Puck 1909-11-03: Vol 66 Iss 1705

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Published by KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN. ] KEPPLRR, Pres., A. SCHWARZMANN, Vice-Pres., E. A. CARTRR, Sec. and Treas. 295-309 Lafayette Street, New York. PUCK No. 1705. WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 1909 A. H. FOLWELL, Editor Issued every Wednesday. $5.00 per year. $2.50 for six months. $1.25 for three months. Payable in advance. Cartoons and Comments rence, for years had been a powerful factor in passing and blocking legislation at Albany. He was a Democrat, yet he was also the uncompromising opponent of everything democratic. Any vital reform, any measure for public good, as opposed to private privilege, found in Senator McCarren a fighting foe. McCarren was no hypocrite. He fought the same on both sides of the door, in the committee room and out in the open Sen- ate. But the cause with which McCarren, Democrat, was identified 5" SENATOR McCarREN, whose death was a recent occur- alike, whether they be city, state, or national Honorables. It.is not sufficient to say, as so many do, “Oh, one party is as bad as the other!” ‘The thing to find out is what makes one party as bad as the other? What are the interests which both big parties serve so similarly? Whence comes their power? Compared with these interests, whatever names we give them, pledges, platforms, and party principles are as minus naught. They answer as texts for us little fellows, when we “talk politics,” but they embarrass not in the slightest the bigger fellows for whom we are graciously permitted to vote. With most of the latter, the name Re- cans, ally themselves at .. Washington. This is 3 and Aldrich, Republi- | | at Albany wasthe same Ww) uary. ait ts nett! ulogy Mv , nor post- snarl yy) - $0 far_as the late poli- tician is concerned. It- is a reference. merely to the disquieting fact that in their applica- tion to party leaders the words Republican publican or Democrat is but a costume, gayly donned forthe masque- rade which we in our civic innocence or ‘in- difference call a politi- calcampaign. The bail over, they come out again in their true characters, and lo, they are all alike! The best proof we have that the voters are beginning to or Democrat mean less realize what makes than nothing. Of the truth of this a grim demonstration was given by the tariff brawl in Congress. Both Re- publican and Demo- cratic members were willing to throw and did throw to the winds the apparently sincere pledges of their res- pective platforms. Par- ty principles are very _well, it seems, for the common herd to stand by and get excited over, but the party leaders —both parties ~—show all too clearly, when the public wel- fare is at stake,in what esteem they hold them. More and. more is it becoming obvious to those who have eyes _L: M: CHEKEMS: “one party as bad as the other” is the old and hopeless split in the Democratic Party, and the new but hope- ful break in the ranks of the Republicans. “e LADY with a couple of Saratoga trunks is quite safe from all annoy- ance if she makes due de- claration.— Collector Loeb. And if, as may be the case, she has nothing to declare, and says so, she will be safe from all annoyance save being treated like a liar and a perjurer. “e TuelInternational Pure Food Congress, meeting in Paris, has defined olive-oil as “oil extracted from the fruit Ir ~ Ate 11919 Wwe ~S — ey \\ (Wu \ to see that there is a common ground of un- derstanding, a common rallying point, for Demo- crats and Republicans TOO TRUSTING A’ NATURE. His MAsTerR.—You’re big enough an’ strong enough to make an almighty good watch-dog, but we’ve got to break yer of that derned habit of makin’ friends with anybody an’ anythin’. of the olive-tree.” No mistake about it, it’s get- ting harder and _ harder every day to make an honest living.

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PUCK AIM PMER Abip frm, i /4 ey iy \\ AN f My Nay, ay ll id "ames | p ee \ 9, ‘ oth) pT ANOTHER BLACK-HAND OUTRAGE. **Ves, the car runs well, but I’ve had to stop repeatedly to adjust the clutch.” POPPY LAND. HEN first | held your tiny hand, M I entered into Poppy Land. literary preface. What suns, what trees, what songs of May What dreams and fancies filled each day ! The very slightest breeze would strow The cherry-blooms as thick as snow. READER. —A man who buys a magazine because of its catchy cover. AuTHOR.—A person who writes what he thinks the editor thinks people think. Fiction.—Stories of “real life” that never happen. A Goop Srory.—One that pleases editors who are particular and people who are not particular. ARTICLES.—T waddle by men of note. reaps A Goop ArTICLE.—One for which the edi- Young love was mine in Poppy Land. tor has paid a dollar a word. ioen Dawe. Humor.—Stuff that people would n’t know » any better than to laugh over were it allowed to get into print. The tiger-beetle’s horny shard Was not more green than this poor bard; But oh, I’d give my riper hue For green, again to be with you. For when I held your tiny hand, A PRACTICAL DEMONSTRATION. “ a everybody has a well-developed bump of curiosity.” “ Think so?” ” is “smart,” “clever,” or cynical. ILLUSTRATIONS.—Pictures that induce peo- ple to read stories that the illustrators ,umop apisdn Jaded ; could n’t be induced to read. ay) WN} [IM YdeZesed sty) aas OM ajdoad ay} jo ysour ‘saQ ,, Ave how we could have been such a fool. PUBLISHERS’ PRIMER. AGAZINE.—A paper-bound book of advertising matter with a sterday has not been in vain so long as we can look back to it and wonder Epiror.—A man who edits the preface, giving the ——— subscribers what he thinks they ought to read. ; SHE KNEW HIM. DuSsKY CUSTOMER. - Mah husband's done got de rheumatism. Gimme a bottle o' datyer man-an-beast con trapshun. Druceist. — Hum—well--er—that stuff’s a little bit strong for a man, I'm afraid. D. C.—Wrap it up. Ah knows mah husban’.

