Puck 1914-01-24: Vol 75 Iss 1925

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*Seecesco™™ What Congress Did Last Week. Reconvened Monday, Jan. 12, <t noon, hav- ing stood in recess since Dec. 23, 1913, the dav on which President Wilson signed the Federal Reserve Act, commonly called the Currency Bill. House.— Speaker Clark opened the session, with slightly more than half a full House. Dis- trict of Columbia appropriation bill passed be- fore first day’s adjournment, carrying a provision requiring the remission to the Federal Treasury of unexpended balances in past fiscal year’s ap- propriations. This means the Republicans were caught napping, as the Democratic leaders have shown a consistent disposition to restrict Dis- trict appropriations whenever possible, and whether practicable or not. Too much artistic adornment of the capital city makes odious comparison with home cities of members. Post-office appropriation bill reported, ordered printed for consideration ‘Thursday, Jan. 22. Alaskan legislation under consideration in general debate, as counter-irritant to Mexican imbroglio. Free transportation to that section has not yet been provided by legislation, how- ever, for those Americans ordered out of Mexico by the Administration. Run like H——” is still the watchword in Mexico. Vocational education debated. Minority Leader James R. Mann (M.C-. from Ill.), is now an ill M.C. He has pneumonia, but not bad. He never takes things seriously, as a rule. Congressman Curley has been separated from the Massachusetts delegation, and made Mayor of Boston. It is also very chilly in Washington. Senate.— Reassembled with Vice-President Marshall in the chair. Senator Lodge, long absent on account of a serious operation, returns and receives general felicitations. Senate sends to committee Ashurst resolution to probe Calumet strike. Senate sends to Interstate Commerce Com- mittee, Newlands, Chairman, his resolution to investigate alleged shipping rebates to Steel Trust. » Railroads in Alaska and good roads dis- cussed. Memorial on prevention of polygamy presented. President nominates John Skelton Williams, of Virginia, to be Comptroller of the Currency, “to fill the existing vacancy.” Opposition to confirmation disclosed, and Wall Street antag- onisms are discussed. Committee consideration of credentials offered by Blair Lee, Democrat, of Maryland, in support of claim to seat now held by W. P. Jackson, Rep. (appointed by Gov. Goldsborough to fill vacancy caused by death of Senator Isidor Rayner). Also credentials of Senator Glass, of Alabama, appointed by governor to fill vacancy caused by death of Senator Joseph F. Johnson. Both cases rest on interpretation of the new Direct Election of Senators amendment to the Constitution. In Maryland, the governor directed the senatorship voted on at the Novem- ber election and Lee was chosen. Jackson claims right to seat by virtue of the same governor’s appointment. Lee likely to be given favorable committee action.

Glass claims appointment by governor is only proper action pending session of Alabama Legislature. Committee likely to hold that vacancy cannot be filled until Legislature author- izes means of complying with new amendment to Constitution, and that meanwhile Alabama must get along with only one Senator. — Rival candidates for the full term are Oscar W. Un- derwood, House floor-leader, and Richmond Pearson Hobson, his Congressional colleague, of Merrimac fame. ¥ What the Supreme Court Did Last Week. ‘The sessions were marked by the importance of the cases being argued, rather than decided. There were no important decisions handed down. Foremost in interest were the contempt cases against Samuel Gompers, Jolin Mitchell, and Frank Morrison, fellow-officials of American Federation of Labor, the trials and appeals in which have been in progress for past seven years. On the outcome of present proceedings will depend whether the defendants shall go to jail to serve the sentences imposed upon them by Justice Dan Thew Wright, of the District of Columbia Supreme Court, for contempt of tha court in the alleged boycotting of the Bucks Stove and Range Co. A case of even more general popular interest before the Court is that growing out of the wreck of the Zitanic. The Court is called upon to decide the ab stract question of law as to whether the owners of this British steamship are entitled to have their liability for the $1 3.000.000 claims for loss of life and prop- erty limited in accordance with the American limited-liability act of 1851—which would limit the liability to about $90,000, which is the aggregate sum of salvage. plus the passenger and freight money of 7Zifanic's maiden and last voyage. The Court may also find itself called upon to answer the additional question as to whether the owners may have their liability measured by British law, in case American law is decided to be non-applicable. New Cases Docketed.—One involves the constitutionality of industrial insurance laws, of broad popular jnterest. Another is to determine whether Federal officig)ss lege, thority, under the purefood law, PaRtOe,. statements printed in circulars englosgd atent-medicjne packages in addition t a de: such judidial authority over similar declarations borne on labels. The Court did not have a full bench last week, owing to the illness of Associate Justice Lurton on account of asthma. ‘The possible effect of this absence on the pending contempt cases against Gompers ef a/. is, that in the event of the Court becoming dead-locked, four to four, the appeal would fail, and the three labor leaders would have to enter upon their jail sentences. th ° Official denials were fordiicéming on published reports that several members, of the Goyrt were contemplating respinin cof “sctitiog Tropt active service.

What the President Did Last Week. Concluded his holiday rest at Pass Christian and returned to the White House on the early morning of Jan. 13. (The thirteenth is the Wilson lucky day.) In the morning the Presi- dent heard from his Cabinet advisers how glad they were he had gotten safely away from the vicinity of Mexico. ‘The President intimated he wished he could get further away, with the help of his Cabinet, including Secretary Bryan. rhe premier is disposed to help, provided he can help out. Recent developments indicate a continuance of prevailing winds. No prog- nostications are yet vouchsafed as to a favoring tide setting in. The thirteenth is undoubtedly the President's lucky day. After a restful afternoon, planning “pitiless publicity” against the ‘Trusts and inter- locking directorates, the President shook hands with 2,073 diplomats and others—or vice versa. It was so reported to him by the comptometers. The President himself did not take the count. Nearly all the Diplomatic Corps notables were present, both the ambassadors and other en- voys, and their wives, presenting a pleasing plenitude of pulchritude. Guests were treated to the liquid strains of the Marine Band and pineapple punch, as well as other delicacies. (Punch is the technical term.) Among the noted Administration supporters present from New York were Congressman Fitzgerald, Robert Bacon, and George W. Wickersham. Champ Clark was also noted. It was inadvertently omitted higher up in this review that the oc- casion was the annual official reception to the Diplomatic Corps. As the next reception of this class will not be held until the winter of 1915, it is hoped that by that time General Huerta will be able to attend without neglect- ing any official duties at home. Meanwhile his New Year’s Greetings to W. W. remain on file. se NF What the Cabinet Did. Owing to the Wilson home-coming cele- bration the Cabinet was not much in the humor for serious things. Chasing the glooms is such a serious business in some of the depart- ments nowadays that the time of Cabinet sessions is reserved largely for optimism—when (and if) possible. The Mexican pleasantry was referred to the State Department, and instantly referred back. It is not called a come-back, however, officially. “Watchful waiting” is the phrase. Provisional President Huerta’s declaration of January 6: “Both W. W. and I will dwell in. hell before I resign,” was referred to the Bureau of Mines and Explosives, on the ground that it was only a report. As several members believed Huerta was laboring under a delusion, the reference was changed to the Department of Labor. Shortly afterward the Cabinet got down to business, but beyond discussing Federal Reserve cities, rural credits, and anti-Trust legislation, little else was accomplished. The Administra- tion dves not wish to get too many irons in the fire at one time—there will be enough grilling The Cotast Hes *béeh’ in session, since,. « and Toasting to reach around in case the civil- Jan. 5, and no date foy ASspring réegss handecpie: *: service regulations are riddled to provide mor- indicated.» ¢ «* 2% Tt fees s S ege Seer ‘tee #* oe ee Oe Pe

