Puck 1898-01-05: Vol 42 Iss 1087

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ys Idiness, SS, ES. edicine. and all health. ‘stem.

VOL. XLII. No. 108. PUCK BUILDING, New York, January sth, 1898. PRICE TEN CENTS.

_ Copyright, 1897, by Keppler & Schwarzmann. @ OD pibae tf te 4- t=) ff ‘ ~~ A é ™ é } eC me Pe cs. De : at " — - + =~ = z a F > j = z ‘ \ cf ; aS , Omertals 4 , a = — e Entered at N. Y. P. O. as Second-class Mali Matter.

COPYRIGHT 1897 8Y KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN OUR NATIONAL DIME MUSEUM.

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Wid, INGA Al 1)» CUPYRIGHT 1697, BY KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN MORE SAVING. Mr. HARL M. FLATTE.—And this is my music room! VISITOR (in amazement), — Music room! Why —er—is n't it— er—rather peculiar ? Mr. HARL M. FLATTE.— Yes; slightly. door, it is hermetically sealed. When the amateur musicians in the neigh- boring flats commence hammering on their pianos and blowing on their cornets, I retire in here, shut the door, and am safe. You see, when I ciose the THE NEWEST JOURNALISM. H!” SAID the great editor, rubbing his palms, ‘¢things are at last almost as they should be, and I hope before many weeks have passed to have my staff of experts perfected. I now have political events reported by politicians, prize- fights by sluggers, society events by social leaders and murder trials by murderers. These last events I have illustrated by artists who received their art education in Sing Sing. But I must now bestir myself to have a negro who has been lynched rescued in the nick of time and resus- citated, and I ll give him a job of reporting all lynching ‘bees for my paper. Then, what a circulation we will have! I’Il be able to give dust to all the old-fogy publications that employ mere writers.” Still chuckling to himself he rang a bell, and when the chief of the assassination department entered he ordered him to secure the services of a lynched negro at once, even if he had to lynch him himself. ‘© You know,” he said sternly, ‘‘that the motto of our paper is ‘ while others report crimes, we commit them !’” A NO RECENT EXPERIENCE. FRIEND.—You people must be glad to get in office again. TAMMANY BRAVE.—That’s right. We ’ve been out so long that some of us have almost forgotten how to draw a salary. UNABATED ENTHUSIASM. «¢ And you advocate bicycle riding as strongly as ever?” asked his friend. «Of course,” replied the man who was slowly recovering from the accident; ‘‘my doctor says that if it had n’t been for the iron constitution I’ve built up by constantly riding my wheel, this would have killed me. As it is,” he went on, triumphantly, ‘‘I expect to be on my feet in about three weeks.” HIS LIMITATIONS. WILSON.— Don’t you know that ‘‘to the pure all & things are pure?” ” WRIGHT.—Oh! yes; but I’m afraid that I’m not yet pure enough to have Anthony Comstock impress me in exactly that way. WPvAIsHT, 1897, BY KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN NECESSARY TO CONVINCE. SHE (indignantly).— Did you strike that poor little fellow? THE VICTOR.—Yes'm. I ¢o/e him he was n't in my class; but dat ’s de only t'ing dat 'd make him believe it.

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s a PUCK. ? Poe ‘Ht w ae COPYRIGHT, 1697, BY KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN HOLDING HER POINT. OLD KEwpons.— But you know, daughter, I don't believe in early marriages. Miss KEwpons.—Well, I think high noon is the correct time ! fx A SUCCESSFUL AMBUSCADE. BEFORE THE ELOPEMENT. ; NE DAY the buffeting Autumn weather HE.—I think it would be a good move to take your father’s wheel. Unbound a lock of my lady's hair ; SHE.— Oh! George, if we do that, he will zever forgive us! It swept my cheek as we strolled together, Silken and fragrant and golden fair. Thought I, Dan Cupid is hiding there Amidst those coils, and I 'd best have care “ : 4 | Lest I be bound in a shining tether. : S . Nt’ 4 ae EE itt. In passing under the glowing bower The hemlocks fashioned, her winsome eyes Met mine. I halted to pluck a flower, Hushing the whisper that fain would rise. I mused, instead; so it 's there he lies; I'll look away, for they say one tries In vain to struggle against his power. The day was finished; the sun had ridden Beyond the West, and the moment this When farewell messages must be bidden ; Suddenly stooping, I stole a kiss. Contrite — unpardoned, and yet in bliss, saitie a Te Aw \ = : Woe \\ I knew how sorry it were to miss és WEE, = MS 7 The spot where really the rogue had hidden. seein — : \ a), y be: Layton Brewer. AN EXPLANATION. FIRST DETECTIVE.—There really is n’t any evidence against him. SECOND DETECTIVE.—Why did you arrest him? FIRST DETECTIVE. — Well — er — there is n’t any evidence against anybody else. HIS SAD EXPE RIE NCE. 2rYRIGHT, 1697, BY KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN ‘I had the worst kind of luck in the Klondike,” said the returned BADLY PUT. gold seeker. SAM PINKNEY.—Will yo’ allow me ter put youah skates on, Miss ‘¢ Did n’t you find any gold?” asked his friend. Mokeby ? “Oh! yes, I found gold. But every time I had three of a kind I was Miss MoKEBY (angrily).—D’ yo’ mean ter 'sinuate dat yo’ could dead sure to run up against a full house.” get mah skates on dem feet ob yourn?

