Puck 1898-11-23: Vol 44 Iss 1133

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WOCOPiE5 as Zu Ete. ~{ NOV17 1898 i : “46n™ ~WLiy Ev. / . ‘ ‘ ‘ a ( NOV 17 1898 \ “Modiea\ pr VOL. XLIV. No. 1333-\ Peo, PUCK BUILDING, New York, November 23rd, 1898. PRICE TEN CENTS. Step ONT 'S AA Copyright, 1898, by Keppler & Schwarzmann. Pe * fool, » ae 3 $es a ae ah a fs | } . at. . be HW 404 Entered at N. Y. P.O. as Second-ciease Mall Matter. eb at, Sa ae COPYRIGHT 1698 BY REPPLER B SCWARTMANN THE MODERN MAID—AS CHANGEABLE AS THE SEASONS.

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THE HERO. ‘©O Hero! laurel-crowned! Pray tell us who you are?” . , is . ‘I ’m the first who claimed to have fired \ a 4 . I ’m the fi oO « € . . V3 a jf J the first CS \ Shot in the Spanish war!” CA . ‘ y INCREASE THE JOY. } — ‘¢] think we ought to have seven or eight days of registration, in = iy | stead of four.” \\ ‘¢Why?” ; ‘¢ Because the results always give such intense satisfaction to the politicians on both sides.” IN. PEKIN. ‘¢As to the Emperor,” said the Empress Dowager, ‘the silly boy hardly knows whether he is dead or alive.” ‘¢From which,” remarked Li Hung Chang, ‘I infer that he reads the papers.” THE SEASON is again at hand when the thoughts of the. mince-pie of long ago are enough to make an — anchorite want to pull up anchor and sail back to the , AE days of his boyhood. : PERHAPS AGUINALDO thinks his mission is to be a —=) permanent war-cloud A PROOF OF HIS GOODNESS. VENDOR.— Buy dis nice pup fer de child, won't ye, Ma’m ? PROSPECTIVE CUSTOMER.— Is he a good dog ? VENDOR — Dere 's none better!) Why, on'y vistiddy he licked his mother! BAFFLED. HE ENEMY stood off the entrance to New York har- bor; the forts were silenced; nothing inter- vened between them and their prey except the torpedos. “s the torpedos!” signaled the ad- miral, in accordance with the latest notions of naval strategy. ‘¢ But the Guggenheimer law!” exclaimed the executive officer, paling. Yes, to be sure. Clearly, what is technically known as the 4x /oci would prevail in such an exigency, for they were within three leagues from shore. WE WILL IMPROVE. ‘* We are somewhat crude in our diplomatic methods. / 4 / { 5 We went to war with Spain without publishing a blue book or 1. M,N f Y a. 5 a yeilow book or any other book.” \ AS = \ \ Y yy, Sf, = ph, ee Se ‘‘«Never mind; the next time we have a casus belli we ‘Il — LS \ ( ean BG . publish a red, white and blue book.” ati Wan, Lo & =D ' wwenzusens NOT WORRIED. FOLLOWING AN APPROVED METHOD. ‘* The opposition to you,” said his friend, ‘‘is no longer confined to ies Atiediac tient iol met laaw won véiledday Gittine with that fide an insignificant minority.” Miss Feathers! ‘¢No,” said the Boss, calmly; ‘* but it is confined to an insignificant THe Younc Ostricu.— You could n't have seen us! The moment we majority.” heard anvbody coming we buried our heads in the sand!

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VOIGHT 1808 BY KEPPLER & Schwan of rounds of vocal features expressed scorn and contempt. In another minute he was endeavoring to make the expression more scornful and contemptu- ous, and was gradually forgetting what he had started to curse himself about. In less than five minutes he was admiring himself as an actor, and by the time he stopped he was in a glow of self- admiration and thinking seriously of applying to the theatrical trust for a position as a star. Perhaps it is just as well that human nature is constructed along these foolish lines. Their honeymoon continued till Of gold there was a dearth, — Eclipsed, like any other moon, AMicus.— Which do you find the harder, the beginning of a sen A SLIGHT HE MAN stood before the mirror and cursed himself. He had come, and when he caught sight of his own features in the glass the curses he launched at himself were as well deserved as they were well applied; but, after firing his first couple MISTAKE. LorD LITTLEDOUGH (who has got old COLDKASH in a corner at the club). — Mr. Coldkash, your daughter is the idol of my life, the one hope and aim of my existence! Might I dare hope that some day I may be permitted to call her ‘' wife ? Mr. COLDKASH (astonished). — But, my dear sir, | Aave no daughter r Lorp LITTLEDOUGH. — Oh! pardon me!— somebody told me that you had. Let's have a drink! L THE BALM OF VANITY. had read somewhere that the poet, Heine, used to indulge in foolishness of this sort when things were not well with him, and perhaps this is what started him in the habit. However, on this occasion, he was really in earnest. There was nothing spec- tacular about it, for he had simply been drowning himself in his own folly and the days of remorse ammunition, he suddenly noticed how well his THE EARTH EARTHY. sy the shadow of the earth. novel or the end? GREAT AUTHOR.— The end, of course. When a novel is going Z : wy) well as a serial at space rates it is simply heartbreaking to have to A =, ee ee OS . 2 z . ~- i ee =] bring it to an end. _— act ad ——_ MAN NEVER more sincerely congratulates himself than when he . . . a ee Ae ¥ cong | : A NEAT SAVING. realizes that he has narrowly escaped making an ass of himself. PETE PUNKINS. — Did yo’ buy dat thirty-dollar bicycle yo’ wa peaking about? |v NEVER seems to occur to some people that some things are none of DAVE DoomsDAY.—No. I decided to invest in dis cob their business. } PETE PUNKINS. —I see ; — and save twenty-five dollars

