Puck 1902-07-16: Vol 51 Iss 1324

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VOL. LI. PUCK BUILDING, New York, July 16th, rgoa. No. 1324, 5 Copyright, 1902, by Keppler & Schwarzmann. ——— } TE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS, / Corres RECEIVED “d 16 1902 10 petite oA ass XXe. No “> ne\ eo | coPY 8. WONd "Sele LABOR’'S IDEA OF ELEVATING ITSELF. PRICE TEN CENTS Enterec at N. Y. P. O. as Second-ciass Mail Matter.

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ee ee ee ease iS ae GROWTH. The cobbler found his patron’s shoes Were rather small, and so On shoe-trees put he them; for there, As he remarked, if anywhere, Shoes surely ought to grow! OF NO CONSEQUENCE. YY —_ FARMER BENTOVER.—Colone]l Waggajaw keeps insistin’ that he is i “ not a candidate for Congress. \ FARMER HoRNBEAK.— Waal, that ’s highly unimportant, even if untrue. |r 1s certainly a mystery how office-boys, with their confining duties, and only four grandmothers, all told, acquire their exhaustive knowledge of base-ball. Go F is not likely to take the place of church-going, altogether, owing partly to our being naturally a religious people and partly to it not being possible for a woman to golf creditably in more than about one hundred dollars’-worth of clothes. AN OPINION. Wy ‘Ah! Thou art a little hard on him, dame!” og ‘* Indeed ?” \ ‘Ay. A woman should show some consideration for the «weaker sex.” yas can SHAKSPERE CONFIRMED. i =) My i td Ge +4 9 a) y He does n’t think it; he hopes to be = ON OF) The same to me when we ’re home. You outs 2, O-MORROW morning he’s going. We Shall say good-by —and our last, although “ ZS ) ” know Ca aN That is n’t possible. Why, he goes ae Cc To public school, and his home’s a flat ) Quite three blocks west of our house! A Suppose WE " Mama would sanction a match like that ? And yet poor Arthur adores me. | At first encouraged him thoughtlessly; Then he grew dearer, and by and by — Ah! I shali suffer as much as he! He ‘ll say I’m horrid and make a fuss Because I ’m dutiful and obey My Ma’s decision it ’s best for us To part and journey a separate way. It ’s all so sad and romantic, too; Like Juliet they ’ve been playing here, Who loved her Romeo, but who knew Her haughty parents would interfere. ’ But she was wicked. She answered ‘‘ No’ A TREMENDOUS CHANGE. And then they died. Did you ever know ‘Dat ’s it, Mame! To their commands and became his wife. You kin see his mother is pettin’ an’ spoilin’ him, rhat plays were written so true to life? an’ I s’pose he ‘ll go along dat way till he gits married! ” Layton Brewer. **Yes; an’ den he won’t hardly know what struck him!” Shiba rie re Tae sd a * ener WONT E NAS SSO cy tee a ee aa eta! art Ay

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are veer sands tes oti Bao DRAYS and baggage vans are piled With trunks and with valises ; And off to mountain, lake and beach, Go daughters, wives and nieces But down among the counting-rooms And offices you ‘ll find them Those hapless and deserted souls The men they left behind them Oh! Windows closely curtained are, And porches bare of laces ; Pajamas and a twinkling tip Of life the only traces For maid and matron vainly seek But here, where Fate designed them, Roam ‘round, like restless, lonesome ghosts, The men they left behind them ‘So cool one needs a jacket on You tell of Aea/— How funny! Please telegraph a hundred, quick, I’m nearly out of money!” And coatless, collarless e’en more; With comments never mind them; Dip deep the pen, and draw the check, The men they left behind them Edwin L. Sabin TOO TRUSTFUL. 4 SECOND SOLOMON. “Before we were married you declared you were ready to die FARMER JONEs.—I 'm a-goin’ tew take my son Hiram tew a for me, yet here you are taking fifteen minutes for lunch when you _ phrenolygist tew find out what he’s best suited fer know that if you take more than five, you can not possibly afford the FARMER HONK An’ s’posin’ he tells yew the boy ain’t suited hats I look best in!” sobbed the wretched woman. fer farmin’ at all ? Why had she believed him? Why had she not foreseen that his FARMER JONES.-— Thet’s just what I want tew find out, so's first opportunity kin lick it out him betore le cits to die for her would discover the emptiness of his protestations ? tew | Br r'rInGisafool’s HIS STATUS. irgument;: but, “ Pretty much of a fool, is n’t he?” * Fool ? Why, he’s a born jury- unfortunately, there re others AS LONG as there man!” ire young men who can’t ti thei AT THE BAR. neckties without Mack.— Can you asking some J body’s Livice, suggest anything for a taking cam- paign speech ? Wy tp. — How will “What ’s yours ?” do? and young women who do not know of their pwn knowledge if it be proper to breathe, just so long, in ill For EVERY man probability, will who is his own there be Phila 7 , ’ worst enemy there NOT IN HIS LINE. delph publica area hundred who First AcTor.—Can’t say that the artist seems to enjoy his job tions of more or are their own best SECOND AcTor.— Well, you can’t expect too much from him. It takes a less general circu friends. dramatic artist to look happy when he is n’t. lation

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Fa Sawn plas Ri a Eee S3 Lae [PS 2 > SSS SE Bees Se PR Ae OE Ee -

ing. It is a certain number of feet long and contains a great many pounds of steel. been aptly christened “the City of CHURCHES.” St. Mark’s, St. Paul’s and St. Patrick’s deserve special notice. A CRUSHER. points of scenic and historic interest, and also to beer gardens. HAROLD. —She did! And without even the French accent on it. . The country around here is so beautiful that Longfellow, when he saw it, wrote the beautiful poem which will be found on page 2. NOT WHAT IT’S CRACKED UP TO BE. almost everything here except Other poems about the city have also been written by local talent. second to none in the country. tournament engine company No. 3 won first prize for appearance and efficiency in putting out a large dry- goods box, set on fire at the same moment, that the water was turned on. agree that such good Hore.s are not to be found in any other city of the same size. Among the most palatial and luxuriously appointed are the Grand Hotel on West Main Street, and the Park House on State oat “As. Street. 3 as ttt a A This city is the chief INDUSTRIAL we centre of the State. They make of the finest structures of the kind in the country. ‘The regiment conducted itself so gallantly in the late war with Spain that it pre- fixed the word “fighting” to its own name. It also gives many delightful social functions.