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PUCK. A ZS A A ZB A A AA A Z Z ip ‘G n/ ? i =, wl C2 = \ San aa ® . By WILLISTON FIsH. Copyright, 1897, by Keppler & Schwarzmann.—All rights reserved. V.— INSIDIOUS PUNCH. po? TRUMBULL in Connecticut is not formidable. An enemy sailing up the Thames would only laugh at the Fort as a gimcrack; and it is probable that the works were designed to put the foe in good nature. It was at this pacificatory fort that McVay first joined the army after he left West Point — and after his grievous disappointment in his West Point love affair. The complement of officers at the little post consisted of Col. Masters, who exercised his ingenuity in finding subjects for commands; Dr. Oker, who, though unknown in medical literature, believed that he could, by virtue of his importance, write several important works; two old captains, Staggett and Little, and some lieutenants, among them Mr. Parks, who had just transferred from the frontier for the fell pur- pose of entering society; and Mr. Almeron Dollett, McVay’s classmate, who had once been elected class poet when the harmony of a convention had bloomed into merriment. By nature Dollett was, except for caution, a character- less young man who founded himself on other people. It is strange that he should become the hero of this tale of dissipation and legal cunning; but in the heyday of youth, by the very nature of life, every man strives to attain a noticeable per- sonality; and Dollett, carefully adopting such roles as seemed most likely to challenge re- gard, entered into them with enthusiasm, as if constrained by the force of originality. When he first joined at Trumbull it hap- pened that his bachelor brothers were be- stowing their attentions upon the young women at the Fort, so Dollett— and this is part of the story — bestowed his attentions upon Dr. Oker’s daughter with the seeming Harriet Oker was rather old, and, being sallow, was of no common ardor. sometimes called Yellow Ochre. She welcomed Dollett as Crusoe would have welcomed a sail in the offing. But presently the bachelor officers were at- tracted. by the young women in New London; so Dollett was attracted by the young women of New London. Of course this fickleness was not the fault of Dollett, though Yellow Ochre, in the language of boys, ‘‘ blamed iton” him; it was caused by McVay, who, being a leader, was followed even in caprices, and McVay was fickle because he had lost the purpose of his life, and was now like a ship cruising to many ports but having no haven. There still lingered in New London the custom of New Year’s calls. On the day before January first the young officers were playing billiards. Mills said to McVay: ‘I believe I ’ll make a few calls to-morrow; want to go?” “Yes; if I get time,” replied McVay. Parks, the Westerner, took a short pipe from his mouth, and said: ‘¢I ’m in that.” “© You bet!” said Dollett. ‘* When shall we go?” asked Mills of McVay, paying no attention to the others who did not signify. ** About eight in the evening, would n’t you?” said Parks. ‘¢One o’clock,” replied McVay to Mills. ‘‘ Well, all right,” remarked Mr. Parks, briskly. fellows wear?” ‘¢ What will you wear?” asked McVay, turning upon Mr. Parks. ‘¢] don’t care what I wear,” replied Parks, surlily. ‘*'We will come back,” said Dollett, ‘fuller than goats.” ** Dollett,” commented McVay, ‘can’t let liquor alone.” *¢] don’t know that I ever tried very hard,” retorted Dollett, who had taken no less than two drinks in his life. “Say,” said Mills to McVay, ‘the Leavitts are back from Europe, and they will open their house to-morrow.” Parks took his short pipe from his mouth. on the hill? Charming place!” ‘«T wonder,” said McVay, ‘‘if Leavitt will make some of that insidious punch?” ‘¢ What will you ‘‘Is that the big house ‘‘Oh!” said Parks, remarking a tone of incredulity; ‘‘ they make such punch as that. You ’d think ’t was water, but it ‘ll lay you out all right.” «¢] ’ll sample it all the same,” quoth Dollett. The four officers set out the next day in the post ambulance. was in good spirits, McVay in better: Parks, in some trepi- dation because this was his début in society, was never- theless encouraged by his theory that simplicity is the finest elegance: he smoked his short pipe. Dollett was full of counterfeited glee. ‘‘I want to see Leav- itt’s punch do you fellows up,” he said. But a dozen houses in town were open. The party drove about so as to end at Leavitt’s. After leaving each house Dollett expressed disappointment at the absence of wines and punches. ‘‘ This choco- late business has about played out. Leavitt is the man that will redeem the town.” Where they called along the quiet streets, McVay made the young women laugh while looking out for himself particu- larly well at the tables; Dollett occasionally confided to McVay that he considered eating thirsty work; Parks made away with the viands stolidly, said, ‘‘ How- dedo?” when he went in, and, with resolute convic- tion, ‘‘Yes, I guess we must go,” when he went out. There was much talk by town youth about Leavitt. «I hope he ’Il have a bowl of that punch,” said one. ‘‘If he does,” said Dollett, ‘he better hide it when I come.” ‘I ’ll take a pull at that same punch,” quoth Parks. ‘You know Charley Bush,” said a blonde young man; ‘he’s tough; well, he took about ‘Aa¢ much of Leavitt’s punch two years ago, and we had to get him away and hide him at the Crocker House for about three days.” ‘* What I like,” said Mr. Parks, ‘‘is a good whiskey toddy; and I ’ve seen the time after a day’s march that I was mighty glad to get it.” When the party started on the drive to Leavitt’s, Dollett’s spirits ran high, and he proposed that they finish the day by a horseback ride. Only Parks assented to this. He began to tell of riding on the Plains. Half-a-dozen young ladies assisted Mrs. Leavitt. Some of these, with the design of lightening the gloom that hung about Parks, led the way to the dining-room. Dol- lett, with a bacchanalian glance backward, followed. All went in. The Purch Bowl had a table of honor by itself. The town young men eyed the Bowl knowingly. Parks boldly ladled out a gill, and drank. ~ ‘‘Well,” said Dollett, ‘“‘they pay some attention here to a thirsty man.” He equalled Parks’s draught. When the blonde young man came up in some fear, he coped with him; and when an old-young man with Mills a mask of nonchalance on his face, took a glass, Dollett was with him. ‘Don’t you feel it kind o’ stealin’ over you?” asked the blonde young man. but he took a drink with Mills. ‘¢ Have a glass of my punch, Doctor,” said Leavitt to Oker. loved a rich man; he drank, and smacked his lips. Dusk was settling over land and sea when, at the Fort, Miss Oker stood by a carriage in front of Oker’s quarters, bidding adieu to friends. She was talking to two young ladies in the rear seat of the carriage, and Dollett felt it, Oker (Continued on 14th page, this number.)

