Puck 1895-04-24: Vol 37 Iss 946

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VOL. XXXVII. No. 946. PUCK BUILDING, New York, April 24th, 1895. PRICE 10 CENTS. Copyright, 1895, by Keppler & Schwarzmann. Quo Entered at N. V. P. 9. as Second-class Mail Matter THE NEGLECTED IDOL. NAPOLEON MCKINLEY. — Say, what ’s the matter with those blooming jays? Don’t they know there ’s a Napoleonic revival now going on?

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A PATIENT LOVER. >Y SWEETHEART is a treasure And I love her beyond measure, And each day I have discovered some new and charming trait ; 3ut it made me feel the saddest Zr hY When I found she was a faddist, And that I must be neglected for caprices up to date. At one time it was Browning, Then, First Aid to the Drowning, Then Trying to Discover why Cats Land on their Feet; Then Bric-a-brac Collecting, Then Views on Vivisecting, Then a dainty kind of slumming in a very dirty street. Goodness knows what next it will be, For a long time it was ‘ Trilby,” Until unto Napoleon she became a devotee; Now it 's Joan of Arc and her age; But I try to keep up courage, For [ hope the time is coming when she ‘Il make a fad of me. Carolyn VWells. THE PRACTICAL SIDE. RAMBLER.— Our minister has received a call from somewhere else at more money, and I understand he has been home two days praying for guidance. CASTTLETON. — What does his wife think about it? RAMBLER.— Oh! she’s packing up. COPYRIGHT, 1895, BY KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN, ANIMATE ART. First ACTRESS. —I ’m tired of these perfectly plain costumes. SECOND ACTRESS.— So am I. of gold dust look over the bronze? How would a flounce or two can show strangers a good time! ‘¢°THEY SAY she THEY say sl “AN married him ILL WIND,” ETC., ETC. SHOW PLACES. VistTOR IN PHILADELPHIA.—I shall only be here three days, and | want to see any places of local interest you may have. get rid of him.” i “ ereeAaey “Chicago girl, peoln nit La et Fae al! was n’t she?” Aly I, \ ths 4 Our UNPAID bills are sometimes the source of our best efforts. THERE ARE doz- ens of remedies for rheumatism, and it usually lasts long enough to give its victim a chance to try them all. * Goodness me! There goes my hat. ** Well, that certainly is remarkable ! Where did it go? NATIVE.— All right! This afternoon we will go to the Ledger office; to-morrow visit the Penitentiary, and the next day the Deaf-and-Dumb Asylum. Oh, we Philadelphians THE STREET-CAR company is the only institution that makes anything from its hangers on. i ON TENTMENT CONSISTS in the temporary forgetful- ness of the thing we would like to have next. To FEED upon one’s own great- ness is to become a victim of cranial gout. “T'm a mee-looking sight to call on a bank-president ; ain't 1?” ‘“Th’ saints presarve us! Phwere did thot come from ? TRQOUARSE: ** Sure, it fits me great!”

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Wi Me, p. WY Ls \ HV Zz \ t 4 - TH ms 2 res | ae wae A\ =, y wow? Rf ES OPYRIGHT, 1895, BY KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN, A DIPLOMATIC DISMISSAL. Mr. BoRELEY.— Yes; it is raining real hard, but it will clear up soon, Miss INNIT.—It's too bad you have to go out in the rain! Shall I loan you an umbrella? “WHAT ’S IN A NAME?” IS SAID, to change the fashion, all 's Accomplished if the name be new; But when Sue dons her rationals I find the proverb far from true. For should she, ere she goes to ride, A moment in the parlor sit, And court my gaze with proper pride, @et I praise their cut and call them ‘ It.” But when, a-wheel, her garment shows Its long division to the hem, I'd rather not; but goodness knows, I am constrained to call it ‘‘ Them.” And so 't is made quite clear to me Not all the style is in the name ; Dubbed ‘‘it”’ or ‘‘ them,” you still may see They ‘re bifurcated just the same. Myles Tyler Frisbie. AN UNPARDONABLE FAULT. HeE.—I consider Mrs. Harrower as the best of our modern society novelists. 4 SHE.— Oh, how can you say so?) Why, in that last book of E hers the heroine’s dress did n’t match the furniture! *« No,” SAID the living skeleton, firmly; «I can not take your hall bed-room.” ‘* But it is a fine, light, airy room,” persisted his landlady. je ’ : 7 : COPYRIGHT, 1695, BY KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN *‘That may be, but if you think I’m going into the closet THE CIRCUS IN BOSTON. business before my time, you ’re greatly mistaken ! ” THE ELEPHANT.—I always get nervous when the show strikes this town. HE 5 THE BENGAL TIGER.—Why ? _ W N A MAN’S good deeds speak for themselves, he should not THE ELEPHANT.— I can't help feeling that even the little children who allow his voice to drown theirs. to look at us know a great deal more about us than we do ourselves. come

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v4 Wp | m1 Lion Pir Ly iy MN ie \\ Hy) | By CL—RK R—SS—LL. ‘* The sea, the sea, the open sea, The blue, the fresh, the ever free.” “Sy. “) F THERE be those who love not the sea with its storms, its seaweed, its sharks and shrimps and ships, this is not the story for them, and they would best weigh anchor and steer for some tale written by a landlubber and full of green meadows and trees and such Tommy-rot, for this is to be chock-a-block with nautical phrases. And who am I? you ask. I am Joseph Inland, the tenth of that name. We have always lived and died here in Birming- ham, and followed the trade of cutlers; but when I was a babe of one year, Father told Mother ’t was time one member of the family followed the sea, wherever it went, and that he intended to make a sailor of me. So, before I was six, I had heard of sloops and ferry-boats and _ belay- ing pins and admirals and salt junk, and longed to hear the wind whistling through the maintop gallant mast, and could say ‘* bote-swain” as glibly as any sailor afloat. But Father was in moderate circumstances; and so, much as he would have liked to, he could not afford to send me to sea when I was a boy, and that is why my one and twentieth birthday came and went and I had never been further from Birmingham than my legs could carry me in a day; but you may be sure that I subscribed to the Seaman’s Daily, and through a friend who knew a sailor, I had picked up such terms as amidships, deck, boom, bilge-water, forecassel, and the like, so that I was a seaman in everything save actual experience. And in the amateur dramatical society of which I was a member, I always played sailors’ parts, and did them so well that when we played ‘¢Hamlet” they changed the part of the grave-digger to that of a sailor for me, and I made a great hit in it. The one who played « Hamlet” did n’t like the change, as it interfered with his lines and his business with a skull, and he refused to come on at all in that act; but I sang a sea song, instead, and the newspaper came out and said that my singing was no worse than his acting would have been, which I thought pretty neat. But enough of that. I was always fond of joking, and had nigh unto a score of comical sayings that I used to repeat to my friends when they wouid come to our house of an evening; but they did n’t often come. My father said I was as comical a lad as he ever knew, and would slap me on the back and roar that it was the funniest thing he had heard in a twelve- month when I made one particular joke the tenor of which I forget now. But all the jokes dealt with the sea. Well, so much for my life up to my one and twentieth birthday. You have learned that if ever a body was fitted for a sea life, that body was mine. By the time I was six and twenty, I don’t believe there was a sea term that I did not have at my tongue’s end, and I always wore my trousers wide at the lower end and kept a chew of tobacco in my mouth day and and night, al- though, after a time, I failed to notice any taste in it. It was a gladsome sight to see me go rolling to my work in the cutler’s shop (for I still followed the old trade) with a hearty ‘*Ho, landsman! good mornin’ to ye!” to all I met, in true sailor fashion. Our fare at home consisted of lob- lolly, ship’s biscuit, salt junk, and plum duff with water drawn from casks. My dear old mother used sometimes to wish for home-made bread and fresh meat and vegetables and pump water; and I remember one Winter, brother died of the scurvy, but I was better content than if he had died of some landsman’s complaint, and Mother was glad to put up with anything, she was so proud that I was to be a seaman. be? oi res ger” * Copyright, 1895, by Keppler & Schwarzmann.— Ad/ rights reserved. —Barry Cornwall. I had a carpenter construct my parents’ bed room, so that the whole floor could be rocked; and on stormy nights I would stay up and by a simple mechanism, keep it a-rocking until poor old Mother would be as sick as if she were in the channel. But I never heard her mur- mur. She was fit for a sailor’s wife. On such nights Father never went to bed but staid down- stairs, There was lit- tle of the seaman’s spirit in the old man, When I was one and thirty, I had a rare chance to ship before the mast on a whaler sailing from Liver- pool; but as busi- ness was pretty brisk at the shop, I decided to wait, and the offer was not renewed when she re- turned, three years later. When I was forty, dear Mother entered her last port. The doctor, a blundering landlubber, fond of landmen’s phrases, said she died of insuf- ficient nutriment. Be that as it may, or what it may, in her I lost one whose heart was always on my going to sea. Douse my toplights, if ever there was a craft that carried a stauncher heart from barnacle to binnacle than did the old lady, and I had her buried in shrouds, with a cannon ball at the foot of the coffin, as befitted the mother of one who was going to be a seaman. After she died I became even more impatient to be off to sea, for there ’s no air so pure as the sea air, no hearts so irue as seamen’s hearts, no weed like seaweeds, and no water that ’s fit to drink save sea water; but business was pretty good, so, for the present, I de- cided to stay ashore; but I always read the shipping news with as much keen- ness as any sailor afloat. by ny T “ip Migs Y se * * * And now I ’ve come to the end of my yarn. I named it «* The Wreck of the Catapult,” because it had a salty savor. It was the name of one of my favorite Sunday-school books when I was a lad. Now I am an old man, three score and ten, and have been alone in the world a score of years. Heaven de- nied me the blessing of children, but I have a grandson who is as hot for the sea as I was. Ah, me! Next week I am going to apply for admission to the Sailors’ Home; for, although circumstances have prevented my ever seeing the ocean or scenting its salty breezes, | have always been, and always shall be, at heart, a British seaman. Shiver my timbers! Charles Battell Loomts.