AN ALPHABETICAL GUIDE TO ANY OLD CITY.

gN A SIX months’ tour of the United States every traveler accumulates a whole shelf full of guide-books and spends, at the least, half a day reading them. ‘This is be- * cause such books are constructed on an entirely wrong principle. ‘They only bring out the points in which cities differ from each other, and it is necessary to buy a new one at ‘bo every stopping place. An _ illustrated hand-book about Niagara Falls, for instance, is almost useless when one goes , to Arizona. ‘To remedy this state of affairs — a this guide has been compiled with great care. Every statement in it will apply equally well to any American city of over 50,000 population.

Tourists need use no other.

* * *

The Armory of the Guards is built of native stone and is one

Spanning the river is a BripGE which is a triumph of engineer-

Because of the great number of religious edifices, this city has

A system of magnificent Drives have been laid out leading to JERROLD.—So she refused you with ‘‘hauteur ?”

money. The Public Liprary, presented : by Andrew Carnegie, is liberally supported by the citizens. (Note: They have to; it is one of the con ditions of the gift.) The design for the Soldiers’ MONUMENT was made by a young ; lady of this city whose art education was obtained at the Institute. She also developed her genius at Paris. The money to pay for the monu- ment was raised partly by voluntary subscriptions and partly by compul- sory fairs and entertainments. The leading NEwspaPERs are the Times, the Journal, the News and the Record. This is the principal RalLRoap centre of this section. I. A number of trains which might The EpucaTionat system is At the recent State FiREMEN’S Tourists and commercial travelers

eee

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el > 2 - be stated here leave and arrive at the Union STrarion every day. No finer View is to be found in the world than that from the top of our highest office building. Not many structures scrape the sky closer than this one, at least, not near here. Ray » >. 3 ae se ; aye Ne 3). by Nagin den (yete~o THE REAL LESSON. Hr.—The cat scratched me again to-day Sue.— Well, you want to learn not to pull her tail Brother Tom says I want to learn to pull her tail an’ let go quick BY: don’t leawe the farm! national here For its abundant supply of pure WavTeR this city enjoys a reputation. A chemical analysis shows so small a_ per centage of impurities that we do not take the trouble to giv Some people, moreover, like the water because it is both food and drink. One of the boats from the Yacur Club here almost won arace at an inter-club regatta a vear ago last Summer ry —_ Ht KNEW. ‘TEACHER Name the four seasons, Erast LivrLe "Rastus SLEWro« 1) ec seasons w’el we is n’t got watahmillions, en de one w’en we is HIS IDENTITY. BUNCO STEERER (suave) Pardon me, but are n't you my old friend Farmer Mossbacker, of Goshkonong ? FARMER BROADHEAD § (mysteri ously ) No; | amold Nick Sleuth, the famous detective, disguised as a “good thing;” but don't gimme away, young man STYLE NATANT. “They manage to keep their heads above water.” - ‘Not their bodies, how a“ ever.” + AN AGE OI “Ah! But Dox POR. What they ’re in the swim, you know.” DECEPTION. kind of food do you eat ? NEAR PROFESSOR BUGHUNTER. PATIENT.—S TO N ubstitutes ATURE’S HEART. Don’t you love the primeval forest, Miss Poppyhat ? Pri »fess« Tr ! Miss Poppyu aT.—Oh! is much more stylish. (of course, But then I think a park POSTED ON ONE POINT That 's Cashman’s boat, but he is n't at the tiller Does he know much at ith¢ Well, he knows it 's expensive AFTER ALL, the thoroughly green people are the oases jn the Anyway, the thing about getting itself desert of life country. bx Ww ed inevitable will doubtless | to ave learned some In a mountainous Even though your father paid only $110, f. 0. b., for the piano your sister practices on, the country is a better place for you than the city.

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=i a pene iS > — >) HIS REWARD. COHENSTEIN (rescued from the surf ).— Mine friendt, you haf saved my life LIFE SAVER.— Dat ’s about de size of it. COHENSTEIN.— Mine friendt, nodding is too good for you! Eef I die before you I vill sbeak apoud dis in heaven! He POET'S TALE. In dear old days of long ago I loved a maiden whose flashing eyes were stars. Her cheeks were tinted with the beauty of a per- fect sunset. Her queenly head was crowned by glorious raven tresses whose subtle perfume made the heart grow faint. My adora- tion was a romantic, soul-sweeping passion. I still can feel the thrill of her velvet hand; I still can hear her bell-like voice; the \ maddening sweetness of her lips I never have forgotten. I never can fe reget. Listen : In the depth of the heart, in the shrine of the soul, There ’s a lingering love that endures through the years; There ’s an image that ’s graven with wonderful grace, And at night in my dreaming her vision appears! But I digress. I shall tell you how I lost her. She married a man with yellow whiskers and the faculty of having his father’s money say the right thing for him at the right time. One week she prom- ised to be a sister to me, and the next she made Him my brother- in-law. But, Ah! Though I loved her and lost her so long, long ago, In the mists of the past there's a memory still, That must live like the light that ’s enclasped by the sea, To be treasured and hidden, or sparkle at will. In the sorrow and sadness and striving of life There ’s a song sometimes (tho’ the singer is wed) *T is the sound of a voice when its music was mine, And it carries me back to the days that A REMEDY. cae ap te! “Vis; I’m gittin’ a little bit too * shtout. I’m t'inkin’ I'll) have to * * do somethin’ for it **Sure, yez might git off the polis foorce !’’ I have just learned that my brother- in-law has expired in darkest Chicago. It seems that an enemy handed him a mirror; he saw his own yellow whiskers and laughed himself to death. . . . I shall take the next train but two. . . . I wish to allow a decent lapse of time. * ok * Yesterday morning I arrived in Chicago. I went at once to 2 PUCK drug store to look up my sister’s address. Standing in childlike pro- fusion at the candy counter were my sister’s five little girls and boys —and— His. There could be no mistake. I knew them. The children all had inherited their father’s yellow whiskers. The next train East departed in four minutes. I caught it. fred. Ladd. THEIR SWIFTNESS. Jay GREEN.— Gosh! Them girls in Allegash are a swift set! ABNER APPLEDRY.— Are, hey ? Jay Green.— Yes! Aaron Allred got acquainted with one of ’em the other evenin’, and she hooked onto him and walked him around the block so often in the moonlight that he got staggerin’ dizzy and she had to git the constable to take him to the hotel. MORE IMPORTANT. “Cashley,” said the politician, “is willing to subscribe to the principles of the platform.” “Shucks!” said the campaign manager. ‘Is he willing to subscribe to the campaign fund ?” |r 1s to be observed that the people who offer bargains get rich faster than the people who take advantage of the same. pS aia - sy HER OPINION, He.—I don’t know how I’m to make both ends meet. I’m at my wit’s end— His EXTRAVAGANT WIFE.— Well, that is n’t so far from the beginning ! he man who is looking for trouble should not find any trouble in find- - ing it. a .

