been almost blockaded b the snow, and Holborn Hill has been a sort of little St. Bernard, while Ludgate Hill has*supplied a Simplon of a mitigated character. The most seriously Alpme feature of the Metropolis, however, came on with the thaw, when avalancliés began to fall from the house-tops with a rapidity truly alarming to the startled trian. We ourselves were very nearly called to share with Ment a kind of mountain- ous monarchy, by being crowned with “a diadem of snow” as we passed along the Strand, and received a concussion which would have melted oe be! of any less hardened snowball than that which fell upon us. The south side of the water has been a kind of Arctie region, and the small sprinkling of cabmen supplied a few living bears to give truth to the picture. Those intending tourists who have not much money to spare may save themselves the expense of a visit to Switzer- land, for what with Mr. ALBer? Surru’s Mont Bianc, and the snow- capped suburbs of London, there has been quite enough Swiss scenery visible without going beyond “ the four mile radius.” TURNING DAY INTO NIGHT. Most of the Theatres are turning day into night, by giving Morning Performances of their respective Pantomimes. We have no objection to this arrangement, though we think we ought to protest on behalf of the unfortunate Pantal who. gets a double allowance daily of those kicks and cuffs, for the enduranee of which he is annually called into a brief existence at Christmas-time. Tt is lamentable to reflect on the fact, that the unhappy Pamtaloon can get no rest either by day or by night, now that the practice of opening the Theatres im the daytime during the holidays has become general. We cam only suggest that nm place of a. single Pantaloon, the management. should provide itself with a pair of Pantaloons, to stand the wear and tear of double | performances. , THE HEALTH OF THE CITY OF LONDON, Goop living is sure to tell wpon the corporation at some time or other, and we see a painfal instance of it in the City Corporation, which is on the point of breaking to pieces from the abuses it has so freely indulged in for such a number of years. Good living has been the ruin of its Corporation. Tae Rovnp or Fotty.—Hat-turning, and table-moving.

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| THE COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON TO MY LORD AB—RD—N. Jaxvary 14, 1854.)

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| PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | from the rest of the world, there being no t SOMETHING—AT LAST—IN A NAME, AT a recent meeting of dele i the seere- gates a = waited on Mr. Pricey, infmential cabman. * —_—— may be personally a very respectable man; but the name, in connection ‘with the cab trade, is certainly curious. There is somet rather rich in the idea of an wential cabman,” We "looked, with some the cab fraternity can brought to bear on the otrike and we find it to consist of a “warm” offer to convey | the parties “in a fly” to the most likely places to | obtain assistance. We only | hope that the aid of the! cab-drivers will not be em- | ployed for the purpose of driving the delegates into anything absurd or mischievous, | to which they have sometimes rather too great a tendency. STARTLING FACTS BY TELEGRAPH. ol was in a state of isolation | c by rail or news by letter, and | indeed nothing by which any idea could Ae y of the doings or the condition | of the Live mde. Am Of course indefatigable efforts were made to open the| communication —" the Metropolis; but all was in vain, for the ordinary electric | - h had got into a state of entanglement through the ice and snow — — all hopes of hearing anything from Liverpool. Bills were falling due i and were being dishonoured for want of “advice ;” commercial firms | a waivaliong into discredit, and all for the want of communication with the north, | when at i. after almost superhuman endeavours, it was announced that the | ic Te legraph had succeeded in bringing news from Liverpool. Everybody | to the second edition of the morning papers to drink in the long looked for news, when public curiosity was put in possession of the fact, that by tremendous a communication had reached i ndon, bringing the news t ” eee Is ed e cannot judge of the effect of this intelligence on ~ commercial world, but, | to us, it seems as though the result of the telegraphic achievements had, after | “much ery,” ended in “little wool,” though there might be a fair supply of cotton. | We had no idea that the condition of this raw material was of such vital con- | sequence as to make it paramount to every other subject of curiosity. We | henceforth, look out for the bulletins about cotton with unprecedented anxiety interest. Tf we can only be assured by the paper on our breakfast table that | “cotton has had a quiet night and is better,” we shall, in future, feel a peculiar | | Satisfaction, and we | should arte aps rest contented with the knowledge that | * cotton is not worse ”—or worsted Last week, in consequence of the snow, Live GETTING DRUNK WITH A PURPOSE. A MOVEMENT is now on foot to put a legislative stop to all drinking of every! kind of beer or spirit, “except for medicinal purposes.” Whether it will be an improvement to saturate society with water instead of moistening it with mait, is a question we leave to those who delight in dry diseussion ; but we must warn the friends of total abstinence that the exception “for medic inal purposes ” is sufficient to throw the whole question overboard. We never yet knew an = woman who could not find a “medicinal purpose” for every glass of grog she es to have a fancy for. If an Act of Parliament should ever be passed to | Ty spirit drinking, except for medicinal purposes, it will be absolutely necessary add a schedule of imaginary maladies which shall be declared to be not within the exceptions allowed by the statute. In this schedule we would comprise that anile ailing familiarly known as the “wind,” which has caused the consumption of more brandy and water by elderly females in one month than has been imbibed by the most inveterate topers during an equal period. We must also guard the legislature against the allowance of “spasms” as a ground of exception to any | measure for the prohibition of dram drinking, for there is no doubt that any | woman of a certain age can command “spasms” at any moment, when she | the meaning of “ Flowers of Speech ? > of the cellaret. is desirous of calling w» ‘ spirits from the vasty deep’ BAYONET AND CHISEL. A SENTIMENTAL NARRATION. a pt oy stare ee ey 1 at distance from the dome i But I could see (and Two men stood near that Palace gate. old renown. fore state) One was the sentry—on his head The fabled skin that warms the bear. Rae pa pen tae ete eee me ptor, chiselled what Hie tho adornment I thought not. A huge sound and blaek 8 the artist like a cloak, The sentry leant his manly back Against his box, and thus he spoke— At least ’twas thus to Fancy’s ear; For I was too far off to hear :— “* — whose skilful plastic art reates such graces out of stone, I feel a certain pang at heart When thou art ne, and I’m alone, That thou can’st do such things as these, as l einai cin chemn “ Mine was a country life, my friend, Away from art all its lore, Until — Fortune deigned to send Serjeant Henry Moore. He nce drank—I took his fee, And am the soidier that you see. “ Yet do not think I speak in s Or envy thee thy well-earne 3 For that I know would not be right, (Thanks to our pious chaplain’s pains) ; And warmly I appreciate Thy work upon our Sovereign’s gate.” He ceased. His artist-friend replied— Fancy, once more, the short-writer— “ Soldier, thou speakest, by my side, Words would do honour to a mitre, And I am proud to hear thy lip Commend the ornaments I chip. “ Yet do not mourn, thou gallant heart ; Our ways in two directions run— Thou in grand deeds to bear a part, [ to record them when they ‘re done. And yet ’tis pleasant, friend, to feel We ’re fellow-workers with the Steel. “ And when thy Bagnet, in the flank Of Russian - o. has bid them flee, This humble Chisel, friend, may clank To bid some marble speak of thee. And thus, though each in different wa Are we not colleagues— Brother—say ' bs Thus F deemed that at their stations, The Sculptor and the Soldier talked. But briefer were their observations As heard by one who nearer walked. Soldier. “That blessed wind is Eastly.”’ Artist. “ Confound the day—it’s Beastly.” THE CONVERSATION OF FLOWERS, Do flowers converse ? Yes, certainly ; or else what is ’ Besides, we have a standing press of the conversation of a flower in its (s)talk ! !

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18 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON =S5 “A ll iF 4 te IV sate a —r Wen COALS ARE SO DEAR, IT BEHOVES EVERY ROPER NUMBER OF Sacks vor His Mowry. THOUGH THE COALS ARRIVE JUST AT NCLEMENT. FAMILY MAN His DINNER-TIME, AND THE THE INCOME.TAX MADE IRISH PRIESTS. (To Mr. Puncn.) EASY FOR “Str, yer Honner, “Tuo L don’t pertend to pryde miself on my privat carricter, I’m punctival and conshenshus in the dischardge of my pubblic dooties —wherein there’s a good many of your great pollytickle Swels, I’ve heerd, rayther like me. 1 allus pays my Taxis on Principal, more particler as I gets my own Livin by them as I levvys upon the Com- moonaty. Not to mince the matter I’m what you calls a Prigg, unles you prefers the planer and more straitforrad Hanglosaxun igspresshun of Thefe. From that Callin and Hockypashun I drives a Hinkum considerable above anundezd Powns, upon the ole of witch [ pays Hinkum Tax regler like a man. “| admires the Hinkum Tax. It’s a tax arter my own art—comin down on a chap with a sort of summonds to stand and deliver, and fork out is tin at wunce. So, I takes a sort o delite in payin of it, and if so be as I makes any herror in calcilatin the rite Summ, I sends the differens in to the Cuanciter or THE IGscneckeR hurder the ed of Conseiensce Mouey. I pade a putty good part of the £4,758 14s. 6d. as was sent to Guvment hunder the same. “ My callin bein agin the lors in coarse can’t be Speccifide in my Sheddle, but that don’t stand in the way of Acquitting myself of my Hobligashuns to the State. I puts it down—accordin to the adwice of a respeckble Solicitor—as ‘ Unrecognised Industry.’ “ Sitch being the Case in Regard to my Hinkum Tax, I can’t con- ceave wot Difficulty that oly and revverent boddy the Roman Cartholick Priestes of Hireland can possibel ave about returnin theirselves for | theirn. They calls theirs a illegal Relidgun. So is mine. Neverthe- less I renders Setzer his Doo fair and Honnest. Wy can’t they Return their Perfeshun as ‘ Unrecognised Hindustry’ like your Umbel Servant, “ Tode in the Ole, Jan.. 1854.” “ BaRRINGTON SHEPPARD.” ’ ” 2 “PS. There’s this Differens betwene me and the Priestes besides, | that my Hinkum comes hout of the pockets of the Ritch, and theirn hout of the Pittyance of the Pore, “B Ss.” | FasnionaB_e Visttixe.—The parties care no more about the visit | than a duck would, if you were to give it a caul. TO SE PATERFAMILIAS DOES HiS DUTY LIKE A May, CHARIVARI. A PARODY WITHOUT AN ORIGINAL. (So far as the writer knows.) O, nap I but Atapprn’s lamp, I’d rub it every day, And so would save the costly stamp On bills I seldom pay. | And if I had ALappry’s lamp, 1’d dress me out so fine, } And folks who now won’t see the scamp, Would ask me home to dine. Yes, had I but Atappry’s lamp (A modest “ but,” you ll say), Id sack my laundress, Mistness Gap, And keep a JEAMEs so gay. And if I had Atapprn’s lamp, In better boots I’d go, For these old things are precious damp, By reason of the Snow. Simplicity in High Life. A pistincuIsHeD Lady, who moves and rides and waltzes in the very highest circles, sent round lately to her French hairdresser (Monsteur Isanone) for “a pot of the best Kussian Ultimatum.” THEATRICAL ANNOUNCEMENT. Tue Taeatre or War. We are enabled to state that the appearance of Mr. Butt, so long underlined, will positively take place in a short time. He will appear in the revived drama of The English Fleet. E THAT HE GETS THE Aywerican Literature.—“Sreere’s Select Works.” WEATHER 18 RATHER SEASONABLE SLIPPERINESS. We do not think the slipperiness of the streets could have occurred at any more seasonable period than at Christmastime. Many a person who could scarcely walk—many a respectable ‘person, who was 80 unsteady in his gait that occasionally he could not help himself from falling down—many a husband, whose disordered dress betrayed how often he had been measuring his length upon the pavement, attributed it entirely to the slipperiness of the streets. The frost could not have occurred more opportunely for such persons, though we think it is rather hard to attribute the slipperiness of their = Ped entirely to the condition of the public thoroughfares. For instance, we have heard of a gentleman who, upon being told by his wife who was sitting up for him in the parlour that he could not walk, excused himself by suying “ itsh sho eggstchweemly swipp-swipp-schwippery, my dear.” GOODS IN GREAT DEMAND. Tux pedlar for whose wares there is most demand must be he who carries the “ pack o’ nonsense.” PHENOMENON OF TOTAL ABSTINENCE. Ay individual who, from having been a sot, turned teetotaller, has become so sober that he sometimes sees only the halves of objects. A Tuovcut risuep ur my TrarateaR Square.—Women’s eyes, like shallow fountains, are easily filled, and easily dried up agaun. Next Moryixnc Heapacues.—The shooting pains and penalties for infrmging the laws ot Nature. Toe Secret or Ristre ry tHe Worip.—Idleness is like the nightmare—the moment you begin to stir yourself you shake it off. Lyscrretion rok Surczon’s Hatt.—Surgeons are the angels of this world—they are constantly redressing injuries. “Tue Dear Derartep.”—Venison. Backeamauon.—An absurd game, which ladies play with a Bonnet. eee es ae at tte OO fe

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI MASQUERADE REGULATIONS. in Naples, that the rare eased ively. hae become wae from ities having of things which it is de- nares fish. ouldn’t some . What ’ud you give for'some beer ? . Come out and get some*beer. (Signed) Brean LBayeE. ountersigned of the County ' Chronicle—a paper of which the contents are generally pe enn, that Bench whose (€ ) Ponca, body else, was sentenced judgments it records; but whieh in the present instance relates fact that the above : , ’ mentioned TvRweR, for poly, ioarieks his fats ot : es ayy eg ny some. | Mf pale patent, (xcept a oe hist rn. J. B. Parry, Q.C., the Judge of the Berkshire County : ance a Court “to £50 damages with full costs and antliate cassulion,” Why? | noises) he ever gathered at an English bat masqud, “ The lady admitted at the trial that she was not even alarmed by the conduet of the defendant.” | will silence the gay revellers altogether. : coatety will suppose that the reason why damages of so swinging a character were inflicted on TuRwER was, that Mr. Tower was a millionaire to whom fifty pounds were | as five shillings are to ns in average circumstances. Were the case so it would reflect} gpaNZAS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL. t credit on the judicial wisdom of Mr. J. B, Parny,QC. It would be a practical esson in the science of fining, and might lead to an improvement in the system which levies | 0»¢ Tear which Awontiwa observed Trickling down my Nose the same penalty for the same offence on a drayman and a duke. But no. The defendant gp egg tom is described as Nay, fond one! I will ne’er reveal “Tuomas TcRwER, 4 labouring man, with a family of young children, and who is also town-crier.” ence flowed that sudden tear : We are further informed that TurwEr’s goods were taken under the legal process shortly The truth ’twere kindness to conceal after the judgment, but were insufficient to pay the costs ; and that From thy too anxious ear, | “Ata subsequent court the Judge, after inquiring into Tunwen’s means, ordered that the damages and costs ow of when some hidden spring should be discharged by monthly instalments of 6¢., thus in effect alienating a considerable portion of his weekly ley — . pring collected for seventeen years prospectively, or subjecting him, in default of payment, to repeated monthly P ‘ imprisonments during the whole of his tatare life, a process which, so far from cancelling the debt, would Is rudely , & tear will bring materially iner its by the addition of the heavy fees of the court upon every fresh imprisonment. The bursting breast relief ! | The sum now due from this poor man amounts to £68.” ’ | The foregoing facts were stated in a deputation that waited on Lory Patmenston with Yet twas no h of the soul, a memorial signed by the leading inhabitants and the clergy of the borough, praying the No memory of woes | into the matter. In the meantime it may be suggested that some por of appeal should noble lord for inquiry into Mr. Parry’s decision. The Mayor or Waciuyerorp, who Bade that one lonely tearlet roll ed the deputation, also called the attention of the Home Secretary to the facts that Adown my chiselled nose : there was discrepancy in the evidence on which the conviction was based; that Turner, He "Oe being unable to pay the first instalment of 6r., increased by costs to £2 1s. 6d., had been But, ah! imterrogation’s note it Abi i chi ays: { at his family are Still twinkles in thine eye ; oo a > pimoten Son} for thirty days; and that his family are now dependent for Know then that J have burnt my throat RD PaLMeRstoy—who has generally a proper answer for everybody— promised to look With this confounded pic ! — +~ en me om they may pean 3. such as pene ee might have prono partic if Jupee Jerreates had been as Jupce Parry was —both Judge and Jury. For, unfortunately, the Quesn’s prerogative of mercy does not Why be me extend to judgment on civil process; and Jer—that is, Pansy acted strictly within} Tuts question has been to the. world by his jurisdiction by muleting Turner to the uttermost farthing that he is empowered to! Da. Forses Wauxstow in the last number of his impose. j al, and from the answer he gives to it, we a the fact that many of us are ill simply | because we are ill-disposed; or, in other words, A ROUND OF POLITICAL STORTES BY THE CHRISTMAS FIRESIDE. | that any one who wishes to make himself an | invalid, fimds a valid excuse for doing so. The A Srory about a Statue to Prrvce Aisert. By the City Corporation. | doctor quotes Bumtom, who talks of a priest | A Fusionist Story about two Houses. By the Comte pe CuaMBoxb. jthat “could separate himself from his senses A Seotch Grievanee Story. By the Eart or Eoutwtouy. when he list,” an achievement not very uncom. | A Yankee Story about Repudiation. By Uncur Sam. A ae Lattle Story about Reform. By Loxp Joww Russerr. | for we find many of the clerical profession who ee fon upon the same a ‘pthg spe DIsRakLI. | take leave of we Sire with the sy ease, , about Resignation. By Lorp Palmerston. ; Table-talkers testily. Several Awful Storianabent-gesen, the vialation of treaties, the orthodox faith, &. &.|“* “ao ae ge 7 the Emperor or Russia. The Old Story about War. By Ma. Cospex. TEETOTAL DEFINITION. re - | A Sprr Lever.—Drink, that lowers man to Tres THINGS THAT ARE ALWAYS FLovRisurne.—A Trumpet, a Sehoolmaster, and Punch. ' the level of the beast. |mon among the priesthood of the present day, == = and therefore he apprehends that this regulation |

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“0 rary" PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ‘CHARIVARI. ih ; ft ri f) » ; i: j Ht it, tet ) | ist ; wee TTT titi ‘ gi MA Nhat 7A\ |W) {jj ub “WANT YOUR DOOR DONE, MUM?” MORE EFFECTS OF THE SNOW-STORM. (From our Own Penny-a-Liner.) We have several important additions to make to the list of casualties and inconveniences oceasioned by the great snow-storm. The Ear. or ABERDEEN was about to take some steps in the right direction, but, from the slippery state of the streets, his lordship was compelled to stay at homeé, and content himself with writing a kind ote to the Russian Embassy. “ie Cospen, Mx. Brient, and the other leading peacemongers, were ibout to convene a meeting, at which they intended to pledge them- selves to attempt, in the case of Turkey and Russia, the “arbitration ” and “ pacific interference ” which they have advoeated in so many tons of tracts. But the snow rendered it ‘impossible for them to show that their advocacy had ever been in earnest. Lorp Guiuprorp intended to have paid into Court several thousand pounds of income improperly received by himself, but the snow was so thick that his lordship’s carriage could not get to his banker’s. The General Post Office designed .to have delivered the morning 1st letters in the City at least five minutes before the evening mail: went out, but this time the snow afforded a really good exeuse for a delay w hich is now habitual. Mx. Fitzvernon FitzmontaGue FitznaRrRincton was going, as he had promised, to his tailor’s, to pay a portion of the bill which has been running for three years, but the snow hindered him from walking aud there were no cabs:to be had ; so, much to his annoyance, he was obliged to abstain from going, and to spend the money in giving a little square dinner at Liwower’s. He has been so much affected by the circumstance that he has been unable to see the tailor since. | The Nelson Column people had fully made up their minds to go to Charing Cross and have another look at the vacant face of the pedestal, and consider whether some of these days something might not be done towards seeing about the suggesting the completion of the work, but the snow cansed the postponement, of these active measures until next year. The Gas Directors actually meet, and agree that it would be a very sad thing if they had to cut off the gas and leave London in total ares, And then they went home, the snow, we suppose, preventing : Direetors from'directing that a large bright oil lamp should be cei ided for each gas- post, 80 that we might be at least no worse off than our fathers. Mr. FRepeRICK Busuns, of Camberwell, had proposed to take his | wife and children to see a pantomime, but on account of the snow he | was compelled to leave them at home and go by himself, the state of | the streets also sending him round by a certain tavern near the Hay- market, and preventing his getting to Camberwell until four in the morning. A CHAUNT BY A QUIET FAMILY. Arn—“ Ye Spotted Snakes.” Ye commete shrill, with double tongue, 3c viing retreat : Flutes and fid idles cc Come not near our quiet eee Chorus. Tipsy swell, ion tavern “ Free And Easy,” cease Lalliete : Lalli tallete! Never horn, nor Come to Pop the Weasel a0 For the Weal nigh pros not here ; trombones, Opel, spl not our ear; Clarionettes, “y" no offence. Tipsy swell, &. Parsons on the Ice. Amonc the skaters: in the ks last week were — — Voy -"~ > tinguished themselves by the ease an CO | their movements. A few of them at pt very awkward slips, and there were several whose backsliding was so perfect, as to be evident!s quite natural. hence GOOD NEWS FOR ALDERMEN. ‘Tux longevity of the ass has been recently put beyond all doubt by ot observations of the zoologists. OUR WASTE-PAPER BASKET. (Supported by Involuntary Contributions.) Men make their chief sacrifices to Love before they marry ; women (poor creatures !) after. Night-dreams are the many-coloured mental patch-work made from the spare clippings of our day-thoughts. Little children are the lilies-of-the-valley of life. A title is frequently nothing more than the erest stamped on a silver spoon. The most solemn duties are generally the most. readily undertaken. How many a man would, with pleasure,.be your in a duel, or stand godfather to your child, yet would strongly object to the loan of a five-pound note ! The “lines of life” that a woman cares most to see in her hands are the marriage lines. Fast men, like fast rivers; are generally the shallowest. Good intentions, like the waxen wings of Icakus, melt with the morning sun. A hasty marriage too frequently turns out a mourning suit that’s run up in four-and-twenty hours. C undid truths, like candied fruit, are all.the better for having the stones picked out of them. 4 Valentine is the first letter which a young girl learns in the Alphabet of Love. Poor relations, that have been flung aside, often turn up and prove of value when least expected—like bank-notes that have been found, before now, in a waste-paper basket. UNSEASONABLE DISCUSSION, A parnrut discussion has lately been going on in the newspapers. We allude to the Kilt controversy. The allusion—as we will venture to say—is calculated under existing circumstances to inflict paim onany mud of common sensibility. ith the thermometer at zero, the snow on the ground, the sea-gulls up inland, the ns: on the Serpentine, and the Thames nearly frozen over, the v very me of a kilt is enough to give anybody a cold. How could the eruel Seoteh. men think of raising such a question in this bitter weather! The debate indeed, in the dog-days, would have been any cooling refres shing, and it ought in mercy to have been adjourned to this time SIX months. Tue Grrr or Worps.—“ Bless you, my children.”—The Christmas- box of a Rich Father. ee — en Priuted by William atin, of No. 33, Upper'Webure Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, and F) ederick Mullett Bvans, of No. 7, Churet Row, Stoke Vewington, both in the County of Middlesex, Printers, «* th rir Viice in Lombard Street, in the Preeimet of Whitefriars, in the City of London, ana Publishes by them at No.3, leet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride's, im the City o: Londom.—Satuapar /anuary H, 1+

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iTHE RUSSIAN LOCHINVAR. HE big-booted Czar had his eye |¢ on the For treaties and truces he cares t not the And save his good pleasure he conscience hath none He talks like the V. and > ee a so fait m peace, and so ruthless in war, Have ye eer heard of King like the big-booted Czar ? ~ = He stayed not for speech, but, i and wit € gun, He rushed imto Turkey, though was none ; cause But when he got near to the old Iron Gate, He found certain reasons which urged him to wait. For down by the Danube stood} ™ OMAR Pasha, . Prepared to encounter our big- booted Czar. So he drew up his legions—serf, vassal, and thrall, His footmen, and horsemen, and cannons, and all, Then out spake bold Omar, bis hand on his sword, In an attitude fitting an Ottoman Lord, “ O come ye in peace here, or come ye in war, Or to see St. Soputa, you big-booted Czar ? ” “T’ve long asked your homage, my suit you denied, And my holy vain you ’ve scorned ried, eaivenltaerteee via Song army cm the wrongs of the case to define, you have not a chance, for the Mussulman star ust pale when it looks on the flag of the Czar.” He flung down his challenge, the Turk took it up, (Renate on slips ’twixt the lip and the cup) oe Se SS ee i reply, “ That claim was unjust, and its proof was a lie,” And he tt up some thousands of swords as a bar To further advance by the big-booted Czar. So before Oltenitza the battle took place, And the Russian thought r to right about face, a menacing boom, DaNNENBURG plume, grum “°T were better by iar, To eat tallow at home than dine out with the Czar.” See ees tare oan in his ear. e despot commands, is men persevere— So again to the breezes their phew 8 are flang, And Kalafat echoes the war-trumpet tongue And the Ottoman, charging, has scattered alar The ill-fated troops of the big-booted Czar. There was wild disarray in the rear and the van, The Moslem they rode, and the Cossacks they ran. There was racing and ing—’twas pleasing to see The Russ as we be. May this, and much worse, be all fortune of war That awaits the old pirate, the big-booted Czar. ! THE ORTHODOXOMETER OR THEOLOGOSOCOPE. “Esuicurenep Ponca, Clapham Atheneum. d “ You, and all who share your benevolent disposition, will be delighted to learn that I have mle name : rg out urgent request), i i has attracted so much attention lately is entirely produced by a demo- niacal possession of the said tables, and having further ascertained that they are quite unable to revolve if any pious book be laid upon them, though its bulk be ever so trifling ; but they will curvet, caracole, and oscillate any weight of profane or heterodox literature, first et enjoyme: decisive experiment will con which l tionably put n " rival theologians need | their works to the critical opinion | have committed them jocular | i very nice, for when a single | . united volitions could not move ; under some cwt. of the daily and weekly papers, until we had cut out some trials and a quantity of advertise- | ments, when it appeared satisfied and became stat: - Lam having | a large table constructed, to be ready against the Ma j that the t st » si a that he is uttering, an e. as it is stationary, the one will _will be sure that they are ; y invention come into general eh ome through Parliament, —y or logoscope shall ever be “Evsesrvs Hum.” | | The Prophetic Guide. | Two clerical gentlemen have been carrying on an amicable discussion, | the bibliel peediesions ennesre t worthy individuals cng bedhead own way; but, in so doing erb that suggests an analogy , a8 to the interpretation of and the ™ to settle affairs of this kind im ¢ VOL, XXVI. D

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CANNON BALL-ROOM MUSIC. Wuat a knack have the composers of fashionable dance music of turning all things “to favour and to prettiness!” The attention of our readers may have been arrested by a lithograph in the music-shop windows, representing a cannon with the Russian standard leaning against it on one side, and the Turkish on the other, crossed saltier- wise ; a pyramid of round sho! underneath it, and in the back-ground smoke, amid which cavalry are skirmishing. This pretty picture con- stitutes the exterior of a musical publication, denominated the “ War Galop.” We have not, so far as we know, had the advantage of hearing this composition, and therefore we cannot say that it has not a high purpose. Perhaps it is calenlated to excite reflection whilst it inspires gaiety, and to appeal to the heart as well as to move the heels “ Amid the joy and the uproar” of the ball-room, it may tend to awaken pity and compassion for the sufferers by shot, shell, sabre, lance, and the other implements of destruction by which the Enemy or Maw and the Emperor or Russia are permitted to wreak their malice on the human race. Chords and movements, imitative of the groans of the wounded and dying, peradventure mingle with the lighter measure, which is tripped in the blaze of drawing-toom glory by ele- gantly dressed persons of both sexes. The “ War Galop,” possibly, illustrates the real thing so called, and spelt with two I’s, as actually performed on the field of battle over the backs and stomachs and fractured limbs and faces of unfortunate crippled soldiers. It may serve to warn young ladies what frail things are the limbs and features of handsome officers, polk they never so charmingly. If so, let due credit be given to the composer of the “War Galop:” one D’Atsert—or ALpeERT—and we hope ALBERT will limit himself to the inoffensive means of music in advocating a peace-policy. op . ge oY ST Or ) ’ J Dip Ay \W W «@ ~—— It’s a Way they have in the City. Ar one of the Mansion House dinners lately, after loud cries had been raised for the carriages of the different Lords and Bishops, and equally loud responses had been given when their turn came to obstruct the thoroughfare, a young man amused himself by bawling out, at the 1» top of his voice, “ Temete Bar 1s Freer Street stors THE WAY! NAKED SIMPLICITY. A “True HicHianper” writes to express his indignant surprise that any possible objection can be taken to the Highland costume, as affording insufficient winter clothing. He “ wad like to see the chiel,’ he says, “ wha’d show him a warmer covering than bare skin.” Goop IwxrTentioxs.—Good intentions, like the waxen wings of Icarus, melt with the morning sun. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. — twenty-four argun, at from 3s. to 3s. 6d.; and you'll want—let’s see— THE DOMESTIC REFORMER ; OR, HOW MR. PATERFAMILIAS MADE HOME HAPPY. Scene 3.—Mr Time Mrs. P. (laying down the n shillings a ton! i! PaTERPAMILIAS has the Gas in. ifter Breakfast. rspaper). Coals up agai; forty-three It’s awful! And our winter stock not laid in yet. Mr. P. That ’s lucky Mrs. P. Lucky, my dear ? } Mr. P. Yes; because | have determined on dispensing with coals | altogether. Mrs, P. Do without coals, Mr. P.? think of doing without candies Mr. P. \ trust very soon to be able to abolish in my house that most costly and unscientific mode of illumination, Mas. P. Mrs. P. Good gracious! Well, it’s bad enough to be without a | cheerful coal-fire ; but if we ’re to live in the dark, one might as well be an Esquimaux at once. Mr. P. Why will you always rush to conclusions, Mas. P., in that most illogical manner? I say, | trust to be able to dispense with coals and candles, not with light and heat. On the contrary, both are most | essential to the healthy development of the human animal. Mrs. P. Well, my dear, I’m sure I could never get on without them, suffering from cold feet as I do Mr. a My intention, Mas. P., is to have gas laid all over the house. Why you might just as well Mrs. P. Oh, my dear, you know what happened at the Snr«xisses, | when they had it. Pray do consider— Mr. P. My determination is the result of much and anxious con- sideration, Mrs. P. | Mrs. P. You know it got into their store-closet and blew up the boy. | And then there’s Dra. Letuesy’s evidence—he’s a scientific man, you know. It was in the 7imes last week all about the ammonia getting into the ground, and causing dreadful smells, and oil of vitriol destroying | Freneh polish, and books and I don’t know all what— we? B [ have no doubt De. Letnesy’s conclusions are sound. He is a man I much respect. We owe to him the detection of many of the poisons which we habitually eat, and drink, and breathe. But I intend my gas to be purified. Ma. Bettows has invented an admirable | apparatus for the purpose. Mrs. P. Oh, but remember his ventilating contrivance, my dear— what a nuisance ‘hat turned out—and the expense too. Mr. P. (waving his hand dictatorially.) Enough, Mrs. P. Expense is no argument with me, when there is a sound principle to be asserted and an example to be set to my feliow-men. (Looking out of the window.) Here’s the gas-fitter with the estimate I asked for. Enter SPraces. Spraggs. Please, Sir, here ’s Mr. Socxert. Enter Mx. Socket, hat in hand. Mr. P. (who is an excellent customer). Ah, Socket. You’ve brought your estimate ? Socket. Good morning, Mum. Yes, Sir—that is, a rough eye estimate, | you know, Sir, and I think we can make a job of it, Sir. | Mrs. P. But the expense, Mr. Socket? | Socket. Oh, bless you, Mum—nothing to speak of—nothing. Mrs. P. Yes, but how much ? Socket (reluctantly). There’ll be the pipe from the main down the front garden for the ‘all lamp, say forty-two foot half-inch iron-welded tubing at sixpence, and there’!l be the ’all lamp—that’s according to fancy, you know. Then the double-cone burner and moon-holder—I put ‘em in at five shillings, though there’s many charges five-and-six ; and, let’s see, you’ve twelve rooms including dining and drawrin- rooms—them’s centre chandeliers in course—suppose we reckon Take a chair. say 300 feet half-inch zinc tubing, at 7d., and the bends and springs, diminishers, caps and plugs, brass-cocks, minor joints and Imings, and the brackets for the staireases and kitching— Oh, they’ll not ’urt you, Mum. Mrs. P. Yes, but how much altogether, about ? Socket (driven to a total). Oh, bless you, Muam—speaking by rule of thumb—about a matter of £30 or £35, I dare say, more or less, that is, done at my prices. There’s some fitters would make a job of you, but that’s not Joun Socxer’s plan, wo know, Sir. Mrs. P. (overwhelmed by the total). or £35! Mr. P. But think of the saving! Perhaps you are not aware, Mas. P., that a valuable little practical work, “ Hints to Gas Con- sumers,” makes out that “five eubie feet of coal-gas, con- sumed in a 15 hole argand burner, yields a light equal to 12 candies during one hour, and its cost is six-tenths of a penny!” Mrs. P. (who does not believe in figures). Well, bat we never burn itwelve candles, my dear—not at once.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI Ur. P. The little treatise proceeds that the rht from a pound of candies costs 74d.; an equal quantity of light from sperm oil LONDONDERRY AND LINDLEY MURRAY. costs |1d.; an equal quantity of light from whale oil costs 5d., and an | equal quantity of light from gas costs 24d.! 24d. Mrs. P., against 1 ureLY Lorp CuestEerrriecp is not 74d.' Don’t talk to me about the first cost of introducing into my \ \} the only nobleman whose name | house so vast a saving as this ! 4 will go down to posterity at the | Mrs. P. (driven from her financial ground, in which she is as weak in oz) wes foot of his letters. There is ano- arithmetic as strong in conviction). But the smell, my dear ? " ther noble Lord whose epistles to | Mr. P. Pshaw, Mxs. P., mere prejudice. As the little treatise his tenants are as remarkable as remarks :— The odour of coal gas is a most valuable quality ; its ’ those which the first named Peer | presence, in an unburnt state, being thereby infallibly indicated, and addressed to his son. Here is one a fair warning given, that either by accident, mistake, or carelessness, ; of them : but such is its profundity something is going wrong.” : that it must be analyzed in order Mrs. P, (bitteriy). Oh, 1 dave say we shall know that soon enough. } to be understood, and requires to Mr. P. (to Socxer). Well, Socket, I think you had better set be presented to the intellect by about it to-morrow; and if you’ll come into the kitchen, Socxer, F pieces at a time :— we’ll just consider about how it can best be laid on for cooking— “The Mangum ov Lowpowperey, on a Mrs. a of the range, my dear—an enormous saving, . livion of the t, and a return of that indulgence, consideration, und paternal this eig teen year come Martinmas, and the best o’ characters from all interest he has always been most anxious, as their friend and counsellor, to show them. ah places, to ’ave to dress a at a nasty, por inging,| “ December 17.” “Vase Lowpowpuney.” ting gas-pipe, at my time o’ life! No (rising tnto sublimity), Mx. | " ; ; - rw P.! no, never!—not if I was to be roasted to a cinder afore that iden-| .. , he pathos of the conjuration of his tenantry, by every sense,” fc., ; e- wich just you keep our ’and off—is it your fire? No, | to persevere continue to struggie, c., 18 exquisite, _ there never! that I can assure you, Mn. P—wich you know if I’ve giv | ' great art in that employment of the ee language of distrac- satisfaction or not ; but if my range goes I goes. (Mx. P. attempts in oo — at eo me oes — my > their ee vain to speak.) So don’t think it, a-comin’ here—(her grief begins to| 7. sled ‘aud decnived Gee } aa ot, —_ of wrestle with rage)—measurin’ and pryin’. No, Sir! and—(here grief boing ian he ensures thous that “thea = sblivior gets the w hand )—turnin’ things upside down—wich I wish you! (F410 pa ewe ce tee betee a 4 teal of | al may never live to repent it, you and your accomplishers—(with a ed prone 4 seer De pir spianing tag qoovlied - his Pts lance at poor SocketT)—when you’re all pisoned, down to that blessed —_ “ee “yA - aeons of Ges ton Newrow, that I made for his poor dear mother—which I’m | kee., which he has always | o—- cmt daar dhenn ant J sure she don’t approve no such goings on—(sobbing bitterly). A | Bence, v he - SS GSE we Cay aay, tuses, indeed! but go I will; and Tos , and there, | Of Which peep eae seem to be the return of the past rather

nee e you warning then then ite obi ened a ah poems ph mer Fre _ with _ e is}. If the Marquis or Lospowpersy is of a truth the landlord of all 4 . ee ae *\ Tre he has indeed land and beeves, Overstocked with the latter, Mr. P. Confound it! Cook—here—Cook—don’t be a fool, woman. ji of his balls im his letters Socket (sententiously). It’s wonderful how they sets their faces agin’ = ’ gas generally, does the cooks. (Cook’s drummings become more violent. Hi id rushes in in| ; ities Ma. P looks cundmncnadeen vee A Coycuxprom Rowwise asout Fieet Sraret.—Why is Temple alarmed, Scene closes, | Bar like a lady’s veil? Because it must be removed to make way for the ’busses, Enter Mus. P. Mrs. P. Oh! Ma. P., I knew how cook would take it! Morro ror tae Misisters.—“ Fortiter occupa Portum.’ Anglice (The results in our next.) —Stick to the Porte. }

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————— ae a | PRESIDENT | ® contiguous territory, and was meditating mischief, | demand it—and these elsims are not to be 24 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

= : Mang i i i aa = va

SOMETHING THE MATTER WITH THE KITCHEN BOILER.

AN AUTOCRAT CARVED IN EBONY. | Putarcu—bad ke been fow extant—shight have been supplied. by | nts, of Liberia, with a case for a parallel. | a neighbouring sable potentate, | a Message to his ebony senate and . _ Having related that the ruler im rorge Oaxe, had failed in his ponte, invaded | e said— “With Gronen Caye war seems to be a ruling passion. No persnasion, I fear, wil! restrain him from shedding the blood of his defenceless brethren. But that he must be cheeked, gentlemen, is . Common safety requires it—justice and humanity i If, therefore, it shall be established ng on his predatory wars, some measure should be The following stat was made by the. dark. sooty House of question, by namie

that Geonew Cane is still speedily adopted to restrain him.” . Every word that Pagstpent Roserts uttered respecting Groner Cane is equally to another chief of more numerous, savages and of a different ion from Geores Caye’s. One chief, to be sure, is black, and . is white; but if the former has a black skin, the latter has ‘a er i may be surmised that Grorce Cane isa mi ? monarch so called is accustomed to his Imperial anon ear ee i i Kyotr., [t is much to be wished that Lonp, ARERDREN some time since, spoken out as much to the purpose about Weis keeee as PRest- pENT Roserts spoke concerning George Cane. Rhymes for Infant Senators. Ripe a cock-horse to Westminster Cross, (Affectionately Dedicated to Patenramuaas, whoever he may be.)

‘To see my Lonp ABerpeen ride the high horse, For the Parliament meets on the Thirty-first, And then some bubbles are going to burst.

When will the Registrar of the Pegrtine Court of Canterbury no M give up his sinecure ?—When he is 0(0) RE. ‘of the Fog. The Fog was so intense at one time that you e0uld hardly

— -—— =

HARD LINES FOR LOVERS. | A “KINDLY. person writing to the 7imes, under the signature of | BaLm or Gitean, on the subject of cipher advertisements, suggests the following as a method by which lovers who correspond by means of them may secure the sectesy of their correspondence :— “ If the affeetionate pair will get two copies of some particular English dictionary (or what is better, the, words im each page) in some arbitrary way (as by beginving in the ), and, adopting signs for the varieties of inflection, use the numbers for the they may publish their turtle doveries in perfect safety, as no calculation of af ehances could avail against them.” Love sometimes the intellectual faculties, and may there- fore, in certaim cases, its victims to understand the foregoing complieated directions, But more generally the tender passion disturbs the mind; and it is doubtful whether many young persons, actuated by Senet mutual affection, would be able to make either head or tail of them, |

Fun in a Fossil. } Tue world of scientific ‘susironouty will learn with interest that | Professors: Owew and Foxses, a y ot other gentlemen, num- bering altogether 21, had an exoredingy vod dinner, the other day, in the mterior of the. [guanodon modelled at the Crystal Palace at We congratulate the company on the era in which they Sydenham live; for if it had beem am. carly geological period, they might perhaps have occupied the Igwanodon’s inside without having <2 there.

The Fog in the Theatres. Tere were very seanty audiences at the Princess’s om both nights distinguish Mr. Cuartes Kean from one of the supernumeraries. We pern have not the slightest doubt that, if this fact could have been previously known, the Theatre on both nights would have been crowded to the ceiling.

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Page 43

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 2 ‘ GREAT FALL OF CHRISTMAS BILLS. most frightful fall, one of the greatest that has been known for many years, Visi- ted the Metropolis and other parts of the country, on the first of thepresent month, and continued throughout the week with more or less severity. The fall was composed of an almost incessant shower of Christmas Bills, which contin- ved to pour into al- most every house in every thoroughfare. The bills that fell in some places were so extremely heavy and numerous, as to form almost an avalanche, and preclude all hope of liquidation un a very lengthened period. stances the bills fell with such rapidity, as to keep thedooralmost constantly open, and it was quite unsafe for the inmate to venture to the door, lest the bills—some of which were of tremendous size—should be thrown into his face with an alarming impetus. The only hope of meeting the overwhelming force of the bills was by an endeavour to raise the wind inside the house; but this attempt was successful in only a very few instances. So penetrating was the fail that the bills found their way through the letter-boxes, down the areas, and even under the doors, when the inmates, knowing what to expect, had kept the doors of their houses closed against the approaching enemy. We heard of several instances in which persons were found completely over head and ears, from the quantity of bills that had come in upon them. In some cases the inundation was so extensive that the parties were unable to leave their abodes, in consequence of the thoroughfares im the neighbourhood of their houses being rendered impassable by the bills that poured in from them. We have heard it rumoured that, should the inconvenience continue, it is the intention of a number of benevolent gentlemen to form them- selves into a society for clearing off the bills of those who, though they cannot be said to be “ snowed up,” are, undoutedly, “ hard up,” owing to the position in which they are placed by the cause to which we have alluded. The activity shown by the boys in offering their services to clear away the snow might be imitated with advantage by the affluent, who would present a most pleasing spectacle, if they could be seen going round with purses, instead of brooms, in their hands, and addressing the inquiry, “Want your bills cleared?” to the poor unhappy victims of the Christmas inundation. We have heard of some parts of the world in which the “ falling dew” has had a fearful effect on the inkabitants; but we never wit- nessed anything to equal the effect of the “falling due” of the Christmas bills, in throwing a p on the spirits at the season of festivity MRS. JANE GIMLET ON THE THE SEASON. “ Yeast Lane, Grinnidge, Sixth of Jenniwaryhatingfiftyfore. *°Ownenp Sur, “Tn coorse it didnt ort to be ekspekted that an ooman as ave live cooke at fiftene puns wage, and ave Missus Runpue at her fingurs hends, shoud hide talons from the world, and consekewently at this festif seeson wen hevery wun is a givin of routes or swarry mewsycals or petty soopys wich is the Frenshe for wite soop an game an hentrays, or taydansangs wich means week kneegus an makyrouns, or conwer- satchyonis, wich air a big word but dont mean much for its only tee an koffee and miksed biskits an such like weksations of an ungry sperrit—at this festif seeson I sumtimes rewisits the spere to wich | were wuns akustumd and hastonishes Missusses with my long heks- periense an my short crusteses. An so tother day wen Reverenp FESTIVITIES OF In some in-! |Stocum Smurn’s heldest dorter wich is now Mussvus Posudes (an jave maried a gentelman in the Bank of Hengland or the Puns or the nasshynal dett or sum of them publik institushuns) felt called upon to giv a party, wich in coorse the wurld expek it of her as i heerd her say, it were but natteral she shoold send for me to elp her kooke seein as her digesting ad bin famylier with my pastry from a child, and many was the gingerbread nut I “d made with a littel fizzik in it for ber wen she were a littel thing not hier than the kitshen dreser. So in coorse bein summonsed I went to her ouse herly on the day wen the party was to be, wich was a month ago cum neks Tooseday fortnite, and lor! the pukker an the trubel she were im to gratify the wurld’s hex. pektashuns were a warning to all as thinks they cant ave enuf of satiety. I ses nuthin of takin hup the earpet in the drorrin room an serubbin of the flore, an a charking of crowns an lions an hunikorns an reaths an trew luvers knottes hall hover it, wich Mx. Porxins he got a krook im his bak by gettin hup at siks in the mornin to du it afore he went to towne, an a stoopin’ so on a hempety stummic, an I ses nothin of caryin hall the funitar of that rume ’ceptin’ the pianner up into the hatik wich it were orful to see bow it skratshed the paper hof the walls in the narrer passidges and got itself miksd up with the banysturs an gammed up in the landins, an woodent go round korners no ow, an i ses nothin about takin down the bedds in too huther ing wun for tea an clokes, and the huther for tatytates, an kuverin the children’s bedds with chintses to make them looke like setees an sofees, an reethin of the stares an the shandy leers and the picturs with hevergrenes, and settin out the route seetes, ana lot more. I ses nuthin of all this, bekorse its only ouse- mades wurk, an ow Missus Porxins could go and busy herself about )it, an a flyin in an out an hup an down with a dustur in one and an a fether brush in the hother, wen the supper must ave been a lyin evy on her, passes my weke hunderstandin, In coarse it wood ave bin much better for er to ave sat down quiet and wipped the cremes all day, insted of lettin little Sopuxe (her heldest) do it, wich the child made herself uncommon hill by tastin hevery five minnits as the natur of childering is. An lor! she mite ave hel od me in a many more things than she did, for she honely spun sum shugur an bete up about fiftee heggs, an made a pound cake, and blanshed sum hiarmonds to make a edgeog, an buttered my moldes an pattepans, an cut the paste in strips for the hopen tartes, an washed all the plate an chinee an glas, an cut hartificial flours hout of turnips, an dekkyrated the dion, an rubbed arf a duzin lemuns with shugur for the punch, an rote a plan of the supper tabul showin were we wos to put the dishus, and copyed a lot of motters out of potry bookes on to bits hof colured papur, an ropped barlyshugur kises up in em, an a few more trifuls not warth namin; an of coorse she ort to ave staid with me hinsted of going an washin the children’s eds, an doin of the gurls’ airs, an hironin hout their froks an sashes, and gettin up of Masrer Tomux his best tunik which he had spoilt it wans by pullin of the rashery cremes on to hit as it wos a hairing), an settin hout the kandels, and sortin the kards, an rubbin of a lot of kid gluves with bred, and puttin buttons on Ma. Porkins his shirt, an starching his ruffels, an a takin up a fray in his silk weskit, and cleenin his shiny boots with creme, an a lot more litte] hods and hens of no consekewens; but then she is but yung an a poore delikit creeture, and young missuses seldom nose were to gif there eye, and were not, and is soon nokked up with doin of nuthink. An by an by down cums Mr. Porxtys from Lundun with the hisetur pattees from Pussets, leastaways with the houtsides of em in a paper bag, an the hinsides in a galypot redy to be otted an put into the krusteses wen wanted ; and then he cums a fussin down into the kitshen, an a runnin in an out of the seller, a drorrin of is corks and decanting of his Marselly, an his Montylardo, an his Madedeerer, an his torney port, an a hangin of littel tikkets on the decanters (which they wos ne " as there were a strong famly likeness atween hall the whines), han a miksin of is punch an smakkin of his lips, and olding of his ed on wun side wile he tasted it, and a turnin up the wites of his hyes as if the pupils wos a going into his ed to see if the punch had got there fust, wich it were aggerawatin to behold. An wot was wuss, he brought down with im a bottel of gellee an a bottel of blank manger from a chepe shop; an in coorse beein cold they woodn’t cum hout of the bottels tho he brok the neks hoff an cut his finger, an tuk on so as it were orful to here, and wood ave shoked Revenenp Siocum Smrtu if he coud a none ow his son-in-Jor was a cussin an a swearin, an all becos he hadn’t the sens to stan the bottels in ot water akkordin to the printed direkshuns wich the shopman giv im. llowsumnever we got it all rite at last, an he an Missus Porxins went hoff to dress; an wen I tuke a pepe at them through the chinke in the drorin rume dore, they wos a waiting for their gesteses quite calm au beautiful—she in a wite lase gownd with a hapron trimmin in three threes dubble edded (as i here the dressmaker a sain), a sittin at the pianner, an playjn of it quite aksidental like as if she didn’t expek no one, an he a standin afore the fire, with wun elber on the mantilpeecc, an wan hand a playing with his air, ana trying to look as if he didn’t no wot the supper ad cost im. It were all beautiful then; but ow it turned hout u shall here anuther day from ure umbel chareoman, “Jane Greer.”

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28 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE NOBLE HERCULES. Te papers inform us that “Lorn Brovenam is ex- pected to leave his chateau at Cannes.” Of course he will leave it at Gannes, for he will not think of attempting to bring it with him. We know the power of his ip in movmg the House of Lords, and we are aware that in former days the House of Commons bas been carried away by his power; but the announcement that he “will , leave his chateau at Cannes” is rather unnecessary. Any } attempt to bring his chateau with him would be a waste | of that energy and thought which we are glad to hear he still possesses, for higher and more useful purposes. } |THE (CHURCH) WARDEN OF WINCHESTER’S | GLEE, | ON THE OCCASION OF HIS COMBAT WITH THE MASTER OF &8T. CROSS. Ain.—" The Red Cross Knight.” stow, Warden, blow thy trumpet now, | And thy triumph sound on high ; For the paupers ne fought by thy own true hand, | And have won the victory ! The Warden had known their grievance long, And at length to the Zimes wrote he : “ 1 see that the Master of St. Cross With its funds has been making free.” | Then boldly the Warden his good cheque drew, | iw And instructed his men o “7 ’Gainst the proud Usurper of St. Cross, Now wage ye a legal war.” Full soon the Master drew in his horn, And “ peccavi” shouted he : THE MOUSTACHE MOVEMENT. | Now the beef be hutay beth foreld end young, Foot Boy. “Wett, Str, MASTER HIS AT ‘OME, BUT HE'S CONFINED TO HIS ROOM. | And the poor feast merrily ! | He's A GROWIN’ OF HIS MOOSTARSHERS, AND AIN’T ALLOWED TO SEE NOBODY BUT} y= nis "AIRDRESSER.” | oa WHEN GROG MAY BE TAKEN MEDICINALLY. (As soon as the Law for the Prohibition of the Sale of Liquors comes inte operation.) | Groce may be taken medicinally : After goose, or duck, or pork, or Irish stew, or any delicacy of the season, into which onions may have seasoningably entered. Invariably after salmon. When there is any washing being done at home. When the painters are in the house. : When a person feels faint, and doesn’t know what is the matter with him. : When a friend turns up after an absence of several years, or when you are WY any parting with a friend whom you do not expect to see for several years. Ve | | When a person has the toothache. WH When a person has lost at cards, or when a person has come into a large id} property. : Hh When a person has met with a great misfortune, or made a tremendous bargain. WL When a person has quarrelled, and when a reconciliation has taken place. When a person is riding outside a stage-coach, or is on a sea-voyage, or goes out between the acts of a five-act tragedy, or before ascending in a balloon, or after coming off the jury of a Coroner’s Inquest, or when you are sitting up for your wife, or when a friend drops in to smoke a cigar ;—and in fact, upon all suitable occasions of sadness or merriment, when a person feels rather low, or feels in very high spirits. | : PS Commercial Festivities. How Youne GENTLEMEN FROM SCHOOL GO TO SEE A { We learn from our social reporter that in spite, or perhaps rather, we should PANTOMIME NOW-A-DAYS.| | say, in consequence of the weather, the season in commercial circles has been a very festive’ one. Many an ice party has been got up suddenly by business men in London, while at Liverpool the brokers have been entertaining each other with | Your Literary Women. a series of snow-balls. =) | Lrrerary women (says Jenxrys) remind him of beantiful } flowers, that have been withered and dried between sheets Phrenology for the War Office. of blotting paper. Ix the event of war with Nicuo.as, it will be unnecessary to excite the ’ Destructiveness or Combativeness of Hea Masgsty’s subjects. The only thing | 17S requisite will be to appeal to their Benevolence ; for doubtless every Englishman! Tue Best Bart ror Preserving Tax Peace.—A Bale | w if consider it a charity to subscribe for the extermination of a gigantic vermin. of Cotton.

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| | | the weather is so cold, and the times are so hot, what could be more suitable im crete al Pad a> drab—as good as wit): Hh backs pare to the knout ; Mr. Bricut might PUNCH, OR THE LONDON, CHARIVARI. 29 CCUSTOMED as we are to! such matters, we have| pot often noticed a finer mstance of the — from “grave to than was exhibi other day by the to Assistant Judge at Middlesex Sessions. Jury had just al a prisoner guilty, “Me. Wrruam thought its set is case “The conttable remarked that the offemva com the priso ner wuss called‘ he mug on! a. Wrrmas.— The Deputy Judge commenced: | Cadling attention “ seriousiess ” ceeded to | jocose remark before @ prisoner to four years penal servitude, “I : | aes mug on him,” = tly witty observation of the judicial f ; rat whether the, learned gentleman vaited the action to the word by ‘ pulling a mag,” asthe slang goes, at the unfortunate prisoner, the does not enlighten us. A PILGRIMAGE TO RUSSIA. We have read of arduous pilgrimages, undertaken in the enthusiasm of faith, This would be just the season—both in the primary and secondary sense of the word —for such a display of earnestness on the part of the Peace Society. Now that every way to existing circumstances, than a depntati ion from that pacific association to bear the olive branch to the EMPEROR or Russta ? Do mag! those gentlemen and see how much wiser would be the course of ey CHOLAS may i of Peace, than that of sending a fleet into the Euxine i ding him that in his pipe—and smoke it ? ht approach the throne of the Autocrat in precede, performing on the dulcimer; Mx. Convex might follow playing a violin, and the rest of the come after, making music with “ flutes and soft recorders,” cornets @ pistons aad all o- instruments of harmony—which, of ‘ould be exclusive of Music “drew iron tears 's cheek.” Might it not even elicit some drops of pity from the eye of ? It hath charms to move the savage breast —or beast. Possibly it could mollify the heart of the Russian Bear. ANSWERS » SeeeEDEU MS. a are sorry to say we have rint the answers, a8 we the 10 Cnestion are pares aaaies 1. Because it’s C 2. Becanse iy Pom one ats eae nl weighs his axe." 3. An All Cape Percher (gutta percha). 4. The fiest place the roll is mustered, and in the! second the mastetd Se 5. When it’s a-niche-im (aa itching) of Buays. | 6. Because six postage stamps are equal to one kick. Ame.ia’s waxy-natur (raccinator), and Murruy’s Téte-a-Téte-or (tatur-| oe the following. However, Wee coed to be lost. As soon as} *tatur). 8. The one’s Civil, and the other Militia is (malicious) 9. Because formerly it was Nile (#iAi/), bu: now it is Summat of Mont Blanc. | 10. Because he’s made an impression with sealing-wax (ceiling-schacks). ll. The reason why St. Martin’s Lane is so full of dentists is because they know | well enough that their customers would never come to them unless they were first | driven by a Long Acher (Acre). 12. Because it is easier for him to hire his stand than it is for his opponent to | stand his ire 13. Because he throws his arms round his Sairey railing (his airey railing). | | i ] | “ Breacues or Decortm.”’—A Hichlander’s trowsers. ‘THE OLD HALL OF WESTMINSTER. Tur Surveeer’s Covwrenpasxe.—Chloroform. ————————— a WRITTEN ON THE FIRST DAY OF TERM. Somzwaat back of the Abbey wall Stands the ancient W ter Hall ; Half-way down there stands ics ete his hands ; in : Epsember dank ; days of T. days of in banc ; every time ea arse, Pen the As if ’t- were the of a and The yoice ae those words of —" “ Plaintiff—Defendant ! Defendant—Plaintiff |” Tn that Hall there used to be Besanets and hospitality, When Coronation cannons roared, Nobles feasted at its board ; But, like the skeletons at the feast, The usher’s echo never “ Plaintiff— Defendant ! ! ' Defendant—Plaintiff ! ”’ There of lawyers’ clerks have played, There barristers hare ome 0, pooen ae thou time of ease, pocket unoppressed b y Pree, clients ts negligently Defendants— Plaintiffs ! “ In that Court there sits, in black, The occupant of the Woollen Sack ; There, on a cushioned bench below, The officers sit in a dismal row ; And through the door, upon the stair, Stand like the pictures of jaintiff— Defendant ! Defendant— Plaintiff | ” All are scattered now, and fled ; em are married—suitors are dead ! own deaf, and some are blind - Zi costs in prison confined : ou ask the reason why, sa echo makes reply — * Plaintaff—- Defendant ' Defendant— Plaintiff ! ” Plamtiff here—defendant there ; Nothing for both but constant eare : And death and life their course shall ran, Before the Chancery Suit is done. The dirge of Law and Equity Peals for k intiff — cadet ! —Plaintiff !’’ i t “a

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Tom. TOOK “My FYE, NOW WE'VE PROM THEM, NOW 1 a — —— ———- iil THE MOUSTACHE MOVEMENT. ¥ HAT A "ORRID BORE IT MUST BE FoR THE Horricer SWELL, O WEARIN’ oUR Moostarsuers. Tue G LIST OF PRICES FOR PUFFS IN A PANTOMIME. 2s. a. lo a Greengrocer, for puffing his Gunpowder Tea, and the use of red-hot Poker : 5 0 0 To a Perfumer, for same on did fing his Bear's Grease, and trying r trank ; To Ditto, ifa Bear is introduced in any way in allus Rrssia, and « joke is made to hang thereon . To a Poulterer, if a Turkey is introduced in the “PY way in allusion to the war at present raging on the Banks of the Danube Toa Wine Merchant, “it his Sublime Porte is broug ght in ; with equal ingenuity Toa Bateher, whose Shop affords Clown an ‘opportunity of stealing the Sausages To a Publican, whose Bhop is made a Spirit. medium of Advertisement 10 j For & Placard on @ Wall, ora Board carried across the Stage 5 } For a Simple Allusion PS! For a Trick . For Ditto, with a joke ‘appertaining thereto . ; : a” | For Half « Scene : , 5 ' For Ditto, with practicable doors and wind: ‘ 2 0 i For an entire “ spill and pelt” See ' For Ditto, with numerable flats, tricks, changes, and fir rst- i rate jokes thrown in—all complete +," All Prepenttontobe hand by dee Altvertioore | *,* No Money returned, in the event of the Pantomime not being a success. Vivat Puff, no matter whether from Reginas or Priacipes. | | | | One of our “ Railway ~ yy ot we observe, begins iis series with an | “ Essay on the Guillotine.” such as this be exactly fitted to beguile the tedium of a journey ourselves, we certainly on sueh occasions incline to lively reading in | preference to deadly. if death is cannot help rhaps nowhere more suitable than en a railway, still we chink inking it is somewhat superfluous to draw a passenger's attention to any other engine of Railway Raillery. handsome We shall not stop to question if a — or But, although we may admit the contemplation than the railway engine. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON — CHARIVARI. AN UNGRATEFUL SUBJECT. Tuere is actually such a journal as the Dumfries Onur old friend is not a myth but a 4 man, Mx. Wreuiam R. M‘Dian, has letter to the Times dated from the Courier Office, - M‘DiarMip strongly In this commanieat} the warming hot water. There are Courier. A written a sie Who said to be yor yd a Sal the peace of Ww promoted by the plan where the souree of warm children can play with the their fingers ; so that the | arises from that cause would | to marry would be saved i and fenders, and persons | charwomen for the scrabbi spa by them. ae | necessary—under a e woes % | —to bee _ ~~ to pd od | supe ied, and no gentleman, ex a smoker, | required to consume his own smo che Transactions | the coal-merchant—which are not - when coals are | £2 a ton—would be reduced to a comvenient scale; as the | material in question would only be required for the pur- »ses of roasting the joint the boil, the said be mth fecilaated hy the } yom ad which opseations operations ot te mThinishe ag ort ers ever, of the hot water pipe ‘for the grate would aaa Be | comfort of the domestic hearth can be said, as hearth would be abolished ; and the old Christmas. cst of atering ronnie and ling t stories, | could hardly be maintained in the absence of anything to | gather vend but a heated eylinder. =} is & Calling Names on the Turf. WE perceive fos the Sporting. of the. Field that there is a horse called Sir Pees Lava. Surely \LS CAN’? TELL Hus there must be some mistake, for the name veegperag obviously intended for another animal. send me another Pot, GENT WRITES TO PUFFING PERFUMER. . Map Au,—lI have tried your invaluable Pommade, and have now. a pair of whiskers and moustachios.* Requesting you will “T am, your obliged Servant, “ Preperick SroonBi.” “ Wolverhampton, Jan. \Oth, 1854.” * May difference of acm never alter friendship.— Punch. Onn OF THE Wendie: OF HIS Metiedn Admiral on active service jat the age of ninety. Printed by With Oder in Lem! oma es of the Precimet of Whitefsiara, in the City of London, and Published by them at No. 5, Pleet No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Paneras. and Frederick Mallett Evans, of No.7, Church Row. Stoke Sertoeten, bath b Ge Comeyat Maen, anon eee ip tbe City of Londoa.—Sarussat, 21. 4 Screct, io the Pariahof Ss. Bride's - a

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| contemporary. But the retiring character of every x ir. Punch’s staff of artists (not one of whom can| | “424m Veweapoun, Court Milliner, Holborn. st | fered with his purpose, and he has been obliged to enlist literature in the required service. | of every kind bonght for Australia: parties vaited un. | mansions,* were filled with a gay and piittering throng. Wit flashed, grace charmed, | » Tapisraanc et Cix., Paris, France. | was Music wanting to complete the fairy-like illusion. One of ‘TWANGLETON’S magnificent | "te, and other articles of vertu may be had cheap. appearan | Was E a delightful smile on every lip when the lovely performer, abandoning Italian |’ T#ss# 4»P Co. (also & stunning sssorament of splay ‘PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 31 A look of unujiesahle remorse fo De Honse- | YSN 4 mWHs U® | Ley Down, and the two sylphs have fled. He EXOUISITE flings himself into an American rocking chair,“ re and ‘ite easy and delightful motion sends him | ~JENCRAVING f into » quiet slumber | Ny ot “ When he awakes, a light dead, gloved 4 | ; > js on his arm. for shame, | dotianenans Miss Lavi- y asleep. Then you owe us two boxes of ves "tae five and a quarter— — tee for yourself, and here is her hand at. it not pretty ?” “©! ifshe would let me hold is for ever!” | said Le phe Dewy, op catheenelly | wal you er pretti _ replied La Lava have been talking to her | and she confesses that, wotil she knew | we Nay, La said the blushing A ay, ~ =i s WGUSTA, | “This is But if Aveustus—L mean ELEY Downx—really means—” a> Fates or say that on that da; day | | bridal breakfast. ~= Unrvensat anp Co. was oan in gene om fg a or that neatest wedding carriage (a terna) ever ow by the same parties stood at its | : “4 ; continued when more ADVERTISEMENTS come in.) * To be let from August to January. Apply on the premises, » Large bottles, Ss.; small ditto, 3*, 6d. Sold by all per- e "Manufactory, where all sizes may be seen, 06, Squalor THE ROMANCE OF ADVERTISING. : bee ape Mere ts ‘ Pub d by De and Durasy, Music-sellers, Kat- z z STORY cliffe Hi 4 FASHIONABLE STORY. - 1 aera Road. [Mr. Puxcn had intended to give the following puffs in an engraving, according to the custom of his Parisian| " Mu. and Mas. Sraytarus, Oxford Street. be prevailed upon to withdraw himself from intense mingle in society, and observe the fashions) inter-| ," 1644s, Hawt, and Co, Houndaditch ; also old clothes ' Tinser, Exeter Areade. = Miss PasTeeoanp's Repository, Clapham Lower Road (ADVERTISEMENT. } Recs. > The brilliant saloons of Havtxosiess House, one of the finest of our Metropolitan} ° '.\u"una'Maneue hemet sereet, entree and Beauty, enhanced by the power of ELVETEEN’S Lotion,” smiled upon the scene. Nor! * Cursse10m Ginvons, New Road, where tazsas, tomb- grand pianos, (thirteen omen and a half, and treble action) touched by the white and taper| « Wasson = pyr Anpom, Tailors, West End. fingers of the elegant and Honourable Lavinia Monrormineton, pupil of Sicwor Pyzzicato,*| + isaace ano Co. again. gave forth its sparkling ed duleet tones. Ali was gay and gorgeous, and as was beautifully! * 5*os» saxo Guwr, Shirtmakers, City. * Pump amp Tramenn, the Linle Mud-boot, Holborn. observed an accomplished reporter," who waited in the hall, “the lights shone o’er brave! ; Sieemeanes bi Seameane, Pestbamen MeGten (hols fair men.’ cut in the ne plus ultra of fashion, charge 3d. ). ces deceive. Were all hearts cay, as that delicious music pervaded the halls?! * Issacs ano Co. again. melodi , with unutterable sweetness, the new, original, and highly effective ballad | Pritg’ Pist® ené coloured, the very thing for swells up to i Dash from y Brow that Diamond Wreath,” and instantly made it the song of the season?‘ + 7 House, Wapping. - (A putt wanted on exchange | eae etal ~ — - ae J — W Lewy —. i | ligh =~ tor 77 jameiene prejerred, but butcher r titul couch of ebon erimson velyet, richly carve serou.® Her). Warehouse, City Road. | face is lovely in its pensiveness, and her toilette—who shall worthily describe its simplicity of |» py tee oo en d exquisite richness ?—that perfect corsage,” that delieate pink satin, under blonde,' those imimit-| _* Which, as he is « man of taste, no doubt he Bought at | able bracelets, malachite — pearl,* that classic wreath, purple grapes and silver leaves,! that | w. red ak peg daily. gossamer fan,” those tin slippers," into whieh the foot of Cixpzx£.Ls might try to enter in| « pag yn « applies with increased fores. vain. She has a grief, that ¢ creature, and though her richly broidered handkerchief ° | falls upon the superb carpet, and contrasts in its cobweb lightness with the nobly artistic === strength of the Aubusson,’ she heeds it not. x e.. hat handsome leaning on the boldly carved Gimme sions: ’ Nicholas’ Great Sham. of the rb vase upon it, as the beaut lessly guardsman, at Goeatly y wrapped in admuration chef d euore’ might well deserve? He is faultlessly attired. How elegantly fits t ths cont | Ir seems that the Exrrnon or Russia is how neatly sits the vest, how easily, yet how tastefully, fall those matchless trousers.’ The | pony ye the claims of the Comte pe Cuam- very studs ' in his nobby shirt-front * the scholar and the gentleman. What an aris-| BORD, im the hopes, we suppose, that the Come, | toeratic foot, how well cians, * How delicate the aroma” which exhales from the kerchief | W when he comes to the Freuch throne as Henny he presses to his lofty brow. That is Avevstus Cuaates PiantaceyeT pe Honsexey | THE Frets, will help him in his designs against Dowx, for whom a hundred heiresses sigh, and who sighs for her who presses that Turkey. these insane hopes ever be | ottomen. Khe Zertem, question will reduce itself , They occasionally steal a glance at each other, and when their eyes meet, the » lofty po ae! to 4 ) eee tera , on which occasion, we of Avousres and the fair complexion of AsasetLa—why conceal ber name ?—are suffused av PaLwenston will act as the Judicious with crimson. She plays nervously with her pretty mother-o’ -pearl bad tablet,* and he neat to desernd to the cellar, the affecting to admire the new, piquant, and fascinating engraving—“ Beer, Sir?” ’ But this! jon will be between a bottle of Sublime | comaet @> oe. It is observed by the songstress, who has concluded her ‘brilliant ballad, and | Porte and Cham-Bordeaux. 5 = them with arch mischief in her glance. y—silly—silly babies,” exclaims the high-bred beauty (who was educated at Mapawe | PAviitox’s fashionable Establishment, * and is one of its numerous successes). “ So they a Tyre or Concert.—An auther having | won’t speak, won’t they? Then they ‘shan’ t. Come with me, Aveusta, dear.” his love-letters printed. VOL, XXVI. zE

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32 _PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Mr Kula. U asks I perceive a very nasty smell; if it wasn’t for THE DOMESTIC REFORMER; the ladies, I should say—stink. rs. P. So I’ve been telling Mr. Paterramt.ias; but, of course, OR HOW MR. PATERFAMILIAS MADE HOME HAPPY. he can’t smell it. Scent 4—What came of Ma. Patexramicias having the Gasin. Mr. Socker’s arrangements being completed, and Mas. Fieat-ractas replace! by a cook of more adoancet ideas, a dinner-party has heen arranged, at which the merits of the -cooking apparatus are to he triumphantly displayed before a Sctiaguished circle, including Ma. Betiows, the graat guadiioal and analytical chemist ; Mia. Torrie, the eminent stati ; Ma. Tay, the well-known gourmet, his lady (authoress of “ The Philosophy of the Kitchen”); Min. Kecessy, Mas. P.’s wacle, from whom she has expectations, and whom Mu. P. is desirous to convert from his stubborn adherence to old ways, &¢. wre dinner. Mir. P.’s dressing-room. Mr. P. is putti touch to his white waistcoat. Mas, P. in attendance, on, and leaping wildly in the burners. Ur. P. (sniffing). No, Mas. P., no. thing. Mrs. P. Then it mast be the cold im your head, my dear. I’m sure [ smell it, all over the house—and do look, Ma. P., how it’s jumping ip and dowa! It’s been doing that ever since it was lighted. I hope it’s not going to blow up, as it did at. the Simxisses, you know. Ur. P. The smell is imaginary; but there c ertainly i is considerable SCiliation. Urs. P. (alarmed). ¥i?—Considerable what, dear ? Ur. P. Oscillation—tremulous, irregular movement, Mas. P. Would you look in my pocket for the little treatise with a green cover—the “ Hints to Gas Consumers,” [I mean—it will no doubt explain the Bef the last he gas is I cannot say that I smell any- cause, and suggest the remedy. Mrs. P. (looking for the little treatise). Oh, if we’re to have those nasty troublesome fitters in again! (Pausing abruptly.) By the bye, talking of the fitters, have you got in Socket’s bill yet ? Ur. P. (uneasily). Yes, yes. Urs. P. (timidly). And how much is it, my dear ? Vr. P. Why, there were considerable deviations, you know— Urs. P. (pertinaciously). Bat how much does it come to ” Ur. P. (still more uneasily). Of course, eye-estimates can only be approximate — Urs. P. (doggedly). How much did you say, Mr. P ? Ur. P. There certainly appears to be more tubing charged than I was prepared for, or Socket either; and then the replacing of the ornices, and the taking up the hoarding in the hall of course were included in his caleulation. Vrs. P. He said from £30 to £35, you know. Ur i Well, it certainly comes to more than that. ng Mrs. P. 1t’s £50—I’m sure it is, Ma. P.,—£50, if it’s a shilling. Ur p striving in vain to change the conversation). Eh! jsn’t that a ring at the front door ? Urs. P. (dolorously pursuing her train of thought). 1 always thought iow it would be. I’m sure it’s more than £50. It was £64 at the Srmmkisses, you know. Bat that’s the way—if you had only let me séttle with the man first! Oaly to think—£50! and that smeil all over the house, Vr. P. (who has completed his toilet). Mas. Parerrawrias, I must beg you to withhold any further remarks in this tone. The expense is affair. And what is a paltry sum of £72 compared to the ultimate ' saving “ire P. be for poisoning all the family, and perhaps blowing us all ) in our beds, like balloons! But I hope you don’t mean to pay it ? Wr. P. ‘(anthoritatively). How long are our guests to be kept 1iting, Mrs. P? Urs. P. 7% least, I hope you'll put the gas out before we leave the room. I declare I’m afraid to touch it. Wr. P. (majestically turning off the gas). Beautiful Katirely dispenses with the necessity for bedroom candles, that (ruitful source of accidents in families. (Groping his way towards the door, he tumbles over his cold-water bath.) Confound the bath ! Mrs. P. At least they saved one from breaking one’s shins. pishly). Where are you, Mr. P. ? Mr. P. (oho has with some trouble reached the door). Here, my dear. | They grope towards each other in the dark, and ereunt. Mus. P. in the worst possible humour, Mr. P. a little cowed, hut still firm in his allegiance to gas. invention ! ( Saap- Scene changes.—The Drawing Room. The odour of the gas very decided. *handelier winking violently. the party. Mr. Bellows. trogen. ests assembled. The centre A slight but general sniffing pervades Yes. I distinetly detect the presence of sulphuretted Ur. Tottle. After all, the quantity of that deleterious agent mast be insignificant. Let me see; this room is about 20 by 15, and 9 high— um —might [ trouble you for a pencil, Ma. Bettows! (BeLtows hands him one) That gives a about 2,500 cubie feet of air. Six burners—the escape from each burner in half a minute 72 cubic imehes ; about gsfoz ths of the total quantity of air inthereem. A mere , you see, my dear Madam. Mrs. P. (not a bit dashed by this imposing array of figuras). All | know is there’s a dreadful smell. Mr. Kecksy. That 1 can answer for. Urs. Y wg ~ we ay . St cold thek Mr. Kecksy. And give me my death of eo! Wr. Bellows. \f you’ ll allow me, there is a eet chon te test for detecting the presence of the highly deleterious gasweare now inhaling. Might I trouble you to ring? [Mus. P. rings. Eater SPRAGGS. Mr. Bellows. Oh, would you fetch a small battle-you will find in my hat in the hall? It’s labelled “ Porson. (Hart Spaaces. Mrs. P. Good gracious, Mr. Bettows, you dowtmean to say you go leaving poison about like that, with such a boy as Newzow in the house, too ! Re-enter Svraces with phial. Mr, Bellows. \t is to avoid accidents from the inquiring disposition - the younger branches of families that I have it so conspicuously labe led. it is a saturated solution of acetate of lead. (He assumes the lecturer's tone and manner, suiting the action to the word.) You will observe, I moisten a piece of writing-paper with thesolution. Torrze, will you unscrew one of those burners ? [Torrie jumps up on to one of the best worked chairs. Mrs. P. (in agonies). Oh, mind, those chairs aren’t strong, Ma. Torrie, and you’re such a weight. Ur. Bellows. ( hold the paper over the stream which issues from the pips ; should the gas be impure it will communicate to the “ a brown stain, the sulphuretted hydrogen combining with the lead and forming sulphuret of le ad. (He jumps down.) ould you replace the burner, Ma. Tortie? | All crowd round.) You will perceive, Mas. PATERPAMILIAS, the paper is now of a dark brown colour approaching to black, and has a metallic lustre. You see your gas is highly impure, my dear M adam, shamefully impure. Ur. P. (absorbed in the experiment). Urs. P. (triumphantly). Wr. Kecksy. world. Urs. Tammy (enthusiastically), Oh, what a mighty lever is science, in the present day ! Most interesting. There, my dear, [ told you so. , So did my nose. [’|l back that against any test in the Mr. Tammy (reflectively). And our dinner to-day—cooked by gas, isn’t it, P. ? Ur. P. (calmly, but with pride). Everything; from the soun to the souffl ot! Urs. Tammy. How delightful ! ; Ur. Kecksy (aside to Mx. Tortie). Umph! Dignified appearance of the GREENGROCER at the door. we shall see. Greengrocer. Dinner is served, Mum. The quests are duly marshalled, and file out. An interval of ten minutes. Scene changes.—The Dining Room. The removed. An ominous silence prevails. soup and fish have heen Mrs. P. looks resigned. but a vein of secret satisfaction mingles with | Mn. P. has assumed a forced cheerfulness. her sadness. Vr. P. (to Mr. Tawny). A glass of sherry, Tammy? wine). What do you say to the turbot ? — Tammy (cautiously). Eh—uwn—well, I couldn’t help thinking— Kecksy ? “e Kecksy. Caught in a gasometer, / should think ! Ur. P. Come, come, Mr. Kecxsy, you are prejudiced, (4 mournful siience. Urs. P. (with impatient disgust at Mr. P.’s shallow obstinacy). Oh, Mr. P., how can you, when everybody must have tasted the gas Ur. P. Now, Mr. Bettows, [ appeal to you. have communicated itself to a fish under such circumstances ? Ur. Bellows (evading the question). Ah, you should have used my patent purvfier. he pieces de résistance and entrées have by this time been placed upon the table. Ur. P. A saddle of mutton. Those are boiled fowls at your end of the dag Mas. P.? (A violent oscillation of the lights. Mr. Kecksy. Holloa? Mrs. P. Yes, it will keep jumping like that all over the house. (They take Could suc - a flavour |

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ee M Belli we. Ah, the cause may be easily detected. hising from the quest into the l-cturer.) The first question is, is it general or partial ? in the main or in the fittings? If in the former, you must apply fo the Company ; if in the latter, you have merely to turn off your lights one after another, beginning with that which oscillates the most, until the rest burn steadily. Mrs. P. Oh! but hadn’t we better wait till after dinner ? Mir. P. (wildly attempting to create a diversion). Let me recommend some of this saddle, Mn. Bextows. (Nervously (o Tammy, who has been heiped, and puts down his knife and fork to Mx. P.’s consternation. Well, Tamary, what do you say ? Mr. Tammy. Well, 1 don’t know, but I can’t help thinking—perhaps it’s faney. Eh, Kecxsy? Mr. Keckay. No, 1’ll be hanged if it is. Here, take away my plate. Mr. P. Underdone, eh? Let me give you some nezrer the point. Mr. Keeksy (eagerly). No, thank you. (Mmphatically.) My good fellow, the sooner you drop your gas-cooking’ apparatus the better. Mrs. P. (with a burst of litter satisfaction), There; Mn. P.! What did I always tell you? [The chandelier, after a wild fit of flame, sudilenly goes cut altogther. Confusion. The voice of Mus. P. is heard through the darkness with a Sibylline emphasis. Mrs. P. Oh! do sit quiet everybody, it ’s going-to blow up! Mrs. ‘l'amey throws her arms round her next neighbour. Mr. Keeksy. Bring candles, can’t you? Don’t cling to me, somebody. Mr. Bellows (with the calm self-possession of science), The introduction of anaked light may be attended with fatal consequences Mr. P. Really, 1 must apologise; it’s most annoying. What can have happened? Turn off the taps, Ma, BerLtows; you are calm. W hat can have happened ? (The ladies shriek ; Mn. Kecxsy swears hubbub heard in the passage. A general confusiom A Eater Srnacas, lugging in Master Newton. Spraggs. 1t’s Masten Newrtow, Sir. He’ve bin and let all. the water out o’ the meter. Cook ketehed him at it, and all the lights:has gone out like winkin’. Mr. P. (groping for his delinquent son), Here—w\iere is he? Sir, come to me this minute, I ’!l teach you— Newton, Oh, please, pa, I ouly wanted some of the water out of the meter. Mr. P. (who has seized his son and is about to inflict summary chastise ent). Some of the water, Sir. What for? Vewton. Oh, please, papa, it was only to analyse it out of m Chemist.” Mr. P. (suspending his stern resolve Mx. Bexiows, did you hear that? 1’m really very } Newrton’s unconquerable scientific bent should have caused any momentary inconvenience; but I ask you all, as parents, as persons interested in the development of your children’s respective intelligences, can I, ought I to punish a child like this ? Mr. Kecksy. 1 should say, decidedly, yes. A young rascal ! Mr. P. By the tone of that remark, I can at once gues from whom t proceeds. Mr. Kecxsy, Sir, I pity you. ir. Kecksy. Pity me, Sir! How dare you pity me, Sir? Pooh, Sir! [He jumps up from the table. General confusion. Mrs. P. Oh, Uncue Kecxsy, it’s my husband! Oh, Mn. P., it’s my uncle! Oh, do bring lights—if the gas is all turned off—oh—oh— oh—h—h—h ! Exit Mas. P. into hysterics. Prolonged and profound sensation. Scene closes on the darkness. NEWTON, * Little He horels Proudly). To analyse it! sorry that my A lapse of five hours. Grand trio, Mn. P. snoring ; The connubial couch of Mx. and Mrs. P slect pattering against the the wind howling without; and the window-panes. Mrs. P. (waking up with a sudden start), Oh, gracious! (Nudging Mr. P. violently.) My dear—my dear! (Repeats her nudges. Mr. P. (testily). Eh—Maus. P.! Why this violence? What’s the matter ? Mrs. P. 1 do believe. nobody ever turned off the main near the meter, in the coal-hole in the area—did you ? Mr. P. Oh, bother! Yes; of course somebody did. Mrs. P. (bitterly). And you expect me to lie here and put up with an answer like that? Somebody, indeed! You never turned it off, Mr. P. You know you never did. Mr. P. Well, what can it matter ? P., will you allow me to go to sleep ? Mrs. P. What! and all the mains charged, and half the taps in the house open, 1’ll be bound. And you, the father of a family! Oh, Mx. P:, I’m astonished how you can lie there and say such things —(nudye)—and sleep, and snore—(#udge—and \et your family be blown up before your very eyes—(udge)—beeause you’re too lazy—( Mu. P. He is violently shaken Mus. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 33 groans)—yes, lazy—even to get up and go down stairs, and through the area into the coalhole, and turn off the main ! Mr, P. Do you hear the wind, Murs. P., and the sleet ! Mrs. P. And do you smell the gas, Mr. P.? And do you koow we may have the house full of it before morning—and the first lucifer the servants light, we may all be shivered into a thousand picees, and blown out into the street, through the front wall? (Vwdge.) Do you hear, Mn. P.?—are you going to get up? It’s no use your snoring. I’m not going to close an eye, I can tell you, Mr. P. (wildly springing out of bed, with an exclamation we will not print), ——the woman! Now km up—will that satisfy you? (Shivers.) Ugh!—how cold it is! (Groping for his garments.) Wind cuts like a knife—and all those stone:steps to go down! Scene closes on Mux. 2. iwavarchof his inexpressibles. THE SHAVING LINE IW STAFFORDSHIRE. Cornesronvent of the Staffordshire Sentinel complains that Mx. Porsytu, the manager of the North Stafford. shire Railway, has or- dered all the men em- ployed on the line, except the engine-dri- vers, to cut off their beards and moustaches on pain of instant dis- wissal, aud actually did discharge some who re fused to obey this truly barbarous edict Whether this blow at the moustache move- ment was struck by Mr. Fonsyru off his own bat, or at the in- stance of his superiors, our ‘nformant saith not. Most probably the mandate to mow the chin, and reap the upper lip, was issued in the first place by the Directors; at least, we know that on most railways those gentlemen’ are determined close shavers. It is gross vyranny to inter- fere with the mugs of railway servants, except for the regulation of their indulgence in beer, and Mr. Forsyru, or his Directors, should consider that a beard does not prevent a pointsman from turning his points properly, neither has a tuft the effect of causing clerks to make mistakes in booking ; moreover, that the proscription of the last-named ornament must greatly prejudice the Imperial interests. THE LAWYERS ON THE MOVE. We are glad to hear that the superior Courts are about to undergo removal from Westminster Hall, for they have been at a stand still for want of business so long that anything in the shape of a move will be desirable. We understand that to avoid the contemplated expense of the removal, Mn. Bareriess has rtaken to move the Court of Queen’s Bench for half a guinca—a sum for which he has moved it before, and will be happy to move it again whenever the opportunity is allowed him, It has been suggested that the profession has lately been such a sorry look-out in Westminster Hall, and that Law has indeed become so poor, that the Poor Law Removal Act might be resorted to for the proposed arrangement. Poor Dunur maintains the position—though he can searcely maintain himself—that the idea of any outlay for the purpose of moving the Courts is absurd, for from the lack of business Westminster Hall is of itself a moving spectacie. A PENNY SAVED AND A PUNCH GOT. Mn. Puncn presents his compliments to Mu. Pusancut, and will trouble that gentleman to request’ Mus. Stinnina to make a slight addition to an exceedingly proper observation she offers, as “ Comedy,” in the very t piece, the Camp at the Olympic. Mus. Srimuine remarks, in her very jest stage manner, “ And who for wit in comedy would seek, When Puscu Himexucr is but « groat « week?” To prevent unha something of “ Pourpence, I mean, to country friends supplies him, The favoured Loudoner for threepence buys lin,’ iness and misconception, would Mu. Piascuk add ? With this addition the Camp will become a charming little piece. : ¥ q

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oT Nha) A ——= ESN ON) (aS = — he hdhit r y Lut Hh) he * 4, Peay te +I 33 bay

THE SPEECH FROM THE THRONE. ts it may possibly, though not probably, be delivered on Tuesday next, (Excuusive.) My Lorps anp GewTLEMEN, “ T am very glad to see you again, and to welcome you back to the Palace of Westminster. The weather has *n uncommonly cold lately, This reminds me to mention that the ventilation of these Houses has been a good deal attended to, during the recess, and [ hope ou will be comfortable. If not, please to impeach the people in and [ will take care that they get their deserts—at least. “| see that a good many of you have followed the moustache move- ment. Well, some of you are improved by it, others not. Mx. Sreaxer, | observe, still shaves, but if he will search for precedents, he will find that his predecessors have often worn the ornament in question. f don’t think Lorp Joun Russetx’s looks well, and Mr. Rorsuck’s is decidedly a bad colour. Mr. Senseant Suee I fear ‘dyes his moustaches, or they would never be so black. But Ldo not see any which look so well as those of my august Consort. (EE R. H. dows.) “ T do not hear anything satisfactory about the o bat it has been rumoured that my theatre is to be opened by Sicno® Puzzs. If so, I suppose I shall have the pleasure leon you all there—my right reverend friends of course excepted: - But do not neglect divisions. “Tf am happy to tell you that my i ig Mrrcwets has secured Mapame Jenny Loyp, at an enormous . She says that she will sing at concerts only, but we shall see about that. Suppose I should ‘command’ the Sonnambula? Lf so, I should not wonder to learn that both Houses of you fouud nothing on the paper to keep you that night. “{ hear that Cochin China fowls are going out of fashion, and Bramah Pootras are coming in. I think [ shall keen to the old ones. [ hope you have all seen the capital pictures on the subject in Puach’s <a oe ; if not, my Ministers shall have them laid on the table of both uses. “[ am very happy to tell you that [ have given rather a broad hint to a parcel of visitors that 1 shall now be busy with public business, snd that they must keep at home. You know that some folks will force themselves upon me, and one can’t be rude. I rather think that fanlt iALLLL,

DURING THE FROST A CERTAIN FOX-HUNTER INCREASES IN WEIGHT, AND GETS TOO BIG FOR HIS CLOTHES. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

I shall have a. flying call from my pretty young friend, Evcente BowAaPARTE, one Py these and must make time to look in on you. hether her h will come, is uncertain. I do not know that I shall imvite him, unless those Chambord and Orleans people give a party, in which case | decidedly will, to mark my sense of their conduct, “ GENTLEMEN oF THe Hovss or Commons, “TI shall fake it as a personal favour if you will begin business as soon as you talk ag little as possible, and rise rather hefore than after twelve at night. I have privately requested Mr. Guapstowe to restrict: hi toe six hours’ speeches, and Mx. Diseagi to ten winutes, exclusive, as regards the latter, of intervals for expressive action. As-Ma, Macavzay does not say much, and the other two are about the only Papen gm you care to hear, I trust I have made satisfactory provision your comfort. The more people you cough down the better. “ GENTLEMEN or THE Ruporters’ Gavieny,

“T beg that you will have the goodness to condense all reports | as much as possible; report no Member of the Brigade, nor any | Member, be he who he may, who rises after half-past twelve. Indeed you will oblige me, as well as your wives, by retiring at that hour. “My Lorps ann GenTLeMEN, “T don’t mean to be kept im town one hour after the first week in July; so whether your work be done or not, you know when to have your country houses ready. “T have only to say that we are all quite well at the Palace, and we shall always be happy to see any of you there. Lunch is ready every day at two. I take mine with the children, but the Provce will receive you. Good morning to you all.” “To Persons about to Marry.” Cons1DERING the rubbish that is mostly sold at the cheap Furniture Marts, the poor deluded individuals, who buy their chairs and tables and four-post bedsteads there, generally turn out Furniture Mart-yas.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 37

WHO ’LL CUT HIS NAILS. a tak eye some Chirovodist —_ cutting the nails of the tiger in the me- nagerie at Hull. The operation was successfully _per- formed, and the animal has been much quieter ever since. Now we wish some one would take the Russian Bear in hand, and achieve a similar feat (no = mtended) with is nails. They have been getting dreadfully long lately, and the con- sequence is, that he has been wishing to come up to the scratch in all direc- tions. It is time they were cut ; for the wretched beast goes howling about in a great rage, being evidently on a false footing, and in great pain from the awkwardness of his position. It is evident he will do injury either to himself, or to any one who happens to go near him, if some powerful remedy is not quickly applied. The case is at present interesting the attention of both England and France ; and we hope in a short period to be able to announce the pleasing fact, that all the difficulties in the way have been effectually removed, and that at last the Russian Bear has had his nails cut! The sooner this great chiropodic event takes place, the better; for lately the unfortunate beast has been making such a dreadful noise, that he has quite disturbed the peace of Europe. FREEDOM OF THE FREE HOSPITAL. Supsornep is part of a biography of an eminent surgeon which appeared lately in the Laacet, accompanied by an illustration ridieu- lously faithful to the text :— “In stature Ma. Hawcock is rather below the middle height. His countenance is animated, tho features strongly marked, and the quick intelligence of a dark eye gives an expressive sharpness to lineaments, in which may be found harmoniously blended indications of kindness, intelligence, resolntion, and thought. In his manner there is an admixture of serene drollery and serious consideration, combining, too, the suuviter in modo with the for titer inre. With his pupils he is always found to encourage the industrious, to stimulate the inattentive, and, by his solicitude for the interests of all, he is deservedly considered in his school as a genera! favourite, and is looked up to by the students as the pupils’ friend. His style of lecturing is peculiar, and partakes of the AsgxyveTsias order both in matter and manner. whilst the illustrative cases, from their point, and the oceasional anecdote, from its pungency, remind us strongly of the palmy days of Guruaisz and Coorzs.” Never mind, at present, the professional question as to the system lately adopted by certain medical journals of puffing living practitioners | by publishing their lives. Attention for another pomt. Were anybody to ask Mr. Hancock whether he wrote the above glowing description of his own personal appearance and professional merits himself, the fittest answer that Mr. Hancock could give would consist, to speak | anatomically, first, in a contraction of the psoas magnus, iliacus internus, biceps, semitendinosus, and semimembranosus muscles, and then by a | ditto of the rectus, the vastus externus, and crureus ditto, or, more ver- | nacularly, in an elevation of the thigh and a flexion and extension of the leg, giving the poller pedis or great toe a strong impulse, and causing the anterior extremity of the boot to impinge. The Committee of the Royal Free Hospital, however, have not scrupled to put a precisely similar question to a gentleman—Mx. Gay, late Surgeon to their institution—and because they were not satisfied with his answer to it, have dismissed him from his office—in which he had earned much credit and reputation, but little else, during a period of seventeen years. The daily newspaper reader will have seen that a meeting was held the other day at the Hanover Square Rooms for the purpose of considering the ‘best means that could be adopted to protect Mr. Gay from the consequences of his dismissal. A biography of Mz. Gay had appeared in the Medical Circular— unaccompanied by any remarks upon his features, such as the above. But it contained matter offensive to the Committee; praise of Mr. Gay | at the expense of their Lazaretto. It spoke slightingly of the exterior of that edifice, and disparagingly of the internal arrangements thereof, in so much as the following passage amounts to :— “Ttis net too much to say that the position the Hospital has assumed is almost solely owing to the exertions of Ma. Gay; but for the success of his surgical opera- tions, the Hospital would be little known.” Upon the strength of this not very strong diseommendation of the Royal Free ital, the persons constituting its-eommittce addressed the following note to Mr. Gar :— “Dean Srm,—In conformity with a par. Committee of Menagemans <5 Sip aan, 5 Gee the liberty of submi' to you the following questions :— “1. Was the manuscript or proof ef your Biography published in a medical paper of the date of the 30th of March last, seen by you previously to its publication ? “2. Did you supply any part of that Biography “3. Lf that Biography was published without your knowledge or sanction, have you written to the publisher to piain of any statements orailegations it contained ’ “If you will favour me with an early repty, I shall be obliged, and am, dear sir, “ Yours, &c. “WW. H. Puen.” To these cool interrogations Mu. Gay distinetly replied that he had had nothing whatever to do with the biography, either in the ways particularised, or in any other, except in — supplied the editor with the mere facts of his birth and education. For the rest, he had simply taken no notice of it. These answers were voted by the Committee unsatisfactory. They were so, without doubt. But a body of men cannot be kicked. Treating Mr. Gay as their servant—in plush—these provle next requested him to write a letter to the Editor of the Medical Circular, in order to the correctionof the Cireular’s article. A hospital surgeon will do much to keep his employment—though it be its own remuneration. Mr. Gay complied ; in as far as concerned the misstatements of the Vedical Circular. But this compliance again was unsatisfactory; the Committee dismissed Mr. Gay, and a Court of Governors confirmed his discharge. Hospital Committees and Courts of Governors have a perfect right to do what they like with their own. Undoubtedly they may treat their surgeon with as much insolence and injustice as they please. They pay their guinea, and receive their power—the privilege of being able to bully and insult a gentleman is one of the chief advantages of their subscription, ‘To talk to them is idle. The appeal lies to the College of Surgeons. When a surgeon is tyranically and unjustly deprived of his offiee, like Mr. Gay, let the Council of that body set a mark upon the fellow who dares to fill his vacancy. Let its members decline to meet the sneak in consultation, and fet all grades of practitioners combine to hiss the snob out of the Profession. Free Hospital, July U5, 1853. by the

“Joux Gay, Esq.” “(Signed) THE AFFAIRS OF ROME AND OXFORD. (By Electric Telegraph.) Tre dome of St. Petvn’s was illuminated last night ; and afterwards the Pore gave a ball at the Vatican. Carpiva, Wiseman and the other Cardinals attended, and all the English residents received special invitations. The cause of these extraordinary festivities was the pro- spect of another Tractarian member for the University of Oxtord in the person of Sra Witttam Hearncore, Bart.; who, if returned for that seat of learning, may be confidently expected to carry out the views of his spiritual director, Ma. Kestx, which are supposed to be very nearly identical with those of Da. Newman. The //i/debrand, or Gregorian Quadrilles, otherwise called the Papal Lancers, were danced with much spirit, his Hoxivess figured in his usual style in the Pastorale. The Borgia Galop was executed with enthusiasm; and the evening concluded with the good old-fashioned country dance, in which all the company joined, of S¢ Ignatius Loyola. Deciphering Cyphers. Some little boys have been amusing themselves in deciphering the cyphers that appear occasionally in the Times. We wish they would exercise their ingenuity in translating Lonp Anerpexn~—anywhere, so long as he was translated out of the Ministry—for we look upon him as being the greatest Cypher of the present day. VIGURES THAT MUST NOT BE QUESTIONED. _ Tue Spirit-Rappers have not tried their skill yet upon a Multiplica- tion Table. But, perhaps, they do not wish to rap an answer out of one, knowing that, if such a Table answered at all, it would most likely speak only in round numbers. A COCKNEY’S QUESTION ON THE WAVY. Dogs a Port Admiral mean an Admiral who is laid down for a long series of years, and not decanted for service till he is very old ?

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. _ . tem wg A= < . aif —— i on <—owee = Our Artist “Gogs To Nature.”—Jan. 1854. MRS. JANE GIMLET ON THE FESTIVITIES OF THE SEASON. “ Feast Lain, Grinnidge, hateenth Janiwaryhatingfiftifore. ONNERD Srer, “ As I was sain wen I leff off ritin last, the gestes was begin tocum. It were a large party for Missus Porktns; she is none to amost all her father’s congregashun, an he is quite a populous preechur. I were in the teeroom, a handin of em their tees an eoheat an con- ' sekevently I see em all butifal, the ladies a smoothin out their gownds as ad got creeshed a little, an the gents a runnin their fingers thro their air, wich the ats ad flatened the top curls. It were fine to see ow silent they wos, an kept hiein on another hout o the corners of their | hies an purtendin to be lookin hother ways. The ladies wos dressed butiful, sum in wite hover pink with wite sattin noods, an sum in fee hover wite with pink sattin noods, and huthers in airyfan an elusion, an wen I see their fresh yang faces an shiny hair with long pendings of ribbond a cummin hout hover their combes an hangin down their baks like bell ropes, an their brite eyes an white neks, an see em a glidin an a slidin hin an hout as if they wos too lite to walk, an britenin hup wen they heerd the moosic in the next rume, as if | they’d been a part of the toone, I felt proud of my seks, though poverty | wos my lot, an charin wos my mishun. But the men wos mostly way- faced creeturs with holler hies an thin chekes, an many on em tho yung wos a gettin bald, wich I am told its the want of fresh hair and the sedingtary life as maks em grow so, wile my Jon, as is twice as old, ave his ed kuvvered with air as stiff as a dore mat an as blak as a kole | skuttle, wich shos the gndness of Natur in sendin air were ats is not so easy kum by, an baldness to them as can get huther kiverings. There wos honely wun rele carritch, for most on em cum in cabs, wich

| woodnt be sence to argle an bargle for a hodd sixpens afore cumpanee ; * Wen air the carritches hordered ?’ they sez, an ‘ Tell the cocheman the | huther carritches is hordeied at tu,’ sez they, as if it wos their hone famly coche, and not cum hout of a muse at ten shillin for the hevenin and suffin for the driver. Muissus Brownsones of Brownjones Park (she stud at the fontin for Missus Porkins, an giv Reverenp StocuM a horgand for his church, an stands a trete of anthiums au beer to the skule children anniwally,) was the wun as cum in her hone carritch, an her grate hosses cum a prancin an a slitherin in the gutter, till they fritened Miss SmiratoMson, as wos steppin hout. of the seedan (wich Jones the greengrocer, two stretes hoff, Ths it hout at hateenpence a jurney), so that she let her ridicule fall into the mud, an droped her calash off her pore old ed, an got into such a twitter as nothin could be like it, nor coodat heven speke till she ad drank tu glasses of kneegus an 38 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. lamost a pint of tee. Last of all cum Reverend Srocum hisself, | lookin as butiful as he de wen he preech, with his sno white ankercher

the cabman allus asked more than ig fair, an got it too, cos they |

in one hand, an the ring Missos Bsaownsones giv him on the huther —a purl of grate price, as I here sum wun say, tho it were e diamint. |‘Ah, Graret!’ he sez, quite affabul, ‘air uere? I am truly glad to see you. Yes, certingly, kophee, if u please, Grater. I am rejieed that me child does not forget the frens of her youth. A leetle more shewgar, GrmLet, an ow is ure worthy usban? Maffin? No, a finger biskit. Ow does he support the trubbels of these days of afflikshun, Giutet? Not any more, I thank u;’ he sez. So, wen hede teed, he went into the drorrin rame, as they hall did, an I thort I shood see no |more on em, but I were mistaken, for sum on em were a goin to act sherards wich, as I heerd a gent say, is a kind of playhactin an water | for them whose eds the theatur is too strong for. 30 they eum into ‘the tee rume to dress, an I elp em to mak such frites of theirselves as u never see. “Fust, yung Mistur Tomxrys, as are just hout of his harticles, and the sekkund Miss Brownsowes, as is still in her teens, purtend to be Mistur an Missus Gray, wich I dessay they woodnt mind, an goes a | workin hout of the tee rume into the drorrin rume, makin believe it were Regent Sirete, and lookin at the things im the shops. An sresently Miss Brownsones, leastways Missus Gray, sez, ‘ Lor, [epGax,’ wich is rele name air Tummas, ‘Lor, Hevea,’ she sez, | ‘wot “y= = mantel; I must ave it,’ an sez ‘Hanertina’ (her |name’s Hemty) ‘this art can refuse u nuthin,’ he sez, an wen old Maru Brownsonzs heerd him say it, her face were worth lookin hat, but she sed nuthink. And so they goes into the shop, an there were Mistur | | Linsey the stokbroker, who live three dores hoff, purtendin to be | Mistur Woo sey, the abbadasha, an reddy to shave is custummers, as | they say, wich he well nose ow. An so Missus Gray she buys the | mantel, an Mistur Wootsey he pockets the poner. and Mistug | Tomkins he wants to get her hout of the shop afore she takes a fancy |to hanything helse, an Mistur Lixszy he wants to sho her sum more | harticles, an Mistrur Gray gets her tords the dore, an so | BrownJones she puts the mantel on afore they ’ve tuk the ticket hoff, /an walks hall down Regent Strete into the tee rume with this |on her back: ‘This ere butiful article in the mantel only £2 3s. 6d.’ | “Weil then, Mz. Porxiys, he purtends to be a Quaker with a brord brim an a narrer mind, as I here a gent a sain, and goes about | tellin peepul they ortent to fite, and that the honely way to cure the Hemperok or Roosuer off his orrid graspin ways wos to giv im all | he wanted, wich, in coorse, wood leave im nuthin to fite for, an that | if we struv agin the Hemperor’s werry nateral desires, we wos to blame, an not im. An then a lot of Mistur Porkrns’ frens, to punish im for talkin of such stuff, purtends to go to his ouse at nite an cut a hole in the shutter an take out a pain of glass, an e Master | Tomez thro the winder to open the dore (wich the were delited, | and wanted to break the winder in rele ernest), an an piks the | loks an cribs the plate, an wen old Porxixs cums down in his nite cap, tells im their desires is all werry nateral, an that if he flusters em, he is purwokin em to a breche of the . Well then, who but Reverend Srocum hisself puts on a hold dressin gownd as Mistur Porxixs does a bit o garduin in, an a pare o trowsers to match. An |Marm Brownsones ides her velvets an sattins under hany hold close she can get, an they both sit down afore the fire, an hones an mones an sez their werry pore, but Reverenp Siocum he turns to an hutters a butiful discoorse about not beim cast down, till Maru Brownsones she cry wus than hevver, wich it come nateral to her as she do it wenever she here him preche. An then he gits so heksited in his tork, that he flourishes the poker and hits the mantel- peege, and noks down a bit of the wainscot an tumbles hout a lot of guinees, wich ad bin idden there hever so many yeres, a purpose that he an Marm BrownJongs mitent cum to the workus. An so the sherard hended, an hevery one hasked his naybor, ‘Ave u guessed it ?’ an hevery wun sed no, till sum wun called out ‘Its Mantel , an then they hall sed theyd thort of that, honely they diddnt like to say, for fere they wos rong. An then they fell to dancim, wich I wish they addent, as ule understand wen u here agin “From ure umbel chareoman, “Jane Goer.” =

we wee | ee A Bald Invention. Mr. Row.anp informs us that wearing the hat is very injurious to the hair. If this is true, Quakers ought to be the baldest of men, for they keep their hats on longer than any one else, and yet we know several Quakers who have very hair. At all events, ladies are not likely to lose their hair from any similar cause, con- ares, the present fashion of wearing the bonnet completely of | the head. an sum cum in ired klarenses an brooms, an cum a mincin in an sain, |

Extreme Severity or TH2 Weatnuer.—A Mother-in-law, coming up from the country, and bringing her boxes with her, is generally. a | sure prognostication of a hard winter. |

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° & SF athe SPSRETE —= » VOR TOR RESO ee “Oa B —i-. Se Oo APZAIL KER TE a | tone of piety which | purpose ; rejoicing the | lot to mingle in the circle of love, and administer to the cheering office PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A SANCTIFIED “SELL.” NYBODY wanting an affecting volume of sermons will here find the promise of one—taken from a chief page of the Watchman, Methodist news- paper :-— “ [Apveetisement.)—A New Year. These words— though simple in themselves —are prolific of pleasing anticipations Cherished in our riper age, amid the war and strife and anxieties of life, the memories \ which each returning year awakens within us are dear to each of our hearts, and in- delibly engraved there. . Thoughts of by- gone times, dim and indistinct at first— thoughts of other joys rise up from the depths within, and grow clear and mor taugible before us. On each occasion we reeall with delight the many joyous scenes which we have witnessed—scenes which are inseparably identified with the recollections of the merry days of our youth. But too often these pleasing reminiscences are chastened by other thoughts and images— blending in one common picture the lights and shadows of the past, and thus engrossed in saddened strain, we muse —perchanee at times unconsciously —repeating to ourselves those plaintive notes which still recall our boy hood’s task ones, ‘ They are past and gone! those merry That were so glad and bright The italics are our own—intended simply to call attention to the rvades the announcement, and suggests its art of the serious reader with the expectation of sweetness. Taste a little more :-— “ Soon another circle in the great journey of life shall be attained—soon another New Year may be permitted to dawn upon our vision—soon may it be our favoured 8 of friendship and should our spirits be chastened when we look around and behold those ‘ vacant | places,’ let each heart that pulsates in health and strength expand with gratitude to that source from whence proceed those issues of life, ‘ inestimable gifts'’—and may the ‘ weary and heavy laden’ look in faith to the thousand means which have been mereifully provided to mitigate their pains and to soothe their afflictions. And we may be per- mitted to mention, as one of the means of alleviating pain and suffering,” the New Testament—one naturally surmises—or, at least, some tract, or set of discourses caleulated to afford spiritual consolation—something powerful in that way, of strong anodyne, and,at the same time awaken- ing, is, Properties. What comfort is offered to those who sigh for “ vacant ene what rest is por to the “ weary and heavy laden?” arely such as may be found in the unction of the Reverend Orto Suazon, or the affectionate earnestness of Mr. Mawya? Not so. No healing waters or balm of that description— but, simply, “ That extraordinary medicine, Pack Woopcock’s Warp Pirie, compounded by Mr. Pace D. Woovcock, Lincoln.” MEMS, OF AN OLD REFORMER. Mem. T the =", nehihel suai s I possibl i: To Side pean a sat put my hands mm hen os 1s Offered to me. Mem. gen my ke, heer aaa Mem. 'To answer my letters realy thn Mem. by summon every cabman t or neglects to sive hey a ticket. , ith To tales pyeall in betes cee , so that when I = invited et ma‘ hour Mem cs dae positively never to buy hae the in hand to pay for it. | To take some means to get, onee an‘! for all, out of | Mem. To with tredesmen, instead of allowing the to order al the things iasist upon having my accounts sent imvegularly every | Mem. To entertain the deadliest hatred, and to wage the most re- itless war, against that most ruinous of ba) systems—Credit. Mem. To try the experiment for a short ee of aie that the cellaret, in which my penes oeere kept, is lock em. To examine more carefully my w: ded. 79 ‘bills—and to check them always when they . To i —s inen I have. Mem. To discontinue the folly to Mem. To stop drinking when I feel I enough!!! Mem. To forswear ited ay learn chess. —. Never to be in bed later t o’clock. em, To walk always a good hour be ore breakfast. Mem, To begi think seriously about marriage, and the policy of insuring one’s life, Mem. To cultivate good friends and pure thoughts , ndeavour to gain the esteem of all worthy people ; to live regularly and respectably ; to wind up my conduct with my watch every night before [ go to sleep, and to examine whether it is too “fast” or too “slow; all divans and billiard-rooms ; to shave off my moustaches ; and throw - my latch-key. Vem. (most important one of all.) To put into practice above toe the | re solutions the moment I get a little more settled. They are to “look in faith” to the Wind Pills of Mn. Pace D.| Woopcock. place of references to experiences and conversions, we are informed, as touching the Wind Pills, that “ Parties of the highest respectability in all parts of the United Kingdom have given their testimony to their wonderful efficacy in all complaints of the Stomach and Bowels.” | And so all the allusions to vacant places and chastened spirits are | introductory to a puff of Wind Pills, and those who are “weary and heavy laden” are invited to go to Mx. Woopcock for a patent medi- cine to cure complaints of the inside. Woopcock is a nice bird! It may, however, be natural for a Quack to quote Scripture for such a! as that of inducing the credulous to swallow his compounds, | Pat that the holy Watchmaex should afford him a conspicuous place in its columns for the citation of texts and the use of sanctified slang with that object, can only be accounted for by the supposition that the holy Watchman has its price—which is paid by the holy Watchman’s profane advertiser. Railway Addresses on the Subject of Smoking. Rattway Guarp éo Third Class. “ Where’s the Man that has been smoking ? He had better not let me cateh him. I'll soon put his pipe out.” To Second Class. “Now, gents, smoking isn’t allowed—it ’s a fine of shillings.” oe 0 rules, 1 must request you to put your cigars out.” MORAL PARADOX. First Class. “Ti you please, gentlemen, smoking is against the | HEAVEN CONFOUND THE EMPBROR. Arn— God Preserve the Emperor.” Heaven confound the Empgror Nriootas, Acting at his present rate, Vanquished, humbled, and ridiculous, Huri him from his high estate ; Haunted always be his pillow By the spectres of the dead, Foully, on Sinope’s billow, By his slaves whose blood was shed Down, to rise expecting never, All oe a and glory smashed, we » screams for ever Of the sean whom he lashed ; May the sum of human sorrow, Caused by him, his conscience wring, With no prospect of a morrow, To allay its poisoned sting. If, resolved on depredations, Right he seorn, and might defy, Rise against him, banded nations, Hunt him down with hue and cry, On him, like a wild beast, hounded Be the dogs of Europe’s war ; Let him ever be confounded ; Outraged Heaven, confound the Caan ! New Lamps for Old Ones. Opessa, according to the author of a new book on Russia, labours | under the disadvantage of being badly lighted. It is — to ' know that an English company—e ship’s company, in fact—has under- taken, at the shortest notice, to light up the town in question so beil- liantly as actually to canse reflection at St. Peterburz, and enable the | Czar to read French and English handwriting very distinctly, even at A rarest for gold is denounced as unreasonable by those who, never-| that distance. The iron tubes are ready laid, and the parties are only theless, deny that it is a thirst for something solid waiting for a few posts. ” to abandon , |

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oe ee EE a — Now that poultry-keeping has become as fashionable as bh Nent, | crochet, and every well-regulated young lady keeps her Cochin 7 , China in preference to a eanaty, we may naturally expect the | mania will soon affect the i ation of our 5 ila Weare convinced, ind for the -Yard will be counted very shortly with the wants of the age, and | will soon supplant those senseless -me-then-as-nows | with which the sentimental school | We are, therefore, tempted to national demand, | | and«to supply at once a speci an poultry-minded | maviden kas our full permission to in her Album—sup- posing'thnt exploded nuisance can be anjwhiere found extant :—

p iy Ain—“ Leseta hath a Beaming Eye.” , ia i /} Every one too fat to ty, f = SH { So constantly she keeps them feeding. Ss SAL Daily wakened by their crows —S SS | At some precocious hour she rises, SEIN And while their breakfast forth she throws es) SS Her pets she thus apostrophizes : = - | “© my Cochin China dear— = | T mean expensive—Cochin China ; _ Most hens lay — One egg a But you lay “wo, my chin China !” Lessts longed to see the show Held lately in the street:ealled Baker, And so nfiportuned me tom, That I at length wag glad to take her. : es breeds eae were on view, “ Silver-penei *.“( golden-crested :” , | “ Donble-eombed ” T noticed too. (L’d much prefer thém double-breasted ) | And there were Cochin China here, Vastly costly Cochin Chma: } } ip Ly ij ha Gi) i SMG if) “Gs 4 hj My i f ’ yr ‘ tj , / Vi ; ab) ih vows , v ’

wag ae . Boy. “ Hene you atr, Sim. Tuner parr o’ Sraaps Por Srxrence.” VA a ty heard , " , Th ‘ . . ’ > ueks are rear ed, T HE I IN EST BA LSAMS OF A h A BIA. But wihely pales rear Cochin For once in the way we feel almost inclined to recommend patent medicines. Those of which we are disposed to make such an exception in favour, are thus | Opn 4 é advertised : | THE SLAVE OF THE SMASHER. “* “ Treasvaes or Tax Destnt.—The successful results of these remedies are without parallel, Aut Anmgen'’s Antibilious Pill, Atr Aumxp's Cough Pill, Aut Anmen’s Healing Plaster. In “Mr. Punca, an Sg Gere “ Law a beantiful thing, though 1 say it that shouldn’t. We can well beljeve that Aut Anmep’s Treasures of the Desert will cure all | But my beauty is the ground of appeal for sympathy— the bile and coughs, and heal all the hurts, not mortal, that occur therein. | pever withheld by the Briton from beauty in. di It -is ‘Two considerations only restrain us from prescribing these medicinal treasures | that which aggravates the degradation'to whieh’ T have been to all our bilious, asthmatic and wounded readers. We are not informed | subjected.-’ Sir, 1 have’ been“ctuelly,abased—applied to the whether the Treasures which Ati Anmep derived from the Desert are to! vilest of purposes. Read this extraet-from a recent money China!

Axi was obliged to observe during his residence in that locality. If the| «persons ane attempting to dispose nf spurious gold-dust by offering it to Antibilious Pill of Art Anmrpd is to be combined with eatiog and drinkimg } money-changers in,Londyn. It consists.of small pieces of some bard kind - 4 ble h 1 imited to a fe » c ittle wat aily. ¢ ith aetive horse-exereise, | of earth electrotyped so as not to be discoverable by chymical tests. A limited to a few dates and a little water daily, and with active horse-exereise, Sk TS inet Hem, Eien tae r yeee | other pill, taken without restriction as to appetite, the worst congestion | friability and want of weight. of the ‘liver that ever afflicted dldernian. A stomach cough would as PET SH, re ge Ws ‘ . — certainly be relieved by Asa Atrmeén’s‘Cough Pill, if nothing but that, besides | My sister, the Daguerreatrae, eT > —_ of Mg the dates and the water, were rut into the stomach; wounds likewise would | has been yet ogee othe vile havin eel > cicatrise, at the same rate, under his Healing Plaster, in conjunction with the howery, has® de arc! omer 2 chiewee a th oe same antiphlogistic sustenance. -The other slight scruple that withholds us|?’ f or the ctcoms © the oe . f Seley e ot from stamping these Pills and this Plaster with our approbation, is, that we | Done ty larth, feet bi : I ‘ the ended of army. $ ure not quite sufficiently satisfied in regard to what they consist of. The precise | OUT MS" rth, feel bitterly the disgrace details of their composition we do not require to know: but if we were only sure that they contamed nothing whatever that would have the slightest effect upon the human body in its natural state, we would recommend them, assisted by the adjuncts above-specified, in preference at least to any other quack medicines, except homeopathic globules, because the latter would no doubt answer just as well under similar circumstances. age to scoundrels ; and | am sure that this is a kind of aris- tocratic feeling of which you will approve. Is it not a shame, Sir, that our dignity should so outraged ? and ought not a double punishment to avenge that fraud which is perpetrated by the misuse of the most delicate and-refined inventions, aud through the peeses of those wondrous— | almost spiritual—powers, electricity and light? I am, Sir, your 2: : | obedient Servant—and the unwilling slave of rascality, | tf r ” Harvest without Sickle. | Tag Evecrrotrre.

Mr. Mecnt’s last: balance-sheet exhibited a profit, hut it is to he feared ™ next om, So = oe oe a loss, not indeed by | Service in Australia. of any crops, but by the reverse; for if the moustache movement. sho e- | \ youne servant girl. previous to gome into service, and come general, where will be the market for razors and magic strops ‘ shes exnutaiite 2s Sear tealed = pe dew of work there | was to be done, wanted to know, before she eould sooopt the Orrnocrarsy vor Evrope.—The massacre at Sinope may be described | situation, whether “her mistress.was prepared to make as an atrocious Czarnage, i generally usefui ?”

ed William Bradbury, of No. 13, UpperWoburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, and Frederick Mullert Evans. of No. 7, Church Rew, Stoke NW -~wington. both in the County of ¥ tddlesex. Printers, « their rt A Louvbard Street, w the Preciact of Whitetriars, im the City of London, ana Published by them at No. %, Fleet Strcet, in tne Parish of St Bri e's, im the Chey of Lesdon.—Satuapar, January 2, 1854.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ” 41

REVELATIONS FROM RUSSIA. From our Own Correspondent. St. Petersburg, Jan., 1854. E see that most accounts | of the state of things | here _ whi have | reached your contem-|

é AS" ih Gi, Sry tte ae Sint | OAL tie Imperial Majesty’s mental condition im reference to religion is as exalted | to conceive. It not only displays itself in paqeent acts of devotion, o in ot | actions, which would be misinterpreted in England, but are here understood to be indications , of the prophetic state. ;

Of course you are familiar with the portraits of His Imperial Majesty, representing him in his mi 4 frock buttoned over his chest. This arrangement, for a mystic reason, has | been reversed. NicnoLas now wears his frock tightly buttoned up behind. It is certain that, in any case, he will present something like a front to the foe. On some principle, equally mysterious, the Czar has addicted himself to divers poculiontiion of diet. ring grievously from indigestion, and a martyr to bile, he persists, against the advice of his physicians, in eating enormous quantities of caviare, which he bas | antin’s blacking; and this being an imported he expects to get it in the event of a war. served up to him swimming in Day and article, I wonder how The Autocrat used to be extremely partial to Clicquot; but he has of late abandoned that beve! for train-oil ; in which liquor pane NesseLrope to pledge him. Consistently | with this change of taste, he declares himself a Lamp—speaking, of course, symbolically— | and sometimes msists on being trimmed ; as, to be sure, he deserves to he. Severe as has been the struggle which the Emperor is maintaining with the Turks, he has had to contend yet more strenuously with spiritual foes. By attendants near his person he is deseribed as being in perpetual conflict with ghostly enemies, insomuch, that at times he can scarcely walk a dozen yards without catching at objects in the air, which might be supposed to be flies, but are invisible to the common spectator. ‘veil Add to these things that he has betaken himself to mody, and goes about singing, “ Non confundar in eternum,”’ to the air of L’or, c'est une chiméere from Robert le Diable. You know that His Imperial Majesty is styled something more than the mere Emprror oF THE Russians. Were you resident here, you would have to take care how you essed him as an earthly potentate. ; Under these circumstances I must confess that I entertain slender hopes of a pacific settle- ment of the Eastern Question. This is the only chance. Nicnotas—unlike most persons in his eemereen—doee not cultivate a beard; and his medical attendants have not taken | away his razors. GREAT MEETING OF THE IRISH BAR. Tue papers announce that a mecting of the Irish Bar has recently taken place, at which it was ultimately decided, after a very hot discussion, that “the gentlemen of the Outer Bar shall be at liberty to take half a guinea under the Common Law Procedure Act.” We were not present at the meeting, but we have reason to believe that the speeches were painfully animated, the excitement intense, and the whole scene—to the last istressing. Many of the older juniors were affected to tears, in ing of the ts of the — and = tee a eee with a — Will make me just say I can’t stand to my guns Lam shakey a bit ; nae at Tam Martewe’s old cons stand to their it. hint I'm fey that , #8 sec, and five. But a Tis true that I’m touched in the wind, at ve Me Pave plenty of gales ; then, tty near blind, I wink not when d assails. Besides, in defence of the Porte If in battle I have to engage, T’m one of the regular sort ; For perfection of Port is old age. They may call me a stupid old muff, And say | am better in bed ; But every day makes me more tough, From the sole of my foot to my head. eae they tell me, time brings, [n all that around us we see ; If it does so to nautical things, It must have done wonders for me. Then hurrah! for the gallant old tar, The Admiral jolly and brave Shall he tremble at death from With already one foot in the grave ? Then give me my crutches—who fears ? My fut I have learned to survive : Rule Barransta! hip! hip! and three cheers For the old boy of eighty and five ! ‘the Czar,

NITROUS NICHOLAS. Tue Standard has the following paragraph :— “ Sautpernu.—The te of war have led to inereased transactions in Saitpetre, and within these two days a rise of 2s. per cwt. has occurred upon the advanced prices of last week.” The increase of the price of this supporter of combustion is, of course, owing to the operations of that ineendiary who ies the throne of Russia. It is not unlikely that Nicuoras will invest his capital in Saltpetre to such an extent that the name of his imperial city will be altered to Saltpetresburg.

The Bourbons and the Printer. Tue Princes of the Bounson family have | stated caused it to be that “they have no accredited organ in the press of France.” this we are by no means surprised ; remembering ug antipathy and printers’ ink. Moreover, when Cuanies tae Tewtn flung the printer's type imto the streets of Paris, how soon did that type beget

At | bet-veen tie lilies of France | |

VOL. XXVI.

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paerienss: re enn

2 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

<<" _ a Our THE DOMESTIC REFORMER; Scene 5.—Mr. Patrerramivias has gone into the subject of adultera- tions ; and, as a first step to protecting himself, distrusting the beer of commerce, determines to brew at home. Mr. P., Mrs. P., and the family assembled at breakfast. reading the “ Lancet.” Vrs. P. Another cup of tea, my dear ? Mr. P. (laying down his brochure—to himself). Dreadful ! Mrs. P. The tea,Mr. P.? Well, it ought tobe good. It’s Daxry’s best Family Mixed at 4s. 6d. Mr. P. No, Mas. P; the exclamation was forced from me by these distressing revelations in this valuable periodical. Mrs. P. Yes, 1 wonder how you can take it in, with all those dreadful accounts of operations and cases. It’s enough to make one fancy one has all of them, sometimes, oneself. Vr. P. You mistake, my dear. Ido not refer to the purely thera- peutical and surgical part of the journal—interesting as this undoubt- edly is to minds familiar with the mysteries of our physical structure, but to the series of analytical investigations of the adulterations of food and drink. Mrs. P. Oh, indeed! Mr. P. is ARTIST (AN ARDENT LOVER OF VENERIE) BORROWS A “ BIRDING-PIECE OF THE PERIOD,” AND BRINGS HIMSELF DOWN AT THE FIRST SHOT Ur. P. (looking at his daughters). Were chemistry, as it ought to be, | a subject of instruction in our seminaries, the detection of these dele- terious practices would not be le!t to the conductors of a scientific periodical ; it would be carried on by our cooks, our wives, and our daughters—in our kitchens, Mrs. P., and our store-rooms. Urs. P. Well, I’m sure it’s bad enough as it is, with the boys, and their caustic, and phosphorus, and gunpowder, and things—with- out the girls blacking their fingers, and burning their eyebrows off, and blowing themselves up. George. It was Newton, Ma, would make a mine in the front garden. I told him what a jolly row there ’d be, but he would. Newton. I only wante | to find the point of least resistance, Pa. Mr. P. (fondly). Dear child! (Zo Mrs. P.) I tremble for that boy, my dear. Urs. P. 80 do I, my dear, constantly— Mr. P. Lest he should be one of the martyrs of science some day. Mrs. P. Yes, 1’m always expecting to hear of his getting himself poisoned or blown up, or going up in a balloon and never coming down again, or some dreadful end. Laura. \ wish, Papa, you’d forbid him trying experiments on my canary birds. He ots poor Dicky over one of the gaspipes the other day, and turned on the gas, and if I hadn’t come in just in time,

CLOCKWORK AT THE TOWER OF LONDON. ! Tr is to be hoped that the preparations now in progress for fixing a clock in the round turret of the White Tower | will be stopped. If there were any great want of clocks |in the neighbourhood, there would be some excuse for dis- | figuring the venerable edifice to accommodate those who | do not carry watches ; but as it is, the addition of a clock to that monument of antiquity will be as little useful as ornamental. The White Tower, of itself, is a sufficient indication of the lapse of Time. The clock with which |it is proposed to dedecorate it, is, we understand, to be a four-faced one; which makes matter worse: an old friend with a uew face looks odd enough; but a most fr <r mega queer sort of feeling would result from | beholding an old friend with four new faces.

A Tender from Norway. Tae Northern Courts may profess the observance of neutrality during our approaching struggle with Russia ; but the subjoined overture, which has appeared under the form of a newspaper advertisement, is a satisfactory indica- tion of the side to which their feeling inclines :— | |] OBSTERS FROM NORWAY.—A firm in Norway is | 14 desirous of making CONTRACTS with parties in England, for | LOBSTEKS during this year’s season. “Season” means campaign, of course. Everybody knows what Lobsters are intended for. We are very muc obliged to the friendly Norwegian firm; but trust that |we are sufficiently able to fight our own battles with our own soldiers, and that no auxiliaries will be required by | the British Grenadier. oor -

—_ =

the poor dear thing would have been poisoned. He’s never piped since.

Mr. P. My dear, your brother’s mind is an inductive one; far be it | from me to check it. Newton. Please, mayn’t I put one of Emmy’s dormice into the receiver of my air-pup, Pa? Emily. Oh! you horrid, cruel little wretch ! Mrs. P. No wonder, my dear, when his Papa eneourages him in it! Mr. P. Once for all, Mrs. P., that boy’s scientific bent shall not be thwarted by any narrow consideration for his sisters’ childish fancies. [ beg the subject may be dropped. To return to the adulterations. Mrs. P. (meekly). Yes, my dear, the milk’s shockingly thin. Mr. P. That is a comparatively favourable case. The Lancet has not detected, in twenty-four specimens, the presence of any foreign agent more mischievous than common water. “Mrs. P. That’s just what I’m complaining of. Vr. P. But what is that to the adulteration of our tea ? sample in the caddy at this moment—its green colour is derived from the double cyanide of potassium and iron—the Prussian blue of commerce—an act ive poison. ‘ Mrs. P. Good gracious, Mr. P., you’re enough to frighten one to death ! Mr. P. The astringent flavour is due to catechu ; the granular appear- ance, so pleasing in your eyes, is the result of kneading with Chima clay. Mrs. P. What they make the tea-cups of. Only think! Mr. P. And your coffee—largely compounded, in twenty-five out of twenty-eight samples, with burot beans, chicory, and coffin-dust. Mrs. P. Oh, horrid! I told the grocer I was sure it wasn’t right ; but I never thought they put coffins m it! bi te Mr. P. This black pepper again (‘aking up the castors) consists, in a great part, doubtless, of the husks of mustard-seed. This so-called cayenne pepper is largely impregnated with red-lead. Mrs. P. (much distressed). Oh! that’s what the children are always being poisoned with in the Twelfth-cake ornaments, at the coroner's inquests, you know. , Mr. P. Precisely ; it furnishes a colouring matter peculiarly attractive to the young Now the Mrs. P. (declare if you go on, Mr. P., I shan’t dare to eat anything but bread and water. : : Mr. P. (grimly). Of which the former may owe its whiteness to bones, and its lightness to alum ; while the latter may be rendered poisonous by retention in a leaden cistern. pons Mrs. P. (tearfully). Oh! how can you, Mx. P.? What is one to eat and drink, then ? ‘ Mr. P. \t is diffieult to say what article of food or drink to a scientific apprehension is perfectly innocuous. But, in some respects, we can protect ourselves.

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Mrs. P. Really, I don’t see anything one’s safe with, unless it’s hard-boiled eggs. Mr. P. On one thing I’m determined, Mas. P., that, for the future, we will brew our own beer. George. Oh! won’t it be jolly! Mrs. P. (more alarmed than ever). But consider the mess, my dear ! I remember, when I was staying at the Wappets, they tried to brew in the large kitchen kettle ; but it neter did; and the servants a!) took to drink, and Mrs. Wappzt had to get up at four o’clock in the morning every Wednesday, and the house used to smell so, you can’t think, and it always came dreadfully expensive, and was never fit to ink drink. Mr. P. The flavour, Mus. P., is a matter of taste ; but the expense is a point suseeptible of ari i roof. I have been calculating— we pay 26s, the half-barrel; that is, I3s. per nine gallons. I find that, at the present high prices of agneultural produce, that quantity of sound wholesome beer may be #., which, at our annual expenditure of £31 12s. for malt liquor, will give us a net saving on ear of £10 8s. deal in the end. Mr. P. ¥iven were my ealeulations unsound, which they are considerations of salubrity alone render it a duty to introduce encourage the practice of domestic brewing, Mrs. P. to speak. He waves his hand.) Suffice it to say, I have made my arrangements. Mrs, P. (much hurt). Welt! Ldothink you might have consulted me | first. George. Oh, do let me work the mash-tub, Pa, it’s such fun; and the sweet wort’s such jolly stuff. Newton. And I’ve read all about fermentation, Papa; (/o Ais sisters, conceitedly) whieh is of four kinds, r, saccharine and vinous, aud ace'ous and putrefactive, and— Mrs. P. (overwhelmed by Newtox’s nomenclature). Where ever does | that boy pick up those dreadful long words ? Mr. P. ss Realy, Mus. P., the shallowness of your observations is quite distressing. Mrs. P. (apologetically). Well, but they are ee words my dear, for a bey of nme years old. I’m sure, when i never heard eo talk so. Mr. P. 1 ordered im a bushel of malt yesterday. Tt was to be left at the grocer’s to grind. Mrs. P. Oh! then, that was what Spraces brought in last night. Laura, That made us all sneeze so, you know, Mamma, when we looked into the bag. Mr. P. (ringing). Then, as the malt has arrived, perhaps wed better begin our little arrangements at once. I shall require the entire use of the back kitchen, Mrs. P., and you had better tell Cook to get the copper fire lighted at once, and—let me see— long was a girl, Enter Spaces. | Oh! you brought the malt from the grocer’s, Spraces ? | Spraggs. Yes, Sir, and he says please he ’opes it won’t matter, but they ’d been a grindin’ md in the mill, and Bru Cuunx—the man | in the shop—he’s afraid there was some left, leastways the malt smelt | very pep Ay Mrs. Pb "There ! pretty beer we shall have ! Mr. P. Tt is not of the least consequence ; the fermentation will carry off every impurity. Gzorex, you will go with Srraces, and draw off the water from the small water-tub at the back door; and, let | me see—we must fit it with a false bottom, for a mash-tub, you know, my dear. | Mrs. P. (tartly). Don’t talk to me, Mz. P., I’m sure I know nothing at all about it. Newton. Oh! I know, Pa! there’s a treatise on brewing in my “Science of Common Things.” : _ Mr. P. You will now, my dear boy, have an opportunity of witnessing in practice what your eager curiosity has already mastered in theory. George. Come along, Srraces. We'll draw off the water, Pa, like anything, and I ean make a false bottom with the top of the flour- barrel in the store-room, Ma; it’s just the same size. And 1 ’ll bore lots of holes with the Italian iron. Oh! ain’t it a lark! Mr. P. (sternly). 1 am sorry, Gzoree, tosee you find an opportunity for trivial amusement where your younger brother sees an interesting , application of science to the common uses of life. George. Oh! he’s just as fond of a lark as I am, Pa, only he’s such | a little humbug. Mr. P. (boxing his ears). How dare you, Sir ? George (crest-fallen, to himself, as he sneaks off with Srnaccs). Well, he is a humbug ; only wait till 1 catch him under the water-tap! [Ezeunt GeorGe and SrRaces. Mr. P. (reflectively). Then we shall want a washing-tub to draw the | wort off into, and a shallow ' covered tub for the gyle. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. . P. (with her old distrust of arithmetic). Well, it may be so by) figures, but you know, Mz. P., your savings always do cost a great nt, (Mas. P. about | vessel of some sort for cooling, and a it. claw-reform rs. P. (bursting out). Pray, Mr. P., how do you think the work of the house is to be carried on, if you go taking all the tubs and things in this way ? | Mr. S| art ge Tam not to be deterred from a salutary and economical household reform, Mrs. P., A ies remarks of that pena -~ so AL you pearl p oblige me by giving orders to have the conper ‘ ns. IF. once, if you p B. Mrs. P. (bitterly). Pretty beet you'll make of it, Ma. P., that’s one comfort ! (Mr. P. smiles with an air of calm superiority. Bvit Mas, P. in disgust. Scene closes for the present. —_—- A PIPE OF “ RETURNS.” ago “Jack from sea” in the V Id twnal dehights that make up the agré in British seaman. All t x SS ar ay a amt @ a . , short by the co on boar( ; ee of: a Lord of the Ad = E === who the erew to be | | the fai to his patriotism ; and there.was even a disposition to show the of his consent by an incipient ery of the usual mode of manifesting delight on the part of a British Tar; in | which capacity the Lord of the Admiralty would probably have felt | himself bound to comply with the demand of the ship’s company. | After being “piped up” and “ piped down,” the crew—recollecting that the -present are not exactly the “ piping times of peace ”—deter- | mined to do their utmost towards throwing upon Russia the necessity | of “ paying the piper.” | —_ AN UN-POLITE LETTER WRITER. Somesopy seems to be always writing letters in Somebody else’s | name, which letters get into all the papers, when having been read and translated into half a dozen wes, they are suddenly declared “by authority” not to have been written by the individ they have been attributed. We really shoul an example of the mischievous busybody, whe devotes himself to letters in this most objectionable manner. Within the last week or two a letter, ing the signature of the Ducwess or Onteans, has been very extensively circulated, and has been the _ of much praise on account of the spirit it was supposed to manifest. It now | urns out that the Duchess not only makes no claim to the spirit, but | unishable offenee to | t that she reprobates the letter altogether. It is a forge letters of credit, and we think there should be some penalty for forging letters of discredit, which these documents certainly are, and all concerned in concocting them. A Protectionist Dinner. Lorp Dersy gave a Protectionist dinner to his party on the 30th, y carrying out the principles of Protection in every icu The meats were from the indigenous wild boars of the ancient and the white cattle, the esteemed property of our painted ancestors. Even port wine was said to be of the home vintage, and the _ champagne from the native, unsophisticated English gooseberry. | A Case of Chloroform. It is mentioned in the that a tiger recently had his diseased aails extracted whilst un i chloroform. A wretehed that this was certainly the most extraordinary case of he ever heard of ! ing to be paid | years’ | locking forward, | the full enjoy- — of “ life ashore ” imagination of the | All these miralty, | *hornpipe,” which is | to whom | like to catch and make | the influence of a powerful dose of | punster of our acquaintance, on being told of | } }

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FLUNKEYIANA—A FACT. Fiuakey (out of place): “Tamne’s sust one QuEsTION I sHovLD LIKE To ask youR Lapysmrrp—Ham I encacep ron Work, ox HAM Pease, of Darlin entleman from the purpose of verity ; Majesty, unarr for very consists of a pill-box. ship’s intended Reform Bull. A FEATHER IN THE BROADBRIM. Tuere are Quakers who can face danger without quaking; and mong such intrepid Members of the Society of Friends are Mr. Henry ton, Ma. Jusgpn Srurer, of Birmingham, and the oceeded to St. Petersburg with uce the Czar to come to terms with Turkey. The boldness of their enterprise, indeed, amounts to arid most mankind would as soon think of going to th» court of Kina Kosoxo, to preach mercy and forbearance to his African A similar, but mnferior courage, has been exhibited by Van AmpunGh and Canter; and happy will it be if our respected friends shall succeed in exetcising a corresponding influence over the brute. But the expectation is much too sanguine to be indulged in, ind it must be feared that the brave volunteers of Peace are con- stituting a forlorn hope. ristol, who have Benevolence Afloat. Tue Dexe or Nortaumpertasp—Loxp Dersy’s late Admiralty ninister—aceording to the Post “has been more than ordinarily muni- cent” tothe deservin that his Grace’s benevolenee hag also been to sea. reasons ‘for-the time—appointed Sir FLeeTwoop Petite ® tothe Winchester; the Duke has, in the handsomest manner, by way of reparation sent to each of the ill-used sailors of that ship, a pound of, pigtail, “Having previously gone the whole hog in the sppointment Of the captain, this supplementary act of pigtail with the seamen was as just as it was graceful. ‘poor on his estates. We are happy to add As it was he who ABRIVAL IN TOWN. Lorp Jonny Russex1’s luggage has arrived in Downing Street. It It is said to contain the substance of his Lord- I ENGAGED roR ORNAMENT?” HARD SWEARING IN CHANCERY. Tue shocking habit of. swearmg seems to be getting worse and worse_in the Court of Chancery, if we are to judge bya string of appointments which appeared in the Gazette of Tuesday. From this souree we learn that no less than ten gentlemen were appointed in three days by the Lory CwAnxcettor to be “ Commissioners to administer oaths in the High Court of Caancery.” We cannot understand the sudden necessity that has called for the enormous accession of swearing power that must be obtained from the appointments alluded to. The machinery of equity must be materially augmented by this arrangement—as far at least as the swearing department is concerned—though we fear that many will think the horrors of Chancery are aggravated by the fearful influx of oaths that the appointments in question léad us to anticipate. Statesmanlike Ignorance. Tere are times and occasions when it is the profoundest wisdom of a statesman not to know when, politically, his nose is pulled; to be innocent of the knowledge, though he suddenly tingle and glow from head to foot, of the precise moment when he is kicked. A beau- tiful, a triumphant living evidence to this State sagacity is NicHonas. The combined fleets of England and France enter the Black Sea, and the Emperor, with the simplitity of a milkmaid, begs to inguire of France and England—wherefore? Let broadsides-roar and, with the guilelessness of Jon, the Emperor would ask—* Is that thunder ?” A WISE MAN OF THF YEAST. We understand that the Mayor of a town in ‘the West of England has sent round a Cireu'ar on his own responsibility to all the bakers of the place, recommending them during the high price of flour to leave out the yeast, as he has reason to believe that it is the yeast which makes the bread rise.

