Puck 1909-07-21: Vol 65 Iss 1690

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LECE ~ cot uy; ~ » "Ke NK VOL. LXV. No. 1690. 4 PUCK BUILDING, New York, July 21st, 1909. » Tastee ee s x bz OCS e 4 as Se Mor ts fe be/ ” 4 “What foo, Copyright 1909 by Keppler & Schwarzmann. Entered at N. Y. P. O. as Second-ciass Mail Matter. AFTER THE HUNT. THROWING THE CARCASE TO THE PACK.

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Published by P U €; K No. 1690. WEDNESDAY, JULY 21, 1909 A. H. FOLWBLL, Editor KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN. J KEPPLER, Pres., A. SCHWARZMANN, Vice-Pres., E. A. CARTER, Sec. and Treas. 295-309 Lafayette Street, New York.

Issued every Wednesday. - $5.00 per year. $2.50 for six months. $1.25 for three months. Payable in advance,

“What Fools Ghese Mortals Be!”’ RE you glad or sorry that you dwell in enlightened America ? If ever you are in doubt about it, remember that an American nowadays may number among his many boons and privileges the maximum and minimum tariff idea, and be glad. A maximum and minimum tariff, as construed by that most conservative of legislative bodies, the United States Senate, means a tariff in which 25 per cent. additional duty may be levied on every product of a country which discriminates against Uncle Sam. The minimum tariff is a high tariff, almost prohibitive in some schedules, and by means of it the American consumer or housekeeper is forced to pay an exorbitant tribute to home monop- oly for everything he eats, wears, or puts in his house, but that is a small matter. If Monopoly can persuade our Government that the rest of the world commercially is discriminating against the always generous and open-handed United States, then an additional tax of 25 per cent. all along the tariff line may be levied on the prosperous American consumer in order that the rash and ill-natured foreigner may be fittingly punished. If Russia, or China, or Patagonia, for instance, should incur the displeasure of the American ‘Trusts, then we ordinary mortals in America would have to pay the Trusts at least 25 per cent. more for all the things which Russia, or China, or Patagonia might send here for sale, but don’t. It is a splendid system of discipline, and it makes a mere American peasant chuckle with merriment when he thinks what a ripping good joke it is on the foreigner. It is like this: If the grocer you have been trading with will no longer sell you butter for 36 cents a pound, you get splendidly even with him by taking your trade away and buying of a grocer on the next block who will charge you 45 cents a pound. “< S!X MONTHS ago we clipped this chirp from the esteemed Sun: ‘*Senaior Knox ought to be congratuiated upon the prospect of having such a sane and well-poised President as a Chief.” Commenting on it, we said that a year thence we would remind the esteemed Suz of the above paragraph. We now remind it at the end of six months. “Sane and well-poised”— the prime mover fora corporation tax. What a sad judge of Presidents is our Park Row friend!

iter i

ioe wire APOLOGIES To WIGERT ——

A GOOD JOKE.

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OLD-FASHIONED APPARATUS FINDING AND LOSING. = the newspaper, my children, are eleven advertisements of some- thing lost, as against one lonely advertisement of something found. What does it signify? That finding is a dozen times rarer than losing, to be sure. Certainly, after two thousand years of the Sermon on the Mount, it isn’t possible that people who find are so much less anxious to rush into print than are people who lose. Ngee re y > onnta a TMFERNO ovr pone ! 10 ! BUMP CHILDREN , THE * Bue ss 5 tq: ha. SJ THROUGH oa z Se |ADES! | AND MODERN DIVING-BELLE. GIVE US A REST. ACKWARD, turn backward, O Time, if you please, Back to discussions about the Chinese; Editors, dish up some news, as of yore, About our defenses, or any old bore. Let up on Roosevelt’s African trip, Give us a murder, or stock-market tip, Call off reporters who trail him with zest, Give us a rest, won’t you? Give us a rest ! Backward, flow backward, O Time, just a while, lam so weary of eye-glass and smile ; Weary of perky accounts of his trip, gS Photos of Kermit, and views of MAD DOG!! a“? the ship, My. “@ “ Cabled dispatches of just what heate, s*" Detailed accounts of receptions of state. Grant me, I prithee, surcease of the quest, For I must have a rest, mister, must have a rest ! I have been bored long enough by the hunt, Snapshots of Ted in some corking new stunt, Beasts of all ages, conditions, and sex Patiently waiting to cash in their checks; Lions, and hippos, and elephants vast Caught by the camera breathing their last, Views of Mombasi,.and natives half dressed, — Give usa rest, hang it! Give usa rest! ! Conti, ome of the most effective uplift mov ements in history began with raising the devil, and who, after all, needs raising more?