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f tice? He lives in a well-to-do neighborhood, and he really is a most excellent physician. gives him a severe headache.

COPYRIGHT, 1895, BY KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN

WHERE THE SHOE PINCHES. WADE.—What ’s the matter, old man? You look as cross as two sticks. BUTCHER.—You ’d be mad, too! I lost iny gold collar- button, and was searching and searching WADE.—Why, you ’ve got it on, now! BUTCHER.—Yes; that’s it! I found it just where my wife said it was, at first.

LOvE Is the cement with which the Great Architect unites the hearts of humanity ; — Morr!

A STUDY IN’ TENSE. I’ve read the modern novel, And I ’ve learned this truth at last: That the Woman of the Future Is the Woman with a Past.

COPYRIGHT, 1895, BY KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN, A REMNANT. / SHE.—What do you think of Miss Rock's catch,— Count Sawdorff ? | ( He.—I think she might have got more for her money. > : a7 HIS DISADVANTAGE. Cross.—I wonder why our friend, Dr. Sawyer, can't get any prac- BLACKWELL.— He told me he could n’t wear a silk hat; — it always No ONE is superstitious when it comes to receiving the baker’s dozen. ms ek ate CUPYRIGHT, 1896, BY KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN, APPROPRIATE. FIRST BROOKLYN MAN ( proudly ).— It was my birthday yesterday, and just look at this beautiful shaw] pin my wife gave me as a present ! SECOND BROOKLYN MAN (not wishing to be left).— That is very nice; but my wife did better than that. My birthday was last week, and she had the baby coach all newly painted for me. FROM HIS POINT OF VIEW. WOGGLEBAUM.—I see vere dere vas t’ree new fire in- surance gombanies shtardted last month mit large gapitals. FIRENSKI.— Veeping Rachel! Vot a lot of peoples dere ish nowadays mit money to burn! AAs HA MY _— . -_ YAN ITS ONE DRAWBACK. 4456 ; / fein Mrs. HOMER. — Dear me, I must commence house-cleaning to- morrow, and I hate it! Mr. HOMER.—Why, how is that? Mrs. HOMER.— It dirties every ’ thing up so.

LLECTURER.—The boa constrictor just tried to swallow the snake-charmer, and the woman was only saved by her rare presence of mind. — TAGE Tell. well! » did i ? THE IDOLS OF THE HOUR. MANAGER. —Well, well! How did it happen : LECTURER.— Oh, she put forth that claim about her age and CORNEY, THE CopPpER.— Sz 7 Nisin ia il = . Cc ER. ay, youz fellers seem to be rather chipper dis mornin! clung to it; and you know nobody could swallow that! STROLLING STROTHERS, WAYSIDE WALKER AND HIRSUTE HAWKINS (in chorus ).— You bet! We ‘ve struck it rich. All der wimmen is crazy about dis Trilby . fad. Dey say we makes ‘em t’ink of de t'ree musketeers of der brushes, an’ every [F, AS has erroneously been said, we really «< profit by our errors,” house we goes to dey give us de best dey ‘ve got! every man-jack of us be would declaring dividends daily.

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SIX AND HALF-A-DOZEN. THE WOMEN. SCENE: The Boudoir. Time, 3 P. M. THE GUEST.—Well, | must go now! Oh, say, did you hear of Glady’s engagement? (The full details for another hour.) THE Guest.— Really, now I must hurry home! Oh, about those challies! You can get them at Styles & Wareim’s. (More discourse about the latest Spring fash- tons; clock chimes six.) THE GUEST.— Dear me / How the time flies! Well, good-by, dear — you heard about Mrs, Flytie? — oh, dreadfully talked about, and — (Exhaustive resumé of the lady's Sailings. ) THE Hostess.—Tea is served. Won't you stay? THE GUEST,.— Well, I’m sure I ought n’t, but I might as well. ~) (Does so.) , eS a THE MEN. ; f a SCENE: The Club, Time, 3 A. M. FB Sa THE DEAL. — Say, I thought we were to stop at two o'clock? Here it’s three, already; suppose we have three rounds of jack pots and quit. (Jack pots fill up the time till four. ) THE AGr.—Well, I hate to quit so much ahead. What do you say to just one more round? See if I can’? lose this stack! (Shuffling, cutting, dealing and bluffing for another half-hour.) THE Betr.—I ’m the victim, it seems. Suppose we have a two-dollar jack as a wind-up? (Two-dollar jack gets under way.) THE Cut (looking at watch), — Five o’clock! Well, there ’s no use stopping at this hour. Let ’s play the day in. (They do.) MAKING HIM USEFUL. Colonel Handy Polk, the prominent real estate agent of Hawville, Okla- homa, recently purchased a spirited horse, and, a few days later, cordially in- vited Dr. Slade to take a ride. All went well for a time, and then the horse began plunging and kick- ing, and wound up the performance by overturn- ing and smashing the bug- gy and disappearing over the hill in the general di- rection of Nova Scotia. “Confound you, Handy!” roared the phy- sician, as he extracted his head from one of the wheels, through which it had been thrust without regard to the safety of his ears. ‘* What in the dickens did you mean by inviting me to ride behind such an infernal horse as that?” ‘«*Why,” returned the colonel, struggling to his feet, ¢*I was afraid the brute would run away and break something, and I thought I’d be on the safe side and have a doctor along in case I needed one.” COPYRIGHT, 1896, BY KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN AN OKLAHOMA COURTSHIP. Miss GLADYS Mork.— How did you come to accept Alkali Ike ? Miss BIRDIE SLADE.— Because he was so brave and fearless. Why, when I asked him to do something heroic, to prove his love for me, he whooped and swore COPYRIGHT, 1896, BY KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN IN THESE DAYS. MANAGER.— How many characters in your drama? PLAYWRIGHT.— Six at the beginning, and five at the end. ‘*How do you mean?” ‘The heroine loses hers as the plot develops.”’ THE CUT DIRECT. The victim closed his eyes, seemingly unconscious or indifferent to his fate. With his keen blade bared, the assistant torturer awaited: the signal from his chief. A pause. Was there hope yet? No! See; the dread sign is given! The razor of the barber’s new appren- tice glitters in the air and, the next instant, the steady-customer-who- never-tips is weltering in his gore. SOCIAL STUDIES. ‘“©A childless marriage is a loveless one, don’t you be- lieve that?” She spoke a great truth, she knew it, and her voice was grave and earnest. But for this once she caught the young man nap- ping on third base, as it were. ‘*Um — ah!” he stammered; ‘yes, even unto the third and fourth BA / Yl) fh generation.” Pea Lp And ail the way home a he wondered what had ‘ - made her grow so strange- ly silent. NATIVE PRAISE. In the village of Chicago The critics all salaam Unto the great star actor, And say he is a ham. «Po you believe in original sm?” ‘‘©No; most of them are pla- giarized.” and kicked the chairs over till Paw got out of bed and came downstairs, as mad as ‘sc RICHES HAVE wings;” but not sO many as poor-houses. a hornet, to quiet the uproar. And then Ike jumped on to him and licked him in less than three minutes. And you know that Paw has always been considered one of the hardest men in the county to handle. «¢ MAN WANTs but little here below,” and frequently he has to hock that.