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PUCK. ‘! rm 3 r \ . } ro ae: Sha 2 oy 4 THE OLD GAME VARIED. eS Refer ee Pas , : . . s43 ; Z c Fi %. \4 mee, BHAT IS the complaint against the prisoner?” asked the ~ yrug: 3 oo: . Ya a Klondike judge. \ sy yy at, 5 “ie ee: ats ‘*Your Honor,” replied a man with a melancholy, — , j hopeless expression on his face, ‘‘he sold me this gold brick.” ‘¢ Well, what was wrong about that?” ‘¢ Why, Your Honor, he cheated me!” ‘¢He did? How did you find out that the brick was not pure gold?” ‘¢ That ’s just the trouble, Your Honor; it is pure gold.” ‘¢ Then, what are you kicking about?” ‘¢Why, good heavens! Your Honor, the scoundrel represented it to me as a chunk of brown bread!” ADMITTING THE RESEMBLANCE. MAuD.—lI have heard people say she sings like a bird. MADGE.— She does sing incessantly. A DEFINITION. THE GOVERNESS. —What do you understand by ‘¢xo- blesse oblige?” LITTLE Miss Up-TO-DATE.—That most of the European nobles are obliged to marry for money. \\ iN \ itl ( . COPYRIGHT, 1897 BY KEPPLEK & SCHWARZMANN \ Witiaeeo HE LIVED AND LEARNED. : FIRST WESTERNER.— Jest look at it, will yer? Ain't you glad you took this trip East ? SECOND WESTERNER.— Ain't I, though? I s'posed, as fur as horseback ridin’ was concerned, I knew it all, but i'll be lynched if that ain't suthin’ new? THE REMAINING MYSTERY. ‘Do you understand golf?” ‘* Yes; — everything, except why anybody plays it.” COPYRIGHT 1697, BY KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN AN_ INSINUATION. ARTIST.—A lady just called who said she represented a society for the improvement of the condition of the poor — FRIEND.— Did you tell her you were poor but proud? THERE WERE OTHERS. MAMIE (singing ).— ‘‘ My mother was a lady —” AGGIE (interrupting ).— Aw, shut up! —so wuz me fadder. MAMIE.— Wotcher givin’ me? AGGIE.— Dat ’s dead right; —he wuz de bearded lady in a dime musee fer t’ree years. AN ODD CASE. CUPYRIGHT, 1697, BY KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANK BICYCLE DEALER.— I ran across a peculiar bicycle crank to-day. THE CRUEL FAIR. His PARTNER.— Who was he? HE.— My heart is on fire mit lofe for you! BICYCLE DEALER.—A man came in who said he wanted to buy a low SHE (coldly).— Vell, as dere is no inzurance, you hat petter put grade wheel. dot fire oudt.