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PUBLISHED EVERY WEDNESDAY. The subscription price of Puck is $5.00 per year $2.50 for six months. $1.25 for three months Payable in advance KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN, Publishers and Proprietors. Cor. Houston and Elm Sts., New York Wednesday, July 16, 1902.— No. 1324. NOTICE TO PUBLISHERS. — The contents of PucK are protected by copyright in both the United States and Great Britain. Infringement of this copyright will be promptly and vigorously prose- cuted Puck's Illustrations can be found only in Puck's Publications CARTOONS AND COMMENTS. STRIKES 7 :—A Civic Federation. Information AND THE as to its whereabouts will be appreciated. STRONG HAND. When last seen, said Federation was in excel lent health and spirits. Finder may identify it positively by its huge bump of benevolence. It is hard to recon cile recent strike reports with the beautiful sentiments published some months ago when the lamb-like Civic Federation was in session. Strikes were to be discouraged by broadminded arbitration. “The laboring man and his yoke mate, the capitalist, were to pull no longer in opposite directions, but together. Unison was to be the watchword. “Let us have peace,” the motto. All in all, the arrangements were perfect. Likewise they were too good to be true, as events have shown. The bonds which the Federation forged gave way at the first tug of discord. What followed is well known. If the Civic Federation was to accomplish any lasting good, it would have found its opportunity in the coal strike and made the most of it. Its utter failure to do so indicates once again that boards of arbitration, to amount to anything, must be vested with more than kid glove power. The need of a strong hand to deal with strikes was never more apparent than now. When trusts clash and millions of American citizens are seriously handicapped in consequence, the fight ceases to be “ private business,” as Mr. Croker would say, and becomes a public concern. The American public’s sympathy in HIS TURN NEXT. ReEp.—I wonder why it is that we don’t hear anything about Aguinaldo these days ? Merape.—I suppose he’s waiting for Mrs. Ellen Stone to finish. THE MOSQUITO WAR, strange to say, does not seem to have disclosed the existence of any pro-mosquitos. PUCK strike times goes out not so much to the man who won't work, as to the man who is not permitted to work; who is threatened with vio lence and assaulted; whose family is endangered and whose right to labor is denied. When strikes antagonize capital by this means they attack the very foundation of American liberty. Full well we know that the striker’s lot is not an easy one, but as long as the Declara tion of Independence and the Constitution are live documents, the man who wants work and can get employment must be free to sell his labor for whatever price suits him. When labor unions oppose this rock-bottom principle, they can not consistently expect the people’s support. THE PARALLEL N°’ rHEN, all together! Let the Aunty ESTABLISHED. Imperialists emit their shrillest cry. Let Admiral Dewey be roundly denounced from Boston to Lincoln. With no gentle touch he has knocked General George Aguinaldo from the lofty perch of fame where the Aunty Imperialists had placed him. Who and likewise what is a United States admiral that he may with impunity condemn the idol of the East, the Baal of Boston? Dewey’s testimony before the Philippines committee of the Senate must have roused the righteous anger of every American Filipino. Disregarded were all the views of Agui naldian greatness, while \guinaldo himself was labelled a looter We sympathize with the latter’s faithful patrons in the loss of their ideal but would suggest that they still have it in their power to make a hit. Side by side with the cherished historic painting of Washing ton taking command at Cambridge, let them hang a realistic portrait in oil of Aguinaldo, “taking everything he could lay his hands on” at Manila. Thus would the parallel between Washington and Agui- naldo be firmly established for all time DOG VERSUS %& AGO is making another bid for inter MOTHER-IN-LAW. national fame \ judge in the western metropolis has decided that a man has as much right to keep his mother-in-law in the house with him as he has to keep a dog. This may be good law, based on common sense, but the many friends of the dog will be quick to see a dis position to discriminate The judge has plac eda dog and a mother in-law on the same level of equality. Notwithstanding, a pet dog, however beautiful, must be licensed and must wear a brass tag Therefore why should favor in Chicago be shown to the ot necessarily pet — mother-in-law ? If western justice is to be « sistent, it would seem that the dog license must either be abolished or that the mother-in-law must wear a brass tag A test case will be watched with interest OF COURSE. THE PREss AGEN1 What particular thing shall I feature ? SUMMER HoTet MANAGER Why, our gorgeous Mount Pelee sunsets —the most magnificent to be had on the whole coast THE BUSINEss man in politics will be all right, no doubt, if severa of him don’t get together and form a trust. ARTIST MONK’S SKETCHING OUTFIT. i" * ay iy { H J.