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PUCK, PUBLISHED EVERY WEDNESDAY. The subscription price of PUCK ts $5.00 per vear. $2.50 for six months. $1.25 for three months. Payable in advance. eppler & Schwarzmann, Publishers and Proprietors. Editor’ - - - - - H.C. Bunner. Wednesday, April 24th, 1895. —WNo. 946. SPECIAL NOTICE.—Most of the articles and illustrations in Puck are copyrighted in the United States and Great Britain. All persons are cautioned against using any of them without permission. CARTOONS AND COMMENTS. HE SUPREME CourRT of the United States has declared the Income-tax law to be constitutional, ; except as to a few of its provisions; —that is, it has decided that under the wording of the Constitution, such a tax may properly be levied. After all, the question was not a very deep or involved one; a lexicographer could have disposed of it about as ably as did the combined wisdom of our highest court, for the legal right or wrong of the tax seems to have depended upon the exact meaning ascribed to certain words in the Constitution. But, now that the constitutionality of the law has been vouched for, we should like to see the Supreme Court get down to the real meat of the matter and tell how the tax may be collected. Therk’s a problem worthy of the deepest study. Rich and poor alike are to-day heartily condemning this law, with utter disregard for the costly and dignified opinion secured from the Court. In time of war, general famine or other national calamity, we are pleased to believe that the average American citizen would cheerfully give up a certain proportion of his income for the general good. In the absence of any such emergency, he rebels. It may be constitutional, he reasons, but, if so, that is the fault of the Constitution, —its framers were not careful enough; for the Constitution itself grew out of a personal-liberty law which every American privately enacted for himself in the latter part of the last century. This private law has been in force ever since. Every American enacts it for himself as soon as he reaches maturity. It is the real foundation of our national structure, this law, and when the Constitution conflicts with it, the Constitution will be found to be imperfect. Every man fortunate enough to be of the class which the Income-tax law affects is now wondering just how honest he had better be in making his returns. A few will be rigidly conscientious, and some will be just fairly honest, but the great majority will be as dishonest as they dare; — that is, they will hide, withhold, divert, quibble and falsify, and all because they believe the law to be unjust. Even the poor man busies himself in imagining ways that he would evade the tax if he were only rich. The Income-tax law can not be equitably enforced, because the people at large do not approve of it. Some day our legislators will learn that something more than mere legality is necessary to make a measure respected and obeyed in a country where the people are supposed to rule themselves; and that it is not worth the while to try to enforce a law that they generally condemn. AN EPIDEMIC OF PERJURY. A PLEA FOR * IS a depressing fact that the public taste for HONEST IMMORALITY. verted. The most popular brand of immorality now is that which has a gamey flavor. If we, as a people, are to grow, spiritually and intellectually, this evil must be cor- rected. When let to run, it induces unwholesome introspection, con- fuses clear and established standards of right and wrong, and nour- ishes a shoddy sentimentality that is always morally debilitating. This wave of Moralomania, or whatever it may be called, seems to have reached our shores several years ago with the English translation of a novel by Tolstoi. That novel made use of the 3 | most elaborate and intricate calculations that geometry affords to prove that two taken from four leaves two; in other words, it taught the awful truth that a woman can not become utterly depraved without hurting her finer moral nature. Volume and force were added to this wave by Ibsen. This author teaches that ifa man with yellow side-whiskers have articular rheumatism in his fifty-second year, a male descendant of his in the fourth generation will be, at his thirtieth year, a red-haired piano-tuner afflicted with goitre and a criminal fondness for jam tarts, to which he will weakly succumb every second Monday. After the stuff of these literary Grandmothers had done its work in the Ameri- can mind, along came novels written by a set of British females who seem not to be quite sure if their minds are on straight. These novels lay bare the solemn and impressive truth that a man and a woman can not defy the conventionalities without becoming, in a measure, unconven- tional; but that a woman ought to be immoral if there is a reason for it sufficiently inscrutable to her and to every one else. By that time the American public was ready for the British play —a play on words, gener- ally —a play full of Rhine-stone epigrams that an unfortunate wretch brought forth by juggling with the moral multiplication table, — by saying that five times five, in morals, is twenty-six, or perhaps a hundred, or per- immorality in plays and books has become per- \ PUCK. 1st haps nothing at all. The American public received this manna with bilious but enthusiastic gratitude. It said how interesting vice was in London drawing-rooms, and what a clumsy, funny, old-fashioned affair genuine virtue was getting to be, anyway; and how wonderfully clever and witty it was to say that good is bad and bad is good. And then came another playwright whose immorality if not quite so ultra-transcendental is far more practical, for he demonstrated the great truth that if a drunken stage husband cuts the cards for his wife with her wealthy lover, and /oses, the public will pay liberally to see the operation. A later work of this author shows that if you are an opium-fiend and truly love one who was a happy, careless, depraved and dissolute girl only a few years before, you can win her in the last act and carry her off on the villain’s yacht if you only get drunk on opium often enough. As a result of a few years’ diet on this sort of pabulum one part of the New York public has been dis- cussing which is more moral —a woman clad in silk tights the hundredth part of an inch thick, or a woman clad in bronze paint the fiftieth part of an inch thick. Another part is petitioning the legislature to pass a law against the wearing of tights on the stage, in the ingenuous belief that tights alone constitute stage immorality. And the worst of it is that it is @// so odorously immoral that it would turn the stomach of the captain of a garbage scow. That congenital ignoramus, Anthony Comstock, trying to pass an anti-tights law at Albany is just as immoral as the dramatist who says that black is white, or the variety-theatre manager who panders to debased instincts. It is encouraging to note that the reading and theatre-going publics seem lately to have been re- called somewhat to their senses by noting the inevitable trend of this meretricious stuff. We trust there will be a healthy reaction toward the sterling, old-fashioned immorality of our forefathers’ plays and books. The honest physical vices that Fielding and Smollett exploited never yet ruined a nation, a city ora tribe; but the decayed mental vices which nauseate us to-day have led to the ruin of great peoples. So long as we must have immorality, then, let us cling to the first. Compared with the second it is sturdy and wholesome and instructive. So, we say to the reading public: go back in your reading to the time before immorality became a science — when it still meant real human nature in some one of its normal phases. And, to the theatre-going public, we say: stay away from the plays that offer you only decayed immorality. You can generally tell which they are, because the critics invariably speak of them as *‘ epoch-making.” There is plenty of edifying dramatic stuff left in normal human nature, that can be enjoyed without the aid of iodoform, and that is what you should have. If you can’t find it in the legitimate drama, go to the «* Black Crook” on one of its prototypes, and take your family with you. Vice and virtue know their places there; and uncovered, well-rounded legs are wholesomer than moral cancers with epigram dressing. COPYRIGHT, 1896, BY KEPPLER & SCHAARZMANN THE LITTLE THINGS THAT COUNT. LITTLE MICKEY (who has made a mistake in his spelling). — What dif'rence does one letter make, anyhow ? Mr. O'TOOLE (wishing to impress a severe lesson), — \t jist meks a dommed soight av difrince sometimes! Jist because there haint thot little letter ‘‘R'' in the months av May, June, July an’ August, we don't git no oysters. Thot 's phwhat!