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ES, I Like the plans you 7S have drawn quite well, a on the whole, but there are a few changes I want to suggest before we accept the plans,” said Mrs. Chatterly to the architect who had come to show her the design he had drawn for the Chatterlys’ new house. “My husband thinks that the plans are all right just as they are, but I don’t agree with him entirely, and I think that _so long as it is the woman who has to do the work in the house, she should have something to say about the plans when a new house is to be built. But my husband is real nice about such things, and he said he would have you come up and let me suggest a few changes to you before you went ahead with the work. .A sister of mine and her husband built a new house last year, and he did n’t want her to have anything to say about the plans, and the consequence is that there are a lot of things about the house that she does n’t like at all and that are not at all convenient. He is one of that kind of men who think that ¥ “What changes would you like to suggest in the plans, Mrs. Chatterly ?” “Well, two or three. In the first place, I don’t quite like the general plan and the location of some of the closets. Some of the closets in my sister’s house are perfect!y awful—so small, and so— and then I think that I would like the kitchen made a little smaller and the dining -room a little larger. Anything I do not like it is a little tucked-up dining-room. The dining-room in my sister’s house is so small that when they have eight at dinner the maid can hardly get around to serve, and the kitchen is larger than the dining-room. I told her the last time I visited her that when we built I intended to see to it that the dining-room was just as large as possible. If -there-is-anythmg annoyiig it is to have a cramped-up dining-room when one is having company. One reason I have not entertained as much as I wanted to we door, or a clear door that she could have curtained ; but no, he did n’t want that, and he is one of that kind of men that it is no sort of use to argue with. I am far from being one of these screaming women suffragists, or suffragettes, or whatever you call them, like they have in London, and who carry on in a way that no real lady ever could, but I do feel that the wife and mother should have more priv- ileges than she does, and it does seem a little unfair that any low, ignorant old foreigner can come into our coun- try, and in a few months have his say in regard to our laws, while the most intelligent American woman who pays heavy taxes cannot say a word. It seems to me that there might be some kind of a limited suffrage for both women and men that would meet the needs of the situation. I went not long ago to hear a speaker on the suffrage question, and I tell you if she did n’t just ™ “Will you please look at the plans again and tell me if 4 “ Oh yes. ‘Well, I don’t quite like the way in which the pantry connects with the kitchen. It is a little like the way in which the pantry is placed in my sister’s house. If her husband had de- liberately tried he could hardly have put in her pantry in a way that would have made it more in- convenient than it is. Then it has only one very small and nar- row window, and -no provision for a flour barrel, or for her to do her bread and pastry work in it. I told her when I saw it the first time that when we built I should see to it that no such a pantry arrangement as that should be made. I. do think that a nice, large, convenient kitchen pantry is about as necessary as anything else in the house, unless it is a well-equipped bathroom, and that reminds me that I want four or five changes in your plan of the bathroom. The bathroom in my sister’s house is so small and so inconvenient, and when I was there I showed her how it could have been HAM AND BOSTON. in this house has been the size of the dining-room. It is so small and so poorly lighted that That is another thing I wanted to speak to you about, the light. It seems to me that you ought to either make the window in the end of the dining- room a double window, or work in an extra win- dow. If there is any room in the house that I think should be light it is the dining-room. My sis- ter’s dining-room is in a corner of the house where it never gets a ray of the morning sun, and once when I was visiting there they actually had to light the gas to eat breakfast by at eight in the morning! I told my sister then that 4 “ What other changes made much larger by making the back hall a little smaller, and—you see it is like this: If you will give me your pencil and a scrap of paper from your note-book I think | can show you just how the bathroom in my sis- ter’s house is_ situated, and you can see for yourself that * “T have only a few minutes to spare, and—” “Oh, I suppose so. Well, I think that all of the ceilings on the lower floor should be at least six inches higher than they are. Anything I do not like is too low a ceil- ing. I wish you could see the ceilings in my sister’s house! Truly, 1 think that a tall man could almost reach up and touch them simply would you suggest ? ” “Well, it seems to me that the front hall is too narrow and not long enough. That is one fail- ing in my sister’s house— the front hall is so narrow there is hardly room for a hat-tree in it. I told her the last time I was there that when we built I should see to it that we had a good wide hall, and one with plenty of light. Her hall is dark as well as She wanted her husband to have a pebble-glass put in the JEMIMA SNAIL.—What a bother! racy novels | narrow. A STRICT PARENT. her see me with this Pilgrim’s Progress—she does n’t like me to read these standing on the floor You can’t stay any longer? . Well, you just leave the plans with me and I will bring them to your office to-morrow. I’m not going to have our house poorly lighted as my sister’s. I told my sister that when we built I should see to it that Must you go? Well, I'll let you know about the few changes I want made, and Good-by. I told my sister ‘Good-by!” Morris Wade. Here comes mother! I must n’t let

