Puck 1914-04-25: Vol 75 Iss 1938

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ee “What feo; i} = Disite | 2 +) WEEK ENDING APRIL 25, 1914 ies: PRICE TEN CENTS PainTeD By WILLIAM HOUGHTON NIGHT BIRDS

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22 = Ss = | Bz HE Ee == Ss = 42BAF 2B BE = = fs SZ 42eZEZee 2 B2B2= S= <3 SS 4e¢eeéese ee Zz = 5 = ss ZEeeEew.2e &2F SS SSS BBZBEZz ES =z SS LY s 2EEZ ye =S=ss° SS “a & “& ss s S é typ FF SF Sg CyB ¥ Ss § yy, Li by ; , RSS Caw Uy, Dy ia VOL. LXXV. NO. 1938. WEEK ENDING APRIL 25, 1914 ~ RS Wy ty “DP Published by Ss 2, Mp, Wp PUCK PUBLISHING CORPORATION & Wy, ty NATHAN STRAUS, Jr., Pres. H. GRANT STRAUS, Sec. and Treas. SS & Uy Ut, 295-309 Lafayette Street, New York. ws w Ly Editor, HY MAYER. Literary Editor, A. H. FOLWELL. General Manager, FOSTER GILROY. Business Manager, W. G. NAYLOR RSS SS ws Copyright, » by Puck Publishing Corporation ights Reservec WSs oy Wg 0 nonniae teen berte, serge es ro, he ; ly ies Terms : $5.00 per year. aw Wy, x $2.50 for six months. $1.25 for three months. x RS by 3 * Payable in advance, a » Address all correspondence to Puck Publishing Corporation. ciate. 0 The two pages in the contre of this issue showing the tallest building in; the world,.as seen by a great American painter of the Impressionist. School, and by the leading American painter of the Post-Impressionist School, should prove of interest to every reader of Puck: ~~ In the next issue Mr. Hy Mayer’s first work will appear —a remarkable double pagé, in color, caricaturing the new spring fashions. We had expected'to publish some of ‘Mr. Mayer’s work in this issue, but owing to the delay in the arrival of his steamer from Europe last week he did not arrive home in time. < "5 You will not want to miss Puck. -It is getting. better with each issue, and growing nearer with each issue to our ideal of the cleverest and most -humorous. weekly publication in America. The up-to-date American reads Puck. Do.you? Better subscribe to-day. Tear off the coupon in the corner. If you see the next few issues of Puck we are certain you will not want to miss it in future. i Puck is in need of contributions—humorous ones of the literary kind, and artistic ones of the pictorial kind. Puck pays the highest prices regularly and invariably for contri- butions of the high standard it requires. Puck’s prices are Strictly cash-on-acceptance. In the case of literary contri- butions, the shorter the better. Puck pays, not by the line, but by the smile.

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OUT OF THE RUNNING “Why aren’t you dancing, Mr. McXixe?”’ **I was out of town for the week-end and I don’t know any of the new steps.”

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RPE 3 Zi ee } | vate: Sila hal ‘ine TT hos ge MBE ad Bs Se ee { , «THERE HE IS!” Drawn sy CALVERT SMITH

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After a while, the one way in which a naval officer can get a drink is to stand close by when a battleship is christened and catch some of the cham- pagneinacan. _ we General Eulalia Gutierrez—you know General Gutierrez, of course—has been experimenting with a new guillotine . down Mexico way, and he says it “works beautifully.” He tested it on sheep. Political guillotines are usually tested on “ goats.” * Woman, declares Mrs. Charlotte Perkins Gilman, is in a social quagmire. So? Perhaps that is why she wears such short skirts. * Surgeons in Baltimore cut a man’s tongue to save him. Having his tongue cut would save many aman. Especially a married man. For several years, quoth Oscar of the Waldorf, the tendency has been to simplify menus. Yes; owing to hard times a number of our best eaters are cutting out truffles. The deep significance of the Kaiser’s forty-five-minute limit to state dinners has just penetrated the inner shell of our intellect. He wants to “can” the after-dinner speaker. To accomplish this most desirable of ends a man must needs be an absolute monarch. ¥ You have to hand it to Villa for one thing. He has shoved Cipriano Castro out of the Latin-American limelight. ¥ District-Attorney Whitman stops dis- trict-attorneying long enough to say that “a Progressive is bound to work with the Republican Party unless he is willing to be ineffectual.” Bound to! This is enough to capsize a canoe on the Amazon river. In ousting Spaniards from Mexico, Villa is merely getting even for what Cortez did to Montezuma. © Daniel in the lions’ den ran some risk, we frankly admit, but nothing to the risk Daniels would run in a den of United States naval officers. The Emperor of Austria caught a cold while bidding good-by to the Kaiser. Wilhelm cannot be a “ warm, personal friend” of his. ¥ Brussels is to build a steel tower one hundred feet higher than the Eiffel Tower in Paris. Why this frenzied competition for artificial altitudes? For a change, why not see who can dig the deepest hole! Cruisers and battleships which pos- sess silver punch-bowls may now exchange them—less depreciation—for cut-glass lemonade sets. * A bacteriologist has created a new species of microbes by crossing one with another. It is only a question of time when we shall have an annual Microbe Show at Madison Square Garden. 7 Theodore Roosevelt will be back in May. Newspaper make-up men will kindly hold the first page open. nd 3 a 4

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oe ot**en . . Secretary Daniels is a Democrat with a small d and he is trying to make the Navy democratic. Itis not an easy job, because the top part of the Navy is aristocratic with a large A and doesn’t yearn for a change. Wine in the wardroom and grog in the forecastle is democratic; but wine in the ward- room and grog forbidden in the forecastle creates a class distinction, and class distinctions are contrary to democracy. Hence the Secretary s latest order. If the wine mess is ever restored the grog mess should be restored also, for alcohol plays no favorites, and under its influence the forecastle is as much to be trusted as the wardroom. As far as we have been able to note, the upper classes of society make just as great fools of themselves when intoxicated as the lower classes. Which might be called the democracy of rum. . Young Mr. Rockefeller is a great believer in principle. The particular principle in which at present he is interested is the right of man to sell his labor where and to whom he pleases. So vital is the issue, Mr. Rockefeller intimates, that millions of dollars will be sacrificed, if necessary, in bringing “*ecee?” ee “What Fools these Mortals be!” THE CATSPAW it to a triumphant conclusion. This stand by the richest of Bible class teachers is especially interesting to those who recall his parable of the American Beauty rose. In that little Classic young Mr. Rockefeller compared the American Beauty rose with industrial monopoly. In floriculture, numerous small blossoms on the rose tree had to be deliberately sacri- ficed in order to produce the one perfect bloom; so likewise, in commercial enterprise, innumerable small concerns had to fall by the wayside in order to produce the American trust. In each case the final result was perfection. Nothing was said at that time about any sacred rights. The small buds on the rose tree had no legitimate grievance when the pruning knife took them off. Neither had the small business buds that died to make a perfect trust. Has young Mr. Rockefeller forgotten the parable of the American Beauty rose? If combinations of capital may properly deny to individuals the right of inde- pendent action, may not combinations of labor likewise deny it? When he speaks again of “the great principle” of the right of man to sell his labor where and to whom he pleases, young Mr. Rockefeller should withdraw his fragrant metaphor of the American Beauty. The two do not mingle well. Out- spoken people are apt to say things. : , aS