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PUCK. 1 EIRP gy — ee OAL INE OD eapieteeaaiineennaimenes ee j ‘=e Sterne. Cty | ak =~ | ee ee ~~ eS ete ens, eee J. Ottmann Lith.Co. puck sunomeny. OF FOOL AMERICANS.

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154 PUCK. A DISCREDITED PATRIOT. Once upon a time, a Mouse, in his rambles through an unfrequented part of the house wherein he dwelt, discovered a fine, large cheese. As he was generous and public-spirited, he immediately hastened back to Mousetown and informed his neighbors of the fortunate find. His report was coldly received. ‘¢Clearly,” said the leaders of the community, ‘‘ you have been de- ceived by your imagination or your prejudice, or wish, maliciously, to lead us out of the footsteps of our fathers to some strange place where we will be entrapped and ruined. Your report promises too much; our old-fash- ioned way of living is good enough.” Whereupon the mouse in disgust went back to his cheese and made a Winter habitation of it, in which he lived luxuriously, while his late com- panions were starving. Discouragements lower ambition, but they are a mighty stimulus to selfishness.

COPYRIGHT, 1895, BY KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN, PUCK’S ILLUSTRATED DEFINITIONS. ‘©THE NUDE IN ART.” AN ANSWER FOR FAIR. ‘¢T will be yours,” she said; ‘*but you must promise me to become a worker for the church.” ‘¢ Heavens ! —” The look of happiness faded from his eyes. = . ey MY, 6“ , “ ce “at ice cred Z ‘eter ¢ ‘ ly Sale || NE j A if H mf I could never bring myself to eat ice cream and oyster stew, | (|) uu an Oat Y) Yay ! I " M what ] |

and —” Convulsive sobs shook his frame — ‘¢T promised Mother I would never gamble!” From that night they never met again. Hi | Nn | Hi 1 HOW BOBBY GOT EVEN. Although the teacher kept me in to-day For full two hours, I felt no pang of sorrow; I just got even with him in this way: I went and learned my lessons for to-morrow.

COPYRIGHT, 1696. BY KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN, IT ’S DIFFERENT OUT WEST. PAWKENHAM (of Chicagc ).—-1 suppose your folks was originally D—Ger- mans, Mr. Van Pelter ? VAN PELTER.—No, sir! We are Dutch— Dutch — one of the oldest Knickerbocker families. PAWKENHAM.— That 's what I thought. Only, ye see, out our way the Dutch get as mad as thunder if you call ‘em anything but Germans.

AT LAST. The stout party with the eye-glasses gazed with rapture at the rolling, dark-blue waves. ‘* At jast,” he said, «¢the dream of my life is realized! I have the glories of the mighty deep before my eyes, the moisture of the salt breeze for the first time on my cheek!” Here he wept. The careless loungers of the sandy shore, recognizing the celebrated writer of sea stories, respected his emotion, and stood silent, nor jarred upon a os : Tee eh. his joy with their idle babble. we cq ¢ & + SBS HEREDITARY INFLUENCES. <2 = <3 When your baby to walk will first begin, if ‘? \ You 'll find he takes after vou, rather, \ \ If you teach him yourself to follow in } \ The 4 Footsteps \ of j i. hen, sncealll ather ! , Rf. He. - ‘* FAINT HEART never won fair lady,” without considerable P. assistance on her part. COPYRIGHT, 1895, BY KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN SATURDAY AND SUNDAY, TOO. REBECCA IKENSTEIN.— Vat vill you say, mein Fater?—oh, vorgeeve your ALL THINGS come to those who know when to stop waiting. daughter ! — I loaf —loaf a Ghristian. . p — IsAAC IKENSTEIN.—Goot, goot, mein schild! Marry him qvick! I vill a |r WouLD be a good thing if people could not play the violin partner make him, undt ve vill keeb dot shtore oben efry day in der veek. until they know how.

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PUCK. 155

THE PRIMAL CAUSE. | ed Womankind we blame for all our woe, | itil, As By her tricks and schemes our wills entrapping ; ——_ ts to But the sex would not be here, you know, | If the first man had n’t been caught napping. Cc. w. . DOWN ON HIM, ANYWAY. ‘ill hs, R. BONDER (reading the Daily Whirled ).—« And sh- e who is responsible for this deplorable condition of things? Who but our substantial business men >a and men of affairs, whose selfish indifference and m- apathy allow the worst class of political bosses and heelers to control the party and subvert the to government to their own base uses. We place the blame squarely on the shoulders of our rich

men who are too lazy to attend the primaries, and too devoted to the sordid occupation of money getting to consent to hold office.” By Jove! I don’t know but what that editor ’s right! 1°ll look into the thing a little bit, myself. * ¥ * Mr. BONDER (six months later — reading the Daily Whirled).—**We note with pain the nomination of Thomas H. Bonder to fill the vacancy in the ’Steenth Congressional District. It is a sad commentary on the degenerate con- ' dition of affairs when money-bags take precedence of horny-handed brains and industry; — when the most important offices are sold at the auction block, and men with nothing but dollars to recommend them are elevated to positions of public trust. It is evident that we are fast approaching a plutocracy when the millionaire is stifling the voice of the workingman and shutting out from all share in the government the great mass of the common people, of whose cause the OS Fayre Daily Whirled is and always has been the devoted champion.” r

HER OPINION OF THE MATTER, sto SOPYRIGHT, 1896, BY KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN FANNY T. PHAYRE.— Did you know that Cora Peachcheek slapped the face LATER ON. ‘ ‘ , 3A) a H > vacterdayw ? of a = os — to Suet with her yesterday re Son OF THE Housk.—It was bad enough when I had to wear Father's MISS ANN EAK (scor nfully ).— The bold minx! You may be sure she started cut-down trousers, but when it comes to wearin’ Mother's, I''m a-goin' to kick. : it by encouraging him. It’s mighty strange I never meet with such adventures ! PoerT, IF you seek the Impersonation of Blissful Repose, observe a tenement- = Or ALL the charms of the Venus de Milo, perhaps the greatest was that she house lady leaning out of her front window to watch the laborers in the could n’t play the banjo. street below.

