Puck 1899-01-25: Vol 44 Iss 1142

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eee ptt DELIVERED To ~~ cad aF Con Ma ae, : "Ges : . 4 <4 @rFIGE OF os Vig . oO | (JAN 181898) ae | | oa: Vi PUCK BUILDING, New York, January 25th, 1 we ; JPRICE TEN CENTS. Fofog ae on 94 Copyright, 1899, by Keppler & Schwarzmann. Pony Heal pe Sa IG 0 6, . ‘a + = Ca . Se ceeperme Y . oN ory “oe ‘Bes 2A

Entered at N. Y. P. O. as Second-class Mail Matter.

COPYRIGHT 1699 BY KEPPLER & SCHWARZ MANN HAS SHE GOT HIM AT LAST?

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AMENITIES. Uncle Sam and John Bull beamed upon each other affectionately. ~ . F ‘«Let ’s take something!” urged Ge , per Uncle Sam, as is his custom when Sa oe his heart is full. } ‘«‘By all means!” replied John P pe Bull, cordially ; “I suggest territory !”

BETWEEN SCYLLA AND CHARYBDIS. FARMER GOSHDARN.—I notice, lately, thet ol’ man Stiggy ’s kinder straddle o’ th’ fence on this here matter of Imperialism. FARMER GOLSWAN. — Yes; his two sons is home from college, an’ one o’ them is ag’inst the policy, an’ th’ other ’s hot fer takin’ cverything in reach. Makes it kinder embarrassin’ fer th’ ol’ man. TH! CHIEF reason why we can’t see ourselves as others see us is that love is blind.

TERRIBLE STRAIN. Mrs. WELLMET.— Poor fellow! I suppose your lot in life is a very A

trying one BEGGAR. — You bet it is, lady! Dis bein’ obliged to look mournful an’ disconsolate wit’ half-a~<dlozen hot whiskies inside of yer is no cinch! If I was n't a reg'lar Henry Irving I could n't stand de strain !

A HERO. “ SHEN JACK was down in Cuba,” N ‘The soldier's sweetheart said, ‘** He took three Spaniards all alone, And none of them were dead. ‘* And after that he took a fort — ‘*And then he took a regiment, Oh, my! but it was fine! With all their cannon, too," And next he took some Spanish guns, (My temples throbbed, I thought her daft, ! think they numbered nine. This tale could not be true.)

‘* He was to take a Spanish ship,’ = She said (I thought I 'd choke); SS Aole—= + *‘ But just before he got a chance — The mean old kodak broke!” Bide Dudley. HIS OPINION. = F eoibiiaty: tae, » dunia FRIEND.— Do you approve of the idea that each company HE REMONSTRATES. should have a cook with the rank and pay of corporal? His MoTHER.— Yo’ know what yo’ Il git if I cotch yo’ fightin’ ag'in! THE VETERAN.—Of corporal ? Why, a good cook deserves SAMMY.—Wal, Mammy, yo’ doan’ ‘spec’ a feller to do all his scrappin the rank and pay of a Major-General ! wit Kia eenel?

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THE CHAP BEHIND. Or O'ER the moonlit road we sped, Tust Nell and I together Behind old Dolly in the sled, Fur-wrapped against the weather. Fast friends we 'd been from childhood, till

I loved her like a sister ; And yet that night by Morton’s Mill Somehow I — well, I kissed her! eet

ee oe What change was this from liking to

AD. Love all within the minute ? ¢ Ah! even then full well I knew q , Some mystic pow r was in it! LY corner at d told her and_that d turned the Horse Inn I rms Gray | : I v\) The " j) My world lay j/ / but, al / And she ah ll nev }/ What whispered words de ighted Mv eager ears; but, as they fell € a 6 sefore we in my Thus ever would I hold her Our troth was fondly plighted And then I heard id t sound And, wond'ring who could find us, 1 mirthful Turned head ind spied as I ‘ll be bound, Dan Cupid perched behind us! R. S. Powell

COPYRIGHT, 1890. BY KEPPLER & BCHWARZMANN THE REAI

His glass, the REAL SLEUTH certainly does n’t look it. appearance suggests the glitter of plate than grim shadow of cell of justice and cocked fact, find him not much different from your favorite bar rows of bottles and sawdust the revolver. In more you tender; if all bartenders are not favorites with you. Real Your only ideas of the detective Perhaps you have never seen a Sleuth. profession may be formed by vague recol lections of those youthful subjects for emulation set in ten-cent frames. If so, I must hasten to point out the wide differ- ences between the modern and ten-cent You see, the cent Sleuth is usually chosen by a verbos« schools of Sleuthism. ten- author, solely for his ornamental qualities. The Real mental, at least in an zsthetic sense. But his services, even in arresting a pickpocket, are of much more value to the citizen than the hair-raising exploits of the Dime Sleuth, that only serve to retard the municipal mes- senger Sleuth can not be said to be orna- service. By refreshing your memory with ancient detective classics of boyhood, and the throats of any modern detectives you may run across with whiskey, you are enabled to observe the difference in ancient and modern methods. The Dime Sleuth, as you always read, had some rendezvous, perhaps in a cave or deserted house. Here he met and consulted his brother sleuths There, consorting with his fellow-bloodhounds, he laid his intrepid plans conclave to entrap the lawless. He always summoned his fellows to th

In real life he says by some peculiar sign or whistle. Boys, they ’re on me at the Dutchman’s!” and a dozen of his brother sleuths leave the station-house and accompany him to his rendezvous. Here, over several rounds of the ‘‘old stuff,” the secret conclaves are held most frequently. In the dark, subterranean secret-passage of the dime-novel, when your hero had at last captured his wary quarry, this kind of dialogue took place

SLEUTH. Ol ARRY.— Have a care, Rob Resolute, you little know of my resources ! DIME SLEUTH. Do your worst, Slick Sam; Rob Resoiute ne knew fear! In the alley off the Bowery, when the Real Sleuth ‘* gets next” his man, you may hear this MAN. All right, Mike! De gang won't do a t’ing to youz! REAL SLEUTH.— Aaaaah! quit vour kiddin and come on! You see, you must make a shift in nomenclature to be up-to-date o1 Sleuths. Your boyhood idols were named ‘ Daredevil Dick,” ‘‘Surrep titious Steve,”’ or something of the sort. The only sobriquet that the Real Sleuth rejoices in may be Mike,” Tim,” or, perhaps, ‘‘ Larry, the Lobster; ” the last used more in derision than to herald exceptional pinch ing powers. When the Lady Demon” your ten-cent hero bore ‘‘ Viva Rouge, on his horse to the bar of justice, he gallantly remarked: ‘* Your Honor, ab such a fair burden n.ade my task agreeable, however arduous;” but the Real Sleuth, when he lands the chaperon of a mixed ale party in the | | station house, says: ‘‘Had to call the wagon, Sarge’; she lay down and kicked with me The Dime Sleuth was repeatedly changi1 laborer’s clothes ‘«< to his the gorgeous costume of a Prussian nobleman,” or making other alterations of that simple and facile description, behind a tree, Your job as appear altered in a single detail of his checked doorpost, or most any place that came handy. Real Sleuth weuld as soon throw up his ind diamond-studded dress. If you suggested the rem-val of his gracefully twirled and dyed ‘¢mustash ” he would run you in, on suspicion of insanity. So you see it ’s well to refresh yourself on modern Sleuthism, else you might be disappointed in the man who has come to search your cook’s trunk. He will do it ated the great diamond robberies of Flashy Gulch; but not so dramatically And, the Real Sleuth as I wish it understood I have done: — by making his acquaintance for the purpose of better than ‘Invincible Ike” ever ir vestig

remember, it is better to observe observation. of observation. Never let him force his acquaintance on you as the result Larkin G. Mead.