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WM apap» Vip, Mey Whi PAA PAN ee Bonk: é 1 ee \ ’ AW | | \\\\ LOW AND BEHOLD! IN NEXT TO NOTHING **Dear me! Such an experience as I had the other evening,’”’ confided Gracia. ‘“‘I haven’t been so embarrassed since a tinner fell through the skylight while I was taking a bath.” **Dotell me,”’ urged Mabel, offering a chocolate for the news. **Mr. Gray, on pretense of having a chat with father, has been dropping in nearly every night. Lately he has got into the habit of walking in without knocking.” Mabel shook her head. ‘Might be very awkward some time.” **Last night,’’ proceeded Gracia, ‘I was stand- ing in the hall, when in he walked. Honestly, Mabel, I wanted to sink through the floor. I blushed, and grabbed a raincoat. He blushed, apologized, and backed out. Hell ring, if he ever returns.” **Mercy!’’ gasped Mabel. ‘‘ What didn’t you have on?” Gracia spoke slowly, impressively. “He caught me in the house in a street suit.” NOT STOLEN MADGE: Did he steal a kiss from you? MARJORIE: He thought he did. IN THE WILDERNESS Elijah was being fed by the ravens. “*Good enough grub, but how can I tango by myself?”’ he grumbled. CUPID’S MENU There ’s baked heart, and there ’s boiled; There’s stewed heart, and there’s fried; There’s grilled heart, and there’s broiled. And still some more beside. There’s scrambled heart, and hashed, There’s poached heart, too, you see; There’s pickled heart, and mashed — But new Spring heart for me! ee MORAL SPILLWAYS Prudent and practical men, setting out to restrain a flood, do not try to keep back all the water. They build their dams with spillways and by such devices escape destruction. Only for the spillways their dams would soon be torn out and the dickens to pay. There are austere moralists, chiefly of the clerical calling, who are neither prudent nor practical in their manner of dealing with that flood of sex instinct which society is trying so hard torestrain. If they can have their way there will be no spillways, only the uncompromising solid masonry. So it is they blame dancing. Just the other day a minister, important enough to get himself generally quoted, declared in so many words that dancing is bad because it gratifies the sex instinct, when as a matter of fact its merit lies in that. If it didn’t gratify the sex instinct it would n’t be a spillway. If sermons do as much for morals as dancing, they do very well. ONE VIEW-POINT FIRST FACTORY OWNER: This race-suicide business looks bad for the country. SECOND FACTORY OWNER: Yes, the factory owners of the next generation will face a severe child-labor famine. Sd When you have a finger in the pie you are likely to leave your thumb- print. A BUSINESS-MAN’S LUNCH MONDAY Oysters. Soup. Roast Beef, or some ready dish, with potatoes. Pie. Coffee. Cigars. TUESDAY Soup. Roast Beef, or some ready dish — never mind the potatoes. Coffee. Tango. WEDNESDAY Hot Roast-Beef Sandwich. Coffee. Tango. Hesitation. Maxixe. THURSDAY Cold Roast-Beef Sandwich. Cuppercoffee. Tango. Hesitation. Maxixe. Furlana. Various kinds of wiggle. FRIDAY Anyoldkind of Sandwich. C’fee. Tango. Hesitation. Maxixe. Furlana. Twinkletoes. An assortment of glides and hugs. SATURDAY Demi-Tasse. Tango. Hesitation. Maxixe. Furlana. Twinkletoes. Lame Duck. Banana Split. Paresis Push. Housemaid’s Knee. Dippy Dip. SUNDAY Tea and Toast. Showing the White Feather THE UNACCEPTED APOLOGY SCENE: Prettily furnished apartment on the West Side. TIME: Midnight. Room very dimly lighted. Man and woman seated on the sofa. Man throws his arms around her, embraces her passionately. Enter another man. Without a word he draws a revolver and shoots the first man dead. The lady rises, annoyed. The man pauses, looks about the room meditatively. HE: I beg your pardon (hesitates). Has this room been repapered ? SHE: Not since January. HE: Then this isn’t the fourth floor? SHE: No, this is the third. HE (putting away revolver): Then I belong a flight higher. SHE: Oh! HE: I hope I haven’t annoyed you. (Exit.) FORCE OF HABIT WILLIS (in the cemetery): This can’t be Hardupp’s grave. The inscription reads ‘Mrs. Hardupp.” GILLIS: Yes, but you see he had his tomb- stone, like his other things, put in his wife’s name.

