Puck 1916-06-10: Vol 79

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1 WEEK ENDING JUNE 10, 1916 CONVE NTION PRICE TEN CENTS Aye” NUMBER i] 1\) THOME AAA | | ll =| J : | | = | iN Copyright by Raphael Kirchner, 1916 P WIRELESS

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For Many Years No One Knew Why y Light Spoiled Beer Science declares now that it is the ultra violet rays of light (the short rays) that decompose the protein (albumin) and ruin the wholesome- ness of the beer. The only adequate protec- tion is the Brown Bottle. That’s why Schlitz in Brown Bottles tastes so good — its nutritive value is unimpaired. Order a Case Today ae See that crown is branded “* Schlitz’ in Brown he Beer = Bottles That Made Milwaukee Famous.

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“Pa’s Got His New B.V.D.s On” E had old-fashioned notions, until the Boys went out, bought B.V. D. and made him put it on. Look at him! Now, Pa joins right in the young folks’ fun, because he’s cool. Loose fitting, light woven B.V.D. Underwear starts with the best pos- sible fabrics (specially woven and tested), continues with the best possible workmanship (carefully in- spected and re-inspected), and ends with complete comfort (fullness of cut, balance of drape, correctness of fit, durability in wash and wear). If it hasn't 1 It isn't This Red B. V. D. Underwear (Trade Mark Reg. U.S. Pat. Of. and Foreign Countries) B.V. D. Closed Crotch Union Suits (Pat. U.S. A.) $1.00 and upward the Suit. B.V. D. Coat Cut Undershirts and Knee Length Drawers, 50c. and upward the Garment. The B.V.D. Company, New York. London Selling Agency: 66, Aldermanbury, E.C. A Splendid Piece of Color By B. Wennerberg One of Munich’s famous artists Reproduced on heavy plate paper, all ready for framing 9 5 and sent prepaid for Cc IN STAMPS Size 11 x 14 inches PUCK PUBLISHING CORPORATION 210 FIFTH AVENUE NEW YORK The Serenade by B. Wennerbere (j Broe™ NATHAN STRAUS, JR, Publisher 10 cents per copy $5.00 per year Entered at N. Y. P. O. as Second-Class Mail Matter. Copyright 1916 by Puck Publishing Corporation (Trade-Mark Registered in the United States and Great Britain). Editor, General Manager, Kar_ SCHMIDT. Foster GILROY. The contents of Puck are fully protected by copy- right, and must not be reproduced without permis- sion. PusutsHers’ Notice: Puck is published every Mon- day (dated the following Saturday) by the Puck Publishing Corporation, 210 Fifth Avenue, Madison Square, New York City; (Nathan Straus, Jr., Presi- dent and Treasurer; Foster Gilroy, Secretary). PUCK is mailed to subscribers at $5.00 per year or $2.60 for six months. Canadian subscriptions, $5.50 per year, $2.75 for six months; Foreign, $6.00 per year, .00 for six months. All communications should be addressed to the Puck Publishing Corporation Puck will use its best care with MSS., but cannot be held responsible for their loss, nor can it be held responsible for MSS. remaining uncalled for after 30 days. MSS. sent in by mail should be accompanied by a self-addressed and stamped envelope or wrapper, otherwise they cannot be returned. Puck is on sale in Europe at the various branches of the International News Co., and the Atlas Publishing and Distributing Co.; Bren- tano’s, Paris; Wm. Dawson & Sons and W. H. Smith & Sons, London; Hachette et Cie, Paris, and Basle, Lausanne and Geneva, Switzerland. London Office: Puck, 6 Henrietta Street, Covent Garden, W. ¢ A New Note in Puck In line with our policy of printing the newest in the world of art, Pucx will next week present an example of the work of Carl Sprinchorn, a young Swede who has been studying in this country under Robert Henri. Mr. Sprinchorn’s drawings have received a marked degree of critical appreciation, and we quote from some of the New York newspaper comments on a recent exhibition of his work: Memory and the creative imagina- tion are triumphant here. ... The mind of the exploring artist here plays freely over the world, without need of passport or schedule. The artist’s fancy and skill play together like joyous comrades. —The Evening Sun. Though all these rapid little sketches are of value, those in pen and ink, with or without added color, are especially noteworthy. They are more than clever. They possess a truly remarkable quality of line, both beautiful and interpretative. With a few hurried strokes the artist secures a wonderful rendering of character and action. —The Tribune. Sprinchorn’s drawings have the charm of seeming to have been done rapidly and with easy authority, and yet each is a work of separate serious- ness; and intense expression of life And they not only represent life, but also have a capacity of communi- catiig life to one’s imagination that is quite unusual. —The American, The European war has considerably restricted the output of art in the centers from which Puck in the past drew many of its most notable features. Most of the celebrated French and German illustrators are at the front, and it is an unusual op- portunity, therefore, that makes it possible for us to introduce the work of so eminent an artist as Mr. Sprinchorn.

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‘Wes Qo T. R.—“I double-dare you to nominate anyone else but a man who is an ex-President, a Spanish-American veteran, an author, an associate editor, a discoverer, a fighter and a man of peace, and ‘the only man who can tear Wilson to pieces.’ Personally I am not for any candidate!” The Prodigal’s Good Fortune The Prodigal Son returning, the Father fell upon his neck and kissed him, saying meanwhile: ‘Kill the fatted calf!” Pleased at the prospect of a feast, the by-standers were nevertheless a trifle non- plussed at the warmth of the greeting. “I do this,” explained the Father, “because he is a Prodigal Son. Had he been a Favorite Son returning, I — well, I hate to tell you what I should probably have done to him. The thought is too awful.” And a shudder ran through the household, for the woods were full of Favorite Sons, all afraid to go home. A Farmer’s Prosperity Farmer Corning was asked whether he had had a good year. “Gosh, yes!’? he exclaimed. “I had four cows and three hogs killed by railway trains and two hogs and eleven chickens killed by automobiles. I cleared near a thousand dollars.” Vast Sums Go Up Yearly In Smoke The article referred to the $50,000,000 waste in factory gases, not the trivial two billion per year which goes up in cigarette “Trouble is, Jimmy, that no one knows where this naval increase is going to stop.” tarere-wies, | ~=AN OUNCE of Nujot 1s WortTH Director of Good Housekeeping Bureau of Foods =~ A Pounp of “Cure” Use NUJOL to PREVENT constipation LITTLE care about eating, a moderate amount of A exercise, and the use of Nujol as an internal lubricant to counteract any tendency to costiveness will keep most people from constipation. Nujol relieves constipation without upsetting the digestive processes or forming a habit. It acts in effect as a mechanical lubricant, softening the con- tents of the intestines and so encouraging normal, healthy bowel movements. Most druggists carry Nujol, which is sold only in pint bottles packed in cartons bearing the Nujol trademark. If your druggist does not carry Nujol, We will send you a pint bottle prepaid to any point in the United States on receipt of 75 cents—money order or stamps. Write for booklet, “The Rational Treatment of Constipation.” Address Dept. 42. STANDARD Ort COMPANY {New Jersey} Bayonne New Jersey REG.US. PAT Nujol “Deliberately Friendly” A charming den picture in full color, on heavy plate paper, size 1] x 14, sent to any address, carefully protect- ed and all ready for framing for 26 in Stamps Puck Publishing Corporation, 210 Fifth Ave., New York

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EP cow VENTION © APARTMENTS —_——_—— | .NO | BABIES | ALLOWED Drawn by William C. Morris RACE SUICIDE

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It is not strange that Mr. Edison should be so unreservedly for the Colonel. In the line of tireless conversation, the Colonel may remind him of his favorite invention, the phonograph. Almost the greatest rise, says a letter from Berlin, has been in fats. That, like- wise, is the.complaint of many desperate women who are trying to reduce. “If Mr. Root had accepted a renom- ination for the United States Senate in 1914 and had been elected by the people, we should have heard no talk now about his being a weak candidate.” —Ex-Secretary of War Stimson. Precisely; if The least, it seems, that the Progressives can do is to hold a sham battle at Arma- geddon. A man fell seventeen stories down an elevator shaft and broke only his legs. That isn’t the wonderful part of it, however. He had a cigarette in his teeth when he started to fall and he continued to smoke it when he reached the bottom of the shaft. There is grand advertising copy here for some firm of cigarette manufacturers “I asked for bread and ye gave me a machine gun,” is a summary of recent news from Mannheim. When it comes to studied seclusion, it is hard to say which is in deeper, Villa or Hughes. Looking over the political field, the Bull Moose may possibly compare itself with the hapless gentleman in the song: ‘All dressed up and no place to go.” Favorite Sons are not as well treated as they used to be. Take Joseph, for instance. He was a favorite son, and his father made him a coat of many colors. A_ favorite son, in present-day politics, is mighty lucky if he doesn’t lose his shirt. The drift of Republican sentiment toward Justice Hughes is pronounced among what are known as the “Old Guardsmen.” —Washington wire. Old Guardsmen forgive and forget. There was no such drift among them in the days when Hughes was laying bare the secrets of the Republican National campaign fund. The Convention Sergeant-at-Arms has been given strict instructions to enforce the rule against the carrying of concealed hyphens. THE GRAND OLD PARTY “AT SEA”—™“Oh! for a pilot! oh! for a policy!” Tentative ’ Agfat?'/ Drawn by William C. Morris c « ow Drawn by Boardman Robinson Measures

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. Verses by Berton Braley T. R. is attacking Hank Ford, and is whacking All pacifist persons, methinks; We know where his hat is, But back of a lattice Of whiskers, Judge Hughes is a Sphinx. The G. O. P. ticket— Who'll head it? Who'll pick it? The bunch to Chicago has swarmed, Just what its intention May be in convention We hope to be quickly informed. The task Democratic Is less problematic; In fact, we would wager a yén, That down in St. Louis The object in view is To run Mr. Wilson again. The news now at hand is That Louis D. Brandeis Will land on the bench — as he should; His foes have been fervent —They’ve proved that this servant Of men is a power for good! ‘4 a > ~~ THE NEWS IN RIME Police in Manhattan Are taking much chat in By tapping the wires of the phones; Wise folk will apply for A telephone cipher And talk in inaudible tones. \ aN Z 4 f 4 ; » ge 2a To give us more daylight, Less work and more playlight, It’s planned to set clocks on an hour, At least for the summer; But Time—the old bummer— Will still hold us firm in his power. Yet, some people cheat him, Hans Wagner has beat him And Lajoie scorns his attack; And—oh you fans, listen Right closely to this un— Old Matty, “The Marster”’s come back! Drawings by Merle Johnson The Austrians, also, Who once used to fall so Remarkably hard in each scrap, Have won some medallions By chasing Italians A number of miles on the map. Yes, comebacks are many, But queerest of any Is that Holland ship, in whose hold A war cargo nestles Although the stout vessel’s A hundred and fifty years old! Uprisings and riot? The Teutons deny it! Food shortage? They scoff it, pooh pooh! But somehow, we're judging, Where there’s so much smudging, Perhaps there’s a fire or two. Us Authors, far-sighted, Have lately united With labor— we're unionized now! Which means more sesterces For these deathless verses, Or that’s what we hope, anyhow!

