Puck 1886-11-03: Vol 20 Iss 504

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VOL. XX.—No. 504. NEW YORK, NOVEMBER 3, 1886. PRICE, TEN CENTS. 4 e a k y Ss ! | KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN, Publishers. ‘ ENTERED AT THE POST OFFICE AT NEW YORK, AND ADMITTED FOR TRANSMISSION THROUGH THR MAILS AT SKCOND CLASS RATES. A REHEARSAL IN ALDERMANIC INSANITY. Anwininc Mencuman (fe Member of the Board of 8g ).—Dat's it, Alderman.—give ‘em der paresis twist like dat, an’ dere ain't wo Sing Sing for row /

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ST SO EET SS Lene BASILV PREPARED Ga A valuable pamphiet on * Tew alida,” sav lactated Tod FOR | Physician and 0 Feverke Physicians of ali Schools, and Leading eens re sae ually wo haoupester The Most NOURISHING. the Most PALATABLE the Most ECONOMICAL, of al! Prepared Foods 150 MEALS for an Infant for $1.00. At Dragglete—The, Oe, 01 ‘The Nutrities of lnfants and sent free on appli ation = Ricnargpson & Co.,

ARVELOUS PRICES t BOOKS = MILLION ae <7 let many of them bes sepa eres ren iS ir pemten a frcaterss thou shat c

emine the list w would like to would cost $1. Each book is complete in itself. 1. The Widow Rei Redott Papers. This is the book over which your grandmothers laughed till they cried, and it is just as funny to-day as it ever was ancy ork for Home Adornment, an en- tirely new work upon this su ~~ contaiuing easy and practical instructions for ing fancy baskets, wall kets, brackets, needle work, embroidery, etc., etc., pro- aety ond cleganny | illustrated. rimm’s Fairy Stories for the Young. The finest collection of fairy a ¢ ever published, The child- ren Th be ~~ ob 4. The Lady ot i ow By Sir Walter Scott. “ The Lyk of the Pane’ is a romance in verse, and of ali ba works of Scott none is more beautiful than this. 5. Manual of Eti iguette for Ladies and Gentlemen, a guide ” Ceaeemnaged = good breeding, giving the rules of 6. The Veandacd, Letter Writer for Ladies and Gentlemen, a@ complete euide. te correspondence, giving ry directions for the composition of letters of every ind, with innumerable forms and examples. 1. Winter Evenin Recreations, a large collection of Acting Charades, Tableaux, Games, Puzzles, etc., for = atherings, private theatricals, aud evenings at a se sey

ogues, Recitations and Readings, « large and fF - collection for school exhibitions and public and private entertainments. 9%. Parlor Magic and Chemical Experimenta, a book which gall how to perform hundreds of amusing tricks in magic and instructive experiments with simple agents 10. The Home Cook Book and Family Physi- clan, containing hundreds of excellent cooking veckpes and hints to housekeepers, also telling how to cure all soa mon ailments by simple home remedy ll. Manners and Customs in Por Away Landa, a very Mteresting and instructive book of travels, describ- ing the peculiar life, habits, manners and customs of the people of foreign —— illustrat 12. 8 G te Stories by Popular Authors, embracing love, cee a and detective stories, stories of — life, of adventure, of railway life, etc., all very in- 18. is. The Budget, of Wit, Humor and Fun, a large collection of the funny stories, sketches, anecdotes, poems, and jokes that have been written for some years ; illus'ted. 14. Useful Knowledge for the Million, a handy book of useful information for ail, upon many and various subjects ; ah . © a A Novel, By Hugh Conway, author of “ Dark D ete. 16. At the S World's Mercy. A Novel. , By Florence Warden, author of ‘‘ The House on the Marsh,”’ etc. li, Mild: revanion. A Novel. By “The Duch- ess,’’ author of ‘‘ Molly Bawn,”’ etc. rk Boys. A A Novel. By Hugh Conway, author a se oe Back,"’ The Mystery of the Molly Tree. A Novel. Bye y= author of * 20. Shadows on n thes anew. A Novel. By B. 1. Far- jeon, authorof ‘ Bread-and-Cheese-and-Kisse

21. The Gray Woman. A Novel. By] Mrs. “Gaskell, — of ‘“‘ Mary Barton,”’ hy he Frozen Deep. A Nord, By Wilkie Collins, autor of ‘* The Woman f White,” 23. Red Court Farm. A "Kovel Wood, author ‘of “* East Lynne,’ = In | Cupid’s Net. A Neve. By the Author of“ Dora orne.’ 23. Back tothe Old Home. A Novel. By Mary Cecil Hay, author of ‘‘ Hidden Perils.” mn Bowerbank’s Wite. A Novel. had Miss Mulock author of ‘‘ John Halifax, Gentleman,”’ ete. 27. Gwendoline’s Dream. A Novel. By the author of “ Dora Thorne,"’ etc. 28. Jasper Dane’s Secret. A Novel. By Miss M. E. Braddon, author of ‘Aurora Floyd,"’ etc. Leoline. A Novel. By Mary Cecil Hay, author of “Brenda Yorke,’ 30. Gabricl’s Marrlage. A Novel. By Wilkie Collins, author of ** No Name,”’ 31. David Hunt. % Novel. By Mrs. Ann 8. Stephens, author of “‘ Fashion and Famine,”’ etc. 82. Reaping the Whirlwind. A Novel. By Mary Cecil Hay. author of ‘‘ Old Middleton’s Money,"’ 44 33. Dudley Carleon. A Novel. By Miss M. EF. Brad- don, author of ‘‘ Lady Audley's oe * ete. ieas on THe Mystery oF TH z Heaptanps. A Novel. By Etta W. Pierce, author of “The Birth Mark.”’ ete. 35. A Golden Dawn. A Novel. By the author of “Dora Thorne."’ etc. 36. Valerie’s Fate. A Novel. By Mrs. Alexander author of ‘‘ The Wooing O't,’' etc. 37. Siater Rose. in Beye. By Wilkie Collins, author of “The Woman in White,” Anne. | A Novel. By “irs. Henry Wood, author o. “East Lynne.” 39. The Laurel Bush, A Novel. By Miss Mulock, author of “ John Halifax, ee etc. 40. Amos Barten. Novel. George 1 Eliot, author of “Adam "Bede, who The Mill on ‘ne ‘loss,"’ OUR UNEQUALED OFFER! We will send any four of these books an4 our catalogue, wontaining prices ofa}! leading papers and books for 12 cts. m stamps. Any 8 books 20 cta. the whole 40 for $1.00. Send P. O. Note Registered Letter, or Money Order, address at once FRANKLIN NEWS CO. Phil. Pa By Mrs. Henry Burlington, Vt. 673

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ru CK. PINK 18 THE ANGELS’ COLOR. 1 caw it as it bay iim the commer at the ore, And though a pretty piece of mall I thought 1 mthing more l eee & now « drew All eowered o'er with lace Beneath the clinging drapery A charming fam | trace. Aad | ponder and wonder, And the more of 4 I think, I am sure that up in heaven All the angels dress in pink. Pittsburgh Chronicle Telegrap’. THe Marquis of Salisbury runs his threshing machine with electricity. Now, all that is want. ed is an electric-cultivator, and a few other things, and the farmer can sit in his parlor and run his estate with a machine like a type-writer. —Omaha World. Mutcauey (on seeing a bass-viol for the first ——— Heavin’s! the mon that plays that fiddle must be moighty long-armed.—Chicago Rambler. MILEs STANDISH will have a statue in Boston by next June, to serve as a warning to people of all time, never to do their courting by proxy, —Omaha World. A JOINT canvass —that which covers a ham, New Orleans Picayune. Angostura Bitters do not only distinguish themselves by their flavor and aromatic odor above all others generally used, but they are also a sure preventive for all diseases originating from the digestive organs. Beware of counterfeits. Ask your grocer or druggist for the genuine article, manufactured by Dr. J. G. B. Siegert & Sons. LITERARY PEOPLE are offered $800 cash, divided into five prizes, for best series of twenty-seven advertising notices. For particulars, address ee Dispensary Medical Asso- ciation, 663 Main St., Buffalo, N. Y 760

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Send 6c. for pote for free costly box of goods which will help al Pto more money than anything else in this world, Fortunes await the workers absolutely sure. ¢ Terms mailed free. True & Co., Augusta, Maine. CURE For tht DE AF PECK’S PATENT IMPROVED CUSHIONED EAR DRUMS Per- wectty Restore Tue Hearne and perform the work of the natural drum, 716 Invisible, comfortable and always in position. All conversation and even whispers heard eS Send _for illustrated book with testimonials, FREE, Address F, HISCOX, 853 Broadway,N.¥. Name this paper.

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Pro Bono | 147 Holida 'y Season OF 1880 | is fast approaching and careful buyers should bear in mind that early selections are always more satisfactory, as they have the benefit of | a large assortment now, which later on wets broken up, and the choicest patterns prone The season's styles are all perfected six *| months in advance, so no mistake could be made for that reason. Watches are again in fashion for Ladies, and with a short chain to match makes a most appropriate gift. We have them from the smallest to the largest in Gold, Silver and Nickel, a// Stem Winders, from. $7.00 to $75.00. Chains to match, $1.50 to $20.00. Small Ear- rings with a Diamond ‘in centre from $7.50 upwards. Lace and other Pins from $4.00. Cuff and Collar Buttons are in great demand from $3.00 per set upwards. REMEMBER a reputation of 48 years in Canal Street, is a sufficient guarantee that prices and quality will always be right. “PACHTMANN & MOELICH GOLDSMITHS and FEWELERS, 363 Canal St., Near Wooster St., N. Y. MAGIC LANTERNS! AND STEREOPTICONS FOR PUBLIC, SUNDAY SCHOOL AND HOME EXHIBITIONS. Views Illustrating | 120 page Illus. FREE all Subjects Catalogue, e. | 2 MILLIGA . Chestnut St,, East of Sth 8t., nol), Constable K Co, GENTLEMEN'S FURNISHING DEPT. A fine line of Choice Styles in London and Cit a9 -madve NECKW Robes de rnlecog Jackets, Bath Wraps, Silk, Flannel and Cheviot Pajamas, Dress Shirts, Collars and Cuffs (ready made or to order), Flannel Underwear, Sith Handkerchiefs and Muft- lers, Gloves for driving, street and evening wear. Broadvoay AK AS 19th st. pe York. Y for free Catalogue of Books of Amusements, Speakers; ¥ ~ Dialogues, Card-Games, Fortune. Tellers, Dream — De' ates, Letter Writers, Etiquette, etc. DICK & FITZGERALD, 18 Ann Street, New York. DESK: AND OFFICE FURNITURE |

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—. | KHIGHBACK COAL CO. | RSS pecan

ITIZEN.—Here’s everything I’ve got in the world; take it all, and send me a scuttle of coal as quick as you can! My e family is = _ freezing! ae

Taking a load of coal to a millionaire, A. D. 1900.

e i Black diamonds will doubtless : soon become fashionable as jewelry. How Much Higher Can the Poor Consumer Go? “<a ; aa Cuorus oF CoaL MonopoLists.—Hurry up and jump over, ’cos we want to put her up another peg!

ec ee Se a J, Ottmann, Lith. puck auiwoia, *¥ If the Monopolists Continue to Increase the Price of Coal, the Above State of Things will be Here Before Long.

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Re 5 C _ "7 . - COWS ie ee re CL --- VOL: XK.=No. 504. 4 7 77 NEW YORK, NOVEMBER 3, 1886. PRICE, TEN CENTS. ~~ Se

ae

eR AAA OAR Ame a aa s these sWorrals va” J VSUMMER-WIEUTS DREM. a

Se Wy, D ewe, of s ee - - Be —<— ™s

PUCK BUILDING, Cor. Houston & Mulberry Sts.