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COPYRIGHT, 1899, BY «

m=! AS TO A MUSICAL RIVAL. fi«.— Lucy Johnson done tole me she only tuk a quartah’s pianner lessons. SHE. — Wal, de way she plays yo'd t'ink she only tuk a quartah's wath /

MRS. GROGAN’S PRESENTIMENT. ARRY, B’Y! D’ ye see no sign av yer father yet?” Mrs. Grogan. demanded ‘‘Divil a sign, Mither; an’ ut’s sivin b’ th’ clock, already,” PUCK.

‘‘ A’wushaa’hone! Ow, wow! I knew ut! I knew ut! He’s hurted in th’ quarry! I had th’ presintment; an’ did n’t I pass bechune th’ two inds av a funeral this day, an’ ain’t that th’ sure sign av a death?” By this time the men had nearly reached the shanty, and the fore- man, stepping to the front, said: ’T is sorry I am, Mrs. Grogan, t’ bring Danny home t’ ye this way. But, ye see, Mam, ’t was like this: Danny quit work at noon an’ wint off an’ niver come back till near four o’clock. Thin he wint over t’ where th’ min wuz puttin’ down a blasht—” “‘Yis, yis! Oh, me! Oh, my!’ ‘*Where they wuz puttin’ down a blasht in a hole an’ — ‘«‘l know! I know!” sobbed the grief-stricken woman. ‘‘ Th’ hole wuz loaded an’ they blew him up!” ‘«*«No, Mam; —’t wuz yer husband wuz loaded, an’ —” ‘“What’s that? It’s not kilt he is, but drunk? Ah, ha! Let me at bim! Sure, he ’Il wish ut was th’ d/ash¢ that blew him up b’ th’ time I git done wid him! Ye did n’t blow him up? Well, b’ th’ Powers, 7 will!” And the crowd, knowing the lady to be as good as her word, silently moved away, to be out of range of the explosion. George Totten Smith. THOROUGHLY POSTED. FRIEND.—I suppose you know all your mistress’s secrets by this time? THE MaAIp.— Why, I| know the real color of her hair!

> A MATTER OF NECESSITY. THE ADAPTER. I don’t think this play requires any expurgation to prepare “a

it for the American stage. THE MANAGER. — All right; fact quiet. The play will never succeed unless but keep the people think it is a great deal worse in French. HIS PLEASANT SURROUNDING. OLD BAGROX.— Do you think you can surround my daughter with any degree of luxury, sir? YOUNG CHEEK.— Yes, sir! Every time I embracé her she says it is heaveniy; and that, I believe, sir, is even better than merely luxurious.

replied Larry, returning to his work of shining the goat’s horns with stove-polish. ’T ’s th’ weight av me hand he ’ll feel, if he comes home wid

th’ bit av a shtagger !”” growled the lady; and she banged the oven door so hard that a bushel of soot fell down into the stove. ‘*Wurra, but I’m that narvous!” tinued, pensively biting the end of a spoon. ‘¢An’ that superstitious! I’ve a presintment av evil that makes me creep. I can’t help thinkin’ that somethin’ ’s gone amiss wid th’ owld man!” Mrs. Grogan went to the door and looked out. Toiling up the path to the shanty she saw a little group of men from the quarry, bearing on a rough litter the helpless form of a man. Mrs. Grogan sat down on the doorstep, and, throwing her apron over her head, rocked back and forth, moaning. she con- THE THIEVING ELEPHANT AND THE RESOURCEFUL FARMER. COPYRIGHT, 1899, BY KEPPLER & SCH WARZMANN

Ww. — ae : —— — SW SS =<

I. THE ELEPHANT. —I don’t mind working once in a while, when I can get all the dates I want to eat without having to pull them off the trees. NOT SURPRISING. ‘¢ That ’s just like a woman! She married him because he was going to the dogs.” ‘¢ Well?” ‘¢ And now she ’s leading him a dog’s life.” THE BEST excuse for some of our self-made men is that there was something wrong with the raw material. A MAN MAY wake and find himself famous; notwithstanding which, he may have to get up and hustle. WHILE you are hoping for better things it is just as well to keep those you have in good repair. WHEN GABRIEL blows his trumpet it will be curious to watch the kodak fiends.

DATE FARMER.— Great Jungles! That beast has eaten two baskets of dates! That don't pay, you leather- hided thief! I can’t beat him, for he won't work if I do. What shall I do?

“I know a way to keep him out of mischief. I ‘ll just tie his trunk to his tail, this way

THE ELEPHANT That fellow is a jay! Guess he thinks us elephants is kittens and have no strength!

