Punch 1852: Vol 22

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LONDON: PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET. AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. 1852.

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— pennies x * sien - . 2 oe BE se eee arnamet Sgrerrrenegpnar ce eam gee eT RRR Re EIN erm =e OE eee

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feleleleletslelele of ue hav Ley | OD N H ; eA. #5 ‘hi MS . _ Ce ce! SINCE the days of the illustrious ANprew Manve.t, Mr. Ponca is the first paid M.P.—that is, Member for Puncu—who, being paid, has sedulously given all his heart and all his soul to the interests of his many thousands of Constituents. To be sure, the salary of Mr. Puncnu as M.P. is but small—an incon- siderable threepence per head per week ;—but it is the principle enshrined in that unassuming threepence | that makes the wages a glory and an honour. Not the money, but the sentiment of the money; not the | flower, but the odour that is the soul of the flower. | At this time, when some thousand English gentlemen—we will say a thousand—are standing before their country ; indeed, not so much standing as kneeling before it, with their right hands on their waistcoats, and their left upraised, protesting that they have no such earthly hope as the hope that shall carry them to the House of Winds, in Westminster; at such a time, with such a rivalry without, Mr. Punca does feel even more than his usual complacency in his back parlour, knowing that without raising himself the eighth of an inch from his easy chair, that without even purchasing an inch of ribbon, blue or yellow (the blue | to show his love of Truth, the truth of the Hustings having, time out of mind, been beaten blue; the yellow, to show his contempt of the gold of the Minister), Mr. Puncu will be returned as M.P. for the whole empire; elected as the supplementary Six Hundred and Fifty-Ninth Member and Moderator of the old, acknowledged, constitutional 658. And this, without any effort on his part; with no treating, no music ; | with not so much as the froth of one bottle of ginger-beer ; without one note from a hireling trumpet. Now this was the belief simmering m the heart of Puncw: such was the philosophical calmness in which—as in his easy morning-gown—he was clothed from shoulders to heel, when it was announced to him by his Boy, who has seen so much of what are called the first people of the day, that from a lively child, the poor fellow has become absolutely dull—that a Deputation of the Empire was down stairs (at least the | head of the Deputation; for it was long as the Sea-Snake, and with merely its head in No. 85, Fleet

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a iv PREFACE. Street: its tail, in which were joints from India and all the Colonies, was curling round Charing-Cross)—and pressed in the urgent manner, usual with Deputations, for an interview. “There’s no help for it,’ thought Puncu; ahd 86, calling into his face that éyfiipathetic, benevolent, protective look that he once saw illumine the features of Dersy when, as the Fatme?’s Friend, he assured the men of Chawbeans-cum-Bacon, that they should have justice, and that wheat stbtild be anything they liked a quarter—with this hopeful and paternal smile upon his featurés; Mx. Punci fécewéd thé Head of the Deputation. “ Gentlemen,” said Pé#ti Pe8lved to be short, “of course I shall continue to represent yotl. Go home, be happy, and maké ydtirselves easy on that point. I shall not speak of my principle’; The +P) One-and-Twenty Volumes of my life , (“ Two-and-Twenty,” said out boy, in correction.) “That is, thé Two-and-Twenty—for on this day appears the Twenty-Seeond ” (the Head of the Deptitation seemed duly imptes#é4 with the fact)—“lie open before you. The Works of my Life! Tarn ovet the leaves, gentlemen: lay your finger if yon can upon any Violation of any principle. There, gentlemen, in black and white; are the eleven important years of my existence; years dedicated to your service—and, through you, to the service, and solace, and satisfaction of the world. “Gentlemen, I fim the Paid Member for all England. The only Paid Member. Every tan has his price. The price 6f Puncn is Tliteepence—Fourpetice stamped. “TI do not know, gentlemen, that I can add anything to this agreeable fact. Of course, I wish every year to be worthier of your confidence—your admiration: but I do not see how it is to be done. The possibility of the thing, as Mr. Disraeci says of Protection, seems to loom in the future; but further than the possibility, anything more than seeming—with Mr. Disrarti—I cannot even venture to predict. “ You will, therefore, gentlemen, receive the assurance of my distinguished consideration; and with it, the conviction that during the next Parliament—and all Parliaments to be continued—Mr. Puncu will be at his post.” Next morning, I read in the Times that “the Deputation took their leave of the Hon. Getitleman, } highly satisfied with his condescension, and with the very flattering result of their intetview.”

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PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR i852. i hia ‘ JANUARY XXXI DAYS. | JACK FROST Besipe the year's dark portal Jack Fuost hath the porter’s chair, And closely he scans cach mortal Who seeketh entrance there, W ell-fed, well-clac, to dinner In wealth unguestion’d goes ; But your poor and shiveriug simner He taketh by the nose | With a grasp, se ofa giant, | He will nip you an army dead ; | With a hand as a lady's pliant, | He will weave you a tiny thread. Oh, bitter 's the curse he mutters, As through the streets he roams, j And, through chinks of close-barred shutt: rs, | | Hears mirth in fire-lit homes Then, from such doorways turning, | | Heseeks the poor man’s hearth, | Whereon no fire is burning | And chills his winter mirth. But hard though the old boy's heart is, He hath a social soul And he gives bis winter parties Por a dunce about the Pole. THE TRUE LEGEND OF SAINT VALENTINE Sr. Vatawtine was a Lady.— Maee., Valentin —Fem., Valentine. Vide the’ Huguenots Im the cold court of Saint Lovts the coldest | maid, | ween Was the noblest and the loveliest, the Lavy VaLEn Tine In vain love breathed about her, from hearts, and lips, and eyes , | She was blind to lovers’ gazings, and deaf te lovers’ sighs. | The quantity of billets doux she got, quite i drove her wild; | | Her toilet every morning with the horrid | things was piled | They were on her plate at dinner; they waylaid her on the stairs | She found them in her mass-book when she knelt to say her prayers. There were twenty Kauights adventurers, that ever rode in arms, To maintain against ail comers this cruel lady's charms ; | And searce a day but one of them was | brought bome on a bier , But, the cruel Laor Vatewrine, she never shed a tear. Witt Ky /; FEBRUARY XXIX DAYS. Thus loved, but all unioving, Masrzn Crrip she defied, She fancied it was piety, but it was only pride,) Till tired of court and courtiers, she sought cloister "s pale, And calmly had her hair cut of., and calmly wok the veil. ‘ And now,” she thought, ‘I've found the life that fits a maiden pure,” | And che tried hard to look humble, but she only looked demure , She was sure of all the sisters to be earliest at Matins, And wore her sackcloth with more pride than e’er she wore her satins. But still, somehow or other, she never went to | But the thoaght of those ead billets dows would come into her head , | She missed them on her table, and un wittingly she sighed, When, on opening her mass-book she ne'er found one inside. | She put om hair shirts, coarse than were ever wore before , Much as she 'd always flogged herself, she herself sill more , Pasting and penance she essayed, but it was all in vain ; Love would keep burning in her heart, and | boiling in her brain. The Convent and the Country round were filled with admiration Of her tastings, and her floggings, and her seif- mortification , They chose her for their Abbess, ere a year and a day: But the struggle was too much for her—she slowly pined away. One night unto her paliet side she called the nuns, and said, | “No doubt they ‘ll make a saint of me, as|/ soon as I am dead i Remember, sisters, if they do, the patron| saint I'll be Of lovers and of ladies—who shall warning | take by me.” } At this, the holy sisters looked perfectly aghast, Of all things in her sainted head they fancied love the last, But sadly smiled Saint Vacewrine—and so she died, For well she knew how sore they rue who | battle love with pride.

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. PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1852. HOUSEMAIDS REFUSING SERVICE IN BELGRAVIA, “ Now, DEAR, I WISH YOU WOULD BE QUICK, AND LIOH HELP ME TO MAKE THE BEDS, Lady Emily. THE FIRE AND REMARKARLE DAYS. Finest of January, 1901.—Union of England and Ireland, which have been disun sines New Year's Day in China is remarkable for the Feast of Lanthorns, when it is lucky to walk home from the temple with a cand'e still burning, the great point of to avoid a blow-ont TI 14th of February, last year, was remarkable for being Valentine's Day: and the first reading of the Ecclesiastical Titles [11!,—supposed to be the result sympathy between Valentine's Day and a dead letter. Law Teams ayo Rervaws.—There will be a great reduction in Law Terms quence of the establishment of the County Courts, the very exorbitant, will be comparatively moderate. for in conse- law terms, which were formerly { mone “ DEFINITIONS.” Hvuseanp.—A godfather for female grown children, who gives them «a name, and un- - : a dertakes to look alter their . conduct. Liserty.—An angel till we gain her, and a woman alter- wards. MORAL TO GIVERS or TWELFTU-CAKES. | Buy and cut your cake ac- cording © your company: that is, enough for everybody, and something left for to- morrow. | BOW TO BEOIN THE NEW YEAR, Open the door with the sil- ver key of Hope, that it may close on the golden hinge of Prosperity. AN EASY BERTH. Medical Assistants com- plain that they are over- worked and underpaid; and yet their employers generally dispense Wita their labuur. A SPECULATOR's APoLoey. -You can’t make the pot boil without bubbles. Tas Puxsert or Ast cnpza Dirvicuctias. — Meeting ao ua in the Uctagon Koom at the Academy | Tus Best Cunistuas- Box. A box af the Adelphi, w see W wou in anything. How ro Cuooss Rors.—lIf you want a good serviceable rope, the strongest you cau Select is & rope of Unions. | Tas Exusiem or Foot- HARDINESS, — Sheep's lead and pluck. THE BARRACKS BEING | REMOVED FROM KNIGHTSBRIDGE) YOUNG LADIES DO THE HOUSEWORK. ed ever THE PIKE IS A VORACIOUS FISH, AND BITES VERY READILY IN THE WINTER MONTHS.” OLD GENTLEMAN 18 PBRY yonpD oF Fisuine !! the feast being | he was wanted } the fire same locality as the person hailing it. , amateur theatricals. A THE SEVEN WONDERS OF LONDON. 1. A erreet that is not under repair. 6 2. A glass of pure milk 3. A policeman who was found as soon as 4. A fire-escape that ever came in time for 5. An omnibus that wasn't going to the } Cavtiow to Lawyers’ CLerka admitted. ANU AAS TET ~~ ee Omnibusa- Driver. “I aga vou a THOUSAND PaRDoNs, I aM sURE.” Cabman. “Ou, PRAY, DON’? MENTION I. It's OF NO CONSEQUENCE, BELIEVE MBE! ON AND AFTER THE FIRST OF JANUARY THERE WILL BE A GREAT IMPROVEMENT IN THE MANNERS OF CAB AND OMNIBUS-DRIVERS. } . A statue that | Metropolis. 7. A church where you can get « seat in | @ pew without paying a shilling for it. To which historians have justly added an eighth wonder—perhaps more wonderful than all the other wonders put together, and that is— 8. Tar Puycn-Orrice!!! | is an ornament to the Don't go on the stage, or have anything to do with eys are liable to a penalty of £100 for acting without having been THINGS TO BE REMEMBERED. A noxprep of coals is eighty pounds. A woman of thirty is two- and-twenty. An eightpenny cab-fare is one-and-sixpence. A butt of Sherry is often a barrel of Marsala. SELF-POSSESSION AND PRE- SENCE OF MIND. A thief, surprised in the act of rovbing a bank, is asked what he is about; and answers, “Ouly taking notes |” CHAUSSURE FOR MAN AND HORSE. A Yankee in the Southern States says, that the proper shoemaker for a Nigger is a blacksmith. VERY CURIOUS MEM. In all the Exhibition Year —in spite of all the French- men there have been over— in spite of our Eng'ish no- tions about the French—in spite of our boasted hospi- tality—there has not been announced a single “ Shower of Frogs!” And this ws HOSPITALITY ! IMPORTANT TO PUNSTERS. He who makes real jokes is called a Wag; but he who makes only heavy atiempi at joking may be termed a Wagva. MUSICAL PACT. People are apt to complain of the vile tunes that are played about the streets by grinding organs, and yet they may ali be said to be the music of Hano.e.

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» the at in dan than t is— with been RED. 5 is two- re is ten a in ill } uM MARCH XXXI DAYS. MARCH HAIR—NOT HARE By express Permission of the Lunacy Commi ssvoners. ) Owen declares we are wrong in believing Hares are more frantic in March than jn | English orthography is so deceiving, It should be “hair,” and not “* hare,” so they say For Maren wind, where it drives, young | ladies hair it drives Wildly about, beyond hat or cap border. Who cen hold tresses down while holding dresses down ? Both at a time can’t be kept in good order Welcome, oh March! is each blast of your bellows So you ‘ll but blow where my love I may see ; Making me happiest of all happy fellows, By a elimpse of her tresses dishevelled and free With ber mad hair of March, round her face | fair and arch, Framing her cheeks inits golden disorder ; ‘Tis a shrewd guess of mine, soon should a tress be mine, If of her bonnet it blew past the border. A COLLECTION OF ENGLISH SEATS. The Seat of Pleasure—Between the carver of a haunch of venison, and the young lady you love. The Seat of Pain— Between two babies, and opposite a creditor, in a crowded omnibus. The Seat of Volly—The Chair at a Bloomer Meeting. The Seat of Conscience —A Sick Pillow, | The Seat of Reason—Mxn. Puncu's arm- chair ! Ant-Fupex.—There is some talk of the Corporation of London having the walls of Guildhall hung with Gobbling Tapestry. “Home's Tracepy.”—Taking a friend home with you when there's nothing but cold meat for dinner! YANKerisu.—I know a maiden old Lady down in Virginia, who objects to the study of gardening, because she says | it is a naughty culture (an horticulture)! PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR i852. APRIL XXX DAYS. POOR APRIL FOOL. | Twas a most unhappy bo » 7 And regularly flogged at school: | To college then I looked for joy— Poor April Fool! Por all that I picked up at college Was rowing, riding, playing Pool ; And of :he world I called (his knowledge— Poor April Fool! In three years’ time I got a pluck, And loads of debt, as is the rule ; Great friends, I thought, would mend my k— Poor April Pool ! | By swells, whom I had served as butt, As pigeon oft, and oft os twol, I never thought | should be cur— Poor April Fool! My great ex-friends of Trinity, In town passed by me, caim and cool ; I thought ‘twas that they didn’t see— Poor April Fool! I'd eut my equals for the nobs, So fell 'twixt high and lower stool ; I thought 'twes they, not I, were snobs— Poor April Pool ! A REMARKABLE DAY. The 14th of April will always be re- markable as the day when the Commons repealed the Window Tax; though the House did not take this pleasing duty upon itself without putting a less pleas- | ing duty upon all other houses, DIRECTIONS FOR MAKING WILLS. We had intended giving our readers a few directions for making their wills ; but we have abandoned the idea be- cause the wills of the married ladies would not be legal, and it is no use giving directions for the use of the hus- bands, who seldom have a will of their own. | A Summa Caanacter.— My cha- racter,” said an Alderman who had cleared bimself from a charge of jobbery, “my character, Sir, is like my boote— all the brighter for blacking.” Pork uxper Prorecrion.—The Hog in Armour. oe mem

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eet. 16 ieee so nt tte ATOR it A AOA nse } : cheb ee Weenies oe Ans Op GENTLEMAN, ANXIOUS THAT How To Por PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR >) tian Boors.—Take Boots from the “ Black ve him a liberal education, and the society of ladies Baisrcess ow THe PRroressiow OF THE rofession, for with him it is anything but a Practice! LEGAL REASONS LADres are not allowed to practise at the Bar; and the eason is, because, from their roverbial love of talking, it was deemed utterly impossible r any Lady to keep her terms. At the same time the rea son why lJarristers wear gowns, is because it was thought that a gown was the best thing to enable a Barria- ter toaequirea habit of talking AND MUSIC If Music were the food of aid to be, every son would marry Love, asit prudent pe f ve, thongh it is not easy to imagine ourselves eating with r ears nor can one, without some difficulty, fancy ne's self breakfasting off an verture, lunching on a ballad, dining on a symphony, and taking tea, or supping off a polka or a fugue Most of us would also think it very odd if we were asked whether we should like a few crotchets for linner CHILD'S S80LVING wa. That rubbing his cheeks with the cat's tail will pro- mote the growth of whiskers. That pigeon’s milk is a marketable commodity hat strap-oil is good for sharpening penknives. That School is the happiest time of his life ADUNTERATION OF TEA As an excuse for “facing” tea with black lead, it will, perhaps, be urged, that the process of black-hleading com municates a grate-ful flavour APRIL.—THE ARTIST GIVES THE FINISHING TOUCH TO HIS PICTURE. ilj Law.—Briefless says nis Wirr THINGS) Swan untied . Wille” 1852. SS Bess S| possess somz TRIFLE From THe Great Exnterrion or 1851, Porcnuases (AMONGST OTHER ELEPHANT, AND THE Mope. or tue Dopo. Tue Tionrest Kyor ty tHe Worto.—The Matrimonial Knot, once tied, never can be and the worst is that, like the Gordian Knot, you cannot even cut it. or War.—The charge of the British troops is objected to by the financial economists in peace, and in war by the enemy. ' AT ‘ i] =, S 33 = cose = —— ——— mr | si Hx nas Been so Busy THAT HE HAS NOT EVEN BREEN ABLE To Get nis Hare cur. tt 1) | nt ei =v i } || , i) FAST DAYS. Tue following are the priu- cipal Fast Days during the usual current year :— Days of Calls to the Bar, when young gentlemen are invested with the barrister’s wig and gown. Daysof Passing the College of Surgeons and the Apothe- caries’ Hall, by medical as- pirants. Days when Legacies of Maiden Aunts drop in. Birth-days, and (oecasion- ally) Anniversaries of Mar- riage. Fast Days begin at any hour after breaktast, and ter- minate “next morning.” MORE “ DEFINITIONS.” Servayt.—One who sells his will to swell the will of another. Amenica.—A_ spirited lad who beat his big brother for bullying him, but who will join him as partuer in busi- ness when they both become men. THE NATURE OF GREEK FIRE. What the celebrated Greek Fire. was is not exactly known ; but it seems to have I bled Irish pud inasmuch as it could never be put out. Strange, however. that the extreme of heat should be comparable to the height of coolness. ADVANTAGES OF JOLLITY. What's the odds so long 28 you're happy ?—Ten to one in your favour. 5S ~~ | ele SS ——=—as’i so

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an be uncial prin- g the » Bar, mh are ister’s ollege vothe- al as- es of asion- Mar- ; any id ter- “¥ sells vill of d lad er for » will busi- pcome || For to-morrow is my birthday, of all days in || Por e’en Jack-1~-rue-Gurew ‘ehad his day, MAY XXXI DAYS. LONDON MAY-DAY TALKS OF HER PAST AND HER PRESENT. Iy you're waking, call me early—call me early, Arnit dear; the year: But my birthday 's not what it used to be, in the times that are passed awey ; I fear; yes, Jack-in-Tue Ganew ’s had y. In the old times, how proud I lay, with the young Spring in my arms, And heard, under my windows, the minstrels | sing my charms! How the fresh maids rose in my honour, and | merrily sped away |, To the bright green hecge-rows, for garlands bedropped with the dew of May. The breath of those fresh-cull'd Mey-bude | came up to my chamber sweet ; And the green boughs clothed like a bower the quaint and narvow street But country, now, has gone out of town such a dreadfully long wey, Whe knows how many miles one must go to find a sprig of May? No more gay gellents and dameels now !— my waking is dreary and dumb, But for squeak of the fiddle and Pan's pipes and the rub-a-dub of the drum; And, for bevies of pretty maidens, there's My Lavy capering away, With Jacx-i~ rwe-Garew’s cut paper instead of the fresh-pull’d May. | Oh, I'm sick of bricks and mortar; I loathe | the streets and shops ; I pine for the sme! of the spring-tide,—for | the breeze of the mountain-tops. | I sigh for a yard of bright. blue sky, with no chimney-pot in the way ; For if I stey here, I really think I shall quite forget that I'm May. Pact ror Socta.ists.—If we were all living in a state of union, the world would be one vast workhouse. | A Ramuway Catr.—*“Now, Gents, | |, get your tickets ready, please.’ Love axp Wan—“A rash engage- | ment leads to a ruinous action,” was the | moral of a gallant Captain who was | sued for breach of promise. | : JUNE XXX DAYS, WHITSUNTIDE WONDERS OF THE LONDON SEABON. Peasant is a Whiteun gambol, When the heat of mid-day passes, Wound up by a jolly scramble With a troop of country lasses. Pleasant, too, a merry-making On the genuine Whitsun scale ; (Though your clod: are fond of taking More than does them good of ale). Bout if one thing 's more for pain meant, Than all other things beside, Sure it is the entertainment London gives to Whitsuntide. With the steaming , screaming. thrusting — By that horrid Greenwich line, (Of all rails the most disgusting) To be hurried off to dine ! "Neath your window, if ‘tie flood, Stinking Thames with sewege flows ; If "tis ebb. twelve feet of mud Offer tribute to your nose And the fish is never hot, there, And the wine is never cool ; And the waiters they have got there Live on onions, asa rule. And you eat far too much whitebait, And you drink far too much punch ; At the station you ‘ve a night wait, Or, at least, a horrid “‘ serunch.”’ Such your Whiteun Greenwich, nobs, Kut, if such your pleasures there, What are they to yours, oh snobs! Who believe in Greenwich Fair? In the Crown and Anchor sweltering, With dense drabs in drunken rows; Through the sea of mob a-weltering Past a line of dreary shows Greenwich faire and Greenwich dinners, And in Jone t—twixt me and you, Londoners are awful sinners, If they 've earn'd what they go through. tent may be recovered as long as the tenancy is current, unless the tenant is also current; for, though the tenancy may run on, the tenant may run off, and the landlord's claim is defeated. Tue Foros or Hanir.—A retired po- liceman amuses himself by collaring eels. Deviniep ‘Kioweys.—Potatoes af- flicted with the disease.

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PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1852. LOPHERTI When you see a big . . _ —— —— rrril woman put ber hands ¢ ill | if i} Mi eet Ney | 1) spon her hips, and, is | i} } ti ii} Hy u OE); Were on the Rail, looking very black, , CURD wt J ; 4 ny And Mail pulled » timate t peru, | | M4. | {} oT: intimete to © person | Wi eat phithadas|y Peay Goods, sls; h at al s going t ss i] } bith Mil 4 y , 5. 8! p-das le give him “ a bit of her - can) am 1 ifs Ran in — Crash ’ chances { \) ) Smash !! are ‘ ll not only Y And Express Tel give ith but like ! rattling after. wise Or ae pea MAXIM FOR MARRIED MEM The certain conse- quence of having *« Monthly Nurse is neumption in the Mocn disappoint ment expressed at the brevet—which is on as « joke at the expense of the MM arm on the prin A\ Vs ciple, perhaps, that ‘ ol bre vet -* is ‘the soul ™ / ‘ [ ~ Wart is it thata Woman frequently = is fn 1 ag ves ber countenance and yet never takes kindly?—The Small Pox , . CORRESPONDENCE OF 18652 wirn OTHER bnas The Juciiew period will correspond with the month of No vember. The Jewish eriod may be looked | r about the time of THE OLD LAW COURTS the Bal Masqué. ,¥ = am wis | 4 REMARKABLE DAYS May the First is still the holiday of the sweeps; although we know of no sweeps in these days but the Derby Sweeps, which belong to a very dirty business. June has no remarkable day, but the 28th, which may be called the crowning one of the year; for it is the anniversary of the Coronation of Victrorta. Srocer Scnooiisa.— Whatever may be the more advaneed grammatical attainments of our Railway-engine men, it seems clear, at any rate, that they must be thoroughly wel! ‘up” in Accidence ; Vixot-un.—A game that some ladies will not give up, even when they are thirty Te N) To the Farinaceoul ® Department, he Frise of Sh. “s Th ‘ Baa iat Name Bk Zale KU BAr i - | GRAND SHOW OF PRIZE VEGETARIANS. pe A BHYME FOR THE BAIL. - tI] Goons and Mail 1 FACT IN ANIMAL MAGNETISM. An Alderman, being mesmerised, w found to be clair | voyant on placing 4 pair of spectacles oq the pit of his stomact Ir a foreigner we: told that many a pew curate struggled a starved upon £40 year for doing thi work of a Rector wh frequently had £400 what would he say the English Church —“ Shameful In enracy!” (Jnaccuracy Deriving witTHov A License.— There i no legal penalty fi driving PRGASt without a license; ne do we know where poetical license be taken out. “Tue Gay a¥ Festive Cincie.” The Circle at Astley HAVE NOTHING TO DO: —with Wippvicoms i | the centre of it. A CRY oF “stop.” It is high time, sensible persons began to ery out, that the abuses of the City Corporati and its enormous revenues should be put a stop to. The Corporation listened, and, wishin to respond to the ery, did pnt a stop, for the moment, to its enormous revenues. But, the the stop was far from being a full stop —for it only put another Coai-on. Cuemistry ov Tae Krronew —Dripping, according to Chemistry, is a fixed animal oil and yet most Housekeepers complain that it quickly evaporates. Wuo is it who is always expecting quarter, and yet never gives any ?—The T gatherer. | FIED ON CARROTS | | HiNMINI\) fed upon j Rewaawas.e Beet Root | | Vegetaran litte|' | CLASS lV | i} BOY ‘ails: fed upon Amn TURNIPS rowncoo.N | Qn | oS EDAL ‘ | - =

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» ge a iy yf PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1852. “re re, wr ae , JULY XXXI DAYS. A BARK FROM THE DOG-STAR. I nemexorn, I remember, how in the day* gone by I used to make an Ember Week of each week in July How I would scorch the pavements, you'd think you walk’d on flame— In the good old times street watering was nothing but a name. I had the run of houses then: alack, and | well-a-day ! "Tis but too true a proverb, that each dog has his day For now, what with your light and air, my fun 's brought to a stop— In the good old times, the windows didn't opea from the top. ull And then the jolly fevers ! not a drain But at my ligh'est bark, out march'd King Typhus with his train Now, with their pipes and water, the poor soul 's waxing thin— In the good old times, the sewers always kept the sewage is. Why, there was And there's your meddling Suarrzssunrs and Cuapwicks, and that sort, Must thrust their meddling noses into every lane and court, And build their model lodgings, houses to out face— In the good old times the Rookery was some thing like a place poor old My claws are cut, my teeth are érawn—! might as well be dead There ‘li soon not be « kennel for the poor old Dog-star’s head A plan for watering London, too, next ses sion 's to make known— In the good old times, the safe old rule was, to let well alone. Puzzie ror PurLoLocisers.—If you wanted to see a mountain of flesh, should you go to the Court of Aldermen, or to Mutton Hill? Morey Sewsinmiry.— Mr. Bri. VILLE, the actor, is so nervous, that he cannot bear « tea-urn in his room, on account of its hissing. Wuew does the Red Deer change co- lour ?— When it turns to Bay. AUGUST XXXI DAYS. SONG OF THE MAC-MOOR. To be sung to any of Moor's Scotch Melodies.) | Hart to the Chief to whom paid inadvance is The rent of the moor I am proud to call mine ; Hail to the kilt, though whieh, at the first giance, is The to» or tne bottom I can't quite divine ; Here 's t) the mountain-dew From the smail still so new— That 's why it gives one such headaches, you know) Here 's to the bothy wild, With the fresh heather piled— Roderick Vich Alpine Dhu—ho—ierce ! Gushing and grand is the free Highand feel iny, (one flies — With which from the session and season By the way, though—'ware Kheumatism, out in your shicling, (dries ; For it genereily rains, and the floor never And as one sits on stones, Or on one’s marrow bones— None of your womanish chairs there— oh no!) One must get aches and cramps, Even from Highland damps— Roderick Vich Alpine Dnu—ho—teroe ! Cockney, you call me; but, still, I’vea no- tion I'm sather the thing in my kilt of grey plaid, And I've felt on the mountains the grandest emotion, Though the flies bite one’s legs, fit to drive aman mad; Then a deer-stalk for miles! Up hill you watk for miles, Miles through the bogs on your belly you go ; Then you bring down the game (If you don’t miss your aim)— Roderick Vich Alpine Dnu—ho—ieroe ! Tux storms of adversity are whole- some ; though, like snow-storms, their drift is not always seen. Aw lows Farovs—A light for a fool's cigar. ScawpaL.—If Scandal didn’t already exist in the world, Woman would invent it, (Cries of “ Suamn!” Waar vous Communism meaw?— Short Commons.

Page 12

oe ne

oe

PARLOUR MAGIC played generally m Lodging Houses.) = large leg of mutton, weighing sight of nine pounds, snd have it © @iemer. If you have it ap for or, and there ls any of it left, besides “oe t will be a most extraordinary “—— f magi sy halfedozen new handkerchiefs; © counting them, place them in «6

—e otk the latter carefully, and ne ekey with you. Be absent during fey andom your return count the hand- berehiets You will Gud one of the beat aadkerchiefs missing The question is, wha cam it have diss: . ~ key of the érawer has been in your re me ie = = The came » th your coals, and sugar, and oni the helfpence you leave in «kets ¥ have only to turn your : rs ste, and you will find, on © sgaim, that they heave all disap the sume mysterious manner will “ turned into water, and brandy turn hrown inte pale. Pens, ink, and paper,

- mest miraculously —no wirg tell how: whilst hair-oil mata, amd such other requisites for tie, were never known to keep ger than the drst day ' mone “ DEFINTTIons.” : 4 ferior animal, who may be | cht te beg om two legs, hike s man. erlee A rogue amongst fools, and 1t>Oagst meg ues —2—A person known first, as 6 ary thea, as a“ Quack ;" then, Benefactor simt.—The ‘ewrora borealis of the ark ages “peer ron Faawers axyp OrTuens.— atever may be the effect of Free Trade the price of corn, it certainly will not ent the people at large from kneading eerasTical Iwrormatiow.— Candles introduced into churches in the me during the dark ages. were first

PUNCH’S ALMAMATK FOR 1852 INTRODUCTION OF CHEAP OMNIBUSES, AND FRIGHTFUL UPSET OF DIGNITY.

Conductor. “Now, Maru! Wire-Cuapet, on Mirz-Hexp—onty a Persr!

HOW TO BREW A GOOD DOMESTIC QUARREL. Get plenty of hot water, which you can always have by running into debt. Into the hot water throw your grievance, and keep stirring it for several hours with any small trifle that turns up. When it begins to boil, pour in all the household annoyances you can rake together, and flavour it with the bitterest truths, of which you should always keep a stock at home, ready ent and dried. Let it stand all night, and, if you come down to breakfast very late the next morning, you will find that there has been a great rise, in the mean- time, in your quarrel. The next thing is to commence cooling down, which is best done by drawing rapidly into opposite corners. If you want your quarrel to be brewed very strong, and to last the house- hold a long time, you had better get your mother-in-law to come and live a month with you, WEIONTS AND MEASURES, These subjects, though usually placed <ogether, are very different things, except in the case of Parliamentary measures, which have more or less weight attached to them. Measures of Length, and measures of Capacity are by no means the same; for the length of a speech will often show the incapacity, rather than the capacity, of the speaker. Measures of Volume may be referred to a particular standard; but the standard of perfection is a volume of Punch, to which every other volame is immeasurably in- ferior. Specific gravity is measured by drams; and if drams are taken in abundance, the specific gravity of anybody will soon be discovered. Measures of space are ascertained by degrees and circles; and the circles of Society are made up of various degrees, the space between which is extremely arbitrary. PorTry AT THE Awtrpopes.—A young Bard intimating to his friend an intention of emigrating to Australia, is advised by the friend (who is a Wag) to stay at home, on the ground that he would get nothing at the Antipodes but a wreath of Botany Bay. REMARKABLE FRatcre.—That essential ornament of the human countenance, the nose, is as often found Grecian or aqui- line among Governesses as among other young ladies. This is singular, consider- ing how very generally Governesses are snubbed.

ron Natwratiers.—Why is an like Me. Howes ?—Because he rated for picking bis chest. atcem rs Hien Lare If a tecl family were to take the pledge, .« liecharge the Butler, and not . any Porter j Mem. py A Mawtac.—A one-armed man ) ways an off-handed kind of fellow. "ny oF MES WERISM | It is related, as as- | t shing, that there | * sresomeclairvoyants | : can see right | : t mgh anybody ; but that is not so very trange. The wonder that there should e anybody who can- ee through the a yant | CON. FOR THOSE WHOM } MAY CONCERN ; When does a man | : lov his favoured | val? — When he | ves a flirt whose | belowed object is her- | self | MILITARY BIOGRAPHY. Of all Generals, there is none like that General Invita- tien for offering an | hngagement, and } then running away from it. QUESTION IN MY- THOLOGY. If Atlas could sup- : sort the World on his | = shoulders, was he able to balance the poles on his chin ? | cannot be recom- mended too strongly in all matrimonial wars! NON-INTERVENTION, : A principle that

FISHING OFF A WATERING-PLACE.

A PECK BY A BEAK. A poor pediar in- dignantly demanding why a man cannot hawk goods without a license in this land of liberty, is informed, by a justice of the peace, that liberty is not license, CORPORATION LOGIC. All buman?® things are hollow. ‘I’m 4 human thing; there- fore I’m hollow. It is contemptible to be hollow ; therefore I'll stuff myself as full as I'm able. METAPHYSICAL. Why is the inside of everything unin- telligible ? — Because we can’t make it out. THE HEIGHT OF ROGUERY. An Omnibns-man, with his vehicle al- ready fuller than it

Page 13

PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 18652. SEPTEMBER XXX DAYS. THE PARTRIDGE’S PETITION. To the Game Preservers of England.) On, listen, noble Sportsmen ! to the genuine Which I begs to leave till called for, with my dutiful submission Of a poor old bird, called Partr'dge— The sole survivor of a numerous covey, Which Has been killed off, in less than no time, Lord love ‘ee All along of the patent cartridge. (black, Now of all black days, along way the most At all events in Partridge’s almanack) Is the first day of September And therefore this comes hoping, and I comes hopping, you ‘re popping You ‘ll just please to remember, That we Partridges have lately been in the habit of listening To the Tenant Farmers a-talking on a child of which you had the christening, And its name it is Protection And both Parmers and Partridges having duly weigh’d and reflected | | | | | Kefore him, in joyous pi Have determined that future they ‘d | rather not be pro ed If you have no objection Cause why—we Partridges feels that though Protection be the reason Why them gamekeepers has hatch'd so many broods of us every season I don’t think we ‘re far wrong neither The reason you protect us, is in order you may snoot us don't by no means suit us— Nor the Farmers neither So if you'll leave tenants’ rents, and Par tridges’ rate of breeding To the law of supply and demand (about which we ‘ve both been reading), We 're eonvineed, on due reflection, That though rent-rolls mayn 't be so long, or game-bags fill’d so decenuUy A Sayiee or My Unscie’s.— What is the relation of a Member of Parliament to a Pawnbroker ?—The same as that of any man who gives pledges, and sponts. Rover-eT- Nor. Black — to-morrow | | The thyreus That when in the stubbies on our family | estachdinensren ox! BAVS. We shall both of us on better than we | have beep recently, While ander your protection. | THE VINTAGE AND THE BREWS8T ee ow Lal | | i} i} i} | See where S Roeeneen ee Max. Dv The ee mich the blood ef Jouw Banter- | ‘s creaming The bd of the grape in the other is ream- (they flow. And ths cuter enSehigty dilate ts rocession careering pole in frank rivairy rearing, |— See, the Nymph of the Hop, and the Nymph of the Vine,— On the one’s mellow cheek, the Sun's kies is | still glowing The blood of the South through her ripe limbs is flowing ; Red leaves and vine- bunches her dark hair entwine. Pair-hair'd is the other, and ruddy of feature \n open-faced, blue-eyed, and fresh country creature, In straw-hat, and jacket, and cowslip bleach’'d smock ; And rownd her brown hair, that is gold in the \ garland of corn-flowers and popptes doth run, With barley’s ripe ears, the bright tresses that mock. | And round the two Nymphs, by gay youth Now, this here's a state of things which | } | | | Port Wine to-day, | and giad maiden, With treils of hop-blossom and grape clusters laden, Mid whoop and halloo, the brown baskets are And, listening, you mark, in their mirth and their madness, Thanksgiving to Him who hath shed, for Karth’s gladness, Both the blood of the Gaarz and of Jon» Baatercoan. QuestionaBLe Noveity.—A furrier advertises “ The Rival; a new style of | Boa.” A “Swell” remarks that “A Wival was always a Boa.” Dooma By a D.D.—Old Port, with a | crust, is meat and drink. } ——,) 2 My wer ths — r ScoRP)

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PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1852. | - FIRST OF SEPTEMBER. i | | | | ae eS er . sabe snamaie | ASTRONOMICAL, THE BOOK OF NATURE. i | Tuere will be six ordinary Eclipses in 1862; but the great Eclipse of the year, which Aw ancient anthor has said, “Nature will be reported. All things are engaged in writi | | will be visible all over the world, will be the magnificent spectacle of Mr. Pu ontinuing their history The pebble writes its own history, with illustrations on stone. The tr every week eclipse all his former efforts. Persons suffering inec the bril- write their own history, with pictures on wood. The river writes its own history, liance of this publication, may be supplied with smoked glasses at : ‘ ptician’s, sketches in water-colours. Man writes his own history, not only with his hands, but w through which the mind's eye may contemplate the dazzling objects here prese to it his feet; for wherever he walks, he leaves some print. SOMETHING WICK FOR | EXTRAORDINARY | 4 SERPENT OCTOBER.—THE RIDE ON BRIGHTON DOWNS. | sTaMcR oF APPL | As the boa-con- | TION. | strictor, at the Zoolo- | ‘ . . - ~ There is not a» : | gical Gardens, has 1 A : extraordinary swallowed his bed, | stance of const the Council of the application, than Society has ordered | which is shown by bim blanket-pud- | Tax-gatherer. ai.c6: | AN UNPORTUNAT | ODDITIES OF THE MAN. ' 7 ' ‘GLISH LANGUAGE, There is a man A foreigner wants | has tried all mas to know why wecall | | of things, and » ® washerwoman & | found anything : and-reas, when she is | swer but Echo. always dabbling in the valére A RECIPE YOR S55 } CAKE. WIT Iv THE NEW i Make a tipsy- cut overnight ; the ti ® aver hes te cake will be sure in his sho winlew be seedy-cake } the following label: next morning. DecunuM ¥8T PRO IN-DOOR GARDEN™™ PATRIA Jior On cold ¢ THE NATURAL nights in winter | MoMA pare hot-beds wit The autumnal breeze ee ae ae ee ee A CAPITAL RIDIs naking good reselu- HABIT. toma, and yer it Keeps turning over a new Never to pay *° leaf. when you can 2! one, A CRYSTAL CREMONA. De. Deer's cele- No wonder brated Magic Crys- Zomans like the ™ tal, which was a DONNA, since, ¥? fiddle-de- Dex. ever their failis : she winks at them : He that wears a | A tight boot is likely | Hopes’ Pai { to have a narrow “Ww are R M —T | Puy.—How to understanding. " HO WOULDNT BE A KIDING DJIASTER | the pot boil.

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NOVEMBER XXX DAYS. POGS, GUYS, AND LORD MAYOR'S SHOWS Iw his yellow mantle of fog, With a link in his right band, November is carried by Macoo and Goo, Guy-fashion, through the Strand | That the month itself may be emblem meet Of the things it has to show The dense foe-sheet, and the Guy in the street, And eke the Lord Mayor's Show | By drain and sewer the Fog we may cure, | If we zealously set about it t so, But for Lord Mayor's Show and for Guys At least we rather doubt it. If the Lord Mayor's Show is not to go, For the sake of the Corporation, We beg to suggest how it ought to be drest, In its future celebration. King Coal should set out at the head of the rout, | And, o’ershadowed by olive and myrtle, Sweet Peace should approach in an élegant Coarh , of course, by a pair of turtle. Then the bigoted sot about Gunpowder Plot The Papists may well condemn ; Now-a-days they don't blow up Parliament, But Parliament biows up ‘hem So on poor old Guy (whose time 's gone by) We propose to clap a huach, WHAT CUPID SAW, HEARD, AND THOUGHT WHILST HIDDEN IN Hz saw—and is ready to swear it, and let the parties deny it if they can ~he saw Jemima Arkins walk inno- cently under the bough, and CHan.Ley PigreEroint jump from lis seat like a roebuck, or any other wild animal of prey, and seize that unsuspecting thing, and violently kiss her, ali the time trying tw struggle, and en- deavouring w say he ought tw be | ashamed of himself—that he ought. He saw MAnGARET SeAcoLs kissed by young Simcox; and MauGaxert, with- | out knowing it, made up a mouth so | like a wedding-ring, that the bans are already published, He saw Miss AcaTua Baownnice | look hard at the mistletoe—look very she Stored wit and wealth, whate’er the amount And welcome in the New Year bold, DECEMBER XXXI DAYS. And with pipes and drum, in time to come, To parade bim as Mr. Punch. Por he's the sole power which at this hour, | Ky popular consent, With success complete achieves the feat Ot blowing up the Parliament, L’BNVOY. Paors on the hearth the last faint ember ; Hark! ‘tis the death-watch ticking clear! O'er the grey ashes Nurse December Dozes beside the dying year : While strangely on the winter air Sound health and song from nigh at hand, Where they are toasting the Old Year's heir, That soon will come into his land. The old dies out, the new comes in ; So runs the world since it begen. Time blunts grief 's tooth in closest kin— rie with the year as with the man ; The New Year turns to stant account The lessons that the Old Year taught ; In heirs’ loose hands soon come to naught But a great purpose work+th still In spending, as in saving, seen ; I: is the glacier feeds the rill Which makes the valley giad and green : Then let the Old Year's corse «row cold , Close up bis eyes and veil his face, That steps into his father’s place. THE MISTLETOE, hard—and bite her lips; and all the night long nothing came of it. Curio thought, as every now and then he looked down upon red lips and white teeth, that he should hugely like to turn the mistletoe berries into pearls, aud the leaves into emeralds, and to throw them in a shower among the pretty ones about hun. Curtp thought of the Druids, who held the mistletoe in reverence, and went, from time to time, with great ceremony, to cut it with a golden knife. | And Curt hereupon believed the golden | kuife to be at this very time preserved in May Pair; and used every season by | gorgeous Dowagers upon mistletoe slips | at the Opera and Almack’s.

Page 16

PUNCH’S ALMANACK FOR 1882. . 2 Crassicat Srorts awn Pastiwes.—Yonung ladies should be informed that the TRAVELLING EXTRAORDIWAR On Christmas-day an Alderman of the City of §& Fy Elgin Marbles formed no part of the Olympic Games London having eaten his beef at Clapham, walks in less than five minutes’ time » a Excess ov Caution.—An elderly single gentleman, travelling by railway, objected THEATRicaL.—Two eminent Actors, one of a past age, the other living, makeone 2 = } , 4 OM “~< 2 eu fe : 7 — — 1

~Lots of Hearts, a sprinkling ——UMI

PLE | rd a, - 5 Y Ujb ~ = ‘Yn, . i sit Lipp on, = Vip ARDS For A Harry A Goop Hayp of Diamonds, no / 2 iifive Si fj // : 1 Yd : . ——_ ‘ i payin 4.4 4 Ul Wj het

yy WW aieess, ij WY Yi WWW) MUU) S/ ff

THE MISTLETOE BOUGH.—BEING LEAP YEAR, THE LADIES TAKE THE

mut more and more upon you every day, you eannot ~The habits you buy at Cheap Tailors : for as you will |

——

—_ y

Improvipewt Hasirs Bi 3 : shall aicomatn _ a 3 Rea Paize Beey.—The biggest joint, given to the poorest and the best deserving | Taste Tacx.—An old gentleman with a keen palate, but without’a musical ear, =+2 Zeke of vour neighbours i ‘ | deelares that he derives no pleasure whatever from any sound except the sound 45 fe Tue Mora. or Roasrep Cuxstxvts.—It is with men who bluster even as with | the cod-fish. 2° _—— <2" Cy chestnuts,—the closer you cut them, the less they bounce Wuaat 18 Doo's-Nosz?—The nose of a dog, very caressing over-night; but apt <2 23 Base lnaaatitupe.—How seldom it is that anyb ody ever returns a wed ding favour | to bite very hard in the morning. Cave canem / &

Page 17

gues, why are they like

‘gs and Tories are both re

silates MATHEMATICAL.—If Wh an our

prinkling |

ots of Hearts, a & retweoon the

THE OLD AND NEW YBAR. | PUNCH’S EVERY-DAY BOOK. ~. Yo = HOULD we shake hands with| /anvary.—This month derives its name from Janus, who had two Time, we spoil a clock, | faces, one sad and the other smiling; the former contemplating the Or thus would we the | Christmas Bills, the latter looking on at the festivities of the season. parting year embrace; | In ancient prints, January is sometimes represented as a veteran with If years have fists in cor- | a woodman’s axe—perhaps the identical one that the old year has just

dial grip to lock, cut his stick with, Which is considered not | January 1st.—The practice of giving presents on New Year’s Day is to be the case,— as old as the Romans, who gave each other figs and dates; but the For the past twelvemonths, | precise date cannot be ascertained, nor is the earliest fig to be found certainly, is one im any collection of facts and figures. In Queen Exvizapern’s time,

Out of the common run, | all the royal servants presented Her Majesty with gifts, and her pastry- cook gave her some tarts; but in these days puffs are, happily, not

¥ It is not every day we kil] acceptable to royalty. § : a pig, _— ' Suitors in the Courts of Law py gave gloves as New Year’s - Observes a rustic saw ; | Gifts to the Judges, who, as they did not always come into court with + not every year clean hands, found the gift acceptable. > With such a national event The First of Jan is dedicated, in the Roman Calendar, to 8r. id is big FuLeentivs, who 1 to walk barefooted, to the great injury of his As that just ended; and sole, and who, never eating meat, lived upon pulse, which reduced his 3 it claims a cheer. own pulse to a state of extreme feebleness. Though lis only food con- Z eh a In nineteen hundred, less *isted entirely of vegetables, he reached a green old age, which was, “ ~, ge S— by forty-eight. perhaps, natural. ; . z wy We’ve not had one so| _ /¢nuary Ind.—This day is dedicated by the Roman Catholics, to ° , okay great. Sr. Macanius, who was once stung by a gnat, which he killed inadver- g tently. The Saint went into the marshes to do penance, when he was

nch ; : ' stung by so many flies, that his body was covered with tumors, and he « Spaniaeds Halen, Yankees, Turk Dane, and Dutch, came back such a thorough swell that nobody knew him. And all the ‘ : , tna Ss world beside ; indeed, ’twas much =

——s es VS Me Ana more wv Bm < pie eseneenn be

VOL. XXII. To see them here content, and at their ease, ; With Englishmen, like ringdoves in a cage, A Card from the Protectionist Waits. hen first, in any age. | We, your Proteetionist dead weights, make our usual petition, and : | return to the old song at this festive period. We beg to remind you The new year comes, and happy may it be ! that we have no connexion with the Pope’s brass band, or any other If not so splendid as the year that’s flown ; instruments of humbug, except our own, which we continue to play It comes with flowers and fruit, and such may we upon. ‘ Gather, as we are fain to hope we’ve sown,— | N.B. The Protectionist dead weights are at present without a leader, The growth of honesty, and truth, and right,— Any one who has a knack of performing always on one string may find Peace, comfort, freedom, light. , the situation suit him. Apply at No. 19, Old Bond Street. help even d | |

Page 18

(Manufactured expressly for our Rustic Readers. Pieu-prppise was first discovered by Caprarm Coox A.D, 38. Sr. Gronoe is the Patron Saint of Snap-dragone. A fragment of the Mistletoe Bough that has achiev so extensive a musical reputation, is still preserved at the British Maseum. Blind-man's-boff was introduced by Joaw or Anc, at that eventful epoch recorded in Meruvseran’s well- known Conundrum: “ Where was Noan when the candle went out?” The Beef Eaters of the Tower are almost exclusively Vegetarians. Night's bridge owes its name to the Lucus-a-non-ical fact that--thanks to the Barracks—it is only passable by day-light. The distinguishing characteristic of our St. Albari's Constituency is the extreme purity of its principals. Black Prdding is still a favourite dish with the Canni- bals of Ethiopia A wing is being added to the National Gallery for t! eception hose valuable Works of Art—the Duke { Wellington's Statue and Aldgate Pump. The popular melody of Poor Old Ned ia generally attri- buted to HANDEL. Lunar Cauatie is a preparation of distilled moonbeams chemically extracted from early cucumbers. Mr. annum is in active treaty for the purchase ot the celebrated House that Jack Built. LEICESTER SQUARE CONSPIRATORS. Tue continental despots bave been, it is said, remonstrating with our Government for harbouring revolutionary refugees. This is a very short-sighted complaint ; for there is no 2 PUNCH, OR THE The Bloomers have all been transplanted to the Flowery Land, and are there “ coming out” most extensively. A Submarine Telegraph is in course of formation from Botany Bay to Birmingham. The Houses of Parliament and the Library Catalogue of the British Museum are alike rapidly approaching completion Cour’s Revolvers are manufactured exclusively for the Horse Marines Guy Fox was a lineal an estor of the present M.P. for LONDON CIIARIVARI THE REPRESENTATION OF WEST- MINSTER. | We congratulate Westminster on the state of | its Representation. What we say is no compli- ment to the constituents of Evans or Lusu- |ryeton. It is a just tribute to Messreurs Parmeno, Poaorta, GuatHo, Co #ea, THRaso, | Dortas,—to M2“-LES. Tyats and Pytuias, and to the rest of the young amateurs, who have been earning all the laurels that Christmas can muster, by performing the Hunuchus of Terencr. We allude, in fact, to the Westminster Play—not to the Westminster electors. We witnessed that performance with a vast deal of pleasure, con- siderably heightened by the profound conviction that the actors would hereafter acquit themselves | quite as creditably in the parts of physicians, | barristers, judges, bishops, captains, colonels, |field-marshals, members of parliament, mer- | chants, and other —a characters, on the more | serious boards of real life. If some ancient Roman could have arisen from the Shades, and exchanged the pleasures of the Elysian Fields for the gratification of | witnessing TERENCE, as interpreted by the West- minster scholars, he would, no doubt, have been considerably more amused than he ever was by the same play in his own time and country. Kor the levities of the Latin Momus are somewhat |ponderous; and we suspect that much more fun was got out of our author, in the dormitory of Westminster school, than ever was elicited from him on the Roman stage. Indeed, the Westminster boys turn a dormitory into a the- Finsbury | The Geologic formation of the Sandwich Islands are alternate strata of ham and bread-and-butter. A second Cheltenham is rising on the banks of the} Thames: its waters being considered highly “ medi- | cinal” by all who have enjoyed (?) the privilege to | taste them | A bill for the re-establishment of Protection will be sion, by Mr. Conpey, simulta- | Woot mation for the y's motion for t introduced, next = neously w removal the L[acome-' ax. M, Jeu vy “I expressly for ey th Sre CHARLES » Quadrill was getariaa Society. com posed rhe chief advantage of our Cape colonies is their imm diate proximity to the Caffres, And last, and, in our own private opinion, decidedly the greatest “Cracker” of all, which we defy even the blanket-bolting Boa-Constrictor to swallow with im- punity io rhe Universe may shortly expect the Fotal Annihilation of Punch / } place in the world where the anarchists are so likely to learn the principles of order as they | are here; no atmosphere in which Red men so soon change their colour, and acquire a reve- rence for the policeman. Members of the “Mourtain,” after a very brief enjoyment of English | endeavour to acquire, in regard to the points ' quiet, look with the same res | is delicate enough for yout | language ; atre, and we suspect that the ancient Romans did precisely the reverse. We fervently hope that some of our humbler British dramatists may have witnessed the Eunuchus of Terence, as the performance might have suggested to them a flattering idea of the immortality which may be reserved for a fifth- rate comedy, “adapted from the French.” It is strange that a play should have so long survived wherein there is little that is remark- able except the plot—that being remarkable only from the cireuwnstance that the young actors, vith all tnew scholarship, could not possibly translate it to their sisters, insomuch that the virtuous Lory CHAMBERLAIN would, probably, refuse to allow such a piece to be performed in plain English. But what would be too -— for the Coburg, s and maidens, when “veiled in the decent obscurity of a ” so the doctors have decided, and it is not for Punch to say nay; though our young Thespians enunciate the Janguage of TERENCE too nicely to permit us to question that they know perfectly well what they are saying. POSERS FOR THE ADMIRALTY. Tue Lords of the Admiralty are entreated to give their serious attention to the following ques- tions :-— In wearing a ship, is the ship always put on ? Whereabouts is the binnacle ? How do you get to the top-gallant forecastle ? What part of a vessel are the beam-ends ? It is earnestly hoped that their Lordships will t at our constables’ staves, as their countrymen at home at the | above specified, those clear and accurate views not much more brilliant, and much less efficient, staff which surrounds the French President. | which are so necessary in the direction of nautical bation w | As to ong ote that exotic democrats may hatch, we believe they are as harmless as the incu-| affairs, and especially in the regulation of naval hich is carried on in the neighbourhood of the exiles by Mz. Canteto in Leicester Square. For the satisfaction of the ambassadors of arbitrary powers, Mr. CanTEeLo might add | to his present establishment an exhibition of Socialist and Communist conspirators hatching | architecture ; as it is very desirable that no more mistakes should oecur in the enlargement and repair of our wooden walls which the dangerous — by smoke. Such — never comes to anything; no chickens are produced in England | state of affairs on the Continent may render rom what may be termed Gallic cocks’ eggs. necessary.

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s. == fF en tt ererwe Oe CU] i a i i el — ye i | ally, sound a most | granted to Doctor Layaxgp, who, starved by the Government, has been GROSS INSULT. UNIVERSITY MAN HAVING SPENT A FEW DAYS IN TOWN, TERM, 18 ABOUT TO GO HUME, AT THE Enter Waiter. Waiter (condescendingly). “Goinc Home vor tue Hotipays, Sin!” University Man (hurling himself into Hunsom). “ Euston Squa-a-a-ne |’ THE MARBLE ARCH, SHAKSPEARE has taught us to read “sermons in stones;” and most | significant are the sermons to be found in every bit of the Marble Arch, in its origin and its late removal. When first erected by Gzonce THe FourtH, it preached to us a Royal Sermon; discoursing to tax-paying | Englishmen the magnificent contempt of their gorgeous potentate for the vulgarity of cash expense. Not a marble block that had not a tongue in it, eloquently talking to apprehensive ears, of the barbaric taste— (eostly and monstrous as a rich jewel in the nose of an Ethiopian prince) | —of the selfish prodigality of Gzonce Taz Fourts, now fast on his | way to oblivion. A The spendthrift king was, in the fulness of time, set aside on his shelf in St. George’s Chapel, and still the Marble Arch | held forth a continual sermon on tle folly and wastefulness of its dead ey At length the Arch is to be removed ; to be tumbled down, and On some most appropriate site, where the marble shall, architectur- ese key to the scene, to be again set up. Happily, or oddly enough, the Marble Arch is carted from St. James’s Park,—and block by block put together again where its beauties may come full upon the house of the present Duxz or Somenset; the house of the future Duke, now the Minister for Woods and Forests! Surely, we can read a sermon iw the marble on this final incident. But here is another sermou—a sermon with £ s, d, for the text—quoted from the newspapers :— “Tue Manste Ancu.--From an official document just issued, it is shown that the | = of taking down, removing, and re-instating the Marble Arch, was little short of | £11,000.” Had this sum, together with the proceeds of the old marble, been | GOG’S PIROUERTTE. DOGGEREL FOR DIRTY DOGS. Great Goe was a mighty Giant, And his meals cost thousands of pounds, For his paunch was huge and pliant, And lis appetite knew no bounds. He cared not although the Gout caused him to limp and hobble, But still would he blow himself out, Swig, swig, and gobble, gobble. Old Gos, being blithe and merry, Took a hop on his gouty toe, Tn the fulness of port and sherry, And tremendously Jaughed, Ho, ho ! He stood in St in’s-le-Grand At the close of a banquet splendid, Over twenty miles of land His left leg he extended. Full twenty miles—no shorter !— He gave a twist and a twirl, And, fixed on his right supporter, Spun round like a dancing gir! ' This wonderful pirouette Was considered by the City As a feat, which to forget Would be an eternal pity. So they came to the decision, That the circle Goe had traced Should afford him a provision To increase his monstrous waist. In the space he compassed, tolls They obtained the right to levy On Her Maszsty’s subjects’ coals, Which is why they come so heavy. | The Hack Blade of the Protectionists. |. Mn. Batt (of Buwell) asked of the Protectionist Meet- | ing at the London Tavern, if “There was any man whose sword had been more notched than Mu. Dismag.i's?” | END OF We do not see that a sword is any the better for being so | | dreadfully notched, unless it is for the purpose of turning | | it into a saw; and Protection is not exactly celebrated fur | |its “ wise saws.” |farmers to believe that | the worst notch in the Blade is the notch of Protection. compelled for awhile to give up further excavation in Assyria,—we do not think it impossible that exhumed treasures, a few more winged bulls, would have given us something better for our money than the restored blunder, the huge bull of Geoney tux Founru. However, the government has a venerating sympathy for the pro- fligate extravagance of the Sybarite GreorGe, and, at the cost of £11,000, will perpetuate it. On the other hand, what will the Govern ment tentie towards the means of preserving one WuILLIAu SuaksPeaRe’s house? The drt Union shall tell us :-— “ Suaxspeane's Housz.—The Government have refused to take upon themselves tle guardianship of the birth-place of the poet of England ; the debt of £400 etill remains unliquidated by the committee who effected its purchase ; affairs are, therefore, in slalu quo. The account then stands thus :— To the Marble Arch of Geonor raz Fourrn £11,000 To the Birth-place of Wi.LiAM SHAKSPEARE 7) Have we not here sermons in stones, sermons exciting in us feelings of shame and indignation ? Throwing your Money into the Gutter. Ir has been said that “the man who goes to law might as well throw his money into the gutter.” Now the Commissioners of Sewers have been going to law; and, in so doing, have spent no less a sum than £5800, which, for an which it has done the Commissioners or the Sewers, might as on ve been thrown into the gutter. It strikes us strongly that the public money was entrusted to them to throw into more profitable gutters than that of going to law! We suppose Mr. Bait wanted thie | BR. Diskakiit was a first-rate | blade, only with a number of notches; and in our opinion, | | | | | |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIYARI. THE POLITICAL CROTCHET-BOOK. A youneG gentleman who (in a state of infatuation) has recently been meddling with those queer little works oel Orochet- Books, has suddenly con- ceived the idea of pro- ducing a book of a similar character to illustrate the working of PoLITICAL Crotcuets. In the pre- sent state of European affairs the art is a Very useful one. The following is a speei- men of his performance ; the pattern is clearly French :-— “ Parrern, No,—— For Epeinc — towards absolute power. Make a chain of sausages of the length required, allow- ing a quarter of a pound of pork to each sausage ; turn back (from your oath) and work the— “ First Row of bayonets. Pass the row up and down the street. Work the bayonet through the front entrances of houses, and out at the back windows—which will make your pattern firm. Loop up your generals, and cut off communication between the different — 4 of your country. “N.B. This pattern is tolerably simple, and chiefly requires that the bayonet shall be of the regulation size. After the First Row of bayonets has been brought into form, a Second Row (pronounced to rhyme with “ vow”) will require to be arranged for. Various other rows will have to follow; the general directions, however, for dealing with all of them, are as follows : 4th, 5th, and 6th Row, Continue passing the bayonet as before; work | plain (act of force); 2, or more, doubles (of falsehood) ; 2 hooks of representatives by bribery) ; repeat to the end. “So the work must go forward “to the end,” when your absolute Crotchet will be pretty completely done to your satisfaction. The colour of the stuff will be blood colour.” Query by Professor Punch.—Will it wash ? THE POETRY OF COOKERY. ConstDERING the high position that Cookery has lately taken among the arts, we feel that there is a demand for something more than the mere prose in which the science has been hitherto taught, and we beg to offer a few specimens of a POETICAL’ COOKERY BOOK. IRISH STEW. Arn.—“ Happy Land.” Irish stew, Lrish stew ! Whatever else my dinner be, Once again, once again, Id have a dish of thee. Mutton chops, and onion slice, Let the water cover, With potatoes, fresh and nice ; Boil, but not quite over, Irish stew, Lrish stew ! Ne’er from thee, my taste will stray. I could eat Such a treat Nearly every day. i la, la, la! CALF’S HEART. Arn.—* Maid of Athens, ere we part Maid of all work, as a part Of my dinner, cook a heart ; Or since such a dish is best; Give me that, and leave the rest. Take my orders, ere I go; Heart of calf, we ’ll cook thee so. Buy—to price you ’re not confined— Such a heart as suits your mind : Buy some suet—and enough Of the herbs required to stuff ; Buy some !emon-peel—and, oh! Heart of calf, we ’ll fill thee so. Buy some onions—just a taste— Buy enough, but not to waste ; Buy two eggs, of slender shell, Mix, and stir the mixture well ; Crumbs of bread among it throw ; Heart of calf, we ’ll roast thee so. Maid of all work, when ’tis done, Serve it up to me alone ; Rich bfown gravy round it roll, Marred by no intruding coal ; Currant jelly add—and, lo! Heart o , L’ll eat thee so. THE CHRISTMAS PUDDING. Am.—“ Jeannette and Jeannot.” If you wish to make the pudding in which every one delights, Of a dozen new-laid eggs you must take the yolks and whites ; Beat them well up in a basin till they thoroughly combine, And shred and chop some suet up particularly fine ; Take a pound of well-stoned raisins, and a Joana of currants dried, A pound of pounded sugar, and a pound of peel beside ; Stir them all up well together with a pound of wheaten flour, And let them stand to settle for a quarter of an hour ; Then tie the pudding in a cloth, and put it in the pot,— Some people like the water cold, and some prefer it hot ; ‘ But though [ don’t know which of these two methods T should praise, I know it ought to boil an hour for every pound it weighs. Ob! if I were Queen of France, or, still better, Pope of Rome, 1’d have a Christmas pudding every day I dined at home ; And as for other puddings, whatever they might be, Why those who like the nasty things should eat them all for me. THE “PAIL” OF CIVILISATION ; AND HOW IT IS PILLED DIFFERENTLY BY DIFFERENT PEOPLE. Tue Rich Man fills it with champagne, and the best spirits, and the warmest cordials; and the Poor Man with gruel, or beer, or vegetables, or whatever scraps he can throw into it. With the Berevolent, it is a large Milk-pail, overflowing with human kindness ; with the Selfish, it is nothing better than a monster Ice-pail to freeze everything that is put into it. The Teetotaller deluges it with Tea—and so does the Washerwoman —and alzo a large number of ladies; but the Hospitable Man, who is neither in his tastes a Teetotaller nor a Washerwoman, fills it to overflowing with generous wine, which he invites his friends to come and enjoy with him. " : The melancholy Drunkard replenishes it, time after time, with Gin, or Brandy, or Whiskey-and-water, or spirits of some sort; but the Sober Man is perfectly content if it contains nothing stronger for his palate than Toast-and- Water. Those who are Charitable fill it with Soup, which they give away to the Poor; and those who combine Charity with Politics, fill it with Stones, which, they tell the Poor, as soon as they are en, shall be exchanged for so many loaves of bread. é With the Good, the Pail of Civilisation is one large, loving cup, which they we round and round, mp ey one to drink, wat pledge his = ur in fellowship ; with the , it is an impure vessel of strong and maddening drinks that debase all those who ' their lips to it. To Some it is a fountain of Purity, filled with the sweetest waters drawn from the Well of Truth; to Ot it is a deadly poison cup which, offered treacherously in the holy name of Civilisation, is m death to all who taste it. But the day will surely come when the “Pail” of Civilisation will be a source of and health to all who e of it; and, though it may be a long time before Civilisation will be able to get all ind to drink out of the same “ Pail,” yet that day will assuredly come, and we only hope that we may be there in order to have, what is called, a “ good long pull” out of it! IsscRIPTION TO BE PLacep oveR THE Stock Excuance.— Bear and For-Bear.”

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(-aunporg papnigajag sayooy wT aq fo Ajsaanay F) ‘19ST ‘Mp UMANAOAT TO AGOG@ AAL ONIMATA NOWTOdYN SI00'T Ps J ee “ADUAET'T

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oc ui OQ oc O é WJ ” a O he oc ui a MRS. ENGLAND SETTING Aut Ricut ron truz Year.” “Pay rHat Brit, Jonny, anp I sHALL BE

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A CHRISTIAN OF A HUNDRED THOUSAND. Tue Caernarvon Herald says :— “ The death of the Rev. Groncs Ronsox, of Erbistock, near Wrexham, will cause a number of vacancies in this neighbourhood in situations which he had held for a great number of years. It is cmppaesé Gt, sinee his nomination by Bissor Hasecey, he has raised £100,000 from the livings he held.” That is = to be the best epitaph that most briefly, most touchingly reveals tp the contemplative reader the virtues that adorned him living, who now reposes below. The fewer the syllables the better. We know nothing of the Rav. Gronce Rossow; nothing of the manifold excellencies that were, no doubt, lustrous in him while he dwelt in the flesh. Still, our notions of the sim “rs ee self. denying attributes of Christianity, as propounded in the Testament ( in the the Clergy Lis#), are emt A rr: b the contemplation of that ecclesiastical monstrosi pluralist. In the doo Mythology we see all sorts of bint hideously pictured ; some with half-a-dozen 8, others with a score of legs and arms; these, monstrous as they are, we take to be the true signification—the vera efigies of a reverend pluralist. But surely the Rev. Gzonce Rossow | had only one head, two arms, a pair of legs? We su he would not have been a profitable investment for a showman, but was doubtless a mere simple biped, after the common fashion o it How, then, must he have been puzzled to fill a “ tions?” With half. a-dozen heads he might at once > uae a-dozen sermons. With three onie of arms he might have There would have been something like a physical moral and religious duties ; buf as Gzonaz Rosson dou died a plain man, how the poor churchman must at ti eye by the plural calls upon his single ability! eave pluralities to Visuwoo, and, as Christians, work in However, touching the epitaphs of pluralists : or most instructive. instance, we would have the ae igal Tine supplied by Doctors’ Commons. ‘The will proved, we would have the epitaph run thus :— THE REV. BRIAREUS TITHEPIG, PLURALIST, Dizp , AGED - £100,000! Has not the last line as good as a bunjyed thousand tongues, and each and all uttering a warning and a mo: MY UNCLE. BY I—s ¥——x 3B——. Who raised our race up from the dregs, And set us youngsters on our legs, Putting us up so many pegs ? EE ee TY ais Ueda! Who seratch’d up Europe like a hen, To fling out grains for us young men ? Who shut the mouth, and stopp 5 the pent ? My Uncle! Who broke through rights, and smash’d through laws, To find neat crowns for our papas ? And shot young D’Eycuten in our cause ? y Uncle! Who left us something still to — A name to keep French passions true To ws—the name of Waterloo ? My Uncle! Who gave me all my little name, My little hopes, my = fame, My little everything, bu My Uncle! The Hope of the New Year. | Franchise. “Mr. Puncn presents the compliments of the season to Lonp Joux | "Phe Public confidently Waiting—for a fare adjustment of the Cab Noble Premier wil! not forget that New Year’s | Duty. Russex1, and hopes the Gift which he a Reform for w mised him—that same measure of Parliamentary | Mr. Punch has so long been waiting.” CONSIDERATION ON THE KAFFIR WAR. It is the opinion of all, who are qualified to form an opinion on the| subject, that there must positively be some change at the Cape. If| pa is no other change, at least the Cape of Good ts name. _ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARTVARI. | WHAT IS THE USE OF AN ALDERMAN? “ Mr. Poncu, —I was tried last week at the Old Bailey for a literary indiscretion. No matter. The acceptance was eventually taken up, and I was acquitted. My punis was nevertheless excruciating. Up tothe moment of being led into the dock, my hair was of a luxuriant black. By eleven o’clock, a. M., 1 _ turned white ! to ornament the bench, be treme in some > tor tam bane in short, I shall be “ What, 9 ae pugs ip sho uns of “T owe this to the Aldermen of ae? pears that, eee the Judges a at least one Alderman is deemed 7 JUsTITIA can otras’, her pees. On t the morning of my trial no d I had to tremble in agonies of suspense e. She teh ot Be St Be iene » tm questions. “ Why is he so ual at the absent from the m the A fur, is only his —* ory al Gr Mave pe Mowsarar, B. .A., owsERY aND Co., City.’ RAMPANT BULLS IN PORTUGAL. Tux foreign correspondent of the Moraing Post, writing on the affairs of Portugal, informs us that ene Govocmmant vans oor, we money. A’ won bee” &c., during Lent, suthed, allorg peoy which we aime "this. “bull ” to have been The authorit; oy vied, i is otha of of the ‘pan — i + Pr be ; but fa Me nok onl y speaking, the b rother g er or bo me re ee eine ta am oo Our contemporary’s correspondent su’ sy tha he sine deb aptly pens of the bulls would be risen (sic).” ae: doubt 4 pice of bulls would be Sea or, a8 " Pago rat inence from z the Portaeee 6 sbetinents from (his Lind of thing’ should at the present season of the year—make us thankful to reflect that Jone “port's Bull to himself, and is not‘to be bullied by any papal or other bull, either out of his cash or out of his dinner. CHRISTMAS WAITS. Peek asp Exrrsonpryaky.) i be 5 ae actively Waiting—to prove the “perfect tran- Cape passively Waiting—to see the last of the Caffres (and Sre Harey Surrn). Distressed Agriculturists delusively Waiting—the revival of their favourite old Farce of “ Protection.” Lovis Napotgoy anxiously Waiting—the dénouement of his not very erptalons mode of getting some toa cheese, drink milk, ven to the bull; that is with, as by that means Hope must change | uccess y, “le ad’ ” . Tes is ctor he” coats Waiting—the loss of their A Painful Operation. A CORRESPONDENT iewten yee we have no tilled the Bortoane t mash pity, aah that fact it its with reference to the institution “whether it is a school for Surgery, a SU's decives trom that name of the Sawbone ?”, A Faencn Roti—not to be had at any Baker’s—Zhe Rappel. ——————n —»—

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IU PUNCH, OR TITF LONDON CHARIVARL A Yr ~~ ~~ ‘ ut SS >it ~sTehaihieg Hi SSe hy BN sae tZ NO THE FEAST OF VEGETABLES AND THE FLOW OF WATER. | New Year —so let’s be jolly ; 4 On the board the Turnip smokes, Whilst we sit beneath the holly ; Eating Greens and passing jokes. j is j | How the Cauliflower is steaming,’ ES Sweetest flower that ever blows ! See, good old Sir Kidney, beaming, Shows his jovial ined red nose. Here behold the reign of Plenty,— Help the Senoete, eae the Kail; Roots how ni herbs how dainty, Well woshen down with Apam’s Ale! Feed your fill,—untasted only Let the fragrant Onion go; Or, amid the revels lonely, jo not nigh the mistletoe ! Louis Napoleon and the French Church. Tue Bisnor or Cuatons writes a letter, approving of the treason of the French usurper, for he says, “Gop is with the Pre- sident.” Louis NapoLeon is a perjured homicide ; and, on the authority of the BisHor or | Cuatons, favoured by intelligence, private and exclusive, “ Gop is with him.” Lovis Napotzon has given the Pantheon to the Jesuits. Gop is with the Jesuits. Lovis is with the Jesuits. Lvgo,—Gop is Testy Old Uncle (unable to control his passion), “Rzatty, Sin, THIS 18 QUITE INTOLERABLE ! with Louis. » You MUST INTEND TO INSULT ME. For tHe Last Fourteen Days, wHerever I nave Divep, | HAVE HAD NOTHING BUT SappLE oF Mutton anv Bortep Turkery—Boitep Turkey anp Sappie or Mutton. I’Lt ENDURE IT NO LONGER.” [ Exit Old Derartures.—A clever contemporary al- Gent., who alters his Will. \udes to the departure of Monsteur THIERs Morat.—How ridiculous a man appears—particularly a man at a grave period of life—who is | from France, in the following laconic manner: over-anxious about his eating and drinking / NEW YEAR'S GIFTS TO LOUIS NAPOLEON. Tue following Etrennes were presented at thé Elys¢ée to Lovis Napo.eow, on the Jour de [An :— The Elite of the Army presented him with an enormous Béi/on—en Sucre de Pomme—as a complimentary hint of his rapid promotion | (service not being necessary in the nephew of an Emperor) to the) rank of Maréchal de I’ Empire. The Kine or Naptes sent him a monster cake, enveloped in a beau- | tiful sulphur bag, of the very finest Naples sont. in order that he might | wash his hands of the filthy Socialist blood, which must be (says the King, | in an autograph letter,) “une tdche bien difficile et bien désagréable.” The Emergror or Russia forwarded him, in frosted silver, the pret- tiest Model of the Mines of Siberia, with a friendly intimation that the originals were quite at his service for any political purposes. The Empgzrorn or AvsTRIA, anima by the same affectionate motives, begged of his “ cher frére Louis” to accept of an Hilwagen-full of Austrian bank-notes, with an assurance that “if he wanted more, he might have them.” The bank-notes averaged from twopence down- wards, and were pierced through and through, like larks on‘a spit, with bayonets. The pointed meaning of this, as explained by a Police- General, who had been on active duty lately on the Stock Exchange at Vienna, was that “in the event of wry faces being made in swallowing t ~ bank-notes, the bayonets were to force them down the people’s throats.” The Porg sent him, curiously enough, a a ma leg of mutton, which was flanked by a magnificent Sword, with the 4gzus Dei in diamonds on the hilt. Down the blade were engraved the following talismanic words: “ Let all thy cutting and carving be directed to one end—that of winning the Pope's eye.” The Kixo cr tuz Cannipat Istanps merely sent his Portrait. The Emperor Sovurovrs tue First, of Madagascar, directed to the Rivets, for the apcaplaneest “his ty —— Napoteoy,” a large | mperial Crown, most highly wrought in gingerbread. A manuscript letter of the Emperor’s it, tendering, in the bondesmest manner, “ the use of his personal services, and that of his brave army.” —“ The Turens Parti.” And lastly, Les Dames pz LA Hatie attended in a body of five hundred, and presented Louis Napongon with a most tasty medal po jarge as life, of the Emperor, worked into a tremendous Brioche. The President nearly shed tears at the neatness of the compliment, and ressed the Cake, with every symptom of the warmest sympathy, to his neart. After the Goutte d’Honneur had been offered and accepted several times, the five hundred ladies retired, shouting, in the most cordial spirit, “ Vive ? Empereur /” We had nearly forgotten to state that the National Guards, to the number, we are told, of six thousand, attended at their respective Mairies, and delivered up, “au nom du Président,” their swords and muskets. This may be be ed upon as the most extraordinary New Year’s Gift of the series, and was the one which, we are credibly informed, gave the greatest surprise, as well as the greatest pleasure, to Louis Navoteoy,—if we except the very generous New Year’s Gift which the Government Officers of the Scratin des Bulletins presented him with (in the name of the nation),'in the shape of a majority of some 6,000,000 votes !—which New Year’s Gift has certainly been unparalle . the annals of any country professing to have the slightest love for reedom ! A “Great Criminal.” In November, 1850, Louis Napoteon declared in his message tc the National Assembly of France, that— “ He considered as GREAT CRIMINALs those who, by PERSOWAL AMBITION, compromised the small amount of stability secured by the Constitution.” Those words we recommended Louis NaPo.gon, at the time (p. 222, vol. xix.), to have engraved in large letters over the portico, and every door of the Elysée; so that, being constantly before his recollection, he might never be guilty of “ personal ambition,” and so never figure in history as a “GREAT CRIMINAL.” We are afraid he has forgotten our friendly advice ; and what has been the consequence? Why, he “has compromised the small amount of stability secured by the Constitution,” and, in his own words, is branded as’a “ Great Criminal.” As such we recommend Mapame Tvussaup to include him, as one of its fittest | members, in her “ Chamber of Horrors.” A Frexcu Coo.—A Cockney correspondent suggests, that as Louis Napotzox has so well succeeded in his comp, he should discard the Eagle as a cognisance, and assume the Dove. '

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' THE FRENCH BLUE BEARD. Poor France has just furnished another illustration of the results of fatal curiosity. She had a younger sister, Liberty, growing not very rapidly; but being tolerably sure of gaining strength and reaching maturity, if she was allowed to lead a quiet and regular life, when all of osuien the sisters found themselves betrayed into the hands of a very bad set of people. Liberty being freed from all whole- some restraint, indulged in every kind of excess; until, worn out by her irregular course of life, she was glad to form the first alliance that seemed to offer anything in the shape of a permanent establishment ; and she accordingly gave herself into the hands of the modern Blue Beard. For some time he seemed to treat her kindly enough; but when she and her sister, a Presse, began to be actuated by a spirit of curiosity as to the future, he, without any scruple, determined to make an end of that Liberty who} iad placed herself in his hands, and whom he had sworn to protect and to honour. With a drawn sword he stood over her, threatening to administer her death-blow, while her sister looked out anxiously in the hope of seeing some one approach to their rescue. Such is the present situation of poor Liberty ; and we regret we are unable to give a favourable reply to the vital question, “ Do you see anybody coming ps THE PALMERSTON FEAST. No sooner was it known that Lorp Patwerstow had ceased to belong to the Cabinet (that Ham/et was withdrawn from the play of Ham/ef), than various of the Foreign Ambassadors determined upo ry hanquet to celebrate an event that, as they instinctively felt, must be so peculiarl gratifying 10 the feelings of their several royal masters. other circumstances it might have been; but the joy and hearty good-will of the reve’ The feast was not so magnificent, so com fete, as fers more than com- pensated for any short-coming of the cook ; and, perhaps, throughout the country, there was not a jollier Christmas party than that gathered together under the roof of his Excellency the Am| r for ——, who flung open the doors of his spacious and magnificent mansion on the occasion. ‘ 4 As the various Ambassadors entered and embraced the host, the band played (in touching compliment to the Empgror Nicnowas) God preserve the Emperor! The meeting of the parties was very interesting —even affecting. Austria rushed into the arms of Rossta, and both embraced with emotion; whilst Greece all but melted on the shoulder of the Two Siciires. The dinner being over, Russta rose to propose a toast. They had that day met to celebrate an event of peculiar interest to all strong Governments (cheers): he trusted they knew what he meant by strong Governments. (Cheers and smiles.) They were now assured of the removal of a man who had in the most insolent manner defied the will of Russia—the wish of Austria—the desire of Naples —and the hopes of the Two Sicilies: of a man of most dangerous character; for it so ened that he never put a bold front upon a question that, somehow or the other, he didn’t carry it to a triumphant issue. But the sun of Patmerston was set; and already he heard the satisfied growl of the Northern Bear—the rejoicing scream of the Austrian Eagle. In conclusion, he would give them the “ Balance of Power;” by which he meant a torn and tattered constitution in one scale, with the down-weighing sword of his master in the other. (Cheers. Two Sictses gave the next toast; “A Speedy Rise in the Sulphur Market.” He felt that the removal of the pestilent PatmensTon was a great boon to universal despotism; and, connected as he believed despotism to be with the briskest trade in sulphur, he felt that both despotism and brimstone had been materially served by the disgrace and discomfiture of Lorp Patmzrstoy. His downfall was a great day for Europe; and the news would lighten the large heart of the Kine or Nartes; a heart large as the largest bomb-shell; it would carry confusion and despair into the dungeons of political traitors. Fraxce was called upon for a toast; but excused himself: his feelings, he said, could be better PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CTITARIVARI. | furti | satisfaction and that at put | regret that (he would no further ll conceived than described ; and though he had felt it a duty to be t on the occasion, he had heard nothing through the electric telegraph since the retirement of the Minister. He, however, had no doubt that his master the Emp—— he meant the President, would on all occasions be found unani- mous with Austria and Russia. Greece attempted to give utterance to his feelings; but entirely failed her than to express a mingled — satisfaction of the world, last out,— allude to the Pactrico question) —he was not extingui long ago. Prussia a representing Prussia’s monarch) ea speech ; but from the mysticism that pervaded it, our Reporter cannot venture to say whether Prussta ved or disap- proved ; hoped saytbieg or | ted ything ; promised ° thing. Neither ‘t plain on Reporter that fire PALMERSTON, was was our whether Prussia gave a toast or chanted a sentiment. After a while the conversation drib- bled into small-talk ; and as the wine went round, many innuendoes were cast upon the absent. America had sent an excuse; was going out to a quiet game at whist. Brrorum was entertaining a happy juvenile party ; SARDINIA was previously engaged ; whilst Sram, Ponrvear, and the NeTwertanns were ill with the in- fluenza. However, the festivity was kept up | with increasing — and it was not until a very late hour that the guests (a few them flushed with wine and hope) d d. Several of them emb . “a expressions of mutual sym y support. We bad almost forgotten to state that an effigy of Lonp Patwenston was burnt in the court-yard of the house of the ambassadorial host; all the company, one feeling animatin them, dancing hand-in-hand (inked slav’ry, long drawn out,”) around the | conflagration. Disraeli in a Pickle. In speaking of Disnaztt’s “ political biography” of Lorn Gronce Ben- TincK, the Times, in allusion to what it calla the “ vain attempt to sanctify paltry feelings,” asks “why all this stuff is to be reprinted?” and adds, | “ flies in amber are pretty enough, bat a scorpion in spirits is only to be tole- rated in Fy an contem- porary should have said, “a scorpion out of spirits ;” for the work, besides being rather venomous towards political | antagonists, is insufferably dull, Freedom of Election in France. Tue next edition of the Almanacks will, we trust, contain an addition to | the names of the Potentates of Europe, | and hesides the Elector of this or that | small state, we shall expect to see the announcement of Hopson as Elector | of France; for there cannot be the slightest doubt that Louts Naronzow is Honson’s choice. f

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12 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARLI. | FUNNY MARKET AND WITTY INTELLIGENCE. E regret tosay the Funny Market has been heavy, | in consequence of al! the | Christmas orders having been executed, and many of the goods—bads and indifferents—not having gone off with the public so well as the dealers had expected. Some of the retailers appear to have overstocked themselves with the inferior sort of jokes, and several sample packets—including half- a-dozen conundrums, half-a-dozen puns, with an anecdote and a charade in verse, for one guinea the packet—have remained on hand; and until Twelfth Night comes round, there is no chante of a market, The regular jokers complain very bitterly of the practice that is now so prevalent among the public, of making their own jokes at home, or leaving the business in the hands of a domestic wag—a class, of which there is now one in nearly every family. A professed punster who has been in the habit of receiving more invitations than he could attend to ut this season of the year, assures us that he with difficulty picked up a dinner on Christmas Day, and that his engagements for New Year’s ive will scarcely pay for his lemon-coloured kid gloves, and the washing of his white waistcoat. An old Wag assures us that if he were to confine himself to the legitimate business of /acetia, there | would be nothing for him to do; and that he Only manages to make | both ends meet, by adding conjuring tricks and the cornet-A-piston to| the more regular branches of his profession. A well-known “funny dog,” Si who did a great deal in the Ethiopian Serenader line, even up to last | year, has found so little encouragement, that he intends washing his| hands—and face—of the whole concern, and selling off his bones at 5tb for twopence—the regular marine-store price—as soon as possible. ADMIRAL FLAMBO’S CORRESPONDENCE. ApmrraL Framso presents his compliments to Mr. Punch, and begs him to insert the following correspondence, The Admiral will not make any comment on Lorp BussieLy’s conduct in the matter— further than just to say, that it is mean, audacious, treacherous, treasonable, dishonourable to the country and to himself, and likely to leave us exposed to a French invasion, by causing the Admiral to decline saving the country. P “To Lonp BuBBLecy. “My Lorp,—I am informed that there is a probability of there being a vacancy soon in the following departments:—the Channel Fleet—the command at Plymouth—and the Board of Admiralty. As, of course, you want (for the sake of the country) to reward able men, | beg to undertake to occupy them all. IL ama man of distinguished | courage and abilities, “ Your obedient servant, . “ Roverscrarer Framso.” 2. “Lorp Busstery presents his compliments to Apwrrat FLamno. Not doubting his courage, though somewhat fearing his discretion, he | does not definitely promise him the appointments.” , | treated with contempt by a 3. “ To Lonp BUBBLELY. “My Lorp,—After taking Dom Micvet’s fleet, I am not to be Grenadier, to be now defeated by the Pigmy. “ Holding these views, my Lord, I beg qr! to ask, —_ her you | Iscretion, and magna- | do not think me a man of courage, genius, cool discre! nimity? Everybody in Europe attributes these qualities to me. “In anticipation of your Lordship’s appointments, I have ordered my | portmanteau to be forwarded to the ‘ George,’ at Portsmouth. | “ RouGHSCRAPER FLamno,” 4. _“Lorp Busstety acknowledges Apmrrat FLamno’s letter ; repeats his opinion ; postpones his appoimtment.” 5. “My Lorp,—When I commanded the Ripper, in the North Sea, and beat off the French fri I saved this country. France is upon us if my portmanteau has to be returned from Portsmouth. “T shall forward you forty-two long letters, on the subject of my services, at an early period. You will then see what sort of man I am | —if you are able to see anything. “| expect your efforts on my behalf. “ RovGHscRAPER FLamso.” “Lorp Bussrety bas received Apmimat Frampo’s letter, and appointed ApmrraL Stvsss to the commands which he solicits.” “My Lonp,—You are famous fot ihdisereet epistles, and I shall | expose you in Punch, France is in arms! I am not glad of it; far from it. But I know what will become of our coantry—with me in | retirement, SrubBs prosperous, and @ person like you in power. “ Roveusckarer Framso.” CHRONICLES OF 1854.—NOTABILIA. Jan, \st. Tae first penny train started from Westminster Bridge to London Bridge, and walked the arches “ like a thing of life,” stopping at the intermediate bridges. 5th. Great commotion at the Parliament Scijrs and Pedlar’s Acre, on | which was erected foul of Father toon te the breaking of the estminster rary brit on the site of old ridge, no Thames. Five hundred souls, seven omnibuses, four brewers’ drays, and | ten Pagoda advertising-vans immersed ; the bodies whereof would have been lost but for the prevailing custom of wearing AYKBOURNE’s Life-Buoys. The Watermen’s Company of Steamers, laid up in ordinary off Richmond Gardens, lately converted into floating capital as places for aquatic entertainment and abodes, proved very useful for the refuge of the sons of the Thames, to whom their father gave so cold a reception. 10¢A. The area of Smithfield thrown open to the people as a Hortus ceus, being perfectly open to daylight, and covered with glass, after the jashion of the Crystal Palace. 154. Subscriptions entered into by the inhabitants of Regent, Oxford, and Bond Streets, Piccadilly, and Holborn, to keep the tempe- rature of these causeways, now glazed over, up to degrees of Fahrenheit. 20¢4. A remarkable instance of celerity in Public Works excited on this day great popular attention ; viz., the insertion of the fourth basso- relievo on Nelson’s Monument, and the fixing-up of the pedestal for the first of the English lions. 25¢h. Repairs commenced on the pian’ terreno or ground story of the Houses of Lords and Commons, which discovered symptoms of remature decay. The superstructure not being yet complete, the ormer had to be restored for the sake of umty of design, before its | finish, which the Architect computes may take place in about ten years. Feb. 1st. The colossal Model Lodging Howes, formerly called Hanover | Square, gave a Conversazioné to the inmates of the rival Lodging House | (late Soho Square), and lectures, diversified by music, were given in the |grand Library attached to the establishment, occupying the ancient foundation ot Harewood House. Cospey, F.O’Connor, and Ernest JONES, were inaugurated to square with Pitt. 5¢h. The first view of the Cathedral ever offered to the citizens was afforded this day, by removing the hoarding which surrounded the south side of Paternoster Row, the whole of which, together with the north side of St. Paul’s Churchyard, was demolished. Great consterna- | tion amongst the Dean and Chapter at being shown up too clear! March \5th. Brilliant entertainment ai fresco, given on the ice by the | | Corporation, at which Astiey’s Troupe added tothe pomp. A bullock | | was roasted whole by electricity, and the assembled company (including | the Patten Makers) danced the Pas de Pattineurs, | Mont’s pump in Piccadilly, looking very well, considering his long | immersion ; and the first man (for four years) raised the pump handle, which was succeeded by a jet that was considered pure, and of the first water—considering the source and vicinage of the spring! day in the Crystal Palace, where 50,000 persons assembled ; every one was allowed a bouquet of exotics, and the name of Paxton never was in better odour. The mob cheered at Apsley House, which its eyes (the ferruginous blinds) the first time since the former obsolete Chartist movement. z | 30¢h. The last stone of ——- Palace gateway was chiselled | this day with a wreath of roses, which was considered to be, if not the | perfection of architecture, at least the flower of perfection. 20¢h. The Last Man came up from the well-hole of Bansen Beav- | 95th. An Aggregate Meeting of the Temperance Society was held this | hig nobleman. I did not beat off the | ’ eral ; a 4 3ls¢. A remarkably genial day; the town, full of rank, poured out its | | trains of splendidly attired fashionables—their equi having been | sent in advance by the railways. The new Park at Richmond, wi fountains, statues, and wonders of floriculture, never th its ae | ‘bewitching; the Grand Avenue for equestrians was thronged with | | blooming beauty in Bloomer costume, and the Temples of the Muses and Graces were filled with their votaries, who now consider Hyde | Park and the Regent’s but smoky sluices, and a bore.

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13 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ARMY INTELLIGENCE. *3 Club, December 31, 1851. Srr Casstan Cream presents his compliments to Mr. Punch, and, as a military man, begs to offer a remark whch may be useful in preventing much idle discussion on the of civilians. There have been, lately, | several very absurd done by the newspaper people respecting the large hair caps worn by Grenadiers, calculated to bring that their uniform into ridieule and disuse. Perhaps, neither Mr. nor an enlightened British public, are aware that the article in question happens to be one of the most formidable means that our army employs to strike terror in the ranks of an enemy. Not to take up too much of Mr. Punch’s space (which, by-the-bye, Sra _C. C. may be pardoned for observing, might be occupied more appropriately than by the discussion of questions concerning which Mr. P. can know nothing,) the fact is, that the caps of the Grenadiers, upon the same ingenious principle that Chinese shields are painted with hideous faces, were designed to alarm, confuse, and paralyse the efforts of the foe ; and, when Mr. Punch is told that, in close fighting, each man of the gallant Grenadiers places | his cap on the point of his bayonet and shouts BO! at the top of his | voice, the panic may be more easily imagined than described. Sim C. Cream thinks that even a newspaper press must admit that it is not such a very useless appendage, after all. —_ Punch, Esq., Se. Fe. Fe. THE LAND PIRATES OF THE DOCKS. Tue merchants of London, especially those connected with the London Jock Companies, are loudly complaining of the losses which they con- tinually incur thro depredations, which may be styled Custom-house robberies. These gross and monstrous thefts are perpe- trated by means of a regularly organised system of plunder. A set of fellows in the character of Custom-house officials, provided with authority technically legal, make seizures of the merchants’ goods under the pretence that the proprietors have been guilty of some infringement of the Revenue Laws. e sufferers are left to seek redress by a series of actions in the law courts, which, by a preconcerted arrangement, are made necessarily ruinous; the defendants, under the abused protection of the Crown’s name, being liable to no costs. A desperate attempt to obtain justice was lately made by some of the victimised parties, who, how- ever, recoiled from the Pm add the frightful expense they were threatened with, in case they persisted in their suit. They so far, how- ever, succeeded in their object as to drive their plunderers to a com- promise ; thus virtually eliciting from them a confession of roguery, which the knaves endeavoured to slur over in an official letter, insinuating re a tissue of falsehoods. It is much to be regretted that this unprincipled | bull iy gang is encouraged and protected by persons of station, and, we suppose | we must say, , connected ath the Treasury. An individual of ithe highest influence in Downing Street, who is well known to be ‘capable of exercising a control over these banditti if he pleases, was lately applied to in the hope of inducing him to restrain their outrages: | | but we are sorry to say that he expressed himself, in a measure, as the apologist of the fellows, although poaites that some inquiry should | |be made as to their practices. It is to state that the chiefs of | these freebooters keep out of sight, that their 7. 7 are effected by mere agents, who are y unaware whether they are enforcing the law or stealing. In these days, when highway robberies are almost unknown, it is intolerable that acts of omy unjustifiable spoliation | should be openly committed in the Docks warehouses of the City of London. It is to no purpose that Sra James Brooxe has destroyed the pirates of the Indian Archipelago, if British commerce is still to be —— to the ravages of the land corsairs that nestle in the Board of ustoms. © LINES TO BROTHER JONATHAN. Ou, Jonatuan ! dear Jonatuan! a wretched world we see ; There ’s scarce a freeman in it now, excepting you and me. {n soldier-ridden Christendom the sceptre is the sword ; | The statutes of the nation from the cannon’s mouth are roar’d. } Ordnance the subject multitude for ordinance obey ; |The bullet and the bayonet debate at once allay : |The mouth is gagg’d, the Press is stopp’d, and we remain alone With power our thoughts to utter, or to call our souls our own, They hate us, Brother Jonatuan, those tyrants ; they detest The island sons of liberty, and freemen of the West ; It angers them that we survive their savage will to stem ; A sign of hope unto their slaves—a sign of fear to them. Right gladly would they bind our tngees with joy arrest our pens ; Immure our best and bravest men enchained in bestial dens ; Bend our stiff necks to Priestcraft’s yoke, and bow the heads we rear | ’Gainst craven superstition, to the dust in abject fear. i Stand With me, Brother Jonatuay, if ever need should be ; Still be it ours to show the world that nations can be free ; Not as almost each people in sad Europe now appears, Ruled with a despot’s iron rod, a race of mutineers. IY 5 iN ae a 1 I \ esa 5 ail RA Ky. Old Gent. “ You sex, my Dean, taat tux Eanta turns on ITs OWN | AXx1s, AND MaKEs Ong RevoLuTion rnounp Tur Sun gacu Yean.” Young Revolver. “Tuzn, Pa, Dors France tuxn on 1178 Own Axis WHEN IT MAKES ITS Revo.uTions ?” Old Gent. “No, wy Dean, it TURNS on ITs Baronets. Howzven, THAT'S NOT A QuesTION in AsTRONOMY.” Lord Palmerston in Danger. We understand that the ex-Foreign Secretary has been compelled to seta strong and faithful watch about Broadlands. Even during the festivities of Christmas week, he was very nearly kidnapped by a des- perate body of Protectionists (the chief parties are known), resolved, it has since appeared, to carry off the noble Lord, and cajole or compe! him to become no better than one of themselves. Errtomez or Frexcn Lisenty.—Universal suffering and vote by et. Vou, XXII.

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e + PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | have several tons, now awaiting the leisure of our butterman. As we PUNCH AND HIS CORRESPONDENTS. the new year in peace, we are sorry to say that we have been disappointed, and that “Our rest has been broken by riddle and pun.” | we are obliged t great mass of i behind | the fire. In an unguarded mo- ment, we gave admission, a week or two ago, to a conundrum from Liver- pool, by a “young gal,” | whose friends write to in-| form us that she has never | been the same creature since, and that having once tasted the intoxicating sweets of our page, she thirsts for another sip of | e maddening luxury. They entreat us to make room for one more | 1estion from the infatuated juvenile, whose senses are evidently | whirling away in a melancholy reel, and who asks, “ Why are persons | born deaf the most virtuous of beings?” The reply, written m a} hand betraying delirium tremens in an intense degree, alleges, that | those born deaf are the most virtuous, beeause they never err'd.”” We entreat the relatives of this “young gal” to call in Da. WaxsLow | while there is yet time. Some well-intentioned, but extremely irritating person, who writes from Bath (if he were not there already, we should have told him to go there), has more than “ a little dashed our spirits” with the following: | “Tf Lovuts Naporgon take liberty from the press, what will be the | product ?—Dead letters !” We are not generally of a speculative turn, but we would bet a 1a’porth of hardbake to an Archimedian screw of tobacco, that no one will be able to see the wit of the above monstrosity. We are always unwilling to discourage industry, even when its re- ilts are rather deficient in value, and it is therefore with some reluctance that we crush any insane hopes that may have arisen in the deluded breast of the manufacturer of the following. It will be seen| that there is a vast masse of material employed, and a quantity of | labour bestowed, on a matter Which, when completed, excites rage | rather than satisfaction. he irritating affair is provokingly called “ A Con ron Cuxistmas.” | “ Why is a young lady who walks under the mistletoe like an old lady | standing on the of the pavement at Charing Cross with three | parcels, a basket, an umbrella ?—Because she is looking out for a} It would be idle to ask what the author of the above atrocity is| looking out for, and it would perhaps be harsh to tell him what he | ought to expect, [t is a remarkable and melancholy fact, that age is no cuarantee against delinquency ; for a gray-beard, writing from Chelsea—we hope » is not in the Hospital, contaminating the veterans of that glorious institution—asks, “ What savoury dish his son in prison resembles ?” and the reply of the wretched malefactor is, “Jugg’d hair (heir).” l'here is an evident familiarity with the slang of the criminal population in this assault upon our better feelings; for “‘jugged” is only synony- mous with “inearcerated” im the very vulgarest portions of the vulgar tongue. It was not to be expected that the correspondence, or rather the dif- ference between Lorp Joun Russet and Apmrrat Naprer should be | allowed to pass, without its being made use of as an instrument of torture to us, at the hands of a cold unfeeling world; and we have, accordingly, been coolly assailed with the following, amidst some million more, from the effects of which we are slowly, but by no means surely, recovering :— “What kind of dose is that which a celebrated Admiral has admini- stered to the Premier, in the Times of Dec. 19th?—A-N-aPizR-IeNnT!” We cannot close the painful subject of our correspondence, without | entreating the public to send us no more jokes about THreas, and tears, | and Turers’ parti, and quatre, and tierce, and volun-teers, of which we | get rid of our waste paper by weight, and as much of it contains extra- ordinarily heavy jokes, thereis, after all, some value in the dullest of our avine hoped to have begun correspondents. They are therefore at liberty to send as usual, A WILTSHIRE CAROL. BY A HAPPY PEASANTRY. Tre origin of the English local ballads is, in most instances, lost in We have serious thoughts ‘the mist of antiquity. Circumstances, however, do still, occasionally, of indieting the postman as | evoke these effusions of the provincial mind. In many parts of Wilts— anuisance, for bringing us | where, we understand, the farmers have reduced their labourers’ wages | the mass of correspondenee | to 5s. and 6s. a week, and in order to force them to accept these _— with which he invades the | certain squires and parsons have taken away the skim-milk which had | sanctity of our hearth; for | previously been allowed them—the rural echoes resound with a plaintive | throw the | ditty, something to the following tenor :— Six shillings a week, and no more milk ; And that’s the way poor folks they bilk, In their purple, fine linen, and broad cloth, and silk. And ’twill be a happy New Year for we ! Onur eyes they gets holler, our cheeks sinks in, Our legs is mere spindles, our sides is as thin; To keep a pig so they would say ’twas a sin. Six shillings, &c. The ’squires and the parsons preaches content, Whilst they puts us to this here pun-ish-ment, With our wages serewed down to keep up tithes and rent. ix shi &e. Bomba in Raptures. Wuew the news of Bowararte’s coup d’état was brought to Bomsa, it is said that, im a paroxysm of delight at the tidings, his volcanic Majesty actually embraced the officer who bore them. We should not like to be embraced by Bompa. The embrace of | Boma is suggestive of the kiss of Jopas. In Bomsa’s arms one would almost feel as if in those of the Popish image, which, in clasping | you to its bosom, pierced your own with daggers, [t is a pity that Bomwsa had a mere officer to fraternise with. How happy he might have been in the hug of the Russian Bear ! The Member for Bodmin the greatest of Mathematicians. Ly histories old, a fast knot to unloose, Was what, we are told, had foiled many a goose ; Till Great Alexander excited men’s wonder By taking his sabre to cut it asunder. To tyros m Euclid the Pons Asinorum Is always a problem that’s certain to floor ’em. That ’s nothing !—but when a professor, in vain, In squaring the circle, has puzzled his brain,— Lo! Wyld found the secret, and made the world stare, Who solves it by bringing a Globe to a Square. THE HEAT OF THE DAY. Severat of the “insurgents,” whose rising seems to have been confined to their getting up at the usual hour on the morning of the Second of December, are to be sent to Cayenne, Many of them think themselves fortunate in surviving to go to Cayenne, instead of having been unmercifully peppered on the Boulevards. THE NEW BATCH OF OMNIBUSES. Tue bakers call the new batch of 1d. and 2d. omnibuses that run down Oxford Street and Holborn—“*The Penny and Twopenny Busters.” “Best Price given for Old Bags.” BANK-NOTES are made, as we all know, of rags; but we never could imagine they would fall lower in value than the materials they were made of. And yet this is positively the case with the Anstrian bank- notes.” The people will not have them at any price—not even at the price given for Old Rags ! ADVICE TO YOUNG GENTLEMEN. Don’t degrade yourselves by gambling on the Turf; if you do, the veriest blacklegs will become your BETTERS. a eS sta the | Wi yor he! =

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| * , burning and shining lights are cartridges and rockets ? | the mind of Young France in peace. | your truly militant Church exterminated the Albigenses. | torule them. They like the taste of it. | but for Mr. Punch, respecting the choice of an independent people, to give in his | or whatever they may be styled, will stand him. | was offered for a successful act of perjury. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 15 THE SUPPORTERS OF THE POPE. (To Mi. rx Comte pe MontaLemBeRt.) “MM. uz Comte, “You, and M. Darras, and the rest of your party, who believe the Popedom to be the Lord Lieu- tenancy of Heaven, and who there- fore desire to see it co-extensive with this planet, (if you admit the earth to be a planet, and do not believe it to be the centre of the universe,) proclaim that Lours Na- POLEON has saved France. He has saved his bacon for the present ; whether he will ultimately save that or anything else, remains to be seen. “ Your ailection for the President of the French Kepublic—or what- ever, by the time this comes to hand. he may call himself—has, i own, been earned by the — which maintain the Pope at e and the bullets that have cleared the way for the Jesuits at Paris. “Ts it not a maxim of that confederacy which you are pleased to call ‘the Church,’ that he who flanks the priesthood with artillery, covers a multitude of sins? At least he covers not a few sinners, some one might say—some heretic who ought to be roasted; a punishment than which, as your organ, the Umivers, says, ‘nothing is more natural :’—a tigerly growl, tlus, [rom your opish organ. , “Your Pore’s kingdom is not of this world—and therefore his servants fight. This is the right reading, is it not? ‘Put up thy sword,’ signifies ‘Charge bayonets ?’ “Why not preach this religion to the eye, M. le Comte? Why not fortify every pulpit | with a couple of howitzers—plant field-pieces between the candlesticks on each altar ? “Such might have been the appointments of a church in which a solemn thanksgiving A fitting incense for such a sacrifice would have been the fumes of gunpowder. “And so your Church militant is a Church that militates with lead and iron, and her And the Propaganda of your Gospel is a masked battery ? “You will still have your martyrs, but now they will be not yourselves, but those who stand in your way. And these enemies annihilated or down-trodden, your clergy will possess Will they be content with the subjugation of Young France? Do not the friars of all Europe thirst for the conquest of Old England ? Would they not—if they could—instigate a crusade for that holy purpose? The sword of In dealing with us Anglican heretics, also, your motto, perhaps, would be, ‘ Kill or Cure.’ “ Having suggested a motto for you—a truer legend than any other you can boast of— accept, M. le Comte, the assurance of the distinguished consideration with which I am, “One who keeps a sharp look-out upon you and your confederates, “ And may therefore subscribe himself your constant “Tuspecton” Our Adhesion to Mr. Bonaparte. Taz French bave formally kissed the iron rod with which Louis NaroLgow proposes Every nation to its liking. Nothing, then, remains adhesion to Ma. Bonaparte, as President of the French Republic—or, in more correct language, of the French what-d’ ye-call-it ?—durande bene placito : twat is, as long as his subjects, or constituents, Punch repeats that he gives in his adhesion to Louis Naroizon ; and whilst Louis NaPoLZon continues to merit Punch’s notice, Puach | to go throngh the Insolvent Debtor’s Court. | Staff in its reduced state, what must it have been before it was cut down? | to proceedings nominally of a legal character. will certainly stick to him. A& NATION THAT CAN PAY, AND WON’? PAY, SHOULD BE MADE TO PAY. Tne Portuguese Government will not pay its debts. If it is insolvent, we recommend it In fact, from the shortness of its means, we should say that the Capital of Portugal was in Portugal Street, and the Insolvent Debtor's Court was placed there expressly out of compliment to its Government. Something Like a Staff ! Tue “Reduced Staff” of the Commissioners of Sewers is £18,321 ayear. If this is the It must have been so tremendously long, that we wonder they ever got anyone to balance it. Te Law or Micnt.—The retirement of Loxp Pasmenstow will, it is ex , give rise 0 pre A mandamus will be issued by the different Continental Courts, and in every one of them the rule will be made absolute. New Nava Oxper.—It is said that a new Naval Order is about to be instituted,—namely the Order of Modesty. Of course Six Cuanues Napier insists upon being the very first decorated. ALARMING INCIDENT ON THE GREAT WESTERN RAILWAY. Tune.—* The Bay of Bissay, 01” (Bee Bath Journal.) Our pace fell slack and slow, we lay, Sto midwa) On the Western Ratlee, 0! Hallo! what ’s this—a station ? Is several tongues’ demand : 8 observation «Well. — ee a ,”’ is the reply, ° ‘shat's the mine ns why ? This delay— Wherefore—eh ? On the Western Railway, 0!” The minutes slowly roll on, don't proceed ; Now danger ’s ugly spectres Upon our throng ; We blame the line’s Directors In language rather strong : “Confound those stingy souls ! No doubt we’re out of coals,” Sore did say, As we lay On the Western Railway, O ! We knock, and stamp, and clatter, Upon the carriage floor, And asking what ’s the matter ? The guard and stoker bore ; Till both men closed their jaws, And would assign no cause Why we lay, At a stay, On the Western Railway, O! Collision wisely fearing, Our seats we quit outright ; And piles of hedgesticks rearing, To warm us, bonfires light. And hampers some Lest supper they sh lack, if we lay Till next day, On the Western Railway, O ! Three mortal hours we waited, In fidget and in stew, Upon the line, belated ; The down mail nearly due ! Oh! what a smash there’!! be, Unless it stops! thought we, Whilst we lay, Pale as whey, — On the Western Railway, O ! Our hearts almost despairing At last of Christmas beef, — Down with two engines beari The goods trais brought relist, Ours their spare engine steers ; We = with cheers, ? , *Fore the gale On the Western Railway, O!

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i “wa 4

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GOING TO COVER, Voice in the distance. “ Now, tuen, Surtu—Come atone !” Smith. “On, tv's ALL VERY WELL TO say, COME ALONG! WHEN PRINCE “HALLE.” TE Ladies of the Halle have been again to the Elysée, on a visit to Louis Napoteoy, who seems to have taken them completely under his protection. It is just as absurd as if Prince ALBERT were to turn the patron saint of the Fish- women of Billingsgate and to receive them, an give them champagne uncheons at Bucking- ham Palace—for the Halle is, for refinement of speech and elegance of lady-like demeanour, quite the Billingsgate of Paris. Our incorrigible friend Brier ess, who will have his joke upon every possible subject, and whose bad jokes, we suppose, we must excuse on account of the very ones he frequently makes, accounts for this strange patronage of Louis Napo.gzon for the Halle, “as = more nor less than a Halle-Lovts-cination (halluci- mation).

Increase of the Forces. It is stated that a new corps is about to be raised, the officers of which will be drafted from certain crack regiments, and will consist of gentlemen who have peculiarly qualified themselves to belong to it, by Soliven themselves from serving in any other. The corps in goesting will be denominated the Heavy Defaulters, and will form the se Division of the Royal Horse Guards (Black). Tae ONLY CoMPLIMENTS ONE OUGHT EVER TO PAY.—The Compli- ments of the Season. 16 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

HE WON’T MOVE A STEP; AND 1’M AFRAID HE’S GOING TO LIE DOWN.”

WHY DID LORD PALMERSTON RESIGN? Tuis is a question which seems to puzzle all the wisest heads among the gossiping circles; and all that is known seems to prove nothing but the utter ignorance of the best-informed classes of society. We have employed our own correspondent, and we have sent out several of our own eaves-droppers, who have been hanging about the neighbourhood of Downing Street day after day, without | anything, satisfactory or otherwise. An indefatigable penny-a-liner whom we have set on to the job, and who is to be paid “ piece-work” for all the news he gets, has written a letter to nD Patmerstow every day, to ask him “ point-blank” the cause of his having resigned ; and the penny-a-liner has even added, that “a dinner for a most deserving person upon the result.” But notwithstanding all this, the Ex-Secretary for Foreign Affairs takes no notice of the application. We have had some idea of writing to the Sunday Times, Bell's Life, or Family Herald—for those authorities are kind enough to answer every- | thing in the world once a week—but it suddenly occurred to us, that if | we were to ask ourselves the question, instead of writing to anybod else, we might save the postage-stamp. We accordingly have am | ourselves the question—“ Why Lorp Patmenston resigned?” and, with our usual politeness, we sent ourselves an immediate answer, to the effect—that his Lordship resigned, because he couldn’t help it.

Newspaper Arithmetic. One of our morning contemporaries, in a very fair article upon Government nepotism, has the following rather tron A passage :— “ Of fifteen Cabinet Ministers, nine are related by blood or affinity ; eight are Members of the House of Lords; three are sons, or brothers, of Members of the House of Lords; and the remaining four are allied by blood or marriage to Members of the House of Lords.” Now, as twenty-four into fifteen will not go, so, out of fifteen, twenty- four will not come, by any process that we are arpeeies with. How | there can be four pone when twenty have already been disposed of out of fifteen, is one of those nuts we are unable to crack.

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bl i ee ee Ee | —_ THERE’S ALWAYS SOMETHING. ; NT FEE “I’m very sonry, Patwzrston, THAT YOU CANNOT AGREE WiTn your Fettow Servants; Bot as I Don't ree ” INCLINED TO PART WitH JouN, YOU MUST GO, OF COURSE. January 10, 1852.

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PUNCH, OR teat : | RAILWAY MEETING IN CONSTANTINOPLE. | (From the Galata Gazette.) Nomenovs and Meeting was held, a| few days since, at the “Spicy Turban” Cof- fee-house, Street of the Water-pots, Constan- tinople. The meeting was not called for any particular purpose, but ere was a general im- pression, among those who attended, that the 9 crew Egyptian Railwey was to be the subject of conversation, and “if anything came of it,” as the promoters of the meeting cautious! worded the ronan | “they would see what happened next.” This programme, conceived in am eminently na-| | tional spirit, had been | | published, orally, for some days, and so large was the attendance, that the coffee-house k himself was actually obliged—with many male- | dietions on his miiatenes—to get up and assist his slaves in serving sweetmeats and sherbet. This shows how incalculable is the influence | of the Railway, that mighty engine of intercourse, which—{ Having | | heard something of this kind before, we have ventured to compress | our res contem: * As there was no Enis, mabedy took it; but Stapnapsee Bey, pre- | ferrimg the stool near the fountain, made a motion (with his finger) | that the previous occupant should leave it. This motion did not fall to the ground for want of seconding, because the origina! mover seconded it | with his foot; but the party most interested did. (Shouts of Afiert- | olsun !/—May it do you good !) The meeting smoked for two hours (the silence having been broken | only by an uncivil wish, by one of the party, in reference to the tomb of the father of a tobacconist who had sold him some exceptionable tom-bok), after which— StaPHapsee Bey o the business of the day, by remarking— ** Wallah Billah!’’ (Sensation.) After a pause of twenty minutes, the speaker resumed. A//ah kerim, but we live in sharp times. ‘Things alter every day. What once was new is now old. (Applause.) Everything must be as it must. You cannot get coffee out of charcoal, nor roasted mutton out of the hind leg of an ass. (4 Whose dog was SterHensoy, that he \pplause.) should teach the Faithful how to go on their journeys ? WossLecaw Errewpt was of the same opinion as the last speaker, whose words, he said, were like the trickling of treacle from the bung- hole of acask. Backallum, we shall see—the meeting should see; but these Franks talked like dragons. He had himself gone the journey which the Frank now proposed to go in his newfangled manner. He had crossed the sea—accursed be the days and nights !—in a Frankish vessel, at great cost, and his very sou! had been turmed round within him, until even brandy (Sensation), he meant sherbet, had lost its sweetness to his mouth. ‘Ihe land-journey had taken him weeks, and he had seen the faces of many moons, and now this SrerH=nson would = perform it in afew hours! He would again remark, Backallum. Howtor Sxroncer (a barber) had heard much talk of these rail- | ways. So far as he could learn, they exactly resembled the Gehenna | of the Moslem, for you had flames and roaring sounds around you ; the iron line on which you went was narrow as that of Al Sirdt, and if you got off it, you went, as an American patient had told him, to etarnal smash. (Sensation, and cries of “ Slafferillah !’’—Heaven forbid /) Larrurt Muss had been told that the Franks allowed their wives to journey in this manner. This observation was the cause of con- siderable delay in the business, as the allusion to the wives instantly reminded every gentleman present of some anecdote illustrative of the | unworthiness of women, and the various narrations (interrupted for a short time by the hour of prayer) oceupied a large part of the morning. Boaz KissaLert said that he had spoken with the man who had gone to the great Show, commanded by the King of England, in his new Palace of Di . ‘That man had told him wonders, and he rather believed he had heard lies, but they were pleasant as the jangling of the bells of Paradise. Concerning these railways, they were the work of magicians. If you entered them, you were stripped of your goods, much money was taken of you, oe were forbidden, under dreadful | your pipe. Thrust into a box, you sat ona — aprecations, to kindle harder than the nether milistone, and then a scream of a demon was 19 heard, and the box flew away of its own accord over the tops of mountains, and into the deep bowels of the earth. At last it stopped, and you were pulled out by soldiery ; and those on whom ALLan smiled in their birth, received back their goods, or, it might be, received the goods of others (but of less value) ; but to receive anything was the lot of few, the goods ‘ the stood fiends, with pomting usually children of t who had trivances of the magicians—sons, in fact, of burnt fathers. with brass armour, and with eyes of carbu an Solomon himself, rolled hither and thither on wheels, spitting white smoke, and whistling, and—— been scalded or roasted by the eon- Along the way in mockery, and these were Demons, | neles, larger than those of | Stapnapser Bey. Your face is darkened, O Myeas, the lyingest old ™ man in Stamboul. Are we children? Have wedrunk wine ? The preceding speaker intimated that, as far as he was concerned, no | such luck had occurred. Starnapser Bey. How, then, child of many pumpkins? Are we to | believe that these English have demons im their service? Since when have they shown themselves conjurors, I pray you? Are we Cuber. and children of donkeys? Is not my dentist a Frenchman? may his wrenching irons and other extortions be accursed! and bas he not spoken? These English are made fools in all waters. Here, and by the dogs of Athens, who were once our dogs, but are so no longer for theirsins. Also, in the waters of Franee, where my dentist informs me— may his knives and his lancets enter imto his own stomach'—no English flag dares be seen. Also im the waters of the South, where terrible black men, with spears a hundred yards long, even now pick them out of their ships before they can land. These English are 40sh—nothing, nowhere: and who are you, with your lying wonders? Speak, son of stupefaction, and say at how many bottles of wine will you redeem your ugly feet from the bastinado, as my tongue hungers and thirsts to order you ? ‘ Bocaz Kissateni (humbly). Is it for me to stint my lord’s drink, or say when it shall cease? Let the wine be brought: it is for him to cry when he hath enough. » Stapnapsee Bey. Your face is whitened, O Bocaz, and shines like the moon. Enough of these railways, Let the door be barred, that scandal be not given to those well-meaning, but shallow persons, who, not reading A! Koraun in a non-natural sense, deem wine prohibited to the faithful. Mushallah—Look alive! BAILIFFS. Tare of woe is not exactly in Punch’s line; yet for once in the way, per- haps, our ak PITY THE POOR Door and Scene close, | ers | will put up with | a narrative which is as brief as it | is affecting. The Hampshire Independent re- lates that, “ At Liverpool, a few days ago, three she- rif_ly’ officers boarded the steam-ship Ba/tie, when on the point of sailing for New York. . They stated that they = were in search of ap abseonding debtor, aod asa ( ats Com- eTetx refused to wait i they found him, contrary.” they were carried off, notwithstanding all their entreaties tothe Poor fellows! What must have been their suffering in being thus | severed from their wives and children! sensitive than another man to the misery of such @ separation, from having been so often a witness of its attendamt pangs. Think of the melancholy situation of three men of a calling peculiarly contemptible and odious in nautical eyes, friendless amd derisive sailors! Imagine the coarse jests which would probably be A bailiff must be more , helpless amongst a set of | made on their features and their persuasion, if both the former and the | latter—as is most. likely the case—were Hebrew! Unthinking tars do not consider that the employment of a sheriff's officer is a mecessary one: they d as mere it, ness the humility which is content to | Children of Israel in the hands of the Philistines, may too | truthfally be considered to represent the ease of these unfortunates; | they were as the over-eager hawk that has imprisoned itself in the hen- roost ; or the owl caught in the sunshine, m the midst of a flock of sparrows. Morto vor tre Summanine Terecrara.— Vier La Ligne.” |

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te me aed —s = as Ar eigen ape nates 2 IRS a PUNCIT. OR TIE LONDON CHARTVARL In yonder cart advancing, A load of Wall’s End Coals behold! Quick by the head the horses hold, Tul we have got the gold. ’Tis vain the horses prancing ; To find the money don’t be slow ; Not a coal we allow to go Till we are paid, you know. Diavolo! To every man thus meeting We always are repeating— The money, oh! the money, oh! THE CITY BRIGANDS. But while we thus abuse them Let justice still at least be done ; Out of the City we get some fun, With many a jest and : We can’t afford to lose them. But while they take exacting tolls, We, whose wit the world controls, Must haul them over the coals. Diavolo ! Of the City it truly may be said, Of Punch it has a wholesome dread. Diavolo! | A COUP D'ETAT IN THE STRAND. LTHOUGH no admirers of coups @ état in general, we really should not be sorry to see struck terror—and something else—into the hearts and jackets of the | juveniles. The barricades of omnibuses, coal-wagons, and other articles _ placed along each side of the Lowther Arcade, may promise sport to | the juvenile, but they may be death to the elderly me who | tumbles over them in a vain effort to find a thoroughfare. We fear , | a my effected in | that nothing but a bead-lish coup d’état can effect the object desired. the wther Arcade, by the beadle or President. sae -_ We are sure that public — ts of the Seancn. = rather seedy officer, if he were to seize suddenly on absolute wer, for the purpose of putting down a 2 / d\ the barricades which block ——" aeN up that almost nominal : thoroughfare. Let him at f SS once dissolve the assembly Mm a 1 ZUR i at the cheap china shops. *)| Hi! of. my | Let him silence those op- ——. —_—— position organs which are always making themselves heard at the gates; and } let him serve the true cause of order, by insisting that the customers should pass on after having given their orders to the shopkeepers. We do not see any | quarter from which hostility could be apprehended, as long as the executive has in his hands the whole power of the staf, which has often opinion would second that _We understand that Mr. Bareruess and Mr. Duwvr have paid a visit to the Polytechnic to witness the practical illustration of the rotatory ~ te of the earth ; for it is their only chance of seeing things come round. A WORD FOR OUR JUDICIOUS BOTTLE-HOLDER, Wuatever Lorp Patmerston’s forei Lory Pagy have been, so long as it lasted we have avoided war. We wish is successor in the Foreign Office could be bound over for as long a period to keep the peace. The very best Joke of the Season. To se Soip, IwaepraTe.y, the person who reads this paragraph. Apvice Gratis.—We beg to suggest to the friends of the boa-con — strictor, that if the poor creature, since swallowing the blanket, suffers much pain, a counter-pane might be tried as a remedy. eve

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RSES8S || | reason; the lady not being of princel | married mor, : | the Duchy of Saxe-Wetmar—receive the title of Princess. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL THE RIGHT AND THE LEFT. Tue Graxp Duxe oF Saxe Wertarn — (according to the ecorre- spondent of the Daily News)—has just performed an act of primeely condescension; he has given to the bride of the Prince or Saxs- Weimar, who a short while since merried our Duke or Ricwmonp’s daughter, the title of “Covwress or Dompenc.” And for this courtly} blood “she could only be) atically, or with the left hand,” and cannot—at least in We may not in these columns enter upon the arguments of old schoolmen, who have some of them contended that Eve was formed from the right rib, and others from the left, of Anam: no, we will not pause upon this contest of dexter and sinister; neither will we attempt | to club in with the third party (@eacemakers though they be) who have! suggested that the text might bear the more enlarged interpretation, embracing a little of either side. Nevertheless, we may be permitted to suggest an extension of the morganatic or Jeft-handed principle to other social contracts save that of marriage. If adopted, it might be of great, convenience to tender consciences. Why should not Kaiser, King, or President be allowed to take a morganatic oath to a constitution, holding up his left hand, or with it | holding the Book ?—So that, time and convenience serving, the oath might cease to be binding. We would also have a lower fine for morganatic offences. Amd whereas it may now be charged a pound to deal a blow with the right hand, the assault should pass for half the money, if committed with | the left. Again: if a man accept a bill with his sinister hand, he should only | be liable to pay 10s. in the pound; the penalty of the whole amount | being only reserved for the dexter fingers. might enlarge € trations. But we with a brief suggestive query. matrimony be made a left-handed matter for German princes, and not for the world im general? Have they one side better than the other ? Twelve ribs of common matter—twelve of silver, German silver? If the anatomists and heralds will prove this, then they may be allowed to a left-ribbed wives: bone of their bone, but not metal of their metal. |metal; it is therefore of more consequ ‘the musket, though the latter should be rendered as hea’ the theme, multiplying instances and illus- | hy Why ~ port HINTS FOR THE HORSE GUARDS. TENDING TO THE REFORM AND IMPROVEMENT OF THE ARMY, Tae following hints towards the more effectual arming and equip- ment of the British soldier will, it is , not be lost on Head | ; if those quarters contain as much as they are commonly | a to be endowed with. etna se " nevery ent, superiori upon weight of man and | ence to load the soldier than 1 as possible : accordingly, it might be made six pounds heavier than a fowling-piece, instead of three; and the weight an infantry private marches under should be increased from 60 \bs. to | cwt. | The British soldier is surest to earn his laurels im fighting hand to hand, and foot te foot. On this account it is desirable to encourage | him to come as soon as possible to close quarters. With that view, so that he may be induced to depend little on his fire, our army muskets are made much wider in the bore, in proportion to the size of the bullet, than they would be, if they were intended to carry straight ; and hence, the range of the same piece, with the same and the same aim, varies by some Mfty yards. The trigger, also, is made so hard to pull, as to render the soldier unable to it waomendy hand, A more efficient plan would be, to load the musket with | powder only, and to return to the good old match-lock. Lead and gun-smithery would thus be saved, whilst we should retain all the real advan of the English musket, which is simply to terrify the enemy, Without intending any offence to a gallant nation, we may say that the French troops, at Waterloo, were, by the firing, at least, of our men, more frightened than hurt. Firing with powder only would require no skill; and the soldier would therefore no longer need to burn away , in pr enough f PowrrwuL £25 Daagoon, rQual DO 28 Saemm, on ning 4 ) SEVEN WONDERS ro Leg ry OF | THE SEVEN WONDERS OF With to cur Covilty, © mest ingurtent @ ican, 1. Nor going to sleep after din- ner: 2. Never going anywhere in the evening, excepting “tothe Club!” 3. Always being -tempered over the loss of a oa and oa A MARRIED WOMAN. |mended. A Light Dragoon, facetiously so called, weighs, aeeoutre- 1. wuven, having “a gown to] ments — r so, and | on,” when invited out ,. | rides a horse, of whi e regu- ll . ” - | lation price is £25. The charge 2. Always being down the first | of such a horse must to breakfast ! always being dressed | ‘© his price, and must be can- in time for dinner! and never} ‘siderably inferior to the mo- keeping the carriagé (or the cab)| mentum with which the rider waiting at the door a minute! would borne against the 3- Not always having “ dalicnte | meee on his own legs. health,” about the autumn, and|is therefore respectfully pro- wreaking his vengeance on the | coals if the dinner isn’t ready ex- actly to a minute! 4, Never finding fault with his “ dear little wifey,” if she happens adh) partner at whist. as nue ! . Not “wondering,” regularly; 5. Giving her husband the best! every week, “how ‘the money | cup of tea! ’ 6. Resigning himself cheerfully, when asked to accom on “a little shopping!” being recommended by her medical | man “ change of air” immediately! | _ 4. Keeping up her “ playing and singing” the same after marriage | | fully, | 6. Never making the house un-| his wife | comfortable, by continually “ put-| | ting it to rights! ”’—nor filling it choke-ful] with a number of things | it does not want, simply because 2 | they are “ Bancarms!” _7. Insisting upom the servants; 7. Never alluding, under the | sitting up, sooner than take the | strongest provoeation, to “ the latch-key with him!!! | complete sacrifice she has made of | herself !”—nor regretting the “two | | Or three good offers,” which she | Gm common with every married| woman) had before she was foolish | enough to aecept sim //—and never, | by any accident, ealling her hus- band “A Braure!!!” A Settler for the Cape. Lonp Hanass, it is said, is to proceed to the Cape to supersede Sin | - Suir. The Kaifirs have been harassing us for a long while ; and | of PaLMERSTON, everybody says it is now high time for us to Hargis them. y posed, that, 1 of the carrying should the cost, and ma‘ woul being alive ; cha steed that the’ and his mounted on, in the pular burlesque of rupeds, We this idea wil not because st is considered a hobby. Dvrro, A# HE APPEARS Wren TH 22 Brows os ums Back, Wrru Secu Men, avy Soen Fionses, WHAT CAN STAND AGAINET OUR Cavacay? Good Offices at Christmas. Some surprise has been expressed at the frequent holding of meeti of the Cabinet at this festive season. e reason is easi explained, when we remember that this is just the period of the year when /amulies congregate, THE BIRD THAT WAS IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE. Tue bird im Downing Street that heard of the pending resignation and the same bird that, at the same time, chirped the news in the Cabinet of Vienna. ,

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ee . PUNCH, OR = LONDON CHARIVARI. INTERESTING. iil) ‘1 j Hrnutaveniaanii Lady, “1 wave catLep, Mr. Squitis, TO SAY THAT MY DARLING LITTLE Doc (!) HAS TAKEN ALL HIS Mixture, BUT HIs Coven Is wo Betrer.” THE CONSEQUENCES OF CHRISTMAS. Such lote 1’ve eaten Of every meat in Good Christmas cheer; And have, unthinking, So deep been drinking, As there’ 8 no blinking, } Wine, punch, and beer. I dared the gout, and Drank healths about, and The Old Year out, and The New Year in. And tll ended, od, stren 5 expend I feel distended All o’er my skin, My head is aching; My hand is shaking ; This comes of taking Too much, you see ; And I’ve a notion Blue pill and ocean Of s potion My draught must be ! 4 I veet quite beaten, i) Clerical Mrs. Bloomers. __ Some one—it does not much matter who—calls Puseyism — |“ Tue Bioomerism or THE Cuuncn ;” for it is trying | (he says) to put upon the Chureh precisely the | same ridiculous habits which to put on the female dress; sad. as the Bloomer costume borrows 3 little from the male form, and a little from the | female, so is the Puseyite re’ made up of a mass (in | fact there is too much of the Mass) of Catholic and | Protestant forms, till you can ardly tell which is which. | MEAN JEALOUSY. Ati the ort inthe Treas peorompyeeated, hb mean jealousy onthe tof Louis Narouaow one Leader at Froude ana Por | pot ra must or vom himself ! . | To pe Ler, ow Lease, (including the use of the fixture) the Monument on which PaTIEnce sits. A SECRET FOR THE FRENCH PRESIDENT, M. Satverte in his Sciences Occulles narrates a scientific anecdote that may be of service to Louis Napotzon, who is claimed by certain parties of the Red Republic as about to become, in due season, as red as themselves. Any way, the President may find the story worthy of his attention. There is significance in it, when considered in combination with the sausages and commngne that, devoted to the military stomach, found their way to the military heart. Once upon a time, Proressorn Berauss, at the Court of the Duke or Bauwswick, had ad promised that his dress should become red, and that during a repast. And this change, to the astonishment of the Prince and the guests, took place. Now, ‘SALVERTE tells us how the trick was accomplished. Pour lime-water upon the juice of beet-root, and a cuentas liquid is obtained ; cloth, dipped in this liquid and quickly dried, becomes red in a few this effect is much ‘accel in a room whére other beverages, . ‘@arbonic acid gas, are abundantly supplied. Punch respectfully presents this story to the consideration of the French President. e know what we are, bears Gore, but we know not what we may be: hence, the story may be hours by the current of the air ae oe TAKE CARE OF YOUR POCKETS, Tuere is a book with the dangerous title of the Pocket Lawyer. We shouldn't like a book with this title much, for we are afraid that if we once got the Lawyer in our pocket, we never should be able to get him out again. Don't Staixe, sut Hzan!—Undoubtedly the most inconvenient time _ the operatives engaged in a foundry to strike, is—when the iron’s hot. a NEW BRIDGE. Tae papere tell oa Oat Pe and F et pd eid ng in the new bond of chew and a ~ ag heg And we further under- stand that the Bisnor or Low yeateenes manner owned fo mere oe Laxvox has, nthe ha bridge’ aforesesd upon this most wise and Christian-like proviso A. that double toll shall aot, (as, at present, ou the old id, microsunry structure) te levied on 2 ag y asks (or t he “ Wherefore take a on Bboy very ys, and exact dou seventh? Is there L worst Sabbath extortion) in éwo Sunday halfpence instead o The North-West Pass Passage. We are not usually v easege te ony dations, at, wo veal ae beginning to wish that a bull, or two, Shag a apne ge pa deoesh the 7 Lowther Arcade, now and then, for the purpose of opening, and keeping open, the trade in china. | QUI S’EXCUSE s’ACCUSE. I Some surprise having been expressed at the appointment of an fempelie person to an important aie, for no other reason than his famil y connections, It was urged in defence of his nomination that, “ thoug be me have no abstract pretensions, his relative merits were quite undeniable.’ OBVIOUS. “Exectioy,” Dr. Jonson tells us, is a synonyme for “choice.” Dictionary, we find the significant But, in Louis Naroteon’s Political addendum—Hebson’s understood. Prnted by " Uliam " radbury,o: No. 1a, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, and Frederick Mullett Brana, of No.7, Chureh Bow, Se Middiesen, Printers, of atthe O@ece m Lombard Street, im the Precivet of Whitefr.ara, ip the City of Leadon, and Fobliaked by thew at Ne. Sh Plesk Street. im the Parish of St, Bride's, mt vomear, January 10th, 155 — fall wa the - dty orgs that nor it,

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nr Sa oe | the chemistry of Nature. A’ the

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 23

SOUND ADVICE. Master Tom. “Have « Weep, Gray’ra ?” Gran’pa. “ A wnat! Sint” Master Tom. “A Weuv!—A Cicar, you xNow.” Gran’pa, “ CeRTaInty not, Sir. Master Tom. “An! THEn I woutpn'’r apvise you To BEGIN.” I NEVER smoKED 1N my Liv. THE LAY OF THE ARTICLED CLERK, ON THE ARRIVAL OF HILARY TERM. Te. me not th’ Examination Is a vain and idle form ; Failure will be ruination, Wrecking hope without a storm. To the questions that ask me Let me not reply anf. Cruel ’tis to overtask me, And oppress my feeble brain. Should they speak of an attainder, What in answer can I say ? If they mention a remainder, , | must turn away. Talk to me of civil action, t in ordinary Court,— Of accord and satisfaction, I shall answer as I ought.| I have been a midnight reader, ' bs ple Pad became a s er Bo the nid ot lena books. Over Srzrnen I have pondered, Till my head began to reel ; How I stood I’ve often wondered, Whether on my head or heel. . Tee thon held tp cnantoh che or my cheap— When, upon a of —_ I have fallen off to sleep. *T was enough to grieve and shock me, When they sneer’d at legal schools ; Heartlessly they came to mock me, Calling ten A rogues or fools. Ha! ha! ha! my senses fail me; But I’m better,—aye and betterer— For I’ve passed | and now they hail me, tleman, one et cetera.

= —— —_—_—<—<—_<—<——————— P “Toe Heap anp Front” or 4 Woman’s “ Orvenpine.” |—Appearing at the breakfast-table in cur!-papers !

THE HORRORS OF CHEMISTRY. To Mr. Punch, or goodness sake, Punch! just read the frightful things in the Morniag Post, in the account of a chemical | lecture by Dr. Lrow Puarvare. What | \ do youthink Dn. Prarram says? He \ / declares that— “*The offal of the streets, and the washings of coal-gas re-appear, carefully preserved in the lady's smelling-bottle.’ “How very naaty! lows is worse :-— But what fol- Sor her friends ! ! “T am sure / never did such a thing, if I said, when I had read this; but how 4 shocked was | at learning from our medi- wim cal man that such was really the case, for that essence of bitter nds is = in fact, prussic acid, which is prepare from the remains of all sorts of animals. Dreadful as this idea is, however, it delicate vegetable without a shudder. I used to think I should be fond | | ancestors,’ and other ‘dead bodies,’ &., as pee ; “* Or are used | y her to flavour blanemanges | this, and you will bea duck of a Punch, and shall re | our lives,

falls short of that which comes next—stated in the coolest off-hand | way, with all the sang froid of a disagreeable philosopher. “* This economy of the chemistry of Art is only in imitation of what we observe in nimals and die; their dead bodies, passing into putri- | dity, ~ 4 atmosphere, from whence plants again mould them into forms of | ; and it is these plants, actually consisting of a past generation of ancestors, | that form our present food.’ “What a horrid man he must be, that Da. Piarrare! I declare, now I know what there is in the air, that were I not obliged to breathe | it, I would not touch it; and I shall never be able to taste the most | | the privilege of

of chemistry, but now I see what a shocking science it is, I quite it. It discloses such unpleasant secrets, that they had much better have never been discovered ; ignorance of such matters is truly bliss, and it is folly, in to be wise, on subjects of so ling a nature, a know- ledge of which is calculated to entirely roy one’s appetite— U-a-u-ugh! I fear I cannot adequately spell the word to express my feelings; but pray, A, excuse my orth ’; and do me one favour. I am going to make a strange request fora lady; but do, there's a dear use all your influence to get the p: authorities whose business it is, to put in force the /ntramural Interments Bill, which I believe is a law for preventing burials in the midst of our dwellings; and also the Acts of Parliament with regard to draining ; for really [ should be glad to breathe as little of ‘a past generation of Pray see to main your ever constant and grateful subscriber, “ AnGeLina.” “Belgravia, Jan. 9, 1852.” “P.S. My -for-nothing husband has just come in, and when I showed hum this letter, his remark was, ‘Now you see, dear, the truth of the saying, that we must all eat at least a of dirt in the course of Oh! I declare he is as bad as Da. Piayrarn.”

The Crown Jewels of the City. To commemorate the isiti the Corporation of London of : i mene A it is proposed that the Lorp Maror’s Cap of shall be decorated with black diamonds, which wi be the brightest jewels of the civic Crown.

“ CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS.” Tus is literally true i street near Trafalgar Square, for the Baths and Wash-houses there are next door to a Chapel!

VoL. Xxil. D

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ae ce eo ema vee { : : 4 know ? 24 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL MRS. BAKER’S PET. THE PET IS LOST, AND MRS, BAKBR GOES IN SEARCH OF HIM, UNDER THE GUIDANCE OF JAMES SPRIGGLES. Scene 5.—Mnr. Baker hasgone to the City. Mas. Baker is surprised that Scamp does not make his appearance as usual. Mrs. Baker. Dear me, how very odd! Scamp hasn’t come to bid me good morning to-day. "Perhaps R. Baker met him in the passage, and kicked him: he’s eapable of it. 1’m sure a man 80 altered as Baker, I never did see! (Rings.) Yes; 1 suppose it’s some specula- tion or other he’s mixed himself up with in the City ; and then he lays everything on that poor dumb animal. Enter Spxieeiss, looking hot and sad. Mrs. Baker. Ob, James! where’s Scamp ? ra (struggling with the melancholy tidings). Well, *m—Scamp, Why, please, ’m, we ’aven’t none on us seen anythink of ’im to- ie as Baker (alarmed). Not seen him, wong tl Spriggles. No, ’m, nor ’eard him last night, ’ Mrs. Baker (with growing disquiet). Good gracious me! Have you been into the Row, and to the butcher’s, JAMES, to inquire ? Spriggles (fi rmly). I’ve been everywhere, ’ m, and nobody hasn’t seen nothink of ’im, ’m; and it’s my belief, ’m, he’s been and got stole. Mrs. Baker. Oh’ dear, dear—stole ! But there are no dog-stealers hereabouts, James ? Spriggles (unblushingly). I never knowed of none, ’m, but I’ve ’eard tell of such things ; wich there’s one CaaLker, as ’elps about our Guv’nor’s mews—’e knows a deal about ’em—’e’s so fond of dogs, ’e is. Mrs. Baker (catching at the straw), Ob, then, perhaps if we asked! him, he might be able to find ont for us? Spriggles (simply). Well, m’, I shouldn’t wonder. Mrs. ane, And I should be so much obliged to him. Spriggles. Yes, ’m. Mrs. Baker, And if he could only get him back for me, I’m sure any | expense he was put to— Spriggles. Yes, ’m. Mrs. Baker. Do you know, James, I think I’d better see him. Spriggles. 1’\| ask him to step down, ’m, from éhe Guv'nor’s. Mrs. Baker. Well, but hadn’t I better go up to him at once, and tell him what Scamp was like ? | no doubt of that. that ll be it; they ’re werry : sweet on ’em in lier nor anybody—he knows about most Mrs. Baker. Then "ee at once. Rs. Baker to put on her bonnet and shawl, James SprieGies executes a brief dance, expressive of exultation, mingled with contempt. o * * * * sl (Mrs. Baker, guided by James Srricewes, has visited the Mews, and has had the pleasure of an introduction to SPRIGGLES, sen an odoriferous person, in a short head of hair, garnished with straws, pendant breeches, a seal-ekin waistcoat, and high-lows. Mr. Srnicoies, sen., condoles deeply with Mrs. Baker, but cannot assist her. Cuaiken és wob at the Mews, They have, therefore, proceeded to his house. The Scewe changes to the abode of Wrixwam CHALKER, called “Sweet W1LiaM,”—whether from the sweetness of his ition, or the atmosphere of anise-seed which ades him, is The room is small, and is ep ferret-boues, wire rat. traps, puyeon baskets,.a cage with a poleeat Pam pigeon on a nest in an old drawer, two glass cases with stuffe toll am, 4 of preternatural brutality of phystognomy, a pen with -cocks, seceral hutches of Sancy rabbits, and a breeding cage full of . Its occupants are, WILLIAM Cx lomel te c'mon 9 it, with a smooth head, onclininy to protuberance behmd, large , a broken nose, and a thick neck, dressed in a suit of very shinyvelveteen, with sport- ing buttons, a bord’ s-eye hantkerchief knotted round his neck, white stockings, and-ankle-boots. He is quietly enjoying a pi , and von- templating his ater’ brped ama « | Mrs. Cnauxer is invisible / Masters aud Misems Cnaxer are despose about the E..... rte engaged im domestic duties towards the birds and bewsts ; the youngest teaching some bull-dog puppies to fly at each other's throats, There are several ‘ dogs about the room, which, as Mus. Baker en/ers with Symiee es, set up a furious harks ing. Ohilker. Down, bitch—old your row, ‘Crres—will yer now, some of yer! (He distributes a liberal allowanee of kicks amoag the who mitigate their bark into a growl. Two silent bull-dogs approac Mas. Baxer.) Come back, Bitty! ‘ere, Tpr! [The bull-dogs retire, dissappointed. ‘OwxuxeR rises respectfully, and lays aside his pipe, recognising SPR1GGLES. Spriggles. Oh! it’s Mas. Baker, Bru.t—our missus—as has lost a favourite dog, and I thought you was likeliest to be able to find out for her if he’s been took. Mrs. Baker (eagerly). And 1’m sure, my good man——Good gracious ! what ’s that? (4 tame ferret appears from under her petticoats.) Ugh! Chalker (calmly). He won’t bite, ’m; ’is mouth ’s sowed up. The young CHALKERS enjoy Mus. Baxer’s alarm. Mrs. Baker, Thank you. I was only going to say, that I’m sure if there’s any expense——Oh, dear me! (a fancy pigeon having settled itse self on Mrs. Baxer’s shoulders, begins to coo pleasantly.) Oh! there’s something on my shoulder. Chalker (savagely to the young CHALKER, to whom is entrusted the pigeon department). Now, Jim, you’ll be a ketchin’ somethin, if you lets them birds out agin, mind yer! “The young Cuatker silently catches the bird, and replaces him in his basket. Mrs. Baker. | was saying, if there was any expense— Chalker, Well, ’m, there ’s like tovbe that, ’m, ’owsumever. When | did you lose him ? Mrs. Baker. He was a handsome dog—a spaniel. Chalker (interrupting). 1 knows the Pay me im—arf-spannel, and the | rest cocker-lurcher, bull terrier, and a touch of the plum-pudding dog (winking at SPRIGGLES). Well, he’s quite a fancy dawg, missus, ‘there ’s But when did you lose him ? Mrs. Baker. Last night, we think ; at least he was there when I | went to bed, and we never heard him or-saw him after. Chalker ( (passing his hand over his chin, thoughtfully). Ah! Yes!— , now. Mrs. Baker (puzzled). Eh Chalker. On them sort of ena m. ou atm 4 8 ape ons _ to Carrots Joe ;—that ’s the man as speck elates in Spriggles. Oh, bless you, *m! ’e knows the dog well enough, seeing = — or Antverpun, or the Bulone ;—five ound, ibe’ if ra — on him with me. Mrs. Baker. But if I could see him, he would feel how anxious I was, and that would make him do his best,to find out, you know. Spriggles. Very well, ’m, you can see ‘im if you like; but I don’t = ot a connection like Carrots; and then might er “mee ” > stables. — her net rs. Baker. But, perhaps, you w where he lives ? Spriggles. Ob, yes, *m, ry know; but it’s a queerish place fora lady to go arter him. Mrs Ying Oh! I don’t mind; I’m so anxious no time should be lost. So, if youll get your hat, James, I'll put on my bonnet} and shawl, and we can walk down at once. But you think he’s likely to - -w Baker, Then do you think he’s me to France ? Chalker (shakes his head doubtfully). hat yang on who itis. All ’s his tail, ’m, in the way. Mrs. Baker (still more puzzled). His tail ? Chalher. ieddioenst Let’ssee. I think his ears wasn’t boned, Mr. Baker (quite at sea). Boned ?—His ears ?—I don’t understand. Chalker, You see, ’m, if ’e’s took for France, wich | know CakRots ’as been ‘ereabouts late y, ’e'd ’ave to ’ave his tail cut off. Mrs. Baker a with much meen His tail cut off! Poor thing! Bvieghe (violently k eeping down Lot. tg ’m, I think he’s like. ray the nic | tw

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a re eS Be Be” a. ore fe ye | you only would inquire; Ma. Cuatxer, I’m sune-l chouldiie se gratefull | same thing. | quite hold, for-every pump is to have something to-do- with water—a qualification monty | required Chalker. That ain’t nothin’—the tail ain’t; but bonin their ears is | rayther ’ard. Mrs. Baker (with a presentiment). Oh' but what is boning their ears ? | Chalker (in a business-like way). Why, you see, ’m, the beauty of | these dawgs—leastways the furriners thinks so—is to ’ave the ears | nicely flapped over, not cut, ’m, you understand, but lying over with a turn, like—so. E (He illustrates on the ear of a young Kixe Cuanues, which howls PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL OLD AND NEW BILLINGSGATE. Wuo can doubt the influence of architecture on the feelings and | manners of a people? Fine buildings make refined citizens. We will | not go to Athens in her glory for the profound truth of this fact; but | take much more modern instances of the elevating verity. The cabmen | on the Trafalgar Square stand have become pleasantly celebrated for | bitterly, \the suavity of their manners and the lowness of their fares, Aind | Mrs. Baker (who feels that the Kiwe CHannes’s agonies are nothiing,to | Wherefore | oe refining beauty of the National. Gallery |ias | what Scame’s may be, perhaps, at this moment), Oh, don’t!’ yow’re | hurting the poor thing Chalker, Ob, bless you, that ain’t nothing—it’s the bonin’ on ’em. | Strong constitootioned dogs doesn’t die of it; and if they lives, is as | good as from two to five pounds on a dawg, in forrin parts. Mrs. Baker (gradually realising the horrible details), But you donit mean to say they’ve taken that poor dog, and—— [She shrinks, with a sinking off the heart. Chalker. Well, it’s werry likely they have, if it’s Cannons Mrs. Baker. Oh! but I’m sure if you could see them, andi sagytle | dog is a pet— Chalker (shakes his head contemptuously). Bless you! thiexe’s: thie) valley of the dog. Mrs. Baker. Oh! but say I’ll pay the value off litim, I'll pay ange thing. know. Chalker, Well, ’m, I could inkvire, any way, andi see; and let yow\and order.” The frequentersof Billi imperceptibly stolen into their minds, and elevated their morals, The soldiers who have done duty, standing sentry at the base of the York Column, Waterloo Place, shine conspicuously throughout the army,, as human examples of the most conscientious dealing; as Sucknine sings,-— “ Owing ne'er a girl a kiss, nor e’er a knave a shilling.” : The Germans have called architecturea,“‘petrified religion.” lence, | should wewonder whema Dean and C influenced. by the devotion | enshrinedjin stone w consent to show theim Cathedral gratis, fore- | going the time-dishonoured charge of a powers, we will | add. bugone more example to the list of i ij moral triumphs, and that example shall to Billingngetst uilder, hat beeame, aes 4 Sranites, ) respectainiity Our worthy contemporary, the thusiastie on “the new Market buildi pleasant pride mn “the river wall of glories of his noble craft, “suggesti ! ’ 4 the Bialier, “ have, lor rather, Aad a language of their cms” the: characteristic Mrs. Baker. Oh, please do—direetly ! |eoarseness has departed, refined away: by thier spinit of architecture. | Chalker, "Cos I knows a party as | think mightt. Dmeoorse; L doniti know nothink about such coves myself. [ Mrs. Baker Oh, no'!—they must be dreadfitli peeple; L’tm sure; but ifi Chalker (chivalrously). Always’ appy to sexvera lady, in, amis alady: Mrs. Baker. And whatever it costs— - Chalker. There’\l be a sov’ran fust, Ma’am,, to. giv-tlie:mamas knows) the party as can give us the office for Canrons-—that’s. the fitet thing, a fortunately prepare ~- pn =~ havens, last week, upen a visit of Inquiry t Maprket, over eata an aifercation between two females; vendors of fish. We gimethe dialogue as & SPECIMEN OF NEW BELLINGSG@ATE. Mira. Jones: (who has been pushed by Mins. Brown.) Well 1’m sure! Mrs, Baker. Oh, certainly! here it is, Mr. CoaLker. Gives him a sovereign. | Chaiker. And then there’|l be beer to stand to two or three parties ; | —must keep ’em in good humour, you know, Ma’am—arf-a-gallon or so —weil, say five shillin’ for beer, ‘m? Mrs. Baker (gives it), Ob, certainly! any refreshment. Chalker (modestly), And then there ’s my day’s work, in which I arns three-and-six, and won't charge you no more. Mrs. Baker (forces a crown-piece into his reluctant hands), Oh, 1’m sure that’s little enough. Chalker (overpowered with gratitude). Wich young SpricGes, there, he can tell you, ’m, it’s the truth, and as knowedme froma bey about the stables; and all I can say, is, ’m, that if you don’t ‘ave your dawg, ’m, it ain’t Witt1aAM CHanker’s fault, ’m—for I loves the poor creturs. Mrs. Baker, Oh, I’m so much obliged to. you, you can’t think—I'm sure | am. And when do you think you can let me know ? Chalker (doubtfully). Well,’m, I don’t know. “Carrots” is a rum ’un to keteh; but next'T as ever is—I think,’m—ifall vork straight. _Mrs. Baker, Oh, thank you!—I shall be so anxious! Good gra- cious, to think what that poor dog may have to go through! Oh, it’s perfectly shocking ! Spriggles (solemnly). Ain’t it, ’m—desp’rate ? Mrs. Baker. That it certainly is, James. Good morning, Mz. Cuatker. I’mreally so agitated and so muel obliged, if you find him. She makes her way to the door, followed by SeniGGLes, amid various obstructions in the shape of bulldogs, terriers, cages, hutches, young Cuakers, Sc., §c., Fc. As they go out, SenicGres turns and catches CHALKER’S eye. A wink of profound diplo- matic significance 1s exchanged between them, The Scunx closes. A Pump-Handle for a Joke. Iy consequence of the tendency of some of the Government Steamers to leakage, it has been propesed that every vessel should be compelled to carry out am additional pump. Perhaps, if each craft should be ordered to take out a Lord of the Admiralty, it would amount to: the We are, however, fearful that the comparison does not of the Admiralty is not always to possess. PLUMAGE OF THE KING-VULTURE. Tyrants generally affect the purple; but the royal robes of the | Kuxe or Naptes are Bompa—zine, A CAUTION TO WORKMEN. Tue only Strike Workmen should ever be guilty of, is that recom- mended to all Englishmen in the song of “ Britons, Strike Home,” Aaprate do. you think you ’re protruding ? Browm, Against whom, mem? Enquire of my elbow, mem, Mrs. Jones. None of your flowers of speech—you canine animal ! Mrs. Brown. Canine animal! Come, that is good—you with a counte- nance suggestive of crib ‘ Mrs. Jones, Cribbage! ell, if I’d the face of some people, [’d |only come out with the feline species—and not them when the moon | was lustrous, Mrs. Brown. The moon, mem! The moon! Let me tell you the | moon has a man in it; and far as he is away, he ’d turn his nose up at the bare notion of some people, mem. Mrs. Jones. To be sure. Didn’t he once turn his nose into next week, mem; and wasn’t it at some person’s fresh fish, mem ? Mrs. Brown, Bresh fish! if you were not indefinitely below my notice, I might observe that J—yes, mem, /—was never up before the Loap Mayor, for poisoning the Spectaele. Makers’ Company—every one of | whom was blind for a fortnight—with muscles, mem. Mrs. Jones. Museles!. You said muscles, you aggravating female ! Mrs. Brown. Muscles! And what, is more, mem, museles picked | ‘from the copper stern of Hem Masesry’s convict, ship Dreadnought, | | every one of which had a penn’orth of metal in its.inside, which, upon | the oath of a chemist, has made the Spectacle Makers green from that | | day to this. There, mem! Poisoned muscles! What do you say to | that, mem ? pie: ; a | Mrs. Jones, Say! 1 have no hesitation in. saying,—it. is a scarlet | hallucination. _ | Mrs. Brown. If that is your opinion, mem, I shall, on the present | occasion, content myself with — obse you're another. | But to return to muscles; [ never fed oysters, mem, with hard pease, | and then sold ’em toa Jew as oysters with real pearls. from Indy in their stomachs. Mrs. Jones. What I do, mem, I do. above-board, without pretence ; / | didn’t get a medal from the Humane Society for skinning eels in their | sleep, mem ! : : | Wes. Brown, No, mem! Nor, since you oblige me to utter my thoughts— Mrs. Robinson (a friend of both parties) interferes. Now, my dear, good creatures, why fall out? Life is short: shall we have a drop of something to correspond ? : Mrs. Jones. \ bear no animosity, and will toss Mus. Buown for half- a-pint of alcohol, flavoured with the berry of the inniper. Mrs. Brown. With all my heart. You cry. (Throws up a penny. | Mrs. Jones, Heads! ; Mrs. Brown. My dear, it ’s quite the reverse. Mrs. Jones, 30 1 see; and so L’ve lost. Where shall we go? To the Grimalkin-and-Bagpipes ? "Robins ra they water and physician //eir alcohol. | { Exeunt, Mrs. Robinson. No, my dear, —The Chanticleer-and- Bottle for my money. “A Maxe-Suarrr Existence.’”’—Making Shirts ab Sixpence apiece ! |

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<iticth nal OE

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL.

j . “So, youn Name 1s CuHar.ey, Is 1T? Now, CuarLey pogsn’tT kNow wuo | am?” Sharp Little Boy. “Ou res! nut I po, THOUGH.” Mr. —. “Wail, wHo am 1?” Sharp Little Boy. “ War, rou’se THE GENTLEMAN WuO KISSED Sister Soruy in THE Liprakry, | on Twetrra NIGHT, WHEN YOU THOUGHT NO ONE WAS THERE.’