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22tiFfS Ae 2@e 222. a= FS & a¢e~%s ee = = = = ss @]eee.2£+.teTFt = SSS SSS 44ew =” —sge* S$ 8 vo = & Ss LS o% 6” eS VW, G9? FS = Wy, “my, @ Yy “ny, Y Wy . , , ; - ily We Y. MAYER, the world-famous Cartoonist, will devote his entire time to My Wy Puck, beginning next spring. He will devote two months to visiting the capitals of Europe, and getting in touch Mr. Mayer is sailing for Europe the latter part of this month. with the very best artists in every country, arranging with each of them for regular contributions to Puck. Mr. Mayer's work for Puck will be foreshadowed by what he is to do in Europe. That is, he will not only furnish cartoons of his own, but he will exercise a general supervising function over the entire art work of Puck. Mr. Hy. Mayer will be Puck's Art Director. We have set out to get the best in every field. As a first step, we tried in the field of caricature to get the best. In Mr. Hy. Mayer we think we have found the man. Puck is in the market for contributions of all sorts, provided they are of unusual merit— caricatures, funny drawings, freak drawings, and color work, as well as literary contributions, either prose or verse, of a humorous character. Puck requires each week one unusually good humorous story of between 1,000 and 2,000 words, and will pay liberally for it. As between stories of equal merit, the shorter one will have the preference. Communications or contributions, whether manuscripts, drawings, or printed matter of any description, should always be accompanied by a self- addressed stamped envelope, cover, or wrapper. Copies of the front cover of this issue of Puck, printed on rich, heavy paper, 14x12 inches, full color, suitable for framing, may be obtained from the Puck office. These special proofs have no printed matter whatever on them,-—just the picture itself. One of these proofs will be mailed postpaid to any part of the world on receipt of 15c. in U. S. stamps or currency. Saeed Co Se? Fee. ae Oke ee Ge 9 eee CSS ee eeese ses batd Se

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Published by PUCK PUBLISHING CORPORATION. NATHAN STRAUS, Jr., Pres. H. GRANT STRAUS, Sec. and Treas. 295-309 Lafayette Street, New York. A. H. FOLW&LL, Editor. No. 1925. WEEK ENDING JANUARY 24, 1914. $5.00 per year. $2.50 for six months. $1.25 for three months, Payable in advance. Copyright, 1914, by Puck Publishing Corporation. All Rights Reserved. Entered at N. Y. P. O. as Second-Class Mail Matter. “What Fools Ghese Mortals Be!” RIENDS of Mr. BRYAN declare there is a conspiracy afoot to discredit the Secretary, and, if possible, to cause his withdrawal from the WILSON Cabinet. It will not succeed. Mr. BRYAN thrives on the attempts of his foes to discredit him. If recollection serves us aright, he has been a “ discredited man” since 1896, the year that he first ran for the Presidency. He was so “discredited” in 1896 that he was re-nominated in 1900. He was so “discredited” in 1904 that ALTON B. PARKER, who represented the very opposites of Mr. BRYAN in the Democratic Party, received something less than a national vote of confidence. He was so “discredited” in 1908 that his party came back to him in choosing a candidate. And so completely “discredited” was he in 1912 that, disclaiming ail desire to be nominated again, Mr. BRYAN, through sheer personal force, dominated the Baltimore Convention in behalf of an honest Democracy, and fought his foes—those who now are busily engaged in “ discrediting” him—into a state of absolute and humiliating collapse. If it be really their desire to embarrass Mr. Bryan, why do not these latter-day conspirators try to “boost” him? The discrediting propaganda has been tried for nearly eighteen years with boomerang results. ‘2 JN the opinion of Dr. CYRUS TOWNSEND BRADY, what every woman wants is a husband, not a vote. One advantage, however, a vote has over a husband. Any one who exercises the right of suffrage knows that a ballot, if damaged, may be ex- changed for a perfect one without fuss or undue embarrassment. This is not so in the case of husbands. Here the process of exchange is diffi- cult, long, and ofttimes expensive. Womankind should ponder deeply ere deciding that Dr. BRADY is right. A perfectly good ballot is better than a damaged husband any day. Ne OF all the tragic items in recent daily news, none has more sobs in it than the following: “The report which was given out that ADOLFO DE LA LAMA, HuERTA’S agent in Paris, had obtained a big loan there, was due to a mistake in a cable dispatch in which the word ‘ not’ was omitted.” HUERTA has joined that adamant band who “never believe any- thing they see in the papers.” ‘e heaps procession this—one hundred engineers walking dry-shod from Manhattan to Brooklyn, 700 feet below the surface of the East River, signalizing completion of the great water -supply tunnel. — 1T’s not always bigness that makes a Trust harmful. It ’*5s small- | ness that is) the Tene of the National Academy, for with 1,600 works of art submitted there is room for only 250 in the salon. NTI-TRUST bills, drawn under the direction of Representative CLAYTON, foreshadow the policy of the WILSON Administration to be to com- pel the segregation rather than the disintegration of “ big business,” the abolition of interlocking directorates, the stopping of price manipula- tions, the enforcement of publicity in cor- poration operations, and prison penalty for offenders. More drastic remedies for monopoly are to be reserved against future necessity. M* race, Says BOOKER T. WASHING- TON, is the only one that has ever been associated with the white people that has not deteriorated. When the credit is passed around, let not the Pullman porter be forgotten. In his bright lexicon there is no such word as deterioration. = JAcos Ris, once called by ROOSE- VELT “New York’s most useful citizen,” declares himself amazed at the development of will-power and force of cnaracter displayed by Presi- dent WILSON. ‘“ Words are good when backed up by deeds, and only so” — that was one of THEODORE’S favorite precepts. Perhaps Friend JAKE will admit that the finest fulfilment of it in political life is not ROOSEVELT, but WILSON. “a [® CHARLES W. ELIOT, former President of Harvard, has invented the “Twentieth Century Religion,” and expounders of various historic faiths are entering claims for infringement. Really his faith is a reductio ad personam, his ruling idea being that a man should hold fast to that which appeals to him. In short, he would introduce into the realm of faith the free eclecticism that he established at Harvard. 7 THERE are 1,127,940 registered motor-cars in the United States, one for every 84 persons. And the 1914 crop is estimated at 350,000. Automobile statistics are becoming more and more amazing. What boots it if there be freight-cars idle so long as there be no list of idle motor-cars? It is only a question of time when we shall have an Inter-state Joy-riding Commission. = [HERBERT PARSONS, OGDEN MILLS, and “ Our HARRY” STIMSON, the high-brows and fat-purses of Progressive Republicanism, undertook to reorganize the G. O. P. in New York State. While they are still wondering what really happened, Steam-Roller BARNES has captured the organization of the Assembly, and the real Progressives are laughing at those of the little “ p.” xe * MES cannot tango with the devil and walk with God,” is the epi- grammatic preachment of an irate New Jersey clergyman. Castle walk? nT