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My Yo, \' 4 q, A 4. ; 4 x Yih 's ue yt? f : j 347 aie *; ‘h ne A j ‘Yu ar , ae ———— Sa ime 3 >>, - + SS = le ‘ IWS N ‘éx: we i Drawn by Robert Carter wv 7 ‘i " , P “I HEAR YOU CALLING ME” i

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Vout. LXXIX No. 2049 Weex Enpinc June 10, 1916 The Republican Convention OINCIDENT with the appearance of this issue of PUCK upon the news-stands there is assembling in Chicago a body styling itself the Republican National Convention, which might be described more character- istically as a national gathering of the unemployed. For the third time since it first came into power, the Republican party meets in National Convention as the party out of power. On the two previous occasions it had dominant candidates and live issues with which to regain control of the government. This time its sole as- set is a long bread-line of ex-office-holders. Except that the rank and file may get their jobs back in the Federal government it would be difficult even for the delegates to give a reason why the Republicans should hold a National Convention this year at all. See party has no candidate upon whom any con- siderable number of its members are agreed. Among its possible nominees is one whose opinions upon any question now concerning the administration of the government are absolutely unknown and cannot be made known with propriety until after his nomi- nation; another recently has seen one of the products of his “constructive statesmanship” repudiated by more than a half-million voters in his state; and still another is not even a member of the party. Aside from these three “leading candidates,” none of whom ever has said he was a candidate, the Favorite Sons are so little known that most of them would have to be introduced to one another. 5] é party is as bankrupt in issues as it is in candi- dates. Peace prevails in our relations with foreign nations and at home, unless Col. Roosevelt or Col. Bryan or the American Kaiserbund has started some- thing since this was written. Prosperity reigns everywhere— except among Federal ex-office-holders. Preparedness is assured by the new Army and Navy legislation despite the efforts of the Pacifists and of the Militarists. Peace, Prosperity and Preparedness! A Democratic Trinity—no longer issues, but accomplished facts. _ yet remain for Republican consideration the sacred Tariff, the offices and the Kaiserbund vote. If the Republicans bring the Tariff into this campaign they will have to bring it in on a stretcher, for it has been all “shot to pieces” in the European war. Until economic conditions following peace in Europe can be known with some degree of certainty, a discussion of radical changes in tariff schedules will not be apt to impress many persons outside of Bloomingdale, Kanka- kee and similar institutions. It is not to be expected, however, that the Republican Ephraim will desert his principal idol, but will con- tinue to worship even its shattered remnants. He will do this in the interest of what he calls Business, but what most Republican politicians call business, the masses of the people call grand larceny. The thought of the offices ought to operate in the interest of harmony, at least. Hunger for office is grip- ping the vitals of the followers of those erstwhile Bosses, suddenly translated into leaders —the Barneses, Penroses, Cannons, Cranes, et al—as the scent of the fleshpots mingles with the odor of Chicago’s historic stockyards. For the Republican Convention to make a servile bid for the Kaiserbund vote will be to confess the party as bankrupt in principles as it is in candidates and issues, and to invite the nomination of a third ticket headed by the world’s greatest living professional American. ex A Fifth Avenue Compromise cy the theory that all good Americans before they die visit Fifth Avenue as well as Paris, we assume that the “Save New York” movement, started by the reputable merchants of this great shopping thorough- fare, possesses an interest vastly wider than its merely local application. The sponsors of this appeal, embracing all the great retail stores of “The Avenue,” have asked the co-opera- tion of the public in stemming the tide of manufacturing and the sweated industries that has entirely changed the character of the lower Fifth Avenue. These merchants argue — and quite rightly — that the greatest shopping street in America will be but a memory unless the sweat- shop is removed from the retail district and established where it will be less damaging to property values. So much for what the merchant asks of the public— which doubtless will throw its sentiment heartily with the stores, because it is decidedly to the public’s inter- ests to do so. the casual passer-by on Fifth Avenue has a favor to ask of the reputable merchant in return, and that is the elimination of the catch-penny “specialty” shop into which the unwary shopper is lured by false values and robbed with a true bandit’s nonchalance. We believe that the woman of moderate means should be protected from the harpy who entices her into his shop by exhibiting a windowful of $5.00 waists when there isn’t one on display purchasable at under $15.00. She should also have a measure of protection against the fly-by-night milliner who sells at $50.00 as an “imported French model” a shoddy piece of head- gear that hasn’t cost $1.50 to produce. So, too, with the antiquarian displaying silver manufactured in Con- necticut within a twelvemonth— hall-marked “1776” and hawked at a fancy price to the unsuspecting. “Caveat emptor” has ceased to be a respectable tenet of trade. It is written along Fifth Avenue to-day in big letters. Let the really reputable stores — and there are scores of them — wipe it out at the same time they are banishing the sweat-shop. The buying public will be quick to show its gratitude. ean + ro

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10 Pree The Republican Candidates by Samuel Smiley The principal candidates for the Presi- dential nomination at the Republican Nat- ional Convention, not necessarily in the order of their precedence — I do not pretend to give their numbers, but Wilson has them all, I believe — are as follows: Tue CoLonet Contrary to popular belief, the Colonel is not of supernatural origin. He was not even precocious until he let go of Platt’s hand and tried to walk alone. Later in life he became a “practical man.” (References: The estate of E. H. Harriman and “the great Morgan interests that have been so friendly to us.’’) The Colonel is noted as a discoverer. He has discovered nearly everything except a way to get back into the White House. He is well known as a naturalist. He is the man who put the bull in Bull Moose and also in the China shop. As a statesman—well, I am _ giving biographical facts, not expressing opinions —but I will say this: He is all‘right as far as he can see — without his glasses. Mr. Justice HuGHes Mr. Justice Hughes is the antithesis of the Colonel, who is the “Big Noise,” you know. While the Colonel is a man of decision, Justice Hughes is a man of decisions. His views and opinions are well known. He is unalterably committed to upholding the Constitution of the United States. He is a firm believer in baptism by im- mersion. He is known to favor the enforcement of the Revised Statutes. 2 Justice Hughes, like the Colonel, is also celebrated as an author. His recent works are published under the title of “Reports of the Supreme Court of the United States.” The opinions of Justice Hughes on the issues of the campaign, so far as known at “Fools Rush In ——” He is a persistent orator, being a man of few words, which he uses over and over again. He is famous as a hunter and has a great collection of pelts, hides, horns, tusks and other trophies of the chase, including the political scalp lock of William Howard Taft. He is renowned as a warrior. His prin- cipal victories were under the generalship of Platt, Hanna and Quay; his principal defeat was as commander of the army of the Lord. The two greatest battles of Armageddon were fought by Saul and the Colonel, both against the Philistines. (Score: Philistines, 1; Saul, 0; second battle: Philis- tines, 1; The Colonel, 0.) He has had many thrilling adventures and many narrow escapes, but the only serious injuries he ever sustaixed were on the occasions when he was run over by a steam roller and by a Ford. He is the founder of two well-known clubs — the “Ananias” and the “Molly- coddles.” His own club is the “Big Stick.” He doesn’t chew or smoke, but is addicted to the coffee habit. this writing, are the same as those held by the statue of George Washington at the sub-Treasury and the marble lions in front of the New York Public Library. It has been said of Justice Hughes that he will neither bargain nor barter for the nomination. One might go further and say that he will neither bargain nor barter nor barber. He has done nothing to seek the nomi- nation and he has not been around where the nomination could seek him. His one utterance concerning his “can- didacy,” freely translated into German, has been, “Verboten.” (Translation made for the benefit of the New York Staats- Zeitung, which is supporting him.) Justice Hughes’s supporters believe he will accept if nominated. Perhaps he will — if the Notification Committee can find him. Euinu Root Mr. Root has been Secretary of War and Secretary of State and United States Senator. He is well and favorably known in Wall Street and is well known at Oyster Bay. Woodrow Wilson has said that the policy of the Republican party is “consult your grandmother about everything,” but for many years the Republican party has refused to take grandma’s advice unless it had Elihu Root’s “O. K.” Judged_by his latest speeches Mr. Root is for peace, but it is the same kind of peace that the Colonel is for. For pleasure riding he is fond of the auto; for business he prefers the steam roller. Although the oldest in years of the can- didates, it is thought he would not be opposed at the polls so much because of his age as on account of his previous condition of servitude. He is frequently referred to as “the greatest living Republican statesman,” but it has not made him vain because he has seen the others. His latest service to the party was in helping Mr. Taft carry Utah and Vermont. Tue Favorite Sons Theodore E. Burton — Well and favorably known in Ohio. REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION HIGH TARIFF Sneaking in one of the children John W. Weeks— Well and favorably known in Massachusetts. Albert B. Cummins — Well and favorably known in Iowa. Robt. M. La Follette — Well and favor- ably known in Wisconsin. Samuel W. McCall — Well and favorably known in Massachusetts. Lawrence Y. Sherman — Well and favor- ably known in Illinois. Charles W. Fairbanks — Well and favor- ably known in Indiana. The war has brilliantly demonstrated, says Talaat Bey, Turkish minister of the Interior, that the Turkish Empire is on a firm basis. The firm name, we might add, is Hohen- zollern and Son. Among the conveniences of the Republican Convention hall at Chicago will be “an emergency hospital equipped with medical . and surgical appliances, including an operating table.” Just the place for the Favorite Sons to go “under the knife” and have their hopes cut out.