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PUTTING A HEAD ON IT TRY } THE FAIRY % id oc pet “ {ahop Tf al! Oy : ———— a _— Whereupon a window openeth and a voice exclaimeth: “How Dare You!” Usawn By H. M. WILDER

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The Ballot-Ballet of Chicago Was seen in its vote premiere; Panc. Villa made eyes at Tampico, And Huerta is gasping for air. Albania’s last insurrection Looks good to the movie brigade; John Lind turned his face To a cheerfuller place, And old Easter was seen on parade. An editor went to the cooler For spoofing the German Crown Prince; *Tis said that the feminist movement Was started when Eve bit the quince. Free baths were decreed for the Senate, Bill Barnes said he wasn’t a boss, The worthy John D. Took his driver to tee, And John Bull is decidedly cross. The Colonel was mentioned for Congress— The tropics are now being paged; J. Bonaparte, famous descendant, Is said to be lately engaged. Another new germ was discovered, The militants blew up a perch, Miss Wilson said “Shoo, Pll be married in blue!” And Sir Asquith is back on his perch. Guow The News in Rime Art. Woods, of the Mayor’s famille,* Was slated for Chief of Police; The Salvation Army has weddings For one hundred dollars apiece. The mode in Milwaukee complexions Compels them to match with one’s gown; Some stock financeers Fell and broke their careers, And Paviowa came tripping to town. *Pronounced famille. Strong drink was debarred from the navy, But grape juice may still be inhaled; The lady who mangled the Venus Was very politely unjailed. Sir Underwood captured the toga From Hobson in old Alabam’; The bombs-bombs went “bingo!” In Santo Domingo, And Bernhardt is coming! Salaam! Sir William McCombs said a highbrow Was rather a valueless cuss; The new shark-fin hat came from Paris— A man-eater, take it from us! The lonesomest person in Kansas Imported a frog for a pet; Three cents—do you care?— Is Toledo’s new fare, And the railroads are all in a fret. A colonel of Huerta’s persuasion Arrested a dark blue marine; The wife of Will Taft is an anti, And lots of young verdure was seen. Alf. Noyes, of Great Britain and Oxforo, Will lecture at Princeton eftsoon, A German High Judge Said a kiss was like fudge, And the first thing you know ’twill be June! F. Dana Burnet. rrr

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a alent ethene 2a mates uae. eae iat QW i, y) Dear naughty George Moore—sad, bad, mad- has reformed. He tells us why in his latest book, ‘‘ Vale,” the English edition of which I was lucky enough to read; for, depend upon it, the American edition will be expur- gated, nay, fumigated, as was the “‘Memoirs of My Dead Life” by the same Celtic Casanova. ‘Vale,’ just in print, completes the trilogy, ‘‘ Hail and Farewell;” ‘‘Ave” and ‘“‘Salve”’ being the titles of the preceding two. In the first, Moore is sufficiently vitriolic, and in ‘‘ Salve”? he serves up George Russell, the poet and painter, better known as “A. E.”’—witha diphthong — in a more sympathetic fashion. When ‘“‘Vale”’ was announced several years Don Juan. In real life he was, as far as I can make out, not particularly a monster of iniquity; but, oh! in his Confessions and Memoirs what a rake was he! How the “lascivious lute” did sound! Some of the pages of the new volume (see pp. 274-278, English edition) in which he describes his tactics to avoid a kiss (kissing gives him a headache in these lonesome, latter years, though he was born only in 1857), is to set you wondering over the frankness of the man. Walter Pater once called him “‘ audacious George Moore,” and audacious he is with pen and ink. Otherwise, like Bernard Shaw, he is not looking for physical quarrels. ago as on the brink of completion I was moved to write: “‘I suppose when the final book appears it means that George Moore has pyt up the shutters of his soul, not to say, his shop. But I have my serious doubts.” After reading ‘“‘Vale”’ I still have them. Only death will end the streaming confessions of this writer. He who lives by the pen shall perish by the pen. (This latter sentence is not a quotation from the sacred books of any creed, merely the conviction of a slave chained to the ink-well. ) I said that ‘‘ Vale” will be expurgated for American consumption. Certainly. We are so averse to racy, forcible English in America— thanks to the mean, narrow spirit in our arts and letters—that a hearty oath scares us into the Brooklyn back-yard of our timid conscience. George calls a spade a spade, and he delights on stirring up rank malodorous soil with this war-worn agricul- tural implement. When he returned some ten years ago to Dublin, there to help in the national literary and artistic movement, he found a devoted band of brethren; William Butler Yeats, Lady Gregory, Douglas Hyde, John M. Synge, Edward Martyn, Russell, and others. I sha’n’t attempt even a brief mention of the neo-Celtic awakening. Yeats was the prime instigator, also the storm centre. He literally discovered Synge, the dramatist— in reality the only strong man of the group, the only dramatist of originality— and he, with his exquisite lyric gift, also discovered a new Ireland, a fabulous, beautiful Erin, un- suspected by Tom Moore, Samuel Lover, Carleton, Mangan, Lever, and the too-busy Boucicauit. As I soon found out when there, Dublin is a vast whispering gallery. Delightful, hospitable Dublin is also an extremely provincial town, given to gossip and backbiting. Say something about somebody in the smoking- room of the Shelbourne, and a few hours later the clubs will be repeating it. Mr. Moore said things every hour in the day, and in less than six days he had sown for himself a fine crop of enemies. To “get even” he conceived the idea of writing a series of novels, with real people bearing their own names. That he hasn’t been shot at, horsewhipped, or sued for libel thus far is just his usual good luck. “‘ Vale” is largely a book of capricious insults. But then the facts it sets down in cruel type! When the years have removed the actors therein from the earthly scene, our grandchildren will chuckle over Moore’s un- conscious humor and Pepys-like chronicling of small beer. For the social historian this trilogy will prove a mine of gossip—rich vera- cious gossip. It throws a calcium glare on the soul of the author, who, self-confessed, is now old, impotent, and no longer a dangerous He once spoke of Shaw as “the funny man in a boarding house,” though he never mentions his name in his memoirs. He doesn’t like him. And he doesn’t iike Yeats; what’s more, he prints the news as often and as elaborately as possible. In the present book he doesn’t exactly compare Yeats to a crane or a pelican, but he calls attention to the fact that the poet belonged to the “‘lower middle class.”” It seems that Yeats had been thun- dering away at the artistic indifference of the Dublin bourgeoisie. Now, looking at Yeats the other night when John Quinn gave him a dinner at Delmonico’s, you could not note any resemblance to exotic birds, though he might recall a penguin. He was very solemn, very bored, very fatigued—his eyes deep sunken from fatigue. Posing as a tame parlor poet for six weeks had tired the man to his very bones. But catch him in private with his waistcoat unbuttoned—I speak figuratively— and you will enjoy a born raconteur, one who slowly distils witty poison at the tip of every anecdote, till, bursting with glee, you cry: **How these literary men do love each other! How one Irishman dotes on another!” Yeats may be an exception to the rule that a poet is as vain and as irritable as a tenor. I didn’t notice the irritability, finding him taking him- self seriously, as should all apostles of cul- ture and Celtic twilight. I couldn’t help thinking of Alfred Noyes and his fiery letter to The Times regarding his contempt for our filthy lucre. That’s why he is in America, “in our midst,” for poetry, not pelf. Yeats is franker. He came over to lecture and went back with some spare cash. Good! He labored and received the reward of his labors, and didn’t indulge in the pose disinterested. He got even with George Moore’s virulent attacks by telling a capital story, which he confessed was invented, one that went all over Dublin and London. When George felt the call of a Protestant conversion he was in Dublin. He has told us of his difficulties, mental and temperamental. One day some question of dogmia presented itself and he hurried to the Cathedral for advice. He sent in his name to the Archbishop, and that forgetful dignitary exclaimed: ‘‘ Moore, Moore, oh, that man again! Well, give him another pair of blankets.’”’ In later versions, coals, candles, even shillings, were added to the apocryphal anec- dote—which, by the way, set smiling the usually impassive Moore, who can see a joke every now and then. Better still is the true tale of George, who boasts much in ‘‘ Vale”’ of his riding danger- ous mounts; and when challenged at an English country house did get on the back of a vicious animal and ride to hounds the better part of a day. He wouldn’t, quite properly, take the “‘ dare,”’ although when he (Continued on page 17)

