Puck 1887-09-07: Vol 22 Iss 548

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VOL. XXII.—No. 548. NEW YORK, SEPTEMBER 7, 1887. PRICE, TEN CENTS. a See TT TRADE MARK REGISTERED 1878. PUCK BUILDING, Cor. Houston & Mulberry Sts KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN, Publishers. ENTERED AT THE POST OFFICE AT WEW YORK, AND ADMITTED FOR TRANSMISSION THROUGH THE MAILS AT SECOND CLASS RATES. 1 » 7 “ Y A QUEER FLIRTATION.

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ES SEE SORE eB 5 Stn _Ae= DE a ' . ee ae ee a eb ae tek oe ot SE Sa POT pepaeswee 7 ~ whey vt]: (rte whe he a PUCK. PUCK, PUBLISHED EVERY WEDNESDAY, from the PUCK BUILDING, New York. Publishers and Proprietors, - Foseph Keppler. A. Schwarzmann. Editor, - - -~ - «= - CC. Buane. Wednesday, September 7th, 1887.—WNo. 548. n THE doubtful year before a presidential campaign the entire political wisdom of the country breaks loose, and the yelp of the prophet is heard in the land. The prophet is ‘‘knowing.” In the words of a popular song, he knows it all. If you suggest that Mr. Cleveland is a popular man; that he has the favor of the plain, solid voting citizens, he nods his head and cocks his eye with deep significance, and says: “Wait till you hear from the Labor Vote, my boy!” If you say that it is possible that the Republican party may put forward a respectable candidate in June, he tells you, with a wink cf deep meaning: ‘‘ They ’ve got to put up a candidate to suit the Prohibitionists, or they may as well give up the game.” * * * The political prophet is a worn and weary old impostor. He lives only to be “‘interviewed” by reporters in search of space-filling matter. His talk is cheap, and any body may have it. And like most cheap talk, it is cheap because it is worthless. ‘This wiseacre, who has been forty years in politics, and who knows all the ropes, can no more forecast the future than you or I. We are but plain citizens; yet, when you come to think of it, in the end the decision of all great political questions rests with us. It is our votes that will elect the next President and the next congress, ‘This is something that we too often forget. We are accus- tomed to credit the politician with a power which he does not possess, We take him at his own valuation, and overlook the fact that what license he has he gets from us. We need to be reminded of the great and interesting truth that when it comes to a contest between the people and the politicians, the politicians have no choice but to go to the wall. This was shown, and pretty clearly shown, at the last general election. Then we had a combat of the people against the most astute political specula- tors in the country. The politicians played every trick they knew: they tried their best to hoodwink the people; they bought and sold votes; they struggled for dear life. They were defeated. They had a predesti- nate majority against them. ba : * It is all very well to talk wisely, at this stage of the game, of the strength or weakness of the Prohibition vote, the Labor vote, the Irish vote or the German vote. These catch-phrases of the professional poli- ticians have but small application to the real issue involved. Not one of these votes, so-called, is done up in a brown-paper parcel, ready to be de- livered to the highest bidder. Men of all nationalities, sects, professions and trades are capable—all save the most foolish among them—of for- getting a small allegiance to be true to a greater. When the time comes around again when we must choose a President of the United States, he will be chosen by the vote of the citizens of the United States; and in that vote there will join Prohibitionists, laborers, Irishmen, Germans, and all sorts and conditions of men, Successful rebellion becomes revolution, and successful theft becomes a financial transaction. The line of demarcation is not always sharply de- fined; and in these operations there is often a period when their status is not thoroughly assured. It may take some little time to determine whether Mr. Henry S. Ives is a thief or a financier; whether he is sublime or ridiculous. This is one of the distinct advantages of operating on a large scale. The morality of the operation does not differ much from that method of gaining a livelihood which Fagin recommended to Mr. Clay- pole as “the Kinchin lay.” ‘‘The Kinchins, my dear,” said Fagin, “is the young children that’s sent on er1ands by their mothers, with sixpences and shillings; and the lay is just to take their money away—they ’ve always got it ready in their hands—then knock ’em into the kennel, and walk off very slow, as if there was nothing else the matter but a child fallen down and hurt itself.” Neither in morality nor method do Mr. Ives’s ways and means of doing business differ much from ‘‘the Kinchin lay.” The trouble with that *‘lay” was that it wasn’t broad enough to become an “‘operation.” It is not quite easy for an unprejudiced observer to see why extensive crime should be condoned, while petty theft is vigorously pun- ished; but if extensive crime were not often condoned, Mr. Ives and his kind would be much less likely to enter into their peculiar operations. Both sympathy and surprise have been freely expressed concerning the worthy people who associated with Mr, Ives in his transactions, to find at last that he has not only stolen their purses, but smirched their good names. The sympathy is misplaced. Mr. Ives was not a man with- out reputation. He had a reputation, and a very bad one. The people who associated with him in his business enterprises quite understood that. They quite expected that Mr. Ives would steal, but they fully expected that he would divide with them. Smith was quite sure that Mr. Ives would clean Jones out very completely; but as the confidential friend of Mr. Ives, Smith fully expected a part of the Jones plunder; while Jones was equally confident that Mr. Ives meant to deal fairly by him; and he had already planned how to invest the money which was to be stolen from Smith. It is with pained surprise that they both find that Mr. Ives has stolen impartially from every body, and that there is to be no division of booty. And they deserve condemnation and not sympathy. They made this wretched business possible; because they were willing to aid an unscrupulous man, in the hope that they might share his ill-gotten gains. Having advanced money to the plausible burglar to buy a kit of tools to break into their neighbor’s house, they find on their own broken doors the marks of the tools which they purchased. The competition for the MIDSUMMER PuCK PRIZE PUZZLE closed on the Ist of September. In our issue of September 14th the names of the successful competitors will be given. It has been suggested to us that the period allowed for the solving of our pictorial problem was too short, and that the readers of the MIDSUMMER PucK ought to have had more days Lo spend in cutting and piecing together the wild com- bination of heads. Of course, any such extension of time would have been unjust to those who have struggled for the first prize. According to the terms of our propo- sition, all who sent in correct 1econstructions of the puzzle-sheet before September Ist are entitled to an equal share in the $500-prize-fund; and all such winners will be paid as soon as we can examine the lists received. We know, however, that there may be many belated puzzlers, and for their sake, we extend the time of com- petition for the second prize—an unlimited award—to October Ist. Any person sending us forty faces correct!y reconstructed, before October Ist, 1887, will win a year’s subscription to Puck’s Liprary, issued monthly. MONOPOLY AGAINST THEIR GRAIN. N S. 3} 5 Yuk 1) “Sen RAN aoe oll TN 0 NEES +A GS “4 A cay LE TO MINNEYAPG2, CG Ai wa iiiienly y fed Pee: } I) oe re ie Mrs . ‘ is = Lit Life ae ~ wa ¢£ | oe DOU i But They ’re Bound to Get There Just the Same.