| SInrrerererernenenenenernr rere enenenenr nn

-—_sechabeaaaa 2 oo f 7 =, A i ~ Z = = RZMANN, 1 RIA ¥ oa : » L eo —» f a | | WiLL GONVINCE Thay | = =| = I O R THE = ~ an MnO z ; = | soy ISPERFECTION. | = a PEOPLE | SCIENTIFIC SUSPENDERS j ‘ 4 ws Made for Health. ¢ fort. Db i] 1 | HFRS, pM PLE re icea - . “ — -_ feet hsehiinn ap recede ert the a Pee OA ICES 3 —_= |} the shoulders! Trousers always kept in shape. Easy in - I | = action! Preventing all strain o he b onus when sitti os 130, Vlba (els nee MT. RAINIER. H A » no poh venting a rah nt uttons when sitting 3 —_» On sale by all first-e lass dealers, or sent by mail on receipt peemes PAID. ¢ FREE oo —- of price, 50c. to $2.00, post-paid. State height and weight. ATAL eo — s* IENTIFIC SUSPENDER CO. (Li » BUFFAL N.Y ng, Sui, sof | costs INO'TELIN CG tema -_ = -_-- ee e — — Nv. Gry: = ee Are all found within its covers. It is magazine size— profusely = ELECTRICITY i : ; HISTORY illustrated — worthy a place in any library or parlor. > 86 + eng al my ee sila ure ied ngineering (S:ationary carine ocomotive = ceocraruy = SKETCHES OF WONDERLAND ~ He ee @_is the name, and it is published by the Northern Pacific Railroad, and will be sent upon receipt = Twenty Technical Courses. Send for tree @ of SIX CENTS in sti amps by CHAS. S. FEE, Gen. Pass. Agent, St. Paul, Minn. —/. circular, stating subject you wish to study, to eo ’ —_ The International Correspondence - KZ Wadd Aid ccd dd AS — eo , BRA BAN IN PREPARATION. j : RASS D — HAIR ON THE FACE .: 7 for each ,pictare. Any boy or — S c use i t : . guaranteed. Indestructible. If not for sale by the ane ake j $3 ph yon tag dk em 0) ei — | Favs on receipt of price ALFRED C. KEMPER : oil with @ fine half-tone Abso] lutely pure. Unequaled for all persons with =| TERLIN: 0 Tenbemetrces W Ww" 208 Lake STREET, CHicaco * portrait of Mr. Opper. <j a a uiLnex & delicate and tender skin. | He 2 3 te Stated ta ee aera ec got ROPFF, New York, U.S. Agts. , Will be ready May 15. Order it NOW.

Page 12

THE CELEBRATED SOHMER Pianos arc the Best. Warerooms: 149—155 E. 14th St., New York. Caution.—The buying public will please not con- found the Soumer Piano with one of a similarly sounding name of cheap grade. Our name spells — ~$-O-H MER OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT OF TUE awanro on GILLOTT’S PENS AT THE CHICAGO EXPOSITION. AWARD: “For excellence of steel used in their manufacture, it being fine grained and elastic ; superior workmanship, especially shown by the careful grinding which leaves the pens free from defects. The tempering is excellent and the action of the finished pens perfect.” Approved: Joun Boyp THACHER, Chairman Exec, Com. on Awards, IT IS GOOD FORM to ride handsome and graceful RAMBLER BIGYGLES ALL weicuTs, $100. Tanpems, $150. Handsome catalogue for 2 two-cent stamps. GORMULLY @ JEFFERY MFG. CO. CHICAGO. BOSTON. WASHINGTON. New York. BROOKLYN. DeTrRo!T COVENTRY. ENGLAND W.L.Douc.Las $3 SHOE 1S THE BEST. . FIT FOR AKING. $5. CORDOVAN, . FRENCH & ENAMELLED CALF. 4.3350 Fine CALF &KANGAROO. $3.59 POLICE,3 SOLEs. 0 | 9280 92 MO RRINGMENS, / $2,$|.75 BOYS SCHOOLSHOES, jo $25952.$1.2! ee: SEND FOR CATALOGUE -L.-DOUGL — BROCKTON, MASS. Over One Million People wear the W. L. Douglas $3 & $4 Shoes All our shoes are equaily satisfactory They give the best value for the money. oer equa] custom shoes in style and fit. Their wearing qualities are unsurpassed. The prices are uniform,---s on sole. From $1 to $3 saved over other makes. If your dealer cannot supply you we can. PROJECTING EARS =x. Send stamp for book on changing features. JOHN H. WOODBURY, 127 W. 42d St., N. Y.; Bos- ton, Philadetphia, Chicago, St. Louis. DEAFNESS tal/fa0, Noises ,cunep more to EAR‘?* than all other de- vices combined. Whispers d. Help ears as glasses doeyes. F'. Hiscox, B'dway,N.Y. Bookof proofs FREE , Ubunld Constable Ao. Flannels. Imported French Printed Flannels, Stripe and Plain Flannels. “D. & J. Anderson’s ” SCOTCH FLANNELS, Spring assortment for House and Night wear Embroidered Flannels. — Also a lot of Finette Flannels at very low price. SDroadovary Ads 9th ét. NEW YORK. ‘ Got-it-in-the-neck-and-glad-of-it !’ THE “BENEDICT.” Strong, durable, and can be adjusted sipe view. with perfect ease. BENEDICT BROTHERS, Jewelers, @ | — Broadway & Cortlandt St., N. Y e Manufactured for the Trade by $ ENOS RICHARDSON & CO., oe 23 Maiden Lane. Send for Circular. LAUTIER Fils OLIVE Oil. GEORGE LUEDERS & CO., N. Y. Wholesale Agents. THE reason a fashionable woman changes her mind so often is because her mind is on her dresses.— Yonkers Statesman. e000 END View. 2000666 CLUBS TRUMP, WHICH WINS? x Ja TUTTI-FRUTTI GUM a ; Seve S , ioe | alt COPYRIGHT, 1896, BY KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANM CHEAP AT THE PRICE. First Victim.—Say, you get a pretty good shave here for a nickel, eh? SECOND VICTIM. — Oh, I don’t come here to save money. I can’t talk Italian and they can’t talk English. When I go to a barber shop it ’s for a shave and not a conversazione during a scraped acquaintance. See? THE BEST MATERIAL ax THE BEST WORKMANSHIP donde to te (Greatest Durability, which means in the case of stockings,—what is appreciated by the busy or tired housewife,— THE LEAST DARNINGC. THE Wrawterie STOCKINGS are made of the Best Yarns, on the Best Machinery, and by the Best Skilled Labor. SHAW STOCKING CO., LoweLL, Mass, (@™ SEND For DescripTIVE Price-List. HE was a married man who said that life was full of contradictions. — The Waterbury. —hes The New Model Number ars Remington "rewrite MANY NOTABLE IMPROVEMENTS, Matchless Construction. Unequaled Durability. Unrivaled Speed. SEND FOR CATALOGUE = WYCKOFF, SEAMANS & BENEDICT, 327 Broadway, New York. ALL men look in their photographs as if they would make good husbands.—Aéchison Globe. _ CARL UPMANN’S BOUQUET CIGAR. BEWARE OF IMITATIONS. America’s Favorite TEN-CENT CIGAR. For Sale by first-class Dealers Everywhere. “Received the Highest Award for Merit and General Excellency ” — Wor!d’s Columbian Exposition, 1893. ‘** Now, about your laundress — you have perfect confidence in her ?” ‘* Mercy, yes; I’m certain that she will not bring back more than half of the articles I send.”—/nter Ocean. F ’ . Toilet, Bath, C i ir. 200 ways { Borax Receipt BOOK Fibe %eei.rac" Sova neami Peake Cracemea combs peanent Sowa | My Baby was a living skeleton; the doc- tor said he was dying of Maras- mus and Indigestion. At 1; months he weighed only seven pounds. Nothing strengthened or fattened him. I began using Scott’s Emulsion of Cod-liver Oil with Hypophosphitcs, feed- ing it to him and rubbing it into his body. He began to fatten and is now a beautiful dimpled boy. The Emulsion seemed to supply the one thing needful. Mrs. Kenyon WILLIAMs, May 21,1894. Cave Springs, Ga. Similar letters from other mothers. Don’t be persuaded to accept a substitute! Scott & Bowne, N. Y, 50c. and $1. MONARCH King of All Bicycles. All Druggists. FIVE STYLES. — WEIGHTS 18 TO 25 POUNDS. Prices $85 and $100. MONARCH CYCLE CO. Factory and Main Office, Lake and Halsted Sts., Chicago. Eastern Branch: 97-99 Reade St., New York. - THE C. F. GUYON CO., Ltd., Managers. KALAMAZOO Duplicate Whist. More Interesting than ordinary Whist, because § each side has absolutely the same opportunities. A simple and practicable way of ascertaining with certainty the relative superiority of different players. Play the Kalamazoo Method once and the old game becomes dull and uninteresting. Ask your dealer for the game, or write us. IHLING BROS. & EVERARD, Whist and Duplicate Whist Rules and Whist Etiquette as adopted by the Kalamazoo, 4th American Whist Congress sent to Mich. any address on receipt of 2c. stamp. WHEN we do not give according to our means we do according to our meanness.— Ram's Horn. wl ; NEW TARIFF PRICES in Spring Suitings. Handsome Scotch Cheviot Suit to order, $16.00. Clay Finished Worsted Coat and Vest to $72.00. order, 2,000 Styles to select Jrom. Samples on appli cation. 774 Broadway, 145-147 Bowery, New York.