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A plump cigar, myself when new, Bath fair and chaste to outward view. A roustabout who’s had some rye Detects me with a roving eye. LINN I} HT] | if | | But, gentle reader, hist! Inside Of me great evil doth abide. Rejoicing on his way he goes; I do my worst beneath his nose. i initiiill!” ATT iii I hit the sidewalk with a whack, And there I fume upon my back. Pritts tes (ill milly hotel ay i | f TL | Vai WH wi Wn GEN qn ft Hi I i The rest I hosltate to tell— I'm charged with homicidal smell. From a wood engraving by Jack Held held THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A CONVENTION CIGAR The Judicial Temperament (An incident of the H-gh-s Campaign) The scene was the inner office of the H-gh-s Headquarters. The candidate and his confidential campaign manager were closeted in secret session. “If you could only get down to the people’s level, Judge; to the level of the common man,” said the Campaign Manager. “You must learn to talk to the people in their own language.” The candidate sighed deeply. “Just what do you infer?” he asked. “Just this,” said his manager crisply. “You must forget for the time being the judicial temperament, forget all about the Supreme Court, forget Law. Take Teddy —damn him!—as a model. He gets down to the people. People don’t care what he says; he can say any old thing; it’s the way he says it that gets them. Here! Take this clipping and study it. It’s a Roosevelt campaign speech; see if you can’t do likewise.” Still sighing, the candidate took the clipping and, knitting his eyebrows, read. “Let me see,” he murmured. ‘“ ‘Hat in the ring—second cup of coffee — Arma- geddon — Lord — coward — soul-awakening —hit the line hard— weakling — poltroon— politico-racial-hyphens — bully, by George — selfish men—true Americanism — cop- perhead — mollycoddles — cravens — square deal — comrades — big stick — delighted.’ Gracious heavens! I can’t talk like that.” “Yes, you can, Judge. You’ve got to!” cried the manager, starting to slap him on the back, and realizing just in time the enormity of the offense. “Just forget the judicial temperament; forget the legal phrase- ology; in short, forget that you ever wrote a decision or a court opinion in your life. You get me, Judge?” “I think so. I’ll endeavor to conform,” said the candidate. And the next day but one, from the rear end of his campaign train, the candidate discarded the judicial temperament, and got down to the people as follows: “My friends, comrades, hearers, auditors, listeners, fellow citizens, ladies —as the case may be—and gentlemen. It gives me great pleasure, joy, satisfaction, delight Qs 2 pip “He says he can’t give us a room on account of the convention.” “What! Lioes that man dare to insinuate we aren’t married?” or other agreeable emotion, feeling or sen- sation to greet, accost or salute the voters of this hamlet, village, town or community. “In coming to you, the said voters of said hamlet, village, town or community, and asking you, the said voters, for your support or aid or toleration, I take occasion to say or affirm to you, the said voters, that my hat, cap, tile, bonnet, lid, kelly or other covering for the head is now in the ring or circle or circlet, as the case may be. “I wish further to say or affirm to the said voters of the said hamlet, village, town or community that) I feel bully, fine and otherwise physically fit, by George, or other name or appellation suited to the exigencies of the moment, and that if elected to the exalted office of President of the United States by the said voters of the said hamlet, village, town or community, I shall try, endeavor or otherwise attempt to hit, smite, assail, assault or otherwise strike the line with force, vim, vigor, power, precision or — Why, the train is moving! What is the matter?” The campaign manager took the Judge gently by the arm and led him to a camp- stool. “Nothing, nothing is the matter,” he said with admirable composure; “nothing of consequence, that is. It is merely that our schedule calls for but a ten-minute stop, halt or linger at this particular water- tank, dump or collection of sod huts, and we have to keep it, that’s all. It’s a lucky thing you broke away from the judicial temperament, Judge; otherwise you’d have had time only to wave your hat, cap, tile, bonnet, lid or kelly at ’em.”

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Gy-JSames Stuneer Old Books The silly season is almost upon us. No doubt our old friend will bob up again with his perennial query: and New ;, you were cast away on a coral reef, what books would you prefer? The five-foot shelf in the Archipelago! .Let me suggest a variation. What is the best reading when marooned in a sick chamber? The convalescent is a species of derelict humanity. He or she needs spiritual refreshment. There is always the Bible, there is always Shakespeare. But even these magnificent clas- sics may prove too heavy a burden for a brain weakened by pain. Dante and Goethe are for our high-pulsed hours. I felt Thomas a Kempis more consoling than Faust when I dawdled a few weeks ago about my prison cell at home. In vain I tried to re-read George Meredith, but found his brilliancy blinding. I took down Anthony Trollope and at once I was embarked on a gentle adventure, smoothly sailing over the fat, green meadow lands of Bonnie England, con- versing with innocuous curates, admiring a multitude of sweet girls, such as Lily Dale, and watching with wonder the autocratic doings of Mrs. Proudie, the immortal wife of Barchester’s henpecked bishop. What if Johnny Eames, or the Earl of Thingumabob, the Duke of Omnium, Mr. Crawley, Archdeacon Grantly, Griselda, his daughter, or the rest of the crowded canvas, are people who in life would bore us immeasurably. The chief point is that they are alive. Few latter- day novelists can lay claim to so varied a group of characters. I know that it was once the fashion to call Trollope a colorless, com- monplace writer. He has not the style of Meredith, nor is he ro- mantic like Thomas Hardy; his puppets are simple as to their psy- chology when compared to the complicated creatures of George Eliot. Nevertheless, he can interest us because he is sincere, clear, and despises buncombe. Not precisely for the august company of Dick- ens or Thackeray, Anthony Trollope still holds his own. I felt the old thrill in the famous Chapter Eighteen of “The Last Chronicle of Barset,” with its crushing retort of the curate Crawley to Mrs. Proudie. ‘Peace, woman!” achieves a climax nearly as effective as the great scene in “Vanity Fair” when Steyne tests the mettle of Rawdon Crawley. I re-read the entire Barchester series: The Warden, Barchester Towers, Doctor Thorne, Framley Parsonage, The Small House at Allington, and The Last Chronicle of Barset. There is no better gossip in English fiction, Jane Austen excepted. Zola Then I read the Life of the Duke of Newcastle by his Duchess, Margaret — beloved of Charles Lamb — all these books, Trollope as well, are now in the Everyman Library — and marvelled over her delightful. dulness and edifying constancy. Chacun a ses dégoiitts —as they don’t say is Paris. However, Margaret is a quaint soporific. Suddenly I switched to Zola and re-read the Rougon-Macquart series, twenty volumes long. I emerged morally unscathed (tough old lad), though with nerves somewhat shaken. What I did discover — for myself, be it understood — was a power of characterization of which I never dreamed Emile Zola the possessor. There is a surplusage of description; the books are so heavily weighted with bricks and mortar, sawdust and sewage, that it is a miracle they are able to float; but float they do, like an evil odor. (I couldn’t help recalling the criticism of Gabriele d’Annunzio’s early fiction by Henry James, as a vile smell of gas escaping somewhere on the Italian’s prem- ises.) The general impression of Zola is that of a night- mare. ‘“‘L’Assomoir” is the best of the series in its vitality and characterization. Yet in “Pot-Bouille,” a book stuffed with nastiness — nasty because untrue to human nature —there is the portrait of the Eternal Mother-in-Law, Madame Josserand, with her two precious daughters, Berthe and Hortense. A formidable female, indeed; and almost as real as a Trollope figure, though painted in more blazing pigments. After “La Débiacle” the modulation to “L’Attaque du Moulin” is easy, and when I had laid these books down I swore never to read another war story —and Zola’s art is never so filed out as in the shorter tale; but Elizabeth Dryden’s “Paris in Herrick Days’ came my way and I soon was immersed in her interesting narrative of present Paris. Otherwise the daily newspapers should suffice one’s craving for the ghastly. But you must not suppose Zola satisfied me. I re-read that masterpiece of masterpieces, “Anna Karenina,” and for old time’s sake plunged anew into “Great Expectations,” and realized the futility of certain critical pronouncements. Dickens dead? Dickens old-fashioned? Well, if he is, then so is Balzac. ‘Vanity Fair” was a draught of Hippocrene after the sour beverage brewed by Zola. Becky Sharp is as immortal as Anna Karenina and Emma Bovary. Then I had a surprise. Confident that I had read all Dostoievsky, I started with “A Raw Youth,” and discovered new territory. What this sombre, mystical and powerful fiction is named in Russian or French I can’t say; nor do I know whether it is an earlier work, but I suspect it is a later one because in it there are several traits and situations that recall ‘““The Idiot,” ‘““The Gam- bler,” and “Crime and the Punishment.” Some years ago I wrote in Puck that a poet in Contem- pring pa. : A great — ve kr ea taken porary place. t’s now the poetry that is the joke.) The poet to-day is omnipresent. The “New Poetry” is arrived. It was already old in Paris twenty-five years and more; I mean Vers libres. Vance Thompson precisely two decades ago, and in “Mlle. New York,” wrote free rhymes and rhythms, so it was a pleasure to receive a slender volume of his entitled ‘“‘Verses” and find therein old favorites. Thompson is essentially a sensitive and subtle poet, even though he does “drop into” “Drink and Be Sober”; “Eat and Grow Thin” — I put on twenty pounds by following its tantalizing menus; and “The Ego Book.” His latest prose is ““The Carnival of Destiny,” a chain of brilliant chapters developed from one theme like some stately fugue. In its pages there is romantic prose that would have pleased Flaubert; for instance, ““Make the Bed for Attila,”’ or the dramatic “Emperor’s Gift” — the latter the stuff from which may be woven exciting drama. I note that Don Marquis, of the “Evening Sun,” calls Benjamin de Casseres ‘“‘a genius.” Some of us before the witty critic knew this, for Ben is not the sort that hides his light under the bushel of mediocrity. He knows a good thing when he sees it, and “The Shadow Eater” is good, though his later work — not yet between covers — is bigger. Once upon a time the only Ben told me that I reminded him of a building on the roof of which a vaudeville performance was going on, while in the basement a symphony orchestra was playing. Notwithstanding the inevitable invocation of Asiatic cholera of the second simile, I enjoyed the description, which also fits De Casseres. He is a poet doubled by a vaudevillist; when he dampens his fiery verbal volcano he will produce something worth while. He is our original Futurist, and the most audacious, erratic (also erotic) Imagist of them all. But I do wish the young chaps would stop imitating the piffle and hogwash of Walt Camden. His unique personal accent they never capture. (Continued on page 21)

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ROOSEVELT IS ITS CHOICE! — With Hughes for Running Mate Republican Convention in heroic mood of resignation, and won't be happy till it gets him, says the Colonel. [hn Suge — 7 A negro delegate tried to excite the convention decided. To Putt.’” A bit of the gallery in turmoil. By Puck's Own Correspondent Cuicaco, June 7.— The National Re- publican convention opened its session this morning in a mood of heroic resignation, for the outcome, seemingly, is already in sight. It is freely predicted in certain quarters that the Chicago Coffee Party of 1916 — so named in honor of Col. Theodore Roosevelt’s heroic willingness to accept a third cup — will be written down in American history alongside of the Boston Tea Party. One Who Knows declares that the final roll call will give the Colonel 750 votes to 328 for Justice Hughes, and that the name of the Justice will then be placed upon the ticket as the convention’s first choice for second place. This word may be accepted as final, for it comes from no less a source than the Colonel himself. “T!—J!—I!— I!” roared the Colonel, ‘fam the convention’s choice!” The session, he continued, is to be one of the briefest and stormiest in the political annals of the country. The mood of the delegates throughout is to be thoroughly heroic and should often reach “bully heights of belligerency.” The presence of an army of women, here forthe double purpose of attending the convention and participating in a great suffrage parade, bids fair to fail to temper the warlike atmosphere. Un- able to find accommodation in the over- crowded hotels, more than a thousand women camped out last night (not without discomforts) in Grant Park by the lake front, and their tents added a last touch of warlike pictur- esqueness to a scene of palpitant militancy. Convention Notes. Professor William Howard Taft thought of attend- ing the convention as a reporter for the Yale Review, but changed his mind at ¢ last moment. “It would interfere with my research work,” he “I've just got hold of a new book on ‘How The weather man reported this as the warmest une 7 in forty years, and predicted higher temperature or tomorrow. by declaring that the Roosevelt faction had bribed him. When asked to produce the money, he replied: “Cain’t, boss — honest, ah done spent th’ evidence! The Convention in heroic mood. Broad-brimmed felt hats were as numerous as ever Men who wouldn't in them at conventions. dare to wear them at home glory