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A STRONG CAST; OR, THE BURGLAR IN THE STUDIO. HE COMES. AUTOS AND ISTS. N AUTOMOBILE is a modern device for burning gaso- line and money. Some- times they “burn up” the road, ‘too, and what to do with “scorchers” is a burning question. The “scorchers” doubtless think they are having a “hot time,” and_ pedestrians also think they will have a hot time —in the hereafter. So it looks like one long, continuous “ joy ride.” But about autos. “To buy, or not to buy ?—that is the ques- tion.” Whether ’tis nobler to suffer the outrageous conde- scension of your auto-owning neighbors, or spend your modest pile for a forty-horse-power go- devil and show ’em the way? Shall you please your pride or He Goes. run over a cow, that counts four —for the cow. If you run over thirty miles an hour, you can count on twenty-five dollars and costs. You are sure to run over something—if only a pedestrian ; but while you can hit nearly every pedestrian, you can’t make a hit with any of them. ‘That seems strange, too, for an autoist ought tobe popular. He makes his mark everywhere he goes, rubs up against all classes of people, and gives many of them a boost— but nobody loves him. It’s a sad, selfish world — every man for himself,and the motorist takes the hindmost. ; W. B. Kerr. PRESENCE OF MIND. M* Puan (roaring from the top of the stairs. )—Mil- risk your reputation? If you buy an auto, you will save time; if you don’t buy one you will save money. Now, if time is money—what’s the answer? And what car to buy ?—that’s a worse puzzle. They say a touring-car auto runabout sixty miles an hour if — but never mind! They all go fast enough — when they go at all. It’s when they won’t go that your trouble begins. Sometimes it takes “ push ” to make a car go, but it is easier if you have a “pull.” In any case keep coming. Take for your motto: No wheel-tracks backward —for if you try to back up the car may “get its back up” and back you off the precipice. That would be a bad back- down, so face about your runabout and pull for the shore. Motoring is a great game, Pennie its disadvantages. It is easier than lawn- tennis and more moral than golf. In playing tennis you must run and jump; in motoring, you make other people run and jump. To be a good golfer you must know how to cuss; in motoring, the pedestrians and horse-drivers do the cussing —which saves your energy and standing as a church member. And the game is easy to score. If you run over a chicken, that is a foul and doesn’t count. If you run over a dog, that counts two. If you AS NOVELISTS SAY. ‘Ile was a tall, dark, dashing young man.”’ “ HE’S GONE!”’ dred! What is that young man doing down there so late? MILDRED (sweetly ).—He’s just doping out how the teams will finish for the pennant. Mr. Puan (mollified. )— All right. not overlooking past performances and the possibility of a slump, and when he gets done he can compare with my list behind the clock on the book-case. Tell him to take his time, DIAGNOSED. ee edge FaRE.— What! Two dol- lars! Whom do you take me for, a stranger in New York? CasBy.— No, sir; I took you for a New Yorker. AGREEABLE. eS I tell your fortune, sir? Broke y.— Yes. to hurry up. Tell it MOTION FOR A STAY OF PROCEEDINGS. sie avanhdts clouds are the ones in which twe are quickest to discern the silver lining.

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: EXCUSE A LA AFRICA. INDIGNANT OLD LApy.—You wicked, wicked boy! Aren’t you ashamed of yourself, slaughtering those innocent birds ? Boy.—I ain't slaughterin’ ’em, lady! I’m out gettin’ speci- ments for de Smit’sonian Institoot. A WANDER SONG. agp WANT to go back to the far, far places, (Wherever they are —I’1l be hanged tf I know !) To the open road and the desert spaces. (That line sounds good, and it ought to “ go.’’) The East is calling with voices tender; (Though I’ve never been East of Brooklyn town.) The Wild West lures with its purple splendor ; (I have n’t been West, but I'll write it down !) “Comrade, return,”’ come the rovers’ voices, (Can a fellow return where he’s never - been ?) “To the trail which ever the heart rejoices: s> (I'd rather live in a twelve-by-ten.) The broad sea calls with a crash of thunder; (1’ve heard it thunder at Coney Isle.) I feel the thrall of an ancient wonder ; (I wonder if editors like this style ?) The call is stronger than all resistance (But not so strong that it’s got me yet), So I’ll have done with this pent existence (But not while my salary’s safe, you bet !) I’m sick of the city’s selfish clamor ' (Yet hardly so ill that tt gives me pain), And I’m off afoot to the lands of glamour ! (No, thanks, I’1l ride on a Pullman tratn.) Berton Braley. wd RISK. 5s eT French may now buy our stocks on their Bourse. MUuLBERRY.—They would find it safer to marry them, as usual. CHECKMATED. “Co you did n’t take any part in the campaign, Uncle Silas?” “Naw. Jim Higgins, the school-teacher, and Eb Miller, the lawyer, gobbled up ‘Vox Populi’ and ‘Unum ex Pluribus’ right at the start, and with them two nomderplums gone, and nobody in town knowin’ any more Latin, the rest of us fellers could n’t do any writin’ for the public press at all, by gum!” SERIAL. + ier PRESSES, thundering to print the million copies of the current number, could not drown the clamor of the mob that besieged the doors. “Advance proofs of that thrilling, big new ser- ial!” roared a thousand voices, hoarsely menacing. The editor had no thought of yielding—he was pale, but résolute. And then, all at once, a strange impulse seized him. He rose and went to the win- dow, and beheld from thence women and children dying oy of curiosity in the street . below! “Great God!” he cried, starting back, and now pity commanded what fear could not extort. He sprang to the composing-room and hurried back with an armful of proofs, which he threw out. ‘What is business, as against the dictates of humanity!” he muttered, his heart warming at sight of the people’s profound relief. KEEPING IT UP. Vy" TOR (in canning factory.)—What are you kicking that pineapple around for? EMpPLoyEE.—I’m trying to get it up on that table so we can put it into the cans. Visrror.—Of all the foolishness! Why on earth don’t you pick it up? EmpLoyer.—Never. It’s against the rules. We’d lose our fifty years’ standard of purity. If you ever read our advertisements you must know that none of our products are touched by hand from the time they enter the factory until they are opened on your kitchen table. A SLAM AT BRIDGE. = How do you like your coffee, Mr. Bridge-Fiend ? Mr. BripGe-F1END.— Simple honors in sugar and a chicane in cream, please. ne. MOVERS. CAPTAIN KID.

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SANDPIPERS.

THE NEW ARRIVAL. <DTILLMAN came down to the office a little late, but the expression on his face bore evidence that something of a pleasing nature had taken place. “Increase in family ?” ventured Coleman, with his know- it-all air. ‘Well, something of the kind,” said Stillman cheerily. “What is it, a girl?” “Guessed right the first time, didn’t you?” was the reply. : “A bouncer, I suppose?” “Yes, fairly good-sized. Above the average, I should say.” “Of course. Arrived all safe and sound, eh?” persisted the youth, for he felt that he had an interested audience with him. “Qh, yes.” “Wife pleased ? “Exactly.” “Suppose you'd rather it had been a boy, had n’t you ?” “ Hardly.” “Glad you’re pleased. And the cigars, when do we get ’em ?” “Cigars? What cigars?” “Why, did n’t you say you had an increase in the family ?” “Well, yes, something of the sort, but not exactly the kind of Just the article she wanted, I suppose ?”

NOT ALL HAY IS MADE WHILE THE SUN SHINES. an increase you are figuring on. You see, I’ve just succeeded in engaging a cook..... And say, Coleman, wien you bring around those cigars, I'll have one.” Lewis Alvin. THE PESSSIMIST. W'° KNOCK the pessimist at times, Because in gloom he glories; But here’s a boost—he never tries To tell us funny stories. ESSENCE OF SPORT. “4 | ~~ DOEs your husband manage in the winter when the auto- mobile season is over?” “Fine. He takes up bowling and tries to kill the pin-boys!” THE MUSES. i Sue literary. Muses carried each of them a pastepot and brush. “Our chief business nowadays,” they hastened to explain, “is gluing readers’ attention to various things !” And not, perhaps, without a note of restrained sorrow that they should have come to this. coat

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PUCK

A WOMAN SCORNED. ‘AE ai is = OU ARE the editor? ” ‘The lady who asked the question was tall and severe of mien. She had an aquiline nose and a loftiness of manner that made even an editor of twenty years’ standing feel a trifle servile under the piercing gaze of her cold gray eye. “Ves, I Can I——” “And you sent me back my story—you/ I want you to understand that I have a line of ancestry as ancient as that of any lady in the land, and you sent my story back to me! I can trace my ancestry right back to the Mayflower and beyondit. ‘he Stuarts of Scot- land, the DeMaurys of j «“ But, madam, I fail to see “ Refrain from addressing me, sir! I have the right to be a Daughter of the American Revolution on both my father’s and my mother’s side of the house! And one of my ancestors was a Signer of the Declaration of Independence, and the bluest blood of New England is in my veins, and yet you sent my story back! My father’s grandfather was 2 “But, madam, I have “There is not a blot nor a blemish on the name I bear, sir! It stands for all that is most exclusive and noble. The De Percys of Virginia, the Montmorencies of England, the Kensingtons of Kentucky, the St. Clairs of New England —I am directly or dis- tantly related to all of them, and yet you had the audacity to return to me a story I lowered myself in my own esteem by sending to you —a story that the most competent literary critics told me was so much better than anything you had ever published that they wondered that I thought of permitting you to even read it, and yet e “ Let me tell you that “You may well sue for pardon. If my honored brother, the late Major’ De Witt Frothingham, were alive to reseut the insult offered to his sister and to our family by—yes, to our family, for the spirit of loyalty is so strong in our family that an insult offered to am the editor.

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THE MOTOR-BOAT 4 one is an insult to all. The late Paul Mortimer Fessenden De Courcy was my own cousin but two degrees removed, and Brigadier-General Dennett and my own mother were ——” “This has nothing to do with ——” és Be remember that you are having the privilege of addressing a lady. I want you to know that the Eveleths of Maryland were my father’s cousins, and Judge Poindexter-Jones was my mother’s relative by mar- riage, and I have in my posses- good enough to sion the original coat-of-arms of my father’s English ances- tors. Will you have the good- ness to look at this amulet ? It was once the property of a De Courcy of England, ‘This pin I am wearing was worn by Lady Clementina Ethelweld Ethelbert Sylvester, who was related to my father’s family, and I can show you in mv home a silver tea-urn that Madame Eugenia Elizabeth - 4 f “ This has nothing to do with your story, my dear mad “It has everything to do with the insult offered to me in the returning of my story. No less than five of my ancestors were known in the literary world, and yet you have the audacity to—— _ Sir, I shall retire and communicate with the Hon. Ells- worth Etherington, my second cousin, and you will hear from him. M. W.

IN FLORIDA.

OUR NOVELS. fw novels are usually much ado about nothing. The ado is well done, on the whole, but still it’s about nothing. The people in them are n't so atro- ciously bad, only they do make themselves seem rather unreal by the seriousness with which they take the tangled web we weave when we practice to write a seller. When miture is too much for us, we hold the mirror up to a species of super- nature, conceiving demigods of lath and plaster, and making material of their queer loves and hates and hopes and fears. ‘That is tolerably safe ground, because nobody understands the psychology of demigods, and one man’s

THE POOR MAN’S CLUB. Wuy Nor Equip Ir WitH A CLuB WINDOW? guess is as good as another. R. B. = A SQUARE DEAL. Arthur gave Marie a kiss, To She keep promptly it give it Seemed back unfair ; again — Marie is on the square. ‘Ne A VERY BAD ELEMENT. perro paper says that people who pursue a high-handed course ought to be punished. What kind of a course is that, pa? Pa.—It’s the system a man plays on when ys play he won’t bet on anything less than a royal flush - . 2 5 . . < or four of a kind. ~The paper is right, my son; it is just such lukewarm sports that are killing the J | 7 great American game. AcpreT FEVER nC

what we wish to believe. 55 Y Otte authority” its ’most anybody who is so fortunate as to have stated

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THE NATIONAL Ir You Haven’t Any Money, Yo

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PICK TIONAL CHAPERONE. y Money, You Ngeepn’t Come AROUND.

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PUCK WHAT TO DO WITH THE SOUVENIR POST-CARDS. By Mrs. MARGARET BANGSTER. sya SHALL we do with the souvenir post-cards? This vital’ question is being daily asked by nearly every man, woman, and child throughout the country. Mother, father, sister, brother, cousin, aunt, uncle, friend, enemy—each in turn, whether he travel near or far, to Brooklyn or to Africa, has my Se caused the post-cards to flow back until aa now they have accrued beyond control. “Zr A), in Ayn eve sen rr Ries ay ke : Nt Mts noun Za are $ The album was full long ago, the REVISED CEREMONY. THe RECTOR.— Do you, Henry, take this woman for your wedded wife? Will you love her. comfort her, and hook her up? shoe-box in which you used to keep them has become inadequate, and the parlor table is overflowing with the messages and scenic views. Hence comes the question: What shall we do with the souvenir post-cards ? Fortunately, the Govern- ment has stipulated that all souvenir postals be one size, which eliminates confusion in this regard, and somewhat facilitates their disposal. But the cards may be divided into several classes. There are the leather cards, the burnt-wood cards, and last, but not least, cards. These latter, being greatest in number, should be attacked first. These cards should be bundled in stacks two or three inches high. In this form they are an efficient substitute for building brick, and may satisfactorily be used in the construction of an addition to the house, a woodshed, or a small barn. The average family will have accumulated enough of the ordinary lithographed cards to build all three. If a few of these bundles remain over, the cards, cut in half, may conveniently be used to place under the legs of tables and chairs, in case the furniture is too low, and it is desired toraise it from the floor. Cut up into shreds, and covered with mayonnaise sauce, the cards make a delicious salad, which would be especially appropriate to serve at post-card parties, which Mrs. Bangster will discuss in a future issue. To prepare the tinseled cards for use, with a pair of shears cut from each card the common lithographed THAT SUDDEN CHILL. Percy POLARBEAR.—Please, Pa, can’t [ go in for a swim? Mr. PoLARBEAR.—Just let me catch you! Don't you know you should avoid ice-water during the summer ? wise, they may be used in place of lath for any kind of a frame building. For starting fires, either furnace, range, or grate, these cards serve most efficiently. We find that the men of the house are always very willing to start the fires when these souvenir cards are given them as fuel. ‘The leather cards, when cut into strips about an inch wide, and sewed end on end, make good leather stock for the construc- tion of harnesses, trunk-straps, hammock supports, belts, etc. It has been calculated that about ten thousand of these cards are suf- ficient to make a complete pony harness, two trunk-straps, a ham- mock support, and a belt for either a lady or gentleman. So these things may now be secured for any home with no expense. Scraps : of the leather that pertion which contains the tinsel. When you have thus secured all the tinseled portions, paste them close to- gether on a piece of tough wrap ping-pa- per. ‘This makes a first-class sand-paper, which will be found very handy when there are jobs of painting or carpentry to be done about the house. The burnt- wood post-cards are adaptable to many uses. Cut into splinters with a jackknife, they make excel- lent toothpicks. Sawed in two, length- LYFHALI SUMMER CORRESPONDENCE ‘*We Have Come To A PERFECTLY HEAVENLY PLACE.” sf /) -Y Z remaining, ] ; “left-over,” Meas stewed, par- Nail | 4 Foe _ | boiled and well Z “4 g seasoned, mike a most deli- cious Worces- Don Kahn. = THEN. S "M SURE I don’t know why they call this hotel ‘The Palms. Do your I’ve never seen a palm anywhere near the place.” “You'll see them before you go. It’s a pleasant little surprise the waiters keep for the guests on the last day of their stay.” =. bAw ILLUSTRATED LITERALLY. tershire sauce. - "pent Py

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UT": for the sun, with Ben Franklinic frown, Has uppercut the highest roof in town- Arise! jump out upon the cheerless floor, And take the morning bath, and then rub down. While yet I warmed with exercisial heat Meheard a voice solicitous repeat : “The Breakfast Food is getting cold as ice; Why don’t you hurry and come down and eat?” And as they thundered on the chamber door I said: “I’ve told you fifty times before That Breakfast Food is caviare to me — I am not eating breakfast any more.” Eat! If the Mind Unbreakfasted promotes _All sorts of clever thinking, and just dotes On doing mental jobs, were ’t not a shame To clog its workings up with Grandpa’s Oats? As lately with a dietetic rake I lingered in the lunch-room to partake Of Necessary Nourishment — Behold! The waiter came and handed us a steak. The Steak ! the Family Doctor’s partner, viz.: The Steak, the Mother of the Rheumatiz And Gout, and every other old disease That puts the Ignorati out of biz. “Yet Cream,’’ say some, “or Cheese, or Milk, at least, Is needful for the Health-Foodarian feast :”’ Give me some {’eas and Beans and Garden Sass, And darn the old Unsanitary Beast. Some Peanut Butter from a leafy cow, Six Dates, a dab of Olive Oil, and Thou Beside me Fletcherizing Uncooked Bread, And that ’s what I call Solid Comfort now. One day (an ever-memorable date) I found the place where Horace Fletcher ate; And when I asked: “ What is the secret, Hod?” He said: “’T is Masticate and Masticate. “ Some from the Stack of Buckwheat Cakes are barred, And others cannot eat things Cooked in Lard; Ridiculous! Just get an appetite, Then pick out what you like and chew it hard!” Ah, Horacé Fletcher, just supposing you Could organize the eats of life anew, — Would you not hale the clubman from his grill, And make him earn his chowder with his chew? Reader, think not the Dietist who knews Will let Youth’s manuscript come to a close, Nay, even as all youthful MSS., His will run ad infinitum like those. So, Thoughtless Eater, when you get to be Decrepit at the age of eighty-three, - - You ’ll see a Lithe Old Gentleman at golf, Or running Marathons, and he ’Il be Me. Horatio Winslow. THE TROUBLE WITH TROUBLES. be: ACQUIRE a set of troubles seems to be an easy matter. Appa- rently they come to us without our half trying; and it is this ease in getting them that oftentimes fools us. We let them do all the work. We take them in and give them food and shelter, and support them as best we can, but scarcely ever without complaining. Sometimes they get the best of us entirely, and we go about com- plaining that there is no living with them. Now, the main trouble with our troubles is that we do not use our opportunities in selecting them. We assume that we have no voice in the matter, and allow them to bully us into believing that they have a right to be with us. No doubt this is true; but at least it is in our power to select them, and it is in this selection that comfort should lie. Most of our troubles are too much alike. There is a sameness about them that is the cause of our unhappiness. What we should do : is to select such a variety of troubles that they will offset each other. / Thus, we may if we like become a sort of clearing-house, doing a large and lucrative business in troubles, and yet, when the day’s work is over, carrying over only a small balance to : Loss and Gain. The moment that a new trouble arrives on the scene, and marks us out as its headquarters, we should immediately look over the field for another trouble that will undoubtedly neu- tralize its effect. The value of such an arrangement is at once apparent: Ifa set of troubles, all bearing the same characteristics, starts in to worry us to death, we can never become too much absorbed in them. We must be courteous to the other and entirely different set. Thus we keep our balance, through that variety which is always the spice of a well-ordered life. 7. L. M. THE LOCAL EXPERT. oe BOARDER (Just arrived from Boston ).—What are the six best sellers in this locality ? FARMER STUBBLEGRASS.—That depends on whether you want to store pertaters or cider in ’em. YW si i YY Mt Hf \) NM \ \ b UY Upp i y SUGGESTED BY THE ’VARSITY BOAT RACES. FATHER (rhythmically).—Chew! Chew! Harder, Seven! Don’t swallow yet, Six! Chew! Chew! Watch papa, Two! Altogether, Three! No dyspepsia for us! Steady! Strong! Just ten more bites! Chew! he devil has only to be a poor the most of us. dewil and he'll pass for an honest man with

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‘MopERN EDUucATION. “ Johnny is having trouble in preparing his lessons to-day.” “ How’s that ?” “The teacher says he must bring six grasshoppers to school to-morrow, and grasshoppers are scarce.”— Washington Herald. War. Mrs. CHurcH.— You say she was a war correspondent? Mrs. GorHamM.— Yes; she was secretary of a woman’s club! — Yonkers Statesman. “\aTCcHMAN, What of the Night?” was the subject of William J. Bryan’s recent speech at Columbus, Ohio. And Miss Democracy answers: “The Night is Dark, and | Am Far from Home. You Led Me On.”— Boston Traveler. BROMO~ SELTZER CURES HEADACHES 10¢,25¢ 50¢ & $129 Bottles. Dewars famous Scotch Whisky & Excelicnt in Every Way PUCK PROOFS Photogravures from PUCK Copyright, 1908, by Keppler & Schwarzmann Owing to the many requests from our patrons for a larger size print of “THE FIRST AFFINITY,” we now have on sale a handsome photogravure in Carbon Black, 13x 1934 in. Price One Dollar, postage paid. @ Address PUCK, 295 to 309 Lafayette St., New York THE FiRST AFFINITY. By Carl Hassmann. Photogravure in Carbon Black, 13 x 19% in. CR PRICE ONE DOLLAR. Trade Supplied by the Gubelman Publishing Co., 801 Third Avenue, New York. Two MissEs. “Now that you’re living in the country,” said Cityman, “don’t you miss the early morning noise and bustle of the city?” “TI do,” replied Subbubs, “if I miss the 7:10 train.” — Catholic Standard and Times. Tue Anarchist was examining the new infernal machine. ‘“ The fellow who made this did a pretty bomb job,” he remarked, and the shell exploded with laughter.— Harvard Lampoon. A BAD BREAK. MEIER.— Vat? Cohenstein tried to bribe der Regatta Committee? BARGAINBAUM.— Dot ’s vot dey say. His boat, der Déscoundt, had to gif der others ten minutes in der fifteen-mile race, und Cohenstein asked der ‘chairman of der committee vould he take ten off for cash? Every lover of a good cocktail should insist that Abbott's Bitters be used in making it ; insures your getting the very best. $inc a $onc or $TELLa. $ee $weet $tella and her hat; Directoire gown, and all of that. I$n’t $he a wing$ome $prite? Ifn’t $he a goodly Fight? $tella, $tella, fond and true; expen five, but we mu$t have you.— Washington Herald. FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING. “That girl’s graduation essay shows remarkable maturity of thought.” “Yes,” answered Miss Cayenne, “she looks like sweet sixteen, but she writes like sixty.”"— Washington Star. He (just rejected). —1 shall never marry now. SuHe.—Foolish man! Why not? He.—If you won’t have me, who will ?— Boston Transcript. th th Ca Vo tw

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at h Gi EBEER MILLE R-MILWAUKEE 4 A Goop GUESSER. Berkowitz and Sternberg, traveling salesmen, met on the train. “IT have just come from St. Louis, where I did a tremendous business,” said Berkowitz. “ How much do you tiink I sold ?” “ How should I know?” replied Sternberg. “Of course you don’t know, but vhat do you guess ?” “Oh, about half.” “ Half of vhat ?” “Why, half vhat you say.”—LZverybody’s. - THREE CHANCES. ‘“‘ Baltimore has three saloons to one policeman.” “That gives you three guesses as to where the policeman is.” — Princeton Tiger. NATURAL AFFINITIES. “ There seems to be a strange affinity between a Negro and a chicken.” “ Naturally. One is descended from Ham and the other from eggs.” — Kansas City Journal. ‘| Take the strawberries away.” “ What’s the matter with them?” wears better ones on her hat!”—x. “Tsn’r it a shame to keep those poor lions caged ?” “Madam,” answered the keeper at the Zoo, “they ’re much happier and \safer than they would be roaming the | African jungles.”— Washington Star. A Goop PLAace. “Young man, you are well preserved ; you ought to live to a good old age.” “IT was canned at Stanford, Doc.” — Stanford Chapparal. ON THE DIAMOND. Catcuer.— Here comes a spit-ball. Barrer.—Well, watch me lace it. CatTcuER.— It don’t need lacin’. Barrer. — It will when I’m through with it.— Columbia Jester. EXTINCT. TEACHER. — Bessie, name one bird that is now extinct. LirrLe Besste.— Dick. ‘TEACHER.— What sort of a bird is that ? LirrLe Bessie.—Our canary. The cat extincted him. — Zhe Presbyterian. to be right. Shaving Soap. Mailed by us postpaid on receipt of asc., if your druggist fails to supply you. Trial size (enough for fifty shaves) sent postpaid for 4c. in stamps. THE J.B. WILLIAMS COMPANY Department A, Glastonbury, Conn. Williams *320* GUIAMS soap “The kind that won’t smart or dry on the face.” What most men continue to believe in is pretty sure Most men are life-long users of Williams’ Rees ' 6©Box 3 Hinged y Top “Your hair wants cutting badly, sir,” said a barber to a customer. “No, it doesn’t,” replied the man in the chair; “it wants cutting nicely. You cut it badly last time.” Democratic Telegram. “Ir is the duty of every man and woman to be married at the age of | twenty-two,” said the lecturer. “Well,” said the old girl of thirty, with some asperity, “you need n’t tell Talk to the man.”—Philadelphia Ledger. me that. A CRITICAL MOMENT. £ AMATEUR HyPNoTIST (with some trepidation). — L-lie d-down, s-s sir! m-m-maltese k-kitten. You are not a d-d-dog at all; you are a GREAT BEAR SPRING WATER. “Its Purity Has Made It Famous.” 50c. per case of 6 glass stoppered bottles. “They’re green. Why, man, my wife | } JOHN JAMESON WHISKEY W. A. TAYLOR & Oo. SOLE AGENTS New YorzE SpECTATOR.—Why don’t they begin the duel ? “They are waiting for the photog- rapher.”—Meggendorfer Blitter. FATHER (carving turkey ).—Which will you have, my boy, dark or light ? ABSENT-MINDED OneE.— Piel, thank you.u—Princeton Tiger. TEACHER (stfern/y ),—Willie Waffles, you were late this morning. WiLLtice Warries (d/ushing). — Yes’m. I had to get up in the night Nickeled |: and go for the doctor. TEACHER.—Well, Willie, I will ex- cuse you this time, but I hope it will never happen again. WiLiig.— That’s what my father said! — 7ruth. BUNNER’S Short Stories SHORT SIXES They will delight all sorts and conditions of readers — Pittsburgh Dispatch The Runaway Browns Will bring more than one hearty laugh even from those unused to smile. —WN., P. & S. Bulletin. Made in France Though the creations are De Maupassant’s the style is Bun- ner’s, and we are well acquainted with that quaint humor and orig- inality. — Detrort Free Press. More Short Sixes You smile over their delicious absurdities, perhaps, but never roar because they are “awfully funny."’— Boston Times. The Suburban Sage Mr. Bunner in the present vol- ume writes in his most happy mood, — Boston Times. Five Volumes, in Cloth, - $5.00 or separately : Per Volume. - - 1.00 For sale by all Booksellers, or by mail from the Publishers on receipt of price. Address: PUCK, New York.

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/ | Iii un tina Hf] ipl) hee a — oth f mm INTELLECTUAL REPARTEE. Mr. BiLLow.—Now, don’t get in beyond your depth, my dear Mrs. Beacon-Streete. Mrs. BEACON-STREETE.—That is not likely, Mr. Billow. You know I come from Boston.

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From Her VIEWPOINT. Stour Lapy (in theatre, to youth who has asked her te remove her hat. j}— Sit still. The play isn’t fit for a boy like you to see!—Fiiegende Blatter.

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THE SONG OF THE MOTORIST. Oh, I am an Auto-mo-bil-ist, And I sail the bounding pike, -I give my high-geared wheels a twist And go wherever [ like. I bound along o’er the country roads, Past fresh green fields and farms, And with what joy my heart explodes As I breast the thank-you-marms. I strew the way with butter and eggs When I hit a grocer’s cart, And once in a while a grocer’s legs And the grocer come apart. To smash bang into a load of hay, And scatter it left and right, With a Yeave-ho-ho and Tara-di-ay, Is a source of sheer delight. No care have I of the sort that chills The man who is soon to ‘‘ bust.” Whenever I note my unpaid bills I go out and raise the dust. I raise it here and I raise it there Till it reaches the spreading skies, And I find enough, and plenty more, To throw in my creditors’ eyes.

; So it’s Ho for my trusty Automobile And Hi for my bounding pike! Let others rave over the horse and wheel — The tame and the arduous bike. Let others rave o'er the brigantine That plows through the realm of the conch, It’s for me the car of gasoline With its glorious Honk-honk-honk! — Washington Times. | | | | | 1912.—Does he really take hold of | his work ? 1g11.—Probably. You see, he’s a tutor for a nineteen-year-old girl. — Harvard Lampoon. RK K KKK RAR KK MRNA EKER ARREARS MMMM MER KKK XKRKMNRHRAKAKE KAMMERER KE NK RE B®

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The traveling salesman had looked at Mrs. Dolan’s third-floor-back, and found it neat and attractive. “I'll take it for two months,” he said, ‘and I always pay as-I go. I suppose that will house whin folks goes; they’re liable to be called off suddent whin I’m out “Tt will not,” said Mrs. Dolan, firmly. ‘There’s times I’m not in the o’ the way. My boarders pays whin they come—or else they don’t come.”— Youth's Companion. Too UNCERTAIN.