FUNNY MARKET AND WITTY INTELLIGENCE. THE aupenee amount of specie—or | wit of ev —in the coffers of the Punch is still the Bem “ | Coane of the Punch peper stil fet oo ex- | | | | | a | } ad ol pe to imcrease, every ceon- tinues to be Loneweed ¢1 with a prompti- tude calculated to if possible, to the confidence felt by blic in the | resources at command. The weekly publication, showing a constant aug- mentation of the values, causes a con tinual upward movement, and large sums are cleared by those who have speculated for a rise. A slight advance occurred in the lighter kind of witti- F=¥: in consequence of the Govern-

ment joker having come into the | —- with an order of a somewhat | large amount, on ~~ A of articles {|e evening paper. The | following is a sample Y the average quotation of ; any quantity | of which ic be at a under the J my rices :— hy is NaPoLEon "9 a ji a tenant ?—Because of course he 4 f A can pay rents (Corsican parents) !”’ , / 5 =='\\) |) ll

Literary Con. A RATHER — ingenious conun- drum than —, , ay ee blsk | posagacion, we ten to pu Why are the Whig Ministers in | office like human souls in Woxps- | wortH’s Ode on Immortality? Be- cause their “ Berth is but a sleep and a forgetting.” ee

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THE FLESH-POTS OF THE NAVY. Go, talk to Lord Mayors and a "9 ye see, About rieh turtle-soup, and all that ; Good wholesome salt junk and tea biscuit give me, And I won’t fret for want of I can live without fresh aie fat then, bless my eyes, Sweet provisions it won’ ¢ do to lack! There ’s a set of land-lubbers that’s placed up aloft, To look arter the prog of poor Jack! You folks that manage the vessel of State, Whom the care of the nation employs, Your duty can’t - without dining off plate, On all sorts of French kickshaws and toys. We can weather the storm ob je roughest of food, If it don’t wholly take us abac But a set of land-lubbers there’s ‘ace up aloft, To look arter the prog of poor Jack! The true British seaman is not over-nice *Bout the or the sex of his beef ; How it came by its death he’s not very precise, Hoping ’twasn’t by Nature’s relief. But offal fal and carrion is rather too strong, And e even a tar’s patience crack ; ’ And a set of land-lubbers there’s ented up aloft, To look arter the prog of poor Jacx ! 1 can't wnderstend, oxy mango than.» fool, they give a poor sailor such fare ; He ele im yt aretha no ral my Els u a Ow v a brave crew, To protect you on Ocean's wide trac And the set of land-lubbers that ’s - at up aloft, To look arter the prog of poor Jack !

o | Your honours, who spare no =! for a meal, Who lay out such a mint on your voy L ’Tis a fact that 1 wish you were able to feel You may cater for sailors too cheap. ae supplied with worse refuse, more filthy and foul, ture or hound would ati Through that set of land-lubbers that ’s Placed up aloft, To look arter the prog of poor Jack ! Lords, dukes, and high nobles, » puenaetle that rear, pon oil-cake, and turnips, and ’Tis a fine breed of seamen you ’ll raise upon cheer That a hog would be sorry to touch ! Bone and sinew to mould = a many require | Than a careless or Like that set of land-lubbers that * s placed up aloft, To look arter the prog of poor Jack! | | HUMANITY OF FRENCH BULLETS. SvuWwaRROW was wont to say that the bullet was a fool, and knew not where it went ; whereas the a, hon a wise thing, understanding | its mark. The French bullets fired mare of another — sort than Suwarrow’s despised lead: they must have been cast under the auspices of benevolent fairies, and commissioned to hit wicked ple only. Houses were riddled by musketry—bullets were poured a knots of dozen passengers; and yet, upon the official return, we find that “ only ten innocent persons were killed!” “There: what think you of that?” cry certain journalists. “Only ten innocent victims ?” Our answer is—we think the number dams the liberalit ty of the Prestpent. Seeing that he had the orderingof the return, “ten” Sy ee ob aight have been ene; or—none.

A Metaycnoty eine —A very young placeman was hear d | to remark, “ How very soon one grows ri rlle desl Husnasy Basy.—France is enjoying its Loran _—— !

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 29 FRENCH COCKS AND FRENCH: EAGLES. | rrxce Lovts Naro.eow has added to his glories: he has knocked the French Cock off his perch, and reinstated the French . The Cock that was at Antwerp, Isly, and, rejoicing the re- ligious heart of Pro Nono, crowed an historic cock-a- doodle-doo in the Roman Capitol—vice Roman Geese, tet “-— * much Vulgar try. in France, the Cock has had his walk : there is to be no more dung- (~ hill serateh and strut; but “y. henceforth, soaring and solar s & gazing. No more bar) \ fr 0 | pl ORY Vela (ea ee y hil } | / 4 OM} PRIN g! = he A ey, ut world-splitting thunder- , bolts! i)» Poor, cashiered Cock! | The Constitutionnel squirts cowardly ink at him, de- graded bird, plucked and . » wai f Mt) ist ue . : = - Bye eats! Mtacw abet j \\) 7) same Cock, in 1848, had draggled. Tells us that this | BROTHER JONATHAN ON OUR NATIONAL DEFENCES. (From the Buffalo Slockdologer .) Twat beef-eating old coon, Joun Butt, is like | bein a fix. He had better look out for squalls. has had fair warning. SHAKESPEARE says *s a divinity that our ends. That’s Nature the of the rattlesnake, lets know he’s a-coming your way, the rat; does. He gives you notice to clear | off. If he bites you after that, it’s your own | fault. Just so with Jouw Bou. If he ’s cotched napping, he ’|| have nobody to blame but his own | self. Nature is uniform, hoists danger | signals wherever there ’s danger. You may(fread | *em if you’ve a mind to attend to ’em, which | ou best have. Here’s the French flag a- ying at this moment with the Bonaranre Eagle ‘apon it, than life. That ’s a danger signal to Joun Burt. It means the Empire over again. It’s a sign that Lewis Napoteon intends to play old Scratch da capo. Well, what will Joun Bus do if he is wise? In the | first. place, he will be civil; anyhow, you can fix | ‘it, he will lose money by quarreling hat next? | —always supposing he’s wise. ell, everybody | | best knows his own concerns. If he’s a goney, | Brak | Pe his head cut off—was, in| what he’ll do is as plain as a speck of white on representative brass— “de-|@ nigger. He’ll continue to arm his troops with | capitated on a great num-| muskets that shoot any way but point blank. ber of shakoes.” Whereas,| He will persevere in mounting his dragoons | “the French Eagle may | upon old cab-horses. He will persist in building | have been conquered, but | Ships that won’t sail, and steamers that won’t | was never humiliated.” act ; in victualling them with meat in a state of | Never? No; not even when | decomposition; in underpaying his sailors, and landed sea-sick at Boulogne, doing everything that lies in his power to drive and—taken captive—sentenced to feed on garbage at Boulogne slaughter-house. Louis Napoveon at Ham, and his half-plucked familiar at the Abattoir And now, Louris NaPotgon, moulting for imperial feathers, disgraces the vulgar household thing, to promote the bird of the empire. Cocks cease to crow, and totally disappear. The French army that went to sleep, roosting upon one leg, wake at beat of drum so many eagles! They are no longer to stretch the neck for bloodless corn; are not to follow Cenzs, the farmer’s wife; but are to look about them for lambs:and hares, ard joyfully acknowledge the shriek of Bettona. It is manifest that Louis Napotzon knows the human heart as it is wont to rub-a-dub under the blue serge of the French soldier. The Imperial President knows the gratitude that must flow upon him from the changed condition of every hero. Not a drummer but is elevated; yesterday he was a mere bantam cock; to-day, he is an eaglet of the sun. He scratched upon a dunghill; and now, from his eyry, he looks abroad upon a Iuand of Promise —that is, a Land of Pillage. But, after all, can the Emperor-President—or President-Emperor—award to France a living eagle? Is it the truething? Can it, upon its own vitality, soar and bearthe thunder! We are justified in the suspicion conveyed in the query. For once upon a time, there was a subtle machinist—by name ReciomonTaNus—who made a Wooden Magle’; and this bird, the Chroniclers tell us, was so unto the living thing, that it flew forth, making a certain circuit, and at the ha moment, d a crown upon the head of Maxmuirnraw, then passing through the City gutes, in holiday triumph. __ Now, we more than suspect that this very Eagle of the President~seemingly,in full feather, and gazing upon the sun of France with the very brightest of glass eyes—is mo other than wooden bird, curiously preserved, to assert the sometime luck of ‘human accidents. It is wonderful how old things re-appear when they are wanted. A dew nights since, Louis NaPoLeon went to the Opera, the performances further putronised by the bayonets of the line. there awaited him: eagles, preserved—we are assured of the elevating truth—from the days of Buowarante. Had Lovis NAPOLEON ired the _of Crovis, can there be any doubt of a supply of the living insect, in a dine buzzing down to 1852 ? Therefore, we can only accept the Eagle given by the present ruler of Prance to his grateful country, as a ligneous bird—a thing of wires and wheels; a bit of capitalamechanism that may serve its turn or two; but with no sustaining life; nothing to keep itwp. A dead Eagle, even though in {the clouds, and coming at last dumpishly down toearth, like a Property Eagle of the play-house, when the man in Der Freischitz fires the enchanted After all, the Cock is a more rational, a more pleasing emblem for a nation, than the — bird of ter. The Cock is the trumpet of the morn; the herald of the —- world-delighting sun. The Cock is generous; for, until made selfish by old age, he will, i and strutt 1, on the discovery of worm or grain, call his wives about show ‘the prise, 4 ing forth, magnanimously forego it; a fine lesson this for self-denyimg rulers. | Besides, to the French nation, the Cock should have the most cheering of attributes. Is there not a n—a lion—on the British shore opposite? And is it not an old, old truth—enshrined in many stories—that when the Cock crows, the Lion trembles ? We submit the question to the cabinet (when found) of Louis Napoueon, Is not a crowing cock better than a wooden eagle? A living thing of the farm-yard of more account than an imperial dummy ? all the best hands out of his navy. And he’ll take particular care to leave his coasts unde- | fended in every spot likely to give an Opening to Lewis Naroveon, in case that possum shoul lever feel inclined to try a coup de France on the | British nation. He will believe such an outrage |impossible. He will let his self be talked over by his easy friends, who persuade him not to | think of such a thing. Oh yes! he’ll trust that | a loafer who only upset the constitution of his | own —— will stick at violating the law of | nations. e’ll rely on Lewis Napowzon’s honour, and his own good luck; he’! shut his eyes and stop his ears against every warning; | he’li act like one of his own partridges, that puts its head in a hole, and there stands, thinking itself in safety, because it sees no peril, till pre- sently down comes a , and quietly puts a pinch of salt on its tail. To a Rich Young Widow. 1 wrt not ask if thou canst touch The tuneful ivory key? . Those silent notes of thine are such As quite suffice for me. — ——— -—— — | , comprehends, | Enough for me, love, if thou still Canst draw tiry dividends | | ‘The Trees of Liberty. Tue Prench trees of liberty are all to be cut ‘down, and the wood given ‘to the poor for fuel. Thus Prenchmen have liberty to—warm them- _ | selves. | ‘Tae Best Waxps or a Latou-Key.—Home- | Wards ! AN IMPUDENT BIRD PANCIER. Srrance that Lours Warotzon should have | such a predilection for the Hagle. The Kite, by all accounts, is the bird which he has been most | used to flying.

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30 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. RETROSPECT AND PROSPECT; OR, 1851 AND 1852. BETWEEN the em on which the night is sinking And that on which riseth the light of day, I stand and mark the Hours, that, all unwinking, From year to year their service shift alway : Sad Hours, with drooping wings and tearful faces, Sweet Hours, with rainbow plumes and laughing eyes: Some, whose stern brows stiil show war’s bloody traces; Others with olive crown’d, in peaceful guise. Like duteous servants their lord’s eyes that close, The Hours are gather’d round the dying Year, To whom the last leap of Life’s taper shows The shadows flung by coming things more clear. “ Attendant Hours, lift me up on my bed, That I may speak the things I have to say, Before I am borne hence, with m head. To the great grave of the years pass’d away. Before me lies my life; ’midst wrong and terror, And force and fraud, out of it shines a light, Held by the balmy hand of Peace, from error A beacon to guide nations to the right. And in the luminous orbit of that splendour Britain sits, throned by Peace, serenely strong ; While all the nations unforced homage render, And to the twain with ample offerings throng. And all the sky is jubilant with voices Of brotherhood and hope without alloy ; Science is quickened, Industry rejoices, And Art’s sweet eyes are radiant with joy. This hush of calm ’mid the world’s din of This space of sunshine on Earth’s twilight s' This choral song, heard through Life’s wail and brattle, Fell in my life. Time writes it on my page. veer

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. But what is in the Future ? Ouwend locking dition dt ? had the people—he meant the men of the I see the light of Peace quenched in her hand ; people—men like Coppew and Baieut”— Britain still sits, but sits alone, not brooking (Bousovan, adding to his order, roars—“ Two devilled kidneys !”) Companionship of them that round her stand. Mr. H. 8.—“ Are such men to bear the mark of exclusion? Are , : they to be branded, like politieal Cams?” : Her brow, that still to me was calm and clear, The Rev. Xavrer Potycarp, taking his hat, observes, in a meek yet Is gnarled and knit ; and in her stalwart hand, firm manner, that “he has no wish to interfere with the political opi- (Which wont for me the olive crown to rear,) nions of any persem—thowever violent and slightly rabid Behold! undrawn as yet, a mighty brand. but he must protestegainst an indiscriminate application of that aw} she, hoping an ot ba pee Rates ; Fe pt ne Bs mast know the name tow ‘hile over-head looms a black thunder-cloud, a , Out of whose bosom, to the startled hearing, Well, then, Mr. H. 8. will ask—“Is to be governed by a : couple of families? Are we to bea realm of castes? Are the men of Come cannon-shot, and wail and war-cry loud. the people never toventer the Cabinet? Are Ministers'to beget Minis- She sees it creep from border unto border, ters forever and ever? He paused fora reply.” ; Sadly she marks the war within its womb ; In which case GeweRat Borsover, jumping ‘to his fest, and beating But, trusting still in Free Speech, Law, and Order, the table, declares that Ma. Fuss or UBBS hall have it. He (t She sits in light, where all besides is gloom.” General) has been in India: he knows what castes ae; and ‘the t tate works well. A water-carrier s a water-carrier—a tinker, ee —a priest,.a priest—a lawyer, a lawyer; and sovon'tolthe worlll’s end. x : And-so itas with politics and Governments. Jedke«at the Arabshorses. OUR CLUB-MAN. What makes ‘em what they are? Why, exelusivencss. What would The Foozle Club, January 7, | »ecome of tem if you were to admit dra: it’ * ap es *, | breed that dees it. Dia’ hah polities, ke noses, Tun in Two o’ctock, P.M.—It’s| families ? Wouldn't the ‘bleod of Prrr—if you get it—be the all up. GRaHAM has) »\ood fora Prime Minister? It’s all blood. Kxurorrs and Greys been sent for—is tO|heget Bumsorts and Gaevs for Downing Street—~and Compens and be made a peer ; some Bricnts, Gospens-and Barents for cotton-mills. ‘And that’s all he say Baron PHILIBEG ; | has to say in the matter. some, the Eat OF| ‘The argument of @mwama Bo.sover appears unaneweruble, for it is | CUMBERLAND. Title | now five o'clock, and I*vemot heard-another word about the . no matter—but the) The general opinion, ‘however, is, that——but lmust bevsilent for the sending for is a fact present, and merely ae "great fact ”"—es Remain, Mr. Punch //, Genepat Borsover, : " Your‘CnvpMaw. Y j — _~ since, a ial) ‘Sm . mai am of / with a blow upon re Confidential. cet. em just seen the mahogany, alls the Ma**s of Ho**r; and tells me that a certain Ihustrious Lady has not *, purple countenance, | been in bed these three nights; but has sat up (with six wax-candles) ~ vociferated. | watching the interests of our devoted country. I say nothing: but this The Rev. Xavrer|I must say—Vivat Regina / Potycarp—who has ‘ just been presented to the new church of St. QUOD. - Dimity—has come in; (According to“ Gets Grammar.) bland and smiling. . : ‘ : Says with Srr Jawes| Q0op is a noun substantive, meaning a Prison.—As, for example, in the Cabinet, we | the Queen’s Bench isa Quod. The different cases of it—and they are shall really have réligiows freedom. Understands that Docror Wisz-| generally very har d ones—are through in the ent = A wed MAN has a banquet the occasion. though, if a person is wise, will do much better to decline Qu He vp. M.—Jack R _ Ce Tendie- tet thes he will joke | ltogether.— La as | —brings news, that the Ministers have resigned—forsworn their Nominative. a ee ae eon. famili their.names—and ‘intend to appeal to the country on| Genitive. $= fy or balomgingito, Quod. a ry their anonymousanerits. Accusative. ce a we Eee Pool I've bean” General Bossover, very purple, says he doesn’t believe a word Vocative, Quod. . . . . Owe€t00,ormore, asthe ease may be. of it. Strikes amahoganyyend swears he should only like to catch ’em| “tive. Generally wanting (money). : at it. Thases to no plat 'te Quel, eve yen Caney be Bvoan et Rae, a 3 Pp. M—Tae Hon. Haney Coctrerren says—if he is not egregiously | more Quods at the same time; and it is su that when Quod has mistaken—he has passed Patwerstow on the Windsor Railway, going been through onee,mobody would be so f vas to wish togo through down. Boxsover declares, “in that case, Europe wil! be in a blaze ;| it again. ry a ; and France in London in a month.” | It is not known what is the origin of Quod, but it is strongly believed 3} Pe. m.—Sm Boosey Gorozen has the best information that New-| that idleness lies at the root of it. casTLe has refased all offers—Garanam will accept nothing—even Sai AD PM a Eg a watt dt GRANVILLE begins‘to'tremble—Dersy intends to have a continual fit a ¢ Siping ene doesn’t = see 7 way on in conclusion, Si Our Naval Progress. cma a despairing » “ what is to become of this devoted Twe Admiralty for ever! The other day, according to the Times, Ma. a Srupss (he et fate te Peasies on -¥ foundation, or the Mecama steamer . en a never could have been admitted,) to ask Sie B.G. if it is his! “Pat into Plymouth tn # thoroughly disabled state, unable to proceed ‘ matured opinion that “the art-of Government is any peculiar secret ? | lion of the Ritle Brigade to the Cape of Good Hope: Is it, like certain quack medicines, made a mystery to gull the ignorant} No doubt the Riflemen put back again as (see Lempricre) they took and the unwary? As thereis only one sun and one moon ”—(continues | ship—in a Fury. Mr. —- =" putting his nght —_ under his toes, ag ts Ch A approved platform fashion) —‘“ one sun one moon to lighten, comfort, | Pood for Foreign Powder. and support the world—so also is there only one party, the Whigs—and| T one all ae ; but sinee they now-a-days another party, the Tories—to govern it ?” sees Gump if the dn leschonmetaes M (Gawerat Bosover, in his loudest manner, gives it as his private | Be nd = — = “Anuight, pene meme in ben and confirmed conviction, that a man who would speak disrespectfully aay ae a rg aes action end ene giched by the of the sun and the moon—he meant the two parties—was a Radical, |“ 20° @ppear until they get 7 and, with — should be brought to a drum-bead court-martial, and | °"°™- a shot, sir—shot ! Mz. Hamppew Srvsss (certainly not hearing the General) continues | Bather ‘Bquivecal. to ask—“ if there is no such element in the nation as the people?” || A Mommie Paper, in an article on the Paris Exchange, says— (The General satirically calls for his luncheon—“Cold mutton and) “On the Bourse, at the opening, « rumour had been up that the President smal|-beer.” | bad been fired at, and with sueh success as to have caused a fall.” Mar. H. S.—“No such element as the people? Are wenotinacon-: Of which? President or prices?

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Primted oy William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper ee ree | lathe Parish of St. Pancras, and oa. the Preeinet taeCity of 32 PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI ==) ——— \) —— a : | ( ae oa 3 AK iN ih = | —>—__—_— 2 N ie 4 => | BINKS MAJOR (OF HER MAJESTY'S HOUSEHOLD TROOPS) GOERS TO SEE HIS “LITTLE BROTHER,” WHO HAS JUST TAKEN ORDERS. Binks, Minor, log. “An 1 You Can’T THINK HOW A FELLA SAVES, WHEN BE GOES | intro THE Cuurcn. I vusgp To Give Syossins Turez Guineas Por MY Boots, | AND wow I GeT THEM maDE FoR Two Pounp TwELve.” Binks, Major. “ By Jove !” THE GREAT CAB NUISANCE. | We have heard something of an Economic Cab Company with civil drivers | and clean vehicles, but if they ever made their appearance, they = clean gone | again before we became aware of their presence in the streets. udge from the —_ state of cab accommodation, we should say that a To feetion or | company had been formed in accordance ‘with a prospectus something like the | following :— METROPOLITAN MONOPOLIST CAB COMPANY, For Supplying the Public with dirty and incommodious Cabs at about eighteen-pence a mile, The object of this association is to force upon the public a bad and dear, as well as dangerous vehicle of conveyance, and to promulgate extortion by means of insult, in pursuance of the system at present only partially carried ont. The fare of the company’s cabs will or as much as can be obtained per half- Men of determined character only will be employed, and, by a system of mutual accommodation, the drivers will be expected to exchange their badges | with each other whenever they meet; so that the vexatious system of summon- ing, on the part of the as will be bailled, and eventually got rid of. on one will be received into the Company’s service as a driver, unless he has fined at least three times; and members of the prize-ring ‘will, in all cases, be preferred. Though the profits on the mere fares may be ca leulated at about one hundred and fifty r cent., it is hoped that, by a judicious working of cracked or broken ows in the vehicles, a still further advantage may be obtained at the expense of the public, in the way of compensation for damage— and thus an old cab may be made to purchase itself over and over again. bw projectors intend starting immediately with as many cabs as they can pick u the number will be increased to any extent that the public patience will al ae mile. Quack! Quack! Quack! Tue two ppotice in France—who are, the one for a King, and the other for a| Commonwealth—are easily distinguished by the names of Monarchists and Re- publicans ; but there is some difficulty in finding a denomination for those who | yet, strange to say, it is never so happy as when it is beating.— are in favour of an Empire—unless we bestow on them the title‘of Empirics. | LATEST FUN FROM FRANCE. (By Electric Telegraph.) Tue Moniteur publishes the ogee iti Decre “In the name of the French Peopie. “ The President of the Republic, “ Considering that the expression of public opinion is alto- “ gether dangerous, and ought to be wholly suppressed, “ Decrees— “That no Leaders shall henceforth be suffered to appear, “ except those ap inted to military commands. “ ‘That all Reviews are interdicted, saving those which may “ be held by the President. “ That, since whilst, on the one hand, it is undesirable to “a discourage Poetry, and on the othes, ves verses often contain | “ insidious allusions, the only Songs allowed to be publis “ shall be such as have been composed on the model mane - by Menpetssoun—that of Songs without words. “The Censor is charged with the execution of these Decrees. “ Given at the Palace of the Tuileries, Jan. 12, 1852. “* (Signed) Louis Napotzon Bonaparte.” J di) +} iu } IMA NCIT IZ ERs | UY Loe LINAPQ ‘To vOUR COWIP! LIBERT EARLY PUBLICATION*OF A LIBERAL PAPER IN PARIS. Time—Foar a.x. Inconsistency in the English Character. Tue character of Jouw But presents strange anomalies. Appended to advertisements for servants we constantly meet with the intimation that “ No Irish need apply.” It is singular that we English, who are so fond of the Turf, |} should exhibit so very unreasonable a cnable a prejudice against a Race. Woman’s Heart (A Contradickion), iichion can be s0 kind as a Woman’s Heart, and less likely to inflict a blow ; a Young Spooney. oe to Lombard Street, in of Whitetriars, in Prederick Mullett Evans, of No.7, Churcn Row, Stoke Newington, both in the County of Middlesex, Printers, at London .and published by them at No. %, Fleet Street, :m the Parieh of St. Bride, im the City of Loadoa.—Sarounat, January 17th, 1962. oo ea Ss eed m= @ > esc bse Me |

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 3 | THE APPROACHI NG SESSION, UR readers are informed that Punch has in preparation a Bill for the prevention of Cruelty to Quotations, which he means to bring in at an early period. The well-known tribe of quo- tations from the Latin Gram- mar and a few other sources have now suffered so long and so much, that advantage ought to be taken of a new session to come to some understanding sepeting, ee better treat. | ment. hat can be more! necessary than to take some | steps about the following? irst of all, there is our very A), old friend, Hine illa lachryme. ' Let honourable members make up their minds at once to let him alone. Nobody sheds tears on public occasions; why must we persist in this stupid and mendacious old formula ? Again, let us strongly sup- ress our ancient acquaintance, Zimeo Danaos, and lay him up in| Consmeliie retirement. You don’t fear the Greeks—on the contrary, | you dun them with line-of-battle ships; and honourable members oppo- site are not Greeks, if you did. Human nature can cue oa with patience to Rusticus expectat. | The treatment of him is too ; it is shameful. You are called on by every feeling of decency to refrain from meddling with him, for one session at least, Quis tulerit Graccnos, Sc., is infamously pulled about, “also. Remember that the use of it is a libel on the Graccui, to begin with; -_ that there are no Graccul, either “opposite,” or anywhere, within | earing. _ It is pleasant toreflect that Dulce et decorum has enjoyed a tolerable | immunity of late. Parcere subjectis, §c., has the highest claims on your kind consideration. | | Don’t drag him in, but act on the meaning of him, and spare your | audience. ' No good man will wanton! we feel sure. As for Quicquid delirant reges, 5c., we foresee that in the present re-| actionary state of Europe, he is in great danger. We throw ourselves | on your consideration. } ‘allida Mors was once very much persecuted. As for Tempora mu-| tantur, we are afraid that all the precepts of religion, and all the consi-| derations of philosophy, are unable to protect hem / } We hope that public indignation awaits the man who shall next aad to bring Video meliora proboque on the tapis. We have no objection to « moderate use of the services of that sturdy | old hack, Requiescat in pace, for he has a grave and hatchment-like sound, which tends to inspire decorous feelings. } But, with regard to the above-mentioned old hacks, we implore = compassion for them, and trust that our Bill will be heartily sup- ported. y offend #¢ tu, Brute, in his grey old age, | | = } THE ADMIRALTY REVISITED. By Mu. Pers his Ghost. Jan, 12, 1852.—To the Earth and so to the Admiralty, to see how they do Things there, now that with Steam and Mechanics and | Chymistry, and the Parliament and Government altogether so much | reformed, such Improvements I hear have been made since my | Time ; but Lack! to see what a State their Affairs are in; and| very little Alteration, if any, for the better in a single Matter: and in | much worse, and altogether all at Sixes and Sevens in horrid Confusion, mighty shameful. ‘The Megara, setting out with Troops for the Cape War, but ey oe to put back again, and it is thought that | if she had gone to Sea she foundered and lost all Hands, besides Stores and Ammunition, and Sta Cuartes Narrer do say she could neither carry her or Armament, and the Vulcan as bad, and also the Sidom, that after a tho h Refit at Portsmouth, and two Years in Port, did break both her densers, and so down, on her Voyage to Cork. In the Dock Yards continual pulling to Pieces and putting together again, especially of Steamers, through the Builders and Engine-Makers working Without ever so much as once con- ferring one with the other, which do seem a great Folly, and incredible, almost. But worst of all, the dreadful Conduct of the Victualling |and that is how they do the i killed great Numbers of Fishes. To Office, and to think of the Hubbub there bad been in the House and the Country when I had the Office abont such a scandalous Business, and thank Heaven we were ci ble with Nothing a thousandth | Part so bad! At Gosport Victualling Yard 6000 of the Canisters of Preserved Meat for the Navy, in Store, discovered to be good-for- | nothing, and worse, being all putrid, more or less, and not only that, | but many, besides, filled with Parts of the Animal unfit for Food, and all Manner of Offal and Garbage too nasty to mention. The Discovery, | as I learn, made through the Stench of the Provisions, which was so noisome it alarmed the whole Neighbourhood, and then at last the | Board did order a Search, and so the Murder, for it is little better, out. But to think of such Villany and Roguery going on, as it did, | ever since ] Complaints made from the very first in vain — Service! And then to think o oyages of Discovery, carrying such Stuff — for Food, and in Extremity relying upon it pe , do make my | Heart sick. The condem Provisions ordered to cast into the Sea, and taken out to Spithead, and so sunk, and the Sailors do say have Gosport, id see and smell Ships on foreign Stations, or some of the Meats called “Gotpwer’s Preserves,” which ma smelled a great way off, and do believe that if I had been a M the Stench would have poisoned me. Back to the Fields, pleased with myself to compare the Office in my Time with what it have come to | now : but sorry for the poor Sailors, and vexed at Heart to think how | and hug themselves because | careless as themselves, though | Sir W. Barren and Pew will trium their Successors are as indifferent an indeed not such Rogues. I do expect W. Covewnrry will be mighty grieved when he come to know what a Plight the Abuioiiy Destaste is in, and especially of this abominable Job of the Preserved Meats. And good Lack! to think of France in a Fever of Disquiet, with more than four hundred thousand Soldiers, their Fingers itching for Work, as they presently must be, and a Desperado Adventurer at their Head, who sticks at no Villany or Violence, and must, by and by, find them Employment; whilst here are we with our Dock Yards higgledy- piggledy, our Ships half unfit for Service, and our Seamen victualled with Corruption and Carrion; and, while the Country is beset with such terrible Dangers, this is the Way they serve the Navy ! 4 NEW METHOD OF GIVING A GENUINE CHINESE FLAVOUR TO ENGLISH TEA, They Won't Mend their Ways. PARLIAMENT Srrezt is in such a disgraceful state, and is so full of St. Alban’s Place; for it ts the dirtiest possible approach to the House of Commons. net Vou, XXII. E be | | mud and filth, that it really onght to have its name changed to that of

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: ‘| ne = ila abr | | 3 PUNCH. _OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ! A DESCRIPTION OF NIMROUD; | By One who paid his Shilling to go there. | ne View of Nimroud— which, after a lapse of nearly twenty-five cen- turies, Me. Burrorp| has kindlv presented to | the world again in| Leicester Square—may | be compared to an his- | torical potato-field, for it is full of diggt and diggings into “the | Past, more valuable than | any gold ones whieh | have yet been discovered | in California or Aus-| tralia. It is not every! day that a city, which | has been buried up- wards of 2400 years im| the earth, is turned up with the spadeof an antiquarian. The “ Barrow” (to make use of the technical term) that throws out so valuable a prize is richer than any gold mine. To test its real value, it must be shaken and sifted in no less a cradle than the Cradle of Civilisation itself !—that very eradle in which Nineveh, in its infancy, was rocked—but we are afraid that that cradle was destroyed long ago, when the Popes first attempted to rock the world asleep im it. Talking of the Popes, one would imagine that Nimroud had been completely put under by a Papal Aggression, as it was intended, a short time ago, that England should have been—only it wasn’t. All the temples are defended by enormous Bulls with human heads (crowns on the top of them, not unlike the tiara) and wings like those of Zamiel. | Our temples were to have been barricaded in a similar fashion ; but the | Papal Buils, if they had any wings, made very good use of them by| flying out of the country again as quick as they could. | The history of Nimroud was written, it seems, on the walls of the City. It is lucky that the History of England is not written in the | same way, for it would soon be recommended to “‘I'ry Warren’s;” | or else completely smothered in one of the sheets of Jt LLIEN’S tremendous posters ! ‘These walls were mostly composed of large slabs of alabaster, each ten or twelve feet in height; and on these were depicted battles, hunts, murders, picnics, and other manners and customs of the ancient Nimrods. These drawings were not only “plain,” but “coloured’ also, in the most gorgeous colours. In this they only resembled the Nimrods of the present day, who love to compete as to who shall most distinguish himself with “the Brush.” There is another uliarity about the houses of Nimroud. They have no windows. e are afraid, from this circumstance, that poor Nimroud laboured, as our English cities lately did, under a very heavy window-tax. This must have been all the more burdensome on the | Assyrian inhabitants, as from the fact of their houses having no doors j either, the Tax-gatherer could have walked in at any time. We cannot exactly say whether the view of Nimrond is like or not, | for we have never been there ; but it looks like. At all events, it is ex- tremely like'to be popular. ‘It is animated with Oriental groups, all | alive with the brightest colours, that seem planted about the fields like rich flower-beds ; and it has besides, a number of bright tents, which | remind one strongly of the Chiswick Gardens on @ Horticultural Fé te | day; but there the resemblance begins and emds—for there are no prismatic parasols, no lovely bonnets, no enormeus gooseberries, to | embellish the beau'iful scene ! But there is one great anomaly in Mz. Bornroxzp’s representation, | cleveras it is, which we cannot help noticing. By harity boy | knows that Nimroud was under , not aboveit. Now, Mr. Bur-| FORD'S view is somewhere up in attics, whieh gives one but a distant notions excavation. A painter's imagination is allow, t 1s true, | to take a high flizht; but six flights are rather too many, we main- | tain, for the correct representation of a Digging ! However, we may be too fastidious. It is well known that the chase | was a favourite pursuit of Numrod’s. So, perhaps, this tremendous | chase up stairs was artistically thrown in asa little joke, by way of| forerunner to the Panorama—only, of the twc, we certainly prefer the | Panorama. A Brief Leader on the Preserved Meat of the Navy. Tue proverb, that “what is one man’s meat is another man’s poison,” has been remarkably verified in the case of our contractors and our seamen. It is said that the fault lies in the nature of the metal of which the cases were made. Very probably. Most of the corruption in this world is produced by the Tin in it!—Zhe Weekly Obfuscator. THE PRACTICAL COOKERY-BOOK, —>_— THE STEAK. Arn.—* The Sea.” Or Steak—of Steak—of prime Ramp Steak— A slice of half-inch thickness Without a blemish, soft and In weight a little more tham a pound, Who’d cook a Steak—who’d cook a Steak— Mast a fire clear proceed to make: With the red above and the red below, In one delicious genial glow. If a coal should come, a blaze to make, Have patience! You musta’t put on your Steak. First ruab—yes, rub,—with suet fat, ; ao gridiron’s bars, then on it flat the meat ; and the fire soon | make it sing a delicious tune. hud when ’tis brown’d by the genial glow, Just turn the upper side below. Both sides with brown being cover’d o’er, For the moment you bro your Steak no more, ” But on a hot dish let it rest, And add of butter a slice of the best ; In a minute or two the pepper-box take, And with it gently dredge your Steak. When seasoned quite, upon the fire Some further time it will require ; And over and over be sure to tarn Your Steak till done—nor let it burn; For nothing drives me half so wild | As a nice Rump Steak in the cooking If ve lived in pleasure mixed with On fish and fowl, and mutton and beef; With plenty of cash, and power to range, change : | | | ena } | } But my Steak | never wished to For a Steak was always a treat to me, At breakfast, juncheon, dinner, or tea, ROASTED SUCKING-PIG. Am.—" Scots wha hae.” Cooxs who ’d roast a Sucking-pig, | Purchase one not over big; Coarse ones are not worth a fig; So a young one buy. See that it is sealded we (That is done by those who sell) ; Therefore, on that point to dwell, Were absurdity ! Sage and bread, mix just enough, Salt and pepper guantum 4 And the Pig’s interior stuff, With the whole combined. To a fire that’s rather high, Lay it till completely dry ; Then to every part apply Cloth, with butter lined. Dredge with flour o’er and o’er, Till the Pig witl hold no more; Then do nothing else before "Tis for serving fit. Then serape off the flour with care ; Then a butter’d cloth prepare ; Rub it well; then cut—not tear— Off the head of it. Then take out and mix the brains With the gravy it contains ; While it on the spit remains, Cut the Pig in two. Chop the sage, and chop the bread, Fine as very fines” shred ; O’er it melted butter spread— Stinginess won't do. When it in the dish appears, Garnish with the jaws and ears ; And when dinner hour nears, Ready let it be. Who can offer such a dish, May dispense with fow! and fish ; And if he a guest should wish, Let him send for me! ——o oe © BD yy

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 35 GRIMALDI v. BREADALBANE. Or all our Government ships there are none worse managed than | ! OUR BAROMETER OF THE PUBLIC HEALTH. As the doctor ascertains the health of the patient by the pulse, so we the Censor-ship (and this, by the way, is no light assertion,.if we are to pa in our estimate of the health of the public by consulting its as include the Megera in our list). Almost daily there arises new proof! of CoMMANDER LBaNE’S unfitness for his post. Almostdaily| we see fresh reason. to fear that Ais will form no exception te the general rule of inefficiency observed in our governmental appoimt- Scene ee ae Semen ipenmeens ¥ alee ; cases peculiar, we canmetsefrain from giving the par- ments. Not content with ever steering against the tide of popular in our correspondence ; and we regret to say that our for the present week is not satisfactory. malady most prevalent during the last few days has _ the ; and some opinion, he seems continually on the look-out for some remote roek or} ticulars. other for his unlucky “ Ship” to split upon. Certainly, if his Lordship would deign to accept a “ bit of our mind,” we would advise him in- stantly to take a few lessons in stage-seamansiip from Mr. T. P. Coo of his craft is to the service. “a the distriet of Sleepy Hollow, A. &Z. has laboured under the owing =— “Why are housemaids and gardeners sometimes idiots ’—Because or some other com professor of the art. A man so little master! they mopand mow. mee =. We are indebi foolin. The “ boards ” last honoured with his tread were these ofthe | isgrace to the Daily News for an account of the latest | .micted theatrical piece—of work his Lordship has condescended to play the} )i. Thiseis Soemestocking bn. but ous distriet nt tells us, ie Se person lives immediately over a eomie-so , to which fact condition must no doubt bestteibmied” F Another sad case of Conundro-mania has been brought under our Theatre Loyal, Marylebone. A scene in the pantomime of Sir John | votiee in quite another quarter; but we have ascertaimed that the Barleycorn, \t appears, was the magnet that attracted the censorial metal : a scene representing “The Drama at Home,” in Windsor Castle, and one WILLiaM SHAKSPEARE discovered, sitting (¢¢ sit perpedem / say we) at the feet of Royalty, at once the entertainer and the guest;— there canis |i a scene, be it added, perfectly inoffensive in ordinary eyes, and nightly —s ttle hope foe the prospests applauded by the thunder of ordinary voices. ' 3ut the eye of BREADALBaNE, by some peculiar process of its owm, of which it is hoped no one will disturb the patent, at once detected dis- respect, disloyalty—nay,. peradventure, even High Treason itself, far- tively lurking behind that scene—all innocent as it seemed. And the voice of BREADALBAWE wasnot as the Vox Populi: for the Breadalbaniaw wrath was roused ; and, lo! onasudden—snip! went the Breadalbanian | scissors ! * * * * * * * That we should forthwith be flooded with a Niagara of corres ce on the point, was-a perfectly obvious and expected seguitur. From the} proudly pre-eminent position we have assumed as the leading organ | of the day in literary, political, social and general matters, we were, | f course, naturally whose synonyme 1s ion, that we most feelingly regret our inability} to delight the universe with their very able and pertinent remarks. | “The present cro state of our columns” (to use a favourite edito- | rialism) is at onee our pride and our excuse. One exception, however, we must make, in favour of a communication which reached us yesterday, through the Dead Letter Office. We) were at first somewhat puzzled by the post-mark; but patience and an | opera-glass. at h enabled us to decipher, singly, the letters | 8. H. A. D. ELS; cracking the seal, we read as follows :— “Dear Puxen, “ Elysian Fields, just after Cock-crow. | “Anent this Censor—or rather, this In-censer of yours, for | your dramatic danders seem to be terribly ‘riz’ about him—E.uar| and I have been talking it over together, and have come to the| conclusion that the only way to get rid of his Lordship is (if it be} possible) to show him something as ridiculous as himself. Extan| suggests that our oldest jokes, and most recognised common-place-ities, | should all be introduced with a politely ironic acknowledgment of his Lordship’s “kyind indulgence” in permitting them. After this fashion, somewhat : “The Change Scene: Clown jumps out of Obdurate Unele: and after | initiatory topple, advances meekly to footlights, and prefaces his Maiden Speech thus: ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, By the express sanction of Tue Most NosLz THe Marquis or BazapaLBane, Hea Masesry’s present Lord Chamberlain, [ am most graciously suffered to observe that— | (relapsing into Clown’s squeak). ‘Here we are scary!!!’ “ | rather think it would ¢el/—eh ? “Yours in the Shade—considerably, “Jo, GRIMALDI.” *." We leave the proposed remedy in Dx. Fiexmose’s hands—as sured that his professional experience will enable him to advise his brethren how best to administer the dose. “ Like curetl: like,” say the Ho’ hists; and the prescribed treatment of lis Lordship’s absurdity will, we think, fairly test the soundness of their principle; It’s a long lane that has no turning” —and we trust that the old pro- verb may yet be verified in the Lord Chamber-lane. Carrying it Out. Tue reader is aware that the French President has ordered the erasure of the words, Liberté, Lgalité, Fraternilé, all over Paris. And —consistent man—while taking L. 2. 7. from the public, buildings, he has been careful, also, to take the £. s. d. from the Bank. aoa for it. And we assure our correspondents, | _ | into the mazes of the dance. sufferer belongs:to a family, many of whose members have been victims to the: same distressing malady. A: great wocle lost a situation in a commercial. during the last century, by a propensity for punning ; ‘ the perpetrator of tlie ng:— “ At what time were salt provisions first introdueed into the navy? | —When Noam took Haw into the ark.” It would seem from the returns presented at our office, that there re, during the last week, 1196 cases of would-be witticism, and vtieh, ailowing for the merease of population, is about 40 more than the weekly average of the last five years. We are happy to denote a dimi- nution of cases, in which the complaint is accompanied by those derangements of the organic principles of orthography and grammar, which were so numerous, until within the last two or three years. It is now very rarely that we have to notice an instance in which the painful operation of italicising is rendered necessary. BLOOM ERISM, Changarnier’s Invasion. Not long ago, Gewenan CuanGanwien declared himself ready, with only 10,000 troops, to. enter the metropolis. And the old soldier has kept an instalment of his word. C#ancaawrex i#im Londom, but the remaining ten thousand are yet to follow. AN INTERBATIONAL JOKE. ENGLAND is sometimes said to have the constitution of a horse, but it would seem that France is just now threatened with the constitution of an aas, Fustntape Potka.—The French are so prone both to revolutions and capers, that it is expected they will y introduce ball-cartridge

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ea Mat 36 PUNCIL OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKIL

aire € wii _— ee = — L

THE TAX-COLLECTOR OF 1852. CALL A SPADE A SPADE. A tHoroveH reform in the nomenclature of our ae d(v: i, A i

v SS << ‘wooden walls” is loudly called for by many persons, who are of opinion that the principal use of a name is to denote the quality of the thing it

JOHN BULL TO COLONEL COLT. Ox! Coroner Cort, A thunderbolt I’d buy—for no small trifle ; But that can’t be, And so let me Get your revolving rifle ! \ | HW A desperate blade, ¢ i] By whom are made No sort of bones whatever Of any crime, At any time The bonds of faith may sever ; Attack my shores, Surround my doors, Without a word of warning; me creep hilst 1’m asleep , And snoring, some fine morning ; " "

Rob my strong box, And seize my flocks, Herds, cocks, and hens, and pullets. I want your gun, Instead of one That fires so many bullets. To guard our wives, By six rogues’ lives, Whereof we ’re each the holders, If we take care With skill to bear Your rifle at our shoulders.

But, Cotz, alas! To what a pass— To what a sad condition— Have we been brought, Who fondly thought The World’s Great Exhibition Would bid war cease, And endless peace With all our wort weal send us, roy i Me 7 rvrer TraTsravy iv r+rTreyT,Trey®vwy». signifies, and that the present titles of the ships forming the british navy are for the most part rather imposing than appropriate. Accordingly, it is proposed to give our vessels of war appellations of a more characteristic nature, such as “‘I'he Blunderer,” “ The Bungler,” “The Apteryx,” “ The Beetle,” “The Slug,” “The Dumbledore,” &c. Such titles will at least serve to indicate the peculiarities for which our fleet, under the superintendence of its present controllers, | has become remarkable, and will in some slight degree redound, if not to the national glory, to the credit which is justly due to the Admiralty for the existing state of naval architecture. It may, however, be argued, with some show of reason, that a thorough improvement in the construction of Her Magesty’s ships would be preferable to any change, however suitable, in their denominations, and would, in fact, go very far to render any such alteration unnecessary. “The Sea-Cow,” “ The Dodo,” | Whilst its chief boon Is found—how soon— Your weapon to defend us! Loth, loth indeed, I’d “draw the bead ” On mortal upper story ; But just alarm Drives me to arm Against the fool of “‘ Glory.”

aT vs wreelrTrrayT Ww ena wr

WISE MEASURES IN THE CITY OF LONDON !! 8 arule,everybody ought to exhibit to other people the same liberality that he would expect his tailor to extend to himself: that is to say, to give them proper credit. Acting, as we always do, on this golden maxim, it is with great pleasure that we call attention to an uncommonly acute proceeding of certain Aldermen at Guildhall, on ‘Tuesday, last week, in ad judicating on a question of law. of the omnibus cross seats ; and, in order to ascertain

whether those seats were | sufficiently commodious, the worshipful magistrates adopted the sensible | step thus briefly described in the newspaper :— The point under con- | sideration was, the legality | of those gentlemen may be fully capable of riding “bodkin” in a Hawsom cab without inconveniencing his companions. But we do say, | as a general principle, that the very best test of the width of an omnibus seat, or any other, and indeed of the sufficiency of any given space to accommodate any given (human) body, is afforded by the person of a London Alderman. We hope that, in future, in administering | justice, the cir ic magistracy will always approach as nearly as they did in the foregoing case to the sagacity of the procedure resorted to on a _ ee occasion by the Hebrew Monarch who was the wisest of maukind. A Hair-Drawn Constitution. Tue French Constitution reminds us of a certain French Monk, who was wont, among other relics, to show a single hair of the Vinciw Mary. “ Behold,” said the Monk to the folks about him, at the same time drawing apart his hands—“ behold, and worship.” “ Worship!” cried a peasant, “why, I can't see the hair.” “Can’t see it!” ex- claimed the Monk, “ why, you presumptuous rascal, what would you have? For twenty years | have shown the hair, and never yet seen it myself.” Lovts Keccunel shows his hair-drawn Constitution after the like fashion: can he see it himself ? a tet Me eee oe Oe ..lhUC |]. CMF -. “‘ The Recorder and the Aldermen took seats in the omnibus, to try the effect on | themselves " we acquainted with the dimensions of the Recorder: and possibly each | Parting with things as they go. A QUESTION FOR THE SCHOOLMEN. We do not know the latitude of the Aldermen referred to: nor are Wat requires more philosophy than taking things as they come ?—

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WOoUde HH.L,, r \ ea - oe mw = » Si omen —s a ie . ~ or ; - * oe 2 TWoOOUd " N «SS January 24, 755 “ Z ‘> IF “ie A Gee Vb OOS ee ors 4, yy IN ys 7 « - Zs, s- MIG 4 sf, Z tt Oe,

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| | | | | } | } | THE PATENT MEDICINE HOSPITAL. | Tue subjoined advertisement isearnestly | recommended to the attention of | the nobility, gentry, and clergy who | patronise the Homeopathic Hos- | pital, and Homeopathy and Ho- meeopathists at large; and who} might just as well patronise a hos- | pital conducted on the principles of Patent Medicine :— HE PHILANTHROPIC GEN. TLEMEN who wish to purchase DR. G——’S MPRACULOUS RECIPE, (and make a fortune by establishing the health of the people), can be introduced to hun- dreds, who, after being given up for death by their medical attendants, are now one, two, three, and four stones heavier, al- though physicked powerfully every day during thetr being cured, and using from ten to forty pills each dose. For particu- lars apply to De. G—— & Sows, at —— Street, Glasgow, where they give free advice to their Patiers, | “Mesers. N——, G——, Agents for Edinburgh; more of whom are wanted at home | and abroad.” | Here is a chance for the “philanthropic gentlemen ”—and ladies—to | whom we appeal. Let them not pooh-pooh us with the put-off that | Da. G—— is a quack. What right have they to call him so? Have they ever tested the powers of his “miraculous recipe”? Was not GALILEO scouted and persecuted, from prejudice, without investigation ? | Ditto Cotumsus? &c., &c. If infinitesimal globules are not too diffi- | cult for their deglutition, why should they refuse to swallow G——’s pills—aye, by forties at a dose? Dr. G ’s pretensions may be| inconsistent with Homeopathy. But then, Homeopathy is inconsistent with physiological, pathological, therapeutical, and pharmaceutical facts. i Punch is wrong in stating this, the nobility, gentry, and clergy above alluded to,.do not know that he is not right. They have| never studied the laws of health and disease. What do those duchesses | and other persons of quality of either gender know about the science of | medicine? Yet they think no geese of themselves for forming an| opinion on that subject, into which they have not inquired, in opposition to the judgment of those who have made its study the business of their lives. Personal recovery, after recourse to an alleged remedy, without | reference to the question of post hoc or propter hoc, is sufficient for them. | Then, why not try G——’s pills? They will not take upon themselves | more decidedly than they do at present to contradict the Colleges of | both Physicians and Surgeons; both of which bodies, by patronising Homeeopathy, they virtually declare themselves to regard as either blockheads or impostors. By all means, then, let them do the same| justice to Dr. G—— that they do to Dr. Giosunes, and that the | seientific and enlightened Fart or Hotsowar did to Paoressor | ALDBOROUGH. THE HAUNTED AREA OF LAMBETH. (See a recent Police Report in the “ Morning Post.”) *T was past the dead hour of the night ; Through clouds uprear’d in fleecy piles The stars shone out ; the moon was bright : The cats were on the tiles ! The moonbeam kiss’d the crystal dome, And pale gree. |ustre faintly threw Upon the beasts that ’neath it roam, | Caged in the Surrey Zoo. And o’er a roof the high moon rode, That rose in Penton Place, hard by ; And slumberless in that abode A Housekeeper did lie. He could not sleep; but if he could PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. And, hark! again he hears the sound ! And quick as the electric Post, He skips below with silent bound, In time to see the ghost! A figure met his view ; It a blazing saucer eye, A of horrid light that threw on a rabbit-pie ! And there, that spectre in the cape come, as won’t, no doubt, to sup ; And now, in a Policeman’s shape, His pie was eating up! His step the hungry phantom scares ; It started guiltily, and, lo! Straight vanish’d up the area stairs, As fast as it could go! The features of it ’scaped his sight— So quick it flew; nor could he gain The number of the gobbling sprite, To summon it again. Advice of Extsorr, Lambeth’s beak, He craves in this mysterious case, Who bids him the Policeman seek On beat in Penton Place. But trow ye, would that officer The foul impeachment ever own, The victuals of the Housekeeper Even were he wont to bone ? Think, ere that Crusher you traduce, His garb a burglar might belie ; His form, perchance, the very Deuce Assumed, to prig the pie. ea $4 der) osm Me \ ~ “ IT say, Cook, will you ask the Policeman, could he step wp—there’s a Row in the next Street.’’ “NAPOLEON'S STAFF.” ave done so, be would not have slept. He watched—and there was reason good Why he this vigil kept. Strange noises had been heard of late Below his casement, and about This hour; and he, at any rate, Would the mystery out. The noise had wrought him little care, Used to the neighbouring lions’ roar ; But emptied was his safe, whene’er ”T was heard the night before ! Aut the aecounts of the French President are full of allusions to “ Napo.zon’s Staff.” On the 10th of April, 1848, the “Narotzow’s Staff” was a con- stable’s Staff—which harmless weapon, Louis Napougon, sworn in (the only public oath he ever kept) as a Special Constable, flourished on the side of Order. On December the 3rd, 1951, the “ Narouzom’s Staff” was enlisted on the side of cruelty and lawless oppression, and was changed from an |innocent Staff of wood into a | Bayonets ! | Of the two Staffs we prefer the “ Narorzow’s Stall” of 1646. | There is no bleed upen it ! murderous one of steel—a Staff of |

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40 PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CTTARTVART. TOM BOWLING’S PETITION TO MR. PUNCH. Her Majesty's Ship Boy-d’ ye-see-her, Spitted, January 17, 1852. T’orer evening, in the Foksle, Sir, as me and Harry Bane, Bitty Jones, and Dicky Waker, wos a takin’ of a drain, Ven we had spun our little yarns, and sung our little songs, Ve natterally turns to talk about our rights and rongs ; And, ses Bitty Jones, ses he—“I can’t abear—can you ?— ‘Them perwishuns as the pusser ’as purwided for the crew ; ‘Them kannisters, perfessing to be full of patent meat, Is crammed with things vich decent pigs on shore would skorn {0 eat. “They sez we British sailors is the bulwarks of the shore, That our hearts is hearts of oak, and a lot of gammon more ; sut they ort to hunderstand that such food would never do, Unless we’d heads of oak, my boys, and oak digestins too. “ They sez of one Mott Daver®* they bought this preshus stuff, And if that fact be true, vy the case is clear enough ; This Mout Davey as purwides such food as ort to schock ’er, Most natterally wants to send us all to Davey’s locker. Y ena wat ee Tk at Wen 2g ame CF ee 72) Tha % “ Such conduct can’t be born—so I’II tel] you wot, my men, ‘Tom Bow tne here, as used to be a skollard with his pen, Shall quick!y put our grievances all down in black and white, No ceremony usin’ in demandin’ of our rite.” So I’ve wrote it all at length, and I’ve sent it, Sir, to you, As hoping you will do your best to let us ’ave our due ; And if you’!! kindly print it, Sir, and put it in your log, Be sure we ‘|| drink to Mr. Punch whene’er we takes our groz Tom BowLine. ® Query, Can Ma. Bow.ixe mean Moldavia? MR. JOHN BULL LOOK3 UP HIS OLD MILITIA REGIMENTALS. E would institute a new Order—THE | ORDER OF THE LatTcu-KeY. Hitherto, Orders | have been of too | limited an order. They have been conferred on per-| sons distinguished | generally in war- fare. They are all refined | more or less with blood, | claiming in that respect a sweet affinity with sugar. Lately, a few Orders have | been given to literary merit; | but these shine very faintly, | and at long distances, like | the lamp-posts at Herne | Bay. But there are other he- | roes, surely, than military | and navalones? The Army | and Navy Clubs cannot, | = : = Ns possibly, monopolise all the | G —_ - Ag 1 — virtues in the world? Are| there not household virtues that claim honourable distinction just as much as those displayed on a battle-field? Are) there not battles fonght on the hearth-rug fully as glorious as those of Waterloo and Trafalgar ? | Yet these pass disgracefully unrecorded! they are not allowed to shine even with the smallest | twinkle of a Star! It is for this purpose we would institute Taz Onper or tue Latcu-kery. It should be| founded expressly for the encouragement and reward of social heroes and martyrs. Every | one who had fought the noble battle of domestic happiness should be entitled to claim it. Every husband who had bled freely at home should receive healing consolation for his wounds, by being presented publicly with the “ Latcu-Key.” We have purposely chosen the title of the “ Latcu-Key;” and we think it a very hapyy one, because, as the Latch-key is the proudest symbol of woman’s confidence in man, so the bestowal of it would imply the p»ssession of all the human virtues on the part of him who had proved himself a worthy recipient of it, None but the Perfect would entitled to it! The number of the Order, necessarily, would be very limited. These are the qualifications we propose, as indispensab/e in every candidate for the Order :— ’ He must have been married ten years ; but, if married to a widow, five years of service will | goe be deemed sufficient. During that period he must never have been out of temper once. He must have given money as often as it was | needed, and always in the precise sum that was asked. He must never have objected to go out shop- ping with his wife, or to take her to the Opera, or the Theatre, or to a Concert, whenever the fancy seized her. He must never have accepted an invitation into the country, or to a pienic, or to a breakfast, much less to a supper, unless he was duly accom- panied on each occasion by his wife. He must also prove that he never was known to object to any of the servants engaged in the household; or to express the slightest discon- tent, at any time, at the way in which the dinner was composed or dressed. He must never have kept his wife sitting up 2 him, excepting he had been detained on a ury. He must have received and treated his wife’s relations with the same cordiality as if they had been his own; and he must never have won- dered “how long they were going to stop?” whenever they brought their boxes to “ stop a | few days.” He must never have entered the hall, or gone | up-stairs, without first wiping his feet on the | door-mat. | He must never have attempted to read in bed. | He must never have poked the fire after he had been requested by his wife not to do so. He must never have fallen into the filthy habit | of taking snuff. He must never have belonged to a Club! He must always have respected, with the most unsullied reverence, the Bright Poker ! He must never have expressed a wish for | the removal of the child’s cot out of his | room. He must never have complained of the wash- ing of his shirts; and must have hada soul so far “above buttons,” as never to have “ made a | rumpus ” about the sudden loss of one. He must never have brought a friend home to dinner “to take pot-luck.” He must never have wondered “how the money $ , i He must have been perfectly free from al! pet‘y matrimonial vices, such as cruel sarcasms !evelled | aeweweawont’adceae=s> WBRrPen ££ Omorocxsd & «2 & a ee be CP OP —_— | “se my

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| either im his wife’s presence, or when she was away in the

head brevity in the President’s own newspaper. |

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

t curl- , or impatient snarls if he cannot instantly find his slip-| atc. or aatitioal complaints if there are no puddings for dinner, or| THE GRAVESEND EAGLE TO LOUIS NAPOLEON. clever witticisms cut upon the bonnet or velvet dress worn by his wife ; i in any way with the a or education of thet Y Dear Lovts, “ ind objections to birds, cats, dogs, or go ' “T am poor Eagle undue 1 in any of the thousand li contrarieties, | - whom gou bought at Gravesend rial t i ich, on the part of the husband, tend so materially , e-4 for Liew. Don’t you to ruffle the smoothness of the domestic hearth-rug. 4 ; , recdllect you carried me in the And lastly,—for, after all, these are two of the most apectent | Vi steamer 40 when we i cations—he must never have smoked in the house, M4 f were both —gour flight country ,— A on that-eccasion being as mpid objected to act as warming-pan, by always as my own? | going in winter to bed first, “| waskept asa trophy for The Husband who, after a trial of only ten years, presented himself, si p some time at the Caseme. ' My qualifications—duly attested by j ; feet were chained to the guaranteed by two old maids, whose i "9 pagne-ease, whieh, you must re- | not less than 110 years,—would be | PS ies member, you also took with you Order. And we maintain that the i, De that memorable oogasion, ] headeeof the Army. Little chil- the proudest General who strutted i ie deem game and laughed at me. about with the Garter round his leg, or the craftiest Diplomatist, who | : pointed their um- 41 =—=s

| | | most aristocratic Saion with a whole firmament of Stars | IE IN brellas and their jokes at my | . CW ie n would courtesy reverentiy to him, and men, ey SA) forlorn condition, I was the ld take their hats off, as to a superior being. ae a langhing-stock of the whole “ Ornper or tue Lanrca-key” would soon rank Hii ni sth place. ; and exclusive Order in the World. We should ‘ ufiaraseret “ | sickened, of course, during after its institution, there was a single Bachelor left in CARN - | captivity. My eagle-eye lost would marry upon the mere chanee of belonging AR thy all its fire. I could not look 4 } Ny uills. I was rapidly dwindling down wonder is 1 didn’t die of pip. No! the proud thought should rise some day kept the godly ichor withim me. = he, . ; Mi) - “I heard, my dear Louis, that you also were imprisoned, and DAI ahs ae . | suffered much the same as 1 did. I for you—and | ask you to feel be be better than 260; 6 better than 60, and | better than 6. the restoration whieh you have accorded te:all other The deliberations of the Assembly will not, henceforth, be allowed to | * é' the Abattoi run verbosely riot in the public prints, but will be given with drum-| I remain, my dear Louis, at the ir, “ Awaiting my liberation, The Legislative body will pass laws, but will neither originate nor | “ Your favourite Bird, amend them. a . . es . . . ae j TEs EaGiz.” Much time having been lost in vain interpellations, no questions will Tue Gravesend EsGie answered. be asked ; or if asked, none | “P.S.—If you refuse to receive me at the Tuileries, or the Opera, will | _ Another assembly bears the name of the Senate. It will be its fanc-| you give me a free passage by the first steamer back to Gravesend ?” tion to deliberate aecording to the direction of the President; and will | 2 contain all the illustrious names and talent that may not have been | ve — the ple remains master of its destiny. Revolvers for the Cape. : , : are the ideas, such the principles, that you have authorised me’ We are told by the papers that directions have been given to permit | | to apply. CoLowgn Cot to export 450 revolving fire-arms of various sizes “ for A Te Deum will be performed in aid of the blessings promised by the | officers at the Cape.” And why not—Punch asks—for the common | Constituti : ? lieensed to shoot Kaffirs? Or, are Amstituizon. Amen Louis Napouzon Bonaparte. soldiers? Ase officers only to be : Palace of the Tuileries, Jan. 14, 1852. N.B. Mr. Punch begs to acknowledge the courtesy of the President’s English penman, the Editor of the Morning Post, for an early copy of S81tNG—and has not been heard of since the 2nd of December last—the the above precious document. | YA Spirit of the French Nation. soldiers ?

Kaflirs to be still permitted, at a long shot, to bring down common |

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Rene eat te BRS Sheeswle ee es ia, Ne | each other that mutu ee ——__— PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARSY Am ALLOCUTION TO THE POPE. Y pEAR Pore,—I see that you have bel expressing your gratitude to the Fr army for what it has done in France, or rather what it has been employed to do by Louis Naro.eon ; and your Jesuits and — emissaries and —— are every where rejoicing at the support afforded by the military power to your priesth throughout the Continent senerally. ere I in your place, now, I should take a very different view of affairs. My situation would occasion great grief to my paternal heart, as you say, in your | flowery manner. I should consider my- self dislodged from the hearts of men, ‘ and should regard it as no triumph that . | was imposed on their shoulders; a es untenable for any length of time F by the help of troops, however nume- rous. You would not, my dear Pore, I think, derive very much pleasure from the sight of Sr. Perer’s Cathedral shored up! with posts and beams of iron and timber. | I cannot see any reason why you should be more happy to bebold the See | of St. Peter—as you call the Papacy—leaning on cannon and bayonets. | The secular arm may be used with some advantage to wring the | joints or scorch the nerves of individual or isolated heretics. But to | be obliged to rest upon it entirely, my dear Pore, is a proof that—if I may address you in the Janguage of your most devoted servants—you have no other leg to stand upon. ; 1 should be afraid, my dear Pore, if I were you, that few now retained any faith in me, except the despots upholding me, and that | their sole belief in me was a mistaken notion that I had a hold on the} superstition of their slaves. 1 should fear that the alliance of Tyranny | and Popery was a compact between the blind and the blind to render assistance, the necessary result of which you know, of course, although you may keep that information from your votaries. Yes, my dear Pore—slightly to vary one of our juvenile poems— Hush-a-by! Pontiff, upon the sword’s prop; When the world moves the Popedom will rock ; When the prop breaks the structure will fall, And down comes Papacy, Pontiff, and all. And wher that catastrophe arrives, don’t say that you had not fair | warning of its approach from PUNCER. THE SEVEN WONDERS OF A YOUNG LADY. 1. Keepine her accounts in preference to an Album. 2. Generously praising the attractions of that “ affected creature” who always cut her out. 3. Not ridiculing the man she secretly prefers—nor quizzing what she seriously admires. 4. Not changing her “ dear, dear friend ’’ quarterly—or her dress | three times a-day. Reading a novel without looking at the third volume first; or | writing a letter without a postscript ; or taking wine at dinner without saying “ the smallest drop in the world;’ ’ or singing without “ a bad | cold ;” or wearing shoes that were not “a mile too big for her.” 6. Seeing a baby without immediately rushing to it and kissing it. 7. Carrying a large bouquet at an evening party, and omitting to ask her partner “ if he understands the language of flowers.” Switzerland in Danger. Tue Zimes enumerates the many dear obligations owed by the French President to Switzerland. In which case, Punch would earnestly | advise Switzerland to be prepared for a tremendous instance of the President’s gratitude. “ SENTENCED FOR TEN YEARS—” Tue President of the Republic has been elected for ten years. We | think that, by that time, not only will the term of the President’s | power, but the prosperity of France will, also, be—Decade (Decayed). oe A Queer Query QuasHep.—We have long been puzzled to know | to what Book we should ascribe the oft-quoted “‘ Chapter of Accidents.” | Experience, however, is now daily convincing us, that the Book in| question can be no other than Bradshaw’s Railway Guide. A DREAM OF REVOLUTION. We dreamt that a revolution had taken place in England ; though to dream such a thing, of course, we had a most extravagant vision. Wed t that we were not blessed with a Vicroxta THE First, but cursed wih a James THE TuiKD, who, instead of resis‘ing the Papal Age , bad backed it by making Srr James Granam Prime Minister, with a Cabinet composed of the Irish Bri and had appoi CarornaL Wiseman for Lord Chancellor. we dreamt a Smg insurrection had occurred, andgJames, having shaved off his w iskers had escaped to Paris under the name of Monsieur Tonson. Next we dreamt that a Provisional Government had been formed, coming of the contributors to Punch; that the Chartists bad risen icaded Cheapside and Fleet Street, but had been defeated with much slaughter. After these events, that the people had unanimously elected SmitH O’Brien Protector of the British Commonwealth, and that the hero of the cabbage-garden had been recalled from exile to sit in the seat of Cromwe.t. Lastly, we dreamt that Smrrn, not being able to get on with his Parliament, upset the established order of things, at a blow, early one morning, shot several thousands of those who happily are, as it is, Her Masesty’s subjects; suppressed the Zimes, and all the other news- pers, except the Morning Post ; compelled Lory Jonw Russet, the Juxe or Wetutnoton, Mr. Digsraeut, and all our chief soldiers and statesmen to leave the country; sent CoLonet Srstaore and Mr. Punch to the Tower; packed off Lonp Brovcuam in a police van to Coldbath Fields Prison; transported Messrs. Batcut, Hume, and Conpen, with a multitude of their constituents, to Norfolk Island; and con- cluded by giving old England a new Constitution, creating a House of Lords to legislate with closed doors, and a House of Commons wherein Ministers were not to sit, which was not to originate, or move amend- ments on, any Act of Parliament, and the debates of which were not to be published, except as doctored by official authority. We woke, crying, “Oh! oh!” and found that our vision had been a case of what philosophers call “suggestive dreaming ”’—suggested by recent events in France, the realities of which were even worse than anything we had dreamt of. A PUFF OVER THE LEFT. No More Pitts, nor any oTHER (Quack) Mepictwg. — Fifty Years’ Untnterrurtep Heatra has been succeeded by Dyspepsia, Nervousness, Asthma, Cough, Constipation, Flatuleney, g, ms, Sick. ness at the Stomach and Vomitings, Loss of Appetite, Gaietiiion, Sleeplessness, Determination of Blood to the Head, Giddiness, Despair, Melancholy, Horrible Thoughts, Aversion to Society, Palpitations of the Heart, Blushing, Bad Legs, and Temptations to Suicide, after trying Bosu’s good-for-nothing stuff, called the Health-restoring AMBROSIA Otymrica Atiment.—Sextina Jotty Gruntuam, Poo, near Shaw, Fiddlesex. Also, similiar ‘l'estimonials of Cure from Lorp Rewrrt DE Quorties; the Ven. AncHpeacon Duwy, of Jericho; Georrry Hux- GuUDGEON, Esq, Barrister, Prince’s College, Bambridge; and 500,000 other equally well-known and respectable parties. In (idea!) canisters, with full directions to throw behind the fire, at 0 per canister, at Punch’s Office, 85, Fleet Street, where every variety of patent. medicine and universal remedy is disposed of in Numbers, 9d. each, and 4d. with the Government Stamp. The Suspension of Liberty. Iw honour of the vote for Louis Napotzon, “the tower of Notre Dame was decorated with hangicgs.” Considering the origin of the present Government, which is based on so many shootings, the decors tion by means of hangings is not inappropriate. Printed by William Bredbury,o1 No. 13, Upper Wobere Place, in the Parish of St. Paccras, end Frederick Mullett Evana, of No.7, Churen Rew, Office in Lombard Strert, in the Preeinet of Whitefriars, in the City of London. and Published by them at No, 96, Fleet Stoke Newington, both im the County of Middlesex, Printers. «°° Street. in the Parish of St. Bride’s, m the City of Londoa.—Satenpar, January 2th, 55

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. COAST DEFENCES. LARMISTS we are not; but really, when we were at Margate last summer, we could OUR not help wondering what | the Beadle — the only visible authority in the place—would do in case of an invasion. Even suppose the Camera Ob- scura were to be fortified, it would not hold more than a solitary gun; and, as to the few fishing-boats, not all the donkeys that Margate contains could convert the craft into jackass frigates. Besides, we fear the habits of the Margate population, who bow their heads mecha- nically to every fresh arrival, would induce them, f-om the mere force of custom, to receive even a foreign foe with the ceremonious _ politeness usually shown towards arriving customers. We fear that if Gewerat Sr. ARNAUD, at the head of an army, were to land upon the Jetty, he would | he invited to take six hot baths before he had marched to the top of the High Street, and that a whole string of flies would be placed at his disposal by the obsequious drivers, amid cries of “ Ramsgit,” from a crowd of mercenary competitors. We have no doubt that the French | general would at once be “asked in” at all the bazaars, and invited to | put down his sixpence, as one of sixty in a raffle for a talking doll, or a | muffineer, or a set of china jugs, or some other of those watering-place prizes, which are usually won by somebody who has gone away a week ago, and forgotten all about it. Our Coast defences are certainly not strong at Margate; and, at | Brighton, things are not much better; for though the pastry-cook declares in his window that he “supplies Balls,” there is nothing apparently from which Balls could be conveniently fired. It is true that, towards the end of the West Cliff, there is a pile of round iron | things, which are popularly supposed to be ammunition; and there is a cannon at hand; but we rather fancy that the round things alluded to are considerably too large for the cannon’s mouth ; and, even if they could be thrust down its rude throat, they would be not unlikely to stick in it. Under all these circumstances, we think it would not be objectionable to make our watering-places somewhat more suitable than | they are for firing places in the event of the approach of an enemy. THE SHARP-SHOOTER’S CHORUS. Towxs.—“ The Hunteman's” ditto. Ox! who, when our own native land is in danger, Whatever his disinclination to strife, Wouldn’t learn how to shoot like a wild forest ranger, For his country, his business, his Queen, and his wife ? Oh! pick that Jouw But out his cash who’d not pull out,— Some five or six guineas would be the outside,— And that little trifle invest in a rifle, Of any invader to riddle the hide! La, la, la, &. Come all you bold sportsmen, dead certain of dropping The pigeon so fleet as it soars from the trap ; And you whose delight and amusement is popping Away at the Sparrows—come, every young clap; The chase in the bushes of black birds and thrushes, The wagtail’s pursuit, it is time you should quit ; Young Epping and Tooting, come now give up shooting The tuneful cock-robin and noisy tom-tit. La, la, la, &c. The finch on the palings, the fowl on the railings, _ Henceforth must no longer afford you a mark ; Nor sitting or oneng mas you go on flinging Your powder and shot all away on a lark. You slayers of pullets—at targets, with bullets, Now leaving the poultry alone, must let fly ; The ducks and geese sparing—to muster repairing, With nobler endeavour to strike the “ buil’s eye!” La, la, la, &e. Abed, after sunrise, no longer lie dozing ; Get up like a Briton and haste to the drill, Again, too, at eve, when the shops, early closing, ‘The prentice and foreman release from the till. Go, surgeons, physicians—all sorts and conditions— Go, tailors, go, artists who fashion the shoe, Go, butchers, go bakers, and even, ye Quakers, For once stretch a point, if you can, and go too. La, la, la, &c. Go, lawyers—postponing the business of suitors— Should foreign aggression on Britain impend ; And leaving sharp practice, the skill of sharp-shooters, The cause of the nation acquire to defend. Up trees, behind hedges, ’mid rushes and sedges, | From thickets and brakes, from church-tower and house-top, Let each hand be ready, determined, and steady, Unerring of aim, at the rascals to pop. La, la, la, &c. MEETING A GAS-METER. | Or all the nuisances of living in a cheap neighbourhood, none is to be | compared—not even the organ nuisance—to the one of having to meet jon your way home some fifty jets of gas, which rush up to you as if they had something confidential to whisper in your ear. Butchers particularly encourage this nuisance. They’cannot turn the gas inside their shops, for then there would be a chance of all the joints which | were hanging in its proximity being slowly cooked by gas; so they | twist it outside, and roast the public with it. | A t writes to say that, during the culinary process, he | has had a valuable new hat done to a turn, and a whisker completely burnt to As he has to meet this ' us broadside every night, ihe is afraid that the other whisker will soon perish under a similar fire, and he wishes to know if he cannot recover damages for the assault, which he modestly values at £500—£250 each whisker. We will lay the case before Mr. Barervess. Dr. Darling Outdone. ) LECTRO-BIOLOGY.—M. LOUIS NAPOLEON BONAPARTE will 4 continue his Series of Experiments on the People in « Perfeci\y Wakeful State, who will go down on their knees to him at the word of command ; imagine themselves to be , and M. Bowararts their Owner; believe him to be ALEXANDER TaE Gueat, Jocros Casan, the Cairn Hanouw Atnascurn, &c.; and exhibit, in every particular, the most perfect Subjection to the Will of the Operator. Palace of the Tuileries ; daily, till further notice. VOL. XX1I.

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P te er eo ath he ~ ei te ‘ a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI CREDAT JUDAUS! S our old friend the “Asian Mystery” has again made its appear- ancein Ma. Disrae.i’s Bentinck, we regret that it does not seem to be attracting as much at- tention as it used to do. And yet it is backed up this time by the “Se- mitic Element!” This troublous times, a guide is very much wanted; and we should not neglect a gentleman who, when the public ro to glory are all in confusion, proposes to imitate the Strand omnibuses, in a similar dilemma, and take us there — through Holy- well Street. It must be admitted : / that Mr. D. is thorough- th A. As ly national. For as the ja 2 Wi f great art of the — ia e : Jew is to invest age We KE raiment (or to adopt a - phrase borrowed from the language of the Northern Barbariana—“ Ov’ cto”) with the gloss and loveliness of youth, so doth he endow old thi with brilliant newness. The Jews are no longer Jews to him, but “Sephardim” or “ Bedouin Arabs,” or “conservators of the Semitic Element ;” and thus Hounds- ditch becomes beautiful to the by the national art. The Jew, whom we know—the guardian of Lane—the mild pilgrim of Ratcliffe Highway—when di im the patent ink of Mz. D.—comes out glossy and romantic as a Syrian Emir, The art is undeniable. But how do these ereations—wear? Will our theoretical garments fit? do they fly asunder in theseamse when tried on by the logreal Bar- barian? Let us try. Let us stop the gentleman who eries “ Ow’ clo,” | and see. | the Beautiful (with » big was dead! And the Jews are our musi- cians. Well, there is nothing like imstraction! We did think that the Northerns had done something for the Beautiful (with a big B), in the persons of Shakspeare, Milton, Keats, and Pemnyson ; to say nothing of # painter and a cathedral or two. And we_uased to have a National mmsio in one or two countries. But no! The Jews did it all, The real music is that of the Jew’s Harp! __ There was a thing called Progress, in Burope, which meddled a good deal with old institutions. Would you know what French Revolution and all ?—“ The revolt of the Celts.” ¥thnologists have discovered other elements besides the Celtic in the French people. And certain Teutonic writers have helped modern en ee a good deal. But no: the Celts revolted, and that’s what it all amounts to. Poor Celts! Why, we used to believe—judging from Ireland and Brittany —that they were the most faithful supporters of all “‘ ou’ clo” extant in Europe. Well! The Jews, it seems, are conscious of their ill-treatment. They join Secret Societies. They (for the evils complained of by the Barbarians have nothing to do with it; their leaders are nobodies) topple over thrones with delight. Bless us, what a picture! And what does it suggest? Now, we know why Suapracu is a Sheriff’s Officer! “ AM is race.” What a picture of cool malignity is this! Smapkacu taps us on the shoulder with a fiendish luxury, and exults in dragging off the Northern Barbarian. He luxuriates in locking up the Frank in a s ing-house; he charges him for the “‘ Semitic Klement,” and sticks it on to the chop and sherry. A theory so beautiful demands every ornament. No wonder Messrs. Aaron employ a poet. The Hebrew loves the Beautiful. But why does not Mr, Disragci give the charm of verse to the advertisements of his theoretical “slops?” May we offer him our humble verses in that line; and present him with the Song due _to his Race—though he who sings be but the lowly Frank ? But for Masie—quoth ~ D.—we might say, that im modern times We all are now by cold within The lonely house confined ; Tis time we all should get some Win- ter Clothing for the Mind. > is a pity. In these) it all amounts to— | B. Disraz xt invites all Gents To his new stock, so smart, And will, at very small expense, Keep warm the youthful heart. ' His Hebrew Cloak is fitted so (With new Semitic Hood), It hides whatever ’s worn below, And still to turn is good! -—¢ Vests, to euit an open breast,’ . D.’s warehouses keep; And for poor farmers name 4 distress’d, Protection Buekskins—cheap. This sort of rhyme would answer very well to the reason we have | been dealing with. | } A NATIVE AND FOREIGN PROFESSOR. A certain Provessor Tay or is advertising “Marie, ~~, + ’ \and Ventriloquism, Parisian Delusions, Indian and Chinese sg | However great an adept the Proresson may be im Ventriloquism, | Clairvoyance, and Magic, we will back Louis Naroteon against him |in the production of Parisian Delusions that really impose on the Parisians, and in the performance of Feats of Oriental Despotism equal to any ever exhibited in India or China, D1 CHAT ORS | WJ Ww - ZS WJZ | or O 7 _— a A Perfect Character. The Daily News (which, by the way, has been kept out of bad com- | pany, by being prohibited in Austria) expresses astonishment that the | French Thing-a-mee (otherwise President) should determine upon confis- | cating all the property of the Oxteans family. Now, where is the matter for surprise ? ape ted the character perfect, the assassin of the liberty | of a nation, has only to become the robber of a family, | = A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE, “ Goose-Cruss” have been plentifully prevalent in London this Christmas. But at Paris, we should say, such is the pleasantly existing state of political as well as social liberty, that the “Clubs” are prin- cipally “ Gone-Goose” Clubs now. Something Racy. NumeRovs important subjects are now before us; but the topic most worthy of our attention, at present, we consider to be that of GoLpNER’s Preserves, since we certainly could not fly at higher game.

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ve PEEP s% this ting yrin- — a PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL OPINIONS OF A CRACK OFFICER ON “WHEN FOUND, MAKE A NOTE OF.” MILITARY FIRE-ARMS. Sarp Captaris Ganpaw of the Pinks, As he was laying down the law— How odd that ev’wy fella thinks We wun such wisk in case of waw! Why, shawly, Britizh troops can do Again what they have done befaw; We licked the French at Wataloo, And what’s the use of saying maw ? Mr. Powcn fearlessly challenges the civilised Universe, not excepting even the Editor of Notes and Queries :— To find a present Panto- mime without at jeast a dozen Bloomers in it. To find a single convert to Vegetarianism among our There ’s some new wifle daily plann’d vane aay ol )“ Distressed and By men who go, and wite, and jaw Of what they cannot undawstand ; oat teen we want. now wiles oa ! pwetend our won't hit ; Our twiggaws are too hard to dwaw ; Our bullets made too sma!! to fit ; Our musketwy not wawth a stwaw. I don’t believe in that new shape For bullets—which | nevaw saw— To sheot the Kaffaws at the Cape, And to pwoteet our native shaw. Of fiwawms we have lately hawd Enough to make us sleep and snaw ; Improve their caliba! Absawd ! n shawt, a Caliba’s a Baw! To find a possible excuse for the enormities that fol- lowed the late Presidential coup @ clad. To find a gentleman of ae A aupaemant, ate wo enjoy proapeet © few months’ reaidenee a! To find * hereditary Cyan a ay , ciently sanguine to expec an ultimate aixpence. To find a certificate of the birth of owr modern Mz- ey = Syme SSS ‘0 @ commonly cau J tious Inewnanee Company MR. DISRAELI AND THE JEWS. | willing to effect x Poly for Some of our contemporaries bave fallen fou! of Ma. Disnarn, for | . ‘ a single twelvemonth on certain hardy opinions im his Political Bicgraply of Lon Guonon | ‘se pf the TittleGrest Autoanet of Manes. verge Commis Bentinck, touching the Jews. Ma. Disnanis justifies the act that | i cners : for thet the Thames ne ii -—~ 4 made the Hebrews an outcast people. He says :-— » aay a —_— | cease, eventually, to be the Main Sewer of the Metropolis. . “The immolators were pre-ordained like the vietim, and the holy race supplied both-. ‘To find an imhabitant of Knightsoridge (publicans and housemaids, Could that be a crime which secured fur all mankind eternal Joy ? which vanquished | of course, excepted) who really does not think that the 7imes-suggested Batas, and opened the gates of Paradise? | banishment of the barracks would be an inestimable blessing to the Hence, the Jews, by that tremendous act, are the great benefactors of neighbourhood. And— . mankind: a fact that Mr. Disraew is, no doubt, prepared most lo find a ditto ditto (exceptis nullis) who really pores think the logically to work out. Now, if the “immolators” were the means of SisrHoRe-suggested banishment of the Crystal Palace would be at all securing to mankind eternal joy—what about the arch-betrayer ? Surely | ‘he ditto ditto, we owe adebt tohim. Let Me. Dismagti ponder this, and propose a 'o find a better target for an experimentalising Caffre than the bold great recognition of the benign treason. We make him a present of a|"d brickdust-coated British Soldier. ttle for a pamphlet (supplementary to the Political Biography). It is| 1° find any one of our Almanackic Zapkrexs who will rashly risk his | prophetic reputation by predicting that the present year will pass without another “ Revolution in Paris” heading the big posters of our a weekly contemporaries. To find a man of such daringly-imaginative disposition as to have EPIGRAM ever py song A nee the remotest expectation of our ultimate : : ; | release from the Income-Tax. Induced by the Consecutive Perusal of some few dozen of Lovis | ‘Yo find the British Sailor who doesn’t hope most cordially that, for Napoieon’s latest Deerces. the “Sons of Sea Cooks,” through whose omens os tery our “ ee _: 0 ships’ preserves (?) are now in such a pickle, there’ll soon be found a o eee nn » oe ‘a Pe recy — , }rod or two in a thoroughly similar condition. - Considering” how may jum . the cat: fo find the British Ratepayer who doesn’t think ‘hat Master Joux "Tis clear enough that Lrrri ms >a | Buin has, one way and another, been made to ; knuckle down” pretty Has now pat cn his “0, ~ de ime Can” considerably, with his Marble, at Cumberland Gate. put Ansigermg Uap. !'o find the difference between “ President” and “ Emperor” in ————— ~ | Louis Napoieon’s own private Phrase-hook. To find an individual of sufficient hallucination to suppose that the Mr. Goldner's Antecedents. |hash of the Caffres would ever have been settled under Sin Hanny this. Shall Jupas Iscantor have a Statue ? SeveraL correspondents and others have asked us, “Who is|>™!T#’S mis-Government. ; ad Goupwer,” the purveyor of the celebrated naval preserves? We|_, 1° find a single convert to Bloomerism among the “Maids of merry believe we are correet in stating that Ma. Goupwer is the son of a| England” (those at the “ Public” Bar alone excepted). os a sea-cook, and that he has followed his father’s profession in such a !° find the honest workman who ever yet was bettered by a * Strike. manner as to justify the feeling with which such a parentage is ‘ pda ia Fiaetagners Stone, or—its twin-brother—a clean one in ye City streets. generally spoken of by sailors. To find upon what innate principle of vitality Louis Naprotrow ae 7 expects his “ Constitution” to maintain its existence. A FRENCH CARD. To find a nicer country than Caffraria for a nervous emigrant to . ttle in. A certarx Professor in England advertises lessons in “ Dancing and —_ f reserve our severest trial to the last, of course— Deportment.” Prorgsson Louis Napoieox, who gives balls at the’ To find a Policeman, or your own Umbrella, when they are either of Tuileries, and sends French citizens to Cayenne, may be considered as them wanted a teacher of Dancing and—Deportation. by: a a Tae Deracers or tar Woops ome or Otp ey a wae “Wart cannot be cured, must be endured ;” as the Keeper of Eddy- 2e¥ Government ship, whether man-of-war or steam frigate, is always stone Lighthouse said of the chimney that would smoke. a so pulled to pieces, and changed, transformed, and deformed, after its | doing everything they could for the eomplete and entire break-up of the Puxcn’s Cousset to Louis NaPotzoy.—Stop, thief! | Briteoh Navy ! | construction, that one would imagine the Lords of the Admiralty were |

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ee ee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL " ‘ha a chy : = >» ER i ie! be y LX ey =~ * » AS NYY ha VN m7 . i ™ hb i at es ’ Ete > y ie 7 Sane bs 4 NAN Wea eS UR a werd at - OUR NATIONAL DEFENCES. THE DOUBLE POST AND RAILS—A SERIOUS MATTER TO FOREIGN HORSES. STRIKING REMARKS. OR a motto, “Honi soit qui mal y pense” will do. So will “* Nemo me impune lacessit.” “ Dieu et mon Droit” will also serve; and this latter reminds us of a saying, or maxim, which, mutatis mu- tandis, comes to the same thing: “A fair day’s wages for a fair day’s work.” Mr. Punch is the uniform and consistent advocate of early closing ; except now and then at an exceedingly pleasant party, when his feel- ings of gallantry and convi- viality get the better of his hygienic principles, and he goes on dancing (after a hearty supper) till three o’clock in the morning. All the logic, rhetoric, pathos, comicality, irony, burlesque, that Mr. Punch possesses, and any other abilities or powers with which he ma have been endowed, will therefore always be exeried to induce the employer to concede reason- able leisure for rest and recreation to the employed. Mr. Punch is disgusted when he hears the Capitalist call himself “ Capital” and term the Labourer “ Labour,” and act towards him as A, —nardes ty call Go A = r Abstraction to Abstraction, instead of as Man to Man. Nor does) Mr. Punch ever \ose an opportunity of insisting on the short-sightedness | and folly of such unwise as well as unfeeling conduct. But Mr. Punch, in enforcing the social claims of the labourer considers it necessary, not only to limit himself to constitutional | |of Poor Law doctors against measures, but to confine himself to means which are practical : and, in acting for themselves, Vr. Punch would recommend workmen to follow his example. Hence, it may be surmised, that Mr. Punch would deprecate the course of operatives banding together, with a view to coerce employers into adopting such and such arrangements respecting hours or rate of work, and amount of wages. Mr. Punch does not question the right to combine: he only says that two can play at that game. The game played at is the game of starva'ion; and Mr. Punch is of opinion that ** Labour” would be tired of it before “Capital.” = Two pictures present themselves to the mental vision of Mr. Punch. One is that of a brawny mechanic returning home tired, indeed, and his paper cap somewhat moist from overwork, and hungry as well as tired; but a supper awaiting him, in some degree, proportionate to his appetite; a good-tempered wife to welcome him; and children who | pleasantly remind him of “ competition,” by struggling to “ climb his knee ;” or, at any rate, are quietly asleep. ‘The other is that of a poor creature out at heels, and out at elbows—in consequence of being out of work—without any home to return to at all, singing a ballad of his miseries about the streets—with a ragged wife, and children in tatters for chorus—to the tune of “ Portugal,” or “ Adeste Fideles,” Now, Mr. Punch considers it a sad pity that an English artisan who could once sit for the first of these portraits, should ever be reduced to stand for the second: but what makes the pity doubly sad, is that the wretched alteration should have been owing to a mistake in political economy—an abortive attempt to control the labour-market. The pen is now added to the list of the intelligent workman’s tools. He can use his tongue as weil as his Mr. Punch would \ike to see him availing himself to the utmost of these means to bring his cause before the tribunal of public opinion, where it will be ool judged, and the decision of which will sooner or later enforce itsell. But Mr. Punch would dissuade him from the desperate expedient ol quarrelling with those on whom his bread depends; a step which, ten to one, will plunge him, individually, in ruin. The public will not be so chivalrous as to back him in a conflict with the law of supply and demand ; it has not even generosity enough to encourage a combination guardians; or a strike of attenuated curates against bloated pluralists.

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- BESS | gBasBersis | | it) liyss >. ys pe Ti {| Nest: ae ii HI Atl] HWP Hy Ming je \ | hI | HAR ny ‘4 Pai ii | | | a) | Hii | ; veal iy] ji) wt wll 3) 3 an Wie NN N i | AN | int 7 SS SE i H ul : * a ul | Hull | LH HANA SVAN Ae in ALA MR!" j i Hl Hil ' " | {I} ' 4 fy i il it I WL I ii NAPOLEON THE LITTLE AND HIS BROKEN DRUM. (A Propnecy ror THE “ Prince PresiDENT.”) Januany 31, 1952.

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he h M to se

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MRS. BAKER’S PET. THE PET IS FOUND AGAIN, TO THE DEEP DISGUST OF MER. BAKER, WHO FLATTERED HIMSELF? THE HOUSE WAS RID OF HIM, AND HAD BECOME QUITE CHEERFUL AGAIN IN CONSEQUENCE. Scevzs 6.—Ma. and Maus. Baker a/ Breakfast. Mr. Baker. Another eup of tea, my dear; I have such an appetite this morning—indeed, for the last two or three mornings—I’m quite a new man. Mrs. Baker (sighs), Yes—I’ve remarked it—my dear. Mr. . But you ’ve been in the dumps lately, my dear. Mrs. Baker (sighing again). Oh—no—nothing !—I feel much as usual. Mr. Baker (rather gingerly). Now, my dear—you won't be angry with me—but I’m afraid your mind ’s running on ‘hat dog. Mrs. Baker (with a bitter sense of wrong). Weil, Mn. Baxen, | hope I may be permitted my feelings withvut remark—1’m sure | keep them to myself. Mr. Baker. Certainly—my dear—but— Mrs. Baker (with continued bitterness). I am well aware that I need not look for va from you, Mz. Baxer. Mr. Baker. Well, but my dear— Mrs. Baker (with more litterness than ever). 1 am quite aware of the nature of your feelings towards that poor animal, from the first moment he came into the house—kicks—and blows—and bad language. Poor thing! I’m sure he has had a happy release. [Shows an intention f giving way. Mr. Baker (who feels this is too bad), Confound it, Bakes! You forget what I’ve suffered from the nasty brute; the way he flew at me the very first day; the dreadful manner he howled that night; the nuisance he has been to the neighbours; in s ma’am, the way he’s poisoned my happiness ! ere— intly. Mrs, Baker (rising in her turn), Oh! by all means, Sir—throw it ail on that poor dumb animal—your bad speculations—and your and your neglect of your home, Sir—and of me. But it’s very well I should know the worst. The poor dog is gone, and perhaps I may not be long here to annoy you—and—I’m sure—I when—1 ’m— §—g—2—one—— (Gives way to a gush of tears, Mr. Baker (forgetting his wrath), Now, Mus. Baxwa—now, Jame; don’t be so deuced ridiculous. There—you know very well there isn’t a better husband in the Row—and I’m sure |’m quite satisfied you're an excellent wife. Don’t cry—there—and never mind that d—d po Mrs. Baker (witheringly, t A her nearly dried tears), Win. Bascmw! Mr, Baker. W. then, never mind your pet; you shall come inte town with me to-day, and we’ll just look in at Houwes and Evertneron’s; there’s that shawl you admired so last week; come, get on your things—the "bus will be up this instant. Mrs. Baker ee Thank you, Mz. Baxen; but I really don’t feel equal to it y—in a few days, perhaps— Mr. Baker. promise me you won't make a fool of yourself any more about ¢hat dog! Mrs. Baker. Now, Mn. Ba—(knowing what was coming, Baker has made a rapid retreat)——His spite against that poor dumb animal is rfectly extraordinary. Oh! I wonder if Mz. CuaLkenx has found that eadful Mz. Cannors. If they should have boned his poor dear ears, and cut off his poor dear tail—I’m sure I quite feel as if it was my own. Enter SenicGizs (mysteriously), iggies (in a confidential manner). It’s CuaLKEn, ’m. rs, Baker, Oh! James; has he found— [ Pauses, not daring to trust herself with the name. Spriggles. Yes, ’m, he ’ave found out where he is, ’m, 1 believe; but he hav’n’t got him, ’m. Mrs. Baker. Beg him to walk in, James. to see him! [Hait Spriceies, who returns immediately, ushering in CHALKER, who wears the costume already described, with the addition of a black eye. He walks with some unsteadiness ; but on entering the a ga te his hair, and tries to look meek and respectable, though with indifferent success. Mrs. Baker (clasping her hands). Well — Chalker. In regard o’ the dawg, marm ? ’ad, marm ! lection). Mrs. Baker. Yes—but you’ve found him ? Chalker (following out his private train of associations). And beer, marm ; bless you, they ’ve mopped up beer enuff to swim a hoss in. Mrs Baker. Yes— AMP ? Chalker. And \ook at this ’ere heye o’ mine, marm—there’s a heye for a man as ’as his work to go to reglar, and ort to look steady and = | in the yard. It was Cannors as gi’ me that heye! r rs. Baker. Then it was Cannors ? Oh, say I should so wish Well, sich a job as hi’ve I ope you mayn’t never ’ave sich a one (sighs at the recol- - . As gi’ me this heye, marm. Yes, marm, two or three on em,—reglar sharps; all on ’em in the same lay. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Mrs. Baker (impatiently). Yes—but, my good man, 1 want to hear - that 49 poor dear dog. : (waving his hand). Wich 1’m ing to him, marm—all right. Well; they’ve got him, safe enough, he’s on the pint of | hemigratin’ to the Continent by the Antverpen, this blessed night as | ever wos. Mrs. Baker (in | | . Oh! but there will be time, before it sails—— | Chalker. Wich Caxnots swore dreadful bad, that over he goes if the | | reward wasn’t paid afore nine to-night—and his ears was to at eight—down at the ’ouse they uses, near the wharf a Baker, Oh dear! how very dreadful! But | take f | Chalker. Well, ’m, five pounds is the valley of the dawg, for bonin’, | so they telly me—wich I don’t understand, ’m, myself, marm —only in regard o’ bein’ fond on ’em, poor things. Mrs. Baker (who has been reflecting how five pounds may most casily be | raised out of the house-money), Before nine, you said ? Chalker. Afore nine, marm. | Mrs. Baker. Five pounds? You don’t think they ’ll take four? | Chalker. Cannorts, he wanted seven ; but the others was for five ; but you ’re werry lucky to get off so cheap, 1’m told. Then, there’|| be ten bob more for ; there ’s my heye, marm, wich | ain’t {it to stand afore the guv'nor at the yard—it ’ll be as good as five shillin’ out | of = pocket, this heye will. rs here, or how ? Chalker you! No, marm! ee es; prefers dealin’ with principals. At Black Lane Ncw Town mot agin Deadman’s Corner, where the dust- the pond, agin the brick-fields : that’s the office they give ; at height, punctival. You fetches the money, and parties Baker, What a dreadfully lonely piace! Amd at eight o'clock ! ever siiall b! But you’! go with me, Jamms, and remain in the Yes, ’m, [’ll be’ te protect : Well, that’s about all, then, T think. ee heye, mamm, you li marm. Baker, Certaimiy, Ma. Onarxen, I shall always be so much to you. _ Chatker, Your sarvant, marm (pulling his forelock), wich \ wish you joy 0” the dawg, marm, when you gits him, marm, poor creater ! (Beit CuaLken, witha out aint at SYRIGGLES. (4 lapse of ten hours has taken place, Mus. Baker, who has slipped out surreptitiously, is waiting in terror at the rendezvous de- scribed by Mu. Cuatken—the reality of which is no improvement on the description, It is a muddy lane, with the dust-heap and pond as indicated, plashy with rain; a sodden lit of market- garden on one side; on the other a brickfield, with a kiln im Sull reek, separated from the road by a forlorn and much ga e, ched out with a rickety paling, horrent with superfluous nails, In the distance is Bel Cottages—a settlement of sub- urban wigwams, consisting of a room below and a room over— whose chief feature is a general want of every accessory that ought to belong to a house; no foundations—no to carry clean water on, no drains to we os water off ; no pavement in front of them ; no yards behind ; filth, fever, mud, misery, damp, and ditch-water, affording “ an unbounded field for improvement,” as was very truly stated im | the advertisement which attracted to id the enterprising (uilder : They ain’t so green as all that. ; you must . Baker. Chalker. is, me. w Lcome who planned, built, and owns the above highly desirabie residences, | SPRIGGLES 1s in the remote distance, | Mrs. Baker (whose feet are very wet, and her nerves very high A quarter past eight, and nobody come yet! What a dreadful place, to be sure! I’m sure these cottages are just like the place where Bisuor and Wintrams burked people, and I haven’t seen a single policeman— of course not—and those dreadful Irishmen from the brick-fields! Oh, dear !—what ’s that ?— (Two mysterious individuals of the CuisLKER stamp are seen coming cautiously towards Mus. Baken. One carries a bag. Mysterious Individual No. \. (passing Mus. Baxzn). Hm! Mysterious Individual No. 2. Yes—if there’s any party ‘as lost a spannel— “a Baker. Oh! it’s them—yes—they ’ve got him in that bag—Oh! my good men—I’m the lady, have the poor thing— strung). and contortions in his bag. | Mysterious Individual No. \ (kicking the bag), ’O\d your row ! Mrs. Baker. Oh, don’t, pray ! Mysterious Individual No, 2. ’And over the tin, then. Mrs. Baker (takes out her purse, which contains siz sovereigns and some | be boned | how much will they | wes | . Baker (paying him the money, hurriedly), And will they bring Lim | *m, *m; but, if I should ' remember in short, a nest of sinks, cesspools, | you please—and if you'd just let me | (Scamp, excited by the voice of his beloved mistress, indulges in whines |

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sary TR ~ os % ae . . } j ; t . asl OEE OS oo gee eg ate eat. aan 50 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. = | loose sileer. Mysterious Ixprvipuat No. | audges Mystexious Inpivipvat No.2) Five pounds, I think it was ( Prepares to pay that sum,.| THE COCK, THE EAGLE, AND THE Mysterious Individual No. (with a tone of contempt). Five pound! GOOSE.—A Faste | Mysterious Individual No. 2. Six poun’ was the money mentioned—besides beer-money ; so : : | you’d better fork out, old lady, or the bargain’s orf. [Scamp howls again. A certain Eagle, just preferr’d Mrs. Baker (under the mingled influence of terror of the men, and tenderness for the dog By France for her Seouiet Bird, Oh, well, I’m sure, whatever is correct, sir, [ shall be too happy Did inte hot discussion fall Mysterious Individual No. 2 (coarsely). Oh, stash that! We don’t want no gammon, old With the discarded Cock of Gaul, lady. Fork out! Mas. Baker pays away all her gold. Which had the better right to brag, Mysterious Individual No, 2. Come, we ain’t a-goin’ without your standing somethin’, you And decorate the Nation’s flag. know, marm. By way of ending their debate, Mrs. Baker. Oh, I’m sure I will be happy to stand anything. Here. They ask’d a Goose to arbitrate : (She pays away all her silver. The Mysterious |wptvipvats shake the bag. Scamp tumbles The Cock recounted all his mains ; out. The individuals disappear. Scamp executes a pas, expressive of joy, round his | The Eagle number’d his campaigns ; mistress, who, in her delight at finding him again, forgets her terror, and the unmerciful Then on their claims of rival pride \ way she has been cleaned out. Sexiccies appears with the remains of a grin playing T he Goose proceeded to decide about his features. Scene closes. Neither,” said this judicious Goose, “ Founds his pretensions upon use. f Each of you tells the self-same story, == And wholly rests his cause on glory— = = To wit, when all is said and done, = = Upon so many battles won. I’ve listened to your several tales, And weigh’d your pleas in honest scales. It seems to me, in equal measure, That you have both cost blood and treasure: I say, perpending time and chance, Each has alike done harm to France, And blest that wise and happy nation With death, and pain, and mutilation ; Filled it with sighs, and tears, and groans, And foreign graves with Frenclimen’s bones; ] Widows for widows can produce : . I think, as I’m a righteous Goose, fi Orphan for orphan, sire and mother, Bereft, can show, the one with t’other. ‘ And equal gain has been conferr’d , On lucky France by either bird, hd : : = | — — and ~~ that A to say— 4 Ay . = = = - else long since has pass’d away. \ \ Sie —_) 7 - | To use the ee of the till My Sears = : The profit which remains is xi// _ ANH es And that—you wish’d for my opinion— It’s either’s title to dominion. , ee One word upon another side,” a The Goose concluded ; “I ’ve no pride. 1 don’t aspire; but still I ma Just let you know what people say— Your antecedents—they who knew, i be : —F we Friend Eagle, yet elected you, ( Zs - ‘ pag ll. A fitting emblem, folks agree, ‘ Could only find in choosing Mz.” PROCLAMATION BY PUNCH. | ' TAT REREAS it has come to our knowledge that there are many persons in all partsof} . pieanerlsgees . the United Kingdom, who are desirous of forming themselves into Rifle Clubs, and| S®VERaL noblemen and gentlemen—whose § are only deterred from doing so by the fear that they may be turned into targets for the | 24mes we would give with great pleasure, if we arrows of our ridicule: This is to give notice to all such persons as aforesaid, that so far from | Were able—have thrown open their preserves to making them the subjects of satire, we shall applaud the excellence of their aim; and | all persons desirous of rendering themselves good | instead of administering to them even a playful slap in the face, we shall pat them on the | ™atksmen—and thus defenders of their country 1 hack by way of encouragement jin the event of invasion—by practising on the , . ts y | | . asan . Be it Ruown to all Men by these Presents, as well as by the past and the future, | ““*®* and phe that we shoot only folly as it flies; but we cannot regard national spirit standing to its guns, ——— | as folly of any sort, and certainly not of a flying description. | ppteeaw om TER Stace OF TEE Ragen. _ We therefore promise our gracious encouragement to all persons exercising themselves! we ge in a hopeful way—says Tom to Brnt— | in the use of arms with a view to their country’s defence: and we hereby undertake that not Our builets won’t strike, and our workmen will! | a Shot shall be fired against them from any of our batteries. | ‘ Given at our Court (of St. Bride’s) this 21st day of January, 1852, } aaa : A Military Problem. | Given—A Caffre. ys re oe _ | Yo find—A “ regulation” musket that will kill Mr. Puncu,—I am the Beadle of St. Dimity’s, and I wish to ask you a short question. | him, 1 see it is now the fashion for clergymen to have what I believe is called, “a division of acme sea labour” in the marriage-service ; that is, when a Bishop, or a Dean, or a Rector, as he may be, A QUESTION POR THE WAR OFFICE pays the compliment of marrying a couple, he is “assisted” in the ceremony by another ‘ ‘ arson. Now, Mr. Punch, er I wish to ask is this: if the name of the parson who A younG lady presents her compliments to Mr. “assists,” and does nothing, is printed, why shouldn ’t they also give the name of Punch. She has heard of the Zundnadelgewehr, Yours, Tue Beapte? | or Prussian needle-gun, and wants to know P.S.—And the Pew-openers beg me to ask,—and of their names also? Don’t we all whether they load it with a thimble. “assist ? area Tae Beau [peat or a Coox.—One who cooks AuprI aLTeramM Parte. (Literal Translation). Listen to the other Party. 1 rabbit fo a hare /

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M. LOUIS NAPOLEON, THE FRENCH VULTURE. ' > ate : : 7 NaTuRAL historians are puzzled to determine what sort of fowl is PROFESSOR OF POLITICAL SLEIGHT OF HAND, - bird calling itself the French Eagle. That it belongs to the Eagle AND SLIGHT OF EVERYTHING BLSE, family at all, the only indication is afforded by its talons, which are | enormous, and exhibit an extent of grasp truly astonishing. But the voracity and greediness for which it is remarkable are rather charac- teristic of the vulture, or the carrion crow, and its triek of pouncing on the defenceless is a trait of the kite’s. Moreover, it displays a wonder- ful alacrity at feathering its nest, which is foreign to the aquiline nature. This ipt creature (now in full feather at the Tuileries) _ bas in three years increased its depredations in France to the amount of from £25,000 to £140,000 per annum. It does not, however, prey | singly, but divides its spoil with a number of associates, reserving to | itself what, if it were a quadruped, might be described as the lion’s share. Thus gregarious in its rapacity, it presente another mark of | affinity to the vultures; amd as the appellation of King Vulture is _ already pre-oceupied, its imstinets, which are markedly a >.) | suggest that the title most appropriate to the inclinations of this { | wouid be the Emperor. THE PORTICAL COOKERY-BOOK. 7® DRESS RED HERRINGS. Ain Meet me by Moonlight.” Meet me to breakfast alone, Has the honour (?) to inform the Public that he intends continuing his " extraordinary Performances, and playing his unprecedented Tricks, until away your prowd : further notice. like it, Low, When you try. The Programme will be selected from the unrivalled stock of mv- ; ' sions and IMPosiTIons, which he has lately practised with so much If moisture the Herring betray, success at Paris, assisted by his unrivalled Collection of n, till from moisture ’tis free ; Warm it through in the usual way, MINISTERIAL AND MILITARY AUTOMATONS, A. — eg fe you and for me, tte . Among the principal Tricks of the present season will be found— “ res int on - y it lies; 1.—The Inexhaustible Ballot Box. igg-sauce and potatoes don’t spare, From which eight millions of white balls will be produced; by a coup Had te Saveur wil conse yon eurpeioe. de main, which defies all detection. __ _B-~The Celebrated Gun Trick. A REAL BLESSING) TO MOTHERS, ( 40 practised on the Ind and 3rd of December, 1851, in the Boulevards of Paris.) kh - course ve ee cupniontet, combining the 7 pe = — —oe — Times wwentions that, . istics of a comp d'état ‘a comp de tée, the spectators will have an| “ ness, on gave his bewedietion to « quantity of baby-clothes, pogtaatiy of éatching the bullets in their own heads, so as to leave no | “Hitt he is sending as « present to the young Princess of Spain. doubt of the reality of the experiment. We should like to know what effects are supposed to result from : the papal benediction conferred on baby-linen. Is it supposed to endow 3.—The Automaton Soldier. the vestments in question with the property of resisting infection and A piece of mechanism of the greatest perfection, which will load his| contagion, so as to proteet the infant wearer from measles, or to serve musket and fire it in the faee of any person whom M. Louis Narozon | the child im lieu of vaccination’ Or does it only communicate anti- may indicate. heretical ies to the long clothes? Or when any ordinary old 4 The Ministerial Puppets. woman the dear little cap, or bib, or tucker, of any little These little imitations of humanity will go through the whole official | creature, are not those articles as truly blessed, and the baby, to all routine ; and though without the smallest intelligence, will bow their) intents and purposes, as much a “blessed baby as when the benedic- boner heads, and sign decrees, or any other documents, at a mere nod, tion is uttered, merely with greater fuss, by a Porn! 7 their master. 5. The Official Second Sight. , é ; ews from Austria. M. Louis Narorzow will, with the aid of a police spy-glass, read the] __,, ‘ , ~em - , ~— — most private papers in the possession of individuals, and not only tell) ,[# Zimes’ Vienna Correspondent writes, that, “since the resignation ir thoughts, but transport them, before they are aware of it, to| of LoxD PaLMerston, the relations between this court and the British Cayenne, and other remote regions, for having entertained the opinions | Embassy have been infinitely more cordial.” Weil, this is something which his police spy-glass has made him acquainted with. | gained. What a pity it is, that certain prejudices of the English Con- stitution do not allow of the deportation of the Ex-Foreign Secretary to 6. The Escamotage d’une Dame. | Vienna, even as other yet - sent 6 Cayenne ! } ‘th him isti : . ? , some degree, estimate what we have lost with Patwensroy, if with diced eee disappearance of La Belle France, under *| we have forfeited the hatred of Austria, gaining its deadly “ cordiality,’s The Tricks will be accompanied by all sorts of Airs, performed by al Band of Military Instruments. A Picture of Dismay. Places can only be seeured by application to M. Louis Napoteoy.| Looxmne over the portfolio of our Insane Artist, the other morning, ° we were not the least surprised—though, we admit, considerably dis- No Money returned. Vivat Nobody. gusted—to find the following :— “ Sopseot vor SxeTon,—Consternation of our already-underhorsed heavy-Light Cavalry at the Cape, on hearing that the Government had shipped for them « quantity CORRUPTION IN THE NAVY. f COLT’B11!” “ SELP-PRESERVATION is the First Law of Nature,” and that may be} We need scarcely add, that a strait-waistcoat was the immediate one of the reasons why sailors refuse to touch the “ preserved meats” | sequitur; and our insane Artist is now safely inhaling his native air furnished by the Admiralty. | in—Bedlam.

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es aa ba Fan eae : 1 be hie if +0 14 + if 4 3 44 pe 2 fa a9 lid + ey ‘2 tig 4 Wt mt or bo fil pi hi, Ve hh ey A | ) Wi) Wo 2d A DrsiGN, SHOWING HOW THE PRETTY Hoops xow worn By LaptEs, MIGHT BE MADE USEFUL, AS WELL AS ORNAMENTAL. } OUR ABOVE-BRIDGE NAVY. Now that our naval force is becoming a subject of interest, it is satis- factory to know that even our little fleet of above-bridge cra‘t, officered, as it 1s, by some of the gallantest fresh-water tars that ever smelt smoke—through a funnel—has been lately put into improved condition. Modern science has been hard at work in applying its discoveries | to these little nurseries for our future NELsons, or cradles for young | Cottincwoops. Among others, the Chatterton propeller has been | fitted to the Bré with that “ pretty little twinkling star of the Thames,” known to all of | us as the Zwrlight, recently fitted with Ma. J. L. Stevens’ improved | revolvers. Before these alterations, the Zwiligit was renowned as being ten per cent. faster than any other boat ; but notwithstanding | this superiority over everything else, the Bridegroom, with its Chat- | terton propeller, came in head and head, padd!ebox and paddlebox, | with the first-named boat, with which it must now share the laure] of | championship. Both got up their steam; both spared neither seaman- | ship nor coal; and the fire of competition blazed with such vigour that | a dead heat was the consequence. Natural, History for Aldermen. Mr. Broperir, in his Leaves from the Note-Book of a Naturalist, says :— “When Cuvrer last visited this country, and was feasted by some of our philoso- any at the Albion, nothing struck him so much as the tortue, upon which his memory jong dwelt. No doubt Cuvrer had discovered no end of Ichthyosaurs, and Plesio- saurs, and [| ons, and Pterodactyles: but we will adventure to say, that no fossil reptile that he ever met with, pleased him half so | much as the existing species of Chelonian that he got at the Albion : and that he regarded as by far the most interesting fruit of his researches in Natural History the discovery of real turtle. Important Desideratum. & ANTED, A GOOD ENGLISH ADAPTATION of the NEW GER- | MAN PRIMER, to teach the Young Idea how to SHOOT. | Priated by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place in the Parish of St. Office 'o Lombard Street, in the Precinct of PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL . . for the. purpose of a friendly trial of speed | - aud Prederict Mallett Evans, of No.7, Churen Row, Stoke Newington, both in the County of Whitefriars. te tne City of London ,and published by them at No. %, Fleet Street Loadoa.— — | SONG FOR THE FRENCH GOVERNMENT. Arn—“ The Glasses Sparkle on the Board.” Tue musket, bay and sword Assert the sway of Might ; The Reign of Terror is restored, Of Panic, Dread, and Fright. The prize is won; the game’s our own; The troops at our control ; If men of brain or worth remain, We've cow’d them, every soul. A truthful Press says awkward things ; Then surely it is wise To gag it, like despotic kings, Or make it publish lies, Op our power—your streets we'll scour, ur volley’d fires sball roll, And roar again until we ’ve slain Or cow’d you, every soul. | | MARIONNETTE THEATRICALS. | Superior to the mean feeling of j y, Mr. Punch will | | say that much entertainment is to be found at the Marionnette | Theatre. ‘The puppets are extremely good hands—if it would | | not be more correct to say, feet—at dancing; and this is | the more remarkable, as they certainly do e a decidedly lame affair of walking. | That inability to walk, however, is quite compatible with | great ability to dance, is proved in the case of innume | young ladies, who, although they cannot go one mile on foot, | will keep on capering from any hour in the evening to any hour after midnight. | Tue Stamp or a SwinpLeR.—One who always carries a | 3ill-Stamp in his Pocket-Book. Patent InpeLisce Inx.—The ink Punch writes his jokes with.—Punch. THE LATEST DECREES FROM FRANCE. Every now and then we hear of some decree or other, as in contempla- tion, and -_ waiting, for its pro- | mulgation, the will of the Presi- dent. We have it from the best credible authority,—which every- body knows is just now none at all—that the President, desirous of bringing the country into accord with the ideas of the Empire, intends issuing a decree, that no carriage, of any description, shall be allowed to exist without an Imperial attached to it. If anyone should attempt to resist this pro- | r respect to Imperial souvenirs, | iis luggage will seized, and | himself, with all his family, will be transmitted to Cayenne, to wait the pleasure of the President. Another rumour is, that Lovts Napo.eoy, in order to show the respect entertained by the English | nation for the Imperial regime, has. ordered the seizure, at any con- | venient place in England, of five thousand pewter pots, for the purpose | of distribution among the French, and accustoming them to Imperial measures. ; : The execution of this, and other equally sensible decrees, will only “ wait the pleasure of the President.” Pa | ' } “Measures for the Improvement of the City.” ~ } We always tremble when we stumble over a paragraph with the above ominous heading; for, in our minds such measures are always | associated with Coat-MEAsuRES. A New Titte ror tue “Base Excerrion.”—The Moray Post. Middlesex, Prmrers, at tact Saronpat, Javaary Sist, 852 ,t the Parish of St. Bride, im tne Ciry of

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 53 THE DRAMA IN THE INSOLVENT COURT. THE POETICAL COOKERY BOOK. HERE was an interesting question debated last TO MAKE PEA SOUP. — in , yea of Arm—* Do you ever think of me, Love?” ~y oes —, Do you like the Soup of Pea, Ma’am ? A slight difference of Do you like the Soup of Pea? opinion existed between | Then I'll tell you how to make it, Mr. AwpErsow, ex-high- If you ’ll listen, Ma’am, to me. priest of that Temple of | Steep your in clean cold water, the Drama, . Then boil them in a pan ; andMar.Svtitvan,author| Then through a hair-sieve pass them— | of the very pleasant You must boil them till you can. comedy of The Old Love| Then tell me, did you ever and the New, brought Such a nice foundation see— out—it will be remem-| f you only do it clever— bered—ander the wet- For the famous Soup call’d Pea ? ” blanket auspices of 1851. The author required £300 . ; 4 for his five-act comedy—an enormous sum in such Tyne eee orp ume Ave nice, Ma'am, . b days, with the quartern loaf at sixpence; the more ‘ ws especially when there are actors and actresses who And a little well-boil’d rice, Ma’am, r : : Mix’d with it, won’t never demand more than £50 a night; being at the . a rate of only £300 a week. The manager, it would Take yolk of egg, and beat it ; appear, evidently felt the boldness of the demand ; but Y male te ceematen 2 with a delicacy of feeling, possibly peculiar to the 2 tea Men theatre, did not twit the audacious author with the Snukaleta —SaaeE : effrontery of his literary claims. No; the manager === handsomely consented to give the author £300 ad =his comedy, if the author would give the manager | £100 to put the comedy upon the stage. Authors are proverbially dull in arithmetic; nevertheless, Mr. SULLIVAN was, in some degree, an exception to the rule of ignorance. For OldLoveandNew . . . . , ee | TO DRESS EELS A LA TARTARE! To Manager AxpERsoN a , : . , eres ‘ | Am—“ The Light Guitar.” A better soup you’!] see ; And, if you answer, “ Never!” Eat it, and think of me. aoe £200 On! leave the cray—the cray-fish mean, Mz. Suttrvay, albeit the author of a comedy, absolutely proved himself capable of the above The brill, the haddock white, sum of substraction: but, when the manager wrote to the dramatist for a receipt forthe| And bring a frying-pan quite ciean, £100, the “ statement puzzled him :” he could not “give a receipt for money which he had Of polish dazzling bright ; not received.” He therefore betook himself to the monetary manager, who at once explained| And place it o’er the flickering ray, the mystery. Above the grate’s v5 Aas “Mr. Axpersow said it was of no importance whatever; his only object being, he said, in asking for the receipt, Then take an Eel, and rn the way that he might show it to any one who might assert that be had got it for nothing.” : To cook 4 la Tartare. Thus, in demanding the fictitious, or rather poetic, receipt for the £11 not received, the . os manager was delicately considering the reputation of the author; whose work envy or I Tee ae fish divide | ignorance might have undervalued, rating its cost at »i/. Now there is a strong, albeit Through and flour then let them glide silent argument, conveyed in a stamp receipt of ls. 6¢d.—Such a beautiful bit of writing, in io pg nt erembe of booed : the best vein of fiction of the dramatist, would have been a valuable document In the Ill tell thee next, the whole to fry ssion of the manager. “ How full is the treasury of Drury Lane! Here is a receipt Aad cn the seed you are 4 or £100—absolutely for £100 !—given to a mere author!” Consider the startling effect that To that with which there ’s nought can vie such a document would have had upon the theatrical world! How, shown in the manager’s ‘An Eel a la Tartare be room, the delighted and perhaps, astonished beholder departs from the theatre, almost awed . by a sense of the theatre’s riches. Consider that man stopping a brother professional, under! J |} tel] thee how the sauce (o make, Drury Lane Colonnade, and re-awakening in his soul an almost dormant belief in the Which gives the dish its name ; regeneration of the Drama; for ne has seen—yes, his eyes have been at once dazzled and| (f hard-boil’d egg the yolk first take, delighted by a receipt for £100. The glad tidings spread. An earnest knot of patrons of Then two raw eggs the same. the Drama look radiant and hopeful at the Garrick! As'onishment, it may be, not unmixed! As these you in a basin blend, with envy, seizes upon every y pounce. Any way, the Drama must be regenerated, its Where salt and pepper are, strength and legitimacy assured in a stamp-receipt for—£100! Next to a Note of Elegance| You’|| stir them well—and ail will tend for a Bank Note, ane for money not received is, we take it, the most ingenious of fictions. To make the Sauce Tartare. Mr Sc trvay on oath— ; i : “declared that no conversation ever took place between him and Mn. Axvensox, that he was to| I'll bid thee take a pint of oil, allow £100 for putting the comedy on the stage, either in writing or in word.” | And slowly let it drop ’ = | : | Into the whole—but it will spoil wa tae a. Axpexson’s Solicitor delivered himself of a most valuable suggestion by | If stirring it you stop. “ He would ask the Court whether it was not reasonable between an author and a manager, that there should a a - oa abe _ be an equal risk? What was more reasonable than that an author should pay £100 towards putting an expensive . nS Vane 5 , comedy on the stage ?” | Your task will then be nearly o’er The Ceurt thought otherwise; but for ourselves, we think nothing can be more reasonable. | In making Seace Tartare. hy not institute at every theatre the system of caution money; a system that should; | °q make it thick, but not in clots guarantee managers against ail loss in their anxious and unceasing endeavours to delight and | Then add some gherkins chopp’d, enlighten the public? Let it be once a rule that every dramatist, upon acceptance of his) With capers, parsley, eschalots, play by the manager, shali bank with him £100—not an illusionary, moonsbiny receipt for the | If you'll my plan adopt. amount, but £100 in note or gold—and what a beneficial check would be placed 7 A table-spoon of each will do. dramatic production ! _ What a wholesome prohibition! Any way, Me. ANpExson | French mustard from a jar manifested great fiscal ingenuity. We shall soon be compelled to change our present Chancellor! yoy ’|| add, with Cayenne too— of the eee Ought the Prime Minister to pass over the claims of the ex-manager | And there ’s your Sauce Tartare. pete ae ee ee ee) ee a ee ee ae of Drury Tae Taurs to 4 Harn.—Everyone is asking, rather anxiously just now, in what does| A Distixction awp a Dirrenewce.—The | the strength of the British Lion consist? Our answer is decisive. The strength of the| Emperor or Russia is an Autocrat; but Mz. British Lion is in the Main. | Louis Napo.eow is a-Noughtocrat. | VOL, XXII.

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ae amen RS “he ciate daleaetien amen er a sae mrad a esi tr wi aoe Fo amen a oa + abla ay, tan wee ms 54 ‘PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. S =~ gy TA “ ta, La if: LE Z oi. an | i} y é i iN SAS = ¥ { _— = ———— THE FRENCH SPHINX, . oe th A Monster, formerly of Thebes, now of Paris, who proposes Political Enigmas, and | will. devours the Unfortunates who are unable to answer them. A RBGULAR CHURCH-STEEPLE CHASE, Tue age of fox-hunting parsons is supposed to have passed ; but it | would appear that we still have clerical sportsmen, for the Liverpool sporting intelligenee contains some right reverend names, indicating that there are ecclesiastics, of rival persuasions, who can run other matches than the race of godliness. Among the weights entered for the Liverpool Steeple “Sr. Herter,” put down at 10st. 6lb. There is also “Asnot Lav- RENCE,” 9st. 1O\b.; and in friendly antagonism with this popish friar and saint, we are gratified to observe the name of “ Maxrta Monk,” 9st. Slb. Under the head of “ Handicap for the Spring Cup,” we meet with the “ Prion or Lanercost,” 6 st. 12 |b é MAN,” 6st. 10lb., and the “ Anpess or Jerveaux,” 6st. 8lb. With these great pillars of the Roman Church, figures “‘ Exsor.,” which is short, as everybody knows, for the title of our own ARCHBISHOP OF York. This remarkable collocation of names, in a list of patrons of the turf, shows the tendency of sport to make persons of opposite opinions on theology lay aside their polemical differences, and meet in good fellowship on the common ground of the race-course. It is pleasing to find the burning rage of controversy reduced to a gentle heat of a few miles. The reflecting observer will remark the very moderate amount of the weights of the eminent divines above epesihed, bulk of any of them he may have ever seen, he would be disposed to infer them to be much heavier. One would guess that the AncuBIsHoP or YorK must weigh more than 6 st. 12lb., the weight assigned to “ Exor. ;” and we should judge that the physical density of CanprnaL Wiseman exceeded 6st. 10 lb. It will be noticed that the CarprwaL is given as 2st. less than the ArcnBIsHoP; perhaps the 7a/et will assert that the list was compiled by a heretic, and that the difference was forged in order to depreciate his Eminence by representing him as inferior to the Most Reverend Pretare in weight. But 6 st. 12 tb. against 6st. 10 lb., may be said to be little better than six of one and half-a-dozen of the other; and it is clear that neither Da. Wiseman nor Dr. Mus@RavE can be considered Heavy Dragoons, but, on the contrary, must be regarded as Light Bobs of their respective churches militant. Of course the above observations are made on the supposition that the weights of the parties have been correctly stated, and that those individuals have not been treated with a degree of levity as inappro- priate to their grave profession as it is apparently incompatible with their bodily circumference. In conclusion, we may express the hope that any canter that may occur in the contest between these sacerdotal sporting characters will be entirely devoid of cant, Tae Neepix-Gux.—The same young lady who wrote to us last wee, wishes to know whether the Needle-Gun is filled with Gun- ,~otton. Dod | { f Hl HRA i Hf | -chase, we find no less a personage than | ’ 3: CARDINAL Wise-. since, from the apparent | | THE SONG OF THE SOLD-OUT GUARDSMAN. Ara—" The Minstrel Boy” Tae Guardsman fop to the mart has gone, DF pon nto oy = ean sword no longer he Nor his cartouche-box behind him. | " talk of wars,” said the dandy Guard, “ Whieh into fright betrays me ; Let him.gain bonour’s bright reward "Who for my commission pays me!” The Guardsman felt a coxcomh’s pain, In the act of knocking under, ‘ That his coat he must never wear again, While his belt he tore asunder. } And said—“ A soldier ’tis»well to be, . If - don’t oa we f ut if we’re to fight—good gragious me! The thing would be perfect slavery !” | SE ———— | { t Economy in Projectiles. THE newspapers teem with suggestions for extending the | range of our military firearms; and for that ye | bable that additi supplies will be , with | eare and attention, our national defences might be considerab! | improved, without any addition to the immense amount whi cost us at present; and let us hope thet Government try and make our money as well as our bullets go as far as possible. A MUSICAL SNUGGERY, Somesopy has advertised to give a series of “Musical Winter Evenings,” about which there is an assumed air of snugness and sociability that is rather unusual. The seats are not spoken of as reserved or otherwise; but the announcements state that “sofas to contain five may be had on application.” Five on a sofa = a _ of ss - eight in a - - intimation be. ~ s rather too much of a cram—or, in school language, “a grease —to be quite agreeable. Why not advertise “chairs to hold three,” and “two stools between which one may come to the ground,” for the junior members of a musical family? We dare say the “evenings” are very pleasant, but we object somewhat to the hdiguiesahing air with which people are asked to come to them. Instead of its being stated ‘in a straightforward way that the admission is seven shillings, it is hinted in a sort of mincing manner that “ members may join ”—the real fact being that anybody may join who-will pay the money. The treat romised is something quite deliciousfo the lover of the classical school, or he will get Op. 83, Hummel, and Op. 43, Spohr, on the same evening. Some of those whose love for the classical does not quite jump with all these Ops., may, perhaps, avail themselves of a sofa, not for five, but for one, as a nap may be le. How are you off for Soap? “ Vra ror,” complaining in the Times of the nasty state of the second- class seats in the carriages on the Great Western y, observes : “ The British public might have expected, that after the vast intercourse which has recently taken place between foreign nations and ourselves, the Directory would have learned to apply some few of the conveniences and decencies whieh our more fortunate neighbours enjoy in their railway carriages to those of the second class on their own line.” [t appears that our foreign visitors to the Great Exhibition last pe left all their dirt and none of their cleanliness to the Directors of the Great Western Railway. The Railways made a great deal of money by the Exhibition: we are sorry to find that in one instance the profit may be described as filthy lucre. 1848 and 1852. 1848.—In 1848, the mame of Louis Naporzon was simply Bowaparts ! 1852.—In 1852, the name of Louis Napotzow has become even greater ; he is now only spoken of as Bon-A-partin ! ! LATEST FROM FRANCE, So desirous is Louis Napoteon of reviving old associations of the Empire, even in name, that a Decree has reeently been issued, com- manding the Soldiers all to wear Imperials. AD Tr succe work It co tion brant | possi and, whos } Peed ated of fa eat io &c., | word cone (Pre Bi extri Har wes thos or h banc Par! MS: ilk,

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i } } | | whose families is (says Mr. Hare) but PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL LITERATURE. | A Dictionary of the Landless Gentry. By Heratp Hang, Esq. | Hoax and Co. Tuts is a very remarkable and original publication. Encouraged by the suecess of the “ Landed Gentry” of Burke, Mr. Hare has produced a} work on that large and important class of gentry who have no land at all. | It contains some notices of hundreds of our suburban families, with men- tion of at least four hundred young gentlemen who have founded | branches of them in the metropolis. As it is now-a-days almost im-| possible to distinguish between “gentlemen” hy outward appearances, and, as there are many hundreds of gentlemen, information concerning ‘scantily aecessible to the| iblic,” (Preface, p. 3,) this wre: cannot fail to be largely cireu-| bated. Our author has to thank the heads of families, and of branches | of families, he tells us, for most courteous replies to his communi-| eations. He has rarely been refused admission to chambers, lodgings, &c., where he wished to inspect documents—except, to use his own words—“ where a disagreeable, yet perhaps natural, mistake was made concerning my motives, as a stranger, for penetrating imside.” (Preface, p. 5.) But, we must let the learned gentleman’s work speak for itself by an extract or two. So, we will show with what orthodox felicity MR. | Hare performs his part, and quote a specimen. Let us remark, that | we shall show a proper deference in doing so, by quoting his notice of | those distinguished aristocrats of the land-less party, who are far more “nobby ” than their landed rivals—who sneer at the “rabble” from the | hacks of “’acks”—whose waistcoats astonish Vauxhall, and who head | the mazy dance at the TenPsicHOREUMS. } ; “Hucsty or Broomssury CHAMBERS. “Tr was the opinion of Doepae (Red Lion King) that the founder of | the family of Huesiy, of Clapham, of which this gentleman is a cadet, | was one WiiiaM, or Butt Huesty, who settled in Clapham in 1796, | where he got a grant of half-an-acre of and. This he held on the feud condition of making certain payments in coin quarterly—which he com- | muted by one large payment in 1798. He then built Hugsly Castle, | or house (“every Englishman’s house is his castle.” JENKINS, passim). | In 1801, we find him figuring in the roll of witnesses, (Rec. proc. reg. | banc.) in the petition against a return of the How. Mr. Batperpasu to | Parliament, on account of treating, propter intoricationem electorum, (old MSS.) He married ARABELLA, daughter and co-heiress of Ass of that ilk, by whom he had issue : “ ALEXANDER, (Captain in the Clapham Volunteers.) Witiam, m. Mary, daughter of Pewres, Esq., of Tax TIL, Brixton. ELeanor, m. —— Grusstes, Esq, “The two sons dying without issue, Grupstes, by right of his wife (and with her permission), obtained the Clapham estates ; and obtained rmission also (from his acquaintances) to take the name and arms of lucsty. They had— “Joun Tomxins Huesry (present possessor). Hewny ve Buren Hucsiy ( founder of the branch of Bloomsbury Chambers.) “Mr. H. pe Burcu Hvesty’s country seat is at Herne Bay. He encourages sporting. “ Wears: A paletot vert ; trousers, cheqguy, azure and sable; a waist- coat sémée of fleurs de lis. Motto: Go it, my bricksy-wieksy.” | THE EXCLUSIVE IRISH TUTOR. By Decree of the Synod of Thurles. HE interesting little note sub joined is a pretty illustration of the kind of religious in- struction and secular learning imparted, in combination, by | certain flocks in by the Newry Journal to have been sent to a loeal magis trate b evidently a gentleman strong Ri i “You bludy heretick take this tors to certain reland. It is stated | The writer is | of | notise, lore yure land or leve the | cuentry we cannot our rat the land is so high and will we tirn our children out Heggars for the sake »/ A heretick reetiver you have past a bilt against our Clargy now we hawe past the bill against heretick landlords And against heretiek ma gistrates the bludy hevatiqle lord. 0! ruasil that the bill pou may blame him for All at tedon And will be done in this country we wil! heve ireland to our selves we have biudy heretick you sae whith dos thei: rt get time whieh of them will do thelr duty best if e and let live it may be the two our police And you haspyour Police—so you duty best And you wilisee if you tirn from this date Amd nents of gavin being magistrate-we will have uo heretick law in ireland —sined and seled tien, Pols. © —down with heretioka, In this brief document there are no less than eiglit distinet allisions to heresy, most of them qualified by an epithet most strongly expressive of the writer’s a erroneous doetrine : an — may violent that it extends to the misbeliever, and may be said, i , to assume, towards him, the character of ferocious hatred. The Riband gentleman seems to object more forcibly to the religious opinions than even to the pecuniary claims of the object of his reproaches. Clearly, if he could have ealled the Protestant magistrate anything worse than a sanguinary heretic, he would. That is the most opprobrious expression he could think of. What exasperates him more than having rent to pay is, that a bill has been “past” against his “Clargy;” and he is as much exaspe with “ tory Jon nvesit” as with his landlord, both of whom he abuses and menaces in the same terms. “ You ”’—qualified— “heretick,” and “down with hereticks,” are the beginning, middle, and end of his letter. His theological ardour is more intense than his personal malice. Zeal for his Church has eaten this gentleman up. His religious education has not been negleeted. See what pious feclings have been instilled into his breast. Observe how indignant he is at the enactment which has been passed to the prejudice of his “ Clargy.” His orthodoxy is more wonderful than his orthography: can there be a doubt that both are derived from the same source ? Are not “Godless Colleges” rather preferable to a school which teaches such godliness and such spelling ? THE ADMIRALTY PUZZLED. Ir seems that much of the time of the Admiralty, and, what is of | more consequence, much of the money of the public, 1s consumed, in the “ Bieerxs or Pump Court. |game, or puzzle, of putting ships together and taking them to bits “The antiquity and notoriety of the Bicorxaes (remarks Fusovs) is | ))' ~s aes peek ~~ =: a ea a yore proved by moll doggerel rhyme which tradition still repeats in the |’ Ve Tey —— OS eee See ee Se en neighbourhood of their ancestral Peckham :— a material for the diversion of ignorant authorities. They, not knowing “* When from ye East there cometh ye Dun, | their business, attempt to combine instruction with entertainment, by Then be sure, ye Bicones will run.’ | forming every ship into a practical puzzle, which they alternately pull | to pieces, arrange, and re-arrange, in the hope of making something of “Tt is probable that this scrap of doggerel refers toan old legend, which though relates how Castle Biggins was besieged by am army im the days of the lit at last they seldom succeed in doing so. The pupils at Greenwich — a —_ veh on —_ ground, and upon this vanee i ; : ;_ | they have the means of enlightening their ignorance. Now, we woul cles sacrain, apemmtondtiin Hi ediehtesiiaih agieaiedlineae oo propose that the Lords of the Admiralty should have » sort of toy-ship, ’ ; . capa ing disjointed, and set up again, so that, when any of the a he Po se was only effected bye ‘| Lords required amusement, he might have a sham vessel, instead of a as a brewer, with an empty barrel : ; ay. his tri ¢ - —the proud old Biccuss was foreed rr eal one, to play his tricks upon. Of course, if, after many years — a Sreoem to currendes | practice with the Pb) gai pee Nol eee eee ae oe than the rest should, unexpectedly, appear to have begun to under- goi to happen to one of the family o date ap y = the shape | Sand naval affairs, he might be permitted to try his hand upon a real dolsbunnd spectre with a sharp eye, jingling a chain. This is a| *P— signal that the course of the individual is nearly run. = . “The Pump Court family (consisting of his brothers) is the most dis- tanguished branch of the old family in question. “ Motto. See Wright.” Czar Sueh is the plan of the very excellent work of Mz. Haze. “ PRENCH UNITY.” AIS Freneh writers justify the Presidential policy on the ground of what they term “unity.” For “unity,” read “ Unit.” -vesse!, any one of their Lordships more sagacious | of course, with the smallest craft, for fear of accident. |

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cessful in preserving “ the Chops of the Channel ?”

” PUNCH] OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL.

‘

Ni A — a A PRODIGIOUS NUISANCE. Learned (but otherwise highly objectionable) Child (loq.) “Ou, Mamma, I askep Mr. AND Miss TO NAME SOME OF THE REMARKABLE ro THE Year 600 B.c., AND THEY couLDN’r. Bur J can—anp—THE

MENCED ; AND—THE Port Tyrr#us FLOURISHED ; BYZANTIUM WAS FOUNDED BY THE INHABITANTS OF Mecara; Draco cave Laws to AtHens; TeRPANDER or Lespos, THE

CURIOSITIES OF JUSTICE. | We want a book in which the Curi- osities of Justice should be set down dw o | in a pleasant, attractive style. We [? » , | think such a volume would make p SK, excellent railway reading. That Jus. es tice is blind, is made evident to the ? | meanest capacity by the short weight she is apt to drop into her scales. And, at times, how odd are the com- , modities she has to balance! Here, a ty Pe A at the Middlesex Sessions, she weighs ' << the end of the nose of Joun Cos. WY Vf : | TELLO, as entirely bitten off by Ni- ~ : CHOLAS QurRk, “a powerful, ruffianly fellow,” who pleaded “guilty to the act.” Against such offence, justice iY = balances “three months’ imprison- 4 | ment, with hard labour.” We have f) : here a beautiful illustration of the i) rights of property. Had Quix picked | CosteLLo’s pocket of a cotton hand- J kerchief, Quirk would have undergone

a an equal penalty; hence, the end of a 21015 a ih man’s nose is, in the ”o eyes of justice, | ee of no more account than a twelve- ine is ( penny bit of cotton. This is curious: ~ the more so as a man him- sn ot ht self of another handkerchief; where- so a ee Ib lie. as, a nose once bitten, does not, like J] 1 $e a tree that is pruned, shoot the . stronger for the excision. It must be '\\) b\ owned that Nicnotas Quirk has —S—— 2S bought a brutal satisfaction, involv- ing a most grievous injury, dog-cheap. | We think noses—nay, even the tips | of noses—should bear a higher price. | Dean! Wuat vo rou tainx?| We put it to Mr. Serceant Apams; Events raom tHe Year 700 | Ought noses not to look up in the | Seconp Messexian War com-| market?

Musician anp Poet; THALes or Mi etus, rue PaiLvosopner ; ALc#us anp Sarpno, THE Poets, PLOURISHED ; AND NeBUCcHADNEZ— —’ Lovis Napoteon’s Mortro.—Your [Sensation from right and left, during which the Voice of Child is happily drowned. | money aNd your life !

THE WARNER RANGE. We can sympathise with Captaris Warnen, in whose behalf Lorp ‘TaLpor has again appeared in print. His Lordship says,—in a letter to the Daily News—with reference to the Captain’s annihilating engines, whatever they may be, “T ask you to publish my solemn declaration as to my belief in their vast im- portance, and my sense of the folly and danger of rejecting them.” We say we sympathise with Captain WaRNeEk, agonised and outraged as be must be by daily letters from all conditions of civilians, stock- brokers, lawyers, and other such harmless, peaceful bodies, all smelling of powder—all demanding rifle practice. Rufle practice! And Captain WakNER has in his heart—even as in the very centre of Vesuvius—a secret of desolation that would defy assault or opposition. Why will not the Lords of the Admiralty zive the Captain a fair trial? For these are times, as writes the modest Sin Cuartes Napier to the Prime Minister, when even a successful Admiral is not to be snubbed. Suppose their Lordships devote two or three tubs of frigates or seventy-fours—the | Dromedary, the Hippopotamus, or Donkey—to the experiments of Caprarn Warner? If he cannot with his long range destroy them, they are quite as good and as bad as ever: if he can blow them to pieces, it would be much better that he should do so, than the French. Besides, who knows? May not Louis Napotzon attempt to coax or kidnap the Captain? We confess we are not justified in any suspicion of his | patriotism; nevertheless, we should not continue to scorn and despise the avowed thunderbolts of a Captain Jupiter, the while certain folks are giving all their ears—no shortcoming gift—to the pea-shooters of the duck-legged squad. THE LORDS (TOM NODDIES) OF THE ADMIRALTY. Tue Fleet is in the Tagus when it is wanted to guard the English | coast. But this was sure to be the case with the Admiralty. How could it be expected, when they have such an awful mess with the “preserved meats” of the Navy, that they would be any more suc-

LOUIS NAPOLEON’S AIRS. wN ATELY the extreme mildness of \@& the weather in the North) of Europe has been the) subject of remark in the | Paris papers, and it is said that even Russia has not | been visited by its usual | cold. The Paris press may | well talk about the weather, | there being scarcely -" other topic that the Frenc oe can touch upon. ‘he alleged mildness in| Russia may be accounted = for, perhaps, by the rules of | comparison; for after the | severity that has existed since the 2nd of December at Paris, and the airs of Lours Napoeon, the air of St. Petersburgh would seem to the Parisians mild in the | extreme.

Touching Resignation. | So firm a believer is Sr | Francis Heap in the in- tensely virtuous principles of his adorable Prince Presi- dent, that he has lately been rr heard to express himself “prepared to suffer martyrdom in so just a cause.” We must confess we think the sacrifice would be of benefit to society in one respect ; for, of course, the worthy Baronet would wish to be burnt on his own Faggot.

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~ 2 amen 22) 7 Saal Be ea a ta arc om . “ . . a so a ee Se, AARNE a AEP NBS i So RT a Pg EE BS, EILEEN | aN Tt OP mera * Bur ugae R. ’ U “You sez, Mr. Joun Butz, rarce Doses oy ReronM aRe BAD FoR yous ConstiTUTION. - Wigs. =r Wf Le ___- | 4 ¢, 77 (7 ae Se ¥ v ee PATH] ic CoH TY Hs C= MINISTE re rare Wa 54 OE TY / an > if} cae EW ny \ “ A} | = \ ' CN 3: f iE ee a Y| oe, yf ye ; { iM Wi i Ua — aati, YW 4: 7 A - Se HIC ow ‘Te. ’ | r At v4 ’ ! Hr) "A! MQ@OPA 4t () Hy “is, te ‘as shal Yi ' oe ~ adil Wi) Tit | | H HO 1s a Giosuce, on Inriniresimat Bitt, wuics,” ETC., ETC. THE =F =a f «| \ Fesruany 7, 1852. oo = © © 6 = be. tee Lf eee @te oe Se Se OG oo oso sen ink a i

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A NURSERY RHYME FOR THE ORDNANCE OFFICE THERE was a little man, And he had a clumsy gun And a knapsack, bi as heavy as lead, lead, lead ; And he was a splendid sight, In his scarlet coat so tight, And shako crown’d with shaving-brush on head, head, head. In the march this little man Soon to puff and blow began, And found it deuced hard to keep in rank, rank, rank ; So ball-cartridge, sixty rounds, Weighing something |ike eight pounds, To steady him kept bobbing at his flank, flank, flank. Amdas.for want of wind The-little man he grinn'd, And “bellows all'tomend” often s sung, 8 With belts cross’d ins chest, _ Bhat-so might be suppress’d The unmilitaryaetion of his lung, lung, lung. Thelittle man was meant ” In asteamer to be sent, With his regiment *gainst the Caffres at the Cape, Cape, Cape ; But the steamer was so smal! That it wouldn’t hold ’em all, ‘ ung ; And ‘was forced to run for Plymouth, in a scrape, scrape, serape. But t this little: man y Has not his little span Of life made less by aesegai or shot, shot, shot ; Other men of pluck . Have not had so much luck, But their gruel from the savages have got, got, got. For though each such little man _ Do all a soldier can, And the British troops are anything but muffs, muffs, muffs,) What with pack, and belts, and gun, __ What is there to be done 3y the British red-coats *gainst the Caffre buffs, buffs, buffs ? That bright red-coat of theirs - Makes a target him that wears, And the shako it is always tumbling off, off, off; And on coming to hard knoc a belts, and straps, stocks, And make haste the British uniform to doff, doff, dof. Now since a heavy pull * Is made upon Joww Bett, To equip and clothe his soldiers for their trade, trade, trade ; And since that trade’s to fight, Jom thi and he is right, They ought to have a dress for fighting made, made, made. So he says he won’t again To be pinkd, or else pick'd off by nasty blacks, blacks, black 0 , or * yn lacks, blacks, blacks, Because (that on field day They may look more spruce and The Ordnance will put scarlet on their backs, And as marching is an art At which soldiers should be smart, And as troops will march the better with less-load, load, load ; He ’!| take on Ais pound of tax, To take six pounds off their i, And will have the lighter weight sil better stow’d, stow’d, stow'd, And when these plans are tried, And some more reforms beside, Which red tape and officialism would balk, balk, balk ; “Then,” says Jonn BULL, says he, “Let Fox Maune come to me— About inerease of War Estimates to talk, talk, talk.” baaks. LIBEL DE LUNATICO. | Tue Daily News has been publishing prodigious libel—~a libel immense—according to the proverb—beeause an enormous truth. Our gy ee states, that, in the late Lamacy Commission on poor — UMMING, there = employed nineteen jurors, four counsel, several attorneys: the proceedings oceupying of £350 per day: in all, £5,600. Now, what is the publication pauper lunatic is consigned to Hanwell at smail : what is the six thousand pounds to determine the insanity of a wealthy lady? Of course, that the Law of England is a cormorant, a raven, a boa-con- strictor, a vulture, a X That the Law is a h , and pretends to | proteet the property of lunatics, only in order to devour their substance Suppose, in one of the pantoraimes, an old lady were introduced, | itself. | carrying a bundle, labelled £. s. d.: whereupon the Clown exclaims,” Poor |creatcha! She ’s out of her mind. Let’s me and you take care of her property :” and then, bonneting the victim, divides the spoil with the | | Pantaloon ;—sure we are the Lord Chamberlain would forthwith inter- dict so audacious a satire on the law of Lunacy. And will the Arrorwey- | General take no notice of a statement equally calculated to bring the | |law on that subject into contempt? As it is the majesty of the Law itself, not the dignity of any individual, that has been offended, the | Government’s mode of proceedi | Queen’s Bench, but by Bill in the House of Commons—tending, we | would suggest, to the slight reformation of Commissions in Lunacy. THE several been fo | FUNNY MARKET AND WITTY INTELLIGENCE. fs cases of prese jokes, intended for exportation, have to contain matter utterly unfit for human mirth. Some of these jokes were designed for the Colonies, which rely upon this | country entirely for their supply of food for laughter ; it is — that the result will be most melancholy to the colonists. e ufter abserce of anything in the shape of joke-production in | Australia has always rendered the inhabitants dependent on the mother country for their mother wit; and there will, therefore, be a sort of facetious famine, unless something is done to supply the | deficiency caused by the a badness of the preserved jokes that were destined for the Antipodes. Everything is being done to avert the horrors of utter jokelessness in those remote districts; and several volumes of Punch have been already despatched to the places likely to suffer most severely from what has occurred. We had some idea of giving a few samples of the contents of the condemned cases ; but we are fearful of contaminating our pages, by introducing into them a kind of matter they were never intended to contain. Frustrate their Navish Tricks. Tue only mode we can suggest for dealing with those persons who i the Navy, is, to bring the | 0 no | want so much of the public money as riggers |rigour of the law,to bear upon one or more of them. It would lor Chatham, to the dock of the Old Bailey. ing sixteen days, at an | of facts like these but the grossest reflection on English Law? A natural inferenee from the circumstance, that it takes between five and | should be, not by prosecution in the | event of the Joke Market has been the recent fact, that | |harm if a delinquent were to be transferred from a dock at. Woolwich

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. : : = - ——— —— r - THREATENED INVASION OF ENGLAND. | : | “Dear Poncn, E have had England invaded so “Tis an ill wind that blows nobody good ; and the blast that often lately, and in so many dif-| blew down the French Republic, will have blown a windfall to me. ferent ways—at least on paper— | Had it not been for Louis Napoteon’s coup d'état, there would have that no method of disembarking | heen no fear of invasion ; had there been no fear of invasion, no call y the French on our shores seems | {0r additional defences; no call for additional defences, no excuse for | to be too absurd to talk about, 20t reducing taxation. My vocation would soon have gone; at least We wonder that the idea has|™y commission would be seriously diminished. Whatever injury he never entered anybody’s head, of ™4y have done other people, the French Dictator will have greatly C, an invasion by means of balloons, | benefited me (unless you and the rest of the disagreeable Press inter- headed by Monsieur Porrevin, | fere), by affording Government a plea for " —prme eoand lease of life Perhaps the whole French nation | t0 the rather unpopular impost which enriches m si might come bodily over through | “Tue Income-Tax Contector.” 0 the air, and, indeed, the state of | , TAKE CARE OF YOUR POCKETS! inflation to which France is liable, | af would greatly favour the experi- | he ment. It is strange that no ALARMING ILLNESS OF TWO EMINENT LEGAL sa alarmist has suggested the possi- CHARACTERS at bility of an invasion by bladders ; ot instead of boats; for if anarmy| ALL who have any reverence for time-honoured names in connection in m, of 50,000 men were only to be | with our venerable system of English law, will learn, with regret, that ca a «supplied with a pair of bladders | two celebrated personages, who have long figured in professional anta- of ih, for each soldier, and the whole | gonism in the Courts of Visi Prius, have been attacked with symptoms va 50,000 were to be fastened to-| giving occasion for the most serious apprehension on the of their “e gether by a rope, they might be | friends. A conviction has gained ground that their services, of late, towed over by one steamer, quite | have tended rather to the complication and delay of proceedings, than C0 as well as by any of the other | otherwise, in the causes wherein they have been engaged; and the oi methods through which an invasion is said just now to be capable of | general opinion seems to be, that they have outlived their usefulness. ¢0 easy accomplishment, Paddles could, of course, be fitted upto the sides | ‘he Common Law Commissioners have, accordingly, felt it their duty 50 of all the horses ; and as to the guns, why should they not float across |to recommend that these distinguished characters should in future re just as well as the iron steamers which pass daily between Boulogne | cease to be retained; and hence it is inferred that their existence can tr and Folkestone? These suppositions may seem rather absurd, but they | hardly be protracted for a lengthened period. When they shall have rig are not more so than many of those we have recently been accustomed particle of sang pur about it. | left us, it will be said, by many a lover of old forms, that “there hath opinion, the Orleans property has become even as the red-hot halfpenny. Du to. By the way, we wonder that anything has been said about the | passed away aglory from” actions of ejectment ; and the skirt of many fe necessity for an invasion at all, when the French would have nothing to | a long robe will wipe away the tear shed in memory of those cham- we do—according to some wise authorities—but to fire into us by means of | pions so renowned in the annals of legal fiction—“* Joun Doz” and bu the submarine telegraph, and inflict upon us a terrific charge from the | “ Ricuarp Rog.” tu powerful galvanic battery that might be opened upon our coast from | pr Cape Grisnez. Pr ae inti NM RE BT lg Now that probabilities are by universal consent thrown overboard, | Ail ee —— ea a and everybody seems to be talking or writing as much nonsense as he 4 2 uy can on the subject of invasion, we merely follow the fashion in _— _— ae se Fe | suggesting a few extravagant absurdities, with a view to the thorough ™ | { ple raising of that noble but rather peaceful old animal—the British Lion. | , weary ) | A MILITARY SELL. Our attention has been lately called toa not very valorous practice | which has been commenced, but which we do not 7 will be much | the = followed, among the officers of the British army. We allude to the ne fact of there having been some instances of selling out at a moment lon when there is a possibility that the Guards might be required for the wh use of the country as well as for its ornament. We beg to protest ple against being misunderstood, or misinterpreted, and we therefore say of | ; distinctly, that the selling out will, in our opinion, furnish a very insig- He nificant exception to the general rule, by which the officers of the army | of i will be guided; and that they will nearly all stand to their posts like Fo: men of honour and courage, all the more firmly because they believe vie a their services may be required. If the Guards were all dandies—which they are not,—and, if they | were, a dandy is after all a very good- natured fellow in nine cases out of ten—they are nearly all Gentlemen. The rumour of war will only have the good effect of winnowing | a away, by its breath, the few grains of mere chaff to be found amid the} . solid stuff which will resist to the last the stoutest attempts to oe administer a thrashing. a There have, however, been some rare instances of selling out, and thi though in some cases circumstances, with which we are unacquainted, ” may have justified the act, we shall take the liberty of making a cap— Richard Roe. “ Faxewett, Joun! our Westminster Hatt Days ake out of a sheet of paper—which, without our meaning to fix it on any OVER, AND NOTHING LEFT FOR US BUT THE ABBEY.” : —— head, will no doubt be found to fit somebody, who is at full) John Doe. “On, Ricuarp, Ricnarp! How warp it 1s to past | ; iberty to appropriate it, and wear it. AFTER so MANY YEARS oF Pustic Service!” m : _ — ——— — nS enc fh : : one @ Curious Chemical Discovery. The Red-hot Halfpenny. If | a Aw eminent Chemist of our acquaintance has, by the aid of a| We once heard of a mischievous trick played upon a poor organ ber Ai! highly powerful Chemico-Mesmeric Analysing Apparatus of his boy. There was thrown to him a red-hot halfpenny from a window — bi invention, lately succeeded in analysing what he terms the “vital|into the mud. He tried to pick it up, but—burnt his fingers. — 4‘ circulating medium” of the present Em that is, President of} Louis NaroLzon would seem to be in the like dilemma, with this 5 France; and finds it to consist almost wholly of sang froid, without a| difference that—he deserves his reward. By the indignation of public z.