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14 Diplomas of Experience Business Man (to applicant for job) — Have you a college diploma? Appiicant — No, sir; but I have several mining stock certificates that might be offered in evidence that I have been through the school of experience. TO nc nee WILSON! BEAT AT THE LINCOLN PARK zoo, ANYTHING To PEAT WILSON! In Anatole France’s Comedy of the Man Who Married a Dumb Wife, there are dozens of arguments advanced to show how ad- vantageous it is for a judge to be deaf. To which it might be added, that if he is dumb as well, he has a chance of being nominated for President — by the Republican Party. [ANYTHING To BEAT WILSON!) a a ee ee a | AER jn THE PALMER HOUSE. AT THE Boss’ AETREAT. WHAT ARE THE WILD WAVES SAYING! ON THE LAKE FRONT. AT THE ANNEX, ANYTHING To BEAT WILSON’, Drawn by H. J. Westerman IN THE REPUBLICAN AIR AT CHICAGO Preparedness A group of women met together the other day to organize a militia encampment. There was much wrangling among them, as everyone wanted to be Colonel, Major, or Captain, at least. All but a little fat girl who sat in the corner saying nothing. When all the offices had been arranged for, some one said to her: “Well, Mabel, what will you be?” “I,” said Mabel, comfortably, “will be the Awkward Squad.” “Some reporters,” said James Keely, the Chicago publisher, “don’t pursue their stories far enough. I have in mind a re- porter who would have gotten back from Belshazzar’s Feast with the menu card all right, and missed the Handwriting on the Wall.” Forty thousand persons want to see the G. O. P. convention, and the impression is gaining ground that it will be a better show than the Battle of Verdun. ate Pe -—--. Bertie seems to have more ready money since he became a Futurist. Does that mean that he is making it pay? It means that he has applied the Futurist principle to his dealings with tradesmen. THE FAVORITE SON (A Ballade of Convention Week) Where, quoth poets, is last year’s snow? Where is Washington’s cherry tree? Where is the Raven of Edgar Poe? These are simple as a b c; Trivial queries, they seem to me, For I am deep in a difficult one, Seeking an answer, if such there be: Where is the Boom of the Favorite Son? Where are the winds that used to blow? Where is the change of pay-day’s V? Where is the land where the bong trees grow? These are simple as a b c; These are things for a tot of three. To shatter the nerves and the brain to stun, Tackle Chicago’s mystery: Where is the Boom of the Favorite Son? Where did Charley of Ross fame go? Dorothy Arnold — where is she? Mysteries? Yes; but baffling, no; These are simple as a b c; Yea; authorities all agree, Argument over and wrangling done, One, one only, is shy a key: Where is the Boom of the Favorite Son? Time and Space and Eternity — These are simple as a b c; This has all of ’em on the run: Where is the Boom of the Favorite Son? — A. H. F. Harsh Words The dentist told me I had a large cavity that needed filling. Did he recommend any special course of study? |

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WHAT MRS. FORTESCUE DID By H. C. Bunner Illustrated by R. Van Buren IGHT in the rear of the First Congre- gational Church of ’Quawket, and cornerwise across the street, the Old Ladies’ Home of Aquawket sits on the topmost of a series of velvety green terraces. It is a quiet street; the noisiest thing in it, or rather over it, is the bell in the church steeple, and that is as deep toned and mellow as all church bells ought to be and few church bells are. As to the Old Ladies’ Home, itself, it looks like the veritable abade of peace. A great wistaria clambers over its dull brown stucco walls. Beds of old-fashioned flowers nod and sway in: the chastened breezes on its two sunny sides, and thick clumps of lilacs and syringas shield it to the north and east. Dainty little dimity curtains flutter at the open windows all Summer long; and, whether it comes from the immaculately neat cham- bers of the old ladies, or from some of the old-fashioned flower beds, there is always, in warm weather, a faint smell of lavender floating down upon the breeze to the passer- by in the quiet street. You would never dream, to look at it, that the mad, inhuman, pitiless strife and fury of an Old Ladies’ Home raged ceaselessly, year after year, within those quiet walls. Now suppose that every wasp in a certain wasp’s nest had an individual theology of its own, totally different from the theology of any other wasp, and that each one per- sonally conducted his theology in the real earnest calvinistic spirit— you would call that wasp’s nest a pretty warm, lively, interesting domicile, would you not? Well, it would be a paradise of paralysis alongside of an Old Ladies’ Home. If you want to get at the original compound tincture of envy, malice and all uncharitableness, go to a nice, respectable Old Ladies’ Home with a list of “Lady Patronesses’ as long as your arm, and get the genuine article in its most highly concentrated form. There were eleven inmates of the Old Ladies’ Home of Aquawket besides the matron, the nurse, the cook, and a couple of “chore-girls.” These two last led a sort of life that came very near to qualifying them for admission to the institution on a basis of premature old age. Of the real old ladies in the home, every one of the eleven had a bitter and undying grievance against at least one, and, possibly, against ten of her companions, and the only thing that held the ten oldest of the band together was the burning scorn and hatred which they all felt for the youngest of the flock, Mrs. Williametta Fortescue, who signed what few letters she wrote ‘‘Willie,” and had been known to the world as “Billy” Fortescue when she sang in comic opera and wore pink tights. All the other old ladies said that Mrs. Fortescue was a daughter of Belial, a play actress, and no old lady, anyway. I know nothing about her ancestry — and I don’t believe that she did, either; but as to the other two counts in the indictment I am afraid I must plead guilty for Mrs. Fortescue. An actress she was, to the tips of her fingers, an unconscious, involuntary, dyed-in-the- wool actress. She acted because she could not help it, not from any wish to deceive or mislead, but just because it came as natural to her as breathing. If you asked her to take a piece of pie, it was not enough for her to want the pie, and to tell you so, and to take the pie; she had to act out the whole dramatic business of the situation —her passion for pie, her eager craving and anxious expectation, her incredulous delight when she actually got the pie, and her tender, brooding thankfulness and gratitude when she had got outside of the pie, and put it where it couldn’t be taken away from her. No; there wasn’t the least bit of humbug in it all. She did want the pie; but she wanted to act, too. “Boy; three dollars a week in an architect's office, spent two-fifty of them, two weeks running, for Hlowers for that young lady when she stayed her first engagement in New Haven.” Cal It was this characteristic of Mrs. Fortescue that got her into the Old Ladies’ Home on false pretenses; for, to tell the truth, Mrs. Fortescue was only an old lady by courtesy. She had beautiful white hair; but she had had beautiful white hair ever since she was twenty years old. Before she had reached that age she had had red hair, black hair, brown hair, golden hair, and hair of half-a-dozen intermediate shades. Either the hair or the hair dye finally got tired, and Mrs. Fortescue’s head became white — that is, when she gave it a chance to be its natural self. That, however, was not often; and, at last, there came a day when, as her manager coarsely expressed it, “she monkeyed with her. fur one time too many.” For ten years she had been the leading lady in a small travelling opera company, where tireless industry and a willingness to wait for salary were accepted as substitutes for extreme youth and com- manding talent. Ten years is a long time, especially when it is neither the first nor These are what are known as “‘stock-printing”’ g the second, and, possibly, not the third ten years of an actress’s professional career; and when Mrs. Fortescue asked for a con- tract for three years more, her manager told her that he was not in the business for his health, and that while he regarded her as one of the most elegant ladies he had ever met in his life, her face was not made of India rubber; and, furthermore, that the public was just about ready for the Spring styles in leading ladies. This did not hurt Mrs.. Fortescue’s feelings, for the leading juvenile had long been in the habit of calling her “Mommer, dear,” whenever they had to rehearse impassioned love scenes. But it did put her on her mettle, and she tried a new hair dye, just to show what she could do. The result was a case of lead poisoning, that laid her up in a dirty little second-class hotel, in a back street of "Quawket, for three months of suffering and helplessness. The company went its way and left her, and went to pieces in the end. The greater part of her poor savings went for the expenses of her sickness. At last, when the critical period was over, her doctor got some charitably- disposed ladies and gentlemen interested in her case; and, between them all, they ie iene ey q

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q 17 Mrs. Fortescue looked at him with admiration mingled with respect; then she looked puzzled. procured admission to the Old Ladies’ Home for a poor, white-haired, half-palsied wreck of a woman, who not only was decrepit before her time, but who acted decrepitude so successfully that nobody thought of asking her if she were less than eighty years old. I do not mean to say that Mrs. Fortescue wilfully deceived her benefactors: she was old —oldish, anyway —she was helpless, partially paralyzed, and her system was permeated with lead; but when she came to add to this the correct dramatic outfit of expression, she was so old, and so sick, and so utterly miserable and stricken and done for that the hearts of the managers of the Old Ladies’ Home were opened, and they took her in at half the usual en- trance fee; because, as the matron very thoughtfully remarked, she couldn’t possibly live six weeks, and it was just so much clear gain for the institution. By the end of six weeks, however, Mrs. Fortescue was just as well as she had ever been in her life, and was acting about twice as healthy as she felt. With her trim figure, her elastic step, and her beautiful white hair setting off her rosy cheeks—and Mrs. Fortescue knew how to have rosy cheeks whenever she wanted them — she certainly was an incongruous figure in an Old Ladies’ Home, and it was no wonder that her presence made the genuine old ladies genuinely mad. And every day of her stay they got madder and madder; for by the constitution of the Home, an inmate might, if dissatisfied with her surroundings, after a two-years’ stay withdraw from the institution, taking her entrance fee with her. And that was why Mrs. Fortescue staid on in the Old Ladies’ Home, snubbed, sneered at, totally indifferent to it all. And yet the time came when Mrs. For- tescue’s histrionic capacity won for her, if not a friend, at least an ally, out of the snarling sisterhood; and for a few brief months there was just one old woman out of the lot who was decently civil to her. * * rs « . * » . * This old woman was Mrs. Filley, and this was the manner of her modification. One picasant Spring day, a portly gentle- man of powerful frame, with ruddy checks and short, steel-gray hair—a man whose sturdy physique hardly suited with his absent-minded, unbusiness-like expression of countenance — ascended the terraces in front of the Old Ladies’ Home. His brows were knit; he looked upon the ground as he walked, and he did not in the least notice the eleven old ladies, the matron, the nurse, the cook and the two “chore-girls” who were watching his every step with profound interest. Mrs. Fortescue was watching the gentle- man with interest, because she thought that he was a singulariy fine-looking and well-preserved man, as indeed he was. All the other inmates of the Home were watching him with interest because he was Mr. Josiah Heatherington Filley, the mil- lionaire architect, civil engineer and con- tractor. Their interest, however, was not excited by Mr. .Filley’s fame as a designer of mighty bridges, of sky-scraping office buildings, and of other triumphs of mechanical skill; they looked on him with awe and rapture simply because he was the richest man in ’Quawket, or, more properly speaking, in ’Quawket Township; for Mr. Filley lived in the old manor-house of the Filley family, a couple of miles out of town. To Mrs. Filley of the Home the visit of Mr. Filley of the Manor House was as the visit of a stranger; and very much surprised, indeed, was she when the great man asked to see her. In spite of his absent-minded expression, Mr. Filley proved to be both direct and business-like. He explained his errand briefly and clearly. Mr. Filley was a bachelor, and the last of his branch of the family. His only sur- viving relative was a half-brother by his mother’s first marriage, who had lived a wandering and worthless life, and who had died in the West a widower, leaving one child, a girl of nine, in a Massachusetts boarding-school. This child he had be- queathed to the loving care and attention of his brother. It is perfectly wonderful how men of that particular sort, who never can get ten dollars ahead of the world, will pick up a tremendous responsibility of that kind, and throw it around just as if it were a half-pound dumb-bell. They don’t seem to mind it at all; it does not weigh upon their spirits; they will pass over a growing child to anybody who hap- pens to be handy, to be taken care of for life, just as easily as you would hand a towel over to the next man at the wash- basin, as soon as you are done with it. Mr. Filley’s half-brother may have died easily, and probably did, but he could not possibly have made such a simple job of it as he did of turning over Etta Adelina, his daughter, to the care of the half-brother whom he hardly knew well enough to borrow money from oftener than once a year. Now, Mr. Josiah Filley had promised his mother on her death-bed that he would assume a certain sort of responsibility for the consequences of the perfectly legitimate but highly injudicious matrimonial excursion of her early youth, and so he accepted the guardianship of Etta Adelina. But he was not, as the worldly phrase it, “too easy. He was a profound scientifi¢ student, and a man whose mind was wrapt up in his ” profession, but he did not propose to make a parade-ground of himself for everybody who might feel inclined to walk over him. He had no intention of taking the care of a nine-year old infant upon himself, and the happy idea had come to him of hunting up che last feminine bearer of his name in the "Quawket Old Ladics’ Home, and hiring her for a liberal cash payment to represent him as a quarterly visitor to the school where the young one was confined. “IT don’t suppose,” he said, “there is any actual relationship between us — ” (Continued on page 23)