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NOT THE REAL THING. MINERVA.—What! You and Cupid going on a vacation? I thought this was your busy season. Venus.—Not at all! The Goddess of Folly takes charge of the Summer flirtations. "HOW IT HAPPENED. \f Josson.—How is it your new house is finished so quickly ? Dosson.— Why, I’ve got five thousand dollars hidden that the architect does n’t know anything about. Fi F Ww Nl o'er the s The morni: ind in the m Their whit Afar, the ec é lark sin; But why, w ust we get We s} Our But o1 We Old Our Ie Wh We m AN ARGUMENT. } WT ‘* Why don’t you go in the water again, Cholly ?”’ wi | “Why, I don’t feel like going in again.” ‘*But you don’t know how much better you look in than out.” PUCK’S SUNMER

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= a : THE SIMILARITY. Mrs. NEWLYWED.— Marriage is so much like golf! Mrs. JONES.—In what way? Mrs. NEWLYWED.— Why, it looks so easy to those who have n’t tried it! BALLADE OF FARM HOUSE WAYS. ” We scorn to know the world’s events, oN We ’re far from all its puppet-showing ; \ Far from the city’s life intense, Its fads and frills and furbelowing ; Far from the telephone’s helloing, From paven street and crowded block ; But ere the morning sun is glowing We must get up —’t is four o’clock. ll o'er the stake and rider fence The morning glory vines are growing, nd in the morn’s magnificence Their white and purple blooms are blowing ; Afar, the cows are softly lowing ; Ihe lark sings loud from wheaten shock — But why, we ask, we should be knowing, ust we get up at four o’clock? We spend each day in indolence, Our outing we are undergoing, But on the time when we go hence We find we are much thought bestowing ; Old habits we are overthrowing, Our leisure seems at us to mock When, eyes with sleep all overflowing, We must get up at four o’clock. TRUE ECONOMY. L’Envot. FARMER MEDDERS.— Why do you Vacationer, when at cock-crowing furnish so many hammocks and sofy Upon your door you hear a knock, pillers and easy chairs for yewr Sum- The reason why you ’ll ne’er be knowing But you "ll get up at four o'clock. Wood Levette Wilson mer boarders ? FARMER SNAKEROOT.—Waal, I want ’em ter fall in love with one another. After that they neglect their meals. ; SOEs SALAD.

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PROOF DEMANDED. SANDERSON Bracu.— He declares that he is wedded to his art AvbA Man1.— Well, he ‘ll have to show me the marriage certificate. = THE PRELIMINARIES. SM (4M A DEEPLY injured man,” said King Menelaus; “and I call upon my brother kings of Greece to avenge my wrongs !” “It strikes me,” said Ulysses, stroking his beard thoughtfully, “that you have excellent grounds for a divorce case, but as a cause of war it is not so clear. That Helen is beautiful we all agree; but there is a peace party in my beloved Ithaca that is throwing fits at the idea of being called upon to lay down their lives to restore her to her husband. And I am not prepared to say that their attachment to existence is entirely unreasonable. However—” ‘‘By Mars and Pluto!” broke in the impetuous Achilles. ‘I care not a fig for Helen or her husband or the co-respondent; but this is a first-class chance for a fight, and if we do not whip Troy on the strength of it everybody will say we were afraid. Our —er— what in Tartarus do the diplomatists call it when they want to get up a row?—Oh, yes! Our prestige will suffer!” “The point just made by the delegate from Thessaly,” observed Agamemnon, “appears to me well taken. Of course his enthusiasm for carnage will not be shared by everybody. We are not all invul- nerable except at the heel. Nevertheless, what he says about the prestige of Greece deserves serious attention. If we let these Trojans have their own ‘way in this matter they will, in time, annex other wives of ours; and though some of us might be disposed to view such a contingency with equanimity, it would be merely a forerunner of an attempt to annex our territory. Therefore, it seems to me time to strike a blow; not for Helen, not for Menelaus, but for the prestige of Greece!” And these views prevailing, an ultimatum was sent to King Priam and a Trojan council was called to decide on the reply. “But Helen is so beautiful!” pleaded Paris. “And Menelaus did not appreciate her. She and Menelaus were mutually incom- patible. Shall it be said that Troy delivered this peerless woman back to mutual incom- patibility? Perish the thought! Such con- +. duct would be un-Trojan!” “ Helen,” said King Priam, “is all right — at least, ina certain sense of the expression. Between ourselves we can not deny that Paris was wrong, but there are mitigating circumstances. I, myself, at his age—but this is not germane to the discussion. The main question is, can we whip the Greeks?” “Of course we can!” exclaimed the youthful and enthusiastic Troilus. “It will be a walk-over! It won’t take us thirty days! Well eat our Christmas din— | But at this point he was requested to go *way back and sit down. “I might observe,” went on Priam, “ that there is a strong sentiment in Troy in favor of giving up Helen, especially among the taxpayers. The taxpayers do not usually = give up easily —at least, that is my experi- M ence —but they seem quite willing to give up Helen. And Cassandra, too — I know Cassandra is a chronic “anti,” and she ’s subject to hysterics— but I tell you she can get up a powerful agitation even when there ’s nobody in it but herself!” “ But,” said Hector, “if we give up Helen our prestige will suffer. The Greeks will think we ’re afraid to fight. We ’Il soon a have them demanding a sphere of influ pn ence on Mount Ida. Paris has got us \\VAZa into an awful pickle, but there’s nothing to do but see it through to the bitter end.” And the Trojan chiefs having agreed to these views, Priam sent word to the Greeks that he would see them in ‘Tartarus before he would give up Helen. ‘Thus Greek prestige was pitted against ‘Trojan prestige. ‘The rest is history, or, if not, it is historical fiction of a class that has not yet been surpassed. a= 2 HIS WAY. GuLapys BEAUTIGIRL.—Jack Huggins falls in love at the slightest provocation, does n’t he ? Maup Brisk.— Yes; but he always has his parachute along. UNWILLING. ‘‘Ah! IT have such an appetite! ”’ ‘*Well, a good appetite is a good thing. I ’d hate to deprive you of it.”’ —- the pessimist must confess that the world is an admirable teething- ring, for eye-teeth.