wate

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oe | TRNvownnre I always did like dates.’ A THRILLING “That makes three more baskets! LEASE TELL me a story,” pleaded Uncle Timrod’s little a Why. te] nephew, who was sufficiently : school, and now yearned to be amused; ‘¢a story about bears or wolves or something awful exciting, like that.” ‘«*Well, —er—h’m! —Amzi; let me see! F old gentleman, after raking around in his memory for a mo- VALUE OF TESTIMONIALS. DATE FARMER By the eyelashes of my mother-in THE ELEPHANT.— The miserable miser! That ‘s law! That beast will be the ruination of me! Five what I call a low-down Irish trick! What use is my baskets lost! Come here, Willy ; I'll fix you this time! trunk now? RECITAL. could he handle his sword to cut off his right arm when his left one was already cut off?” that is,” stammered the obliging uncle; ‘don’t | ov ’ * 7 : 5 ailing to stay home from you see ? — Now, look here, Amzi, who is telling this story — you or me Tom P. Morgan. !”? complied the q ment. ‘*Oh, yes! seems to me I recollect suthin’ about a story ‘¢ Whenever melancholy seizes me and I begin to d spair of the human which, I believe, was about a Russian prince who was journeying in a sleigh race,” said the philosophical young man who was frequently out of employ through a forest wilderness, when he was pursued by a pack of raven- ment, ‘I just take the testimonials that my former employers have given ing, red-mouthed wolves. The prince lashed his horses quite a good deal and for a time kept safely in advance of the savage animals, but at length they had gained so on the tired horses that, thereby hoping to stay the pursuit a little, the nobleman, with an appropriate farewell, threw his child out amongst the wolves, which instantly began to devour it.” ‘¢ (o-0-0-0-0 !” shuddered little Amzi, with horrified relish, while his hair began to stand up straight ‘««M’m-my gug- gracious! I did n’t know he had his child with him!” ‘How could he have flung it to the wolves if he had n’t had it along?’ ‘*1T don’t know, sir. Do you s’pose it was his oniy child?” ‘* Don’t know. Probably he had more of ’em at home princes are usually pretty well- fixed for children. But, anyhow, that checked the fierce monsters for a brief time, but not so very long, for it was a small child,” continued the uncle. in a tone with ice down its back. ‘*Soon the pack came. on faster than ever, with gnashing teeth and blood and foam dripping from their horrid jaws; and, present- ly, in utter desperation, the nobleman drew his sword, cut off his own left arm and threw it to the raging pack.” ‘¢ Whoo-v-o-0-0!” shivered the little boy, his bulging eyes testifying to his enjoyment of the story. ‘* What came next?” ‘¢ The wolves fought over it for a moment, and then came on in hotter pursuit than ever, howling like demons. Then, losing all hope, the Prince drew his sword again, and, quickly slashing off his other arm, flung it to the wolves. Then —” ‘But, say, Uncle Timrod!” broke in the lad, with sudden skepticism, ‘‘ how in the world me and read their glowing d scription of at least one man who is ‘thoughtful, intrepid, modest, energetic, scholarly and a man of action, honest and shrewd,’ etc., etc., etc., and im mediately my faith in mankind returns.” HER PREFERENCE. BROWN My wife objectec to having a burglar-alarm put in the house. JONES. Why? BROWN.— Well, she figures that if there is no alarm bur finish their work “ quietly without waking any one; while, if she ever heard an alarm ring, she ’d be sure have an attack of hysterics LIMITED INFORMATION. ‘* Practically, then,” said th first man, ‘**you don’t know wut Samoar ‘I do not,” admitted the second man; ‘‘except that it one of thos« places inh chiefly by natives.” CRUELLY MISLED ‘* No,” said the Cuban; «1 in not believe in the sincerity of the United States.” ‘Why not?” They promised us liberty, and the first thing they do is ask us to go to work 7 SATIRE IS the art of stepping on a man's toes without spoiling the polish on his boots TH! GAME is not usually worth the candle that ts burned at & SCHWARZWANN TR rH IS mighty, but error is often abler to hire a hall WHAT CAUSED THE BREAK. MAy BIssot But | t it was going to be a real love match? [GNORAN¢ E OF the law ex SALLY DeWITT!# : 1 thev until r father told ther they cuses nobody: everybody \ ) scr emselves Is suppost d to know it all. ee ee ee ee

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= = +s fer \, gid | y ‘ “ fy ¢ Se UNFITTED. LITTLE FLossy.—I'm going to be an old maid, like Aunt Sarah! LITTLE TOMMY You can't! Who ever heard of an old maid named “ Flossy?" THE LAST TO FORSAKE. FLORA.— So you know Mr. Norox, do you? LENA.—Indeed I do! I’m one of his best friends. I was the last one to throw him overboard when —_—_—_——_ he lost all his money? WOULD BE WORTH TRYING. FIRST TRAMP.— Dis advertisement says if yer once try dat whiskey yer ’I] never be widout it. SECOND TRAMP. — If dat wuz so, I ’d try dat whiskey right away, if I had to saw wood to git de price. THE ACCEPTED TIME. LITTLE RODNEY (whe has an inguiring mind ).— Papa, what is the proper age fo1 a man to get married ? Mr. HENNYPECK.— Not till he is old enough to know better, my son. ‘ LOST HER RURAL VOTE. ‘‘It is strange,” said the Chicago politician, ‘‘that we failed to carry the city at the last election. I don’t understand it.” ‘¢ My opinion is,” replied another Chicago politician, ‘‘that we made a great mistake in our city politics in not making some kind of a bid for the agricultural vote.” HIS IRREVERENCE. OLD UNCLE GroutT.— Don’t get to thinking that you know it all. Old age brings wisdom to a man. FLIPPANT NEPHEW. ~ Yes; when he is too old to have sense enough to use it. KNEW TOO MUCH. JAYVILLE LOAFER.— Why did yew tell that actor-feller that yew ) COPYRIGHT, 1809, BY KEPFLER & SCHWARZMANN : GLUTTONY Is a vice, but dyspepsia is not a virtue. had n't any terbaccer ? UITE A FEW of those who would rather be right than President, are nevertheless ready to stifle their own preferences for the public good. JAYVILLE GROCER.—I ‘ve read about this yere stage-money ; — it 's , : : : no good! — 't ain't real money at all!

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PUCK. PUBLISHED EVERY WEDNESDAY. The subscription price of Puck is $5.00 per year. $2.50 for six months. $1.25 for three months Payabie in advance, KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN, Publishers and Proprietors. Wednesday, January 25, 1899.— No. 1142. NOTICE TO PUBLISHERS protected by copy in at Britain Infringement of promptly and vigorously prosecuted