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‘““SALUTE THE ROOSHIANS P AYE, AYE, SIR.” Frsavary 4, 1854.] [Puncu, No, 656.

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=] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. WANTED-—A CASUS BELLI. His footmen and horsemen—his Cossacks and guns, On our allies the Czar is quartering ; By Sinope’s shore the Euxine runs Red with blood from Russian slaughtering ; Of and France the fleets advance To face him, and his to face us ; But, though ready for war, neither we nor the Czar Can find a belli casus ! Oh yes ! wanted a belli casus / Who can give us a belli casus 7 Mrs. Haxagis, no doubt, Was hard to find out ;-— But what’s she to a delli casus 7 Without reason or ruth, the Czar passes the Pruth : For assistance the Sultan prays us ; But what statesman can deem the mere crossing a stream A sufficient belli casus 7? If the Sultan can’t see ’tis a mere guarantee, His obtuseness doth sore amaze us: We’re his staunch allies, but in Western eyes, _ Invasion ’s no 4elli casus / Still we want our 4elli casus ; A regular belli casus / Never were there two foes, All agog for blows, So hard up for a belli casus / Says the Sultan: “Oh ho! 1 see blood must flow re army or fleet they ‘ll raise us :” Oltenitza’s fight is fought—“ All’s right! Here at last is your belli casus /” “No,” England and France,—* if yor advance, He resists ; but a doubt still stays us; Whether ing a whack, and giving it back, Can be called a ’ No—give us a hells casus ; A completer belli casus / His conduct shows us He’s bellicosus, But we don’t see our belli casus /” “ As quiet we lay, in Sinope’s bay, The Russian butcher slays us ; He skoots us down ;—bombards our town ;— Isn’t that a belli casus ?” “Um—it might be; but don’t you see The same post that the news conveys us, Says you couldn’t resist, and ’tis hard to twist Mere buteh’ry to 4e/li casue—. "T'was clearly facinoris casus, For which we ’d fain pull his zasus ; But—whatever our feelings,— Ulterior dealings, To ground needs a BELLI cas “ Still your conduct so brave, your crown to save, Under obligation lays us; As your allies joint, we ’ll strain a point, In default of a belli casus : In spite of the shoal of Protocol That in Stamboul’s strait embays us, Our fleets shall sail, with the first fair gale That must be a belli casus / To go so far may disgrace us— But, not having a be/li casus, If there must be a war Betwixt us and the Czar— We must make our Je/li casus /” The die is cast !—the order passed ! ree cheers the sailors raise us, As ‘neath clouds of duck, from taffrail to truck, Sails that floating Je/li casus. “The Bosphorus past by the fleets at last, When once’ we have dared to place us On the broad Black Sea, our faults ’t won’t be If there’s not soon a belli casus. As the Czar is so eager to face us, If he ’d only his Jedi casus. e’ve done our best To set doubts at rest— And behold the 4e//i casus /” “ We'll salute your foul rag of a Russian flag— We'll embrace you if you em us; By the Turks though we ‘ll stand, by sea and land!” Quoth the Czar, “Is’t a belli casus ? Betore we fight we must know outright Lest we sink you or you chase us, And get coming to blows with friends not foes— Do you mean this for belli casus ?” Oh, dear! can nobody trace us, The shape of a be/li casus ? We thought we had got one, Now the Czar thinks it’s not one. Is there such thing as dellé casus 7, | THE WIND THAT BLOWS NOBODY ANY GOOD “ When the wind is in the East, It's neither good for Man nor Beast.” ABOUT RATS. Tue question that has long divided the opinions of learned naturalists —“Do rats leave ‘rous places ?”—has very lately been again put forth, and has been submitted to the consideration of various dis- | tinguished individuals, believed to be admirably adapted to illustrate | the subject. The following letters are a few selected from many received by an enthusiastic inquirer, who proposes to offer all his MSS. to the hospitable pages (or they refuse nothing) of Votes and Queries :— _ “The Eant or Dersy presents his compliments to ——, and though it is not his custom to make any reply to any person who may not have | the honour of his Lordship’s acquaintance—nevertheless will make an exception to his golden personal rule. His Lordship has no doubt whatever of the tact that rats do leave dangerous places.— Has himself known a rat—a very distinguished rat—that for many years dwelt and rejoiced in Mr. Jonn Buwt’s protected barn that—on his Lord- | ship’s aecession to office—immediately, without so much as licking | his whiskers, quitted it.” “Max. Drsrazxt has little time or inclination to disenss the habits of rats ; but has no objection to inform his correspondent that for months since he has not crossed the threshold of the Kanu or Densy, or entered the house of any other forlorn individual—(however be-starred and be-gartered)—of that bigoted party.” After such testimonials, it must surely be now received as an established fact that—Rats do leave dangerous places. The would-be Scourge. Nor all his will the Russian Tyrant works :” He flogged the Nuns, but cannot thrash the Turks. A Laxp Sweit.—A Lord of the Admiralty

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- + ERI om a “= ee iil) llgpoatie: , would consent to draw lots, or toss up for the eligibility to the! | be attached to all educational institutions. Judaism, Mahometanism, | | subject. It would take up a good deal oftime. It certainly would also | the Euxine—to defile our sacred Black Sea ? PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SCHOOLS FOR ALL SECTS. COTTON STUFF. Ricwarn’s himself again: that le at pane (paces ney od rarest ny apne has ag ’T will be quite time enough your resistance to make h rey Sol ht When you're stretched on the rack, or chained up to the stake ; chesten apeet ocucation | se And sufficiently soon to begin to ery out, eS eee hg an] When you find your back stung with the stripe of the knout. culty of combining religious What matter if Russia a seaboard obtain ? with secular instruction. It Never mind till our navy she sweeps from the main, may be serviceable to explain Which I hope she won’t do, if we just cease to brag, how that object is to be ac- And to sing Rule Britannia ; and lower our flag. complished. ' Let us learn to be meek, and submissive, and tame, Religion is a general idea, | And in time perhaps Commerce may her the same. compre: ing a great variety of creeds; and religious in- That no foes will assail us I firmly“telieve, struction, to be complete, If we only continue to spin and to weave, must consist in informing the Sticking closely to work in our mills and our mines, mind with accurate notions Not at all interfering to check their designs. of all of them. Partial know- So, with ealico-making the end of your lives, - ledge must lead to error, Never mind the defence of your daughters and wives. which, on so important a/ sirable to avoid. The appointment, in all| schools, of a Professor of Ke-| ligious Knowledge, naturally | suggests itself as the means of attaining the desired end. | But, in the first place, a| sufficient number of competently qualified persons could not be found on any terms; and secondly, if t ey could, the sects would squabble for the appointment, each claiming it for a member of its own body, | unless the candidate belonged to no denomination in particular: in which case they would all eet to him. ; This plan, therefore, is not feasible, unless the contending parties | “Wi ANI ills 4 situation ; which is improbable. te | ‘The alternative is simple. A teacher of eath form of religion must Roman Catholicism, and Protestantism in all its varieties, from| Lutheranism to Latter-day Sanctity, must be represented each by its| Professor. A Flamen of the Fire Worship should be added if pro-| curable, and the system would be incomplete without a Tutor in the | Fetish. After an exercise with his Rabbi, the pupil should have a} lesson from his Ulema, next take a spell with his Popish Priest, and then another with his Church of England Parson, to be succeeded by a lecture from the Minister of Little Bethel, followed in turn by an| exposition, from a Mormonite Elder, of the faith of Joe Smits, and the final touch to the religious “ instruction” might perhaps be giveu by a Spirit-Rapping Medium. | Seriously, this is the only way to give religious instruction—thereby being understood gn intellectual apprehension of all the facts of the cost a great deal of money ; and it would not, probably, tend to implant my, faith, or hope, or love, in a child’s heart. . ut neither will causing a child to cram creeds and oe eatechisms y rote. If religious instruction means training in religion; that, is oa another matter. That wants Professors of Charity, Purity, Humility, | STARTLING (IF TRUE).” and so forth: Professors whose lessons must be given out of school.| pir: Citizen. “Not HEERD THE News, Jammy? Vevt THEN, Paice Persuasion can only be communicated by personal influence ; and the AL3ERT, ALONG 0’ TWO MORE CoMMANDER-IN-CHIEFS, Is IN THE ‘TOWER, notion of imparting spiritual knowledge, as you would teach arithmetic, wicy Lovis NAPOLEON DI-WULGED HIM A-SENDIN’ FI-PUN-NOTES To is as reasonable as would be the idea of quenching spiritual thirst by 4 rue Hewrsrer of RoosHy (WHICH WAS A-GOIN’ TO BE SUS-PESDED, proceeding similar to drinking brandy and water. MIND YER), AND BLOWED THE GArr.” ————— | Second Citizen. “ Lor!” PLEASANT PROSPECT FOR THE RUSSIAN NAVY. Peer a ee The Last Stage of Folly. . Tue Exprror or Russta has, hitherto, been in the habit of devoti Menschikof. Even so, Sire. much of his attention to opera; but he will, hencefortn, be sheadiel Nicholas. And our ships, Admiral ? by opera-tions of a military nature, and the only theatre in which he Menschikof, Prepared to burn, Sire. will be able to take any interest will be the Theatre of War. The only nes. t Lens oatanas 2 ey. a connected with his present insanity consists in the Menschikogf. vo rown, Sire. act that he will have t« y for i ; Nicholas. Be it so: burn and drown; under the circumstances, teed cadiaatbiciidth ten ceithiaa Russia can have no objection. P Nicholas. And so the English and French fleets have dared to pollute | } A SAMPLE OF RAP-PEE. We wish the Scotchmen who are so fond of attacking trowsers Fiddlers Afoat. | would evince their hostility by resolutely and quietly “ vee into Frppers are just now in great request in the navy. The frigate them.” Cressy, fitting at Sheerness, advertises for “a good fiddler.” Pusch, therefore, begs to recommend the Eart or Anexpeen as being a} Tae Czar’s Warer Covovr. —The carnage which stained the waves capital hand at a scrape. ‘at Sinope was intended to convert the Black Sea into a Russian lake. subject, it is especially de-| —~ === Se | =»

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i CE R, D, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MRS. JANE GIMLET ON THE FESTIVITIES OF THE SEASON, “* Feast Lane, Grinmidge, twentcfifthjenniwaryhatinfiftifore. ontny Sux, “Wurtz they wos a dancin, me an Mussvs, Por- kins’ Hany tuk an laid supper in the dinner rume which air under- nethe the drorrin — : dem fume, an a butifal a ima supper 4 were. ile i | “p 7 mae. There were a 4 | h> ‘ turkee at top with I! his bones tak hout i DAN, | au forsmete put in ATH: } im hinsted, wich : . it saves time in hetin an purwents the gents dirtin their wite gluvs by pikkin of the ones. An there wos two fouls simlarly treted at bottom, but they amost broke my att_in respek of being Cotchins, an avin such long legs as coodent be trustishapeabul no ow. Next the turkey, on the sen‘ur- line, was a tung. im haspect, an nex the fam a gallon tin. of weal, as they corl i it wos but a qnort in ‘Nex the tung wos hiseter pattees, and nex the weal between them two dishes of pattees cum a senturpeege. Lowermost was a cage of barlee- shewgar with a hen in it of mottuld blankmanger a settin on twelve heggs of the same, an a-top of the eage wos a floorin of pound cake made a for fore hellifants to stan_on, two on em wite an two pink, with t baks to wun hanuther an (heir trunks to the cumpanee, an a holdin up a spun shewgar castul on their baks an a spun shewgar tray at the of heche of their trunks. The castul were full of triful, aw there wos rattyfees in wum tray, motters im hanuther, miksed harmont caks.in a third, am Bong Bong cracker in the forth. The fore corners wos two pies an two lobstarsallets, bein wun of heche at top an bottom. Then begimnin at thetop there were a dish of jennywar on wun side, an a dish of gattow seocrays on the huther, then blankmanger pumpled hover with grapes, a matchin lemon jellee pumpled hover with red ew then a shamtellee baskit hover ainst a shamtellee cake, then a dish of marehangs hopposite a dish of mealfools, an then a set of hi cremes to feller a lot of rasburry wips. In coorse custuds, an jellees, an cristalliged frutes, an Lick your Bong Bongs wos'stud about the tabul, permixuous with the plate an glasses. O! it were butifal, an wen I tuk a last luke hat it afore I fetched Missus Porxiys doun to see it, an thort as ow it were amost hall made hout of heggs an shewgar an buttur, it were quite in natur for me to ave a proud art. ‘Yes,’ I sez to Missus Porxays’ Hawy, as air a gude ~? an nose her plaice, an air not stuk up like sum jaks in hoffis as wout take tellin from them as nose better, * yes! Hann, giv me heggs an shewgar, an buttur, an Tle sho u a shaydoover, as they sez, that s all be fit for a nobulman’s quizzin. But wot air we that we shood boste? an ow sune our pride gits a fall! “ All this wile they wos a dancin. an we could ere em a sailin an a prommynardin about hover our eds.as stately as beeduls an as slo as mutes, till Haww sez, ‘ Lor it wont never do no ow that way. I must go an and the punch and the kneegus,’ she sez, wich she tuk an did accordin. Well then they warmed hup an got the cold out o their jintes and the stiffaes hout o their feelins, and began a worltsing an a poleking till they mad the lceilin shake hover us like hanythin. ‘ Well,’ L sez to aww, as ad cum down agin with the hempety glasses, “1 misdout that shamuelere ! Luke how it waggies! 1 wouldnt wunder if the hile was to cum hout hall hover my senturpeege.” ‘Lor,’ sez Hawn as ad got her ed turned with seein the dancin, ‘ ow them hellefants will shine if it does, Any ow, Missus Gruet,’ she sez, ‘hanythm is bettur than them gashly kwodreels. I ate to see peepul a dancin as if they wos at a berrin, but them polekers air deliteful,’ an she fei! a spinnin about the rume, an sez, ‘1 must go.an and sum more punch an kneegus, an git’ hanuther pepe,’ which she tuk an did accordin. “Well then, doun cums Missvs Porxuns to luk at the supper, an she stud an luk at it an sez, ‘ Gimiet! uve surpast ureself. We sharnt be long a commin, for we’re honely goin to dause Lar Tompeter fust, an | Sperrit, At fust it wos honely kwodreels, | Missus RrownJowes air goin to danse too,’ she sez, an goes away agin. ‘Ho! Lorry me,’ I thort, “wot ever is the 7 will that shamdeleere bear it.an Marm Brownvoners too, for she weys about fiftene stun, and as hevvy as a dray.’ “ Well, I went an stud ut m the stares along of Hawn, with a sinkin r 1 trembulled for my senturpeege, as weil | mite. They wos pretty quiet at first, but hall ona si bus a ruumin hover the stones, wich it were down the middul, or suffin of that as turned me sik to ere it. Mussva runnin hout an sez * Wot is it as ave kway ats of mi pers qwite ri arm, pleese | that they leff holf dancin, he stud coorse Missvs Porxrys were forsed t6 supper if u pleese.’ An down they ¢ Brownyones fust, wich she se d then beer te npeteen te I y Jpam Ege man, as ne in a corner the a mk, wich is his way; an then es aa me ta Mig uric (it were supper enuf for her to down promise uw); an then all the rest. A orrid feelin cum hover me, an I eoodent move ; but Haw run down an hopened the s » door, an hadent searee done it wen she sings hout, ‘ Poleeee! ve!’ af goes into strong conwulshans. The cry of a feller ereetur in distress brought me to, an T ran down, an Ho! wot a gashly site met my hi! “ The shamdeleere and the best of the ceilimad cum down a-top of the supper, and scatturd the triful hout of gar castul on to the boned turkee, an filled the lobstur with splinters of spun shewgar, and delooged the gallon tin of weal with a bottel of tornee porte as stud by it. Wun of the hellefants was plunged ed fust into a raised pie, an hanuther wos a bathin of hisself up to his midde! in the lemmin jellee, an a thurd ad got his trink in a rasburry wip as if he was a gwine to drink it, an the forth were perched upon the tung m haspect, an stud a bowin and a balancin as i were pokin his fun at us. The hen was squashed hall off a lump with her he huther things wos wited hover with the Laster from the ecilin, and hevery thin was shook wun upon the huther till you eoodent a told a marehang from a mealfool, nor a hiseter pattee from a Lick your Boag Bong, an all the decanturs wos broke an the Madedeerer BrownJones agoin . hered it too, an cum a Marm! honely sup- hered her say * Pores an Mano : orful iw the narver stares an the Marselly, an the Montylarde wos miksed, an resolved, as [ hear | a gent a wisprin, into their primmytive hellement of sherry at twenty- two shillin, ; “ Mister Porkrys he went a pokin about am the squash were so complete. But the way his wife tuk it were won- derful, Her colour went an cum, an cum an went, an her lips got quite blue till she bit em red agin, an [ see her tucker a heavin up an down, but she to smile as if it were only a triful. ‘My frens,’ say the Reverenp Stocum, an we sor by the rollin of bis hies as he wos a makin hisself up for a diseoorse, now, Par,’ sez she, ‘ Not now, it’s for me an not for u to improve the occashun. If our frens will up stares an dance agin, but not Lar Tompeter, pleese, Le see wot [ can do forem. An do take Cuarues,’ —meaning her husband—‘ afore he cuts hisself with the broken glass.’ | Well Reverenp Stocvum did luke huncommon shut up at fust, but the gents all cheered his dorter, they wos so tuk with her sperrit, an so they did as she sed, an harf an hour arterwards, wen they sat down to a kupple of barrels of hiseters, an a stilting cheese an biskit’s, an a peece of cold beef, an sum am, they drank the Tompeter and Marm Brownsowes did to the feelins “Of ure umbel chareoman, “ JANE Giver.” Enthusiasm in Effigy. Ly the fervid town of Cupar they have been burning the Ewrvnor or Roussia—in effigy. ow admirably does the act jllustrate the reality of much popular enthusiasm! Why not burn the Russian ficet in effigy? Why not blow down Scbustopol and storm Odessa in effigy ? We have small admiration for these avengers of wrong mpon old clothes stuffed with shavings or musty hay; and connt their enthusiasm just as much a sham as the rubbish they so heroically give to the flames. Officering the Navy. Tur following are the new reetilafions relative to the physical reeom.- mendations of Admirals desirous af active service. They must not be above seventy-five, nor under seventy. They must not have een afloat within the last thirty years; as the the fresher they will. consequently be for the service. Ompeter, an ow | ?*” “Looadent speke, but Hann | we heres a noise like a | Gum such a crash | } at Gach other; so in | k wele go down to | | | hn Buowssowrs, a meke litte! | 8, an all the | the glass an fussin | to get things to rites, as the natur of husbands is, but it wornt of no use, | ut his dorter stopped him, * Not | er elth in tumblers of | wiskee todee, an sed it were the best supper they ever ad. An next | day, Manu Baownvowss give her a new shamdeleere, an made it hup to | her that way, but [ never got no compensashun for the dammage that | 3 they have known of salt water, |

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Ee onncelpnnstagine thi Atte catia - ' fi -FUM -1 SMELL THE Blouw | 1 Ae OF AN ENGLISHMAN !II ‘ ADH AN THE WICKED GIANT WITH THE TWO HEADS THE AUTOCRAT AND HIS ALTAR. Tre idolatry that adores a forked animal, six feet hich, as the “ God | of the Russians,” -is.attended with some inconvenience. The holders | of the ““orthodonstaith,” or believers in Nicnonas, are beginning to | find the worshipof that deity expensive. Over land, under sea, the following little fact has been flashed hither by electric wire :—~ “ The Court appears gloomy ; the prepa: ations for war have already cost enormous sums, and the Minister of Finance has laid his | ands on the capitals of Loan Societies condu ted by private persons.’ The Nicolaitans of Russia have discovered that their divinity requires saérifiees ; and that the immolation of helpless Turks is not enough for him. His own yotaries must also bleed for his honour and glory, not only from wounds received, some of them in the back, on War Steamers for Russia. this is a fact well known; but what we have now to relate has been hitherto kept a profound secret. A distinguished tobacconist has sold his wooden Highlander—who was allowed to be a striking likeness to the EArt or Anerpekn~—for the figure-head of one of the vessels. And yet the Czar has no gratitude ! LOVE IN LOW LIFE. Barone marriage the man is very much struck with the woman, and ifterwards the woman is very much struck by the man. Tre Bawp or Hore.—The orchestra of a theatre having struck in the hope of getting their salary. 50 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. judges themselves in consequence of t | seems rather an absurdity to select these barristers as SILVERTONGUE cannot calls him. Even the Old Bailey _ the neighbourbood of Newgate. ° | successful game, the other day, w there no barristers without the aid of the Bar. for nothing at all, and time will be saved by the the banks of the Danube, but also in connexion with other banks, by | a copious effusion of the circulating medium. Two war-steamers are being constructed on the Tyne for Russia: LAW WITHOUT LAWiERS. } Tue other day one of the Courts at Westminster was brought to a dead stand still—by that very common cause—there being no cause that | could be proceeded with in consequence of the absence of counsel. All | the barristers that had anything to do at Westminster had something else to do at Guildhall, and the result was a pretty to-do among the being nothing doing. It ; for work who have no time to attend to it; but, of course, if Honsenare Senior is an attorney, Horsenare Juyior will be instructed on behalf of all the clients of the former, or, if Senszag® Sttvertoxeve has got a name, the pretensions of every other S or Q C. will be ignored; and RTONGUE Serer tae fe wil periorce neglect his clients in two out of of the Courts to which business ; tes, and the “only hero of balderdash and of the crowd | out” for practice in n a new, and we Sok ohwly recogmised bully,” or “the acknowled bluster,” will carry off all the briefs, te’ of learned eandidates for forensic fame 1 The Barons of the Exchequer ‘ the business, the Bench went on through several causes in the nee of eounsel on both si | have not heard that the suitors had to complain, and, indeed, the | probability is that more substantial justice was done between them, than ae have been the result if Fuspos, Q. €., had been suffered to do and fet 5 e | encumber the matter with his humbering learning, or Fustian had been allowed to confuse matters on the other side with his eloquence. When the public find that barristers who are paid to pleed ’t plead, the progress of and that their absence from their duty does not impe by the suitors,” We. strongl aman aie ie e suitors. e strongly recommen set the Prchec uer to the notice of the Queen’s Bench and Common Pleas, for law will lose half its terrors, and more than half of its expense, if it | should be found that Judges will get at the law and facts of a case | without the intervention of counsel on either side. } | business, the public aforesaid will grow tired of paying exorbitant fees == an THE NO TROUSER NUISANCE. HERE has ~~ a. a dis- | cussion carried on wi good | deal of vehemence as to & | pro or ‘imy ropriety ie ted about } pen with- out trousers—a practice which is said to be convected with the nationality of Scotiana. We regret t Scotch na- tionality should have nothing better than t bare brawny lezs to stand upon. We must confess we have often been disgusted at seemg a heavy looking Seoteh clown | without any pantaloons; and we have thought the ery st ‘the impropriety of wing bullocks to pass | through the streets rather uv- ie, while a quantity of no less offensive es could freely perambulate the th fares. e should be to see the nuisance ex terminated, ough . at present it may be said to be “e seotehed ” and “ kilt,” we are anxious for more summary treatment. Nicholas in Danger. Certarn accounts from St. Peter express the most affectionate fears lest NIcHOLAs—outraged by the chonetel ‘conduct of the allies —should go off in a fit of apoplexy. Baths of human bloed have been taken by potentates of the like kidwey with -Nicwotas, it is said, with the happiest success, But, it is plain, that the remedies of one age cease to cure in another; otherwise the blood of the three thousand slanghtered at Sinope would surely have been as restorative dew to the feverish system of the Czar. ~~ Drintet by Wiliam Bradburr, ef No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St Pancras, and Predertek Mullett Bwana, of No.7,Church Rew. Stoxe Newirgten. beth in the County of Middleset, Printers,at their wdee in Lomberd Street, um the Precinct o: W bitefriars, (n the City of Lordon, aad Published by them at No. %, Fleet Street, im the Parse of St. Bride’ s, im tne City ot Lendva.—Sateapat, Februrry «4 ia

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; Ss ew UY OF amen “—@earnr’ OF ent ee Od

O LONDON CHARIVARI

NOVELS FOR THE NURSERY. THE MONKEY TRIBE IN ART AND LITERATURE. zemrve it hard that our). [tation is the homage that dulness pays to wit—the acknow- | rising generation should a that successful talent receives from struggling quackery. ‘The be debarred from the in- Public have been nauseated with the amount of homage of this sort tellectual pabudem fur- Which Punch has experienced trom these who have assumed, as for as nished to their elders in possible, his extern pearance, possessing any of his inner fashionable novels, and ua‘ities, It would useless— oe disturb the restricted to spelling- ashes of the dead, and we nothing of those who have books and primers, or 'mitated—or rather aped—our ; ie ape tribe has | to infantine Aistorietfes become so Bumerous and so j ia the objects on which it | abounding alike in good /ays its paws, that ary, a may be deceived by the children (with an ocea- “ Spurious article ” aud the “ base c sional offender to-act as he “ — imitation” mania will admit of mang illustrations, | Bogie), and moral les- and a whole series of il} ms may he met with in the numerous

sons, we propose to give '™itations of the /lustrated London News, which having become a a random chapter or so &teat success, has called into existence a crowd of imitators which will | of a romance suited to eventually resemble the original in greatness—but only by the magni- | their capacities. For ‘ude of their failure. a why, we would ask, . MR. ALBERT Swrrn, the original monarch of Mont Blane, hs another when Miss Jucrawa SMITH dogging him about with another Mont Liane; though we melts and kindles o’er believe the latter mountain, which has been labouring away for sone the woes of Lapy time, has been rather a barren speculation. In getting up an exhibition Cuare Prawrasmaco- We do object to the’ other Mx. Surrn’s attempt to confound himself rvA, should not her With ¢4e Mn. Surrm by putting the name prominently forward in con- youthful sister, Eww, 2ection with Mont Blane, for the obvious se of profiting by a des'st awhilefromtrund. case of mistaken identity. We camnot say Ww is pictorial views may ling the healthful but he we have hy? tk th ae ao they résemble his views of rrosaic ‘Lin her wor! anee and sentiment? ‘Thus: {#irness, we cannot think them worth anything. prosaic hoop, to revel in Aer world of romanee and senti - We hope these remarks will have the effect of abating what has of CHAPTER XL. late grown into a public nuisance, of a very annoying, if not of a very “Au!” sighed the beanfifal Lavy Aramryta, gazing from the dangerous character. casement of her nursery at the pensive moon, “where art thou, ———————— Avueustus ?” Beside her ladyship, untouched, unnoticed now, lay her neglected doll; her listless fingers clasped a new pink sash. “ Noppix,” mur- mured the maiden, “attire me for the ball; to meet ¢Aee once more, Aveustus!” she whispered musically. And now, her graceful pinafore soon laid aside, the high-born damsel languidly resigned herself to her attendant. Beauteous, youthful, scarce had she numbered seven summers, all eyes were turned on Anamryta at the balls and soirdées which she deigned to honour with her presence. How to describe that ‘ loveliness? A robe of pale pink silk, with eight sweet flounces, drooped to her genouz, while pantalons of finest Meéehlin completed her attire. How simple, yet how elegant! Silent and abstracted she remained liquid sweetness soothed his spirit, murmured soft words of sympathy and love. And ah! that honied kiss, those sugared lips! CHAPTER XLI. Iw that festive scene of light and soul, who fair as ARamiwta? who noble as Auecustus? His ardent glance thrilled through her heart ; her hand pressed his, and left in it—ah, what? A pair of dull’s shoes, | affection’s offering! Soon, twirling in the polka, again he! FATAL EFFECTS OF WEARING AN “ ALL-ROUBDER” SITIRT COLLAR. breathed his love ; and ArnamrnTa, too, confided all her bitter woes. “ We'll live on sugar-candy, love, and learn nomore horrid spelling. “And my hair, love, Nopoie shall not curl it, shall she? She 4 Conversation in a Lodging House—Overheard on the

pinches it with tongs sometimes.” “No, no, sweet Amaminta; say but the word, be mine! My pop- Staircase. 7 gain us food. Nero shall be our fiery steed, our home shall Time—8 a. mu, Not © Soul up. “ Nay, love, I have s darling doll’s house, and a new box of bombons ” Landlady (bawling from the bottom of the house). Many, have you Bonbons !” cried Aveustvs, kindling at the thought, “ bonbons / say finished sweeping Mu. Simpson yet ? | but the word, loveliest, dearest | say, may I call on your Papa?” Mary (over the banisters). Yes, M’m The maiden hi ' neck was clothed (or lined) with his usual thunder—that his hee-haw was owner of a plantation of negroes in | (we mean ha! ha! i hid her blushes and her curls on the-shoulder of her _ Lendlady. Have you dusted Mu. Baices, and clearcd out Ma. Avoustus’s jacket, her silken socks quivering in the bliss, the rapture Tayton ? moment, M of that | Mary. Yes, Mm. i Landlady. Well, then, blacklead Ma. Jewxrs first, and then come down here, and give the Frenchman a scrubbing, as soon as you Sibthorp in his Place. hear the Sweeps have gone. [2zif Many, to blacklead Mu. Jexxuns. Is ae to — affectionate inquiries we have to state i. = 5 = on the meeting Parliament, Cotone. Sretuoxr appeared in his place like a giant refre= or Goo or MaGoc newly painted. We are Wanted, 0, Puapens of Glaves. comforted | had still no confidence in Ministers, and _ Tux fire-eater, Jon Mitcuzut, it seems advocates slavery in his that his voice was for war. We were gladdened to observe that his New York paper. Anxious to receive a t, he wishes “ that he alabama. All in good time.

licose as ever—and that pawing the He has not yet got the plantation, but one of the Beecuens (Mus. y at Kalafat or in the with the lash. That,—as an i was as bel | floor of the ee the f a Colonel of Stowe’s brother) has, i letter, lied the “ patriot” presented y > of a Co ol ) 4 sup d the “ patric | Lincoln Greens scenting the battle Black Sea. , ( . 7 ery,—is some- | thing to begin with. VOL, XXVI. G

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ene Soo png ack «cameo - ane, ~ yo nina — a = re win lie, altri gi 52 asi PUNCH, OR OUR FAST YOUNG LADY AT THE OPENING OF PARLIAMENT. _ HEN u ‘want, dear Mr. ) Punch, my opinion about tre ceremony of the opening of the parliamentary season, or whatever you call it, on Tuesday? Well, I will tell you, in confidence, that it was exceedingly stupid. But lam very much obliged to you for sending us tickets, pecause Rose and Ettew Markasy (whose parents give twice as many parties as we do—such stuck-up business though, I hate it), have long been wild to be there. Not for the sight, you know, for they are ahout the dullest girls gomg, but he- cause they like to get among great people, and tak ahout them afterwards to little people. Haven't I favoured them with lists of Earls, and Bishops, d Ambassadors, who came Up and were intro- duced to me ind Jui, that’s all? Now, don’t look re- provingly at me, because you know that I do not mean any harm. When [ tell you that I offered one of our tickets, for the inside of the House of Lords, to poor Mas. Votrine, who took us down, and had only red cards for the Royal Gallery outside, you will say [ am not ill-natured. Now, scold, seold, scold, scold, scold, scold. Who cares for you 7 ‘Jutta and I had very good places, and being both of us pretty girls, I think we rather eclipsed the peeresses and those sort of people about us, though, certainly, they were got up regardiess of expen-e, as the theatrical managers say. The men in red uniforms and tags, who showed us the way in, and who, I suppose, are beadles promoted to the Peerage, looked quite charmed with us. However, we walked haughtily forward, and took our seats among the aristocracy as proudly as pos- sible. Some of the dowagers, with dauzhters of extreme skinnine;s, looked sternly at us, but most of theladies around were very kind, and told us who the people were.. I paid great attention, in order to be ready for Netty MarKkaBy. “ My dear Mr. Punch, don’t yowever be made a Peer. Much as | love you, I could not bear to see you inene of these red cloaks with ermine bars dowa it—an invention. clearly taken from a serzeant’s stripes, which are given him for.good conduet, at least so our Hester says, whose cousin is a soldier, and is: enough to eat ail our cold meat, L believe. What Guys they ! And imagine a man being prouder of four stripes of ermine than of three, poy tt down on poor creatures with only one. Talk of ladies and their rivalry about flounces! Once more, Ie Punch, if you let them make you a Peer, you and [ shall have a word of a sort. “There was a long wait, and we got tighter and tighter, and at last our seat could hold no more, and we fairly rebelled against all new comers. But there came a grim old lady in black, with a world of diamonds, which sparkled the more, as r old thing, she was shaky, and had better have been at home. een there was no setting oneself against an afflicted person, so, in a sort of flurry, [ offered her my seat. She never thanked me, but took it, and | began to think I had been rather silly, when such a nice Bishop, who, it seems, had been watching us, took my hand, an¢ with a smile, planted me down between his two daughters, and eviden'ly told them to be civil to me. There was no need, for they were running over with good-nature —fair, plump things—very well informed, bless you, in fact I did not know half the things they did—but not a bit of stuckupishness. They made me understand the Turkish question in a minute, which yow could never do, Mr. Punch, come. “It was quite a House of Ladies. All down stairs, except one row of front seats (and some ladies got upon this too, and would not move), and the gallery round the place, and a great gallery opposite the Queen were crowded with us, aad there was a Lady on the Throne, after- wards, and then the scene was complete. he Lords, too, in those gowns, looked like old women. While we were there, they hal better have asked us to make a few laws, especially one against moustaches and smoking, which I told the Bishop’s daughters was much wanted— but they did not seem to know sendin who were guilty of either. “ At last we were ordered to drop our mantles, and then came the guns, and soon afterwards the trumpets, and then the procession came in. Lt reminded me of a scene in one of those tragedies they usei to HE LONDON CHARIVARI. | play at Covent Garden in Ma. Macreapy’s time. I was a little thing | then, and always went te sleep, but | remembered the heralds and the | officers bearing crowns, and sceptres, and swords. Bat Her Masesty anole have hada march played, and gone, statelily, round and round the House. “T thought the Quezn read the Speech beautifully, though I felt quite nervous for her. What she sad I[ could y understand at the time, and not much more when [ cameto-read.it. It would have heen much better rf she had spoken thateapitat aad clever speech you ommenes for her, the other day, about in Chynadowls and Jenyy IND. “ Bat what do you think, my dear Mr. Pamch?° Ags soon as the Queen had retired, makiog beautiful bows, amd tue Prince the same (and he looked so handsome, that.1 dem’ welieve.one si word against him—it’s all malice, invented by ugly There !), the shaky old lady beckoned me to come to her, alk | thought this rather odd; however, | went, and she asked meyamg-nameaed: where I lived. Which I told her. And then taking leaveeof the bishop's daughters put her out of my head. But yesterday,Adr.. Pameb, came a packet for me—it was left by a messenger who was netito-wait. I thoughtit was some joke, and that one of my cousmagamthe Templ doll’s cradle, or some such nonsense—they are. always deing those things. A /ovely bracelet—better than anything.ef Niany Marxasy’s or her sister's either (for all their parties), ands note, written, Papa says, in the courtliest old French, in which a “charming child’ (that’s me, but I’m not a child) ‘is req to remember that a kindness to an ugly old woman’ (whieh she was xof,) ‘is not always thrown away.’ No name, no crest, and we havemo idea who she 1s. So, you see, your cards, my dear Mr. Punch, have turned up diamonds (two, at least, in a snake’s eyes) for “ Your affectionate friend, “ Regent's Park.” “Ewma Sana Lavra Frick.” A Deleterious Compound. Mr. Coppen said, at the recent Reform Banquet at Manchester— “ There are now 100,009,000 of subjects. shut up in Delhi—the most miserable | spectacle of fallen greatness in the world. aded in-Delhi, we trust We can only say that if human nature is the disgrace is not altogether in-Delhi-ble.—N.B. We here fine our- | selves five shillinzs for the above. “Scratched” for the Derby. Tae Eart or Dersy, at the opening of the Session, has discarded a mass of useful, if not creditable hangers-on, who did his work in the vacation. They are naturally savage, and declare that Lory Derpy ought to hoist the notiee exhibited at various places on the river, “ All craft making fast to this Peer is liable to be cut adrift.” root! roon!! roon!!! A Conresponnent, of whose lunacy there can be little doubt, and whose position has been very properly straitened by a peculiar kind of waistcoat, has written to us to say, that having frequently seen in the yapers the words Mr. Ross Dower Mineurs, he & »w whether Mas. Ross Donecty washes and irons. The Russians and the Gold Fleets. Tar Dwina, a heavy 50-gun Russian frigate, that we suffered to fit out in Portsmouth Dockyard, has sailed for Australia to look in upon our gold ships, war permitting. And we fitted her out. Good- should like to | natured Joun BULL supplies the implements by which the thief pro- | poses to pick Joun’s pocket. THE GRAND OBJECT OF PARLIAMENT. Tue great object of Acts of Funes, SS from their un eonscionable length, seems to be to make words; and as by their want of grammar and general lack of intelligibility, they invariably set p2ople by the ears, it may be said that they sueceed pretty often in | their object. BRINGING NICHOLAS TO BOOK, Somesopy—who, by his absurdity, Bae himself to be nobody—is anxious to know why the French and English fl*ets have gone together to the Black Sea. Our plain answer is that the combined movement is made with the view of settling accounts with Nicnotas by double entry. Evits ArtexDayt on Weatra.—aAttendants. 5

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 53 STICKING UP FOR TEMPERANCE. UR leaders of the Teetotal Movement are i upon the friends of Temperance to stick up for the cause in @ rather unusual manner. Cix- - @ulars have been addressed to the nobility and clergy, im viting their “earnest room with broken heads ‘and bleeding noses, while in the foreground stands the husband, brandishing the imstrument of destruetion in the shape of a . This picture | is, we fear, terribly truce to| — but “= __ it is} - img too much of the digni- : tevin of the Church and the to go with ah utter disregard of injune- tion which bids “ 8 | beware!” and deface the walls of the Metropolis with unsightly If the call of the Temperanee body should be responded to, we may @xpéet a party of the | Peerage to be seen sallying forth, pastepot in hand, looking out for dead walls, and “ doing | | a bill” wherever an opportunity may offer. ‘Ihe circular promises to furnish a supply of | copies to “those who will assist in placing them where they may be extensively seen | read; ” so that if the Bisnor or Lowpon will kindly turn billsticber in St. James’s Square, | he may expect to be favoured with a quire of the Taperanas posters. We do not wish to | damp the ardour of the aristocratic friends of Temperance, but we think it an act of | kindness to call to their minds the fact, that “Srick No Brits!” is a common noti i im the public thoroughfares. THE HORRORS OF FREEDOM. We have often heard of the horrors of slavery, but it remaimed for the City | Commission to reveal to us the horrors of freedom, which have been declared in evi to be sensibly felt by a large portion of the community. The objectionable kind of treedom is “the Freedom of the City,” which is generally renee. notwithstanding the profit that | accompanies it in the shape of exemption From toll, whieh does not prevent its being regarded | as—to use the wretched pun of a City wag—“ an in-tol-erable nuisance.” The cause of the contempt into which this freedom has fallen is the fearful possibility that he who accepts civic , | freedom may have civic honours thrust apon him; and this it is universally felt would be an amount of jon that few could exist under. There is many a decent tradesman of n, or even merchant, who would consent te the position of a freeman, but recoils from the idea of becoming a Lonp Mayor—or even an Alderman—which might be the unpleasant | consequence of his having, in an evil hour, become Free of the City. : | One of the witnesses distinctly told the Commissioners now conducting the Corporation | | inquiry, that there would be no difficulty in getting the inhabitants of the City to take up) | their freedom, were it not for the insuperable dread they feel of being selected for City | dignities. Freedom would be acceptable to mamy, were it not for the remote ibility, | of their being ultimately hung in chains—the golden chains of Aldermen. P. = a | guarantee could be given that the Freedom of the City should lead to nothing beyond, there | are many who would pay the few necessary pounds for the privilege of driving a cart through Temple Bar, without being pulled up by the oil-skin hatted functionary, whose duty it is| to shriek out “Now then!” and demand a few coppers in the name of the City from the | — of all waggons or carts—not adorned with the City arms—that enter the 0 . ion SOFTNESS OF HARDWICKE. aes to Sie eee in a six-line burst of eloquence, from the Ear. or Haxpwicke in the House of Lords, on the day of the opening of Parliament. “He-could safely say himself, that he had never written or dictated any article in any paper whatever.” We have much pleasure in bearing out the noble Earl in this rather unnecessary ast and we have no. ation in saying that we believe him wholly incapable of writing article in any paper whatever. No one ever suspected his Lordship—as far as we of — ut and we therefore fully acquiesce in t o the wicks to which the public looks for enli . As one of the luminaries of the House of , the Hazpwicke in question is one whom we should be sorry to snuff out, or otherwise extinguish. any GALLANT BLAST FROM THE “A Turkish Poet, Haum Errenpt, has composed a war- hy Ae GOLDEN HORN. countrymen, it is somewhat in the style of Marsevilaise, has created the utmost furor in | Constantinople.” — Journal, “Tt is not in the least like the ‘ Margei!laise,’ but is, not- withstanding, a very beautiful and spirited «fair, and here | up it ia’ — Punch. Ur, wearers of fezzes ! Up, o of turbans ! You, in Stamboul, You, Pera suburbans ! to take part concussions, And walk, like red thunderbolts, Into these Russians. Waves-on the standard The Shirt of the Prophet, At least, to speak properly, All that ’s left of it. Se, swords by your'sides, And your hands on their handles, March out and demolish The eaters of candles. Come, from the Mosque, Cutting short genuflexion, rere from the slave girls Wait Mmspection. from the coffee-house, Leave the tobacconist’s, Put your own pipes out, And then your antagonists’. Come, from the bath, _ Where the grim grinning nigger off your skin gut a very low figure. it the hareem, With its smiles and its cushions, And make up your minds — To asto these Rooshians. Come, from your nooks In the Island of Princes, Where you eat such nice lunches Come, from the banks By the Sweet Waters yonder, Where the matrons of Stamboul Talk double entendre. O Father of Cannons, (I wouldn’t be personal, But mean Ma. Tayton, Who casts for the arsenal) || Soon shall your handiwork, Blackened with powder, Answer loud Dannenburg, Perhaps rather louder. Up with the horse-tails ! And up with the Crescent ! eens ving unp t. Who’s he that fancies The Moslem to frighten ’ The son of burnt fathers ! We'll blow him to Sheitan. A Musicat Periodical has an announcement, sabimmation that “Ma. Sims Reeves will be concluded next week.” to with a view to publication We trust nothing serious is intend d, though Sele everal of his literary innocence. The Hampwickes are not among it will be a loss to the public if the extent of tenment, through the medium of the newspapers. | the contemplated i i a Core ya A Vocalist in Danger. 1 design on the vocalist is to

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id Dt PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL nee ca 3 || I wn ai = mH Ni f" THE MOUSTACHE MOVEMENT—HOW TO FLATTER A GENT. | Voss. “Gor as¥ OLD Crotwms, Sin? (whispers) avy Levr-ory Ustrorss, Cartan?” BATTLE SONG OF BOW-BELLS. lv we must lick !—alas, Friends of Peaee—NicHo as, ‘Tooth and nail go at him, Strike a dea w at him. First from the 1a Blazing like p Bring yore ips fant a up all, Biow up Se PasxewirTcn, STanKkovircs, Smite, file and rank of each, MenrscHrKorr, Gonmsciaxorr, Yea, till their swords shake off. Smash GeneRat Lupers, too, And all his intruders, too ; Give or SackEN A deuee of a whackin’ Make them from Kalafat, Run like hot tallow-fat, Their rear bay’nets seratchin’, Expel them from Matschin. At Giurgevo tan’em And hide, at Radovan, ’ em, Whop, at Kalarasch, ’em, At Hirsova thrash "em. d’em all, The Tyran a all, -_ The Tyrant you catch—an t gibbet him— Put bin “Extn es he is, in a den, and exhibit hima. THE QUEEN'S SPEECH INTERPOLATED. | Hien Masesty’s clear, Silver voice was heard in every nook and corner of the buildings it pierced even the dense body of Members sti uzzling and kicking, ffom the Commons; although, as faithful chroniclers, we are bound to state that the royal syllables were now and then sorely hustled by dispute, as the Times says, “condneted with so much warmth ” by two Members, that they were now and then | he ~ ‘d (in interpolations) above the “ Speec *h” of their royal mistress. ‘The dispute of the Members has not been reported; we therefore give it, as it m ade itself through the voice of Her Maszsry. ‘1 am always happy to meet you m Parliament.” * Where are you Slesing ro by have contimed to act in coriial co-operation with the Emperor vf tue Frenca.” “You talk of shoving! Just take your elbow out of my stomach !”” ““ My endeavours, im conjunction with my allies, to preserve and estore peace — “ Don’t talk to me.’ —Between conten ing parties, although hitherto unsuccessf (“ You pull my nose /”’) " oe will not fail to persevere in these endeavours.” STRIKE THE FLIGHTY CZAR. A Ballad for the Ministry. H, leave the way, the fruitless leg The path *twixt oe and we nee t, And let your policy be As clear as s broad i light ; And as we end t long delays, That mere evasions We'll show the pluck of ‘other days, And strike the flighty Czar. I ll tell how Turkish maidens wept ro ga inactive kept, . eli Vl tall thee hose the. Czar"s reply Kept from the t afar, Then scorn the lomatie’lie, And steike the flighty Czar | 5 “I'll knock you into the middle of mext week !””) r * With the view of su np 19 a and of more effectually een so he retrain a ee “STARS AND GARNER” Peraisstox has been given by the Exrgrom Louis Napotzon to of procession, but the several persons to wear foreign orders, and the. consequence is, that or—was our old f Cuor Bey is at anind to come his bosom into 4 crust of paste, with rhubar Tue report states with strong the imitation have been from tine knight of two or | illustrious, that our friend Cyer ' of the clotted eream of! Prencli fact, that the’ Freach Gov estadtisbed itself by tricks, of honours. r himself as a jon - It is a somewhat ato Serie id to h four policemen eon a ty Hai happiest Parliament “ several Tur Srepr-at-He : ae eer eee of decorations that | thusiasm. He was certainly muc eered,” time Bh rags He is, it seems, a | from the cup that cheers and does-ine three differe éagles, and is altogether so | up between Seepy and a customer who and when the Turk asked for the Turkish question seemed li THE TURKISH QUESTION SETTLED. states that along the line of proprenrens of the opening of “ap in their national costume Sree Donalas favour,” We orp cleag: the whole ian Turk we saw the Turkish ambas- kely to | ipertive acriored, orl wa iad the d witncanng he ete fear the nein ol thee teat Ve RBOSITY IN Lapies Exriausep.—A Law-wri!er complimentarily | says, “ From the way in whieh ladies talk, you would imagine the) | were > paid for their words : at so mach a folio.” We hope they will be “TL Auvaudag eesl A ae those they loved were slain, iy itinerant vendor of | “chaff” than en | Navat Cooxery.—We are glad to see that the boilers of the Simoom troop-ship are in course of being strengthened. rendered strong enough to cook the Empzror or Russia’s goose. i J ‘nowo Tt *jeo *oar

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i cinihe. ae Fn : Pere nome Soeielipetidineneennteiee aaitnees een es then aa ee ie TS Pai

a7

SCA!

Se — —— THE SPLIT CROW IN DIFFICULTIES.—A FABLE FOR THE DAY. \ SPLIT CROW FANCYING HIMSELF AN EAGLE, FIXED HIS TALONS IN THE FLEECE OF A SHEBP—BUT, NEITHER ABLE TO MOVE HIS PREY, NOR TO DISENTANGLE HIS FEET, HE WAS DESTROYED BY THE SHEPHERDS.” ‘

anne — | ‘Ponca, No, 657.

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MEDICAL REFORM BILLS. He question of Medical Reform is one which Par- liament, engrossed with its own reformation, if the distraction of war will allow it to attend to that, can hardly be expected to deal with just now. In the meantime medical men themselves might do some- what towards reforming their Profession. At least they may reform their own i At present a medical prac- titioner is paid in imverse ratio. to the gooa that he does his sone. The totter | Sus ves the most. money for ape least value received, i for much that. is worse than valueless. received into the bargain: usting physic, painful applieations, and other punishment. For the doctor’s. remunerstion is based on.a wrong principle, being proportioved to the length instead of the brevity of his attendance—that is, to the smallness and not. the magnitude of his services. Mr. ALpERMAN Surverr feels an unpleasant sensation in the great toe, which, on examining it by stooping towards it.as near as he ean he perceives is swollen, somewhat red , and rather shiny. Alarm at these appearances he sends for Dr. Heap, who administers a judi- cious dose, prescribes a proper regimen, arrests an attack of gout, and | receives five si for m and attendance, or at most a guinea fee. Dr. Heap goes to the Diggihgs; and on the next occasion Dr. Brock is summoned to. attend the worthy Alderman. Da. Bock tries a specific usual in such - ang It fails. He repeats the experiment with another, and another, and another specitic, all usual in sueh cases, and employed largely in Dr. BLock’s extensive ractice. Leeches, liniments, lotions, are also applied, and lastly flannel and patience are recommended by the doctor. The last of these remedies proves successful in some months. Then the doctor sends his bill—if he has not been.taking his guinea a day, or so, all along— | and for a series of draughts and pills, and dre i and emollients, and refrigerants, and sedatives, and stimulants, intrinsically worth little, relatively less than nothing, together with acertain number of visits, occupying so much time, of no value to anybody but the owner, Dr. Buocx gets his fifty or sixty pounds. No wonder that Dr. Buock lolls in a carriage whilst Dr. Hzap is obliged to emigrate to Bendigo. They these things better in Utopia, and so might we, by eying the physician for his cure according to its importance. Let so much per disease. For a commen cold, say a erown ; or a » todo a guinea; for bronchitis, pne umonitis, pleuritis, | or other acute disorder threatening life, three, four, or five pounds ; | so much for quinsy, so much for dyspepsia, rheumatism, gout; so much for simple, continued fever, ague, typhus, with an extra charge for typhus gravior ; jaunaice, so much ; epilepsy so much; such and such a figure for St. Vrrus’s dance. What could be more simple, easy, and satisfactory than the following notion of adoctor’s bill’—Mnr. Joun Jowzs to Justus Farmrax, M.R.C.S., &e.:—To Colic, 5s. 6d.: To Vertigo, 5s. ; To Inflammation in the Chest, £3. 10s. ; To Measles for Masters Txomas and Writs Jones, 10s.; To Hysteria, Miss WiHeLmina Jones, If medical practitioners were paid in the manner above recommended, it would of course be their interest to expedite instead of retarding the eure of their patients as much as possible. Injustice to them | some additional allowance would have to be made for cases essentially of a chronic or tedious nature. On the other hand it may be ob- jected that some unworthy members of the profession would cheat, by charging for consumption when the case was common catarrh, and put- | ting down small pox when the complaint was only chicken; but there | are not so many downright rogues engaged in regular practice as to | give this objection much weight. On the contrary, such is the liberality of many medical men, that if the patient would give a fair price for the cure of asthma or scarlatina, no doubt the doctor would often throw influenza or nettle-rash in. Russtas Commence.—Caviare to the Million. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “ SCHOOLBOY” M.P.’S, “Her Masestry, who is always diverted by the schoolboy impetuosity of the Members of her Lower House, appeared to be more than usually amused by the endeavours of right hon. and hon. gentlemen in the front rank to — their equi- librium, and to smooth dewn their faces into a reverent d — to the Ducness or Surner.asp, to whom she made some wt remark Times. Mr. Puwcn would not—for any sublunar consideration —be thought capable of violating the royal confidence ; but—in eommen with Loans ApernpeEn and Russeiu—he believes he will -~ communicate, what it will be very agreeable lor the omy to when he puts in und ing type the “goed-humoured remark alladodte by our distin- ‘that the schoolboy Members should, on the late guis It was very: occasion,.ex jibitameresthan usual alacrity, “ and tumbling into the ee ye 2” for never since Quay [mag Armpphnen presided at a oar lian hed the re been a —— in. Westminster from — a rt was we say, it was mao, te = ,- a Sg a on the eventtul down ~~~ ope was charming to a of them leoleeds. knowing eatin boys are— hrm to the Duchess. “ Duchess,” . ‘our. Masnary ”— «You pct ing a pia af inryonr pocket ?” Mae Your Masesry,” —— by no means sur- a is-neb etiquctic io be po oe “not a ab’s a pity,” remarked the. down at the Comm glancing Quasy, ons-—“ otherwise, what a scramble we might have had | st with ‘em. This was “the good-humoured remark,” and is at the service of the | future historian, CABBY’S CABALISTICS. A cotiection of cab tickets given under the New Act by some of the London Cabmen wouid be a curiosity of hierogiyphics which | might puzzle the ingenuity of the ablest to decipher or elucidate. We beg to present the yoblin, with a fac-simile of the latest specimen we have received, and we shall be happy to give any reasonable reward to anybody who ‘will furnish a. key to.the. mystery. Perhaps. some members of the Cab Protection Society may charge us with injustice to the much abused oe panotary abusive cab fra- ternity for having put forth only a one-s view of the ticket, and to meet this accusation we give the other side, for the benefit of all who may be able to make anything out of it. tet_\ ADDRESS “ = S oy 4 Liss Ted} ‘Ve can fancy some future Layarp employed in a fruitless attempt to fiad the meaning of these inscriptions, or some remote Get ¢ vouring to do for a Cab Ticket what his antic uarian ancestor succeeded in accomplishing with regard to Pompeii, the ruins of which enabled him to conjecture what the city was in its perfect condition, Sepastorou at THE Mortar’s Movta.—Diplomatic remonstrance will not bring the Supreme Scoundrel of Russia to reason. . Nicuonas will never be quiet till he has had a good blowing up.

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+2 | :'4 - { 58 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. ae : | | A aT : I | | HEIGHT OF POLITENESS. Lady. “ You deserve a Penny, my Boy ; but I have no small change in| my Porte-Monnaie.” Boy. “Oh/ nang port, Mumaelle, mercy tooley maim.” _~————- —_ : THE DOMESTIC REFORMER ; OR HOW MR. PATERFAMILIAS MADE HOME HAPPY. Scene 6.—How Mr. Pargapamrisas brewed at home, and what came | of it.—The Back Kitchen, 6 a.m. The small water-tuh by the joint and several exertions of Srraccs| and Master GeorcGe, has been emptied of its contents—Master GrorGe having, of course, kept himself in cold, and his mother in hot water during the operation, Perils by fire have succeeded perils by water. Master Georee, ia converting the top of the flour. | barrel into a false bottom, has scorched his own trowsers, and singed | all the hair off one side of SenaGGs’s head ; and Master NewrTox | having in his eagerness laid hold of the poker, in the manner usually practised in Pantomimes, has burnt his finger severely. Mus. P.’s maternal heart has been tedly wrung, but Mr. p. is firm and collected, and the construction of the mash-tub has at last been triumphantly achieved. The water in the copper boils, The malt is in the tub. The moment of the grand Beer Projection is at hand. | The family are assembled in a state of nervous tension. Newton (craning over the copper). {t’s boiling, Pa! I see the | bubbles of air at the surface. Ah, Emmy and Laura don’t know the reason of ebullience, I know. Mrs. P. Oh, that boy will be in the copper—I’m sure he will! Come down, you bad boy, this minute. | (Master Newtown ts lugged down from his perilous perch. | Ur. P. (pausing—with a consciousness of imperfect information). Let | me see—the water should not be let in on the malt at boiling point, I | think. | Spraggs (who having already been in a family where they brewed, is | regarded as an authority). We used to ‘ave it about loo-warm, Sir, | | where I lived afore—leastways it was one pail o’ bilin’ to three | cold. Ur. P. (referring to his “ Beer-brewer's Manual,’ at 2s.) Ah, that | should give us about 78°, which I see is the heat recommended in this | very clear little praetical treatise. — 7eorge (springing to the copper with all a boy's relish for hot water and practical otek i, Spracos—hold the pail ! Mrs. P. Oh, you’ ll scald yourself to death, Geonce—or your sisters | —or some of us! | George (wildly dashing in the pail), All right, Ma! Mr. P. (who pressing forward too copes, has had some drops of bovling | water splashed in his face, angrily). Will you be careful, Sir ! ! | | a | | ; | Sully.) Uhave no George (who is already at the pump). Now the cold, Srraces! (The hot and cold water are solemnly mingled in the mash-tub ly Mx. P. Mr. P. (seizing a walking-stick, and referring to his treatise, as he briskly stirs up the mixture). “ Let the malt be stirred briskly round, so that it may thoroughly absorb the water ”— George (seizing a stick, and aiding his father), Hurrah ! Mr. P. (whose treatise fails him at points). How long did they stir it in the family you lived with before, Srraces ? Spraggs. Well, Sir, that depended if it was Cook or Muster Wappte—’cos Cook couldn’t a-bear the work. Newton (who has secretly ssed himself of a three-legged stool, and is peeping into the tub). Oh! I see, Pa, all the gluten’s in the water aeels ; it’s just like gruel. Mrs. P, Ah, a precious mess I’m sure we shall have when all’s done !— Mr. P. 1 should think the mucilage must he thoroughly extracted now. (Refers to his treatise.) “Then draw off the wort.’ Will you bring that washing-tub under the tap, Spraces ? (Srraees brings the tub and places it under the tap. The wort is run off. i; is suspiciously pale, and there is very little of it. Vr. P. (astonished). Bless me! why there must be more of it, surely! Newton (at the mash-tub). No, Pa. It’s all out, and the malt’s all sticking to the sides of the tub, like paste. Mr. P. (musingly). Wat can have become of all that water ? Spraggs ( reapectfull, , Sut still with some of the pride of knowledge), b | Please, Sir, there ’s what Muster Wapp1e used to eall the suckage, Sir. Mr. P. Bi! the treatise makes no mention of that. : Spragga. The water as ‘ave been and gone into'the malt, Sir, that is— Mr. P, Oh! of course; the absorption allowance must be made for that. How ridiculous! I had forgotten the absorption, Mrs. P. Mrs. P. Oh, I dare say you had, and I hope that may be the worst thing you ’Il forget before you ’ve done with all this nasty mess. , Sprags. They used to put in about as much second water, where I ived, Mr. P. Ah! exactly—yes. Of course. I had overlooked the passage referring to that. But (examining and tasting the run) isn’t the wort rather pale, Seraces? and not so sweet, I think, as I had expected? Just taste it, will you. Spraggs (tasting). Well, it do taste rather small, Sir, I think. Mr. P. Um,—perhaps it will Acquire flavour by standing. Spraggs (doubtfully). Well, dun’now, Sir. Mr. P. However, we must put in the second water at all events, or we shall have no quantity to speak of. George (surreptitiously tasting the wort and squirting it out again). Er —what nasty, sickly stuff! Mr. P. (cuffing him). How dare you, Sir ? Newton. May I, Pa? Mr, P. Certainly, my dear, you will taste it to some profit. Iam quite sure of that. Mrs. P. How can you, Mra. P! I’m surprised. You’ll have those boys laid up with stomach-aches, or bowel complaints. Newton (tasting and reflecting). 1 say, Pa, 1 don’t think all the gluten can have been converted into saccharine. Mr. P. Fh? Well, so far as 1 understand the treatise, I think we must be right. However, we musé add the seeond water, or there | won't be two gallons of it im all. With much misgiving Mr. P. superintends the introduction of the second water, The wort dribbles off more abundantly, Lut paler than before. Mr. P. (struggling against his doubts). It must be pale malt. (Cheer- ‘fount when the hops are added that it will be quite satisfactory. (Mus. P. shakes her head with bitter triumph. Scene closes, Scene as before. Time—12 Pm. The hops have been added, and the boiling is complete, The beer has been run off successively into a wash-tub to cool, and into the ex-mash-tub to ferment, Mr. p. keeping jealous guard over it the whole time, and with much difficulty protecting it from the unscientific curiosity of Master Georce, and the inductive experimentalism of Master Newton. It is not (ill he has left it finally to ferment at ease, that Mr. P. has retired with feelings which can only be compared to those of a general who has won a great battle, or a diplomatist who has conducted a difficult negotiation to a successful close, and now st. the sleep of satisfaction by the side of Mins. P—NB. Mu. P. hes used the celebrat-d “ German Yeast manufactured from pure gluten.” Stage dark. Enter Master Newton stealthily, in his night-dress, guided by his scientific bent, and his sense of smell, to the spot where the beer is fermenting violently in the silence of the night. The curiosity of this youthful votary of science has been too st Sor him. In his eager- corede dandal theaceeen of daattiainn ts has left his crib, and now, in nce of the injunction of both his parents, who have placed the back kitchen under general taboo, has come down, determined to &> eeeesea=ea 2S arrt4 8 SSS ew ee Fi ac. rs? on ash

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 59 look inte the small water-cask, in which the ber has ton left ferment. He is seen to A. the.cask ; to place his three- d stool by the side of it; to lift up the hinged lid and to look eagerly in. All of a sudden, he starts back, his eyes rolling wildly, and throwing up his head, drops heavily off his three. legged stool on to the flags, struck senseless. by the gases of fermentation,— Note, Many of = readers may eoapiaig pg ie aprons h to the tragic ; but as Mx. | - Rosem rane $e ‘1 and Dinah,’ “ This is not a come | istory [” | Enter stealthily Masten Groner in shirt and trowsers, and SrRAscs | in his stockings. fone to test the result of the day's work, and imperfectly in a in chemical processes, Georce fondly imagines the beer will be fit for drinking that very wight, and has won over | Spraces to go with him, and draw off a surreptitious jugful, against the positive orders of Ma. PaTERPAMILIAS. Sprogge (ina whisper). My eyes! if your Pa was to ketch us— eorge (in whom curiosity has conquered conscience), Oh, bother ! they ’re all fast asleep. Geta light, can’t you? Spraggs (groping). Ere’s the lucifers (he gets a light), and a candle, (He lights a candle. George. And I’ve got ajug. (Capering). Oh, aint it a lark! [They h the cask, Appatling discovery of the inanimate body | of Master Newton! Spracos drops the candle, and Master Georer the jug at the same moment. Crash and seream ! ypraggs (recovering wildly). Fire! Murder! Thieves! Fire! Oh, Master | Ob, Missas! Oh—Fire! Master Newrow! Ob! (Distant screams are: heard, as of females in distress on the oma | which are taken up and echoed more faintly, as from in despair in the attics. Awful apparition of Mn. Pitm a revi? = cap and long n , armed with a poker anda wi a pay hee ‘- ly ee up, and is hugging him weed ing nig) fraternal tears. Mr. P. (almost speechless). Gracious goodness, what’s the rt Ro of all this? Geores, what are you doing to Newton? Sparaces, what in the world ropes od ? Newton (opening his » Eh! Oh, please, Pa! I wanted to see the process of Seuneahatlenent and I think it made me feel as if I was tipsy. Mr. P. (overcome, fred ona’ An Ngwton in his arms). Oh, Newton, NEwron, + but at wife And you, Sir ? (fo Groner. Suddenly | awaking ‘to of Srxacecs and Gronce.) And Srraces ? (oo came you here at prmery 4 time of night ? (basely). _ ——— Master mie Sir. (perceiving ). Good gracious, that I should be the father ot two ata so ache (Sternly to Geore.) Go to bed, Sir; I shall have something to say to you im the morning. (To Begrsen Andi Do you think you caw walk up stairs, my dear, or 8 a ~ Oh, i. walk, Pa, I’m not tipsy now. But (after a pause) please, ie won't flog Grorct in the morning? (He puts his oe tel P.’s neck coaxingly.) Will you now? ir. Fe (i the Roman manner striving 10. tak the father in the dis- ciplinarian, but, failing in the attempt). No, no, dear, no. He shall not be punish-d this time; but, if ever I cate him ‘at these trieks again! And you, Sir! (He rushes on Srnaces, and relieves his mind by hoxwng his ears Seaaces hicks and howls. Scene closes, HE BRITISH ADMIRAL LIFE PILL. This wonderfal Pill, which is taken by most of our oldest and bravest Adnritals (known, In consequence, as 's Admirals of the Blue Pill), is strongly recommended to all persone of infirm habits, wh» cannot move from their invalid-chairs, or are tied by a gouty leg to one position all day: n> matter what their infirmities, or old age. may be, it will instantly put them in a state to undertake the most active service, and enable them to rise from a sick bed, «nd go through the most ardaous duties at a moment's notice. Fortified with this Pill, their constitation, let it be ever so shattered, will be instantly put to Tights, and capable of enduring the severest action. In the event of a long journey being requisite, distance is not the slightest object, for this Admiral Life Pili is warranted to give the person who takes it the power of going to any station, and oecasiovally beyond it, it yom wes found, after repeated trials on the temper of our seamen, to keep. not only itself, but the taker, in any climate, t+ will strengrhem the weakest frame, and pepo Fas stop all pains of rheumatics, or otherwise. Ln « word, it wild make an old man better almost than a young one. Sold in Boxes, made out of the same wood of which the Winchester (Min Fitrrw oo Peicew, late Commander), and other notorious ships were built, at different prices, varying from the value of a | serew steamer to a man-of-war. None sre genui ¢, unless tucy have the Government a them. To be had, in any qnanticy, for bome ae or exportation,at the Admir cy, who «alone Have the ve mght of diepwing of them. N.B. Namerous Testimenials froa mirais, now afloat, whose wooden legs have | deriwed the greatest benefit from them. Great News for Scotland. tersbars.” ‘he nex morning the Premier received a letter from the ities of begging to know when that hogshead would — CURIOUS CHINESE DEFINITIONS OF WOMAN. HE Strong-Minded Woman is a dragon in a nightcap. The Stupid Woman hatches egg- plums. The Obstinate Wofiim goes to sea in a bandbox. The» Patic Woe poate 4 ox ee Weuld like to D see what there is a spider at- writes her kills herself in “Hi. BAILLIE.” Tue Turks are boid at Kalafat ; And when drums beat to quarters, Een through Sinope’s butchery, They stood to die like martyrs But still we should have slighted them, (They ‘re getting weaker daily), And lent a hand to Nicnowas, Had we been ruled by Bat.ite. Ob, H- Bauass ! Unpopular Hi. Barcrre! But Turkey’s right and Russia wrong In each point of the quarrel ; The Sultan’s acts are fair and straight, The Autocrat’s im Pooh! right and wrong may serve as themes For Grortus or for Pamgey ; But these are led by sterner stuff, Accordi a H. Bare Unserupulous H, Barutar. When the big bully of the school Threshes some little in: What ms boyish he We ought to take the bull md “ Hit hi he’s got no friends,” At im senn, H. Bart, Ob, H. Baits! Ungenerons A. Barrie! , Barats! H. en ey a When e against t sach a most Consistent “ Logp Apeapecen march enh nat Disaaeie—

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Te ee a ae ae “phe 60 PU CH, OR THE Ay! ‘Ws be U La] A (iting | gr) Obsequious Perfumer (loq.). “Mr. Hatror would you allow me to offer you a Seat /” REASON AND THE RAZOR. \ : T might have been expected (hat ; the Beard and Moustache Ques- tion would have been treated with some temper, being a sub- ject of no importance ; although it was once a matter of con- troversy between the Greek and Latin Churches, and by far the most substantial point on which they differed. wear moustaches some praise them. Swindlers wear moustaches to pass for gallant captains: musical pro- fessors also wear moustachies to pass for foreigners; wherefore others disparage them. This is not philosophy. Although the hone of conten- tion, Hibernically speaking, is hair, yet it has been disputed without hair-splitting nay, without the slizhtest attention to common logic. Irrelevant arguments have been adduced on either side; just as if the disputants were ladies, and had, or could have, no beards or moustaches to debate about. A futile objection to moustaches and beards has been based on the supposition that they are the badges of covert red republicanism, enmity to order, and membership of secret and treasonable socicties. As if any conspirator in the drama of real life, and out of that of the Surrey Theatre, would sport a token of his designs; as if, instead of declaring himself by a rough muzzle, he would not wear the very smoothest possible face. ‘ Beards and moustaches have also been denounced 2s indicating a desire to look picturesque, or grand. But everybody desires to look graud or picturesque unless he is conscious that the attempt to do s would at ws him look ridiculous, or unless he is too deeply absorbed ir his studies, or anxious about his prospects, to trouble | score of his personal —- therefore uumself on the Arguments equally inconclusive, however, have been urged for letting | cases all depends on the question the hair grow about the mouth and chin. Nature, it has been said will he at liberty in five Gallaxt captains | ‘need of the notions aud new ideas deve THE BLACK, BLACK SEA. To a Member of the Peace Society. On come with me, my Dove; And ur jou s end shall be, Where the British cruisers 1ove In the Blaek, Black Sea. With Frenchmen by their side, And fall lo we ‘ As out fleets awe In the Black, Black Sea. Like toad unto its hole— ; Where Old Nicx’s have hal ‘o flee— uto Port On the ets Sea. Where Old Nicx’s equadron lurks, } That so base and dastardly Weut aad massacred the Turks On the Black, Black Sea. To venture forth, no doubt, | ‘They are very far from free ; For they know they ’d eevee out | On the Black, Black Now tell me, oh! my Dove ; truth to me, move Now admit the Wasn’t this a On the c k Sea ? And don’t you think, also, It had better been, if we Had that move made ago On the Black, Black Sea ? minutes, Ma'am ; meant it to grow there. So, Nature meant the hair to grow on the head, and the nails on the ends of the ; whence it does: not follow that Nature did not mean hair and be cut—if expedient. It has been asked: Why not also shave the eye-brows? Why not, in a measure, if ever they should grow long enough to get in the way ? The patriarchs lived long lives, and are the length of life, whereas length of life would undoubtedly oecasion jJength of beard, if the beard were suffered to grow all the time. It is probable that the patriarchs did wear beards and monstaches. They were wise. They would not take needless trouble. Therefore they would not shave. There was no reason why they should shave. They did not live by the exercise of invention. To them there was.no in the haman mind during Moreover, their. diet and beverages were consistent with the beard and the moustache. y did not mop up turtle-soup; they.were not im the habit of, burying their faces in frothing pots of beer. Their moustaches, therefore, and their beards were never agglutinated. If Nature positively intended that we.should wear beards, she would not have enabled us to shave without much inconvenience. She has not accorded us a similar facility of cutting off our noses.. The rational conclusion is, that she meant us to consult our convenience in wearing our beards or shaving them. r The beard of man makes its appearance at the time when he arrives at the capacity of entering into the conjagal relationship. Hence it seems designed to attract the admiration of the fairer sex. Aceord- ingly, the question of wearing. it or shaving it, is one that is best determined, by being popped together with that other question, with which it is obviously connected. It is the province of woman’ to smooth the asperities of our nature, and it is for her to decide whether the five minutes devoted to shaving. she will assert the prerogative to the extent of proscribing the use of the razor. The views of the Bishop, the Colonel, or other nomagromengs Bw yn the Official Chief, the Master of Clerks or A may be ad- vantageously regarded in reference to retaiming or abrading the growth under consideration. He who is perfectly independent will wear beard and moustache if | he derives comfort from so doing, w he also incurs ridicule, in | which case he will balance the positive feelmg of pleasure, against the deal pain that he may allow hunself to suffer, or not, as he pleases. \ man with a round fat face had better shave if he ‘would rather not neur more derision than he is accustomed to. The same advice may 1¢ given to those whose crop, if culti would be red: but in these the object is to create sensation, or to consult ease : please other people or one’s self. supposed to have worn long: beards; but it is not certain that the length of beard was the canse of | trioted by William Bradbary, of No. 13, UpperWoburn Place, in the Parish of St. Fancras and | redertch Ose \e@adon Lombard Street, m the Precinct of Whitefriare, im the City of of No. 7, Chured Row, Stoke Newington. i of at thew Ny Letra may pt eye ll, a. Mullett Bvans, ana Publish by them at No. %, Fleet Street, in the

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL MINDING HIS Ps AND Qs. A REMARK having appeared in the Times to the effect ; ort GaLeR, who plays Harry Bertram in HE EMreRor, whose re- | Gay iag, allows Merrilies to \ie dying im his ligious feryour hour! | presence, without vouchsafing her so much as a glance, | hag beer | that has addressed a letter to the Editor, in | i the fact, but racted —— BULLETIN FROM ST. PETERSBURG. (By Mesmeric Telegraph.) ains it by the statement tice the presence of Meg | be given.” Perhaps | giving Harry Bertram at the situation in between these devo- | { tional exercises he ad- | the ressed NesSELRODE question. and oho attend- ance On Ais person with great earnestness and our in what appeared to be an un- known tongne. Prince Gortscwa- Korv had an andience with his Imper Majesty; who admi- nistered a stern reprimand to the unsuccessful general, and concluded it b kickmg his shins. | His Majesty then oceupied himself with despatches from the army on the Danmbe, | which, haying attentively them, he desired might be cooked for dinner. The Autocrat afterwards devoted some hours to the recreation of flying a kite, by means of which, he declared, he has drawn 60,000,000 roubles down the sky, where they exist in au : ‘fforts, notwithstanding existing circumstances, are made to bring about the admission of an envoy from Pngland; and the Royal Family are trying to persuade the Czar to receive Dux: Fortes Wrnstow in that eapacity. The fatal shot has slain you, at my feet partimg bless me, t is through me you die; But though to your devotion Some gratitude is due, I dare not look upon you— ; I have not got my cue. oo eee Intumixatep Letrens.— Valentines. A NEW LEASE FOR LIVERY! THE GIN AND WATER DRAMA. | kind with peculiar avidity. | we know, be figuring in the playbills. i At one of the cheap theatres, which peculiarly addresses itself to the | taste of the million, a drama is being performed under the startling and yet familiar title of Gin and Water! We have no intention to analyse this singular specimen of dramatic , which is no doubt much relished by the audience, who are sure ink in anything of the v We should have thought it rather difficult to write a play on Gin and Water, though a certain class of dramatists may have the habit.of doing so. It used to be a common idea that authors drew their inspiration more successfully from gin-and-water than from the Pierian or any other spring, and the probability is, that the dramatist who has on this occasion taken gin and water into his head as a subject for the stage, has good reasons for doing so. It is to be hoped that he will not become intoxicated by success, for if he does we shall be inundated with plays of a kindred kind, and we may be expecting Rum and Milk to commence as soon as the run of Gin Water bas concluded. If this should be the case, half the Metropolitan theatres would be converted into grog-shops, and we should be having Brandy and Water, in six stiff tumblers and eighteen tableaux; or, Whiskey and Water, in four acts and twelve toddy-spoons. We have not ventured to taste the Gin and Water now being offered to the patrons of the Drama; but we can imagine some effective lines which may, for aught | MAGNIFICENT PALACE OF GIN! And distant view of the Valley, with THE CREAM OF THE VALLEY RISING TO THE SURFACE. In this Scene will be introduced THE CELEBRATED BOHEMIAN TUMBLERS, Nightly honoured with Brilliant Overfiows ! | The water em in this stirring dramatic compound, will be | furnished by the New River Company, and distributed among the Well-known Pumps of this Establishment. ie yee will be preceded by the celebrated Overture to the Ruler | Business of the Nation. evening which was solely oecupied in the House Hvpson’s speech in vindication of bis own ‘we may vériture ‘to observe that there was (to quote Jack Rae) nothing stirring in the House but stag-nation. Exrraogpmany Countsair.—Mz. Groner Hupsow courts inquiry. VOL. XXVI, “Permit me to express my heartfelt gratitude to the Lonp Cuam- | BERLAIN for having insisted on the observance of diplomatic cos! ume at the opening of the House of Lords, to the exclusion from that august ceremony of the American Ambassador, who by order of his Government could appear only in plain clothes Af a time whena utilitarian materialism is denying the oul of the™beautiful in costume, his lordship has nobly distinguished himself by the chivalry with which he has come forw to beli the cat. I am one of those who take delight and pride in the official uniform which we ar: privileged to wear. I pak I rejoice, in the splendour of my decorations ; which reflect the orient beams of the su», and the languid glances of Beauty. “Tt has been asked, with melancholy ignorance, What & diplomatic costume? Why may not American costume consist in plain clothes ? Simply beeause diplomatic costume is the reverse of plain clothes. Examples are better fitted to carry conviction than vague generalities, and I give the following description of diplomatic costume as a pattems h bright blue coat, with yellow facings, and metallic buttons seraldically ornamented ; a green vest; scarlet plush ineffiahles ; stock- ings of pink silk; glazed pumps edoreas i Po ww nia silver buekles. A convolution of variegated cloth twist bedecks the left shoulder. The bat is surrounded by a brilli au of gold lace, and on removal di of well-r ourls, imbued with odoriferous , and snowy with farma. The apparel of which I have thus attempted a faint description is what I have the honour of wearing myself. may | continue to wear it; long may that cuaperee oad eaaityarns Hy of deme conte ue to be worn by our | order ! Aa a nuggets would not purchase the complacency which I derive from consciousness of my grand yet L exterior. Thanks again, a million thanks to the Lory Cwaitpent.siw for having stemmed the tide of demorratie yelgarity which would strip the diplomatic pate Trent ate servants! If they were thus shorn of their wiocies the same fate would very soon be inflicted on gentle- men in private situations. J am one of those gentlemen. T helong to a cloth whi been the objéct of ion dictated principally by | envy ; but which may now advance ifs high pretensions under the Lomb Caampentars. You have not heard | . The fact is, sir, 1 now ho a teprietenet which relieves me from the necessity of labour. 1 continue, however, to observe the stream Of Cache tra py Metboerd, which at present, is that of the ; but ina capacity “ And old Friend, of'me fe long tine iage of Tncesie your dhelneas Penvaas OT “ Jenkins.” my Lorp CuaMBER- just now, for the love of

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ST. VALENTINE REDIViVUS. HAT Valentines are qaaally sinking into isrepute must be attri- buted, we think, to their extreme mono- tony, and to the fact that they are so seldom adapted to the charac- ters and pursuits of those to whom they are | addressed The common sense, which, at most other, seasons, dictates to lovers of either sex the | readiest way of making | themselves agreeable, seems to desert them on | the 14th of February, | and she, who if in love with a botanist would display in her con- versation the greatest | mterest in the construc- | tion of the Crmmto-| gamia, om that | day of ail’ days, find CHARIVARI. Once, when I deemed ay ivory throat had caught Your gaze,—my coral chanced to meet your eye ; And of | = builders you di Less of your Many than those Polypi. Ah! had my foot, which 4 left its print ng the But all in He Sa be to touch thy heart, And fill a For though J. feel each ¢ “non-progressive * Then fare thee well! since Thy mind, save vast For living beauty he wi Who only thinks a schistose roek is gneiss (nice). like to mine ; a keener smart, seas of ice ; ne’er admire, Jonzs, Esq, FROS8., L.A.C. LysensiBLe youth, while, each day, I desery Fresh charms in your sweet conversatioz, I fear la. eg heart will be stopped, by and by, and thought courts your gaze, red sand ; seems to fire | Our second instance is from Matitpa Mtacuim fo Evsesivs ° “. <wPhceteg aN ace nothing better to write | VALE Ce. —— to him than the old | BF... ae arbi imcased ti thine, Gist wae farrago of “sun had! A thrill licceh ab whole frame is stealing, set "==" first we me "—" shady lane ”— 5 sacred fane ’—“ myrtle hower ”— Your eyes look as calmly and on _— blissful hour”-—“ I'll be, thine ”—“ Valentine.” Therefore, to supply a want As if ’twere my pulse you were generally felt, and to re store valentines to their ancient popularity, we here append | a couple of specimens of “ Valentines de genre.” And whilst, dearest Doctor, whéne’er I ati Eexpooe | } The first shall be from Miss Many Snare fo Micau Stare, Esq, MO oem Sarat Si tee Soars Ute Professor of Geology. | A | © trou! far harder than the igneous rocks ! Whose thoughts and feelings, by some dire mishap, As s¢ldom turn to my bright eyes and locks, As if the trap you worship were La Trappe Why dost thou leave my merits for the faults In veins of metal? Why, when I would shi: Before thee in the mazes of a waltz, Are the coal measures quite prefe red to mine ! Once, when I stumbled on the river’s side, Thy arm sustained me, and I looked my thanks ; Whereon you talked, until I nearly cried, About “ Submergence and denuded banks.” A POOR BOX FOR THE CHANCELLOR. Tue Times \ately recommended benevolent persons to send con- tributions to the Police —, c... the result has been a large addition to the funds at the d al of the magistrates. It has oceurred to us vg the principle r- relieving distress through courts of justice might be greatly eaenied if the public would have the kindness to send donations to the judges i in Westminster Hall, and to the various Courts of Chancery. If the Chancellor had a Poor Box at his disposal, we are quite sure he would find, among the ruined suitors of his Court, a vast number of objects for the exercise of charity. Weknow of several instances in which the unfortunate victim of equity has been compelled to take a very good suit to the pawn- | broker’s, because he happens to have had a very bad suit in Chancery. ‘There was a case reported a few days ago in which fifteen counsel were | engaged, and we were strongly tempted to enclose half-a-crown’s worth | of postage stamps to the Chancellor for the parties to the suit, but we felt that the thirty stamps would go no way at all among the fifteen lawyers, each dt whom would make a mere mouthful of the two Queen’s heads that would form his p Ah. of the booty. We trust that our hint will not be thrown away, and that a Poor Box in Westminster Hall will shortly be in full operation forthe benefit of the unfortunate victims of law and lawyers.

| ie 28 OR ia | Note and Query for the Slums. It has often been asked why certain establ'shments for the sale of old iron, rags, bones, and other miscellaneous articles, are calle d marine | store shops? ' Perhaps, because the stores are stolen in the main. Of a subject you’d bought for dissection. All the doses and pills that you send me each day, To cure me will never be able ; For I throw the contents of each bottle away, And keep nothing at all but the label. My illness requires, to cure it, dear outh ! ‘No potions, pills, plasters, or leeches For I feel every hour, there must be some truth In what each homeropat hist teaches Yes, ’tis like that cures like, and I’m forced to declare ; From my pains I shall never be freer Till, my doctor relenting, his drugs shall prepare From Curtp’s own pharmacopeea.

STATISTICS OF GRATITUDE. Tue Family Herald appears to be astonished at the circumstance which it relates in the subjoined paragraph : Mew unper THR Icz.—From the 19th of December last to the 6th of January, in St. James's Park, 34 persons were immersed and saved; in Hyde Park, 6; in Kensington Gardens, 2; and in Regent's Park, 7; total 49, whose names and addresses are known, in addition to several who refused to give them. No subseription or donation Sane received by the Humane Society from any of the above persons, with the exception of & poor boy, who requested the secretary to accept of twopence in returnfor the treat- ment he had met with.” Our domestic contemporary will he that Na in truth, nothing wonderful in this apparent) [owe Soe hoe one poor boy, the persons alluded to for gratuitous brandy and water hot, which po mre themselves or let themselves in for; and for which, if ry fn ny they could not thank the Society at all. sides—unlike the poor boy —no doubt not one of them is worth twopence.

———— a BeTise wore! News has reached London of the death of the Eurznon or Japan, and the Court is to go into mourning for three years in consequence. We understand from a source upon which we can rely—that is to say we can if we like, but we don’t—that in consequence of the ¢ demand for black in Japan, a celebrated Londoa out several bottles of Japan blacking.

“Uwe Faytaisre ve Bacu.”—A Lady's Bonnet.

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6 HNu PUNCH, OR THE. LONDON CHARIVARI. Man on the Grey (who comes Express pace over the Stile, Honsz THREATENED INVASION OF AUSTRALIA. Somesopr in Australia is said to be somewhat alarmed, because some Russian ship is said to be sailing about in some part of the Pacific. The nervous party, of whom there are always numbers waiting to be shocked and shaken by the wires of the e'ectric telegraph, will of course be thrown into immense trepidation by the possibility that the Exrzror or Russia, tempted by the gold, may contemplate the invasion of Australia. Society has always a quantity of quakers ready to go off into a fit of panic at one of Rumour’s faintest reports, and we hear that a meeting has already been held in Melbourne by a few tremulous inhabitants, to consider the best means of fortifying the coasts. We shall be glad to hear of any progress that may be made in this | notable project for protecting several thousands of miles of sea shore, | against the one apocryphal ship now rumoured to be pursuing some | apocryphal voyage, for some very apocryphal purpose, in some yay phal part of the Pacific. For our own ‘parts we do not beiieve that the Emperor oF Russia’s projects tend in any way towards the Pacific, and we hope therefore that the nervous settlers who have met | to fortify Australia, will settle down quietly to the more laudable task | | of fortifying their own nerves. Reform and the Czar. “Wuisnt!” cried the Irish Ri driver to a curious inquirer, touching the Pig's destination.. “Whisht! he thinks he’s going to Cork, but I’m driving him to Fermoy.” story, and duly adapted its double-meanimg at the Reform Meeting at | Manchester. “ think f ster. : I’m going to talk about reform, but | ’m | only going to praise St. Petersburg.” THE RETURN OF THE ADMIRAL. We do — understand the speedy return of the fleet from the e hope this movement will not prove to be one, with ich, the truth of the old saying as to quick returns and ill be realised cud cannons against two quiet riders), HAS GOT NO MOUTH.” | “on account of t Mx. Coppen has heard the | “Bea Parpoy, GextLewen, BUT mY THE HEIGHT OF RESTITUTION. We do not often borrow jokes; but for once must depart from our usual custom. An American statesman assigned, as a justification of his countrymen’s desire to possess themselves of the British fisheries, the cireumstance that they were “very valuable.” Similarly, the magnitude of the joke subjoined is our excuse for taking it from the Times :— “ The Cuasceitor ov rue Excuequer acknowledges the receipt of the first half of a £10 Bank note from ‘ Z. E. LD.’ on account of the Game Laws.” The Gregalach acknowledges the receipt of £10 from a Lowland azier on account of black mail. What ’s-his-name Pasha, the Turkish Minister of Finance, acknowledges the receipt of £10 from a Kayah on account of “ ch ”’—these are only faint attempts at joking after the above manner. Conscience-money on account of Game Laws! the joke will be the death of.us. ‘lhe conscience that feels the obligation of such payment must be morbidly tender. It is probably a gouty conscience. Doubiless it is an expensive conscience too. Pa.ey could never have afforded, indeed, to keep such a conscience as that. But hold. yoy the remittance came from a game preserver, and jame Laws,” means on account of the expense to which the sender had put his country in enforcing those laws against | poachers. That supposition, if correct, would entirely alier the case; | and ten pounds, instead of being a preposterous sacrifice would be a shabby instalment. The Cord of Sympathv. We hear a great deal from poets and travellers about the Hanging Gardens of Italy. Considering the number of executions that take place under Italian despotism, we are not surprised that hanging gardens should be in request. We should expect to find in Naples, under the paternal sway of Kive Boma, that a Hanging Garden would be very suggestive of a rope walk. === Ixscrirtion vor Exeter Hati.—* Charity begins abroad.” ————

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a " z Pe as 64 PUNCH, OR ELIZABETH JONES, OF ST RICHARD COBDEN, OF YORKSHIRE. PETERSBURG, THE WEST RUSSIA, TO RIDING OF Honovrep Sir,—As almost @ nalralized sulject of his Majesty the Emr’non Nicno- LAS — (Heaven preserve the morning and evening hymn in our family of Prince Go- THEWHOLEHOGANOF¥)—I beg leave to thank you on the part of the English nurses (wet and dry) of Russia, whom you have righted in your beautiful speech at Man- chester. A snow-ball must that heart be that did not melt at your support of my down-trod adopled country, and of English nurses in partic’lar. “T need not, honoured Sir, say how many years ago it was since ] was engaged by an English house as wet-nurse, and sent out—assigned | think they called it—2ith cotton and flannels to the care of a gent in Russia, to be delivered to the noble family of the Go- THEWHOLEHOGANOP?Ys in their palace of Petersburg. “It was so beautifully timed—everything is in Russia wader the lelescope eye of the Emperor—that I took the baby, he wil/ be when his father dies, Parnce GotuewHoLeHocaNnorF—that | took that blessed Perer from the month. The present Prince is a man of what is called liberal notions in ‘he widest way, not allowing any of the servants to be flogged under his own roof, but always having em sent out to punished quietly and comfortably—(they ’re flogged, a8 I’ve heard, at so much a head)—and then to come back into the bosom of the family, being thought none the worse of for the licking, and thinking none the worse of theirselves into the bargain. But a contented mind is a con- tinual feast “ Well, no, the Prince being fond of all sorts of liberties (as is whis- pered; not but what the Emperor knows it; not a mouse squeaks in Russia that the Emperor doesn’t hear the cretur)—the Prince considers an English nurse—especially wet—as a lively part of the English con- stitution. In fact, no foreigner—not even a Sensien everything English. You should only see him drink bottled stout, | and eat mince pies (which Fort’NaTE AND Mason always sends us at Christmas.) ‘The Prince when he heard he was going to have a son or a daughter, would have a nurse from what he calls and sometimes sings dear old England the land of the free! (you should hear him do Rule Britannia on the flute; only he now does it in his own iron cabinet, because he’s heard his valet’s a spy, and that might take him to Siberia, where it’s so cold, I’ve heard, even the moon can’t change herself ). So—afore I knew where I was I’d made up my box—there vas no refusing such good wages—and had bid good-bye to the Shoulder-of-mutton Fields, Hackney, and was dropping down with the tide, straight for Russia. That’s at least some—years ago. “ As I say, I took the little Peter from the month. It isn’t true— and | wish you'd said as much next time at Manchester) that Russian | babie’ are weaned upon tallow, and cut their teeth upon oakum—they | their noses and think nothing on it. The Prince said the dear child jon’t. Pwrer, asa baby, had, to be sure, at first, rather a Russian look—but in three months he’d have passed for a true-born British baby —a real English one—even at the Foundling. Well, the dear child every lay got so English, his own father didn’t know him! When he was three ears, the dear little fellow sung Al/ round my hat—yes, chirped it like ny blackbird. Then again, what a child for beef and plum-pud- ling—whilst, as he grew older, he took to knuckle-down A ring-taw real English play) as if the games had dropt from the skies upon him. Then, too, how he boxes! But to be sure he was allowed great practice ; all the servants being made to let him hit his little fists — rad ywed all these blessings to me, his nurse, which was more than my poor merits deserved—for J ever knuckled down in all my life ; whilst 18 for using my fists,—I could as soon have clapped a pair of wings ! For all that the Prince was so pleased that he made me a present— being as I believe short of ready money, which will happen with Russian princes)—a present of a dozen slaves, which having no house r, | sold to a Jew, who robbed me in the most unmanly manner,—but vy, honoured Sir, should I pour my private griefs into your breast ?, | THE LONDON CHARIVARI Emp ror, as we sing by way of sticks—and they drink —can be fonder of | ‘read your speech, and as gratitude is the weakness of our sex, I thank you, honoured Sir, for standing up for English nurses in Russia. Why, ononred Sir, the Russians dote upon us. The offers I’ve refused—but ‘never mind that. We ’re turning St. Petersburg fast into London. In | a few years, and you ’ll have a Queen Charlotte’s Royal Lying-In, in | every street in dear Muscovy. As you say, honoured Sir, we ’re Setting as like England as snow ’s like snow. There’s the English Club, with gents the merchants —with just the same white heads and red gosgs, and gaiters and walking- rt-wine, and talk bees-wings in such a way, —you d think you was listening to Bow Bell. One gent (a dealer in hides) was shockingly knouted—between ourselyes—for black-balling a native as would haye passed for British, but the thing has been com- fortably hushed up, One English Club! Yes, I believe we have one! And with all my feelings for Russia, doesn’t my heart mélt and my eyes run over, when I see on. Victorta’s Birth-day Y R_ over the yortico in our best oil, and hear Young Russia singing, fn better English than-—saving your presence-—you could do it at chester, God Save the Queen! ‘ | “ And then, honoured Sir, our horse-racing! Why—in the Season |—you’d swear you was at Epsom only for the snow. Weve real English jockeys, and the horses theirselves have so taken to it, they |won’t answer only to English names. It’s wonderful how we’re | getting like you, All we want, is the men with the peas-and-thimble, 'and then, I should be a thankless cretur to despair of. ’ “ So again; honoured Sir, thanking you for standing up “ike a man and a brother (saving your presence) for English nurses and English horses, “ T remain, Honoured Sir, “ Yours Respectfully, “ Evizapetu Jones.” “PS. L hope you tl excuse mistakes, but the climate of Russia is apt to lay hold of oir tongues as well as our noses. I leave in the | game ship with Baron Brunow, and shall be glad to send anything \from you to the Erexor through my honoured master, Prixce GoTHEWHOLEHOGANOFY.” THE RUSSIAN EMPEROR’S WALK. From his downy bed at the break of day Czar Nicno.as walking is gone, To look to his little affairs upon earth, And see how his war goes on. And pray how was the Monarch drest ? Oh! in a helmet with a crest, His frock and trowsers were indigo blue, And one of his jack-boots the hoof showed through. He saw a dastard spearing an infant, In an “ orthodox ” warrior’s fury, And the Autocrat smiled, for it put him in mind Of Heron’s exploit in Jewry. He watched his Cossacks whilst they burnt a Turk’s house, With rapturous tranquillity, And the Emp’ror was pleased with the inmates’ cries, For they soothed his irritability. As an army-surgeon, on a fast horse, Rode by on his avocations, “Ho ho!” cried the Czar, “1 have found my good friend Plenty of amputations ! ” As he passed Sinope’s shore he saw The work of shot and shell, And he said, “ In that place—which suffice it to hint— That work, ’twill be owned, was done well!” He saw a certain Minister, deemed a Minister to his mind, Forced on in a certain House by a majority behind, And the Tyrant quoted Proverbs—not, however, like a Clerk— How Jony Butt’s bite he hoped would be less bitter than his bark. France and England’s fleets in chase He fled with consternation, Aad all the haste he was able to make ; For he found he had made a slight mistake To doubt their co-operation. yi | = A Brit rrom Broruerton.—We legislate at mi " Being here in my native Hackney on business of the Emperor's, 1\ acts, like those of a bad man, would not bear the light of day. i t, as if our |

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| BLACK MONDAY.—BRUNOW DEPARTING FOR HIS SCHOOL IN THE NORTH. Clarendon, “THERE, DON’T CRY, WE SHALL HAVE YOU AMONGST US AGAIN IF YOU’RE GOOD.” ;-— Feprvuany 18, 1854.) [Puncu, No. 653. \Mett q PEST “SL AW

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POSL “SL AVVO ‘uaap.lagp —- > —_ i 77) a | — 7 = a) _ a ol — c) ~ ~~ eet om. “| > DP © © ya — eS = 2 LVHM LI

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oe Nemertina: we . ‘ " a, Mine ey Seep m+

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

PARLIAMENTARY QUESTION AND ANSWER. PRETTY NAMES FOR THE NAVY. We have el ge eg to make to Hex Masesty’s Government! We don’t want office, for there is no office the Ministers could offer us| ™ that would be anything like an i to our own office, the world- renowned 85, Fleet Street. We don’t want any appointment; for any- thing of that sort which would too much occupy our time to allow us to attend to our literary duties, though it might be an appointment to us, |¢ would be such a — res to the public as no amount of mon could compensate. hat then is our proposition to the Government ? It is simply to undertake the duty of preparing answers to the questions asked in Portionsent 4 a duty in w ich all the Ministers—save one— exhibit a sad deficiency of tact and terseness. The only member of the Government who really knows how to give a good and telling answer to a question is our fri Patmerstos, who, from his style, would seem to have been educated in the Punch school, but that the sehool had not been founded when his lordship had arrived at maturity. Nevertheless, he is one of those who are never too old to learn; and he has, palpably, profited by our style of teaching. . ee To show our — for the — _—_ to undertake, we add a - few specimens of the answers we ve given to some questions that ~ been recently asked of Ministers; and, as oo have ROME AND GREASE. notice that a question is about to be asked, there would be ample time OT Ie ago the Preeman’s to obtain from us the reply required. religious service to take “New Cuvece m Partw.—Mr. Wins wished to know, from the Comptroller of Met: litan Church, Marl- : a Works, whether he had sanctioned the destruction of the Stables of the Brifish A ugh Street . j Embussy at Paris for the purpose of building a church on the site, which was said = it concerned that ee those whom to be worth £8000. 8 3 “Sm W. Moveswortn (would—if we had prepared his answer for him—have) said, s “ Om that at Eleven o'Clock, the Archbishop that as yet nothing had been decided, but, undoubtedly, if the Church should be > to the selemn Benediction uilt over the Stables, it would have a stable foundation. the mmediately after there shall be “N.B.—We are quite sure that this reply would secure a ‘ laugh’ and a ery of & Procession with Lighted Candles through the ‘hear,’ which is always so much political ‘ capital’ secured to the Government. : Aisles and Nave of the Church.” “Tue Tuames Toxwet.—Mp. A. Petcatr asked whether the Government intended re . . to make the Thames Tunnel available for carriage traffic. : = And also publishing the further informa- “Sin W. Moteswoers (should have) said that the Government felt no inclination = Ss : tion that to go inte the Thames Tunnel, as it was not very easy to see one’s way out of it. = E There had been @ great deal of public money already spent, which might be con- | : = oa a ee who desire to have sidered to have been thrown to the bottom of the Thames. Some people slept with ; . their © on that day by the Arch- their eash boxes under their beds for safety, but he thought it would not be advisable bishop will be pleased to have them sent in on the to put any more money under the bed of the river, The engineer had certainly got a before, or on the morning of the festival, through a great deal of difficulty, but if he had got through the bottom of the Thames . each with the name and address of the as rapidly ag he had got through the money, the job would not have been a very barvy yn- | — can have immediately after the lengthy one.” y . It will be seen from the above specimens of answers, “ flicked off” at| Is the benediction limited to candles? Are lamps not capable of the moment, that we should adopt the style of reply that would be ae blessed likewise? If one were to send a quantity of camphine sure to tell in the House, where a very little wit goes a very great way, to the Archbishop, would he bless that? If gas only were burnt by and comes a very great way too, for it is usually of the most far-| any person, how would it be necessary for him to manage? Incon- fetched description. venience would attend the removal of the meter and the fittings, and ee | it is not easy to see how the thing could be done unless by getting the | Archbishop to bless the gas-works altogether, the whole ant. Still, INCONSISTENCIES ! | gas would King wit bok for blessing than candles, if the ceremony

WEA

A PERSON arguing “merely to elicit the truth,” and losing his | roles sorials® by ny Bay hy | ~~ yy a temper because he gets the worst of the —- 4 the conieaty effect, and mag, by miracle, puovent the candies fom ; = pea ase as so aa < the people, and yet cuttering, or otherwise burning badly; which is the only advantage Op’ ~ m4 Pi @ fetes an <4 ee RS: | that it is possible to imagine any one could expect from the blessing of r , ch grievances, leaving the country Y\ candies. Possibly those who send their candles to be blessed, however, make such a fuss about ! rer : : Peace Society men breathing universal brotherhood, and indulgi believe that their rushlights will come back moulds. - ey language that is more than likely to lead to a breac a a of the peace ! [OF " High-titled ladies sy.opathising deeply with the slaves of America A QUESTION OF ECONOMY. and keeping up a number of milliners working all night, because they) We wonder what the Solicitor to the Post Office gets, in the course must have their dresses sent home by a certain time ! , ' of the year, for prosecuting the numerous postmen who are taken up — building the costliest prisons, and not erecting a single | for abstracting money out of the letters. Considering the unfortunate school ! j . |number of cases, we should say the sum paid to him must be very Irish members always abusing the Government, and yet too happy large. We should not wish to Lice 4 better Christmas Box, than to to accept a situation under it! oe | be presented with the amount of his Bill of Costs every year. Now, Agriculturists paying enormous prices for Peruvian Guano, and yet would it not be wiser to devote that amount to the increase of the allowing all the London Sewerage to be wasted inthe Thames! | postmen’s wages, and so, by giving them a fair sum that they can live Tradesmen giving their “Ty the education of fine young ladies, qpon, place them above the reach of toenghation. It would put an end and expecting them to mind the shop! . | to tions, and the Post ce would be. relieved of an Condemning a boy to prison for stealing a handkerchief, and yet! infinity of trouble. Moreover, we really think that establishment allowing a wealthy shopkeeper, who has been convicted several times of | would find, in the hong run, that the alteration had been one of using false weights, to get off with a small fine ! . |economy; whilst to the public, who is the great sufferer in Patriots declaiming loudly about the liberty of the subject, and putting | robberies, there can be no doubt that the giatge youll be attended their servants in livery ! ; _ | with a considerable saving. What does Mn. wp Hitt say to Exeter Hall, whilst there is so much darkness at home, sending| oyr proposal ? migueteees abroad to age ee Apt : . = see eter indents stints yovernment, seeing the charitable necessity pf a ten-hours’ bill in the cette anita not passing a similar measure for the benefit of the To Medical Men. tailors, the slopseliers, milliners, needlewomen, and other oppressed + tere Gy et Ee sea ~ = setising Sa the —— whom the hours of working ane only limited by the will of next door. “hoor to O_p Fiperrrs, Goon Metoweed Couage, Broadwood Square, Aw Lyratueie Oratoricat Roie.—It is very strange that the} A Daeaprvt Hox asp Cay.—A Spirit Medium, who has most garrulous speakers, no matter whether in public.or in private,|at Vermont, without paying ove of her debts, is advert are invariably those who are “ unaccustomed to public speaking.” American papers a8 “ runaway-rap.”

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™

_ PUNCH, OR THE | LONDON CHARIVARI.

iy, as i P \ | Nanya it c } il i (it a: AU), , De ‘il us ay

IN FULL BLOOM AND FULL FEATHER. Very slightly altered from “ Le Pollet.”

THE DOMESTIC REFORMER ; OR, HOW MR. PATERFAMILIAS MADE HOME HAPPY.

THE RESULTS OF THE GREAT HOME-BREWING EXPERIMENT. } Scent.—At Breakfast, Mn. Patrerramriias has been shut up in what Srraces calls the “ libery,” from an early hour. The tea is cooling, | and the are toughening. Repeated summonses to the breakfast table have sent to him in vain. Mrs. P. (rising from rom the table and opening the door witch leads from the | oreakfast room to ™ the libery”’); Are you ever coming \o breakfast this | worming, my dear? Such a beautiful plate of ham aud eggs; and | here it’s getting quite cold. Enter Mn. P., importantly folding a voluminous MS. Mr. P. \’m coming, dear, I’m coming; but really I wish you would not interrupt me at these pongete. Mrs. P. Which moments, m Mr, P. The moments witch T aoe am able to snatch, from the harass of my daily avocations, for communicating to the British public the results | oO ay ~. valuable domestic experience P. (impatiently) Oh! more of those letters to the Times, I su pe > (much hurt and with dignity). Those letters to the Times. I am at a loss to conceive, Mrs. P P., what you mean by that peculiar stress on the demonstrative pronoun. Let me tell you it is a duty as well as a privilege to communicate one’s personal experience to that | = organ of public opinion on points affecting health, comfort, and | ure tic matters gene Mrs. P. aon ~ ). Well, but what is the use of writing when you rs my dear, they never print your letters ? Mr. P. y, some slight irregularity, is almost ding from the conduct of a vast establishment like that of the | een! Se But they will print my communications some day. | accumulating—no doubt, for th — wien ch skies wie ees agen to eumenpentionie. | THE EXCLUSIVE’S. BROKEN IDOL. A pow’? object at all to War With a set a fellas like the Fwench, But this dem wupcha with the Czar, It gives one’s feelings quite a wench, The man that peace in Yawwup kept Gives all rh en pwevious life the lie ; A fina fella neva s Bai Jovz, he’s maw than six feet high! =: — those’ demoewatic beasts ; d flog a Nun; maltweat a Jew, uennine those Womish Pwiests, ost likely vewy pwoppa too. j To think that afta such a cawee, Which nobody could eva blame, The Empr’wa should employ bwate fawce Against this countwy just the same ! We all consida’d him our fwiend, But in a most erwoneous light ; In shawt, it seems you can’t pend On one who fancies might is wight. & His carwacta is coming out ; His maa nthe 1 om a neva saw— Are now wevealed beyond a doubt, And we must fight—but what a ‘baw !

Putting a Mess to Rights. WE rejoice to see that the stoppage of the soldier’s pay, taBeg out of it for rations, has been uced: and we hope that those who fight their country’s battles will at | least be fed by that country on liberal terms. Allow them / enough to eat, and we may trust that they will drub any ' enemy, but with less than enough for themselves, we can- not expect that ow will give their adversaries a bellyful. IwprRtaL Posrrion.—The attitude which the Emrrror of Russia has most generally assumed during the late negotiations is that of lying.

Mrs. P. You know the loads of letters you wrote them about the | sav = = and the advantage to health of that precious ventilating ratus of BeLLows’s. 7. P. (uneasily). Yes, yes; on those particular points perhaps [ | was a little sanguine. Mrs. P. And then you’ve had £100 to pay the fitters and plumbers, and I don’t know what, if you’ve had a farthing, not to speak of the smells and the ripping up the hall boarding, and the rheumatic oak you got going down to the meter that night. . | can’t conceive, Mus. P., the morbid pleasure you take in | recallin these unpleasantnesses. Mrs. P. | oe om without attention to the hint). And as to health, | what that venti ting apparatus did but give us all colds in the head, I’m sure I don’t know; and then there was the taking it all down n, and coming back after all to the old of opening the windows. Wer ’t require to call in Mz. Betiows for that. Mr. P. Well, at least, I hastened to inform bes public through the Tin also, of these little drawbacks. Did I no’ Mrs. P. But they didn’t pe that letter wither. How can you expect they will print any of your letters when they find you always doing the same thi me day puffing a thing-- Mr. P. (much excited). Puffing, Mus. P.! Puffing! Mrs. P. (volubly). Well—it is “ pufing ” and nothing else—always | believing what you see in books an eo 4 about savings, and improve- | ments, and things—and never leaving anything alone—and then finding out your mistake, and telling them of i —that’s the worst. If 1 was wrong, Mr. P., ut eo re nee SD oe it— — Mr. P. (cutting short her tira your opinions are— almost sai maser. Re a I cannot but al them most lax. Do you i on the one that I will ever withhold what I believe to be ier the public pode: or, on the other, that I am capable of conceali te ints Ly which my efforts at amelioration may be disappoin ©, MRS. P., never. Jown PaTeRPamitias is such conduct ; a ‘above it. I will thank you for a cup of tea. Mrs. P. (sulkily, as she pours out his tea). “ee-<tet tet vee te writing about now ? Mr. P. The subject of my present communication is Beer. I have laid bare—exposed from my own experience and by figures—the ,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 71 | | monstrous profits of i walle beaver, docien that he mulcts the | P. No, on the contrary: I took care to pales public by S least 4s. in the half- 1, for a deleterious article ; and I yeast, made with pure gluten, you know. - - potent | wind up by describing —_e * the method I followed in our own| Mr. W. (whistling). Oh that accounts for it. Why, my good fellow recent domestic experiment, with the reasons for preferring the pure that dried stuff’s not strong enough to ferment beer with ; it may do German Fe.» as an agent of fermentation, and a caloalation of the | for bread, but for beer you want good fresh brewer’s yeast. Why, Z| | saving, w eye 7° amounts, as I find, to at least £10 10s. knew that about it. | per — >» — nb pee take the beer-drikers at— » Pe time— Mrs. P. I dare say you ’ve proved it all quite right ; but hadn’t . P. (wildly). i mean to say you’re you better pen waited 1 tl we’d tried the beer } i 5 Ma. Tippee, did Mr. P. ra may form the subject of a distinct communication at a : Wap that, one then talk uture per i Enter Senaces announcing “Mx. Wappet.” this i ” ? Enter Wavvet, a bluff, straight-forward er, and a near neighbour | . bri door), At all events, of the P.’s : le how Mrs, P. Ah! good moraing, Mn. Wivvn, you re early. Mr. W. Good morning, morning. Yes, I was on my way to the To Ms. P.) Are you walking in that direction ? . Yes, yes (mysteriously), I’ve a packet to leave at House 8 uare. — wo Bs What ? writing to the Times, eh? ah, wonderful paper. Sir! oul concern; profits £60,000 a year, I understand. But what your subject ? Mr. P. On the advantages of brewing at home. | Mr. W. Ob, indeed! Well, we brewed at home, you know. aint F. (eagerly). Oh, now, Me. Wanppe, it didn’t answer— | did it ? | Mr. W. Well—some how I don’t quite think it did—for we've given | it up—we found it come expensive; and then the tap was’nt - Ls ~~ means— P. Expensive! Why the saving is at least 5s. on the half-barrel. | Me W. Ah, I dare say—by figures; but, do you know, I've come | not to believe in figures against facts—and the fact is, it did come | deuced expensive. | | Mrs. P. And wasn’t good neither—was it, -_ Mr. Wappx.? 4 4 an no—not at all—at least everybody sa said so. ou must have had imperfect i 9 Well I think we did it pretty much by rule of thumb. Mr. P. (with superiority). Oh—no_ wonder it was bad, then ; [ em- ployed an a little treatise—* The Beer-brewers’ Manual.” ew easantly). Well, I hope your’s will turn out better than | | ours ‘itt m sure a, | _ Mrs. P. Had’nt you better taste it, Mx. Wapps.?—Do taste it—| I’m sure it’s not fit to drixk. Mr. W. Well, that’s not much of a recommendation—but I'll give | | you ames gunke, if = Bs, with pleasure. | ly confidence). It’s been racked off these six | e . Fo med ne t to be in fine order. I'll go and draw you a| jug-full. You see, I don’t like giving that boy, Srmaces, access to | the barrel—he may acquire habits of intemperance. (Exit Mr. P. fe, the ae oe. | Mrs. P. (taking advantage of her hushand’s absence to reveal ee to Me. W.) Oh! Mr. Wappen! If you only would talk to Ma. = try to make him hear reason, and not go on always making these = , readful improvements, and savings, 3 and wasting such loads of money, | = Saree: NY maki king us all so uncomfo “S | Mr. W. (shaking his head). Oh, bless yon, | never interfere with your | wa men of prinetples, and figures—I can’t—they’ve always an average | S=S y to in one’s teeth, you know. —_S Mrs. P. Yes, those figures will be Mz. P.’s destruction—I’m sure Sinbad the Sailor and the Old Man of the Sea. they will—I always said they would. Re-enter Mx. P. with a jug of the famous home-brewed. a. y. ( “oan yma for a! i an ch elie a | THE VALUE OF FREEDOM, Get pouring out two glasses, a img his own u p : to the lights Um !—not guite clear yet, Pn afead. | The City article of the Times, informed us one day last week, that— | Mr. W. (Suspiciously). No—not quite— ~~ of the largest diamonds known was deposited yesterday at the Bank of Mrs. P. Oh—how can you?—Ma. P. It’s aé muddy as gruel—you can see it is. (Ma, P. tastes and puts dows kis plass, with a fallen countenance. | ie. . B, HT” Periasa~loolieacid ) Eh? ? Perbans a—leetle—acid— i a tS rst mouthful). A \eetle acid! of Whey — ow gs Dass T’S VINE Re ade vinegar ; you must have made a mistake in the barrel. Mrs. P. (with a Cassawpna-like outhurst). Oh—no—that’s right—'| that’s our There! What did I say ?—all along! Mr. P. I can’t account for it; but it certainly is acid— decidedly acid—in fact—as you say— | Mr. W. Vinegar—my dear fellow—at any rate, it won’t be wasted, Mrs. P.—that ’s one poy Mr. P. The fermentation must have been acetous instead of vinous. How could it have happened ? Some of that dear boy Nzwron’s ex- periments Mr. W. You must have had bad yeast, osinip eETeE!

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. > 4 et cee oe a en ee tor eer) ~ te AMBASSADORS IN LIVERY. | HERE are, certainly, some anomalies in our ceremonial arrangements which cannot | be got rid of too speedily. | We refuse to let a servant in livery pass into Kensing-| ton Gardens, and we refuse | to let a diplomatic servant | out of livery pass into the House of Lords. The Ameri- | can Minister was positively | refused admission to the! ceremony of opening Parlia- | ment, unless he would eon- | sent to bedizen himself with | gold lace, and, in fact, to} come in masquerade. Had | he dropped in at any Vaux- hall costumier’s, or taken Holywell Street in | 8 way, | and hired a suit of second-| hand regimentals, or dis-| guised himself in the cast-| off coat of some discharged or dishonest flunkey, he would have been at once| received into the presence | of Royalty with the other “Excellenciesf’who had tricked themselves out in the tawdry trap- pings demanded by the regplations of the Lorn Cuameertain. We} must protest, in the joint names of common sense and common} an ange against the absurdity and the impolicy of calling on a} oreign ambassador to pug himself in livery, and running the risk of | giving offence to a gree talon by an imbecile adherence to an effete | yractice, which certainly t to have gone out with Bartholomew | Fair and which mig] + Bal Masqué and the | air, : ght, at all events, be left to the Bal Masqué and the Beefeaters. We do not blame the CyamBpRiatn, who is the very head of all the livery servants in the kingdom, and is not only a state servant—in livery—himself, but would be nothing if the livery system were to fall | into disuse at Court, where his occupation would be gone if the abolition of external show were permitted. We admire the good sense of the American Government and of the American Minister on this oceasion, and we earnestly call on Lory Jonn Russett, Lorp Patmerston, Six James GranaM, and the other upper servants of the Crown—we have named these three as the most likely to be influenced by reasonable considerations—to get permission of their Royal Mistress to imitate | the wise example of the domestic butler of the present day, by going | out of livery. | 4 - “ ——_ } | FORBIDDEN FRUIT. PuncH, in innumerable instances, is taken in. He is accustomed to be regularly sold. But he is not to be hoaxed ; and he cannot believe that the following notice is, as a correspondent declares, to be read at | a certain small hamlet called Ashley near Lichfield :— “ NOTICE. | “ All Persons found Gathering Bilberries or otherwise in these woed on the Lord's Day, will be prosecuted, and not be allowed to enter the Woods again. “ By Order of the Lonp Bisnor.” At least it is incredible that the last line of this announcement can be true. The notice cannot have been posted by order of the Lorn Bisuor. It must have been stuck up by somebody who owes that — a grudge; with intent to bring him into odium and contempt. he rich are not akely to gather bilberries on any day. The r have no opportunity of gathering them except on Sunday. That day is not the Jews’ Sabbath, to be sure, nor are bilberries ears of corn; but the analogy between both the two days, and the two kinds of the fruits of the earth, is so obvious that it could not be overlooked by any Christian bishop, and would quite preclade the possibility of bis putting forth such a notice as the above. © position of the word “ otherwise ” contirms the view. People are prohibited from “gathering bilberries or otherwise.” How ot rwise can be gathered may be a question ; but doubtless the illiterate author of the phrase meant by “ otherwise,” ‘anything else,” ears of corn, if wheat grew in Woods, inclusive. ‘The bishop who would forbid the poor from gathering bilberries in his woods on the “ Lord’s Day” would ta doubt as to what day he alluded to. He might be sup i to bare perhaps invented some new festival of the Church, some day to be sanctified im his par- ticular diocese as that of the Bismor. Moreover, acting with that consistency which enforces doctrine by life, he who denied the PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. poor bilberries on that sacred day would at least deny himself fruit. He might not, perbaps, entirely fast ; he might even partake of soup, | fish, roast-beet, and xen-yeing, in succession. But he would stop at four courses. Dessert would not approach his lips. He would drink his wine—but he would not touch a grape; he might imbibe any quantity of port, but could not taste the smallest piece of pine-apple. THE GUARDS’ LAMENT. “ Three battalions of the Guards are under orders for Malta.”— Times. (Scpavrern singeth.) Aptev to “the sweet shady side of Pall-Mall !” Chatty lounge at the big front Club-window farewell ! Farewell Palace-Guards, with your dinners so gay, Where a friend one might ask, and had nothing to pay. Bank-duty adieu—once I thought you bad sport— Where I “ve guarded the bullion, and punished the port ! How changed now our work—by reverse sad and hard— We've to punish the bullyin’, the Porte we’ve to guard ! Farewell—one and al]! Little changed ye will be, While there’s nought but sea-stores and sea-sickness for me ! (Private singeth.) Farewell ob ye field-days—farewell guard-parades, Where we dazzled the eyes of them dear nurs’ry-maids. Farewell to the area, where oft on the sly My Many came tripping when no one was by, ; And would open the gate, and would lead down the stair, To where the hot supper was smoking so fair ! Farewell, Sundays out, when on JaNx’s hoarded pence Together we tippled, and cussed the expense ;— Farewell—one and all! Shall I find, o’er the sea, Any “ gals” half so green, and so tender to me? (SupatTery singeth). Farewell, pleasant routs, with your belles fond and fair, Farewell, dear delights of a squeeze on the stair. Farewell, Rotten Row—and the ride the next day, When her cheeks looked so fresh, as we cantered away. Fareweil, Chiswick fétes—where ’mongst bonnets and flowers, *T was so jolly to crowd ’neath the tents in the showers. And ye, dos pink capetes, ne’er to Greenwich again Shall I drive you for whitebait and Hart’s pink champagne. Farewell—one and al!—will ye e’er think of me, While I sadly cast up my accounts in the sea ? (Private singeth). Good-bye, tap-room tossing, and slate bagatelles !— (SUBALTERN singeth). Adieu, billiards at Prarr’s !—Adien, Jermyn-street Hells ; (Ensemble), We are gone—we are gone—where the big cannons roar, And our places in London will know us no more! o DE OFFICTIIS. Amoye the offices that have been “sold” in the City, we find the following :— Yeoman of the Waterside. Sword Bearer’s Young Man. Common Huntsman’s Young Man. Water Bailiff’s Young Man. We should like to have some account of the duties of these indi- viduals who have been regularly “sold” for the benefit of the City revenues. The Yeoman of the Waterside seems to be a very inefficient officer, if we may judge by the numerous depredations committed on the coal barges; and which the Yeoman, if he did his duty at the water- side should certainly be the means of preventing: The Common Huntsman’s Young Man must be a curiosity in his way, inasmuch as the Common Huntsman himself would seem to be a very superfluous personage. We should jike to’know what there is to hunt in the Oar, or what oecasion there can be for a Hunt. man, unless it is felt that the Corporation may probably to the dogs rather speedily. We cannot better show ar. to the City than by getting rid of these bad offices as qui as possible. A Star ry tae Face ror Disrari1—* Let no man fancy he is the coming man.” Goethe.—(Vide Goethe’s Opinions, p. 114.)