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A Crumpled Rose-Leaf. Miss Pompon.—Oh, I do feel that I owe Mr. Tandem such an apology! Younc Mr. F. (her companion ).—Why, my dear Miss Pompon, you quite surprise me! Miss Pompon.—Oh, but it is such a blow! Mr. F. — What, pray? I am positively alarmed. Miss Pompon.—Why, I fancied Mr. Tandem’s coach had a dark-green body. Mr, F.—Oh, and the bright-red does not please you so well? Miss Pompon.— Oh, it is not that—but don’t you see? I have arranged my costume in Charles X. pink! * * * Box Seat Brilliancy. Miss Gusuincton (who goes in for fascina- ting ignorance).—Oh, how charming this is! Fancy. owning such a coach and such lovely horses, too! Mr, Tanpem.—Yes; one needs the horses, for a fact. Miss Gusuincron.—Oh, yes—and they are such beauties, too—I just love these bays next to us! Mr. T.—You mean the wheelers—they ’re chestnuts, though— Miss G.—Oh, are they? I sever can tell the difference; and, oh, are they off or nigh? Mr, T.—Why, one you know, is off, and the other nigh. Miss G.—Why, of course! I am so wretch- edly stupid. Mr, T.—Oh, don’t mention it! Miss G.—Oh, but I am—and do tell me which is the off horse? Mr. T. (pointing ).—This one. Miss G,—Is it, really? How very interesting! Mr. T.—Oh, not at all! Miss G.—But it is, you know—and that, of course, is the nigh one. PUCK. A COACHING TRIP. Mr. T.—Naturally. Miss G.—Oh, yes—and why, please? Mr. T. (feebly brilliant ).—Oh, possibly, be- cause he’s further from the whip! Miss G.—How very odd! Mr. T.—Yes; it is odd. Miss G.—Oh, extremely odd! Mr. T.—Yes. Miss G.—And you are the whip? Mr. T.—Oh, come now, really, Miss Gush- ington ! Miss G.—Oh, I know you are. ways heard you were such a whip! ms ° % On the Roof. Miss Titsury (one of the other sort).—l’ve been watching the off leader, Mr. Cropper, and I’m quite sure he interferes with his left hind- hoof. Mr. C,. (admiringly).—Now, do you know I should never have discovered that? Miss T.—Should n’t you, really? I noticed it at once. He’s a fine beast otherwise. Mr. C.—Yes, he goes well with his fellow. Miss T.—Oh, they ‘re matched to a hair! Mr. C.—Yes, of course. Miss T.—Do you bag, Mr. Cropper? Mr. C. (who zs not of the hunting set).— Well, no, hardly—that is, not much, you know. Miss T.—You ought—it ’s such sport. Mr. C.—Oh, yes, quite. Miss T.—Oh, thorough. Criss-cross club. Mr. C.—Do you, really? Miss T.—Yes; I’m trying a new mare now for the next meet. Mr. C.—It is so! Miss T.—Yes; I do her across country every day when I am at home. Mr. C.—How do you find her? Miss T.—Oh, fairish—a poor jumper, though. Mr. C.—Ah, that ’s rather bad. I have al- I side with the 19 Miss T.—Oh, very bad. How many bars do you take? Mr. C.—Well—er—really, you know, | go out so seldom, still—three. Miss T.—Three! Why, I take five and a barbed wire! Mr. C. (gasping ).—You don’t say so! * * * Real Pleasure of Coaching. Mrs. Marriep-BeLLe.——How charming the day has turned out! Mr, Brasf.—Ya’as, Mrs. M.—I quite trembled for my toilet this morning. Mr. B.—Yaz-as, it was rather threatening. Mrs. M.—And one has to coach, you know, rain or shine, Mr. B.—Oh, ya-as, indeed. That’s the sport. Mrs. M.—-Oh, do you think so? Mr. B.—Oh, ya-as, indeed, That ’s all I coach for. Mrs. M.—What, the rain? Mr. B.—No; because you have to go in any weather. Mrs. M.—How odd to like that! Mr. B.—Oh, ya-as; it’s like a dinner, you know. Mrs. M.—I don’t altogether follow. Mr. B.—Oh, if you accept you must go. Mrs. M.—Ah! Mr. B.—And you must be on time. Mrs. M.—Now I see. Mr. B.—Ya-as; gives a zest, you know. Mrs. M.—Then, I suppose, you only coach and drive? Mr. B.—That ’s about all. Mrs. M.—You might try running for a rail- way train. Mr. B.—Oh, too fatiguing and quite too common! Pour H. Wetcn.

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ne ee Se ee Be EST ee SL OS EE RE FO MY DACHSHUND. T May NoT be generally known that at the present time I am the possessor of a dachshund; but, never- theless, such is the case. I have owned him about a month, and have already had tons of honest enjoyment out of him. He is very queer and mirth-provoking, even for a dachshund. His stomach is n’t more than three inches from the ground, and he is something like four feet long. He has to look up in the air to keep his ears from trail- ing on the earth. We got him for the benefit of the baby, because he can only bark in German, and the in- fant can already cry a little in the same language. We have just made a blanket for him, and had his name embroidered on it. Wishing to get a name that would look right on the blanket and be long enough to fit the dog, we have called him Spiegelschnedderedengg. At first he troubled us a great deal at night by his howling; but we stopped that with a certain cough mixture, the name of which we will not mention for good and sufficient reasons, The mixture did n’t make him incapable of barking; but it had such a foul flavor that as soon as he saw us approaching with it he would fall down and go to sleep by an instantaneous process known only to himself. Striving after the unattainable has never been more faithfully and beautifully illustrated than by the average dog converting himself into a temporary vortex for the purpose of catching his stumpy tail. Every one who has seen a dog undergoing these maddening revolu- tions will remember that the stumpy tail keeps just out of reach. - But it was not so in the case of Spiegelschnedderedengg. He was so long that he could not only grasp his tail at will, but could knock flies off his face with it. He was a dead-shot; and the strangest part of it was that he never opened his eyes to take aim. In lying down he often curled up twice, and sometimes he would get so tangled that I would have to go and untie or unfold him when he woke up. When he sat on his haunches with his ears down, he did n’t look unlike a penguin; and when he hap- / ll i ; ip (ina enarat ’ le Ley amu fa " \ Hin TINT | I aa Alt WW b ef ms UU ynvat A\\\ax * %, “my a? HUMAN NATURE VS. THE ARTS. Irish Mopet.—Mishter Framer! Artist.— What is it, Dennis? Mopet.—Might Oi be bould enough to ax permissi’n to paralyze thot fly on me nose? I t’ink Aggymimnon wud do th’ sem ting, sor, PURE MILK. Miss Breezy (of Chicago).—Yes, we have difficulty in ob- taining pure milk, so much of it is watered nowadays. Miss SHawscarpen (of St. Louzs).—We have very little trouble in St. Louis. Miss Breezy.—No, I suppose not. In a place like St. Louis, everybody can keep his own cow, you know. pened to erect his ears while in this attitude, the average naturalist would put him down for a German hare. He is so long and low that he sleeps comfortably in a piece of sewer pipe in the back-yard. Into this abode of safety Spiegelschnedderedengg flies when pursued by less peaceful dogs than himself. And there he falls asleep while his pursuers fill the air with their impotent fury. We fre- quently put shawl-straps on him, and carry him about like a valise. In short, he takes the dog-biscuit—whenever it is offered him—if I may be pardoned for interpolating a joke which, I am proud to say, is not my own. He is intensely patriotic. Only the-other day he tore a French gram- mar to tatters, and then ran down into the cellar and fell asleep on some Kaiser beer bottles. One day I put some empty French mustard bottles where the Kaiser beer bottles had been lying, and he took a good sleep on them, under the impression that they were German mustard bottles. But when he found they had contained French mustard, he almost went mad. To pacify him, I gave him a handful of sauerkraut and read him one of Gellert’s poems. He immediately forgot all about the French mustard bottles, and greeted me with his politest little bow.* One of the funniest things about him is that it takes him so long to turn around. If he chases a cat, all the cat has to do is to turn and she is safe; for Spiegelschnedderedengg turns as slowly as the alligator, and very much on the same plan. When swimming he holds his ears up, and as the wind fills them he skims along like a yacht. When he wants to turn in the water he pulls one ear down, according to the direction he wants to take. Take him all in all, he is a comfort and a blessing. He is not a thing of beauty; but he is a joy forever. Treat him kindly, and never lift him by the ears like a rabbit, and he will make you feel that your expenses are decreasing and that your income is on the climb. We regard Spiegelschnedderedengg as a member of the family; but at the same time we keep the cold meat five or six feet from the floor, that he may not secure it simply by standing up on his hinder-legs. R. K. M. AN OPINION FROM NEW ORLEANS, Mipsummer Puck Is afloat In his boat On a lily-lake. On the cool, Shady pool, In his costunfe Of bloom, He certainly takes the cake. F. R. W. KEEPING IT UP. If any base-ball players die and go to Sheol, they will be able to practice picking up “‘ hot grounders.” * wow.