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THE COPYRIGHT, 1666, GY KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANM MATERNAL FEARS. Mrs. BEACON STREET (0f Boston).—I1 am so worried about Percy, you know! Mrs. BUNKER HILL.—And why? Mrs. BEACON STREET.— Why, he goes to Hawvawd next year, you know, and I am so afraid that they will tempt him to join the foot-ball squad, to the detriment of his studies and mentality. ULTIMATUM OF THE BAD HABITS. GAIN I''m jilted — foresworn — disowned !"’ My Lady Nicotine sadly cried ; ‘*He 's cut my company,’’ Bacchus groaned ; ** Won't join my parties," and Hazard sighed. Then these, his habits but just expelled, All frowning angrily, passed in file The roof whereunder their rival dwelled, **Let's write the master,’’ said Nicotine. The rest assenting, she wrote: ‘‘ Dear Sir — To be evicted as we have been (And regularly does this occur), Would rouse resentment in any heart. So we ‘ve determined to say, in brief, Good-by forever, and so depart — A farewell filling my soul with grief. ‘* We hope your habit that drives us out, That breaks so often your faith with us, May fill our places ; — but this we doubt. Your joy whenever you would discuss An ancient vintage, the tingling thrill With which you welcomed a card or toss — That other habit will not do ill In recompensing for such a loss. ‘‘ My ministrations — the calm content I placed where formerly trouble stood, The soft, innocuous sentiment I brought your spirit, are gone — for good! For smoke you may, or the bumper fill, Or play, the tastes you have coldly sped Shall never, never return until Your habit of falling in love is dead !"’ Layton Brewer. THE MAN who is slow and sure is bound to get there, even i he arrives too late. THE FACT that we can’t take our money with us when we die is a great consolation to the legal profession. Who taunted them with his happy smile. INFORMATION CHOLLY.— It 's deucedly wet! BOWERY BILL.—Say, what does “ HARMONY. A tenor who sang in the choir Raised his voice hoir and hoir ; — ‘¢Does the fool think that he The whole show will be?” The basso was heard to enquoir. HIS EXPERIENCE. First TRAMP.— Dere ’s only jes’ one fault ter find wid all de jobs I ever tackled. SECOND TRAMP.—Wot’s dat? First TRAMP.— De work al- lers becomes monotonous after about t’ree minutes. HIS LAST CHANCE. TELLER.— My Uncle Grout is a very sarcastic old fellow; pain- fully so, at times. ASKINS.— That so? TELLER. — Yes. I have just 4 received the following telegram from him: ‘‘ Dear Nephew — If : you want to see your Cousin } Amos for the last time before he a marries, come at once.” _—— BEHIND THE SANCTUM SCENES. REPORTER. — Mr. and Mrs. Chatterton, at the Park Slope Hotel, are the proud parents of a son. City Epiror. —That can in under the heading of ‘Recent Hotel Arrivals.” +48) 5 20 YRGHT, 1898, BY KEPPLER & SCWWARZMANN WANTED. deucedly"’ mean, old chappie? I

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ABR BOR TOs hes. THE REPORTER’S CATHECISM. I HAT SHOULD be said about the political situation? It is obscure. Where do we now stand? Facing a crisis. What is the issue? Second in importance only to the Constitution. What should be taken? Steps. How? In the right direction. How is the delegation to act? In accordance with the urgent demands of the people. Where are the documents which prove beyond dispute the falsehood of the opposing faction? Before us. What is our source of information. Absolutely reliable. ‘ Il. What does an enthusiastic crowd? Cheer. What increases the impressiveness of the scene? The singing of ‘* America.” And who had the pleasure of first shaking hands with the dis- tinguished orator on his arrival in a private car? We. What was the address? Masterly. How is this meeting likely to affect the cause of our party in this county? It will strengthen it. Ill. Who was the deceased ? One of our most distinguished business men. How did he exercise a greater philanthropy TOO than is generally recognized? Privately. From what did his extensive manufacturing plant originate? From a modest workshop. In what words did the Rev. Dr. Doe mention COPYRIGHT 1696, BY KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN the deceased ? In touching and appropriate words. What remained dry during the ceremony? Whitt} EASILY FIXED. SQUIRE WATERBURY.— What 's good for a bad cold, Ezra? UNCLE Ezra Toppynip.— Take a drink of good whiskey SQUIRE WATERBURY.— But I don't drink UNCLE Ezra Toppynip.— Waz-al, I ‘ll jine you, an’ you kin take a cigar DEEP. How do years affect our great actresses? They leave no trace. (é D: What did the applause assume? The character of an ovation. What are all French singers Naughty. What did the comical man do? ; Convulse the audience. But few eyes. yn Vi. IV. As the paper goes into print, what do we do? What is every entertainment? ~ Learn One of the most successful of the season. Who telegraphed the war news? What happens to distinguished guests? a Our special correspondent. They are noticed. on Pee ae dae td's catek os. tye What are we ready to prove before any court What was much enjoyed by all present? man keeps all his cash in de mattress. I ‘ll just in the country? The evening. V. What is every con- cert? The most notable musical event of the season. What are the gen- eric characteristics of a pianist? A masterly touch, soft, yet full of manly force; a fine sense of interpretation, and an unparalleled tech- “Say! dis is a great bit I got in dis auger.” THE OLD MAN.— Burglars! Not a weapon in the house. Ah! That block of wood may bea nique. help! = 2 a? ‘ y Wi ke at “J cut de panel of de door out, put me head in an’ open de lock. De rest is easy. “It’s de same here. Dat door must be a foot thick. We'll try de shutter. “Great Padlocks! Bill, it’s just as bad here. The falsehood and virulence of our opponent’s allegations. thd We preter, how e ever, what? To treat such in- famy with the silent contempt it deserves. * (ffi Ali Quid. z ei 2 WHEN WE see how some peeple |? prosper we are inclined 4 to wish that we were , : : THE BURGLAR.— Say, Bill! dere is somet'in’ not really so capable queer about dis door. I've bored in ten inches and de bit hain't got t’rough yet. I'll try another panel. and had a smoother way of talking. el lca —sooe —— as they move off in disgust).—*' Say, Bill! de only way ter git inter a house what has doors and winders a foot thick is ter use one o' dem thirteen inch guns what dey have on war-ships Sl