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ered rene: fe dary aoe coe ors ies

PS ae Each brain is a premise. Each sensibility fashions its own universe. There are not only two ways of looking at every object in the world, but there are as many ways as there are eyes. Sometimes what we see is only a question of diet. ‘Psychic insight’ and “point of view” are sometimes conditioned on the kind of beer you drink or that your ancestors drank. Schopenhauer’s famous dictum, ‘‘ The world is my idea,”’ should have read “‘ The world is my peculiar digestion.” No greater contrast could be imagined than the Woolworth Tower as Fornaro sees it and the same structure as Marin sees it. The first is an Impressionist, the second a Futurist. The mind of Fornaro is precise, mathematical, formal; the mind of Marin is anarchic, dithyrambic, color- ve sH as Peg

&, mh & < i oe fg Ait America’s Tallest Tower, Plus Some Temperament struck. Fornaro conveys to us a sense of titanic power working in a milieu of sinister beauty. Marin gives us a sense of luminous humor, a mock danse macabre of triumphant Life. **What is beauty,’”? asked a young student of Hammerschlact, the greatest of Bulgarian poets. ‘‘Beauty,”’ replied the latter, “‘is the phos- phorescent smear on the Thing.”” This is purely metaphysical, but it proves once again that no one can define beauty. It is evident from these two paintings that Fornaro’s id2a of Beauty and Marin’s idea of Beauty are as wide apart as human being from human being; and the distance between any two human beings is interstellar. Benjamin De Casseres.

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Drawn sy W. E. HILL AM BERNARD . ° ” 3 < = a.) u fa) m4 ee) w =z cL “THE BELLE OF BOND STREET”

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a PUCK AT THE PLAY BY THAD LAWSON PANTHEA Booth Theatre The vividness of a sordid dream may fascinate the dreamer. Its apparent realism may grip the emotions. Awakening, however, the impressions are dispelled. It is no longer convincing. It was not true to life. Olga Petrova—a recent welcome addition to the legitimate—plays the part of “‘Panthea.”” To her superb acting may be ascribed any apparent realism in this highly ficticious character which dominates the play. ‘‘Panthea” must have been born in leap-year; anyway, she was endowed with a genius for proposing alliances with the opposite sex that was more persevering than laudable. Her ideas on questions of morality would hardly be considered “‘ Comstockian.”’ Five minutes was the time she necessarily consumed in deciding that she was in love with ‘‘Gerard” (Milton Sills). Based on the fascinating qualities portrayed by Milton, five weeks was a fair time to allow for this. ‘‘Gerard”’ was slower. It took him seven minutes to reciprocate. In about eighteen minutes the coy “‘Panthea”’ had proposed to her “‘cooked-while-you-wait”’ lover, and, against his better judgment, he consented to elope with her. It is assumed that both parties were steeped in artistic OLGA PETROVA AND GEORGE NASH IN “PANTHEA”™’ temperament, thereby accounting for their carless breaking of the speed limit in entering the connubial state without even a marriage certificate. Thus does the author hurdle his characters over the chasm of the unreal in order to land them in the mire of dissolute—necessary for the next act. As the next act opens, you instinctively realize what is coming. Memory flashes back to “‘ Paid in Full.’”” You are about to witness that inspiring dramatic situation— so dear to the hearts of the New York playgoer—of a woman giving herself up to another man, all for the sake of her addle-pated lover. Such is the nucleus of the sordid dream. Enter ‘Baron the Duisitort’’—the proverbial libertine. This character is splendidly portrayed by George Nash. The subtle, snake-like manner in which he intrigues is hypnotic. Meanwhile, ‘‘Panthea’s”’ leap-year propensities continue to grow. She proposes to the “‘Baron” and he accepts her—for thirty days only. “Gerald”? appears to be unnecessarily peeved upon learning this, but ‘‘Panthea”’ convinces him that she is all right by killing the ‘“‘Baron.” This of course also convinces us. It must be admitted that this sordid tale is told in such a manner that it holds your closest attention and thrills you from time to time. Olga Petrova and George Nash furnish the vividness. You will approve of their work even should you not approve cf the authors in writing ‘‘ Panthea.” » LADY WINDERMERE’S FAN Liberty Theatre While platitudinous morals are sayings to revere, yet cynics often tell us just the truths that we should hear. It has long been the custom to paste the label of ‘cynic’? beneath the name of Oscar Wilde. That in itself is of no particular moment; but somehow he had the egregious faculty of creating dramatic characters who say things that we don’t often hear elsewhere. What is more, it is agreeably entertaining to hear the character say these things. These are cardinal points much to be desired in the writing of drama. A review at this late day, which chronicles the fact that ‘“‘Lady Windermere’s Fan” is a success, is in the same category with a delayed eulogy on George Washington. It is an undeniable historic fact, however, that George with his little hatchet, generally told the truth, and likewise Oscar with his rapier (satire) often did the same. In this play Wilde has cleverly sketched his characters. He thoughtfully equipped each one of them with a little epigrammatic hammer which they are trained to use whenever opportunity presents itself. Early in the play the little hammers commence to fly. Every time one of them hits the playwrights anvil a brilliant flash of sapient humor or repartee results. Sometimes they rap each other and sometimes they Brae | Unseen Forces Behind Your Telephone HE telephone instrument is a common sight, but it affords no idea of the magnitude of the mechanical equipment by which it is made effective. To give you some conception of the great number of persons and the enormous quantity of materials required to maintain an always-efficient service, various comparisons are here presented. The cost of these materials unassembled is only 45% of the cost of constructing the telephone plant. Telephones enough to string around Lake Erie—8,000,000 of them, 5,000,000 Bell- owned, which, with equip- ment, cost at the factory #45,000,000. Poles enough to build a stock- ade around California— 12,480,000 of them, worth in the lumber yard about $40,000,000, Wire to coil around the earth 621 times— 15,460,- 000 miles of it, worth about $100,000,000, including 260,000 tons of copper, worth $88,- 000. Switchboards in a line would extend thirty-six miles—55,000 of them, which cost, un- assembled, $90,000,000. Buildings " sufficient ppoemonsty ° Fa A isin, of 150,000-—-more than Lead and Tin : ae bP a ry a thousand buildings, to load 6,600 coal cars A es - which, unfurnished, . —being 659,960,000 yi isaaet and without land, cost pounds, worth more ; weer p. than $37,000,000. J People Conduits *\ to go five timesthrough the earth from pole to pole—225,778,000 feet, i worth in the warehouse $9,000,000. equal in numbers to the entire population of Wyoming—1!50,000 Bell System employes, not including those of connecting companies. The poles are set all over this country, and strung with wires and cables; the conduits are buried under the great cities; the tele- phones are installed in separate homes and offices; the switch- boards housed, connected and supplemented with other machinery, and the whole Bell System kept in running order so that each subscriber may talk at any time, anywhere. AMERICAN TELEPHONE AND TELEGRAPH COMPANY ANG ASSOCIATED COMPANIES One Policy One System Universal Service rap moral platitudes in general, which, strange though it may seem, is highly amusing to us good people. This display of luminous wit has a subtle effect on the audience; we begin to feel our own brilliancy. We imagine such clever lines were written for just such clever people as we are. This feeling of self-approbation is one of the pleasures which you derive from witnessing Oscar Wilde’s plays. One can hardly refrain from unconsciously comparing this success of years with some of the modern dramatist’s efforts. Oscar’s reputation hardly suffered thereby; in fact, making such comparison is one of the simplest methods to become an encomiast of Oscar Wilde’s writings. Admittedly, much of the success of this revival is due to the able manner in which it is presented by Margaret Anglin and her capable company. Miss Anglin’s portrayal of ‘‘ Mrs. Erlynne”’ is all that could be desired. To the writer, Margery Maud did not seem equal to the occasion; while weil suited to the part, her work does not have the convincing qualities that the role demands. If you have never witnessed ‘“‘Lady Windermere’s Fan” you would do well to make the most of an opportunity. If you enjoy brilliant dialogue you will enjoy this play. It is pyrotechnical. » NEW PRODUCTIONS The Easter holidays witness a surfeit of openings in the theatrical line. The Hippodrome offers a spectacular revival of ‘‘Pinafore,”” ‘‘The Red Canary” is produced at the Lyric, ‘The Dummy” at the Hudson, “‘The Beauty Shop“ at the Astor and “‘The Governor’s Boss”’ at the Garrick. Puck hopes that all of these theatrical Easter lilies will be ever blooming ones in the right sense of the word; which, of course, means the opposite of ‘‘bloomers,” as failures are termed in the vernacular of Broadway. This time of the year must be deemed propitious for presenting the untried, as there are rumors of still more to come. It is reported that there are several important productions slated to open in the next two or three weeks.