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FUNNY BUSINESS. SomME THOUGHTS ON THE CONSTRUCTION AND PRESERVATION OF Joxes. ITI,—Revamping Old Jokes. T orren happens that the humorist finds himself unexpectedly called | upon for jokes at a moment when he has no ideas about him. Perhaps he is away from his workshop where his tools are kept, or perhaps he has lost the combination of the safe in which his precious ideas are securely locked up. The problem of how to make bricks without straw, and the awful fate of the people who at- tempted it stares him in the face. But his keen intelligence comes to his aid. Like the trusty guide in Mayne Reid’s story he ex- claims: ‘‘ Ha, it is the celebra- wa ted joke-root bush, called by the | Apaches the ha-ha plant!” and, t| seizing an ancient jest, he tears it from the soil, carefully cleanses the esculent root from its cling- ing mould, and then proceeds to revamp it for modern use. The joke should be one that has slowly ripened under the es --—+-— .—-+ —!— suns of distant climes and other days. It should be perfectly | mellow, and care must be taken | | to remove from it all particles MN Hi of dust and lichen. Let us sup- : pose, for example, that the joke, divested of all superfluities, pre- sents this appearance: «* A man once gave his friend iiai a very small cup of very old wine, and the friend remarked that it was the smallest thing of \ vy) its age he had ever seen.” yj I have selected this joke be- 4) cause it is one of the oldest of \ which the world has any record. The world has known many changes since civilization reach- ed the point that made old wine an appreciated and acknowledged delight to the dwellers in the fertile valley of the Euphrates, and thus threw open the doors for the appearance of this joke. The dust of him who gave and of him who drank the wine are blended together in the soil of that once populous region. Stately sar- cophagi mark the last resting-places of many who have enjoyed this ancient bit of merriment. Empires have crumbled since then; mighty rulers have yielded the insignia of their power at the imperative summons of the conqueror of all, yet nothing has interrupted the stately solemn march of this joke along the corridors of time. It flourished in Byzantium; it lingered in tender caress on each of the seven hills of Rome; when Han- nibal led his cohorts across the snow-clad Alps, it step- ped out from behind a crag and said: ‘‘ Here we are again!” And the astonished warrior recognized it at once, although it wore a peaked hat and a goitre. It has awakened laughter among effeminate and refined Athenians as they lay stretched in languid and perfumed ease immediately after the luxurious bath, and about two hundred years before Christ. It has been said that cleanliness is next to godliness, and yet we find that in this instance there was room to slip this joke in between the two, and have two hundred years of space left. It is found in the sacred writings of Confucius, side by side with his memorable injunction to his followers not to shed a single cuff or sock unless the ticket should be forthcoming. Under the iron crown of Lombardy and the lilies of France this joke has lived and thrived. It has even been published in the Philadelphia Ledger, which is a sure proof of its antiquity. Surely no one but an American humorist could look upon this hoary relic without feelings of veneration. Let us see what the humorist does with it: That which has worn a toga in Rome and a coat of mail in the Middle Ages, he now clothes in the habili- ments of the present day. Watch him as he arrays it in a while. UWF, WZ i THE START. Miss Everetu (betrothed to Aucy).—Don’t you think the run will be too much for him, dear? only a puppy, you know. Autcy.—Oh, no! We can stop and rest him once Ill look out for him. PUCK. 21 in the high hat, the patent-leather shoes, the cutaway coat and eye- glasses of modern times, and behold we have: “Young Arthur Cecil, of the Knickerbocker Club, prides himself on his knowledge of wines, and boasts of a cellar of his own which can not Bilkins dined with him the other be matched on this side of the water. night, and as a great treat his host poured out into a liquor glass a few drops of priceless old— **T’ll tell you what it is, old man. He’s ON THE ROAD. Miss EveretH.—Why so silent, precious? Atcy.—I ’ve been thinking for the past half-hour whether it will be better to have the billiard-room floor laid in a Moorish or a Grecian pattern, Which do you prefer, little one? “‘There, my boy,” he exclaimed: ‘‘you’ll not find a drop of that anywhere in New York except on my table!” Bilkins took it down at a single gulp, smacked his lips and said: There ain’t many things lying around loose that are as old as this and have n’t grown any bigger.” The joke was too good to keep, and Cecil had to square himself at the club by ordering up a basket of Mumm. J. L. Fora. MISUNDERSTOOD. PuorocraPHer.—Will you have a full or a three-quarter view taken, sir? PortrcHester Visiror To THE Crry.—Look a’ here, you measly, oil-mouthed sun-trapper. I may have fiddler-crabs a- hangin’ on my eye- brows, Milton Point sea-weed twined in my hair, an’ a patch r’ caliker on th’ seat of my britches big ’nough ter carpet this air sky hot-house; but I want you ter understan’ that them same Knicky- bockys hez got mor’n seventy-five cents in ’em. Touch her off fer a full view! A POETESS HAS WRITTEN some lines entitled “A Dead Summer.” We wish somebody would kill this summer. [7 1s samp that one reason why St. John is a prohibitionist is because he can’t drink without getting his moustache in it. HEN A SHIP comes in collision with an ice- berg it ought not to be difficult for the passengers to keep cool. UT OF SIGHT is not out of mind in the case of the umbrella hanging on the restaurant peg. MESSENGER-BOY was seen running with fright- ful rapidity the other day. He had a mes- sage for a gentleman at the Polo Grounds, N THE case of each Chicago Anarchist we trust Justice may win by a neck, TRANGE AS IT may seem, the electric chandelier has become a gas fixture, HEN A MAN gets a hat on credit is he not over his ears in debt? NEGRO BARBER-SHOP must be a great place for wool-gathering. HE HAYSEED DRAMA naturally has a grass plot. Ha, ha! OAH DREW to pairs and got a full house. KE\ITUCKY MULE was recently overcome by the heat; but not un- til his hoofs had melted. ISTORY REPEATS IT- seELF, although there is much that it ought to be ashamed of,

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22 PUCK. THE PLAINT OF THE WIND-MILL. L. How Tre I am of standing here No matter what the weather, And seeing just the self-same things For days and weeks together! Il. This being perched upon a hill Most wearisome I’m finding; And how I hate the heaps of corn Which I’m forever grinding!

Ill. I’m tired of the bustling wind That keeps my sails all whirling ; I’d like to have some say myself In setting them a-twirling.

But most of all I’m wearied out With all those artist fellows, Who sit and daub, day after day, With reds and browns and yellows, I hate their painting jargon of ‘*Tones,” ‘‘shadows,” “lights” and ‘‘distance;” Had I my way, then every one I’d wipe out of existence, And “‘charming,” ‘‘ quaint” and “ picturesque ” I can’t hear without wincing ; And oft I wish I’d some way of My weary scorn evincing. IV. V.

vi. vil. But still I’d cheerfully bear all And my resentment smother, If every picture of me was Not different from the other. J, CampBeLt.

A LESSON IN NATURAL HISTORY.

EACHER.—By what name is the Cat known to zodlogists? What is his T legitimate professional appellation? Pupit.— Felis Domestica. T.—This is a pretty name. Is the animal generally known by it? P.—He is not. T.—Why is this thus? P.—Because the name fails to meet the requirements of every-day use. T.—Explain your meaning. P.—In moments of extreme emotion, man naturally expresses him- self in short, pithy sentences, made up of monosyllabic words. T.—Proceed. P.—The man who keeps a Fels Domestica has many moments of extreme emotion, during which he has frequent occasion to refer to the Felis, etc. On these occasions he does not feel like spending time enough to give it its full title, so he simply calls it a Cat. T.— Many other animals with : which we are familiar have gained their monosyllabic names in precisely the same manner, have they not? P.—Oxuz. All domestic animals have short names. T.—Give a few examples. P.—The dog, the mule, the fly, the flea, T.—Correct. What is the proper patronymic of the flea? P.—Pulex irritans. T.—Is he ever addressed by this endearing title? P.—Mighty seldom. T.—Suppose the hippopotamus or the rhinoceros, instead of leading the retired and unassuming lives which they at present seem to prefer, were to rmake the systematic torture of the human race the one object of their existence, Mt at what would occur? “ss P.—The honorable titles which __jIm~Q\/n" have been theirs from time immemorial Mm < \s Mish 7";

would be abbreviated. T.—If I were awakened at mid- night by the sound of an able-bodied hippopotamus clambering over my back-fence, and shrieking defiance to some hated foe, is it likely that, as I hurled the book-case or the stove at him, T should address him by his full name? P.—Hardly. Were the animal which you have used as an_llustra- tion to become domesticated, his name would have to have four syllables knocked off it in a very short time. off at cost.” Druceist.—Yes, sir. Druccist.—Yes, sir.

aS a a Surpius Stock. Customer (7 drug store).—I see you advertise “ selling Cusromer.—What are you getting for Dr. Dropsy’s Killemquick cure for consumption, large bottles? Druccist.—One dollar. Custromer.—But that ’s the same old price. ; We are selling off our one and two cent postage stamps at cost. line of them than the present stagnation warrants.

T.—Let us now return to the Cat. What is his leading character- istic ? P.—Lung power. T.—Were it possible to give an ordinarily robust cat a thorough musical education, what salary would ‘he be likely to receive to sing in German opera ? P.—Five thousand per night, and expenses for three persons. T.—What diet do you recommend for the Cat? P.—Paris green on toast. T.—That will do for to-day. F, A. Srearns,

MONG THOSE PEOPLE in New York who ought to be hanged are certain passengers on the Third Avenue elevated road who, when the train swings into the City Hall station, rise from their seats, The track just ap- proaching this station is something like a snake in shape. The result is, these people are thrown from one side to the other; they clutch the air wild- ly, tread on sensible passengers’ toes, and make themselves a terror general- ly. There are others in this city, of course, who ought to be hanged; but these should be hanged first. HE EDITOR OF ONE OF OUR great daily papers has, for a long time, had a column heading called ‘‘ Affairs of Women.” He recently moved into a double-house in the country, where there is a low separating fence between the back-yards; and he is going to dis- continue the department mentioned, for the reason that, if he should print all he hears, the libel suits would be piled on him like dew on the grass, HE OLDEST POSTMASTER in the coun- try is Roswelt Beardless, of North Lansing, Tompkins Co., N. Y. No, excitable reader, we are not going to spring any bald-headed joke on you, but simply want to continue to the effect that Mr. Beardless was appoint- ed in 1828, and calculates that, if all the stamps he has licked were placed in a straight line, they would reach from North Lansing, Tompkins Co., N. Y., to the end of one of Evarts’s sentences, HEN A FRIEND COMES IN and in- vites you to take a drink, just as you have finished writing an article, We are carrying a larger you jump at a conclusion.