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BRESESRESIS SES REP ERS PU NCH, OR THE RIFLE-SHOOTING MADE DIFFICULT. To Mr. Pouncu. “ Srr, “T always had a difficulty in keeping my seat on horseback ; therefore it would be useless, if not absurd, for me to join the | Yeomanry Cavalry. Weighing between thirteen and fourteen stone, I should not do for a light infantry regiment, and not being taller than | five feet six, 1 could not well become a grenadier. I do not possess | the agility requisite for the evolutions of the ordinary foot soldier. | Corns, combined with liability to gout, incapacitate me to stand a) march : and I am too apt to —_ cold to dare to lie in damp sheets, | much less to bivouac, perhaps in a wet turnip field, all night. But, | Sir, I think I could handle a 2 rifle. I believe could shoot a sanguinary invader of ue native land behind a hedge. In that way, at least, I could make some little exertion to defend my premises, and to | afford that protection which as a man, a father, and a husband, I am hound to render my country, my daughters, and Mrs.G. That is to say, | could perform this duty with a little practice, whereby I might acquire the skill of a marksman. Impressed with this feeling of my obli roy to my family, mY fellow-citizens, and my Queen, I have} _ and an additional sum in powder, copper | But, Sir, how am I to familiarise myself with the use ? Where am I to learn to bring down my enemy at 1600 —_ pers tell me the Chasseurs of Vincennes do? mmon. Ata considerable expenditure of breath, eights of Hampstead. I descend, aided by some public| si into the valley of the Thames, and seek the heat -clad | invested £5 5s. in a ri caps, and ball. of my wea yards, as a re ir to C [ oa the conveyance, plain of Wimbledon. But in vain do I search for a localit could fix a target, which I could fire at without the risk of shooting somebody. iff ask, “ Where is a safe spot for rifle-practice?” Echo repeats the staat: rrogatory : or else a notice-board informs me that if I trespass Pm a I shall be prosecuted with the utmost rigour of om. gir, I call these fruitiess endeavours, the pursuit Zz A not under difficulties, but under impossi- bilities. It is all very well to tell us inhabitants of the metropolis that we ought to make ourselves sharpshooters. We can’t cast m bullets, such as the fellow im the biue pelisse and buff boots shoots t turkey with in Der, the meantime, where are we to practise? I repeat, Sir, Where? “ Your obedient servant, “Joun GILPryson.” “P.S.—Is it not strange, Sir, that the Aldermen who supply you so plentifully with butts, cannot furnish us with a target ?” POST-OFFICE REFORM. { Prom our own Cabinet Correspondent. | | We are enabled, we hope, on the very best authority, to lay before the British Empire the most gratifying intelligence illustrative of the new and enlightened determination of the British Cabinet. It has too long been the reproach of the Ministry, that the bigger fishes and the whiter loaves have ever been bestowed upon the born aristocracy, the plebeian projectors being set aside, or at best rewarded with the smallest of sprats, and the coarsest of penny rolls. All this is to be reformed. Hence, the Marquess or CLawRIcaRDE, who withdraws from the office of Postmaster General, is to be superseded by Rownaypy Hut. For once in a way, the vulgar working-bee is to have his due reward, vice the dignified drone. Naval Intelligence. * Ovr readers will be delighted to hear that England has made a seval| demonstration in the very face of the French President. At the ball | at the Tuileries, Lonp ADOLPHys FiTzcLaRENce appeared in “his full uniform of Post Captain.” We breathe again! “ England expects that every man will dance his polka! ” Louis Napoleon’s Celebrated Campaign. TueErez is a talk of the military promotion of Lovis Narorzoy. The mere rank of Lieutenant-Colonel of the National Guards, is not enough for the nephew of an Emperor, who may be Emperor himself one of these lugubrious days. He is to be made (onn¢table de I’ Empire. If this be true—and nothing is unlikely, now-a-days, in France—then we mean to say Lovis Napotzow has fairly won his Jdétom de Con- nélable—in other words, his Constable’s Staff, which he handled with | such dexterity on the memorable 10th of April, 1848. ae el | Ay Op Saw re-set: Pro Bowo Caprico.—A rifle in hand is worth two Caffres in the Bush. LONDON where I { “ CHARIVARI. THE OPENING OF PARLIAMENT. uR Ealing correspondent Yj’ writes to us in / a state of the y) highest excite- ment about the order which has just arrived, for the gravel re- uired to be laid own between Buckingham Pa- lace and the Houses of Par- liament. very man who owns a spade, feels that he has a tramp in his band, and is preparing to goto work. The state coachman’s collar is already ; in the wash, and | the of the state footmen have been lying in pink sancers since It that their lege will be more a entrusted with to _— a pink as te hat x and aol thoroughly an wr ated Sete cenit Ly is Piat the state horses are already put up in curl papers, of the state are being tho- rou aited, so that the ceremony is likely to be quite as imposing _ - — ——2 SHOB-BLACKS IN PARLIAMENT, Tue Athenaeum has a pleasant social and statistic notice of the young shoe-blacks who have succeeded in London streets; by which it appears that KossuTu was, indirectly, productive to them on his visit to the City, when “People trod unanimously on each others’ toes, and the industrial little colony | earned a large sum of money.” Seeing that, in the present session of Parliament, certain parties are liable to have ‘their toes “ unanimously trod upon,” a few of the black- ing brigade might be serviceable in the House of Commons. Nay, what a huge ishing brush might come to the aid of the colonial Kart Grey, in the House of Lords. Turkey in America. Accounts from Salt Lake represent polygamy as prevailing to a | monstrous extent amongst the Mormons. Goveawor Youns, one of their leaders, is said to have ninety wives, with sixteen of whom he lately drove through the streets in an omnibus. But we must look around us before we turn up our eyes at the enormities of the disciples of Joz Smita. If they take more wives than they have any business with, there are others who undertake the cure of more souls than the can attend to: and the distribution of English Church preferment wil show that the Mormons are not singular in their pluralism. NAVAL walvere. WE understand that the reason assigned by the Admiralty authorities for continually cutting our new ships to pieces, is the impression their Lordships are under that by dividing one ship frequently into two, the strength of the navy must be eventually doubled. Our National Defences. (As defined by an Intelligent Calman of owr acquaintanc;.) Exterwat Fortrrication.—Top-coat, Overalls, and Tarpaulin Hat. IyteRwaL Ditro.—Pound of ‘Beefsteak, and “ Suthun short to keep the cold out.” TWO CELEBRATED ESCAMOTEURS. Tune is one in Paris, and the other in London. The latter is the celebrated Roptn ; and ‘the former, Louis Naprotzos, who has been | lately ROBBIN *the estates of the Onteaxs family. —

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ome enn amr ee - a a i 62 PUNCH. OR TITE LONDON CHARIVARL 8 eee Soq af Ale ec BN Ba g SN "Ry W 2 a VITO IGT js 7 INTERIOR OF A FRENCH COURT OF JUSTICE, 1852. —— —-- tf the matter; but the particular target. What, then, better than the RIFLE CLUBS. Grasshopper—a green grasshopper in a round of gold—the GRESHAM Ness Se erest? Sine sanguine, sine dolore, poetically cli the grasshopper. A very laudable feeling is glowing in the hearts of thousands of the “ Without blood, and without grief.” is the very motto for our pacific British people—the feeling for rifle practice. The British people ba¥e | marksmen, who only learn to shoot the better, they may the better the best wishes, the most disinterested aspi for the prosper @f keep the peace. A spot of gold—no bi than a sovereign on the the people of France; nevertheless, if F iers are ordered fo grasshopper—might serve as ¢he mark. a not in such target- attempt to jump upon the British beach, people—deeply regn practice a double tesson conveyed? At once a sure eye for an aim, and ting the occasion—are desirous to have means of k a sharp look-out for a sovereign ? them. We wish France well; but, with Notability at the Why, too, should we not have an Income-Tax Rifle ? The ‘Tuileries, we can wish her well, rs. at "a target with the 7d. in the centre; the nominal bull’s eye the middle | We hate war; we have a wi of slavery. We ofthe circle of the d.? Surely, Josep Hume might raise many hun- do not think it a* ing object to contemplate a so dreds of marksmen; and, possibly, for old itical acquaintance-sake, bullet, stark amd dead on the En . 2 - : Pete iok upon him in that dile Loxp Jous would permit him to set up his butt im Palace-Yard d: for all that, we we a As for the lawyers—and they did practise in the last panic—they too “taking his rest,” for a coverlet, than have him alive have already spoken from the Temple. They are, to a man, prepared kicking in our We hate martial instruments, Bat for rifle practice ; and, unlike our soldiers of the line, have coafs of a we are free to rather be compelled to give af@®e-| colour that would deceive even a Kaffir. Very difficult is it to hit a said French ; of cold iron than half an-ines ot | lawyer. But for the legal target. Well, we propose a perfectly spun very bad, but chains are worse cobweb, with a Spider in the centre. This target would afford a pecu- liar opportunity whereby to test the sharpness of the shooters; the + of self-defence—and no vain cagk- . | spider’s limes depicting such nicety of distance, even for those who Jed s0 many persons, the youthf should miss the spider itself. the mature, of shouldering and cracking With these few notions, we leave the subject to be variously worked From no | hatred and distrust of the | out by the various Clubs. We have made the general suggestion; its | who dominates @ as she is under military night » | particular application rests with particular bod’es. Rifle Clubs are @ gwhout England; and, though we lament the n he manly spirit that—as ota SS “Vox Populi.” The utility, « , of Rifle Clubs being admittedgwe| ., _ si : de 4 ‘ : } have to cagutal to the ¥ of riflemen, that they adopt Fox populi” was the flatte construction his Imperial Majesty kinds of targets; so the aim of the marksman is ed the President was most graciously pleased to put upon his late so- | there is also conveyed a mOre on. May there not be sentiment a Called “Election” by seven and a half millions of é votes. | bull’s eye? Let us, im one Or two examples, consider the matter. Vox populi '’’—the empty ceremony is well shadowed ‘in the phrase: | | As every regiment hes its fing, why should not every civil rifle for is not experience now daily proving, thes in. France vox populi” is have its peculiar target? Already, a gallant young stock-broker but another reading for “vor et praterea nihil : | called upon recruits ; and no doubt from his own class will be gathgped an efficient body. Where their practising-ground will be, we knowmot| A Smati Suor.—lf the “calibre” of the British Army is no better the better. —but we heartily trust not in Capel Court. The place, however, igmot | than its muskets, the sooner both are discharged | ee yy A ey ht Ph they oy wy fH - ow, Sate Retna, wath he Senny of Theda, Deeeee OGce im Lombard Street, 'n the Precivet of Whitefrara, in the City of London, and at No. %, Fleet Street, in the Pariah of St. Bride's, im the City of 2, February 7th, 1862. I ee ee ae ae lee

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 63 ALPHABET LOZENGES. Somezopy has started, what may be called, with reference to the Alphabet, a CAPITAL idea, by proposing to teach children their letters through the me- dium of Lozenges. Instead of appeal- ing to the eye, the inventor appeals to the mouth, and thus the sweets of learning are made—not simply a name, but a luscious reality. In these days, when premature cram- ming is so common, it is something to invent a plan for in- struction to go down agreeably. A thirst for knowledge is an ex- cellent thing, but the Alphabet Lozenges will encourage not only an | absolute hunger, but a right-down greediness, for learning. Some may doubt the propriety of blending instruction with the lollipop, and allowing the influence of the cane to be superseded by that of the sugar-stick. We think that a wholesome effect might be produced ‘ ag by conveying informa- tion in a medical form, and we throw out the hint for combining salubrity with science, by the invention of a multiplication pill, a —— black dose, and an ointment to be rubbed in for the purpose of rubbing up a knowledge of history. . \ set a | 1 NAS elit THE GREAT REFRESHMENT DEBATE. (From our own Reporter.) Tue first business of the Session, after the “ Ministerial Explanations,” was adebate on the prices and qe of the provisions to be had in the Refreshment Room of the House of Commons. e wish Honourable Members would be as solicitous about that which comes out of their mouths, as | seem to be anxious about what is to go into them, Though the debate on the Chop Steak question included nearly every kind of provisions, there was nothing said about the probable expense of eating their own words—an operation to which many Members will, in the course of the Session, be liable. It is certainly rather a cool proceeding on the part of the Commons, when they ought to be inquiring anxiously into the condition of our Ports, to be asking questions about the price he quality of their own Sherries. When the whole nation is full of anxiety about the Cape, it is rather disappointing to find the House absorbed in the question of its own Madeira. We shall expect to find the | notice-book occupied with Motions Toe a Select Committee to inquire—not whether the Caffres | have raised the standard of revolt, but whether the Wine-merchant has raised the price per bottle of the Standard of Natural Sherry. Since the precedent has been set, we may expect to have it extensively followed; and we shall be having Motions to bring a waiter to the bar of the House, for having served out indifferent to an Honourable Member at the bar of the coffee-room. icultural Members will be asking questions relative to their chop in town, neglectful of their stake in the country; and Returns will be moved for, to ascertain the number of cooks employed in rae ays broth, with a view to the punishment of those who may have had a hand in spoiling it. The CuanceLtor or THe Excuequer will, perhaps, be called upon to relieve from duty, cigars smoked by Members ; and the Economist party will probably move for the introduction of the “small plate” system, as adopted, with much success, in the cheap eating-houses of | — the metropolis. On the whole, we cannot congratulate the Commons on their second night’s debate; for their hunger for chops contrasted discreditably with the national thirst for information on subjects of larger interest. Political and Social Prospects. PARLIAMENT re-assembles, and the season returns. The consequence will be, that parties will pursue their old courses, both in the House and out of it; there will ‘be the usual intrigues: and very late hours will be kept almost every night, with very doubtful benefit to the constitution. Perhaps So. Our Social Reporter informs us, that, from statistics of his own collecting, he is now Prepared to show that the quantity of quadrille parties last New Year's Eve was fully 20 per cent. above the average. We suppose this increase is mainly attributable to the Tact, that people thought it appropriate to begin Leap Year with a Hop. Errrome or Onpwaxce ManaGement.—All their pieces are farces. THE PREMIER’S GREAT-GRAND- MOTHER. Tose who are always on the look-out to find some family connection between the members of the Government, and who think that office is bestowed less upon abstract than on relative merit, have discovered that Lonp Jonn Russe1’s eines we ty "7 VILLE’S r. e can wit the Premier in laughing at the idea of his pre- dilection for relations so very distant, in point of time, as his own dmother and some- body else’s great-grandfather. We do not accuse the Minister of having chosen his Forei Secretary on account of the possibility that the great-grandfather of the one may have taught the great-grandmother of the other to suck eggs, or that there may have been some other little in- terchange of brotherly and sisterly -attentions between a pair, who have been, more than a cen- tury back, gathered to a previous batch of still greater grandfathers and grandmothers. These imputations are, howéver, the result of a long- established character for nepotism, and we should not be surprised if Lonp Joun were to be taken to task for bestowing a place on the merest stranger, and charged with doing so for family reasons, simply because the person promoted — wage the denomination of “a man and a rother,” Noble Lord. * Henn ’s 1H1s Conrounnen News- paper Speakine THe Trutn again. Aun! Tuer Manace tuxse Teines Berren in France.” The Great Un-Read. Mr. Hume made some remark on Thursday evening with reference to the printing of the rs of the House of Commons, which ought to of uniform size, and it was ultimately agreed to refer the matter to a Committee. e think the buttermen and waste-paper dealers ought to have a voice in the matter, for they have certainly the —— reversionary interest in the publica- tions of the House of Commons. PASHIONABLE ON-DIT. Sucn is the excitement prevalent on the subject of our national defences, that it is oaid the Lady Patronesses of Almack’s seriously contemplate giving, a series of cylindro-conical balls. VOL, XXII, H

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eee wer ee lel

= is wy : FE Tn, cr 5 = B Ait, “a a PN ae ee Le) Fos eet geet mis ae = sic lise ww eur peg! ' now This is wot i Calls oxford logik sience And filosofy—Read it :— | til we’ve Fild our Bagg. Now mist’ Punch sir i Ask You aint this} | arite And propper Way of Ernin our Bredd like a Tru Blu Inglishman |

———_—_——$_————— a 64 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

| THE “HYGEIAN” SYSTEM OF POLITICS. We have been considerably amused of late by observing that the system of politics now dominant in Europe, conforms with marvellous regularity to the “ Hygeian or Morisoman System” im medicine. ‘The |prineiples of this last, as contained in a handdaillwhieh recently fell | into our hands, in an omnibus, are embodied inasemiesef “propositions,” | whieh we extract from, to prove our view :— ¢ 1. The vital principle is in the Blood. 2. Everything in the body is derived from the Blood. 3. All Constitutions are radically the same. ‘ . “S| 4. All diseases arise from impurity of the Blood, or, in other words, acrimonious humours lodged in the body. : . | Really, the analogy (though we speak with modesty of the results of our acuteness of remark) is quite wonderful. The vital principle” of ’ the dynasties of Hapsburg, &c , is clearly the Blood ; so is that of the \ \., | government of our friend the french President. Then, as for the body j))* 4 | politie—it derives its “everything,” whieh is little enough, from this “x _// | sanguinary source ; everything, we sey—from the Blood--fer who sup- |poses that it can derive anything from the—brains ? All “ Constitu- — | tions,” again, are radically in the same lican - the “Blood” > \ “SS lords it over them; and even the sturdy Constitution of our dear Joux » ' © | Buus has of late been disturbed by a tendeney of the “Blood” to the @\ ‘head—of affairs. And, as for the last of these dicta, it is impossible to %~»\\ | deny that “ acrimonious humours” —very indeed—prevail \ @

. \ | | in the body politic, everywhere, to a great extent. 7S —.” Og f <3 | When we turn to the remedy which the genius of Morison suggests. SS ; <6 | we find that a “ Vegetable Compound” was the real desideratum ; and, = ——= *F— 4 f— =| | that this Morison discovered. We only wish we knew a vegetable com- : =) | pound which would eure the disorders of Europe. The “ President,” ES ‘| indeed, favoured his body politic with a prescription of the vegetable = | ealled grape, some time ago, but the ill-humours have only been going =| on increasing ever since. ‘The Protectionists, we suppose, could suggest == | turnips—thoroughly protected from competition. But though all kinds =i ——_ =| of green things have been abundant of late, in the treatment of affairs, = | the “requisite energy” has not yet been imputed to the “ Blood,” which, = "| we are afraid, still causes disease by the impure state in which it is. — Ve“! Meanwhile Punch does his duty, as of old, by his external application |of the vegetable birch,—which may, vagy xd stimulate the “* Blood,” y ”

PRESUMPTION ; OR, THE FATE OF FRANKENSTEIN. |“™ ° Promoting activity, improve -_ ; The Mi vr, L—— N--—., Frankenstein. Fran ies anes Oe Se BALL PRACTICE.—A Sr. Jascms’s Ipvu. Caprain Hepipau (of the Blues). MEN OF MARK AND LIVELIHOOD. _ Hat fools these are that the Times’ “wist* PuNcH, fetmary, \852. } “ oomy here Sir f yu pleas at this here bit o ritin sined wi a lattn Neam ea Vewpo tuTUs as | cut out athe /imes news Pehaper

ip [ columns fill, / \ Nj With twash about twoops, uni- \Y; forms, and dwill ! : gween instead. If the Line’s gween, or blue, there ’s not a doubt, Onr fellaws and the Wifles must sell out. ‘There were a number of poachers sent on board men-of-war jnst before the battle of Algiers. Several were together in one ship. The men suggested to their officers, that if they could be supplied with loaded rifles as fast as they could discharge them. they could piek off many of the enemy that seemed to brave the fire of our marines. The suggestion of the poachers was adopted, and it was soon seen that these men were the marksmen of the ship. One poacher declared that he had singled out and shot 13 of the enemy.’ “talk aBout nashnal de Fences gin Lewis wa PoLBON BONYPART Here ’s your Men. Pochers is the ‘I'ru Brittons to Fite for their Natif | Land. Now Mist’ punch if you Pleas sir yu Be so good as tospeak to| LORD JON Russie and the puke o We.inton long Life toem to Doa) | ||| Way wi Them Game Laws that sends a Pore feler to Gale for techin of | |)\\\|/= is Self How to Destroy the Enemys of His — and quene Vick-} /y) TORIA HIS ROYALL HINESS PRINCE ALBURT ALBURT Prince or WHALES| | and all the Royal familly by Pratisin on dum Animles Burds and Beastes | | Of the Feeld. It’s all Tru wots in the 7imes. Wen i gose out wi My| § ardner larnin and laborin to git my own Livvin in the way it! § leases my lord Byshopp to call Pochin says to ’n i Says now lets you and me spose were a Shootin at the french Sogers come over here to plunder and to steal among Mista sr Sims's turmuts. so pre- sently | gits site of a patridg. Bang! over he Purls there i Sez goes Bony. After a bit my pardner Twigs a Hare bang! agen | nox Him over too so much a sez for gineral SantaRNop. And so on |

Ligurtenant anv Caprarn Fitz FLUKE (of the Grenadiers). Of cawse; and here sewibbles another muff, That of ball pwactice we have not enough. I should just like to see the snob go through As much ball pwactice, F wep, as I or you. Somebody’s told him, how to -— shoot away, ex: Each Fwench Chasseur has his ten balls a day. Gad, I’ve a good mind to the Times to write, P And say the Guards have their ten balls a-night.

with a Greeable Divershun. Ile warrand My pardner and Mee bring | doun cock fezant off his Purch enny distans with in Shott 9 times out! __ a of ten. Parlyvoo same. here’s yure helth Mist’ Punch and if you); ~~ : ; please ile cupple —_ oe tost Suc — to ow and if so The Sonnambula of Hungerford Hall. you ever wants a dish o trout or a brase o burds or so Say the Word. Jr is not true that MDLLE Provence, of Hungerford Hall, has had a Immegately atended too by your Honners obegient humbel | ay offer of marriage from the Duke or Weuuinetox. The report “30BB MOODY.” | may have originated from an observation by a desperate punster, that “ My direckshun. to be herd of att the "' | if that young lady can deflect the magnetic needle, she may be expected Sox and Duck soke Iichendale.” | to attract the non Duke.

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. OUR ADMIRAL ON HALF-PAY. DMIRAL Bensow Hazy is now living in retire. ment, or, to adopt the more usual expression, is repos on his laurels. A little while ago his neighbours of the town of Biddle- cumb gave him a pub- licdinner. The Admi- ral is much respected in his own district, where his family is well known. The Hazys are supposed (by themselves) to have come over with | the Conqueror, and have certainly held the lands of Hazyton for some generations. The Admiral’s pre- sent object is to ac-| quire the command of the Channel fleet, which, we believe, may be obtained in three ways—by living to 120; by Parliamentary agitation; or by marrying into the Ministry. Our friend Hazy is open to either of these courses, though it still remains a question whether either of them is open to him. Meanwhile, he is devoting himself to Polite Letters. He meditates, we believe, nothing more nor less than A NEW DIBDIN. There is a certain calm grandeur about this proposal, which we are aware will startle the British tar. Dispin, we know,, is the singer of the old school; but shall the mew school have mo singer? A “elass has arisen,’ says Sin Cuartes Naprer, the Admiral, in his genial, un-complaining way, “which sneers at what they call the old school, The fact is, we believe that gentlemen of the school of Hazy won’t eat “Junk ”’ when they can get boiled fowl. This is one 7 ing ae of the deadly change which Hazy’s contemporary, Sim Cuarves, bewails ; and which Hazy proposes to chronicle in literature, and particularly in song, by adapting Disprn’s well-known chants to the changed state of circumstances; But our friend Hazy’s object is also highly utilitarian. He intends to decorate the odd little ship-building freaks and other graceful fan- tasies of the Admiralty with poetic grace. Luckily for him, he is on pan. when I gave a guinea M ‘or a bouquet for on B—, Said, “ Jack, never be such @minny ; You’ll ruin your motheramd me. I pass’d round the sunny Rudesheimer, And bow’d to that worthy olfl-cock : He was culkg~-antiapstber, on pt sister, and brother. umm’d from an And swore there Seottiieeibe Hock ! half-pay at present, and free to exert himself in this manner. Our readers are possibly not aware that an Admiralty Regulation—so the gallant | officer assures us—forbids all officers on service to write on naval! matters in periodicals. For, as they are just the fit people to write—| why, of course, the subject would be instructively handled—and what | would become of the Service then ? | The first specimen which the Admiral has sent us of his performance, | belongs to the first of the above-mentioned classes. It is intended to be sung—with deference to Sin Cuantes Narrer—by the New School. “If ever the sun of Great Britain sets,’ was the beautiful sentiment of | a Captain whom we knew, “it will set in an ocean of Madeira!” He! was alluding to the increasing luxury of the midshipmen of the) Timbuctoo, which he then commanded. He subsequently, by-the-bye, perished on the coast of Africa from a surfeit of tripe, a martyr to his T’ other day as my uncle-was From the family pew out [ The Dean is a good hand at But the previous night Tra tose hank for soda; outepour’d it With some wine for the foundation rock. And I worshipp'd the fkine-es T floor’d'it, And swore was nothing like Hock ! Then trust me, if you. must be drinking, Let the grape line'the way to the grave , Rum-and-water—at least tomy thinking Is coarse as the salt of the wave: As for me, wine ’s my one only tipple— —I am just going-off to the _ y, weil, Or at leisure on shore,— ’Pon my honour, there’s nothing like Hock! MODEL ARTICLE ON A CERTAIN PERSON. (Dedicated to the Parliamentury Consors of the Press.) We should be sorry to express strong opinion on the acts of the Presipent of the French nation. lt is a constitutional maxim, that the Queen can do no wrong: and we would willingly ascribe the same impeccability to the elect of seven millions of Frenchmen. We are, therefore, in- | clined to doubt the statements, that he occa. | sioned his soldiery to shoot several hundred | French citizens at the windows and in the streets | of Paris; that he caused numerous officers and | other persons of distinction to be illegally seized, imprisoned, and banished, or that he has de- ported, to Cayenne and elsewhere, some thousand persons, without a conviction, without a trial, without a crime. We question whether he has enslaved the press, rolibited the expres- | sion of public opinion. € are sceptical as to the allegation that he has decreed any such | measure as the confiscation of the ORLEANS pro- | perty. But, even if he has done all these things, we should not be disposed hastily to censure him. If charity begins at home, it extends to a foreign nation; and it requires us to place the best construction we can on the motives of the man who was a special constable on the LOth of April. Frenchmen are not Englishmen, and though they certainly ought not on that account primitive tastes. There is a monument to him—(“ Hore comforting a! SS. to be bute jwithout good reason, yet there Negro.” By Hicson.)—in the churebyard at Sierra Leone. But this SS SSSo is a difference between the two nations, whieh | is a digression. Hazy’s first song, we say, is founded on Dispin’s S S in one may reduce to a dire necessity what in well-known “ Nothing like Grog.” But how different the object of this the other would be a dreadful crime. fine-minded writer! His song is as follows :— Circumstances alter cases ; and these observa- tions will apply equally to the other proceedings imputed, whether | |correctly or incorrectly, to Lovis Naroteox. The consideration of ‘them will remove = that appears objectionable in the policy which | he is said to have adopted, if he has adopted it: which, as we before | ‘remarked, we doubt. What seems the most probable of all the allega- tions made against him, is, that he has destroyed the liberty of the | Press: as most of the Parisian journals are, in fact, silent: but we \can understand and appreciate the motive which may restrain them How their vulgar ideas ’t wou!d mock ! |from prematurely pronouncing on matters which had better be left to And, spite of their rules, the judgment of the historian. And, for our own part, we should hesi- The old fools tate to say anything that might provoke a powerful enemy: not that Would surely, one fancies, have swigg’d it, the illustrious Pxiwce, to whom we allude, is in the slightest degree And sworn their was nothing like Hock ! irritable or vindictive. NOTHING LIKE HOCK. A plegue of those musty old lubbers ho said that a mid must not think ; That a gun-room was no place for “rubbers,” And “ grog” was the nght thing to drink ! JoHaNNISBERG! could they have twigg’d it,

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a. Pe ee ee a Santee ering ae: pM t “> Rami Sra een a ps et // / BRITANNIA CALLING My Mh py. HER DUCKS HOME. PROTECTIONIST UNITY OF THOUGHT. Tere are said to be just now three oppositions; but, though there may be a difference of opinion on the Anti-Ministerial benches, there is a remarkable unanimity of idea; for the two leaders—the Eart oF Dexsy in the Lords, and Mr. Disrazwi in the Commons—were found making use of exactly the same figure in almost precisely the same words. Both commented on the Queen’s Speech, and both suggested that one of its fifteen phs was the production of one of the fifteen members of the Esbinet. Considering that this was almost the only “point” in the speech of the Protectionist peer, as well as in that of the Protectiomst commoner, the question will be, whether two great men hit simultaneously on the same thought; or whether one took it from the other; and if so, which is the original, and which the copyist. The matter may perhaps give rise to a controversy similar to that regarding the respective claims of Apams and Lz Vexrizr to one of the recentiy discovered comets. The friends of the peer will stick up for the egg | of his Lordship, and will attribute to the Kari the early notion; while, on the other hand, the admirers of Mz. Disraz.i may perhaps assert that he had the idea cut and dried in his desk for met twenty-four hours before the speech was actually delivered. It will be impossible to decide on such a very delicate question ; but we can, at all events, have no hesi- tation in allowing that it looks as if the Protectionist opposition had been ae on the opening night of the Session by one—and exactly one—idea. The Sibthorp Parade. CoLonzt SrstHorr boasts that he was never inside the Crystal Palace, and still wants it pulled down. Will no consideration induce him to spare that wonderful building? He could at once preserve an ornament to the Metropolis, and obtain a great personal triumph, by persuading the House of Commons to keep up the Temple of Peace— = the purpose, in wet weather, of drilling soldiers in it for national ence, A CoLouraBLe Excuse.—Tue reluctance shown by many military men to abandon the red uniform, arises from a natural disinelination they feel to deserting their colours. THE GRAND EXPLANATION. Tae PREMIER. Normansy said, Turncot said WaLEwskI said he said— [ mean the noble Lord said—more than we said ; . So 1 said, did he say what certainly he said—as they said ? : Then he to what I said, after some three or four days’ delay, said, That as to what I said they said he said, he had said so 80; Whereupon | said, that after what he said we couldn’t get on; and he | had better go. Tue Ex-Forgicn Secretary. With regard to what I said ; at least, pases ay to what they have said To my noble—friend—as he said—'tis possible I may have said Something of that nature, perhaps, I in reply said, j As soon as | had time; but they had not said quite what I said. Besides, | said, what I said, as aforesai He said as weil, and they said, and many more said ; | | | | And what I said, as he said, and they said, I had a right to say, if 1 | chose. And, after all’s said and done, it is I who have kept you from blows. LORD BROUGHAM’S OPTICAL LECTURE. His Lordship, during his brief sojourn in Paris, on his way from to London, where he arrives—Puach is to say—full of southern sunlight, gave a lecture upon ies, to the t and ion of the French emy. r all, we may say of BroveHaM as Pzet said of PaLmenston—“ we are all proud of him.” | Nevertheless, his Lordship’s sense of fun—not that Punch complains of it; no, no! he leaves that to the over-grave and y over-foolish —will get the better of the scientific legislator. It was very — that Lorp Broucuam should give his lecture on Optics; but why—why, at such a time, did he propose to give—what he called “the greatest — Optical Lilusion that ever visited a nation ?”—and_then, followed up | his promise by producing a phantasm of Louis Napotzon in the | cocked hat, redingote, and boots of his uncle? We ought to feel at once | happy and lucky that our own BroveHaM is safe in London, and not on his way to Cayenne.

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bd 2 an = = Z, rz) om =) Ay > — - Z, - Watering the Editor's Inkstand. FOOLISH

Fesruary 14, 1852.

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ra science

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. SPEAK, MR. COBDEN! ON THE CHANCE OF PEACE OR WAR, Am—* Kathleen Mavourncen.” Cospex, oh Coppew! they talk of invasion By Louis Napotzon, that fierce Bonaparte : They bid us prepare. Is there any occasion ? Say, Ricuarp Cospen, Peace Man aa thou art! Speak, Mz. Conpew ! Cospex, oh Coppew! new rifles we ’re making, At nearly a mile which are able to kill ; Whilst thus the old British Lion is waking, Cospen, my Ricnarp, thou’rt slumbering still. “Speak, Cospen! Ot Oe Se Gt ow wast is im danger being surprised by a sudden descent ? Should we prepare for receiving the stranger, Or rest with existing provisions content ? Speak, Cospen ! Conieal bullets our foemen to riddle Deemst thou ’tis needful or prudent to cast ? st thou the public alarm as all fiddle, thinkst thou the wolf will indeed eome at last ? Speak, Mn. Conpen ! we to add to our naval defences ? Oe A ae a ere _ increase of our troops we go incur t! expenses, Shouldst thou consider us mere nincompoops ? Speak, Mz. Cospen ! Armaments useless our money to spend on, Certainly we should be acting like geese ; But have we any sure ground to depend on, In trusting our neighbours wil! leave us at peace ? Speak, Mr. Cospen ! As to war’s glory, we re nowise more partial To that sort of nonsense than thou and friend Brieut, Yet, though our humour is"not the least martial, Were we pitched into—just wouldn’t we fight ? peak, Mr. Coppen! Coxnpew, assist us! we seek information, We must take due care to defend Britain’s shore : We’re scarcely less anxious to bring down taxation And keep the Collector away from the door. Speak, Ma. Cospen! Cospzw ! on one hand the Income Tax presses, The chances of war on the other affright : We can’t tell which evil the greater or less is ; Couldst thou enlighten us—haply we might. CospEn A Cabinet Picture. We always looked upon Loxp Patmerstow as a great politician ; but we learned for the first time, on the opening night of the Session, that he is also a great artist. We glean this fact from his announce- ment to the House, that he would not trouble it with the letter he wrote to Lorp Jomw Russext, “nor with the illustration the letter! contaimed.” We can only imagine that, as the tone of the letter was | rather severe, the “illustration” must have been satirical; and that) — sent the Premier a “large cut,” as well as a A VERY MILD COMPLAINT. | Tue Eart or Dersy complained of the disorderly arrangement of | topies in the QueEn’s Speech. If the noble Earl’s party had succeeded | im their struggle to perpetuate the starvation laws, the disorder might have been, not in the Speech, but in the country. A Mors Aprretrrs.—May it not be maintained that a vegetarian who eats gooseberry fool is a cannibal ? THE FIRST COMMITTEE OF SUPPLY. we of the first debates of the Session —as reported — has been a discussion on culinary economy — the | affairs of the Kitchen and | Refreshment - rooms — in short, provisional arrange- ments. We are glad to ol however ill it | may augur for Protec- tionist prospects—that the House - ~- my —_ sist in t icy of ¢ food. Mr. Frasca, . : : _Yeference to the present panty victualling establishment, objected to sherry at 6s. a ttle ; and so do we, at least when we have to pay for it ourselves ; | and the wine is, like that cated by the honourable Member | for mmon, not worth half that sum. Mr. Cuisnorm Anstry enlivened the debate by proposing thet a Roman Catholic should be placed on the Committee appointed to direct the comestible business of the House —naming Sergeant Murpny: who would be a safe | man, and is not, by all accounts, however orthodox,' the sort of Roman Catholic who would want roast bishop as well as roast beef. | Lorp M. Hr also amused the House with a recitation ‘of the bill of existing charges, which he argued were le; saying, that a | portion of soup was charged 1s,, mutton broth and achopJikewise Ls.; a statement which occasioned “laughter,” as if Hon. Gentlemen | thought such prices were ridiculously small, If the “ portionof soup” | of the parliamentary carte is equivalent to the one ox, or one’mock, of | the ordinary restaurant, one shilling, even with a penny extra for the waiter, can hardly be considered an exorbitant cost, supposing the ox to be the honest tail, and the mock a decent imitation. The supply of fish, according to the noble Lord, was quite as cheap, as he proved by going into particulars ; but though he we the figure of soles, whiting, mackerel, turbot, codfish, and salmon, fe omitted to say how much was asked for a plaice. That nearly the first discussion in the House of Commons should have related to eating and drinking, promises well. It looks sensible. At any rate, we aa hee to have no quarrelling between “the Belly and the Members.” A FAIR TAX ON KNOWLEDGE. Tey manage some things better in Prussia, as well as in France than they do here. Prussian Government has imposed on political periodicals a stamp-duty of half a pfenning for every 100 square inches of superficial contents. oa, It is not for us to hoast. Weare not going to brag of our superiority to other journals. But if English political periodicals were charged with stamp-duty according to their superficial contents, we can only sa that we do not w which would have the better reason to be satistied, the Government or Punch. A Startling Free Trade Question. Tue Morning Herald asks— “ Shall we hand over our noble West Indian colonies to the rattlesnake and the | We think not. We are convinced that England will commit no such act of injustice. Cir if the rattlesnake and the naked negro are, hence- | forth, to be the sole proprietors of the soil, confident we are, that | England will make due compensation to the scorpions and mosquitoes. | naked negro?” A DRY PACT, Tue Protectionists complain very bitterly of the drain upon the land, | But practical agriculturists are always telling us, that a thorough draining is what the land most requires. Theatrical Intelligence. We understand that two new pieces at the Lyceum Theatre have just been su by our ever-vigilant censor, in consequence of their sarcastic titular allusion to-the position and s of the Prince President of France. The pieces in question are called The Prince of Happy Land and The Game of Speculation, CAVALRY REFORM, How can a horse which costs so very little as that of a British Dragoon’s be, with any sort of propriety, called a charger 7

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oo ee Lee ed

70 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

THE POETICAL COOKERY-BOOK. | MUTTON CHOPS. | Arm—* Come dwell with me.” Come dine with me, come dine with me, And our dish shall be, our dish shal) be, A Mutton Chop from the butcher’s shop,— And how I cook it you shall see. The Chop I choose is not too lean ; For to cut off the fat 1 mean. Then to the fire I put it down, And let it fry until ’tis brown. _ Come dine with me; yea, dine with me, &c. I’\! fry some bread cut rather fine, To place betwixt each chop of mine; Some spinach, or some cauliflowers, May ornament this dish of ours. I will not let thee once repine At having come to me to dine : *T will be my pride to hear thee say, “ | have enjoy’d my Chop, to-day.” Come, dine with me; yes, dine with me ; Dine, dine, dine, with me, &c. MERELY A MATTER OF FORM. © Opposttion to Law Reform has proceeded, and is likely to proe . must be confessed es have scarcely ac- | quired a sound footing upon the Englis as yet—and | > ve | “nature’s journeymen (and carpenters) have made the men” and women, still they have made them so well, that they imitate humanity, as it is generally represented on the stage, anything but abominably.

—bu! to th butte no bl rellin loude little as lo’ ques wors Mar

pro

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To praise any one actor where all are so excellent, would be invidious, we think we have met with this line in theatrical criticisms before) —but, on some fiiture occasion we intend to pay a little more attention to the peculiar style of each puppet, and to use our thunderbolt, or butterboat, accordingly. As we were behind the scenes, we into the green-room. All was quiet, perfect harmony, and -nature- There was no jealousy, no black looks, no heart-burnings, or bickerings, or the slightest quar- relling going on. There was a holy silence that spoke (for silenee speaks louder sometimes than ae of peace within. The little puppets were atm | t the floor, and looked as gentle and as loving as the Babes in the Wood, We do not know whether we have satisfactorily answered the question of “ Where is the S going to?” buf it might go to many worse places than the Lo Arcade, and take a lesson of the Marionnettes, WHAT THE DEBATES WILL COME TO. IMPERIAL PARLIAMENT.—HOUSE OF COMMONS. ORDER OF THE DAY, Ow Mr. Moneay presenting a petition from the electors of Mon- mouthshire for a bill to secure a knowledge of the Welsh language on the part of cl appointed to livings in Wales,— Lorp Joun Russeut observed, that there were worse things than a Welsh rabbit. His Lordship then moved the order of the day. Sm James Gaanam hada opinion of Welsh mutton; he also thought a Welsh trout a capi h. Mr. Dtsraewi considered that the Right Honourable Baronet was wrong (laughter) in beginning with mutton and then taking fish. Soup, indeed, always came first—~at least in the party which he had the honour to be connected with (cheers). wnsld suieas taegeabiien atthagete Eioed uee t! ation at to the level of applicants at a sou kitchen. (Order! and Questiom!) so , Mr. CutsHoitm ANsTEY would ask a question of Government. Did they approve of red ings? (Hear, from the [rish Members.) If so, all he could say was, he had asked the Senceawt-at-Anss if there were bloaters, and there were none. Tue CHANCELLOR OF THE ExcnEquenr was free to confess (hear, from Mr. Reywoups) that Her Masesty’s Ministers had no objection whatever to a good red woe breakfast (hear). But if it were proposed to dine off the same dish (hear, hear), he was not prepared to > he = the a could consent to that proposition. (Oh, oh! from Mr. Coppew had just had a cut off an aitch-bone of beef. not quite so well done as he wish. Sm C. Kyrewriey preferred beef rather underdone. Mx. Home said a shoulder of mutton and onion sauce was not a bad _ You ought to have mealy potatoes , An interesting conversation of some length then took place, on the comparative merits of snipe and ; after which, Lozp Joun Russi, in reply to a question from Mz. Rozsuck, wiedged that he looked confidently the usual whitebait dinner at Greenwich, on the conclusion of the It was PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL -| But Barry came, and prosed policy of the Honourable Member for Bucks | orward to the enjoyment of | 71 | Seesion. Then would come the grouse: which he liked uncommonly. | (Cheers.) Sm Rosert Ivexis said there was an observation which, perh e made just now, when were ing of beef. After THE OLD HOUSE AND THE NEW. (BY a BLDERLY «M.P.) On, the Old Honse it was simple, and some might cail it bare; All unadorn’d its benches, and plain its Speaker’s chair ; There was no gilding on the reof, and on the honest panes No Dragons or Lions Red, flaunted Oh, were its galleries, where worn-out public men Conld take their a. poniny Part > mater of the Speaker's ken ; And snug, too, were those benches each side the er’s door, When some long-winded Member had possession of the floor. Bo wentiinticn Baap iat Reads a lt Sento dite That the temperature was: t—in the heat, too, of debate ; One’s head was cool, one’s’ were warm, one knew no roasts nor chills ; | And the only draughts one-suffered from, were sometimes drafts of Bills. Upon acoustic principles'the roof might not be plann’d, — But still one heard Sen ee ee In short, though art and architects at our Old House might sneeze, One heard, saw, slept, lounged, listen’d in’t, talk’d, sat, or stood at ease. and plann’d, and the New House arose the tune of “ That ’s the way the money goes,” Leisurely—to All beflower’d with Tudor roses and porteullises, by seores, / Witir-painting on the windows and gilding on dy honen Nought could be statelier than the roof, or richer than the walls, The poppy-heads upon the seats would have graced Cathedral stalls ; The monsters that athwart the panes displayed their colours rare, Were right Rouge Dragons to a scale, true Blue Lions to a hair. There was not an inch of surface where an ornament would stick, But there you had the ornament, laid on, as thick as thick. The Medieval lettering was so extremely fine, ; None but a Record-office clerk could read a single line. In short, this grand New House of ours, to take it on the view, Is what the late Gzonee Rosms would have called “ quite a bijou ;” And if, on trial, it be found to have its slight defect— — What odds that it ’s not comfortable? One knows that it’s correct: "Tis true that finish’d in two years the House was to have been ; | Whereas it has been now in hand somewhere about sixteen : "Twas to cost less than a million, we were told; whereas, ‘tis true, | We shall be extremely lueky if we get off for éwo. | In a room meant for debating, some, no doubt, might have preferr’d | That the roof should have been pitched, so that speakers could be | heard ; But, when one thinks how sadly the style this might have marr’d, One feels that to insist on’t would have been extremely hard. | | Unreasonable Members declare it makes them ill | To be kept sitting in a dranght, enough to turna mill: Of course, they wouldn’t say so, if they would just reflect, | Doors must be hung, and archways pierced, not for comfort, but effect. , Some will complain of nasty smells, and some of leaking lamps, Some of alternate heats and chills, engend’ring aches and cramps ; Some will contrast the Old House with the New one, just as though They didn’t see that that was built for use, and ¢his for show. IyFoRMATION FoR THE BuripeRr.—It is said to be a fact that some ‘of the Heads of Houses at Oxford and Cam are t.

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p33 72 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL ——EE $$$ —= — —_—_== FIRST SONG OF THE*SESSION. A CASE OF SINGING SMALL. Ox no! , never ion it ; ne ep annie ant Deiknants TU = ress is very wrong to print = mani a : i ri ; ii : they Be silent ard forget ! rants | No matter if he confiscate, | | oe | if And plunder right and left; iii ill} ie Although your eyes view Wy a an The victims thus You must not pen the least complaint, al iN : not, pem the least co i: il j | DF ; q By Lm ™ | | | wr y 4 i The Autocrat provoke! i ff “lk \ Vay And should he then invade your land, | aE wes | erie A | s he, in } Wile ts | eee HN &§ Not much restrain’d by laws: * sii hk, we ; Youll then reflect with comfort, that, rif His anger to avert, ; } You did whatever you could do, By truckling in the dirt! Heroes and their Highlows. | Army clothiers and their ers cannot be expeeted | to be metaphysicians; but they display an i of | which’anybody ought to be as as to the nature of the human understanding, and the requirements of the oe £ man - supplying the or, with _ most Kage able boots. Our troops are s apparently, rat ith | le view to increase the halt, than to assist the march; ' and in the event of invasion, what can we expect of men | | thus crippled, but a lame defence ? oe ae ee | ROMAN ARTILLERY. | Ir the Canon Law were introduced among us, the next | thing the importers would bably do, would be to insti- | Ellen. “Ou, von't Tease me To-pay, Cuarter; I’m not at att Wet!” ahd indrtpeoeedtiee: cot 0 tad Charley (a Man of the World). “1 tett You Waar it 1s, Cousin—tTHE PACT lI 1s, You ane in Love! Now, You take tHe Apvice or a Fettow wo nas; -Kwnotann’s Best Szcurimes.—Her Government Se- | | SkEN A Goop Dea or tHat Sort or Tuinc, ann pon't cive Way to it!” | curities. ’ } iii 4 “4 ” THE C ' THTp whip the offending Anam out of” Lovis Dawzmayer, but also the THE CONSTITUTIONAL WHIP. | offending Eve (not usually whipped in civilised nations) out of Eve h Av * | DeMMELHART. i z Sire, ey Pe ee Aes Further, the Times says that, out of several ringleaders in a strike, Your Masesty pays me a very high compliment in applying to | “Six have received 25 blows each with a stiek, one 20, and fourteen 15 blows. Four me for information. I have the honour to state, that there 1s attaehed | persons are 1 to punishment with a stick for opposing the police, and thirteen others, whose names are not even mentioned, are sentenced to short terms of imprison to the British Cabinet such a functionary as that one about whom your | font" or less severe corporal punishment.” Masesty inquires: but the nature of his office has been erroneously : represented to your Magesty. I humbly hope that, in the plenitude of| Altogether, therefore, it must be allowed that your Masesty’s your Masesry’s mercy, you will so far spare the individual who has | paternal government smacks pany | of the whip. misled you on this point, that you will not cause him to be thrown to | It is not strange, then, that Hera BronDERBOHM (hoaxed, most likely, the lions, plunged into boiling oil, broken on the wheel, racked to | by some wicked wag) should have formed and communicated to death, burnt alive, impaled, sawn asunder, or chopped up into small Masesty an incorrect idea of our Ministerial “ Whipper-In.” TI bits, A good flogging, I would venture to suggest, might satisfy your | employe wields no other whip than the figurative scourge of exhortation. justice, as he only deceived you unintentionally. Having the happiness | Though sometimes called an —ao he does not operate with s to be one of your Masesty’s subjects, he naturally measured us poor | real strap; and I may assure your Masesry that it is no of. his barbarians by your Mazesty’s Imperial bushel. It is not very won-| business to flog Members, or their wives, when Honourable derful- that he should have believed the duties of that same Parlia-| vote in opposition to Government. mentary personage to be such as he described them. Let your! 4 F Maszsty only be pleased to consider with what a state of things he is | I have the honour to remain, not your, familiar, by reason of enjoying the advantage of living under your | Bat another, Masesti’s blessed rule. For instance, the Zimes publishes the following sentence | Humble Subject and Servant, as having been the other day on a youth at Vienna, for forget- | PUNCH. ting to take off his hat to his Most Gracious Sovereien :— PS.—Mer it oI " fally to Par the “Lon shopman = .S.—May it please your Mazesry fully to understand, when a aiinry sehen, fin tdeactaty Gene ouinons in ayeane pee ore seu, OS) Whipper-In” ‘ said to bring his party up to the scratch, there is 0 The same paper also records that, in the list of those lately tried and naan toSe a. condemned by court-martial, is found Pr. oe for Pm 4 Pon ions, 20 stripes with a rod, ona | University Intelligence. eight days’ military arrest (irons on t), during two of which she is to have A ki f d to gi account of the aoe but teend ane eeaen” TUTOR asking a fast undergraduate to give an acc C it hale we Judgment of Paris, the rapid student replied, he believed it was Vouchsafe, Starz, to take notice, that your Royal tribunals not only unfavourable to Louis NaPoLeon. — Printed by William Bradt ury, of No. 18, Upper Woburn Place ia the Parish of St. Pancras, and Prederiek Mullet: Evans, of No.7, Charch Row, Stoke Newington. both im the County of Middlesex, Printers, st i (Oicr fe Lombard 6 6a fs tie Prbenemt of Whine tem, te the One of ieasce ant neice ene ee eet orn ad Lenton Saseene Hearany a time-h divides

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. REFORM OF THE HOUSE OF LORDS. (A Serious Omission in Lonp Jony’s Bill.) N the? good old coaching times, travellers were familiar with the opera- | tion of “ putting on the | drag ” in 1 an incline. On railways we | do not see that putting the drag on the wheels of the Govern- ment Stage Coach when driving on the Reform road ; which they regard as _—— = nside the very slow ne ge of the Second Estate with re- gard to political gress, Lonp Jonw KRvus- SELL, probably, when he concocted his present Reform Bill, never even thought of reforming the ouse of Lords. We, who think of everything, have thought of that. And we mean to say what we think— notwithstanding any Earw’s desire to the contrary, It is an indisputable truth that there can be no such a being as a born legislator. As unquestionable is the fact that there may be a born ass. ‘e are not proving that fact—only stating it—pace your word-snapper on the look-out for 4 snap. ; But your born ass may be born to your yy office, and command a seat in the house ¢ aoe by inheritance, as in not a few examples, wherein the coronet hides not the 8 ears. The object of a Reform in the House of Lords, should be to keep the asinines of the aristocracy out of it: so that the business of the country may be no more impeded by their braying, or by their kicking. Nobody is a physician by birth. Even the seventh son of a seventh son must undergo an examination before he is allowed to prescribe a dose of physic for an old woman. But any eldest son, or other male relation, of a | ao of a certain order is chartered, as such, to m Gorm the body corporate: which is absurd. . Now, the Reform we for the House of Lords, is, not to admit any : only claim to mem ip is that of having been born a Peer, to practise his profession without examination. Examine him in the Alphabet—there have been Peers who didn’t know that. In reading, writing, and arithmetic: you already make a Lord—the Mayor of London—count hobnails. In history—for he is to help furnish materials for its next page. In geography, astronomy and the use of the globes; which, being indispensable to ladies, are 4 fortiori to be required of Lords. In political economy, the physiology of the Constitution which he will have to treat. In medicine, that he may understand the analogies of national and individual t ics ; and also learn not to — homeeopaths and other quacks. In geology, that he may acquire a philosophical idea o' pedigree, by comparing the bones of his ancestors with those of the ichthyosaurus, or the ion of his house with the granite rocks. In the arts and § sciences, generally, which it will be his business to promote, if he does his business. In literature, that he may cultivate it; at least, respect it, and stand up for the liberty of unlicensed printing, instead of insulting and calumniating the Press. _ Pe This is our scheme of Peerage Reform, to which the principal objection we anticipate is, that it is impracti it can’t be done; and that, warned by the confusion and disorder that has resulted from change in foreign nations, we should shrink from touching a time-honoured institution; which is as much as to say, that because our neighbours have divided their carotid arteries, we had better not shave ourselves. ogee whose THE CUP OF PROSPERITY. Fiscat returns show that since 1842 we have consumed an immense deal of tea; a quantity, the duty on. which has contributed 25,970,000 to the revenue. This fact gives rise to various reflections in different minds. As the amount nearly equals the malt tax, the friends of temperance rejoice in observing that we are almost as much tea-drinkers as beer-drinkers, if we are not quite tea-totallers. The philanthropist will be delighted with the evidence of our increasing friendly intercourse with the Chinese: the grocer will exult over his improving trade. For our own part, when we consider what a quantity there has been drank of what is called tea, we lose ourselves in the endeavour to calculate how many tons of beech, elm, horse-chestnut, willow, hawthorn, and sloe-leaves, of catechu, gum, China clay, | THE COMPLAINT OF THE COUNTRY M.-P. “Ma. Srzaxen, if you please, I'l! a song.” py ~ From the mountain, from the fallow, From the breezy Pig the sore o rea atc, 0 this ! On wie en aiation To the Hell df Lect a 0 Worse than any badger’s hole! All our walls with damps are wetted, And within our reeking We are breathing sulphuret' What d’ye call it —hydrogen, With acid car—bo—bonic,— Here’s a yjretty kind of pass !— And Ley ay = ills pulmonic From free hydrocarbon gas ! Whilst in one place we are stewing, In another spot freeze, Some are puffing, eke whewing, and wheeze ; Others shiver, Ang this is =e scientific grounds, Which has cost the British nation Near a hundred thousand pounds, As to eons I doubt it, And all such-like wild pursuits, They know nothing more about it, Any of them, than my boots. a leon to tates m As sm is on men of science, Who your money only waste. Drat and your gases, pA by nord and Brawpes, And a Lresies, and your asses, Who would have us drug our lands that there sort of thing ! THE CORN LAWS AND THE CROWN. Tae Ear or Dexsy has proved that—The dear loaf is the brightest jewel in Hex Masesty’s Crown : The country gentlemen of England are the bulwarks of the monarchy. are indissolubly connected with the soil of the country. To flourish in their natural vigour, they must have high rents. Protection gives high rents. High rents protect the monarchy. Destroy protection, high rents fall—country gentlemen decay—their connexion with the soil is dissolved—the bulwarks are destroyed, and a republic or a ism ensues. the British crown. Unwholesome Legislation. It is lucky that most subj of im the m4 are well ——— out Parlia- | to ment before they are discussed in it. The atmo- sphere of the new House of i citiacdsostanh eee circums r con- solation to reflect thet Parliament shine a longer waste their breath, because all the air that issues from their lungs is breathed over again. eS pes pice ape indigo, black-lead, and silk-worms’ sweepings, have been must be paid for.” VoL. XXII —The dear loaf is the brightest jewel in Commons to smother all debate. | Morro vor 4 Mowtaty Nunse.—“ Children |

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74 PUNOH, OR THE LONDON CH ARIVARL

THE HERALORY OF PARLIAMENT.

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NEW WINDOW OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS, AS SEEN BY MB, HUME. Some of the windows of the new Houses of Parliament present such fearful features, that those who have entrusted with the giass for the purpose of staining, would have done better by abstaining altogether. Mx. Hume, who has had an opportunity of studying the antiquities of Middlesex, has found a wondrous resemblance to our old friend, the Red Lion of Brentford, in one of the vitreous represeatations of the animals that have the honour of supporting the heraldic dignity of the Crown of England. Professors of Heraldry tell us that the liom is symbolical of strength ; but the creature framed and glazed in the new Houses is a poor broken-legged brute, which seems to have been recently on the rack —an idea that ought not tobe suggested by anything within an English House of Parliament: The British Liom hasbeen subjected to much humiliation at the hands of all parties during the lastfew’years; but he was never seen in a more ignoble attitude than | ‘hat m which he figures at the Legislative Palace. The expression of his countenance, and the frightful contortion of his limbs, can only indicate an excess of pain that would render his roar a subject of pity, rather than a sound of terror. _ Daivive a Fearrot Trape.—Lovis Napotzon has been — about in Lovurs PutLives’s carriages, which he has quietly helped himself to. We sugaest that, for the information of Bnglish residents at least, each time the President tra in one of these purloined vehicles, there be scribbled on each panel :—“‘ Cangiace not Pap.”

GOLD IN SCOTLAND. Tere is no more doubt in the mind of the un- prejudiced Scotchman that the true Ophir was no other than Leith, than that Queen SHeBa carried peacocks from Peebles, and monkeys from Montrose. This, we say, has long been known to the philo- sophie Seotchman. And now does the Isle of Skye |burn with red gold, dimming and putting out the l|auriferous rays of California and Bathurst. “ If we consider the geology of Skye, we have every reason to conclude”—writes a correspondent of the North British Mail—“ that it abounds in rich |metalliferous substances.” The Cuchullin Hills in | Skye are, with some drawback, hills of gold. Gold “ may be found nearthe tract of the Spey—through- lout the whole of the t glen of Scotland!” | There is gold “on the ks of the Conon and | Carron Rivers ;” gold, “in Sutherlandshire;” gold, |“ especially near the Shin and Oykel Waters |” | We believe we must give it up as a humiliating | truth, that the first gold that was*ever known in | England came from Scotland; and consequently from |that time to the present, every Scotchman has felt \it to be a moral and national duty to travel south in | search of it.

THE STORM IN PARLIAMENT. Oa — eee ist ye Mem ease Hear a brother legislator 4 Tell the dangers of the breeze. ’T wixt Rew and Barry they have thrown us; On one or both the error lies ; Between the two they’ve nearly blown us Out of window to the skies: | Hark! the Speaker hoarsely calling— “ This atmosphere I cannot stand ; The heat is really quite ing :— | | |

Is there no cooler air at hand?” Now, it freezes—stop the portals ; Now with furnace-heat we glow. Can they think that we are mortals, While they chill and roast us so ? Now, all you on chairs reclining, Seated round a cheerful grate, After comfortably dining, | Think of our u py state. Round us blow the tor’s breezes, With a fierceness that appals; Till the Speaker, ’twixt his sneezes, For a warmer mixture \ Now, the furnace-fire is rm _ Coal on coal they frantic 3 On us burning blasts come pouring, In our eyes hot gas-lights flash. Perspiration all around us; Gusts of cold air ing by ; Different atmospheres confound. us. Shall’ we boil, or freeze, or fry ? | “The warmth isgone!” cries every tongue out— The skin receives a sudden check ; They, who for air so lately sung out, Feel cold and stiffness in the neck. The cuttiag wind cuts us to pieces ; From further ventilation hold : Now, the fearful heat increases— Now, again, ’tis icy cold. Overboard let ’s throw the doctors ; Let them leave us quite alone : Till by these great air-decocters Something definite is known. Hot and cold, with constant bother, Too much the constitution wears ; Let them botlry blow up each other, lf they want to show their airs. | THe Question or tHe Day.—What shall we have for Dinner? (See Hansard, Feb. 4.)

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CHEMISTRY OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS. To Mr. Punch. LEASE, S1z,—Taking up the Times news. | paper, I read the following lines | in the report of Lory Sermoun’s | eech about the ventilation of the House of Commons :— cimnitaaitiitt saat “4 As to the removal of the products | of combustion of tights in the corridors, he (Lornp Srymovr) had met that by dis- | pensing with gas, and substituting wax | candles, that Hon. Members might not | be troubled with the eseape of gas.’ “Tf I had known Lorp Sey- | mour, I could have told him that the products of combustion are those things that any substance | that is burnt changes into by burni So, as for meeting the | removal of those products from | the corridors, b lights instead 0 gas, he may have ‘met that,’ but he did not m it. If Lonxp, Seymour would, pay a little attention to, his chemistry, he would learn: that the products of the combustion of wax,,lights are carbonic,acid | gas and.watery vapour ; and those | of coakgas when pure, are just | the same: and therefore, that he would not be able to removewthe | products of burning coal, gas, so as to do any good, by putting»the products of wax. candlesiin their place. It is true that he would prewent | the escape of unburnt gas, but preventing the escape of gas,amburnt,.| is not removing. the products of combustion. I don’t knowekow.old | Lorp Seymour is; but if he has a papa, his papa shouldwjakewhim sometimes, as mine does. me, tothe Royal Institution, where,he wauld | learn all about combustion and its products, and the difference: between | them. and gas that has never been burnt at all. I remainymy. dear r. Punch, “Your affectionate young Friend, “ Risine Ten.” DECREE ON THE COSTUME OF THE FRENCH SENATORS: ConsIDERING,that the Senators and Councillors of State will be-the mere laequeys of the President, it is fit that they should be reminded of their eyism by: wearing the President’s livery. [t is, therefore, hereby decreed, that the following shall be the costume of those individuals, who, on entering the service of despotism, deserve, at all events, a,good dressing. Tue Senators will-wear a coat of blue velvet, the softness of the| material indicating their pliancy; and they will have stiff standing | collars to assist them in. holding up their heads,—a task they may find rather difficult. They will have embroidered cuffs at the hands, the gaudiness of these hand-cuffs being emblematical of the salaries for | which the Senators will sell themselyes. _ Tae Councuaors or Stare will wear a light-blue coat of the) finest quality, approaching as.near as possible to Cashmere, and emble-| matical of the mere cash, which will be their indueement for accepting | their situations. There will be nine gilt buttons in front, with plenty | of gold. about the:pockets. The.waisteoat will be white, to enable. the | wearer to put.on the appearance of a clean breast ; and the trousers | will be also white, to indicate, by a total absence of colour, the nega- tive character of the.wearer. The embroidery will consist chiefly of olive leaves, the emblems of peace; and as the Councillors of State will have nothing to do bus. hold their peace on every topic, the design will be ba eg ow ‘ In undress, the-quality of the.coat is not essential: it is embroidered about the collar and.cnffs, for it is imperative that every Senator, and every Councillor of State, should be collared and enffed exactly in accordance with the will of the President. In the name of the French Nation; done by Lovis Narotgon. A Modest Remuneration. Members complain of the £200,000 spent in attempts at ventilating the new of i t. But considering the variety of bad smells in. these Houses, we doubt if the architect has received more than his regular £5 per scent. Srurm. Queay.— Whether Mr. Rep prepares the drafts of all the Government Bills 9—Our Insane Contributor. | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. a emg, | J ss. And he as, le may the largest child. she, ever saw—and quite plamp, too—you see—Dicss he fet). | out jeans alter. Finesrts.was MRS. BAKER’S PET. THE PET HAVING BEEN RECOVERED AND REINSTALLED, MR. BAKER HAS RESIGNED HIMSELF. BUT, WITH ALL HIS BFPOKTS TO CONTROL HIS FEELINGS, AS A MAN AND A HUSBAND, THE PET 18 OCCASIONALLY TOO MUCH FOR HIM. IN JUSTICE TO MR. BAKER, IT MUST BE AC- KNOWLEDGED THAT MRS. BAKER'S VISITORS INCLINE RATHER TO HIS VLEW OF THE PET THAN TO HERS, AS WILL BE SEEN FROM THE FOLLOWING SCENE, Scene 7.—Mrs. f1perrts (of 3, Albert Villas, Notting Hill,) has called on Mus. Baken, ostensibly to return the polite attention of that lady, in making many kind inquiries after Mus, ¥inarrts, on a late interesting occasion, but really. with a view to the triumphant display of the Baby. Mrs. Baker (nuzzling the Baby, and addressing it in the unknown tongue | familiar to mothers, nurses, and infants), And was it a tiddy-itty—icketty— | icketty—siszy-icksy—tiddy-itty—was it a dear? Yes—I declare, my dear, it’s one of the strongest, prettiest, healthiest, little loves of a baby Lever saw. I assure you it is—and so like his papa! Mrs. Fidgetts. Oh! well—Mas. Baxken—I ’m so glad you see the j is very strong, bless him!—and the nurse says he ’s Mas, Baker ocular proof of Oh—it ’s.alove ! Mrs. Fidpete I ’mafraid-he ’s a little hot. Mrs. . Suppose Lwas to openthewindow—just a leet!c. = sdgotte: Ob ble ink "4 mt rs. Fidgetts; dear—no—oh}-. tebe such @ thing— = dear baby might catch, his Phere ry LT’ just loosen his pelis ere. ay Baker, You must n’t worrit yourself—toowmmueh-—my dear— you know. Mrs. Fidgetts, Oh—no—as I’m nursing him, you:know. .But, really, the fright [ had, as I came along—just at your gate—a nasty dog leapt. up—at baby—and L thought he would haveyterm him. out of myarms ! Mrs. Baker. Deax me! Mrs. Fidgettsinud | can’t bear dogs—you kmowenemever can be sure they ain’tumad. Mrs.Bakensgather stifly), Ob—1 hope youwareaboveguck silly pre- ® ‘ ie TE of! it !—it breaks ing.me of avase im Staffordshire, it never broke,out till he grew up, and him !—(giving Mrs. Baker. where an and got married, and. b rk thre tried to bite his wife—and died of it. Quite-horrible ! Mrs. Baker. 1 don’t believe such stories. and none of my dogs ever went mad (abruptipdurning from the subject). But you’l.take.a glass of wine after. vwalk ? Mrs. Fidgetts. T' you—no wine, as [’m nursing, A very little | mild ale—if you had it, Mrs. Baker, Oh—certainly—my dear. Mrs. BAKER rings. rushes up to Mus. Fincerts, and her and the Baby, leaping up in the direction of the latter), Urs. Fidgetts, Oh—it’s the nasty dog—that tried to bite him as we came in!—Oh—take him out—the horrid brute !—Oh—Mxaus. Baxer— pray—I shall faint—Oh—now— (Scamp, in a frantic bound, all but attains the Baby, and exciled ly the vehement terrors of Mus. Fiveurts, becomes more and more violent in his demonstrations, Mrs. Baker. Down, Scamr! there’sagood. dog !—Don’t be frightened, my dear—he’s as.gentle as a lamb. Mrs, Fidgetts, On, the baby! he’ll have the, baby—oh, dear !—the nasty brute—oh, take him away ! ' rs. Baker (rather nettled at the coarse language applied to Soame by Mus. Fingers), Really—my dear—you're quite absurd—L assure you the poor deat dog only wants, you to, caress him.—Down, Scamer ! we Fidgetts, There—he will-have him ! She. rises, and. flies to. the door, pursued by Scamv, who, imagining that her rapid movement isa challenge to a game of romps, bounds about.and upon her more strenuously than ever, wagging his tail, and testifying the greatest pleasure. Oh, dear! will you catch the horrid thing? Oh, Mus. Baxen, do you want to see my baby torn in pieces? Oh, how can you? Oh, the brute ! (SpricuLes makes t ] Mrs. Baker. Mus. ¥iveetts, L beg you, will.not speak of my dog in that..manner. He’s just as ma’am, or. as..you are.yourself, ma’am ; a great deal less, for what with——There, take him out, Jamzs—poor thing! am sure ; —(ScamMp threewweeks after his wedding-day, and | I’ve had dogs all my life, | Enter Seniaoies—followed by Scamp (who | executes a.wild frisk round | neffectual attempts to secure Scam. | | of injuring. your. baby as Lam, | |

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76 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL is secured and borne off by Sexicoies)—for what with your cockering and coddling the poor thing, it | will be a mercy if it ever gets over its teething. Mrs. Fidgetts (firing up). Mas. Baker, ma’am, 1’!i thank you not to interfere with my manage- | ment of ™y baby, ma’am. It is my baby, t believe, ma’am. Not being blessed with a family yourself, Oo ma'am, I don’t wonder at your taking a fancy to dogs, ma’am ; but ; ma’am, to hydrophobia, ma’am. So, if you please, I must wish you a very good morning, ma’am. [With cutting politeness. | ears, Urs. Baker (with dignity as cutting). Certainly, ma’am—and | hope, ma’am, the next time you call you will send me notice, ma’am—that I may send my dog out of the house, ma’am. She rings for Seaicetes. The door is opened for Mas. Fincerts, who is preparing for a majestic exit, when Scamp, who has been shut wp in the kitchen, takes advantage of SrnicGLes’ answering the bell to make a sudden sortie, and encounters Mus. ¥incerrs, with the Baby, in the passage. Delighted to renew the acquaintance, he spriags upon them as before. Urs. Fidgetls (shricking). Oh! here’s that dreadful dog, again! Ob, my baby !—he’ll have my baby! u—how ean you, Mus. Baxer! Oh!—take him away—do! Tasteau.—Mars. Fiogetts, bearing her Baby, is seen to rush through the front garden, closely pursued by Scamp; who, in his turn, is pursued by Spriccies, who succeeds in capturing the Pet just as he has got a corner of the Baby's long clothes in his mouth, and is about to improve the opportunity. THE MONKEY AND THE TIGER. Tue Bristol Mirror relates an anecdote of real brute life that does, in a very extraordinary manner, present the animal combination irreverently avouched by VoLtrarre—namely, the Monkey and the Tiger. Ma. Womswett has—or had—his Ark in the jovial city of Bristol; and one of the keepers felt it to be his painful duty to whip one of the monkeys. Now the monkey, having no sense of contrition, and therefore refusing to take the chastisement quietly and kindly, screamed, and yelled, and “ ran along the wires of the cages of the beasts, followed by the keeper.” Lions roared, wolves howled, and hyzenas laughed: when the monkey was caught by a tiger, as Jocko ran by the den, pulled in a trice through the bars; and—with no more ado than a fine lady would swallow a fine oyster—was immediately consigned to the tiger’s maw. Here, at a bolt, was Vourarre’s monster incorporate—the Monkey and the Tiger. Nevertheless, the strangest part of this strange story is to be told. The Monkey-Tiger or a, has become so changed in his countenance that, if he could only be induced to walk upon his hind-legs, and wear a uniform, he would pass in certain circles for a great pract:cal statesman. Already the Monkey-Tiger is known throughout the menagerie as the “ President.’ QUESTION FOR THOSE WHOM IT MAY CONCERN. ( /ONSIDERING the number of our troops, should you cal! the Duxe or WeLimyetow the Commander of the Forces—or of the Weaknesses ? NAVAL APPOINTMENT We are sure everyone will be glad to hear (excepting, perhaps, the Lords of the Admiralty) that | astonished that the St. Step Six Cuances Napiee has been appointed to supply all the rigging for the British Navy. AcToRs FOR THE ManionneTres.—Mx. and Mrs. Woop. really can’t expose my baby, | | ARTIFICIAL FLESH. Aw extraordinary compound has been discovered, which will enrich plastic art with new features. Noses, are made, we under- stand, by Ma. F. Garay, of Cork ’ | Street, out of a mixture of Indian- rubber and gutta percha; which ma- terial so nearly resembles the natural a, both in look and in feel, that it is almost impossible to tell the one from the other. By this invention, of course, science will be enabled to meet such a case as that of the unfor- tunate Royal lady chronicled in the juvenile poem :— “ The Queen was in the garden, Hanging out the clothes, By came a little bird And snapped off her nose!” The Taliacotian operation will be su- perseded, and surgeons will, “ Outdoing Taiacortius, from Caoutchouc and gutta percha gum, Mould supplemental noses—” If this were all, it would be well; but we fear that the discovery of a sub- stance thus closely simulating human flesh will open a door to gross imposi- tion. Artificial hands se with Mr. Gray’s composition may and shaken, as we are vo Bed gee out their factitious nature being dis- covered. Caution will now be neces- sary in receiving the offer of a hand; as there is no knowing what may be palmed off in the shape of one. Hearts as well as hands—such is the progress of science—may come to be le of gutta percha and Indian-rubber before long. To replace a lost feature with the best substitute that can be got, is fair enough ; but what end will there now be to the mending of faces? A person with a snub nose will be con- verting it into an aquiline proboscis by filling (up its convexity with gutta percha and caoutchouc : and thus many of that large class of worthy persons who marry out of admiration for ex- ternals, will be swindled into matri- mony by false pretences. Another, with a small receding forehead, a low flat head altogether, and igneous bristles, will enlarge the upper story in its frontal and coronal regions, and get up a sham development of the organs of the intellect and moral feel- ings, as the phrenologists say, together with a magnificent head of hair, by means of this deceitful stuff and a wig- Fronti nulla fides—a maxim already too true—will be truer than ever. The “ House we live in” will be fraudu- lently stuccoed. Suecedaneous beau- ties of Hottentot Venus were bad enough, but false faces will be worse than the other falsities. The Nobility and Gentry may be expected to patronise the new imi- tation-flesh, not only for the reno- vation and repair of ancient frames, but for the improvement of that breed of calves which is so largely cultivated in flunkeydom. Scents and Sensibility. Tue Parliamentary whi in are ’s Pack don’t run better together, id how very strong the scent lies in the new House. —=—

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Sa*SFPSESEP Pre Se ee “NOT QUITE SUCH A FINE CHILD AS THE LAST !” Fepevary 21, 1852.

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BS AO DS ee Oe oc wre eSeas ate t —aoa—_a ——- = Wie aac

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE GREEN-ROOM AT THE MARIONETTE scenes as the ‘ormers at the Marionettes. unbend and bend in a manner quite collapse takes place, and a literal doubling up of the members of immediate consequence. However different may be the Green-Room of the Marionettes from of other establishments, the puppet actors are very unlike the “lad attached to pm A mee ose The puppets are, hap position, though there are some excellent singers among t nothing like ropiness or wiriness is at all perceptible. a s without apparently trying to put their very best | of the audience. Notwithstanding their shakiness about the legs, we their taking a permanent footing. FOX MAULE AT FAULT. Mr. Puncn presents his compliments to the Prime Minister, and begs. to call his attention to a speeeh made by Mu. Fox Mavuie at Perth. Mn. F, M. denounced the Ballot ; which F. M. has every right to do: but what did F. M. couple with his idea of the worthlessness of the Ballot? Hear him: “ Under the ballot we have seen no a to the rights of property, or to the public authorities of the country ; and under ballot we have seen the press trampled to the ground —gagged in a manner such as if | saw the press gagged im this country, I would blash for the country that gave me birth.” — , bearer (no, nor tail-bearer); would not carry disunion into the cage of any happy family soever; nevertheless, Mr. Punch wishes to know to what or where F. M. alludes? Property—anthority—and the press ! trampled upon and gagged | Gracious so, Fox ought to be goodness! Cam Fox Mavne mean France? If more MavLe than ever ! ON THE COMMITIAL OF AN M.P. TO THE HOUSE OF CORRECTION. Bexo pb, at last, the Chartists’ chosen man, Taking his place among them in the van, And pus forward with a patriot’s zeal— His steps directed to the Common Wheel. *. FRENCH AND ENGLISH PROGRESS. _Ovug progress is “Porren’s Progress of the Nation.” Lovts Napo.gon’s progress may be said to be Deporter’s Progress of the ation. It is said that actors and actresses are a great deal thrown together in the Green- Room; but no dramatic —— can be so thoroughly thrown together behind the e What little stiffness they may exhibit before the audience, disappears behind the curtain, where the Marionette celebrities marvellous. Anyone taking a peep into the Green- Room would suppose that the nerves of the performers, which are literally strung up in the sight of the public, are so thoroughly unstrung when the acting is over, that a ies and gentlemen” ily, not liable to sudden indis- m; anda prima donna, who, though attached to the establishment by ropes and wires, has a sweet voice, in which The Marionettes must be far easier to —* company ; for there’ can be no quarrelling about parts; and though the artists have a rather peculiar walk of their own, they never come upon the foremost, for the amusement Mr. Puach would not, for any mundane advantage, become a tale-| A MODEL ADDRESS TO ELECTORS. GentTLemen,—Her Majesty having dissolved the late Parliament—(at least all that was left of it)— I beg leave to offer myself as your future repre- sentative. My claims (considering the present archi- tectural constitution of the House of Commons) to your suffrages are these: I am above any atmospheric influence, wherever it ef come from. can sit above a gas-lamp and despise it. THEATRE. cold soever. what is flannel. 200,000 for the ventilation of a non-ventilated Houseef Commons, is a wicked waste of public money ; the'Miore especially as it is com- er to any ‘te have his own castle in he air; without ‘Barry. getitlemen, I am bold to ask your suf- frages ; feeling that, ou send me as your representative to the House of Commons,—whatever may be the colds and catarrhs of other gentlemen, I shall always be found (wherever I may sit) to have A Voice t tHe Country. Preparations for War. Great excitement, we understand, has been cre- ated in Paris by the announcement, that Lonp Jonw Russen is ut to fortify the bulwarks of the j the shape of a large number of five-pounders. the troupe is the ines 9 AN ATMOSPHERIC SHAM. Mr. Pounce pr ts his compliments to Mr. THomas CaR.yze, and begs to call his attention to the fact, that the House of Commons is not only al r hard-up for Hexogs, but has now not even a WinnBac to provide it with the means of respiration. the Green-Rooms Tue Newsrarer Duty.—Not to speak the truth when it is likely to prove offensive to a foreign espot.— The Prime Minister of England. have no doubt of THE CORPS OF THE SHOULDER-KNOT. Tue subject of bullets has attracted much attention lately; but none whatever has been paid to powder. There is no dotibt that great advantage would result from the reduetion of the charge with which in so many aristocratic establishments, the male domestics are oblige to prime their locks. It might safel diminished to an infinitesimal quantity; which would be quite sufficient for purposes of duty. No impediment. whatever would be op , in case of necessity, to discharge. The uniform of these household troops ought to be much altered. It is quite as conspicuous as the scarlet of the line; and its motley character is more suitable to clowns than to well-ordered footmex : its varieties of plush, moreover, present so many distinct marks to ridicule. A Nice Man for a Large Party. | Tove Lory Patmenstow may have been snubbed by his former | colleagues, the unprecedentedly long list of illustrious persons present | at his soirée the other night, shows that if he has no considerable party in the country, he can get together a very strong party in town. RAPID PASSAGE. Mr. Mrxe O'Leary (of Burhill Row) started from the 8t. ont Ce, Gee ear 12, and reached the Strand end at preeisely 23 minutes to 1. is is supposed to | rapid passage on record. It is but fair, however, O’LeaRyY was accompanied on the occasion by a ' bull-dogs. | Tam not to be put’down by any amount of any British Constitution with additional defences, in |

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80 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. RATHER SEVERE. “SHALL I ’OLD YOUR ’ORSE, SIR?”

TAILORS’ HERALDRY.—THE FRENCH SENATE. M. pe Casapranca has the dressing of the French Senate. Considering that the | senators will be little other than state | dolls, like dolls they should be as fine as possible. They are to have— “ Palm or olive leaves embroidered in gold on the collar, cuffs, pockets, and breast. The coat isto be bordered everywhere with an ornament of waving lines in gold, which, in the language of this half heraldic art, characterises the highest functions.” Palm or olive leaves are very significant ; the palm for its sustaining fruit—( being even more nutritious to a common- alty than bullets)—and olives for peaceful- ness and durability. For the olive is of slow growth, like the President's free Constitution: whilst of the olive wood SoLomoy carved Ais figures for the Temple. lhe “ waving lines in gold” characterise, it seems, “the highest functions.” We are afraid so; especially at the present day in France. There, we fear, for some time to come, a straight line is not to be thought of.

Bribery and Corruption. Tuey say “the worth of any thing Is just as much as it will bring.” If “ voters at five pounds ” we quote, How much will be the voter’s vote ? We pause for a reply from Mr, EDWARDS. nee Tue Fruits or Usurpation.—For | what fruit does’M. Louis Napotgon’s mouth water ?—Orleans plums.

THE REFORM BILL SPICED.

See Note from a Note of Elegance. This Clause is especially enacted in | Order to place the Voters of Bedlam on a just, political, and social Lorp Joun’s Bill does want character. It seems to have been raised | Equality—in so far as a Right of Franchise is concerned—with all and under—what historian Napier calls—“ the cold shade of the aristo-| every unconfined Lunatic throughout England and Wales. cracy.” Hence, certain clauses are about to be moved by certain Members, by way of an amending zest to the measure. We have been favoured with an exclusive copy of these amendments ; and here the clauses are. Their peculiar character will, we think, reveal the several | : ; authors :— And be it enacted, That every or any Female Subject obnoxious to every or any of the subjoined Misdemeanours, Accidents, or Misfor- tunes, shall be disqualified for Voting for any Member to serve in Parliament : Any British Female Subject unmarried at the Age of Thirty, unless she can give satisfactory proof that “the Question” has never been put by Word of Mouth, by Look, or even by so much asa 7 Squeeze of the Hand. pt Any Strong-Minded British Female Subject who can be proved to have taken it upon herself to say that Woman is the legitimate ; ; Lord of the Creation, and the Creature, Man, a Sham and a Usurper. vilege being merged in the Privilege of her Husband. This Disqualification, however, does not apply to Widows, or to} Women whose Husbands are Abroad ; Abroad, being taken in a | sense applying to and comprehending the Sea, the Colonies, the | Puablic-House or Club-House ; when, upon all such Occasions, | it shall be lawful for all such Widows and al! such Wives, 'in right | of Themselves and dead or absent Husbands, to proceed to the Polling-Booth and give a Plumper. | And be it enacted, That at no future Election for Bedlam, shall | it be lawful for any Person who has heretofore represented any dis- | franchised Borough to be eligible to be returned as Member for | that Hospital. This Enactment is deemed necessary to protect the | Voters from the Influence of Bribery and indiscriminate Treating. | And be it further pe be any Two Patients (for the fitting Representation of the popular Mania, whatever it may be) are from | Time to Time eligible as resentatives, and, when duly elected, may | take their Seat with their Keepers, and on fitting Occasions (to be | ruled by the Speaker) to pair off with other Members. And be it enacted, That every in-door Patient shall be eligible to vote, if capable

| such Individuals being deeme | eligible to represent Exeter Hall. And be it enacted, That any Member of the Company of Drury Lane, Covent Garden, and Astley’s Theatres, is eligible to be returned as Representative ; Eligibility applying equally to yee or Horses ; | tting and proper Depositaries of the | Interests of the British Stage. And be it enacted, That any Two Lay Figures and any Two Royal | Academicians shall be eligible as Representatives of the Royal Academy, | to be voted by Plumpers of R.A.s; and single Votes of A.R.A.s. (No Voice to be permitted to models.)

And be it enacted, That every benighted Foreigner, dwelling upon any Door-Step, or possessing any Street-Crossing, or in any Manner or Way having a Whereabouts within the Bills of Mortality, shall be And it is further enacted, That Person, Male and Female, upon paying One Shilling of the current Coin of the Realm in the Plate at the Door or Doors of the every i Any British Female Subject being married, has no Vote, such | said Exeter Hall, shall be entitled, by Virtue of the Shilling, to Vote for the Foreigner or Alien aforesaid, of any Caste, Creed, or Colour, as it may be. And it is further enacted, ‘That the Beadle shall be Re- | turning Officer of the Hall aforesaid. ee | And be it enacted, That there shall be, from and after the End of the | present Parliament, a Ladies’ Gallery, for the especial Comfort and | Accommodation of the Wives of the Members who may trebly wish to hear the Debates, to bring their Work with them, and to take their Husbands in a straight Line to their domestic Chintz when the House | shall have adjourned. Mr. Punch need scarcely add that this last clause ‘is the offering of a | gallant officer and—bachelor.

Night Charges. At an Hotel :—Two Shillings. At a Station House :—Five Shillings. | | N.B.—If you sleep at the latter, you avoid the fee that is usually | of distinguishing the relative Value of Money; namely, if He or She | given to the Boots and Chambermaid, and have nothing to pay for | ' can immediately detect Ten Sovereigns from Ten Sixpences, or a Bank wax candles.—Our Fast Young Man.

E Sen —e = “ao e8f FF @ or rw se rf - <3 ow «a @ | —-«

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oe BASES THE POETICAL COOKERY BOOK. —e— BROILED BEEF-STEAK. Arm— The Maid of Llangolien.” Txoven humble the dish, or I should say the plate, I hear without envy of banquets of state ; Contented and proud on | table to see A Beef-steak and onions all ready for me. My meat from the butcher I cheerfully take, At morn, when in excellent cut is the Steak ; Then I go to a shop, where an onion | see, And ask them to put it in paper for me. My nei ees oetes! eee ys 1’ll be But cannot make him so And prouder than even the 4 When I’ve cooked my Ssteak in the way you shall see. Till the gridiron*s hot, I will patiently wait, Then rub it with suet; till y its state ; Al! smokeless and clear ‘my coal fire be Then I’ll put on the Steskethat’s intended for me. When a delicate-brown'lt’s ing to take, ’Tis the critical’moment for tarni Steak ; And when on theother side brown'd it shall be, I'l have # hot dish waiting ready for me. Of Dorset’s ticly butter, a piece standing by Shall ish a'slice*twixt the rg to lie ; Then with most thoroughly dredged it shall be, Till the Staak be sufficently season’d for me. Though thoroughly d, for my Steak I must wait, As at present but ially cook’d 4 its state, And pat on the fire, again it must be, Ere ’tis done to the*nicety relish’d by me. My onion I now fron its paper bag take, And slieeit and fry it, to serve with my Steak; And sit downs as hungry can be To the Beef&eteake onions all smoking for me. ROMAN CANDLES IN HAMPSHIRE. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. We extract the following joke from the Winchester intelligence of the Hampshire Independent :— “New Liesats ow THe Patna to Roue.—The large candles which the Rev. J. | Keace, of Hursley, keeps burning on the altar of the Parish Chureh during Morning | Service. Perhaps the Bisnor or Wincuxster will look in to be enlightened on the subject some Sunday morning.” Since however, our Southampton contemporary and conjoculator publishes this statement as a piece of actual news, and considering that i there is nothing to hinder the truth from being told in fun, as Horace implies, and somebody else, who tor modesty’s sake shall be nameless, | exemplifies ; we suppose the thing stated is put forward as matter of | fact. Nevertheless, taking thefact for granted, we cannot take it quite t because it suggests some conceptions which are somewhat their clergyman's fireworks ; herein, doubtless, these honest countrymen yaague be they there canduls vor?” The imutility and extray of mg daylight must be even more obvious to the swains of this Hampshire Tempe than to the more cultivated, but, | especially on fi days, less tened inhabitants of Pimlico. We) would recommend Mr. Kes; if he is in such a state of mind as to have | lights in his church of a morning—in order that the unnecessary illumi- | nation may do good to one, at least, of his parishioners—to sh sim his candie-snuffer. Such a functionary w a suitable to i church-theatricals. We dare say a 81 should venture to exert authority in a diocese legitimately “governed” by AncusisHor WiseMay, or one of his suffragans. - : On the supposition that the reverend gentleman really pins his faith and practice to the mould of medieval superstition, whilst holding | preferment in the English Church; it would be advisable for him to take due care that his candles are composite, in order that they may corres to the pinchbeck Popery which Puseyism may be defined to be. It is, we believe, a custom, more or less general, in the Romish Chureh, to put skuils upon the altar on the 2nd of November. Let the pastor of Hursley feed his flock with turnips instead of skulls. Let him burn his candles in turnip-lanterns; not however, on the 2nd of November, but on the 5th; and instead of sticking them up in the Church, let him place them in the churchyard. PARLIAMENTARY ARRANGEMENTS. Tue famous “ Rump Parliament ” will have arival in celebrity, and | partly in mame, in the present House of Commons, which, im comm | quence of its ¢ debate on the subject of dining, will go down terity as the Rump-Steak Parliament. he Arms of the Sergeant-at-Arms will henceforth be a knife and ork. _ The Table of the House will be supplied with al! the delicacies of the Session. Bills of Fare will take precedence of all other Motions. Mg shortly to publish biographies of the leading Members, with p > to f Tue Spzakern or tue New House or (ANYTHING BUT SHORT) Commons (Cries of Oh! Oh!), A Pious Fraud. A Corresroypest writes to complain of the French authorities int the having seized a mince-pie he had despatched to his children in a copy The quite of Punch. We do not sympathise with the sender, who deserved to | lose his pie for having made our publication the medium for containing provincial proper person could be found to fill the office. In almost every parish | any matters at all there is a simpleton: where the parson is a Puseyite, there are usually two. _ We don’t say that Mz. Kestz is a Puseyite—unless he burns matu-| ‘imal candles. But if he does patronise the tallow-chandler in that, superfluous manner—why, he affects a Popish fashion. Now—we;| would speak to a Puseyite as to an old lady—is not Popery improper? Will you—a res gentlewoman — adopt a fashion strikingly peculiar to those whom you regard as ates poorest If, in your | opinion, P are not such, follow their ions altogether; be| cochineal all over: don’t burn Ricnarp Sumwze too, if, as THE BREEZE IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS. entilation, We are sorry to ive that the difference between Mu. Barry and Ma. Ru about ventilation, has exchange of blows actually amounted to an THE BAR MILITANT. Tue lawyers are about to form themselves into a rifle corps, for candies only, but burn Mz: Cuarzes| which they are well fitted by their peculiar practice, and their quickness the Hampshire Independent suggests, he! in discovering the objects t ‘ are worth powder and shot

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sociation” has concocted a petition to Parliament for the re of the Ecclesias- tical Titles Bill. In this document the petitioners state that the assumption of their bishops to enable those prelates to perform, within their respective districts, certain functions, whereon the future welfare of their followers depends. In o: her words, that CarpinaL WiseMman’s inability to call himself ARCHBISHOP OF Westminster will hinder the mercy of Heaven from extending to TERENCE O'Rourke. And so they plead :— “ Bat, inasmuch as the claiming and exercise of such jurisdiction is forbidden by the statute already named, the bishops of the Catholic Church have been reduced by the said statute to the painful necessity of either systematically violating the law, or else of refusing to their flocks those offices which are necessary to their salvation.” September, 1850? Why cannot their ecclesiastical rulers return to their old ition as Vicars Apostolic—let the word be “As you were?” Oh! it will be replied, his Horiwess can’t alter his arrange- his regulations to the laws of En land, or the laws of England are to be adapted to the ordinances of the Pore or Rome? We shall see. SHAKSPEARKEAN READINGS. “Mr. Puncn, “ Reapines from SaaksPeare have become very fashionable. cause of this. Boor.e says it’s late ers—Mountsoy says it’s the ‘slowness of the thing altogether’—and my friend, the Rev. Mr. bosoms of large evening , that ‘the drama, as a successful national entertainment, is altogether incompatible—so to speak—with our advanced condition of civilisation. ‘The drama,’ says the Rev. Mr. H. H., ‘to have a chance, must be exported to the colonies.’ It might, Mr. Puach, do something among the Kaflirs; though [ have seen actors that even a New der wouldn’t swallow. But the present letter touches upon another matter. “ We have recently had amew Hamlet. I have not seen him: nobody has; but I was mightily interested by a certain new—quite bran-new -reading of his, reported in the papers. Instead of making Hamlet ; say— ’ “* When the wind is southerly, I know a hawk from a hernshaw our Hamlet split the last word into two; a hern, and a ‘pshaw:’ giving us a bird and an exclamation of contempt. This, Sir, is very ingenious ; and marks the courage of an inquiring mind. But allow me to give my reading—(for I once acted in barracks). It is this: “*T know a hawk from a bashaw.’ “You see a hawk is a bird with a single tail; now a Bashaw | divine Swan of Avon is, no doubt, to mark the subtlety of the assumed madness of Hamlet by making him distinguish between the bird and the biped : “* T know a hawk from a bash-aw, with the accent, if you please, on the first syllable. “Yours, A Late Burr.” A Dreadful Stress of Wind. No less a sum than £200,000 has been spent by Messrs. Rerp and Barry in ventilating the Houses of Parliament! After all, we think these two gentlemen are entitled to some degree of credit for having been able, with all their defective knowledge of ventilation, to raise the wind to such a high degree. Goop Name ror a New Pitu.—The Oldest [nhabitant’s Pill. ments. The question, then, is, whether the Pore or Rome is to adapt | Jocal titles is necessary to How were the spiritual needs of the Roman Catholics supplied fore Somehow the town has crowded to hear plays read by individuals, | leaving companies of actors to play to one another. I will not seek the | Hanxoip Heneist, declares, in a manner that carries conviction to the | is a Turk with one, two, or three tails; and the meaning of the) ‘that his government may be called Co(a)terie of Despotism. | 82 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL | THE POPE OF ROME v. THE QUEEN. A DAMP FOR OUR NATIONAL PRIDE. | alts Ir is all very well to say that Brrrawnia rules the seas; but, how- UR informant tells us that | ever great her domain over the salt water, her power over the fresh is the “Catholic Defence As- extremely limited, as may be seen by the following announcement :— “The Britannia unmoored, and made everything ready for sailing, when it was discovered that she was short of water, and signal was made to the Victory, ‘ Require 90 tons of water.” Poor Barrawnia must be in a bad way when she has so little control over the water, that she is obliged to depend on the pumps at the Admiralty for a proper supply of it. N Mx Sy \ \ WY SSS Ss Mrs. Smith. “Is Mas. Brown mv?” Jane. “No, Mem, suz’s not at Home.” Little Girl. “Ow! what « Horam Srory, Jamz! Man’s mm Tue Kitcuenx, weLpinc Coox!” | | | Not Much to be Wondered at. CoNSIDERABLE excitement, we understand, prevailed among the Parisian gobemouches the other day, in consequence of the sudden | circulation of a rumour that a Republic proclaimed in the | English Capital. On inquiry, however, it turned out that the re had emanated in that of the Great Mutton-Chop Debate, with which | the Session was inaugurated, and from which it was not unnaturally | inferred that we had succeeded in establishing a Provision-al Govera- | ment. Se cee | EPISCOPAL MUMMY. Tse Bishop found in the wall of old St. Stephen’s erypt was in good preservation. The Tractarians may consider whether he would not do over again? Perhaps, could they enjoy a real congé d élire, they would recommend him for Exeter, if they should ever have the mis- fortune to want another occupant of that see than Dr. Puitrorrs. Dreadful Catastrophe in High Life. Last week, a young lady, the daughter of a Marquess, gave herself caused equal away in marriage to a—Clergyman! The event has sympathy and consternation in the best society. CrLoru or tae Coarsest Nap.—Lovis Napotzon seems to attach so much importance to the coats of his senatorial and other lacqueys, Printed by William Bradbury, ot Ne. 13, Upper Wovers Office in Lombard Street, ‘a the Preeinet Place, im the Parish of St. Pancras, and Frederick Mullett ef Whitefriars, in the City of London. and Published by them at No, %, Fleet Brana, of No.7, Chures Bow, Stoke Rowtngesn, beth Se theGuaney of EnAiinges, Betsenn, cone Street. im the Pariah of St. Bride's m the City of t, February 2is«, 1952. other’ inforn of de ohlige him a With and ct Havir most | excite The the pr The acted He th Magis compl “T anova that ¢ the pc His detler assaul that t) defenc confin Hor joleing beak v-

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PUNCH. OR THE

POLICE INTELLIGENCE. A CONSTABLE A LA FRANC AISE. Beak Street. — Yesterday, a man named Prerer Hopkins was brought before the Magis- trate, charged with having used abusive language towards a policeman, and having assaulted and beaten him in the execu- tion of his duty. SNEEK, a po- lice constable of the Z division, | whose nose was much swollen, and bovh eyes blackened, | stated that he | , was on duty) , last night near} e House of Commons. The prisoner had stationed himself at the | entrance of the House, and was watehing the Members go in. He) stepped up to him and asked bim what he thought of Lory Jouw {vsseLL, to which question he (the prisoner) returned an evasive answer. He then inquired the pri sopinion about the new Keform Bull, to which the prisoner replied that it was better than nothing, but ve consitered it Ought to have gone farther. Witness then expressed a wish to know what view the prisoner took of the ballot and the other five points of the Charter, whereupon he (the prisoner), without any | provocation, asked, with an oath, what that was to him? and told him | that he believed he (witness) was a (using a strong expression) spy, and | otherwise misealled and vilified him in very violent language. On| informing him that such conversation would not do, the prisoner, instead | of desisting, only became more abusive, till at last he (witness) was | obliged to take him into custody, when the prisoner instantly struck hima severe blow on the root of the nose, which nearly felled him. | With the assistance of six other policemen, the prisoner was secured, | and conveyed to the station-house, kicking and struggling all the way. Having been locked up in the cell, he harangued the inmates im the | most incendiary terms, calculated to bring the police into odium, and excite d'saffection against the Government. The MaGisTRATE asked what was the policeman’s object in accosting the prisoner ? The policeman said he suspected him of being a Chartist, and had acted according to instructions which had been addressed to the police. He then handed tothe Bench a portion of a newspaper, from which the Magistrate read the following passage, which had been marked by the | complainant as prescribing to the police, among other duties, | “To sound the feelings of the masses on the political or economical | imnovations brought forward for discussion or study ; to watch over all that concerns the public health, and the moral and material welfare of the population.” His Woasurpe asked the policeman how it was he did not know better than to take his instructions from a newspaper? ‘The passage, as he would have seen if he had attended to the heading at the top of the column, referred to the French police, not the English, and was part of a cireular of directions addressed by the Minister of Police in France, under Prince Louis Napoteoy, to the Inspectors General. I'he prisoner said it was a rascally shame of Mr. Bowararre to} establish such a detestable system of espionage. [he worthy Magistrate told him be must not use such language as that. It was highly dangerous, and calculated to cause a breach of the | peace between the two countries, Whatever the prisoner might think of the President of France, or any of the acts of that ruler, he should keep his opinions to himself, unless he could utter them witheus| giving offence. He hoped he would in future see the wisdom and propriety of this course, which had been recommended by Her Masesty’s Ministers and the Houses of Parliament. lhe prisoner said he should not have hit the policeman if the latter had not taken him by the collar. The Magistrate said, that as the policeman had mistaken his duty, te had no warrant for apprehending the prisoner, and the charge of assault could not be sustas He should dismiss the case, trusting that the constable wou/d in future exercise more discretion, and that the defendant would, especially in alluding to Paisce Lovis NaPo.zon, confine himself to more ministerial and parliamentary language.

FATAL CHIMES. LONDON CHARIVART

A WELSH ECHO. A Corresporpent of the Morning Post, who signs himself Tarry, | after complaining that Brecon is not included among the boroughs of which the boundaries are to be enlarged, demands “ Why is the rising Town of Crickhowell not added to Brecon?” To which question, writes Tarry— “ Echo answers—because it is eminently Conservative.” Echo, in England, generally contents herself with repeating what is | said to her. We were not aware of her pursuing a different course in | any other country Treland; but now it appears that the Irish Echo is matehed by the Welsh. Probably Tarry’s Echo, if asked what | it would like for supper, would reply, “Toasted Cheese.” THE LITTLE POLITICIAN. “Now, tell me, Papa, why you say I must be Such a very rich man to become an M. P.?” “Oh! first, you have so much to pay for your votes— It may be, some two or three thousand pound notes. But you mustn’t say that; because no Member knows— At least, is supposed to know—how the cash goes. Then, when you ’re return’d, you ’re obliged, at most places, A cup to be run for, to give at the races. Coals and blankets at Christmas are also expected By the poor of the borough with which you ’re connected, To new schools and churciies, too, you must subseribe ; Get places for voters—in short, you must bribe: Though, no matter how conscience your bosom may sting, You ’re eall’d on to swear that you Ve done no such thing.” * Dear me, Papa! what you say seems very funny; If to get into Parliament costs so much money, I suppose that the Member is somehow repaid ; If not, I would rather choose some other trade.” & . {|} \| ‘ti a i) te \| | ‘ WT Mh i ENTHUSIASTIC ARTIST IS QUITE PREPARED FOR THE FRENCH INVASION. OUR

Plea for the Queen's English. Ir seems to be the desire of our leading statesmen that the Press should on all occasions use parliamentary Janguage. For the continued reputation of English literature, we hope journalists will do no such thing.

Wuat Lorp Naas took sy wis Morion.—The response of the

How precarious is political existence! The St. Alban’s voters, re- jolcing in the music of Beit metal, little thought it would turn out i be a knell, House of Commons to the Naas-ty attempt to damage the or CLarewpon was—Pooh-pooh !

VOU. XXIT.

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= one =a i 64 PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. _ TT . ; WY Ny ‘al I} ‘| / HORRIBLE SUSPICION IN HIGH LIFE.—SCENE, BELGRAVIA. Finst Aristocratic Botcuer-noy. “ Hullo, Bill! Don’t mean to say Yer’ve come down to a Pony ?,” Secoyp Dirto Dirto. “ Not dezactly / Our Cart is only gone a-paintin’ .” A SMASH FOR A SUBURB. Reaper, did you ever send your wife, or go yourself, to Mitcham ? Kverybody bas heard of the place, but no one we ever met with has been to it. There are half-a-dozen railways professing to go to it, and putting down ‘passengers at the nearest station, which is two miles away from it. Every road out of town leads to Mitcham; but Mitcham leads to nothing. You may go to it over any one of the ten bridges, and you’ll get to it just as soon by one as by the other. Nearly all the houses in Mitcham are to let, and there is nobody to show them, though keys, which will not open the doors, may be had at all the house-agents’. Some of the houses that are to !et have rooms | detached on the other side of the way, and gardens, a long way off, | with another house—to be let by itself—in the midst of them. The omni- | buses to Mitcham have eighteen-pence written inside as the fare, which is in reality one shilling; and the driver and conductor will often | quarrel with each other when a er asks what he is to pay, when it becomes optional with the latter to pay what he pleases. The man at the booking-office demands eighteen-pence as the fare, and when told of somehody having been charged the lesser sum, he is always very indignant with the proprietors and everybody else for “not letting him know, as it makes him look as if he wanted to cheat people;” and, indeed, appearances are not always in his favour. Mitcham has a quantity of inns, with a large collection of all sorts | of heads and arms on their sign-boards. There are several libraries, at | one of which the word “ Newspapers” is written up in large letters; but if | you go in and ask for one, you are stared at, and a child calls “Mother!” who emerges from an inner apartment, wiping her hands, and exclaiming, “ We never have any newspapers.” Thereare several post-offices, but when we went to pest a letter at about six, we were told that the post left at five; that it had just gone, though the clock of the establishment stood at four: and we were further informed that there would be an express at seven, which being an additional post for extraordinary despatch, would sleep for the night at Streatham. On our requestin to be furnished with a few pennyworths of postage stamps, the offici intimated that there was one we might possibly have, if the person who | bespoke it did not call for it. In justice to the Mitcham branch of our | great postal establishment, we ought to add that our inquiry was made | at what was perhaps only the receiving house of the village, where a mother and child were en in the divided duty of attending to post-office inquiries and selling cheap valentines. f We throw out these observations in a spirit of kindness towards a ee upon which we were thrown in the course of a day’s fishing— or a dinner, MAMMAS AND MILITIAMEN, Hear a fond Mamma appealing :— Must my Vincent go to drill ? If ye have a spark of feeling. Stop that dreadful horrid Bill! Shall poor Vincy march together With—oh, Goodness knows who with !— Cobblers, smelling all of leather— Tinker—tailor—coppersmith ? Comrades fitter for his station | Grant, oh! grant him, [ implore ; Could he not defend the nation In a decent rifle corps ? a | No One is Safe. As if the temptations for robbery were not already quite sufficient, we see some Mepuistornives of an individual, who evidently has been | studying the weakness of human nature with the view of turning it to large profit, has been inventing a Pocket Umbrella / “IMPOSSIBLE, SIR? THAT’S NO REASON, SIR.” CotonzL Duwwe (need we say a respected Irish Member °) demanded last week certain Parliamentary information ; and the Honourable and | exigeant Member added, “the reasons for not giving any of the above information when it is found impracticable to do so.” Maxt™ or Naporzon (tue Lrrrie).—In political discussions there is nothing like coming to the (bayonet’s) point. a —

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THE RIVALS; OR, A MILITARY POSITION. Fesnuary 28, 1852

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Page 103

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART | THE NEW LAW OF THE FRENCH PRESS, RT 1. No journal or periodical pub- = lication relating to anything or| anybody, or relating anything to| anybody, can be st without | a condition, enough to make any-| one start; namely, the consent of | the Government. Such consent will only be given to a French subject, | in the enjoyment of civil and politi- | cal rights; but as there are no| civil or political rights in France, a few of those who “enjoy” the system of civil and political wrongs will be allowed to set up a journal. Whenever any change takes place in the administration of the journal, | the Government sanction will be required ; and the printer must no’ change his “devil,” unless it be for one of the “ devils” in league | with, and approved by, the Govern- ment. Art.2. As the truth, though | suppressed in France, may circulate | or come round through a foreign | journal, none will be permitted to | enter that country unless authorised | —which may inelude the selection and payment of authors—by the Government. Any one introducing a foreign journal not thus authorised, and any traveller having amongst hia luggage any article wrapped up in an old newspaper, shall be punished by imprisonment, of from one month to one year, and a fine of from one hundred francs to five thousand. Art. 3. The proprietors of any journal, treating of political matters, or social economy, will, by way of preliminary treat, pay into the treasury, in cash, a sum, which, unlike the contents of his paper, will be | allowed to bear some small interest. ; ; Art. 4 As no paper, such as the Government will permit, can possibly pay after it has been commenced, it will be required to pay before it appears. If published without the caution-money having been paid in full, a fine of not more than 2000 francs, with imprisonment of not more than two years, in respect of each number published, will be imposed on printer and publisher. A paper reaching forty numbers, under these atrocious circumstances, will subject the miscreants, who print and publish, to eighty years’ imprisonment. | Art. 5. Journals and periodical publications will henceforth bear the | various stamps of oppression, despotism, and servility, in respect of | which a duty of six centimes will be payable. This duty will be col- lected, with the understanding that the journals owe all their duty to the Government. Art. 6. Foreign journals will be liable to the French stamp; but no English journal, of any respectable stamp, will submit to any other stamp abroad than the stamp of independence. Art. 7. Postage-rates, on the transport of newspapers, will be re- imposed; as the Government cares more about the facility of trans- porting the editors, writers, publishers, and printers, than about the convenience of transporting the journals. Art. 8. As the Legislative Body is intended to consist ‘of a collec-| tion of nobodies, their proceedings can be of importance to nobody, and the publication of them will be punished by a fine of from 1000 to 5000 franes. Ant. 9. It is forbidden to the press to publish the report of its own trials; so that whatever trials it has to endure, it must bear and say nothing. The journals will, however, be permitted to write freely one sentence — namely, the sentence pronounced against any one of themselves. Ant. 10. Every journal shall be bound to insert, free of charge, every advertisement of the Government; and the puff and paragraph principle will be rigidly enforced, except that there will be no paid puffs and no paid paragraphs. Art. 1L. In no ease shall evidence be allowed of the truth of a complaint against the Government appearing in any journal, as the truth would be dangerous to the existing power. Art. 12. As the previous articles may not be sufficiently strong, the power of suppressing, when he likes, and as often as he likes, any journal he likes, or does not like, will be exercised by the President. In the name of the French nation. Done by Louis Naro.zon. X. pe CasaBIanca, Minister of State, in the present state of the Ministry. THE POETICAL COOKERY BOOK. —~o— BOILED CHICKEN. Arn—* Norah Oreina.” Lessa hath a fowl to cook ; But, being anxious not to spoil it, Searches anxiously our ’ For how to roast, and how_to boil it. Sweet it is to dine upon— uite alone, when small its size is ;— , when cleverly ’tis done, Its delicacy quite surprises. Oh! my tender pullet dear ! My boiled—not roasted—tender Chicken ! I can wish P No other dish, With thee supplied, my tender Chicken ! Lessra, take some water cold, And having on the fire placed it, Add some butter, and be bold— When ’tis hot enough-—to taste it. Oh! the Chicken meant for me Boil before the fire ws dimmer ; Twenty minutes let it be In the saucepan left to simmer. Oh, my tender Chicken dear ! My boil’d, delicious, tender Chicken! Rub the breast . (To give a zest) : With lemon-juice, my tender Chicken. Lessta hath with sauce combined Broccoli white, without a tarnish ; "Tis hard to tell if ’tis design’d For vegetable or for garnish. Pillow’d on a butter’d dish, My Chicken temptingly reposes, Making gourmands for it wish, Should the savour reach their noses. Oh, my tender pullet dear! My boiled—not roasted—tender Chicken ! Day or night, Thy meal is light, For supper, e’en, my tender Chicken. Louis Napoleon's Next. ConsrpentG that printing is a dangerous art, and liable to be greatly abused, The Presipent or toe Repustic decrees the seizure and appro- priation to the Government of all Presses except those necessary for the manufacture of wine and cheese, TRUE SONS OF GUNS, Some of the spirited young men “ liable to be drawn for the Militia,” at the supposition that they will be anxious to shirk it, are angry v They say they have no right to have their courage in any way chal- lenged, and that to call them out is the best way to give them satisfaction. Latest Intelligence Up to Saturday Night. We've the Whigs out at last—some say not without trickery ; My Lorp Joun has resigned, and we’ve got rid of Cuiconmy. Geoney Grey and Loxp Ditro are both in like case, And I wonder what Sticks we shall have in their place. GREAT LOVE FOR THEIR NATIVE LAND. Iv a landlord means a lord who has always remained upon land, then the Lords of the Admiralty are three of the greatest Land-lords this country can boast of, for not one of them, we believe, has ever been further out to sea than Chel—sea, Cowriscation ov THE Onveans Paorenty.—A “Little Bird” tells us, that this act of spoliation is called at Paris—“ Le Premier Vol de |’ Aigle\” i Tue CurLrenw Huwpreps.— When a member is sick of Parliament, he always calls out for the “ Steward !”

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ee ome 33. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL “I a . A SLIDE ON THE PAVEMENT.—UPSET OF A “STATESMAN!” PENALTIES. to Law, the certainty of losing your su't, and having to pay for it. The Penalty of mar- rying, is a Mother-in- | law. The Penalty of re- | maining single, is| having no one who} “cares a button” for | you, as is abundantly | proved by the state of your shirts, The Penalty of thin ' . shoes, is a cold, The Penalty of a pretty cook, is an empty larder. The Penalty of stopping in Paris, is being shot. The Penalty of tight boots, is corns. = vies The Penalty of having a haunch of venison sent to you, is inviting a dozen friends to come and eat it. Che Penalty of popularity, is envy. The Penalty of a baby, is sleepless nights. The Penalty of interfering between man and wife, is abuse, frequently accompanied with blows, from both. The Penalty of a Godfather, is a silver knife, fork, and spoon. The Penalty of kissing a baby, is half-a-crown (five shillings, if you | are liberal) to the nurse. The Penalty of a public dinner, is bad wine. ‘The Penalty of a legacy, or a fortune, is the sudden discovery of a host of poor relations you never dreamt of, and of a number of debts you had quite forgotten. The Penalty of lending, is—with a book or an umbrella, the certain loss of it; with your name to a bill, the sure payment of it; and with a uorse, the lamest chance of ever seeing it back again sound. THE ENFRANCHISEMENT OF PLUSH. A xumenovs, if not important, meeting of the Livery, inelading | 24 SHE Penalty of buying | cheap clothes, is the | most of the footmen in situations under the Government and Legis- same as that of going lature, assembled last night at the Coach and Horses, to discuss the | provisions of the Reform Bill now before their masters. The £5 clause was unanimously condemned as low; but some doubt was expressed | whether that allowing a vote to payers of 40s. in the way of direct of the perfectly free and decidedly independent gent! whose salaries might not be quite lable to income-tax. My Lorp Duke said he believed that payment of taxes to that am unt | would qualify: did anybody know what assessed taxes was? This question having been settled by reference to an almanack, it was agreed, on the motion of Sin Harry, to appoint a deputation to wait on the Premier, and solicit him to reduce the 40s. franchise to the figure of the powder-tax, which, by an easy arrangement with regard to salary, might be charged on the individual wearer; thus conferring a voice in the representation on any gentleman connected with a respectable family. ‘The Kart suggested that if Ministers would not consent to so very ess a reduction, perhaps they might be prevailed upon to come down to the united amount of the powder-tax and the duty on armorial bearings: and then any gentleman of the service could partici in | the privileges of a Briton, by wearing a ring or a watch, and having his | own crest engraved on the seals. Fellows to Haynau. J. W., in a letter to the Zimes, states that in the prison at Nether Knutsford, Cheshire, there is a pretty, intelligent-looking little boy, only seven years old, committed by sentence of some magistrate or magistrates, for stealing a mug, with a sentence of solitary confinement under the Pentonville system for three months, and at the expiration of that term ¢o be well flogged. If the magistrate or magistrates alluded to will forward their names to Punch, Mr. Punch will use all his influence to procure them an order to see the brewery of Messrs. Banctay aND PERKINS. A Birt or Stirr.—The Soldier's Stock is the worst of investments. | taxation, would not fix the qualification so high as to exelude many | present, | }

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i Mie, i a (Cle oS 4 a: | — SN ih Il Hit “Ry ‘a } UK ty ; My Mi IS “i le “ eee. reo epentine Jae es a Paes ete ee a aaa a oes on seh Shan te A CHANCELLOR IN CHANCERY. Fesrvary 28, 1852.

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| Scenz 8.—Mr. Baker, having a week's holiday, yy yy Irritable Elderly Gentleman (who is one of those

PUNCH. OR THE, LONDON CHARIVARL

_ Mr. Baker (sotto voce). That infernal dog! Irritable Elderly Gentleman. Er, you net out !—{makes wild stabs | at him with his umbreiia). There, Sir! (4o Mr. AKER)—Do you see that, Sir? (pointing to his boots)—all your nasty dirty beast of a dog, Sir. do you mean to take notice of this language, Sir, or not ? ”. Baker, \t’s not us he’s abusing, my dear, it’s the dog: and I must say— |impunity! Of course—Oh, the horrid old man! He'll kill my dog! (IaerTaBLe Evpercy GentLeman, baffled in his attempts on SCaMP’s life by the agility of the Pet, is reduced to shaking his umbrella at him impotently, and calling him bad names. Mr. Baker. Stop—I must get the tickets—you see to the lu ; Mas. Baker Jeaves the luggage to take care of itself, and devotes her energies to the protection of Scam from the infuriated Old Gentleman ; at last she succeeds, and concealing the Pet beneath her shawl, hurries on to the platform, where she is rejoined, by Ma. Baker, . . — . > . . ‘interior of a 3 carriage, with the train in motion, one of Seat mri ey i . ‘ortune reserve: pleasure exoursionis(s Awful Contortion of the Face produced by the constant Use of Mr. and Mas. ai and the penoed Eiasae Gente. an Eye-glass. MAN find themselves occupants of the same carriage. — —<———————— SS =| Mr. Baker (aside to Mus. Baxen, confidentially). You my dear, the sort of thing you will always be exposed to, if you travel with that MRS. BAKER’S PET. dog of yours. Mrs, Baker. Now—Mr. Baker! as if it was I who gave the poor THE PET ON AN EXCURSION. thing such an affectionate heart—that it must follow the omnibus all the way from Notting Hill!

Mrs. Baker a pleasure excursion to the Isie of Wight, : co . . 7 gradually becoming hardened in the matter of the Pet, who ia still, — hit upon a raw, insists om irritating it.) Yes, Sir—there ought o be a law, Sir, that people carrying those nasty dirty dogs about with however, generally kept out of his way by Mrs. Baken. Ma. and them euakt to ositie the treadmill, —_. — are Preis oll to the Waterloo Station, in the omnibus, Mr. Baker. Ouse for ed tell oa— it wasn’t my fault if my vapenaeeeass y wife’s dog jum into the omni irtied your ts. ber ~ Elderly | cre (at the door), Any room, Conductor ? (Scame’s fail saddenly ly protrudes from under Mus. Baker's shawl, Conductor. Jump in, Sir. wagging violently. The misguided Old Gentleman is coazed on to the step, lugged\ Irritable Kiderly Gentleman (perceiving it). There, Sir! and I suppose into ~ rs 6 ryt ge Voted, jostled, thrust, “ue and \ you Lad ae tell - hey your fault if your wife brings her infernal precipitated into the uncomfortable cross seat at the extremity | nasty dog into a first-class carriage, Sir ? of the "bus, where Ma. Baker is his neighbour on one side and| Mr. Baker (calmly). Certainly | should, Sir; for I’m’ sure my wife

Mrs. Baker on the other. wouldn’t do anything half so rude or silly. Irritable Elderiy Gentleman (to Mr, Baxer). Sir, your knees are in| Mrs. Baker (consciously and humbly), Oh, my dear, I had taken him my breeches pocket. lup, to keep him out of the way of this gentleman, and then the bell (In the rattle of the’bus the words are indistinctly heard ; but there\ rang, and you hurried me off to the train, and | hadn’t time to put is a general impression that the ExpERLY GENTLEMAN 4as| him down, and— Sound Mx. Baxer’s hand in his pocket. Mr. Baker. You don’t mean to say you have got him in here? Nervous Female (with baby and basket), Oh, gracious! a pickpocket | {Scamp announces his presence and his want of air by a succession | inthe ’’bus! Stop! Conductor! | of whines and uneasy movements, and availing himself of (4 general uneasiness is produced by everybody's simultaneous effort | ns. Baker’s momentary confusion at the discovery, escapes to get his or her hand into his or her pocket, to see uf his or her | trom her arms, and proceeds to execute a series of gambols over money is safe. and about the legs of the \narvraBLe Ecperty Gentleman. Mr. Baker (to (xnitaBie Erperty Gentieman). How dare you, Sir,| Irritable Elderly Gentleman (taking deadly aim at Scamp with his charge me with anything of the kind, Sir? | boots, while he apostrophises Ma. and Mas. Baker). Er—you brute! Irritable Elderly Gentleman, 1 didn’t—it’s these asses of passengers|A pretty thing, indeed!—beast! First-class carriage! Kr !— —I said “ your knee.” Ex to this sort of thing!—you ought to be ashamed of your- The passengers are not at all sure that Mr. Baxur is what he ought seit, Sir. It’s illegal. Confound the nasty animal! Yah—(e launches to be ; but, as no purse is found missing, the matter drops, and\a terrible kick at Scamy, which missing him, meets the innocent shin of Mr. Baxer is left to devour his wrath silently. Mr. Baker). , Irritable Elderly Gentleman (to Mus. Baker). If you could, conve-| Mr. Baker (howling with pain). What do you mean by that, Sir? niently, take a little of your weight off my shoulders, Ma’am ? | Irritable kiderly Gentleman. \t was meant for your infernal dog, Mr. Baker, Sir! the lady is as much inconvenienced by the crowding | Sir. Serves you right, Sir. [’m glad it hit you. as you are. | Mr. Baker. You're an ill-bred old ruffian, Sir. rritable Elderly Gentleman. I and the lady are the best judges of| Irritable Elderly Gentleman. Pooh, Sir !—(snaps his fingers). that, Sir. Perhaps you ’d better let her speak for herself. Mrs. Baker (in dread of the imminent collision), Ob, my dear !—oh, Mr. Baker. The \ady is my wife, Sir! Sir !—Pray—I’m very sorry— ; Irritable Elderly Gentleman. 1s she, Sir? (Between his teeth.) Can’t| Irritable Elderly Gentleman. Don't talk to me, Ma’am! It’s against say much for your taste, Sir. (Sharply oMn. Baxen.) You’re treading | the bye-laws, Ma'am! You're liable to forty shillings fine. And as sure | on my boots, Sir! as my name’s Gaow ey, I'll inform against you, Sir, at the next (N.B.—Bright boots are this generally sore Old Gentleman’s sorest station, and have you taken into custody, Sir. And here we are at the point, Claremont and Esher Station, Sir. (The train stops. Mrs. Baker (¢o Tamitaste Ecperty Gextiemay). I think, Sir, in a| [The ImntraBLe Ecper.y GentLeman rushes out in a state of fury, public vehicle, a little mutual accommodation— followed by the equally furious Ma. Bakwn, the joyous Scamp, Irritable Elderly Gentleman. Well, Ma'am, L’ve accommodated you | and the agonised and conscience-stricken Mus. BAKER. with a pillow all the way, and you might have accommodated me with| Irritable Elderly Gentleman. Hollo—hoy (40 Railway Policeman)—

a little more room for my legs, Ma’am. But, thank goodness, here we| Catch that dog. I’ve a complaint—where’s the station-master ?— are |—(the ’bus pulls up). Under the Golep—h ’s a dog—(the Railway Policeman, No. \, has Conductor (opening the door). Wart—\oo—stash’ n | caught Scamv.)—Here, I give this man into custody. ds the door opens, the faithful Scamp—who has followed the’ bus (Railway Policeman, No. 2, collars Mu. Baxun. Mrs. Baker (appealing to Me. Baker's self-respect). Mn. Baken, | sons who, |

| Mrs, Baker (contemptuously), Oh ' of course, J am to be insulted with

all the way from Bayswater, through very muddy streets—rushes| Mr. Baker. T’\\ have an action against you for false imprisonment, | in, and effects a passage to his beloved mistress, over the legs and | you old scoundrel—I will ! 4 ; feet of t | corp "44 leaving well-defined prints of his paws on| Mrs. Baker. Oh dear—oh dear! (The bell rings. the bright boots of the InuitaBie Expeaty GewtLemay. Mr. Baker, There’s the train going off—Here! we shall lose it. Mrs. Baker (overjoyed). Scamp,‘ poor fellow |—down, sir—down ! (Struggles to extricate himself.

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eer ka aOR ed mee ~ ir | —a nasty, dirty dog. Look at my boots ! } | {

| of all shadow of suspicion in the matter. Severely as we have suffered, we would yet be | among the last to accuse him of having i# aay way facilitated the wretched maniac’s escape.

92 PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

Railway © a our don, but this gquatlenen’s given you in charge. Irritable Uderly Geatlexan, Certainly—under the bylaws’ ‘They'd a dog im the carriage CALEDONIA’S APPEAL. Mrs ker. Oh—look! ti 's the train off, and“all our !u oo ANENT THE PUBLIC-HOUSES (SCOTLAND) BILL. Mr. Baker (triumphantly). There, Mus. Baxzr! That’s your Pet ! et se hee meved the second reading of this . Hoot awa’! Mackzwzig, mon ; ~<a Haud your gab, ye beezie-bodie : PT oy i What the deil has set ye on To try and tak’ awa’ our toddie ? Ye aiblins think our stoups amang We’re fond © gettin’ unco happy ; Depend upon ’t ye’re verra wrang ; e never gang beyond a drappie. Ithers tipple till they ’re fou ; | Fs \, |

Cannie Seotsmen stop at frisky : Burn your billie then, the noo, ‘tnd Gam rob us o’ our whisky ! Although, as weel as ony men, — We loo our pipie and our pottie, Mackenzie, troth, ye ought to ken A Scotsman canna be a sottie. Gin we were at’a’ inclined ‘To commit excess in drinkie, Siller we should hae to find; And wha wad stand the needfu’ chinkie? In Scotland there ’s na sic a loon, Sae squandrin’, spendthrift, daft a noddie. Ye needna put the publics doon ; Then, hech! just leave us to our toddie. ‘

THE LAST NEW DECREE. ConsipeRine that there are certain maxims |and proverbs current in a sense hostile to the | Government, it is hereby decreed, that the maxims |and proverbs hereinafter set forth shail be abo- lished, or altered in the manner following :— For, The truth is not to be told at all times— Read, The truth is not to be told at any time. For, Needs must when a certain person drives |—Read, Needs must when Louis Napo.eon MEMBERS FOR INTELLIGENCE, drives. aye ; | For, Possession is nine points—Read, Posses- | sion is as many points as there are bayonets. n —? , | For, Speak the truth and shame the devil— Iw the House of Commons, imagining himself to have a seat there, Mr. Punch moved that) Read, Hold your tongue and respect the Pre- a clause be added to the ex-Premier’s Reform Bill, providing for the representation of literature | sident and science. (Laughter.) Mind was unrepresented in that House. (“ Oh! oh!” from| , Cotonet Ststuorp) Yet the principle of giving the wisdom and learning of the country a , voice in the Legislature had been recognised in allotting members to the Universities of EXPLOSION OF A MINE IN THE Oxford and Cambridge. (Hear/ hear’) By that means, certainly, were represented the HEBRIDES! learning and wisdom of our ancestors. (Great cheering.) Which wisdom and learning were

} | | | | AN AMENDMENT ON THE REPORM BILL.

sufficient for our ancestors’ day ; (Aear/ hear /) but were slightly short of the requirements Tue gold of Skye appears to be a substance of the present. (Murmars.) In fact, to a great extent, the Members of the Universities that might be employed in gilding aérial castles. might now be said to represent what it would not be altogether too much to call ignorance | [he 4éerdeen Herald says :— on eee, r Laggan been — by an Hon. Gentleman not in that House, oe j aay cae —_ a ee anaes “Old clo’.” (Oh! from Ma. Dtsrak11.) they represented anything else, he believed it | Mens, Se “tye gold, om ne ses o- was old Port. (OA! and cheers.) If the Parliamentary history of Oxford were written, it sutal danmatentinstwaie aie af ian tates odes would exhibit one continuous line of opposition to every improvement that had been made} bricht glitter, but so have the metallic diamonds that in legislation for the last century. (Cheers and hisses.) He admitted that it was not | *P*tle in the sunbeams on our housetops, and which are at easy to find a constituency that could be identified with information and intelligence. | Caforsia. value with the produce of our

(Iromical cheers.) But for want of a better, he would propose the London University. (Oh!) ore is appalling evidence of the educational oh!) Let that enlightened and liberal body return two Members. (OA/ oh / oh!) He was| rat : aware how reasonable his proposal was. (Tronical cheers.) And therefore he did not wonder | oe ~~ ~y ; pa, eee _— c. at all at the reception it had met with. (Yells, groans, cheers, braying, cries of “Cock-a-doodle.- | 0 i orant to = ah AL Ted with the a doo!” and great confusion, amid which the Hon, Gentleman resumed his seat.) ah senenaniad truth, that all _ id that _ glitters. Perhaps, however, it is not their fault _ ow are unable 4 yey baser ore S . rom the precious me their currency 1s ANOTHER PICTURE OF DISMAY. limited to copper, it may be because they do not We regret to say that the public must be upon their guard, for our Insane Artist is again | 8¢¢ more of their landowners’ money. at large. This very morning were we frigh out of four-and-a-half at least of our five senses, by his sudden — in our editorial sanctum, fiercely hnechbine a slip of paper in our editorial eyes, and hurling it with wild gesticulation at our editorial feet. After the FAIR ENOUGH! performance of this maniacal pas de fascination, the unhappy man rushed frantically out of| Tue British youth say—in reference to the the room, and vanished, we are told, in the direction of the City. Upom recovering our | contemplated Militia Law—that they have no senses, we picked up the paper, and read as follows :— ‘objection to it, provided they could be first Drsicx ron Daawrve.—Agitation of our nervous friend Scnrcetrs, who has an extensive family connection | fairly drawn, and then comfortably q at Paris, on reading of the anticipated “ Suspension of Friendly Relations” by the President!!! !! en *.° We feel in justice bound to add that we entirely acquit the worthy Governor of Bedlam

Patriotic Toast anp Sewtiment.—May no foreigner ever be before us in civilisation, or behind us in battle.

|

Soa eed eo om oO wa ne.cwnirn ss © asd ijisan2a

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eo rer: Ss >= - Uli; ET] THE AMBITIOUS PHAETON ATTEMPTS TO DRIVE HUSTINGS AND HEARTSTRINGS. Mr. Puncu observes that, at the Greenwich election, the other day, ApmIRaL Houstoun Stewart made a novel claim upon the electors. He stated that the day of his election was his wedding-day, and urged that he should be particularly obliged to the voters to send him to Parliament: on that interesting anniversarv. Nor was the appeal in | vain; backed by a few other gentle influences, not unknown to Government candidates. The Admiral was returned by a triumphant majority. He has jumped through his lady’s wedding-ring on to the floor of the House of Commons. So successful an example is sure to have its copyists; and, among the paragraphs which will appear immediately after the impending dissolution, are the following : Loxp Evetyn Sr. Guies intends ‘to solicit the suffrages of the electors of Guzzleby, on the ground that the day of nomination will be | ,; at “ cataw 10 z : cd pms he ited to ride smpent in the | sidered. It is still to the “ Register” that candidates must attend, borough ; Gipzon Pounper, Esq,, the well-known attorney, designing | his birthday. Aristocracy to oppose his lordship, and has every hope of success, the day of poll being the seventeenth anniversary of that on which Ma. Pounpger defeated a motion to strike him off the rolls. Sim D’Ancy Syoeers will walk over the course for Killgarlick. No opponent can be found heartless enough to contest the seat witha gentleman whose wife, last corresponding Tuesday to that appointed for the election. The How. Barwactz Moe is —— to be run hard for the Boozy Burghs. It is true that his eldest little boy was breeched on the 17th of June im last year, and on such an anniversary the Hon. Candidate can hardly 1 to fathers in vain. SHAKSPBARE tells us, “ must perforce give way to better,” and his antagonist, Mr. Squasn (of Salt Kels), is prepared to show that on | circuit of forty miles round London the very day three years from that of the election, Miss Kosa SquasH was | declared convalescent afte SQUASH (as can be proved by two witnesses) cut a new front tooth. | The contest will therefore be severe. year, presented him with twins on the, But “good reasons,” | Lord Mayor officiating as a |for the British Press—a long ¢ if Ms Le sy " iv . ts SS HIS UNCLES CAR, AND SETS FRANCE ON FIRE. |to Miss Emiuty Tewrennoox. This, and five pounds a-head to the dockyard men, will go a good way towards placing the late Miss ‘TZN TERHOOK’S suitor at the top of the poll. ALDERMAN Butwx tells his ward of Little St. Cheeseparings, and the other electors of his district, that “he and his old woman” (we quote the worthy Alderman’s playfully familiar language) have always “had a slice of luck some time this quarter, every year since they married,” and he hopes the voters “ will not break the charm, but make | the old girl and himself happy,” by sending him to Parliament. Sim Peter Syovt is a new candidate for Whortleborough, and says that he should not have come forward but for the singular coincidence | that, this time last year but two, all his family bad the measles, and now there’s avacancy. Under these circumstances, he expresses a con- | fident hope that he shall be returned; and adds, that though his family | had the measles, his politics have nothing of a rash c haracter. In fact, the advice of the late Six Kopent Peet must be re-con- | but it must be the Parish Register. Jonw Butt has much of the camel nature; and now those eminent naturalists, his masters, have determined to cram him with dates. REJECTED PANTOMIMIC TRICKS. A netrnep Clown has sent us the following Pantomime Tricks | which were refused to be licensed by the Lonp CuamMBexLaLy : A Government Dockyard being changed into a Shop for Marine Stores—over which is written, “ Best Price given for Old Iron,” The City Mansion House being changed into a large Collier, with the Coal Whipper, whipping the Coals in a of French Soldiers—singing, The Vatican turning into a Caserne r the hooping-cough, and Master Cuar.ey | drinking, playing, fighting—and the Pope blessing them. The English Houses of Parliament turned into Houses of Correction rocession of all the English Editors The Government Candidate for West Bunkum states in his address, | (with “one base exception”), who, after being publicly whipped by the that, in addition to his other claims to the suffrages of the electors, the day on which Parliament will re-assemble is the anniversary of that day | and water, until they learn to speak properly of that on which he declared his first love, and offered his then nascent fortunes’ man, Louis NaPo.gon. Speaker (acting as Head Governor), are locked up, and _ upon bread m -abused young

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94 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAREL [MPORTANT PUNCH-OFFICIAL INTELLIGENCE ! DISSOLUTION OF OUR NATIONAL GUARD !! Punch Office, Wednesday, 35 Seconds to Noon. A Decree has just been issued, which, 1t is expected, will create an instant and immense sensation throughout the Culinary Regions of this Metropolis. The original being prominently affichéd to our doorposts, we have had no material difficulty in obtaining the following true and authentic Copy :— In the Name of the English People in general, and of HiMseLr in par- ticular Mr Pu» t Pre- sident e Re. public of Lat "s, Considering that enforced order is all very well, but that free Self-Govern- ment is decidedly better— the National Guard ought to be a gua rantee not against the Self-Govern- ment of others, but against the Mis-Government of themselves Considering that, in the Town Districts in particular, the National Guard seem generally disposed to pay far more attention to their physical interests than to their moral principles ; as is especially evinced by their repeated fits of adstraction (ithe President can use no milder term) when on Culinary Duty— Considering that dangerous and indomitable propensity to Cooks, which has led to their being considered a National Sa/¢-Guard in rather too ljiterai a sense ; and In some cases, even, Delng nominan) dentified with the genus “ area-sneak ”’— Considering the extensive series of Dissolving Views the President himself has witnessed in his own especial larder -mainiy attrinutaole, to the unobserved indulgence of this fatal failing Considering, in particular, the couutless legs of mutton that have so mysterious!y walked themseives off from the Presidential premises— Considering; therefore, that on a higher moral ground than that of mere personal interest, the President is fully justified in disputing the propriety of these Amatory and Appetital visits: and in desiring that the National Guard should find another area for the development of their abstract principles, than that in front of the President's own private dwelling-house— he heheves, National Guard is never by any possibility to be found when he’s wanted; from which curious physiological fact arose the popular sarcasm, that the colour of his uniform is [nv/sib/e Blae— Considering, also, the many other opprobrious epithets his pecu- liarities have gained him; such as “ Peeler,” “ Bobby,” “C usher,” ind the like ; all which titular honours verge somewhat perilously, it is feared, on the old copy-book conclusion, that familiarity is prone to generate contempt— Considering all these and many other equally grave and potent con- siderations which the President will not now waste ink and paper in considering— On the Report of No End of People, Himself and the Minister of his Interior, especially, inclusive— DECREBS as follows :-— The National Guard (Blue) may henceforth consider themselves ssolved throughout the whole extent of the President’s Republic; and, moreover, need never trouble themselves to become re-organised on fis account. [n the Department of the Insane, any weak-minded citizen expressing a wish for their re-organisation, is hereby referred to the General-in- Chief, at Bedlam. Given at the Palace of the President, 85, Fleet Street, this 11th day of Feoruary, 1852. (Signed) PUNCH. Countersigned) A. Soyer, Minister of the Interior. Query as To THE Navy Paeserves.—Does not so much corrup- tion imply bribery somewhere ? ' / Considering that} msidering, again, that it has absolutely become proverbial that a| OUR ADMIRAL ON) HALF-PAY. No. 2. | Tus Pallant gentleman, in forwarding hieseeond batch of manu- script, apologises for a week’s delay, caused en! rely, he remarks, by the absurd plan formerging the parish of Hazytominto Pleb-Biddlecumb in the new Reform Bill. The motive of that peeding is obvious ; it is to throw the power of the representation imto the hands of the Gaire Rinstens—a family (oints the Admiral with some asperity) “of no very old standing imthese parts.” Really this is very painful. But, as we have no spage details; we proceed to the pro- fessional part of his communication, F “When I was in the Yelper” (he resumes, apparently threatening us with “a yarn,”)—“ one of the forty brigs named after Lonp 5——'s hounds (and long since gone to the 1 may remark)—we fell in with H. M.S. Cymdeline—Busperon hat her, or rather, she had BiuDGeoN, for he was not fit to commandia coal-barge. Well, she got on shore on the Spigot Rocks, She Had @st an immense sum in building; they tried her with various alterations, but it was BO 60, Sir! “When remember all the uproar” was at the laucching her, and How she failed at iast, why, nothing but song can express my | feelings properly, So, here goes.” ' . The Admiral’s Song thus introduced is, modelled. on the “ Pride of the Ocean,” oy Dispus, and bears the same title. | See the shore lined with Cockneys—the tide comes in fast ; The nautical Tomkins cries, “Sharp there! avast!” The blocks and the wedges the mallets obey, (As the doekyards what -imilar blocks in town say). Miss Hicesy, the-figure-head makes at the sign, Like her pa’s, haveits features ail reddened with wine! And built at a cost that all Manchester shocks, The Pride of the Ocean is launched from the stocks. Soon the pennant is flying; the vessel they rig For a very old sailor of family Whig; And now round to Portsmouth she goes to be stored, And has six months to wait to get seamen on board. She ’s wanted at home: so, to Malta she hies, And, snug at a buoy, off Valetta she lies; Then cruises a little, when—how the folks stare !— The Pride of the Ocean’s in want of repair! | } Our prize is sent home then; with ardour they burn; | ''hey patch up the bows, and they alter the stern ; Trv afresh batch of masts; and—this seems an odd do!— Tis extravagant vessel they fit with a Screw! Still, still she won’t sail; the “ Returns” prove her crimes; And the gallant Sin Cuarcey writes off to the Times. So now, as she ’ll never defend the old cause Of our nation, our freedom, religion or laws, Her timbers are crazy, and open her seams, Six Boosy, her builder, awakes from his dreams. “ Ah! he sees his mistake ;” but the Lords in a sulk, The Pride of the Ocean cut down to a hulk. In a postscript, the Admiral adds, that he qnite s with the present demand for a powerful fleet in the Channel—and, indeed, might | perhaps be induced to take the command of it, should. circums'ances make it necessary. He has heard the invasion cry denounced on the ground, that we need not prepare, as there ’s:no-proof the French wish to come. To. this superficial objvetion the Admiral replies with con- siderable sternness, “‘ When I expected to be dunned. at Malta in the | old ‘ Lasoivent,’” says he, “I did not wait till the dun was alongside to |make preparations! | gave general orders that he should not be | admitted |” This is unanswerable, we rather believe. Our Imaginative Neighbours, | | A Great change has taken place in the romantic literature of France. | | The produetions of such writers as M. Evetwe Sus have given place to | an entirely new class of compositions. ‘Tlie only works of fiction in vhe | French language that are now published are the Government newspapers. REMEDIES FOR THE PEOPLE, Tas Dvuxe or Nosroik’s remedy was Curry. Louis NapoLeon’s is Cayenne, ROGU Y-POGUY. THe name of “the President’s” aside-de-camp, we believe, is Rocuet. Noscitur a soctis, says the proverb. Gewenat Rocust had better either cut “the President” or drop the ¢. T the ' iffice 10 ri the | “a was |, ur m N. hear Mat are t In fii meal hear was Mar been mou are t Stats cons af th a ho lead Tr struc wha

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LONDON CHARIVARI PUNCH, OR THE | THE DERBY EVENT. | Bensamrn Disravii is truly grateful to his friends for the proud position they have now placed him in. He will have now every facility in mancuvring the Trp, which he will have the greatest satisfaction in forwarding. He begs the public not to be imposed upon by pretended | prophets on the results of the Derby, for he feels assured of his being jable so to manage the Tip, as to leave no doubt about the winner. Those who feel undecided about joining him, are referred to what he has said at different times about the Russert, lot, and see if his predic- tions have not been verified. His advice is now sought in the very highest quarters ; and his lists contain some of the most decided odds that were ever presented to public notice. All letters to be addressed , to his new Office in Downing Street. | | Protectionist. “He! He! Hz! Ir pe ove tury, now !” ' | THE MARQUIS OF LANSDOWNE AND THE NEW MINISTRY. Tue first act of the Ministry in the House of Lords was done with the worst of grace. The Marquis or Lanspowne took farewell of | office and of official life. And who was there, among the new men, to | lo reverence to the unstudied yet touching ceremony? Nobody, save the Earn ory Matmesspury. The Zimes says, and most truly: “A public life which has literally embraced the first half of this century, and which was last night most gracefully concluded, deserved an ampler and richer tribute than ar new Foreion SecReTary st emed able to bestow.” Nothing could be colder, meaner, and certainly more foreign to the heartiness of English generosity, than the chip-chip phrases of Lorp Matmeszury. It is such men as the Marquis or Lanspowne who are the true strength of the Houseof Lords. He is a true Unglishman. In fifty years of political life his name has never been mixed with aught mean or jobbing. In the most tempestuous times, his voice has been heard among the loudest for right. In days when to be a reformer | was to take rank a little above a fanatic and a public despoiler, the Marquis or Lanspowne struck at rotten boroughs. He has ever been a patriot in the noblest sense. And there was nobody, but cold- mouthed Matmessury to touch upon his doings? So it is! “ Time hath, my lord, a wallet at his back, Wherein he puts alms for oblivion, A great-sized monster of ingratitudes : Whose scraps are good deeds past. But the political deeds of the Manquis or Lanspowxe are written | in the history of his country. After the wear of fifty years, not one| spot rests upon his robes. His coronet borrows worth and lustre | from the true, manly, English brain that beats—(and in the serene | happiness of honoured age may it long continue to beat !)—beneath it, | ; A Hope for France. Tue Moniteur has published a decree announcing the altera!ions that are to be allowed in the liveries of the Senators and Councillors of State. Cloth is to be used instead of velvet; and there is to be a considerable curtailment of gold lace. This compliance with the wish 4 the Senators as to an alteration in their clothes, is hailed by some as, a hopeful sign ; for it looks as if there were some grievances that may lead to re-dress | Our Lady of Atocha. Tae Queen or Sparn has offered her robes and jewels, worn when struck by the assassin, to our Lady of Atocha. But why not the | whalebone stays that defended the mortal attempt of the dagger ? lieving, as we do, that whalebone stays have had so many victims, slowly killing thousands of young women, we confess we should like to | | jevent has taken place. FIVE SUNDAYS!IN A FEBRUARY!!! THE ey have never noticed that, in the month which, like the Russex Ministry, has just gone out, the above extraordinary In the twenty-nine days of February there were five Sundays. Such an unusual occurrence, we are informed by a patient man who has given himself the generous trouble to calculate, will not ~ n again for upwards of seventy years ;—in other words, ‘hen the Catalogue of the British Museum and the Nelson Pillar are completed When the abuses of the Cit Corporation are remedied, When the French are capable of governing themselves, When London is supplied with good water, cheap gas, perfect sew- erage, and caideliereted milk, When the New Houses of Parliament are nearly finished, When the works of Mr. G. P. R. James have come to an end, When an omnibus will carry a person quicker than he walk; and When not a single tradesman will be convicted of using false weights and measures. Then such an event will re-occur, but not before. can INFANCY OF CRIME IN SCOTLAND. HE Edinburgh News narrates as follows: “A strange but absurd case was brought hefore Witasam L. Co: qunous, Esq, of Cla- thick, as Justice of the Peace for the county of Perth, at Crieff, on 10th instant [ult.), at the instance of Lonp and Lavy 1L- Lovensy De Erxesey and Louis Kewwepy, their factor, as their mandatory, against two children of Mra. Mivp.emies, labourer, Mu- thill, of the respective ages of two and siz years, The youngest child attended the iearned J us- tice carried in its mother's arms. The charge brought against them was that they had been found in the act of Jaying snares for the pur- pose of catching game in an adjoining fleld to the village of Muthill.” The crime was proved, at least to the satisfaction of the magistrate, for the evil-doers, aged six years and two, were fined each £1 6s, 10d., including expenses; or, failing payment, thirty days’ imprisonment. We upplaud the sagacily of the sentence. Would a sportsman, with a love of partridges at heart, spare a nest of young polecats; would Le not kill the small vermin even in their blindness? and what is a poacher of two years old other than a young polecat; a thing to grow and strengthen in mischief? Moreover, a sane and healthy child of two years old must be held self-accountable. Did not 5r. AUGUSTIN reproach himself, in after-life, with infantine gluttony at the ma’ernal breast? And this thought suggests in us another. If the Game Laws are to be adjudicated in the spirit developed in the above sentence, it may be necessary for the Perth Magistrates to cause some G5 such advertisement as the subjoined to be printed in the county papers. TANTED.—Two or Three WET-NURSES to suckle the Prisoners. Apply at the Gaol, Verdict—Serve ‘em Right. | Tuoven the “forty-five” were glad to receive a dinner at the hands see an offering of that valuable work of whalebone that has saved the | of Lous Napoueon, they are not so well pleased with the “Englishman” | ife of one. i ;in the Zimes, who has given them their desert. L

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, f cee a aime Th. path rtes Sows ne es ek ee . neve) Mea 6 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL FRENCH INVASION OF ENGLAND IN 1853. John Bull (quizzically), “I’m wot sure, Master Prince Prestpent, THAT 1T’s RIGHT TO ALLOW ForEIGn Reruezes To Lanp in EnGianp.” THE INVASION PANIC. Ovwr seaside correspondence is written with evidently such trembling hands, that it is scarcely legible; but we have been able to gather from it the following particulars. At Gravesend, the painting of the Bathing-Machines 1s looked upon as an indication of sony on the part of the authorities; and it is said that each machine is to be fitted with a gun—to protect the bathers in the brackish waters that lave the mud-bound shores of that laughing locality. One of the defensive measures about to be taken will, it is said, be the raising of the prices at Tivoli, to render it more difficult of access; and Natwan’s proud Baron will, it is said, dance his celebrated egg hornpipe every night, so that there may be plenty of shells always ready to hurl at the enemy The panic is not confined to the Kentish Coasts, but it has extended to the very skirts of the Bristol Channel, and the proceedings of the Board of Health—who have sent a Sapper into Clifton to take an observation—have given rise to observations of an alarming character. The gallant fellow who is posted on the tower of Clifton Chureh is looked up to with a sort of awful interest, for he is supposed to have been raised to his present elevated position with a view to his obtaining a good view of the movements on the Bristol Channel. Whenever he descends to his meals he is beset by all sorts of questions, which he answers with a sort of sour brevity, and pointing to his surveying instrument, he reduces every inquiry that is made of him to the same dumpy level. Cabinet Intelligence. Tue Syrto-Lepawon Famtry (late of the Egyptian Hall and the Holy Land) left their cards upon the new CHANCELLOR oF THE Excuequer yesterday. It is not yet confidently known whether they will have seats in the Cabinet—but, considering the Syrians generally sit cross-legged on the floor, it is perfectly immaterial to the Syrzo- LeBaNnon Famtty whether they have seats in the Cabinet or not, as long as they are accommodated each with a piece of carpet.— Zhe Observer, improved upon by Punch, A Sum ror tHe CHANCELLOR OF THE ExcHEQuEeR.—Deduct Sir Crantes Woop from Bensamin Disraeii, and show that a just Lncome Tax remains. RURAL CHURCH DISCIPLIN Tne subjoined extract from The Reading Cumin aed of the pro ceedings of the County Bench, Newbury Division, might be chronicled in a volume of “ Curiosities of Police Intelligence.” ‘Tavrspay, Fes. 12. Present— W. Mount, E. B. Dunny, C. Eyre, R. Tull, C. Sloeock, J. Hughes, T. H. Smit, H. R. Eyre, and H, M. Bunbury, Esqrs.) “Ricnarp Mropietoy, a youth, and hired servant to Mr. Jon Lousuey, of Hamp stead Norris, was charged with not attending his church twice on Sunday, Feb. 1st, accordance with the agreement entered into when he was hired. ‘Mr. Lovstey informed the Bench, that he always attended church twice on Sundays with the farm servants, but the boys had several times ‘ behaved bad,’ and done nud miotant, ar d MIDDLETON had voamnes to go to church more than once on a Sunday— The boy ple aded ruilty to the charge. The Bench said, that as he had entered into a contract when hired to attend divin service twice on Sundays, he could not break the agreement, and after giving him som seasonable advice, ordered him to pay the expenses, 7s. 6d., which were to be abste from his wages, 6d. per week. Absurd, however, as the above charge may seem, their Berkshire Worships were right in entertaining it. Dick Mippieton, having hired himself to perform, among other labours, that of gomg to churct twice on Sundays, was as much bound to fulfil that obligation as to drive the horses, work in the fields, sweep the stables, or feed the pigs of Mr. Loustey. True, Ricwarp, by going bodily to church, and being mentally elsewhere, would not have attended divine service. But he was not had up for not attending divine service, but for neglecting Mr. Loustey’s service. What service he could have rendered that gentleman by the mere display of his person in the sacred edifice, it may be for us to inquire, but it is not for Mr. Lousiey © answer, unless he chooses. The loss of 7s. 6d. will now probably t him to go to church according to his bond, and do his duty to- Mr. Loustey. Vox Populi in Paris. Aw entire change has taken place in the political cries of Paris. Instead of Vive /a yr ! Vive la Liberté! &c., the peoples na shout Vive le coup d état! Vive le fusillade ! Vive la ¢ Vive la déportation! Vivent les Jésuites! A bas la liberté ! A - 2 Presse! whilst the soldiers halloo, Vivent les saucissons ! Vive le cham pagne! and the climax of all these cries is, Vive / Empereur / — awa repre ment what | Bary hand W corte | Par —

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| Parliamentary returns, richly coloured with the golden hue of promise ! PUNCH, MORALS OF “THE MAHOGANY.” MR. PUNCH DISCOURSES WITH AN “M.P.” ABOUT TO VISIT PARIS. Q. Wuat is dinner? A. Dinner is an arbitrary term. It may meana mess for a dog; it may comprehend the neblest work of man. Q. Do you then conceive dinner to be the test of civilisation ? A, Undoubtedly: the savage feeds ; the gentleman dines. Q. Does feeling or morality enter into the composition of a dinner ? A, Neither one nor the ether: it is impossible. (Q. State your grounds of impossibility. 4. Feeling and morality, according to the last anatomical discoveries, and conventional figures of speech, dwell in the heart and in the brain. Q. Granted. Proceed with your impossibility. A, The heart is a hollow m and does no work of digestion, neither does it taste: the brain is am organ of two hemispheres, united | by a corpus callosum, an organ that digests not, neither does it taste. Ergo, feeling and morality are independent of the act of diniog—of the ceremony denominated dinner. Q. Man is then a free agent to dine or not dine with whomsoever may invite him ? A. Assuredly : such would be my definition of Free Will. Q. But how, if the man be “commanded ” to dine ? A. He them treads bis Free Will under his feet, drawing on his patent leather boota. Q. This supposes that the “ command” issues from the head of the} Sta'e, whatever that Head denominates ? 4. Indubitably. Britons never shall be slaves, save and except whien | “commanded” out to dinner. : Q. What is your opinion of Soutovgus, Emperor of Hayti ? A, He dawns, or rather darkens, on my mental perceptions, as a very | greasy nigger of about eighteen stone. Half-moon cocked hat, with ushions of gold for epaulets. ; Q. Suppose yourself in Hayti, commanded by the Emperor to dinner. What would be your course ? A. Of course, the—dinner-course. Q But if your host had made his way to the head of the table through “ wholesale butcheries ?” _ A. As his guest and a foreigner, I should eschew politics ; my host’s butcheries in his butcher. : Q. If your host had shipped off thousands of the innocent to pesti-| lential captivity, how wo d that incident affect your stomach ? A, Not at all: what have I to do with men in captivity, so that the venison has been well kept? Q. And bloodshed— A. Bloodshed! pooh! Should any blood in the world stop the Burgundy ? ; Q. Very good. You may proceed upon your travels. Stop. I will suppose you at the Islands of the King of the Cannibals. A, Suppose it. Well? Q. And I will suppose you to dinner. Would y6u dine ? 4. No; but understand me, only for this reason—no other. | should respectfully shirk ¢hat “ command,” Jest I should be called upon to supply my own joint. Q. But otherwise you are unprejudiced—open to any other command ? 4. So much so, old boy, that only look in the Moniteur next week, and you'll see I’ve knife-and-forked it, by “command,” at the Tuileries. may be, and whatever the State it | | | | ‘commanded” by his cannibal Majesty THE BEUF GRAS, AGRICULTURE, AND PROTECTION. Two great events astonished—for we can scarcely say, delighted— the capitals of France and England at the same time last week. The one in Paris was the procession of the Bau/f Gras. The one in London was the entry into power of the Deasy Ministry. Both events, however, were distinguished with the same clarac- teristics. Agriculture was the leading feature of them both. _ In the Beeuf Gras procession, Agriculture rode ina chariot drawn by six white horses. She stood, almost concealed, in a mock field of corn, and in her hand was a sickle, as if she were going then and there 0 gather in the harvest. And in the Grand Dery Procession has not Agriculture also been made the most prominent figure, and does not the party which it represents, stand involved up to its eyes in Corn? It has all its instru- ments ready, and is provided with a large number of hands eager to do Whatever Agriculture bids them; but it is yet doubtful what kind of aarvest the Corn question will yield, and everyone is afraid to lay a and wpon it. What if this same corn-field should turn out, as in the Bauf Gras Phil nothing but a mock field of corn made up of printed papers and OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL sinking | - | What if this same figure of Agriculture is only a Show figure, merely |introduced to swell the procession that carried the Protectionist party junto power! And what if, the Show now being over, Agriculture wes taken down from its elevation, and put aside, until wanted for some — occasion ! , ut these speculations as to whether Agriculture will be retained or disearded—whether Corn is to be the great war-chariot of the Pro- tectionists or not—are scarcely worth consideration. The Baw Gras —spr was only a three days’ wonder; and we do not think the exsy Ministry will last much longer. | | THE POETICAL COOKERY-BOOK. DEVILLED BISCUIT. | Ais—“ A Temple of Friemiship.” | nice Devill’d Biscuit,” said Jenxrns, “T’ll have after dinner— the thought is divine!’ The biscuitiwas bought, and he now only w To fully enjoy it—m glass of good wine: He flew to the 5» and sat down beforeit, And at peppering the well- butter’d biscuithewent ; Then, some cheese’ im a paste mix’ d withavasterd spread o'er it, And down to be grill’d. to the kitchen ’twas-sent. “Oh! how,” said the Cook, “can IL this think of a illing, - n common the pepper’ the wal wal” be But here’s the Cayenne; if my master is willing, L’ll make, if he pleases, a devil with that.” So the Footman ran up with the Cook’s observation, To Jenkins, who gave him a terrible look : “Oh, goto the devil!” forgetting his station, Was the answer that Jenkins sent down to the Cook. A CRY FROM THE POSTMAN. “Mr. Puncu,—You have always said your best for the postman give us a few words at this writing. The Act—or Order in Counci!— or whatever it is—has come in which allows folks to send books at 6d a pound from one end of the country to the other. Well, this is all right enough; and I don’t mean to complain; but I must ask who is to carry ’em ? “ My walk ’s in a neighbourhood of everlasting readers. I know it, [ shall have a hundred volumes a day to deliver; and is there to be no extra pay a week for bent back and worn shoe-leatier ? my | “Once I called myself a postman ; but with this new regulation for delivery of books of all sorts, | must, Mr. Pumeh—(again asking your good word for a little extra pay)—sign myself “ Yours, A Two-Leceep Cincunative Linnany.” | “P.S. [I’ve heard it said that each of us is to be allowed a light pony chaise for our delivery: but if this is really toogood to be thought of, mayn’t we have a donkey and panniers?” Easy Little Sums for our New Chancellor of the Exehequer. Two and two make four. W hat is the Square of 16? If Shrimps cost three-halfpence a pint, what will three quarts come to ” What will be the half-year’s Interest upon # sum of £300, in the 34 per Cents ? s If the circulation of the “ Base Exception” amounts as high as 81) at the end of the month, how many copies does it sell daily? if a young lady takes a silver fork aud spoon to school with her, calculate the chances of her parents ever seeing them back again? — If the subseribers of the Gentleman's Magazine are, respectively, 79, 83, 87, 94, and 106 years old, what do their united ages amount to’

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98 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ES inte 4 Pe SPRL ti ter, “ip <i. em itt Mf &f, ly 4 “ 4a, 4 Mo PT ee LLL, tf le, - ‘es “7 v/ 2 4 C4 . ee, &: ee, “Sl te ~ ro - “LF. aa e Ak pk , -

Pic ie 6+ 45 c AN, is VY} 4 y ‘PP ge he, ih / MAN) W\ \ , AUN Ww ‘ GK AN 11 Se set sala a —- - SOMETHING LIKE A BROTHER. Flora, “ Tmaat’s a VERY PRerty Waistcoat, Emmy !” . - “ | Emily. “Yes, Dean. It seiones to my Broruer Caintes. Wen HE Gos

——<——— ROADS IN THE BUSH. (Vide the Duke's Speech, February 6, 1352.) Roaos in the Waterkloof! Indeed, — That chief deserves the highest praise Who first conceived so good a pl To make the Caffres mend their ways. Vainly each coors p A patent rifle, gun, or If e’en the Irom Duke A pike superior to them all. "Tis better thus; and weary now Of bruising heads and eracking bones, We'll hope a happier age than ours Will find the Zooloos breaking stones. Along these roads, in future days, The traveller will scarcely fail To find tamed, and dressed, and taught, Macomo drives the Gaika mail. And, coming to a road-side inn, In some lone district, wild and hilly, Will! read upon the creaking “The Sutru’s Head, kept by Old SaNpm11.” So let it be! We welcome peace, In this or any other shape, / And hope by plans like these, that we — May, Bow Garey, Mat Grey, keep the Cape. A SCHOOL FOR MINISTERS. Ir would be an excellent speculation just now, for some | enterprising bookseller to bring out @ series of ministerial Primers or Horn-books for Statesmen just entering on the study of the art of Government. Manyof the new Cabinet would have to begin with the very A, B, C, of official edu- | cation; and whether they will ever get beyond their alpha bet is a doubt, for it is not likely they will have a very long spell of their present positions. A sort of official Infants’ School, where the Members of the New Cabinet might be instructed in the rudiments of their new art, would be an excellent addition just now to our public establishments. One of the first classes formed | ought, perhaps, to be a drawing class, to teach the minis- | terial pupils how to draw their first quarter’s salary.

out or Tows He PuTS ME ON THE Free List, as we CALis it, of Mus WaRorope. | PoniticaL Craicxet.—The celebrated cricketer, May- Isn't 1T KIND?” WERS, is going to have an innings at last.

a” — ~~ ——--—-- +--+ —- —— A FRIEND’S ADVICE TO DISRAELL —, ENJAMIN’ Disnagu, the new 2 Chancellor of the Exchequer, [) belonging to the honourable order of the Inkstand—of which we are admitted to be the Grand Master—we cannot help feeling an interest in his success, an we therefore are anxious to give him a few hints by way of en- suring it. The means of well- merited popularity are im his hands, if he will play the game as we counsel him. In the first place, he will have to deal with the Income Tax, and will, we trust, show his sympathy with the workers—to whose class he belongs—by exempting the hard earnings of labour—intellectual as well as manual —from the same tax as realised property is subject to. ~ Let him also propose the abo- lition of all the taxes on know- ledge—a step which will gain him the approbation of all who are | employed in disseminati TRovleiee: a — considerable power for a Minister to have in his favour. He may relieve the Agricultural | interest by an equalisation of the poor-rates—a peculiar hobby of his

colleague, Lorp Matwespury: and whatever may be the fate of the Ministry, Diszarci will, at least, have deserved well of his country. We, at all events, hope he ge e himself equal—not withstanding his wit—to the mysteries of £3 D., and that his wisdom of the per, or penny wisdom, will not turn out to be pound foolishness. ee ee THE PAROCHIAL’ REFUGEE QUESTION. We understand that the Beadle of St, Paneras has addressed “ recia- mations” in the name of his mnment to the Beadle of Marylebone,fon the subject of thejur refugees who are permitted to indulge wm certain mendes diomaires on the borders of both parishes. We do not give the text of the despatch, but we understand that the le of St. Paneras ‘alludes especially to a demonstration at the boundaries, on an oecasion when “ Young Marylebone ” assembled in sreat mae for the purpose of carrying on machinations of a most objectiom@ble character... The St. Pancras Government complains that there iS'@n organised system of hop-scotch all along the southern frontier,’ atid that the game of “ cat” is frequently played under the nose—sometimes ending in the eye—of the gold-lace constituted autho- rities. The Marylebone functionary has made a spirited reply, in which he claims, in the name of his Government, the right of an unlimited | hospitality; amd adds, that the boundary line on his side has often been infrmged by marbles and duck, when either of those games have been played on the frontier. He concludes an admirable manifesto by declaring he would rather resign his office, and place his cocked hat # the disposal of the Vestry, than succumb on the present occasiop. Thus the matter stands for the present.