A REHEARSAL IN .ALDERMANIC INSANITY. “Apmirind Hencuman (to Member of the Board of ’84).—Dat’s it, Alderman—give ’ em der paresis twist like dat, an’ dere ain’t no Sing Sing for you!

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PUBLISHED EVERY WEDNESDAY. OFFICE: PUCK BUILDING, Southwest Corner of Houston and Mulberry Streets, NEW YORK CITY, TERMS TO SUBSCRIBERS. (United States and Canada.) One Copy, one year, or 52 numbers, - - - - - - - = - $5.00 One Copy, six months, or 26 numbers, - - - - - - - - One Copy, for 13 weeks, - - - - - - = - = = = = 1.2 Remit by P. O. Money Order, Postal Note, ‘payable at Station “* A,’’) Draft, Exp ess Money Order, or Registered Lette-. (England and all Countries in the Berne Postal Treaty.) One Copy, one year, or 52 numbers,- - - - - - - + = $6.00 One Copy, six months, or 26 numbers, - - - - - - - - 3-00 One Copy, three months, or 13 numbers, - - - - - = - 1.50 BG INCLUDING POSTAGE. “@O Unper THE Artistic CHARGE OF - - JOS. KEPPLER Business-ManaGerR - - - - - A.SCHWARZMANN Eprror - H.C. BUNNER SPECIAL NOTICE. Attention is cailed to the fact that every issue of Puck 1s spe- cially copyrighted, and its contents protected by law. We have no objection to the reprinting of paragraphs and articles, where Sull credit is given; fue we cannot permit the reproduction of our pictures, except by special arrangement with us. ~ Owing to the pressure upon our advertis- ing columns, PUCK this week consists of Eighteen Pages. CARTOONS AND COMMENTS. HE battle for the Mayoralty of New York has been fought out at the polls while Puck was on the press, and editorial prescience can give us no knowledge as to the result, save a clear perception of the fact that the combined vote of Messrs. Hewitt and Roosevelt represents New York’s disapproval of Mr. Henry George, his ways and his doctrines. We do not wish te say that the number of votes cast for George shows that so many people are in accord with him in his peculiar views. The mischief of it is that the men who have been howling for George for the last six weeks are really howling for riot and disorder. He is only their stalking- horse. They have led astray a great many un- reasoning, though honest workingmen. But they themselves are the idle, the vicious, the causelessly discontented, who are seeking a profit in riot and misgovernment. They are the people who come to the surface on occa- sions such as the mob-rising of 1863. They are the men who, too lazy, too incompetent and too dishonest to make homes for them- selves, find satisfaction in pillaging and burn- ing the homes of better and more industrious citizens. This is a hard way to put it; but it is ab- solutely the truth. These men see in the chance of electing Mr. George a chance for that anarchy which they would welcome for their own enrichment. They are not workingmen, They are the men who have been living on the workingman for years and years. They have managed his trades-unions for him; they have taken his hard-earned money for ‘ dues,’’ and have divided it up among themselves. The workingman is their meat and drink and lodg- ing. He pays them to be “ master-workmen” _ and “walking delegates;”? and they give him a return for his money by telling him that he is the only honest man in the world; that all who have,made and saved money are thieves and tyrants; and that the day will come when the possessions of the rich shall be divided up among the poor, and the Monster Capital shall be no more, Of course such creatures want to disturb the existing order of things. If they could get enough thoughtless men to follow PUCK. WASTEFUL. rn | ope eee i aie edie ie ee “I ’clar, Chloe, ef yer doan’ keep dem chil’r’n out’n de vittles, I’se a gwine fer ter git er divo’ce, W—w—wha’ you fink, I like boy sass wif ’possum stew fer?” *¢ Dat makes de fo’th chile I ’ve lost by falling in vittles—I’se ti’ed, I is, ob dis extravagance.” them, they would like nothing better than to raise a riot and plunder Fifth Avenue. Mr. George does not wish to plunder Fifth Avenue — except by process of law—yet these are his chosen allies. * * * One thing is to be noted, just now. There is really no cause, or very little, for the discon- tent of which Mr. George talks. The laboring- man—the man who wé// hold himself different from everybody else because he labors with his hands—has a better time and a better chance in this country than he has anywhere else in the world. He is obliged, of course, to deal with men who try to buy his labor as cheap and to sell it as dear as they can. But in this his case is the same as that of all the rest of mankind. He is no worse off than the clerk, the book-keeper, the policeman and the farm- hand—no worse off than the clergyman, the editor or the salaried government-official. If these men make more money than he does— and they very often make less—it is because they are more intelligent, more zealous in doing their duty, more willing to learn, more ambitious to live well and to gain position in the com- munity—and, above all, because they keep clear of unions, and act for themselves, like manly men. * ’ * There can be no help for the workingman in a regiment of Henry Georges. If a man can not get on and take care of himself in a land of universal suffrage, free schools and trial by jury, there is something wrong, not in the con- stitution of society, but in the man himself. The fact is, the only laws that bear hard upon the laborer are the laws that he has made for himself in his trades-unions, ‘There is no law whatever to compel him to be a manual laborer. If he chooses to fit himself for any other occu- pation, he is free to do it. ‘lhe trouble with him is that he is engaged in an insane struggle to make certain kinds of labor pay more than they can be made to pay; instead of seeking a more profitable market for his strength and his skill. He seeks to be relieved from the neces- sity of struggling for his existence like other men. If he is docked a quarter of a dollar on his pay, if his next-door neighbor works an hour more than he does, he runs to the union and cries for protection. If he would stand up for himself like a man, and fight the battle of life as thousands of uncomplaining clerks are fight- ing it, we should hear no more complaints from him. He would have nothing to complain of. Mr. James G. Blaine only needs an advance agent and a red band-wagon to be a complete circus. He has been cavorting through Penn- sylvania, drawing great crowds, who have rushed to see him as they might have rushed to see the Two-Headed Lady or the Leopard Boy—which latter natural phenomenon is said to suggest points of resemblance to the great political curiosity. It is not a dignified performance for an ex-candidate for the Presidency; but that sort of thing precisely suits Mr. Blaine. Perhaps it may furnish him with a useful and amusing, if not remunerative future. He might, indeed, go into the business professionally, and draw up a schedule of rates—so much for visiting one of the numerous Homes of his Youth, and having tender reminiscences on the spot—so much for kneeling at the Graves of Departed Statesmen, (assorted,)—so much for feeling a Deep Interest in the Welfare of any given community. It would be quite in his line, and while it might not bring him any nearer to the Presidency, it would occupy his mind, and would also serve to keep Mr. John A. Logan in a state of pleasant and whole- some agitation.

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THE PROF. OF THE MANLY. O blooming swells [ daily give Instructions in the manly art— I am a Prof. whose name is known Throughout this very busy mart. All dodges of the London Ring, Much better than aught else I know: The ‘upper cut,’ the ¢ right- hand swing,’ Tue ‘one, two, three,’ and ‘counter blow.’ Although I ’m called the ‘* Badger’s Kid,” Just let me to you softly sing; I’m called the champion at my weight, But never entered any ring. I find that fighting brings no gold; It is more profitable far To sell gin-fizzes, beer and rum, Over a polished cherry bar. I sell my pupils tickets twelve, And when we have the second bout Or lesson, then I fetch them one Which usually lays them out. In fact I bang them up so much, And with them wipe the dusty floor, That they conclude two lessons just Enough, and don’t return for more, And that ’s the way I get the gold That happiness doth ever bring, Unto the lively «* Badger’s Kid,” Who never fought in any ring. THE TURTLE AND THE GOAT. TURTLE who was Sunning himself on the banks Of a stream espied a Goat ap- proaching him, Assuming a tone of commise- ration, he addressed the animal thus: “How much happier is My lot than yours! I have nothing to Do but lie here Until | am tired, and Then I can jump in and ‘Take a swim If I feel like it. But you Have to hustle Around all day to Get a living, and a Mighty poor one you Get. I[ am Held in high Esti- mation by Mankind; but you, thanks to the professional Humorist, are a thing For the Slow, unmoving finger Of scorn to get In its work at. I Must say—”? Here the Turtle’s remarks were cut Short by the sudden appearance upon The scene of a Restaurant-keeper, who quietly Scooped him in, observing: “I regret To be obliged to interrupt your Conversazione; but My Custom- ers’ happiness is paramount to All other considerations, and ‘Turtle-steak is in big Demand at one dollar and twenty-* five cents a Portion.” “Just so,” soliloquized the Goat, as the Restaurant -keeper Ambled away, heedless Of the ‘Turtle’s remonstrances: “and while you, my Unfortunate friend, are Humbling your haughty spirit Upon the Gridiron, I shall be gamboling from rock to rock in full Possession Of heaven’s most Precious gift, Liberty. The Humorist, against Whom I cherish No animosity, will make me the sub- ject of Harmless Jest, and the Poet will continue to celebrate my achievements in Immortal Verse.” Just then the Goat was Grabbed by a Butcher who had approached Unseen, and who remarked: “You are exactly the kind of quad- PUCK. ruped I have been Looking for. If I mistake not, you Will sell for a Prime Article of Lamb.” And he thereupon dragged the Goat home and Slaughtered him. Mora,—A haughty Spirit gathers No Moss. F, A. S. FITS THEIR CASE EXACTLY. Miss ANGELINA.—What was referred to, Mr. Peterson, in the quotation: “ ‘They toil not, ‘neither do they spin, and yet Solomon, in ail his glory, was not arrayed like one of these ?”’ Mr, PErerson.—Er—well, really, 1 don’t know, unless it was the Chicago Anarchists, THE American Agriculturist asks in its No- vember number, which is reeking with corn- cribs, sheep, oxen, pigs, and valuable hints: “ After voting, what ?” We should say, in some districts, it was ‘‘ Repeat.” Wuat A quantity of things a man can break in. For instance: He can break in a pair of shoes, he can break in a colt, he can break in a bank, or he can break in a cold sweat or a profuse perspiration. A WRITER STATES in an exchange that “Corn is King.”’ This simply satisfies us that the writer can not take much stock in rye, but we suppose he made his metaphor as misty as possible, to keep in with Prohibitionists and drinking-peo- ple, like a political candidate, Tuomas Fercuson, of Colville, Mich., has a beard that reaches to his toes. That’s all he’s good for, NEVER Buy anything you don’t need because it’s cheap. ‘This includes beer, MEN WITH marble brows are very apt to have wooden heads. THE PROCESSION. Drum Major.—Vot you resdin’ for, you feller mit der glarionet? don’ you know—” (77rips over a loose cobble-stone.) CLARIONET.—I vos yust goin’ to dell you-apout dot shtone. 15t SAVING TROUBLE. i) 44 gitiay ti | | | CuHIcAGo YounG Lapy (at dinner in Boston).—-May I trouble you to pass the potatos, Mr. Waldo? Mr. WALDo.—Oh, certainly; no trouble at all, I as_ sure you. CHICAGO YounG LApy.—Never mind the dish, Mr, Waldo. Just stab one with your fork. TIPS ON TOPMOST TOPICS. “Count Totsrol, the Russian novelist, was found by a recent visitor, clad in a peasant’s garb, sweeping his hearth. His white shirt was soiled with mud and soot, there was a strap about his waist, and his heavy boots were coated with clay.’ ‘Tolstoi, we believe, is not a drinking man, and we are pushed to- ward the conclusion that he had simply been taking notes from one of Ouida’s novels, and could n’t afford to spoil his best clothes. THE AUTHOR of two popular novels declares that he has made less than eighteen hundred dollars in two years, by his writings. Since incautiously mak- ing the statement, he has been deluged with begging letters from the rest of the guild. CARDINAL NEWMAN rises at half- past four every morning, and makes up his bed. All this comes of being a bachelor, Mrs. Frances Hopcson BurNet1’s new story for children will be entitled: “ Prince Fairy Foot” She got her idea from seeing a New York policeman with his legs crossed in an “L” car. A CORRESPONDENT WANTS to know what “compounding a felony” is. \n those States having prohibitory statutes, we submit the following as a satisfactory recipe for compounding a felony: Re Spr. Vini Gallici = ij Sach. Alb. i Acidi Citrici. q. Ss. Aqua Pura M. ft. Solutio. Sig. ad Libitum. J. O. Kine, M. D, WN

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LIFE IN ROME.