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COATMILKINE } FOR TRE i the “ blundering COMPLEXION | Hi i idiot” is fired. ya ||! CLASSIFICATION OF MISTAKES. Ww" MADE BY: ‘The clerk at eight hundred a year it is “ an error caused by press of business,” and he is politely asked to be more careful. “ “«. « The overseer of a department at twenty- five hundred a year it is “a rather bad break,” and he gets a sugar-coated call- down. 5 « = The manager at ten thousand a year it is “a temporary aberration of judgment,” and he is given a vacation with raise of salary to restore his nerve. e “« © Dee “tane = nine dollars a week it is “inex- cusable,” and SUPUFFLUOUS! TH A PUBLIC SCANDAL. THE GOATMILKINE GIRL.—How very embarrassing ! a billposter to stick me right next to that - What a boor of er — disrobed gentleman! BALLADE OF ANY HOSPITAL. | T is a pleasant place, I ween, A very pleasant place to go; With inner walls a restful green, And little beds all in a row — Oh, they are white as driven snow; I never saw a whiter sheet ! But I’m not thinking much of show— I do not get enough to eat! I have a bed (chose “sight unseen’’) That sets me rolling to and fro, Because the mattress creeps between My ribs, and hurts my innards so; And yet—life should not move so slow, My window opens on the street ; But I’m too weak to gaze below — I do not get enough to eat! All that I see is very clean; One needs must search both high and low To find a speck of dirt, for e’en The very floors reflect a glow. That slender nurse is nice, I know, She looks so very clean and sweet ; I like the fat one better, though — I do not get enough to eat! L’ ENVOL O, Hospital, from top to toe My love for you is large, complete; But I am lean and lank — for, oh! I do not get enough to eat! Chas. C. Jones. aA LUCKY. HE ANGEL with the flaming sword had locked the gates of the T Garden of Eden, but on catching sight of Eve trying on fig- leaves he tarried a moment before flying back whence he came. And it was with no small relief that he beheld the first mother find, at length, a fig-leaf to suit her. “Lucky thing for the proprieties that green happens to be her color!” ruminated the celestial messenger, spreading his wings. print. AREA ARK s he man who is, his own press-agent is always getting the wrong story into HUSBAND. —I passed a shop to- day that I ’d like to have you patronize. WIFE.—Why so, dear ? ITUsRAND.—They advertise ‘‘ Super- fluous Hair Removed. ”’ NOT SO SOCIAL. ere SAYS man is a social animal, but this is only imperfectly true. For example, man will sometimes ob- ject to mortgaging his home to buy a car, and will even see nothing absurd in mort- gaging a car to buy a home. Again, he will con- fess himself bored by grand opera, even with the boxes all occupied. And when it comes to clothes, half.the time he does n’t care about them further than to have them comfortable, In short, there are animals much more social than ma! "a THIS WAY, WHOLESALE DryGoops MERCHANT (who has taken some big PLEASE! buyers out to his country place).—Chentlemen, I haf something very neat in the way of sunsets this efening. best line I haf had this Fall. May I show you?— it’s the ,