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=o so =e WT T - & “THE GAME OF SPECULATION.” (AS PERFORMED AT THE THEATRE ROYAL, ST. STEPHEN’S.) Marcn 6, 1852

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MANNERS IN THE WOODS AND FORESTS. EMOANING the departure of Lorp Seymour from the Woods and Forests, the hamadryads must have breathed a piteous sigh. Never was there so blithe, so debonnaire, | 80 civil, a minister. The very satyrs might have learned courtesy of him ; and Orson, the wild man, become, by ministerial ex- ample, the pink of gentle- ness. Nevertheless, | our keen regret for a lost Sermour is attempered into to- lerable grief by the — of the new- ound Manners — possibly the best, and, wi significant appoint- ment of the whole Cabinet; for the poetic LorpJoun is endeared to the re- collection of trading England by an im- mortal couplet, to shine for ever in the eyes of English- ton says, as are the | ate. fig i.” «um 4s ~ Sars —... « men. Here sunbeams : —— - 2 it is, impossible to be soiled, as Mil “ Let laws and learning, wealth and commerce, die, But leave us still our old nobility.” Let the Houses of Parliament house foxes and badgers; and let the hare make her form in the Speaker's Chair—let Cambridge and Oxford become cities of the dead—let the Bank of England break like poavents and the docks and all they contain crumble with dry rot, but— But leave us still our Beavrorts, our TaLsots, our Dersys, our De Rooses ! e Now, woodcraft and foresteraft are especially the learning and | accomplishments of our old nobility. The Forest Laws were animated | by the humanising spirit of that old nobility, that made man’s life | very much cheaper than beasts’; and, although the vulgar influence of laws and learning, wealth and commerce, and the like, has destroyed | much of the old romance that consecrated buck and doe ; there, never- | theless, lingers about our Woods and Forests—(much of them, at the present writing, woods of building and forests of chimneys)—a pleasant, wild romance, that has its prettiness to the milk-diet taste of Young England. For, as our present Woods and Forests are to the forests of the eleventh century, so is the white waistcoat of Young England to the hauberk of the time of Jonn. And Lonp Mawwers wears the modern waistcoat with a grace that gives us great hopes of him in the modern Woods. A DAY OF RESIGNATIONS. Tae Royal Ink and Umbrella Stands must have been inconveniently full on Friday last, when the various officials attended for the purpose of resigning their respective seals, wands, and single-sticks. ‘The royal chatelaine must have been also rather encumbered by the weight of keys; and the Marquis or BREADALBANE’s gold one, as Lord Cham- berlain, must have proved a somewhat serious appendage, until Her Masesty was relieved of it by the Marquis or Exeter. Fortunately the parties were soon at hand to unburden the Royal apartment of the unusual accumulation of official emblems; and we trust that in new hands they will prove more effective than they have done in the old hands for the last year or two. The Marquis or Westminster has, we perceive, delivered up his wand—an absurd emblem for a Lord Chamberlain, in whose hands a wand must be of little use, as he is certainly, in most cases, no conjuror. In a sensible reign like the present, this distribution of seals which are never used, keys that open nothing, and other unmean- ing appurtenances, might be done away with—the sticks to some of the little lords, being the only insignia that seem to us appropriate. T° BE DISPOSED OF, CHEAP—THE CHILD'S CAUL,—WHICH _the Eat or Derpy made upon Lorp Patmerstos, in the hopes of inducing him join the present Ministry. withal, most | THE PARLIAMENTARY DINER OUT. SONG BY A LITTLE UNKNOWN “x. P.” Toxs—“ We won't go home till Morning.” A TRaIToR—but a wi Invited me to dinner; ; Of course I loved my immer Man too well not to The feeling nae low, But I could not say no; For he’s a Tally good fellow, &c. A man of lofty station Sends me an invitation ; His conduct to his nation Is their look. not mine ;' A Prince me to dine; He ’s famous for his wine; For he’s.a jolly good fellow, &c. My mouth, his butchery shut on, T’ll open to his mutton. The stomach of a glutton, Youll say, is hard to turn. That gives me no concern ; His victuals I won’t spurn ; For he’s a jolly good fellow, &c. ’Tis honour to inferiors To dine with their superiors ; Ne’er mind in whose interiors His bullets may abide ;! His prog ’s in my inside, His roast, and boiled, and fried ; For he’s a jolly good fellow, &c. *T was thus he won his legions, Through their abdominal regions, And colder than Norwegian’s Mast be the heart and brain, ‘ A good “ blow out ” won’t gain ; Sing sausages and cham e | For he’s a jolly good fellow, &c. And if he should come over, Bombard the cliffs of Dover, Encamp in En ’s clover, And subjugate Jonny Butt, Long faces never pull He ‘ll ive us a bellyful ; or he’s a jolly good fellow, &c. POLITICAL ON-DITS. Mr. Disraztt, immediately on receiving his appointment as Cuan- CELLOR OF THE ExcHEQuer, sent round the corner to a book-stall for a copy of Walkinghame’s Arithmetic. A pencil and slate, in the course of the evening, were ordered by the Right Honourable Gentleman. The Marquis or SaLispury procure some impressions of the repaired to Downing Street, in order to Pes Seal. : te Lozp Matmespury has remained at home since his nomination to | the post of Foreign Secretary, notwithstanding the very general supposition that he is abroad. a Sre Jonw Paxryotow has been occupied in making the requisite arrangements for rendering his seat in the Colonia! Office comfortable, | as he finds it somewhat harder than the County Bench. 4 Lory Jonw Manyers bas been surveying his family tree ‘previously | to entering on the duties of his high berth, as Chief Commissioner of Woods and Forests. ; Tue Ear. or Eotwtonw has buekled on his armour to enter the lists as Lord Lieutenant of Ireland. « Considerable astonishment is expressed at the fact that Corows. SreTHorr has no place in the Cabinet. Characteristic Fact. So desirous is Little Nar. of imitating his great Uncle in every possible particular, that we understand he has recently declared his intention of in future regularly wearing his coats out a/ Elba! A Dis-apporwtment.—The appointment of poor Dis. as Chancellor lof the Exchequer.

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en. roe Sr soe semenmanan AK. wmemtpingmn Sry ata eat, ere Re yr a pa tg ns fe LU2 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL | Mrs. Baker. Good gracious! I wonder how you can keep such |nasty troublesome things as those poultry, ruining} the garden, and |1’m sure the eggs cam be no object in the country, here. | Mrs. Bulierry. Yes—that’s what 1 say; but Mr. Butperry won't | hear of our interfering with the girls’ pets. | Mrs. Baker. Ah! those men—they ’re all the same, as I was saying. Yes, my dears, remember one thing—the man that doesn’t like }dumb animals, and especially dogs—you know what SHaksPEaRE says labout ¢iat, The man that hasn’t any—music—I think it is, but it comes to the same thing—in his soul, 1s not to be trusted. Oh! it’s | just the same with dogs. Miss Mary Bulberry. 1 quite agree with you, Mus. Baxer. I dote | upon all sorts of things—l’ve my rabbits and guinea-pigs, and doves, and Exrtes’s got her bantams, and Jane once had a squirrel; but it | gnawed everything, and was always falling out of window, and got tipsy, and died. Jane, But, only think, Mrs. Baker, mamma won’t let us keep a dog. Mrs. Baker. Not keep a dog, my dears ! Mrs. Bulberry. Well, you see—with children in the house ;— and | there ’s that hydrophobia—one never knows— | Mrs. Baker. My dear Mus. Buteerry, I’m surprised you should | give in to these stories. Look at my Scamp. Can anything be plea- | santer in a house than /e is? ‘To be sure, 1’ve taken great pains with } Dim. Miss Tapps (sentimentally). Don’t you find that attachment to any |creature one does learn to love becomes painful, Mas. Baker? You | know what Moore says— “I never loved a dear gazelle— | To glad——” | Mrs. Baker. Yes, my dear: but gazelles are so delicate—now, dogs ——/(a sudden scream 1s heard), Mrs. Bulberry (starting up). Something ’s happened in the —— L rise, Mrs. Baker. Oh dear! I hope it ’s nothing serious. Enter the faithful Evaws, with the youngest BULBERRY, in curl-papers and convulsions of grief and terror. ol. Bulberry. Ob, gracious me, Evans! what is the matter with ATILDA ? | Evans. Oh, Mem! it’s that dog—your dog, Mem (with a bitter look = at Mas. Baker). I was a-puttin’ Miss Martripa’s ’air up, for after dinner—and the nasty dog were a-playin’ with one of the curl-papers MRS. BAKER’S PET. as I dropped, Mem—and when I took it from him, Mem—and was | a-puttin’ her side curl up, Mem—he lep at it—and pulled it off, Mem— THE OCCURRENCES OF THE LAST SCENE HAVE LEFT BEHIND THEM and nearly tore all the dearchild’s curl right off with it, Mem—and there SO MUCH IRRITATION IN MR. BAKER, THAT MRS. BAKER HAS) he goes, Mem—a-tearin’ over the garding, Mem—with it in his mouth. JOYFULLY ACCEPTED AN INVITATION TO SPEND A WEEK WITH HER | Scamp is seen through the window, tossing the fragment of curl- FRIENDS, THE BULBERRIES, AT “THE MYRTLES,” THEIR LITTLE - : . : PLACE, NEAR DORKING. IT NEED SCARCELY BE ADDED THAT| ped and its contents in triumph, ihe « wild Indien OHS 6 SHE HAS TAKEN THE PET WITH HER, FEARING THE CON-| P = ' SEQUENCES OF LEAVING HIM aT HOME wiTHIN reacu op| rs. Baker. Oh! {’m so sorry—but it’s all playfulness. Don’t ery MR. BAKER.“ THE BULBERRIES ARE SEVEN IN FAMILY, HavING | ™Y love. = ve use pee? Marina. ruREE GROWN-UP AND TWO YOUTHFUL DAUGHTERS. Two wreces| 4/78. Bulberry. Oh, goodness! 41 hope he hasn’t bit the child ! OF MRS, BULBERRY ARE STAYING IN THE HOUSE. Rs. BULBERRY! , 27"s. Well, Mem, I ’ope not, Mem—leastways I don’t think the 18 A MOST ANXIOUS MOTHER. THE PET HAS, HITHERTO, ConpucTED | Sin’s broke, Mem. HIMSELF WITH PROPRIETY; BUT MRS. BULBERRY Is Hauntep| “rs. Bulberry. Oh—do let me look, Evans! WITH AN INDISTINCT DREAD OF HYDROPHOBIA. She eagerly examines Miss Matiipa’s temple in the neighbourhood Scent 9.—The Breakfast-room at “ The Myrties.’ There has been a\ of Mie exiesing env. Jine-wash in the house, following om a@ di by the ladies of their | Bans, And | beg your parding, Mem—but I must beg the favour. respective treasures in the way of lace, and other loves of little things, | Mem, that that dog may be kep out of the nussery, Mem—for of ail appertaining to the toilette, Present—Mus. Butperry, Many, Jane, gy things, Mem, with children, Mem, it’s a dog in the and ELLEN, her three grown-up daughters, and Miss Ros sery, Mem. : Sunen Ber aie: he "irs Pos on erly pgs o thirty be, Mrs. Bulberry (to Mrs. Baxer, reproachfully). There—you see, Mus. the latter, a sweet creature of twenty-one. Mus. Baxer has been| PAS®®- - giving an account of BakEr’s unaccountable perverseness in the matter | Mrs. Baker. Oh !—1I’m sure Scamp adores children. . —s Evans. That’s it, Mem, as | complain of—Mem— ¢ ? b ’ ’ of the Pet, who is beginning to be looked upon as a bore. | A sudden shriek from two Miss BULBERRIES and Miss Rost Urs. Baker. Yes, my dears, you are not married yet; but there *s| Tapes. no saying how soon you may be—any of yon. Mrs. Bulberry. What is the matter now ? Wiss Tapps (with a sigh). No, indeed; it’s a thing that may come! Miss Rose Tapps. Oh, goodness, gracious—he’s eating my Berthe ! any moment. Miss Mary Bulberry. And Mamma’s Brussells cuffs ! Mrs. Baker. Very trae, my love. But, before it does come, take| Miss Ellen Bulberry. And your biack pelerine, Jaws! my advice, and satisfy yourselves that be has a good temper; and—| Mrs. Bulberry (wildly throwing up the French window, and rushing above all—that he’s kind to dumb things generally—and dogs in| ow). Oh, Mrs. Baker! how could you ever bring such a druée into a particular. os | house ? : Mrs. Bulberry (feeling that they are drifting on the Pet, as usual). | A wild exit of the whole party on to the lawn, where the subject-matter Rose, my dear, did you ask Evans to put out those little things on the} of the fine-wash was displayed to dry. back lawn ? ; (Scamp is seen wildly rending, tearing, tossing, and mangling cuff* Miss Rose Tapps. Yes, Aunt. collerettes, Berthes, pelerines, scarfs, and concludes his per- as And did you beg she ’d tell Tuompson to lock in the formance as the ladies reach the spot, by swallowing Mss. Mice ete Tapps. Yes, Aunt Buiperry’s five guinea Chantilly fall, Mrs. Bulberry (to Mus. Bawer). Because, my dear, I had the| Mxs. Baker (im the manner of the late Sin Isaac Newrow to his dog sweetest Honiton collerette scratched all into holes by Mary’s bantam | Diamonp). Oh! Scamp, Scamp! cock, last month. | (Scene closes on feelings which defy description. —— tie

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, | which so very generally occasions i SAFETY UNIFORMS. sober, as no other people do, unless the bse During the present oR GRACIOUS QUEEN'S | make it a matter of religi overument having signified | thought of them if they aeept thee ee ees ipingness ‘© |fares in carts, with the Rifle-corps, the equipment of gentle- | Vociferations their devotion to mon desirous of uniting in defence | Exeter Hall pape this i ion. Of, o r Sovereign and Country, i infants thrus' becomes a matter for canuideretion’ ' of omens se inf to ‘ In accordance with the practical |Clamour, was the taste of making suggestions of several distin- adopting an address, sayouring guished military officers, and Glnee cns Ee vee Roya, Hiemwess ALBERT provide a great variety of ideas | suppose this production could of uniforms, the colours a's which, | themselves, as there isa 4S-imiaAtin o we "a shade of tommund eS mr a ouaenty Ss wag inyiy oe po. the wearer to present as indistinet! 4 a.mark as possible to the enemy's 4 have expressed their aim. Besides the neutral greys “To the Pauver or Waas. f corresponding to the mixed colours ¢.|- : of the heath, and the brown mix- take aD Oe ew write you . ture identical with the colour of the pledge. e to the mud, samples have been ma- not going to more wine, nufacturedof slate-colour and brick- such things.we , tipsy. dust red, calculated for house-top service amongst the chimney-pots, lake anything . of bright green with mothemof-| Quite pleasure pearl and gilt buttonsintermingled, pies, and hard- adapted for field-fighting in case of your an invasion occurring at the time mamma, (the daisies and buttercups; of straw-eolour for a harvest or stubble brigade, and the T f snowy white, which would be a suitable on if vee to be attacked simul- and exouse errors,” taneously by the foe and the frost. A splendid pattern also been made of cloth of Childi i gold and silver, the dazzling effeetof which under a glare of sunshine, in the midstof .: f ish ananes would have been the fittest vehicle for the axpres- 2 Turneresque landseape, would.be.gach as utterly to bewilder the simeof the most ®!00 OF Im impertanence. See. t A = expert marksman. All these wonderful uniforms, warranted. incapable of being hit, ; SS 2 a = | besides a regulation ride pagenet to miss,to be had at Messrs. Powca and Co’s, Army Clothiers, 85, ; where every species of Gentlemanlike Dressing is — to those neq) a superior article and good cut. a od *.” P. and Co.'s Military gy mong need first-rate, not only by gentlemen i all. EA ) > it by ladies, and whether or not any fighting in store for the wearer, will peoneee; 8) render every such gallant hero ¢ertain, of conquest. i nT i 8 iy | iv my |, eubaane 1)) 189 j ’ h ue A MINISTERIAL ARRANGEMENTS. |! RTT lee Tae putting together of the new official bundie of sticks has been a, ’ A work of considerable difficulty, and the “ rumours,” during the course of the operation, have been vague and numerous, Some of the reports | in cireulation, which have not yet appeared in print, are given below upon “ our own correspondent’s” authority. Up to alate hour last night Coronet QretHorr had not accepted | the Seeretaryship of the War department—an appointment which had been much talked about by his own friends and acquaintances, Several reasons have been given for his not having yet joined the Ministry, but we have good ground for believing that the true reason is, he has never been asked to do so. Considerable sensation was excited by a report, that Mr, Brreriess had just received the Great Seal, which proved to be a fact; for he on Wednesday took out of pawn, and received into his own hands, the great seal that formerly hung to the watch of his great- grandfather. One of the vacant posts at the Treasury has been accepted by Cribbage-faced Bos, who will henceforth occupy, as crossing-sweeper, the lamp-post opposite the Home Office, Much embarrassment bas been occasioned to the Premier by his uncertainty as to the fittest, person to hold the office of Black Rod, there being so many members of the Protectionist party whom the rod would be well bestowed upon. ' HOPEFUL YOUTHS. Pn the other day along the Strand, we observed a large number of omnibuses and vans, in front of Exeter Hall, filled with small ctul- dren, who were shouting and hallooing with all the foree of their little THE BANDS OF HOPE; lungs. What they were bawling for, we did not. know, nor do we OR, THE CHILDISH TEETOTAL MOVEMENT. exactly understand now, although we have discovered that the juveniles in question were the members of the “ Bands of Hope,” ¢onnected Grandpapa, “ But vor Seventy Yeans, uy Curio, | wave pounp with the Temperance League, who were going to meet in the Hall, rus? rue moperate use ov THe Goon Tuixos ov Tuis Lire mas DONE | under the presidency of somebody or other. Besides cheering and ye goop.” huzzaing, they attracted public attention by means of various flags and banners which they carried. In short, they were, at the instigation of those who ought to have taught them better, making a noisy demon stration, and creating an obstruction in the street. We do not quarre! with the natural disposition of children to be obstreperous, but we do _—— - ~ =e protest against the conduct of persons who, under the pretence of making them teetotallers, encourage them in intemperate manifes- “T’p rnatweR Be ‘AN ENGLisnMas, who writes the noblest tations. We respect the principle of total abstinence, when simply | letters under that signature in the 7imes newspaper, than the foolish conscientious: but we have no respect for the motive or impulse) M.P. who answers him.— Punch. STINENCE 1s THe THING. Loox at me! I've nor tastep Wine on Beee ror rears!” Young Hopeful Teetotaller. “Au a wietaxe, Gnanprs’, Totat Ap-

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104 INCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL F222 or ee EN i a | eb a a a a aN 1 iN RN ‘Ng \) Tug . ) th Sy 7 ul "ve ii rite dels DISTURBED BY THE NIGHTMARE; A SILLY HOAX. Suggested by the New Ministry. A VOICE FROM THE LUGGAGE VAN. Sentiment in connection with the shoulder-knot is nothing alto- gether new, but the pathos of the porter’s knot has all the startling nterest of complete novelty. One Britt Bates, who has lately retired from a Railway platform, where he has been accustomed to the ugging about of luggage, has taken his farewell in the following uching circular, It 1s sogood, that we cannot resist the temptation to print it entire. ; “Whiioam Bares, in quitting the service of the ‘Londen and Sontl Weste rm Railway Company, in whose employment he has now been s 4 lesires to «press to the passengers on that Line (and particularly to those from the .T wickenham Station), his gratitude for the urbanity and kindness with which 1! lave ever treated him im the discharge of his duties; and trusts that their approval of his conduct, during the time he has been known to them in his past ser will follow him throughout life—in whatever position he may hereafter occupy “ Twickennam, February, 1852. There is something exquisitely affecting in the enlarged sense of gratitude felt by Bates towards all the passengers on the South- Western Railway—incinding, of course, its various branches and loops -for the “ urbanity and kindness ”’ they have ever shown him in the lischarge of his duties. We do not quite understand how the dis- charge of a porter’s duties could call forth “ urbanity from the publie; ’ but we presume that he never disencumbered a traveller of his carpet- bag without an interchange of those ‘courtesies which give grace to social intercourse. There is a nice touch of discrimination in_ the | expression of particular gratitude towards those from the Twickenham Station, whom be seems to regard as the residuary legatees of all the finest feelings of his nature. He, however, proposes to lead the travellers on the line a “ pretty dance,” when he expresses a hope that hey will “ follow him throughout life, in whatever position he may hereafter occupy.’ [t is expecting, we fear, too much from the public at large, to hope | that ever and anon the question ‘ ‘Where is Bint Bates?” will force | itself on the mind, and lead to the searching of him out, that he may be still praised for the achievements of his c. -past porter-hood. We are rather surprised that he should have retired so abruptly into private life, without some prelimi nary announcement of his intention ; and, indeed, he might have followed the theatrical practice in quitting the Rail lway platform or stage , by going once through the round of his favourite performances. He might have advertised his last appearance, as the “Man with the Carpet-bag;” or taken his farewell of the passengers in a grand luggage delivery, on an extensive scale, for his own benefi A FIDDLE-PATTERN CLERGYMAN. THERE was once a saint called Curysostom—Saint GotpMovutTn, as we should say in the vernacu lar. Our modern establishment can boast of a man of metal—now that California and Australia have comparatively cheapened gold—not much inferior. ‘The existence of this holy personage is revealed by the Heclesiastical Gazette, in an advertisement setting forth, that N M.A., Oxon, who has been in Orders eleven years, and during ths: f time has receiv od Five Public Testimonials of Plate, wishes for a CURACY in an agricultural distriet. Sole charge preferred. For a clergyman of such worth in plate as this, we would propose, 35 a parallel to the name of Curysostom above mentioned, the title of Sttvermuc. We cannot, however, help thinking that “ "Five Public Testimonials of Plate” are not quite so obvious a qualification for 4 curacy in an agricultural district, as they are for the situation of a butler; and it seems that their possessor would be less likely to shine in the Church than in the dinner or tea service. Awkward Mistake. rtunately not made in a Pantomime. A Crows, designing to enter a Rifle Corps, called on Lory Biawxz, Colonel of the 999th, and saying he understood that his Lordship was 4 clothing Colonel, begged tlie noble Lord to measure him for a uniform of invisible green. Tue Asratic Mystery.—Drsraenit being Chaneellor of the Ex- chequer. Pr ated by William Bradbury, ot No. 13, Upper Wesere Place, in the Parian of St. Pascras, and Frederick Mullett Evana, of No.7, Churcs 4>w, Stoke Newington, both in the County of Middlesex, Printers, at ablished by theme at Vo.%S, Fleet Street. in the Sarnch of St. Bride's.» “ee City of Londos.—Saevnvar, March 6th, 1857. O@ce = Lembard Street, 'n the Preeimet of Whitefriars, in the City of London. and P at teat | io ead tld el

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ae |} eu # - = | | With old Sora’ and our foe the Paetenper also, | Whew sock tien Said every r-by, | And the little si + pee up the street, | My Lory Cuter Justice Camps, though, saw through this erafty | CURIOUS NONDESCRIPT SKETCHED AT THE ADMIRALTY. | €Rpense of bringing. home Cleopatra's Needle, has been guided by s|\y every man turning out Sa, age Se aeanes sapiens PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI THE POPISH PLOT AT AYLESBURY. | THE “DERBY” MINISTRY. “Taem’s the} for me!” cried the gentleman at dinner—silent, oon of Priestcraft| till a plate of me te had been set ne him—whom, till he {, Papistry | opened his mouth, a poet had been admiring as the most intelligent- be a tale un- looking man he had ever ey" The remark the illusion; it | old ; | was not a very wise one: there would have some sense in it, The Judges went as applied to Hf Masestr’s new Ministers. For, as y abt !, to Aylesbury, | Gazette observes— the ’sizes for to “ The turf is wonderfully well represented in the present Cabinet, which combines hold ; four of ite stamchest supporters inthe persons of the Prouler, the ‘President of the } The Curey Jus- | Couneil, the Lord Lieutenant of Ireland, and the Master of the Horse.” TICB OF ENG-| ‘The jast-named appointment, dow is filled by a competent thers. LAND, JOHN : Campa, by |e We wish we could say as much of the o' Wisitt/y EN ‘( name, =a - The prisoners there to try, | “PAY FOR YOUR BREAKAGES.” And ~ Jupee| to | in the same | iH i Tag! ig © If this law ra- | Gaol deliver-y. | tion, we do not think the late Lords of the Admiralty would have had to [receive ute, a Hie. oud of one year were in office, out of Now Aylesbury | their year’s . Im fact, the iron ships into calculation, we lies in Bucking. | think that they of the nation) would have been i hamshire, as | ¥ of poche every year they remained in the public service at the | rs ’re aware, Admiralty. LOpe ; And the Smearrr is Scorr Mun- RAY, Esquire, whose trust is | in the Porz, | Who puts faith in the Porg or Brsnor or Rome, That won’t endure, When as my Lords the Justices the station did approach, __ | Lo! there was the Hien Sweater or Bucks, a-waiting with his coach, | Along with his Chaplain, a Romanish priest, Tn his robes of -— : And as many as half of the townsfol at least, That come to see. The Sheriff hands Justice Cromptow up, the popish Priest beside ; Together into Aylesbury town the Jupez and his Revenence ride ; See there goes my Lonp Juper with Guy Fawxes on his seat, rying, Brayvo, Gury To Church the Suzrirr took the Jupez, and then it came to pass, That with his popish Clergyman he drove away to Mass, Hied back before sermon was over to Court, His Lordship to attend ; Where his Roman canonicals venture to sport Did our reverend friend. | NEITHER FISH, PLESH, NOR FOWL ; NOR GOOD RED HERRING, move, And charging the Grand Jury, did the popish trick reprove ; Whereby with contrivance so cunning and keen, = al mt A *twas thought, For a Chaplain to foist, as it were, on the QuEEN ; A Present for Kossuth. But it came to nought. ‘ - Lat Mas. Rev. J. T. pemanye. of Pg on has peated oan ith such a Chaplain by his side, the noble Lonp might seem wit grandson, aged 11 months; “ so trained” for Hungary As though es Sees eae oer eden ; | “as to raise his little hat in honour to God and liberty.” The Magyar And that ’s the condition wherein, as we know, | asks for muskets, but hardly for children in arms. But Mas. Dowanue Most folks that j take; has, doubtless, a shrewd eye for at once profit and glory; and thinks it For who would be enough thither to go, “smart” to turn an olive into a laurel branch ; the more so, as feeb awake ? | laurels may be cultivated from suckers. Long life unto our gracious Queen, and her Carer Justice too, Moby i A COLONIAL MISNOMER. Whom those perfidious papishes in vain have tried to do. | Le consequence of the nature of the intelligence that has for some Whe dremnt, the Sinien wen sery con techs, ' Which nobody can deny ; time past arrived from the Cape of Good Hope, it is in contemplation And he going to sleep as a Protestant, woke to alter the name of the Colony to the Abode of Despair. Up to Pope—ry. we gee = A FIRM POUNDATION. Raruer Inrra Drc.—The Government in refusing to incur the| Ly case of an invasion, the walls of Old England would be formed praiseworthy disinclination to stick it into us. ‘that might be necessary in the way of mortar. Vou. XXII, M

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: ore a ar a aia Laas ” ARN oR ye Rar chee commana seer «wage

| 106 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART

| THE RIME OF PART L

An ancient Mi- nistere meeteth three on their way to y* House, and detaineth one Y* new Pre mier is spell- bound by y* eye of y* old Minis- tere, and con- strained to hear his tale Y° Ministere tells how y* Cabinet got on with a good wind and fair weather Y* new Pre- mier heareth y* debate begin, but t Ministere eth his tale Y* coach near- ipset manie times,

It is an ancient Ministere, And he oe one of three. gs: A thy long face, and warning eye, ow stopp’st thou me?” “ St. Stephen’s doors are opened wide ; Debate will soon begin ; The House is the Speaker set, Mayst see the M.P.s go in.’ He holds him with his skinny hand. “When we were in—” quoth he. “ Hold off—unhand me—good Lorp Jonx,!” Eftsoons his hand dropt he. He holds him with his warning eye ; Six Rupert he stood still, And —=< with an ear resigned— The Ex-Ministere hath his will. Sra Rorzat he sat there with a groan ; He cannot choose but hear, As thus si on that meager man, The Whig Ex-Ministere : “The Ins were cheered, the Outs were queered; Merrily did we stop _ A question here, a motion there ; Nor Estimates need lop. ““ The Opposition they were left In a minority ; And as for Baicut, when he showed fight, The House was all with me. “ Higher and higher, every day, Till that Loan P—m—nst—n—” Here Rurrrt supprest a look distrest, For the Debate was on. Sta Rvvert supprest his look distrest, For he cannot choose but hear ; And thus spoke on that meager man, The Whig Ex-Ministere : “Now Mra. B—1ii—k came, and he Got up a case so strong ; And then L--xe K—ve, he had his fling The county votes among. “ And, to the pressure forced to bow, I came out with a sort of vow, That, if they ’d not insist on ’t now, But put his Bill to bed, The Session past, Id give at last, My own Reform ins

THE ANCIENT MINISTERE, “ The country, though, why I don’t know, Seemed to grow wondrous cold ; And that was why | thought I’d try That Durham letter bold. “Tt was my drift to get a lift By help of Church and Quam ; But wisest men will, now and then, Go down two stools between. “The Pore was here; the Church was there; Dissent was all around ; And Ireland growled, and Maynooth howled, And we got quite aground. “Then [ must own, Lonp P—ia—net—» Unto our succour came ; If he sometimes put us in the hole, He oftener play’d our game. “ He cheer’d our friends—our foeshe met; Gave dinners, soirées too ; Heal’d many a split, made many a hit; In fact, he pull’d ’d us through. “ When words and wind I couldn’t find, Lorp P—iM—nst—yw would follow; And rattling away, half grave, half gay, Carried many a question hollow. “Tn storm and cloud, uncheck’d, uneow’d, ‘ “9 a . few y: i our a nd still show’d fight night ter t, When I thought we must resign. nig “ Now, save thee, ancient Ministere, What means that bitter groan ? Why look’st thou so?” “ Remorse and woe! I threw over P—im—azet—n!”

—————————————=—“ Le “=

PART IL. “* Another Session now drew nigh ; To Council gather’d we. One man [ mist, and all I'd left, Together, were less than he. “Oft words and wind [ should fail to find ; But no P—LtM—ast—» would Nor any day, half grave, half gay, Win us a victory hollow, “ And I had done a foolish thing, And it would work ’em woe; For all averr’d they had never heard Worse grounds than I bad to show. ‘Ah, shame!’ said they, ‘to cast away. A man who served us so! “A motion dread hung o’er our head, Which Ga—yr could not resist. Then all averr’d, when we came to be heard, How P—um—ust—n would be mist ; ‘*Twas wrong,’ said they, ‘to fling away The best name on our list.’

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARTVARL

“T scarcely knew what we should do That fourth of February ; To avert the storm, [ broach’d Reform, And explain’d what the Bill would be. “Down came the Press; the House came down "Twas cold as cold could be : And none did speak, unless to wreak His wrath on Sehedule B. “ All in a small mimorit "T'was clear we'should be soon ; And the country seorned to reach its hand To take so small a boon. “Day after day, day after day, We awaited that Cape motion ; For my how tosteer the ship, T hadn’t the feast notion.

when my turn to answer came, And he divid-

\touse was cold as ice. oth ageins: y* ‘The game is I*vewon, |’ve won!” — ee Quoth he—and im a trice “Oat go the whips; M_P.s rush out, Y* whippers-in Wie Warren end Lorp Marx; Saleen = © And from their whispers soon | see = ‘That things are looking dark. “ And while the votes are adding

up, We wait ; for *twixt the lip and cup Full often comes a slip. ene Taver look’d blank, sick with fright, bieeself in “ey noritie.

Y* Tapers and Tadpoles in their sore distresse would faine throw y* whole guilte on y* ancient Ministere, in sign whereof P-um B- ets is flung in his teethe. A wearie Time followeth, and the | end of ve Minie- | trie seemeth to drawe nighe. Y* ancient Mi- nistere hath an idea. A flash of joy. Y* ancient Mi- Distere propound- eth hisidea, which | looketh feasible. Bat ye aveng- ing bottle-holdere And Tappo.e’s face in the gas gieam’d white ; From his brow the dew did drip.

“ Grumbling, grumbling everywhere, In a minority we are, And all my friends did shrink— In spite of Haytex’s and Lorp Man- Grumbling, grumbling everywhere ; —cus’ energetic whip ! A fact that none could blink. " oe wpe their places gone, alt sitar ano “ Ah, well-a-day! in what bad book ith stifled groan and sigh ; BA oi Was I with vd ~ 1 oo Each turn’d his face with a ghastly pang, ol Tadpoles go And, by every one, Loxp P—im—nstT—w And reproach’d me with his eye.

Into my teeth was flung!

PART IIL. “Then passed a weary time ; each vote Was told; defeat seemed nigh. A weary time—a weary time— And Appertey drew nigh ; When, lo! methought I found a dodge To give him the go-by ! ** My friends they quaked ; their fate seemed staked On that Cape motion still ; Some were for bringing in fresh blood ; Some for throwing over Grey or Woop ; I cried, ‘ A Bill—a Bill!’ “ Their hopes awake; they cease to quake ; Agape they heard me call ; Gramercy! they for joy did grin; And what the Bill | would bring in, Demanded one and ail. “** See, see!” I cried, ‘this talk of war, Turned to account with skill,

—_—

, : be “ From Treasury Bench condemned to fly, Leavinge the tf oh to divic : - weight <« r “Oe Mite Be Their salaries forego : 3 Sey e P ? Each seem’d to say, as he ’d me by, cent Ministere “ And well-nigh desperate seem’d our game ; ‘It’s all your fault, you Enow.” Yet something might be done : — ren | It was upon a Friday night The Ministere who’s lost the fight, My motion I brought on ; Whose office-life is o’er, When ’twixt leave for the Bill and me, Is gone. and now Sin Ruvent turns Up started P—itu—nst—» ! Into St. Stephen’s door,

“Straight the whole House broke out in cheers, He looks like one that hath been bored ; In spite of his disgrace ; But bores must still be borne.’ He our Bill, and with a sneer — Let ’s hope he’ll be a wiser man

Proposed his in its place. Than try protecting Corn.

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108 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI Why Whi SS 2 4 ~ i USS a OT), V4 aM i, bh y 4 / 7 Y YU | 1 MMe \\| S it SS | { nn ———a 7 rr) les mug . ‘is Railway Oficial. “You’p Bette wot Smoxz, Sr!” Traveller. ““ Tuat’s waat my Farewps say.” Railway Oficial. “ But rou mustw’T Smoxe, Sin!” TALK AT THE TUILERIES. M. Gorzor, as the head of the French Academy, has introduced the Marquis pe MontataMpert (fo the Paesipenr. President. 1 am charmed with any occasion that brings M. Guizor to the Palace. Would that his visits—elevating and structive as they must ever be—were more frequent ! M. Guizot bows. President. For the glory of French letters, [ must permit myself to hope that M. Gurzor continues his History of the English Revolution ? Cromwe tt, M. Guizor, was a great man? M. Guizot. 1 am in possession, Prince Prestpent, of original papers bearing upon the political apeny of Oriver CaomweLt. President, 1 am delighted with the assurance. Yes, CromweL. was a great mam. Nature produces few such men. CromweLL—wmy uncle, and—and—perhaps, another. M. Guizot bows, President, There can be little doubt, M. Guizor, of Craomwett’s | tendencies. Having c the property of the Sruanrs—I be- | lieve he sold Caantes tue Fimst’s wardrobe by Dutch auction—| Oxiver looked to the Crown. Had he lived a few months longer, | there would have been a coronation in Westminster Abbey. Yes. | CaoMWELL was a great man ? WV. Guizot bows. President, And you have original papers further illustrating his po- litical greatness? I am delighted to know it. M.Guizor will, I am sure, reveal the true political philosophy of Cromweu’s coup d’ état 7 [ mean, when he knocked down Whitehall with forty-two pounders— raked the Strand with grape—shot a thousand of the canaille in St. James’s Park—and shipped all the Cavalier Members of Parliament, and Oxford and Cambridge, to the Bermudas? You will, of course, give | all this, M. Guizot, when— M. Guizot (with a very low bow). When I find it. [Zreunt severally. Tue Loxc Vacatioy.—The Throne of France. Bo RRR At SSA SSS SSMUACG ~ S if 4 Wil YUM) (PDix be y ~~ Me YY == LMG i ‘Zz ' . ify . YW KM hte c/ j m4 hi oN N { v VARA ne My IN Nr de De 4 Rid 029 hd A Wh LLL, Ve EEG lL Jha Mg y/ — — _—_— _— .- Vhs eo XN vis: SS ss sikh = s x. hs 3/9 = Traveller. “So my Doctor TELLs mB.” Railway Official (indignantly). “ Bur vou smanw’rT Swoxe, Siz!” Traveller, “Au! “Ust wHat mY Wire says.” A SNOB IN THE INSOLVENT COURT. Tue Courts of Bankruptcy and Insolvency afford to the gentlemen who preside in them numerous opportunities for visiting poverty and misfortune with that contumely which a lofty sense of affluence and respectability entertains for those meannesses. It is not often, how- ever, that the gentlemen in question avail themselves of the chance of thus reading the unlucky and the indigent a moral lesson. In the following brief report, however, given by the Morning Post, of a case which occurred the other day in the Insolvent Debtors’ Court, it will be seen that one Commissioner at least, meeting with such an occasion, did not fail to improve it. “INSOLVENT DEBTORS’ COURT. Manen 3. “(Before the Cuinv Commissiowsn.) “* Aw Assistant.’—A respectable-looking young man applied, under the Protection Act, to be relieved from a few debts. “ The Caisr Commissions asked him who he was? “ The Insolvent said—A hosier’s assistant. “ Curer Commissiowen—A what? “ INsOLVENT—Aun assistant, Sir. ‘Carer Commissions2—How grand you are! I suppose you sell stockings behind a counter ? “ twsotvenrt— Yes, Sir, and other things. “Cutze Commiagiovern—Then you are a ‘ shopman,’ “The Insolvent acknow that he was a shopman. “The Commisstowen named a day for the final order.” It is very true that “assistant” is the term commonly applied toa young man serving in a hosier’s or linen-draper’sshop. But it is much too genteel a designation for a beggarly wretch - 4 sells stockings behind a counter, and besides is reduced to the shameful necessity of taking the benefit of the Insolvent Act. It was natural that the Com- missioner, with the feelings of a statutable tleman, should exciaim, “ How grand you are!” on hearing such a fellow describe himself by so decent a name. Indeed, even “shopman” is a title more dignifi than ought to be conferred on a contemptible pauper that comes up to be whitewashed, hesiing been, antecedently, in a situation so sufficiently disgraceful as that of a hosier’s servant. The only wonder is, that Ma. Cater Commissionen did not insist on this despicable individual’s “ acknowledging ” himself to be a “ counter-jumper.”

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TREUTE) THE PROTECTION GIANT. “Fer, Fi, Fo, Fum ! I smextt tHe Bioop or an EnGiisHman ; Be ue Auive, on se ue Dean, I’xtu orinp ais Bonzs TO MAKE MY en Mancu 13, 1859.

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ln sheath beni RTE TR Pains yt é é . up to Will

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. THE WELLINGTON STATUE AND THE | NEW SONG OF THE HEART, QUARTERN LOAF. POR YOUNG LADIES, F Somesopy has published a new ballad, called “ Wilt Thow Linger Rom ~ mischance, a Near Me?” Somebody else bas produced another, under the title of contemplative phi-| “ Hither Come,” In drawing-room vocal music there is a general ten- losophy —_ extracts | deney to glorify the feeling of sympathy. Something too much of this. om, even a8 A wholesome antipathy—even sentimentally considered—is a laudable chemistry obtains | affection in its way : a salutary corrective of the softer emotions: a fine medicine from poi-| prophylaetie for Young ladies against foreign counts, and other adven- sons. Thus con- turers, “ Rise,” then, “honest Muse, and sing”—just for a change— sidered, sweet and somewhat in the antipathetic vein. Instead of “Hither Come,” let the comforting are the canticle be, for example— uses of that ugly lump of bronze, | WILT THOU BE OFF’. ee gy wa Wilt thou be off? 1 know thou comest : Because thou thinkest Papa bath cash; on Statue, on 0 lingt Rutland Arch In talking sweet thou only hummest : “trata the ae ee nations. Simple, Pale be . . ag guileless, blunder- headed Butt —after much ges- ticulation, much vehement stamp- ing of double-soled top -boots, much thundering denunciation of the projected site for the Ugliness | —was won into sullen consent that | the thing should have a proba-| tionary trial. _ “My good fellow, why all this or indignation ? Only suffer us to put i chance may be. up the statue, and if it is proved to be an eyesore,—why, my dear, good Falla la, lal la! Fiddle de dee! &c, } creature, can’t we take it down again ?” “Weil, but,” says Buus, “ will you take it down again ?” “Will we take it down again? My dear fellow, what a question! Will we take it down again? What a question \—Of course we'll take AN EDITOR AT A DISCOUNT. . Wall then, I—but it’s only for a trial, you know ?”— Tue Protectionists advertised the other day for an Editor for a | “Oh, only a trial—Honour ! | Protectionist Paper, who was to receive, by way of “ to begin Up goes the statue; and Bux, chuckling, cries—“ There, I knew it ¥'%® fifty pounds per annum.” 1 offer fifty t is all very well to —I said so. Can anything be more ugly? No more life in the metal| *7° begin with;” but it is obvious, that to “go om” with such than in a coffin-plate. I told youso. But you’ve had your trial, and now a salary would be quite ~ ye n ry _—- call upon -_ —when—I say when are you going to take the statue down again ? to write im favour of dear U > “Take the statue down, rn P” : “Yes, take it down? You know pee said you would—the trial arpa pease was all upon yey - know. Apa ask you once and for all, when ine.te A 9° ee. are you going to monster down again?” lee ? “Ma. But, does it not strike you, that to remove the statue of the | ae Lp would, perhaps, be ee Noble Duke and his generous war-horse, would be nothing more than | 9% ay bee oi os a pe cnnem. light an insult—a ceremonious insult—to the exalted inhabitant of Apsley | beadile do qu ] A XE @ red —_ Prot ugh ahs rs ban House? Can you, Mz. Bout, pretend to enter into the feelings of | cadledom, condescend to the situation of a Protectionist Editor ; disgust, indignation, and amazement of that illustrious man, when, | 94 we think it, therefore, unfair of any one to complain of the salary n, ; f about to shave himself at dayb he looks forth from his dressing. | beimg inadequate to the article required. room window, and first sees the effigy—his metallic other self abased, | SRL. 3 MBE Ee removed, or a8 you coarsely word it,—taken down?” «Well, but you know you said—— | | MANCHESTER AND THE MINISTRY. _ “Don’t talk nonsense, Mz. Buty! My d man, your brain must be softening. I ask you—ha! ha!—co fa sits upo Ouke down? Shall we, then?” League, improving upon this historical fact, has sent a seat to the “Fiddlestiek! Napotzon’s nothing to do with the question. You! Eant or Denny, to be used by the Premier at Cabinet Comncils, said the thing should come down if——” The seat is of a peculiar sign of material, illustrative of the “Come down! The Duke come down! Badajoz—Vittoria—Sala-| probable short, yet timely, fate of the Densy Ministry. We give a manca—Torres Vedras— Waterloo, and—and the Duke come down!” | very reduced cut of the present, “Then you will not remove ?”—— | “Yes, we will: we’ll remove the scaffolding to-morrow. But, as = Sp for ’ statue, we’ve got it up, and—you ’|i pardon the joke, Mz. Buti LA — —and up it remains.” And so, people of England, is it with the Deasy Ministry. We are . Gu N Co TTO = “y to press the question of 4 Ly Loe a we are j vised just to let them have a trial. People of England, we say no. a f iy C Ly, te At once bring the question to issue. Be instructed by that uplifted Jo the Rt! Hom. . tha Cah of Lowy U; liness at Hyde Park Corner—that deformity that experience may = - a stil convert into a Mentor—and admit of no delay. As with the bronze, so will it be with the bread. Let the Dexsy Ministry once get up the quartern loaf, and, like the Hyde Park metal—up it will | remain, Money Market and City Nonsense. Mowrep men say, that considering the present state of affairs in| Tue danger of abolishing the property qualification for Members of » it iwecsniast to them to see that the French funds exert a Parliament is this,—that if some of our legislators were to be without favourable influence on our Three Per Cents; but surely this is a their property qualifieation, they would have no other qualification lw er. deceitful consol—ation. ee POLZON himself take the) Tse Lomp Cmancerion sits upon a woolsack. The Manchester |

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ba "ng eg ne and, laying them PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL | A SHAMEFUL CASE OF PIRACY. (To the Bilitor of Poxcn.) ontHy Sir—“L am! the Manager of the Marionnette Theatre. Loath as I am to leave my little family of Woops (almost as many as there were in the Rossetx Ad- ministration), I am| compelled, in self-de- fence, to .ppear before | the Curtain, and to make that appeal to a! British Public, which, when a Manager makes | it, is never made in| vain. “T have a serious charge (and a Mana-| ger’s charges, I can) tell you, Sir, are very | serious things) to| make against the EaRt | or Deasy. I delibe- rately accuse the pre-| sent Prime Minister of England of wilfully | plagiarising my idea of | the ‘ Marionnettes.’ I call upon any one, who has the smallest know- | ledge of puppets, to | run his eye down the list of the New Ministry, and to say, with his hard upon his heart, ~— my idea of the Marionneties has not been shamefully stolen for the formation of it ? “Let us take the puppets, one by one—let us separate this Protectionist Bundle of Sticks— | tely on our knee, test their soundness for office. “There is the Eart or Lowspaue, a diamond-coronetted Marionnette of the very first water. 1 have just such a Nobleman in my Establishment (which I beg you will come | and see), which cost me, diamonds and all, exactly 15s. 6¢., and which, if the Eart or Dersy | had asked me, he might have had, at a small advance upon the prime cost. I am sure he} would do the work of Lord President just as well as the Eant or Lonspaxe, and, probably, | much better—for he doesn’t speak. “The next Marionnette is Lorp Matmessury (another Lord!). He is Secretary for | Foreign Affairs; and, coming after PaLmerston—and even Graxvitte—I must say he | shines as a Marionnette of the very smallest dimensions. I wouldn’t have him at any price. | “Mr. Watpore is another. He is Home Secretary. I know nothing of Mra. Watpote | personally, and I am told he is a very good barrister ; and, as such, I should dress him up in| a black gown, with a horse-hair wig, and send him on, with a roll of papers in hishand. But, | though that may be applauded at my little Theatre, and might gO down tolerably well, | with a few set speeches about the ‘ British Lion,’ * Britannia,’ and the ‘Sun that never) sets,’ &c., I doubt if it is sufficient to constitute a Home Secretary! “Then there is Lonp Jonnw Manners. Another Lord! It would really seem as if the Ministry had been compounded out of that “old Nobility,” for which his Lordship prayed | that Wealth, Commerce, and everything in the country might die first, sooner than it should be taken away from us! Lorp Joun is the Marionnette of the Woods and Forests ; and| he may have a sympathy for them, as the material of which he is made may, probably, | have been selected from those very domains. Of his Lordship, in private life, I know less than any one of the posts he has controul over in Hyde Park; but I am told he is a} talented young pupil, of the Young England School—where little boys, from the ages of | forty to fifty-five inclusive, are educated at so much a quarter, with something extra, I suppose, for “ MANNERS.’ “Of Mr. Disrazui I had rather not speak. I am told he has been connected with the Press; and, as 1 entertain the profoundest respect for all ‘the gentlemen of the Press,” [' think ‘it will only be oy to hold my tongue about his faults, ifa ‘gentleman of | the Press’ can have any. But this much I consider myself at liberty to say,—I am informed | that Mr. Disrazit is, also, a literary Gent. To prove, then, the high sense I entertain, in common with others, of his brilliant talents, I shall he happy to engage him, to write pieces | for my establishment ; or, if he will come and do the talking behind the scenes, (and I’m told he talks very cleverly), I will promise to give him his own terms. “But what are we to say of the Duxe or Nortuumsertanp for the First Lord of the eee, There ’s a fine Marionnette for you! Why, | doubt if he can even dance the rnpipe ! _ Or what can we advance in favour of Lonp Harpwicxe (another Lord!) for the Post Office? Another Marionnette of the very softest wood, scarcely qualified to do the work of anything so hard as the Post. j r last, not least, comes Srr Jonw Paxrveotox, a fine country Marionnette, such as we yy Oy up with a white waistcoat, a red face, a large bunch of seals, and top-| boots. He the management of the forty-four Colonies of England; and I cannot make out what they have done to deserve so severe a punishment ! “ There are several other Marionnettes —dummies of the fine old Conservative model ; but, | shameful case of pi | enjoyed the Sir, I think I have said enough to prove the that has been committed upon my property. have spent hundreds to bring it to perfection; and what for ?—merely to enable Lory Dersy to come and pilfer my perfected designs ! “ But I shall yet be revenged! When Loz | Dersy begins to pull the strings of his puppets, he will find how difficult they are to manage. They will be kicking right and left—some will be falling, others will be completely doubled up— and he will only be glad to call in my assistance to keep them on their » “ It is very —— ionnette ae aion cannot exist, to be properly supported, in the same metropolis. Mine was the Rest in the field, and has already enjoyed the confidence of the public for two months, Lorp Dersy’s has been only a fortnight before the town, and has never of the public a single minute. large as it is, is not large enough to support two companies of Marion. nettes. Therefore, either Lornp Densy must retire, or else J must! I leave it to a generous and discriminating British Public (to which a British Manager never appeals in vain) to decide which ! “T remain, Sir, “ Strong in the consciousness of a just cause, “ Your very ill-used Servant, “Toe ManaGer oF THE MARIonNETTES. “P.S. To prove I bear no malice, if Loxp Densy likes to make me an offer to combine his Marionnettes with mine, I shall be very happy to entertain his proposal. The seat of power, of 5 to be transferred to the Lowther Arcade !” FABLES FOR THE PROTECTIONISTS. The Countryman and the Snake, Aw Agriculturist, one day, A Snake encountered on the way ; The creature lay upon the ground, In dull and torpid stupor bound. It seem’d incompetent, in fact, To make a motion or to act ; *T was brought completely to a stand, Type of a burden on the land. The Agriculturist, at length, to give the creature strength ; So took it up and — press’d The Snake to his confiding breast. At length, in an unlucky hour, en creature was restored to power, nd acting an Sam ey part, Stung the confiding rustic’s heart. “Is this your gratitude ?—Oh fie!” Was then the Agriculturist’s cry : “T succour’d you, and you should learn To give protection in return. Take this,”—and as the word he said, He knock’d the creature on the head ; The Snake, for mercy vainly cried, Kssay’d to sting, and, hissing, died. Alarming Intelligence. A NEWSPAPER paragraph announces that “Me. Witiram Facas, in his address to the constituents of the county of Cork, says that he shall always be found fighting by the side of Suanmaw Caawrorv.” What are Mr. Facay’s de of enti tleman, side of anot gen’ i calculated to create terror and minds of Her Maszsty’s English to cause anxiety that he should to keep the peace, until we son of Erin means—whether politics it is. retry safite” veri

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uw eoreoe"-. & “-“M Oo =o Tea ns a2 a ras or & ae ewan eeaads & 1 PROTECTION OF OLD ENGLAND BY YOUNG ENGLAND. oRD Joun Manwers, very pro-| perly going backward for | great precedents and deter- mining to show the country that he is learned in other matters than the old forest laws, is about to call the attention of the House of Commons to a long-negleeted statute of Epwagp THE Turep, which provides Ao- bellarix, or Hoblers, for the Cinque Ports, These efficient but too long negleeted men are, according to Cowen, “tyed by tenure to maintain a little nagge, for the certi- fying of any invasion by enemies or such like peri toward the sea.” We to be sure, the eleetric tele- graph; but there lingers an air of the picturesque about the Hobellarit on their “little nagges” that must be dear to the patriotic heart throbbing beneath the white waistcoat of Young England. His Lordship further intends to move for a correct return of the number of h bowmen at Agincourt, with a view to the re-organisation of that heroic force, the archery of the oldem time. Yew-trees may be said to be looking up. We further understamd that this revived means of protecting the country, will come imbo forse simultaneously with the revived Corn Laws. Then, Protection will be complete, THE SALE AT THE CRYSTAL PALACE. Wuewn we saw the auctioneer’s placards desecrating the erystal, or rather staining the glass, of the Great Exhibition building, we felt a sort of eurdling of the blood—a kind of figurative conversion of it into cold cream—at the idea of our pet palace being besieged by the broad- sides of the bill-sticker. When we observed the word Mareriats, in gigantic letters, announced to be knocked down by the hammer of the auctioneer, we thought the ic were ninny-hammers themselves for not protesting against the sacrifice. ; On attending the sale, we discovered that the materials are, in fact, the mere immaterials used as the te fittings-up, and that we put a Wro construction on the word “ materials,” when we supposed it to Es. . nean the iron and glass used in the construction of the building. On our enti we found it was like looking for the point of a needle in a magnum of hay, to search for the auctioneer in the vast area of the | Crystal Palace. After having taken a walk of some four or five miles | in the course of an exploring expedition, we thought we saw signs of | habitation in a small patch of land to the south-west of the Transept, | and on our nearing the spot, we fancied we heard the sound of a human voice. Presently, familiar words, “ Geing—geing!” struck | ipon our ear, and we found ourselves on the outskirts of a small group ot human beings, oneof whom was raised on a small platform on wheels, | horsed by a bricklayer’s. labenrer, and frem jot to lot, | with a small gang of bidders dangling after it. Upon our going into the | select circle, the auctioneer had just drawn up opposite-a sumil pile of leal-boards, and was in the midst of an eloquent oration over the “stack of aseful wood” that lay before him. After entreating for some minutes a price for the “useful wood,” and asking, almost.in despair, if “ nobody would bid?” a spirited speculator offered a few shillmgs, and, without much competition, became the purchaser. TheJlabourer who horsed the platferm, then’ jogged on to the next lot, which was “another staek of useful wood ; ” and this being disposed of, he proceeded in a sort of lazy trot to “the next station,” which proved to be the interesting locality of “28 boards, various.” The variety presented nothing very charming; and, as the catalogue consisted ro cer pages of “ ditto,” weleft the little group of bidders to join the large majority who were seattered about at lifferent points for the purpose of admiring the building. The sale itself attracted the few, while the salle m whieh the sale was held, formed the real object of interest, Now and then @ passing | ady, hearing the words “valuable beading” drop from the lips of the auctioneer, made a random bid, with the vagne idea that the “ beading’”’ | night turn out to be a very valuable necklace; and, in one instance, | 4 misguided female purchased “ten triangular painted sashes,” under ‘he idea that she had got a cheap lot of handsome ribbon. ; Toast ayy Sewrrwent ron tHe Tea Taute.—* May the Toast of | he evening always be a Satty Luxw!” , — 113 THE POETICAL COOKERY BOOK. GREEN PEA SOUP. Am—* The ley Green.” On! a splendid Soup is the true Pea Green ;} I for it often call ; And up it comes in a smart tureen, When | dine in my banquet hail. * When a leg of mutton at home is boil’d, The liquor I always keep, And in that liquor (befone tis spoil’d) A peck of peas I si When boil’d till tender they have been, I rub through a sieve the peas so green. Though the trouble the indolent may shock, I rub with all peoers And having retary them to the steck, I stew for more than am hour : Then of younger peas | take some mane, The mixture to improv in a little time LATIN FOR LAWYERS. | Ix the Court of Bankruptcy, the other day, Mn. Commissioner GovutpuRN made a remark of a degree of importance sufficient to require at least our attention. Mr. Munray, who ed for the assignees in a certain case, said that the affairs of the rupt, on a particular day, “ Were transferrad to the official assignee, and withont the slightest trouble on the part of that officer, £17,329 2». 6d. were placed in his hands.” | The Commassionzn.— The whole of the amount, uso atu, as it | There is a ing in this. Flatus is a strong i Uno fatu, a one pull, or one blast Thus either the fatal facility, or the destructive ruthlessness, with which the law effects a transfer of property, is suggested; though whether it was the one or the other the learned Commissioner had in view, we don’t know. We say, learned Commissioner, advisedly ; because those who know nothing of the law but its Latin, might imagine that he said wno “ flatu,” for uno “jolu,” meaning, “at one blow.” Quod foret, as a modern Classic remarks, camis Latinus pessime descroptionss. A CLANDESTINE PARLIAMENT. Ir is rumoured that Louis Naroteow intends to decree that the in ings of the new French Legislative Assembly shall take place ay air, as the North American Indians hold a Palaver. The scene suggested for their deliberations is the plai the Prescpent laid the foundation of his present authority with cham- pagne and savelo A cordon of troops will the people several my 4 yards’ . ay the debates : so ~ ae 9 Eee of t at ond the reports authorised ——— {ranspire. panes whieh | has dictated this somewhat nov arrangement is, the danger of publicity which would be incurred if the Assembly were to meet in any hall or chamber: for there cannot be rooms without walls; and walls, proverbial wisdom has informed Ma. Bonaragte, have ears. A Shaky Condition. Ix is not to be wondered at that the Porm feels his position to be anything but firm; for, imstead of bis having been fixed im his place ty real Roman Cement, he has been merely dabbed down where he is w a little Plaster of Paris. Two or «a Traps Never Acnee.—The Autocrat of Russia and Monsteva Louis NaoLson ave already quarreiling. ,

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me | 114 rs PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARTVARE MEN AND APES. Is a notice of Mn. Huc’s Souvenirs 7m Voyage dans la Tartarie, le Thibet, et la Chine, mention is made by Blackwood of an extra ordinary mode of salutation practised by the dk wamate to mapovering Sip best, comets ot te tongue, seratching right ear; | operations are performed simultaneously.” You call this sort of greeting extremely idiotic: "you say you cannot conceive rational beings de. vy. in the Gardens, impossible NS to any creature but a zany m a pantomime | Bema) 1 Titer | saluting the spectators. It is painful to you to rp Pr 5 _. | imagine the divine i degrading itself, out of , i Nigh a) s 4 | | |serious complaisance, by making faces in this {ih MN il : Halil \\ , > : way like a fool. v LTT | els ee Ah! did you ever see a Lorp CaaMBeERtas cams eenessoessesesge iis’ oY | walking backwards before the face of Royalty. >a J | as the crab crawis ? } sites A Parochial Autocrat. | ; 2 | Wnart is Louis Napoteom to call himself vgn Vl te ©. = - when he shall have consummated his despotism ’ tH AND ‘ ’ == Not Empznon, if he is w: Pa ve ee Aa || ~. Oo 4 is _ . ‘ 15 ‘ Sh in ; een iy ‘ ; ete ' = 2 E the common accusation Tere u-€ J (aveSy f)) wes == |plagiarist of his Uncle. We can help him in sag ii V , = = (his difficulty. “He rules the French people as on AN A —— — if they were children: let him then take the appropriate title of Beapte of France. i Gus (who is always 0 full of his nonsense). “Dasu uy Buttons, Ercan! tuat’s a Srunnine ~ . ’ . Ion ras, ” o | Waistcoat. I wisn rou’p Give us vour Tattor’s Appress ! “ ENGLAND’s Weaxvyess.”—The strongest Ellen. “Dow? rou Be nupe, Sir—anp Take rour AagMs ovr THE Praxo.” proof of this is the present Ministry. ) > r TTT | have anything to do with any lawyer again. If these people would THE CHEAP LAW DELUSION. anny t — ote = pore the a. ——_ not be - —_ Cuar law turns out to be a mere hoax, after all, and the County to’ deal with them, and the amount of employment for them Courts are nothing more than so many mockeries, delusions, and snares ; Pog be much greater; but — the te eaten one feels for, though nominally the costs are limited, they are in reality as exor-| @®* ™ somg ven | wat lr td ho who will b ren te Pleo : bitant as ever. The County Court Judges can only order a moderate | coo this hander 7 & ro baeree foe ded sum to the lawyers; but these harpies may drag their victims into | 208ts; , pon 1s Seat it h neat ob mee A be Were re . Westminster Hall, forthe purposes of plunder, and bring actions there | ** CD€C*; mp we that + * Hal _- that the law which’. GES many for costs to any amount, incurred in proceedings before the inferior | 0 Fecovered in Westminster Hall, was supposed tribunals. | to limit them is a dead letter, the work of Law Reform has to be done _ ‘The wretched litigant is lured, by the exhibition of a cheap tariff,| Lover again. We therefore call upon our old friend, Brovedam, 9 into a County Court; but when he thinks he has paid his bill, according | R—sor leave the task 00 as. to the moderate scale set before him, he may be pounced upon, and | SSS hurried off to the Queen’s Bench, Common Pleas, or Exchequer, where he will yryteny Fm —— — not half om “a him, oe don’t THE BLACK HOLE AT EDMONTON. M mean to let him off so cheaply as he supposed. We have heard a good | se ic’s olfactory nerves deal of the ticketing system in certain swindling shops, where an article | ian wes i PS “ Goupwen’s Preserves,” | is marked in the window at a low price, as a bait to the unwary, who, When Edmonton per-schol’s horrors disclose . | when he once gets into the clutches of the fraudulent gang, is not} A worse mess to the moral and physical nose. allowed to get out again until he has been plundered to a serious | : ‘ extent. Here, where misery and filth with debauchery reign, | Such is the use that—contrary to the intention of the legislature | We have more than the Tooting ease over again ; | —the lawyers seem to be making of the County Courts. These} Such a den we no Infant Asylum will « seen areaate ve been opened with an wea e t of cheap ~~ pro- | But a youth’s Pandemonium—Depravity ings, and the practitioners attract customers by inviting the latter to . : “Look here! a complete suit for two guineas.” Many of the public are You may try to com out ee eee: | thus induced to go in for the purpose of permitting their legal measures Where the Strand { wffex é the med whilst ak : to be taken at what they believe to be a fair and moderate price. No But not pag you'll effect, to the p ist you keep, | sooner, however, have they been suited or non-suited, as the case may Of providing for paupers so mons y cheap. | be, than they are burried through aback door, into the great monster What ’s good will bear its priee—education or beef, | concern in Westminster Hall, where the same suit is “tried on again | Or medieal science for parish relief : | and instead of the moderate price ticketed up in the minor place If you pay a low figure you'll get an ill smell ; business, all the old exorbitant demands—that have been the scandal at ire ; | of the profession for ages—are found to be in full force; there we are! For 6 Vargain dirt cheap, mast be nasty as well se upon v. submit to the apo imposition » apes y a | = pea “ Costs as between attorney and client,” which might as weil be “claims as between wolf mn lamb.” ; Wavel lntelligenes. _ Here the client finds that every note he has written blaming his ctemagl We are informed by the German papers, that the “Gemman Fuset | for inattention or needless delay, which has elicited a common-place| 1 0R Satz.” Seances, the eminent boat-builders of Lambeth, have shuffling reply, has ex him to a series of charges of three-and-}Seut in a liberal tender for the purchase of it. We may shortly ex sixpence for each epistle ; and then it is that he comes resolutely to the} therefore, to see the German Fleet safely anchored off Westminster determination—which is the real cause of the ruin of the attorneys— . With this strong reinforcement, our various rowing ciabs that sooner than submit to so much fraud and imposition, he will never! may,be able to get up a Thames Negatta next year. Bradbury, Woburs Pestah aneeen, enh Seabees 7, Churen County of Middlesex, Printer, st ‘> sey hy — Seek ts the Proctems ad Wattonuaee te tho Coe ee wana Stennis Punch ot St, Brides in the Ovey of Lowton,-Satennas march 13th, 22%

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gFFoh5 ANG Fas 75 Fesd os Le s = OS aS ee Tes ee |! THE (PROTECTIONIST) SEA-SERPENT. oh \ WA havi PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI . — |facility of speuting—very like a whale, | several paws, which it had a tend to qurtling it came near; and the head, upon examination, proved eytremely offensive, ng got into very bad odour in a very short space of time. cA Ke As A iene’ Te. L) - (ne | 4 Naw ee yy ey ee — —- V3 == __ ARS Nee oe One ef our Foreign Correspondents, who, being never at home, is almost always out, has | sent us the following :— Quite at Sea, March 6th. Having been engaged in asearch for another Hippopotamus, or Sea-Horse, and being on the look-out, therefore, for mares’ nests, I was disturbed in the rather Pacific Ocean of polities, by acry of “ White water!” I immediately perceived a few empty bubbles on the surface; and knowing there was nothing in them, | expected them to subside, when a native, named Jack Russe.t, who had been for some time at the helm, cried out, “ Look! look ! Me see too much! too much! Me no see all dat feller, me ’fraid!” : Upon this he suddenly abandoned his post, though [ told him it was a mere nothing he was frightened at ; but he still persisted, exclaiming, “ Dat feller!—too big! me ’fraid!” and he would not be persuaded to “stand by” any longer. At length I discovered the object of his | alarm, which consisted of a heavy, but apparently feeble, body, with a head of astounding thickness, and a tail that made as much stir and commotion as possible, by wagging itseif about very furiously, as if to urge on the head, which showed signs of being reluctant to proceed. Watching it narrowly, I saw that the body and tail were so cumbersome, that they threatened to drag down the head, which could only by the greatest effort—and by rising up —s to the rest of the body—keep itself above water. t soon became obvious that the Protectionist Sea-Serpent had made its appearance; and Richarp Coppen, the mate of the Free-trader—which happened to come alongside—began urging his companions, with all his eloquence, to have “a try at the fellow,” and dispose of | the Serpent off-hand. Let me say, to their credit, that every one got ready for the enter- | prise, except a few, who were for giving the creature time to show whether he intended making an attack. Seeing the preparations that were being made, the Serpent tried to get away bya side) wind, and stood off, expecting, no doubt, to be lost sight of for a time, with a view of playing | us a nasty trick when we might be off our guard. It was, nevertheless, determined among us that we shoud go after the creature, which made some uncertain motions with its head, as if it | sp; would make us believe that it intended turning round. Some were inclined to hesitate, but his powerful harpoons, which stuck like a tremendous thorn in the creature’s side. Was instantaneous, for the Serpent seemed to go down very rapidly ; and a great effort was t! several ; , | sons are — keep the creature down, by getting together as much weight as possible; and ought to LAY FOR CABINET LOAFERS. Hank! the Leaguers ring the tocsin, For competing grain and oxen ; ’Gainst Protectionist invaders Cospen cries, “To Arms, Free Traders!” Peaceful Friends, who would not wish a Person drawn for the militia, To repel a French invasion— ‘lake the field on this oceasion. Brieut, for unprotected corn, Blows the warlrke bugle-horn ; Waves aloft the flag of battle For untaxed exotic cattle. And what cravens would not muster To preserve their penny “ buster,” (Twop’any once) and clench their fistes For cheap beef and moderate twistes ? Champions of the scale called sliding, You will get a thorough hiding, If you at the next election Hoist the standard of Protection. Boots and Breeches—don’t you do it, Or as sure as Fate you’!! rue it! YounG and Booker, rash bullwethers, Follow not, ye ‘Tops and Leathers. Coronets, great chiefs of Tories, Would you save your Order’s glories, In our bread make no incisions ; Don’t go cribbing our provisions. Talk not, Dexsy, like an oaf, Of restoring the dear loaf ; There ’s no scheme that you could hit o So distasteful to a Briton. Give it up—or you'll be beaten— | who Free-Trade bread have eaten Will be forced by no devices Back unto starvation prices. Indignation growing daily Will o’erthrow you, Bew Diseaet, Bow! you all down just like skittles, If you touch the peoples’ victuals. For your promises—be quiet ; They are but official diet ; And your pledges you must swallow, Or the League will lick you hollow. Schooling for Squires. PRoTECTIONIST country gentlemen may, in an at ge of some History of England, have Richarp Coppgn, having launched the League Boat, sprung aboard, and buried at once one of givided his loaf with the beggar. effect“ Hiiilosophy teaching by example; ” but its les- when they were at school, how ALFrep History is nerally warnings, showing rather what avoided, than what should be done. ousands of pounds were collected for the purpose in a very short space of time. | [py this point of view our squires seem to regard Several pointed weapons were now used against the animal’s body; but its obtuseness was the conduct of AL¥ueD: for, in wanting to such as to render it difficult to make any impression whatever, though the head |compel the poor man to share his loaf with have some sensibility, and would have got away, but for the furious lashings it experienced them, their own behaviour is precisely the erse. ‘rom its own tail. At length all motion appeared to cease. The head began to knock gradually | under; and a shout of “ Protection’s dead,” announced the fact, that further annoyance | ‘rom the monster was impossible. , As the creature lay lifeless on the surface of the sea of politics, I was enabled to take the | following deseription of a curiosity, which may soon be considered as extinct. Its head wes | remarkable for much heavy iooguine jaw, and its tail, which was much disjointed, was perfectly obtuse, without coming to any THE CABINET ECONOMIST. Iv you want your bread to rise, you must fer- ment the country; but it is doubtful if the int at all. The body was party-coloured, and one side did not | attempt will succeed even then; and at any rate at all agree with the other, while there were indications of much blubber having yir- the bread will turn out heavy—and, ultimately, forth. Its head was well adapted for sending forth columns of fluent mat’er, and it the | turn out you. VOL, XXL.

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| 136 ' —_ —_—-— — | ai __—___ Iarrived at Washington for the purpose of exe. INTOLBRANCE AT AYLESBURY IN PARTICULAR, AND EVERYWHERE /cuting an international Treaty of Literary Peace ELSE IN GENERAL. and Probity between the nations, the ceremony took place, with becoming care and gravity, in Iw order to judge properly of the conduct of the Hien S#enivy oF BUCKINGHAMSHIRE, front of the Senate-house. At an early hour the n placing his own spiritual direetor in the position of ( — to the Judges, it is chiefs of all the tribes of the publishing wig- necessary to have correct notions of religious toleration. The following remarks-on that wams of the States were upon the ground. The subject are submitted to the Fathers of the Oratory: and we should be glad if the reverend Sc,rpems, the Gaixpems, the Lixe-Bettows- gentlemen would inform us whether they do, or not, express an orthodox view of it. _ Purreas, the FLay-2M-anD-£aT-eMs, the Braty- Religious toleration is the toleration of rehgion. But heresy is not religion; heresies are | syccens, the Harpies (or Hanvens), the Grezy- simply superstitions, misbeliefs, and impieties. Therefore, the toleration of heresy is not the’ peanopres; and the BLuEB2aN-NOBODTES were eration of religion. There is only one true religion; that is, there is no religion but one: | ai) present. im the persons of their chiefs, or of the other so-ealled religions are false: in other words, no religions at all. The one only | déjecates from the tribes. religion is the Roman Catholic. It is impossible, in the nature of things, to tolerate any The savages— (although all of them Pus. other system claiming to be a religion than that. Roman Catholics, in-tolerating Protestants, LISH-URs)— commported themselves with a decency merely connive at the propagation of false doctrines. Protestants, imetolerating one another, | 4. J sionsness searcely to be expected from only exercise forbearance towards each other’s mutual delusions. It is only when they unsophisticated children of woods and covers, tolerate Koman Catholics that they practise religious toleration, But: toleration is now4 They were all of them en grande tenue; their complete, unless it permits religion to be fully carried owt. Keligionp.meaning always the tees beeasts..end arme painted with various Roman Catholie religion, cannot be carried out unless its clergy arevallowed to preael theithenotion! figures ian printer’s ink. Nearly all whatever they think proper, and the laity to practise what they , unrestrained by any ‘of them were trophies depending from their other authority than that of the ecclesiastical power; in-fine, of the Porr: lnecks ; namely ish books, brass-elasped, and Corollaries :— beans i - the skins of 1. Religious toleration required the Lonp CutereJéertee to allow Mr. Scorr Muaray ee cen omured by what to do honour to the cnly tree Church, in placing his HitmanCstholierGhaplambyrtheside | ed ‘acomscientious native, was American of the Judges, and on the Bene}. | ‘s ” informant pathe- ; 2. Religious toleration did not ‘require Mrz. Scorrs Mitxxay torpasyrany regard. tovLoxp ot ah Retin o cueing 3. E a eo “om cade eagle! | Ma. Commasstonzr Pen, imbisfillest feather, . ——— \(yith true: literary’ puncte was upon the oe ‘ground atthe appointed miumtésx (For when did | Pew ever di mt ther meses ted Pus- THE NEW “PEN” TREATY WITH THE AMERICANS: | Lisu-ur %y Mr. EN, bendi asplume of peacock, and with like metallic” brigirtness of It was the intention of the Government, after this bill of [International Copyright between England and! eye, saluted the meeting. France) had become law, to commeunieate it to other countries, and especially America, and again urge nego | The savages gave a low, and as it seemed to tiations with a view to a satisfactory ar —Farliamentary Debates. lus a sullen, note of weleome ; whilst >. Sspoke a-member |one old Pus-Lisu-ur, cocking his eye at Pry, rag last Govern- smacked his lips as though he could eat him. ment; and with our} “ My children,” said Pex— bran new Govern-| “Ho! ho! ho!” growled and chuekled the ment—a Government | multitude; the affeetionateness of the greeting with a triamphant! being too much even for the savage simplicity author as its Chan-|of Pus-tisa-urs.—* Ho! ho! he!”) cellor of the Exche-| “ Yes, my children,” repeated Pew, by no means << quer — delighted are | abashed; Pen, being when so minded, terribly in » we in the certainty|earnest. “I say, my children; for what would fo that authors, English | Pos-tisa-urs be without Pens? My children B27 and American, will|have beheld the porcupine in his down — the 7 be insured by treaty | sparrow-hawk in his nestling nakedmess. And 2 A in their respective | is not that baby porcupine; a poor pigling with- = a rights of property.| out quills—that sparrow-hawk a helpless, ugly The American pub-| voraerty, until clothed with feathers? Even as PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART.

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2 knock out the brains| sparrow-hawk — even so is the PuB-LisH-uR of the British author; | without his Pen !” no longer shall the! “Speak, father,’ cried a Chief; “speak, the reat Ogre House’ Swatiow-pratss have ears!” ‘ze Faw Fow anp Co., “grind his bones! give the wampum [i. ¢., ready money] to our to make their bread;” | English hunters: that the Great Spirit of Right, nor shall the English a spirit that takes account of the doings of even dealer have the free) Pus-tisa-vrs, should no longer hold the nose at run of the head of you, even as at the carrion that draws down the our Yankee’ brother. | vulture!” } A man’s book, made! ‘“Spiritof Right,” said a Harpy, “ what-Spirit of his own thoughts, is that?” and the old Chief shook: his head, as shall be to him pro-| one perplexed. : perty saered as his own watch, bought with his own cash; and brain-picking, like pocket-| “Hear me, ye Pus-tisu-vrs of the New picking, be made unlawfal—ignominious. World! Ye benighted children of darkness! Mr. Puneh’s prophetic eye already beholds the ceremony that ratifies: the second Pew) Listen, for what [say is taken down im big Treaty with the Americans. W1Ltiam Penn made the first memorable treaty with the Red book—and’ what Men under the shade of elm-tree, flourishing on the’ banks of the Delaware; and now Gooss- book, too—bigger than all that’’—and here Pen shall enter into Treaty the Seeond, the authors—that is, the Aead Men—of America and Pew pointed to the: Senate-House. “‘ The Great Kngland being for once considered interested parties. 4 & q 1 lisher shall no longer|the pizling poreupine—as the naked, gaping | “My children, I come here that you should | do is: taken down in big | Spirit has blessed you with the words of the | Wi.tuiam Penn, given at full length by his last and best biographer, HepwortH Drxoy,| white Saxon ; your mothers sangto: youthesame | s'ands in the “half-moon” three-line deep of squatted Americans, “his costume simple,| songs; and when’you asked for bread-and-butter but not pedantic or aay. An outer coat reaehing tothe knees, and covered with buttons; at the knee of your grandam, the Great Spirit | : ut a vest of other materials, and tied with strings or ribbons; a profusion of shirt sleeves and ruffles, with a hat of the white Saxons speak aeross the big Salt Lake.” cavalier shape (wanting only the feather).” “It is true,” said a Paie-Ocravo, “It is And—now is the Feather, the real Pew Feather, supplied: now, doth Goosz-Pew make Ais | true.” ; treaty with the savages; and Mr. Pornex—putting om the cloek a month or two—reports! “And of’ these’words,” cried’ Pex; becoming prophetieally the circumstances of the solemnity. ‘animated, “of these words you have made cords ey ——_ ‘to bind your Saxon brothers—of these words Commissioner Gooss-Pen (duly accredited from the Court of her Britannie Majesty) having: you have made fingers'to rob them.”

equally ample ; trowsers extremely full, slashed at the sides, | put into your mouths the same ‘words that the |

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mma Orr trae reaere=«@ SY | - =a Vy SC OE OOS i OS a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAR:. 117 “ Rob!” cxtuipal chief. >. Boxs-scons are not thieves. ” | “ Hear me,” cried Pew. “Listen; and let shame steal upon your faces, making them red as the autumn sumach. Hear me, PUB-List-uns | MINISTERIAL DIARIES. of the New World. You have robbed, agidygenu still reb our Engli Hunters. Your flesh is fed with priggesy,eand ygou sleep in the blankets of rapine, You have a a ee the brains of (WE WONT SAY HOW WE GOT THESE; BUT THERE APE SUCH THINGS AS PATRIOTS IN PUBLIC OFFICES.) the innocent ; and you have bruised bones ead ~picked out the | Pie following “Mems” are extracted from a spruce-looking “ Lett’s | marrow of good men without guile” (fllere Pum-coughed and took No. 8,” the ownership of which, from iteat lene a should breath.) assign i F “Speak: more words,” sexied eam cold chief, a Lixe-Betsows- othe Lead of an fice asta hundred sikes from the:liva F PUPRER. 0oK ion, Stirred fire. “You have robbed”—said Paw—“fasid robeour inglish hunters. Card of the day over the man- They hunt in the fields of Jetters,agnid>you steal their.game ; they have tel-piece — odd ebincidence. the toil,and you have the plunder. be Great Spirit of Right is angry We came in the same month with you, my ebildren ; 1 am here thateyou should bury the scissors, with the five Sundays. There and exchange the wampumawith our’ ish) tianters.” ought to be an extra day in Hereupon sa -venerable . chicf, GaemwRmaBopy, rese and said: the year that sees Protection “Father Pe, you.haveemelted our heartsa@méo paste ; and shame is in power, Who put it there ? ion us. We bavewobbhed the Saxon vemnters ; day and night they Partly Lorn Jom~ — partly ve f.llowed the gamedmthe hunting-gromidséf letterssmucewe have P—im—rst—n. Gn—r did een as thieves—amd emo better, my Bather. ‘The Geeat@ipint of’ a deal; buat, I think, Kizht is offendecwwithms ; and we will bugythe scissorsgandeexehange f he too — on , 1 may say— Mem. Parallel cases of Burge and CaxNinG—not encour. e wampum belt, and we will hereafter: t a fair price thegame | theninglish hunters, hunted in the fi of detters beyond theiiiigz ayn. Bat. they -had Whigs to dea! With : now, the country party, Salt e. Otuerebiefs followed Greenpzazopy, and all for their t¥ibesbenusid - if theyave pig-headed and im- mixéd Knglishand American ink, expressly concocted without gill. | : Beppect nute—-was produced to the harmonious sound of music. Mr..€om themaeives to bury the scissors and exchange the wampum belt. wissioner Pew took the first deepedip of ink: ail the Chiefs.and| Rang theteel)pestherdered wpypermanent sAcsishent@Georttary, an: After thisea solemn ‘feast was held. A mighty bow! of ink—w6f | Detegates then eof the blaek*fluid—the wine of peace. Amd asked him to shew me over’ Department,.aad ypatume up do vhusiness. then the Chiefs iedueach his scissors; and wampum belts were | Sia Ca—Rues vepy obliging.—Aem. Det:to xbesathennat shousak ques- exchanged; and so amas sutified the second Pew Treaty with the| tions before Aim. He must see one’s not wpto. ’ Americans, | Worked atReady Reckoner, and-tried v i (Division. |Old experiemee came in useful ;— had mo motion’ vhadstuck to me. Deputation on reducing rate of Exchequer Bills. “W—«puhad been | making a mess, it seems, and losing money on them by seme operation, thing’s not to be done in half-an-hour. | First Post in. Bucks agricultural constituents up in the stirrups— | wish to know when we move Repeal of Corn Laws; and if fixed duty, or sliding seale. Don’t they wish they may get it! Twelve schemes | for redistribution of loeal taxation, so.as to ease farmer. All very {ine ; | but how is it to be done? ‘Talking won’t do, now one is ia. ! Fr—m—tLE called about C—st—ms. Referred him to B—rd of |Tr—de. Won H—s1t—-y be obliged to me! | S—sru—rp called with hints for Budget. ‘Referred him to D—nsy. A heap of schemes for redistribution of Income Tax. All very well, but how is it to be dome? If these schemers were only in for a week or two! Letter from Lorp J—an M—wy—ns, asking permission to cut . . . May-poles in New Forest, and distribute among rural population.— In the extremely modest account Captarn Seasuny gives us of bis yom To remind him he is Works, not Woods, now. Must keep bis recent capture of the Great Sea Serpent, a somewhat unnecessary StTeS8 moyen dye tendencies in cheek, or we shall have him trying baek at the is laid upom thedact (?) of “bis Snakeship’s’’ likeness being taken “4y (id Forest Laws—vert and venison, infangthef and outfangthef— a Scotchman.’ We have no -wislr to appear unreaxonably incredulous, | and putting the verderers and rangers mto thirteenth century doublets but the first betting man of our acquaimtance we chance to meet, We and peaked shoes Tell it to the Marines! shall certainly ask him, what, are the odds that they have neither Note of complaint from P—K—xG—T—YN. He ean’ t get any inform- | Scotehed the-snake,” nor killed it ? ation about snyihing in his Office. Asks me who to apply to. blow | d i It is-also stated, that im catting up “his Snekeship,” the body was the d " T know? found “‘ covered with -blubber, like a whale.” Yes, exactly, we should “aenrtasietens of Bank of England, and got rough notion of system ,or for want of some operation. Wish I understood the subject. | Permanent Assistant Secretary very willing to cram me; but the | think.so. Very like.a whale ! of Funds, and working of National Debt. Explained what | never | — understood before—weekly Bank re‘urns. Pleasant to feel one knows what rest is—Mem. To let H—ne—es see I’m up to all this, if he THE USKINDEST CUT OF ALL. should give bimse!f any Ex-Cuance.tor or THe Exonequen airs. ae Eart or Dexsy coolly refers the cause of Free Trade versus rotection to be settled by the Arbitration of “the intelligent portion of the community.” Now, this is really too bad: for, of course, it is|™ should be. Cur—st— Pu—n a leetle too free-spoken. ¢ , virtually excluding his fmends, the (oratorically) Distressed Agricul. Read Times—League revived, | see. Insists on a dissolution. “Too burists, from having any voice at all in the decision. bad not to give fellows a fair innings. Times decidedly for giving us time. Of course. If Coppew only knew how glad we should be to have done with “ native Industry” altogether! Bat, of course, it suits —_ . Aus to row. Agonising Difficulty. | books — sere Tue feeling heart must sympathise with the electors of “St. Alban’s. | : ; iy | be dissolved ate heving disfranchised them, | eat ey will be placed in a very painful dilemma. With a view to save} ian Change. themselves from disfranchisement, they will have to make love either | on Rai SOS ' | to the Protectionists orto the Whigs :—and the difficulty of foretelling| We are told that the Eurenon or Avsrnia, in his late visit to which of the two parties the next election will establish in power, will Veniee, out of compliment to the Caows Parscr oF Kuseta, ‘ appeared render their chosee of a fit and proper representative as difficult a in Russian umform.” Then, it seems that on great occasions, “ the matter as the decision of the eel ass between the two haystaecks. | leopard can change its spots.” Read addresses of our /riends to their constituents. Sensible, onthe | whole, and cautious. Nothing the farmers ean lay hold of. Thisis as |

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| | | | 118 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL — ~ $e PLEASANT! Nervous Gentleman. “ Dow’? you tTuisx, Ropes, corve so Fast pown HILL, Is VERY LIKELY TO MAKE THE Horse vat?” Robert. “Low press Yer—no, Sin! Mooy.ieut Nicat (sust stcnw A NIGHT AS THIS. IT was), as I I wWEVeR THROWeD a Oss pown in my Live, xcept once; aND THat was ows Frosty WAS A-DRIVIN’ A Gent (4S MIGHT BE YOU) FROM THE SrarTiIon, when | THROWED DOWN THIS WERBY Oss, IN THIS WERRY WWENTICAL Piace!” MAGISTRATES IN CHANCERY. No one seems to be safe from the fangs of Chancery, which pounces on every age and every station; seizes on the infant in the cradle, and has lately laid its clutches upon a pair of astounded Magistrates. Among the proceedings at Bow Street, the other day, was an account of some lawyers’ clerk having dropped in to make the worthy occupants of the Bench the partiesto a suit, simply because some money had been left to the poor-box out of av estate which it bad pleased the lawyers to throw into Chancery. It is really frightful that a ten-pound note cannot be received for the use of the poor of the district, without involving those entrusted with the application of it in a suit in Chancery The Magistrates may well feel a horror at any one approaching them with a charitable contribution, lest they may find themselves some morning the parties to a suit, and may learn the bitter fact, that some- body has filed 0 the usual exorbitant character. If this sort of thing is to be tolerated, a lawyer may, with malice prépense, cause a five-pound note to be placed in the hands of any respectable individual, under some paltry pretext, with the ulterior view of making him a party to a suit in Chancery. If a lawyer were to offer usa present of any sum of money, we would shun him and his bait, with the cry of —— “timeo Danaos et dona ferentes.” According to the report we have read, the Magistrates expressed, very naturally, their surprise and indignation at being “ taken in” as parties to a matter in which they have not a particle of interest. The lawyer’s clerk endeavoured to appease their Worsbips by the remark, that the costs would probably be paid “out of the estate ;” as if an estate was nothing more nor 4 than a fund, out of which lawyers’ bills are payable. It would be a wholesome provision, if it could be enforced, that wherever a suit is undertaken, which is of no benefit to any but the lawyers, the lawyers should be mace to pay for their own fun out of their own pockets. bill, involving, of course, a succession of other bills of | THE DERBY “INSIDES.” At the late North Essex Election, Mz. C. G. Rowwp, in proposing Mr. Bexesrorp, made a speech, wherein, among other facetious remarks, be said— “ They remembered the joke of ‘the Derby dilly with its six insides, but the Derby dilly now carried more than six inside; it ‘wna fail inside and out (Cheers aod laugbter), The coach was well horsed; the owneref coach drove it he was sure they all wished him ‘God speed,’ (Cheéra).” Mr. Rowyp and the farmers of North Essex should reflect that the | Densy @iély will not do at al! now-a-days. ‘The-old coach, however wel! ‘ horsed and well driven, is not fast enough for these times; too slow: or as we may say, dilly-tory. We must-have the Densy Express Train, if we are to go by the Demer anything. To oatety us, Dest must get his steam up, and comply with the requisition of progress. As to “ imsides,” Dexsy has many more than six to carry. He has | some twenty millions and upwards.; and said insides will never stomach | Durpy if he attempts to humbug them with the little loaf. if, and —_ ; A Monument for the Man of Pills. | Tue grateful'admirers of Montsox, the Hygeist, are called upon by advertisement in the papers to subscribe towards a monument to the memory of the great pill-compiler. We think that a simple slab of stone erected in the churchyard fullest of the Doctor’s late patients would be sufficient, with the well-known words: “Si monumentum quaris, circumspice /” MINISTERIAL ORIGINALITY. It is the opinion of those best qualified to judge, that, if the present Ministers are to remain in office, their policy must be a continuation of that of the Free Trade Cabinet. But they will do somewhat more than imitate their predecessors if they will take off the Income-tax.

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ie oe \f ‘ - UP GOES THE QUARTERN LOAF Derby. “ Now, Gents, Give vs onty a Lirriz Encovracement—Say a Five Sariiine Duty—ayp ‘UP’ Goes raz Quartern Loar!” Marcu 20, 1852.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDO N CHARIVARI. 121 PENAL STATUES. To the Memory of Monopolists, and other Great National Malefactors. THE ROEBUCK AND COPPOCK CONTROVERSY. Tae public will, no doubt, remember the indignant repudiation of ‘ a | Mx. Co the Whig electioneering agent, by Mx. Roewuck, th T this time, when) Member for Bath, who prides himself, very mi teow paring ‘formecatim Parliament. The Honourable Mem- and the shortness of his memory, had so considerable a/| « party is seeking to | : reimpose the tax| featon e@ upon food, it is} —_ = to re| heavows- ther] mark, that there Thi ’ | This prelude cient means for};, ing down to lately posterity men who | 1 deserved ill of their: country. | History doee-very | inadequate justice | tothose statesmen | ands §6©=_— politicians , whoserwhole-dives+ have: been. spent, in opposing all wise and good: legislation. Sculpture is at present one-sided art: it transmits to future generations the heroes, lawgivers, philosopher®, poets, moralists; and warriors of the past; but: it-creates: no memorials’ of the numerous individuals who have*distinguished themselves as flunkies, obstructives; blockheads, dunces, roguesyand poltroons. Now, Sculpture should not be subservient to mere imageeworship; it should fashion the scarecrow as well as the idol. Aeccordmgly, as there isa Poets’ Corner in Westminster Abbey, there ought torbe a Knawes’ Corner in Newgate, and a Fools’ Corner at Bedlam; and the statues of persons who have in any eminent degree earned—by baseness, dis- honesty, folly, dulness, bigotry, cowardice, or other despicable qualities—public odium contempt, should be set up in Hen Masesty’s various gaols, bridewells, and houses of correction, through- out the country. It is a pity that no such monuments have been erected ; for instance; in dishonour of the antagonists of the lof the Test and Corpo- ration Acts,—of Reform in Parliament;—of the abolition of Flogging in the Army,—of the mitigation of the Insolvency Laws and the Criminal Code,—of Unsectarian Education,—and, in general, of Civil and Reli-| gious” Liberty. The chisel has hitherto been devoted too exclusively to the sublime | and beautiful; but is equally available for the absurd and the ridi-| the receipt of £300, through the hands of M but with his characteristic candour, he made; the-moment it was pointed out to him Corpock, for . explain the purpose of the following melody, { exist very insuffi. |t» bave-been *"kueoked off” by the Hompurable Member for Sheticld, Aim—“ Oh! no we nevermmentiow hin.” Ob! no, I never mentionhimp, His. name is never heard Liguite forgot the money; though ; did, upon my words Hiewdilab to theguhurry mey = Sy Aad though I dine at the The fact I do forget. i eeollect the cash. PPock" pad toane: The aid ofsuehia set Adad whenel ’ ve“hind albthesd sought; Of course I may forget: They tell me I’m confuted now, . _ was oe other eyhint [ was L heed not what'they says; Pérchanee ’tis-hard'to .truggie with A fact thatcan’t be met ; But those who talk as I have talked, Must now and then forget. Hurrah for the Road! referenee to the great—or |ittle—Covrock controversy, which has the columns of the newspapers, culous: and the statues of ignoble and execrable characters would be| A PARLIAMewTaRY Return, recently published, shows that in England caricatures in stone, and would answer the proper purpose of all cari- and Wales the receipts on account of highways in counties in the year catures ; namely, to bring baseness, villany, bigotry, folly, selfishness, | ding March 25, 1850, amounted to the rather considerable sum of and hypocrisy, into contempt: with this advantage; that instead of £1,040,645. 18s, 3d. being ephemeral, they would be. perennial; so that scorn might point | the finger at them throughout all ages, for an eternal warning to our descendants, The statues of fellows renowned for their impudence might be} executed in brass; those of celebrated bigots in stubborn granite; and similar analogies might be carried out in other instances. i | MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING. We are very much afraid that though we have no downright Dick Torprms and Jack Smerrarps nowadays, we have not yet exactly | put a stop tovhighway robbery. A Temple of Ignominy might be built on purpose to contain the| T#£ Protectionists are very anxiously asking, what the Ministers We can give an answer. They mean to do the country testimonials of an indignant nation to its Meanest and Worst. The mean to do. e ean medieval style would be preferable for such an edifice ; both because if they cam; and if not, they will do the Protectionists. it belongs to the bad old times, which the opponents of light and advancement wish to return to; and also, because it affords a variety | Striking Hard. of niches for the figures of those that deserve to be placed in them : seated ‘ and likewise admits of copi embellishment with corbels; for which! Te. Observer says, that in consequence of the Engineers’ strike, | ornaments the heads of dilatory, anii-reform Lorp Cuance.cors, and | 20,000 men have been out of work since the 10th of January, and cal- cantankerous or covetous bishops, would be very suitable. culates the amount of wages lost by them up to the present time, at Some of our actually existing monuments of em-nent characters | £175,000, besides £2000 spent by the trade societies in maintaining the | would be perfectly fit to be transferred to the Temple of Ignominy’ strike. ill the strikers persevere in striking so hard as this, seeing | Without alteration, being already quite ridiculous enough, and repre-| with how much force they strike themselves ? senting monarchs and other personages of rank, chiefly remarkable for ———$—______— depravity and stupidity. A BLACK JOB De mortuis nil nisi is a.rusty saw, ancient, but not venerable, | ' . _ nor even respectable. It bespeaks the character of a man who is| Ie it should turn out that Ma. Diseagii means positively to propose conscious of ing to be ill-spoken of, and the understanding of one | a tax on fuel, he may be sure that in curtailing the public of their who imagines thet; aber his decease, it can be of any consequence to| coals, he will very speedily get the sack. him if he is. By pillorymg an evil memory, you admonish the living aes _ Without hurting the dead. Gcy Fawkes, at present, is the only delinquent whose ill-fame is| Cries for & Country Pasty. Two mottoes are to be inscribed on the Protectionist banner; viz.— | perpetuated by an effigy: | _ Let us hope that no noblemen or gentlemen, by couspiring to restore Rally round the Crown, = 5s.! Remember your Duty, = Do.!! the bread-tax, wiil qualify themselves for a similar immortality. GOING GREAT LENGTHS. Owe Way or Evvectixe Sitence.—The French Senators are not Tue longest Amerieam yarn upon record is the mile-and-a-balf of to talk. Lours Nareizow has taken very good care of this, for he has rope which Caprarw Sgapury let the Sea-Serpent out with. given them a Constitution not worth talking about. ees

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: K, 1h Me + b 4 ; .f " 4 #53 « j ; * ¢. - 2 jit 4 ] ay THE LONDON CHARIVARL. THE (MILK) PALE OF SOCIETY. SomzBopy advertises a new machine, called a “ Milk-tester,” to test the genuineness of milk. Where is the milk- sop who would torture himself unneces- sarily by the use of a machine which would only confirm his worst suspicions? Who wants to test the veracity of that chalky article, which we all know to be one of the most universal of white lies that was ever palmed upon society? In matters of milk, ‘* where ignorance Is bliss, ’tis folly to be wise.” If every one could test the stuff that is placed daily on his breakfast table, his own blood would turn into curds, or run cold with ice-cream. Talk of a I ies glass of wine” as a thing difficult of at- tainment! it is easy in comparison to the ‘almost utter impossibility of procuring in London a genuine glass of milk. How hopeless, then, the procees of testing the treacherous compound! Far better to swallow it with all its faults, than attem that would even bear to have its surface skimmed. Bonaparte’s Next Coup. Persons in a state of mesmeric som- ELECTION INTELLIGENCE. is occurring at any distance. If Louis NavoLeon does not take care, the dis- Assembly will transpire in their actuality, notwithstanding his precautions to prevent the truth of them from being got at : and we confidently expect that his next edict will be a decree against *clairvoyance. WHAT WAS FOUND INSIDE THE AMERICAN SEA- SERPENT. | THe papers make mention of the contents of the American Sea- | Serpent, when its stomach was cut open. We were sadly disappointed with the poverty of the Catalogue. The principal article in it seems to have been “a squid,”—whatever that may be. We have seen many wonderful things in our lifetime, but we never recollect seeing a “squid.” We suppose it must be one of the numerous (s)quiddities to — the American Sea-Serpent, in its extraordinary career, has given birth. But we are confident there must have been some terrible omissions in the Catalogue. When we think of the capacity of its swallow—and of the capacity of the public’s swallow, also, with regard to it— we are sure there must have been inside the American Sea-Serpent some- thing more than a mere “squid.” If not, a great opportunity has been lost in the way of invention, and we hasten to supply the list of the articles that were, or ought to have been, found inside “ stomach.” The Disappearance of the Falls of Niagara;—an authentic account | of that wonderful freak of nature, as related in the American papers several years ago. The Certificate of birth of Wasntxcton’s black nurse, and a mug belonging to the same, with the inscription, “A trifle from Brighton.” (These have been bought for 20,000 dollars by Mr. Barnum). A heartbrug made from the wool that was shorn from the celebrated ““Woolly Horse.” (This has likewise been purchased, at an enormous sacrifice. by Mr. Barnum). The Whip with which America flogs all creation, and the American Flag, showing the “ Stripes” that were received from it. A Pennsylvanian Bond, with “ Paid” at the bottom. A New Orleans Paper, without an advertisement of a runaway Slave In It. I'he Ruler with which Britannia ruled the waves, before she was beaten last year at Cowes by the Yankee yacht, merica. Portraits of the 250,000 British ladies that were kissed by GenzraL Tom THums. its The Green Spectacles which the clever Dairyman put on‘his cows | when he turned them into a chalk-pit, to persuade them they were eating grass. The colour of the Gentleman’s Money, who was so tarnation sharp, | that his shadow even cut thin bread and butter. Portrait of the fast young New Yorker who, when called upon to pay the debt of nature, proposed to do it one half in dry goods, the other half in bills. But this is quite enough to prove the number of things and people the American Sea-Serpent has taken in ever since it has been running through the seas, and the columns of the American newspapers. Not to be Wondered at! In the 7imes of the 10th inst., we read an advertisement commencing, somewhat naively, thus— To BE SOLD. The Artist of the Panorama now Exhibiting, &c. We were quite prepared for this. There has really been such 4 | perfect glut of Panoramas of late, that it has long seemed questionable to us if more than one in a hundred could be reasonably expected to | pay. And we are, therefore, not at all surprised to find the disappoin Artist of one of them thus candidly admitting himself to be “ Sold.” A DESPERATE THROW. Tue Protectionists are naturally anxious to postpone, as long as they can, the process of throwing themselves upon the country ; for they know perfectly well that the country will throw them off again immediately. In the Name of Charity. Pernaps it is wrong to be hard upon the Disragti Ministry; for we should recollect the legal maxim, which charitably tells us, “ No Ministry is responsible for its acts, until it sas attained ite Majority!” Cheque-books of the American Publishers, who have ruined them- | selves with the enormous sums of money they have given to Kaglish authors for their works.—Very curious. Tae Hercnt or ’Curensss—A Yankee Jew attorney, of Scotch parentage. to dive too deeply into its mysteries ; for | there is searcely a pint of milk¢m London | nambulism are said to be sometimes able | to see through walls, and to relate what cussions of his Senate and Legislative | —- * ~~ weage & - -~ 2s oe . -

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i i) i en ee ee ee, es ee ~ ees ll ee ee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 123 THEATRICAL ANNOUNCEMENT. pended, have been re- imilation to thee which has been adopted puptding:the Cur ay Aa assimilation : n ado it ing the Com , Green Ones have been intesiod. hon The Company: has» been co re-organised. Tlie~principal leading charaeters will in future be: sustaineds byy Mire en? Ditty (the Director), amd: Mims Powastita Dizzy the celebrated delineater. of Mosaic-Atrab characters); but, im additions to Méseus: Deutrt and Dizzy, some valuable engagements, chiefly of Provinemb notorseties; havedheemefideted. In Walking Gentlemen the corps will be found exceedingly strong; and imcompliancer with: a “generally expressed and clearly understood popular demand,” each member of the company will Walk as speedily as possible. The Direetor has been anxious to avoid the rococo formatity of an address,. stating intentions, but will mention that the new repertoire of his company will be calculated to give no offence in any quarter. The old farce of Protection has certamly beew some time in pre- paration, and has-been a good deal “written up,” but it will not be brought forward this season, or indeed at all, except under the new title of Lead me Five Shillings. Our National Defences will be among the earliest novelties, and no expense will be spared thereupon. Messrs. Ditty and Dizzy propose to introducethe remainder of the company as Our Clerks, Ma. Paxtyeton will make his appearance as the Country Squire, and also (with Ma. Matmspury) in Fish out of Water ; Ma. Mayyens will appear in Young England, and Ma. Naas will make his bow as Backbite ih the School for Scandal. The comic entertainment of Dudlin Castle will be revived for Mr. Eettwtoun, and the splendid real armour will be introduced, as worn at the Scottish Tournament, a ballet department will be under the skilful and experienced disection, of Ma. NSDALE. The firework. departmént. will be solely entrusted to Mr. Dizzy, whose displays in that line have already given’ so much satisfaction. Mr. Watrote will, however, assist him with some Roman Candles, from the celebrated manufactory of Prorzsson Poser, in which Ma. W. is a partner. The Order system will be revised, and orders will be given away only to Members of the Aristoeraey. The" privilege of the Public Press will ber retrenched as far as is expedient ; the Director being amxious to save all annoyance to his patrons. Places will be kept long as possible. . Any applications as to bills, to be addressed to the Direetor only. It is hoped that no person will expose the bills of this company. Seats may be obtained by private application at the Carlton Club. Stalls (by clergymen, on proof of electioneering utiity,) may be heard of at the Chancellor’s Arms, St. Leonard’s on See. Divisionswill be gladly got rid of, should 2 party be desirous of coming to support any particular representation by the company, _ The theatre has been decorated by Mx. Barry in medieval style, appropriate to the intended efforts of the Director, and Dx. Rei has promised him his:best co-operation in blowing hot amd cold. ce I~ Reweanrsar: A farce, entitled Te Budget. An extrayaganza, named Miad my Corn, and a concluding picce de circonstance called Out with Them or A Good Riddance. Vivant Regina et Princeps. No Money returned (if voted), Murder will (shortly) Out! A BIOGRAPHICAL periodical announces, as the title of one of its principal articles, “Lorp Patwerston concluded.” It is an old story, to talk of a writer attempting an individual’s life: but poor Lonp Patmerston seems to have been treated with unusual cruelty ; for, his “conclusion” being advertised, we presume that the attempter of his life has actually made an end of him. THE CAPTURE OF THE SEA- SERPENT. Toxe—“ Gites Scroggins's Ghost,” (fHB SERPENTS HEAD 18 SUPPOSED TO SENG.) Bewnoup! good here I am ; Mcedel dint eee ee tnedel me But always counted me a Sham— By Phas Captains alt T? pase’d y tasm t I’ve 4 Oareering o’er the briny vast ; However, I've been caught at last, As sure as e’er was any Who this exploit was to achieve, Possibly have been forcknown ; The hero could be, you 'l believe, A bold American alone. In fo go a-head, May boast of having kill’d me dead — Aye, as dead as any stone. Cuaaies Seapuny, master of the ship, southward bound— A vesset on aswhaling trip— Will for my capture be renown’d; On January’s thirteenth day, re Paeifie as I ties unsuspiciously at ° ’Mid the billows, I was:found. I, lying quietly i uF iltle aware what foes were near ; to me in aboat, Lodged in me by the Yankee loon, And felt considerably queer. The in, as he made his lunge, I had knock'd overboard outright Three of the crew did also plunge Into the sea for very fright. This, at thetime I did not know, But dived into the deep below— About a mile and-an eighth, or so; Very nearly, if not quite. j Of course I took that length of rope Down, down beneath the ocean wave Youll think I had a liberal scope ; But, ah! my bacon ’t wouldn’t save. All faint with loss of blood and pain, Seeking the surface of the main, They came and poked at me again : How very cruel to behave! They fancied they had kill’d me “slick,” Seeing me all so quiet lie, When dying, I began to kick Which caused them speedily to fly ; And then, ata safe distance, those Tarnation loafers, I su Look’d on, and view’d my mortal throes: At last 1 did im earnest die, They measured me; and vow'd by Heaven! | By Gexernat Wasnisetow! they swore I was a hundred and three feet seven, By full forty-nine feet four! With ninety-four teeth im my jaws, And all as sharp as any saw’s; ] likewise had a sort of pawe— All which I never knew before. They’ ve saved my head, my bones and skin, Which Ma. Baawom, of course, will show, Who never takes the public in, As all the universe must know. But though my skin with spears be drill’d, And after that with wadding fill’d I caloulate I’m “ seoten’d, not kili’d,” As, peradventure, time will show. | | |

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PR ie e Wee ar Rca sme peepee: emcee a Were 124 _ PUNCH. OR THE LONDON FOX STEALS AWAY FROM THE COVER; BRARDED FOREIGNER OF DISTINCTION IMMEDIATELY GIVES CHASE. Whipper-in (with excitement, loquitur). “’OLD ’aRD, THERE! ’Otp ’anpD! WueEre age you a-GaLLopinG To? Do rou THINK j an Catow a Fox?” Foreigner of Distinction (with great giee). “1 po sot Know, MON Ami; Bur I viti TRar—I VILL TRaL” _ ———— ar ae | SS $$$ — — THE ART OF EGG-THROWING. THE POETICAL COOKERY- BOOK. | As there is every probability of a general election, there will shortly | be a sudden rise in the price of eggs. Parties, therefore, who wish to TRIFLE. | be well supplied with the savoury missiles of electi neering warfare, Ain—“ The Meeting of the Waters.” | cannot be recommended too s' rongly to give their orders directly. The Tuere’s not in the wide world so tempting a sweet As that Trifle where custard and macaroons meet ; Oh! the latest sweet tooth from my head must depart delay of every day may make the difference of a penny a dozen, a great consideration in the case of an election be ng severely contested In Westminster, for instance, the most lively preparations ave been Fre the taste of that Trifle win not my heart. making for some time. One candidate, who has determined to spare no expense, has engaged the services of those intrepid officers; who Yet it is net the sugar that’s thrown in a omen distinguished themselves in such an eggsemplary manner last year at Nor the peel of the lemon so candied and tre | Epsom. They are to be provided with a separate booth, unlimited "Tis net the rieh cream that’s whipp’d up a mill ; champagne and eau-de-Cologne, and as many eggs as they’ can | Ob, no! it is something more exquisite still. throw—and all free of expense. It is expected that no opposition | will be strong enough to stand against such an attack. What makes the danger still more to be dreaded is the awful fact that this dewoted | band, whose aim in egg-throwing is so unerring that some of the most | practised shots have been known to hit a man’s eve at sixty yards ’Tis that nice macaroons in the dish T bare laid, Of which a delicious foundation is And youl! find how the last will in fisvour i im When soak’d with the wine that you pour in distance, will be supplied with a few of the eggs of the win: cless bird | Sweet plateau of Trifle! how is my zest | of Madagascar ! When we mention that one of the eggs of this monster For thee, when spread o’er with the jam I love best; bird is equal to 148 of our common hen's eggs, we s uail give # small When the cream white of ezgs—to be over thee thrown, notion of the alarm that exists in the breasts of the electors of West- With a wiusk kept on purpose—is mingled in one ! minster. He must be a bold patriot indeed who will expose himself to — the fire of 148 eggs, by venturing to vote in the teeth of such a battery, with the shelis flying about him in all directions. We are afraid that Paradoxes of the Eachequer. not asoul, excepting Bakon NaTHan, who bears a charmed life against me revenue derived from taxes on knowledge is small, which seems eggs, will have the pluck to go near the hustings ! unless, perchan¢e, some’ a satire on the country: bat as the imposts in themselves are heavy, the unhappy yokel should get between two cross fires, and so be ‘egged joke may rather be said to be against the Government ; and yet, unfor- on from both sides to record his vote either in favour of one or the other. tunately at the expense of the people. A History or Roue.—First a camp; thenaforum; thenapalace; Smaxy.—What must be the state of the Protectionist Members in then a church ; now a ruin. the House, when the head is Dizzy ? Printed by William Sradbary,ot No. !\. Upper Wodnra Pisce, m the Parian of St. Pasoras, ond Predemec Mudlete Seame, of No. ;, Caure) Bow, Stoke Seataguen, tath te the Ganser of Oflice iw Lombard Street, im the Preciagt of Whiter «a in the City of London. and Published oy tuem at Neth, Fleet Stren, in the rattener St. Bride's. m "eeCity ot London —Saewnen Seana Man, gem

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 125 ey ¥F were yee! ernie 1 VTsTOVTUVTT TL NWT AL ALIA vi Hi i WAIN i Wi Pl gama " Vile f Ne i ‘\ il | ae al | i TEC Tn ne WY il} er ae . 4 iw nll i ax ’ ‘tod A “

DELICATE! "Bus Conductor.—* Woutp any Lapy BE 30 KIND 48 TO Ripe OvursipE To Ostick 4 Genriemanw!”

TEETOTAL ORGIES. We have to thank the Editor of the Band of Hope Review for sending us some numbers of that periodicai—we presume with the object of inducing us to reconsider our remarks on the ridiculous exhi- bition lately made of themselves by certain children, small and great, belonging to a Total Abstinence Suciety of the same name as his pub- lication. We still, however, retain the opinion, that to shout for Temperance in the streets, is not the way to promote that virtue; and that no advantage to the cause of sobriety can accrue from a number | of little boys and girls voting an affected and artificial address to the Parmce or Waxes, to tell him how good they mean to be, and indirectly | to invite him to turn Teetotaller. Let our abstemious contemporary | observe that we do not reprelend these and suchi-like proc: edings, out of opposition to the Temperance movement ; on the contrary, we object | to them on the very ground that they impede it, by bringing it into | contempt. Indeed, we consider that it is we who discourage drunkenness, in caricaturing it; whereas Bands of Hope and otlier Teetotallers, who run about playing the fool, do just the reverse, inasmuch as their conduct tends to expose sobriety iiself to derision. It is true that we demur both to the principle and practice of entire abstinence from fermented rectitude ? carrying banners, embroidered with their favourite maxims, liquors, believing them to form no exception to the rule that prescribes | and hallooing, “Hey for Brotherly Love!” If we are to abstain from everything that is | Genuine capable of being abused, there is nothing we must not abstain from. | and Humility—Nine Times Nine!” “ No Kogue Corn, wine, and oil are each good; abstain from wine, and why not | Envy, Hatred, and Malice!” “ Down with All Uncharitableness!” from oil and corn, and renounce bread itself, and eat salad raw? or,| and so on. rather, don’t eat it at all, for you may commit excess in grazing :— be moderation in all things. starve and die. Yet we respect even the absolute repudiation of fermented drink in|some measure; but in as far as their intention is to cause the Certain cases. It is better to be a teetotaller than a sot: if you must— as the Band of Hope Review seems to inculcate—be either one or the other. Dn. Jonnson, finding himself unable to be moderate, renounced exhilarating liquors altogether; praiseworthily. His example, doubtless, has done some good: how much would it have done if he had insti- | gated BoswEL1, not only to follow it, but to perambulate Fleet Street and the Strand arm-in arm with him, both wearing wreaths of water- ir. | a single alderman to consume one (4 i

THE POETICAL COOKERY BOOK. STEWED STEAK. ; Amn—‘' Had I a Heart for Falschood Framed.” Hap I a pound of tender Steak, I'd use it for a stew; And if the dish you would partake, I'll tell you what to do. Into a stew-pan, clean and neat, Some butter should be flung; And with it stew your pound of meat, A tender piece—but young.! And when you find the juice express'd <a By culinary art, } JF To draw the gravy off, were best, And let it stand apart. Then, lady, if you’d have a treat, Be sure you can’t be wrong To put more butter to your meat,

pie

or let it stew too long. And when the Steak is nicely done, To take it off, were best ; And gently let it {ry alone, Without the sauce or zest. add the gravy—with of wine A spoonful in it flung ; And a shaiot cut very fine: Let the shalot be young. And when the whole has been combined, More stewing ’t will require ; Ten minutes will suffice—but mind, Don’t have too quick a fire. Then serve it up—'t will form a treat! Nor fear you 've cook’d it wrong ; Gourmets in ali the old ’t will meet, And gourmands in the young.

Nickyame vor tue [Presexrt Ministry.—The present Ministry is so full of Lords and Noble Protectionists, that it has been christened the “Hicu Bre(a)p Mivistry.”

rabble of boys at their heels carrying and also decorated with aquatic plants: the whole troop of waterdrinkers in the meanwhile uttering frantic cries, affer the manner of a procession of Bacchanals ? Carry out the idea of a Band of Hope parade, and you might, ind have an anti-Bacchic procession ; and Fatuen Matuew, or our frie: and contempo himself, astride a water-butt, might figure in it as Anti-Sttenvus. The only objection to such a display is, that it is the state of intoxication, rather than the cause of it, that is wrong: and that, if enthusiasm will produce all the effects of ardent spirits, it is as bad to indulge in the former as to tipple the latter. Gluttony is as great, if not as ruinous, a vice as drankenness: it is even more particularly bestial, as being specifically piggish. Now imagine a set of people who had pledged themselves to low diet, assembling in front of the Mansion House, and shouting “Gruel for Ever!” and “ Hooray for Dry ‘oast!” Would such behaviour cause lion of turtle-soup the less? Would | it tend in the least to the diminution of civic voracity? If it is commendable and expr dient. to cry Temperance, like mackerel, why not the other virtues also? Why should not Bands of Charity od Faith as well as Hope—Bands of every Branch of Mo about, vociferating their zeal each for its peculiar walk in the paths of “Three Cheers for Religion!” “Justice, Truth, and No Mistake!” “ Patience 1” “ Away with herefore is sobriety alone, of all the soul’s graces, to reached by a hullaballoo ? ; patrons of the “Band of Hope” very probably mean well in disuse of inebriating drinks, they will in vain seek to accomplish it by puertle demonstrations ; which, indeed, are rather likely to impel some persons to drink, out of bravado and contempt, They may here and there convert a drunken cobbler—or rather turn his brain. previously + RO palms I ss oes

addled, and transform his delirium tremens to their own frenzy; but they will disgust and repel every masculine toper. Esenezen Styies will be of their dise'ples, but not Myyueen Vaw bunk, or Topsy | Cresses round their hats, and water-lilies in their button-holes, with a) PatLrorrs, or ’Squine Berswine, or the venerable Da. Twenryrorr.

VOL, XXII. Q

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sae | ae a ne oe ONO Nicaea ae eng Seta i ce ee A ea se BPN Py mre san fern. RSS — ce pie neem 126 PUNCTT. OR THE LONDON CHARTVART It is for them seriously to consider whether they do not do more harm than good. Much mischief is wrought by Mr. Stieoixs through his mixing up bis straight bair and grimaces with sacred things, People get to laugh at the whole idea of! STiGGINs existing in their minds, sacred things inelusive. The sacred things shou'd be separated from the grimaces and straizht hair; and thus, be it clearly understood, do we separate Temperance from ntemperate display. Nay, we even commend T'retotaliem itself —to the weak-headed Accorciogly, we sincerely hope that the members of the Band of Hope will s'ick to the pledge. Inebriety 1s a condition of mind and nervous system t!at may be produced hy other causes bes'des aleohol: vanity, to wit, and conceit People who run bellowing and hawling along the Queen's highway, without reasonable provocation, are quite tipsy enough without touching an) thing stronger than water. = GREA [TEETOT: . MEETING | Me Be WuRce \Marti, Dhemas | 2 Noddy m ths THE CHILDISH TEETOTAL MOVEMENT. Young Hopeful Teetotaller. “Go away, Nurse! HAVE any Nasty Wine! I DON’T WANT TO GO DOWN TO DessERT, AnD 1 WaNT TO STOP UP STAIRS, AND PLay wita my New Pump!” SALE OF AUTOGRAPHS. AN interesting sale of Autogravhs bas recently taken place in the neighbourhood of Covent Garden. The principal purchasers are eminent dealers in butter, truaks, and crockery ; the competil‘on Was very spirited j prices upon the head of acask, which served hun for a seat during the sale, and whic, under the new postal regulations in favour of literature, we have returned to him by post. We subjom a se'ection, A letter of Ma. Jonnw Smits, without date, but addressed to Ma. Tuomas Brown, saying that he was gomg to call on Ma. Wictiam Jones (possibly Ser Wittiam, when youns), Of Os. Old. A letter from the lessee (anonymous) of Vauxhall, in 1802. informing Mx. Rosinsox, of Lambeth, that he was on the tree Ist, 0/ Os. 044. A printed letter from the Postmaster-General (1824), acknowledging Mu. WiGe6ins’s cumpla‘ut that be had lost eleven money-letters, and promising that & qury should be made. A M.S. note on the back, in Mu. W.'s hand—“ All { ever heard of 1.” ‘This fetched a penny. A forged order on the Coburg Pit (1829), whieh had been refused, wi h a memorandum eon ‘he back that “ this might have been a joke of fHeODOKe Hook’s, as that eminen’ wag was living at the time,” brought three-halfpence. The cover of an Eton Latin Grammar, with “P A.J.” written insid-, and which was therefore con)-ctured to have deen Geouge CaNnnxine’s (as he was at Eton), and to refer to the “ Po-try of the AntiJacubin,” was bought in. The (supposed) Origtual M.S. of the celebrated epitaph, “ Afflictons sore long time | bore,” &c., in a strong haud, and “ D8.” below it (perhaps Dean Swipt), tetched one-halipenny. A copy-book, one cover torn off, with “ Bounty Commands Esteem,” in the first page, rest blank, brought twopence. A frank, written by Bakonw Natuan, under the impression that he was a Peer of the Realm, sixpence, understood to have been bought by tre Roshervile Egg Club. Author’s M.S. copy of a letrer «cf nineteen pages, addressed by Ma. Joun Tomkins to the Times newspaper, complaining that he had beeu insulted by the Beadle of the Burlington Arca te (the letter does not appear to have been inserted by that journal), thick paper, twopence. | A note from Miss L. LevaTion, dunmseuse at the Opera, to her washerwoman, promising an} instalment on Saturday, and requesting “titex, imm-jately,” one peuny. A coloured portrait ol Ma. N. 'T. Hicks, as the B.rgand of the Gorge, with an autograph oote m a female hand, “Not arf ansum enough for im,” twopence. A letter from the Clerk of the Works at the and | Que of them was kind enough to jot down a few of the bui'ding of Hoxton Poorhouse, dismissing an Irish hodman for insubordination under the jp. fluence of beer, a penny-farthing. An Album, con‘aining cuttings from pocket-books, views of seats in the country, charades, and recipes for c lds, black'eading stoves, and pickles, was bid |hard for, and finally knocked down to the lady of an hotel-keeper, for eighteen-pence. A good many blue hooks; some politveal pamphlets; the original M8. of the Court Guide for 1783 (de. | fective in the B.s and Ps); the original M.S. of \the Dying Gladiator, a ‘Tragedy, by a syneretic Author; the Frenel Constitution, and "5 | Magazine (from the commencement), were dis. | posed of at threepence per |b We regret that the Brivish Museum was unrepresented at this | sale, but it is just what might be expected. THE FRESHMAN’S PROGRESS. A:n—“ She wore a Wreath of Roses.” He wore a pair of Bluebers ‘The ‘Term he first came here ; Was mostly seen in cap and gown, And drenk no bitter beer ; He took his daily walk alone, From two to if fine: Return’d to chapetand to hall, And never went to wine. He gave me tea with marma'ade (His rooms were next to me); I often foned him reading Lard, And always in by nine. A suit of stylish cut he wore sefore bis “smalls” were past ; His supper-party afte } Was very very fast. In “ beaver,” now, he roved “the High,” In studs and chatelaine ; Took airings with a fancy dog, And with a faney cane. He o'ten cut his lectures, And voted books a bore ; Was fam us for his skill at “ Pool,” And al:o as “an oar.” And once again I saw this youth, When, spite of “cram” at. last, He h-ard from me the fatal news Which told he had not pas-'d ; He did not swear, or tear his hatr, But said, “ 1’ve been an ass; 1’ti sport the oak for fear of duns, And then we'll have some ‘ Bass.’” I never saw him after, But heard within the year, That be had sail’d for Hobart Town, To take a sheep-walk there. St. Boniface, March, 1852. Progress of Electro-Biology. Hurxeerrorp Hatt, Downtne Staeetr.—The Eart or Dersy will—if adequately supported by the 8 arvation party in the country—c m- menee a Series of wonderful and amusing Exre- KIMENTS On persons in a perfect!y wakeful sta‘e. NO POP-ERY AT OXFORD. Tue formation of a Rifle Club at Oxford, it appears, has been prohibited by the University suioortties, on the ground of a statute, “ De Bowbordis et Arcuhalistis non gestandis, And yet these College Dons pretend to “teach the young idea how to shoot.” PROTECTIONIST TOPOGRAPHY. | Tue Protectionists are trying all t iget Bread Street removed from Cheapsi can to Svy = fg)

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL i | 3. THE SIBTHORPS OF ENGLAND. | LF : ¢ a X C=, if = “\ UR country is as proud of Jf Co.oveL Sretworrp as the (72 Ezyptians are proud of ther Great Fyramid ; and for the like reasons—lris grandeur and is unchangesahieness The Covonen bas addressed the green men of Lincoln that is the men of Lincoln green, as a future candida’ e :— yi 4 “T may be permitted to ferl some honest pride in sdverting to a fo mer represer of your ent city by ove of that t«mily a« fer beet as the year 1714 and subseqaentiv by it at different periods, on one firm, unchanged principle tari aue ether members of The Sratuorps never change; or, at most, are the very last to jield to the spirit of progress. It is now known, that the ancient Briton who was the last to eschew paint and go into a modern suit of ralbit-skins, was a Ssptvonr } “EXTRAORDINARY CONDUCT OF A JUDGE.” Sren is the title—ziven by the newspapers—to the very summary conduct of Mr Justice Mauve in the Crown Cour of Lineo’imn ‘Tre wt was villaneushy vent:lated—the Judge felt himself m an air- wo. Bhe ordered all the windows to b- “immedvtely opened.’ s coud not be tone ; a Bequired two or three minutes fora men to ch the tep of the butltene wherefeam th windows cold be opened ‘Krewk the windows!” eried the Judge, impatient of suffoes | ‘smash every glace” and the windows were surnmar'ly brok - pares instant hy emearhetl the preces falling iato tie Court, e-ds of the people below.” tts is called very extracriimary conduct of aJudger,”’ and yet to t mind of Punch * bees an metrective more. Orly thnk, i! a Mans ears azo, hutlsat upon the Woolsack ; imagine him in trata purp— ve Court of Cimneery. See lum gaspinz, suffocatimg, pen orp by ‘Yiur, shifting forme, and hear him cry ‘and exult: whem hesrmg ben i all the windows !—break a!) the panes! that the pure ) cath Of heaven may puss cusrens here, sweetcuiug this biwek-lole of Julness amd abomeumtron.”” “ on | WRS. BAKER’S PET. PET, AFTER EXCITING A REVOLT IN THE BI SIGNAL IS#S H!S LAST DaY aT “TUK MA-S4CKK, THANKS TO WHICH FRIENDS UNDER THE THE LBERKY HWOUSF HOLD MY*Ti+s” BY A GENEKAL PO BR MKS. BAKeK LEAVES HER WEIGHT OF UNIViEussL EXECKRATION, Scene 10.—The Breakfast Rom at “ The Myrtles,” Family in conclace. NE the BuLBerry Mrs. Balberry. Well, my dears, you may say what you like ; | woman of Mus. Baken’s age it’s rnicwlous. Lhe nutsane stoeverybody! I’m sure we’ve bad no peace lu the house 5! been here Miss Tapps. 1 hope, my dears, it will be a warning to you on the sulject of Pets. Enter Miss Jaye Butperry Miss Jane Ballerry. Ou! Mamma, here’s Taomsow wishes to speak to you. Mrs. Bulberry. Ou! come in, THouson. Enter Tuomson, the Gardener. Mrs. Bulberry. Well, Tuouson, what is it ? (‘Tuomson has been educuted im the Hortirullural Society's Gardens and hus a decided preference for scient fic nomenclature Thomson, \f you please, Ma’am, I’ve come to vive warning. Mrs. Baiberry Guod gracious! THowsun—what for ? Thomson. \t ain't the place, Ma'an—which L’m perfectly satisfied and ‘ave pleasure in the garden, Ma'am, and L "ope ’ave done myself Credit; but. I never yet have sta:d im a fam’ly where dogs was kept, aud hever intend to, Ma’am— Mrs. Bulserry. Well—bat, THomson, we have no dogs. Tiomson, No, Ma’am; but visitor.’ duzs, Ma'am, is jast as had It’s Mus. Baker's dog as | complain on, which—'aviug 4 picasure ln my garuen—I can’t abide it any longer Mrs. Batberry. But what has be beeu doing, Tsomsow ? | beings general/y). Oh, certainty ' Thomson. Well, Ma'am, it ain't possible to say what he’s been a-duing; but what athe use of me introducing my pots of desirable flowerin’ plants for the early blooms, if that there cog is to ‘ave the run of the ‘othouse? There’s two more pots of ’ypericum knocked over this merung, Ma’am, and three roots of Orntiog’lum nvi-sum, which I believe he’s ate em, Ma’am: and a Fritetlary, which | made su e of a prize, all gnawed to pirees: and he’s seratched up all the Browallias, and the Clurkia pulchilies ; awd | d n't expect as you "il see any Glodudusses thix year, Ma'am. Aud there’s my perennial & eds wl mixed, as I'd sorted only yesterday; and he’s knocked alt the glasses off the Persicoras ; and sowim’ things in general is no manner of use, Ma’am—end it's treatment 1’ve not ben used to, Ma'am ; so, if you please, I want to go Mrs. Bulterry. N.vw, really, Taowson, | beg you ll not think of any thing of the kind, [’ll speak to Mas. Baken, and insist on ber sending home that doz— Thomson, We'l, Ma'am, if he was once off the premises—but you "ll allow it's an ’ard case for a man that ferls for his plants Vrs. Bulberry. Certainly, ‘)uouson, certainly. 1 shal, insist on his going Thomson. Very well, Ma’am, then 1’m satisfied. {Tuemson retires, much relieved, Exter Evans, the Nursemaid, followed ly Jann, the Housemaid, and Swanw, the Cook, Evans. Tf vou please, Ma’am, could we say’wword to you, Ma'am ? irs Balberry. ( ertamby, Evans. Beans. Well, then, Maiam, about that dog, Ma'am. I'm sare, Malem, [ never grudges any trowble for the children, Ma'am; but with biel deg alweys e-comin nto the nursery, and pawin and gaawin aod hurler’ whout, E’vene comfort of my lie, a-tlowken’ if they was br, to thet degree | ‘we best nmeyrest—and tre children ereournges tim, Ma'am, Fone (the Housemarl) Y s, Meam—and where w the ue of my putie” en clean sheets, if that-doeis to go foughww and tossin’ on wll he beth, and carryin’ homee under the sofes, and agreasia’ te corpets ? \ ware (the Cook, Tou, Miku, awd wittles isn't seule (romtin; only | yesterday us ever wun, if leeetin’t cone reght inter my kiichen, aud pull | a sole wp hd just egued anderumbed clean off the dis) on to lie fl wor, | and it’s what t"venet beensed tu; and if you please, Ma'am, my mind s jmeade wp, aed | @en'tuhear 1 ay longer. Jne (bhi id). No, Ma'am, vo more wou't Evans and me, Ma'am Lome, Certingh not, Maan. Mrs. Butierry Go @ weucions ! we shan’t We able to keepin servant in the heures but tee dow’s growug To-duy—thet 1’ m determined wpon, aud |" tet! Mes, Bama so, thesia! e. foans. Oh! 8 thet nasty bewe"s acon, Matem— Sonn, Avd « blewwed ndthaner tre wil be! Mre. Batherry Yes, you wny be perf-ctly easy shout that. Beans Ow! very well, Mewwm; aud Lope it’s the lust dog we shal! ever see in this house— fEvans, the //ousemaid, and Cook, retire, much relieved Mrs. Balberry. \ dec are it’s to be borne any longer. tains, JANG, and bez Mas Baken to step here. Jane, Here she comes, Mamma— wot Do go Eater Mas Baker (cheerfully). Wrs. Biker, Ow! my dears, have any of you seen Scamp? re Balberry. Reualiy, Mus. Baker !—— Mra. Boker. Yhe poor fellow was in such spirits this morning, he wou'de’t be kept in (he house; and so— Mrs. Butlberry (making vp her mind), Mas. Baxer—I'm sure you'll exc se what Ls wo'ny lo say. Mra. Baker (alormed). My dear! Mra Butherry (bvlaly). (t's quite out of the question that dog staying here any longer ! Mra Boker (not hetieving her errs) Scame ? : Mrs. Balberry. Yes; 1've bad all the servants giving warotmg, in con=equence. Mrs. Boker thlankly, and still incredulous of her ears). In eonee- quence of Scawp? irs. Builerry. Yes. Tnowsow declares that he’s positively rtined the garden; and Kvans is certam he'll bite the etiidren ; and Jame is mite tired of cleanmg after him; and Swany declares notinog ts safe in the kitelen ; and you remember our things: and, tn short, be ‘s @rulsanes to everybody. And so— Mrs. Buker (gra/uatly recovering from her stupor). Oh, very well, Mus Borevuny! Certainly, Maam; «@ everybody bas taken a spite at | oor dog—of course, L don't wish him to stay in the house another amute; tut LT hepe you ll understand Ma'am, that if he goes, [ go too, Ma’am—and | mu-t say— She pauses, overcome by her emotions, Mivs Jane Bulberry (aeprecatingly), Weli—but reaily—Mus. Bakex, [’m -ure Mamma’s very sorry; but he w very trouhles me, Mrs. Baker (with a derp conviction of the heartiessness of human the poor dumb animal has nobody to he

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ak US 128 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL _ | speak for him tionate, faithful creature, that dog— Enter Evans, in consternation, Foans, Oh, Mus. Butpeany! Oh, Miss Jane! Oh, ladies! Mrs. Bulberry. ¥or goodness’ sake, don’t look in that way, Evays!—| M What is it? —— } Se | that dog, Ma’am—he’s murdered every one on "em. | All. Murdered! ~ Ve a sa ~~! TSS = “ue Tine a ‘ | +} s4ahtty MT TUE, Foans. Oh! Ma’am! do look what Tomsow’s a-bringin’ in!—It ’s do you think of your precious Pet, now ? , of course; but if ever there was a harmless, aflec-| Enter Tnomsox, with the mangled remains of the Buuwerny Pets— Rabbits, Guinea-pigs, Bantams, and ali—followed by the Groom with Scamp in custody. sammy y Geienplantin. That dog’s been and gone and done it now, a’am, I think! Mrs. Bulberry (pointing to the victims), There, Mus. Baxer! what (Mas. Baxer, overwhelmed, sinks into a chair. Scamp wags his tail in a cheerful and innocent manner.— Scene closes. as Wp 14% id KA 7 4L WW AUSTRIAN REWARD OF HOSPITALITY. Tere is a Spectator published at Vienna—no doubt, from what ; : follows, an impulsive, enthusiast c print, like unto our own Spectator | : | of London; for-the Austrian Speciator proposes a testimonial to the landlady at Bankside, who, in his hour of flight and trouble, harboured | and comforted BAKCLAY axD Perktns’s hunted Haynav: “ The Spectator dwells with much teeling (says the Daily News) upon the kind be- haviour of the landiady, and suggest~ tha Austrian patriotism shwald endow ber with a neck-ornament, with the portrait of the Marshal in enamel, set with brilliants.” Beautiful is gratitude, no matter whence it comes, and how | developed. With this belief, we would suggest a reconsideration of the means of rewarding the landlady. If she be a widow, and Haysav a widower, why not marry them, settling on the happy couple a thumping fortune? If other circumstances make it prudent that the landlady should still keep a hostelry, we would suggest the sign of “The Harnavu’s Head;” and further, that the portrait of the General be executed by Austrian artists, and framed in Austrian gold. Or, what would still be better, perhaos Genera Haynav would come to | London to sit for his picture? Should he be inclined to do this, there | is no doubt that our present Foreign Secretary would lend him a room A the purpose—the room with the repaired ceiling—at the Foreign | ce. | The Church in Danger. A paRauRraPs in the papers informs us that several of the swell mob | | were present at a recent Confirmation held at the church in Newgate | Street, by the Bisuor «F Lospon. We really can see no excuse for | the conduct of these tellows, -vho could not have gone for the purpose | of being confirmed, as the fact of their dishonest occupation shows them | to have been already confirmed scoundrels. WHY DON’T THE MEN PROPOSE? To be sung by Barrannta in the Character-of am Unprotected Female, War don’t the men propose, dear Punch, Why don’t the men propose ? Each shirks all coming to the point, -. And from the subject goes, | It iw no fault of yours, dear Punch, As every body knows; You do your best to pin them down, But yet they won’t propose. I’m sure they 've powers at last, dear Punch, Winch long they tried to snateh ; Of eoronets and great ns ‘There*s now a pretty batch. 1 v sag ew some official man u 5 But though he with Protection flirts, | Alas! he won’t propose. Now what is to be done, dear Punch, Oh! what is to be done? There really is no time to lose ; The Session will be gone. The doubt in which Barrassta’s left, A gloom on all things throws ; They their iutentions should hy don’t the men propose ? How to make Breap Kise.—Support a Protectionist Ministry. | | —

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Og hi f/f | A) ul) Hi niiiniiit Re | LV ay SE yin Wie oe sl SW» <<Fi py, ~== ft few, tf) , ; pny Ua a: Mn, ‘ION, I A PLAIN QUES Mr. Buil, “Now, Sir, vow’ Wuat ang Your LLYING, Derey Ditty Da Miss Barrawnia ?” T LET Us HAVE ANY MORE INTENTIONS TOWARDS

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THE SHAMROCK AND THE Ge ¢. & , oe wr 7 ” X . Pn Mera: ~ Ze ew an inh / a Ya Cama h ~ iia. rt ont Shy, ei | , <i no doubt, enshrined a compliment to Irish- men, and of the most Irish pattern. How- - 3 . : ever, two years ago, when in Nubia, the Duke was able to wear a shamrock im his hat! “ He met a gentleman coming down from Nubia who spent the whole of the morning of the 17th hunting along He tound a very good shamrock, and he did him (the chairman) the bonour, because he had been the Chief Secretary fir Ireland, to share it-with him (Cheers). Me found iton the

the banks of the Nile for a shamrock. edge of a sand bank, where every day passed.a huge crocodile.” Well, as the crocodile, upon the “ gentleman’s the shamrock, we suppose Puach must. But a word in your ear, my Lord Duke. VOICES OF THE NIGHT, Everysopy in the world knows—that is to say, as soon as the pub- lication of this number of Punch stull be complete, every civilised being will know—that among Sir Cuartes Barny’s exquisitely thoughtful arrangements in the New House of Commons, the “ Ladies’ Gallery” is placed close behind that of the Reporters. 1t seems hardly neces: to add that the spécialilé of one class of auditors slightly clashes with that of the other. We regret to learn, that during recent debates, a series of earnest messages have been sent up-stairs to Mu. Exxis, the Curator of the Ladies’ department ; messages which may be divided into two heads :— From the Single Reporters.—‘* Would you intimate to the ladies, that if they would kindly preserve silence while the Minister is speaking, ae » e From the Married tongues. How do they think one can take a sentence of Disaaeni, while they make such an abominable clatter that” But, need we add, that no lady of proper spirit ever vouchsafed notice of impertinent requests. An occasional “Good gracious! what next, | wonder?” wi'h an indignant giggle, by way of note of non-admiration at the end, broke through the gilded grating (which, Oriental-wise, screens the Parliamentary Hareem), announcing that poor Ma. Exits had humbly thrown in his second-hand suggestion at t'e door behind ; but not one whit the less fast and furious did the lady-voices descend mingling with the blasts of hot and cold air poured down by Da. Ket», “that air-Pump of the nation.” In despair, the Reporters have thrown themselves upon Mr. Punch One of them, by way of evidence of his affliction, has enclosed to that universal philanthropist the following extract from lis note-book. The unfortunate stenographer was making desperate efforts to report a speech of the CuaNCELLoR oF THE Excuequen; but the concurrent exertions of the sweet little cherubs who sat up aloft, appear to have caused him to introduce a variety of allusions, of which the best that can be said is, that they are about as irrelevant as a good many of the topics usually introduced by the Honourable and Semitic Member himself. Here is a specimen: “Mr. Disraent (continuea). And, Sir, when I am officially apprised that the noble Lord, then virtually the first of Hen Masesrys Ser Vants, was dismissed because, oh, my dearsou!, we found in her box all sorts of things—my chdéelaine, Edward's studs, and several of Mamma’s silk stockings—and when [ also learn from the London Gazette, that unimpeachable oracle, that the Order of the Garter, wich, ir, if my historical reminiscences are not utterly unavailing, is a per'ect duck of a blue ribbon, and only to be got at one place— Buckingham CROCODILE. HE Dvxs or CASTLe—in genial manner — pre. dodge of the begging-letter impostors. sided Patarck’s festival, and | told a pretty anecdote | of his travels, touching | the ! Grace said— “It hed been remarked that Sr. Pawtuick had ex- | pelled all the reptiles from | ; Ireland, and there was an | Of B. Jonny, is Beooine Joww. Perhaps h Jouw opinion in lretand, thet the ehem- rock did not existwhere any | Teptile w sto befourd, He | begged to comtradéet that | general opinion.” authority, respectfully declined to swallow Punch has inquired, in his own way, into the matter, and finds that the croeodtle was, in a former state, a big, snapping, long-tailed (many- jointed) jrish agitator: and, faithful to his former patriotic instincts, he turned his nose up at the shamrock because his belly was miraculously filled with buttermilk and potatoes, lers.—“ Do tell those women to hold their | A QUEER CARD. Here is the fac-simile of a card which has New- been handed to us—deseribed as “ the lust new his most the at dt.

[ aa, B. JOHN, shamrock. His PASSIONIST The obvious meaning of “1b. Jouww,” is Brotner Joww. ‘The no less obvious meaning botanists | means both. The Passionists are, we believe, a species of friars, thus belonging to the Regular Orders in the Romish Church; but, to go about, leaving cards like the above, for the purpose of levying contributions, is to reremble Regular Dustmen or Hegular Mendieants more than anybody else. Considered in relation to the Vagrancy Laws, we question if it is not alto- gether irregular; and invite the attention of the Mendicity Soeiety to a!l euch pieces of paste- | board as that which “ B. Jouw, Passiontst,” it seems, is accustomed to leave at gentiewen’s houses. Such contradiction, Which was Which ? Wuew the ceiling fell at the Foreign Office, the other day, it was found very difficult to separate the rubbish from the papers |ying on the table. We do not wonder at the diffieu'ty ; for hetween official documen's and rubbish there may | be often a distinction without much difference,

House, dear, I think they call it—what supposition remains {o me, save the isolated conviction that here, here upon the very threshold, that Servant refused to beat the door-mats and scour the steps; a pretty thmg indeed! I suppose she fancied | ought to do it for her. ‘Then, Sir, if L revert to the pretext on which this motion has been founded, can anything be more flimsy, or more certain to go to pieces the first line it gets into the washing-tub, to say nothing of the colours of the skirt all running. Jt may be characteristic enough of the blus- tering Free-traders from Manchester to join the noble Lord in the lobby; but what sort of a party was that? No cornet.a-piston; nothing but the poor governess at the piano, and a stand-up supper without champagne, all as shabby as the woman always is. We, Sir, can appreciate these new-fangled bonds of Parliamentary compression ; we are well aware that the adipose representative of anarelry is s0 stout you would hardiv knew ber, in spite of her lacing so tightly, that “ the air we breathe, the Pa'ladium of Freedom,” is encangered by a Protectionist majority, Well, 8ir, a noble and learned lord in another place; law, no, the queerest old Brougham you ever saw; and one never knows where | she’s going. Did that noble and learned Lord respond to the overtures thus tendered; is he handsome? no, certainly not, but a good match for anybody: but | dun’s believe they will cate’ bim foreither of the girls, However, Sir, | have undertaken to be short, and frank,—no, my love, rank promises to be tall, and more like bis Papa than me, and, opinion- ated and idiosyncratic #s 1s my antagonist’s organisation—he |as got into words uf five syllables, and likes lis book pretty well for his age ; but I don’t worry bim with it, as his experimentalising upon the Exchequer must be temporarily unproductive, and | camot accede to 0s request for an advance, unless le ean demonstrate to me how | can otherwise remunerate the national resources. He has become so dreadfully mean, my dear, that he would not give me a cheque to buy new dresses for the children, for their party, unless | agreed to make some reduetion in the housekeeping, which, L declare, | can’t, and won't, whieh is more. Conscientiously, therefore, if regretfully, Bir, I must conclude by resisting this motion (cheers). —O, he’s \eft off, dear! | wonder who he was, | declare | didn’t listen to a word he was saying, Who's the next? What a Guy! Did you ever? Come, dears, let's go; we shall be in time for the scene from Norma, It’s stupid work here.” Mr. Punch will only add, at present, that it is his early intention to place bimself in the Ladies’ Gallery. He will then “ report progress,” but has some notion that ke shall not have occasion “to ask leave to sit there again.” Tae Muvistentat Team.—The “Denny Dilly” may, to a certain extent, be well horsed; but one of the Deus cattle is a Nass,

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PROTECTIONISTS. Tummus. “| zay, Jim, BE you a Purrectionist ?” Jim. “ Eas, 1 Be.” Tummus. “ Watt, I zay, Jim, wHat Be Purtection ?” Jim. “ Lo’or! TummMus, poan’T ’ge kNaw?” Tummus. “ Naw, | poay’t.” Jim. “Watt, I poan’r knaw as I can TELL ’gx, Tommus; rur 1 DOAN'T EZAKERLY KNAW Mysev:” ‘

| THE DEATH OF THE SEA-SERPENT. | BY PUBLIUS JONATHAN VIRGILIUS JEFFERSON SMITH. | ARMA virumque cano, qui first, in the Monongahela, Tarnally squampushi’d the Sarpent, mittens horrentia tela. Musa, look smart with your Banjo! I guess, to relate or invent, | Shall need all the aid you can give; so, Nunc aspirate canenti. Mighty slick were the vessel progressing, jactata per equora ventis ; But the brow of the skipper was cloudy cum sollicituaine mentis ; , For whales had been skase in them pearts ; and the clipper, so long as he’d known her, Ne’er had gather’d less ile in her cruise, to gladden the heart of her owner. “Darn the whales!” cried the skipper at length, “ with a telescope forte videbo Aut —— aut terras.” While speaking, just two or three points on the ee bow, He saw coming towards them, as fast as though to a combat ’t would tempt ’em, A mons‘rum, horrendum, informe (cui lumen was shortly ademptum). On the taffrail up jumps in a hurry dux fortis, and seizing a trumpet, With a blast that would waken the dead, mare turbat et aéra rumpit— “Tumble up, all you lubbers!” he cries, “tumble up! for, careering before us, Is the raal old Sea-Sarpent himself, cristis maculisque decorus.” "7 a < it!” cried one of the sailors, “if e’er we provoke him, he’!! ill us: | He’tl sartinly chaw up 4os morsu, et longis implexibus i//os.” Loud laughs the bold skipper, and quick premit alto corde dolorem ; If he does feel like running, he knows it won’t do to betray it before ’em “O Socii,” inquit, “ [’m sartin you air not the fellers to funk, or a: the durum certamen, whose fathers fought bravely to uoker. You! who have waged with the bars, and the buffeler, proelia dura, Down to the freshes and licks of our own free enlighten’d Missourer ! | You! who could whip your own weight catulis sevis sine telo, Get your eyes skinn’d m a twinkling, et ponite tela phaselo !” Talia voce refert, curisque ingentibus eger, Marshais his cute littie band, now panting their foe to beleaguer.