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Grow (_OMMISSION finds HARRY K, THAW sane, which disturbs none except - ex-District-Attorney JEROME, Dr. AUSTIN FLINT, and the slayer’s whilom wife, unless it be the newspaper editors, who imagine the public regards THAW as a first-page serial. ‘Ne T* Emperor of Germany has taken up wood-chopping for his imperial health. Flattering imitation of the Emperor of Oyster Bay. A short time, and His Majesty will feel like the German for a Bull Moose. Ne [yponrr is the pen. With a column of small type in The Times an engineer-author sinks Gatun Dam. “= “I believe an old man is en- titled to a drink,” says Dr. Stephen Smith of this town. A man is as old ashe feels, Dos. bh: jae sentences confirmed by U. S. Circuit Court of Appeals in cases of President RYAN and twenty- =: three other members of the Inter- national Association of Structural Iron Workers ; six other defendants remanded for new trial. They were convicted of conspiracy in dynamiting structures on which non-union labor was employed. 7 Now it is proposed to apologize to Colombia and pay $25,000,000 for taking the Panama Canal Zone. This is an extravagant way to show that America has a conscience. And. after all, if this plan goes through, it will represent the conscience of only a part of the nation, for the. great body of the people believe that the acquisition of the zone from the Republic of Panama was both legal and equitable. e LD DOCTOR WILEY has left off his warfare on impure food long enough to analyze all the living Presidents of the U.S.A., past and present. He diagnoses Col. ROOSEVELT as an opportunist, Judge TAFT as a “ complete supporter of the worst class of food adulterators,” and President WILSON as_ not HE Presidential seat in Portugal is quite as much of a rocking-chair as the throne from which MANUEL was catapulted, with the prisons overcrowded and the people thinking they would be better off with a king who ran after a dancer than with a President who maintains an army of spies. ‘e UT of Boston comes an ultimatum. Dr. HUGH CABOT, of the Back Bay district, holds that, if women want men to reform, they must not tempt them. It is, we fear, a little too late to mend. See ADAM’s testimony in the Eden case: “ And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and | did eat.” “g ~ PEAKING at the National Conference on race betterment, the Rev. ~/ NEWELL DWIGHT HILLIs referred to the Bowery: “A crowded district like that,” he said, with emphasis, “ presents a problem that cannot be solved by physicians.” An inventor, he added, would solve it, and it would be done by producing an electric car capable of traveling two hundred miles in fifteen minutes. Then, the clergyman argued, workmen could live in the country. Yes? Can it be that Dr. HILLIS never heard of real- estate speculation, ground-rents, and so forth ? What is going to happen to land-values, two hundred miles away from New York, when it is possible to cover that distance in fifteen minutes by public air-conveyance ? We leave it to Dr. HILLIS to guess. “ The country” may become like “the model tenement ”— too expensive for the poor man to live in. ‘ T® year’s crop of good advice bids fair to be a bumper. JOHN D. leads off with this one, aiming especially at young men: “ Above all things be honest, honest with your- self and with those with whom you deal.” And he might have added: ‘“‘ As the railroad-rebate game isn’t nearly as safe as it used to be in my day.” = It is proper self-defense to sabre a cripple who jeers at a soldier, according to the German Army court-martial in the Zabern case. xe THe unscrambling goes on apace. J. P. MORGAN & Co. start the unlocking of interlocked directorates; Telephone Trust relin- quishes Western Union; New Haven Railroad divorces Boston having “risen to the occasion.” Yes, there is an old saying about the jaundiced eye. - P. EFORMED train-robber is a candidate for Governor of Oklahoma. Wherein is he less qualified than an unreformed politician ? e josera CHAMBERLAIN, who has represented Birmingham in the British Parliament for thirty- seven years, announces his retire- ment. As a Radical he rose to great eminence and power, then became a Conserva- tive and lost his grip on the public. = \HEN somebody applies the FORD plan of a $5 mini- mum day-wage to a brewery, the hobo’s dream of Utopia will have come true. Ne & Maine, trolley lines, and three steamship companies ; New York Central next on the list. ‘e | “OUNT BONI DE CASTELLANE, the divorced husband of ANNA GOULD, has had his mar- riage to her annulled on the ground that she married him with a mental reservation, intending to divorce him if she chose to do so. What a crop of mental reservations will spring up if the civil courts get at work on this idea! hat Far-Western State will be the first to establish men- tal reservation as a ground for divorce? ~~ \/it# HENRY FORD putting it in the limelight in winter, and Ty COBB performing a simi- lar service in summer, Detroit needs no efficiency expert in its publicity department. ‘= D*: VAN DE WATER says there are 750,000 unmarried men and women, under thirty - five years, in New York City. THE BOOMERANG- THROWERS. THEY AIM AT SECRETARY BRYAN, ONLY THEMSELVES. ENNSYLVANIA RAILROAD _ in 1913 carried 111,000,000 passengers without killing one. BpuT THEY Hurt

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tM 1 a 4 ae MTT ae TT LOVE’S YOUNG DREAM. YounG ARTIST.— Well, my dear, I just got $10 for that drawing I made in an hour last night. His PRACTICAL WIFE.—-Oh, Gerald! Sundays, about $20,000 a year? THe COST GF it. HE Cashier shook his head decidedly. “In all candor,” he replied, “ I advise you not to begin stealing the funds of the bank. There is very little in it. You will have to spend about all pers, and that sort of thing, in order to keep the directors from becoming suspicious of you.” The Teller was deeply impressed, for it was evident that his chief spoke with knowledge. A PITY. Biggie are yez going in thot new shoot? Casty.—Oi’m going to ask old man Flannigan for his daughter’s hand. Cassipy.—Th’ divil! Ut seems a pity to ruin a new shoot thot way! NO CAUSE FOR ALARM. H ER FATHER (appearing suddenly over the wall).—Ah! young man; it’s you, eh? Did my daughter promise to meet you here? THe Younc Man (scared into telling the truth ). —Y-e-e-s, sir. She promised to meet you make for fast horses, wine-sup- __ A SINE QUA NON. e=- Visiror. — Now, would n’t better off working on a farm? MuLcaAHEY.— Mebbe so; cud I wor-rk on a farm an’ live in New York? me here a quarter of an hour ago; but—but— I have n’t—seen—anvthing—of—her. HER Fatuer (avgrily).—That is just like a woman, for all the world! They have no respect for an engagement whatever. You : - just stand here, and I’il go back to the house and find her. BLUEBEARD — FATIMA. Bluebeard and Fatima had a most charming wooing “Do vou dislike bright colors?” asked Bluebeard looking tenderly down into Fatima’s lustrous eyes **Not on your whiskers naiveté well becoming the occasion comes to going to sieep in a hat. but how the divil Do you realize that $10 an hour means $60 a day, or, not counting CIVIC LOYALTY. you be haapnngy ting anything makes me tired it is to listen to the twaddle of that fellow Eastman, of New York. Always speaks slur- ringly of Chicago. He said the other day that Chicago lacked tone, and that we were wofully deficient when it came to reckoning up our men of letters. Mrs. WaBasH. —Well, did n’t you convince him of his error? WaBasH.— I think so. I told him that I wasn’t sure, but I supposed that our tone was as loud as anybody’s; butas to the letters, statistics would show that the mail-order business of Chicago stood second in volume among the cities of the country. THE POOR SCHOLAR. i lag publish all the things he knew A hundred volumes took; And yet, he did not know enough To fill a pocket-book, ARISTOCRATIC PROFESSION. !” answered Fatima, with a M"s Hocasoom (of Chicago).— And in what profession is your brother, Lord Hamercy ? Lorp Hamercy.— Oh, when Algernon leaves Oxford University, don’t you know, I fancy he will take orders. Miss HoGABOOM (surprised ).—Yes? Well, there are some real nice gentlemen traveling for papa! an may be woman's superior, but she can give him aces and spades when it