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HIS IDEA. LITTLE WILLY. — Pa, what is a bigamist? Papa.—A bigamist, my son, is a man who has more wives than the law provides. LITTLE WILLY.— Why, Pa, I did n’t know that the law provided a man with any wives at all; I thought he had to go out and hustle one for himself if he wanted her? oa? A NATURAL SEQUENCE. ARBUTTNOT.—I hear that the ladies of the old Salvation Army are transferring their allegiance en masse to its new rival offshoot. ARBUCKLE.— What reason is given? ARBUTTNOT. — It is said that the new organiza- tion has adopted a slightly more becoming bonnet. PARALLEL CASES. FIRST CITIZEN. —I don’t see the use of imposing penalties for attempts at suicide, SECOND CITIZEN.-—-No. The law can’t stop a man who really wants to take his life any more than he it can keep him from taking a drink on Sunday. oo RAG tte fy \wanneeY 4 4 DISQUALIFIED. pete ie. * HENRIQUES.— I see that Dusnap made the lowest score ever played over our links, yesterday; but they say it is going to be ruled out. OTTINGER.— Yes; I believe he did not have on his golf suit. TORTURE. ‘¢Ha, ha!” laughed the coal baron, mockingly; for, all his life he had been wont to be roasted. Satan was visibly nettled. ‘¢ Just let this party stand around and see us keep up a fire without fuel !”” commanded his majesty, curtly, The coal baron implored mercy, but in vain. COPYRIGHT, 1898, BY KEPPLER & SCHWARZWANN A SIMPLE THING. BELLE.— How did you find out the name of Maude’s new beau? ~~ LENA.—I gave her my new pen to try. PUZZLED. T'S FUNNY that my Pa can do So many things I can't—— At least, I don't when he's aroun’, Because he sez I sha'n't. So I'm a-savin' up a lot To do when I'm a man. "T would '‘commodate me, too, if he Would tell when he began. There 's ‘bout a hunderd words, all worse Than “ darn it!" or ‘I bet!" Pa sez ‘em, but I can’t. I guess I am too young as yet. An’ Pa smokes big cigars; —I can't. One day he caught me in The woodshed with a cigarette An’ walloped me like sin. Las’ night when Ma wuz snugglin’ me She asked me what I ‘ll do When I'm a man; an’ then I 'splained The things I ‘ve told to you. An’ she said: ‘‘ Dearie, don't be like Majority of men —"’ But if I can't when I am big, Please say, when can I, then? Edwin L. Sabin. Se ae EXIT DEPRESSION. PERSONS WHO lay up treasures in heaven often expect to live on the FOREMAN.—While you were out old Hi Higgins left six pumpkins up interest of them. here in the office for you. Epitor Chalktown Chanticleer— That so? Well, we must give Hi [T 1s to be suspected that Diogenes possibly found an honest man, but something of a write-up. By the way, I guess you ‘d better leave out was not able to agree with him as to the veriscope privileges. that editorial I wrote for this week about times getting harder.

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are protected by copyright in both the Great Brit promptly and vigorously prosecuted