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THE FREEDOM OF THE PRESS True Preparedness A folding baby carriage in good condition. Cheap if taken at once. Also a double barreled 16 gauge shot gun. Inquire down- stairs, 520 Hancock-st. —Sandusky (Ohio) Register. He Looked Pleasant Himself Mr. Ralph Slane, the photographer who had the studio over the Happy leased. has left town. Mr. Slane seemed to be a very pleasant and agreeable fellow, and in fact was too pleasant and agreeable. That was his downfall. Like so many people his friends were his hindrance. —The Rich Hill (Mo.) Enterprise. It May Be All Right Josh Stitzenhazer and Helen Blazes were locked in the blessed embrace of love. at the home of Si Abner. —The Seneca (Mo.) News Dispatch. Awaiting Offers Tony Dolce is the proud possessor of a brand new kitchen cabinet, and it’s a dandy, too. Surely the next thing in order will be a wife. —The Lusk (Wyo.) Herald. So Saying, He Did As the news has not been wrote from Draughon for some time, I will write. —The Kingsland (Ark.) Leader. But Why? Mrs. Odella Upton, wife of Rev. J. J. Upton, pastor of the Otway Methodist Church, rendered noble service in assisting families to remove their effects. Starting in at the lower end of the village she hurried from house to house, sometimes with almost superhuman strength, jerking pianos and other heavy articles out of the homes while the excited owners helplessly looked on. —The Portsmouth (O.) Times. Where He Came From Mr. Harris, who has been with the Stew- art barber shop for several weeks, has resigned his position. He has several patents pending and he is giving up his work here so he can give more attention to them. He is a cigar maker by trade but he never indulges in smoking. -He is also a graduate from an osteopath college. Mr. Harris is a very fine appearing young man and many regrets are expressed that he is leaving Effingham. —The Effingham (Kan.) New Era. How Many Stones Lester Stone left Saturday for Seattle, where they will visit kinsmen. He bought the tickets from a party that backed out and they consider it a good bargain, such as he always makes. —The Porter (0.) Sentinel. Their Conception of Art Vernie Van Noy is a regular attendant at singing, and while he doesn’t know anything about vocal music, or even enjoy it, he amuses himself by drawing pen sketches of the singers, and does it well. Of course if a fellow doesn’t do much he should do it well.— The Van Buren County (Ark.) Democrat. Did They Expect More? Mrs. Asselin carried $2,000 life insurance, the house was insured for $800 and the contents for $500. An accident policy on the life of little Marie amounts to $60. Mr. Asselin and his sorrowing family have the sympathy of the entire community. —Cheboygan (Mich.) Daily Tribune. Puck will be glad to have the assistance of readers in the collection of items for this page. If you come across a clipping which is a worthy example of the freedom of the press, send it in to K. S., care of Puck. A Romance One night last week, with a cow they had gone in search of, tied to a telegraph pole outside, a couple of our popular young men were spending the evening with a lady friend, while the anxious parent of one of them, with the aid of a lantern, was scouring the country looking for the lost bovine and youthful swain. —The Valparaiso (Ind.) Vidette. Getting More than You Expect For Sale—A Guernsey cow, gives a good quality of milk, also hay, rope, pulleys and small refrigerator. —The Monmouth (Ill.) Review. The Mystery Deepened At the Rector store a brick was thrown through the glass in a door and the thief unlocked the door through the opening made. Mr. Rector missed nothing to-day except about two pounds of candy. At first it was thought that boys were the guilty parties, but on the glass door at the Rector store the finger prints indicated a large hand. —Bluffton (Ind.) Banner. New Diversion There was a candy-biting at Lee Browns’ Saturday night and quite a large crowd attended. —The Stone County (Ark.) Record. We Learn a Word Mr. Emory Smith is very dauncy at this writing. Cheer up, old fellow, after rain comes sunshine. —The Berkeley Springs (W. Va.) Post. Active The Woman’s club has had so many ice cream suppers and box parties here until they have iced up and boxed everything clean out. —Washington (N. C.) Progress. ADVENTURES ON THE CLOTHES-LINE

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ee: “4% = Grea 19 Little Girl — “Say, Mister, will you please do a drill for Billie an’ me?” The Party Platform One of the interesting and absorbing features of every national political con- vention is the framing of the party platform. The identity of the man who conceived the idea of a party platform has long since been forgotten, but the custom is one that has come down through the ages. There has never been any real necessity for a party platform, because, regardless of the platform, the successful party does just about as it pleases, anyway. There are important planks in every platform, but these planks are removed when occasion requires. Platforms are a great convenience for many of the convention statesmen, who wouldn’t have anything to do if there were no platforms to build. These convention statesmen haven’t very much to do, anyway, otherwise they wouldn’t be killing time at a convention. They would be back home, and at work. The all-important thing about a party platform is this: It takes time to frame it. If the convention were to do nothing but nominate the candidates, the business could be adjusted in a day or two and the crowd could start back home. So the platform deliberations are really necessary as a stimulant to the home merchants and hotel keepers of the Convention City. Usually the party platform is a rhetorical la-la-pa-looza, in which the party either “points with pride” or “views with alarm.” If the platform represents the party in power, it points with pride. If it is the platform of the party not in power, then it views with alarm. The party platforms, after their final adoption, are heralded broadcast throughout the country by the press associations; and the newspapers, in turn, print them in full, sometimes with decorative borders. Only the editors read the printed platforms. An ancient custom requires them to comment editorially upon the party platforms, so there is no way out of it. The Congressional Record does not print party platforms. Thus proving that the Congressional Record could be a whole lot worse than it is. A ua soe a ee) DEITIES : "Tigh foe yee ore 25° in cs faker sof hoe Unghssst Grady Turtush ad Segptan Cgeeatio’ wo he Wik f = LANA WEAN ARS seen _——— ia . at Swampscott. Mass. suf yy We ) Ghe New Ocean House \\iiil f 36.0000 ‘a a ] | ) IGHT on the ocean, fourteen miles from Boston on (| the historic “North Shore.” (Bathing, boating, tennis, motoring, dancing and golf nearby; an unsur passed cuisine. (During the last year the New Ocean House has been enlarged and improved and 450 guests can now be accommodated. (Telephone in every room. Garage on hotel ground; efficient, courteous service. A summer hotel de luxe. (Rates $5 a day and up. E. R. GRABOW & COMPANY Owners and Managers ) 131 State Street :: :: Boston, Mass. \ | | Write for new illustrated booklet which tells all about the New Ocean House | wT — | Tl Are You Going Away This Summer? It is not always easy to get PUCK at the news-stands after you leave the beaten tracks of travel. Why not have your copy reach you regularly every Monday morning by mail? A dollar bill, pinned to your card, will bring the cleverest satirical weekly in America to your Summer address for the ensuing thirteen weeks— just long enough to tide you over until September. PUCK PUBLISHING CORPORATION, 210 Fifth Avenue, New York

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YOU'LL find this box wherever men's furnishings are sold. If you have not worn the “Boston,” buy a pair today and learn the reason for the universal and continuous demand every- where — a demand that keeps all dealers selling it all the time. Boston oe Garter us: hem Vlei Pt GEORGE FROST COMPANY, MAKERS, BOSTON Pottens like a glove. Remai: button holes whether fast pe or unfastened. No more ulling buttoned cuffs over hands. et this new perfected cuff button at haberdashers and jewelers. Drawn by R. O. Evans TWO SOULS WITH BUT A SINGLE THOUGHT “Wilson — that’s all!” Rates for Convention Workers Torchlight paraders (per night) $2.00 Hissers (per demonstration) 35 Three-minute applauders (per demonstration) 35 Seven-minute applauders (per demonstration) .60 Twelve-minute applauders (per demonstration) 1.00 Fifteen-minute-and-over ap- plauders (per demonstration) 1.50 Rumor spreaders (untrained, per day) 10.00 Rumor spreaders, trained (per day) 25.00 Cigar distributors (per day) 3.00 Drink buyers (per day) 7.50 General enthusiasts may be had at various prices, depending on popularity of candi- dates. Hughes and Roosevelt enthusiasts may be had at 75 cents each. LaFollette and Root enthusiasts cost $1.20. Lodge, Cummings and Ford enthusiasts cost $1.45. Sherman, Borah and DuPont enthusiasts bring $1.70. Fairbanks and Weeks enthu- siasts, being most difficult to obtain, can only be had at a cost of $3.00 per day, and cheap at the price. These general enthusiasts have no knowledge of candidates or politics, and can only be depended on to act enthusiastic when a _ candidate’s name is mentioned. How it Happened Mrs. Fuiat_eicH — John; the janitor dis- covered this morning why we had no heat last winter. Mr. FiatiteicuH — Indeed? Mrs. F.iat.teich — Yes, he wanted to burn some papers this morning and dis- covered that there is no furnace in the building. Authentic Information BENEVOLENT O_> GENTLEMAN — Are you in pain, my little man? Sap LittLe Boy — No, sir; the pain’s in me. Secretive “Can you keep a secret?” “I am silent as the tomb.” “I need to borrow some money.” “Don’t worry, old man. It is as though I never heard it.” ' Mi } Lo Islari and Real Life Enjoy the best Ne relaxations sum- mer affords. ed by a never failing ocean breeze. Boating Bathing Golfing Tennis all within easy