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Seca, neionnaedccel PUCK SAYS: WHEN IN NEW YORK DON’T MISS: SEVEN KEYS TO BALDPATE, comedy . Astor POTASH & PERLMUTTER, comedy. . Cohan THE LITTLE CAFE, musical . New Amsterdam Ghieery, Gonads... o*, h Wallack’s MAUDE ADAMS, comedy ... . . . Empire PEG O’ MY HEART, comedy. ...... Cort wee : + els THESE ARE WELL WORTH YOUR WHILE: BILLIE BURKE, drama. ..... Lyceum WILLIE COLLIER, farce ........ Hudson _ YOUNG WISDOM, comedy ...... Criterion ELSIE FERGUSON, comedy....... Gaiety KITTY MacKAY, Scotch comedy. . . . Comedy FORBES ROBERTSON, drama . . . Manhattan YOU WOULD PROBABLY ENJOY: A THOUSAND YEARS AGO, drama . Shubert THE NEW HENRIETTA, comedy. Knickerbocker THE MISLEADING LADY, comedy. . . Fulton HIGH JINKS, musical. . i FRANCES STARR, drama......-. Belasco PRUNELLA, fantasy........- . . . Booth THINGS THAT COUNT, drama . . Playhouse GIRL ON THE FILM, musical... .. 44th St. “Yet, after all, Selecting a wife and buying a waist, Like choosing your play, Is a matter of taste.” LAST WEEK’S OPENINGS. (REVIEWS NEXT WEEK): OT ee ee eee QUEEN OF THE MO , ag aaa Globe DON’T WEAKEN ....... Maxine Elliott’s EE Pl a ee ee . . - Lyric WHIRL OF THE WORLD .. . Winter Garden And others. PUCK HOPES: HAT you will be a constant and interested + reader of our future theatrical pages, of which this is the first. The scope is wide; we shall not attempt to cover the entire theatrical field, confining our- - selves principally to the dramatic part. It will be our aim to glean.as much material as possible—separate the wheat from the chaff —and try and offer that which is worth the while. Essentially this is not a theatrical paper; so it is obvious that we have no axes to grind with any individuals or interests in the theatrical business; our interests lie entirely ‘with our readers. 2 On the other hand, we extend the right hand of fellowship to those*in the theatrical world; should we perchance appear at times to ridi- cule or satirize, never will it be with malice; we stand réady at all times to praise as well as criticize. With this outburst of elo- quence we beg to offer our best services to the general cause, viz.: the entertaining and amusing of the many readers of Puck. ‘ ° ‘ ‘ t . > ‘ ‘ e ’ , , ‘ ‘ + ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ a) +6 ‘’ ‘ r 9 ’ ’ ‘ . . ® ¢ ‘ ‘ ° ‘ ‘ 1 ‘ 4 a tT) . ‘ i. Racks Lipression 5) BY THAD LAWSON. WILLIAM COLLIER - - - in “A LITTLE WATER ON THE SIDE.” Speaking of Willie Collier, I made up my mind, before seeing his new comedy, that I would origi- nate some funny saying about him. The trouble is, seeing Willie has a peculiar effect on my partic- ular bump of humor—he inspires me to keep still. There’s only one thing to say—the same old thing — ‘‘he ’s excruciatingly funny;’’ and that from one who has recently suffered. However, what I got up to talk about was Willie’s new farce, ‘‘A Little-Water on the Side.’”’ You see it’slikethis. Soon after the curtain goes up, he comes on, and you laugh ; the longer he stays there, the more you laugh. Feeling ridiculous, you glance around you; noting that others are in the various stages of apparent insanity, you take a fresh start, and continuously annoy Willie with your cackling until the thing is over. Then you go home—try and imitate him—and you don’t get a ie If you think it ’s easy to be a comedian, just try stealing Collier's ‘‘ Lone Star’’ variety of comedy, and see how it goes. There’s no use trying to tell you about the plot or lines. It doesn’t sound funny to say ‘‘A man slipped down on the ice,’’ but to see it is some- times a scream. Go and see Collier; if he can’t make you laugh, PucK gives you up; there is only one thing left that we can recommend: try reading Dr. Cook’s lectures on how he reached the North Pole. - Hudson Theatre “YOUNG WISDOM” . - Criterion Theatre. With Mabel and Edith Taliaferro. It seems almost preposterous that such intelli- gent damsels as Victoria and Gail Claffenden could be so superficial and impressionable as to become hopeless victims of a doctrine about ‘trial marriage ’’ and kindred slush; and that their in- sanity should take such violent form that both start out the same night to put their theories into ractice, incidentally breaking up. their happy ome. Of course, people in plays must do these fool things to get into a good predicament, and indeed Rachel Crothers does get them there. I cheerfully forgive her for shocking my ideas of human intelligence, because of the rare treat that followed ; furthermore, by the last act I could not possibly have borne any ill-will against either her or the Taliaferro sisters, even though I knew they were diabolically plotting against my own mother-in-law. From the second act to the end the- comedy abounds in funny situations, witty lines, and exquisite satire. Naturally, to Edith and Mabel Taliaferro belon the spoils; I wondered which I liked best; I tried to compare, and found it like trying to compare two fast-revolving and iridescent pin-wheels; both emitting a shower of bright sparks, radiating on all around them. I could n’t compare them. They both have my permission to stay at the Criterion as long as they wish. Sm o .Y H 8 ov, ts e& ffi ES! 3 Yes : decennial: “rote Heese EE Then there was the character of Fefer, most ably played by Richard Sterling; to me, it was the most humorously human character in the play. I cannot refrain from using the one word that ex- presses it; he was a first-class ‘‘de luxe edition”’ of a ‘‘rummy,’’ the kind you and I know and meet every day. : ; In spite of the strain on our imagination at times —which is to be expected in comedy—the play entertains immensely. If the public want good, clean comedy, the two pin-wheels should radiate at the Criterion for some time to come. ¥ “ELIZA COMES TO STAY.” Garrick Theatre. Several of us assembled at the Garrick on a Sat- urday night for the same reason that A/iza did, viz., to ‘‘stay.”’ After the first act there was a universal call for the water-boy—yet we all ‘‘stayed ;’’ nobody raised the ‘‘ante’’—nobody held anything that even looked like ‘‘openers’’—so we all cheerfully drew cards for the second act. Act 2. The English players went at their work nobly ; they did all that human beings could do for that play ; they pushed it, jammed it, crowded it, at times they even kicked it twice in the same place—but all to no avail—it simply would n’t go over. Again we all ‘‘stood pat;’’ what else was there for us to do? Surely there must be some cards of interest left in the deck ! Alas! When it was too late we discovered it was a ‘‘bnm”’ deck ; I don’t believe there was anything higher than a seven-spot in it; small wonder that Isat there for two hours without even holding a a pair ” ! . Far be it from me to reflect in any way on the excellent and conscientious work of Eva Moore or H. V. Esmond and their company of. artists; I trust I may sometime have the pleasure of seeing them in something that is worth their while. Poor Eliza! Let us hope that her “staying” qualities are such that by the time this article is rinted she will have managed to keep out of the iscard. * MAUDE ADAMS in “THE LEGEND OF LEONORA.” Empire Theaire. If I were anactress I would certainly envy Maude Adams. To my mind, at least, whatever she does on the stage is delightful—because she does it. I venture to state that she has many other admirers who think asI do. We even loved her when she was impersonating a rooster. When an actress has reached that stage of per- fection she should worry about minor details, such as the play. Did you ever notice that peculiar type of woman who can wear gowns that other women cannot? The gowns may be so whimsical, flimsy, fantastic, impossible—that other women would look fright- ful in them—yet on her, adorable. While witnessing ‘‘The Legend of Leonora”’ I could n’t help thinking how that gown would look on some other actress if she were foolish enough to try and wear it; yet it seems to just fit Maude Adams, and I don’t think I ever saw her more effective than in tailor Barrie’s latest creation. Figuratively speaking, J. M. Barrie is in a class Z

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by himself when it comes to designing dramatic apparel for this particular star; as for using this style of gown for general purposes— well, you see it’s a bit too whimsi- cal—so overdrawn, improb- able, and besides “Say! Didn’t you just state that the general effect was delightful?” ‘*Certainly I did?”’ ‘*Then what are you kick- ing about ?”’ ‘I’m not kicking, I think it’s the bestin town, Selah!”’ ~ “KITTY MacKAY.” Comedy Theatre. Attending this new Scotch comedy caused me to break one of my New Year's reso- lutions. Becoming so enthused about the Scotch, I immedi- ately hunted up a Scotch friend of mine, named MacGregor, and together we drank a Scotch high-ball to the success of ‘*Kitty MacKay ;’’ possibly not in good taste, but a sincere tribute nevertheless, “Kitty MacKay ”’ is a good play; not what you would call a sensation, but a good, clean, entertain- ing comedy ; the sort that particularly appeals to those who revelin character studies; in this respect it rises much above the ordinary. The plot is simple, yet interwoven with human interest; it’s not so much what the characters do, as the way they do it; not so much what they say, as the way they say it. To me, at least, Molly McIntyre and Margaret Nybloc would be entertain- ing reciting excerpts from a seed-catalogue; their Scotch dialect is delicious; their satiric remarks on religion were convulsing. You must follow the dialogue closely ; wit and satire flash out unexpectedly, and as suddenly they blend into human pathos in a manner that is most effective. Yes, the Scotch dialect bothers you a little at first — unless, of course, you happen to be wearing a pair of Scotch ears—but as Mag Duncan says: ‘It's very interesting when you know the code.” TWO OF HIS STAGE HELPMATES IN Turandot’s Dream in “HA Thousand Wears Ago.” If you appreciate true-to-nature character sketches, and enjoy the type of comedy that ele- vates as well as entertains,—Scotch or no Scotch— go see “ Kitty.”’ - “A THOUSAND YEARS AGO.” Shubert Theatre. This play suggests that the Shuberts are running an. ambitious rival to the Hippodrome at their theatre on 44th Street. WILLIAM COLLIER One has to dig deep for adjectives that are suitable to express the staging of ** A Thousand Years Ago;" “‘superb,’’ “grand,” “mag nificent,’’ ‘‘ gorgeous,’’ help some. Fine feathers don’t neces- sarily make fine birds, yet this particular play is a bird with brilliant plumage—and I immediately looked up the name of the stage-director ; it’s J. C. Huffman—all power to him As scene after scene of Oriental splendor passes be- fore your vision, it leaves a dreamy, soothing effect ; vou feel as though vou were worth money. Thanks to the aforesaid Huffman, the plot, while antique and hack- neved, does not annoy you; it is well acted and in keep- ing with the scenery, which is all that is really necessary. It relates of a beggar who be- comes an emperor for a day, and incidentally straightens out the love affairs of a princess, and gives our old friend Henry E. Dixey a part (the beggar), in which he coruscates and twinkles brilliantly. The unfolding of the story—simple as it is—with such artistic and gorgeous scenes, makes the play well worth an evening, especially to those who love good old-fashioned romance when set in an ideal background. The incidental music is dreamy, the general atmosphere soporific ; it’s the style of a play that Philadelphiaus would revel in. 5 PRODUCTIONS GALORE. Since the New Year our producers have been giving New York an unprecedented number of new productions. Perhaps this is caused by some- body worrying about playless theatres Let us hope that it is not a case of haste makes waste. In any event it will be a case of a survival of the fittest, and some have already fallen by the wayside, , : “A LITTLE WATER ON THE SIDE.”

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Breve THE PUCK PRESS VIVISECTIC THE CRITICS AN} THI

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AN) THE CRITICIZED.

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FLATTERY. “ @’o0 Dick and Daisy have My made up? By George! After the way she laid him out I never expected it. How did he pacify her?” * He told her that he’d rather quarrel with her than kiss any other girl.” IN BOSTON. a2 we I grow up,” said the first boy, “I hope to be a physician. Is it not noble to spend one's life in curing the ills to which flesh is heir?” “True,” said his kind- hearted young companion, “but it seems cruel to kill the poor little microbes.” AN EXPERT. te DARLING.—Is Harry Singleton a good skater? Dotty DEERING. — Perfectly lovely! He had to hug me six or seven times to keep me from falling. ITS MEANING. age: what does “carrying coals to Newcastle” mean? ProFessoOR BROADHEAD — About the same as shipping beer to Milwau- kee, mv son. THE TEST. JUST FOR LUCK. MisTaAH CLAUDE.— What is dat you done gwine to cook, Miss Coopah ? Miss Coopan.— Welsh rabbit, Mistah Claude. MIstAH CLAUDE.— So ? hin’ foot ob him. Ah ’ll be ’bliged to you if yo’ gib me de lef’ ; ew me, sir,” said the thin passenger with the sandy side-whis- kers, “but I judge from youl conversation that you are known as the Human Hercules?” “Yes, sir; that’s who I am,” answered thestrong man, proudly. “You can lift ten tons in harness?” “Yes, sir; that’s my record.” “You can hold five hundred-weight at arm’s length?” * Ves, sir.’ “And put up nine hundred pounds with one arm?” ‘Ves, sir.” ‘¢And sixteen hundred- weight with two?” ‘¢Ves, sir.” “Well, then, would you kindly raise this car window for me? It’s evidently stuck a little.” “You ’ll excuse me, sir,” said the strong man, stiffly, ‘but my manager makes all the arrangements for my tests of strength and endurance; be- sides,” and it was noticed that the modern Samson was ill at ease, “I’m not in training.” ’ | er you ever noticed that the fire of genius Wes you undertake to fight the devil with =” | ‘HE success of a book depends not so much sometimes experiences difficulty in making the pot boil ? fire, don’t underestimate the amount of ammunition he carries. upon the man who writes it as upon the one who writes it up. By Wight ——— Appearances are Deceitful ——— By Day. And many (Her prit To learn hi Was nev Not old wa Of broo! Her form \ Her year Her eyes w In cheek From her s A winnil But the chi AS any e A sigh, ab A glance A silvery | A lock o What mani With sp She ruled s Asking | (A master | For this While the | He carrit To a castle Where t! HE |} “ iy? hi way. Bi was ther ing teno! donna. ‘ presence stepped during on she came That can TH OBIN me! LITTLt have we | Rosin we'll hav pany and can be th the musi tender; y I—I’ll be ‘The the sket: in the li “No, there, b to New

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| Not old was she, like the storied witch —— . THE WITCH. WITCH once dwelt at a certain place Ona certain street in a certain town, And far about for a wonderful space Was Spread her high renown. And many a man who sought her gate (Her principal visitors were men) To learn his fortune and read his fate Was never the same again. | Of broomstick flight and of Salem lore. Her form with the bloom of health was rich, Her years were scarce a score. Her eyes were roguish, her lips were red. In cheeks and chin the dimples played; From her slender foot to her saucy head A winning and winsome maid. As any employed by withered dame: A sigh, a blush, and a shell-pink ear— A glance of lambent flame — | A silvery laugh and a dainty hand — A lock of hair where the sunbeams lurk — What manner of mortal can long withstand With spells like these at work ? But the charms she used sound just as queer | She ruled supreme till there came a youth Asking his future, weal or woe, (A master magician was he, in truth, For this is how I know): While the neighbors peered with might and main He carried her off ina coach and pair To a castle snug in Paradise Lane, Where they live to-day, I swear. . at I HE KEPT OFF HER TRAIN. “\7es!” sighed the opera manager, “ we had a pretty rough season every way. But what took the sand out of me was the row between De Recker, the lead- ing tenor, and De Squalchi, the prima donna. You know what an awkward stage presence De Recker has? Well, he stepped on Squalchi’s train thirteen times | during one performance, and the next night | she came on as Marguerite in bloomers. That came mighty near breaking us.” THE MODERN BANDITS. i Hoop.— What luck to-day, my merry men? LirTLe Joun.—Beastly! Nota traveler | have we met. Rosin Hoop.—If times don’t improve we'll have to form ourselves into a com- pany and build a hotel. Maid Marian | can be the cook; Allan-a-Dale can furnish the music; Friar ‘Tuck can be the bar- | tender; you, Little John, the clerk; and I—I’ll be the head-waiter. SOME DIFFERENCE. ‘*Then,” said the man who was preparing the sketch, ‘‘I shall say that you first saw life in the little village of Backwoodsville ” ‘*No,”’ said Mr. Selfmade, ‘‘I was born there, but I didn’t see any life till I came to New York.” RRL EDR ORAL I NSA They used to sell it by the package! Now they sell it by the box! WRIGLEYS is now 85 cents ped sticks. lasting, extremely beneficial. trips. digestion. at most dealers. Each box contains twenty 5 cent packages. Each package contains five separately wrap- Each stick is delicious, long So buy it for your home — your office — your Keep it handy to offer your friends. Have it to purify your breath, brighten your teeth, sharpen your appetite and aid your a box— LLL, rao Ms SHS See cern #4 kKiiL 220, LLL Ufo 4 ; COME e, Ma WZZZ2 ee Sas Be SURE it’s clean, pure, healthful WRIGLEY’S. FROM THE HAWVILLE CLARION. W* TAKE pleasure in informing our readers that we have secured as an assistant young Mr. Clarence Hornbeak, who has in the past acted as our regular cor- respondent at Rocket City, and at the same time contrib- uted some brilliant, sensational news items to several of the Kansas City and St. Louis dailies. He is the author of the sensation that was so widely copied in the Eastern papers, which was to the effect that, shortly after the re- turn of John Soeysmith, a penitent prodigal, a violent thun- der-storm arose and lightning killed a calf on the farm where John’s parents reside, hit the family Bible, opened it at the fifteenth chapter of Luke, and marked the twenty-third verse, which reads as follows: “And bring hither the fatted calf and kill it; and let us eat, and be merry.” Mr. Hornbeak will make a specialty of acting as society, snake, and pickle-dish editor of this paper, and all social, sensa- tional, and zoGlogical matters of interest will be handled by him in his usual brilliant and masterly style. A NARROW ESCAPE. te most wonderful and thrilling escape that ever hap- pened to me,” said the old veteran who had never been wounded, “was at the battle of Gettysburg. I tell you, I thought for a time that I was surely a goner, as far as Libby or Andersonville, anyway. It happened this way: We’d been fighting all morning when my regiment was ordered for- ward on the double-quick. We hadn’t gone far when I stumbled and fell heavily, knocking the wind out of myself. After a little I sat up, still sort of dazed, and there, not fifty paces away, came what looked to me like a whole division, at least, charging right over me. At that time horrible stories were current in the army, and I began to wonder what a bayonet thrust or a smashed skull would feel like. There was no use in my trying to get up and run, and I'd just made up my mind to take my medicine like a man when I happened to think that it was our army that wore blue uniforms. And, by Mars! what I’d thought was a division charging turned out to be only my regiment falling back!”

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DISTRICT PASSENGER OFFICES BOSTON—192 Washington Street CHICAGO—444 Com. Nat. Bank PHILADELPHIA—701 Chestnut Street WASHINGTON—1306 F. St.. N. W. NEW YORK—290 Broadway THE DIFFERENCE. Harvey, aged five, was being instructed by his grandmother in morals. She told him that all such terms as “by golly,” “by jingo,” “by thunder,” were only little oaths, and but little better than other profanities, “You can always tell an oath, my boy,” she said, “by the prefix ‘by.’ All such are oaths.” “Well, then, grandma,” asked the young hopeful, “is ‘by telegraph,’ which I see in the newspapers, swearing ?” “No, Harvey,” replied grandma; “that’s frequently only lying.” — Ladies’ Home Journal. LIIT IRIs 4 = OUR PRESIDENT! Seaeereges From a Copyright Photograph s by Pach Bros., N. ¥ : : PUCK’S PORTRAIT OF Hon. Woodrow Wilson In Colors Size 14x21 inches Price Ten Cents SECURELY WRAPPED AND MAILED ANYWHERE ON RECEIPT OF PRICE LL patriotic Americans should have a copy of this life-like picture, which has been pronounced by competent critics to be the finest portrait on the market of the President. Address PUCK, 295-309 Lafayette St., New York A CominGc ROCKEFELLER. Willie was small, but he had learned that big things are achieved by dealing with matters in the mass instead of in detail. ‘** Now,” he said to his mother, shortly before Christmas, “I’ve written a letter asking for what I want, and I think it covers everything.” “That's good,” said the mother; “ what did you ask for?” “Two toy-shops and a candy-store.”—Zxchange. Usep To SUCH VICISSITUDES. CoLONEL ROOSEVELT, at a luncheon at Oyster Bay, told a hunting story. “Smith,” he said, “had a narrow escape from being killed by a lion in Nairobi.” “*When the lion closed its jaws on you,’ asked a friend, ‘did you give yourself up for lost?’ “«QOh, no,’ Smith answered calmly. New Orleans States. “You see, I sleep in a folding-bed.’” “Yes,” said the retired insurance-agent, “I once got a man to take out a fifty-thousand-dollar life-policy only the day before he was killed, and it took a lot of coaxing to do it.” “I expect you wished your persuasive powers were not so successful?” “Well, hardiy. You see, I married his widow.”—LZvening Post. BILL (01 the third story, to Tom on the fifth).—\ say, Tom, whenever con- venient would youse moind dropping a hammer or a brick or anything hard on me head? Qi just been takin’ out some accident insurance!—Auffalo Courier. For Liquor and Drug Users A scientific treatment which has cured half a mil- lion in the past thirty-four years, and the one treatment which has stood the severe test of time. Administered by medical experts, at the Keeley For full particulars write Institutes only. To the Following Keeley Institutes: Oklahoma City, Okla, SIS N. Stiles St. Philadelphia, Pa.. S12 N. Broad St. Pittsburgh, Pa., 4246 Fifth ave. Dalias, Texas, Salt Lake City, Utah. Marion. Ind. Crab Orehard, Ky. Portiand, Me. Omaha, Neb. Greensboro, N.C. Hot Springs, Ark. Los Angeles, Calif. Marsh-Strong Bldg. San Francisco, Calif. Douglas Bldg. Seattle, Wash. Waukesha, Wis Winnipeg, Manitoba. fiuatemala City, Guatemala. Puebla, Nexieo. London, England. Manchester, N. H. Buffals. N.Y. Columbus, Ohio, Atlanta, Ga, Dwight, it ANNUAL Far Ss \ \ ‘\ \ \\ " \a" we \) BALD-HEADED MAN (in barber -shop).—Haircut, please BARBER. —How will you have it cut, sir? CusToMER.—Oh, not too short !-—Zondon Opinion. A Sherhet is made tasty and delightful by using Abbott's Bitters. Sample of bitters by mail, 25 cts. in stamps. C. W. Abbott & Co., Baltimore, Md. His Ont CHANCE. “You eat very little, Mr. Smith.” said the maiden coyly to the bashful lover who had been invited to share the family Christmas dinner. “Yes,” replied he, and for once he saw a chance, and, grasping his courage, he said: “ To sit next to you, Miss Grace, is to lose one’s appetite.” ——Eixchange. THE YOUNGSTER’s HE Lp. “T suppose you had a merry Christmas at vour house ?” “Oh, ves,” replied the sophisticated small boy. “We vounger people endeavored to make it so. You know, so much depends on the tactfulness of children. I always endeavor to make the holidavs pleas g enthusiastic interest in the mechanical toys th , amusement.” — Washington Star. ‘ ant by showing an at afford grown people so much Pe clear then dry, ing 1 lasts THIS NATION/ S ; By Per Clo peepee ee ee ee ee rTrYTT.:**.*sseeerr ; No “ Plez Sig your free.’ Ad Dako patiet ’ Fr Was a2 ter, W A make our 1 Ne ‘“ He lion « Cs take ing t tary M Con outsi