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a SS suai DO NOT THROW AWAY THE OLD BICYCLE. QOPVR.GHT, 1667 BY SEPFLER & SCHWARZMANN THE CHAIN—Can be used on that THE HANDLE BARS — Will make little ferocious dog you own. Willy a nice swing. IN RESPONSE TO A BROOKLYN ‘“ PERSONAL.” AVE THERE been any applications, at the stage door, in response to my advertisement in this Z. morning’s paper, for a good-natured baby to be used in our new play, ‘ He Never Dares to Wander From His Own Fireside?’” the Brooklyn theatrical manager carelessly inquired of his stage manager, as that individual came into the box-office to get the rubber- plant, as a finishing touch to the setting of a Brooklyn domestic scene of the matinée then in progress. «¢Any applications?” groaned the stage manager, mopping his brow; ‘there are at least one hundred and fifty proud Brooklyn fathers clamoring for admission with their babies, at the stage door! Half-a-dozen have been camping out in the area, ever since early this morning, rattling their rattles, crooning lullabies to their infants, to the annoyance of the neighbors who wished to sleep, and feeding them crackers and things until the street looks as though it had been struck by a basket-picnic. Two over-zealous fathers got into an altercation in behalf of the merits of their respective offspring, a while ago, and slapped each others faces; and there have been two or three hair-pulling fracases among those fathers who are not entirely bald-headed. There is a gentleman present whom I heard another father enviously refer to as Mr. Many- blessed, of St. Mark’s Avenue, who has two babies in his arms, and whose son is carrying a third! ‘¢One father— a frail, pale little man —was eagerly wedged in the doorway before the first edition of the paper containing your ad. could have been in circulation more than an hour. I imagine he must have been walking the floor by the gaslight, with his infant, when the paper was delivered; and his father-heart, beating tumultuously at the thought of his baby securing the position, he hastened here, only draw- ing on his shoes and trousers, and throwing his shawl over his shoulders,— for his pajamas are visible beneath it. The little mite of humanity is mos- quito-bitten, peaked and fret- ful; with no ghost of a show, even in competition with the baby of the besotted, groggy old gentleman next in line. But its father, blind to its deficiencies, in the greatness of his father-love, hugs it close to his thin breast, timid for himself, but full of con- scious assurance for his off- spring. «¢ There are gentlemen with condensed-milk and patent-food raised babies, who talk very loud — sort of ‘new,’ or ‘strong- minded’ gentlemen; there are colored gentlemen, with colored babies; and there is one com- placent Brooklyn Chinaman, with a Chinese baby: Eager fathers are scorching from all directions, with babies in baby carriages! Each trolley car brings a dozen radiant and hopeful fathers, who have taken more time and care in dressing their babies; and fathers who eu live at Flatbush and Benson- thi, steal hurst, who look worn out and a a a draggled, as though they had A GREAT BUSINESS CORDIAL. been very ungallantly forced to stand up in the trolley cars all the way! There is nothing REUBEN RAILFENCE.—I see in the paper that the bank clearin’s in New York went up to purty nigh two hundred million dollars one day in October. in sight but babies, BABIES, HENRY HOECORN.— Do tell! Must have been the time of our BABIES! county fair. That made things hum, I tell ye! Con. Converse. ~ ite ee ed THE TIRES — Can be connected and save you buying a new garden-hose next Spring. ! THE WHEELS— Will make splendid sieves to sift the ashes from your furnace. lneeeendemeetions eames THE SADDLE — Will save the wearing- out of many hair-brushes and slippers. THE SPROCKETS — Will make fine quoits.

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PUCK. PUCK. PUBLISHED EVERY WEDNESDAY. The subscription price of Puck is $5.00 per year. $2.50 for six months. $1.25 for three months. Payable in advance. KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN, Publishers and Proprietors. Wednesday, January 5, 1898.— No. 1087. NOTICE TO PUBLISHERS. — The contents of Puck are protected by copyright in both the United States and Great Britain. Infringement of this copyright will be promptly and vigorously prosecuted. _ in the pension rolls was just as evident ten years ago as it is now. printed to-day by the same newspapers that have heretofore treated any reference to pension frauds as an attack upon the national honor. Fraud We are glad we denounced it ten years ago, and we are sorry the average news- paper found it expedient during those ten years to ignore it or cover it up. But we rejoice none the less that the press in general, regardless of party affiliations, is even at this late day aroused to the need of telling the truth about it. * * * In 1873 James A. Garfield in the House of Representatives met the criticism that the pension budget already exceeded probable legitimacy by insisting that the top-notch had been reached, and that the number of pen- sioners would inevitably grow less year by year, from that time foreward. There were 235,411 names on the roll at that time. How faintly Garfield sensed the situation is now seen. : Since that date 321,485 names have PUCK’S Illustrations can be found only in PUCK’S Publications. been stricken from the roll, chiefly by death, or 83,074 more than the number which he declared to be the maximum, yet the roll to-day con- - ; = = tains 976,014 names. Instead of decreasing year by year, as Garficld ve CARTOONS AND COMMENTS. and others saw that it naturally should do, the list twenty-four years later g. carries 737,603 more names. THE PENSION HE PUBLISHER of a newspaper finds his chief prob- Z + ‘ SCANDAL. lem to be the determination of what policy he shall ; ; ' adopt toward the questions of the day. On that policy If this comparison does not leave a bad enough taste in the mouth largely depends the success of his business. In plain English, he has to there are others even more potent. The applications for new pensions and , make up his mind whether he shall tell the truth about all things at all increases of old pensions now number about half a million, those for new times as clearly as he knows how, or whether he shall withhold, partially | Pensions being considerably over 200,000. These latter decided favorably, a] withhold, deny, distort, disguise or sugar-coat the truth. He adopts which- and it should be remembered that favorable decisions have been the rule, ever one he thinks will win him the greatest volume of patronage. He is not Would swell the total to 1,176,014; and of these pensioners and applicants necessarily unprincipled if he adopts the second policy, for the opinion is least one-half are alleged to be suffering from wounds or disability in- 7 sincerely held by many conscientious people that plain truth is too strong CUrred in a war that ended thirty-two years ago. a dose for the average citizen, and that it antagonizes many who might be P ° r won to it if it were tactfully flavored for delicate palates. Therefore, we Another valuable bit of statistics is this: There are 733,527 persons claim no superior morality when we say it has been PUCK’S constant policy drawing pensions as survivors of the civil war, which is 6,405 more than for the twenty years of his life to tell the plain truth as he saw it about the number of persons actually surviving at this date. But the reader every subject of which he treated. It may have been a matter of principle, as become used to large numbers, and the fact that the number of survi- too, but a matter of business policy it certainly was. We do not say that vors drawing pensions is 6,405 more than the actual number of survivors 7% 0 Yai gg that have rey some ceded gate age ag ao may not impress him. We add, therefore, that 187,500 more alleged rauds in our pension system have lacked principle. € only say that It survivors are now applicants for pensions. Their admission to the roll has been PUCK Ss policy to tell the truth about them, and that results have would give us 193,905 more survivors than have survived. confirmed us in the belief that this would have been the very best business me policy for all other papers and for the people. * * * > * We have space only for these few salient comparisons. We can not, We were not the first to discover, but we were one of the very first to as the New York Sw did in its issue of December 20th, devote nine of print the truth that our pension system had come to involve a gigantic our columns to a synopsis of the whole disgraceful story. To study this swindle, and that if a halt were not called it would rapidly attain a growth story as the newspapers are at last divulging it is to understand how politi- which the most ardent patriot would acknowledge in shame and dismay. cal demagogues, and plain tricksters in and out of Congress, have not The facts upon which we based this prediction were but little Jess offensive hesitated to prick the people in their tenderest spot for their own base gain ; - ten years ago than they are to-day. That the prediction was sound will and it is to understand how every pensioner will continue under grave sus- not be questioned by any one who reads the damning statistics being freely __picion until this manifest wrong has been made right. ’ th iS) _ te 1h aN 3 AN EXCUSABLE MISTAKE. he ae aes 7 o I DREAM?” asked President Sam, of Hayti, when he re- : ti i i 4 *J covered consciousness ; ‘‘or is it really true that we have ‘tse tine had a little row with Lord Salisbury?” Serck : De / ¢ ‘‘No, Your Excellency,” replied his secretary; Kio ‘¢it was Kaiser Wilhelm you ran up against.” —_———— ‘«¢Ah! I remember now. It must have been til the promptness with which he tackled a last-rate power fn that gave me the impression it was John Bull.” s NO DEFICIT. — FRIEND.—I see that the Dingley law is not producing sufficient . revenue. PROTECTED MANUFACTURER.— Oh, I don’t know! I can’t com- plain. NOT LIKE LAST YEAR. The poet shrieks with. wildest joy And blesses loud his fate; For there are lots of words that rhyme With eighteen-ninety-eight. OUR SYSTEM OF GOVERNMENT. FOREIGNER. —The President, of course; can veto a bill after it has QS qBVAN\ RT Be \\ passed ? CITIZEN.—Yes; and the Speaker of the House can veto a bill before it is considered. IN THE GALLERY. FIRST VISITOR (during debate in the House of Representatives ).— ‘ What do you think of the currency question? - - ya r M4 -. : ~ COPYRIGHT, 1897, BY KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN PP ge oi My sop si if I know any more about it than those AN INQUIRY. d First ACTOR.— No; my ambition is not yet realized, but — fine é THE FIRST question that arises in relation to President Sam of Hayti is SECOND ACTOR.— What are you after, old man? The rec- whether that is his last name. ord from Schenectady to Troy ?