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The Seven Arts (Continued from page 12) Variety Especially for the delectation of music critics is a tiny book: “The Artist: A Drama without Words,” by H. L. Mencken, richly satirical in humor. It is a parody on the musical temperament, which should be read by all musical and unmusical people; especially the snobs. Gustav Kobbé has, in “Modern Women,” set forth some phases of the contemporary lady who is living on her nerves and inci- dentally getting on the nerves of her in- dulgent husband. Without bitterness the author, a well-known critic, swiftly portrays “the overwrought feminism” of the day and in consequence has brought about his head a swarm of hornets. It’s rather dangerous to tell the truth about women, particularly when your only audience is woman herself. Mr. Kobbé is a man of courage. In “Clipped Wings” Rupert Hughes explores the his- trionic temperament entertainingly. His stageland is nearer the normal than most books about actors. After reading ‘“Chil- dren of Hope” I have high expectations for the literary future of Stephen Whitman. It is his third “important” novel, and a larger canvas than the others. The Ohio “folks,” a father and three daughters, who go to Florence, are genuine characters. The book is too diffuse, but the main business of the novelist, characterization, is never lost sight of. Mr. Whitman has a delicate vein of ironic humor and he has read Flaubert with profit. It was a capital idea of Mitchell Kennerly to print privately “The Country of the Blind,” by H. G. Wells, an exquisite alle- gory and a timely. The latest offering of the Drama League series of plays is “The Mothers,” by Georg Hirschfeld, translated by Professor Ludwig Lewisohn. The play is both good literature and sound drama. Stranger —“ Won't you be glad to be a regular sportsman like either of us some day?” Boy—* Naw, I’d ruther ketch a few fish.” The thinking man is a moderate man. He cannot be otherwise because he knows that excess leads but to disaster. And so he is careful not to misuse the good things of life. He generally orders a wonderfully mild and mellow Whiskey — Wilson — Real Wilson — That’s All! The Whiskey for which we invented the Non-Refillable Bottle FREE CLUB RECIPES—Free booklet of famous club recipes for mixed drinks. Address Wilson, | East 31st St.,N..Y. That's All! The Leading A CONFIDENTIAL New York R Fa GUIDE oO TUE | Successes {4 f- J THEATRES are Advertised Weekly in These Columns has wie After the Play Visit Atop New Amsterdam ZIEGFELD ong MIDNIGHT MEETING PLACE OF THE WORLD FROLIC 48th ST. THEATRE $"35:% Evenings 8.15 Matinee Thursdays & Saturdays 2.15 Messrs. Shubert Present By EUGENE WALTER West 42nd St. Evgs. at 8.20 REPUBLIC Matinees Wed. & Sat., 2.20 A. H. Woods presents COMMON CLAY 8, With JANE COWL and All Star Cast , °S THEATRE. B' . 43d St, -= COHAN S Evge. 8.25 Mats. Wei & Sat. 2.30 HENRY W. SAVAGE OFFERS MITZI HAJOS In POM-POM HIPPODROME Management CHARLES DILLINGHAM WORLD’S GREATEST SHOW LOWEST PRICE MAT. | HIP HIP HOORAY | =V'Ss. DAILY 8.15 2.15 SOUSA | SENSATIONAL 25c. to| & BAND ICE BALLET 25c. to $1.00 1,000 People—i100 Wonders $1.50 Staged by R. H. Burnside Sunday Nights, Sousa and His Band SHUBERT ATTRACTIONS IN NEW YORK WINTER GARDEN 9 yt ee 44th St. The Blue Paradise ¥'" LYRIC Katinka CASINO Very Good Eddie SHUBERT Lew Fields MAXINE ELLIOTT’S Marie Tempest GATETY Sistincs Wed and Sat 220 MRS. FISKE IN THE NEW AMERICAN COMEDY ERSTWHILE SUSAN ASTO BROADWAY & 45th STREET Evenings 8.10 Matinees Wednesday and Saturday at 2.10 Cohan and Harris present The Cohan Revue 1916 LONGACRE, THEATRE West sth St. Evenings at 8.30 Matinees Wednesday and Saturday 2.30 COHAN AND HARRIS PRESENT LEO DITRICHSTEIN IN HIS COMEDY SUCCESS THE GREAT LOVER HUDSON THEATRE Maticces Wed The Successor to ‘‘Peg O’ My Heart”’ THE CINDERELLA MAN EDWARD CHILDS CARPENTER'S NEW ROMANTIC COMEDY WITH A NOTABLE CAST Continuous Show from Noon 15—25—50c. COUNTLESS SPECTACULAR FEATURES “The Temple of the Motion Picture” Largest, Best Orchestra and Organ in any Theatre in the fork BROADWAY & 42D STREET Direction of S. L. ROTHAPFEL CANDLER We 4224 St. Near Broadway Evenings at 8.15 Matinees Wednesday and Saturday at 2.15 JUSTIGE yc" With John Barrymore and O. P. Heggie

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Drawn by Ray Robin “See here, my man: I’m a friend of the owner of this moving-picture company, and I want to go behind the scenes.” “All right — go behind them mountains.” Conventionterias Chicago has invented the shaveteria, where one may go and amputate his own whiskers for ten cents. Enterprising persons should be able to make large amounts of money by going this invention one better and erecting the following “‘-terias’’ during convention week: Rumorteria — A room to which unim- portant and unimaginative delegates can go and, for 25 cents, purchase from a successful writer of fiction one substantial and original rumor guaranteed to attract the attention and hold the interest of all persons to whom it is told. If told to a reporter, the rumor can be depended on to get the teller’s name in the paper. RoosEvELTERIA— A_ small room con- taining several phonographs, to which anti- Roosevelt men can go for mental relief when they run out of anti-Roosevelt argu- ments and wish to freshen up their stock of invective. On dropping a nickel in the slot, the phonograph will call Roosevelt a number of new, passionate and gratifying names, and will present several violent and hitherto unused arguments against him. A great safety-valve for apoplectic anti-Rooseveltians. LetrerteRIA—A_ slot machine from which, by depositing a dime, one may obtain a chatty, personal, neatly typewritten letter to one’s wife, together with a blank and unstamped envelope. The letters may be of two sorts —the just-arrived letter, and the yesterday-was-a-busy-day letter. They would be couched in general terms and would arouse no suspicion in the minds of recipients. The yesterday-was-a-busy- The Old Hen — They needn’t be so con- ceited. I can remember when they were only a couple of eggs. day letter, for example, would read: ‘Dear Wife:— The weather is very warm; and I have had to buy some more collars. My fingers are so moist that I cannot grasp my pen firmly, so I am dictating this letter to the stenographer at political headquarters. I talked with Senator Lodge yesterday. He is looking poorly, and says that he longs to get down to Nahant for the summer. Yesterday was a busy day, and the hard work made me so nervous that I didn’t sleep well last night. I shall be glad to get back to my own quiet little home. Love to all, from your loving husband, i TROUSERPRESSINGTERIA — A commodious shop containing ten stalls, in each of which is a fool-proof trouser-pressing machine. The patron removes his trousers, places them in the machine, locks it, sits down and reads a newspaper for five minutes, drops ten cents in the machine and receives his trousers back carefully pressed. After putting them on, he stands in front of an electric fan for five minutes more to allow the crease to become fixed, and then goes back to the bar-room around the corner from the convention-hall. PRESSAGENTERIA—A hall containing a number of booths, in each of which is an accomplished and experienced press agent. For the sum of two dollars a press agent will supply to each patron three short, snappily written character-paragraphs of a humorous nature, bearing on a real or imag- inary experience of the patron. At least one of these paragraphs, if delivered to a reporter in the proper manner, will be certain to get a place in any newspaper’s “Sidelights of the Convention” column. EnTHUSIASTERIA — Headquarters for en- thusiasm of any and all sorts. By going to these headquarters and paying the regular rates, any candidate, boss, or favorite son may obtain any number of leather-lunged cheerers, hard-handed applauders, or inde- fatigable torch-light paraders. They will cheer, applaud or parade for anyone at a moment’s notice, and can be depended on to make more noise than five times as many untrained men. “He'll take care of himself’, remarked John D. Rockefeller of his grandson, as he gave the boy a nickel in exchange for a kiss. Is the necessity for it so obvious, then? ‘ ie Do Business by Mail It's profitable, with lists of pros- pects. talog ins vital inf ee an SS See 7 an quantity on 6,000 nati mailing li 9% teed. Such as: War Material Mfrs. Wealthy Men Cheese Box Mfrs. Axle Grease Mfrs. Shoe Retailers Auto Owners Contractors Tin Can Mfrs. ists Farmers, Etc. Write for this valuable reference book; also prices and samples of fac-s:mile letters. Have us write or revise your Sales Letters, Ross-Gould, 806-E Olive St. Ross-Gould Mailing RestS St.Louis Four handsome red cloth bound volumes, containing 35 of the famous sailor-author’s best stories may now be yours. Morgan Robertson died last year but his works will not die. These four books are crammed from cover to cover with absorbing tales—salt sea tales better than Kipling’s; pirate stories that rival Treasure Island; fascinating tales of hypnotism; amazing studies of personality; stories of men and women in curious situations; stories that lift you out of yourself; stories that will bring you hours upon hours of keenest enjoyment; marvellous, gripping, genius-inspired stories. Just the right books for your vacation reading. **No lover of real stories can afford to miss read- ing Morgan Robertson’s works.’’ Harding Davis. **His stories are bully, his sea foamy and his men have hair on their chests.’’—Booth Tarkington. HOW YOU CAN GET MORGAN ROBERTSON’S FOUR BOOKS FREE! We will send you the handsome set of Morgan Robertson's Best Works in four volumes, FREE. We will pay for them. We will pay the cost of getting them to you. We will pay a royalty to Mrs. Morgan Robertson—(the only income she has is the royalties from the sales of these books)—if you will pay for a subscription to Metropolitan and McClure’s, two magazines you should be reading. You pay less than what the magazines would cost you if bought at the news- stands. Send only ten cents NOW with the coupon below. if you prefer to pay all at once send only $3.25 with your order. M trop Ite. Mw ai 6-10-16 432 Fourth Avenue, New York Enter my subscri for M itan 18 . and McClure’s 18 see ae ars Be ae you. 5 / month for f ths to pay for cy subeertp . > are mine terms of payment to 6 mos if you prefer beas- 5 ( tiful fall leather bi $ WRITE NAME AND ADDRESS IN MARGIN BELOW