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Pears Pears’ Soap is made in a clean, sun-flooded factory ; then stored a full yearina dry, airy place, before com- ing to you. Is it such a wonder it lasts so long? Established in 1789. THIS HANDSOME WATCH FOB FREE You like to HUNT and FISH. Then surely you will enjoy the National Sportsman Magazine, with its 160 richly illustrated pages, full to over- flowing with interesting stor- fes and valuable information about guns, fishing tackle, camp outfits—the best places to go for fish and game, and @ thousand and one valu- able “How to” hints for sportsmen. The National Sporteman is just like a big camp-fire in the woods where thousands of good fel- lows yather ome a month and spin stirring yarns about their experiences with rod, dog, rifle and gun. Special Offer Mail us 25c. in Stamps or coin for 2 3 months’ trial subscription tothe National Sportaman, and we will send you absolutely Free of Charge one of these Hand- some Ormolu Gold Watch Fobs with russet leather strap. Don't Delay— Send your order To-day. NATIONAL SPORTSMAN, 78 FederalSt., Boston, Mass. + + + 7 > +> 7 + . a SHORT SIXES; Stories to be Read while the Candle Burns. %& By H. C. BUNNER, late Editor of Puck. ILLUSTRATED. Address Per Volume " r) 1] PUCK, N. Y. Cloth, $1.00 r eerreeeeeeeweeeeee ee oweTeeeeeeeeeererrre ee ™_eeeerree se ee St tt ee ee eee + + ro ++ + ++ . 2 a + 2 - + + > + =. 7. t 7 _— + + PRINTED HOWLERS. Notice on door of residence: ‘Please knock the bell out of order.” Sign in a Chicago drug-store: “Save your coupons and get an art plague free.” Advertisement of institution in South Dakota: “ Maternity hospital. Female patients only.” Was a queer girl, and so, for that mat- ter, was her father.” From a New York paper: “Emily A Western bank announces: “We make the interest of our depositors our interest.” Newspaper on deceased financier: “He is reputed to have made six mil- lion dollars in as many years.” 4 Card of cleaning company: “ Don’t take the life out of your rugs by beat- ing them. Let us do it in a more sani- tary way.”—Boston Transcrift. Manitoba Free Press, quoting Ralph Connor: “I who have never set foot outside of my native shoes.” Knew Him We tt. It was a contested will case, and one of the witnesses, in the course of giving his evidence, described the testator minutely. ‘Now, sir,” said the counsel for the defense, “I suppose we may take it, from the flattering description you have given of the testator, his good points, and his personal appearance generally, that you were intimately acquainted with him ?” “Him!” exclaimed the witness. “He was no acquaintance of mine!’ “Indeed! Well, then you must have observed him very carefully whenever you saw him?” pursued the counsel. “IT never saw him in my life,” was the reply. This prevarication, as counsel thought it, was too much, and he said: “Now, now, don’t trifle with the court, please. How, 1 ask you, could you, in the name of goodness, describe him so minutely if you never saw him or never knew him?” “Well,” replied the witness, and the smile which overspread his features extended to the faces of those in court, “ you see, I married his widow.” — 7i#- Bits. First Louncer.—Where did you get the greenback ? SECOND LOUNGER.—Oh, I slept on a billiard-table last night. — Harvard Lampoon. USE THE FAMOUS ENGLISH REMEDY BLAIR 'S PILLS SAFE, GENTLE, EFFECTIVE. FOR RELIEF OF FOR MEN OF BRAINS IGARS “MADE AT KEY WEST 5068 7/2 ar DRUGGISTS on 93 Henay Sr Broonvw VY | Shir ley Solid comfort — President: =» « bint « put Suspenders 9 **ss% or money back" Be sure ‘Shirley President’’ is on buckles ¢ The C. A. Edgarton Mfg. Oo., Shirley, Mass. LATEST LIMERICK, THERE was a young teacher named Beau- champ, And her pupils, O didn’t she teauchamp! For when they were bad She made them feel sad Wherever she happened to reauchamp. The School Bulletin HENRY LINDENMEYR & SONS PAPER WAREHOUSE, ‘ BRANCH WaRKHOUSE: 20 Beekman Street, § All kinds of Paper made to order New Vore Beccar.— Kind sir, I’m hungry! CHOLLY VAN VIOLEt.— But you cer- tainly cawn’t be intending to dine at this time of the evening in those clothes!— Yonkers Statesman. DEEP BREATHING By D. O. Harrell, M.D. BELIEVE we must all admit that deep breathing is a very desirable practice. Furthermore, we know it to be a fact that not one person in twenty, or perhaps one person in a hundred, really breathes deeply. Every physician can verify the statement that we are daily called upon to prescribe drugs fer ailments that owe their cause directly to insufficient and improper breath- ing—Oxygen Starvation. Breathing is the Vital Force of Life. Every muscle, nerve cell, in fact every fibre third declares Unfortunately, slightest conception of what is really meant by deep breathing. thoroughly understand the act. dozen different physical instructors to define deep breathing, and you will receive a dozen different answers. the full expansion of the chest, another tells you it means abdominal breathing, the it means breathing, and so on. Recently there has been brought to my few persons have the In fact, few physicians Ask a One tells you it means diaphragmatic of our body, is directly dependent upon the air we breathe. Health, Strength and Endurance are impossible without well-oxy- genated blood. The food we eat must combine with abundant oxygen before it can become of any value to the body. Breathing is to the body what free draught is to the steam boiler. Shut off the draught, and you will kill your fire, no matter how excellent coal you use. Similarly, if you breathe shallowly, you must become anzemic, weak and thin, no matter how carefully you may select your diet. I might continue indefinitely to cite ex- amples of the great physiological value of deep breathing. For instance, it is a well- known fact that worry, fear, and intense mental concentration practically paralyze the breathing muscles. This depressing condition can be entirely overcome through conscious deep breathing. The main benefit of physical exercise lies in the activity it gives the lungs. What we term “lack of healthful exercise ” in reality means insufficient lung action. Exercise that does not compel vigorous deep breathing is of little real value. Unfor- tunately, few persons have the strength and endurance to exercise violently enough to stir the lungs into rapid action. This is especially true of women and also of men who have permitted their muscles to become weak. Common sense, therefore, dictates that the lungs should be exercised independ- ently through deep breathing gymnastics. —Puck. notice a brochure on this important subject of respiration, that to my knowledge for the first time really treats the subject in a thor- oughly scientific and practical manner. I refer to the booklet entitled “ Deep Breath- ing,” by Paul von Boeckmann, R.S._ In this treatise, the author describes proper breathing, so that even the most uninformed layman can get a correct idea of the act. The booklet contains a mass of common sense teachings on the subject of Deep Breathing, and “Internal Exer- cise.” The author has had the courage to think for himself, and to expose the weaknesses in our modern systems of physical culture. I believe this booklet gives us the real key to constitutional strength. It shows us plainly the danger of excessive ‘exercise, that is, the danger of developing the external body at the expense of the internal body. The author’s arguments are so logical it is self-evident that his theories must be based upon vast experience. Personally, I know that his teachings are most profoundly scientific and thoroughly practical, for I have had occasion to see them tested with a number of my patients. The booklet to which I refer can be obtained upon payment of ten cents in coin or stamps by addressing Dr. von Boeckmann directly at 2610 Tower Bldg., 110 W. 40th St., New York. The simple exercises he describes therein are in themselves we'll worth ten times the small price demanded.

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BUILT FOR SPEED— 1912 MODEL. By W. E. Hill. Proof in Colors, 12x 14 in. PRICE 26 CENTS. EVOLUTION OF THE ENGAGEMENT RING. By Shef Clarke. Photo Gelatine Print, 12x9 in. PRICE 26 CENTS. Copyright 1907 by Keppler & Schwarzmann Copyright 1912 by Keppler & Schwarzmann | THE OPTIC NERVE. By W. E. Hill, Proof in Carbon Black, 8 x 11 in. PRICE TWENTY-FIVE CENTS.