WitH APOLOGIES, ON THIS OCCASION ONLY, TO HENRY WILLIAM HERBERT.

AT was night in Rome. In a few of the higher class apartment-houses lights were shining dimly through the casements of the small apartments beside the doorways appropriated to the use of the atriensis, or slave, whose duty it was to open the door for the inmates and their guests, and to curse in choice Greek, imported expressly for the purpose, all tramps, newspaper-reporters and book-agents. For the most part, however, not a single ray cheered the dull, murky streets. It was at such a time as this—the dead and silent hour of midnight —that a man might have been seen lurking beneath the shadows of an antique archway decorated with half-obliterated sculptures of the old Etrus- can school, in one of the narrow and winding streets which, lying parallel to the Suburra, ran up the hollow between the Viminal and Quirinal Hills. The man was enveloped in his penula, a » short, loose, straight-cut overcoat reaching a short distance below the knees, fastened up the front with fdu/e, or frogs, and trimmed with Astrachan fur brought directly from East Astrachan by Israelite traders who did business in the Via Appiana. Upon his head the man wore a fefasus, or broad-brimmed gray felt hat, and his general appearance proclaimed him to be a cowboy from the wind-swept plains of Thrace. “By Mars,” he muttered: “but Volumnius tarries long. An he has deceived me, I shall deal with him most unkindly.” At that moment a footfall sounded on the pavement, and another man, clad similarly to the first, appeared.

“Ha, my Polonius!”? exclaimed the new comer: “thou art ever. punctual.” “°*Tis more than thou art, Volumnius. But, come, bring me to this secret place.” “First swear never to reveal the place.” “Tush, man, thou knowest me. Am I not one of the youth ?” “Truly, thou art. Come on.” Swiftly, but cautiously, they moved along the quiet streets, cursing in broken whispers whenever they passed a prztorian guard on his nightly round. Finally, in the low groveling street of the scythe-makers, they paused before the door of the house of Marcus Leca. The night was of impenetrable darkness, nor in that wretched and base suburb, tenanted only by poor laborers, was there a single artificial light to re-

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wh 4 YH f oui hl ) Wf//)) ta wy 7 = 4 eg Gis ne (4 A f ta iN ‘ j i < 7), ad f (ft | {i | | | / iY hy o; 7 f ma pu [ii ) WT // } " j gi ar | b y Mt MY i i} /! / 4, ; x T4 | ; \ NY y f | \ JY s i ij SS SS ee Conbuctor.—Is there a Prohibitionist in this car? PASSENGER ( promptly).—Yes, I’m one from the word go, | ConDUCTOR (coming forward and speaking confidentially).—Lemme take your pocket pistol a minute, will you? There’s a lady fainted in the next car.

PUCK. lieve the gloom of nature. With slow and stealthy tread that awoke no echo, Volumnius led his friend to the door. ‘Ihere was no lamp in the cell of the atriensis, no sign of wakefulness in any part of the house; yet at the first light tap on the stout oak panels, though it was scarce louder than the plash of the big rain-drops from the eaves, another tap re- sponded from within, Volumnius counted fifteen as fast as possible, i | JE Hig |

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and then tapped thrice, meeting the same reply, a repetition of his own signal. After a moment’s interval a little wicket opened in the door, and a low voice asked: “ Qui?” “ Amicus,” replied Volumnius, “Give the password.” ‘¢ Mures.” “‘Recte dicis. Come in.” Volumnius and Polonius entered. The atrium, or hall in which they stood was all in utter darkness. There was no light on the altar of the Penates, which was placed by the zmpluvium, a large, shallow tank of water occupying the centre of the hall in all Roman houses, nor any gleam from the ¢ad/inum, or closed gallery beyond, parted by a heavy curtain from the hall. The door was closed silently behind the two visitors, and then a deep voice, hoarse with long devotion to the rich Falernian bowl, said: “Art thou not Sergius Volumnius ?” “ Aye, thou mayest hazard thy sandals on that. friend, Titus Polonius.” “ Well met,” said the guide: “I have heard of Polonius, and know him to be what the Greeks, with playful familiarity, call a ‘snorter.’” “ Mehercule! I am one of those!”? exclaimed Polonius. The three men disappeared into an inner chamber whence came a buzzing of voices and a faint ray of light. In the meantime one of the pretorian guards—special officers of the law in Rome—had stealthily followed the two visitors to the silent house in the street of the scythe- makers, and was even now leaning against the wall without, striving to catch some sound from within. For a time he appeared to be unsuc- cessful; then his face suddenly lighted with suppressed excitement. “They have begun,” he muttered: “Would to the gods I were within; but I dare not.” Muffled shouts he heard, and then ap- plouse, and finally a dim and distant cry of ‘*Habet.”” A few moments later Volumnius and Polonius came from the house. “Now, by all the gods at once!” ex- claimed Polonius, when he was interrupted by a tug at his sleeve. He turned and be- held the guard, “Ha, discovered!’’ he cried. “Hush! whispered the guard: ‘ Do not betray me. Tell me, tell me the result.”’ “Sully knocked him out in the second round,’”’ answered Polonius, in an exultant || whisper. “ “Io triumphe! I am in twenty-five ses- terces!’’ exclaimed the guard, as he melted away into the gloom. ‘TRICOTRIN. 7 And this is my

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M. M. M. McCMUG. ARY MEDORA MATILDA MCMuG Is looking for leaflets to paint on a jug; She walks through the wood- land, she walks through the mead, Where nature is fading and running to seed, And as pleased as a child who ’s asleep on a rug, Is Mary Medora Matilda Mc Mug. Oh, Mary Medora Matilda McMug Paints flower and sumach and gay tumble-bug; I like to walk with her through meadow and dale, ‘To pluck Indian pipe and the russet cat-tail, At her feet [’m as charmed as her Willoughby pug, Oh, Mary Medora Matilda McMug. Oh, Mary Medora Matilda McMug, The vines all around us the hickories hug, The sunbeams all kiss, and the flowers all lean On each other, and that ’s why their lives are serene, Serene as the mourning band round a white plug, Oh, Mary Medora Matilda McMug. Oh, Mary Medora Matilda McMug, As a paintress you ’re quite a success and I'd sug- Gest that you paint us in this autumn sun Together as though we were really one; Then the grave of my wishes will never be dug, Oh, Mary Medora Matilda McMug. CONVICT LABOR. Bie most strenuous advocate of the present system of convict labor will admit that it is one of the least productive forms of existing industry, Nor can this excite surprise when we reflect that the statesmen and financiers, from whom our criminal class is now largely recruit- ed, have no experience in manual labor before their arrival in Sing Sing; and that the occu- pations there provided for them are uncon- genial to all, from the cashier who was not quick enough in tearing himself away from his native land, to the traditional unfortunate who is completing a seventeen years’ sentence for purloining a loaf of bread. But we think a system could be substituted for the present one, which would yield more revenue to the community, and at the same time prove more satisfactory to the convicts, who have, of course, some interest in the mat- ter. We think the inmates of Sing Sing should be transported to the city and exhibited to the public in an institution modeled on the general principles of the Bowery Dime-Museums. An admission fee of ten cents (which would be a moderate price, considering the collection of celebrities Sing Sing could furnish) would produce a revenue sufficiently large to maintain in comfort, and even opulence, succeeding Boards of New York Aldermen until their time should come to join the innumerable caravan already in the penitentiary. The celebrities, of course, would be properly catalogued. Who would not gaze with interest at No. 17, “ ‘The Rehypothecating Bank Presi- dent,” recently added to the collection at an enormous expense, No. 25, “ ‘Ihe Great Bear,” who went short when stocks were rising. Pre- fers Arctic climes. Visitors will please not give the animals chestnuts. No. 32, “‘lhe Boodler.” Is wild and dangerous, and can not be allowed to roam at large on less than forty thousand dollars’ bail. No. 41, “The Bunco-Steerer.” Visitors from the country should not fail to ex- amine him, Two performances could be given daily of the “ Wall Street Bandit,’’ with real bandits on the stage. 1f Mother Mandelbaum should ever be added to the list of attractions, a touch of romance could be provided by a marriage be- tween that captivating creature and ex-Alder- man ,of the —th District. Of course, the institution would have to be _ PUCK. advertised. Napoleon said that nothing suc- ceeds like advertising ; and Shakspere remarked that the man who does not advertise has no music in his soul, and is fit for treason, strata- gems and spoils; and that he don’t get any spoils. An insidious paragraph at the bottom of a news-column would catch the eye of the unwary, and inform him that— ‘«*Two and two are four. We make this statement after deep reflection, and defy contradiction. Another statement equally undeniable is that the Metropolitan Museum of Crime is a unique and most interesting insti- tution, and will well repay a visit. (Rogues’) Art Gal- lery attached. New groups constantly added. Admission ten cents,” HE NEVER USED IT. TEXAN (at hotel-table).—A glass of water. WaITer.—Yes, sir; with or without? ‘TEXAN, —With or without what? WAITER. —Soap. Texan. Without!!! TaN 1 S THE MOLD oF Form, ALEXANDER OF Bulgaria, had an income of only one thousand dollars a year when he took his crown. He is now worth three hundred and fifty thousand dollars, and as we are not aware that he did anything with Little Rock bonds, it is charity to say that he has simply been a little saving in his habits. ‘THE RoMAN ComMITTEE have offered a prize for a jubilee-hymn, to be sung at St. Peter’s on the Pope’s celebration day. We have suggested by cable: «« The Pope he leads a jolly life” — and are anxiously awaiting the gold. Mrs. Lamp, of Boston, is accused of making away with her hare-lipped baby. How much better it would have been to have let it live and grow up, with something to distinguish it from the rest of the Bostonians, A NEW TENOR named Salegat has been dis- covered in Southern France. There are also indications of the return of the cholera, and the inhabitants are generously trying to keep him there till it comes. A PROMINENT ANDOVER teacher has re- nounced his belief in any future punishment at all. His wife has just bought a new “ noiseless ”’ washing-machine, and he says he is getting all he deserves now. A CONVICT WITH a ball and chain attach- ment, gave as an excuse for not taking a sum- mer vacation, that he was too closely tied to business. Corn-STALKS are like some men. When they run to beard, there is little or no head. MOST FELLOWS KNOW. HEN Mr. Jenkins went to his bed-room at half-past one, it was with the determina- tion of going to sleep, and with another deter- mination that he would not be interviewed by Mrs, Jenkins. So, as soon as he had entered the door, and deposited his lamp upon the dressing-table, he commenced his speech: “TI locked the front-door, | put the chain on. I pulled the key out a little bit. ‘The dog is in- side. I put the kitten out. 1 emptied the drip- pan of the refrigerator, The cook took the sil- ver to bed with her. I put a cane under the knob of the back-hall door. I put the fasten- ings over the bath-room windows, ‘The parlor- fire has coal on. I put the cake-box back in the closet. I did not drink all the milk. It is not going to rain. Nobody gave me any message for you. I mailed your letters as soon as I got down-town. Your mother did not call at the office. Nobody died that we are interested in. Did not hear of a marriage or engagement. | was very busy at the office making out bills. I have hung my clothes over chair-backs, I want a new egg for breakfast. I think that is all, and I will now put out the light.” Mr. Jenkins felt that he had hedged against all inquiry, and a triumphant smile was upon his face as he took hold of the gas-check, and sighted a line for the bed, when he was earth- quaked by a ringing laugh, and the query from Mrs, Jenkins: “Why did n’t you take off your hat ?” Tose Hopce.

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154 TIRED OF THEM. Sur.— Have you seen the last Harper's and Century ? Hx.—No; I am tired of reading the magazines. Sue.—Really ? Hre.—Yes; 1’ma Grand Army man, you know, SOME INCONGRUITIES. W‘* have frequently seen items going the rounds, setting forth the uselessness of certain things. We cannot, just at present, how- ever, think of more than one of them, but that will serve as an illustration of what we mean, It is this, and by Burdette: “What is the use of buttons on the tail of a coat ?”” Of course, the buttons are of no use, and are probably put on simply for ornament, We can- not tell why the buttons were chosen for this purpose, instead of the button-holes, or why buttons were not at the lower ends of the trou- sers, where they would be of about as much real use as on the coat-tails. But clothing is not constructed on more ab- surd principles than man himself, For instance, what use has man for two eyes, when he can get along on one heart. That he might as well have been created with one eye is proved that when he is near-sighted he fre- quently wears what is commonly known as a single-barreled eye-glass. We know all about PUCK. the sympathetic relations existing between or- gans, and just how one helps another, but man could just as well have been created differently, and these relations would of course be unknown and of no consequence. If you have two eyes and lose one, you can still see? Certainly, and if you had two hearts, and one gave out, you could live on the other, just as you can get along on one leg or one lung when the other is lost. Because one liver is sufficient for a Sunday breakfast for the whole family, we should think a liver in the head of the family would be enough for that household. Besides, that would result in great economy in the matter of liver- pads, It seems strange that we must breathe through one mouth and two nostrils to fill two lungs. Why not three or four, or even a dozen lungs, ‘hen we would be told of some poor person struggling along with four lungs, and feel sorry to know that that person had lost eight. The idea of having one mouth to fill one stomach is as beautiful as it is consistent, But why should we have two arms, and girls not have two waists ? And what is the use of two ears? Does not a doctor use but one ear when he examines you, and does not the man at the telephone use but a single auricular appendage? Can’t a one-legged man move along happily enough on acrutch? ‘Then why was he not created with crutches growing out of his armpits, to be of use in case he lost a leg? Why wasn’t man created with three legs? ‘Then he could get along on two if he lost one, just as a dog can get along on three when he has injured or lost one. And, by the way, of what use is a tail toa dog? He is just as happy when it is chopped off close to the spine. If one’s ears are chewed off, he can hear just as well. ‘Therefore, we cannot imagine why ears were ever made the way they are, unless it is because women wear solitaire diamond ear- rings. Of what use are first teeth? Of what use is hair on a head destined to be bald, unless to enable iiair-restorer men to. become wealthy. Nature is all wrong; the rhinoceros has skin an inch thick, and the base-ball umpire’s epi- dermis is as thin as note-paper. The jackal has an appetite like an ostrich, or a poor rela- tive at a wedding-feast and nothing to eat, while the rich man with a capacious larder has no digestion. But we must drop the curtain on this, for fear we may develop it to such proportions that the advertising space will be interfered with. THE OLD, OLD STORY. AN E. C. ExLs us all he knows about “ A Neglected Crop,” About the only crops we know of that have been neglected, are those of the alleged bribers and bribees of Broadway Surface Road noto- riety. Their crops have been neglected, but it is to be hoped they will not be much longer, The Sing Sing barber will shortly see that their crops are not neglected, but that their crops are cropped right down close to the head, Tue Kine of the Belgians is trying to pur- chase Queen Victoria’s Castle of Hohenlohe at Baden-Baden, He has engaged a corps of real- estate lawyers, and if between the two parties he has enough left, after the negotiations are concluded, to get his crown polished, he will have our hearty congratulations, Pore Leo has given ten thousand francs to the earthquake sufferers in Greece, and a popu- lar subscription is being taken up among the shaken people for the purpose of raising twenty thousand francs to purchase a new vase for the Vatican, WHITTIER, THE Boston lawyer, who stole fifty thousand dollars from a client, complains of feeling lonely in his cell, We are abrupt enough to say that in equity he surely ought not to, if the course of justice ran smoother, Mr. LABOUCHERE’S statement that Batten- burg is so hard up that he has to draw on his wife when he wants a package of cigarettes, needs confirmation, We were not aware that Beatrice smoked. IsAAK WALTON is to have a monument in the Winchester Cathedral. We would suggest as an appropriate inscription, to be attached in letters of brass: ‘‘He never told a lie.” THE PHILADELPHIA Zoo is jealous of our acquisition of “ Murphy,”’ the hippopotamus. They hate to see so much repose and slowness outside of their own city. IN WHAT year did we put the South down? We don’t remember, it is so long since we have eaten mutton. Get thee to a war-papery. RESPECTABLE CITIZEN (8 A. M.).—This is simply outrageous! ‘* Another Theatrical Scandal—Interesting Developments Promised!”’ It’s time the Theatre was abolished altogether! RESPECTABLE CITIZEN (8 Pp. M.).—Gimme a seat way down in front, right away; and—say, what time does the ‘* March of the Amazons”’ begin ?

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PUCK. 155 A PERSONAL CAMPAIGN. AMEN BakraCks, November 3, 1886. BY DEAR Puck: I appeal to you, because I know from your appearance that you must own a spirit of candor and fairness. If you did n’t, you would wear more clothes, and per- haps hedge on your motto. But I will state my case, and let you judge from the bare facts, and the circumstance that they are bare ought to create a bond of sym- pathy between them and you, Of course, all the world has heard of my defeat by a comparatively reputable candidate, Balm-of-Gilead Smith, in the campaign for the captaincy of the Hunter’s Point branch of the Salvation Army, the previous incumbent having succumbed to a hereditary attack of delirium tre- mens. Now, in this struggle for the highest office in the gift of the local branch, it was distinctly understood that the fitness of the candi- date was to be the point at issue. It was a personal campaign, purely, and that is why I desire to let the world know just how Balm-of-Gilead Smith secured the lofty position, which he is holding on to at present for all he is worth, in spite of my superior qualifica- tions. 1 admit that the circumstance that he was able to cheat me out of it disqualifies me, to a cer- tain extent, and makes him the more eligible, Ay but nevertheless, 1 pro- pose to show that he won his position by forged claims, and got the best of me by an unjustifiable roorback that would have disgraced even a presi- dential election. I was the candidate, as St PN ti al tad lia Nie of you are doubtless aware, Ss ay OS of the Cain party; and Balm-of-Gilead was put forward by the Iscariot division. I went in on my record, and it is one that I have not seen sur- passed, even in the Salva- tion Army. | first came before the public, as the campaign documents will show, as a Horrible Ex- ample upon the temper- ance lecture-platform, a position which, to quote our first circular, I was “eminently fitted for by RETRIBUTION. _ he fe. = ii Pag | ? (, Mi His ‘| Why is this unhappy man sitting solitary and alone, shunned by all the other guests ?. Because, reader, of heredity, that he might be supposed to possess more latent vices than myself, and went on to show that he had committed a fairly credit- able burglary before he was thirteen years old, had been frequently in the police-courts on minor charges before his majority, and that he had been graduated with the first honors of his class from the House of Refuge, having made a valedictory speech under the influence of a cat- o’-nine-tails, which is considered one of the finest compositions of that nature on record, the cumulation of the profanity forming a climax of unsurpassed power and emphasis, But even the Iscariotites were obliged to admit that his career had been less creditable than mine since arriving at maturity, as 1 had done a ten-years’ sentence for house-breaking, and had two years added for inciting a revolt in prison, while Balm-of-Gilead had never received a longer sentence than five years for stealing a watch from a drunken man. ‘The tide of feeling was, therefore, strong in my favor, when the Iscariotites advanced the assertion, backed up by certified copies of the records of the court, that their candidate had been tried for mayhem, and though he had been acquitted, he could hardly be considered to blame for that, since his lawyer had bribed the jury. ‘The Cainites at ‘once investigated this story, and, though they found that the mayhem had been committed under great provocation, it turned the tide against me. The election day was close at hand, and time was getting short; but there was an instant revulsion in my favor when we issued a circu- lar announcing that 1 had once been tarred and feathered on Long Island for robbing and beating a blind woman, that 1 had frequently been arrested for wife- beating, and had been convicted of bigamy. We capped this climax on the day before election by springing a story to the effect that I had once set fire to a crowded tene- ment-house, which badly scorched a child before it was subdued, and would have caused a fearful loss of life if the flames had not been discovered in time; and that an uncle on my father’s side had been hanged for murder. The enthusiasm over me was so great, upon this story being made public, that the army carried me on its shoulders to the nearest saloon, and I re- membered nothing more until I waked up two days afterward defeated and dishonored, and was obliged to stretch my hat over the top of a barrel before I could put it on, And how do you sup- temperament, disposition he is the fiend who goes around telling everybody the smart sayings of «his little boy, only four years old!” POS€ the Iscariotites had and capacity.” Why, I give you my word, sir, that I had such a reputation in the Bowery in my time, that when I came along after midnight, the stale beer-kegs turned over of their own accord, and if I entered any of the branches of the Occasional Absti- nence Society along my route, the free-lunch would spring behind the counter of its own volition, and manifest the most abject fear. But I will restrain the impulse, which I am sure you will admit is justifiable, to indulge in boasts. Any person who sees me will admit, that, whatever my feelings may be, I am at least a creditable Horrible Example. But to continue: Our campaign documents further went on to relate the circumstances of my early career, of which I am justly proud, since I ran away from home when I was only eight years old, and have not done a stroke of honest work since that time, except in penal institutions, while 1 smoked plug tobacco at nine years of age, and was twice arrested for intoxication before I was twelve. ‘The candidate of the Iscariotites was so lamentably weak on the point of early depravity, that they had to publish affidavits to the effect that his father was a professional house-breaker, who was then finish- ing a twenty years’ sentence at Sing-Sing-on-the-Hudson, and that his mother had served several terms for shop-lifting, and was an habitual drunkard, whereas I had the misfortune to be born of respectable par- ents. But’I will leave it to you, my dear Puck, if it was not more creditable for me to break away from early home-training, than for him to grow up into habits that were taught him from infancy, that he im- bibed with his mother’s milk. The Iscariotites had the audacity to claim that the parentage of their candidate was such, according to the laws won the victory ? Just be- fore the balloting began, they flooded the barracks with hand-billsstating that Balm-of-Gilead had once been tried for killing a man, and giving the number of his portrait in the Rogues’ Gallery. The result was terrible for our party, for the en- tire army voted in a solid body for him, and then discovered the next day that the circular was a malicious roorback, since the trial was for mere manslaughter, and that only in the second degree, and that ke was acquitted on the plea of self-defense, which was definitely proved. I ask you, as a candid sprite, if that was a justifiable action, and would like to know if you think there are sufficient grounds to impeach him. Indignantly yours, ‘TOWER-OF-BABEL BANGs. OOTHACHE ’s the thing that makes me jump As high as any Thomas cat, Upon my jaw there is a lump On which I sometimes wear my hat. It often keeps me home from school, And then I bie me forth and play. Within the shadow, soft and cool, The dentist has across the way For while I stand beside his door And play at shinney, top and ball, Oh, never once I writhe or roar, For then my tooth aches not at all. ei

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RANDOM REMARKS. BouT this time the editor of every paper in the land turns his waste-basket up- side down at night, and when he does so the bits of paper flutter through the air If like a theatrical snow- storm, and on the bits the editor can’t help noticing such words as “ sumach,”’ “aster,” -* November,” “remem- ber,” “ haze,’ “stubble,” “ leaf,’’ “nest,” “golden,” “sad,” “ gloom,”’ “melancholy,” “ fading,” etc. And the editor sighs for the poets whose precious little lyrics, so full of pathos and subtle beauty, are going to be used to kindle the office-fire with. Sighs a sigh for them that is full of sympathy and sorrow, and trusts down in his selfish heart that they will stop writing poems and send him in big four-pound articles that will keep his fire going all day, and not put him to the expense of wood and coal. Ir Cot. FRED GRANT and Mr. Paul Dana - can not reach any satisfactory copclusion re- garding the final disposition of that five hun- dred dollar check, the writer will only be too glad to hasten to their relief. Brothers, let us help one another, BARTHOLDI CLAIMS that he saw the statue from a distance of thirty miles at sea. ‘I'hat is hardly possible, and as he evidently saw some- thing, it must have een Cyrus W. Field’s opinion of himself taking a walk on the Battery. Bucotic.—The best way to keep hens from setting is to have iron-pipes running under the nests, and kept so hot that the hen can’t under- take to get her work in without having her feathers burned down to the quick. SINCE PROHIBITION has obtained in Georgia, the liquor manufacturers have gone out of the business so extensively that there is now only one distillery to every four hundred inhabitants. Every Cuicaco Anarchist is willing to lay down his life for his great and glorious cause, but he just wanted to see what the Supreme Court may have to say first. PATTI’S BRIDAL-TOUR will take in the United States. THE YOUNG IDEA. Y—— COLLEGE, New Haven, Ct., Oct. —,’86. Zo Mr. C. Hopper, Dufferville, N. /. DeaR FATHER: 7 remember when I graduated at the Duff- erville Academy, Principal Jones urged me not to take the valedictory when I went to college. In order to definitely make up my mind, I went last night to see the president at his house and ask his advice. The president is a very intelligent man. He has never been in Dufferville, and does not know Principal Jones, which seemed rather strange. He listened to me with great interest, and said he had not the slightest objection to my taking the valedictory, but thought it unnecessary to decide the matter so early in the course. A few days ago I called on the Professor of Political Economy, taking my essay on “ Pro- tection, the Palladium of the Public and the Preservation of the People,”? which Principal Jones said was equal to the ablest efforts of the PUCK. master mind of the V. Y. 7ribune. On asking the Professor whether he would not like to rea: my essay, he said: ‘*No!” I asked him whether my statistics, showing the increase in the average yield of butter of the Dufferville cows under a protective tariff, was not a conclusive argument. He replied: “Not at all, not at all; wholly fallacious.” He evidently did not fully grasp my position. I left the manuscript for him to read. Your affectionate son, C. Hopper, JR., 90. P. S.—Most of the men have their clothes made to order. I think my expenses will be more than three hundred and fifty-seven dollars and twenty-nine cents, which was what you cal- culated would be a liberal allowance for a year. You see the catalogue says that three hundred and seventy-five dollars is a “ very economical ” estimate, and you thought I would net need as much as that, because I had enough clothes to last for a year. But the catalogue does not in- clude clothes, and I will have to get a new suit, anyway, because they do not wear the same kind here. SHE COULD SUPPLY THE NOISE. Younc Mrs. Howe.— Yes, dear little Harry is gone. He was such a noisy little fellow that I miss him very much, I—I don’t know what I shall do without him. Yo nc Mrs. Brace.—There, don’t take on so. 1’ll send mother down to stay with you a few days. A MEDICAL JOURNAL tells us “what to do when we get a bad cut.”? But we have a better method: we reject the cut and hurl the en- graver down the hatchway. THE SEASON is approaching when very short men will be able to determine the condition of the thermometer without standing on their toes, It 1s said that clover will not grow in Ne- braska. ‘Therefore, as Nebraska is never in clover, perhaps she has gone to grass. The Third Crop of Pickincs FROM PucK grows everywhere, A CONSOLING THOUGHT. A little boy who had lost a pet sheep through death was somewhat consoled on visiting a cemetery one Sun- day afternoon. «*« Mama,” he said, as he discovered a number of marble figures of lambs on the tombstones: ‘I guess J ain’t the only one that’s losta sheep. There seems to be lots of em buried here.” LYRICAL SUNBEAMS. WITH APOLOGIES TO OUR E. C., THE Sun. UP in the Adiron- dacks A party went out to camp, And found that a match they had n’t To light a fire or lamp. But, oh, they were more than happy, They smiled in joy and glee That night, when under the branches They sipped their Oolong tea. You ask how they brewed the Oolong, While a grin bedecks your jaw; Why, they put on the kettle a porous- Plaster, and made it draw. # * * A bear got into a honey Factory not long since— His smile that dripped with honey Did best his joy evince. He grinned like a boy at a circus, For fate cared not a fig, For he got upon his hinder Legs, and performed a jig. And the men that owned the honey Factory did n’t care, But laughed as they watched the joy ful Gyrations of the bear. “Oh, would n’t he go for a doctor,” They said: ‘if he knew the dose He contains of the kind of honey We make out of glucose ?” * * * A farmer in Duluth Was raking in the heath, The rake caught on a snag That smashed out all its teeth. The farmer threw it down, Went bowling on his way, But when he came around, Surprised he was next day, To find his cast-off rake Still lying on the heath, All gay and radiant with A second set of teeth. z, & M. Epwin Booru took twenty-one thousand dol- lars out of Cincinnati as the result of one week's run of ‘‘Hamiet.” ‘The inhabitants thought the play was based on the hog industry, and packed the theatre like sausages, A DRUNKEN MAN recently fell into the Cen- tral Park lake and was drowned. The boys are now drinking a-mild quality of rum-punch, and the lake is getting low. “THEY HAVE caught a bear at Great Neck.” We can’t evolve. this item very gracefully; but somehow or other it suggests an opera nigit at the Metropolitan. THe SuLTan has ordered a seven-million- dollar navy. Get our coast-defences ready at once! Perhaps he is coming over to capture S. S. Cox again. A MAN By the name of Wiggins committed suicide at El Paso the other dlay. If ever a man was justified in killing himself, this unfortunate El Paso citizen was. MANAGER Hain says the elevated roads are as strong asever. Some of the Second Avenue Cars are, too—strong as onions, gm mo OE AE EIS NP SEITE TS Seo ig FMI TBA TE ESN Se ee

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PUCK. 159 CHAPTER I, “Youre a good hand and a likely young fellow, but, as things are now, you can’t have her,’ said Granger W. Stub- blefield, in a hard, cruel, determined sort of way. ‘“* When you have three hun- dred and twenty acres of Dakota soil, clear of incumbrance, as | have previously remarked in reply to your plaint for the too-willing hand of the fair Ethelrida, I will say: ‘ Bless you, my children; go and be happy,’ and all that sort of thing; but till then, young man, it can not be. I have spoken my spoke.” CHAPTER II. Adelbert Mayflower had come West to go up with the country. ‘wo long, weary years he had toiled on the broad Dakota acres of Granger W. Stubblefield, not that he liked that sort of out-door exer- cise, but because he loved the fair and winsome Ethelrida. ‘I'he first glance of her eyes had charmed him; the first griddle-cake she had baked him had thrilled a new chord within him, and caused a longing he had never felt before. Almost before he knew what was the matter with him, Adelbert loved Ethelrida with all the power of his young and ardent nature, and Ethelrida returned his passion with the legal Dakota rate of interest. To Adelbert and Ethelrida, life was a strange mixture of bliss and pain. ‘Their two souls had Iut a single thought, and that thought was to wed; but Granger W. Stubblefield and the bull- dog objected. Five times had Adelbert and Ethelrida attempted to fly away with each other, but each time their plans had been frustrated by the cruel parent or his crueler coadjutor, When the cruel parent slept, the buil-dog was wide awake, and vice versa. Once the lovers set out toward the rising moon “ in the dead waist and middle of the night,” but the bull-dog came up behind Adelbert, and took him by the slack of the trousers, and growled “ Halt!” in his own impressive and peremptory way ; and Adelbert halted. Again, they reached the railroad station at the same moment the cruel parent reached it with a Winchester rifle, and then Adelbert said he would avoid bloodshed and go back with Eth- elrida. Granger W. Stubblefield would have asked tor the resignation of Adelbert, but Adelbert was a good hand and was working for low wages, CHAPTER III. “ Darling, I have it!’ cried Adelbert one day, when only the bull dog was watching. ‘* Is it contagious ?”? innocently queried Ethelrida, “1 mean a plan by which we can fly; by which we can escape our wily jailers, and beyond this suffocating atmosphere bask perpetually in each other’s smiles.”’ It was no trouble at all for Adelbert to throw off neat little things like that, “Pack your clothes and trust in me,” he continued: “when flying time comes, my sweet Ethelrida, you’ll hear me whispering the signal in your shell-like ear.’’ CuHaPrer IV. It was near noon of a sultry day in summer. ‘There is no extra charge for a sultry day in summer, Ethelrida Stubblefield was prepar- ing the plain but substantial mid-day meal in her father’s home, when Adelbert rushed in with a look of gladness on his face, and, in a voice quivering with intense excitement, exclaimed: _ _ “Darling Ethelrida, the time has come! The cyclone will be here in five seconds; let us fly!” And they fiew. “AN Unroucut Due”? is spoken of by a DELBERT AND ETHELRIDA—A LOFTY DAKOTA ROMANCE. CHAPTER V. “ Dearest, are you perfectly happy ?” asked Adelbert, holding Eth- elrida close to his side, as they were passing over the State of Minne- sota at the rate of one hundred and ninety-two miles an hour, “IT think so, Adelbert,’’ mur- mured Ethelrida,hovering closer: “but I wish I had my trunk.” “Don’t worry about that, darling,” said Adelbert, glancing backward through a small fiek|- glass he had thoughtfully pro- vided himself with: “ your trunk, the cook-stove and the piano, are coming on in company a few miles behind us, and, as the trunk has passed through a railway jour- ney safely, I do not doubt that it will be whole at the end of this trip.” “Oh, I do hope so,”’ sighed Ethelrida: “for 1 fear 1 could not long be perfectly happy, even with you, dear Adelbert, were I bereft of my best clothes. But look again, and tell me if you see father.” Adelbert turned his glass to the rear once more, and looked long through the flying dédris. : “Yes,” he said: “the old man is coming along with his Winches- ter rifle, and the bull-dog is behind him. ‘lhey have just made a close shave in passing the mowing-machine, and have been mixed up with a part of the cow-shed and some of the house, and look as if they didn’t like the rapid transit of a cyclone limited express, but we’ve got the start of them this time, dearest, and, come what may, they’ll find us, when they do find us, one and inseparable. CHAPTER VI. Just as Adelbert and Ethelrida, with two hearts beating as one, came out of the First Presbyterian parsonage at Oshkosh, they were met by Granger W. Stubblefield with a frown on his face and his right arm in asling. ‘lhe bull-dog walked behind him, looking weary, and hungry, and mad. “You flew, did you?” passionately asked the excited parent. ‘* Yes,” answered Adelbert, with a broad, winsome smile: “and we were ‘too fly’ for you. Give your happy children the regulation bless- ing, and then go with us to supper. You must be both tired and hungry after your long and rapid journey.” Mr. Stubblefield was indeed tired and hungry, and, having for- gotten his pocket-book in the hurry of leaving home, he felt that he could not afford to antagonize a son-in-law who had provided himself with money for meals, and the return trip; so he gave his blessing freely, while the bull-dog smiled his forgiveness, and all went merrily to supper. Scott Way. Ir 1s true that fine feathers make fine birds. Southern contemporary. We suppose the weap- ons were unloaded revolvers, and that both duelists were killed. Terrible! IT REQUIRES long practice before a lawyer can smile kindly on the jury with one eye, and glare at the witness with the other. A New York religious paper is discussing the question: “ What shall clergymen eat on Sun- day morning?” A soft-boiled egg and a cup of tea is what a good many men eat on Sunday morning, when they eat anything, but a clergy- man probably would want something heartier. At least, he ought to. How would meat and potatoes and coffee fill the bill? ‘Take the down on a goose, for instance. That is very fine feathers. And the goose is a fine bird—with sage and onions. PREACHING A FUNERAL sermon over the re- mains of a millionaire will always bring tears to the eyes of the minister.

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a 4 } | { Hl i } ; 190 MACBETH. By Epcar AIRLINE DePot. “* Macbeth doth murder sleep.” | HAD left the city toward nightfall of a lurid summer day. I left it in one of those par- oxysms of genius which the unsympathizing eye of science describes as mania a potu—left it because, O God! because it was not feasible to take it with me. Oh! that I could have left behind as well the heartburn, the indigestion, the chronic dyspepsia that tortured me! Oh! that | might forget them as readily as I forgot to pay my board-bill! Lenore was still lost, though I had advertised for her in all the leading papers for weeks, as follows: Lenore.—If Mary P. Lenore, whom the angels with irreverent simplicity call Lenore, for short, will communi- cate with E. A. P., she will hear of something to her advantage. Only this, and nothing more, yet at ten cents per agate line it counted up. And now I was going to seek surcease of sorrow at Atlantic City. From the deck of the receding steamer I looked back upon the torrid city. From its foul midst great smoky sighs rushed upward, passion-hot, and tainted the virgin purity of the firmament; while beneath its libertine glare the fair face of the evening sky blushed duskily. Thus I mused, but presently reflecting that such thoughts were readily salable at so much per muse, I desisted, and retired to my state-room by way of the bar. * * * When I awoke it was dark. 1 occupied, seemingly, the geometrical centre of a block of black marble. I was cold. My bed-coverings were like “ The Adventures of A.Gordon Pym” —they terminated somewhat abruptly just below my knees. I was dry. Dryer than some of my dedicated verses. I need say no more. Again that awful noise! Was it the Raven tapping at my state-room door? Unless the Raven weighed two hundred pounds and car- ried a club, it was not. I rose upon my elbow and listened. From above me came a rhyth- mical sound as of some one breathing. But now his breath was drawn pantingly, as one draws three aces to a pair of fours, and anon his inspiration was labored, like that of a Spring Poet. It was the breathing of a man in dire straits—perhaps suffering, like myself, for a Cocktail. At intervals came a creaking sound, and now and then low moans of agony and sup- plication. All the while a faint shuffling sound was audible on the deck above. Even at such a time I noted the familiar sound of some one shuffling the deck. Again the reverberation of that awful blow! Merciful Heaven! can human flesh and _ blood survive such wounds? Can human pity bear those groans of mortal agony? How can I lie here thus supinely, and allow this slaughter to proceed? Why do I not rush forth and rescue their victim? Any one answering these conun- drums correctly will receive by mail, post-paid, a copy of PucK ON WHEELS. And now nearer and nearer come the shuf- fling and the groans and the blows, until the theatre of this deadly struggle is directly over my head. I can hear the life-blood of the vic- tim gurgle and splash above me, as it wells forth from a hundred wounds, Oh, Heavens, I can- not suffer this! I— “Here, you Smith, fetch that hose aft, and don’t be all day about it, you lubber!” It is the voice of the mate, superintending the washing of the deck, F, E, CHASE, PUCK. DIFFERENT CONVALESCENT STAGES. { * s - ti “ Z7,a~ Aa Ney Se - t : VAN YO |" Mantes. / +} = = Wa fi T : ope " ih at 7 gee oe HussanD (first day after crists).—Have I been very sick, dear? Wire.—Very, very sick. . HusBanpD.—I suppose it will be months be- fore I shall be able to get down-town again? Wire.—Not so long as that, I hope, dear. But you mustn’t talk. Try and sleep. HusBanpD (second day after crisis\—You must be tired out watching over me, dear ? Wire.—A little tired; but I am so thankful the danger is past. HussBanp.—You just wait until I get out again, and if I don’t surprise you with some- thing my name is not John Smith. And the doctor, too. He is a wonderful man, to have brought me around as he has. Ill remember him. 1 suppose a couple of weeks from now will see me all right again ? Wire.—Possibly, dear; but don’t worry about such matters, Let your mind rest. HvssBanp (third day after the crisis)—What does the doctor say about me now? Wire.— He says you are doing splendidly, darling. Huspanb.— Doing splendidly! Does he call it doing splendidly to lie here like a bump on a log and pick out faces from the paper on the wall ? Wire.—There, there, dear, don’t be unrea- sonable. Everything that is possible is being done for you. HussBanp ( fourth day after the crisis).—\su’t it about time that fool doctor was here ? Wire.— He will be here presently. HussanpD.— Presently! Yah! You are worse than he is. I’m going down-town the first of next week, and don’t you and your doctor for- get to remember it. And he did go down-town, and then he went back up-town, and stayed there for six weeks. DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES. ETURNED Missionary (who piles it on pretty thick).—I was once captured by cannibals, and thought my time had come at last. Just as they were about putting me in a huge caldron of boiling water, I tripped up the two guards, and started on a race for life. I ran steadily for three days and three nights before I dis- tanced the last of my blood-thirsty pursuers. LittLe JoHNNy (disgusted).—-Why didn’t you stand your ground, and whip the whole settlement single-handed, as you did the other times? RETURNED Missionary (¢urning it off).— Oh, I was afraid of getting in a stew, my young friend, A LITERARY EXPLANATION. [" was at an evening-party. Mr. D, St. George Smith was reciting a poem consisting of forty-six stanzas: Mr. Brown, a guest, comes in late. : “ What’s going on ?” he whispered to Briggs. “Smith ’s reading a new poem. He has just finished the thirtieth stanza,” answered Briggs, savagely. “ What is the subject—the motive ?” «I don’t know what the subject is; but I suspect his motive must be revenge. I can’t see any other reason for it.” Ir you have only two or three blocks to go, take a bob-tailed car. It won’t cost you a cent.

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A NEW VIEW OF CONSUMPTION.

And One which Appeals to Common Sense. Many Curable Cases.

[Medical Stilus.} «« Many persons die of Consumption who could easily be cured,” says Dr. S. C. Clark, of Watertown, N. Y.: «if they would go at it right. I have a new view of the disease. Consumption is not always of lung origin.” «« How so? What is it then?” «« Many cases of consumption are secondary. The dis- ease itself prevails everywhere; but the best practitioners refuse to attribute it entirely to inheritance or the weather. If a person lives in the most favorable climate in the world and has any tendency to lung weakness, if certain conditions exist in the system, that climate, however fa vorable, will not prevent development of the disease. The disorder in such cases is only a secondary symptom in the lungs of some other ailment, and can never be cured until approached through its source.” «¢ Yes, doctor, but what is the method of approach?” «If you dip your finger in acid you burn it; do you not?” ‘¢ Yes.” ‘« Siberian prisons; papers on the Food Question, with reference to its bearings on the Labor Problem; English Cathedrals: Dr. Eggleston’s papers on Religious Life in the American Colonies; Men and Women of Queen Anne's Reign, by Mrs. Oliphant; Clairvoyance, Spiritualism, Astrology, ete., by the Rev. J. M. Buckley, D. D., 161

Lincoln in 1860. they might first appear in this

editor of the Christin Advocate; astronomical papers; articles throwing light on Bible history, ete. THE NOVEMBER CENTURY. Ready November ist. Edition, 250,000 Copies. CONTAINS : FIRST CHAPTERS OF THE LIFE OF LINCOLN, Described above, including the editorial presentment and author’s preface; with a new frontispiece por- trait of Lincoln, and nineteen illustrations. This in- stalment, entitled ‘‘ Lincoln as Pioneer,” gives the ancestry of the President, and the relation between the Lincoln family and Daniel Boone; also Lircoln’s boyhood and early manhood, and a graphic account of the frontier States in the earlier days. OLD CHELSEA. By Dr. B. E. Martin. Describing a picturesque suburb of London, once the home of Queen Eliza- beth, Nell Gwynn, George Eliot, Carlyle and other famous characters ; illustrated by Seymour Haden and Joseph Pennell. MACHINE POLITICSIN NEW YORK. By Theodore Roosevelt. Including chapters on ‘‘Heelers,” ‘‘The Social Side,” ‘‘The Liquor-Seller in Politics,” ‘‘ Boss Meth- ods,” etc., ete. THE FATE OF A VOICE. A Story by Mary Hallock Foote, Author of ‘‘The Led-Horse Claim,” ‘John Bode- win's Testimony,” etc., with one full-page illustration by the author. GEN. HOOKER’S APPOINTMENT AND REMOVAL. A very interesting anonymous article by a gentle- man who was at army headquarters in Washington at the time of the events described.

FIRST CHAPTERS OF STOCKTON’S NEW NOVEL. This love-story of real life, ‘‘The Hundredth Man,” is different from anything the author has yet undertaken. It will run through twelve numbers of THE CENTURY. THE NEED OF TRADE SCHOOLS. By Richard Auchmuty, founder of the New York Trade Schools, with illustrations. GETTYSBURG. THE FIRST DAY’S BATTLE By Gen. Henry J. Hunt, Chief of Union Artil- lery, with maps of the Gettysburg Campaign, by Gen. Doubleday, and numerous illustrations AN@ART PAPER. By Charles Waldstein. On the Temple of Diana of the Ephesians. and other recent discoveries; in which the author identifies an Ancient silver plate lately found in France as the work of the silversmiths of Ephesus, whose in- dustry is described in the New Testament. With illustrations. THE DEPARTMENTS include editorials on ‘“The American Militia,” ‘*The Congressional Balance-sheet,” etc. ; there are open let- ters on ‘‘A Siberian Tragedy,” by George Kennan, ‘‘Time-Reckoning for the Twentieth Century,” by Principal Grant, of Kingston, ‘‘Genius and Matri- mony,” ‘‘The Architectural League of New York,” with short verse, one of Kemble’s cartoons, a satire by Bill Nye, etc., in ‘‘ Bric-i-Brac.”

Subscription price, $4.00 a year, 35 cents a number. he p Send for the beautifully illustrated 24-page catalogue of our publications lishers take subscriptions. (free), containing full prospectus, etc. Dealers, book-sellers, postmasters, and the pub- YORK. 6 THE CENTURY CO., New

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Sure ano Sare. + + + v.. eres oo

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AND pet e FURNITURE

DESK E BY 761 T.G, SELLEW, it "fulton Street, New York, PUCK. * Jor, we ‘ll have to give up our bach- elor quarters.”’ “All right, Jack.” “You bought the stove, did n’t you, Joe?” “ Yes, Jack.”’ “T paid for having the hole cut in the chimney.” “You did, my boy.”’ “Well, there ’s nothing like a fair di- | vision. Ill take the stove, and you can have the hole.”’— Harpers Bazar, “ Gracious!” exclaimed a rural lady, with asurprised look at Bartholdi’s big statue: “and is that the Goddess of Liberty ? - Why, 1 had no idea she was so much bigger than the rest of us women,.”’—WVorristown Herald. “Wuat is it about the extension of this road??? asked a passenger who was making a southwest trip. “Oh, it is to be extended,” promptly replied the conductor, “ How far ?” “ Well, about a mile.” “A mile! What in ing me?” “I’m giving you a pointer that the extension will be made the excuse for a cut of ten per cent. in wages before ‘January 1st.”— Wall St. News. Ir seems strange that Blaine should have gone on the road at this season. All the other circuses are going into winter quarters.— Vew Haven News. “CHANGE here!’ shouted the con- ductor in a Pullman car, and men rushed to the toilet-room with grip- sacks and clean shirts.—Vew Orleans Picayune. Ben BuTLer says: “I am clean out of politics.” Does n’t he mean ‘ cleaned out ?”— Norristown Herald.

are you giv-

he

CONSCIENTIOUS WORTH. ‘*My John says I’m too neat a girl by all odds fo- this house, ’*s right. The idea—a house where they don ’t use Sapolio!”’ THEFT OF REPUTATION. Theft is not confined to stealing money. Indeed, that is the least common form of theft. Men who sell other cheap scourin: soaps when they a e asked for Sapolio (not unfrequently representing them to be the genuine article), steal our reputation, our money, our g name, and not this only—they cheat their customers. Honest merchants, honest purchasers, an honest trade and the honest community should turn away from all such practices, and de- termine not to cheat or be cheated. What is Sapolio? It is a solid, handsome cake of scouring soap, which has no equal for all scouring purposes except the laundry. To use it is to value it. What w'll Sapolio do? Why, it will clean paint, make oil clo hs bright, and give the floors, tables and shelves « new appearance. It will take the grease off the dishes, and off the pots and pans. You can scour the knives and forks with it, and make the tin things shi e brightly. The wash- basin, the bath tub, — the greasy kitchen sink, will be as clean as a new pin if you use Sapolio. One cake will prove all we say. Beaclever housekeeper and try it. ah ofimitations. There is but one Sapolio. 2 Enoch Morgan’s Sons Co., N. Y.

and

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C.C. SHAYNE, Manufacturing Furrier Will retail fashionable Furs and mn. This will afford a splendid op- portunity for ladies to purchase from the Manufacturer at lowest possible prices, Fashion book mailed free. nts (Tee

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163 oe | PEARS’ siti is for sale viata the United States, and in all parts of the world, and its praises are heard and echoed sinetaiebainsee “on THE CELEBRATED } © naman OF ARE AT PRESENT THE MOST POPULAR AND PREFERRED BY LEADING ARTISTS. WAREROOMS: 149, 161, 153, 155 East 14th Street, N. Y. SOHMER & Co. CHICACO. ILL.: NO. 209 WABASH AVENUE. Constable « K A FRENCH DRESS GOODS AT GREATLY REDUCED PRICES. We are offering a large line of. PLAIN AND FANCY WOOL FABRICS, VARYING FROM 50c. to $1.00 PER YARD. N. B.—Aseparate counter has been set apart for the sale of these goods. 19th ot. Proadvoay HE New York. ‘‘ FATHER,” said Rollo: “why should the burning of four large sardine-houses in East- port affect the mackerel fisheries?” Rollo’s | father continued not to answer at some length, and Roilo’s uncle George said it would affect the fishery just as the burning of the large tobacco-factories in Connecticut would affect the value of the cabbage-crop. Then Rollo thought he could see through a grind-stone when the hole was pointed out to him, and then they got to talking about the drouth and the failure of the milk-crop.— Brooklyn Eagle. “‘T FEEL sorry for you,” remarked a citizen of Kansas City to a grocer who had just closed his doors with liabilities at thirty thousand dollars. “ Oh, well, it is n’t so very bad.” ‘But you have*lost everything!” “Yes, but you see I shall begin business | again with altogether brighter prospects.” ““ How? >??? “Why, none of us have any credit in Chi- cago until after the first failure. I am going up | to-morrow to select a twenty thousand-dollar stock.” -— Wali St. News. THE true independent in politics is the man who is willing to accept drinks from all the | candidates.—Puil. Kronikle- Herald. CLosING quotation—“ Shut up!”— New /a- | ven ews. AN autumn idol—the oyster.—Zx. Horsford’s Acid Phosphate One of the Best Tonics. Dr. A. ATKINSON, Prof, Materia Medica and Der- matology, in College of Physicians and Surgeons, Balti- more, Md., says: ‘*It makes a pleasant drink, and is one of our best tonics in the shape of the phosphates in soluble form.” DEAFNES Its causes, and a new and sue- cessful CURE at your own pome, by one who was deaf twenty-eight years, y most of the noted lists without nena Cured himse’y in three ment and since then hundreds of others, Full jars sent on application. 4 8S. PAGE, No. 41 West Sist St., ~~ pares P Now York City. EPPS’S GRATEFUL—COMFORTING, COCOA BARNEY& BERRY. SPRINGFIELD MASS. CATAL f FREE 746 DEN MUSEE. 23rd St., bet. 5th & 6th Ave. Open from 11 to 11. Sundays, Ito 1. Just added The Chicage Anarchists, a great realistic groue. Daily two Grand Concerts by the Prince Lichtenstel.:’s iungarian Gypsy Band. Admission 50 cents. Children, 25 cents. jeeb, the mystifying Chess Automaton. Ej | TANSILES non 5% N NEW a & CHICAGO. 726 Address for Agency, R. W. TANSILL, & CO., Chicago. SCOTT’S OF PURE COD LIVER OIL And Hypophosphites of Lime & Soda Almost as Palatable as Milk. The only preparation of COD LIVER OIL that can be taken readilyeand tolerated for a long time by delicate stomachs. | AND AS A REMEDY FOR CONSUMPTION, | SCROFULOUS AFFECTIONS, ANAEMIA EN ERAL DEBILITY, OOUG TG N AT AF- t is in its results. Prescribed and endorsed by the best Physicians 733 5] and endo’ y in the countries of the world. FOR SALE BY ALL DRruGGISTS.

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164 Lactated, Food The Physician’s Favorite FOR Beats AND INVALIDS. Leading Physicians of ali Schools, and sections voluntarily testify to its superior merit as The Most NOURISHING, the Most PALATABLE, the Most ECONOMICAL, of all Prepared Foods. 150 MEALS for an Infant for $1.00. EASILY PREPARED. At Druggists—2b5c., 50c , $1.00. ga@r-A valuable pamphlet on “The Nutrition of Infants and Invalids,’’ sent free on application. 616 WELLS, RICHARDSON & Co., Burlington, Vt. CONGRESS, BUTTON AND LACE, all Styles of Toe. test Shoe for the money in the world, and equals tho e usually sold for $5 or $6. $2 SHOE FOR BOYS. Same styles as the $3 shoe, Carefully and substantially made, and yives a stylish Boy’s Shoe for $2. If your dealer «oes not keep them, send measurements for either, as below, enclosing price, with ro cts. extra, if you desire them registered. No charge for postage. ET Eee nee Heei . TLaeakecen. aa ee “7 Didithceisserve,, du, +osoedees ee Length 3 ee — Cong., Button or Lace....... Style of TD. nceuwisves Narrow (capped), London (me- dium width, with cap), or French, (wide without cap). (Name style.) Measure foot with stocking on, using a tape measure ora thin strip of paper, being careful to put in fraction of inch, State whether you want them tight or easy, and give size usually worn. By following directions carefully you ‘will get a fit equal toa Cus- TOM SuHor, and at one-half the price. Be careful to give full mailing directions. See that each Shoe is stamped “W. Z, Douglas’ $3 Shoe. Warranted.’ None others are genuine. 757 Address, W. L. DOUGLAS, Brockton, Mass. FASHIONABLE TAILORING combined with ECONOMY IN PRICE. Our Stock of OVERCOATINGS, SUITINGS and TROUSERINGS, TAKE TRE LEAD. DOMESTIC AND IMPORTED. Business Suits to order from de eeu Bsitusee cae $20.00 ‘Trousers weeeoeey cogeeenes coe BaD Overcoats sas 7 6‘Gudatewesiogd 18.00 Dress Suits - ” Nee enee 25.00 Estimates and Samples for gh eres, "“Unifor ms, and every dv- scription of Garments sent on application, with "yule Sor self- measu~ement, We Deulove 145, 147, 149 Bowery, and 771 Broadway, Opposite Stewart's. BOKER’S BITTERS * ‘The Oldest and Best of All STOMACH BITTERS, AND AS FINE A CORDIAL AS EVER MADE, To be had in Quarts and Pints. L. FUNKE, JR., Sole Manufacturer and Proprietor, 78 JOHN STREET, NEW YORK. Send 6c. et (om e for free costly box of goods which will help a to more money than anything else in this world. Fortunes await the workers absolutely sure. 6 Terms mailed free. True & Co., Augusta, Maine. CURE: FOR iO RAE = K’s ra EenerEe CUSHIONED EAR DRUMS Per- form the work of the natural drum, 716 bler. y TIN Riciate PUCK. Bossy.—Ma, you don’t want me to play with wicked boys, do you? Moruer.—No, indeed, Bobby. Bossy. — Well, if one little boy kicks another little boy, is n’t it wicked for him to kick him back ? MoTHER.—Yes, Bobby, very wicked. Bossy.—Then I don’t play with ‘Tommy White any more. He’s too wicked, I kicked him this morning, and he kicked me back.— Harper's Bazar. “Yes,” said Mr. Hendricks to the minister: “JT am proud of that dog. Why, he knows the different days of the week.” Just then the dog began to run to a gun which stood in the corner, then back to his master, and wag his tail. “‘He’s made a mistake this time, pa,” said young Bobby: “he thinks it’s Sunday.”— Harper's Basar. OnE of these mathematical fiends calculates that if the Chinese nation were to pass before an observer in single file, the procession would never cease, for a new generation would be com- | ing on the stage as fast as the procession moved. This fact, it seems to us, ought to discourage | the Chinese nation from getting up such a pro- cession,— Norristown Herald, Hore. Proprietor.—We don’t allow any games of chance here. GamMBLER.—This isn’t a game of chance. My friend here has no chance.— Chicago Ram- ‘Blair's Pills.—Great English Govt and Rheumatic Remedy. Oval box, 34; round, 14 Pills. At all druggists. 723 Angostura Bitters were prepared by Dr. J. G. B. Siegert for his private use. Their reputation is such to-day that they have become generally known as the best appetizing tonic. Beware of counterfeits. Ask your grocer or druggist for the genu- ine article, manufactured by Dr. J. G. B. Siegert & Sons, WRITERS of novel and attractive advertisements are offered $800 cash for best advertising notices. For particulars, address Worda’s Dispensary Medical Asso- citation, 663 Main St., Buffalo, N. Y. 760 DENTAL OFFICE OF Philippine Dieffenbach-Truchsess NO. 162 WEST 23D STREET, Bet. 6th and 7th Aves., N. ¥. Send one, two, three or five dollars for a retail box, by express, of the best Candies in the World, put up m hand- some boxes. All strictly pure, Suitable for presents. Try itonce. Address * Pa CUNTHER, Confectioner, C.F “Madison Bt. chi cago. | ite ») \ HUMORS, 1-7 Skin Blemishes “—— AND ——: BIRTH MARKS teh recall Cuticura OR CLEANSING TIE SKIN and Scalp of Infantile anc Birth Humors, for allaying Itching, Burning and Inflammat on, for curing the first symptoms of Eczema, Psoriasis, Milk Crust, Scall Head, Scrofula, and other inherited skin and blood diseases CuticurA, the great Skin Cure, and CuticurA Soap, an ex quisite Skin Beautifier, externally, and Cuticura Resotvenr, the new Blood Purifier, internally, are infallible. CuticuraA Remepies are absolutely pure and the only infallible Blood Purifiers and Skin Beautifiers free from poisonous ingre- dients, Sold everywhere. Price, Cuticura, soc.; SOAP, 25c ; Resotv- ENT, $1. Prepared by the Porrer en AND CHEMICAL Co., Boston, MAss. Ledl Send for ** How to Cure Skin Diseases.” Back Acug, Uterine Pains, Soreness and Weakness speed ily cured by Curicura ANTI-PAIN PLaster. Warranted 25 cents. A CLEAR HEAD. A clear head; elastic limbs; good digestion; sound sleep; buoyant spirits; a fine appetite; and a ripe old age are some of the results of the use of Dr. Tutt’s Pills. They require no change of diet nor interfere with regular busi- ness. A single dose wil convince you of their wonder- ful effect, NEVER DESPAIR. Bainbridge, Ga, ‘ Dr. Tutt: Dear Friend—You know the cause of my bad health. I had concluded that there was no remedy that would relieve me unt! I used the Tutt’s Pills you sent me ‘They proved to be the very thing I needed. I am under lasting obligations to you.” Tutt’s Liver Pills MAKE A VIGOROUS BODY. Sola Every where, 25e. Wer LANTERNS And STER Th all prices, Vie illust: eve pis Lj for Vie’ EX NS ete —— IBITIONS, A > Steinen a a jt mth @ small Capital.” * Also, Lanterns for e Amusement, page Catalogue free. Hom MCALLISTER, Mfz. "Optilaa, 49 Nassau | St. Ne Y. 100 new and papules songs sent free to all who send 4 cents to pay postage. = ~wex choice music 6 cents. Catalogue P. O. VICKERY, angen, = Maine. First Prize Medal, Vienna, 1873, C. WEIS, Manufacturer of Meerschaum Pipes, Smokers’ Articles, etc., wholesale and retail. 399 Broadway N. Y. Factories, 69 Walker Street, and Vienna, Austria. Sterling : Silver- mounted Pipes and Bowls made up in newest ; designs, Catalogue free. Please mention Puck. 432

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THE IMPROVED I CKD CALCIUM BURNER. Gives a light of 60 candle power, equal to seven common burners, and will tit any ordinary lamp. This burner has been much improved during the past year, and we can now guarantee it to be the best lamp burner in the world, It gives a lar f° r light than any other burner and equal to four studentlamps. As a reading light it has no equal. Once used becomes in- dispensable, Price, Burner and Chimney, $1.25, HEKTOCRAPH M’F’C CO., 82 and 84 Church Street, and 10 East Fourteenth Street, N. Y.; also 11 Dearborn Street, Chicago; 66 Devonshire Street, Boston; 118 South ith Street Philadelphia; 411 Nicollet Avenue, Minneapolis. JUST AS TAKEN FROM THE M INES in the Rocky Mountains, made into beautiful Scarf-pins, suitable for ladies and gentlemen’ The rich and rare, as well as very beautiful gold quartz settings used on these Scarf-pins, are mined and selected from such famo'is mines as the BOBTAIL MINE, Blackhawk, Colo., WARRIOR’S MARK MINE, Gunni- son, Colo, RODERICK DHU MINE, Quartz Hill, Gilpin Co., Colo., and many others ‘The mountings on them are the best GOLD PLATE. They are made solidly and are extremely showy. You can easily earn £2.00 to $5.00 a day by showing them to your friends and tak- inz their orders. In order to introduce them, and our large Cata- logue of Mi eral Cabinets, Christmas Novelties, Agate Goods, Indian Relics, etc., at once, we will send you a sample Scarf-pin, post paid, upon receipt of only 33e.,6 PINS FOR $1.50; 12 PINS FOR $2.00, post-paid. These beautiful Gold Quartz Scarf-pins will sell easily at 50c, each, and are well worth a dollar each. By buying a dozen at once, they cost you less than 19c. each, hence you will see at a glance how easily you can make many dollars in your leisure hours. We positively guarantee s:tis- faction, and cheerfully agree to refund money if not found ex ctly as represented, This offer is only good for a limited time, so order at once, and address your letters, H. H. TAMMEN, Mineralogist, 322 E. 16th St., Denver, Colo. 5 BITTERS. isite flavor, now used on. * pain, ; Daren, Fever ny Ague, and disorders of the Digest ive Oren ns. A few drops imparts de! icious o to a glass ofchampagne, and to At summer drinks. Try it, beware of counterfeits. Ask your grocer or druggist for the article, manufactured by DR: J. G. B. SIEGERT & SONS. 3. W. WUPPERMAN’, SOLE AGENT, (61 BROADWAY, Ny, ¥, lent - world, cures bey in PICKINGS FROM PUCK.—THIRD CROP. Price, Twenty-Five Cents. For Sale Everywhere. SLEEPLESSNESS 8 not only wearying and unpleasant, but is a ve ad EN tom, often preceding SUF NING OF THE BRAIN, TNSAN NITY, NEURASTHENIA, PA- RALYSIS, &c. Sleep is ab- solutely necessary to health. It can easily be had by using Sleeplessness, Nervous Paralys Opium Abit, Feadach Neualeiy grarien Dowsigie, oe Fooa T = and is erative known. tiilastented i ‘Treatise » Opium an Sante, £0. sent F a a Be to | | a@djusied by the one sitting in tt. | lacture Physiciaus’ and Invalids’ Chairs. PUCK. “ HER Majesty,” writes a London correspond- ent, “eats at state dinners without gloves.”’ ‘he reason for that is at once apparent. It enables her Majesty to get a better grip on the wing of a chicken. In wrestling with the common hen of commerce at the dinner-table, she must be handled without gloves, or the battle is lost. Gloves would also be very much in the way when her Majesty desired to clutch an ear of corn by each end, the tip and the lobe, so to speak, while she gnawed at it amidships. You see, there are a hundred emergencies that might arise during the progress of a state dinner wherein gloves would be in the way.—Brook- lyn Eagle. “You say you were in Germany six months» and in all that time you did not see a drunken man ?”? “Not one.” “That is remarkable. In what part of Germany were you all this time ?” “In jail, pard, in jail. Say, stake a fellow for breakfast, can’t you?”-—Brooklyn Eagle. O_pD GENTLEMAN.—And how old are you my little man? LirTLE FReppIE.—I1 am not old at all, sir; I’m nearly new.— Harpers Bazar. “Mamma,” said a little boy: “there ’s some- thing squeaking in my ear. I hear it every little while. There, it sguoke again!’ — Harper's munan, A matter + of choice; —whether' to suffer, uninterruptedly witha cough or to invest 25 cents for Dr. Bu'l’s Cough Syrup and cure it_ - CLAREMONT COLONY Offers great ixnducements. Send for free illustrated erie oun maps, J.l’°, MANCHA, Craremont, Va. HOTOGRAPHIC OUTFITS. FOR AMATEURS, SPECTACLES, senoeuae Watmocn Pee * Glasses, Micro- scopes, Telescopes. WwW. H. LEY & CO eg Successors to . Beck. Philadelphia. fALmsi rice List free to any at dress. Mention Puck. MAGIC LANTERNS! AND STEREOPTICONS FARMERS SEND FOR PRICE LIST OF LANTERN AMUSEMENTS FOR LONG WINTER EVENINGS. C. T. MILLIGAN, 7°° °°" SacSDicnema. THE FAVORITE CHAIRS. A model of luxury and convenience either in ner kness or in health. 50 changes of position. sup eto achild. Unlike other chairs it can We manu- STEVENS CHAIR CO., sth & Duquesne Sts.’ PITTSBURG, PA. PROSPECT BREWERY, Cor, Eleventh and Oxford Streets, PHILADELPHIA, PA. Tne highly Celebrated BUDWEIS LAGER BEER from this Brewery is well as in Bottles. also recommend our HERCULES MALT WINE as the purest, most wholesome, and cheapest Extract of Malt in a returns, Noindelicacy. Neither existence. 7°9 urge, salve or suppository. Liver, kidney and aalitenen bowel troubles—especially constipation—cu r- ed like magic. Sufferers will learn of asimple remedy free, by anaes J. H. manent 78 Nassau St., N. Y. ossfeld & Wierl, IMPORTERS OF PURE HUNGARIAN WINES, articularly adapted to Export in Barrels as ts keeping qualities are unsurpassed. We Instant relief. Final cure and never 752 Tokayer Ausbruch IMPORTED IN BOTTLES A SPECIALTY. | 165 . IPBoREmus oN Toiet Soaps: ** You have demonstrated that a Jer/ect/y pure soap may be made. I, therefore, cordially com- mend to ladies and to the community in general the employment of your pure ‘La Belle’ toilet soap over any adulterated article.’’ Is made from the choicest quality of stock, and contains a LARGE PERCENTAGE of GLYCERINE; therefore it is specially adapted for Toilet, Bath and Infants. 4°9 Facts Worth th Knowing! | Next month we will commence our 49th year of successful business in Canal Street, | and we can safely say that during that long | period our stock was never more complete or prices lower than now. You get more actual value for money in- vested in Diamonds, Watches and Jewelry now than ever before. We desire to call particular attention to our large line of Watches in Gold, Silver and Nickel from $5 to $100. Our $15 Small Size Stem Winders, in 14 carat gold, for Ladies, are the cheapest good Watches ever offered to the public. From $30 to $50 we display the richest de- signs of our artists’ skill. For Men and Loys we have all the grades that are reliable, from $30 in Gold, $8 in Silver, and $5 in Nickel. An unusually attractive display of Scarf Pins with diamond centres, from $5 to $15. For those whose eyes are failing, a pair of our best quality axis-ground Brazilian Pebbles would be a good investment at $2.50. Pachtmann & Moelich WATCHES, DIAMONDS, JEWELRY, SILVERWARE and OPTICAL GOODS, 363 Canal St. Near Wooster St., NEW YORK. : HALF PRICE! The PHRENOLOGICAL JOURNAL is devoted to the study of Human Nature as taught by Phreno'ogy, Physiognomy, Physiology, etc $2 a year; 20 cents a number. “On trial’? three months, half rice, 25 cts. AGENTS WANT- cD. Address, Now Ready. ; row TOsSTUDY THEM A manual of Phrenology FOWLER & WELLS CO,, and | Physlegnemy by f. Keleen Stowe 753 Broadway, N. YY. Drayton, 200p,200illus, 25,000 copies of ‘‘ Heads and Faces” have b en published in less than one year, and it is the most fascinatinz book of the season It opens up a wide sield of most interesting study. Phrenology is the only true index of character, and all who would know how to deal with others, or understand themselves, should consult and study it. In addition to publis} ing all works on this subject our Buda-Pesth & 39 Broad St., N. 7; rooms are open for phrenological examinations daily, and our large cabinet is free to visitors. FOWLER & WELLS CO., PUBLISHERS, 753 Broapway, New York.

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PUCK. I ROBAR MERC oS WAN rg VF YENAIS NN | OMS . BOOMs Fh a J. Ottmann, Lith, puck BulLDING, ®.¥. OBSTRUCTING THE PUBLIC HIGHWAY. NATIONAL PoLICEMAN.—Move on there—your license is no good! ae we a Se eer —— Se eee alien = = = Se Sa ees SS a