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NOT SAYING MUCH. | ’M MONARCH Of all I survey! However, that’s really not saying A great deal, of course, for you know I never was much at surveying. “ THE WIRELESS EPOCH. (From the Smallville Bugle.) rs. FeepuM has put wireless fly- screens in the dining-room win- dows at the Feedum House, which is a great improvement, as the flies can’t come in at the windows, but have to conte Gee go ’round and come one. : OLDGENT. —H-m-m, through the kitchen door. Mighty good idee! OLD GENT.—What’s that round thing? A fine lot of barbed wire- less fencing has just arrived at Scroggins’s General Store.— Adv. The ‘Town Marshal is threatening to arrest any boys caught throwing stones at the telegraph wireless. A large delegation from this village went to the County Fair last week and report a pleasant time was had by all. Al Simpson says the slack-wire- less performance made him feel shaky. All parlor pictures, according to the Fur- nished Home, are now being hung from fancy nails drove in the wall by wireless, strings not being regarded as elegant no longer. .Farmer Jones reports that he has at last: succeeded, by means of grubbing and burning over, in getting all the wireless grass out of his big meadow. Ike Weston was down to the city on business \ last week, and Ike says all the fine offices has wireless waste-baskets now ’stead of willow ones. Ike says he come mighty near buying a-wireless cot-to sleep on, only he did n’t see none-and did n’t have the money. Nobody can get along without a pair of wireless nippers these days. You can get a pair at Scroggins’s General Store.—Adp. While trying to clean his pipe, which was stopped up, with a wireless hairpin, Deacon Dobbs stuck it in his finger, which made it quite painful. The wireless rope which lifts the elevator in Scroggins’s General Store broke the other day, but nobody was hurt, as the elevator was at the bottom floor and nobody was in it. E. C. Hall. JUST A FEW LITTLE EXTRAS. bo l : a ( } i 7 \ y) G73! "| i u lt > HALT] i] an)! THE ‘*Goop IDEE”’ ADOPTED: Extra hat, extra \ if shoe, extra collar, extra pants, extra sock. OUR NEW LITERATURE. B sae Ezra.—Cracky, but them patent-medicine men are pow- erful writers! The feller that wrote this “Ad.” keeps you in doubt about the name of the stuff until the very last line. TOO HONEST. ar oni se Smith has failed in business again. I’m sorry for the boy, but too close adherence to high principles ruined him. Boccs.— How so ? Woccs.—He advertised “Our product is thoroughly tested before it leaves the factory,” which is a very hard thing to live up to when you are manufacturing dynamite. At 4» $i er" ies 2 ; They trot out open trolleys ere the Spring’s an hour old, And we shiver, shiver, shiver with the cold, cold, cold! WHAT FUN THE TROLLEY FOLKS HAVE WITH US! Te | z || ari 7 | y~ — Ht" =| | 3 Il. Then back they put the stuffy cars ere Summer’s off the street, And we swelter, swelter, swelter with the heat, heat, heat !

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i 2 13 2. 3 4. gms Dg Il. 12. . 4 Beers+4 Whiskiesx1 Fight=X. (Pay the X to the eee LIV ; THE HoBso (on the Road of Gasoline).— Hereafter I sticks to freight-trains! TO LALAGE § AN INDIAN-SUMMER APPEAL. OME, Lalage, and take the air; (I call a house to-day inferpal!) The weather ’s more than Cold to Fair — It’s vernal. Inside, the housefly, thin and gaunt, Awakes to find the climate pleasant, And agilely proceeds to haunt Those present. But out of doors the world is yours, ’Live with the breath of Indian Summer ; A world of sunshine, and it sure’s A hummer. So come, while yet we find enscrolled ‘The last of summer’s pleasant annals, _ Ere | assume my winter cold And flannels. Horatio Winslow. SOME PROBLEMS OF LIFE. . SANITATION -++ Moderation + Recreation — Dissi- pation = Health. ° Determination + Concentration x Application = Success, (Sorrows+ 2)+(Joys X 2)4+Children (multiplied by X)= Marriage. Marriage+ An Affinity= Divorce. Geometrical Progression (ascending series) from Introduction to Proposal: Salutation, Inclina- tion, Admiration, Adulation, Adoration, Pal- pitation, Desperation, Declaration, Accepta- tion, Exultation, Osculation. © h 59% of Leadership=Self-Reliance. A Good Name is> Riches. The Product of a Cow x by a Pump=Milkman’s Milk. ‘Troubles*+-Cowardice — Faith — Hope=Suicide. The Fourth of July—Ice Cream-+ Fireworks & Fire- water=A Hot Time. Proportion. Man : Contentment:: Accomplishment : Ideals. Expectations x 2= Twins. Judge.) d.. E AND LEARN. SIDESTEPPING. a FouRTHLY.—I trust you are trying to climb the straight and narrow path ? Knicker.—Yep; but the best way to drive up a hill is to zigzag. HEARD IN SCHOOL, EACHER. — What are the duties of the Vice-President of the~ oe. United States ? Younc AMErRiIca.—He has to play golf in the absence of the President. l 1 Wall | Al | ps4 HISTORICALLY ACCURATE. RoMAN CITIZEN (just a few B.C.)—See hereibus! What do you mean by smoking? Don’t you know that tobacco won’t be introduced into Europe for 1500 years? Marcus ScraPicus.—Oh, that’s all right, old sportum! Roman soldiers smoke. Did n't T see one of ’em smoking a ‘‘ perfecto” in the Hudson-Fulton carnival parade up in New York? pretend to like good music? r a man happier for being so rich that his wife will think they ought to