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\ Wi COPYRIGHT, 1897, By KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN. PUCK’S GREETING 1TH ‘©Good luck to you! No puncture) break —

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TO HC GR GE we, er SS *S ae ott om S ian a —- ’ PM) I : ‘ig SSE, ¥ .

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OE) WAP 4 i \ ‘it ‘ (yn ix WW |e eR TOPE: Oe NORE Soe disputing about the question, which THE CAUSE OF THE TROUBLE. SHE.—I must confess that I told a fib. When she called, I sent word that I was not in — HrE.—I see; you were in and she found you out. FIXING THE RESPONSIBILITY. THE W1pow.— Mother, you have wrecked my hopes of happiness. Mr. Newman has broken off our engagement. HER MOTHER.—Well, I’m sure I never interfered between you. THE WipDow. — But some one must have told him what a life poor George led aie with you. WG FP ES TO UNCOVER. WN) yy _- * «¢ There ’s a bur- glar in the house !” she gasped. ‘s] have never yet uncovered my head for any man,” her husband re- joined, with an affec- tation of hauteur. EASY. TEACHER. —What do we breathe ? Tommy.—Air. TEACHER,— Correct! Of what is air composed? TOMMY.—Breath. A RECIPE. FIRST SCHOOL-BOY. — cite ts, FLow did you get that cold AN OLD SAYING ‘EXEMPLIFIED. = _ you up for three . aayvs! THE TENOR singing |. — I a-w-a-i-t my love ; SECOND SCHOOL-BOY.— I a-w-a-i-t — ia ig . VOICE FROM THE GALLERY. — Keep it up, Sittin = s draft. You try young feller! All t’ings comes to him as waits. it some time. HIS SOLUTION. Mrs. VANSOOK (at the children’s party ).—1 declare, little girls and boys of twelve stay up half the night, nowadays! Mr. NEWLYBLESSED (aédsent/y). —I1 suppose they acquire the habit while they are babies. THIS THING OF MARRYING. A TRAGEDY. Time — Now. Place — Everywhere. OmISSION. Dramatis Persone — 2 ~ : 7 COMMISSION. OMISSION. —I ’ve not done what I should have, And life has been so sad, Resulting from not doing, That now I wish I had. Cupid, forgive me! COMMISSION. —I ’ve done that which I should n’t, And life has been so sad, Resulting from that doing, I wish I never had. Cupid, forgive me! W. J. Lampton. EVENING. SHE.— Only look at that savage in the corner of the picture! If I wore no more clothes than she I would n’t come out till after night- fall, anyway. HE.—It is rather an evening dress, to be sure. IN THE BARNYARD. First HEN. — What are those young bantams fighting about? SECOND HEN. — Oh! they are is the mother of the chick — the hen that lays the egg or the incubator? COPYRIGHT, 1897 BY KEPLER & SCHWARZMAN A POINT OF RESEMBLANCE. SLIMLEIGH.—Thumper is one of the best middle-weights in the country. Did you see him box last night ? WHEELER.—Yes; do you know, in one respect, he reminds me of you? SLIMLEIGH.— How? WHEELER.— He has n't an ounce of superfluous flesh anywhere.