Gr

PUCK’S Illustrations can be found only in PUCK’S Publications CARTOONS AND COMMENTS. “THE CONSENT NTI - EXPANSIONISTS express horror that we OF THE A should undertake to govern a new territory GOVERNED.” without first securing the consent of its inhabit- ants. They assume that ‘‘the consent of th governed” is a fundamental principle of our system; whereas, it is noth- ing more than a pretty fiction. It is probable that no one ever yet con sented to be governed. We devise Government for the protection of ourselves against the invasion of others. We impose it upon the others and if they don’t ‘‘consent”’ we do things to them. But we never admit that we need it for ourselves. Ask any citizen if he needs laws to keep him from being a murderer, an incendiary or a pickpocket. Ask him if he needs any prohibitory statute to keep Aim decent. He will frankly admit that he does n’t, but that he needs them to protect him from his neighbor. His neighbor is always an uncertain fellow; good at heart, pos sibly, but full of the devil and liable to carry on scandalously at any time. And so he governs his neighbor, regardless of his consent. Govern- > > > ment is merely the expression of their mutual distrust. There is no con- sent about it, because consent which is not freely given and which can not be freely withdrawn is no consent at all. It is coercion and that is all Government ever is, however we may sugar the pill. ‘¢ Yes, but the people of our several States do consent to government by the United States, and those poor Filipinos don’t consent,” urges the anti-expansionist. Is that so? Do our States really consent? Well, just let one of them try to withdraw its ‘* consent ’’—a privilege which is the very essence of consent to that which is continuous — and see what will happen. We know already. A few years ago a number of the States did withdraw their consent. The details need not be recited here. It is enough to say that one need look no further for illumination of the great truth that ‘‘consent of the governed” is a contradiction of terms. So much for the moral aspects of Expansion. Its opponents should confine themselves to its economic side. It is just as moral for the Uni to govern the Filipinos as it is for it to govern the State of New York. It will doubtless be more expensive; but that is another tale. HIS ARTFULNESS. ASKINGTON. — What makes you speak of old PUCK. A LETTER 'rHE LETTER AND A LEXINGTON, Net FABLE. Epitor Puck — Si In Puck of Ja , et rial I { the { I \r r WW r ore you w A y I I we et en So ¢ y + ‘ wa we have s eve nent \ ever did bef a I I t ff Can vi fi Ha ya " that I t wader \ H THE FABLI BEWILDERING PROSPERITY Some poor people, shipwrecked For S f rd nece sary to get out an H SF 1 l t kK ( ri a were doing very well when one day « WW d who had mastered one of the most difficult art f lif how to get Rich w i Watching other people W : ‘*H’m!” said the W rd, as | I fiel and nice new Factories, with a cor 1] | \ ( t Nothing to what 1 can « | ‘¢We know That said the poor | } ] worl Clos ttention to B ‘ ‘Oh, Shucks!” med the W ( t build up Industry that \ l the « ne S if pr til Industry y i just ought ! & “Wi is r Sy m sked t | Peop W ~ i \ I \ n ) fac l don't mind t l ( }ou I I iil pass v to keep up t Prices of s k my W ore ve Ww | De r hil i tl S f ( | | e were I Exp f ¢ ssured t W I t th did t I ! 1o1 Ss I servic Yes ! dt \ ! t ] 1 he ¢ | | DD ( ~ I vard lb | | Of | So tl Peop ! ' tacto s d p ad more t ot ! ( t J) Wizard o half \ t ( t of W : Fertil they T t ) 5 ! t l Ww Glad. But th I B t W izar who tool ¢ to pay 5} ‘ »t who K ] Books But th V I D nt ST vy was the greatest And some of them ) \ ( » half of hat we Make tl \ d \ st pay High prices f Evervth But otl S sal Oh! what ? | ! LD know we were 1 r sO prosperous t LD bef | t S ind, so, can’t \ that it ’s Lu n If beautiful big Ba ( his | walk t I iD dor you see he Could n’t w i Su | st p hied Zs l } I MORAI rosper A eri

Slicksmith as a war artist? TELLER. Why, he is smooth enough to draw a large pension for no appar- ent disability. BY HIS WORKS. ‘«Is Jones really such a devout Christian?” ‘Yes, indeed! Why, he ll even stay home from church Sunday morning to shovel the snow off his pave- ment.”

A NATURAL QUERY. <

ee eee

HE (between the acts ). — If you don’t mind, I will run

out and get a little air. DRESS REFORM. SHE. — Liquid air? THe TOA f ¢ Wasp).— N ry f = HELL, HOWEVER, costs la » t t Now, y d hardly beli me, but I 1 rw the taxpayers less. n my life!

Fit r CITIZEN,— I t] iN you StS ug to sub WV ot LO ) xpal just vw SI ND CITIZEN We ar First CITIZEN No : wi ( | ead. : : SURELY CLEVERTON They \ - Dew be p p f ; President DASHAWAY That : would be a pity CLEVERTON. Why? : DASHAWAY He ought } to be | to continue to serve his ntr : THESE HERESY cases in (it aiid Meal

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- I Now, ,» and remembe UNCLE SAM (fo his new class in Civilization ). st take a look at the class ahead of you — ~ 3 ao) i - ja shea ae Tf Ai ald al a o - , ae Ki Pa sy Kepecern & GOHWARZMANN. Copy RIGHT, <tr ee eee ee -— 7 - —onsioneee — DP! it mi ae al ee * SEE thy BE ia mea SFR Ge CStoS* Tr Ses

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roLQNieE> can€d ; Gover” e NOT, wo ENTED OR .u"~ FOR PHEIR CONSENT KOVANCED THE WORLDS CIVILIZATION - — THE U.S myst GOVERN ITs NEW |ERRI- TORIES WITH oR WITHOUT THER CONSENT Can GOVERN THEMSELVES ~ OOL BEGINS. low, \dreh, you ’ve got to learn these lessons whether you want to or not! ber t! n r little while, you will feel as glad to be here as they are! ' '

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A DESIRABLE INDUSTRY. HE SECRETARY of the Boombustown Board of Trade was sitting in his office wondering how on earth he was going to occupy himself till dinner- time, when the door suddenly flew open and in bustled a short, stout man, who seemed to be full of business and haste. ‘¢] understand that your town wants indus- tries to locate in it, eh?” said the-stranger, with- out waiting for any formal greeting. *« Yes,” replied the secretary, brightening up as though the visitor had turned the current on; ‘we do want to create this a great manufacturing centre.” ‘¢ Well, well, what inducements do you offer?” sputtered the ’ stranger before the secretary had finished. ‘«Why, upon being convinced. that the business is substantial and safe,” replied the secretary, with what he felt was unnecessary caution, so peremptory was the other’s manner, ‘we'll donate the land for the build- ings, and—” : ‘¢ You will?” interrupted the stranger. ‘* Whereabouts?” ‘¢ Almost any piace in the suburbs,” replied the secretary, liberally. ‘* You can take your choice.” ‘‘Suburbs, sir? Suburbs, eh? Darn the suburbs! I want as near the centre of town as possible!” exploded the stranger. ‘* Well, well, what else?” ‘‘We ’ll agree to subscribe for part of the stock; say five thousand doliars’-worth in a capital of —,” continued the secretary, more and more dazzled by his visitor’s business-like brusqueness. * « You will, eh?” interrupted the stranger. ‘* By jinks! that ’s what I call clever. This is the town forme! 1’ll move here if I never movea ” leg afterwards!” he declared. ‘¢ Er — excuse me, my dear sir, but — er— what is your business?” hesitated the secretary, feeling as though he really ought to know without asking. ‘* And—er— how many people do you employ?” ‘*Why, me? Me, sir? Thunder and lightning! you think it takes to give dancing lessons?” how big a mob do Alex. Ricketts. WE ARE inclined to feel more or less resentment against people who don’t do as we predicted they would. C COPYRIGHT, 1699, LY KEPPLER & SCHWART WANN SLIGHTLY MIXED. THE TRAMP.— Der is anudder sayin’ in support uv de one “ All t'ings comes ter him who waits!" THE FARMER What is it ? THe TRAMP.— ‘‘ God he Ip dose dat I elp demselves ! PRIMOG! NITURE RIGHTS seem to rest on the doctrine that the earth belongs to the oidest son because he saw it first. COPYRIGHT, 1899, BY KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN Mrs. NEWLYWED.— Before you married me, you said my lightest wish would be your law! a Mr. NEWLYWED.— Well, is n't it so, dearest? Mrs. NEWLYWED.— Well, yes;—but you have got more ways of get- ting around the law than a millionaire tax-dodger! Siia7” WHERE THE TROUBLE LAY.