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y mig Jey grvand3y OF If they stopped tallng the THE LAUGHTER Tue Bic Four. — Let ’em argue! THE PUCK PRESS

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HES Sis igo anata hinking, and then where would we be? ht beg y mig Fav rvenday OF THE GODS. int g the JGHTH topped ta

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If COULDN'T BE. ARLING, when can you arrange for the happy day ?” The modern young man leaned forward anxiously as he looked in the busy face of the modern young woman. She sat with half-parted lips, toying with the telephone on her writing-desk. He had stopped in on his way uptown, having pre- viously ascertained that she could see him for five minutes. The modern young woman reached forward and produced a large and im- posing engagement-book. “ My secretary is out,” she said apolo- getically, “ or I would n’t have to take up our valuable time in referring to the record. Ah yes—let me see.” In a moment she turned rapidly to her lover, who sat in mute and anxious expectancy. “For the next two months,” she said, “I see that I have a matinee party every Wednesday and two theatre parties a week. My bridge club meets Thurs- day and Saturday. I have important Settlement work on Tuesday, so that every day is filled until I leave for Europe. I shall be gone three months, and imme- diately on my return I have arranged for a trip to. Cali- fornia. After that is the golf tournament, followed by our automobile carnival, which will necessitate my going South for a couple of months or so. I see that every day is filled in between, except—— Am I right? Can it be? Ah yes, here is a day! Splendid !” She turned to her waiting lover. “One year from the twenty-fourth of next, June,” she said, “is unfilled. Isn’t it nice? AndinJune,too! I am so glad that you were thoughtful enough to call my attention to the matter. Will that be all right for you?” The modern young man arose. to ring. “ Awfully sorry, darling,” he replied, “but I’m atisid we —Sball have te -sall-this. cat:

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1F YOU MUST OWN AN AUTO— ‘‘ Bully idea of yours, Jenny —letting it out»for advertising space: Now perhaps we can pay the garage charges.” THEY LOOK IT. M** BoOKDEALER. — Johnny just spilled the ink-bottle over my diary. Mr. BookpEALER.—Never mind. Blot it up and I'll take the book down to the store and sell it as one of the humorous hol- ‘iday.volumes with illustrations’ by the author. Bite. Ir is true, will make two fools one, but the one has a com- mensurately higher voltage of folly, so that after all society is n’t necessarily the gainer. en = i

| = Ng fe _ Se Se ¥ | os 1 oe 3 hy 9 “ «" 2 — oe A yf , ~ Cx / wh * LY $s \ “7s Y fs my RY iA & ] ba ge x, eal ” ‘ a fe ‘, y WN S\ N _\ ‘S SW =& ‘= rr -= SSS AN UNTIMELY SUGGESTION. LYCEUM ORATOR (majestically).—My voice has been heard from the Atlantic to the Pacific, from the Great Lakes to