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PUCK. 23 A SNAP. «Pax asout being bitten on wheat corners,” I heard an old man say T the other day, while seated on the piazza of a country hotel: “ Talk about losing every thing you put into it, and Having the mortifica tion of knowing some fellow got away with you in addition. Why, I tell you, | had an experience that for absolute downright cussedness was the very worst case of beat that any white man can conceive of.” “*1 did n’t know you ever speculated,” his companion remarked, “*T never did,” continued the old man: ‘but this once, and it cured me; yes, sir, it cured me for good; it showed me how blind a man can be to the very simplest details when the glittering possibility of a big profit is before his eyes. I was n’t taken in quite so badly as some of our Wall Street friends, because I did n’t have the capital; but, in proportion to our respective wealth, the ratio of effect on me was just the same.” Here he broke off for a mo- ment and walked up and down the room, laughing heartily to himself, which showed there was some point to his coming story, and indicating also that he had outgrown the de- pressing result of his loss. In a moment he resumed: *“*] was in California at the time, at a little place called ‘The Mission ;’ every body who has ever been to that glorious State will re- call this name at once. It’s a pretty place, and while J had no especial object in going there, yet | observed the exceeding innocence of the na- tives, and the idea suggested itself that an opportunity might occur to make a few dollars out of their in- nocence, and [ determined to bear it in mind, The Fourth of July was approaching, and an acquaintance I had made, a particularly verdant individual, I always had thought, remarked one evening just before the Fourth, that there was a glori- ous chance to do a little speculat- ing, if any one was so inclined and had the money to invest, incident- ally calling attention to his own lack of funds as the only hindrance to his taking advantage of the oppor- tunity, instead of giving it away to others. Of course, I was all atten- tion at once, and asked him what the idea was, *** Well, you see,’ he replied: ‘there is al-vays a scarcity of meat here, and it sells high; for that reason every body wants it. All the meat we have is brought in by wagons from the city; a lot came At the moment when she put it on the kitchen window- sill to coo]— —and took prompt and decisive measures— A174, '“Gze~- —and recklessly devoured it. HE NEVER SMILED AGAIN. Thompson’s dear little wife had taken two lessons at Mrs. Miéxer’s cooking-school, and thought she would make a peach pie, all by herself, to surprise her husband with, in to-day; there won’t be any more until after the Fourth; this is the second, Somebody could buy up all the meat in town and supply the rush to-morrow night and the next day, | tell you there’s big money in it!’ “It struck me the same way, and I engaged him then and there to go with me and make the purchases. In less than an hour I owned every chop and steak in the county. Then I sat down and chuckled over the prospective profits.” The old man stopped here for a moment to wipe his glasses, then he continued : “It was mighty lucky I laughed just at that time.” ** How so?” asked his friend. ““Because I did n’t have an- other chance. I lost all I put in it.” ““How in the world did you lose it?” ; “How? Well, because the Fourth came on Friday; every man, woman ‘and child in the township was a Catholic, and they ate noth- ing but salmon all day. On Satur- day my meat was fly-blown.” A. Curtis Bond. T ts all well enough to speak of the futility of building a house on sand; but how about the sea-side hotel, a quarter-of-a-mile long, that pays regular dividends? BOY RECENTLY shot himself through the hand, and an Irish surgeon cut that member off to pre- vent him getting lockjaw. That sur- geon will some day remove some one’s stomach to stop a sick-head- ache. —poor old Hungry Houlihan, the tramp, happened to be pass- ing, observed the action— Tt 1s the Mormon who does n’t believe in one at a time. HE SMALL FEET of American girls are out of all proportion to the immense largeness of the country. N THESE Days it would not be strange if some one adulterated the milk in the cocoanut. N THE MatTcH between Texas and Prohibition, it is foolish to buy Prohibition even for a place. FIGURING ON a Basis of two dol- lars each time, we estimate that Solomon paid out fourteen hundred dollars in marriage fees alone. —to secure a hot lunch,— THE CaINAMAN is a tea-totaler. = . t fi: ¥ FD F , — 28 f - 1 QQsler y ct aw. But let us not dwell on the painful scene that followed; his punishment was swift and terrible— the ecoking-school pie had done its deadly work.

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IT ton ) t Puck (to Physicians of the International Medical Congress at Was

PYC THE NATIONAL

Ws VEB

Sa Y Poe a BG 5 J f wos is <a Ls ” Trier ~ Pe nee = Adakt hale hk A * . ig

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L PPLITICAL MAD-HOUSE. at Washiagton ).— Gentlemen, can’t you do something for these poor unfortunates?

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26 PUCK. THE TALE OF THE BASKET-FLASK. AM A BASKET-FLASK. | hold a pint. I wish I held a quart, but I don’t. If I only did hold a quart my life would be an easier one. I would not fit into a hip pocket so easily, and then my life would be a much quieter and stay-at-home one. I used to belong to a drummer, ting out on a trip through Maine. He bought me just as he was set- He had never been in that state be- fore, and had heard there was no liquor to be had there. On leaving Boston he filled me with whiskey, or at least the bar-keeper did. I sup- pose it was whiskey, as I heard him tell the man to fill me with that article, When we arrived in Portland I was empty. He met a friend on the train. I felt much better when I was empty, for the liquor kept me in an uncomfortably wet state. Besides, | was always being tipped upside down when there was anything in me. I thought I was to be empty for some time, being in Maine, and congratulated myself on that fact. My owner attended to his business, and little did his custome-s know what lurked in his pocket. To my surprise, that night at the hotel, my drummer, after a whis- pered confab with the proprietor, walked down a flight of stairs along a narrow passage, and then followed the landlord into a little room vw. here he immediately fell over a barrel that served as the bar. Here, I knew by the sound, several drigks were taken, and once more I was filled with something which I should judge to be a compound of fusel oil and alcohol, for which my owner paid a dollar. ‘The idea of such stuff costing eight dollars a gallon! That night my possessor snored and was so restless that between the noise and the stuff inside me I could hardly rest at all. Our next stop was at Augusta, the home of the ‘‘ Plumed Knight.” I wish a little of the whiskey that was put inside me here could have been dropped on his plume. It would have drooped awfully, and its owner would be sure to vote ‘* No,” and not dodge on the constitutional amend- ment were it ever to come up again. By some chance my owner left me on the table of his room, when he started next day for Bangor, and I be- came the property of the landlord. The next few weeks I obtained a splendid insight into human nature. The legislature was in session, and I was loaned to and carried around in the pockets of scores of senators and representatives in that time, all of whom borrowed me confidentially of the landlord; and they all voted, by the way, for laws that should wholly prevent the selling of cider and liquor in the State of Maine. I was in the hip-pocket of one senator when he cast his vote. I heard one prominent politician tell another that the law was absurd and illogical. Yet, while he knew his constituents were against it, they did not have the moral courage to say so, and he had no choice in the matter, When the Senator, in whose pocket I was at the time, voted for the new liquor law I shook with laughter and spilled some of the liquor on his trousers. He had to hasten home and change HOME, SWEET HOME. Macistrate (sternly, to Tramp).—The address you give as your place of residence is a vacant lot. Tramp.—Yes, yer honor; that’s where I sleep nights. HH 4} UV) ii) Wy Hi _—_ i my {/ Hy a 2 A SEVERE DISAPPOINTMENT. Op Batpy.—What’s that pair worth, outside there? Deater.—Them ain’t for sale. Op Batpy.—Sorry for that. Kiralfy’s new ballet to-night! I was going to take in them before any one noticed the odor of whiskey. He was so mad that he drank all there was left in me. My humiliation was not yet complete. One night a professional prohibitionist tackled the landlord with an air of great secrecy, and said he had the rheumatism and wanted a little whiskey to put on his leg. I was again filled and handed to him. Once up-stairs in his room, he drank all there was in me and did n’t even rub me on his leg. I was growing, sick and tired of such duplicity, and was delighted when my original owner turned up and claimed me. He took me out of the state, very much to my satisfaction, for I hate bad whiskey, high prices, duplicity, false pretensions, and awful lies as badly as any other properly conducted flask that holds a pint. Clarence Stetson. THE ANTIQUITY OF BASE-BALL. Stupent.—The Romans played base-ball, I believe. Proressor or Ancient History.—They played games of ball; but there is no record of the use of bats. On what do you ground your belief? Srupent.—Did n’t they base prophecies on chickens’ e~trails? Proressor.—Assuredly. Stupent.—Well, they were their “‘ fowl-tips.” OF THE COMPOSITE ORDEh. F ALL the girls I ever knew, |’m sure I only worship two. O I have their picture in my mind, it is of the composite kind, My heart is very firmly set upon that precious blonde brunette, And all my happiness seems to lie in depths of that dear gray black eye. And, ah, what loveliness I trace upon that rounded oblong face! My kisses would not die of drouth if nestled on that full small mouth. My heart is caught as in a snare, in meshes of banged bangless hair; And purity, all must allow, is native on that low high brow. I read my fate, as in a book, all in that serious smiling look. What ringless ears with ear-rings neat, and dimpless chin v ith dimple sweet ! Ah, how my admiration grows in looking at that long pug nose! Jane and Maria, won’t you list the praises of a dual-ist, Who would his constant worship prove by years of most conglomerate love ? And may you in the future grand yield him that chubby tapering hand. A. W. Bellaw.