Page 13

ty of 1 the pli. wk. F ; $ 3 § é ? FLEMINC’S OLD EXPORT «_ WHISKEY, Guaranteed 8 Years Old. FINEST RYE WHISKEY IN AMERICA. Full Quarts, $1.50 SAMPLE SENT FREE ON APPLICATION. DISTILLERS, PITTSBURCH, PA. Sold by all First- class Cafés, Grocers and Dr wapiats. A Handsome Complexion Is one of the greatest charms a woman can pos- sess. Pozzoni’s Complexion Powder gives it. 5) =) unbs ma UR SMOKE CoD = |It cannot be improved |lt cannot be equalled COD =D) om ‘— Sim Thechoicest of all SMOKING TOBACCOS WES é J 20z.Trial Package tA — for 25. cts =I, Rte RBURG BROS NAETINORE erie pa! ber cc0 eo" yantenesettElDtte a Succe FOR PITCHER’S (asiaria Castoria promotes Digestion, and overcomes Flatulency, Constipation, Sour Stomach, Diarrhoea, and Feverishness. Thus the child is rendered healthy and its sleep matural, Castoria contains no Morphine or other narcotic property. “ Castoria is so well ada pted to children that ha commend it as sy to any prescription own to me, ll - A. ArcnErR, M.D. 2 I entiend: Ave., Brookly n, N. YY. “T use Castoria in m racti ce, and Specially adapted to affections or Pehikives . ALEX, aye M. D., 057 2d Ave., New York. THE CENTAUR Co., 77 Murray St., N. Y. RM RRR {doz. Case, $15.00 | JOS. FLEMING & SON, | | IN: DESIGN: SHS bag HIP, > STRENGTH THE: ACME OF | Bi(yaE: CLE ‘PERFECTION aie a) Boston. New York. San Francisco. paneer I OVERMAN WHEEL CO. Makers of Victor Bicycles. Chicago. PACIFIC COAST: Los Angeles. Denver. @; Detroit. Portland. **For Purity, ** For Excellence of the and Size of GUARANTEED ABSOLUTELY Leghorn, Italy. Product PURE BY *) fiw \ Bromo-Seltzer * A woman’s shoulders are not as broad as her husband’ Ss; HIS PROFESSIONAL INSTINCTS TOUCHED. IRATE LAWYER. — See here! have you been fishing again ? sir; but there are ex- tenuating circum- stances connected with the case. ‘| I. L. — What are | they, Sir? O. B. I did n't catch any fish, Sir. I. L.—Sentence sus- pended, Sir. With its 40 years’ record Cvok's Extra Dry l.uperial Champagne is first in the list. No sparkling wine in use is its super rior. High- living disorders quickly corrected by Trial Size 's; but she can carry more more chips ¢ on them.—Afc hison G lobe. Rae’ s Lucca Oil The recreation a - Received the following awards at the COLUMBIAN EXPOSITION. Sweetness, and Fine, Olive Flavor.’ Manufacture.” i © , 7 Established 1836. THE pugilist makes his m vark by dotting eyes; the merchant by crossing his te as.— Adams Freeman. PAPER WAREHOUSE. 31, 33,35 & 37 East Houston St., Puck Bldg., | BRANCH WAREHOUSE: 20 Beekman St., f NEW YORK. All kinds of Paper made to order Wilson’s Common-Sense Ear ment. WILS Write for Pamphlet. ON KAR DRUM CO., THE DruUMIN POSITION. 1122 Broadway, N. Y. HENRY LINDENMEYR & SONS, and Head Noises relieved by using rums. New se lentific invention, —s dif- devices. Aesiet ‘the deaf when all other devices fail, and where medical skill has given no relief. Safe, comfortable, invisible, have no wire or string attach- U Lou. Trust Co. Building, Louisville, Ky. Mention Puck. _ WRINKLES REMOVED sy LATEST scientific methods ; regu- | lar physicians. 20 years’ experience. JOHN H. WOODBURY, 127 W. 42d St., N. Y., inventor of petesnntntenihol 8 Facial —— AOLDEN.ASE PRODUCED BY THE FRENCH ORNATURAL PROCESS OF FERMENTATION IN BOTTLE, EQUAL IN QUALITY AND CHEAPER THAN IMPORTED, tuGHEST AWARD AT COLUMBIAN EXPOSITION, Ou cannot getit of your Geatery a ress, HAMM NOSPORT WINE CO. HAMMONDOSPORT,N.Y, Pears’ Pears’ soap has no free al- Nel- ther reddens kali in it. nor roughens the skin. BREAKFAST—SUPPER. Errs'S CRATEFUL — COMFORTING. COCOA | | OrFicé-Boy.—Yes, | BOILING WATER OR MILK. CVTTTVVVVSVVVBVEC,S Greatest Value Ever Offered in é € PURE CALIFORNIA WINES. @ for a Case of one dozen full ¢' $3. 00 as See either one kind Cc. AT AWBA, MADFIRA, MUSCA- TEL AND MALAGA. SHOWELL & FRYER, Limited Import ng Grocers and Wine Merchants, Cor. Juniper and Market Sts., Philadelphia, Pa. PORT, SHERRY, TOKAY, ANGELICA, 6 é BRAND OLLARS UFFS ’ At your Outfitters. SMALL SPACE —BIG TYPE. SHORT STORY —SOON TOLD GUARANTEED Collars and Cuffs. OUR SOUVENIR OF FASHIONS Will te!l the rest. Free py Mai. Read it at your leisure. CLUETT, COON & CO., Makers, TROY, N. ¥. Send $1.25, $2.10, or $3.50 for a superb hon of candy by ex- press, prepaid, east of Denver or west of New York. Suitable for presents. Sample orders solicited. Address, Cc. F. GUNTHER, Confectioner, 212 State St. Chicago. FITTED WITH BALL BEARINGS AND Gamescne. |W AUU] |=] Le MICHIGAN WHE EL Go. LANSING. MICH — 50 —

Page 14

Instantly Relieved And Speedily Cured by Giticura WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS A warm bath with CUTICURA SOAP, and a single application of CUTICURA, the great skin cure, will afford instant re- lief, permit rest and sleep, and point toa speedy, economical, and permanent cure of the most distressing of itching and burning skin and scalp diseases, after all ; other methods fail. Sold throughout the world. British depot: F.N & Sons, London. Potter \ Davo & Cue. Corp., Sole . Proprietors, Boston, U. 8. A. FORSTNER | ~ AUGER BIT. It bores round, oval, and square holes as smooth and polished as a gun barrel. Especially adapted for fine car- entry, cabinet, or pattern work. Sample sent on receipt of 5 cents. Liberal discounts to the trade. Send for price- list. For sale by all Hardware Dealers. THE BRIDGEPORT GUN IMPLEMENT CO.. 313 and 315 Broadway, New York.