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“ All golf clubs should keep on hand a good supply of fish - hooks and bed-posts. “It is not generally known, but these are a wonderful assistance in learning to drive.” Thus quoth the Idiot. It seemed to us that he was ebriously GOLF AS SHE IS WROTE FISH drivelling. He read our freely-advertised thoughts. “Oh, /’m not the idiot this time,” he said. ‘‘You may not believe it, but I can’t give them arun at the Idiot game in London. “Fish-hooks and bed-posts really are extremely valuable in learning golf, accord- ing to Harry Vardon in How to Play Golf.” “Oh, come off,” we protested. ‘“ You can’t put that kind of stuff over here.” ‘“°Tis sad but true,” he answered. “Harry Vardon found out the virtue in fish-hooks and bed-posts late in life from one Colonel Quill, who, as one might sup- pose, found it out much later in life, and now he ’s doin’ good to golf by telling of it. “Want to keep your head still in the drive? Of course you do. Simplest thing in the world, Vardon says. “Get a section of hollow iron bed-post. Cut it short. Get a bit of tin. Tie it on the end of a piece of string. Sink it in the bed-post. Fix a fish-hook on the other end of it. See the diagram of it? Awfully ingenious, eh, what! what! “That ’s good so far. Now get to work. Stick the bed-post in the ground behind you and the fish-hook in your cap. Put the tin in the bed-post and the cap on your head. VARDON WOULD SAY PUSH YOUR LEFT SHOULDER INTO IT AS YOU GO UP “Do not, on any account, put the bed- post on your head and the tin in the cap. This does n’t work well. Leave the wheel on the bed-post. You can then wheel it, instead of carrying it. Good stunt, what! “Now get out and play golf —golf, ye ken! Shades of Tom Morris! “Dig your bed-post in. Drop your tin into the tubular post. Take your stand so that the string is taut. Wave your head. Listen for the tinkle. Waggle and steady down. Now for the drive. “Let it go, old fellow my lad, and if you don’t hear the tintinnabulation of the tin in the bed-post your head was steady, and— perhaps— your drive was good, and you were infernally lucky that the bed-post did n’t get a ‘bite’ and ‘strike’, what! \ \ MWY wy AT, NS IT TOOK A SURGEON HALF AN HOUR AND A CASE OF KNIVES TO PERSUADE IT OUT “But, oh, but, if you hear the merry tink- ling of the tintinnabulary gymnastics of the tin, you were unsteady, what! “Four pages does Vardon— or the person ( om F any reader of Puck can show that the Idiot is wrong, he will receive from Puck the sum of ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS, and the Golf Idiot will go without salary for that week. Address PUCK’S GOLF IDIOT, Puck, 301 Lafayette Street, N. Y. All letters, to receive consideration, must be signed with full name and address. Letters received by Puck’s Golf Idiot will be considered his prop- erty, for publication or other use as he may see fit. $100.00 for the FIRST letter each week PROVING HIM WRONG. NS _S THE COLONEL IN ACTION who put the imbecility on him—abuse to tell us of this; but Harry wasn’t photo- graphed with the bed-post, tin, and fish- hook on him. “| won’t insult him by thinking he could give me points like that; but, see here, | ’ll draw you a picture of Colonel Quill after an unsuccessful drive. See it? The bed- post got a ‘bite’. It took the doctor half an hour and a case of knives to persuade the hook out. “That ’s the imbecility ignorant journal- ists plaster on a great name like Vardon to earn a few paltry sovereigns. It’s sinful, isn’t it? “Say, let me tell you how Vardon would give you the tip to keep your head still. He does n’t really believe in mixing up angling and golf ’cept sometimes when the waters are heavy and balls are floating about. And then he ’s more apt to use a niblick than the dry fly. Into a bunker here, | fear. “Vardon would say push your left shoulder into it as you go up. Gotme?” “Yes?” “Well, that’s gold in your pocket. Feel as though you push your left shoulder forward towards the hole as you go up. You really won’t do it, but even if you did it would be better than getting onto the right leg—or getting scalped. “That reminds me: One old fellow with a wig tried the fish-hook notion. “He was showing some ladies the stunt. He saved his skin, but—— “Oh, forget it! They never will; and he ’s looking for Colonel Quill still and if he finds him there ’Il be a mill.” THEY NEVER WILL FORGET IT

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Brow The Prudential A National Institution of Public Usefulness Assets, over , , . . 323 Million Dollars Liabilities (Including Policy Reserve $260, 000, ,000) / ‘ ; 297 Million Dollars Capital and Surplus, over ; 25 Million Dollars Amount Set Aside for Holders of Deferred Dividend Policies, over ; - 31 Million Dollars Dividends Payable to Policyholders in 1914, over. ‘ 6% Million Dollars Paid Policyholders during 1913, nearly : ; : 34 Million Dollars 7 Total Payments to Policyholders, since organization, over p . 300 Million Dollars Number of Policies in Force . ‘ ; ‘ ‘ 12 Million Real Estate Mortgages and Farm Loans, over : ‘ ; 92 Million Dollars Voluntary Concessions Paid Policyholders to date, nearly ‘ ‘ ‘ 18% Million Dollars New Business '33°%:"" 481 Million Dollars LOWEST EXPENSE RATE IN THE HISTORY OF THE COMPANY Over Two Billion 406 Million Dollars pen ohn | Life Insurance in Force THE PRUDENTIAL INSURANCE CO., OF AMERICA Incorporated as a Stock Company by the State of New Jersey FORREST F. DRYDEN, President Home Office, Newark, N. J. The Prudential Issues Life Insurance for the Whole Family. Write for Information, Dept. 81. 15 HIS GIRL! And Then He DID Beat the Rug!

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Wanted— The services of Mr. Brandeis by the New York Stock Exchange to increase its efficiency. * Paying a dividend on a stock one has sold **short,’”’ remarked Old Ticker Bug, feels just about as bad as paying alimony. - A plan is on foot to extend the scope of the City College so as to fit young men for civil service, politics, government, salesmanship, accounting, commercial law, efficiency tests, etc., etc. If not too late, we would suggest a course in Stock Exchange details with the special object of evolving a few expert bull leaders. > A small stockholder is a little man who has a large amount of faith. ¥ The Packard Motor Car Company reports satisfactory sales of cars and announces the cessation of shipments hereafter during the months of July and August, “in order to get its wind and go ahead with the production for the following year.”’ In this era of efficiency, it is pertinent to ask what the shipping department will do during the summer season. ¥ President Whitridge is reported to have said: “The Third Avenue Railway is virtuous and prosperous.” Officials of other railways are invited to take note of the combination. > Convertible bonds are common stock once removed. aa One of the plans under consideration to provide funds for farmers undertakes to make it possible for the latter to borrow directly from the national government. There are various provisions as to the amount of the loans, the method of repay- ment, the character of the borrowers, and finally a suggestion that governmentai agents, possibly postmasters, are to be responsible for giving accurate information in connection with the loans. Why this sudden and curious burden upon the postmasters, especially in view of that other curious function—the suggested censorship by the Post-Office over the Stock and Cotton Exchanges? Thus the policy of regulation con- tinues upon its confusing course and nobody k1ows where he is at. * The ticker fools all the people all the time. Sd Wall Street, or some part of it at any rate, professed to be surprised at the recent unfilled tonnage report of the Steel Corporation. The decrease, it was said, was greater than the fore- cast intimated. In point of fact the orders on hand were slightly in excess of those of January 31st, and for that matter of the months of December, November, and October. During February, apparently, there was an exceptional spurt. The truth is that so far as unfilled orders are concerned there has been an orderly and perfectly unmistakable downward trend since December, 1912, when the high level of 7,932,164 was reached. It is interesting, by the way, to notice that December is the pivotal month in the steel year in respect to unfilled orders. Following December, 1903, which made a relatively low exhibit (about three and one- quarter millions), there was a consistent up- climb for four years until December, 1906, when the highest figure on record was achieved— approximately eight and one-half millions. The next four years showed a general downward tendency with a partial recovery in 1909, followed however the next year, December, 1910, by altogether the lowest exhibit on record, a little over two and one-half millions. Thus the Decem- ber showings have furnished both the highest and the lowest records. After that minimum performance of 1910 there was an up-trend for two years (1911 and 1912), and since that time as already noted the unfilled tonnage has been gradually growing less. It would appear from this that in the steel industry a sort of law pre- vails covering four-year periods. If such proves to be the case, then during 1911 and 1912 we were fairly on the way towards an entirely new high level from which we were diverted by governmental antagonism. A favorable freight- rate decision, therefore, ought to put us once more on the right path and permit us to continue our interrupted advance to greater steel and other industrial achievements than ever before. ¥ The railroads are one damned thing after another. ¥ It appears that the New Haven Railroad in its eagerness to create a New England monopoly paid too much for the steam, trolley, and boat lines it purchased. In other words the stock- holders of the latter reaped a rich harvest; the stockholders of the former paid the price. In the end, it would seem that the whole affair is a matter between stockholders. A LONG MAN WITH A LONG HEAD gerry Yornago. —s Sk; upo

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A METROPOLITAN AIR FIRST PASSENGER (looking out of car- window): Hello! Here we are in Chicago. I didn’t suppose we’d got there yet. It does look like We SECOND PASSSENGER: Chicago, but it can’t be. Ah, I see! are passing through a forest fire. CLIMBING CRAWFORD: So your wife is determined to move? CRABSHAW: There’s no doubt of it, my boy. She’s convinced that she can keep up with a more rapid bunch cf neighbors. The Worthington Ball Co., Elyria, O. Manufacturers of the Celebrated Dia- mond Brand Golf Balls. Extreme dis- tance, durable, stay white and putt true. HIS WAY “I never return borrowed money,” said Beatley. ‘“‘You see, people are so close- fisted nowadays that when I borrow a dollar they make me feel that I have earned it.” THE REAL NEED WILLIS: They have got automobiles within the reach of the average man’s pocket-book now. GILLIS: Yes. Now I hope they’ll get them within reach of the average man’s under- standing. AH, YES! ENGLISHMAN (learning baseball): Tell me, old top, why did you just call that short- stop a “‘bird’’? AMERICAN: Why, he was captured in the bushes! - cial Typewriter Offer. Remington $15, Smith Premier 4.50, Underwood $35. Any other standard makes quoted P.Ritzheimer, 224 West 42nd St., N. Y. City | Sk; upon request. SWEET CHARITY “*By the way,” said Mrs. De Style. **Yes?” **Do you know of any poor person who would care for a discarded lorgnette?” ¥ The horse that bit, kicked, and struck a Policeman last Sunday was only taking a turn at New York’s most popular sport. The Broadway restaurant business has improved in twenty years from petty to grand larceny. | The old sort of wine-agent who expended vast sums upon the firm’s beverages in order to induce others to buy is becoming extinct. Amateur volunteers have taken his place. | world caught up with Moore, and to-day the shoe pinches on the other foot— George who is a belated critic of the ‘‘New Art” (most of it as stale as the Medes Quod THE SEVEN ARTS (Continued from page 9) reached his room he found his boots full of blood. So there is sporting temper in him. Anyone reading his ‘Esther Waters” may see that he knows the racing | stable by heart. In “Vale” he describes his father’s stable at Castle Moore, County Mayo. This writer is well-born—slightly self-conscious of the fact—and also rich. The mystery to his fellow-penmen is that he should have worked so strenuously during the past thirty years. Of course, this is neither the time nor the place to attempt an estimate of his work, for who may say what fresh outbursts, what new imprudences in black and white, we may expect? He has paid his respects to his fellow countrymen, and is | heartily despised by all camps, political, religious, artistic. He has belittled the | work of Lady Gregory, Yeats, and Edwin Martyn, and has rather patronized John M. Synge; the latter, possibly, because Synge was “discovered” by Yeats, not Moore. Yet do we enjoy the vagaries of George Moore. I only saw him once, a long time ago, to be precise, in 1901, at Bayreuth. He looked more like a bird than Yeats, though his beak is not so predaceous as Yeats’; a golden-crested bird, with a Parted, But Closer Than Ever Wine Jelly when flavored with Abbott's Bitters is made more delightful and healthful. Sample of bitters by mail, 25 cts. in stamps. C. W. Abbott & Co., Baltimore, Md. chin as diffident as a poached egg, and with melancholy pale blue eyes, and an ‘undecided gait. He talked of the Irish language as if it were the only redemption for poor unhappy Ireland. In “‘ Vale” there is not the same enthusiasm. He dwells with more delight on his early Parisian experiences—it is the best part of the book 17 % x ; ; Y JU Y ly > Y Uf 4 fy 4 7 When % Your Host Y says wine, say Cook’s—he’ll know you for a sensible per- son, and a connoisseur. WY IFR WM, we Ss Wi GY, RSQ Yy Y “4 Ut, Cv on y IEsxtra Drs .Champag SrIe * > 4} has the flavor, the bou- quet, the purity and the sparkle — every-| thing but the foreign S 7 Xy RN SNYY YY on. Sold Everywhere 4, Served Everywhere 7, AMERICAN WINE CO, ST. LOUIS Y 2s SOME GIRLS The smiles they wear, the pleasant air, The kittenish, coy ways of them; Their glances bright, their spirits light- When steadies call at 8 p.m. The frowns they wear, the sullen air, The catty-scratchy way of them; Their patience slight, their pick-a-fight— When mothers call at 8 a.m. MAN WITHOUT A COUNTRY UNCLE ABNER: We’ve got a case of —and to my way of thinking the essential George Moore is to be found only in treason right in this town. Paris; London is an afterthought. The Paris of Manet, Monet, Degas, Whistler, AUNT ABBY: Treason? Mercy! Who Huysmans, Zola, Verlaine, and all the ‘“‘new’’ men of 1880—what an unexplored vein is it? he did work for the profit and delectation of the English-speaking world. True critical yeoman’s work, for to preach impressionism twenty-five years ago in London UNCLE ABNER: It seems incredible, but it’s Ephram Tetlow. Down at the store was to court a rumpus. What hard names were rained upon the yellow head of to-day he took the radical and unpatriotic — George Moore—that color so admired by Manet and so wonderfully painted by ground that one American can’t lick ten him — by the academic camp. your true Celt always has on tap. He even “went for” the Pre-Raphaelites, a band of overrated mediocrities— on the pictorial side, at least— though John Millais was a big talent—and for years was as a solitary prophet in a city of Philistines. The and Persians), and many are the wordy battles waged now at the Cafe Royal, it iS circus passes): Where are the He replied with all the vivacity of vocabulary which Mexicans! DURN SHAME! TWENTY -FOUR-HOUR MAN (with the bills you should have in your windows ? HICKVILLE STOREKEEPER (irritably): London, when Augustus John happens in of an evening and finds the author of Aw, why in tarnation didn’t yer other “*Modern Painting’? denouncing Debussy in company with Matisse and other Post Imitators. well to go to bed not too late in life, else some impertinent youngster may cry aloud: ‘‘What’s that venerable grand-daddy doing up at this time of night?” To each generation its ideals, its critics. | 7 ff Bottled only by the Brewers Supe Beadleston & Woerz, | NEW YORK | Seer co advance- agent leave menagerie pictures Manet, like Moore, is “‘old hat” (vieux chapeau) for modern youth. It’s instead uv lady trapeze artists? The Purity League made me take ’em all down! v The world, the flesh, and the devil aren’t so much, individually. It’s their superb team- work that makes them so very formidabie. HENRY LINDENMEYR & SONS PAPER WAREHOUSE $2, 34 and 86 Bleecker Street ‘ , Ne BRANCH WaRKHOUSK: 20 Keekman Street § nw Vors All kinds of Paper made to order

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Drawn ey NELSON GREENE SOCIETY’S NEXT?