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PUCK. 27 SOME SHOES FOR BABY. $4) ill t AK ; Ht coy Heit qi a HE Door opened, and a worried-looking little woman trundled a baby- T carriage into the store. She was accompanied by a great big red- faced man, evidently her husband (the kind meek little women al- most invariably pick out), and a lank, hatchet-faced, sour-visaged female, beyond all manner of doubt baby’s aunt on the father’s side. The clerk left off scraping the sole of a shop-worn shoe with a piece of glass, and hustled forward with his most enticing smile, After that it went something like this: Cierx.—Good afternoon. Something in shoes to-day? Mama.—Yes. The baby has got to have something. through shoes so fast. Parpa.—Somethin’ ’t 7]l wear more ’n a week, too. shoes all the whole darn time. . AuntTIE (sotto voce).—I don’t believe this is the place where Matilda got the shoes for her baby. Cierx.— Would you like a soft sole? Parpa.—No; we don’t want no soft sole. Give us suthin’ ’t’ll stand that kid more ’n twenty minutes. None o’ your paper shoes—let ’s see some calf-skin. Auntie anp Mama.—What! For the dady? Cierx.—We have some nice things in medium weight for children. What color do you prefer? Mama.—I think white is pretty. Auntiz.—Oh, I like bronze so much better! Parpa.—Now, don’t go to makin’ that child look outlandish! Don’t get nothin’ but jest black! (Cierk pulls down a box of assorted colors for them to select from.) Mama.—Oh! Is n’t this one pretty? Auntiz.—Yes; but white soils so easily. Do try this bronze one! Crierx.—Terra cotta is a nice color for children. Auntit.—Oh, we would n’t have that horrid color! Mama.—Oh, my, no! Para.—lIn course not. Cierx.—Nice little fellow, is n’t he! Mama.—Yes; she is a good child. See is a pitty itty dirl, is n’t see, baby? Auntiz.—Is see doin’ to have some shoozes for her itty tootsey wootsies? Baspy.—Eh-uh—Eh-uh—Eh-uh—E-h-h-h-h-h-h! Aunty anp Mama.—There, there! Did the big man frighten her? Poor little girl! Crierx.—Good-natured child ! Mama.—Yes, usually; but she has been sick for two or three days, and is just a little peevish. : Basy.—Nglah—Z-h-h-h—E-h-h-h— W-o-0-0-0-o— Auntie.—There, there; don’t cry. Here’s a nice cracker for her. Para.—Well, come; are you going to pick out them shoes some time to-day? Mama.— Oh, dear me, yes. Auntiz.—Try this one on. (Cerk ¢rzes zt.) Basy.—Nah—wooh— Yah—nc—O-O-O-O0-O-O! Mama.—Poor little dear—let me try. Why, I never can get this one on her; she has such a fat little ankle, ’twould never button in the world. Try another. ( They try nine pairs.) Auntie.—This one will do by changing the buttons some, Papa.—Well, how much are they? She does go I can’t be buyin’ I don’t know which to choose! Crerx.—Fifty cents. Auntie, Mama anv Papa.—Fifty cents! Crerx.—That is very low for so good a shoe as that. Papa.—Well, we won’t pay that for ’em ’f ’tis. Auntiz.—Why, Matilda only paid twenty-five cents for hers; and they look a heap sight better’n these! Crerx.—Let me show you something cheaper, Mama.—No; nothing else will suit. Auntiet.—This is the first place we ’ve been in, any way, and I guess we better kind a look ’round a little. Papa.—lI ’ll give you just thirty cents for those shoes, Crierx.—No, thank you. Papa.—Well, come on, then. And the little procession moved slowly out, while the clerk picked up the scattered shoes, and wondered vaguely in his heart of hearts if shoe- dealers did n’t get pretty much all of their sheol right here on earth. C. N. Hood. WHY MRS. HEMANS TURNED IN HER GRAVE. First Mate (of Calcutta packet ).—Captain, we’re drifting! The sheet-anchor cable has parted, the right bower has gone by the board, Nantucket shoals are on our lee, and the spare kedge anchor is under two hundred barrels of hemp-seed oil! All afire! Captain (sighting through a glass of Potnt de Galle claret ),—Get out the C-Casabianca, you red-shirted son-of-a-Congo-rabbit!!! WILL BE RECOVERED. The wife of a migratory Harlem citizen, who often finds it cheaper to move than pay rent, recently misplaced her thimble, and was consider- ably annoyed over her unsuccessful search for it. ‘‘Never mind, mama,” said her little daughter, reassuringly: ‘‘ we ’ll find it when we move.” A CHANCE FOR HIM. Appuicant For Worx.—lI admit frankly that I know nothing of farm- ing. Now, what ought I todo? Farmer (who has refused him employment on account of his tgno- rance of agriculture ).—\’1| tell you what you ought to do; you ought to apply for the position of editor of some agricultural paper. THE FORCE OF HABIT. When the base-ball professional is at his own house and hears the dinner-bell, he always answers the summons at his topmost speed. He says ‘‘it is making a run for the home-plate.” GG. VE ay, CALIGRAPHIC. Miss Kate (fancy goods counter, Lacey’s).—1’m goin’ to leave to-morrow, Mame. Miss Mary.—’s that so? Goin’ to Gridley’s? Miss Kate.—No, 1’m goin’ to learn to be a chiropodist in a lawyer’s office. You only have to know your A, B, C’s to play on the machine.

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HEADING HER OFF. Wire (at breakfast).—I want to do some shopping to-day, dear, if the weather is fa- vorable. What are the ‘ probabilities?” Hussanp (consulting his paper ).—Rain, hail, thunder and lightning. SAYINGS OF THE GREAT. Live and let live-—Queen Mary of England, Always speak the truth.— £7 Perkzns. Westward the star of umpire takes its sway. —Von der Ahe. Obey your superiors.—Edward McGlynn. I would not live alway.— Methuselah. Give 's liberty or give us beer.—.Sfzes, Par- sons, Neebe, et al. Millions fer de “‘fence.”—/ake Sharp. Honor among thieves.— Mother Mandelbaum. I can not tell a lie.— 7hos. Ochiltree, Yours for health.—Lydza Pinkham. While there ’s life there ’s soap testimonials to write.—A/rs. James Brown Potter. Let me but fill the bait-bottle of the Presi- dent, and I care not who sells him his fish._— Daniel Lamont. Pernicious activity has not yet retired into in- nocuous desuetude.—Grover Cleveland, Let us have peace.—Nafoleon J, I came, I saw, I got thar.—2uffalo Beil. Never be conscious of your bustle.—./rs. Harriet Ayer Hubbard. The pig-pen is mightier than the sword.— Phil. Armour. What are you going t» do about it?— Wm, M. Tweed. I told you so.— Adam. The love of money is the root of all evil.— Vanderbilt, Contentment is better than riches.—Cyrus Field. Write legibly. —H. Greeley. Half a loaf is better than no strike.—Aartin Irons. I should smile.-—Gex, Neal Dow. Silence is golden, — //exry George. I never speculate.— Jay Gould, The doomed man was launched into eter- nity, and fell with a dull, sickening thud.— Babel Bugle, B.C. 2240. Shun notoriety, — Mrs. Langtry. Wm. H. Siviter. PUCK. THE CAKE WALK. RUDDER JOHNSIN,’ take yo’ seat In de middle ob de floor, Fo’ yo’ gotter watch de culled gals Er makin’ fo’ de score. Dar’s er nifty yaller coon Who am puttin’ up his tin, An’ bettin’ ebr’y cent he’s got His yaller mash ’1] win. Do yo’ note de graceful step Ob de purty gal in biue? Hain’t she er charmin’ critter fo’ To keep de prize in view? See, she lif’ her dainty skirts— Dar ’s er instep fo’ yo’ eyes Dat ’Il make yo’ fink ob ancels Walkin’ out ob paradise. Dar ’s dat orenery Sall, é Golly, what er hoof she got! An’ I reckon dat hur bussle am De dandy ob de lot. Now, Jinny, shake yo’ foot, Doan yo’ dar to make er break; Keep yo’ fancy on de cupids Sittin’ dar upon de cake. Hi, golly! it am done, An’ Mis Jinny win de prize; An’ I reckon she’s my daisy, Fo’ she am erbout my size. Brudder Johnsin’, howdedo! (Keep yo’ fist upon de tin. Ten dollars war de price, I fink, Fo’ makin’ Jinny win.) Hi. S. Keller. Ty, REPOSE. a Quintan (with thirty-pound sledge raised high above his head).—I\t’s warrum Oi am! HERE IS ONE good thing about violin playing—it keeps up the dead-cat market. Cornalius? Dacey (holding drill).—Are yez never goin’ ter shtrike, Quintan.—Pfwhat ’s to hinder a man from takin’ a bit av a rist phin th’ boss don’t be lookin’? CW a PHILADELPHIA, PA. U.S A. we PoWNS A Remedy___— - SUITED TO THE EXTREMES OF Beat and Gold. AT ALL TIMES Beneficial WHEN GENTLE TONIC AND Stimulating __ INFLUENCES ARE REQUIRED. FQ Fo OWNS C1 me Pa. U. S.A. By Travelers ON Longs Journeys BY LAND OR BY SEA, IT WILL BE FOUND ESTABUSHED 1822, INVALUABLE. + IN EVERY HOUSEHOLD |t is a Plecessity. MONTE CRISTO WHISKEY. RICH, SOFT, DELICATE IN FLAVOR. THE BEST PRODUCED. CHILDS & CO., 543 & 545 10TH AVENUE, NEW YORK CITY. Shipped to all parts United States. Orders by mail promptl filled. Send for price-list. — PARKER'S Gl GINGER TONIC| hs, Weak Indé- uustion. ee, Aa. most bn ch et yy with Pea Ginger, it exerts a cura- isease OW: Weak Lungs, Rheumatism, F i ~Ay Ctesarings illsof teoeStomach, Li usan re health ix the —- + ye! pasenee GINGER ToNIO. 232 pl tn d strength rugy Hiscox & Co., Ios Willian Stree N.Y. eis Send one, two, three or five dollars for a retail box, by express, of the best Candies in the World, put up in hand- some boxes. All strictly pure. Suitable for presents. ‘Try it once. aaa Cc. F. GUNTHER Confectioner, State St., Chicago.