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Page 12

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Page 14

SHORT RATIONS. (Continued from 4th page.) was so engrossed in what they said as to be totally oblivious of everything in the world except the two young men in the front seat. There was a wild clatter of horse’s feet. She looked up in fright, and saw that the rider of the horse, that was almost upon her, was Dollett. He tried to pull up, he doffed his cap, and, with a foolish smile, rode on. Yellow Ochre had no feeling of mercy for recreant Dollett, and the ill-starred officer had not been ten minutes in his quarters when an orderly came. ‘‘Colonel’s compense, and he wants to see you.” As Dollett went for his cap at the end of the hall he tried to walk a crack; he was unable to tell in the darkness whether he succeeded. Then he thought it wiser to dismiss the matter from his mind, and he went out. When he came back he was in arrest to await trial by court-martial. In a bare room adjoining the billiard room where the foolish young man had played, there sat about a deal table the members of the court- martial, eight officers in full dress. At the top of the table sat Oker,

president. Among the officers at the sides were Little and grizzly Old Stag. At the foot was Mills, judge advocate. McVay, present in the room as a looker-on, looked at poor Dollett, and judged from his face that he found the position of accused one of considerable responsibility. He looked at the court, and thought he saw the promise of small compassion for Dollett.. He looked at Oker, and pondered upon him. Oker was a large but short man, a vain but ignorant man who wore side-whiskers of such volume that from the front his head resembled a cheap pyramid. Girt on was his sword of office, and his chapeau, sign of his position on ‘the staff,” was laid upon the table, where it took the place of books of learning. ‘¢ Whether or not,” mused McVay, ‘‘ Mr. Oker is a skillful healer, we can not know, for over the true merits of doctors the processes of evolution have thrown a beneficent shield of mystery.” «¢ Are we ready?” here inquired Oker, loftily. ‘¢ Yes,” said Mills. This put Oker at a loss, but he looked upon his chapeau, and said testily, ‘‘ Then, let us proceed.” , The charges were read to Dollett to the effect that on January Ist he was under the influence of intoxicating liquor. Then Mills said, ‘* You have heard the charge preferred against you, how do you plead?” ‘«¢ Guilty,” replied, Dollett; ‘‘ but with extenuating circumstances.” There now fell out a discussion in the court. Mills, who represented the government as prosecutor, announced that he would call no witnesses. The other officers were of the decided opinion that he should call wit- nesses. ‘You must have witnesses,” said grizzly Old Stag. ‘*Oh! cer- tainly,” said a fat captain with waxed moustache, who breathed so hard that all he said seemed weighty; ‘‘ you must have witnesses to prove that there were no extenuating circumstances.” ‘‘ Perhaps you imagine,” said Little, ‘‘ that some technical point is pertinent here, but it isn’t.” ‘Not at all,” observed Old Stag, here making a commentary on military law which would have done credit to the profoundest jurist: ‘‘a court-martial is not governed by rules — it is a court of equity.” ‘‘ Call witnesses, sir,” sternly said Oker. ‘‘ He don’t have to,” Little whispered. The Court deter- mined to call witnesses itself to prove that no reasonable excuse existed. It therefore called Mills and Parks, and showed by them conclusively that, as far as they knew, Dollett did not drink on account of ¢//ness, it even proved by Parks that Parks was not aware of any reason why Dollett did drink. The court then rested, and Dollett rose to make a statement. PUCK.