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What Mrs. Fortescue Did (Continued from Page 17) “There air’t none,” interrupted Mrs. Filley; “leastwise there ain’t been none since your father got money enough to send you to college.” Mr. Filley smiled indulgently. “Well,” he suggested, “suppose we re- establish relationship as cousins. All you have to do for some years to come is to visit the Tophill Institute once in three months, satisfy yourself that the childis properly taken care of and educated, and kindly treated, and to make a full and complete report to me in writing. If anything is wrong, let me know. I shall examine your reports carefully. Whether it is favorable or un- favorable, if I am satisfied that it is correct and faithful, I will send you my check for fifty dollars. Is it a bargain?” It was a bargain, but poor old Mrs. Filley stipulated for a payment in cash instead of by check. As to Mr. Josiah Filley, he was not wholly satisfied with the representative of his family, so far as grammar and manners were concerned; but he saw with his scholar’s eye, that looked so absent-minded and took in so much, that the old lady was both shrewd and kindly-natured, and he felt sure that Etta Adelina would be safe in her hands. Nine of Mrs. Filley’s aged comrades, and all the members of the household staff, consumed their souls in bitterness, wondering what the millionaire had wanted of his humble kinswoman; and three times in the course of one year they saw that excellent woman put on her Sunday black silk and take her silent way to the railroad station. On the day following they saw her return, but where she had been or why she had been there they knew not. By the rules of the Home she had a right to eight days of absence annually. She told the matron that she was going to\see her “folks.” The matron knew well that she had not a folk in the world, but she had to take the old lady’s word. But did not those dear old ladies ask the ticket-agent at the station what station Mrs. Filley took tickets for? Indeed they did, bless them! And the ticket-agent told them that Mrs. Filley had bought a thousand-mile ticket, and that they woul have to hunt up the conductors who took up her coupons on the next division of the road, if they wanted to find out. And yet Mrs. Filley’s happiness was incomplete, for it was necessary to let one person into her secret. She put it on her spectacles, which had not been of the right kind for a number of years, owing to the inferiority of modern glass ware, but defective education was what brought Mrs. Filley to making a confidante of Mrs. Fortescue. No spectacles that ever were made would have enabled Mrs. Filley to spell, and when she began her first report thus: “i sene the gerl She had or to hav cod- livor roil —” even she, herself, felt that it was hardly the report for Mr. Filley. Here is the way that Mrs. Fortescue started off that report in her fine Italian hand: (Continued on page 24) afiadis CIGARETTES Purveyed to the Household of the Khedive, Cairo, Egypt ( Those Americans who have smoked our Vafiadis (Vah-fee-ah-dis) Cigarettes abroad*may now obtain them in the Uniled States ~ because to Liggett & Myers Tobacco Company, who import them.we have also iven thé sole right to manufacture them from our Cairo formula. rf . > CTheodoro Vafiadis & Co. CALCUTTA-BOMBAY-LONDON- RANGOON ‘CAIRO of 10, 25¢. Tins _of 100, #2 ported 25 Tins of Py yo To be ar vate < ° 3 iY 4 Ca, (ali Packa

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What Mrs. Fortescue Did (Continued from page 23) “It gives me the greatest pleasure, my dear Mr. Filley, to inform you that, pursuant to your instructions, I journeyed yesterday to the charming, and I am sure salubrious shades of Tophill, to look after the welfare of your interesting and precocious little ward. Save for the slight pallor which might suggest the addition of some simple tonic stimulant, such as codliver oil, to the generous fare of the Tophill Academy, I found your little Etta Adelina in every respect — ” Mrs. Filley’s name was signed to that report in the same fine Italian hand; and it surprised Mr. Filley very much when he saw it. But there was more surprise ahead for Mr. Filley. - . + - * * + * * As a business man Mr. Filley read the paper, but not the local papers of ’Quawket, for it was seldom that the papers were local there long enough to get anybody into the habit of reading them. Thus it came about that he failed to see the notice of the death of old Mrs. Filley, which occurred in the Old Ladies’ Home something less than a twelve-month after the date of his first and only visit. The death occurred, how- ever, but the reports kept on coming in the same fine Italian hand, and with the same generous freedom in language of the most expansive sort. No man could have got more report for fifty dollars than Mr. Filley got, and the report did not begin to be the most of what he was getting. * « * * » + . * * Sometimes clergymen but slightly ac- quainted with the theatrical business are surprised) when traveling through small towns to see lithographs and posters dis- playing the features of great stars of the theatrical and operatic world, who are billed to appear in some local opera house about two sizes larger than a cigar-box. The portraits are familiar, the names under them are not. This explanation of an interesting custom is made to forestall the reader’s surprise at learning that two years and a half after her retirement from the stage, and ten years, at least, after the retirement of such of her youthful charms as might have justified the exhibition, the portrait of Mrs. Fortescue, arrayed in silk tights, of a most constricted pattern — not constrained at all, simply constricted — decorated scores of fences in what theatrical people call the “’Quawket Circuit,” which circuit includes the charming and presumably salubrious shades of Top- hill. There was no mistaking Mrs. For- tescue’s face; Mrs. Fortescue’s attire might have given rise to almost any sort of mistake. The name under the picture was not that of Mrs. Fortescue; it was that of a much advertised young person whose “dramatic specialty” was entitled “Too Much for London; or, Oh, My! Did you Ever!” 7 . > * > * * : a Now it is necessary to disinter old Mrs. Filley for a moment, and to smirch her character a little by way of introducing some excuse for what Mrs. Fortescue did. (Continued on page 25) Are » a ee ee “my i Loafing on the Beach with Vanity Fair Do you love the world out doors? love dancing? The seashore? Golf? Sailing? Tennis ? Motoring? Farms? Fowls? Folly? Youa Bathing — esprit, entrain ! as a_ block nowhere near as heavy! But more than that, it is a magazine that pictures (every month of the year) all that is going on in the very heart of New York life—its art, its fashions, its cabarets, If you want to keep up with life in New York, let Vanity Fair be your chaperon, your cicerone, the little bird that whispers in your ear the marvellous secrets of the theatres, music-halls, studios, sculpture galleries. maddest metropolis in the world. A Six-Months’ Personally Conducted Tour of New York for $1 You think nothing, in your poor de- luded way, of spending $2 for a single theatre ticket, or three faded garden- jas, when, for only $1, you_can secure six issues of Vanity Fair. If you want to blossom out into ar r sophisticated New er; if you want to Vanity Fair is a great out door magazine. It goes with a syncopated swimming suit and a sun umbrella like peach ice-cream with a sub-deb dance. awfly sporting summer garden occasion, y know, more than Al Jolson’s smile lights up the Winter Garden. It gives a party eclat, elan, It's as good of Bethlehem Steel — and Do you It lights up an i Are You a Mannish Girl ? We Promise You, Solemnly That we are not going to print any pretty girls’ heads on its covers. We are go- ing to spare you the agony of sex discussions. We shall publish no dreary serial stories. No diaries of travel. No hack articles on preparedness. No gloom. No problem Stories. No articles on tariff or irri- gation, or railroad rates, or pure food, or any other statistical subject whatever. Conde Nast, Publisher Frank Crowninshield, Editor Twenty-five Cents a Copy Three Dollars a Year

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What Mrs. Fortescue Did (Continued from page 24) By the time Mrs. Fortescue had cooked her third report, she had found out that the old lady had not quite kept faith with her employer. At the Tophill Institute she had represented herself as Mr. Filley’s mother, gaining thereby much consideration and many cups of tea. So that when she died, with the rest of her secret hidden from all but Mrs. Fortescue, the latter lady, having fully made up her mind to appropriate the job, felt that it behooved her to go her predecessor one better, and when she made her appearance at Tophill it was in the character of Mr. Filley’s newly married wife. She told the sympathetic all about it, how Mr. Filley and she had known each other from childhogd, how he had always loved her, how she had wedded another to please her family, how the other had died and Mr. Filley had renewed his addresses, how she had staved him off (I am not quoting her language) until his dear old mother had died, and left him so | helpless and lonely that she really had to take pity on him. Mrs. Filley No. 2 got all the consideration she wanted, and the principal sent out for champagne for her, under the impression that that was the daily and hourly drink in all millionaire families. He never found out otherwise from Mrs. Filley, either. Probably Mrs. Fortescue-Filley had calcu- lated on keeping up her pretty career of imposture until her time of probation at the Home was up, and she could withdraw her entrance fee and vanish at once from ’Quawket and Tophill. But the appearance of those unholy portraits came without warning, and did their work thoroughly. Mrs. Fortescue saw the posters on her way to Tophill, but she dauntlessly presented herself at the portal. She got no further. The principal interposed himself between her and his shades of innocents, and he addressed that creature of false pretenses in scathing language—or it might have seathed if the good man had not been so angry that he talked falsetto. It did not look as if there were much in the situation for Mrs. Fortescue, but it would be a strange situation out of which the old lady could not extract just the least little bit of acting. She drew herself up in majestic indignation, hurled the calumnies back at the astonished principal, and with a magnificent threat to bring Mr. Filley right to the spot to utterly overwhelm and confute him, she swept away, leaving the Institute looking two sizes smaller, and its principal looking no particular size at all. . + 7 . * * - > * She went straight off to the old Filley Manor House at the extreme end of ’Quawket township; she bearded the millionaire builder in his great, cool, darkened office, among his mighty plans and elevations and mys- terious models, and she told that great man the whole story of her imposture with such a torrent of comic force, with such marvelous mimicry of the plain-spoken Mrs. Filley and the prim principal, and with (Continued on page 26) Exquisite in form and od cupying no more an upright And Caruso, says Its Gone is wonderful! °650 HARDMAN, PECK €co. 433 Fifth Ave. New York City Brooklyn Store:524 Fulton St Easy terms of payment FOUNDED 1842 B. Altman & Cu. Correct Styles in Men’s Straw Hats are a special feature of the Summer display in the Men’s Wear Department. Included are all the newest and most desirable models in split straws, sennits, Milans, Leghorns and Bangkoks, in stock at $3.00, $4.00, $5.00 and upward to $12.00. Also MEN’S PANAMA HATS at $5.00, $8.00, 310.00 and upward to $95.00 (Men’s Wear Department, First Floor) Fitth Avenue-Madison Avenue 341h and 35th Streets New York a A . =. bak igf vER F it i F WANTED— AN IDEA! we « can ane of some oon brine ® to patent LP i our they — | ‘ing you wealth. rite for “* Needed 1 inventions, and Your Money. Dept. 165, Washington, D $-Old Coins Wanted-$ ho to $500 “ee B pate for bundreds of U. S. and F. ins. Keep ALL y dated before s6 and send cents at once for our > ew Illustrated Coin Value Book, size 4x7, showing Guaranteed Get toy € as it may mean your Fortune. CLARKE co., Bex 47, LeRoy, N.Y. ea YOU A BUNNER “FAN”? receipt of $1.00 for a Three Monte rial subscription we will enter your subscription for 13 weeks and send you all on numbers con- taining the Bunner Stories.