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THE CELEBRATED & ehsin OF Are at Present the Most Popular and Preferred by Leading Artists. Warerooms: 149, 151, 153, 155 E. 14th St., N. Y. SOHMER & Co. PH HILADELPH A, » PA. I 1 19Ches estnut St. Cc So, i bas Avenue. SA ANFRA Cc Sor Cal o35 arket St. UNDERWOOD SPRING WATER. The Best Table Water in the World. PREVENTS BRIGHT’S OISEASE. Orrice: 18 Vesey StT., N. Y. City. Advantages of Heating with a HOT WATER APPARATUS. [Continued from Page 13, Puck, No. 547 SEVENTH.—Economical in fuel, saving at least 26 to 30 per cent. over other systems, inasmuch as for every pound of coal you burn in a Hot Water Apparatus you get heat, but with a Steam Apparatus the minute your fire fails to produce a tempera- ture of 212° Fah., (boiling point) you cease to get heat, and your fuel is consequently wasting. This cannot be said of a Hot Water Apparatus. (To be continued.) Send for Descriptive Catalogue and Circular to the GURNEY HOT WATER HEATER Co., 237 FRANKLIN St., Boston, MAss. JOHN A. FISH, Managing Director. Works at East Boston. Seviinc Acent, M. H. Jounson, 140 CENTRE St., New York City, N. Y. Rick & Wuiracre Mec. Co., 42 & 44 W. Monroe Street, Cuicaco, ILv. Mention Puck. EAUTy AND FRAGRANCE SOZODONT which renders the teeth pearly wurre, the gums rosy, and the breath swrer. By those who have used it, it is regarded as an indispensable ad- junct of the toilet. It thoroughly removes tartar from the teeth without injuring the enamel. Sold by Druggists and Fancy-Goods Dealers, and First-Class HEE? Te} fa! PETA. 2 Medals. ING’S Nine COPENHAGEN CHERRY CORDIAL. LUYTIES BROTHERS, GENERAL AGENT NEW YORK PUCK. **Have n’r you missed the theatres this sum- mer?” said one bald-headed man to another: ‘*I know you are a great admirer of the ballet.” “Yes, I did miss them until a happy thought struck me.” ** What was that?” **T went down to the sea-shore and took in the bathing beaches,”— Washington Critic. “*Sray, jailer, stay; I am not mad,” com- menced the amateur elocutionist to an audience of which Mr. Griggins was one. *“No. B’gosh, ye aint’t got no cause to be. Us fellers out here is the ones!” — Washington Critic. Ir the California millionaires get into many more wheat corners they will have to come down to corn bread.—Loudsville Courier-Journal. Acent.—On what grounds do you claim a | pension? Apputicant.—Grandfather lost his health in | the war of 1812, and left an impaired constitu- tion in the family.— New Haven News. **Wuat is your sweetheart by trade, Lizzie?” **A miller.” **So was my last one; but missus always saw him standing in our dark pantry, and so now I ’ve got a chimney sweep.” —Fiiegende Blatter. Tue best thing for a snob is a snub,—Lowe// Citizen. He was a physician and had an office, and on the table in the middle of the room there was an album full of pretty actresses and people. You were supposed to look at it while you were wait- ing to find out whether you were to be operated upon or given a prescription. *“Who are those ladies whose pictures you have in your album ?” ‘Patients whom I have cured at times.” ** And where do you keep your other album ?” **What other album?” *«The patients you have n’t cured,” The doctor socked it to him in a dose of medicine.—San Francisco Chronicle. various History tells us that ‘‘ Caius Rosi, during the reign of Tiberius, would sit for two days and nights drinking, almost without intermission.” Mr. Rosi must have had salt mackerel three times a day at his boarding-house. Or did he attend a Canstatter festival at Scheutzen Park? Any way, he was a fluent drinker, and if the Temperance party didn’t utilize him as a “‘ fright- ful example,” it was because temperance was not invented until after the reign of Tiberius.—Nor- ristown Herald. A macazine devoted to spelling reform says: “When peopl becum accustomd to the new at- tire of sum familiar words they wil more redily assent to more and more changes.” Don’t believ we ’d ever lern to spel in such a ridiculus manr. The old stile spein is gud enuf fur us, and filolo- gists had betr let our orthografy alone. It is tu late tu mak nu departurs of this caractr.—or- ristown Herald. Pears Soap Fair white hands Brightclear complexion Soft healthful skin. 29 GOLD MEDAL, PARIS, 1878. BAKER’S Breakfast Cocoa. Warranted absolutely pure Cocoa, from which the excess of Oil has been removed. It has three times the strength of Cocoa mixed with Starch, Arrowroot or Sugar, and is therefore far more economi- cal, costing less than one cent a cup. It is delicious, nourishing, strengthening, easily digested, and admirably adapted for invalids as well as for persons in health. Sold by Grocers everywhere. V. BAKER & CO., Dorchester, Mass, yan A WANTED. MANTH A: RATO SARATOCA Funny Hits! Funny Cuts! SELLS like Fun!! SEE the SPLENDID SUCCESS of AGENTS! One made a Profit First 3 Weeks of $138!, One First 6 Days $94.50! One First 10 Days $145!!, One First 3 Days $26.50!, One First3 Weeks $103.50!!; Making a Clean Profit in 7 Weeks Work of KSOU!!! It r off Saratoga follies, flirtations, low necks, dudes, pug do . «te, in the eurnor ~ are om mirtbeprev qeing e (100) ietures »y “Opper” are ** just killing ,eople a — ‘fe 4 it Age nts ay Sekine R50 ~e a Week. 2.59 AGENTS WANTED. eueeeeeee Apply to SCE ROS. (C) Philada. or Kaneas City. THE WASHBURN AMERICAN CUITARS AND MANDOLINES Finest toned, most durable, and possess the only absolutely cale. Warranted tostandin any climate. Ask your dealer - Lllustrated Catalogue mailed free by the Manufacturers, LYON & HEALY, 162 State St., Chicago. THE MIDSUMMER PUCK .................. 58e. PUCK’S LIBRARY, I, II, each........ 1@e. PICKINGS FROM PUCK, I, Il, LI. each...25¢e. PATENT COVER for Filing PUCK, by mail $1.00 One copy MIDSUMMER PUCK, To one «6 6 ~PUCK’S LIBRARY, Lor HI, Address 6 & ~=PICKINGS FROM PUCK, "5c. I, Ii or III, The same and One Cover for Filing PUCK, SN IE ig sina ain ohies coninesonan $1.70 —-o One copy MIDSUMMER PUCK, Two copies PUCK’S LIBRARY, To one I and II, Address Three copies PICKINGS FROM PUCK, $1.25 one each, I, II and III Crop, The same and One Cover for Filing PUCK, a ee eee $2.10 By mail only, from THE PUBLISHERS OF PUCK, New York.