THE HERO OF FIVE HUNDRED FLIGHTS. Ir has been recently announced that the veteran Green, of ballooning notoriety, intends | retiring finally from the Air, and settling himself on terra firma, at the expiration of the ensui season. He purposes going through the of his aérial ae previous to his farewell; and he will appear, for the last times, in that very popular Air with which his name has been so long identified, Having long ago soared to | the top of not only his own, but every other profession, he looks forward to repose on the earth; and we trust he will find his hopes well grounded. He has had many rivals— among others, an individual who was able to boast that, as an Aéronaut, he had got tothe top of the tree; but, though he did, in truth, get to the top of the tree, be got no higher, for his Balloon always stuck in it. Mr. Green has invariably risen superior to all competition ; and, though success has attended every inflation of his Balloon, he ‘as never become inflated himself by the success hat has attended him.

The Air of Downing Street. Tae Chronicle remarks with good philosophy upon the peculiar air of Downing Street: it ‘imparts an instantaneous respectability to every one who breathes it,” says the ; which then proceeds to note the probable change in the manner of the most restless, wrigglin demagogues, upon reaching the Treasury. is reminds us of the ingenuous avowal of the Jesuit Acosta, who, in his Voyage to Peru, speaking for himself and bi: hair-shirted companions, says, in glowing acknowledgment of the salubrity of the air at a certain latitude,— Here, all our Ezit. vermin died upon us.” Swiftly they lower the boats, and swiftly each man at his oar is, Excipe Britanni timidi duo, virque coloris ; . ¢ (Blackskin, you know, never feels how sweet ’tis pro patria mori ; Ovip bad him in view when he said, “ Nimium ne e colori.”’) Now swiftly oe pull towards the monster, who seeing the cutter and gig nigh, Glares at them with terrible eyes, suffectis sanguine et igni ; And never conceiving their chief so swiftly will deal him a floorer, Opens wide, to receive them at once, his linguis vibrantibus ora ; But just as he’s licking his lips, and gladly preparing to taste ’em, Straight into his eyeball the skipper stridentem conjicit hastam, Soon as he feels in his eyeball the lance, growing mightily sulky, At ’em he comes in a rage ore minax, linguéque trisul ‘ “ Starn all!” cry the sailors at once, for they think he has certainly caught ’em ; Praesentemque viris intentant omnia mortem. But the bold skipper exclaims, “O terque quaterque beati ! Now, with a will, dare viam, when I want you, be only parati ; This hoss feels like raising bis hair, and in spite of his scaly old cortex, Full soon you shall see that his co idus vorat zquore vortex.” Hoe ait, and choosing a lance, “ With this one I think [ shall hit it,” He cries; and straight into its mouth ad intima viscera mittit. Screeches the crittur in pain, and writhes till the sea is commotum, As if all its waves had been lash’d in a tempest per Eurum et Notum; Interea terrible shindy Nevtunvs sensit, et alto Prospiciens sadly around, wiped his eye with the cuff of bis paletét ; And mad at his favourite’s fate, of oaths utter’d two or three th Such as, Corpo di Bacco! Mehercule! Sacré! Mille tonnerres! Potztausend ! But the skipper, who thought it was time to this terrible fight dare finem, With a scalping-knife jumps on the neck of the snake, secat et dextré crinem ; And hurling the scalp in the air, half wild with delight to possess it, Shouts, “ Darn it! We’ve fixed up Ais flint, for in ventos vita recessit.”

Mrintsterrat Dirricutty.—Some doubt appears to be entertained at present, as to whether the Eart or Denny and his colleagues are Protectionists in, or Protectionists out and out.

Ss —— ~~ i-_?

Ps

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S&S SS50E FR ERRSRRSER ECE one = = ce SS oe eT — ADDRESS OF MR. HUGO VAMP TO HIS BROTHER MARIONNETTES, On being informed, that if he were not careful about politics, the Chamberlain might interfere. Am—Bruce’s Address.” uprets, of the wooden head, Puppets, by great Simpson bred, Harlequin he may enehain, othe er What oppressor should ye Chips of Liberty ? berlain; rests ain,— Nought for that care we! We defy the Censor’slaws; | Jf ow us he claps his claws, Shed your saw-dust in the) '? cause— , Who the deuce is he? Chopp’d to fire-wood be the slave ; | Be the kitchen-grate his grave! | Censors :hould bis body buwe, For to boil their teas What is a & . > a you Something flesh and tlood to tease. Liurts the sword of Damocies SUFFOLK-ATION OF JUSTICE. Surroix is a county, the natives of which are for the most pert a decent sort of people, and by no means generally remarkable for want of sense, deficiency in the sentiment of justice, barbarity, or brutal vindictiveness. It appears, however, that there is a peculiar rece among |hem, of the ‘squirearchieal order, strongly characterised by those defects and bad qualities, and unfortu- nately invested with judicial functions, which they exereise at Sersious—alter what fashion te subjoined extract from a uewspaper report will show : — “BURY ST. EDMUND’S. “Country Perry to « Hovres,—The driver of « mail-cart from tis town to Woolpit, was fined, with expenses, ifs, for ernuelly beating; wear ‘he latter place, « horse whiew he was driving, ‘The mowey not bein, forthe: iwprisonment for a fortn’ght «as chenealt Two lads were sentenced to 2 months’ in wach, for robbing a partridge's ues of two euys, at ” Torturing # horse—a fortnight’s imprison- ment : ing two ergs—two montlis’ ditto. This is theeway the Suffolk Justices are accus- tomed.to.gompare great things with small. This is how they keep the gamealive, ‘I'wo months’ tuition inresl burzlary, for robbing the nest of a part ri This sentence rma to be famous; they pronounced it, should never cease to hear’ of it; whoever, therefore, invites one of them to supper, must remember always to set before his Lordship a dish of poached eggs. Heads of wood that be ? Human actors call us sticks, (We the title elsewhere fix), Let us bricks; lf not weleome, free! OUR INSANE ARTIST. We must again warn our readers—we mean the British Nation | generally—ihat this wretched individual is still at large. We are con- | cerned to state that we have just had ocular proof of the distressing | fact. Scarce five minutes since, by our infallible pocket edition of the | Horse Guards, we were “thrown into a state of considerable arte ment’ (as our penny-a-liner would observe), by a thundering rat-tat- TAT at the door; which, opening at our adjuration, to our horror disclosed the person of our unhappy friend. For a moment he wildly glared at us; and ere the second sped, his “eye in frenzy rolling,” had | transfixed us to.our sext—as helpless as a bumming-bird beneath the | stare of the serpent, ‘Then, at a bound, he reached our side, snatched the pen from our nerveless hand, and fiercely plunged it to the hilt in | | our brimming inkstand, Wesistance was hopeless; we were ccularl) entranced; completely electro-biologised, as it were, hy one fatal coup ! * * * Aftera lapse of about two minuies and a quarter, we slowly came to ourself, and were rejoiced to find that our tormentor had vanished But, alas! our rapture was of brief duration; for a second and Jess | hasty glanee informed us that the unhappy wretch had left us a horrible | souvenir of his advent. Perhaps, the sensitive reader may faintly con- | ceive our feelings, when we discovered that the especial sheet we hud | selected for one of our posterity-delig!ting articles was scrawled ail | | Over with maniacal hieroglyphics, which, by patience aod a pair of | | spectacles, we have at length succeeded in dec'phering as folluws:— | “Sursecr vor 4 Pictuge or Cruguty.— Our Zoological Artist drawing a Badger |? |” | GJ In justice to ourselves, we must add that ihe word “drawing” | Was most painfully underlined. We should otherwise have blused to | italicise it. A Pastor with a Vengeance! Tre miscellaneous news of the Hampshire Independent contains the stateme).t that— “A lady who has officiated as organist at St. Mary's Church, Leaming‘on, for twelve years, lias been di.missed by the newly appointed pastor b she lias been in the habit ot giving public concerts!!!” Dismis-ed from her situation on such a pretence by the pasfor/ Not, Pastor, ‘Vhe word pastor, shepherd, comes from paseo, io feed: means literally feeder. We cannot exactly conede that title to a fellow who takes away a poor lady’s bread. A QUERY FOR THE PIRST COMMISSIONER OF WOODS AND PORESTS. If Laws and Learning, Trade and Commerce, die, Where then would be our o!d Nobility ? show that we are SATISFACTORY NEWS FROM INDIA. Ir this periodical were.a r, in annonnciog another Burmese war, Mr. Punch would have to express his regret at the intelligence which he was obliged. to publish. A brother journalist, however, of Ur. Punch’ s, so far differs from Mr. Punch as to consider it a piece of capital news. The Dethi Gazelle says: “Ttis with great satisfaction that we announce the sefual commencement of hos- tilities with Barmah, and we shall be much dis«ppointed if the Provinee of Vegu does not now fall into our baedsa, Any expedition, however, against Ava, or «nywhere into | the tntertor of the counury, we must deprecate as both unnee ssary and injudierwus, Ag far am the sea line is concerned, we whxll experience but little diffienliy in making ou’ se'ves mastersof it; bat beyond this the climate w.ll be an insuperable barrier, and vur gallant soldiers will perish by buadreds.” Our Indian contemporary might as well adopt the plan of narrating | all calamities in the same spirit as that in which he notifies war, As for instance :— We have much: pleasure in intimating that 4 vacancy has occurred in the 13th Bungaloes, in consequence of Masou Cuante having been thrown from his elephant whilst tiger-lhunting, and baving broken his neck. It is with great g atification we preseut to our readers an account of the inurder committed by KRummacex l'nucense on the body cf Lieutenant Generat TVirrin.—Why not recor murder and sudden death with as much “ gatisfaction” as battle? The number of the Delhi Guzet/e, containing the very satisfactory information of the commencement of hostilities with Burmab, aud con- sequently of the extreme probability that “ our ga'lent soldiers will | verish by hundreds,” bears the date of Sunpay, January 25, 1852. I'he better the day, the bet’ er the deed, is perlaps a maxim that occurred to the Editor when he penned the above-quoted paragraph; unless, indeed, his journal is a Mussuiman organ, and lis sentiments, both with respect to particular days of the week, and to “ hostilities,” are those of a ge.tlewan of the Mabometan persuasion. The Bishop of Durham's Purse. Tue Zraminer sta‘es, that, “On Thursday night week, a couple of expert thieves effreted an entrances into Auckland Palace, while its tnoates were all in bed. They found their way into the room where the Hisnur or Duenas and Mas. Maurer slept. and mawewed to retin, carrying with them the Bishop's purse, which, b ,» only ad »bout three pounds,” ‘The purse that “ only conta‘ned three pounds,” cannot have been that purse whch the Bistur or Dunnam is said to have made out of lis see.

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134 PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARTVART

DONNYBROOK FAIR UNDER THE NEW LORD LIEUTENANT.

A LAZARUS FOR ALL WEATHERS. advertisement in the Zimes. Here it is :-— por SALE, that most beautiful piece of Work of Art, the FIGURE of | LAZARUS and PEDESTAL, fir for a get.tleman’s hall or lawn; made of patent | Portland Cement. Warranted w stand all weathers. To be sold a great bargain. For particulars and to view apply to ———-. What a mouthful is here—sweet and meiting as ripest peach—for a sort of philanthropy to be found in all times! A Lazanus that—the| first expense of purchase past; the cost of making Lazagus our own— | shall mulet usof no further penny ; shall remain in imperisliable cement, | a touching |-sson in our hall, or upon our green-sward ; shall never | blister in the dog-days, or shiver in December; but stand all weathers ; an uncomplaining model Lazarus—and, moreover, a Laz«nKus a great | bargain! A rare penn’orth this, in which economy may be spiced with a sort of human tenderness. Lazanus in the hall, calm in his patent cement, has his fixed look of meek misery, and does not sniff with in-drawn vitals as roast and boiled pass into the dining-room: his eye does not wander, whetting itself upon decanters glowing with ruby and topaz. Portland Lazaxus cannot by the least twitch of feature betray a homespun impatience of things, the fattest and the strongest, passing before him; thereby, | whether he will or no—as will happen with a Lazanvs in the flesh— saucily arraigning the wise behests of all-balancing Fortune. No: Portland Lazarus and his owner are well acquainted; they know, with equal knowledge, one another. Cement and flesh are old friends The master knows Lazarus as compassionately, as plaster Lazarus | can, with grateful tenderness, acknowledge his benefactor. For Lazarus has been bought a bargain; and the purchaser shows his sympathy with suffering, by giving it a place under his roof, or in the very eye of his casement. And how many of us own a Lazarus of this dumb, uncomplaining species — an ornamental Lazarus that no respectable Coristian can be without ? How many of us confess to the appealing sorrow of Lazarus, as wrought by The Masrer; how many who are touched, melted, by the divine beauty of the work, prizing it as finest art—a thing of abstract loveliness, with no hard existence; sublime art, without the coarse, reality of pulses ? And after this fashion folks—who even dream not of such a possession | marvellous workmanship of Lazarus. And with such acknowledgment, , : A cueapr luxury for the benevolent man is set forth by way of warranted to stand all weathers.

—sacrifice to the human neceagities of their Lazarus. ‘hey know the Lazarus may adorn their hall, or upon their well-swept lawn defy the seasons, being a Lazarus wanting nothing; indeed, a Lazagvus UPON THEM CHARGE! BUT DON’T OVERCHARGE. | We are not remarkable for modesty, or for a, want of appreciation of | our own value; but there are some people'who will insist on putting a higher price upon us than we put upon ourselves; and who charge | fourpence for us while we are satis(ied to make the moderate demand of threepence on the public pocket. Wanrone—not the present Home Secretary, but a far jess honest man than he appears to be—has said that every man has, and of course, therefore, knows, his price; but it | seems we do not know our own, for at the Great Western Railway | Station they wil! insist upon putting twenty-five per cent. upon the | estimate we have formed of ourselves. Now we should have no objec | tion, perhaps, to this arrangement, if the tax on the public were paid over | to us; but unfortunately it is added to the very liberal profit we already | allow to the Booksellers out of the threepence at which the whole world delights to purchase us. The extra twenty-five per cent., without affording the smallest advantage to ourselves, is a clear loss to the travellers by the Great Western, who are frequently much irritated by the vexatious impost, which thus becomes the madness of many for the | gain of—one. | | Dilapidation Extraordinary. A Newsparen, in stating that the present pavement of Holborn, | from Little Turnstile eastwards. towards Chancery Lane, is to be | exchanged for granite, thus remarks— | “ The thoroughfare has long been in a dangerous state, owing to the dilapidated | condition of the wood pavement.” | Etymology suggests that a wood pavement, to be in a dilapidated condition, — first have become petrified: or have been constructed of irish timber.

Printed »y William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place in the Parish of St. Pancras, and Whitemars. Ofice tp Lombard Street, in the Preeinct of Prederick Mullett Evans, of No.7, Charen Row, Stoke Newington both in the County of Middlesea. Primcers, at (¥- tm the Clty <i Lam ton .and eobtnebed by hams ot Ne. Mh, Bese Bteeea te the Parinh of St. Bride, im the Ciry of | nudon.—Satonpat, March 27th. mit ]

refrai Ass Om Ref pre]

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PUNCH, OR,THE LONDON CHARIVARI. COLONEL SIBTHORP ON CHRISTIAN CHARITY. urine the debate|- on the Corrupt MILITARY. cloak of the Cape expedition, the Carbineers A sHort time ago, under ht cavalry at a heavy expense. As it now appears to | were turned into lig Practices at Elec-| be doubtful whether the Cape will be their destination, we suppose that | tions Bill, nny lant CoLoneLSin- RP protested | heavy into light against it, on the| that a King (or THORP | on the principle that one good turn deserves another, they wi 1 be in | turned into light. —_ It is very easy to talk of turning light into heavy or | but how is it to be done? It may be true enough Queen) can make a bold dragoon, a carbineer, “ and a’ ground that it is that;” but how the size or weight of dragoons is to be altered when calculated “ to re- strain men from acts of Christian charity.” His no- tions of Christian charity were then exemplified by the tache might observation, that ithey are made, is a question which, we confess, puzzles us. On first consideration, sweating (as in the case of jockeys) suggested itself to us 'as a probable means of converting heavy into light; but we make light of this suggestion when we Prva: that the process would probably weaken as well as lighten. Perbaps, as Samson’s strength lay in his hair, a dragoon’s weight inay lie in Aus: in such case, the mous- ight sacrifi with advantage. By-the-bye we would venture to jrive a bint with respect to the elothing of the cavalry. Might to be so essential to “if a Member | not the padding of the coats—which is supposed gave an elector a| the “smartness” of adragoon, and which is such a great auxiliary in pinch of snuff, it | the conquest of servant-maids when on home service, but so great a would soon becon- | hindrance to the free action of the limbs when in action—might not the sidered bribery.” | padding be made of cotton instead of the usual wadding? The Of course the gal- | unsightly pouches might thus be got rid of, and the soldier would fee! Jant Colonel pre-| the looser and more fit for fighting every shot that was fired. ‘To be sumes that the/ sure, there is the chance that dragoon, coat, and gun cotton mizht be worthy elector all blown up together. But we only throw out a hint : we leave it to will be per pom practical men to improve on it, up to snuff, an that a candidate’s | ofering to serve him at a pinch, is nothing more than an act of Caris- | tian charity. We suspect that “the effects of Christian charity,” as | shown by the influences which the Bill is designed to check, would form | amelancholy picture of helpless inebriety, and other forms of moral | degradation, too deep, or at all events too low, to go into. It is unfor- | tunate for the gallant Colonel’s argument, that the charity he recom- | mends involves the necessity for the aid of all the publicans, and a great many of the sinners, in a place where an election is going on, to | dispense its offerings. : After making his protest, the Colonel was content to exclaim, “ Let the Bill pass,” as if he had confidence in the belief that his ideas of Christian charity at an election may still be carried out in spite of the | proposed measure. The air of jaunty indifference with which this excamation seems to have been made—the contemptuous nonchalance | with which the Colonel cried, “ Let the Bill pass’”—reminds us s0}| much of SHERIDAN’s song, with its “ Let the Toast pass,” by way of | refrain, that we cannot refrain from a parody : Here’s to the Voter whose terms are fifteen ; Here ’s to the vote that costs fifty ; Here’s to the Candidate shabby and mean, And here’s to the one that’s not thrifty. Let the Bill pass ; Tis but a farce ; I warrant they ’ll find an excuse for a glass. Here ’s to the Voter whose freehold we prize, Here ’s to the tenant with none, Sir ; Here ’s to the host who the liquor supplies, Here ’s to the beer-taps that run, Sir; Let the Bill pass, &c. Here ’s to the Candidate, pure as the snow, With an Agent as black as a berry ; Here ’s to the Wife with a face full of woe, And here’s to the bribe makes her merry. Let the Bill pass, &c. For let them be clumsy, or cautious!y trim, Snug or open, I care not a feather; — So fill ali the pewter-pots up to the brim, And let both sides get drunk altogether. Let the Bill pass, He’s but an ass, Who’s puzzled to find an excuse for a glass. —_— enone on — HOW TO TURN a “HEAVY” INTO A “LIGHT BOB.” A Wind that Blows Nobody Good. | How strange it is that the breeze existing between the Architect and the Ventilator of the Houses of Parliament, should be precisely that which prevents those edifices from being properly supplied with air! A PAIR TRIAL FOR THE PREMIER. Lozp Dersy has protested that he “will be tried by God and his country.” No, no. Not yet, at least. Not unless he actually robs the people of their bread. Vain Advertisement. Yours WANTED.—By a Middle-Aged Person. Legal Caution. We are instructed to state, for the benefit of sueh of our country clients a 7 a8 may now be visiting this Metropolis, that the “‘ Chea cee Tue Landlords may be called the Geocracy : and it is also proposed | Association” they may have seen anno on some of the Holborn | to style the simple Agriculturists the Geeso-cray. Omnibuses, has no connection whatever with the Society for Law —_——_ Reform they may have elsewhere seen advertised. Tae Mixisreriat Bencu.—It is expected that Ministers will dis- caninvithomyeeaiooes solve Parliament as soon as possible, to shorten the Session, because, | as there are so many County Magistrates them, they must satan wide tien dy-enquunan qeethdnantinecten taal TERRITORIAL” TITLES. Court awn Fasnion.—Why is the “ Windsor Uniform” like a prepaid letter? Because it has a Post Office Stamp. VOL, XXII, ?

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al | 136 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAXIVARI. i i MILK REFORM. | “10 BE SOLD—THE CRYSTAL PALACE!” ; rae HE milk-tester is making rapid | ; : We could scarcely believe the evidence of our senses, when i, strides into the milk-cans and) passing our pet Palace the other mornimg we saw a couple of h milk-jngsofthemetropolis, which | hosters stuck upon its south-transeptal doors, inscribed respectively has too long confided in those | with this breath-suspending chalky deposits, which tally only | “ NOTICE, too well with the chalk employed! «gar» of the Cavers Patace, in Lots, Cards to view may be obtained at the by the vendor in scoring what | Building, South Entrance.” he calls his milk tally. The ad- yr » , j ve | We thought at first we were the victims of a distressing optical eS , —— ne oe illusion, and we rubbed our eyes most vigesane to restore them to oate of ae » wk wae or their natural state. But our energy was futile: and a second glance ept a great deal of cold water | ##sured us that it was no illusion, but a painful fact. In vaim we then on of the fluid sup lied to his | tried to persuade ourselves we were standing in and not gushennera Pp! | ayes Park—in vain we endeavoured to imagine that son y had We understand that the pos- chloroformed or electro-biologised us unawares. The startling syllables ‘bility of being able to test the | *S8ailed us still: and although we nearly rubbed ourselves into » state - » ath rd ik has already | Of ocular lidlessness, alas! we could not rub that dreadfal “ Notice” = ~ 7 = he cockeaie be. | out : nor by the strongest effort of eredulity could we believe that sy by pe deer ~ | we were duped by a mischievous misprint, and that in reality it was, Sween those old ere the Sell, not a Sale, that troubled us. hith = the boar — Mave, | We are not naturally cowards. We believe that in case of Invasion, “ oe _* a on milk wei. | we should be found to do our duty as England might “expect.” But The Jong Bevo will act .~ a\ we own we flinched from asking for a“ ard to view.” We confess enrt of Protection to the eow | we wanted courage to pop that dreadful uestion. Our nerves were by preventing the free introduc. | to severely shattered by the first, to risk the danger of a second shock. toe of tees faccion ingredients | No—let the stronger-minded £0, and bravely know the worst. Enoug) which have, hitherto, formed the | °F ¥S to warn the Nation of its favourite’s impending fate. Enough ; ast eanitieseble . ortion of | L0F ¥8 to say that the Death-warrant is now actually in print, and that : -- == the lacteal compound sold to the speedy intercession alone can cancel it, Already in our mind’s eye we

often | see the sentence carried out. Already in our mental ear we catch the We are extremely happy to witness the dissolution of a partnership, | Voice to “=> , Grins some le ald Palos tee Publi in which the cow has been at the disadvantage of supplying all the! *SC° *° 547! eae ional ORG Hs ‘ ox fh cute tex Ap hay | Paxton forfend! that our Crystal Palace, after so bravely with i sterling capital, while the pump bas only brought disgrace upon the standing the storms of a SrptHorp, should now be ignomuiniously firm by a copious issue of drafts of the most discreditable character. | “knocked d be A s aw’s he ' , The cow has, for years, bem “draining its dearest veins,” and eee RR eee ue exhausting all its resources om & dishonourable connection with a| € nae has | Pump, which bas been, all along, lending a handle to a system of fraud | ay i and trickery. In fact, so disreputable has the alliance been between | THE MINISTERIAL CORN-CUTTER. Pues the Pump and the Cow, that milk-and-watery has become a term! applicabie to anything especially weak and contemptible. | Mr. Bewsamin Disraett begs leave to inform his friends and the | public, that having removed to new premises in Downing Street, he is now in a situation to put in practice those principles for the treatment lof every kind of Corn, which he has long made his constant study. os Mr. Disrae.t no longer recommends his former mode of practice, by . \ | striking at the root; but he proposes to give ease by an equalisation of ' ) the burdens on the Corn, when he has ascertained where the shoe Ps | pinches. . | Mr. Disraewi is happy to have it in his power to lay before the public the following valuable Testimonials :—

te ale ~=* AY’ a } Ye Sel \) De

* From the Ricut Honovrasrte Tre Kart or Dersy.

i i “Mr. Disragia has very skilfully managed the Corn with which | WS a \ was troubled, so that I do not at present suffer any inconvenience. rie Hy i “Ay es . , “ Dexsy.” Pibia ia eos ** From an Agriculturist. ous i ( ii + me) ** Mr. Disraett hearing me complain frequently of Corn, has operated bt O55 ui > i Hy / on my understanding so skilfully, that I sometimes do not appear to eae fy Ng N : / have any.” F eT AF) A 1 < “ From a Protectionist. if ; t “T pre to say, that I am the party that has always been crying out on Oia Le ae i : yp ee EE Be | the subject of Corn, and that if it had not been for Mr. Disraet, | f 4 1; i ens ee | should not have had a leg to stand upon.” it : 7 - - a —~ —_—— a 7 ry } === : rd + — i re Political Colours, 1 ie +e Row Order of Enighthood for Anciont Britons. | As a general election is nigh at hand, it may be seasonable to suggest ie ag “Mr. Puncu,—A Chapter of the Order of the Thistle, look you, that if parties would adopt a greater diversity of colours, not confining was held the other day. Now, there is a herb, and a pretty plant it is| those political emblems to “blue and baff,” they would encourage to grow in gardens, and pleasant to smell, and, moreover, is an esculent | trade, please the taste for variety, and more correctly symbolise their and wholesome vegetable, and whatever the Scotch may say, I will! respective shades of opinion. The men of peace principles might maintain and contend that it is much better than any thistle. 1) decorate themselves with drab ribbons; flame-coloured favours would beseech you, then, to tell me the causes and the reasons and the argu-| be proper for the “Irish Brigade,” and the rest of the Papal party; | ments why, since there isan Order of the Thistle, there should not green would suit the simple agricultural interest: and the out-and- | also be an Order of the Leek in honour to the native land of ‘Tarry,’” | out Protectionists should hoist the black flag.

PROTECTIONIST MEASURES. Ted “ENGLAND'S NAVAL RESERVE.” se ie ‘ WE believe, in the phraseology of the Bar, that it is not unusual to| A PARAGRAPH, with the above heading, has been sailing through the | “ hear an order of “ A Quartern and Three Outs.” Now, only let the| papers. The only “ Naval Reserve ” on the part of England that we | Ai present Ministers increase the price of bread, and they will v i i 5 ; are aware of, is in not speaking out loudly against the gross mis- quickly hear a cry raised against them of “ The Quartern and Al! Out management of our Navy by the Lords of the Admiralty.

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_PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. = = THE GHOSTS ON THE VICTORIA TOWER. | ak Sedation ut, s' | *T1s twelve o’clock by St. Margaret’ bell, on Sd night-wind moaning And the ghosts of of St. Stemi basiel. ground * = rival val Ghosts to ay | KENT, RENT! (You may know the Fwy od by tl the smell) Thei tombs returned, Are beginning to rise for a round, Light sesions dul pe pe Gtaest to doeey and ead, ee “ . And weil-doing are +p =F HABITS OF THE BUSINESS-MEMBER OF y there’s ing in Westminster slum, And Broadway and Pye Street den, PARLIAMENT. —— the flari

bens we Business-Mem- and ruffianly men ; too, of another sort, ber of Parliament is one who gets —- doubtful report, ; into Fadiesent the Commons are met, and the Speaker is set, . for his own busi- With some little bills to dispose of yet ; ness, and not the And the Members are feeling excessively il!, ‘ oe business of the Kd the bead 8s alternate ae 5 and chill . , . country head-achy lamps burn hot and hotter, . And ome rg $s vn bane | A lavish distri- weary reporters doze at their notes, And tired-out Tellers a er the votes ; “But every one feels that it’s no great matter In rit Reeniy the listimates thet “ the latter,” For it the Estimates that they ’re voting, And “ how the money goes” needs no noting. O’erhead, enjoying the hush of the hour, ‘ Two Ghosts sit upon the Victoria Tower— a ‘ly , pod $ waive Cope to reveal f : f iy .—s this he They ’re the Ghosts of Bewtiscx and Rozert Pret, hy) f Wael) is most strict in i So epnte ty hee eee Fates, » |) keeping his en- debates, | a te. | An el ees te id te a ta! ae one, : PS \ barks, brays, crows, neighs, on the shortest notice, as a | And rich men’s seorm, and poor men’s hate ; ‘And it may he there's writ at the bottom of all, Let the Business-Member of Parliament act strictly to these habits, and he must succeed. In those four letters—your order’s fall ! : Oh! woe te Fee te wen. He must try his hardest, do his strongest, and take whatever comes. If ever these words of mine come true— But, on Engiand’s tomb, in that grievous event, Tus New Toarres.—The Tories of the suet imasmouch as they You may earve the four letters that make up RENT!” represent the territorial interest, may be called the Terri-tories.

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Te en a role eng) | | | | him that he is likely to become a d 138 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL — ss aIeT BETA ce ITT M1 t}/ Sif} y, “Sy yf n °\ ‘ [Fe oe 3 So yey As " AY PA ‘ A ua ALARMING! Hairdresser, “ Tawy Say, Sir, Toe Coorera’s in toe Harn, Sin!” Gent., very uneasy. “Inpazp! Anem! Ten I Hore you’ne very Particutar anout THE BrusHes You UsE.” Hairdresser. “Qu! I sez you pon’? HunpeRstanp me, Sir. I pow’r MEAN THE ’AIR OF THE ED, BUT THE //aIR HOF THE Hatomspuere!” THE DANGEROUS ANIMALS BILL. We do not wonder at the Government opposition to this Bill; for if the Ministers undertake to deal with dangerous animals, they may be asked what they intend to do with the few remaining rabid Protec- tionists. One of the clauses had reference to farmers keeping savage bulls; but though the farmers have really been enough to make Jouy 3ULL rather savage at times, it is only by putting restrictions upon rous animal. There was a little fun caused by the Arrorney General during the debate, but the report might have been richer, and we therefore supply a few of the principal omissions. Cotoyen Sreruorp, hearing that rabid animals might be destroyed according to the present law, wished to know whether that mad wag Punch might not at once be destroyed as a dangerous animal. Mr. Daummonp would be glad to know if the Pope’s insane Bulls might not be included in the measure. Mr. ALpERrMAN Humrnery would suggest that March Hares should have a clause devoted to them. Mr. Rogsuck had ase pene no he woergey to the Bill; indeed, he would carry it farther, and would introduce a provision for helping a lame dog over a a. he thought would be a suggestion of which Ministers would be glad to avail themselves. CotongL SistHorr was anxious for information as to the clause relating to dog-carts, which he understood to be already in operation within the Metropolis. Now, several military friends of his—Members | of the House—were in the habit of coming down to that House in i though he was sure they would not wilfully incur a penalty (ear). CotoneL THompson feared that the House did not understand the subject of dogs. If there were any idle puppies sauntering about the lobbies, they might have their attention profitably employed upon the | question (4 laugh, a very faint one), After a few words from Mr. Pack, who, speaking in the character of | a whole Pack, could claim some sympathy for poor unfortunate dogs, | the subject dropped for the present. THE RITE OF HANGING. Os Monday, last week, a remarkable execution took place. “Wrewiam Kacaperoo this morning suffered the extreme penalty of the law, over | the Chapel, at the County Gaol at Oxford.” Thus writes the reporter of the 7imes, and he subsequently states that— “ The procession to the place of exeention passed down the qll stairs, across the yard, | and up into the Chapel, in which, in front of th communion-tabie, the pinioning took place.” | Authority, then, has, once for all, pronounced its decision on the question of capital punishment. It has declared the execution of a criminal to be not only allowable, or merely just, but a holy solemnity. What else are we to think, now that at Oxford, the very seat of ortho- doxy, a man has been hanged over a having been pinioned in front of the communion-table ? Parliamentary Privacy. Ir Louis Napoteon wishes thoroughly to stifle the discussion, and _ to prevent the publication of the debates that occur in his Senate and | Legislative corps, he should cause the Chambers in which those bodies | meet, to be constructed and ventilated after the fashion of the British | Houses of Parliament ; so that the assembly might be close, and the speakers inaudible in the gallery.

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? Y/ Wj W Ss iif Uf, P v, a“ { Vp Yi tt y ‘acme YY l if nh /} i AN EASY PLACE. The Judicious Bottle-Holder. “Wett, Dizzy, now Do you Like rourn Piace?” D’ ]——i. “0, Joury! Carrran Waces, anp oxty cot To Carry ovt tuese Lieut Tatxes at rre*est. ee Apgin 3, 1852.

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~ ” ~~ _™ & a2 <4 = Fr’ ON ower #F «& gS & css rr 3 — =o = eS = = = 2 ~ § s § <1 aa ¢ = 32S 6.8 : Cc b ~ = a = s aa ° £5 s | i % = sedis ene

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART SHALL MORISON HAVE A MONUMENT? Tats question is being put almost daily to the ‘‘ People of England ” in a series of advertisements; and-as the parties concerned are doing all they can to turn it into a public question, they cannot blame us for saying a word or two in y to it. We have no hesitation in saying, by all means let Mortson have a Monument ; and we go even further, for we beg leave to offer a design, which the Morisonrans are quite Ll “arnt = | ae ae = at liberty to adopt if they think it appropriate. We recommend its construction, not of ordinary stone, but of the very stoutest “ monu- nental brass,” that being the material most in character with the intended object. As the advertising columns of the papers are daily teeming with REASONS WHY A MONUMENT SHOULD BE ERECTED, We think ourselves at perfect liberty to add a few Reasons of our own, which have, perhaps, not occurred to those in whose hands the affair has hitherto rested. 1. Because Mortson was one of the most society. 9. Because he had a thorough knowledge of what his fellow-creatures would swallow. 3. Because he sent forth his pills in numbers, and Number One was the chief object of his solicitude. 4, Because he was engaged in a great struggle, and dealt out many a death blow in pursuit of his object. We might add some special reasons why the Monument we have designed should be the one selected; but it may be sufficient to say that he vontributed to numerous undertakings, and that his eulogy can be most appropriately eonveyed in Mute eloquence, remarkable pillers of The Female Franchise. [xy the House of Commons, speaking on Mn. Hume’s Reform motion, Mr. Naprer is reported to have said— “It was proposed that the franchise should be given to all persons of 21 years of age, who laboured under no mental or legal disability. Why, then, as had been asked before, should ladies be excluded ?” 1. Because there is no evidence that any lady is twenty-one years of age ; inasmuch as no lady will ever tell what her age is. . B as a poet says of the softer sex, “ Angels are painted fair to look like them ;” so that they are already cepmeented teicly enough in all conscience. Writ Ssortry Crost.—The St. Stephen’s Exhibition of Unprofit- | able Discussion and Empty Debate. LOUIS NAPOLEON’S LAST. (FOR THE PRESENT.) | Ly our position of Moniteur to the public in general, we proceed to | publish the following Decree, which will be found the same in spirit, if | not quite uniform im text, with the document just issued by the French President. | Lovis Naporson, considering nobody but himself, proceeds to jreguiate the relations of the Legislative Bodies or nobodies with | himself, though he will respect no relationship as permanent or binding }upon him, exeept his own relationship of nephew to his uncle the | Emperor. THE COUNCIL OF STATE. The Council of State will be in a state of thorou to Louris Navoreox, who will send to them the work they are to do, which will prevent the necessity for their calling for orders at Louis | Naroueon’s residence, ' MEETING OF THE SENATE. ‘The Senate meets when Lovis Naroteom pleases; and the Senate will cease to meet whem it displeases Louis Navo.zon. BILLS, | As the duty{fof the Senate is only to aceept {Louis ‘Naroreon’s | Bills, the Senate will not be allowed to make any alterations in the form or value of any Bill offered for its acceptance by Louis Napo.zon. submission PROPOSITIONS TO MODIFY THE CONSTITUTION, | A proposition to modify the Constitution must be signed by ten Senators at least, must be sent to Louis Naroigon, who will decide on the matter according to Art. 31, or any other Art that he | may choose to exercise, | PLACE OF MEETING OF THE SENATE. The residence in the Rue d’Enfer is devoted to the Senate: or the Senate is devoted to the Rue d’ Enfer, as the most appropriate place for it, in the opinion of Louis Naro.gon. OF THE LEGISLATIVE BODY. | Bills will be presented to the Legislative Body by Louis Narotron ; and, if any amendment should be proposed, it must be sent to Louis NapoLeon through his clerks, or Ministers, and, if his opinion is unfavourable, the amendment will be null and void. MESSAGES AND PROCLAMATIONS ADDRESSED TO THE LEGISLATIVE BODY. As the messages or proclamations of Louis Napoigon are intended to be obeyed and not talked about, no message or proclamation is to be discussed or voted upon, unless by order of Louis Naroueon, A proclamation of Lovis Narotron dissolving the Legislative Body is to put an end to everything and everybody in the Legislature, which is | to separate at the first blow, without any attempt to collect itself. No Member is to speak without leave, and then only from his place; but every observation will be treated as out of place if it is distasteful | to Lours Naporzon. All signs of disapprobation and approbation are interdicted—so that | laughing at a joke, or yawning at a dull debate, are not allowed to the | French islature. If the Assembly becomes tumultuous, the Prestpent may put on his hat, and remain covered himself until he can recover his authority. | MINUTES, As what the Members say will be of very little moment, it will be confined to the briefest possible minutes, comprising merely the name | of the » sr and how he voted, | Amy Member, if the Assembly will allow him, may print his own speech, at his own cost ; but it will be difficult to calculate the cost if it contain anything distasteful to Lovis Napoteon. } Downe (again) Marcu 22nd, by Lovrs Narorzorn, Pree-will for Testators. “ Wurene there’s a will there’s a way,” says the proverb; but the | existing state of the law of wills, which renders a testament invalid if | it happens to have been signed a hair’s breadth over an inch from the bottom, upsets this axiom of erbial philosophy in many cases, by giving no way to the will of the testator. The Loxp Cuancetson is | therefore greatly to be thanked for — oe. a bill through the Lords to abolish this technicality, so in itself, and causing so much wretchedness; and should the measure happily become law, it will be a fine feather in the new coronet of Loup St. Leonann’s. This is ee dy 5 on the part of the Tories, and if they go on in the same way, thei Ministry will perhaps be more than transi-tory.

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econ” = ppt tn ae nema Se ae.- ’ Sage ee a sate ge tg tone a aarti: SA TT St eM RIT nln alee 8, AE te th Sha EX aiden OTE PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. Rapid Undergi aduate. © Wer " Jac t ME AGAIN. ‘son! You see Tuer ‘ve PLuckep Porter of St, Boniface. “Ye-us, Sim, 1 was very Sorry wurn | *EARD OF IT, Sir.” Undergraduate. “Au! 1 pip intenp Gone into rHe Cuurcn, snp BEING AN ORNAMENT TO THE PROFESSION—BUT AS THEY WON'T LET ME rHROoUGH—| THinkK—I suatue Cur THE wWHoLe ConceRy.” AN ERROR IN JUDGMENT? Surexy there must have been some mistake in the newspaper report | of the case of Cuartotre Larxty, widow, aged 42, indicted at the Lewes Assizes, before Mn. Justice Cotenipes, for the manslaughter of her son, ‘'nomas LakKIN, a child 10 months old. We find it stated that— “This was one of those cases so frequently oecurring in the country, where the deaths of children have been occasioned by the administration of narcotics sold under differ- ent names to the poorer classes for the purpose of ‘soothing’ their children. * * * * * * ‘The prisoner was proved to have always previously exhibited great fondness for the ebild, and there was no ground for supposing that she had any idea of the dangerous consequences that were likely to ensue from her conduct, “ She was found Guilty, and sentenced to three months’ hard labour.” There must, we repeat, be some mistake in this report ; for there | ought to be no mistake in the supposition, that the Lewes jury were men of common sense and common humanity, and there can be none in the general impression that Mr. Justice CoLexrpee is precisely the reverse of an unjust and merciless Judge. Such a sentence as the above on such facts, is simply an aggravation of natural anguish; a perfectly unreasonable and cruel addition of punishment to the sorrow a mother must feel at having had the misfortune to jose her child through a mistaken attempt to comfort it. If an error in the administration of a remedy, because it happens to be fatal, is to be punished with imprisonment and hard labour, we had better leave the siok and the suffering to die a natural death without meddling with them. Medical men, in particular, will do well to give up practice ; because in their case an error in judgment will of course be considered peculiarly inexcusable. Suppose not, good people, for one moment, that we defend the pee of mothers drugging their children with laudanum. Abomina- le is the only word for it in our dictionary. But, by leave of the CHaNnceLton or THE Excuequegr, the women are not the culprits. Other parties, surely, are to be blamed for this poisonous quackery, when ignorant females are encouraged to administer narcotics to infants, and thus cause those lamentable “cases so frequently occurring in the | country,’’ by the sale of “soothing ” “elixirs,” “carminatives,” and | S m / Starved-out syrups,” sanctioned and recommended by the Govenyment Stamp. | accept (if they could get it), in the shape of a 5s. duty. | THE POETICAL COOKERY BOOK. STEWED DUCK AND PEAS. Aim—*“ My Heart and Lute.” I erve thee all, I can no more, Though poor the dinner be ; Stew’d |)uck and Peas are all the store That I can offer thee. A Duck, whose tender breast reveals Its early youth full well; And, better still, a Pea that peels From fresh transparent shell. Though Duck and Peas may fail, alas! One’s hunger to allay ; At least for luncheon they may pass, The appetite to stay. : If season’d Duck an odour bring From which one would abstain, The Peas like fragrant breath of Spring Set all to rigkts again. I give thee all my kitchen lore, Though poor the offering be ; I'll tell thee how ’tis cook’d, You come to dine with me: The Duck is truss’d from head to heels, Then stew’d with butter well ; And streaky bacon, which reveals A most delicious smell. When Duck and Bacon’ in a mass You in the stewpan lay, A spoon around the vessel pass, And gently stir away: A table-spoon of flour bring, A quart of water plain, Then in it twenty onions fling, And gently stir again, A bunch of parsley, and a leaf Of ever-verdant bay, Two cloves—I make my Then add your Peas you may! And let it simmer till it sings In a delicious strain : ‘Then take your Duck, nor let the strings For trussing it remain. brief— The parsley fail not to remove, Also the leaf of bay ; Dish up your Duck—the sauce improve In the accustom’d way, With pepper, salt, and other things, I need not here explain : And, if the dish contentment brings, You ’ll dine with me again. “* What Cheek!” Tue King of the Amazons, we read ies to Lonp PALMERSTON, that the presents sent to His Majesty by BEN Victoria, “ are very acceptable, and are good for his face.” If Mussrs. Rowtawp do not instantly announce that the presents in question were bottles of “ Kalydor,” they will throw away an excellent chance, ELECTIONEERING PROSPECTS. Tue Free Traders look forward with confidence to the results of the next election, and yet, most probably, the will be the chief gainers by it—uuless it is attended by much less than the usual amount of drunkenness. Papal Dealings with the Court. So the presentation of Ma. Saeniry Swirt’s Chaplain, “ Mox- SIGNORE” Seax.ez, at the Qoeen’s levee, has been aay > the | Lorp CHAMBERLAIN has sent back the reverend foreign ti on his tron’s hands). Mr. Swirr has found that he has the Porg’s usiness at Court to the effect of small profit and quick returns. | POLITICAL DEFINITION. | Base Re.ier :—The Relief that our Agriculturists would | emaewooecEe

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PURCH, OR THE [E LONDON CHARIVARI. 143

ELECTION INTELLIGENCE. (From the Local Newspapers.) —_—_4—— SNARLINGTON. cising the great = stitutional i before the Town has been and the railings it par- tially sawn through ; and an eminent egg- | do merchant of High Street has sent to Lead: —y to secure ‘all the eggs which may be unavailing for any but electoral ‘a A of Cr believe that both loaded bludgeons arrived last night at the Cracked Crown Hotel ; we Buack Jr and the Licut-Waicut Per have received their retaining he In mg = peed ite p at least, the true old spirit is not extinct. We add, at the last moment, respected townsman Coroner, Lanywx F eam, Esquire, immediately on hearing that a dissolution was certain, gave some "handsome orders to his wine-merchant and jeweller, This is as it should be. Live let live. GREAT GROWLSBY. The contest here will be ne. as the Ean of CaMBERWELL, who owns one-half of the borough, bas just obtained a good ) of money by mortgaging the parish of Q while the Depecan Lapy Samat lordship’s cousin and particular enemy), owns the other half, has given uotice to every one of her tenants, that if the Eanw’s candidate be returned, she will raise raise all their rents twenty-five per cent. A spirited struggle is therefore certain, but it is thought that the Harl’s ready money will carry the day. SQU ASHBOROUGH. Politics here are curiously involved. The “Staggering Sparrows,” a club which has hitherto carried the elections its own has met a sudden and well-organised rivalry in a new union called the “ Downey Robin 1 Redbreaste ” (who took their name from the red waistcoat of a smart a, their Perpetual Grand), and who, it is said, have exchanged an electric message with the great Mr. Corrrnas, of London. The Sparrows stand well with the Corporation, from using ee Bung Tavern, kept by the Mayor; but there are two benefit societies, the “ — Glory,” and the “United Anti- Procrastinators,” both in the Redbreast interest. nless some arrangement can be made, the welfare of the Squash- borough publie will be bem de and a candidate, who has notoriously nothing ut a miserable eight hundred ares, earned by his labours at the bar, will carry off the prize. We hope better things from the good sense of both parties. THE FANTAIL BURGHS. There will be no battle this time. Sr Peter McGrawzen, of Fishmaws, in whose hands the representation lies, had threatened ejection and ruin to any voter who should support young Mr. Bueax. But the latter havin proposed for Miss Marcanerta McGrawien (and his uncle, Atpermaw Touwwre, of The Loaches, having undertaken to see to the settlements), Str Perer has sent a circular ordering the electors to return his i intended son-in-law by acclamation, BISHOP’S CROTCHET, This quiet little town will be disturbed by the bustle of election. The Honourable Misses MumBieriume, the esteemed dowager heiresses, are $0 piquant that the townsfolk objected to the sermons at St. Sillery’s being preached in roposed by the cae OnigEN ALTARFLOWERS (the ladies’ Puseyite chaplain), yo t vv ve desired their Captars Firzperny, of the Guards, to come down and oppose the old Member, Mx. | Baskerwork. The latter made his fortune in the town, Bd spends it there ; and h not the wisest man in the world, is considered a better representative of the honest folk of —— s Crotchet than a “ spangled officer.” But the ladies are on their mettle, and a | costly struggle is commencing. KILLCROCKERY, in a Saxon insult ! O Nemesis of the West, how long? The new proprietor of wth ee t, a vile trader, has dared to issue an address asking the suffrages of the Killcrockery electors. And this because he has reclaimed an estate, once an Lrish gentleman’s, from ruin, rebuilt the dilapidated mansion, and fed, with his wretched gold, some hundreds of starving peasants. On sueh grounds does the "dastardly Porxins (that is his plebeian Lag mgs 8 Ges to stand upon Hibernian ama a Well has the | glowing Pindar remarked in Georgics, Qui Deum vultus par demonstrat, for 3 Porxrys must be mad indeed. “Teshmen, Is this to be borne? PCatholica, will ye endure it ? A thousand echoes from the green hills of Clonmuddle Senay answer with a reverberating negative. Porxiys for Killcrockery! Faugh-a-ballaboo GOTHBURY. We await but the onl 7 The electors are ready—their souls in arms + for the pay. meanly sought to avoid a contest, but our and rival peg, ob nme Swae and Morus, were alive to the interests of their friends and

folinw-towumnen, and the disgraceful jngsle was defeated. A third candidate was procured from apne a rising young a as go oP DE LACKJAW, Esquire, an is =soul-sti ian have been received with a Noatle a aie ~ . a a from the noble Ma. pe Siacksaw ee gh hardly ~i-- pretty y gold, W. late

litical — by sn out with ls. He pledges himself not to miss his vebjects = s the ballot because he likes to see where +> ball goes, but is +> well | er alae the levellers, He is for popular a, = young idea ought to t to sarcastic on A oye Aye he pats mooth Bores. oo tie circumstances, his return seems

THE AMERICAN CRUSADERS. Ain—" Dunois the Brave.” Orp Henmir Perer was a goose To the first C _—< 8 e’en Goprrey of Bouillon jor paid ; Tt! a the banner of the Cross a n a foolish plan— Not ike we histes the Stars and Stripes, To go agin Japan. All to protect our mariners The gallant Penny sails ; a pr a ga ae citizens Who, bein’ toss’d their i fi = shores By stormy winds and seas Is wus than niggers tad te by’ them Tarnation Japanese, Our war-cries they air <* o_ Silks, With Silver, Copper, Go And : too, and ) = » o sold ; And also Sugar, Tin, and Lead, Black Pepper Cloves likewise, And Woollen ee Cloths and Cotton’ Thread, Which articles they buys. We shan’t sing out to pattern saints Nor gals, afore we fights, Like, when they se Saracens, Did them benighted knights : But “ Ex to the resky, ho!” And “ !” we will cry; Then pitch shell, or draw the bead Upon the ene—my. We'll soon teach them unsocial coon Exclusiveness to drop ; And stick the hand of welcome out, And open wide their shop ; shan’t be forced

} | | yor THe "Enon Seware | Keep it dark.”

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Accept gome a sani neaapp tables: 2k | i ine - PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL | 14 LIFE IN AN OMNIBUS. ‘omnibus first, before they would move the thickness of a wafer to help you. How different would be the behaviour of these very gentlemen, w ben standing © moe aR contig Life in a back- c a lover of comfort, = the sife in Paris, when | I in a Revolution is| their shops ! breaking all your This same windows, and you | sortof are lying down flat | elfishness on the floor tomas seems to take the shower of bul-| ‘ lets, is not very} he Condac- i pleasant. tor. He sees | ! Life in a Govern- } persons ls ) ment ‘Transport, | mg such bea with a scarcity of | attention to wh water and nothing | each other's ae but GoLpxek’s pro- | © comforts, that Peat . visions on beard, he learns in lal IP cannot be very ime to pay no w panseeasaneaint agreeable either. attention to 7 J UL Hii them himself ton is not very cheering ; or Life in Ireland in a district where they have a moon, but the land- lord instead, cannot be exactly the high- est attainment of human happiness ;—but still we think any one of them is Manomet’s Paradise itself, (providing, of course, you escape dying, or being killed), ‘compared to the Lire in av Omyipus with twelve insides, two babies, a birdcage, a dog, and a washerwoman smelling’ strongly of rum and yellow soap! If Danre bad been alive at the present day, (and we can only regret he is not), he would certainly have placed his “ Inferno” inside a Penny Omnibus! However, there is a melancholy pleasure in smiling over the annoy- ances that other people stoically endure, after one has had the courage | to say, “1’ll endure them no longer myself.” It is wrong to smile; | but one cannot help it. | ‘These annoyances waylay you at the threshold of the omnibus; follow you through that inextricable Leg Alley | through which you have to squeeze your way, when directed to “ The End Seat, Sir!” and dodge you at every step till you have taken that seat. We have come to the disagreeable con- Twelve Voices. “ Stor!!!" parlour at Isling-|T weakness, justabout |"pon him, and he grows, [igi sun | INAS. quarter-day, of |at last, as selfish, perhaps W \ shooting, not the |™more so than any one else. WS B| “ Sarve it right!” fellows are compelled to work) between the conductor and his passengers. The truth is, the selfish- ness inside gradually acts He notices that the uni- [ASU versal law in omnibuses is, “Every one for him- self;” and accordingly be applies that law to his own benefit. In the wild pursuit of it, it little mat- ters tohim what he does. He throws in children up- on the mere speculation that “some Gent will p’raps have the kindness to take them on his knee ;” / he takes up any numberof ' women, blissfully uncon- —~ scious whether the Omni- bus will contain them or not; he will not “ pleases him, though a dozen persons may be t ” a minute before it ing at him ali the while with a dozen hook sticks ; and he will think nothing of “ putting you down” in the middle of the road, if you have been at all free in telling him “what you think of his behaviour.” We are sure this is the reason why Conductors are so little consi- derate to the wishes of their passengers. And thus Selfishness is its own punishment! and, in the words of the celebrated verdict, we say | clusion — drawn from a; some fifteen years’ pain- ' ful experience—that if there is an “abode of selfishness” in this world, it is the interior of an English omnibus. Not a person makes way for you. “ Find your seat as you Can. Don't expect me to make room to accom- modate you. You may “T Enp Sas Sm!” } stand up for half-an- _ Tae i? hour for what 1 care. You may be rolling about from side to side, | worse than anv Government steamer; but don’t fancy I’m going to| assist you. Be as uncomfortable as you please, as long as J have my i seat and am comfortable; it’s no business of mine, and I won’t stir| i an inch to oblige any man.” Such seems to be the determined selfish a policy of every man who sits inside an omnibus. Perhaps a little i more courtesy may be shown to a lady; but it is so very little, a foreigner would scarcely notice it ! interesting operation for the English mind. Assistance is mostly given | b x hi Now. the action of putting the hand into the pocket is generally an 5 to a man who shows a desire to perform that operation, so that he| may perform it with the greatest ease to himself. But in an omnibus this delicate law of Anglican nature is reversed. The operator is wedged in $0 tight, that it is with difficulty he can move his arm to get his — out. The fact is, every one knows that it is not to benelit | himself, and tuey would see you and your purse at the bottom of the: a ¥e Peioged by William Bradbury,o: No. 13, U Woders arien Ghee tm Lauband Surece’ te the Pence © pany t dy be _- Paneras, and Prederick Mullett Evans, of No.7, Chureh Row, Stoke Newington, both tp hitewsare. in the City of London. and Published by them at No. %, Fleet Streer_in the Parish o° St. Bride's. im the Clty of of Middle ex. Prioters, at wer e, April ted, no. ads Vion grant covel phaet And shou only her s niche “ mucl Corr emu! let a of si night ho b quot mis-

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 145 Migs ‘onsen rt hthte Ve OEE LLL hie Ubgerrss TM: owe 4 2 | (che more Wi en § ly CHAPTER J.—INTRODUCTORY. From Oxy Brompton fo his Daughter. “My Dearest Cutxp, : “TI can refuse you nothing—nothing, at least, in reason; and Viotet Bromptow is not the girl to ask what her father should not grant. For, w er resemblance a too partial world may have dis- covered between myself and Puasus Apotto, I have neither a mail phaeton in m -house, nor a female Phaeton in my drawing-room. And if my Vioxet, following in her father’s incendiary footsteps, should sueceed in setting the world on fire, 1 am sure it will be done only in the spirit in which, a very few years ago, she used to set fire to her snapdragons, that her friends might be able to see and snatch the richest and best of the plums in the blaze. “You wish to publish. Aged twenty, next May; you have seen so much that you must tell something. You would be my little Special Correspondent from the Oder-grotaci Districts. You want me to emulate the magician whom | and Mr. Lave saw at Cairo. I am to let an innocent child take ink into its hand, and then make revelations of sights it has seen. Be it so; but be sure that your ink is of the right sort, or your revelations will be apocryphal. Mind, I will have no blue ink, to produce a s like * * *, fullof Latim and Greek quotations (for the most part, however, redeemed into womanliness by mis-spelling) ; nor red ink, for a dashing narrative of the loves of Hex asesty’s army, like * * *; no, nor Cabinet ink, fora tale of » lover in Opposition, and a heart broken by the division-bell,like* * * | Nor, Viorer hey “yd of the Magician, must the ink you take into | Your white hand be a mere contemptible ‘writing fluid,’ pitiful negation authorship should repudiate. Ink is no mere ‘writing fluid,’ but has properties and virtues of its own, and has even a better pedigree to show than the holy oil with which the Church of Rome is preparing to oil her pet child, Loum, the Weil-beloved—oil miraculously rought direct from Heaven for the kings of France, and left till called for at the oilman’s in the Rue St. Honoré, No. 37 4. Ink has a better porione than that. See that yours, my child, be thoroughbred. Enough of iron to keep your down-strokes steady as Six Paxron’s columns, enough of gum-arabic to serve as bird-lime for winged thoughts (some people’s fly away very unkindly, when they ought to settle on the paper), and om just enough of galls—which are but the results of morbid action—vegetable —— you know—to ornament your page in the fashion of the day. For, in the matter of fashion, I would not have you a literary Bloomer ; I should be loath to expose you to the overpowering Epilogues of the Westminster boys, whose education . | slowly. (as described by Lory Wiutiam Lennox) gives them a readiness of satire w no lady nearer them than is Billi , could meet with equal weapons. I shall not quarrel with your literary millinery, my love, any more than I have ever quarrelied with certain bills, at which, while I tested their arithmetic, Mapame St, Moz.irne sitting by, smiling unconcernedly, but ready as a cat for defence, you would look ope Saag ages think those last four or five dresses a little x “You publish But not, I think, my beloved child, precisely oa y, of the ‘ if the edge of tl ” cannot be gilt, you mise for a gilding on the top edges only. And in your P. 8. you say, you must dedicate your ‘book’ to him who—— but I will keep your =oe ay a a ad ; _ “No, my dear. mai speech should not be long. Even when it is on the Address, and the speaker is blazing in a yeomanry uniform » more decorously to review a Minister’s awkward squad), a great nation is not much softened by the exertions of the military tailor, and is ungrateful to the ‘echo,’ if its repetitions are too numerous. An |aria d@’intrata should not last through a whole evening. And so witha young lady’s first attempt at authorship. You shall gain, by degrees upon the public, my affectionate child. You know the Vicar of Wakefield by heart? Well, it was Miss Oxivia Parmrose that burst upon people and astonished them, while Miss Sorpata won upon them and charmed them. You remember the result. Mrs. THorwHre was left a sort of widow bewitched—while Mrs. Groner Primrose, and her gallant young officer—— But you are already convinced, Vio.et; and OLiver GoL_psmiTH has wrought another of his charming conversions, I wonder out of which of the novelists of the present day, future pa | will be able to convert their daughters to wisdom! I suppose they jw be driven to translate Grorce Sanp. |. “So, Vioxer, it shall be thus. 1 will do for you what I would not do for a great many titled ladies [ could name ; and would name, but for making a hundred ancestral halls unhappy, by contradicting the aseer- tions of their lovely owners—that they ‘write for Punch.’ Do you start at the name, as at the sound of a silver trumpet? The remark- able, the extraordinary man—pooh! The preternatural creature, or | shall I say being, who owns that name, also owns your father as his intimate friend. I have not, hitherto, boasted of this, for there is pride enough in this world; but the secret is now yours. Yes, my friend Punch shall be your literary sponsor—he will not refuse the office. Send him, each week, a chapter of your long and eventful life, and, who knows, by your twentieth birthday you may have made a ‘ book gold creepers and all. Speak freely; the world is your godfather’s riend, and will, I am sure, be happy to make your acquaintance, It will be your own fault if that acquaintance be not kept up. “Bless you, my child! Observe im these words another proof of my confidence in you, for you have my fatherly benediction before your confession begins, “Your affectionate Parent, “Barptecoose Baomrron.” CHAPTER II. Ma. Atpany Swetiincton (fo his Friend Buowy. “Brows, my Betovep Burren, Ww (*Brows. I interline a word or two at the beginning of m \letter to say that I am heartily ashamed of what follows; in fact, | don’t believe I wrote it, but it must stand to explain the rest. _ are headaches which a fellow can bear ; and, Brows, there are which a fellow can’t, by Jove, | shan't, won't, | mustn't, and didn’t ought to bear. I've got one of the latter sort, whereby this comes hopping from Brighton that you are all well, as it t,and no mistake. lines seem to come doesn’t leave me at this I don’t exactly know | what l’m writing, and n 1 the page precious | Didn’t you expect me to dinner or some to-day? Well, | I can’t come. And I wish I could, Accept this , and believe | me to remain in a deuce of a state, A. 8. : | “How did it ? The old way, of course. No, it was not, Hanvey’s fault it was, this time; Hanver did it all. 1 was | in my room yesterday morni it might have been about two in the | day, for I had breakfasted a 3 and was smoking an innocent pipe, as | I was going to write to my aunt, and | wanted to collect my remi- | niseences; she don’t care to hear about dogs, and the odds on the | Derby. In comes Haver Borotrn, wanting my stall at the Opera. | Gave it him, (as there was nothing worth seeing) conditionally on his dictating a of my aunt’s letter; he knows about the Royal Academy, and new books, and faney achers—devilish well-informed pa MRS 4 eo iterary, i is u me. y | round to Jam's, and saw some wate killed, bat had nothing but pale ‘ale. Club; Horace Crank and Woseie Warrue there, au desespwaw \ Gs that spelt right ?) because a third fellow had thrown them over ; and that 1 felt quite Vot, Xx", -

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OO — +t ~ Seg ee ee mes * aman ——— ere ong ig Fn Beta = at rn 3 ie ~ gc lel eed pa Ee > 3 a ee See i a Sie al e at bai Py i '> r ait i : I: SARS dae awitsioy “ ap Tae thie vl ——————E———— * bcm ip ecg ponte yon esse A A a aan pense a | Members of Parliament) lived in two rooms | count | Then | the same after it, only noisier. PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. they bothered me to be the odd man to a dinner at Blackwall. It was a case just like all others; deuced stapid before champagne, and just Drank a great lot of everything, with the usual philanthropic intention, namely, to see if it would make me like my neighbour better. It wouldn’t. t to town some way. Felt thirsty, so Wonsy and I had some iced punch—a good deal, | believe, and cigars—and | think we went to some theatre, but | am not sure. Is there any play or opera in which a black chap smothers a woman ina bed? | have a faint notion of some such seene having passed before my ecyes—it might have been the Ethiopian serenaders, and yet [I don't remember any music. Anyhow, we were turned out of the place for making suggestions to the actors for the improvement of the spectacle, but theatrical folks are proverbially ungrateful. Where we went next, I don’t know, there were police to be treated, and I think I had some beer. We went toa glove-fight somewhere, and Wonsy being awfully eut, would spar, and was knocked under some grate, and may be there now for anything | know. | had a very extensive supper at the Cellars; in fact, two or three, for | kept for- getting that | had anything before, and was continually hungry, and id for eight kidneys and five Welch rabbits, both of which thmgs I te, and [ must have been rather queer to order them too, tossing some fellows, Irishmen, for whiskey-and-water, and their takmg me to some court, where five of them (1 believe they were all We were very jolly, and J was very much affected with their recitals of the oppression this practises on Ireland. By Jove, it ought to be looked to. don't pretend to know much more, but early this morning I found myself near London Bridge chaffing some men going to work. All. of a sudden a bell rang—it was the first train to Brighton. I thought of the sea, and that it would be nice and cool; so | got into the train and went to sleep, and when I awoke, a porter was pulling me out at Brighton. That’s how it happened, Brown, and you will see it was all Harvey’s fault, finishing my aunt’s letter so fast. By Jove, how my head aches ! —— GF OOO EZ G “]?ve_bad some brandy and soda-water, and now I am scribbling| because I have nothing else todo. Life’s a mistake. The world’s a humbug. Devilish ugly and care-worn all the people look here. They are walking about after breakfast. The sun shines right in one’s eyes, | making one savage. But I’ll have a weed and walk about too.! Perhaps I'll drown myself. * * * _ - * | * “Brown, my dear friend. Everything is changed. The world’s Paradise. Everybody is an angel, one person particularly. But [| can’t explain myself now. I have told you why I wil! not cut out the! above trash, but think no more of it. want you to do a commission forme. It is important. Goto my rooms. Viscent knows you— (I don’t think I shall keep Vincent, his morals are loose), and will let | the individuals with false rings | you do =o like. Do this. Take down all the pictures of ballet. dancers and all others that you would not hang up in your wife’s room. Burn them, or send them to Wospy WatrTe as my parting gift (I shal) drop Wossy, but not till he comes into his money; at present he’ think it was for pecuniary reasons). Take ing connected wit) smoking out of the place, and let Vircerwr have fresh eurtains put up | Tell Viscount to stop Bell's Life, and all other outing: Put all my ecards and dice into the fire, and do the same wi all the books you ean find—they won’t be mapy. You ay have my foils, masks, ‘and sticks—I shall have no time for them in future. if you wil call upon some respectable law-bookseller, and ask him to go to my cousin, Exasmus Guerxiy, Inner Tem and send to my rooms, instantly, such books as GueRxkrN orders (I write to him by the Electric py ay ), L shall be greatly obliged. Andaseertain, if you can, what ,one has to pay to be made a barrister, amthwhether .one.can do it 1 | half the time by paying or eating double,-or*both. |. “You'll stare—I will explain shortly, bat dovthe above ima crack. \Is there not asong about SraeLe Semon and Jeniesnta, gomg to: fair? I’m Smeow, or however you spell it, but lewreznta’s nam begins with ‘V.’ ‘Now, look alive, there’s.a good Brown.” I remember, | WHAT FOOLS SOME PEOPLE ARE !! | Evgeny now and then there comes into our hands an envelope, mith a superseription something like the:following :— ep hat boxttp 1 | OBFICIAL CATALOGUE OF THE Gwat Eyhibttion. Free Admission to Bearer and Party. | | ~~ J | We seldom look further than the outside, forwre iknow pretty wel | beforehand what will be the contents of Offensive missive. We know perfectly wel! that the document relates to some “ Vast sale of Grand Consignments of gorgeous and rare, &c., &c., removed from the Crystal Palace ;” or of “ Merchandise entered for duty,” and “ REMOVED in Bond from the LONDON DOCKS for IMMEDIATE CLEAR ANCE, in consequence of the late Coup d’ Etat in France, and Alarming Commerci:l Panic!!! We know that the whole must “without reserve,” and we ar fully aware that the truth isso far told, for the parties are total strangers to anything in the shape of “reserve,” being remarkable for their w- blushing impudence. We are perfectly aware that, if we visit the spot, we shal! find a parce! | of sinister-looking fellows, with very large false rings on their fingers, | walking about the place, endeavouring, by the aid of puffing and — combined, to induce timid and weak-minded female visitors to pu: worthless trash at the highest prices. We know, that if we asked tosee | one of the “ 25,000 Splendid Robes (various) at 2s. }1d. a- ” we shall | be told that the whole 25,000 were sold yesterday, to either “ Waterloo House,” “Swan anp Enea,” or some other firm, in order that some of the unhappy female fools, who wi to be taken in by these advertising impostors, may exclaim inwardly, “ Dear me! how cheap the things must be here, when they are purchased to sell again by the regular shopkeepers!”? We know thoroughly well, that i! we visit one of these dens of deception, we shall see some poor unfortunate being half coaxed half coereed into the purchase of some rubbish, at double the price for whieh it might be had in any decent } shop; and we know also, that if a lady has the sense and the spirit to resist an attempt at imposture, she will be insulted by one or more of on their fingers. Feeling and knowing all this, we cannot help exclaiming to ourselves, “* What fools some people are!” when we find that it is still worth the while of these swindling concerns to take premises, and send forth their fraudulent announcements in the heart of the metropolis. We bad hoped the whole system had been so thoroughly exposed, that no one could be taken in at this time of day, ex an oceasional dupe at 4 cockney watering-place ; but as we find the umbug still answers, W¢ ean only think to ourselves “ What fools some people are ! ” and do our best to render them wiser by a little wholesome exposure, now and then, of the tricks by which they are victimised. Who HAs THE Best or IT.—The only difference between the Frenet Chamber and our House of Commons is this: In the one, Ministers will not aliow the Members to say anything; and in the other, Members cannot get the Ministers to say anything. by & lew ( rend the I be, ¥

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SES&SE28 FSS RSEER ESB se BEERS RSs . ~ Ee | #86 A MINISTERIAL MESS. LMOST the grossest in-! stance of adulteration that has yet occurred, may be recognised in the remark- able and somewhat dele- terious compound that has lately been delivered. im Downing Street. The! article im question is Cabinet Padding, whicli; upon. careful analysis; will be found to contuin| some very objectionstile: ingredients; and whielb! are by no means genuine! specimens ‘ what they! to i sponge, which adapts it' . for absorbing the quantity of good tings, and es- pecially the plum. witli which it comes-im contact. | Some idea has beem ens tertained of ing G& to improve tte ding | by giving it a flavour of Peel, but the article is not to be liad,.and the few dry chips that have been introduced, are a sorry substitute. What | renders the Cabinet Pudding a more alarming failure, is the fact that the mould is defective,.and the mass will never assume a solid shape, as will be seen when it is turned out, and dished, as it is expected to be, within a rather brief period. THE POETICAL COOKERY-BOOK. —e— BEIGNET DE POMME. Ata“ Home, Sweet Home.” ’M1p fritters and lollipops though we may roam, On the whole, there is nothing like Beignet de Pomme. Of flour a pound, with a glass of milk share, And a half pound of butter the mixture will bear. Pomme! Pomme! Beignet de Pomme ! Of Beignets there ’s none like the Beignet de Pomme ! AX Beignet de Pomme, you will work at in vain, If you stir not the mixture again and again ; Some beer, just to thin it, may into it fall ; Stir up that, with three whites of eggs, added to all. ieee Pomme! Beignet de Pomme! Of Beignets there’s none like the Beignet de Pomme! Six apples, when peeled, you must carefully slice, And cut out the if youll take my advice; Then dip them in batter, and fry till they foam, And yow’|i have im.six minutes your Beignet de Pomme. Pomme! Pomme! Beignet de Pomme ! Of Beignets there ’s none like the Beignet de Pomme ! CHEREBY PIz. Arm —* Cherry Ripe.” Cuenny Pie! Cherry Pie! Pie! I cry, Kentish cherries you may buy. Lf so be youask me where To put fruit [’ll answer “ There!” In the dish your fruit must lie, When you make your Cherry Pie. Cherry Pie! Cherry Pie! &c. Cherry Pie! Cherry Pie! Pie! | cry; Full and fair ones mind you buy : Whereabouts the crust should go, Any fool; of course, will know ; In the midst a cup may lie, When you make your Cherry Pie. Cherry Pie! Cherry Pie! &c. LyscRiptiow vom THE CuamBer oF Derutiss.—“ [gi on ne parle pas Francais.” PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL | alteration, unfortunately developed in the noble | by a sudden change of diet.. The Loaves and Bishes have doneit | ‘a coalheaver. Wonderful is the impartiality of nature! | the fish that surely has the regal purple, whereas positively does not know an Engl | they had bolted 147 | | SHOCKING EFFECT OF LOAVES AND FISHES. Proresson TaYtor, in his admirable book On Poisons, has given very many examples of the extraordinary effect of bread, made of certain flour, and of fish in a certain condition, upon the human frame. The results have been strange and disastrous; but, to our mind, nothing so curious and fatal as those we are about to narrate, There is a loaf, much sought after, made of flour ground and eae Uolied thom: goides grain, and entemhp acetate few ia Downing ‘There is, moreover, a most luxurious fish eaten in the same locality —w fish of the most delicious taste, and costly as the lamyreys of Lueullus, The bread and the fish are much t after by two privileged classes ; their very cradles, are taught to consider : as victual sacred to themselves; IT — \ ~ oe for the two parties, born wi ‘ to appreciate and en) them. Nevertheless, deliciows and desirable: as: are these loam antl fishes, they are apt to work the most extraordimary effects even upon the privileged eaters; if it so limppen that they partake of them alter long hungermg for them. Proressom Tay ior talks offa whole Canton of people: being: smitten with baldness, and other physical evils, from having eatem of bread! made of diseased wheat ; he also chroni icti commentator, y, satirist, Well, then, here is the roottofithe matter: A noble Bart of unimpesctinlé fame; the very mirror of chivalry; thie rose’and expectancy of the lamded interest; the Ciceroof the Hbuse | of Lords, and what ismore, the Demosthenes of the Morning Herald,— this noble Karl, whose name begins with a D; aud or why should we conceal it ?—and ends with a Y.; this moble: Bar! lias, within the last few days, given cause for the greatest anxiety on the part of his friends (and their name is landed legion), by manifesting, on certain occasions, the-most ex i confusion of ideas. Several private and confidential consultations have taken piace ; and it is the conviction of the most experienced physicians and physic that the mental i |, has been caused | Vulgar mussels, impregnated with low ship-copper, will prostrate == | An Ear cannot, with impunity, suddenly fall upon the fish, the delicate fish, other fish are white- blooded; the fist that feeds upon, and transmutes into itself, the | Treasury gold;—even a chivalrous Karl cannot fall to with hearty good will upon suchva- fish, without losing his memory, and entertain- ing—if we may use 80 light a word—such a confusion of ideas, that he ish summer from an English autumn ; contending that when he implied May or June, he, of course, meant October or November. May brings hawthorns, and October barley ; and they are both alike! June unfolds the rose, and November pulls down the fog; and garden flowers and London. smoke, are ‘ley not synonymous? When a mind—once so logical—is brought into such a state by Treasury bread, eaten too new, and fishes, it may be, as the eaters. thought,. over-kept, it does teach us a lesson of humility; it does preach to us a-reverence for a common nature, whether manifested in a fantailed coalheaver, or an Kari of stars and garters. “Oysters and perriwinkles” — says Proresson: Tarton —“ have i y given rise to similar symptoms,” i, ¢, of irritation. About a fortnight since, Ma, Di—twi di i show “symptoms of irritation ;”” but. this was after an early, and almost his first, dinner off the fish of Downing Street. ‘The Right Hon, Gentleman ordinarily speaks nothing poorer of the oyster than its pearls; but on the occasion of his answering Lonp J—s R-—-s—ws, it was remarked that the speech of the Cuancenton or THE Excuxquen had less of the purity of the than the edginess of the shell. Others of the Government have, more or less, displayed symptoms of the effects of their new loaf and fishdiet. “ Gidk , unconscious- ness” —says Puoresson Tavion —has attacked ceriain fish-eaters under certain circumstances. Now, we put 4 to Leg om + CHaBLes Narizn—(always a cvol, impartial judge)—whether AuMinal BeakeLer —having eaten of the fish of Downing Street—did not display beth giddiness and unconsciousness, when be talked of being able—at a few hours’ notice—to girdle England with a protective fleet of steamers ? Before going to press, we made a dutiful and no less anxious inquiry at Downing Street, and found that the new loaf and {isi eaters were quite as well as-could be expected. [ndeed—but this we must premise is their own statement — their new diet seemed to agree better and better with them : though detraction would whisper, that one or two up- starts, after en oo of tte fiskh of office, did walk stiffly, a» though the bones.

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saa aaa errr gure ee eee RCSLT A ON ar NETS reese SSS Si perme 2 SaaS Se | amusement, HAI HAH | he | BS, ANY SSM bl A BRITISH RUFFIAN, lady. “\e you ane wot Satisriep with wat I nave Giver Here wuo writ Setrte wita you!” Cabman, “No, THERE AINT! THERE AINT NO GENTLEMAN Here Lady. “1 vet. You THere Is. AMUSEMENTS OF PASSION WEEK. Tae present week is a week of inconsistencies. All the theatres are | supposed to be shut, and yet all the theatres are actually open. Any- | body who can do anything, and some who can do nothing, feel them- | selves at liberty to attempt to amuse an audience in Passion Week. | At one establishment we are invited to witness a grand combination of | “Francisco Wonders, Feast of Lanthorns, Flying Air Divers,” and | other startling attractions ; while, at another theatre, we are promised | a “Solo on the Concertina,” as the grand point of the evening’s | The fact; is, that the suspension for a week of dramatic | | amusement leaves a gap, which it is found desirable to fill up ; and, as | legitimate materials are prohibited, any stuff is thought sufficient to open a theatre with. Any individual who can imitate a saw, and give a faint idea of the frying of a pancake, or who can exclaim, “ Brit, are | ou up there?” and can answer himself by saying, “ No, I’m down) on” to convey the notion of some one speaking in a cellar below—any person who can do this, or hold an imaginary conversation with an | imaginary individual up an imaginary chimney, becomes at once a| + y-something or other, and announces an entertainment for Passion | feek. All those ingenious individuals who spread carpets in the public thoroughfares, and go through a series of tantalising preparations for | a performance which never seems to come off, but which after a pre- liminary subscription from the bystanders, terminates provokingly | before it begins—all the itinerant gentlemen with paletots over fancy | | costumes, and tin-foiled bands round their long-haired heads, become | | elevated during Passion Week into Unrivalled Acrobats, Olympian | | Week, the same objections would certainly apply to the making of Competitors, or Brothers of some far-distant locality. They find them- selves transferred suddenly from the stones to the boards, or from the | gravel to the sawdust, and instead of a street circle of ragged lookers- on, they find themselves in the midst of a crowded theatrical audience. | In order that these irregular occupants of the various temples of the | drama may get = ane tak the members of the regular theatrical | fraternity are curtailed of their fair proportion of dinner and salary— | at least such of them as live from hand to mouth; while all are sub- | jected to a sensible—or rather a senseless—redaction of income. If | religious scruples require that there should be no acting in Passion \ ead Tueunr 1s a Gentleman ty THIs Hovse.” Cabman, “ Ou, So, THERE aInt, NOT JF HE BELONGS TO YOU!” RAPID ACT OF SAINTSHIP. peta ak wm! nPop ~~ pn a y , and consequen 2 Just and ious seta rather large “if this, to | condemnatory of Suerirr Swirr’s conduct in presenting “Monsicyore” Searie at Court, our contemporary, alluding to Mr. Swirr’s lar chaplain, for whom the “ Mow. *” appeared as substitute, “ Dr. Cowwor was in Ireland attending to his parochial duties. He could not divide himself, end be in London at the same time.” Here is heresy for you, Brethren of the Oratory ! ; Dr. Connor not able to be in London and Ireland at the same time! Of course he was, if a saint, as is not only quite possible, but very probable, perfectly able to be in two places at ». once; or if he chose, as a saint per | would choose, to economise miracle, he could easily have crossed St. George’s Channel im an instant on his cloak, and then have gone to be presented to the | Queen in that very cloak, and thus | have t the conversion of a heretical SoveREIGN and people, in- stead of ting rebuked by the former, laughed at by the latter. Aw Improvep Verston or Macav- Lay’s ZeaLaNDER.—Standing on the Bridge at Knightsbridge, and seeing but a few oyster-shells in Hyde Park to mark the spot where the Crystal Palace once stood ! You, THERE’s A GENTLEMAN fictitious pancakes in false frying-pans; the holding of false dialogues with people who have no existence ; the mendacious assumption of foreign titles by British tamblers, who twist themselves into all sorts of shapes, assume the mendacious character of Italian, French, or Bedouin Brotherhoods. THE PROTECTIONIST CUCKOO. Tue Protectionist Cuckoo is already one of the rarest of birds, and the whole family will soon fade from the eye of the Political Naturalist. They are remarkable, chiefly, for the useleasness of their bills, which are | crooked, and do not point straightforwardly to any particular object, but aim at reaching it in an indirect or roun manner. The flight of the Protectionist Cuckoo is so feeble, that it makes very little progress, and indeed is imeapable of any high flight whatever. Its movements are effected by short and sudden hops ; and, like the ordinary cuckoo, it makes its prey of the softest and feeblest among animated “= that it wy in eons wi bicies b . sat , e Protectionist, like the ordinary 00, has a strong ency to | take up its abode in a snug nest that has been already feathered by | some prior occupant. An instance has lately at a nest in Downing Street, which has been for some time occupied by a family of a different tribe, the head of which had im a pet hopped the twig, | intending soon to return to his nest; but on ing back he founda | Protectionist Cuckoo and party settled comfortably down in it. A Few Dresses at the Drawing-Room. Tue Ear. or Dersy—in a sky-blue coat of Hope; with long ears | of corn, worked in gold, very thick at the aoa iaien Rr. Hon. Bexsamix Disrazii.—Coat of blush-colour, embroidered | with corn-flowers (of speech). Small clothes with large exchequer | pockets beautifully worked with £ s. d. ApmiraL BerkeLey.—A complete suit of yarn, pitched very strong. | MeMBERs OF THE LATE Casinet.—All in cut-velvet. | How to Crean THe Hovse_ror a Diviston.—Tell Rexp to ven- | tilate it.

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“ile | if ‘al. 4 4 Tes xe =” QU A BIT OF ANIMATED NATURE. The Protectionist Cuckoo in the Hedge Sparrow's Nest. Arar 10, 1852.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. A PETITION (AS IT OUGHT TO BE). The Humble Petition of the Metropolitan Water Companies to the Commons House of Parliament, Sheweth, HAT your Petitioners, in order secure a monopoly of the Water Supply of the Metro- polis, have spent large sums of money in Parliamentary con- tests, which sums they have not yet had an opportunity of fully repaying themselves out of the pockets of the consumers. That your Petitioners have rior quality ; viz., Thames water, of a much more nutritious: cha- racter than any soft water, sup- plied in its natural state, pos- sibly can be; the said Thames water une enriched with. the sewage of the Metropolis, which is known to contain a lange per- centage of animal matter, not to mention the animaloules, shrimps, and small fish, which are supplied with it. That your Petitioners are as- sociated on the great principle of Self-government, or Govern- ment for and partners; d which principle is incompatible =— with any supervision whatever. ~ _That your Petitioners are as- = sured that soft water supplies. from gathering grounds, would fail in drought; and t, if Thames, water be hard; it would be harder if there were none, That your Petitioners ought not to be compelled to have recourse to a high-pressure supply, inasmuch as such a supply contravenes the great natural law that water finds its own level. That your Petitioners object to give a constant supply, as such a supply would do away with the use of cisterns—the making, cleansing, and repairing whereof now create employment for a large body of industrious artisans, who would have to find other work were a constant supply enforced. : That your Petitioners object to any central superintendence, as your Petitioners know their own interest best; and that such interest is often as high as 20 per cent., which would be much reduced on any scale of rates likely to be sanctioned by a central supervising authority. That your Petitioners believe that no gathering grounds can so safely relied on as the gathering ground hitherto resorted to by your Petitioners: viz., the pockete of the consumers. That your Petitioners believe a constant supply of water at high pressure to the street mains, would “oo that admirable depart- ment the Fire Brigade, and throw Mz. Brarpwoop out of employment, besides impairing the income of the various Fire Insurance Companies. That your Petitioners further believe that if water were supplied at a low price to the poor, the receipts of those excellent institutions, the Baths and Wash-houses, would be seriously diminished. For all which reasons your Petitioners pray to be heard by counsel against any bill for improving the Metropolitan Water Supply. And your Petitioners will ever pray, &c. An Affair of Honour. Ir has been announced that a sum equal to about £400,000 out of the roceeds of the timber from the confiscated estates of the OrzEANS we is to be invested in Rentes as a subsidy for the Legion of onour. Receivers of stolen property are universally regarded as partakers in the theft; and, if the Legion of Honour consents to share in the a plunder, it will verify the proverb of “Honour among eves,” THE PROTECTIONIST PRO-TEMS, Tue Dersy Cabinet would, if it could, put us on lowdiet. This i ion prevents us from calling it a provisional Government. Tue Last Cuarcr or Stantey.—We are sadly afraid that the last Charge of Srantey will be Five Shillings—by way of Duty upon Foreign Corn. supplied Water of a very supe- | “MORE HONOURED IN THE BREACH THAN IN THE OBSERVANCE.” Tue other day, there was a trial for breach of promise of marriage. The defendant was a young: butcher, e young r’slove-letters were read. One lowelaeer conalnded, after a high flight of passion, with—“ Good-bye, dear; for Segoe! im going to kill!” Punch read the report, andindulged in a philosophical ehmekle ; for, alas! that butcher-boy was, but.too striking an example of the way in which sentiment merges into trade. In a higher rank, a youth might break off his love-letter to go and make money, or to goto. TATTERSAEA’s, and yet not be a truer lover than that homely butcher-boy, who went = po crac to a calf such. a wound as Cupid had inflicted on imself, But suddenly a thought struck Punch. We have heard nothing of the app ing marriage of ze L—s B-—— lately. Some months ago, was not that young genius to be married? Is it the fact, can, Sat his passion broke off vee for reasons precisely. the same as those of the: butcher-boy? Perfidious. butcher-boy ! u wert, then, a t! Thou stolest thy idea from the P——xz! Yes, the —-a hein short.eff in his courtship—he. was “ going to kill!” NOT SO BASILY LET OFF, Tx8 only use that can be made of the old Birmingham Muskets is, that they be immediately discharged—ftom the British service. THE CRYSTAL PALACE REPORT. T is a common trick to write in lemon-juice between the ink-lines of a letter that which may escape the eyes of those unaware of the secret acid. Hold the sheet to the fire, when slowly dawn upon r the hidden marks, and the true corres- pondence stands revealed. Punch. knew that tricks had been saped with the above- named report ; and although Siz Jossru Paxton had ex- posed the juggle as om upon himself—nevertheless, thought Punch, there is more to come out. On this : heheld the Report to the fire of his glance, and out came the subjoined evidence—although officially suppressed—written in lemon-juice. Lorp StonrHENGE Examined.—Thinks the Crystal Palacea bore—a very great bore. It’s done what it had todo, and there’s an end of it. When you ’ve grown your cucumbers, you don’t want a cucumber-frame all the year long? Besides, lives in the neighbourhood, and therefore the Glass Thing would be a nuisance—an insufferable nuisance, Tue Dowacer Lapy Pompapour.—Had no idea when she came to live in the neighbourhood that there would be such an invasion on the rights of nobility. There was a talk about amusing the mob. Hadn’t they got children—she was sure she had seen poor children— certainly children ; and couldn’t they stop at home and be amused with them? The low people that were brought last a past her door almost sent typhus fever into her best m, the lower classes wanted a Glass Palace, as it was profanely named—(what next, when in her time what was called the swinish multitude was now called pea )—let them go to France, where she heard they were going to uild one. She be sped to state ¢his as an alternative: either the Crystal Palace should move, or she would. HE Hon. CapraIn Martincats, or THE Ramnsows.—The thing was a dem’d humbug—he would say, altogether humbug! There was no place for horse exercise if the Park was desecrated—yes, that was the word—desecrated by dem’d glazier’s work. If you’d no horse exercise, how would you get your cavalry? If you'd no cavalry, how would you repel an invasion? Would Nobden and Bight—what were the fellows’ names ?—Would they do it upon a pair of piebalds ? « If you'd no cavalry—which was the brightest gem in Hen Masesty’s crown—diadem he should say—and begged Her Maszsty’s pardon— yes, if you’d no cavalry, England was gone—insolent foreigner—homes and altars—tricolor over the Marble Arch—and all through a dem’d dropsical overblown melon-frame, that, he didn’t believe, would grow a melon after all. ae Sir Apam Ararat, Bant.—He was not prejudiced; at his time of life, no man was. But he would say this, and say it in the calmest, most dispassionate manner—for as he said he was above prejudice—he would say that until last year the people—that is, the mob, for he met SS Drs =}

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152 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “Tt ——|} none of the people, as they were called, st the Noah Club—the mob had done very well withoat a Palace, and if they once had a Palace of their own, well, good-bye to the British Constitution; and this he would say, without prejudice ! b ane: aii \J Bu ion DAN § Nees. \' = = Bo % *¢ Q i ““O! Don't Break that up, Master Butt!—It would be of Great Service to me.” THE BITTER BEER CONTROVERSY. A CONTROVERSY, involving much bitterness, has lately been ragi in the news- papers on that flattest of all remy Beer; and it is a remarkable fact that some of the parties to the quarrel have, evidently, not thought “small beer” of | themselves, or their commodities, Somebody happened to declare that strychnine | was used in the manufacture of bitter ale, when nearly every brewer of that article | “rushed into print,” for the purpose of —_. his own peculiar beverage. One | firm proposed that a commission should be immediately appointed to inquire | whether there was really nothing but mischief brewing on the premises; and another firm offered to yo its vats to the gaze of curiosity, and bring all its bungs into the eye of the closest scrutiny. Our old friend the British public is a little apt to exaggerate when it takes it ito its head that it is being imposed upon; and when an article has once got a bad name, nothing is bad enough to meet the popular notion regarding it. For instance, milk, which is actually nothing more than mere whitewash, is poey +e to be a compound of sheep’s brains and | other filth, by the side of which chalk is innocence itself; and nobody who buys a pound of sugar can be induced to believe that he is not purchasing a great deal | more sand than saccharine. Porter has been described by some who have taken / an erroneous view of Porter’s Séafistics, as a compound of Spanish Liquorice | and Horse-flesh, though we think it would be difficult to trace a relation between | the kuacker’s yard and any of our great London breweries. ; Our friend, the Lancet, by its exposure of certain tricks in the coffee and other ' trades, has made the public suspicious of nearly everything that is sold for food; and the popular supposition that bread consists of nothing but alum and plaster- | of-Paris may soon again have its partisans. For our own 8, we are not | disposed to look at the worst side of everything, and we are inclined—perhaps too credulously —to believe that our tea is not a// birch-broom, nor our port-wine ali | Sloe-juice. a however bad, has some redeeming quality. Mankind is not all bad, and coffee is not all chicory. There is but one thing in the world to which we would refuse credit for some extenuating circumstance—and that article is the cheap Sausage. “ MODIFICATION.” A New Song to an Old Tune. Goop people, don’t heed the objection, That we aim at restoring Protection ; It’s quite a mistake That we e’er meant to make Such a gift to our rural connection. ’Tis true, that with approbation, And all for the of the natio Some measures we ’ve plann’ = For improving the — - encouraging good cultivation ; But that will make no alteration, On Free Trade not the least innovation, Twill merely be “ Modification”— . As plainly we ’l] make it appear. The farmers are ready to storm us, And rents, so the landlords inform us, Are shamefully low, While the burdens, you know, Upon land come to something enormous. You, of course, can have no inclinati For these interests’ extermination; So we’re sure you will see No objection can be _ TO if by a alight tranmportellimy nd if by a slight transpo : Their load we can shift on the nation, You ’ll approve such a “ Modification,” Though bread be a trifle more dear. For the land, as you know, the sole fount is To which all the liberal bounties Of the poor rate are due, And the highway rate too : Not to speak of the rate called “the counties’,” Now if, as an alleviation Of the Landlord’s depressed situation, We could lav on town backs Some three-fourths of this tax, *T were absurd to call that spoliation— To people of fashion ard station, __ You’d ne’er gradge the poor consolation, Of a trumpery “ Modification ”’— To the tune of eight millions a year. From that very large interest—the Shipping— Protection you've lately been stripping, d never again Will those much-injured men, | Their hands in your pockets be dipping: Yet, though we see acceleration _ In the tonnage of each foreign nation, Spite of Herries and Youne, e have overboard flung The old laws that tied up Navigation. But if we could guide importation By rules of strict reciprocation, That were surely a “ Modification,” — *Gainst which no one could e’er interfere. Then there ’s sugar, which constantly dinn’d is In our ears, from the East and West Indies, And on which we ’d a case, Ere we came into place, — Would have made the most awful of shindies. Yet PaktyeTon’s great moderation, _ And the Planters’ known self-abnegation, Have settled e’en that ; So, though sugars “ rule flat,” _ Yet in ¢hem there ’ll be no fermentation ; Yet still, upon consideration ‘ Of the great cause of Slave-liberation, We may find a “ Modification” Is quite indispensable, here. But any fo-sgeting the question Of Free ‘I'rade, we will all like a pest shun, Even Cunristoruer’s self We will put on the shelf, _ If he venture on such a suggestion— And after much deliberation, : We’ve determined on this declaration ; Protection we drop— And the sign of our shop Henceforth undergoes alteration. Yes—this is our determination, — On which we will go to the Nation ; Not Protection, but “‘ Modi ae Which are different things—’tis quite clear. A Large Protest, THREE Deputies (who may be looked upon as the three last representatives of Hgalité, Liberté, and Fraternilé) refused to take the oath of allegiance to Lo Lzon’s new Government. We are astonished at the largeness of this number: for ever since Lovis Napotzon has been at the head of French affairs, we should have thought his conduct had been such as to have made every Frenchman swear.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL MORAL MADNESS. CONPRASTS WITH THE CRYSTAL PALACE. = LL —menedines of the Ex- _ “ Comparisons are odious.”—Copy Book. come are ase ONS Th the Palace of Crystal is doom’d to come down, Fe cioieel of mae Suited Rapa, he Laviows-in-Cninl to the Orvent | gg aegapny Bhar: The world that, amazed, its creation beheld,-~ sflicted with morbid irrite Shall be still more astonish’d by seeing it fell’d. bility of conscience. The Our is can’t quite be call’d over anes et rg jar me occa- Wilk srotares and a _— r taste; sion for the subjoined para- in pulling own, one perhaps might suggest, graph in the Zimes, must be That we better might do, than begin with the best. very bad—he is so inordi- Shall th za e Palace of Crystal fall? ere we demand, * ofthe halves. of thee. noles. fr Like » mermaid—the female and fish ill-combined. be claimable from *X2" Is the Gallery, which pepper-dredge turrets adorn, The most scrupulous per- To continue a mark for the finger of scorn ; i? son, if sane, one would think, . Seopa fox Art upon Euro of hog wot d like to be quite er place P pictures in o a 1s income-iax, ‘ingto i i was due before he paid it— ip vaaieaiers res still be suife tte atick? would, if there were a doubt Wall--peane depend on the comical view on such a question, give himself the benefit. of the doubt. The acute- Which must make every Frenchman forgive Waterloo. ness ¢ Aig o—. ae Ata can only be exceeded by the obtuse- Must the pigtail of Groncr, the third king of the name, mati i at “tt In P; still procure him ‘idiculous fame And his son and successor—a sight to deride— * By Saint Martin’s Church sit like an ostler astride ? A BLACK PRINCE AND HIS BROTHERS, Shall the D ‘is Sonia’ stay mounted.en hieh, Tux Puseyites should send out a mission to Africa. They havea As if it were Jenner’s; as near to the sky, fancy for black letters; and a piece of black literature, published in As though Yorx were owed a vast debt by his race, Lorp Patmenrston’s recent blue book, may be considered, moreover, Instead of the contrary being the case ? to invite their ecclesiastical labours. The composition is that of his , . sable majesty GuEzo, Kine or Danomey; a missive addressed by the Yes, these and such objects are all to remain ; UREN ; : They are eyesores—regarded with scorn or with pain— faloying pao : aon a To the heart of the nation endear’d not at all; Most people, indeed, fall. “The Kine or Danomey presents his best compliments to the QuEEN oF ENGLAND, would Tejolee at their The — — she has sent -r are very acceptable, amt are good for his face.’ Had thy fabric been rear’d in the public’s despite ; _ Hence it — be surmised that our gracious Sovereign Lady, Were it heavy and dull, as ’tis graceful and light ; Se ep | that he might perhaps wear boots, had sent him certain Had thy name been the hissing and joke of the am, bottles of Day and Martiy, which he had used ‘as a cosmetic. His Crystal Place, thou then hadst been certain to s face, however, is something that it would be difficult to improve. id Alluding to the Slave-trade, he says, with native cheek, perfectly But, being the wonder of civilised man, splendid without polish— iice wos, Resulg, Ok Ot caneweceee, San ae. 1s “ He cannot see that he and his o without'it. It is f l nd ERBY remar! cries Of Hear, hear tant ho dasbves bis principal vovenne " was nan ‘the quwe cee Thou, “ beautiful building,” must now “ disappear!” the Slave-trade everywhere else, and allow him to continue it.” But this last passage suggests that any missionary charity we might be Segundo — Kaa ae mitt nega Sane, His weies > Cocks—A Parallel. simply a 8 lorward ap ‘or protection, GvuEzo might as F 2 . the © erritorial interest,” “Am I not fh ches and a brother ? ne Does ney ny v bud. ‘hoe ony f iA wis eqeunes: oad m= he not stand in that fraternal relation to the gentlemen who want the Cork of ene ae ip the cimalanity of their fate, pte may 4 i ay en everywhere else, and themselves alone to be suf- Birds of fethar int ' t together. A lethen- foomn arti ‘ated Guxzo’s claim to brotherhood with certain eminent persons does not | 4°" , and quoted in the Presse French newspaper, “ sent here, Anether of hip vaanesta io thin: pe the Emperor sacrificed to the shades of his father and mother. “The Kine also begs the Queen to make a law that no ships be allowed to trade at ae a ey oe = Da the Cook of "rao sg onl sacrificed by trading vesscls the people are getting rich and withstanding his sutiority” "| the President to the shade of Napoleon; and in place of the dead Site ie ti aia Paialaae: eieam tune al. ane. enied. poclen, Se nephew of his uncle supplies—from Boulogne abattoir—his minded magnates are so desirous to put down, but people who are _— getting rich and withstanding their authority ? THE SOVEREIGN PEOPLE The military ardour of Kine Guzzo is, lastly, a point wherein he ’ 3 : might claim kindred with many chivalrous and high-spirited individuals| ,. OF all the Sovereign om there are none who so richly deserve the among us—we beg their pardon—above us. He declares that title as the people in Australia and California—for there it is the fault « He hopes the QuzeN will send him some good Tower guns and blunderbusses, ana | Of every man if he doesn’t pick up sufficient gold during the day to plenty of them, to enable him to make war.” make him a Sovereign before the evening. So that before making any attempts to wash this sovereign blackamoor —_ we ought to Yee a - at a of our = nohienen vend ogeeme, An Ingenious Mechanic. who oppose Free e an sific principles, precisely, like GUEZO,| Tye Morning Post tells us, that) illustrious among the Kings of Niggerdom. “A wheelwright at Huddersfield has built a grand waggon in a chamber over his —_—_____— shop, and is unable to get it out.” : This clever artificer might be employed by the Commissioners of 4 Joke’s a Joke for all that. Public Works, if they mean to carry on business in the style of their Art the rs Italian Opera, the other evening, there was present predecessors. among the audience a Wac, whose hopeless condition may be inferred from the fact, that when offered the use of an opera glass, he remarked} A Bitter Trurts, on a Brrren Catumyy (as the case may be),— that, “ to take in the full scope of all the beauties of Ze// would require | Strychnine. not less than a Tel-e-scope.” The unhappy individual has since ei): Lee ed quitted his family and become a member of the Police Force. “Tae Rounp oF ALL THE Parens,”—The Globe,

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL TOTAL DEFEAT OF THE OXFORD UNIVERSITY RIFLE CORPS. (BY A SURVIVOR.) “ Abstineas ab omni genere et apparatu bombardarum.” CLEAR NECESSITY FOR REFORM. To the CHANCELLOR OF THE ExcHEQUER. | You tell us, Benzaurn, I You wank concede Reform, Paes on “ clear necessity a You mean to sa: tl your ear To Justice a Chaat And only yield—for very fear— To something like High Treason ! Brigands the self-same rule obey : *Tis constantly their course By no means to resign their sie Till they ’re compelled by force. Deys and black Monarchs justice, so, ill still withhold, unless “ A clear necessity” they know Decidedly to press, Till “clear necessity” bears down Off Lagos or Algiers, And by a British fleet the town Is blown about their ears, i The Empire of “ If.” Louis Napotzon will not become an Emperor, unless rovoked to take that’ dignity. ‘The idiot of Doctor OHNSON, when put into an ill-humour, threatened to “go and sleep out night upon the bridge.” If France is quiet, the PresipenT remains ent; but if France kicks up a dust, up goes Louis Napoteon with it. The French Empire is the embryo of an—* Ir.” MR. HUME’S PLACE, Joszrx Hume has attained to a very high position; for, during a long career, he has been si y pursuing Reform up-hill. BOOKED FOR PARIS. Ir would be very foolish for Lovis Narozzon to erect a new building in the Champs Elysées, on the plan of the Crystal Palace, when there is one already finished, and ready to his hand. Why doesn’t he send over and buy up the original building in Hyde Park, exactly as it stands? The Messrs. Pickrorp would pack it up very safely, and deliver it in a large case (labelled, of course, “Gtass, witH CaRE”’), at his door, at a very trifling expense for him. We should prefer this disgrace to the one of its destruction—for lishmen then, when they heard their fathers talk with pride about the Great Exhibition, that had attracted all the world to London in the year 1851, would have the satisfaction of knowing that the wonderful building which had con- tained it was still in existence, and might still be seen~only, they must go to Paris to look at it! Refreshing Source for Congratulation. Tae astonishing genuineness of Bitter Ale, as deposed to by so many Bitter Ale merchants, ought to make an Englishman’s heart leap | with joy, that there is, at least, one article of consumption that goes down his throat that is sof adulterated! The Spring of Health in England must surely flow with Bitter Ale; for it seems to be infinitely superior to water—at least the water so called, which is supplied to us by our filthy Water Companies. 'O BE SOLD.—THE BIG BELL of the President of the Chamber of _ Deputies. As this Bell, which made so great a noise in the last Assembly, is now completely muffled, it would be parted with, a great Bargain, being of no earthly use to its present owner. It is just the thing for a Dustman, or for a Roman Catholic Chapel, as it has been accustomed to be rung at all hours; or else it would suit the purpose admirably of any vulgar rich people who think it fashionable to ring a bell violently in the open air every day merely to let their neighbours know they are going to eat their dinner. The annoyance, in any case, would be perfect, as the noise the Bell makes may, without any affectation, be called quite stunning. For terms, address to L. N., Elysée, Paris.—N.B. No Muffin-makers need apply. B in fn > ag ProverB.—Good Champagne needs no Gooseberry- A LITTLE DERBY DAY. Tat extract from the Jockey Club, the Cabinet, was sreatly delighted at Northampton races. the other day. The Whittlebury Stakes were won by the Eart or Dersy’s Longbow, which “got the pull” upon Dangerous and Postulant, and even defeated the nag, from the Westminster stables. .It-was observed, too, that Longbow imitated his owner’s tactics, and literally made it a “ waiting race,” by delaying the proceedings for an hour, for want of a shoe—we beg pardon, plate. One of the subscribers,..moreover, was * for not declaring his colour;” but this gentleman, curiously enough, was not the Eart or DeRsy. ; A Hint to Disraeli. We cannot believe that Ben. Disnaewt, the literary man, wi consent to the destruction of the Crystal Palace. ‘He, at least, vy not be guilty of such an act of Vandalism. No, we are sure he interest himself to the utmost for its ae bt and so earn’f himself the proud title of having given England the first Conservative Ministry that ever did anything for the Million. 9) ARGUMENT FOR THE BALLOT. Ir is said that the Ballot would afford no cure for bribery ; but who would buy a vote if he could not be sure of it? Adopt the plan of secret voting, and though the constituency might be bought, it is probable that the candidate would be'sold. ADVICE TO CERTAIN CORRESPONDENTS. . Tue Atheneum, in a lively paragraph’ directed’ to’ merciless corres- panei says, “Think twice, before you ‘write once.” Punch: eave to amend even this excellent counsel, and says, “ Think twice, and then don’t write at all.” A Democrat’s Derrntrion or A GentLEMAN.—A Gentleman is one who has no Business in this world. Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Piace in the Parish of St. Pancras, and Prederick Mullett Evans, of No.7, Church Row, Stoke N. both in the of at thetr fal par man Ifo hed er eng eg efile nm peg elery mag my hel yy Lind ong Benya yn ha ee Fg

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. shes) 4 5, dita sian get 3 © as

hi ey) i sas Ni

PLEASURES OF THE STUDIO. AT THE BEGINNING OF APRIL, WHEN Every Moment 1s oF CONSEQUENCE, Mr. Firaxe Warte’s Mopet ror HaMLet APPEARS WITH A Back HE Dectares 18 THE Errect or INFLUENZA.

THE EMPEROR OF FRANCE—ALMOST. Not very and it took three years to grow a pine- apple : efis ae sabe ta perteston tne ut six. months. This isa step; nevertheless, our age Seas Peperere— Chas to the peculiar dunghill !)—in a much “ History ”’—writes the Zimes, upon the harlequin-like change of Lovis Narotzon—“ History scarcely re- corded a more incident than that a man who for four years could hardly get a bill cashed in the city of on, save on usurious interest, should now be worth £500,000 a-year,” and lord of the palaces of France. Very good: but time is often the most ravenous—the most exacting of usurers; and who shall say what per-centage the President may yet be called upon to pay for the some time use of the principal ? : : nla pape write the President’s sqsloniots and ad- mirers, all is calm in France. In our Old Bailey Court, last week, two burglars, by name James Munrpny and James ILLIAMS, were tried. A police constable gave evidence that he stopped the prisoners with a bundle, saying, “What, you've been hard at it, mate P” : Whereupon, burglar Munruy replied—“ It is all serene.” the meaning of that,” said the counsel. “Tt means,” said the policeman, “ quite calm, beautiful.” The great Parisian burglary of the second of December was, in its result, according to some folks, “all serene ;” for at this moment trade flourishes, and Paris is “ quite calm, beautiful.” f Poor Murruy is not panies to benefit by what he deems the “serenity” of his burgiary—he is found guilty ; but then the burglary of a whole nation is another matter ; oad pea me to bide her time for the sittings of that ley that passes sentence upon usurpers. There is to be a statue—long talked of—of “ My Uncle” NaPozeow, on the triumphal arch at the Barriére de |’ Etoile. Tt will iy the Emperor—not the Emperor in the shell but the full-grown and plucked Emperor of 1815—in full coronation robes, with the sceptre in one hand, and the globe, surmounted by a cross, in the other. The figure is to be seated upon an eagle rising out of a thunder-cloud. Let this statue have a companion by all means; the Em- peror that is to be, holding a bottle of champagne (in com- memoration of the Boulogne invasion) in one hand, and a Strasburg sausage in the other. He may, moreover, be seated be a colossal magpie (the bird of vulgar plunder), rising out acloudof civil smoke, thesmoke of the second of December.

Eyz, WHICH

_< Tue Sromacn anp Its Dirricuties.”—The greatest difficulty, with many people, is filling it,

THE MAY QUEEN. PART II. Tr you’re waking, call me early, call me early, ALBERT, dear, For I would see the May sun rise on the Crystal Palace clear ; It may be the last May morning that its light roof will be seen, For perhaps they ’Il lay it low in the Park, as it had never been. Last May I oped the mighty Show; we had a glorious day, And everything went off, dear, in a most delightful way ; And you read the Address so well, and minded all the stops ; And there was that old Chinaman, with his pig-tail and Bath chops. Of course Lonp Seymour must be right; we ought not to complain ; But I own it seems a pity to pull it down again. That Iron Duke of Wratrt’s comes so ugly ’gainst the sky, One wants some graceful object but to relieve the eye. A Crystal Palace of its own New York’s to have, I see, And another, too, in Pans erected is to be; And with pride both French and Yankees will show transept, aisle, and nave, When in the dust of Rotten Row ours long have found a grave. When summer comes again, love, after our breakfast light, We shall never walk the Princes down, to see that wondrous sight; You know before the crowd came, how still it was, and cool, I’ve no doubt the children learnt more than if they’d been at school. A charming Winter-garden, I’m sure it would have made, alive with flowers and fountains, a world of various shade ; With statues ery heer the leaves, and perfumed airs that pass, Bringing the sweet South home to us ‘beneath that heaven of glass.

Lorp Srrmour’s wild and wayward, but he’s out of office now, And Lorp Joun Mannens is s0 kind and courteous, all allow ; That though J can’t speak a word, dear, a hint you might convey, How very sorry I should be to see it swept away. You might point out to Disragxt that it would be a bore To waste in pulling down a hundred thousand pounds and more, And that when Fox anp Henperson and Paxton all declare That for five thousand pounds a-year they ’ll keep it in repair. Good night, dear ALBERT; call me before the day is born, I should like to see the sun rise on the Palace this May morn. But after all, I hope and trust it’s not to ee: They ’ll surely never pull it down—Do you t they will, my dear ?

Our Country and our Colonel. THERE are words which we despaired of ever hearing from the lips of our Colonel. They have been breathed at last. They were spoken on Watrotr’s motion for the introduction of the Militia Bill. The Honourable and Gallant Member for Lincoln is reported to have said. “HE PLACED CONFIDENCE IN THE PRESENT GOVERNMENT, AND THEREFORE HE SHOULD Support THE InTRODUCTION OF THE B11.” At length, then, we have a Ministry with which the Colonel is satisfied. Will the country be satisfied with it too? In that case, our country and our Colonel will be of the same mind.

Minp amonest THE Potice.—A Policeman, whose Letter we must not mention any nearer than by saying he belongs to the Polite Letters, when he alludes to his cook, always calls her -his “ area pensée.”

VOL, XXII,

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156 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. “ EAU-SUCREE”——THE HELICON OF FRENCH ELOQUENCE. 8 alls ifying is to be prohibited in the Chamber of i will be to the orators to quench their thirst for eloquence. We believe this aa " drinking sugar-water a the Tribune was originally instituted to encourage theconsumption of French sugars but if the custom is to cease, it is terrible to think what will become of the two or three pro- . prietors who have po every beetroot had = small field of commeree, = Be coro tie oe N= upon it worse than = my t — Aig fell upon 4 i lia up ne the and for the” future nl to mix only with seat ee oe le men—the i oy fees and PArs- Mi Reenavtts — of» the N\ French Assembly. We see but one hope of saving off this Let the same quan- tity of sugar which was formerly stall be melted down into barley- sugar-sticks, and one of these hatons of sucre @ e be presented to every | put Député. It will reconcile him to the loss. of dear eau-sucrée, ont hs conve him of any desire of opening | his mouth as long as he can employ his tine so much more grossly by keeping them closed. The sight of such a Parliament, too, woul seed as gold to Louis Naporxon’s heart, for he would then be ane na see realised a Stick in every Member. The Stingo Cure. Ir is probable that the Cold Water Cure will be quite superseded. An advertisement has a calling the attention of invalids to the “ Rev. J. Lane, Saltash ee Plymouth, and many others, lately cured with the delicions and reasonable ALE brewed ry water from‘ Haray Hit1i’s Well.’” What will the Teetotallers sa a Clergyman cured by beer? We are not informed o hat malady it was that the gentleman was cured with the delicious and reasonable ale, but we suppose it was dropsy, as 4 necessary condition to his relief must have been tapping, ‘SMALL CHANGE.” Tue Electors of Youghal have cashiered Mr. CutsHotm Anstey, and are bent on conferring their confidence on Mr. Burr. This seems capricious. What need of changing the representative, if they only wanted a Butt P Common Sense on Wheels. Many of our cheap Omnibuses, we see, still keep the exploded label “ EXHIBITION,” on their not very newly painted panels. Now, it would be far more appropriate, we think, if they were to retain the first syllable only of “that once familiar word;” for everybody but a ’bus- man must know that 2 algebraically denotes an unknown quantity, and would, therefore, fitly pity that hitherto quite ‘ \eubuaee quantity ”—a pennyworth of ” News rrom Spain.—The press has been abolished by a single order of the Court. It is et that the next decree will, in addition to this, formally abrogate the mischievous invention of printing. Arrival ty Lonpon zveRY Day.--Ma. Basyum, to oe had th Exrectsp bid for the the Crystal Palace. ODE TO THE REV, ROBERT WHISTON,. Late Master of Rochester Grammar School, Ax! why did vou publish Cathedral disclosures ste ceca rr es iain Such Pile ue wonder that you were: on, Wicked Bos Wuiston, that you can’t hes contented wit oe ack by those ec preachers of meekness presented, tn had to make good your assertions : r or admit t thon unfounded aspersions Than their truth in that obstinate manner insist on, Wicked Bos Wuiston, Don’t know—though the maxim is not in the Bible— That ter the truth is, the greater the libel ? Had ae alsely accused them of positive: mg bale a te exist a Wicked Bos Wuszom } In accordance, of course, with their-sacred profession, or t bave forgiven the em slander; you humbly shine thee peat: icenatietinn on; ——— to Rohmaindeline = ile antchovel hab pam you know what fie een ie perio! ® called b; beard wile? TWO ANSWERS WANTED, Lorp Joun Russe.t wishes us to believe the following extraordi- mary assertion: + “ Ne doubt Lorp Torrmeron was a distant relation of his (Lomp Joun RusskE11’s); but Lorp Toarixeron did not owe to that relationship his appointment to the Gover- and | norship of Now, we should like to receive answers’ to the two following questions :— ‘s Whether, supposing Lorp Torrineton had xo¢ been a relation of Lorp Joxn’s, he would have received the appointment at “ And if so, what were his extraordinary recommendations for the office P for we are afraid that, beyond the io cdi of his Whig’ Bw ship, he 3 was not possessed of a single one, as the result too painfully rovi It would have been better for Lonp Jonn Russe11 to have confessed ay oe Yes, Lonp TorRINGTON was my relation, and, as I | m that recommendation as the highest possible * qualification for ce, I appointed him accordingly; and you, gentlemen, who now taunt’ me with this act, would have done precisely the same if you had the same opportunity.” If Lory Joun had spoken as above, we should have been ha » have eee with him, and even to have cried “ Bravo!” but Whi ter tells us that he did not appoint a most incapable man a certain ofica, simply because that inca man h tobe his relation, we must say, knowing what we do of Li that it omy ie so much that we cannot possibly bring pasate oma elieve i Our Monuments. A CorRESsPONDENT in the Times v ly advocates the ment of a Minister to take charge. of of all rete wat mpounenis of Lng and chiefs. Why not? And how easy would of Woods and Forests into a Minister of Ae an ‘Seence! “a Lorp Szymovur could double both posts: being both green in experience, and petrifying in manner. Our Maniac’s Last. (Fresh from Bedlam.) Way should a man, when he’s eating salt fish on a Good Friday, take no egg-sauce with it?—For fear his appetite should get egg- sauce-ted (exhausted). Brrrer Beer.—One authority is yet wanted as to the Cg 5 healthful or otherwise—of the bitterness of our bitter beer; authority eames Haynau.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARTVARTI. 187

FLOWERS ALL ‘ROUND MY HAT. Fine Cargo of French Artificial Flowers has been co: to Mr. Punch, of 85, Fleet Below is a specimen of the same. The manufacturer is his Eminence the Carpal} own ARCHBISHOP OF BORDEAUX: u know that Cardinal Arch- ishops are rare hands at making artificial flowers—of speech. These may be de- scribed as ornaments to a cer- tain pat of rhetorical butter, spread very thick upon Louis APOLEON the other day by his above-named Eminence, on the occasion of havin; wo | his new Hat put on his head by the|as Prince PresipEnt, and in acknowledgment of that com- plimentary act of menial «ser- vice. The “name” which the Cardinal represents undergone such metamorphoses is, of course, that of Bonaparte the Elder. your pretty posy of papistical flunkeyism and soft sawder :— “France is not ungrateful ; 50 years later, that name, hailed as a recollection and a hope, was borne from the cities to the plains on two occasions, and was transformed into two immense facts by the most spontaneous and irresistible outburst of which the history of any people makes mention,” Here is Fancy a name which was at the same time a recollection and a /hope, being borne from an indefinite number of cities to as many p not only once, but on two occasions, and then transformed by a spontaneous: and irresistible outburst into two immense facts. Fancy this process ; for, who ever saw the like anywhere but at Vauxhall, or in the fairy scene at the end of an Easter burlesque? Ifwe could venture @n the flowery style, we should rather describe the “name” alluded to, aan infatuation and a sen transformed by audacity and intimidation into two immense humb as ing |Our LITERARY INTELLIGENCE EXTRAORDINARY. aly capspeti sc nd Ovr readers will admit the exclusiveness een Se ae we assure them, that of tn betaine even the blotting paper of een ay announce, not one has its author. Thanks to before it is For promise our present. the exception of ie half-dozen or so from ‘J AMES’s never- flagging g nibs, there are i re vestiges of hero-creation now visible in the cerebral a berm to Ponty set that our friend Florence while The will form caneaine Looaiieested to The Lily Bi. Poa 1 Peale, It is t needless to ‘a-whole host of Yolagiarists have laid hold of Sm Fnawors Drovers by te © Sticks : be at gy ns a general. * base’) contemporaries have most out up. We . sent not inn _ imoalt our reac , lly et wp. Enough that 4 Bundle of English 5 _ ttands dey upon ur list, 4 wee the rest petlamentarygobemoushes will D hear that «a Ke == of Stiied soaps weiiy owl” that Barry buit cated mest a a pate and influenzaed Gommons.” oe ‘that it will betchristened “ _ We aremot as ree ibe Saison whe ot per bn ee for the is eminent expertness in figures have but space for another miglit almost term @ gn <RLrnenge = Demy iaaeds th (See Haneann’s Great ae a frank and en The worst of the ‘Cardinal's Douquét is, that it has a considerably too | ad strong savour of adulation. lts perfume i is not pleasant. If such @ nosegay were stuck in a true man’s bosom, it would make him held his head up as high as possible. : r. nch not know what his Eminence of Bordeaux is leased to call his flowers of eloquence. Now there is a little modest wer, just out, with the other Ses Pitot for th about this time, with which, perhaps, they may be classed, not for their modesty, but for another reason, in scientific botany. That is the anemone—in plain English, wind-flower; which seems to Mr. Punch to be the fittest denomination for these extremely inflated blossoms of balderdash.

Bloomer’s Practice of Physic. Amone ee pees from America, we observe it is stated, that at Cleveland, U. 8., nine ladies are studying the Hommopathic system of medicine, Homeopath is a very proper medical system for female practice. It is to be wished that ladies, in drugging their children, would we adopt the Homeopathic plan, and particularly that nurses, when they wish to “soothe” babies, would limit their remedies to infinitesimal doses of Darry and Datsy. HOW TO COOK A FRENCHMAN’S GOOSE. (An Infallible Recipe, by an Iriehman.) Pur Paris in a state of Sage, with plenty of Bay-in-it. Parliamentary Chemistry. Mvocx trouble is —— experienced in overcoming the resistance of a refractory body. The best mode of manipulation is to take your Paton, reduce him to # very small minority, and stir him continually till he dissolves MUTE ELOQUENCE, Tue Eant or Dexsy enjoys'a reputation for eloquence, and so does Mr. Diskaz1I: and yet we find that neither of them can speak out. A Lirrtz Naanzr tae Tauta.—The “Code Civile” no longer exists in France. It is to be called for the future the “ Code Militaire.”

THE ENSUING ELECTION. Tw these days of ‘electioneering corruption we have reason to look with peculiar alarm at an advertisement — a res le firm, which undertakes to canvass the whole community. object is to be effected by means of tents, to bo ot up by INGTON and Co., who, with a shrewd ap reciation of present state of uncertainty in political epinions $F pa fo suply for the ene election “ all nate ms of mottoes, and all ers.” Nothing is said about price, but we have - o- thet bt al ite = ence nce watchwords, in every shade and colour, itively be cleared er al lection, oer ern no iy Pompe ; off at the next use can cope made of them. We hope that Coronet Sisrnorr will introduce a Bill at once to disfranchise Epcrxeton anv Co., on the ground of their being ready to'sell banners and mottoes jeder Res that will pay for them. We, however, do not believe those gentlemen to be any more incon- sistent than their customers. ''o accommodate some of t << itis, we believe, intended, that a number, of flags should be ge mg shaving «“ Free Trade ” on one side, Sasaied tertagl on the ot atticle would be found constituencies hat of St. Alban’s, bape oe hes een be thas be prepare fo any “ eligible ” candi- date on either side of e are not aware whether b.. mottoes will be taken ion ba visbonge her See but we have been give understand that a aoe re 18 PE ren out, consisting of fings * with inscriptions which ma either way, and which, it is anticipated, will be very much in dona as the brs eg Ministerial He never will be such a Fool! Le ES ee ‘that it can afford ‘to = with a single one—es oe , 80 Original, and so eautiful as the Crystal We ‘oats ody say, therefore, that if Joun Butt consents to its being pulled down, after it at an expense of £150,000, he “ has been a great fool for his panes,’

THE PRESENT CRY OF THE “COUNTRY PARTY,”

“Hop hard!” is the motto of the Ministry just now: both ‘as to the reins of power, and their tongues,

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THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

ihe iY Ly hy yj Vi) if. a) Z y 4 A lid i Y TELL Gh, iy LL, 7, Mh th, Yj IZ 725 ,2/722e (L LLMMMEAMSALEITTE x yy pF PA wa LE G i las 1 SHIAITEPAAMLAL ( Ue jim. / Some. 4 Ap i] Mh vi] Sh WE ALL HAVE OUR TROUBLES. Sister Mary. “ Way, CuaR.ey, peak Boy, wHat’s THE Matrer? | quite MIsERABLE !” Charley. “An! aint I sust! Here’s Ma’ says I must wean TURN-DOWN CoLLaRs TILL CHRISTMAS, AND THERE’S YouNG SipNey BowLeR (wHo’s Not HaLF so TALL AS I am) Has HaD STICK-UPS ann WHITE CHOKERS ror EvER so Lone!” THE POETICAL COOKERY BOOK. —o— BARLEY WATER. Arm—“ On the Banks of Allan Water.” For a jug of Barley Water Take © cinta eek too tenell ; Give it to your wife or daughter, If i 7 “7 <— ht her, er duty you have % Very willing each wil'be To prepare some Barley Water Cheerfully for thee. For a jug ot Barley Water, Halt a gallon, less or more, From the filter that you bought her, Ask your wife to pour. When a saucepan you have brought her Polish’d bright as bright can be, In it empty all the water, Either you or she, For your jug of Barley Water, (’ bape e Fg ep, Mic Some two ounces and a quarter Wh pons holley, let daughte en ’tis your daughter Skim from blacks to keep it free ; Added to your Barley. Water Lemon rind should be. For your jug of Barley Water, (I have made it very oft,) It must boil, so tell your daughter, Till the barley’s soft. Juice of a small lemon’s quarter Add; then sweeten all like tea ; Strain through sieve your Barley Water— *T will delicious be.

Mr. Roebuck and King Charles. PR wre pamyye = ee ape that so ae id -he care to hide the fac’ necessary expenses election were paid for him, that he would print the matter, “and put it on the statue at Charing Cross.” We think this is a little hard upon Kine Coarzes, Having paid to the utmost on his own account, why should he, for one moment, bear the expenses of any other politician? Would not the statue of the Duxe or YorxK be more appropriate for all bills of expense, especially if unpaid ? You sEEM

Tue Reat “ ToEeatre or Waz.”’—Astley’s.

NO JOKE OF LORD DERBY’S. Tue Eant of Denny has been wickedly maligned: he has been charged with the execution of a joke, when his meaning was the very best seriousness of which a Prime Minister is ordinarily capable. The noble Earl, says the Herald, the champion of the Premier’s gravity—did not mean it as an after-dinner joke when he proposed that the militia- men, about to be raised, should have the franchise in virtue of their uniform. “Jokes come in with candles,” says Cuartes Lams; but this axiom applies to ordinary spermaceti, and not to Treasury wax. Yet well would it be for this melancholy country, implies the Herald, | if the jokes of Prime Ministers were ordinarily of such valuable signifi- | cance, enshrining in their pleasantness—as a don-bon contains a moral in its sweetness—such political worth as the assumed waggery of the Eart or Dexsy on the enfranchisement of the new militia. | _ Well, why has such an original, such an instructive thought, been , abandoned? Why has Mr. Secretary WaLPoue discarded an idea, | so fruitful, so significant? We do not see why directions for voting might not, at the due season, have alternated with the lessons of drill :— * Stand at ease.—Purity of Election.” — ** Attention.—Measures, not men.”— ** Shoulder arms.—And up with the Loaf.”— ** Make Ready.—No Bribery.”— * Present.—No Anti-Corn Laws.” — “ Fire.—And down with the League.” We think the Protectionist Cabinet has lost considerabl this original idea. Pipe-clay would have well symbolised: Protection; and patriotism have met with commensurate reward. by foregoing the purity of And

whereas the militiaman, with the ordinary rifle, should have had onl one vote, he who would shoulder a double-barrel should have enjoy: two. Moreover, an instalment of the ballot might have been tried with the militia; for , substituticg bullets.

-A LAMENT (TO BE SUNG WHEN TOO LATE) FOR THE CRYSTAL PALACE. Ox ! where, and oh! where, is the Crystal Palace gone ? It’s gone to please the French, for by us away ’tis thrown! And it’s, oh! in my heart, that we’d kept it safe at home! Oh! where, and oh! where, did the Palace rear its head ? It stood close to tlie Barracks, with their wall so black and dead ; And it’s, oh! in my heart, that they’d knock’d down that instead ! By what hands, by what hands, did your Crystal Palace fall ? By the nominally great, but in intellect the small ; And it’s, oh! in my heart, that they ’d heard the public call ! Suppose, and suppose, you should want it back again? You might all sit crying over it for twenty years in vain ! And it’s, oh! in my heart, they’d allow’d it to remain!

Naturat.—An Englishman lately inquiring his way to the French Senate House, was waggishly directed to the Deaf and Dumb Asylum.

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dV f fl Yy bn LLY )- E a =< : Z CIENT he Me a ee 7 1 I opng poy +h NVA! Kh 3 = = Wj

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“ADVICE GRATIS.” You’Lt 1nsurE your Constitution 1r you pon’t ‘GO TO THE COUNTRY.’”

PF en Ladd OL MINISTERIAL Punch. “You arE vERY sHAKY, D—sy. Arnit 17, 1852,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARE THE NEXT “ANNEXATION.” ary, the spirit of enterprise for, whi insaaiinalin eisenen our markable, is, we have reason to lieve, about to be exemplified Feo on a considerable 0 ¢ The. readers of Times will doubtless have been struck with the following reference to An naval expedition to the Asiatic from the New York grandeur. mation in phrase goes; and as there is nothing to for in Europe, the eye of the nation, has for some years been restin ing quartz mountains of C bent on the ancient shores of Asia; opened the next act republican empire. will doubtless. be This announcement, we under- stand, means neither more nor less than. that the citizens of the great republic are pret ; etymo! sade, FREY OF have algo in view, waves. of which celebr river will soon probably enter into engage in what be ealled—but for an obvious reason—the eighth cru- t is simply their mtention to annex Palestine to the United States, and to place the Stars and Stripes on that eminence where formerly floated the of Boumtoy. They do not, however, by any means propose to tread in steps of that hero--either with peas in their boots or without—for his namesake, the grewior of the famous cordial, is a Goprrey more likely to be followed by the countrymen of m. Their object is to acquire possession of Jerusalem for the. purpose of restoring it to the Hebrew race, for an adequate consideration, of course, in the shape of dollars. They other inducements, the valuable water privilege of the Jordan; the the composition of cobbler, cool as the hardihood of the inventors of that refreshing beverage. ’ THE APTER-DINNER JOKE. (T0. BE SUNG AT ALL MINISTERIAL DINNER PARTIES.) Ox! do not take us at our word; Or heed us whatsoe’er we e For that which overnight you heard, We may, , retract to-day. Though on a new tia scheme Last night ag oY inti- tary spoke, Though to dissolve we gave a pledge, up’ Amerien, on our promise some have bet; At once they’d. better try and hedge— We are not quite in earnest yet. What we upon that topic said The other day, we now revoke; oe should have been read ter-dinner joke. ig on the ‘alifornia, Our leader’s As a mere Though we have promised o’er and o’er, When raisi ition’ "Tis now an after-dinner joke, So merrily we rule the land— For novelty is full of charms— As jong as we can make a stand We fear not all the Whigs in arms. We feel our right to take our turn Government, like other folk ; To _— at failure we would spurn : is but an after-dinner joke. the sherry — A CLINICAL CASE OF LARCENY. A prEscRIPTION in Bates’s Pharmacopcia, illustrative of the state of medicine some two centuries ago, directs the apoth to take forty live toads, burn them a certain time in a crucible, and reduce their remains to a black powder, adding the scientific remark, that “ i prevaileth ae in the cure of ¢ lepsy.” The physician of Dz, Barszs’s day was not to be blamed for adminis- tering toad-charcoal to his epileptic patients. He practised according to the science of the period, following Batzs and the other lights of it, might have innocently prescribed powder of calcined reptiles, or mummy, or fiddlestick’s end, : Penal law is moral physic, and judges and magistrates can only administer punishments as ical doctors do remedies, conformably to > rules of the faculty, and the received maxims of legal thera- peutics. Mr. Punch may, therefore, ina case of crime, object to the treatment without accusing the practitioner ; demur to the sentence without denouncing the judge, Hoping this distinction will be noted, Mr. P. solicits attention to the fo circumstances. By various news- papers it is reported that at “ LamBeTH.—Epwagp Waits, an urchin of only 10 years of age, was charged before the Hon. G.C. Nortrom, with stealing a penny biscuit from a little girl in the public street. “The mother of the thful delinquent, a decent-looking woman, who appeared med with grief, informed the magistrate that for upwards of three years her son had been a most artful and thief. very means had been resorted to by herself and her husband to cure him ef his propensities, but it was all to no pur $ and the boy himself said that his disposition to thieve was so strong that he could not resist it. When punished, and even tied up for weeks together, he said it was of no use ; that he was a regular JAOK Suzrrarp, and should pursue the same course.” So it would seem that this child was not one of those that are spoilt by sparing the rod. A good trial, doubtless, had been given to bireh, cane, , and the counter-irritants, for the cure of this. larcenous prurigo of the fingers. appear from what ensues :— “ Mr. Norton. Has he ever been in custody before? “ Moruer. He has been tly given into custody, but on account of his extreme = and interfering in Kis behalf, the parties let him off. He has been brought at all hours for being found on different premises, and has frequently curried he could lay his hands on in my place. Norton (to the Prisoner). Well, what have you got to say to this extraordinary urs—this of yours to thieve, and carry away everything you can lay your hands on? “ PRIsOWER (coolly). I wish I eonld leave it off, but I cannot. “ Mr, Norton., Indeed! and so you will be a Jack Suzrrarp? “ Prisoner, Yes, Sir! jut the complaint was obstinate; as will further | dwarfed “ Mr. Norton. I must see and cure you of these propensities ; and shall begin seeing what 10 days’ solitary apt nae pe and a sound whipping will do,” " The medicine as before, The only remedy that Da, Norton—not, mark, by his own fault, but by that of his Pharmacopcia—can preseribe, How might the medicine have been expected to act, even if experience had not proved it likely to fail? A displays a propensity to steal at seven years of age, and at ten appears to be an incorrigible little prig; is sensible of a thievish impulse which he wishes to restrain, but cannot. Does not all this imply a.real. deformity of mind; and is it not as wise to attempt to cure that by flagellation as it would be to resort to the same process for the removal of the hump between Mr. Punch’s shoulders ? ‘The acquisitive instinct is asserted by phrenologists to be connected with a portion of brain that forms an actual hump, or bump, when “acquisitiveness” is out of proportion to the other feelings and faculties. Illustrations of this fact may be seen in Donovan's window in King William Street, Strand, next door to the Roman Catholic meeting-house. They consist in the casts of the heads of certain rogues, and if there is any truth in phrenology, the Ecclesiasti Commissioners, with the consent of who shall be nameless, might furnish Mr. Donovan with more. At rate, an excessive desire to iate is a tumour of the soul, whether or not it is comers — ing of Se See ee ee pap oe = e 0 on back : according philesophy of ir. Punch. , " That a confirmed scoundrel should be nee ae en | the beneficent whip recommended by Da. s Canty, ‘Mr, may de, because there is no other way to manage him ; fear his own is the only motive he cam be supplied with for not Camast hie mind, atone bedeentat we i ‘hing bo is somshow, , iy some such a as cation, in; those dirvetions wherein its proper development w counteract the love of pilfering? Surely; unless it is irremediably and shrunken imits higher regions; and in that case, an Asylam Ort te at all events, the opinion of MP. Punch, MRCS, that fi is, even! i ieational ity to steal, and if tried for that will not remove a constitutional i laceration of integument: and will be found to be a in a more advanced state of psychology, such a remedy will be Pp lnonabt anatiousbée. winegnthiads Uneiiaantinhenns tase, 8 !—The allowed in the French ly, is that fe gn ees leer

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARXIVARI. THE WAGGERIES OF WAGNER. © UR old _ theatrical figure of “a popular performer e Me pieces,” is like be realised at les for we are promi MavemoIsELte Jo- HANNAH WAGNER this year, at both the Italian Operas. Lest there should be any fear that marve may not 80 great after all, but that the lady may appear at the two different theatres at two dif- ferent he we —_ guaran ns all chance of this easy and common- place solution of the difficulty, by the startling assurance that her rformances will be confined “exclusively” to each establishment. Waenzs is a name familiar to the ers of German mysteries, and these, perhaps, will be prepared to reconcile the conflicting statements of the rival Operas, by anticipating that there may be a number of real appearances at one theatre, and an equal number of supernatural a ces at the other. For ourselves, we do not profess to be able to solve the riddle, but wishing success to both, we shall be glad if both fulfil their promises; and we hope MapEMOISELLE WAGNER may make the fortune of her Majesty’s Theatre, as well as of the Covent Garden Opera. MISS VIOLET AND HER “ OFFERS.” acrasmfillineecties ‘s CHAPTER III. Ir was considerably past high noon on a beautiful summer’s day, during the earlier portion of the reign of the British Quzzn Victoria, when two individuals, of different sexes, were seen making their way, in an easterly direction, along the cliffs of Brighton. The sun shone out brightly ; and, if the birds did not sing upon the trees, it was — use there were no trees for them to sing upon. But the sea, dashing upon the shingles, made its own rough music ; and, far away on the horizon line, the white sails of the en eee in the light, might seem the wings of some preternat beings, sentinelling the rock-bound island of the free. I feel it right, as the authoress of these papers, to state that the above beautiful piece of writing is not my own, but was kindly given me, as a beginning, by a celebrated novelist of the day, who happened to call while I was puzzling my poor little head how to commence my story befittingly. 1 am quite afraid that there will be no more like it, and that it will resemble the splendid copper-plate writing with which our writing-master at school used to begin each of the pages, sadly contrasted by the weak, irresolute up-strokes and down-strokes of the pupils. _ Well, one of these “ individuals,” the gentleman, was my papa. He | is still a very handsome man, who, I am quite sure, remains a widower only because he chooses, for there are hundreds of charming girls who would jump at him. His manly and erect figure would look perfectly imposing in uniform ; and, if those dreadful French should come, and pa should have to arm in our defence, I am positive that the instant e comes upon e he will be chosen Lord Lieutenant, or whatever the highest in the militia may be. He is so cheerful, and so good- naturedly sarcastic, that he is quite delightful society for any one who understands him: but I think that most of the young men whom we know are rather afraid of him. As we used to walk along the cliffs, or on the Parade, the wind prom ap best to blow us into the heart of Sussex, and papa striding steadily onwards, poor little me with him, and every now and then turning his dear old face full upon the sea, as much as to ask the wind which of them it thought would be tired first, I used to feel as proud of him as it was possible under the circumstances; namely, my breath being quite taken away, my bonnet turning from side to side like the cowl of a chimney-pot, and my dress doing its best to get back to the comfortable warm wardrobe out of which it had been taken. The other of the two ms was myself. Now, I am always delighted when, in a novel, I come to the description cf the heroine, an how her glossy hair lay in braids of exquisite smoothness, and how their rich dark purple contrasted with the polished alabaster of her complexion. But I must dispense with all this in my own case, for I pang ar pond dg ogg my dn o at a anything but sm or in exquisite braids, just the reverse of either polished or alabaster. For at Brighton some time, and what with bathing ( to keep one’s hair nice), and what wi riding, and general exposure to the weather (for J can “uglies,” which look like models, in blue, of the canvas-enclosures at the end of the bathing machines)—I say of all the sun-browned, gipsy things you ever saw, I had me the wildest. Of course, that is over now, and I have regained me an -room looks (whatever they may be); but, on the day of which I , I should be tell most dreadful story if I said that Miss VionzT Bromptow, the side of her , looked anything but a pretty girl (I will say th in the best health and the sauciest spirits, and in one of the loveliest morning dresses you ever saw, ia will say that, too) and I must reluctantly leave all the rest of my personal advantages to be inferred from the sayings and doings of thee nore. It is not for me to make the observation that the young men of the present day are not blind, and that there are plenty of lovely girls in the world; and, therefore, that if one obtains an unusually large share of attention, there must be something about one distinguishing one from other people. Papa likes places for such odd reasons. One gen‘leman likes Brighton, because you come tearing down from town in less time than it takes an omnibus to get from the City to Hampstead. Another, because Britt's bath is the finest plunge he knows. Another (a —_, greedy creature), because he can get a better dinner at the Bedf than his poor dear wife, who is always ill, can give him at Camberwell. Papa likes Brighton because the Parade is, he says, a great shelf on which all sorts of types of past days are put — I don’t pretend to understand all his historical allusions, though flatter myself I do know rather more history than little Caprarn Wetwyn, who objected to go to Lapy L-np-np-RRy’s bal costumé as Edward the Black Print : because he did not like a character which, he conceived, required him to blacken his face.) but it is very amusing to hear papa point out the poe who have figured in times gone by. There are old, wicked- ooking men, with thin faces, long noses, and quaint hats, who have drunk Kegent punch with Kine Gzorcs tHE Fourts at the poor Pavilion, and have seen the King make his coats fit in the wonderful IM eA manner they did, by snipping off every wrinkle with a pair of scissors, and having the holes fine drawn. There comes a gentleman in i with bright brass buttons on his light-blue coat. He toddles along on his ivory-headed bamboo poe enough now, but he was another ‘sort of person one evening about fty-two years ago, when, as he will tell you (winking wonderfully at nothing), he was planted in the first row of the pit on the first night of Pizarro, to cheer all the patriotic speeches. He carries a snuff-box which was Jonn Kemsue’s, with the geal t ian’s autograph, under a piece of glass, in the lid. This o in the Bath chair, who is always muttering, and who makes his servant wheel him out in the worst weathers, helped Lorp Netson to bombard Boulogne, and hopes, he says, before he goes to Heaven, to hear that the same thing has been done again, only with more su that “poor Parker” has been avenged. This is Sm AupRey Bratcn, in the great coat, buttoned to the chin. He refused to look at the

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 163 Koh-i-Noor, at the Great Exhibition, because in 1802 he a for the Pigot diam: as — for a Russian (upon whose hand he had ving swne-se: high 95% thousand guineas, he was afraid to go higher ;—it was pe aae pare or nine thousand hundred—the Russian lady threw omy over in a huff, and “he has hated the sight of diamonds Bat these two very old ladies in the low carriage are much more saga a girl, was.sortof maid-of-honour to the DucHEgsor as tried before the House of Lords for — tony Fe which Lapy Krrry Crocopuam, as F a, she got home—she-has a sear on: her neck, slashes.. The other, with a black: wig and shades.over her , and has-had love made to her by Minazeay, and was h Sascneala the pickpocket—neither ato. Be. over-! lady in , which she has worn for nearly simty years--she was Du Baxry, and was compelled to witness the poor foe ma suilotiings ation she and never returned. She lives in ome reom with a csnned Hak] France in male clothes, ms ha N iy nd re we with window, and hag:a wonderful collection of lovely little china —" and shepherdesses, w she likes to show to people, poor old thing! These are some “oa the a papa has out to me in our walks, and especially about the time we have been going to our ice—the errand on which the — were bound, |, at the time so tifally desert 4 for me at the beginning of That day an odd thing happened ; Mct'Tison’t toll ,geeeishesaeititis defame THE DUTIBS OF A WHITE WATSTCOAT, Ost le know, Item, Masnrapae the Young and in that cal wears a White iat’ Lop to hog no Youn Treanor t is to. the | duran heart a Young Englander, un- less his heart beats a spotless White Waite It may be as well, therefore, to inquire—sinee Waist- coats have had such a lift on the “body politic’—what the fo of a White Waistcoat w These’ duties consist as fol- ows :— Never to show itself, except- ing in the very best circles— the dress-circles, we may say, « society—for hu its purity coming s y mixing with the inferior classes who go to the a and Gallery. To profess a great love for r attem "Palace. to smash— them—as in ot instance of the Crystal Palace. times of the Middle Ages—which is curious enough, for that was a period when aistcoats were unknown. To desire to go ae a oe it is well-known that a properly-constituted bib Waisteoat never goes backward, but rather delights in standing boldly out in the front of things. To express an utter contempt whether our wealth, trade, commerce, arts, sciences, perish or wt as long as we fe plenty o iy ot 7 — o tenli ee . ; Ere le of cricket, trap-an rounders, greasy poles es, ji oe See varied occasionally with a bath or a lecture, to make them ee a yt weablinle f indifferent whether they have political rights or not, — to send society back as near to the Mi Ages as possible, when life was one dancing round a Meroe, and such a thing as the “ Poor Man” was own. The ab ove are the duties which every one who wears a White Waistcoat should have. nearest to his WANTED, A WIFE.—APPLY AT THE TUILERIES, Tue French President, it is said, is turning subject—matrimony. And with this intent he is getting rid of an old love, in due obedi- ence to the old saw, ere he begin with m new. The Elysée is to be cleared and ae and then Louis Narousox will take a wife. The next question is—whom is he to take P A ae Yi of Sweden stood high upon the Presidential list ; but it is -_ she has recently embraced the Protestant religion; and this choice makes the poor girl ineligible. The Emperor or Russta has no daughters to spare : again, the Autocrat is despotic in the matter of the Greek creed, and insists that his sons and daughters-in-law shall fall in, like a line of soldiery, to hisway of thinking. Prussia is, unfortunately, Protestant; and there is nothing sufficiently high and promising | ¢ in the Court of Austria, 8 has nothing better than a daughter. or so—by a left-handed Hymen—of the sinhbeok Duke Rianzanes, Portugal mighé offer; but as yet is silent. Holland’s religion forbids anyjbanns. his serious thoughts towards a serious re i, has “no daughter oP iy ‘Louis , ae would, in wel ling as a son-in-la’ ay ne ee ge aged m and whose social oe i ". worth “of t the notoriety achieved the President, lady is—LoLa a is, to be 5 to Bene —vhe ed x dat mariage time fA pee ty de 2 ow Swvis|fuler-carth to os ear the ‘OPE annihilate the past, the: presen’ - fale end and make two lovers—when they love—su PARALLELS FOR PROTECTIONISTS, THmag are certain landlords who have quite as much + to. compensation for the losses they =a through. legislative enactments, any ‘individuals of that class, ieee pesi com- plaints have not beendond, albei and how- the Saad f ions. We diads to cots 0 ty, and mostly of the Hebrew with the ity uasio at =. _Inesne process ees were wont to derive magnificent was aboli 8) Fan or and incomes from the extension of a sive aad to gentlemen in The d deputy of the Sheriff, on whom — the duty of carrying out the ultimatum of the law, is equally with his brother officers and the landed aristocrac; ey to a proper allowance for the loss of m1 | Name ted interests, or property in capital punishment, which he has been in a great ge deprived of, by the extensive abolition ry The ‘Medica profession ought to have been eh. A. long ago for the discovery of Jenner; for vaccination is not nearly so pro- fitable as small-pox. =z HOLIDAY EMPLOYMENT FOR THE CABINET. Tue Hart or Dexsy at Brighton—in humble imitation of Sm Isaac Newron—picking up se shells (when he finds them) by the great Sea of Truth. Mr. Disrazzii at Buck a view to the fature Hqualisation of the Burdens on Land, cal- culating how many black beans make five, Lorp Matmespury at Eel Pie Island, defining —for the use of foreign Governments—when an cof when an may tas sabred by a foreign soldier, when he may The Secretary of of the Colonies, in imitation of the projector who thought to obtain sunbeams cueum! sedulously endeavouring to extract ‘‘Hope” from the “Cape.” The Duxe: or NortHumMBerLAND, aa Lord of the Admiralty, studying to master the seem- ing nqueelny of making all transports carry Lorp Manners before the Glass of the Crystal Palace, wondering how he looks, and what the people "think of him? Sportsmanlike Offer. A very useful little book has _ published, called, How to see the British Museum in Visits, Its success has induced the dauntless entit How. to find a Vailas in ie. Hours. and we suspend yet om ; but this is the age gress, even at the British Museum. our a

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___PUNGH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVANt (MATRIMONY am el ‘jini x? S Me | ii \ i 1) : ve \ } i (i mistake :— ‘* Matrimonial Office, Union Court, Love Lane. ie ** (STRICTLY PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL.) Sir, “Your esteemed favour of the 10th ult. came duly to hand, and, agreeably to pes desire, we have the honour to forward to you our quarterly sheet of pho hic likenesses of our Female Clients. We were very sorry that the es you fixed upon in our last year’s sheets were all engaged before your duly honoured application arrived at our Office; but we hope to be more fortunate in our present sheet, which we flatter ourselves contains some highly eligibles. We should, how- ever, recommend as early an application as possible, as this being leap- year, Ladies are looking up, and considerably risen in the Market, and shares in their affections and fortunes are now much above ol Should you not be a to a shade, we should respectfully leave to recommend No. 7, her father having very large estates near Timbuctoo, to which she will be sole heiress, in case of her twenty-seven brothers dying without issue. And should the Great African East and West Railway be carried forward, the value of the Estates would be prodi- giously increased. No. 8 is a sweet poetess, whose “ Remains ” would probably be a fortune to any Literary Gent. to publish after her MADE EASY. Tue following letter has been sent to our Office, evidently in | decease. No.9 has been much approved by Gents., having buried ams ollowing lette y é J ™ eight dear partners, and is an eighth time incon: ‘Further particulars may be on application at our Office. “We beg also, respectfully, to inform you that your esteemed { portrait was duly received and ap in our last Gent.’s sheet of Clients; but we are sorry to say as yet no inquiries respecting it have come to hand. a “ Permit us further to remind you that a year’s subscription was due on the 1st of January, which, with arrears amounting to £4 4s., we be greatly obliged by your remitting by return of post. “With most respectful impatience, awaiting a renewal of your ever- esteemed applications, and assuring you that they shall be duly attended to with all despatch, secrecy, and punctuality, ‘* We have the honour to be, “‘ Esteemed Sir, “Your most obedient Servanis, **HooxHaM AND SPLICER, “ Sole Matrimonial Agents for Great Britain. “P. S.—We find our female clients run much on moustaches. Would you allow us humbly to suggest the addition of them to your portrait in our next Quarterly Sheet? It could be done at a slight expense, and would probably ensure your being one of our fortunate clients,” MUSIC FOR THE POPE’S BRASS BAND. Mr. Punch has employed an eminent composer to set the words of the popular song “ There’sa Good Time Coming, Boys,” to a new tune, or to speak, perhaps, rather more correctly, toan old one. Hope is telling a tale, which by the kind and wise permission of rival factions, is, if flattering, not likely to prove illusory to those dear priests, who are so strenuously es ak eles to decorate the stiff necks of Englishmen with “the sweet yoke of Rome.” As the Zimes, in a recent leader, says, in reference to the Island of Saints—the land of veracity, tran- quillity, and tenderness of human life : “ The recent misfortunes have swept away many of the gentry, who, whatever their other faults, were yet, by the extensive possessions of which they were the nominal | Owners, bulwarks against the influence of the priests. That bulwark is removed, and, from this and other concurrent causes, we are to expect a fearful increase to the numbers of the Irish Brigade. In the nicely balanced state of English parties, these nominees of Doctors CULLEN and WisEMAN will possess great power.” Considering this; considering how beneficially the influence of Cuiien and Wiseman has been working of late in Parliament; how it has tended to promote union amongst reformers, and to expedite the business of the country ; what advantages we are likely to derive from its increase ; what wholesome restraints upon the liberty of speaking and of the Press ; what an impetus to moral, intellectual, and physical research, and to education ; what pleasant interferences with our family arrangements; what an interesting emasculation of our national character ; and what a salutary humiliation of the English name, are likely to result from the predominance of the papal party in the House of Commons, and therefore, proportionally, from the augmentation. of the holy Irish Brigade: for these various considerations, affecting the prosperity and glory of his native land, Mr. Punch has caused the song ‘ There’s a Good Time Coming, Boys,” to be arranged to the “‘ Gregorian, Chant,” to be sung by all Jesuits, Oratorians, Passionists, and in all and sundry monasteries, nunneries, and convents, whereof the inmates, are yearning forjthe subjection of this realm of England to the Roman See; and also after dinner, in those loyal societies where the Porz’s health is proposed before her Masesty’s, in lieu of the heretical anthem of “* God save the Queen.” How easy, to be sure, it would be for the Ministers and the Op; sition to combine against Wiseman and CuLLen, and neutralise the blessing of an additional batch of Irish Members, by passing, imme- diately, a judicious measure of reform, providing for the corresponding enlargement of the English and Scotch constituencies ! But that party jealousies forbid : so, ye monks and friars, and foreigners who desire to humble proud Albion in the dust, sing away “ There’s a Good Time Coming, Boys,” through your noses, ANSWER TO A FAIR CORRESPONDENT. “Mr. Puncn presents his compliments to the young Lady who is so anxious to know the ageof Lorp Joun Manwers, and begs to gay he doesn’t know; but, inferring from the fact of Lorp Joun_wishing to revive the Mediseval times, Mr. Punch would think that his Lordship must be a Middle-aged man.” Printed by William B: oft No.1 We 4 radbury, jo. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, and Frederick Muflett Evans, of No.7, Church Row, Stoke Newington, both in the of Middlesex, Street, in the Precinct ef Whiterriars, in the City of London, and Published by them at Marte Flock Street. tm the Fasten 61 Bt: Brande ta the Uite af Lowden -Meeonnas, apr the ss

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"4 aor = ee ee are ee PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARE — E MIND! OMMEND tie, Mr. Punch, to a capital article in the tech Review on & pelts , of Brg ! is gratify- ing to fitd a Chure organ directing its at- tention seriously to the state of the interior. The Reviewer dis- courses admirably on Dr. Moore’s orthodox text,— “The regalation of our appetite is among the chief of our daily dutiés.’ “His sentiments are not those of a Puseyi or what I call an Oxfor fast-man, He has nobias towards soupe maigre, or any other supetstition. He does not recommend red-herrings, but refine- ment. Hetruly observes, ina oa It is said that no factis better established than that diet gréatly modifies the REAL FOOD FOR TH ¢ “ How often have I experienced this great truth when my steak has been overdone, and I could get no pickles! And he continues,— “' Hente Gaten told the philosophérs to send all the bad charactérs to him.’ “What a petal, proaenct of the amelioration of our species this sentence opens ae therto, in trying to discover the right system of convict-discipline, we have been beating about the bush. We have found it at last ; fare is the thing ; an entirely new system of prison-diet. We must, as the Church Reviewer says, “feed the industries and the virtues with their dai bread, from among the riches of this kind which the earth is instructed to yield.” The daily bread of the industries and virtues is not brown Tommy. The Reviewer appears to mean fruit by it. He has apples in his eye, apparently ; gooseberries and currants also, and the other natural delicacies of the season. So, then, instead of from three months’ treadmill or oakum, we may hope to have the offenders of a new era sentenced to certain terms of pine-apple, or strawberries and cream. “Does the earth really bring forth natural remedies for moral evils ? I wonder what vice truffles are good for? Would I not set about reforming it in earnest, if subject to it, which I should almost wish I was! No matter. I will take the antidote on speculation. I dare say that there is somé poison in my nature that it may counteract. “I know I am troubled with a slight acidity of temper; and believe that I have more than once found it corrected by stewed mushrooms. “*T hope, however, that fruits arid other vegetable productions are not the only aliments of the virtues afid industries. From the rapidity with which subscriptions pour in after a clarity dinner, I am strongly inclined to think that real turtle is nutritious to munificence, and 1 wish it were the daily, instead of the occasional, food of that principle in myself. The same remark may be made of whitebait, and, indeed, of venison, and the other elements of a truly generous banquet, inclasive of the beverages, from iced punch to champagne, and so on, which a It, “Some kinds of food, it is well known, increase the bulk of the muscles; others run tofat. If the brain has distinct organs, one species of comestible may go to nourish one; another may be the s pabulum of another. Underdonée beef may have a determination to destfuctiveness—milk, to benevolence; having thus, in reality, the ion to human kindness ascribed to it by a form of speech. “This theory appears to be borne out by the fact, that indulgence in ite eiay hens ogg (unfortunately) a general fulness of the mi apoplexy. “In these days of Socialism, Communism, Fourrierism, and the like wild theories, it is refreshing to meet with so sensible a notion #6 the gastronomic eration of Bociety. “I say thatthe Ohurch Review deserves our best thanks for the light it has thrown upon fasting, which, philosophically considered, is merely abstinence from all food likely to disagree with the higher faculties. For my part, I intend to reform and repent on a series of good dinners. I shall exemplify the precept of that excellent ecclesiastic who sings, “He who leads a good life is sure to live well, “ Experiments only can determine on what icular delicacies we should cultivate our better feelings. I should ‘be happy to institute and s fow eubporiptions ions, to ‘ ; ial "a. etudy, will hardly an vil Yam ue, be thal eet Foot humble ra ——s A NEW CHAUNT FOR ROCHESTER CHOIR, Wa ’xp surprised, Ma, Wuuston, you thts ‘insist on Sanaa gai t Tigniti ies nan Pubtipg fost a -roll, which proves Cathedral A thieves, ing small boys on the A Son of the Chufth, too, and wielding the too, Wititn the re ‘iad of Rochester ple, nat Ws en you 0 ve ca) er Dean, Bis When ow them all up in thee aercilate etple | . And when you ’ve the sit, t6 make otit fotif Gase, sir, With facts and with figures that none can deny; : What means the denial you make on your trial, * gravius DELICTUM”’— crime blaokest of die ? ” Tf our ancestors foolish had notions so sdhoolish, In this nineteenth century, s iy don’t mean To contend that the birchin ot Ag young urchins Ought to cost half as much as the keep of a Dean? With changed value of money, thére ’s fothifig so funn In the charge of a Canon ising duly increased ; a! But it raises one’s choler to be told that a scholar Ought to have his allowance enlarged like a priest. As = shy. who teaches, you should heal, not make breaches, And by your example to meekness invite; Not set on inferiors to judge their — And drag disagreeable truths into light. Zeal lading fiespetion don’t suit your protpasicn, And to tell truth at all times is only for fools ; Why, if you mus? write, sir, not speak your delight, sir, At the way Deans and Chapters behave to their schools ? Had you praised our discerning, unselfishness, learning, Our strong sense of justice, by courtesy ruled, } ; Laid it on hard and hot, sir, for all that we’re not, sir— You’d never been as you now are, unschooled, MUMMERY AT MIDNIGHT. Exeter is a soil fraitful in extravagant, A Bishop has blessed the see, and lo! it is monstrously prali c. During Passion Week, one Rev. 8. Lee, of the parish of All Hallows, announced his intention of holding a “ Mi ght Mass.” The thing, however, was not permitted, doubtless to the Christian sorrow of the Tractarian experimentalist ; otherwise, we are informed, the matter would have come off, as they print in the play-bills, with “ new and startling effects.” Many of the zealous would have typified the faith within them, by carrying to the Mass a dark-lanthorn; whilst fancy-dresses, a 4a Guy Fawkes—with the supplementary grace of a mask—had been bespoken by the more enthusiastic. We may aly expect a very pastoral and pious letter on the subject from BtsHor PirtPorts to Miss SELLON. HULES FOR HEALTH. By a Scotch Philosopher, tho has tried them ail, Never drink hing but water. Never eat anyt' but oatmeal. Wear the thickest every day Walk fifteen miles ny. se a) mil it is best to remain single, for Avoid all excitement ; conseque then you will be free from all house cares and matrimonial troubles, playing at catds, and and you will have no children to tt, The same ruie appli to smoking, snuff, I . arguing with an Irishman. They are all strong excitements, which must be rigidly avoided, if you value in the least your health, | By attending carefully to the above rules, there is every probability that you may live to a hundred years, and that you enjoy your hundredth year fully as much as you did your twenty-first. Miurrany Inreiiteence.—A Precocious Cadet at Addiscombe, researches into this branch of Moral Philosophy, if I the means ; being asked for his opinion on the subject of Calibte, replied at once that he ¢ decided Bore. 3 e considered it a VOL, XXII,

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. HAVOC IN ROMAN HISTORY! To Proresson Francis W. Newman, on the Strength of his recent Work, “ Regal Rome.” OW could you, Frank NEwMAN, with cruel acumen, Besohardin your earnest pursuit of the True, As the names of old glory, in Rome’s early story, To ae into myths in the man- ner you do? The pious Ainzas henceforward must be as An incredible WaLxer—a fabu- lous Noakes; And “ fidus AcHa- | TES” conjoined as a mate is With Exizasetu Martin—a hum- bug and hoax. S All a) | eile The views you’ve “ft > ' asserted, the faith y 3 have subverted Which youth upon Remus and Romuv.wvs pins; Like bubbles you ’ve burst *em—no wolf ever nursed ’em ; They were what you may call Mrs. Harris’s twins. As for Numa Pomrriius, and Tutivs Hostiuvs, oe poy aes ym ony roe pra — ’re nothin wi im on young ges— C An eras of bottled smoke, phantoms, and shams. The doubts you awaken, so wholly have shaken Our belief, that, in short, it is equally small As regards ancient Romans, and ghosts, dreams, and omens ; For we almost suspect there weren’t any at all. The Quinites we question ; and for our digestion The Patres Conscripti are something too tough ; With consuls and lictors, whom boa-constrictors May swallow; and tribunes, and ediles, and stuff. We doubt both Horatn, and eke Curtati ; And infer that their fight could have never occurr’d : In the Dect oft quoted, so called self-devoted, We consider all credence as simply absurd. In the two brothers Graccuus, no more than in Baccuvs, Do we put any faith: we class Piso with Pan, ; And MeTetuvs with Janus, and CortoLanus With Aroxto, convinced there was no such a man. Our assurance of Mantus is very precarious ; And Syx1a on rather loose evidence leans ; The legend of Crassus smacks much of Parnassus, ' And is only a story to tell the Marines. Of Curtivs the jumper, the tale is a thumper, So monstrous, that modern Rome scarcely has told— And she doesn’t boggle—of pictures that goggle, ; Or statues that nod, one more glaringly bold. ; Unsatisfied reason on CaTILINe’s treason Is forced with the eye of suspicion to look ; And will the oration bear investigation In which they say Cicero brought him to_book ? , Of Brutus and Casstus we can’t be so rash as To credit one half, if one word, that we read ; And Pompry and Casar by many degrees are Too apocryphal fellows to hold in our creed. There are Satiust and Livy—we ’d trust Hooxnam SNIVEY As soon as the former—must take, we’re afraid, The other one’s statements with suchlike abatements Of the scoundrels and heroes—the We are led to adopt one like sceptical view; For their actions related so long back are dated, ye ber > very far off, we pong tha think them true, You prove ancient History so clouded with mystery, we *d as readily call 6 troubadour’s rhymes ; . And the Past seems with fable so mixed, that we ’re able To believe little more than we read in the Zimes, MISS VIOLET AND HER “ OFFERS.” ——— CHAPTER IV. pa has been going on at me, in his quiet teasing end how long. Just as if it was my fault! or as if there was any fault at all anywhere, except that stupid Mz. Murron’s, for not ha his shop made twenty times as > as it is, so that saci could | their ices without other people bru: so closely by in passing, excuse for getting other spoons and presenting them. _ : much harm in that, but papa is so aggravating when he likes. I believe he could talk round and round a Bijou Almanac until it seemed a Office ners And then he’s so good-natured all the time, that— But I promised to tell all about it. =I suppose everybody in the world knows Murrton’s at Brighton. Papa calculates that. on an average, during the season, 2000 jokes are made, every week, on the unfortunate man’s name. new-comer, of course, considers it his duty to be smart on poor Mr. Mrrton, wonders that people who have been down at Brighton for three don’t h. phoed pay himself made a joke about bim, but it was in Latin, addressed to two fast Oxford men, hye hy! course, did understand it. But Dr. Croisters, Dean of St. MitpEew’s (who knows that papa is intimate with several Bi ), applauded it so heartily, that I made him write it down forme. Some officers, it seems, had running in debt with Mr. Mutton, who could never get any money from them. But as two of them came into the shop one day, papa, quoting the Fourth Satire of Horace (“». oa Dean has written, but [ don’t know what that means), di them as poopie, “ Longa quibus facies Ovis erit;” which I understand meant people to whom Mr. Mutton would pull a long face. Well, Mourrton’s was very full, and we were all taking our lunch in that comfortable state of squeeze common at supper-time in third-rate squares, where folks who can’t afford to = man a ask three times as many people as the poor little house will . One don’t mind it at supper, however, use sometimes comes out of it, and at any rate, it would be ill-natured to complam; but in a hot shop, in the middle of the day, it is very disagreeable. Papa and I were separated, and I was standing, and making haste with my strawberry ice (spoiling my gloves, indeed), in order to get away, when that Mrs. Masor Kitpiecry, of somewhere in Ireland, came pushing past me, with a great plate of smoking soup held tight in bot hands (her gloves were safe enough, for, if she has any, she never me them out), strawberry z8 Ey SE Lt & fs and knocked my spoon out of my fingers, sending a dab o' ice into the red-hot face of GenzRaL Banex, who was sitting near me—and serve him right, for his Anglo-Indian selfishness in not givi me his seat. I expected to hear the ice hiss on his fiery perf Mrs. Kirricer held on her way; but looked round, with her good- natured Irish grimace (there’s no being angry with that merry, vulgar face), and cried out, : * Ye ’ll hould the silver belgie, darlin’, when ye’re my age.” (And tight enough she holds it, if all is true that people say ners ~~! that plate “ — = — — for oars, but, aJOBR KILPIGGIN will play a iards with everybody, e will beat him, and balf-pay won't go far with billiards and while poor creatures.) But she never even my In a moment I was conscious of a very strong odour a rather tall man leaned over some others, took a another spoon about to be handed to somebody me, with a sort of grave bow. I took it, of course, and then I I would look at the civil person who i certainly handsome, but looked as i been up ‘about a hundred nights, and had not water all the time. His dress was careless, altogether he had the look and manner of a gentleman. all I should have ever thought about the matter; ured. Now, gentlemen do not often do this; him, he actually colo but when such an accident does they always seem As we do those which Baron MuncHavuseEn has made. ashamed of themselves. But this person, although his face

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON

CHARIVARI. 167

pen ek a Nempprge wee Bere Ray ee tg Evrae except my co! e » not exac with Ak like that mentioned in the Cc — ~ Novels, when the heroine gaze, about it, and, indeed, about Tene tt HANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER’S meets somebody who is “her Destiny.” Perhaps I stood his look the hundredth part of a moment longer than was quite proper, but uy i, and the next moment rude old GznzRraL along the counter to get at another great sticky Bath-bun. looked at ANGLE got up - lage on an ins is chair was taken from behind him by m yt 5 too friend, and placed never dreaming of what ad happened, would peep on I do no’ his for me, and the General, down on the floor, but for the other saying, in a careless kind of way, Tank ay in all his life; and turni saw his chair gone, and Myyaiibe L, Up % Oe

lil refugees—our great offence—by giving protection to Rosas. bo ype has actuall landed here, and taken up his le on our domestic hearth !—the tiger-cat is sprawling comfortably before the English fire. One thing is perfectly clear. Someth for Rosas. A whisper has gone abroad that the excellent — is in ces ee Now Oe ime for reactionary party. Pay your money, gentlemen. You don’t surely intend that AS 8 have to resort to ublic mendicancy. We cannot think without a tear {which may be seen at the office) of Rosas sitting on the pavement—drawing with coloured chalk the head of Jupas on the stones to excite the sympathy of reactionaries ! The y r Dionysius, in old times, when kicked out of his Fingdo turned schoolmaster. But modern 5 ee - aaa not the necessary knowledge to fill that situa must be done Twopence more! This is the t+ Rosas who supplied the jails and gallows of his aaa os long. Business in that line falling short, Rosas has been obliged to withdraw, and throw himself on the charity of the inhuman. The application, we believe, is to be backed up by a fragment from the appropriate ‘8 Opera— 4: “ Rosas and party their wants disclose ; Tip him some money for victuals and hose :” or, if there my ae to be an indecorousflevity about that, Punch will have no objection to dash off a parody about Rosas by Bendemeer’s Stream, as his contribution to the subscription. We hope to hear of its being set on foot soon ; for, if és in difficulties, how can he go to the fashionable balls of the season? unless, indeed, he can manage to do, what he made his countrymen often do—dance upon nothing

How To VEentTiLate THE House or Commons.—Des' the rotten boroughs that, duly represented, continually

An “ Arny Noruine.”—The Ventilation of the House Commons.}

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168 -PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OHARIVARL THE CRYSTAL PALACE DESTRUCTIVES AND THE FIRST OF MAY, Tue Chartists toe Age as “hey | most were their Tenth of April, The vul- gar mob—the un- Geshed—the pro- Hligate and brutal- were all for he perpetrati ad ious mischi Oe mene and M6 cas and led on to the destruction of our constitution — —that “entire and > perfect ch rysolite” SS by GENERAL Beertirnat on the Tenth of Apel ‘how, the elegant Destruc- tives of Hyde ark propose to have their First of May. The refined crowd—the perfumed mob—the delicate and exquisite rabble of May|® Fair—have vowed to destroy the peaple’s ¢ =e Crystal Palace—to oF in faet, their destructive First of The Tenth of April saw Fearcus O’Connor in "ul his pride - ecemeangeh And, for the First of May, we may read—“ EYMOUR, vice Fearous O’Connor, superseded.’ That Tenth of April is still a grand day in the memory of the men of order. Even now, eloquent Members of Parliament, touching upon the “ political. earthquakes that have rocked, and crushed, and scattered foreign Constitutions,’—even now, they y, glowinely apostrophise ‘ * that | oor ~~ moral triumph of the Tenth of April.” We have no doubt that t rench President, himself a constable on that eventful day, is now then suffused with a recollection of its glory Well, threatening anarchy was defeated by a combination of the orderly and the pacific. Let us, on the First of May to come, the like means eer on the Tenth of April, now historic. t all the wise, an gf => , and peace-loving combine to put down a of Hyde Park—to scatter and confound the Mob of May Fair Wit says Sin JossrH Paxton? What does he promise the people by the conservation of the Orystal Palace? Hearken ! “ Three m sufficient Hottoctuce! ve chowhoe fe 8 fitended, pony Mead oh wig Lem» yan recreation of the people with the advancement of the arts, science, and manufactures, “In the first place, a portion of the space may he allotted toa winter garden embel- lished with fountains, statuary, geological specimens, and a great variety of other interesting objects. ' Another portion might be appropriated for the oy ene of new inventions and of @ ‘ trade collection ' in illustration of the commerce of the country. “ Lastly, the building = contain a gallery of design, a the promotion of taste among manufacturers and the public; and lecture-rooms and musgums, which would relieve the already overcro state of many of our greatest scientific institutions.” rtain peculiarities of the lant, Gere Oh, people! Your winter garden—that he—is threatened ! cites 06 pee Your cpt dried up! Your satvary—that wrest silent teacher of | « - Agen og ye repo ae Se andr proper per ti al a the grand and beautiful —refused that be shoal ait ° ooking mye with the Your lecture-rooms and muscu that may he—sacrificed to a mob} ove, the left,” of the idle and the particularly select ! n have RT upon all this, Eveale of England! law-lords are arming for the First of May. our Court of Chanoery. Frere is 0 ae ye roeling ’ w ge take the field—exclusive lordlings gallop to the with a “gloomy stare” sete ae H — im, Chancery system, a most oivi le of England, “ae yousesives i ourselves as special and twitching whiskers at iven tin ts a Crystal Palace, and a eat the Destructives be of the First of May! before him. An Qld Saying pulled to Pieces. A youne Lady wien to us, of Cannone We have it on the siete 4 an old saying, that there is “ wisdom | hears so much in the ine a wig i TF a Rites re y, who has been two or three times to the | stupid things ; for, = what declares, ps Coeagh he e has always dancing, no ices, no supper, nO a X pitentio mth ere t ‘ wisdom | she possibly imagine Pa Wie! or in a Tory ei them,” Noroniovs Hawps ar Paaca-Wonx.--Mzssns, Conpzy, Baien?, and Stureg. eae THE ASTRONOMY OF THE STAGE. a of the often Rerkngeo) ena W rovo-| Iie in wotld sari vent pe o Gennes _= 1 bea e a an : most anti “celestial ad 3s the sah of iis in fhe form fers the Pies newspaper. raa's sree of noe derrate t ae or importance of this gentleman’s series of | games § th the moon and stars; bus, on the contrary, : with fulness eve pew anno ment of some 1 which never re seen, or 0) adjacent yostherpooks which leads to the o infeFonce is unusual disturbance of the sky blue, or the way, currents, We, however, t 2 enk the » ietnnatt Ie Biage w accurately noted and reported, furnish that Behe mys to the savant which seems necessary to fit him for the task a oolblie enlightenment, In the Astronomy of the Stage we do not include that annually increasing family of stars which our old friend, Mx. C. Apams, brings out of his packing-case * exhibition at the Adelphi during Passion Week, and which, in the present year, enabled him to announce no 22 ADDITIONAL PLANETS, If the peegvens of discovery continues at its recent rate, and Mr Apams still proceeds— “ On Orreries’ heads Orreries t’accumulate,” we shall know of no to his pymales of additional planets, but the so many “thousand nal lam pe , On & ht. Excluding Mr. Apams and his collection of “ retty little t stars” from the more vulgar astronomy of the s let 2 ere at re ay ag it rose the other ~ ) “round as my sh Wy y hoop, for icity v0 nae ge oe yal Italian Opera. ow ] coisa a ae Sees point, the emptied bp aly a th and wo act, tough. tt vind Fa ny miestes, ab least | its we } — soo tent with the conduc moon oe of of be ip Shia ‘om on t eee at Sat S. Se pis ay rk “Be tion of one Spor ih ist os shell t have aah knock weyer, % = a sudde It w fave passed by her pale rays; or even would, by the aid of a meas ee euie an An Old Law Lion, In Ma. Forsyru’s excellent work, 4 Fiisers i hod State of Parties in the mA of i ih Tue Wonst Form oF Faxxou Sesxwiredenly 1,200,000 French eorsets are imported into this country every

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVART.