DON’T PAY ACENTY YUL SEE IT, Ourlatestimported stone puzzles diamond experts. You cannotdetect from ihe genuine. T¢ introduce this new stone we will send for 30 days this ring or stud by express C. O. D. for$1.65. You examine, if not equal in appearance to a #40 ring don’t take it. If satisfactory pay the agent $1.45. Order quick. Send mea sure.Cash With Order Saves All Cha » Catalogue Free. NATIONAL JOBBING CO., 55 State Street, (hicago, I)

VERY. The turkey at the boarding-house Was blue as he could be; ‘¢If you should ask me how I am, I’m feeling tough,” said he. —Detroit Free Press. SCOTCH BLoop. Mr. O’CorkK.—It ’s happy Oi am to make y’r acquaintance, Mr. McCallum. Oi hov Scotch blood in my veins, too. Mr, MCCALLUM.— Have you, really? Mr. O’CorkK.— Sure, did n’t Oi fall in love wid me woife phwin Oi saw her dancin’ th’ Hoighland Fling ?— Mew York Weekly. No Love Lost. TWEEZER. — Swales is your first cousin, is n’t he? WILSEY.—Yes; but you can bet he’d be my last if I’d had any say in the matter.—South Boston News. Asa sure specific against all troubles of the stomach, and also as an appetizer, and for the preparation of the refined drinks of the bar, nothing is superior to BokeEr’s BITTERS. Renowned since 1828. cays 14 KARAT <2

i CUT THIS OUT and send it to Rs us with your name and address X and we will send you this beautiful gold finished watch by express foi examination. You examine it at the express office, and if you think ita bargain pay our sample price Mm $2.75, and it is yours, It ismagni- A ficently —— — ual in “a appearance to a genuine Solid Geld wateh, A cue for five years with every watch, write to-day, mention whether you want gents’or ladies’ size. THE NATIONAL MFC. Kom & IMPORTING CO. $34 Dearborn St.,Chicago, KEEPERS FRIEND METAL POLISH. Best and cheapest. 1-lb. box 25c. at dealers. Sample free. G. W. HoremMan, Mfr., 295 E. Wash. St., Indianapolis,

SEE Sure relict KIDDER'S PASTILLES.: coders ASTHMA. harlestown, Mass, °

Tilus. cat’log

ye SU SS Lat OR Food is fuel to the body. ‘«‘Best”’ Tonic, Pabst Malt Extract, secures perfect con- sumption of this fuel; hence perfect health, strength and beauty. It soothes the most wakeful to delicious slumber. At Druggists.

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~ a 30 cents. All Dealers. phbibhbhbiihibbhbhbbbhibbhbthihi hihi trbtrtrtbbbhbobbbbhbooe VvvrTrVrVYTeeerrrrrrervrvrvrvervrvrvrvrevrevrevrevrevrevyreVyeVyVve Vee Ve

ee ee ee eS ee ee ee Pictures in Colors and Black-and-White, 4SOOOO5 6OOO6O66 6464564666646 446 446 6b bbb AA AAA AAD AAA AAA AS PUCK SEES IT. 64 Pages of By Fred. B. OPPER. This world thinks it’s a solid world, a serious old planet, And thinks the universe stands round in wonderment to scan it — It thinks it is a solemn thing, a thing extremely solemn, And never dreams its polar hub is but a funny column — And that’s the reason I am here to hold the glass up to it, And show it how ridiculous it ’s been and never knew it — And while I hold my mirror up, I’m willing to bet money, This funny, funny, funny world will know that it is funny. Puck. Address: PUCK, N. Y. ahbbbbihbhbbbbbbobobbbbb bbb tt bbe ty bo br bn bn bn bn bn tn VuUVVvVVTVVTVvVvVvVvVVvVVvVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVwTT?

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—— “Remington” to the “R ° { 99 SS CMing On means for Bicycles what it means for firearms—the Standard of Excellence. Remington reliability is the feature of the ‘‘Remington” Bicycle. Repair shops do not flourish because of Remington mistakes. The wonderful facilities of the great Remington Arms Co. are all at the service of ‘‘Remington” Bicycles. The samme perfect knowledge of materials, the same high degree of proficiency in work- men, the same scientific accuracy of adjustment and proportion that are devoted to its world- renowned rifles and guns are applied to its Bicycles. Is it Strange that “Remingtons” are to the F ront? Send for Handsomely Illustrated Catalogue—FREE. Agencies Arranged in Unoccupied Territory. REMINGTON ARMS CO., - - 313-315 Broadway, New York.

mY N ~ \W J 4 COPYRIGHT, 1896, BY KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN, A WHOLESALE POISONER. Tue Heap oF THE Housk.— Wow! where did you get this forty-five cent claret ? Mrs. CHEAPLEY.— From an Italian, dear ! Tue Heap oF THE House (writhing ’.—1’ll bet ten to one he’s a lineal descendant of the Borgias.

BEARS™PALM TorPURITY awo EXCELLENCE AO LIEBIG Buy the Genuine, “Blue Signature Brand,” Known ‘round the world as the best. with blue signature of Justus von Liebig. DavuGHTER.— The paper says that edible snails are advertised in English restaurants. _— a —- Otp Lapy.— Land sakes! Who’d ever ’a’ thought that edible snails were fit to eat ?—New York Weekly.

H°TEL TRAYMORE Appointments complete. THE HOTEL TRAYMORE Co. MOTHERS BE SURE AND USE MRS. WINSLOW'S SOOTHING SYRUP for children teething. It soothes the child, softens the gums, allays all pain, cures wind colic and diarrhw@a. 26 cents a bottle, Atlantic City, N. J- Location unexcelled. D. S. WHite, Jr., Manager.