I took ‘1 confess that I was intoxicated. The day was New Year’s. five or six glasses of punch. It must have been very strong —” ‘¢ You knew it was strong when you drank it?” said Oker. ‘<I recognized that it was not an ordinary punch. It contained vari- ous liqueurs and cordials. ‘They must have been mixed in a way that | am not familiar with.” ‘¢ Ts that all you have to offer?” asked Little. ‘I believe it is.” «¢ What,” said Old Stag; ‘‘what, Mr. Dollett, is your defence?” A recess was taken till afternoon, and the Court rose. Dollett was full of ill-forebodings. At luncheon in the officers’ mess he had no appetite. He noticed that Mills regarded him with compassion, and that Parks looked upon him openly as a fallen man. McVay had no great regard for Dollett, but he had determined to help him. And McVay would have offered his aid even had he not found in his quarters, on returning from the Court, a certain surprising letter. The letter was from Lieutenant Ainé, who had wedded Miss Lancaster, Dollett’s cousin, and it asked on behalf of Mrs. Ainé that McVay should, if possible, assist Dollett at the trial. The reason of McVay’s surprise at this request from Mrs. Ainé, zée Lancaster, is too long to tell, unless it were said briefly to have been connected with McVay’s disappointment in love; but McVay was stimulated to show himself worthy of the commis- sion, and he went immediately to Dollett’s quarters. ‘¢T have a letter, Dollett, from Ainé. He says his wife, who is your cousin, I believe, wants me to help in your defence.” ‘All right,” said Dollett, hopelessly. ‘*Do you want to talk the case over with me?” ‘¢With you? Oh, no! You ask to have me appointed your counsel when the Court meets.” Then McVay went out, and had Mills dispatch a summons to a civilian witness in New London. When the Court reassembled, happy with repletion and with the pros- pect of the unpleasant duty they had to perform in finding Dollett guilty, they were astonished to see Mr. Leavitt in the room. Oker greeted him with effusion. ‘¢I wish to have Lieutenant McVay act as my counsel,” said Dollett. ‘¢Oh! I see no reason for that,” said Oker, parading his importance before Leavitt. ‘‘I think we can understand this case.” But it being shown to Oker that: Dollett could have counsel if he wanted to, whether Oker discerned the need of it or not, he yielded. ‘¢We call Mr. Leavitt,” said McVay, bashfully. Mr. Leavitt took the stand, and McVay, after introductory questions, said, in passing: ‘¢On New Year’s day you offered your guests a punch; did you see Lieut. Dollett drink — or, first, you may state of what the punch was composed.” Leavitt hesitated, and Oker came to his rescue: ‘‘ There is no occasion for your answering that question, Mr. Leavitt.” «I think the question is right enough,” said Old Stag, who had a curiosity. <¢ But,” said Oker, ‘‘ there is no need for Mr. Leavitt to make known the ingredi- ents of this punch. He might state generally that the punch is unusually subtle in its properties if that is what they were getting at.” But Old Stag disagreed, and the Court being cleared, the legal point was discussed with great learning: Old Stag contending that the Court, being a court of equity everything should be made known, and Oker claim- ing that the Court should respect Leavitt’s private in- formation. ‘I drank of the punch, gentlemen. It is a remarkable punch: containing, I believe, various cor- dials and liqueurs, and, I think, arrack and Chinese whiskey. Mr. Leavitt has traveled largely, and has ob- tained a recipe which he would not care to make known.” But the Court did not agree with Oker, and the Court being opened, it was announced that McVay’s question was sustained. ‘You may state of what the punch was composed.” ‘¢It was composed of lemon, pineapple, mint, burnt sugar, and, of course — water.” Old Stag stared at Leavitt. Leavitt blushed. Oker blushed. Dollett looked guiltier than before. ‘Was that all, Mr. Leavitt?” asked Old Stag, still staring. , ‘¢Yes; that was all.” Old Stag laughed a mean laugh, for which he was noted. a specialty of it, and, naturally, it was a triumph of its kind. ‘Well, Oker,” — he hated Oker, — ‘‘ your diagnosis of the punch was a little off.” ‘I would like to go on now,” said McVay, ‘to show that Mr. Dollett did not drink enough of this fluid to intoxicate him.” “Ugh! Ugh!” laughed Old Stag.

He made

HER STATUS. Mrs. GABBLETON.— I am a woman of few words. OLD GABBLETON.—Yes; but you warm ’em over so often! THE ONLY place where a fool appears to ad- vantage is on the retina of a woman’s eye.

THE BIGAMIST. Ten women gave themselves to him, And all save one were sold,— the fate That, as a general thing, befalls Most wedding gifts in duplicate. TOO MANY good resolutions are stronger at their birth than at any subsequent period. AN INQUIRY. ALICE.—The seventh was her birthday. other year gone by! (GRACE.—How many does that make with those previously acknowledged? An- SOME PEOPLE don’t count the cost until the bill is overdue.