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HOME TRAINING. TEACHER.—And what do we call those things that men like to see flying in the air ? LITTLE CLAUDE.—Razzahs! “WHOM GOD HATH JOINED.” ISSOME and light as a fairy queen, ; : When one is fair as a fairy queen. The years rolled on, as they always do, And the Lady came and saw and slew, Year after year, by the sounding shore, She brought them down by the score or more; But each cold heart left its impress there In the wrinkled cheek and the silvered hair ; The net result was a shop-worn belle, But cleverly masked — in fact, to tell Where nature ended.and art began Was something that passed the wit of man— Passé in the garish light of noon, But still so-so ’neath a crescent moon. And he? Forgot her, of course, and went The pace that kills till his cash was spent And he’d changed the old man’s hard-earned wealth For a ruddy nose and shaky health. Bankrupt and weary he walked once more Down where the waves wash the sounding shore, Where he found his long-lost love sublime, A faded wreck on the shores of Time; Faded and shrunken in face and frame, But with plump exchequer just the same; For the worm that feeds on beauty’s hue Can’t always eat up the strong-box too. Thought he: “If I miss this target twice, I’ve no hope this side of Paradise.” And the lady thought: “Dear heart alive, One cannot split hairs at forty-five.” So she looked up at the moon and blinked, While he looked over the waves and winked. Which was why the parson sprung his jest, “Whom GOD hath joined’? — you know the rest. D. B. Van Buren. aA ACHILLES’S GROUCH. ae was lamenting his vulnerable heel. “TI know my wife will make me wipe it off when I come in the house!” he exclaimed. Herewith he refused to be comforted. Warmed by the glow of gay nineteen, Down where the waves wash the sounding shore She heard the world-old tale once more — Heard the tale with a blush and a laugh, And then—she blew him away like chaff; No terrors has Time for gay nineteen, nao: It may be different next year. ALWAYS, ALWAYS. “No, Carrie, we cannot afford a machine this year. I am firm.” ‘TUESDAY: how your heart is set on the car, but a year isn’t big thing.” “T know ’ long to wait for such a WEDNESDAY: “Even if the Flemings and De Worthingtons are going to get ma- chines, it makes no differ- ence to us.” THURSDAY: dear girl. you, but Fripay: “But they cost so much!” SaTURDAY: “Well, we’ll just go down and look at it.” “ No, my I hate to refuse ” Ore lies gets you into almost as THE FIRST TO SAY IT. ADAM (dandling Cain) — My, young feller, how you’re growing! You ’ll be a man before your mother! THEN SHE WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD. AUNT MAry.—Really, Clara, I don’t see what you find to rave over in that football hero you ’re engaged to. Last night he seemed to me to be a perfectly ordinary, average young man. CLARA.—Oh, but if you on/y could see him on the football field, where I saw him first! (Becomes incoherent with rapture.) much trouble as telling the truth.

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Sh i aS ‘ee a Bee Ee

Now ready, 1909 edition of the famous “Richard's Poor Almanack,” the hit of 1908. While Rock **The World’s Best Table Water’’

Beautifully bound and illustrated humorous book. Sent for roc. Address White Rock, Flatiron Bidg., New York City. Hirs THE MARK, Two “jags” were ambling homeward at an early hour after being out nearly all night. “Don’t your wife miss you on these occasions ?” asked one. * Not often,” replied the other; “she throws pretty straight.” —Xavsas City Journal.

TO BUY OR SELL THE BOSTO KNOWN TO EVERYBODY WORN ALL OVER THE WORLD g MADE WITH . CUSHION RUBBER BUTTON CLASP OF ANY DEALER, ANYWHERE or Sample Pr., Cotton, 25., Silk, 50c. MAKERS, BOSTON OVER 30 YEARS THE STANDARD

SAVES TIME|

! | |

“Do you think your father would object to me marrying you?” “T don’t know. If he’s anything like me he would!” —Xansas City Star.

AT THE TOP THERE IS ALWAYS ONE ee THERE ARE NEVER TWO BESTS! HARPER IS NUMBER ONE! THE BEST IS THE CHEAPEST!

BERNHEIM DISTILLING CO., LOUISVILLE.

pt eee A AV 4, f : e SP. 4, SZ \ \\— 2 ; AM of / NS A 3 a said at a Irving Brelin, the author of “My Wife’s Gone to the Country,’ recent dinner in New York: “A true happening was the inspiration of this song. In July a Brooklyn woman set outefor Ocean Grove, and on her arrival discovered that her watch, a small affair, was missing. She thought it had probably dropped on the thick, soft dining-room rug, so she wired to the maid at home: “ «Tet me know if you find anything on the rug in the dining-room.’ “A few days later she got from the maid a letter, saying: “Dear Mapam: I was to let you know if I found anything on the dining-room rug. This is what I found this morning: Three champagne corks, eighteen cigar butts, five cigar ends, four blue chips, thirty-six burned matches, and one pink-satin slipper.’ ””— Washington Star.

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WVVV VV VT V UNV VV VTV VEY NNT OPV ONY Tr yy DAA VLIW IAAAAAAKA KP RAAAD AA WAKA [ dese S EXTRAL The General Fai Family Remedy fre y obevia » hathe the’ or ence pet Pout xtra ry nothing el f with wiotste i nit Dake god healinw Me No retreting 3 Sime t« , tine. Outil relieve For Blind’ or Bleedin Piles. If exrerua} bathe wit Extrect, Snd take a ful — timeaa day in a my piree habia nor m al with an equu! Uantity ©: hot water uieht morning, Sone hte Tiesto Gout winds, Head ‘caret fut yale juolsteped with Extract upou hs ID BOON Paley LL selec Por. Khe enmation, wor Lameugsss Sore=) tie maidyat parts. { oon . ' S| withthe Extract. Is theta ow keep the parts Berne Pee pandanem Uisteued Wied . ne acé or painful part tre- guently, arly oe Extract on Keng huviatened, with the Ex- bi 1a ae pegs toothy For! jammations of ane sent n ‘various | us auidis see Book around, 8 bo For Macberk: Bathe with with Ext For Sore | the Extract two or three ties, Morice ares 4. piiateccurens Au er Exerc x. rub the raus For Earua mee, Wet some | Pond's Extract to preveut ‘evtton and place in ear, eneRs, For further Melons: consult accompanying bookirt, Guaranteed neécr the Food and Drugs Act, © Ju pe 30. 1996. No. S93. PARED | TRE POND's EXTUAC T Op. THE BEST PART OF THE SHAVE IS WHEN YOU COME TO POND’S EXTRACT RELIEVES IRRITATION | PREVENTS INFLAMMATION ASSURES COMFORT Used by men of discrimination everywhere. Sold only in sealed bottles—never in bulk. Write for interesting booklet on shaving—mailed free on request. POND’S EXTRACT COMPANY New York, N.Y.

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Banquets and dinners are satisfactory only when the wine is satisfactory. WESTERN CHAMPAGNE —the Standard of American Wines Is the banquet wine par excellence. It is the fav- orite in the homes where the choicest of everything is demanded. “Of the six American Champagnes exhibited at the Paris Exposition of 1900, the GREAT WEST- ERN was the only one that received a GOLD MEDAL.” PLEASANT VALLEY Wine Co, 4 Sole Makers, - Rheims, N.Y. Sold by respectable wine dealers everywhere.

HENRY LINDENMEYR & SONS PAPER WAREHOUSE,

SAFETY AUTOMATIC REVOVE a Y We point to the difference between the } positively and absolutely safe Iver John- son Safety Automatic Revolver and the imi- tation near-safeties. They have some device added to them to make them near-safe. ‘The safety feature of the Iver Johnson Safety is the firing mechanism itself—not some That is why you can, in perfect safety—mo# near-safety—kick it, cuff it, knock it, or spring or button device to pull or press. HAMMER THE HAMMER “SHOTS,” our booklet, tells all about it in a plain, simple way, so can’t go astray on the SAFE revolver question. Send for it—FREE. iver Johnson Safety Hammer Revolver Richly nickeled, 22 cal. rim-tire or 32 cal. center-fire, 3 inch barrel, or 38 cal. center-fire, 34-inch barrel, $6 (Extra length barrel or blued finish at slight. extra cost) i iver Johnson Safety Hammeriess Revolver Bichiy nickeled, 32 cal. center-fire, inch barrel, or $7 (Extra len, . center-fire, 34-inch barrel, - Sold by Hardware and Sporting Goods dealers_eve ealer will not supply. Look for the owl’s head on paid on receipt of price if the grip and our name on the barrel IVER JOHNSON’S ARMS AND CYCLE WORKS 152 River St., Fitchburg, Mass. New York: 99 Chambers St. San Francisco: Phil. B. Bekeart Co., 717 Market St. Hamburg, Germany: Pickhuben 4. gth barrel or blued finish at slight extra cost) here, or sent pre- 1 Hammer the Hammer

SHE (reading).— And so they were married, and_ that was.the last of their troubles. HIM ( sotto voce ).

high, glowing,d able 5 polish given metals,but the y olish Bar Keepers Friend lasts, it willshine on! It benefits all metals, minerals (AN

32, 34 and 36 Bleecker Street e — Last, but not ‘wood while <pestng them. 25c 1 Ib box. neg ty 2. 36 § aoe. } al BRANCH WAREHOUSE : 20 Beekman Street. § “EW YORK. least! — Cleveland and dealers. anw stamp ra sample to All kinds of Paper made to order. Leader. PHOTOGRAVURES Puck Proofs PRON te Puck

att

“Miniature Reproductions.

Copyright, 1908, by Keppler & Schwarmmann [

By George Blake, These are but two examples of the PUCK PROOFS. Send Ten Cents for Catalogue

” HUNGRY. Photogravure in Carbon Black, 8x 11 in. PRICE TWENTY-FIVE CENTS.

Copyright, 1906, by Keppler & Schwarzmann a

EVOLUTION OF THE ENGAGEMENT RING. By Shef Clarke. Photo Gelatine Print, 12x 9 in. The Trace Supplied by Gubeiman Publishing Company 801 Third Ave, New York.

PRICE 25 CENTS. Address PUCK, New York 295-309 Lafayette Street |

Piano Foalissimo

BuNG. — So you have succeeded in tracing back my an- cestry? What is your fee? GENEALOGIST. — Twenty guineas for keeping quiet about them.—Cassell’s.

The smoke de. luxe of those who really know, Philip Morris oe Cigarettes CAMBRIDGE regular size AMBASSADOR after-dinner size

25c. 35c. **The Little Brown Box’’

“Going up to hear that lecture on appendicitis to-day ?” “Naw; I’m tired of these organ re- citals.”— Cornell Widow.