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/ i, (hi lt AEE TS 4 IN OLE VIRGINNY. ~7] pA e7 BS First Native.—Ike Jasper wants ter sell one o’ his dawgs iB hes ¢g J, | HE > = . Your effusion is really blankity-blank verse Respective F Sratisticus.—A mile is 5,280 feet; a centipede is about 4 inches long and has 100 feet; a miss is all the way from 54 to 72 inches tall, and generally an has 2 feet; a miss is as good as a mile; it is good to go a mile out of your way, Ghe HARTFOR TUBE pases bd he oy, if necessary, in order to avoid associating with a centipede. Kindly let that hold FOR BICYCLES, AUTOMOBILES. DOUBLE oH ‘ , pte AND OTHER VEHIC ; s you for at least a limited time. _—_— LES and DUNLO TUBE Tires . Morgan. They were the Original Pneumatic Tires of their respective types. To-day they still have a world- wide fame for their excellence of design and construction. This would never have been gained had not LOOKS LIKE THEIR WORK. each pair been made as if our very reputation depended upon their quality. Let us advise you ie regarding the proper size and weight of tire best adapted to your needs. Our Branch Houses are TEACHER.— Can you tell me what causes darkness, Willy ? located in principal cities ————= — — —_ Wi.__y.—The gas companies. — a She HARTFORD RUBBER WORKS COMPANY

: 1CAT if HARTFORD. CONN > EDUCATION. : is Betsey acted . f : ‘ ? (Our proposition to users of SOLID RUBBER TIRES: When the college man got a job as waiter in a Summer hotel, by asking for 4 wwhitienge«: meus

it only once, he was profoundly impressed. Accordingly, he went abroad and studied three years at Bonn, taking the doctor’s degree, cum summa laude. He came back expecting to be made head-waiter. -J.. a * 1 le ta But in the meantime the styles had changed and colored help was now ‘NL deemed the thing. Ae’ «sical ed wn is | 1 reward. |

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—— “THE SOHMER” HEADS THE LIST OF THE HIGHEST | Established 1823. GRADE PIANOS. SOHMER WILSON PIANOS WHISKEY. ; $ ; Only Salesroom Sohmer Building, ("ly Salsstgom | , Sth Ave., cor, 22d St. York. That Ss All! THE WILSON DISTILLING CO., Baltimore, Md.

VERY ORDINARY. Mrs. Gaussip.— Do you think those newcomers would be likely to join our Browning Society ? | Mrs. SHARPE.—Oh! Not at all.” Mrs. Gaussip.— Why, what sort of people are they ? Mrs. SHARPE.— They ’re the sort of people who have crayon portraits on easels in the parlor.—Catholic Standard and Times.

. . , at “You, WiLL1AM!” exclaimed the old man. “What you doin’ on dat white man fence? Ain’t you ’fraid you ’Il fall off ?” Then, after a moment’s thought, the old man resumed : “But, ef you does fall off, you might ez well fall on de side whar de water- millions is. You hear me, don’t you ?”—AManta Constitution.

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Measurement 10 inches. Throws air equal to any $15 electric fan RUNS BY WATER Requires but 10 Ibs. ater Pressure. Can be connected in any room or to any spigot Fed by 14, inch Hole Descriptive Circular free on request. AGENTS WANTED. DELAWARE RUBBER CO., 631 Market St., Philadelphia, Pa.

finds work hard in the hot summer months Hot weather energy is comparatively arare quality Men who are full of activity aod “ ginger” in temperate weather, find it almost impossible to accomplish their work io Summer An O-P=-C suspensory will aid you a great dea! during the hot season, because It does away with the wasteful con- sumption of energy caused by the strain which every man experiences. There is nothing which effects a man's energy more than Sultry weather Tbere is nothing which will do mure to save & man’s energy than an O-P-C suspensory We authorize every druggist to refund your money if you are not satisfied Get the Right Brand. Should you be unable to get ao O-P-C from sour druggist, we will supply you, postpaid upon receipt of price. No.2 O-P-C liste....$1.00 No. 3 O-P-€ silk..... 1.50 ‘*The Struggle for Supremacy ”’ A booklet giving the reasons why, under the rush and grind of modern jife. every healthy, corma!l man should wear an O-P-C suspensory. IT’S FREE —write for it. Bauer & Black, 268-25th St., Chieago,U.S8 A. Manufacturers of Frost King and Frost Queea Chamois Verts, Rex Porous Plasters, Blue-Jay Corn and Bunion Plasters.

TRUSTFUL. ‘* Be very careful, now, Flossie!” ‘Oh! The pony will be careful, Patrick! He ’s always c: His Musicat ‘Taste. “Do you enjoy ragtime music ?” “Yes,” answered Mr. Cumrox; “but I’m too well-bred to own up to it except to close and trustworthy friends.”— /Vashington Star. YeaAst.— It costs a good deal of money for the Government to look after the counterfeiters ! CRIMSONBEAK.— Yes; it looks just like sending good money after bad. — Yonkers Statesman.

“So my poor friend is no more!” sighed the visitor to Gilly’s Gulch. Dr. Kilmer’s SWAMP-ROOT “Waal,” replied the chairman of the vigilance committee, “he could n't : . ’a’ been much more, geographically speakin’. He came hyar f’m N’ Yawk Is not recommended for eel tyne but if you ee . . © » ° . . ‘ ty have kidney, liver or bladder trouble it will be | wearin’ English shoes, South American kahki, a Panama hat, an’ blowin Se te ten aay Bape old by drug- | smoke f’m a Turkish cigarette through his Roman nose, an’ when he roped Den may Save 9 semete hots oe Semphice | 2 Lexas broncho an’ started in t’ take French leave, we jest turned expan- telling all about Swamp-Root and its great cures sion an’ stretched him up with some Manila hemp. Yas-sir, he was con- Address, Dr. Kilmer & Co., Binghamton, N. Y., sy '» . r and say that you read this in Puck sid’able!”—Baltimore News.

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ireful of me!”’ Abbott's, the Original Angostura Bitters, has the call wherever an effective tonic for a run-down system is needed; builds up flesh, and nerve tissue. Druggists.

lt not only gives a high, glowing,dur- = <=\e able polish to all metals, but the polish — Bar Keepers Friend lasts, it will shine on! It benefits all metals, minerals or wood while cleaning them. 25c 1 Jb box. For sale by drug gists and dealers. Send 2c stamp for sample to George William Hoffman, 295 E. Washington St.,Indianapolis, Ind.

Our Patent Covers for Filing Puck are SIMPLE, easivy’ use: g EASILY used. They preserve the copies in perfect shape Price, 75 cents each; by mail, $1.00 United States Postage Stamps taken Address: Puck, N. Y. New York to Buffalo, via NEW YORK GENTRAL — Finest One-Day Railroad Ride in the World,

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call | THE SIGNATURE, L. GARNIER, AND THE TRADE-MARK, CROSS, CIRCLE AND STARS, ARE TO BE FOUND ON EVERY BOTTLE OF Chartreuse —GREEN AND YELLOW— THE FORMER APPEARS TWICE ON EACH LABEL AND THE LAT- TER IS BLOWN INTO THE BOT- TLE. FOR THREE HUNDRED YEARS THIS MOST DELIGHTFUL OF ALL CORDIALS HAS BEEN MADE BY THE CARTHUSIAN MONKS OF THE GRANDE CHAR- TREUSE, GRENOBLE, FRANCE. At first-classWine Merchants, Grocers, Hotels, o. Batjer & Co., 45 Broadway, New York, N Sole Agents for United States. : Datel etetatintatntatataintantntate REACHES THE SPOT AND COVERS THE CASE as no other whiskey can. If local dealers cannot supply it, ad- dress the distillers, BERNHEIM BROS., Louisville, Ky. > FOR MEN, OF 9 1GARS “MADE AT KEY WEST— These Cigars are manufactured under ; the most favorable climatic conditions and 2 from the muldest blends of Havana to- » eam If we had to pay the imported 2 cigar tax our brands would cost double the § money. Send for booklet and particulars. CORTEZ CIGAR CO., KEY WEST. We Think It Worth While To make the best Wall Papers we can. You will be interested in the results. Our book is free. Pittsburg Wall Paper Co., New Brighton, Pa. | | In SUSPENSE “So you don’t know whether you want to go to work or not ?” “Well, suh,” answered Mr. Erastus Pinkley, “I'd like de refusal ob de job a little while.” “But I need somebody right away.” “In dat case I 'Il have to let it go by. I's jes’ bought a policy ticket, an’ I ’ll hafter wait till aftuh de drawin’ I ’s gwine to work at all o1 not.” — Washington Star. to see whether A Quier Day. “What ’s startling in the news to-day?” asked the man on the running board of the man who had a seat. “ Nothing much, I guess,” remarked the man in the seat, folding up his afternoon paper; “is n’t more than half a page of headlines on the first page.” — Cincinnati Observer. QUITE SATISFACTORY SHE.— Stop! You sha’ n’t kiss me to-night; at least not before I have had an explanation. I heard to-day that you had been engaged to sixteen different girls. Hr.— But that was before I had seen your angel face, my love. SHE.— So it was, to be sure! I never thought of that—M. Y. Weekly. 3ADINAGE. CuimMy.— Some day I ’m goin’ ter be de main guy in dis ward BiLLy.— Aw, g’on! Yer won’t be in id wid me. CuimMy.—Huh! You won’t never be an excuse for a legal Philadelphia Press. holiday. A REASONABLE PRESUMPTION. First PAssENGER.— I wonder why we are making such a long stop at this station ? SECOND PASSENGER one happens to be trying I presume it is because no York Weekl (a traveler of experience to catch the train Vew A ‘THOUGHTLESS REMARK. ‘‘What do you think of a man who would whip his wife ?” “Well,” said Mr. Meekton, absent-mindedly, “1 should say that he was a mighty mean man and a pretty nervy fighter.”— /Vashington Star. THE world is not a see-saw in which you go up by sending another down. |—Ram's Horn. * | be the happiest man on earth. WHEN an old bachelor buys usually pays a big price for a misfit.—Aéchison Globe. a present for a child he WHEN a town man makes a little garden he thinks every farmer ought to Washington Democrat. REMEMBER, sonny, that a few men in this country have managed to grow up and be great without ever having had a college yell.—- Washington Fost. Ir is said of a certain man in town that he is so mean to his wife her kin intend to hitch the fire department horses to the hearse when he dies, to get him out of town as quickly as possible.-—Aschison Globe. y / — Pr To Bertie, BERTIE. ‘*While you ’re up there, get that wasp’s nest, too. It ’ll be fine MONEY required. FREE for 2c. stam| ver cost of mail A wonderful puzzle, ‘‘The Changing Faces’’ What seed Say About It: The most myste is t I r saw and very fitting tha t sl td listrib- uted by the makers of the est shaving soaps in the world “The greatest puzzle of the century “A wonderful piece of genuit “Every one is mystified, and no one is able to see how the ange is made iddre Depariment 4 THE J. B. WILLIAMS CO. GLASTONBURY, CONN | Williams Shaving Soap DOWN THE SLIDE Can You Explain li? FINEST BEACH AND BATHING NEW YORK CITY LONG BEACH, L. I. HOUR FROM N ' crry LONG BEACH HOTEL AND 'NN NOW OPEN Address A. E. DICK ALSO) Phi LESS THAN ONE Proprietor /PRIETOR OF HOTEL CGRENOBLE 56TH ST. & TTH AVE NEW YORK CITY Se i i i ie ie ee i ee CHEW ee BEEMANS The Original Pepsin Gum Cures Indigestion and Sea-sickness. ALL OTHERS ARE IMITATIONS. SEPEEEESEFEFEFEFEFEOEFEFEFEFEFETEENE SFPOSSSESESSEESESHESOOHEOOSD SOOO 4444464444 eeeoe HENRY LINDENMEYR & SONS, PAPER WAREHOUSE, BR ANCH Wanenc a ‘Bee man Stree New Yoru kinds of Paper made to order Rae’s Lucca Olive Oil appreciated by connoisseurs lor rts Delicate Flavor (No rank smell nor taste, some brands of Olive Oil.) so frequent! Guaranteed Pure Oil of Olives -only ... S. RAE & Co. (Established 1836) LEGHORN, ITALY for a cozy corner.”