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. JACK’S (ALWAYS) ALIVE! Sm James Granam i of business, Seria as geod | announcement in the following passage from a i Fifi Zt Un-Parliamentary Intelligence. | Some surprise has been excited by a rumour of a New | Writ, in connection with the name of Mr. Duwur. Being aware that Mra. Duxvup was not in the House of a | we have made some inquiries on the subject, and we | that the learned gentleman has in fact “ moved for a new writ,” the truth any be oe he has moved in consequence | of another New Writ having been issued against him. | Merapnysicat Procress.—The Reform of the Eecle- siastical Courts would be a great step in assertion of the Freedom of the Will. ENGLAND EXPECTS EVERY MAN WILL DO HIS DUTY. | == Ellen. Does the scheme affect Charles. Well, Andover, ‘Arundel, THE REFORM BILL MADE EASY. we know ? | | Trwe—Breakfast hour on the ; Loxp Jouw Russzxz’s | introduction 7 We Bal Scenz.—A breakfast room near St. Pancras Church. Persons visible. Cuantes, and Even, his wife Person invisible. Their Infant Angel. ell me, Cuanxes, in a word or two, this grand Reform to do. Boroveusaise’s girls will call, have studied it all. to ’ the with gratification), There is the | Or, here ’s t! = . the sense wi EF f E F : bi i way. | Loagp Joun, at a dab of the | | it~ + iniest mite. all). Through the names, I take it, | So Honiton— mi e.. tl ’ ! what a thing is marriage ina . Never mind that. Charles (does not), Well, now to allot These sixty-six M.P.’s whom we've got. i of counties SauUNDERS’S (To ~ If you’ I

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74 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Charles (laughing). My dear, you're thinking of boys—the nny thirst Holds men—(Odserves her again distraite.) How pleasant your for knowledge ! Dan’t say you listen, and show you don’t ; Tell me a. or else you won't. Ellen |r: ). My dearest, I hope I’m not perverse— Charles. Bat what the deuce is the use of the purse? Well, on we go. Those atrocious lawyers Are to send in two of their own topsawyers, As if the House didn’t want relief From the men who jabber as if from a brief, With “puff” writ jarge on their brazen faces, And who jabber and puff thea:selves into places. But the yell that met this precious proposal Has left this couple of seats at disposal. Lastly, (1’ve tired you out, I’m airaid), A new Metropolitan district ’s made, Where Kensington’s haughty piles of stone Unite with the see y and suob-like Sloane. And now all this, if you count, you ll see, Allots the Members—just sixty-three. Ellen. But, sixty-six was the number you said. _ Charles (delighted). Darling, you carry a quick little head. The otber three, there is no denyin’ Are tossed as sops to the Scottish Lion. Ellen. But do any new people get votes ? Charles. And will strangely alter the state of polls. Anyone earning a hundred a-year, Paid half-yearly, or quarterly, clear, Or who takes his tin, economical fox, From Government, Bank, or East India Stocks . Or pays to Assessed or Income Taxes Forty shillings when GLADSTONE axes ; Or graduates where Alme Matre» conduct— (Bllen. Like my brother Tom ? Yes, shoals ! INDUSTRY AND IDLENESS IN THE NAVY. very day we read, “ All is activity at the dockyards ;” but what is the use of activity at the dockyards, if there is nothing afloat but “gout” and “ indisposition?” The following aph is quite enlivening, and it is really refreshing to contemplate the vigour it seems to manifest :-— “ We learn from Chatham that the whole of thie artiacers and labourers in that dock- yard are now, with few exceptions, at full swing upon the task and job system of work and earning from 5a, to 7s. perdiem. The progress made daily in building the Orion, screw, 91, is manifest even to an unprofes sional eye, and the mechanics of al! grades seem, under the excitement of the change of syst-m, quite a new class of operatives. The sails and rigging of the Meeanec, 8), are com plete, and she is ready for commissioning.” This ‘is all very satisfactory ; but when we come to read something about the officers who are to be at the head of the working of all this pron ising array of naval construction, we find such paragraphs as the vnnexed to damp our patriotic aspirations :— “ We hear Vice-ApmiraL Tas Hox. J. Percy, commanding at the Nore, is suffering from an attack of gout. “ Reas-AominalL Martin, superintendent of this dockyard, continues very unwell. This is mos unfortunate at this present moment. “Carraut Preamawtie, of the Juno, is also indisposed. “Carraixs Sin Evenanp Hows, Bart. C.B., of the Ca/liope, 26, senior officer on the Australian and New Zealand station, is reported by the mai! just in from that region to bave died at Sydney on the 2rd of November last. Carrais Fremayris, in the Juno, was going out to relieve him.” With a gouty commander at the Nore, an invalid superintendent of the dockyard, and an indisposed captain of the Jao, we are in a rather unpromising t, from which we are not very efficiently extricated by the additional intelligence that the. captain declared to be “indisposed” is goimg out to Sydney to “relieve” a deceased senior officer. We do not wonder at the Greenwich pensioners having been thought of as a desirable accession to our maritime strength, and indeed looking at the age and infirmity of some of our admirals, we may regard the Greenwich pensioners as so much comparatively “young blood” "Beery con sant bs alanis Map taak ited weed forth ivery one must o hear is ready to- put: fort its “old spirit,” but we cannot help. lamenting that the “ old spirit ” has not some rather newer bodies in which to deposit it. Question or Untversat Interest.—Flow much ? Charles. Not quite—he was plucked.) Or keeps fifty pounds in olivines Bank For just three years —comes into the rank. Voting for county or borough either, | Whereas at present he claims for neither. | But here are the gri atest changes of | And those which promise us battle and brawl ees The ten pound man who a living earns Bi | Where he likes (if not in a town that returns) Has a county vote—we shall soon see whether This will fuse the antagonist classes together. | And the borough rate, 'o meet working men, ls, moreover, reduce. to six from ten. With smaller matters you needn ’t be fashed, The register’s final—freemen are smashed. Rates. and taxes need not be paid— Elion (delighted). \ always said that law thoakddemade, For, ofall the cruel, exacting things, Taxes rales— Charles. Our faney’s wi Must bear us, darling, an awiul height, Af they mean to take us from GLapstows’s sight. | Loxn- Joun’s relief, in tottle and whole, Is, “ Yon need not pay before you poll. Well, now, I trust, my Exeanor fi She ’s in foree to astonish the Bonroversarsp minds. And the t should take—or two pomts, In tela = a” te pos ae | Eilem. Ob! Coances, sing twiee for baby. (CHaRues rushes Seavath-te the auete it ao asif he were tearing at a wanted to bring shower of babies. The het eee I controversy with Baunvens whether the little a really likes augar or not, Buren forgets the duty of gratit and of attention for the future. Jor the past, | | THE RULE OF THE WORLD WITH EXCEPTIONS. A paraGrarn has been going the round of the papers having for its title, The Rulers of the World, and giving an account of the number of sovereigns, with the peculiar title of their sovereignty. From this we ascertam that there are m the world two Rajahs, one Sultan, Schah, one Ameer, and another singular animal, denominated 'Imaum. ‘The last of these living creatures would, no doubt, i ferred to the Zoological Gardens, share the publie admiration wi old friend the Hippopotamus. Few have seen a live Imaum ; Muscat could spare its head for a single London season, we that the exhibition of the Imaum would do a great deal en revenue. oo“ ‘ y the way, we ought to protest against omission of one or t individuals, within our own knowledge, who have been omitted fi this list of “rulers of the world” rather unceremoniously. We been expecting to see a letter from the Beadle of the Lowther A or his super-excellency the (six feet) High Keeper of Golden both of whom might consider themselves om am equality with Schah, and would look upon the Ameer as a mere humbug. ore i also, many a street keeper who is quite an Imanm in his own concei and who when, with the air of a Pacha, he inflicts a lick of his feels as if he were at home im his own ick. We hope, in the edition of the “ Rulers of the World,” we shall find the names of a few of those who rule in the great empire of i ot Bitte S or ti = | LU Hi GF Dae “YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LEAVE OUT POOR IRELAND?” ——— ef new measure —_ pe tndlignantiy if enthusiastic Irishman jump up in his seat, in tly i the benefit of it is to be extended to Ireland. e should not bie the least astonished, if a Bill was to be brought in for “ The Better Management and General Improvement of the Thames Tunnel,” at some wild Irishman springmg forward, inquiri i [reland was to be included in the imtended megsure? for if he should bring all his influence to bear in i!” really believe that if a Bill were pr “The ion of Soup- kitchens in the Metropolis for the Relief of the Briefless Barristers of Lincoln’s Inn,” that these Hibernian zealots would object to it, unless it could be proved that Carrickf and i far, haa non, and Kilkenny, and Sepenan aol Ww and Youghal, were | specially brought within its pryenions: We are positive they would | oppose the pulling-down of Tem: le Bar, because the removal would be no kind of advantage to Sackville Street in Dublin ! Tre Barrisa Tar’s Morro:—* Semper Hide’em,” you are sure to see an | | ' } | |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. DOVES OF ST. PETERSBURG. 1s known t ut our hopeful land that— the weather neveticion,, be sought and as in would, undoffed, approach the casque. [ 4 and words of life and charity be read therefrom im confutation of anal oe death. The Sermon on the Mount against the Ukase, issued from ' our ce! All honour and all praise to these worthy men! There is hasan Dee in their mild meek eyes : there is a sweet music in their very footfall. their pilgrims’ staves—when the men shall have resied from going to and fro upon the earth—be h aloft in Town Halls to quicken the thankful thoughts of all a‘ter-comers. worthless old iron the sword of Scanpexpee—what a buteher’s knife, the blade of a NaroLeon—to those simple staves. Well, we have news—news exclusive from our own corvéspomucnt—ef these ilgrims. reached St. Petersburg, their shoes sound, and their spirits ful. They put up at the Snowball, kept by the worthy TeeToraLorxy, to whom they carried —— missives, Having shaved themselves, th immediately’ pi to the Palace; and it was not their fanit that they did not walk straight into the very heart of the building. But a difficulty presented | itself in the form of a Grenadier of the Guard; he did not—albeit the Russians are accomplished linguists—speak nglish ; but soon gave symptoms of his perfect command of the bayonet, which he had brought within a finger’s breadth of the stomach of one of the pilgrims, undaunted, and the while desiring in in English, that he and the Grenadier of the Guard “should reason with * Now it seemed that the sentinel would, in another second, have a E one an used the prima et ultima ratio—or first and last reasoning of grenadiers—to the puncturing of our — waistcoat with whatsoever remained behind it, | but th ae though like HAETON’S, it had fallen from the sky—a carriage, the w in flame, stopped at the Palace. A man—a hero—a demigod—a Jurrren, that is a Rassian Jurrren, flung himself from the vehicle. He was striding—for he had on his seven-league , and might as well have walked from Sebastopol, where he had been incog., and whence he had for the dignity of the thing ridden—he was striding through the open , when his double-eagie eyes fell upon our Pilgrims. ho are you?” said the Czar, in the most mellifuous English that he _ learned at the breast of an English wet-nurse, long sinee ennobled, and married, | and divoreed—and married again to Muscovite princes. | “Who are you?” asked the Czar, a second time even more melodiously. Whereupon the Pilgrims took out their cards of business, and placed them in the hands of the deity of Russia. “Englishmen. I thought so,” said the Czar, with slight emotion. “Follow The grenadier of the guard immediately became as he was—even as he was —before the advent of the Pilgrims, ro withdrew his bayouet from the drab waistcoat aforesaid. > Czar moved on; and doors of malachite, with key-holes set in pare hinges of Ural were flung open; at least a hundred of them, and sti _ Pigrims—their he no more puffed up or elated than ep tee | trod native mad—still the Pilgrims followed. At length t ived i t, the walls whereof were polished steel; a cabinet lighted from the roof carbunele. Nev the souls of the Pilgrims stood erect as i their knees shrink in their small-clothes. the Czar, “aud make yourselves at home. I’m _ > En even” —and the Czar smiled with that beaut his smile for which he was so celebrated at the flower-show, in i 2 Efile UF ; : some time since, when | j¢_ ys, at . zar in the most way upon the right knee pilgrim my fae A . what can [ do? Speak Legg oes whatever it is, mention a Wiet on Te you?” as \ the Pilgrim. Very well, another time. In the meanwhile, come and se tue npr’ ”* said the Czar. fallowed the Emperor, who led them to crak eee ee See © a the doves of ——ee received and done for. ; *—said the Czar—* in token of my aspira- ions, how willingly would I send a pair of these doves to one and all of the powers maliciously leagued against me!” icmotas. I'll take a pair to her what thou hast said.” Thus ~ 1 thank you,” said the Czar; cormaly snaxmg one rupee ly the band. "but wot avllio oud bnew os bower. Wal and you shall be the bearer of the doves, Look here” —and the Czar moved a sitting dove from off her nest, and took the two e kag Date ns we were, in the hands of the Pilgrim. “ will be hatched—I know so much of doves—in a few days. Wait then, two or three weeks, and you shail take the doves in token of peace” — “ Peace at any price, friend Nicuonas?” said the Pilgrim. “Peace at any price,” answered the Czar, “to my sister Vicroxia.” And then—unseen by the Pilgrims—the Czar replaced the dove’s eggs by two bullets (he always carries them) from his waistcoat pocket; and the less Pilgrims depastea to at the Snowball until leaden eggs should be And such is and has been the policy of the Czar—to treat \for peace, the while Ais dove-like thoughts sit upon bullets. | i Summary Review. The Czar, his Court, and People. By Joux 8. Maxwens. Bentley. Tf this book bears out its title, it will supersede Dayre’s Loferno. — ————— et TT = oat = a oe “ nee al fo EE TREE RE SO ERAT a ane we

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| LL “al OU) Wa 6 z __ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON " CHARIVARI. First Cabby (whois run up against), “Now tTuex ! WHERE DID YOU PICK UP THAT OLD StrawsERRY Porrte vou-catts 2 Can?” Resand st,88 Sccoad Cabo (reioris), “Same PLACE WHERE YER FOUND THAT BIT OF OLD Rac rou calis a ’Orsz.” = “UP GUARDS, AND AT THEM!” Tue voice that spoke those fiery words Mei into fence Kare dee words are Nesta for ever—an qos Sage and fife, evi — m eS sd n take iD te unto the field of strife. ’T is long since Loudon streets have sSoRREEn Dame Stans. Shots See are grey, their blood is thin But the grey heads rise erecter, and the thin blood runs less cold, As along | the Strand to the clashing band their march the guardsmen “ Ye are young and know not warfare—its prices and its pain ; te names from household records it wipes out with bloody stain : With what pressure upon labour it sets its iron hand ; In what deep draughts it sucks-away the best est blood of the land. “ Have we not read in hist its een way gore Must we not pay, still, dey ty day, its eae amt How many a it widowed, yet in How ee en ti a opleas stil?” A|l this we feel—but fi sagas may be, There are prices worse 0 boast them free. Such as oo for sae, raat me ag Easy taxes t by crouching—or wealth ofwedknes prin wir s doxbe ns f or nm which ae we take our ! Whaat matter names in such carte? The sword he draws for Gop’s own laws who draweth S *gainst Wrong: In this oe life and Oe le still are strong! Let rulers gloze and statesmen prose, the is true, Kad qosth to the battle, snod caldio’s, fouh vith yon! Then, drums, roll loud, as when cn ye cowed ou forme’ hearts of me oa to strife, ear-piercing fife—speak trumpets, loud Shake your war-rags, emblazoned flags, till your ‘glorious names of Show added to the deathless list one deathless title more ! A DECIDED CASE. Ts is not the time of year for grea wd § a new sect has just rung up, a8 ni oe aati agra P ushrooms recent Times A Dees Christian is Mp mere: Bahan ae Gewenat Servant, in a very small Family. A good Cb The Decided Christians are qnite » novel denomination, From the above advertisement it would seem that-a good character is not a recommendation which the ‘ Decided Christians” possess. Ordimary Christians had better beware of the “ Decided.” Equity Indeed! A Sutton my Onawcery, complaining of that reformed—but still rascally—institution, says “a is will be wurprioed to hantilliat the cost of cxamiaag wiiudies tn Be diem!” . 2s International Sweets. A Confiseur, in the Rue St. Dee 4 F has j Cordial for the special use of the tah Turkey, to which he has given the name ae, Extente Conta = —_—

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= —— + Wy : ; Ly Ly Gliltitees We \ / ‘saquvoay uno ‘OOL THO NVO AGHL “AAO AM ‘ANV ‘AVTd NVO AGTHL ah i / ? ae OF / de + WA a VG a 1 "te dit 7 | : { / , 7 4 WZ wy? yh ’ fa _

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a. NOU ee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

SOME PUZZLES FOR PALMERSTON. | Patwmrstow, havi aan aymclentiny =: fo map from all is - - upon to answer not A y gverything, but es was accordingly catechised rnight as to So ot ‘fore Tumours that reached, London by the Ssbmarin bis ability to-cteiiiaponees ten aovenl @hemeeal wien ei whe, ohich rams on at a cousiderable length and lies to a marvellous extent throughout the continent. We shall not be astonished to hear that Lorp Patwenstow has been asked by some sapient Members eee pl wi edition of the Globe ui , to the ‘effect that the ounces or plore me. is ze Fe il ze i | F questions that may be patto him, we will the following as being quite within the probability sfihe cass, ftw judge by the Sey whidbiierlioe bid been che of some of the motes and queries to su l. To ask Lorn P. “whether the Government was aware that a cry of “ Police!” had beemeaised at a recent meeting in the City, and whether it was with the samotion of the Government the policeman walked imto the room? and if se, whether his doimg so was the result

| ==. — =— Turkish turban is in this country in aeeordamee with any 'reaty now in s . llth existenee; and whether, if the combined fleets should sweep the ALL FOR THE SMALL CHARGE OF ONE COPECK! Black Sea, the individual in question — @ontinue to sweep the of our own

DO AT Ate eS EN cate OA See BA ete 8

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80 THE REAL USE OF THE BEAR-SKIN CAP.—A HINT TO THE omni THE DOMESTIC REFORMER ; | OR HOW MR. PATERFAMILIAS MADE HOME HAPPY. In which Mx. Parerramitias introduces his Domestic Reform Bill, the debate on which is an incident of thrilling interest. | Ma. P. who has lately been going ¢ A a course of dietetic and | calisthenic studies, determines on introducing better ‘amily, , or Time—After Dinner. | Scenz.—The Drawing-Room. Present, all the members of the family, except the boys, who are at school, | | Mr. P. (laying down a treatise on “Diet and Regimen.”) Yes, these are considerations which must no longer be overlooked, Mrs. P. (in some alarm), My | Mr. P. Twas atta chanson: Cet 8 2 ee oe Mrs. P., on, sounder and stricter rules should be observed by the girls. rs. P. Ged gracigns My dear, Pm sure not = a than the way I have always brought th em up— “ra (sa astonishment). { What do you mean, Papa? P. I do not refer to moral principles or manners, my dears: as | to thee, 1 ms aware that your mother and myself have nothing to reproach ourselves. 1 was speaking in relation to your habits. Laura. Oh, yes! mine ’s not near long enough in the skirt, Papa— wary I have a jacket instead of a tight body Mr. P = ing his hand). 1 do not allude to your vidlap Labite, but ur habi life—your hours—your dress—your diet— Fea, W ell but, aren't they just like all other girls’ ? Mr it is this y to ordinary usages which I regret that I have so long allowed. But I have made up my mind that, im some points at least, rules more reconcilable with reason, and tices more conducive to health, shall be followed henceforth. Fe (bitterly). on Ae T always fancied that it was a daughters. meurapes ef tial it be so— —e ng Ww may abits into his| — — | EARLY CLOSING FOR THE ENEMY. Wiru Raussia’s Czar, In Freedom’s War, Alone, to battle we intend ; ’Gainst Russia’s sons We shall our guns, 4 Against our inclmation, bend. Pet Rite, Ei Ghey The wil of tha oe frat brate, What aah od The must In the great name of Goodness, shoot ! Tis our desire - a mp Fo fire 7 e Demon to eae those joke Wi Have at the Ficnd, wd All his Stow Bombard their forts, pokes With nee ip moons can tell, ype it Onur very do it well! Sh heir berm a nt up t aE eT at Tallow and hides, And furs, besides Tar, pitch, and isinglass, and oil ! phn bw flax, And kk, aol einer ik feather, | And malachite And serve em right, In short, confound them altogether. | Mrs. P. (confou . Human animals! Well, Mx. P., how ever you | can sit there and call th poor dear girls “ human animals ! ’ Mr. P. Is ook physiologically, my dear. Mrs. P. Well, you may call it what you please, but I don’t call it ls ~ like a father when you have heard what I Mrs. P., you | will see ‘that my intentions are gui by. te * object is to Yes ve the health and stamina of my ura (dolefully). Oh, but, Papa, there's suthing ‘whatever ole or with us. Emily. No, that oe snot. I’m always hungry. You should see Mrs. P se clabsber tyne gue ones tebiin alien tie, Bi ? Mr. P. Look at those girls’ feet. (Laura and Emuy hold out wonderingly a set of very neat little Sect, in very trim little slippers. thin shoe. I mean rth to insist on sae Seno What ts of feet we shall have ! soe Fe ee Tr alomaly Sianey obocking- tt ri Mr rve usly flimsy ing— ones. Laura, Oh, but, Papa! not in the house, Mae’ P. (scverels), Let your father my dears. (Bitterly.) Of course Ae knows best what is good = pee . ¢ ) | a ee er ee ny We’ >. Then look at thet cresees Can anything be more un- reasonable—to refer to this intelli he moran, waking and “Diet and Regimen”)—than to have the ing, and ening ress made of such Yer different materials, s degree mete sguen, the cold! ea | urely ’t mean we’re wear ! Ren yt es me - Emily (sadly : Jit we're to go in those musty merinos all day | "Wi. P. Shays mad tee extizhiy, shundonnd, even French corsets ? Mr. P. The quantity of bad-cietaee avant _— must be diminished. Mrs. P. (sith grim pleasantry), sapere re on the floor at once, my dear

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FURTHER ILLUSTRATION OF THE MINING DISTRICTS. First Polite Native. “Who's ’™, Brit” Second ditto. “A strancen!” Pivat ditto. “"Eave 'anv a Brick at 'o.” | THE EFFECTS OF CATHEDRALS. q . ve a F se iz ts > ; Ef that the acts, if not the deeds, of the marked exception to the majority of “ Cat Trus curious thing jt is that dishonest riation should impaied to Cathedral Clergy i f i : B E ERTAIN poor Knights of W indsor—according | to a contemporary—applied in a deputation, the other day, to Lory Patmenszon, for Royal, Authority to imspect certain docu- ments, whereunto access has been denied | them by the Dean and Canons of that ilk. The object of the Poor Knights is to ascertain | whether the rich Parsons are or are not | them annually out of the greater | part of 215,000. The documents in question | are those of the Star and Garter order of | i . Of course it is not to be pre-| sumed that the cl withhold their documents because their deeds will not bear | the light. This should not be supposed in| their particular mstance simply because it is | the fact in very many other cases. Let us | | . ! Jt looks as frandulent m the influence gh “long-drawn aisle and fretted organ .would seem to encourage an architecture of screens, one would think, 2. gm am | people - a about The chantry may be chanter, and the prebendal stall | to those which are connected with DISRAELISMS. Tue statesman is a fool who gives up to mankind what is meant for Tague tate Diss cowhide—valuable mainly from the space » ih eiatetor, aman: i deed. bo, ha & Cities Stik ie diidbiaes til , once a er couscienes should stard.fu.the way of his gobig oxt. Let me have abuse on my side, and you may have as much argument € policy is assurance. With irony man may himself a path to power, like the ig ecm any ey gay Syed ay hf " the . : very man ; thing is, in ying, must buy in the ches Fn; md than Fk a 36 1 i Ge in Two. and two may four; but that is no reason why you should sdmit it... Never pn gh Recollect, Protection was ruined from admitting corn ! No faith like that whieh a man has in his own tal maton se eo Gata somes 1, 6 i There is no harm in bribing, as, with the harm in stealing; the great harm is in being out can be visited there was no ali TiS eee a"

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 81

Mr, P. (sternly continwing). The use of cold sponge baths in the Re-enter Mus. P. and the girls. morning must be regular uninterrupted. Mrs. P. Well, I declare—so she is, poor thing—as if nothing had Laura (shiveri wra, Oh, and now she’s cackling! . Ugh! Mrs. P. ( porte AS Me P., if you expect me to allow these poor pirls 1 1 to be driven into gallopping consumptions, without so much 48 Jmily Yes; and look—she’s jamped up on to the wash-hand stand ! opening my mouth— ; — _, What can she be about? (Grand rowlade from the resuscitated Dorking. Mr. P. (int ing). It is my at once, to hire a drill- yy, p (watching eagerly). How very i ing! Ah!—yes— sergeant to put a pepe apne acon ealisthenic exercises, with she’s going, I declare ake &--spa my dear! ! Yes—she the Indian clubs . has! (Rushing up, as the Dorking j down.) See—there! (He Laura. } Papa! : seizes basin.) ef, the intelligent anal basn’t gone and laid an Emily. in the wash-hand basin ! Mr. P. (becoming more and more excited). Meanwhile, 1 shall consider | of the erection of a gymnastic apparatus in the garden. (He ae Fog in triumph. Profound and prolonged senestion,

Mrs. P. (bursting out). Had you not better put them into jackets and trousers at once, Mr. P., and eut their hair short, and send them —_——— to sea? {Mr. P. closes his Treatise with great dignity, whem an Nr WHO’D HAVE THOUGHT IT? Spraggs. Oh, please, there ’s an accident. ieea 1 following ms P. Anegeiiensl ; - astonish all but Spraggs. The long-| Dorking fowl, Mum, the white un. 1) aha $ who, like ourselves, Mr. P. Eh! the pride of the pen I bought last week at the Baker , : long ceased to feel as- Street show? Nothing has happened to that fowl, I hope ? a a tonishment at anything, and Spraggs. She’ve been and got drownded in the water-butt, Sir! a is a dish that places a calf’s Spraggs. She’s unsensible, Miss, and k can’t bring her to no- Y \ tian Qe i very appropriate how. ae : 2 ition :— : “4g Bring a ‘5 at once. ' ‘ — ae oe f J yo aia i es, now—those “Instructions for the Treatment of Persons ye yy pb ep apparently drowned.” I pasted them inside your recipe-book, Mrs, P. a a, AC Quick! Get the book, at once! We may find the same rules applicable. F 74 ene eseeer Semen Re-enter SPRaaGs, bringing in a gigen vn Dorking, in a state of suspended , y, strument is two guineas.” antmatton. / There seems Urs. P. Here’s the book. (Looking at the fowl.) Poor thing, it’s 3 Wn i ing very ov => quite dead ! \Z Ta i invention, for we have often Ur. P. Let us not conclude too hastily. (Reading rapidly). “The head nua 2 known people betray their should not be allowed to down;” hold up the head, Sir, can’t Ay #8 nO thoughts by being shock- you (fo Srrages). “Gentle friction of the epigastrium should be’ AAMNMINM eh é i i i employed.” Rub the epigastrium of the bird, Mas. P.—its crop—will you. “Hot bricks should be applied to the soles of the feet.” Ask Cook to warm some bricks instantly, Lavra; atonce! “ Hot flannels to the pit of the stomach.” Emuxy, let some flannels be heated. (All fly to execute his orders, the long-tegged Dorking being a success in ting at the avourile in the family. pes ya b mre astian, is ss Old Bag ow The s hanges Zosen only poimt of the affair to which we object is price of the imstru- _— tobe oe . ._ ment. We look upon two guineas as a great deal too hizh a pri A lapse of a quarter of an howr, during which, by superhuman exertion’ to pay for anybody's thoughts, unless they are such thoughts as t everybody concerned, the directions of the Humane Society have of PascaL, which might be worth the money; but in most cases the en carried out in practice on the body of the apparently defunct maxim of “a penny for your thoughts,” ‘whieh has long ago been Dorking. A bed has also been warmed for its reception. fixed by the old saying, is quite as much as the ts of any body Mr. P. 1 detect a slight j I’m sure I do, in the region of the are likely to be worth in these days of dull reflection. If the instrument

heart. Is the bed quite hot, Sraaces ? pendtly wind te geatienen toe, 5 ane Se eee Sees +t Si As ’ot as ’ot, Sir. Lorp Aserpeen, for the purpose of finding out what he | Mr. p Then place the bird gently in it—so. Yes, there certainly is himself im reference to his proceedings on the Turkish question. We a fluttering about the heart. Can anything else be done? What do might also ascertain whether the Empzror or Rossia really thinks the directions say further, Mas. P. ? all 1 Mrs. P. (reading). Py penn J may hw a be mack facilitated if a — Fg oe eer) bpd be he a in the ered rd but iving person be placed in contact wi wae rson soas to we trienty accompan a good su: under impart vital joven a - from the united artillery of France and England. Mr. P. Stop. Yes, there certainly is a return of circulation. “A e living person,” eh? Spraces, suppose you stripped, ami got into bed to the unfortunate fowl. RESULTS OF THE CENSUS. Sproap (with diguity). What me, Siz,staip myself! Gotobedslong-| 4 vane interesting pamphich, colled:the * Results of the Conams,”

é' { oo Se ae ww t eer upon it "Sir! bas been “ put into our hands” by a person ry hands we put Spraggs. No, Sir, not if it was as much as my place i th. No, ® haliing. hink there : - not if | was to go without a month’s warning caaanamaiie aah ” have been overlooked by the ingenious author, who will perhaps supply Mr. P. Then I will, rather than peril the fowl’s recovery. Your ‘he omiss‘on in a subsequent edition. of . master, Sir, is not above imparting to a fowl, any more than he would , Oneof the most remarkable Results the Census, was its effect on be to a fellow creature, the vital heat from his own body. the age of that beautiful production of Nature, familiarly known as (He pulls off bia coat, fiercely, the — ae The Census had, ace Ee same ny ao opera- Mre. P. (disgusted), He really is going to-do it. Well, I'm sure, PORiOm pre SB°* OF women, asia declasation of tart sis A Mr. P., the fowl ought to be much to you. Come, my dears. house as upwards of fifty, fell suddeuly to thi ght, at whieh she A lapse of another quarter of an hour. has sinee nominally remained; but no settling day has been is it likely that there will be any settling af such a, Mr. P. has carried out his heroic resolution. The Dorking has profited - edhe _ : it, has recovered the use of its legs, and i Lhing—with but = ee ee = ” Mr. P. (at door—having resumed his clothes) Mus. P.! Mas. P.'— Can we po witsout a Levy or Seaman? is a question Laura—Euuy! Come it. It’s wonderful! The fowl is pounded by “ Bruz Perea” im the iner. Perhaps not; but. perfectly restored. Come up. disk bp woking sherk, sopmantie (Danan oth da ek ae eto “likes! ooriet tecitelbe af cheerful. Come—quick ! Levr. ,

te Dag ool wie stow en 50 sauiane & Seeanee Nee |

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PUNCH, OR ' THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 83 THE THEATRE OF WAR. IT is the fashion now with rs, Mx. CuaRies Keay, Ma. Situ, and otbers, when they produce a new piece, to issue a page of reasons ; in which they state the ‘great au- thorities they have con- Invasion of Moscow we! the Tye ' at the A my wer Gt | History of the Battles of ves gently, | Hi} —~ wena upon the —_—a ns and ex-/ perce Re ave been put | im order to make it) effective and profitable. The y wren men Russian Manager of the Grand Theatre of ; A Fa upon ‘aye the eyes at present fixed, intends following the managerial le at the end of the long peace which the world has enjoyed. 1 © eapesan to mapapeniaes o> KaeD — of cil atl toads at I have only done after | . ve pid Russian tallow candles in as or t ar am ot aa Bae justified in departing from the well-known version of warfare usually at the Cirque Olympique and Astley’s. That version may be very ive in the representation, but as the killed of one battle generally figure as the conquerors of the next, and as wounds are only represented by the mimic aid of red h t tish | there were so many quarre’ ochre, whilst whole vr, 8 to Sans Dy tes of Deve Brie | Genmell aoh an soar ta aa to the sailors, or half a dozen French ¢ t plan, recommended as it may be by the successful of ears, will ore answer my Imperial e = "War ill be carried y Theatre of War wi I mean to have real killed and pre ky shall be real, bleeding, and, if —— ounds. i be nothing false about my product no false castles to be blown down like a pack of cards—no false vchipe to sink down a trapdoor — no false enthusiasm — no victories, as false as the bape Be who are paid a shilling a night to win Ist +i them, and do not mind, so long as they are paid, what side they fight upon. No! the destruction of my wars shall not be such as can be swept away afterwards by a couple of stage carpenters, but shall be terribly real in its nature, and as terribly devastating in its effects, — and otherwise ' —_ ot “ coming to this conelusion, I am guided by the examples set me ait saith path ae wal vif it wee by "th y my noble predecessors Petek THe Great and ae og who as it is, I wish they'd bring that pon were two of the grandest pater | Hay ever distinguished them- selves on the Russian Theatre of War. fil burns a eat show in The Que servants in history, and so will I; sal of tag fire still burns round the victo- rious associations of of helt nom and I wish mine to be illumined with a similar fire—only bluest blue fire that can be “No expense has been spared to give proper effect to the different seenes of the war. I am ambitiously resolved that it shall be a war | such as has never been seen on any previous theatre. It has already | cost me thousands and thousands. It may put millions, What is the consideration de a ~ hundred thousands, more or less, to one who has 56,000 millions at his disposal ? I rise| | su to such small sacrifices ! “There may be a ion as to the propriety of interfering with | the plan that for so many years has been pagensefel in Europe, far surpassing the answer is, that I was left without the choice of arms—I was driven from one engagement to another till I was compelled to act on the | defensive, and open a theatre of my own. what benefit is a, peace to me if I cannot take in it? An actor in my ition | cannot afford to remain idle. No name can be earned—no glory can be achieved—no laurels can be won to wreathe m = rial brow | unless I am actively engaged! To this Theatre of War, therefore, do | I mtend to eee ae energies—to give it the stoeieeee of every scenic effect and enum —te sovatet it to that height of success which shall enable me to crush all oo rivalry. Besides, such | idle questions ill become best answered the ly to—they are | the bod with the tote ye rte bn 6 rhe “ Danubian Prinei-| accepted | palities ” nt 0 eet coming Se 2 ney om and it is my | the ere tine oni 2 a\in the cose into the field as shall safely defy all opposition. To ensure this, | well and a iow = wereenem Palen i enough | ne, expect as successful as t one at Si other places, | in sank as . ‘Purkish three { fi intention to commence there early in the Spring, | have laid down the plan of an where all resistance i | There sig apres pee "ever was collected together, and! balla heard him, your I am adeneinel it shall be real bine fire—the | H procured ! was the w me to the = of | tol: be angry—but you are going to do it Perhaps Loup achievements of any revious war. My wil Bo very ind nak he et expan ty what th when they do begin to play, with their artillery and other instruments of tremendous execution, m earnest, I rather expect will astonish the ears of the ” “The following authorities have been consulted in the course I have a “* The Ran Mines, and the Savings Banks of Russia ;’ eg © oO ‘Pietro il Grande;’ ‘Nesselrode’s Pudding Receipt the Seven Champions of Christendom ;’ ‘ Baron Mune noth "Memoirs ;’ ‘Tom Thamb;’ ‘Malbrook s’en va-t’ a la Guerre ; of Noor apo he west Perel Pancde i s Un he Constitution’ that have been fought in the Registration Courts ; > and the Morsiag Blereld Office. “NICHOLAS THE FIRST, “ Managor of the Imperial Theatre of War.” SINGULAR SCENE AT WINDSOR CASTLE. The Queen ts transacting business with Viscount PaLMEnston. ners R. H. true Provce or Waxes in considerable excitement, and dragging in the ee loeb basa, it Te par and Plesse read ¢ Mord Pal ae (smiles and reads). “The Hon. Member said that ls between the Crown and the Duchy of rights of each, that the inhabitants did not know what to The 3 Lace OD SORTED, Do you ¢hink he could have said Lord Palmerston, 1 rather think I was in the House of Commons and al Highness, = Prince. oy ove ™ aut 7 ). Now, WARD, W fe Se War ik Ma? . Co Res Eat yell, I suppose it is The vince. I suppose so, too. “Well, and the Duchy is me, I suppose. Jeman’ The Prince, Allowing for And the man dares Ma, about rights. As if ever where are ? Po , Why, you going you were cocky.” J think The oleate Fe Re don let Was not that the word? The it was. 1 wish I knew what fellow had let it OS Wat er amon S pee eadful grievance (Lorp PatmeEnrston enters into some a ho of ¥L BR. he pony. = ISRAEL FOR THE TURK. eaplanations, the result of .’sanger, and the counter. ee ae ae VOL. XXVI. K ee SR og, Sih en ae

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STE 84 PUNCH, OR _THE LONDON CHARIVARI. sack. “Doth not the Sultan youchsafe to let the Israelite rush to battle against the Russ for the glory of the Creseent? I know, it will be said, a Sultan in need is as an eagle tangled in a net, will therefore take any help, Or rather, as own unclean goes —(and a the mire like a hog its subsistence Fo dogs will eat dirt dding.” Therefore, it be Sas beard of my mast Y that he f bears to upon the Jew. business, ian hester resson, thet he A + the unclean Hebr prodtahie uato his. It_is not so, O riding for Yorkshire. No. It is that the Turk has become even as other mixing with other men, Do we not wear coats, and—may 2 pray for us, as he wi//—sit to have our pictures painted the sun ! “Before I quitted Stamboul, the K. read by many of oe a ‘pew light, AL GHszall, | r merchant, did together believe that—h ron finer ado heed S oF see ie sr remeccrntss ope te to gather Ng Fork satins from the ones wha 4 KING BOMBA ANXIOUS TO KNOW WHAT ATTITUDE HE SHOULD ASSUME But would shoe fkings oa the Prone ye Bg Ay yore’ have i, UNDER EXISTING CIRCUMBTANCES. sul is times. le 1 man ore ie the simes Te uipee te is bors than ‘be is like his We see among the Latest Intelligence that the Kixo or Narezs| father or his mother.” An therefore, believe—O has asked odventaoe the Emrzrox of Austria, as to the attitude | that these things in the home hare not as real to the to the Mageulman’s he ought to assume under existing political circums!ances. Bless us ! | soul, as the stick to the soles of his What next? We would recommend his pious Majesty to make haste | “Vor consider it. You have a tok which you build your and et under fe bed, or crouch i vt any other obscure place as soon as pe and by our ta im ose tax, an thes for the comfort an and ssible— w ubsistence 0 ufti book a beautiful for ull men, and most like@ true Mufti—as Mufti shonld = ———[—[_—_—__——_—__ == | beto divide a cloak, a loaf, yeaa cup of water with the naked, tp (hungry, and the thirsty. It is good to sell all and gore te to — ABDALLA JALLA TO EFFENDI COBDEN. “ Nevertheless the Murri or CanTERBuRY money-merchant’s, and the Murti or Lonpon dwells in om ei “ Evvenpi,— Whereas, in your place in the Divan, sitting as you do kiosk upon the Thames, and rolls in filthy luere even as @ cross-legged riding for Yorkshire, you have spat dirt upon the Koran, | in filthy mud. and said the thing which is not of my lord and most high master, the} « ‘Awd the moral I drew from these and this is—it is not well or wise ScLtan—you must allow me to make answer to you in the words of | to think that the Turkey of to-day believes as hard, ‘har hard truths the . y mouth, which shall be shut as becomes a stranger dwelling in your | stories that were told to Islamism in its cradle, and therefore must be land, which is known to all the ends of the earth for the shortness of cruel, bigoted, and persecuting, because com: its spon h and the length of its business. more ” then it + wae or Ces to write ‘anes of wnat the bright Taleed “ Let it not surprise ou—O Effendi—that I, a Turk, and born in| of the West, the ‘ Archbishops are in poverty and the Bishops in rags, _ Constantinople—(may ALLan mend its roads for the better ambling of for they follow what is written in their book ot bah, and give all their your mule in your rext comings and goings)—that [ talk thus of the money to the poor and all their raiment to the creed of the English—namely, business. For know that when my “ And so I rest, beard was downy as a blackbird in the nest, I was sent from Stamboul ” to a certain house to learn and note the ways of men and cotton in iblis, otherwise Manchester. My mother heaped dust upon her head, and my grandfather—(my father SF eo: the Prophet)—-tore his Nicholas Scratched. beard; but the cords of gain are twisted id, and who shail resist} The reply of Nicio.as to Louis Naporzow is said to be of the them. For what says the sage? “ Will Ld gute wos create thee | coarsest kind, written with a sword’s point di 2 national tar; a double belly, or wilt thou seek Paradise with thine eyes?” “Is it| altogether not a missive to go into The Polite riter of sove- possible”—asked my grandfather, when I was about to depart upon| reigns. Napo.gon, “our uncle,” er won't to say, in conte Ay | travel—* is it posal e that the idea of an intercourse between mankind | Muscovites, “if you coly seratch a Russian you should make any impression on our understandings? The Prophet| Lovis Naprotzon, with hi is steel pen, scarcely "tickled the oo" — !” Nevertheless, | came to Manchester. the Tartar, it is understood, has ¢ come out Poasngae ta strong. Let this aie = to The pe you “ yw eet which my = poor orance 1¢ up the nglish tongue. tied at a desk ia’ Manshotber. e drunk of the Irwell, ‘and | Forget and Forgive. lo, L speak ink. ‘To business, then ; pvt which the Genii of | Saxe hands, old Surta O’Bares, Smoke call, almost without ceasing, from the tall chimney minarets, | Here ’s my paw, says the British Lion, “ Business, come to business, oh ve Faithful! There are no powers Let what ’s past be ne’er stirred ; but £ s. d., and great are their Prophets ! ” You ’re a man of your word, “In _ ur place in the Divan, you said that my people-——(whereof I | And no more fool’s trieks will try on. am “ ql ‘Toieniace soeeee 008 Raves geere, pert. a; | must follow the laws, the unalterable laws of the Koran. Alas endi and is it really so? Is there no difference between the Prophet | Woman and her Bit of Bonnet. himself and my master, Asput-Mzpsip? Is the turban a thing un-) A savace observer of female life has observed awe a changeable? Consider the fez. Are not the robes, and shawls, and! doxical as it may seem, it is nevertheless trae—the less a woman 3 trowsers of the Turk of the days of your father rolied away like the | of her bonnet, the still less she exhibits of her brains. clouds of a sunset ; and who in the morning may ask— Where are they ‘Have we not had the Tanzimat, good Turkish for Reform? f as it not been kneaded into the bread of the tender-stomached, and bas- See vans Wome tinadoed into the feet of the stiff-necked ? “THE Teka quarrel smells in = nostrils of Europe,” writes an | “Doth not Musurgus a ee his one wife to the table of the | indignant and olfactory journalist. wonder, while one party is an | Queen or Tue Isies, and—let drags be cast into the Thames, up and! Otto man, and the other a Mecky wicht Ne A its limits.)

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SWC ~ SGG BRITANNIA TAKING CARE PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI OF THE SOLDIERS’ CHILDREN. | “@OD DEFEND THE RIGHT!” Srrrrineé our English pulses out of their even beat, Flushing our English faces with an unwonted heat, From heart and tongue, of old and young, rises that high appeal, To wake a might which in the fight defieth shot and steel. From bumble homes and stately domes that cry goes through the air, With the loftiness of challenge, the lowliness of prayer. ’ Honour to him who spoke the words in the Council of the land, To find faith in old England’s heart, force in old England’s hand ! Who said that peace had eaten out the manhood from our race ? That love of gain, and fear of pain, for valour left no place ? That leave to spin and gold to win, was Englishmen’s sole prayer— Which so we got it mattered not how all besides might fare ? Back in the slanderer’s throat we fling the cold and craven words : Never of old with manlier hold our fathers clenched their swords ; Never in stour of Agimeourt, or Cressy’s desperate fight, With lustier breath, defying death, rang “ Gop defend the right !” Nay, all the more—that, oft of yore, when rose that battle cry, "Twas kingly strife that staked men’s life, nought recking “how” or “ w ed Ambition’s game of sword and flame, serfs played as sovereigns chose, | Whose right or wrong seemed weak or strong, by sheer event of blows, | ’Tis not so now ; the knee we bow, as those who, kneeling, see | That war’s event is ever bent by an all-wise decree, That we who fight for truth and right, must win, whate’er betide, For that the Gop of battles goes forth upon our side. That right is old which we uphold, and call Goo to defend ; It took its birth with new-born earth, with out-worn earth shall end ; Mis-shapen Wrong, however strong in means, in minds, in men, Before the power of Right must cower to the abyss again ! What wonder then, if Englishmen are in this faith so bold ? That each man’s hand grips to the brand his father drew of old? What wonder that, with hearts elate, our soldiers seek the fight, To the great cry—from the nation’s heart—of “Gon defend the Right!” == THE POOR SUFFERER IN ST. PETERSBURG. Bestpes being , the Exrznor or Russa is said to have been with ipela gout. The former complaint may be out of a fiery humour, and the latter to have y over exertion in the attempt to trample on Turkey, s put his foot in it. The Czar never any attention pty eg Ly east fe | may be apprehended from course © re mostly Oriental en =» great measure deprived of medicine, to him without advice, and that he and France have determined to physic force a prescription down his throat. Saying for Somerset House. {rt is a considerable—though not, perhaps, a conc!usive—objection to the proposed examinations for intment to Government ( ices that a man cannot want very much i jon to qualify himself for a mere THE LONELY MAN. No wonder that Nicnoxas is obliged to resort to 4 foreed loan. He has told so many lies that nobody will give him any credit.

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ee ere | | would be! 86 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE GIRLS THEY LEAVE BEHIND THEM. Ast after troop of brave men departs to fight the battle a itecien, the band | of the regiment plays the regulation Dowell of “ The Girl I left behind me.” This morsel of military music is| by no means of a tender or | 09 ive character, but on| contrary expresses con-| siderable exhilaration and rather high animal spirits. And if the very best of the | irls whom the soldier leaves | hind him were imbecile | tivuted by the mere human chief emotion in leaving | them might well consist in| a lively sense of deliverance. | But among the girls left} behind him by the British soldier there are some in leaving whom he leaves his better half—bone of his bone, flesh of his flesh. The remainder of that flesh and bone he may, alas ! perhaps leave on the banks of the Danube, where the fallen warrior will make a brick in our barricade against the Tyrant of the World—that For so much of him Christian burial is all that we can add ‘o Turkish funeral honours. But his moiety left here among us, we may do something for—or leave it alone. If we take the latter course it goes miserably washing and cleaning, and, in nine cases out of ten fina'ly begging, or into the workhouse. at will be the ordinary and a lot 9 the girl whom the soldier leaves behind him in the person of his wife. It is therefore to be hoped that “ A Nava Orricer,” writing in the Times, will not vainly have calied attention to the position in which the wives of soldiers will be placed by the departure of their husbands on foreign service for the defence of Europe and mankind against the enemy Nicwotas. As to the soldier’s pay, he half starves upon it himself, and after his semi-starvation there remains not the value of a crumb to be handed over to his wife and rs children. The girl— and, maybe, the little girls and boys—left behind by him have surely a claim superior to that of the mate and progeny of the lazy clown and the sottish and improvident mechanic. fi is just that relief should be dealt out to them with no parochial hand, but with a palm a little wider open than that of the relieving officer, and in a spirit of consideration somewhat more kindly than the beadle’s. Slashing away at the foes of England—who can slash in return, to some extent—is the soldier to feel that his wife, neglected by that England, is making abortive attempts to earn a miserable subsistence by mangling linen? In the approaching conflict with the Power of European Darkness, our soldiers will not disgrace their country by faintheartedness at the thought of the girls they left behind them. Let not the country disgrace itself by only thinking of those girls ! A RATIONAL JEW BILL. . Last week’s Parliamentary intelligence includes the statement at— “Mz. H. Davwmowp presented a petition froma place in Surrey, praying for the restoration of the Jews to the Holy Land.” The only reason that can well be imagined why the inhabitants of any place in Surrey should wish the Jews restored to the Holy Land by Act of Parliament, is the existence, in their = too many of | the children of Israel in their own neighbourhood. ere are Bas in the vicinity of the Victoria and Surrey Theatres where the Jewish community is perhaps more numerous than res ble ; but to remove the principal population of the New Cut, for instance, to Palestine by a legislative decree, would be a proceeding of tyranny tantamount to treading in the hoof-prints of the Empgror Nicnotas. It may be suspected that those who want a bill for the deportation of the Jews, desure by that illiberal measure to counteract other bills operating to the Jews’ advantage against themselves ; and that they would not care a button for the restoration of the Hebrews to Jerusalem if they could only see them at Jericho, _A Russian Ovrtsreak.— The papers say that the Emperor Nicworas has had a breaking out on his face. To us it has long been obvious that he is rash all over. cooks and other females cap- | BEGGING BISHOPS. Ir is a melancholy fact, but a fact nevertheless, that the Arcu- BisHors oF CanTeRBury and York, and the Bisnor or Lowpon are reduced to beggary. We have before us, at the present moment, three begging letters, signed respectively, J. B, Cawtuan, P. Exon, and C. j. Lowpoy. It is not, however, for themselves that the exalted prelates have exercised the calling of the mendicant. Happily the palaces of Lambeth, York, and Fal are still “above want,” - at all a Ye well founded as to spare the humiliation of “ asking or more” on the part of their respective its. The two Archbishops and the Bisuor of a have, neverthe- less, commenced pushing about the begging box, or sending round the hat with considerable , on the — of “the poorer clergy ” with whose “hardships and difficulties,” they tell each other, they have a “ well-known sympathy.” C, J. Lowpon in writing to P. Exor, gue with decent horror of the “ greatl increased number of poor clergy- | men,” and sets forth statistically the uncomfortable fact, that “there | are about 4818 stipendary curates, and 1354 ineumbents not having figure in a red coat, his| more than £200 per annum. One might hope, that as the occupants of the various Episcopal laces are aware of this dismal state of things ne poorer yrethren in the Ministry,” as ©. J. Lowpon fraternally designates the clerical victims of poverty—one might hope, that under these circum- stances the Bishops would be ap to each other to make certain sacrifices of luxury pomp or the relief of the necessities of the “poorer brethren.” We are, however, doomed to be di inted ; for the Archbishops only write to the Suffragan Bishops, with structions |to touch up the Members of the Church in General, for the benefit of certain schools, and accordingly the Hono Secretary has commenced stirring up the public with a shower of circulars, asking everybody whose pene in the Blue Book or Court Guide may favour the idea of his having a shilling to spare for his “kind assistance.” For our own parts, while thoroughly approving the prineiple of providing better for the poor clergy, we cannot help thinking that a little better approach to the equalisation of the incomes of all the “ brethren in the mmistry” would be the most satisfactory mode of dealing with a difficulty which has turned two Archbishops and the Bisnor or Lonpon into bezging letter writers—a vocation that is not much to be envied or commended, however excellent the motive of the mendicants. THE WORK OF THE PEACE SOCIETY. Ir ever we get out of the present European scrape—as we hope we shall live to - and perhaps even with a few shillings in our pockets, some of us—in order that we may not so readily get into another, a combination must be formed for the pu e of doing the very reverse of what has been done by the Peace y. Nuicwoxas evidently mistook the bleating of that association of lambs for the voice of the nation, and presumed thereon. Now the British Lion is roaring too late. We - oe in = : = = 4 ome must be to institute a War Confederacy, which s periodical meetings whereat violent harangues shal] be delivered, and resolutions passed, and subscriptions entered into, for the purpose of promoting the settle- ment of international questions by. eypete to arms. It further issue tracts inculcating the princip es of combativeness, communi- cating knowledge of the arts of destruction, and e sy Bag pro- ae of perseverance in singing “ Rule Britannia.” , by a moderate serve the cause of universal brotherhood and ; we shall secure ourselves from that sort of molestation which a saga- cinme dog, by occasional growling, exempts himself from on the part of ies. isplay of quarrelsomeness and ferocity, we shall really AN OFFICER AND (NOT) A GENTLEMAN. We were lately puzzled by the announcement, that among the City officials there is a P mena + ir ndinnen a Water Bailiff, and a Yeoman of the Water Side. It has since occurred to our recollection that these offices are peculiarly appropriate to the city, where the abun- dance of “ Stags” must furnish constant occupation to the Common Huntsman; while the Water Bailiff and Yeoman of the Water Side, may be fully employed in looking after the “loose fish” with which the City swarms. Advice to Smith O’Brien. Suita O’Brren is about to receive a free pardon. it; and hope he will collapse into a quiet Irish landlord. ‘ - ever, PrrHacoras commanded his disciples to forbear from beans, 20, does Punch advise Sutra O’ Baten never again to go , among cabbages. We are glad of As, how | } | |

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Lord John Russell,

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PUNCH, OR THE _ LONDON CHARIVARI. SHEFFIELD TO THE SULTAN. T is said that the Cut- lers’ Company — in admiration of ABDUL Meps1D—propose to present him with a noble taste of the quality of Sheffield |m ware, in the shape of a ifi- cent scimetar, of sur- passi temper and |i marvellous _ (somewhat by the way like to the fcrs| tude of Sheffield’ i richly handled, and bearing | you on its blade a short rtinent inscription. it is the well known | dev custom of Asiatics to | have verses of the Koran inseribed on their poams and the Cutlers’ | Company will, in a degree, follow the practice, by ‘imscribing on the Sultan’s a's Shefleld bl blade a few words that—in his war against Kussia— shall at once embody an exhortation and an imitation: these words being in the largest Saxon— “Cut and Come Again.” THE DOMESTIC REFORMER ; OR, HOW MR. PATERFAMILIAS MADE HOME HAPPY. Mr. P. carries out his Domestic Reform Bill in his own person and that of his daughters. Revolt of Mus. P. Scenzg.—The School-Room. The young ladies in their high frocks, lambswool stockings, and stout shoes, are laboriously and ruefully pursuing health, grace, and activity by the aid of the Indian Clubs, | under the auiaien of Corporat Rowpmow of the Coldstreams, . That ’ll do for you, Miss, for a bit. iss, if youre rested, we ll go on agin, has dropped her club, ‘lengeilly resumes it, Corporal (to Miss Emtiy (To Miss Lavra). And now, 18s Lavra, who al (suiting the action to the word), Rise vs harms gently at ht hangls to the body, at the same time gradally bringing the clubs cients Right ae es a little upperer, Miss, till the clubs is ht perpindiclar and parillel over the ’ead, then bring the hands = - down agm. (Miss Laura lets her hands, clubs and ail, down the wm, e the most abrupt manner.) Olio! Miss—that won’t do. Laura, Oh, 1 really can’t keep up the horrid things—it’s no use. Emily. ‘ m sure my arms ache as if the ’d drop off. Corporal. Oh, that ‘Il wear off, Miss, bless yer! In a week you'll knock ’em about like nine-pins. Laura. Ina week! Oh! I’m sure I can never stand a week of it, Eminy. Emily. No more = IL. Laura. Let’s tell P apa, do Pui. Ob, but he Il so angry. Let ’s tell Ma. Laura. Oh, here ’s Papa coming. (They hastily reswne their clubs, The Conronat, recommences his “* extension Movements.” Enter Mx. P. cheerfully, with his Bsr and upper lip in a most stubbly P- (henfull). wee Corer, Deen = you maki werry ti y. in course the yo er. ard at his rv. P. Remember, my dears, that Miro, the great wrestler of by earryit a calf on his shoulders, ended in an ox without the least inconvenience. Yes, Pa! But if you only knew how stiff we feel— Fmily, And in these id thick shoes, too, Pa Laura. And these heavy high frocks— Mr. P. My dear, upon it, the change is for your good—and a few months more will quite reconcile you to it. But don’t let me | interrupt ee Corporal. bes Sir, I think we was about falling out for to-day, Sir. yes, I’m sure we’ve been more than an hour. Enter Mrs. P., considerably excited. [Corporat salutes, and exit. Mrs. P. he wale ae ‘ou would speak to Cook, Mr. P.—(suddenly observing the state of his beard beard)—bat good gracious, Ma. P., why you *re never LA in that state, en shave savin a he at eaiject uman hair, of shaving, as s hitherto fellowed a mischievous ae and spt "Mes B . Give up shaving! P. T have written to the Times in defence of the step I am about » hie. P. Fon ike Jew,» rencma But you don’t mean Frenchman, or a picture, with a call if a oe potas ee y ie fren (Calmly.) But 1 shall easing whic you in the streets. | erg some ae nasty foreigner. I t given to us to be shaved off, teeth from tooth-ache, the throat from | wi Ce scantenmnpe— ‘As if your face— | She pauses. Mrs. Digg i yours is deficient in ex- pression which inspires respect, but the hennd certainly increases the | majesty of the human face— rs. P. But have you considered the trouble of keeping it clean; and then it will alwa: ways be getting into your tea at breakfast, and into | your mage at dinner ; and, no—I declare, Mn. P., I will not bear it. Mr. P. 1 tell you, "Mas. P., I have maturely weighed the advantages | and disadv I am determined to persevere until my efforts are crowned with a beard. wr imily. Oh ‘- have it died black, Pa. Mrs, P. Oh! now really— Enter Svnaces, with a hat-bos, Spraggs. From the ’atter’s, Sir. (Mn. P., opening the hat-box, takes out a broad-leafed felt hat. Mrs, P. And what on earth is that for? You are surely never going ° ites Ps (puting ov te brow oF pate the broad-leafed felt with dignity), This is the | eational ba at! Oh, did mee nat et ee thin I really wonder, urself—before the girls, though, to be sure, now you’ve made pam objects of them, poor 24 Fe ssi he nt uP you have any argument to offer e ae? Oh to meet it ; but. mere vituperation, of course— ie est one weg ft maya the discomfort is wt 2 ur wri to the Times, and g the poor g. gr Senger ruin i | aa giving them a Peomplaints with t wasn’t enough, but you must go and make an object of ‘ot yoursell and stock, with Jiao and your rational hat, Sic nonsense. Ma. P., I've borne it til oan bear it na longer, and if you —aeen no res for yourself and your family, I’m sure my ° | im thie wey, end aa se 8 pane Gapeyled ap foot in way, these poor too, 1’m sure it’s to tear a mother’s heart to see ’em. , having qmensed » Uae Jrom the first shock of aa tirade, attempts ‘to speak.) No, Mn. P., don’t — to talk to P ation 0 als kes ee, my dear. rs, P. Reason ? from a man at your time of life in a hat like that ! But, it won't be for long, that’s one or $s BO, my (To Lavma wo he , who are beginning to w and perhaps when I’m dead Laura, gee eases Don’t please. Oh, Emily, § Pa, oh! (The Miss P.’s throw themselves into the arms heir mother—a pee oe Mn. P. stands irresolute his marital and his adherence to the natural respi- i hat. Scene closes,

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* 48 eo ‘ ee ree : a a ceil * Seite tpt vt cooler cena ante Be be ea " ul 4 wminatlncnsls Jeguilaieeat aaa : PUN ‘CH, ‘OR ‘THE LONDON CHARIVARL a OU 8 at a i) hy nl/ = il 2 ‘f i hi b { Indignant Master of Hounds, “ Now, you Six! wisp tHe Hounp! He’s worts rorty times as MucH as YOUR Horse.” ~-— + = REASONS FOR BEING PRESENTED AT COURT. Menge loyalty may be a sufficient inducement with many persons to be presented at Court, and indeed it requires a pretty supply of that amiable feeling to reconcile sensible-mi persons to a pair of footman’s breeches, a coat and waistcoat familiarly known to play-goers as the orthodox dress of Noodle in Tom Thumb—a bag wig which never on the head, a cocked hat that never remains on head if you | pe ity by ,. there, a danng betwen 3 is _ to nothing but your own | clenity prabee por J ween your a of enormous 8 yard or two of lace borrowed from your wife’s habit =p ve mat — be very loyal indeed who submits to such mas- quaets yt ee & to the Quezy, or it may happen that he does Sy) od ‘the respectable motive of seeing his own name in the ~*~ looking —, aaa the recent list we find some of the ostensible reasons given by the Court newsman for certain presentations at Court to be rather unsatisfactory, and we instance the following in proof of our statement. First we find— Pp * Buse, on being allowed by Royal License to take the name of Bua instead of AUREL. Now there isn’t at any time much in a name, but if we may be — a preference, we e should paren prefer Launet to Bess, and if we wished to be handed down ity in the Court Circular, we had much rather that imstead of mg thrust into the public eye as Bsn, our fame should be by ane with LauRet. The next presentation which strikes us as rather remarkable in the | reason assigned for it, is that of “The East or Peata awp Metrorp, on festoration.” We should like to know in what ~~ the Earl hag been “ restored,” lpidated pcre, 7 term usuall ae ; he . 1S Seee — idated pictures, t ave m burnt down, and pro that pe yo —- mt the a has been restored to his tit he ice, Or Pa he has been simply restored to | atrocities. We would not articles for their country’s harm, we would export themselves for t the | country’s op any price that any customer would pay for such | contempti + vey tight be one for congratulation. But when we are teal informed that he has been presented “on restoration,” we are left in a per lexi ambiguity as to what may oes hes his | pest fate Gos or Sue quattaeia bong Goan cemented “en'thele | or two gentlemen have ‘on marriage,” and it is probable that a man after he is married, may not only have his | shirt a is a but that he may hes ey whole | more tidy, consequentiy more presentab ve gone to St. James’s on the ground of having “obtained a commission,” and it is certainly a es achievement, notwithstanding the small drawback of having been ee to pay a pretty =f: gf oped for - Nevertheless, we cannot he reasons assi | tions at Court, as on the w - —— a EXPORTS FOR THE ENEMY. To sa that a man ought to be hanged, is general! to use a of s , ut if any ove erime deserves the gallows is that of bs to t enemy the means of destro ing our own soldiers. ¢ apenny to say that a quantity of gunpowder mtended for this Cr ae Sesteen nino’ Oe but we are glad toadd that the quantity so seized was — large, and we sincerely hope the loss has ruined the owners. It would be difficult to conceive any punishment too bad for are capable of turning a penny out of a oz oo to —— their countrymen, if the te pence of ot avening =» a sre = creat _— to abandon the princi av iy vithat seh ello: se ly Pays be eviscerated, of grilled & ort ee thete 4 integuments in a state of consciousness—or even subsequent! to decease. But we would serve them conversely as they serve the nation; and since they ex ? le slaves. | Consideration on the Oaths Bill. Tux Jews may be a distinct nation; but they do nevertheless take a great interest in the Commonwealth. that i were only the interest of the Three-per-Cents, it would be something, but the interest they take is generally very, very mach higher than that.

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t has horns—but where’s the tail ? Wuzz, wizz, wizz, wizz, wuzz, bum ! j iieaew gate st the ond of uy nall— But I cannot get it under my thumb! You lie, you lie, you lie, lie, lie! I'll stamp the whole world under, Bring me my boots—and now let fly! Hold! Stop! Just wait till by: A And then you'll hear my thunder ! Take out the spurs, to prime them well, Ram both of ’em full of shot and shell, We crept on the Moslem im a fog, They say old Nick is a cuitiming Biss ere—look !—see !—there the ron hies— Hush !— Now I'll bet a -war To a transport, that I catch those flies— ay '—gently nay 2 '—No Lone ie ! 1€ guns must be brought to r— Load allt the Paixhans—here’s a pair !— The cannon’s mouth cracks joke ou joke— Who was that langhing down below ? Ha! how the wretch s writhe and sprawl ! It does one good to see ’em What’s that ?—for merey did you call ?— By no means !—massacre them all ! And now let us sing 7¢ Deum. The carrion-crow has a lovely voice ; And the vulture and cormorant screamed “ Rejoice | ” den dhoaeches -ed were crying, In the flaming hulks ofrring, Whilst T i fort lying. Singe ’em, roast ’em, scorch ’em, burn ’em ! Non confundar in eternum / That li ne did the organ play ? es rough my head Wd the eptdes onal ios oa I earwigs, too, y, That are i in my bed! "* Beat off the and ish dogs gh! those frightful toads and frogs ! SERMONS IN STONES; OR, THE MEETING OF THE STATUES. me, astoni iceman on night dut, noting these Sey om th Wer te ihe tw y In possession 0! t urs polychromatism can bestow. sd my forbear ; The ruddinesa upon my li Te; state You ll mar it, if you kiss It; stain your own With oily painting.” etropolitan statues are as solitary as milestones, how smasatty ben supetan inion, it ee eali purpose of | But, as most of the M

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4 PUNCH, OR THE LONDO a pace up the City Road as to make it clear that the phrase of “ Going it like bricks ” ought, henceforth, to be suverseded as an illustration of extreme swiftness by'that of “ Going it like marbles.” Caries THE Frast had the lead, the superior y Bede of his horse giving him a decided advantage over the reedy, groggy, ewe-necked, stiff-kneed brutes on which his companions were mounted. His riding was much admired, as he used no stirrups and rode entirely from the knee; but poor Groner Tur Tu1ap was left a long way behind, and came plunging along, his pigtail vibrating with the violence of the butter and eggs trot peculiar to the “Berkshire farmer.” The statue of his son and successor, which is of a rollicking disposition, greatly alarmed the quiet inhabitants of Artillery Place by shouting out the well-known lines from Buregr’s “ Leonora.” “Tramp! Tramp! we ride along the shore, Tramp! Tramp! along the sea, Hurrah! We statues ride apace, Dost fear to ride with me?” The meeting having assembled it was facetiously remarked by several statues at once, that as Sir Joseru Banks, from the British Museum, was already in the chair, he had better keep it, and the worthy knight having entreated that he might not be compelled to speak standing, proceeded to explain the purpose for which the meeting had been called. “They had all heard,” he said, “that it was in contemplation to colour statues, in the hope that the use of flesh tints would give to the marble the glow and warmth of the human form. At present it was only proposed to subject the nude antiques to this treatment, but it must be evident to them all that a. white marble coat, with breeches, stockings, and pumps to match, stood in quite as great need of colour as the face or the figure. It was impossible to be content with the use of flesh tints, as it would be simply ridiculous to colour Gzorer | tux Turrp’s face, without at the same time giving to his venerable pistall that dash of powder which it had wanted for so many years. le would not detam the meeting longer, but would conclude by expressing a hope that the painter’s brush would soon endow him with a oan -CO caiea coat, nankeen breeches, a canary waistcoat embroidered with lace, white stockings, and shoes with buckles: a neat and elegant costume which he had worn during life, and which he much preferred to his present dress, which was fit only for a miller.” Acniies from Hyde Park then came forward and moved the first resolution, thus :— “ Sorely it grieveth my soul, O my friends, thus to stand up before you, Blackened with soot and with smoke from this highly fuliginous city, Liker to Memnow I seem than to him whom the white-footed Tuetis Bare unto Petevs the Old, nor would Tuetis remember her offspring. Therefore 1 hail with delight the proposal to paint me, believing That he whom ney paint must each year, or more often, be washed or re-painted. Thus shall I cease to be like unto Tuomas, that just Ethiopian : N CHARIVARI. AcuiLies ceased, and Dr. Jounsoy, from St. Paul’s, stepping for- ward to second the resolution, said :— “Man is so far the slave of form and custom, that he can have no idea of the appearance of his fellow man apart from the accessories of dress, nor can he ~ ag the general, the monarch, or the author, from | the uniform, the robes, or the rags, with which fashion or fate have covered them. Were you able to transfer to the canvas or the marble the exact lineaments of PLato’s face, you could not expect the .philo- sopher to be recognised if you adorned his figure with the theatrical habiliments of Josern Gnrimatpt; nor would the features of my revered monarch (here Gzonce THE Tutap bowed) be known for his own under the helmet of Ricnarnp tas Lionneartep. And it must be evident to all who have studied the of history, that I cannot convey by any means a correet in of the man whom I am intended to represent. The coat unconscious of a brush, the breeches | too sparingly endowed with buttons, the linen unsparingly besprinkled with snuff, and many other well-known characteristics of the man, are wanting in me, and | sigh for the time when the painter shall endow me with those peculiarities, without which I ean only dective the ignorant and disappoint the wise.” It was next moved by the statue of Actaon, from the Museum, and seconded by Cuantes tne Frast, that in the development of the new plan the colouring of all dogs and horses should be confided to Six Epwiy Lanpsger and to no other artist. A slight disturbance was created by the Boy with the Basket, from Pannier Alley, who had | anderstood that azure was the colour chiefly employed in decorating works of his class, and who thought that the new process would there- fore change a bas-relief into a bas blew. Several of the statues having expressed a wish to know how t would look when painted, the chairman begged to introduce to the meeting, Goe and 1 Maeoe, a variety of Highlanders from snuff shops, a one or two highly polished Black Boys from Ratcliffe Highway, and the meeting, after expressing much satisfaction at the pleasing prospect thus held out to them, cheered the chairman, and separated. A Flash in the Hebrew Pan. Ow Wednesday, Mr. Henry DaumMonp presented a petition from a Mr. Fuiasumay, of Dover, “praying Her Majesty’s Ministers to take immediate measures for restoring the Jews to their own land.” What does this mean? We always understood that the Jews were the great types and patrons of the class called flash men. Has there been a falling out? Are honest men likely to come by their own? We pause for a reply. A Motion of Course. Wuen Patmerston begins to speak, He moves the House—as facts can prove, Let Unquuart rise with accents we The House itself begins to move. A Settler for Settlement. Tue announcement of Mr. Barves that he proposes to abolish settlement has been hailed with general applause ; and it is allowed, that the labouring classes especially will owe to one of the greatest Barnes one of the greatest blessings. KALAPAT AT ANY PRICE. * says Prince Gortscuakor?r. “T must take Kalafat at any price,” |“ Tt will cost me a number of men; but, alafat at any price.” At least, he may make the attempt very cheap; the price-cost no more ' Therefore | move that the project be quickly embraced by the meeting.” | than that of a good piece of Russian towelling.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 95

"" “ COMMON THINGS.” THE MACBETH MUSEUM. | | | Futy agreeing with Lorp Asusurton and the 7imes that a| Ta Morning Chronicle, which appears to keep a correspondent in knowledge of «“ common things” is now uncommonly desirable, we every benighted and uncivilised place in the wor ’ has just published | benevolently intend devoting to the subject an inch or two of our & letter from Scotland, in which it is stated, that always “valuable space.” own experience has long since taught) “ Excavations were made in the course of last week at the ou Sete Beseente | us, and that of any “oldest inhabitant” will, we think, confirm the out at Dunsinane, in Perthehive; after rom ome three fest, « wall 7 _ was discove com 0! her, and resting on the jesson, that : wae dissovered, comspened of Sango stense | Tiscovent ; Ge taven: It is p sganes thing for the y= crap of B Dinten canting ws tigations will be proceeded with.” assert th can put you down “within an ‘underd yards or so” of; We are happy to state that Scotch persévéfatice was rewarded, and your residence at Bayswater. ___| that, after some days digging, the following articles, in tolerable It is a common thing for those who purchase at a draper’s r selling preservation, were found. off,” to find that they themselves «re included in the selling. The rattle and coral of the baby Lady Macteth speaks of, as one It is a common thing for “ sporting cards” to turn up knaves when to which she had been a good deal attached and did not bring up a deal with a non f 0a, °7 . t is a comtion thing when you see an “‘original’’ farce annourced,| “The let Macheth . Ghost—rim a good des to find by the papers it “ adapted from the French.” indent es the ok Fo we het pd — . jan It is a common thing for tax-coflectors to learn when they call on hit) The pedigree of “ Mark, King of 9 mentioned early in the that “master’s just stepped out.” and hitherto supposed to have & fabulous sovereign. [t is a common thing when you are asked to go shopping with yotit ring Duncan sent to Lady Macheth ag & small token of respect wife, to find that she puts on her very oldest bonnet. _ | and esteem for her cookery, Note—This present did not prevent the [t is a common thing for gentlemen who don’t feel well after a wine |ady from causing the goose 16 be added to the articles cooked party, to attribute their nausea entirely to the nuts. that day, but as the in the ring appear to be only Scotch pebbles, It is a common thing for cabmen to drive you circuitously, alleging there is some excuse for Ay F as a reason that the “streets are up.” o's The bell her Ladyship strtiék when her husbitfid’s drink was ready. It is a common thing for Cockney yachtsmen, when yielding to the |t is slightly cracked, but, as she mentions that she had also mixed for elements, to assert that they never felt better in their lives. herself she probably struck hard, in the excitement of the moment. It isa common thing for men who “won't detain you five minutes ” It is delig¢ht ul to see tical prescience corroborated by phy sical facts to hold you by the button-hole for upwards of an hour. Several bottles of ‘des ysic which, by order of Macbeth, was thrown It is a common thing for “real Norfolk sausages” to be manufac- to the dogs. As the skeletons of some canine victims were found near tured in Whitechapel. _ ; the spot, it is probable that the Doctor was the Moruison of his day, And it is a common thing on your returning suddenly from town, to and that it was as well that the Macheth family did not take bis find nothing in the house but a picked bone and a policeman. medicines. | The number of the Sun blished om the last day of the siege of | Dunsinane Castle. The dullness of its contents (this was some years ago, and the journal has vastly improved since), perfectly justifies | Macbeth’ s observation, that he “ began to be aweary” of the publication | in question. Other relies will probably turn up. Meantime the Managers of the London Theatres are on the gui rive to secure the above articles for a revival of the play. In the hopes of obtaining them, Mn. Cuar.es Kan is already writing a learned and voluminous fly-leaf to his play bill, while the Yankee Gentleman, who spoiled the Corsican Brothers for Drury Lane, is composing a beautiful scene between Lady Macheth, her baby, and the nurse- ~another, introducing King Mark—and a third, in which Lady Macbeth exultingly brews the grog for her husband,

with which and other American additions the play will last until a | quarter to three in the morning. We shal! duly announce the successful competitor for the Macsetu Museum. ONE OF THE KNAVES OF THE CHUROII. We should recommend the reader to put everything fragile out of | his way, to protect it against the violence of the outburst of indignation which we think must attend y= of the following advertisement | whieh appeared recently in the Zimes :— TO SOLICITORS AND GUARDIANS.—20 per cent. commission on the half-yearly account, as long as the pupil remains, will be given by a clergyman near London, and receiving a limited number of YOUNG GENTLEMEN, who are treated with every possible kindness. Terms 60 guiness per annum, besides extras. No objection to lower terms ; but in that case the rate of commission would be «malier. An Articled Pupil Wanted. Apply by letter, with real name and address to A. is.( care of, &e. So, here is a clergyman holding out a bait to solicitors and guardians a —_* a | to join in a scheme to obtain money under the false pretence that he Cabby. “ What is it as is meant by ‘ Common Things; as the Nobs is all 1.8 made a fair charge for receiving a pupil, and the solicitor o1 | for teachin’ of us now 1” guardian is to obtain money under the false pretence that the sum | | Waterman. “ Why they tell me its Cabbiography and Bussiology, and all paid is the amount required to obtain the advantage of the clergyman's | such things as belong to Civil Conveyancing.” uition. One would be curious to sec the sort of moral teaching that | prevails in the establishment of the clergyman who has actually a new

esbur | have the credit of being at the bottom of at least one half of all the ; Sa gets _ ngage | rascality in Christendom. When a clergyman proposes to suggest a Ir is said that Nictotas—who has some talent for melodrama, | new dodge to an attorney, we are reminded of the fabled effort of a | which comes out during his paroxysms—delivered himself, on ‘aking | grandson to give instruction to his grandmother in the art of sucking | leave of the —— of the following speech :—“ You have shaken the| eggs, Here, how M hand of the PEROR OF Russia, but you have not shaken his reso-| son of the Church teaching the attorney or agent of the grandfather the fist and a stamp on the floor, the Autocrat made his exit.

wrinkle to propose to the members of a profession who, pais or not, | } ever, we have even a stronger case, for we find a | lution!” With these words, which were aceompanied by a flourish of | of lies how to suck the estate of an heir, or the pocket of a parent. }

Tue Imrentat Brep Fancren.—The hobby of the Emprnon Tae Taurn orres Lurxs wx A Panavox.—Any fool can make} Nicnoxas consists in flying kites and feeding crows—both chiefly at money, but it requires a clever man to spend it. | the expense of his own subjects. — ae —-

VOL, XXEVI. L -~ = = x . < — ee i ee ee ae oe Ee ne a Se

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PREPARATIONS FOR WAR. DELIGHT OF ONE OF OUR GUARDS NOW HE FEELS THAT THE COUNTRY WILL PROTECT “Tue GiRL HE LEAVES BEHIND Hi.” THE VALUE OF A GENTLEMAN. Ir the Admirable Crtcutoy were to throw himself on the market in the present day, we fear that he would prove to be in very little demand, at a very low figure. The attributes of Craicnton were never of the most negotiable kind, and though we have been assured that “every man has his price,” we fear the price of mere accomplishments would be wretchedly low, when the business qualities of the human machine are estimated at the paltry sum set forth in the following advertisement : AW.—WANTED in a London Office, A GENTLEMAN possessing a 4 thorough knowledge of Common Law according to the present practice, a general knowledge of Chancery proceedings, a facility in Correspondence, and general steadi- ness and industry. The Salary is proposed to commence at £80 a year, to increase aceording to application and ability. A Bond with Two Sureties to the amount of £500 will be required as Security. Address to X. L. &c. To sum up the qualifications required by this advertisement, we find that for £80 a year, the advertiser expects a BrovucHam’s knowledge of Common Law, a Kyicut~Bruce’s familiarity with Chancery, a CuesTerrreLp’s adroitness at letter-writing, and a WuittinGton’s steadiness and industry. Besides all these qualities there must be added, in a minor degree, the responsibility of a Roruscurp, inasmuch as security to a large amount will be required. It is true there is a vague prospect of an increase to the proposed remuneration, but as this will y hse on “application and ability,” and as the maximum of both these attributes is expected on taking the situation, we do not see how there can be room for any additional “application and ability” on which to found a hope of additional salary. The best we can hope for the advertiser in this instance is, that he may be inundated with applicants professing to do all that is desired for the sum proposed, and that the party selected may very speedily do rather more than he bargains for, by doing the principal ; who will thus be made to purchase a knowledge of the fact, that liberality is after all the wisest economy. ‘ Munitions of War. We have often heard it stated, in the fervid oratory of the hustings, that the elective franchise is the bulwark of the State. If this be | really so, we are sure our timid readers will be glad to learn, that by his New Reform Bill, Lonp Joun Russe.t proposes to fortify this bulwark with some additional ten-pounders. Net Prorit.—A fisherman’s, 96 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. a LLL AE A eet LOCKSMITHS AT LOGGERHEADS. A Coxtroversy—by means of advertisement in the Zimes—has been for some time going on between certain rival locksmiths; the question wherein appears to be, whether they have or have not succeeded in picking one another’s locks. The species of dexterity for the palm of which these parties have been contending, is one that most people, perhaps, would rather rejoice in the silent consciousness of, than be so- | licitous to obtain for it an amount of notoriety, not exactly identical with reputation. It might also be ex that such a discussion would be | conducted on either side with the calmness of | philosophers who have rendered themselves ex- | pert in thieves’ tricks for the purpose of baffling | thieves. On the contrary, however, it is carried | on with extreme acrimony and animosity, accom- panied by reci imputations of unfairness | and frand. Why cannot these ingenious gentle- | men pick the locks one of another without also picking holes in each other’s coats? Their pre- sumably common object, the advertisement of their respective articles, would be better pro- moted if they could manage to divest their arguments on both sides of personalities cal- | culated to suggest a doubt how far either can be depended upon. Popular Pressgang: T1ME-HONOURED custom, and respect for pre- rogative, forbid that the impressment of seamen should be done away with. No. Continue the system of impressing the British Sailor—but commit it entirely to the Public Press. = - — — CULLEN ON CAPERS. Tue progress which Popery has been making in the exclusive circles, will probably sustain a severe check from the publication of the following extract from Ancnsisuor CuLren’s “ Lenten Pastoral, which, according to the Times, was read at all the chapels in Dublin, on the Sunday before last :— “Never engage in those improper dances imported from other countries, and retaining foreign names, such as polkas and waltzes, which are so repugeant to the notions of strict Christian morality, are condemned by many of the highest and most respectable members of society, and are at direct variance with that purity and modesty of the female character for which Ireland has ever been distinguished.” The Protestant Association should get a few thousand copies of the above extract printed, and distribute them in Belgravia. If the superior classes—who have always been accustomed to regard Popery as a religion of taste and elegance—can be made aware that it con- demns la danse, they will be much more effectually disgusted with it than they ever will by being informed that it condemned Latimer and Riptey. Instead of telling them that it excommunicated Queen Exizanetn, let them know that it anathematises CeLarivs, if you want to convince them that it isa “horrid” religion. Teach them that it not only enjoins occasional abstinence from meat (which may improve the complexion), but also prescribes perpetual fasting from the Schottische, and the Redowa, and the Valse & deux Temps. By the very mouth of the Pope’s own mouthpiece in Ireland, instruct them that it calls these exquisite, these fascinating, these bewitching exhi- bitions of the poetry of motion, “ improper dances imported from other countries and retaining foreign names.” Do not waste words to demonstrate to them that it fastens fetters upon manly reason, and impedes the progress of the human mind. No, convince them that it shackles femimine ankles, and restrains the graceful movements of the female form. Then you may be sure that they will abandon the idea that there is what they call “soul” im its devotion. You will satisfy them that it is a dull, cold, hard system, as strict and as stupid as any species of Methodism. In short—that the Church of Concenis | Wiss is as disagreeable and as vulgar as the Church of Sticers. = a - Bring a Gridiron. It is stated ina Masonic publication of great obscurity, that the first English freemason was Wiitiam cr Sens. Unbrotherly and ill- informed outsiders venomously hint that the said Witt1aM was not only the first but the last person of sense who joined the fraternity.

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ing on 1estion ave or other’s alm of ing, is rather be so- oriety, might uld be ess of eS ex- affling arried ccom- irness entle- it also r pre- nt of - ~pro- their s cal- | @ pic-nic ARIVARI. | serviceable to the ladies, who call him in return HOW TO ENDURE WAR-TAXES. | ‘a dear man ;” and he is never so happy as when ihe is carrying their ag Roa parasols, or is 'o bombard and bat-| tuning their guitar, or holding their music, or = the disturber of the. with bis cambric pocket handkerchief (a perfect peace ot Europe, it is cobweb, that you might roll up into less than a necessary that we pill) is frightening away the “ nasty gnats.” should all shell out, | ith him all children are “dears” and “ pets” and come down with —all babies, “ sweet little things ;” and he s'abs the shot. ithem playfully with his finger, and “ chicka- The effort of shel- biddies” them, until he makes them cry. He ling or pulling out doesn’t like children, however, who | and money is attended with are noisy, disagreeable children, who pull him pain. It maybe com- about, and di-arrange his trowsers by climbing pared to having atooth Up his knees, or dirty his clean gaiters by standing out. In fact, Krxq om his boots, or tumble his beautiful hair. ‘To Jouy’s Jew allowed conclude with a few rapid characteristics. Tre several of his teeth to Man wo PARTS His Harr (it is generally light be extracted before he bair or a faint auburn) powN THE MIDDLE per- S would pull out his fames his handkerchief, likes home-made wines, money. is ary mee J fond of flowers, no pees, I} ro cannot bear onions, carries an eye-glass, keeps a << temenone diary and a cat, holds skeins of silk for ladies, Uii cessitated by war is ready to lend a hand to table-turning or any should be submitted other fashionable folly of the day, rarely dances, to under the influence has an inveterate habit of never parting with of chloroform. But his hat, and is invaluable in taking an elderly chloroform produces lady down to dinner. insensibility; andwhen Britons pay their taxes, they like to know what m, they are about. There is the same objection to brandy and water. The only possible sub- stitute for chloroform is Moral Philosophy, which often has a highly narcotic effect. It is hoped, however, that the following consideratioas may prove consolatory without being somniferous. : : In paying your war-taxes, recollect that you are only defraying an wring wm: police rate, necessitated for the protection of the community against a monstrous burglar, and hope that you are contributing to the rascal’s apprehension and punishment. Or, bear in mind that your taxes are only so much money extended in the way of fire insurance against a dangerous incendiary or Swina. e Think that the coin you surrender will be transmuted by the Government into ammunition ; so that it will, in effect, form a portion of bombshells and cannon-shot which may actually blow the palace of the old robber font his ears: perhaps enter into the substance of a bullet or a bayonet, destined to finish the work which the shells and the larger shot may leave unaone, | _ Comfort yourself, at all events, with the assurance that your cash will be converted into weapons of offence and destruction, to be wielded agaiust the Tyrant with all our might, and all our soul, and all our strength.

THUMBNAIL PORTRAITS. THE MAN WHO PARTS HIS HAIR DOWN THE MIDDLE. He has been broaght up at home, or else educated at a girl’s school. He can make pies and puddings, and is an unfailing hand at threading a needle. His sisters have tuught him to sew, and it is said that he mends his own stockings, but at all events he does not practise the art in public. He wears turn-down collars, and cultivates sentimental poetry. He plays the flute, and loves to look at the moon. His great passion is reading novels. Many : : a night’s rest has a lovely heroine robbed him of! His voice is soft, and flate-like—but a THE COLLAR MANIA. flate that only plays the very lowest notes. There is a confidential tone about his conver- year AND APPROPRIATY. ORNAMENT FOR A sation, as if he were whispering some fearful secret that he was mortally afraid would GENT’S ALL-ROUNDER. overheard. If he goes to the theatre, he takes his goloshes with him. He is timid, has been 1 - to walk up and down a pastrycook’s =. aap opaens = he has dared e-em ceeumemess go in to ask for a penny bun. At an evening party, he drinks lemonade, or orangeade, ed. or sherryade, or any other mild young man’s “ade ;” in the day time, if he imbibes anything, shag» gover to bo ound eres Wane 4 it is milk, or ginger-beer. Beer he sets his lips against entirely, as, in his refined opinion, Tue right fare for the cabman, when you ’re it it tends to grossness. He contributes to ies’ Albums, collects autographs, writes # dreadf hurry ; the words to express yourse acrosties, and is indefatigable in his exertions if a young lady should want half a million ‘When you are returning thanks ; the courage to soiled postage stamps to complete a charitable wager. His remarks upon the weather take the last fiz, whilst some one is looking at are as invaluable as they are inexhaustible, but, personally, he is not ve strong, and he you; the knives and forks when you go out to a cannot sit with his back to his horses. It makes him giddy to waltz, He hands the muffins Die-nie; the fire-eseape, when there's a fire round with a grace that no lady can refuse. He sings in the sweetest little voice that "sing ; and a policeman, when there’s a wouldn’t wake up a canary. But he is very miserable in his songs, and is always breaking | disturbance. his heart, or begging that he may die, but if he were asking you to pass the melted butter | . he oe the request more mildly. At a pic-nic he is invaluable—(and we never knew | PROVERBIAL PRECAUTION. e place without a man who parted his hair down the middle)—for he runs for | Ma. Srvurce does not say that the Emrrnon ths pistes cleans the knives and forks, fetches the spring water, and does a number of little |or Russia asked himself and his companions to seful whilst the other gentlemen are quietly seated down upon the grass eating their | take any refreshment. If they stopped to sup u dinners. More than this, his pockets are ~~ ¢ stocked with pincushions, and smelling- | with his Imperial Majesty, it is to be Soned each | bottles, voice-lozenges, and pocket scissors combs, and an infinity of nick-nacks most | of them had a long spoon,

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| se le ine aby deen —— ‘ _—— ny _ backing as if from a red-hot poker. His Majesty ascribed their ref 98 7 ___ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, | THE FRIENDS’ REAL SCENE WITH THE CZAR. \ ToraLLy incorrect account of f the interview between the p Quaker deputation and the Emrenor or Russia having been published, we subjoin the following, wherein our usual accuracy may be de-| pended on. The three Friends walked into the Imperial presence with their = on their heads, | and remained covered when they got there. Then the spokesman de- livered this address : “ NICHOLAS ROMANOFF, Emperor of all the Russias. We come before thee, deputed by the Society of Friends, of which we are members, re- spectfully to beseech thee to withdraw the provocation whereby thou art in the way to cause a European war. | In addressing this entreaty to thee, we trust that thou wilt consider us warranted by thy profession of the Christian religion, which forbiddeth all warfare. ‘“‘ We are further moved by the information that thou hast called on thy subjects to take up arms for the express purpose of protecting the CGirecks, under the dominion of the Sultan, in the exereise of that | religion, which is a religion that not only doth not require, but dis- imeth the protection of soldiers. “Thou knowest that war hath for its direct aim the slaughter of luman beings by piercing them with bullets, crushing and tearing them lh bombshells and cannon-balls, cutting and stabbing them with swords, lances, and bayonets, and by other cruel and barbarous means putting them to death. Also that it causeth the burning of ships and towns, and the infliction of the most dreadful and atrocious outrages on the inhabitants of the hostile countries, succeeded in general by pestilence and famine, We ask thee to reflect that these are not the right means for defending the cause of Christians. ‘ Moreover, we desire to call thy attention to the fact, that war is not only inconsistent with Christianity, but also with commerce, and thy case will materially affect the corn trade, in which both thyself and many of us are largely interested, besides doing great mischief to thy business in tallow, hides, tar, pitch, hemp, and hog’s bristles. “We therefore exhort and implore thee to withdraw thy troops from the Danubian Principalities, and thus save Europe the calamities wherewith it is threatencd by thy present policy, and preserve thy own yal from respopsibility for them.” Whereunto the Autocrat replied ;— “ Gentlemen,—Considering that you know I have the power, and nay reasonably doubt whether I have not also the will, to order you all three to be knouted to death, in approaching me with such a iessage as you have just delivered, I confess | admire your courage— ich is the more remarkable that you are men of peace. But at the une time, | am astonished at your impudence. “You come here to teach me Christianity. What do you know out the matter? You are dissenters from Protestantism. Protes- tants are seceders from the Latin Church. The Latin Church is heterodox. Thus you are heretics three times removed. “| am the supreme head of the Orthodox Church. I am the great teacher of Christianity. I gave the Turks a practical lesson at Sinope. After that, | caused my priests to sing “Ze Dewm laudamus,” a hymn on a sacrifice, What, then, are you telling me to think of myself, in coolly proposing to me your ideas of Christianity ? “The only reply that I can condescend to give to your monstrous presumption, is by my mouth unutterable. There is, I believe, a vulgar word in your language, which signifies a particular piece of won. Understand my answer to be contained in that. “ In return for your obliging attempt to teach me Christianity, how- ever, [ will, if you like, teach it to you. Heretics of heretics of heretics! go and get christened by my ARCHI-ARCHI-ARCHI-VEY. “In the meanwhile, to show you that passion is not among my failings, and that I am not proud—here is my hand,” ; The Friends did wot take the sanguinary hand. All three shrank | back from it with horror. The Emperor, with palm extended, followed | them around the presence-chamber, laughing, whilst they retreated, | to shake hands with him to the same merely conscientious scruple which caused them to retain their hats; and, giving up his gracious | overture, called in the Empress to show her his visitors, whose costume and appearance afforded her infinite diversion. A TAX ON BACHELORS. Ir has been suggested, as one of the best means of raising a fund for carrying on the war, to put a tax on Bachelors. Few but the parties themselves will object to this arrangement, though it proceeds on the ungallant supposition that em = men a wife a sufficient tax without any additional burden. We hope that if the Bachelor Tax should be im it will be in the shape of an ad valorem duty, and that every Bachelor will be allowed to fill up his own form of assessment of his worth, according to his own estimate. There need be no fear that any surcharges will have to be made by the Commissioners, for it is reasonable to expect that the valuation, if made by the parties themselves, will touch the maximum. We know several Bachelors who put such price on their perfection of form, that they are sure to set themselves at a very considerable figure. There are many also who have expended vast sums in a species of self-culture that has, in their own opi added greatly to the sum at which they ought to be rated. We have d of a case in which a moustache has been raised by a large outlay on a somewhat barren and unpromising field, and this process, which may be called the “high arming” of the upper lip, is sup to increase the “ permanent value” of the spot where it has been adopted. Personal appearance is frequently a chief part of the fortune of a Bachelor, who regards a bandana face as equivalent to an estate ; and if he preserves the hairs on that estate, he believes that he adds mabeneny to its worth should he have to go with it into the matrimonial market. We have a Bachelor acquaintance who has devoted half a life to his eyebrow, which he estimates at five thousand pounds, and he is seriously thinking of giving up the remainder of his days to a beard, which is at present in a most unpromising state of stubble. If an ad valorem duty were to be levied on this enthusiast’s estimate of himself, the ges me would be nearly enough to support a whole regiment, for he Places a very high valuation on the “ growing crops” which cover the “ face of Nature,”—as he complacently terms the thes with which Nature has—either well or ill—favoured him. By all means let us have a Bachelor Tax, but let every Bachelor be at liberty to assess himself; so that however much he may be rated above his real worth, he will never suspect that he could have over- — himself, and will therefore be quite satisfied with the self-infli_ted yurden. VICTORIA ! Ficut—with determined fury fight! We know that we are in the right, For Freedom’s holy sake we rise, And have the best of battle-cries— Victoria ! Fight for the Queen in the QueEN’s own name, *T is an omen of conquest, an earnest of fame, On with it, brave men, through smoke and flame ! Victonia! Victoria! We arm against a despot’s rei The empire of the scourge tall chain : Of Liberty we wage the war, ? Old England’s Queen against the Czar ; Victoria ! Fight, mindful of our oid renown, To put a brutal monster down, Fight in the name of Brrrannta’s Crown, Victoria! Victoria! In numbers let the villain trust ; His savage hordes shall bite the dust, Splitting the liar and scoundrel’s ear, Scatter his host with our English cheer— Victoria ! They in the righteous cause who die Triumphant fall, and, where they lie, Let their last faint breath swell the ery— Vicronia! Vicrorra! THE SAME THING. Tae Emperor ov at tHe Russias, L’Empereur de toutes les Ruses.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI iS IT FAR TO JERUSALEM P A CRACKED HEAD IN A CROWN, . , Leary, by the case of that old brute Sit tf 0 Je ? nv a . . 4 it far to Jerusalem | The Czar, with pride gone mad, What pilgrim is it asks this | , touching question? Who is he me ~ bad.” —" bound for the holiest of the Holy pd eg rts A, ry the cockle He in his bonnet has a bee, . staff of crueiform ? be seep To use a Scottish phrase, wear the pilsinto a 9 Which doth around his ears, you see, Doth he carry the ba earn ? A nest of hornets raise. ogy | aed Who is it pee wt His head is turned—but on that pate Ft. Is fixed the Russian crown, p haeraee 4 ~~ bd . And, ere with it, turns the state Sr. Nicnonas, Young was, | Completely upside down. casey meet as, innocent as the) His reason from its seat is hurled, . cme Guin garment ; happy _ Whilst he retains his throne, thoughtless, frisking he an | Thus the derangement of the world Tartar lamb in its first May | Arises from his ows. a a - Frg hgh KR How many roofs, through one loose slate, w Ad pig; when there came a ft likely to be sacked , voice pai. village, saying, “ Let broken heads » sum how great PeTeR become even as a Pilgrim Will come of one that ’s cracked of Sr. Nrewocas, and pre : himself i journey to J aha War on of cms Panag insane Now, PeTer was content to ‘agen } remain where Providence had Determination to the Lrain, Senet a ae it a me in its cause, "riests ha to him ¢ , ak ; Jerusalem, and, scratching his Up ti in many a fight will flow, head, much confused by a singi , out in many a flood, therein, as of the yoices of spirits ; Twere bloodshed saved if he would go dassieg too, as by the light of And lose a little blood. oly fires, t ‘ mre Bm doaiie nS If from unhealthy hile proceed Jerusalem, Nevertheless, Petzx was still fain to wear his old, and by this time, populous The despot’s mental ill | sheepskin, and to remain in the village, of which he was even earth of its earth. Thousands, perhaps, are doomed to bleed, There were strange stories told of this Jerusalem, a place far up, up, up, and surely getting Because he wants a pill. very nigh to heaven. Strange stories of goodness and graee, and everlasting mercy to man | and all this seemea strange, perplexing to Perer, for he had heard from his childhood O nations! to the fact attend, upwards, the thwack of the stick, he had more than once heard the death (erack) of the | Which cannot be denied | knout screaming like a vulture for the victims’ vitals. Nevertheless, he would rather rest The state of Europe may depend where he was, he would rather not go to Jerusalem. On that of his inside. And then the Priest from his pulpit tells terrible tidings of the wickedness done in a a Oe ee Jerusalem. Old men howl, young women sob, and beldames tear their hair, monsters of Turks ae r r mon, borne In mind, -two-legged .dogs, no better—defile the Holy Places. The Sultan sends his mule from T . him ohyeic "sf the kind Constantinople to drink from out the Holy Manger, and Calvary is ploughed by the infidel “Sech | im paysic, o s be KIM plough and sown by the sons of opium with poppy-seed; and again the old men groan, and uch lunatics require. the old women shriek anew. But let Perer rejoice and bless himself, for the elders of snail the village, in obedience to the sacred Czar, have chosen Perer with some score or two of others, old familiar playmates, to go to Jerusalem. Nevertheless, Peter would fain tarry PICTORIAL STATUES. where he is, Perer is obdurate, rebellious, but there is the stick—the ruling genius of | Russia, and Peter for the five hundredth time in his life, is black, and likewise blue. And Tue Morning Post complains of a fashion Perer, his legs and arms bound by his native hemp, is flang into a cart to become a soldier. | Which is becoming prevalent in sculpture that Here, as it sometimes happens to calves on their way to become veal, Perer hears his father Of colouring statues—helping out the chisel with howl and his mother scream for the last time, for he goes jolting onwards to Jerusalem, and the paintbrush. Tastes, however, differ, and some from the depths of his trouble arises this question, Is it far to Jerusalem ? | connoisseurs imay consider that the works of the At length, shorn of his sheepskin, Peter becomes a pilgrim in uniform, and with his sculptor are improved by painting ; although the scrip of bullets, is sent towards Jerusalem, and still he marches and marches—the deliverer | Opinion of others may be that he had better of the Holy Places; and still getting nearer and nearer, he asks of every new people, Is it | confine his attempts to the creation of beauties for to Jernnniemn? | without paint. e former class of dilettanti For the last time he opens his mouth, and a Turkish bullet gives him satisfying answer. |™4y com a! deny that the practice com- Peter has arrived at Jerusalem. Good Christians all, your prayers for the thousands and plamed of by the Post is, as our contemporary thousands of pilgrims bound to Sr. Nicnotas—and now im morass, marsh, and quagmire %4YS, an mmnovation. Not to mention the glaring faintly gasping, “ Is it far from Jerusalem ?” proofs to the contrary which are to be seen in | | every toyshop window, the antiquity of embel- —————— lishing works of plastic art is demonstrated to | | everybody who steps into Guildhall by the glori- stem COME si aaa sae Elizabethan, with a a, joe tae ee — old Civic fancy has Cyprian, or perhaps it was Onicszy, it doesn’t much matter, for most likely the story is utterly false—lived nineteen years mm one chamber, and took so little notice of it, that - | at the end of that time he could not describe its shape, or say how many windows it had. Sim Cuartes Barry’s architectural creations lay a much firmer hold upon those who dwell Increase of the Police Force. | among them, and actually force the officers of the Houses to adopt an antiquated style of, Tugre was talk of an increase of the Police speech, more in accordance with the forms and ornaments around them, than is the flippant Force, but a lady assures us that there is not talk of the day. Quotations from Suaxespzare and the Elizabethan dramatists, are quite the least necessity for this addition, for she has the household words in the New Palace. For instance, no official ever thinks of asking remarked that, in the viemity of the . another, “‘ Who is speaking in the House of Commons?” but, if he wishes for that inform- the policemen have increased considerably, as a ation, demands with Macbeth— body, having all grown much stouter ever since | + London, } “* Who Lies in the Second Chamber? | the 3

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oe ats ccna Aman als ak a oath - : ae 104 OUR ARTIST THINKS OF PAINTING A PICTURE FROM MACAULAY’S “IVRY,” AND DECLAIMS THE POEM TO A PROSAIC PARTY Cur Arlist (ove rol. ). ” * * . * - Charge by the golden lilies! upon them with the lance ! A thousand spurs are striking deep, a thousand spears in rest, A thousand knights are pressing close behind ~» Prosaic Party (interrupting). Hullo ! Our Artist. Eh? Prosaic Party. Why, hang it, that’s only one spur a-picce ! AN ACTING MEMBER. We observe that a gentleman, named Pax, against whom we know nothing worse than that he is a Member of Parliament, has just been solemnising his election by giving some dramatic performances, in which he took a share, and to which he admitted not only his aristocratic friends, but “the trades- men of the wy We should like to see the playbill, as we confess that, though unhappily familiar with the British Drama, we should find it difficult to select a set of pieces appropriate to such an occasion. Memory, prodded by ill-nature, of course seus a few common-place sarcasms, and Ciate at (uid pro Quo, the Apostate, Wanted a Place, and similar unjust impertinencies, but these we should scorn to write down. But it occurs to us as possible | that Mz. Patx may have chosen to illustrate his intended Parliamentary career to his constituents after the manner of the “Grecian Statues,” once so popular. Perhaps he himself in tight “fleshings,” and, getting | upon a table, went into the following attitudes, to the sound of striking music. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | Mn. Pack as he appeared taking the oaths, adding a terrific | bang on the Speaker's table as he defied the Pore and all his works. Ditto as he appeared taking his seat courteously, but _man- fully, and in a manner accordant with the true priuciples of the Constitution. Ditto, as he appeared crying “Hear!” _ Ditto, as he appeared presenting a petition, and bounding gracefully therewith to the clerk of the carpet-bag. Ditto as he appeared trying to catch the Speaker's eye. Ditto trying another attitude. Ditto trying a third attitude. Ditto, suddenly dropping his hat, in the hope that this would arrest Mr. Speaker’s attention. Ditto, suddenly unbuttoning his coat and displaying a very glittering waistcoat, with the same view. Ditto shouting, yet insinuatingly, at the Speaker. _ Ditto, beginning with a kind of spasmodic jpop, eminently calculated to attract notice. Ditto, having tried all these devices of young and green Members in vain, and being continually defeated by the rus¢ First Commoner, waiting quietly until Mr. Speaker sees fit to see him. Ditto (being called by name) as he appeared rising and saving his country. , Ditto, as he appeared next morning when perusing the papers, and finding that he is made to save his country in four ines and a halt. d Ditto, resigning his seat and resuming those bucolic engage- ments which befit every true ishman. Now, if this was anything like the series of performances with whieh Me. Park regaled his constituents, we can only say, in perfect ignorance of that gentleman’s other merits, | that it betokened an originality which bids well for his success in the House of Commons, and on the bare hypothesis we feel half inclined to look out for his speeches. | A Thought at an Election Committee. Ir must be confessed that nowhere does England appear to less advantage than at her Election Committees! Such a mass of meanness, trickery, bribery, corruption, perjury, of everything that is base and blackguard, as to make an Englishman ashamed of his own countrymen! You would not believe that Englishmen could have been guilty of such —- We hope that no foreigner ever looks into those rightful blue-books, for if the national character were to be drawn from the evidence that is contained in them, how hope- lessly black we should appear in the eyes of the world! A Gigantic Change. Tue spirit of democracy has entered into that strongnold | of conservatism and corruption, the City Corporation. When Gog and Macoe are knocked off their pedestals, as soon they must be, they will be thrown upon the wide world, and not know what to do for a living. They may follow the example of other Conservatives, who have jumped down from the great | height of their original position and mingled with the ranks of the ye le, and we may yet witness the strange fact of Goce and Macoe turning demagogues. NICHOLAS HIMSELP. Nicnotas, worshipped as the God of the Russians, has been acting like the very Nicaotas—the great Pretender. He sent Ontorr to tempt Austria and Prussia. Of a truth Nicuo.as is Nicno.as, and Orvorr is his angel. Save us from our Friends. [x his reply to the Peace Deputation the Emprrnor or Russta declared his sentiments to be in perfect conformity , with those of the Society of Frie We cannot doubt the sincerity of this assertion, for when the Czar sees all Europe in arms against him it is natural that he should become a Quaker. AN UP AND DOWN TRAIN OF THOUGHT. Tere is an up and down train of tho Pe, wan not un- | frequently ends in a railway collision, and that is when an irascible gentleman in a —- insists upon having the win- dow “ up,” and another irascible gentleman insists upon having j it “ own.’

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‘PREPARATIONS FOR WAR. Officer (who is going to the East), “Ov counsm rr’s RATHER A BORE JUST AT THE BEGINNING OF THE Season—aND I sHALL Miss THE Derby! Wis THEY COULD HAVE HAD THE RUSSIANS OVER HERE, BECAUSE THEN WE COULD HAVE | t THRrasHEeD 'eM IN Hype PARK, AND DINED aT GREENWICH AFTERWARDS, YOU | KNOW.” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARK = = = =—_i0s | THE POET IN PARLIAMENT. Come, twine me a chaplet the brows to adorn Of the Colonel, whose eloquence playfully gushes From under moustaches, whose mY sn would scorn The teeth of the comb or the print of the brushes. And recollect, that the man I sing Hates humbug with aversion hearty ; So a wreath of many colours bring, | Combining all but the hue of party. They say of debate he’s the standard buffoon, And taints with absurdity all that he touches ; They hint that he’s Parliament’s own Pantaloon, With twaddle and wholesale abuse for his crutches. You ’ll see at once the kind of thing For a chaplet I need ; so, quick, prepare it, And into the air a foolseap fling To light on the head that’s fit to wear it. MONASTERIES UNDER THE MICROSCOPE. Ir Roman Catholic ceremonies are imposing, Roman Catholic statistics appear also calcu to impose upon us. We must take care how we believe them—if we are to believe Loxp E. Howaxp. That noble lord, in deprecating inquiry concerning convents and monasteries, is reported to have said— “ The honourable member, too, had quite a misconception as tothe numbers | of females in the convents; any one would suppose from the honourable gentl "s language, that all the 75 convents were crowded with melancholy | prisoners, whereas he himself (Lorn EB. Howanp) he to know that in one of them there were but three inmates, in another but foor, and in another but seven; and he believed the same description would y to a great many of the rest. The fact was that, whenever two or three ladies united together for the purposes of edueation or charity in a locality, the editor of the Catholic Almanack forthwith registered them as an additional convent.” This exaggeration seems to be a sort of pious fraud, in- tended to disseminate the rotion that Popery is spreading. | The piety of the Catholic Almanack is peruage not the less orthodox for being fraudulent, It is a sort of piety that has | always tended to magnify monastic institutions, SUBJECT POR A YABLE, Tuat naughty little boy the Emprron Nicnonas, seeing he reflection of the moon, in the shape of a Crescent, in the ale of the Greek Church, and erying use he cannot clutch — | hold of it. —— are CU Cee SUICIDE OF THE SEWERS. Tue neighbourhood of Greek Street has been in a state of great excitement, in consequence of a report that the sewers had put an end to their existence by a deliberate act of suicide. On inquiring at the office of the Commission the rumour was found to be—we can’t say, too true—but true enough. The body which has just terminated i's own existence has for some time led a very useless and unsatisfactory life, which had long been regarded as a burden, not only to itself, but to those who were heavily taxed by itsextravagance. It has long been felt that it would be a mercy to put out of its misery a body which has long ceased to be regarded with any other feeling than one of contempt, and the public will be delighted to hear that the body itself has at last struck the decisive blow which every one has been reluctant to give, though desirous to see inflicted. A letter from the Home Office, intimating to the Board its utter inefficiency, had the effect of touching one of the members that happened to have some consciousness leit, and this member gave the suicidal blow of which the body has happily expired. ere is no doubt that the Commission, in laying violent hands on itself, has only antici by avery short time, the fate that was in store for it. Our only wonder is that it should have lived—or been allowed to live—so long, and we are rejoiced that by administering to itself its own guietus it has spared the Home Secretary the unpleasant- | ness of ‘orming the office of exeeutioner. We should have been sorry to have seen Lorp Patmenston compelled to stain his honourable hands in that sullage which has now been shed by an act of most exemplary suicide. The only difficulty now will be to find a dustman sufficiently dead to all sensibility to take away the ashes. until she has had her portrait painted. of people, to be the front of Bethlehem Hospital—an institution which would have been an extremely proper one for the accomme tion of those heroes who showed their devotion to the shrine of that | name by destroying their fellow men. If, however, it should be thought too extreme a view of the crasading state of mind would be evinced by the connection of Cazun px Lion’s image with Bedlam, _ | Marocuetti’s work of art might anyhow be erected in proximity to An Art-Truts.—No woman ever. knows how handsome she is a building opposite—the large Koman Catholic and medieval meeting. I POOR RICHARD C(RUR DE LION. —__.«,T has been suggested that the space in front of West- minster Hall and the chief entrance of the House of Commons. is not an ap- | yropriate site for Baron AROCHETT!'sS statue of Ricnarp Caur pr Lion ; ne certainly ’ statue of /AKE upon LATTLETON that is, of Coxe placed on Litrieton’s shoulder, would be more appro- priate to the locality than that of the Lion-hearted Monarch on horseback. Considering the nature of the excitement which occasioned the Holy Wars, the fittest place for the re- presentative of the Royal Crusader will perhaps be decided, by the majority | iE ee Se

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i : = WAR gn, gran fe = 106 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL OUR ELECTRIC SELVES. A Boox has been nblished on Elec- ricity in the hn- man body, and the modes of de- veloping it. Pre- viously to the pub- lication of this work, however, it was well known that in the course of friction with society, or rubbing on in the world, shocks are fre- a quently experi- enced. The 2 nomena of mutual attraction and re- milsion have also = abundantly exhibited by in- numerable persons of both sexes; but the laws that govern them have not been as yet explained. They are greatl dependent on the colour of the hair and skin, whereunto various arti- | ficial means have been devised of imparting those tints that are ne- cessary to attractive action, but which have either been denied by Nature or lost through time or accident. An important influence is also exerted by the eyes, which occasionally give off sparks that inflame combustible individuals. Considering the body as an electrical maehine, the most eligible form is not the cylindrical, still less the cireular; a certain contraction of the waist is preferred ; and some human elec-| trical machines of the softer sex, with power sufficient to electrify a} { whole ball-room, exhibit a conformation resembling that of an hour-glass. } The apparatus should be fixed on a pair of legs, which ought to be straight and of a moderate thickness, if it is one of the male kind: otherwise, in consequence of the present length of dresses, it does not signify what curves they deseribe, or what is their circumference, or of what size and shape are the feet. This instrument will decompose water, but acts more energetically on wine and aleohol. in connection with a series of plates it will very speedily effect a rapid disappearance of victuals. To insulate a haman being, you may place him on a stool with glass egs, but a more effectual mode is that of depriving him of his money, which immediately cuts off his communication with the world. Diplo- acy has succeeded in completely insulating the Emprror or Rossta, who now stands on the insulated stool of Europe, which we hope will prove the stool of repentande. A NEW REFORM BILL FOR OMNIBUSES, We wish Mr. Fit#noy, or some good pushing propelling member, would put his shoulder to the wheel of public conveyances, and try to pass thronch the two Houses a new “ Reform Bill for Omnibuses,”— one that should confain some of the following dreadfully-needed improvements. ‘hat there should be sufficient room inside to enable a passenger to gain his seat, without having to force his way through an entangled — of knees, or to clear a path through a close crop of umbrellas and toes. That the space of each seat should be portioned off, as in the French omnibuses, by means of wooden rails, so making each seat a comfort- able arm-charr, in order that each passenger may enjoy his own share of room—neither encroaching upon his neighbour’s space, nor allowing his neighbour, which is too frequently the case, to encroach upon his. That there should be a strap rannmg under the roof, or some means by which a passenger may work along, easily, to his allotted seat, with- out being subject to the easantness of being jerked into a lady’s lap, or having to clutch hold of a passenger’s nose, or any other human handle in an omnibus im ease af sudden helplessness. leg -~ yee nr pe at agement say _ right!” until you have fairly gai seat your dress. That there should be some method of communication with the con- ductor—and a small bell would answer the purpose—instead of having, as now, to poke his ribs with your umbrella, or to run the risk of pulling him off his elevated bracket by tuggi riously at his coat tails, That there should be one fixed erice or the fare of an omnibus, and not made variable, as it now is, at the pleasure of the proprietor, being threepence to-day and sixpence to-morrow ; so that a passenger may | _ Por a return of the silver forks and spoons which know, before he gets in, what he has to pay, and the conductor may not have the opportunity of charging what he likes. That all Conlin more especially dirty linen, be excluded from the inside of an omnibus, and the persons earrying the same be compelled to go outside. That not more than two babies be allowed at the same time in an onmibus—as a baby on each side is amply sufficient for the peace and comfort of any well-condueted vehicle. That no dogs be admitted inside the omnibus—not even lap-dogs—as it is not pleasant to have a feroeions animal hungrily surveying the dimensions of your calves, or to be exposed to the wild stare of a panting, sharp-toothed terrier, in the dog-days. That no conductor, after he has said “ Going, Sir, in five minutes,” be allowed to stop longer tham fen. We think, if this “New Reform Bal” could be — hiding in oranibases wou!d become, by being taade more fhuch more general; whereas, at present, no ome ever thinks of getting into an omnibus unless he is actually compelled. Our omnibuses are litt!c better than police vans—only not so well whieh no man springs of his own ac but into which he is the crue! pressure of cirewmtstances. Really, if it were tot for the ce of the thing, we think we would sooner ride in @ police vafi than in au omnibus—for it contains more room, goes fastet, better time, and the conductor hands im and out, and looks alter you, with the greatest care and civilly. _ . > DOMESTIC RETURNS. ane Fame, - Flint Lodge, in F = prise hes ;> the following urns, the necessary ave () placed upon mahogan “eae y table of the g-room a3 sOOR as had out on the oceasion of the last evening party, and which never been retarned to the plate-basket yet. For a retarn of the housekeeping? book, which has net been checked for the last three weeks. Por a return of the number of pies and puddings which have been consumed during the last six months, and to ascertain what effect they bear upon the weekly expenses, with the view of taking into consideration the alien of discontinuing the same. For a return of all the books, no matter whether amusing, instructive, scientific, cookery-books, or novels, which have been taken out of the library, and never been returned to their places. For a return of my slippers, which have been missing from the side of my bed for the last two days. For a return of the quantity of table-beer that is drunk in the kitchen, and to consider whether it would not be advisable, and decidedly cheaper, to give them money in lieu of same, and, at the same time, to reflect upon the propriety, and probable cheapness, of engaging for the ! future none but temperance servants. } For a return of my silk umbrella which that confounded old fool | SitmpKrys carried away with him on Friday evening last, after having | won my money af cards. } For a return of all the children’s frocks which have only been turned | once. For a return of all the children to school as quickly as possible, as | they are unbearable at home, and their appetites are such that it is | impossible to satisfy them. ‘or a return of all the Christmas bills, as yet unpaid, ——— those which have becn contracted for personal, eal thee for gene payces, and to see whether the latter cannot be materially redueed this year. For a return (only I consider it almost hopeless) wh prey that is shown me by my wife and children for the way in whi am always slaving to support them; and, also, for a return of the amount of respect that I am entitled to, as well as the amount I receive from the servants for the opportunity my means ag at their disposal, and for which the ungrateful creatures have greatest reason to bless themselves, of living in such a respectable establishment. == = — Convent Sells. Tr seems that there are numerous Convents in England containin from three to seven inmates, but which are by the Popish press as regular nunneries. Instead of describing such very small sisterhoods as nunneries if would be more truthful to call them next-to-none-eries. A SERVICE OF DANGER, Ir is a mercy that the Friends who went as envoys from their Soci to the Ewreror Nicworas did not burn their fingers, particularly as they ventured to shake hands with Nrcworas himself.

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| | PUNCH, OR THE | { : hu , LORS la v4 af} i ra’ yn | | Pry Unve hi x ju THE POPULAR AND AMUSING GAME OF BATTLEDORE AND | SHUTTLECOCK, AS AT PRESENT PLAYED IN THE PRINCIPAL THOROUGHFARES. ean Ait > 4, ge Ail ig am | a) -“ - aim: Emperor Alias. Ir rs that the Emperor or Ruse is greatly yed with the Prussian for styling him simply the Czar. We hope His j is satisfied with the hich he is called by the British Public. SLIGHTLY SUICIDAL. | Carpmvat Wiseman has sent over a Form of Prayer for | use among the Roman Catholics, that all Hex Maszery’ enemies may be speedily overthrown. | which | than in t | classes of some of our public schools, the bully and the ruffian may still “BULLYING AT PUBLIC SCHOOLS.” More than one of our public schools have lately furnished cases which fairly come under head of “ Aggravated Assaults,” and t, therefore, to have figured in the Police reports rather an miscellaneous columns of the em rute force, with its attendant cowardice, had, we ho the lowest classes of society, but we regret to find t , fallen down to , in the highest be met with, Not long ago there were some painful disclosures of some di i at Harrow; and now we hear of an y by two ru of 16 or 17 on a little between 10 and 11. These two noble youths, while their diminutive victim were caught in the act of probably about their own age, and to for mercy when he, very excusably, com- a taste of the violence they had exercised ; ild that had fallen into their clutches. We are sick of the humbug we sometimes hear by way of excuse for the masters as to the propriety of not interfering with the i leaving the stronger to oppress the weaker hope that, among a large body of the sons of like a wholesome public opinion would prevail ; proves that the public opinion of a public i frequent! | ayo ist among the generality of the there may be one here and there who feels he sees he meets with so his views that the chances are he will be either out of his own sense of propriety by his unscrupulous | 4 hoax to talk of the moral tone of a school in could stand by, without interfering to eruelty practised by a boy in the higher him, indeed the truth is, that the dozen in the lower, exercise in turn the tyra system is perpetuated with It is quite r hools, of evil; but, unfortunately, which they believe to il ax have proved has no existence ei! these establishments are not m schools in the “tone” that animates We only wish ill-used by for the punishment some power in the hands of i FE is Hi ule ref i 33 ot Fase i : i = i & 2® F as = : il 3 E ¢ i | : : : a i THE CROZIER IN THE BALL-ROOM. “ AncusisHor” Cutten has formally and solemn! “the mischievous foreign called waltzes a splendid creature is a of the forbidding the sun to Ensicn Murrny f L Eg gti tae

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a “"” ; aa - —- a — —-- eC : 108 PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHARITY ARI. i * | PROCLAMATION OF OUTLAWRY. of the seale on which a burglar is enabled to plunder, or a madman to rage, does not render the predatory or insane in dividual less a maniac, vr less a robber, and that, confo with omg aes hieal disco- very, they have issued the following and inter- D ational Hue and Cry -— “Felony! Arson!! Murder!!! £10,000 Reward!!!! @Wihereas, Nicuoras Romawore, elias the Czan or Muscovy, alias the Autocrat, clas the Exopgnom ov Russia, alias the Gop ” THE Russians, stands convieted Patent of the Courts of Europe of having wilfully, f maliciously invaded the dominions of his M JEsTY ABDUL Surtraw or Turkey, otherwise called the Graxp Sxewom, and killed, slain, and murdered divers of his said Masesry, the said Sottan’s true and loyal subjects, and doth by force and arms eontinue to hold and keep possession of the said dominions, and to slaughter and massacre the said subjects of his Masesty the Sunray aforesaid, in a and defiance of the Law or Nations and the Authority of the said mam thereby openly abyaring and renouncing, and utterly and casting away a! the sanctions and conditions of the said Aotice ts Hereby Given that the a: NICHOLAS ROMANOFF hath, by such his own act and deed, made and constituted himself, and is hereby declared and proclaimed THE OUTLAW OF BUSES; and hath forfeited and doth forfeit the of the aforesaid Laws. And Novice 1s Hesesy Fuermen Given, as Booed ; TEN THOUSAND POUNDS Will be given to any Person or Persons who will seize and apprehend A FINE OPENING FOR YOUNG ISRAEL. nen eunimees am on “ the Body of the aforesaid Nicnotas Romanorr, and give into ee ee ae POE IEW. Custody to any Constable, Policeman, or Officer of the Sea or Land | « Enlist, my fine fellow, and serve the QuaEy.” Forces of Her Masesty Victoria, Queen or ENGLan», or of His © Mach vugther veianin Ge I am, end ewes de Queen's Bench.” Masesty Lovis Napozon, EMPEROR OF THE Faencu, or to any poe te ‘t ill also b P P And the same Rewanrp will also be given to any PeRson or PERSONS ABMA VIRUMQUE. who shall give such Information or Assistance as may lead to the | At the banquet given the other day by the Reform Club to Srm) Capture of the aforesaid Outlaw. ‘And all Peaceable 2 and Well Disposed | Cuanres Naren, Lorp PALMERSTON remarked that the gallant Persons are hereby exhorted and admonished to be aiding and assisting Admiral has already “ put on his armour.” As Sm Cuantes sat to the Pursvrr, Proms ution, Seizure, APPREHENSION, and ABaTE- down to dimer in an ordinary body coat, we must presume that he ment of the Criminal now at large under this sentence of Outlawry ; wore it over his armour, which probably consisted of a shirt of m ale, with a view to the prevention of rapine, bleedshed, fire, famine, out- and instead of a breastplate of brass, a heart of oak, The Admiral, rage, violence, and all other crimes and herrors of war i however, must on Swakesrrarr’s rrinciple, be walking about con- immment by the Malice and Wickedness of the said Criminal and | stantly im three complete suits, inasmuch as he is Ontke alowcean i r e a : resaid Nicwotas Romayorr is upwards of six three Thrice armed «ko hath his quarrel just. saahen inn t, and moderately stout. in j 1 . Whatever may be the material of the gallant sailor’s external accoutre- has a Paunch swollen out like : Frog’s. Has tht eyes and com- ments must be perfectly immaterial to one who can boast of the mettle plexion, great round joles, and a Slee _ Ss inflated expression of which Sin Caaxzs is known to possess. countenance. Wears a moustache or whiskers, and generally dresses in a mili feock, ane jpck-boota.” eS mot es Surely Europe is too sensible by this time to recognise any distine- WE shall be very happy to me whenever we are able, that the | allied Powers of Europe have arrived at a perception that the greatness other Servant or Mimister of their said Masestres who shall be em- | — eee — | powered to hold and detain the said Outtaw, Nicno.as, Emperor oF } ; | | : ae tion between a Conqueror and an ordimary villaim, exeept that of THE EXILE OF THE THIMBLE. magnitude in villainy. Why should nations stand upon ceremony in Satu .O’Baren’s misdeed Royal Mercy condones, te at dees 0 necaee oi — ——— fearon my * 7 And amano so 9 to Frost, WitiiaMe, — Jowus ; |tools. With just as much scruple as Ma. ne mn Fresp would One more object of course its eye can’t overskip ; entertain usebreaker. secure Grace for patriot Currzy, the poor little Snip ! | Smspersal ‘Thiel “ir — — safe, feed, sigh be = Forget the fi i encilie ten tile weathh | | best security for himself in the end—security from the fate of besotted Give hian book to hinasuntey, his scissors, and cloth ! een te on d= — ee The small, but magnanimous tailor set loose, in ~ And restore to his wife, and his needle, and govse. The Belles Lettres of the Present Day. His conspiracies dark in oblivion inter, | i Ere car ed pal sal ya a acted ye aed is, gingerpop Ropert Bext, Jacos Beit, Actox Bett, and Ognrer Beut— which | And let poor ttle Currey return to his shop. a ee “TN THE NAME OF THE REFoRMERS or EyGiaNp.’ We do not} A Purom.—A or helglew, hen-pecked at gmat a power a of a know what this mame may be, hat. when invoked by Sim Jomn}deseribes a pi SHELLEY, we should ‘say it was “* W ) ALKER.” command couocutrated om a sing

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 109 a | And, & ie tees ve versed in a 4 A there 0 a A URNITURE. | Opening for an Atash: to wo ischarge the Same | with Advantage to hi — to his Employers. In the a¥ING gbeen called on to give} probable in Eyent of i eredit to the popular fallacy— | or faet—that furniture can | walk and talk, we must be! prepared to expect from table- | turning a social as well as a “ Having beem so kind as to state mechanical revolution of the | humble Servant, in theevent. of most extraordinary character. | liberty of suplying: te — of a If it is possible to call a spirit) you will use your to into a chair, there will be n0| Government. A= ben! ys occasion to invite anybody to! selection of the besth your kind direetion: but fill it, and a most distinguished) aware you Lumcrous party may be assembled whielb| fasqus if me by —as spirits have not yet 1 mag be at to eat and drink —may co of the very highest order of com | wish wunldl Se-edisterial. saahdamee pany with — utmost +o witiel woulid be tie most. economy. A host with a taste: ; -conehnsion, aseire for good society, may sit downr| —aualill diapeutalteen: i a to his humble chop, and place a| dozen chairs come his table, for’ 2 the purpese of filling them with the very choicest spirits he may think | “Sm, ; proper to summon. If the talking furniture and the spirit rapping About = month or six weeks ago, I you anmnber should become an established fact we may expect to see it announced | ,¢ the Jobbingtom dpgus lon & a tie whee) in- in the Morning Post that Lapy Buawk, or the Honovnaste Mas.) “ Das, as the case may be, entertained at dinner ALEXANDER THE portance im ite Hearings, on. Prog Will you Great, Mr. Pupys, Arrrus Ciaupius, Sim Croupesiey a a pom er and er oe — Caractacvs, and Mz. Ducrow, to meet Loup Panarensrow and the suggestion ; vy rasell . French Ambassador. A for three would thus serve the | disposed. ti» the ms, lb Wiles coume the Goversanent is purpese | |; ursue, i consequence ; amt whether ineli of a dinner for eleven, an evening assembly might be made to} a P ion inam pig | eg oie eosin embrace several hundreds of the most illustrious visitors in the form of! d to otek hog ? : he tables, chairs, rout seats, and other articles of furniture, while the eost | **°* “Tam, Sit, Yours respectfully need not exceed that of sandwiches for two or three, and about a pint itn “J - Bo - of neutral negus. Ses SRS, Cards of invitation will of course have to be sent out to the prin- 4. cipal furniture marts, and the only difficulty will be to select the s “ in which a distinguished guest from the world of spirits will be “L axe deputed by the Jobbington Mutual Improvement | expected. Perhaps the better plan will be to fix on certain articles of | Society, Atheneum, and Burial Club, to request the favour of your furniture as the types of certain classes, and to issue cards to those subseription to that valuable Institution, and also of your becomi articles which are agreed on as the representatives of the sort of| one of its Trustees and Stewards, to which we trust that you will adc | society whose company is requested. If, i instance, the presence of | the further obligation of taking the chair at its next annual dinner. a literary man is desired, a bookcase should be asked to give the! Also whether you could kindly make it convenient to attend its weekly pleasure of its company; or if a Turk should be seleeted for invitation meetings, which will be arranged to take place on those evenings on | the lady of the house should intimate to some respectable furniture | which you will not be detained in town by your parlinmentary duties, | dealer, that she is “At Home” to some decent Ottoman. A family | I have the honour to be, &c. “Juve BapaEn, Secretary.” | consisting of father-and mother and six children, might be invited by | ‘ requesting “ the honour of the company of half a dezen chairs and two! “P93, May L also beg of your: tance of the offiee of Provisional elbows to an evening party,” and a married couple might be asked in! Director of the Jobbington Water Company, capital £5,000,000, in | the form of a double-action harp, while 2 young musieal prodigy could | shares of £100 each, which I am endeavourmg to form, and whieh, | be mvited asa piecolo, Particular individuals might he asked as par-| hesides its advantages as a pecuniary speculation, is so highly caleu- | ticular artieles of furniture; Pun the Quaker might be invited as an | |ated to promote the salubrity, prosperity, and general interests of the | inkstand; Sim Tuowss Lavaewen, Witxre, and Tumwen, as a chest | borough. ~_ | of drawers ; and the late lamented Primate of all England as a Canter- | | bury. Conumwsvs could be asked as an erg-cup, and » deceased Gold | “Dean Sin, } | | Sr, b. Stiek in Waiting eould come as.an umbrella stand. | 2 oe of Mus. assurance , t command | that as we are coming to town we - tiekets for the House of THE EXPENSE OF A MEMBER’S POST. | tieket Mus. €. to r the cs’ in the course of the ; in u please to leave the tickets | of ; htt thea tickets to see Buckingham | Page = menor Leer ee | Palace, and a few admissions to the Zoological Gardens ? should have some education | “Believe me, dear Sir, your staunch Supporter, | ‘cht be Sr edeed be iadlinn ye corres-| “Warren Prmvowren, Baq., MLP:” Cumxer Coo. | mae be = I mores ~ in raged he | “PS Mus. C. desires me to say that we shall! bring our little boy, te all of whom took so muck notice whew you called to soli¢ib my vote, and who cut two more teeth, and left off sucking his thum!.’ i i ee | yi * the trouble of answering’ such jeations as these :— : ude ble applieations as these Tus policeinan st Hesnt ae tonetiaed his suntan te te pene M THE OF JOBEINGTON. t olunteer. patmotie: offer, it is said, been ea eg ore — he. is to go out immediately with the staff—the tote | “Bosdenay Six, ~ wooden exe, thet he aw Homme” 90 fbn. the boy's fers t the | “ Avacrne myself of the Kind int you was pl to throw sea-side in the cause of civil order. en Carnes we De ae Soe e, 1 venter to Sollicit the m im : Sitiation of a Place for m the Customs, or Excise,| Stock Excuancs Sextrmext.—No Bonds of 'Affection so true, so | | Treasury, Sennett Ouse, net pertiekler witch. He rites a good dear, so lasting, as Treasury Bonds!

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| parties | re Sor fore oan ele wth gmt ef Sc Sees 110 ; PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI > 2 Moy} id 2\ ag — ay iu um , } \ Mh ij THE DON AND THE WINDMILLS. — —— OUR PATRIOTIC POETS. PARAGRAPH FOR SOME OF ‘THE PAPERS. Our pianoforte poets are i entieny seized with a fit of patriotism _Purwars there is no more striking evidence of a benevolent dispo- ond though conti =e an Athy at home — "they are -P: than panes and , for, animals, as or ap trait calling upon every re Standard of England,” price of character is.eften very strongly and peculiarly evinced gentler half-a-crown ; to give Maree Oheers for the Ned, White snd Blu. ”— | sex, A remarkable instance of ’, has been communicated ; and price two shillings; oe Unfarl the 2 free for two dozen | every reliance may be placed on the: fi statement :—A lady postage Lee Sg to accomplish other valorous feats which are of rank and fashion, but not less disti more diffieult to do than to sing about, or to write += | her position, possessed a favourite ; one e We have no wish to swamp all this lugging the Leanne's eae Having had the almost from her childhood, waste pipe of the distern of matter of fact, but we sh j A a have. more | obe.seae. aleeonntsly attached to it, and the little animal had now faith im t the sincerity of these pianoforte heroes and valorous vocalists, become im speaking of the canine race,.we may term old. Ad- if, instead of composing at home, and shouting in concert rooms the veal eo ta eg its outward e, or 7 of most vehement pod mam 8 ge every body else to die for their country, are qualities, but had voto natal depeved it of all so that i) they would go forth themselves and try the experiment. r Frvo had for some time. to put Shetiing a Be ye PoprN is sch easier than the risk of f cheddine | g*- at the privation thus pte 9 a little to roar out after mistress at | & concsived ee its pow dened “Let's Let's ater dig tan rl” hs when neither of th dikéwrme | oh a. sola by artificial ai ii oe consulted happens to present As a mode of testing the earnestness of the | Mn. eutaiee. Surgegn Dents by Ww [pO was supplied its food. and cxperionetn, not, th the slightest im crunching the THE COURAGE OF THE CZAR. = — i oul 1» ; . zy ao seach a Lm, Wee on St te zar: he means, “ et La ng she wu Snuffies « ” longer, despairing of hrough Busleiees end wits ey . | ag iemnton, have ele wp iting ot - Be se oi 9 aa F a Site ce etre he search of BerwaL Ospornz, who has 2 who Sa Se ve been heard opening of Parliament il acne ats + ag Te a | The Modern Crusader. ap ee | Nicwonas pretends that he is fi ie eae and in a tone the Crescent. Thi far true 1 Uttering deflance tgflgpyad'pchusslcatroke his Pr dbaiay’ have met Uiinln ass nos as Cross “ORDERED TO Lz UPON THE TaBLE.”—A Spirit-Medium. Tae Exp or aut Ancument.—* You ’re another.”

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[Punen, No. 662.

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< — PM T =) jew fy o) TR <A _ -) ae \e) bt Zz, _ Z, — <j sp)

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | should also have been sent for their use to Constantinople. | at least a | ously, although er may draw the THE TAP ON THE DANUBE. | 8S our trogps are likel | to have warm wi with the Cossack —t vages, they will of | course frequently ex-| perience thirst, for | the relief of which it | is requisite that pro- vision should bemade. | This has not been for- gotten, if, as we there is trath in | ’ » | ' subjoined newspaper | sss: > pi mngrags _ 0D News FoR THE = a — Arrangements | » have been made by the | > Government with a first-| rate London Brewery to | supply the troops while in | Turkey, &c., with the best | export porter at 3d. per quart. A ship of 360 tons burden is now preparing to take in the first consign- ment for Malta and Con- stantinople.” As the Maltese do not, or cannot, add | hops to their malt in such a manmer as to produce beer, the consignment of a io tity of that liquor to Malta was a judicious measure ; and if the integrity of e Ottoman Empire is to be preserved by our troops, it is but right that Entire May the heavy give weight to their ¢ , and enable them to offer a stout resistance to any number of the enemy. ming pot-v aay t ritish soldier wil) fight the | better for his pot | ot beer. Those who draw sword for their country deserve of porter; and a they will draw the former vigor- EXAMINATIONS FOR BARRISTERS. Ir has oa been Boalt « expedient that law students should be subject to some examination being called to the Bar. Under the present system an Utter Ci ter may be ape an utter ignoramus, and the only cram- ming that is requisite to fit les for his te ep hn pele ay b. dinners down his throat. He need know nothing more of law or equity than the fact that the “ ” is the man who gets the remainder of the berry tart, which has eX been attacked by the three who have gone fore him in the same mess. oint interest” is, to him, nothing more than the interest he feels in the soint that is brought to table, and of a “demurrer” he understands nothing but the fact that it is idle to demur to the wretched stuff that is passed off as port wine at the students’ table. PR mee py bing ye some hope that the —— one’s way to the a more sensible system, malilication will henee- foath b> pool awe by what the candidate is able to ype forth from his mouth, instead of by what he has stuffed imtoit. If we are to believe the Honourable Member who has brought the subject forward, the onl Ls strongly recom- mended for perusal to eae forensic By awe is “Joe Mi and, we cannot help we em Bar, the source of it is the very tenn The “legal mind” has such a love of precedent that a joke, no less than a =k must be found “in the books” before It is ripe for Westminster where a new idea and a new enthusiasm would | stand an equal chanee of . It is but the other day that the majority of the — were lost in dae ae as to whether a man who had been convicted f stealing some eggs had stolen the eggs, because there was a doubt whether the eggs were properly laid im the indictment, when, to the great —_ of the jalieat tenah, it was discovered that “ Supane’s case” had settled the - pane (oe Oe ee Suzans’s case” many years ago, —€ which judges of the present day were quite content to say | after him We sometimes wonder what i the we of sm ct of Parent when we fn the variety o! interpretations which ean put upon if im a Court o Ww, Ww vi frequently, instead of an mquiry what the Act means, there is a musty mm into what Hutxocx ruled half a century ago, or the ‘whole Court gets suddenly = by an obitér dictum of the garrulous Ganzow, which is, in turn, a sentence from the lips of Buiiea, J., fermeted out of some ancient mp ite pe rt —z with ane in the grave and the ITZHERBERT’sS “ Natura We feel satisfied there is little use in olenadieg iin has been made to get rid of the gross the law unless we saleum thee inwyens, and we hail the attempt that y and gross feeding which, at sutsent, toon the teedectiontethe pudiention afotancater. REASONS AGAINST REFORM. Lorp Jon Russe. (rising). take its from the war in the East) bee gps fom Se wari he Est), put I might stop, for I really have stated rase) be ‘ they do ‘ abated,” great heap of reasons is better than few. (po og ieee’ 8 fatal—that is, if it hits, a blunderbuss must blow an object to bits), So of reasons—not reason—here follows a feast, For postponing Reform “ for the present at least.” Because the Di as Paxton has bidden ’em, Demand extra funds for the Palace at Sydenham ; Because, when the Guardsmen the sad news Produced Jews : By ete, with = ee ie Mle due Nord. _s —, Sea Venn Gee be increased, We must put off Reform “for the present at least.” Because the old is the , Per avis aay ¥3 oa © We'll ade off Reloews * for the peoeet | boost ae eee ae friend LP, with Serer, but the small obation, pet Oe their A. tronbled, — my fend Guero, war-money t Has found that the Income Tax ought to be doubled. determined to cure a system A path to bicue — of G2 ee wel- to ), (Pea br gemeer pees Ka ob fe re gee en i Wherewith the Don Cossacks he vows to belabour. Because these slow Moslems won’t work at the drill— (But they ’ve got some new officers, now, though, who And because in the Baltic the ice has deereased, ee eerie inca cereal pomp toile, Though Ireland (the tener) ae Ae i rarey. Because we ’ve 4 magnitioent Which Narmaz owns is “ nearly ty complete. , and guns. St meee es letting ms make-out own pistale 2 fire tee habe Uhumks Mv werz is next door to a beast) 5 e’ll put off Refomm “for the present at least.” jp batt om, £ fr eee ex mageelt ), place for Reform now, on the shelf. The bill” © eecgndbenes 5) might be supposed, For Bexsamun’s pny ay) = nyny neal For eh that's not ware wlth For it that’s not warlike; well, that’s ’s their affair: | ey me lhe Sg duty has ceased When I’ve put off this Bill “far the present at least,” [Moves that the second veadiag be taken on the 2th April, 4

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE BEAR IN THE BOAT. AN OLD FABLE, NEW MORALISED. (To the tune,“ Froggy would a-wooing go. Tuene was a Bear got into a boat, Hey for Old Nicx so holy ! There was a Bear got into a boat ; He cast off the painter and set her afloat, With a aT; cannon and scrimmage, Hey for Old Nick so holy ! This Boat, you must know, was christened “ War Hey for-Old Nicx so holy! This Boat, you must know, was christened “ War ;” *T was forty-eight years since she ’d floated before, With a to mtg cannon and scrimmage, Hey for Old Nick so holy! The Bear at first felt. uncommonly proud, Hey for Old Nicx so holy ! The Bear at first felt uncommonly proud, As he pawed at tiller, and pulled at shroud, With a topsy-t , cannon and scrimmage, Hey for Old Nick so holy ! The Boat drove at will of wind and tide, Hey for Old Nicx so holy ! The Boat drove at will of wind and tide, The Bear imagined his paw did guide, With a neg oy , cannon and scrimmage, Hey for Old Nick so holy ! The Winds they to rise and roar, os 1cK so holy! The Wi to rise and roar, The Boat drifted farther and farther from shore, With a -turvy, cannon and scrimmage, Hey for Nick so holy ! The Bear the winds were whistling his praise, Hey for Old Nick so holy ! j ' j | The Bear thought the winds were whistling his praise, And he thanked ’em, but held on tight by the stays, With a topsy-iurvy, cannon Hey for Old Nick so holy! The Waves they began to heave and swell, Hey for Old Nick so holy! The Waves they began to heave and swell, __- And the Boat on their white crests rose and fell, With a topsy-turvy, cannon "ramet Hey for Old Nicx so holy ! The Bear thought the waves were bowing to him, Hey for Old Nicx so holy! : The Bear thought the waves were bowing to him, So he bowed to them, looking ) and grim, With a topsy-turvy, cannon scrimmage, Hey for Old Nick so holy ! The Winds grew louder, the’waves more rougli,— Hey Jor Old Nick so holy! The Winds grew louder, the waves more rough, And the Bear lcoked uneasy and roared “ Enough !” With his ome tere, cannon and scrimmage, Hey for Old Nick so holy! The Wind it blew the sail from the yard, Hey for Old Nick so holy ! The Wind it blew the sail from the yard, For the Bear would jam the sheet down hard, With his topsy-turvy, cannon and scrimmage, Hey for Old Nick so holy! The Waves clean over the gunwale flew, Hey for Old Nrcx so holy ! The Waves clean over the gunwale flew, For the Bear insisted on broaching-to, With his topsy-turvy, camon scrimmage, Hey for Old Nick so holy! Now port, now starboard, the tiller he thrust, Hey for Old Nicx so holy! Now port, now starboard, the tiller he thrust, And thought he was steering true and just, With his topsy-turvy, cannon and scrimmage, Hey for Old ‘Nicx so holy ! With random paws he tugged tack and sheet, Hey for Old Nick so holy! With random paws he tugged tack and sheet, And flattered himself he could sail a fleet, With his topsy-turvy, cannon and serimmage, Hey for Old Nick so holy ! To cast up his accounts he at last began, Hey for Old Nick so holy ! To cast up his accounts he at last began, For sea-sickness spares Bear no more than man, With his topsy-turvy, cannon and scrimmage, Hey for Old Nicx so holy ! Sick, helpless, and wild with and fear, Hey for Old Nick so holy! Sick, helpless, and wild with rage and fear, ‘The sea o’er the boat making breaches clear, With his topsy-turvy, cannon and serimmage, Hey for Old Nucx so holy ! Sails blown to ribbons, mast by the board, Hey for Old Nick so Roly ! Sails blown to ribbons, mast gone by the board, The prostrate Bear his repentance roared, With his topsy-turvy, cannon and serimmage, Hey for Old Nick so holy ! “Only let me get out of this curséd boat, Hey for Old Nick so ! Only let me get out of this boat, And I promise I ’ll never again go afloat, With my topsy-turvy, cannon and serimmage Hey or Old Nicx so holy!” What did wind and wave for Bruin’s prayer ? Hey for Old Nicx so holy! What did wind and wave for Bruin’s ? oid thas swamp the Boat and swallow the Bear ? it topsy-turvy, cannon scrimmage ¢ Hey for Old Nicx 80 holy ! a l st jt tttinmimtwiimithi awéiti meme os & aA he En

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Or did they waft Boat and Bear ashore, Hey for Old Nick so holy ! Or did they waft Boat-and Bear ashore, A sadder and wiser Bear than before, With his Hey Yr ON amne and peineen.

But the next year’s history p’raps may tell, With sage orgy ornnen cannon .and scrimmage, Hey for Old Nick so holy!

BARON ALDERSON’S WIG. Tue following startling advertisement appeared om the 3rd of March in the Times :— TEN POUNDS REWARD.—LOST or STOLEN, from Westminster, on ar shont a eieew Goleeeee a F ULL-BOTTO MED "W1G, the property | of Mu. Banow ALpERSON. itve such information ‘te Mr. | wig-maker, 47, Soy Senet avis as will lead to the reeovery of ‘the above,’ | shall receive FIVE ae AED; or, if stolen, shall reseive thesum cf@i0) | on conviction of the offender } | Considering the popular reside in the wig, there is > rather alarming in the aumeunse- ment that one of our nt in a state of We can only compare:aj vitheat nis wig to ALADDIN without this

only £10, what price can we be allowed to bad upon some of the less sagacious oecpants of cnshions—of Justice? We have puzzled ourselves not a little in thimkmg how the learned judge could have lost his wig, for tit was taken from his head, it must have been done—if not im y under his nose—almost immediately over his nose, which would seem to us a very adroit process to have been performed by a thief Without detection. Possibly the learned judge may ge been se lost in the contemplation ef some abstract one before he was aware of what was or Be Rew off, over head; or, it may have happened, |

| Flent in the midst some excessively 1 Of counsel, his | lordship may have sped off when lus wig might have dropped off | W* | by the force of : | “We sincerely hope missing wig may be restored to its high man. So eee ee » fine judicial orehead may a ag the Temple of Justice. We camot bear to think that the honoured horsehair which so recently reposed on the | head of an AuoeRson should form the stuffing of some iguoble couch, | or descend to the seat of some wretched cab, whose driver may be an habitual violator of that law of which the late possessor of he desecrated wig is one of the brightest ornaments, |" a ws |

A Mistake about the Rite. Aw advertisement ‘inthe ‘Times, addressed to Parish Clerks, offers a | guinea for the “ Baprrssrat, Reorster” of Aworro Louis Levy. It | isto be feared that the certificate of Min. Levy's Japtism is not to be | had for any money. i

IMPERIAL DEVOTION. Caan Nicnowas is so devout, they say, His Majesty does*nothing else than prey.

A Berlin Muff. Tue pusillanimous.eonduct of the Kixe or Prussia at the present ?—~ appears to r= anapprehension that the Czar will eat him Bat*this fear exhibits his Prussian | 2

as a4 ei tae licks ch soe ten Goren, | ART-PINERY, A 300K has been with the title of “Dress as a Fine Art.” | We hope this work: not reeonmend ladies to embellish themselves by painting.

eee lamp, and we must + that the genius of the wig will rr spee sdily restore to the judicial head that mountainous pile af ‘horsehair — constitutes the summit of judicial wisdom—the crowning pomt of justice. Je must, however, ong oe marge against the paltry estimate that has ‘been | deepty put n the value of fear ape’ of the judge’s office, an Pe inliguaniiy repudiate the’ ed under-valuation of the ae : of Banon Atpenson ; for, fone of our best judges is to be rated at | (that in a a realised. AMERICAN PARTNERSHIP.