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THE SAME AS I Do, use ALLCOCK’S POROUS PLASTER James Rosinson, ATHLETIC TRAINER AT PRINCETON CoL- LEGE, WRITES: Princeton, N. J., Jan. 21st, 1886. ‘1 have found it imperative to have sure and simple remedies on hand in case of cuts, bruises, strains, sprains, colds, rheuma- tism, etc. I discovered such a remedy in ALLCOck’S Porous PLAsters. They give almost instantaneous relief, and their strengthening power is remarKable.”’ S. BisHorp MArKs, SECRETARY OF THE OLYMPIC ATHLETIC CLUB, WRITES: New York, May roth, 1886. ‘* Having had a severe strain of an important muscle, and desir- ing to run in a series of athletic games, I successfully used an ALicock’s Porous PLAsTER as a binder, and with great relief to the parts affected. I can highly recommend them to all athletes.”’ J. J. McDermott, Ligsut.-Carrain Otympic ATHLETIC CLUB, WRITES : New York, May 20th 1886. ‘*For strained muscles, sprains, bruises, and external applica- tions generally, I find nothing better than ALLcock’s Porous PLASTERS. BITTERS. An excellent appetizing tonic of cuquicite flavor, now used over th arr D ia, Di ea, Fever and A foe and all pe ange = Te eal vm cate A few drops pers delic “sag flavor to a ginss a> _ to all oummer Lary :. a7 it, a are of counterfeits. Ask your grocer or druggis article, mnanafactured | by DR J. G. B. SIEGERT & SONS. Je ¥. WUPPERMANN, SOLE AGENT. 1 BROADWAY. N. Y. A CARD. The undersigned begs to inform the pub- lic that he will open September rst with a COMPLETE NEW STOCK of Foreign and Domestic Woolens of every description, $20.00. Trousers * . o 26 Sid 5 00. Fall and Winter Qunniti to order from 18.00. Suits to order from - + + de Wa Seulove 145 & 147 Bowery and 771 Broadway, Corner Ninth Street. Samples and self-measurement rules mailed on application. T DEN MUSEE. 5 Ws. 23"4 Street’ Munczi Lajos and Prince Peul Esterhazy’s Orchestra. Daily two Grand Con- certs. Admission, had cents; Sundays, 25 cents. C. WEIS, Manufacturer of Meerschaum Pipes, smokers’ Articles, etc., wholesale & retail. 399 Broadway, N. Y. Factories, 69 Walker Street, and Vienna, Austria, Sterling silver- mounted Pipes and Bowls made up in newest designs, Catalogue Fres. Please mention Puck. 259 LA DI E Dr. Urlin’s sagt Produces a Peowits « Crear SKIN. Box 1669, + Mail $1.00. N.Y. Dr. Urlin’s Headache Docdas are grand. By Mail 25 cts, First Prize Medal, Vienna, PUCK. Miss Jones (very patriotic).—Well, what do you think of America, Sir Reginald? Sir Recinatp Peassiossom (a newly imported article)— Aw! America is not so very bad; but you—aw—have no leisure class heah—no leisure class, ye know. Miss Jones.—Oh, indeed we have, Sir Regin- ald; we have our messenger-boys, you know.— Harper’s Bazar. First Scotcn Cririzen.—Did ye hear tell, Tam, that the 7uzz/e had come owre tae grup you America cup? ““Wull there be onything in that cup, think ye; onything strang?”” ‘**Shouldna wunner.” “Then ye mark ma words, Geordie; the Thuzzle’s gawn tae grup it.”— New York Journal, Domestic.—What will I get for breakfast? There is n’t a bit of bread in the house. Mrs. Youncwire.—Dear, dear! That is too bad. I suppose you had better have toast.— Pittsburgh Dispatch. ‘*Joun,’” said the wife of a Kentucky editor: “‘your patent combination pocket-knife is all rusty—all but the corkscrew part.” — Washing- ton Critic. Omana Eprror.—Anything startling to-day? News Epiror.—No; not a single railroad ca- tastrophe since yesterday. “*Humph!” “Yes; things are dull now. tween seasons,” “Between seasons?” “*Yes; the summer excursion season is about over, and the car-stove season has n’t opened yet.”—Omaha World. You see it ’s be- Angostura Bitters are endorsed by the highest medica’ authorities here and in Europe as a preventative and cure of Ma- laria and all Summer diseases. Keep it in your houses to flavor your drinking-water and all other beverages. NOW READY: TITLE PAGE AND INDEX VOLUME XxXI. SENT TO ANY ADDRESS FREE OF CHARGE! HENRY LINDENMEYR, PAPER WAREHOUSE. Nos. 15 & 17 BEKKMAN STREKT. ° BRANCH, 37 East HOUSTON STREET. } New York. coat" SANITAS” »=m« The GREAT ENGLISH DISINFECTANT. The First Requisite in all Dveling, The most POWERFUL and PLEASANT of all PREPARATIONS in use. Fragrant, Non-polsonous, does not stain Linen, “SANITAS” Disinfecting Fluid, for sprinkling about rooms, disinfecting linen, and general house use. **SANITAS” Disinfecting Powder, a powerful and pleasant preparation for stables, kennels, ashbins, &c. “SANITAS” Crude Disinfecting Fiuid, a con- centrated form of ‘‘Sanitas,” to be di- luted with water for flushing drains, &e. “SANITAS” Disinfecting Oil, for fumigatine sick rooms, treatment of throat com- plaints, rheumatism and ringworm. “Sanitas” Disinfecting Toilet and Laundry Soaps, &e.,, &. THE REGULAR USE OF “ SANITAS,” THE BEST DISINFECTANT, and Deodorant, is a sure preventive of all contagious and infectious diseases. It is invaluable in the sick room. “A PEOPLE’S HEALTH IS A NATION'S WEALTH.” “SANITAS” IS NATURE’S DISINFECTANT, To be had of aH Druggists and of the American & Continental “ Sanitas” Co., Ltd,, 636-642 West 55th street, N. Y. city. 3 OKER’S BITTERS The Oldest and Best of All STOMACH BITTERS, AND AS FINE A CORDIAL AS EVER MADE, To be had in Quarts and Pints. L. FUNKE, JR., Sole Manufacturer and Proprietor, 78 JOHN STREET, NEW YORK. AGENT nee bags bag CORSETS, BRUSHES, c. No risk, quick sales. ‘lerritory given, satisfaction peo chim DR. SCOTT, 843 B’way, N. Y BOWERY BAY BEACH. Accessible by horse-cars from East 92nd St. (Astoria) Ferry in 20 minutes. Fare, 10 cents, including ferriage. Also by steamboats direct to Grand Pier, Bowery Bay, from Harlem Bridge, East 13oth St., hourly, from 10 A.M. Fare, 15 cents, Excursion, 20 cents. WANTED (Samples FREE) for DR. SCOTT’S CHAMPION An Interesting OF TWO CONTINENTS. Comparison of THE WORLDS GREAT BREWERIES. Decidedly the greatest beer producing countries in the world are Germany and Austria, The manufacture of the national beverage and its consumption is a matter of investigation and comment for every traveler that has visited and written of those States. Many have gone be- hind the commercial feature of the industry, and have found in the production, fostered and protected as it is by the Government, a solution of the stability of the people. The people themselves, instead of fretting under the ordinary cares of life that carry more volatile neigh- bors into insurrection, absorb a philosophical quiet with the nectar of Gambrinus that saves them from the conse- quences of rashness. Small wonder that they cherish their colossal Brauerein and that the Government fosters them. The last annual official statistical showing of the pro- duct in Germany and Austria has just been received here. According to this report, the output of the six leading breweries of Germany and Austria, in 1886, was the following: Seems. . Spaten Brewery, Munich, (Gab. rineeayn-ttied asap . Anton Dreher, Vienna y . Lowen Brewery, Munich..........0+eesccccccece s0eees 252.75 t. Marx, Vienna 99.480 . G. Pschorr, Munich.. 3. Liesing Actien Brewery, Vienna. amen eens: Total, 1670, 564. There are innumerable small establishments, but these six larger ones serve to give some idea of the magnitude of the industry in those countries. In the manufacture of the quantity of beer shown in the product of these six breweries, over one hundred and forty millions of pounds of malt were used. To those of our own community who are not tinged with prohibitory theories there will be some satisfaction in learning that St. Louis, Mo., has not only the largest brewery in this country, but the largest in the world. The Anheuser-Busch Brewing Association, in the period covered by the official report from which the above is taken, manufactured and sold 13,120,000 gallons of beer, equaling 410,000 Barrels, an excess of more than 10 per cent. above the production of the Spaten Brewery of Munich, the largest European brewery. Experts in the manufacture of beer are not slow to say that the quality, also, of the Anheuser-Busch beer excels that of its European rival in about the same ratio. This opinion is not only that of American judges, but in every European exposition in which the beer of the Anheuser-Busch Brewing Association has come into competition with that of all the above-named breweries, it has been awarded the first premium. In every Euro- pean capital medals have been given to them showing that they surpassed all other exhibitors in the quality of the beer manufactured. These awards have not been merely occasional, but record a succession of triumphs,