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A FROBASLE. “CALL.” YOUNG MINISTER'S WIFE (hofe/ ) Do you think the Lord will call you to pre ich int t wealthy Boston « irch, Henry ? YOUNG MINISTER (calmly) feel quite sure that he will, Jane! The trus tees informed me confidentially that I was the only applicant on the list who was thoroughly sound on Ibsen, Emerson, Brownin ind Howells! EWIG WEIBLICHE., At first the person in the tattered shawl shrank timidly away; but some- thing in the face of the grand dame bade her be of good courage, ‘¢Pity !” r The child of luxury contemplated the picture of she faltered, extending her trembling hand. abject poverty, and her heart softened. ‘Here!’ she exclaimed, impulsively opening her purse and taking from it two recipes for pudding and a news- paper poem. ye ‘* Heaven bless “6 you hg gasped the 4 by A be gyar, scarcely ; able to believe her senses. For, after all, she was a woman, with a woman’s notion of the value = of those things. THICK ENOUGH. ‘ Beauty,” sighed the gazelle, ‘is, after all, only skin deep!” ‘¢Well, we pachyderms ain’t kicking,” replied the PYRMIGHT, 1899, BY KEPP.CR & SCHWARZMANN HELD BY THE ENEMY. hippopotamus, being al- = es together deceived as to the Mr. FULLER. — Thatsh strange! ‘ a Door ‘s unlocked 'n’ r can’t open it! motives of the people who Some onesh in ’ere holdin it ! came and stared at her. AN INADEQUATE MOTIVE. MANAGER.— There is one weak point about this melo- Y drama. The old man’s fortune amounts to a million; — Vj you ought to make that ten millions. PLAYWRIGHT. — Ten millions? MANAGER. — One million is too paltry a sum to explain the infernal machinations of the villain. NOT A GOOD FEATURE. FIRST TRAMP. — Dese people say in de advertisement dat dere brandy, when it ’s used in egg-nogg, makes a rare treat. SECOND TRAMP. Dat ’s jest what ’s de matter wid it; —it ’s too blamed rare! A MATCH-MAKER. € I igag rs ya I 1 at affa I n 1deé I € ‘ i I " LV Ly q ke I : Ar i } 4 . And ] f M | | Anc ‘ I i B I | H é I f y of In , H Ow Cl. ¢ MISTAKEN IDENTITY. (,UESSINGTON,. — | wager that that broad-browe« ! over there Is recently-graduated physician. CLEVERLY.— Oh, no! Did n’t vov overhear him sav that no one man can know evervthi KISSES. The kiss that ’s stolen, now, is kis And gone for good; however, The kiss that ’s kissed is seldom missed So much as the kiss that ’s never Mk. HENPECK’S VERSION — ** When a Woman Will, a Man Must.” AN INDUCEMENT ‘Vell, I don't care much for bowling, en: Or ren ES RR EGS ey SRS Ao = RY mere eet, > . ey at th erent hem eee fed

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ad . ae San SS SE A ATT OEM Oe - - Ree eo epee heer ee ae ooengea—eaa eads the List of the Highest. Grade Pianos, CAUTION.—The buyin: Boge will pl ot confound the genuine bo BOHMER x wah pt nf a similar sounding name of a cheap Our name spells— s—O-—-FHi-_-M—-E-—R New York SOHMER BUILDING Warerooms, 170 Fifth Ave., Cor. 22d St. A RARE CHANCE. They ought to build a college In Walla Walla, Wash., For it its yell The worst of all, b’gosh! L. A. W. Bulletin. ’s easy to see would be THE GOLF ELBOw. MISTAH EBONY. How is youah health dis mo’ning, Mistah Black? MisTAH BLACK.—1I’s all hunkydory ‘cept my right a’m, Mistah Ebony. I’s sufferin’ from de golf elbow.” ‘¢ Wot you been doin’? ‘¢ Beatin’ ca’pet.”— NV. Y. ” Weekly. SOHMER | A WESTERN IDYL. Roap AGENT. —Hold up yer hands, gents! Thankee, thankee. Much obliged for this watch. Been wantin’ one like that fer some time. These other watches is beauties, too. Now yer pocket-books, if yer please. Thankee, thankee. Sorry I had to interrupt yer journey; but that ring, please. Thankee, I won’t de- tain yer any longer. Hope y’ll find th’ folks all well at home. Good-by! Pleasant trip. Hope y’ll come this way ag’in soon. I feel greatly honored at havin’ had yer company fer th’ few minutes ye tarried here. Good-by, gents; good-by! First DRUMMER (after the stage moves on).—1 wonder where that villain studied politeness ? SECOND DRUMMER.—I think he must have been a Summer hotel-keeper. —New York Weekly. WORLD’S STANDARD Popular Cocktails. Purity, Perfect Distillation, Scientific Blending. The Most Delicious of Drinks. “They touch the spot.” WHISKEY, MANHATTAN, MARTINI, VERMOUTH, BRANDY, CIN, Etc. EAGLE LIQUEUR DISTILLERIES, RHEINSTROM BROS., Distillers and Exporters. Ask your Dealer for the “Good Luck Flask.” Cincinnati pleased to add my endo Powder; it is excellent, BUNNER’S_» Short Stories SHORT SIXES. Stories to be Read while the Candle Burns. By H. C. BUNNER, Late Editor of Puck. Illustrated by C. J. TAYLOR, F. OppER, and §S. B. GRIFFIN. THE RUNAWAY BROWNS. A Story of Small Stories. By H. C. BUNNER. Illustrated by C. J. TAYLOR. MADE IN FRANCE. French Tales Re- told with a United States Twist. By H. C. BUNNER. Illustiated by C. J. TAYLOR, MORE SHORT SIXES. By H. C. Bun- NER. Iliustrated by C. J. TAYLOR THE SUBURBAN SAGE. Stray Notes and Comments on His Simple Life. Illustrated by C. By H. C. BUNNER. J. Tayior. Five volumes in paper - Pive volumes in cloth ~- $2.50 5.00 or separately as follows Por volume, in paper, $0.50 - ** cloth, 1.00 oO 0 ine y sisners oO receipt of price. PUCK, N Ir is discouraging to a newly married man to sear his conscience praising his tittle wife’s cake, and then have her tell him she got it at the baker’s. — Roxbury Gazette. LiF& is but a toothless, hairless be- ginning hairless end, between which are sandwiched the sol- emn ceremony of a marriage and other mistakes. — Adams Freeman. and a toothless, “Can any mortal MIXTURE of Earth's mould such enchanting ravishment 1° —MILTUN A cr = IS FRACRANT and there is luxury and econo- my in every pipeful. Vou can’t get many good cigars now for $2.00—can you? $2.00 will buy a pound of Vale Mixture—say 400 pipers —and you will have all the pipe- smoker's satisfaction and com- fort without your (every-day ?) cigar extravagance. TROUBLE gets into many a home by means of a night latch-key.—Z. A. W. Bulletin. WHEN a man becomes too old he begins to give it.- to take advice, Roxbury Gazette. COPYRIGHT, 1869, BY KEPPLER & SChwArZMaNND A HOPEFUL SIGN. MISTRESS —Do you think that young Officer Keegan, who calls here so often, means business, Norah? THE Cook , dlushing).—I1 think he do, Mum;—he's begun to complain about my cooking already! TRADE ‘We are not a na- tion of shopkeepers, haughtily remarked one met a of the Spar ibinet, ‘Of course we are not, answered the one T There is a great deal of satisfaction in reflecting that even thou So og ny are no er ours we got a much-needed twentv nv on in spot cash for a very trou blesome lot of grour As I said, we are not ina of shopkeep ers; but I imagine we could hold our ow1 if we were to open ; few realestate offices Washington Star GIVE AND TAKE. MINNIE I wonder if she takes something for that smooth com plexion ? MAMIE think she gave thing for it.— Wash wneton Star. No; I some PS Are you with head YEAST. troubled ache ? CRIMSONBEAK Of course, | am! Every- body is who hz Yonkers Statesman. is it.— ‘*HE never smiled again is the title of some floating machine verses; but nothing to indicate whether he died or joined the Prohibition- there 1s ists.--Roxbury Gazette ' BIL! Is that parrot of vours up to date? Jitt.—I should say so! He uses a mega- phone!— Yonkers Statesman. Wuy do we ca!l it ‘‘hand writing? Does anybody write with his feet? — Washington Democrat Now Ready: [puck’s uarterly+= To, 12. Price 25 cents.