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Quorw - Dire ConFusion. 7 John Henry was keeping company with Myrtle Marie, and when the father Old— of the latter returned from the office one evening he was timidly approached , ; by his prettv daughter. | aged until every drop re ;} « Papa,” said the fair one, “did John Henry call on you this morning ?” rare and mellow. That's | “Yes,” answered the paternal one, “but I couldn’t make out much of what what gives the flavor in aot ® to Old “Couldn’t make out what he said!” returned Myrtle Marie, wonderingly. | «What do you mean?” I. W. | “As ~ as I ~— geen gel explained Papers “he ca - —— a , marry me; that you had enough money to support him, and that we ha Harper Whiskey. For ale loved eo other, so I told ier 00 go Sous and write it out in plain fifty years that flavor has English.” — Exchange. . been the favorite. It’s . DIARY September 30, 1818. velvety richness never | He Dipn’r Care. | Doms ond L. till we seape Ge the ten varies. Your Grandfather | This tale happened in Chicago, where the general breeziness of the West | over some good OLD OVERMOLT RYE, chose Old I. W. is shared by the waiters in the restaurants | se YE Sa egy A gentleman prominent in judicial circles had entered a cafe and was! Old Overholt Rye HARPER immediately approached by one of these knights of the napkin, who remarked, **Same for 100 years’’ ‘ cheerily: ; ; ; It’s pure, mellow flavor and because he knew it was ‘I have deviled kidney, pigs’ feet, and calves’ brains.” rare fragrance have helped to the best. Today you The jurist surveved him coolly. ; | smooth over many an argument. can find no finer “Have you?” he replied. ‘Well, what are your ailments to me? I came} Pi ta of sincerity between in here to eat."—Sunday Magazine. Aged in charred oak barrels, | sas bse tidal | distilled and bottled in bond. A. OVERHOLT & CO. BERNHEIM DISTILLING Co. | Pittsburgh, Pa. LouIsviLte, Ky. | ’ o | ies } 7 ‘Tip in TIME. | — . ~ > wD The ferret-eyed little man stepped | Dip Hi: PART. . across the street-car aisle’ and whis- A little boy of five was invited to a pered into the ear of the tall chap in | children’s party. ‘he next day he was a gray suit: giving an account of the fun, and “You’d better wipe that bit of egg said that each of the little visitors had off your chin. The income-tax man | | contributed either a song, a recitation, is just two seats in front of you.”— | -or music for the pleasure of the rest. Lndtanapolts Star. “Oh, poor little Jack!” said his mother. ‘“ How very unfortunate you DELUGE WARNING could do nothing !” P = onl Will Z Yes, I could, mother,” replied the .— ; asleep. some- Zz ROF.—Jones is asleep = young hopeful. “I stood up and said one tap him on the head ? V. F. R.—Don’t do it; you ’ll flood the room.—Juck-o’- Lantern. | my prayers! ""— San Francisco Star. New Duty. EW BOOKS—“The Hair’’—'ts physiology, anatomy. diseases and treatment — a scientific treatise published by the European specialist, H. Achershang, M.M.D. (Norway), bas made a great sensa- tion. “Its wonderfal results have astonished the medical profession.""—News. The Book, WITH SWORN STATE- MENTS and doctors’ endorsements, is sent FREE on re- + | $6 re : Whiz ] } ceipt ot 6c. for postage. &c. Address the author, H. THE SEREN ADE | ” = Pose _ shall _ ue -£0OS nteliligencer. “Mabel, I’m drawn on the grand jury.” *So am I, Gertrude.” “Our responsibilities will be heavy.” Achershaug, M.M.D., 500—5th Ave., (P. A.), New York. wear?” ~ oat | ‘“\VHAT would you do when first GREAT BEAR SPRING WATER. ‘ 20 “Its Purity Has Made It Famous.” employed to bring an action?” asked 50c. per case of 6 glass stoppered bottles. | an examiner of a young candidate for | the legal profession. ‘Ask for a retaining fee,” was the UNIVERSAL EpipDEMIC prompt reply. He passed.— Zivingston Mr. Roger W. Babson says that:in looking up appendicitis cases he learned Lance. that in seventeen per cent..of the operations for that disease the post-mortem examinations showed that.the appendix was in perfect condition. “The whole subject,” he adds, “reminds me of a true story I heard in London recently. In the: hospitals there, the ailment of the patient, when he OA. rich whiskey is admitted, is denoted by certain letters, such as ‘T. B.’-for tuberculosis. An with the flavor American doctor was examining these history slips When his curiosity was ofan old vinta aroused by the number on which the letters ‘G. O. K.’ appeared. He said Bottled Old fashioned dis to the physician who was showing him around: -+ in Bond tillation— ripened ‘*-'There seems to be a severe epidemic of this G. O. K. in London. What by age only, is it, anyhow?’ O ‘***QOh, that means “God onlv knows,”’ replied the English physician.” — Open Door. PEBBLE FORD ’”? ° REVEREND PERSON (doing an odd job-on the church fence). — You appear ‘ 7 to be watching me very closely, boy. Bo you take an interest in carpentry? | Old Fafhioned Boy.—No. Oo i aa ie i ™ ee a THE FORMULA REVEREND Person.—Then what are you waiting for: uly still and say nothing; then all the % world says you’re wise” ai Boy.—-I’m_ waitin’ to hear wot a parson says when ’e ’its ‘is fumb wiv the Sure. All you have to do is sit) sa mmer.— Punch. Kentucky Bour bon > “TI am inclined to think,” said a man, “that our friend, Mr. Grafton Grabb, was created on the Sabbath.” ” CLEAR SPRING DISTILLING CO., “For what reason ? . ; BOURBON, NELSON COUNTY, KY Every lover of a good cocktail should insist that “We are told that an honest man is the noblest work of the Creator, Abbott’s Bitters be used in making it : ins a - 4 71 } ting the very best. C. W. Abbott & Go, Baltimore, ma. nd also that on the seventh day the Creator rested.” — 7it- Bits.

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Drawn sy WILL HAMMELL DN = < ca = = MN = = Pay < None But the Brave Deserve the Fair