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ESTABLISHED 1801, BENT & CO-’S Celebrated Hand-Made WATER CRACKERS. Guaranteed Easy of Digestion, Absolutely Pure. BENT & CO., Milton, Mass. MARVELOUS MEMORY DIsSsSCcCovERY. Wholly unlike Artificial Systems—Cure of Mind Wandering. Any book learned in one ‘in, reat inducements to correspondence classes, Prospectus, with opinions in full of Mr. Proctor, the Astronomer, Hons. W. W. AsTOX, JUDAH P. BENJAMIN, Drs. MINOR, WOOD, REV. FRANCIS B. DENIC, The Christian Advocate, MARK TWAIN, and others, sent post free by PROF. LOISETTE, 237 Fitth Avenue, N.Y. 3°5 One Agent (Merchant only) wanted in every town for TANSILLS OH 5 4 Demand unprecedented. Print Your Own Cards! PRESS, $8; Circular size press, $8; Newspaper size, $44. Type-setting easy, printed instructions. Send 2 stamps for catalo-yue presses, type, KELSEY &c., to the factory, 17 &'CO., Meriden, | Conn, W. TANSILL & CO.,Chicago THE TORTILITA MINES. Their Marvellous Richness in Gold and Silver. A SAFE AND PROFITABLE INVESTMENT FOR ALL. (From the New York Star, August 29, 1887.) The mines of the Tortilita Gold and Silver Mining Company, of 57 Broadway, New York, have become the most favorably known property of their class in America. Their great value has been demonstrated by new and continuous discoveries of vast bodies of rich ore as the work goes on, and investors in the shares of the com- pany are from all sections and all classes in the country. The Tortilitas are developed, proven and working mines. The shares are an absolute security, as they are based on property worth many times what they call for. There is no better or safer investment. The sale of the stock is being conducted upon a differ- ent plan from that generally employed, the management offering the shares direct for investment in any sized lots instead of making it a stock speculation, Receipts for $150,000 in bullion taken out of the mines during their development can be seen at the com- pany’s office. The Tortilitas have lately been examined and reported upon favorably by the New York Séar, the Tucson (Ariz.) Star, published within sight of the mines; the Florence (Aniz.) Enterprise and other journals, and the Hartford Post publishes a full-page illustrated article on the prop- erty, pronouncing the mines worth many times more than they are capitalized for. . The mines will easily supply three twenty-stamp mills for an indefinite period on these properties. They would work 180 tons of ore per day, at an average of $50 per At a low estimate this would be $9,000 per day. With the proper machinery this can be worked at an ex- pense of $10 per ton, which would be $1,800 per day, leaving net per day $7,200, or for thirty days $216,000, or for a year $2,592,000, which will be over two-and-a- half times the capital stock each year; but at first the company start with a twenty-stamp mil!, which should ton. give $800,000 per year net, or 80 per cent. per annum on the capital stock. The shares can now be bought at par in any sized lots from one share to 5,000 direct at the company’s office, 57 Broadway, and R. J. Dean & Co., Bankers, 302 Greenwich Strect, New York, by letter or in person, It is believed that the Tortilita is the soundest and best mining enterprise yet brought to the attention of the public, and that those who invest in it will make hand- some returns. They are at least sure of a safe investment and good dividends. The object of selling stock is to obtain the necessary capital to erect hoisting works and purchase one or more mills so as to operate the mines properly, otherwise none of the stock would be for sale. | | PUCK. N. Y. C. and H. R. R. Chauncey M. Depew | was presented to H. R. H. Albert Edward, Prince of Wales, last week. When it comes to trying titles, the railroad American seems to be several laps ahead of royalty. — Springfield Union. Tue Atlantic is crossed in love every time a bridal party goes over.— Texas Siftings. ALTHouGH tobacco has gone up a five-cent cigar is still sold for a nickel. The relation be- tween tobacco and a five-cent cigar is not close enough to hurt either.—PAzladelphia Call. Tuere is very little serf bathing in Russia.-— New Orleans Picayune. DOCKSTADER’S. AT HOME, WEDNESDAY EVENING, SEPT. 7th. MAGNIFICENT Minstretsy. Timely local burlesque: ‘‘ THE FALL OF NEW BABYLON.” Dockstader as King Hewitt I. New Ballads. Jokes and Music. Evenings, §:30. Saturcay a «CC. Shayne, Manufacturing Furrier, 108 Princo 6t., N. Y. Will retail fashionable Furs an: Seal This will afford a splendid opportu skin Garments this season. nity for ladies to purchase reliabl« furs direct from the Manufacturer at lowest possible prices. Fashion book mailed free. COLEMAN NAT'L BUSINESS COLLEGE. : NEWARK, N. J. Gives the BEsT, SHORTEST, CHEAPEST and most THOROUGH course of Business Tratninc of any school in America. For catalogue, address 372 H. COLEMAN, Pres. PICKINGS FROM PUCK. CROPS I, II anp III. 25 cts. each, of all Newsiealers. By mail, from the Publishers, 30 cts. each. ball. Summer- Boarder.” brown.” ing graphic illustrations! heart of the weary one. he will or no. Boarder ” VYork.—/Soston Times. PUCK’S LIBRARY, NO. 3. Ten Cents per Copy. 31 OTH USH ee Endorsed by the Profession. Has the following advantuges over the old bristie Tooth Brush: More Cleanly, Perfect Polish=- er. No Loose Bristies. Non-Irritating to the Cums. Powdered Ready for use. For sale by all dealers in toilet articles, or by mai! for 60c. by THE HORSEY M'F'G CO,, Utica, N, Y. AT@FOLKS® asing ** Anti-f »srpulene Pills” 'ose 15 lbs. a month, They eause no sickness, contain no poison and never fail. Particulars (casted) de, Wilcox Syont ic Co,, P’ scones Pa. “Private Club’ GRAND CHAMPAGNE. FELIx JACQUIN, EPERNAY, FELT & ADJUSTABLE CLEANSER AND POLISHER. 380 367 FRANCE. Highest Grade Imported. L. E. WILMERDING, GENERAL AGENT, No. 3 South William Street, N. Y. City. Sus-AGENCcIEs. W. H, Jones & Co., Boston, Mass. Augustus Merino & Co., Phila., Pa. W. C. Beetcnenow, Newark, N. J. H. J. Reynolds, New Haven, Conn. Geo. W. Walker, Brooklyn, N, Y. VOLUME XXI. OF PUCK. Bound in Cloth, with Title Page and Index $8.25 Bound in Half Morocco, with Title Page and Index and a MIDSUMMER PUCK (bound in) o - - $4.25 Loose Volumes, the copies of which are in geod condition, are exchanged for bound Volumes for $1.25 for Cloth Binding, $2.00 for Half Morocco Binding. Cloth Covers for binding PUCK 75c. by mail $1. Patent Covers for filing PUCK 75c. by mail $1. THE PUBLISHERS OF PUCK, Puck BUILDING, NEW YorK. TAPE WORMS Removed in two hours. Permanent Cure Guaranteed. Estab. lished 14 years, Ae W. ALLEN, 604 Granp Sr., New York- A Natural ural Question. Iho Quesiion is often asked: why is WILLIAMS’ SHAVING STICK superior to any other? BECAUSE, the Lather is more Rich and Lasting, Mild and Soothing, and WILL NOT DRY ON THE FACE, This can be said of no other Shaving Stick. For Sale.by Druggists, or sent post-paid by the Manufacturers, for _-S g5ets., in Stamps or Currency. Puck’s ‘* SUMMER: BOARDER. arene many there are whose beam with pleasure at the appearance of a second number of «Puck's Library!” ‘The first, as will be remembered, got all the fun possible out of the national game of hase- And now comes another volume of Puck's delicious furnnyisms, entitled «The This subject, prolific as it is, in the hands of Puck is “done Such inimitable drollery and wit, made quite irresistible by the accompany- It is enough to make the sad man merry and to rejoice the Puck is a very jovial little fellow, and under his guidance the summer-boarder becomes the most ridiculous character imaginable. al ways so much to the point, and withal so good-natured, that one has to laugh whether This volume is full of mirth to the brim, and every one who reads it will gain many hearty laughs and a period of thorough enjoyment. —- **Just Dog.’’ j TheJ. L. Williams Co. Glastonbury, Ct. FOR 50 YEARS MAKERS OF FAMOUS _ “GENUINE YANKEE SHAVING Soap.’* will ‘fairly faces His satire is ** The Summer- is published by Messrs. Keppler & Schwarzmann, Puck Building, New PUCK’S LIBRARY, NO. 1. — ‘‘ The National Game.”’ PUCK’S LIBRARY, NO. 2. - ‘*The Summer-Boarder.’ Out Sept. 15th. One Dollar per Year.

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". ep a po » FIGHT EAR PUCK. ADVERTISERS witt SEE OF SECURING A PASSE ee tne oe te ns + FORA DSONEOU Sea vanes Stoner Rieti BEFORE GOING on aA JOURN }@ YA POLICY wTH Howokevioenr Ins Co FOR LOSS OFBOTHEYES | : »WiTH SPECTACLES & ” LEFT ” ON pS SACRE AREA See UES SASS aaa SPLENDID BOARD AT THE SPRAY . 7) CLAN —_— PN) HEBREWS TAKEN?! s™ Sake he a The Next Advertising Dodge on the Elevated Roads — ADVANTAGE R LARLY, The Passengers Will Have to be Utilized.