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means idvice, fa na- pers, : 1arked ft the ve are d the great Jon in even apines ours, eeded nh spot trou- ound re not keep- newe own pen a ices.’ lar. KE, onder thing com io; TI some Vash- Does 7et0n

whee

POLITE. SISTER (who has just sung for char- ity). —Well, I never thought my voice would fill that big hall! FRESHMAN BROTHER.— Neither did I. I thought it would empty it. — Harvard Lampoon.

Woo Soap is all soap—no rosin, no filling, no adulteration — positively pure, and ab- solutely safe for toilet and bath. Swift and Company, Chicago The only soap that won’t shrink woolens

OF THE REF The Purest Type | Purest Whiskey. Not To His LIKING | TATION. ‘There's always ‘What does that something happening man mean by sayin to worry me!” ex- you made all your - - | claimed the Chinese ney out of tilen: s? Emperor to the friend exclaimed the indig- with whom he was | nant friend. traveling incog. ELECTRO VAPOR ‘! <a know, ‘What 's the mat- | 20TH CENTUR answered Senator ter now?” -.+-LAUNCH.... Sorghum. It ain't | ‘The rumor that I | Seats 8, Speed 6 miles, costs to run 1%c per hour vccurate, anyhow. It am alive has been started again.’ Washington Star Yachts, Launches, etc., Guaranteed for one year or money refunded 3 $200. Send ioc. for large catalogue of Steam and Sail in steel, wood and aluminum WW RACINE BOAT MFG. CO., Lakeview, Racine, Wis. PRICE. was In pe made my ashingt plitics that I money m Star THE first two figures of 1899, when added, equal either of the last two, and the last two, when added equal the first two.

Well, what of it ?—Z. _ BOKER’S BITTERS An appetizer, promotes digestion, cures dyspepsia, and delicious in drinks No DETAILS NEEDED. Mrs. B1.ANK.—The paper tells of a post- master who ap- pointed by John Quin- cy Adams, and has held the position ever since. Was he an un- usually good man, do you think? MR. BLANK (an ex- perienced citizen) Oh, not at all; all. It was an unusu- ally poor office.— New York UW eekly. was not at TIME and time again he was _ inter- rupted in his speech, and finally he hesi tated, braced himself, and said: I may be a dry talker, but I'd have you understand I ‘m not so dry that you can rattle me.” rhe interruptions were no more, Adams Freeman. ‘IT is a question to me,’ said the dentist as he got up in the cold to answer a cry from his baby, ‘if a fellow makes most noise when his teeth are coming, or when they are going.— Yon- kers Statesman. ‘Does hanging prevent murder?” is a question which agi- tates the Society for the Abolition of Capi- tal Punishment Yes, it does. Cases _— are very rare where a man commits murder after he has been hanged once or twice. —Roxbury Gazette Resdy PUCK’S Quarterly 2

Rh & SOMWARZMANM Jack Yes SPECTATOR JACKY I Digestion’s HOW HE m a victim of the war What happened to yer greatest nip” before A.W. aid — Abbott’s — the Angostura Bitters. A ‘ meal gives appetite and helps digestion.— Abbott's. | and after every Bulletin.

DON’T FALL TO PIECES DE SMARTE.— Why do you always persist in buying your clothes at instalment houses? DE SHARPE. They always try to give me stuff that will last until the instal- ments are paid. - New York Weekly. BILL.—The under dog in a fight gets all the sympathy. JILL.—Yes; but, unfortunately, that is n’t all he ts.— Yonkers Statesman i ‘¢ THERE ’S no use in haunting this place any longer,” sighed the ghost; the people see through me.”— Vale Recor DON’ tion of build the ginger-bread house Ram’s Horn. inexperience. IT is surprising how many writer of this is one of them; the

JOHN PHILIP SOUSA, The Well-Known American Composer.

JOHN PHILIP SOUSA Waites: When worn out, I find nothing so helpful as a glass of Vin Mariani. To brain-workers and those who expend a great deal of nervous force, it is invaluable. JOHN PHILIP SOUSA. SUFFERED. Original Cook's Imperial Champagne medal, I was kept in the Brooklyn Navy Yard till the fightin’ was all over a century tells what extra dry, is. Gold A steadfast growth of half World's Fair ad. ; ' men have reader is probably

of cheap reputation on the ten-cent slouchy, careless business methods. The ; another. Atchison Globe. MARIANI WINE: THE FAMOUS TONIC FOR BODY AND BRAIN 7 Mariani Wine gives power to the brain, : strength and elasticity to the muscles and :‘chness to the blood. It is a promoter of good health and i longevity. § Mariani Wine is endorsed by more than 8,000 American physicians. It is specially indicated for General Debility, Overwork, Profound Depression and Exhaustion, Throat and Lung Diseases, Con- sumption and Malaria. A. Mariani Wine is invaluable for overworked men, delicate women, and sickly children. It soothes, strengthens and sustains the system, and braces body and brain. When the Grip (Influenza) was epidemic in Europe as also in this country, the Medical Protes- sion relied upon the tonic properties of Vin Mariani. It was given asa preventive and also in convales- cence to build up the system and to avoid the many disagreeable after effects so common with this dreaded disease.

4 lo those who vy | wt » MARIANIT : & CO., 52 West 15th Sore New York City, will be 1 me fre b ‘ gx portraits with et rise - s of I I Empress, Pr es, Ca 1als 7 Archbishops < g 1 Mention : his } 11 Bor rd u s " 4 I a" M< St res M I 2s-30 Hos al St f CULTIVATE the field of life clear up to the corners Ram's Hor i iG Your Work? ' Ps If you are dissatistied \ with your situation, 7 our 68 ary, your chance complete success, write to The , #- ‘rnational! a Corresp nde e Schools, Scranton, Pa " and learn how “ot! 1ers so situated are getting k ! An Education by Mail rses of Mechanical or Elec- , Architecture, or any of neering Courses are d for salaried draft- positions. Write ets

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‘* SOMETIMES,” said Uncle Eben, ‘‘a PAULINE. — What good will the Mr. Blink is so near- man imagines dat he’s puttin’ his foot ig | mistletoe do? down wif great firmness, when he ’s a epsa a8 sighted he ‘ll not be able to see it. merely gittin’ his back up an’ lookin’ PENELOPE.— But I guess he ’ll be- ridicklous.”— Washington Star. ' ig the best of table salt, into every grain of which is lieve me when I tell him it ’s there. % incorporated digestive substances natural , . to the stomach. Fill your salt-cellar with Yonkers Statesman. A MARRIED woman can’t be happy , Pepealt and use it in place of salt at | ———————— : y Diaig ; a é ¢ we your meals. If you have indigestion your | without creating the impression that she tthe . iy Stomach does not supply the necessary R ’ a (\. amount of the dissolving or digestive has risen above her troubles.—Aéchison | \ i ; ° , —) juices. Pepsalt taken in place of salt at 9 Gloéde. | Zs ( : A. ~ — our meals makes good this de- P e ciency, a8 you take with every mouthful of your food a similar = i. ~ k F ine cures of Porto Rico-made by native a wed thetekt, at Sone ! HE most de plorable kind of m f, . me 8. ; t e , ‘. 7 , / We cail them “RO iit siene te Arched Instep, 4| sanity is the kind that starts its vi as the cade may Le. the men of Gen. Brooke’s comman: Better Fitting Shoes, ; o We have secured about all of this, Ease and Comfort, 7°) ‘N ’ E the best leaf raised in Porto Rico. , By wearing GILBERT'S HEEL CUSHIONS. Do not require larger The last cargo of 500 bales is now un- x shoes. Invisible, durable, healthful. Increase height \ to 1 In loading for us in New Orleans. '6 In. high, 25e.; % in., 85e.; 1 in., 50e. Ladies’ or men’s. SPECIAT on ° : y This stock is pronounced equal to the , OFFER Seni name. size of shoe, height desired, and 2c. stamp HE nickel-in-the-slot music-box | ¢egacée. for pair on 10 days’ trial. Gilbert Mfg. Co., 56 Elm St., Rochester, X.Y rarest Vuelta. , . » “Lucke’s Rolls” leave no excuse for : ‘¢can’t play for a cent."—Z. A. W. GQ CY Q high-priced cigars. No 2 for 25c. cigar f | ¥ ae wae a ’ 3 0 Y now made equals them in richness. MERELY A MATTER OF TENSE Bulletin Good Wealth, € M. G. Their flavor ard aroma is absolutely nA . - scl ' . “ teh) ; i ; ies dati thi: f GRANDMOTHER.—And is John’s new ct at once upon this watch going all right? PROPOSITION His FATHER.—-No, Mother. It’s It may not appear . 2 + gone, long ago! — Jewelers’ Weekly. again. in prepaid . (00 oot BOX =$I — ‘*SOME MEN,” said Uncle Eben, ‘¢ holler ’bout havin’ los’ dah reputation, 8. Send us $1.00 only. . = : si We prepay delivery anywhere in 0. " | when, as a matter o’ fack, dey has jest | § , you don’t say—on trying them— et ’ » 2 ’ g _ _ QO 1 d FB Ke my Py foun’ de kind dat b’longs to ’em. ua ity an Nance, mellow, ch omoke 3 tres a ec | Y Bouquet commend it as the an easy, mellow, rich emoke a . i and equal (in quality not size) to an 1E “hristmas Prese P ye, ; Sid the. caer now unde y Tt best Christm ae ese - John | Id Whiskey ave me f I eal ° 1 back— KI, 4 willingly. 2 a — ——— ame ” To her true friend Mary Ann said she, Gefee¢ c f SS It is generous and absolutely faithful. Downtown on Broadway to him e FERDINAND WESTHEIMER & SONS, we employ 2909 hand work-people. £ anon etd. oes wee ‘ : DISTILLERY : CINCINNATI, O, y. " : Javiess Co., K § SEP I i bank or mercantile agency. Collar Buttons of glittering gold. = - a Saad ncallb- ’ E win JOSEPH, Mo. n at once—you are not likely to see this offer again. J. H. LUGKE & CO., END view ** BENEDICT.” 16 Lucke Block, Cincinnati, 0. Eswaran nanettonepanivades A UBGEERGL-E | BENEDICT BROTHERS, Jewelers, Broadway and Cortlandt St., New York. HENRY LINDENMEYR & SONS, Manufactured for the Trade by PAPER WAREHOUSE, ENOS RICHARDSON & CO., **,tsi4n {a0 82, 34 and 36 Bleecker Street, : New York. BRANCH WAREHOUSE : 20 Beekman Street, } New Yor. All kinds of Paper made to order. THIS MEANS YOU! WORK SIX HOURS A DAY FOR THE COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS AT MORE THAN & * * 2% SATISFACTORY FIGURES. It will pay you handsomely, if you work intelligently. There is not a particle of exaggeration about this. In each ‘town of 2,000 inhabitants or fewer we want one representative ree be a good one and well recommended). In each town of 2,000 or over (up to 5,000) we want two good representatives. | We mean within the next six months to have some one call at every residence in every town of thc United States, and there speak of the merits of this magazine. Will you do the calling and the soliciting of subscriptions ? Do not write us unless you can do the work well. If you do write, send references and full details of what you think you ‘can accomplish. THE COSMOPOLITAN has claimed for three ‘years without dispute that it possessed the largest clientele of ‘intelligent, thoughtful readers reached by any publication—daily, weekly or monthly—in the world, It is only one dollar a year. ce pe Sean yeanige «faggot <adnharhrng honor It is edited to interest every member of the family. It gives the never will ! ea: elon oe easiest access to homes for canvassers of any publication in exist- he prepa es Soreniiies oA ! Whot ’d ye t’nk if ye ’d bust yer old press ence. Everywhere it isknown. Everywhere liked. As for terms,| itetaght Sine mead a0 Gelbed the a00 teen, Wed jet ov ct & ox ont the we will guarantee you will be satisfied with those we offer. __ Paper out the day before!” Dr. Siegert’s Angostura Bitters—acknowledged | NOW READY: LITAN, Irvi -H N. Y. merece COSMOPO: ? ington-on udson, | the world over as the greatest known regulator PICKINGS FROM PUCK No. 30 tims to writing pieces for the papers. —Washington Democrat. 2 iefical as dymplomea

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fill the Oo near- ee it. > "ll be- SPRING, 1899. Embroideries. Nainsook, Swiss and Cambric Edgings. Insertions, Flouncings, All Overs. Sets to Match. Embroidered Trimmings, for Ladies’ and Children’s Dresses. Robes. White and Colored Batiste, Swiss and Piqué Embroidered Robes. A 19Hb ot. NEW YORK. 3, ARKEEPERS FRIEND METAL POLISH —Sure, Quick, Easy. Gives a brilliant, durabie lustre; never spoils: guaranteed pound box 25c. at dealers. G. W. Hoffman, Mofr., Indianapolis, Ind Send $1.25, $2.10, or $3.50 for a superb box of candy by express, prepaid east of Denver or west o! New York Suitable for presents. Sample orders solicited. Address, C. F. GUNTHER, Confectioner, 212 State St., Chicago. and Liquor Habit cured in 10 to 20 days. No pay till cured. Dr. J. L. Stephens, Dept. L, Lebanon, Ohio. Uy Nj WH y KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANW OFF HIS UNCLE JosH.—I know I was foolish but I was n't dreamin man. You see, it happened in Buffalo. UNCLE HiraM.— Well? 39 Chestnut St., Newark, N. J. The most pungent, exhilarating and refreshing Perfume. Used by persons of refinement. Imported into Amcrica for three-quarters of a Century. Be sure to get ‘‘ No. 4711,’ which is the standard in all civilized countries. MULHENS & KROPFF, N. Y., U. S. AGENTS. to counterfeiting it.—Z. A. W. Bulletin. DON’T TAKE IT | If your dealer offers you another collar button and says “it 's just as good” as the KREMENTZ One-Piece Collar Button. ~— There ’s no “ just-as-good”’ kind made. You get a new one in case of accident of any kind. All jewelers sell them. Insist on getting the KREMENTZ. Postal us for booklet. KREMENTZ & CO., \ GUARD. ¥ ’ of meetin’ a bunco UNCLE Josu.—Well, of course, I never s'posed you 'd meet a bunco man anywhere except in New York. A MAN must want money bad when he goes | CALIFORNIA. Extraordinary Tour via Pennsylvania Railroad. America is a great country. In variety and grandeur of natural scenery it is unrivaled To traverse it, to behold its diversities and its won- ders, is a liberal education, a revelation to the immured metropolitan citizen. The Personally- Conducted Tour to California under the diree- tion of the Pennsvivania oad Company, which leaves on Febr ords a most ex- cellent opportunity to view the vast variety and boundless beauty of this marvelous land rhe party will travel over the entire route in the model Pullman train of smoking ing, and observation cars ex World's Fair, Chicago, and sut lanta, Nashville, and On be pl aced in service for t occasion, and will be in « Agent and Chaperon, w! wi details of the trip, as well ; welfare of members of the 7 be made at Mammoth Cave ing Mardi Gras Carnival, I San Diego, Redlands, Riv Santa Barbara, Monterey Cruz, Mount Hamilton, Mer ciso, Salt Lake Citv, Glenwood S rado Springs, Manitou and Garden of Denver, and Chicago Nineteen davs w spent in € fornia Round-trip rate, ivcludine | all necessary y s a g re trip, $400 from all point yn the nsvivania Railroad System east of Pittsburg; $395 from Pittsburg For itinerary and full informaric pply to ticket 1196 Broadway, New Boyd, Assistant Gen- jroad Street Station, agents Tourist York: or addres eral Passe Philadelphia im Blakemore | Whiskey »: NOTHING BETTER MADE OR SOLD Matured in wood and bottled in bond under Governmental Supervision @ your dealer hasn’t it send us TWELVE DOLLARS and we will have sent to your address by express prepaid a sample case containing TWELVE BOTTLES. ws Freipere & Workum Cincinnati, Obie. ate erm 04; | Istmicep. MOST SUPERB DAY TRAIN IN THE WORLD. NEW YORK. _ PHILADELPHIA. BALTIMORE. WASHINGTON. "3.00 PM-AR WASH'N 8.00 PM PM-AR.NEW YORK 8.00 PM LV NE Ww LV WASHN HAVE YOU VISITED THE ADIRONDACKS IN WINTER? If you need a bracing, dry air, fi lled with the healthful odor of the balsam and the fir, you will find it at Saranac Lake — only twelve hours from New York or Buffalo, by the NEW YORK CENTRAL, ““ AMERICA’S GREATEST RAILROAD.’ ’ An illustrated descriptive book of this region will be sent to any address on receipt of two 2-cent stamps, or a folder for one 2-cent stamp, by George H. Daniels, General Passen- ger Agent, Grand Central Station, New York. + ae we - oO BE yn Oe Cgg et i

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KINDLY STRANGER.— Nay, nay, my son! Revenge is not Rather shouldst thou heap coals of fire upon his head. Doest thou some kind act unto him at thy first opportunity and it will repay thee! KINDLY STRANGER.— What is the matter, my little man? Why doest thou weep? Why hast thou that brick in thy hand? thine! Throw away the brick! WILLY GREEN.— Why, that big bully just give me a swipe in th’ neck and I'm goin’ to t'row dis brick at him! III. WILLY GREEN (a few hours fater).— Here comes that Bully ( Timidly).— “‘ Say, Bully, do you want one of these slices of Jones; all dressed up in his best Sunday suit! Say, I think I ‘ll bread and molasses? All right, you can have one!” try that coal-of-fire racket on him. I'll go in and get two pieces BULLY JoNES.— Say, dis is fine! Dis will square us fer me of bread and molasses and give him a piece! swipin’ yer dis mornin’ ! Vv. “*Say, Greeny, dis is a reg’lar treat! Just watch me git on de outside of dis! e ~: “Say, Greeny, dere 's me mother callin’ me! I ‘ve got to be Mrs. Jones.—For goodness sake! What have you been goin’ !" doing? Just look at that new suit! Don't tell me! Make no excuses! I'll fix you! I ‘Il teach you a thing or two! You wicked, careless boy! WILLY GREEN.—Say, dat coal-of-fire racket worked all right! COALS OF FIRE. A CASE OF UNLOOKED FOR RETRIBUTION. SSS aa