THE FIRST AFFINITY. By Carl Hassmann. Photogravure in Carbon Black, 13 x 19% in. PRICE ONE DOLLAR. Smaller Size, 11x8in. Price Twenty-five Cents.

in 1 he s pen pass the: Orle a We man can Sud call rece! gam slowl well-« a nic Hom store i minisi praye be po ‘ it the SAV XC shouk ‘ «i x You Stuff <

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¢ ie ° . ministers ought to be humble and poor, like their Master. “I Goop Opportunities Overlooked. At a convention of automobile salesmen in the Middle West, the big agents in the business were making speeches demonstrating that their particular con- cerns and machines were the best in the world. Oratory was splashed about, tremendous figures were flung around, and superlatives bounded against the ceiling. Finally, the limit was reached when a gentleman arose and remarked, as follows: “My company is the most wonderful known to the business. Our salesmen have proved that they can give all other salesmen cards and spades, and yet beat them out. As the result of a close calculation and minute investigation, I ain now ready to assert that for every minute in the past year one-half of a machine made by our firm was sold. There you are!—half a machine sold every minute.” An envious, pallid, thin-chested man arose in one of the far corners of the room, and made this helpful suggestion: “You're overlooking fifty per cent. of your field, brother. sucker born every minute!” — Zhe /opular. There’s a whole A JocuLaR PEORIAN. Booth Tarkington, like many litterateurs, writes a wretched hand. Of this he said in New York recently: “Once, crossing to Naples, I sat in my deck-chair with pad and fountain- pen, at work on a short story. A young Peorian stopped before me. “« By gosh,’ he said, ‘I wish I could write as well as you do.’ “T smiled, and the Peorian resumed his promenade. ‘The next time he passed me he said again: “*Gee, what a hand! If I could only write like that!’ “ Again I smiled a flattered smile, and the Peorian made another round of the deck. Then he said a third time: “<«QOh, if [ could only write a hand like yours!’ “ Nettled a little by this third interruption, I said: “« Well, what would you do if you could?’ “¢Go to China,’ said the Peorian, ‘and write labels for tea boxes.’”’—ez Orleans States. A LIGHTNING-CHANGE ARTIST. A young minister was invited to spend his vacation at the summer home of a wealthy member of his congregation. ‘The little daughter watched the young man very closely during the visit, and one morning sat down beside him and be- gan to draw on her slate. “What are you doing?” the minister inquired. “I’m going to draw your picture,” replied the child. The young man sat very still, and the little girl worked away very earnestly. Suddenly she stopped and compared her work with the original. “I don’t like it very much,” she said. “I guess I'll put a tail on it and call it a dog.”—Detroit Saturday Night. Has Ir Come To Tuts? Dr. Lyman Abbott, who is, as is well-known, an anti-suffragist, told, at a recent luncheon in New York, an anti-suffrage anecdote. “Two suffragists,” he said, “were talking one evening at the club overa game of billiards.” “*How is your husband?’ the first asked. “Slowly mending? But I did n’t know he was ill!’ “«He isn’t ill,’ the other suffragist explained, laughing heartily. slowly mending my khaki riding-breeches.’” — Crescent. ‘He’s THERE Was AN EXCELLENT REASON. “Ts there any good reason why I should give vou five cents?” asked the well-dressed elderly man of the youth who accosted him. “Well,” said the small boy, as he retire from the danger zone, “if I had a nice high hat like yours I would n’t want it soaked with a snowball.”— Ladies’ Home Journal. SucH A SHAME! SoctaL AGITaTor.—Is n’t it a shame the way they work the help in this store? Fifteen hours a day, and wages almost nothing! CompaNion.—Why do you trade here? S. A.—Oh, they sell things so much cheaper.—Chicago Times. He Hap On ty To Be HuMBLE. A minister, in an address to other ministers, once said that he thought have often prayed,” said he, “that I might be kept humble; I never prayed that | might be poor-—lI could trust my church for that.”"—Harvest World. “DAauGHTER,” called the father from his position at the top of the stair, it the well-known hours of 11:55 P.M., “doesn’t that young man know how to sav good-night ?” “Does he?” echoed the voung lady from the darkened hall. “Well, | | should say he does."—Pittsburgh Post. “THERE goes that poor writer, Binks.” “Yep, the poor guy. He used to make a good living out of these ‘What ‘. Young Girl Ought to Know’ books, but there’s no demand for that kind of stuff anv more.”"— Columbia Jester,

re ~~ Resets PATIENT FATHER.—Dearie! Is it all right? DEARIE (from above ).—Oh, quite all right Baby’s eating my glove now. you're sure it’s yours! Punch, pause) Every iover of a good cocktail should insist that Ab- bott’s Bitters be used in making it: insures your gelling the very best. UU. W. Abbott & Co., Baltimore, Md.

Successful men grasp every oppor- tunity for saving

time and increasing efficiency of the Hour He cannot spare time to read long articles

The Busy Man must make every second count. ful he must keep in touch with the world’s progress ; date methods i just such men, to whom time means both money and opportunity, that Popular Electricity and the Still, to be success- ‘ be posted on the most efficient and up-to- He also requires a certain amount of wholesome, entertaining reading. It is for | World's Advance is published. It tellsthem tersely. yet interestingly, « ft) e latest advances of the world today ; givesthem the gist of current happenings, with time and monev-saving suggestions applicable to their own affairs. Yet it is n't dry or prosy, but entertaining from cover to cover The illustration shows a most efficient application of the automobile, phonograph and elec tricity to the making of an important road survey. This unique combination of modern methods not only resulted in an immense saving of valuable time but 1n absolute acccuracy which it would be difficult to obtain otherwise. An interesting story of this effective method, which can also be POPULAR ELECTRICITY 3X2 WORLD’S ADVANCE FOR FEBRUARY Now on Sale at Your Newsdealers Among other striking articles in this issue are: How Burglars Decipher Safe Combinations—Uncle Sam asa Railroad Operator—Outwitted by the Telo-Detective—The Trouble Shooters of the Sierras —Progress in Railroad Electrification—Cheap Power forthe South—The Electric Eye of a Battle- ship—Why the “Six"’ Produces Continuous Power-—Artificial Joints in Living Limbs—Aerial Cableway to The “Vale of Cashmere"’—The Original Tango— Fgvptian Sun Power Plant— World's Largest Ice Cave—Mary Garden in Motion Pictures—Common Time the Universal Rhythm—Million ‘Dollar Bake Shop—and these are just typical of the 200 Fascinating Subjects with 200 Absorbing Illustrations which make up this most interesting magazine

Just note this brief summary of good thines: MOTION PICTURE DEPARTMENT — Sixteen pages—pre- | senting the latest photo plays, with anecdotes of players and VM producers and, in addition, carrying vou through all the fas point, appealing alike to general reac-r, “eae = A 8 - . . Student, amateur, or practical man s cinating detailsof planning, staging, photographing and pro Se-pace section, sae ducing until finally before the screen vou view with height- ened interest the films unrolled for your entertainment o : d : | devoted to modern progress along every History in the making as told by the line. Thirty-two pages present the latest camera in sixteen solid pages of striking advances in science, industry, agricul- photevraphs from all parts of the globe ture, city building, railroading, automo- A veritable travelogue and world epitome biling, travel, art, amusements, and all of unusual interest and educational value. the varied activities of our complex civill- zation. From everywhere there is brought before you vivid, living pictures apd views of the world in action, interesting —educational—uplifting. This immense entertainment of {28 pages-—200 Subjects — 200 iliustrations —awaits you in

vital interest to everyone The subject ts covered from every onceivalle view

constitutes a mag- azine replete with entertainment and in- Struction for all the family.

POPULAR ELECTRICITY WORLD'S ADVANCE — THE GREAT ELECTRICAL SECTION tells you in simple language the fascinat ing Story of Electricity; keeps you in touch with electrical progress the world over, and vividly shows the astonishing applications of this subtle force—facts of POPULAR ELECTRICITY #82 WORLD'S ADVANCE For February 15c a Copy ger iT TODAY FROM YOUR NEWSDEALE If your dealer cannot supply you send us his name an your own name and address with 15¢ fora copy post paid. POPULAR ELECTRICITY PUBLISHING CQ, 350 No. Clark St., CHICAGO, ILL,

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as - ca ae ee ET A co ~ FOR LIFE. t¥. Down-the smooth and slippery slide Paul and Virginia swiftly glide. Paul’s fond heart beats patty-pit; The sled he’s steering: skids a bit. It strikes a rock, with speed to spare; Paul and Virginia take the air. Iv Into a drift they are tumbled o’er; Bump goes the sled on the rector’s door! The rector comes. Says Paul to V.: “My dear, this looks like fate to me.” He has his grandma’s wedding-ring, And lo! he’s gone and done the thing!