Page 15

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There are, Dr. Nansen confidently believes, Various Ways of Exploring the Unknown Polar Region and these various ways he outlines and discusses from the standpoint of his own recent experience and observations. The paper will be very fully illustrated — first, from photographs of People and Scenes of the Far North taken by Dr. Nansen, and as yet unpublished, and by Peary, Greely, and Melville; and also by photographs and drawings by the celebrated artists Wm. Bradford and A. Operti. Another article in preparation for an early number of MCCLURE’s will give new and late information regarding Andrée’s Balloon Voyage to the Pole Genius in its highest flight never conceived a bolder scheme than this of getting to the Pole by balloon, yet Nansen and other cool, scientific men have faith in it and entertain strong hopes of Andrée’s achieving his whole purpose. This article is written from material furnished by the brother of Mr. Strind- berg, who is now with Andrée on his voyage. 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McClure Co., 141-155 E. 25th St., New York 999O0O0O $060606600000066606006000000006006660066 : wVvVVVVVVVVvVVvVVVVYVVvVvVvVVVVeVwweTS | need what newspaper men call ‘‘ editing. —Atchison Globe. $$$} $O$S$$$S$6 OOOO 66 6460664 66 Gb6Sbbbdbhbhbbdhb hb hb hb hb db db bb i hi hi hi hi hi hi a hi ha ha ha ha ha ha ha he hi a hb eb db bd i be BusINEss-LIKE ENTHUSIASM. ‘¢] am on the eve of a great discov- ery!” said the radiant inventor. ‘‘ Something that will diffuse knowl- edge; something that will make the world wiser and enable us to live with higher -aims?” inquired the admiring friend. ‘‘It’s better than that. It’s a bicycle brake.” — Washington Star. ‘¢ Standard of Highest Merit.’’ Foe GRAND AND UPRIGHT are justiy celebrated for their superiority of Tone Durability and Workmanship. Constructed on the most advanced princi- ples—both from the mechanical and artistic standpoint. No FICTION WANTED. LITTLE Boy. — Uncle, won’t you tell us a story? GENIAL UNCLE,— Certainly, my boy. What kind of a story? | LITTLE Boy.—Oh! any kind, only so it’s true. Tell as about Jack and the 58 Beanstalk.—New York Weekly. om Years. EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES. ‘¢Did the judge let that man go on the plea of his ignorance of the law?” ‘¢No; he let him go on the plea of his ignorance of lawyers.” — Detroit Free Press. Elegantly Cased in Artistic Designs. Write for Catalogue and Illustrated Cuts of all styles. OFFICES AND FACTORIES: 417-433 West 28th Street, N. Y. RETAIL WAREROOMS : 33 Union Square-West, N. Y. LKAAPAAAAAAL A GREAT many things in the world ” / ay cyl iy Lj \) (DS WA & “Ai WRC \ NG eve UY — SS ss SSS Ss S SS SSS SX SOR 1h) os; = | | li A \i COPYRIGHT, 1697, BY FEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN MASCULINE HELP WANTED. MISS SWEETLY.—Don’t be afraid of our dog, Mr Popford ;—come down, and I'll see that he does n’t bite you. . MR. PoPpFORD.— Thanks ; but — but —I don't want you to see that he did bite me ! BREATH PERFUME Good for Young and Ola. R SEI SEN-SEN CO. verte ROCHESTER. N.Y > bp 4p 4 4 b> b> b> bp be by bn tn bp be bn bo, by bn bn bn bn bn bn bn bn bn bn bn bn by bn by Gy Gn bn bn bn bn bn be, bn bn bn bo bn bn bn bn bn dan dy bn bn bn by bn dan hin be bn bn dap tn bn bn hn Ln hn be hn tn hn, hn tn dp tp bp Ap tn tp i i hn te ee eb bp bp bp bp bp bp bp bp bp bp bp bp be bp bp bp bo bo bo bn bo ba bo ba ha ho hi ha hh ha ho hi hi ha hi ha hn i ha ha ha hi ha a ha ha ha ha ha ha hi ha hi ha ha ha ha ha a ha ha ba a ha ha ha ha a eh hh ha he be he he be be bn 0000004 Puck’S = Quarterly P RRR RR

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PUCK, ee MRS. FIBLy. — Be quiet and go to sleep, eon: f 1 ur y children. I can’t go in and read any stories : te m3 _ si. ae 2 if : we, __~—« to -ycu to-night ;—I have such a headache ; 3 > 4 —— \ f CE bratty : I can’t see. ¥ aes ST } ; _ ‘THE CHILDREN.--Oh, look at Mama !— she says she can’t see,— and ; she ’s reading a paper! Mr. FIBLy /to FRIEND). —'Yes; I’ve lived in Swamp Park four years now, and I’ve never seen nor heard of a case of chills and fever here yet. THE CHILDREN.— Oh, my !— did you hear that whopper * Papa just told? : e ue Finty. — What! ‘That fellow with the coal bill again? —tell him I ‘ve gone to the Klondike, and he ’Il: have to wait till I get back ! . THE CHILDREN.— Ob-h-h ! — what'a story / Mrs. FIBLy (fo VistTorR). — Oh, yes! The dear Mr. Frsty. — Remember, children, there is nothing so important children always go to bed at seven o'clock — they - as truthfulness ;— no matter what the circumstances may be, take Mp. FIBLyY. — There, run away, children | — like to go, don’t you, children? pattern by your mother and me, and ALWAYS TELL THE TRUTH! I’m just taking a littie cold tea that the doctor THE CHILDREN (aside).— No, we don’t, and Mama, prescribed for my nerves. knows it, too THE CHILDREN. — Why, Papa! — that ’s , whiskey / ‘ ; COPYRIGHT 1897 BYREPPLERA SCHUARZHANN HOW SOME PEOPLE TEACH THEIR CHILDREN TO BE TRUTHFUL.

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{es LN VG Ze Se ee A> ~~ =~. NRA EES “omih} ree Uf Mi SA amici \\'\ CROWNED &§ WHEREVER for its ) NATI ONAL Riad BARBAROSSA 1» BEER Cincinnati Ohio. USA. JQ SINO o_o, Mtn SEA

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Siete da ey, eee go >, a a SSSR SS, — Time to Dye! It is time to dye the hair or beard, whenever, from sickness or some. inherent defect, the tint or color does not correspond with the age or the inclination. When that time comes it is well to use a dye that gives permanent results without injury to the hair. You can produce a permanent effect in brown or black, by the use of Buckingham’s Dye for the Hair and Whiskers. Ry TS i iD en for the woman who can preserve her Time Stands Still hair in all its youthful freshness and abundance. Thousands of women do this by the aid of Hall's Hair Renewer. It keeps the hair in a condition of perfect health; and healthy hair grows and does not fade or fall. For the health of the hair, and the scalp, to improve the quantity and quality of the hair and to remove dandruff there is no preparation equals Hall’s Vegetable Sicilian Hair Renewer. STT77777 ? - — RR a \ VN UL So" a \ Ws ye AQ —_—s Ww = ™~vY r =