CARTOONS AND COMMENTS. GOVERNOR _ PEOPLE are considerable of an in- ROOSEVELT. stitution. They take large liberties with themselves in a way that is magnifi- cently inconsistent. Before election orators picture them as transparently single-minded; after election it is always seen that their reasoning is as hard to follow and their motives as obscure as the reasoning and the motives of a woman. A prophet who boasts accurate fore-knowledge of their vote might as plausibly claim to know the logic of the wind. In New York they have refused Judge Van Wyck for their Gevernor. He is an excellent gentleman and PucK felicitates him upon the very flattering if inadequate vote which he received. They have preferred to take a gentleman no less excellent in personal worth, and PUCK likewise felicitates him. And, since the People undoubtedly knew what they wanted, we most heartily congratulate them upon their success in getting it. So far as one may know such things, it seems plain that Col. Roosevelt’s election is a personal triumph over two Bosses,—that he defeated both Croker and Platt. By the same token it seems as plain that he was not elected because of his aversion to Spain nor because of any fancied insecurity of the Nation; that is, a strict division between pro-Spanish and anti-Spanish votérs would have ingtuced a much greater majority against Spain than that by which Col. Roosevelt won his place. The people seem to have been moved by their immediate and legitimate interests. They believed that Col. Roosevelt would serve them right here in New York better than his opponent. They accepted him apparently in the belief that, as Browning has it: ‘* He who did well in war just earns the right To begin doing well in peace We believe they will not be disappointed, We look to see him make as good a record in peace as he made in war. The opportunity is all that he could wish, and we are convinced he has the disposition, AS TO THE —— AGAINST the keeping of PHILIPPINES. the Philippines are plentiful. They are good ones, too. The islands are far away; their people nomads, savages and pirates; their resources undeveloped; their value as producers uncertain ; we have territory enough already; also a sufficiency of race troubles. Clearly, the retention of these islands means an additional burden and expense. And yet, in spite of ‘these good arguments, the sentiment of the country seems to be unmistakably for keeping them. It is a sentiment not based upon their value, and hence it is superior to all figures showing them to be undesirable. It is a sentiment that wants them whether they are desirable or not, a senti- ment willing to make a monetary sacrifice in order to keep them. ‘National pride” perhaps best describes this senti- ment; and, to define it more closely, national pride in the achievements of Dewey and our navy. He, as our repre sentative, won a foothold in those islands in a way that thrilled every one of us; and we have a fecling that to giv up the position now would be to belittle his victory, himself and ourselves. Possibly all that the anti-annexationists say of this sentiment is true. It may be primitive and un reasoning. But there it is, a very important sentiment among those by which human nature expresses itself; and what are you going to do about it? But it must be said that mingled with this purely selfish sentiment is one that is unselfish, a genuine impulse to protect the Filipinos from the oppression of Spain, in accordance with promises

Iniringement of this copy Wednesday, November 23, 1898.— No. 1133. NOTICE TO PUBLISHERS. The contents of Puck 1 < ight

PUCK. PUCK. plainly implied if not worded, and to help them in the ways of civilization : Call it Quixotic, if you like, it persists just the same. There is just a i PUBLISHED EVERY WEDNESDAY. much human nature in a nation as there is in an individual. Should thes The subscription price of Puck is $5.00 per year. sentiments prevail, as we believe they will, we shall keep the islands ; tH $2.50 for six months. $1.25 for three months and, no doubt, twenty years from now, we shall be congratulating our rit Payable in advance. selves upon the far-sighted policy that gave us a foothold in the East, eseush & Sovesenmennn: forgetting that we took it merely out of pride mixed with philanthropy. | Publishers and Proprietors. . - SUPPLEMENTARY HISTORY. Naturally, when King Nebuchadnezzar took to eating grass it mad more or less talk among the neighbors. ‘s He ’s touched in his nut!” remarked some. ates ana will be But there were others who were more rational j ‘*He’s paying an election bet!” declared they, confidently PUCK’S Illustrations can be found only in PUCK’S Publications. Q)NE GoopD result of an Anglo-American alliance might be the naturali zation of the Canadian ten-cent piece CONTRADICTORY. May BLuME I understand some one left that young G halfan na rt time ag Jack DeWiITTte.— Yes; and he has n't been wort!

ean

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se J-OTTMAN WN LITH.CO.PUCK BLDG.N.Y CopyrienT, 108, ey KePPLen 4 SCHWARZMAPN. CAN’T LET GO. EL TEI OE

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PUCK.

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JACK WOULD KNOW, ANK!S =j}>—.. 1 — , wa TOO. Mrs. Ask1im.— I wonder what Chrysanthemums signify in the flower language ? MAY ASKIM.— Well, I know in this case ; TO MINERVA. (VASSAR 99.) UPID INSPECTS with troubled gaze And doubting heart your learned ways, Your scholar’s robe and mortar board, Your bookish tones, that ill accord With all the charms your form betrays And while I ‘m bound, he '‘s fain to praise The beauty that your face displays, Yet from afar, with manner awed, Cupid inspects And I, whose heart is in a blaze Of love that for your favor prays, f Scarce hope at present for reward, Xe. Since you by love will e’er be bored Till Venus, pitying, arrays Cupid in specs! Richard Stillman Powell. AN INFERENCE. THE DocTor’s FRIEND.— The paper says that ‘the best medical skill was summoned and Dr. Boneset arrived promptly.” ANOTHER FRIEND.—H’m! _ I suppose the best medical skill was n’t in. if I send those to Jack they ‘ll mean I expect a dozen American Beauties to-morrow. WOULD FILL A LONG-FELT WANT. FIRST SUBURBANITE.—I think Jenkins is really an original man. SECOND SUBURBANITE. — Yes, indeed! I expect that one of these a new excuse for being willing to days he ’ll invent dispose of one’s property. DURING THE EXCITEMENT. CiTIZEN.— What is the trouble over there? \ i! Has the bank failed? J POLICEMAN.— No; the depositors are just 2 having a run for their money. ITS FUNCTION. THE GOVERNESS. Do you know what the hyphen is used for? THE PupiL.—Oh! yes; people in our set use it in their last names. LJNPOPULARITY Is about the most expensive luxury a man can in- dulge in. THERE ARE fewer real servants of the Lord than the pay-roll would indicate. THE OLDER a man gets the more desirable things he can think of that it is too late to do.