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What Mrs. Fortescue Did (Continued from page 25) so humorous an intsoduction of the cham- pagne episode that her victim lay back in his leather arm-chair and roared out mighty peals of laughter. “T don’t see how we can arrange a retro- activé, Ma’am; I’m a little too old for that sort of thing, I’m afraid. But I’ll tell you what I can do. I’ll send my agent at once to take the child out of school, and I’ll see that my man doesn’t give him any satis- faction or a chance for explanation. “Why, damn it!” concluded the hearty Mr. Filley; “if I ever see the little prig I'll tell him I think it is a monstrous and great condescension on your part to let yourself be known as the wife of a plain old fellow like me. Why doesn’t a man know a handsome woman when he sees her?” “Then I am forgiven for all my wicked- ness?” said Mrs. Fortescue — but, oh! how she said it! “Forgiveness?” repeated Mr. Filley, thoughtfully. “Yes; I think so.” Then he rose, crossed the room to a large safe, in which he opened a small drawer. From this he took a small package of papers which he placed in Mrs. Fortescue’s hands. She recognized her own reports, and also a curious scrawl on a crumpled and dis- colored piece of paper, which also she prompt- ly recognized. It was a “screw” that had held three cents’ worth of snuff, and she had seen it in Mrs. Filley’s hand just about the time that dear old lady was passing away. She read it now for the first time: “ “dere mr Filley i kno that fort escew woman is gone to kepon senden them re ports an nottel you ime dedd but iam Sara Filley.” “She sent that to me,” said Mr. Filley, “by Doctor Butts, the house physician, and between us we managed to get a ‘line’ on you, Mrs. Fortescue; so that there’s been a little duplicity on both sides. Mrs. Fortescue looked at him with ad- miration mingled with respect; then she looked puzzled. “But why, if you knew it all along, why did you—” “Why did I let you go on?” repeated Mr. Filley. ‘Well, you’ve got to have the whole duplicity, I see.” He went back to the drawer and took out another object. It was a faded photograph of a young lady with her hair done up in a net, and with a hat like a soap-dish standing straight up on her head. “Twenty-five years ago,” said Mr. Filley, “boy; three dollars a week in an architect’s ” office; spent two-fifty of them, two weeks running, for flowers for that young lady when she played her first engagement in New Haven. Walked there. Paid the other fifty cents to get into the theatre. Lived on apples the rest of the week. Every boy does it. Never forgets it. Place always remains soft.” And, as Mrs. Fortescue sat and‘ looked long and earnestly at the picture a soft color came into her face that was born rather of memory than of her love for acting; and yet it wonderfully simulated youth and fresh beauty and a young joy in life. @ Select Your Boat — from us Catalog Products of 225 Lead- “\\ ing Boat-Builders to se Choose From ton ‘ More boats are shown in the 1916 boat-builders’ catalog than you can see at any motor boat show. This book is published by the Gray Motor Company in conjunc- tion with the 225 leading boat-builders throughout the United States and Canada. It shows every class of boat from the little 16-ft fishing launch to the most hand- some express runabout, or a snug, safe, roomy cruiser with all the comforts of a home. Boats a Girl Can Operate These boats are powered with guaran-' mien Siete - teed Gray Motors, which . ARR. So — can be equipped with self-starters, and are operated the same as any motor car, nothing exposed but instrument board and controls. This book tells you where you can buy the kind of boat you want at the price you want to pay—it also gives you the name of the leading boat-builder nearest your locality. Gray Marine Motors The new marine engine catalog shows a complete line of both 2 and 4 cycle marine motors, 3 to 90 H. P., 1 to 6 cylinders, with every feature you have ever hoped for in a marine motor. The Gray Book of Boats A new and effective idea, full of authoritive information on boats and engines—just what its title explains it to be. A book that will solve hundreds of the little problems that confront everybody considering a hull or a power plant. No theory here—all actual practice. Not the opinion of one. man but the boiled down experience of thousands of boatmen in all parts of the world. These three books sent free to anyone writing for them. GRAY MOTOR CO. 655 Gray Motor Building, DETROIT, MICH. 20-24 H. P., 4-Cyl., 4-Cycle Model ‘D’’, Other Grays, 3 to 90 H. P., 1 to 6 Cylinders. [ GRANLIDEN HOTEL LAKE SUNAPEE, N. H. At the gateway of the White Mountains. The Ideal Tour Hotel at Lake Sunapee. Fine golf course, saddle horses, tennis, boating, canoeing, bathing, fishing for salmon, trout and bass as good, if not the best, in New England. Dancing afternoon and evening. Fine motoring, etc. Fur- nished cottages to rent. Accommodates 300 guests, Write for circular. Address W. W. BROWN, Granliden Hotel, Lake Sunapee, N. H. Winter Season Hotels: INDIAN RIVER and ROCKLEDGE, Rockledge, Florida

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Quo How to be a Giant in Health and Mind How to re-create the body and mind; how to be thoroughly healthy and suc- cessful; how to restore every cell, every tissue and every organ to its normal function, without inconvenience; a unique, new and wonderful discovery that energizes the body and brain cells; conclusions drawn from thousands of cases By W. W. Washburn HERE is a new and wonderful system of re-con- structing and re-creating the human organism—a system of mental and physical development that has already revolutionized the lives of men and women all over the country. It has brought them a new kind of health, strength, energy, confidence and success. It has given them such marvelous energy of mind and body that they enjoy a full life, an intense life, a longer life, a com- pletely satisfactory and wholly worth while life. This new system, although it has already resulted in the complete recovery of thousands upon thousands of “ex- treme” cases, is just as valuable to people who are well. It gives them an entirely new idea of how truly healthy and happy a human being can be—how overflowing with energy, dash and life. And it is so thoroughly natural and simple that it accomplishes seemingly impossible results entirely without the use of drugs, medicines or dieting, without weights, exercisers or apparatus, without violent forms of exercise, without massaging or electricity or cold baths or forced deep breathing—in fact, this system does its revolutionizing work without asking you to do any- thing you do not like and neither does it ask you to give up what you do like. And so wonderful are its results that you begin to feel renewed after the first five minutes. How the Cells Govern Life The body is composed of billions of cells. When illness or any other unnatural condition prevails we must look to the cells for relief. When we lack energy and power, when we are listless, when we haven’t smash- ing, driving power back of our thoughts and actions, when we must force ourselves to meet our daily business and social obligations, when we are sick or ailing, or when, for any reason, we are not enjoying a fully healthy and happy life, it is simply because certain cells are weak and inactive or totally dead. ‘They haven’t the power to run the human engine as nature intended. ‘These facts and many others were dis- covered by Alois P. Swoboda and resulted in his marvelous new system of cell-culture. Re-Creating Human Beings Since 1896, when Swoboda first announced his sensational discovery, he has proved in thousands upon thousands of cases that by his simple, natural methods of reviving and increasing the forces and capacity of every cell, tissue, fibre and organ, anyone can become healthy, energetic and successful—anyone can literally double or treble his present eff- ciency, nerve power, will power, health power. He has shown men and women in all parts of the world and in all walks of life, how to build a keener brain, a more superb, energetic body, stronger muscles, a more vigorous heart, a healthier stomach, more active bowels, a better liver and perfect kidneys. He has times without number shown how to over- come general debility, listlessness, lack of ambition, lack of vitality— how to revitalize, regenerate and restore every part of the body to its normal state—how to recuperate the vital forces. Moreover, he has shown how his methods result in an ability to control the mind, to face every problem calmly, to concentrate easily, to think quickly, to work day after day without fatigue, to create a type of physical and mental super efficiency that is bound to result in greater material benefits than you ever before dreamed were possible to you. Swoboda is not the only perfect example of the Swoboda System. He fairly radiates vitality, his whole being pulsating with unusual life and energy. And his mind is even more alert and active than his body; he is tireless. Visit him, talk with him and you are impressed with the fact that you are in the presence of a remarkable personality, a superior product cf the Swoboda System of body and personality building. Swoboda em bodies in his own super-developed person and in his pupils the best proof of the correctness of his theories and of the success of his methods. Alois P. Swcboda has, for twenty years, been teaching people how to be really Alive—how to take advantage of ev ery moment of life, of every opportunity to better themselves. His system is more than a personal advantage, more than personal gain, it is truly a gift to humanity, for it enables men and women to enjoy life to the full. ; The Voice You Must Hear Although the Swoboda system is trifling in cost, men who can afford the most expensive treatments in the world are turning to it. Swoboda numbers among his pupils judges, senators, congressmen, cabinet mem- bers, ambassadors, governors, physicians and ministers, working men as well as millionaires. But it is the voice of the masses, the voice of the great army of plain, every-day people to which you must listen—the voices that say “I would never have believed it possible to gain so much in so short a time.” “My capacity for both mental and physical exertion is increasing daily.” “T feel like a new person.” “Your system has cured me of constipation of 20 years standing.” “I feel much better than I have felt for seven or eight years.” “I am beginning to forget that I have a body com posed of so many organs each of which used to force its presence on m) consciousness in a very unpleasant manner at times.”’ “I am 80 years old. After the lessons I feel like a young man.” “I feel today 200°; better than I did 6 weeks ago.” “I never was better in my life than | am today.” “I have grown within a few months from a weakling to an unusually strong man.” These are but a few of the heartfelt words of sincere appreciation sent to Swoboda by his grateful pupils. To print all the letters he has re ceived would fill a book of a thousand or more pages. From those shown (the writers’ names will be sent on request)—you will realize that there is a great deal for you in the Swoboda System of cell-culture. A Startling Book—Free If you think you are totally well, if you feel only a little below par, or if you have resigned yourself to your fate after many years’ suflering and many experiences with medicines, then by all means let Swoboda send youhis ‘, new copyrighted book on health, strength, efficiency. Read w hat his o system is, what it has already accomplished. You will be intensely o interested in every page, in every sentence, in every word. 3? Tear out the coupon on this page, write your name and 4% address on it or write a letter or even a postal card of Please and mail to Alois P. Swoboda, 1949 Aeolian Bldg., ¢ New York. Even if you gain but one suggestion » out of the 60 pages in Swoboda’s book, you will copyrighted have been repaid a thousandfold for having .¢ beok, “Conscious read it. I urge you by all means not to yg” Evyolution.”’ delay, not to say, “I’ll do it later,” 4? but to send the coupon or a letter or o postal now, while the matter is on (¢ your mind. Remember the v4 Address book is owe — f City Siate.......... a re ) oD ya- as on now or later, Write. ¢? Mail to ALOIS P. SWOBODA tion now or later. Write now. os 1949 Aeolian Bidg. New York City send me your free Name .... When writing to advertisers, please mention Puck

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Discriminating People Prefer Great Western Champagne “‘BRUT SPECIAL 1900” (ahsolutely brut) “SPECIAL RESERVE”’ (very dry) “EXTRA DRY”’ (mnedium) Typifying the Supreme in Quality. Only American Champagne Awarded Gold Medals in Europe (World’s Competition.) Paris 1900, 1889 and 1867 Bruxelles 1910-1897. Vienna 1893. =Fermented in Bottle. — Six to Seven Years. Pleasant Valley Wine Co., - Rheims, N. Y. Oldest and Largest Producers of Champagne in America