~F ie F

ALL lf zee

scnienetiien as to wisdom, which iswaid ‘to ee less ¢

with her laws, her liters The Americans will help us fight the Battle of Freedom if need <& hile, we ws their ~ wishes. So far from in the meanw

melined to molest us with privateers, their tse are “80 ea wit | our cause that we may venture to the nature of a a speculation in which they t join us, able men in the , to ae we trust, our SE ype will be seen by no manner of means a notion. + og tarage we would offer, more particularly for the —— we of that distin- ‘age individual, is that of raising a sum of money sufliciently murchase the Esrzron Nionoras of the Russian nation, | which A no doubt, in a short time be glad to sell him, We snaps that the amount required enemas. Indeed Ser mgeree, igrhen they to} get rid of some little <a to will — + a figure for ther © pretty ble , : ‘bought “NrosoLas at a vile — show him, as an Britain and ‘the ‘Union, after which he hibited at Constanti whereby there is every just reason 10 believe yar te Semele fr would be Everybody would world—a monster greater a the Missouri Serpent. Wedo hope this project will degree of opulence elevate {0 be direatou is one of the most remar! att REE eee

the Bdinlnngh and (Quarterly the curious habit ty have af reading things notice that whenever the Members have _— = very heavy in hand whieh it is impossible for them to get through, it is generally ordered “to he read thie day three mont which, in plain English, never intend to read it at

Mr. Curupp has made it correspondence, that whether he ean pick a "ot ty es vry whl ang @ quarrel, to-them an-undertaking’in — against the even 5g

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And take it out in Kala-fat. ) ee of Russian hides we fal}, } su 4 Le*’s give the Ramone for al b A taste of British hide-ing Ea | Weakins ad meant | Ask a woman to do you a service, and she Chorus (of nice young Ladies). “Ou! of ALL and or 41, I wever! Isn’r IT THE) considers how she ean best acconiplish what you. DARLINGEST, SWEETEST, PRETTIEST, LITTLE DEAR DARLING DARLING! On! pip rou Ever!!”"|wigh Ask @ man, and he considers how he Solo (by horrid: plain-spoken Boy). “Hu! J minx 1v’s_a Nasty, UGLY Lirrne Beast, rom | can best make ns appreciate his intention to ALL THE WORLD Like a Cat On « Monkey.” [ Sensation. | serve you. THE SAUSAGE MAKING MANIA. RAW MATERIAL OF BARRISTERS. Tue British sausage has always been a mystery to us, anda mystery| As all the good things whieh can be created by Act of Parliament we have felt no melinatien to go nto. The British sausage has, in our | (and a good many acts look as if ‘stich had been their chief eyes—for we have usually int. it out of our mouth—been a compound, | object) are given to Barristers, the least can do, in | in which our imagination has pictured the possibility of those who have return for so much kindness, is to keep themselves decent and led literally a “cat and oe Rife,” being lended together at last in| respectable. But they do not think so, appatently. ‘Hear one of their silent’ amon. A new has recently been ps a upon the sausage | own number, who is just now eloquent. on the subject. by an advertisements seem .to show that there is some : rather close connection the British sausage and the British Ba yan: = ray vat one eee hong pain is aoe ab tte tee Lion. We oad often the Proteetionists of the decease of | Benchers. Not long ago it came out at a trial at Met Prius in London, that a hosier | that hich! beast,” thoagh we suspect that the creature they was a member of one of the Inns of Court. I believe there are a good | nobler animal. "This must be the supposed lion alluded to in the an | eit a | nexed advertisement as having “gone off” into sausage-meat. | And the writer adds, that more than one whose r_ hare,” the difficulty of complying with the hint “‘ifst catch your lion.” If made has tak the matter h h that gentleman will make no bones, i of some wholesome substance, it will indeed be a boon, and we can’t Leven “ft “” oF dh | 116 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON _CHARIVARI. Ri. SHAKESPEARE BELLOWS. as ot ee his Memeirs edited b pa noble fri Lene _ 4. Russeti.—if ie jo, or whether he will or not, allow us to call for | have OUR ACCOUNT WITH THE CZAR. Tue war with Russia, Will render searce our cae. Let ’s make it up some other way, 1 of our profession keeping shops in London. A few years since an inspectér patronisec ts c that maine was an inferior brute in.the skin of the | \eocaliedtotheba’ Ee Be ge the Law ‘we follows an occupation too vile to be even hin HOME-MADE SAUSAGES. Mr. Punch Of course there are excuses for everything in this THE NOISELESS LION SAUSAGE-MAKING MACHINE, MINCE- barrister-confectioner might say, that ike many of his J i ; MEAT, and VEG ‘AULE CUTT aa worked in the Great Exhibition, had his eye upon Parliament ; that a restaurant was the French Dublin, and shown in dmatitutions. It was inspected and parronised by the Lond-Lisurasaae ov St.,Geamanrs, and several other ladies a * re vagy d and 7 selling the exe of the bul i prevent of distinction, on and effective working... It makes no noise, | MS having the ear 0 e Cour vagels ' is not dangerous (the enclosed) the meat (put in in pieces of two inches fl ppant, would probably tirge, that thoagh has was a fi for is ont ke - — skins at > rate Ae 2g per state | by the r mall Ul stockings, selling stockings could. net be to the ig (a joke } t alse vegetables soup mize oO as: and cut bread for feecnenent, hc. aaa . Iteam be werkef tn counter, dresser, or table, ana | Which ought to raise Hosier’s Ghost), and t with a smirk, he ’ in appearance is would very likely ask, “what was” the next — ” of indictment against him. And as for the barrister-policeman, he would, in his own | Now, we presume, it is not sagt on any one who uses this | opinion, be just the man, not only to move the Court, bat to make it | machine, to use it Lion Sausages, inasmuch as the o id keep moving. But these reasons would fail to satisty Mr. Punch that confectioners, hosiers, and policemen aré proper persons to become basristers and receive Government appointments, and as Mr. Narren would naturally sucgest the machine can available in producing a home made sausage not even “ Napier’s bones,” of dealing with it vigorously. oe surprised’ that even the "CoUNTESS OF Sr. Germans and other ladies of distinction have — an jnterest in its working. As the — = machine is “ornamental,” itis probably intended to become an article of furniture ; and if the ve ladies of distinction ” begin to take it up as The Money Market. | a “hobby,” we shall _ 2 ane = making ” taking its turn| Mn. Brrerzess is delighted at the ates Sage “ Law for f with crochet Mery 1, fashionable female industry. For | the Abolition of Settlement” as it will enable him, he says, 77S meet [ our own parts, if a lady "end wee ‘to offer he r services to make us | with a much better face his creditors when th = as they [ either a sausage OF an anti-macassar , we should say at once “ Give us | will keep doing, for the payment of their “ oe Dusvr a sausage.’ we are told, is equally delighted. . ry Ww D ad & as, tnd ow Pr Linen ta Lombard Street la tha Bretinst of Wilsahinns,1e the Chey of Loud arn Pub takec by ecm ob Nes oo Fides Suoeeh nue Perth ef Be Dibiee tetas Gi et baeionsSareceen Mee

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SRG SRF SERPS SRB ESS a ee ver" o, a a! F ten Pe bee Me te ed Be ot te PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. DINNER” DEBATES. * TAXES ON KNOWLEDGE. E are sorry to see that some Mem- (Suggaated by « Suferer.) bers of the House ber’a. @ poet, and spouts his latest of Commons have Ronsense every b nec f° op , greengrocer, while you with your wasting the time of the count {as i, : an violinist, who unhappily in existence were u ; ae Tey you ’ve enough for his. a the purpose), and the precedent has been set of ask an explanation what Ministers may have said at ir Though» pri vate ay gt Seas Tar ites he to uke retinas sober nk ” days, him to take pot-luck with you.—WNote. The tax in ra Spam ee lively friend Pat- MERSTON—who, like Punch, Loup Broveu am, and nearly all other| Lastly, knowing an artist of the severely classic school, pvt because | great characters, combines an abundance of wit with an ample share of| ou happen unluckily to have given your eountenanee to the Moustache ; wisdom—has offence to Ma. Bricut, whose name seems at | ovement, insists on loading you with chains as a model for varianee with his charaeter, for having made a few jokes at a dinner C ABACTACUS, | where he, the me Secretary, presided as chairman. The Noble | —————— oe —~ —— — | Lord was not sufficiently lugubrious on the festive oceasion to suit the | melancholy humour—or want of humour—which distinguishes the | Member for Manchester. According to Ma. Baicur’s notion, nothing | ought to have ee but the decanters, and the Chairman should | have assumed all the solemnity of an undertaker, on the dismal occa- sion that had pm the company together. If Mr. Bucur is| correct in his idea. of how. the recent dinner at the Reform Club | should have been conducted, there ought to have been a CuapsBanp for a Chairman and a Pecxswirr for a Vice. If the sort of questions that the Puritans of Parliament have set an example of are to be persevered in, we may expect something like , following notices. in the paper of the Legislative business of the Maz. Frewcn to ask Lonp Jous Russewt whetlier it is true that he : Lorp Joun Russe, just — going to bed, on Wednesday last, | with a cold, did, or did not, call out to some one who was resent, | “ Just give us our gruel ;” ‘and whether he spoke those words with | reference to our present position with regard to Russia, and whether the words may be considered as an admission of weakness, intending to imply that any foreign power is likely to subdue us, or “to give us 1,” in a certain slang sense, in which the words are generaily | | Ma. Moors to ask whether it is true that, at a dinner lately given | in the neighbourhood of Lincoln’s Inn, a report was mentioned to be | in circulation that a certain Judge of the Court of Queen’s Bench has | his feet frequently im hot water, and whether any judge who is continually in hot water ought not to be removed. a a Dersy to ask the Eant or Cianzypon whether he} to the publisher of “What shall we have for) Dinner ? 7 or any other Fg aro at any time a peculiar method of making a Cabinet whether it is with the sanction of his | colleagues that at elma secrets of the Cabinet are disclosed. The Kant or Crawnicanpe to ask the Ean. or Apenvezy whether | it is true that an orange in quarters was handed by the Premier to the | French Spgs a4 at a dinner at the former’s Aa Cede’ and whether the | incident w: ve of any understanding between the French | nad English Faas ts as to giving or taking quarter im the im-| pen war ; ’ Py inphye to ask we omer of the Government whether | PUNCH’S THEATRICAL PORTRAIT GALLERY. any dinner at w any one of them recently been present, any Mr. Nicholas Romanoff as “ The Outlaw of Europe.” observation has been made.on any NesseLnzope Pudding which might | v be bees I in an ee ws the Minister of a Great Power with Ww we are not yet openly at war. ane Gaer to ask the Dexe or awe are te pa at seins Tho Moustache a dee : w three Ministers w soe preet, @ wiof Punch was introdu is venom Got ab feo ouigne op Se coast, following and whether the confidences then exchanged, were communicated a! sw other natives in Hen Masesry’s dominions, intend, through the Punch im question, to its celebrated namesake in Fleet | for the future, adding the moustache to the beard they have been | Street. | hitherto in the habit only of wearing. VOL. XXVI. N wee tant eS RB 8 Ei EE. Us.

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* is)

f | but somehow rae find you . set paper press. PUNCH, OR T HE LA 118

that way. By Jove, what with paying footmen to listen at musicians for watching at balls, seeretaries for duplicates of secret des- patches, valets for getting under sofas to hear conversations and cribbing letters dropped in iressing rooms, and what with bribing a few other people who get into confidences, those news = my Lords, that should shrink of my ¢ Soverei LS | Lord Brougham inpationtly). Confound yon, , there’s no one else to hear you, and 't talk that bosh to us. You are waiting for _ = spring at the es > Lord Derby. “ If England will.” Lord Campbell. But she won’t. However, run to win, as you would say, and for once ee | You have told us a what base means you sup- | nah i mighty b ye its aes | ou know t hat press upon | the mind of millions, whom it counsels, excites, wy empmeen ~~ mean to be Premier, —s et the people o England see, quite so c iv, | the contempt and loathing in whieh you, as # | honourable man, must hold a nation w trusts | to such a press. Lord pen Just so. Lorp Dersy, having an honourable min per ae a nation swayed by a dishonourable press. Lord Derby. That is pressing the matter too | ae at any rate needlessly. Lord ee Magee is : ge fe be. of | the hoo honour ra its | "| putting 4 that the nation, oul © press, must despise— may we not put t the lights out hells their Lordahige. | |

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Wwe ey > , On Bev re were SPee ee ee Sat eary &s 248 6 @9 &. 7 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAR Had the Statesman marked his nation ott Exe the euodioutn, Goal y closing, i i Shudder to the rending flash, Of the yet subtle min Ere a world holds — yy Of a heart all ov i To the thunder-crash : With fasting in be Eindh Hear, from seat of judgment, Speak of honour—trust—and frankness, Words true—the best— ‘Of a hand preventing need, Ah !—the words are stifled, And of whisper from the gi And a noble heart hath rest ! Mihing beonty rich inioole Dead! He should have died hereafter, Then w he Time had come for such a word, | ~ faction’s turmoil, When the day of fight was over, To the Thinker’s And the triamph-bells were heard. To the earnings of his Statesman—Minister of Justice— | How cant and a of oo = seeded Kiend, = his onward course in —might he not have tarri he felled and chained Seen our conflict to an end ? = | ot and crush invading might ; themselves to own its sway, i Bac te ey ike ice Wrobel wil eee . vi of the Rig: wi 5 indli ” eo Had the oppress'd one’s Friend beheld us Then imperie his Pot eee af Raise the weak—dash down the strong, Nay—that record be his own— 4 Then, prey the Poet’s utterance Little reeks true bard of memory Te ed in glowing song. | Passing with a sculptured stone. 4 Other was the dread decretal, Ire licet. Battle’ 8 signal ; Life and Death obey their Lorn, Sullen booms o’er sea and plain. - F And the golden bow! 1s broken, Wake ye at that fatal reg nna) H And the silver cord. Fabled Choosers of the Slain : : In the hour when Duty Who, beside our red-cross banner, To her task was wed, Falls, its foremost champion there— = » Pleading for the poor and nee dy 3 Flinging down a life, and winning { Tatrourn’s gentle spirit fled. Name that Time himself shall spare ? Hh What is left to those who mourn him ° Gallant heart! But happier, nobler, ; When the last sad rite is paid, Hold the doom ’twas his to meet, | When—but not with hopeless sorrow— Who,—declaring Heaven’s own message— - Earth in earth is humbly laid. Died upon the a a seat, Call his image from the marble, eo) 7 lip that holy lesson Let the rich memorial tell : his life had taught, he — How he earned the love we bore him, « He elp the humble help the That we loved him long and well. Hee wits Love.” de Tcsoume died ! } PARLIAMENT AND THE PRESS. |THE AFTER DINNER SPEECH AT THE LMPROVEMENT BD ery prog: has lately been in a state of much fermentation on the CLUB. of the Press—not because the Press fails in its duty, but because | (Reported literally.) oes its duty too well. The Press undertakes to obtain information | for the public, and Parliament is angry at the information being | Weti—now—my lan fren’—S’ C Napier ’s goin’ obtained by the Press before it abe TA ears of statesmen, who | t’ th’ Baltic. Why’ s ¥ HABLESNAPIER gO _ ane. th” Baltic? Tell nalists. Legislators grow indignant over the matter and begin to ask | good srash’n. (Loud swee! & Seah Payr (en's goin’ who can have been betraying “ state secrets,” as though all information sh’ Baltic. ‘ Brayvo, must come from official quarters, and can only be obtained by official | Norrawar! ; j corruption. The Press, however, prefers an honourable reliance on its myhonangallan fren’ ‘ae war soon as fa in a Baltic. Get into are beaten occasionally in the race of intelligence by the public jour-| you why’s goin’ to Balt—hic! st oy eta oH UssiA dusa- 3 : 37 »& own ability and energy io. dagieding dobhle in the slough of official — give my honannangal fren’ * to clar’ war, (7% ous venality which the Legislature supposes to exist. heers.) Leave evryshing to fren’. Only lem get | ' Tt turns out, however, that i? ph placemen really wished to sell the safeintobaliae. Zshen you'll see she’m Yersoon bring | | information derived through their official opportunities, they have not Zawemrna Nicw’Las to’s senses, sl? old yagabon’s navy | | the article to e of, inasmuch as Downing Street is not always so "boutisears like — = ‘awkes Housacommons an’ | | well informed as ing House Square. The journalist often knows | Fifshanovemba, ¢ applause.) ‘Tshen\’men, here's ali your | what is going on, though the statesmen will only know it when the | ve healts ! La a eee aaa i n fren’s any event self and its Se oery may be going off. It is quite legitimate for | health! “For he’s whch low (Chorus y the own ignorance as much as they please, whole of the company, amid w: hight Hon. t IDL yp hy — ph nd ee one Post Office News. _= 2 — Ba gl mee | Snvcz the departure of the Russian Embassy from Chesham Place, baad - Baron Baunow’s letters are all refused ae ae he Sines ante A New Parewt.—A Patent has been taken out to extract the them back to St. Martin’s-le-Grand with the red ink mscription— Spirit from Salmon, as it has been found from long experience, to be “Gone away. Address not known. By Borla: the cause of all the headaches which are carried home from dinner parties. Camus ov Praawe—The Uknsse of the Eurzzos or Ruse.

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Ne 6 9 NY ert — a y ” GRIP A A: > ¢ Lhd YW (AFTER A GREAT DEAL OF COAXING AND PERSUASION, MasTeR Tom IS PREVAILED UPON wt ‘ sailor, that he has. as his late at | PAY HIS QUARTERLY visit TO THE Dentist. INCONSIDERATE AND VULGAR Steeet Boys | this Reform Club testifies, been half seas over UNFORTUNATELY PASS AT THE MOMENT HIS OBJECTIONS ARE OVERCOME). First Inconsiderate Street Boy. “Ou crikgy! IF HERE AIN’T A CHAP GOIN’ TO HAVE A Grinper our. My rye, wHat Fanos!” Second Tnconsiderate Do. do. “Ou, I wWouLpN’r BE IM, Won’? THERE NEETHER /” = = a — eS _ eT T A VERY AGGRAVATED ASSAULT. A Yerocious looking person who | gave the name of NicHoas, and was utderstood to be largely concerned in the Rus- sian business, was brought to the bar of public opinion, charged with the following | very aggravated assault :—~ The complainant, whose name was CIVILISATION, and who seemed to be suffering | considerable pain from the} brutality. of the defendant, | stated that she had known} him some years, and that he had gertans to entertain for her the sincerest feelings of + -fmendship and respect. He had for some time past be- haved towards her with great - br 5 trampling her fre- | quently under his feet, and | assuming a menacing attitude _ towards any le mem- | ber of her said a} word in *her™ Her | friend Br and « her} respectable nex’ nei bour, France, had felt so! disgusted at the scandalous scenes that had been acted, that they | had remonstrances to the Defendant, who replied some- times by fal and sometimes by insolence, = last it was determined to endeavour to protect poor suffering Civinisation by force. Not content with his own violence, he had endeavoured to | persuade two other rather doubtful characters to join him in his | outrage on Crvmmisation, but they feared to become his accomplices, | [And, of course, Master Tom relapses into his previous very obstinate state. thing to rise. been so | believing he could not be in his right mind. | } | muvVIV A LANDLORD’S BOROUGH. Tne printed report of the Tynemouth Com- mission as some earnestness Rs ara respecting the constituency of that borough, of whose whole jon one-seventh consists of publicans; and. as each of these is a host in him- self, the whole must exert a great influence | in elections. To this particular class of electors it ap that: the practice of corruption is limited, being, however, carried amongst them, to a quite unlimited extent; so that the only publie spirit to°which these publicans ean make any pretence;/ may’be said to be gin; to which disfranchisement “might be added, by way of bitters. The twoeandidates are found'to have | , paid £900 between them for colours and rosettes, | which, however brilliant, resolve themselves, | evidently, into W of the blackest dye. The | election ex each are stated to have | amounted er to £2,500. Pocket Boroughs were nearly done away with by the first Reform Bill, whieh, however, has left untouched many i|| . such places as T- which may be called Out-of-Pocket Boroughs., Caticuta made his horse a consul.:. if anybody has a jackass that he would wish to send to.Parliament, let him get the donkey to st ‘or nouth at aeost of between twovamd, 8 “ admiral Ir has often been complained that the Lords of the Admiralty have no ical acquaintance with nautical affairs. obody, however, can i is so far a Auways Dx.s Staru or Feawent.—The most revolutionary article is bread, for, on the least BE A SCR-E-W-4U-N-CH | romour of an outbreak, itis invariably the first though he so intimidated them that they wavered a gocd deal, and at last promised to stand by and say nothing.’ In reply to some questions that were to her, poor CrvriisaTIon said that she had-done nothing she was-aware of-to offend Nicnoxas, unless it was by.showing some sym for a poor old Turk, whom he wes bullying il-treating, besi to break up an Ottoman, which the Complainant wished to preserve. It further appeared that the Defendant had made use of the most rofane and blasphemous language, and indeed his conduct altogether fad unreasonable and vi ’ that there was some ground for After some ‘further to the ‘sane effect, it was adjudged that Nicwotas should be brow for t on a future occa- sion, and that ha — time should be bound over in very heavy sureties to the - As he refused to fiid the sureties required, lip'was ordered to be locked up, and ‘was Jeft inthe eustody of that able officer, “Old CnaAxktey,” who confident/y undertodk to lock him up forthwith. SS - —— MONEY ORDERS MADE EASY. Mvcn# excitement has been caused by the appearance of the subjoined newspaper paragraph : s “ Mowzy Oxpers.~On the Ist ot April and thenceferwamd, increased facilities will be afforded in procuring Money Orders, and obtaining . t of them when such — payment is made through a bank. The Postmaste: has directed that some of the precantions required for the security ef ordinary Momey Orders shall, in these cases, be dispensed with.” m2 Bankers, we understand, will be enabled to procure Money Orders | for their customers for the mere aking, The Postmaster-General has | even authorised the dispensation with: the egy em of requiring a | These arrangements, | WONG deposit of the amount payable by the ‘order. however, will not port — the day above . It is not true that the Post Office will grant Money Orders after the | lst of April. “Donz to Racs.”—Austria paying in Paper-money. |

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> | i lll Tern ae Cc eae & Hd r iY r L TOV S Ad > T > Z — po © = fr ics = Cc 2 — a) > mt — =. & we) pad a 7 ‘, RNY ee / mii i UL i : A Digs NY ANY Ni a i Din. shit SBT Aone TERR rn ee.

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_PUNCH, _OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

THE BEAR IN MR. PUNCH’S MENAGERIE. BY THE KEEPER. HERE he is, ladies and gen- tlemen! Let me direct | your attention to that | gigantic and bulky ke-| vodruped, the Rooshan Bear. This hinterestin’ but ill lookin’ speciment | of Natural Istory is, as his name paplien, an in- abitant of the North of Europe: in which do- | minions the Lion bein unknown, he is looked | upon by the unappy and | ignorant natives as the King of Beasts. In dis-| sition, howsomdever, ne by no means re- — the ge | mMagnanimity 0 that a pertkin’ of his natur’ im’ of the) eraft and cunnin’ of the : the malice of the | the fiereeness and woracity of the larfin’ iena. you, ladies and gentlemen, is well known. trusted. m | eas is treacherous | i ; vidjle.of the genius. ears to then awaitin’ his oppor- | slier than a cat ’ a mouse. | ities with so | 5, whereby | | hape or and he he om He is better known a | He tunity co wa i | In we meanwhile — is | | much art as to impose upon decei | experienced judges have led into the mistake of supposin’ of him | Pay wepelelllilipier. vee of the hinsidjus:character of | the Rooshan Bear I ope ladies Let ctametot Contecte hindup lip eonrdions snturin on th azardous md > ‘perinasat ha been tried by ¢ ee a who is said I : ; but I ave not yet eerd 3 Howrang | of Minsk, whose hacks | is ee —— ire comment. Sopeedaiio Rassia, the Bear of that country extends mea ra depredations into the adjinin’ territories im all direc- pn as ve a = he possible can. Being sometimes resisted by the he is forced to beat a retreat, and take to his pape in his ear, and a sore ed, wich as been more than es inflicted by the renowned Scuamyt, the Lion Watuis of }, ircassia, The diet of the Rooshan Bear consists mostly of the witals of the nation, or in , which he is purwided with under the influence of fear by the Rooshian serfs, to satisfy his mawr. Peraps you'll be of opinion that = as demeans themselves to carry ’im is wissera is a sort of creechurs that ain’t fit for no better employment. For want of proper offal this here hanimal have. been Ric ine into Turkey, which bein’ “4 L. - for him, he is now sufferin’ from indigestion. of the Rooshian Bear is usially morose and sullen, inter- rupted ber fits of rage and ; when he goes down on his marrow- bones and turns his eyes up into his ed growlin’ me — and showin’ his teet =: paler uae ty One aot tole ful to relate. Of late this has so furious that _ have resolved to chain | and muzzle him, whieh, th a service of danger and difficulty, we shall endeavour to accompli hundeterred by peril and regardless of ex shall now, ladies and gentlemen, proceed to exibit some highdear of this hanimal’s ferocity, by means of stirrin’ him up with a long Pole ; a Pole m his flank bein’, as you will observe, a sort of thing as rs him particklarly cantankerus

A Conrversationat Truts.— Women never tire of talking about babies, and men about horses. but | Tue Empree or toe Ocuan.—Nicuoas rules tae Serfs ; | Briraywia rules the Waves. An . REET Suspicious Casz.—A Case of London New-Laid | the no THE FARMER AND HIS FRIEND. Wan & vad he Lage Ue as blows ther cha’ fd one feller’ Of whiek diearentiin the ony In this here disturbance ’tween - i we. No grain from Odesser be now to come in,' Which zo fur is having Purtection agin, And happy’s the varmer that’s held on his carn, And has a good store in his rick and his barn. The rest of the people will think it severe That bread and purvisions in general is dear ; But what other business zoever may At laste Agricultur’ is now cock-a-whoop ! Not only is but bezides The dettond' ie nara ee for taller and hides ; You wun’t zay that breedin’ cattle ’s a sin, Now there ‘s sich w call for t fat and the skin, The Emr’nor o’ Rooswer there*sgum as do cuss ; here ’s many as wishes death to’un, and wus, But I, for ay pot, wo oles malice wun’t bear, And ’t hate my enemy quite like that ’ere. Zo soon to his ‘count I doan’t want the chap sent ; Naw, gie un due laishur and time to repent Repent, in the end, I do trust he ll be made ; The later the better for our line o’ trade. Meanwhile here ’s his health—as the Parson was as’t To drink much the zame when the bottle was pass’d — py week Annee nae then why should we stick long life—not suecess—to Oip Nick ? RUGBY VINDICATED. Ruasy has for some time stood high among public Schools, and we are delighted to find that nothing has occurred to throw any ome ot its character. A report, ae ee tone oan | had been Istely : but we have received some letters from the School that are {ohhh honourable to the writers, and convince us that the public opinion Rugby is in a wholesome condition. The letters are no anonymous and abusive diatribes but sensible communications from young j men who, writing in their own real names, Te me in manly and mode- | rate terms a Saat Re epeetios het has been done to Rugby by the ere pe Seed which it ee meses though allowed to pass | WwW reer to ai to Rugby al Bm cin reparati for th e ion we can for the injustice poe hangs ving undue credence to an unanswered report ina — reAakc id ed The wasiisats of the tele ty ne so. not much himself, and our , while poh contem: Sag the cowardice of the two boys who set woe fhe one, contend do not warrant the the version that has been given. This aike-orvemene —has, it been traced to some | one who pte ag against viet the School. frie having been once turned “<= The le we have received are manfull written, and we c pape elegy of the writers, that OT Te” if any does ex! to, and utterly abhorrent to the feelings of the bi older boys,” whose ideas were “never more oe and healthy than th now are" onthe subject of schoo the ‘act which called forth e are glad to be informed that t our remarks was rt, nevertheless “ the grossly in pm ie of the cia oa agains the peeps ¢, = who, we are were m og t Master, hep the cana die Meal Me an glad to be able to nautes a but the two original hold hav and we regret tat mised ie iy athe te of by we shoul ve expressed a doubt is not a better security for the Aer of a public schoo ithe the sort ~~ yh feeling which seems to exist at Rugby—a We hope that Rugby i is creditable alike to the Boys and the Masters, no means a solitary instance of its kind ~ indeed, we have reason to know that, in many of our public schools r are beginning to pur over the baser elements.

A Cup of Kindness. To cement the alliance with for the good of the lic, forever | the revenue—let it France, may a glass (er as pony he as for the good af ne + on = gg the at a

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a | lapereau a la financiére indicate the straits to which Russia will soon 124 __ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | SENTIMENT IN COOKERY. | THE UNION JACK AND THE TRICOLOR. ‘ | on the reason assigned at the end; Tue Union Jack and Tricolor are waving side by side, | of this article, our dining-out Con-| W here France and England’s fleets upon the Euxine billows ride, tributor has sent in his resignation.| ‘Their two flags never thus have flown since famous days of yore, | { We dispatched him as our repre-- When ours was not the Union Jack, nor theirs the Tricolor. sentative to the recent Reform Club Banquet, and the exciting, To win the holy Sepulchre, beneath the Eastern sky, dishes served up by the successor, id then the golden lilies with our English lions fly, of the illustrious Soyer, so wrought! True Christian from false Paynim to defend was then our work, ae ray e: that— muh shall ”Tis now against false Christian to protect the faithful Turk. tell the tale in hisown words : ‘* a , pre sut larger is the canse wherein our banners are unfarled, _ the turtle and spring soup were Free thought, free speech, just government ; the freedom of the world, delicious, and we threw ourselves; Not riests’, but man’s crusade to t, our ensigns now advance, back in an attitude of calm enjoy-| The fnion Jack of England and the Tricolor of France. ment, en ra ag ey op ‘ rhe Hoek very good). Askedforsalmon,, Well met, ye noble standards! and never rt ; and waiter inquired whether 1) May you ; always emblems of the Freneb and English heart. would have ¢ranches de saumon en ‘To those united colours true, we trustfully may fight ; matelole marinicre? This dish,as| Thus let the Right assert itself, and Heaven will help the Right. | we afterwards found, was the intro- duction of the theme—an allusion to the maritime character of the entertainment, the profession of the chief guest, and the nature of the service on which he was to proceed. Not bad. (Sparkling Moselle not bad, either.) Mournful reflections caused by appearance on table of dix poulardes 4 la Newtson. Company evidently much affected, and tears im several eyes at the painful reminder of the death of our greatest naval hero, and the possible fate of him whom we were enter- taining. (The poulardes very delicate eating, but provocative of thirst—Champagne). Gloom dispersed. Soizante entrées disclose a bold attempt to hit off the principal features of the Eastern quarrel. Diz épigrammes @agneau aux pointes d’ Asperges refer without doubt to the Wolf and the Lamb fable as layed over again by Russia and Turkey; and it requires no very keen perception to discern that diz salmi de bécasse & la Richelieu with an equal number of boudins de be reduced for want of the sinews of war, and that the ministerial financier of that country will require the genius of a KicneLtey to acquit himself of his functions creditably. (Champagne soon palls ; f; ull back to Hock, which is certainly fine.) Then follow the vingt rdfs, and dishes of canards sauvages convey no far-fetched allusion to the wild hordes whom the Czar is now gathering together to oppose to the | armies of the West. “We come next to Soirante entreméts. At the sight of cing pouding a la diplomate, cannot but indulge in inextinguishable laughter at this too evident indication of the failure of the Menscutxorr mission (1 drink to Stratrorp pe Repciiere); and cing Charlotte Prussiennes | au Marasquin, followed immediately by cing Turbands de Meringues aur pistaches, convey—even to those unacquainted with kitchen French— profound and unmistakable reference to Prussian vacillation and the warlike scenes te eee 7 = ‘y- I pledge oom ———————————————————————————————————— twice in the king o wines. ut it is for the last course that the | see é 2 : ] : artiste of the Reform Club Rw his highest flight of sentiment. | LITERAL TRANSLATION OF AN L0O.U. Cing gdteaur Britanniques a 0 Amiral excite in my too susceptible bosém (By one who holds some hundreds of them.) an enthusiasm which cannot wait for mere formal appeals from the | 3 esha chair. Quaffing off a special bumper of Burgundy, I raise a murmur) I 1s the person who gives the L.0.U. for a certain debt. of ‘ Bravo, Caaruey !’ which is hushed down by cold-blooded men on | , O stands, in the language of figures, as well as figurative language,. | either side, But here a mild, benevolent-looking waiter deposits before for Nauglit. atic oan! gael z z me a dish of unwonted proportions. In a voice rendered thick by the U is the person who, in his “ee receives the 1.0.U.. emotions just called up, I inquire what are its contents, when, reading lhe plain meaning, therefore, of the transaction is, that direetly an from the carte, coldly and unimpassionedly, the waiter replies, ‘ Cing .O.U, passes hands, there is literally nothing—that is, O—standing bombes glacés a la St.Jean-f Acre? 1 have just time to drink off a) between I and U, ’ : s glass of the nearest wine (which happens to be some iced and very And we doubt not that if the history of a thousand L.0.U’s. could be | pleasant Chablis); and then, sinking back from before the awful Jomdes ascertained, the above would be found to be the literal translation of glacés, and having vividly before my eyes the fate of the powder maga- least nine hundred and ninety-nine out of them. zine of St. Jean d’Acre, I lose all consciousness. Not to presume too err | long, Sir, upon your attention—I was conveyed to a cab by a posse of i when a ge | waiters, and a racking head-ache all next day attested Parsonic Practice of Physic. i the powerful effect which this sudden shock had upon my frame. It is x 4 , . to avoid the possibility of any future painful effects of this kind in the Wur the Clergy advocate Homeopathy is a cireumstance which a exercise of my vocation that I am compelled, unwillingly, to ask of you Dr. Grirritu Jones professes to explam in a book written by him. | to accept my resignation.” | The reason why the Clergy advocate Homeopathy, we should think, | jis, because the Clergy do not understand Medicine. They think to , | cure diseases by infinitesimal globules in consequence of having merely | Improvement at the Admiralty. |a clerical notion of acure. It is not, perl too much to say that. | Ou t inst th sane ue tedoffic ithis is what may be denominated a clerical error. No doubt the | JuRremonstrances agains’ the appointment of supperannuated officers | Clergy ought to practise as well as preach; but their practice ought to | to important posts in the Navy, have not, we are happy to find, been be one in conformity with the precepts of Christianity, and not in | without effect. The newspapers have gratified us with the announce- opposition to the parish doctor — y | ment that the mastership of the Baltic fleet has been given to Master! , _ “ene Georcr Bropuecomse. We trust that Master Bioptzcomse will) ee ee ee justify the coufidence which has been reposed in him, and will approve) Weartne Arparri.—The tailor whose suit lasts the longest is a Laswell a brave and a steady boy. tailor in Chancery. } | | | } > he fetes Oe heel oo a oo

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PUNCH, IT’S ALL OWING TO THE WAR! S the Reform Bill has been post- poned in consequence of the war, we know numerous in- stauces of persons, who, fol- lowing the example of Lorp Joun, have availed themselves of a similar exeuse for deferring several other cases of intended reform. Several officers have been compelled to leave without settlmg their bills. The war engrossed all their attention— ‘) they had not time to attend to them, A family of distinction, re- siding in Pentonville, does not in this season, giving its usual parties, which were the resort and admiration of all Pentonville. How is it pos- sible for people to dance with 1 over their a hr] ness Juyxins, of Ely Place, has put down her one horse- killer. With a war, likely to imerease the price of every- | thing, it is best to hegin economising at once. | The Lions for the vacant in Leicester Square have been | sent back to the ical atéher whence they came. Though per- feotiy inh highly injudicious to put them up during a time of war. The City Corporation had serious intentions of reforming themselves, but the commencement has been deferred until the war is over. The British Museum had intended pushing on most vigorously the | completion of their catalogue ; bat as a period when Burope is on the eve of being convulsed with a general war is-not the best adapted for such a — undertaking, the intention has’ been indefinitely postponed, There was a distant talk of the creditors of the Duke or York | receiving a part payment of their claims; but the war has put a stop vo everything of thie kind. The liberation of the political prisoners in France has been postponed | for a similar reason. The Morning Herald, suddenly awake to the absurdity of its Second Editions, which only it into ridiculous mistakes, bas come to the resolution of not printing any more Foreign Intelligence. This unhappy decision is all owing to the war. | Mr. Hupsow termined not to publish his defence until the ome a concluded. The minds of men are at present too agitated to give the proper attention to his simple statement. In the meantime bakers, butchers, tallow-chandlers, milkmen, poul- terers—all tradesmen, in short—will increase their prices, and you will see the excuse for the imerease will be invariably put down to the war, just as if war had not enough to answer for on its own account ; war is but every one seems anxious to inorease the calamity and magnify its horrors ! A BEGINNING AT ALL EVENTS. Tue inquiry into Ma. Hvpson’s life, “from the cradle up to the present moment,” has already commencedvunder the auspices of some enthusiastic friends. Success has so far attended their efforts that they have already discovered the identical “cradle” in which Mr. Hupsow was nursed. On examination, it turned out to be a “ cradle” such as is used at the Diggings. is is not an inapt beginning, forming, as it doubtless the emblematical foundation of the honourable gentleman’s prous career. It eould not have pre- sented itself in @ happier form. A small ntity of gold was still found in the eradle, and is to have formed part of the toys that Ma. Hvpsow played with in his infancy. The gold, upon being tested, was discovered to be not of the purest description. A consider- able proportion of iron was detected in it. , A Questionable Move. Te Lorp Cuancentor has brought into the House of Peers a Bill | for the transference of Testamentary Jurisdiction from Doctors’ Com- mons to the Court of Chancery. It is to be hoped that Executors and Legatees will not find this change equivalent to getting out of the frying-pan into the fire. ‘that the reason is obvious. Instead of being applied direct:y MAXIMS ON ECONOMY. (Picked up in the Bankruptey Court.) Ly those interesting annals of the cheating and the cheated, which | are recorded every day in the reports of the ptey Court, we met, on Monday the 13th, with the following suggestive paragraph, which we instantly extracted [ “A Pocket-Book was produced, which Corwr Dow had presented t him, and which contained maxims for enforcing the necessity of econonty, the reading of whileh caused much laughter in Court.” We are sorry we were not present to have joined in the amusement; | but, as we can easily imagine the nature of the information given, we beg, for the benefit of all peasons of an easy, confiding, verdant nature | to append the following CHOICE MAXIMS ON ECONOMY. (BY A FRENCH CoUNT.) A hauneh of venison upon credit is cheaper than a mutton-chop that | you have to pa a | money for. Borrow much, and lend little. This maxim may he called the Height of Econ Practise it largely, and you are sure to grow rich. _ The expensive article you can wear is a coat out of elbows. It is peg the number of odd things you never dreamt of that you will be ¢alled upon to pay in consequence of that coat ! The most economical dinner is when invite a creditor to dine with you; bat be sure you dine at Richmond, or Greenwich, or the Clarendon. Be sure the dinner is the best. When a person feels he is getting poorer and poorer, it is high time he should start his carriage.’ Never allow your faee to express what your pocket feels. the latter is pinched, the more the former should smile. ran youth would not allow one to see a was gnawing his vitals. So with you, if you ¢ the wolf out of your interior, at all events do not let the world know it. What is friendship? Too frequently the wooden handle to a bill! . e man who has many ‘friends is either a great fool, or a great nave, Cards either make the fortane of a man, or ruin him. upon whether he has money or no money. The worst extravagance 1s drinking. The man who drinks is sure to lose his head. Never put wine on the table, unless it is the card- table, and then it isn’t for you to partake of it. The more It all depends THE CLAIRVOYANCE OF NICHOLAS. (To the Editor of the Zoist.) My pean Srr, If you deem the following case worthy of insertion in Ye interesting periodical, you are quite at hi to publish it, and, in connection with it, to make use of my namé, should you think that of any consequence. ' ip NicHoLas RoMANoF?, aged 58, has fora long time given indications of mental derangement. For years it has been notorious amongst his | personal acquaintance that he believes himself to be a sort of Messiah, commissioned to extirpate infidelity and liberalism. } He is now in a state not distinguishable from sleep-walking, in which he is subject to alternate moods of and excitement. the former he expresses the most gloomy ions that people are conspiring to assassinate him ; im the latter he preaches to those about him, and interlards his homilies with | of . These are taken from the Latin Vulgste, with which it is believed to be quite impossible that he could have had any previous acquaintance. ‘This display, therefore, of a faculty apparently supernatural, causes the greatest astonishment, 2 f We, of course, know that this extraordinary manifestation of the organ of language is one of the phenomena of lucidity : though whether the patient has, m the popular sense of the phrase, any lucid intervals, may be questi L ; The cure of this ease could, no doubt, be readily aceomplished by Mesmerism. But it would be necessary to mesmerise at a distance ; for until a decided influence had been established, any near aqprosh to the patient would be unsafe. The os therefore, is to find some- body sufficiently im rapport with him for t (Lamp Aurrpers is supposed to have been so once; I wonder if he is still. asad NesseLaove has tried Turning upon Romanorr ; but finds it wee impossible to tarn bim. The Satanie theory has been proposed by some superstitions persons to account for the case; in which it is clear, however, i si0D | than that which Nicworas has taken of the Principalities. : The application of metals has not been attended with snecess ; iat ef © the

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| plunged in a state of profound | and sip Cliequot. 85, Fleet Street, March 1354. a Bear being mesmerised ! Sd Aaah abdaake + cubvieaill 7 ye paces ore dng yee gS A WHAT MRS. GRUNDY SAYS ABOUT if TROUBLES. . Tnene’s always some fantigue to vex and worrit ; Foreigners quarrel—and we suffer for it. Firstways them French kicks up a revolution ; Next all the Germans wants a constitution. ‘The’ Prassians haves a rumpus with the Danes, 7 Fighting and blowing out each other’s brains. n there’s the Ronians insurrection raising And Austria and Hungary all a-blazing. Here we ’d our Chartists and our Trish traitors, And after that the rot.in the purtators ; Then comes the Pore, who wants to take possession, A-trying on his insolent aggression. No. sooner have we squared accounts with Porgy, Than that old Niex breaks out upon Sinope, : if ie And we mast. help: the Turks, who serves Mi ahomet ; No wonder 4 day there ’s some new comet ! Se into war. they drag us, willy-nilly, pon us such expense and tronbie ! Alneedy't there’ s the Income ‘Vax made doubie. ee And how, when war has shut out Russian tallow, Shall we he off for soap, white, brown, or yailow * course "twill ruin us almost im candles ; And bristles will: be wanting for brush-handles. Plax will be scaree, which lnen’s price must bring up, And so will hemp—save every hit of string up No furs—no tippet, bow bea, muff, to warm us, ce But at a figure will be enormous. I deelare it makes me feel quite spiteful. And piteh and tar will be as dear as leather But let vinx Tar pite That's: what. E.says.as often as I waxes, Indignant at war-prices and war-taxes, Nicx puts you to-expense.and to tax:tion ; So vent: your rage on him for consolation. ' Since you must to fight him—drat and dash him !— , . | = PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL y of the mt, they (lead and steel) were brought to act on sudjects only . | wi =~ £-*-. Ee was to s hige ; whereas, whilst those subjects were| THE EXPEDITION IN SEARCH OF BERNAL crushed, mangled, mutilated, and writhing in the most dreadful agonies, NicHoLas, OSBORNE. | inecnatbility, would toast his toes at a stove I am, mprdear Sir, your inquiring reader, Bg ce OCR. of this interesting expedition. They take with them a | PS. The Bear at the Zoological Gardens was couched for cataract under the | influence of chloroform, Yet there are those who would laugh at the idea ot | the C ommittee that secured the: Oh! L’ ae eee with ’em—they ’re so silly re hides—our boots and shoes will soon be frigh Tar ?—yes, Ld tar him—that old Czar— and feather ! ° From being feathered ip ards and gates may bar him into him—hbe'll tar him. We believe that some twenty gentlemen, of strong frame | and determined resolution, have been selected to form part aan mg - provisions. They = rer R. BORNE’S Person, as) were mem te) Honourable | return at the recent election. Piensa hang Wednesday |last from Evans’ Hotel, im and, up to | Teere tine’ bolted. os ri ow oon t nd it is since re- | ceived Sees mative of that -visited district some \¥ tion, whieh will i them to retraee — simodintaly, po Oe Sa ome " iralty. It is to are on —_ and that, the expt f her we shall be in | of some happy tidings that, u us to some faith in the existence of Puseyism Put Out.’ Taz War — Russia is with the Fuseeemee ey cra iy it be a dreadful THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FATHER AND SON. Epucxp Kean was the Daal of the British Drama, and you may call Cuantes Kean the Upholsterer. | - NICHOLAS will meet SIR CHARLES NAPIER in the: | Baltic, he will hear of something to his Advantage. TO THE FELONIOUS. | ADVERTISNMENT.] -- : extract from the daily: | press of Monday, the | W3th- of March. It “The fund subseribed. for the defence of the mur- derer of Many Aww Srvun- GROWN was augmented by a donation from the Society for the Prevention of Capi- tal Punishment.” This shows that the S. for the P. of C..P. is doing its duty im no half-hearted fashion. Men differ as to the punishment of murder, some holding that ex- ample and | expiation | should be made on the seaffold, Chae believin that every. is sacred, and that the murderer should be dealt wi L; one to. bé ae | and reformed by punishment. The S. for the P. of C. P. seorn such jnarrow distinetions. The course is to help the criminal out of his scrape altogether. Give him money ,to hire barristers, and if these can bully witnesses and bamboozle j into an acquittal, ital | (and all other) Punishment is Prev in the com st way. S. for the P. of C. P. has, unhappily, not been lucky ia the case of | Moses Harto, but by the law of odds, the next ruin will have he better fortune. So send im your subseriptions, and do not do the S. for the P. of C_P. the injustice to s it is simply an_assogia- tion for re ctifying the law, whereas its much more practical object is | to assist those who would escape the law. N.B. A few smart agents wanted—those whose hair has grown again | will be preferred. Pi iy Pag with «god a good wi v2 Sm to thrash him, ; rt i T hope ahabainlt-olt taotee for his ruin. ? : Printed by William Bradbury, of 0. 13, Upper Woburn Place, ip ‘he P: rish of St. Pancras, » ae i Utice im Lombard Strvet, im the Freciact of W hitefriars, in the f Lendos a.d Published i Frec teria Mullett Evans, f Yo.7, Chureb Row, Stoke Newingt-n, both in tho County of Gina, Brine, 008 734 them at No.3, Fleet steeet im the Parish of st. k ride s,im the City of Londou—Sarumpa?, March 25 2

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Sev. sa OCO eave eV Verrerthtiy “wriYT.,.lhlU6~

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON | CHARIVARI

PRANKS OF PUMICE-STONE AT ST. PETERSBURGH. tained the intelligence)—informs us that Nicnotas Romayorr a few nights most awful = of n aguiapers, ae upon him by a maimed and seari of pumice-stone—appearing most horribly personified, to the sleeping Emperor, who kicked one of his boots off—(he always sleeps in his We give a few samples of the apparitions. Thus: Sinope—incautious} 5 by the Pumice—appeared stripped to its Sin. Punch, all the half-erase ts)—in his agitation and terror. Liberty was redu Moderation became aie military, as— Ration. Despot was a harmless Por. Tyrant, no’ but a Rawr. Whilst of your Justice there remained nothing in Russia but mere Ice. In this way, does Pumice play Old Scratch for Ory Nick. words—the wor 127

HE under censor of the Rus- sian Government is, it seems, Pumice-stone. What the prin- cipal censor Scissors spares, the smaller functionary, Pumice- stone, visits wi erasure. Thus, between cutting and scratching r Punch arrives in an @ condition among his St. Petersburgh readers. Of course, Censor Seissors is | not very delicate in his minis- trations, cutting here and cut- ting there with go more mercy, no more nicety than a Russian dragoon ; -stone goes as relentlessly to his work, as t he was the scrubbing in the hands of the laundress. of fable, re- solved to wash the blackamoor white. But even the Bnelieh cannot the soul of the Board of Control blood that is shed to-day ! Bd iy men, take each his pen, death list draw amain ; Till an with a vote cut his brother’s That the weaker fifteen be laine !” Then up and spake Jauxs Menvit1r, uire, That true “Tt’s little I t this ballot-glass Such use would e’er pat t to! —— VOL. XXvI. “ Now sony you fall, Sin Cuantes A’Woon ; To your Office as you go, May their angrie ghosts that have lost their sefit ha haunt you through Cannon Row!” Oh never was seen such a sight, I ween, As befell then in that place. Each Director turned on his neighbour, mg fifteen ; aw Samed “ ghastly eye him sl And cheatii'tess Sit the dead by the earn Till the second Wednesday in April, That E wty Sa sow holds good ; For so twas decreed by the act and deed Of cruel Sin Cuantes A’ Woop! Until that day, though passed away, Must those fifteen sit there, To te or motions, And posthumous bows to the Chair : I trow each murderer wishes He were anywhere but there! 7~! to in the inkstand oy Lagat murdered dips ! to a ool ore hy a u 8 li Tes ry hand, i ina Mien way, man’s chilly grips ! = Board day, let none take his way Through the Street of Leadenhall, Or if Spd = pass thers, let him breathe a prayer, ened po he may befall To meet fifteen Ghosts, on their way to their posts, In mourning coaches all !

THE PEDIGREE OF A HOUSE. announces “AG land Ch and Distinguished Hounes of Rurope. Traced from Avam to the Time,’ &e,

We must say that the deep for his Houses. If house was no sounder than that on which the above are built, we should be so i. live in it. The author must be a most ative builder, and we are only afraid, that, ihe | many builders of the present day, he will rain himself with his speculations, “ ‘Traced from Apam!” He | boldly over the Deluge, th you =F imagine that a slight accident like that would have washed away all traces, even in the em = line. What are the ises, pray, upon "hie he founds his wond stories, stories as ntleman digs very

And glared him in the face ! Till ontspoke Sin James Law Lusuinc- TON : “ Ob rather than tempt the vote Of any friend, mine own life I’ll end ”— And straightway he cut his throat ! | ooue And other twain, soahay bite self-slain, Did even as he had done ; But the twenty-four survivors Their murderous work begun. With secret pen all stabbed their men, And never a word they said ; At ten of the day began the fray, And, ’ere one, fifteen were dead! The seals were put, the glass was shut ; None spake his hopes or fears! The - 4 were broke, the names were SPOKE _ By the awful scratineers ! | comedy as those of the Tower of Babel, and at : | substantial ? We wish he would point to them —we should like to see the precise ground. Such a building plot wold turn out to be far more ingenious than the of any French But we have no . » ae me a. provo wou bring amor gr Hy title deed even of ADAM'S | house, and would show us a fine coloured auc- | Sona’ view of the exterior, brass plate, door- and all. This is the more | probeb, sa fia known that Ava and his ancestors did not live in tents, or in the open | air, an butt in well-built, imposing, stuccoed houses, with French wi such as we see in

A Distinction and a Difference. Tue Emureron or Russia is at present an Autocrat. But with France and Engiand against him, we think the odds are two to one that he will soon be made a Naughtocrat

16) =| { | | | | |

logical Chart of the Royal | te foundation of our | We notice that a publisher in Fleet Street | |

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t t + 128 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “WERY RIDICULOUS!” | “ EDUCATED DRAYMEN.” oy Fok, Je vel Amone the arts of advertising, we observe that the Fine Arts are say that his will it is | ‘@kimg their place, and poetry and painting are beginning to lend their To carefully keep| aid to puffery. We have just received an elaborately illustrated from commencing | Cireular of a suburban Brewery, imviting our attention to a variety of hostilit ‘es | beers through the medium of a series of artistic sketches. In one of I wish that I could | these Plenty is represented in the act of offering about » pound of conscientiously say | hops to Industry, while on the other side of the picture we find Youth To his word we the | 0@Sy.over a mash-tub. Lower down we perceive Age in a state of smallest attention | Hilarity, arising from a supposed state of beer; and the series oj should wee | ilhustrations terminates with an allegorical design, im which the most For ohelly ttgetiens | striking objects are a glass of ale, a pot of porter, and a hop-pole. of decent fermali.|, We have no objection to the alliance between the Fine Arts and the tien | beer-harrel ; nor do we see why the same pencil that draws a ippteanye He walks himself into | ™@¥ not draw a pot of beer, but we must ask an explanation of a aaa |_| certain paragraph in the Circular, which tells us that the poor principal- | ities, | “The Draymen engaged are of a new and superior class.” A brea of i} 7 . faith i. the part off We must own that we cannot see an connection between y old Nicwo.ss |the quality of the Draymen and the qualityof the beer; nor do we Not only disgusting | think we should quaff our “heavy” with any additional gusto because but wery ridicu-|it might have happened to have been b to our doors by an inne Oxford or Cambridge man, instead of by one of Barctay and ; Perkwns’s regulars. We are not disposed toencourage an ari : He sars he obeys |0f Draymen, and, indeed, it is not likely that anybody receiving a cas Christianity’s call, |Of beer will ask the Draymen “in” to tall over the literary topics of In preparing his mus.| the day, or even the news in general. The Proprietors of the suburban kets. fis powder, | Brewery think, evidently, anything but small beer of themselves, what- and ball, ' "ever they may think of the beverage ny Ag 0 to their customers. And he tells us his butchery never will cease The motto of this establishment for ual supply of ale Till he’s fully established the Gospel of peace ; | should be Ale-re Flammam ! But what must we think of this blasphemous mocking ? ae Except for Sinope with carnage so odio | Flis boast of religion to laughter might tickle us, A CURIOSITY OF LITERATURE. There ’s something about it so truly ridiculous. Is Spain the poor Editors are being transported in dozens. In If to friendship with England he makes an advance, | France, a Cabinet Council is held to discuss the propriety of sup- *Tis only to try and embroil her with France. | pressing all newspapers in Paris but two. We expect that in a short His “ parole 1 gentleman ” nothing could mean, time there will not be an Editor to be seen in Europe—out of England. But under his words his intentions to screen. | An English Editor will be able to earn a n— sum of money by In vain he approached us with treacherous smiles, | exhibiting himself to foreigners. Faney the Editor of the Morning BRITANNLA was not to be caught by his wiles : | Herald “on view, from ten till dusk.” The Exhibition, we fancy, But soon made it perfectly clear to old Nicnotas, would be not only popular, but highly remunerative, the more His attempts to cajole her were wery ridiculous. lespecially if an announcement were to be previously made, that "eee |‘ about Eleven the Editor will receive, by extraordmary courier, We said, “ If a quarrel you don’t wish to start, a despatch from the Seat of War, and will d to open it in the From those principalities please to a." presence of the audience.—N.B. The qiuil> extents will be com- But this he refused, and went on to allege municated on the payment of a small fee.” We make Mas. Gamp That all he had taken he kept as a pledge; _ a present of this certain fortune. The only reward we ask is that she And that if he came down like a hawk on a pigeon, will allow us, when she begins her séances, to come and see her. "Twas all for the good of the Christian religion : A manner of speech in a person like Nicuo.as, SSS Not only disgusting, but truly ridiculous. We ’ve done whatsoe’er we consistently can To bring to his senses this obstinate man ; | Asthe Empgror or Roussta is so fond of ing Latin, perhaps Though fighting we hate, I think all must agree jthe following statement of the Austrian correspondent of the Times "Tis no fault of ours if war there must be. _ may suggest to his Majesty a somewhat apt citation in that language : So finding ’tis vain any longer to parley, “In orderto indnee his irregular troops to show more merey to the Russians, OMAR We've sent to the Baltie our gallant “ Old Cuar.ey,” Pasua has offered « price for every living prisoner.” Who, with his companions, may make Master Nicwoias Fas est et ab hoste doceri is the familiar scrap of Latinity which the Feel truly disgusted and wery ridiculous. circumstance above related may occasion the Czar to come out with, " to the amazement of his courtiers. It is as much as to say, dearest, 'that the champion of the (Greek) Cross will do well to take a lesson New Relation of Royalty. from the defender of the Crescent. Perhaps his Imperial Majesty will order it to be appended by way of moral to the drama now in course of Tae Hampshire I dent reporting a complaint against a pawn-| |: Pn cee ile broker named Lins, made st the Southampton Petty Sessions, mentions nightly repetition at the theatres of St. Petersburg—the Tragedy of ; : Sinope. that Mn. Lee is known in the Court as the “Pawnbroker to HER cenape = — Masesty.” Some former Sovereigns of England may have had occasion | for the assistance of such a personage, whose connection with Royalty Poem on Pease. was notorious in a higher Court t that of Petty Sessions. The Pp : , =. EASE porridge hot ; | time, however, has gone by when the Crown and Sceptre were liable, | Pacen pee cold : on emergency, to ascend the spout. In the mean time we may observe Pease porridge ‘ that we were not aware that Her Masusty had an uncle at South- Nicely sold ! ampton. ; FODDER A LA GOLDNER. | FIRST CATCH YOUR HARE, ‘TH® supplier of Gompwer’s preserves has gone unpunished; and; Somezopy has been writing an elaborate work on the Human | impunity appears also likely to await the rascal, whoever he is, that | Hair. We have not seen it; but if the author has treated the subject | j | \ adulterated the hay, destined for the Eastern service, with filth. The fairly, he must have divided the Human Hair into several millions of law affords some remedy against bribery; but seems to have no penalty | distinct heads. We have some idea of writing a sort of companion whatever in store for those who are guilty of corruption. | treatise to that on Human Hair, under the title of Bald Facts.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 129 | ought to go to the Play—’tis a pity that attendance at thea- | GOOSE AND GREEN PEAS. tricals should be contrary to the drab cloth. He would there | ; a learn what acting is, and see how ferocious and astute tyrants | Beyonp question, the finest of | can cajole and wheedle simple gulls. Manxnowrarts at least Green Peas is your Mar-| might read SwaksreaReE in his chimney-corner, and be rowfat. Of all Green Peas | hereby taught.that a man may “smile, and smile, and be a” it is the largest, fattest. /—Nicwonas; may “ sigh, with a piece of Scripture” softest. It is the chief of | palm off the vilest fi ood and cloak the darkest villany. that provinee of the Veget-| Marrowrars has been buttered with the butter of an | able Kingdom. — The Mar-| Emperor ; he has soaked to stultification in the powtat is decidedly the | imperial butter. Next moved to bear testimony Prince of Green Peas. to the “ humanity” the Emrrron or Russta, let This may be considered | Magmowrats image If at Sinope, and consider how -a -—_ ~~ — Pare. he would have being shelled. uot im season, amd the Mar- | == — rowiat, perticularly, will not come in till the latter SCENE FROM eadof July orthe beginning) = « THE RUSSIAN. GENTLEMAN.” pea of Summer, and the) UnGnishev edjection may naturally be oo & ae a ashbes well i) Scene—St. Petersburgh. 4 Room in the Palace, postponed to this day four 2xter the Emrunom ar Sim Hamuscon Szrmoun months. ollowing. In season, however, or, Zmp. Sxymous, come hither—now we are alone, out of season, a dish of And I can talk to thee, I like thee, Seymous; Green gl gt id = 4 pate ay zeal and thy ape creenness, SIZE, - Th ence— discretion, uitade, amd softness the feo in thy serviee to thy Sovereign Mistress, most remarkable—afforded a sueeulent and savoury feast the other evening to a Coupled, | think, with what therewith consists large party at the Darlington Mechanics’ Institute—Marrowfats we may well In every way—good will towards our own. term these wonderful Green Peas; and indeed it would hardly be too much to say Seymour. Sire, it rejoiceth me that mine intents that the Marrowfats were perfectly Marrowfatuous. Should be apparent to Your Majesty. — st a de Now mark me, Mr. Henry Pease—who must allow us to call him Mammowrats—is reported Jmp. Sevmoun, thou bear’ to have given, on the eceasion and at the place referred to, a lecture on the subject | Seymour ; of his recent visit to Russia as a joint bearer of the olive-brameh from the Society [ love thy Quexn, and love thy countrymen, of Friends to the Enemy. It does not appear to have occurred to Manrow?ats to’ Her subjects, loyal as they are, yet free ! congratulate himself and his companions on not having, im amy very every prince—in Christendom—had such ! ; disagreeable W sense, got hold of the wrong end of that pacitic stick which they had the courage— | We have a common intone ae Seymour ; all honour and credit to them for that—to extend to the Czar. | England and Russia should be hand and glove. “What,” demands the proverbial philosophy of the million, “can you expect) Seym. England is bounden to Your Majesty from a hog but a grunt?” With equal reason it may be asked, what can you, With Russia’s glove that would protect her grasp. expect from another omnivorous animal, but a hug, of a very different nature) Zmp. Ha! Well, so take the figure an thou list. from a friendly embrace. It is not, therefore, wonderful that Manaowrats was Hark in thine ear. Look yonder, Seymour ; look ! agreeably surprised by his reception at the Court of St. Petersburg; according to Seest thou yon Turk? Seymour, he’s very ill. the report of his lecture : which states that , a. ee Your Majesty’s more keen discernment “ Arrived at the Palace of the Czar he described the magnificence of the Palace, and the gracious Did graciously correct my grosser sense, reception aecorded them by the tt m2 ; — have — deemed yon Turk in health, No doubt the Quakers found the Imperial Robber a very nice-spoken man. There ude as my speech. . : have been some pm rod Sateen. Certain heroes of Nursery Romance also— taf 08! but he’s ill, good Szrwovun, we seem to remember—found some of the Giants and Ogres, into whose castles they He’s dangerously ill ; and time it is had penetrated, extremely affable; the monster giving his visitor many fair words, and The disposition of his property— entertaining him with great politeness and cordiality. And yet, says Mannowvats: For he will die intestate—should be thought on. « Whiteet Se. Petedstentts - . formed at the theatresevery night.” DY his next heirs. Now, therefore, Sxymovn, list. a St. nate urgh the terri era ter at Sinope was performed a ° bvery night. To his estates in Candia and in Against the wish of the gracious Emperor? The Press is under tolerable Qngland is freely welcome to succeed, restriction in Russia—as Manrrowrats laments. Is there no censorship of the [f England will but eleave to my consent. stage? Was the Autocrat of all the Russias unable to prevent the managers of Soym, But how, an’t your “ious Majesty the St. Petersburgh theatres from glorifying a horrid and barbarous massacre? Wii the co-heirs therewith be satiofed ? Manrrowrats should think so, considering, as he does, that Sovereign to be Limp, That which suits me will Austria suit likewise, calumniated by British journalists. For Prussia is nought ; then, if but Eng side “Mn. Pease said, no one cherished more ardently than himself the love for the freedom of the With us, at France I my fingers—so ! press in England; but he was exeeedingly grieved and humbled at the course which the press in J a Se unto my Sovereign liege Seym. So please yor England had pursued in reference to the —npeeirete wane? abuse and calumny against 7 5 transmit, by way of Street, . The weighty matter you have broached to me. the Czar, instead of reasoning calmly, and Does MarRowPaTs imagine that reasoning however calm, and argument however {- ther I sound, would have saved us {rom having to come to the ultimate reason and the [py strictest —- in oon Ee Waele onid ond menat final effort of argumentation? ‘The softness and greenness of Mannowras appear | ot ’s have no seals, no + =o red tape ; sufficient for that imagination too, inasmuch as : I merely want a quiet ing, : “ He could not believe but that the impressions which were communicated to the public by the press, And make my were entirely erroneous and unfounded as regarded the Emperor and Empress. The effect which these | Seym But, under of Your Maiest misrepresentations had produced on the mind of both was painfully apparent.” s 9 ajesty . For usance of a Who has ever accused the Empress of tyranny, cruelty, rapine, fraud, and Returning to our muttons. may I ask utterance of the thing whichis not? The Empress or Russia must have made |, jt so certain that the Turk will die ? herself very gracious to Mazzowrats to induce him to come out thus as the Emp. Oh! he will die—no doubt of that, good Semoun; champion of her fame, apropos of her Imperial husband’s boots. 7} | she No hope for him! convey thus much to England, inned some extraordinary favour to the buttonless coat. To conclude: Friend 4nd yo good night. Mind this, the Turk must die! (Zeit, ARROWPATS affirms that | . The Turk will die? Of that I’m not so sure. “From what he saw of the Emperor and Empress, he was convinced that the estimation in which the The Turk must die! so Nreworas declares. former was held here was incorrect, He believed that the Czar was kind and temperate.” | His mind is made up for the poor Turk’s death. It has never yet, we believe, been insinuated that the civil courses and passions | Pray Heaven that he hath not resolved thereon ! of the Czar are occasioned by habitual drunkenness. As to his humanity, how does I'll t to mine hotel, and ere night’s cap Marxowrats reconcile that with the actual Sinope in the first place, and its dramatic My shall infold, in black on white | Tepetition every evening—till further notice, presumably. By the by, Manaowrats I will reveal this plot to CLakenpon. [Scene closes,

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30 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL AS GOOD AS A PANTOMIME. > . Mit wn mM Fz t f | { if i The Czar-Clown. “1 poy’? wean any Harm, Parore pe Gentieman ! ”—(Vide Russian Correspondence). THE SOLDIER’S DREAM. ( _* sad was my heart.as for marching we mustered, ‘or I thought of the wife I was leaving behind, Aad the six hungry mouths rowad their mother that c!:stered, With rea at igh ice, and.with work hard to find. On my Leagan | een sentry ashore, By the Gag pis ooh fire, st on oot peoeaht would pursue ; Till I dreamed dream—and was sorry no more— "Tween the thaetal the alah eben they say dreams are true. | dreamed that T saw the poor babes I’d forsaken, And her whom too.soon.a sad mother I’d made, Looking still, as she looked, when that last kere, was taken, Not Knowing from whom to seek counsel or aid | heard their shrill. cry as Heard her atte a ead of the or none ! Saw them shivering fo And crouched round Ww hes ay ing like an ; si) Stood, 1 sata Wind lady dole sabe the efi T re cheer =F and wife i hearing ees. ake, eat, warm, oifering of friends,’ She said ; “hot the bestowed ; It comel from the = ~ iy eu tt Which Sea aes that to him it feels owed. “ His heart will be stonter, his arm will be stronger, When he knows that his children are clothed, taught, and fed ; Th ~ his wife lives in dread of the workhouse no longer, lo the shame of the country for which he has bled.” Then I cried in my sleep, * “Take the soldier’s thanksgiving! ” When lo! the réveide proclaimed break of day ; And [| stood to my arms with a heart free from grieving, All fears for my wife and my babes chased away. et rod shear whcae the last spark was goue. A WARNING STORY FOR LORD DERBY. Lorp Dersy has avowed his chivalrous determination to run at the Press, when offended by the light cast abroad by it ypon any subject that, as his Lordship believes, ought to remain in sacred obscurity. For the timely instruction and benefit of Lorp Denny, Mr. Punch hnmbly begs permission to relate to him a true story. (See Newspapers at Peewe’s Coffre-house). About two—it' may be three, it surely is not four—years ago, there ' was @ bull pastured in a field skirting a railway. weakness The bull—a with bulls m general—had a high sense of his digmty. It may be, be yr of long descent, come down to us from the grand of the Caledonian Forest. Be this-as it may, the t believed—been much annoyed by the; rati and bellowing, and smoking, and steaming of the. railway: t ope pee im— contemptuously —on wheels of thunder. “ permit nt ‘asked bmg as was from the sequel. “ By no means. sien test “disturbed pitch nin the train—run at — it ‘off thea thegw ie into infini | wall csdiedstan teeing codeMbet iter the tall hed st natural disgust of everything put a So rg Whereupon, } determination, ~ further Fe we by ‘the: mew. insult— the bull threw up his tail, lowered the railway train. co bull had—it was | his head, shut his eyee—and rar full butt at | And the train, in one saints knocked every ff of breath out of | the edt of te ball that lay 00: so much beef ate The house of Dersy is famotis 4 for its breed of eucks ship take heed Jest he Aa eee a tale; making story of a Cock and a B Wild Oats. } | “ We have all our wild oats to sow,” says the Times, on gaming. | Very good ; only waratepetete the oats of the dirty bread of the scoundeel. simpleton make the | |

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(hh i wa \ \ Ns ASS ry DREAM. Weg D oa —— Peal ig ne SOLDIER’S THE Arai 1, 1854.) _—_—_—

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» ag 8 eeesere ar » : ‘ = ’ + “ rN a AS Yy Falah. Set ee a Ps ee: an _ etl sae ™ ss ‘ — . Wire n We) Pe mS ee ee ene Ses

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. PRECAUTION IN WAYS AND MEANS. oLonEL Sreruorr often puts Government a question which it is difficult to an- swer. Take, for imstance, the following :— “ Why, during the most natural public anxiety and suspense in the present state of things, and the declaration of Hen Maszsry's Government, particularly so the CHANCELLOR OF THK ExcHuEQuUER, of the necessity of doubling the Income Tax from 7d. to 10$d. in the pound on account of the war, some more direct and positive de- claration of war has not taken place, or their assurance that such im- pending war will be avoided altogether?” These are the terms, as reported in the Times, of an interrogation of which a notice has been placed on the “votes” by the honour- able and gallant Member for Lincoln. What the Colonel meant to ask probably was :—Why, if Ministers considered it necessary to increase the Income Tax on account of war, they have not declared war, and if there is to be no war, why don’t they say so? The drift of these demands is plain The Colonel, who has no-confidence in the Government—“ particularly so the CuanyceLLor or THe Excuzquer” | —evidently suspects that Hern Maszsty’s Ministers in general, and Mn. Giapstone in particular, have availed themselves of the alarm of | war for the purpose of procuring an addition to the tax on income: in | other words, of obtaining an inc Income Tax under false pre- tences. Coxonen Sretuorr also, no doubt, thinks that the tax once obtained will be t—that if one pretext for its imposition should cease, anot would be found for its continuance. In the! former of these suppositions charity forbids us to coincide with the Colonel ; but experience compels us to endorse the latter. ' Withcut clairvoyance, by ordinary waking vision, it was foreseen by the least wide-awake, that the promised diminution, and subsequent cessation, of the Income Tax, would, somehow or other, never take place. However desirable the Suceession Duty may have been in | itself, there is no doubt that every gentleman who voted for it in any | | belief in the promise of its superseding the Income Tax, was a silly gentleman. ‘ In the event, which it is to be feared is too probable, of the proposed | | inerease of taxation being demo , even to CoLtowet Srsruorr, | | to be necessitated by existing circumstances, the Colonel—or any | other member—will do good service by moving some resolutibn whereof the effect shall be to prevent cheerful submission to the cost of a just | | and necessary war from being mistaken for passive endurance of con- | fiseation. Some three hundred thousand persons have now the honour of carrying on the war with the Emrzror or Russia. They are to | furnish its sinews out of their incomes. The nation will assert itself at their expense. The provision which would otherwise be made for | | adversity by the industrious who earn a precarious livelihood, is to be seized upon as funds for fighting the Czar. This must be borne—as | publicans are obliged to bear the having soldiers billeted on them—! borne with grinning—for atime. But the wry faces are as necessary | as the patience. If the teeth are not shown while the extortion is| endured, the exaction will have no end. Fashionable Finance consists | in fixing the screw where there is the least resistance ; and turnin till the clamour of the suffering class becomes intolerable—or till | something cracks ! JOHN SMITH TO THE ATTORNEY-GENERAL. “ Honovrep anp Leanyvep Str, “ Voucnsare, through the favour of Mr. Punch, to ae weet l thanks. ‘ Hells’ of London makes the giving a false name an offence to be summarily punished. Now, learned Sir, as my name has been so often | taken, and consequently abused by noblemen and gentlemen caught | ‘on the premises,’ allow me to thank you for your clause that compels the gambler Fitznormancross, or Heronsplume, or Eagleswing, to | give his own name, and not to cloak himself in the much worn and much abused name of “ Yours, Jomw Surru.” cept Your new bill, for throwing cold water upon the Jost tue Term ror 1t.—Considering the height at which Shirt) Collars are now worn, we think the present may indeed be called a stiff-necked generation. re RAILWAY CRUELTY TO ANIMALS. ParviaMeEnt has extended protection to animals by certain acts, of which horses, cats even humbler brutes, constantly reap the benefit. The “ donkey wot won’t (or can’t) go” has the benefit of a most wholesome section of a very stringent measure, which consigns to prison any ferocious “ Buu. Busy ” who may be disposed Whilst crying out his ns, To wellep ls doulaey with all Lis enonne;” ae! hes on than Bugn’s justice may now be done upon the offending individual. While, however, we hi approve of the law in question, which enables the cat to pass its nine lives im comparative comfort, we are glad to find that the Cruelty Prevention Society of Armagh is about to extend its operations to the case of travellers by railway. It is creditable to the men of Jeune® Oot, while protecting the lower order of animals, man is not forgo’ ; and, though there is, probably, not a hog in Armagh too low for the hy of the society, there is not a human being too exalted for the fellow feeling of an association which might take Armagh viwemqQue cano for the motto of whatever arms it may appropriate. For our own we never could appreciate the benevolence that hold an w fla over the. duck that may have been “ caught, in a shower,” and decline to interfere on behalf of human ing. e mode in which our third-class railway travellers are treated is a scandal to an age which legislates for the comfort of a cab-horse, and places water-troughs along the Strand for the benefit of any lost or idle dog that may feel disposed to take to drinking in that cro locality. e do not, by any means, disap- prove, of these t arrangements for a thirsty metropolitan mutton, or a peculiarly dog ; but we object to the exclusion of human beings from the of the —_ = cruelty to animals, It is, certainly, as cruel to expose a number of thinly clad women and children to rain and wind for several hours on a railway train, as it is to etact a unhappy donkey more than a fair day’s work for a fair day’s thistles. , We should have no fear but that the existing law would be sufficient to meet any case of to a human being, if common sense were to be the guide by which it would be interpreted ; but as long as we have Se look at +——y instead of at principles, who ask what as said from the Bench a hundred years ago, instead of thinking what ought to be said at the present day, we shall not be surprised to find it “ settled ” that “man is not an animal.” THE RUSSIAN CONSTITUTIONAL REMEDY. , (TO THE NUISANCE.) Ou ! believe me that all that endears thee, and charms Slaves who fondly adore thee to-day, Would vanish to-morrow, in case that our arms Should take all thy commerce away. The Czar that is truly wise never forgets Certain ious Autocrats’ close ; For the “ of the Russians” a sun is that sets Very often more fast than he rose. NICHOLAS HIMSELF AGAIN. From the “ secret ” which has lately been di to us, we find that in his “confidential” interviews with Sim Hamriton Seymour, the Emrunor expressly wished it understood | that his were “on the word of a gentleman.” We confess that we were somewhat puzzled at first to reconcile this wish = Se oe that accompanied it. On reflection. however, we “ The Prince of Darkness is a Gentleman: ” and = are therefore not surprised that Nicwoxas should claim that Relief in Equity. A Boox called “ The Great Highway,” has been advertised as the | production of a Mr. Futiom. e und that it is in contem- | plation to apply to the Court of for an injunction to restrain any evil-disposed the Fullom wag from saying that “the Great Highway must be Road.” ni ~y, y DISRAELI'S ORATIONS. _ Tax Member for Bucks is now familiarly known as the Tapeworm ; | his speeches being merely long, with no discernible head or tail.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. AN OBJECT FOR THE PEACE SOCIETY. | P j were is a Mr. Srurczon HAY FOR THE EAST. Pree Ly le at —hay contractor for the | Artillery—surely he is an object worthy of the sympa- thy and support of the Peace Society. Considered with becoming charity, his con- duct in supplying rotten hay, well wetted, and mixed with dirt and shavings, could only have been dictated by his desire to serve bloodshed. For instance, if the horses have been half-starved, how could they have taken the field for the work of slaughter. As for the shavings, they were no doubt shavings from the palm-trees of peace ; whilst the dirt in the trusses preached the valuable truth | to belligerent man that man himself—in all his glory of scarlet and gold lace—is but earth. The dead lamb in one of the trusses is a most touch- ing symbol of the pacific nature of the contractor STURGEON ; a sturgeon that, for the rest of his days, we would compel to trail a on his honour as a gentleman, Hay for the East was the warriors’ cry, Hay for our gallant steeds’ supply : Such hay as got you never saw ; | Each truss full of shavings, and filth, and straw ! | Who was the miscreant—who the beast Supplying these trusses of hay for the East ? A fiab’s dead carcase was found in one, Which looks \ike a piece of playful fun. | Rare fun it had been—for besides, this hay _ Was damped, that it might the heavier weigh— Had the cargo caught like a heated rick Such fun as might come of a Russian trick. About us ’twere well to have our eyes, And keep a look-out for Russian spies: The Czar sells ers; but others are sold | By themselves, perhaps, for the tyrant’s gold. For supplying this mess of filth and straw, } Enact an ex post fi iW, | In that litter to make the Purveyor’s bed, we straw and the filth and the lambkin A Sort of Gentleman. Ir will have been observed that the Empzror or Russta whilst tiating with the British Government—which fe all the while endea' to deceive—was continually making protestations He cannot be said to have had no nsions to that title; only it is a pity that Ministers did not know that the (se pike. “MAIMED RITES” OF CONSCIENCE. From a letter dated Wrawby, and commencing with “ My dear Parishioners,” we learn that a paimtul aet of conscientiousness has ; been performed by the vicar of that parish, the Reverenp J. R. West. ‘That reverend gentleman asserts himself to have made this exertion from principle, and out of real charity, and says that it cost him “a great deal of pain and trouble indeed.” feeling to duty consisted in the refusal to allow the body of a deceased Methodist—a Mus. Surtu, according to the Lincolnshire Times, wife ot Mr. Epwarp Sairn, ironmonger, that was to have been buried at Wrawby—to enter the church. How peculiarly distressing its perform- ance must have been to his merely natural seutiments, may appear from the following passage in his apology, in which, referring his systematic exclusion of certain corpses ons the sacred building toa sense ol right, he asks— “ What other motive could I have had in the last instance, where the family is so | very respectable; where I have never seen or even heard of any of that bitterness of word or feeling against the Church, which is too plainly manifest in some of this parish? I have, indeed, a real esteem for that family ; they have never given me the least offence or occasion for any uakind feeling I acted simply out of kindness and out of a feeling of duty.” If Mas. Smrrn had been a wicked Duchess, whose pride, luxury, stinginess, malevolence, and irreligion had been a scandal to the neighbourhood, who never went to any place of worship at all, it may | be conceived that a clergyman, though amiable as the Kev. Mr. West, would experience but a moderate wrench of the heartstrings in closing | the holy portals against her unholy remains, in case he thought himself | bound to do so. But Mrs. Saurrn, the wife of Mr. Epwaro Suita, | ironmonger, who “had,” says the Lincolashire Times, “been a con- sistent member of the Wesleyan Connection for several years, and died | in the faith of a Christian,” was, at least, a person whose conduct had | srocured her the Rev. Mr. West’s “esteem.” It must, therefore, love deeply pained him to shut her body out of the church—consider- ing what the exclusion meant. weput if Mrs. Smrra died in the Christian faith, she also died in the Wesleyan schism ; and Mr. West acts in obedience to the following Rale :— “ They who have regularly forsaken the Church doring their lifetime should not be admitted within the walis of the church at their burial.” But by whom was this Rule decreed? By one of the Nicene | Councils ?—by the Council of Chaleedon ?—at least by the Hampton | Court Conference, or perhaps by Convocation under James I. ? This sacrifice of By modesty, I dope,” did not “ Hope tell a flattering tale ? ” gentleman they had to deal with in Nicnoxas, was the OLp GENTLEMAN. no such authority; to judge from the information afforded on the subject by Mr. West to his “ dear Parishioners :” “ As some of you have told me that many think me wrong in having made a certain rule about the Burial of Dissenters, and that many attribute to me very wrong — I wish to explain to you what were my real reasons and motives for making Hence it appears that this Rule, or Canon, was framed by the S of Wrawby-cum-Brigg, convoked by Mr. West, whereat Mr. presided, and which consisted of the Rev. Mr. West. Tn making this “ Rule,” Ma. West contends that he ought, at the very worst, to be thought mistaken. That may be granted; he writes in a vein of Puseyite pathos evidently sincere. But was he not grossly mistaken in convoking, and constituting, and superintending, and obeying the Synod of Wrawby-cum-Brigg ? Mr. West cannot believe “That Dissent is lawful, that to split up into ten or a dozen se Parish is agreeable to the sslastahes of the Christiaan ——! ete tts > a 4 j Does Mr. West not remember that the whole Parish of Christendom was split up into ten or a dozen separate bodies, more or less, three hundred years ? “Tf I could believe that Dissent is lawful,” he declares, “then I would give up my Rule at once.” If it is not lawful to dissent from the Parson or Wrawsy, was it lawful to dissent from the Pore or Rome ? With seeming justice, certainly, Mra. West observes :— “T have only to add that it does seem to me a most unreasonable thing that people - who regu'arly forsake the Church in their life-time should so much desire to be taken within the walls of the church at their burial.” No doubt ; provided there is a dissenting chapel in the churchyard. | Would Mr. West be willing to allow — eae n 1 Sapam te clergymen who refuse the dissenting body church-room after death might as well decline to accept chureh-rates from it during life. a eee a mace On re ces 893 Pheebus’s Picture Gallery. We are happy that Lorp Ractaw intends to take with him to the | East an experienced Photographer. “‘The Land of the East” is, as Byron says, “the clime of the sun,” and we may now hope for a series of pictures by that eminent Artist, Mra. Puasvs, executed in his own atélier. Disrazut’s Horrs—When Mr Drsragit said, “I have some

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Ba ‘in ng 3 iT —S eo PUNCH, CR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. MUSICAL CRITICISM, WITH SPECIMENS. R. Puncn has re- ce'ved a great batch of new music. He has not the slight-} est idea why it} should be sent to} him, a several | strong ideas why it | a ae a only object, so as he can under-| stand, with which’ music is sent to a) periodical is that the latter may puff oe ge ess OU . Well, puffing is un- happily not much in Mr, Punch’s way; but, besides this, it frontispieces greater or less absurdity, to send it to him or amy other honest If we were hypercritical we might object to the rhyme to “ tricolor, which rhyme, read “breek. a lore,” as is nec ndicules Cock neyism. Next we object to “join” and “ combine.” y, we want somebody with whom Nicnouias should combine. Fourthly, wé think the seventh and eighth lines slightly pears. Fifthly, we do not think Nick has millions of- legi or if he has why they are not to be feared, and why they areto r to “ iapce.” Sixthly, we want to know how a three-decker to be got ap imto the Danube ; and Seventhly, we object to the translation of “strike home.” But, on the whole, the song has * such works, faults of its is so like the majority of te wns (ne mc MryYER- are happy to ret it. “The next is , that a Ad ge we sentime : “ Her Guardsman ’s where, om the HowovraBLe Aveu ‘ tyrous Cansace pe Crisp. =) “ Her Guardsman ’s where, om Danube’s bank, es a ak 0 s ‘ord ma She cannot hear the so a : Bong. The Poetry ly the Music by Mus. Avto- E reviewer when every music publisher appears to keep a clerk ex- pressly to write reviews of the “house's? publications. What is the} use of a bit of sound opinion, when there is a fluent young gen-| tleman ready with a cut and dry ph to fit anything his master | may publish? “Of all the exquisite gems which even the heaven-born of the gifted Bucerys need, this is at once the most | ing, the most captivating, withal the easiest for the player.” | Or: We thought that Sroeerves Locerves had reached the acme of jus when he wrote his ‘ Pearls on the Heartstrings, but we have earned our presumption in listening to ‘ Diamonds of the Brain.’” then these couuter critics have another advantage. While they are forging a criticism they imvent a j for it, and specimens of papers which neither we nor the Stamp Office ever heard of are daily advertised | as coolly fis if such had existence. This is prudent, Our friend the Musicul World, for instance, is very honest ; and despite his extreme fatuousness in contending that fiddlers are not, habitually, fools, gives | legitimate opinions on music, we never see his name attached to publisher's puffing. But we read of the Musical Jargon, and the Yareal he Musical Trowel, and the Musical Toadeater, | bright eyes look, not ii vain, For that young Coldstream Guard,” The lady’s music is in every way worthy of Se geetiomen's poetry, | and as the publisher, who knows 50 more about these things than we can, 0 er is a touching and a pellucid mingling of gentle sorrow and of elevated hope about this song, which must recommend it alike to the pianoforte of the general player, and of the fastidious Christian.” The third Song with which we have been favoured has what the writer su colour, to be a local colouring about it. A very little of such that not over well put on, is enough ih these days. It is “ Oh were I but a Pasha’s Bride!” Song by a Young Lady of Rink. | Music by Siewon Vous Susrro, principal Harpist to Ye or THE CanniBaL IsLanps, “Oh were I but a Pasha’s bride, Slaverer, and t I'd love his bridle and a score of similar works, and on the strength of such frauds helpless And I would ever sock his side young ladies who look down the advertising columns to see what new Upon the battle plain. ieces they shall buy are deluded into the purchase of rubbish. Aad | And when the fight was done, iow the young gentleman grins when they walk into his master’s shop, | I’d deck his gay kiosk, and they will take the “Cloud of ics,” or the “ Bilious | Or mix his , seour his gun, GirPs Pra er,” because “they see it is spoken very well of by the Or go with him to mosque. _, Vhat, therefore, is the use of sending new musie to Mr. | . unch ? “ And when his mutes the fearful knives, However, as it has come, he will look at it. Tt vars to have been | cords of death, should bri in & great measure inspired recent events, nearly all of it having | My tears should save the victim’s lives relation to the Oriental question. The first which comes to hand is— amt a the , sering. foe wv brush his erimson fez, “Up with the Union-Jack, Crescent, and Tricolor!” A patriotic Song, And stick it on one side— dedicated to Omen Pasna. Poetry by Avcrstapes Bune! Music by Harpy Jonziwors. We do not think we like this poetry—much. Yet it is bold, and belongs to a martial subject. “Up with the Use To Crescent, and Tricolor, Prow diy the flags in harmony join, Teaching the haughty Russ champion to break a law Which to keep sacred he ought to combine. Charge on him, sons of the Thames and the Isis, Charge on him, sons of the Seine and the Rhone, Showing you ’re e to cope with this crisis, By taking a firm anda resolute tone, “ Fear not his millions of Moseovite legions : Are they not slaves who can never be free ? While you are proud of the noble allegiance You owe to Belle France and the of the Sea. So dash up the Danube with all your three-deckers, And, lashing its billows to fury and foam, Let all the dark mountains resound with your echoes * French, /rappez chez vous !’ and ‘Bold Britons, strike home.’ ” I care not what my mother says, I'd be a Pasha’s bride.” } | dry As for Siewon Vout: Svuprto, we profession than music- with all the liveliness ; ] i : i | | We find a mass of other songs in the pareel, but have no spate to | 5 y is the “ Suétan’s Triuniph, a | Country Dance ;” “ When Britain Storms the Iron Gate 7? “ The Guards | are Gone! How many Hearts ;? “ The Barrack Halls are Vacant Now ;” “ The FPusileers on the Danube, a March 7’ “ Let England's Ships in Thunder Roar ;” “ Pop Goes the Cannon ;” “ England, Old Tiypannis | Poe 7? * 1 Sisters, the Thames and the Shine * “Join, France and England, Hand in Hand,” &. &c. We may deal with them ~at / some future period ; in the mean time, we doubt not to see them puffed every day, according to publishers’ custom, with choice laudations, shop-manufacture, and ¢arefully selected from non-cxistent journals. SESE RR RTT TEI

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, 136 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SUBJECTS FOR THE LAW OF SETTLEMENT. Troven we hope Mr. Barves will succeed u bis laudable attempt to get rid of the oppres- sive law of Removal, we hope that the following exceptions may be made im the abolition of Set- tlement : That all Settlement may not be got rid of unti} a regular settler has been administered to the Limperor or Ryssta. De ei gets > ie pw may not in- terfere with the right of any old young of a certain uncertain age from getting herself com- lortably settled. That if any tenant finds a decided case of Settlement in any portion of his house, the ht of removal may not be taken away from um. _ That if a creditor finds himself in debt to all the tradesmen in the neighbourhood, he may be justified in suspending his own removal until he has effected a satisfactory Settlement. That the abolition of Settlement should not | extend to any marriage Settlement. | That any Settlement at the bottom of any beer, wine, or other liquid, sha!l not be ipso facta illegal, but- may, nevertheless, be subject to | removal if it should be thought expedient. The Turkish Loan and the Rothschilds, | THE BEARD MOVEMENT. Disway or a British Swett on seernc a Postman witn Movsracues. THE BERTH-RIGHT OF INCAPACITY. To Mr. Punch, “Tr you pease, Str, ‘| see Government means to throw - eee under it to competitfn—which I hope I have .spelt right. Candidates to {ill those places are to be examined for them; and those who pass the best examination for them; are to have them.- This -is to put an end to buying and selling situations, and jobbing, and corruption, and so on. All that may be véry true; but then what is to become of the class | belong to? We ere numerous and respectable ; particularly so. All laws, latterly, have been made for the benefit of the opposite class of persons. Isn’t this what you call legislating for the few instead of the many? ‘The learned professions are closed against us by examinations which shut their doors im our faces. The army used to be an asylum to many of us; but now it is necessary, to know ever so much to get into that., What are we to do? “Clever fellows can get on in lots of ways; we have only one way. Places are our pro- fession. It is no use telling us to follow the plough. Suppose we hav'n’t been brought upto it? Because we can’t digest knowledge as some can, that is*no reason why we should starve. Respect the vested interests of aldermen and people like that? Then, I say, respect the vested intérests of Dunces. If there are to be examina- tions for places, | hope—to give us some chafice—candidates will be examined in conduct; im ao cit -many fellows who are ‘very. clever, indeed too clever by, half, do. not shine so much as we. I have been waiting’ a long time. in tation of something under Government, which has heen calealane my. friends by our.Conservative Member. They don’t know what else to do with me; and [ am sure I can’t.telb them. I hoped I was going to be quietiy provided for without “any trouble ; and here now | shall not be able to try for a clerkship even, | without standing the chance of being plucked, which will be a dead | certainty to a fellow like me. Iam not.ashamed to own that Lam a “ Leatherhead, March, 1854. “ Dunce.” “PS. They tellus we ought to look out for girls with money. I should like that as well.as: anything else, as 1 believe we do usually have the advantage with «the softer sex ; but, unfortunately. for. us, the choice in-géneral dépends upon their friends and relations, and not | on theniselves.” egy A Seecia, Prea —The hest plea to put in, if threatened with law Tue Roruscnitps having accepted the loar | of two millions against the Greek Cross for the | Crescent, may,now be justified in taking their jews’-harps from. the willows, and ying, | “* Rise, gentle Moon.” ———EEEe THE PRESS IN DANGER. ) TRAWs thrown up show which way the. : ny wind blows; and there are some such slight indications of a wind setting in from the Continent that may "blow hitherward the clouds which in neigh- bouring nations are darkening the light of the Pregs. A late speech of Lozp Dexsy’s may be- considered as one of these straws. And if a parliamentary Committee is to constitute itself “an Inquisition, and a Member of the Irish Brigade, abetted by a congenial and. calicocratie stump-orator, is to call the Editors or Managers of Newspapers over. the eogls for representing that gallant corps as composed mer- cenaries, our House of Commons will scon assimilate ‘itself to a the despots; -and announcements of, following kind will speedily figure’ m the enervated columns of our Contin, poraries : : A ‘first warning has been given to the Times on account of an artielé com- | menting with. undue freedom on the | poliey of the Krxec or Prussia. * The Standard and Morning Herald have received warnings, the Tater for the publication of incorrect intelligence, and the former for copying | the same. ' The Quarterly has bad another warning for an article tending to ' weaken the Cabinet. on 28 1 A final warning has been sent to Punch for a pun expressive of aversion to the Income Tax, aad a caricature calculated to dnitoy | the Pore. True to a Hair. Samson’s strength lay in his hair. And perhaps the same. may be said of the British Lion : for it is evident to all who have ever some in contaet with that animal, that its strength lies principally m proceedings, is, “ P/eas(e) don’t? | the main. Vripted oe Bradbary, of No, 13, Upper Wobduro Place, in the Parish of St. Peneras,and Prederick Mullett Evans,of No.7, Charch Row, Stoke Newington, both in the County of Middlesex, Printers,at theiz Clee im Lombard Street, ia t.¢ Precinct of Wiicefriars, in the City of Londor, and Published by them ac No. 55, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride's in the City of Londoa.—Satuapatr, April |, 664

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 137 | swering the hundreds, we A LEADING ARTICLE BY MR. PUNCH. quit us of ever write alee c= 0 UR readers will ae- both of the time our cut yoy digg the Russi bribes, scoffed at by England, had been repeated to France. Is not that an answer ? We shall add little pase. Bid peared ; the attention statesmen and the ‘rat ened: = we Renee, we no onfidenc Simoni later the world et the correspondenc wandering de into | We c n apicte this article by other poveations, bat let this suflice. ee details We did ty; and, if it be to the exertions of Mr. Punch, as is Bat there ia +: uly ad it fst Turk will owe her yo e is content [ cumstapce com as boul ' foro the valk star aoa p will take it nected with a , / of tbe footie bie of the Secret respondence be- THE KINGDOM OF BEGGARS. tween the Govern- ment of England : ints ative at St burg, which, am less we state it,| will pro hands at a time a ermeticall We shall sim form their —— | Mam the type | he type | following are the “We have on our hands a Sick | frankly, & great misfortune if, one of Th by nous avons sur les p-~ ce sera, je vous le dis devalt nous prises.” sealed to the fact that two facts before our readers, and leave them to ml In | the Secret Correspondence, he sgl ee Ph pu words :— Man—s very aly lg op me made,” the eyes of the nation were such documents were in existence. regarding the Sick to by Nickolas. it will be, I tell you slip away from us, "eae eee ae we found was given in the paige) French | » which we append, for a ppm presently | or tebapper, curtens evant que toutes’ les Homme gravement pre my ay jours, il Bécessaires fussent months before the was published. That engraving represents the Sick Man,—the s features indeed | emupbasising the phrase, the Sick Man. Above him is Russia, | Goud, conliing enthe * egy erga the iwea |" na tions nécessaires,” are — aad France. we put France there? Any one, who read Iniest veveletions wil sec thet a The | bo “ho, nding thal we af nvr Bz oe wall only im our judgment of past but in our phen, Tor for the future, ae AS be careful how they confer unceasingly upon the | pestis 5 whether the Government, fop)popalty J y several crowned delin- the time es us with secret information, to be used at Po oratey pastition to the stock is only | our discretion. We are perfectly aware that the public, seldom | am society. we look at | deceived in its judgment, is justified in attributing our almost pre- ’ condition, and recollect that ternatural know. sources not open to the world. And we} is a ogee T fad over that country of oy 98 and bp em a admit this to be > betes case. We are above the affectation we see why any other Queen o ne pesuurs | of disclai connection with the Executive, and we conceive that in § royalty and an Wonedees of beg, | plainly avowing that we are received into the confidence of the’m this country, possibly be a — of Commons, anc | Administration, we pay the sense of the latter a compliment shall be perhaps of he. ) the , in the ions which will materially conduce to its popularity. of some plausible cadger who is in ‘oeiee his “ Shame at The circumstance to whieh we are about to refer is this:—The 4 appearing in oy a position before his seyiad friends and fellow Secret Cormengonneney. which ‘one has read, and which discloses | Christians ”—the sag agp who, with mistaken benevolence, | the whole of the designs of the of Russia upon Turkey, was pelt him with he the attics. For what we know there may be a Parliament of been, apd oy division of the metropolis om A have its m t representatives. How do we know that the ’ under the lamp-post in the New Cut, “got up” with chalked face and white apron, is not the “Honourable Member for Seven Dials,” and that the elaborately-weeded widow, with two any babies in her arms, | well with laudanum, at the corner of St. Martin’s Chure is not a peeress in her own right in the kingdom or wes of ? THE ABSOLUTE PHILOSOPHER. ° Awp so at last the die is cast, and Franee and England | With all my heart ; for m: yen ms er era The worst aappose—that by my That won't harm me, so I chould I were mue They’ shel my fort ee eet 2 rpun ae era gal esr The shore extracts comprise one of the facts to which we invite Tr bename most commtieh thet tha attention of French and. Saglig| it al ae, sre ~ ye so won't coeur nyo | statesmen should be called, in the most impressive manner, to the Spon as turf Seendnatinae cnmae aha ain tthe Sere De re, Oe settle tho cxspbeien | 1 tanchn penis naiubh theclon len akiondidhah then tet 3 “re We kf ote Bik Maw | For one ’s clear, 1 met Fane deaf Ne ge abn by and so, tated ft that, "while those who had’ reed ‘the. ig ee oy apy tony Up dtm dy ny ree gn Re ays, Bd 5) ody = a pea ey | Tus Motto or Ricnagpson’s Guost.—“ A Fair Day's Work fora Fair Day’s Wages.” / with bed 4 Le ee Todor ri company Teor soke P

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138 ____ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL PREPARATIONS FOR WAR. Eysicn STUBBS HAVING BEEN APPOINTED TO THE 12lsT, GOES TO TRY ON HIS UstrorM. N.B. The carne Ensign has hitherto been accustomed to dress in a loose, dégagé manner. admired,” entitled “ THE POOR BLIND BULLY. Which so oft employ ? What is i¢ but superiar wasght To conquer, or destroy ? eS ee ae A oly earl, tothe Which Czare never fling ? re. Strong j oe, re top eas Unto my wane wiich have bean so | On the occasion of the great festival | the Morning Post will Ow say what means the word called Right, | THE DIVINITY OF FASHION. ni: fashionable contemporary, blished the other sees at wos cogrtuny to dese y as well take « have ———_ev above-mentioned, age Spee meng by - clergymen’s dresses worn thereon: and perhaps, if there is | divines in their | a Pollet Courrier des Hglises, cape ta Desaiee, & ake THE VALUE OF CHARACTER. Ivtzerity ahd ability do not seem to be “looking up” in the | market, if we may judge by the following advertisement from the Herald. | | an » ae miserable chondriacism.” It is rather disheartening to G jlasgow (CLERK WANTED.—An active, middle-aged, Married ‘MAN to act as / Clerk.and Collect Accounts. He will require to write a neat swift band, and must be thoroughly acquainted with Book-keeping. None need apply whose character and = y will not etand the strictest investigation, and produce Security | yw ‘or his £40 annum. A by letter, addresse: Salary per pply by ’ as The unfortanate individual who is compelled by hard fate to seek this situation, must eombime the maturity of age with the energy of youth ; for he must be active and past the paw of life, while, 7-4, the advertiser was Popiog’ eo cheques cheapness the clark i neamsnel fh be ee as well as badly paid, 90 that his salary and re inte it, may be in an imverse ratio. We meee A there are in the wor i me ee ye wretches who take the of situations above iver’, ot advertisements would not — ee Laem, tore ree - ees Sane answer men ho ha rtunes, ve a morbid appetite for a mixed state of overwork and |! starvation. We should imagine the individual who would the above clerkship on the terms proposed,.to be.either a swindler or a hy- hen forthe former might. seek {the engagement with a Se sanainntinn betehtio teenie at the first and every other opportu- nity, while the latter might. be one inne. a vate not so mach 0 asa situation in which he to da that wy he hypo; t ability are so low in the maket, as to be = t forty Hoty pounds «3 da yea and imdeed so fiat at the priee, that they do RUSSIAN, AGENTS. Tur Globe lately published the following paragraph :— Bi my Compustisnes,—On Saturday the Officers of Customs seized or im the Thames laden with saltpetre and understood that the Government in'end to enforee the ws Rau Te This Spoatin abe See Oe waves Se days earlier ; mistake not, ‘have been those-of treason. . The raseals thus ready to Bs with would no doubt be equally y willing, would, if we opts We know what those w. ailechgt to: teaveh tite and therefore we can hardly be surprised at made n— a naturally iniignaat st the ich of riolen-shn'welk erg” me

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SPRSBE ORS BS PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARE HAS] VW hy \/} | THE BEARD MOVEMENT.—GAMMONING A GENT, Little Gent, “Ow wocn ?” Cabby. “Wait! I’ natueR Leave it 10 You, Sm! Awp wHat we rook Hawsoms 1s TO DO WHEN ALL you Orricens 18 GONE aBRoaD, GoopyEss KNOWS.” startling announcement in « shop at the West End, where we are told MIND YOUR ANTECEDENTS. THE FINE OLD RUSSIAN GENTLEMAN. eee Os Or ean certain Ix. sing you a novel made by a rare old iticians ; but, consideri how Sette: worths-supembering sua ento- Of a fine old Russian Gen mite Bahan} are, we may pardon a great deal of politica! oblivion. And who kept down all his subjects at a to one’s antecedents in grammar is a far more serious Se tices too and indeed we have recently been much shocked by a rather Like a savage all of the Stock is being sold off 1 Consequence OF THE DEATH OF OBR OF THR Fine concurrence oF TuE Sumvivine Partners.” , ’s aman thab’ssi Some one will get his , 90 Why not you and I?” ne ead Bee alot toe time, Now less of this be Than ie dows ier. lca vere ck des Ais old tots hal he sti ‘al be pa, this rare old Russian Gentleman—biot on the present time. Favor en Tiny 2 es ay Dee Tus Astanic Mrevesy Souvan at Last.—I have some modesty.” —Disrk1i’s own solution,

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nad —— 140 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE PRUSSIAN EAGLE’S BEAK, Cicatrization has, we hope, | ere this, restored the in- tegrity of the Kiso or Prosma’s nose, accom- by a cess: ation of ile symptoms Whieh arose from the| excoriation of that pro- tuberance. The a of course knows that his Prussian Majesty, walking in the Gardens at Charlotten- burg, had the misfortune to run his royal proboscis | against a tree; thereby barking the former, if not the latter: and was laid up by reason of the acci- dent with low fever. Out &. -— : mi this casualty, whic t! have been followed by consequences of AX deplor- able nature, ma: lead to the heyy re-| ag on a, cake tortuous course; and, for the future, of adopting » dignified attitude and walking straight. Not that we mean to insinuate that the Monarch was in that state in which the footsteps are devious, and the vision is double; his disaster is ascribed to mere shortness of sight : and we trust he will make no more blunders through shortsightedness. PUNCH AT THE PLAY. Mons. Batzac has preached the solemn yet sad truth, to the| startled ears of all the nations of the earth, that every Fre neh wife is| an object of tenderest sympathy to some unmarried sentimental one. In some cases, the lady is in the condition of the large-hearted gentle- | woman in the old song :-— “ She loves her husband dearly, And another man quite as well.” But, commonly, it is not so. Her husband is a brute to whom she is) legally bound. The wife is, in fact, a victim tied tothe horns of the altar; and her agonies at "her hard condition pierce any number of w aistcoats, cut their way through any corset, and go direct to the) human heart, as beating over a French novel—palpitating i in a F rench | play -house. In fact, it is a household axiom—very successfully circu- lated by M. Batzac—that a woman has only to vow to love a man, to| be justified in hating him. The marriage service, like witches’ prayers, | is to be read backw A woman in the bonds of French matrimony | is exposed to a monster like poor AypRomEDA. Bold and gallant, and | very much and very tenderly to be rewarded, is the young gentleman | who shall free her from the creature permitted to devour her. The bridal-flowers of the French bride are not in reality orange-blossoms | but every one of them a love-lies-a-b . M. Batzac and others| have gone over , and with their sharpest pen-knives have | scratched out the f negative i ina — commandment. The marriage ficonee i is a license to snap the marriage-tie. In very many tales has M. Bauzac poems © this stconsoing tah but in none | with greater eloquence, aided by finer an in La Grande Bretéche, This tale, with a little more Sister gover added to it, for the French stage, did its due sentimental work m a Freneh Playhouse, and—in nat course, as things theatrical are at the nt time— | the piece finds its way to the Princess’s Theatre, for the delight and instruction of the humdram, matrimonial English, who do not com- monly look upon their corner-cupboards as places where wives may when Jongs or Brown om unex) edly" home, hide the gay m| gallant Rosryson, with whom Mrs. Jongs or Brown danced in her spmster days; and who has yoy \~ followed by Rosinson the broken- hearted, with oaths upon his lips and a ten-pound note in| his pocket, to extort co and Sian the way to an elopement. In fact, to take the victim . Jonzs or Brown to his arms, and, heart, to make the loved one his own for ever staunching the bieeding and for ever ! the sparrow-quill of oy Batzac; whose ink-horn was Adele is married to Colonel of wrought-iron : he is sword ; as cold; but & no means as oy ee ef Ina the Colonel, » being de yeletead, » 0 . > : matrimony, why the Colonel is a conjugal turnkey, poor wife doomed to'the condemned cell of her bed-chamber. P —the brute—talks bullets ; whilst noe showld it she speaks of Juan—speaks pearls and diamonds. How s ise ? The Colonel is a Vampire, and Juan is a duck ! Well, the Colonel is called from home to Paris; and Juan, of course Fee eee wat, wal tas ope tak et oaaly ble life, as e the joys ‘ollow, i | Adele would a her marriage-vow. And the lady is very much inclined to do it. After all, what is it more than an Hymen in |china; already flawed by her wishes ? bay _— sh a not be entirely smashed by her determination ? but made o> in mind to run from her husband = vad oy) apropos wretch —the husband returns. P What is to be vga Bow pate to ask the i PT ws wan is put away with her ot 1 in 8 bed- room closét.. Enter the Colonel, who (French has such a nose !)—siitells a rat.| The Colonel i is such a brute, 80 bully that sweet owe te ay face running with tears, @ lily over-charged with morning dew—that after sw to her innoeence with the of Heaven and her energy of & trooper, oe eee innocence, and boldly confesses—there is a man in the closet! Wheréupon, black thoughts of murder, thick as black beetles, crowd into the @avernous heart of the villain husband! There is a certain |jocose mason, of the name of Colina, luckily on the premises. The Colonel—in a demoniacal whis per—with the sternness of a Cato desires the mason to,block up the Me with Roman cement. Bricks are @nough for his revenge ; but cement, that cement which the Colonel is in the ssion of C olin, which in five minutes will be than le—hard as the Colonel’s heart. The Colonel orders his supper in the bed-room; the mason departs to his work; and while Colin vs it on with a trowel, the Colonel, with no compunction, ti les his wine. No ’ mum was ever walled 5 bony more completely than—to the ferocious t of the Colonel—is ree now all is done, and the Colonel is exulting, when a troop of gendarmes enter with a warrant of bigamy against the double husband ! “Hm! ha! glad it’s no worse.’ * Pe it is worse”—cries the virtuous Adéie; “it’s premeditated urder ! ” ont, premetiiated, gentle reader; beeause—of course—Juan escapes thro lath and plaster, confronting the Colonel ; who is about to | finish im with his felonious sword, he is turned from } purpose |by the very pointed bayonets of the foree entrusted with the bigamy arrant. The infamous Colonel is conveyed to Paris to be tried for his offence, and, as we hope, to be sent to the galleys; whilst ddé/e, who has | already fallen into the arms of J#an, marries him, has a large family, ane. eres beupily ever sy . To live happily, she 0. e transgress the French canon. To Mrs, Peachem says, tis mar do ag tem. except marry him. remy ye blot.” Rew an h theatre, is not this a pretty dish to set before an | English Queen ? TO THE NEUTRALS. How many serfs has Nrconas to tremble at his nod? How many slaves to fear and adore the “ Russians’ God?” Germans ! at least may you di to swell the wretched horde, Under the scourge to grovel, and to crouch beneath the sword. Speak, gallant Prussians! to the knout will you submit the back ? And Austrians! say if ye would see your Cossack ? Will you consent that darkness shall shall again hide 3 day, Now is your time to answer, if you mean to answer Nay / A Bed of “Cold Pisen.” Ma. Sno, in his cteintiy Gntany: Deaeete Ob Shee g Poison-bed.” Now, if it it is the fault of the City _ who are the wy tee —~ a We think, therefore, that it is but right that “as the Aldermen -have made their poison bed, so they should be made to lie im it-” TAKE CARE OP NUMBER ONE. Fst Tuovents anz tux Best decidedly, inasmuch as it is not The Married Unmarried is the English title to the last morality from | every one whose powers of thinking will will go so far even as that. nail

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S20 GR re ag toes Sema RRNERNRE RX Gee d i 8 woe © owe. _ el te = = 4) bh. a5 a &« & te-——se 2) be a nt me ee eee i. tit je pn ee at, ane .

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tira: 4 paeay jp ati i * eee ee | THE “MONTAGNE ,RUSSE.”"—A, VERY DANGEROUS GAME. — ~ — —-— Araic §, 1954.) (Puxcs, No, 665.

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ere are AE" “RIGHT AGAINST WRONG,’

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 145 TO THE UNMARRIED. E find the following announce- ment in the Post, no doubt very gratifying to all parties concerned; gratifying and ex- tremely delicate withal :-— “ Among the débutantes at the Draw- | ¢ ing-room yesterday remarkable for their beauty, Miss ———, daughter of the Hor. Me. and Mus. , was observed.” The Americans manage these matters In a more com manner. When their “ own correspondents ” speak of the beauty of fair young spin th label each lovely one with the amount of money is to gild that refined go Let the Post be instructed, in future give the exact figures numerically representing _ the extra charms of young dm ; tantes, remarkable for theit beauty, with the further notice (according to family expectations that “no one under the rank of Duke’s, Harl’s, or Baronet’s son apply. Higne yt principals attended to, To be viewed at ALMACK’s ar! or in THE IRISH GRIEVANCE COMMITTEE. pS slightly anticipated Report which the Irish i | Tre following ifi Comm we e, upon making to the Grievance House of Commons. “The Committee was appointed on the complaint of various Irish Members, who felt themselves greatly outraged at being informed by|™ that in England they were considered as a pack of : the Times new: needy and venal adventurers. “The Committee thought that the fairest way of truth, was by hearing what the Irishmen had to say o The Committee had ex st th . one aa. proposed that the too flattering colours in which they painted by themselves,’ would be shown, should subsequently be toned down to Saxon taste; but the process was unnecessary. “ The Committee called a variety of witnesses before it, of all shades of Irish polities, Orange, Green, your Honourable House specimens of what they had to say. “The Ricut Hon. Joseru Naprren, late Attorney-General for Ireland, stated that the whole management of the patronage of Ireland ng as he recollected it, impressed the popular mind with the belief that it was given for pecuniary ‘ He thought there was | a great deal of truth in these matters. He did not know of any man in Ireland getting on by mere merit.” |. “Mr. Kaoou, the present Solicitor-General for Ireland, took in | hand Mr. Lucas, one of the loudest players in the Pore’s brass band, and questioned him ‘as follows:—‘Did I not at a large public meeting at Ai describe you, in your presence, as one who would plunge. a dagger in a man’s but never dare to do anything to | his prejudice openly in his presence ?’ To which Mr. Lucas replied, | * You me with being a calumniator, using the strongest lan- guage which could from human lips. But then we agreed that Oe ee eee should be struck out.’ " 7RAY, an Irish writer of eminence, asked Mn. Keocu whether he had not described certain Irish gentlemen as ‘Pappy Somens and | fellows like those, who live by selling places.’ Mr. Keoou would not deny it, but did not exaetly remember. But, naturally desirous to do must be for his countrymen (and his evidence in exculpation of them im bers, 08 received ny bli caution), he adds, that he never charged Irish | Mem on any ones “Mr. Arxrys, the Du occasion, with selling places, but might have their country. 1 in Sword-bearer, stated that Members of the Dublin Co: obtained compensation for lost *s through | Ma. Jonw Reyworps, then M.P. for Dublin. They collected £200 or | £300 to reward him. Smreply to the question, ‘And did Ma. Reyyops ue Ge pos je rage replied, * 5 .: Sir, he did, but in fy) to avor of pa im for Parliamentary services, they t it down t Defence fui?’ | “Me. Lucas, above mentioned, desirous to retort Mn. Kroon for the unflattering picture drawn of him, charged Mz. Keoou with dishonourable conduct and a but explained away this charge. broken’ To Ma Keocr he iol capention ‘ 8 question, he replied, in . * In taking place you acted corruptly, nt hve dhe were mane ' getting at the |‘ and Neutral, and beg to submit to “Dr. Gray, above mentioned, stated that in 1851, on a motion of Mr. Drsrazui’s; Mr. Jonw Sapurer, late an Irish Lord of the , came to accompanied by Mr. Francis Scuty, and said, aher i as a reason that he Won't vote for us t from his brother. We an arbitration in a lobby, and decided that Mra, Sevity might vote observe that, i her busteeipon of ery ay the sai the House tig he — he omen who lived uttering li and that » accustomed ter’s last *Here’s that the Irish tee, decidedly te had he ythi say an’ just now—otherwise the ue Catholics and their w to the Emrgronr or Russia. m Masesty’s Roman Catholic prediction as a hint. Yet many of them will be to do so as it is possible that they can be by matory and quite inaccurate, ing on the —- of his a, when they a tlemen denouncing roposition HAMBERS as an insult i j slemstion, as persecution, as involvi brutal females, &c., they may very nat con- regard to monasteries and convents will consist of revolting interrogatori ers to which will be extorted by the rack and the thumbscrew. The Papal deputies s as if the seriously believed that such are the means by which the inquiry wi be conducted. And yet they complain of it as being the reverse of a Holy Tnquisition. The like extravagant language occurs in a Declaration, whereunto is appended a string of names so tremendously aristocratic, that nearly | every one mi furnish a noble authoress with a title fora fashionable novel. Popish indivi of the superior classes affect, moreover, to regard the question of the treatment of nuns as exclusively their own affair. Sen, it may be all very well for Dz | Bueeins and Frrzwa.xenr, the Papists, to be quite easy with respect to female relatives in a convent. ut the case is otherwise with Pro- testant Hows and Mucerys, whose sisters, or aunts, or grandmothers | peradventure, may have embraced popery and taken the veil. H. and ta would not feel quite satisfied on the subject of “discipline,” and |as to the influence of “ superiors” touching the Giapoeal of yeopenty. | Into these matters would be anxious to i —with all polite- House of Commons is to inquire if it dares treason ! his Committee shall consist * . * ly and it i that tion will be trusted, the fn ’ no recourse whatever had to the question extraordinary or impertinent. To question their creed or institutions in any way, however, seems to abs emous ee Catholic realot . = oy Saas such questioning so angrily as dow they may not perhaps have the latter tore history as they employ it in political discussion. One suspect that confessors were si witnesses forced to confess the truth, and that the block bts which was a mere taking oaths which were deliberately | Perhaps only

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146 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON (CHARIVARI.

Tas Psnisamentany Burton-nouper. (Poor Ma. Srzaxer!)

A COLLEGE EXAMINATION PAPER. To rae Unuvrtiuaten-~—W.B. Um joao a have entertained London with the Examination Papers, and London Friend, fy writes down his recodections of various problems, et a ee ae of ah and coming to an inn, to treble i 2 if bi Hi uF if <7 Eps? z Er iT FE iaty Ht i than the other, in eee B, the smaller, side of C, takes an observation at A on the ot shortly after finds the the rs ask results of B's observation, and show . a BE's ona heptnny me ne EE tet B ts and A 1.0 quantity slowly movi 5. an area, a y moving about B. Show that in the lapse of a certsin time the quantity A 1 will be found in B, and explain the pheno- menon,

A Rerryep Geytiemay.—NicHoLas boasts of being a refined Gentleman—exeessively refined. We suppose ee his refinement, like that

WAR! Tarite = years have passed away since England sheathed the swor And battle-scarred, war-wasted, gave God thanks for peace restored, With leisure for life’s quiet tasks, and toils, and aims, and arts, In the hum of the world’s workshops, and the press of the world’s | marts. Dacow the Great had fallen! That God of sabre sway, Whose sword carved realms, whose nod made kings or marred, had passed away, And England, who bad grappled with the giant, and had won, Now saw a nobler strife to wage—deeds harder to be done. Sins long condoned to be atoned ; corruptions foul and old To purge out of her bosom ; scum of lies and rust of gold; Chained eet to free from bonds; new worlds to mould and man ; Conscience in Church and State to free from burthen and from ban. Stoutly she set her to the task, and from that hour till now h never once backwards, nor lifted hand from plough ; And, one by hath trophied conquests mightier by far, Tien tng Srerabeanitied ob ths teen otlt af Sen. ‘ aaa : ” aa Miiaiass wonder thought of other strife we had The capats we of Industry What recked we of pike or sun ? In spades and ploughshares, ships, and looms. our iron found employ ; Armies were royal playthings—the sword a silly toy. When, lo, our peaceful dream is broke! And, startled from our t We hear again the measured tramp of soldhone shake the oall 2: Asin tbe dram boowe thre o hermering of guns and swords once more the broadsides ayaa toute through our streets, and shake i’ ona yh: cop ear pee ge ape hath sn d his chain, ap a of north and ah coun. land must lea’ oh, tools lay by, a at ear her wor ald, to do or die ! Not unto us, not unto us, the the hame | Gio bo cnr witness, netal us ee Much we have borne—allehad but honour—still to bar From us and from the nations the awfal Fiend of

—— =

It eye The Fiend is free. And now our work is clear, As in the old time we faced him, we must face him now and here. Not mockingly—not mirthfully—but gravely as men ought Who count their cost by the value of the thimg that’s.te be bought. Our fathers met and mastered the Giant of the ae Had we been minded to be ruled he was in rd! What was Arrrta’s flail of iron to the knout eel this Czar, A Slave himself, drives on his Slaves from icy steppes afar ! | Body and soul he must control whe rules as this man rules. : Down! Kiss the rod! The Czar is.Gap ! Hear, Churches! Listen, hools ! Who crouch to him give life and limb, give thews, and thought, and Light oo night lies, wherever his Quusak hordes draw rein. If ever cause hath hallowed hallowed the a tga be That leap forth m this struggle enslaver and Ter nt ual aed power trae od thf to arms, It is this, that thrills through Lugland we 9 and all Then take thy stand and lift ogi And look the great sun in the And breathe a prayer, head hg tt ee That never was drawn tame oe

Our Lady of -Atocha.

Tur Queen or Spars, according to i has lately denna d Our Lads al Moca tuk “the oats el the Galios he rina nice had Dias’ Lady Of htoohe bas boon iavestodrwites the new Flannel Petticoat. The Czar’s Conundrum. Czar Nicuo.as cri tke » beasiifal las? pe Melani. —— a beautiful lass be, “So many fs epee ee

Horetzss Arrempr.—It appears Friend and the other two Friends, went to the eS ee intention of

trying to ap-pease the tyrant !

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 147 «dL > Famelh, Gon nah of festa. nd eth dom a5 toa, FOUL PLAY IN THE CHURCH. The fact must speak for ait lve you onl tao pollo Tas following advertisement throws a new light on the means by Curious MC you will not tell us 4h pulation of Punch, may sometimes manage to make a liveli-| perhaps ‘tell the greatest exteng: living :— Mr. Pench. , gx have been sold, | A COUNTRY CURATE is ready to supply AMATEURS ONLY with “rt . a is understood to be carried on at | ™ ce “Se ieeld ha'1g know at whose expense Un ’ jokes are

“Ln that certain Members who have taken a Punch as dishonest, ve to understand that Puneh charges

A Ra Ba NC IIe a ay

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nr 148 NAVAL INTELLIGENCE EXTRAORDINARY. N the departure of Str Cuannes Narrer for the Baltic, it was observed, when Her Masesry took leave of the fleet, that one of the men on board the Duke of Wellington had fear- the main topmast, and there joined lnstily in the parting cheer. The position was no doubt chosen to show the height of his loyalty, and we certainly may question if any but a tar could have screwed his enthusiasm to so high a pitch. But, however daring the feat may have seemed, it has since been utterly eclipsed the squadron under ApMina Corry, we are peliably informed by “ our own correspondent ” that— “ The same and exuberant enthasi whieh ifested itself on Saturday on board the ias digplayed on this occasion ; and on the giddy top of the main, fore, and m perched a tar, who holding one hand and with the other wildly ado ag hy A testified alike his daring and his loyalty.” This pi of “atar” perched on three mastheads at once some- what fo i us of the old play-bill announgement of a favourite appearing in pieces. However exuberant a man’s en may be, we yet ean searcely conceive of its enabling him to sit in three places. Indeed, with all our knowledge of con , We must we feel a little puzzled to| know how the feat was aceomplished, and we should be glad if “ our own,” im a future gumbeg of his journal, would condescend to en-| lighten wa. In these days of Yost Blanciom we are of course prepared for almost any amount of climbmg, bus this synehronous ascent to three separate mast-heads has, we must admit, completely astonished ug. Considered merely as a feat of strength we can’t he)p thinking that it’s coming it a little too strong. We have no wish, however, to accuse “ our own” | of any intentional deviation from veracity ; and we therefore think we | shall be putting the most charitable construction on the matter, if we assume that his account was written after dinner: and that when describing his “tar” at so impossible an elevation, the writer possibly himself may have been a little elevated. - — | AN ATTORNEY IN THE COURT OF HYMEN. THexe are more Philosophers in the world than people generally suppose. An Advertisement which appeared in the Hampshire Independent demonstrates this ; in the following very few words :— ATRIMONIAL ALLIANCE OFFICE &c. &c. Legally Established N in 1848. For introducing Ladies and gentlemen, at present unknown to each/ the force of tru Upwards of 7,000, comprising ed and made happy through Maz. Liston’s other who are desirous of entering into matrimony. all classes of society, have been marri assistance during the last four years. Whether Mr. Listow means 7,000 persons or 7,000 couples, doth not appear; but if through his means 3,500 men, and as many women, have been “married and made happy” during the last four years— then certainly does this world, at lonat Her Masesty’s part of it, contain a very considerable proportion of philosophers. Not that marriage, and happiness in co ence, can be said to argue philo- sophy, though happiness in spite of marriage may. But here we have between three and four thousand couples, at the lowest computation, marrying philosophically. In the first place they marry upon an ab- stract principle ; the simple desire to be married: apart from any pre- dilection or passion for the concrete called Loved One, Young Man, Young Woman, or Sweetheart. In the next place they are “ made happy ” by the gratification of that very moderate desire. Now, to find happiness in the satisfaction of metonaie te. philosophy. To the attainment of this felicity, however, it seems that ‘Mr. Liston’s assistance”—in the shape, probably, of wise exhor- tation—is necessary; for, proceeds his advertisement, “And such unparalleled success is the best guarantee that all can be suitably married, irrespective of Age, Appearance, or Position.” There is no degree of superannuation, ugliness, or poverty, to which a match could not be font.’ The difficulty is to persuade Dotard to accept Oro to take Griffin, to put up with Tramp, and vice versa. Me Aad at : gentleman to anion with a lady of corresponding years may be no easy _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL lessly climbed to the truck of | by the exploit of a brother sailor, Fo, on the sailing of be desires is the essence of 'task; and may require a great deal of “assistance” on the part of | | Mx. Liston ; consisting probably of a diseourse on the animportance \of Form. For a decided turn for moralizing is evinced in his an. | nouncement, which thus continues = | “Ladies and gentlemen who are anxious to Marry, but who cannot find suitable Partners amongst their own circle of sequaimtances, should spp immediately, and not wait in the too often fallacious hope of being more successful next year, &c. &c., aud thus waste the most valuable time of life seeking an object that can be attained in &@ month.” In addition to the above valuable advice, Mn. Liston says :-— | “Read the Matrimonial Guide; it contains fall lars for application, and will convinee everybody. Sent gratis to any address for six stamps to pay the postage.” Of what the Matrimonial Guide will convince everybody, Mz. Lastox | not mention. His own “integrity” he offers to prove by refe- | reneces to “ his Bankers and others of respectability.” states that | “as he employs no Agents, the strictest secresy may be relied on,” | concludes with this impressive warning :— “Beware of those who keep Agents, or advertise imaginary referees and testimonials.” To the country gentleman who wants to marry somebody without ing attached to anybody, as an appropriate form of application for the aid of this matrimonial attorney, may be suggested a few senti- mental but simple LINES TO MR. LISTON. An aching void within my heart There is, which be it thine to fill ; I cannot play the lover’s I leave it to thy better ski My bosom yearns for one sweet mate, ly sorrows and my joys to share, For whom? Nay, that I cannot state, I know not—and I do not care ! Seek then for me the being dear Who shall my life with rapture crown, And either send the charmer here, Or let our hands be joined in town. | BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. | Wirtu the bombastic appeals of Nicuoras to the fanaticism of his | slaves, may be contrasted the following language addressed by Quzzn Victoria to her subjects :-— | “ Her Masezsry is persuaded that im so acting, she will have the cordial support of | her people; and that the pretext of zeal for the Christian religion will be used in vain | te cover an aggression undertaken in disregard of its holy precepts, and of its pure and | beneficent spirit. “ Hee Masesty humbly trusts that her efforts may be successful, and that by the | blessing of Providence peace may be re-established on safe and solid foundations.” These simple and solemn words will touch the feelings to which they | are spoken with a power far greater than the effect of the Czar’s melo- | dramatic and bias te invocations. have one iar force ; : wherein they have the advantage, not only over | Nicnoxas’s professions of zeal Christianity, but also over almost | every syllable that he utters. gentle and humble declaration of the Quezn will |read by the Emperor with a horse-laugh, which we hope | changed into a howl. be soon FALSE HAIRS AND GRACES. | Aw indignant father of a family has sent us a ci which he | snatched from the hands of his eldest - at ahaa ‘ladies are imvited by some atrocious in wigs | filthy manufacture, by mixing with their own locks the hair cut from it of other people—frequently on account of fever, and some- imes under circumstances of a still less attractive nature. We share : times with our Correspondent the disgust he feels at for the sake of selling a few sham curls and fictita hood literally into the heads of the rising the female part of it, We are not rather di |his hand,” &c. &c., “is to call an,” &c. &c. We, neverthe a young lady is suspected of w to dash her wig to the

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pda as thon S we | See

A KIND WORD FOR THE CZAR. ome flowers, as we all know, were strewn the grave of Nero—it is supposed hy some solitary friend, inwhose | affections — that I rant held a place. More probably the act was | performed by some, small boy im a spirit of, opposition. 2 motive only a. ascribed the <3. with the Emppnon or Roussra, exhibited in a! recent debate, by the Maaqvuis or Guay. According to the Morn- ing Chronicle— “The ManquisorGnansr | said it was a matter of re- | gret to him to observe the | tone and lan, that had been used by of the Government and others, who were no dn 4 —| entic = be 0 gression — a acer A might be wrong, as well as dangerous to the interests of this country; but it would be more becom- ing this great nation if it entered into the argument! of the facts more in the pirit of the Honourable Member for Manchester than some of the speakers that night.” | “Tt j is difficult to say whether it is more extraordinary that the Marquis or) Gransy should feel for the injared name of Nicnoxas, or that he should coincide | in any sentiment with Mr. Brien. “ He objected to the tone of these speeches, a tone which the Emperor on his part did not employ. The Emperor gave. us fall credit for our desire to maintain the peace of the world, a credit which we, | on the other hand, denied tohim. (Laughter.,” We have given the Czar a —_ deal too much credit for a desire to maintain | the peace of the world. For that desire he has had twelve months’ credit, which s twelve months too much. We gave him — credit, we are sure, than the Mar- Quis ov GranBy would expect from his tail: “He knew that there were gentlemen who saadas that, do what the Emperor would, or say vhat he might, there was an underhand meaning very different from that which appeared ; and he | said that if they entered on the discussion of these blue books aud correspondences in that spirit they could net arrive at the truth.” Few gentlemen doubt the meaning of what the Emprnor or Russia does. There | was no equivocation in the Sinope massacre. But one signification can be attached © his assertions when delivered from the cannon’s mouth. ‘fhe doubt is as to the sense of what from his own. For instance, when he calls himself a gen- (leman, it is clear that he means something else; ‘and @ correet though ine answer to his pretence to be such, would consist in ‘telling him that he is another. “He thought the Honourable Member who had stigmatised Russia as having acted fraudulently vould regret having used such an expression of that power.” W hy, any any more than having epolied the same expression to the conduct of any ‘ gent ” that has been sent to the House of Correction during the past week! One should rather rather rejoice in having gegnaed so temperate, yet just, an expression vhen one’s indignation might have hurried one into the use of coarse substantives and adjectives, and even participles of alow and profane description. “Then came the Vienna note, which the Emperor, who was called ‘the disturber of the public pence, was willing to accept. What Russia wished for was the Protectorate of the Greek Church. Was there in that demand anythin 4 that we should really be afraid of? Was there anything in that demand that showed she wished to take Constantinople ?” Of course there was not os ating the demand that showed any such wish- Good care was taken that ould be nothing of the sort, Really such a juestion is unworthy of the name of the noble Maxguis. So simple an inter- rogatory may be regarded as the sign of the Green rather than that of the When, for nel destrorng« ingle life by viol dividual is called en, - merely a single wA y violence, an indivi is a number of names

assassin, the question which Lorp|; Gaawsy may be invited to nia is, uals to describe the Czar as “ the disturber of "the public peace,” is not to speak of him with a gentleness so extreme as to be absurd.

Ry Fy two Philharmonies, the = and the New. : The ite P. ned aways the other generally empty. usicians, W nm they wish to istingui the former its young rival, make a musical point of calling it the * ’ Dah Ee monic,” The allusion to the emptiness of the old institution is once, ‘

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL THE DOMESTIC CAMPAIGN Aas! must we have no Reform, On account of this pestilent war ? Can we only sit quaking, and list for the storm Of battle, to roar from afar ? Because “d the Russians and nay Must there be an i To the whole of our 7 works ? In fact, must we all stub up The season that now is at hand The winter of trade must it be, Because Franee and England have fakes thei r sland, In arms, that Roe pee? As far as appearances go There’s somewhat more pleasant to hope ; No doubt we shail all due anxiety show, But let us not uselessly mope. The opera, with ente bold, As usual has Te And the New Teel oy as Oe as the Old, ani with Concerts by scores, LBERT SmiTu makes the ascent Blanc—attraeting a shoal-— Non matter what eyes on the Bear are inteut, Now climbing Ambition’s long pole, His ecarpet-bag Wooprn unpacks, His sketch-book displays every night, Albeit ‘that Mussulmans strive with Cossacks, Britons and Muscovites fight. Ventriloquist, Wizard, and Bard Who pours the extemporised lay, Mr, Jacoss contrives, without any regard To Russia, to conjure away. Wy p’s Great Globe continues to draw we a of pet mad autocrat, J scorn ing a fasten, oe unheeding all law, covets of Ths Art-Exhibitions oh not not This summer be closed, » Sy the fears And excitement occasioned Wd our having got With Muscovy’s Czar by the ears. And well it is these things are so, , of the none 5 thumps, . That one would be far the most mischievous h!ow That struck us all into the dumps. As heartless their object ne’er blame Amusement who strive to impart ; At a time such as this our most sensible aim Is to keep one another in heart,

FEMALE EMPLOYMENT. Lid Siz, “In these days of starving va gee governesses and ae po are so sham: fully = may I take the ge AF ing a new opening for female employment, wi w would be attended with the most beneficial and td results. It is well guid the many annoyance that bachlors are alma. di to in connection with their linen. Legal stu perhaps, suffer the most in shave teying cuarpsestes, as there “yer do is ped ——_ even a laundress—on the premises, fo assistance. Now my sugges- thon 1s neti Pink thi 4 ra number of women vee im th the Inns every morning with t charitable j oF sewing stitching, and mending all realise a very large income. should "take - between nine and ten in the morning the day’s studies tame, they might give notice of their eee Ff pg pln sony ee shirts to mend ? wi be very large, and that the business the td be an immense boon to all distressed How cen as the teger of the Whole by a shirt minus a * Yours, Sir, in ry: seriousness, “Aw Ovw Bacueton.”

VOL. XXVI.

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a aoe 1 _PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART.

SOME NEW QUESTIONS TO AN OLD TUNE. Gris a Briton meet a Russian i shy, To come upon the Russian Won't the Briton try ? Gin a Russian aim at Turkey YF While a Briton ’s nigh, » wis, When hen thn Mussint'beey the Briton Won’t the Russian fly ? <2. Gin eh Paine Briton Shall his utmost try, Ere he truckles to the Russian Won’t the Briton die

| | “The Northern Lights.” | Iv these Lights are supplied with Russian | tallow, the sooner they take in a gcod supply of it, we think, the better, unless they have | particular desire to shine as one of t the lights lof other days. La eae by, we are continually | hearing of the “barbarian darkness of the

} a $s THE | North,” and yet, in spite of all its tallow, there SHARP'S WORD. lis no nation in such a state of darkness as } ADMIRAL PUNCH’S SIGNAL TO THE FLEET. | Russia !

—_ ———_<_<—_$—_——<——— — ioned by the he ht A ROMANCE OF ROME. serie of he pe no ment ee ee of the pips are still to be seen at the are ratory.

‘Pus literary pape of ultra-Protestantism are generally spoken of as serious journals ; but those of the opposite party appear more deserving SSS of the ap lation. Our ultramontane contemporary, the Zad/et, reviews | a biography, one of the series of Oratorian Lives, called “The Life of QUOD NUNC DESCRIBERE LONGUM EST. Saint Francis of Assisi,” which for seriousness in the narration of yr Poycy’s contemporaries, who are always on the watch for some the most —— events, may not only be said to surpass the once animal, mineral, or vegetable wonder, have lately discovered, in Cali- famous Methodist Magazine, but also the ‘onderful ditto ; and at least fornia, a tree. which grows to the height of 360 La and measures %) to equal the personal memoirs of Mr. Lemurs. GuLiiv ER. Having, feet in circumference. And th ey affirm that when one of these trees without abaiement of his own vity, mentioned an occasional inter jad fallen through decay, a horseman rode into the hollow trunk for ruption of that of the Saint, A om he says, used to be raised “ into the upwards of a hundred eet, and then found apace to turn his horse air during his contemplations, so high sometimes that he was even out pound and ride out again. Now Mr. Punch has no objection to the of sight,” at which times we suppose he was seen by multitudes of production of this tree-mendous article in print. tolerate it as “the faithful,” the Reviewer quotes the following as an authentic fe tolerated the “colossal cucumber” and “ on gooseberry ” of fact :— blessed memo He —_ that the a of the press must “ A Mimacte ov Sr. Faancts.—The earliest authors of the life of our Saint record live, and as, i ? my Lorp Dersy er succeed in preventing a very singular miracle which he performed on his route in the house of a gentleman. All the inhabitants of the place wm quae to the great square to bear him preach. A them from publishing the oa, Oat they will t ‘be — bg an Ar female servant who had been left in a house to take care of a child, wishing to hearthe their power of invention for t of subsistence, Mr sermon, left the child alone. On ber return she found the child dead, and half boiled would not have them allow that useful faculty AF he rusty. le in a copper of hot water, into which it had fallen. She took it out, and, in order to ease a tree the hide icine from the father and mother, she shut it up in a trunk; the parents, them, then, ee. | A 1 Boon Be (aor ay th a... at | however, learnt their misfortune, which was the more afflicting as this was their only shade even the whole o Ose myt le at | ebild. The busband entreated his wife not to let ber distress appear, out of respect Vauxhall, but let them not presume to upon Mr. Punehs for the servant of Gov, who was to dine with them. During dinner Fraycrs endea- me vince by interlarding their imaginative iptions with jokes. h voured to inspire them with a holy joy, knowing what the Atmiowry had in store for their consolation, and at the end of dinner he feigned to wish to eat some apples. e Morning Advertiser, after na cm the ren foe by ne tues, They expressed their regret that they had none to offer him; but pointing to the trunk actually says, “ This tree is said to be an yom ary Ut Too hy che thas ry see Ras Cah et roo nena eee he reall Sent | rom ji. ghent sine, wa should imeies 3 8 to bes “a was in Vain a y ass re nsis on @ ee t jus comments on i t he tru f hid o the trunk commode Santen, to shige hie and with view of hiding the object | which wept gum,’ but remarkable as { thoes cues wees moe their tears | alive and well, and with a smiling countenance, holding an apple in each hand. this is at least as remarkable for its size (sighs).” The Mormn Transported with joy he carried the child and placed it in the arms of the holy man. F/era/d opines that the officer who rode into the tree was deterred from (Pages 36, 37).” proceeding farther by his fear that he should not be able to find the Certainly this would be “a very singular miracle,” if it were true. | route (root); and the Standard surpasses all the other offenders, by Its moral meaning is pestionen, singular. In the natural course of suggesting that the horse may have been frightened by the tree’s bark.” things, children are apt to tumble into the fire, or into coppers, and —_ generally to pet into scrapes and hot water by reason of being im- properly leit y, their nursemaids. Whether the cause of the abandon- The Tide of Opposition. ment be the policeman round the corner, or a popular preacher in the London adjoining square, the practice of such dereliction is very undesirable ; FR eee at pe ee sopmeans Gartie af oe ote oh and the story of a miracle wrought to repair its consequences does not iF. r Thames, who, it be said literally, is.alw s running a muci, sppene to be a very edifying anecdote. How the parents showed their | : ; foundation ceil Corporation fo for the Saint by hiding their distress from him, is not clear; and not without some f for his airt, the and indeed the distress which could be concealed: so easily, seems con- | siderably less than natural on such an occasion. The pretence of the |

THE WISH WAS PATHER TO THE THOUGHT.

holy man that he wanted apples, and the appearance of the infant with | Tut Exreron or Rvssia has forbidden the of hemp one in each hand, pare = reminds us of some wonderful performances | from his dominions. So much the better for civi : give his that we e have witnessed—on the part of Clown and _Pantaloon. The | rope enough, and he’ll realise the old adage. _— ——— aa

gaaernent sv ese oa eeaeo & = { ceecers &

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4 wih eS 7 ss — — WN MP... iy WY, (gl “vA PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI A ° -2t£2 ——~Anag ——— = 4? . joa os ‘- . A FANCY PORTRAIT.—MR. STURGEON. THE “WALKING” GENTLEMEN-AT-ARMS. Tue necessity for sending our troops abroad has led to the consider- | ation of how we may economise our forces at home, and the subject | ; has produced the following short conversation—or legislative duet— nominally till in the House of mons : | “ Me. Wanwer rose, in pursuance of notice, to ask the Secretary at War whether the Government are willing to ider the expediency of entrusting the ordinary escort duty of Hen Masusty to the Queen's Guard of the Honourable Corps of | Geatlemen-at-Arms instead of employing a cavairy regiment. At a moment when | they were sending troops abroad,it might be weil to avail ourselves for this special service of a corps in all # thoroughly efficient for such a purpose, except that they were not mounted, ( Honourable Gentleman throughout his question was greeted with considerable laughter). “Ma. 8. Hererer said —Sir, in uence of the notice given by the Honourable Gentleman, I made some inquiries into the subject, and obtained some information as to the constitution of this corps. (Laughter). But as I find thereby that they have not been in of horses for a period of 150 years (much ter), 1 am afraid that their disuse of mounts might incapacitate them for the duties they would be called on laughter).” t fulfil. (Great As it appears that the Gentlemen-at-Arms have not had a horse for a coutens and a half, it is falling off among the corps if any attempt were made to turn it into a| body of cavalry. It would indeed be cruel to set any unfortunate fellow on horseback for the first time in his life, to act as an escort to the Sovereign ; and indeed, unless the Gentlemen-at-Arms were to be strapped on by the legs, it is doubtful whether they would not have to vacate their seats in a rather undignified Perhaps it might manner. of the Government whether it would not be to gre “the honourable corps” half a dozen | he public expense, to enable them to hold on for | be required to do duty, instead of a cavalry on Her gesty. P an arrangement onourable corps on veloci which as Palace and the Houses of Parliament | ide pleasantly enough over the ground, and i eep pace with the royal carriage without being called on for gs in the way of horsemanship, of which they appear to be i . It is quite evident that the Gentlemen-at-Arms are not as yet fit to trust to anything but their legs, and though it is their duty to be in | attendance on the diplomatic circle, a few days’ attendance on AsTLEY’s | Sete ugh at a Drawi Room ae 2. 1. eno} a w or Levee as su | Sort of theatrical di ‘ba ang . The Sawney Bean of the North. Sawer Bean—according to Seotch chronicles—was wont to live | and fatten himself upon babies. The Sawxzy Rowanorr of Russia is to be to certain —alter the like fashion. All little chieks—such as the infant Keform Bi toddling Public Li Bill—are to have the straightway up to the maw of | ° pusvions stops the way; aud of living interest is to be meraries in a| display, but at present their utility must be confined | i ong ———_——— THE (GRATUITOUS) EXHIBITION OF THE ROYAL ACADEMY. Tuover the exhibition of the Royal Academy does not open May, there was an exhibition on a much larger scale at rafalgar Square last week, than will be seen this year within the walls of the National Gallery, We were present at the opening of the Exhi- bition, which had much of the effect of a moving panorama, and the | pictures were extended in spring vans, displayed in cabs, carried in the | arms, or hanging on the painters’ hands, as many of them are likely to | do for some time, while an eager multitude thronged round, to catch the best glimpse they could of productions which may not be destined again to be seen in public. e shall not criticise an exhibition of the very indiscriminate nature we have described, nor shall we say anythin to wound the affectionate pride with which the would-be Titian hugge to his arms the piece of high art which is destined at some future day | to take a very high place over his own chimney-piece. There were some touching instances of pain shown by artists at resigning to other custody their cherished productions, but as the | probable that there would be a frichtful | artists in question and their works are likely to meet again very soon— certainly within a month—it would be a waste of sympathy and pathos | to grow sentimental on such a subject. FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE. Mas. De Porstz Howrrow Lacgy does not intend coming up t town this year, but has already signi her intention of remaining at her country villa at Bay until the autumn, when she will transfer her elegant establishment, as usual, to This resolution has been the source of great regret and unceasing lamentation amongst Mas. De Porwtz Lacey’s six unmarried daughters, and has caused no little panic in the most distinguished circles of Pentonville, where their beauty and accomplishments created, it may be recollected, so great a sensation two years ago. Their absence is to be attributed to the War, as their worthy and respected mother has been heard more than once to give audible expression to her fears that the London season this year, in consequence of the absence of so many officers, who are en on their duties in the East, will be a very dull one. This is not the only maternal breast by many, we have good reason for stating, on which the same vague has operated with precisely a similar effect.—Fashionable Paper. What Ho! Apothecary ! Mr. Brackett, in the Oxford debate of Friday, complained that the study of medicine had been entirely neglected at the University. This seems the more inconsistent, qumiiaing how much of the education ini there is a mere drug. A SANITARY REGULATION. (Respectfully submitted to the Board of Health.) We wish a Quarantine Law could be established, and rigidly enforeed against all Persons who had proved themselves in Society to be Pests or Plagues.

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| shade of—blue. 152 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Then comes Botany, and then Geology, wherein the following jn. quiries are propounded, among others :— “10, In the Palmozoic era, what names are given to the principal groups of anim and particularly to the fishes of the Devoman strata. “11. In the secondary series, what strata prevailed? Name them in succession. “12. In what strata are the fossil reptilia the most abundant? Specify some of th sanrians, “13. In reference to the chalk, distinguish the upper from the lower strata, ax describe two of its great beds in basins in England. “14. In what respect did the fishes of the chalk period differ from those of th earlier strata?” Chalk beds are not four-posters. Basins are earthenware, not chalk These, perhaps, are the most satisfactory responsts that would ix returned to the preceding interrogations. — ; Chemistry is the next article ; and the gentle pupil is required : say— “18. To what cause may the expansion of bodies be aseribed ?” To eating and drinking more than is proper for them, the re; might possibly be. . She is also to solve this riddle :— ‘21. How can we have ice and boiling water In the same vessel ?” “By shipping ice from Wenham Lake in a steamer,” she ma answer. Then she is called on to “26. Give a suecinet account of the chemical action in burning a candle, mentioning the effects and products of the combustion.” Supposing the candle to be a composite, she might safely describe the result as a decomposition ; and might add, that if the candle were burned at both ends, its combustion would be attended with a rapid disappearance of tin. ; Under the head of “ Histoire de France,” she is requested to ALL FOOLS DAY. declare— . “15. Quel Age avait Louis XV. & l'époque de son avénement, qui fat t dant Vagrant Juvenile, “Ht! Cartin! You've propped rer Moos- sa minorité, et a qui donna-t-il sa confiance ?”” . pecan | TARCHURS.” [Gent is arrested by a horrible feeling of doubt and dread. Rather a delicate question, the latter. In connection with History Vagrant Juvenile. “On you Aprit Foot! !” at large, she is asked— — — ———_— —— —_———— “18. Who were the Seven Sages of Greece? Give some account of the poets.” y A large order, as commercial gentlemen say, in regard to the poets. FOR LADIES. One more question from Mythology— As Swirrt justly observes, wicked Witt Wuistow failed to discover} “* What secount does history give of Cybele?” | the longitude. Mr. Punch, however, has made an important discovery Pretty much as reliable an account as it gives of CixpERELLA, might bearing on that subject. He has found out the reason of the length of| be not very impertinently responded. | ladies’ gowns. He always suspected that the stockings were atthe} It must not be inferred from any of the above remarks that J/ | bottom of it. Such turns out to be the case. ‘The stockings are| Punch disapproves of the cultivation of the fevrale mind to the utmost otherwise than white. But the case is not quite so bad as some ney extent of its powers. The more a lady knows about the crust of the | fear. ‘he colour of the stockings is nothing worse than a very dark| earth the better, if she possesses a corresponding acquaintance with the formation of pie-crust. And as to mathematics, let her be 4 So.ne printed examination papers, pxt forth as having been set at a| wrangler, as long as she keeps her temper in common argument. young ladies’ school, have been forwarded to Mr. Punch. In corrobo- ration of the view above advanced, Mr. Punch will cite a few questions en eee from them ; beginning with “ Geometry :”— “4, Define a circle.” THE SEWERS, ALIVE AND KICKING. The answer expected to this question, cannot well be imagined.| TH® Sewers Commission which was reported to have committed That which it micht receive in some cases, may be supposed to be | suicide a few weeks ago, seems to have “ seotched” instead of having “ A wedding-ring.” quite killed itself. The Home Office refuses to put the poor thing out ia ee - of its misery; and the Commission is, therefore, neither dead net 2. What is an isosceles triangle ? alive; or, to use a more familiar phrase, it is in a “deadly lively” The question being understood, the reply perhaps would be, rather | condition. ee ia ‘ ; amd generally :—“ The shape of a nasty little vistehed sandwich that one| . It is characteristic of the “ruling passion strong in death,” that gets at Mrs. Astertsk’s evening parties.” the Commission, which has always dove things by halves, has only m half killed itself. It is unfortunate that nobody will give the finishing 5. Mention the two corollaries dedneed from Prop. xxxii.” blow to a body that has such a knack of leaving things undone, that '* A corollary would naturally be conceived of by not a few young | cannot even finish itself off in a business-like manner. We object ‘0 ladies as poor sort of an ponivan Bi for the neck. ’ Founs | suicide in any shape; but really we cannot help thinking that when “7. Ded " honourable gentlemen have made up their minds to do away with egy e-~taagaet themselves, they should “do it, not leave the task” to the Home The definition would he vague, most likely. ‘ Something horrid ” | Office, which bas enough on its hands without being called in to puts would be the most perspicuous that could be reasonably expected. riod to a parcel of unprofitable existences. The Commission 0 Next comes “ Algebra;” a little’ whereof will go a considerable! re is at present in a dying state, in consequence of a self-inflicted way :-— blow, which was not decisive enough to be immediately fatal, and the “1, Wael, = 3c m5,d eo, find the valusof 22-4 °° y °>*_ 24+ ® | result is, that we are bored with a death-scene as long as that of 4 rs 6 ¢ c rovincial Richard the Third who, after having been regularly riddled wage aig aboupidang: boouh the body in a dozen places, by Richmond's sword, has stills "2. Reduce to their simplest forms— supply of vital sparks sufficient to keep him hopping and fizzing abov' (a — 2) — (22 —«) — (2— 24) + (8 —92) — (i—2) the stage for ten minutes, like a nearly ex cracker. Cat (22 %—2y*#— 2%) — By2 + 229— 2%) — (929 By2?— x, nobody put the Commission out of its misery ? Our own corresponde! {2a*—(3ab—s%} ee {et—(4ad + b)}+{252—(ar—a)] Echo, has nothing to say by way of answer but “ Misery.” ‘3. Multiply 9a? — 34d) + 62 — 6a — 2b + 4by Ba + b+ 2.” — The resemblance between the above formule, and those of “Miss 4.) New Trtt#.—Pataterston, in consequence of his strong advocacy drop 1,” &c., would doubtiess occasion a solution of the problems to’ of Turkey, goes by the name now of “ Tur Jupiciovs Borriz-nowp#! be attempted in crochet, \or THE Porte.” ND —

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THE WRONGS OF SCOTLAND. | Tue Eart or Eenetouw made a motion on the wrongs of Scotland, and then ~y ~ ae pe hy yh ise his prudent | countryman, detec i rough a e by the proprietor on the other side, he has “gone bock agam.” There is, however, no heart | in the House of Lords; or, if there be, it is a heart of brains; hearts | being, at times, ly composed of such misused material. The House of Lords did not contribute the “ meed of one melodious tear ” in answer to the bagpipe oratory of the noble Earl, groaning, snorting, straining, p= ae unto a chorus of lunatic peacocks—with the wrongs of - And wherefore this apathy—this coldness of the ioral sense—to the erying Wrongs of Seotland? Alack! The! . patriotie British peers at that moment bethought them of the wrongs f England, done unto her cuttysark sister. Was there not, at the time, the Ear or ABerpeen, that Scotch pebble, the Prime Minister f England? Has he not blown up the war, when—even as heretofore, blowing his porridge—he, all the while, believed he was cooling it? If Scotland has not her right sort of lion—has England, it has been asked, her proper sort of Premier? With a Gorpow at the head of British aflairs—with what face can Scotland complain of the iniquities wreaked upon her, by her southern sister? Nevertheless, with a lively hope of | obtaining the the very ear—of the Government to the erievances of Scotland, the Eargt or Eotrwtoun had jotted down a) few compensating matters that were to enter by way of full satis-| faction to long-suffering Caledonia, ‘The noble Earl having with- drawn his motion, in the most liberal manner has handed over the pre-| pared list to be primted in the pages of the ever-equitable Punch. We give a sample (being short of space) of the things required : That when in Scotland the Scottish Lion should take precedence | of the Lion British. That when in England, the Scottish Lion would have no objection to give the pas to the pet of Britannia. That Hyde Park should be moved to the vicinity of Edinburgh ; and | that the timber flourishing in Kensi Gardens should be pledged | to be in leaf, themselves or by proxy, mime months in the year in Perth | or Giasgow. } That every Scotch thistle (when and for so long a time as it pleased) | should be allowed to as an English rose. } That the Tweed no longer separate the two countries, but be bottled off, and deposited in the Bank cellars. That—by way of some reparation being made to the neglected | Ordnance Department —Mons Meg should fire nothing less than silver | balls on salutimg occasions’; the balls to become the property of whom- soever shall find them. That, to remedy the present deficiency of Scotch state officers, there should be instituted the dignity of Brimstone-Stick-in- Waiting. That Holyrood House should be made a Crystal Palace, with power | to add to the number. That there should be a Scotch Lord Chancellor, expressly appointed tosit—not upon a luxurious woolsack—but upon a sack stuffed with | actual thistles. That all Seotchmen wanting s shall—by such proved fact—he | allowed to take their seats as Scoteh members in the Imperial Parliament. | That the Scottish lion—in deference to the known superior morality and piety of the Scoteh people— shall be allowed the privilege of | wearing two tails; one tail to wag on working days, and the other to} rest on the Sabbath. That, asasmall recompense for his patriotism, the Ear. or Eotiwroun be permitted to quarter a Haggis Proper in his arms, or to take it whole, as he pleases, i dusneceatntsiamaitininnsssemeenenens RIVAL PAPER-MAKERS. Tae Exprror or Ausra has petitioned the Exrzron or Russia | that the Austrian Troops, if sent into the Principalities, be not compelled totake Russian paper-money. How wise and business-like this is! It is | on a par with the subterfuges and tricks that opposition tea-dealers resort | to in order to allure each other's custom. Austria knows well enough that if the Russian paper Fon into the market there will be but | little chance for their own. We wonder it did not petition at once that | the troops should be paid in nothing but Austrian paper-money. It could have made but little difference to the troops themselves, for the value of the paper, no matter whether it came from Vienna or St. Petersburg, would have been about the same. In the meantime, it remains to be proved how these paper-soldiers will stand fire! A Bussian Rushlight. Orno, the Ki of Greece, has been converting his small dominions into a candle, which, in the spirit of the well-known proverb, he is holding to Nicwotas. He had beware lest the candle should be snuffed out, and the candlestick peremptorily disposed of. ‘There’sa duty to do, and UNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE QUESTION, THE “BRIGHT” SIDE OF THE QUESTION. | ) RarPLe with wrong, however strong, Whatever the struggle may cost us ; Think nothing gain while | wrong-doers remain, Nothing loss till honour | is lost us, Nail the flag to the mast, and fight to the | ist ; Submission like the pes’ shun.” Oh this is the voice of Eng- land’s choice And “the Right side of the Question.” * Count well the cost. What in honour’s lost ter school, And “ the Bright side of the Question.” “ strong bully who’d wreak his wrath on the weak Mast be taught there is a stronger ; The thief in his course of fraud and force Must be let to prowl no longer. Should ail, lead pills like hail Of our offers will aid digestion.” Oh this is the voice of England’s choice, And “the Right side of the Question.” “ Ne’er ask of two foes, which provoked to blows ; With the stronger make alliance. Poeket sneer or flout, if it come to the knout, You may dodge, but don’t offer defiance. f the Czar we resist down goes cotton twist ; Non-resistance is our suggestion.” Oh this is the rule of the Manchester school, And “ the Bright side of the Question.” “ These Calmuck slaves, these Calmuck knaves, Would tread out thought and culture ; But the talons we ’ll snip, and the wings we ’ll clip Of the black Carpathian vulture. The carrion bird, from the swoop deterred, Henceforth shall the Turkey’s nest shun.” Oh this is the voice of England's choice, And “the Right side of the Question.” “The Russians sell corn and tallow as well, And also hemp and bristles; Raise their om, — — = lost, payment or war. whistles « Let £. s. d. our standard be ; And e other test shun.” Oh this is the rule of the Manchester school, And “the Bright side of the Question.” ” Toke then ange far than blood or war, ' things than cotton-spinning ; Such as Right and Truth, and Honour and Kath, And Glory for the winning ! we ll carry it through ; Nor, Levite-like, the opprest shun !” Oh this is the voice of England’s choice, And “the Right side « Question.” “ Spin—spin—spin—spin! Timn—tin—tin—tin! Yan makes money and vice versd ; As ’twixt and Bear, for customer, Though an ugly one, best have Ursa. Ne’er fash your thumbs, so the money comes ; To ask whence it comes we ’d best shun.” Oh this is the rule of the Manchester school, And “ the Bright side of the Question.”

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154 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ae, mf = SSE ee ae iM, Vy, TTL, 44 146917444 Wits, Tid ube: “i Mt : Bi ' Ne i aaa #. = | ae | “% S : | 3 \ SS A My > ENTER MR. BOTTLES, THE BUTLER. Master Fred. “Tuene! Twtat’s caritat! Stanp stitt, Borries, axp I’tt stow you now tHe Cuigsz po tue Kxire Trick AT THE PLAY.” (Borties is much interested. | = THE WAR AND THE WOMEN. | GUY FAWKESOFF’S GUNPOWDER PLOT IN THE BALTIC. Tuere is one of the “horrors of war” that has hitherto escaped | Amone the foreign intelligence published by some of our contem- publie observation, but it is'a horror which is beginning to excite | poraries, is mentioned a plan for the destruction of the British fleet in universal alarm amongst the unprotected females of England. It is all | the ic, imvented by an ingenious Russian gentleman, whom very well for the troops away cheerfully, with their bands playing |Nicuonas, if it answers, will handsomely reward. Large masses of “ The Girls we leave behind us,” but some of the girls that are left | stone, or boulders, have been placed on the ice, im order that, when it behind find it very t to reconcile themselves to such an easy melts, they may sink, and become artificial whereon our gallant and off-hand mode of treatment. One girl of our acquaintance, who is vessels are to founder. In addition, these lumps of rock have been not likely to be left, ¥ery long bebind, writes on the war question as | charged with gunpowder, communicating, by means of wires, with follows : — abe ego in net Soe means whereof, should “ It has a serions ladies. We read every day-of a draught | the ship escape founcering, It may wi Up. of fine young men. “Fectioye Oh parkaes 600, nse sent off he rot There wor'tbe| Otur contemporaries have not deseribed the contrivanee for insulating any one left worth having. There will really be no alternative for us but the Church. | the wires, without which this clever device would prove abortive, and The clergy will have it all their own way. | which would have to resemble of the submarine telegraph in There is something very pathetie in this lamentation over the per- | every particular, except im bein t y stronger, im order to stand petual draught of “fine young men,” and the idea of throwing more the rolling and bumping of the ers. young women into the arms of the clergy, who have already got their | , From a peculiar source Of mformation, we are enabled to state that hands full of the sex, is very far from satisfactory. As it is, we have | the shortest of the instlating cables is a hundred miles long, and is nearly every pareen besieged with slippers, worked by fair hands, and | principally com not of gutta percha, as was originally intended, | inundated with tea-pots, purchased by the subscriptions of imfatuated | ut © India rubber, to allow for stretching. For the same reason the females; but, when the clergyman is the ouly article left in the |'Wires.are formed of gold, that metal bemg superior to copper in | matrimonial market, we expect that not even the poorest eurate | ductility. These two circumstances are calculated to give some idea | will be safe in his surplice from the too affectionate grasp of some of | of the gigantic resources of the Russian empire. — , the “girls” that the soldiers have “left behind them.” | It does not appear that the intelligence of this formidable arrange- ment for the annihilation of the Baltic fleet has created any t . ———— = : : cnnonent amongst on Sens and = believe it has also been related to the brave corps of Marines without i i i hei Riteabinteg Mhadants. 7 bane ps ines without in any way disturbing their Tur Qlode mentions a ci tance, respecting Howarp the philan- Tf : | thropist, which constitutes by far the strongest instance on reeord of | The Turf. that illustrious man’s benevolence. It is that he, at the age of 25, | married a first wife who was then 52. Howanp is generally admitted| Iw pure admiration of the ill-nsed Nremoras, it is said that Lorp to have been an individual who was in advance of his age : but few are | Denny ahd the Marquis or Gmawsy intend, in their own august aware that the first Mrs. Howaxn’s so greatly exceeded that of her | persons, to run this year for the Empgror’s Cur. If the Marquis should husband. j — to win, there are heavy odds against his winning by a head. >

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PET OF THE MANCHESTER SCHOOL. \ “HE SHALL HAVE A LITTLE TURK TO PULL TO PIECES—THAT HE SHALL.” ee —_ - - - — - -- --- - = a wat - Apri, 15, 1854.) Pusen, No. 666,

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| of a character both diversified and superior. SONG AND SUPPER. oe - ow then, waiter, bring that} gentleman’s kidneys ! ” “Gentlemen, give orders; give your orders, gentlemen: whisky brandy rum hollands gin; rum gin hollands brandy and whisky.” “Cigar, Sir? Yes, Sir.” “Gentlemen, if you please I'll sing a song.” “ Attens tion, gentlemen, if you please for a glee!” The respectable medical practitioner, who wears blae clothes, a white tie, and a staid countenance, smi gently, speaks mildly, goes softly, and demeans ht altogether in a care decorous manner, will f@> member where he was Wont to hear the cries and shouts above specified, at a time when he used to sport a} pilot coat,carry a cudgel, drink frothing pots of stout, one at a pull, smoke cigars, and whistle and sing “ Va ri-ety!’’ about the streets. Those exclamations were then familiar to PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. your | } In the " Nee baie her subjects, of defeat wato her foemen ; Of a family A GOD-SPEED TO THE FLEET. Sali on, good ships! go, gallant men! with a people’s prayer to guide May winds still your canvas {ill ; no evil hap betide you, pen the course that NeLson steered you once again are steering ; y his spirit be your spirit—feared by all, and nothing fearing. The little Fairy leads the van—with our island Queen to guide her— m Ocean gently beareth, as a proud horse bears his rider ; ay cloud of duck from deck to truck, the huge hulls follow after, the sea-breeze loud, in sheet and shroud, pipes with a jubiMnt Qugen’s name, with glad acclaim, the nation hails an omen our old Admiral’s—for is he not the ess ? — that ne’er knew fear, acknowledged the most fearless. @ause your prowess draws to the and to the Nor’ ward if Bhae tt = hore cor Viking Sires bore Raven banner forward. after fleet such heart-whole went sinee the proud invader d the narrow seas, with his “ Invincible” Armada, And Old England’s heart leapt up, as now again tis | ; Nor she then more gallant men to hold her flag in coting And if owr Queen be of gentler mien, her silken robe is hiding A — as throbbed ‘neath the steel of Quezn Buss at Tilbury riding. Great is the charge laid on us in the glories we inherit : St. Vincent’s name—and Nesox’s fame—and Consinewoon’s pure merit ; his ear. He was in the habit of hearing them of nights, or rather! of early mornings, vociferated in a subterranean supper-room, by the landlord and waiters of a large hotel in Covent Garden. Thither was it his custom to resort after the theatre, to eat poached eggs or devilled kidneys, or scalloped oysters, or Welsh rabbit, or all these things, and to drink a quantity of beer in addition to all that| he had swallowed between the acts, followed by several goes of hot grog, with concomitant cigars. His ears, in the meanwhile, were regaled with a few glees, nearly always the same, bellowed and shrieked over brandy and water by certain professional gents, and an occasional song, equally familiar, which the landlord, who presided at the central table, volunteered to bawl. Comic songs in the cockney vernacular, and extemporaneous doggrel of a personal nature, in the same language, completed the harmony of the evening. The medical student of those other days recalls a scene of enjoyment approaching to dissipation, and mirth not very far remote from vulgarity. | iy The present correct attendant of genteel and serious families may now be horrified at the idea of going to “ Evans’s,”—/a’e Joy’s—as the place was called in his pupillary days, and was so called, not without reason. But it has ceased to merit that addition. Its joys commence before nine o’clock. As regards the ear, they are derived from singin They are not ‘henagied oy cries for gentlemen’s kidneys, and shouts for orders. The succession too, of the performances is immediate; they are given from a plat- form, and not over brandy-and-water. The sense of propriety which has been acquired in the cultivation of patients, would no more be offended by the songs of other years. Their notes, falsetto and bass, are silent now, even as the voice of Wirt Wartcn, the bold smuggler, who at last really sleeps at peace with the dead—peace undisturbed by a requiem of jingling tumblers and ardent spirit-rapping of tables. This statement. is oak from the personal experience of a visit to the underground Hall of Harmony; which, though it lies as deep as ever, is by no means a low place, and may be pronounced to have been greatly elevated. The entertainment consists of old madrigals and glees, and a variety | of popular and classical modern musie ; with drawing-room songs of the ———$——— Parryian order: the programme, nevertheless, not excluding “ The Little Pigs lie in the best of Straw,” bat not being inclusive of anything less | suitable to the boudoir. The evening to which this account refers was | also enlivened by a SLOMANIC improvisation—at the expense, however, | of an absent party—that party being the Czan or Muscovy. Some eight chorister-boys, with as many male singers, besides two or three comic vocalists, constitute the staff of the establishment, and another staff is contributed by the veteran Yon Joxz1, who whistles “ Rousseau’s Dream” and other touching melodies on a walking stick, The performances generally were such as to be highly satisfactory to this present eritie, particularly as he paid nothing to hear them | beyond a reasonable price for his refreshments—which he really did pay for, and is not wubing out their amourt in this notice, it being| intended solely for the benefit of rational young men who cannot affor to subscribe to glee and madrigal societies, and may be glad to know | of a place which offers all the amusement afforded by those associations, | in addition to a supper, of which the cost is moderate, and which is| the only thing to pay for. lthat may be ordered for the East. To your hands we give in keeping our treagute of sea-glory ; Be it yours to add new chapters to that immortal story | Now TaHat THe Hunxtine Season 1s OVER, some PaTRIoTIC Fo_Lowrn® or Tae Case vouunteer To po Dury at tue Honse Guanps DURING THE ABSENCE OF THE HovusenMoLD CAVALRY. Military Intelligence. Tne expected arrival of the Militia has caused the greatest alarm and jealousy at Winchester. A spirit of the strongest dissatisfaction reigns, it is fe: throngh the ranks of the Police; and, if not speedily checked with a firm hand, may spread into a serious ¢meute. It is reported in one of the most hospitable kitchens, where his well- known t distinguished Sergeant talks of sending in his resignation, with a view of a his services to his count them, allow him the same rank in any regiment, line or cavalry, try often forms the topic of lond eulogium, that a , if the War Office will only accept | —

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ws 158 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Hiatt be SS ill b | “WHAT 4 STUNNING MEERSCPAUM YOU'VE GoT THERF, CHARLEY!” “Yrs, I THINK IT WILL BE HANDSOME BY THE Time I’ve PROPERLY COLOURED It.” THE JUDGES SENT TO COVENTRY. Tuer is really something more in being “sent to Coventry” than the phrase generally implies, for we have the authority of Curer Justice Jervis and Mr. Justice Corentper for saying that the horrors of Coventry are intolerable by any decent member of any decent society. We cannot wonder that to send a man to Coventry is to “cut” him ; for it is—if we may believe the papers—to cut him off from all the amenities of civilised life, and to doom him to a state of dirt, damp and degradation. We are, however, speaking on the authority of the judges of the land, and we therefore proceed to quote some passages from the charge delivered to the grand jury the other day by Sr T. J. Coteniner at Coventry. After speaking of the offences, his Lordship proceeded to | observe : “ The lodgings appointed for the Jadges, he need scarcely say, ought (and it was not too much to ask) to be w , clean, plain, and comfortable. He was quite sure the Judges would require nothing more ; but was sorry to say that the lodgings which had been prepared for him were quite prejudicial to health to remain in them | to eat, to drink, or to sleep in them. If my of the Grand Jury would take the trouble n to visit the place they would bear him out in these remarks. The High Sheriff would also bear his testimony that for a person to remain there was impossible; it was really erilous to a man’s health to live in such a place. The stench which pervaded the ped-room, the dining-room, and the other rooms of the house, was to such an extent that it was extremely offensive and unwholesome, and the Chief Justice (who was in a very delicate state), as well as himself, were obliged to sleep with their windows | | open. He did not think it right to sleep in the town another night, aod should | | therefore go to Warwick.” _ We strongly sympathise with the excellent and learned judges, who im consequence of the di ting stench at their lodgings, were the innocent cause of justice being brought into very bad odour. We cannot understand precisely from the words of the charge whether the pak os were wadhed or ships were obliged to sleep with the window open, we may pre- in the same sleeping apartment, but as both their | sume that they were condemned to a “Double Bedded Room,” which, | though an excellent subject for a “screaming farce,” is hardly a fit scene for the introduction of two of the most elevated of judicial cha- racters. Neither of their Lordships is stupidly fastidious, but are both of them men of strong sense, and if they enjoy a strong sense of smell, there is no reason why that sense should be outraged by a beuquet of mille odeurs form aad cesspools from the compound extract of drains | If such was the atmosphere of the Judges’ bed-room, we may be sure that the furniture was not portionlee! choice ; though if cleanliness could have been secured, their Lordships would probably have been indifferent as to whether the Lif de Justice provided for their repose was a tent, a turn-up, a half-tester, or a scissors. At all events it is |“ Away with Melancholy.” A SONG. Wuew lovely woman, prone to folly, ' Fat ther c'en Hopeeweis oie bekray What charm can soothe her melancholy ? What art can turn gray hairs away ? , The only art gray hairs to cover, ‘To hide their tint from ev'ry eye, © To win fresh from her lover, And make him offer—is to dye. INVASION OF HAMPSTEAD HEATH. |. Wertixe under the signature of “One of the ro * correspondent of the Zimes informs us || | “Por the sixth time the Lord of the Manor i] of Hasmpetend haa Parliament oalter his father's will, to eoable him over place | a power which his withheld frowe ize.” | I! | ‘The perseverance with which the individual alluded to returns, year after year, to the charge with his little bill, is worthy of an old English bill-eman. But as the bill is not brandished in the face of the foe, but in that of the people and is merely an instrument for cntting up and | enclosing Hampstead Heath, we trust, for the | good of the London public, that the said bill | ishonoured., j.will be once more di Bright Thoughts on War. FortiricaTion is vexation, Invasion is as ; While deckers three do puzzle me, Shell Practice drives me mad. quite clear that the Bed of judicial dignity is not always a bed of roses, and indeed poor Jervis, C.J. seems to have been provided with some- | thing worse even than the bed of the Thames, for, we find from the | following extract that he literally slept in a cesspool : “Carey Jostice Jenvis sat in the Second Court, at St. Mary's Hall, and before proceeding to business made some remarks on the Judges’ lodgings, even more strongly | eondemnatory than those made by Mr. Justice Co.eriper. A document being handed to his Lordship in which it was alleged there had been some alteration of a figure, he said he could not perceive it; and took oceasion to add, he was sorry to say | he had been lying in a cesspool all night; a place only fit for pigs, or people who ha been brought ap in Coventry.” There have been judges in former times, and indeed there are a few still on the Bench, who could luxuriate im their pipe, and, vulgarly speaking, enjoy “a drain,” but we doubt if there is, or ever was, a wearer of the judicial ermine, who could appreciate such a pipe—pro- bably in connection with the cesspool—and such a drain as Cuire¥ Justice Jervis was brought into contact with at Coventry. PROPOSED NEW CREST FOR SIR C. NAPIER. O RUS(S), quawpo Te Asptcram ? Notice ro Quir to Mr, Coantes Kean at THE Princess’s.—

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“Wor was THAT WuistLED? Vy THE NIGHTENGALS TO BE SURF. COME ALONG 0’ ME YOU'LL HEAR ’EM A GOOD DEAL BETTER.” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. I¥y rou’Lu THE LAW OF COMPENSATION. Everrsopy allows that some s pomgenpation ” is due to Ma. Sronor, the newly appointed and dis-appointed Colo nial Judge, who, after having sent in bis testimonials, including the report of an election committee, imputing to be ct. Shataatiaae ce metate im which he imse under ths notice of the Colonial Office. di fons Jado to Victomsa. Bribery must of a kept fer os from I A. must © awa the judicial beneh, but the ly why, with the of the alleged very the oni. pengar bo tok the n to be comper for two or throdipenent New Version or aw Orn Sayrxc.—There is but one | Step from the Sublime Porte to Old Nicnoxas, GREAT NEWS FOR MR. PUNCH’S “LITTLE | FRIENDS.” | “Tue United Association of Schoolmasters of Great Britain ” (says | the Morning Chronicle) is about to open a permanent exhibition in| on, containing specimens of educational books, maps, diagrams &c. Mr. Punch, whose inti uaintance with everybody and | everything around him is only equalled by his willingness to impart his | knowledge to the public, hastens to offer the earliest information as to the nature of this exhibition, and the character of the curiosities it will contain. In it, he confidently affirms, will be found the rod which was wielded by Diowysivs after he bad resigned the sceptre of Sore and to this classical instrument will be appended one of the advertisements in which same worthy announced to his young frieads (in the purest Greek) that the vacation was about to terminate. | , scholars, and those, in This case objects will command the attention of all profound icular, who have devoted themselves to the | study of Greek roots will be pleased to have both roots and branches | at once presented to their view. | schoolmaster taught the first young idea how to shoot. | as specimens of sound phi The next case will contain the bow and arrows with which the first | On the bow is inscribed this motto from Homace, “ Non semper arcum tendit Apowtw,” from which we may infer that the first schoolmaster occasionally gave | the first young idea a half-holiday, In a third case will be found Neno’s copy-book, with copies in the handwriting of Seneca. From the text-hand copies we extract “Zrror non est culpa,” and from the | round-hand, “ Prave intercommunicationés corrumpunt bonos mores,” | hy and elegant Latinity. Side by side with these samples of imperial penmanship will be seen an imposition assigned to the “little son” of Contonayvs and Vincrsador playing truant. The young scapegrace ha@:to write out a thousand times the | words: “I had rather see the swords and hear the drum than look upon my schoolmaster.” There is some reason for thinking that this relic was | once in the possession of S#aKSrzane. Another conspicuous object will | be the Mummy of an i lmaster, who was embalmed in the | memory of his affectionate pupils. In the same sarcophagus with this | highly dried were found the mummy of a cat of nine tails, and a number of pap These last, when deciphered, proved to be | the holiday letters pupils, who, if we may credit their own asser- tions, were so at school that they quite dreaded the approach | of the vacation. hen Mr. Perricnew unrolled the schoolmaster, | he was rewarded by the discovery of the original “ Rule of Thumb,” | which was placed at the ends of the fingers of the mammy’s right hand. This vy. relic, however, will not be exhibited, as it quite supersedes the keys to Watkinename and Bowwycastie, and ' lunatics ourselves, if we mi is what schoolboys commonly term “a fudge.” It is therefore reserved for the private use of the United Association of School- masters. “An eminent draughtsman has promised to contribute drawings, ground r. and elevations of the Aides Valpian ; and another artist will furnish similar sketches of the dulce domum ;” and a = of the grounds surrounding that delightful mansion. he schoolmaster, who has been abroad so long, has sent maps of the countries through which he has passed, with specimens of the ial productions of many lands. But Mr. Punch has not space to mention ali the marvellous curiosities which this exhibition will contain. He will conclude, therefore, by saying that Mn. Payrye Cox.ier has contributed the satchel with which “ whining school- boy ” (mentioned by the melancholy Jacgues) “ crept so unwillingly to P ” The still contains some crumbs of un uestionable antiquity, which Mr. Punch who has tasted them, unhesitatingly pronounces to be the remains of a baked plum pudding. NOT SO MAD AS HE SEEMS. Tae other day a Junatic ran up into a pulpit at Frome to demand from the parson an ex ion of his sermon. We do not understand the precise ground upon which a verdict of lunacy has been returned in this case, for we cannot think that the fact of need a of a sermon is in itself a of insanity. We have been ‘ t be pronounced insane for having been puzzled by a discourse from the pulpit. Perhaps, however, the alleged lunacy consisted in the absurd expectation of being able to get the parson to explain himself. We admit the extreme impropriety of the act of the individual who chose such an unfitting time and place | for the explanation he sought; but to pronounce bim mad because he | was puzzled about the meaning of a sermon is a measure so harsh that | that eccentric society the Alleged Lunatics’ Friends to | look into the case as speedily as possible. An Extreme Case. "Tis said, in langnage terse and neat, Extremes will very often meet ; ance, then, at no distant season, E’en NicHoLas may come to reason. Removed to Moscow.—Nicnoxas, it is said, takes up his quarters at Moscow, as being safer by signifying by his from St. Petersburg, that “rubbish is of to be shot there.”

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25 power 160 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. ; “The followin s cold-blooded inault to our beloved Eesperor ” | will seareety be ed. We stake our honesty, however, | Li GAZETTE DE ST. PETERSBOURG.” upon the trnth of it. In one of the lowest parts of Loodon, | a copy of the above | @ large Bear, bruf y ripped open, and over it is written, cious journal, and| Stavearexen.’ The dllasion in this is but too evident es R few curious | but we tell the Cabinet of St. Ling that the aaimus extracts from it:— | of it is as comtemptible as the sageasm is Weak.” _ mea “Our perfidious| .. Wig ail The average height of your French soldier is four feet gnomics aye slrcady | three. ‘The average height of your English soldier is he Manieh denon wat cousiderably under that.” their ways: knowing : well enough thai; “ We perceive that a rast for 600,000 puncheons of they must soon be| Rum has just been ew wo with the spo Govern- at a dreadful loss for| ment. This is to su navy. Now, how low tallow, the principal | must be the courage, how weak must be the faith of your the barbarians draw | port it!” from our enlightened ¢ resorted to the miser-| any time, This was proyed at Austerlitz, and ingamerable able expedient a » be places, during the late war. Now it is an established lighting their ee truth that the Vrench soldier is better than three English cipal thoroughfares | soldiers under any eirenmstanees. History has put this ¥ with Gas! his is | latter fact beyond the smallest possible doubt, much less ' a 1a ir — actually the case, and | goutradiction. Consequently, if a Russian can lick three if ‘ H Lig: .- may witnessed | Frenchmen, and a Frenchman is better than three English- any night in the best | men, it stands to reason that one Russian is more than a , . streets of London or! match for nine Engiishmen. However our first victory will Paris. Not satisfied with this short-sighted evasion, however, many of their shops | soon establish this point.” and houses, a, are — wit 4 same weak su —— oat — > — a we are credibly informed, instead of lighting himself to bed as formerly, with a| ,, , , , - . tallow candle, has 2 melancholy gas-pipe fitted up on the staircase, which, by|, “The English and French ladies are so terribly dis- leaving the door of his bed-room open, enables him to undress and to get into bed. | tressed for a proper supply of bear’s grease, that they are Now, when we take into consideration the serious difference there is in price | #tually obliged to use lard for their hair; and when they between tallow and gas, and when we know what a sickly, unsatisfactory light the | Caunot afford that, they are too glad to avail themselves of latter gives, compated to the brilliance of the former, it will not be considered the assistance of a little butter. To economise nn Se presumptuous, we hope, to surmise, that before many weeks are over, both London latter article, some of the proudest ladies both in kngland and Paris will be compelled—to avoid the inereased expense—to remain in and France, are eating at the present moment for their darkness altogether,” breakfasts and teas nothing but dry bread, “So straitened is the English Government for the neces- “The English troops are fed upon dead lambs, and the English horses upon | sary means of transit for its army, that it is compelled bad musty hay. ‘These are the poor creatures our brave soldiers are to fight!) to solicit permission of M. Louis Naproreow for part of Against such despicable foes, victory is no longer doubtfal, but reduced to a matter | its cavalry to go through France. English pride is lowered of positive certainty |” to that humiliation ! ” t THE BALTIC AND THE EUXINE, SUSPENDED CIVIL ANIMATION. ue A CONTRAST AND & CAUTION. TuERe is much sense in LorD Patmenston’s suggestion in reference i Am.—“ Charlie is my Darling.” to the Property Disposal Bill :— a Crane sails so daring, so daring, so daring— “Tt would be an intelligible course to enact that nuns should be deemed—as he ¢ Care sails so daring—the gallant old Narizx! believed was the case in some Roman Catholic eountries—to be civilly dead, aud Dunpas lies never caring, never caring, never caring ; therefore incapable of transferring property to any one after taking vows. } Duwpas lies never caring, at Beicos all the year. But as nuns do sometimes, there is reason to suppose, “ fret at their Oh I wish that in the Black Sea, the Black Sea, the Black Sea, convent’s narrow walls,” it would be necessary to make some provision I wish that in the Black Sea we’d a CHARLIE 10 command; for the restoration of civil rights and powers to the nun in the event of Then the fleet we 'd not so slack see, so slack see, so slack see, her coming to life again. The Habeas Corpus would afford the means Nor have to haul ’em.o’er the coals, for not having coals on hand. | 9f extricating her body from its living tomb—if her voice could only be f heard from within it. Her property might then be restored to her, as Still, Cuapuip, don’t be rash, man; be rash, man; be rash, man ; | it is in_ the case of other persons whose incapability of managing their My Cuantre, don’t be rash man, but cool as you are brave ; | own affairs is but temporary. Aud Dunpas, do try a dash, man ; a dash, mai; a dash, man ; And take a leaf from Cuan.ie’s book, upon the Euxine wave! r eae [SS The Moral Mr. G. H. Moore. Ultimatissississisissimum of Nicholas. | Mr. Moore, in his attack on ill-used Mr. Stoyor, complained that [Received by Telegragh.} the Government had clothed corruption “in ermine.” Should the a a > 2 . ‘ ».: member for Mayo ever be exalted to authority, he might decorate him- Tur Exrenon or Russta has communicated with Berlin, offering | ccf with the fur of the old Irish wolf-dog: for never did Irish hound to evacuate the Principalities, if the Sultan will eat pork chops in|; : : : : : as publie with the Greek Patriarch, and afterwards, in undeniable black- | ag leat gue Irish howl than did Mx. Moone against the injured strap, drink the health of the God of Russia. } THE PRICE OF IRISH MEMBERS. A Modern Bidder. Mr. Drummonp dee'ared that the price of Irish Members had been| Tere is a “calculating boy” in the Hull Packet Office of whose proved to be according to the seale of the income-tax: namely, 7d. in | Surprising talent some estimation may be formed from thé following the pound. Surely, even this would be a very dear price ; unless with paragraph :— i at | Irish Members, as with certain other anigpls at market, it was agreed) « ¢,rrux Revonws ron Weex Eworxo Arart 6.~Henex M‘Gexcor, from Hamburg, Lee ‘ | to sink the offal. 10 Horses; Swanland, from Rotterdam, 11 calves. Total, 10 horses and 11 calves.” a | = a E have lately received | called St. Giles’s, be seen exposed, at a hairdresser’s, | wonderfully vera- im large characters, ‘Awnotuzn Five Russigw Bean | ~ supply of whieh| English sailor, when he requires so much Kum to sup- oomnias, they have-' * The Russian soldier can thrash three French soldiers at

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 161 A PRUSSIAN COURT CIRCULAR. THE DREAM OF THE “RUSSIAN GENTLEMAN.” HE eves fey from the Prussian Court Circular | have been sent to us (we do| Qm the Unfinished Drama of that Name.) not mind acknowledging the | Scenz.—S¢. Petersburg. 4 Room in the Palace. The fact) by the valet of the Kine Eurpunon cp Russa soles or Prussia. This will ac-| , . count at once for their authen-| . Zmp. A desperate game is that I’ve now to play ; ticity, to say nothing of the | Austria looks adverse, and I dare not count nature of the document itself, |On “ Monstzur Cricquort,” * brother to my wife, that carries within it the most | Because, though I could turn him round my thumb, convineing evidence of the | Untuward subjects hath the muzzy king. truth I do remember, when I was in England, j “The King began dresing|{¥ Ast Lenard a dreaben krare | by first patting on his stock- Cry Nick or Nothing! so play L, to be | | | ings, a= a ~?— 7 i= Or nothing or the Nick of all this world. Of s0cks, en Be pe If ever, now should I be wide awake, them off again, and seemed | (Sinks upon an ottomen. undecided which he should + ae pat on. He remained in thet | How strange that I feel thus inclined to drowse ! state for a quarter of an hour | [Nods. Music descriptive of supernatural agency in- when he sent in the greatest terrupted by stertorous breathing. An APPaRtTion hurry for his pedicure. In| in the habit of St. Nicnowas rises. the meantime, his Majesty} App. My son! my son! my son! dressed, and when the pedi-| Emp. (raising his head in a state of somnambulism). Thrice | cure arrived, he said he did _holy Sire ! not want him. | Do I inaeed behold thee? Sure, at least, “ At nine o’clock the King | Now I’m awake, and this can be no dream! rang for his shaving-water, B App. ne 8, I - thy — to explore and when I took it to him he was very angry that I had not brought him his Frankly sod trely Se et chocolate, which was no sooner ready than he said he should prefer a cup of tea. | Ur mere ambition’s lust, hath egged thee a “The King, when dressed, was pleased to intimate his intention that he was/|To take up arms against the Ottomite ? going to sneeze, but suddenly changing his mind, he coughed instead. Emp. Already thrice those holy chaps have yawned “The King, before going into the garden, stood contemplating two hats, which As now, and three times hat h that canonised tongue, were hung up in the palace hall. One hat was while, the other black. He first As with a solemn serpent’s breath, intoned put on one, and then the other. This he repeated at least a hundred times, when, hat summons in mine ear. Yet once again quite uncertain which one he should put on, his Majesty went out at last without | Hear me, great saint, protest that to this war any hat at all. | | am incensed by holy fire alone. P ' ; ' : App. \n faith and truth ? _ “Tn the afternoon, his Majesty complained of a slight touch of the gout in the | os ' In truth by faith sustained. right foot. His attendants, schooled by long patience and experience into the | App. As thou dost hope for mercy ? instability of all royal wishes and feelings, sent for a quantity of ice; nor were . they much out in their calculations, for in Jess than ten —, ru His Majesty was attacked with a violent pain in the head, and if the delay of a in Yea: uvon the life second had taken place in applying the ice to his temples, his Majesty might! and lia of my soul. But, mighty Saint, -” probably have changed his mind, and have been seriously laid up with an attack of |"Thou needest not adjure me by such gross smal] pox. ' And common oaths. Suffice it if I pledge “After dinner, the King ordered his carriage round with the intention of | The truth of my profession with a pawn repairing to the Royal Chapel. His coachman, however, drove him to the Opera | W hich I more prize, almost, nay, pardon me, House. His Majesty seemed much pleased at the sagacity of the man having so | Than that eternal jewel thou didst name : accurately antici his wishes. My word of honour as a gentleman # ; : “ A Cabinet Council had been ordered at two o'clock, in order to revise the| App. Thine honour thou dost pledge that the world’s eternally-promised Constitution, which every right-minded Prussian has long since | —.... a9 abandoned all hope of ever seeing. The Miisters, when they assembled, surprised ftemnes Be Visteon, bet, Ron bat destroyed ! His Majesty in the garden playing at skittles —— — in o> His | ng g - — Ay, mine honour Majesty is fond of spending the greater part of his business hours. It was poo)” P -F. a a eer ages . right as the golden glory round thy brow. — to see pad weeny far from being surprised, pull off their coats, and - App. Thou say’st thine honour as a gentleman? — ——s ~s —— : , é‘ | Emp. Nay now, sweet Saint, thou dost my patience “The King, feeling unwell in the evening, sent round to the chemist’s for ‘his tax. asual physic.” The servant returned with a large box, which, upon being opened, | Confound me if I lie! In Heaven’s name, turned out to be a case of champagne. His Majesty took a couple of doses, | Against the Turk I’ve drawn the sword, by Heaven! and felt considerably better. | App. Ho ho! well sworn. Now am | satisfied, “The King, before retiring to.rest, wrote autograph letters to the Queen oF : | Horns protrude from his forehead, Encianp and the Emperor or THe Frencn, assuring them of his steadfast So swear the lips when I the heart Inspire . (standhafte) sympathy and cordial co-operation. This augurs favourably for Russia, | _ [lis robe, slitting be nd, discovers a tasl. and, in fact, the troops were ordered the next morning to hold themselves in | Then forward in thy Pie. enterprise ! readiness to march at a moment’s notice towards the Austrian frontier.” | , , His staff assumes the form of « trident. | And in my blessing prosper. Take it thus— = aoe eS | The Western Powers may Nicuotas subdue ! | In all thy counsels, stratagems, and schemes, Even so. Emp. App. Upon thy soul’s life ? 3) Manchester Mythology. | I ever at thy elbow will attend. We have just seen a pretty little picture, printed at Manchester, of Mrverva | Meanwhile, farewell, my namesake and my son ! Springing from Jupirer’s head. It is most charmingly done, only the Goddess | [Fireworks ; amid which “ Saint” Nicnowas descends, of Wisdom is not armed cap-a-pie. On the contrary, she is attired in the costame | The Emvenon, uttering a loud shrick, falls senaelena, of & Quakeress, and the only weapon she carries is a cotton umbrella, the handle Courtiers, Guards, Officers, &c., rush in tumul- of which is fashioned into a likeness of Brient. The other hand 1s holding a tuously, and the Sceny closes. prospectus of the Peace Society. The effect altogether is very peculiar. * A sobriquet with which Nicwotas honours his brother-in-law. Starke or Seamen.—There is one description of strike in which we hope our; Two Turnes raguer Dirricuit to we Done at once. —To cultivate a Moustache, and a taste for Vermicelli Soup. sailors will never engage—that of their colours. VOL, XXVI.

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a erg: nes ee ry i Lig STN = meee owe tee oe = ap mone gee oe mage PUNCH, OR Pn, es _— A BRIGHT IDBPA. TORTURE OF A NUN, (Irom the “ Catholic Champion,’”’) We blush to reeord another of the hideous outrages perpetrated upon Catholics by the furious bigots of the Law-made Chureh of England. Unable to trust ourselves with the indignation exeited by the revolting detail, we will confine ourselves strictly to facts, leaving comment to the faithful. A deputation from the committee appointed by the tyrant. majority of the House of Commons, went, on ‘Tuesday afternoon last, to the newly established convent of Our Lady of Self-Complacency, at Bays- water, and proceeded to exercise their function of Visitors. Every cunning and artful device had been adopted in order to disarm| suspicion, and of the three commissioners, two were benevolently looking elderly gentlemen, fathers of female families, and the third was a young and well-born M.P., the owner of large estates, probably stolen by his ancestors from the Catholics of other days. The better to meeal their views, the deputation behaved with the most hypocritical affectation of courtesy, sending up their cards to the Lady Superior, from whom they had previously obtained an appointment, and begging that if the hour were at all inconvenient, she would name another. But the holy and venerable Lady knew too well the malignant nature of those with whom she had to do, to afford them a handle foraceusing Catholics of resisting the Legislature, and they were at once admitted. We might dwell upon the atrocious wiles by which it was sought to | disguise infernal persecution. We could tell how politely the bigots | behaved, how they affected to do their work with the utmost delicacy, ind how evidently they had determined that neither word nor gesture should eseape them that could be construed into insult or unkindness. The sickening shallowness of the artifice could deceive no true child of Rome. But it is to the abominable cruelty practised in one particular instauce that we would advert as calmly—calmly, ye Easood Saints as we may The persecutors, after a brief visit, were about to retire, really baffled, but pretending to be all smiles and courtesy, when a young and beautiful Catholic lady, Mtss Ancetica Danvers (aged sixteen), and who is shortly about to devote herself and her fortune to the convent, happened to enter the room, and, almost before she was aware of it found herself im the centre of the group. The tactics of the Inquisitors instantly changed. They evidently beheld a victim, nor had her sweet and cheerful smile, her fresh young loveliness, nor her musical voice, power to deter them from their course. The venerable Superior left the room to attend to those duties of hospitality which we are enjoined to practise, even towards our enemies, and as the door closed, that young and helpless creature was subjected to Protestant barbarity. We dare hardly write the rest, but O! gentle 8. Hooxey, and O! kindly 8S. WaLkKEr, give us strength. I'he poor girl was led to one of the massy chairs, in which, with : that might have disarmed a fiend, she took her seat, and she wa instantly asked by one of the elder Inguisitors whether she did not think it delightful weather. To. this insidious question, framed to ’ L THB LONDON CHARIVARI. extort an answer that might be construed into a desire to get out of the convent into the open air, Miss Dawvers replied, with the sim- plicity characteristic of our faith, that itwasrather warm. The ydinger Inquisitor was then | to assail her, and he proposed a series of | | | interrogatories, apparently founded on the topics of the day, but really | designed to entrap her. asking her what she simple girl saw the At length, when he proceeded to the length of ight of the Opera.of I Vestale, even the nm, aud the futunme:Mum hesitated to speak decidedly of the Ves but said that geed’worksshould be held in honour though they might not be underseaod. Angelie answer! But it could not melt these savages The Rack was shown her. The young saint regarded it with a smile, and said that a sister of hers had gummed: the together, and that she had only painted and. varnisheddt; and she toek out some of the visitiwg cards in order the-better tevshow her work, Unsoftened by the innocent cheerfulness of the poor child; the younger Inquisitor took up a. piece of thin. cord which was-lying on the table and, tying its ends; put it over-his two hands. She understood the signal, and with a slight flushof modesty, beld out her own white hands for the torture. He twisted andinvolved the cord with fiendish ingenuity, and then transterred it, with a cruel smile, to her outstretehed hands, muttering some ferocious jest about cat’s cradles. Yet, long as the process lasted, for he- took a strange pleasure in protracting it, and alternately taking away the cord fram her and putting it on again, he could not destroy that smile-—nay, more than once her langhter showed how a Catholic can defy Protestant malice. Lastly, the poor girl was subjeeted:to the Question Extraordinary. The younger Inquisitor, who, despite-his fierce nature, seemed strangely fascinated by his unoffending vietam-—such. is the power of true virtue— drew near to her, and in a low, intense whisper asked her whether her affections were engaged. Miss Danvers replied in the negative, but hearing the footsteps of the Lady Superior, and wishing, even amid her own sufferings, to spare the feelings of that venerable person, added, in a low voice, “ Here’s. Mother,” appending a simple exhortation which from those pure lips ought to have had weight, even with the hardened doers of wrong, She merely said, “Do right, do.” He seemed touched, and was thoughtful during the brief remainder of their visit, which was ended with all the hypocritical courtesy with which ib began. Brave girl! ‘True martyr! Noble soul! Thus to have suffered is better than—— Since the above was written we have received afflicting tidings. It appears that the last words of Miss Danvers to the young M.P. were misinterpreted by him— that he did write, and that she answered him. The result was that she left the convent, and they were married yester- day. 8. miscreants ! ANOTHER SMALL ITEM IN THE BILL AGAINST RUSSIA, Nicholas Romanoff, Esq. To John Bult, Dr. 4 Apr. 11. Very: fine Retorm Bill, (best manufacture, with great variety of clauses, warranted to.cure all defects in the representation, to.give new mem- bers where wanted, and take away old ones where not wanted, to reward industry, and to recognise education by giving each the franchise, to secure the expression of the feelings of. mino- rities, to separate the polling-elerk from the tax-gatherer, to extend the mght of voting. to about a million of deservimg candidates, and generally to rectify the Constitution); such act being utterly destroyed this night by your outrage ° ° . . . . . - 1,000,000 £2,000,000 With J. BulPs Compliments. A Bit of our Mind. Tere seems a little difference of opinion as to the fitness of ApMTRAL Dunpas for the command te which he has been recently appointed. Some of our contemporaries appear to think, that for a man on active service he has been acting somewhat passively. Others again are quite the other way of thinking, and congratulate the Government upon having made a happy choice. i from offering an opinion in the matter: though were we asked to do so, we think we should scarcely be accused of anything worse than Cockneyism, if we ventured our belief, that although possibly for the Black Sea Apmrnat Dwnpas may have been a happy choice, yet for the Baltic we certainly have hit upon aN apfp)ier. Hookxey, 8S. WaLk@r, another vietory to these Protestant | 1354. March To Bill delivered per Messrs. Naprer and Duxpas £1,000,000 For ourselves we would willingly abstain |

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oa - Be. Bd. ee + And unto this House I stated | Now, the sum which ten! Ssailtcon— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. GLADSTONE The folle wing is an English translatli 3 of the But, be easy, for it ’s plain Jinancial statement made by the CHANCELLOR secure no real gain, or THE Excnequer the night before the Simmer these items, at a glance, holidays, and of the debate that followed, Trove’ bat payments in advance. and it is believed that a feat like that of So we Iltake Three Millions, clear, explaining a discussion which so painfudy ‘Xs our’ Barplus for last Year. G Various eiios (derisively), That -will get Bir.’ . That’s too bad, ; us very small tick In the Danube and the Baltic. Wr, Gladstone. For the presesit, @en’t be bewildered the House of Commons was never before attempted, Mr. Gladstone. Six, wpon the Sixthof March, I stepped forward, prim and starch, troubled, Siee the income taxis W hat it was I estimated 1. Disraeli, Tres Me. Buvt would havedn iaanil That day month. Mr. Disraéli, Toanterstand ; And if memory serves menight— - ‘Rather more, Sir, ‘than Vr. Gladstone. \nterraption *s"impélite ; Talon to Bape ns | uch aceourse ts Satanic MADE EASY. Mr. Blewmmeli (perversely). That was'e loss, Spite of your Tractarian gloss. Mr Thomas Baring. 1’va afraid 3 sorrower, LABSrON sg, you habitual borrower. borrowed once. must pay it back. [ own Sinee T ve Mr. Laing. 1 should a ° dontbbed . Sir, Witloughiy. 80 should |. Bat say, e9y @eford Wr. Gladitom. . No, should you re-a-! our reproof. mmst ent'severery. peepty’so each — 7c = EN | Phat wry statement ’s ret ive. And I’m n6t melined to mention | Whatmay "be my next intention. ive Millions. Tn due time you’!] have-your turn, Bus : you'd eansed a panin’? | Mr, Disraeli, Vainty with your spec: ’ For'the present, list antideam. | ii wh . oH Suppose Mr. Disrceli (aside). (Gamma s not quite | Bother the Stilton.) ° shorter’s) Really come—qewknow Just two millions entl'three q@aaArters, But the eash whiehélid comesin Gave us an excess@f tin, In a fashion imugpt, Being (Mr. Dismam.i smiles)—yes, I see you That I’m noteurprised the nation laugh— is deceived by sueh quotation. Mr. Disraeli. If | were-e valgar talker, Mr. Disraeli, Showing, theréfore, ‘that you should here’refer:to Wasumn. Wr. Gladstone (waruiy). tenil besities, ‘Bir, Just three millionseand a half. blundered In your thousands, by eight¢undred. as a rule, Mr. Gladstone, Something under. That "Tis a doctrine of my school, may be, That a man’s an ass who anchors Faith in balances at bankers’. If his purse is sure-to fill, But no blame belongs to me. For the taxes I expected Could not be so soon collected, And I did not quite foresee There ’d be such a rush for tea. Let him hoard or spend CROWNED HEADS IN NIGHTCAPS. HE Emprxosn or Rvussta— according to a very minute narrative of the 7imes Corre- spondent—has had a dream that has mightily comforted him. We are not—after all all alike in our sleep. When the crowned head draws on its nighteap; the head, even in its profoundest slumbers, does not wholly forget its anointed top. Even in the cloud-land of dreams, monarchy keeps its state ! Sleep, the great jeveller, docs not make the Czar lie pros- trate, that, even for a second or so, he may take the knont in leu of the serf. No royal dreams are still royally guarded; and the nighteap of the Emperor doth still hedge about a right royal skull. This is the creed of courtiers: the religion of the back stairs; although the profane vulgar may avow themselves irreverent unbelievers. be this as it may, Nicronas has had a dream; which dream, with his | constitutional condescension, be has narrated to his chesen of the Court of St. Petersburg. It seems that Sr. Nicuoxas appeared to | the Czar, and—in his waggish way—quizzed the Emperor on his | affected devotion to the war. It-was all a sham and a flam, cried the | Saint ; whereupon the Emperor swore it was all a trath—trathful as | his own sword. Again the Saint appeared, again doubted, and was again emphatically rebuked by Heaven’s warrior in jack-boots. A third time the Seimt presented himself; a third time declared himself dubious, when Nicwoxas reiterated his intentions of sincerity “on To a trifle more*than two. But the Banksaecounts are kept Just suppose, Bir, justi Ate Tike those. Virst, if that*sesatisfaction, Mr. Gladstone. Vas (the womader sum the | Your five millious, and the fraction, Dir, Glatlttone. T've no doubt vainly. Vanity ’s your foible,:plamly. All my measures (you may think ’em What you like) increase our Incom Stoeks have only tumbled down To eighty-eight and half-a-crown. Trade ‘sadvanemg—or (1 'm guarded In my words) is not retarded, _ Aan tee DablictGeedls—give it | ‘Meone—is- right as any trivet. Ur Disraeli, Trivei, yes, and ble: souls, One you "Il see across the coals. Ur. Gladstone, Nothing, Sir, shall | rue, | While unto ourselves we ’re true at will. Mr. Cardwell, \f we’ve nothing | Tothélieve I’m satieied. it’s true— And this House is not averse learn, Lo replenish J omnwy’s purse, Perhaps the House may now adjour the word of a gentleman.” The Saint could no longer oppose such an expression of holy zeal so sanctilied, but cried—“ Go on, my Son ; go on, my Nicnoras! Proceed and conquer!” ‘Therefore, NicuoLas is determined to storm Constantinople, and bow-string the Sultan on the word of a gentleman ! This dream—we learn from private but most anthentic sources—has set nearly all the other crowned heads in a ferment, and royal brains | have wobbled with visions. The Kise or Guevew has had Ais dream A few nights since he dreamt that the ereseent moon of Turkey was turned into a green cheese and that he was eating it. A very terrible dream has disturbed the slumbers of the Kina or Napres. He dreamt that he was terned into a hage lucifer match and that one of his political prisoners rubbing him against the bars of a dungeon caused him to ignite, leaving behind him a shocking smell of sulphur. The Kixe or Prussia dreamt that he was turned into a gallantee- showman’s magic lantern; aud that nothing came out of lim but shams and shadows. The poor Porr dreamt that he had become a bomb-shell, fired into the Eternal City for the punishment of his flock. Feeling himwelf about to burst, he awoke supplicating the saints to “save the picces.” | The Emrenor or Austria dreamt that he was turned into a sword, and that presenting himself to Nicuoias of Russia, Nicuonas grasped | the handle ; when, immediately the blade melted away in blood-drops. About to go to press, we have received the following account from our own C spondent at St. Petersburg of the last dream of the Czar a dream onl¥ known to himself and our informant, who writes as fo! lows :-— St. Petersburz, April 1. His Majesty has dreamt a dream. He thought that Death, the skeleton, appeared to him with a boot- jack inbis beny hand; and grimming a horrid grin, said—‘ May it please your Majesty—just for the peace and contentment of the world # large—be good enough to take off your beots.’ ” ooo Wanted a Solution. Given : the will of Perex tux Gaxat ; to find the way to Constan- tinople, and the other places named for conquest in it

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164 PUNCH, OR ‘ Wily, Path ine «ase tee yp, tiple Le. lhe Uy} Usegitl ——} “ THE LONDON CHARIVARI. NOTHING LIKE KNOWING THE COUNTRY. Huntsman (to Officer going Abroad), “ Pieasz BE 80 Goon, Sir, AS GIVE MY RESPECTs TO Master Harry.” Officer. “On! pot my Braoruer is rv THe West Inpres, anp I am GorneG TO THE East.” Huntsman, “Mayvuar you’Lt Meet at TCover Sime at tue same, Six!” WAR TAXATION MADE VERY EASY. Tne faet mentioned in the subjoined paragraph is peculiarly consoling in reference to Ways and Means for War :— “ It is believed that the amount of duties received by the Customs of the United Kiegdom up to last Saturday evening on tea, since the new duty came into operation on Thursday morning, will be litile short of half a million sterling.’ In order to meet war expenditure it has been all along anticipated that it will be necessary to retrace our late commercial policy by again raising the duties on articles of consumption that have been reduced. Really this unpleasant necessity appears, from the above statement, to have been too readily taken for granted, and on the contrary, there is ground to hope that. finances for fighting will be most easily provided by the much more agreeable operation of diminishing the taxes on commodities to a very low figure. From a liberal reduction of the duty on French wines, for instance, might actually be derived consi- derable resources for maintaining hostilities with Russia, in addition to the advantage of strengthenmg our connection with France. VIPER MITCHEL. Mitcnet—who, let us hope, carried away in his bosom the last rotten potato from Ireland—Mutcuet has been yelling for an invasion of Canada by Russia. Will Mircnec himself enlist? He ought: for he is just the creature to carry food to a bear. Murcuet yells to his countrymen : “ That the suecess of England in the present war will tend to rivet still more firmly the chains upon Ireland, and that every Irishman whe enlists in the British Army takes side with the foes of his country, and aids ia ber en.lavement.’ We hope Mitcwet will continue to write thus. His ink-bottle can do no harm to Ireland. The patriot blight has, we hope, disappeared from Ireland for ever: the very potato blossoms must smile in contempt of such slugs. A CRITIC TO LET, Dors Mr. Cartes Kean want a young man with some impulsive- ness and a good flow of ink, to write the criticisms on the productions at the Princess’s Theatre? FHecause, if so, he might hear of such a young person at Belfast. The excited party who does enthusiasm for the Beast Evening Mail says (of some Mr. SULLIVAN, as it happens— but, ble-s you, to a young man who writes like this, it does not matter on what peg he hangs his inspiration): “Tlis conceptions of character are accurate, and his developments true to nsture, which is the highest state of perfection to which imitative art can rise. Above all, he has seul, and it is that which surprises, enraptures, and transports his audience, so that the one feeling of enthusiastic admiration actuates them, and the theatre reverberates with thunders of applause.” Such a writer ought not to be lost to the London press. And the reason why we conmend him to Mr. Kegan is this, that we think that gentleman’s literary staff may be short of hands, as the notices of the last Princess’s farce were given at considerable length in two of the daily papers and—curious coincidence—in the same words—which was hardly fair to the editors. Martyrdom of Murder. Last week three wretches were hanged for murder. The execution was made a martyrdom by the priest officiating—“In one moment,” said be to the culprits, ‘‘ you ’Il be in heaven.” Thus heaven is to be gained by bullets; and the certain path to bliss to be marked with innocent blood! And of such teaching is the lesson of the gallows! In the present case the assassins were all but eanonised by the sympathy of the mob. MUSIC FOR THE FLERT. Tue favourite air performed by the band of Apmirat Dvuwpas’s | ship is the old one of “ Peaceful Shumbering on the Ocean.”

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A STRUGGLE BETWEEN DUTY AND INCLINATION. GALLANT LITTLE JOHN TAKING LEAVE OF HIS PET TO SERVE HIS COUNTRY. Aprit 22, 1854 | [Puncu, No. 667.

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A GOOD END; OR, THE REWARD OF THE RIBANDMAN “Mr. Puncu, “ PropaBLy there are not many people who rejoice in an entirely scll-approving conscience. If there areany, your humble servant js un- hap ily by no means one of them. [ endeavour indeed todo as | would ! one by perhaps with some suceess, but in striving to perform what is right and avoid what is w rong in other respects, I know I very often fail shamefully. Few of my misdeeds have hurt anybody but myself. but that self I am afraid they have hurt very much. Had I todsink hemlock presently, I should not be able to do it like Socrates, [ could not lay my head on my pillow composedly with such a nighteap, ‘hought of what I should have to say for myself on waking would trouble me. Even Jouxson owned that his self-consciousness wo' be reflected by a voice in the air which should say, ‘Sam Jonson, are a very wicked fellow!’ 1 wish I were no wiekeder a fellow ‘then! Sam. Jounson. “Well, Mr. Puach, you will say, all this is making you my F — Confessor : I had better choose another, Well Sir; perhaps I had: regular one: such a Father Confessor as eitherof the two priests by virtue of whose shriving the three Ribandmen, who were hanged the other day at Monaghan, were enabled to die appamently not only better than Socrates, but as well as St. Sturnen.. The Northern Whig contains an account of the execution—perhaps I onght rather to say ray Ape Grant, Quux, and Coomuy, the individuals alluded to, for the murder of Ms. Bateson. I subjoin & few passages from the reporter’s statement illustrative of the euthanasiqmof these men :-— “* Yesterday morning, through the courtesy of Mn. Tauri, the Governor, I was permitted to see the three pri In pany with some others, 1 found them walking in one of the yards of the prison, after having, largely pertaken of = excellent breakfast. Quis and Grant were smoking, and the threeappeased. to. be. in the best of spirits. I expressed, as did several of the party with me, my regreatat, seeing them in their unfortunate position; and Quix and Coomay beth replied: inthe, strongest terms, that they were fully prepared tor the fate that awaited them-—that, thanks to the attention which had been paid them by Repeadetindiaamenentl wermready| Sth to meet their Gop. In the course of the conversation whichemsnedCoesme pamtion- larly entered into religious topics, remarking that he never, imthe ae life, felt se happy as he did at that moment, with the contitenee.Defere- timo, wn taken, brief time, meeting bis Saviour. . . . On ourleaying, the unf man sage canal of the party warmly by the hand, aud expressed a hope that when, wa die, we would be as fully prepared for it as they then were.’ “ Unfortunate men ?—unfortunate epithet weighed though at a. penny the line. Happy individuals, fayoured| persons, I should rather say. Hamlet wishes to know who would not destroy himself if he could escape the ills of life by committing suicide. Who would not much more willingly be : words should be better hanged; regarding the subse- juence of hanging with the eyes of Grant and Coomey ? ** Throughout the entire eempersation Grant and Coomey spoke with a spirit =a freejom which was perfectlpraatonishing—looking at their approaching end as merchant might be supposedtte:de on entering on a prosperous enterprise, which onal reap for him rich and glorioms results. Mn. Swawzy, the sub-sheriff,cailed upon them t in the morning g, and on goimg up to them, said he was sorry to see three men in their position. “Sorry!” said oneof them in a tone of surprise, “ Why, itis giad you should be, Sir!” ’ “So I think I should say if I were going to be hange d for murder-| ‘It is glad you should be, Sir—glad that this world is going to be rid} of me: wish me as the Judge did, mercy in the pro It does seem that this was quite what the prisoner meant :— ‘ He then asked them if they had any statement to make to him in relation to the offence for which they were todie? “ No,” said Coompy, ‘ when he was executed!”’ Coomey alluded ; ‘confessed the justice of his sentence : the more analogous to his own, PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARTVART. sphere which the monster has breathed previous! y. not | of deleterious and unsavoury also affirms that it is traverse our Saviour said nothing | architeeture of the House of Commons may be considered to have ne- cessitated this state of things; “A certain thief, however, did say something on the occasion to which style of building would have been appropriate, jaw, afler a desi “ Coomey and his companions preserved their exalted frame of wand | editions of the | even on the scaffold. Quy and Grant were ficst hanged : 167 to make any frail mortal wish his death might be like | Coomey ol his accomplices, and his latter end like theirs? Is not such a scene likely to prove especially edifying to [rish spectators ? The cotton nightcap a crown of martyrdom; the gallows-trap a gate of life! this is indeed hanging Ribandmen to encourage the others Really, Father Confessors should induce penitents to moderate their the transports a little in undergoing capital punishment for murder. Else perhaps, may it not be considered by the mob that the wilful murderer, at least if a Ribandman, is merely a devotee that ‘ wi iIfully seeks his own salvation?’ ‘In one moment you'll be in heaven!’—a dying philanthropistweuld be giad to be sure of that: atimorous hope that ina single moment one may not find one’s self elsewhere, seems as much as camreasonably be entertained, in the highest state of reform. ation, by vo. moribund ordinary person, who, though uo felon, is well ‘ hat hedeserves the appellation of * awa,” THE LUNGS OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS We sometimes: exalt in being finer fellows than our forefathers, because we have; steam-engines and they had none. Certainly, ama raudway, a in a cotton mill, im various other commcnmal and national nis, a steam-cngine is an yr whieh we may well considamanrselyes to enjoy over them, Seme, however, of those machines> affiind us te —— of ang ground for boasting at the pe ee such, namely, as we employ, unsuccers- fu. ¥, bvelineapeeganes wnich — accomplished. perfeetly well wathout. They ensetedi public buildings, so constameted. aa to: ventilate liad no a indeed, oe the ventilawon the edifices Aecording;to of t ang. Ma Mae Somaya House. of Saree ——— apm: Bes by thnee ; two below, air in, aud ong ing it ont But | M Sreommm. that the am is bam pl 7 mposed by this ‘vers ea am ane of witich stands through altambers, “eaters so thn ond the floor, satanated iy, ie ventiionon cam be oer Soe ye ~i |b > ane small! boys when they blew air into ae tae ’ —— smoke by means of” liglited tobacco-pipe and a pair of bellows. The mistake—for to poison instgad-of purifying the parliamentary atmosphere must be a mistake, else were a treason surpassing that of Guy Bawkgs—has consisted in trying to cause the House to do that which the desideratum is to admit of being done by the inmates. It has been attempted to make the House breathe, whereas the endeavour should have .been to render possible the respiration of the Members. The three steamrengines are a sort of lungs; but as this respiratory | apparatus is connected with a sewer, it performs an office opposite to at. of the lungs in. the human, body, which. serve to exhale vitiated air and inhale ure 0 Thus the Howse of Commons may, be re | breathing foul air, and.the Members (no offence as parasitic animals which oceupy its interior, ed as ahuge monster, 2¢ to the [rsh Brigada) and breathe the atmeo- This is. a mixture Not, only that, but Ma. Sroonza by “ whirlwinds and tornados of dust flying through the house in a manner that is most disgraceful.” The to which, however, a totally different The House, to suit and this is the) such amatmosphere, ought to have been. constructed with an entrance case of the two, one would think, that Coomzy might have considered like a huge dragon’s mouth, having, a.row of enormous teeth in either which, we believe, will be found in some of the early ilgrim’s "Progress. That all discussion is not stifled by air calculated to smother anybody ‘In passing from the yard to the pressroom, an incident oecurred, which, though is a wonder to those who ace ignorant of the adaptability of the animal trifiing in itself, tended tashew Quin’s state of mind. Clothed in their dead dress, the, economy. Perhaps, as the wind of heaven ia tempered to the shorn two men passed through the yard, eacyin company with his spiritual adviser, and lamb, so the air of the House of Commons is duleified to honourable during the time they were shaking hands with some officers of the prison, t Ray. Ms. Suita had some distance in-advance of Quix, whem the latter came skipping after him like a schoolgirl, threw his arm round his neck, and drew lum oa) with a lightsome, burried paee fora short distance.’ “Danced him, in short, to the gallows. | approves of that sort of polka! ‘* Ours said, “ Tell cannot now seare us.” (When the |! “ He's doiog the best job thatever was done tor ns.” returm you many thanks, gentlemen. you go? . ‘* Both reverend gentlemen then blessed them.’ “* The Rev. Ma, Sarre. “ B the penitent titief on the C ross. Inene moment | you'll be in heaven. You have eternal happiness within your reach. “T think I need quote no farther. wonder if Da. Cuiuzn sangman pinioned his arms), To the Rev. Gentlemen), ‘ We Will_you not give us your blessing before; believed himself to be Potycagrp. “Ts not this Irish deathbed—as I may venture to cal! i members. between. things natural and moral Rats live and thrive in sewers; can it be said that a House wherein laxaty of party-principle has become general, is appropriately ventilated with air to wuich a sewer is tribu- tary ? The variations of temperature, occasioned by alternating jets of | hot and cold air, also complained. of likewise be considered to represent the climate of England would be well if the opinion of the nation. were represented as accu, rately as its clima' in order, that the House of Commons may be » sisting in a great measure of sulphuretted hy regen. Fnongh to say that Coomey met | Spoower will shine the bri 4 his fate with such enthusiasm that it might have been imagined he) throwing away of d the first syllable of that t—caleulat ated tarnished. It has been. heid that. there is a mysterious relation by Ma. Sroonzr, may perhaps and it te. Ma. Sroowes declares that the sum of £200,000 has been expended upplied with ar—eon- The name of attention. to this a gas, however, whereby as silver, would be very soon for having caliec money after bud gas ; that name, cor death of

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vy ee etch g SP EES —— 1 E eae ld er ee Ld o_o _ charac” ~. a - oem 2S ama ht teat ieee - ti. 1 tn Meme etgn e 168 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL |we can bear with becoming fortitude the | absence of Georce Tue Secoyp, and would suggest to Mr. Wr to that he should duly | affix outside his Great Globe the notice— |“ Statues carefully removed.” Punch thinks he could pont him out a few; but just to | begin with, merely names the statue of a certain duke on the top of a certain column. | All his creditors declare that he “ never | came down yet,” so let us hope the time is come at last. | Should there be a new special office ap- | oe namely, the Keeper of the Statues, | ||Mr. Duncompe has displayed the finest || genius for the post. Give it to him, and in his new admiration for the House of Gcetrn he would doubtless vote a blue satin great coat with gold frogs—(what a King Stork he was for gold frogs !)—to GeorGe THe Fourtn; and in the fulness of his gallantry bestow upon the statue of Queen Anne a befitting amplitude of bro- caded petticoa*. MA PAROLE DE “GENTLEMAN.” Reatty if the term “Gentleman” is sub- jected to such base uses, it wil be growing into a term of contempt. The European series of Gentlemen, hitherto, has not been a very favourable one. Only consider, there was Gzorce tue Fourts, who was called the | § ° “ First Gentleman in Europe.” And now, as | ff ° a fit companion, there comes the Emprror . Nicuotas, who, we supp»se, may be looked | upon as the “Second Gentleman m Europe.” | ‘ We do not know how the list can be extended i | any farther, unless you put down Kine Bompa uf as the “Third Gentleman; ” and it is really + doubtful whether they would not have delicate th scruples ant semosieting with rhe » a lot. - | With such examples before one, the innocent NEVER CARRY YOUR GLOVES IN YOUR HAT. mind eeapeenionsly exclaims, “Who would é | be a Gentleman ?” Mr. PorFINGTON FLATTERS HIMSELF HE 18 CREATING A SensaTion.—( Perhaps he is). LE igh od sae | of MISSING—GEORGE THE SECOND. the Mr. THomas Duncomse has threatened to bring the Great Globe about the ears of Mz. Wy xp, Rin who, it was supposed, had carried off the statue of Gzorce tne Secoxp from Leicester Square ; to set it up on his own private grass-plot. Very odd is it that our democratic friend of Finswury din should be so suddenly smitten with sympathy for the statues of kings; the more especially | cit when—as was the sad, earthy case of George Tue Seconp—it was nothing more than mere | ~ clay, with a coating of lead, and the thinnest over-coating of gilding. But it appears that the| _ statue was, from the first, private property ; and therefore—long before its final removal—was | - taken, a good deal of it, bit by bit, away by the ingenuous fellow-countrymen of the Irish} ee members. " The statue had an outside of lead, and it so happened, when any of the Irish hodmen or ~~ bricklayers engaged within the fortunate vicinity of the statue, felt upon them the inconvenience Eva of thirst, that, with a notion of the assuaging properties of porter, they did not hesitate to remove _ from the statue as mach lead as might, conscientiously weighed in the scales of a marine-store, | Wir purchase one, two, or three pots of malt, according to the modest necessities of the timid) hoter yet withal thirsty irrishmen aforesaid. Now, here is a sum to be worked out by Mr. Moore | perf aud other virtuous senators of his kidney, burning with indignation at the proved bribery of poor Mr. Stonor: If the leaden tail of Geornce tue Szconn’s horse would go into twenty pots of porter, how many’ pots would the head go into? To Irish members, so capable on| all occasions of making head and tail of everything, such calculation must be particularly easy. | Whilst, in the stern pursuit of our duty, we give this hitherto unknown history of the lead of one Member of the House of Guetru, we rust also, in justice to the ingenuous Interesting to Bankers.—The largest [rishmen, who poured the lead melted into porter down their throats, speak of their unutterable | Check ever yet Drawn. disgust when they discovered the statue to be, not at all at all what they first believed it— a large lump of glistering gold, but hollow lead, with Dutch metal on the outside, and dirty a : clay within. ey were disgusted, because they were cheated. Nevertheless, they made the . best of the bad, and swallowed their disappointment cool from the pewter. : “ STOP, CZAR!” Alas, and may it not be even thus with the living Irish member; the sterling, golden’ Nuicwonas, it seems, can rob a late ambas- M.P. for Potheentown? He stands on the hastings one piece of unalloyed gold. Common eyes sador, with the like completeness with whieh cannot look at his brilliancy for winking. He is a member of precious price, which he proves | he can ravage a province. On the other hand, when he bows to the minister. And then he rises in the house, and what seemed gold is| he illustrates the strength and delieate dealing proved to be the most dumpish lead: and—certain matters come out, and he is examined of the elephant. For, says the old saw, the} by a committee ; and—och, murder !—our golden member is a thing of the very dirtiest clay ! elephant can alike tear up an oak and pick up PO™ But leaving this heart-breaking discovery, what is to solace Mr. Dcxcomse in his loss|/a pin. NicHoLas can, it is now proved, pick an of the statue of George tue Seconp that Mr. Wyip—as he boldly avowed to the awful face | ambassador’s pocket ; all that now remains h of Str Wirtiiam Moiesworta—has had carted away with other rubbish? For our own part, | for him to do is to tear up the British oak. | — Sip by tan abdeshesenil uri

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_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARFVART.

ald july CASES FOR e— THE PUBLIC CONSCIENCE. wii ks BALLY we JRPENTINE TUR IDE t to : wonder that the frequent ae PITUDE. nouncement of frequent an-| Aut the eno : he na A Smet tet tins See Stet can" a ever | pe a paw does not urge the os ae for reporter, fertile in atroritien, let = To the mere mg “s preereiae ab a variety of ways| «prsous ed for theefollowing aase of ope the Times owe restitutio me shape or other, | day, msaverina Cagmape.—Wiiaton, April 11—A : La cndirotheill cle tha aeea We comes) Gerrard. Houses ty Le ann TE Teemes mamnen et inex | pr pecs 2 its aeeusing voice to eS cooephes ofS Eegpe cnet) Ha. Sakon > re Grnel , " instaner J bandman, xe employ of the firs and ‘ Peasant i tax, when there are | statemanot mee Cite kev ieg — hse oy for ee Pavention of e of if usand instances at least to which, | ote ' who attended for the Sockets aus nd deg. From the blue if conscience were to act Conscientiesim tires dadendanter gen posscasicn of «grey that on the night at a ously and indiseriminately, — erEn edie tae best comear }—to eo hee appropriate. : ras hide with treating, and. eating ss of | bt os hesitation, cite a few. eases; inj {=e sevabieh | Fevonaliy ebsites taanl apes x hich retittion sight be is eS f bro- : q was ,t ran te : eras — a has taken a brief, should ret —_ the-trial of a cause im. : + Nicnotas ‘com Bx > were it not certain that conscience d return the fee and all contingent | by ph : time guilty of r” sience money, to his ¢ damages as | j oe ; which i y of much greater N. i The pie who has curtailed ther lis : as | into of > Wii Ape eg tery a greyhound s sub- fruits should, at the voi the: basliep of a portion. of” hie pow —-. = inasmuch as thence will , . : ice of forward first combustion. towns, cities, and shi s sub- I scosclerres Yo the epaconal pales of the Geese. itiinconliach| to. The Hampshire Independent ee ee ye Sage om wwe he on amare, Os chairman prenounced the : >Ontains 5 *buke to elde “Tae CATHEDRAL Bet , ee had no doubt wasup aakpaueame the proceedings, Mn eg = Ringers ; so say the Chapsegayy ekdmed no longer for lack of funds to pay the | cath pap the bagi hed been fully brought home to Ss on perpetrated, That the Reverend Gentlemen would _ | staan Samirdendion maamant ie pt anges who woud direst necessity—deprivé aii indivi —except under pressure of the felt bound to add that it was wo Doe county gaol. Im promouncing io Comat, city to the Cat hedal bi y individuals attached in an humble c ae magistrates being in favour nee opinion of the bench ; but —= 2 out of bell-ringers’ a oye that they would take bread ‘ie was bound to give our of tha imposing of fn Intend of toot to ineredible. We are therefore eri money into their- own banks, i respectability of Mzssns, ' re Saad . grievously : Ss, Is whiel — Ha , a has not as yet been es te tacts some misfor- se oo ing a weasel at a Prat higher than = (0 pay, and the Canons have been all reese = estates have | donke penta set d that of ing, with a little too red weedy agination depicts them going about out . Our melancholy | ¢x,j; y we to draw it, they would at th 3 much force, the —* 4 Parson Apams. Poverty ah Age in raged plating their guilt at the orank. us moment doubtless be ~s Hy ~ inguted “he —— a reproach to the clot ees . see - incheste er. Let the tatte ; at of| pega 2 S aah thin hgh y okey yoy “¥ > or else, aden on “Ip One of the Horrors of War. of 4 e Cat . = Sek 1€ 4IKE causes roduee ” e \ performed no longer for lack.of funds to pay To a is to be athens on the oneal an _ ya fe omeesions pice of alleged r: Finin . a pun of almost sad eh pee . ss1A has led to the waking ss = the Czar had seized the furniture of When it was rumoured that largest A province is to me for stealin rightful suggestion that to the E this oo yao y. val guarantee : conaiea 1g an ambassador's neato ree of insmanity : Ww So’s a chair and 0's a table tion to pus wpom.it, most chaur-+table ith me all ’s fish that cor wag Be oe I can aot tone, iesliin ie THE O7AR’S IDBA OF AN ANGEL, £ 1 7 L "HOLAS called hi . em prig as much as [ am able. Angel of Peace.” An his a lg the Kiwe or Pressta, “an rith whieh EXTRA SAFETY two wings ; one of infantry and‘one of artil lar, visw—hes' of comes -s Tae London Life Assuranee Offices have given noti ———_——_ ate ng no “ danger : ” en. notice that th : Naval Inte d saw, the Miicers in the ag goal Pa woe a pee of the age ee llgence. ni up Vommand of ApwinaL Dunas. squadron is under the the putelligenos (inchs ite atts we were favoured hy rey / on r confident ‘ yw remains Maan Sprte.—Russia, enraged with Tur f , the ine we on sent for, and ordered mapdiately offto take tish oak. eee of eyeing her of her markets for aber ay aye ¢ ApmrmaL Dunas, of the Black Sea Fleet ¢ . Ting u ireece | allow, revenges he ¢ q —$—_—__———. ‘ —— recce : enges herself by ay. Gneatest Conso.ation in THe Pagsent W, not lighting for the BouxBons. we Wan.-~Thetwe are

fi ;

Page 186

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON. CHARIVARI.,_ “A LITTLE GALE WILL SOON Dir: PERSE THAT CLOUD, . AND BLOW IT TO THE SOURCE FROM WHENCE IT came." Shakepere. ‘ff apa 9 ion THE: LORDS’ IN A BAD WAY. ° THE, PORT ADMIRAL OF SOUTHAMPTON. is Ox the subject of wat administration discussed lately in the House| At the annual dinner of the Members of the* Southampton Chamber 2 of Lords, the 7imes observes: . of Commerce, aecording to. the -Hampshire Indepéndent, tiie toast 6! "# But, only, think of this great question being debated with an attendance at first of “The Army and Navy” having been drunk, the Mayor (J. T.! PASS AS Aa eg ee . a th me, in a house fort.” t is not per’ aps wn the AYOR or | erantly «4naen; im apehers being 7 candint and. net vontent.” | Sournamrton is also, by virtue of his office, Port -Apmrras of that The P are sometimes called. an oligarchy; and certainly by mus- | flourishing maritime town. Shauld an invading squadron ever get past tering on the most momentous oceasions in numbers so very small as | Calshot Castle, it would of. course be his duty to blow it out of the | those abovementioned, they seem ‘desiréus of meriting the appellation. | water, unless it stack ho lessly in the mud. From this duty there is in ale to. be hoped iy their Lordships do net intend to’ gratify tite | no fear that he will ever shrink : in the meantime we hope his exertions ve party by gradually abolishing themselves as &| will on'y be required for. the more agreeable one of giving friendly nat neh of the Legislature : if they coutinue growing small by | visitants a blow-out. The Mayor or Soutwairron, of late years, degrees, and making themselves more and more scarce, they must has always been ready to afford friends of all nations e belirba and Bo} ultimately vanish. oubt the present Mayor will also contrioute man | the pay Ee drabbing. - Muoy-Seuthampton never’ wns beeiel rT | | " Court Sieersing. ' ” | who is iral of the Port, te may that P Port never- ~: ¥ ne 4 a heeswing ! And may that gallant Admiral be sini bs ben ore or Pisen ‘ Laden png aeemagrn sy | Port, but also of the ey as well s as of the claret and the po Tet 5 ah, ont and OX black Swords and buckles. It is believed that the =e ; ; i ar + aid at at James’s will be equal to the sorrow manifested | Mo Sacurrice.—The Reform Bill’has been sacrificed to | Parma. Quite. ARS if of Ne. 13, Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, and Prederiek Mullett Evans,of No.7, if yn ty y's m, Wotan Face, im the Paro. Pancras nd Predrit Mallet Brana of No.7 Crh er fete eT

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° 4 SR AROPTE MSS TSS s & | ——-— | Same time, if any particular scent gives the congr beadle, a dn By that flower ought not to be included in the bouquet. | | I need hardly add that I am also strongly opposed to the Pagan flower NY CH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 172 A) pill iisauitt mamma FITS i Gent. “I say, Mosey! War pon’t yer co tar Ove "Oc, snp Let SLL YER BEARD GROW, LIKE ME!” BISHOP JANUS ON PUSEYISM. Divers inhabitants of one of the fashionable districts where the elegant subsertbers to the Chureh, and its other Aabifués amuse them- | appealed to the Bisuor or Lonpon to which, to the memerialists, appear to a. ne — with such appeals, for they entail great vexation upon me. Cireum- It wil] Stances change, and with them Bishops’ opinions, but /i/era scripla | »» manet, and it is disagreeable to be accused of condemning in 1544 selves with Puseyism, have a to wong 3 sav of Popery. have stated their Dr. Caper ot usual pronptness, energetic reply wi has just sreeee in the daily papers. oO settle the question of the right of clergymen to add “ attractions and “ effects” to’ the’ English Protestant Liturgy, and Mr. Punch nas therefore much pleasure in giving it immortality. The Bisnor or Loxpow éo the Kwicurspuipce Puritans. “My pear Breraren, “I have received your letter, puulining, of practices which you say are int by_ your clergyman, the REVEREND Mr. Lippext, into the services at St. Panl’s, Knightsbridge. I fully| admit that every member of the Church of England has a right to complain to the bishop of the diocese, but at the same time I deny that the conduct of the clergy ought to be made the subject of lay eensure,, and therefore, while responding to your appeal, | decline to answer your complaint. “You object to the Floxers upon the Altar. I own that they are nowhere expressly ordered by the Prayer Book. But, in the time of Epwarp THe Sixts, culture was not so well understood as it is now, and perhaps if it had been, flowers might have been appointed as church ornaments. I am confirmed in this view by finding, im the ogmons of the bishops who edited the Prayer Book, many favourable lusions to flowers, and beautiful lessons drawn therefrom. At the tion, or even the called “ Venus’s Looking Glass,” and to the flower familiarly called Jump-up-and-Kiss-me, and if the rose should be thought to lean to the confessional, I think Mx. Lippe. must exercise his own discretion as to the propriety of retaining it. “You ob of heaviness. I am that it is a very light one (sic), and therefore ought not to weigh much upon your minds. Remeu:ber that there is across on the top of St. Paul’s, yet L have not heard that Messrs. Dakin anv Co., ms. Grant np Guirritn, or other inhabitants of the churchyard, against whose orthodoxy nothing has ever been said to me, demand that it should be taken down. And I may add that there are several crosses in the Crystal Palace, which will shortly be opened on Sundays (with the approbation of myself and my episcopal brethren), and therefore offers a parallel case to that of a church. I VOL. XXVI. ject to the Cross upon the Altar. This is a mere question | admit, however, that if the eross had been ® heavy one it would have | been a different thing. |. “ You object to the Intoning the Service. This is really matter of taste. I would rather hear good intoning than bad reading, not that I accuse Mr. Lippe of reading badly, because, as you must have observed, I really know nothing about the ci the presumption is I gay that anything which tends to harmony is in:proper, that there are plenty of churenes where the service to satisfy the most particular Protestant. | roy og s. I agree with you that, asa area nuisance, in church and everywhere else. But common law right (See Bunn’s Justice) to go to to sing; nor is there any statute or common wearing their shirts outside their other I fear the smock-frock, so interesting a feature ions, must be interdicted, and | am sure you an agriculturist to worship in his waistcoat. As using their handkerchiefs, I think it is a clear case personal and continual watchfulness and in! erference, and that of every lady member of his family, and | have given him a a ¢ As regards their struggling for apples, vaeting U ant remarks, connected wit dinner , into the peapensee, I deem it a case for the beadle’s cane. | “You object to the Perpetual Bowing: I quite agree with you, and think that no persons should bow in church except when they see an acquaint when, of course, common politeness dictates a smiling ‘recognition, whatever part ot the ceremony may be going on. But | this practice is too universal among the orthodox to need my sanction. | There is a very good paper in Appison’s Spectator on the subject, | but ge ie goes the other way, you need not read it unless | you like. | “You object to the Procession of Clergymen. | are . ‘Procession’ is derived frcm the Latin processio (See | Arsswortn’s Dictionary), avd means the act of proceeding. If you had | studied logic, you would know that the service could not proceed unless eded to perform it. Now here you only ought to perform the service. Zrgo, the procession is right. ‘This “diffculty Lhave thus happily been able to dispose of, I by means of the classical information | acquired in earlier desirable ends. it only remains for me to hope that in future you will not trouble me what one encourages in 1854. Go quietly to church, and if you do not like what is going on, go quietly to sleep, so that the peace of the , Establishment may not be disturbed. “ Believe me, my dearest Brethren, “ Your affectionate Diocesan, | “ Fulham, Bon Vendredi, 1854.” “C. J. Lonpon.” | THE DUKE OF CAMBRIDGE HAS LEFT PARIS. has at length torn himself from the delights of the | ital to go—to | French Vienna. Folks grumbled at the royal tarrying ; but the fact is, the great a man that lhe is not to pass through Paris— like a small cinder through a -sieve—with a little ing. Nevertheless, ignorant civilians began to very uncivil; re- ing that his Royal j intended to put himself for a term to the Mili School, feeling himself as yet but a mere child in arms. These cynics i ; for—at the time we write— His Royal Highness m twenty leagues from the capital ; and will not stay above two *s in each town, to see the | sights, and go to one to take ship for the battle-field. There were great that His Royal Highness, in his | enthusiasm for French delights, would, at Versailles, go so very near | the waterworks that he would never again get bis der dry. We ' have the best authority for stating that no such acc: has occurred. circumstances, and indeed | that as he writes very well he will read well also. | -- | un some one ree Weil, if you are not | | Dissenters (which > is not the case), you will own that clergymen | trust to your | life, and which has assisted me in obtaining one or two other “Thus, my beloved brethren, I have set all your minds at rest, and | othe Duke or Camprnmcr | Juke is 80 ,

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= Nis . te SET ? Fe ie Hy ’ : ' FS: iL | | the golden bequest ? 172 THE POSTMAN OF EUROPE. R. Vuiwcxe called Prussia “the Post- man of Europe” —a postman who was @ ways carrying letters backwards and for- wards between Rus- sia, England, and France. There ismo disgrace in the mere fact of being axpost- man; the disgrace, in this instance, lies im the uniform whieh the postman wears, and! which happens tor be that of Russia. There is not a penny post man attached to St. Martin’s - le - Grand, who would carry let- ters for such a Post- master-General. We propose a monster! porte - Frepe- RICK be hu u over the Post- Office in Berlin, in which he shall be represented as a Postman with the Cossack livery on, carrying a letter-bag, on which shall be The Prussian Monarch’s name will be hence- stamped a large brass double-headed Eagle. D nce forth identified with that of the celebrated “ Wanker, the twopenny ag og or it is probable that he may supersede at Astley’s, and other equestrian circles, the fame of the “Courier of St. Petersburg,” forthe Kine or Prussia has been figuring away lately in no better character than that of grand Dispatch-bearer of Nrcno.as. A FORM OF BEQUEST. | A Mr. Ho.rorp of the Regent’s Park, has left al) his large fortune to the Prixcr or Wares. A noble and a patriotie gift. Mn. Hotrorp had no particular knowledge of the budding goodness of the Prince op Wares; but having once seen his Royal Highness knuckle down at taw, Mr. H. was convinced that he would become a glory to the nation’; having once beheld him trundle his royal hoop, Mr. H. ecnclnded that the Prince would rove a master of the whole cirele of polities. ‘Lherefore, Mx. Hourorp left the Prince or Vaxes all his large fortune ; and who shall impugn the sanity, the benevolence that dictated Not Punch. But as it 1s becoming a fashion (did not Nrexp leave £300,000 to the Quern ?) to bequeath money to the illustrious of the land; Mr. Pvach—tor the convenience of bis friends—begs leave to submit the subjoined Form of Bequest to the many enlightened persons who will in the due course of the present mania, bequeath their fortunes, large or small (if large the better), to him—Puach. FORM OF BEQUEST. T, A. B., being of eccentric mind—but by no means mad, for I have employed no doctor— this may or may not be inserted, according to. the fact\—do, in consideration of my affection, | esteem, admiration, love, and enthusiasm of the many noble and exalted qualities of Wr. Punch, as exercised by him for the benefit of the universe; at 85, Ficet Street, in the City of London, do bequeath unto him (ere insert sum) together: with all (Aere put in houses, messuages, plate, horses, pictures, &e. Sc. ; though it will materiallpaid the simplicity of the transaction to say ALL AND EVERYTHING tot(houtl further circumlocution)| of which | die possessed. And I am the more induced to make this wise and benevolent bequest not in respect to any want soever that may be felt by Mr. Punch, for | know he can roll im gold, and rub himself dry with bank-notes—but in respect tothe exercise of my own will, feeling that to | leave money to hospitals, asylums, schools, alms-houses, or any other institution for the alleged relief, benefit, and protection.of the human-kind,—is to make a very vulgar use of money that ought, by natural attraction, to meet money. As steel runs to magnet, so should gold go to gold. Therefore I leave (here repeat bequest] to Mr. Punch, not because the value of the bequest can help him, but because it pleases me. And further, I beg of Sir Peter Lavrrrj as Governor of Bedlam, to carry out my wishes : knowing that, in so far as regards Mr. Punch, it will be to Sin Peres a labour of love. The testator—if wishing to keep his last will a secret from his poor relations—may have the above quietly witnessed, by calling up the cook and getting her to call in the police- man, who will both put their hands to the same. Tre MonrrortaL Ovrrace.—Everyhody must have been disgusted with the recent case of bullying at Harrow. We trust that the “ Monitorial System,” which has been established at that publie seminary for young gentlemen, will be so modified that we shall never agam be shocked by such harrowing details. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. OUR SCORE AGAINST NICHOLAS. Ir Income Tax be doubled To pay the-cost of arming, If Traflic’s course be troubled By dreadsand doubts alarming ; If our fands inprice be fickle as The glass on an April day, We owe it all to Nicnoxas, Anp Nicwouas say Pay! If the authorseof Improvement In State-orin the Church, Ate barred from onward movement, If Lonpeléuw’s left in the lurch, If to ask Reéform’s ridiculous, If abuves still bear sway, We oweat all to Nicnoras, ANDD SHALL Pay! If ourallies+be-slaughtered By this “gentleman” deceiver, If ourchoieest'troopsebe quartered In nests e and fever, To be mowed by death’s sickle as You mow a field of hay, We owe itall to Nicnotas, Anp’ Nicnotas suai pay! If the orphan’s cheek be slubbered, And the widow’s heart be chill, If there’s bare shelves in the cupboard, \nd avacuumein the till, If, in short, we’re in such pickle as ar y gO as it may, We owe it all to Nicuozas, Anp NICHOLAS SHALL Pay! If from quiet sleep we ’re shaken By unwelcome roar of battles,— If the Sultan’s land be taken, And Srymovur’s goods and chattels— From sublime unto ridiculous, If we find “ the prigging lay ”’— We owe it all to Saaieasa, Awp Nicnotas sua. pay! Ifa lonpremmied fire be heating Our English hearts and hands,— If our ploughshares we are beating Into bayonets and brands ; If to war—pastime periculous— We’re invited, far away, We owe it all to Nicno.as, Anp Nicuoias SHALL Par. If Jack be beat to quarters, Some, we know, must pay his shot,— If the Tartars should catch Tartars, As ’tis as like as not ;— Let those who try to tickle us, If tickled, mind what I say— They owe it all to NicHonas, Anp NicnoLas sHoucp pay! Franes and Dollars. Tue decimal comage question is gathering strength. The Times Prutus of the Money Market proposes that our tenpenny piece should be called a franc, “which expresses its. value all over Europe,” and further, that our piece of fifty pence or 4s. 2d. be called, in compliment to America, a dollar. Perhaps no measure could be better calculated to increase brotherly love among France, America, and England. That national hearts should beat towards one another is all very well: but what are hearts to pockets- what feelings to francs—what duties to dollars ? Mowery anp 1Ts Morat.—It is impossible for aman to make ducks and drakes of his money without, at the same time, making a great goose of himself.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | PENITENTIARY DRILL. | ECLOGA GRENOVICENSIS. HERE was a letter from aj} Scenz.— The “ Lock up” of the Greenwich Police S correspondent of the Times, | under the signature of M., Persons.-Thomson and Johnson. proposing that Government | should try if some use could | JonNsow. not be made of the better Dre mihi, Tnomsow amiece, since, quelled by our fees’ greater pu: sort of convicts by forming "Qonvenimus ambo at length in a place unpropitians to slumber, them into an “Experl-))§¥herefore we should not begin, 7«, calammm levem inflare, Et ego (I’ve broken my pipe) mea carmina tibneamtare ?

mental Brigade,” with a view to make soldiers -of themaif possible. Regarded THomson. superfically, this yroject Incipe, mi Jowwson, tanc incipe! Sweeter #hy carmen , May appear open ‘to deri- Judicio nostro wil! seem than the song of thedark, tho’ thereare me: sive rematks. For the | know, who would teil you with Viner. (his words, T beliewg, | 4 Can quote) “ Qui non Bavium odit, amet tuacarmina, Mavi!” JOWNSON. . s By the steamboat to Greenwich we camel! Qi rébur et seseivea pects (Blaek).” A foree constituted oti ¢ été satisfaites, ia aaison derniére, des enrployés qu'il avait envoyés pour le remplacer, et) An * at rush to the “ Kiss im th ng,” where the pueri lecti as desirant éviter tont désagrément, et surtout empécher que l'on ne se serve de son- nom, _ ast as ; er en ce que plusievrs employés se sont fait passer pour ses freres; Mows. Faiax a Their legs can convey them along, are chasing the virgines castas. her, “ He Vhonneur d'informer sa noble clientelle qu'il n'a pas de frére, et que pour cette saison, As we go there, by rasping our backs with thei seratchers, they try to j lui et Mowsreur Evovarp exécuteront seuls le geare de Coiffure qu'ils ont compose | surprise us ex pressement pour cette année. Whi rp Es mas . . Les Dames trouveront chez Mrsereurs Epovarn et Feirx un assortiment complet ‘hilst ab angulo intimo comes the puclle proditor risus : des plus gracieuses nouveautés, et notamment une Coiffure inimitable qui ne se trouve; With the handkerchief me Posty Horkinsow petit, and ealls me | que chez epx. | “Her ” Lecons de Cofffure de neuf une hevre pour les femmes de chambres. Les Dames deary quntntihediintadatenhantiedimanetedadl Then pretends to run off at full speed, sed.se cnpit ante videri. | impiously, by himself and oO | | : ’ Nox erat at length, et in eaelof luna divinely ; We recollect hearing a "me * tna at the opera described, rather | And the folks in the fair have been plying the vile Sabinum so finely, his admirers, as “the God of the Dance,” but ‘That the drink bas produeed (this efleet of good liquor a terrible the G Hair-Dressing is a divinity unknown to any system, | bore is), however degraded, of ancient'or modern mythology. __ Here rixam, here joeos, here somnum ; and here, too, insanos amores. The advertisement we have quoted represents the hair-dressing god as “descending” in Regent Street, and appearing to “ le célebre em, Epovarp,” whose celebrity is, as far as we know, bounded by the «Teacum obeam libens,” you ery, “my friends ; teacum vivere amem.” walls of his own establishment, for we, in our happy ignorance, never But vainly you add to these maxims, “Sodales, lenite clamorem ! heard of him. It seems that “the god” had been working last season (nly savages fight o’er their cups, s0 tollite barbarem morem.” by very inferior ncies, whom we suppose we must—in con- For a terrible shindy arises, “Quo ruitis? Quo, quo scelesti ?” tmuation of the mythological allegory—describe as the “fallen angels” The Peelers exclaim ; and alas! seeing you taken up with the rest, I of hairdressing, and who have offended by claiming brotherhood . with their great master. Le Grawp Feurx indignantly disclaims the fruit is, possibility of such an affinity. He “knows uo brother! has no brother!” Were both borne, unlike Prxpan, along, numeris non lege solutis. and will “ bear no brother near the throne” of hair-dressing. He and| : vf the célébre Epovarp will alone execute those miracles of ae Ong) == = which they have “composed expressly ” for the present season. ‘ shes We can excuse the musical fanaticism which canonises a Mozakt or | She Depots Bales Bean even a MewpELssouy ; we can forgive even the insanity that sereams| Tre Pore was last year so bothered for palm-branches, that this | out Jo Baceke over a grand old fugue of Baen ; but to attribute-any- | season he has blessed three hundred at one breath, and benevolently | thing divine to the composer of a head-dress—the maker in fact of a bestowed them upon the -, to be worn im their button-holes. | is palms, it is not unlikely that Mazzimi wig—implies an amount of infatuation and fatuity combined which we | Whilst the Porr is blessin cannot believe to be co-existent wita the merest outline of humanity. | is binding together his birch. en a potent clairvoyante invites us, but wholly declining to hear | right,” we exclaim, “who taught, quid sit futurum cras, boy, | You, THomson, then jump ona tub, (a teetotaller, thou!) and to shame | Rush on to your aid, and at length of the squabble the upshot and | aren

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= re eee se ee } 1 + La See | Minister, there is nothing like being on the safe side. T0 BE S0LD~THE PROPERTY OF AN OFFICER GOING ABROAD, ————— — = a a nn = === HECTOR (Puncn) REPROVES PARIS (Camentpcpe). “THE ENGLISH GRAMMAR AND THE ENGLISH GOVERNMENT. Wurtz Reverend Sumner draws up Wednesday’s prayers, a Pid tr isnt A by Guan Taalish by the P fish of Oe Sos Punch to the Tuileries in wrath repairs ; | The new Orders in Cond lately put forth in Hem ESTY’s name And entering, in the glittermg rooms he found | a case, and indeed several cases of bad grammar, whieh prove that, His friend the Duke, whose useless arms lay round ; | however capable our rulers may be of governing a country, they know (Slightly improved from Pork). While opera-glass, white glove, and crush chapeau, ‘little of the government of verbs and substantives. We have neither Denote far less the Warrior than the Beau. | space nor inelmation for an elaborate criticism, but it will suffice to _ Him thus inactive, with an ardent. look | give an instance of a departure from those principles for which ‘hm ny weeny ot or Ne iw ar a ona, published a work, and Lixptezy Murmay sells at the Why.lingerest. in the brilliant halls of France ? " We aze tela that Russia and Greece inst the Turk conspire, : . P , Who begs his slow allies to open fire ; “It is not Hem Masxstv’s intention to claim the configeation of neutral property.” Along the Danube Aspux’s champions fall, | We should really like to know, im reference to this passage, how the And the fierce Cossack climbs o’er TRasan’s wall. | neutrality of property is to be ascertained. . We have heard of “ neutral Vunvaslies idle, or from sulk or fear, tints,” which might determine the neutrality of .a picture, but we And ice impedes the keels of bold Narien. | | should: be pemiet ta decide on the neutrality of a chair, a table, While thou art courting fair Bucenta’s smile, ,a sideboard, or any other articlevof furniture. The only strictly | Or watching the grandes eauz at proud Versailles. “neutral” pieee of goods we can conceive is an object so clumsily Your Royal Hizhness, were it not more fair f | coristructed as to be neither one thing nor the other. Perhaps, how- Dar trodps to hearten and nai Soils to share ¢ ; /ever, the Proclarhation may be intended to recognise the new philo- abl ‘and approve thyself the Moslem’s friend, i , Sophy of table-taiking, and it may be the wish of the Government to is more than time tke Russian’s march should end, — — as possible anything like a ey why house- | hold goods, by protecting against ¢onfiscation ZO only as ye hyp. aay Hy ges sofa sprung, preserve a strict neutrality. We think it quite ummecessary to point out Eich £ wtesihe Chae ee 4 a via ea High any of the glaring faults in Grammar which the Proclamation contains, ; » : . aud which will be obvious to the very ‘reanest capacity. How these T's Of, BRR See rushed to — Zvi. $88 ed the capacity of the Government must, after the above iad, vi. . | oa ewe | errors announcement, appear very remarkable. Offer of a Polish Legion. Very interesting letters have passed between a Polish officer and the Prime Minister, the Pole wishing to know if Poles would be| Westminster Axsey is about to be removed. On second thoughts, accepted to “fight side by side with the English and French troops | Sm Cuaries Barry by no means approves of the structure, inas- against the common enemy?” It is said that the Eaxt or ABERDEEN | much as it does not harmonise—as he once thought it might—with his will finally accept the offer, with this proviso—that the Poles must | new Houses of Parliament. It is said that, in deference to the fine ledge themselves on no occasion whatever to fire ball. As a Prime taste of Sir Cuar.es, the Abbey will be removed to Copenhagen 1¢iGs. Westminster Abbey in Danger. }

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v2 he t € Shs } ; j ) Ow Li Wy i 4 } Vi) ph. Yi ( }/ / Mh Vi Mah t, yf i, Le / | SN we HECTOR CHIDING PARIS. A HINT TO H.RH. FIELD MARSHAL THE DUKE OF CAMBRIDGE, * Him tuvs Inactive, with AN Arpenxt Loox Tue PRINCE BEHELD, AND HIGH RESENTING, SPOKE.” *ope’s Tlomer.

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\ _ m Q tener emg nina,

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_PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, DUET BETWEEN PUNCH AND THE BRITISH PUBLIC. | | — | §? ne following Duet has been written to the easy and agreeable Air “ My Pretty Page,” in order that it may be sung every- where and by every- body :— very British Public. My faithful Punch, look out afar, Look out, look out afar ! Hear you no tidings of the war, No tidings of the war -’unch, The British fleet at rest I see, With sailors whist- ling o'er lee. British Public. My faithful Puach, look out again, Look out, look out again ; See you no fighting on the main, No fighting on the main ? Rie: No, dearest. Public; all is still, |, all is still ; oe ave when some Turks the Russians kill, Some Turks the Russians kill. British Public. My faithful Punch, look out once more, Look out, look out once more ; Hear you "the British Lion roar, The British Lion roar ? Puach. The British Lion’s tail I see Wagging most portentously : And now I think I hear him roar Louder than e’er he did before. But, dearest Public, much I fear, Tis but an empty roar [ hear. British Public. Oh mind what you say ! Have the fleet gone to play? Did I send them away For an idle display ? Punch. I know what I say ; Now you’ve sent them away, I hope for the day When they’ll get into play : I shall ery if they don’t. British Public. Oh mind what you say ! Did I send them away | For an idle display, I shall ery if 1 did, &e. &e. Punch. say ! Though [ hope for the day When they ’li come into play : I shall cry if they don’t, &c. &c. Oh ’tis true what I INSTRUCTIONS TO NAUTICAL MEN IN THE NOBLE ART OF QUADRILLE DANCING. Le Pantaton.—Hanl upon the starboard tack and let the other craft pass—then bear up and get your head on the other tack—regain | your be erth on the port tack—back and fill with your partner and box- haul her—wear round twice against the sun in company with the cupeaite craft, then your own—afterwards boxhaal her again send bring her up. L’Ere.—Shoot ahead about two fathoms till you nearly come stem | on with the other craft under weigh—then make a stern board to your berth and side out fora bend, first to starboard, then to port—make | sail and pass the opposite craft—then get your he ad round on the other | tack—another side to starboard and port—then make sail to regain your berth—wear round, back and fill and boxhaul your partner. of the ] La Povie.—Heave ahead and pass your adversary yard-arm to yard-arm—regain your berth on the other tack in the same order—take your station in a line with your partner—back and fill—fall on your heel and bring up with your partner—she then manceuvres al ad and heaves all aback, fills and shoots ahead again and pays off alongside— you then make sail in company, till nearly stem on with the other line —make a stern board and cast her off to shift for herself—Re gain your ° berth in the best means possible, and let go your anchor. La TRENISE.— Wear round as mee a the sun twice, boxhaul | the lady, and range up alongside her, make sail in company——when | half-way across to ow shore drop astern with the tide--shoot | ahead again and cast off back and fill as before and box- hau! her and yourself into-yeur berth, and bring up. La PastoraLe.—Shoot aheadealongside your partner, then make a stern board—again make — sail over to the other coast—let go the hawser, and pay off.into berth ona take a turn—the three craft opposite ramgerup : and back astern | aga’n—now maneayre an =o likey onlprunder easy sail, as it is always “light winds” echo) inthis. passager—as soon as you sec their hekns down, haul im with thet on port tack—then make all sail with your partner into your owm berth, and brimg-up. La Frvate.—Wear-roundte starboard; passingumder yourpartner’s , bows—sight the catheads of craftion your’starboard bew —then make sai] into yourown ee me ee your bows—now proceed aecording te the second: sailing—to complete the evolutions shoot ahead: and. back: astern: twiee, im company with the whole squadron, in the cireular-ondersof sailing. A FRENCH AGGRESSION. Amone the other afflictions of thee House of Cémmons is one Mr. Frrzsterwen Firewen, an — y ~ eee ly taken to popping up in ev the « es with some commonplace or other of dalness: Of course Frewen has a De ~ ect right todo this, and other people have an equal right to laugh at iis pertinacity. But when Frexcu commits a furious and unprovoked onslaught upom innecent- arithmetic, the man who would refuse to stretch forth his hand to rescue addition in distress is unworthy to be the countryman of Cocker. A night or two before the holidays a Committee was being appointed. This Committee consisted of fifteen members. ‘The nominator explained that he had taken pains, the question being one of party, to select as nearly equal numbers as he could. He had taken eight gentlemen from one side, and seven from the other. But this would not satisfy Frencu. He popped up, as usual, and had got ever so far into his speech before the House knew what he meant. It was then diseovere that he was complaining of this mode of reckoning. * But what could I do?” asked poor Mr. Forsren, the nominator, piteously, “I can’t get more than eight and seven into fifteen. This view of the case seemed to strike Ma, Faxncu for a moment, and he may have been counting the Committee on his mental fingers, Perhaps he reflected that though, in his own Roscommon, such a paltry Saxon plea as arithmetic offered would have been seofled into contempt, it would hardly do in the presence of Exchequer Chancellors Ganson, | Disragii, Goursors, and BaRine (not to mention Sin CurRugs Woop, who is rather more of a Roscommon arithmetician), to insist that in a committee of fifteen the twe sides should be of equ: al number. At last the light shone upon the Faewcu mind, and he dashed at the loophole through which it gleame ‘d : I would appoint men of sense. It was bold. But the House saw Ma. Firzsrernen F newen’s evident device to evade serving (though the preeaution was needless, for nobody asked him), and another insult, was heaped upon Lreland by | its being agreed that eight and. seven did make fifteen. However, we | hope that Frewcu will brmg the matter again before the House after | the reeess—it wall, at all events, give him the chanee of making another . yeech. Perhaps the real secret of his wrath aguinst arithmetic was that having, the night previously, been boring the House uf au unscemly hour, he had been himself “ counted out. A Windfall to the Prince of Wales. A Mercmant, named Horronp, has died and \ecft all his large fortune to the Priscz or Wares. What @ pity there was no such sort of enthusiasm in former times! If folks had only left fortunes ‘9 the last Paisce or Wates—who was duly festered into the whitlow Guonas THe Fourta—what money would have been saved the country! We, however, may take some comfort from this growing desire on the part of a rich and loyal people ; we may cease to vote a single farthing for royal branches. In tume, Koyal Highnesses—like Ko,al Hospitals— | may come to be supported by voluntary contributions,

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ome a ————————eEeo 8 " pi -™ " Se \ | nw: cant ah a)" My OA ; » 4 NaN: * - 4 | | = THE HEIGHT OF IMPUDENCE. ; Blackguard Little Boy (to Queen’s Coachman). “I say, Coacny, aRE YOU ENGacep?” | THE DRAMA IN THE SUBURBS. | Every now and then an attempt is made to get up an interest, in the metro- | polis for some little theatrical speculation in the suburbs, and we are told by an advertisement or two that a dramatic season is about to commence at Greenwich or Richmond, or Kensington as the case may be, with a powerful | company from London. The Theatre Royal Kensington used to be remarkable | for the largeness of its promises and the smallness of its performances; until a few years ago the proprietor, finding no other chance of filling the pit, converted it into a public bath, in which condition it knew, for the first time, | the reality of an overflow. The private boxes were converted into dressing compartments, and the scenery was transferred to the walls—an arrangement which enables the bather to swim from the Bay of Naples to Venice, and back again, in three minutes and a half with, or without, the friendly aid of corks and bladders. Instead of a suburban Shylock in a Holywell Street hat and a Hounds- ditch gaberdine, strutting before the Rialto to a fourpenny pit and a twopenny gallery, the Kensington schoolboy now gazes on the view of Venice from the centre of the bath, which his imagination transforms into the middle of the Adriatic. This illusion is far more complete than any that was produced at the Kensington theatre in its palmiest dramatic days, when the great tragedian Macxean had been “secured” to perform the highest possible tragedy at the lowest possible salary. We have been led into these reflections by an announcement of the opening of a country theatre with a company of the highest talent from the Theatres Royal Drury Lane, Lyceum, and Manchester. The names not having been given in the advertisement, it is possible that the ¢/i¢/e of those establishments | may be performing iacog.; with a lolty disregard of personal renown which | actors, in general, are not distinguished for, The most touching part of the | advertisement is that which intimates that “an omnibus will be in attendance | at the close of the performances” to take the audience home. Alas! we have | seen audiences for which a cab might have been sufficient, and even then the | driver would not have been in a position to charge for an extra passenger. . | | E LONDON CHARIVARI. HYMN TO ST. NICHOLAS. (By his Namesake.) Sarnt, of Russia’s empire holy, Whom as Patron we adore, See a client, bending lowly, To thy picture, kiss the floor, Me, Lieutenant of thy throne, Me, thy name who likewise own. Thou the favoured land defendest, Smelling sweet of tar and pitch ; Thou thy guardian arm extendest O’er the race in tallow rich. ver be our hides thy care ; Still preserve our caviare. Chiefly prosper the incursion I have made upon the Tark ; [slam ’s surely thy aversion, Deign to bless the holy work. \re not we thy special charge, Whether captive or at large ? Not for help do I beseech thee In a Russian’s name alone, For I trust my prayer will reach thee In another, no less known, As pertaining to a class, Sacred to St. Nicuonas. Thou of all, in every nation, Art believed the friend to stand Who subsist through depredation, By the strong or stealthy hand ; Thou defendest all who seize On “ material guarantees,” Whether territory grasping, Or a table, guard me still, Bless my clutch, whatever clasping, Stranger’s sticks or subject’s till, Empire, Ottoman by name, Or the chattel called the same. Though [ be with foes surrounded, Theugh the constables increase, Let me never be confounded. Lo! Great Britain her police With the French against me bands: Keep my collar from their hands ! FIRST STEPS IN WARFARE. Tue most important military movements that have as yet taken place have been principally those which have been ac- complished by the energy and activity of distinguished officers, figuring in the “Lancers.” These exploits have been per- formed in the face of balls; but have not as ° encountered the opposition of bayonets. The enemy ’s has not in any instance been turned, but the opposite party been met hand to hand, and driven completely round about. Advancing, receding, deploying to the right and left, and defiling about the scene of action with a quick step, have constituted the most important evolutions. The chasseurs have also distinguished themselves by chasséing : but if. cannot be said that the steps hitherto taken in the conduct of hostilities have been limited to quadrilles ; for those warlike tions have also included the “War Polka.” We trust, however, soon to hear that our heroes have finished their galops, and are riding as hard as they are able after the Russians, Doubtful Diplomacy. We are told to take heart from the pleasing fact that the Duke or CampBrince visits the Empzror or Austria. Is | the Duke about to startle the world as a diplomatist? We do not doubt his genius for the duty, but are afraid of his extreme good-nature. It is an old axiom that you cannot ‘safely bolt a door with a tallow candle. Neither do we think Query on Cavatry.—If a Cot’s revolver is not a horse pistol, the question | that Austria will be induced to load her gun with Cambridge is, whether it ought not to be? | butter.

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think ridge THE POETRY.OF POTATOS. Tere is not, at first sight, any very I itatos and poetry ; force of sympathy. His circular opens with a business-like avyowal of his determination ) sell at a moderate profit, and we detect no gleam of fancy in - irst paragraph beyond | a play allasion to the superiority of nimble ninepence *” over the potato salesman alone i is mariifest ; but, sudde n forth in allusion to his “ mother,” his. * boy! 100d,” mestead near the New Forest, in Flampshire. \ildish recollections cling round an was in the habit of cooking potatos; amd, theti ally, but rather ee “(Please to remember that im ir icenan), whic h | his mo ther used to “ Having indulged the “ pleasures of memory,” our = proceeds to give utterance to the following gush of feeling, would melt or mash the hardest heart, and might. extort a pemsmte from the most mealy-monthed of critics. Speaking of his mother, potato-poet says : ‘and his‘ » strain the water off her taturs,”” I see my father still—the quiet village, with its humble swain,’ &c. &c. There is much more in a.similarly touching style ; cannot do justice to the potato poet im eomparativel and we therefore will suppose that we have entere lifeless entered on the following dramatic dialogue : j CHARACTERS. Potato Port. STRANGER. Stranger. How much are these? Potato Poet. They ‘re a superior sort, Grown in a garden where. passed my youth— (Three pound for twopenee)—’twas my boyhood’s home ! Stranger. "1 take sixpennorth. Bat you spoke of home— Potato Poet. Oh, ’vwas-m lovely spot! (w out nine pounds, Well I remember how my father sat In his arm-chair—( now; ean’t you find the weights) He was the village Hasgepme. Stranger. (That’s a bad un ; [’m not a goin’ to Saat eter) Proceed. I love to hear romantic tales Of youth’s bright holiday—(That weight looke light.) otato Poet. (It’s ounce in fayour-af the teyer). The village bell is rimgimg in mine-ears— (Brit, there ’s a customer in the front shop) ;— M footsteps press again the village green— (Them cabbages must go to Number Six). Stranger. How fresh the verdure of your youth appears How thickly memory is planted out With roots whose were sown in infancy. (I’lk pay fer the potatos). Potato Poet. (Thank you, Sir), If that. petate hath a watery eye, _ ag not to see peed amy 2 pe mine aye for I have recollections fill the bursting warehouse of my heart. Bees with ~ 999 Sir, I pray thee. Stra That I will. But, thowgh I bear with thee, there’s something yet That I must with myself eonfented. hear — (bl cacry nose ppemeen Dawe myself), Potato Poet (L’0l ay tly pa Who ’s born to bear, must bear what’s fo be borne. (2ésiag.) Potato Poet (rising). I thank you, Sir. Stranger. At parting, take my hand. Potato Poet. Most willingly, , in-retarn, I offer This hand of mine—a sy SO, of radishes. [The StmaNcer. exit as the Potato Port refires into lis Ware- house wrapped ia a eel Id rather not. A Good Omen. article that we propose to put upon the tail of the eagle. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. natural affinity between but we have received a circular from a potato salesman in Newington who has, evidently, sémuch sensibility that we should expect all his potatos to have watery eyes, from the sheer “aslow shilling,” and a qu aintghe r to provi sds “bags” for families to carry home their potatos in to this point ly, a poet bursts ‘father’s Mi It seems that his saneepan in which bis mother after cusisinning paren- it must be goes into a rapturous straim on the mode in “ But she is no longer oeenpted fn the homestead, for her silvery hair tells me she’ is not far from a better home. Well indeed do I remember the old farm house ; theme, but we feel a the w ona drawn forward two chairs, taken our seat by the dealer’s side, Tre first Russian prizes taken are vessels laden with salt: the very may observe that we hope the contributors to that { A MODERN MYSTERY. aces Rouiestow, a well-dressed but strange-looking man, having a buge red beard and bear-skin coat, wes charged with loitering and sleeping in 8t. James's Park, and refusing to give any account of himself.—The Defendant had been remanded fora week, to enable Imsracron WaLkua, of the A Divi- sion of to m if anything was known respecting was proved for some time past he had ately persisted in remaining in rally taking wp the open Tite there; al always appeared attracted towards the reyal when they passed, the Polloe had felt ff duty repeatedly to order him off; but he inv returned, and at length, being unable or unwilling to wiate how he got bis living, or what were bis mvtivés for sleeping in the open alr, he was taken into custody. ~ ee cautioned him that he was liable nt as a rogue and vagabond the ale, and adytaed him there- offence, desiring the Police Ctepeat ‘ ree flme, to him if he did, For Bitedeur «— Police Report. is thi dark veWicenrt sep red, goes-home to a bed ’ Monptrae shaking his head Has warned the strange man with the beard, Tf he does not go home to a bed. | But oh, beak ! of conviction Sunes, Lest ‘judges of learning and worth Stall. hold on appeal— None can lapis the air Awlong as he lives on the earth. = Se SCENES AF ST. PAUL’S, KNIGHTSBRIDGE From @ addressed by Mr. eee Churchwarden of St. Paul’s, idge, to a Brsnor oF it appears that | the performanees of which t some time ago L theatre | ' axe sti ciifen great cxteut ¢ Hon. ann , Ruy. oy Linen tpe.t, the incumbent; ser being ' practised, and use bemg made of im such a | manner as to impart a rvicgs It is due to the Bishop to say that he does express his den oval of many | of the papistical monkeyisms denounced by the fm warden ; but it ly: due to truth to add that he disapproves of them with evident . my The subjoined allusion to the cross on the communion table will exemplify the spirit of his lordship’ 8 reply to the memorial :— | “As this cross (which is not large and massive as you describe it, but «mall and , light) was on the table when the church was not seen by me, a large offertory dish being on part of it, I am not satisfied that I bave authority to direct its t it of the di t a formal it ae Nowe, be Cea7 Po should be such authoritative decree of the Consistorial Court. I certainly sind if the periabloners would agree to its sanction.” The Brsnor or Lownow is said to be a wag, and no doubt he reads his Puach—which is not the same thing with reading Joe Miller ; as is too generally the case in perusing jocular publications. Were the viene nem relate indeed fomiior with the class of witticisms “Old ene™ " is me wy’ that he wou!d have penned a above ne greta tieal cross—an apolog | which is identical with te elteted lea, “’Tis only a little one” | The same yo cover the fatrodactien of mimtive oy = wafers, and infinitesimal beads, to which if ‘ane be added a ae Semon and alittle auricular confession, we shall have a totality | which may be an a.cott af felts wget. = OC Criticism for the Author of Evil. | Tuover not pasneut of the grand Review in honour of the Duxz | lately took place in the Champ de Mars, we iew will join effectually with the United Service in cutting up Nicnotas. or Camparper that | js oie a te ae at AE a A ES i oS

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eae ss wake eos, 2 Oe te ee ee ee ee Moke HOT La “i ser nanat ets ets ns le r tye iso . | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Ff ange” AW, if NN i it it or vii vi ne 2 PAPER WONDERS. Trams is eran j Of Course, a solemn truth, solemnly received ; at 8 «be, r is a bit of news th:t will startle the millions. Nevert ardener’s Chronicle declares that “nettles anu. malléws..in lar”. make excellent. paper: .“ ‘Lhe common stinging- neue” mn slenid fibre, and in Germany has been made — t-class paper. t this etd hour the, world.is so prosperous, -to-do and.well dressed, that merce cries in vain forrags to | feed th e paper-mills. And here are millions and millions of teams of | the green material—the and and long-neglected nettle—idly growing, in our very ditches. Will not Mr. Gapstowe look Jiberally scientifically at this samen waste of greenness—this dreadfu sacrifice of vegetable The Gardener declares that the fine old English stingmg-nett "Theses a fibre “scarcely inferior to hemp.” Hear that, Nicwonas; and, tremble at the rod of nettles in store for | the chastisement of Russian trade'~ The like cheering authority also assures us that unceum) makes {first-rate Spanish (Spartium y paper: but this screntte net ve doubt not, long -been known to Spanish statesmen ; mds having been printed on broom paper, ~ ” ht be swept out of the Spanish memory as cleanly as possible Be as it may; let us as Britons rejoice in the possession of never-failing crops of British nettles, ready to be | comforting assurance. in this discovery, that at length does justi Jn the scorned, abused, neglected, “common stingimg-nettle.” At. growing in ditches; a wounding, irritating, wieked weed, stinging neg women, and children—it has still grown with a name unmixed badness. And now, this thing of ditches. shall be gathered,~ at steeped, and daintily manips, and come forth-to the — = in cs revealed self,-the whitest, pures P ey elt ne ! Beauty that would ie ell a touch of the saw-edged leaf af of t ° cout P | it a cruel, odious thing—may now lay her her hand upon t —(its soul of whiteness and innocence evolved from its yan y,)—and, tracing thereon gentlest ts for eager, may bless the eommon . stings: nettle. . no man, un 1 [| east. down and reviled, despair ;—{for even ne!tles—common stinging- nettles—are lnoking up. ° , When will Mr. Giapstore permit, Mr.. Disrarit.to address hir: -on a note ot “first-class :paper,” i. ¢. nettle-paper ? Cambridge at Vienna. Tue gifted Duke has received telecraphic orders to turn somewhat out of his way, to be present at the marziage of] the ase or Austria on the 25th. What a pity! “Here is'a. Creer Bers aa Se oom laurels; and our’ Premier- ‘hiertc- oki fa converted into first-class paper.” And there is a hopeful moral, a orange-b si A by Ay me ay md yh nm | hey i ye pb Pancras, and Frederick ¥ ullett Bvans, of No. 7, Church Rew, m, both im the County of Midétesen, Printers, estheir Street, im the Precinct of W hitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by them at No.3, Fleet Street cue Pauboree. Bride's , rm the City of Loudou.—Satcanar ,April 29, 1854.

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Se Sees er Se eres WY Ht ‘7

_—__ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 181 |

contribution to some hard-up Reverend. As | THE MARINER’S COMPASS. the Friend of the Clergy are going to have their | usual dinner in a few days, we trust the subject UR contemporary the Times | of clerical washing bills will be taken into cone has, rather unceremoniously, | sideration, and arrangements made to secure to | but to all appearances quite | every poor n a surplice, sufficiently clean logieally smashed the Ma-| to prevent the necessity for such dirty and shabby riner’s Compass, and pro-| appeals as we have alluded to nounced it an unsafe guide | —— for even the best ships, with | the most experien crews | SHAVING FOR LADIES. and the most able captains. | “ P | Crrram quacks are advertising “ Roseate we fe : Nao pm = a Powder,” described as “the most certain and aquatic antienity Cartage | (legant preparation for the removal ol super- Diccies, of the. iydown. | {u0Us on the arms, neck, and face, so dilly, who has . amed | 2 _ to beauty,” and “ Poudre Subtile,” the Admiral of th hitey- which “removes that great disfigurement to brown, from the colour of his} Beauty, superfluous hair on the face, neck, and Seuntenance :-«ill _jarms, in less than ten minutes, without pain or sd + ~ gad to the skin.” There are just two methods of removing hair; cutting and burning: and as powders cannot cut, those abovementioned must heen a ongeate by combustion or chemical corrosion, oaiee Bieta cusede or. bure’ hai, widho eyes, the use of a con be pons air, vat a pair of compasses” effect on the skin whence it Navigation of t peive; but if the thing eat Tazor would soon be p wonder whether the “Poudre Subtile” rm) ~~ nt ayn &@ compass with a coal barge bumping down on your | could be w ide, and a wherry fal of ‘ied: Riowang’ the ‘hat e off dls and no more sea-room than -enough to get your boat’s head in be- tween the shore and the shingles. The only compass I ever trust to, is compass f my voice, and if I don’t make other craft steer according as I calls out to ’em, it’s uo use. And there’s au end on it.”

THE LIVERPOOL CHURCH IN DANGER. Tue following paragraph shows the frightful effeet produced on the Church in Liverpool by = heen of the parishioners to contribute three farthings to the wants of the ustablishment :— “ Cnurca-Rate Revosep iw Liverroot.—<After a contest of unexampled duration, the parishioners of Liverpool have refused to vote a ehmrch-rate of three farthings in the pound. The poll closed yesterday (Tuesday) with the following results—the majority against the rate being 537 persons, and 412 votes. The chu ardens state that in quence of this decision, 2 clerks, 7 sextons, 2 organists, 10 singers, and 21 beliringers must at once be discharged from their connection with the parish churches, and that no sacramental Lread aud wine, and other expenses—scch as insurance, washing, cleaning, &c., can be allowed to four other churches. The result of the polling was received with loud cheers.”

We used to regard as rather an unmeaning song the old distich commencing “Towe you five farthings, Say the Bells of St. Martin's

but we now see a closer connection between farthings and church bells than we ever dreamed | of. When we find that the refusal of three farthings can knock off at one blow twenty-one | bellringers from a provincial town, we can easily understand the influence that a debt of | five farthings may have had on the bells of St. Martin’s. We presume the unfortunate bellringers will be without a-peal from the decision of the | parishioners, who seemed so satisfied with their own work, that i cheered the announcement | : whieh intimated the necessary discharge of a batch of clerks, organists, singers, and sextons,,; 4 Car THAT WoULD comprerery sPorL THY in addition to the twenty-one individuals who have hitherto been hangers-on to the parochial [APPEARANCE OF OUR PICKED MEN, HUMBLY bell-rones. We may, at all events, congratulate Liverpool on the comparative quiet it will! *vocestzp to HRW. FMP. A, woe oe henceforth enjoy, for the officials who are to be discharged are all, in some way or other, | ABOUT IT. connected with the production of noise, and are pro fanto disturbers of the public tranquillity. 4 _ Some of our readers will be a little shocked at the rather unseemly juxtaposition of certain items in the latter part of the paragraph quoted above, which furnishes a by no means | Ambiguous Tapers. uncommon instance of a tendency on the part of the Church authorities to mix up washing-bills | i and cleaning expenses with matters of a more sacred character. There is something rather | Tux Morning Post states that— disagreeable in the idea of being called upon to subscribe for a clean surplice for the| “11 HovomesrawPors has forwarded Queen Inapeiis clergyman, as a portion of our coutributions to religious purposes; and we would rather | * ™#guificent present of » box of candies, that a reverend pastor should follow the advice of Navotzon, and wash his dirty liven at} Tie meaning of this present may appear to be home, if he cannot make himself fit to be seen in the pulpit without sending round to | an encouragement to her most Catholic Majesty | beg for the means of paying his laundress. | to persevere in reading by the Porr’slight. We | The mendicant habits of the poorer clergy are indeed becoming so troublesome, that a/ trust that is the case. We hope Pros did not, | day scarcely passes without our receiving an envelope containing a card with a slit| by his gift of candles, intend to hint any necessity cut in it, for the convenient transfer of any coin from a sixpence to a sovercign, as a) for their conjunction with white sheets. VOL. XXVI. T

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— ete ee 2a hee Matias ine Seer all ms ae JUO® THINKS IT SAFER TO TAKE SHELTBR TLL THE SHOWER PASSES OVER. THE “ GENTLEMEN” OF THE BAR. Tue Bar must be a very honourable profession, because we are always hearing from the Members of the Bar themselves that the pro- | fession is not only a most honourable profession, but ‘Ae most honour- ible of professions. It is true that there is often a broad distinction between profession and praetice, which distinction accounts perhaps | for the fact, that while the Bar is the most honourable of professions it is not inconsistent with the most degrading practices. A barrister may ally himself with the lowest elass of touters for the purpose of extracting a base fee from a poeket that is filled with the pickings of the pockets of other people; a barrister may fraternise with sham attorneys and their pseu o-elerks, and representing himself before a facile Judge as “regularl somebody or other eat a fee; a barrister may do this, and more than this, and mag yeé remain a Member of the very “honourable profession,” We shall be told that the practices to which we allude are peculiar to the scum and the dregs of the Bar, but that we shall never find men, holding a recognised rank in the profession, descending to any practices unworthy of a “barrister or a gentleman.” re As the Bar declares itself the arbiter of what is becoming to its own dignity, we must leave the Bar to decide on that part of the question ; but we must take leave te determine according to our own view how far certain dogs at the Bar may be conformable to the conduct of a gentleman. It may be professional, but it is scarcely gentlemanly to impute fraud to witnesses, though we are aware that there is plenty of precedent, among even the leaders of the Bar, for implied and direct accusations of a still graver character. It seems to be perfectly “ professional,” when defending a murderer, to suggest that the murder may have been committed by one of the witnesses—a course that was adopted a very short time ago by an eminent Old Bailey barrister. on circuit—a worthy follower in the school of the advocate of Courvotsrer. It has been urged that it is unfair to judge of the Bar as a profession by that portion wheh selects Ne wgate as the field for its exertions, but we regret to find that Westminster Hall furnishes instances in which some of the most respectable names at the Bar may be found in connection with practices such as a Barrister may not be ashamed to avow, but which a gentleman would, we think, repudiate. The following extract from a law report in the 7imes affords a by no means | singular specimen of forensic taste in the Superior Courts and among the higher grades of the profession :— “In this cross-examination of the plaintiff by Ma. Senseanwr Byies, he was asked whether he had not suggested to the defendant that there should be a robbery at the PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. instructed,” may be allowed to swindle | Great Globe, as many shillings would come in from persons coming to see the place | where the robbery was | “Ma. Wr! the associate | should be pat. | “ Phe learned J ld Ma. Wry op he should only give the denial. | “ The plaintiff said it was 2 most offensive question, “The Jupox. That may “Upon the question being repeated, ‘ and said he thought it a most improper question it was one totally irrelevant to the inquiry. As he understood the case, it w whether the defendant had deeeived the and the public, or whether wu plaintiff and defendant had combined together te deceive the pubiic. “ Ma. Senseast Bytes said he must do hiedaty. “The Juror. Yes; but draw it a little mild—a littlemila” | Here we find Mr. Sarseant Briss asking a witmess whether he had }not proposed to obtain money from the le upon a false and Sliclons pretence—a question whieh cli am indignant denial. The learned Judge, feelmg no done eleeneae = perfectly professional, put ne check on the to; of the tater, but :ebuked the witness for his indignation, a told him “he should only give the jdenial.” The question was admitted by the Judge te be “ offensive,” but the “ Rule of Court” seems to be, that bammsters are privileged offenders, and that witnesses must be made the eljeets of such offences as barristers may choose to eommit—these beimg no rebuke to the wrong-doer from the Judge, whe4s ready with a reprimand instead of protection for the wronged party. , lenied t is, and added that no one who had not been f thieves and convicts would have suggested that such a question » most indignantly ige t be, The foreman of the j ury rose, 1s ' OH! PANTALOONS OF CHERRY. Dedicated without permission to the Banu, ov Cannigax. On, pantaloons of cherry! Oh, redder than raspberry! For men to fight in things.so tight It must be trying—very. ’Gainst wear, tho fine the weather, They would not hold together, On saddle-back theyd fly and } Though seated with black leather, Oh, weleome declaration ! That timely reformation The soldiers brave from galls will save Without that decoration. In overal!s more spacious, If erimson, sti!) capacious, The bold Hussar wil! rush to war. Loagp Carp:cGan is gracious! tleventh !—gallant fellows— In cherries, blues, and yellows More amply made, with sharpened biad>, Go where Buiiowa bellows. And though with colours glaring, Your uniform be flaring, You ’ll be no less than by your dress Conspicuous for your daring. MR. URQUHART’S MARE’S NEST. I an address to the inhabitants of Manchester, according to the Times, Mx. Davip Unquuart said— “ The nation is plunging into a war. In ignorance it believes. it to be made against Russia. | know that it is made in concurrence with Russia, and this knowledge it is which urges me to make you this prepesal. It is wrth Turkey, and ultimately with Frauce that you will fight, unless your hand be stayed.” There is or was a “Clergyman of Cambridge University,” who having cured himself of a nervous or mental eomplaint, offered, “from benevolence rather than gain,” to cure others. We will not say that Ma. Urquaat would be a proper subject for the benevolence of this Cambridge Clergyman ; but the reverend gentleman’s charity might be usefully bestowed on the meeting which Ma. Unqumart succeeded in convening at the Corn Exchange, to hear him expatiate on the above propositions. There may perhaps, be some little hope of them, In the mean time, how true it appears to be that one individual like Ma. Usquakt makes mang. —== Manners for the Million. Never give anybody the lie, however gross may be the falsehood he ‘utters. To him who says the thing which is not, it will be a sufficient |rebuke to answer, “That’s a Nicroras.”

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Lion ad PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 183 | A WAR CATECHISM. and most likely it requires a very liquorish tooth to approve of the porter. The introduction is no doubt most important to the troops soing to the Kast: and its consequences indeed may prove extremely (To be answered by those whom it may concern.) serious. “W no is it can’t finally make up his mind, In sending our cavalry over the water, If it ’s safer to trust them to steam or to wind?” (A reply will oblige—from the proper quarter). “Who can’t fix, if for troopers to sail all the way, Or to march across France be the easier and shorter ? Who to-morrow finds out he was all wrong to-day ?” (A reply will oblige—from the proper quarter). “ Who keeps soldiers and generals dangting behind, W tile the Russians are marching, our allies to slanghter, To remonstrances deaf, and to reasonimg blind ?” (A reply will obli the proper quarter). “Who sends Commissariat officers oat— _ Less active by half, than Sim Joun Bureorne’sdaaghter— Knowing nothmg of all they should know most about ?”’ t} (A reply will oblige—from the proper quarter). “Who leaves sick without physic, and well without grub ? What’s become of that much bepuffed shipload of porter Who allows each and all, on hap-hazard, to rub?” A reply will oblige—from the proper quarter 0 th ‘Who keeps transports waiting for freight, till on each ey Lhe demurrage runs upto a sum would have bought her ? Who shoots out, like raw lobsters, our troops‘on the beach ?” (A reply vill oblige—from the proper quarter). “ Who loads soldiers’ backs till they ’re ready to faint ; Sticks their necks in a stock that is positive tortur’ ; ” Makes ’em shave what is useful, and polish what ain’t ?’ (A reply will oblige—from the proper quarter). “ Why must not common sense teach that old fool, Routine, And oust her, if still she won’t practise what’s taught her ? Is the soldier a man, or a drilling-machine ?”’ (A reply will oblige—from the proper quarter). MILITARY MESS-BEER. we “Canyon Brewery” has for some time existed; but brewing is now practised in a corps not con- nected with the Ordnance. The fol- lowing paragraph, from the (/xited Service (Fazette, records that advance in military economy -— “Concentrate Beer ror THe Aamr.— The infantry Brigade of Guards are to try the experiment of brewing their owa beer in their barracks. The process is most sim- le and requires only 4 certain quantity of Pot water to render the concentrated beer palatable drink. Ten non-commissioned officers are told off to try its effects. They are allowed to drink as much as they please, but restricted from taking any other beer, or spirits. The porter is approved of, but the ale is nota favourite. This introduction is Most important to the troops now proceeding to the Bast.” Fiat experimentum in corpore vilt, says the proverb; which by the above account seems, with regard to the “Concentrated Beer,” to have been translated, “Try the experiment on a Corporal: ” unless the ten non-commissioned officers told off to test the “effects” of the liquor inchide sergeants. Certainly the Infantry Brigade of Guards cannot be regarded as a corpus vile, or vile corps, but on the eee. must be acknowledged to be a “crack” regiment. We cannot heip questioning the palatable character said to be imparted to the concen- trated beer by hot water. Hot water at an early stage of a is er- | requisite to constitute a mash ; but if added to malt liquor after | mentation seems unlikely to make anything but a null. he “ effects” | produced on the subjects of the experiment, would, we should fear, be | of an antimonial nature; aad what confirms us in this apprehension, is | the statement that those individuals are allowed to drink as much of the beverage as they please. To be at the same time restricted from taking any other beer may be a necessary, but is a hard, condition ; for we apprehend that any other beer wo trated after dilution. be preferable to the concen- t is not wonderful that the ale is not a favourite ; have been 1s THE Civic FAST. Taere is but one Lory Mayor in the United Kingdom who could of issuing each a summons as that wherco! is a true copy :— 1c 8 “ Sm, “ Your Worslttp is desired to be atthe Mansion-House on [Wednesday nv.‘ 1¢ 26th day of Apri/, 1854, at Two of the clock in the Afternoon precinely, ro tnescrasT, in @ Bixelt Suit ani your Searles Gown,—afterwards to proesed from thence to St, Paul's Cathedral, on foot; being the day appointed by Her Majesty for « General Passe and Humiliation. “¢. W. Hick, Swordbearer. “NB. The Lord Mayor will leave the Mansion-HMouse at a Quarter before Three clock, aad Divine Serviee will commence at a Quarter-past Three o clock precisely. “ Sweordbearer's Office, Mansion-1 ouse, “ Priday, 2ist April, 1864.” The ing eompeaiiion. but for the Cathedral therein specifie:! veing St. Paul’s instead of St. Patrick’s, would of course be ascribed sy everybody to the Lory Maron or Dosum. fis worship is ‘equested te come te-the Mansion House on the Past to break his ‘ast, and then to walk te-chureh. Moreover, it beung the day of Humiliation, he is directed to put on a Scarlet Scarlet Gown and Lobster Salad are perhaps the Mansion Housc equivalents to Sackeloth and Ashes. How jolly it would be to fast, that is, to break-fast at the Mansion House every day! How fat a man would get in a Lent of fasting there ! Only it is to be feared that gout would be the result of such abstinence ; or that the loss of blood and the use of cooling medicine would be necessary thereafter. His Worship may be s to-have really fasted al! the morning of the 26th, and not to have broken his fast until] 2p.4. But that is a charitable supposition. The probability we would bet upon is, that he ate a hearty breakfast of eggs and ham, or bloater and buttered toast, with tea or coffee at ten or eleven, and broke his fast, of three or four hours’ duration, a second time at the Mansion House. for the municipal refection it will be seen that three quarters of an hour were allowed; a time sufficient to enable an Alderman to put a great deal of pigeon-pie, and various other things, out of sight. However, there seems much sense in the view propounded by one of the clergymen who preached on the day in question—to the effect that fasting, in the present era, should be a spiritmal instead of a bodily mortification ; and therefore we do not blame the Lonp Mayon and Aldermen for satisfying their appetites, even if they appeased their hunger with cold capon, and their thirst with champagne. It must be recollected that they had to walk all the way from the Mansion House to St. Paul’s, having less than half an hour to do the distance in; so that if they had not broken their fast at the lormer edifice exhaustion must have occasioned them to break down on their journey to the latter. Indeed they may reply to the charge of fast breaking, that a walk of that length, within that time, is quite fast enough for any alderman. Important to Wounded Seamen. TiouGH success may attend some of our naval operations, the results of others will certainly be unfortunate, unless our fleets are well sup plied with surgeons, which they are not likely to be until medical officers in the navy are plaecd on something like the footing of other officers and gentlemen. ADVICE POR MARTLNETS. Mitrrary authorities should consider whether it would n advisable to abate a little of their solicitude for the tidiness of a regi- ment, and pay somewhat more attention to its mess. ot be THE PRUIT OF CLOTHING COLONELS. A sLanG name for certain cavalry regiments is, we beliéve, “The Light Bobs.” Perhaps Loap Cagptcay’s Hussars may be termed “The Bob Cherries.”

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i84 i S ‘ a a = if Ses 4 h. j “sz Ge a ti Tal Tit ee 2 me ble, . i i ppp arn A. Yy/f ae ¥ Z PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MPO > * FOR THE SOLDIERS’ CHILDREN. WAR | Hoty ON HH pe hy ER || SERN u 11) SCHLDA ED of LAWYERS IN AUSTRALIA. | _ We have read some ead accounts of the glut of lawyers | in Australia, and we are told of a barrister who has been obliged to tarn porter, in which eapacity he has had several | heavy cases entrusted to him. We sappoee the bar still | stick up for professional ctlane aud when a load is too heavy for one, the leader no doubt insists on its being | endorsed regularly by being hoisted-on to his back with the professional intimation, “ With you:.Mz. So anp So,” who is “instructed” to lend.a hand with the burden. Many learned gentlemen, who have. accustomed only to con- sider the weight of evidenee, are obliged to make them- selves acquainted with the weight of furniture, or anything else they may be employed to eonduct through the courts and alleys of Australia. The only really satisf part of the ———— must be the “ refresher,” which m the shape c' eft is no doubt very acceptable to those who are compelled to make Porter’s works—in preference to Coxe’s—their constant “ye ‘Lhe wig must be rather an‘ indifferent substitute for the. knot, but it is certainly a more profitable employ- ment of the forensic horsehair thaw devoting it-to knotty points of Jaw, which do not appear to be much in favour with the Australian community, . A CONJUROR’S DIAMONDS. Tue Wizard of the North pays avery flattering com- pliment to the intellectual perceptions of the eitizens of Glasgow. He invites them to see his conjuring, for this convincing reason : he has “ appeared before every monarch of Europe,’ and been duly jewelled by the same, But what of that ?— “The Citizens go out of respect. which is more valuable to the WIZARD than the MONARCHS’ DIAMONDS WHICH HE WEAKs.” Such being the case there can be no doubt that if the Citizens of Glasgow will pay the conjuror their personal respects, the conjuror will return for the same all his dia- monds; and thus, respect being “more valuable,” he will | still be a considerable gainer by the exchange ! ENGLAND’S WAR VIGIL. Isy solemn 'castom in the olden time, The squire deeméd worthy to be dubbed a knight Kept vigil aah 9 evensong to prime, . ‘ithin the ehurch—all in his armour dight. And standing reverent, or kneeling low, For past misd did Heaven’s forgiveness pray, And guidance ask that he might bearabim so As true knight ought—in and word alway. And, when the shadows of the night had waned, And while the matin mass the priests intone, Ile on the altar laid his sword unstained, As dedieate thenceforth to Gop alone. So kneels our England eer she goeth out A knight—to battle im a godly cause, [Lumbling herself—but not as one in douht, If Gop will bless the weapon that she draws. Biba layeth down the baadom ot hes 901 nowing it grea Orgiven ; And, for the strife that she miust iow begin, Looks up for stréngth where true strength is—to Heaven. And Heaven will hear her prayer and aid her hand, For it is lifted to defend the weak, To put down force and falsehood from command, And Heaver’s own vengeancerfor ill deeds to wreak. Then stand by, selfish scoffer, with thy sneer Of “ Cross and Crescent ”—creeds to deeds belong. The Holy Symbol we then most revere When we deny its power t@ sanction wrong ! MOUSTACHES IN THE BANK. Somenow or other, there is in the Gentile world an antagonism be- | tween moustaches and mone ; oddly enough £ s.d. will have nothing to | do with the least assertion of “tip.’”. The young men of our generation have been exhorted to lay down their razors and to take up with moustaches: many unsophisticated enthusiasts have answered to the | appeal with somewhat of the vigour of a Samsox, putting, as it may | be, the hairiest or. downiest countenance upon the movement. On this, | the tyranny of bare-faeed Mammon asserts itself in MammMon’s very | highest place—yea, in its golden pulpit. Gallant young clerks of the | Bank of Mngland were inning to grow good promissory notes o! moustaches, when Mammon, looking upon these hirsute shootings, cried | — Shave, young men: shave, or resign.” This is a hard, tyrannous fact. The vena of England, entrusted with the treasures of the Bank, were by a certain day to present clean faces or each: la fairly-written resignation. They did : that is, they one and all | exhibited their resignation, by sacrificing the objectionable hair. And this is called a free country; m which a man is not allowed to keep his moustaches and his place! Tt is whispered that the shorn young gentlemen have drawn u +) ng > to Parliament in the matter; « petition to be presented br ix. Muntz and supported by Cotone. SLBTHORP. Give a Czar a Bad Name. | _“The Eupznor Nicworas is the possessor offhouse property in this city.”—Limeri: Chronicle. ! What’? In addition to all else that can be charged against him, Nicuo.as is proved to be an absentee Irish Landlord! Then somebody is as black as he is painted. Te(a) Benedico. Ir appears that we hare, duripg the last quarter, derived an enormous and unexpeeted revenue from tea.. It is hoped that the money thus obtained will go some way towards the expense of the war, and that Jorst Name ror Smokers anp Dnuinxenrs.—To-Bacchanalians. | hy the aid of our Hyson we may defray some of the cost ot our ( Pronounce it, ToBACCO-NALIANS), Gunpowder.

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ian) — S ee > on < -_ _ Sf loan) Zz. = = cs Zz: x)

[Puscu, No. 669.

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. wep PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 187 | THE RUSSIAN GUY FAWKES, | Am—* Popular.” ERUDITION UNDER BONNETS. ATER Puwen, — My attention has been | I srw¢ a Northern Autocrat, old Nicx the prince of Sinisters, attracted by some ad-| Who made away with Turkey once, the Sultan and his Ministers : vertisements, in the That is, he would have made away with them, but was prevented, Times, of certain Col-| Por Franee and England stopped the way, Nick was circum vented leges for Ladies—ad-| Chorus—Bow, wow, wow ! y= instit oe The Russian Bear is going to the dogs | row. no doubt, wf properly : condueted, ‘The list A flimsy quarrel to hash up he soon was at no loss you see, of studies put forth And beg out of temper said, “ Pm fighting for the Cross you sec .” as the curriculum pur- Most piously upom his sword he then invoked a blessi sued at ove of these And vowed that with its naked edge he’d give the ‘ seats of learning Bow, wow, wow, &a, comprises s© many . : ‘ aa . ” With coolness quite deapisi il : branches 10W- ; y an, ising all formalities, ie mibat , * ~~. He sent his army to the neutral Principaliies : sters and Mistresses Fy ny oy Bae he besieged Coustantinople, of Arts who may st he has not mw yet, never, we may hope, will, graduate therein will Bow, wow, wow, £e, be c wuaiderably ~ By sea bis arms with vigtery not long were unrewarded ; jah Malches tor the Sinope’s famous trammph stands in history recorded ; Bachelors & Masters And yet opinions differ—-wo two men think the sane now, who have obtained Yor what he calls a victory we've quite auether nau vow, corresponding ho Bow, wom, wow, Se nours at the univer- —— sities. Hence some Another drubbing soon he gawe the Turks at Oltenitua, , 3 " _ a fficulty may he ex- And made them rup with holy gun, and holier howitger ; perienced by them in finding gentlemen sufficiently learned to be “Dwag so at last dis version ran—to horse-marines aud Prussians, suitable husbands for them. That, however, will perhaps be got over But aecopding to the Turkish tale the rush was by the Kussians. if their erudition include a knowledge of common things. They are Bow, wow, wow, &e, instructed, I perceive, in Algebra, Geometry, and Arithmetic ; in Biblical : Literature ; in Botany, in Dancing and Exercises ; in Drawmg, both of At Cronstadt too great stones he sank, with powder each wel! loaded, the figure and landseape, with Perspective ; in Elocution ; in English And thus blew up the British fleet, and all our hopes exploded : Grammar, Composition, Language, and Literature: in Freneh; Geo-| That is, he means to blow them up—the $ clearly show it, graphy; German ; in Harmony and Composition ; History, ancient and But now the trick itself is blown we thi "hardly do it. modern ; Italian; Latin, and Natural Philosophy ; Pianoforte ; Singing ; Bow, wow, wow, &c, and Spanish. -= a : - All this is very well. Nay, Greek might have been included in the a pledged, —! ag Vs peda heed gy "a course, and there is no objection that I see to the addition of Hebrew.| ty iont at least he athe heme 4 J db : . th —_ But are the Mathematics which the young ladies—very properly—learn DHE » BA, Us have proved, but in truth there’s no simple or mixed? ‘The latter, Lhope. I trust that the Algebra wil The attitude £. has preserved towards us bas been lying be taught with a view to praetical application in calculating the results| ~" Bow — n__. vag. of shopping; and that the Geometry will be subservient im some | 4 ’ saad way to the cutting out of frocks. [| also trust that the Botany will| They say his fleet outnumbers ours, but it must not be forgotten have a certain reference to dealing with the greengrocers ; the Drawing ‘That recent travellers have found out one half his ships are rotten to the preparation of Poultry for the table ; the Elocution to — If his forces are his weaknesses he can’t be very strong now, out instead of coquetting ; the Composition to the admixture of ingre- So we hope to make short work of him; it will not take us long now dients component of pudding; and the Natural Philosophy to do- Bow, wow, wow ! ' a mestic economy at large. Lastly, may the acquisition of Spanish be} Tho Russian Besr is going to the dogs J trow. attended by the formation of just notions of the value of something which was synonymous with that language until the experience of a Spanish bondholders had shown that Spanish does not signify money. MAGNA EST NUDITAS. | Otherwise, I should not wish my nieces to go to College. | Taz Foreign Correspondence of the Morning Chronicle enjoys | @ dressiny. ? Fogey Place Apri, 1854. * AVUNCULUS. deserved celebrity ; but the last inetanee of devotion on the part of . . one of the gentlemen at the seat of war, surpasses, we think, any of “PS. I alluded to puddings. Ladies’ Colleges have Donnas, 1 its predecessors. The special correspondent at Volo (which it may be | suppose, as those of Oxford and Cambridge have Dons. Could not convenient to country subscribers to say is in Thessaly) concludes a | the Donnas of Northumberland College nt a Ladies’ College jong and graphic description of the storming of that place by brigands, thas— Pudding ? ” “ The whole af my apparel is in the flames, or in the hands of the robbers.” 'ANTED, A FEW SMART, HANDSOME YOUNG GENTLEMEN |, The teal of a writer who could only find time at the conclusion of a | \W to denen ah Rivanton EEE on tof the great drain of Offieers that the “mgthened despatch to discover that be was ina state of nature, and | = War has carried off to the East, They mugheonverse freely about the Weather, the WbO ion mes y alludes to a this eehend style, as a trifle, interest- Opera, and all fashionable t , and be ageustomed to good society. They must be j to hi friends but har worth dwelling on. is worthy of all well practised in the Polka, Weitz, (single, as well as a Deux Temps), Sehottische, and Ae 7 “ . sa,» : dis | not be above dancing in a Quadriile, if needed. They must be single, and net exceed ° - — — | the age of Forty. They must not refuse to dance with an elderly lady occasionally, if —" — | the size of her property is such as to warrant the presumption. The termes offered, in-| - cluding a Champagne supper,are of the most liberal description, and may be ascertained A Word to the Economists. at Guster’s, St. James's Square, or of the Secretary of the “ Diwtazeszp Youna : . . . . , Lapizs’ Evecant Partrsens’ Association,” at Hanover Square Rooms. Young Our ultra economusts, with a rofuseness of words which hardly Gentlemen presenting themselves must bring with them a whire neckeloth, as 4 seems to tally with their character for sparing, are continually complain- | specimen. Not the slightest objection, at present, to Officers in the Militia, but no ; z of the Government expenditure, and alleging that there ’s scarcely tradesman, unless extremely rich, and highly respectable in the wholesale line, need,” +h of the servi but hat ] : Nor to adapt | ete omer seltiaion, this may be the fact, ti ~ 4 not 7 but in C Rher avo bi S » Vl é p act, 0 bay nov. ? eithe case we must be permitted to observe that, for the honour of the Nation, WASTED, ALSO, A FEW AGREEABLE, RATTLING, CLEVER we never wish to see the Vessel of the Staie a Screw. YOUNG FELLOWS, who can sing, conjure, and play tricks. A Vacancy for a aS eee gai . as Noblemar who can fry Umeiettes in his hat, in a gentee! Establishment, where | ot suppers are given, and « servant in livery is kept. Terms, imcluding kid gloves) : : s Gew _— , ' (new, not dual well worth the attention of younger sous, who have very little, or ww ms pOR 4 sag J —-— : ae ~~ - BOLAS nothing, on their hands. Enquire as above.—N.B. A Good Light Dinner Irishman is Wanted of Turkey was a trifling Note. Instead of that he has got a in large request. | serious Check.

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188 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL | } TREMENDOUS SACRIFICES AT ST. PETERSBURG. GOG AND MAGOG TO LORD RUSSELL. P ‘. A mn , “My Lorp N = he 1 LF ‘ if SC ’ . os .% Ti. cane 20 aie Ds “As we, Goo and Macos, the guardian spirits may to in the following para- fin vood) . poet gel London, have ever a ogee so G graph 0 e meg? ‘0 the most periec armony, we are somewhat agi thre nll NE . in our ligneous breasts by an accident that threatens to all become, in fact, a civic institation. teac ; pi it oar scoounts from Bt. “For many generations we have been accustomed to gen 2 of the Rossians have made Lave four Members to represent us in Parliament ; namely, Gal 3 great pecuniary sacrifices. The 7 we - always ouiens, two - Goo, and two for ley well known Count Awatoce Macoc. But what has been our condition for some time euouneaaipaaae thease past? We have but three between us; Baron Rorns- a them at the disposal of the CHILD taking his seat outside upon the steps, with little “= a state for the duration of the chance, as it appears to us, of being permitted to reés. i y sacri anon Seinauts himself inside. * r i tar ily contributed 300, 00 silver “ In this dilemma, and as we cannot divide three members -~ : roubles. A Kussian financier —having one-and-a-half apiece—we wish to know how we may be au exception to the are to decide the matter? We have more than once § general rule, but moneyed men thought of tossing for the odd man, but hardly like to he patriotic feeling so strongly make an M.P. a matter of heads-and-tails, thi developed as to part with a “ Will you, dear Lorp Joun, give us your advicé upon rur pve tra £55,000 or the matter. We do not wish to be hard upon our shut-ont me aree ae member, the Baron; therefore if, so long as he is excluded fon , Of course a Russian fromthe House of Commons, he will come and sit of nights ths 1 omg a an pa with us, he shall be duly welcomed by his bewildered do tion to the general rule. constituents “Gog 0G.” i La Financiers of most other , Gos awp Macos. S s countries engaged in war- : — es fare, limit their patriotic Vi contributions to paying , | INDE I 79 * their war-taxes—with or without grumbling, as the case may be. For the VALOUR UNDER DIFFICULTIES. _ Sovereigns of other nations, for the most part, carry on their wars by means of Mancu, march, pipeclayed and belted in, tr national taxation; and if our double income-tax is a partial impost, still the con- ‘Vhat is to say you must march in good order; fiseation is Parliamentary and Constitutional. But Nicuoxas is a “ gentleman” | March, march, broiling sum melted in, eee ” who seizes upon material guarantees. That gentleman would assuredly have over- Stocks all so tight that on choking you border: or drawn his account with Baron Stieciitz by a sum considerably exceeding 300,000 ~~ Martinet’s anger dread 7 i ] ’ P . - “= 4 « = i - be ad bp > , ‘ ‘ roubles, if the Court Banker had not volunteered that amount as a material If you can turn your head 5 guarantee for honouring a larger — ¥ on demand. If Mr. Punch were a Russian | Martinet, stubborn as any old Tory ; a © ia | subject—supposing the possibility of Punch’s existence in Russia—His Maijesty, Shave, and make ready, then. th , | doubtless, would exact a material guarantee from Mr. Punch, unless Mr. Punch | Half-strangled Englis | Rees lig » prevented him. He would lay hands on, and approximate the till of Mr. Punch | March on. as well pone » able. to clory ! ; and his strong box, and the whole of his extensive stock forming the present | . eee oe ee | ane g box, and g i , ; | publication, together with his few back numbers, and all his other stocks and} he - | shares, and estate—real and personal—and his stick, and all his sticks; and his | ; : | cattle, and his dog Zody, as material guarantees of Mr. Punch’s good behaviour. | a ; ‘The only method by which A/r. Punch could prevent the Imperial Gentleman from | tu id thus making a material guarantee of bis whole property, would be that of | be el | surrendering the greater portion of it. He would willingly resign £60,000 to| m © | his Emperor, if he possessed £60,001, and think himself lucky that his sovereign | fc a ) master peat’ him to have one other sovereign in the world. 2 - | _ Inreference to the tremendous sacrifice above mentioned, it may be observed | that the “God of the Russians” begins to require offerings, as his worshippers q ' | are discovering to their cost. It must be so, if they will worship such a god: the} ' : ‘ Russians will be obliged to sacrifice money as well as children, to Motocu. ial > ‘ SSS ——— [= } | & fi | . THE COINAGE OF THE BRAIN. ial 3 " i< Durine the Easter recess there has been some difficulty in filling the news- | ¢ aes | papers; but happily the paragraph-mongers came to the rescue with their usual | 3 ti alacrity. The most original idea which we have met with, and which stands | | i 4 ' out in grand contrast to the early gooseberries, and other common places of the | | 3 kitchen garden, is the discovery in a ditch of some hundreds of coins, with { 341 ounces of silver, and several hundred battleaxes, all marked with Roman) } ‘ a characters. This has been a most fortunate find for the penny-a-liners, though we | . 4 have not heard of anyone else having derived any profit from the digging up of so} } a much wealth, which will no doubt disappear as soon as the necessity for furnishing 1 1 “ copy ” is terminated by the recommencement of the debates in Parliament. } ] it | The whole of the articles enumerated are said to have been found in an urn, | a which was, it is to be presumed, the depository of some Roman miser’s earnings. | How they came to be so long overlooked, and how it is that those who made the} ditch never noticed its contents, nobody attempts to explain, nor is it worth while to inquire. It is enough for us to feel that we are always protected against the possible barrenness of our newspapers by those timely treasures which are lying ccuvensentiy ready to be brought to light, whenever a supply of paragraphs may Je required. {_——— A Srrance Animal sgew ms Oxronp Srnerr Last WEDNESDAY. Query. Was it a Militiaman? aad is H.R. FM. P. A. experimentalising upon the gallant “ fellow?”

Indecision. . ; A capttaL portrait has been published abroad of the We understand from most “exclusive sources” (which we believe, nevertheless,| King of Prussia. He is represented standing between F are open to everybody) that a special deputation from the Peace Society has been|a bottle of Champagre and a big sword, uncertain as to a lately waiting on the keepers of the Zoological Gardens, for the purpose of requesting | which of the two he should draw. It is called “Mepitation an immediate discontinuance of the zoo-phytes. }ON THE Eastern Question.” Peace Deputation Extraordinary. | ,

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L. spirits ogether zitated tens to med to iamely, wo for 1¢ time RoTHs. 1 little O T@s, -mbers ow we | Once ike to ut-out tluded nights dered a” POODLE MEPHISTOPHELES AT THE PRINCESS'S. No man, like a Frenchman, can trim a poodle. This, we believe, may be conceded as a national merit. No man, like a Frenchman, can so quickly teach a poodle so many tricks ; to fetch and carry; stand on three legs ; pick letters from a bisewit alphabet ; and, in a word, do all the things that make the cleverest of dogs. The skill of posters teaching cannot be denied to the patience and intellizence of French genius ; and, assuredly, Mons, Carat has marvellously vindicated the Gallic ability by so trimming and ing Gorrur’s Poodle, alias Mephistopheles, that his originator would never know him again. “Seest thou the black deg”—~—says Faust to Wagner— ranging through the corn and stubble ? Faust. Mark him well! For what do you take the brute? Wagner. Por a poodle who, in his way, is puzzling out the track of his master. Faust, Dost thou mark how, in wide spiral curves, be quests round and ever near us? and, if I err not, a line of fire follows upon his tr Wagner. 1 see nothing but a black poodle. Such was the conviction of Mons. Mrewe, Carré ; and so, in 185], he goes to work, and trims and shapes Gortue’s poem of 7 zust into a thing for the French stage: and the thing—poodle-like—having had itg run upon all-fours im Paris, may new be seenunder the very moral ma ment of Mr. Cnanngs Keax, in Oxford Street. A mere poodle ; —_, for a poodle—one of the dullest dogs that ever defeated a teacher. that the poodle should have been trimmed by a Frenchman was, doubtless, its excelling recommendation to a manager who pr his plays, even as his gloves, to be of Parismake. They can be so stitehed to fit, and be held so easily in hand! For what eould the startled, confounded manager have done with the Mephistopheles of Gortue ? He would have shaken at its power ; haply, have transgressed under it, like a le itself scared and fright- ened | by Jove’s thunder and lightning. Now, poodle Mephistopheles, ag trained and taught by Mows. Camaé, was an auimal not beyond the powers of the master of the Primeess’s revels--a puppy-dog to he led m a string, or carried under the arm, even as puppy-dogs are tethered or borne by flunkeys. “Driven behind the stove ”"—{raves Faust of the geal poodle, Gorrar’s poodle)— “ it is swelling like an elephant; it fills the whole space; it is about to vanish into mist. Rise not to the eeiling! Down at thy master's feet! Thou seest I do not threaten in vain; I will seoreh thee with fige. Wait not for the thrice-glowing light. Wait not for the strongest of my spells.” Now here are thunderbolt words, and scathing conjurations, that a common manager, a merely rely cme rovider for a simple public, can hardly be expected to “— andl li through. And these things are of GorTue’s poodle : orem man teaches the dog to answer to a very diffesent —e order: henee, when the poodle er Mephi- topheles of the Prineess’s, enters upon his two legs, he runs my, wil ~ talost more of the devil in than may be expected of the footmen, with just enough of to be stupid upon aby subject, and | on the shortest notice, Newer was poodle cut so p—shorn 80 | GorTHe’s in black by the irreverent Frenchinan. by the scissors, and still shows nipped 80 malpceated ae Newer- critie in favovr of M. Cagrk’s dog, as hauds, or mpon the arms of Mz. Cuantes Kean, close tha’ the very skin das ne the unsightly wounds—neyer was poor poodle theless, an eas it appears in t. | saying in justification of the clipping and exposure of the poodle, as shown at Prinegss’s— “ One person, if he had new been living, would have decided on the wisdom of the manager, who having a gue Easter piece in view, selected the low-art fabrica- | Even as Gor THE might tion of M. Micue. Cangk ingreference to tae peigh-ert creation of the German poet. The person we mean is—Gourne bimagif.” Just as it might be said)“ame person, when Mr. Cuantes Keay shall enter into Elysium,ayill at'least step forward and ensbrace him for his acting of Suaxsrgme, withevery coneeivable and inconceivable scenic effect, and the m We mean is—Spaxsrere himself!” ‘@nd thank Micwe: Carat for his “low- art fabrication” (his low entting of the jacket of the poodle), so will Suaxsrere embrace Mk, Cranies Keax for /vs fabrication with very low cuttings of Orsper’s Richard the Third. Wonderful must be the sources of gratitude in the Fields of the Blest ! The Faust and Marguerite—at the Princess’s—shows Mx. Cnanres KEAN to be a born spectacle-~maker. As Wytsam Pitt was said to be a “heaven-descended minister,” so 7 a liberal stretch of eompli- ment, CHARLES Kean—as dev wonder—mpy be con- sidered a heaven-descended showman. "Or if any of our readers should think the terms too strong, they have ouly to reverse them, ehoosing upward epithets from the opposite. Wonderful is the process by which all the poetry, all the grandeur, - yo d from C—_ ee - and — ties of the aster being supplied the pu the-machmist and the colours the scene-painter ! ke of life and beauty has been extrac’ ed, and a caput on tee is, ‘Guanes Kezan’s Mephistopheles— remains. And yet Mr. Kean never acted so naturally imall his life. He was PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. — + juite down to the part ; four ie He, no doubt, felt the triumph ot common-place, me his element. We have been accustomed to associate with i a devilish an rh a laughing spirit in the eye, burning like barning-oites, no in with his poodle-trimmer in_ his ong than his perceptions of the nostic trotting upon | and | was more eonsonant | the waiter at the Dog Tavern; nothing more scorching in his looks thas might flash from brass buttons, Thete was , but no urning. ; Some of the scenic effeets are very y of th Princess’s as a gallery of illustration. (thanks to Marguerite’ herself !)—was ie re C ere —s that the ol the condition an meanow ling of babies was v The musical con under the stage We never saw a better is perlags : Ht s the true demoniacal curve. view of the Deyil’s Bridge. , CONSCIENCE MONEY. the family having been, before the parish priest of the distriet lately ems the purchase of a bell for “The House os Bepvorp is of Conquest, seigneurs of Rogel, near a wrote to the Dugsz oF the parish con ‘is Le 9 ‘iid. poe He generously - ht eohpek out of his own pocket presented it to grateful eoré. It we 1,200 Ib Newspaper Paragraph on ite Kownd. - Hier the shousmnde of peundy al Chega gold it did sack, Th eee Hovaz or Beprog,, to settle, To the ves roushy bach Twelve Soaedeeie good pown bell-metal.” SESS SS === = THE RUSSIAN SMITHY. To call the Russian Government a Cabinct is a misnomer. The lies which it has asserted require that it should be denominated a Forge. Proor or THE Prosperity or IneLanp.~The diflieulty of procuring rags for the manufacture of paper, and the very high price that is oa for them. pon English 4 borne by angels i Seine the Was The morality of ya as rather the well. | the er, a0 4 gout as a roy moral @ piece aan ism (wires Brust and | nova ie will the roe : eyes that ave brains is v showman’. anstlagte tam £ ’ 8 poodle and is at vec] a very onion dog; a “ ut a bhi of the waz in him, even in bis tai Nev there is one trinamph due to the actor. His new nose

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a ae. ~

Ty pata oe + —- 190 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

r —— j peed | HH i f mn: ‘int } I it UT ME ; ee ih OR Niet HB _ Say AIRE apg TE sips cc eb lit i spthoes ge by hit my ion | ; 4 4 Beh bitin : ay i Hy ; : By ng s ; :

1 a

THE LATEST IMPROVEMENT (?) IN GUARDS’ CAPS. WHAT TOUCHING MEMORIALS OF A PUBLIC FUNCTIONARY. Wuen it was made known to Mr. Punch that Cotonrt Maserry had ¢eased to. preside over that vast establishment, “from whose bourne no. money-letter e’er returns,” a geutle sorrow overcame the | great,dispenger of mirth: to nations. After musing for a while upon the mutability of mundane things, and the eccidents to which human ereatness i3 exposed, Mr. Punch took from his escritoire a quantity of highly interesting.documents, some of which had been torwarded to ! him by Covowet Maperty in reply to private inquiries, wlulst others had been collected by him during his rambles through the country. A few excerpts from these choice papers will show the public how valuable the whole must be, and will perhaps induce some antiquary | or virtuoso to offer moré for them than the miserable twopence per | pound which Mr. Punch’s butterman has had the audacity to propose as the true equivalent for them. ‘aper 59.—A letter, written by Coronet, Maserty, in reply to a | question from Mr. Punch as to the reason for the nondelivery of a letter addressed to him -at’85, Fleet Street, and containing £500, the gift of a constant and enthusiastic reader. In concise terms the Colonél informs Mr. Pack that the “ proper officer” has-been directed to mifike the necessary inquiries. Letter dated 5th April, 1849. Paper 82 is connected with the first-mentioued document, by a piece |-of .ved .tape, and hy. its.. subject. matter, as it refers to the former correspondence, facetiously calls Mr. Punch’s case, No. 89,579,685, and informs him that. the.“ proper officer” has failed to obtain any! reply whatever tothe necessary inquiries. Th’s paper, whieh is dated 19th 1 December, 1852, farther recommends Mr. Punch never to send | money thronglr the Post Office, except in registered letters, or by Money Orders. It-is thus endorsed by Mr. Punch :—“ Mem. To take COLONEL MARBALT 4 vice.” Papers 89 and 163.—Two envelopes, in which Cotonrt Maserty | had kindly enclosed letters, which he had been unable to deliver for Mr. Punch, A condensed intimation of the urgent necessity whieh | had compelled Con6yen Maperty to deprive himself of the pleasure of forwarding Mr. -Pumel’s \etters is printed-on the flap of each | | envelope, thereby affording.a-striking proof of the immerse quantity | Ovtaees by William Bradbury, of No. 13, U af work performaas in. the Post Office, and of the scarcity of letter-| paper in that establishment. Paper \0\.—A Broad Sheet, addressed to the Postmaster of Pogis- super-Mare, and informing him, that on and after the lst April, 1554, |

HORRORS ON HORRORS’ HEAD. Tuenre is a wretch in human form (Would that his mortal course were run) Sf Who brooking indignation’s storm, f Has uttered this atrocious pun. The caitiff who by had heard The Census had been taken, Seemed teeming with some thought absu: . 3ut who the reason can jain Under what. singular s, They bave included the insane, Who clearly are not in their Census.”

WHAT IS THE SEAT OF WAR? We hear a great deal of the Seat of War, but we | think the expression is scarcely appropriate to the sabia The nearest approach that we can conceive to a Seat of War eo Nery tage would be .a Camp oe ; We saan ‘el p ti w our troops e at the Seat of War, t I's i think less of ~ Seat of War than of waking a gallant | stand. udging irom a rec correspondence in the Times, . we neon be papel to believe that as far ,as the 1ith Hussars are eoucetned, the Seat of War must be the black leather used im ‘seating their cherry-coloured NEXT! | pantaloons. ; auth

the Major Money Order Offices of Chough-cum-Crow Parva, Smithville in-the-Marsh, and Upton Brownjones, must be treated as Minor Money Order Offices, and that the Minor Money Order Office of Hurstrobinson must, from the same date, be regarded as a Major Money Order Office. No reason is assigned either for the punishment or the reward, but as the Postmaster of Pogis-super-Mare is ordered to place the Broad Sheet in his office window, Mr. Punch is inclined to hope that the disrated towns have ‘been reduced for their ‘guilty participation in case No. 89,579,685, ‘and that the happy Hurstrobinson has been rewarded for occasionally delivering money : ; Paper \44.—In this document Cotonen Maperty informs Mr. Punch that Lorn Marpsrowe ‘has: atte to forward to Fleet Street a copy of his poem, Phe [eluge, but that-as-his Lordship has transgressed the regulations by making annotations im pencil on the leaves, 10 direet Mr. Punch’ s-atteution to the fine . , the Post Office .has been compelled to detain the book, which, however, Mr. Puach can receive on the payment of seven shillings and sixpence for postage. To this letter Mr. Punch has addressed’ a suitable reply, beggi CotoneL-MaBeRty pot'to trouble himself further about the book; but, , to retain it as a mark of his, Mr. Punch’s esteem. , Before Mr. Punch consigns these beautiful. Memorials once more to the gloom of his eseritoire, he would remark, that Cotonz, Maserir carnes with him to his new office the hearty good wi'l of many who have found him a just and a kind master, May Mr. Row1axp Hitt, who succeeds to his honours, inherit his popularity also, and come to be as much regretted at a future time by those over whom he is appointed to preside. —— = =

} A Spirited Manager. Mr. Epwrn Forrest is stated by the American papers to have become a conyert to the spirit-rapping swindle, and to be indulged with special manifestations. The bulky tragedian is rising in the world: when he was last in England nobody thought him worth a rap.

NEEDLESS BARBARITY. Tue punishment of the pillory has long been abolished in the case of civil offences; and it does seem inconsistent not only with our present civilisation, but with justice itself, that the inoffending soldier should continue to be subjected to that of the stocks. |

Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras. and Frederick Mullett Evans,of No.7, Church in the County of Printers,at they Row, Stoke Newington, both Middlesex, ice in Lombard Street, ia the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London and Published by them at No. %, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride’s in the City of London.—Satvapar May 6, BGe

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LETTER FROM THE SEAT OF WAR. From ove Sreciat Crvit Corresronpent. Constantinople, April 29th. HE discretion you kindly ~~ ed me of selecting i: n head-quarters | ¢.)) rd the serving the war now decided me on remaining | here, for several reasons. | I need hardly say that any consideration of m own personal safety aod comfort had nothi do with the selections but [ have felt most deeply that it would be eminently unjust to you if I permitted any aect- dent to prevent the regular pa a = of my letters ; ™ 7 the ster ich conflict one seek what may h | have taken up my abode between two and three hundred miles from es , scene'of action. Of course, I same discretion still exists, and should the Russians approach nearer to the capital, I shall hold myself at liberty to retire upon Trieste, or | even to make Paris the basis of my operations. I hasten to give | you this assurance, so that you may have no apprehensions om your | Own account. You desire me to transmit to you accounts of the progress of the = and descriptions of its incidents. I have great pleasure in doing This war, then, begun in co of the aggression of Russia upon the Danubian Principalities, “e course the Sultan sent out his armies to meet the invader. d France have promised to help Turkey, and are landing soldiers ty thet purpose. So much for the state of the war. As regards its incidents, great bravery i is shown

eg at As of their countries. Maya glorious war be speedily followed a lasti But it is ‘ia reght € that you should understand that information of iis and is not to be obtained opens much self. but it is only just to mention it. I have taken apartments at one of the two decent hotels in this city; and it may be interesting to ae readers to know that I pay twelve ‘franes per diem for my accommod tion. This includes a rusk and coffee before rising ; a French break. fast with various dishes, and wine, at eleven ; refreshment in the ? way of lunch; and a table-dPhote at six. It cies includes my bed. But alas! for human happiness. This very day a series of misfortunes }, has rendered me wretehed, and made me le of writing to you with my usual serenity. There is a e near my hotel, and the spark. who sthede in the ielanieh, ——e the people to. prayers, oa very bad cold, and, in co I was awakened in the morsing by a most dissonant croaking, w is still in my ears (om one the mosquito curtains of my bal was for at the top; and th ough I do not | | know that any of the animals got in and bit me, still the thought of | | having been exposed to such a chance does not condnee to equanimity. | The rusk of today was burned in the baking, and the coffe was spilt over it, so that I to send it aw: At breakfas and although the co/elettes as ther| 8

t the omelette was minute were Cory ee pales, Shag tape by no means so tender should have been, and it was some time before I could procure iced water for my wine, the freezing powders being exhausted. I may also add, that the grapes were not so fine’ as [ could have wished. When I desired lunch, the corkscrew was and I had to go all the way up stairs to the second floor to my private Eau de Cologne screw from my dressing case before I have any ale. Dinner was at least a quarter of an hour late, and altho I cannot, as a faithful reporter, find fault with the cuisine, the soup, fish, and en/rces being all unexceptionable, = confectionary was very meagre, and a jelly, which was near me, was lite opaque, instead of being transparent. | me add, that there is no to my bed-room door, and I am compelled | to take the trouble, when I wonld fasten it from within, of shifting the key from the outside to the inside, and that my windows rattle violently breezes of the in I have drawn a me picture, but it would be false philanthropy | to give a couleur de rose ription of the ‘Position aod resources 0

purpose of ob. | 2 raging in Turkey, hes | I consider that my right to exercise the |

on both sides, and from what I have read, in history, of the character | of the belligerents, I have no doubt they will sustain the respective | c oar them personal sacrifice. Ido not complain of this necessity; |

who are looking forw: | Tuckey. Civiliation hap much, to do bef re thi t on none oa ee, et , do before this country Stet ha chen next post ; in the mean time, I am going to the Opera.

Pia: CIRCULATION OF woe. emi sea | fi following is the style of sux “IMPORTANT TO ADVERTISERS ! “We feela eeunted ty ans Ea the exalted oceupied by the Independent, when compared with “ Number of Stamps issued vihin jo ne to the toot Newspapers The Pocklington County Independent - . 1,046 ae see aay” ae. ears, E “Tt will Siatien this official statement, that the iderably more than the average of the Kiften, and upwards Public to its t elreulates con- per cent. above the Old Watchman, leaving the Free Press and the Post and Herald in 4 decided minority. | When itis remembered that the Indep tes among all the old county while the Kitten is ouly admitted to the humblest hearth, and the Watchman can scarcely be said to be received within the portal of any fashionable abode, we need searcely say that the [ndependent is the best—indeed the only desirable medium —for Advertisements.” We have not agg the werlly to go into any caleulations as to the relative circulation of Punch and <thak noxindein, for we hate arith- metic, and indeed, we have no slate Takcwe ove were even disposed to do a sum. We therefore leave it to the curious in these matters to ascertain

how many times greater our circulation is than that of the Manx, or | any other literary Cat or Kitten that is desirous of coming up to the | scratch in the struggle for notoriety. WHAT A RUSSIAN GENTLEMAN MAY Do, BUT WHICH AN ENGLISH GENTLEMAN WOULD BE ASHAMED TO DO, He may forfeit his word at all times, and with impunity. Onan oe 2 ea a ae minute, and do the opposite the oq | “He may hold out hopes and ises with a view of tempting a perm to cheat hi frend an y, and, finding himself fail in those ions, he may hold tnular hopes snd promises to tha friend and all igrwth te View of tem pas Se mae honourable manner. e may gainsay al — —, se fa previous mate things were only fo ightly in Prod and never seats —— mes a pee’? Any An, upon the benevolent plea thet it i bmpossibie ho ona last He may do his utmost to set ls at variance, in order that he ma dnioe pone same Sen © keep beek hi et Saari calcimavaaaiios 18 pro’ y, and break into his boxes, with the view of prying into his letters and secret rty of a poor unoffendin Te A * bg tre |

gue ve when convicted with | declare vehemently that | A obliged when detected, , when supeneds ute regularly convicted | ted Europe, to go down upon his in the a et ee and, with the voice of injured imnocenee, or exulting triumph, begin singing a Te Deum /

Mr. Brotherton’s Little Evening Song. (To be Sung during Parliament at 12 vx.) pad to wen, and Will make lise Hecdchy We Wealthy, and Wise.

THE GREAT NAVAL SCHOOL. Sta Cuarces Narier and his brave seamen, who take advantage of that degraded position, | are kept within | boands at ponents "ye ie Sh Dp Se ee ok hecioops | | ard impatiently to the “breaking-up day.”

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. Z a. > ——— aeigpee a Spee en ee eae LE EOP Oe Ee | will divide the skirts of his weather-stained, wind-rent old mantle | answer, Because he was a Roman-off. 92 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | PUNCH AMONG THE PAINTERS. No.1. To me, “in populous city pent,” May comes not more pleasantly in the early green of the squares and parks, and th- lilac blossom of the suburban gardens, than in water-colours in Pall Mall, or in oil at Trafalgar Square. And, next to Nature, what can Mr. Punch have better than aviv Cox, or Marx Antnowy ? Dear old Davrp! I feel as if you and I were shaking hands for a long, long parting. Is it the heavy mist of tears in my eyes, or the dimness of years in yours, that blurs those Welsh mountains and wild Western moorlands, the last, I fear, that your glorious old hand—true to the heart as ever, bat now trembling—will create for the pleasure of all that have ever looked Nature lovingly in the face? Alas! and is Time drawing the veil between you and the looming hills, and gusty skies? In brain and heart you see them still—bright and fresh as ever perhaps brighter and fresher! But the eye will grow glazed, and the stiffening finger will flag, for all the mind’s bidding; and the inward beauty and glory will pass faintly and more faintly into shape and colour, til what used to be noble, free, and generous transcripts of earth, and sea, and sky, are now hazy and indistinct—landscapes of Dream land ! All who have ever loved Nature, must love Davin Cox. How not love the man who for fifty years has done liege suit and service to the solemn purple of far-off hills, the sudden gleam of golden corn- fields, the stately march or wild glee of summer clouds, the tossing of meadow-grass on the uplands, or the flush of heather-bells along the moor ! Well, let those who love him take their leave of him ; for there hang his last works in the room of the Old Water-Colour Society, touching, in their mellow indistinctness, but honestly beautiful to the end. He leaves many good men behind, but no equal. There was in him that intense sense of the solemnity, beauty, and variety of Nature, which made every drawing of his fresh and gladdening, familiar as his hand was to all of us, oa much as he affected the same spots and subjeets year after year. North Wales had his heart. He had absorbed its colouring and contours into himself. In one of Mr. Puzch’s country excursions—and where may not Wr. Punch set up— that is, set down—his pavilion, and sound his roo-¢oo-it 7 —he came, after a successful pitch at Llanrwst, to the bridge at Bettws- y-Coed (you will please to supply the vowels), and looking round him, exclaimed to himself, “I know this country!” He did know it—in Davin Cox’s drawings. For it was to this very spot—as Mr. Punch found out in a confidential chat among the artists at “The Oak” that nieht—the faithful old fellow had resorted yeer after year, loving the lace like a mistress, wooing hill and field and river, till they laid their vearts bare to him, and told all they had to tell—every year something ew and always worth the telling, ard whispered to none but old JAVID, So go, my dear young friends, reverently and tenderly, and give your farewell and God-speed to Davip Cox, for he will draw no more. He among many, for whom the rags and tatters will make whole suits, | whereim they will array themselves very proudly, and make no small figure in May Exhibition-rooms. Mr. Narrex will have a large cantle, if he give us many such bits of grey river-bed, and dank foss-side, as he shows this year. | Let Ma. Lee, R.A., look at Mn. Naprer’s water-rounded, moss- | greened stones, and learn what river-boulders are like, before he ' next mdulges in his short-hand way of symbolizing slate and limestone, gneiss anc granite—at per square yard. Mr. Bennett, too, deserves a respectable fragment, which, I amsure, dear old Davin would not begrudge him, could he see those bits of furzy down and ferny woodland, reflections of out-of-door nature in | the compass of a twenty-two inch frame, so teue, thatto look at one is like looking out of window on to a gravelly Kentish heath, or # lush Surrey forest glade. Aud Mr. McKewew has earned a portion of | the honoured garment by that noble study of Windsor Oaks, though,.in | the rest, he yet lacks perfect reverence fur that mistress who taughtold Davip so much— Nature Nor will I deny a lappet to Geonew Baurp, in consideration of his true service to river-bank and sea-side; I will give a roll of the wadding to Coptey Fieve, albeit he takes Nature’s hand with his gloves on, for the greeting, though a dainty and a gingerly one, is | honest and respectful. | But you, bright trickiness of T. M. Ricsarpson—deplcrable dexterity of KowzorHam—stand afar off! not a rag of Davin’s cloak for yo", until you cast off the pride of the hand, and mortify the lust | of the pencil, and become like little children at the feet of Nature. I wonder why bishops patronise the Water Colour Societies so strenuously. I never go to either gallery but I am awestricken by the apparition of a shovel hat and apron. Vagabond as I am, it makes me uncomfortable ; but I am pleased to see these high spiritual dignitaries | enjoying what I can enjoy. I fancy we must both be the better for it. | I don’t remember ever to have met a bishop at the Acadezny Exhibition. | I mention the Episeopate, because there is one thing I must pro- test against, and I wish the bishops would back me up in my re- | monstrance. I presume they belong to the Soeiety for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, and I know they do not now, as a rule encourage field sports (though I have heard of a prelate who is a goc judge of a horse, and can back, buy, or sell one, with Mr. Awpurson’s elegant young man, or Mr. AnpERsON himse I refer to the repre- sentation of the sporting bu!chery perpetrated ina certain high quarter, now so painfully prevalent. I cannot pass a print-shop, or look into an exhibition room, but there I see F.M. raz Pa—s Ais—t, very often | in company with her Ga—s M—s—ry, surrounded by heaps of slain beasts, birds, and fishes. His R—i H—Guw—ss seems to proceed on the continental principle of knocking down everything that gets up, for his “ bag” is always of the most miscellaneous description, including specimens of the whole game :ange, from red deer to snipe. It would appear to be quite a toss-up, when he goes out to “stalk,” if he may | not bring home a dozen brace of grouse, half-a-score of black game, a | caper-cailzie, a pair of widgeon, and a mountain hare or so. I am glad there are no wolves or wild boars in this country, as I am certain we should have them too added to the slain, and I tremble at every new | outbreak in this sort lest 1 should find his R—L H—cu—ss has bagged a badger, or—pudet dictu—a fox ! Altogether, when I consider what game-preserving leads to—when | 1 reckon up crops destroyed, leases unreformed, hedge-rows kept | standing, farmers injured and irritated, poaching, with its attendant drunkenness and pauperism, promoted, jails filled, limbs broken in midnight scuffles, lives lost im hot fight on the greensward, or in | miserable ignominy on the scaffold, [ cannot but regret that one who | has striven so well and worthily for the improvement and culture of the poor and neglected, should set such a very sporting example. Hex M—s—ty (Gop bless her!), knows Ar. Punch’s \oyalty at all | times, and just now that loyalty burns with a hotter fire (if possible), than usual. [am sure both She and His R—t H—eua—-ss will take my hint in good part, and in future turn Mr. Haac’s pencil, and Sm Epwrn’s brush to better account. - And now shall we turn into the Royal Academy, or have you had | enough for the present ? Next week ? | Very weli then—Next week —Messieurs de ? Académie, a votre tour. | ——————— | Something Queer in Hats. Amone other advertised novelties, we observe that some inventive , genius in Paris has recently been patenting a chapeau de cuir. We cannot help fearmg that the patentee must look for more than common | strength of mind in his customers, — they will obviously have to | | bear the imputation of being leather-h Convyprum vor Cuassicat Scsooupors.—If ergot, wie you why Marc Awyrony, when he fled at Actium, was Nicwonas ?

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PUNCH, OR THE LO ‘& 193 NDON CHARIVARI. PITY THE POOR COPYING CLERKS. DRAW THE RAZOR, Q War Song. TnovuGH wevhave not much respect for a certain class of writers who are merely our ae to'those only who put forth —— A= ¢ HE foe is at hand, com- their copied ‘under the pretence of originality. The poor oe rades brave, Copying Clet of no sueh fraud, and we deeply sympat)ise, = So prepare to gain therefore, with of injustice, of which they have lately been the day. made the victimes here i a all know, agzeal for Law Reform, Do you want to know but there is a , im many other to begin the the way ? - reform at the by cutting down the small pittance of those First of all, you must who are ill pai deaving ched, or even: ing the in- shave my boys, comes of these are paid more than shave ! There existed fe men called ‘ ters, who had Jong been t to a and who had Let your blades be all also been taxing ‘the Suitors in tothe anount polished and keen, of several y per annum. obedience opinion, the And your enemies intolerable nui name, though i to con- you ’}] whop, tinue in fact ; for though the were ‘ their duty, By the help of Me- the public b areeinn we the of paying their cu1’s strop. salarves. A measune.of compensation was _ by which four To yourarms, then, and individuals*havemeeeived:considerably more than’a quarter of a million shave for the of money sith ight or mime ; and as if the living in- | Quexzn ! -cubus hesnatificiently burdensome, the Chancery Suiters. years aftervthe death of the four Your swords, in ‘their ives. These official ghosts are, | steel scabbards , itual business, *but they are to come x a shut, with and carrying away more than tea thousand May as oyster-knives grow blunt ; Bat you boldly may confront Ita by living office haters, but i is almost Any force, if your razors will cut. upon’ by ied functionaries clamouring from | So draw, lads, your razors, before D: awing swords, and never heed For your country how you bleed Chin and lips whilst you mangle and score. Close shorn we will ne’er be afeard ; And let every Russian bear Come upon us, if he dare ; : They shall see how we mow down a beard ! And where in the world is the match Of the British troops who shave, Whence they learn how to behave ? As they ouglit,,»when they come to the scratch ? A SHOCKING KIND OF PUFF. “Mr. Ponca, “A postmaw’s double rap was given at my street door, and immediately my servant broucht-me a letter, on the back of which was written the word “ Eleetrie Telegraph.” My nearest relations live on a line of railway, whereby I once-received a telegraphic communication, apprising me of the death-seizure of one of the most near of them. On taking up the letter as , my first impression was, that some other one of them had been taken dangerously ill, or had died suddenly. The consequence was a palpitation in the beart and a swimming in the head, and if the —_ had been a little more violent, there would have been.a death tovbe telegraphed down that same railway instead of up, andan undertaker would pow be making final arrangements respeeting the-writer-of this. And as the envelope, so alarmingly marked, turned out to contain merely a handbill, ad- vertising the sale of a lot of haberdashery, the coroner's inquest, which would have been helden the bedy of that vietim of puffing, might, in justice, if not m law, have returned a verdict of manslanxhter against Messrs. Towzery, Gane, andiCo., for causing *the death of your humble Servant, “A ‘Nunvous May. “ Suburbs Place, May, Y854.” “PS. Since the reception of the above startling notice, another has been left here of the same sort. The practice of sending about these dangerous puffs is becoming general. It will be nothing to me now that L am used to it; but will very likely kill somebody else.” An Imperial Settler. Wuen Nicworas alluded to Turkey as “un homme malade,” he meant to say, in wime-merchant’s phrase, that “the Porte was a little sick,” in consequence of its having been so terribly shaken lately ; and that all it wanted was “ settling”—kindly inferring that if he was only allowed, he would very soon go in and settle it. A Certams Cure ror Srovr Prorie.—Get a situation as a letter- carrier, and live on your ! to be called the grave ones 3 y, and sweeping off their annual thou- (ene al ir own lishilties are discharged, and even the debt of | nature is satisfied. This mode of effecting a piece of Law Reform contrasts rather violently with the mode in which the poor Copying Clerks are treated, who are made to count any number of figures representing pounds as one word, anda sum of £774,022,638 5s. 3d. as three wo the ruling of three limes, and certainly very considerable care and reference to the figures to prevent any mistake in transcribing | them. | that a “Copying Clerk” is almost synonymous with “ half-starved drudge,” has been introduced by Lorn Sr. Leonanrps, who seems to |have forgotten that a copying machine—if human—requires food, | shelter, and clothing, to keep it im motion. The case of the unfortunate Copyists has been properly taken up by the Legal Observer and the | Law Times, but these being class papers, they can produce only a partial effect ; and it has struek forcibiy on the bump of benevolence , though towrite them down would require probably | ‘This piece of economy at the expense of a class already so ill-paid, of Punch that he ought to make known to the world at large, the | wrongs of the Co sympathy. It is plethora of com P. bat sorry Law Reform which pampers with a very tion, both present and posthumous, the holder of ing Clerks, and thus invite towards them universal | an overpaid office, continuing his profits to him as it were in the grave, by the hands of his representatives ; and at the same time sends perhaps prematurely, to join him, throuzh starvation, the overworked Copying Clerk with or without his ili-fed wife or one or more of his attenuated children. As Lorp St. Leowxanns shows a kind interest in soldiers’ wives and families, we are sure we have only to bring under his notice the effects of his order—which was no doubt well-intentioned, but ill- considered on his part—to cause him to set to work to obtain the | reseinding of a regulation which it is feared will reduce to starvation point a body of men who have always been rather too near that very unenviable position on the social foodometer. IMPORTANT EXPLANATIONS. Iw Friday’s Debate on the Navy Estimates Carrarms Scoset. (who usually talks sensibly enough) brought up two matters of complaint. One was that in an official despatch, a steamboat had been twice re- ferred to as “he,” and the other was, that Mn. Srarvonn, late | Secretary to the Admiralty, had used the word “ it,” when speaking of |a vessel. Mr. Punch is requested by Sin James Gaanam to explain that the male pronoun was properly applied to the steamboat in question, that boat having been a serew, which a female, of course, never is, and Mr, Starrorp i he was speaking of a neutral vessel. Heavrn.— An indi le requisite, for business as well as amuse- ment, which young men spend the greater part of their money in damaging, and old men the greater part of their wealth in repairing. it may be added that, when he used the word “ it,”

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— — SS —_— ‘| baa a ay) * . @ ] iy 7 6 ON rweeertner me 1 9 arene ony = Sete . as { iq | Cue — ‘ TASTE IN 1854—VILLIKINS AND HIS DINAH IN THE DRAWING-ROOM. Yuung Lady (who ought to know better). “Now, Wititam, You ARE NOT LOW ENOUGH YER. Brats acatn at ‘He rook tax Coup Przen.’” d PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. RUSSIAN PRIZE POEM. Wuy should we deprive our neighbour Of their trade against our will ? That’s to profit by their labours, Not to ruin and to kill. Almost daily Russian prizes Are into our liarbours towed, Merchant ships'of differen: sizes, Frei with @ Various load. Why anaes brothers oreed to plunder thus ? Why obligéd te each others’ Throats ?—the is not with us. They unto their Czar’s ambition Yield th the wretched tools, To his wicked will, submis-ion Rendering like abject fools. his design succeeding, ein What his people’s gain ? To behold Tyrant leading Fellow ves in his chain. el AYW Other men thevile yoke wearing, Which beneath their necks are bowed, In their tion sharing, By the knout together cowed. Russians! is not this the battle Which the-F rexv’s own vassals fight ? Driven to sanghter like the cattle, Are ye all imbruted quite ? Why compel us to annoy you, When so gladly wed have done ? Why let Nicnoxas destroy you? Ye are millions—he is one. { THE ABOLITION MANIA, Sara IAD a“ vw fir Tr is one of the minor evils of a gross abuse, that all sorts of Ir aie Se & ludicrous attempts are constantly being made to abolish it. Every- body admits that the abuse ought to be got rid of, but nobody can help laughing at the lame and impotent measures that are taken to bring about thé desired conclusion. It has long been a settled thing | that the Eeelesiastical Courts are a nuisance that must be swept away ; but we never @an, suppress a smile when we pass a certain zme plate | on a certain door-post, not very far from our own abode, inseribed | with the magnificent words, Society for the Abolition of the Eecle- siastical Courts. e “Society” seems to occupy a floor, or the portion of a floor, and we cannot help contrasting the msignificance of the premises with the grandeur of the -conclusion which the Society aims at. As there are several other equally ambitious Associations that are just as ill-lodged as the one we have named, we.would propose that | | they all unite their means for the purpose of taking one good house, in| which the various Abolition Societies should have separate apartments -or, at all events, separate brass plates—assigned to them. There are Societies for the Abolition of a State Church, for Reform of the Law, for getting rid of the OGourt of Chancery, and a variety of other more or less useful pa s. Shonld the house become inconveniently crowded, it would arrangement as to the knocker I ¥ a r and the bells, to Lich the Bonintion htinet from each other. For example, we would have On the door-post such notices as the following :— For the Abolition of the Ecclesiastieal Cratiay ring the top bell. For the Anti-State Church Assogiation, for getting rid of the sishops, give a single knock. for the Reform of the Peerage, pill the lower bell twice, and walk down the steps of the area. For the United Brotherhood and So¢ial Community for the Division of Everything, knock and ring, and.walk right np stairs to the top of | CAST OF REAL DISTRESS. BEGGAR BONNET AS WORN “Do, KIND GENTLEMAN, GIVE némia Pi o Boxxet 6x SY “ED -GIRL WITH QE'Ve 'aRDLY AD 4 BIT 8 atx Monce.” | the house, when the door is opened by a check string. A Fact ror Mr. Caawe Gross Levity or tax Czarn.—When Nicuo.as compelled the Jews to serve in his army, he teok a very unwarrantable method to increase his Levies. over to Ireland with the “ Vale of Avoca.” mind, but strong affection for conventual establishments, of weak | has gone | take the Ers’s Miscettany.—A young lady. ‘wl) intention of seeing if she cannot

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FELLOW-FEELING—THE BOMBARDMENT OF ODESSA. Aberdeen. “BOMBARDMENT OF ODESSA! DEAR ME, THIS WILL BE VERY Nicholas. “ BOMBARDMENT OF ODESSA! CONFOUND IT! THIS WILL BZ DISAGREEABLE TO MY IMPERIAL FRIEND.” VERY ANNOYING TO DEAR OLD ABERDEEN.”

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PUSEYISM HAVING ITS FLING. j T first, we could not altogether understand the meaning of the subjoined para- graph, which peer one day last week in the Morning Chronicle :-— “Sr. Pavi's, Kents- pripos.— We understand that the scrutiny of the votes for the election of a chureh- warden, has resulted in a majority for Mz. Davipson, and legal steps will be taken to prevent Me. Weererrow from exercising the office. Atan influential meeting of the parishioners, held on Saturday, it was unanimously resolved to spare no expense in defending the services as at present conducted at St. Paul's, from whatever quarter they may be assailed, and a defence committee of noble- men and gentlemen was formed for that purpose.” What was intended by the resolution “ to spare no expense in defending the services,’ &c., “from whatever quarter they may be assailed,” puzzled us entirely, until some light was thrown upon the subject by a police case which subsequently | appeared in the Times, stating that at ‘Wesruineter.—The Rev. Caagces F. Lowpen, one of the curates at St. Bar- nabas Church, Pimlico, deseribed as of St. Barnabas College, appeared to a summons, ebarging him with assauiting Jonx Leowicu.” The case against this reverend gent. was thus stated by the attorney for the plaintiff :— “There was in the district of St. Paul and St. Barnabas an election on Easter Tuesday for the office of Churchwarden. It was not necessary to mention, as importan® contest, but there were two candidates for the office, the cause of one of whom was espoused by the defendant, while the complainant was a man employed to carry a board by a committee seeking to procure the return of the other candidate. The complainant was carrying his board in Ebury Street on the day in question when he was astounded at finding himself saddenly attacked by a number of lads throwing eggs and stones athim. The circumstance became the subject of inquiry by the committee, when, to their surprise, it was assertained that the eggs were furnished to the persons throwing them by the defendant, and that they were incited by him to commit the assault which was the subject of the present charge.” Thus one of the expenses not spared in defending the services in question was the expense of providing eggs, probably rotten, wherewith to pelt the placard-bearer of the un-Romanesque churchwarden. In this manner are those services defended when assailed from the quarter of a man employed by the opposite party to carry a board. Puseyism carries on its own little war in the district of 8S. Pavut and Baawasas by egg-shelling its adversaries, who ought to be thankful that it has no other means of shelling to bombard them with. But as straws thrown up show which way the wind blows, so eggs and stones flung at a man’s head from the instigation of a Puseyite curate, indicate the animus of Tractarianism. Lest that clergyman should be imagined to have been the victim of exaggeration, a few more lines musi be extracted from the police report :— “ After the information received the committee, the churchwardens waited upon the defendant, as they could not possibly believe that he had so far forgotten himself, when he made a direct admission of the act imputed to him, stating that it had been done im @ moment of indiscretion and want of reflection. This admission was followed by a letter from defendant repeating it, and acknowledging that he had incited the boys the choristers of St. Barnabas) to bedaub the boards, and offering to make any reparation to the person who had carried them.” So the battle of Puseyism is fought by the choristers or acolytes of Sr. Barnabas under the leadership of their priest. That ecclesiastic, we are glad to see, — and offered to make reparation for the egg-throwing : so did some lay gentlemen some time ago concerned in asimilar outrage at Epsom. ‘he apology was accepted ; evidence withheld, and reparation was made by the reverend defendant to the amount of two pounds. The magistrate was thus happily enabled, with a good grace, to avoid the scandal of sending him to the House of Correction : an institution in which Tractarianism will one day involve itself, if, not content with aping the mass, it betakes itself to hurling missiles. The Royal Academy Cupboard. We are told (and the conduct of the Empzrnor Nicwo.as has since confirmed it) that the “ Prince of Darkness was a gentleman.” We are indifferent about the Prince, but we should say that “ the Picture of Darkness,” was the Octagon Room in the Royal Academy. | inst A HINT TO MR. MITCHEL. We see that the vitriolic Mn. Mrrcner has been writing one of his nice letters to “the survivors of the Irish in Ireland under forty years | of age ;” whom he insults by addressing to them the following | nonsense :— “T believe it is safe enough to assume that in the war now imminent, England being at one side and Russia at another, all your sympathies, my countrymen, are with Russia.” The assumption may be safe enough. It may not—Mr. Mrrenet. being where he is—jeopardise Mx. Mrrcnet’s neck—or nose, But Mr. Mrrcuet has a reason for his assumption, so that what he pro- | a to assume, he really infers. According to the Mircwe.ian | ogic— “The sole reason and ground of this is, ot course, that Russia is the enemy of Therefore are the sympathies of Ma. Mitcuet’s countrymen—thinks Mr. Mitrcuet—with Russia—Siberia, of course, notwithstanding. It is likely that the sympathies of Mr. Mitcux. himself are really with Russia. As he approves of the flagellation of slaves, so he may perhaps admire government by tle knout. Did he live under such a régime he would probably accommodate himself to it in respect ot his speech and writing, The laceration of human flesh by the stripes of the hangman would robably form in itself a pleasing ohject of contem- plation to Mr. Mircuet—he being personally uwnwhipt. There is something in the gratuitous malignity which he has ows evinced, that renders it possible that Mircuet of the Vitriol-Squirt delights in loating over the idea, and would still more keenly enjoy the reality, of 1uman agony. Perhaps Ma. Mitcuen had better take care what he writes. He is now in @land of liberty; yes:' but a land of liberty for public indig- | —e "= as for — malice. He Jay express — too = H sympathy for despots ; may give the American peo’ ® little more atrocious nonsense than they will stand. Peradventure he will | carry his fanatical hatred to Eng rather too farin at ing to Trish rows imaidof Russian barbarism. We know what end | the fanaticism of Ma, Joseenm Smuirn led to: and Mr. Jomw Mircur. | should consider that he hasan office which may be burnt about his ears, to the charge with which the magistrate had to deal, the particular character of that} a back that may be scored with a cow-hide, and a skin which may be tarred and feathered. } PARLIAMENT AND THE PRESS. A rew members of Parliament who seem to have an instinctive | horror of all “ intelligence,” have been attempting a crusade against | the press, which in their legislative wisdom, they think, knows a great deal more than it ought to know, and learns with a quickness which | appears quite awful to those with whom slowness of apprehension would find sympathy. The other day a notice stood on the paper of the Lower House for a question to be put to the Government “ as to the circumstances under which the Times reporter obtained his passage | to Gallipoli.” It would be scarcely more absurd and impertinent to ask in the House of Commons, for an explanation of “the cireum- | stances under which the Bow Street police reporter obtained the means of riding outside an omnibus from the corner of Catherine Street to the corner of Bridge Street, Blackfriars.” Some honourable members appear to be very indignant at the early and accurate intelligence of the press, and are disposed to argue with great indignation “ what right a newspaper reporter has to go anywhere as early as anybody else, or to know anything that has not already reached official ears,” the appre- | hensive qualities of which are not always equal to their longitude. A recent notion seems to be, that nothing less than a Lord ought to be permitted the facilities of rapid locomotion on board ships taken up for Government purposes, We recommend the Lords, for their own dignity, not to press this point too far, lest the aristocratic body | should suffer by the necessity that would arise for selecting from among “their Lordships” the regular reporters of the newspapers. When a nobleman is wanted there is no doubt he can be had, for it is | only recently that an Earl was quite accessible as a writer of testi- monials in favour of a quack medicine. We should be sorry to hear in the House of Lords any allusion to “the noble penny-aliner on my right,” but if the newspapers should be driven to dispense with their unprivileged reporters, we have no doubt that titled correspondents would soon be in the pay of the newspapers. Hint for Head Quarters. Tae Army has its Greys, and Blues, and Buffs, May pig-tailed Pedantry not add, the Muffs ? Sentiment vor Tue Senvants’ Hati.—May we powder but what is white! never smell any | —_—_—

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: i : Ne —oranae rie ete 198 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Wh: j EI 4 " “ara. 4 2 WS \\ Pa = ieee ee. \ | > \) = = eS NWR cee hak a | THE PUFF PATRIOTIC. | “Ur, up with the Standard of England!” (The song is two shillings—no more !) “The War is declared boys,” says Narrer. (This ballad ’s a certain encore.) “ Now Britain and France are United.” (“The song of the day.” See Review.) “Yes Britain shall see the Turk Righted.” (Arranged for a captain and crew). “Stand up to your Guns, my brave Britons !” (For two dozen stamps postage free. } “ Hark, hark ’tis the roar of the Lion.” — aa az a solo or glee.) “ Down, down with the of the Despot !” (The words are from ‘T'weepLEpuM’s pen), “ We fight by the side of the Frenchman.” (Lately sung by Donnas to his men). | | THE AMERICAN CENSUS. | Tue Americans, who always go a-head in everything, | {have gone a-head of us in their census; for, instead of | | limiting it as we do to human beings, the United States | have prepared a statistical account of all their cattle. We |are rather surprised that the Great Republic should have | officially recognised the animal kingdom, and admitted it | to the same tables with its own citizens. We should have | hardly thought it worth while to ascertain the number of | ‘asses in America, and indeed, if it were proposed to do the | same in Great Britain, we should set the thing down as | absurd, if not impossible. One meets so many donkeys | every day of one’s life, that to calculate the number would | be an endless task, and indeed the animal is not always to | be recognised. " “Le Malade Imaginaire.” Wuewn Nicnotras talked of Turkey being “un homme malade,’ he knew well enough that the Sultan was secretly | Beautiful Being. “Wat, I must sav, Parker, Taat I uke Tue Harr pressep | Pledged to Scuamy (sham wl). A UImptratrice. IT snows so MUCH OF THE Face.” DEBATE ON THE EMPEROR’S CUP. (Specially reported.) House or Commons, Tuesday, May 2. Tne House was about to adjourn, when : K Lorp Craupe Hamriron begged leave to call attention to a subject which had occasioned much pain to himself and other honourable members. (“ Hear!” from Mz. Coppen.) He had read in some of | the newspapers a statement, that it had been determined that the Cup 80 soallicantly presented, as one of the Ascot Race prizes, by the Emreror or Rvssta, should not be accepted this year. He wished to ask the Government whether they had any official information on the subject. Lorp Patmerston said that he believed the statement alluded to by the noble lord to be correct; and would add, that he quite approved of the decision of those who had the direction of the matter. Hut he did not think that the noble lord ought to fee! uncomfortable. (Laughter.) He only inferred the noble lord’s discomfort from the curious wriggling gestures with which he addressed the House. (Renewed laughter.) No slight could be intended to the noble lord’s | friend, the Czar ; for instead of our having a race for one of his cups only, a British fleet was just then running for his whole service of plate, and anything else they might find at St. Petersburg. (Loud cheers and laughter. | Mr. Buarcut said that the noble lord had, as usual, made an effective | use of claptrap, but he (Mr. Bricut) saw nothing to laugh at. He was one of those who did not take a violent intcrest in horse-racing ; but he liked consistency. A foreign potentate, with whom we were | engaged in an unnecessary war—(/ear, hear !)—yes, he understood that cheer. Well then, a necessary war, a war rendered necessary by reckless politicians and an incendiary press. Would that suit them? Well, this potentate was charged with faithlessness. At any rate he | | had shown faith in this matter; for, hav romised a cup, he had not withdrawn his promise, in spite of the declaration of war, and the | Russian Consul had instructed a celebrated artist to prepare the article | war, lawful to plunder the encmy. Mind, he (Mr. Coppsx) did not as usual. But they, forsooth, were to sulk like schoolboys, and refuse | say so, believing that all plunder, except the legitimate gains of trade, | a piece of silver worth several hundred pounds, just because we had | was unlawful, nor was Russia our enemy. But if it were right, surely } * Sim Perer Lavuase (with his compliments). | foolishly quarrelled with the man who offered it. But it was all of a piece. Str James Granam suggested that on the contrary it was all of a | war. ( a) But he would venture to remind the hon. member | for Manchester that in the words of SHakEsPEARE— “To the noble mind Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind.’ The Marquis or Gransy said that this was another scandalous insult to the Emperor or Russra, who was treated most cruelly. Why, let them argue the matter logically, in the way he (Lorp Granby) always tried todo. What was the object of horse-racing > an to improve our breed of horses; and horses they all knew were used in war. Well, nevertheless, the Emperor continued to patronise our races, —— they were to improve horses that might be used against him. Was that the act of anenemy? (Hear, hear /) Lorp Joan Russeit admitted that the question was one upon which the House might fairly be called to give an opinion. He did not find any reference to horse-racing in Charta; but races used to be run at York in 1607; and Cuartes tHe Seconp, usually | known as the oy! Monarch, gave a cup of the value of one hundred ‘guineas. The act for suppressing races with ponies and weak horses was feoned in 1739, after which, plates were given in several places, | the rough and breed of horses improved, until b t to perfection im the | case of Fiyinc Cuiipers, who at Newmarket ran t miles six | furlongs and ninety three yards, in six minutes and forty/seconds. The great Lorp Somers had not turned his attention to fhe subject, and perhaps as regarded Mr. Fox, in connection with hors§-racing, the less said the better. (Hear, hear!) He owned that he thought the House ought to have more information on the question, and he should not — to the appointment of a Select Committee. Ma. Cospew said that his a to be heard on Racing was that he was member for the west Riding. (Langhéer.) A man had once been hanged for refusing his liquor, and perhaps we might come to no good by refusing this cup. (Hear, hear.) As to pretending to feeling in the matter, that was trash. It was, according to the advocates of ne ROwe tebe Z ea ~~ a te of

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O56 BROS + RS @ & sae ee Or Oe wo

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and logically to rob the Czar of the price of this cup, say three hundred | guineas or whatever it might be, was clearly a sensible act. Why, if a | soldier cost fifty pounds (as had been stated by the Secretary at War) | by taking this silver you impoverished the Czar by six soldicrs, and | some shillings over, (ear, hear.) Mr. Dtsraext had not intended to speak on this subject, indeed he | was in the habit of never in ing to Speak on any subject on which | he found himself addressing the House; but he felt that it would be | disrespectfal to Hea Masesty, who was accustomed, in the enjoyment | of her usaal gracious and fal recreation, to visit Ascot, were ome | who had been honoured with office under the Crown not to offer afew | remarks on this connsieny. Tt mae <4 of Hen Masesty’s pe iy was as mean, shuffling, a isgracefal as usual, ‘he noble Lord, Home Secretary, had, in turf language, ent ont the running, bub-with | something less than his usual keppiness, while the Right Honouwrable Baronet had been a had second, andthe Noble Lord the Member for | | London had been literally nowhere. (Laughter.) The cup was to be | referred to a committee. He thou | sider it in ponte (Murmurs.) Oh, youdon’t like that? Very well. | Then I am compelled to read+I had not intended to do it—thirteen | or fourteen speeches of the Noble Lord’s, delivered in 1519, 1920, and | subsequent years. The Right Honourable Gentleman began to pile| | volumes of Hawsakp on ‘the table, when, in answer to a piteous look | | from the Speaker, | Mr. Bernat Osporye rose to order. | formally before the House. | The Sreaker said, he knew that, but had feared that if he stopped the debate, Hon. Members might think he wanted to get away to | some party. That thought often prevented his cutting short most table d un iscussions, rk. BrotHerton ho that the Right Hon. Gentleman would have no such delicacy in future. He begged to move the adjournment of the House. | Lorp Cravpe Hamitton protested against the subject being thus burked. The Emperor was a very kind man, and gave a very cup, and Ascot was a very pleasant place, and on the evening of the ~ day he (Lorp Ciavpe Hamiton), always went to a delightful ance, | Mr. Bernat Osporne. | and ball. | Lorp Craupe Hamitton. Osborne. (Order, order !) | $e James Granam would certainly tell Hex Masesry of that dis- | loyal speech, the next time he visited the Queen at the Isle of Wight. (Great confusion, Lorn Cruacpe Hamiiton gesticulating violent pro- testations, in the midst of which the House adjourned.) | [The above report bears primd facie evidence of accuracy, and | therefore Mr. Puach inserts it, but he cannot helpremarking that the daily papers allege that there was “no House” on the date above given. The r will be good enough to explaim the discrepancy | before taking his salary. } There was no question In fact you have a regular game—cup I despise anything that comes from “TO GUILTY MINDS A TERRIBLE EXAMPLE.” | Iv these lines should meet the eye of any habitual punster, let /him eae ere it is too late, in his melancholy career. The following rightful specimens of the fatal effects of pumning proceed from what | must be called by courtesy the brain of a once innocent member of a respectable family. He had been for some time giving rather alarming symptoms ; but the fearful climax which has thrown all his friends into the deepest affliction, was reached at a dinner-party last week, when the unhappy individual asked the following questions, and getting of course no reply, made the heartrending answers annexed to them :— 1. Why is fhe four-poster on which the man who sells my stockings sleeps, like a plantation ?—Because it ’s a hosier-bed. | 9. When is any other place in the world very like Simla ?— When it’s Sim’larly situated!!! The unhappy object was removed amid the groans of all who were present. New Palace for the Czar. We cannot but lament the fate of the unhappy serfs, so many iads of whom are driven by the Ewrrrnon Nienoras to perish ; miserably for the gratification of his prvie and ambition. It is a pity that no memorial of the poor fellows should be preserved. We could suggest one. At present, their bones are either devoured by wild beasts, or left to crumbie on the field of battle. Could no pious hands collect | them, to serve as building materials for the construction of a Temple | to be'the habitation of the “God of the Russians?” No doubt the Czar would feel more at home in such an edifice than im any palace and instead of residing within stone wails, would be glad to live ami walls consisting of his subjects’ skeletons. t the committee had better con-| iF |shower on those who indulge in es TEMPBRANCE. OUT.OF TEMPER. UR own Correspondent” in- fotms us that a D srance Mecting has been h ld at Byrmingham, where a large number /of Reverends had collected to.denounce nearly every of drink, and to e mt to put out every pipe by a u Wrainst tobacco. pt as hostile to in- t tif as any clerical can possibly be, e cannot help thinking thateverything has its use as its abuse, an there may be some good in a pot'of beer, though the reverend teetotallers will tolerate “no half-and-half measures ip their hostility to. Barctax, © Perxiys, Compe, Deiarizvo, Mevx, and EGtiors’ entire. While giving credit to the Reverend water drinkers for their hatred of a gross abuse, we cannot admire the very gris abuse which some of them the use of alcohol, We hardly |know which spirit oy Fp to a uy sterner opprarties, ‘he intoxicating spirit 0} in 8 or the yery unchristian spirit in which some of the teetotal orators pour forth their ciations of intemperance. According to the Kev. W. Lawpets, every dealer in j any intoxicating drink “is a ter, supporier, tributor of /curses and damnation.” In the reverend gentleman’s table view of the case every publican is a fearful sinner, who, to te the words of the Christian minister, “ grows fat on the blood of the souls of men, are the locusts of society, licensed banditti;” and, indeed, such scourges |to humanity that the Rev. W. Lawpets is deseribed in the report as expressing the amiable and ultra pious wish “that Gop in his merey | may suddenly cut them off, to prevent others from following in their | footsteps.” | We should like to hear a definition of temperance by a clergyman, who, while preaching up the virtue of temperance, prophesies speedy '“damnation” to the whole of the beer and spirit dealers, and suggests that they will all “go down to hell” in atather expeditious manner. The Reverend Gentleman appears to forget that there are ar kinds of intemperance, and not the least disgusting sort is that which | blarts forth upon others a stream of fierce and fiery trash, which is | poisonous to the reputation over which it is poured, and is, in fact, a | species of moral vhol or vituperative vitriol, thrown recklessly about to the damage and destruction of the character of « whole class of the community. Ardent Spirits are objectionable enough, and neat yrandy, ram, or gin, may be called, literally, an unmixed evil, bat we doubt if any spirit can be much worse than the spirit in which the Revenesp W. Lawpets has attacked those who are cngaged in the sale or consumption of intoxicating liquors. CAPITAL EXAMPLE FOR THE HOUSE OF COMMONS. We understand that Vanxhall Gardens, if ever they open again, are to be closed every night at twelve o'clock. Now we think this example might be followed with great advantage by the House of Commons. | Sarely the hour tMfat is considered to be considered equally late for business. The law that applies to ham-sandwiches ought to cut with equal keenness against the argu- | ments that rival them in thinness. We make Mr. Baorngrton a present of our argument, and we hope he’ will use it with effect in | getting a law passed, that no parliamentary fireworks be let off after | eleven o’clock, and that as the clock strikes twelve, al! the ten thousand additional lamps of oratory be, every one of them, blown out. Any Member found loitering about the Honse after midnight, to be locked up until the housemaid comes in forthe Petitions and the other waste- paper the next morning; and furtherniore, that he be not allowed, under the penalty of Ma Disudett atiswefitig him, to speak for a month. cremeceht eter pep to preter see eeeeeeey Tue Marca or Ixtztiect.—This March has not yet taken any Steppes in Russia.

ite late enough for pleasure, ought |

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200 _PUNOH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, THE NEW ALBERT BONNET FOR THE GUARDS. SPLENDOUR AND ECONOMY. | Iz is,possible to live on any scale of grandeur the expedient of any cannot. be \ USEFUL KNOWLEDGE AT OXFORD. Tue Oxford “ University Intelligence,” the other day, exhibited a | wonderful advance of on the part of the University. tt | r announced that “ The Reader in Experimental Philosophy (Mr. Waker) will commence a course of lectures on Pranklinie and Voltai¢e Electricity, at the Clagendoh, on Monday, | May Sth, at 1 o’elock,” | The parenthesis.in the foregoing statement is not meant to indicate that itis @ hoax, Uneeemo ane bead we find this further announee- ~ ee Daveeyey) will lestawe during thig and the sne- cdg ro etn ¥, and on some of the principal natural families In these plants clearly no d n is intended ; they may be under- stood to m é fd nit the vegetable kmgdom. The followin atices _ ‘ Museum will be open. on Monday, May 8th, for instruction ft na and Experimental Chemistry. The Laboratory hours will be from 10 a. till 5 p.s. daily, Saturdays excepted. ‘Should a sufficient class be formed ‘for the ,' Mae. MaSKELYNE purposes to give a course of lec.ures on Chemical Analysis, at o’elock on three days of the week. eee ate actually to be tried at Oxford. The University ill not stand upon the old-ways any more. At. least it will try if the new are not better in Chemistry. Perhaps M rR. MasKELYNE will 4 succeed in convincing the “He s of Houses” that there are more .. than four elementary bstatices, and Dr. Davpewzy will manage.to persuade the H bdomadal Board that there are roots in the earth, and out, of -it, of ne ony as much. consequence as those of the Greek and Hebrew languages. Mr. Watker may make them understand that | FRANKLIN was almost as clever a fellow as Prometueus; and let us| hope that the University, under the influence of his Voltaic Electricity, | will prove itself to be something better than a galvanised corpse. VES ee ee ee y She-Doctoring. We learn from an American paper that Dr. Harnret Hunt has been lecturing at*New York on “Woman as a Physician.” Dr. Harriet would doubtless give’a new reading to Scort’s hackneyed ines pm me Oh woman! in our hours of ease, ont a to please yhen wring the brow a MD thou.” » We must say we prefer the original “ a Bij Everyone’s ENEMY AS WELL AS HIS OWN.—The Exreror Nicuonas. ¥ —— irunted by William Bradbury Oeste Lombard Street, CONTRABAND OF WAR WITH ENGLAND. u® friends ‘in the will be glad RECULAT LOM to hear that the Empenor or ta rae wg by Ukase, dated ie . stroke of poli part ct the tet defeat on the its oe use, in as far ives the British. soldier of #2 5 of. shaving and. whitening - his belt, it veil pons him from wasting a very portion of. his time ; rH by how much it tends to diminish the y of that sub- stance of which his stock is made, by so much will it conduce to the abatement of apoplexy in the army. Wise Men at Blows. Tue Proverb expressly says, “De guatibus non est diapulandum.” | However, the ventilation of the House of Commons aires & soetied | blow to the truth of this proverb, for ever since House was built our architects and chemists and scientific | men have been ae | about nothing else than “ de gustibug,;” and they are even squat now, with the gusts still blowing about each other’s ears. breezes would matter but little, but the poor unfort come in for all the side-blows. LA COSAQUAISE. t Tue French army has a new song, very popular, at = Potene the ¢itis and the ¢oulourous, called “ Czar ira! Czar ira !” mongst:| due evento an cnemy, forbids us mentioning where, it is id te | Czar will go to. of No. 13, 1 Copper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, and Frederick Mullett aime No. 7, Church Rew, Stoke nme n, both in the County of Printers, at thea iu the Precinet of Whitefriars,in the Ci:y of London, and Published by them at No.3 Middlesex, % ,Pleet Street in tae Parish of St Bride's in the City of Londeu—Satuspar, May 13, 1514

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 201 oe Phy Ae? please. Believe me, such habits ‘ REMARKS ON RUSSIAN CREDIT. tiniest bit theatrical—on the con- | tary, they cor theatrical enough. Only } + HE manufactures of Russia’ Jet service according to our are few, but her {obrica | manner and I will engage > that there tions are innumerab SUN Ge aiftgvesh 0 tak of cnevinges outside os on | We shall oe no | oe. — Sorure Crvvexs is singing. If | em with the Hussians I had be let for less | y shoot as well with | money at Drury Lane. | rifle as they do io Why 2 St. Paul’s in the with the long bow. | same have for Covent Ostrn-SackEn’s Garden ? would be all Paixhass if! I beseech you, my dear natured angel : oom of a Bishop, to attend to ma fepuicties wishes. 4 my | They at pest, but po An bagatelles. Now, if you on: re 4%, mise T will work you The report of a Russian 7 cannonade is something i a beautifl emt fea braces. But I incredible. ‘ For obvions reasons, we ws the sig- It is a curious paradox L nature, but the par. gua written on lt de ee ee ee ee ee a | that even when Nicnonas scented paper tien may be seen at any iat ob at our Office. and his Officers ave ad- vaesing, they are lying stul. j Although pugilism is not a mode of warfare practised by the Russians they fight im a great measure by fibbing. Even if we reduce the Czar to terms, it will be necessary to understand all his terms in the oppo- site sense. Noun-Substantive, in the Russian language, is a word which stands for a thing that is not. THEATRICAL RELIGION. A Billet-Douz from a Young Lady in Belgravia to the Lown Bisuor or Lowpow, touching * the Puseyite Performances at St, Paul's, Knightsbridge. “My Dear Duck or a Bisnor, “I nore won't be so cruel as to alter the performances at St. Panl’s. T will never forgive you if youdo. They are so delightful, you can’t teil. I can assure you it is as good as > Cun di de in fact better, for all the plays are closed on the Sunday—but here the oe, sae one can go im without paying anything at the doors. It’s so delightful, you ba have no i | “Tf you close St Pare nn (8 rae & Lene lean peeing where we can go to. If you do, I declare I will call et ye that I will. ‘The s is so delightful. The intoning is so much better than the drawling, s sleepy, | good-for- ethno le, hum-drum way in whieh most en read the prayers. It’s|T#e ext Inesrroment or Torture THAT WILL | quite charming oo mame voice, ton io is the i See Lever ty a clergyman. The | P®0BaBLY Be INVENTED IN THE War OF SureT | ae wee are as sweet as Manio’s—whilst his Jower ones remind one not unfavourabl CoLtars. ° pe ole i. Be — oly ti ap Sionte, eae Rightene you es ieee ee ee w yom, may Te, of eo is the can to ou have tome ino Montagne Russe a oh ae aera to be exhibited A Joke for Exeter Hall. were so } IDDELL’s intonation is Stactly Lie « cleat Bos Montagne Russe—you k rining-eall fallihg. all the while—at one Ene pier moment a as inet up to mere oss ! pest into rude contact with the world. | peyenewp anus Iswanpa must €x exeuse ma ytot I oS tor the flowers, if they could be spread all over the ehurch, until it looked. tke a i srs wa ~~ Floricultural Show, I *nould e it all the better. Indeed, if a bouguet could be given to each lady as at a wedding y, L should not object. Flowers cannot hurt anybody, and for 2 mind [ think if ay Pe va raencbong . - habit of — eee age the ia, or with a rose ica, in utton-hole, that his discourse would probably the sweeter supposed for it, and in the absence of real flowers, surely artificial flowers are better than none ? ft ma be Iywaxps 2 hee _ “Then persons complain of. the processions: | have no patience with such stupid people. To ay way of ag there are not processions half enough. They make certain ceremonies pretty ——— > hich without them would pass unnoticed. I do not mind telling you We pause for a Reply. m confidence hat if a little dancing = also introduced, the effect would be the | greater. For ined if a number of ladies in white muslin were to run before the}. om... Puxca,—Iin your number of the 6th _ Curate, wers on ore ascending into the it, how very, c ou on the scarcity Of rags in ire rtd rng oer spl bre wc ep how vraag | mae a su a it wou it ? ip price « m- “As for the bowing and the like, I do not see why because persons are inside a Church | modity. Please say in your _ if ragamuffins it should prevent them polite.” Is it any excuse for bemg rude because y you are in, a) are available for any purpose and if so, what is pew ?—and if I meet my dearest and best beloved friend Lapy Awna Lovrsa in the | the present value Mircwz.. Sal, - one tJ, arin. is ey — why 5 ; a ~~ -pe am sure, 2 my ape “ Yours traly, | ishop, from w we always heard of your great kindness of heart sweet urbanity of} « wisizs To Kyow F —, that you are too much of a —— ever to propose such a monstrous state of Ous'wus ” pm ows Veeeee’ eer ald coomneeeh valemey, | am sure you would. wie al fore, mon cher Bishop, do not take from us our bowings and our processions; do| Tux Czan or Pavrens. —Who i is the poorest, | | not attempt to pluck away from our pretty altars one of the handsome vases that at present}man in the world but Nicnotas Romanorr? | e it; pray leave us in the enjoyment of our flowers, us a to sing or surely he is | decorate it ; lea th > undisturbed of F for and allow F ly he i the worst Orr by far. VOL, XXVI. xX

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— Uy A NATE Y “Oa! My!! Barsy!!! Wargver ais THE MATTER WITH YOUR Dou?” “On, mE’S ALWAYS A AILIN’; HE’s JUST HAD BIS MEASLES, AND NOW | HIS FACE I8 TOOK AND BROKE OUT WITH THE mvsTansnaas,”

The Vehicle of Government. Tuts vehicle is a large omnibus, and the conductor of it is Lorp Joun Russert. It is licensed to carry 654 persons—653 persons

far the arrangement |

inside, and one out. The person who is at t+ out, is Banon | Roruscuitp. The other passengers will not him to come inside, bat always bang the door in his face. Loan Jony, however, allows him to cling to his skirts, as the Baron has always followed in his steps, and you may depend upon it that, at the very opening Logp JoBN sees, he will manage to push him in.

Tue Mancugster Creep.—Cotton for, and to, everybody !

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARTVARL THE WAR BUDGET MADE EASY. Ma. Jouw Bown. Ma. WittuM Ewart Grapstoms. Mr. Gladstone. Yous, \ wish to state to you | Smee it's well to overhaul Scratching, with exciseman’s = What new taxes [’ve in view. Funds to meet a sudden call. On their easks new rates per Mr. Bull. Really, Wrextam, I don’t care, Mr. B. Margin, not of Zurich’s waters, Mr. B. Yes, that’s right—the > apention | So we thrash that Bear. Bat a million— May promo’e a reformation, Mr. G. Still aaah Mr. G. No—three-quarters. How your balance nee know. Mr. B. What ask is not excessive; | Fools alone frank spereh Try what tax is least oppressive. | While short ree ma ae jong friends. r. G. Viest, the Income Tax (1 ’nvtroubled Mr. B. In our phrase, c’es/ crai, | But I’m helpiess,) must be doubled. : | WrraiaM, ao | Mr. B. (moved). May that Russian raseal, | r. G. First, I want to say a word burn him ! los some € 8 which you ‘ve heard. | Be confounded ta aternum, | Certain folks fit to blame | But you’re right. | My a jon by Mr. G. T knew you'd say so. ue G. There’s that brigh ‘and shining lam om I r. ere’s t 4) r. B. pray so. | Frrzroy Keutny—Mesraess Gawr— | Mr. G. Well, three millions thus arise. | Mistress Hasais—Taomas Barrve, Now to find some new supplies. | Book the dreary—Bew the daring— am’ the taxes called Assessed HenteY— People thought were set at rest, Mr. B | | | | | ses eer + es ON eee a a . _ Whose whole life’s a grumble. | And arranged their small Penates . G. CHRIstTorHER— | On our promise—'twere a deétise B. Bucolic Bumste. | If we trapped them. . G. Groaning B \peepapeaal MALINs Mr. B. Betise—worse, . B. Modesty’ 8 among Ass failings ! Sooner empty out my purse. | Mr. G. Coton. Supzmore. Mr. G. There’s the postage. Shall we} One fresh blow on Wagan s foes. Ur. Well, you Ve got | raise it? Next in ee | to phn mo ney | To the best of all the dag’? | Cheerfully the public pays it. ‘ Is the. task pane poet | With his name, I must imsist | Mr. B. Don’t iet’s baulk their cheer, for Double X x shail make You’ll be pleased to end the list. fighting. To our double Expedition | Who the deuce, my GuanstonE, cares [ should feel each poor man’ s writing And the Brew shail turn out ruin For such factious prate.as theirs ? Blushed to bear taxation’s fetter, To the poe. and wicked Bruin. Mr. G. Tf you see it in that hight, And became a Scarlet Letter. Mr. B. with all poh iy tact, I’ ; eis from trouble ! Mr. G. Nor can we replace, it’s clear, You eit te yourself we. _ Taxes we removed last year, How 7 Ay lay it ? | Tine “boa holds those Bulls of Bashan Nor disturb our boon to tea— On the Malt. In the lowest estimation. Mr. B. Oh how wrath my wife would be! 4 B. Wey! the farmer will find fault, Mr. G. Then, Sir, L-will = Mr. G. On tobacco though, we— Mr. G. Not the farmer, but his “ Friends,” | That I’ve saved t Mr. B. Steady ! With a view to private ends. | That the single debt =i Bacco ’s much too dear already ; We shall have a fight, mo doubt, | | Was a trifle, and is From the Duke to Temple Bar But [ mean to fight it out, | That the nation’s ’ You tl not smell one good pei Two aad nine each bushel bore Will be kept a deal more | And besides, my gentle juggler. Which we ’Il raise to shillings foar, | And | will at once proceed Raising duty tempts the smugzler, And from what the peopl: quaff To explain s our present meed. Not to name the frightful grabbage > rx millions and a haif. Mr. B. Guanam asketl, thevother night, Which the Jews would make of eabbagr. B. That makes up the sum you spoke of. For te ? eae Let your crows find other carcase— Me G. Yes, no sum to make a joke of ; Mr. == | Spare the teapot and cigar-case. But net more than Britain ’s willing shells aad guns, — “SS aa" oO } | Ships and soldiers. Mr. G. Then look here. Your. brother | To advance. That ’s the way the money: rans’! Par Mr. B. No, not a shilling. | Mr. B. Take Ree = 4 what youwant for war, Drinks much Spirit. Better plan than you 've presented All I sa thet Case. Mr. B. Swear to that. | Could ony Wirtiam, be invented, | Mr. G. 80 ‘See demands *. G. So does ANDREW. And your part in England’s quarrel | Shall be ample. Thas it stands. r. B. In a way Gives you, Sir, another law | Those six millions we ’ll provide, still more sad. May your , a8 the phrase is, | And a “ margin,” Sir, beside, Mr. G. We'll make them pay. Tilt to blow Nicx to blazes. | ; , } remonstrances from a — of priests, who had not, however, - & CEO, LERSEES BOLE. inpafone, mirabile dictu, to that they were employed by the Asotuer Irish grievanee—a truly Irish one—has been ventilated. aggrieved —_ > om are t mischievous priests to manufac- | Several of the Pope’s Brigade have been pertinaciously re pe ating &/\ture a that they y not fear to risk such a ridiculous question to the First Lord of the Admiralty, as to whether the Papist | blunder as this, as this though it must be exposed as soon as committed. As | sailors in the fleet are compelled to attend Protestant worship on | for Priest Ke..y, threatened to commit treason, Ma. Lucas ex- Sundays. Sim James has, ever so many times, assured the querists | plained that he had bah ast-cosried, is his threat into exeeution. If he had, that no such hideous and torturing ‘tyranny is practised, bat Mn. Lucas, | averse as everybody is to punishment on a fool on Friday, with the double ingeaaily of his Quakeropapistical training, however damgerous—it w Foy oy ne a in which Mr. Pune discovered a new way of —e ng the matter. He abused Sim James | would have liked to see ,~ extreme penalty commuted for as sound Gaauam for having said t a Romaa Catholic sailors had made no a flogging as the brawniest boatswain in oma? maligned service could complaint on the subject; and proved that they had complained by jay on. Perseeute Jack for his religion! Punch’s dear eyes! his | alle that = Irish ew 5. at Portsmouth had been so frightfully | jee-seuppers are ey over at the thought, and he really insists upon | afflicted at th roying persecution, that he had threatened to | that being stowed, and upon splicmg the mainbrace, to the confusion 4 all over Smeebed pounding the not to enlist. of the Brigade. aan —_ = more explained that the rule in the navy is that | = —— and that every seaman shall be “ per- | ‘ mitted yr mynd —that there is no compulsion, and that if Popish | Unexpected 1 ee a Jack likes to chew his tobacco below, while Protestant Brut is staring | Ty the debate on the Oxford Reform Bill, Hzrwoop moved at the Chaplain on deck, he has a perfect right to do so, and the two | that the statutes of the new legislature at Oahed should be framed in theologians can compare notes afterwards. And the First Lord | the Buglish language. Bat the House rejected the proposal, feeli repeated that no complaint had been made by officers or men, | that it was manifestly unjust to ask of Oxford what Westminster is seeing that these was usthing to complain of, but that be had received utterly unable to achieve.

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a es a iitintn aunts | You must wake and eall m corey § call me early, mother dear,

204 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

;

! | |

THE LON, THE EAGLE, AND THE BAT. Vide Asor’s Fasues. a THE QUEEN OF THE MAY-MERTING.

To-morrow is a field day in “the all of Exetére ; Of all the blesséd times, mother, the blessedest far away, For I’m to be Queen of the May-Meeting, I’mto be Choe of the day! | | I sleep so sound all night, mother, I fear I scarce shall wake In time to get breakfast ready for the REVEREND JaBez Cake ; Then I’ve my plain capote to trim—the sweetest pale French grey— For I’m to be Queen of the May-Meeting, I ’m to be Queen of the day ! | ’Tis a meeting for the mission to benighted Owhyhee, I shall wear a plain blonde ee mother, it becomes me more than | To-morrow ’ll be of all Coe times the gladd | And I shall be Queen o And one likes to be where one can be seen, and hear all they say— Or I shan’t be Queen of the May-Meeting, 1 shan’t be Queen of the day! They say they ’ve got a native, mother, all tattooed with red and blue, | They say he’s eaten loads of men, ere to Christian 2 he grew; | We’!l invite him home to tea, mother, hé neve cs wi eg nay, If asked by the Queen of the ‘May-Meeting, if asked by the Queen of the day ! From the world, its pomps aud vanities, I’ve learnt my heart to wean ! Shall I put on my white crépe shawl, mother, or my Pomona green? And I think my dove-coloured in would not be out of the way, As I’m to be Queen of the May-Meeting, as 1’m to be Queen of the day ! | And if we should be late, mother, the best places full will be, | } | flowers The Reverenn Janez Lxw. his Petperial pa And that child of grace Lory ¥ will be m the chair, they sap He ok own y Queen of in : he shall owm me Queen of the day Let the worldly-minded scoff, ae in and to us that we ey hes — heathen for = aaenes in ai hee. t the benighted trust in works ; let us still preach and pray, And let me be Queen of the May-Meeting, let me be Queen oi the day ! So you must wake and call me early, call me early, mother dear, For to-morrow ’ll be a field day in the Hall of es est far away the May- — I shall be - of the day!

A Trifie for Otho. For having abetted the villany of the Czar, the Emperor Narotzon has given Kine Otno a scolding. Should this not have the desired effect it is to be hoped that the Allied Powers will give his Grecian | F SOME FOOL’S CAP FOR THE GUARDS.! | We cannot think that the nee Cap for the Guards, called the | '* Albert Bonnet ” on te have been real ly Seeigual by Parnce ALBERT. It looks rather as if. it.had d been im ed by the Emperor or Russia; for it has the ne sppearsaee 2 See asi We 5 SA the — ” for the C¥esl “O86 AVW

purpose of making Consort long | since arrived at years of paint things ; his | |igoris and tein ouhael Mio aid t he used to play at hatter’s shop. ip.a man of si taste is not permitted to be interfermg with that of the army, of to the bonnet for no better | more than am ornament. The name of Atprrt has been reason than that for which it has 4 civilian is responsible for the infliction of ' the Guards ; somebody who knows lall, who has heard that there is a the Coldstream, has | confounded that word with taking an additional | {| blunder, invented the cap for the Pailin: for this cap is the precise | pattern of a conv ict’s cap, and fear alone restraips the street boys from outing “That ’s your ticket-of leave!” « beg wearers march by. fact, it is not fit to be worn on amy mareh the Rogues’ March ; is not a proper cap for any guard but a Lt: pain half-boots. Some mere | § ludicrous head-gear on | t military matters at — 3 —

Tue Barrisa Gaenaprer as ifProwgD Bt HOR.H. F.M. P. A, vectpeptr CALCULATED To FRIGHTEN THE Russtays.

but if its members : reer, they would be | ; oi ‘has cost them £200,000, and air at even this oy Panda Sasa There are, in fact, many instances in which the freedom of air is altogether aprocryphal, and indeed the booksellers know that a mére puff is sometimes a rather costly luxury. —

9 “ON “HONOgG f<

SWIPES FOR NICHOLAS, We've raised the malt-tax ; let us persevere, ,

Majesty a regular blowing-up. And through that Tax the Czar may sing small beer.

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PAYING THE SHOT, Mr, Bull, “ THERE, MY LADS! YOU’LL WANT SOME OF THIS, AND I’M VERY GLAD I’VE GOT IT TO GIVE YOU,” May 20, 1854.) Puncnu, No. 671 - SS —————EEE ry - a> tae 1] ©. *emevsdgerwto seoaovededes:* » " “Oo8% OR Ons

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| Art! | contempt about the doorway of the | Academy, wpon which he is im the habit of poking l | cost of money and prelates, | class, it was in their collective character of a people, merchants. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 207 PUNCH AMONG THE PAINTERS. No. 2. He late Mr. WiLKrxs’s punch- bowl and pepper-boxes cover two gathering places for pic- tures, in one of which the old masters are met together, separated only by the breadth a corridor from the youn masters of the day. The flood just now sets so strong in the direction of the younger gen- tlemen, that it is not easy to work out of it into the slack water that lies, for the moment, all but unstirred round the resting-place of the giants of gold. But, strong as is the temptation of fresh colour, fire- new canvass, and contemporary criticism eastwards, it is a very wholesome discipline to resist it and give an hour’s reverent meditation to RapHar. and Francia, to Det Piompo and Trt1an, before your pleasant, easy-going chat with Lanp- seer, Faita. Waap, and the rest of the lads over the way. Such a visit will be found wholesome in many ways, but most of allas it may in some measure prepare you for appre- ciating your contemporaries. There is my excellent and wealthy, but slightly atra- bilious friend, Bistre. . You may hear him any day in his own gallery (furnished at mueh ience during Bisrre’s lengthened residence in Italy), ing up the old, and pooh-poohing the new. But to see Bistre in his bitterest glory you must meet him at the Academy Exhibition, and hear his withering comments on all the crowd admire. “Crude—raw—no daylight—no transparency—no juiciness. Modern Pooh, Sir, there’s no such = There he stands, venting est Room, poisoning minds as people pass it, or, as he conceives, implanting true art doctrine. He has a valuable coad) jator in Sour, a gentleman much hated by the fierce onslaughts in all manner of odieals, ever since they hung his first picture at the top of the Scum Room. From that day forth Sour vowed vengeance against them, and renounced the active practice of the brush, for the more lucrative traffic in Old Masters, combining with this, in his leisure hours, the function of Academy-crusher. Sour imparts to Bisrre much familiarity with technical terms, and at the same time sells him not a few pictures—of course, immense bargains. And now the two are planted arm-in-arm in the doorway of the West Room, dealing deadly stabs at wretched R.As. ; perfeetly in earnest all the while, for by long feeding of the eye on embrowned canvasses, they have lost all natural appetite for fresh colour—not to speak of the effects of a leetle jaundieing of disappointment. I need not say this is not the temper of eye or mind I wish to engender by your preliminary visit to the Old Masters. It is rather that you may meet the Bistres and Sours on something like equal terms, being neither to the old when ro contemplate the nor steeled against the new when you look on the old. wish you to feel that Art isaliving thing, and that its changes are matters rather to be taken to heart and studied, than vituperated. In the old time its themes were the grandest that could occupy human minds—family distinctions, national glories, religious beliefs, Its show-places were palaces, council-halls, churches. Its patrons were princes, magistrates, If it existed for the middle i or im their indi- vidual greatness as The popu —~ ¢ _ sengers through the streets, or as worshippers in chapels a chanabes. So whenever Art stepped down from her fellowship with emperors and kings, and , it was for such grand funetion | as recording the life of a nation, or the faith of a world. How, with | such work to do, could Art be other tham vast in dimensions, elevated | in aims, dignified in subjects, and I in execution? All these| effects flowed, perforce, from the facts which surrounded and —) the painter. The Bistres, if they admit this much, wil! tell you that, wanting sueh rons, aims, an , Art is now dead. Not so. Art cannot ie while men live. Art is the most omnivorous of mental growths. | and popes She has been the cherished minister to the needs of the most civilised, bat she is found at work im the gross life of the lowest savage. She has drawn light and colour from the sun and sky of Italy, but can catch a new and shadowy beauty from the grey mists of Holland. She can make herself as much at home beside the homely board of a Duteh or Flemish burgher, as in the marble courts of Venice, or the freseoed halls of the Vatican. But she swits her dress and conversa- tion to her guests; can be hail-fellow-well-met with Jan Sreen or BRavwer, amorously-eourtly with: Watreau or BoucneRr; proudl neian with Titian or Vemommaw; picaresquely-picturesque with MOURILIO ; ecst -beautiful with Rarnari, or sternly-strong with Micuagt Anorio. It is the same living spirit that stirs under all these forms. And this same Art it is thet, amid great discourage- ments, and by dint of hard struggles, still lives and works with ns and for us, in this our convenient, expediency-loving, cotton-spinning, railway-laying, material generat There is no wisdom im t the poor Muse—when, with infinite pains, she has transformed imio'a seeming that secures for her employment and subsistenee-even among us—that she is no Muse, but a pitifal tawdry jade, unworthy of a beneath the roof which shelters the works she wrought im other times, when her standing in | society was different. Mo. Let us rather take her tenderly and encou gly by the hand, eherishimg her and comforting her, and bidding her be of good ising what she has done well, hoping | the days may come when she-will be allowed to do yet better. Bor lady, she has had a hard fight for life. Loath to relinquish what once won her a glory that she still remembers, she has made desperate | attempts from time to time to reamimate the dead forms of the past, to smuggle herself into our town-hallsand churches, and, to her dismay | and almost despair, has found herself poimted at with the finger of seorn for an impostor and a counterfert. Drivem thence, sti!! clinging to all things splendid and brilliant, she has been fain to try the stage- | wardrobe and the warehouse, asraying herself bravely in | satins and in velvets, and struttimg- as a courtier and cavalier, through our sad and sober streets or our papi wing-rooms. ‘There, too, t htful men have cried owt upem her. Only in one labour has she fi never-failing solace, and ample recognition—out of doors, under the everlasting sky, among the eternal mountains, amidst the ever-springing life of the forest and the meor-land—driven from men— has she a to comfort her—beauty that alters not with usages and fashions, that stops with no zone of earth, and is confined to no — of the year. When Art is driven from all besides, she will still found painting landscapes. And now, my sermon ended into the Academy Exhibition CONSEQUENCES. Tere is a pleasant little fireside game in France, called the Game of Consequenees, which we believe has lately, in defiance of the Game Laws, been imported free of duty into this country. As soon as it beeomes popular (which every aan is pretty sure to do in England), we suppose we shall be looked to as usual fora supply of jocularities, which the constant reader will, as usual, palm off as his own. We are therefore tempted to anticipate the national demand by | furnishing the following : The consequence of getting into an empty omnibus is the having to | wait until it’s filled before you start. The consequence of betting with a leg is that you are pretty sure | to put your foot in it. ' ; the consequence of having a haunch of venison sent you is the having to invite a dozen friends to eat it. The consequence of your daughter’s wearing thin shoes is the having a perpetual influenza in the house. The consequence of celi is the finding no one who cares a button about you, as is sufficiently shown by the state of your shirts. The consequence of arbitrating between man and wife is, that you will satisfy neither, and be disliked by both. ? The consequence of tight lacing is a lengthened doctor’s bill and shortened breathing. The consequence of quarreling with your wife is, that you will have to go with her to Sway and EpGax’s the next morning for a peace offering. The consequence of lending either a book, or an umbrella, or your name to a bil, is the comfortable certainty that the latter one will be returned, and the former two won't. you may pass, prepared for appreciation, jtooms. Hard Lines. Taxation, Conpen, is by war increased ; ba ye that wins at best but loses least. t if to tyrants you sccoumn, You then anette instead of some. Tue Riven Piatz.—The Royal Thames Challenge Cup.

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ee Sete pt | | minister who has a fancy for looking after the eternal interests of the Fyfield parishioners. NATIONAL DEFENCES OF RUSSIA. (From our own Correspondent.) gsipes the infernal machines which have been sunk in the| Gulf of Finland for the annihila-| tion of the British Fleet, an enormous galvanic battery has | been constructed by order of | the Emperor, for the same pur- | pose. ft consists of several | thousand pairs of plates, each | forty feet square, contained in a} porcelain trough divided into} as many compartments of cor- | responding magnitude. This| formidable voltaic arrangement is laid down on the north bank of the Neva, along which it ex- tends many miles. For its con- struction the whole resources of the empire have been taxed, | every copeck that could be ob- tained having been used to form the copper plates in combina- tion with those of zinc. The cells, where the battery is re- quired to act, are filled with nitric acid from an immense reservoir containing hundreds of hogsheads of that corrosive fluid. With one end of the bat- tery a wire, of about the thick- ness of a man’s leg, is connected, and on the end of this wire is fixed a mass of charcoal weighi several tons, and attenuated to a fine point. A similar wire, but longer, insulated wit gutta percha, is carried across the river under water, and emerges at the opposite bank, where its extremity is, in like manner, pointed with charcoal, The charcoal points are so arranged as to be exactly im a line one with the other. The moment the wire last mentioned is brought into connection with the battery, when the latter is in action, a circuit is formed, and an are of light, of surprising brillancy, and glowing with an almost inconceivable intensity of heat, plays between the two poimts of charcoal across the river. When it is considered that in the electric fire thus produced by means of an ordi battery, platinum melts like wax in the flame of a candle, it is easy to conceive what would be the fate of any vessel on getting between the charcoal points the instant the galvanic fluid was turned on. A man-of-war, having a powder-magazine, would of course instantly detonate and disappear. If Str Cuarues Narier ventures between the points of these “ mighty opposites” he will be a bold man. Proressor Hocus has ie submitted to the Emperor a plan for destroying the British Public by poisoning the East wind, and is to receive a liberal reward if it answers. am not in a position to give you the details of this scheme with minute accuracy; but the agent by which the wind io to be impregnated with deleterious matter consists, I believe, chiefly of prussie acid, which, as you are aware, is highly volatile. The principal objection to this project is the difficulty of limiting the operation of the poisoned wind so that it shall not, in its course, injure Denmark and Sweden: but this, of course, would vanish should those States think proper to side with the Western Powers. It has also been urged that if the wind should change, the mischief would fall on the Autocrat’s own subjects: but his Imperial Majesty would sufficiently obviate this danger by keeping himself far enough out | of harm’s way. _—— — CLERICAL EXCHANGE NO ROBBERY. “ Anytnine for a change,” seems to have its attractions for some of the clergy, as well | as the laity. Attention was called the other night in the House of Commons to a case | of mutability in clerical affairs, which seems to have been less satisfactory to the parishioners than to the parsons engaged in the little “transaction.” There is a certain place called | Fyfield, in Hants, where the resident souls are handed over to be “cured” in a rather| unceremonious manner. Whenever the incumbent is sick of his duty, or, as in one instance, | when the tradesmen are tired of trusting him, he effects an “exchange” with some other We are sorry to find that one of the pastors of the Fyfield flock has, after seriously fleecin it, handed it over to somebody else, and gone as Civil Chaplain to Hong Kong, where he will be at liberty to pursue his sacred duties without having his tranquillity disturbed by the} clamours of distant itors. He appears to have given a practical lesson of the fleeting | character of worldly wealth, by walking away with some of the parish funds and money entrusted to him for charitable purposes. Of course, one story only is good till another is told, and the reverend runaway may have a very good answer to the charge publicly made against him in the House of Commons. As the Bisuor or WixcaEster has described him as “ highly respectable, and, as far as I am aware, well qualified to perform the duties of a Colonial Chaplaincy,” there may possibly be some mistake ; and we shall be very happy to hear, on competent authority, that amid the numerous “exchanges” of incumbents in the parish of Fyfield, there has, after all, been “ no robbery.” 208 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI — —— THE LAND OF GREECE. (A Lyric of the Manchester School—after the favourite Brrox Pattern.) Tae Land of Greece! the Land of Greece! By Baicut and Coppen loved and sung, Wherein, till England broke the peace, With Manchester wide dealings sprung ; They ’d take our yarns and cottons yet, If but the Czar alone we’d let. The merchants look to Manchester, And Manchester to £. s.d. ; And musing there on profits gone _I felt our trade with Greece U-P. Yet though in bargains close they shave, } canngy deem the Greek a knave. A cotton-spinner sat but now Where engines clank and steam-pipes fizz ; And mules by thousands lay below, And yarn in mountains—all were his. He counted them at break of day— And, a week after, there they lay! Yes—there they lay! And where art thou, My country? On the warehouse floor The spinner’s foot is silent now, The piecer’s tramp resounds no more ! And must thy yarns, both coarse and fine, No more find sale across the brine ? ’Tis something, spite of sneer and blame, To stand up boldly in one’s place, And rouse the House to rage and shame, Looking facts fairly in the face. For what is left the patriot here ? For Turks a curse—for Greeks a tear ! The Tyrant of St. Petersburg Is Frgedom’s best and bravest friend : There once was talk of “ crumpling up” The Russias all; that’s at an end. No, Nicuotas is good and kind The Turks, effete, and base and blind. Trust not for strength to soldiers’ ranks ; Paying tor them ex swells : In English 406s and foreign francs, The only hope of safety dwells. Extend your trade, at home, abroad; Why take to force, when you have fraud ? Set me on land, or on the deep Py palm — it is, not mu So I can buy where goods are cheap, So I can sell where goods are high. A land of war shall ne’er be mine— Give me yon roll of cotton-twine. COBDEN AS A GREEK. —E — wat ~ern a § Gr: one | of app une oie sele nie ins d me ho} ha th -

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Se ee | dines’ sense of shame, of con course, such appeals are about ae fatile as an attempt to coeree a by w him with a play-bill. Mr. Artuur, the Medea Officer to the 1 at Dep | medicines supplied to the nh ma | Professional Man, are valued at same } | | | meen ie See Ris p, and windy ge od”, catch catarrhs an PUNCH, | OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 209 HARD AS A BOARD. between the : the Poor, m the various said Guardians employ. The tactics of the Guar- dians are simple but effec- tive. They take advantage of the overcrowded state of the medical profession, and members public appointments which may give them standing, to offer the very smallest pos- sible remuneration for the services rendered by them. | The medical men, on the other hand, have no re- source but to do their duty ——— — their —~ to appeal, on gree Se ting occasion, to the ' tendered the following receipt to the Gmardians of the Union :— “ Received from the Guardians of the Greenwich Union the paltry sum of £20, for thirteen weeks extra service as nicer Depend visitor, sanitary inspeetor, and for Deptford, by which I find my services a8 rate as those of a journeyman mechanic.” The Greenwich Guardians have been so delighted with Mr. Antrun’s | testimony to their economy, that they have forwarded the document to the Poor Law Commissioners, in the belief that it will obtain for them a certificate of good condnet, or pexhaps even a medal, formed of, congenial brass. We fear, however, that t they will be disappointed, as the competition is very Punch does not himself know whether to accord the palm to them, | or to the Guardians of those two unions who pay their medical man a salary of £2 per annum for attendance and medicines; or to the o- of Todmorden, where the medical officer earned £7 ~ C one year, for attendance upon, and medicmes supplied to a populat ' of 11,000 persons; or to the Guardians of the hdale epee “ appointed a to vaccinate under the New Act, but paid him whereby they — a shilling per case ; or =“ the | Board, who, when t ired to name some public | places to which the poor might me thew children for a) selected the belfries of the atfiorent ehurches in the district, as bei ments, in which the co rheums. Punch trusts that Mr. Barwes has his eye upon these things, and | means to reward the Guardians according to their deserts, and he| | hopes to see the day when these Guardians, like Appison’s Cato, shall | | have, not only their Bazmes, but their Antidotes. as | APOPLEXY MADE EASY. | Some days since Mr. C; faast was startled from the propriety which | usually characterises his actions, by the sight of the following terrific | advertisement :—~ = |} means of making knowl T° ALL WHO ARE IN WANT OF A FIT.—The importance of which requires ne elucidation to convinee the most sceptical how indispensably neeessary it is to health, comfort, and appearance.” As Mr. Punch met heme startling proposition in the edrestising | columns of the Lancet, he but Took on its anthor as a rearing 0c thist, who, thinking that si | similibus curantur, had got it inte his| head that a slight attack of aod ar might be indis ey necessary to sarance of those who had reason to dread either thought Mr. Punch) the man | has found means to avert ‘by moculating people with indiges- of his theory is, that a fit is| appearance, 2 notion quite at variance | advertisement then continued thus :-— “R. T. Pronam, while to avotd ie present system of puffing, adopts this | Indicator of the Human F igure Taking this p was clear that “t present system of puffing,” whic parishes of England, and feceme —— of Deneck. ante stated bis exe the medical men whom the lowing exiom sad -% “ An invention ean, only be known ee faction, but will justify in favouring BR, Mr. Punek tried fornwhile to from whom these recommen- dations were to be extorted ; but, . — the peweees of the “ ah 5 ye th abandonment 0 ‘ormer r oe = ec, grown somewhat fa — — a. aang and plethoric. And jo! at came some one, who told him that R. T. Prenaw was.a Tailor. But Puach cqampt believe this. Mee = to avoid, id, must be the xe the short srimdodnees, and w hecay, stertoroes rm “Sac Actne ee telee of aa eft Fi ; : i > must be, in all FIERCE conflict is now raging probability, a machine for testang the increased ai of the patient, or, Guardians of per p and thence it followed that an elastic collar, so graduated as to show, ay 4 m day, the PigkAM tly wound up his prelection with the fol- Its. A trial will not only give satis- with their recommendations. in the attempt, began sériously Indicater;” for since his ss ANOTHRRIBCENK FROM “THE RUSSIAN GENTLEMAN,” Qn Wnfinishes Drama. Scunr.—St. Pelanaleng, A Room in the Palace. The ¥uewmom and NesseuropE: Emp. Seeaeeeat whose Giese’ isle May Nurrvwn’s flood o’erwhelm! Kino CHaREEs TNE Did — lose his head. Ha!—lose his Te shineqeownenpind may be lost! Ness My liege, That monarch was too liberal ; se Too large concessions ; did not entertain The high opinion that he should have held Of his prerogative and kingly right. That —— *twas which brought him to the oc foolish king— Did Ours CroMWELL conquer and dethrone. Ness. Your Majesty doth draw full buckets up From the profound well of true history. limp. That Outver Cromwe. was a clever Ness. He was a dog, an’t like your Majesty, Of sharper nose than common. Emp, T remember That Cromwzit had a ve ee) pean Unto the troops he rai nst the King, His Ironsides, “171 ” said OLivEeR, “ Men who some conscience have of what they He chose his men of conscience—and he won. What ’s Conscience ? I co abe and as si s too abstruse mp. his Chomwe11’s soldiers were called Puritans. Tee qnoted texts ; they preached homilies ; Sang psalms i’ the nose ; and turned their eye balls up. Then surely Conscienee means fanatic won. Your Majesty hath hit the nail o’ the head. And I wi tative it home. Come, Nesse.rope, andl ollow me into an inner room Here are the Christian symbol and the name That Christians worship ; a, and seraps of psalms ; For instance, Von alernum, Deus nobiscum, and ¥ And we these seattered items will digest Into a proclamat.on, wae shall a, My subjects’ conscience ; The con ion Europe Shall oh inflame : And holy a shell one one half the globe Confound in ruin, blood and massacre. a" -rancn Nessernopn following. A Lean Excuse. Tue Postmaster-General refuses to merease the salaries of the Letter-Carriers for fear they should in comnection with that which ee: it, it es roy by large amount of -1GRAM | Called upon too fat, and not be a ee a eet er Emp. More blockhead he. Well; him—this | —— ee

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Re ee,

210 With H) dj 4)) THE SEAT OF WAR. “PUNCH, OR THR LONDON CHARIVART. |

| ) PORTRAIT OF A RUSSIAN GENTLEMAN. Bewoip Pah ceped of inticted poite | |

Reality, no doubt, is there portrayed By hand of man was that resem made Of Europe’s greatest ay faa x Fine Art is to foul | And tet oe of li ig Cad ahd shade ay form t pa = a thing as Heaven bids t ; good and evil shine ; Makes it on Nicnoas food en smile. Of him at whose fell deeds the demons laugh A yet more s < likeness there may be. Faintly, per ‘on countenance Denotes the sooundref' 's inner villany, Whose full expression needs a photograph.

Notice of Motion. By Mr. Bricut. Thetas the English Govern- |ment seems to have declared War with Russia — exoressly for the benefit of the [lustrated News, st nobody el ond, eee —s paper is | evidently deri ‘greatest rom its spenaiionaea is more than Manchester , | is one ts na I the opener of the said Ji/us- | tely be to pay, out of Sie Pow the ar verered of the War so long as it | continues.

| CONSOLATION UNDER THE WAR BUDGET. Let us hope our shelling out may have the | effect of shelling Coutabeds ° THE GOVERNMENT COURIER WITH IMPORTANT DESPATCHES FROM | Tue Frast Beads veon Recorpv.—The | | Roman Angurs,

THE AUTOCRAT’S WAR SONG. Ho! fetch my helmet hither, and bring me my cuirass, Though I need no steel breastplate ; no morion of brass : Armed with the panoply of faith, shall { fear mortal man? Go forth, my hosts, to victory, and I will lead the van ! For wherefore should the scoffer, without rebuke, declare That I have stirred the contest, which to brave [ do not dare, And send my slaves to die. for me, but from the conflict skulk, Content, within my guarded walls, to hide my coward bulk ? Give me my sword, —_ the profane affirm I dread to wield, My jackboots, also, and my steed; myself shall take the field. ‘Acainet the bands of Mawomert in person I ’ll advance, And charge the English heathen the infidels of France. Talk not to me of danger! What, at my army’s head, Shall I be less secure than on m throne, or in my bea ? Can any failure or defeat, can life or honour’s loss, Betide the champion orthodox—tbe warrior of the Cross ? Never to be confounded Ihave proclaimed my trust, A hypocrite all Europe will account me, as it must, At bullets or at bayonets if { betray alarm, As if I thought such things could do my carcase any harm. I oe re of my forces the foremost man will ride, And all the shots shall miss me, the swords shall glance aside ; So shall I silence all the tongues that now against me wag, And say that I can do no more than bluster, cant, and brag. Millions of lives in spending, my courage shall be shown, No more of pe Do only, for I’ "ah axpees my own. I’ll fight like Auexanper and other conquerors old ; Shall Nicuoras a warrior prove of less heroic mould ? And when Se are vanquished, as they are sure to be, The knout Ill wave in triumph o’er all that now are free. With absolute dominion the world at large I’II bless, All Parliaments abolish; and annihilate the Press. My helmet therefore bring me, and all ' lik Hold | ! wait a bit—what Poe me? I ‘ma fakin very auver. Those tidings from have troubled me with qualms, Here ends my war-song for to-day—we ’!] now go back to pealms.

Printed Office

Whliam B: of pm yh Ly fe Eh Seemnend | play o —

WANTED A HERO. A‘Preéwcn piece is now fr ne at the- St. James’s Le nae in whieh the hero is an . lish actor Ve tet ermydeee | oe | the attachment of a young lady, whom he ' get drunk, because her father’s pride will not Shin consent io the alliance. We have been rat er amused hy the cities. in the papers, who differ as to the actor whose life has furnished the on which the drama is founded. One critic says it isGaurick, alleges that it is Kewsre; but whether Steraen, Jon, Cucnces, or the late loud-tongued Harry, of ‘the - in its most days, no one can enlighten us. For odr own‘ we see no need to back so far as GaRRICK, or even KemBre, who won the eart of a youn lady in the boxes. We have seen young ladies at the Victoria sensibly smitten by Hicks, and’ we: have’ been: told Gomersat in the height of his imperial career, had at his feet half the: milliners of Stangate. | The Garricxs and- the ep not the only 7 an who have- | won the hearts of the female + ee audience, nor do we think the | tragedians should be allowed the —_ nt teak fascination exclusively to | themselves, as if the tender passion could passion—anything bat tender sometimes— dress goes much further than the octing in these. theat theatteal “fairs of the heart, and we have seen the walking gentleman, while” with s les and bedizened ee stars, greeted with mutterings of “what a duck!” from a female spectator, had whee falten deeply in love with him from the moment when his cloak and announced his nobility by showing his mene We hope the friends of some of claim for them the interest which belongs to tothe “ professional,” life may have furnished the incident that has given rise to the Ha ith Ee eis He

The Old Girls they've left Behind them. - Tose who wish to do a goed tum to the wife ofa soldier on service, cannot do better than give her a of our should have a mother who is about to self we entreat him to look out for the respectable wife of some soldier and let her have it a bargain. Many a poor woman will be able toturn an honest penny if she has the opportunity of turning a m

Cause ror Reyorcrxc.—Paris may be France, but let us be thankfal that Manchester is not England ! ses i [

be called upon at his residence, and | | |

——

Frederick M Whitetriars, in the City of London, and Published by them at No. 8, Fleet ullett Evans,of No.7, Church Row, Stoke Newington, im the County of Middlesex, Street, in the Parish of Bt. Bride's: im the Clip of of Londoa.—Sarcupat, May 2, ita Printers, at thew

Ss & 5 =

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PUNCH, OR SS a =~ | JENKINS AT THE FRENCH AMBASSADOR’sS | BALL. Tre king never dies, and the sovereign of penny-a-liners belongs tc ia ne will be ag a The Th pony, Ball at the french Embassy brought out Jewxtrs, ip all the colours of his | rainbow livery. He is eoufetely | ‘a peneosts of Gontons { e@ crowned him long a With a load lond image | And a bushel of chat, And the cap and bells—ho! ho!” Tf ever there were a pretender to a throne—based on the solid found- ation of rubbish continually being shot forth—those pretensions are a! once rendered abs e undoubted sovereignty of Junxuys in the realms reais he. oecupies. Over his own oreuler kind of subjects he is indeed supreme, amd over such a subject he had an opportunity of showing his sway on the day after the Fancy given by the Fremeh A: He begins by intimating the impossibility of mentioning the matter in terms of Narrative and detail”—for “common- place ” is not the sert of that would suit Jenxixs. He tells us that “¢ of yesterday afternoon there was much excitement in the of Albert Gate,” a passage which proves that the writer had begun to lurk, early in the day, about the area railings of the Embassy. While thus ied he d ‘ that | “the approaching visit of Her Masesr® forted a i of discussion to the quidnunes of the neighbou , be the quidnunes alluded to we cannot tell; but we know thers is @pawn- broker’s next doot, and a publichouse next door . that JenKrNs by popping in at the former, and chewing cg eat : is may have been allowed to join in the disc observations were for some time eo mansion,” which he seems to have been hour; and from the gr - ee in ro done” th croups Watehimg anxiously each opeping great ” there is little dowbt that the nose of Jenkiws was @ iment feature of the group, @8 ¥iewed by the hall-porter from inside of the premises. of the from an early be allndes to “the In this position Jeyxins caught a glimpse of “ the huge bales of cocoa nut matting i cloth” whieh were being “borne in by van loads to decorate staircase.” Another external object that seems to have attracted the attention of Jenkins was a sort of gym- nastic proceeding on the part of “two patriotic neighbours in Knightsbridge Road,” who “drew a line across it early in the afternoon from the tops united flags of England, France, Tarkey and America, floated triumphantly in the breeze.” One of “the two patriotic neighbours ” was an adjacent publican, who is pro- bably not very particular where | he “draws the line ” between patriotism and puffery, or what flags float THE LONDON CHARIVARL — ae —— of their howses, where the | 211 Creeping earefully to the right, Jenxrys discovers “the supper We can imagine the exten to which “cherries, at a guinea a pound, oe and peaches at forty-cight shil . lings dozen.” It is fortunate that } goo of Dean Swirr “ icka h Fs toh ny reach,” did not cecur to him. JENKINS seeps to have main } ee his position inside the ntil after the fe com- awe oe find him peeping “through @ door,” and witnessing a sight that must have filled him with envy. He im fact gaged upon “a of musicians all arrayed in blae surcoats withthe arms if the embassy emblazonc | on the front in rich gold em- broidery—the Count Wa- wewski having inherited dothng mu this fashion of ing mugicians in livery,” sight of the embroi 7 , who is, of course, with his own figure in a looking-glass, * It— (the livery )—eertainly very greatly enhances the effect.” While gazing with admiration on the liveried musicians “a refreshing ze lirst reminded the t that a window had been taken out,” aud the probability is that the absence of the window may have reminded the intruder of an aperture through which he might exvect to have been pitched had he been diseovered. At all events, he hurries away from the spot, for he says, “ We therefore will visit the drawing-room, where most of the guesis first assembled.” Having onec got among the gucsts in their fancy dregnes Jenkins, in his very fameilu livery, must have felt himself comparatively safe ; and his nar- rative assumes from this point a tone of greater confidence * Ascending the staircase,” says Jenxrns, “ to the next flight we enter the tea-rooms, Here the fresh air and moonlight scenery of the Park will tempt many a I visitor to stay in lively enjoyment | of his escape from ee eur and ‘heated luxury to the refreshing quiet and coolness of the charms of 'nature.” Faney Jenxrws ——— from grandeur,”—or, in other words, taking a place out of livery. We are iter allin doubt whether he was not diseovered, and put ‘outside the door; for if he were gn fi triumphantly so that he is enabled to draw a few extra gallons of | sti]| within the mansion, how could | beer. Jenkins was evidently an outsider, for he says, “the deeo- rations of the exterior were imdeed such as to invite attention ”’—the only invitation he appears to have reeeived. But he was not to be defeated, and he aeeordingly contrives to sumggle his way in under circumstances which the Cloning passage unmistakably indicates :-— “ The preparations in the interior were so admirably managed as to be brought to a close early in the afternoon, after which all was repose and order throughout the mansion .’ It is clear that Jenxrys had been watching his opportunity to gain an entrance, “Early in the after- noon all was repose throughout the mansion.” JENKINS evi- dently got in while the hall por- ter was asleep. Having gained the hall, where he it to have begun to feel himself at home, Jenkins takes a peep at the "_ ce of the a, and finding that “all is repose ” he ventures “ ite the en- trance to the hall,” where he finds the “chancellerie of the embassy now devoted to the uses of acloak-room.” This is not a very considerable deviation from the ordinary use of the apartment for a eolleetion of eloaks would not be ill-acapted to a chamber devo‘e | ¥0 acts of diplomacy. ihe have seen “the stately and ma- | jestic figure of the Countess or | KosyouL as she stepped from her | carriage, looking the conscious and worthy kinswomanof the renowne family of admirals?” Unless the | Countess descended from her ear- he Sea!” ee po» |riage in a naval humming “ The Sea / oem : of ys |or adopting the phraseology of the ~~. fs | stage tar in. conpipetion wih ane hamart | tical fancy dress, we cannot see how maceaetl she could have put any one in mind of a whole “ family of admirals. We will not follow Jexxixs in his very.small personal remarks on the ladies present, nor i them. by allusions to the “ briliiant beauty ” of one, and the “ peculiar ” of another, but we cannot help pausing to inquire what could have been the costume of the Speaker’s , who, Jenkins ear, “represented a lady of the Court of France between the 16th and 17th centuries.” We cannot be surprised that a matron at a faney ball disguise her age as well as her person; but that any lady eould have so effectually disguised her age as to have placed herself between two centuries, and thus brought herself to no age at all, is rather too great 1 mystery for us lo uurayel. A lady between the 16th and 17th centuries must have been, in fact, nowhere—a position in which we think Jenxuxs will find himself after a perusal of this article. VOL, XXVI, Y fraits and — viands.” J na kIN's ust have watered as he crept about among ‘oom, where tables set out with exceedime taste sparkled with rare |

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SRR. 212 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. that Lozrp Apeeperw will not allow the Admiral to do much. Thinks if she were THE WAR POSTMAN. ONTENT that our soldiers and . ae ‘ . ) on. ‘© spite her. sailors are at their post, the | Preperstions, to 1 authorities seem to think| “Samco. Fussy to Jaco Maxtroup (Reporter, Ourm Pacna’s Army). Advises | mind no sneaks. Says the half-sixpence is safe, and Missis is more cantankerous than post to our sailors and | Editor has hinted that it would be cheaper to fudge up accounts of some startling and soldiers. The neglect in | bloody battles, from the correspondence of the Times, Chronicle, &e., than to pay Ms. letters and newspapers | s4y what he likes, and recommends him to ‘come out a little. from England to the gal-| « Lonp Aperperw to Apminat. DuxpAs (Varna). Begs that he will strike as early lant fellows w ho are with and heavy a blow at Russia a8 he can, Lonp Aprrpgry's only object in life being to Sin Cuanves Napier and | pambie the haughty and deceitful tyramt, Nicno.as. The postscript is underlined Lorp RAGLAN is calling seven times. ‘ You understand’” out the most indignant | remonstrances from their friends at home. One gen- tleman has ie -| transmitting or delivering | Mason for bis stupid deseriptions. Asks him who is to contradict him, let him | ingenious plan of at onec inviting attention to the circumstances, and of com- municating with his. son, by publishing in the Times the information he desires the young officer to re- ceive. Mr. Punch has been besieged with applications to open a portion of his columns for the same pur- pose. He is eager to do what he ean for the comfort of the services, and under certain restric- tions (the chief of which is that he must allowed to condense the epistles as if they were for telegraphic dispatch) he is willing to ensure communication between the service and its friends, by inserting in his journal, every word of which is read in every part of the world, the material contents of letters which may be sent to his office. He forwards the first batch; but in the mean time he begs to express a hope that Mr. Rowsanp Hitt, so worthily promoted to high authority in the Post Office, will celebrate his accession to office by looking into the matter. If Government despatches are so wretchedly | slow that the Press is compelled to furnish the information, there is no | reason for applying the same rue to private despatclies. “Isanetca Arxinson fo Huenny Macerancamn (//.MS8. Smasher, Baltic). Uas cri ever since he weat away. Has been to three bails, but would not cance at any of | them. All ber partners assured her that she was looking ill, Hopes he will be true | to her as she is tohim, Should break her heartif anything happened to him, and begs him to keep down stairs out of the way of the guns. Has had a lovely bracelet | from Carrats V., but takes no pleasure in wearing it, and only puts it on because, being a cable in gold, it reminds her of Henry's ship. Caprraiw V. has promised to take her to the Opening of the Crystal Palace; but what does she care for palaces? If she goes, it will only be that she may have something to tell Heway in her next. OBSEQUIES MADE EASY. Tue London Necropolis Company advertises First and Second Class Graves, and First, Second, and Third Class Funerals. ‘This sort of nomenclature suggests the remark that Life is a railway, of which the terminus is at the Cemetery. However, we are glad to find that the fares—to follow out the style of phraseology—of the Company are very Was at the Opéra on Tuesday (Carram V. got them a box), but could think of { moderate, being £2 10s. ior the first class, and £1 for the second ; the thing bat the last time she was there with Hewny. States that she encloses a| third not specified. We wish success to this = ey - which is violet, but if so, it must have dropped out, and was more probably forgotten.” “Joun Eowarp Rattietow to Cuarces RattLeton (Gallipoli). Urges him to go it, and thrust himself bravely forward, regardless of danger, and keep up the honour of England. Wishes to know, as Cuantes’s cousin and heir, whether he can execute any family business for bim.” “Lavea Pexpiepnop to Horace Pexpisrror (Scutari Barracks, Asia). This letter | is from a young wife to her husband, and is chiefly occupied with information re- garding their child, who is coming on delightfully, and fell out of bed five times on Monday, but never cried, and takes the greatest notice of everything It states that a ce-jee (80 im original) went past the window on Tuesday or Wednesday, and the infant mmediately clapped his hands, A very favourable opinion of the infant's fineness, from the family medical adviser, is given. There are also details of the impertinence ne Jans, who has been sent away, and of the characteristics of a new comer, Sanam, to whom the infant did not take at first, but now does. Kisses are sent ia P.3.” “Mosas Toorr to Freoraick St. Pevagim Mowtacur (Scutari Parracks). Ex- presses great surprise that Ma. Mowrague should have left England without taking ip some of his @xeptencies (46 in orig.) and 1.0.U's. Especially complains that he did not complete payiag for the silver watch, for whieh he has as yet paid only £47 and ome discounts. Threatens to outlaw him, ‘without’ he will tell the address of a Cartam Haag Lersourrea, against whom Ma. Tostr breathes great wrath. Mentions in P.S. that he has got.some atnds, skeleton pattern, which would be just the thing for Mn. Mow?aous, end intends to keep them for him, Thinks he has been treated very shabbily; and swears he never got a farthing back of the original £50 lent last September, except the principal anda miserable £20 note, and some costs for his brother the atterney.” “Mary Baown James, Perans (Seaman aboard H.M.S. Spankerboom, Black Sea). Says she reads the papers in the hopes of seeing that her Petxas has performed some galiant action; but Pleeseman Z, 9789, who is kind enough to come down most evenings and comfort her and Cook, laughs, and says she may wait long enough, and | the most reasonable that we ever yet heard of, and will, we 0 ove the means of saving many a poor family, bereaved of its br aaeae, | the waste of much money, in addition to that Joss, on a foolish and | useless exhibition of manners and customs, rendered compulsory by | the usage of a society which calls itself civilised, but is, in this respect, | no better than the most barbarous deseription of natives. CURLOUS CHINESE PROVERBS. ON CONTENTMENT. Tue ripest fruit often grows on the roughest wall. | It is the small wheeis of the carriage that come in first. | ‘The man who holds the ladder at the bottom is trequently of more service than he who is stationed at the top of it. | “Contentment is to the mind what a frame is to a cacumber—sunninz jit, and lifting it, even, from a dunghill. The turtle, though brought in at the area-gate, takes the head of the table. Better be the cat in a philanthropist’s family than a mutton pie at | a king’s banquet. The Learned Pig didn’t learn its letters in a day. True merit, like the pearl inside an oyster, is content to remain quiet until it finds an opening. The top strawberries are eaten the first. He who leaves early gets the best hat. Pride sleeps in a gilded crown—Contentment in a cotton nightcap. Nor To BE Fatnomep.—There are seerets, like springs, that lie too deep for boring—and a womaun’s age is one of them. James she would up and tell the Admiral oat, there and then, that he bad better not | | ever: but she has a party next week, and Magy means to be ill in the middle of the | it needless to dispatch any | him to cook up something more spicy for bis next,or he may get recalled; for the |

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PUNCH, OR THE A FRIEND IN NEED. Our Artist, “On! m¥ pgEaR Otp Boy! I’m so cLaD To ser HASNT COME, AND I’M IN A REGULAR FIX; 80, P’RArs Yor my DeaD ARTILLERYMAN FOR AN HOUR OR 580.” | } | THE DEAD LETTERS FOR THE BALTIC. | is a luxury that must, it seems, be paid for as a luxury by our sailors in the Baltic. Oilicial theory says that the | men shall receive their letters for the postage of one penny; but hard | fact announces that twenty-four times that sum shall be exae sted. We have been made acquainted with the contents of a letter from a | seaman on board the fleet to his mother at home, to which, as it may | be applicable to a thousand other cases, we give publicity. It will | serve as a “warning” to the mothers and sisters of mi: any of the | men on whose courage and fidelity all England, and indeed nearly all | the civilised world, has staked its best interests. A sailor writing from | the Baltic to his mother, at the beginning of the month, tells her that | it is expected they will begin work in good earnest on the 10th of | May, and informs her where, if anything happens to him, she may get | the pay that is due to him. ’ But the addition to the letter is the most | touching part of it, and we give it in his own words as nearly as our | memory can carry them :— “ Please don't write any more letters; and tell Sinan (his sister) not to write any more, as we have to pay two shillings a-piece for them when we get them.” } The reflections suggested hy these words we forbear from patting | into type, a3 every reader will find them in his own heart, if he happens to have oue. | “ A LeTr?eR from home” NEW DRAMATIC LICENSE. We hear that a new Proscenium is in course of ~~ at the | Princess’s Theatre. The playhouse was wont to the old sig- nificant motto—Veluli in . That is vulgar: now Ma. Keay has obtained such notoriety for his nr - of French Hobgoblin pieces, that his new Proscenium will bear the following appropriate inscription, approved by the Lord Chamberlain :— CHARLES KEAN, ("LICENSED TO DEAL IN FOREIGN SPIRITS, you! my Monet. WOULDN'T MIND BEING Tax to put a stop to Bruin, LONDON CHARIVARI. ° THE ROW AT THE ROTUNDA. Tw the Town of Dublin, where there’s always bubblin’ e germs of piety and discontent, All the religions met in force prodigious ; Though some litigions, all with one consent. A stern [o cbjaaton Sa the on Ad detention of that le abies e JON oO} Vhich no imagination can express. Ancnsisnor Connex, who nparesived that sullen Hot animosity of rae larning, Geet Hos consgtllto bewnas'el 2500" Bat Fatuer Marsmatz, with a tongue impartial, Paiyce Aveert’s Roya, Hiowwass did attack, Remarks for making, Mother becca that shakin, In coorse was evil spaking behind her back. On treason’s border, he was called to order, Which civil intimation he obeyed, And without staying still went on inveighing, We all hoorayiug at the spache he made. When he had ended the uproar extended, Reynoups blackguarded Lucas like a thief, Aud back to render the abuse, not tender Was that defender of our thrue belief. And then a rumpus quite beyond all compass Arose us boys for unity between ; Sure such a shindy, ’mong the Sikhs i in Indy, Or when the says were windy, ne’er was seen, How them deceivers, and them unbelievers, The heretic Commons, and the haythen Peers, Must take delight in all our seratchin’, bitia’ ; And scandalously fightin’ by the ears ! Scene of contention too absurd to mention !— And that is why my narrative I prune— Of Brass Band braying the idea conveying, The instruments all playing out of tune. GIVING JOSEPH THE GO-BY. Ma. Hvcme wishes the wills, which are at present admirably kept at Doctors’ Commons, to be deposited in a safer and more convenient place. Quite proper. But the veteran reformer poate not stoop to exaggeration. In the debate on the subject, he said— “ With regard to Doctors’ Commons, he had himself examined it yesterday, and the room was so narrow and inconvenient, that it was scareely possible to pass the fifteen or sixteep persuns who were there engaged in making references.” This is obviously an inaccurate statement; for what says the proverb? “ Where there’s a will there’s a way.” . And therefore there must have been a Way for Ma. Hume to pass the fifteen or sixteen examiners of Wills. We trust that he miaess fy this state- ment, the rather that it will give him another opportunity of exposing a locality which deserves all that can be said against it. ANTICIPATED EPITAPH ON THE CZAR. Co the Memory of NICHOLAS, EMPEROR OF ALL THE RUSSIAS. AND EVEN HERE WE Lies. == The Consumer’s Question. THERE was a great talk in the debate on the Malt Tax about its g a “ Consumer's ion.” We don’t know what this may be, but we should think that the most general Lary | the pleasantest one, which every consumer must go t rough the form -, putting, was “ Wuat mave { or To pay?” Goop News ron TextotaLtens.— Government has raised the Malt | | and not always |

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op A aCe ) 2 Di PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL { . ° . ° ° | similarity is particularly observable in the allusion to THE CZAR’S DIABOLICAL SUGGESTION. HE last accounts of NicHoLas re present hi n bles still—in both senses of the phrase. He does| not risk his im- perial skin, and he immolates his im- perial word. The suhjoined epistle to | OsteNn-SacKkEN is | a fresh specime o | of the Ps MPEROR | or Russia’s vera- city; but to de-j| ~ ‘ scribe it as si imply | false would be | doing an injustiec | either to the pro-| found subtlety, or | astonishing foll y; whereby it must on | the one hand or on} the other have been dictated. Observe that it is quoted minus blasphemy. “On the day when the inhabitants of Odessa. united in their orthodox temples, were erating the death of . the allies of the enemies of his . Rame attempted a crime against that city of peace and commerce, against that city where all Europe in er years of dearth bas always found open granaries. The fleets of France and England bombarded for twelve hours our batteries and the habitations of our peaceful citizens, as wellas the merchant ‘ships in the harbour. Bat onr brave trop ws, led by you fin p and per trated by a profound faith im the supreme Proreetor of justice, gloriously i the of the enemy against the soil which in Ape st olic times re ceived | cursor of the Christian religion in our holy country. rn firmnene and devotion of our troops, inspired by your example, have wd with complete suceess, the city has been saved from destruction, and the | “ott have disappeared. Asa worthy recompense for so brilliant an action | it you the Orver of St. Andrew, } “ St. Petersburg, April 21 (May 3).” “ NICHOLA In this style after his first lesson—not from Mr. Lewis, but from | Aven irs Doxpas and Hameuon does the Czar write. He says that | he allied fleets bombarded the habitations of the peaceful citizens, and | th merchant ships inthe harbour, when if is notorious that they spared | both. He asserts that the enemy was gloriously repelled, whereas the French and English retired after having silenced the batteries with a loss of some two or three men killed, and considerably under thirty wounded between them, And thus, he adds, the city was saved from destruction, although he had just before said that it had been bom- barded for twelve hours. A lie so inconsistent we English never | hear told, exce pt in a felon’s dock; but Nature asserts herself wonder- | fully: and the same incongruity of falsehood appears in the burglar who stands in ank e-jacks, and the greater villain who stalks in jacks of larger dimensions; in Butt Sixes and in Nicx Romasorr. Probably if RomMaNorr were to come to be hanged, as, if caught, the objection to capi'al punishment in the abstraet is the only reeson why he should not be, he would, precisely as some of our desperate ruffians do, persist in ‘an impudent denial of his crimes to the very last. However, the object of these remarks is not to moralize on the Czar’s immorality, but to expose his ¢raft—assuming the foregoing letter to betray the knave and not the foot. To affirm that onr ships were beaten, to declare that they bombarded the city and the mer- 1antmen, whereas the facts were just the reverse, what object can th se falsehoods have had, but to tempt the two Admirals to put instantly back to Odessa, and show Nicno. AS that he is not to brag and lie with ym at their expense, by razmg the city, whence he says they were repelled, to the round, and blowing every Russian vessel to atoms? And then the Emperor might have arraigned us at the bar of European opinion for the barbarity which he would have provoked us to commit, and whieh, doubtless, we might commit to any extent, on his subjects, for aught he would care, so long as it answered his purpose. But t st not our brave sailors be tempted by the adversary to give them this handle. The next Russian city they attack, they must feel themselves strongly instigated to leave not one stone upon another. But never may Britons suffer the Imperial brute to drag them down to the level of his own ruffianism. At least, let them direct their fire on no dwelling-house, unless they have good reason to suspect that it | | contains the Czar. | the flourishes of his Hoxrygss with the lies of his Wickepwess. Its florid character giv e3 One more word as to the Imperial style. —not that we mean to com it a strong resemblance to the | throughout the Church. i to call him. | instead an “ Emperor’s Beer Juz,” in consequence of the Russian war, ce the soil which in Apostolic times,” &e. Can it be that Nicnoxas believes bimself to be the Porr. Does a dash of madness really mingle with the rascality of the blasphemous old repro bate ? IMPROVEMENTS IN ARMY CLOTHING. Ix consequence of the immense success of the cap invented for the Guards to pull down over the eyes, we understand it is intended— | sacrificing appearance alt te comfort—to substitute for the head-dress at present wora by the Line and the Militia. a plain cotton nightcap. In this regulation, one Object which has been in view | is to conciliate Manchester, and yeeoncile it in some measure to the imerease of the Army. Many other ridiculous alterations in military | costume ate also ee ; it heing considered that to go | anout hed practises a soldier's courage, 30 that the officer or man who has been accustomed to expose himself in the shcll- | jaeket, or the Albert may be expected to face anything. RUSSIAN PASS WORD. A ost unhappy indiseretion, To use a moderate expression, Has Russia’s ‘pol to be pict His subjects— c war, thro Jamereifally by p Goaded es ery Oo ine, ae ew They dail The sim nA creatures ap aie this cor Libation to their Monarch’s s gory Oh! could one ray of reason righten Their imtellects, t “f darkness J spams To —— thus, the Deplerable, and Rl Dida And quickly would an observation From mouth to mouth pass of with lonoaon Suggestive, though expressed wit * NICHOLAS is an inconvenience.” “A Money-Making Parson.” Prince ALBert’s denunciation of this animal—the nominal Christian dove become the acquisitive magpie—has made a great sensation ‘The Bisnor or Loypow has expressed a deep sense of gratefulness for the condition to which it has pleased Providence Had he remained a parson, what money he might have made! Rising to the purer height of a Bishopric, what money he has | refused to make! The amount is said to be quite unknown. Gladstone’s Presentation Plate. We have. lost the “ Emperor’s ~— at Ascot, but we have got or, thanks to Nicnonas, Englishman's Beer-Jug will cost more to have it filled now than it formerly. By the by, it would be only a generous thing for the CHANCELLOR OF THRE Excurquer, in reward for the proper spirit that was displayed im throwing up the Cup, to present Ascot with an “ Exrexor’s Moe ”—the Mug to be made as handsome as national indignation would allow, and to be paid out of the pessoa of the additional duty on Malt. Prejudiee in Sport made Friendship in Earnest. We recollect there was a game at school called “French and English,” and this game consisted in two taking hold of a-rope, and pulling — one another as hard as ever they could. However, this game must be altered now, and afresh name found for it, con- sidermg that the French and English at present are holding on the | same line of policy, and pulling the same way in the most friendly | manner. “Whose Pocket is to be Picked?” Tris was the question drammed into Ministers’ ears by Ma. Davx- sow, loud in his condemnation of the malt tax. “ Whose Pocket ?” Whereupon Cotonet Sistionr observed to his neighbour—* Why the pockets of hops of course.” The wag! pe be can’t help Tallow pm QvoraTion oF THE Mowgy Manx anyhow we can keep pidieeas, ——— ——

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Mg LO pe OE UNUM MAND \ fF > ; (Gee ay’ a 8 j ; ~. ide A! | ye: iit i) Sh Las, “ee \ 4 yy ) 2 READY WHEN WANTED ih. we Y { j j 7 \ . > 5 AF Fi Ai) 3 -, Iii (ie Wr. Y SN ” ‘ “ta ~~ SS ~_ ve, _ ‘ ~ — ee PP +A ve fe ; 4 s , r - » eo. f - 2° DS j ci Vy ~" by XS / = Lei \ 4% ia 4 : a mi Ld ~! iar a * nhs , > . 4 x 5, A oy ae « t/t) A TAS Fae . x ‘al PZ (Fe yal 7 & 7, 1354.) 2 Mayr

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(Puncn, No, 672, ae la eS; e< — aa =~ 4/, MiG Unt? ii, t Pe, & ee a

Wy fa i} } iy i i Lei a yt Thiisa’ eA! lh i4iy A \ Yess atin.

DMR, MILITIA’ VOLUNTEERS.

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PUNCH, OR THE LO it i 14 j . | GETTIN YERSELF MISTOOK FoR a Horseriper at Hastiney’s, on rae Musrctay a8 Gors to Hevewmn Pantizs.” | i | “Lor, ADOLPHUS, YOU’RE NEVER «-Gorn To !——way You'Lt BH | |

THINGS IN THE WATER. “ Mr. Punon, “1 ama loyal subject, and shall this very day—the birth-da of Her Masesty—drink her gracious health upstanding, te mm | in a bumper of pump-water. Therefore, in the few lines I feel com- pelled to put upon paper, you must not believe that I am a low Radical ; quite the reverse, whatever that may be. | “TY am, Sir, a teetotaller. and consequently the overseer of the | | morals of my neighbours. If I drink toast-and-water, what right has any else to tipple thick, treacly stout? If, in a state of hilarity— | for such moments will arrive—I quaff a bottle of ginger-veer, that very | jocund circumstance should touch the rest of the world with a wide and deep disgust for Bass’s bitter. If I wear a water-lily in my holiday button-hole, let no man flaunt before the world that bacchanalian flower denominated sops-in-wine. “ And this, Sir, logically—for if anything makes a man logical, it is water—logically brings me to my argument. Last Saturday, Sir, the | Royal Albert was launched at Woolwich ; to which I have no objection —altogether the contrary. But, Sir, as a patriot and a teetotaller, I must protest against the heathen custom of christening a ship with wine—intoxicating wine. Our wooden walls, Sir, are made of oak ; oaks, I need hardly perhaps inform you, grow from acorns. You might as well water the acorns with gin, as baptize the full-grown oaks with sherry. The + of this, Sir, must strike you; or I have taken the ry little pw s

pledge to ve rpose. Well, Sir, the Queen baptized the ship ; but I give you t ing account from the newspapers :— “< Sr Jamus Grantawt explained to Hen Masestry the mode of performing the bap- tismal rite, and te bottle was pointed out to her, with due directions as to the mode of brealing the same, and of christening the good ship. The bottle was a small one, of dear crystal, yiLLep WITH sHERRY, covered with Giick Honiton lace and having two wreaths of roses, thistles, and shamrocks entwined rownd it, and attached near the top and hettom iy cast atitwean suspended in its proper position. To the great del Of the assembled spectators the QueEw herself advanced to the bows of | the ship, and Mx. Wiitiam M'Paensow Rice, mastershipwright, | into Hem Masesry'’s hands, and after two ineffectual attem falling oe. the metal plate agaifiet which it was to be broken by Haw Maszsry, who at the same moment bless the Roya Albers /”* | “Now, Sir, I am not a superstitious man; on the contrary, whatever cobwebs of that sort I may have had within me have long “7 been | rinsed ont, so that pure reason shines through mée—wherever | find it —like the sun through a eticumber frame. I am not superstitious ;| but [ do ask you,—if we are not to tremble for the destiny of the Royaé) Albert sent into the wide waters with a bottle of sherry—(as for the size, that’s nothing ; it might be a physic phial or a magnum, | think the intem call it)—with a bottle of sherry im his figure head? With such an amount of intoxieating fluid there, is it to be expected that the Royal Albert will—as sailors say~answer his helm? Is it hed, the bottle was | y exclaimed, “Gop |we put the 219 NDON CHARIVARI. even to be aged that he won’t roll in Be pons of the sea? Is it to f a moment ties ving hi al Highness) he will behave well? By no means. vig pends of liquor continually about him, he’ll be always missing stays, and coutheuelly falling foul of everything. That figure-head drugged with sherry must continually sleep upon the middle watch, and—I believe I am right, Sir, in the phrase- will never have a sharp look-out for 7. ¥ - As for sailing in the | wind’s it’s impossible ; for sherry, Sir, sherry is only another word for blind intoxication. . a moral may be in that immoral ceremony! Consider, tle a is ‘covered with fine thick Honiton Sir, that a picture of temptation arrayed in i m right) to betray the for DaLiLan, the ? As for the “two

F ib onde a matter wpe man an. Contessions Lams. Not but what this m improved into “fie Confessions of the Drunkard, Caaasae® Lame.’ This may not be mere truth ; but intemperance is not to be met by simple truth: at ti nkenness must be coaxed. “The illustrious author of Truth in a Well, in sia Buckets ; at ds. 6d. per bucket (the water is so astringent, so binding upon veracity), the author of that deep, pure serial, is carrying confusion into the ranks of the tipplers. He reminds me of that beautiful picture of the gallant fireman, young Hiccinortom : “ «Still o’er his head, while fate he braves, His whizzing water-pipe he waves,’ Not only does he drown a living poet as never rat was drowned, but he empties his bucket—and all for our glorious eause—npon a new-made grave. He swamps that bit of earth with the greatest respect for the dead, and with the lively hope, I’m sure of it, that lilies and violets will grow the thicker for the watering. “Thus, Sir, continually recruiting from amongst the most chosen spirits of the day (I should rather say diamonds of the first water), the cause of teetotalism at all and any cost of what is called by its enemies decency, charity, and truth—the cause strikes root, and lifts its head up sweet and fresh as a morning daisy. “ Hoping, Mr. Punch you will—for the benefit of the Navy in future —always set yourself against the bottle of sherry at every launch dinner, I remain “ Your weil-wisher, * May 20, 1854.” “ Joun-1n-tue-W ater,” Mr. Punch cheerfully gives insertion to the somewhat incoherent communication of Joun; but, at the same time, must express his belief that Jown is one of the self-deecived many, who believe that if they drink only at the pumps of life, they are therefore guiltless of its vanities. As for the distinguished author of Truth ina Well, a man —it is Mr. Paneh’s opimi be as fond of water, and water only, as aduck: and nevertheless, like the duck, do nothing but deal im * Quack, Quack ! ”” =

A Popular War. Wao can say that the present war is not’ a popular one? Will even Messns. Baicut and Coppyn take upon themselves to contradict so general, so —s a fact, when it is publicly known "that the British troops on starting for the East were, to a man, ¢/rown into transports, and that, when they landed there they were also found in the same te |

Bow asp wow ! Wuew the Puseyites do nothing but bow, and bow, and bow, Mr, Punch’ s dog Poby can do no other than ow, and wow, and wow.

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O Jonunnte brew'd a peck o’ maut, There ’s Turkey’s moon, I ken her horn, Cres And Pat and Sawney cam’ to see; Th PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. OCEAN TWO-SHILLING POST.) letter to the Baltic is 2s.; that this is the sum charged for a few lines from home to a common sailor: that so much has Jack to pay for a line from his old woman, or his young woman, or youngsters neither women nor men as yet? You expect Jack to be always at his Post; to _; to it, to die at it if nece: ; you require Jack to maintain | all these relations to his Post, and yet you | fix your Post in a fatioof 2s.tohim. “‘ Come |two to one” is @ defiance hurled at the |enemy in one’of Drepr’s sea-songs ; and it | will doubtless be repeated by every one of | Naprer’s naval heroes ; but that is no reason why you should charge two Bos to one Jack. Moreover, grievous complaints are made that |the Baltie Postman is disgracefully _ slow, besides inflicting this tremendous double rap on the sailor’s pocket, Is it for this that our income-tax is multiplied by two, and an ad- ditional copper put on our pewter? A two shilling Post is too much fora Post Captain, to say nothing of @ Jacx-Tar: and an Ad- miralty that allows such extortion to be practised on British Tars, deserves to be tarred and feathered. Shakspeare to the Ladies. Try Shade-of Mas Writtam Suakspedne, late of Stratford-on-Avon;-presents his com- pliments to the. ladies, and begs to refer [them to a short speech written by him for a | certain Hamlet, and addressed to one Csric. | The speech is this :— } “ ¥our bomet to its right use.” Hold Hard. Iw a Biographical Sketch of a lately deceased cent in the lift sae hie, ‘Three valiant hearts, the lee-lang night, They fought the Czar 0’ Muscovie. We are na’ fou, we’re na war-fou, But just hae Cossacks in our e’e ; Auld Nick to thraw the stoup we’ll draw, The noo we’ve taxed the barley-bree. Here are,we met, three freeborn boys, Three frechorn boys, I frow, are we, And mony a day we free hae been, And mony mair we hope to be! We are na’ fou, &e. To cloud her is the Tyrant’s aim, But, by my sooth, he ’Il wait a wee! We are na’ fou, &e. Wha spares for whosky’s rise, awa’! A carefu’ coward loon is he; Whad@ars beside his chair to fa’ ? We'll dang the Czar, amang us three. We are na’ fou, we’re nae war-fou But just hac Cossacks in our e’é; Auld Nick to thraw the stoup we’ll draw, The noo we ’ve taxed the barley-bree. notice. . In return, Wr. Punch prom | Professor we are told that “ he held his chair | for nearly fifty years.” This is evidently a | mistake, for it must be obvious, that instea:! | of the Professor having held his chair for half a century, his chair must have held him. | WHOLESOME GLASS, Witz it be believed that the postage of a | Tue cup thit cheers but not imebriates | may be the tea-cup; but the glass to which that deseription is applicable is the Crystal Palace. ‘ses that if he should see anything like it in THE SUN AND HIS IMITATORS. Ma. Lowe, of the Highfield Observatory, whose letters to the Zimes seem to prove that he possesses the faculty ascribed to some animals of seeing the wind, assures us that the Sun has lately held a levee, at which five mock suns, his courtiers, were present. These reflected lights showed their sabserviency, in that they kept their long tails, (which we must take to have been their trains) care- fully turned away from their Lord and Master—a mark of | respect which was the more remarkable as it was shown to the setting San. Doubtless, if the Sun had any spots on his face, the mock Suns wore patches to be like him, or induced the rosy-fingered Avrowa to rouge their visages until they equalled his in rabicundity. The Sun is also said to have sported three rings on this oceasion, but as | they very soon vanished, it is clear they were only runaway rings, and we have very little doubt that the runaway rings of that evening were matched by the runaway Nox next morning. “Cumuli clouds,” says Mr. Lowe, in his curt trun- cated phraseology—“ Cumuli clouds near the phenomenon. After the sunset cloudless.” Of course it was! When the clouds had seen all they wanted to see, they went home to bed. However, it must have been a very pretty spectacle, and Pusch hopes that, when anything of the kind is next to be seen, Mr. Lowe will give him Fiect Street, he will immediately say, “Lo! here it is, has been degraded to the rank of private, for having treasonously boasted that Le could throw a hatchet further than the Emperor. |

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PUNCH, OR THE LON RIVARL | LOVE THE LORD MAYOR! (Song, supposed to have been Improvised after Dinner at the Mansion House on @ recent occasicn) ‘s BY THE LORD CuUIEF JUSTICE, . ne 7 “4 = - N MV / 4 7 wi mg Rote ti ‘oa i af i be WALLA \ I rove the Lonp Mayor with his chain of gold, And his Ninth of November Show, It has all come down from the days of old, And down may it ever go. I love the City, the jolly old place ! rhe Cap of Maintenance, and the Mace. I love the old Aldermen, brave old boys, my! their shadows be never less ! And their good old fashioned convivial joys, I love them, I must confess, Traditional turtle, and venison haunch, And capon to line his Worship’s paunch. J love the Recorder, the Sheriffs too, The Remembrancer likewise, * The Swordbearer is a hero who Is glorious in my eyes ; And my esteem and my reverence For the City Marshal are immense. The Toastmaster, and the Loving Cup, . “ I one ne right = ; _ And may Swanhopping be still kept u Whilst the i tide shall pa I love the Mansion House, and Guildhall, Aud Goce and Maceoe, I love it all. I love the magnificent Civie Barge, With paint and gold that flames, “Ma. Pusca, “Iv you please I am a litile ‘Blue,’—that is I am a little Blue-coat school E Loxp Mayor Stoxey, who owes me a bum and a s illing, | said to be fond of a.grim joke, why not make it Andrew ?” have if you piease to complain as also fo all the other Hlues; and F do hope that you will try aad get it for me, as six of us : ae always take you in. So, there’s a good fellow, put our halfpennies together every week, give a chap a leg. “Tt wasn’t our fault that Lomp Mayor Srpwey wasn’t clected. better that a rcal Duke—(isn’t he a big one, too”) that wears a red coat and is gone to bleed for his country, as we say pro patria mori,—wonuld be fitter. helmet against tea-pot—laurels against sloe-leaf’—and so the Duke got it. reason, as I say, that Lonp Mayor Srpxey should spit his spite upon us Blues, and not give us the shilling and the bun, which have always been given, as from the time up when Wurttrxetow and his Cat was shabby, I wouldn’t, if I was a Lord Mayor! Only a shilling, too, and by rights—(as Isaac oe we NNW ae . ~ oe And floats the old citizens, and their large Proportioned, blooming dames. My love for the Civie Coach of State, And liveries blazing, is no less great. I love the old notion of grand display, And feeding rich and gross, And I love the City Arms, I say, And Domine, dirige Nos ! A dagger gales on an argent field, Good luck to the good old gallant shield ! The Metage I love, and I love the tolls, And [ love all the City dues, I rejoice in paying the tax on coals, Which the journalists abuse ; I am willing and happy to help maintain The pomp of the Civic Monarch’s reign. I love St. Stephen’s, I love St. Paul’s; May never Improvement mar The little that ’s left of the City walls, I love dear old Temple Bar ; And deelare the proposal to pull it down High Treason against the Civic Crown. I love all those banners, and all that plate, And | love that enormous pine, And those heaps of fruit ; I will also state “oe I love ay ood wine. ay such good things here ever abound, And here is my love to all around ! THE SHILLING THAT SIDNEY DID NOT “ BLEED.” Lord Mayor. -|ates it diBoult , and I suppose it was thought As Jem Toces said—It was But that is no L heard Monitor Campen say, Well, L wouldn’t be GaesuamM says—he’s a monitor, and such a head for arithmetic)—according to the rise of money from that time, the shilling ought to be at least ten pounds—about which there is penny talk Risso LE — going V Negpe os —at least t what the shilli and the bun phage we ask for. say “ Please, Mr, Punch, give us a help. And could you put in a picture of the Loup Mayor —® Tegular eut you —Lonp Sipwey buttoming up his pocket with the shilli i ide of it, and the outside not al to in_ the F the *. “Ps. iid ok ¥ in, well more copies taht frst say th some of us are aw in ¥ according to the ancient custom of the maker dial owe vey coe oy Se eet Sm ans do pitch into the TO THOSE WHOM IT MAY CONCERN, With very pleasurable emotion seen a subscription set on foot for our soldiers’ | wives and children. Sach a cause needed no eloquence to plead it, and a whole page of the Times filled with names of subscribers is a has met with a sufficient proof that the Chari has nobly liberal response. done her duty, and has become trustee for the | fatherless and widows—as far at least as her army is conce’ r Neverthelsss Punch has still a couple of questions to ask his readers—he means, of course, the British nation generally. ‘The first of these is, Have we no Sailors? And the second, Have our Sailors no children ? We are lyrically told, we know, that “ There's a sweet little cherub sits amiling aloft, To keep watch for the life of poor J ace. his life, even in fighting against Russians. And in such i be kept from the workbouss. Surely then, with respect to the subscriptions aforesaid, we ought to speak with emphasis of the / ‘nited Service. Osten-Sacken Decorated. Tue Czar has decorated the General for his glorious vietory at Odessa; a victor crowned by the destruction of the French English and the capture of oe spective crews, now ou way, marching te the music of their fetters, to Siberia. The order sent ay spnonss to the conqueror was the “Order of St. Andrew.” As Nicuotas is the “ Order of St. Merry TRUE TO THE LETTER, Coxswenise the delays that oecur in sending out letters to our sailors now on active service, we cannot help suggesting, as a free translation of the familiar quotation, Litera Scripta Manct—a \etter written (for the Baltic) remains (at the Post Office.) Nevertheless poor Jack does sometimes lose | case we are not informed by what | cherubic influence his widow and orphans will | |

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euarasrey wane me eet ee UNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | 229 P luntruth, Suppose that in the midst of all this lazy enjoyment of | PUNCH AMONG THE PAINTERS. No.3. | sunshine and sea air, these lounging ladies and flirting widows, and ‘ | vaeant old gefftlemen, and fussy old ladies, and happy sand-pie-making Ly the rooms at last—and recovering from the glare of gilt frames,’ children, and their suite of Savoyards, and mountebanks, and donkey and the blaze of searlet coats and red robes, and the supernatural lights | drivers, you had introduced, say some pallid, sickly darling of a young on ladies’ hair, and the dead white and carmine of naked bodies! mother, brought from the reeking city to the sea-side in the faint hope Oh for a dewy sward under my feet, green shade and silence about of bringing back the blood to the pale cheek, and the fullness to the me, and sweet air to breathe, matead this blaze of canvasses, this | thin pulse, with the mother hovering about it, absorbed in her feeble flush of spring bounets-—thie buss of low yoices, and shuffle of many | charge, forgetiing all the gaiety and movement round her, or only feet—this villainous atmosphere of earhonic acid gas. What wonder! remembering it in the effort to kimdle interest and amusement in her tuat my eye turns gratefully to that full-fed stream-bank, where the | ailing ttle one. By this or some such meident, you might have | water-gras-es, and bushy willows, and graceful birches come crowding | supplied the note of human affection whieh is wanting to make up every down to look at themselves in the still water, leaden with reflection of | ete harmony of common life, and by help of this the gaiety and the ihunder-clouds, from under whyeh the sun gleams out with | eee of your full-grown folks and lusty gladness devez chil- watery eye upon the sumamer fallows? _ ‘ A wonld have acquired a double value. Ilere is the very landseape 1 was prays for; I need not look into aving done so much, however, I /yave no right to quarrel with you my eatelegue to see that it i marked with the mame of Awtowy.| for not having dowe more, nor do I mean what | have said in the way True, down to the leathern guiters of that lazy old bailiff or keeper, | of dinpernapment or dissatisfaction, the contrary, I am thankful reclining, careless of rheumatism, by the young man jm , t@| to you, 80 is the public. their delight cheer you on to better whom he has entrusted his gun, and who, I regret te Pa ics things of the same kind. More ski common life eannot 7 slouching for a shot at the innocent water-hens. gress | be, but may find deeper th im it, and chapters that shal! W thoy | edaie's & qeoloneller ond eete Goalline ened in there whe Game vanish them both with aches and cramps, as it as a lie there long. ‘The painter has painted nobler landscapes, never 2! to look snd to admire, trner one, and the aspect of the s ae the character of the ion, aud | ~ whole “ lay” of t mee ae aithful wwansarnets A . —— t is true that they the slippery eonventiona a. Ler, who writes R.A. after his name, which Mr. Antwowy not; true THE MUSICAL OPERATIVES. | also, that to chasten any pleasure with which the reeogmition of honest =o eyes and minds might reward the painter, the Committee Eg have. now two have rejeeted the other pictures he sent—“ pour e: 4) ye operas in full swin. On the same paternal principle, too, it may be that 28 ~—or, rather, in full Desert March has been hung well out of sight over the entranee-door. > OMS am opera But it serves him right. fias Mr. Apranam Cooper painted Arabs, we, and their tents, ard their mares, and their “ maidens,”—as | am sure and the other an he calls them—for every exhibition these twenty years, and is he to} for the mil- he faced out of countenance by a young whipper-snapper, who dares to . Both are suc- put desert ground under his horse’s feet, and a desert sun in the sky, | cessful, and yet both and to fling blue desert shadows over the hot ground—whose Arabs are | pa A gr = ’ e * Long, and Jean, aod brown, | Royal Italian Opera pa-sand,” . wt As is the ribbed sea-sand, being distinguished instead of the sleek gentlemen at eightcenpence per hour, with whom | Mr. Asranuam Coorer delights to people the Sahara? At their| peril whodare to attempt, and—still worse—to succeed, in Arab subjects | | when Ma. Apnanam Coorer is of the Hanging Committee ? But one word to Mr. Guassg. Why paint Cewr de Lions and| Saladins, when you might paint dba Youssoufs and Sidi El Hamets 7 | Wherein is a March of Crusaders a more kindly subject for the brush, | than a Cajileh on its way to Bl Caaba ; or a Toorkman horde on chappow ardon my parade of Orientalism; but I have been bitten by| othen”’ and Mr. Lavarp—or a Desert tribe shifting its quarters on | the Metidjah ? Why go back to the imagined thing, when the reality subsists in forms as full of colour, and with the actualities of visible existence about it, toboot? I am the more urged to ask this question, because I faney that I can see, in the Exhibition of this year, that our painters are beginning to show an apprehension of this trath—that for Art to be a living thing amongst us, she must deal -with subjects and themes from life, or at Jeast subjects in which the universal life of humanity is reflected, though the garb and period be not our own. I hasten with pleasure to note every symptom of this happy change, and as the pleasantest and most masterly example, 1 do not need that dense ring of appreciating lookers-on—every one a critic—to guide me to Mr, Fritu’s picture of Ramsgate Sands. Shake hands, Mr. Farru. Allow me to introduce you to Mr. Joun LEEcH, a gentleman who has been painting in black and white, year re | after year, month after month, w after week, graceful, true, and | | homely pictures of English life, but not more graceful, true, or homely, than this beautiful work of yours. Can I give you bigher praise than | to say that this is a picture after his own heart, (with the addition of un- | matehed dexterity in the use of the painter’s tools,) alike exquisite in | colour, drawing, and arrangement, Afr, Punch hails in you a brother illustrator of the life round about us; not by any means a heroic life; unromantic enough in its employments, tame and vulgar enough in its amusements, poor and colourless in the eat and hue of its clothes, but | still human, after your fashion and mine—something every one who | comes here can understand and feel a living sympathy with, such as was never yet felt for all the gallants of the time of CuaRLes THE Secoxp, and Lours tae FPourrgentn, and Grorce Tue Frast, on whom you have beem’so long wasting your great skill and fine sense of humour. Why not, having thus: begun, go on and be the Hocanrnu of | our day and generation ? at Drury Lane, where, if everything is not quite first “ fashionable arrangements ” of the cheap establishment. are worn at the eatin oi be nakgted of tosh | , that we trast some by its distingué air, while Drury Lane | yg to a public a less exclusive character. We are quite sure there is room for both, and | we are di to welcome tlie estab- lishment of a cheap opera such as that -rate, it is excellent | We must warn the directors, however, against ping away by | degrees from their original plan of a “ shilling has been rather suddenly ad boxes, and there are symptoms of a small disposition to ape the of the other house which, though all very well at the Opera, par excellence, are not likely to improve the prospects | An announcement has been enforcing the rules as to evening costume in certain parts of the house according to the plan adopted at Her f people are to be victimi t inconveniences which make up what is ealled “ evening dress,” entailing “low necks” on the ladies and “light kids” on the gentlemen rendering it necessary to make an expensive and uncomfortable thing | of what onght to be a cheap and pleasant amusement, the affair will | sink into a hollow sham, and a very empty one too, instead of growing | into a suecessful realit v People who have plenty of occupation in the day, don’t want an hour’s work in getting themselves up, regard hear a little good music in the evenmg. We are not the advocates of muddy highlows and bearskin coats as an a) theatre, but we have also an aversion to taw and mosaic jewellery on the men, with e \ which reveal, by a terrifie odour of turpentine, the cleaning process which has been resorted to. , By the way, while we are on the su inst the admission i | wearing round their chests leather str such as the Police regula- Here, it is true, youhave chosen a subject which confines you, mainly, | tions require to be worn by busmen to the trivial and common-place ; a cockney dolce far nieade is all you with which these leathern str can make of it, with such touehes of humour and satire as that admits, ease for an opera-glass ; but but with very small room for emotion or affection. Yet even in this the cab-rank way something might have been done without jarring against an‘ houses to put an end to the practice. y an extra | ded to the price of one tier of | put forth about sand the Royal Italian | aving to resort to all the | of outlay, in order to priate costume for the | finery on the women, ves on the hands of both | ic costume, we se, of individuals vers. The pretence to carry a

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| other thoroughfare in London; for it provides them with the greatest number of neverending sehool-bolsters CHARIVARI. 223 |beyond an additional gallon of oil in some old THE BOYS AND THE LAMPS. lamps on an older device ?)—and this was enough ‘to excite enthusiasm. | The first boy who came was a sturdy chap lof six. He no jacket ; and his trowsers, the feet of which began where their normal knees had originally been, were kept up, in a wonderful manner, by half a brace. He took possession of the high kerb-stone against the foot of the lamp- , and there he sat. It was his private box. “ omnibus” next arrived. They also oceupied the edge of the pavement, with their feet in the gutter; but they were not com- fortable. There was a troublesome spirit = = |them in a comforter, crossed over an old feather tippet, and a Gi cap, that had been worn till it was demi-glob m shape, more like a grey fex without a tassel. He was, by dint of superior strength and the fulerum of the lamp- post, constantly pushing the whole party along S the kerb, as the clown does the bodies of the —-y foreign, and constabulary victims in ront of Punck’s show. He had learned it from them. At last, a bigger boy carrying a bird- cage—who had evidently been expected back, wherever it was, for the last half-hour—pitched the Glengarry into the road. The owner rose i to get it; the rank closed up, and he was de- ) posed. He immediately tried to take possession of the private box at the lamp-post, and a combat was the result, which ended in both being nearly run over by a Hansom, and so dis . An encampment of light infantry was now sct up, consisting of four street ba and their nurses, — united ages rays mrpeppuntes to 25. The tenacity of life in these babies was TxE street into which the windows of our club look is more favoured by the boys than any os a They were pitched about like , : : prepared for a match ; and thrown ia ony erp om There * not oS ree, may me aA — ox pay to see, — over the shoulders like Seotch plaids; and let the boys do not in their own simpler style, see here for nothing. The Polytechnic with its f,jj on the paving-stones; and dragged up b uew inventions in science and mechanics is paralleled by the tin locomotives with the cotton- | their one 7 oy a nerally ned “s bes | wool smoke that run up aud down the board; the properties of condensed air are shown in kept up a wonderful hilarity through it all, the Pop-goes-the-Weasel pistols—the elasticity of metals by the penny Bogies with the trying to clutch their nurses’ noses, and dig out hideous red heads and white rabbits’ fur wigs who spring out of the boxes ; and the power of their eyes, and crowing and laughing, and suffer- the lever by the company of frogs who are for ever jerking themselves up by their cobbler’s ing from indigestion, and wanting their noses wax’d tails, from the tea-tray. The Kolner Manner Gesang Verein does not amuse its refined piown perpetually | audiences so much as the Ethiopian Masieal Union, with its quartette party of banjo, fiddle,| 4}j this time the lighting up went on to the tambourine, and bones, does the boys: they fraternise as freely with the sable Exta, in the | admiration of the audience: and at last there high shirt collar and drugget trowsers, who conducts from the-opposite kerb, as the patricians| was a very good “ House.” But the want of do with the real director on the sofas at Wit.ts’s. : | incident im the spectacle soon began to be appa- The boys also find their Zoological Gardens (when somebody else gives a penny) in the | rent. The boys got restless and quarrelsome : Happy Family. There is nothing so amusing in the Regent’s Park as the raven who cannot! we saw the wisdom of the French Government balance himself on his perch because the monkey has tugged all the feathers from his tail.| in constantly keeping the people amused. ‘They When the snow and frost came, whilst the street was yawning for its new sewers and gas-| bothered the babies, and commenced such wanton | pipes, they had all the excitement of crossing the (ilacier des Bossus brought to their own and unprovoked attacks upon the weaker powers | doors for nothing. Manzo is not so great to the subscribers in 4 te O cara, as CHANTING! 4, the Emperor or Russta might have been | Jor in Ben Bolt ; and the Philharmonic Orchestra is as nothing by the side of the brass-band | proud of. At last when astar at the corner flared | at the gin-shop. up all at once, in gas, they gave a cheer and ran People pay to see Zulu Kaffirs—the boys hear the Lascar perform on the oyster-barrel drum | off in a body, ‘one haviar us to reflect upon | for nothing. There is a huge organ comes occasionally with a moving series of views in front the instability of public favour, which is all very | that forms at once the boys’ Gallery of Illustration and Cyclorama and Promenade Concert. | wel} till a brighter star slene, and the old favourite Their Chiswick Féte is the long barrow of musk, mignionette, and geraniums that °S| woes down’ at once without even a recollection. slowly along the street ; their Hoiland Park Gathering the feats of the acrobats (whom folks [or if men are but children of a larger growth, saw for money at Christmas in brighter dresses in the Pantomime), accompanied by the two then is the conduct of the boys greatly to be | Scoteh boys with the ipes; and there is not a “screaming farce” at any theatre that regarded, | provokes such roars as Mr. Punch, when after a severe chastisement on the back of his head | —= | what the boys in our street saw for nothing when | and unknown influence amongst street children, they began at once to assemble. Our) | attention was first called to the fact, by a troop of six or seven, who came out of a court in| e says, “ How hard the wind blows!” And, lastly, no pyrotechnical display at the Surrey Gardens, or Vauxhall ever came up to Perfect Abandonment. the oil-and-coloufman’s was burnt down. | ; SASS Talk of the Panopticon Fountain, with its 97 feet column of water—the great brewery Nicuotas complains, in his St. Petersburg engine that night sent its jet above 120! The boys again had the best of it. } Journal, of certain expressions being brought But they were never so much in their glory as they were in this street, on the evening Up im judgment against him, which were never | of the Queey’s birthday. (May they grow ap to men, and still find pleasure in the same intended seriously at the time, but were simply anniversary.) We a crown, and a Y and an R—all in good old-fashioned variegated thrown off in the freedom of conversation, and lamps; not that flaunting, flaring, flashing, flickering, flitting, flaming, fluctuating, — the unguarded familiarity of gentlemanly “ aban- gas affair, that. somebody said, on the dingy fronts of the houses, always looked like a don.” In our opinion, “abandon” is the very brooch on a dirty man in corduroys—but the device of infancy and Vauxhall, and the Crown expression hest suited to the case, for, as con- and Anchor ball-room of the days when we went to fairs. The boys lingered about the street strued by the words and acts of Nicnotas, it | all day long, and we could observe from time to time they criticised the arrangement means the entire abandonment of “a Gentle- from the pavement opposite. But the excitement began when the oily man arrived with man,” whieh is precisely the fault he—poor | the ladder to light up. By that mysterions communication, which acts with some subtle injured Saint—is accused of. marching order, singing a measured chorus of “Ba-val-loon/ Ba-bal-loon! Ba-baldoon!”| Gatsant Sovrs.—The Militia regiments have There was no balloon in the air to evoke the ery, as we had sometimes seen on summer evineed so much spirit that to give it employ- Mondays. But there was, we imagine, a link with a “gala ”—(what is a “gala” practically, ment they are going to be embodied. VOL. XXVI. Z ——— ee eee ieeds

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PUNCH, ‘OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. —-- —— - — - —— RUSSIAN COOKERY. HALF-AND-HALF JUSTICE. wpER this head may be included three dishes ; A Potice case reported in the papers of the 18th instant seems to 1s to contain far too good a joke to be lost. We therefore willingly one provided expressly | secure it immortality ®y insertion in our columns. for the Czar: another! One Trworsy Regex, a tailor, but described nevertheless as “ a tall prepared for discussion ” werful fellow,” was charged with hav ing brutally assaulted his amongst Foreign Minis-|., 2% ¢iderly woman with grey hair.” The outrage is thus described by tte tim ae the policeman :— ters and Consuls, and a third done n for the “ The woman was stretéhed upon ti ground, and the man, who was holding her by - . = — = the legs, was in the act of Sheowing her out of the room. The moment he caught sig swallow of the BR i) of me he ran back into thetoom and slammed the door to. I turned the woman ver | people. ‘The dishes al found she was perfectly senseless, her mouth full of blood, and her tongue, which was jnite black, was protruding twe inches from her mouth. I held her head in my lap for tuded to are so many Ver- about « quarter of an hour, @uriag which time I bathed her temples aeteny with gions of a story: as for cold water, by which mewns she at last came round, and the landlord of the hx e th en : a. iS arried her te bisown toom. JT them sew that her face was fearfully bruised b example, that of the DOM- heh confused and swollen, avd in the passage Ifeund as much grey hair ot « nid bardment of Odessa. We held inmy hand. She compisined of great paimeiso in her side, saying that subjoin samples of these —— bad severely Kicked her, aud she expressed her intention to give bis concoctions. They are ; . . all addressed to Nicno-| On the trial, however, the wife showed usaal) “an obvious . anxiety to sereen the prisoner,” and alleged “ ghe could not re- Las ; bat— colleet anything that ha to her, except that she fell down, and The First is Private and Confidential, | Strack her head. The prisoner had likewise a comvemuent forge: ful- ness, and “remembered nothing ‘that ocearred, except that is wife “ Srae,—With the greatest regret I have the honour to inform your |\eame home, and fell down.” He could sot, however, . 4 the reeol- Majesty that, in revenge for a shot or two fired oma flag of twee, all lection of having had “a month’s imprisomment before for assau!tmz the works of this town have been bombarded and atterly iy desteqyell by this wile.” the enenmry’s steamers, with the exception of the commereial mole.| Upon this the decision—judzment, im any sense, we cannot eal! it— The shipping protected by the mole, and the town itself, were unac- ‘was as follows :— countably spared ; but all the vessels of the Imperial mole were burnt. lhe powder-magazine has been blown up ; seven hundred men have been | jaye been inflicted by you, but the evidence te not sufficdent-to jatlly me in putting killed, and three times that number wounded. I have the melanc ho ly the law into full foree against you, and I theretere sentence you to hecommitted to the satisfaction of assuring your Majesty that I did all in my power to avert | House of Correction for three months and kept to hard Jabour.” the calamity; but the men were shot down at their guns; and, 1 am} he « full f Erne hi alls orry to add, had to be pricked up to them by the swords of their). |he ~ full mes Of Se ae in such offences as this is six months officers. I may, however, congrat ulate your Majesty on the blunder SEGURUINORS, with hard labour : not too strong a dose in any em aud committed by the enemy in sparing the eommercial mole and the city ; ms ga aieamier roves dhe cape hg 4 2 ia which latter was occupied by soldiers, the inhabitants having all th “. | Ma. D’Eyxcourr was unwilling fully to sentence. He therefore split “QOSTEN-SACKEN.” | the difference, and tet the prisoner half off. The Second 1s Diplomatic. This idea of giving half punishments for half-proved offences certainly Sire.—The allied fleets of France and England have bo Jed this | #Ppears to us both Bove l and Inge nious. If the precedent be followed, city end its defences, on the groundless pretence of our having fired o petitive... pewter plea of ““half guilty ” will be shortly pte } ae “I one of their boats carrying s flag of trace. Thanks to the valour of |©®* of marder, where the crime is only half proved, the criminal will Your Majesty’s gallant troops, whose loss has been small, the | 2© Sentence *d to be only = hung for it. “ Never do things by halves” invaders were repelled after infictiag some trifling injury on the lmpe-| obviously not one of Mr. D EyNcouRT's jegal maxims. Still Mea rial works. and e fortunately inconediovable amount of wanton demace should advise him for the future to try and give rather more decided m our peaceful city. Nothing could equal the courage of the brave auomemee For ourselves we have certainly but little taste for that oldiers, except the fortitude of the faithful citizens. These, during We licial half os df = Ny corms Snow seeved wt tho ter of the the bombardment, thronged the ehurches, imploring protection for| ' OP free! onee Court. themselves and pardon for their enemies, who, schooled by the chas- tisement which they have received, will, it may be hoped, hesitate im : - ag pee Ae future to attempt the crime of spreading devastation and slaughter “Ma. DByrwcover —i have no doubt whatever that these injuries wpon your wife mid the pacific dwellings of commerce. “ters.Bace rn ” STEADY, CABMAN, STEADY. The Third is Intended for Home Circulation. | Tt appears that the c abe wners and cabdrivers of the Metro- “‘Sree.—Again, by the favour of St. Nicnonas and the blessing of | polis, irritated at their cruel pe rsecution by the public, who insist St ALEX aspen Newsk1, a glorious victory has crowned your | 00 cabs bemg clean, cabmen civil, and fares @ la carte, have been Majesty’s arms. zealously organising a subscription avowedly designed to pay the fines “The combined French and English fleets, men of war and steamers, and other expenses to which owners or drivers of cabs may be subjected numbering a thousand sail, have bombarded Odessa for forty-eight by conviction of breach of the law. hours, providentially with no effect but the displacement of a few Very good. But when cabmen conspire, Parliament men must stones of the fortifications, and the demolition of a house whieh combine, and Mr, FitzRoy will probably be requested to introduce belonged to a Jew, and of a ‘Latin Church. the following brief Act into the House, and get it passed before the “Our loss amounts to two men killed and five wounded. Seven recess: ae hundred of the enemy’s ships have been sunk, and two hundred set on LITLE. fire and blown up. . Gu Act to amend an Act made and passed, &c., and commonly ‘This glorious result is to be attributed to the heroism of your known as the New Cab Act. zallant soldiers, inspired and aided by SS. Nicwo.as and ALEXANDER. wy pl Whulst the priests of the Orthodox Chureh, in her sacred temples, sur- otk EAMBLE. rounded by adoring multitudes, amid showers of shot, shells, and @jhereas by the above Act, Magistrates are empowered to inflict rockets, were chanting the praises and invoking the help of the patrons peeymary penalties on those who break it: And eae this won't of holy Russia, behold a miracle! Those two celestial champions go. Be it enacted as follows: descended from the elouds ; and whilst one of them stopped the balls , of the enemy, the other helped the men to pomt their guns I. Such power shall be abolished. ‘ Under these cireumstanees, 1 have direeted a Ze Dewm to be sung IT. In all cases of convictions under the said Act, the sentence n all our churches. shall be Incarceration, with or without hard agg ” * Osren-SacKEN.” Ill. (Interpretation Clause . This Act shall be interpreted with out any nonsense; and if there be a doubt, the prosecutor is Thus, in Russian cookery, the dishes served to the Em rare plain; to have the benef of such doubt. ose dressed for ambassadors and diplomatic agents are more spicy and the richest and most highly seasoned are composed for the common’ Possibly this hint may hav e the effect of stopping an ill-advised people. . Single, viands are esteemed a luxury, and nobody but the subscription, against which Jr. Punch strongly cautions gentlemen Czar tastes truth aw waturel, who have the temporary honour of bein g his coachmen.

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See rrnv Fe Ew PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. PUNCH AT THE PLAY. “ THE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE,” Ar the Hay market Theatre, is a positive success. The piece will not limp a few nights, but run very many. Very deceptive to the un- sophistie: cated in the ways of playhouses are the glories of first nights. he curtain descends to a thunder app sometimes, it 18 true, the thunder of Festus, it is “buttered thunder.” Cries for the auth r, cries deep as human sympathies, and loud as lien’s lungs, demand the appearance of the magician. The wizard who has waved his wand of use ike for the last two or three hours, stirring men as housewives stir gruel, He is demanded, as men That gifted creature is only a man after all. credit ; The is called for to be worshipped and stared at. would shout to behold a new-fledged phenix. after a decent interval—comes forward! He i The audience subside somewhat from their adoration upon alniost convinced that the author is human, even like themselves, author bows—once, twice, thrice; according to his capacity ~ gra'itude, and retires into chiaroscuro, whither in two or three faithfully followed by his piece. This, nine times and re quarters out of ten, is the supplement to a first night’s triumph Of all the primal thunders of applause, there lingers not an echo loud enough to wake a weazel. A fe w, few nights and the whilon n rapturous author hi is only memory of the ‘one night to console and strengthen him. “The author bowed from hisbox!” This, at least, is something. It m ay, haply, make a line in his epitaph, winding up, with “ full- mouth’d hi spason,” the strain of posthumous praise—“ //e bowed from his box ! he 7 Sgn of the Round Table is from the French ; how little, we know not. But a piece—that piece, we hear, no affi level to the fact—disembowelled from a French novel Les ( heval liers du Lansquenet, was in the M: uy Ambigu-Cor mique. That piece has been nat tural sed by Ma, Prancuk, o of a thousand like gra ceful conquests. We had rather that Knights had been iawfal issue of En glish pen-and-ink ; nevertheless; take to the climate very kindly. We know there is a sort of who thinks every play on Lo ndon - ge all the better if originally raised in Paris; to him comedy, > claret, can only be grown in French soil. Now we should have thought none the worse ly, alittle better—of the KaigAts (sharpers and swindlers all), had *ysbeen downright English BapainGro ws, and not Craupe Dova.s. ertheless, Mr. Pirancu& has made out for them very excellent lett rs of ni uturalisation with befitting emblazonments, as becomes united Pendragon and Rougedragon. e plot is capitally tangled and eapit: fu UN f knots, and now one clear thread. The charac are many. Ther : the “knights” sharpe rs and swindlers. A broken-down gentleman becomes teacher of the horn and the small sword. A young country gentleman, hearty and generous. A heroine—stolen by gipsies —who is slowly develop ed through many difficul ties into 4 countess— and a mantua-maker, simple, though not as starche: d, as quaker muslin. Now ali these are shaken together; again shaken; again and again, and at length take their proper places and meet with the ir exceeding great but due reward. At the end Captain Cozens ay we with Tom Tittler’s sword through his body, and Perdita and Sir Ralph, and Poplin and Tom Tittler axe in a way to become man and wife and ta live happy ever after. The Haymarket company is not a strong one. Let flattery do its best or worst, and even flattery could not coolly say as mueh. Never- theless, Mr. Pranc u& has been fortunate: inasnwuch as all the parts have so failen as to be well fitted. ‘The hero of the drama is, truly, Tom Tittler—the ubiquitous and potent Tom. He drops down a chimney with the 4 plomé (we may twitter Preneh on such an occasion) of a practical sweeper, and by means of rudest poker, disarms the hang-dog Smith, cunning as he deems himself at fence. Buckstone was ripe as 2 ripe peach in 7om; turning just as sunny a face upon all things. His words, too, came with a flavour. of richness that, at times, had withal a rare delicacy. Take, as a bite of the peach, the scene in which he declares his love for Perdita, and the manner in which he digests her refusal. Ma. Vaspewnorr’s Captain Cozens is all to nothing his best effort in the modern dramia, Cold, subtle, venomous, he seems as though he lived on snakes; a swindler whose syllables are drops of poison. Another phase of scoundrel is the Smith of Compton. Our contempt of the knave is, a great deal of it, merged in forced admiration of the constitutional coldness of stomac ch with which he swallows his wine, prepared aforethought, “with heroic magnitude of mind,” #of to pay for it. He is penniless; but he is great in his poverty: he has consumed a most luxurious dinuer , and he dimly smiles wit the sense of a successful thief. His stomach is no other - y a place for marine-stores, and he is proud of his last acquisition. He is a swindler with a great serenity. an. W. Pannen very nicely diseriminated the character of Sir Ralph Bootle. There was the true country air in the young man just of age, who had not been in London “ since he was in short coats.” He wants what is how much, or but make ind called of 1850 fashionable at the ully unwound. It is now all ters are '—the cherry-stene comedian, for ‘upon practice will give hn se if control in scenes of pathos and deep feeling promises to be a good actor: and we hope, for his own sake and oe comes a in the fuliiment. of the. ise. Little Crank cherry- stone he will to do very ny ~~ lemark. Muss . Preewiuias tt ee mpsek. fe “~~ Sir Tom Sreetecs Was -~ N Gf the Round Toi! amd we have little doubt + though with this for gallery, pit always cut you something comi little as Dick; but, as usual, made RBYNOLDS was pathetic = natural by turns blithe, cordial, and tend The drama has been carefully the more especially a.view of H never shall huild upem). Ina have come very seagonably to will play the townont of a large: paradox —the town wall be the menage = stalls, or boxes, = TEETOTAL TENDERNESS. UTEpRwos is a eee teetetaller, He is all for sweetness amdentt ness; &® man whose heart is melted honey continnally running out upon the platfori:. Thrice happy, thric: prosperous cause, tli! seeuses his Platonic eloquence—for had not baby Piaro Ads bees in the cradle, even as Burreasosn has his bees and buze at the inect! af the Uni versal rotherhood ot the World's Teapot ’ But Burreaposi —he mildly confesses to the faet—a man of letters. He hasmixed with men letters They are a sad set, all of them. When they shine, they only shine as raisins flawe blue, from = burnt ama, BuTTeERsosH could weep, beeause he does weep, when he reflects upon Lhe intemperance of his fallen brethren, the literary men! It is very good of Bu TTERBOSH, A few days ago —whry does he not speak oltener?—he “enlarged om the Moral and Religious Advantages of Abstinence?” Very good. Abstinence from what? From evil speaking, lying, and slandering? Oh no! he never dwelt upon such weakness. No. “ Hig observations among literary men had farnished: proof, humbier but the superior classes suffered from the curse of into potations, Aw but one of many cases, that of Tuomas Cauvents, author * Pleasures of Hope,’ was tenderly alluded w.” ' This. is so like Butrernosw, Tenderly alluded to! Poor Tom’s ave was seratched, not by jackal, bat by a meek waterat, bat e om Camppent—who has leit a aoram > notional legaey, in? that grand song that now rises above the winds, that now shouts above the surges of the Black thas song— }¢ Mareners Eing- land,’ —he can be affectionately im bis coffin ; for “poor Tom ’s a-cold,” and m ay therefore be exhumed as a dreadiul example to the philanthropic Universal Brotherheod of the World’s Teapot, The strong singer is dead—the Minstrel of the Maim is silent, “ And his tongue lies # taneless instrament; ” therefore ma Burrenposit softly brayabeve him. Poor Tom! He was.“ tenderly alluded to!” Sia Jonge Maxpeviite talks of croen diles—ecrocodiles of pathos—that “de cat men weepingly.” Borex. BOSH might have been one of these crocodiles : for he mumbles dead men’s reputations tenderly, that is “ weepingly.” Ol that not only the sting of the The Administration of the Army. Tru. the Commayper-tr-Curer to tell the Securtany ar Wax to tell the Secrerany or State forthe Home Derantuen’ to tell the Secretary of the Cosmissantat Derartwent, that the troops are required to march immediately, and are waiting for shoes

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~ ae 4 Ses | HY, es | SERRA St / ‘ee RY ’ GOOD NEWS! The Lady Emmeline. ARE TEARS OF Joy! REAL SENTIMENT! « No, Dearest Constance, I am FOR SEE NoT HOW THE DEAR Lond AUBREY Puff pain, burg, who has extraeted two very troublesome corns De Belgrave” Dean, DEAR AUBREY, THEN YOU ARE Happy !”

TIGHT LACING IN THE ARMY. HE press oceasionally favours with an estimate of the number of female lives that us lacing; but we wish that somebody would furnish particulars of the mortality arising from tight lacmg in the army. Effeminaey is not now a failing with which our officers can be charged, but the military practice of tightening the waist- band to @ most un- comfortable degree, is less adapted to the stalwart wearer of the coat of mail than to the slim occupant of the petticoats of female.

We hear sad accounts from the seat of war of gaunt guardsmen | fainting under the effects of tight lacing: and though there may be a. something interesting in a delicate young creature “ going off” into a sufficient amount of swoon to justify the tender application of smelling- | bottles and Baw de Cologne, there is a melancholy absurdity in the idea of a brawny Coldstream requiring a sprinkling of iced water on his mahogany brow, and having his lungs relieved from oppression by PUNCH, OR THE LONDON

IN HAPPY, writEs—(Reads an} ivertisement)—‘ I have much pleasure in giving my testimony to the skill of Professor without causing me any are sacrificed to tight | ————, CHARIVARI. |

| TYPOGRAPHY HALF-SEAS OVER. | | Iris stated, by those who have happened to hear a tipsy | person speak, that intoxication produces a peculiar effect | jon the voice. Judging from the imitations of this with | which we have been favoured, we should say that the sub- joined orthographical curiosity conveys a very accurate idea of the pronunciation of inebriety. | “The comparison is so obvious that it disposes of the whole question, | and rebaces the disvute ad absurdum. ‘The only proper way of dealing | with the difficulty was to insist, not on privileges and exemptions in favour of a particular religious sect, but on she immedia<:e revocasion of she whole order of proscripsion. These dissinesions of race and of creed are precisely she cause af anachy and weakness so Turey which a juss and solerans Governmens would seek so efface, by placing every class of she populasion under she prosecsion of she law, common Alike so all; and, if is be realy she insension of she French as well as she English | Governmens so convince she world shas ses power of she Ossoman empire can be mainsained and regenerased, is is inconsissens and | unwise so houmble she Mivisters of she Sulsan by demands and shreass which shey cannos eisher resiss or obey wish safesy.”

We were aware that intemperance occasions unsteadi- iness of thehand. But we did not know that it produces aberrations of that member precisely corresponding to the slips into which it betrays the tongue. Such, however, | appears to be the case from the above extract, which we are sorry we cannot regard as an assemblage of mere typo- graphical errors, fortuitously expressing speech influenced by liquor. We are afraid we must regard it as the actual result of excess. It is faithfully copied from the Rothesay | Wail, wherein it occurs in the course of an article | copied from the TZimes. It does not appear as an isolated passage, presenting itself with that abruptness which would indicate a sudden attack of insanity, but is led wp to by a gentle gradation of words mis-spelt ; thus | sugzesting that the compositor, like most wanela who in- | toxicate themselves, exemplified the proverb, Nemo sepente, | | &c.; and did not get so very bad all at once. Spirituous | liquor was probably at his elbow, and it would seem that | the character of composition thence resulting developed | itself in proportion as be got on with his toddy; the term whereby the Seoteh, we believe, cenominate whisky-and- | water; a mixture that, in all probability, constituted |our friend’s beverage. |

THESE | The Autocrat Laid Up. Trey say the Ozar’s unwell; if so, he can Now sympathise at least with one Sick Man.

a

| the application of a stout pair of shears to rip up the seams of his | jacket. Another grievance under which our army is groaning, or rather gasping, is the Regnlation leather stock or ‘black choker, which takes our gallant fellows by the throat in the most’violent manner. It may remind the soldier of the ties of home, to have his neck encircled by one of those ties, the wearing of which is the stiffest job he has to perform om parade; but though it is dest that the soldier should | never bend the neck or bow the head to the enemy, it is a pity that |apoplexy or suffocation should be the : ice of his erect attitude. Jf our troops are left to famt under the tightness of their cravats and jackets, a whole regiment, instead of being able to “sup- port,” “carry,” or “recover arms,” == to use their best

exertions in “ supporting’ “ i “recovering” one } another. ta | The Doctor's Pen-Wiper. Doctor Rarrres—the papers tell us—was.secently arrested in Italy | | for having “in his writing-dssk a pen-wiper Which assumed the shape land colour of a cockade.” We hardly think this the true cause of the Doctor’s arrest : it no doubt arose from a philological blunder. The authorities may have considered the pen-wiper as a venomous, mortal article: and for this reason: in‘ Italian there is no W; hence, for | | Pen-wiper, the sagacious authorities read Pen-Viper. |

ANTIMONY FOR THE RUSSIANS. Tux Correspondent of the Vienna Medical Journal on the left bank of the Danube states the number of sick in the. Russian camp te be | very great. We hope that the Russian forces before long will all have | had a sickening.

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THE BLACK CHOKER. Dedicated to the Powers that Be. Private Jones.“ HERE! HI! BILL!! C-C-C-C-CATCH HOLD O’ MY MUSKET! MY HEAD’S C-CC-COMING OFF!”, Jusz 3, 1854.) [Puncu, No. 673.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 229 OUR CRITIC AMONG THE PAINTERS. No. 4. “ Anp so” (exclaims M‘Grxe, grasping his maul-stick with an energy oe | : | of protest that makes it shiver in his hand), subjects of common and contemporary life ! of what principle—do you presume to shut me out from the Past, with its picturesquer forms, its brighter colours, its freer and more stirring | life, untrammeled by our multifarious laws and conveutionalities, its wars aud processions and pageants, its passions and its faith ? Why am I to turn from achieved history to history in progress ?” Softly, my dear M‘Grrp-—-I lay down the same | past and the reflect life, an | some emotion in my mind. Do this, and I do not care if your subject be taken from Regent Street or Smithfield, a.p. 1854, or the Palacewf Esar-Happon, at Nimeveh, B.c. 780, or the Colosseum of Nemo, a.D. 84, or Fontainebleau im the days of Fraxcis tux F rast, or the 3attle-tield of Hastings, at the downfall of our worthy old friemd HaRo1. the familiar are more common than imaginations which can call up me - alw: departed and give life to the past, so I believe that for one painter Wipe [¢5 ssa] school, | ad can perform the latter achievement, there are five-score that attain, at least respectably, to the former. “you would restrict art to} By what right—in virtue | law for both the father’s fond: ——_ I but insist upon it that your pictures shall | whi our social follies and shams, record some action, passion, emotion, or affection of of The men and women of a kind to awaken some answering thought or whole But inasmuch as minds which can apprehend the actual aml But now I find the tive. score vainly essaymg the work that only the one has thews and simews | ltruths. Set us face to face with our great sins again and again. Still | paint our MaGpaLewars, scared by the still small voice amid their bitter me mmige ate in their misery by the careless smiles and gay | voices of their undoers. Which of us is not the better for that ntation of the woman i the dream of sim, meani not for the tempters only, but for the sisters of the tempted and the fallen? Why should our Exhibition lift upme voice to brand abominations against which the hard stones of our streets ory aloud, night after might ’ Not that Art meed dwell with pain, either. may enshrine the common me of Corr’s, where a 's She may pleasantly YNar. hasdone in that picture a ee and stolid twelfth man sits, like a rock, emid of bis indignant brethren, letked without meat, drink, or firmg—candiecligit' excepted—-to agree - their verdict, | Or she may : life, as Wenster | does im that village child, who with the expectant jdogs; or im ) j (worth acres of his ings)'the Rew by the Way- * a a these a thought among the convent of a conven- risen to truth and tenderness by contaet with nature as he knows it, everyday life, and ho: affectious. None of these subjects are unworthy of a pai : read some lessen, or awaken some thought, affeetion, or emoison, ithe spectator. [would mention, | Venetian jside,and #4 painter | for, and, in all probability, that one employed on the work that the | sts0, a ead five-score could not utterly fail in. Moreover I prefer the present to the past, for the very reason that, as its forms and outward garmshings are less tempting and splendid, so the painter, in treating it, is likely to be urged more to inward | significance and expression—to be led from the coat to the mam, from the tailors’ work to the Creator’s. And thus his picture must, I conceive, become nobler and loftier, more worthy of a man tede, | and of men to contemplate. Remember, too, that subjects from con- temporary life are not necessarily ummeaning or trivial subjects. These, whether of past or present, are always unfitted for art, though | they be presented with the texture of a Tewirns, or the finish of a Brevene.t. Neither are subjects of even the commonest life meees- sarily vulgar. Take Hocartu, for example, and see how, by infusing intention into his action, and expression into his faces and figures, he | | dignifies the lowest theme, and gives us pictures which are books. | What I say is this; that, while you painters seek only, or chiefly, | after the pleasing and the icturesque, you are degrading yourselves | wilfully into mere sense-ticklers, and that the likeliest way of lifting you out of this spreading slough is to bid you look at the world round about you, and to find what in it affords seope for presentation in forms that will speak to men’s thoughts through their eyes. You will quote to me the case of the old painters, how they treated themes that were not contemporary, but chiefly events from the legends of the saints and martyrs of old, or the life of him whom the saints worshipped and the martyrs died confessing. But look how they dealt with their subjects. | Not with an antiquarian parade of the outward semblance of the time and place where the events befell. No—they worked with the materials | round about them. The Sea of Tiberias was the nearest lake; the street of Jerusalem a scene in Florence or Ferrara; the men and women—apostiesy or saints, or spectators—the paimter’s friends and contemporaries. And so they got true life into their works, while we, travelling to Palestine for models, skies, architecture and costume, bring back something utterly bare and barren of all life whatever. They painted the heart of a subject ; we paint its shows and seemings. And because of this, I say again, that I rejoice to see one painter here | and there venturing away from the past into the present. | Ido not for all that wish for more of such pictures of the time as | that ancient Associate Mz. Hot.uss, for Pesce a gives me. All I can say is, that his present is better than his past. But as he puts no more mind into one than the other, 1 can derive from him only this negative satisfaction that at least he is not now aping imagination, but honestly parading his want of it. He is painting what he sees, though what he sees is not worth painting at all, But when Ma. Howr gives me such a picture as The Awakened Con- | science, I feel that here is a man who comprehends some purpose of art in the world beyond pleasing my eye. if see a courageous determi- nation to face one cf the rifest evils of our time, and to read all of us youth a terrible lesson. Some tell me he has not succeeded—that his ioral is obscure and his story unintelligible. I can only answer, that for my part I wish both were more of a riddle to me. 1 believe the main reason why this noble work and Mr. Hunt’s other picture of The Light of the World have met with comparatively little sympathy is, that most of us have ceased altogether to look to pictures for any deeper or stronger meaning than the mind can catch at a look. We have no notion now-a-days of the painter preaching us a sermon. What business has he, whose best purpose, in the ordimary conception, is to cover a given wall-space agreeably, to be knocking at our hearts | or awakening our consciences ? jutifamiliar tome. The ‘ ! excites, , little . IS cool tke beath of » pointer at mastetly yet, but ; that will do better if they travel, let ign subjects as bat such as Mx. Where existence is water of Seville has Mr. Uwixs pai to bearn, has become @ congratulate Hex | An example of what thought im the painter can do for a s'mple and | poor subject. is to be found m an unpretending little performance (with a new name—E. Davis,) which hangs near the door on the left as you jenter the West Room. It is called Medé/ation, and represents an old villager, with a six days’ beard, sitting b falling warm on a face gently fened with old memories. build many a simple Eh ctory out of that face, but I defy you to loo at it and not see that the painter had some such story in his mind. pathos of the old man’s gaze ; and if any kind friend were to offer me my choice between this two-foot canvas and some more ambitious work not very far off, | know which I should choose. Ma. Lesiig, who rarely turns out anything that bas not mind and meaning in it, has produced a Rape of the Lock, very graceful and courtly ; but i painted (under the title of 7he Present) \ooking in quiet satisfaction at a locket. and more sparkle in the eyes. It is very lovely head about the same size, which he exhibited last year, and was imprudent enough to call /ulie/, 1 am thankful he has not given any more distinctive name to this most winsome young lady. DOUBTS ABOUT DRESS. BY AN OLD SOLDIER. I nave known a good many military messes, but I doubt if in their — regulations some of our colonels have not made the greatest mess of all. I doubt if trussing their men in such torturingly tight coats at all increases their activity in active service. I doubt if it be possible for men to use their arms, when—thanks to stocks and cross-belts—they barely find it possible to use their lungs. As to the stocks, I doubt if many would not quite as soon be put in the pillory. And I much doubt the truth of Corone, Mantinet’s assertion, that to make agood soldier you must begin by throttling him. I doubt if giving our Light Cavalry such heavy accoutrements will be found to make their charges at all more formidable—except perhaps in @ pecuniary sense. Our soldiers are generally obedient to orders. Yet when a man is encased in his “ regulation” clothes, 1 doubt if it isn’t cruel mockery to bid him “ stand at ease” in them. Granted it be true that pipeclay makes the man, I doubt if the of it would not make the happier fellow. In fine, I doutt want be not Knock on, Hzwry Hormay Hunt, for all that. Tell us more home-! possible to dress a raw recruit without trussing him. The | painting too, has all befitting technical merits to set off the homely | would rather bave that charming face which he has | _ 1 would have said a miniature, but that I think if it had | been a miniature, there would have been more of a flush on the cheek, | i ; and, when | recalla | | a lonely fireside, the light | You may

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we aA 9. ey F 230 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ANOTHER. BIT FROM THE MINING DISTRICTS | First. “Wo'? TAK THY QUOAT OFF, THEN? OI TELL THEE Ol'M aS GooD a Mon AS THEE!” Second. “Tuer a Mon! Woy THEE BE’ST ONLY WALKIN’ ALOUT TO SAVE THY} FUNERAL EXPENSIs!” DE CZAR OB RUSSIA. A Aegra Melody. Ove Nicnoras, de Russian Czar, He set him people wid de Turks, De English, and de French at war : Dere nebber was sitch debble’s works! Sitch a cuttin’ off heads and runnin’ troo de middle, Sitch a cuttin’ off heads I nebber did see. ’Spose any Niggar ’fend his pride, Him hab de fella’s life flogged out Wid a thousand cuts ob hard cowhide ; That there am what you call de Knout. | Sitch a cuttin’ off heads, &c. De lubly ladies, too, him whip, (cain his passions if dey runs, He make de Knout, you knows, to strip De tender skin ob holy Nuns. Sitch a cuttin’ off heads, &c. De Czar him always kab his way, ile nebber eare for groans and cries, Nor what de people got to pay, And, golly, him tell sitch whoppin lies ' Sitch a cuttin’ off heads, &c. lim take for sogers all he choose ; De Czar he play wid men at bow!s : And now him go and press de Jews, Again deir conseienee and deir souls. Sitch a cuttin’ off heads, &c. At Petersburg de weather cold, Most part ob de year de ribbers froze, De spade him break again de mould, And de North-Kast wind bite off de nose. Sitch a cuttin’ off heads, &. De Czar no like de frost and snow, And wind dat nip him ugly face ; And so to war wid de Turks him go, *Cause ole Nick want a hotter place. Sitch a cuttin’ off heads, &c. More hotter, praps, than him desire, Him find himself before him done, When dere’s de French and Englis!: fire A blazin’ on de son ob a gun! Sitch a cuttin’ off heads, &c. + A LETTER FROM ANNA MARIA TO JANE HENRY, ALL ABOUT THE LAUNCH OF THE PRINCE ALBERT AT WOOLWICH. “ My Dearest Jane Henry, “Tug weather on Saturday last* was lovely. It wasn’t too warm, nor too cold. The sun shone with its usual good nature—as if it was only too happy, lixe the best of us, to come out in its very best to see our dear little Queen—and as for parasols, you miglit have looked up to heaven all day without the slightest fear of a freckle, “ We started so early, and Papa was very angry because | wouldn’t eat any breakfast. How is it, dearest, that when you are very happy, you cannot eat? I only know, if it had been my wedding-morning, | couldn’t have taken less. We went along very slowly. The carriages were treading upon each other’s heels all the way down. It was from London to Woolwich a perfect crush-room of vehicles. “ Every one was so polite, so kind, that we had not much difficulty in picking our way through the Dockyard. There were so many people, dear, it would have taken you all your lifetime to have counted them. Every one, too, looked so smart, that though I had on the beantiful dress, you know, that made the Parkinsons so mad at our last picnic, still:l felt half snabby, and should like to have gone back again to liave put on something better ;—but #’importe / “ You couldn’t look anywhere without seeing a flag. They fluttered about in the air like so many pocket-handkerchiefs that were being waved out of window on some grand procession day when Kossutu, or Prixce ALBERT, or some dear handsome fellow is going by. Hach ship was decorated with them, and some of the steamers had so many colours all over them, that they reminded me of that vulgar Mrs Eimore when she wishes to be very fine on a Sunday, and puts on all her wardrobe. * This Letter was written a full fortnicht ago—marked ‘Immediate "—entrusted t a private hand (Miss Atice Jowgs)—and the natural consequence was that it was never delivered until yesterday.— Ep. “ You have no idea what a monster of a ship the Prince Albert is! It is ever so tall, that in looking up to see the top of it, the bonnet nearly fell off the top of my head. You know the grand stand at Ascot. Well, I should say that it was full threc times as high as that. Round it were constructed a number of seats, like the firework-gallery at Vauxhall, and these seats were crowded as on a grand opera night, with the exception that every one was in morning costume, and I cannot give you a notion of the beautiful effect it had ! “ Papa wouldn’t allow me to stop to admire any of the dresses, so I | am sorry I cannot send you a description of those that struck me the most. We went up more staircases than there are in St. Paul’s, and at last, panting and out of breath, I found myself on board the deck. Oh dear! the height was something terrible; and when I attempted to look down I am sure I shouldn’t have recognised my own husband. You may have some small notion of what it was like when I tell you the bonnets looked no bigger than bouquets, and as they were all huddled close together, they presented the appearance of a handsome Brussels carpet, with a very gay pattern upon it. I was rather disappointed with the ship. It was very different to what I had expected. It is certainly very large; so large that, if | Papa had not had on a white hat, I must have lost him over and over again. It would be a beautiful place for a ball, and L wonder it did | not strike some of the officers to turn the deck to that purpose, more | especially as all the things were cleared ont of it. I don’t know what- ever the men will do when they want to sit down, becanse there wasn’t a chair or sofa in the place. Altogether, I must say the ship looked wretchedly uncomfortable. I didn’t notice a single carpet, and there was such a terrible lack of furniture that it looked as if the previous tenants had been moving, and had carried away all their goods. If the ship is to go to sea in its present state, I can only say that E am ant > wt ot

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NCH, OR THE LONDON ‘OHARIVABI,

xtremely glad I am not one of the passengers. | st say, also,|carried off to the Baltic to fight the Emperor or Russia; and I 1 do not admire much the: plan upon whieh it is built. The st air- hadn't, dese, as mach as a pair of seissors with me. cases are extremely narrow, and very difficult to descend withou ‘The scene was very enlivening; at least, what I saw of it, for I do | knocking y your head. The windows, too, ire such little bits of peky | not mind telling you in contidenge, dear Jans Hewnry, that it is the things that I defy any one to look out of them, and besides ‘they greatest mistake, if you wish to see @ , to go aboard ofthe vessel |

look dre fal ly shabby without blinds or curtams. One curious thatds jaunched. As for séaing, you see nothing. You are locked up thing which a_i me exeeedingly, was that they had omly ¢ im a great big vessel for four or five hours; they will not let you go, + balcony at one e Why not have a balcony all round? or you would whether you don’t like it or mot, and you. femain ali that time without imagine, if they had a baleony at all, they we uld have it m front of anything to eat or drink, unless you are wise i to take a basket | the shi p, whereas theirs—dear Janz, don’t laugh, darling—is right e¢\of provisions..with you. Next I good care to secure the back. But it was evident all through that they sadly stood in need a seat im one of the firework ] be _ content of a woman’s superior taste te-put their place to rights. The men are jin bemg a spectator, instead pratiat oy ee seen sad stupids at these things. Amd this is most incredible, if 1 had not There were not many ladies@m board, and it was Incl y for them,

particularly notieed it, they dave not a fireplace in the whole ship. vas we were not liberated watil’ @ clock,@nd then we were | Whates ver will the poor creatures do in tl ie winter? It’s terrible to | carried ashore’in brown- boats should have been ashamed | think of it ; but, however, it is just as well perhaps that they have mo} to put a kitten in. O nik, dear! heen on beard ever since fireplaces because, they haven't a single chinney. Did you ever hear yeleven o’elock, I had without as there of anything so ridiculous ? | was no no not evena (J don’t “The Prince Albert, Y am told, has been built with all the newest pam hog as much as a Captain on ( may w hungry I must*have been, and with appetite J nautical improvements introduced on board, and I suppose the absenge moe | magme of any ropes and masts . one of them. However, | will not allude! nye 7 ee aoe. : ; . rstand mucli about sueh he abovers-all Tsaw of the Launeb, for im plainspaken melaneh«|y farther to this, as f confess I do not und matters. A large covering was over the deck when first [ went im; | ?énité, I saw but, as I noticed this glass id was taken off afterwards when we were “Oh! the Prince Albert is called ‘a serew.’ I locked for then the n the m idije f the river, I suppose it was only put up as a kind of deck, and every where, but the only evidence of the screw 1 eould find awning in the event of its raining, and so far it was very kind of the | was in the absense of the luncheon, Wasn't it mean?” ars er people, very kind. | (Here follows the sigmuture, _ ofter that the wmal postscrip/., ‘We heard the people shouting down below, and the sounds of the extending to-acouple of pages lifferent bands playing Ged Save the Queen came to us every now and} the nin soft gushes ef leyal melédy; but as fo r seeing anything, one | ——- = | might as well have been leeked up in’the nursery at home! The | bulwarks—for that is the stupid name they give the walls on-either| SEASONABLE INVENTION. side~are so high that one ought to have bee non horseback to have looked over them. We were told the Quzew had arrived ; but bless you ! LL young Gentlemen gcomg as for being able to convince ourselves of that interesting fact, it would | to the Derby are re- have been as easy for you to have seen the whitebait swimming in the oatmeal to provide water. I cried out, that it was @ shame, and vowed I would leave the | themselves with the Im- boat, but they stopt me, and said that not a soul was allowed to go on| ed Poeket Chaff- sh re, until she was fairly off. Off, indeed! | h al a good mind to lenp | ; achine, which has been ; invented expressly for

off then and there, at once, only I was afraid of hurting myself. y * All f a sudden I heard a fearful a nee. as if a hundred thieves | this annual cecasion. The machine is worked were trying to break into the shi I thought of you, darling Janz, : teres. by 40-wag power, and

and re grettel that I had not made a will before starting, leaving you all my jewellery, and letters, (with a request that you would “burn | them), as well as my beautiful new glacé siik dress that has not yet | been sent home from. Mapame Juvon’s. I chung to papa, but instead | of comforting me, he only teld me “not to be a fitile ily.’ The} knocking was repeated, and seemed to come from right underneath the | cellars. It continued for full five minutes, and then there was a dead | | calm, more terrible than the poise, and I expected the ship would explode, and that I — be shot like a rocket 1 right over to the other | side of the Thames. @& my bracelets, and put them into my pockets to save neal myattention was distracted by a man with | a big voice calling outito “every one on board to run about the deck.’ | Th is was done, I heardwome ome say, to shake the vessel—just as if we | . Lata had not had shaking enoug? eve: I imp! ge the people to remain gress get — _ quiet—not to make aaose, ‘or we should all go to the bottom ’ —but they wouldu’t, ‘smal acd would go on, tramping round and} | present March—or, more correctly, May—of Refinement, Fis Machine ‘has therefore been constructed to's pm pp appa! of the newest, as well is warranted to supply ehaff of the very best deseription, to any amount, and suitable to every possible emer- . Phe Patentee 1a8 deeply studied the noble Art of Chafling, and is thoronghiy aec- _——_ with its gradual evelopment; having specimens of its

round the vessel, leaphing all the while, as if it was the finest fun in the won Ho How I hated them—and what names I called '** the most ancient description lly to every rank the .m quiethy to ayeelf and station, not forgetting the Cab Rank, nor the Police Station. To the race-goer, however, it should perhaps be especially recommended,

“ Tout ange: TIME than it takes to fill a glass of cham-| as it will furnish him with endiess drolieries for the drag, railleries for pagne—cries weresmisedat ‘She’s off!’ I*didn’t know where she wa ev mA) off to—orwhere we were to zo to—but at that mome nt, dear, I felt t| collestion of ou, eevcheod tothe pene wth the choise as if | would have: all 1 was worth—even down to dear Juxzus The Chaff Machine.is iskewins conaienetad to. .prod in _guent

portrait—to ‘have outside an omnibus—a market-cart—an alli-| y — hack—anywhere butwhere I was! However, the people shouted it is “thought, with tie now bulls ag econ i unginald, | —and cheered—amdithe band played Rule Britannta—and ev erything | In fact, far senseless Fe ey mes be aiuadt said to | round meseemed-sosefeand happy, that, instead of going down upon | riya a Court of Chancery; while, in on reply is needed, , my knees, Leonquered my fears, and, with the quickness of the Post | i¢ will invariably be found to answer expectation. Some litile estimate | Horn Galop, wevame as as if I were before my looking-glass. | may be formed of its powers, when it as siated that a purchaser was dissatistied Hansom Osbman—an achieve-

The seusation, dear Janz, was very delightful—though necessarily very | jately enabled to silen — I tet something like the same tingle on that occasion in the/| y <= : when thought the Captain was going to propose to me, and | perth ee FS ea ne 0 be the mest

| he did + wase feeling of great, ecstatic, thrilling, soul-lifting happi- | The Patentee has receimed. the .maat RE suchas | have experienced sometimes when winning at cards. | ee recollett the leatitines, when weglayed at vingt-ct-on, and 1 won four so = Erne” whigh age mowiy too perwoal for

at ome sweep, that the same warm, exhilarating glow shot sass and. r vane ay and I metal that. life was not made up entirely of such | pure, unadulterated moments of divine joy. It was heavenly. This} Onrentat Awatomy.—Eyverybody knew that a Turk was a Mussul- sensation—and I neyer shall forget it, dear, any more than my first | man, but few appear to have been aware of hisnerve. valentine—compensated me for all the previous fright; and when I looked round, I discovered we were, strangely enough, in the middle of the Thames. Here another fear alarmed me, for 1 didn’t know | Mitrtany Memu.—The effect of ing dees not appear tobe to where they might be taking us to, and I trembled lest I might be! render the English soldier a sharper than the French.

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\ eas scat a Ee 32 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE MENDICITY SOCIETY’S FESTIVAL. ‘SERENADE FOR HEAD QUARTERS. Be egmey -—_. HE Mendicity Society is doinz Wir alter the Soldier’s Hat ° i] ees pene a great deal of good. For Pray, what is the use of that ? 4 2) if pi , the statistical proof of this “If you were wise, 5 | remark, in facts and figures, Heaven mend your eyes! see the Daily News of Mon-| You ’d attend to the man’s Cravat. / day, last week, which reports} the annual meeting of the In face he is almost black ; Society, held on the Satur- His eyeballs are like to crack : day previous, whereat it was To keep him upright, shown, that this excellent in- As well you might stitution ~ relieved a wee Drive a ramrod down his back. amount of distress, and had 7 effected the punishment of a} He won't strike a heavier stroke, ; great mass of roguery. He won’t give a harder poke, J It is very uncertain that Because the = you are doing any good by | _ With a leather strap, £ giving alms in the street. It| You are fool enough to choke. ~ is very likely you are doing a} ; , great deal of harm. Bestow| your charity by subseribing}| to the Mendicity Society, and} you may be sure not a far- You tell him to stand at ease ; You may tell him what you please : Of course the word Of command’s absurd, == thing will be thrown away. | While his neck you gripe and squeeze. = Moreover, when pestered by The fellow upom parade Se lg, ay That faints lnke a lady’s maid, “Gentleman, will you be so| Will have-hard work k ind,” &e. * Give a poor boy Bo oo the Turk - a apenny—do Sir, please Sir, Too warm fer hin, 1m afraid! &e. &e.; “ Kind gentleman, - ; : pity a poor distressed creature,” &c. &e. &e., you will enjoy, in giving a ticket imstead of a Fe drops in the sun’s hot blaze, coin, not only the sweet satisfaction of knowing that if the applicant is really necessitous, Exposed’to its broiling rays ; you are helpmg him; but likewise the satisfaction, almost equally sweet, of reflecting that Thevw’re forced to uniocix you are dishing him if he is an impostor. His belt and stock As the deteetion and punishment of dishonest mendicants constitute not the least important As yoa’d cut @ pair of stays. of the Mendicity Society’s uses, it may be suggested that the success of its efforts in this direction should be exlnbited in some striking manner to public notice. Thus it would No odds British soldiers dread ; appeal more particularly to that class of persons whose philanthropy is chiefly interested in They have seldom, or never, fled : the protection of society from fraud. For this purpose a /c¢e of a novel aud interesting nature ‘Dy ’e think they ’d learn might be held annually. Their backs to turn, At the anniversary of the Association, which, with the co-operation of Government, should | If you let ’em tura the head ? be celebrated in a conveniently spacious locality, all the rascals, rogues, and vagabonds, which | : it has been the means of bringing to justice throughout the year, should be publicly paraded, I request you to devote, with their heads shaved, wearing brilliant prison uniforms, and having the description of their To the cut of the hat and coat, several forms of imposture pinned on their backs. After which, under & temporary shed Less thought and pains, erected for the occasion, they should all be set at work on so many treadmills arranged And exert your brains in a row; thus forming a spectacle somewhat of a nature of a fancy-bazaar, to which the public j To relieve the Soldier’s throat ! might be admitted at so much a head. rhe objection may be raised to this scheme that it would destroy any vestige of self-respect | that might be remaming in the minds of the prisoners. But in wretches who are capable of | living in laziness by practising on the hearts of the charitable, and thereby doing all they can t« | harden them against real,misery, every spark of that virtue isextinct. Especially is this the case | t 7 with the base and disgusting begging-letter-writer, interspersing his abject affectation of pathos with methodistical cant.. The sound whipping of a number of these dirty knaves might almost form a pleasing feature of the entertainments at the Mendicity Society’s Exhibition. | Refreshments should be provided for all parties, including prison-gruel for the rogues | A good band should also attend to perform a selection of music, including, of course, that | celebrated March by whose steps the crank and the whipping-post are arrived at. a } | . VICTORIOUS ROME! Tue Inquiry into the Conventual Institutions Bill has been abandoned —thanks to the | gallant opposition of the Irish Brigade, in combination with Mimisters—to the majority of the | House of Commons. No doubt the Bill for regulating the Disposal of Property by Nuns} will either share its fate or be thrown out. ‘This is as it should be. The Holy Priesthood of Rome is letting the British Public know that it means to keep the government of its | institutions to itself, and that it will not allow them to be subject to the law of the land. But the Roman Catholic Clergy must not stop here. At present every one of them is amenable to the jurisdiction of the secular courts. Though an Archbishop, or even a| Cardinal, he might, if charged with a criminal offence, be tried, as if he were a layman and a heretic, at the Old Bailey. This disgraceful servitude can no longer be endared. The| alleged misdeeds of ecclesiastics of the Churclyof Rome must be left to be dealt with entirely | by their own tribunals. In-short, the Roman Catholic Church must be placed above thie | law, as it very soon will be with Mr. Grapstone to promote its views on the part of the Cabinet, and with such a friend in the Liberal Party as Ma. Bareur. Hospital for Bad Jokes. We have opened a Hospital for Bad Jokes, and here are two of the patients -— Seasonable Intelligence —During the War it is intended to limit the British commerce with the Russians to taking their salt m exchange for our pepper. Iurerrat Rippie.—Why is the Emperor oF Jones's last and perhaps his worst —Why is the Eurgror or Rvssta like the Panopticon ?— | Ruseta like the Sphinx ?—Because he is a Because he is a Base Czar (bazaar). fabulous being. a es Printed by William Bradbary, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, and Frederick “allett Evans, of No. 27. Vietoria Street, in the Parish of St. Margaret and St. Jobn, Westminster, both in the County of Middlesex, Printers, at their Office in Lombard Strect, in the Precinct of Whitetriars, in the City of Londen, and Puiished by them at No. 36, Flee: Street ia the Parish of St. Bride, the C\wy of Lomdon.—Sarvapar, June 3, 1854.

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_ PUNCH, “OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. 233 | MR. GRIEVE’S NEW SYSTEM OF WARFARE. grsons who like war without stuumed |: Ap noise, or beng Sanne i cam See it to r ith ion Pe the Gallery wit fad th yh There they fod OP thi trea yt “A a new system fase, that the most a mem ciety, ty os Ko t horrors a wee without faint t is truth, war, ot pe rfectly safe ed. ge agreeab i join in ke witeat viclenes to eae an om, =f. seen it. would be sure to recommend ¢ other Bishops to their daughters o the tiful scene of innocent slaughter. There is no occasion to get out of the way of the cannon-bal!s, for there is no small one you pay at the doors for admission. By this pew system you are enabled to go through an entire campai in half an hour, and w you leave you are no more tired than Uncte Tosy was after he| | had been going through one of his wonderful sieges in the garden. In this way you assist in| bombarding Odessa, amd are mt at all the grand engagements of the Turks, whom you | cheer on with your sympathies, amd hope they will not leave a single Russian alive to chant a | Te Deum over all the test. this _ easy, comfortable manner you sail with the Allied | Fleet, the French and English ships, big and small, mixing joyously together, like boys in a! | playground. Who wouldn’t go to war, when it is ‘made so attractive? who wouldn't be a, | General for half an hour he runs no risk of being basoneted or shot? It is Messns. | | Grieve and TELBin, who, by their new pictorial system, have achieved this pleasant poncreng | wonder. To conelude seriously : Few ns have fought so many battles to othe Mr. Grieve, and we must say ro one is more deserving than he is of | he we just achieved with he. partial brush at No. 14, Regent Street. | of the yom to see that this victory is not altogether a barren one plenty of, hanes | nO spo | — . shot that passes beyond the | — | WHICH WAY HAS THE MONEY anit | Devry Lawe Taeatee has been more than once connected with =F | wives, vee and Soest a of the British soldie Many years ago, lessee was stag Richnond in a death-struggle hin | —the ciel a tymnt being both of them ae | the manager ~— rs and a ppeased the rising r isu t | announcing anager adden het nigh $ performance wa ge th chy Of ‘tile ‘chifint fellows who died at Wa Presta den the result nobody ever knew, becaui#e are rather more inquisitive, and ‘st » of Progecde of ts of the Fancy Fair which lon pie ee Lane “Pheatre, for the benefit the Wi and ESE of the vies ae and widows and | eae io WwW i toe fai and seb dulante Gadus, whic ‘yea eat 6r too fair to accept oo mar the éélet othe wae ing rather te 10s ees The Lomp Mayor knows po one 2 ie 4d., which has, no = bt,,, ee pig — did not keep “ Ssreras ro * fair” Jn, : the, wey, wou he te the of the eae eee cine sek yep ‘ a ae tor publication,” 2” We not see i a th 30, Si , bane in “ee up any prin ey i in England, and t tee , of si “ addition, though the delay may be ex- lato if any subtraction or long division has n resorted to. We recommend all the parties #' cone»rned, if t value their own credit, to furnish without delay the information which has by been called for, and the absence of which might warrant the insinuation that the fairness of the fancy fair has been of an entirely fanciful or imaginary er, —_—— THE NAPIER COLUMN. apples paper - January 11, 1905.) “> old Admiral, aieetin in i was sing ; here is still much and those | the burst of news of the storming pro- | duced in onion, the illuminations, the re- — joicings, and the thanksgivings in St. Paal’s, sometimes wonder that upwards of filty years have been allowed to elapse, and yet the memorial is incomplete. Bat such is the way e venerable Banow Napirr | (some day, it is ehineel to be raised even to the dignity of a Viscount) must not marmur. Viscourt Newson, the — idol, died im cow od the most 7Gan t of sea triumphs, in 1806, and by ieference to our files of the middle of last century, we find, that in May, 1854, the year of the Petersburg victory, the Trafalgar Column was incomplete. But Bartawnta is solvent, and may be allowed loug | eredit for her debts of gratitude. er OSTEN-SACKEN TO DUNDAS. Wat a regular ass You past tink mej Dowg.g | Tn “Hewiege such ternis to arrange ! gence: ge Ao.y08 Spy, on ha wee ii Tare P Arye _ (THE PONeH f SHELL. ah hii ‘the, bona so ah art an we oe ei al. a, bali Cid =i 7 jiting to | sree | with’ those precious gimeracks (nih tte ot ae rere eas prestle-eithout hartivg the : it nothing, except that . Teer Sater Lorne its fall pi would scatter # bn vtemts in» ali demection+, and {rethink here must ree by réab faete- and vdemalinn tie edilices of, lies the Ewrensom DN iemoLas, 1} erree puree ya errr eae. 2 eee ihn sot cn GARDENING. VavuxHALL opens.—Plant out your cibbages. VOL, XXVI. AA

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ery Ez PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. TWO MINISTERS IN ONE. E hear that the Minis- ters have at-last come to the conclusion that even @ Secretary of State cannot fill two places at once; can- not, im fact, be at the same time the Minister of War and the Minister of the Colonies. A cleverer mam than even the Doxe ov Newcastie might fail ip the at- tempt to have one foot im the old world, and the other in the new, for no man ean be his own antipodes. It is, however, rather amusing to notice the way in which the Globe endeavours to show that although it is. expedient to separate the offices of War and Colonial Minister, there is no one but the Duxe or Neweastie who is fit for either. We are told that if we take from his Grace’s hands the m ement of the war, we shall fiad ont the difference at once (though by the way we should ——/Vay, & not object to a change), while if we were to remove the Duke from the Colonial office, everything would be in such a mess that we should reatly miss the discretion and tact, which brought about the great | STONOR case. iy According to the Globe, it appears that the Minister entrusted with | the conduct of the War and the Colonies has shown such consummate | | statesmanship with regard to both, that it is utterly iaponnile to spare | the Duke from either of the posts he has occupied. We ean only say | that if Newcastie were to be rather powerfully hauled over the coals, | the bestowal of the sack might not be altogether a matter of so much} | difficulty as the bland and benevolent (/ote seems to anticipate. | = : =" +4 OUR PRIZES TAKEN FROM THE FRENCH. Autnoven Partant pour la Syrie and Rule Britannia are alternately | played by English and French bands; although the tricolor and the | meteor flag still fly and flap lovingly together, Mr. Pusch is happy to | say that the bellicose spirit of Englishmen has not entirely evaporated ; | but that certain bold Britons, in defiance of the namby-pamby ethics of | peace-mongers, continue to regard a portion of the on as their] natural enemies, and therefore take everythmg as soon as it ventures | to oo The English playbills that lie before us ought to be en- circled with woodcuts db teenies with the British Lion griping the Gallic Eagle, and compelling the bird about to be translated into | | another sphere, to drop its every quill. We shall, for the pardonable | | purpose of gratifying the patriotism of play-goers in general, allude to | a few of our recent victories. Knights of the Round Table (late Les Chevaliers de Lansquenct), | gallantly taken by ApMrraL PLancuf of the White. A well-built ship, | with a clean run from fore to aft. She answers her helm admirably, | and has never yet been known to miss stays. the command of Vice-ApmiraL Cuartes Kean of the - Blue. rhe first is a very cranky craft ; but by careful trimming of eanvas, so scarcely be calle been hidden by paint, and the whole craft ‘pitched so very strong, and her hold so fum) ’ stayed awhile. The sooner however she is broken up, the better for all aboard of her. _ The Marble Heart, captared by thie gallant Cartary Cranes Sexpy, K.C.B. (Knight mmander of Bumboats). She is rather a heavy = wh but on the whole a good sea-boat ; and answers her he!m very well. that, by means of seamanship and proper ballasting, now sits as | light as a sea-gull, and now rises like a flying fish. | _ These are only a few of our prizes from the French; but they still attest the courage of the hardy tar-translator, who will never lay down | his British goose-quill whilst the enemy has a single craft, even though upon paper. as to catch the - ~~ puffs, has held her way.—The second prize can | ara sea-worthy; but the rottenness of her timbers has | Petty Spite. with brimstone, that condemnation has been | fo The First Night; taken by Commayper Wicax ; a French egg-boat | DRINK AND DULL SUNDAY. We understand that great alarm is felt by certain brewers and publicans lest the ol and intelleetual recommendations of the Crystal Palace should generate a conviction that it would conduce to the welfare of the population, if that place of rational and innocent recreation were allowed to be open on s. At Glasgow and other places im Beotland, where there are no | excursion trains or steamers, to take the labouring classes out of the smoke into the pure air on @ Sunday, it is’ well known that a vast consumption of beer and grog takes place on that day, which the majority of the inhabitants celebrate getting drunk, insomuch that those who are excluded from the and the river, common! ane themselves in the kennel. Thus the h observance of the t conduces greatly to the eg of the: trade. This consideration renders the parties e alluded to earnestly «rious that any movement tending toy the gaies of the Crystal Palace oa Sundays should be and they will feel greatly obliged to’ any pious persons who them in resisting all ions to that end, in a quieb-way. ek wens te t up a itation on the subject, lest that; ve the effect of oceasioning the pot-houses to be shut ap om Sunday as well as the Crystal Palace, which would be worse than merely having their and their parlours thinned by the sober attractions of that edifice. HORRORS OF WAR. The Married Un-Married ; Faust and Marguerite ; captured under | How our ARTIST WAS SCARED WHEN HE WENT TO A SEAPORT Town TO MAKE A SKETOH. | GovEeRNMENT will not allow any more newspaper correspondents to llow the army, because those newspaper correspondents have hitherto | been in the habit of anticipating by several days the contents of the Government despatches. What a woman’s spite is this ! will be | wishing nest to keep the despatches seeret ther, and.if. the news of a second Trafalgar should arrive, it will’only made transparent to | the public by the fact of Azzapxxn illaminating with a rashlighs in his | back bed-room. The “Invalide Russe.” Is this great Jnvalide, of whom we are always reading so much | the Expgror or Russta? for accounts lately have him as being very ill, and the nature of his — would account most naturally for the exceedingly mad statements this very veracious /avalide has recently been indulging in. | | |

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ee we aS 6S CLS ev ev Fee BSaesess a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ———- ’ -- —— WHAT MUST BE THE NEXT FASHION IN BONNETS. FINAL PREPARATORY VISIT OF MR. PUNOH TO THE SCHOOL OF SOLDIERSHIP. THE CRYSTAL PALACE. Were aoe British soldiogs so valiant in fight ? 1 lg Ol! their lips being shaved and their belts being white, (Pion tee taert Circular ) And their heads being cropped and their stocks Leing tight, Mr. Puwcn, ac ied yy Mrs, Punch, avd attended by Toby, paid On these things their courage depends. a visit to the Crystal econ Monday Jest, in order to make a final , ; : iuspection of the building, aud, by special command 6f Men Masesry, _ saneee or de oy — — to report as to its feudiness for the reéeption of the Quer ’ Torn meee Oy Ne ant oS Chetan, ml and the nation om the 10th of June. And s0 narrow ss by a large méssure to {ni Of coveri answ Mr. Punch was conducted through the building by Sm Josern | RD eaeeinge aeeer aage Paxton, to whom with his Highness’s usual affability, he was pleased Their charge is resistless ; and wherefore ’tis plain. to ox himself in termsiof condescending encouracement, so grace- | By taking their epaulettes off in the rain, fully need between cordial recognition and unalloyed approbation And preserving them free from a speck or a stain, as to produce the happiest effect upen the mind of the auditor. Their courage is kept spotless too, Mr. Punch then selected the site which it was his intention to op it a ti doubted and cles oceupy during the inaugurétion, stating to Six Foseri that he had not 1 a a . — +e caine fe ot deemed it necessary, although solicited, to take part in the ceremony, Zuas mee WRO ae a * di 2 t oat & He was’the godfather to the edifice, having originally invented and iheir — erage — eas ia conferred upon it the title of the Caysran Patace; but he should y beiug compelled so to do. leave to his friend the Archbishop the entire solemnities of the day, ; / : - including an announcement which Dra. Suwwer had most kindly under- | taken to make, ry that at - rw instance 4 ~ Queey, | TEETOTALISM AT THE CRYSTAL PALACE. arrangements woul at once effected for opening the Palace on | } ‘ | Sundays. This announcement Mr. Punch fe ae immediate} A deputation of teetotalers last week took their melancholy way to ye y | the Crystal Palaee with the Directors against th | precede the anthem, “ When the Poor saw Her, then they blessed | *#e Ory alaee, to remonstrate with ti ond t ofr Her.” bo b- vend to visitors the abomination of wine anc re it es Mr. Puneh then accepted from the gentleman in charge of each | of Riddaws; eed. A Ae 4. of on. — decently | department a small memorial of the visit—a cube of mosaic from | oovered with a suit of d wai the god’s vine-bound head surmounted Ponvpeii, a from the Alhambra, and a feather from one of | hy broad-brimmed hat. This slight improvement of the antique was Ma. Larano’s bulls, being among the articles. The eurator of the | merely adopted to show the purif and reforming spirit with which antediluvian reproductions also insisted on Mrs. Punch’s taking away | teetotalism would invest the mischievous incitements of Greck art. A an Ichthyosaurus gigantious, as a trifle for her wursery. muslin cap (the authenticated property of the late Hsxxau Mong) The same ome Punch made his report to Hxx Masesty. It | has been sent for the acceptance of the Venus pz Mepicis. was marked by the brevity wiich characterises all the compositions | b 4 | of his Highness. We have been favoured with a copy. ’ . “My | A Prerry Sare Prorpuecy.—There is but little doubt, hefore the ADAM, . War is over, that the Emrzzon Nicuoxas will find all his roubles “ Tt will do,” “Puncu.” turned into troubles.

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ene A. ne ets te D3 Tee 9 - eerste hy era en ° ; 4 t© we a — PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL WHAT NICHOLAS HEARD IN THE SHELL. eer ara: Apolying to bis ear, The convolutions of a smooth-lipped shell.”— Walter Savage Landor. Aye—press it to thine ear, till confusion growing clear, Thou canst read the mingled voiees that fill its womb of war ; Hoarse sounds of fierce commotion, like the distant roar of oeean, Drowning sobs mixed with hymns as of devilish devotion, Sabres clashing—houses erashing— Horses’ hoofs at gallop dashing— And the thunder of great gans from afar. And thy pale cheek warms with life at the melody of strife, And thy firm lip is clenched firmer, and thy knit brow sterner grows— | But hark'—what hash is creeping o’er that mad sound onward | sweeping ? } And then upon the silence that burst of bitter weeping ! How it sweileth! how it knelleth ! , | Hlow of broken hearts it telleth ! Cursing thee up to Heaven, as it goes ! Hark again to those faint groans '—the fever-stricken moans Of victims that are fattening the dank Dobrudscha plains ; And mixed with that low moaning chaunt of full-fed priests intoning, By the side of the Almighty their Autocrat enthroning. And now, nearing, English cheering, Blent with French—unweleome hearing, And a clank—as it were falling chains. Hark, still, unwilling ear, as nearer and more near War’s music from the North blends with roaring of the sea. Ha! knowest thou that thunder ? ’tis thy forts that topple under ; 1. . 5 |impassive countenances and profound gravity, as well as by the tre- | mendous bulk of the civic magistrates, and overcome by the fumes of | saerifice ascending from the altars of their turtle-ary deities, it may be ‘expected that the messengers will decamp with consternation, and Ir tter i ity of ring into effect the mandate for |report the utter impossibility of carrying into effe | the extinction of a senate consisting of such reverend persons. LADIES LN RICH ATTIRE. } NDER the head of “ Fashions for June,” Le Foillet mentions Broadsides that shake the piles of St. Petersburg asunder,— And strange noises, like the voices Of a people that rejoices To be conquered into freedom by the free! Clash of prison doors wide flung; bursts of joy in Polish tongue ; Frantic greetings, as of those who ne’er thought to meet again ; Hearken yet, with chafing patience, to those hymns of up-ris’n nations, | On whose throat thy hand hath pressed like a vice for generations, | And the clamours of the hammers, And the levers and the rammers, That are hurling great Dagon to the plain! MAJESTY OF THE CIVIC SENATE. How delighted Lorp CampsBett, who loves the Lorp Mayor and the City, will be to find that the civic dignitaries are behaving as such, by taking a dignified line! Witness what occurred at a recent Court of Aldermen; whereat, according to the newspapers, “The Lonp Mayor informed the Court that he had received the report of the Commissioners of Corporation Inquiry from Lorp Paimersroy, in which report it was sugges'ed that the Court of Aldermen should be totally abolished. “Atperman Wine moved, without making @ single comment upon the contents, that the document be referred to the Committee of Privileges. “The motion was carried unanimously.” In this abstinence of the Aldermen from all remark on their enemies proposal, what a sublime expression was there of silent contempt! It is really quite Roman, and may be considered to evince the spirit of the Capitol rather than that of Cheapside. There is every reason to believe that the Committee of Privileges will recommend the Fathers of the City of London to follow the example which they seem to be taking from a memorable act of the Corporation of the Eternal City, and that the Civie fathers will adopt the recommendation. Should the abolition of their Worshipful Court be determined upon, the! Aldermen will make a grand effort of passive resistance against the | execution of the decree. Clad in their searlet robes, and wearing the insignia of their office, their Worships will assemble im their Hall of Legislation, and taking each their respective seats, await the approach of the envoys, appointed to command their dissolution, in solemn silence. The Ricut Honowrase tue Lorp Mayon, also attired in full costume, and sitting in his chair of state, will preside over these | venerable men. To heighten the solemnity of the scene the images of > “A third robe of white taffetas, with large cheques in vari- ous shades of blue.” We have heardof | ladies having thou- | sands of pounds on | in the shape of jewels, but now it | seems they have | carried the rage for | valuable ornaments tothe pitch of wear- ing large cheques. ho draws these cheques we should like to know; ifthe | papa of the wearer he must be very kind: if the husband, a miracle of | ity, A dress decorated with cheques would be a catching dress in a ball-room : but an must have few natural charms inceed to | well as cheques, toget stand in need of such - ishments. By rich but ordinary widow might be worn with propriety and wisdom, if it is wise on the | of party to marry; and indeed she might wear notes as y ot ther with gold and silver a. But, although a lady cannot have ar pesbes pieked of the money which is outside | that, for safety, she had better put it in her of her dress, we think erwise, a dress of which the pocket than stick it on her skirts. ‘ornaments were cheques would have this advantage, that no capital | | would be sunk im those ornaments; so that although they would render a costume rich, they would not make it equally extravagant. A BIT OF A SEE. An account of the ceremony of indosting te new Bisnor oF Satis- | BuRY on Wednesday last week, mentions that among other formalities of that proceeding, “Here Mr. Atrorp dug a turf frem the field, and delivered it to his Lordship as seisin of the temporalities of his see.” Last Wednesday week was the Derby day, when the turf would naturally be uppermost in the minds of the generality of people, but if this was the reason why Mr. Avorp presented the Bishop with a pase of the substance so called, it was certainly an extravagant act of orse-worship. ‘To present a man with a clod of earth before a number of people must greatly embarrass the recipient of the gift, as he could not eat it, might be considered ungracious if he threw it away, and would hardly be able to put it in his poeket. What is this for ? is the uestion that might naturally have been asked by the Right Reverend elate; and his Lordship, who perhaps knows something about singing-birds, may have conjectured that fi a turf intended it for a lark. ORTHOGRAPHY AT WAR. Is it Kronstat with a K ? Is it Cronstat with a C? Is it Cron with s, t, a, d,t? Or do you leave out the d? Is Sebastopol the word ? Or Sevastopol do you say ? It really does seem most absurd’ Not to spell one name one way. THE RIGHTS OF WOMAN. Ir is sometimes asked, What would be the consequence if ladies the mmortal Goo and Magog will be placed upon pedestals at the were eligible to sit in Parliament? One result of admitting individuals back of his Lordship’s throne, from above which they will frown down of the fair sex to vote in the House of Commons, i upon the intruders with indignation and astonishment. Awed by the the practice of pairing. to increase he gentleman who gave him |

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— ~¢-++ ++ —-- + - ++ +-- +++ -—_ 4-4-4 SO + OH ~y

See P. 236. {Puxcu, No. 67

SHELL. THE HEARD IN AS b ~ NICHOL WS) eter?) 4 q AT < =. 13 WH

June 19,

ek Re ee

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: 7 Ue 4 UF . Hit If H) Mh y jer j

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 241 | — RE-DRESS FOR THE ARMY. We are happy to announce a sudden and decisive fall in the Stocks , : . of the British Soldier. Our army may now be quoted at its full value, | ‘° which a seat in the Upper without those dreadful coupons which threatened to cut their heads and in an affair of des e valour, in which all would be “neck or} stiffness of their necks. their han possess property to the amount of £10,000. It is estimated * the majority of ten thousand pound men in Victoria are Publicans, | A SENATE OF PUBLICANS. Tue Colony of Victoria has fist agreed to a Constitution, according ber is accessible to those ony who that re may be wisdom in constituting a Senate of Pub- nothing,” they will no longer be likely to be reduced to nothing by the | md it, is poe. therefore, that the publie interest may be safe in | will Lat ape the ——_y = authorities hd give oe + Te- dress for their grievances, tho we suspect that, but for the dressing | : a 3 bon a Yt panes hy: ) sathors: Pay have laws they enact. | delayed still longer step they have at last taken. We do not quite) | approve of the mode suggested for covering the deformities and dis- wiles A, the ‘Bar of rey odd who probably be in favour of very moderate measures, and will be disposed to look rather to the spirit than to the letter of the | Some awkwardness may be ipated im a Senate of Publicans, ted to them by cam ony hope, that when an the , or Stairs that a We may e of an aristoeracy of malt | comforts of the head-dress, by turning the bear-skin cap into, | a sort of belster, and putting it iste's glen aun Sueb, however, is Act of rae © on a . U to, be the plan adopted, for Ma. S.oxey Heneznt informs us, the GUM OF phi —_ draw AES LT xy + tote’ ted with for thet in on a | Sion cill be cioposed Co thiek weap tall beer | inom, foe the protection on faa heat” nt Sus Akos Compownd of walle) and hope. a We do not see why because we are fighting on the side of Turkey, | THE LORD CHANCBLLOR’S STANDING ARMY. our soldiers are to be made to resemble “the turbanned Turk ;” and | we 5 that it would be better to adopt a new hat of lighter | material, than attempt to get rid of the inconveniences of the old, by adding to its bulk as well as its unsightliness, We shall have| most as great an objection to our soldiers displaying on their heads the white disbelout, as we shoujd to their showing the white feather. A “ROW IN THE BUILDINGS.” We can scarcely regret there having been “‘no house” on Tussday in the Commons if, wheu a house is made, there is nothing better to be | done than that which took place on Thursday night, when there was a| regular “row in the buildings ” devoted to the sittings of Parliament. Lorp Joun Russext and Mr. Disraeti went at it “hammer and tongs” —an expression which we should think must own “ ninny-hammer and tongues” as its most appropriate origin. The scene was almost as discreditable as an affair between “the Slasher” and “the Nobby one” for the benefit of “the Spider,” or some other hero of the belt and| plenty of qolgnent in yeviewing, Os a is s boxing gloves. Loxp Joun’s hitting was bold and straightforward, | of the Chancellor. while Disagct proved himself the artful dodger of the ring, and put! secretaries, three messengers, in a few of his celebrated “nasty ones” with an effect that was truly | three two mace-bearers, a tips rae 4 and eed making an effective When we reflect upon the immense power j men, we may judge of the elec at once on the pocket of a suitor a cate, However disagreeable, if not very damaging. It is to be regretted that, while blackguardism has pa lost its patrons im the prize ring, it should | officers. still amuse an audience im the Hause of Commons, and while -the “ noble art of self-defence ” is at a discount owt of doors the “ ignoble | of we: arts of personal attack ” are at a premium in t, by them NWATEVER dotbt there ma =, have been ap to the suffi- | cie of owr military and colt arrangements, there can be no question as to | the hi lective state of the and men forming the standing army under | the com of the Lorp Cuancetton. This power- ful and imdeed al mur- derous f seems to be kept up evidently on # war footing. It is to be re- et that there is no onger a Court of Review for such a Court would find jae laced under the com- num as no less than three -bearers, three court-keepers, a gent of the chamber, of no less than twenty nted by this body ect of an attack made formidable may be au or corps of rank and file, we all know that - 7 there is nothing so damagin : i gary , ate as coming into LINES TO THE FIRST LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY. | Wet with ioe Melk knows Be Of will be made to place this formid. My old friend, Sim James Granam, h ?—what, always the same ? At your old tricks again—oh, for shame, Sir, for shame ! Will you make me re-roast You to cinders almost . For your name being once more mited up with the Post ? ’Tis your work and affair For the Navy to care ; For the Navy; whereon no expenses we spare. And yet Narien’s brave crew _ Get their letters when due ' . Some six weeks ; if at all: and of course they blame you ? An epistle, if we Should direct it “ Black Sea,” In the Baltic, most likely, deliver’d would be.’ Now, is this not the case ? And can you have the face To deny that you ’ve grossly neglected your place ? IN THE PRESS. WV ANDERINGS OF AN ENGLISH LADY'S MAID IN RUSSIA. i —Edited by RICHARD COBDEN, Esq., M.P. This Tale of Our Times—in which the sufferings and persecutions of this estimable female, who, on the Decla- ration of War between Great Britain and Russia, was magnauimously turned out of | St. Peter-burg, to find. with one box only, her way to Berlin, where she arrived in poor health and questionable spirits—this Moving Story will be Edited for the benefit | of the Victim, by Ricuazp Cuspex, Esq, M.P., who in a recent » so eloquent. dwelt upon the General Felicity of English Servants in and of Governesses, and Euglish Ladies’-Maids fo Particular. ‘th able force at the disposal of Lonp Ragian; for if amy power can make the Empznon ov Kussia pay for his temerity, it would be such an engine as that to which we have alluded. Should the Chancery corps be ordered on foreign serviee, there are thousands who would witness its departure with delight, and would feel that if sent to the right-about, the power which been regarded with so much at home must strike terror into the breast of the foreign enemy. Another Pogtponement, Tue Government despatches, and the delivery of the Baltic letters, have been post so long in consequence of the war. It has been felt that they would only tend to agitate and confuse person’s minds, if made publie at the present eritical moment. Consequently it has been ought expedient to defer the publication of the despatehes and the delivery of the letters until the war is completely over. MUNCHAUSENOFYF. FrayKkLIn, according to ee rey thea 5 Gent bows and arrows were wi ought not to have been . Caaialy feo could fight the Cash on equal terms, we should have recourse to the Bow. Great News for Russia. Porrueat has declared a perfect neutrality in the Tarkish quarrel ! Are we to be surprised at this? By no means. For how often, even at the best regulated tables, have we found that Portugal has nothing whatever to do with the Port in question. Comvort ror Maycuester.—The Russians cannot take our cottons general, but they are at least receiving a great many cheeks.

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| 242 PUNCH, _OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. THE NEWSPAPER AT BREAKFAST. Jo Mr. Puwcu. salary confiscated. al “Bat, Sir, how do these twelve exeuses, the regular ones in Pim- lico, atone to me for the discomfort of breakfasting without my news} r? m,—I am a resident bosom, and to sign myself, in Pimlico. We have | “ Your attached Subscriber, various grievances : 4 AS RANELAGH. here, such as Pusey-| Esury Baran ism (which involves | a a belleinging at un-| heard-of hours in the | HOW TO BRING THE WAR TO A TERMINUS, ing,) ;bad drain- . ms , eo ially Close | THe papers are continually describing some new wonderful engine to the Palace of our | °f destruction, which is not only to annihilate a whole army at one very Gracious Sove-| “¥P, but in due time to annihilate war itself. The greatest engine of | astonished that the English Government has not Reval Blue) (the Emrrnor a most elaborate railway plan, stating that they would only ese thi if one | necessarily, remendous, but the gai would be this :—The Armies, a at . of course, would be conveyed by these railways, and if care was taken per at breakfast ‘© appoint well tried, drunken stokerson each line it is very clear that time. Sir, that is’) 20 country, whatever its resourcés Might be, could ibly stand what we cannot get UP long against such a terrific system Sn Piaatico. war would probably be brought to “My breakfast) having been fought, and we j hour, Sir, is ten | Steat loss of life these railway-en o’clock. When] pay }S¢lves in the eonsoling thesight a visit to Brighton (a| Of exterminating an enemy so ft very pleasing watering } 1a. t place), I breakfast af) S——— > ee — nine, and have the} Times wpon my table} ct thathour. In Pim- lico, which is some- : what nearer the pub-| lishing office of that it is impossible to obtain it until eleven, | twelve, or any other faney hour which may suit our news-agents, and | | we the Boys. bd a | “When you order to be regularly supplied to you, the news- | paper man “anilens wed lushingly assures you that it shall be at your) _ door as the ¢lock strikes the hour you mention. “ T have made, Sir, a list of the excuses and allegations which, for | the last fortnt is to say, twelve days, excluding Sundays), { have been to me as explanations why my Times was not ex | delivered within —two hours—three hours of its being due. a “4 was not sure the num my : Monday, The: about ber of my house very stu 1 would be right in frture. “ Tuesday, myths Coe got fighting with rival news-boys, and they | had taken eveyone of his unhuckil one \ iy the one intended for me. “ Wednesday. "Vive: eager a 10, where the gentle- ent LL dhe fnelined to forgive the destruction had been to our- | man refused to g to be a mad party, leastways | | he swears avwful, : What do I care ?) | “ Thur: : Bo is that both Houses of Parliament sat so/ | dreadfully. Iate Tast ‘ ; that all the oe are late.~ (Bhis is an oe story, as the Lords do not sit on Wednesday, and the Commons! ogee 0 ote IEA eal “ Friday. +E money, when. he got to the place} in the Strand where the papers are obtained, found he had to come back, as they give no : ad } “ Saturday. The Boy had run away. “‘ Monday. The Boy, being a new one, engaged in place of the runaway, did not know the streets about our neighbourhood. “ Tuesday. ‘The Boy had knocked, he was prepared to make affidavit, on times, but could not make my.servants hear, so went away in caespalr. ’ “ Wednesday. The Boy had obtained his copies of the Times, but, putting them down in the shop where they were sold, while he paid, a on leaving, a bundle containing nothing but Supplements so A Strange Sympathy. 0 go ; r- | A CorresroxpEeNT accounts for the st 8 that at Thursday. The Boy thought he had wnderstood from my servant | present exists between Russia and Prasad. in PA heLsoogd (who went round in wrath for the journal), that I was going out of town, At the head of the fi ON the latter i and therefore su —_ it did not matter about bringing the . @ head of the former is NicBoLss— man ot the om; oe Friday. The f y reports that the Fiae tidchine, shich aie the pore Soa Now. the she patos eos 5 bes Nick, papers, had broken down, and no-papers would be out till the middie of 37° *© vnderfuf. tI peepee an a Fe the day. (L d that seighhotrs tell this i ; thing so very wonderful, therefore, (he says) in the fact of Old Nick ete een Sowing salable te au ~~ ee, | and a May-Devit walking hand-in- and taking their political office. Hardly a day passes but somebody in our street receives this | S*PS together ' _ pateleaee, as a reason why he has not got the Zimes, while other peo ve. “ Saturday, The Boy came home with a statement that in conse-| Tus Americans appear to have found J a country of polish, so quence of the Rooshian war and the rise in beer, the Zimes would not | considerable as to render it quite worthy of its name. What is still be published any more, He demanded his week’s money, but, I am’ better, they have been under no necessity of taking the shine out of it. JONATHAN AT JAPAN. | informed, received more -kicks than halfpence, and indeed had his “Permit me respectfully to pour my sorrows into your friendly | | | reign), abominably | destruction that we are acquainted with is a we — we soft be too hay if he would but allow them, to cover the whole of his | t tons. A PY, 4 4 ? | Sco taa whe ra mighty — with railways, free of expense. The outlay would, | t f wholesale r. The | ey liad been the happy mears | ble in point of mumbers, as

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_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE PROBABLE END OF NICHOLAS. Arrze having, mere obstinate pride, cansed the yee in | Windsor and Richmond: and occasionally pull up to relieve a beggar. most cases agonizing, of many thousands of human 2 cena brought | All of which doings would be chronicled im the — under the | wounds, mutilation, and revolting outrage upon —_ aps aS many more, | headings of “Muwtricence or Nicwoxas,” or “ Bengvotence or = et it is very likely ¢ Nic#oLas any tet | tHe Ex-Emrgzor or Russta,” &c. &c. Nay.woe may live to read | be torn in pieces by subjects, or executed by captors. Indeed, Eine ia tap te, 7 - fell into the hands of the Allies, dethronement, probably, would be the | to bien extremity of ie pe which it. would be thought possible to inflict | .5)" tess peommaan wen bon Pe “e on the Thief and Murderer, who would then be styled the “ Lng Ma, Baiour. Bajesty h,” & . We expect that he would be allowed to retire | in forcible the ; where a palace would be provided for his accom- | becomes pavers to modation, which he would occupy alternately witha suite of ore at the Clarendon, and at. the Star and Garter. ceutementt ina Mollified by se we should then have our friend NicHonas | horizontal Bear a hed, ¥ doing the amiable. He would ‘visit national schools and in serneion,| 6 should be express interest in the scholars, and sympathy with the sufferers, | and put. his mame down for donations to the institution. He would go won “ihe veo << over Chelsea and Greenwich Hos oe 9 and chat with the veterans. | been ago hushed He would {subscribe to soup-kite Bible Societies, and now | rie and then attend missionary meetings. wife would take drives about | tormentor’s A i — ene - aah . =" a “A a Ses

NICHOLAS 1N THE POUND.

A War Minister Wanted. Dead Levellers. Ir is at length decided that we are to have a War Minister; 2| “ Aw average physician is enough for St. Bartholomew's Hi distinet functionary, whose whole mind shall be rolled up in the con- ino-eneniiogse &. Gover abies Institution, writing to the me ge ; whose every silent thought shall be mute the opinion of some of his brethren. More enough, we explode with destructive power at a touch: a| think. An av Nin Pg bt wh» _—S diminish the number of oof paint Teter whose 5 algerent maner shall x, once announce hin 0 with a rapidity the most sanguinary indi the beholder, as ‘Barranyra’s sage 3 at fm bs ws or three different have been name or tte bos they have, more or less, wal pemons hs but one name has hitherto been most shamefully Nero and Nicholas. passed over, and that name is—Jouy Siieny, Arren the burning of Rome it is said that Exrenon Nero was found playing the fiddle. HEncrznon aaa ay it seems, has been [nein abe Mane Soe burning of Odessa, Spanish Honours. “it most certainly has been found he played the liar. Tae Queen oF Spars has. showered a lot of Spanish orders upon | Turkish. officers.“ Madam” (says the ghost of Doctor Jonyson| Crry Tyre.ucence.—“ would not be a turtle,” prettily ass eee oe “before you so ibute your favours had you not | remarked an in our heating, “I would not be a tartle better cousider what they are worth ?” because then I could not eat it!”

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| JENKINS AT A FASHIONABLE WEDDING. were is a season for whitebait, a season for oysters, a season for “ baked-taturs,” and is a season for Jexxins, who is coming out with a richness of flavour that will justify our ——_ him up from time

- to time to om rede Z3 a8 an. occasional dish 27 os omen, a, Nope to dress him in his | 7 garnish him in his own} arti Hfcial al fers. We shall not give the mblic too much of him, for Jenkrns re-| Loved by JENKINS would be as bad as calf’s head replaged by calf’s head. The of the Bani or Durwam | and the Lapy Beataice Hamittow, far-| nished a theme recently for the génius of | Jexkrns, who sets out by announcing that “The event which unites the noble houses of | Lameronw and Hamitros creates ties of relationship between a cumber of our most ancient and distin- |

. guished families.’ t We like the majestic mode in which father Jewxrns, taking at once a the _— il and parental characters of royalty, adopts as “ours” a number of the most ancient and distinguished families. These families appear to be raised to an elevation even more than Royal, by the , | recognition bestowed on them by Jenkiys, who says— “Ithas been our lot to be present at jan formance of the hymeneal ceremony, when the bride and bridegroom very highest families next to Royalty, and when even Royalty itself attended my sonst to the occasion ; but in no instance whatever, within our reeollestion, bas the general body of visitors included so large @ portion of the élite of society.” There was, in fact, such a crush of aristocracy, ‘ That many noble individualé who, under ordinary circumstances, wonld have been accommodated near the alter, had to take their chance in those parts of the sacred building appropriated to free seats, de.” t, “under ordinary circumstanees,” the aris- toa position near the altar, which we thought to the ity children, though we can under- pasies hay feel: with those who “had to ” a chance to which—after carrying | a pew—he must have been often| We were not aware tocracy were drawn up was usually aporop stand the s§ mpely 28 take their dente the Prayer Rate t to ms door >] subjected. lt is clear that Jewxtys did not immediately force his way into the

a enh

e- church, for we him, as usual, hanging about the railings, or 7 occupying, one of his ordinary posts—a lamp-post in the vicinity. “ At eleveno’clock,” he says, “ the company began to arrive,” and for three-quarters of an hour a long succession of Carriages were hee ae ee Se “setting down.” It is extremely ble that, durimg these three- quarters of an hour Jenxixs himself experienced “ ‘a tettiog a” more than onee from the whose duty it was to keep the pressure from the guests at the wedding. i eat ae Fete: NKiNe, “ pot wy in marshalling aud Some li ty which must have made Jenxrvs disposing of the barn to aly bn ttn im ealling up and ordering off the various | a: SAA

Z vehicles, to inform us that . “The bri by his ‘ best man,’ arrived in an ordinary brongham. 4 His lord-hip wae by the public outside, and entered the church unnoticed.” Sal How is this, Jewxrxs? There has been an unpardenable omssion on your part, for if you recognised “his lordship,” a timely shout from yourself of “‘ Hollo, boys, hollo!” would have at once been respond led to, and your remark on the bridegroom having “ entered the church | unnoticed ” would not have beer justified. Jenkins and the crowd-soon found something with which they | were familiar, for “ The well-known Hawtttow ertmson liveries were immediately recognised, and the occupants of the carriages were respectfully greeted by the crowd.’ : These carriages we are told “consisted of three coaches belonging to the Marquis or ABERcorRN’s private establishment.” We were not aware that the Marquis had any public establishment of coaches, and though we have heard of some peers being job-masters on a very large scale, we do not believe that in this instance the imputation which the wkwardness of JenKINS clumsily suggests, is at all justified. After describing the contents of t © first two carriages, and giving — impertinently the age of one of the bridesmaids, Jew xxys tells us that “ The last carriage of all contained the infant Lany Maun Hawrrow, completing the interesting, and perhaps unexampled group of six sister bridesmaids.” Coe. ea et Kee oe ot Pa = Se ees Lime ewe 2 ae ol Serves x ee = eatin ee Does Jexx1ns mean to tell us that “the | was alone in the coach? for if such was the case, it is to be regretted that the Chan- cellor, who has ez officio the care of infants, did nat appoint somebody

| 244 _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | ment of their places, so disposed and | highly artistic tableau.”

to represent “ the infant” on this ssteresting grouped thewwelves, as tneonsciously to fone How are we to know that the was the effeet of chance ; and may we not presume that a of so much distinction had had the benefit of a dress re hear With a view to that perfection of the mise en scene which seems to have been accomplished? We deciine to follow Jenxuws in bis personalities, but we must ask we know we shall ask in vain—for an explanation of the following paragraph “The features of the venerable Couwress oF ror erowned with the reverend honomrs of age, contrasted touchingly with those of the brilliant beauty of the younger ladies présent.” We cannot exactly see how age can be said to Re Pee os es with “honours,” though age, we know, plays sad “ features of all of us. Lt is bad enough of Jaxer & to fore the halls and staircases of xable world, le of | him to ransack the bridal trousseau for iis disease a list | of the presents given to the bride on her fh a porters allowed him to rammage among the luggaze of the ‘newly ly wedded pair, is quite unaccountable, and the extent of his curiosity ao te inferred from ho, pupoanenenes® on a Fay! bag ag ns present of t ee ee rs of the e’s family.” e lady’s od certainly deserved to lose her place for having given Jenkins to her lad wel-box. The present, however, that seems to a @ highest interest for JenKINS, was one. to which he Pag see ably toe “an envelope | case and blotting book, ” wha h had been by @ subscription from the w of all the domestics in Logp Aphaceees establish- ment; and their young “ Missus” cannot make a better use of it than to blot out the recollection of the account given by her too | obsequious domestic of her recent marriage.

CLASSICAL DEBATERS, CaticuLa or Nero? Who’s right, and who’s amiss ? That, THesices,’ 8 your hero, And GLADSTONE, yours is this. But to talk of ancient Romans, Your notes you should compare, With Tons Baccuus, Mars, Aroi-de-rol, your Doctor Lempriers. Unity is (not always) Strength. Waew Ssakesrzare spoke of—

“A voice potential, | As double as the Duke's,” he would seem to have made prophetic allusion to the double voice | which the Duxe or Newcastse be supposed to have im the Government, in pursuance of his double office of War and Colonial | Minister. Bie wus aeT |

Tae Russtan Freets.—The Emperor oF” that, if his sailors are worthy of their srg? spelt with a K.

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| anxious consideration by the authorities on the | Policeman A 1, | with ealm superiority, task of hnaging hack | have some | heen Syooxns assured that he was | of | police escorted him baek to the barrier, that he consented to fill a less _ obtrusive station. | The orchestra pomented a magnificent. blaze of white waistcoats, ape such a brilliant effect that the dazzled eye sought relief in the | other object of a soft and | the clocks in London, and put even the | gave of the f criticising | feat which requires a Pnroresson | whose lives have been devoted to forward movements, are not well to et to it. —— barriers, guarded by crowds of officials, each of whom was, no tf) PUNC | THE OPENING OF THE CRYSTAL PALACE. HE 16th of June, 1354, is destined to appone a Fed- letter in forthcoming shesaake, and to super- sede sueb important and mysterious announce- wients as Blaise, St. Cyp. L oy Enurchus in | comer &, all future calendars. The Opening of the Orystal Palate wit be better | : a NM "4 we iil 1! RAT | i H, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. Wit uy worth ehronicling than! whom all Bishop Chieh., of| \ ‘ik ae |: mention is made Winitatia here the Hats 1 Kverytaing the morning of the 10th of June, in honour ef the af the Orystal qpening alace, The sun ounies on the ehimney-pots ; palicanes smiled his =i om sa smiled on his = the vendors of spupi “Guide Books” om the road to the Palace smiled in their (shirt) sleeves at their customers. The visit of Mr. Punch had evidently been the subject of much lime of road, and drawn himself up—to his utmost height, to look had in at the window of the cab which farmed part of our escort. On arriving at the Central Trausept, we at once played our cards (of admission) inte the hands appointed to deal with them, and we immediately “ cyt in” with our partners. On gaining the interior, we were shown, with great politeness, the seat reserved for us; but} nobody knew the way As it seemed to be fortified by im- ubt, in his way a “great gun,” we looked at the taking of our seat as a piece of business almost as difficult as the takmg of Cronstadt, and accordingly after a little reconnoitring we sat down, as x opposite the ~— dais a There we had an opportunity of inspecting the Farnese Hencu.es, who seemed to be contemplating the failure of the pohiee in the truly Herculean the crowds, every individual of whieh seemed to ial reason for going into some s place, which had y reserved for some other person. In vam was Ma. ing the spot ed for the Ancasisuor oy Cayterpuny, for Me eyo 3 come resolved te “have his see,” while Surra was, with difficulty, persuaded to the place of the Prime Minister, into which the preven Sow suddenly a oy te ign ost position t russian ister, t he was coal mach emphatically by several voices, it was not tue ur collars of the aldermen’s gowns, or in the hair of their heads, or any sombre nature. Wonderful as was the effect of the harmony of a thousand voices, there was something so novel in the harmony of a thousand waisteoats that, for some time, the spectators seemed in the bosoms of the orchestra. With the arrival of Her Masesty, whose punctuality is enough to shame half of St, Paul’s on its metal, the business of the day co The presen the various Handbooks to the Qusen, was chiefly mteresting to the assembled multitude for the ppocpenity it i various degrees of dexterity with which learned ific gentlemen can go backwards down a flight of steps—a Ristzy, who perhaps from this cireumstance calls his gymnastic tricks a “ drawmg-room ” entertain- ment, rather than a Prorgessor Forses or a Proressor Owen. Men and calculated to take backward steps ; and it is no discredit to them that they failed in a movement of a re‘rogressive character. he books and addresses having been transferred to Lorp PaLues- sto, who never seems to feel that his hands can be too full, the royal 245 party ed the building, and we were glad to see that the Queen took unity of aiming a tremendous blow at the infinitesimal bonnet mania, for Her Masesty wears a real and a sensible bonnet, wee oe her subjects wear a crown—and nothing but a crown— as a ute. Of all the sha we | and fashion have taken, none in our recollection ha¢ equalled the modern bonnet-shape. After the departure of the royal y, the barriers were removed, bat such was the crowd, that even Punch found it difficult to circulate. The Refreshment Rooms mé a eounter-attraction to the numerous Courts ; =e we . A. very bitter — ote, price sixpence per g we e where were the “cheap an substantial viands” the directors had advertised. No doubt every defect will be remedied, and the thousand attractions already on the spot, will be multiplied a thousand times; but even at present there is enough to see to repay the cost ef a hundred vier, @ advise the whole world to get : at the Courts im the Crystal Palace, where every Court is worthy of the honour, is ably and faithfully =a —— Tr is all right, at last, with Lovrs Naroreom, The English alliance has, no doubt, done much for him: nevervheless something was wanting to fix his destiny. That something the Emperor has just conquered, in the admiration of Ma. Commissioyem Pwpi.irs, who in a review of “ Napoleon the ‘Vhird,” speaks of his ations as “ redolent of the spirit [of what opiit did they smell ?) of the first NapoLeoy, replete with all his fire, breathing all hig eloquence |” lt is said that 1s Naprocezoy is so much touched by the disinter- ested tribute, that he ay ty a to Ma, Pues a Saas, we the royal portrait at ti tom. er, ev the ° tbs amelvent expect to see their Comnintonan’ ae decorated with the geranium riband of the Legion of Honour. A Swim ip a Sump. “A Poor D ” in a the Times, complains that peo! —_ close to ie bores —_— = has to walk of a morning. anee might remedied by looking hard into the sky, or bringing bar bonnet forwards in defiance of the reigning fashion, so that its sides might serve the purpose of “ blinkers.” But this would not lessen the indelicacy of bathing in the Serpentine near the Bridge, or anywhere else in that piece of fluid that passes for water. Do the bathers know what it is into which they plunge? If they did, they would soon renounce all indulgence in a bath which, if dirt- cheap, is proportionately nasty, and which, though it may not be costly, a y sump-tuous. A Tip-topographieal Definition. Ay incurable punster, at present confined in Bedlam, declares that Austria has so n been a bankrupt, and her exchequer at present is in sueh a dreadful state of exhaustion that her title ought henceforth to be changed te ExaAvesratrs. THE OZAR’S CELLAR, Bere at war both with France and of champagne Russias has his supplies stopped ee ans on ad the Exprnon or Prench, aad we Vegetables for the Army. Ir has been that the Commissariat should issue rations of cauliflower to clothing Colonels, to compensate those gallant officers for the loss of cabbage which they have sustained through a recent AN ANGLO-FRENCH HINT TO WICHOLAS. “ Mou cher, le Jeu me vaut pas la Chandelle.” other words, the game are at present ing, my dear fellow, is aut Gaull nb ef Gut oor tlio tellin " Iwpzcwios.—The indecision of the Kine or Prussia is known now by a different term—it is called “ Berlin-Woolgathering.” ae es CHARACTER OF THE ~~ =, Neemenes ee boon the author mysfortunes to Russia, is an author w subjects will soon ent threadbare. ons Grezce (newly defined).—Since Greece has been backing up Kassia it has been called “the Ruestax Bean’s-Gazzce.” VOL, XXVI, BB

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— ee eS) ee ee r" si rane = sn LN

|

two Ne oo _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

“a Hi rat ty a" , LJ —————— <= roraae = ij je Wj js Managing Mamma. “ My coopyrss, ELLEN, HOW WRETCHEDLY PALE YoU RE; | tion.” FOR GOODNESS’ SAKE BITE YOUR Lips aND RUB YOUR CHEEKS.” ila

THE GOVERNMEN T smapeer onsen

of the Lone to the arrangements and we veying letters to The Woot sed the Baltie as satisfactory 's that we are not the at Martin’s-le-Grand es tes Ot tee, eet in fact, an - be more honourably earned. — than the one they have la let eep it for some six weeks, and then poor solder to whom it is addressed e t shillings for

i ey me oe = At Bovey Tracy . and Rev. Mr. - é Counraxat—a gig the Water S —* has been Yi } | making or a Ww basin.” Tee ese ey we leave it to the Brsuor o ld Np | ExETeR to adminis r to Mu. Courtenay a due toweling.

Dreadful Condition of Scotland. Tue Seotch are in such dreadful want of another Scotch- man, that an enthusiast in the Scoteman eooapape has has proved Nicnotas or Russia to be of If true, all the better for the Hig , we Should \say, that Nicuoxas is well out of them.

THE PALMERSTONIAN SYSTEM OF PENMANSHIP. In his justly celebrated character of judicious bottle-holder, Lorp PALMERSTON comes forward with an ink-bottle, and advice touching the emplo 5 ey of its contents. He will have ail the Press with him : for every Editor is too well vee aD with the misery inflicted by | illegible MS. There is, as the noble Lord remarks, a great want of ‘ aa teaching in the art of writing, and without having lived so long in the world as to be obliged to wear eee, or mount a double eyeglass, we cordially concur im his Lor proper and improper in that art :— “ The great bulk of the middle and lewer orders write hands too small and indistinct, and do not form their letters; or they sometimes form them by alternate broad and fine strokes, which make the word difficult to read. The handwriting which was generally practised in the early and middle part of the last century was far better than that now in common use, and nd Lon PALMERSTON would suggest that it would be very destrable that the at i s should be directed to this subject, and that their pupils should nab be taught to imitate broad printing than fine copper- plate engraving.” hip’s opinion as to what is

We may say that fine writing is as great a mistake in letters as it is in | literature—the chief use, whether of la: or characters, is to get understood. It isa duty to Me he intelligibly to both the intellect and the - There are some w the life’ of them, cannot perform this duty in either of its Ais Ren te Root persons !—but he who wilfully neglects it, or transgresses ies rogue, or at best little better than a rogue ; that is, a humbug. re is a =~ look about | flourishes with the pen, and florid phraseol a Senet and in, ¢ expression. By either is indicated a say: ty off at least, and in all show-off there is something of t the peters of ianpéai “om Not to g0 so far as to argue that a man’s moral Guptiter sabe De be ju handwriting, it may be affirmed that a letter well and plainly written is a letter of recommendation to the writer; raises a petentition at least | in favour of his ooree It is to be h hat Lory Patmerston will publish some copy: books with all t cold texts; “Familiarity doth breed Contempt,” and | the other es of our borhood newly written, in defiance and | contempt of that (effete of hght upstrokes and heavy down- strokes. And we also wi he would open a sehool in Downing St Street | ‘wherein to furnish instruction in penmanship on the Palmerstonian system. This establishment should be provided with a shop window, wherein the noble lord should the testimonials of whose handwriting has been bet by his imstruetions. would be — the converse of those which the public is now familiar with, hich exhibit, as the effect of so many weeks’ tuition under Mr. So and So, a uniform dead level of mechanical copy, differing from the scrawl,” which they are exhibited as renee ehiefly by a he the stamp of their ea ing general ‘aw et ee i Sa he pothooks ; saben si conside y worse these. Accordingly hereor altogether Loxp PatmeEgston’s window should consist of “ontrct Se ieses haasboriting deteriorated and handwriting developed. s thus :— 1. “ This is a specimen of my handwriting after ha been spoilt in six lessons by a common writing master!” and 2 ete This is my natural handwriting restored and amended by one hour’s practice in the system of the Home Secretary.” Lorp Patmerston has always wile ne for ability in Government, and whatever some think of that, they prin ny ee ee eee Hospitality in High Quarters.

gs sa alssid tie commen thet, De Pr osene) to be fetched from and made director of the Nati , is too to be a ai le, we have so very few places the British age exam a yn A ——"~ to see some litile ability, instead of being exclusively lavished on native talent.

BUFFON IMPROVED BY NICHOLAS. JUDGING ag hy from the quantity of Fe Dewms that have been ‘heard at St we 8 say that the Russian Eagle was, most decidedly, a red ot Pray.

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_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON

CHARIVARI

«4 iP dy a ! y | “I’LL PUNCH YOUR “EAD, DIRECTLY, IF YOU DON’T LEAVE ORFF. How DO YER THINK THE Waat'’s-a-NaMES 'LL BITE, IF YOU KBEP ON A SPLASHIN’ LIKE THAT?!” | RUDE AND CRUDE OBSERVATIONS. BY A PLATITUDINARIAN. Nong of us like the crying of another person’s ’s Ultimatum. to law, or ah ry y on getting out of it chalk with which a ma ha peer to our breasts to-morrow, doa dentro be for blinds ! Prinking like # fish,” to blame for it. Pure. Milk,” lives om of a well. which tell we the it’s rarely Conversati : hid for time, wntil it ion was hi A 92 Sans ho eee oe? Bem Ss eae pert things that ~

we cat, is often made ofthe Gild dete we tow tn our youth.

Se CarrraL Trraz ror 4 wew Company.—“ The | DisRaxLt Assurance Company.”

OUR CRITIC AMONG THE PAINTERS. No. 6. It is a great pleasure to find one’s own wits jamping with a brother critic’s, Papetinnsn ; for there are followers of the on. whom if I found of the same mind with myself upon a work of art, I sho = I must be wroi ee: But it is a bore when the other weer aha + t happens to be the first printed, as was the case in =, Sn ae, hemaaies weak, hed a ing may ay to a tune almost i's hefore the Spectator’s, and Py = (ee mind taking the same but I mention the oat lean ont oF pide, or to icion of plagiarism, than that my readers may assign proper to either of our opinions from its coinci- he Spectator must be nght; or if Musos be right, Ruapa- MANTHUS can’t be wrong. ou are quite safe in pinni our hat you are to do when we iffer Id Thus, my lord and lady faith on the two of us jaay Zoli amps Teen bo advise ; and I find we do differ on one jcture—Mn. y - {iss Mrvxos calls it “sentimental”—using the J 1s) 4 I confess that neither from the word can itt th the picture nor t what Muxos objects to. It seems to me, for bd mother, with , is accompanying her boy—on his way to embark for } tan voy The train nearly reached its destina- tion; and from the a voyage. of the second-class carriage you see the mae of Gotta shipping, sone which is the tr heerd of which our in- Lr. my of parting gun to work nthe widow's fre I fide of ari grief is setting in the sister’s hard to gulp down his pam = shame = op eemians im company with his “old woman,” to that she faces it like a stoic, ™Th . ott he heads to e expression seems at obtrusively rendered. I wish Misos means by “sentimental,” when he uses I presume he employs I vow I can see nothing is one +» ~ was in the been must own that to 7 ~~ it excels everything the painter of it has hitherto p ion at, that no two men looking for them can miss rt Wit thsse Given aoe, want owe seman have written or may write upon the subject of the y Among the painters who this year have ved oe aa touching their mother earth, I ought to oo [new stsagth by Srowz, who in the Old Old Story (whieh he has boon talline, in ver variety of costume this many oy 4 a yea), has got —= a reviv: and fresh character by ry s bag abe pe pees Ae —— picturesque, real ah, I suits out of Wardour There is one —— t for notice which aims higher, both 'in the ignity of the subj the scale of its presentation, than any T here ot aluded to mean Mr. E. M. Wanp’s Pietare of Argyle’s Las » Bacept bi his Marie Antoinette in the Temple, Mn. W anv has Te his. To be sure, there are still his unpleasant cabot is a well-chosen one. A widowed i concerns Lat sisterly, and filial love ; and the workings of these ti various affections are without weakness or over-forcing. picture and are touched by it; and 1 all shown the

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Nt , elaboration. But the work leaves me unmoved, unaffected, unim- | | gave him a more knowing wag of the wattles over treasure-trove of charity? We ask it; is there not, O Exeter a5 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. the catalogue or on the walls, at once and, as it were, instinctively f.} oF oer = pois os geeerene ooo agree wee the same rn I TEETOTAL TRUTH! will say nothing of Mx, Grant’s simple and man rtrait of Lorp . . Joun, or of his massive head of T. iB Mecamay. -_ |, ie ALLANTLY fajthful to their [ have intentionally forborne to speak of Mr. Macuise’s picture. | Ay " tragic threat, half-a-dozen I respect the thought and courage, visible all through it, the painter’s t 5 teetotallers met together last mastery of hand in details of drawing, and his honest and conscientious week at Exeter Hall, to de- nounce the contemplated ini- mity of the Crystal Palace y, who propose to vend wine and malt to the pressed. [I neither feel the horror of the slaughter, nor the grim | irony of the bridal, Any raptures I might throw myself into over it would certainly be insincere ; any eetgenent I might give way to| would deserve to be called impertinen ho can fail to see that the AF same Sydenham pilgrims. The strength of no common man been put forth on that vast canvas?) ° gy V | ze Sal ceree BOCES WOO ade = Before I venture to jadge it I should wis’ to see it hung in some vast) . $$ = y Saay. rous, but —_—— oo Men dirty water was — —_ we say, especially ~-“ Eevee ae aaa ] py ee $ ce aposties 1 eh, all sufficient to morals if they abstain from alcoholic Gothie hall where, in rivalry with painted glass and bright tapestry, it) would, I believe, have an effect and signiticance which here, amid the) 3 crowded and garish commonplace of the Academy walls, it is not to| = its diseredit to be wanting in. | : : And now, bd owt menones pe ead fanciful head, by| Anmirace, calle ¢ Lotus Eater ; Creswicx’s Landscapes—in the ; re style of potject ae rae oops poring rey an by less. , , Le tor D and cnown hands, especially two still Welsh river bits of Ma. Deanze’s ; | . ‘ ; a. : a little glade oy Kentish wood, by a new man, Rose, and an admi- Slander,—if they drink #0 wine. They may deal in hypocrisy, they rable View Toulon, with a shelving beach and a ragged seaside Shun spirits: they may maul the dead, if they avoid beer-cask. It track, by a Toulonnais, Courpowax, in which the arid ashy-coloured | ™atters not how dirty be their speech if their water-botiles contain hills \ a given with a terrible truth, and which, with the caly the pure lymph. They may wound like wasps, if they only eschew wonted courtesy of the Academy hangers, as the work of a foreigner, €S- Wing. as " ; ‘ las been put down close to the egy “Bae really exhausted all _ the, The Eat or Hannrycror (it is somet to cateh a live earl in Exhibition that has left such an impression on my mind as to render a| Water; @ celebrity only second to the secom coming hippopotamus) catalogue unnecessary. No, I had forgotten a masterly portrait of Dr. presided over the minnows ; and made a very signifieant speech ; quite Blakiston, by a painter unknown to me, bearing the same namé—um-| Characteristic of the veracity and temperance that ordinarily distinguish pretending, small, but marvelously finished, rich in colour, appropriate | these hydrocephalous Cicenos. He said—the good, veracious Earl !~ in details, and unmistakable in characterization. Look for that portrait, | "© said :— my lord and lady public; it will repay the trouble, though the search! «The Directors were not allowed to make a gin-shop of the Palace, but yet they had may be a long one—and, when you have gone down on your knees to | made it a large beer-shop. (Cheers.) In eonelusion he stigmatised the act of the Di- it (which you must do) tell me what you think of it. rectors as obtaining money under false pretences, bersess Se people had subscribed Let me also applaud the cocks and hens of Mr. Hucerns; they are | “™“*" ‘Be Delief that the charter would be carriod.ont. (Cease) almost miniatures of the poultry yard. Neither Honvivs nor Honpe-| Js there not such a thing as evil speaking under assumed _benevo- koerer ever planted King Chanticleer more royally on his legs nor! lence; is there not slandering under false pretences of Christian Hall ! And Exeter Hall barleyeorn or grub. And it is something to see even cocks and hens) does not echo “ Not!” —_ with such nice observation and genuine sympathy as Mr.| Another er informed the meeting that they had had an inter- {vueetns shows in his little pictures. I hereby dab him painter in| yiew with the President of the Board of Trade, from whom they ordinary—de la basse cour. : thered that the Home Office (sensible, astute Parwerston! Genuine It is not pleasant to think that in so short a compass should be com-| hater of crawling humbug, or humbug rampant!) “saw no feason for prehended all that a eritic by ecalling—suppose him the barrenest opposing the introduction of wine and beer, but that they would of his craft—can find to say, honestly and with meaning, of an exhibi-| egelude spirits |” ‘ tion containing some 1200 works, within his judgment. Perhaps this} Another Orator much wondered that “the Ancwsrsnor or Carer is his fault. Let him hope for the arts’ sake it may be. | outed should consecrate a beer-shop.” Possibly this intiocent tle- a | man had never heard, of if so, had wholly forgotten the fact of Owz ~ - ae ” a weddin yoy - =, 7, - “wry 9 owever, the EEN is to next assanli ese er . E'EN IN THEIR ASHES LIVE THEIR WONTED FIRES.” who tnows that en Masest did not herself take a glass of wine to Govervor Hvpnarp of the Bank of England has made a noble the sucess of the Crystal Palace, even as, a few days since, she cracked stand upon the churchyards of London. He gallantly sets his back ® bottle to the good fortune of the Royal Albert. We trust that Hen | | against a tombstone, and defies the sacrilegious rabble who would inter- Masesty will be duly protected from the impertimence of these Tem- fere with the gold-mines (belonging to the Church) in every city church- Petatice Apostles. Mr. Punch always desires to respect the liberty of yard. Nevertheless, we fear the chureh-yards are doomed; and, what the sabject ; nevertheless, it would not throw him mto a very violent is worse, the bishops and archdeacons and deans who have proposed to Passion if the Tensperance deputation, in lie of, bei ted to themselves the last long solace of reposing in city churchyard—their the Queen, were one and al] duly introduced to the Palace pump. long, sweet sleep soothed by the wheels ob cenntbee—wil haply be aah Sipeds with f verte =: Fee =e Desatinant “ie cea compelled to lie - i i : ese bi wi ns—for the Ethnologica! ment. Qaiste. oe Es Te GS Pe eS ae thoughts, we would nomad for the Orystal Palace a live teetotal Earl. In this dilemma, Punch has a proposal to make. What if the Bank A glass jar might be blown big enough to hold him; a jar to be covered | cellars were so enlarged as to a commodious lying for a select few With # copy of the Crystal Charter—as with parchment you cover a | the precious metal they contain, already consecrated. of the Church ; of dignitaries, like the Bistar or Loxpox for instance leech-bottle—that allows the sale of beer and wine. We are not so and Ancwpeacos Hae, who all their lives have been lovely in their imhaman as to wish to eork our Earl; though assuredly there were at gold, and in their deaths would not be ed from it ? Exeter Hall a few water-bottle men who, for the peace of society, There would be a fine moral in such a cemetery. Here bars of ustit to be laid down for good and all, and never drawn. gold; and here a dead Bishop! The Bank cellars are, of course, by — = — A Dreadful Attack. Acconpine to the last accounts, Nicnotas is iL Tt is a —— == A Figure Head Saint. “nervous disorder, we are told. Nothing more likely, and when NaPren ‘ 7 ‘ | begins his work if earnest, we should’nt be in the least b A CeLesRateD image of St. Nicttotas—a great miracle-maker—has if His Imperial Majesty was laid up with # very serious attack of been placed at the prow. of the Grayp Duke Constantine's ship. B,1-t1¢ Douloureut Head Wy © to, i ye ge oe of an enemy; catching ; —_—_—_——_ ve ball in his teeth, an y swallowing it; the mizacle to be duly vellsmed eatie t } GLIMMBRINGS OF MILITARY INTELLIGENCE. swallowed again by the people of Holy Russie. | ‘Lattons were always famous for “doing a bit of stiff.” It is a eurious coincidence that military stocks and clothing colonels should Great Repvction or Stock.—Since the abolition of the military | have been simultaneously abolished. i l | stock, we think we can congratulate upon possessing, at os events, one laughing-stock the less. - “Tus Oup, Orv Srony.”—The Repeal of the Income-Tax.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 258 ——————— wa —————— | place b KING CHARLES’S RESTORATION. inew hare Took. “The “The Old M Ma i t able of hi manager nad the Walking Gretlontas KinefCuartes Marnews (with his im belfen-cunce of cormize. head) has been restored to his | throne; and has issued thie subjoined proclamation from his royal in the Strand. A VISION OF THE CRYSTAL PALACE. True majesty moves and shines ne. Dwunean’s Dutch | crown was not more | lr eames frail than visions, there are falser words than bed alee mt If | aw Orn | a spice of the se that embaline the reg Bring, Solin wildly mingling stvangest with 10st common . mé@ Crartes, he woul ve & snapped his royal fingers in the Pat ny a ch Mater if eine he rn, be € propose ens rine 4 = precious proclamation in our arehing came a swarth ptoéession, mustering from the banks of = pages for all time. Roxae LYCEUM THE.) ‘Alb believers, marshalled by stern with eyes of guile. == THRWa, io ae ue | And with types and symbols were — = in announcing the = OPENING of this THEATRE, can. | Aid the banner = not resist the opportanity it affords 4 — of —— ng ade ae Fo ‘ e an easure ex Mas. wyeunee and himeelf Srom he From a ’ lost that hath yielded up her dead, —— pied loyalty aint ge X of And @ grim and stalking flercely i in the van, of) Sceslhar with the ceuahen ou con "Twas a winged dreadful that it wore the face of man. = onl —_ —— —_ —— faith in th t ivoeal as it is ng, having firmly he om » the -r £ —_ eS ee _ ites of tame Next a graceful throng went by me, from 4 classic region fair diate engagements elsewhere, and have 5 ial waited the chance of his being able Chiselled features, flowing garments, laurel wreaths in guiden hair ; to resume his position. Mn. Matuxws, while thus thanking them for their confidence | A nd 9 God and Goddess led them, glorious types of War and Peace, | and goodwill, ventures to hope that this steady adherence of those who have for years | | been associated with hit, and who, while most intimately inted with his con-| Neprung and Miwerva ever watehing o’er their well loved Greece. | duct and habits, have stood by him through sorrow and Any will prove the best | guarantee that the many reports which have found credence from time to time with | From ti liilled 1 , 1, then the } hty 8 Jomen | the public have not been founded in truth, and that the unserupulous disregard of | every principle of honour and probity so frequently and so falsely attributed to him | came, ul holl diality and friendship of all Gear ehotens rhs Py eee fasces, gory axe-head, and the she-wolf’s glance of flame, And four ever famous Letters borne on high in that array, “ Unexampled lopalty ' 1” Let us begin with loyalty. Well, it is a) 7ojd world that Rome was present—proudly bade the world obey. gratifying, an ennobling truth that warms the heart like wine, to know | that of Ww esses that beset poor fallible |, : . on soa ae poops emery Ferg ae po whee, loyalty—is W hose luxurious pomp succer«is them, who in smiling throng advance, an entire aud perfeet chrysolite. As well, with mere human te eth, try Glistening in that flowery raiment, tripping as to feast and dance ? to bite a fracture in the Koh-i-Noor, as hope to flaw the loyalty of your So they glistened, so they revelled, so was struck the sparkling lyre, true actor. Bray him in a mortar, and he would not crack. Assail On the day Pompeii perished, shrieking in yon mountain’s fire. him with money-bags, and he will never split. No: bis hand has| ; signed his faith to his monarch manager, and you might lay that hand | Some come mourning, come as those whose brightest day hath shone | upon a gridiron and grill it like unto a mutton chop, but that hand | and fled | remains ‘faithful to its first ink. There ms ay be no treasury, but the | | | Are they frou Bysantium’s rampart, where a hero-king lies dead— heart is full; so perish lucre and long live loyalty ! ; | How beautiful, too, to contemplate the loyal actor proudly smiling | ¥'0m the noblest fane that glows beneath an oriental sky— | (with a little bit of contempt puckering the corners of the plastic lips) Raised to Christian Wisdom—bearing now the symbol of a Lie. | —smiling we say at the vain and worthless temptations of another | ‘ | monarch, desirous at any increase of fortune, to corrupt and carry | Came the Church in purple glory and a wealth of gems and gold, away, it may be, the loyal Light Oomedian—the loyal Heavy Old Man | Steel clad knights in soldier-splendour, banners of emblazoned fold, the, aor —> eet ieee ~- the loyal ¢ joneral _ —- Armourer, herald, jester, hawker, planet-reader, squire and page, | in vain e loy r —, contemptuously—at the bribe : " | of double salary, regularly paid, and—his stomath may be empty—but, Chivalry’s thrice gorgeous chapter from her proudest Middle Age. | as we say, his heart is full — defying the tempter, he proudly strikes Art’s procession followed, calmly, lofty as their port shc uld be, | thet Doses and like o Seng-owa shilling, © Mkgs with precious | wi, fsa dadtied down foulal shackles, ani peudhilined ihat Att to free. Sweet then is adversity to @ manager, for it teaches him the virtues Gazing on their deeds of beauty, who but scorns the bigot prate, of those who in their loyalty love and honour him! What human That assails their noble mission with a Goth’s fantastic hate? parcels of unknown spices may-be in a ached aah ot the adversity of ; . the a hy shall have them, and so What a glorious train came after, every lofty face a Fame, brome veg their fragrance ! | Nagouon eve ag | oo all All whose Thought our age inherits, or our age itself shall claim. e Mowtuo.oy, APOLEON never known elena. ; made li ‘ ‘ honou How Net : oa oe o> | oe at the loyalty 4 a DaGGeR- ees —— ae ght, are baring still os me woop, if Sraurr fhe street of ae What an example dove th the yp el present to the — brick-and- | Lhose to whom the world is debtor—shall be debtor while it rolls. conan, aot ace Gotangine i ghdine apa uy —— But what thunder wave of music comes in grandeur surging out ? | actors in comparison with the fleeting fidelity of ch politicians, Never yet ascended Homage in a nobler, mightier shout, en hy b Pristine, \ — - for a mome nt Faney’s visions instant scatter—sense itself is growing dim, confront the loy: in eye of a FRANK ATTHEWs?’ One As all space seems tidi i i whelming hymn. moment, perhaps; and the next, the Frenchman would be 4 small heap ae ee eS Cee | of very white ashes. There are things more frail than visions, there are falser words than a me re is oa reason ae Ee ge this everlasting loyalty dreams in the breasts o yers towa their manager. A scoffing, careless : . ; ‘ : world may not w the sort ‘of affecting tenures by which certain Bring, unchallenged, wildly mingling strangest with most common actors hold their places and en their loyalty. For instance, the Dox or Wantixotow holds § trathfieldsaye = tenure of giving in | And I know not, as each Master Inid his gift before the Throne. a yearly flag at Windsor. In like manner, the low Comedian holds his lif I thought the thought of myriads, or my fancy strayed alone. — —

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eee 254 "PUNCH, OR THE LONDON" ‘CHARIVARL = WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH. Old Sage log. “TI SHOULD GOTVE IT A GLAZE OF PURE PvE, AND THEN FETCH IT UP WitH INDIAN RED AND LAMP-BLACK FOR THE Hien Licnts. See waa? 1 wean *—Prrpoose Toner.” | HOW TO MAKE TWO HUNDRED POUNDS. Tus law report in the papers of Tuesday shows an easy way of making two hundred pounds whieh, it seems, may be achieved by any sco —- | who threatens anybody else with a prosecution for felony Such at least would be the inference from a dictum of one of our ; ablest judges, Mn. Banow Parxe, who, if he has been truly reported, | observed from the bench, that “he considered there were a great many persons who would have given a far larger amount {than £200) rather than have had a prosecution against them.” In another place the learned judge is reported to have said, “ his own opinion was that there were few persons who would not have given @ . larger sum rather than run the risk of having their character ruined.” [f this estimate of the moral courage of society is a correct one, if it be true that many men are such ahject cowards that they would rather pay a larger sum than £200, than run the risk of having their character ruined, it is quite clear that there are men who, if they happen to have £200 and a » are worthy the attention of the numerous. scoundrels, professional and mock professional, as well as lay, who infest society. ‘For our own parts we, with h great respect, beg to dissent in ¢ofo from the judicial cera, as impu by the reports to Mn. Baron Parke, and ecaigton rage all the uncertainty of the results of law pro-| ceedings, al and ch we hope there are very few men, indeed Ay a pay two hundred tarthin or indeed respond in any way, except through the police, should thes be threatened in the | manner which the learned Wuice seems to think would have such a _—t effect on their nerves as to act powerfully on their pockets. Mr. Baron Parke has been mis-reported—which we trust he mi “ have en * owes it to society to set himself right, for to a timid man, menaced by some of the pests with which the world| abounds, it will be but cote to remember that a Judge on the bench is said to have “ There are few persons who would not have given a larger sum coe £200) rather than ren the risk of having their character ruined.” A SEVERE VISITATION. Most people are aware that a bishop’s triennial progress throughout his diocese is called the bishop’s Moye jo but few 4-7 how well it deserves that name, The readers of the Daily News, however, are awake to the fact that it is indeed a i. visitation, as it costs the unfortunate clergy, on whom it is inflicted, a fee. From the same journal it may be that = Menger hes i> do Gonsh the visitation may not be held. contemporary, proves es by t potation “2 circular atl adreoed tothe a Seem of t s, demanding the usual them bishop, an at the same time signifying their attendance at the “ensuing visitation ””—which was not to ensue—would be dispensed with. ‘Thus visitation has been preserved ; namely, t ingvenes in this argument, for it practical joke, and a very Nhe plecaidine cpaes of We yoor parsons. THE VICTORY OF ODESSA. A MUSCOVITE ROMANCE, Brave Srcuseororr fired shell and rocket off, Assisted by threé valiant beys from school, Young Demris?Re, Skorepccarorr, ‘And the indomitable Master Punt. Earth gaped—sky stared—it was a thing to wonder at, How on our foes his guns kept up a roar ; They with four hundred cannons him did thunder at, And he replied to them with only four ! But his reply confounded their audacity With damage more than equal to its noise ; Though that shook mountains—trust me for veracity— Yet louder still the people cheered the boys. Imagine myriads that immense name holloaing Of Skorosocator?, with all their might! What followed was, of course, cock-sure of following, With shattered hulks the Anglo-French took flight. Bap Eees.—All the Kaussian shells, on bursting, are intended to distribute a yoke.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

SONGS BY “OUR COLONELS.” THE LAMENT OF COLONEL MARTINET, K.C.B. (Late Clothing Colonel of the gallant Onety-Oneth.)

An me! the tailor’s goose is flown That laid the Colonel’s golde n eggs ! The little perquisites are go That kept poor Colonels « = > thao legs ! No more shall gallant veterans wield The scissars nimbly as the sword : And charge not bo: boldlier foes on field, Than friends upon the clothing- board. ae vile Punch and viler Times, ERBERT my hard-won hopes has baffled ! oan have bled for smaller crimes, (See Lonp Jouy Rvssein) on the scaffold ! What good ’s to come of this great boon ? re one may » BCT ty But one-that ne’er will They ’ve Lye o the our foemen. 's bearskin shako ; 6 well the war ‘gan, Jacko oy an <2eea- nate givenstheieohiinr to wear (is octadie — in his locks) ished Srocxs! ew 9 nd Ondine smaxtiy? ot chealder hi Or-guns, without stocks, floor foo? The neck it it | pipe the supe: 3 the c ~V = 's omg aahdes a rise 'o see the private’s collar down ! To guards and Jing from sun, WFR pow oe you swWathe the head— Soldier fear sun! Son of a gun! Put the man bodily to bed! Give him a night-shirt—do—at once— pense of uniforms ’twill save Let ite ber beard grow like Mr. Mu NTZ, And only colon anes closely shave. Don’t flog him when he misbehaves; ae him if on post found napping ; Unpi flee Safa

THE EX-CLOTHING COLONEL TO HIS SWORD. My Sword! how bright and lovely thine unsullied blade Now that I wave thee only, ond have quased te wield the © est Ay, now, faith, I can emnaich thee with pride, wy battle blade. Since, all resigned to Glory, 1 bet eg ba How bounds m ant charger, and neighs to the fight Seeing thee remy a how Fame meme ht! If L a Goose were ation. ma thus my steed would neigh, Although I were a Tailor proud as ever pranced away. Into the ailing Danube my Thimble will T one a fling my Needle after it, no more to hth a stite’ My only List, the Army List, from this time forth een be Nor will I cut out sorting except, my Sword, with thee !

A Washy Composer. usical critic in the Times compares the mnsic of i ADOLPHE “the rinsings of M. Arana bottles,” ae lustration is ur taste, various! plied. F Ss serbe et tat th we ee ae imitation J ENNY tame the sediment of the Swedish ‘illustration, we ‘al Jutiuen to the ide gpm! the Great Maestro | eaeee THE BATTLE THAT 18. FOUGHT ON THE BEART. Tax poor fellow, whose wife has, for the last ten years, been con- tinually giving en a bit of her mind,” has just declared wad

anxious to kere “* Pence-st-any-prict-”

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eee ae 256 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. LORD PALMERSTON ON PENMANSHIP. r —_ = 6 , L, ERS 0 ; map Pate on? all things, whieh none are admitted but the greatest delinquents, has just put forth certain | 02 Whose countenances there is set—in wax—the seal of | canons of penmanship, | miquity. We doubt, however, whether Mapame Tussavn’s | | Chamber of Horrors can show anything much more horrible | than may be found in the Judges’ Chambers near Chancery | “ The great bulk of the middle | ane, when frequented by some of those sham attorneys and | ‘ KLE fine 1 >2 Fae to fine issue He complains that— | CHAMBER PRACTICE, “tonched| .Mapame Tussavup has “a Chamber of Horrors,” into ‘ and lower orders write hands copper-plate igealaties notes, however, lessons on st Punch has been favoured—(he will not say by whom)—with specimens from the} the J accomplished | leries the jw hand of the Ean or Aperpeen, before and after tuition, by the Home Secretasy. We select two :— My Style before I took a Lesson, “T think the Czar or ait Tue Russias is a perfect gentleman. Nicnonas as the great legitimate beadle of Europe; a man who combines the | biggest cocked hat with the noblest sense of order. ‘A man of truth; perfect gentleman is Nicuo.as. * ABERDEEN,” My Style after one Lesson. “T believe the Czar to be a compound of hypocrite and bully too emall and wmdistinc not form their letters; or they | Practice too often fixes the seal of j sometimes form them by alter-| Not long ago a suspected crim: His Lordship _finally| amee of one or two suggests that pupils should be taught rather to imitate | ord broad printing than In fact, rather to write i: @ swaggering ¢ end do | their pretende d clerks, to whose doings the laxity of Chamber ps who had been safesed nate broad and fine strokes, thro r which make the words difficult | hail at eg Police Court, commend ice ugh } yay the mode of doing business at .. | where a little perjury, — oe Leet are. we to know,” , when a scamp The Force of Contrast. indee d, a) | creatures who go in for “ peace at any price,” are afflicted with dreadfully wuruly wives. We suspect that it is their mass of raw despotism. As was said of Syuts, he is 4 mass of mud and blood. | haying so much War at home that makes them anxious Very pear | is it for the future repose of the world that we make sharp and | to see Peace at all events abroad. short work with the world’s peacebreaker. was not called in many months ago ! “ ABERDEEN.” And this, it will be seen, after only one lesson, What a pity Parmenston | An Unxnown Bewzractorn.—The man who plants a birch tree little knows what he is conferring on posterity. MR. PUNCH AT THE FRENCH PLAY. (Written for last week's insertion, at midnight.) I am fresh from that consummate piece of truth in action, a Joie fait Peur. Oh that our English actors could find such pieces ! Oh ‘that such pieces, if we had them, could find such actors! I have sat to-night and wept, amongst a weeping house, and it was all for the affeetion of a mother for her son, of a son for his mother, of a sister for her brother, of an old servant "for the family he had grown grey in. The love passage of the story—as we narrow the word—is nothing. Nobody cares a fig for Mathilde and Octave, Better aeting of both parts might do something even for them perhaps ; but, as it is, and under any circumstances, the real moving interest of the aet is con- centrated entirely upon the domestic Wfections in which there is| intensity, but not what we call passion. } _ It seems, on our stage, mil we knew of no love but that of lovers. We ride that one W | vocation. ‘The meh tenderness that lies under our bearth- stones is all but mnwor See how mueh it yields in this one short | act of deep pathos, varying emotion, breathless interest. And with all the call upon our cambric there is not a mawkish word or a single | clap-trap from beginning to end. Perhaps none but a woman could | have written the piece. That mother's hand, which comes in at the door to receive the breviary from the son so long mourned as | dead, whe, not daring to reveal himself, presses on the book the | kiss he yearns to | been conceived by a wom@h. And what man could have that sweet littl, B im her sudden burst from ccustied enren - natural joy, 30 ifully impersonated by MapeMOISELLE UTHER I write warmly, beeause I feel warmly. In such pieces the st put to its best use, asa and stirrer of the affections, wit out any aid from criminal intrigues, exceptional passions, startling alter- nations, or terrible incidents, . But how infinitely more powerful than all these is that uby on the heart strings from first to last! And then the seting hom ought I to praise first, or loudest? Reexrer, with his bald bowed shoulders, and straggling old legs, loving, conceited, ¥, How true j in every movement terrible he was im t rpoanign to death on the slightest OM secret to fasten on the wasted fingers, could only have | | of innocence, archness, wil and intonation! How perfect in the filling up of his by-play, te bit of it belonging to the man and the scene, occupying him through- yut, yet apparently unconseious, and only felt im ih result of perfect and unfore ed truth. Here was no diawing up for points, no driving of sentiments down the audience’s throats with the sledge- accentuation, no exit speeches—all was graduated, mellow as an old picture, or as nature herself. The old man moved before us modest. gentlemanlike, yet every inch a servant; something could not help at’ once loving and respecting, whether rig’ at him or cried with him. How burst of emotien, — o the lost one comes back, and he lunges forward, with ithe boast -possession stayed on his lips, into Adrien’s arms, a helpless. eid ag bag c clothes! How hetic in that anile storm of , wrung from him by DEMOISELLE Pa sip ack pretty tender aa ww humourous conceit of his own force w irresistible in his ong outbursts of joy, while s safety is yet his sole Nor should Mapame Ain stand @ lower than Reeyrer, for her ect rendering of a still more h two-thirds of which she has but to exhibit various shades of hopeless grief, and for the rest, the struggle with a more terrible than des 2% U shall I say of dear, innocent, is little Lovagr ? he terrible stories of the French + but I will stake my life d girl. Why have we not ing in the — ee a ing MapremMoIseLLe LurHer u lo po the: 8 eombination : a Nee yew to our 7 ‘oire 7 > Seeman Panes us almost always marred by coarseness? Why are our boydens always Miss Pruus, more or less? Why is the combination pret tal in this piece a thing to drive English stage-writers wild with denpairing 9 their French brethren? Must this always be so? Are wi ox estined to see our few real artists, our Cgagtes Matuew WessTeRs, our Keg.eys, seattered few and far between like comets, instead of clustering—as AtLaN, Regwrer, Lotage, cluster im this little act—into a constella: ion? Shall Shall we nev ve an ensemb on a British stage? It behoves our authors our actors to a themselves for a reply. —, =e to ocala sham “ator hers,” who has of course == rg + apm way pon tri engraving. ome ney yf hed of the owen of ity than bank ds ag enn egate, yee ° = o' ies are we | can scarcely ame at cua reached its Lorp PALMERSTOM, | present height, when the attorney may be assumed zives private | without a challenge, in Cases even costs may yle: and Mr! he awarded to the Le ns asked ” by ‘is found to put. honest persons (to trouble and the negligence practised | I beli at the Judges’ are we to know indeed ? relieve in | _ if we don’t és tie least trouble to inquire. We have a shrewd sus spicion that the poor meek-minded hope that is almost | our Wicays, our |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 257 upon; and I should like to know of what hi IMPORTANT FROM THE SEAT OF war! |ling Seribe and camp follower, of what ancient or modern writer—in LETTERS FROM THE EAST BY OUR OWN BASHI-BOZOUK. “ Camp before Redout Kale, 23th May. “ (3th Shiboob, Turkish calendar.y | “ i Da. Wiseman | OUGH your . : iodical is jocular i c gle with a crowd SS ates and title, and’ .In the streets), and occasionally trifling in its against the details, { am told that a ARCHIBALD ALISON'S — good deal of truth Jurks | you can read that—but it is in its satire; indeed that | _ that I should pnt so monstrous a much more of the com- | Proposition. modity is to be found in| ,“ 1 speak about these from memory our columns than in the of course (mine is the and most accurate Ceeditien of your gigantic in the world), but colonel of Bashi-Bozouks contemporaries, who pro- Sitting, as I am, with fess to supply only authen- bout me, ing-n ; tic information, which my kabobjee is roasting a I am not myself a, Mountains of Anapa re me, the hoarse man of the least humour: Of the Black Sea discernible to my ear, the sun I do not make jokes nor gilding the battered old minarets of Redout- value them, nor under- Kaleh, from which we have just driven out the | stand them for the most | Russians, and where I have hanged a raseally | part: so yours may be | Greek spy (after addressing him a most beautiful very good, though for | speech in his native language, with which and my part cannot compre-| twenty-three other European dialects I am a. hend what sets your read- | fectly familiar) ; and where, in the affair of the ers a-laughing. ‘The same |™orning, it was painful duty to send a ball is the case with tunes, | from my revolver through the eye of my poor The other day at the re-|0ld friend, Mason IMKOWSKI, at the head of view at Scutari I mistook | his regiment—a man with whom I have drunk Abdul Medjeed’s March |™any a bottle in happier times ;—I say, were a for Rule Britannia : some |™4n in my present position to pre that he of my brother poets [/ carried books about with him, and like Faxpgnic | am told (I am considered |0t Narotzon had a a library, he would one of the first in the world) labour under a similar obtuseness of ear. be humbugging the public. No, honest Seuim “But this is parenthetic; let us return to the subject in hand. I select you as = Aca, cooking the lamb yonder under my nose of my communications from the seat of War; lst, se the Press though often misled (By the laws, it smells very savoury, and a man is free in your country. And I desire the liberty of saying xveryTuinG, which I could not | Who has not eaten for forty-nine hours, ridden do in the Journal des Débats or the Allgemeine Zertung: 2nd, because | know you exercise | tWo hundred and ten parasangs, had two horses a great influence in Europe ; and have seen personally the three Emperors, my friend the anda mule shot under him, routed three regi- Krxe vig and His Hoxivess rae Pore, and | Canpoxas AwDOOMLL treatie as your ae of Be eee Tasiaee of the coomy, taking satire: because, strange to say, you appear to ve engaged no correspo > an ' n 4th, because I am the best cnivenpeutions in the world. a lamented old friend through the eye, and _ “I took, but half an hour since, from the shako of a poor Russian friend, whom I have | hung a Greek spy, has a t to feel a little just killed in action, two or three copies of the Times newspaper, in which the editors hungry)—Seiim, the cook, I say, might as well seemed greatly to vaunt the skill of their correspondent in this quarter. Before I ever |¢xpect to turn out a regular dinner of three thought of putting pen to paper myself, I met this young man at Malta, and Gallipoli fish, afterwards ; eo im every information in my power, and supplied him with many of the facts, which { need not say he ludicrously distorted and exaggerated in his journal. He was | 4" put out of an English ship of gd says, at his own desire) on board of a Greek schooner, | the Hagid Alethea, off Gallipoli, peal have been murdered by the crew and the irate, and a very old friend of mine), for the sake of his portmanteaus, which appe to € pretty well plenished, had I not happened to be drinking in the cabin with my the piratical skipper. At my entreaties, nay threats (for I had to produce my revolvers), the young man was saved: and I landed Lim at Gallipoli stairs, with his bag and baggage “Though we have ed, I cannot but without receiving from him even the present of a single cigar. Nor, as I see by his always remember that the Erexor or Russia tters, has he made the least subsequent mention of his preserver.: it will be well for him | was my most particular friend. When | for the future not to come into the neighbourhood of the 14th Bashi-Bozouks, or their Colonel,|used to drive over to take tea with the family at 1 shall not give Aim any information any more. What I have I shall send to you, and tisoagh Cazwrkoe Seloe (for at Petersburg we stood you to the world; and thus my indignation at the ingratitude of a newspaper writer, is possibly | course the cause of enli and instructing all Europe. , : has been wofully misled. Any one, for instance, who will take the ber of dead Russians who are slaughtered in every newspaper from the seat of war in the Fast, will find that they drop off at the rate of : a day, and that a quarter of a million of them by this time must have . _My good friend, Mr. Punch, these murderous histories are all bosh ! ewspaper correspondents, I fully agree with my noble friends Lory SmoTHeREM and RD BoTHEREM, in the House of Peers, are not to be relied upon, and ought to be put down. | here As for the Turks, are notorious long-bow pullers. My poor friends the Russians, with and against whom I have served a good deal in the Caucasus, are greater liars than the unbelievers. =. the nation — is Trurn. —_ pure, ruth — Truth gushing from original as perhaps no ot. man in Europe but m isina condition to supply. wer “TI choose to myself Verax, though that of course is not my family name, which i lest i three kingdoms; but have such a regard for trath in al i that this little deviation from it I think fit to warn the reader. I never told a lie in my of a few to ladies, whom, I presume, no gentleman thinks of treat madulterated article). I have lost ctain>-=aalitenmes png or elncny Se and frightful tortures for truth’s sake. Every word of my letters may be relied cc

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ateeetiiy & Sait 258 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL the aisles of an old # ary whe hneue i men and the world as well as! many a man who wears a star upon his breast, aud writes Privy Councillor before his name. 1 neger could get the Empgnor or Russia to believe in the possibility of = alliance between us and the French. “ Look at these newspa ” he used to say to me, rapping with his knuckles on the table, a daily London journal of great circulation, the 7——, and a weekly comic periodical called P——,* under the satire of which he writhes :—* The head of the French nation pever can pardon these attacks upon him. He must declare war against England. England must enter imto an alliance with me and as the price of that alliance, I intend to have Turkey in Europe, and my second capital at Constantinople. " Voila tout, mon cher, voila tout.” ‘Parbleu! C'est tout simple? said a great dignitary whom I need not name for fear of getting him into trouble, shrugging his shoulders, and pulling out his eterral snuff-hox. took a pinch myself, -_ tried to show them what the real state of our press en countr I told the Ewpzror Nicuotas that I had long and intienntele toe known his Majesty the Emperor or THE Fre~on, as indeed L had in Switzerland, where I put his first musket into his hands; in the United States have | saved his life; at Ham, vhere [ saw him and the poor dear Ducuesse pe Berri before him, and in King Street, St. James’s, and about town, where [ promise you we have had some rare doings together. I told the Emperor o1 ussia that his Majesty the Empexor or Tae Frencu knew England well, and narrated to him in contidence, but i# extenso, a conversation which | had bad with Pryce Louis NapotBon, when we were special constables together in Eaton Place, on the 10th of April, 48. As for our papers abusing him, I told the Russian Autocrat that. was nothing that was our way ; that every man of mark was abused ; that I myself had been satirised both in P—— and in the 7—-. “ What I said seemed to strike the Emperora good deal. Would that my advice had had more effect on him, but— ‘[ am interrupted by Omar Pacna’s Tatar, who has his foot in the stirrup ready to take my despatches, and also by SeLtm’s announce- ment that the roast lamb is cooked. I shall continue my narrative, which I need not say is of thrilling interest,) and forward it presently along with a pair of ear-rings for Mrs. Puach, which my poor friend TiMkOwsKI wore, by one of my own men. f “ So no more at present from your “ Basui-Bozovuk.” SCENE FROM “THE RUSSIAN GENTLEMAN,” Anu Cnfinished Drama. Scenzg.—St. Petersburg. A Corridor in the Palace. ty ‘nter Ancusisuop and GENTLEMAN OF THE CuAMBER, meeling. Arckb. Good morrow, Sir. For what new victory Ts it our Lord the Ewperor’s gracious will That Holy Church should praises sing to-day ? Gent. Most Reverend Archi-arehi-archi-vey, That rests between great Nicwoxas and Heaven. The fiat hath not yet gone forth. Archb. _ . Indeed. Is He (makes a bow) yet sturrmg? Gent. Stirring He (dows also) may be. le — say His Majesty is up. -chb. Thou speakest riddles. rh at. Pardon me, your Grace Our mighty Emrgror still doth keep his bed, But on his pillow ’s pleased to turn and toss, And in his slumber talk from time to time. Archb. After what manner ? Gent, Strange and awful words Drop from his holy mouth. Archb, You should collect That manna; words of sacred mystery Are those which Emperors mutter in their dreams, Dost thou remember any of them ? Gent. Some. He said just now, “ What ?—Bring me to the bar! Me, Nicuotas, to judgment! Ha, ha, ha!” But laugh I dare not like his Majesty. * His Majesty, between ourselves, is not so thin in the legs and so large in the waist, a» the designers represent him. He is stouver, certainly, than when he came over incog. to England in the year 1937, and I gave Covowe: Rorra dinner at the Megatherium Club; buat he is still a fine man, Wit. ! What of that? are there not other fine men? A blushing echo replies in the affirmative. Veaax is a fine maa, and I think some of the other sex will not gainsay me. Then he went on to cry, “ What’s that to you ? I will not plead, I say! What? Guilty! What? Guilty of Murder! Come, now, that’s too good. Murder! of whom? Millions of fellow-men ? My fellow-men! I like that better still! Pshaw! cease this dismal folly ! Archb. Wondrous trance ! Wherein the fiends, all saints who persecute, Do lay vain siege unto our monare 1’3 soul Gent. Anon he cried again, “ Come let me go! Make way. I tell ye, villains! Ha! Hands off! Nay, now I’m sure you don’t—you can’t mean that ! Where am I? This is nonsense ! ” Archh. Verily, The caitiffs who, albeit in a dream Did impious vivlence to the sacred person Of Nicuotas, deserve to die the death! Gent. After a pause again the Emperor spoke In smothered accents. “ Doomed?” he said, “ Doom me ’ Me to the scaffold! to a felon’s end! What end? Aha! I see that puzzles you! The Wheel! nay, all the limbs I have are four, And many myriads have I crushed and broke. ad And then the Empexor grinned. Archb. Smiled, nn say. Gent. But what a smile! Then he resumed, “ The Knout ! Yes—that’s more like. They say the Knout will do. A blew for every victim that hath been Through my ambition slain! No, no, no, no! That will not serve them either—every stripe . After the first few hundred would descend Upon my senseless corpse—They can’t contrive Fit punishment for me; and so, they say, I must be left to Heaven. Victory! Te Deum !—ah! that’s Latin—from the Psalms— And this is Latin too, although not holy ”— (As thus he spoke, the im, erial visage fell) * Justo judicio Dei” —for the rest Hark in your Grace’s ear. Archb. Oh horrible ! What ’s that? Methought it was the Emprnor’s voice ! Gent. It is! for look, my lord—he comes this way— Burst from his chamber—in his night-gown—foam On his blue lips—his bristling hair on end— His eyes wide glaring : doctor at his heels, And terrified attendants after him ! Archb, Let us avoid, [They stand back. | Whispers, Enter the Emprnor Nicuoxras, frantic. Emp. Give me my razors !—bring them back, I say ! Where is the slave that sent them to be ground ? My razors, villains! razors, razors— ho! One half of all the Russias for my razors! { Brit. ACT-DROP FALLS, Worthy a place in the Cabinets of the Curious. Pzortz complain of Sin Gzones Gaey’s ,, Sam. to the Secretaryship of the Colonies, pointing to Sin W asking what claim Sir Gnouse bas to the place. They for t Sm GeorGe Grey is a Whig. Sp°cimens of this interesting palgonto- logical genus are so rare now-a-days that we cannot wonder at Lorp Jouy’s anxiety to have one in his eabinet, Tae Soxpren’s Teazer.—The British soldier does rot mind any intrenchment, but | what beats » him alto; gether i is the Sock e. [4 ery without, | OLESWoORTH, and |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ST. BARNABAS FUND DINNER. Mr. Poncu has rather an objection, like that of Mrs. Anams, to quoting Scripture. Nevertheless Wr. Punch will take the liberty of citing the following words : “Blessed are they which are persecuted for religion's sake : for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” They form, according to the Morning Post, an inscription, placed | above a portrait which was suspended the other day in the school-room | attached to the Church and College of St. Barnabas, Pimlico. That! work of art represented the Rev. Ma. Benner, the late vicar; and it | was exhibited at the anniversary festival of the dedication of the | church. Other embellishments harmonizing in an esthetical point of view with Mr. Bennevr’s likeness, appear to have adorned what may’ not improperly be termed the scene. Our fashionable contemporary says that— “ The rooms were tastefully decorated with representations of the cross, wreaths of | laure!, and other evergreens, vases of flowers, banners, and colourod scrolls, containing | texts from Scripture and appropriate inscriptions.” | Bare walls would have been suitable to a plain text, and if the latter! was cooked it was right that the former should be dressed. Certainly the portrait was in good keeping with its accessories, and so were they with it, and with each other. Hung about, too, with so much laurel and other evergreens, the place must have been quite a green-room : and this was as it should be, if you consider the nature of the esta- blishment. There is said to exist an apocryphal epistle of St. Bannanas; per- haps the beatitude of those who are persecuted “ for religion’s sake,””:| is declared in that. But if so, the St. Banwapas who composed the Epistle was probably Sr. Baxwasas, Pimlico. The Post goes on to state, that the health of the How. ann Rev. | Mr. Lippett, having being proposed by Coronet FuLke Grevitie, M.P., Mr. Lippgxt made a speech to return thanks: in which he said, | “ We are charged with doing a most dreadful thing. What do you think—we are all charged with Popery! (Laughter). Why, if there is one thing more than another which can stem the encroachments of Popery, it is the establistment of such churches | as this—of St. Barnabas— where the spirit of the Church of England is brought out.” | Brought out ?—yes, so completely out as to leave none in: is that | the Reverend Gentleman’s meaning ?—No doubt, if one thing more than another can stem the consumption of Cognac, it is the manufac- ture of British brandy so much lke it that the commen palate can hardly distinguish between the two. A taste for brandy is fostered, however, and people ultimately come to want the forcign article. Experience appears to have shown that the case of brandy is pretty much the same with that of Mr. L:ppe..’s “ spirit” of the Church of England. The Bulwark gives a wood-cut, representing the interior of | “St. Paul’s, Knightsbridge, from a sketch taken May 1, 1854.” In this engraving a Clergyman is represented as making a bow and a genuflexion to the altar, which has a couple of lighted candlesticks upon it, and a cross between them peeping over the rim of a plate. Two other Clergymen are kneeling at the altar-side;: each of these has another standing behind him; in the front, R., so to speak, there are two more ecclesiastics, with paten and chalice: whilst a man in a black gown with a long pole stands L. Now St. Paul’s is under the same management as St. Barnabas’s, and one is as much like the other as Drury Lane: is like Covent Garden. Whilst, however, the tapers of the Barnabites are alluded to, their | candle, in another sense, should not be kept out of sight. Mr. Punch } has great pleasure in farther transcribing the statement that, at this festival of theirs, “ Tables were spread for upwards of 200 of the poorer members of the Congregation.” This indicates a means of proselytism and a method of contro- versy that might be adopted by all denominations, one against the other, to the great edification of the world at large, and the con- siderable diminution of the rs rates. It is suggested, therefore, that moderate Clurchmen, Evangelicals, and Dissenters of every class, should sét to at spreading tables for the conversion of the poorer members of society, and tliat the regular Papists should contend with the Puséyites in the same manner ; all of them thus endeavouring to turn the tables upon each other. Larcenists and Felonists. Is the debate on the prison estimates, Lorp Patmenston is reported to have stated that “Upon the admission of convicts, they declare the religion to which they belong.” About the religion of a convict we should think there must generally be some doubt, although it would be impossible to question his conviction. AnoTaER PostPoNEMENT.—People are wondering at the absence of | = — aga but the fact is, it has been postponed in consequence of | the War. , TOASTS AND SENTIMENTS FOR RUSSIA-TAXED BEER. . uncw thinks that as Beer has risen in renee commenanes of the war with ussia, it may be as well to provide a few ‘Toasts and Sentiments, by means of which the popular indignation may have an opportunity of venting itself. Accordingly, we beg to present every patriotic beer-drinker with his choice of the following Toasts to flavour his beer with : Here ’s to the emptiest of all sacks, the Cossack—and as no empty sack can stand, may we soon witness the fall of the Cossack. Tue Russian Factz !—May we shortly see it “All alive oh!” at the Zoological Gardens ! Here’s to the Sublime Porte; and also to its English and French butlers that prevented Nicnouas making a Maeyum Bonvm of it. Russian T'attow—The first candle that was held to the Devil must have been made out of it. Tus Worst Imrentan Measune.— The halfpenny extra on every pot. However, may it be the means of very quickly sending old Nicno.as there ! Here’s to the Russian nobility, and may the crazy old vessel soon be dashed to pieces on its own Serf ! Tue Best Dravent to coor THe Emrrron’s Wanriiky —A Narrenient Draught. Here ’s to that fine old game-cock Turkey, and may it never be in want of a Drumstick as long as England and France have it in their power to give it one ! Here’s to Russia, the builying giant, with a body of brass and feet of clay. May the former be knocked up into English and French door-knockers, and the latter be made into bricks to build the Emperor a tomb that he may be handsomely buried in, and we will not mind throwing in the Bier. DAS i SE Fever. PENANCE IN BELGRAVIA. Mr. Westerton has been returned Churchwarden for St. Paul’s, Knightsbridge, to the confusion and agony of several distinguished countesses and other ladies of the fashionable church; all of whom intend to mark their sorrow by some sort of penance and mourning. The Countess or SMALLBEERSBURY has taken a vow to go without eggs until next Paschal; and on Saturday last all the spaniels of Beigravia appeared in leading strings of black riband. THE CHURCHWARDEN AND THE CONSEQUENCES. Knightsbridgg, Thursday Morning. Churchwarden Westerton, in the best health and spirits, returned by a majority over the Puseyite of—323. Fulham, Thursday Afternoon. Men are employed laying down straw and saw-dust before the doors of Fulham Palace. i | } Five o’Clock.—The Butler has just muffled the principal knocker | with the Bishop’s apron. Half-past Siz —The Bishop himself, under the circumstances, is | even better than could be expected. Seven 0’ Clock.—Doctorn Wiseman has just left his card. The Two Extremes of Fashion. Formenty, when ladies went out, they used to have their bonnets | on; but that is no Icnger the case, for their bonnets are now not on, | but half off. The reason generally assigned by our female acquaintance why bonnets are thus worn, is, because they are. ‘There is, however, a somewhat more logical one to be given than this; numely the length of the dress. Condemned by the tyranny of Fashron to screen their feet and ancles from admiration, the ladies indemmify themselves by showing as much as possible of the head.

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NA, tis nan tie iii we ee * ee ut er «van cellency : Considering the necessity for the Miaisters:- of the Crown in active service, | Couneil of Ministers, deigned to order that the Ministers of the Crown in active service | tassel in gold. order of the Queen, I communieare this to your Exeellency for your PUNCH, OR THE ‘LONDON CHARIVARL | } NOT EASILY SEEN THROUGH. Somenopy is arog glasses of such power, that th 1 at a 4 “4 | } | would render objects vis distance of two _. | Considering that there are some objects which it is an as see object with many of us to avoid, we cannot |an unmixed good an instrument which enables us to at a distance of two miles that which we would gladly overlook if it were near to us. As a medimn for —~ 4 ting, an unpleasant acquaintance, or a debtor of a itor’s en 8 a glass which can an individual | > hen tance of Gr aie anliele Ole o cept Our own experience of a glass of this kind is not very | satisfactory, for co in one the other day, ~ _ to the conclusio: ugh we om possibly with it an * voy bee off, to see poe a its | aid an object at two hurdred yards’ distance was quite | imporsible, All-lies of the Czar. I stawp alone, I’ve not a friend, 10m Allies ond at depend ve no m On Lies without the Al. “Come, now! Move on!” Tuenrz is aloud talk about au a German as the | new Director of the National eee place | y ’ s.d08 v | IP % ell ile : y ‘ a //+ cS : any elateae on the truth po pay eC ty a soreignes Buel! be foun rough it will be time to raise the ar agh sat > too veer to do, of “ Pryce 's Wasces stops the way.” ‘ Io ” , Undergraduate. “You Doy’t oBsEcY To Suoxtna, I nore | THE ADVICE OF A PROSY TEBIORALLER. Old Party (probably @ Mirector). “Yxs, Sim! I opsect very mucn rxpeep!—)| Twene are actors and authors i ‘wisdom | ty Pact, | HAVE THE STRONGEST OBJECTION TO SMOKING!!!’ | will come from drinking, for the simple reason, I suppose, | r ander renee “Hu! Ha! Somz PEOPLE HAVE.” ara the next Afty miles. | that Movem¥a was born of a sqiing headache, © | A | FLUNKEY GOVERNMENT IN SPAIN. Iv England our Ministers wear what is called the Windsor Uniform, , which although a quiet compromise between the dress of a penny post- man and that of a parish beadle, is nevertheless more dashing than } Pr iil KIA dignified. In isin, FNoweullt the Qneen has degraded the Cabinet Slit i AS into an establishment of Flunkeys by a process which will be explained ; shat s by the following paragrapb :— : ) “The Madrid Gasette of the 20th ult. contains the following royal decree :—‘ Ex- C to carry always a distinctive sign of the superior authority they exercise, and the tall walking cane ;aceording to the laws and customs of Spain, the emblem of all anthority, Her the Queen (whom God preserve!) has. after hearing her shall always when in uniform or plain clothes, a tall cane with the head and guidance, May ane you many years! Cour pz Saw Luis. Madrid, 24th May. To the Minister of —— : ” } It seems, that the “ i which in England is | the emblem of all beadledom, afid of all the loftier regions of footman- | ship, is, “ according to the laws and 7 £ f § , the emblem of | ALL AUTHORITY.” A Spanish minister of rown is therefore | peeves when on service, either in Bs Bad or in plain clothes— both in and out o walk- “with ap instrument similar to | that which has lon | of our arcades, and been the | terror of London t of the despot of Lowther or | the autocrat of B We may east which is ready to assume the-t the : in we ean have no ¢ at ole of th ees sorerament would | A RIGHT DIRECTION. or pa r or their heads, and| Tom. “ Wuenz SHALL I TELL HER TO WRITE TO YoU, Jack?” even carry & hy : at the bidding of their | Jack, “W8Y, You'D BETTER SAY SesaSTERPOOL oR St. PETERS- royal mistress. ome Uffculty in Imagining the full extent of | nuc—wsz sHALL BE AT ONE 0’ THE OTHER BY THAT TIME.” the absurdity of this Son for we cannot. fancy Lorp Joun strutting | about with “a tall cane with the head and tassel in gold,” as the | aan of - ~~ Our and etd sick are ridiculous qpoaeh 5 ’ hes a as the wretc a sc ts) URNS, an slave at Boston, to his ceremony which is a ok Peabo Ie act echisne about | master. “ he aeetse ™ » 2 —. 6 bob lined bed wth ts and with long footman’s canes, presents picture of melancholy tomfoolery | commanded with cannon.” t was the flag? not the which in almost any other country but would tumble over by | star banner; but ge Bik Flag, with eee ull and A Slave Banner. the extent of its own inanity. cross-bones.

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———_ : a Lozrpj A——-xs, Losp J. R—+. A~ HOME AND FOREIGN QUESTION. Johanna, “ WHEN’S THE FIGHTING GOIN’ TO BEGIN, GEORGE-ENA?” ——— Junge 24, 1854.) [Puscu, No. 676.

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a < ~~ ~ aan 4 , “ pe yr ~ arg Gibeaks m

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 263 ANOTHER RUSSfAN SUCCESS ! We have been exclusively favoured with a copy of the following letter addressed by the Cezarovitch to a captain of one of the frigates lying under the batteries of Cron- stadt :— “ Dear SLEEPITOFPSKY, “I congratulate you upon the resolution with which you continue to lie at anchor. This victory of pa- tience, this conquest of re- signation, hus obtained for you the Order of St. Dono- thingtonobodyoffsky, which I am proud to send you. “Continue in your forti- tude; contemptuously des- pise the infidel English—(the companions and comrades of Turks and unbelievers) —laugh at Sm Cuarwes Napier, in the full security of our invincible fortresses ; and the more the enemy shows himself, the less re- gard him. “Wear out the patience of the foe, and save powder and shot. I further send you a chess-board and men: the men made out of the bones of English admirals taken captive, and dying, prisoners of war, in Holy Russia. The noble game of chess will solace you in the magnanimity of your inaction. Continue to do nothing and prosper. 1 embrace you. “ ALEXANDER.” CATALOGUE OF A CURIOUS COLLECTION IN THE ‘STONE PALACE AT WESTMINSTER. Messteurs Purr’emM anp Quiz’em present their respects To the Curious Public, and beg to annex An account of the specimens, brought from all parts Of the kingdom, of objects in science and arts, At the Palace at Westminster, open to view, By ticket, each night in the week, except two. They flatter themselves that the Public will find No Collection elsewhere of a similar kind. P. and Q. must confess—and take leave to premise,— That the building is not yet of very great size. A Hatt and two Cuampenrs are all that are ready, With A’Court, and a Portat, not massive, but steady : Not so with two Vanes, for,—why they can’t say,— Each obstinate Vane points a different way. But now for the list :—P. and Q. have long kept on The science of Landscape a sharp eye, like Rerron. They acknowledge they cannot yet beat the Chinese, And, perhaps, they are somewhat deficient in trees. Suffolk Oakes they have got, and a Woon, rather thin But they hope very soon to put many more in. Though no “ braes,” they no fountain ; A Hut they ’ve secured; they ’ve no place for a mountain, Nor room for a sea; if they had, they ‘ve a Beacu; Then they ’ve Weis, and pure Wa(L)TeR within easy reach. In higher Zoology and in the low, P. and 0. have some very rare species to show. To begin with the last ;—the flesh-feeders, though many, Do not eat each other, like cats of Kilkenny. A few are ferocious, but most are quite tame, And will stand on two legs, when called by their name. There’s a Buck, never dangerous, though he ’s grain-fed, And a Hoag, but his tusk (if he had one) is shed. For the chase, there ’s a Rozsuck, with two kinds of Fox. Of birds, they’ve a Coors, and a Marrry, and Cocks, Of fish, the collection at present is thin : There ’s a Rocue; of another there is but a Pune. | Of the great mammal, man, they've some whimsical samples ; They mention a few, just by way of examples. | There’s Fouey at full length—no Jaques could doubt him,— Yet with none of the motley or zany about him. : One is Swirt, though his motions be ever so siow ; j - Another ranks high, though he’s known to be Lowz. One, constantly Moony, is cheerful and hearty ; And one, a good Hayter, the man for a party. Although most have their tempers well under command, Yet the Hasrre are double the number of Buanp ; And, strangest of all, there are two,—and they ’ve wiwes,— Will continue quite Youne and a Curxp all their lives, That “the best are the fewest” old sages advise ; So there’s only one Goopmay, and only one Wise : And a Vyse has crept in,—but not one that will hurt you Yet it grieves P. and Q. that they have not a virtue. Of mineral science they ’ve little to say : There’s fine Limerick Goon under true London Ciay. j y In the artisan line, the collection ’s abundant ; } ay In Sirus of all kinds it may perhaps be redundant. » § There ’s a Ganpwer, a FULLER, a Tom a TayLor, (The last two could serve as Soldier and Sailor), A Carter, a Porrer, a Butter tip-top, : And two Sapierrs,—one lately gave up a good shop. A Horsman there is, but he don’t teach the horse. As they ’ve Cores, why a Cotirer they must have, of course. The fabrics of art which the Public may see, Include ManGues and Mitts, a Locke (but no key), ; A Corrry, one Patren, two Batis and a Bex, With a Bacee that protects all farm-produce quite well. i Of colours, the list into duplicates runs :— ! } They’ve two Browns and two Gaeenes, two Greys and two Dunnzs, | f Which sometimes change hues, though they don’t fade away A Grey in the night may be Re(a)p the next day. i Should refreshments be needed, they can, in a trice. Serve up, ready dressed, a good Cunniz and Rice. Malt liquor is scarce :—it’s a fact there ’s no blinking, Though they ’ve (H)axe, pretty old, it is not fit for drinking. jj But they ’ve always in store, if you wish to be merry, , Two Burts (neither empty), and excellent Penny, } With Lemon and Peet, to give it a zest, : And Fe..owes who would not look grave at a jest. No music by law is allowed in the place, But a chorus,—for that they ’ve a very deep Bass. 8.P. No gratuities paid at the door : And observe that it opens precisely at four. SPIRITS WANTED FOR THE NAVY. Everrsopy admits that much of the naval success of England in former days has been due to our naval songs, which used to ignite the spirit of our tars with the sacred flame of poetry. We have therefore to recommend to the Admiralty that, in addition to the i advertisements now being issued for a supply of Baltic Pipe Staves, some announcements should be put forth for a supply of Patriotic | Staves, which may be piped at the Baltic with the best effect on the spirits of our seamen. Lemon juice in bottles is an excellent thing, no doubt, for the bodily health of the fleet, but a quantity of poetic | measures—brimming over with the flow of soul—would, we are sure, | be found conducive to bringing our hearts of oak into healthy action. ; | As Government departments can seldom do anything without a precedent, or, in other words, are so destitute of bold originality, that they always want something to copy, we have much pleasure in | furnishing the following specimen of an advertisement :— | (1ONTRACT FOR THE SUPPLY OF PATRIOTIC SPIRITS FOR » Bankes, and a Brook } gl 4 THE NAVY.—The Commissioners for executing the office of Lord High : Ve DANKES, and @ DROOKE, though ,amiral, do hereby give notice, that they are now ready to treat with such Poets and Song-Writers as may be willing to contract for supplying and delivering into Hen : Massery's Printing-Office, 500 Lines of Patriotic Staves fit for immediate use in the | Black Sea and the Baltic. Samples of the sort of article required may be seen in any edition of the songs of Dinpiw, Every stave must be at least sixteen feet long, of approved poetic measure. Every stave must contain a fair amount of genuine spirit, which must be capable of extension, by amalgamation with the air, © which every | stave must be expressly adapted. | ‘Tenders need not be sealed; but they must show marks of something | beyond the ordinary stamp. ‘There should be no useless words, and if | any figures are introduced, they must be of an intelligible character. | Tar and Tartar. | ApmrnaL Puomnrpes has destroyed 18,000 casks of Russian tar at | Uleaborg. Nicnoias says he doesn’t mind the loss, as he has quite ‘enough Kaglish tar on his hands.

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264 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. S. L. Indeed, I should*like to go as well; But really I have nothing to sell. F. L. Nonsense. I thought like you, Exiza, But now I ’ve grown a good deal wiser. Last Sunday [ looked dreadful shabby, My gownd was torn, and my bonnet was flabby, And as for my shoes, the sight was piteous, ‘They were a deal more holy than righteous. = S. LZ. And how did you get such a fine turn-out, “a ou’re fit to go to Vicrorta’s rout ! * x By taking all sorts of odds and ends, » a — who deals with myself and —_. othing comes wrong, spoons, candles, or keys, | Coals, penknives, scissors, just what you please f } ' Soap, brushes, handkerchiefs, please to bring, Or once in a way, a brooch or a ring. The hundred things that Missuses miss, But nobody never knows where they is. Bring any or all to Jonataay Sivw, | He asks no questions, and pays like fun. S. L. You're right, Ma’am, right as ever can be, | You’re attir’d in splendour, and why not me ? y To-night with a bundle of things I’ll come, f And so hurrah for Joyarnay Siu! j The above and similar invitations may account for a few | | phenomena of disappearances which oecasi our matron». | Mr. Punch proceeds to the next specimen, which is from the same | school, but addressed to the weaknesses of the stronger sex. It is illus- trated with a picture in two com . In one of them a very showily dressed young lady is looking greatly disgusted at the advances |of a ragged, dirty suitor, and in the character of Divan, addresses. lst Gallant (warmly). “ Supple-endid little Creature, isn’t she ? Look /” | him. ’ 2nd Gallant (guardedly). “ Um—well—yes—rather—what there ws of | WILLIKINS AND HIS DINAH. her j “ Now really, Ma, Wii11Kxs, I can’t rmission, $$ a — — ——— For you to come courting in that wad pews ition, You look quite sneaking, and gnober, and shady, I JFFIN And not at all fit to to A PLEBEIAN AND PATRICIAN PUFFING. | Wir don't you 4, et. admized depot, Mr. Pouncu has recently been invited to direct his attention to the | get you: dressed like a regular Beau ? ne which have been made in the Literature of mercantile | This uncompromising advice is, we are to understand, followed by He does not dilude to the devices of aristocratic tradesmen at the 0 jae yer to on he coanenens eeeied wae ne * bb — who insert paragraphs in oe — -_ pte - woe _ bright blue oak aan swe, be = il > meiy contrasting ‘Ww his | f editorial observations, inning with reflections on the destinies o : ’ agger strong]: . Barepe, andl concluding eth the consoling assurance that though | PF°¥!0™s hang-dog appearance. He addresses the lady : thrones may totter, and dynasties fade away, the emporium of Mzssns. | “I took your advice, my dearest Divan, Tac, Rac, anv Suoppr still displays its unrivalled assortment of, &e. | And I think you’ll own I’m a good deal finer. Nor does he refer to the tainting which scamps, who | What a splendid assortment does SLopwork keep, allege that they have an enormous and — stock to dispose of at a What spicy clothes, and how precious cheap ! great sacrifice, contrive to deliver at our houses, at hours when the heads | . . of the families are sure to be absent, and the Seiine ( whe were > never The charmed lady responds : | intended by nature to resist “ ins”) are likely to be deluded into) “Oh, really, dear Wriirxms, how truly kind, o> a ace: of rabbish, and to be b or cheated, and probably | Tok we humble advion im mi th. ‘ | Nor does he advert to the fabrications of music publishers, who puff | en fr aghe near sun eg an’s heart ; their songs with extracts from fabulous journals ; nor to the “ opinions Therefore te al young go of the provincial press” cited by booksellers in favour of intolerable | To Trworay Suorworx’s, Trumpery Row. novels: nor to the miraculous cures effected by the newly discovered | Aromatic Oil of Tadpoles upon the persons of afflicted aristocrats ; aed to the hundred and one quackeries of the kind which address themselves | ; " to the wealthier members of the genus asinus. collection, proving to Jewkixs and Mr. Punch has been requested to look at humbler expedients to touch of puifing makes the whole set obtain notice, and to remark now the example of the patrician puffer has ' wrought with his plebeian brother. A great mass of compositions of | this kind has been handed in to a. des on =f - hes pleasure in| A Safe Speculation. submitting afew specimens, which, if t ve not the insinuating tone | Suxce that stu ser wane.” Cai "Cleliseal se Dindeitenst Nir of Jenxins (whose leisure hours, ca Far can spare him, nian ekomiell ype ebitbaly, Cond Fiese Ae ts Here Mr. Punch will pause for the present. but he has still a large is aristocratic friends that one kin, are devoted to the service of the tradesmen of Marchionesses) have Shab Gon aemeecanmeee teh bon, Hee ae of be a rough, careless dash and flavour of their own. ; | employed for a perean of effecting, as fe panes a t The first is poetical, and is embellished by a large and highly coloured | triumph of war. An association might be got up which should co engraving of two ladies, who follow the invaluable profession of a cook. tract with Government, for a certain sum, to ee aan the Expenor But there are cooks cooks. One of these is page or Russia; and if this project were adopted there can be attired in a brilliant yellow gown, red bonnet, and green shawl, and that the thing would be done; the Russians driven back ; peace carries a gorgeous reticule and a variegated a. The other is in established; and Nicuoras abolished, in a much shorter time than |. humbler garb—and is indeed | . The is attended by 4| any one of these objects is likely to be by the present, or joyous little boy, who, with his lady friend, form the “ merry throng” | any other, Cabinet. alluded to in the verses. A CONVERSATION. Iil-Treatment of Mr. Ursquirt. 4 ing, throng ? Ar a recent meeting called by Mz. Davin Unsqurnt, the ungrate- ey ey yy Tiadion enenm ion \ful folks gave three cheers for Turkey, and shut their ears to the S. L. But what to do if f may make bold ? | Goose ! _ The excuse for this omission is, that there was never so big a | F. L. To turn Rubbish into Silver and Gold. | goose with so little of the Sage in him! | g

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 266

THE SCHELMSMUSEUM. HE project now on foot for eh > > the formation of a ‘Trade Museum has found favour with Mr. Punch, who anxious to commend it

‘nation of sho To such a nation a Trade be interesting, amusing, and fo sition im every branch of | times when the occupation | of a trader was very properly te rmed his “ mystery ” his “ craft,”

in like manner, so impregnated his system with is | heartily to the notice of the | a to : Museum would at any time | igo" hl me ol of ayes} instruetive, but es the pre-| very numessas..cases of r valence of fraud and impo-| youths who are ually coming bef trade, shows that we are fast | Some returning to those good old | of le Punch ae... structure 7

hie health by inhaling the alum oleh he a up with the flour, that | he has been compelled to relinquish his business ; while the other has, , me-dust, as to have | brought on ossification of the heart—a circumstance which induces Punch to alter an old adage thus—“ What is bone in the bread will ©' not out of the flesh.” NEW CHAIRS AT oo AND : a? Onz elanse is : i, which the ; ould be made Yor lambridge. ‘The ae other pexperienced ore the pu in the Law -_————e -— -—— _—_____ ~

) bill discounters, That branch edge of the At resent on K as 5 viotions 9

“ 1s th re

world ; knowingt greater ignow natural hi

to put forth the Prospectus | ome isi of another Museum or Exposition (as the Vrench would call it) of all | Prius 288. the “ Mysteries of London.” A suitable building will be erected at no| The lag is ockeys, expense whatever, on thesplan which has answered so well in many of and gam@iers, and and worse our newly built suburbs. The purchase money of the site will be | people, sogn 2S wise. _ But borrowed, and when the title deeds have been obtained the site will be | the ¢ a pigeon bird. He has mortgaged. With the money thus the building materials '] nt ae ae languages ; will be purchased, and when the bailing j is complete :/ also will be | but the 2 render him mortgaged. The newly acquired funds may be applied to the purpose | competent te e pl was never of paying the builder, but as at the same time they may xof, Punch | conversant with ‘socisty of , and betting leaves the publie to conjecture what is most likely to become of them, | stands. His acquaintance to his pa- The Schelmsmuseum (to borrow a word from those dear Germans) will | rishioners; and probaoly he never im his life met with a greater illustrate ali the frauds and adulterations of ancient and modern | scoundrel "than some clown who was convicted of sheep-stealing. tradesmen, display the rapid strides which our generation has made, and serve at once as a stimulus to the ingennit of our children, and as a starting point from which their progress may hereafter be measured. Thus, on entering the vestibule of the building, the spectators will look with interest on the statue of the founder of the art ; the first man who “sanded the sugar,” or, as the inseription on the statue says, Qui miscuit utile dulei. And they will naturally be led to reflect upon the wonderful genius of his disciples, who have so far improved upon , the practice of their master as to adulterate the me also. The | enthusiast in the cause on perceiving in the vestibule a beautiful series of preparations, such as coffee adulterated with chicory, wherein was mingled aga yee in the composition of which alum, partly made up of bone dust, had been used, will triumphantly infer thet > adulteration | ‘ is carried on ad infinitum, and is therefore honest, as the purchaser of | t an article composed of an infinite series of articles must get all that he intends - buy. The rs of the Schelmsmuseum will take great | |@ newspaper. And then he won’t read his Times; or, perhaps, poor fellow, with | a curacy of £80 a year, and nothing more to subsist on, he can’t afford At last, picking one up by chance, his cye lights on an advertisement offering accommodation; and, old bird as aforesaid though he may be, he is.caught by the chaff. A Professorship of Knowledge of the World would afford the means of forearming by forewarning young men against the swindlers above alluded to, and others. This instruction the Professor could convey in a course of lectures of a familiar nature, illustrated by scenic, | and dramatic accessories. For example, the stages of a transaction on the part of . spendthrift with a usurer pretending to be @ wine-merchant, exhibited in the form of a modern “Mystery, or “ Morality "= though ¢ ity” would perhaps be term—the Professor explaining the business in | the ca pore of Chorus, This union of the mediwval with the classical, | would be co to both Universities—but especially Oxford. pains to lay the raw material in immediate connexion with the | At either seat of pont how information y_ requisite, see Aa IP = : article, though, for obvious reasons, the process of blended with amusement omally, desirable, might be supplied in an manufacture must be left to the imagination of the beholders. Thus | adequate lecture on the subject of an operation about | one case will contain fine specimens of the felis communis of Linnxus,| Which many seholars, as weil as d w 80 little as even to be and the canis domesticus of Burron, together with a mutton pie and a | ‘enanant ~ the ee frequency with which the is connected pound of om somseare, A jar of new Hybla honey will appropriately accompany a hive of | bee but it will be left to the last named industrious creatures to say they can be i the sugar duties will make any di happens to understand the - from Hos how it is that carrots an which the marmalade of orange-flowers, he may learn fessor ight {if to unbuzzum) why they put so much sugar at | with that ourpence per pound into ee honey, and whether the alteration of termed a ee fference to them. Also if any one | aie the world with yo eyes open. It vould be a cheap substitute or turnips grow on the orange trees price. It would greatly diminish the tivate. reverend “Ghooll © ‘fumption be tho mat foo idiomatic an expression, the Pro- be styled the a at rot Vigilewos and in conformity itle, his costume might be disti by. the species of cap His teaching wo cond. Visivemnty studio students which have now pene nerally to be bought at an exorbitant number of ordained yokels and greenhorns, to the great advantage of the Church, and to the | Unable to specify the numberless attractive objects by which” the | detriment a oly of the disreputable portion of the Synagogue. It, would | trium = pe progress of fraud and adulteration will be illustrated, | Punch passes on to other arrangements. The directors had intended | to engage several brass bands, but on reflecting, that to be in harmony with the rest of the exhibition, the musicians must only utter false | notes, they thought it better to dispense with music altogether than to | ron a tisk of wearying the publi public by too rigid an adherence to first | princip Several. interpreters will be required to explain to the visitors the Greek and Latin names of the ar articles exhibited. And as the Cuay-| ckLiog or THe Excurqven has abandoned his scheme for the im- by lowing th Jors and Masters of Arts from disgracing, their degrees themselves to be outwitted by those who are proficient in | i ance art of roguery. = — ——__—y-

| Otho Extinguished. THat pes? little ie, called Oro has been very properly put jout. It would splutte would splash its Greece about, hk would | make itself troub and France and England have | ement of the Civil 1 Service, it is to be hoped that the authorities at | ee eae sensible Thing in clapping an extinguisher on the insig- or College will devote to the training of such interpreters the depart- which they had intended’ for candidates for admis pale charity, the Directors. intend to devote the profits of one day |

Where is the Russian Flag? Tire flagless condition of the Wussian fortresses—where no bit of | in every week—to wit, Guntey, when the Exhibition wil! be closed—to | bunting waves—may, we trust, be taken as the proplietic condition of the use of the Punch is anthorised to state that) the Emrsror NICHOLssgs the-was continuing, will in good the first beneficiares will be two millers, one of whom has so injured | time not have a rag to cover him,

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en ee | eaten = oe EY De ez ae rs _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON

CHARIVARI. _f

" hi ll (6 & | i a af Pe a - a confined to plaees of business, | within an easy, but to them = impassable, dotgaes = Conte, i -4<= Sedenkene A ‘atin holiday on Saturday is : moe r claim, ani it is conceded, we shall have to call upon the ae ge of the Crystal Palace to choose some other day in the week for those who like to enjoy the luxury Oxe or ove Cowramurons 47 St HuW BE MANAG@SD THE GuIDE of paying five s Ee

We a half-holiday ance at least in the week, and we hope to see the time | who has taken to horticulture i his datega, Wal the: Soar of the when there” may be a still greater curtailment of mere money-making every day introduces us to | some new- mode transferring to' mere matter the work re-|

quiring merely material force, and setting mind at liberty for the the hours devoted to | British Army will be destroyed by doing away. with the stocks,

PROVERBIAL PHILosorHy. ee AND 2 without a doubt, is the Bear, and Pruss:

peered be tient g Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13,1 of S*.P d Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 27, Vietoria "in the County of Midilae. Fintre. bt thaw Otce we Lonard Suey ie F sct of Whnestiarerin the Ch ef Lanier and Puninaed the City of ht —Sarvapar, Jue, 1864, ‘Ss Picde Bueees inthe’ Photon of Brides

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267 | S entertained. Oxz is often puzzled to conceive ; wihenme a minis Bove ae co who it is that goes to the trouble the Coppedacion ior, who is Kngland’s The rank of and expense of inserting such c (on old Pasxrewiten’s retirement) might advertisements as we oceasionally, ambition, and the title of Mulliganoff-Innisfailsky, eg lhe © r- ee ene patent was actually i. out aaee be worn without 3 . being repeatedly informed, ‘that whose loftier x regal rights been reft from = Maz,” and the three “THERE IS NO intimation that must have cost ¥ against which years to contra- several pounds to the person who pel ew ans yet & Foow ietio epepreater rage than Our eye has just lighted on an ; . ’ my firm but respectful a aes of a fact, — of such frequent occurrence, we should hardly have thought it could have been worth the while of any one to publish it, | much less to pay for its insertion in the advertising columns of a! newspaper. announcement to. which we allude consists of the simple words— GTOPPED:—A GENTLEMAN'S GOLD WATCH. If we knew the gentleman, we would advise him, if his watch is | pep he try the effect of winding it up, a remedy which is often | found effectual. If the gentleman has advertised the fact of his watch | being stopped, in the hope that some kind friend may give him a hint | how to proceed, his object will be gained by the recommendation we have just addressed to him. Nevertheless, should the winding up prove ineffectual, we would further advise the gentleman, whose watch | is stopped, to take it to some respectable watchmaker’s. IMPORTANT FROM THE SEAT OF WAR! LETTERS FROM THE EAST BY OUR OWN BASHI-BOZOUK. “ Camp under Redout Kale, “My Dear Sm, “13th Shiboob, 1271. “Tae sudden departure of my Tatar yesterday, pratee me from making a statement which would have been as well at the com- mencement of my correspondence, and explaining at full my reasons for joining the Turkish army, and the peculiar means of information which possess now [ am here. O’Loowsgy, my second in command, is also here (the honest fellow, late an officer in the Nizam’s service, is snoring on his sheepskins within a couple of yards of me), but what means of information does he possess ? He ean judge the ponds day the various taverns ot Scutari and Pera, is a connoisseur in ho h, and a great consumer of raki; hut he knows no more about the war than my two black slaves which the Suttana Vaive gave me when | took leave of her three weeks since at Constantinople. “To resume my Petersburg narrative then, and the causes of my quitting that — taking arms against its sovereign, with whom I have always on terms of the most friendly and affectionate intercourse. The Imperial treatment of me, and the scoundrell behaviour of a certain lieutenant of police,—behaviour of which a not ahd gi ye cee Tet Casatecesd mere An — who happened to be in the room, was absolutely humiliating, The eum great fan) iknow ‘and my exterminating projectiles (of ‘Teaties of the poor dear Emraess and the lage children and grand- which the War and the = = hear terrific news ere long) to His Children (who I believe love me like one of the family) were difficult Hicuwzss Aspvt Mxoszep. I do not conceal that my s ieg | © Withstand ; harder still to bear were the wretched appealing looks, are not with these Turks. They must ere long be swept out - — | the tears yotng in the beautiful azure eyes, the lips quivering with Why should there not be an Emperor in i, as well as in ©™motion, the soft little hands clasped in tnavailing supplication, of the Petersburg ? he werea Russian prince. Why not > The Romanorr | 0¥ tILDA Scuouzorr, one of the Imperial Maids of Honour and of Teshey ond ho Memmameee ah bee tol eens oct infallibly of the second Mistress of Robes to Her Majesty. I, for my quarrel, as the French and ish Bounsons es Lam not particu-| part, an eae nes face or sae as bat m7 than the : “tatt ” : s of a loving woman. Every gentleman will understand the agonies el i oma, or mediating and stomping hs Et | (ae ia my bull wih ons Who had bee 50 vctonoos ver My thi denen the, Snare, a 5 at midnight in on “My di with his Majes!y and my rejection of his proposals took at the Hétel d’Angleterre, and a treacherous banishment into Siberia | Place on the very day, I thik it was the 18th of January last, when _ afterwards | that . : poor ion of Quakers, as you remember, had their final conduct —s — 2 om wht ee a ow aa interview Ley despotic over et millions of men. That the of Tues Emrenor is a master of dissimulation is clear, not only from certain “ Knowing. that hed oat 8 po of on my head after that documents which have come to light subsequently, but from his beha- hed affair of wrete Sangeny, which but for Surru O’Buren’s foolish | Your towards i ae and I mod ae Ritarg Age quarrel about the suecession to the throne with me, might have had a ino — ° lodged : 1, different issue,* that seturn home : | un the Nepomuk Platz ; and with one of the junior — ond ™ b was impossible, the members the peaceful party, an agreeable lively fellow, a a if the O’Buisx, forsooth, could compete in ancestral merit or in personal right | Dosxtixs, of Godmanchester, | became intimate. I introduce the...«. I had nearly divuiged name, neigt! : : hn Leno Taaias, ite Rovat Hicnwess =o to or po nea 20 000 suitioss | him to the Guards’ barracks, took him about the town to the public bearing of the Qouex or Ex I Pp , and presented him in some of the most fashionable houses, cumity) might be inconvenient. ee ee a where ‘le beau quakre,’ as he was called, was a considerable favourite. VOL, XXVI. DD

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vers hee 268 PUNCH, OR THE _LONDON CHARIVARI. Out of his "oO costum which he parade, he was | “a an exceedingly handsome yume fellow, not she beg p myself as the | THE ORACLES.” dear Mati insisted, t I am some nine incl oader bet ween | Under which king?” . the shoulders, and twelve inches less in the — pm my yous | } broad. d-brimmed acquaintance, oan ee se 78; “I'm an sed several merry ev and had rather a pleasant | ! table 4 . bte at the Hétel d ae where, however, there was ABERDEEN says, “I’m What c to get in one one guest who, for private reasons, as well as for his own disgusting | behaviour, was ially odious to me; this was no other than the) notorious CouNT UPFSKIN, who is known at every cambling house in Europe, who is at present commandant at Tamboff, and had come to the capital to collet and what is more, to dispute with me the hand of _ lovely Matitpa Scuovuzorr. wr slept m the apart- ment, No. 7, contigaous to thy rooms, No. 8, on the second floor: many a time have T heard the fellow snoring, whilst I myself was, \’ pacing my chamber (haply turning verses in honour of MattLpa), and longed to go in, and strangle my rival. Mariipa’s mother was on my ‘ ide, whilst her father, from old family connection, inclined towards U PYSKIN. “His Excrriency Parnce Scuovuzorr is President of the secret Correctional Police of St. Petersburg, an institution which everybody When Rossert’s black of | ABERDEEN’S Dull white but gets a knows and fears in that capital, and nobody talks about. As I have dab in it, ate with = wy ae! Court Ny is ky —- why I should keep What eng we've a de. the secret or hesitate to divalge the scandal. me years sinee in your , bm. ca REY own paper I remember there was ular account of a Russian dig- mH To harmonise the Ca- { nitary m London being = ee his a# ments at Lone’s or , binet ? Mivart’s, or it may have been Gri.iton’s, bat ¢ e hotel does not matter, Oh there ’s nothing like your neutral tint, by four drummers of the Pre -obajenski regiment, "wi entered his room | All contrasts harsh to sever; disguised as waiters, and then and there gave him three dozen each, | So “may difference of opinion taking his receipt for the same, Every word of that narrative is true; E Never alter friendship—never.” there’s scarcely a man in Petersburg but for some offence to the Court | he has had a visit from the Secret Correctional Police. What was the} Lorp Jonny was aye a er bold meaning at the oy of the present season of CHAMBERLAIN | In youth, and now he’s older ; X. keeping his bed, and Pamvce Y.’ *s lumbago? This discipline is so | But bold as he may think hime, common, 80 sharp and decisive, that nobody dare speak of it above his ABERDEEN is surely breath, and it is dreadful to think how many of this proud nobility have | The one, he taunts the Czar, adhe to had . taste of the rattan, Siberia can’t send him ; I haye spoken before of this degrading punishment having been The other positively has conferred upon me—upon me the descendant of kings, the inheritor and | The courage to defend him. representative of centuries of honour ! not aetually, for had I received a | For the one, Old Nicx’s true colours | blow, the Chief of the House of Romanorr or that of M. would Are as black as those he’s paintedjwith ; | now be nomore; but in intent the insult remains to be terribly avenged, For the other, he ’s a gent we all _ though the degrading knout descended upon the shoulders of another. May be proud to be aequainted with. | “The thing was the talk of Petersburg, as sy i talks—under But “de gustibus non disputan- its breath—and what really happened was briefly this. Count Tvrr- | dum” is a truth for ever ; SKIN, like too many of the Russian nobility, indulges in the habit of So “ may difference of opinion _ frequent inebriation, and on the night after that painful morning and | Never alter friendship—never.” interview in which L had resigned the Empznor’s service, Turrsk1y, | Onoth le L J myself, one or two of the younger Quakers, and a few more habitucs of = racic io the Valture’ the hotel partook of a farewell supper. It was Wednesday, and our a nut sei yh ulture’s pinions ;” Quaker friends were to go on Friday, ‘and gave us the last evening | Quoth orac RD a teonint ~ vi eg re | Ogee ae , “Dan phe Be I received a pe note—blessings be on the ’ | hand!— which , and put > ‘my pocket, not heeding the Pr = thinks pd y mua V ulgar jokes of ree and Poy satire. «Me: —- pk. pact vult He had already several bottles a Clicquot. I now pressed | I 2 a dove, and not a 8 free 4 = with brandy ; the week eral, ry os rer pd ietecionted, “Mast fall om his a Mh we eens when 1 took him, reeling and sense and conduct im to bec | ‘I put him into my room, No.7 (it has a beautiful prospect over'| Las Ase ne fear can feel | the Neva, the four bridges, the Naval Arsenal, the Pauloff Palace, and An ussia’s Lrvatraes the Neuskoi Prospekt). . The house is dear, but ae 3 the best in| ped —as ¥ ivé years’ peace ; Petersburg.) I put nag og into my room, No. 7 an into my bed :| USSELL Wants peace If ever : and 1 went into Korean But “ may difference of opinion “ At two o’clock in n they alien when the house was hushed, I heard Never alter friendship—never.” the tramp of men on the corridor : if was the secret Correctional Police. Lorp Joun finds Russia dealing “ At five minutes pest two, Bed 9, Moe ge Dosxxys, the Quaker before | ‘A mane of fraud aad robbery | mentioned, put his head A yd bed chamber door, but was thrust | ABERDEEN sees : back by a antec ~ hp i and told to mind his own business. Whereat to make a berry. ‘ rd — shrieks proceeding from No. 7. Lorp Jom excites Joun Bout, « They eo , edninstorlg the knout to Tuvrsxin, mistaking him for As though to fight he’d lead & him; your “ Basui-Bozovx.” | Anenem, —_ Magar y ad hin Sano o purge and le The one would Turkey Echo answers “ Police.” oy | oe Neg ape Tur Opera season— on account of the heat that revails, oF o other 's for P quo ought to prevail, at time of year—is usually mark some nent ae pene amp HP Be ok wma Perhaps the most | Here’s black and white for ever ! distressing result that has yet ensued may be seen in the two aacaad And “ may difference of opinion questions which have recently been put to us :— Never alter friendship—never hed 7: Is fe scene of Mozarr’s Seraglio laid in Serra-Lion (Sierra ne) ? sag epee ge bon 2 ie First oy um Race-fiuce tht Roerien Genel Somers this we may ask whether, -\ hot season dogs are the been obliged to retreat, it be naturally asked, whether he is only animals that ought bed be mussled ? _tany: relation | to the celebrated a Flying Childers.” iv, eiote ye

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JUDICIAL BUTTER. A MINISTERIAL WARMING-PAN. We like a loyal judge, but we do not like to see a Chief Justice turning himself into a butter- —~* a =, purpose of 1 ong out a ae tity of melted butter over the Royal family. In the Queen’s nch, the other day, there was a thorough inundation of what may be familiarly termed “sweet sauce” we may be allowed to apply the term “sauce ” to that which savoursd cutieaier a of impertinence. An action had been brought with reference to some ine _beesr' belonging » the Duchy of Cornwall, and the Attorney-Ge said, very properly, that “the desire of acting for the Prrxce or WaLes was to preven any noxious trade being eatried on there.” There had, it! ms, been a bone-boiling business carried on, and the desire to get rid "of it was, no doubt, laudable; but we think it ee justified the following flood of melted butter from the mouth of Loap CamPpex. — “ If one could g pela hie Lactate, Seen ae vat Higuywess tHe Parc | ov Waves knew premises it would do greatest our to bis youthful mind that he should use his influence to put a stop to these The Pausce ov Wats is avery amiably disposed litile fellow, ond Srrvrr,” who was once ment, arming pans are rat out of fashion in every-day life, but such an article appears still to be useful as of the furniture of ay treet. Mr. Sraurr has evidently selected by his late for the task of place that some one das is dened to oceupy. The great merit of this — as a Ministerial Warmi in his excessive eool- will, in due time, do all that is ex of him, we dare say; but it a a which requires a stretch 0 imagination to faney him’ prevents the probability that those who le with him will burn wandering the, wharves on the beth side of the Thames, in their fingers. The nue and ousted Sravrr will henceforth i a of “nosing” out a nuisance, It igmot to be expected that his find himself free to devote himself to any kind of amusement, and, if Royal should be permitted to ramble amid the mud of the he fo Shave | ‘Sports and Pastimes” with which the name metropo! ag a with ay wey to ede y Ty bone to pick with a bone- of Srrur? has long been honourably identified, Never was there a pollen, ahs Ae pee tenants of the Duchy of more accommodating colleague, for no treatment “ puts him out ”—not BP Gesaut evidently feeling the absurdity of | even the rid of him. oe supposition io ieee the rons could ald reflect “the greatest honour on | getting poate, Ait le cdalale * Saale the youthful mind of the STE or Waxes,” at once gave the merit where it oo ol - pb ga a, Royal =. Paivce ALBERT, hig, BISHOP OF LONDON’ 8 FLOCK IN THE CITY. was aware of the state neigh ppt ly was ms most sesso like to know who dares to say that the Churek in the that no pesiow trade should be carried on upon cin > 4 flock, when autede whe walks @ rides 7 an wie y Degen for Lorp Carat wh fi ae py of mal of melted | omnibus Peul’s may see a regular flock grazing on the stunted betes Parnes f moe ee ee 10 | grass pres ps. affords a decent covering to the graves in the oae. ast il take it did ey tyne g ent peaguees Parsce Atoret the Mates honour be an oP shonid an interest things wee mest praiseworthy and landsble, appear to be in need of some immediate pastoral to improve and must be very gratitying to all persons their pasture. . Besides the unpleasantness attending the idea of We all know that the judicial bench is, in othe days, quite in- rearing mutton on the crop grown from the decaying remains of mor- corruptible ; but adulation is ill suited to its dignity. Lorp CaMPBELL tality, we find something disagreable in the notion that perhaps the no doubt meant to be very complimentary; but, if we were a royal sheep are taken into the churchyard to graze with the same sordid It is true that the floek does not seem to profit much by what a “pick up at the Cathedral, and the sheep of the Bishop of London’s personage, we should deem ourselves very little flattered by its beng motive that actuates those who horses in to bait 6r stand at livery. thought necessary to take especial notice of our having done a simple, We must confess that the in St. Paul’s Churchyard resemble act of duty. those skeleton animals that flit t the air in Der Freischiitz to the SS | dismal chorus of “ Uhui !” and if a set of mischievous boys at midnight E vs | were to raise the melancholy ery of “Uhui!” through the palings of PROVERBS IMPROVED, St. Paul’s, the spectral appearance of the sheep in the churchyard, under . : solemn iow of the dome, would almost realise the horrors of the | Twsreap of “as clear as mud,” say, “ as clear as the Thames.” ‘ ipeantation scene as ip sepementon in the Opera. Instead of “as like as chalk is to cheese,” say rather “as like as| "Teuagination would easily conjure up a chorus of charity children, | London milk is to cheese,” with a wild hunt of skeleton curates, and a compound of other horrors, ; Don’t say “as thiek as thieves,” but “lawyers.” » which the sheep, “lazily mumbling the bones of the dead,” furnish In the same way, throw in “two aldermen,” when you wish to say} fo nd of me. oly aspect. e earnestly entreat the Biswor ‘two swallows do not make a summer.” owpON, the Dean or St. Pawr’s, or any canon who may be in Similarly, if you wish “ to provide for a rainy day,” you can allude to cutliority fo put an end at onee to the beggarly contract with the that aquatie period mach more elegantly, by saying “ when Vauxhall butcher, by which a few half-starved sheep are suffered to disfigure Likewise, in liew of saying, ““ When you are at Rome you must do he as they do at. = 6g ‘“ the same thing will J be — by at —— Se putting in Oxford ; viz., “ When you are at 0 o as they do at} Oxford” —which is every inch as good as going to Rome. MALARIA IN WESTMINSTER HALL, Talking of Rome, and the long time it took to build, you can improve) Tyg papers tell us that a few days ago while the Court of Queen’s the same expression by mildly suggesting that “The Houses of Parlia-. Bench was engaged in hearing a ent, so great a stench, ment were not built in a day.’ ‘apparently coming from the drains, arose in the building that We will end with a small bateh of “Improved Proverbs,” as being! “Ma. Jusmox Covmntmor said, out of regard for the health of all ones, the better adapted to the superior intelligence of the present day. | business must be at once adjourned, and the Court was adjourned Let every Punster stick to his Last. | Surely something ought to be done to prevent Westminster Fall | Ill news travels by an Electrie Telegraph. from “ oe 80 much of “the* realty” as to “stink in the | You mustn’t the Morning Herald to suck eggs. | nostrils” of all present. We cannot understand how there can he any One man’s Preserved Meat is another man’s Poison. difficulty about thorough drainage, but if the task is arduous, why not Little sticks kindle a conversation, but great onvs put it out. retain two or three barristers, who from the effect they Produce on the A Pennsylvanian’s word is just as good as his Bond. pockets of their must be considered capable - draining any- Fire and water are good Servants on a railway, but very bad Masters. thing. Ma, Justice iwoue of our best and ablest judges, Never trust to a Government Staff. vil all hin exponignss, st Old Bailey, where he is accustomed to Fulton, ey ty oe by a good turn. ths hich gps ra aa pled nT A Mother-in-law is .rot—far easier to ect into a house arose in 1 r than to get out agaim or | that was in rons had nothing todo with the stch, though we = ‘should be to judge more accurately on this point if we | Tae Counter or St. Perexspurc.—Put AsexpzEeN on horse- back, and he ’Il ride to Old Nicnoras! axp Answer.—When will the Russian fleet come A ot en ABERDEEN goes Out, able airs, and for bringing PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 269 | VBRYRODY has heard of a certain famed im song; but the Staurr of | le and excellent oolaame, 4 keeping warm opens. consecrated ground by their hungry munchings of the graveyard | EP RS,

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_PUNCH, OR TH Bl SUBURBAN .FELICITY. GRATIFYING DOMESTIC (POULTRY) INCIDENT. | ; Buttons. “Ou! Priass ML Be wee, *M!. Heme’s tux Coacnrnc Carina a CLUCKING LIK® BANYTHINK. “ Turasie cauld kai When bi The dilettante . Despite eae! D When ng od brands.the lyi “There's cauld Kail Aber “There’ai Abe When Nor drum, | “'There’s cauld kail in Aberdeen,” barp a Hecoe |!!!” “CAULD KAIL IN ABERDEEN’. . When news of gallant deeds is brought ; Of Oltenttza’s fas biched-etataea green, ' 8 out bold LON DON CHARIVARL. He’vz BIN AND , i ss cauld kail in Aberdee Lyypururst; with Me load had years, e stout heart he stilt hath be truths Citate’s fight so. stoutly fought ; pig ml ; When from ‘Silistria’s leaguered hold, ough Rass ties to Kurope’s eyes The Russian tarns with hang-dog mien, e d with logic clean, And England bids * God speed the bold!” a sneer—Will savé replies— “There’s canld Kail in Aberdeen.” : - rte cauld kail’in- Aberdeén,” bse - egal kail tr Aberileen,” When eer angus England weeps, (At lieg and truths—wt loss and-gain— anguish, short { iat ke “Bite whit. are we—thus meek and mean, GrrrarbD sleeps. k ecommand.of-stich a brain ? feet Agee oya? A hes d—up | and with a shout ee I ween— fo s le cen that Stairs een— eyes with tears are. f Tvhones Saxon thundér ee 8 Tes There's ¢ s anid kail in Aberdeen.” +» Dowa@ with “ and ABERDEEN ! on the thievieh trade of oat rine copper off the roof of the fortret A de — pide the iron a quantity of non of wooden , whic! detected the commander of a fort bone, and bottle dealers of ou Our own marine store de deprodalor’ wo at the price of old brass, and vin their ple ce 3 parcel | p ) ’ fac! d ed; to maké like genuine ammunition. Though at war with Russia, we cannot but | sympathise with the Emrzronr in the gunogence he must feel at having | from his dominions, which may soon get trick worthy only of ithe rag, }him. + It is not difficult to Bomwa may desire to keep as nfueh sulphur as possible about him buy the crown of England | with a view to future contingencies. If he has been accustomed to an hase the British flag with false | atmosphere of sulphur all his life, he may hope to experience Seater weights at the nominal value of old rags, if they could manage to get | the value of the axiem that “use is second nature.” ‘uy x young pies bee eno 4 in @arrying + the greatest soa e has stolen the : experienced. a wee the marine store —~ e to steal the articles in question; but m” to be found at such dirty work, is qussia, amid all her reverses, has yet he has sold for old them look | A Sul-phurious Despot. Tae Krxe or Napues has prohibited the ex too’ bet. to ald . 0 F ange B with which Kine

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NOT A | —_— x Juty 1, 1854.) NICE BUSINESS. {[Puxcu No, 677. mr oe yo Sy inet a Later eA REE per

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Page 289

Wj, & A Morera. Wining Fun, 269 A Sul-phurious Abdulla Jalla to i ‘Cobden, 64 Abolition Mania (The), 194 — Rats, 47 ute Philosopher (The), 137 Acting Member (An), of Rome and 4 ae (The), 37 — Dinner Debates, 11 A Dinner Speech at the Improvement aa 119 ee Ambiguous Tapers, 181 American Census (The), 198 American P; 6 Animated Furniture, 109 Another Small Item in the Bill against Russia, 162 29 Arma Virumque, 108 Apoplexy made Easy, 209 Attorney in the Court of Hymen (An), 148 Antocrat and his Altar (The), 50 Autocrat Carved in Ebony (An), 24 Autocrat’s War Song (The), 210 Bap Invention (A), 38 Baltic and the Euxine (The), 160 Baron Alderson’s Wig, 115 “ Barry, Come up!” 108 Battle Song of Bow Bells, 64 Bayonet and Chisel, 17 Bear in the Boat (The), 114 Bear in Mr. Punch’s Menagerie (The), 123 Bed of “Cold Pisen” (A), 140 , 4 Berth-Right of Incapacity (The), 136 Bishop Janus on Puseyism, 171 x . - - oenen 8 Flock in the City (The), pie af of a See (A), 236 Bit of our Mind (A), 162 Black, Black Sea (The), 60 Bourbons and the Printers (The), 41 seme b Night at the Play, 10 Boys and the Lamps (The), 223 Branch of the Prophetic Plant (A), 79 Bring a Gridiron, 96 British Admiral iLife Pill (The), 59 Bulletin from St. Petersburg, 61 Bullying at Public Schools, 106 Casey's Cabslistics, 57 Canzonet by the Czar, 169 Cannon Ball-room Music 22 Capital Example for the House (A), 199 Cases for the Publie Conscience, 169 270 Chaunt by a Quiet Family (A), 20 | | | Child’s Party in Downing Street, 9 Chronology of Remarkable Eveuts, 2 Cireulation of Punch (The), 101 Clairvoyance of Nicholas, 125 Classical Debaters, 244 Clockwork at the Tower, 42 Coinage of the Brain (The), 158 College Examination Paper, 146 Common Information, 2 Commen Things, 95 “Come, now! Move on!” 260 Conscience Money, 189 Consequences, 207 Conundrum running about Fleet Street (A), 28 Conundrums for the Times, 11 Conversation in a Lodging- House, 51 Cord of Sympathy (The), 63 Cotton Stuff, 48 County Court Rhadamanthus (A), 19 Cracked Head in a Crown (A), 103 Critic to Let (A), 164 Crowned Heads in Nighteaps, 163 Crozier in the Ballroom, 105 “ Cry is still they come! (The)” 13 Curious Chinese Definitions of Woman Curious Chinese Proverbs, 212 Czar ob Russia (De), 230 Czar’s Diabolical Suggestion (The), 214 Czar’s Te Deum (The), 10 De Officiis, 72 Dead Letters (The), 213 Debate on the Emperor's Cup, 198 | Decided Case (A), 76 | Deciphering Cyphers, | Disraeligms, 82 Divinity of Fashion (The), 138 | Do you wish to Insult me? 147 | Domestic Campaign (The), 140 | Domestic Reformer (The), 4, 12, 22, 32, 42, 59, 70, 89, dee. Domestic Returns, 106 Doubts shout Dress, 229 Doves of St. Pe , 75 Drama in the Suburbs (The), 178 Draw the” Razor, 193 Dream of the Russian Gentleman(The), 161 Drink and Dull Sunday, 254 Duet between Punch and the British Government, 177 Ear.y Closing for the Enemy, 80 Echo answers “ Police,” 268 Eeloga Grenovicensis, 173 “ Educated Draymen,” 128 Effects of Cathedrals (The), 82 Elizabeth Jones to Richard Cobden, 64 England's War Vigil, 154 Eoteestons ! in Effigy, 49 | | ] | — Grammar v. English Government, | Hard Swearing in Chancery, 44 without 40 Hay for the East 134 Equity Indeed, 76 Erudition under Bonnets, 187 Examinations for Barristers, 113 Exclusive’s Broken Idol (The), 70 Exile of the Thimble (The), 108 Expedition in Search of Bernal Osborne (The), 126 Expense of a Member's Post (The), 109 Facex Hairs and G 148 Farmer and his ag ), 123 Fashionable Visi Feather in the (A), 144 Female Employment, 149 Few Words to the British Lion (A), 82 Fiddlededum and Fiddlededee, 149 Visit of Mr. Punch to Gentleman (The), 129 Finest Balsams of Arabia ( a) 40 First Dog of (The), Flash in the Hebrew ey t A) los Flunky Government (4), 260 Fool! Fool!! Pool!!! 52 For the Ladies, 152 Forbidden Fruit, 72 Forget and Forgive, 84 Form of Bequest (A), 172 Freedom of the Free Hospital (The), 37 French Aggression (A), 177 — Real Seene with the Czar (The), Fan in a Fossil, 24 Gaiayt Blast from the Golden Lorn, 53 he), 6 peg =! Leave Behind them (The), 36 Give the Czar a Bad Name, 184 ‘ostage Damper (The), 244 Gratnitous Exhibition of The Royal Acer | demy (The), 151 Great Fall of Christmas Bills, 27 Great Meeting of the Irish Bar, 141 Guards’ Lament (The), 72 Guy Fawkesoff's Gunpowder Plot, 154 Hacr-anud-half Justice, 224 Hard as a Board, 209 Hard Lines for Lovers, 24 H. Baillie, 59 Heaven Confound the Emperor, 39 ~~ 2 sat tre reproves Paris (Cam tw Hint tnd Mins to Mr. Mitchel | (A), = Bones of voto (Phe), 38 Horrors of Mr. Chambers's Inquisition } (The), 145 Horrors on Horrors’ Head, 190, Hospital for Bad Jokes, 232 How Mr. Paterfamilias made Home Happy, 4, 12, 22, 32, &. 58, 70, 8 bring the War to a Terminus, 242 Tlow to endure pr 97 How to make Hymn to St. ticholon 178 I Love the Lord Mayor, 221 Imperial Criminal Discipline, 8 Important from the Seat of War, 259, 267 Income Tax made easy (The), 16 Inconsistencies! 69 Indispositions made very easy, 147 Industry and Idleness in the Navy, 74 Ins and Outs of Palmerston (The), 2 Instructions to Nautical Men in the Nobl: Art of Quadriile Dancing, 177 Invasion of Hampstead Heath, 158 Irish Grievance (‘ommittee, 145 Is itfar to Jerusalem? 103 It’s all owing to the War, 124 Kisp Word tor the Czar (A), 140 King Charles's Ke-toration, 263 Kingdom of Beggars (The), 197 Jacn’s (always) Alive, 73 Jenkins at a Fashionable Wedding, 244 Jenkins at the French Ambassador's Ball, 211 Johnnie brewed a Peck o' Maut, 220 | Joke for Exeter Hall (A), 201 Judges sent to Coventry (The), 158 Judicial Butier, 269 | Judicial Jesting, 29 La Cosaquaise, 200 Ladies in Rich Attire, 236 Land of Greece (The), 208 | Last Stage of Folly (The), 48 Law of Compensation (The), 150 Law without Lawyers, # Lawyers on the Move (The), %3 “ Le Malade Imaginaire,” 196 Leading Article by Mr. Punch (A), 137 Letter from Anna Maria to Jane Heary, 2390 Letter from the Seat of War, 191 | List of Prices for Puffs in Pantomimes, 20 | Literal Translation of an 1.0. U., 124 | Liverpool Clergy in Danger (The), 161 Locksmiths at Loggerhvads, 96 Re eee 2 —— om

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SS

| One of the Horrors of War, 169 ° | Opening of the Crystal | Oracles (The), 268 | Our Past Young Lady at the Opening of

Senten 1 in antes M “4 Londonderry and Li Murray, 23 iad Chanestlor s g Army (The), Lond in a Bad Way ), 170 of the Llouse of Commons ), 167 ‘arole de “ Gentleman,” 1 Moustache Movement (The 17 Moustashes ia the Bank, Mr. Brotherton’s little Evening Iivmmn, 191 Mr. Grieve's new Sys'ent of Warfare, 2.3 Mrs, Jane Gimlet on the Festivities of the New Lease for Livery (A), 61 New Reform Bill for Omnibases, 106 New Year's Eve in Guildhall, 1 Newspaper at Breakfast (The), ‘as Next Mornfiig Headaches, 18 Nicholas’s Great Sham, 3i Nitrous Nieholas, 41 No Trouser Nuisance (The) 530 Not so Mad as he Seema, 159 Novels for the Nursery, 51 (rasuor for the Peace Society (An), 134 Obsequies made Easy, 212 Officer and (usp Geshenes (An), # Official Dea! Sewer 8), 28 Oh! Pantaloons of Cherry, 182 Old Hall of Westminster (The), 29 One of the Knaves of the Church, 95 Orthodoxometer (The), 21 Our Critic arnong the Painters, 192, 267, 222, 229, 247 Our Electric Selves, 106 Parliament, 52 Our Patriotic Poets, 110 Our Seore against Sune te 172 Our Waste-Paper Bask Our Prizes taken from the French, 234

Patwenstos on Pens, 256 Palmerstmian System of Penmanship — a for dome of the 110 and the Press, 1 an Original (A), 18 this Up in your Mind, 137 . - anal 5 127

Hi if f i f He : a fet it : ces? pe (A), 62 . 106 Southampton ( {The}, 170 Lory oy Postman of Europe (The), 172 Stone at St. Petersburg, ~ iif iy f i A af ‘ Prussian Court Circular (A), 161 Puff Patriotic (The), 198 Puff Sublime and Ridiculous (The), 173 Aaa and ~+ ¥~ a ees Painters, 192, 207, 222, rime, 98 poashat the Play, 14), 225 Puneh before ~~ 147 Puneh Shell (The), 233 Puneh’s School of Practical Des‘ gn, 3 Puseyism rey | he F tine, 197 — + pny 48 ay Meeting ( The), 204 ioe S-> Interpolated (The). 54 fr

Question of Economy (A), 69 Questions for the Reverend N. 8. Godfrey, 3 | Quod aonne deseribere longum est, 150 Maicway Addresses on Smo'ing, 39 Railway Cruelty to Animals, 133 Railway Kaillery, bynes OF gt 79 Ratioval Jew Bill (A), 86 Raw Material of Barristers (The), 116 Reason and the Razor, 40 Rexsons against shes 113 Reasons for being Presenied at Court, 92 241 pan boy vay 4 (The), 73 1 E H z £ pe useta, 4 Bright” Side ( The} 152 of Advertising (The), 31 of Rome (A), 150 69 Round of Poli Stories (A), 19 Row at the Rotunda, 213 Row in the Buildings, (A), 241 Rade and Crude Observations 245 Rugby Vindicated, 123 Rp een Vai sage (The),

Ruston Cooking, ne - ‘oems, 194 Sascristzp “ Sell” (A), 38 Saturday Early Closing Movement, 268 Sermons in Stones, Service in Australia, 40 — Alive and Kicking (The), 152 Bellows (The), 116 Ladies, 181 Shaving Line ag (The), 33 Shaviog for She- Sheffield to the Sultan, 9 Shilliag that Sydney ‘iia not Bleed (The), pone ay ey «Ahh 193 Slave of the Smasher (The), 40 Small Tract on Temperance (A), 10 Soldier's Dream (The), 130 Some Fool's cap for the Guards, 204 Some new Questions to an Old Tune, 150 for Palmerston, 79 Something—at —— « Name, 17 Some Puzzles Song and Suppe 4 157 song of the British Admiral (The), 141 songs for the Poultry-yard, 40 by “ Our Colonels,” | Sort of Gentleman (A), 136 | |

| Speech from the Throne (The), 34 Spirits Wanted for the Navy, 263 255 St. Barnabas Fund Dinner, 259 Stanzas for the ay mama” pe) Stars and G Startling Facts by Tetegrh, 17 tke 4t Statesman! Ignorance, of de, 62 Gr

Steady, Cabman, Steady, 224 Strike the Flighty Czar, 54 Sticking up for Temperance, 53 Subjects for the Law [ > ee 136 Sureide of the Sew: ers, Sun and his Imitators (The), 220 Saspended Civil Animation, 160 Swim in a Sump (A), 243 Tatvourp, 119 Tap on the Danube (The), Tax on Bachelors (A), 98 Taxes.on Knowledge, 117 Teetotal Tenderness, Teetotal Truth, 246 Teetotaliam at the Crystal Palace, 236 Temperance out of Tem: Tender from Norway (A Theatrical Religion, 2)1

113 r, 199

ema in =o Water, 219 Known, 13 Thostee of War The), 83 Spaensine (2), 8 | Tescatened —e_ Invasion, 63 _ Thought at an Toasts and Sentiments for Russia-Taxed Beer, 259 Torture of a Nun, 162 —— Sacrifices at St. Petersburg, | Turning into Night, 14 5 u ——- 169 ~~ Uvouateren ort y c_ Jack and The), 124 Urals ate’ Weir An, > t, a (The), 138 Unseasonable Discussion, } | Up and Down Train of Thought (An), | 104 “ Up Guards, and at em!” 76 Urquhart’s Mare’s Nest, 192 VaLous under Difficulties, 183 Value of a Gentleman (The), 96 Value of Character (The), Value of Freedom (The), i< ery Very ory Were (The), 84 fj Viper Mitehel, 164 71 of Odessa (The), 254 wated Assault (A), 120 Vision of the Crystal Palace (A), 253 Voices of Boxing Night, 7 Wa.aine Gen Which won beg <== fi =F He

ys, (A), 130 Arms (The), 149 47 Young 126 ery 1 Ww a Russian Gentleman may do, but what an English Gentleman would be Ashamed to do, 191 What is the Seat of War? 190 What Nicholas heard in the Shell, 236 be taken Medicinally, 23 gone? 233 Se Unwholesome |

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