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Nae Als insportwatd oe Patent Calf Jace ar 7 and Enamel butt

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Ae A THOUGBTLESS PAINTER. ‘*What is this figure in the back- ground?” asked the German E ‘ That,” answered the artist, pused to be your Majesty on top of a mountain commanding the world.” The moun- ‘¢ Nonsense! Paint it out. tain is a very good idea; but the idea of putting me in the background under any circumstances is preposterous !”? — Washington Star. ONE thing people can never under- stand is why their children always want to play with bad children instead of with good ones.— Washington Democrat. ia THE CELEBRATED Heads the List of the Highest-Grade Pianos, CAUTION.—The buying pattie will please not e ano with ing name of a cheap confound the — HMER one of a similar grade. Our name spells— s—O-—-H-_-M—-E—_—R SOHMER BUILDING 170 Fifth Ave., Cor. New York Warerooms,

of Santiago. mperor. ‘¢is sup- * NEW YORK - aed

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A Sample Phial for the postage, three cents, if you mention this publication. Address, P. O. Box 247, New York City. HALL & RUCKEL ° LONDON -

A Happy BRIDE. ‘¢ Brides are usually distinguished for some special trait or attraction.”’ ‘¢1 believe so.” ‘<It’s different with one of the latest ’ of them.’ ‘«¢ Why so?” ‘¢ She ’] be known for her General Merritt.” —Cleveland Plain Dealer. BUNGO.— Has Babley ever invited you to visit him? SNIPLER.— No; all he ever did was to tell me to call around and see him some time.— Roxbury Gazette.

224 St. ADMIRA DMIRAL SAMPSON is one of the contributors to I\ THe CENTuRY’sS SPANISH WAR SERIES, which begins in the November CENTURY with the first part of Capiain Sigsbee’s personal narrative of the de- struction of the ‘‘ Maine.” scribe the most dramatic incident of the war, own feat of sinking the ‘‘ Merrimac” in the harbor Lieut. Hobson’s story will be printed in three numbers of THE CENTURY, beginning with December, the great Christmas issue. full and authoritative account of Lieut. Hobson’s ex- periences,_—the only once he will write on the subject. Lieut. Hobson will de- his It will be a

THE DESTRUCTION

Twain. A SLIGHT OBSTACLE. ‘*So you can’t with me on the yelled one young Detroit busf- ness man to another over the telephone. ‘¢Don’t see how I possibly can, old man. But, say! leave it open for a couple of days. Between you and me —I have an appointment to be married on that date, but she may be willing to make a change, so that I can get away with you.” _ Detroit Free Press. A TELLING TRANSPOSITION. AMATEUR POET.— How ’s this line of my ‘*Ode to my Sweetheart ” — ‘* Thy bright eyes outrival twin diamonds?” His SISTER. Make it, ‘* Thy rivals shall eye thy twin diamonds” and she ’s yours forever. —Jewelers’ Weekly. Dr. Siegert's Angostura Bitters, the great South American Tonic, imparts a delicious flavor; cures Dyspepsia, Diarrhcea, Fever and Ague. go hunting | twentieth?” | | tate ee ae ee AT THE THE Lrton. "THE November CENTUwRY not only begins the Spanish War Series, but contains first chapters in a new life of Alexander the Great, superbly illustrated ; a new novel by Marion Crawford, an historical romance of the Second Crusade; and the first part of Paul Leicester Ford's papers on Frank- lin; also the first part of a story by Frank R. Stockton, and a complete story by Mark Do not miss the November CENTURY. Price 35 cents. It is necessary that subscriptions JUNGLE CARD PARTY. You don't mind my roar- ing once in a while? THE LamMB.— Oh, no! | Co”ymIGHT, 1808, BY KEPPLER @ SCHWARZMANN I ‘ve known you to roar when you had nothing but a bob-tail flush !

SPECIAL NOTICE | The Advertising Forms of CHRISTMAS PUCK The Finest Holiday Publication of the Year Will be closed on Saturday, November 19th, 189s Intending advertisers will oblige us by handing in their orders and copy at as early a day as possible. Address, Advertising Department, PUCK, New York There is no Kodak but the Eastman Kodak. Holidays «« ‘Kodak Days Catalogues free at the dealers or by mail. s - HE DESTRUCTION OF ADMIRAL CERVERA’S FLEET, in THE CENTURY’S Spanish War Series, is to be described by the men in command. Sampson will tell of the operations of the fleet, Rear- Admiral Schley of the Flying Squadron, Commo- dore Philip of the work of the 7Zexas, Captain Evans of the Jowa, Captain Taylor of the /ndiana, Lieut.- Com. Wainwright of the Gloucester, and other prominent naval men will contribute. York Tribune says: ‘‘ The latest enterprise of THE CENTURY throws into the shade nearly everything that has been done in the past.” EASTMAN KODAK CO. Rochester, N. Y.

Rear-Admiral

The New

YOU CAN READ IT ONLY IN THE CENTURY MAGAZINE

should be sent in early if subscribers wish to receive a copy of the first edition of the November CENTURY containing the richly decorated cover, by Grasset, the famous French poster-maker the magazine will have only a plain cover. All dealers take subscriptions ($4.00 — begin with November), or remittance may be made to the publishers, THE CENTURY CO., Union Square, New York. |

The second edition of SUPERSTITION AND SCIENCE. Mrs. SPEcS.— Land sakes, sir! you have n’t bought that My! My! there ’s a curse on house, have you? Why, sir, that lives there dies. STRANGER that; I ‘m a plumber.— New York Weekly. house. Everybody who

I ‘ll soon fix SAVING TRIFLES. ‘“‘T never saw a man ca economy to such an extrem: said a Dreyfus partisan. ‘‘ He | positively parsimonious.” ‘¢You mean that membt | of the French army?” ‘* Yes; — he is continually talking about saving his hon- or.”— Washington Star. YEAST.— You had dinner at the beach, | suppose ? CRIMSONBEAK. — Oh, yes; we had lobster. ‘‘ Any trimmings?” ' ‘« Certainly ! — scallops.” — Yonkers Statesman.

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IDI IIE IID EID Duzsy. — Jabbins, do you remember that joke I sprung at the club dinner last week ? Doosy.—Yes; and I ‘il never forget it. 1 've remembered it for over ten years. — Roxbury Gazette. A WEsT Union wo- man called in the doc- tor to see her husband, not because he seemed sick, but because he did n't want to go to the circus.— West Un- ion Gazette.

39 Broadway, New York, N. Y. sec he rc ta enn da anne SES SS SESESES SE SEES ES ESET SS 8 |

What "are GlUD Cocktails? == “A MODERN ECSTASY” i a Shakespearian definition ‘ora * Cock ”? ” —— it makes gods, and meaner creat- ee good livers are found, wherever conviviality exists, even to the most remote corners of the earth, the “CLUB COCKTAIL” reigns supreme as a fashionable drink. The “CLUB COCKTAILS” never vary; they are always the same. The secret of their perfect blend is that they are kept six months before being ' drawn off and bottled. “ Cocktails” that are served over | the bar F- - contain these indis- pensable qa Seven oe alll Manhattan, Mar- tini, Veet ~wae Gin, York, Tom Gin, Whisk For sale by ““y ined class dealers. . F. HEUBLEIN & BRO., Sole Proprietors. Hartford, Conn. London.

] TE tL ® BENEDICT’S TIME. Trade-Mark.) GADDING don't you make Why your wife do the market- EAD view Is a delicious wine. a all WILLIAMS? SHAVING SOAPS

Tuis is the

DISCRIMINATING ‘*Do vou mean to isser V 1 never Saw t horse race quires the sportsn * Well wered Mr. ( ossel I reckon Oss W hone en but | uller wi ve n pic ons 1 JOCKE UW Ain etor A BAD MOVE ‘*Don't you speak to Miss Sharply any more, Miss Elderly? **Indeed I do m —and what 's more, I never wiili ag I had the impudence t

send me thirty-six roses on my thirty fifth birthda Detroit Free Pri YEAST You di I get a gre eal of color a c ashore CRIMSONBEAK Well, I 1 but wie I iw ‘ ne lb toma Da Yonkers State man THE most unsocia ble thin in world are milestones you never see two of them together.—Bica cling Wor season when a man pu nal oil stove to warm his bedroom, and 1 h- the windows to let the odor out {¢chison Globe who reaches the ladder ’’ of uses Williams’ Shaving Soap. The great, thick lather is like rich- est cream in its softening, refreshing effect. It makes a lathery other soaps render a dreaded, painful drudgery. Soap , ae but sent t ‘ lealer does teupply y Williams’ Shaving | Stick 25 cents. Genuine Yankee Shaving Soap. 10 cents. Luxury Shaving Tablet.. 25 cents. Swiss Violet Shaving Cream Williams’ Shaving Soap | (Barber's 8 1 »ndon, 64 Great R The Shaver ‘top round of the comfort, ease, and safety

soothing, luxury of what Joes your barber use Williams’ ? VOU : SOLD EVERYWHERE, 50 cents. » © Round Cakes Exquisite also for toile Trial « THE J. B. WILLIAMS Co., GLASTONBURY, CONN. sell St., W. C ake fur 2c, stamy iney, Australia, 161 Clarence St

HENRY LINDENMEYR & SONS, _ PAP ER _WA AREHOU Se, ‘New Branc ag hth sh p Maw Ve weoekmMan Stree Al hinds of Faper made order HERES A NOVELTY! OLD MAMMOTH GAVE | ; . BOURBON. ' Bottled in Bond.

Guaranteed by U. ‘Got Ceniificate ) ON EACH BOTT HISTORY:—This Whisky was mado in 1883 and 1883, exported in bond to Europe, and after twelve years returned to Louisville Customs Warehouse, where it was found pn essary to repack it in glass, owing to the ancient end uneaf the barrels and which was done by special per ed States Treasury and ander Governm delivered expressage p pee = per of 12 bottles, or $5 per san ‘ ages, without any marks AUG, COLDEWE Establish 1848

. * °° Seeeeee cesses es COS s CSS TESS CES

h- £2.10, or $3.5 CANDY ceraaeree r presente —e. t Cc. F. GUNTHER, Contention. 212 State St., Chicago.

cl GOUT | & | coon. ee = Great English Remedy BLAIR’S PILLS Ca Safe, Sure, Effective. 50c. & $1 DRUGGISTS, or 224 William St, N. Y. »

:

: ;

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Chree of a Kind beat two pairs, but one pair of Sidwell Braces beats two pairs of any other make. It’s in the “graduated” cord ends— Elastic in places for comfort ; Non-elastic in b praaes be for durability. Ask your furmsher for the ‘ Endwell,” or send 50 cents for a sample pair. Cheaper model, the *C..S.-C.” for 25 cents. Scarf fastener free, to buyers, for your furmsher’s name if he does not keep “* Endwell Braces.” CHESTER SUSPENDER CO. No. 4 Decatur Ave., Roxbury Crossing, Mass.

Beeman’s — The Original Pepsin cum Cures Indigestion and Sea-sickness. All Others Are Imitations.

Not a Medicine But — Simply Malt and Hops (Nature) Cc. H. EVANS & SONS

Brewers, Maltsters & Bottlers,

i A din te te i ti i ii i 2254454554444 +44+6+5 5446 6-6666666666666665646

POPP OOOOOOoe4 |

and Liquor Habit cured in 10 to 20 days. No pay till cured. Dr. J. L. Stephens, Dept. L, Lebanon, Ohio.

Cniciee Fall and Winter Underwear. Cartwright & Warner's Celebrated Underwear, in Wool, Merino, Camel's Hair, Silk and Wool and All Wool, for Men, Women and Children, in all Weights and Sizes. Cardigan and Golf Jackets. Golf Hose. Ao inh at. NEW YORK.

AN EXPLANATION. ‘I wonder why it is that so many men of talents become sour and distrust- ful of their fellow creatures?” mused the young woman, *<] suppose,” ‘it’s because they are constantly sub- jected to such emotional extremes. They can never tell whether a caller is an autograph collector or a bill col- lector.” — Washington Star.

BARKEEPL2 SF RIEND METAL POLISH — Sure, Quick, Easy. Gives 4 brilliant, durable lustre; never spoils; guaranteed pound box 2éc. at dealers. G. W. Hoff Mofr., I polis, Ind.

| replied Miss Cayenne, | | Hudson, N. ¥ MANY a man is the victim of circumstances simply because he is too lazy to avoid being | victimized.— Washington Democrat.

FuN is more valuable than money, providing | it is the genuine article. But look out for counterfeits.—Atchison Globe

Bore ng + Ns GOPvYe.GHT, 1806, BY KEPPLER & SCHWARLMANR CONTRACT FIRST IMMIGRANT COMMISSIONER.— This man admits that he came to this country under a labor contract ! SECOND IMMIGRANT COMMISSIONER.— He does, eh? FIRST IMMIGRANT COMMISSIONER.— Yes !— he says that Pat Cassidy's widow, who lives in Chicago and has ten children, has promised to marry him as soon as he gets there! Van Bibber Little Cigars -— on the ferry — on the train, and everywhere | and always — where a short smoke is desired. They are economical — as there is no waste. They are wholesome — as there is no moisture. They are satisfactory — as they are made‘of the very best imported whole leaf tobacco sind | never vary in quality. They are 4ttle cigars for little ‘aethaill

At all dealers 10 for 25c., or send 26c. (stamps) and a special pocket pouch containing 10 will be sent by return mail anywhere. H. Exus & Co., Baltimore, Me. The American Tobacco Co. sg Successor |

LABOR.

wid vi Nati a d wa ‘ fo Bres GIN

Tested and Tried For 25 Years Would you feel perfectly safe to put all your money in a new bank? One you have just heard of? But how about an old bank? One that has done business for over a quarter of a century? One that has always kept its promises? One that never failed ; never misled you in any way? You could trust such a bank, couldn't you? SCOTT’S EMULSION of COD-LIVER OIL WITH HYPOPHOSPHITES is just like such a bank. It has never disappointed you, never will. It has never deceived you, never will. Look out that someone does not try to make you invest your health in a new tonic, some new medicine you know nothing of. soc. and $1.00; all druggists. SCOTT & BOWNE, Chemists, New York. | Faaaanaaaanaaaaaa WE all talk too much to talk well.— Atchison Globe. IF a preacher gets rusty, he will be _ Pipe fort the Wat ater of Life.—d Life. ~& am's Horn.

a poor

“AN IN TRUDER’ will think a

SMITH & WESSON Revolver in the house. All calibers; long or short barrel. Write for descriptive catalogue. SMITH & WESSON, 8 Stockbridge St., Springfield, Mass.

Fastest Trains World — On the New York Central.

ha a alt tiene

Page 15

bison poor ) 99 . ca (WF YOU REA POSTAGE PAID. SHE. — I he eard that you said to your friend that I was no Spring chicken. Hr.— Neither you you ’re Easy Walking, Increased Height, Arched Instep, Ease and Comfort, By wearing oe . be larger shoes UBERTS. HEEL in.. 35e.; 1 In., 50e 10 days’ trial Gilbert Mfg. Co., 56 rA TRIAL WILLGONVINCE THay GOLDEN SCEPTRE a IS PERFECTION ox Ie ORAM eR CES | |b 130,440: Sor 7hY wine GUE FREE SURBRUEISTE | E NY: Gi are, my dear; — a duck.— Yonkers Statesman. i Cushions, Weight 1 oz. Do not require % Ladies’ or men 8 R AD Send size o — hoe, height de sired, = A stamp for pair © nm St., Rochester, N Natural ‘Gold ~~~ Seal @hampagne THE FINEST PRODUCED IN AMERICA Also Sweet, Dry Catawba and Port Wines Urbana Wine Co. Urbana, 1. Y. | Dealers and Grocers Blakemore Whiskey si: NOTHING BETTER MADE OR SOLD. Matured in wood and bottled in bond under Governmental Supervision If your dealer hasn't it send us TWELVE DOLLARS and we will have sent to your — address by express prepaid a sample case : containing TWELVE BOTTLES. ? Fd ? Freipers & Workum Cincinnati, Ohio _BOKER’S BITTERS An aperenn, promotes digestion, cures dyspepsia, and delicious in drinks. entitled: Of All Newsdealers. Price 10 Cents. Address : PUCK’S LIBRARY, No. ‘On and Off.”’ 137, Or by mail from the Publishers on receipt of price PUCK, New York. Y Bouquet commend it as the Its Purity, Sus and Ideal Whiskey. FERDINAND WESTHEIMER & SONS, DISTILLERY : CINCINNATI, O. Daviess Co., Ky ST. Joserx, Mo, No ALTERNATIVE. ‘Don't leave the table, said the land- ladv, as her new boarder rose from his scanty breakfast ‘I must, Madam! It 's hardwood, and my teeth are not what they used to be Detroit Free Press SHORT Sur.—Bees will not hurt vou if they know you He. Well, I 'm sorry | was not intro- duced to one I met last Summer then; Paper, 50c. that all I ‘ve got to Cloth, $1.00 say Yonkers States- nian Bunner’s Short Stories | ®." “Well was the OVERCROWDED. Aguinaldo’s confiden tial friend; ‘there some getting irri answer, ‘‘what car SIXES a great general a great diplomat anc a board of strategy al ‘* Look here!" said complaint that 1 you expect in a man who has undertaken to RUNAWAY BROWNS he MADE IN FRANCE MORE SHORT SIXES SUBURBAN SAGE a great political leader, | | l Sparkling | | at once ? VW ashing- | ton Star Address MEN, like bullets PUCK, N. Y. need to be aimed right to hit the mark. OR 0 le 20 e688 ce 6 8 8 es THE =[ Gay 6 a ure | Ram's Horn WHITE PLAINS, iY. Alcohol, vier wists panes \ Opium, oubie Tobacco Using # yields easily to the Double Chloride of Gola Treatment as administered at the KEELEY INSTITUTE, White Plains, N. Y., « Niagara Si tial. Write for particulars 6 em rm se 86 te ° ' r 358 St., Buffalo, N. Y. Communications -confiden } 7: | j | | WALKING on the stilts of pride, soon leads to a fall from grace. Ram's Horn. A DELIGHTFUL Py ANTISEPTIC” | f=) MOUTH-WASH InSUPES. FOR SALE EVERY WH OR CORRESPOND TRAIT. clines an invitation to dinner. A LEONINE I don't think that Mr. Eatington ever cd “Oh, no! He’s a sort of social lion seeking what he may devour lon 4 46 i 2S iartatley et SAVED A CooL THOUSAND. WIFE (proudly ). —1 saved you $1,000 to day. HUSBAND.— Saved $1,000? We have n’t that much to save We have n't $100 we can call our own. Hang me, if we have over $10, come to thin} WIFE.— But you have always said that if you ever had money enough would build a house. HUSBAND. Of course. WIFE.— Well, for $5 I bought a book showing how to build $10,000 house for $0. 0¢ 0. New York We kly.

Page 16

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Mr. NEWLIWED (rushing into the does all this mean, Birdie? hitchen}.— Oh! here you are! I have been hunting all over the house for you. What

ceed rs the cook left to-day, and your

Mrs. NEWLIWED. — Why, little wifey is going to get your dinner, herself. You help me! Why, certainly you can! Oh! we will have such a fine time!

Mr. NEWLIWED.— What shall I do—start up the fire? All right! Say, this is a perfect picnic! I am glad the girl. left. We'll have a great time. Mrs. NEWLIWED (reading).— ‘‘—and then add one quart of molasses —

(Still reading) ‘‘— and ‘to this add

and get me a can. baking-powder —" O George! I have n't a particle of bak- ing-powder in the house. Please run down to the grocery

Mr. NEWLIWED.— Certainly, my dear! Oh, say! this is great sport !

ae ee Bs, ga Pe fas he hastily puts on his hat). —11??*** 7

COPYRIGHT 1696 B) KEPPLER & SCHHARIMANN MR. NEWLIWED’S

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Mr. NEWLIWED (after an hour's work in the bath-room ).— It was a little careless on your part, I know, but don’t cry; you are not used to cooking, you know. I can go to the barber's, and he can cut my hair off and fix that all right. The clothing I can give to some needy person who works in a glue factory ; but the next time the cook leaves, wait until I get home, and we will have dinner at a restaurant. FIRST AND LAST CULINARY EXPERIENCE.