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FS Se wae rs eae ee Whatever Your Finances, | great or small, The Prudential | has a policy of Life Insurance | just adapted to your needs, THE PRUDENTIAL HAS THE STRENGTH OF GIBRALTAR Write, stating age and full particulars. Dept. P. The Prudential Insurance Co. | OF AMERICA Home office NEWARK, N. J. JOHN F. DRYDEN President Theworlds Best Tonic Imported from Trinidad aw Unrivaled appetizing tonic and stomach corrective, recommended by physicians. A half a wine-glass in sweetened water, soda water or lemonade makes a de- lightful health-giving drink for ladies and children. A few dashes in pure liquor, sherry or champagne, the epi- cure’s delight. Refuse imitations and cheap substitutes. None genuine except Dr. Siegert’s. On the market 70 years. Made only by DR. J. G. B. SIEGERT & SONS. ocers and Dr ruggists. J. W. WUPPERMANN, Sole Ageat, NEW YORK, N. Y. “‘T NEVER stole another man’s brains, “ No,” answered Miss Cayenne, thoughtfully. -Washington Star. ‘Tuts question of arbitration,” said the inquisitive citizen, much progress with you, has it ?” ‘Sure!” to arbitrate the question as to whether we will arbitrate or not. Standard and Times. “Yes,” said Miss Billions; “ Father encourages me in taking an interest in business.” “Have you invested any money ?” “Yes, indeed! | bought the loveliest railroad ! Registered design of box label. FiRErty PENS are made of a new incorrodible metal - "flexible as gold. THEY GIVE CHARACTER TO ONE’S WRITING. MANUFACTURED BY ORMISTON & GLASS, LONDON. CONTRACTORS To H. M. GOVERNMENT. Boxes 25 cts. and $1.00, from ail Stationers H. BAINBRIDGE & CO., 99 William St., N. Y. SOLE AGENTS FOR UNITED STATES. DOING THE MonkKEY.—Gee! as exciting as I can! re for Abbott’ s the Original Angostura Bitters, THE ZEBRA.— Well, it is n’t my fault if they ’re dull. hunt up a picture of yourself taken about | going right ahead ington Star. “ Standard of Highest Merit ” FISCHER “* The embodiment of tone and art.” 164 FIFTH AVENUE, Between 2lst and 22nd Streets, New York. ROUND TRIP First-class tickets from Chicago on sale August 2 to 8; corre- sponding rates from other Bpecia Liberal return limi ~y & excursion rates on @il days. THE OVERLAND LIMITED HIS BEST. Nothing but dull thuds! MOST LUXURIOUS I’m making them TRAIN +: WORLD — Leaves Chicago daily 8.00 p. m.; Your business cares will vanish if you always call less than three days en route; for Cook's Imperial Extra Dry, when you drink the “Pacific Ex ress” at 10.00 Consipagne. a.m. daily, and the “California ixpress”’ at 11.30 p. m, daily. CHICACO & NORTH-WESTERN, UNION PACIFIC AND SOUTHERN PACIFIC RAILWAYS. “THE beef trust is making vegetarians asia ppiis and Democratic & * + + dime ae #s + eG om ot dowte> + 7? when you go to druggist or grocer for a reliable tonic 7 4 7 4 in the spring. Abbott's, the best for all seasons. 4 r “ redines 4* I x ES: e +r : . t SHORT S ? + THE owl is credit- IF you want to see something veal funny, » : ~ ™ (ed with much wis- t Stories to be Read while Z | dom because he says | twenty years ago.— Washington Democrat. + the Candle Burns. % vt @ (only one thing and ps @ | sticks to it. — Balti- & a ai i | more News SHAKE INTO @ By H. C BUNNER, late Editor ol Puck. @ | } Allen’s Foot-Ease, a powder. It cures painful, 7 , , ‘ | smarting, nervous feet and ingrowing nails, and & ILLUSTRATED. ’ BABIES must be as pmey takes the seecte tog? tester ~_ oe “ee . wef t’s the greatest comfort discovery of the age 7 q bs tired of being kissed Allen's Foot-Ease makes tight or new shoes feel 7 4 Paper, 50c. Address e | parrots are of hear- easy. It is a certain cure for sweating, callous and & Cloth, $1.00 oo PUCK, N.Y. @& | ing, ‘‘ Polly want a | hot, tired, aching feet. + & | cracker.”—Atchison | “tussists and shoe stores. Don’t accept any sub- see eee eee eee eee eee 4p : . - stitute. By mail for 25c.in stamps. Trial package . a a iil Glob | FREE. Address, Allen S. Olmsted, Le Roy, N.Y. | son Globe. Full information f:om any ticket agent. YOUR SHOES. | voters. — Washing- a | ton Post. INVESTIGATE, and | you will find setae SEM oe 8 tan half your trouble was | caused by needlessly | butting in.— Atchi- Try it fo-day. Sold by all and Liquor Habit Cured with out inconvenience or detention from business. Write THE DR. J. L, STEPHENS CO.. Dept. !.1. Lebanon, Ohio. :, DR.SIEGERTS NUD 757. BITTERS ” said the man with the inky fingers. “ May be that’s the trouble.” “has n’t made cried the operator and the miner in chorus. “We’re both willing Catholi The broker told me it was a perfect bargain, marked down from $500,000 to $499,999.98.” — IVash- ee ee es: oe @-:

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ngers. uble.” made villing tholic terest me it Vash- untae Soot hee you do drink. drink “ All who joy would win Must share it,— happiness was born a twin.” Green Label. AT ALL FIRST-CLASS DEALERS. CuurcH.—I think it is always safer to take plenty of time when getting off a train. GOTHAM. then the quicker the safer. Unless the train happens to be attached to a lady’s dress; Yonkers Statesman. “Do you take any interest in astronomy ?” ‘Not much,” answered Mr. Cumrox. “It always struck me that astronomy was an occupation in which a man laboriously compiled long strings of figures without ever being able to put dollar-marks in front of them.”—/lash. Star. — 17? asl An eA » Le Mi co = hs pbs 7. \ > .« es 4 \e> ‘ y ~e in \\ , . Sv“ a= AS TO AN ENGAGED COUPLE. ‘«Tt’s a wonder she ’d marry a man so much older than herself.”’ Ves. ‘‘T don’t know about that; but she ’s young enough to have better sense!’ ROKER’S BITTERS makes a delicious Summer drink He ’s old enough to have better sense.” in plain or sweetened Carbonic Waters SoME things that are OPPORTUNITY never . he ‘artistic knocks at the door of he chronic knocker. Wash. Post. Ci? in Keeley GREATEST JOKE OF THE SEASON, x IN A NUT SHELL. Bartenders and Barbers send one dollar for sample box worth $20. Agents can make big money selling it. Ap. Nove.ty Co., 6771 So. Chicago Ave., TL. said to be are rotten foolish. — Atchison Globe 4 4 : WHITE PLAINS, N.Y. = Drug Using. BUFFALO, N. Y. The disease yields easily to the LEXINGTON, MASS. 3'-e 2.2@ 2 4 Double Chloride of Gold Treat- - ure ment as administered at these PROVIDENCE R I ’ - ie ’ Communications confidential. 4 Write for particulars. KEELEY INSTITUTES. WEST HAVEN, CONN. ‘ °c a. 3-0: & 2: © 3: oD OD Ode THE Musician’s REVENGE. De Nore { savagely } I'll get even with that old bear yet! FRIEND.— How can you, a poor musician, hope to get even with an irascible old millionaire ? Dr Notre.— He has seven daugh ters. FRIEND.— What of that ? De Nort 1 ‘ll write a popular New York Weekly. song. Evans’ Ale go together. BROTHER DicKEy says: “ Many et! my race gits de idea dat dey got a call ter preach des ez soon ez de farm ers is needin’ han’s en it’s 110 in de shade !"—Adtlanta Constitution. “FE specially the BUFFALO LITHIA WATER Virginia” For Albuminuria and Bright’s Disease Samuel O. L. Potter, A.M., M.D., M.R.C.P., London, Professor of the Principles and Practice of Medicine and Ciinical Medicine in the ollege of Physicians | Surgeons of San Francisco, Cal., in his ‘‘ Handbook of Materia Medica, Pharmacy and Therapeutics,’’ in the citation of reme- 66 dies, under the head of ‘‘Albuminuria,”’ says : BUFFALO LITHIA WATER of Virginia, is highly recommended.”’ Under head of ‘*Chronic Bright’s Disease,”’ in the citation of remedies, he says: ‘‘Mineral waters, of Virginia which has ESPECIALLY the BUEFALO LITHIA WATER tnany sdvocates.” Dr. William H. Drummond, /ro/essor of Medical Jurisprudence, Bishop's University, Montreal, Canada: “In the Acute and Chronic Nephritis (Arighi's Li ease) of Gouty and Rheu- to actas a VERITA- matic Origin: I have found BUFFALO LITHIA WATER BLE ANTIDOTE.” Medical testimony of the highest order attesting the value of this water in Gout Rheumatism, Stone in the Bladder and Kidneys and in all Uric Acid troubles mailed to any address. BUFFALO LITHIA WATER is for sale by Grocers and Druggists generally. Hotel at Springs open from June 15th to October Ist. PROPRIETOR BUFFALO LITHIA SPRINCS, VIRCINIA. Q n Qn = FOR SALE |uck’s ©) riginals In response to the many requests for original drawings of pictures that have appeared in PUCK, the Publishers are now selling them to persons wishing them to use for decorative purposes. These drawings by PUCK’S artists are in various methods, — pen-and-ink, “wash,” crayon, pencil, etc. The original drawing is from three to four times as large as the printed reproduction. PUCK has a ‘large selection of these drawings by his staff artists framed and on exhibition in his own art-gallery, Puck Building, Houston and Elm Streets, where you are cordially invited to inspect them at any time. The prices will vary. PUCK will gladly quote price on any drawing you may select. Refer us to it by giving page and number of PUCK in which it appeared. Price will include express charges to destination. This is an opportunity which many of the admirers of PUCK’S artists have long sought.

Page 16

SSO ANERSES. ~ Sn eee ee ee es CLown.—Ladies and gents, to make this sack race between Little Billy and Humpty Dumpty more interesting, the management will present the first one over the tape with a watermelon III. ‘** Gracious ! ‘*Go it, old man! He ’s gaining on you fast!” Humpty Dumpty.— Here! No grabbing the tape and pushing it away from me! LittLe Bitty.—Oh! Don’t concern yourself! What I ’m going to grab is HOW LITTLE BILLY DID THE TRICK. VE. -~the watermelon! See?”