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2S? cine POOWOOOOOOGQOOOOOQOOOQOOQOOOOOOOOOOOS PCOOOOOOQOOO®@ © REST, RELIEF, cause thousands to retreat to purer, life-giving air in sound of the breakers or the rustling leaves of mountain groves. These are the Scenes of health and hospitality, where HUNTER BALTIMORE RYE An Absolutely Pure Whiskey, brings cheer and comfort to those who wisely provide it. Sold at all first-class cafes and by jobbers. WM. LANAHAN & SON, Baltimore, Ma. OOOGOOOOQOOOOOOODOOOOOOODOOOGDODQOGOOOOOOQOQOOOOE RECREATION GOOOPOOO@QOQOO Honest Pa. “rat” “ What now, Johnny?” “When you was in the war, did you fight all the time ?” “ No, Johnny. We had to stop every now and then to borrow tobacco of each other!" —Cleveland Leader. THE DRAMA. Acrorinr.—How’s your new show getting on ? SaLt Omie.—Had the first undress rehearsal to-day.— Purple Cow. to pay. SURBRUG’S ARCADIA MIXTURE The tobacco with a regret. The regret is that you have wasted so many years before you began smoking ARCADIA. The great Gouthediend of pipe smokers, who ap- preciate a soothing and meditative pipe, and are trying to find a tobacco that satisfies rfectly, will find their ideal in ARCADIA MIXTURE, If you have never had the luxury of smoking ARCADIA d aM SEND 10 CENTS pee if Tf you are a devotee send us a eulogy. THE SURBRUG CO., 132 Reade St., New York His Trip To SEA. A boy told one of his playmates he was getting ready to run away to sea. Several months afterward the boys met and the playmate wanted to know if the other had been at sea. “Yes,” was the reply; “I was found out, and went on a whaling expedition with father.” — Chicago Record- Herald. AUTHORITATIVE. “I suppose it’s because she’s a sewing-school teacher. “* What ?” “ That when she addresses her class she always starts out with a big hem.” —Kunsas City Times. Ou, soon the bold joy-rider Will invite his bestest girl, And in the borrowed airship on the swinging seat beside her, Through the realms of upper darkness will enjoy a starry whirl. Cleveland Plain Dealer. Mary GARDEN ABROAD. PATIENCE.—I see Salome has gone to Europe, and taken 18 trunks with her. Patrice.—She’ll have a lot of duty “ Why?” *« Because persons always have to pay duty on clothes they haven't worn.” — Yonkers Statesman. SUNDAY-SCHOOL TEACHER. —AIll | the boys who want to go to Heaven will please rise. WILLIE GREEN-—Why, teacher — | excuse me—but that’s the only way they can go to Heaven!—Sohemian Magazine. His DocuMenTs. “T like you, Fred. I like your looks; But you ’ve never read ”— And she shook her head— ** Five feet of books!” “Mere bookish lore, My dearest Pearl,” Said Fred, “is a bore! But I do adore Five feet of girl!” —Chicago Tribune. THe DeatTH oF GAMING. “All gambling must be stopped within the jurisdiction of this court,” thundered the Judge. “ Bet you a fiver it can’t be done!” said the District Attorney. “Put up your money!” said the Judge, reaching for his roll. — Pudlic Ledger. peace bhriclels Cait int Rava Candy Coated ewing Gum Particularly Desirable after Dinner BETTER— STRONGER More lasting in flavor than any other. A try—a test— Goodbye to the rest! and 2S¢ packets & INCREDIBLE. ‘* What is there remarkable about Miss Van Dyne’s ancestors? ”’ ‘*None of them who fought in the Revo- lution was an officer.’’ Few kinds have lived as long—none will live longer CAMBRIDGE regular size AMBASSADOR after-dinner size 25c¢ 35c ** The Little Brown Bax ’’ Rare Birps. A graduate of an Eastern law- school wrote to a prominent lawyer in Arkansas to find out what chance there would be for him in that part of the country. “T am a Republican in politics,” he wrote, “and an honest young lawyer.” “If you are an honest lawyer,” came the reply, “you will have no competition, and if you are a Repub- lican the game-laws will protect you.” —LEverybody's. TEACHER. — Johnny, what is the meaning of the word “ procrastinate ?” Pupit.—To put off. TEACHER.—Right. originai sense. Pupit.— The brakeman procrasti- nated the tramp from the train. — Cleveland Leader. Use it in an MENNEN’S BORATED TALCUM TOILET POWDER After Shaving. Insist that your barber use Mennen's Toilet Powder after he shaves you, itis Antiseptic, and will preveat an of the skin diseasesoften contracted, A positive relief for Prickiy Heat, | Chafing and Sanbera, and al! afflictions of the skin, Removes all odor of perspiration. Get Hennen’s—the original, Sold everywhere, or mailed for 5 cents. Sample /ree. GERHARD MENNEN CO., Newart:, N. J. APPLIED TO THE Moror, TEACHER.—What do you mean by the “ quick and the dead” ? Boy. — Well, the quick get out of the way of the motor-cars, and the dead don’t.—Lippincott’s. WatTcHFUL Moruer. — Beryl, are young Mr. Ketchley’s intentions serious ? CHARMING DaUGHTER.—They are, but he does n’t know it yet.— Chicago Tribune. SBivpaiak Gah mes Bota yleh

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ie. _ THE PUCK PREsS AS USUAL. The animals were passing into the Ark, when suddenly a hitch in the proceedings occurred. The procession halted. ‘¢ What’s the trouble in there?’’ demanded Noah, from the bank. ‘* Both of the hogs insist upon having the end seat,” replied Ham, from the gangway.

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PUCK