PREPARING FOR THE WORST. “Mr. Punon, ** Cimabue Cottage, Camden Town. of Kyowine how truly you ents * High Art, T want your candid opinion of the ne etch. Do you consider it ‘the thing’ for the Public and for Posterity? My husband wsed to see things as other people do—but he has lately become a Pre-Raphaelite. He expects to make quite a hit next year, with some old subjects— in anew e gilds the skies, counts the blades of grass and the pebbles—shaves the shepherd boys’ heads, and adds a yard to their smocks, clips the trees, = dams the water. When dry enough, they are, to be framed ‘ selon les régles,’ and named ‘ | “He is now diligently copying a Noah’s Ark, and making studies from the contents, for Ais t Work of next year, 1853! He has had in a barrow-full of stones, and is watching a pot of Couch-grass with extreme anxiety. “T was sadly afraid when he chose we subject, that we should have been over-run with a// sorts of Birds and Beasts, walking up and down the stairs, two and two, ev y; but luckily he prefers She form and spirit of the Nurnberg to “ Last week he copied a +e cabbage, on both sides, to have it correct. The art certainly has its peculiar difficulties ; it took 95 fresh Herrings to make a pair, in his ‘Sea of Galilee,’ which he studied, all from nature, off the Coast of Cork. He was two months about them, and, you know, Mr. Punch, they are a fish that don’t keep. But he has’ a Landscape difficulties to contend inst, as he can always find a Jj to suit in the Missals at the Britis Museum, already coloured—w ich saves a world of trouble. My husband is draining the Tea-pot, Mr. Punch !—so I must stop. Always yours with esteem, **P.S.—The accompanying is his Jast/” & “Many Bruzs.” => =f

Y* LEGENDE OF SAINT TABBACCA,

Dreadful Complaint of the Lungs of London, Loup snitse have been made against the state of the grass our Parks, it is curious that these complaints should be woke Gal aes Ministers like the present, who, owning so many ee watch .very jealously, one would imagine, that ever should be perfectly fair above ground in all matters relating to ene Turf.

ANOTHER CONVERSION TO ROME. So anxious are the Roman Catholics to make the most of every little conversion that does or does not exist, that we wonder no zealous member of that modest community— Ruesy Witperroner, for instance—has thought of claiming, for the glorification of the Romish - yo Appraiser’s hammer would suffice to BALD FACTS. 169 — Was es t a pare Sane attractions were na- ture’s a ee ay posers» ase ihe ae na tural adornments

BEAUTIFUL HEAD OF HAIR — FOR ONE SHILLING, There is something line the idea of “ Head of Hair,” ne sug- gests the phenomenon of a wig for wore ‘ostage Stamps. On reading a little fur- ther, we make the vee | that these Beautiful Heads of AAA eu | i SS ' il <aX MOY NY od) \\ Hair are sold by the bottle, and consist of a specific for pre- wore 5 te rom grey; an invention which, we are to “Invaluable in ore N ”? We have seen babies with heads; but a ant is a curiosity quite worthy of the ex — tho offers to protect the agen of a diya from hoary | for one si . The same spirited profiers to we ook ee # ee teeth at eighteen-pence a po h,” “ free, stamps.” As to on: sien a oe of — things ; ~— if be a to any expedient for the few remaining es of s' fo on our poor old head, we s aint the effect of alcln — our own remnants he hair a few of Cuunp’s Patent Safety

“TO BE SOLD IMMEDIATELY—THE CRYSTAL PALACE!” We have already prepared our readers for this otherwise s announcement. A fortnight since we warned them of their Fhaemir 4 impending fate. We assured them plainly then, oe . e ae warrant was in print, and the time of execution probab! distant, And we have now to tell them that the fatal day is 5 a | and the py of the appointed Catcrarr officially announced. Special P -a-Liner w oso daieamed theh 2 halanx of gigantic pet Goon 2 ted rh the ‘Beate Transeptal tal Entrance, Sete: J yal Arms, and stating with a brutal — with the ess, that— ans Uti chases deledlinboinin ion cade EOE To Sell by Auction, on the Premises, THE GREAT EXHIBITION BUILDING, HYDE PARK’ On Monday, the 26th of April, 1852, and following Days, At Twelve for One o’Clock each Day.” The words “,Royal Commission” we take to be a misprint for " Commissioners of Works: for we cannot believe the former hog! to be capable of vans half so foolish as the wanton destruction of only National B an is not ashamed of The choice we an Auctioneer as their destroying ‘Thouars & isa ees party. eir other reasoning. F Building” = could possibly be given

TO CORRESPONDENTS. “A Memper of a Heine Man’s Mutual Impro that the _ Conseript Fathers of Ancient who had been “drawn for the militia.” Heteut or Anistocratic Parps.—An astronomer of distinguished fay Satins inspect LeveraizR’s new planet, on the ground that vement Society” is were not persons

Church, the “ Convansion oF THE Fivz rex OCznts ” that has recently taken place i France.

it is a parvenn /

Page 186

170 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. on . to my kno hadn’t had a new LECTURE AT THE STRONG-MINDED WOMEN’S CLUB. bonnet for a whol f ; coolly persevere in spending their six- HE Srrone-Minpep Women held another meeti or ek ee eS ee last Wi ay, in Mas. Mason Wricut’s back ow, a shilling a-day is shillings in A—— ear—no less a sum than £18 5s.— cisely a quarter past, the room was so crowded hat there was scarcely a footstool unoccupied: On the sofas we observed some of the strongest- minded women in the world,-whose opinions have created not less disturbance :in England than in America. To mention their names would _ occupy space. Tea was brought in at half-past seven, a most anin discussion immediately ensued upon the prevailing: follies. of the day. These were lashed in the severest manner, and the disgraceful scandal of ladies not more generally adopting the Bloomer costume (some beautiful prints of which. were scat- tered about the room) was commented upon with the usual bitterness. It was then moved by Mrs. Mason Waricut, and seconded by Miss AraBecta PantiLetres, that Mrs. Lucius CreacHEeR do take the chair, which was carried with the greatest unani- mity of pocket-handkerchiefs. Mrs. Lucius Creacuer, after removing her spectacles, began by requesting that “Curistorner, the Page, do leave the room.” <=; _ Assoonas this order had been complied with, Mrs. Luctus CreacueRr, brushing her hair back off her forehead, proceeded to address the meeting thus :—

“ Lapies—I'ne Supsact or our Lecture tHIs Eventne, 1s: SMOKING!!! “Of all selfish, degrading, injurious, deleterious, abasing vices—for it is more than a fault, it is a positive vice—there is none equal to that of Smoking! I do not hesitate to say that the man who smokes js lost. How different does his whole nature become, when once he has taken a cigar in his hand! I really believe that the root of all matrimonial differences is the tobacco-plant. If not the root exactly, at all events it isa most prolific branch. (Clattering of tea-spoons). k at the same man before he has smoked, and after. he has smoked, It is a well-known painful truth that the bloom of health cannot stand before the withering effect of tobaceo-smoke. It turns the rosy carnation of Beauty into the pale ash-colour of Disease, as if the cheek it had bligh'ed had become impregnated with the material itself during the process of consimmption,

eas | Gc | SSS 4 eK 2! ae Ne CWS 4 PY ee O Ves & f ANS X — a g v ‘" \) ;

“ But it is not only the destruction to their health and their morals, ladies—it is not merely in a sanitary or in an ethical point of view that we must look at this mighty question of Smoking, but it is also in a pecuniary light—though, in connexion with smoking, I detest the very mention of the word ‘Light Smoking is not only a highly injurious habit, but it 1s likewise an exceedingly expensive one, and, for that reason alone, 1 would ‘have every ounce of tobacco thrown into the Thames. It is an extravagance—and an extravagance, which, let a man’s necessities be what they will, is never sup- pressed. It is the very last luxury which a man denies himself, and I have known men, whose wives, drawing-room year— Cards had been issued for seven o'clock, arid at | (cries jture of everything like comfort —

but, no! cat Such is the Man, that I prefer his pipe of tobacco to the hand- somest Cashmere that ever came from in-hand together; for down almost as an invariabl the man who has a cigar in one holds a» tumbler in the other. It would seem that tobacco was a plant that would not'flourish unless PY enti- fully watered with what is called Grog. I know that my husband—who, when I married him, wouldn’t touch any- thing stronger than elder wine—will drink now of an evening as many glasses of as he smokes pipes; and he would sometimes have more, if I didn’t take the key of the cellaret up-stairs with me to bed (fashionable laughter). “T think [have satisfactorily proved the injury that arises from this baneful habit; but there is a greater injury still, that remains to be explained. It is the injury it does to the furniture, and every one’s clothes. Whose cur- tains are safe? whose carpet is re- spected, when once a man is allowed to smoke in the house? As for com- fort, it flies out of the window directly you open it to let the smoke out; and you have but two alternatives—either to sit still, and be suffocated; or to sit in adraught, and be chilled to death —and I hardly know which is worse. “ And if you remonstrate—if you declare i will not put up with this disgraceful state of things, which makes it difficult for you to find a room the next morning in which you can breakfast with comfort—theremedy is almost worse than the di You drive your hus elsewhere to enjoy his pipe—though what enjoyment it can to him, I cannot make out. He on to his club, or to the nearest hotel or public-house, to smoke with other smokers as as himself; and if you are wise, you had better not inquire what hour it is when he re- turns home! “T sum up the evils of smoking to be as follows: Lassitude, great ex- pense, drunke: injury to one’s clothes, carpets, and curtains—depar- headaches, latch-keys, late hours, and we — of So like do- mestic happiness ! groans.) Evils, lads, most awful to contem- plate; and it behoves us, as strong-minded women, to combat as much as lies in our power. “ What the enjoyment of smoking can be, bafiles my wildest imagination; but, as it is the object of our society to investigate everything that may be attended with anything like a bene-

Page 187

2 at ee eee (a ae ae tk LL hihed i/ Lf VAPITIITIULL LANL Le 7 PL LLLLL THE EASTER RECESS. Dizzy. “Ou, no! I’m nor at att Gippy. I sHOULD LIKE To Go EVER so Mucu Hieuer.” Apait 24, 1852,

Page 188

Page 189

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 173 ficial meget, - for the Resales of Man, I have brought a cigar with ta smoke it, in order to know what the feeling may tele, Tae now move for your arto ba ladies, to try the experimen’ his being oer granted, a light was troughs, and the intrepid lec- turer io manner, to whiff the cigar, which she de- scribed as pt sold to her “as a full-flayoured Cuba.” She represented the effects as being of a most nauseous description, and was proceeding most warmly to explain her sensations under the ‘existing ——- when, from some unexplained cause, she came to a sudden stop, and t very pale, sank cove upon her ¢ At this _ % ling sound ¢ suppressed langhter was heard, and, b> thrown open, CuristorHeR, the Page, was dis- covered to ‘be Le ide, listening’ at the key-hole, His ears were severely pulled by every one present, and the meeting abruptly broke up in pre of the most talkative excitement. Thus ended the Lecture, by the Strong-Minded Women’s Club, upon ~ CREACHER being carried Smoking, with no other result than up to bed, very ill, by four S Strong-Minded Women, MR. JEREMIAH TOPS’ ADVICE TO THE FARMERS, I mt a gimpul varming mun, a plane llished veller ; At B= mns and at *lections, zur, I cannot blare and beller ; T loike a price vor wot I grows, but yet lin T can’t agre As wuts and tummuts arn’t as dear as such loike ort to be. Purtection may be woundy nice, but then I allus zay, That if it gives me gummat more, whoi! zummun —_ be 7 Pats V Anne ~ ea things cheap, wen | be vorced to I'm een zurproised that hother men should veel the zaam as I, But if un be, or if un baint, there’s such acoil about I tell ’ee pl Foive Bob a quarter munnot set the land agin the town, Or make we country chaps vorget our dooty to the Crown. un, ain, we varming men mun even do without un; 1d dang it! vn I think of all the row and hagitashun ic a 4 purceedings mun purdooce throughout the British nashun ; Wot misehief- lovin chaps would come a-ripping up ald sores; Wot poor men’s scowling faces we should zee about our doors ; Wot heaps of larned herrings we mun hear on heither side ; wo ae mpined gibes and cuttin words we varmers mun abide; ot cute lo winded vellers from Lunnun would come down, To and ggrawate us in hevery market town ; Wot angry meetuns there would he disturbin hevery shire ; Wot landlords there would rave and swear, vor tenants to admire ; I veel as such a row as this would be too much for we ; Zo! Darn the Dooty! Let un goo! and let we varmers be, If we tt: Late but hardly used, yet stil] I mun maintain *Tig voolish to purwoke our foes to beat us once again ; And he wool be the varmer’s Ey who virst the matter drops, Mun be the fixed and firm belief of Junge Tors. Hard Swearing in France. A most startling article appeared last week in the Zimes: it was a cal of the various po taken by French statesmen and French offici oe the time of the Consulate to the time of the last oath proposed by auger | ;--oaths of all colours, and all as sesionaly carved as the ee of harlequin’s jacket. The President has, of course, his own pasion, a an oath—that is, of an oath sworn by himself. When a sa saucer. When a Louis Narocaon swears, nothing 1 is excep SS” THE GREAT ee DONNA eo . by fconsly ome agg vai as being “exclusively” engaged at no than seven suburban tea-gardens. exclusive sources at toes we are enabled to furnish the followi interesting particulars. The Lark,” who is a native of Mitcham, attracted fhe attention of the "| beadle, who had overheard h her, pou war been fan Fal cong. Symphony of praetor known-—to fe hs Dron fs tary aa whe AE ae t the suggestion of the tee years toa OF Ling aare aire Sones i vom thie ‘moment her was one vulterre ted triumph, to te enjoyment of which a a Ren ” sm whom she ers, was the was never jastinee in in fostering x4 othe vee re 5 eel cue that Sara rad a y vrenped as to ani snaiie te to any Tenders #1, attachment of the yen * to the wa infaeny |e ver, given a dark pony exion ra her ot von * ant eae a though moat have ered at an es exhibited thus unworthy on f such an on cot necessarily makes himself—it is the demong, she “ saw ager Blighted i in her salient ike stow fi all the gushing, but none of the ripeness, of the gooseberry eaeerered Mi ove exolu- y ‘0 erty and oretad immete sonanion by * Poor which was fot Wp cxpeeaaty for her, with a Ye real willow,” at thet Royal’ Twankey dens, in the neighhourhood of one of our large manufacturing towns. Her fame haying reached Manager of - of our enghe rg | Music services on her own terms, which included the deposit of her railway fare to London; but, unfortunately, nothing was said about the class by which she me to travel. This point it remaining indefinite, the matter came to the ears of the energetic impresario of one of our suburban Saloons, who immediately sent down a first-class ticket for the ‘ Lark,” by which he is supposed to have secured her “ exclusive ” services, add to the complication of affairs, it seems that part of the stipniated contract with the “ Lark,” was the promised engagement of the ** Bones,” yeni alluded to—which induced the Manager of a favourite Temple of Apollo, at Chelsea, to strain every nerve and muscle to se- cure the “ Bones,” ’ which he has succeeded in doing ; and he now claims to have also obtained the right to the “ Lark’s” exclusive services. A few days will, no doubi, determine the point at issue; but at present the name of the Mitcham “Lark” stands at the head of so many contradictory announcements, that we know not where we ought to place our confidence. ly towards an Ra hio jan Serenader k” that, like don, the S hastened to sou her Melancholy Intelligence. Drap the other d I the Tneome Tax. The moti ected for its Iutchment wil Gt is rated ee ere The following lines may, in the meanw. to its memory ;— Affliction sore in me you bore, onstrance was in vain! shortly I—though now no more— trouble you again, An Extrawny Taste. “My pan Puxcn,-—I am not reading; but takin os paper just now, oy Peto 3 that a abs Senta, a a cet tia t ow you spell it—says give the most 5 en that —" *A GUARDSMAN, BUT NOT OF THE Bives,” **P.8, I am no bookworm.” UNPARALLELED BORES, ' TE Gloucester Chronicle describes a singular phenomenon the ‘* Severn Bore.” The Severn may have one remarkable bore, but that fo nothing to ine snowed shogeesenty ang filthy water which are the

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Inquisitive Young Lady. “ Pray, Mr, Suytue, wHat aRE THE your Orrice?” Houipars IN THE POETICAL COOKERY-BOOK. —— BARLEY BROTH. Arn—“ The King, God Bless Him !” A” pasty of Barley Broth make, make for me ; Give those who prefer it, the plain : No matter the broth, so of barley it be, If we ne’er taste a basin again. For, oh! when three s of good mutton you buy, And of most of its fat Hy ae it, In a stewpan uncover’d, at first, let it lie ; Then in water proceed to dress it. Horrah! hurrah! hurrah! i 7 In a stewpan uncover’d, at first, let it lie ; Then in water proceed to dress it. | What teacup will hold—yon should first have been told— Of barley you gently sbould boil ; The pear|-barley choose—’tis the nicest that 's sold— All others the mixture might spoil. Of carrots and turnips, small onions, green peas, (If the price of the fast don’t distress one), Mix plenty; and boil altogether with these Your basin of Broth when you dress one. Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah! Two hours together the articles boil ; There ’s your basin of Broth, if you ’d dress one. The Father of the French Nation. At the review of the troops in Paris, on Easter Sunday, Louis NapoLeon—they write—was well received by his soldiers ; and “ persons stationed here there” —civi- lians—“‘cried out, ‘Vive le Pére du Peupie!’” The manner of the cry, it is added, showed it was a cry to order. “ Long live the Father of his People!” What, now, was the amount of wages paid to the criers? Three—four— or five francs a mouth? Say, the highest sum: surely, never did father suddenly have so +" a family at so |small a cost. These “ Fathers of the People,” however, are apt to be very like Saturn, the first mythological father of his people; and he was always filled with the paternal desire of eating his children. , Moperw Armour.—The only uniform in Her Ma- | Overworked Employe. “On '—a—rvery Day rrom 10 titt 4, anp aLt Day Jestry’s Service in which the Coat of Mail is retained, is Sunpay.” THE BRAZEN HEAD AT SUNDERLAND. | HERE are many dummies, the and let us be thankful for ' their dumbness— in the say, or rather walk—step- ping out the monosyllables no,” and there an end. constituencies, by means ot such potent words, are supposed to declare all their wants, and to record all their opinions. r of kin to silence—and silence, or its next relative, is held by certain philosophers to) be a profound thing. Sunderland is represented; but not by a mere fleshly dummy.—No; the material of the representative is almost of eternal stuff. Faran | Bacon made Ais Brazen Head vocal with turee sentences. The town of Sunderland has i¢s Brazen Head; and though it has remained silent as the brass-knocker of a house in Chancery during the present session | of Parliament, it has lately talked a bit in Sunderland; talked that it| in the Place du Carrousel, it i id that a band i i again returned to show what gold with | “ Partant pour la Syrie.” How long will it k eye Pee may, at the next election, brass may do The Brazen Head talks to its admiring constituents. The Brazen | sometimes Head enounces its opinions. The Brazen Head thinks Sir James Grawam “an artful dodger.” | House of Commons. They | | the Postman’s. The Brazen Head, with a most glittering smile, “thinks it ought to know what a dodger is. The Brazen Head thinks the Corn Laws a , committed hasty wrong | upon the landed interest. And the Brazen Head has, “it should hope, , dummies of buman flesh —| into the lobby—“ yes” or | Very good. | A monosyliable is the nearest | | part of his fellow soldiers, to a com studied the meaning of wrong in all its branches.” The Brazen Head would, nevertheless, zo¢ repeal the Corn Laws, wrong as they may be. The Brazen Head thinks the Ballot “un-English.” And the Brazen Head has a particular knowledge of what is “un-English,” from its multifarious dealings with other peopie’s “ Spanish.” The Brazen Head will vote only for a national education, “ based on the Bible!”” The Brazen Head will continue to bow reverently towards “our venerable establishment of the Church,” with all its present glories of Bishops, and Deans, and Chapters. The Brazen Head will not trust to the “ voluntary system,” which many folks thought odd; no Head, like unto the Brazen Head, having such experience of the facility with which people sometimes part with their money. But, all things, political and social, the Brazen Head will have “ based on the Bible!” The Bible before all things,—and this is right. And when i observable tha: | the Brazen Head talked reverently of the Bible, it was its nostrils had dilated and expanded, and a brighter light shone | from the brass, as though it snuiled the savoury mess of pottage that | was “cooked” to deceive the patriarch. Louis Napoleon’s March. DuRING a review by Louis Napotgon, the other day, of two brigades How long will it be ere the tune changes to Partant pour |’ Angleterre ?’’—the words adapted to a certain march, | rformed in the British Army by way of farewell, on the of his rade, on the occasion of the regiment depriving itself of the honour of containing him.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAR! 175 NECROMANCY IN AMERICA. EAPING across the Isthmus of Panama is a mere j tablishing a communication | of THE OMNIVOROUS CORPORATION. J.B., in the Times, laments the carelessness _to es-| of the civic authorities in suffering the remains antiquity, such as the undercroft of Gerrard’s with the other world. The) Hall, to be demolished and destroyed, and ex- latter triumph of enterprise | presses the fear that those worthy persons will is, however, an American fact; | as certain co and there are persons in the land of JonavHan whose re-| to encourage gular employment seems to “ he to transmit intelligence | antiquities? You can't eat’em, and from disembodied spirits. So common a is that of these people, that, in the compendious and ness-like nation, called “ m rporate brethren of theirs at a | fashionable southern bat hing-piace, when solicited an artistic exhibition, asked of pictors,” be ready to say, “ What ’s the use of 1 you can’t | drink ’em. What's the use of antiquities?” But one would think that the i London cou/d eat antiquities. Its members are busi-| famed for an ostrich-like digestion; and the anguage arms, ornaments, and v that are they are currently | dug up in London, di as idly as the jums :” and here | eatables at the Lord Mayor's feast Time, that of industry | is a story about some of | consumes all things, especially relics, devours them, extracted from the | less food altogether than the City. Transatlantic news of the Morning Post :— “ The Spiritual Rappers have got into trouble in New nango Co - tendered their gratuitous offers to a gentleman who patronised them. | gudible Sounds. ek in common with several others, pro- duced sundry communications the pate: nal ancestor of the gentle = man by no means agreeable to him. The spirit accused him, accordin: to the mediums, of having beaten and chained the corporeal body | formerly possessed by the said spirit. The gentleman denied the harsh impeachment, and has sought legal redress against the mediums.” Medio tutissimus ibis, we should say, is a maxim that does not hold good with regard to any dependence on these Yankee mediums, miscalled Rappers, as they are clearly not worth arap; but another aphorism is exemplified by their very familiar spirits, whose familiarity SS it ; — a x -» = : : . doth breed contempt. THE BISHOP OF MANCHESTER'S EASTER OFFERING. Tue Biswor or Maycuester dined with the Lorp Mayor on Faster Monday, and in courteous return for turtle, made a speech ; and in this His Grace had a decided advantage over the Eart or DerBy, who, upon the health of Hex Maszsry’s Ministers being given, adroitly enough talked away, and made no speech at all. And this circumstance suggests to us the necessity of the Corporation “keeping a poet,” that the bard may furnish Ministers with songs for certain occasions, where speeches, in the real sense of the word, are not to be spoken. The Eanrt or Dersy is said to possess an excellent tenor voice, and might have trolled off some pretty nonsense verses to the tune of igs are Bonny, or Meet me when the Bloom is on the Rye. This, however, for the future. The BrsHop’s speech—though given over the festal mahogany—was not of vain and carnal things, but of education—a subject, at. the time, no doubt, of exceeding interest to the noblemen, members of the Cor- poration, and citizens thereunto listening. Such a theme over|a City dessert must have been even as “apples of silver in platters of gold” —very beautiful, if none of it eatahle. The Biswor gratefully avowed that he owed his education to the City of London, and, “in the position where it was now his lot to be placed, he had endeavoured, and he trusted not without success, to transplant some goodly saplings from the oak of the London educational institutions.” The oak of education,—and in London! The “ London Oak!” Is it asign? There was, we know, the “Cocoa Tree ;” and there is still the “ Flower Pot ;” but we never heard of the “London Oak.” But we detect the error at once—it is a mistake, a blunder of the reporters. And thus our intelligence enables us to anticipate the courteous note that the BrsHor oF CHESTER would otherwise write to Punch, in words : “The Bisnor or Maycwester presents his compliments to Mr. Punch, and begs of him, as -General and Critic-Universal, to amend an error of the press in a report of the Bisnopr’s speech at the Mansion House on Easter Monday. The Bisuor is made to speak of the oak of che London educational institutions! The blunder will be self-evident to every intelligent mind ; nevertheless, the BisHor desires the insertion of the following erratum : for ‘oak,’ read ‘uoax!’” The error, after a little consideration, is evident ; nevertheless, it is only due to the Bisuor, as a Bishop, that he should set himself right with the world, We have quite sufficient of the comprehensive British Oak, without any additional London Oak. Again, oaks have not hitherto been associated with the instruction of youth,—but trees with Inaudible Sounds. We well remember being puzz'ed by a pam- phlet we once saw, entitled, 4 Treatise on In- now we stretched our imagination to the utmost, but for the life of us we could not i ine the existence of an “ in- audible sound,” with the exception, perhaps, of | that of a codfish. Time, however, and M. Louis Naro.eon, have | together helped to reconcile the anomaly. There canthe no question whatever now, that inaudible sounds are the speeches in the French Senate. Berlin, Che- Two mediums having Tae Brest Hanp at Piece-Worx.—Mon- sizuR Scare. twigs more flexible. The “oak” of education! Why, the late debates upon education in the House of Commons, where sectarian squabbles with sectarian, so that whilst law-makers disagree, children morally pine—the whole course of the wrangle shows the Bishop could not mean “oak.” No: the House of Commons itself cries—* Hoax !~— Hoax!” A TYBURNIAN OF THE OLD SCHOOL, 5 a general rule, every man to his taste, There is, how- ever, a sort of bad ample both of the rule and the ex- ception :— “T do hope Loap Joums Mawwens will Times and others. Let him do his duty to the Park, fear- leasly and firmly, as Logp Sxymoun did hefore him, and not sacrifice my + inhabitants of this neighbourhood to the interested views of Mzsens. Paxtos axp Co.” This is a paragraph extracted from a letter in the panes Post, si “A Trsuawiay,” urging the demolition of the Crystal Palace, The Tyburnian gentleman of course, a perfect right to entertain and express whatever opinion he likes on that subject. But he rather exceeds the limits of propriety in impoting interested motives to the architect of the Crystal Palace, if means to include him in his imaginary firm of Paxton axp Co. Indeed, the Tyburnian’s epistle may be said to be so far scurrilous, and perhaps even to merit for its author the appellation of “scribbler,’—a word defined by Du. Jouyson to mean “a author; a writer without worth.” Such a letter —_ worthy of an i of be i in days when Tyburnia rejoiced in the Tyburn Tree. | i ——

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: - Ae 2 $ +: -- fh oe oe a = a Cw Ss yo a oe oie en en a Ee iw 1 176 PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL | THE VOICE OF THER PROTECTIONISTS. ' CONVERTS IN BUCKRAM. y © announce another miracle! An ass has “men in buckram,” appear to have been greatly exceeded spoken for Protec-| by the addition and multiplication of one WILBERFoRcE, tion! After Cuow- | son to a respectable man of that name, but now Secretary to LeR comes Hee-|a Papist Association ome Thi the House of Commons Haw. The wonder | with Members for Rome. dividual’s cleverness at was manifested at | ciphering has been evinced i estimate of the number Bury, in Lancashire, | ¢ paced who have turned Roman Catholics at Rugby ; during the elec-| but the Rev. mtriz and Pace have shown tioneert visit of | that in the sapre of Wriserporce, the most remarkable Ma. F. Peet. The| is the figure bole, It is very curious that not only Honourable Gentle-| do the theo of WiieeRrorce’s persuasion man purposed to ad-| require the exertion of great faith to be believed; but dress the electors | the same demand is also very commonly made by the per- at the Town Hall: | sonal statements of its advocates. The of inquiry it was crammed; | would seem to be hardly more damaging to the pretensions and, it seems, very | of the Popish priesthood nt many were the disap- | certain disciples of theirs ty credit. pointed Protection-|as the ouabel of Wrz pears, on ists outside. Never-| investigation, to be somewhas different from what it had theless, they would be heard. “The instinct of the multitude is ever right,” | been represented by him. With respect to one of them, says LAMARTINE, aod so it proved with the multitude of Protectionists without ; | at least, Ma. Page, after intimating that he was not a | for, not being able to be heard eae they pos as mouthpiece for their | gentleman of very strong Anglican convictions, observes— combined arguments and aspirations, a—fu!!-grown donkey. “ Indeod ‘ ail The reporter writes of the excluded— They put the climax to the annoyance, ln p oe eee Fei thes tie bossa a ebro d by bringing a donkey under the windows, who discoursed most eloquent, but | complained to m sufficiently supported in his business as certainly not harmonious, music. Mx. Pex. appeared to enjoy the joke.” And | 1g “ilor by my congr . Mr. Pee. was very right. : ; After awhile the gueceadiags began, Mr. Peex delivering his opinions upon the colons Can pag epee | Corn Laws. “ He believed them to have worked admirably for the country.” is much to be apuihentl “ Hee-haw!” cried the Donkey. The character as well 8 converts a sacrifices of considerable the Rugby seceders. It d a these oblations Be , a ya pretty nearly on a par with the alarming sacrifice of this * They had given food to millions. aon aed with the sacrifices, equally alarming, which some Hee-haw ! as . - ‘ ; linendrapers are in the habit of making. The jobbing “They had produced a condition of prosperity, unparalleled in the history of | taiior seemed to have had his business im view, when he England.” a | changed his profession. Perhaps he may not find that step Hee-haw !—hee-haw ! prove so good a job as he expected; and discovering that | “And the people of England would never again consent to eat a dear loaf when | he has not obtained one coat the more to mend by turning | they could get a cheap one, that landlords might screw high rents from the| his own may by-and-by be heard moralising somewhat in | cupboards of the country.” Wi : | owed, ee | the following strain: “ Blow this here Popery! I ain’t ee-baw! hee-haw! hee-haw ! no better off for having forsook my re | the general feeling that his arguments were in no manner different from those | 4 eoffin-club.” of Messrs. Cuowier and party. ‘ , | So much for the tailor’s sacrifice. Some “ converts” However, at all times it is delightful to chronicle the gratitude of nations and | sacrifice more. When they resort toa exaggeration and pe rare is its development. The eloquent ass of bury has been purchased | mis-statement, they sacrifice truth; when, moreover, bear- oy a distinguished ducal Protectionist ; and, turned into a paddock, wil, for the | ing an honourable name, they yield themselves to the tools | remainder of his days—without working for it—crop the sweetest of English | of 4 set of seditious fanatics, they sacrifice reputation. | grass, and eat the very best of English beans. ' An ill-natured free-trader has—in the savageness of his soul—likened this easy | | condition of the eloquent and certainiy not over-rewarded donkey to that of the} SomeTHING TO BE THANKFUL FoR.—LORD Dersy is not Corn-Law Landlord,—All clover, and no care ! | Master of the Rodis. Farstar?’s arithmetical abilities, as exercised on the | large, than it is to the claim of , , , , ligion ; and no The replies of the donkey were given with considerable emphasis, but it was | the Roman candlesticks won’t do Pty mae th I sald dae | O s ai rheel fi GOLDEN (SQUARE) AND, SULWBR (STREET) MINING | {PADIA Stuer, the Captain of the Great Wheel Barrow Mine, sad COMPANY. Tinforl Miners of the Land’s End distriets. Specimens may be seen mising scheme beg to inform the (by those who have already paid for their shares) at the Office of the jon of a PLOT, the foundation of Company, where a prize-tighter will be in attendance, to answer all which is DEEP LAID, ‘hope will prove to be of a most A. questions and show his metal. productive character, ‘Phere can no doubt that Golden Square Directors have been already appointe derives ite mame from te eety of precious metal that bas found its 9 on may Se roguied. Divides way to the locality, whieh, from i i havin dienes the residence of pump—of which due notice will be given. lawyers, has no doubt become the sheoptanis all the auriferous streams Tue promoters of this truly public that they are already in p with power to take im as be paid by drafis—on the stig agg that have flowed in from a countless number of channels. It is proposed to purchase the ground in the enclosure, where there are already several plants, and the set is most extensive, on account of the set that has always been made by the inhabitants on the gold of the community. Though the yield has not been equal to former years, it is believed that the workings may still be made profitable ; and, indeed, it is confidently stated that, in addition to the Golden treasures of the Square, Pewter may be quickly developed, for a considerable quantity of Quartz and no less than six Pints were picked up in one morning by the Square-| keeper. | The promoters have also the happiness to state that, however rich the veins, they will be thoroughly drained ; for bleeding is a process | to which the genius loci is peculiarly adapted—lawyers and surgeons haying been the principal inhabitants. hould the Gold of Golden Square be ever exhausted, it is proposed to develop the Silver of Silver Street ; and 20,000 additional shares at | 5a. per share will be issued simultaneously with the 50,000 at £1 each, for which the earliest applicants will have the preference. _ The ground has been already surveyed, and the plans laid down, by ADDRESS TO SIR FITZROY KELLY. SUGGESTED BY HIS SPEECH AT WOODBRIDGE MARKET. Ain—“ O, ruddier than the Cherry.”—Hanpen. No go, Sta Firzroy Ketty; It won’t do, | can tell *e, To stop Free Trade, And retrograde, And pinch the poor man’s belly. Notice of Motion! Saturday, April 24, and Weekly, until further Notice: Ma. Puxca She ‘Sc Rescue of | to Move—the Spirit of the English People generally to the their threatened Crystal Palace. " y Fearrut [vcreasx or Romanism.—Another detachment of 3,000 French soldiers have gone over to Rome! sufficie l'o digital inferio To f relingu ventila To f Borou: ol the To f private lof impud: To { experi To { To f if eith To sugges To! Innov vequils To | Tm the P: produ rrote broug —Test sent ; n th listr) “On not ma son, no

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‘WHEN FOUND, MAKE A NOTE OF.” Pppeeaea MY 2 sniverse to lillenged J Wigs if | \ \] Mi / will undertake to prove (| that the “ baving fulfilled its original purpose” is a sufficient “reason why” our Pet i pag should now be pulled to pieces. 1 ‘To find a difference be- tween the Frencli bly and the English Deaf b Asylum. ‘fo find a Derby Pro of suffi- cient rashness to ict that our Infant Ministry will ever attain its majority. l'o find the British boxkeeper who, having —- pin gg an allidavit that he is “ guile fall; not be suddenly indlabeid to re | ber that he has “just one seat left” by simply a mute digital reference to the waistcoat pocket, To fiad any commonly observant reader of the newspapers who, in spite of Apmrrat BerKkeey’s bra- vado, does not daily find reason to think that there is s¢id/ a little room for improvement in our admirable Admiralty system. To find an Opposition Member of suficient ingenuity to extraet a straightforward answer from the present Government. lo find an amateur oyster-opener who, after a severe series of struggles, and much digital laceration, ever succeeded in producing more than a gritty glutinous compound of inferior periwinkle and gravel walk To find an Honourable Member of such daringly sanguine temperament as to have not yet relinquished the hope that our House of Commons really will, eventually, be in a measure well ventilated. To find a St. Alban’s Elector of sufficient strength of negation to deny that his departing Borough might be fitly likened to the water of the Thames, by reason of the intense purity { their respective constituents, To find the difference between “ Modification ” and “ Protection” in Ma, Dispag1i’s own private Voeabulary. ; 'o find a geometrician who will undertake to calculate the altitude of Lours NaPpotzon’s impudence, To find a Londoner of sufficient appetital tenacity to eat his breakfast after trying a few experiments with his milk-tester. To find an Echo in the French Senate House. ie wie To find an Advocate for the demolition of the Crystal Palace, vor residing in the vicinity {either Belgravia or—Bedlam. To find a Protectionist of sufficient vanity to expect a vote, if, as the Kant or Derpy sugges's, the Corn question be left “to the intelligent portion of the community.” ; fo find ¢he man (for Nature never could have made but one) who, before the Sixpenny Innovation, ever possessed sufficient moral courage to give a Cabman Kightpence! And— requilwr— lo find ¢he Cabby who would civilly condescend to accept it. I ile THE BONES OF THE BEST AUTHORS. Tuere can be little doubt that Otrvern Cromwent was descended from Briangus; for the Protector has left at least a dozen skulls behind him. Skuils of all sizes have produced ; among them, Oxtvgr’s skull, when a little boy—when a youth—and when Lord Protector ; and all, no doubt, equally genuine. And this extraordinary circumstance—recently brought to light by persevering antiquaries moiling in that valuable print, Notes amd Queries —results from the fact, that when Oxrver bad his hair cut, the head itself was generally vent; and in some cases never returned. We have now, however, another relic preserved n the “rib-bone” of Mitton! It appears that the Poet’s bones were “ clandestinely listributed.” Upon this a Note and Query contributor writes :— “One fell to the lot of an old and esteemed friend, and between forty-five and forty years ago, at his house, not many miles from London, I have often examined the said rib-bone. That friend is long since dead; but his “on, now in the vale of years, lives, and I donb not, from the reverence felt to the great author of ‘ Paradise Lost,’ ‘hat he has religiously preserved the precious relic.” The writer smugly continues :— “It might not be agreeable to him to have his name published; but from his tastes, he—being a of some distinction in literary pursuits—is likely to be a reader of ‘Notes and Queries, and if this should catch his eye, he may be induced to send you some particulars.” We would advise the reverential admirer of Joux Mritow, who holds his rib-bone, to hold us peace. One would think a man—capable of greater veneration than a baboon—would shudder at the thought of pawing the bones of Mrurow : but no—there is a kind of morbid ‘dmiration administered to by — - PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 177 Were these bone-grubbers discoverable, and were Punch made despot for the nonce,—very salutary would be the punishment he would inflict upon them, For instance, the possessor of Mriton’s rib- bone is brought up for judgment, and Punch passes sen’ i “ Miserable, morbid, unimaginative, demo- ralised | i te he sentence of the Pg is, t ou im tely give orders for é funeral of the rib-bone of Jouw Miron, that it should be resolved into its kindred earth ; and, 48 punishment for having so long defrauded the earth of its due, you are to provide a andsome oaken coffifi t6 receive the aforesaid ri coffin covered with purple velvet, and ornamented with silver-gilt nails, And not less than six em coaches, filled with policemen clothed in plain biack, at your expense, for the mournful occasion, sha!l accompany the said hearse ; and the rib being consigned to the earth, the undertaker’s bill, without one penny dis- count, shall be immediately paid.” e what the fashion Will lead to. If the ribs artieu! of men of genius are to He thus sought for ahd treasured, Albums will soon go out. Hence, young ladies, instead of asking autographs, and poems, and sketches, for their volumes, would in the prettiest manner, beg of the favoured sons of genius to leave at their death, as a precious relic, “just the smallest, little joint, for their little love of a bone-house,” The Premier's Warning. Oh, Dansy !—for so Thy name, says the Post, To pronounce, is “ the go” ith all nobs, or most ; Take heed what you do; Leave Protection alone, Or Barrannta and you Won't be Dansy and Joa, A COLD-BLOODED FINANCIER. “ Ma. Puwcu, Sir, “Some fellers has grate command over their ions. | take it our CuanceLton or THE Excuecker is a chap of that sort. See how quiet he spoke on Miter Gisson’s motion for takin the Taxes of Nollidge! You'd have expected that he’d have bust out cryin amost, or anyhow have lamented and bemoned his self in strong languidge on the crule necessity he was under of bein forced to oppore sitch a file- andthroppic enlitened per . More particu- he callin his self a Littery Man, and with his ift of the gab. I wonder how he possible could ve restrai the motions of his bussum on the subjeck of the Exccise Lors pressin so severe on paper. But he didn’t seem to care about it no more than I do, as have got little to do with any paper, but brown, of which materials L wears a cap. e has, most of us, a sort of love and afection for anything we’ve been used to imploy in our trade, considers, as it were, that we gets our livin by. Now, l’ma go man plummer ier. I’m sure | could never have kep down the feelins of my brest if [’d bin in Disnaty’s place, and there had been a talk of takin off a tax on Putty. “T am, honored Mr, Punch, &., * Dimon, for a Littery Man, but Reglar Hands.” “ PS.—DismaLy goes praps he aint one of the Tue Trnawny oF mp Conan — Se wapee has a right to cry out against the tyranny Conset, for it is » tyranny which she every morn- such relics, even as the dram-drinker is excited by his gin. ng pute upon herself. VOL, XXIL, 5

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te ee * a anima oo ee! spec A mele clamp: 178 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI “THAT IS THE QUESTION.” Is WsKETS TO BE GENERALLY WORE THIS SummMea!? THE GREAT DIPLOMATIC FIDDLE-CASE, [An Unreported Debate. | Fart Frtzropert—seeing the Noble Lord, the Minister for Foreign Affairs, in his place—was desirous of learning whether he had received from the Court of Vienna any diplomatic despatches relative to the great musical mass, recently performed in the Cathedral of Prague, for the repose of the soul of the late Prince ScHWARTZENBERG ; the first fiddle at the said mass having been played by the British Ambassador ? The Earnt or Marmatape said he had as yet received no official intelligence of what he must consider a most gratifying circumstance (ironical cheers from the opposition)—he would repeat the phrase, gratifying circumstance; as it proved in the most satisfactory, he might add, harmonious manner—that the relations for awhile dis- cordantly suspended between this country and Austria, had been restored by the first fiddle of the British Ambassador. ‘That fiddle bad achieved a European reputation for the purity of its tone, and the energy of its bowing. Lox» Brurram.—Does the Noble Earl mean to say, that he has heard nothing of the extraordinary performances of the British Ambassador in the Cathedral of Prague ! The Eant oy MarMaLape made no such assertion. What he said was—he had received no official intelligence of the matter. He had, certainly, in his place at the Opera, taken part in a mixed conversation relative to the merits of MapemoiseLLe WaGner and the Karu or WestmoreLanD : and he should, perhaps, not be out of order if he ob- served, it bad then and there been suggested that, should Mr. Lumugey be jilted by the prima donna, he mnight at the worst make a stop-gap of the noble Earl representing Her Masesry at the Court of Vienna. LoxnD BaurramM.—Will the noble Kar! inform the House if it is his intention to address the Ambassador on what he (Lorp B.) must con- sider a most vital question? The country would not rest satisfied with vague generalities. The country would know the particular music executed by the noble cat-gut Ambassador—(a /augh)—tlhie time he kept —whether he played upon four strings, or two; with a full account of the stoccata passage, if any, and how and where delivered. The Duxe or Ditcuronp thought the country had every right to congratulate itself upon being represented at so musical a Court as that of Vienna, by a nobleman who—had it pleased destiny to have called him to that station—might have rivalled a Costa, a Mort, or a PaGaNini. Happy was it for this country and Austria, so recently set together by the ears by the captious, and he would add the democratic, meddling of a late Minister—happy, he would say, was it for England that she possessed an Ambassador, who, like Onpueus of old, would, by the ravishment of his strains, turn the very heart of a Russian bear into a ball of honey, and—(here the noble Duke, p hema wt his voice, became inaudible.) The Eat or GaBexDEEN—as the consistent advocate of religious liberty—must express his satisfaction that the noble Har! at Vienna had so “improved” a mournful occasion as to make it a matter of renewed amity between both countries. The lamented Prince ~ as THE REPUBLIC’S LAST KICK. Wuew the great Powers in easier temper are, Louis Napo.eow will dub himself Emperor. Frenchmen, submitting so basely to slavery, Where is your spirit, and where is your bravery ? Oh! the condition of France is delectable, Well-nigh bereaved of each son that’s respectable ; | Banish’d or beggar’d are Worth and Ability, | Fiercely bate y by a tyrant’s hostility. Over her Senate the autocrat dominates, _ Laws humbly ’d by the lackeys he nominates ; Speaking ’s Saleed to the strictest simplicity ; Eloquence gagg’d ;—no debate, no publicity ! Lock’d is the Press, lest it truth should disseminate ; Jesuits are aided the mind to effeminate ; | Princes are plunder’d ; pretorian ferocity Feed, with the spoil, to back all this atrocity. Is this your Liberty’s splendid reality ? This your Fraternity ?—this your Equality ? . This what your lives and your limbs you’ ve been chancing for, Fighting for, bleeding for, singing for, dancing for ? Thy revolution thus proving inanity, | France, shall thy name be a by-word for vanity ? | Wilt thou consent to be look’d on as monkeydom, | Tigerdom, donkeydom, sunk into flunkeydom ? ScHWARTZENBERG died a Catholic; the mass executed for the re of his soul was according to the rite of the Catholic Church ; and he (the noble Ear!) could not, in his mind’s eye, behold a British Amba: sador in the venerable Cathedral of Prague, amidst , and swing. ing censers, and clouds of incense, and all the gorgeous parapher of the Catholic Church; he could not, without the deepest satisfaction, con- template the noble Kar! fiddling, and above the other instruments, and above the chanting, making heard the silveriness of that fiddle—as the best type and representative of that genti onious, and improved foreign policy, that—since the accession of the noble Karl to power—bad been manifested between the two couztries. : y Loxp Brurram.—As the noble Eari was so delighted with the pacific fiddiing of one Ambassador, perhaps—should he again be called to the councils of his country—he would pick the plenipotentiaries for all foreign Courts from the orchestra of the Opera. He (Lorn B.) thought the big drum, the pandeans, and even the bagpipe, might at various Courts represent— . The Marquis or TWEEDALEDEE said, there was really no motion before the House. : i Lorp BrurraM (with much warmth).—Then I will make a motion. And | move accordingly for “a copy of the music exeeuted upon the fiddle at the mass and funeral of Patace ScHWARTZENBERG by the British Ambassador; and, further, for the production of the itself; and, further, for the attendance of a professional fiddler to pat before the House the composition of the Earl Britannic Majesty at the Court of Vienna; and at Prague fiddling in his official capacity for the repose of the soul of the late Paics ScawaktzeNnBeRe of odorous memory.” Ordered.—Their Lordships then adjourned. “THEODORE HOOK” ON THE CORN LAWS. Tue Herald, in a profound article on the scarcity of bread and present eral famine produced by the repeal of the Corn Laws, quotes Hoop’s “ Song of the Shirt ;” saying, “‘Oh God!’ wrote Tuzoporz Hoox, in his unrivalled picture of the misery ill-requited industry, ‘That human flesh should be so cheap And bread should be so dear !’ How fearfully ‘ cheap’ must free trade have made human flesh, when the cheapening of bread has not placed a single ounce of food additional within reach of our workivg ” Exactly what “ Hoox” prophesied, when he dedicated his “ Ode on the Belly, To Frrzrzoy Keuty.” Bayxinc in Avustaatia—lInstead of presenting a cheque in the ordinary way to be cashed at an Australian bank, you carry a scoop into the bank, and are sure to find the instrument duly honoured. A New Name ror THe Souicrton-GenenaL.—Sim Fitz anp Strats. , TT € Zz GP Sad —y G

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI “ Sisrnorp led the way | To light him to his prey.” DESIGN FOR A BAS-RELIEF TO BE DEDICATED TO THE OLD WOMEN OF ENGLAND. NUNS NON-SUCHES. URING the past week Mr. Kwox is reported to have presented, in the House of Commons, a petition from five hundred ladies of the parish of Errigle, and from two hundred and twenty-five ladies of Fivemiletown, both in the county of Tyrone, for the inspection of nunneries. Lamentable bigotry and intolerance this—is it not, my brothers of the Ora- tory? Wherefore a visitation of a convent, but to see if there is anything wrong there? As if that were pos- sible! Asif friars were men, and nuns women —in such a sense as to be peceable. As if abuses had ever crept into any monastic insti- tution; as ,if cruelty, oppression, . intimida- tion, had ever been, or ever ’ ised within its holy walls. ln short, as if all abbots and abbesses were not to be, and could not be, trusted implicitly, not only with the morals, but with the cleanliness, health, comfort, and entire direction of the secret societies under their control. , to be sure, if it were really true that the superiors of abbeys and nunneries were liable to the same passions and infirmities of temper with—for example—conductors of lunatic asylums, there would be the same reason why the law should provide for the inspection of converts, as there is for its enforcing the visitation of madhouses—you see, my brothers. i Wh ; - 3 4 ‘_— a ii} ——- = ; vaintyl fp Perry Sprre.—The original Exhibition Building was ‘o have been built with a large dome. y a lucky acci London was deprived of that monster brick-and-mortar / bominati y tw Commission seems determined that the present Building at al) | events shall ; CANTICLE FOR A PUSEYITE INCUMBENT. How great my fondness for the loaves! How sweet the fishes are to me! To keep my living it behoves, Or I to Rome would flee. But woe is me, unhappy dog! There lies my faith, pe here ’s my prog. Alas! my heart towards the Pope By strong attractive force is bent ; But tether’d by a golden rope To that Establishment Whose bread I eat—oh yes! I do, Although its doctrine I eschew. I wonder if I can compound For eating thus both bread and dirt, By holding still my present ground, My people to convert, And send my flock away to Rome, Whilst I, the shepherd, stay at home.* * Query Frome. SUBSTITUTES FOR THE MILITIA. Tux non-resistance party have devised a plan for cutting out the Minié Rifle. The tailors— whose for the defence of their native land is uniform—are to form th out the country corps of sharp-shooters, who will be armed with the Needle Gun. The ball of this terrific weapon is to be of cotton, and the Needle Gun is to be charged with athimble. Should the French invade us, our —— arising on every side from their shopboards, will march upon them with the goose- step, determined either to sew their foes up with cotton, *. to be bee gover Neng weg ta the E tempt. is mode widing for the natio safety has been devised by the advocates of non- resistance in order to carry out their wise and magnanimous views on the principle of “ a stitch in time.” Tue Feast ov ImaGtwation.— Having no dinner ; but reading a Cookery Book.

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in lg te | 180 PUNCH, | duction of a list of those engaged in the Mineral Trade, distinguishing the Miners from those of mature age. | Control, relative to the Government of India—to move, by way of OR THE PARLIAMENTARY PASS-TIME. AS the object of the House of Commons seems to be to fill up as much time as possible in Motions by which LONDON CHARIVARI. nothing moves, and | in proposing Mea-| sures which termi- | nate always in mea- sures of nothing but | space—we beg leave | to suggest a few) Notices that may be| put upon the paper, | with all the effect | which the parties | seem to have in| view; namely, the} useless prolongation | of the Session. Mr. Curisty: To ask for a return of the number of inha- bitants of Vancou- vers Island, distin- guishing the immediate descendants of Vancouver from the rest of the Natives; and also to inquire if there will be any objection to the pro- Mr. Anstey: On the Motion of the President of the Board of amendment, the addition of the following words :— “That it be an instruction to any Committee which may be appointed upon any subject whatever, to include any other subject whatever ; and that all British subjects in India may be relieved, as far as possible, from all improper burdens to which they may appear to be subjected,” Coronet Tuomeson : To move, in a Committe of Supply, 1. That one and one make two. 9. That good faith ought to be kept with the National Creditor. 3. That honesty is the best policy. 4, That it is not the interest of the community to defraud the Fundholder, who would in fact have no funds to hold if he were so defrauded. Lorp Dupier Stuart: To move for copies or extracts of al) documents relating to Kiutayah up to the present time. Mr. Urnquuart: To move for copies of all the correspondence that has taken place between the Ameers of Ararat and the Nabob, on the subject of the debts of the latter; with copies of all writs that may or may not have been served upon him during the last thirty years. Mr. Wituiams: In Committee on General Board of Health Bill, to inquire whether Welchpool is dried up; and whether Hockley in the Hole, being situated in a hollow, it would not be, on the whole, better for Hockley that the hole should be filled up. Mr. Draummonn: To inquire of the Home Secretary, in reference to the National Land Scheme, whether he has thought proper to give directions for any inquest to be holden in consequence of Syie’s melancholy end. WHAT WILL THE DUKE OF BEAUFORT SAY? Her Masestr—contemptuous of the example of the Due oF Beavurort, who recently had certain of his tenants so well disciplined | for the return of his son for Worcester—Her Masesrty has issued her | | crows commands to the tradesmen of the Castle, that at the approaching election they shall do what they like with their own votes ! The royal butcher stands upon his own leg! ‘The royal poulterer “Grenrett!” or “Rem!” and the royal butterman—vindi- cating the liberty of an unbiassed, unbought Englishman—throws his hustings’ egg at either candidate ! Well, we must repeat the question—“ What wi// the Dux or Beavurort say ?” New Simile:—‘‘As Deaf as the House of Lords.” We continually read in the papers of the House of Lords, of causes | and appeals “ set down for hearing.” As it is almost impossible to hear a word in that handsome, but exceedingly dea‘, building, we should say, of all things in want of a hearing, that the House of Lords itself deserves the greatest “ setting down.” A Crpress WReats ror THe Crystal Patace.—“ It’s the finest | advances upon them, though the vast alace going. THE EARL OF DERBY’S DIGGINS, Various important reflections are suggested by the statement of sugges é | Loxp Dexsy, in his speech at Goldsmiths’ Hall, that he had discovered | a British mine, yielding abundance of gold in the form of statesmen, The first is a familiar proverb, which may be illustrated by the remark that what pretends to be gold, turns out sometimes to be brass. Some may think that the Paemres has rather discovered a mare’s nest—o the nest of another quadruped—than a gold mine. Among the officer of state there is a Gold Stick, but we have yet to learn whether or not the Denny Cabinet is simply composed of sticks of an ordinary kind. Perhaps his Lordship has discovered the phi er’s stone, and has thus been enabled to convert certain leaden ore into a field of precious metal; and, if country gentlemen may be regarded as pigs of lead, he may be considered to have driven his pigs to a pretty market; « least the pigs themselves will think so, should that market turn ou: to be Free Trade. The noble Earl’s alacrity at turning things to gol reminds us of Midas, and the resemblance may perhaps be thought t be completed by the style of jokes that he has got lately into the habit of making after dinner. We augur favourably from this disposition to jocularity. It promises that his Lordship will become a Free Trader, perceiving Protection to be no joke. At least he will see that a dear bread Ministry can have no claim to those golden opinions that be would claim for his Government, and is comparable, not to gold, but to the baser metal of pinchbeck, or rather pinchbelly, HOM(CZ0PATHIC REVELRY. Tue friends and supporters of the “ London Homeopathic Hospital” held their anniversary festival the other day at the Albion. A dinner is a sensible thing, and therefore the votaries of Homceopathy cannot be accused of unmitigated folly. The Rignt HonovrasBie THE Kan or ALBEMARLE presided as chairman; doubtless, this nobleman, » distinguished in the scientific world, so well qualified, by anatomical, physiological, nosological researches, to form a sound judgment ons medical question, considered well what he was about Gee lending his name and influence to a system which proclaims the whole science of medicine, as professed by the Colleges of Physicians and Surgeons,: mistake. The tickets, including wine, for this banquet, were a guines each, which proves that the HauNeMANNITEs do not entirely carry out their principle of “similia similibus,” as if they did, they would dine for the good of Homeceopathy on homeopathic fare, eat infinitesima globules of muscular and vegetable fibre, and drain goblets of pro- portionate contents, considerably more diminutive than the acorn cups of Queen Mas: to whose court hom ie doctors might well enough be physicians. Subscriptions and ions are received for this infinitesimal charity by certain bankers; but, neither are thes contributions expected to be infinitesimal, or we should be disposed to beg the Homeopathic Hospital’s acceptance of the billionth part of 1 grain of the perspiration of a sovereign which had been subjected to Mosaic diaphoresis. LOUIS NAPOLEON’S LAST CHANCE. Iw his recent letter to the Times “ An Englishman” remarks, speaking of the late conversion of the French 3 per cents :— “Coneurrently with this financial ‘operation, an order was woul, & 13 different costumes for 13 sets of functionaries. We are not informed if the k may make i metals consumed in their of the p decoration would perhaps warrant it in doing so.” In other words—there is a chance, this writer thinks, that the versatile Prince President (who is caeenes the of the Bank aforesaid) will shortly do a little tate business in the Pawnbroking line! The conjecture is plausible, certainly; and w are in hourly expectation of a decree confirming it. For, surely ov Littte Nap. will never lose the opportunity for so thoroughly social poet to that often-apostrophised prototype of his— “ My Uncie!” “Stand not upon the Order of your Going !” Ir is said that a decree is about to appear in the Moniteur to settle the questions of precedence concerning the great bodies—which are fact the great nobodies—of the State. Whatever may be the order 0 precedence settled by the Moniéeur, it is probable that they will some day go all together, which will put an end to any difficulty as to whic is to go first. NASCITUR, NON FIT. Tue new Solicitor-General has so little knowledge of th statistics of Bread that, in spite of his hi attainments, he woud not, in the event of a vacancy, be well to the Mastership “ the Rolls,

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o— \ PS ways pay AN\ A SS RES ~ ~~ NN ‘ SN NATIONA “LET LAWS AND LEARNING, ARTS, AND COMMERCE DIE,

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” etm BS 5 = a ~ / } Md 4 a LL _— —— FAVOURITE PUMP. aN ENG ES A tie ad i“ Ye | aS SY) Rete N = a ‘Aly (f \\i i | { | Hy = we A en IT * vit . oh | ) \ Ma) ¥ v } | h i\) i i \, | ips ¥ 4 } { , } \ he \ 1 RAVE US STILL OUR OLD ABSURDITY.”—}ouny English Ballad.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. GEE-HO, WAGNER! Tue name of the new Prima Donna from Berlin is not at all new to musical circles. We recollect for a long time seeing advertised at the cheap ics about town the name of the “ Warsiine WacconeRr.” psests5 HER M THE \ \ x THE GOLDEN AGE. Go tp is being picked up so plentifully that the precious metal will soon he voted preciously vulgar; and, in faet, it will be considered so little worth the trouble of seeking, as to be absolutely infra dig. We shall not be surprised to hear that the old legend of London streets being paved with gold proves to be not without foundation, and that a stratum of gold will some day turn up in one or other of the public thorough- fares. Gold is being picked up in such abundance at Port Philip, that we should not be astonished at finding some eccentric ticket-of-leave man sending over, in a fit of liberality, a remittance in payment of the National Debt. e shall feel no surprise if the next advices from MISS VIOLET AND HER “ OFFERS.” oe CHAPTER V. AtpanY—I mean Ma. Sweitovctow—has managed it at and pape has introduced us. But, oh, how hard the poor young ay try efore he succeeded! Suddenly, and I suppose for the first time in | | his life, he poms to say attention to his dress ; and really made himself | look exceedingly well. Wherever we went, papa and J, he contrived | to mcehan pocieaniie, But it was all of no use. Papa used to give him a good-natured nod, but never would enter into conversation ; and poor ALBANY was obliged to go away, day by day, looking perfectly | miserable, and wishing, most earnestly, I have no doubt, that the sea | would rise and wash away Brighton, or that the French would land | an army at the end of the pier, or some other little excuse arise | his a to Viotet Bromrvon. | “ Miss Viowet,” said papa, all of a sudden, as we were ecantering | home from the Dyke one afternoon, “you must come to town with me to-morrow to a christening y.” what people we know that have been having a “The Directors of the Circumnavigating Amalgamated Paddie-box | Steamboat Company,” replied ; “and their baby, which is rather | a fine one, py hi hundred feet long, is to undergo the ceremony of | immersion at wall to-morrow, at high tide.” | “O,alaunch, papa! That will be delightful. Only—” | “The bonnet you had on this morning will, on the cont »” said papa, demure’ | exceedingly well, Miss Vio.er Brompton | so will the dress.” | Next day we were at Blackwall in very good time. We were most | politely received in a sort of great dark workshop, and were conducted into an enormous yard, beyond which I could see the river. The yard was studded with rows of immense and between them, like some huge black giant fish, was the vessel, with the wrong end towards us, do ly, “and -| It gave one a great notion of vastness; but I had no time to think about it, for three or four gentlemen, recognisi came up. As soon as I was introduced, one of them—it was Mr. Wervi (he is a dreadfully rich biseuit-exporter, but owns I don’t know how many Members of Parliament, and all sorts of things) —said, “There’s your bottle, Miss Brompton, Don’t be nervous about smashing it.” I must have stared quite stupidly. Papa says that I can open my eyes wider than any lady of his acquaintance, except one of the great owls at Arundel, “TI am to smash a bottle?” I repeated. “ There it hangs,” said Mn, Weevrt, pointing. And surely enough there was a cord from the bow of the vessel, a black wine hottle. It half-way down, and a sort of scaffold or platform, covered with chintz, rose to meet it. Australia inform us that it has been raining showers of gold, as well as blowing clouds of gold dust. The only drawback on all this prosperity | is the awkward fact, that the gold cannot be eaten; for it would be | difficult to turn it into golden pippins, or distil some of it into golden | sherry, while the pursuit of it is putting a stop to the cultivation of all the necessary means of subsistence. A few golden ears of corn would | bea real blessing among all this embarras des richesses, which is not only | impeding all useful labour, but éven the official business of the country | is likely to be at a stand-still. The police have run off in a body to the diggings ; the clerks in the Government employ have run after the police: and the Governor, the Bishop, and the Judge are left behind to do not only all the business of the country, but all the househol duties of their own private establishments. Velocipedes are said to be already on their way out for the use of these functionaries, who may perhaps have themselves started for the diggings by the time the consignments intended for them may arrive. How a paltry fifteen hundred a-year can retain the services of any man in a country where a convict is picking up his two or three hundred a-week, we are quite unable to conceive. The Governor must find it exceedingly difficult to restrain himself; and indeed the position mnst be a very trying |¢ one to the Judge, as well as to all the other parties concerned. On the Destruction of the Orystal Palace. “ Ingenuas didicisse fideliter artes, Emollit mores, nec sinit esse feros.” —Ovip. THe poet taught that cruelty departs From breasts inhabited by iib’ral arts. Alas! will fature poet have to tell Art’s noblest work by cruel Mawwens fell ? MuisisteeiaLt Dieorxes.—In the new di Eart or Densyr, i works are ings, as discovered by the we are afraid that very little will turn up; for the filled with too many Government “ placers,”’ “The name is to be Chimborazo, if ,” said another gentle- man. “I will write it down, lest al the critical moment it should escape you. I remember on a similar occasion a young Scottish lady's nervousness slightly ed her memory, and a beautiful ship for the Medits service, which it was intended to call the Lacedamon, went into the water as the Demon Lassie, _ “But you pever mean that I am to christen the vessel” I said, quite in a flurry, a8 the idea broke upon my mind. “ Your papa gh to write us word that the Chimborazo would have that good fortune,” said the gentleman who had last spoken. “* And you never told me that, papa.” “Or fo would have rehearsed the part, my love, I suppose. Never me - We shall manage quite well.” thd al . voy ee looking workman came up, touching his Vv P, ing about the tide 7 had told me the news, and co of he ship, “ everybody to and | mounted the scaffold with remarkable sentence if anybody should light upon it og and on the |/ittle platform 1 found Directors. Mx. Ketson, introduced me + Dn, A pda back the bottle the great steamer. And then he, and went down, and scrambled projec- | Ca!

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going to call the vessel. Good gracious me! It had gone quite out of my head. Mr. Kewsow had forgotten to write it down, and | was worse off than the poor young lady he mentioned, for I could not think of anything like it. 1t was some mountain, that I was sure. | hastily called up before me all the mountains I knew (just as they stand in the icture of Comparative Heights in our School Atlas), but I could not it upon the right one. Himalaya sprang up behind Mont Blanc, and Snowdon before Vesuvius, the Pyrenees and Alps and Andes literally danced round me. O, I was so ashamed of myself! “ Pray,” I said, pitifully, “does any lady know the name of the

| vessel?” N omy knew—nobody had heard—one little girl, however, suggesting that her brother had a Lost at Broadstairs, t holidays, called the Jumping Jimmy, and begging I would call this ship so, because that would be fun. How I looked round for assistance! But papa and everybody had gone, and I could see their figures against the sky, at a distance which at that moment seemed a thousand miles at least. “ What ever shall I do!” I said; and as I spoke, I happened to look up, and very near ns, but perched high up on a ledge where nobody but a wild person would have thought of climbing, I saw a gentleman who had clearly got there only that he might watch us. A giance told me who it was. There clung the eternal Arzany Swetuineron. The other ladies discovering him, there was a general cry to him. But he kept his eyes steadily on me. “ Anything wrong ?” he shouted. “ Can I be of any service?” And though he was at least ten yards from the ground, he looked as if I had only to say “‘ Jump,” and down he would have gone. “ The name, the name ”” cried a dozen voices. “ Chimborazo,”’ he instantly replied, very distinctly. “ Think of arms akimbo and razors.” And in spite of his dangerous position, the earnest creature illustrated his mnemonics by putting his arms to his sides, and | then by poms to shave. I could hardly help laughing, but | am | certain that he saw nothing to laugh at; and was only zealous that | | should remember the name. I gave him a grateful look—at least he | says so—and then a pistol went off, and all the ladies called upon me to | make haste. For there was the monster ship, which was to fight the | storms half round the world, ready to make her first plunge into the water, and only waiting one word from the lips of a little girl. I had prompters enough then, but I did not want them—the word | was said—the bottle fell in pieces from the side of the ship, with a great

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splash of wine, and the next minute the immense mountain was sliding away from before us, like a moving panorama, disclosing a new scene of masts and posts, and workmen, and houses, and flags, all standing out against the ht blue sky. Such cheering and shouting, as the ship, making one plunge, shot out into the water, and then glided along

186 PUNCH. OR THE L ONDON CHARIVARI.

dockyards ships are built on sound mathematical principles, and that it is only those built at the expense of the nation t tumble over and sail backwards, and are altogether blunders, ‘ : When papa rejoined us, | could not help telling him what a fright I had been in, and of ALBAny’s kind assistance. He listened very ation had been accompanied, he laughed very heartily, and dec there was “something i# that young fellow.” And no sooner did he see Mr. Sweiiineton looking fora place at the beautiful déjesiner Mr. Ketson gave us all, at Lovecrove’s Hotel, to celebrate the

launch, than he pointed to a chair next tome. AxBaNy’s grateful dart at it was beautiful to behold; and so was his pleasure, when papa, introducing him to me, thanked him for having prom a young lady who had forgotten her geography. BIGOTRY AT BIRMINGHAM. MAN tumbles into a deep ditch. A well-meaning passer-by seeks to pick him out. “Stop!” cries the man floundering in the mire—“are you a Catho- lic?” “Tam.” “ You are! Then, go your way, and let me scramble as [ may in the filth.” shall 3 Another man’s house begins yl : to blaze. And another man takes up a bucket of water to quench the rising conflagra- tion. “Stop! What’s your religion?” “Catholic!” “ Be off! and let my _ habitation —~ burn to the ground.” Another breaks his leg. A surgeon is sent for; and is about to bestow his skill upon the fractured limb. “Sir,” says the patient, “my nurse informs me that you go to mass; and therefore, without laying a finger upon my leg, you ’!| leave my house.” Mrs. CuisnoLm, by her own energy—her own sagacious power—has done more to assist the cause of emigration than any knot of English statesmen. Thousands of the ignorant and the destitute, both in this country and in Ireland, a burden to themselves and a pest to society— thousands of wretched creatures, by the means of Mrs. Cu1sHoim, have been sent to the Antipodes to find there homes and social comforts, and what commonly results from these—self-respect. Mrs. Cutsnoim visits Birmingham; but she is a Catholic, and the philanthropists of Birmingham cannot work wit! her—

“ Mr. James referred to a weekly London paper, which had in a leader made some animadversions on Mes. CHIsHoLa’s scheme as capable of being misapplied to proselyte emigrants to the Roman Catholic religion, of which she herself was a zealous professor. Mas. Cutsnoi™ repelled these charges, and stated her wish, though ‘a Catholic,’ to act justly to the emigrants in religious and all other matters.” A truth, nobly illustrated by the untiring practice of a most admirable lady : a truth averred by the friendship and patronage of the Kant or SHaPTEsBuRyY, a nobleman not to be suspected of Popish sympathies. However, Ma. James, Ma. Mictzr, and Mr, But, would not act with Mxs. CuisHotm to provide a home for the outcast and the wretched. Mr. James is the man in the mire, who will not be picked out by a Catholic. Mr. Mrtxer has his house in a blaze, and forbids a Papist to empty a bueket upon the fire. Mr. Butt languishes with a broken leg; and no surgeon who hears | mass, shall presume to set it. Such the zeal to be found among certain Brummagem philanthropists.

The Order of the Bath. and knighted Loxp Brovucutoy, and several distinguished ollicers. We hope it will not be very long ere we shail be gratified by the announcement that the Qugen has conferred the Knighthood of the Bath on some clever fellow who shall have contrived to supply every inhabitant of the Metropolis with the materials for that luxury, or — i —ageanes in the shape of a cheap and abundant supply of pure soft water, Tue Last Importep Yanyxeztsm.—A Yankee no longer marries 4

ly, keeping her position as exactly as if, instead of her bein a mass of timbers and planks fastened together, nature had made her : young crittur now; he “annexes” her.

floating creature. But papa told me afterwards that in all private quietly ; but when he heard of the pantomime with which the inform. | Her Masesty, we are informed by the Court Circular, held, the other day, an Investiture of the Most Honourable Order of the Bath, |

y» lenb>”~ — aie On” Ait os

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL HOW TO SERVE INVADERS. A SENTIMENTAL CANDIDATE. Tue Ex-Railway King has been recent! IR,—Really I must say, | Sunderland in a pny | pathos almost i if you will allow me, | policeman’s bull’s-eye, or touch the heart as a party that fre-| The following extract must not be look quently derive amuse- pared himself with an extra pocket-handk ey ment from your enter-| in which to catch the copious discharge likel from the taining facetia, that | |achrymal glands. er proceeds without taking fh precaution yes = , rg we have suggested, will do so at his peril. subject w* w* gratify! 4.0 denen.” 2 many gents like my-| times when all the footings of ay heey ny pay ty bo yo self, by an agreeable | support; but I refer to my warm and kind friends surrounding me, and I bave said bles, alles, Ste, to | sou Go emer teem ofan ove feat, oho ene ments om eas aes the Militia Bill & the | from "my grave and curse them. (Hear, hear.) My right hand shall forget her National Defences, ge- | cunning, before I shall forget the favours I have reosived at your hands. (Appiause.) nerally speaking, ag | The sacrifices I have made have cost me many anxious thoughts.” such preparations for| We can appreciate the gratitude expressed by the [x-Railway hostilities must neces-| monarch towards Sunderland, for not having hauled him over its cele- | sarily be attended | brated coals. His threat to his family that his ghost will make its with an amount of | appearance, is evidently suggested by the Corsican Brothers; but even taxation w" | sh¢ de-| the realisation of this spectral s tion is less improbable than the | scribe a8 an awful declaration that the right hand of the Hon. Member will “ forget its sacrifice. A little|cunning.” Such a result is almost impossible in the case of such a seasonable ridicule of | very knowing hand. volunteers & militia- | men w* be of great service in preventing such superfluous ex- pense, if you w* be so obliging as to devote some of your superior articles & splendid illustrations with this view. Iam afraid, however, Mr. Punch, that you do not quite partake of my sentiments on the subject of invasion. “For my part, Sir, I have no hesitation in saying that I see no reason at all for spending our money to prevent the French from attacking this country. If they were to come over here, it is highly improbable that they w¢ inflict any serious injury on us, if we received them with good-humour. They w* only kick us a little, &c., but w4 soon cease to be unpleasant if we did them the agreeable. Being a remarkably gallant people, I do not apprehend they w* behave rude to our female relatives ; but, on the contrary, believe they w* be polite & attentive to the fair sex. There is no fear they w* attempt to destroy us; their object is merely to triumph over us for the honour and glory of so doing. Indeed, that is too much to say; for [ apprehend, Sir, that it is merely our army and navy, and not ourselves, that they w* wish to humiliate. Any slight depredations they might commit w* soon terminate, & w* not, I sh* say, amount to half the sum national defences will cost us. Besides, as soon as we had quietly submitted to them, they w* become our customers ; just as their army, no doubt, is now doing in Rome, w" w soon indemnify us for any little loss we might suffer from them. As for their enslaving us, [ shall be most happy to serve them. The ; ~~ er will not harm us, matte we offer them _ TWO WORDS T0/A BARGAIN. ¢ ins of paying troops to do that, let us organise a to , , receive M. Lous N APOLLON, should that rent oblige us with the . i—_ * We won't have Free Trade. Our Ports are closed, and shall avour of a visit, ing, * the ueri ero Comes |’ ie te ; P “ Why, you on, ir appose the nadhendis were defended against Amenican. “Then we will open our Ports, and convince you that you're an enemy, even if the defence were successful, there w* be more | “70"9- parties killed, _— windows broken, & a greater loss of property; ———————— = oe | than there w we made no opposition. r fur Young ae “T am a party without prejudice, Mr. Punch. My views are those Tangpen-deomiedye cun.chiasies in, sad tunenen food are objected of . o_—— : 7 = — rm one specie. It = t be unpleasant to the nobs for Eng to become a province of France ;| to; in there i ch objection to every ies of taxation, that. but for my part I sh‘ not object to that arrangement: as I do not | it is mo yy tre what to tax. The least oumaiinel would be # tax on vanity and folly, and to consider it would be detrimental to business; which is the main thing. | imposts, it has been | am quite aware that these sentiments may be thought by some accordingly # proposition has made to lay a tax upon stays; but | parties to be of an inferior description; but, Sir, peace at any price—|this is opposed by political economists on the ground that such a its price not being £ s. @., is the motto of that humble gent who has duty would have a tendency to check consumption. the honour to be, Your obedient Servant, | | The Merry Wights of Windsor. Tue Ruegar of Debate and his Semitic CuanceLion or THE | Excurquer have obviously cast themselves for the respective parts lish El in P \of Master Slender and the Great Lubberly Boy. When the Karl is Eng Sqaanss 55 SNe asked # question, he wraps himself in official reserve; and when Tux French Academy—on the suggestion of MowraLemsent—have | the commoner is pressed for a reply, he implores the House to wait for offered a prize of 4,000 francs for the best Essay on “Political Eloquence , his financial statement. In short, the one agrees “to cry Mum, | in England.” ‘The Essay is to begin with Cuatuam and end with | and the other “ to cry Budget. | Caxwixe. Why not rather introduce the practical results of English | ————_——_ Eloquence; beginning with the Freedom of the Press, and ending with| Curious Distinction.—The English love; the French make love. Habeas Corpus ? —Madame Punch, “* Marylebone, April 27.” “ HicGies.”

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| 188 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI EE — SUGGESTIONS FOR SONG-WRITERS. | Is asong, a8 in a conveyance, it is everything to “make a title,” and we have therefore thrown together a few “ first lines,” which may be used either in their present order, or they may be varied by any process of shuffling consistent with the rules of rhyme and metre. The whole song, or any part of it, ig quite at the service of any of our modern balladists who may be in want of any material of the kind: “T can’t forget thee if I would.” * You il meet me—won’t you—in the glen?’ “1 dare not love thee, if | could.” “ My heart is broken now as then.” ** Can memory teach me to forget ?” * To-morrow is a bitter word.”’ “ He loves me, or he lovés me not.” “ Thine is the only name that’s heard.” “Oh! do not say that I must go.” “T feel that you and I must part.” “ She breathed soft words in murmurs low.’ “ There is a canker at my heart.” “ Affection is a sacred tie.”’ “The past we never can recall.” “ Beneath the willow let me lie.” “We met—’twas at a fancy ball.” “WHERE IS THE HOLY LAND?” Tuts childish question torments us daily. It stares us in the face each morning with our 7imes, and repeats itself to our unwilling eyes n huge red-lettered posters throughout the day. The very type, weil it may: for, really, it is distressing to think that, in this era of enlightenment, this present March (we mean no pun) of Intellect, there “an yet be found an individual whose geography has been so sadly neglected. And still more heart-rending is it to contemplate the lonely »t that forces him to seek the knowledge he requires through the innatural medium of a public advertisement. We would seriously direct the attention of our Education Com- missioners to the fact; and would further urge the propriety of some venevolent apne ag at once investing his sympathies and five shillings in the eause, by the insertion of an answering advertisement to the effect, that “‘the Advertiser may obtain the information he requires, by application, during class-time, at any of our Infant Charity or Ragged Schools.” The Parson of Frome without the F. “ Iyrrrmity” is alleged as the excuse of the Bisuor or Baru anp We ts for sanctioning Mr. Bennett's preferment to the livingof Frome. The “infirmity” seems to have consisted in a weakness of perception, by reason of which the Bisnor cannot distinguish between the Church | of Rome and the Church of Frome. RECENT ADDITION TO THE CHAMBER OF HORROKS, Tue horror of our friend StsraorP, on seeing it stated in a public print that his presence had been lately noticed at a Meeting for the Preservation of the Crystal Palace! ndeed, appears to blush at the lamentable ignorance it reveals. And | A SAFE PROPHECY. Reatty, the weather’is becoming a conversational bore of greater magnitude than we are used to, even in England. We doubt if the “oldest inhabitant ” can remember a time when it was more vigorously talked about. At least one hundred and fifty times a day, our opinion is privately consulted as to the probable duration of the drought. And, publicly, too, almost everybody we meet keeps ing the eternal ques- tion—* When are we to have rain?” And no dares in the vaguest way to answer it. March, they re-echo, has , and given us pecks enough of its dust to ransom all the kings that ever reigned—from Davip downwards. April, too, is gone, and scarce a dozen drops of her proverbial showers have sprinkled us, Even Greenwich Fair has, this year, come without its usual deluge. And still the barometrical ittle Dutch—ess keeps perversely out of doors, and our desponding umbrella-makers draw nearer and nearer to that Pantomimic Penal Settlement—the “ Cavern of Despair.” Now, we are not a Morpuy, and to weather-w’sdom in general we nake but small pretensions. But, in this particular instance, we think we have asufficiently safe barometer by us to venture our meteorological reputation upon its prophetic veracity. For, by reference to our Engagement-book, we find that there is a Chiswick Fée appointed for Saturday, the 13th of May; and abundant experience teaches us to expect that it will prove, as usual, a celestially Aquatic one ! WHAT IS SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE, &c. Suoutp the Corn Laws be restored, it is probable that severa Protectionist parties will spring up, for the purpose of demanding at the hands of Parliament such measures as the ruined interests require. Che following will be a few of the principal claimants, in the event of the renewal of Free Trade :— The Protectionist Post-Boys will demand a repeal of all the Railway Acts that have ever been passed. The Protectionist Watchmen will agitate for the instant abolition of the Police force, which has been the utter ruin of their class. The Protectionist Watermen will ask that a heavy duty may be enforced, for their benefit, on every traveller by Steam-boat between Richmond and London Bridge. The Protectionist Tinder-Box Manufacturers will clamour for the peeve of a tax of one shilling upon every box of Lucifers or Congreve lights, The above are only a few of the cases in which the success of the ery for Protection would lead to analogous demands. Perhaps an | amalgamation of the Agricultural Protectionists with one or all of the | classes specified might be arranged. oe —— = Second Thoughts are Best. Sin Frrzroy Key has been trying to explain at Ipswieh his state- ment at Harwich, that the people of England had not had “an ounce | more bread” in consequence of Free Trade, and he has amended his assertion, by saying ‘‘that the people have not had one pound weight per head more to eat in 1850” than they had been previously accustomed to. It is something gained to have got up from one ounce to twenty-six millions of pounds in a few days; and, if Sin Fitzroy goes on at this rate, increasing his estimate of the consumption of food, we have no doubt we shall find ourselves soon agreeing with him as to the extent of the gain by the repeal of the Corn Laws. When he fixed the additional food at an ounce, we hardly expected he would long | adhere to such an absurd an-ounce-ment, A Veteran Cutting his Teeth. Amone the multiplicity of losses advertised in the papers, we never expected to meet with such an announcement as the following, which appeared in the 7imes of Wednesday :— “ LOST, a Set of AuririciAL TeeTH, supposed to have been dropped in the neighbour- hood of Hanover Square, on the 7th of April.’ That a maa may drop his handkerchief without missing it, or even let his spectacles slip from his nose, imperceptibly, we may manage to believe; but that any individual could have had his eyes shut to the sudden shedding of all his teeth, is a picture we vainly attempt to realise. We recommend the advertiser to consider seriously whether all his teeth may not have been knocked down his throat without his | being aware of it. | | Newsrarer Voractry.—It was said in the debate on the newspaper | question that the Zimes is eating up all its contemporaries. If this | be the case, the 7imes is doing more for its opponents than the public eaten up by the 7'imes, can find no one else to swallow them. are disposed to do, for some of the journals in question, while being re = > ©

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 189 THE LOUNGER’S TEAR. A Last Lay of the Crystal Palace. NDER the nave he walked, To take a farewell look | At the Building where, last summer-time, Such frequent strolls he took. He missed the well-known sounds That lingered in his ear : And he drew his mental cambric forth, And wiped away a tear ! Around, where soon shall be Restored the naked sod, Stood thinly scattered two or three Where late the thousands t "Twas a mournful sight to him That space so vast, so And again he piped his mental eye, And dropped a mental tear ! He sadly left the spot, Oh, do not deem eak ! w And Niobean torrents flowed Adown his mental cheek. Go, mourn the Nation’s Pet— The Pride of one short year : And own that even a SisrHorr now Could scarce deny a tear ! him MISS VIOLET AND HER “ OFFERS.” —_—_—_>——. CHAPTER VI. “Te christening breakfast is a pretty good one, eh! Miss Viotet ?” said papa. “ Give me four of those amiable prawns, and tell me whether you approve of the Amalgamated Paddle-boxes ?”’ I confessed [ thought the scene quite delightful. It was a beautiful afternoon ; the water was very high, and at Blackwall you get two such large, broad views of the river, that with the help of a little imagi- nation, (and, as papa very wickedly remarked, a little champagne,) you may believe yourself to be far away from dear old poky, choky, smoky London. And then our déjetiner was so nicely m , long table, covered with glass, silver, and flowers, interspersed only with dishes, which, as the 7 cookery-books say, “look elegant,”— | jellies spangled with gold leaf, ivory blanc-mange gemmed with straw- | berries like rubies, fairy temples of amber sugar, vases of preserved fruits of delicious Lolenp-agll made such a pretty picture, that I was quite vexed with the greedy creatures who broke it up without the least ceremony. Our party was a large one. The Chairman of the Company, Sir Cowry Pice—the dearest old man you ever saw; tall, and white-| haired, but still very handsome, and his nice old kind voice just be- inning to weaken, but not in the least cracked—he was at the head. ight and left of him were the ladies, between the gentlemen who brought them. But the ladies were too few for the civilisation of any great length of the table, and two | lines of black-coated creatures made a perspective, at the end of which was a gentleman who was incessantly shouting to everybody to take wine with him. He was also a Director of the Amalgamated, and he amalgamated his own directions shockingly towards the end of the lunch, and no wonder, considering how many times his glass had been filled. The pretty things on the table were sadly pushed about to make | room for turtle-soup, and white-bait, and cofelettes a la financiére, and other matters, which made, as an Irish gentleman opposite poetically observed, “not a bad imitation of a cowld collation.” And the champagne corks popped in every direction ; and as for the waiters, they flew about with the ttles, as if what ArBawy said were true ; namely that any waiter would be discharged who saw an ay glass and di not instantly fill it. As for he was enjoying himself greatly in his quiet way, and I was quite delighted to see what attention all the leading gentlemen paid him, telling him little bits of confidential news — which seemed to to very important subjects, and waiting for his | answers, with evident respect. One of the guests was a Member of Par- oe found. He was dreadfully ugly, with yellow hair, and all his | forehead puckered into wrinkles, occasioned, papa said, by his sitting up all night to learn long sums by heart, that in the House he | might spatter out the figures against all his enemies. Near him was a young barrister, with a white cravat and diamond studs, and he worried the clever arithmetical Member sadly by trying to be smart at the end of each of the other’s remarks. “You set the Speaker a little Rule-of-Three work last night, Mr. Puraction, I see,” said papa. | “Ah! yes,” said Mr. Puractiow, with a look and tone of great | vexation, “but the papers have utterly spoiled the speech, utterly vitiated my argument. Don’t read it.” “T won't,” said papa ; “rely upon my friendship to that extent, and | upon any similar occasion. But what have they made you say—indeed, | what was the question? I hardly looked.” “Why, Sim Bamwactz Mavi had moved, and very properly, that every Bishop appointed to a see in Wales should be able to speak | Welsh. Thereupon, Mummery Niwpus, the Puseyite, moved as an amendment, that every Colonial Bishop should be blacked all over, or tattooed, according to the state of the flock he was sent to. I sup Mavi; but you will not comprehend my reasons, for instead of 18493724, the figures I used, they have printed 19531876. It’s very provoking.” “ But what on earth,” said papa, “have those awful figures to do with a clerical question a “ Every question is a question of figures,” said Mr. Puracrion, gloomily, “ especi i Z y clerical ones.” “But not of lay figures,” snapped in the smart young barrister. “* And if | were the Speaker, I would stop your arithmetic in. the lan- guage of the Matilda-press novels, and say * Figure to yourself——’ ” Mr. Puraction waited very quietly until the smart gentleman had let off his two little jokes, and then he said ; “My numbers were the number of Welsh je who would very likely have gone to church, if their bishops had spoken Welsh since the lst of March, 1800.” “By Jove!” exclaimed Atnayy, who for the first moment had turned his attention to anybody but his neighbour. “I beg your pardon, but I mean that I don’t understand how you calculate such a _| matter.” -~ looked up at Mr. Atpany, as much as to say, “ Now, you Aave caught it!” “Thus,” said Mr. Poraction. “Take the number of churches and what they will bold, and the registers of marriages and baptisms, multiply these by the assessed taxes, subtracting the paupers in work- houses, who have chapels therein, and su the prisoners in jails, who probably are not ee ae at church ; add the god- fathers godmothers to the bridesmen and bridesmaids, deducting three cent. for bridesmaids under the age of fourteen, and two per cent. for Dissenting ones who will not go to church, but only eat the breakfast,—dividing, also, the freeholders by the holders, and mul- tiplying the tenants-at-will who vote for church candidates——” “ By the tenants-at-won’t, who go in for the —— * in the smart ister; and so poor ALBANY was saved, Mr. Pu —dashed RACTION, A| who was put out, promising to write it all down for him. Proud of his victory, the barrister turned to a French lady who, with her husband, had been invited to see the launch. , “ Madam ne parle par note langue?” he asked, with a patronising smile. Madame looked at her husband, who brought up his lingual forces with the utmost alacrity. “Ab!” he said, laughi -naturedly, “ not too much well. Not still. At the good Cae | apm “ Ceat difficile,” said Madame, smiling. : “ Say vray, say vray,” graciously returned the Englishman ; “ say ‘ro vray. May,” be continued, wishing to be spirituel, “ le tong fay mirark, Regardez-mwaw, je le parle tray fi maw.” “ But Monsieur is an English person }” asked the gentleman, not apprehending the joke. ] “* Say vray,” again replied the barrister. “‘Set oon petee calemlug de mwaw, say too.”? “Ah!” said the Frenchman ; and courteously commenced laughing heartily, in a high key, as soon as he understood that the other h intended to amuse him. And the latter, with great earnestness, remarked to us how the acquisition of a foreign language humanised society, and promoted universal brotherhood. ’ As for ALBawy, he was so happy, that he agreed with everybody, but certainly without listening to anybody but with a slight excep- tion in favour of papa. Mx. Puraction’s w ul problem diverted him for a moment; I suppose, because, having been accustomed (as he admitted) to think of “the odds,” which is some kind of equestrian arithmetic—ealculations were easy to him. Indeed, papa congratulated him on this, and told him to mind his “book,” as, if he got into VOL, XXII, U

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| . a Money-safe on the other.” | 190 PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL © —— — Parliament it might recommend him to the favour of a herse-racing Ministry. But Atsawy declared that he had given all such things up, and was reading very hard for the bar. I cannot say that he talk well; mdeed be was far too happy to care much what he said, but he seemed to know something on most subjects. Only his ideas came out as if he had not been in the habit of drawing upon them—as if he had associated with people on whom they would bave been wasted. think he was a little surprised at finding that I did not talk, perhaps, juite such nonsense as some men think all girls talk. But it is too early to tell what he thought about me. When everybody had finished |unch, Sir Cowry Pice stood up, and idenly six gentlemen, a little below us, pulled out six pencils, and next day all the world knew exactly what the dear old man had said. He proposed that we should all wish good fortune to the great ship we had seen launched, and which was just then, we could see, being towed into the dock, to be finished. And, looking very kindly at me, he added something which I should actually be ashamed to write down, only that the.six gentlemen were good enough to rap their pencils on the table, and then to take down Sin Cowry’s exact words. He said that, let the good ship Chimborazo touch at a thousand shores, as he heartily hoped she might do, for the sake of the dividend (here all the gentlemen applauded), as well as for her own, she would never find a more charming person than the young lady who had that day done her the | honotr of giving her a name. . ‘The company applauded, papa nodded, as muc!i as to say—“ Yes, she’s not se disdreeable,” and, as for ALBany, I believe he was meditatmg a leap upon his chair for the purpose of leading off the Kentish fire, or some sachdiremendous demonstration ; but I happened, providentially, to give him an appealing look, which so bewildered him that ms purpose failed him,,and he contented himself with giving, in a most intense whisper, his Zealous assurance to me, that Str Cowry Picz had not said half'enoygh in my praise. B - {THE MOSAIC ARAB AT THE CAPE. R. Puwcu,—Under the head of news from the Cape of Good Hope, a morning con- temporary makes the follow- ing statement, which is not altogether perspicuous : ‘* Some Hottentot women were also taken prisoners, who stated that pack bullocks laden with gun- powder, passed the T’ Somo, sup- posed to have been obtained from Mosuesn, and on the way to the lower country, to the Gaikas and Galekas. Mosnesn is said to sell gunpowder openly, at a store kept for that purpose: and that bis chief article of barter with Euro- peans who go to that part, is that commodity.’ “Who is this Mosuzesm that sells gunpowder among the Kaffirs? Is Mosuesu an individual, or a name employed, as it sometimes is in familiar discourse, to denote the Hebrew community? Mosnesu, I was aware, is to be met with almost everywhere; but I hardly expected to find him in Kaffirland, following the occupation of a cunpowder merchant. At least, [ should never have supposed that anything more nearly connected with gunpowder than a shooting-jacket would be found in the establishment of Mr. Mosuesu. “ INQurRER.” Meat and Money. _A FrencuMan, discoursing elegantly, and accurately, of course—as all Frenchmen do—upon , says, “ The English love their meat and their money more than anything else. These are their two great absorbing passions. When they are not eating, they are making money ; and when not occupied in the counting-house, they are sure to be in the larder. To prove to what an extent they carry these two passions, | may mention that there are no other objects they love enough to treasure. They have but two ‘safes ’—one for their meat, the other for their money. If 1 had to draw the deau idéal of an Englishman, | would represent him with a Meat-safe on one hand, and RATIONAL EXCISE. Wuar would be a good substitute for Taxes on Knowledge ? Taxes on Ignorance; because, in the present state of popular education, they would certainly be much more productive. Frencu Provers.—Heaven sent us Woman; and the Devil Stays. | GOVERNMENT'S HONOURED GUEST; OR, WELCOME LITTLE STRANGER. A LESSON FOR YOUTH. | Who is Rosas? ; Don’t laugh at this question, small children. as at yt Times. In that paper you will see that when GeweRrat Rosas landed last Tuesday week at Devonport, he was received by the Commodore Superintendent, Sir Micuart Seymour. And it goes on to say: “Shortly after landing, the General took up his qnuartereat Moorshead’s Royal Hotel, Fore Street, Devonport, where he was visited by the Port Admiral, SmJoux Ommanney, and other heads of departments.” You know that Sir Jouw Ommaney is not famous fordooking sharp, or attending even to a matter of consequence with great alacrity. Then the 7imes adds : “ Sre Jomw Rovt, the Commander of ‘the Forces in the Western District, was pre- vented by sickness from calling at the-hotel.” You must not suggest, precocious juveniles; that Sin Jomm Rott did well in not calling on Rosas, beeause he certaimly would have got more sick if he had called. For, observe, we further:read, that “In consequence of a Treasury order, every’respect waspaid by the officers of the facility was given for the | Conflict to the noble visitor, and at the Custom-house évery ready clearance of his baggage.” No doubt a foreign visitor, whom the Commedore Superintendent | receives in person, and the Port Admiral goes and calls: om as soon as | he arrives; whom the Commander of the District Forees is only pre- vented from showing the same attention by illness; and to whom the officers of one of Her MaJsesry’s ships are or by the Treasury to pay every respect, is one whom Government delights to honour. Of course he must be a great and geed man; some noble champion of liberty, wise, humane ruler, or other sort of benefactor to his fellow. creatures: and we are altogether mistaken, ingenuous youth, in the Opinion we had coneeived about him. | Otherwise, young people, we may certainly say that, whenever a cargo for the Zoological Gardens arrives at Devonport, Commodore | Superintendent, Port Admiral, Commander of District Forces, and | Government, will, if there should be a hysena in the collection, and | they are not as attentive to him as they have been to the ex-Dictator of Buenos Ayres, have been guilty of gross partiality to Rosas, and will do great injustice to the hyena, Philosophy of “ Marriage in High Life.” _ We have often wondered why it is that in celebrating a “ Marriage in High Life,” the clergyman, usually a bishop, is in general, as the Morning Post says, “assisted” by the Rev. Mr. So-anp-so: why the parson requires another parson to help him to perform so very easy a task as that of reading the Marriage Service. At last it has oecurred to us that the reason may be, that, as marriages among the “ superior classes” are for the most part merely political or pecuniary arrange- ments, the antipathy of the parties to each other is so strong that it takes two parsons, with extraordinary power, to unite them. Military Science. ExPERIMENTS have been going on at Woolwich Marshes with a new | modification of the Minié rifle. The weapon itself will hit any object | within sight; a’celebrated advertising ian has invented a small | telescope, which, mounted over the -end of the ~~ the distance whereat the marksman can see, to a dozen miles. The design of the experiments has been to satisfy several veteran officers of rank as to whether or no the range of ball would be equal to the range of vision. The point has not yet been satisfactorily decided ; and to settle it, a farther series of trials 1s considered necessary. A PARTIAL CONVERSION. PS meg oy “s came Sheriff has = = hem of Popery, by presenting his chaplain at Court, simply as ERY REVEREND D. O'Connor, Chaplam to Ma. Suenirr Swirt. Patronage of Literature. see the post of Chaneellor of the Exchequer filled ENJAMIN Drsraztt; so seldom has an Author in this country an opportunity of touching any of the public money. BREAD STUFFS, Tue stuff which Messrs. Youne and Frrznor Kexty have been talking, that no more bread is in England now than before the Repeal of the Corn Laws. Ir must be a subject of pure congratulation for the rey mind to

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—Ss So SS ee | LEARNED FLEAS, N our innocence we imagined that the fondness for fleamanship was a thing defunct. We own we viewed it a: a passion of the past—exploded long ago with Beaver hats and Hessian boots. And in our category of “ extinct 1aces” we credulously classed the genus of “Tndustrious Fleas,” and blinuly be- lieved that in this educated era no effort would be ever made to effect its resto- ration. But we were deceived. On revient tomjours—the proverb tells us—a ses premers amours, And accordingly we find that the great and enlightened Bri- tish Nation quits on a sudden the ite!-| lectual exjoyments with whvch is pro- | fessors have Polytechnically surfeited 11, and reverting gladly to its former joys, ~ seeks amusement onee again in tlic gambols of a flea! Daaty the Times assures us that the mania has revived dailpare we plagued with posters to the | same effect: and although we cannet| applaud the national taste, we are bound as current chroniclers to notice it. From such slight “signs of the times” may the future) MacaunLay deduce we know net how interesting am inference. The observant reader of advertisements will doubtless have remarked, N49 } that fleas are not merely made Jndus- trious now, but absolutely Learmed. For this we presume we are indebted to the March of Inteilect; and it is indeed a gratifying proof of the rapid progress it is making with the Brute Creation. Our pigs have long since owned its sway ; and now, it seems, our very fleas acknowledge it. What marvels, reader, may we not predict from these seven- league-booted strides ? At one of the Shows—“ Exhibitions,” we mean, of “these interesting little creatures ” (see advertisement), we are informed that “fleas in full costume” will daily astonish the Universe by “dancing the Polka.” ‘To the curious . “a in such matters this is really a tempting y 4 announcement. A flea in full dress would be quite a novelty to us. Our only acquaintance has been with fleas au naturel: and we doubt if even Srrurt could enlighten us on the sub- ject of their “ full costume.” Another advertisement invites us to a select re-union of “ fleas of all nations giving their mechanical entertainments.” We confess that this slightly puzzles us. We have rather a misty notion as to what their “mechanical entertainments” can sunilie be. More- over, we think the substantive a decidedly illchosen one. We) f certainly never found a flea “entertaining” in any sense, and we question if even those at this second Omui-national | this quite so? PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 191 has recently been taken in that country: so considerable an emigration would somewhat have affected it. There are no “ mechanical entertain- ments,” or “polkas in full costume,” to allure us here; but there is a rapid act of fleamanship (as wessuppose) announced, under the rather | taking title of “ NapoLeon om the Russian Flea, Hercunes.” Com- _ 18 Surely needless here. Only imagine, reader, a HERCULES Ol a hea. :: HABITS OF THE NICB YOUNG MAN. ATTENDS evening parties—and hands the muflins round. Smuales if be burns his fingers with the kettle. Plays the flute. Sings “ Do you love me now-as then?” — his haar — middle. Takes an umbrella with him to an evening ’ Wears goloshes after dusk. md Has a seeret passion fer gruel. W rites acrosties, and contributes to Ladies’ Albums. Curls bis whiskers. “ Is — Hon. Sec.” to the “ Ladies” Benevolent Mangle Distribution Society. Keeps eat, and a reguiar account of his daily expenses. [is greatest pleasure is to attend a meeting at Exeter Hall, and his next greatest pleasure is to have his name mentioned “amongst those whom we observed on the platform,” &c., dc. His fondest tie, next to an aged neekctoth. Can hum the Overture to Der Freisehuts. Carnes a acidulated drops, about with him, and is never umprovided with a seent-bottie, for fear of accidents. Goes out in the rasn to fetch a cab. Doesn't smoke. Helps Mamma’s shawl on with the grace of one of Hotmes’ shopmen. Has his hair and handkerchief full of scents, and it is a pity the same cannot be said of his head. Holds a skein of silk with exemplary patience—turns over the leaves of music with great digital skill—reads novels in a clear secretary-like voice—laughs affetuoso —\isps moderato—jokes with the old maids allegro—quotes poetry penservso—runs ladies’ errands prestissimo—and makes himself generalto usefulo. Such are the Habits of the Nice Youne Man. , is that of his white A Treat for Electors. A piscussion took place the other evening in the House of | s, on the subject of treating at elections, which by some honourable Members was regarded as a species of corruption. But is A medical man may be the candidate for a seat in | Parliament. Would he be guilty of treating if he attended a voter for the influenza? We hope Mn. Wak.ey may again stand for Finsbury. Will the hon. gentleman be accused of having treated one of his constituents if he shail have been proved to have prescribed a free and | independent elector a black dose ? COURT CIRCULAR OF ANCIENT BRITAIN. Aw antiquary has forwarded us a specimen of a joke—which, coming rom such a source, may perhaps be a relic of the olden time—to the | effect that the first Court Circular was Anruun’s Round Table. Silence in the Gallery. Exhibition would prove ex- ceptions to the rule. Nor does our experience incline usto comply with the request | preferred in the next aun) tisement, which begs us, | somewhat imperatively, to| “ Be sure and ask for the | Russian fleas.” we should ever dream of “asking | for.” We are not unnaturally nervous, but we must say, we trust that sufficient utions are taken Hi the respective managers of these establishments to prevent the possibility of their performers ever getting surreptitiously “out on the loose.’ This Russian /rompe, for instanee, w be a most formidable one to encounter; for it is ex y said to number no Jess than 200 able-bodied actors, strong! e are not aware if a census of these “ interesting little creatures ” From that most authentic of sources, “ Our own Correspondent,” we learn, that a favoured half-dozen or so of “ the million” are most graciously allowed admission into the French Assembly during the Debates. There is but one small qualification necessary to entitle an applicant to this gigantic privilege; and that, we believe, is a medical certificate from the Deaf and Dumb Asylum. NOVEL IMPORTATION. Fortiow sheep, oxen, and pigs, have for some time been included among our imports. In addition to cattle from various countries, we have, now that Rosas has arrived, had a butcher also imported. FARMERS’ PASCIES. AricuLTuRaL gentlemen sometimes make the mistake of calling manures marceuvres. This may arise from a confusion of ideas, as is further probable from the fact that the same gentlemen are also inclined to trust rather to Protectionist legislation than to guano. Ory or tue Apventisine Taiton.—“ The Battle of the Paletdts is to be fought in the Kegistration Court.”

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Sea CMa shite OOS sai oa 192 PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. é c oe yo oT . Ne | f hh | vay. WIM: ill \ A) it cf. eee | . fe : vai SET lh BOR Ty Sul » —& =P ne | Calman (condescendingly). “ Hamrsteap! a Datve tw tHe Fresu Hair mysez.r, wed 46. .\ \) || ys will ‘) | ——— Ay 4 ' T \ POINTER! IVORY SOY Y) oe (oe) Lzer’s see—THe Fare’s azpout Nine Bos, aS NEAR AS MAY BE; BUT AS I WANT SUPPOSE WE sAY THREE ’Anr Crowns.” CONCESSION IN KENSINGTON GARDENS. Tue beautiful walk on the south side of Kensington Gardens, leading from the Barracks to Hyde Park, has been widened for the accommoda- tion of the public by an extremely clever expedient. Whether the present or the late Commissioners of Public Works are to be thanked for this, we do not know; we wish we did, being always anxious to give credit where it is due. The path in question lies between two shrub and flower beds ; and was formerly separated from them on either side by a strip of pretty, fresh, green turf. Then, also, it was smoothly rolled, | but lately, requiring renovation, it has been relaid with a sort of débris of broken shells al shingle, forming a surface of sharp cutting edges and angles, which defy, or would destroy, the soles of any boots not strongly hobnailed. This judicious alteration has of course rendered the path itself ineligible as a promenade for the ladies, nursemaids, and children, who used to frequent it as such, and indeed impracticable for anybody whatever but Kp = 1 Andon shod expressly for hopping clods. The consequence is, that the people have taken to walk on the turf- borders, which they have now entirely worn bare and trodden into uniformity with the footway, thus adding full two feet to the breadth | CLERGY-MARKET AND ECCLESIASTICAL INTELLIGENCE. BisHors were quoted in the House of Commons on Thursday eveni last by the Marquis or Bianprorp at a tolerable figure. “ With regard to endowments, what he proposed was, to alter the provisions of | the Act of 1840, so that no Bishop of an old see should have less than | 4000. a-year, instead of 4200/. a-year.” This proposed reduction in | the price of Bishops will not be more than proportionate to the general | | diminution in the cost of commodities ; indeed, should it take place, it is by no means certain that the Right Reverend Bench will not still be considered to present rather an exception to the general rule of cheap- ness. A descent toa minimum of 4000/. a-year cannot be regarded as any very tremendous fall in prelates. Should the BLawprorp tariff be adopted, the superior sorts of Bishop will still command considerable sums. “He further proposed that the income of the future ARCH- BisHor of CanTeRBURY shall be reduced to 10,000/.; of the future Axncusisuor or York, to 8000/. ; of the Bisuor or Lonpon, to 6000/. ; and of the Bishors or Wivcuester and Durnawm, to 5000/.” It is hence obvious that the tendency of Bishops is still to create a high rate of interest, and though there may be some prospect of their conversion, | of the latter, if not perhaps proportionally improving its appearance. WAGNER ON ENGLAND. Wacwer seems to be something more than a wag, if we may judge | by the little expression he permitted himself to let drop with reference | to England in a letter to one of his countrymen. “ England is worth | nothing except for her money,” says the German Ex-actor, for it seems | he was once upon the stage, and therefore the term Ex-actor may be in | one, if not in two, senses applied to him. We suspect that our friend | Hil Wace will experience a realisation of his ideas as to the value of money in England, by the quantity of coin he will be compelled to part | with in consequence of the sundry little matters Re Wacyer that have been going on in the Court of Chancery for the last week or two. There is something beautifully retributive in the justice which seems to have so ordered matters that he who “came to grasp” will be obliged to “stop to pay” in the land which he only values for its money. Pére Wacwer will find that if England is the country for making money, it is also the country in which to spend it, ard his | introduction to our Court of Chancery will show him that while we were prepared to pay rather exorbitantly for his daughter’s voice, he, the Pere, will have to pay pretty dearly for his own whistle. it is not likely that the change will be of so violent a character as to justify any very serious alarm on the part of the Church. A VERi OPEN QUESTION. Tue papers have lately been sprinkled with little notes from anony- mous little people, ee chat little shocks of earthquakes have been experienced in certain little villages. Among others we have been | edified by the account of the waving of the earth about the Mendip ills, which was distinctly noticed by an astounded ener, who, for a few moments, was rendered doubtful as to which of his extremities he stood upon. The gardener’s state of mystification is shared by his | master, who, having detected a crack in his whitewashed ceiling, | declares the evidence of an earthquake to be irresistible. For our | own parts, until we have proof that the earthquake has swallowed some- thing—even a stray cow, an errant donkey, or an unlucky dog—we must be excused for declining to swallow the earthquake. “ Fast Cotours.”—Green coat with yellow buttons, {blue handker- | chief, crimson waistcoat, shirt with pink ballet-girls, plaid trousers, and white hat with a black band. —

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ak — rs aU A THE *“‘CALCULATING” BOY GETS THE PRIZE FOR ARITHMETIC. Mar 8, 1852.

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVAR I. : ee DOUBLE KNOCK A ROYAL CORRESPONDENCE. : d| «te; : ARK! there it is, that faint soun | It is all very well, Mr. Punch,” writes a Liberal, who dates from —] heard it once before: | the “Congenial C “to piteh into the poor Kine or Danomey ; but I’m positive that some one | I have just returned the other side of the Alps, and, | confess, I is knocking at the door; | have seen kings there who have nothing better than the said African When first it came, it dowbt-| monarch about them—except their dinners. Are you aware that they less by noisy cabs was| Carry on the Slave4trade just as much in the Bay of Naples as in the drown'd ; | Bight of Benin? At ail events, al po make slaves of for the If knockers were to whisper, | purpéses of gain, isn’t it just as as selling them outright ? ” like that would be the| Ouremthusiastic young friend proeseds with his deciamation, and sound. wants to palm off upon us the following letter from Kive Bomwna as a | genuime one—addressed to the Queen ov ExGuanp, under the hope And yet the knock is dowble; | that Tory Government will help him im the cause of despotism. We deny it those who can, are not acquainted with Bomsa’s hand—nor do we wish to be better That he who gave it must be | sequaimted with that paternal fist—but the epistie in question is, asortofgentieman, — perhaps, not unworthy of his beart and head, if not thoroughly genuine. Although it was so timid,| that I can answer for ’t, The gentleman who gave it was only of a sort. THE POOR MAN’S “Kove Bomsa 1 Tue Great Queew or Great Brirary AND IREr AND, “Kore Boma very much want make friend with English Govern. ment. Him alwaysdmdanger from him people. They make plenty row, and he no always able keep them quiet. Bomza much want plenty cowries. “Long time Bomsa’s ancestor get made King Naples. Many time hold tent alinty fighting. Now-a-days, everywhere missionary come—call him liberal—he say not alway killee de people now! People no ought to be slave. People ought be well fed—be made readee and writee. What 4 want know? What for people mo slave ’ eRe serenity nade: cad ch; When Gidie-Sitend =: require y r and s , go make the disturbanee, Boma ’bliged makeedewar and kill ’em. Then, how keep up prison, spose no have pat Prison not cost very much—paek him prisoner close—but must have some cowries.” We scareely know whether this touching appeal may hope for success, supposing—for we have hinted our suspicions—that it isn’t a hoax, But, after all, it isn’t such a very improbable document. A white tyrant only differs from a black one in colour; the difference is merely superficial. To be sure, the black one eats his subjects, as well as kills them; but this fact, while it proves he has an equally bad heart, only proves that he has a better digestion than his royal contemporary. How fearless is the pecans the very stoutest heart, | At hearing his twin thunders, is ever forced to start. How fearless is the cabman, who stops the rapid wheel, And makes your dwelling tremble with long-protrae- ted peal! How fearless the mechanic, who comes to mend your lock ! Although his knock is single, there ’s vigour in that knock : It smacks of independenee, it speaks of rugged pride ; You fee! that he will enter with firm and manly stride. - Zp ‘oe . & “Mlosconannd, bl ‘ The pot-boy, too, knocks boldly, as, of his calling proud, With voice unused to falter, he cries for pots aloud : His very manner shows us he comes to claim a right, When bawling for the pots which he left the overnight. But, oh! that knock so lowly—what mortal can it be ? A man with a petition, or German refugee ;_ Some friend of early childhood, who went with me to school, | THE BOOKSELLERS DEFYING COMPETITION. SHovutp the principle of unlimited competition be adopted by the booksellers, there is no doubt that considerable briskness will be im- parted to their business. A great extension of their shop-fronts will ensue, and across the spacious window-panes of the enterprising | bibliopoles will be pasted huge placards announcing ten, twenty, or forty millions of worth of literary property to be disposed of at |a quarter price. “ All these Macaviays at 6¢.!” will be inscribed on one label: on another we shall see, “Best Waverley Novels only 104d.!!” with an enormous 10d, and avery small4. In the windows of such establishments as Messrs. Riviseron’s, the Fathers | and the Bis will be ticketed, like berthes and visiles ; and we shall the announcement of “‘ Tremendous Fall in Oxford Great Reduction in Hookers.” And now has turn’d out badly—has proved a knave or fool . How dully through the passage the sound appears to sneak !— Genteel, although so humble ;—though double, yet so weak : The pomp of better days, which ’t were wiser to forget, The dark and abject present, within that sound have met. The undertaker’s hammer can smite the very soul ; The bells for those we bury, oppress us with their toll; Bat of all dismal! noises which human feelings shock, The dismallest is, surely, the Poor Man’s Double Knock. | | be attracted Tracts,” or “ Spanish Accounts. A Spayisu paper, named the a, which does not explain ite | ambiguous language, states that M. Foutp, who has been residing for| some time in Madrid, had made advantageous propositions to the Government relative to the floating debt. It is to eared that there are but two ways of dealing with a floating debt likely to be adopted by the Spanish Government. One would be to dissipate or dissolve the debt m the floating medium: the other, which probably would be preferred, would be that of adding to the floating debt and increasing its weight—with a view to sink it. TRUE PROTECTIONIST FIGURES. Tue most valuable Protectionist figures are those that are stationed in corn-fields to frighten the birds away, as they at least consist of genuine rags and real straw, and do actually serve the purpose of | protection to agriculture. Toe Swattow or tHe Baritisa Pustic—An eminent M.D. describes the foolish attraction which the English multitude have for taking Quack Pills, as “the take-pillary attraction.” | “You'll meet Me, Won't You?” This “extraordinary and lovely ballad” [see Advertisement) is de- seribed with such refreshing naiveté by our mythical contemporary, the Musical Review, that we really feel compelled to notice it. On its own apocryphal judgment, this fabulous authority states that “a pretty conceit lurks in every stanza: the melody is ravishing.” Now, really, we think this is one of the most appropriately-worded hits of criticism we ever read in our life; for, truly, the gentleman who could, even lyrically, address a lady with such audacious assurance, must indeed be “ pretty conceit-ed.” QUESTION FOR MEDICAL STUDENTS. WHETHER amongst the paths of medical science, which lead more or less to the College, should be included the Hydro-path, the Allo-path, and the Homeeo-path ? Chemical. Wuat is called by Chemists an Hraporating Dish is the pi i diss whieh pou tabs down with you te Byuem, and which, ton wo a A Swesrisc Reronwer.—The new Lornp Cuaxcetsor is setting| you place it on the ground, evaporates immediately; more especially if away the abuses of Chancery, that | 80 vigorously to work to s a new Brovcuam” (broom). | the lawyers declare he is quite it I . here are any gipsies, or Ethiopian Serenaders, about your

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1°6 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. | THE POETICAL COOKERY-BOOK. —~— | LOBSTER SALAD. | Atn—Dlwe Bonnets over the Border.” } Taxe, take, Lobsters and lettuces ; Mind that they send you the fish that you order : Take, take, a decent-sized salad bow), One that’s sufficiently deep in tlie border. Cut into many a slice All of the fish that’s nice, Place in the bow! with due neatness and order ; Then hard-boil’d eggs you may Add in a neat arra All round the bowl, just by way of a border. Take from the cellar of salt a proportion; _ Take from the castors both pepper and oil, With vinegar, too—but a moderate portion— Too much of acid your salad will spoil. Mix them together ; You need not mind whether You blend them exactly in apple-pie order ; Bat when you’ve stirr’d away, Mix up the whole you may— All but the eggs, which are used as a border. Take, take, plenty of seasoning ; ‘ A teaspoon of parsley that ’s chopp’d in small pieces : Though, though, the point will bear reasoning, | A small taste of onion the flavour increases. As the sauce curdle may, Should it ; the process stay, Patton do it again in due order : or, if you chance to spoil Vinegar, eggs, and oil, Still to proceed would on lunacy border. - en ae ae ; re ema 2 o3-55555=) = =>- Pius Hard Up. A CorresponpEnt of the Zimes writing from Rome, VER ERA says that the Jews will not lend the Porz any money. ; : Y CONSID TE. The Tablet, perhaps, will compare the British publie to the Affable Little Gentleman, “ Dear, On Dear! How 17 Rains! 1’m arrarp you'Lt | Jews, because it refuses to give his Holiness{any credit. . Get very Wet—Can I orrer you a Great Coat, on ANYTHING ?” Certainly we should not like to discount the Papal paper. ) POLITICAL CAPITAL. FALLEN GREATNESS. ; _ Twere are different varieties of “ Political Capital,” some of which is| Cotonzi SrstHorr declared, somewhat omg: and very : in but little demand, and the remainder in no demand whatever. emphatically, the other night, in the House of Commons, that he had The Political Capital of the Protectionist is at present very small ; | never been inside the Crystal Palace. We think we can go further, and but he is endeavouring to increase it by trying whether he cannot get | say, that, as none of the windows ap to have been mischievously a penny or two extra out of every quartern loaf. It is very doubtful, | broken, the probability is that the gallant Colonel has not only never however, whether the country will allow him to raise his Political | been inside the building, but that he has never been even within a Capital in this way, as it would have to pay rather too dearly for the | stone’s throw of it. In avoiding any approximation to the Crystal 2 increase. Palace, we think the Honourable Member has shown his discretion ; : The Political Capital of the Whig seems generally to be the Political | for, had he looked on the hated glass, and a pebble fallen in his way, Ai Capital of others. He trades with this, borrowing a little from one | he might have been tempted to carry his animosity to a most unwar- } party, and a little from another, until he purchases his way gradually | rantable pitch. ; into power ; but once in power, the country soon discovers the poverty | Had the fate of S : ; of his resources, and is glad to get rid of him at any price. the building | j The Political Capital of the Young Englander seems to be very little | trembled in the os BE more than a White Waistcoat; and, as all Political Capitalists will| balance of an | a ie shortly have to face the country, we suppose the Young Englander puts | equally divided | +) he on his White Waistcoat to enable him to make a clean breast as to the | house, therecan Fo : investment of his Capital. be little doubt ; 4 : _ The Political Capital of the Free-Trader is simply a Cheap Loaf. If a/that Coroner Government is raised by means of such Capital, we think that every|SrstHorr, in poor man will be too happy to subscribe to it. his anxiety to In our humble opinion, the latter is the only Political Capital for | have a “shy” at which there is likely to be any demand at the forthcoming election. | it, would have All classes, we prophecy, will be anxious to take a share in it, as it is| been ready to . a source of investment in which the principal not only is safe, but the | knock it down abe: interest morally certain. | withthe casting gecesi erent pg edited Pe Cer A A BT iaeranapemnalt te | WHICH 18 ABOUT ALL THAT CAN BE SAID IN REPLY TO THE | vote. HowouraRLe Meare. 4 : Eee ae - be be N¢ 7 —_—_—_—_—_—=—==—=—=—=—_—_—_—_—_—— —— | Cruel to a Hair. aan “bt _Lovis Napo.eon has issued a decree commanding all professors of | Military Question. i ; a Universities, Colleges, Lyceums, and other places of instruction, to cut| “A Gewrteman in the War-Office presents his compliments to pig off their beards and moustaches, lest ther be confounded with | Mr. Pusch, and would be glad to know in what Treatise upon the ‘ 7 * Comagngans and agitators of society.” Considering how he has | subject of Calibre, there is any mention made of the Great Severn Bore ; ; bear he French people, he may well shave their teachers. that the newspapers have been lately talking about.” ee t ‘ ] : ( I

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI THEORY OF THE SEA-SERPENT. TTESTATIONS of the sea-serpent’s existence by persons who declare that they have seen that Gib monster, are so frequent that they give us a very humilleting idea of the charaeter of our species for veracity; for, i honest tars, as seamen are called, can relate such fictions, what sort of regard for truth can be expected of terres- trial individuals? what are we to be considered, in short, for the most part, but a set of lying land-lubbers? There is, however, good reason to hope that sailors are not, in general, wilfully . imposing upon us in these narratives. Real objects often assume a strange appearance at ; sea. The Times, in a leading article the other day, alluded to the famous case of the Vulcan : “ Which was bringing home despatches from the Cape, but overstayed her time two months, or some trifle of that sort, which was taken in tow by another Government steamer, which was taken in tow by a third, as her engines, too, had broken down.” A fleet of broken-down Government steamers with their masts and chimneys gone, all in tow, might, in a haze, be easily mistaken for an enormous reptile: and thus we can understand how mariners may very often imagine that they have seen the sea-serpent. FAMINE AMONG THE FARMERS, Tue Agricultural Interest was, a short time ago, sad to be in a desperate state, but there is everyreason to believe it is worse off now. When the farmers were represented as bemg in the direst distress, we still were occasionally com- forted by hearing that they had dined. We know that, if not every day, at least once a van or 80, they enjoyed, here and there, a moderate and frugal repast of turtle and Jullienne soup, turbot and lobster sauce, salmon—which was perhaps even grillé en papillotes—haunch of venison, Dartmoor mutton, or common roast sirloin, and the other coarser varieties of butchers’ meat; poultry, accom- panied, it might by the simple condiment of Béchamel sauce ; a few entrées, such as célelettes de ton a la Soubise ; with the slight addition of fricasseed lobsters, stewed mushrooms, oyster patties, curries, noiz de veau a l oseille ; and a few other pretty, but plain, little tiny kickshaws ; as partridges, snipes, pigeons a la Macédowe, \everets, wild-ducks, cabinet, plum, souffi¢, and iced pudding, Char- lotte Russe, blancmange, tipsy cake, jellies, creams, Bavaraise en gélée, and such- like homely belly-timber—none of your foreigneering delicacies—succeeded by a| dessert of sound wholesome pine-apples, melons, grapes, peaches, and apricots, mixed | with almond cakes and iced creams; solid substantial fare, washed down with good hearty draughts of sensible sterling Champagne, Moselle, Sherry, Madeira, Port, Claret, Burgundy, with no further luxury than nappy ale. This was pretty fair living. It was somewhat aseetic: still it allayed the cravings of hunger, and, perhaps, con- tributed in some measure to nutrition. Sach a moderate collation, whilst the Whigs were in power, the poor farmers did occasiona!ly contrive to enjoy in the refectory of some monastic hotel; but now their own friends, the Protectioniste, have succeeded to office, we never hear of their dining at all, and have no reason to suppose that they take any food whatever, beyond the meagre domestic allowance of five meals aday. May their shadows never be less; but under a/ Protectionist Govermment, it does not seem likely that their backs will get very much broader. Court (and Alley) Circular. THeRe was, on Saturday last, an Investiture of the most Honourable Order of DON’T SING, JOHANNAH., Suggested by the popular Negro Melody, “Don't cry, Susannah.” I’m cheated, in a manner, With a contract on my knee ; Bat they ’re trying to trepan her, As the public, sure, must see. In black and white it was all right— This treatment ’s not the thing ; To terms with me you did agree, Jonanwan! won’t you sing ? Ob, Jonannan! won’t you sing for me ? I’m going to Sin James Parker upon my bended knee. I jamp’d on board a steamer, And floated down de ribber, And fifty pounds a night (too much !) I did agree to gib her. She wanted more—she ran to Gre; ’T was not at all the thing; I scareely could believe my eye : JoOHANNAH, won’t you sing? the Warm th, at which one Knight—Grand Crossing-Sweeper—was in attendance. He was without his collar. The officers present were Scrubbing. | Brush-at-Arms—and Legs—with Soft-Soap in waiting. Cabman in ordinary was| also in attendance, wearing the leather and badge of his order. Knight Grand | Crossing-Sweeper was introduced to the Bath by an officer of Engineers; and the mel the day was subjected to a species of Hero Wash-up, equally novel and salubrious. Puxcn’s Prerace.—To the Editor of Notes and Queries. Was the title of Lozp Feversuam' conferred originally for professional merit on a physician ? Ob, Jonawnan! won’t you sing for me ? I’m going to Siz James Parker upon my bended knee, I had a dream de oder night, When every thing was still ; I thought that Covent Garden Jouannau did not fill. ‘like her voice ; = public — © money she bring ; ap y dear, go home again : onaNwan! don’t you sing!” Oh, Jomannan! don’t you sing for me! I shali be glad to terminate the contract on my knee. Now, when I go abroad again, I mean to look around, And see if more JonaNywans Are nowhere to be found. For, useless they who overboard ill an engagement fling ; For when she was relied upon, Jonanyan would not sing. Oh, Jowannan! don’t you sing for me!' 1’ll find a prima donna who will \ess fickle be. A WORTHY INSTANCE. Iw speaking of the recent judgment by which the Court of First Instance in the department of the Seine has declared itself “competent” to deal with the Orleans Confiscation, the Zimes rightly remarks that— “ This is the first public act of any body of men in Franee since the 2nd of December, to remind the world that law has not altogether lost its foree in that country, and that, however absolute political power may have become, there is still a bar to defend public rights, and judicial authority to define and enforce public obligations.” The Tribunal in question is therefore fitly named. Its title will be henceforth pregnant with a deep historical significance, mutely omg us of this great present act—this memorable “First Instance” of Right resisting semeeet Might, and of Justice contravening firmly the ute Imperial will. name is significant, too, in yet another light, and we wonder that the Government advisers were apparen so blind to it. A glance would have shown them that the line of argument they used was anomalous and absurd. For how, in reason, could it be contended that the judges legally were bound to declare themselves “incom tent,” w the question stood referred expressly to a Tribunal of the Sane 7 The Present State of Parties. Tus present Parliament, after all, is not so aristocratic as it has been generally esented to be. It may be divided into two parties—the High Bred Party and the Low Bred Party. ‘ The Hicn Bren Party is the Protectionist Party, which goes in for dear Bread, at Protectionist prices. The Low Bren Party is the Free Trade Party, which goes in for cheap Bread at Free Trade prices.

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. PERFORMANCE OF OUR FRIEND SIBBY, IN THE LOBBY OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS, AFTER THE DECISION TO PULL DOWN THE CRYSTAL PALACE. “SUCH A GETTING UP-STAIRS.” It used to be thought that the Court of Chancery was a fatally easy | place to find one’s way into, but a dreadfully difficult one to find one’s way out of. Let us hope that in losing the former characteristic, it has lost the latter also. Tee new. as we learn from the Law reports in the daily , the Vice-Chancellors have been established in such inac- cessible quarters in the new Palace at Westminster, that judges, | counsel, solicitors, and suitors have the most serious difficulty im | getting into them at all. One of the judges has lately been “taking a | rule to compute ” the number of steps up to his Court, and pronounces them to be eighty, and a witness, of eighty-four, being wanted for some | purpose or other, his counsel had to pray that a commission might | issue to examine him down-stairs, he being totally incapable of getting | up the legal ladder to the cockloft in which poor THemis has been | pushed by Mz. Barry. As tothe wretched juniors, their legal lives are become a perpetual “motion of course,” and the mere finding the Courts is become so difficult as almost to require a bill of discovery. Now we have no objection that, as Chancery is, the accesses to its Courts should be made as uninviting as possible; but when our system of Equity is reformed, we should recommend that her seats should be transferred to the ground floor, unless Mr. Baray’s ingenuity can manage an ascending room like that which used to raise Colosseum- visitors to the Panorama of London. We believe that this “ Winding-up Act” would be a great relief both | to Court and suitors. Only, instead of the sum of sixpence, which used to be paid for that easy ascent, we should propose a reduction of the charge to twopence,and that a Crier of the Court should be stationed at the door, to announce to clients— “Two-pence more, and Up Goes the Donkey.” | | MACADAMIZATION IN A CHURCHYARD. Tue North British Daily Mail contains the paragraph following :— | “A gravestone in Middlesborough churchyard was broken and defaced last week, by | order of the ‘ pastor,’ the Kev. Mn. Peet, because the full amount agreed fo be given to | him for allowing it to be placed there, had not been paid.” | SHAKSPEARE says that there are sermons in stones. From a frag-| ment of the vestone described to have been broken as above, | perhaps it would be possible to extract an edifying homily on avarice. | It is rather scandalous that “ pastors” should derive a part of their | | living from fees for the erection of memorials in churchyards. This| reduces the “ pastor” or “shepherd” to a level with the sheep that | | are sometimes turned into those consecrated precincts, and fatten | themselves by grazing over the dead. | A Thing Difficult to Imagine. | Iw one of the late astronomical accounts, the writer, warming with | | his subject, says, “there is at present visibie on the sun’s dise a fine | group of spots.” We hope we are not destitute of imagination, but, for | the life of us, we cannot imagine “ a fine group of spots.” The astronomer | im question must have looked at the sun with the eye of a Macassar. his majority (on the Militia Bill), a goose was roasted whole at the official residence of the noble Earl, in Downing Street. ~The goose, which was a green one, of course, was — notwith- standing political differences, by the noble leader Gewtie Hust ro Prorgctionists.—The most unpleasant kind of Pincha THE PEOPLE AND THEIR PALACE. IMPROVISED BY A FINE GENTLEMAN. On dem that absawd Cwystal Palace! alas, What a pity they took off the duty on glass ! It’s having been evaw ewected, in fact, Was en-ti-a-ly owing to that foolish act. Wha-evaw they put it a cwowd it will dwaw, And that is the weason | think it a baw; : I have no gweat dislike to the building, as satch’; The People is what | object to sa match. The People !—I weally am sick of the wawd : The People is ugly, unpleasant, absawd ; Wha-evaw they go, it is always the case, ’ They are shaw to destwoy all the chawm of the place. Their voices are loud, and their laughter is hawse ; Their featyaws are fabsy, iwegulaw, cawse ; How seldom it is that their faces disclose, What one can call, pwopally speaking, a nose ! They have duli heavy looks, which appeaw to expwess Disagweeable stwuggles with common distwess ; The People can’t dwess, doesn’t know how to walk, And would uttaly wuin a spot like the Pawk. That I hate the People is maw than I’Il say; I only would have them kept out of my hay Let them stay at the pothouse, wejoice in the pipe, And wegale upon beeaw, bak twipe. We must have the People—of that tha’s no doubt— In shawt they could not be, pahaps, done without. If ’twa not faw the People we could not have Boots. Tha’s no doubt that they exawcise pasuits. They are all vewy well in their own pwopa spheeaw, A long distance off; but I don’t like them neeaw ; The slams is the place faw a popula show ; Don’t encouwage the People to spoil Wotten Wow. It is odd that the Duke or AwGytt could pasue So eccentwic a cawse, and Lap SHarresBuwy too, As to twy and pwesawve the Glass House on its site, Faw no weason on awth but the People’s delight. Festivities in Downing Street. On Tuesday, last week, to celebrate the Eart or Densy’s attaining the Opposition. is—Pinching the Belly. Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, and Prederick Mullett B Office in Lombard Street, in the Preeinct of Whitetriars, in the City of London, and Published by them at No. 6 in the County of Middlewss, Pisses "™ of Ne. Stoke Newington, ed Fe SR icaren ee

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| OBTAINING MONEY ON ELECTRO-BIOLOGICAL | PRETENCES. ERTAIN philosophers are going about the town and country, performing experiments in what they call “* Electro-Biology,” on persons who are, in the language of their announcements, “in a perfectly wakeful state.” The experiments consist in causing the subjects of them to imagine various things, and to mistake th:ese fancies for realities. Of a truth, the Profes- sors of Electro-Bio- logy ¢an, it would appear, make some persons, who are not asleep, though at the same time they are hardly wide awake, the victims of the most extraordinary delusions. In the Times, a few days since, appeared anad- vertisement, headed “ Evecrno - Bio- Loey,” informing the public that— \*: begs to announce that he will form a CLASS for INSTRUCTION 4 in this SCIENCE, at the ——-, on Wednesday, May 5, at 12 o'clock. The whole will be given in one lesson, which will be £1. 1s. Klectro-biology thue appears to be a science—or perhaps it would be more correct to say an art—by which it is possible to extract money, in some quantity, from people’s pockets. Such individuals, however, must be peculiarly constituted ; their pecuniary substance largely pre- ponderating over their cerebral development. The whole secret of Electro-biology, elsewhere charged a guinea for, shall be given in this present number of Punch for threepence, with an abundance of other information in the highest degree instructive and equally entertaining into the bargain. A lot of people have each of them a dise of zinc and copper placed in the palm of the hand, and are set to stare at it, or to stare simply at the palm of the hand, or the end of a walking-stick, or a fiddle-stick,—in short, at any fixed object. It appears that, after they have continued staring in this manner some time, a certain number of them will be found to have stared themselves out of their senses. In this state, their minds, naturally perhaps not strong, are so com- | pletely under the control of the directors of the process, that whatever | he suggests to them in a confident tone, they believe. What is strange, | and no less deplorable, is, that in a popular assembly the number of | those who are so susceptible of this delusive influence is so great. | The fact is psychologically interesting, as indicating how large is the | impressible or eullible portion of the human species; and helping us to account, philosophically, for faith in Manomet, lavine, Txom, Agapemonians, Addoloratas, Estaticas, and winking Images. ELECTION ANACREONTIC. GatueEr ye bank-notes, while ye may ; ‘Tbe happy time is flitting ; The Member canvassing to-day, To-morrow will be sitting. That glorious crib, the Rising Sun, Where patriots are glowing, Too soon its brilliant course is run, Its beer will soon stop flowing. Leisure for Reflection. } Tue present provisional position of the Protectionist Ministry being likely to continue till the next Session of Parliament, is a fortunate | — circumstance for them. It will give them time to turn round. PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL THE FARMER'S MEASURE. Tats marn to the taailor’s I goes ; And, if thee wouldst know my intent, I wanted a noo zuit o’ clothes, And zo to be mizhured | went. I says to the taailor, says I, “Now what dost thee meak me round here ? ” “ Two inches,” he says, “ pretty nigh, Above what thee miziured last year.” “My waaiscoat a wants lettun out,” I then to the tailor did zay ; Says he, “ And thy quoat, too, no doubt, And thy breeches, a precious good way ?” “ How is’t | be gettun zo fat?” Says [; “drat if | understand : Why, I ought to be lane as a rat, In these terrable times vor the land.” “ What meakes thee so fat, mun?” says he, “Tt don’t want no Moses to tell ; lt is atun and drinkun so vree, Which meakes thee to plim and to zwell : Tis vrom all that ere bacon and beef, *Long of all that strong beer and = wine; Good livun, depen’ pon’t’s the chie Occasion thy waistband won’t jine.” “T han’t, tho’,” I says, “ vilung away Much money in spilun my shape.” Says the taailor, “ Why, no, I dare zay ; or now-a-days victuals be chape. Thy clothes, too, don’t cost thee zo much, id knows, as they used to, not near.” “* Well, there I will own that the touch,” I says to ‘un, “ baint zo zevere.”” “ All this my Larnp Denny's found out,” Says the taailor, “and Dizzy likewise ; And that’s why they’re turnun about, *Cause why, it have open’d their eyes. They zees, wherezoever they goes, Less rags, and moor victuals to eat ; And that ’tis but in but’nun his clothes, That the Farmer cau’t make both ends meet,” “ Lapizs anp GentLemen, Ir vou Presse, I witt sing a Sona.” The Cry of the Protectionist. THE POFE’S RIFLE-CLUB. Taz poor Protectionist has, since Protection has been so cruelly | Tae Irish Brigade is a corps that has been organised for purposes | sband r reason fo cry now than ever; but, as he little | of anti-national defence. The weapon of this gallant band is the expected abandonment to come from the high quarter it has done, blunderbuss. he will probably be crying out for another kind of Protection, and his ree cry henceforth will be, “ Protect me from my friends,” Tue Stamp or Iniquity.—The Government Stamp on a Box of eee Quack Pills. | Anytaine put a Hit.—The Engineers’ Strike. VOL, XXII. x

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DN ROLE! ROA IEE vat be: pe : om ox ee ee ee ery bea aga een tm 200 _ PUNCH, OR TITE LONDON CHARIVARL REVIEW. MARRIAGE IN HIGH LIFE—A FASHIONABLE NOVEL. In Three Columas, folio, by Jenkins. LONG time has elapsed since the genius of Jenxkins has found such a theme for his pen as the marriage of the youngest daughter of the Duchess or SUTHERLAND. It is diffieult to throw much passion into a paragraph de- seriptive of a (he dansante, or to hang the wild flowers of poesy upon such a peg as the “Arrivals at Mivart’s Hotel:” but the marriage alluded to above has seized Jenkins by the shoulder- knot, and shaken him out of | the drowsiness into which he | had lately fallen. Any one who peruses the work now under review will rise from the treat with a thorough conviction that Jenkins has lost none of that soft, plush-like tone of sentiment, that delicate tracery of gold lace, and that cocked-hat-like seen ape of observation that have formed, as it were, the literary | attraction,” guarded only by a “necessarily obdurate verger,” ivery by which the works of the same hand may be generally recog- nised. The opening passage is artistically arranged; for, like a common-place street-door passage, it has nothing to arrest the atten- tion—nothing, in fact, for the imagination of the reader to stop at, or to tumble over. The passage is simply introductory to the outside of the Chapel Royal, which we find described as a “great point of whose | character is very beautifully, though briefly, shadowed out to us. This | of “obduracy,” | artistically redeemed from utter hatefulness. officer is touchingly represented with a human and an official side, be- tween which a struggle is kept up with such tact that, at the moment when we are expecting the man to give way, for the purpose of throwing open the Chapel doors, the verger stands before us in a state which Jenkins, by describing as “ necessary,” has With a disregard of the unities which only genius can dare to show, | we are suddenly hurried from place to place, and the Pegasus, which has just pulled up opposite the Chapel Royal, whirls us, with all the| impetuosity of a runaway cab, to the front of Stafford House. Here} we find a touch of comedy to relieve the more serious interest of the | work, for we are informed that “the period appointed «for the ceremony | was one o’clock—a fact not generally known, in ¢omsequence of which the spectators assembied at a muclrearlier hour.” !Phere is a sly, quiet humour in all this, which proves the writer to be quiteasmmuch at home | in the cap of Momus, as in the black worsted wigodf\MrLromene. | Happily, the misguided public enjoyed their own ‘diseomfiture, for, “the crowd,” says Jenkins, “bore the delay with great good temper.” Weare next introduced to some of the guests; and, in the announce- ment of the arrival of the carriages, Jenkins, of course feeling himselfatihome, proceeds, with characteristic volubility. The open- ing of the! hall-door for the admission of the “company, enables the author'to.get a better view of the inside oftthe house than he has yeteenjoyed, dependent as he must hitherto have been on a glimpse!through the area rails, or a few stray peeps, cut short continually»by the Police, through the unguatded key-hole. Turning rapidly toxascount the opportunity of getting a glimpse at the hall, JENKINS etches a sight of the pillars supporting the roof, and ina moment hetifinds the subject for a passage of rare poetic beauty, in which he:ppeaks glowingly of “ Plinths,” decorated “with masses of verdant meas, thickly starred with primroses.” There is something bold and novelunthe idea of putting stars upon moss, whieh, being a pro- duction6f the-earth, suggests the startling figure of the world turned upside down, with the stars on the ground, or the moss in the sky; an alternative which JENKINS, when - has ascertained whether he is upon his head or his heels, will, perhaps, make choice of. Our author now penetrates further than the hall; and we accompany | him to the banqueting-room, where his poetic eye darts upon an object which he has thus immortalised :— “In the centre,” says Jenxins, “rising from a settee, sprang a gigantic group of lilies, and other appropriate emblems.”” What a new | fact in botany do we thus acquire! We learn that a “lily” is an | “appropriate object” to a “settee ”—a truth we should as soon have | expected to be told, as that a crop of parsley would look natural! at home, springing out of no other bed than a feather-bed. | _ After taking us on tip-toe to the door of the picture-gallery, and inviting us to take a peep at “two circular seats of honour ””—a some-! what circuitous phrase for a pair of music-stools—Jznxins hurries the reader to the landing, where “the bride was seen i staircase, resting on the arm of ber noble father.” At this point of the proceedings, Jenkins seems to have been detected as an intruder ; for the next paragraph or chapter of his novel commences with the intimation, that “the scene outside the mansion was a curious one’—a passage graphically indicative of a sudden change in the author’s whereabouls. “ From an early hour in the morning,” he continues, “‘ many of the humbler friends of the noble family had up their stations near the porch ;”” and among these “ humbler friends,” we now seem to see JENKINS patiently clinging round the eligible stem of a friendly lamp-post. Notwithstanding the obvious reverse of cir. cumstances the writer has clearly experienced—notwithstanding’ ‘the change of position—JezNnKiNs never allows his shirt-front to be ruffledby any indignant swelling of the bosom; for he adds, that “the greatest good-humour, however, prevai ed.” Theword “i owever ” shadows forth more touchingly than any di. ect termsof complaint could convey, the fine sense of wounded dignity t.at Jenkins mentally groans under. He is no longer in the hall, or on the staircase! He is among “ the humbler friends of the noble family, near the»porch.” His post is notoby any means “r, post of honour; but “ the greatest good-humour,‘dewever, prevailed.” In this trying position he joins in the “ cheers of wel ? of the rest of the mob as the bride goes forth fromther home, and, sinking the wounded flunkey in the gamin, we find himpone of the first of the “boys” in a rush to the Chapel Royal. Here we catehanother glimpse of the stern yet tender verger—the “ necessarily: obdurate” ‘but naturally yielding—with a heart of Portland stone and putty ; a being whose humani'y might be turned witha straw, but whose sense of duty is not to be stunned by a crowbar, and who would inevitably have let in the crowd pell-mell from Pall Mall, but for the fact that “his instructions were peremptory ;” and thus by not being less than verger, he became somewhat more than man. Excluded from the Chapel, JENKINS has an opportunity of describing the dresses of some of the visitors; and he has been particularly attracted by the bonnet of a Duchess, which enables him to display his proficiency in the French language ; for he learnedly describes the article as a paille de fantaisic, instead of descending to the vulgar term of “ fancy straw.” With a grasp of mind worthy of that which dashes “25,000 bonnets” into a single window, Jenkins proceeds to play with the head-dresses of the company in a strain of luxuriant riehness that is rarely met with even “in the limits of an advertisement.” He playfully alludes | toone as “an elegant hat ;” another he touches off lightly as “a bonnet |of tulle ;” while a third he gloriously pictures as “ particularly novel, | being com i ed of white lace, embroidered with green and white grass.’ We have already seen how JENKINS ean put stars upon moss, |and otherwise change the face of nature, so that we are not unprepa' for his introduction of an article we are justified in labelling as “quite new,” in the shape of “white grass.” Whether Nature will ever adopt the idea which Jenkins has been so generous as to suggest to her, may be doubtful; but in the mean time “ white grass” seems to be a fail accompli as far as the productions of fashion are concerned. We will not follow the author back to the mansion; nor will we join with him in his conversations with the tradesmen who supplied some of the wedding presents, and whose addresses are paraded at full length—the grateful consequence of such eonversation—in the body of our author’s work; but we will hurry with him to the dénowement, in which we find him appearing in a new and somewhat startling character. No longer the “ humble friend ” of the noble family “ at the porch,”—the hanger-on of the house by its nearest lamp-post—we trace the devoted Jenkins as the “enthusiastic attendant,” who, “with a mixed feeling of kindness, humour, and superstition, rushed from behind the stalwart porter as the carriage drove off, and threw an old shoe for luck after the receding pair.” Such devotion ought not to go without its reward ; for the man who leaves himself without a shoe to his foot, has well earned the wages of a flankeyism, so unsurpassingly ridiculous as to tread almost on the heels of the sublime. POETRY IN PARLIAMENT. SreakING in favour of Mr. Cospen’s proposed amendment to the | Militia Bill, Mr. Baieut is reported to have said, “In his boyhood he remembered that the ery was for reliance upon ‘ the wooden walls of Old England,’ and poets made songs ond odes of ali kinds on the subject, such as— “* Britannia needs no bulwarks, No towers along the steep ; Her march is o'erthe mountain wave, Her home is on the deep’ ” Thy pardon, good friend Braient. With all due deference to thy ais + un sp fo judgment as touching poetry, not maay kinds of odes and songs were made at the time thou alludest to, or indeed have ever been made, such as the noble lines wherewith thou art represented to have embellish thine oration. |

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 201 + the rraad MARK LANE MOURNING FOR PROTECTION. RHYMES FOR THE TIMES. Anent the half-threatened Reversal of the Orleans Confiscation been = Mark Lane, May a. by the * competent ” Tribunal of the Seine. hovel S Pe : UNCH has received the : nsion ; following official com- Tiere was a little chap, ange munieaties >= _ _ And his name was Lirrie Nap, ” he = ,. And his heart was black as his head, head, head ; Orders for the Lane’s To a Palacerche-did come ds,” the 13th of May, for his _ And there stolean Orleans “ Plum,” ten late Absurd Highness of And deprived a noble Family of bread, bread, bread. “the Prices, Protection. Now that “ Theft” is nothing more d by The ladies to wear! _ Than the synonyme:for “ Law,” test smut-coloured silk, with A /unatic Tribunal might maiméain, tain, tain ; orth head-dress of blighted | But we firmly hope the Day fine barley. Neeklaee and | Of Retrroution may fe is ear-rings of closed but- Soon dawn beneath:the Judgment of the Sane, Sane, Sane. bler tereups and daisies. | any Fans of back numbers | oo of the Svandard and . Morning Post nel The ‘Dreama of Real Life. the lhe gentlemen towear| ora Montes is aboutito appear in a drama—written by cing coats of a JuDas-colour, an American play-writer—im which she will represent the the witheringly typical of heroine of her own privateand public life. The author, | ipse the treachery that, at | faithful to his charge, amd anxious:to make the play as | but the last, disposed of all | jiteral as possible, haa: written to various of the living | omng hopes of His Highness | charaeters, who have been upon the said scene of real life, e of of Prices, Protection. | offering them eng: ents; among others, to the worthy Fringed or plain sack-| Me Harpwick, of Marlborough Street, who adjudicated ave ‘his cloth, no swords.(chivalry being gone withi.50%s per quarter), and smalls negligently on the celebrated charge of bigamy. We: understand that Ber, umbuekled. Haie-wath powder of the {inest:coabash. Mr. Haepwick, with his known courtesy, has returned | pel, The Lane.to mourning on the-13th.of May ; viz. :— an answer, acknowledging the compliment, but desiring | change The ladies.to-come out as like-raimbows as-fameyyand millinery will permet. Fans to know— before he decides either way—if his late Majesty, and tippets.of/the Chancellor of the Exchequer's: speeches. [lead-deess of finest | the Ex-king of Bavaria, haw yet seceded to terms for a specimens of British corn. ’ | limited engagement ? The: gentlemen to wear coats of many-colouss-—(BrwsMin’s compliment to the , foreign corn-dealer JoserH)—and in every reepeet'to be-as jolly as possible. ts” And om the 20th of May the Lane to go out of mourning ; always with the under-| CarrtaL Name rors New [wx.—Thebestink for perusing ses standing, that any mourning remains to go out of. | must be undoubtedly “The Inca of all the Perws2” (Murder!) net des rn —o net rere : _ . —_—- intolerant noise, nor horrible asseverations, nor a single injurious | ~ MANNERS AND CUSTOMS OF THE FRENCH. epithet. Everything is as friendly, as quiet, as a family wedding. : sat sean Ir the Emperor or Russta with nis army of Cossacks was to “ (As Utopia-cised by Mx, Convey.) knock at five o’clock this evening at the zates of Paris, and demand as . Tey are so extremely polite that, if a revolution is going on—which | 44™Ss10n, I really believe, such is the Frenchman's horror of war, rit) is not at all improbable—it is always a great difficulty to get the troops | ‘D4 St. pe would wait upon him, and presenting his sword, to to fire. A whole regiment will ground their muskets, and, taking their |©*°'"!™—_ intrez, mom brave. so 3” shakos off to the insurgents, say with the greatest good-humour, “ Apres | As for invading Wngland, the notion is so comical to any one, who = cous, Messieurs.” knows the French as | do, that it only deserves to be laughed at. Even Should any stranger, or lady, accidentally be in the streets whilst | S¥?posing such a preposterous thing was to be seriously decrerd by the = an émeute is going on, the firing instantly ceases, a guard of honour is present Presipent—the Frenchmen, with their well-known gallantry, ed appointed to escort the stranger to his abode, and it is only on the weed am confident, insist upon a month’s notice at jeast being given | ull return of that guard of honour, that hostilities (if the civilities which |? =e egiouansn, with a on ares that they would be obligmg enough of are paid by one side to another are worthy of that name) are renewed. | ry aoe the day ——- they would like to receive the French. in If two officers quarrel, it is customary for them to breakfast together | . lolie oc the Duke or Wettixeton, I firmly believe he would be so r, beforehand, and if either is wounded, it is the opponent always who | olised, if he were to visit Franee, that he would find a great difficulty he insists upon paying the expenses. But they have so great a delicacy |‘ ever getting back to Kogland again! od in wounding each other, that the duel is sometimes protracted for hours g at a time; so that when they are too exhausted to continue any | ere ; rt longer, they will quietly stop and smoke a cigar together, and then go Editorial Intelligence. T on fighting again as if nothmg had occurred. — We see advertised a little book under the title of “ The Editor’s County |; A French Huissier does not come down suddenly upon his victim a8 | (Court Guide?” We must say this is very complimentary to the Fourth | il an English Sheriff’s Officer does, but writes to lim the previous day, | state. Does it mean that editors are so frequently in the County 0 to give him notice he is going to arrest him, and he hopes he will so | Gourt that they need the assistance of a Guide there ? or is it a timely far oblige him as to keep out of the way. , publication for the benefit of Protectionist Kditors, who, since Protee- When there is an execution in France, an audible shudder runs | ;ion has been flung to the winds, will be so distressed that they will be through the kingdom, from ove end to the other. probably making their appearances every day in the County Court? If The man who breaks an oath is universally shunned as a monster, $0, a8 it is-most cowardly to attack a fallen body, we recommend the pm the temptation offered itself, wouldn’t scruple to break a child’s | withdrawal of the-offensive epithet. aything! . ' ir oma Napo.eow was to be tried for high treason to-morrow, and | convicted, I doubt if a single Frenchman could be found to execute the PASSAGES OF RAPID EXECUTION. : sentence upon him. d se ed a MaprMoiseLte Wacwex will execute but two musical passages, we There are no butchers, properly speaking, in France. ‘The little | are afraid, in this country. Theone will be her passage from Hamburgh innocent calves are killed by chloroform; the sheep fall lifeless in a| to London—and the other, her passage back again. minute before the galvanic battery, and the oxen die comparatively LA iE ome happy, being asphyxiated at the abattoirs, by the friendly agency of The Arabs in Paris: coal, y | You never see a paper-knife in France, but it is made either of ivory| Louts Napougos invited certain of the Arab chiefs to Paris, where ‘ or wood ! | he proposed to show them how, with French hospitality, he could keep a | If a Frenchman at the Theatre wants to cough or to sneeze, he|openbouse. Atthe same time he bas evinced the determination to i | always goes outside to do it. |show to App-et-Kapex how, in despite of French honour, he can You may be in a French Café for hours, and you will never hear any | keep him.

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a ; 202 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Hig ale hint x) ital A «Al pe yy) | \| * J q WHAT THEY SAID TO THEMSELVES. Honourable Mr. Fiddle, “1 wisu tat Coycetrep Ass, Fappie, woutp co!” Captain Faddle, “ Tuat Srurip Ipiot, Fippie, seven Kyows wHen HE’s IN THE War!” Rich Widow, “1 sHatt Be Uncommonty Giap WHEN BOTH OF THESE SIMPLETONS TAKE THEIR DepaRTURE.” SWEETS FROM IRELAND. | Tue shillelah is to be displaced by the beet-root : for bruises, we are | to have sweets ; for thumps of the head, lumps of sugar! Yes; the! Irish Beet-root Sugar Company have appeared in saccharine glory in | the Dublin market, and already threaten Hindostan. Already does | the Irish Beet-root blush with victory over the pale Demerara cane ! | “The sample” —writes the Mercantile Reporter—“ is as bright as East Indian produce, with a better grain!” ‘Think of that! “ We could | not discover the least difference from the produce of the cane!” Shall | we go on? “ The rates at which the five samples sold are 35s. 6d. for the highest, and 34s. 6d. each for the other four—being from 3s. to 4s. higher than marks ot similar qualities from the Indies bring at present in the Dublia market.” | Will not Exeter Hall reverberate with the shout of triumph? No more slave-grown sugar; but sugar—brighter than that with Indian suns in its grain—sugar grown by the Celt! Thelazy West Indian negro—the contented pumpkin-consumer, hateful to gods and THomas CakLYLe—will, in his sluggard slumbers, be tor- tured with the nightmare. Paddy, twenty times increased, with beet- | root magnified to the mast of “some tall ammural,” dancing upon the blackamoor’s sooty breast, and calling upon him to get up, and bring | out his cane, and meet him with it in open market, like a man! Why, beet-root shall be to Ireland the root of all goodness. Sweets tion that shall in due season clothe Ireland from head to foot in white raiment. Why, the beautiful vision of glorious Tom Moore shall be materially rendered by means of beet-root and flax; we mean the vision enshrined in— “ Rich and rare were the gems she wore, And a snow-white wand in her hand she bore!” The gems shal! be sugar crystallised from beet-root; and the snow- white wand, the whitest sugar-stick. And for her robes, they shall be of woven flax, grown in Irish earth, and typical of the long pure days of peace and innocence in store for the land. Meanwhile, give your orders for Irish sugar. DISCOURAGEMENT OF INDUSTRY. A Qvestion—of some importance to the inhabitants of the suburbs, whose houses lie a little back from the road—is, how travelling bell- hangers know that their gate-bell-wires are—as they continually are— broken, and those artificers as constantly calling to ask if they may mend them ? The presumption is, that when bell-wires are broken, housekeepers have them repaired, without waiting to be solicited todo so, Is the contrary so much the case, that it is worth a workman’s while to examine all the gate-bell-wires of a district on the speculation of finding found in Ireland! Think of that, contemplative men, who tread the wharf | * number to mend? Or can it be that the job is cut out for himeelf by | of Liverpool—the quay of Bristol,—and see vomited from hundreds of ships, to crawl like wingless vermin over the country, tens of thousands of Trish ; the sons and daughters of beggary; the blight of their own | land, and the curse of the Saxon. And now sweets from Ireland! No more rags—no more dirt and | disease, but—fine samples of beet-root sugar: sugar so perfect, so | bright in grain, it might have been grown on the Plains of Hindostan, in the plantations of Tobago. And this, too, this new triumph to follow the hopes of flax cultiva-| the gentleman who wants it? Wecommend this possibility—or rather strong probability—to the attention of the Police. Wonderful Unanimity. Louis Napotzow claims the fact of no one having risen in the Senate and protested against his Government, as a tacit acknowledg- ment of its popularity. It is certainly very tacit, and for the best of all good reasons—no one is allowed to speak in it. ——

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ea eS ou. ry rSers* h- y ton 5 eet ung xy * pay of elle, \ yy Han ms: a) ben sii! p oman ‘Tl lh | = Hhis| ql ; YX al | I Ph = 4 =iil cl yea ) ae Ney lg ca Ail a THE DOWNING STREET CAD. Conductor. “Wot.p any ‘Party’ go Ovt to ontice a Lavy?”

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_ PUNCH, OR THE ‘LONDON CHARIVARI. 205 DISRAELI’S PICTURES. gi HE Royal Academ Dinner of 1852 will, for all time, be a great day in Art. Among the countless ameni- ties and courtesies that made the delightful at- mosphere of that din- ner-time, the compli- mentary suggestion of Lorgp Jonn Russeie to the Ricut Honovur- ABLE Benzamiyn Dis- RAELI, is safe from | oblivion; and for this gratifying cause — it has already borne the most delicious fruit. The Eart or Dexsy first complimented Ma. Diskakwt, with a graceful allusion to his ‘ portrait behind him. (By-the-way, how is it that, since the success of the Right Honourable Gentleman, he is made to look considerably handsomer than heretofore ? But, doubtiess, physical beauty comes with worldly prosperity.) Lorp Jonn Russet followed; and in his generous homage to his ™ opponent, paid the versatility of his genius a sweet, a touching compli- His Lordshi; ment. p said,— “T ventured, last year, to observe that it was remarkable how many persons, eminent in the arts, had succeeded in literature, and that we had no better works than those written by paintersy wheet the same time were at the bead of their profession; but I stated that I had notvemerked that many of those great in Mterary eminence had shown similar proficieneyin the art of painting.” There is no doubt thet the artist’s intellect has a larger ome, describes a wider°@irele; than the merely literary mind.—Goose-quills, to some exteht, compress’ the intellect: whereas, brains are apt to enlarge with pig’s-bristles. We cannot account for the sympathy, but firmly believe in it. Lorp Jon» continued :— “Me. Burke and Mr. Macavnaywere both famous in literature, bat I do not know that either of them could prodwee # pleture equal to any in this room. Now, this is an arena which yet remains opew for ‘the CuaxceLion or THE Excmequer (cheers and laughter); and, as be has suecst@ed@in so many things already, 1 hope he will try to succeed in the fine arts a@he has @one in literature, and, as | must say, he has done in political seience. (Greattaughter and cheering.) The CuanceLton or'tne Excurquer bowed, but said nothing. | It was, however, by those who narrowly watched him—(and he has of late become an Object of even affectionate watchfulness)—that he wrote afewewords oma ecard, handed it to his footman, and imme- diately renderéd himself to the:geniality of the hour. The CHANCELLOR OF THE’ EXCHEQUER returned home early; when —according to his directions*written in cipher on that ananke found a studio : were easels, canvases of all sizes, palettes, paints, brushes—with even living models waiting in the hall! Every- thing that makes the happiest man. Mr. Disraeti, like an energetic man of genius, having first burnt a very handsome proof impression of the portrait of Lonp Patmenrston, as a thank-offermg to Lozp Jomy Russ, immediately,.and before going to sleep, which is evidently not the ease with every painter—began his first picture. Yes: the words of the late Premier were still musical—as fairy wings—in the atmosphere. He : in literature, and—yes—and in political science. So rapid has been the progress of M of our going to. press he had absolutely dashed off a dozen pietures— Cabinet pictures. All these years had he been full of ois, and never knew it. He seemed to have in his sow!— instantaneously transmissible through the fingers—every colour of Harlequin’s jacket: that he eould not but acknowledge himself—privately and confidentially in the solitude of that s#udio—a born political painter. Mr. Puncu has been favoured with a private view of these pictures of the CaanceLior or THE Excuequer; and violates no confidence by despairingly ing to describe them. attempt | Portrait of Lord John Russell, in the Windsor Uniform, delivering his sword to Lord Palmerston, as Pull Miiitiaman of the First Bottie- | That this should be the virgin subject of his untried palette, | holders. speaks equally for the head and heart of the Kight Honourable Painter : it, however, speaks more for the artist. There is great dignity in the manner with which Lorp Joun resigns the sword ; the feeling, assisted by a lurking expression that seems to say, ““ Never mind, | shall soon have it again.” 4 Back View of Mr. Alderman Salomons, as he retired from the' Howse of Commons.—This is handled with great felicity of touch; the | would try to succeed in the fine arts, as he had done | rn. Disnazxi, that at the time! | distance is beautifully marked: indeed, as with some of the pictures of | REMBRANDT, obscurity seems to deepen as we look upon it. We absolutely gaze upon the receding form of the ejected Hebrew, until 2 nome to depart clean out of the picture; but this, of course, is a eiusion, Wild Oats—A Portrait of Benjamin Disraeli. as he appeared at Marylebone between Joseph Hume and Daniel O’ Connell.—Vhe artist has shown t courage, and no less humour, in this bold, this stinging work. He has painted himself as veryyoung, indeed, with a face green and immature as a very early peaseod. He looks the incar- nation of innocence; whilst his sponsors seem interchanging glances, as much as to say, “We've got him!” Nevertheless, with all the innocence lying on the face of BenJamin, like dew upon a daisy, we cannot feel quite so certain of the fact. Portrait of the Earl of Derby as Plenty-This picture is well begun; but—as the head clone is fimished, and the cornucopia merely rubbed in—Puach cannot, as atritic of conscience, say what will come of it. Thrown Overboard.—This will be a very bold»picture: a ship ia a tempest, with somebody being thrown overboard : we cannot at prevent decide, whether the subject is sacred or profane; whether the victim will be Protection or Jonaun. The British Farmer with his Nose out of Joint, is merely rubbed in; but will no doubt be elaborately fini by the Right Honourable Artist. We confess to one little bit of treachery. Ere quitting the studio, we turned one canvas from the wall, and found sketched upon it the out- lines of “A Statue of Beysamin Disraewt,” with his back “ towards | Mark Lane, and his face towards the Caucasus.” A NEW CONVIVIAL SONGSTER. We have plenty of drinking songs, but no eating songs, and we do not see why the latter should not be substituted for the former, now | that the practice of sitting over one’s wine is nearly exploded, and the | table owes much less to the bottle than to the bottle-jack. Conviviality, as far as liquids are concerned, is virtually at an end, and therefore, | unless the solids can be converted into subjects of harmony, we fear that | the separation between hospitality and a song will become unavoidable. | We are desirous of doing what we can to promote the harmony of the \ festive board, and inning, therefore, with a sort of compromise between the fluids and the substantials, we have selected Soup, as a theme, upon which we may meet halt-way the drinkers and the eaters, who may wish to combine song with a satisfaction of their appetites. Arm—* Come, send round the Wine.” Come, serve out the Soup—’tis my honest belief, That those who reject it are obstinate fools ; The time that’s allowed is by far too brief To be wasted in etigquette’s idle rules, Your Soup may be Turtle and mine may be Pea, But while they are served at the same gay board, The fool who would quarrel that both don’t agree, Deserves not to stay if the party is bored. Shall I ask the gay gourmand who sits at my side, Imbibing a basin of splendid Ox-Tail, To give up the soup he has tasted and tried, Beeause to discover its virtues | fail ’ From the rich calipash am [ ask’d to refrain, to some tastes it comes rather amiss ? No! perish the notion : so, help me again ; No other soup reaches a standard like this. Handsome Compliment to Rosas. THE proprietors of the Zoological Gardens have, in the handsomest manner, sent a free admission to Rosas to attend the feeding time of the tigers. There was a laudable endeavour made to stimulate the appetite of the boa, to swallow, in honour of our distinguished coy live kid; but reptiles are so wayward, the creature would neither coaxed nor threatened; and so the /é/e stands over. “THE EAR OF THE NATION” IS A VERY DEAF ONE. A vorrtcnen, speaking of the House of Commons, says: “So diffi- | cult is it for anything to be heard inside its gorgeous walls, that the bopatiogs Members are obliged to be continually calling out, ‘ Hear! | Hear! Hear !’” Aw Unrvusiisnep Maxim or toe tate Mas. Tarumer.—A dull boy, if you will allow me, may be likened to a lamp, which becomes all the brighter oceasionally for a little trimming.

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| Day ge Mr te ete ae ae ceo een oars i a =i “eer rte eam re * SE a" = T Ph, Pia ae | | | Apsley House ? ANATOMY OF A MAJORITY. For tue Removat or tae CrystaL Parace. people, and all that sort of matter. Canpett, Bensamin Bonn — Philanthropist dinner, with the “Queen Son of a duke, and there- fore thinks the Crystal Palace an invasion on the Row of Rotten. Coppexs, Ricnarp.— Thinks Crystal very weil, and would vote for it, if the Crystal were only Cotton Disrag.i, Bexsamiy.—Is a Minister, says “ No,” more, DrumMonp, Home.—Is not a Minister; but has always thought— still thinks—and will continue to think the Crystal Palace an in‘ernal bore. GranBy, Marquess or.—Believes the Palace, if kept, an invasion upon public faith. Hvpson, GeorGe.—Knows exactly what that means, as all England saith. Inouis, Sin Rosent.—Is of opinion that the Palace would make the lower orders forget their Bishops and their Church. Manvyexns, Lonp Jonn.—Asks who in the world is the People ; but begs that old Nobility may not be left in the lurch. Movesworts, Sik Wittiam.—As the Editor of Honpes, says the People shall not even have Honson’s choice. Seymour, Lorp.—Declares, certainly not; and that is his most decided, and his singularly most exclusive voice. SistHorr, CoLtonet.—“ Crystal Palace !”—“ Hail-storm !”—“ Brick ts! ”’—“ Blazes !’’—“ Lightning !”’—“‘ Thunder!”’ Spooner, Ricuarp.—Begs the Colonel will not swear; but as for the Crystal Palace, that must knock under. a cen —— Other reasons were given—all equally good, and all equally stringent— Which the givers, Punch hopes, will discover, on the General Election that ’s contingent, “GOOD FAITH.” Tue present Government are most heroically anxious to keep “ good faith.” They wanted to preserve the Crystal Palace, but “ good faith” did not allow them. Accordingly this “good faith” is flung | like a big stone against the building, and smashes it as easily asa barley- sugar temple. This principle of “ good faith,” when properly exercised, is a very noble one, but was it always so rigidly observed by the British Government ? Isn’t there a brazen monument to the contrary opposite Wasn’t the Statue of His Equestrian Highness the Duke allowed to be hoisted up to its present eminence, upon the “ good faith” that it was to come down again if the height was not found to| BR diminish its hideousness? It never has come down again; and so what becomes of the boasted “ good faith” of the Government? They can break it when a Duke is concerned, but when the education of the entire people is concerned, they observe it with a nicety of punctiliousness that would be highly amusing if the result had not been so humiliating. | The Crystal Palace has been pulled down in obedience to “ good faith.” The Wellington Statue should be made to bow to the same principle, and be whipped off its present elevation. Will the Government have the “good faith” to do it ? Wonderful Instinct of a French Eagle. Aw eagle—a French eagle—is missing from the trophies of Chelsea Hospital, said to have been stolen. How mean and unimaginative the charge! The fact is, the heroic bird on the coming tenth of May was suddenly animated by the guardian saint of France, and is—at the time | of our writing—expected to perch upon the head of Louis Napo.yon in the Champs-de-Mars. If the thing succeeds as expected, he will be immediately saluted emperor ! Morro ror a Stove.—“ Register! Register! Register!” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. f)\ RIGHT, Joun.—A gentleman r of liberality; advocate of popular rights, man of the to after God bless her!” One cheer more, and al! anc every knife - and - fork clatter. CHanpos, Marquess or — MISS VIOLET AND HER “OFFERS.” CHAPTER VII. I nore I have done right. Bat : ¥ had gone up from Erighton to wn, and | had no one to consult. It came upon me so unexpectedly, too, and had to be disposed of directly. Right or wrong—but I am sure I was right—the question is settled, and so is the Reverenp IcHasop Biare. We used to see a good deal of him when we lived at Hampstead, I was going to say because he had a chapel somewhere in Camden Town, but it might be more correct to say, because papa was very hospitable, Before he retired from business, he used regularly to walk home from the City; and it was quite astonishing how often the Reverenp Mr. Brare happened to cross his road just in time to catch him. Sometimes the Reverend IcHaBop would pop out near Mother Red Cap’s, ramming some tracts into his pocket as soon as he was sure pa had seen them; sometimes he would be descending Haverstock Lill, reading a little book, and would nearly run over papa, before pre- tending to recognise him. Then he would look up with a very sweet smile, and say with a sort of sigh, “Ah, my friend! So the toil of the day is over, and the labourer returns to his rest? Well—well—well.” And with each of the last | and shall say 00 | three words he would pat papa gently on the arm, as if compassionating , need of rest, and not judging him too austerely for going home to inner. | Papa understood it all perfectly well, and when the dinner-bell rang, aud | managed to meet him him and kiss him as he came out of his dressing-room, he used to tell me, in a low droll voice, the form of encouragement he had that day received from his reverend friend. But he was so good-natured that he generally let Mr. IcHaBop accomplish his object, and only baffled him when we had clergymen of a imuch nicer kind coming to dinner. And sometimes, too, papa would make little mis- ciievous reprisals. One day |the Reverend Icnapon darte |out of ambush, in Flask Walk, and pounced upon papa and me. “Ah! Mr. Brarg, if we had only met yesterday! The Bisuor or St. Croziers, my old schoolfellow, was in town about some livings he has to fill up, and came up to take his chop with me. You would | have liked to meet him.” The Reverenp Mr. Brare knew that very well, and his fat face looked uglier than ever as he pretended to smile away his annoyance, and answered, meekly, These things are not in our own disposal, my friend. Yet I was walking about on the hill, as it chanced, for upwards of an hour, about your usual time.” “ We came home Regent’s Park way,” Papa replied, “to take up a young clergyman in Albany Street whom [ wanted to introduce to the ishop.’ “ A dangerous neighbourhood,” Mr. Biare said, indemnifying him- self for his vexation with a little bit of spite. “Dangerously near Puseyite ground” (for the Reverend Icuasop is so furiously Claphamite, that his conscience forbade him to go to the May Meetings, because Exeter Hall bore the name of Dr. Partport’s diocese). “I | trust your friend meddles not with such leaven. There is only one way in which such persons should be brought under the notice of a bishop.” REV. ICHABOD BLARE. |friend, and made an appointment for him to meet the Examining | Chaplain.” But it was not often that papa would amuse himself in this way, and | generally when Mr. Icuasop had patted his arm, and encouraged the | labourer to go to his rest, would say, “The labourer has got some Severn salmon to-day” (or some lamperns from Tewkesbury, or some teal, or whatever it might be) ; “come on to bis hut, if you have nothing better to do.” And you may take my word for it that the Reverenp IcHasop Bare never had anything better to do, or if he had, he never did it. I said he was an ugly young man, but it was not a common kind of ugliness. His forehead retreated, and his nose, which was a very ignoble sort of pyramidical nose, projected very far, and so did his lips ; “T trust | have not done anything wrong,” papa answered, humbly. | “TI think not, because his Lordship seemed pleased with my young |

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and his great fat double chin had not the least little atom of whiskers ; | and he invariably wore a white cravat, very tight, so that he always | looked hot ; and being stout, and wearing a dress coat, and everything | else of black (except his Berlin gloves), he resembled an undertaker | rejoicing in a good business. But papa has brought home much more hideous men, who have gone away leaving me perfectly in love with | them. There was a coarseness of expression about the Reverenp Ma. Icuason’s face, which, I suppose, made it so disagreeable. He was oe prosperous person, and his flocks used to make a great deal of him, and present him with silver services, and new gowns, and portraits of himself; but he deserted them without the least compunc- tion, the moment anything better offered. Ma. Biare had been staying at Brighton, and had called several | times, but, until the mornmg I speak of, we had been out. I was) near the window, feeding my canary birds, and wondering whether dear | Mr. Kipp ever went out as private tutor to teach the darling thingsthe feats he describes so delightfully, as, if so, I said | would make papaengage | him for mine. Mr. Biare came to the door, and saw me as he rang, and | he quite walked over the servant, rebaking the poor girl for falsehood in | trying to say “notat home.” {was fairly caught, for I had let my birds | out, and I was afraid to leave them, or I should have run away. “Ab, Miss Viotet!” he said, marching into the room, his thick | boots ereaking dreadfully. And stalking up to me, he frightened my| poor birds so, that they flew round and round the room, until one fell down in the dust behind the looking-giass, and the other dashed out into the hall, and half stunned itself against the window. I was so angry ! “‘ Here,” he said, sitting himself down quite composedly (I wished the light ehair had crunched under him), “here, my dear young lady, you behold an illustration of our depraved nature.” I looked at him, and felt quite inclined to agree with him. For I always disliked him, as lam afraid what I have said will have dis- covered. But whilemy poor bird was scratching, and fluttering, and chirping in dismay behind the glass, I almost hated the Revexenp IcHABOD. “Thus,” he continued, “we all act, like those silly and foolish birds.” “They are neither silly nor foolish, Mz. Buare,” | said (I fear, quite rudely), “ but they know their friends, and dislike strangers.” And I tried to coax poor little Jujube from his cranny; and the little thing, knowing my voice, was endeavouring to extricate himself, when Ma. Buiare, who had been looking at me impatiently, snatched up his great thick cotton umbrella, and actually thrust it in between the wall and the glass, to “ poke the bird towards me,” as he said. I was so astonished at anybody thinking of such a thing, that I could hardly ery out, and Mr. Buare, witha sort of grin, would certainly have killed poor Jujabe, or hurt him dreadfully, when, I am delighted to say, the force of the great thick umbrella was too much for the fastenings which held the glass, and down came the glass itself upon the fender, with a smash that sent it into a thousand pieces. Poor Jujube flew to his cage, and, dusty as he was, began to chirrup out his gratitude at being delivered ; while there stood the Reverenp Icuasop Biare, with his umbrella in his hand, and his mouth open. I could not help laughing, startled as I was, to see his dismay. “A bad omen, Mr. Buane,” I said, “to break a looking-glass! Ill PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. luck for seven years to come—at least, so my old nurse taught me.” But he aa not laugh, and gave such a savage look at poor Jujube, who was cleaning his wings, and chirping in exultation, that I was quite | glad I was there to protect the poor little creature. It was clear that | the horrid man thought he should have to pay the lodging-keeper for the | glass; as if papa would have heard of such a thing. A Monster Sweep. Or all the Sweeps that from time immemorial have knocked their | sooty implements together on the First of May, surely no noise ever | equalled that made by the destruction of the Crystal Palace, which com- menced on that day. Such aset of Sweeps were never engaged on'| such dirty work before; and the Parliament which ordered the beau- tiful building to be swept away, proved itself, by flying so directly in the face of the country, to be the Greatest Sweep that ever existed. We hope when the elections come on, that the people wil! recollect that the Sweep in question was a “ Dexsy Sweep.” What will you let me have this Borough for’ Watpore said, “ Every man has his price.” We don’t know about every man, but it would seem from what the immaculate Corrock says, that “Every Borough bas its price.” And as a genera! election is coming on, we would advise him, with his experience, to start the ublication of a new weekly paper, to be called, “l'une Bonoven | nice List.” | i Tue Greatest Opsectiox 10 THE Income-Tax.—The Income-Tax is an insult to the mational understanding. ineonsistency. it is taxing the people with GOING THE WHOLE LAMB; OR, TOO MUCH_OF A GOOD THING, How strange that the very same men who, last Session, ' Tried to make us put up with the papal aggression, Have been working as hard, on a recent occasion, To prevent all precaution ’gainst foreign invasion ! Do they fancy that there ’s too much pride in the nation, And think it requires a slight humiliation ? Are their souls so to mercantile objects restricted, That they care not what shame on their country’s inflicted ? Or—really they quite make one’s faith in them waver— Are they bidding for certain constitaents’ favour ? Is their line only one of political scheming, Are they, wide-@wake, canting, or honestly dreaming ? Their very extremely forbearing opinions, In practice, would quickly enslave these dominions; Their objection to fight—though defensive the battle— Would degrade us, ere long, into:mere servile cattle, We agree with these gentlemen, freely‘and fully, That the doughty Joun Buu. must-noMiereiplay Jomn Buty ; But if they must needs make a farther’ E To bring down Joun Butt to Jouw Ox—werety, Never ! A MILITIA BILL IN 1952. ouBTHEss, could we peepanother eentu into futurity, perbaps, unless the Mil- lennium is to“arrive before that,we might 7 witness, in progress through the House of Commons, ® bill for the further Im- rovement of the National Defences. consequence of the immense progress that science will have made by that time, the debate foreshown to us, would pro- bably evince, that some curious changes had taken place in our munitions. One Honourable Member would be heard moving for returns of the acids employed in maintaining the galvanic batteries along the coast in an efficient state; and another arguing that the regular steam army was infinitely preferable to a Militia, composed of engines taken from : behind the counter and the plough’s @ tail. A third, pe , would then be fs - found repudiating all recourse to phy- sical dynamic machines ; and@eclaring his conviction that the strongest meg en might be effeétually resisted by the silent will, and the quiet fore: of opmion. A Hint to the Prince Presiderit. ConstpeRive that the French Senators are expressly required to legislate with their eyes shut, and on no accountpermitted to appear in | what an electro-biologist would term “a wakeful state,” we really | almost wonder that a decree has not been issued, changing the name of the Chamber of Deputies to that of the “ Bed-Chamber of Deputies,” and ordering that in future each member, upon his entrance, shall be Presidentially provided with a nightcap. LOVE IN A BOTTLE, We see a Tradesman is advertising a new Spirit, called “ Toe Sprarr or Love.” We don’t know what kind of Spirit this may be, but we imagine it must be Parfait Amour. The Fate of all Umbrellas. Tue Umbrella seems to be a doomed article. Every man’s hand, apparently, is raised against it. Its fate is uncertain enough in England ; but in Germany it seems to be much worse. The Germans must be the greatest robbers of Umbrellas in the world; for the Umbrelia-makers themselves, gravely tell us in their advertisements “Tue Genwan(s) Sree, Umpaeitas.” SHORT-HAND REPORT OF MR. DISRAELI'S BUDOFT SPRECH. “ Srm,—For the year 1853, I beg leave to say Di/lo to Sia Cuancus Woop for 1852,”

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL MM ‘het Nl Na) Wats, at be yi NP js eS - ~~ 1, ott os ~~ i a aed a yin A “ f ' . Ly ah % CA —_ } ht Le 3- 4 ‘ 2 4 Sy hi sae, ; ¢ a “ss _ A a a — J ~ FO, AVON, f MAYA) LLY A ( AY xii Nu ay — . & Dil Fs ( | The pages of Puxch would not constitute a “ popular period‘eal,” if they were stained with |“ ungentlemanly scurrility.” Indeed, Mr. Punch | is too much of a gentleman to abuse. He | will not, therefore, cali the language | ladylike. On the contrary, he sure in expressing his belief that A. S. is a lady; | and, from certain Yankeeisms in her letter, ther with her advocacy of female doctors, he infers that she is an American and a Bloomer— at least a Bloomer in heart, if not im trousers. But now, as touching that “very serious occa- sion,” as A. 8. sharply enough calls it, on which Mr. Punch alluded to the New York doctrix. Mr. Punch begs to est to A. S. that the reason that no benevolent man, no father of a family, came forward, for the love and respect they bore their own daughters, to deprecate the observations of Mr. Punch, probably was, that benevolent men and fathers of families, in England, for the most part, bear too much love and too much respect for their daughters to think of allowing them to walk the Pospitels, and wield the sealpel. A. 8., happily, dees not know what she is writing about in claiming, as within the. province of women, a profession which necessitates the studies of anatomy and physiology, without the knowledge of which its practice might be the a living, but | = be the reverse to the ar 309 _ tan if Ve a vere are some employments that are peculiarly ‘ NNW masculine. Medicine is pre-eminently man’s °S. ° work. An able-bodied female might, with 1 “ greater propriety, be a navvy, than a strong- ‘sh ty minded woman could be a physician. Women, = fy truly, make the best nurses; but the interference aan | 4 of nurses in the treatment of a case is one of ‘ | PA the greatest obstacles that the physician has to M r con‘end with. Woman is a flower that, let us our hope, will never expose itself to be plucked at Wh the Hall: a doctor must be made of sterney stuff that than the material of her heart and braia. The trea upper story of a lady is even less fittvd for the of | se | reception of medical details, than her lower ex- D tremities are to be invested with boots, &c. If fron A. 8, still desires to wear the latter, Mr. Punch hopes that he has now so far enlightened her | that she will no longer want to be conversant with T | the former. they | | Mr. Punch begs to repeat that he takes A. 8. infir ‘ (for a lady, in whom nescience of the nature of the- | the medical profession is natural and sroper. If mot he had thought those initials were a man’s, he hon should have merely recommended the addition nati + of another 8. to them. rom & to k stic The Pope in Paris. as — | Tats is about the season when, in certain wu —— suburbs and bye-lanes and alleys, we are wont to afm ——— 3 — | hear the old, lingering cry of “ Young lambs to B. J Pum 9 oe | sell.” It is gold thas Pors Pio ney chety be pos . “ ” | expecte wi some such cry in Faris. 1s en MR. BENDIZZY'S “RAPID ACT WITH A CHANGE. announced as likely to come to France to anoint of bi ee —— ‘the Paresrpgnt; as if such a sli fellow in tl necded et ous greasing. Never ean the — ; . 1. | visit wi ut an interchange of courtesies rest DOCTORS IN PETTILOONS. | between Fees pal Syeeene. pore . THERE ed the other day in the Times, a letter, showing up an attempt to extort | L#0™ sent powder me S ather; tre services ions: governess, on Gane even sbabbier than usual. This has called forth another - the P ak ™m ohana} feeowe bow * not letter in the same journal, signed A.S., treating such exposures with disdain, on the ground Pe y ie = et, aaa” hireling benediction ase of their inutility, and insisting that the remedy for the evil complained of, is another * on an grease to { thing; that | make Emperors. I “ Until a woman's sphere is enlarged, and she is allowed a fair chance of making an honest livelihood for un herself, she must simply be a governess and starve.” . ay A. S. means to say that the range of employments now open to women ought to be The Old Want with a New Face. ret extended beyond its present limits, which, for educated ladies, are those of the drawing-| Co.onen Sestuore has given public notice of cin room and the nursery. J/r. Punch is not the man who would wish to restrict female industry the desolating fact! He “wants confidence in tha to infant tuition, or to chronicling small beer, either with or without the duty annexed the present Ministers.” In trath it is now | anc thereto by Lago. However, A. S. indigaantly remarks :— | generally understood in the best informed circles 7 | “ "There is at this present time a lady ing sucessfully in New York, as a physician, and it is afact|that the gallant member for old Tom of Lincoln that when the intelligence came to Europe that the thing was being attempted, she was attacked by Punch with | wants, and will continue to want, confidence in pra ee eee nee on eae very eer tat hanes ‘own daughters, would interfere to plead the cause | everybody, except—(reader, a Word in your esr, | ™ | of justice and Sanenty against that popular periodical ?” and that in secresy)—except CotoweL SretHor?: | ; : ry . 13,0 a ah of St. an , 0.7, , Stoke New , both in the County of Printers, at ther ceaihie Pepe Wy Pelee Deotny, of Ke 13, Upper Wotarn Place, in the Parish of St. Pane 4 Frederick Mullett Evans, of No.7, Church Bow, ington ty 352. Street, in the Precinet of Whitefriars, in the City of Londow, and Published by them at Ne. &5 Fleet Street in the Parish of St. Bride’s ip the City of London.—Saruspar, May 15th, |

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! a _ = a "S848 PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 209 really ill, and for all those who have nothing the matter with them. Homceopathy is a near approach to it, and no doubt permits a sufficient number to get well to make persons of quality, but not of discernment, HE Morning Post | believe it cures them. the other day re-| Sim Jouw Kewwaway adverted—in very a terms—to Mr. ported a homao-| Punch’s dealings with homeopathy. Homeopathy may, as Sir Jouw pathic banquet, |S@y8, have stood the test of ridicule; so has astrology: there are whereat,however, people who take in Zapxkre’s Aimanac, which returns the obligation. the principle that | In like manner t are those who subscribe to homeopathic institu- homeopathy does | tions: but we hope Sir Jonw Kewnaway will find a better use for not always con- | is money. fine its to infinitesimal quantities was as- THE GAME OF GLOBULES. = isciples oe THE GREAT ANTI-WAGNER DEMONSTRATION. serted, and — we | suppose—demon-| A LarGe body of the distinguished professional foreigners exercising strated also. This | their various abilities in London, met yesterda: somewhere in Exeter was the Hahne- Hall to protest against the assumed axiom of leon AtBert Wacnen, mann Hospital |that “ England was only to be valued for her money,” The meeting Dinner,which was | was very full; and the manner of the meeting very animated, not to eaten on the 10th | say at times a littleimpetuous. M. Juntrew (in a waistcoat expressly instant, at the | made, and got up less of expense, for the occasion) was called to London Tavern. | the chair, and briefly explained the objects of the meeting; gracefully After the diseus- | and emphatically marking with his ddéom the points, as he impartially sion of the comes- | considered, most ee of attention. tible good things, | wt at of a ich we always want, whee we do not went to came the feast of | iffuse)—com us to condense, or crush, the sentiments of the reason; if such a| speakers, into a few general opinions, term can be applied to the swallowing of encomiums of homceopathy,| S1¢~on FoLpeRoxpt (the detinguished tenor,) had no idea of mone’ to which the more fluent members of the company treated the others. | on his visit—(a visit that had stretched over ten seasons)—to Some remarkable things were said by some of these gentlemen. He certainly took a salary, for the mere prejudice of the thing : The Cuatamas, in proposing the health of the Queen, expressed a la pa aap Ney B i id was to study the style, wish that | and colouring o ish vocalists. “ign Masesty’s life, either by the power of homeopathy or allopathy, might be| MADAME B (the illustrious prima donna,) declared upon her preserved for eoventl pum — sade os honour, — as true as she mae lady, that al yom had purchased May the Queen live a thousand years! But mus¢ the preservation of | *¥°0F three palazzi—one on the Arno, one at Como, one no matter our her de. Sovereign depend ouher on homeopathy or allopathy ? ee wae oe she had — ee When we drink the Queen’s health—which is not seldom—our wish is | ¥' -s fits = Bev Ss, and she wis al 8 Jy , thi that it may continue in a robust state, independently of any medical | ™™ute if it wasn't true English money was always the last thing in treatment whatever; of any doses, whether operative or infinitesimal ; | eas tchaly - fo cee mat oy a = hag died pcos a bg ye gee SO worth hearing would name it ; and did really wonder what ‘hat Waowen meant. from SuaxsreaRy. Men. he ae hove seushe—- Henk Sruxmwerrer (the great chiropodist,) said, certainly, to ° saggy at este eal employ his leisure, he did cut corns. It so ned that he had testi- Even in the cannon s mouth. wo st $d TE The globule reputation is what some people seek, or rather, it is all| no; his object in coming to England was to give his mind to ohn they find, when, by agitating for the diffusion of nonsense, they acquire | Charta. Fees were all very well; but his ion was habeas c . infinitesimal celebrity. Dr. Epps should have thought of that. By-| M. Soyer had had English | money forced wu hin. He had the-bye, as the bubbie reputation is to be found occasionally in the! heen covered with English money, like a gingerbread chanticleer (a mouth of the cannon, so, we should think, would the globule of| Gallic cock) at Bartlemy Fair; Bat money he despised iall homeopathic medicine be now and then discovered, by careful exami-| British money. No; he bad only one aim in visiting and living nation, im the mouth of the patient, or somewhere else in that line of | in England: that was, to study, and thoroughly to master, in all its road vulgarly called the red lane, as so minute a thing is likely enough | ramifications and developments (he knew those were the words, though to be taken without being swallowed ; and, like Macdeth’s “ Amen,” to! they were very hard ones), the truly British dish of “toad-in-a-hole.” | stick in the throat. England had flung frogs in the face of France; but that was no reason ae _Valuable observation was made by Dr. Mappen. It was/he ould despise poor | jesery * mode in their truly ee a. e following :— | As for money—he wouldn’t trust himself to say what he thought of it. “ Of the approximation of old physic to homeopathy, I may give one instance out} Doctor Brccarrco (the great henesepethint,) ractised medicine | of many, which will be the more interesting as it refers to no less a person than Sin upon the principles of the immortal Hanwemanyw ; t that really had B. Bropre. I have no doubt that most persons here present are aware that Sin . A ¢ ° ? : BexJ amin is celebrated for his treatment of affections of & joints and spine. Well, nothing to do with his election of England as his place of residence. bold to say, he would not— during thirty years of his practice, Siz Bexsamiw recommended bleeding, leeches,| He certainly could not—and he would sine, eet rao, her atone, and snare atm ng an ine |Tefuse fees when offered him: but he considered the extraordinary is theo sh unaiedie a . i eathteee treatment ix not #88ertion of Hern Wacwer or explici ial and condemnation | chy ast Cnae, Te ce nies ak Get be oe to torment his on the part of every foreigner protected by the flag of Britain. patients, and is convinced that the change has been attended with the happiest (Doctor B.) would at once state that the sole cause that lured him to | resulta. England, and bad kept him here, was not English money, but English Now, suppose Siz Bewsamrw Bropre had, besides mitigating his old | skies; not English gold, but the bright, unclouded, English blue. treatment, given his patients infinitesimal giobules of medicine, would| ‘There was then made a of a very strong remonstrance—so | not the superlatively happy results of his improved practice have been| strong it might almost pass for a condemnation of the illiberal and ascribed by homeeopathists to the globules, no less, if not rather, than | ignorant and selfish assertion of Hzan Waewer touching England and to the discontinuance of the bleeding, and so on ? |ber money. At length, a very pithy avowal was — embodying Ladies and gentlemen, who form opinions about medicine without | the feelings of the professional foreigners in England. It was simply understanding the subject, should be informed that disease is in general | this, engrossed : warmth, It was a quotation 4 process naturally terminating in recovery; that many diseases will get well without the aid of metisies ; and that next to giving no medi- cine at all in such cases, the best plan is to give next to no medicine— that is to say, infinitesimal globules. But then these wise gentlemen and judicious ladies should consider that the infinitesimal globules do not any good, but simply do infinitely sma!! harm. Besides “homceopathy” and “allopathy,” there is a species of penstion which may be called oudenopathy, thus epitomised by Macheth “ Throw physic to the dogs—I "ll none of it.” This is the best system of medicine for many patients who are , aforesaid :-— “ MONEY NO OBJECT.” (Here follow signatures.) | When we left, there was a skrimmage between an organ-boy and a Lascar, as to 4 should first affix his x. A Bemedy for Chancery. | “Ma. Powcn,—(writes Henn Dummxory)—What is the remedy for Joanna WaGyer against the decision of the Vice Cuancetton? ” | , | Ms. Poxcu makes answer—“ A cold.’ VOL. XXIL Y

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tenn acme seme 210 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI WAR SONG FOR THE WILBERFORCE SOCIETY. re te ee ee a feen, S07 here ’s pempeiion —— es foes of Truth | HE 5 assure you,” I said (ashamed that I should have been so ot r prying into the tuition ynoat. , am 7 M Bothering the holy doetors t hing at that sc ed calege eee aH! did not think of an argument. [ only said what Astzonemy, VEREEY, SE every tenis —_—— “ Utterly unworthy,” he continued, as if the words were the regular | Sure the like was never heard of since the cruel acts of Nexo’s, | form (and [ suspect they are) in which to meet the objection. “ Look | We’ll defy them to discover what we are above concealing, When he kilt the saints because they wouldn’t own his gods and heroes ; | imto the Times, and you will see that subseriptions of hundreds of thou- | sands of pounds, for doing good in the a how little value And their Saxon insolence we ’|| meet with native [rish feelme. | serioushy-minded people attach to your itions,” | “Jan sure,” I replied, “ that L oughtmnet to contest such a matter, |or amy other matter, indeed; for [ am sadly ignorant. But papa | was lately reading to me, from the same Times, that, in London only, ‘one person out of every twenty who rise imthe morning, bas no means een ee i except what may be | afforded by secident or crime. And’ I think he said, that as there | were about two millions of people im Demdon, this would make about one hundred thousand driven everyday to beg, or to de wrong, in order to keep life in them, peorcreatures. Péerhaps—but, mind, | am not arguing—some of these thousands of pounds that go to the Antipodes might do more good if they were spent in belping‘owr own unfortunate neighbours.” I quite coloured at having made so long a speech to a clergyman. “So much for poor human instinet, poor human reason,” he said, smiling. “ Let us who know better be thankful.” _ Lsaw no objection to this arrangement, and, as just then Emma came a" say that lunch was ready, I thought I would imitate papa, ina g way. | “Do you like sardines, Ma. Branz?” L asked. “ Papahas brongit foun ngee which he declares are gold fish. Will you come and try them ?” The Reverenp Mr. Biare immediately offered me his- arm, ‘or | which I saw no particular occasion, and we went. into the other. room, |where, though he modestly declared he was very partial to the | sardines, he showed becoming impartiality by also feasting very heartily | upon everything else, not forgetting papa’s pale sherry, of which he {nearly fintshed a bottle. I took wp some et, not to seem to hurry him, but every time I looked up, I observed that Mz, Brare was staring at me in an extraordinary manner. | “You are knitting,” he suddenly said, after a long silence. I was doing nothing of the kind, but men are dreadfully stupid about Pts ee —_ | such matters, and confound all our work most absurdly. And yet they aio r j think us — —~ eee things, 4 we ask = prisoners 66 are ever tried in the Court of Chancery, or whether handicaps are some MISS VIOLET AND HER OFFERS.” kind of joekey’s costume, or why a second reading of a bill im Parlia ae ment should be made more fuss about than a first, CHAPTER VIII “ Not exactly knitting,” I said, “ but-——” “Yes, you are,” he said, quite peremptorily; “a knitting Te crash of the looking-glass of course brought the servants into| whieh, perhaps, you reck not of, but which is good abiding’ work, the room; and, by the time the pieces were swept up, and I had put | nevertheless.” a: é Juyabe and the other bird into the cage, and the scene was over, the| 1 thought that he had beem taking in the Family Herald ; and was Reverexp Ma. Buane had recovered his usual sleek tranquillity. He goingto retail to me one of the capital American stories papa is so fond wangpne enough to tell me not to be discomposed about these little | of. So | looked up, prepared to jamgh as scon as he should explain the worldly trials, which, however vexatious they might appear, were|riddle. : nothing. to what. missionaries and their converts in the imterior of} “A knitting of hearts,” he said; solemnly, “to be unravelled only Africa were uaderpoing every day. And to bring my mind into a| when this valley shall have been traversed.” proper state for what was. to follow, he ed out a Report of the} Ido net know how | leeked then, or indeed during the rest of the Clapham Rise Auxiliary Junetion Branch of the British and Abyssinian interview; but the Revewenp lcowasop probably did, for be got u Anti-Pelagian. School Society, and read a most affecting letter from |tather hastily, came round to me, dtew a chair very near me, av one Brotuer CLaMMyY, an yee ham correspondent, who stated that | sitting down, rested himself slopingly on the table, so as to he had recently been privileged to yoke himself together in marriage a view of my faee. : , with Sister Vaswti Seema, also am agent of the Society. But the) “Miss Brompton,” hesaid, “1 came here this day for a purpose sister had found favour in the eyes of Kise Quorro Buneo, the ehief | which (Providence willing) | will now carry out. What I have to sa of a tribe to whom she and the brother had paid a visit; and bis | may su rise you, but I have observed that you have received the gi/t Majesty had not only been graciously pleased to insist on being present | of humility and self-abasement, and I do not fear that you will be at the wedding, bat, in the exuberance of his good-humour, had ordered up. First, | would tell you of a providential occurrence whic! one of the bridesmaids (a native convert) to be cooked for his supper happened to myself. I have been guided to purchase a chapel at aud that of the happy pair. the west end of the town, and I have bought.it cheaply, for the seller Replacing the am Rise Report in his poeket, Ma. Bare looked was in straitened cireumstanees, and clutched at my ready money. at me with a most elaborate smile of exceeding duration, and them, though I offered him far less than his worldly cunning induced him to in an oily voice, asked me whether I thought 1 should have courage ask. With asmall outlay, and due exertions.on my part, L trust to to become, like the dear sister of whom he had read to me, a labourer | find in this speculation not only a good investment, but the means of in the vineyard of duty. I had to recover my amiability|am ample income. There is no place aur purchase where tle (which, indeed, I felt ashamed of myself for having lost, for Mz. Buarg | imhabitants of the locality can hear what I be pri | had frightened my birds by mere accident, and could not have meant to them. The parish church is well attended, but. the imeumbent is old, | annoy me), and so I answered, langhingly, that I was afraid I should and I doubt not to thin his ranks. All promises well, But this.is not make a poor labourer in any cause, but [ thought that what duty [| enough for me—l know not whether you divine what. I would go on | ought to do must lie a little nearer than Abyssinia. But I supposed /to say.” Sister Gupstys had been a lady without any relations or friends to| He actually tried to take my hand ; but I put it into my crochet- whom she could be of service, and that the neighbourhood in which she | box to be out. of bis way. had lived, when at home, had stood in no need of assistance. If that; “You wish papa to take sittings, I suppose? I must refer you to were so, [ could admire the philanthropy which kad led her to a distant | him; he has views of his own om these subj as-you know.” part of the world. “ You must, indeed, refer me to him!” cries Mr. BLare, ina sort of The Reverenn Icuazop Briar shook his head, and said pityingly | hallowed enthusiasm ; “but not about a holding, to be renewed quarterly,

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Berea BS OSM REE er ’

| under my sedulous cave. our tender flower ” | remove the only diffiealry L eould feel. | truth, feel that this And so, my dear lamb,” he said, (hastening from botany to zoology), | rapidly, that there was no time for me to speak. | moment [ darted out of the room. | left. Isay very sensibly, for the last glass of wine the Reverenp

PUNCH. OR THE LO N DON CHARIV ARL

sini to be had i in the vestry. In a word, Miss Brompton, I will not talk to you of worldly admiration—for we ought all to hate and | despise our worthless selves, and everybody else (who is equally worth-| less, at least); but. I will at once say to you, ‘ Let us do even as 8 —— VasuT! and Baorner CLamay.’ fa. ap! af am very much frightened, and yet quite unable | to ghing at the sudden proposal, and the way it was con-| vered, " idesiens - to be bridesmaid, if she was to be eaten afterwards.” But Ma. Beare would not laugh. He was dreadfully in earnest. “Nay!” hesaid; “let.us not sport with serious things. ltmay | that you feel y uaworthy, from previous habits, of ihe important position | offer you. That. is not a bad sign ; but we would hope that | (he meant me) ° Pnight | grow wp into a cedar of Lebanon I was too startled to object to his horticultural theory ; but I hastily | | glanced. at the bell-bandle. | “ Do not think the mateh unsuitable for me,” he said, kindly, to) “ Your worthy father is rich | and influential, and you have neither brother nor sister. I do net, in| objection need weigh upon your tender conseienee. ‘few words reed pass between those who understand one another. | will see your excellent parent on his return. And now permit me, ma all becoming Up to this moment the Reverend Icuazop had really advanced so | But matters were now growing se rious, and the crisis demanded resolution. “Mr. BLARE,” I said, getting some little distance from him, “ pray let me speak!” For he was pulling his chair after me. “ it am very much obliged to you indeed, for your good opinion of me; but— but nothing could ever induce me to—to—to—be a Vasut1 CLammy.” At least, 1 believe I said something of this kind; and the next I am certain he did not misunderstand me; for he remained some little time in the parlour, very sensibly drinking all the wine that was Icuanop Brare ever bad under papa’s roof, was that with whieh he consoled himself for the unfavourable result of Miss Viougt’s First “ Offer.” DENSITY IN HIGH LIFE, VE <¥ one of our contemporaries gave an account of a “reeeption’ held, the other evening, by the Couyress or Densy, at her hus-| band’s “official residence” in Downing Street. Loxp DersBy had also gwen a “full dress} banquet ” at his office, and as the former party followed on the! latter, it was, says the Post, “by | far the-most brilliant réwnion of| the present season. Tes rooms | over the office, or “ they are ealied m that: ne wapmpEr, for Were crammed, so that haw qesudes last a complete bieck. Fancy so many of the heads of society formimg one block—as it we are told that

further appears they did: since “The Duxe or Weuiyeron himself, with the Mancnionnzse or SALieuRy on his arm, could make no impression on the dense mass of nobility and aignity that hemmed him and each other in on all sides.” No wonder that this “mass of nobility and dignity” was so dense that the Duke of WeLLINGTon himself could make no impression on it, seeing that a party at the Hart or Dexsy’s place of business was probably a Protectionist party “ France—A Free Country! Owe of the Arabs—says the Daily News~in waiting on an Arab Chief, in Paris, refused to attend the bidding of his master, saying that '» “he was now im a free country!” ‘This compliment coming to the | knowledge of the Puesipewt, he immediately rewarded the true oo in the freedom of France with the Legion of Honour. It is said that the PagsipENT was quite overeome by the delicate flatiery !

FISCAL MEDICINE. Tue Stamp Duties and the Tax wpon Paper are imposts that | ly tend to paralyse the energies of the country, inesmuch as, taxes on literature and intellect, they constitute what is the most | Sonnet cause of paralysis—pressure on the brain. A DOMESTIC ENIGMA. CONSIDERABLE progress has been made in betes « haraeters and cuneiform inscriptions, and in the interpretation | Egyptian hieroglyphies. ‘There is, however, a = of 5 | writing, whieh hitherto baffled all attempts to make it out, penmauship. I do not know one young lady whom I ng joined are a few specimens of this mystical Ott £

| i } examination of the flourishes which | stand oppositete the Arabie numerals in the above fragment, aided by im collateral evi we have formed the conjecture, not to say | i themisan abbreviation of the word Kump- | the selution of which we have been | success, is part of a | almost as difficult to | it may be desirable that a | written in ciphers and but there can be no reason Lg om having for dinner. It | _— butehers ett as well, henceforth, write their bills not continue to add to the cares and miseries of the father of Tianily, by by giving him unnecessary perplexity and trouble in auditing his weekly accounts. e Louis Napoleon's Last Act. Tre coup d'état of the 2d of December was a heavy blow; and when we consider the uniforms, embroideries, upholsteries, point, troops, slaves (who were very numerous), and attendants, exhibited by Lou1s Napoizon the other day at his distribution of Eagles, and compare these properties and supernumeraries with what we witness on the stage, we are inclined to call the /#e of the Champ de Mars—the last mew grand /@#e of that ilk—“a tremendous hit.” THE BITTERS OF OFFICE. We hear a great deal about the sweets of office, but few of us think of its annoyances. The Court Circular, a few days ago, furnished an instance of the truth, that anes has its * dismal as well as its brilliant side, for we are informed that, on Friday last, “ Cotonzn Sustuomp had an interview with Mx. Secretaay WALro.e.” NICHOLAS, AS A HUNGARIAN. —The Emrenon Nicnoxas entered Nienma, we are told, “ wearing the uniform of a Hungarian general.” The uniform of Hangary ! Thas may the clothes of the victim be at ‘times found upon the back of the accomplice in his destruction.

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peor PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL POLITICAL ELECTRO-BIOLOGY. QEEING the wonders that are alleged to be performed by Electro- | '? Biology, which purport to keep the subject under the entire domi- nion of the practitioner’s wil),we are surprised that it has not been already | taken in hand by the professors of politics. One of the effects of the art is to make a person under its influence believe when he is drinking water that he is imbibing whatever else the professor may think fit to | tarn it into. Such a power would be most veluaile in dealing with Jonw 4ULL, who might thus be made to swallow whatever the Minister should desire to force down the throat of the victim. The great advantage of Electro- Biology over common-place Mesmerism consists in the fact, that the operations of the former are successful when the patient is in “ a | perfectly wakeful state;” and, as Joun Buwt cannot be very readily | induced to shut his eyes in these days, mere Mesmerism would be of comparatively little use ga the better of his senses. Electro- Biology, on the other hand, causes the patient to do, and to suffer, | all sorts of things against his own will, and with his eyes wide open. Those who have attended at an Electro-Biological exhibition will have observed that one of its features consists in making an individual hold something in his hand, and telling him after he bas kept his eyes fixed upon it for some time, that he cannot, if he were to try ever so hard, get rid of it. Our old friend Jouw But + oe now, in this very awkward position with regard to the Income ‘lax, which he has looked at very seriously and intently for some time, with a strong desire to get it off his hands ; but he is now told by our financial professor of Electro- | Biology that the objectionable weight is “ not to be got rid of.” The victim seems really to be under an Electro-Biological influence of some sort, for he has actually brought to believe, to a certain extent, that, in spite of his own will, he is under some mysterious obligation to hear the present burden. Whether the Professor will succeed in working on the imagination of the i so far as to make him believe that it is a lump of sugar he before him, may be doubtful; but the fact cannot be disputed, that Joun Buxt has the hateful weight of the Income Tax upon his hands, and that he cannot at present lay it down, throw it off, wash his hands of it, or in any other way get rid of it. ecan only hope that the Professor, who holds him in such an unpleasant fix, will set to work as soon as possible to release him from his unenviable position. ete ee lg — or me P _ ea * ae r a raw" ot ayiizft iii | A - er > AT ELECTRO-BIOLOGY.—AN AMUSING EXPERIMENT UPON MR. BULL IN A PERBECTLY WAKEFUL STATE. Professor. —“ Tuzrz, Sin! Tuat’s a Lump or Sucar—you cay’t Move it, Sia; I pery you to Get Rup or Ir.” The Author of “Cato” and the Literary Fund. “The last Slave sold in England.” Appison—an unexpected and no less distinguished guest from | Our friend of Notes and Queries gives the following as an advertisement tne shades—attended the goon es dinner. ‘The ye Pee | | of the last slave sold in England, from the Public Ledger, Dec. 31, 1761 :— TENANT-CoLoNEL AppIsoN and the Dramatists” was drunk with | yo A Meclthy Nemo Gish sued shout 1X Yours: specks | great enthusiasm. The Author of Cafo—who it appears has entered | I py her slim enthon eth tase ~ — Soa ben J the service in Hades, being it seems Lieutenant-Colonel of a very | small-pox. dashing Plutonian corps, the royal “ Parnassian Greens ”’—acknow-| his is all very well, but quive a mistake as to the last slave offered ledged the toast in very stately blank verse; said he would inform | for sale in England. ‘The last slaves offered -for sale, and bought, were his distinguished friend Suaksreane—for he was permitted to call 4+ st Alban’s, or at Sudbury, and, if our memory do not fail us, some- | him is aro aoe conveyed, and would further com. | where about the time of the last election. It is expected that a few municate wit EAUMONT AND FLETCHER. poet—who not more wi ing dissoluti appear in his Elysian regi mentals—departed before cock-crow. will he put up at the ensuing aotion, A Recuiar Serrive Dowy.—We all know the awkward accident | A Warca tat cogs ox a Durticats Movement.—We know a that sometimes happens between two stools, and we therefore, medical stude nt, who when he alludes to his watch, calls it affectionately not surprised that the Ministry, between four seats, have | “ his poppit.” | nearly fallen to the ground.

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1H AL r \ Ha r 1 iS ocemael ow — ma a IVUA a N ATA Ae Wy) a fi J ~ - ht: Wig Aig = Fr, oo“, . Mar 22, 1352, ) 2) ny J) } Ps re) TT { Py 2o / 4 ui‘ ‘ Nn P ts a ~ WMP bunoh ap yy” oh ”] ore. ( pr? naevey ELL 2° Orpuy® ete . 7h Depp UWI fry buy MDA ———_——- wf a V9

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_ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 215 | , rably small, that I So 68 wt endo Rmaet WHAT I SAW, DID, THOUGHT, AND HEARD, DURING |as that in his button-hole, on a Gala TE w ee ee ee ee MY TRIP TO PARIS LAST WEEK. The bouquets on the evening of the Ball were much better managed, 7. quite as brilliant as the fireworks, and almost larger. Every lady, (From our own Special Penny-a- Liner.) upon entering, was presented with one. The same honour had been HER: j previously shown to the cannonsy~for, as a matter of eourse, no French TERE were collected on! Bali can go off well without # Cannon. The mouths of them | had been ee by a bunch of flowers, and it is to be regretted that benntiful soldiers th | French cannons cannot always be stopped in the same way. The _ T rs vy cy were: enthusiasm of this ball, about two o'clock, began to wax very sb ry mes i ‘tn be arm thanks mainly to the 24,000 candies whieh suspended about ouldn’t exactly like to be the frooms, and were cueing so prodigally, thet all the ladies whose in England, s ane — head-dresses consisted of real or artificial flowers, bad them suddenly Mn Con in d | transformed into wax. The fleor = also changed jnto a (laciarium, R, GOBDEN —¢ ‘o and, if skates had only been ready at hand—or rather, ready for the pod = rime Minister at the “other Scape des Pdlineurs have been executed "T “heard that Louis Na- % Torey bey ve been POLEON was to proclaimed Emperor, and that was all I did hear; for Feta ad tn al fer of “ Vive ? Empereur /” “ ” those from the soldiers, I =n er ctl ditt ayn Lo ~ never heard less enthusiasm | than I nor int that great amusement was created by a evinced by a multitude,— | cele aivemneer- -room in the greatest indignation, which was about the largest, | pon disooveriog that the person seated next to her was her /ingere, and I think, I have ever seen. cho-aeatiiiiaabent teammates ows denne. “ thought that Lovrs| "4 As for axle everything rolled on as smoothly, as quietly, as a | ew all pes poking very | ili -bail ; x for the west ber, i i had been ordered for the occasion it co not have ner; as for Paris, it never was gayer, or loo but this might have been owing to the dust, or the heat, or prolly | more beautiful; and as for Louis Napougon, I think that, beyond one the disappointment of the day. | or two casernes, not a person cares anything for him. I'am sure the I saw thousands and thousands of curious specimens of m = 0) Grand Phoque Américain, whieh I saw i ia the Champs Elysées, and countrymen (where they all came from [ cannot imagine) ; if a which is deseribed as being able “ to one any call that is made to uliar-looking D 4! by with an eccentric cap, or dog, or stick, | i k P heard say," Look at that original! oT wn) and to listen when spoken to, and to beg, and pan apndigeane cl the intelligence almost of a human being,” created he’s an “tn Englabman and in nineteen cases out of twenty the French- | b—, amongst the people at one of his two-sous performances, than man would have won his wager. vis Napo.gon did with all his soldiers, eagles, balls, and fireworks, I saw several British officers in full costume, and I thought that, , the whole four s. The fact is that, as fi I could see, handsome as their uniforms looked, they would have done much | > toe care ules "at all about Rhea Sy tolerate him as @ better to have kept them in their trunks at home. ln ecessury evil, much in the same way as we ° - Income Tax, I saw a body o ae a thousead priests leave the beautiful me ne the injustice of such a arrtene cannot last for long. never seen so many ugly men walk in a procession before. I am sure | night i in a cab, taking it by the overslept myself, there a be a law in France which drives all ugly children into the | % lodging iy and I was told this Church. For myself, I think the priests had no business at the /ée at a. y cheap, as coupe with the hotels. every one of which all; and from innumerable opinions | heard from the blouses and the | was full from As garrets down to the cellars. ‘This small item will rgeois, | am inclined to think that the people were of my opinion also. prepare you for the not very astonishing fact of my being here withost I saw a brace of Englishmen create, unconsciously, a deal of amuse- two sous im my t to jingle together, and that accordingly, I shall ment by carrying about with them, on their shoulders, a couple of | feel poe amet obliged by your remitting me the payment of this article, chairs, which had bou for 2 francs 10 sous each, on one of main the pe he -—_ T sfallowed the army round the Champ de ao thet I mag. no longer. re in 20 ungnolenel a predicament. Mars as well as they and, as often as a portion of it stopped, — — they stopped also, and, planting their chairs on the ground, viewed the —— ~ the of —, crowd, —— as any ne. THE LAST NEW FRENCH QUADRILLE, wich Fair, bore ——- the test rumour, ani e way for them as readily as if they had eae couple of chimney-sweeps, | ‘ Words for the Tune danced to before Lovrs Narotwon last Wednesday, simply ee . —7 these English are!” They _ in the Grand Court of Honour of the Military College.) never disturbed in their lofty positions: and, on one occasion, when the yo of the British chairmen abandoned his seat to a lady, the Come, come, we've swept up the ome act of gallantry was rewarded by a loud cheer, and cries of “ Bravo clean, good 4 / ” heard that these chairs were carried back in triumph to and exhibited as t trophies for the next two dazzled by the success of their first it on “yo evening of the fireworka. This - again, i regret to say, most ignominiously failed. The a But, ! jo the merry quadrille. chairs in their progress kept knocking off innumerable hats in the dar: “horus. op, caper, and jump ; and and pokia persons in the ribs; and, though this is a popular form, jig, trip it with me ; s, of caieecing enforcing a Joke, : still the good-natured Parisians did not Trump, eae -- = —_ em ene) te rea pee tare cetah: ” On coh eum somsed it lay im the of t of ac ne chair was wreste from its owner, and thrown over the parapet into the Seine ; and the other Dance oe din ge gp ee one, upon being pulled contrary ways, fell all to pieces like the joints om ith garlands emtwined, _ = th bout the dampest, I think, I wr the middle~tanco-—nover ind; t r ey were a the dam , have rome pet Probably, the few drops of rain that fell over- night aay en may have had something to do with this, but after al! the puffing, and So, content to.be p - all the blaze in the that had been made about them, never did —r- qomins Petrie 1” ——— off a wet blanket upon so large a seale before. | aeine, aii tc. @ have seen “ better display re the Surrey Zoological for a Op, skip, shilling The mob wouldn’t believe th ere over, and waited on the spot patiently for more than an hour , wondering when the : fireworks were really going to begin. There was, what was called,a| “Aww so say Ast or Us.”—Barervess says he prefers, any day of bouquet, and it was pretty enough as long as it lasted; but then it was! the week, a Hock Cup to the Hic-eup.

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a = m oe : a ae oie ( eietion: Tae genie ee ti eogneer ane ati | | Matelottes, and Faury’s Irish blottings—all old friends; not a’new | man, nor a new subject, nor a new rendering of an old one. Ee. TEMPUS EDAX RERUM. “Goon Gracious! Is tr Possiste*’—No! Yes! No!—Yes! Yes! sy Jcpirer, it’s 4 Grey Hair in my Favourtre Wuisker!” “OUR CRITIC” AMONG THE PICTURES. Tuat saddening period of the year has again arrived, when the Con- certs, and the May Meetings, pat gt British Artists, and the National Institute, and the Old Water Colours, and the New Water Colours, and the Royal Academy, all open their doors to the Public. _ The Spring may be as slow of coming as she will; the lilacs ma obstinately refuse to flower; the wretched peach-buds may expand, only to be nipped and perished to death; the East wind may persist in drying up our blood, and souring our tempers; but one Spring blossoming we are certain of—that painted growth which yearly comes out on canvas, and is 4rained, espalier fashion, against the walls of the Picture Exhibitions in this merry month of May. The worst of this crop is, that one always knows beforehand what it will be. Year after year, the old stocks bear the familiar fruits. Now | and then, it is true, a new slip may be planted, or a fresh idea grafted on to an old trunk. But what is one among so many ? Walk into the Old Water Colours, and what does one see there but the old hardy annuals P—Hvuwt’s bird’s-nests, and rose-buds, and plums, and primroses, and chubby aunty. boys, and apple-cheeked rustic maidens; Davrp Cox’s glooming Welsh hills, and breezy hay-fields, and solemn reaches of purple heath; Grorce Frirr’s rippling river- reaches, with eel-pots and locks, gray willows and wind-bowed poplars, or Dorsetshire sea-side rocks, and green Yorkshire wolds; Corey Frecprne’s lake prettinesses and steaming Sussex Downs; TorHam’s slatternly but sweet Irish lasses; CatTeRMOLE’s masteries of effect ; FREDERICK TAYLER’s horses and dogs, French horns, and laced coats ; Oak ey’s gipsies and Italian organ-grinders ; CaLtow’s sea-beaches and stranded hulls; Ricaarpson’s North Country moorlands, or sun-lighted Italian lakes; Branwuite’s frozen meres and broads; Jenxtys’s Boulogne Shrimpers; ALFRED Fatrr’s coppery beauties of | the Claddagh, or the Campagna; Dopeson’s avenues and water-gates ; | Cart Haac’s sun-steeped Contadine and purple horizons; Duycan’s boats and seas; TURNER’s water-lilied pools; Mrs. BarTHoLoMew’s dew Highland deer-stalkings—how one knows them all! How ingenuously they reappear, year after year—the same subjects, the same names, the | same places, the same prices, the same pretty faces at the private view, the same criticisms in the morning papers, the same little blue tickets in the same frames! : And as it is with the Old Water Colours, so it is with the New. There are the usual Warren’s Egyptians, and Hacue’s wondrous Netherlandish interiors, and Benwet’s oaks and ferns, and Davipson’s hedgerow elms and Surrey commons, and Corsovu.p’s clean-washed, cross-hatched, ice-creamed ladie panoramas, and Wr1Ga1’s cocks and hens, and Wenvert’s Germanized academics, and Miss Ecerton’s thought!u! faces, and Lee’s Portel PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. flowers; Mrs. Suarpe’s round-faced inanities; and Mr. Evans’s | and Vacuer’s azure Sicilian | As it is with water, so it is with oil. What is the use of catalogues? I know all your hands, gentlemen, from Zettrer’s slap-dash in Suffolk- strert to Macise’s gigantic missal-painting in the Academy. Why should [ pay a shilling extra for superfluous information ? There is one comfort, however, this year. I have not detected a single Discovery of the Body of Harold ; Vicars of Wakefield are by no means so abundant a crop as usual; and there is not a single Gi/ Blas in the field! I regret, however, to see that the walls are beginning to be overrun with cuttings from that prolific nursery-ground, Pepys’s Diary; and Goxiosmitn’s Life promises to become as dangerously fruitful a stock as his perennial Vicar has been hitherto. There is another comfort for me. I have this year experienced a new sensation at the Exhibition of the Royal Academy. And [ hasten to | record my sense of the obligation to Ma. Mrutats. I offer my hand to that Pre-Raphaelite brother. I bow down to him, and kiss the edge | of his palette. I have rapped him over the knuckles, in former years, with my pen. He is at liberty to return the compliment, this year, with his mau!-s‘ ick. Before two pictures of Mr. Mritats I have spent the happiest hour that I have ever spent in the Royal Academy Exhibition. In those two pictures I find more loving observation of Nature, more mastery |in the reproduction of her forms and colours, more insight into the | sentiment of our greatest poet, a deeper feeling of human emotion, a | happier choice of a point of interest, and a more truthful rendering of |its appropriate expression, than in all the rest of those eight hundred , | squares of canvas put together. | I owe the painter this acknowledgment of a great and enduring | |pleasure, and I rejoice to make it—not for myself only, but for the thousands who have felt as I felt before these pictures. I may be | jheretical. I cannot help it. R.A.s and A.R.As, I admire you—I | | Tespect you—| appreciate your skill; and I would gladly purchase your | works, if I could afford it. But for this year give me Mr. Mittais. He j has painted Ornexia, singing, as she floats to her death, with wide open unconscious eyes, gazing up to heaven. The woven flowers have escaped from her relaxing fingers, and are borne idly with the long mosses of the stream, past the Insh July vegetation of the river bank. The red-breast pipes on the willow spray, the wild roses give their sweetness to the summer air, the long purples peer from the crowding leaves, the forget-me-nots lift their blue eyes from the margin as she floats by, her brown hair drinking in the weight of water, and slowly dragging down the innocent face, with its insane eyes, till the water shall choke those sweet lips, now parted for her own death-dirge. Talk as you like, M‘Grup, eminent painter, to your friend Mr. | SqueNcu, eminent critic, about the needless elaboration of those mosses, and the over making-out of the rose-leaves, and the abomi- nable finish of those river-side weeds matted with gossamer, which the | field eld botanist may identify leaf by leaf. I tell you, I am aware of none | of these. I see only that face of poor drowning Ornetia. My eye | goes to that, and rests on that, and sees nothing else, till—buffoon as I am, mocker, joker, scurril-knave, street-jester, by trade and nature— the tears blind me, and I am fain to turn from the face of the mad girl to the natural loveliness that makes her dyi tiful. If a painter were ever pardonable for painting after a poet-—and such a poet-—Mr. MILttas may be forgiven for this picture of OpHeia. There is another work by the same hand—‘*A Huguenot, on St. Bartholomew’s day, refusing to shield himself from danger, by wearing the Roman Catholic badge.” The Roman Catholic lady and her Huguenot lover are standing under a garden wall. She has stolen out to meet him, and warn him of the danger. It has not been without doubt and hesitation that she has | nerved herself todo so. The petals of the flower she has plucked to | pieces in her tremor, are lying at his feet. Her passionate, earnest | |face, is turned up to his with the gaze of one that pleads for life, | |while her eager fingers try to fasten the white scarf round his | arm. He will not have it, and with a son force impedes her | tremulous effort. What do you read in his face? Love and pride, and | fearlessness, and a shade, perhaps, of incredulity. Some may find one \of these sentiments, some another, some all of them together, some none of them. This is the rare quality of the picture. It has many meanings—admits of various interpretations—may in divers ways. The moment is rightly chosen, when nothing is decided—when two fates hang trembling in the balance, and the spectator finds himself | assisting in a struggle, of which he may Law oye f the issue, as his sympathy with the love of woman or the strength of man happens to be strongest. Of this picture, also, I boldly say, as I said of the other, there is not a whit too much of nicety, or precision, or finish in the details and accessories. Here, again, what I first see, in spite of myself, is the subtle human emotion of those two faces. All the rest I may find out when I have satisfied myself with that. But it is not without an effort that I can turn from those faces to the flowers that grow at the lovers’ feet, or the creeper that mats the wall above their heads. , There is all that accuracy of eye and power of hand can do in these

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 217 pictures, but there is still more of thought and brains. The man who painted these ictures thought them out. Re ‘had a meaning to express, and he has expressed it. e felt his subject, and he makes me feel it. He cannot go on reproducing these pictures year after year, for the simple reason that the emotion and sentiment in iant each belongs to the icular subject, and to no other. He may paint as elaborate river banks, as true ach wall, ules i lush, and as real 2 sik dress, but the ape are not stereotype, and once conceived and painted, are conceived and painted or ever. To all R.A.s and A.R.A.s, whether their subjects be rustic or heroic, fanciful or historical, of the past or of the present, I say, go and do likewise.- Uniess you can give me a pleasure of the same kind as these pictures give me, you do nothing. Before them I commune with the painter’s thoughts; before your works | criticise — canvas. “ T. : 2 say it in no poy ou. same thing is true of your elders an your betters ; of many Italians and Flemings, whose pictures now fetch their weight in sovereigns, and are hung in high places. In you and in them I ise the triumph of skill, and the perfection of imita- tion. But here I see skill imitative power subservient to thought, and embody- ing it with a power equal to the best of you. have now the honour, Gentlemen, to bid you good-bye till next week. , JP E read that a Frenchman WY “hs: lately introduosd:aato called a Diurnal Refheetor, which is intended to dn- has brought bis Diurnal Reflector to England, in- stead of trying to intro- duce it in Paris; for, in the latter city no Diurnal Reflections are Several newspapers have already been suppressed in France for acting as Diurnal Reflectors, and there could, of course, be no hope for any one desirous of throwing light upon thabewhieh is dark at the French seat of Govern- ment. We have no doubt of the walue of the invention, and as the price is moderate, we recommend the article*toevery one who wishes for an aid to daily reflection. These reflectors are recommended chiefly for those places in whieh bad construction impedes the light ; but we presume they will be of little use in those instances where, putting the very best construction upon them that we can, the black look is not to be got over. We may, perhaps, recommend their adoption in the Court of Chancery, where, if they can throw a light many of the dark doings of that dismal abode, the Diurnal Refi ctors tpenbove all Price, and above all Price’s candies. a THE ELEPHANT TO THE RIGHT HON. BENJAMIN DISRAELL “ Srn,—While serenely munching my carrot in my paddock here, Zoological | Gardens, Regent’s Park, I looked over the shoulder of a visitor, deep in your speech—(upon which, Bensamix, you were beaten) —touching the present to made of the four sea‘s in Parliament taken from Sudbury and St. Alban’s. You said, with a sneer, some persons might suggest that representation might be given, among other bodies, to the Zoological Society. “ Sir, I accept the sneer; and am readyite contend that no body is so poly am | of representation in the Commons House of Parliament as the body Zoolo Of course this assertion will be placed 40 my vanity, my selfishness. Sir, 1 above the littleness.of finesse; I ‘have mo (fdise modesty ; my skin does not admit of a blush (a fact that, politically consitlered, must have its advantages). And I at once allow that, representation. beimggiven to our Gardens, I, the Elephant, am the individual with overpowering claims upon the constituency. There is, I believe it, not a marmozet that would not give me his vote: | say give it; at which let electors of St. Alban’s and Sudbury blush till they are as red in the face as the red-faced, azure-seated baboon. es “Sir, nature made me the brute model of the human politician, the biped statesman. In the first place, | am grave—very grave; none of my family, from the first elephant that plucked his own first fan from the palms of Eden, was ever known to make a joke: I am serious, heavy. Some of my tribe may have danced— so did onee an English Chancellor—but wit I despise. The nearest approach toa joke ever perpetrated by any of us was, when an ancestor of mine, in a frolicsome | moment, stamped out the bowels of a too familiar keeper: the only practical Witticism we have upon record. ae “But, Sir, look at my trunk. Does it not, in its structure, represent the very this country an tor, vest dark places with the: light of day. Wedo wonder that the inv philosophy of statesmanship? Contemplate, ponder, the organic delicacy of that trunk; exquisitely made to do nothing in a straight line. Whether I am to pick up a | Pm, or to uproot an oak, I can in no way attempt either achievement but by a “wist. Now, Sir, as a man—a Cau- casian—and a CHANCELLOR OF THE Excuxquer, in this inevitable twist, have we not the time-honoured uses of all polities ? a not a curve of beauty the curve hae P “ Again, Sir, at any time, carry & W ouse on my back—no small advantage to one who would fain be a Minister, but who is at this present writing, “ Yours, Only Aw Ecgpuayr. “P.8. I will not brag about purit me, that is all. i told. that Watrore has said, I am every man has his price. Well, every Elephant has his calkes and oranges.” THE CHANCELLOR OF THE @RCHEQUER’S MEASURE.—A QUERX, ‘To so, much its a And this may, : id, That it proved ou are agliemenonsts, And possess’d of a decent “ chalk head.” But facts can be cleverly strung, And statements with neatness combined, By many a voluble tongue, The tool of a versatile mind. You talk very finely—could we With talking alone be content ; But what I am waiting to see, My buck, is your power to invent. Pzex’s scheme has work’d well, you admit ; That system ean you supersede ? Bring forward a better than it, And [’|| own you are clever indeed. But glibly howe’er you may talk, To render such praise I refuse ; If all you can do is to walk In his steps whom you used to abuse. Improve that course, still, if you can, you may no better devise ; And [’Il own you a sensible man, If not superhumanly wise. But look not for credit imm For just plainly stating the si Of truth, whieh, if you’ve common sense, You knew all the while you denied. Sa No Compromise—Neo Surrender. Comrromis® is the great principle in the affairs of the British nation, says the Eant oy Densy. There in how- ever, Lop x should remember, a species of com- promise that won’t do. That is to say, is such a thing as compromising a felony, and any compromise that a ves robbing the people of their bread is very much ike it. Another Problem Solved. Some persons have expressed surprise that though we have a Royal Academy of Painting and Seulpture, and a Royal Academy of Music, neither of these Royal Academies | has any extraordinary renown reflected upon it by any of its pupils. We can only regard the fact as an itlseteation of the truth of the old saying, that there is no al Road to learning, and the Arts are not to be app yal : Royal Road more easily than any other object of study. |

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PUNCH. ‘OR THE LONDON CHARTVART. |

ee ae ron igen wer ee ee . " wiv 718

LOUIS NAPOLEON SOLOMON! | THe Arcustsnor or Panis—and churchmen never flatter '—has placed the Prestpent in a lel with Soromoy. es It was given for Sotomon to build and consolidate more bi] than Davin: it is reserved for Louis Napoteow to do more i | than the mere Narotgzow. Well, Sovowon had his gifts of peacocks ; SoLomow NaPo.eow has his t of an eagle: “y here it is; an eagle offered him by the Wench dow, on his visit to the banquet prepared for bhim— li— “ An enormous ea whose wi and an = talons of ore pital the apen of = nae shantaden ansiioien of - of the b 8 of pe H 8.” eth Not one of SoLomon’s peacocks was much like this bird— i : a bird that, with its carnivorous propensities, would eat how sora many bodies on a bat*le-field? For this was the very eagle bee 7 that took its supper at Austerlitz—the v ie that, once tiga : upon a time, settled upon the cliff at ogne, gazed and sal i | screamed across the ocean— an and then, dept i ‘turned its tail of sabres, expanded its sabre wings, and flew with another way. Par tibi, says the Archbishop to the French gene Army—and the French Army offer an eagle of sabres, and 1 pistols, and percussion-locks, as a responsive peace-offering! navit Mr. / as hi pr Precious Metal and Precious Mess. a be = Ow1ne to the attractions of the Australian diggings, the nigh es | shepherds of the whole country are deserting their flocks, the iS ‘and it is to be feared that the consequence will be the -_ is | destruction of the sheep. Abundance of gold itself will thus Nan | be the cause of distress; and unless something is done to et = jremedy this state of things, we shall soon experience a _ — =| | peculiar and unpleasant illustration of the present “Great aes — lery and little wool.” on gow | mist . | ane | | Wa | | We is it HIGHLY INTERESTING. po : ae “ Seen ruat Party Latecy!?” she “Wauat! tHe Party with tHe Woopen Lea, as come wirn—” Bus iF ; “No, no—not THat Party. Tse Party, rou Know, as—” thir “On! An! I know tue Party you mzan Now.” of t } “ Watt! a Party totp mx as He can’t AGREE WITH THAT OTHER Party, anp for i HE SAYS THAT IF ANOTHER Party can’t BE Founp To MAKE IT ALL SQUARE, HE son : SHALL LOOK ovuT FoR a Party aS WILL.” (And so on for half an hour.) sha hs : hea HONOURABLE AMENDS TO SIR HARRY SMITH. the ; We have been requested to publish the subjoined apology, as a model of one which she { is certainly due :-— y ap 8 @@ihereas I, Henny G. Grey, otherwise Eart Grey, lately of the Colonial as | ; Office, Downing Street, did, out of a mean anxiety to avert from the Whig ad- | mo \' : ministration odjum which it had incurred in & great measure from the management | *4 of that department of it over which I presided, write a most ungenerous and | the Peis unjustifiable letter to Stk Harry Smitu, late Governor of the Cape of Good Hope, | abc hg recalling him from his office, and accusing him of having failed in showing foresight, thi energy, and judgment: I hereby offer the said Str Harry Suitn a Pusttc and axe Hompte Apo.ocy for the same. I freely confess that [| did not know what he I was writing about when I made those charges against Sia Harry Smits, Sa which, according to the Duxe or WELLINGTON, were wholly unfounded, and am ‘ very sorry | did not ask the opinior of that il!ustrious Commander before expressing ab myself to the prejudice and dishonour of a gallant officer, on a subject whereon Co I was not qualified to form an opinion. I beg Sra Harry Sarrs to forgive me the my unhandsome behaviour, to which I was dr ven by the fear of losing office a'cne, to and which I should never have been guilty of if I had not expected he would fail, Ca but which, now that he has succeeded, | sincerely repent. Having made this’ 4 Bottle, llown at the Punch Office from Fragments go public acknowledgment of my error, | entreat Srx Harry Sarru will use his of the Glass of the Crystal Palace be influence to prevent my hearing anything more on the subject, whether in the 7 — a ‘ | Ph House of Lords or in Punch, = Witnesses mg (Signed) Grey. Jonathan and Japan. at sag aie . | Ir is said that the American Expedition to Japan wi! | tend to the civilisation of that country’s inhabitants. But Sic rrurn ap Astra.—The celebrated Arnaco has resigned his office as director | will not conveying polish to Japan, be something like of the French Observatory, rather than take the oath of fidelity to the French | carrying coals to Newcastle ? And should any resistance Dictator. This noble act is a proof that Louis Narotzon’s lucky star is not among| be offered to Jonatuay, is he not rather likely to take the those that the honest astronomer can recognise. } shine out of the Japanese ?

Printed by William Bradbury, of No. )3, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 7, Chureh Row, Stoke Newington, both in the County of Printers, et (be J Offce in Lombard Stect,in the Preeinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Publieted by them at No. « Fleet Street,in the Parish of St. Bride’s, in the City of London.—Satunpar, May 22nd, 1°.

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wv vv = PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARITVARI. GOLD IN ENGLAND. (PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL !) [FROM AN UNCONSCIOUS CORRESPONDENT. ] “ Bustard Inn, Salisbury Plain, May (Date not legible). “Dearest Exiza, “| nave now been here a week, and it is all truer and truer— all—all—that Roegr declared to us. All—but say nothing. Say nothing, my treasure, but only think what you’! have! A door-scraper ff gold—a knocker of the virgin metal—whatever you will, only be a voman, and, as long as youcan, keep the secret; for any way it won’t last This morning the BisHopor* * * arrived with a pickaxe, a cradle, and a Mackintosh sack. It is now only four o’clock, and he has returned to the inn to salmon and lamb-chops (people can’t be par- ticular here) to dinner, with five-and-twenty ounces. But so it is—ALL SALISBURY PLAIN, tHe wore spreapra or It, and as for the depth, NOBODY PRETENDs To FATHOM IT—IS ONE MASS OF GOLD, with just a thin coat of green grass over it! When this fact becomes generally known in London, won’t the City be a wilderness! Already, 1 can count ten distinguished stockbrokers in Guernsey-frocks, navigators’ overhauls, and gutta-percha wide-awakes. Our neighbour, Mr. Urntanh MuckMaAmMMON—you know he had left home an a visitation, as his wife said, having a call at the Land’s End—well, here he is, with a beard as long as a prophet’s, in a suit of doeskin, and sleeping out at nights in a tent, with saddle-bags full of gold-dust for a pillow. When | the news has fairly got wind, I dread to think on the skrimmages that ll happen. “Wonderful are the ways of fate! Here has Salisbury Plain been growing gold for thousands of years—for I’m told it takes at least five | vundred years to grow an ounce of scale-gold, whilst two or three thousand, at least, go to the raising of nuggets—(a nugget, my precious, is a lump of virgin ore, about as big as a respectable potato)— here has been this very Plain, with the Druids in their white linen gowns (as you once saw ’em at Covent Garden in Norma), cutting their mistletoes and performing their church-service, with never so much as a notion of the glory that was under ’em. “ As it pours with rain, and | ’ve done my thirty ounces to-day, I will snatch a few minutes from Piurus to give to the wife of my bosom. Well, I han’t told you how the goid was first found out—but this is it. “Mr.* * * (as the post’s no longer safe from here, I don’t name some names), a most respectable lawyer of Salisbury, much given to sheep, if only for their parchment, used to come up here to stay at the Bustard, and to take his walks and contemplations on the Plain, thinking, no doubt—for he has the credit of being uncommon serious— of this world and the others. for sheep, was partic’larly struck with one biack-faced wether; that somehow would look at Mr. * * * * just as his late partner (a very sharp egg but now defunct) used to look across the desk, in his office and bus’ness-hours, right at him. There is among heathen people a notion that some folks that die come back to this world again, upon all fours, as beasts. Well, Ma.* * * * looking in the black face of that wether—only his fancy, of course—did think the sheep a striking likeness to his partner. But when the wether went bolt up to a lump or boss in the ground, and kept licking and licking it, and looking up and looking up in the face of Mn. * * as to say, ‘how nice,’ and with precy look and every smack of the mouth, looking more and more like the the midst of stone, with the grass licked clean off it. Well, being above the greed of gold thing, goes back to the axe , with which he picks off a lump of about twenty pound, which he puts in his handkerchief, and takes back with him to his room in| Salisbury, still saying nothing. “The next day,one of the Canons of the Cathedral callson Mn.* * * *| | about Church bus’ness. (Four boys had been put in the Ecclesiastical Court for playing at shove-halfpenny in the Cloisters.) Well, there lay the lump of yellow st to him it was shining lumber—nothing better. | Canon, surprised out of himself, ‘ why, that’s a lump of gold—yea, gold of Ophir!’ ‘ Not of Ophir,’ says the simple-minded attorney, | because I knocked it off with a pickaxe from a Gieeer lump on the rua. * Bless og = the ber byw pn a d os a the lain, — * simple lawyer; ‘but as for gold, why, that’s impos- sible.’ ‘ Well, now I Mn. * * * *, as I’ve said, having a fancy | * * as much | aforesaid late partner,—Mx. | * * * * followed the sheep, and saw a lump of bright yellow stuff in| Mr. * * * *, just for the curiosity of the | Bustard, and says nothing, but borrows a pick- | ow stuff, Mn. * * * * thinking nothing about it; for | “Hallo,” says the | nothing more than pyrites of iron, with mica, schistus, rag, rubble, and a dash of pudding-stone.’ ‘I know nothing of these things,’ said the awyer; and remembered that he’d got a particular to forget it, he couldn’t tell) with his Lo case of braw in ch must for a day or two Canon stand over. The very next morning, a man as li on as with the Canon’s two thumbs are like one another—was seen * donkey and panniers, a pickaxe, and a spade, taking their way like two pilgrims across lain. a whole week Canon’s knocker was tied up with an old black kid-jeather fore, and straw laid down afore the door; he was so dreadful ill with jaundiee, Then another Canon fell sick; and then another; then a Prebend, and then a Dean; that, anybody not in the secret, wi have thought the whole established Church of Salisbury was in, the hands of the doctors! 219 | to look out some papers; whereupon the Canon | intment (how he ’d come | hip the Bishop; and so the | ureh, otherwise the case of shove-halfpenny, | Kor | But not a bit of it—every | one of ’em, for all the muffled knockers and the straw—every one of | "em was perspiring away on Salisbury Plain, as if they were turning up potatoes of virgin gold at the diggings! “ And still the secret leaks out, and every hour brings new arrivals. You can’t think who’s here dressed for the mines. In the paper you sent me I read that ——, and ——, and twenty other M.P.s, had ‘paired off;’ yes—and here they are, with not even the time to = themselves, rocking their es, and bringing up thumping ortunes. “ T’ve done very well—altozether about 1000 ounces of virgin ore: [ hope to make the 1000 ounces 10,000 before the Plain gets ‘ul! wind, when, I take it, the rush will be dreadful. At present it’s cer'ain that Ma, Disragit knows nothing about it, or wouldn’t he dissolve Parlia- ment? 1 hate slander; but the Kanu or D**ny was said to be laid up last week with the gout; and yet, such is the malice of liuman nature, when hungry for gold, a miner—a tall, fiery-looking man—was yesterday poin out to meas the noble Karl—his valet doing the part of his master in London in his flannels. By this you may imagine the state of morals that gold has brought usto! If gold is the root of evil, England will be fuller and fuller of wickedness ! | “The day before yesterday there was a dreadful riot. A barrister of | high standing (a real Q.C.) was charged with entering the tent of | Doctor , a Prebend of St. ——, London, and stealing from the | gold bags of the Reverend Gentleman, who showed fight with a courage, | as a brother divine and miner observed, worthy of the cause. “ All things are getting dreadfully dear, which has brought down upon us a crowd of suttler-women, who wish to pass themselves off as the lower orders. But it won’t do; there’s more than one born lady who sells rum to the miners at half-a-sovereign a glass; whilst champagne has gone off at two ounces the bottle—the corks drawn by an Karl’s daughter! “Gambling is beginning to show its hydra-head. Three M.P.s (L won’t name names, but they are all pairers-off) have started a table with pea-and-thimbles ; and, call as you will, there is ”o police. “Since [ began my letter—for L’ve been called away a dozen times— one entire side of Holywell Street has arrived; and 1 hear all the Minories may be expected to-morrow. j “In another month, and London will be a skeleton dy. In the meanwhile, I shall trust in fate and my pickaxe, and am off for an hour or two, before night sets in, to rock my cradle. “ Your affectionate Husband, 1 and—assured of the treasure that will turn up—have determined to | blast Stonehenge to-morrow.” Mr. Punch gives this letter as communicated to him at the last |moment before going to press. Hence, Mr. Punch has not time to verify, or disprove, any of the statements made by the writer; but Mr. Punch cannot refrain from calling upon the philosophic mind of London to endeavour to imagine the moral revolution—the topsy- | turviness of all respectability, the chaos of all time-honoured conven- tionalities, that would inevitably take place—were it to be discovered that Salisbury Plain was really and tangibly a Plain of Gold! Mr. Punch must be permitted to shudder at the consequences to London morals and London society. look again,’ says the Canon, ‘it’s rubbish—yes, A Shower of Benedictions. Last week the Archbishop of Paris was blessing a bundle of Ragles and Flags,—this week he has been busy blessing a heap of busts of the Prestpent. If this shower continues, Lovis Naroxzon will find the | French Church quite a Blessing. Consoling. Tue Electors of St. Alban’s are but little affected by the loss of their franchise. They consider that their Borough has caused so deep an —e in the House, that the Government cannot fail to re- ember i VOL, XXIL. “PS. Three Members of the Archwological Society have arrived ;

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y “| say, MisteR, sust PuT us up a CouPLe or Green Wells, WILL yer? Uncommon DisaGREZABLE A-DRIVING DOWN TO Hersom! ” mae a NIN ile , yg a= LZ —J —— | THE INCOME-TAX NEVER | DIES. Tue Income-Tax is carried on from year to y over by one Par. liament to another—with most mono- \| » | tonous regularity. Such has been the thy tl > | case with the Tories, who gave it to | | | the Whigs, who returned it again to ' pili "| the Tories, who have now voted it -~ —- for another year, to be handed hack onee more, probably, to the Whigs. | The next Parliament will open busi- | ness with the Income-Tax, left it asa |legacy by its r—and we | wish it joy of its succession. This Ri//f | succession, moreover, bids fair to be Wal) an endless one, and to descend from Wi | generaticn to generation, like a pre- AQNE. | cious heirloom. It seems to be like ‘aks | those interminable tales which we read \ |—or rather, some one reads—in the f )» | Magazines, and which go on for years, | never seeming to come to an end. By. the-bye, it would not form an inappro- | priate Finis to the act that is published | every year for the continuation of the | Income-Tax, if there was always ap- | pended ‘at the end of it the time-ho- | noured notice that is generally pinned on to the end of every Magazine tale :— “ To be continued in our next.” \\\ yo Ni cant! ii} Vea "ath th, u - LA iin " iN | Generous Fee tine.—Out of econ. sideration to the feelings of the Pro- tectionists, since their cause has been abandoned by the CHANCELLOR OF THE ExcuequeR, the Director of the Royal Italian Opera has discontinued for the present the successful performances of The Martyrs. Taz Dust 1s so MISS VIOLET AND HER “ OFFERS.” —_——_ CHAPTER IX. T wowpzR why it is considered proper to make some apology for being at Epsom on the Derby day. Nobody ever seems inclined to a’mit that the attractions of a lively day, and a fine sight, are satis- factory reasons for going down, and it appears as necessary to have a correct excuse for seeing the races as a correct. card of the horses that run them. 1 was quite amused with the various justifications which I heard offered by all sorts of people the last time we went down, which was last year. I do not think papa cared about providing himself with an excuse, but if we had wanted one, we might have said, se/on /es regies, that Aunt Hester had come up from Wales with her two daughters; her husband, Mr. De Srrinegas, who is a country lawyer, having been obliged to stay in London to answer some election-petition accusations. 1 think he was charged with having returned his man by bribing the chambermaid of the hotel, where twenty of the opposite voters were imprisoned, to fill all the jugs in the bedrooms with whiskey instead of water; and the consequence was, that on the day of poll, every one of the twenty was found in a state of stupefaction, and | incapable of even muttering the name of the gentleman they ought to have supported. I think, too, Uncle De Staincas was suspected of having got up a panic, which caused arun upon the country bank where the enemy’s funds had been deposited ; so that the bankers were obliged to pay to depositors the money intended for bribing, and two days were lost. before any fresh supplies could be sent down from the Pall Mall Club. 1 know that his talents are very highly esteemed in his oer. and Aunt Hester always wears a beautiful emerald and pear! brooch, presented to her by the neighbouring gentlemen, in commemoration of Uncle’s spirited behaviour, when the Speaker of the House of Commons was reprimanding him for violently tearing all the si off the petition against his friend. He is the most good-natured, kimd- | believe, saw exactly how matters were, and once when hearted creature in the world, and I am sure that, on the Downs, you might have heard his laugh from the hill to the Grand Stand. My cousins, Katz and Louisa, are both pretty girls, on rather a large scale, and perhaps with a little too much of that swing and saucy manner which grows upon girls who are made a good deal of in smail circles. But when they come into the world they are shy, almost to stiffness, until they—what they are pleased to calli—“ know ” a person, and then they say anything and everything that comes into their heads. | afternoon, They are dear girls, both of them, and have as good tempers as their papa, and sometimes laugh nearly as loudly, As for Aunt Hesrtea, she only lives for two things—to make her family happy, and to copy all the riddles she can meet with into the fly-leaves of a great old copy of Fox’s Book of Martyrs, and on the backs of the painful pictures. When we were visiting her, papa altered the inscription under one of the engravings, and made it read, “ Mr. J%°- Jones cruelly whip’d by Bisnop Bonner, for refusing to reveal why a kitten in walnut- shells was like the General Post Office.” Our carriage was moored ‘nearly opposite the Grand Stand, in an excellent place, (where I dare say we shall be seen while Little Harry and Claverhouse are running), and everybody came to ~~ to us between the races. ALBANY, you may. be sure, was down before we were, and rendered moat y waluable service, getting the carriage into the front, suggesting all kinds of elever arrangements for lunch, keeping vigilant guard over us, and driving away all the sullen-looking people who come to snatch the shawls, parasols, and handkerchiefs, while the owners are watching the runnmg. even got rid of the gipsies in shorter time than anybody else could, and yet without flying ntoa rage. Besides, he named the horses to- us as they eantered to the starting-place (though. I do not believe we, or one person in a thousand, recognised any one of the creatures as came rushing hack), arranged sweepstakes between each race, and told us who had won almost the instant the thing was over. was in capital spirits, and his straightfo frank, manner showed to great advantage, as the dra and loungers, and men pretended to be used up, arrived, one after another. As for my cousins, they Tania te esiiociot A nothin: tet eal cat to, Mam 10 being: be OUISA, iD icular, di i ou im to bri r r tothe other thing, the this, and to tell her that, and to help But h he that he gave her much encouragement, and he contrived to be on my side of the carriage quite as much as was necessary. AuNTY Hzsrtex, [ Lovisa was erying out, “O, Mn. SweLtrveron ! you mast come here this instant and tell me something,” she said, “1 think, dear, you might as well let Mr. Swettiserow alone.” _ And then she looked straight at me for a moment, with a very quiet little smile, and the next moment pretended to be very deep in the advertisements on the back of Mr. Doruiye’s card. I knew that she had too much good sense to say anything, but I was in ~~ fear lest one of my riotous cousins should shout out what in country | a \_— eee De ea 5

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z ven hey call “hints,” but which sound like most awkwardly plain-speaking in ndon. “ Here, Viowet, here comes another of your Jeans,” (I could never cure the country girls of that word,) cried Karz, giving me a push, as little Sin Finegan Mezrvyy, of the Grenadier G came up, looking dreadfully hot, but greatly with himself for something he had achieved. “ How de doo?” he asked ; “ delightful day ! yes—I can’t raise my bat, I’m sorry to say, because it ’s full of Napoleons, and pincushions, and money-boxes, which would come raining over my shoulders. Great knocking down ! tremendous ! —T'hank you very much; it looks as if ithad been invented expressly to meet my emergency.” This latter acknowledgment referred to a green glass of Hock, with a piece of Wenham Lake ice in it, which papa handed down, compassionately, to Sim Finca. “You are the real original good Samaritan, Mx. Bnompron,” said the British Grenadier, as he gave the glass to the servant; “and | won't be ungrateful, because ingratitude is unbeseeming and agg And he stooped very low to take off his hat without dropping its contents. “ There, Miss Brompron, do me the favour to accept a lemon—1 kn him over with my first stick, winning a sovereign thereby from ATHANasiUS Bueat, the barrister, who may be a very good barrister, but shies precious bad. Permit me to offer your friends the following trifles from Epsom ; namely, one jack-in-the-box, one—— “Sim Frscat Mervyn, aunt,” | said, for I saw the girls were eager to secure some of the Grenadier’s spoils. “ Just so,” said Sir Finca, addressing her in the most good-humoured but grave way ; “ and pray, let me present to you thisexemplary bodkin-case—substantial, rather than showy, perhaps. ‘l'o you (this was to Kare) this distinguished-looki pincushion—observe the red and gold—and to you (this to Louisa) this unparall money-box : notice the real brass around the hole. And now I must go and give the rest to the Banongss Fonrarasia, because she is going to take me to town. And so, good-bye, with the same apology as before for not taking off my hat. How are you, Anpawy? Want to do anything?” “| never bet, now,” said Mn. Swe.iineton, very composedly. “ But you are all wrong, as you ’|l find in a few minutes, for there goes the bell to clear the course.” “ Put us up, there’s a good one, if you’ve heard anything,” said the Grenadier, very earnestly. “ You always——” ALBANY hastily whispered something, which sent the officer away with a hasty step and a blank face; and as soon as he was gone, Kate and Louisa began to Fe | did not obey. ail et ht a eh Oe ne PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIL 221 We made up cur sweepstakes for the great race, and Atpany’s hat being duly shaken, we all drew; Louisa hesitating a long time at dewina, teasing ALBaNy to draw for her, and, finally, snatching a , with the appropriate sentiment, “ Weil, here’s luck ! B f forget what my number was, but ALBany asked to see it, and I showed it him, upon which he nodded with evident pleasure, and told me to put it away in mylemon. Upon this, Louisa, to please him by taking his hint, put her paper unopened into her money-box, and, of course, never knew what she had drawn. Then came the time of suspense, broken only by the regular incidents of the people who will cross the course, and are sent back unless they can dodge the policemen; and of the dog, whose nerves must be shaken for the whole follow- ing year, by the frightful yelling which the rabble raise as he runs down the line. One really almost hates creatures who are of making such noises, and for such a purpose. And came the false alarm, and then the cry, taken up instinctively by thousands upon thousands; and then the knew the name o have not the least interest inthe event. What these rushing moments must be to a man who has a quiet home far away, with a gentle, sorrowful wife, and poor little children in it, and all their money in the world staked upon those maddening horses, I am afraid to think. ALBany will never bet again— though I am sure | do not know why [ write that here. of us with opera-glasses ; wy had so posted him- and defied one’s powers of memory—blue cap and yellow body’s colours for all I could recollect, Another moment pounds, all over the kingdom, had changed owners. “What’s the number, ALBany?” said papa, trying to bring his telescope to bear upon the great figure they were hanging out. “Miss BromPTow has it in her lemon,” said Ma. ALBawy. And to my surprise, the next moment he sprang from the + | “Of mine!” said my aunt, in great surprise. # which are not exactly lost,” said ALBANY, carriage, div under another, and presently came out, dragging a savage-looking man, buttoned up to the neck, | and with no rim to his hat. The man strove to get away, but clearly had not the slightest chance. ALBANY brought him up to the carriage. eé were all standing up in and about the carri in- | tently watching the race, paps with a telescope, and some | and ALBA instants of ge ys excitement even to those who scarcely | asingle horse in the struggle, and certainly | self, that there was certainly no danger of my falling. Round | rushed the horses, pattering and thundering, and a shifting | mass of shining silks, of various colours, confused the eye, | sleeves, and purple cap and white sleeves, and green cap and | ultra-marine sleeves—each might be anybody’s and every- | or two, and all was over, and hundreds of thousands of | “Something of yours, Mus. De [Srarncas, this person | | has to return.” | not lost anything.” 4 “ He is one of those ingenious people who find things “ Produce it, my man.” The man scowled, and shook back his head sulkily, but “As you please,” said Anpany. “This way, then.” And holding his prisoner with a firm grasp, he drew him | from the carriage, when an apparition ap- some paces It was | proached which changed the plans of the captive. >!a mounted policeman, who, at ALbany’s signal, came galloping up. “T have | “ All is serene, Sir,” said the prisoner, putting something | , and darting off at a rapid eld, but was soon defeated by the artful manceuvres of | the culprit. | “No matter,” said Arnany, putting what he had re- 'Govered into Aunt Hester's hand. “You must have | oeeped it, when standing on the edge of the carriage, 1 ' saw bim dive.” ; It was the beautiful emerald and pearl brooch which had | been given as a testimonial to my Uncle’s noble and spirited conduct in the election business. ‘To think that such a | reward of virtue should fall into the hands of an unprincipled person! Papa discoursed very curiously upon this to ALBANY, as we came home from the Derby. One or Tus Gaeatest “Taxes ow KwowLepor.”— Having some half-dozen hungry young fellows of your saateh at one another's presents, each declaring the other had got the best, and that] aequaintance dropping seriatim into your carriage at junch- |S was ajshame, and the way she was always served. time on the Derby day. ~ into ALBaNY’s hand; and in an instant slipping from his | ! The officer gave |

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’ eS sateen ~S arene! ve —_ cages 222 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL . EQUALITY OF NAMES. Y great ingenuity our zetetic and antiquarian con- temporary, Noles and Queries, de- rives the very plebeian name of Sxooxs from the rather pa- trician one of SEVENOAKS. We can under- stand how the one degenerated into the other. Sevewoaks, Se’noaks, Snoaks, Snooxs. No doubt many another name may have been corrupted in the same way, and, vulgar as it is thought now, may be traceable to the root of a high family tree There is Booerss. hat evidently comes from Burcoynz. As thus: Burcoyne, KuRGOYNE’s (the son of BurcoyNE), Burcons, Buecons, Buceins. What confirms this view, is the fact that we find Hicerys, a cognate patronymic, in the transition state—like a frog with a tail, not quite changed from tadpole—spelt Hiccons, in course of decline from Hueo; as Huco, Hueo’s, Hucows, Huccons, Hiccons, Hicerns. From the same origin is also manifestly derived Hucuins—formed in some particular instance instead of Huccons from Hucons. There can | be little question that Brown comes from Brrow or Byxow ; and that not very remotely—Byxon, B’ron, Brown. Brices may easily be deduced from Mowsnay. One of the early Mowzrays, who could read and write imperfectly, spelt his name Mowzrac, confounding y with @. A descendant of his, very subject to influenza, used to call himself BowpraG. In course of time, an elision occurred, first of the w, making BopraG, and then of the o, reducing the name to Brac, with two B’s; as that of Frencu is sometimes written Fraencu. subsequent member of the family, who was not a man of letters, struck off a B, and cut it down to BraG: another, more addicted to letters than literature, added a G, and made it Brace. By the conversion of a vowel, it became Brice: lastly, some gentleman bearing it, who rejoiced in the genitive case or the plural number, put an s to it: and thus Mowpray sunk, through various stages of decadence, into Bricos. In the same manner, it would not be very difficult to trace Port up to PLANTAGENET, These considerations show that there is not so much difference be- tween the Nobility and the Mobility as the former imagine: and further, that the Snooxses and Briceses, and other individuals of the people, may boast, with truth, of the very longest pedigrees, inasmuch as it has required many generations for such names as Baiccs and Snooxs to descend from Sevenoaks and Mowsray. STARVATION FOR THE DELICATE, Tat exquisite young officer, Cartan Ganpaw, was reading a newspaper, when his brilliant eye lighted on the following passage in a letter which had been written to the journal by Mra. Mecui, on the subject of “ Irrigation.” I may be thought rather speculative when I anticipate that within a century from this period, the sewage from our cities and towns will follow the lines of our lines of railway, in gigantic arterial tubes, from which diverging veins will convey to the eager and distant farmer the very essence of the meat and bread which he once pro- duced at so much cost.’ “ Fancy,” remarked the gallant Captain, “the sewage of towns and cities being the essence of owa bwead and meat—and of beeaw too of | cawse, as beeaw is made from gwain' How vewy disgasting ! Mr. | Mecui expects that his ideas will be thought wathaw speculative. He flattas himself. They will only be consida’d vewy dawty. The wetch! | shall be obliged to abjaw bwead, and confine myself to Iwish potatoes —which are the simple pwoductions of the awth—and avoid ali animal food but game and fish, And when fish and game are not in season, | shall be unda the necessity of westwicting my appetite to “ A sewip with hawbs and fwuits supplied, And wataw fwom the spwing.” Gold and the Looking-Glass. LreuTeNnant-CoLtoneL Munpy—in his capital book, Our Antipodes —tells us that quicksilver was in such demand for the Bathurst mines, to fix the metal, that old looking-glasses were bought up, and their “silver lining” scraped off, There is nothing new even at the An- tipodes! For how often has Beauty employed the quicksilver of her giass, and only for the purpose of “ fixing” so much gold? “Notice or Motion.”—A Railway Time-table. Ls UNREPORTED ILLUMINATIONS, | | THe Illuminations in honour of Her Masesry’s birthday were this | year of a more significant character than the reader of Mg Roweyenen 1s perhaps aware. Our contemporaries, it is true, have their accustomed two columns to their usual report, but we have sufficient | reason to believe that theirs is by no means what Mr. Dogiine would | term a “‘ correct list.” We have long suspected, indeed, that these two columns were mere annual os ot and wishing distinctly to ascertain the fact, we this year st: a special Penny-a-liner of our | own, with instructions to spare no expense in cabs to obtain the fullest, | truest, and most particular account. And we now fearlessly challenge the entire press to show “copy” of the following items, which we extract at random from his note-book :— |_ “Lorp Seymour’s mansion was illuminated in the choicest taste, It displayed a transparency of the Crystal Palace, as a dis- , solving view, with a prominent outline in the foreground of his lord- | ship’s favourite pump. | “Cotone. Steruorr showed a similar device; with, in lieu of the |pump, a full-length portrait of himself. ‘Lhe latter enveloped in a | Blaze of Triumph. “ The residence of the Sorrcrror-GeweraL was illuminated with \the Transparency of a Distressed Agriculturist: a rather substantial shadow, but painted in the palest colours, and fading almost imper- |ceptibly away. Beneath, the inscription—‘1 am starving’—on an | exceedingly rich ground, | “The Cuancettor or THE Excuequer displayed, as usual, a number of ingenious devices. ‘That which elicited the most admiration | was @ Spanaiivs representation of the Budget: the figures all ex | couleur de rose, and wreathed in corn-flowers, with the motto—‘ Let | Weil Alone.’ “The Kart or Dersy’s official residence was most elaborately | festooned with variegated lamps; the upper story especially being | very light. In the centre was a Janus-head, considered by some to | represent the Head of the Government. To the right, an All — ‘ Protection,’ dressed in the Coat of Office, with its finger naively [aid upon its lips and a corn-ucopia beside it, labelled ‘ Free :’ to the left, | a distant view of the Mansion House, with the proverb ‘On revient — @ 8¢3 PREMIER'S amours,’ indistinctly traced in party-coloured amps. “ Several of the Protectionist Members displayed a single star—the Star of Hope—but these were mostly very dim, and in many cases quite gone out. “Tt is needless to state that Mr. Punch’s official residence was illuminated in its accustomed simple but effective manner. The illumination consisted merely of the pages of his last Number, which were displayed as usual in the window, and completely dazzled the mind’s eye of every beholder,” MILDNESS OF THE POLITICAL SEASON. - UCH is the extraordinary mildness of the political season, that the Deasy Ministry 1s not yet nipped in the bud, notwith- | standing its constant ex out of doors during the and the extremely variable it ex- riences in the forcing-house at night. Fis Sembee meee eda annie that a plant so extremely delicate should have lived so long, especially after its having lost its hold upon the soil, since it has undergone the process of trans- plantation from the country flats to the warm beds of the Treasury. It is to be doubted whether it can ever become a healthy and hardy t, for it has been reared under a of an eae Restestan, ich is injurious rogress, an unfitted it for that free exposure to ‘the open air which is so necessary to vigour and vitality. “What to Eat, Drink, and Avoid”—on Epsom Downs. (As defined by a rather “ knowing one” of owr acquaintance.) Eat—Chicken or lobster salad, wherever you can get it. pe Bag em. or Champagne, ad libitum, gratis, upon the same conditions. And Avoid—Pecuniarily backing your opinion as to which of the metallic trio the “ little pea ” is hidden under. Morto vor THE Monoro.ist Brewer.—" Beer, and for-Beer.” | —

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lll i ee ee) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. On peoy pi and drum! resound With Pided thump and trill, That cause the heart to bound, And midriff thrill ! Hymn the grand Derby Day, The jolliest of the jolly month of May! A wretch profane sad base art thou hom to thy stool doth glue, So that thou dost that festival allow To without observance due. e love of gain thy spirit binds, Oh slave of Avarice ! The most pernicious vice To mortal minds, 2. But thou ’rt a Trump and jolly chap, The races punctual to attend, Who askest me to share thy Trap; Thee will I ever call my friend, And never, never may’st thou fail, Old Boy, thy vehicle to freight With lobster bright in scarlet mail, And chicken at a liberal rate, i an ample store, bread enough to eat—and more ! Thy hamper should, in its contents, Include the proper condiments ; Knives, forks, p glasses, duly pack ; A corkscrew, too, let it contain ; Of sherry there must be no lack, And, oh! forget not the champagne. 3. Over the Thames of turbid flow, ° By holy Clapham, and the way Of J a cages Tooting, thus I go, rby, on thy sacred day, To Epsom’s verdant plain. Lo! every kind of carriage, van, and wain, (We cut the railway train,) ODE ON THE DERBY. See, mingled with the multitude of drags, An infinite lot of mokes, and cobs, and nags ; Conveying Swell and Nob, d Cheek by jow! with whom we ride, And every grade beside ; So we godown, Laughing, talking, ro ® With costermonger smo 4 Fast man upon Town, Larking Gent, and Snob. 4. Hail! young green leaves, and blooming trees, And yet more blooming lasses, Smiling in your best array, k On either side the whilst our chariot mn And you, ye boys, who load the fragrant breeze, houting “ Hip, hip, hip, hooray !” But now, as denser grows the throng, Clouds of dust the eye assail, = is The Gent all Moses-clad pulls down his veil, And like the speckled lazy-crawling snail, We creep along. Behold us in the ruck ! Oh sweet celestial maid Mild Patrence ! lend thine aid, Whilst at the hive ped cnn . All in a jam, for half-an-hour we wait, Regularly stuck ! 5. At length we gain the Down— Oh strange, astounding sight ! Sure every vehicle of Town Is here—Immortals bright ! The multitude on every hand ! The sea of heads on yonder stand ! What a surging hum of voices ! Hark !—a bell above the din— Clear the course! my mind rejoices— my They are going to begin ; Striped-vested jockeys canter to and fro— As the deot Warp Kie—W rary called in Scarce slower than electric fire, Speeds on the telegraphic wire. Loud shout the men of sport ; Round Tarrensam’s corner whilst the horses | Jy, Increasing clamours rend the air As the goal is neared— Tis won !—aloft the uering number's | reared— ~ And flocks of pigeons, soaring high Thro t a breathless world the news to | Darken the sky ! 6. Luncheon, now, with due libations, Not in vain, keen HunGER craves ; Then to make our observations On the thimble-rigging knaves, Between the wheels our way we bore, And roam among the booths to shy at toys, As we were wont to do in days of yore, When we were boys. Laden with our childish booty, Back we wend at close of day, *Mid inextinguishable noise ; And our spoils to Youth and Beauty Toss upon our homeward way ; As blithe as Sons of Mars, Or Children of the Gun, Returning from the wars, With mild cigars, Chafing, bantering, poking fun, Until we doze ; And thou, oh gentle MonpHevs! steep’st our senses in repose, | have never tas there ( we must repeat, the notion is to us a disagreeable one. And if ever we are asked to an impromptu dinner, we shall certainly stipulate that it ier. “IMPROMPTU DINNERS.” An Advertisement with the above heading annoys us daily. by no means WwW about the stagnant but os ask for some remedy, cannot say we relish the idea of an | fident that dinner. “impromptu” seems inevitably imply haste. there’s one thing more | than another that an En- The very word | Now, glishman hates to burry | Minister’s heart. over, it is unquestionably his dinner. The suggestion is, repugnant toour taste. in America we could fancy therefore, nationally “impromptudinners” would vitriolic acid, be in great request. rity is there on a of the people, and nowhere is the eitol eoahendions more conspicuously mani- fested than at the dinner- table. o means would we depreciate these dinners. We and, therefore, cannot judge them. But nominally, a Kank Impostor. hoieeienie, SS n be what Moliére calls “ «u« impromptu, fait a bo Cele- | de Mars.” m ii - * | A Blessed President! Tue ARCHBISHOP OF Paris has been blessing the busts of Lovts | This is quite proper, for we should have to wait a long | Napoleon, FLINGING SATIRE IN A MAN’S FACE. A DEPUTATION he» upon Lorp Joun Mawwyens to tell him all dangerous condition of the Serpentine, and to Mar, Litwatt expressed himself as very con- “ The crying evil would at length be remedied, seeing that his Lordship, who had to | iways expressed himself as so desirous to promote the healthful recreation of the if | people, was at the head of that department which pre-eminently gave his Lordship the ” We are afraid Mx. Litwat has mistaken the means of softening a as it may be, satire is not the kind of acid that will melt it. And what greater satire than to tell Lory Jonw | Mawwens that he was “so desirous to promote the healthful recreation of the people!” And this only a week after his memorable speech and _ vote in favour of the demolition of the Crystal Palace! It’s too bad to fling burning satire like this in a man’s face! It’s worse than | The Hero of one Battle-Field. Ow the occasion of the review in the Champ de Mars, the Paesipewt wore the uniform of a General of the Infantry—or of a Colonel of the National Guard—for, as he has never served in either, it is extremel doubtful which uniform he wore, or, in fact, what rank in the French army he has gained at all, bey »ad that, from never having been in it, of As these doubts make it very inconvenient to know what military title to give him, we ouggest that Louis Naroteon do take his title from that of the only batt | distinguished himself, and be henceforth known as “¢he Great Suam -field in which he has hitherto The Cup that Inebriates, but does not Cheer. Wuew Lovis Narotzow has declared himself Emperor, the eup of time, we are afraid, before we heard any of the people say, “ Bless his his ambition will be completely full, for then it will amount to the fi whole Imperial Measure for which he has so long been thirsting. dear face

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

A GRAND DISAPPOINTMENT. THE late events in Paris may be characterised as a Grand Dis- appointment. rst of all, part of the Army | was disappointed. They expected | an Emperor before the day was | half over; whereas in the even- ing there was only a Prince Pre- sident just the same as in the morning. Seconpty, the Orleanists were

disappointed, be-| cause they made | sure there would | have been a row | of some sort or other, by which | they could not fail | to have profited ; | whereas things | passed off so quietly, that they were no nearer the throne after the review than they had been be- fore it. elurepty, the Legitimists were disappointed for the same reason. Fourtuty, the Republicans were on the look-out for a coup d'état, and were in hopes that something good to their cause might come out of it; but no coup d’état occurring, they were equally disappointed | with all the others. Fiera y, the foreigners and strangers, who flocked to Paris in the stron tation that the Empire was to be proclaimed, came away | terribly edad declaring they had been seduced there under false pretences, as nothing had taken place beyond a stupid review, of | which the dust took very good care to prevent them seeing any thing. And tastiy, Louis NaPoLgon was more disappointed than anyone else, as he rose in the morning with the full certainty that the Army | would proclaim him Emperor, and went to bed at eight o'clock with | the unpleasant conviction that some one had made a slight mistake. And the fact is, every one was disappointed, officers and soldiers | ineluded. The officers, because they had several days’ pay deducted to | pay the expenses of a fete that only ended in smoke ; ol te soldiers, use they had all the hard work to do, without any of the feasting | that followed afterwards. They expected showers of champagne and saucissons at least, but had nothing to swallow but dust and disap- pointment. So, under all the circumstances, we think we are perfectly justified in characterising the late Fétes of Paris as a Granp DisaProlInTMENT. SEASONABLE NOVELTY. Parties going to the Derby are recommended to provide themselves with The Gentleman’s Complete Chaffer ; a neat duodecimo volume, fitted for the waistcoat pocket, and containing upwards of 5000 choice bits of “Chaff,” suitable for all emergencies. Among its contents will be found a great variety of waggeries for the drag, railleries for the rail, and downy sayings for the Downs; together with an extensive assort- ment; of “ sells” of a general utility. Also a number of new and original proverbs on the approved model of “It’s all serene,” and not a whit more sensible, it is hoped, than that now popular assertion. The whole arranged alphabetically, with Index. “ This is indeed a useful little work. It lately enabled us to hold a successful argu- ment with a Hansom Cabman. The fact alone speaks volumes.”—Slow-Coach Chronicle.

| “The Complete Chaffer most effectually advocates the Early Closing Movement. | It is astonishing how soon it shuts one up.’— ast Gazette. The Pawnbroker and the Emperor. | | | ‘Tue lower orders of Berlin—we are told—took all they could to the eee in the belief that, according to a general custom, the| MPEROR OF Russi, on his visit to the city, would redeem the goods. | | Thus, the Prussian poor took a lesson from Louis Napro.zon, and speculated—(though not with his luck)—upon their “ Uncle.” Tae Dersy Race.—For the latest information on this subject, we | must refer our readers to either Don’s Peerage or the Red Book, Y® DELECTABLE BALLAD or Y® TWO LORDES, Y® TEN COMMISSIONERES, AND Y® FOULE CAVE OF CHANCERIE, Ir was eight bolde Commissioneres, Right missioneres, and eke one ; And dewne to the Cave of Chancerie, Rigute stoutely they have gone— Sir Jonw pe Romy, of y* Rolles, Str Gronce James Parker goode, Ricuarp Betwexe, and James Tunyer, And Sm Wituiam Pace a-Woops, by = se ao Sra Cuar.es Le CROMPTONE, ILLIAM MILBOURNE JaMES, .. To Ropert Georce Le GrawamMe, And Hen.ey, were their names, It was of a hot day in ey Eighteen hundred and ftie and one, That downe to the Cave of Chancerie These Commissioneres have gone. Lorp Truro he stoode at the Cave’s mouthe, Yet nothing in wolde fare : ** Now boldlie go downe, my Commissioneres, And saie what ye finde there. “T mote not face that, darksome place, For fouling of my skin ; Descende, nor phe Keg I ‘ll waite withoute, The while that ye goe in. “Here will I stande, with mace in hande, Though ’twere a yeare and a daie ;’ But scantlie were y* Commissioneres in, When Lorp Truro he rode awaie.

Lorp Truro he sits in y Chancerie, Y° barristeres among And oh! but his judgments were wearie, And oh! but y* suites were long! Then in came those bolde Commissioneres, And I trow their cheekes were wan, And foule I weene were their bandes 80 cleane, And the wigges that they hadde on. ** Now, save you, my bolde Commissioneres, And tell me how have ye Why are ye so foule, and why do’ pe scowle, And wherefore looke ye scared Then up and spake Six James a-Woope, “ Small thanks to thee we owe, That, in mee Cave, we founde not a <8 BORD Mongst the loathlie thinges below “?T was dark as pitch, till a muddie ditch We founde, that ranne with ; go

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARE. | “ Thereon a boate did seeme to floate, With a black-browed sterne old man— ‘ Now ferry us over, old grey- -bearde, As fast as fast you can.’ “*Oh! fast would ote —_ or fast would ye goe, Then ee vette I’m Exvon’s te, and i holde this poste At y* ditche of Chaneerie. *** *Tis filled to y* brinke with lawyers’ inke, Made thicke with suitors’ tears And it rolls a weighte of heart-sickness and hate, And hopes deferred for yeares, “ * And in it I fish for a daintie dish Of carp, and quibble, and quirk, And emptie purses, | withered heartes,— I trow it is pleasaunte worke. “* But, an ye be lawyers, as by your wigges And gownes [ trow you Come into my boate, and we ‘will floate Over, right leisurelie.’ “Then in we sprung, and a we flang Y° grey bearde in y* flood And we made y® shore, ere that to roar He had cleared his mouthe of mudde. “ But as on we drewe, the cave it grew More noisome than bef: fore, Till we came to a pit, whereon was writ A name on an yron door ; “ And by the lighte of rottennesse brighte, From the fungus | growthe at hande, We reade y* name ‘ Master’s office’ Ywrit in fayre lawyers’ hand. “ And lookynge downe, as men in stoune, We sawe all heaped aboute, Unhesey suitors, picked to y* bone, th pockettes inside oute, “ With paper wings, and clawes and stings, Preyed on them a ghastlie crewe, Of accountes, and charges, and orders, And warrants to reviewe ; “ And office copies that sucked their bloode, And reports that bared their bones ; And attendances that ground their heartes, As you grinde corne ’twixt millstones. “ Then back apace from that awfulle place We drewe, and so came ches To pray you, my helpe to afford To those suitors, an aged may. say rr a ply ht ye fealtahe Pe Cenertesteneny| The | a isa ‘Car, and ate, And nothing “ As they went in to lose or winne, The chance they must a ; They must get oute, my helpe withoute, Or where they are must lye, “* My seales and mace, and eke my place, I holde for no such stuffe— Call y* next cause—give me a pause— L’ve saide it—and ’tis en Then into the court, in statelie sort, Another Lorde he drewe, And well pleased were those bold Commissioneres When the Lorn or Sr. Leowanp’s they knew. With a stert and a frowne, he hath stripped the gowne From Lop Truko’s shoulders wide ; = _ grasped the mace, and into the place Where Loxp Truro sat in pride He hath sudden sprung, and downe hath flung RD TRUKO to the floor, Before that Lorde could finde a worde To aske why or wherefor. “ Go downe, false Lorde, let me afforde Those hapless suitors ayde, That in woe have lain, and all in vain Reliefe of thee have prayde. “Come with me, ye bolde Commissioneres, We’|I find means, an if we may, The ditch to drain, and to drive the train Of loathlie things awaye.” With those bolde Commissioneres he hath gone, And Lorp ‘Tuo he looked blacke, Quoth he, “ To goe is easy, I trow; Bat how about ‘wetting back?” 4

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wat ee — | THE LAW OF CROCHET. ARLIAMENT has at length been compelled to give its ever-tardy attention to a question deeply affecting the do- mestic of thousands of her Ma- sesTy’s married sub- | jects. We allude to the Crochet question. The miseries arising from the unsettled state of the law upon this — subject have resulted in an agitation which has mad+ itself constitutionally heard. Meetings have been held in all the smoking rooms of the clubs, in the lobbies of the Operas, in the apartments of bachelor friends (after sup- per), and in the various other places of refuge to which the sufferers had been driven by Crochet persecution ; and it has been finally resolved that a Bill shall be forced through the Houses, imme- = diately after the ter re- cess, to settle the question ~ satisfactorily. This bill has ~ actually been prepared, and Mr. Punch’s précis-writer sat up all night to take out the legal ph , and to substitute English and com- mon sense, in order that the outlines of the measure might be laid before the nation. The character of the bill will be seen from the analysis thus prepared. The measure is entitled, AN ACT to Amend, Consolidate, and Define the Law of the Crochet-Hook, The Preamble recites that the power of the Crochet-Hook has increased, is increasing, and ought to be diminished. Clause 1. enacts that no married lady shall, under any cireumstances (not even the absolute necessity of finishing “ this duck of a pattern, because I am quite in love with it”), be permitted to work at | Crochet more than fourteen hours out of the twenty-four. Clause 2. enacts that if a calf’s head be sent up to the dinner-table badly cooked, it shall be no plea on the part of the lady of the house that she could not see afier it because she was so busy with her Boar’s Head. Clause 3. exempts a husband from al! the penalties of looking grumpy and being a disagreeable cross old thing, in certain cases; namely,— hen a lovely anti-macassar is held up for his admiration, he having at the time one or more buttons deficient in his shirt. When he comes home by appointment, to take her to see the Apteryx at the Zoological Gardens, and finds her not dressed, and reluctant to move, because she has just found out a new way of purling 14, by casting off 11, and dropping 3465. ; : When she pretends to hear his last joke from the club, but obviously does not, as her lips and mind are palpably counting loops. Clause 4. enacts that if a wife persists ia an unreasonable attachment to Crochet after due notice— namely, first, a gentle hint from her beloved Epwix; next, a half-joking remonstrance from his most intimate bachelor friend; amd lastly, a grave entreaty from her mother-in-law—the conjugal tie shall be held to be dissolved to the extent following:—Epwin may go to Blackwall whenever he pleases, and without AnGeLosa, even though there are ladies in the party; may take a bed at old Barrins’s at | Twickenham, or his cousin Tom’s at Hampstead, without ever saying a word about it previously; may | be utterly deaf to all allusions about Ancetuva’s having nothing to go to the Opera in; and may render | that fact practically of less importance, by not intimating the slightest intention of taking her there. Clause 5. provides that nothing in that Act contained shall prevent a devoted wife from sitting up| till any hour of the night darning stockings, or mending the children’s things. Clause 6. declares that all disputes arising as to the meaning of any words in the Act shall be settled by the husband, without appeal. Clause 7. enacts that Oaths shall not (for the future) be taken by the husband in certain cases, or | uncertain ones either; the Act having now provided a remedy for all cases of Crochet aggravation. Clause 8. provides that the husband shall be obliged to furnish the wife with the means of rational and sensible amusement during his absence from home; namely, if a lawyer, he had better give her copying to do; if a merchant, he can send her aceount-books to cast up; and, if an author, he can desire her to read his works ; but this latter task (which no author’s wife can condescend to perform) is to be prescribed in moderation. Clause 9. empowers a husband to taunt his Crochety wife in any gentle and humorous way, as, if she asks him to take her to the Isle of Wight, he may reply that he shan’t, for she has had enough of the Needles. Or, if she requests any old clothes of his (to be converted, by a certain mystic process into geraniums and fuchsias,) he may ask her if she thinks he is as fond of “ casting off” as she is. And | she is expressly interdicted from pouting thereat or thereafter, or at any other time or times whatsoever. | lach PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL — | cannot always be relied to Lonp Brovewam, who is celebrated for his Crotchet- work, and in the House of Commons to Mr. Drsraui, because he really works very fairly—with a hook. THE NO-HOUSE OF COMMONS, One of the most melancholy results of the No-House on Tuesday, the 18th of May, is the extreme activity that has been given to the small joke market, by the fact of there not having been forty members present on the occasion in question. Every idle tongue can wag, has attempted some waggery on its own very small account, and some of the “ transac- tions” have been, indeed, worthy of the “ stocks” ina rural point of view ; for if any village stocks are yet to be found, the perpetrator of a bad ought to be made the subject 4 immediate transfer into that low class of security. Two or three quotations will give a sufficient idea of the disastrous results that have ensued to common sense, from the cause we have stated. An individual, who had formerly moved in a respectable sphere, was heard to observe, that. if the Commons occasionally made “ No-House,” they could not get through the business of the country “ No-Hows.” Another individual, whose name we suppress out of respect to an aged grandmother, was no sooner told that the House risen, because there were not forty members present, than heexclaimed, “Oh! can’t they eet on without forty being present ? But I suppose the Commons are deter- mined that, if they cannot always ob- serve the suaviter in modo, they will at. least make sure of the forty-ter in re.” Another individual, whose indiscreet waggery has taken a sort of anti-privi- legious turn, which may one day Clee him not only to the bar of public opinion, but to the bar of the House, was rash enough to remark, in the hearing of our farthing-a-liner, “ Ha! it’s an odd coincidence that forty of them should be required in order that business may be proceeded with, for we all know that there were exactly forty thieves.” Another still more degraded being, who unites two professions, accord- ing > the _ne my» oe and who, being a punster by day, is—we need not say what—by night, was so far indifferent to all consequences that in the hearing of an individu with a horsewhip in his hand, he had the rashness to remark, that “ the busi- ness of the session must be proceeding very piano indeed, when the forte upon.”’ We feel that we have somewhat braved the indignation of the public in bringing under their notice these evidences of mental infirmity ; but per- haps when the Commons see the dis- turbance occasioned to a — of the public intellect by the fact of there being No House, it may render them careful how they are guilty of such es again.

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ainsi PE SRL RE RR aR ARR ETE OE a ‘ " ~ f i PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARTVARL = ' e | French host, clad in eteel, bent the knee on the 10th of May, a THREE CHEERS ror BEN DISRAELI, | anvid the diseharge of 100 pieces of Freneh ordnance. Are A The OLDEST ESTABLISHED PROPHET! | you listening to me,my Lord? We teach the treatises which “¥) Now’s your time, my boys! Send me 12 Postage | Austria teaches, where your nation has been openly and 4 Stamps, and J will forward you the Derby Pick, | publicly insulted, where your ambassador is at this moment and no mistake. Recollect, I have always pro- | barely tolerated, and where the person called ‘ Our own Cor- | phesied that Free Trade was the horse to win, | respondent’ is no ENE; to publish his foul anti- and I now advise you to get on as fast as you can. | Catholic slanders from V' to London,’ Ib ta good thing or two for the Election . 4 = . | ei pang rapidly approaebing.| With horror, loathing, shame, and indignation, | Be liberal, and 1 will bring | have we read of Roman Catholic priests, in youin handsomely. mer, | Elizabethan times and since, half-hanged and though et were to pay me| Tipped up alive. Such atrocities we blushed for me ° a — with }as chargeable on Protestant persecution, albeit t J ng stables (where ; the Seabhe’ teen ik resulting from those enables me to give you oR very best inforraation.. All! Laser meng = sy being taught, return my horses ~~ ae ow | r . — “ve But Dr. Cant’s effusions induce us rather | fools if do not ith | , y , - thee, teen mind bam to suspect that those cruelties should be imputed, — the Celebrated Winner this | simply, to the defective psychology of the period, | prod y te of = Lie oe which could not distinguish between the insane foole-who don't knows horse. | Roman Catholic priest and the popish traitor. chestnut from a chestnut Mad doctors of Romish divinity may then, as | horse, that I woulén't come! now, have threatened their government with | in. So, boys, who's afraid? A : Deck Hon, an4 bo’s cure te | foreign arms, and have received their answer on = lead you om to Victory. Re- | the seaffold. member, there is but one) If we thought that Canrin had the least sound | ee een tase t to | BOrtion of bein remaining, we would seriously you is Free Trade. Back | remonstrate with him for labouring, as it would him, and you must go in and | seem, to bring odium on his party; which is Ta ney alae & Clipper | really too bad, especially at present. As it is, we o » ar n 7 ° a) 4 no mistake. Bw intends starting a Four-in-Hand on the Derby Day; terms, whatever you please, including a | will only say - the ws the pemaenea y= bottle of Champagne. S80 don't be faint-hearted; but send a stamped envelope immediately to Dizzy, Post | look after Dr. AHILL, or the person who writes Office, Caucasia, directed—“ To be lett till ealled for.” Nota minute ought to be lost. Send your money, with {in his name; especially now that so much alarm the full certainty of winning. Brew never felt to sanguine about the Derby, before. Hurrah! and irritation relative to Popery exist among the ~~ | people of this country, who are apt to judge of a | ARRY COPPOCK (Member of the Reform Club) is now ready to —_ to = a oe |g dy by its leaders, and are very loth to admit the Subscribers a full, true, and correct account of all the Hacks (with a proper description of their local weight, | - : : : their potitieal colours, and a list of their backers) that intend to start for the Parliamentary Races this year, | plea of Insanity as an excuse either for felony or The latest odds carefully given. Commissions to any amount punctually attended to at the full market value, | constructive treason. Present Prices. —- 6 tol aget The Liverpool Card. 25 to 1 agst Bell Metal. 9—1 Lord Johnny. | ” - The Tower Hamlets’ Absentee. —— The Greenwich Alderman. — The Irish Brigade. 1 10 — 1 —— The Oxford Pet. 400 1 —— The City Baron. 1 1 il —1 —— The Manchester Broadbrim. | 400 69 — 1 —— The W Pr ionist | 500 2.000 — 1 —— The Derby Lot. | Letters addressed to Hanny Corpock, Reform Club, enclosing the needful in postage-stamps, or money, will be immediately attended to. DR. CAHILL’S ULTRAMONTADE. Tue Rev. Dr. Caninn, or some maniac who writes under |is signature, has—to descend to vulgar phraseology—“ tipped” the Paemizr a “Juntus.”” Yes—for Dr. Canis epistles —like those of Junzus—are “full of sound and fury;” but then, to be sure, JuNrus’s Letters contained something more. Dra. CanILe’s object is twofold; so objects generally appear to a person in that condition wherein he, apparently, writes. But Cani.u’s objects are different one from the other—rather different. One is to resent the proposed inquiry respecting Maynooth as an affront; the other, to court that same investigation. We are afraid we are poaching on the manor of Dre. Forses Winstow in quoting the subjoined language, the discussion of which may appear considerably more suitable to the pages of “‘ Zhe Journal of Psychological Medicine” | than to those of Punch :— } “ Judges of former times pronounced sentence without vulgar gibes, and the executioners of the law despatched | their victims without poisoning the edge of the axe, or steeping the rope in vitriol.” | Mr. Catcrart must not mind Dr. Canin. Mr. Catcrarr must see what a state of | mind be is in to insinuate that our modern executioners poison their axes, and steep their | ropes in sulphuric or nitric acid. Everybody knows that to poison an axe, in order to chop | off a head, would be a mere device to kill a dead man; an act of malice which would never be thought of but by a frantic Irish priest, with a Protestant in bis power, and having an axe, and | some poison at hand, but no fire. And, of course, no one in his senses would for a moment | believe that Mr. Caxcrart is so ignorant of the chemistry of hemp and of the mineral acids, as to soak his halters in such fluids, and thereby destroy them, or convert them into xyloidine, or a substance similar to gun-cotton. Nor must the of the Law, any more than its finisher, be offended with Dr. Cant. No one imagines that Lonp Campse.t and his learned brethren are accustomed to chaff THE BEGGING-LETTER IMPOSTOR. the culprits whom they condemn—to mistake the black cap for the fool’s. The poor man, “ a : h. perhaps, confounds the present with the past. He may remember that there were certain Powraatr or “ Tus Orricen’s Davourten. judges end oe = over cre be roasted alive, with an ironical request —— that he might ealt, with without bloodshed. pee: ose “ . ” As to Dr. Canrt, it is useless to reason with him, to ask what headsman, with any) - J 7 a fa deagga a qa ng al eo head of his own, would poison: an axe, when he might poison a lancet; what Jack Ketcn| bette me a ee Uae. Be y ilies would be such a booby as to subject his to corrosion? ‘I'herefore, we would discard | °° the idea of the rope in connexion with that of treason, as suggested by such stuff as this :— A Mito Hir.—The fact of there having been “No, Sir, the inquiry wh is o} 4 ventuate f v t a : | Genet nar Siedeet. Wo-tneh a> ticep ob Bernat on which The Russeren the Patueretons, the Dessre | 20 House a few nights ago may be regarded in 4 | the WsLLINeTons, and the Trunesof France, bent uncovered to the earth on the 10th of May, in the Cham scientific point of view as a piece of hee erty de Mars. Do you understand me, Lonv Denny? We teach the discipline and the doctrine to which 60,000 of the | electricity,” for every one was much shi at it.

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ere | no | in tive | t it. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 231 ANOTHER AFFAIR OF HONOUR. - > ~ Sa hh . ~ tis, : them a remembrance—a sort of house- | hold god—to slow bagpipe music wend ( |to the shore; then embark in the XTRAORDINARY as it may ap-| boats, pear, the following en Scene 3.—Deck of the Golden ence has just been put into our| Fleece crowded with aforesaid inha- hands, with full permission to! bitants of Skye. Anchor weighed— make what use we please of | bagpipe caundea onl departure. it. Having first offered it | (Here may be imagined a very to a butterman who refused to | beautiful moving panorama of sea and name » price for it, we beg sky; dolphins, flying-fish, Xo., &c., leave to present it to our /and ships going and coming. Ap- ) readers :— proach of land—land made ; land con- “ Gander and Egberts,|tinued until it stretches into the i past 3 PM. | Bush.) “Mr. Dimitry presents his) Scene 4.—An extensive view of compliments to Mr. Wuirey |the Bush; so extensive that hun- Brows, and has been requested |dreds of Skye shepherds and families fay . % 4 by Mr. LAVENDER Kipps, to | are seen in various places ; the afore- inquire whether Mr. Wurrey Said shepherds and families so ruddy Brown admits the remark at-| and sleek, that their dearest creditors, tributed to him, with reference | if they had any, would not know them. to the influence of 2auf Mr. La-| Curtain falls to the music of bagpipes vewveR Kipps on the female | Playing dudd Lang Syne, customers to the lace and fancy department of our great establishment. “ G. and E’s., 0 minutes past 3 p.m. “Mr. Lavenver Kipps begs to acknowledge the communication from Mr. Dimitry. Mr. Lavenper Krpps adopts the remark attributed to him, with reference to Mn. Wuirey Brows, and refers Mx. Durty to Mr. Guscuam TwItt for any further explanation.” These two letters were followed by an interview between Mr. Gincuam Twit and Mr. Dimiry, after which several letters passed, the object of which was a demand on the part of Mr. Dimrry that Mr. Lavenper Krpps should withdraw a certain adjective from a sentence he had made use of in reference to Mr. Wuirey Brown—a demand that Mr. Gincuam Twit refused to comply with in the name of Ma. LavenpER Kipps. A meeting was accordingly arranged to take place between the parties on Saturday afternoon, on Hampstead Heath; and Mr. Lavenper Kipps, accompanied by Mr. Gincuam TwILt, arrived on the Heath, vié Kentish Town, at the hour appointed, when they were met by Ma. Wuirey Brown, attended by Mr. l)rmrry, who had come by the direct route, per omnibus. ‘ The presence of such a considerable party excited much attention on the Heath, and to avoid obser- vation it was determined to strike into the furze bushes in the interior. ‘To allay suspicion the party partook of curds and whey previous to starting. There being only one mug among the four, it was found inconvenient for the two principals to drink out of the same vessel, and there being a good supply of spoons, the difficulty was got over, there being as many spoons as there were persons engaged in the business. One donkey carriage-and-pair having been chartered for the occasion, the driver was dispensed with, and the two seconds led the two donkeys by the nose—one prin- cipal occupying the front seat and the other the dickey. On reach- ing the ground Ma. Wuirey Brown proceeded to measure it deliberately with his yard mea- sure, and after a little conver- ation between the seconds it was arranged there should be— instead of an ae of a —an exchange of cigars, so tha there might be the usual termi- nation of smoke to the duel. This ; , having been agreed to, Mr. La- VENDER Kipps, after having received his antagonist’s puff in his eye, declared himself perfectly satisfied. THE ISLE OF SKYE AND THE GOLDEN FLEECE. THERE are about twenty millions of sheep in Australia crying for shepherds. Sir Coartes TRevetyan avouches the fact. In the Island of Skye the whole population are in danger of perishing for want of sustenance. Superfluous mutton om one hand, starving families on the other. What is needful for sheep and men is simply this; to take the Isle of Skye and empty it into the Antipodes, Talk of playhouse pantomimes—bere is a pantomime of real life to be worked; fairy transformations om to end with the fall of the curtain, but, the transformation once effected, to be perpetuated or generations. Every man with a sovereign to spare, with even half-a-sovereign, may make himself a real, benevolent, twenty or ten-shilling magician. Nothing more easy. We will show it—show it pantomimically— how the thing may be done. Scenz I.—Isle of Skye; rocky and barren scenery; mists rolling up from the sea. Population scattered, emaciated, despairing. Hunger, and her attendant fiends prow! through the island. The aspect of all things is that of hopelessness and desolation. Ship, the Golden Fleece, drops anchor. Mists clear away—sun breaks out. Boats, containing certain well-known 8, whose names brighten comtaittees, pull to the shore. Other boats, con- taining clothes and victuals, follow. Now here isa pantomime that every | body, with even half-a-sovereign, may |help to produce. A long golden wand |is not necessary; but the least bit of |the coined metal. For only half-a- sovereign, and a man may help to nee the horrible reality of Skye to the fai |for the good ship Golden Fleece, Minutes of Difference. Tere can be no greater Minutes of Difference, than the Minutes which differ between the various public and railway clocks in the metropolis. It has been suggested, therefore, that these clocks, since they are always disagreeing, should go out and have a meeting — attended, of course, with their proper Seconds—in order that their “ Minutes of Difference ” might be settled in the same harmless way, and with the same degree of “ satis- faction,” as has attended another only question is, if a clock could be found who would have the face to make himself so ridiculous, No Conscript Pathers! Amowxa the exemptions from the | | conscription under the Militia Bill we | observe is includ |, “ Any poor man having more than one child born in wedlock,” | If a poor man wishes to be a man of | peace it ought to be enough for him | |to hold out a single olive-branch: we | | don’t see why he should be obliged to | produce two. ——— | BAD JOB POR BLACK-LEGS. | he Doty Pg he te Be at | the the other day ri a less | than usually rich harvest, as, owing | to the police precautions sugges’ by Mz. Exssorr for the prevention of | egg-throwing, the greatest yo(l)kels | were kept away. | Tue Wersnince Duet.—It is most astonishing that all those ‘ Minutes | of Difference” should have been the | Scenz 2.—Hundreds of families, the old, the young, all and every one carrying something that is to | work of only two Seconds ! VOL. XXII. AA iry plenteousness of the Anti- | podes. Gentlemen, your subscriptions meeting lately at Weybridge. The | RE OE ASE GET LE OI LO A OS = ee RE RR HU See a.

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. Vee ~~ ree eee Swe — ome: . & a meen magn ae ili, a PUNCH, OR TH GRAND TOUR DE CONSCIENCE. E read a paragraph the other morn- ing which spoke of a “ hopeful rumour” that a certain or un- certain late Archdeacon, after having gone over to the Chureh of , is expected to come over again to the Church of England. Ali this re-cantation and cantation is not very credi- table to the intellects of the parties concerned, however much it may say for their consciences. One hardly knows the value to either side of an individual whose posi- tion is like that of a serious pen- dulum, or of whom it may be said, with respect to his views on re- ligious subjects, “There he goes back- wards and forwards, There he goes round and round.” A church digni- tary leaves the Es- tablished Church — conscientiously enough, no doubt —feels unhappy in his mind,and wants to come back again, when possi- bly some new preferment will be joyfully bestowed upon him. ‘There is, however, something inconsistent in the whole proceeding; and we hope we shall not have many cases in which we shall hear of a reverend pervert or convert being able to sing, as the Archdeacon may in the present instance— 1 ’ve.been Rome-ing, I’ve been Rome-ing, To a creed & la Romaine ; And I’m coming, and I’m coming, To my living again. “OUR CRITIC” AMONG THE PICTURES. A CRUISE ABOUT THE LINE. UnproressionaL reader, do you know what the Line is at the Aeademy Exhibition? It is the front seat at the theatre; the corner-place, out of the draught, in the railway carriage; the cross-table at the public dinner; the grand stand at the Derby—in short, it is the best place on the walls of the Royal Academy’s ms, and is of course reserved, first, for R.A.s and A.R.A.s, | their wants satisfied, for these of the un- lettered whom. the Academy delighteth to honour. The Line is that space of wall which an average man’s eye embraces, as he stands, without looking up or down. Painters are as anxious to be hung “on the Line,” as convicts are to escape the same fate; and in Trafalgar Square, as im the O!d Bailey, gentlemen in this position are pretty sure of attracting a crowd of admirers, or critics, as the case may be. Suppose we take a short cruise along this Exhibition Equator— teebleness requires. _ Of course, pictures on the-Line challenge criticism. There is no timid bud of just opening genius here that one need fear to wither up with a critical north-easter. Here are the strong men of canvas and colour, quite able to defend themselves—or, if not, by what right are they there? | The pictures in the: Royal Academy Exhibition are hung by an annual Committee of the Academicians. [| don’t know how this hanging Committee are selected, or how set to work. With RAs and A.R.As, | ume, they have no choice. But these disposed of, what guides them? One would be tempted, from two or three | indications observable here, to fancy that the magic of these letters extends to wives, and sons, and cousins; nay, failing academician kin— | like family fellowships at the Universities—to all of academician’s | name. Beyond this, | cannot discover anything to explain how some of the Liners have found their way into this privileged place. I wish to offer you a humbie. bint, respectable R.A.s. | once you broke through'the rule of hanging all your own pictures on | the line? Suppose you direeted your hanging committee to deal ‘to speak the truth. | the sentence of Posto to the prospects of the E LONDON CHARIVARL upon the canvasses of their brethren as on those of the outer crowd ? I can easily conceive the embarrassment of such a task of selection. | The hang-men cannot be unknown, as they ought to be, and go about | their work like executioners of kings—with masks on. But whata | comfort it would be to see justice done for onee! Or, if that be impos- | sible this way, suppose for one year you were to choose your hanging | jury out of the unlettered of your brother painters? It appears to me | probable that the result would be more satisfactory to the public, and | more charitable to the Academy, than in the present mode. I should | certainly be spared the pain of en to my pretty country cousi who will insist on knowing everything—how R.A., No. 1, is aul to have gone — self on these walls, bemg harmless upon canvas; how R.A. No. 2, once produced a good picture, and is therefore to be allowed to.go on thrasting-bad ones under my nose to the end of his painting days; how | R.A., Nox.3, paints execrable daubs for the Exhibition, it istrme, but | then makes such wonderful sketches out of it; how R.A. No. 4;turns | out landscapes like feeble teaboards, but then in private is such a gen- | tlemanly n:—in short, I should be spared the necessity of ex- | plaining ali the various reasons which account for the fatuous or feeble works on the line with those-magic letters in the catalogue, which tend so to mislead my pretty cousin’s judgment. Suppose she should get an Art-Union prize: how do.{ know that she. may not invest incontinent in one of these misplaced:liners ? It is my proud privilege, whether in England or in my native Italy Even in Naples, where Kuve Bompa has the press, stifled the cafés, and even muzzied the /azzaront, he allows PULcINELLO to talk at will in the Chiaya, and to all in review, from ine fishery. I am therefore privileged, I think, to utter those daring things about the august Academy, although I know all I amrisking. I suppose [ shall never be invited to the private view, or favoured with a ticket to |the dinner. I don’t care; for between ourselves, not having a ti and not being a picture-buyer or a picture-dealer’on a large seale, | don’t suppose they would ask me if | praised them all round, from Warp to Jowgs. So | may as well say what | think, in spite of conse- |quences. I say, then, frankly, that there shold be a privilege—I will | noveall it a sentenee—of superannuation forincesapable R A-s ; or; if they have such a vested right in the Academy walls, that they must be hung there, let the Octagon room be set apart for a Chamber of Horrors, as it were, to which may be consigned the works of the imbecile, the incapable, and the impertinent. amongst the Royal cians. There would be no lack of tenants for that pleasant little dog-hole. I can imagine what its walls would be this year, with my friend Joses’s Battle of Meeanee, in the place of honour, faced mt Sotomon Hart’s Guttenberg, Faust, and Schaffer, and flan on either side by the same gentieman’s ineredibly snobbish Reading for Honours and Preparing for a Pluck. Mw, Hourtys’s Deal Hoveilers, and Dieppe Grisettes, and Matelottes would probably take conspicuous places—though it must be said that the painter is better employed on such subjects, than on certain Romeos and Jékets I remember of his. [ am afraid that this year I should have to consign my excellent and much-respected friend, Mr. Lestre, to the same limbo. What right has a mam like Mr. Lesciz to paint me that abominable little his old age, but is still allowed to disport him- | his exquisite Beaérice, running | thed | | with her arch eyes and sweet bright face—the, more charming in my | shrewdness of his Sancho—the more | unaceountable defiance of a British pu | woman or putting in here and there, as beauty tempts, or absurdity provokes, or Of Clapham Rise, as she is | not mislead | to the cellar with Ma. Lestite’s Juliet. I protest I | Lise’s great power of draughtsmanship, his vigorous way of levery petal made out, every leaflet drawn with pai ] whole eut in tin; not a flicker of living light—not a pin’s poimt of | {rue imitation about a thing which, unless truly imi Suppose for! Clapham bread-and-butter miss, with a black dose, and ‘to call the lady Judiet, and the physic her sleeping-draugist ? I ask this witheome warmth; for the more sincerely I admire and respect Ma. Lesire as a painter—the more distinet my recollection of like a lapwing in the pleached walk, memory the stately and winning grace of his Duchess, and the obese I havea right to be with that ic which is involved in putting such a title on such a picture. I have nothing to object to the young her occupation. If Mr. Les. choose to paint Miss Suita when about to take her medicine, he to do so. But let him give the thing its right name, and my pretty country cousin in this way, and compel me to set her right, which is painful to me, as well as difficult, and often leads to a little unpleasantness between us. I am not at all sure that I should not consign Mr. Macuisn’s Alfred admire Ma. Mac- ing a subject, and of nailing it down, im precise unmistake lines, upon his canvas. But what a colleetion of huge, writhen, dead limbs is here!—what an utter absence of harmonious colouring— of artist-like distribution of light and shadow—of dramatic as well as pictorial arrangement of groups—of genuine expression—of natural texture! Look at those branches loaded with hawthorn —, is nothing. Observe that mass of fern in th right corner. Compare its leaden ponds with the dewy dankness of Mr. Axtnowy’s fern brake, in- that round pieture on your left. ‘There is the true living reality; here is

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the metallic counterfeit. The critic in the Times oute of this pict a “Mr. Macrise | has here done all that the Pre-Rafaelites have attempted.” There must have been | praise to the essentials of the picture. But I should be doing violence to myse!f, | Aifred—instead of the cadm, keen, quiet observation with which that model of prac- | the Wurre Horse or roe Saxon, and the Buack Raven or Denmark,” at Astiey’s. a slip in the types. No doubt what the eminent critic wrote, was “Mr. Mac.ise has here attempted all that the Pre-Raffaelites have done.” I would not pause on these accessories, if I could dwell with more satisfaction or award warmer and | should be misteading the taste of my cousin, if I did not point out to her that tical wisdom must have scanned the Danish array, numbering its tents and noting its weak points for attack—wears an expression of scowling second-hand, hare’s-foot- and-burnt-cork intensity, worthy only of Ma. T. N. Hicks, as he appeared in the “ Grand, origiwal, melodramatic, equestrian Spectacle of ALFreD THE GueatT; or, And | have nothing better to say of those Danes, from their king downwards, fact, the picture is neither more nor less than an example of the tawdriest style of third-rate theatrical grouping, and I do not see how | can say anything harsher. Yes—Mr. Macuse must be borne, with Ma. Lesiz, to the Chamber of Horrors. But I will follow him with —_ on my hump and baton, and my drum shall be muffled, and my Pan’s-pipes 5 sound the Dead March in Saul, and Tosy shall wear mourning on his tail, and everything shall show that I feel the full import of the sad solemnity at. which I am assisting. Next week, if you please, for a few words about some Landscapes. THE EPSOM-GIPSY’S ART OF TELLING FORTUNES. ___YSf) HE art is very simple. It de- su kealdel alu ajoar wRALQUINTIN TTT Te | nds entirely wpon the price. igusreiean Nf f a | ‘Thelargerthe prissthestonager H| il | ed Kl the fortume. For instance, pnt i s | SS here is A FORTUNE PORVSIXPENCE. “ Now my fine young gen- tleman I see by thewmarks of your haad that you are.in love andithat-your love isvavielack- haived young lady but: she has married and has the Little Beara put together. Now please yewmy fine ’ gentleman | see-an evil limein your hand witieh tells me-you will destroy ameld of in jar mete \. ihyouwhadeeoked into it before _ you had throwntitinto. the fire you would beve found: te-een- tain a sum of fifty thousand : pounds all in new hank notes ' from Her blessed Masesty’s | blessed Mint whieh may the lueky stars always protect together with Pamvog ALBert and allthat belongs:'to her. Now sir may you always back the winning | horse sir and-never cut: yourself in shaving sir but marry the young lady that is dear to your heartiand order the eoachman to give the poor Gipsy something to drink your honour’s health.” Here, however, is something much better. It isa PORTUNE FOR A SHILIANG, AND A LEG OF A CHICKEN. “ My dear pretty: young lady,—Lseeby your sweet hand which is as full of kisses | as # baby’s a“ that your heart will have more love than it will know how to hold and a fine young gentleman will come and ask you for some of it and you will give | give it to me for thesake of the young bairn that is sick at home and wishes she | gipsy’s blessing always brings’ flowers to the cheek it falls upon and fortune will smile upen-you my dear young lady like a young mother upon her new born. ehild and you will-walk all your life through fields of hay and a earriage and four hopees, to carry you home when you require change of air or-you have forgotten to order your dinner. And hearts my lady will fall into your lap assurely as those seraps: will fall into mine when your isdyship has done with them—and which will makea delicious broth for the Gipsy and ber poor bairn when they taste it with the remembrance of your ladyship’s kindness. The stars protect you my sweet lady—-aod may the angel you’re so like always smile down upon you from ven!” Perhaps, however, it is wrong to pay the Gipsy before-hand. It is always best to pay her afterwards, and then to let your generosity ran in generous proportion to hers’. A penny for every thousand pounds—or a farthing for every child promised —would be a handsome percentage which no Gipsy, considering the liberality with which they distribute their tempting promises, would object to. — A glass of -wine inistered in , of course, has its effect upon the could only thank you for it like her poor mother whieh | am sure she does with all! her heart-and many blessings to-you, my beautiful young lady for the same and a| is much weaker in matters of fact than in matters of magnitude of the. fortune. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 233 THE POETICAL COOKERY-BOOK. —~— APPLE PIE, Armn—* All that's bright must fade.” ALL new dishes fade— The newest oft the fleetest ; Of all the pies now made, The Apple’s stil! the sweetest ; Cut and come again, The newest oft the fleetest ; But of all the pies now made, The Apple ’s still the sweetest. Who absurdly buys Fruit not worth the baking ? oe 1 not Rasta Shetiaamehoane eh bmenenbess On it there ’s no relying : ‘That must all be weigh’d, In the very: finest Will enclose and bake it. Pies have each their grade ; But, when this thou eatest, Of all that e’er were ‘ You’! say ’tis best and sweetest. THE SPORTING PROPHETS. TueERe never was a stronger illustration of the fact of being “ out for the day,” than that furnished by the sporting rophets, who were one and all “out” for the Derby day. The eyes of “ Ancus,” the prophet employed by the Post seemed to have all missed the winning-post ; “ Pecasvs,’ of Bell's Life, seems to have used his wings for the wildest it him ag kindly-asyou-weuld that nice breast of a chicken if I were to ask you to; flights of the imagination; and, as to “Vartes,” of the Advertiser, he should, henceforth, adopt the poetical rather than the prophetical version of his name ; for it is clear he fiction. Agreement is generally a proof of correctness, and may have the benefit of that one point in their favour, for their/unanimity in being all wrong is really quite wonderful. ‘The Late “(Affair’’ of Humbug. ‘We have been requested to state by the “ Cock-pheasant” supposed to have been present at the recent duel, that he was not there at all, but that the bird actually in attendance was an ordi coek-sparrow, which thestate of mindof the i into the more. important member of the | tribe on the occasion in question. The scream sup- posed to have been beard is now understood to have been bec echo of a bray eo maternal fewer calling home her as it is believed parties it. wpon @ very eon- siderable mare’s nest.

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a eee aa) ey i S 7 . a en ata paeemrerte si pirate eb re ke “i Ti en gl treet Pern T loa Dein na nent | { PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. 1 - THE POLITICAL CHAMELEON. cat \ \ iy ea wri) | AY \ \ ii \ | ha pat os ip “a a %/ ON p* a he 1 i} ? hi} \\ \ ii WY Ay," ’ i Equestrian, “NO, I SHAN’T STOP FOR THE LAST RACE; I MUST GET TO TOWN, TO GO TO AN EVENING PARTY.” What's to be Done with the Serpentine? Tue Serpentine is still confined to its bed with that unpleasant eruption of green spots on its face and bosom, which have rendered it such a disagreeable object im the noses—of the neighbourhood. The disgusting state of the patient may be conceived, from the fact that it has not had its bed made for years, and that any attempt to improve the condition of the bed has been met with a supply of wet blankets by those to whom the case has been intrusted. Some hopes have lately been raised—on the principle that one disease sometimes alleviates another—by the development of a mild case of cataract in the head of the unhappy River, under the form of the old Waterfall, which has recently been set running. The only treatment we can recommend for the Serpentine is the total clearing out of its bed, and we are sure the Government need have no difficulty on the subject, since it has pumps enough in its employ for tae purpose required. Mute. Wacwer anp THe Cuancettorn.—On the decision of the Lonp CHANCELLOR, Mute. Wacwer was immediately heard to sing: and to sing very small indeed. A PABLE FOR THE TIMES. Tis oft the lot of Punch to mark An empty sub-official spark, — a pe enough at most o occupy the whipping-post. Yet round the Lobbres he has been To see what Members can be seen, Returning from his servile tour, Grown ten times perter than before. Whate’er opinion you may drop, The Whipper-in your mouth will stop. “ Sir, if my jadgment you ’ll allow, I ought officially to know.” So asks you—free from all condition— To pay to him a prompt submission. Two country-men, of such a cast, As the refreshment-room they pass’d, And on their way, in empty chat, Talk’d much of this, more of that, Touching on all things as they went, Spoke of the present Government. “A stranger compound,” cried the one, “ Never existed ‘neath the sun : A Tory body, hot and strong, Protection’s head, a Free Trade tongue ; Its teeth to bite its tongue inclined, And then its tail—how far behind ! How slow its pace! and then its hue, The regular Protection blue.” “Hold there! ” the other quick replies ; “Its Free Trade colours met my eyes, As it with open mouthpiece lay At Aylesbury the other day. Taking it cool, the thing I view’d, Eating its very words for food.” “T’ve seen it, Sir, as well as you, And say it takes Protection’s hue. At Ipswich I the creature saw, The while it exercised its jaw.” “ Free Trade, Free Trade, Sir, I assure you.’ “ Free Trade!” cries t’other, in a fury, “ Do you believe my wits I’ve lost ?” The friend replies, “’T were no great cost ; For, if they ant oy always thus, They are not w the smallest fuss So high at last the contest rose The Members nearly came to blows ; When, luckily, there came a third, To whom the matter they referr’d, And begg’d he’d tell them if they knew Protection’s shade from Free Trade’s hue. “ Sirs,” cried the umpire, “cease your bother, The Government’s nor one nor t’other. I saw the animal last night; : View’d it by House of Commons’ light. I mark’d it well—the truth to hint, The body wears a neutral tint. You stare! bat I’ve a in view To prove the fact.”—* ately Sir, do.” “ Well, then, at once to clear the doubt, we turn the creature out, SORA! Thaw And ’s then Trade, I'll eat him.” He : then full before their sight The Government d—twas white. With no decided shade to rank, It had become a perfect blank. All stared and look’d extremely wise. “ My victims,” the Ex-Premier cries, (For being out, he found bis tongue) “ You all were right, and all were wrong : When next you speak of placemen’s hues, Remember there are selfish views ; Nor wonder if ’tis sometimes shown, A Government can sink its own.” Resor aL —tEs CRYSTAL PALACE, from Hyde Park to Sydenham, for change of air. | |

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2 A Scie REE Soper pone tie on ce ig Td Zz. © =) . =) Ss — ae QO ‘2 = — = ee ol - a ca an —

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weer ii I - 3 : et ala G : a ana) Pe . + Fey Bien a oe a Cs os ny a -~ cept Hen it lee een ee enero atte I AN i «Se

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PUNCH: OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. 237

Send sue mepeteaiie Sab interest, Te conshesion OUR CAMPAIGNS WITH WELLINGTON. rendered very rareexcite but maybe derived from the contemple tion of the Weturwerow Campaigns; and we advise everybody to ‘, beitle-feld —— bes | enlist in the service—of the proprietors—immediately. It is said that field for the im - fone volunteer is worth wiquens men; but, though we went as whieh the a a le, /men of the press, we were e very welcome, and excellent quarters while the body keeps out of harm’s way, should go to = the Gallery of aatann, where they may take par MY MEMBER. in all the exploits of F. | THE Duke or Weiiineton. | Respectfully dedicated to the Rigut Honovraste tHe Marquis OF Having the honour to hold Lonponperry, by his sincere admirer, Mr. Puncn. a commission in the cele- brated Puack corps, which Wuo, now that naughty CasTLeREaGcH has served in so many good With Saanman CrawrorD’s gone astray, actions during a long literary | For Downshire ought to win Ge day ? campaign, we placed our- My Member. eclvee of the'Bead of the) Who, since the seat I’ve dearly bought troops who are daily besieg- Must in for it at once be brought — ing the doors of the Gallery | (At least so I have always thought) ? in Regent-Street. Pushing y M Member - gallantly forward, we pro-| y ‘ * ceeded into the. inate, be if pate his wal eam where we received a slight | 1s views to mine pone, | ». check, but this only encou- | Shall overboard at once be thrown ? ee to proceed, and we ultimately sat down, with a considerable | My Member. side réserve—whieh filled the reserved seate—for the purpose of | Who, when I say that is ti » ye Finding our position a good one, we determined } That truth is falsehood, b! tite hold it in company with some “troops” of friends by whom we | Mast take the-seif--ame point of sight ? eae anaes few infantry ; Ss +" a | My Member. | considerable army of occupation, occupying the lines in front of the wh Tho tat vie hat presented itself to Dangan Castle, in th | And; bovssnedainctiond. t view t I us was stle, in the | county of Meath, the birth-place of the Duxz, to whom we imme-| Must, if he wvld epeak, speak my mind ? diately attached ourselves—though not quitting the mental reserves— My Member. in the capacity of Aide-de-Camp. We were at once conveyed to Serin- Who, with my letters ne’er must fence, gapatam, under the directions of Generat Hanes, and had the But praise the style and ad guess the sense, satisfaction of sharing the retirement of the celebrated Mus. Haggis | Despite of number, mood, and tense ? during the dangers of the siege, though we had the pleasure of wit My Member. | nessing the striking picture of the removal of Tirroo to the tomb ot Who, in the park, or in the street, | Hyper Aut We continued to accompany the illustrious warrior Shall have a nod whene’er we meet, | through his Indian campaigns, and had the honour of carrying the And at my balls shall shake his feet ? colours—in our eye—at the battle of Assaye, where the standard of | My Member. | perfection was gallantly maintained by Cartarns Gairve, TELBIN, and Apsoton. The horse were admirably managed and skilfully drawn Who, ’neath such epee shower’d en masse, up by Hind-and-fore-Quarter-Master ALFRED CoRBOULD, whose animal | From mere humanity pass, | spirits secured the admiration of all present. And be my man, my ox, my ass? ving India, we proceeded to ——_ and were soon opposite My Lisbon, whose port—though neither d <7 nor full of body, for there is | pm bh, "of el eo ly —_ y poe be eames e next the satisfaction o g present at the taking of Talavera, and ot nail wanedateatinasttiing ef 0 ttendip glass THE CRYSTAL PALACE IN THE ORYSTAL VILLAG®. | of wine between the English and’ French during a temporary truce,| Wuew a new site was sought for the Crystal Palace, the Bisnor or when they met on the banks of a stream that divided them. Loxpow asked only £100 a-year rent per acre for certain of his jands; | _ Still accompanying the renowned hero, we were present at the battle | a proof that Bishops know t + of this earth. The Bishop's offer | of Busaco, and assisted, with our own hand, in letting off a round of | being declined, Mr. we oe hy, elsewhere, and Sydenham— lause, which those who carried the colours into the battle elicited. Sydenham is hesceforth to he Orystal Village!” Aite ra few other — ny scenes, in which we continued to act asan| Of the future wonders ~~ aw Crystal Palace itself, we can scarcely d ourselves entering Madrid by the side| speak; but we have no doubt, whatever, that when the glorious fabric of caer x ie oe numerous vicissitudes, we ultimately | is up, the ee es suburbs of London will, in so far as rents are con- formed of a wing—the white feather, warranted to fly—at the! “— & well-nigh down. Battle of Waterloo. r notions of this celebrated action having been | a the continuance of the Palace in the Park origi | hitherto Mt by Stangate on the north, and the Westminster Koad | nated fof by certain aristocratic bodies; and now, —— | on the west, were Arey, bone ~ enlarged by the view that Mr. Grieve! the result! og ig now 8o full of remorse for what the and his feilow-artists we taken—and given of it. The battle presents done—are now so teasingly possessed by the belief that the Sonal | one curious feature in the fact, that a Buucwer trod very closely inthe Palace will draw around it all the “ rank and fashion ” of London, that shoes of a WELLINGTON. | ground-rents in the neighbourhood of Sydenham, or the Crystal Vill | his brings us to the close of WELLINcTon’ s Campaigns ; and we, —as it will henceforth be called—mount like quicksilver. Aaune | advise everybody—even those who, having been in them already, have | earliest visitors has been Lory CamPsett, who, it is said—for we do | no objection to fight their battles harmlessly over again—to go and not pledge ourselves to the fact—bas offered any money for a site, as take part in them as we have done. It is a pleasing sign of the times, | near as possible to the Palace, for a new mansion. Jupoe Cresswell | and a mark of good taste on the part of the artists, that oF pm has also been seen in the neighbourhood. A large plot of land was are not chiefly of battles and sieges ;” but of “ sites, | colour, | about og it was discovered that the purchaser was an | and costume,” which the proprietors say it has been their main purpose | agent of Lo EYMOUR’s; whereupon the public-spirited individual, to delineate. | the owner, declared off ; consenting only to part with so much as—if The Duxe or Weiiinctor is a great man, no doubt, and the cir-| his Lordship were of becoming a tenant upon any terms— | cumstances of the age in which he lived, caused his greatness to be would allow-him to ee —— in war; but there is in these days little sympathy with “deeds| The migration from the west-end towards the Crystal Vi! will, it of battle,” and the artists have shown their true appreeiation of public | is expected, be so great, that Tottenham-court will be able to taste by keeping: = in the - md, as far as they could, ur move to Kessington ; Spitalfields or Shoreditch dropping to Tottenham- | while —— ELLINGTON. court Road. Already, an enthusiastic licensed victualler has given =s. for every incident in the Diorama, | notice of application or a tavern, to be called The Sibthorp’s Head ; it | showing the better side of human nature, meets with hearty applause ;| must be owned, rather an ominous sign for a landlord who would not while the one or two scenes of mere carnage—which are judieioasly | have an empty house.

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| 238 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL | “Mr. Domuretc O’Rvark, being under the impression that Mr. Go- MINUTES OF A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MR. JOSHUA GOLIGHTLY, AND MR. THOMAS WADDLEDOT. To the Editor of Punch, “ Srn,—Inaccurate versions of the subjoined circumstances, highly derogatory to the parties concerned, having been extensively circulated, we have the honour to request the favour of your inserting ia your journal the enclosed minutes of the same. “We have the honour to be, Sir, “Your most obedient servants, “Dominic O’Ruark, A.B., T.C.D. James SimpKiys, “ Lieutenant, Honourable Artillery Company, Bun! “ May 26. Fie'ds.” “Mr. Domtyic O’Ruark having been deputed by Mz. WappLepot on the lst ult. to wait upon Mr. Goricutiy for the purpose of requesting an explanation of the words, ‘You’re another,’ as applied to Mr. Wappiepot by Mr. GoticutLy at a meeting of the Piect Vestry of the Parish of St. Rump-cum-Dozen, Bishopsgate Street Without, was referred by Mr. Goticutty to Mr. Simpxins, who at once admitted the substantial accuracy of the report of Ma, GoLicHTLy’s language on that occasion, and jus‘ified it on the ground of the epithets ‘muff, impostor, and whens humbug,’ previously applied to Mr. Wapp.epot by Mr. Goticut ty. “*Mr. Dominic O’Rvakrk, on the part of Mz, WappLepor, disclaimed any intention on the part of Mrz. Wappiepor of using the words, ‘muff, impostor, and out-and-out humbug,’ in any sense personally derogatory to Mr. GonieutLy, and accordingly called upon Mr. Srupxins, on the part of Mr. Goticut iy, to withdraw the offensive expression, ‘You’re another,’ as applied by Mr. GoLicutiy to Mr. Wapptepor. “Mr. Simpkins, on the part of Mr. Gotientty, declined to with- draw such offensive expression, as not being of a nature to wound the feelings of Mr. WappLepor on the view expressed by Mr. Dominic O’Ruark, inasmuch as the words ‘muff, impostor, and out-and-out humbug,’ not having been used by Mr. WappLepor in a sense personally derogatory to Mr. GotiGHTLy, the words, ‘ You’re another,’ as applied by Mr. Goticutty to Mr. WappLepor, could not be admitted by Mr. Srwrxins to be personally derogatory to Mx. Wap- pLepot; and Mr. Simpxiys further maintained, that Mr. Wappiepor was another, and concluded by requesting Mz. Dominic O’Rvuark to request Mr. Wapp.epor to put that in his pipe and smoke it— meaning the offensive and derogatory language set forth as above. LIGHTLY was a snob and a ruffian, com this impression to Mr. 4 } | SiMPKINS in distinct terms, and declined to withdraw anything, at the | same time pointing out to Mr. Srmexrys that if he had the spirit of a | pediculaneous reptile, he would know the proper course to be taken as between one gentleman and another under the circumstances. “Mr. Srwpxtns stated thereupon that Mr. Dominic O’Rvarx was an individual and a blackguard, and requested Mr. Dominic O’Ruarx to leave his shop, or he (Mx. Smorpxuns) would kick him (Mr. Dommic O’ RvuaRrk) into the street. The hostile meeting between Mn. Wappieport and Ma. Goticutiy came off on the 25th instant ; when the parties met in Battersea Fi and after an interchange of one shot from Mr. WappLepot, who at random, and accidentally shot a donkey belonging to a gentleman lof the neighbourhood—Mr. GoticuTty’s pistol having been on half- | cock at the moment of his pulling the trigger, and, therefore, not goi off—Mr. Wapp.epot, through Mr. Dominic O’Ruark, his phn declared himself perfectly satisfied: and the parties, after spending the ala tt el aid > —- & * = —aei~ rH, Oe he | . ——e | : 4 ; aw day pleasantly together in a dry skittle-ground adjoining, in a in a state of excitement, with Mr. Dommic O’Ruarxk on the box. Most Unpardonable. Tue Clerk of the Weather sends us word that “the reason of | | Wednesday last being such a very wet day at Epsom is easily ac- | }counted for by the very simple fact of a Dersy holding the razs of | government this year.” (We have left directions at the Office that the | left together | | Clerk of the Weather’s word is never to be taken for the future.—ED. | Punca.)

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

THE ARABS IN PARIS. Certarw Arab Chiefs—quite a sample of their race—have had their jon finished in Paris. They return to the desert shining with French polish. Galignani—always brimful of French sentiment accord- ing to the demand of the market—relates how, before the departure of the Chiefs, they visited the widow of Marana Buceaub, to express their admiration of the General who had destroyed thousands of their countrymen ; and to-sympathise with the widow om the cause of her forlornness. The Kalifa of Constantine said :— “ The good which the Marshal has done is immense ; he has sown it in our country as @ labourer sows barley in the furrows, for his name is written not only in our) hearts, but his works are engravenin indelible characters on our mountains and in our plains.” Onee-upon a time a man sowed gunpowder, mistaking it for onion- seed; the Marshal’s premeditated sowing must have been of this sort ; although Arab gratitude has taken the sulphur and saltpetre*for barley.

The Marshal’s works, moreover, are no doubt engraven deeply as sword and fire could cut and seathe them. However, when the formal acknowledgment of the Marshal’s good works was expressed, and the| < - are ’ many beautifal stories were related for} * : of episco and capitulaf conversation became ge’ the delight and comfort of the bereaved widow.

THE DUCKS OF THE CHURCH. E know how Mrs. Bovrwe invited— in her blandest way—her dear little ducks to come and be killed. And, doubtless, it was the politeness of the landlady that always deprived the cere- mony of kil of its usual inconvenience. Now, Lorp BLanprorD would sacrifice dis Ducks of the Church in the rudest and least cere- monious manner, without any consent soever asked or given. His Lordship has, in the most summary way, in- troduced a Bill “to make better provision for the ma- nagement and distribution revenues.” Whereat certain | ‘ . ; “ Another related the combat of the Sikaf, and the moment when Gewenax Mos-| Members of the Bristol Church Union—clerical and lay—are much TAPHA Bou IsmagL, when wounded in the hand with a musket-ball, d-posited at the feet of the conqueror three heads which he had himself cut off” What a pity that the heads themselves were not forthcoming! The | sentiment that still embalmed them for the consideration of the| Marshal’s widow would then have beeneomplete. The Marshal visited the prisoners in the rude campaign of 1846-47, when “ As fatigue and privation had dried up the milk of several of the women, the Doz p'Isty had provided them with goats for the nourishment of their children.” The husbands of the women had their throats cut—but the fatherless | babes were “provided with goats!” Hereupon; Manpame Bueraup | wept; when another chief having comforted her, there was a general| chorus : “ And now, thanks be to God for having procured us the satisfaction of seeing the | som and the widow of him who fills our hearts and our mouthm.” | The mouths filled by the Marshal in Algeria are, doubtless, not to be counted ; mouths too, with their country—(é. ¢., their country’s clay). j Galignani does not tell us whether the entertainment at the house of | the widow coneluded with fireworks ; but—in honour of the memory | of the Marshal—they ought. A lively representation of the caves of Dahra, with a portrait of Psttssrer, would have made a transparency | —though nothing, by possibility, more ee sn than the atrocious mockery that sent the Arabs to fawn upon the widow of a tyrant and | butcher. THE CAUCASIAN BROTHERS. Teextraordinary sympathy of the Corsican Brothers—so bemutifully | developed by Kean at the Pri ’s aud Bucxstonw at the Hay-| market—has asserted its mysterious in the real besoms-of real | life. The Ricar How; Bensamu ELI and theejected Davin Satomons—of the Caucasian race —Caucasian Brothers, bave in a| marvellous manner felt the inflnence of fraternal sympathy. The drama} of the stage—got up with all possible effects—is nothing to the drama) of: polities. A few recorded instances may serve to show the stu-| peudous truth of this discovery. } Davin Satomons is fined for}; Berxsawrw Disrartr is snubbed sitting and voting in the House of for Free Trade admissions, by Commons. Dersy. Davip agaim addresses the elec-| BensaMry again returns to Pro- tors of Greenwich. | tection. Davin is dropped by Lonp Jonx' Bunsamin, meeting him at the RUSSELL. a) Ball, shakes his Lordship y the Davin, desponding, doubts; Buxsamer, in high spirits, de-| whether next Session he shall sit | termimes to lead the House. in Parliament, Davip determines to have a suit} Benyamun orders of his tailor a of smail-coal and sackcloth. bran-new Windsor uniform. Davi resolves—come what may, Bexsauan—come what. may—| next Session—to sit upon the steps upon the Treasury Bench. of the House of Commons. Davin will again ask of Bemza-| Bewsamun will move the pre-| uty, “Are you not aman and a} vious question. brother ?” | TO CORRESPONDENTS. THe original Do-the-Boys Hall was in Yorkshire. There is an establishment of the same name in the neighbourhood of Westminster Abbey. For further particulars apply to the Dean and Chapter of that | collegiate Church. i seandalised and astonished; protesting that no such Bill should become an Act, “ without the previous deliberation and concurrence or the Church.of England!” Such consent—even as the consent of the landlady’s docks to be killed—wonuld no dowht be cheerfully obtained, if properly solicited. We would, then, advise Lonp Bianprorp to try the persuasive tones of his voice; and before proceeding further with his Bill, to take his way to Fulham, and at the doors of the palace to cry, through a silver speaking trumpet—“ Bishop, Bishop, Bishop, come and be plucked!” We have no doubt whatever of the answer. THE ORACLE OF DERBY. Wuar hope, what. fear, attend on Densy’s breath ! The other day he sigh’d Protection’s death ;_ Last night his Lordship sang a different strain, And threatened to restore the tax on grain. The landlord now his homeyed words content, With promise of a seeme to screw up rent, Excite in aered squires a merry mood, And make the people trembie for their food. Now bodes his to the rural pack, Wik ned deeartesh bribe ith blank dismay appals the rustic oaves, And bids us all expect perennial loaves. ——- anon my Lord to menace seems, flatter SpooweR’s mind with pleasing dreams ; The sweet musicians then with hope he feeds, The tuneful band of brass that Kzoow leads ; In short, to speak the speech of conimon ure, The noble Earl keeps talking fast and loose ; Pearls black and white in his discourse are strung, And my Lorp Dersy has a double tongue.

Sale of the Soult Gallery. Tue spoils of Sour’s Spanish campaign have been sold within the i i The pa rs § past few days, in Paris. of the crowds that beset the place. Ata certain time came the Paestpent to have a look at the works ; | when the sergens-de-ville, much to the disgust of the Parisians, entered and cleared a way for the ruler of France. Louis Naroteon was highly delighted with many of the paintings! Now as they were nearly all of them originally stolen, we wonder whether the admiration of the PRESIDENT was raised more by the works themselves than by the means | by which they were obtained? Any way, it was a proper tribute to the memory of plunderer of Spain that his m les should be daly considered by the burglar of France.

“ Prophetic” Emigration. We should recommend “ Arcus,” and “Vartes,” and “Param,” | and “ Toucustons,” and “ Pereasus,” and the whole tribe of sporting Seers and Soothsayers to emigrate as fast as they can, for it bas been most clearly proved by their late Derby failure that they are “no | Prophets in their.own country.” AN EVIL OF THEIR. OWN ELECTION. Even since the Electors of St. Alban’s and Sudbury have been dis- franchised, they have been going about declaring they are the * Victims of Mis-representation.” Tue Dvuetisr’s Farexsy 1x Nezp.—A police-officer.

ae Sa pe TO er v.< we, : ee

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— —— PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ———: ONE OF THE EFFECTS OF THE BLAGKGUARD BETTING OFFICES. Sporting Character. “1 pon’r ExactLy Like Rosse Master, But I must Meer my Encacements.” i eS by which the 2 earned—stripped of every sou. ——$- | And now, here she is again! _ Here is the poor old wom 75— | RAPID GROWTH IN ENGLAND. | once more on the tight-rope, dancing for bread at the Hi rome, in It is very curious how rapidly one grows in England sometimes. This has been the case more particularly lately. e have known young persons grow suddenly four, five, and six years older within the present twelvemonth. Many elderly young men about town, who, not more than six months ago, were scarcely thirty-two years of age, now confess to their being “six and thirty, if they’re a day.” We are at! a loss to know what particular cause to attribute this rapid growth to, | unless perchance it is the fear of the Militia Bill already beginning to | operate. ‘This is not unlikely, for it is alread sufficiently known that that bellicose measure exempts from service “all persons after the age of thirty-five.” It is the fear of being compelled to wear an odious, vulgar uniform, and the bore of having to do duty every year for twenty- one days, that has caused so many of our antiquated beaux, who, ‘aly last season, were so astonishingly young, to make such a tremendous jump forward in the calculation of their ages. It is lucky that the ladies, the elderly belles, who become younger the older they grow, ge, & even StBaD poor be anything like that pi ie vee © ing apame Saqut! burning and blue fire rising a thousand bubbles about her— rained seemed } Amman ; showers that And M shaving, like » spider, run a long thread of life, rea bed, tg li money. She bad foregone the brother ” \ the. | theatre, was on the rs . a ~ becoming bank- pts > i ADAME Saqui paid Well, with a heavier load of years upon her shoulders, the devoted “ Who was the manager of rupt, with debts amounti: the whole amount, and rope; balancing and dancing away; but somehow not dancing fortune back to her. However, she managed to save some 30,000f. in Spain; but as Spaniards rarely suffer so much to leave their country, she was | strip by rae 7 ee who deserved every inch of the rope Paris ! Reader, does not that old rope-dancer teach a touching lesson? Is she not in her wrinkles a noble object of self-devotion?. Poor old soul! She may dance—dancing on a rope, with seventy-five years upon her head!—dance amidst showers 0 works,—but there is a ae of goodness brighter than Bengal lights, more radiant than “ golden drops.” Granted, it may be possible to find selfishness even upon a throne. May it not be equally possible to behold self-sacrifice even upon a rope ! PUNCH’S CRUELTY TO QUOTATIONS BILL. Mr. Puwcu has observed, with extreme regret, that in. spite of his. humane exertions, both Timeo Danaos Rusticus expectat have been have no female Militia Bill to act upon their fears in a similar way. Eagles at Feeding Time. Roya eagles can, on occasion, feed together pacifically as doves ; witness the banquet lately held at the Royal Palace, Berlin, when the Eagle of Kussia and the Beagle of Prussia pecked a bit together. The Prussian Eagle rose and shook himself, and gave the health of the Eagle of Russia, saying :— “God preserve him to that portion of his world which he has given him /or an inheritance, and to our epoch, to which he is indispensable /” “ Lét Newron be, and all was light,” says the poet: let Nicnonas have Russia, Poland, &c., &c., for his double beak,—and let us possess him to our epoch, for which his gunpowder is indispensable. Colour for an American's Remark. Tue American Minister, dining with the Fishmongers, is reported | = to have said, “ This corporation has the honour of numbering among | ~ its members the man who slew Wat Ty.LeR.” It seems strange that an American should have sympathised against, instead of with, the patriotic blacksmith; bat perhaps that anomaly may be explained by the supposition that he did not reflect that a black smith is not neces- sarily a nigger. A LETTER FRESH FROM THE COVER. “Tue Cock Paeasant, who witnessed the duel at Weybridge, presents his compliments to Punch, and begs to assure him, on his word as a Bird who only frequents the tables of the Rich, that he merely was | preomn on that ridiculous occasion in order to make game of the entire affair.” Tue Earty Crosixc Movement.—It was extraordinary the number | vagari of Betting Offices that were closed early the morning after the Derby ! publicly maltreated in the House of Commons. Once more he ro Seen to beg the assist- >, ance of his kind in aid of his bill for |) the suppression of these enormities. Besides the list of unhappy Quotations— poor refugees from the Latin authors, which Mr. Punch claimed protection for, when he last addressed the House on this matter—there are a few more which claim the same con- sideration :—E£. g. ¥ Why cannot the probable punishment of a nefarious minister be hinted at without our \ venerable friend, Raro antecedentem scelestum \ being dragged in? If the British nation be degenerated, say s0 like a man, my dear Member ; don’t stoo the all | | > ee Se. . ; undoubted! distin- | guished in“the mechanical arts in England, but why should poor Excudent alii, &c., pay the penalty of it ? Nobody can doubt that life has its share of annoyances, but why add to the share of poor dear Surgit amari ba ar ? Then, Biocstey is elegant and s ive eternity ot his own excellent dinners); but Punck doesn’t see wh ra flammantia menia | mundi should be cudgelled into poor | public to his faculties ! And if the Naprers are brave and ant warriors, Punch, for one, | would scorn to panegyrise them at the miserable expense of poor Duo fulmina belli. Really, gentlemen, cannot you make up your minds to allude to the ies of Bloomers without making Varium et mutabile semper Femina S aS LEX ST quiores mox dicturos, bear the brunt of it ! Printed by William Bredbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. P Office in Lombard Street, in the frecinet of Whitefriars , in the City of Londos, and P and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No.7, Chureh Row, Stoke Newington, both in the County of Middlesex, by them at No. 8% Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride's im the City of London. —Sarvapar, June Sth, sister had her shoes chalked once more, and once more mounted the | Printers, at the’ 862.

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL | ciples! on} which our ‘glorious Constitution,” &c., it ‘would be much ELECTIONEERING LETTER-WRITER. | more dignified, as well as judicious, to write plainly and confidently in a —_ ee ON Sowa 8 ee ee | contemplated the good of the electors. If he had | own advantage, or the simple gratification of his personal vanity and THERE is great room | for improvement in| the addresses which | candidates for seats | in Parliament are| this way :— * To the Voters of Fenborough. 4 eee = AND ae poy - . . ni t myself as candidate to represent your borough in the House of Commons, “ T have the honour of being recommended to you by the eminent now writing to their) nobleman who owns so much property among you; and on whose ‘2 constituents. Most of these com- positions are couched In @ coaxing tone, which is very mean, and express a defer- | ence and a respect | are “ay which are manifestly | += affected. A foes and | independent elector, | if he has the senti-| ments of an English- 2 man, must feel in- sulted by an attempt to wheedle and flatter him out of his vote. He must know that no/ heen gentleman would, in so abject a manner, solicit the honour of his boots. Yet the man who represents you in the House of Commons —your Parliamentary servant—must work harder than your f if not do work as dirty. He can have no legitimate motive to such an office, but a sense of duty; and that would induce him to apply for it in the style of one who feels that he is offering to confer a favour —not asking for one, As thus, for example— “ To the Electors of Mudford. “ GENTLEMEN, “Having no business of my own to attend to, I am willing to undertake yours; and if you choose to return me as one of your Members of Parliament, I will accept the employment. I make this announcement to you at the instance of some friends of mine, who represent to me that I have leisure which | ought to devote to the good of my fellow-men, and that my qualifications would best enable me to serve them in the capacity of legislator. . “The labour of a conscientious Member of Parliament is very burdensome. It takes a great deal of trouble to get up the facts and figures which he must master in order to understand the political questions that come before him—more particularly if he is to take part in their discussion. He has to sit up late at nights in an unwholesome atmosphere, listening to all manner of rigmarole and empty prolixity ; and besides, he is liable to serve on Committees, which is a monstrous bore. For all this he is rewarded, in a great measure, with obloquy, abuse, and ridicule. “ However, these tasks must be performed x A some persons; and doubtless the individuals on whom they naturally devolve, are those who, like myself, have more money and time than they can spend, y, om their own affairs. “ My abilities to discharge the duties which 1 will allow you to impose upon me, consist in a strong sense of justice, a clear under- standing, a consi amount of acquired knowledge on most | subjects, especially those of history and law, and a facility in the logical | and mY poo expression of my ideas. x, “Should you think proper to return me, I shall feel bound to acquit | myself of my obligations to you, rary can, 3 “T do not see why I should you to accept my proposition, but | should it appear eligible to you, } can only say that you are at liberty | to take the necessary steps for s:suring my election, with the distinct | understanding, that my return oust be free of expense, as [ consider | that in dedicating to you my time and services, 1am making as great a sacrifice as can be expected of me. “ At your command, then, Gentlemen, I remain, “Your obedient servant, “ Reform Club, June, 1852. “ Anistipes Brown.” “PS. My political views are based on the principles of truth and equity, in which you must confide if you mean me to be your repre-| sentative: for I cannot give pledges as to particular measures, with respect to which my conduct might be determined by circumstances.” Such as the above would be the address of the candidate who only merely in view his ambition, he would take another tone—the usual one. Even a Tory might as well be open and straightforward. Instead of | Crumblestone Hall, June, 1852. and the nation at large, as well as 1) i describing himself, in the style of a pu ilor, as coming forward, “on the Conservative interest, to uphold those time-honoured prin- patronage so many of you chiefly subsist. “ My politics are the same as that distinguished nobleman’s, They are ee: identical with those of higher, clersy, and to aly the a na residing among ing 80 largely with the pete Bart rat ofessional no in your oo > “ For most of you this intimation will suffice; but probably there you some free and pendent men to whom I may as “Tam, ihgeey- | I py lary ne enlightenment, x popular nt, education oil and liberty. - _ be confined to our old Universities idge, and that instead of going op, we should go country, our policy, for upwards of twenty years, has pared to vote for the re-enactment of of the Roman Catholic system of Parliamentary Reform Bill, so called. Should yw the reversal of these my best to frustrate them, and amongst well state my r returning to the representation which was changed by no statesman have the moral courage to mi measures, I will at least do them inoperative. . “TI advocate the restitution of slavery in the Colonies. I would restore the wholesome severity of the penal code. It is my conviction that all yy to be hanged, and I think the country suffers seri their not being so, besides having to maintain such ons an existence, of which they should, by rights, have been eprived. k The system of impressment is one which I would strongly maintain. lt not a recruited our navy; but it gave county magistrates and other gentlemen opportuniti hee getting rid of troublesome fellows. “T would su: the full revival of flogging in the army. “T would put limits to the use of machinery and the operations of trade, in order to depress the manufacturer to his proper level, beneath the agriculturist, so as to give a due predominance to the landed interest, which I esteem as & s No, 1. “T consider the incomes of Bishops sacred, and would suffer no alteration in the distribution of Church property. “ All innovations in Chancery, or in any department of the law, under the name of reforms, I resist, as injurious to the vested interests of the legal profession, : ; “I will concur in any proposition to double our land ‘and sea forces. I would render the Game-laws more stringent. “| would retain sinecures, as affording decent provision for gen- ar E syeent F on ad aow of Monopoly, and “Tam 0 to Free Trade, and an advocate 0 the privileges of the Few as opposed to the claims of the Many. There will be plenty of strong beer at the Hog-in-Armour, where | have fixed my quarters. “T have the honour to be, &c, “ Motperwoop Mripew.” Taz Panty “wo was a Ceptatyry” rom Taz Emrrnon’s Pratt. N.B. Senp 18 Postrace Sramrs. VOL, XXII. B

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Tipe owe OR te 0 eR date =e ae grt “~ SS aT a nent ey a es aS aa 242 PUNCH, OR THE LONDO?) CHARIVARL | 7 UTIL) i FUTURE MEMBER FOR BEDLAM. —e -—— ie ae ||| HI i 7 I J + moth ae maith fT a al | \Hl} A Al| = SS | i Fé |= = u —_ = s \ THE BETTING FEVER. TO GENTLEMEN IN DIFFICULTIES. PLANTAGENET Bootie owes—let us — en thousand pounds ! For a Boots, a milk-score; yea, an ass’s m al x ] PITTI A EL, mn THERE is an insane man—with lucid intervals of snuff- taking—whose peculiar m seems to be a desire to \\ spend his time im the courts of law, ing a i oma he rr Rouse of ~~ , he d- —" a that awful building, where he thumps, wrings | | the hands of Members—until some of them weep i and no notice taken. It is ony ee is to have a representative; and the lunatic, in charge of two keepers, will represent the institution in the next | Parliament. To no other circumstance can we attribute the impunity permitted to the un! maniac in question. Perhaps, however, he is not consi to be even yet mad enough for an Iris NURSERY RHYMES FOR THE TIMES. Am—* Oh, dear! what can the matter be?” Oh, dear! what can the Mat(h)er be? / Dear! dear! what can the Mat(h)er be ? This is an awkward affair. We promised to get him a couple of hundreds ; We promised to get him a couple of hundreds, o bind up the wounds of his heir! | Am—“ Sing a Song of Simpence,” Sing a song of Sixpence! a pocket full of gold! For two hundred sovereigns our honour may be sold ; When the money’s paid Zou, there ’s nothing to be done : Isn’t that a recompence for cutting down a son ? 1) We often hear of persons being offered this princely sum, but the only person we ever knew actually to receive | | } | “a PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS.” | | it, in payment of his thoughts, was a Penny-a-liner ! the debtor to put the debt out at once, but by degrees; and that by paying no of it. Not by the extinguisher, but snuffers, thus :— The snuffers at one snip take off one-fourth of the wick; then the other fourth ; again; and the last “extinguishes ” the obligation! hus Spain and Portugal have extinguished their debt, and their ‘ Oapre. , T Mr. Punch’ offers himself ‘as a person peculiarly fitted to — creditors are left in the dark as to the pecuniary remedy. The debt is the embarrassed. Mr. Punch—taking Bootie a: benevolently, for no fee whatever, reveal his pecuniary plan. Bootie Se no money, but E has an estate—somewhere. A very fine estate ; and the rents are—occasionally—very regularly paid. Now, with these worldly advantages, why, in the name of California, should Boortz be dunned, bothered for a dirty ten thousand pounds ? BootLe has—we will take a round number—a hundred creditors. He owes to each (round nee a hundred pounds. The hundred creditors are ther. Punch talks to them in his own bland way, and they, one all, with six per cent. interest, take Boor.e’s bills at three months for—£100. The three months are gone in about three weeks; months always flying with quadruple velocity, when their wings carry stamps. Bootie has not a farthing wherewith to meet the bills: it is very annoying, but PLANTAGENET is penniless. Mr. Punch calls the creditors together: they are very noisy—of course ; very indignant; BooTLe’s voted a scoundrel; and Mr. Punch, closing his palms together and drooping his eye-lids, resigned!y bows. Mr. Punch sts an arrangement by which the bills may be “extinguished.” It is this—Boor.e will renew every hundred pound bil! for seventy-five pounds; by which process twenty-five pounds will be extinguished, to the benefit of Boots. There is a great row; but the bills are renewed for the seventy-five pounds—renewed and again dis , Boorte is exec: everywhere as a swindler, but Punch again calls the creditors together; and, bravi hurricane of their wrath, finally induces them to take for their bills of seventy-five pounds, bills for fifty pounds ; by which process, another fi the original hundred are, to the profit of Bootie, extinguished. And now the reader laughs contemptuously at Punch, and tells him to his teeth that he is a conceited nincom to think that, with all his eloquence and all his mon—for that is the coarse word—he can ever hope so to gull a body of honest people out of their money. Well, Punch confesses it—he —— jest. Nevertheless, what he has as an example—will | -twenty pounds of | Ir is proposed to the territorial aris not to be blown in again. A NEW DERBY CUP. to subscribe for a testimonial to the Eant or Deasy, to consist of a golden lacrymatory, the metal whereof is to be derived from rent, which it is expected that the hopes inspired by the noble Eari’s Government will uphold, until \the progress of agriculture shall have reinstated the farmers in the prosperity which once enabled them to pay it easily. This honorary, though lugubrious utensil, is to be given to Lonp Dexsy, in order that he may weep into it in utter despair of re-enacting a corn-law, and so | preserve the results of his crying, to present them to the agriculturist, | as evidences of that will which the generous mind always takes for the | deed. Thus posterity, slightly varying a famous elegy, will inscribe upon the Paemizn’s monument :— “ He gave the Farmer all he had—a tear.” and may—or may not—add, “ And made Jouw Buii—'twas all he wished—his friend.” An “ Honour”-able Distinction. Arrer a harmless interchange of shots, the Weybridge duellists are reported to have declared themselves “ perfectly satisfied.” In the name of common wonder, “satisfied” with what? With having achieved a doubtful notoriety, and for a day or two afforded food for the gossips, and grateful penny-a-liners ? ell, every one to his taste, | certainly: but for ourselves, we must confess we are by no means | envious of that distinction which is usually coupled with a “ difference,” POLITICAL HOAX, A youturuL Cockney, fresh—very fresh—from Epsom, not the audacity to prope Portugal—with serenest impu- remarked dence—offer to the Fogish bondholder ! ; that the present Administration was such an imposition that he thought “ To extinguish” a debt, as defined by Spain and Portugal, is not for it had better be called the Oaks than the Derby.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART. A LUNATIC IN CHANCERY. POTATO POTEEN. HE Papers contained the other day| T##R2 is an Industrial Exhibition now going on in Prussia, where an account of some proceedings in | 0B Of the most interesting productions is a quantity of whiskey made Chancery, which were signiticantly from potatoes. There is nothing very cheerful or inebriating in the headed in re Buawx, a Lunatic, | 20tion of a potato, but it seems that Ade to get drunk upon Any one who reads the report, will that very common-place and every-day ut. The idea of indulging not be surprised at the a of im potato potations is somewhat but it yp that a man ma Bcanx, whose “ West Indian | Positively make merry on the produce of a pound of champions. Ani Estates have been kept up at an Spirits are common enough ; but vegetable spirits, asd ished from annual loss of £2500,” and who Bimal spirits, we have no recollection of meeting with. We shall, we was “represented,” on the ocea- Suppose, be having festive songs on the subject of Ipaee ys we have sion to which the report refers, by bitherto had upon the vine, and we should not be as to hear at no less than nine counsel. Surely, |Convivial meetings such lays as the following :— this is enough to drive any one mad; and we are quite sure that | & peed ot petitons come ped, peel for me, the Chancery Lunatic would form | N “em aot prefer re gin; quite as effective a hero of a de- Di nn mm © potatoes they be, scriptive song as the Maniac. Thr For oh tape og Ad “-y a by. first stanzas might consist of his | b ag A declarations of sanity, with the well-known refrain of “I am not mad And a man is disposed to grow frisky, | —I am not mad!” until the progress of the Chancery suit, as detailed A pound o as Apr pe let him buy in the song, should lead up to the terrible climax, “ They’ve driven To make him a “ go” of good whiskey. | me mad.” | We feel thoroughly convinced that a fearfully exciting and terribly | instructive entertainment might be got up on the subject of the Court | of Chancery, as a sort of opposition to the Holy Land, and the tile of the Accursed Distriets might be bestowed upon it. Everybody is flocking to see the ascent of Mont Blanc, and every- | body would also hasten to witness a similarly hie view and description of the still more dangerous descent into the abyss of Equity. An awful account might be given of the perilous passage over the | fearful crevasse of the Rolls, and the frightful sealing of that slippery mur de cote—where you pay so dearly for every step you take—the Masters’ offices. How many fatal spots might be pointed out in such | a picture as this: and there is no doubt that the exact point at which | some unfortunate “ Jannpyce” was overwhelmed by an avalanche of costs might be accurately indicated. The barristers would of course be introduced as guides, and a terrible /ab/eau of a Chancery Morgue would add to the dreadfal reality of the description. Our own Toby would have much pleasare in sitting or standing for one of the cele- brated dogs, whose province it is to rescue the unfortunate victims who have become imbedded in the eternal snows of Equity, which, though never given to the melting mood themselves, have the effect of | melting all that they come in contact with.

THE PATRON OF BETTING OFFICES. Tene is, nearly opposite Harcrett’s, in Piccadilly, a certain esta- blishment, on the door of which is inscribed, in conspicuously large | characters, St. James’s Betrinc Orrice! Now, were the name | simply James’s, or rather Jemes’s, it would be unobjectionable. But | although it is conceivable that Saint James should rejoice in the guar- | dianship of a street or a palace, it is not easy to imagine him willing to | — aver, Ag a ee! ga ‘ aoe yg — is _ - sort of concern which any saint cou isposed to take under his protection: a species of being at the antipodes of the saints would be) HALL ALONG OF THEM BETTING HOFFICES. the more appropriate patron of a den of which the most suitable, if not| Betting Plunkey. “ Lost? I nevieve Yen? axp Lost « Harvvwt ov proper, name, is that of a place which shall here be nameless. It is Money on tux Hoaxs, too; anv How I'm to Satria witnout ee le that the proprietors of the Betting Office in Piccadilly never Partine witn wy Jewetcery, 1’ sung! pow’r Know! An, Ma. | heard of St. James, or at least do not know who he was, or anything rr's Harp Lives to wart at TaBie wits sucn Canes awn Hanxrertes.” | about him: which in some measure may excuse the mistake they have i + — use of = name < ag ve — of — to —= ——=== which he would never have lent it. ey stter remove JAMES | from their door, and put Hanry in its place, substituting, for the What are they Ar'ter. , qualification of saintship, that of antiquity. We understand that there are likely to be several pictures suggested ee ee by the clever painting of Mx. Anspe.t, called the ‘for the Standard. ~ hinge A friend of ours is y busy on the Contest for the Herald, and we A Case for Counsel. have heard that one of the Pue-Rarwar.ires has commenced the : : i . Struggle for the Times, in which every Advertisement will be re-produced A case of ‘some difficulty has just been submitted to Mr. Briercess, with that minuteness which forms so important a feature in this par- who is at present engaged in looking up the authorities on the some- ticular school of art. what novel question, whether an old cravat found lying without an} owner in the street should be forwarded as Unclaimed Stock to the | [EB DEBBY PICK Commissioners for the Reduction of the National Debt, for the general | 4 oo : good of the country. The stock is, of course, reduced, and carries| _T18 best “ Derby Pick” we can think of would be to send for our with it little or no interest. I: seems to have been originally an in-| ld American friend, Hosns, to ask him to come and | vestment in the three and a half, for three and six is about the figure ® friendly hand in picking the Dead Lock, im which the: at which the Unclaimed Stock was purchased. to be in,

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' THE MATRIMONIAL MARKET, Tue old saying assures us Tux following is the latest Quotation: “India is only to be valued | should be pm | to suit for its money.”—4 Young Lady consigned to a Bombay House, their minds the “ Race i

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— aa Pc ocd re se a ee se EN. sae inten > MODERN MYTHOLOGY. MONG the ancients, countries, cities and towns were represented by tu- telar deities, gene- rally of the femi- nine gender. The representation of England is rather anomalous. Eng- land has but one female represen- | tative — Briran- NIA, who appears, armed with an eel-spear and a pot-lid, on the re- verse side of pence and half- pence, where she is _—-vernacularly called Tails ; also in the front of various insurance offices, joint-stock nks, and ma- MANCHESTER | Strong - minded | women assert that | England ought to have a greater number of female representatives. | | Brrrawnta, till the time of recent Admiralties, was supposed to rule the | waves. England is also represented by a gentleman of ample propor- tions, who is delineated in top-boots, buckskin breeches, and a capacions | waistcoat, bearing a cudgel, and is called Jonn Burt. The figure of | | Joun Butt occurs generally in an attitude of astonishment and indig- | nation, expressive of his views of the conduct of Ministers. It is commonly considered that Joun Butt does not enjoy his due share in the representation. The other representatives of England are | numerous, and form a certain assembly, whieh, if it were properly con- | stituted, would consist of heroes and sages. T I | represent counties, boroughs, or universities, nominally ; but in reality These personages all a great many of them merely represent noblemen and landlords: whilst | Ireland is ostensibly represented by a set of puppets, the greater part of whom, in fact, represent the Pore or Roms. eS Pi Mig BuckiNGHaMsuIRe is chiefly represented by a somewhat spare and pale figure, with hair curling so st y, that, at an earlier age, it | might have procured for its wearer the appellation of “ the curly-headed loughboy,” had his principles then been the same as they are now, and fad his features not been more pronounced than we usually find those of the Saxon rustic. He sometimes ap as a plain gentleman in | black; at others, as masquerading, in the garb of a country squire. _ He at present presides over the Exchequer. LaxcoLn is represented for the most part in the shape of a PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL rine store shops. | | wild-looking gentleman, with moustaches and an eyeglass, whose capacity may be concisely described as military. His air is grave; but |he is not so profound as he looks, and he makes jokes, which excite great laughter, but not so much as he occasions when he attempts to speak seriously. He is often seen in the act of making his exit, with his papers in his ket, from the House of Commons previously to a division, because he dislikes the Opposition, and has mo confidence in Government. | Lowpow has no less than four representatives—the most remarkable of whom wears the aspect of a Noble Lord, did wear also the Windsor uniform, buf is now depicted as a page out of livery. Three of the group are seated; the fourth is apparently trying to take his seat, but prevented from sitting by a personification of Religious Liberty, in a coronet. Mancuester is principally represented by a man having a broad- brimmed hat and buttonless coat, with a straight collar, taking his stand upon a sack of foreign corn, and making a violent effort to spike acannon. | The best known representative of Oxrorp may be described as |exhibiting the form and features of a respectable elderly gentleman, wearing an old lady’s apron, and extending a classical but rusty egis } = -eggmman with a mitred Gorgon’s head, over a heap of loaves and es. ABILITY AND INCLINATION. To the CHANCELLOR OF THE ExcHEQUER. “ T am here, Sir, to put in practice, as far as Iam able, the policy I advocated when | | on the other side of the House.”—Ma. Disrag.i, on his legs. | Your principles—should your position prove stable— Youll push, you inform us, “as far as you re able.” Now, Bewsamis, what we ’re desirous to know, Is, what lengths, if you ’re able, you purpose to go. Let the voice of the Bucks agriculturists’ charmer Say how far he’|l proceed, to please landlord and farmer. Declare to what size you the loaf would reduee, As to let you supposing Jonw Butt such a goose. Will you go the whole Hog, with its gluttonous brood, That once gorged its fill on the multitude’s food ? Is there any restriction you’d place on the feast ? By a sliding scale think you to limit the beast ? Because, of your views if the least doubt exists, With regard to our quarterns, and busters, and twists, The people themselves must the benefit give Of that doubt as to how you intend them to live ; And make sure you won’t subject their food to taxation, By ousting yourself and your Administration. A SUSPICIOUS SHOWER. Tux Kilkenny Moderator states, we find, that a shower of rain has lately fallen in that vicinity, which— “ Proved upon examination, to have been of an almost inky biackness.” Now this is rather early, we think, for this meteorological phenome- non. We usually do not hear of it until the Autumn, when the absence their columns, Showers of black rain fall copiously then, and serve to irrigate the “gigantic gooseberries” with which we are annually surfeited. It seems to us, therefore, that the epithet “ inky,” in the above instance is chosen with really a most refreshing naiveté, seeing that the shower in question would dow “prove upon examination,” to have fallen merely from the pen of a penny-a-liner. A Foolish Proposition not so Foolish as it Looks. Ly the Isle of Skye there is poverty and starvation—in other words, the island yields nothing which affords the slightest employment for the teeth. In Australia, the fields are overrunning literally with gold—in ‘other words, there is plenty of food and employment to fill the mouths of all. Why not send the inhabitants of the starving country to par- ticipate in the harvest of the golden one? Be not reomed to try a dentist’s remedy for once. Treat the inhabitants of Skye as if they were suffering from the toothache—and by sending them to Australia, give them the greatest relief by “ stopping their mouths with gold.” A PARE INFERENCE. A Casmay must either be the most grasping, or the most extrava- gant of men. We are imelined to the latter belief; for we have always found when he drove us anywhere, that it was as much as could do to make a Shilling go as far as eightpence ought to do. A Rop oy a Prerry Picxis.—Brecu, the Irish libeller, who has just been sentenced to twelve months’ imprisonment. of political news obliges our contemporaries to resort elsewhere to fill | we know, |

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 245 THE CANTERBURY EAGLE’S NEST. as OCIETY dignifies an archbishop with the =, title of Most Reverend “/ Father. There is good reason, however, forsty- x ling archbishops Most Affectionate Fathers also. If any one knows what it is to have a -, kind papa, the son an archiepiscopal sire is that blessed child. These pleasing reflec- tions are suggested by certain ma letter addressed by Siz Buenzamin Hatt to a morning contemporary, illustrative of the al- most incredible good- ness of certain primates of all England to their children, Among our glorious _ institutions, there is the Prerogative Court of Canterbury, where, writes Sin Ben- JAMIN, on the authority of a Blue Book :— “The son of an arch- bishop, being rector of two parishes, situated in = different counties and a - prebend of Canterbury, “ is also the registrar of = the court,from which si- b necure office (for he does not perform the duties), he receives £10,894 per annum, besides posses- | sing patronage of other sinecure offices in the same court with more than £20,000 a year! The patent by which this reverend pluralist and sinecure is appointed, with these words :—‘ To all the faithful in Christ unto whom these presents shall come,’ é&c., and is signed by the archbishop. Vide page 116 of the Report. “ At the death of the present registrar, the vacancy will be filled up by the grandson of another archbishop, who was to the reversion when he was sixteen years of age. He is now a peer of the realm, and was lately an Officer in the Life Guards! At his death the son of another archbishop, who is already appointed in reversion, will succeed. This gentleman is a student in the Temple, but he will be subject to the provisions of an aet which will limit the emoluments.’ Such offspring of archbishops are indeed fortunate in their berth. To be sure, the emoluments of the student in the Temple are to be limited ; but they will bear that, as their limitation will not exactly correspond to the limits of the work and labour done for them. The principle ofa fair day’s wages for a fair day’s work, indeed, would reduce them to less than an infinitesimal sum; since, whilst the remuneration of the registrarship of the Prerogative Court of Canter- bury is represented by , its duties may be expressed by a cipher. bn - value to its possessor is £10,984 a-year, its utility to anybody e 18 2, Having nothing to do for nearly a thousand pounds per annum, how weil the Archbishop’s registrar does it, Simm Bensamim thus exemplifies in a postscript :— “ By the same Ly ey No. 711, session 1850, pages 93 and 94, it appears that so little care was taken of the documents in the registrar’s office, ‘that several papers were nothing more than dust.’ ‘Thateven the wills were not sound they are mended with paste and paper.’ ‘They are kept in a place called Pennyless Porch.’ ” x Pennyless Porch is a very appropriate name for the repository of | wills on which the exaction o probate dues has helped to beggar widows and o 3. This consideration, again, is suggestive of the strong parental feeling of archbishops, which is peculiar, and closely resembles that of certain archprelates of the winged race—golden eagles, which not only take care to feather their nests, but make a prey of the lambs for their own young. In — the natural history of archbishops and golden eagles, let us dwell on their love of offspring, their storge, their philo-progenitive- ness, with delight ; on the amiable features in their dispositions only. Let us overlook the gloomier and more painful traits in their natures, such as devouring the whom the archbishops, in truth, are rather supposed to feed. But in the meanwhile we cannot do better than follow the example of archbishops in taking care of our children. Why should their patrimony, after our decease, be confiscated, to the amount of the impositions of the ecclesiastical court, for the benefit of the see of Canterbury ? To gorge the archiepiscopal eaglet, the registrar of the Prerogative Court, it appears, for one thing—and not the least. It may be very natural for the aquiline prelates to eat up our progeny ; but it is equally for us to do all we can to e our babes and sucklings from their aerie: and whilst we ire the parental fondness of these birds of prey, we hope Sim Bensamiw Hace will persnade the Houge of Coamsieas 16 Silew Go tad cuss to be no longer quarry. JENKINS LET LOOSE AGAIN. Puwcn has a duty to perform. He must, very mildly, remonstrate with Jewkins—who has, somehow, found his way into Herald, for Punch can swear to the hue of the plush— that he may, if possible, season his admiration. Jzwxus is at Lonp Lowpesnonoven’s, and listen to him : “The company were received by Lapy Lowpesponoven, who was attired in the diamond — no one who visited the Crystal Palace could fail to as the same there had attracted so much admiration. This, placed on such a head ag that now familiar \o the public by Gnuawr’s beautiful portrait of her lady- ship, in the Royal A y, and coupled with the most perfect affability of manner, seemed from the moment of introduction into a suite of magnificent rooms to diffuse a spell within their precincts.” The diamonds on such a head, with affability, diffused a spell |! What sort of spell? And wherefore should a gentlewoman be thus advertised by the profane Jenxmys? Can he not be decently awe- struck by the diamonds? Can he not placidly sink from five feet ten— that was the height he advertised himself when last out of place—to four foot two, crushed by the di and so crushed, be quiet ? JeNKrIns, however, moralizes, when contemplating Coit’s revolvers : “ Be the and the hich mi oceasi into an cuniient cael pen pieces of A oxiibites ty Ma. Mont er — Dear Jenxmys, no more of that. No cross-bones in that flunkey mouth. Keep to di and clean the “ pieces of plate,” A paper-weight elephant is shown : “* As a model of a heavy subject by an Irish artist, Mesens, Ecxrmoron should lose no time in forwarding it to the Cork National Exhibition,’ observed a little gentieman, with a point laced cravat, at our elbow. ‘ Yes, sir,’ was the comment of an odd-looking man, with a bald head, at our other elbow, ‘ cork is sure to buey (pronounced with the splutter of a determined punster buy) it up.’ We at once considered these cases incurable, as a disgusting habit seldom acq’ by studious men—Duaw Swirt and a few others excepted.” Puns isn’t allowed in our pantry, says Jenxiws. They is decidedly low. “ As we entered the library, three or four well-known words passed through our memory, which we shall not p to tr lat ‘ Arma virumque cano ;’” But why not translate? .4// the servants do not know Latin. Among other celebrities Jenkins observes “the amiable Kant or Rosse ;” we presume the nobleman who cons’ that darling telescope. Other gifted men were present; and no doubt among them the de- lightful Waearstows who invented that love of an electric telegraph with HerscugL, who has somewhere found out such ducks of stars. Protectionist Toasts. Tue Protectionists have been very prodigal lately at their public dinners with their toasts. We advise them, as friends, to male the best use of their time, for it is perfectly clear that if they succeed in making bread dearer, the loaf will become much smaller; and it is equaily clear that when the loaf is only half its present size, the Protec- tionists can only enjoy half their present round of Toasts. MILITARY INDOLENCE. A Memaen of the Peace Society, who goes the whole lamb, wants to | know whether the very extreme of idleness must not prevail in the Army, when soldiers not only do not exercise any industrious employ- ment, but are actually, on some occasions, compelled to deploy. A Paragraph only to be Read by the Ladies. Every Man has his price, so said Watrote; but he never said as much of Woman. The fact is, Watrote judged the ladies only too correctly, or porond al as well &, we be that may, of Pane 73 dear creatures are ! ¢ expect a pair of embroidered braces, at least, for the slow, Pence.) PROTECTIONIST ESTIMATES. Peruars the most curious item in the estimates agreed to by the Protectionist Government is the estimate that has been formed of our national honour, which (vide the Marner case) has been set down at two hundred and forty pounds. ing your neighbour’s child cry all nigny through the thinness of the sutpani A Panty Cay.— —_ ee rae Ree Sewers ue —

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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL a 7 we hha 4 f pn Sal b ~~. ~~ f PePe Tey Here My) {> age , A FOOLISH AND A BETTING MAN. Wu Sam © wae she MALL I PI LIPO SA i ae Sn om] lam ~ i A WISER AND A BETTER MAN. SANGUINARY OUTRAGE ON A DEFENCELESS FOREIGNER. Marisoroven Srreet Portce.—Tae Howovrante Craven Dragonet, a Captain in the Guards, was brought before the sitting Magistrate, charged with the following ruffian-like and cowardly assault upon Giosepee Piccotvomo, an Italian organ-boy. It appeared that Captain Dracongt and a party of his men were | returning from their morning parade, or whatever it is called, at St. | James’s Palace, when the unintentionally got in the Captain’s way, which so-exasperated the gallant officer, that he drew his sword, and | cut the poor little fellow down. Police Constable A 500, deposed that he was on duty that morning in St. James’s Street, when he saw the soldiers, with the defendant at their head, come marching up towards Piccadilly. The organ-boy was playing and dancing to some ladies at a window, and whilst occupied in so doing, failed to notice the approach of the military, and backed into their line of march. ‘The defendant called to him to get out of the way, but before the boy had time to move, pulled out his sword, and | with that weapon inflicted a stroke upon his head, which felled him to | the ground. He (the policeman) ran immediately to the assistance of | the youth, whose crown had been cut open, and was bleeding profusely. | He carried him to the next surgeon’s, and then proceeded in search of | the defendant, whom, as soon as he (defendant) was off duty, he took into custody whilst stepping into a brougham Mr. McNab, the surgeon, said he found the boy with an ineised | wound in the scalp, three inches in length, laying bare the aponewrosis of the oeripito-frontaiis muscle. The patient’s tall conical hat had been completely cleft, and, but for its substance having deadened the force of the blow by opposing a tough resisting medium to the passage of | | the weapon, the cramivm would have been divided, and the result would | | have been fatal. | ‘The boy was here pate in court, with his head bandaged, looking | very pale and weak from loss of blood. He confirmed the evidence of | the preceding witnesses through an interpreter, and declared that his | getting in the Captain’s way was quite unintentional, and that he had | | done nothing that he knew of to give him any provocation. | _ The Magistrate told the defendant that he (defendant) was now at | | liberty to make any statement he might think proper, but informed him, | | that if gy anything tending to criminate himself, it would be used against him. from the | with impunity, before a London Magistrate. levity, said he was not sorry, on the whole, that the escaped with his life. The little vagabond had not only got in his way, but when ordered to stand aside, had made a derisive gesture by putting his hands to his nose. The lad on being questioned whether he had done so, replied, that he had —— raised his hands instinctively in self-protection, expecting, Japtain’s angry voice, a box on the ear. The defendant said he thought at the time, and believed still, that the act was intended for impertinence. It would never do for an officer on duty when trifled with, to stand om ceremony. He was sure the Magistrate was quite aware of that. He had an appointment, and would thank his Worship not to detain him. The Magistrate said he was sorry to say that this was a case in ws he could not pore heme - te ‘ieineh 6 defendant, ing considerable astonishment, dec e really could not understand what his Worship meant. The worthy Magistrate said it certainly did appear that the de- fendant was not aware of the 7 serious position in which he had laced himself. He (defendant) narrowly escaped standing at that on acharge of wilful murder. As it was, he should be under the necessity of committing him to Newgate to take his trial at the Central Criminal Court for cutting and wounding, with intent to commit that crime, or some grievous bodily harm. ; = Captain, apparently thunderstruck at this decision, was removed in the van. *,* Mr. Punch presents his compliments to Mr. Harpwicx, and begs to say, should Mr. Harpwick not exactly be able to remember any such case as the above to have occurred at Marlborough Street, that Mr. Punch’s reporter is subject to fits of somnambulism, in one of which he may have had a dream, wherein his imagination transformed a ruffian in a certain foreign service into a British officer, and brought a dastardly savage who, under Austrian law, sabred an unarmed man oung A Natural Inference. Tue Derby Prophets, it appears, were this year even more than usually incorrect in their prophetic guesses; and as they every week so r | abundantly advertise their appreciation of a speedy payment for thei “tips,” we may perhaps be pardoned the assumption that their business is transacted on the principle of “ quick returns and small prophets.” Carptars Daraconet, who appeared to treat the charge with caamel bo

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Ba ee f AY b ,. NY ». Wd " 1 Da) | é y ; — Jyuinsllbs> "2? ON l TT Tees z -Z Or fF | H AUSTRIA’S COMPENSATION FOR ALMOST MURDERING A BRITISH LION. —ke., &e. Jowr 12, 1852. = a ro _ ” Earl M-lm-sb-ry. “On, pon’? MENTION IT. It’s oF NO CoNsEQUENCE ; AND IF AT ANY OTHER TIME YOU SHOULD—I’M SURE—VERY HAPPY, Judicious Bottle-Holder. “An! I’p HAVE HAD MORE 1HAN THAT,”

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er ee ea a cove a” ee E Cro or | the onl; the thi

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE INCOME-TAX SUPERSEDED! sf / T is self-evident to the com- i monest booby that the Income- | Tax can be fairly adjusted in 2 no other manner than by/| taking the excess of it off pre | x carious earnings and ts, | and distributing the burden so removed over t property. The CHAancELLor | or THE Excueqver has in-| timated that the Income-Tax Committee, after much de- liberation, is likely to arrive | at a conclusion to the same effect. But Mr. Disragri also hints that such a mode! of equalising the impost would be so unpleasant to permanent property, that permanent perty would never stand i The only thing to do, then, is to abolish the — and to find a substitute for i less unpopular. He who has nothing ought to contribute his pod share of it to the national hat—the Crown ; and so on in due proportion indefinitely upwards. By how much any one person or class of persons is rod more in relation to their means than another, by so much is the property of that class or that person confiscated, and he, or it, plundered outright. It is perhaps impossible, in taxing a complicated society, to do without a little confiscation ; only that injustice is to be avoided as much as may be. Many taxes present themselves to the mind as less open to objection on this account than the Income-T'ax. There might, for instance, be a tax upon noses, proportioned to their length, which would press chiefly on the aristocracy and the Hebrew community; but the aquilines would turn up at the idea of such an impost, and the snubs would signify to you that they wished you might get it, The most rational, moral, wholesome, salubrious, and Pheer: Phe tax that could be devised in lieu of the Income-Tax, would be a tax on fat people ; whereby all would be taxed according to their substance. This suggestion is quite disinterested; the author is upwards of twelve stone when last weighed, and Is a growing middle-aged man. As a tax upon necessaries is the worst of taxes, so the least objectionable is a tax upon manifest superfluity, Fat people must, at least, have plenty to eat aad drink, unless in the case of disease, for which exemption should be allowed, on attestation by a medical certificate. A fat-tax is one, to incur which would be in a great measure optional. Its amount would be reduced in proportion to the reduction of obesity, to be effected by moderation, exercise, and early rising, on all which habits it would act as a premium. Those whom a tax on the corporation would principally affect, would be mayors and alder- men; also corpulent bishops, deans, canons, and pluralists: the very persons best able to bear depletion. Fat people, moreover, generally, are the most eligible subjects for taxation, for nobody sympathises with them; and if, being oppressed, they attempted to get up a ery, they would only raise a = The assessment of the fat subject should be based on the excess of the periphery, in each individual, over the natural standard, in relation to the height. It should be made by a medical man; and thus Government would have an opportunity of bestowing some patronage on a profession which it has hitherto shamefully neglected. ; : It may be objected that a Fat People Tax would check consumption; not so: it would only diminish plethora. If it lessened the demand for meat, it would give an impetus to hides, which would be wanted for shoe-leather to supply the wear and tear which it would occasion by stimulating pedestrianism. Should it cause a decrease in exciseable liquors, the deficiency would be compensated by the additional duty that would be obtained in consequence of its promotion of horse exercise. ; The CHANCELLOR oF THE ExcHEeQueR is gratuitously welcome to this idea for a budget, if his agricultural friends will allow him to use it, as it is to be feared they will not; although it eon tend to relieve the land of its burdens by effecting a diminution of their own weight, DE LUNATICO. Surrose a gentleman were to go about dropping into Courts of Justice, and grinning and winking at the judges ; were to walk into the House of Commons, and slap its most dis- tinguished members on the back and thigh, and, wherever he went, were to indulge in similar antics and extrav: . Suppose he wound these eccentric proceedings up with an act that placed him at the = of the Central Criminal Court, would he not be acquitted of the deed, on the d of being irresponsible for his actions? And would he not be ordered to be dctainnd in eustedy during her Masesty’s pleasure? And would not everybody Rn | that this was shutting the stable door after the horse-stealing had been accomplished, and that the unfortunate gentleman ought to have been taken care of long before ? : In the mean time, perhaps, there are certain bereaved relatives, mourning a now irreparable loss which might have been remedied. A Suecestion ror THE War Orvice.—We beg to recommend to our military authorities that, as an elementary lesson for raw recruits just commencing practice with firearms, a A SONG FOR MR. SPEAKER, We’ve met for legislation ; So, hey for altercation, And issertation, isties dull and drear, And logic not very clear, Though terribly severe. The downy pillow scorning, We won't go home till morning; We won’t go home till morning, Till daylight doth appear. Chorus of Hon, Members. We won’t go home till morning, &c. While one of you is prosing, The weary pay be dosing, On cushion’d bench reposing, With inattentive ear ; In spite of cries of “ Hear!” d cheer and counter-cheer, So musically snoring, Whilst some “ Adjourn !” are roaring— The — their patience boring— r cry like chanticleer. Chorus, We won’t go home till morning, &c. How slow will creep each moment, As on Maynooth Endowment You mouth harangues, for show meant, Since dissolution ’s near : Orations insincere, There’s too much cause to fear, That very strongly savour Of humbug’s subtle flavour, To curry popular favour, Alone deliver’d here, Chorus. We won't go home till morning, &c. Then furious, wild, and frantic, = a gestures antic, tpouring bulls gigantic, Mand Send that won’t cohere— An Irish Brigadier; When some opponent’s jeer Will drive the whole band raving ; In such a way behaving, That I, the tempest braving, Shall have to interfere. Chorus. We won’t go home till morning, &c. With a view to re-election, Spout for or ’gainst Protection ; ith personal reflection, ith sarcasm, gibe, and sneer, The opposite party sear : In elocution queer, In coughing, humming, hawing, And false conclusions drawing, Continually jawing, Till daybreak persevere. Chorus, = We won’t go home till morning, &c. And if you’re tired of talking, Yet do not think of walking ; But, legislation balking, Stop Government’s career, In opposition sheer, The measure whatsoe’er ; Division on division Will put off all decision ; Thus let us earn derision For business in arrear. J horus, We won’t go home till morning, &c. ie eel ee figure, dressed as a British soldier, should be used as a target, for it is proved by experience “ Sarrsyaction !”— Letting off a brace ol at the Cape, that nothing can form a finer mark, or one that is more easy to hit. t. pistols, and frightening a cock-

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to iy as Pe Nae es ato ee Uae “ a = ~ pil tle TF-*: 250 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL Tue Youre Gent wo 1s Goinc To make a Rapip Fortune BY Bettina. BAKERS FOR PARLIAMENT. PUNCH TO THE ELECTORS OF ENGLAND. My Faizenps,—the Eart or Dernsy—alias the Rupert of Depate —alias the Conn-Law Dopeer—is about to stand his trial. He has, in case of the worst, made his political will, and set his red box in order. Sir Frrzroy Ksuty, counsel for the defence—hope in horsehair !—is self-assured of a verdict: nevertheless, the Earl, with his proverbial prudence, has left nothing to chance. The verdict may go the wrong way with Densy ; when RuzEntT—as the Dopcer is comforted to know —will bave been prepared for it. Folks have been told to trust in Derby—to stand by Rurert—to confide in the Dopeer. The greater their ignorance of the purposes of the triple man, the greater their faith. Thus do men trust ina rticular tee-totum, resigned to any letter that may turn up. F or . Free Trade or Protection? Ali’s luck. But if Dersy is mysterious, Dtsrag.i is plain. Would we take a ie of the Minister’s divining-cup ? We must seek it in the sack of ENJAMIN. And now is BensamIn seemingly rebuked—even at the Mansion- | House—for the cup found in his as | can certainly divine ? ” sack. “ Wot ye not that such a man Mr Farenps! A few days—but a few, and some thousands of upright, earnest, patriotic men Jews included, for doth not the valorous, con-| Y sistent KusseLt, again go to the City with a rose of Jericho in his button-hole ?—will be shouting throughout the length and breadth of blessed England to the hearts, and, it may be, to the pockets of folks with voices. A few days, the sun will rise and set upon the process of making six hundred and fifty-eight small Sotomons for the Temple of Wisdom nearly built, but by no means ventilated, at Westminster. Now these are the six hundred and fifty-eight Bakers to be chosen; Bakers to make the loaves of the people for the next four, five, or six years tocome. Pooh! That is not the Marquess or GotpsPuRs— son of the Duke or VantTsrace—with his hand on his waistcoat, and his head gracefully bent towards the gentleman in a pea-jacket and a short-pipe in his hat: that is really not a Marquess—though he has been proposed and seconded under that title—whose face, all smiles, glows down upon that sternly-questioning greengrocer, the patriot of the borough of Pottlepots ; that, we say, is really not a Marquess, but if you will it, one of your future Bakers. It is he, oh people of Pottle- pots, who will e your loaves for yourselves and little ones for, it may be, the next seven years. It is he who will make that loaf half its present size for all its present price. You think him a gay, chivalrous, sunny-faced young nobleman. Well, so he is; but once in the House of Commons, a Baker, an inexorable Baker for all that. A Baker, whose faith is little loaves and high prices; a Baker who — with gonhiy the best intentions—wiil do his very best to increase the daily iffieulty of daily bread. _| don’t have to give so much for the loaf!” a Baker who upon the Little Loaf puts his own Big Baker who, in defiance of the mouths Baker, though M.P. sprout from his name, that Baker is of the family of Ogres, and grinds babies’ bones to make his wheaten bread. your wives. All women are s pe in the cupboard. Only let the matter lie in a and we will back one Mas, Jowes against three Mrz. Spoowens. Let the women only know that Members of Parliament are the Bakers of Parliament, that the House of Commons is the House of Ovens,—and we have Big Loaf in a topping majority. i Polities are never made so easy, even to the apprehension of babes | and sucklings, as when represented by penny rolls. | What an easy, morning task with the morning breakfast! The board \is spread. The Smmmonses are very small shop-keepers, with a large range of commodities, from peg-tops to turnip-tops: when all are assembled, parents and progeny, there are eight. ‘This morning—it is little Bor’s birth-day, he was christened Bos after Sin Ropent—there are rolls for breakfast ; rolls and butter. “ Bon,” says Summows, “ what’s the name of this roll?” “ His name is Peze1,” says Rozert, boldly. “And wherefore Peet?” asks Simmons. “ Because,” answers Bos, “he’s twice as big as he used to be.” __ a if he shrinks, and isn’t half as big, what will you call him then?” “Den—sy!” shrieks the youngest girl, two years old, by name REBecca. “ A good girl,” says the smiling Stumons. “ Give her two lumps of pre And, Bos, why can I so well afford to give Becky two lumps of sugar?” “ Because,” answers Bos—well-educated infant !—“ because you Thus, my Friends, consider every candidate through the medium of the quartern loaf. Believe it, and choose accordingly. Men, women and children, it is not Members of Parliament you are about to make, but Bakers of Parliament! Not Legislators, but loaves! Choose, then, for you may, your own size—Little or Big. 85, Fleet Street. BUNCH. AN AFFARE OF ONNUR. Mist* sri Wicerns and Mist* Bos roster presents their Comp" to Mist'- Punch, and baggs his Insershn of the Follerin :— “Tn the Coarse of a Pollytickle discushn at the Chekers last Eavnin, Mist*: pik Rusty maid a Hobserwation, witch Mist* Gim sMITHERS said he was A Lie. “Mist™ Dix rusBiy Axed Mist* Gru Surrners wot he meant by that Expreshn ? “ Mist* Gru Sarrvers refer’d Mist* prx Russtr to is High. yure ed. “upon Witch Mrst*- Gre Surrrers repeated the Wurds. “wheerby Mist* pik Russty up to Pitch in to Mist* Gr Smrruers; but Mist®: sr wicerys and Mist* sos Foster interfered sayin this Warnt the Place for A Mill. “The consequens wos it wos agreed they should have it Hout in the ard. “ Mist® Gru Surtiers, Mist™ Dix nvuBBiy, Mist™ sos Foster, and Mist* bri wieers then Proceaded to the Back of the Ouse, whear a King was formed of a Circul of Acquaintanse ; and the Parties ad a Settoo. “ Mist*® prt Wicers ficiated for mist* Gra Smrruers, and Mist* Boss Foster did the Nedeful for mist* pix Russty. “The men havin fort one Round without Blud d Mist*® Bit wicerns Axed mist® Dik rusBty if he’d had enuf, MIST* DIK Rusty alowd his Self satisfide. “ Witch bein the Case the Men shook Ands and adjurned back to the Tapp where we Had Beer all rownd, and the Affare concluded to the sattisfacshun of All Parties consurned. * Joon Sth. 1852. “sos Foster. “ Bru. Wieernys,” Motives. Maxy a talented young man only enters College from a motive of good-Fellowship ;—and many a worldly young man enters the Church, as almost every Alderman enters city life, from no other motive than that of good living ! Exection Banner OF THE Prorectiowtsts. — “ England expects that every man will Vote for a Five * A Baker, a mere shopkeeping Baker, may be in himself a meek, | unpretending, guileless, honest man. But a Baker of ~~ rice —a | bellies of the multitude, isa | “ Mist™ Drx Rupsty then sayd if u says that are agin ile Punch My dear Friends—I earnestly entreat you to read these words to liticians, especially when the question is | - plac the }

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI THE CRADLE, IN ENGLAND. | HINTS ON ENGLISH ELEGANCE, | RzsrEcTeD Puncu, \ “Tue enclosed fragment ped up a piece of cheese, which | formed yesterday’s lunch, and as it will certainly be of as much use to | you as to me, I send it without delay. It seems to be part of a letter | from some old schoolmistress, to a niece, whose schooling has not been | quite the thing, but of that you will be a better judge than L. “Your’s faithfully, “A Constant Reaper.” “My Dear Many Aynz.—Although I perceive, and perceive with | delight, that you have conquered some of the chief difficulties in polite pronunciation, that you are no longer in doubt as to where you should | place the aspirate ([ mean the H, dear), and that your choice between | the V and the W is guided by something like a fixed principle, I would | not have you suppose that all necessity for further exertion is at an end. | “ At present, my beloved niece e err not so much in pronunciation | as in the selection of phrases, and deeply regret that the cares of my | establishment at Peckham prevent me from attending you more con- stantly, and checking each inelegance as it presents itself. 1 was | much grieved, for instance, when I heard that at a very select tea-| y, you alluded to the engagement of Mr. Smita to Miss Baown, y saying that they ‘kept company.’ If there was any occasion to allude to the delicate fact at all (which I very much doubt), you should simply have said that Ma. Smiru was ‘engaged’ to Miss Baown— no more. “T have also observed that you are somewhat lax in your formation of the preterite tense, saying ‘I done it,’ instead of ‘I did it,’ and ‘1 see him yesterday,’ instead of ‘I sawhim.’ Study, I beg, with increased attention, the list of verbs I enclosed in my last. Be careful, too, in your use of adjectives, and do not let a desire to give greater force or point to your observations, betray you into inelegance. I do not fora moment suspect that you make use of such expressions as ‘stunning,’ ‘out-and-out good,’ ‘jolly,’ and so forth, for | regard those as male vulgarities, from which the female mind instinctively shrinks. But | fear you have allowed yourself to use ‘spicy’ as a word of com- mendation, and my emotions are not to be described, when I heard that you praised a fashionable waistcoat, by the employment of some such horrid word as ‘ scrumptious’ or ‘ scrumptuous.’ | “Many learned persons, | am aware, consider that much of the wisdom of our ancestors is couched in the proverbial form, but notwith- standing that opinion (for which [ have the greatest deference), | cannot but think the form most infelicitous, when used to convey the moral and social convictions of a young lady. Thus, you might remark that the expediency of a is shown by the result, without exclaiming that the ‘ proof of the pudding is in the eating,’ and the charitable doctrine, that even the most reckless profligate is capabie of reforma- tion, might surely be set forth in other terms, besides those which deelare that ‘it is a long lane that has no turning.’ And I have observed that when you utter an expression of the sort, you add ‘I say,’ in a very loud tone of voice, and with an air of superior wisdom, as if the proverb were Amey own particular creation. This, my dear Mary ANNE, is very v “ It gives me much pain to find that you are ambitious to obtain a character for wit, since this propensity is a frequent cause of indecorum. Mx. Wicerys, 1 own, should not have said the other evening that the “tankard ran,” but should rather have said “leaked,” yet it was wrong of you to answer him by remarking that the “ale ran and not the tankard,” and then to look round at the company for applause. Nor was it at all n on your part to state, when you were in- formed that somebody had a bad cold, that you had never heard of a good one. Again, though I admit that = is more charming than ‘serenity,’ I cannot approve of the phrase ‘all’s serene,’ as an indi- cation that some difeal ty has been surmounted. Believe me, that those who encourage you in the use of what is called ‘ smart’ language, | are no true friends, .s : ; Ss “ With respect to your writing, a little more discrimination in the employment of capitals would’ ——(Celera desunt), THE LANDLORD’S ELECTRO-BIOLOGY. Tuere is scarcely anything that is really new: what is commonly so called is a familiar fact in a novel form—an old friend with a new face. The science of Electro-Biology, for example, on which itinerant phi- losophers are now lecturing about the country, has long been practicall known—at least to gentlemen in the habit of dining at taverns. Suc gentlemen will testify to the circumstance of having been themselves | operated upon more or less successfully, on various occasions, in the manner following : Some-wine having been ordered after dinner, is discovered to be brandied, corked, or otherwise objectionable, and the landlord is sent for to be remonstrated with in regard to it. The proceeding which he then adopts will be recognised, by all who have witnessed electro- he take the truth of the impeachment for granted. As if just to satisfy himself, however, on that point, he pours out @ little of the condemned liquid and tastes it. His look of surprise changes to an expression of hesitation; he tastes again—the uncer- tainty becomes decision—and then he says firmly, yet with deference :— “ Really, gentlemen, I think your taste must have been a little out of order—do try this wine again.” Here he holds his glass up to the light. “Pray be so kind as to observe the bees-wing there, Sir,” and so saying he contrives to make the patient also hold his glass up, and to fix his attention on something floating in the wine. Leaving him with his gaze thus fastened, he enters into the history of the wine, states,its vintage, the time it has been in bottle, the different Majors and other personages of distinction who have commended it. — All this while, patient is squinting at a fixed object in the liquid, and by the time mine host bas concluded his dissertation, is quite pre- pared to give in to the challenge, “ Now, Sir, | defy you to me that this is mn oy of excellent port |” In precisely the same way may some vailed upon to take Marsala for Sherry, and the most arrant Goose- berry for Champagne, and to pay accordingly. is Electro-Biology ; onl ible subjects be pre- y y a better name for the operation—if electziaity has anything to do with it—would perhaps be tro-Gammon, Hoxsx(e)s’ Purtosoruy.—To make the pot boil. biological experiments, as strictly electro-biological, At first, indeed, — ects astonishment at the complaint about the wine, appearing to |

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a te oe + ms = logs Ce eee ee eee ii oS ae «ee ‘ 4 i ied | and Bew’s become so majestic, | the £26,000. | the Maynooth grant is worth any money. | themselves, than not have S pa at all | thing for the hustings. | influence is now deeply felt ; and that which was at first regarded as | unexpected one. Hostilities have long been secretly impending, and | of the war. ‘The real question at issue is briefly this : | that public Td r gues a privileged class; complete egal rules, and u | been regarded as binding upon one side only; not that which gives the | admits the existence of but one Voice in the matter. Upon this the | Managers have at length joined issue ; and we confess their doing so Queries into our letter-box; and we are hourly haunted by the appari- | answer to his yet unopened missive. One of our earliest visitors was a | gentleman who has for many years been regarded as one of the PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. ! | BRITANNIA AND HIBERNIA. AN ELECTRIC DIALOGUE. Britannia, at Holyhead, Sister Ureland. Hibernia, in Dublin, "Tis here I am then; and your yoice is melted honey to my heart. Britannia, \sn’t this a real Union, sister ? | Hiberma. Burn the Union of parchment—isn’t there a cord between us: acord that shall be stronger than a thousand acts of Parliament, | though all of them ware ee out of the brains of the Mimbers ? Britannia, A cord! Why, it’s the same fire that in both our hearts: don’t we feel it together: and don’t I feel loving you more and more with every word | say to you? ; Hibernia, Precious words! ‘The pearls of the eae 80 precious as the sweet syllables that come, like fairies, through the sea. Britannia, Won’t we be friends for ever ? Hibernia, Bor ever and ever, and longer still. What are you doing, dear, in Parliament ? Britannia, Well, we’re tumbling to pieces—but, bother Parliament ! Hibernia. Will you come over to Cork ? Britannia, Should like it—but can’t yet. That Densy’s so slow— j and then there ’s the—the— Hibernia.4Von’t hesitate, darling ; speak out. Britannia. Why the—the Maynooth grant. Hibernia. What! The dirty £26,000? I tell you what—we’ll make a change with you. Take back your bishops, and we ’ll give you Britannia. My dear—between ourselves—there are folks to whom sey. Ido believe there’s a party in Parliament that would rather pay it—if it could be done privately— It’s a cloak, my dear. Hibernia. A cloak! What cloak ? ‘ Britannia. Why, you'll excuse me, but, being popish, a scarlet cloak: now But can at times only moved by this bit of scarlet, and, with a general election on foot, a cloak of the colour is the very Hibernia. Well, you are the meanest, most contemptible— Britannia, Sister, let the zealots rave or grumble; we’!l be wise and love one another in spite of them. Sister, I blow you a kiss. Hibernia, Sister, I return it. THE WAGNER WAR. Te musical history of our time affords no parallel to this exciting contest. Not in London merely, but throughout the kingdom, its a mere managerial dispute, now threatens lastingly to affect the peace of the musical world at large. Though startling to some, the rupture by no means was a wholly the arrival of the German canfatrice was seized as the signal for openly commencing them. That lady, however, is but nominally the Heten From time immemorial almost, it has been held (among themselves) exceptions to al terly exempt from the vulgar duty of keeping a contract— unless it thoroughly suits their mterest and con- venience todoso. Engagements, in fact, have hitherto “professionally” services, but that which pays for them. The Manager, it is held, must perform /is part of the bargain as a matter of course; but the Singer is traditionally left open to make a better one elsewhere, should the opportunity offer. ‘The very wording of the contract, it is pleaded, has not surprised us. In our position of universal Umpire, we have, of course, been most voluminous!y appealed to on this momentous question. Searcely a postman passes without dropping a small svaanhe of Notes and tion of some breathless “ constant reader,” who comes in person for an brightest ornaments of the Alfresco or Tea-Garden School. This vocal “veteran” is now unfortunately rather in a fix. Animated by the example of the gifted Jowanwa, it appears that he has been taking a complete leaf out of her engagement-book, and with a most cucum- brian coolness, has ratified his simultaneous services to the managers of no less than three of our cheap suburban “Halls of Harmony.” Each of these, we understand, is an expressly “exclusive” contract ; so that by no possibility can he orm any one of them, without legally rendering himself accountable for, at least, a pgir of breaches. This is by no means an isolated case. We have at our pen’s point a ae —_ at a La we think the present will suffice to show that the infection called Wagnerism is spreading most rapidly throughout the musieal profession, and tlat the lower as well as the hi circles of oe will, ere long, deeply feel, and, as we think, deplore, its influence. Tae Respecraste Capiratist WHO wILt ber a THovsany To One aGainst EveryTHine, aND PAY 1”? ge Loses—or Course! AGAIN, OUR INSANE ARTIST. It is our painful duty to announce that this maniacal miscreant has again assaulted us. We consider ourselves bound to draw attention to the fact, not so much for our own as for our country’s sake. Fallen, indeed, were England in the eyes of sister nations, if it were known that ey run riot in her streets, and defy the arm of justice in open staring day! The particulars of the outrage are briefly these. Happily freed from the cares of office, we were as usual drag-ging to Derby, and rather damply rendering ourselves to the annual joviality of the occa- | sion, when our progress and attention were alike arrested by our near wheel being firmly locked in the embraces of an antiquated hackney- coach. We mentally stared, of course, to see so obsolete a trap apes the Derby day, and not unnaturally wondered who on earth could be insane enough (o patronise it. But the mystery was soon most lamentably solved : for, just as we were pouring in a rattling volley of “ chaff,” suddenly down went the window of the exploded vehicle, and fe o-, horror out popped the head and shoulders of our miserable rien * * * When we recovered our senses, the hackney-coach had vanished ; but its wretched occupant, we found, had taken a terrible advantage of his temporary juxta-position, There lay at our feet a maniacal note, folded, we could see, in literally frantic haste, and bear an almost hieroglyphical address. By painful experience we the scrawl, and summoning alike our courage and our eyeglass, we desperately cracked the seal, and read as follows :— “, PICTURE OF DISMAY.” ‘ Portrait of our nervous friend, Srriaceies, drawn for the Militia.” _*,* It is almost needless to add, we did not recover our equanimity till lunch time. England must'’nt Expect too Much. Ir seems that the Ministers have repudiated their own policy, abroad as well as at home, for the case of Ma. MaTuer seems to s ow that they abandon the duty which should give protection to their own country- men, when brought into collision with the foreigner. Tue neat Loypon Pxrive.—We know an inveterate Cockney who declares that London milk beats the country milk, and beats it “ dy many chalks.” Kyowrse Derrmrrion.—“ Betting Offices.” Places where (on a | settling day) it is hard to meet your betters. “ Now then! I wish you'd take yourself off;” as Joun But said | & to the lncome-Tax.

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nity PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. CRIMINAL TREATY WITH THE CRIMINAL OF FRANCE. HE Earu or Matuessury is pushing a bill through the Lords, that, if to .~ = as of England, it nall become a law, will — delight the French President ; for it will, at little trouble, place in his grasp the men who have escaped to England, be- lieving in the vulgar error that England is a free country. The bill is nomi- i\ nally for “the mutual surrender of criminals in France and England tothe respective governments of those countries;” but the bill is so crossed and interlaced with subtleties that a case of felony may with little difficulty be trumped up against a political offender. Louis Buaxc, for instance, might be claimed for robbing the President of his reputation, valued at something more than a silver furk. Lonp Camepen. turned the bill Over very suspiciously—so did Lorpo Baoucuam; aud if it pass the Lords in its present shape, which is doubtful, it must be made harmless by the Commons. Neither is the bill to be less suspected because introduced by the Fart or MatMespury : his Jordship’s instincts are a little too much towards the Elysée. “\t is a purely criminal treaty,” says the Karl; for all that we would rather have nought to do with it. We want nothing in common with Louis Napoieon ; and, least of all, handcuffs ! MR. COCKERMOUTH TO THE VICAR OF FROME. Come now then, Mr, Bewwerr, Sir, Inform us what your tenets are, Decidedly auricular ? Or are you not particular ? ym nein with Beastie, Wholes nalled b Ne tote > particles — Or the Nae-ead- Thirty Articles Are chops on Fridays edible ? Are winking pictures credible ° Hiow about candle-burnings, Genuflexions, crossings, turnings ? Are you given to censer-swinging, And little hand-bells ringing Or , or copery ? Or any nasty Popery ? Flower Shows and Shower Flows! At the recent meeting of the Botanic Society, the great attraction advertised consisted of the American plants of Mx. Watener. ‘This gentle- man with an aquatic title was fully represented on the occasion in question, for the shower was incessant. By way of rivalry, the Zoological Gardens migit have announced, that in addition to the ord collection of animals, it would “ rain cats — dogs,” and no one could have complained that the advertisement liad not been complied with. SPIRITUOUS A FREE-TRADE FAIRY TALE. Mr, CarpweEtt has addressed the constituency of Liverpool; and, in a long and convincing speech, arrayed the results of tl trade against the prophecies of Protection. He marshalled his figures most triumphantly: the Duxe — never drew out his forces with a greater promise of victory. ive them, as showing the consump- tion of 1851—the year of Ram e—and of 1841, the year of Protection. 1841. 1851. 1841. 1851. Coffee, 1b. . 28,421,003 382,564,164 Cocoa,cwt. . 1,930,764 3 024,338 Tea, lb. . . 36681477 53,965,112 (| Cnrrants,cwr. 199,071 454.756 Sugar,cwt. . 4,065,971 6,594 308 Raisins,cw’. . 241,214 208,801 Cheese, cwt. . 248,335 336,160 | Brandy, gals. 1,165,145 1 869,367 Butter,ewt. . 251,255 344185 | Rum, gals. . 2278861 2,980,775 As Sm Firzroy Kexty has already, to his own satisfaction, proved that of all the millions of quarters of wheat imported, not a grain has passed into English stomachs ; so is he prepared to show that the above articles, quoted by Ma. CARDWELL, although imported, have never been consumed. We are allowed to anticipate a few of the arguments of the tight Honourable Gentleman. “ Coffee was Chicory | Sugar was Sand Tea was Sloe leaves i Cheese was not the cheese.” As for the remaining articles, Sin Firzroy promises to be ready with a most. destructive —_ when the annie shall be erected for him. OUR RACING PROPHECY. “taken as a beverage” in any quantity, would very soon produce the Iv the Be!ting offices are not put down before next year, we should | same effect. Yet if ladies must drink fragrant and spirituous perfumes, suggest something like the following as a programme for the next C up they would probably find good Schiedam or fine old Jamaica ine-apple Rum more wholesome ; or a The Footman’s Plate—of three dozen spoons and half a dozen forks, mended in preference ‘to @ smelling-bottle. On the whole, however, by subscription of a spoon or a fork each. Every subscriber to remove per Peilloredviake — ~ ith: tothe Cemaneen The same puff also exto!s the virtues of a cosmetic, called “ Kalydor,” as it avers, eradicates among other blemishes, * spots, pim day at Ascot :— the initials and crest, or forfeit one shilling. The Tradesmen’s Cup—b by eneten of half-a-crown each from their ~~! tis by a. eer 8 ~ . ; wae nad dis ao Sa The Butchers’ es—of one red pounds, open to all the metro- politan butchers’ boys. he Kalydor should go The betting will be limited to the Betting offices, and the final settling dr ink, should also buy the latter to remedy the effects of the bev will take place at one of the penal settlements. namely those peculiar Agricultural Distress. well-known consequence of manatee in alcoholic fluids LIQUORS FOR LADIES; OR BANE AND ANTIDOTE. E saw in a fashionable newspaper, a paragraph headed “Tne Races AND THE Fkres,” being a per- fumer’s advertisement in disguise, which informs “ladies attending on these occasions’’ that they “would do well to provide them- selves” with some stuff which it calls “ Aqua d’Oro,” and adds: , “This fragrant and spirituous perfume refreshes and invigorates the system | during the heat and dust of summer, and | will be found an esseniial accoupaniment for the opera, the public assembly, and the promenade. In all cases of excitement, lassitude, or over-exertion, it will prove of | reat advantage taken as abeverage, dilute | with water.” | The British sailor, in the song, | exclaims, with an imprecation, that there is nothing like grog. Jack’s declaration is erroneous as | well as profane. ‘The perfume, | Aqua d’Oro, “ diluted with water,” is very much like grog, and ‘if k of cau-de-vie might be recom- ladies who go to the races to avoid ; ples If it really does this, the "Aqua @Oro and ladies who purchase the th to blossoms whose cones on ng face is the oc guns Latiipmbiiae aaa etna The » English and Australian agriculturists, it would seem, are now alike “ distressed,” and from diametrically opposite causes. Here, it is the want of gold affects them : there, the glut of it. Sympatuetic Suowers.—The rain on ite Ascot Cup day seems to have exercised a curiously sympathetic influence upon the Betting- house proprietors. It was astonishi what a number of them were found next morning to have “ mizzled.” VOL. XXII. Cc Cc a aR as «eda attra ly is sg

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gem, ¥ oe, ig SM cae or <i wi ae eo ees 27 Sas), snalBaiac od. me SaaS ee

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. THE WEATHER AND THE HIPPODROME, HERE is nothing able to damp the| ardour of our friend | Ma. Barry at the} Hippodrome, who, in the midst of the incessant pelt- ing of a series of itiless storms all ast week, con- tinued to advertise daily his delight at his “ most) sanguine expecta-| tions” having been “more than fre- alised.”” He cer- tainly must have been giving his ima- gination the rains, f he could have conceived such an uninterrupted fall of wet as threw its | incessant damp last week on the Hip- podrome perform. | ances. Neverthe- | by me ing a RACY THOUGHTS Of a Young Man om coming home from Ascot, wet through, and having | lost all his Money. Tue reason why Racing is generally called “The Turf,” must be owing to the fact of so many green blades being found upon it ; and I’m sadly afraid I’ve heen one of them to-day. Lf the jockeys were weighed previous to the race according to their moral, instead of their physical, weight, it is to be feared that there are exceedingly few who wouldn’t be found wanting. A person can his money very quickly on the Stock Exchange, or or by throwing it down @ mine, or by burying it under a lot of houses; but it’s a serious question if Racing will not get through bis fortune much ‘uicker in the long run. The man s his fortune upon the four feet of a horse, mustn’t feel f, in the running, his becomes forfeited also. In gambling there is no gratitude. Let one man another. either at ecards, or at billiards, or on the Turf, or at pi -and-toss—I don’t care what the method of beggary wan hove been; but do you think he feels in the least grateful to the man money he has won ” Racing is only another kind of dice-throwing, with this difference, that you throw with horses i of dice, and with this disadvantage, that the horses have jockeys, and the dice none. The is very simple, and a very pretty one to look at. You put the twenty horses all together—rattle them well—and when they come ¢ ing out running at their fall speed over the green course, I defy you to tell | which number will turn up the winner. It is all over in one minute, and it is doubtful at which of the two games a person can lose most at a single throw. less, the proprietor | The man who believes in his luck at racing is doomed to be a penni- declares himself to be rather superfluously satisfied, or, in other words, | that he has had somewhat more than enough of it. He has com- menced his season with a most unseasonable succession of “ over- flows,” of a not very profitable character, but he has tested the loyalty of his performers, who went cheerfully through thick and thin—though the thick decidedly predominated over the thin, for there was more mud than puddles—to serve the manager. As to the Royal Hippodrome Balloon, it has been in soak all the week, and can scarcely have a dry thread about it. We can only hope that a long season of sunshine may help to dry Mr. Batry’s tiers, and—to use a sort of Irish allegory bring him up with a wet sail, that he and his banners may come off | with flying colours, PUNCH TO THE BIG-WIGS OF ETON. | I have lost my money, am discontented, misera GeytLemen,— Your little fourth of June entertainment went off very well—very well, indeed; fine boys—noble fellows—admirable British less man, let him be as rich as ail the Rorascuitprew of Israel put | together ! | Confound it! The best part of the race, after all, is the champagne and the eating and drinking. If you are ou cannot enjoy your “grub.” You are thinking of the stakes, how much you may have to fork out—instead of being intent, as you should ee | forking out the stakes which are at the bottom of the pigeon-pie. at a fool I was to stick to any other ! Chere is no fool so illiterate but who imagines he can go upon the Turf, and “ make a book !” The thimblerig-men, [ maintain, are an injured set of beings. They | were suppressed, whilst the members of the betting-ring were left un- ‘touched. Compare the two together, and I doubt if there would be | found a pea to choose between them. ble, and wet to the |skin. I cannot imagine a more pitiable being than I am at the present moment, and yet such is the infatuation of racing, that I really believe if there were men and big sign-posts stationed at every step to baw! youth, But, gentlemen, you must, in future, nai you must, respect | out as loud as they could, “ You mustn’t go upon the Turf ”—that still, the dues of hospitality. You invite the American ask Ma. LawRENCE to come and hear the boys, and then—unwittingly, | nope—but you must be a little more cautious for the future—vou then set up Master Everen, K.S. to recite—in the yery teeth of the American Minister—Burkz’s firebrand thingamy, Agains/ Taxing the | American Colonies. And the company—it was very spiteful of them— | “loudly applauded” for “in the presence of Mr. Appot LawRgnce,” | it had “a marked effect.” Now, gentlemen, are you aware that you no doubt offended the monarchical principles of the republican Minister? About a fortnight | ago, did not that estimable gentleman glorify the Fishmongers’ Vom- | pany decause it numbered among its late members the man who “ killed the rebel Wat TyLer?” Yes—rebel was the word! ‘The represen- | tative of a nation of successful rebels rejoiced that the rebel TyLeR had | bitten Smithfield dust ! Now, the Minister who can rejoice over the body of sprawling TYLER —of the rebel who would not quietly see his child profaned by the tax- gatherer—cannot admire the disaffection of Epmunp Burxe in bis} praise of the rebels to Kise Gronce—the tens of thousands of rebels | on the other side of the Atlantic. The Americans ought to have paid the money—held their peace and | their allegiance. Even as Wat TyLer ought to have paid the poll-tax | for his daughter, or have permitted the test proposed by Kiye Ricuarp’s officer. | ihe Minister who condemns Wat TyteR must, logically, condemn | Wasuineron, even though the Minister misrepresent the suecess of the rebellion of which WasainGTon was the glory and the hero. Therefore, gentlemen, take warning : consider the delicate position of | the American Minister for the future—and further consider that | I remain your obedient servant, pULCR. | ——— Avustrattaw Axtom.—“ A Shepherd in hand is worth two in the Bush.”

resident ; yes, you) still | should be rushing upon it again to-morrow, in spite of all their injunctions, and in spite of my own experience that 1 was sure to be punished for it !

Inviolability of Bishops. Mr. Horsman has obtained a majority for an inquiry, that will never take place, into the conduct of the Bissor or Bata awd Wetts for appointing Ma. Bewyert, the martyr of St. , to Frome. The whole matter will end in smoke ; for let a Bishop do what he may, says Mr. Diseaewt, Parliament has no power to touch him. The lawn is triple mail—the silk apron the nine bull-hides of Ayax. hus, Rapetais makes a Bishop put himself into /rostipialibus when | | about to commit the heaviest sin; and for this has in | some sort survived—sinning as a Churchman, the Se Be es lay hold upon him.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARTVARL A CHANCERY BONE OF CONTENTION. Gay in the in Beit Kees Court a westion in the Ley? case was whether an old lady, who died in 1827 (only tone wenty-five ago, which is i the age of a er yoy oy by her wi Amon ig a power of appoin ment, reserved to her One would imagine ro question would 1 sigele can wd b senlly answered ; but sixteen counsel were employed in had, and ‘that ~~ hadn’t. — negative position os sepprte by Mxssns. Kesyow P am, 2 aynes, and Oxtver; while th he aflrmative was sustained by Ma. T.C. Wriout, Ma, L. Wicnsm, Mr. Keewz, Mra. Watxenr, Mu. Bacon, Mz. T. Hat, M Rg. Baseatty, Ma. Biee, Ma. J. Rossett, Mr. TURNER, Mr. Kine, and six- teenthly and lastly, by Ma. J. Barer. It is wonderful how so apparently small a of contention can give employment to the jaws of no less than sixteen barristers This, however, is not _ for in a Chancery suit it is not sufficient to have a standing army of standing counsel on both sides, but there is a neutral — to be taken up ——* and on this occasion it was filled by Mr. Fottett on Busx, who “ appeared for the trus ” who had no interest in the result either one way or the other. No wonder “ his Honour” said, that “ after the number of cases that had been cited he should reserve his judgment.” We defy any one to have any judicial faculty left after listening to eighteen barristers on one point, and we would lay a wager—anywhere but at a betting office, where those oe lose pay, those who win don’ t receive—that however simple uestion, the amount of “ learning” employed upon it must have to it to a mass of inextricable confusion. Hanpily for the sanity of Chancery suitors in general, they are usually before it comes to their turn to have the matters in which they are interested brought before the Court, and the survivors entitled to the “fund ” have been born to consider the “ fund ” as the sport of the law, so that they really are in the a fallaciously ascribed to the eels, and have become, by use, hardened to the process of skinning. THE SETTLEMENT FOR THE CUP. Tue settlement for Ascot has gone off very much as might have been | aught to move ; it 4 shake ond not ™ My'Lad * e Si ng, meant to prove \ is white, as clear as mud. witness to confound, and with sophistry—no more ; hearts young ladies seek, juries being made, ns inserted in the cheek. ig. snitere ait tho Cipunty Courts bove ounaht, the causes, and are like to keep, they are where justice may be bought— Be elt se shops that it eee ohh Fall, Nisi rigs ne’er to rise agai And those iniquities wih thes, = The pela, Doctor’s Commons—and that den, That sty, that sink, the Court of Chancery ! CORDIAL BONDS BETWEEN ENGLAND AND AUSTRIA. Tae Duxe or Castettano is a man of a sort of humour; he evi- dently has a relish for a grim joke, and must laugh—when risible—like a death’s-head. ‘This deadly droll duke, writing to Mu. Scax.err, on the atrocity committed on Ma. Marae Austrian sabre cut 1,000 francesconi ; “Has reason to oon 5 bevy! that this act of British Government, and pe that it coll goat have the effect of coutributing to draw closer the bonds of cordial friendship ‘ing which always existed between the two the Duke Governments.” A thousand francesconi, and for only one was 9 at = E gentleman : why, such a handsome sum ought to purchase pos pon Scania d However, we are to be all the better friends for the gash : former love of all former nations ; and at only t small charge of 1 francesconi offers as indemnity for the | ity will be appreciated by the | he congratulates himswif beforehand (nothing like being | ash: if Mn Mr. Maruer bad been murdered outright, our ami oy woul have passed 00 apa mal oy, cuts down an unarmed man expected—several of the losers having “gone off” in a most mysterious | becomes the sweetest of pacificators. Beautiful are the sabres of the manner. A large number of shop-boys who had for some time pre-| peace -makers! And now our cordial bonds are drawn $0 closely! To viously to the race “ jmaking up a book,” have transferred their attention to their masters’ books, which they have been trying i ighien& knot Ld dy... water Mood. ever tthe Sesteins imgpaves “make up” in such @ way as to meet the engagements they have incurred, and some have attempted to settle their own accounts by | = appropriating the proceeds of the accounts of their employers’ customers. | The Stuff of the Protectionist Banner. An immense —- of watches changed hands on the morning after the race, } Reaoses, the linendraper’s lad, who stood 1o win| TH® present Ministers, when they were in Opposition, were always forty pounds = ur, ran away, to avoid being asked for forty talking of nailing their colours to the mast. shillings which he hed id out—from the till—on the “ favourite.” they have now hauled down the flag; but that is not the case—the Protectionist colours are still flying : but this fact may not be generally = a owing to a mistaken — that they are what is commonly called True Blue. ‘The standard of the Protectionists consists of what ladies call “ shot silk,” and | lution which it assumes while wavering in the breeze. Sporting Problem. Grven—The odds at a Betting Office To rinp—The Betting Office if the odds are lost. Song of the Australian ‘Shepherd. Tue flocks may leave the mountains, And perish every fold; But dust-dry be the fountains, Ere I'll forsake the gold ! SAUCE FOR THE MINT. Tue Mint authorities, in their opis with reference to the new Florin,} Op Joz Court of Chancery, om eee bad as the for they have shown ex- | Cup day at treme tardiness in bringing matters to an issue. no joke. — Several of those who have lost by the result of the at Ascot have been let into the secret that Joe Miller may be Instead of that, some say | and changes its hue with every variety of invo- | rem i ee See ne ae a | _—

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ens Pan

256 PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

ose Py ae _<sieeen ae DOMESTIC BLISS.-GOING “OUT” TO AN “AT HOME.” Lovely Woman (to brute of a Husband). “Goon Gaactovs, W1iisam—Fast asterP! anv wot Dressep,| President di Wuy, It’s NeaRLY TWELVE “O'CLOCK, AND THe Brovesam was BEEN WalTING THIS} soundest repose the night fol- Ha.r-Hourn, Go AND GtT READY THIS Moment, Stn!” | pectarne!

| ODE TO OUR MARVELLOUS CONTEMPORARY. Txov art the Print for me, ries Courier ; Such wondrous things in thee

ver appear : Toads pent in solid trees, rp pr ner lage At eee through the year oa Tales of sagacious dogs, SSN) ~ way And showers of fish and frogs, — _ Most strange to hear we: Twins like the wager RAS Ve i ome f sem tht ise , SS Mock suns and double moons, hes) Dumfries Courier ; A Odd apes and strange baboons, ™ Ghost stories queer : Hy" Dreams that have come to pass, ao | Seems i! amaz'! , illt uge I ”, The English Press in Paris. Ar the time of our going to Press, we recei igenee that the

A PUSEYITE BURKE. A most desperate attempt was made the other evening at St. Stephen’s, | showing, that although some old gentlemen —— that there is no | such a man as BuRK® now-a-days in the House of Commons, that senile complaint is unfounded. On Mr. Homaman’s motion “for a select committee to inquire into the circumstances connected with the insti- | tution of the Rev. Mu. Bennet to the Vicarage of Frome,” Mx. Guap- | stone attempted to smother the proposed investigation, by means of 4, quantity of yarn, ingeniously spun into what might be termed a web of sophistry, ‘The determined endeavour was happily baffled by a strong body of forty-five straightforward individuals, who deserve much credit | for their firm and sensible conduct. The motive of the intended deed | is not very clear, for though its effect, had it been accomplished, would have been to screen the suspected parties, they, according to their par- liamentary “pal,” will have no cause to fear imquiry, but rather the | reverse. Benwett, as is well-known, is accused of being a confederate with the papal gang, and the Bisaor or Batu anp We Ls is denounced as his abettor. Should it Protestant potas to his induction to that living, both Bishop and | Vicar will come off with flying colours, and will have reason to rejoice at the failure of the effort to deprive them of an opportunity of | clearing their characters, which has been made by their indiscreet ally, the Member for Romanesque Oxford. The National Portrait Gallery. Lorp Manon, with great good taste, intends to propose a vote of money for the formation of a National Portrait Gallery. Mr. Punch here gives timely notice that he will so¢ consent to sit, if his friend Oliver Cromwell is not permitted to make one of the company. This being considered, Mr. Punch has no objection to the Fancy Portrait of Guy Fawkes, which Mx. SpooneR—having painted it in his own colours — proposes to add to the collection. Krypty Meant.—It is with the best wishes that we recommend to the notice of our Protectionist Ministers the perusal of a little book, _ published under the title of “The Stomach and its Difficulties.” ve that the Vicar or Frome had turned} CHRISTMAS IN JUNE. Tne severity of the season bas called forth numerous acts of that benevolent consideration for the necessities of the indi for which the higher ranks in this country have always been remarkable. — and —— a ge largely aes eaten by an i a ntry, including the merchant-prinees’ of et i , warm, com soup. It is hoped - these wee Edad a ioscitte ier ean aie to temper t the skies to those whose means are imadequate to proeure for them- selves the requisite protection against the bitter blasts and-@old of ummer. ; Several of the aristocracy have issued cards for juvenilé*parties on Midsummer-day, to play at blindman’s buff and~snap-deagon, and dance the longest day out and the shortest day in. pias ; The managers of the different theatres are busily engaged in getting

wp pantomimes for the dog days.

The Militia not Drawn but Painted. Tue Dutch, once upon a time, showed how they could best combine economy with a martial mani jon : painted sentinels on their \ sentry-boxes. “Our Ministry, Saoree Dutch economy, have, never- theless, passed the Militia Bill, by which they will enrol a force of no more-practical value than soldiers made of red paint. If we must have ‘an increased force, let us at least have the real thing; the more especially as we are to pay for it. The Ministry may certainly draw the Militia; but they had better have followed the cheaper mode of the Duteb, and without previous drawing, at once painted it. A Day of Resignations. SevVERAL rumours were afloat a few days ago that the Denny party had resigned their offices, which remained vacant. On inquiry we ascer- tained that the Dexsy party alluded to consisted of a set of low gam- blers, and that the offices are no other than the blackguard offices, many of which were “ resigned” on the day after the races, have been “ vacant ” ever since.

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Se a iN, in (| | LANNE } / uta i] 1} Ra NNN i P AY y i THE SETTLING DAY OF THE * BETTING OFFICE” FREQUENTER. (Seortinc Yourn 1s Supposep To nave “ Borrowgp” His Master's Cash Box 10 pay His Bers.) ——— | — June 19, 1852.

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Astity and Inclination, 244 Address of Mr. Hugo Vamp, 133 Address to Sir Fitzroy Keily, 176 Admiral Flambo’s Corr 12 Common Sense on Wheels, 156 Compiaint of the Country M.P. (The), 7 a of Christmas, 22 Affair of Honour (An), 151 Affair of Onnar (An , 250 A(ter Dinner Joke (The), 161 Again Our Insane Artist, 252 Air of Downing Street (The), 132 Alarming Iilness of Two Eminent Legal Characters, 60 Alarming Incident on the Great Western Railway, | Alarming Intelligence, 113 Alphabet Lozenges, 63 American Crusaders (The), 143 Amusements of Passion Week, 14 Anatomy of a Msejority, 206 Another Affair of Honour, 231 Apple Pie, 233 Arabs in Paris (The), 239 Army lotelligence, 13 Art of Egg-Throwing (The), 124 Artificial Flesh, 76 Astrovomy of the Stage (The), 168 Austrian Reward of Hospitality, 128 Ba«ceas for Parliament, 250 Bald Facts, 169 Ball Practice, 64 Beau Idéal of a Cook (The), 50 ** Best Price given for Old Regs,” 14 Bishop of Durham’s Purse (The), |132 Bishop of Manchester’s Easter Offering | (The), 175 Bitter Beer Controversy (The), 152 Bitters of Office (The), 211 Biack Prince aod his Brothers (A), 153 Beewf Grea, Agriculture and Protection The}, 97 Bor:.oa in Raptures, 14 Bones of the Best Authors (The), 177 Booked for Paris, 154 Brazen Head at Sunderland (The), 174 Bread Stuffs, 190 Breeze in the House of Commons (The), | 81 Britannia and Hibernia, 252 Brother Jonathan on our National De- fences, 29 Casinet Picture (A), 69 Caledovia’s appeal, 94 Canterbury Eagle’s Nest, (The), 245 Canticie for a Pusey te Incumbent, 179 Capture of the Sea-Serpent, 123 Card from the Protectionist Wai's (A), | Caucasian Brothers (Tne), 239 Chancery Bone of Contention (A), 255 Cheap Law Delusion (The), 114 Chemistry of the House of Commons, 75 | Christian of a Hundred Thousand (A), 9 | Christmas Waits, 9 Christmas in June, 256 Chronicies of 1854, 12 City Brigands (The), 20 Clandestine Parliament (A), 113 Clear Necessity for Reform, 154 Clergy Market (The), 192 Clerical Mrs. Bloomers, 22 Clinical Case of Larceny (A), !61 Cock, the Eagie, —s the Goose The), 50 Cocks—A Parallel, | Coid-blooded Pinansies (A), 1 Colonel Sibthorp on Christian Zcentty,1 365 ion in Kensington Gardens, 192 Const tutional Whip (The), 7 i Contrasts with the Crystal Paiace, 153 | Converts in Buckram, 176 | Cordial Bonds between England and Austria, 255 j Corps of the Shoulder-knot (The), 79 Coup D’ Etat in the Strand (A), 20 i C.urt and Ailey) Circular, 197 Crackers for Christmas, 2 Credat Judzeus, 44 Cries for ‘he Country Party, !21 Criminal Treaty with the Criminal of | France, 253 Crown Jewels of the City (The), 23 Cruel to a Hair, 196 Cruelty to Quotativuns’ Bill (The), 240 Cry from the Postman (A), 97 Crysta' Pelece Destractives (fhe), 168 Crystal Palace in the Crystal Village (The), 237 Crystal Paiace Report (The), 151 Cup of Prosperity, 73 Cup that Inebriates, but does not Cheer, | 223 Curiosities of Justice, 56 Curious Chemical Discovery, 60 Dame for our Nati. nal Pride (A), 82 | Dangerous Animals’ Bill (The), 136 | Day of Resignations (A), 101 | Death of the Sea-Serpent } | | | ] The), 132 De Lunatico, 249 Density in High Life, 211 Derby Event (The), 95 | Derby ‘* Insides’’ (The), 1'9 | Derby Ministry (The), 105 Discouragement of Industry, 202 Domestic Enigma (A), 211 Doctors in Pettiloens, 205 Don’t Sing, Johanoah, | 07 Dr. Cahili’s Uitramontade, 230 Dr. Darling Outdone, 43 Drama in the Insolvent Court (The), 53 Dreadful Complaints of the Lungs of London, i6¢ Dry Fact (A), 69 | Daties of a Witte Waistcoat (The), 163 Eacces at Peéding Time, 240 Eari of Derby”s Siting: (The), 180 ** Eau Suctée,” the Helicon of French | Eloquence, | 66 | | | Editor at @ Discount (An), 11) Election Anacreontic, 109 Election Intelligence, 14% Electioneering Letter-Writer (The), 241 Elephant to Disraeli (The), 217 Emperor of France—almost (The), 155 | Empire of “ If” (The), 154 | Enfranchisement of Plush (The), 45 England mustn't Expect too Mach, 252 | Ensaing Election (The), 157 | Epgram, 45 | Epsom Gypsey’s Art of Telling Fortunes | | The), 233 | Epsom Marbles, 224 | Equality of Names, 222 Error in Jadgment, 142 | Evil of their own Election (An), 2:9 | Bxclusive Irish Tutor (The), 55 Extrawny Taste, (Ao , 174 | Graod Explanation Fasues for the Protectionists, 112 | Famine amongst the Farmers 197 Fare Inference (A), 264 | Farmer's Measure (The), 109 | Fate of all Umbrellas (The), 20 7 Father of the French Nation (The), 174 Feast of Vegetables and the Flow of Water (The), 10 Female Franchise (The), 141 | Few Dresses at the Drawing-Room, 148 Piddie Faddie Clergyman (A), 104 Finance for Young Ladies, 187 First Song of the Session, 72 Five Sundays in a February, 95 | Fiesh-pots of the Navy (The), 26 Flinging Satire in a Man's Face, 223 Flowers ail Round my Hat, 157 Foolish Proposition not so Foolish as it Looks, (A), 244 Pree-Trade Fairy Tale (A), 253 French Blue Beard (The), 11 French Cocks and French Eagles, 20 French Unity, 55 French Vuiture (The), 51 Freshman’s Progress (The), 126 Friend’s Advice to Disraeti, 98 Frustrate their Navish Tricks, 5 9 | Funoy Market and Witty Intelligence, 12, 26, 59 Game of Globules (The), 209 Ghosts on the Victoria Tower, 137 Gog’s Pirouette, 3 Going the Whole Lamb, 207 Gold in England, 219 Golden Age (The) 185 Golden (Square) and Silver (Street Mining C »mpaoy, 176 * Good Faith,” 206 Good Name fo: a New Pill, 82 Government's Honoured Guest, 190 Grand Disappointment (A), 227 (The), 66 Grand Tour de Conscience A), 232 Great Auti-Wagner Demonstration, 209 Great Cab Nuisance (Tue), 32 Great Criminal (A), 10 Great Diplomatic Piddle-Case (The), 178 Great Prima Donna Question (The), 173 Great Refresh sent Debate (The), 63 Great Un-read (The), 63 Green Room atthe Marionnette Theatre (The), 79 Hastrs ot the Business Member of Par- lament, 147 Habits of the Nice Young Man, 191 Hack Blade of the ae (Phe), 4 | Hard Swearing in om | Havoe in Roman History, f He never will be such a Fool, 157 Heraldry of Parliament (The) 74 Hero of PF ve Hundfea Fi Hero of One battle-Fieid ie), 224 Heroes aud their Highiows, 72 Heroism on the Tight Rope, 240 Hints for the Horse Guards, 21 Hints on Eng: ish Elegance, 251 Hobbies’ Philosepuy, 261 How to Cook a Frenchman’s Goose, 157 How to Serve Invaders, 187 Humanity of French Bullets, 26 Hustings aod Heartstrings, 93 imenomeptu Dinners, 223 ln the Name of Charity, 122 Income. Tax Never Dies (The), 220 Income-Tax Superseded (The), 249 infancy of Crime in Scotland, 95 Invasion Panic (The), 96 Junxins Let Loose Again, 245 Joke's a Joke for ali That (A), 152 Jovathan and Japan, 218 Lamant (to be Sung when too Late for the Crystal Palace) (A), 168 Landiord’s Electro-Blology (The), 251 Land Pirates of the Docks (The) |3 Last New French Quadriile, 216 Last Slave Sold in England (The), 212 Latest Decree from France (Tue), 62 Latest Pun from France, 42 Latin for Lawyers, 113 Law of Crochet (The , 229 Lay for Cabinet Loafers, 115 Lay of the Ariicled Clerk The), 23 Lezaras for ali Weatheis (A), i34 Lesroed Fleas, |9i Lecture at the Scrong-Minded Women's Clab, 170 Leicester Square Conspirators, 2 Letter Fresh ‘rom the Cover (A), 240 Libel de Lupatico, 59 Life in an Omnibus, 144 Lines to Broth r Jonathan, 13 Literary Intelligence Extraordinary, | Little Derby Day (A), \64 Littie Politician (The), 83 Lora Brougham’s Optical Lecture, 66 Lounger’s Tear (The), 189 Louis Napoieon's Airs, 56 Louis Napoleon's Last, )41 iouis Napoleon’s Last Chance, 160 Louis Napoleon's March, 174 Louis Napoleon So omon, 216 Love in @ Bottle, 207 Lunatic in . hancery (A), 245 M. Louis Naro.son, Professor of Sleight of Hand, 51 Magistrates in Chancery, 1/8 Maoners and Customs of the French (Utopia cised by Mr. Conden), 20! | Mammas and Militiamen, 64 Marbie Arch (The), 3 Marionnette Theatricals, 52 Mark Lane in Mourning, 201 3 | Marquis of Lansdowue and the New | | | | j Tne), 122 | Ministry, 96 Matrimonial Market, (The), 243 | Matrimony Made Kasy, \6« May Queen, (Part Ii.), Mean Jeniousy, 22 Meat and Money, 190 Meeting a Gas-meter, 43 Member for Bodmin the Greatest of Mathematicians (The), i¢ | Members for Intelligence, y2 Men and Apes, lié The), 155 Holiday Empioyment for tne Cabinet,163 | Merely a Matter of Form, 76 Homeopathic Reveiry, 160 Militia not Drawn but Painted (The, os) | Honourabic Amends to Sir Harry Smith, | (Milk) Pale of Society, 122 218 poo io 103 of Chemistry (The), 23 | Milk Reform, 196 | Mind amongst tne Police, 156 Ministerial Arrangements, 10% nS eR ie

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Sw teevbcseaiters pee * Sate tccaakle A 8 ete i oe ee eign nme Ti ae tenet ae ee + ——en 260 INDEX. Ministerial Corn-Catter (The), 156 Ministerial Diaries, 117 Ministerial Mess (A), 147 Mies Violet and Her “ Offers,” 145, 162, 106, &e., ke. Model Address to Electors, {Ar 79 Model Article on a Certain Person, 65 Modern My'hology, 244 ** Modification,’’ 152 Monkey and the Tiger (The), 76 | Monster Sweep (A), 207 Monament for the ‘Man of Pilis (A), 118 Moral Madness, 153 Morals of “ The Mahogany,” 97 Most Unpardonabie, 238 Motives, 250 Motto for a Monthly Narse, 73 Mr. Disraeli and the Jews, 45 | Mr. Disraeli’s Pictures, 206 Mr. Jeremiah Tops’ Advice to the Farmers, 173 Mr. Cockermouth to the Vicar of Frome, 263 Mre. Baker's Pet, 24, 49, 75, 91 Mummery at Midoight, 165 Musie for the Pope's Brass Band, 164 Musteal Snuggery (A), 54 My Member, 237 My Uncle! 9 Narouaat History for Aldermen, 52 Naval Nalveté, 61 New Chaunt for Rochester Choir (A), 165 New Convivial Sovgster (A), 205 New Law of the French Press (The), 87 New “ Pen’ Treaty with the Americans The), 116 New Song of the Heart, 111 New Year's Gifts to Louis Napoleon, 10 Newspaper Arithmetic, 16 Next ** Annexation ” (The), 161 Night Charges, 80 No Conscript Fathers, 231 No One is Safe, 84 | No Pop-ery at Oxford, 126 Not to be Wondered at, 122 Nuos Non-suaches, 179 Narsery Rhymer, 59. 242, One on the Derby, 223 Ode to the Rev. R. Whiston, 156 Ode to our Marvellous Contemporary, 256 Old and New Billingsgate, 25 Oid and New Year (The), 1 Old House and the New (The), 71 Old Saying Palled to Pieces (An), 1638 Omnivoroas Corporstion (The), 175 Onty Compliments One Ought Ever to Pay (The), 16 Opinions of a Crack Officer (The), 45 Our Above-Bridge Navy, 53 Our Adhesion to Mr. Bonaparte, 15 Our Admiral on Half. Pay, 65, 94 Our Campaigns with Weilington, 237 Our Clab-man, 31 Our Coast Defences, 43 bad a Critic ” among the Pictures, 216, 32 Our Imaginative Neighboars, 94 Our Insane Artist, 133 Our Maniac’s Last, 156 Our Kaciog Prophecy, 25: “ Pail ” of Civilisation ‘Te, 4 Palmerston Feast (The), Paragraph only to be Reed by the Ladies (A), 245 leis for Protectioniats, 163 Parhamentary Diner Out (A , 10! Parliamentary Pass.time, | se Parson of Frome without the F (The), 188 Pastor with a Vengeance (A), 133 Patron of Betting Offices (The), 243 Pay for your Breakages, 105 Penal Statues, }2) “ Penny for your Thoughts "’ (A), 242 People and as Palace (The), 198 so, Petition ‘as it ought to be) (A), 15! Pity the Poor Bailiffs, 19 Pras Hard Up, 196 Poetical Cookery Book (The), 34,51, 53, 70, 81, 87, &c. Poetry oi Cookery (The), 4 Police Intelligence, 63 Political Capita’, 196 Political Chamel-on (The), 234 Political Colours, 136 Political Crochet Book (The), ¢ Political Electro- Biology, 212 Political On Dits, 101 Poor Man’s Double Knock (The), 195 Pope of Rome v. the Queen The), 62 Popish Plot at Aylesbary (The, 105 Post Office Reform, 61 Potato Poteen, 243 Premier's Great Grandmother (The), 63 Preparing for the Worst, 169 Prince “ Haile,” 16 Proclamation by Punch, 50 Protectionist Cuckoo (The), 148 (Protectionist) Sea-Serpeut (The), 115 Protectionist Toasts, 245 Protectionist Unity of Thought, 66 Pump-handle for a J. ke (A), 25 Panch and His Correspondence, 4 Puoch’s Every Day Buok, |! Pucch to the Big Wigs uf Eton, 254 Puseyite Burke A), 256 Putney New Bridge, 22 Quack! Quack! Quack! 32 Quartern Loaf and the Weilington Statue (The), 111 Queer Card (A), 131 Qui 8’ Excuse 8’ Accuse, 22 Quod, 31 Racy Thoughts, 254 Railway Meeting io Constantinople, 19 Rapid Act of Saintship, 148 Rapid Growth in England, 240 Rapid Passage, 79 Real Blessing to Mothers (A), 51 Real Food for the Mind, 165 London Pride (The), 252 Red Hot Halfpenny (The), 60 Reform Bill Spiced (The . 90 Regaler Charch Chase (A), 54 Rejected Pantomime Tricks, 93 Representation of Westminster (The), 2 Repubiic’s Last Kick (The), 174 | Staff of the » Protectionist Sen0e. 255 * Such a Gettin’ Upstairs,” 196 Souffolk-ation of Justice (The), 133 | Saggestions for Song-Writers, 168 Supporters of the Pope (The), 15 — | Sweets from Ireiand, | Taiwor’ s Heraldry | Take Care of Your Pockets, 99, | Taking the Shine Out of at Ses, 217 Retr t 1961 and 1652, | Talk at fae Sennten, 100 renee Prospect, or jew (Marriage in High Life), 200 mae Clubs, 62 Rifle Shooting made Difficult. 61 Right and the Left (The), 21 Rime of the Ancient Ministere (The), 106 Rite of Hanging (The), 138 Roads in the Bush, 98 R kand k, I Roman Candles in pangahine, $1 Royal Correspondence (A), 195 Rained Halis, 255 Rates for Hea tn, 165 Raral Church Discipline, 96 Safe (A), 188 Safety Uniforms, 103 Sale at the Crystal Palace, 113 Sale of Autograrhs, 126 Sanguinary Outrage on a Defenceless Foreigner, 249 School for Ministers (A), 98 Sentimental Candidate (A), 187 Settlement for the Cup (The), 255 Seven Wonders of a Married Man 21 Seven Wonders of a Married Woman, (The). 21 Seven Wonders of a Young Lady, 42 Shekspearian Readings, 82 Shall Morrison Have a Monument? 141 Shame fal Case of Piracy (A), 112 Shamrock and the Crocodile (The), 131 Sharpshooters’ Chorus (The), 43 Shocking Effect of Loaves and Fishes, 147 Shoe-biacks in Parliament, 61 Shower of Benedictions (A), 219 Sibthorps of England (The), 127 Sic Itur ad Astra, 218 Smash for a Suburb (A), 84 Snob io the Insolvent Court, 108 Something like a Staff, 15 Something to be Thankful for, 176 Song for Mr. Speaker (A), 29 Song for the French Goveroment, 52 Song of the Australian Shepherd, 255 Song of the Sold-out Guardsman, ‘4 Spiritaous Liquors for Ladies, 253 Speak, Mr. Cobden, 69 Sporting Prophets (The), 233 8'amp of a Swindler (The), 52 State of Parties in the House of Com- | mons, 163 Stingo Cure (The), 155 Storm io Parliament (The), 74 Striking Remarks, 46 LONDON: BRADBURY AND EVANS, PRINTERS, WHITRFRIARS. | Semis to ah Eaeetaee, 117 | Theory of the Sea- Thing Difficult to Imagine (A), 198 197 Threatened Invasion, 60 Throwing Your Money into the Gu ter, 3 | To a Rich Young Widow, +9 in Difficul ities, 242 Tarkey in America, 61 Two Answers wanted, 156 Tyba' nian of the Old School (A), 175 Unasrortep Iiiaminations, 222 Upon Them, Charge! But Don’t Over- charge, 134 Very Best Joke of the Season (The), 20 Very Open Question (A), 192 Veteran Cutting his Teeth (A), 188 Voice from the Luggage Van (A), 104 Voice of the Protectionists (The), 176 Voices of the Night, 131 Vox Populi in Paris, 96 Wacceates of Wagner, 162 Wagoner on Engiand, 192 Wegner War (The), we Warner Range (The), 56 Weather and the rss (The), 954 Welsh Echo (A), 83 ** What Cheek id 142 What Fools Some People Are! 146 What I saw, did, thought, and beard, at Paris, 215 What the Debates will Come to, 7! What Will You Let Me Have this Bo- rough for? 207 What Are They Arter? 243 What to Est, Drink, and Avoid, on Epsom Downs, 2 2 What Was Found Inside the American Sea-Serpent, 122 What "s the Use of an Alderman? 9 What's to be Done with the Serpen'ine? 234 ‘When Found, Make a Note of,”’ 45,177 “* Where is the Holy Land?” 188 Where is the Stage Going to? 70 Which was Which? 131 Why did Lord Paimerston Resign ? 16 Why don’t the Men Propose? 128 Wiltshire Carol (A), 14 Wind that Blows Nobody Good (A), 135 | Woman's Heart (a Contrad’ction), 32 Ye Delectabie Baliad, 227 “ You'll Meet Me, Won’t You?” 195

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