_ ASPIRAZIONE Valse per Viekine

PILLEGRO

ForTe A THE INFLAMMABLE WALTZ. —From Le Rive.

Every lover of a good cocktail should insist that Abbott's Bitters be used in making getting the very best. ; it insures your

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| 3 a’ is welc the on

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ce de- those ‘know,

ture on ‘gan re-

e goodness of EVANS’ ALE is the natural expression of its ingredi- ents. Those who drink it are alwaysin the “ pink of condition,” and show it. In splits as well as regular size bottles. Leading Dealers and Places. C. H. EVANS & SONS, Est. 1786. Hudson, N. ¥.

2 Fon g MEN CGARS =-MADE AT KEY WEST.—

SURBRUG’S ARCADIA MIXTURE Its aromatic delicacy will surprise you. It is the most perfect blend of tobacco you ever put in your pipe—the highest class—it stands all by itself, the KING of mixtures. A tobacco that your women folks will like to have you smoke at home—you may never have known the luxury of a pipe smoke before. SEND 10 CENTS 24°27"... THE SURBRUG CO., 132 Reade St., New York THE Reat THING. | “Speaking of joy rides, did you ever have a real one?” “No.” “Never go out in a buggy along a| shady lane, with a plug of a horse and the only girl inthe world ? Say, you don’t know what life is.”—Fudlic Ledger. HE (as his wife hastens to catcha¢ar and is putting on her gloves ).—That’s it, always late. And why can't you dress in the house? I would just as soon see a woman put on her stock- ings as her gloves. SHE.—So would any other man!— The Coyote.

} “ But,” said the skeptical husband, “TI don’t see how that new store can afford to sell you everything at less |

THE FATAL LOVE —Fiom Fliegende Bilitter. Every lover ot a good cocktail should insist that Abbott's Bitters be used in making it ; insures your getting the very best. “ TaLk,” said Uncle Eben, “is sumpin’ is welcome an’ necessary. But doggone a deluge!” — Washington Star. than cost.” “Oh, that’s easily explained,” | rejoined the knowing wife. “They| sell such enormous quantities of every- | thing!”"—Chicago Daily News.

-VOW. KREMENTZ COLLAR BUTTONS | For every special need of ithe particular man. Shirt front, round or lens shaped heads, short shank. LL | Shirt collar front, lens |f or round heads, long | shank. | Back of neck, extended . , head to hold scarf, or | § dome shaped head, me- dium shank. Sleeves with detached cuffs, dome shaped, long shank. Sleeves above attached cuffs, large head, short shank. shirt waists, negligée shirts, etc. | All dealers, 61 Chestnut Street,

Also ladies’

Every button insured. KREMENTZ & Co.” “= Newark, N.J.

like rain. <A certain amount

Puck’s Original Drawings

he Original Drawings of any may be bought by persons who wish to use them for decorative purposes. Just the things to hang on the walls of your Parlor, Library, or Den.” @ Price, size, and character of each drawing will be sent on application. @ Give number of PUCK and Illustrations in PUCK page.

Address PUCK, 295—309 Lafayette St, NEW YORK

Motes. may I go out to vote? Vote for the man in the smart frock-coat, GREAT BEAR SPRING WATER. “Its Purity Has Made It 50c. per case of 6 giass stoppered bottles.

REVISED. Yes, my darling daughter. He’ll treat you to wealthy water.

Famous.” PRIVATE STOCK THE FINEST Ask for It at the Club, or Buffet ome insist on “‘Biatz”* Correspondence invited direct

Not ON THE Map. “Say!” queried the would-be humorist. “ Whereis that place Atoms that so many people are blown to ?” “Tt’s justethevotherssidesoteb ti the place in which so many- are hanged™ - person.— C/ucago News. COUNTRY-WOMAN.-—I've been ex- pecting a packet of medicine by post for a week, and haven’t received it yet. PosT-OFFICE CLERK.— Yes, madam. Kindly fill in this form, and state the nature of your complaint. CoUNTRY-WOMAN. — Well, if -you really must know, it’s indigestion. — Exchange.

Pears The goodness in Pears’ Soap is an antidote for all bad complexions. For goodness sake use Pears.’ Sold in America and elsewhere.

CoRRECTED. “ What have you been doing in the country?” “Oh, just lying around and fishing.” “You mean fishing and lying around.”— Boston Transcript. First Girt (looking at statue of the Venus de Milo ).—What terribly thick waists girls must have had in those days! Seconp Giri. — Yes; but perhaps | the gentlemen’s arms were longer.— Human Life.

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Page 16

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