Page 15

leans cakes. ington”’ n work- ; world. it? York. nd,” Bo orld kly. N. J. d. nager. Are you Thinking The Summer Abroad? If so, why not have PUCK accom. pany you on your travels? Copies will be mailed, for any period of time, to any part of the world, and the address will be changed as often as desired. Subscription to all Foreign Countries (postage Price included), $6.00 per year ; $3.00 for six months; $1.50 for three months; less than three months, 12 cents per week. l'o any part of the United States, Canada or Mexico, $5.00 per year; $2.50 for six months; $1.25 for three months; less than three months, 10 cents per week. Address: Puck, New York. A MELANCHOLY DIFFERENCE. Oh, man with loads of vulgar ‘* tin,” What contrast sad is shown 3v your manner while you blow it in “And your manner when it's blown! p — Washington Star. ary itd Comfort irs and Strength in Mat Cuticura esis Plaster Beecham’s pills for consti- pation 10c. and 25% Get the book at your druggist’s and vo by it. Annual sales more than 6,000,000 boxes. PPEES fan ANNUAL, “The Leading American Seed Catalogue.”’ A handsome book of 174 pages with many new fea- tures for 1895. It tells all about the Best Seeds that grow. «any seed planter is welcome to a copy FREE. W. Atlee Burpee & Co., Phila. PATENT COVERS FOR FILING PUCK, 75 Gents. By Mail, 90 Cents, Address, H. WiMMEL. Puck Building, N. Y. CRIMSONBEAK.— That Miss Fussan- feather lives entirely in the past. YEAST.—You don’t tell me! ‘*Yes; she says she is twenty yet.”— Yonkers Statesman. °° IN “HANKS.” \SSORTED YARNS from “PUCK.” By ‘* PUCK’S*? AUTHORS. ‘ ILLUSTRATED BY ‘‘PUCK’S” ARTISTS. j /n Paper, 50 Cents. In Cloth, $1.00. “SOME NEW In Paper, 50 Cents, “ HALF-TRUE TALES.” STORIES FOUNDED ON FICTION. By C. H. AUGUR. ILLUSTRATED ey C. J. TAYLOR. ‘n Paper, 50 Cents. In Cloth, $1.00. of Spending | THE ‘400’ By C. J. TAYLOR. A Collection of Clever Drawings and Witty Dialogues carefully selected from “ PUCK.” Printed on heavy plate paper, and bound in board covers with cloth back. Price, One Dollar. JERSEY ARABIAN NIGHTS.” By R. K. MUNKITTRICK. ILLUSTRATED By S. EHRHART. ONE is a tea-set, and the other a THE supply of newspapers in this country . appeats to be considerably in excess of the news. settee. Arrange the conundrum to suit ’ a —West Uniwn Gazette. yourself.— Zexas Siftings. ‘ - 7 “i The fashionable ladies’ corrective tonic is Angostura Bitters, the wo. Id-renowned tonic of Dr. J. G. B. Sie- Natural domestic Champagnes aie now very popular. A called gert & Sons. Ask your druggist. fine brand “Golden Age” is attracting attention. rin BUFFALO LITHIA WATER 3" - 2. A SOLVENT FOR STONE IN THE BLADDER. Dr. B. J. Weistling, of Middletown, Pa., states: “Experience in its use in Stone in the Bladder, in my own person, enables me to attest the effi- T in this painful malady. After cacy of the ER having been Subjected to suf- ferings, the intensity of which cannot be described, I have, under the influence of the water, passed an ounce of Calculi (Uric Acid), some of which weighed as much as four grains, affording inexpressible relief and leaving me in a condition of compara- tive ease andcomfort. **On one occasion I Fee ee thirty-five Calculi in forty- eight hours. The appearance of this Calculus Nuclei indicates unmistakably, I think, that they were all component particles of one large Calculus, destroyed by the action of the water, by means of solution and disintegration. At my advanced period of life (I am seventy-seven years and six months of age), and in my feeble general health, a surgical ope ‘ation was not to be thought of, and the water seems to have accom- plished all that such an operation, if successful, could have done.” The above plate is from a photograph, and represents the exact sice and shape of some of the Calculi passed by Dr, Weistling. This Water is for sale by druggists generally, or in cases of one dozen half-gallon bot- tles $5.00 f.0.b. at the Springs. Descriptive pamphlets sent to any address. THOMAS F. GOODE, Proprietor, Buffalo Lithia Springs, Va. 3! vil) i nh tl A Human Beinc Wirt Two Heaps On One Pair or SHOULDERS. | ryuwyvs AND OUT.” We hold over 7000 letters from Eminent Doctors PROVING THE IDEAL, TONIC | Body and | Brain To Fortify Mailed Free. : Descriptive Book with Testimony and } Portraits OF NOTED CELEBRITIES. Beneficial and Agreeable, : Every Test Proves Reputation. Avoid Substitutions. Ask for‘ Vin Mariani.’ At Druggists and Fancy Grocers. MARIANI & CO., Paris. 4! Pd. Maussmann, 52 W. 15th St., New Tork. Lon pon » Oxford tt THE Kiss SCIENTIFICALLY CON- SIDERED, MorHer. — What noise in the parlor? STubIlOUs Boy (whe goes to school). and young man changing microbes. —WV. VY. Week/y. 4 Trilby. lf Trilby, idol of the hour, Could make the soul rejoice, And sway hearts with the magic power, Aud beauty of lier voice, — She might have charmed both, don’t you (Let critics sneer and carp) [sec Ten thousand times as quick, if she Iiad used 7he Autoharp. Autoharps range from $1.50 to $1s0. Send for illustrated catalogue, ‘How the Autoharp captured the family.” Alfred Dolge & Son,121 E. 13th St., New York: ’s that smacking — It’s sister hei ex- Be $2 49 CASH WITH ORDER a * buys this Automatic, Self Cocking, Ves Nickle Plated, Rubber Handled, 6 Shot ® Revolver, 32 or 88 (. F., or send 50 cts. and A we will ship C. 0. D. $1.99 and allow ex- ag amination. FIRE ARMS CO.,Winston, N. C. Thomas Beecham, the manufacturer of the world-fumed Beecham’s Pill, is slways in the front rank of progress Lie foresees what is wanted and comes in on the “crest of the wave” of popular demand, Now he is putting up these pills in a neat, little wooden bottle (ten cents each), just the thing for the vest pocket. In fact, he could n't hit on a mere con venient or more needed package for the traveler, or the busy man in office or workshop Beecham seems to study the interest of his customers both physically and financially, and the ten-cent package of this sterling remedy for constipation and biliousness, and kin dred complaints, is an earnest of his desire to supply tLeir every need We predict az enormous sale of this Ive, package of Beecham's Pills, perhaps even greater than the regular 26e size, although the latter contains more pills proportionately, und is, therefore, cheaper for those who have proved their merits. All druggists are now suppiled with both sizes Write to The B. F. Allen Co., 3 book on Beecham’s Pills + Canai St., New York, for the ij o> > ODAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADAAAAADDADAALAAAA AALS 56 Pages (Puck Size) In Colors and in Black-and-White. by F. Al. Howarth **MAVERICKS.” SHORT STORIES ROUNDED UP By ‘* PUCK’S’’ AUTHORS. ILLUSTRATED BY ‘‘PUCK’S” ARTISTS. In Paper, 50 Cents. Ln Cloth, $1.00. All Dealers. In Cloth, $1.00 ' As toward the North from tropic climes The Summer is ex route, These books are for sale by all Book- | sellers at the advertised prices. Mailed | F by the publishers on receipt of price. Address: PUCK, New York. YOUTH paints the | circus bill for old age | to tear down. — Jexas | | Siftings. | SHORT SIXES DIES! yh i? By Mail 30c. = Address: Puck, N. \. —— OO OOSO6$049000000000009006 66050966 600669600606000006 MOMENTOUS QUESTION. The question rises: Will there be A Trilby bathing-suit ?—Cincinnati Tribune. By H. C. EUNNER. | ALMOST? all actresses are either married, or Paper, - 50c. just getting over it.— Cloth, e $1.00. | {tchison Globe By H. C. BUNNER. 50c. $1.00, Paper, - Cloth, -

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TEACHER. — First brigade in spelling take their places. Attention, company! A TRIAL BY COURT-MARTIAL.— Charge, pares ‘‘ Hookey’’ and Throwing Paper ellets. The Drum will super- sede the School Bell. MILITARY DESIGNS [GINGERBREAD In disgrace. How the ‘‘militarizing '’ movement will probably affect the neighborhood ot our schools. When our schools are ‘‘ militarized’ the Boards of Education will have to ‘‘ militarize” themselves, too, when they make their periodical visits. THE MOVEMENT TO “MILITARIZE” OUR SCHOOLS — A SHORT LOOK AHEAD. COPYRIGHT, 1895, BY KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANK.