Puck 1886-02-10: Vol 18 Iss 466

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VOL. XVIII.-No. 466. FEBRUARY 10, 1886. Price 10 Gents os aT ae —- ae a — » aa NNN em ge ee SOMMER WGATS DREAM. (ak KOO\S NOS Morals oat # PUBLISHED BY KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN. NEW YORK TRADE MARK REGISTERED 1!878 “ENTERED AT THE POST OFFICE AT NEW YORK, AND ADMITTED FOR TRANSMISSION THROUGH THE MAILS AT SECOND CLASS RATES” é “HER RESOLUTE OPPOSITION.” A Poor Old Broom Against the New Flood.

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5¢0 PUCK PUCK. PUBLISHED EVERY WEDNESDAY. ’"ARD ON 'IM. OFFICE: PUCK BUILDING, Southwest Corner of Houston and Mulberry Streets, NEW YOKK CITY. TERMS TO SUBSCRIBERS. (United States and Canada.) One Copy, one year, or 52 numbers, - - - - - - = = = $5.00 Oue Copy, six months, or 26 numbers, - - - - - = = = 25¢ One Copy, for 13 weeks, - - - - + + - + = = = = 1.25 Remit by P. O. Money Order, Postal Note, (payable at Station “ A,’’) Draft, Express Money Order, or Registered Letter. (England and all Countries in the Berne Postal Treaty.) One Copy, one year, or 52 numbers, - - - - - - - - - $6.00 f One Copy, six months, or 26 numbers, - - - - = = = = 3.00 One Copy, three months, or 13 numbers, - - - - - + - 1.50 BG INCLUDING POSTAGE. “@@ Unper THE ARTISTIC CHARGE OF - - JOS. KEPPLER Bustness-MANAGER - - - - - A.SCHWARZMANN Epitror - - - - - - - - - - - H.C. BUNNER IMPORTANT TO SUBSCRIBERS. Tne date printed on the wrapper of each paper dsno es the time when the subscription expires. SPECIAL NOTICE. Attention is called to the fact that every issue of Puck is spe- cially copyrighted, and its contents protected by law. We have no objection to the reprinting of paragraphs and articles, where Jull credit is given; but we cannot permit the reproduction of our pictures, except by special arrangement with us. CARTOONS AND COMMENTS. e here in this uncertain, uneasy, experimental republic ought to look with feelings of awe and reverence upon the British Constitution, which is at present bearing up under the shock of another change of govern- ment. Yes, the last change wasn’t so very long ago, when Mr, Gladstone had to step down and look dignified. Now it is the Marquis of Salis- bury who has the job of looking graceful and contented while he is, as our German friends put it, seated on the air. 2 os * ‘There is hardly a state in South America that could change its government with such agility. ‘I'o-day Mr. Gladstone’s followers are quarreling over the place-holder’s spoils, ‘To- morrow Salisbury’s Tories may be in the saddle again. It is unsafe, in a weekly paper, to at- tempt to make any timely remarks on the polit- ical situation in England. They might be comments on ancient history before the paper got off the press and into its readers’ hands, ‘Therefore we shall have to ask our friends to pardon us if we place in the ice-box of eternal silence a few valuable observations which we had laid out to address to Mr. Gladstone. We are sure they would be of great value to that eminent statesman; but we cannot guarantee their usefulness to his equally eminent rival, who will very probably be in charge of the govern- ment by the time this issue of Puck reaches the news-dealers. But at least we can pay our humble tribute of respect to the British Constitution. Glad- stones and Salisburys may come and go; but the British Constitution goes on forever. ‘The British subject goes to bed under Tory rule, and wakes up to find that the country has been de- livered into the hands of the Liberals. He may be agitated; but he is not wholly cast down. He knows that the British Constitution is still intact. He cannot “point with pride” to it, because the eye of man has never beheld it; he cannot turn to it for strength and enlighten- ment in his perplexities, for no human being knows exactly what it is. But he knows it is there. He knows it has withstood the shock of a toppling government. He knows there is no good reason why it should not withstand any number of such shocks in rapid succession, and remain the pride of posterity, the safeguard of England, the Mrs. Harris of constitutions. ye La aaah ° iM a gl ENGLISH IMPORTATION.—‘* Miss Fanny, if you will consent to be Mrs. ’Arrison, no hing will be wanting to make hour ’appiness complete.” Miss Fanny.-—* You forget one thing.” E. I.—*« Er—what is it?” Miss FANNY.—‘* An //.” And yet—it is a monarchical constitution, if it is anything, and if the British subject ever thinks, it must occur to him that all this turning in and turning out of governments, all this shifting and tacking and shuffling, all this pal- tering with principles, and all this huckstering statesmanship—that all these things are making it more and gore clear to the common people that England can be governed as well without a monarch’ as with one, and that the old lady in Windsor Castle does not greatly add to the power‘ or to the dignity of the state. a * * * It is strange, but it is true that the disagree- ment of the jury in the recent trial of an emi- nent citizen of New York for bribe-taking has done the eminent citizen more harm, in one way, than he could have suffered from a conviction. Had the jury found him guilty, there would have been plenty of people who would have doubted the justice of the verdict. It would have been said, with some show of fairness, that he was the victim of a popular excitement. If there had been a general, symmetrical, well- distributed disagreement, it would have looked well for the accused. But when one man—or more exactly, in this case, one man and a half— stands out against the rest of the jury, and an- nounces that he is moved only by some subtle ethical consideration—such as a feeling of re- pugnance to paying any attention to the testi- mony of a man confessing perjury—why, the simple-minded public must be excused if it can’t regard the result as a triumphant vindication. We do not wish to comment further on this particular case. It is painful enough, ugly enough, disgraceful enough, whatever way it may come out. But it will serve one good end if it points out the way in which justice may be balked by the ignorance, prejudice or venality of one man out of twelve drawn by lot. There have been men in jury-rooms who have had to fight for the right in combats of one with eleven; but it is not often that the eleven lonely men on a decent jury have anything but a hog fora companion, Q.—Observe the high red pile yonder— what is it? A.—The high red building yonder is the new Puck Building. Q.—How did they ever come to put up such a big thing? A.—Because Puck got to be such a big thing himself that he couldn’t find elbow-room in the old place. Q.—Couldn't find elbow-room? A.—Of course not; the place was not big enough for him. He kept a-growing, but the building stood still. It got so that the man who came in to pay a bill couldn’t do it without being run over by a boy running down-stairs with a * form,” and he in turn usually tripped over a man whose mission was to order a fresh edition of the ANNUAL for 1886 [twenty-five cents]. It got to be terrible, after a while. Pressed for room, the office-stove was dis- pensed with, and a fire made in the safe, the cashier carrying the bonds and greenbacks in a knapsack on his shoulders. Electrotypers would borrow the editorial stove to melt old plates on, and a first-class advertising- agent had to be dispensed with on account of being so corpulent that he took up too much room in the office. But now it is different. There is plenty of room to do everything comfortably, and the presses are already run- ning to supply the great demand for Puck's ANNUAL. for 1886. Price twenty-five cents. Mailed to any address on receipt of thirty cents. :

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PUCK. CONCERNING SCHOOLS OF ORATORY. An inquisitive Canadian subscriber writes to inquire which is the best school of oratory in the United States. ‘This depends entirely up- on circumstances, In order to decide upon so important a question as this, we must have some information regarding the young man. Some schools of oratory which are the best for some men might be the very worst for others. It de- pends largely upon what vocation of life he wishes to fit himself for. If he desires to become a member of Congress, and wants to train himself in the noble art of oratory for the purpose of increasing his fame thereby, we should recommend a course of in- struction in the New York Board of Aldermen, and a thorough training by some agile and ex- perienced pugilist. From the Aldermen our friend would learn that choice wit and repartee for which our municipal councilors are so justly renowned, From them he would also acquire a manner of public speaking that would be cer- tain to command attention in the National Capitol. The course in pugilism would give our friend an added grace. By this means he would hold the respect of his constituents, keep them easily at a proper distance, and claim the applause of the lady visitors of Washington. If our friend doubts this statement, we call his at- tention to the career of a certain distinguished Senator from this state, whose powers at arms, no less than his eloquence in debate, made him a prominent character in the councils of the nation for many long years. If, on the other hand, he has no political aspi- rations, but desires to achieve fame as a tragedian, we should recommend to him the training he can only obtain as an umpire of a professional base-ball club. A base-ball umpire of necessity meets with so many expressions of disapproval, that his moral and physical courage are hardened to a degree scarcely imaginable. These qualities our friend would find par- ticularly useful, especially during the earlier days of his career, ‘he exercise his voice would receive in making his decisigns heard to the uttermost ends of the field would also be extremely advantageous upon the stage. Above the din, the angry roar of the audience, the groans of the parquet, and the howls of the gal- lery his voice would be heard. ‘This he would find valuable in enabling him to triumph over his enemies. Who are his enemies? ‘lhe pub- lic—the great-hearted, warm-hearted, apprecia- tive public. It is the deadly enemy of all new tragedians, If, however, our young friend desires to -be- come a concert or opera-singer, we would rec- ommend an altogether different school of ora- tory. In this case he need pay no attention whatever to his voice, as no one with a culti- vated voice becomes a public singer. If he happens to possess such’a thing, he can make more money and achieve greater fame by be- coming an auctioneer, or the interlocutor of a minstrel-troupe, where his rare gift would be appreciated, If his tastes are musical, we should advise him to give up elocution altogether, and proceed to make himself solid with the public. ‘This can best be done by deserting his wife for another woman, if he happens to be married, or in some other way calling the attention of the newspapers to himself. By this means he will find himself in demand in all well-regulated theatres, and when once his reputation is ac- quired, he can earn a handsome living in any one of the many dime-museums throughout the country, If our young friend will favor us with more explicit details regarding himself and his am- bitions, we will be pleased to give him more definite advice. FROM THE morning papers we are pleased } pained to learn that Archbishop Gibbons, of Baltimore, to be ; eat: to be made a Cardinal. He has our congratulations. condolences. “T tell you, Levi, if yer dunt wanter advance anything on the pup, well and good; but I tell you he’s a daisy. He comes o’ such good fightin’- — stock that fleas darsn’t settle on him!” Over hill and valley Ilangs an ashen pall, Not a twig is stirring On the button-ball, Cul the withered leaflets In the cheerless cold, All the sheep are snugly Iluddled in the wold, Solemn, dreary silence Nature holds in thrall, Sleeps the tree lodged turkey In a dreamy ball. In the lonely orchard, ’Reft of robin notes, Round the limbs a vagrant Snow-flake idly floats. * ” ok Darkness flies, and morning Spills no golden freight— Where ’s the garden pathway? Where’s the garden gate? Solemnly the cedar From the snow-drift looms, All its outstretched branches Seem like ostrich-plumes. While, of all unconscious, In the poplar tall Roosts that turkey, looking Like a big snow-ball. R. K, MUNKITTRICK. Purkerings, WHAT SAVED HIM. O sweet Fifine, divinely fair, I gazed upon thee at the ball— The shadows gloomed upon thy hair, And thou wert so superbly tall. I gazed upon thee from afar, And worshiped humbly, lovely maid, As if thou wert some perfect star, Whose light in distant heavens played. I think I could have loved thee then, My heart leaped up so full of life; I felt that he would be of men The happiest who could call thee wife. My heart, fair maid, to thee had strayed, And clung as a bee to some wild rose; But I knew thou wert a lady’s maid, All dressed up in your mistress’s clothes, FINE FEATHERS make fine hats, FoR DOWNRIGHT laziness the Southern darkey takes the hoe-cake, THE LONGES? Pole does not knock the per- simmon in Germany. THE PROPER time for the flour of the family to rise is "leaven o’clock, Every boc has his day; but the street-car drivers have both day and night. NATURE MAKES no mistakes; it never made a cloud with an eighty-cent silver lining. A BROKEN COLUMN is the proper floral caper for a deceased journalistic space-worker, IN A RECENT issue of a well-known medical journal there are fourteen advertisements ex- tolling the virtues of fourteen different mineral- waters, each of which is “ acknowledged to be the best in the world.”’ In any other profession but medicine this would hardly be credited. =

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372 PUCK.

IS IT SUICIDE?

«‘ Them’s Ialgernon’s legs, if hever Halgernon spoke. I see it hall; he growed jealous o’ my thinkin’ so much o’ the butcher-boy!” warmpell. ‘To.day, however, it is only 30° or 40° below. In Florida and ‘l'exas, people are freezing to death: you ought to touch up the contrast.” “What contrast ?”” “‘ Why, people here are perfectly com- fortable. Due to our ozone and to the wonderful dryness and calmness of our atmosphere. Just try it again, and make the Southern land-boomers sick.” ‘he new man had an idea, He flew back through the .corridor so quickly that he froze only one foot in the transit. ‘He hauled his desk closer to the stove, put on an overcoat, threw up the collar, pulled a seal-skin “cap over his ears, looked to see where the hurricane was coming in, and, though shaking like an aspen, constrained himself to write the following: “Ts ‘THis Hor ENouGH For You? “If we have been asked this ques- tion once we have been asked fifty times. It # hot enough. - To visitors from the South and East it must be fairly unen- durable. It is so hot— “ Br-r—r—r!”?, The shivers ran up the

A JOURNALISTIC EXPERIENCE.

Recently a new weather-editor from the East was installed in the office of the Minnesota Bliz- zard, In the Northwest they import weather- editors, because to the natives, though possessed of enterprising imaginations and great fecundity in original conceptions, it is too much of a strain to evolve any meteorological literature at all likely to encourage immigration. “It is a good day to begin,” remarked the new man to the chief: “I ought to get off some- thing strong, if I don’t freeze before I begin.” “ What will you say ?” **T thought of saying that, from all appear- ances, our young friend, Jack Frost, had come West and grown up with the country.” “Not at all.” The chief then took the new man aside and explained to him his position, “To-day, for instance, is not even cold, then ?” “ Scarcely invigorating.” The new man, left to himself, sat down at his ilesk, got his feet into the chair under him, but- toned up his coat, and composed the following: “Who is dwindling, peaking, pining, with the sun so brightly shining? See it warm the balmy -zephyrs at their play! How this brisk and sparkling weather puts our spirits all a-feather, in a proper though intoxicating way!’’ Here he got up, banged his hands, poked the fire, and pinched his nose to see if it was frozen, It was. He started around the room to restore the circulation, When he had gone fifteen times around, with the Winter King in close pursuit, and had become fifteen times colder than be- fore, he felt that he must express his true senti- ments on the great Northwest’s weather or die. He scribbled a note home, saying: “Cold the merc’ry in the meter, cold my hands and cold my feet are, cold beneath the cotton lamb’s-wool of my boots; for ’tis cold enough, O sister, my fine Grecian nose to blister, right into its rudimentary Greek roots, “Br-r! This cold is very frigid, it has froze my system rigid; I am cold enough to drink caloric straight. I will leave this bleak and mean land, fly to Africa or Greenland, where the temperature is higher, so they state.’’ He put this letter in an envelope, which, with rare foresight against freezing his tongue, he left unsealed, and taking his first verse, laid it before the chief. “Have I hid id aboud ride?” he asked. “Tt will do very nicely.” **1 thoughd so,” “It will do very nicely, after the present

new man’s back, until it resembled a piece of convoluted iron, But he went on: “Yes, it is so hot. It isstifling. Nota breath stirs the budding twigs without— 6< Ugh 19? : “Taurus and Senegambia! And to think that, as we go to press, people in Florida are freezing to death, while here, due to the ozone—” He started up and dashed around the room, his frozen feet jingling a merry runic rhyme as they hit the floor, Shortly he stopped. The chief came in later and found him still stopping. His face was snow-white; with one foot still in the air, he resembled a marble Mercury. The chief read the article on the desk. Then he brought in some snow, thawed the new man out, and con- gratulated him. “ When you tone this up,” he said: “and give it a warmer coloring, it will do first-rate—after the present warm spell.” W. Fisu.

‘THE MINT is full of gold, but there is no gold for the man who keeps full of mint-juleps,”’ remarks our private Chinese philosopher.

INTRICACIES OF OUR TARIFF. (SPECIAL TO PUCK.) WasuincTon, D. C., Feb. oth, 1886. The following are among the customs de- cisions made at the ‘l'reasury Department during the past month: Dutch cheeses, if for consumption as a food supply, and not for paving-stones, or to be ground up into sachet-powder, will be subject to a duty of 27 per cent, ad valorem, Wooden heads, intended for barrels, will be dutiable at the rate of 97 per cent, ad volorem; if intended for Congressmen, a drawback of 143 per cent will be allowed. Scrap-leather, in bulk or made up into “ pan- cakes,” but not designed to be sold as porter- house steak or for decorative purposes, will be admitted at 33.3 per cent, ad valorem. Mummies’ eyes, intended for articles of orna- mentation, will be subject to a duty of 111 per cent, ad valorem; if intended for marbles or trousers-buttons, a specific duty of 1.5 cents per dozen will be charged. Rabbit virus, meant to be used as a cure for hydrophobia, will be allowed to enter free; if meant for a beverage, it will come under list Z of the classification, referring to hard cider, koumiss, etc. J-s-PH P-L-Tz-r.

AN EXCHANGE asks: “ What are posthumous writings??? Judging from the posthumous writ- ings of two or three lately deceased authors, they are works written after the death of their authors, and printed over their names.

“How MANY pages would you call a good day’s work for an author ?” asks an inquisitive subscriber. ‘That depends entirely upon the author. One page a year is very bad work for some authors, Ir 1s said by a temperance advocate that if a dog drinks half-a-pint of whiskey it will kill him. This is probably correct. If the whiskey doesn’t, the man who serves the whiskey prob- ably will. THE DICTIQNARY says a sofa is a long stuffed seat. Now, a long stuffed seat is that of the school-boy who is daily thrashed; but we fail to note a similarity between the sofa and the boy,

A NATURAL DESIRE. Vy hy Th, V co a ol Pond

° ti — “Wi jyf A ANS 2 OZ JOHNNIE.—‘* Mama, when I grow older, shall I be bald?” Mrs. Brown.—‘‘I don’t know.” Jounnte.—* IT hope I shall.” Mrs. B.—‘* Why?” JOHNNIE.—* Because then I can sit in the-front row, as the other old men do.”

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FUCK. UNCLE SAM TRIES TO CIVILIZE THE 2M A SYA ele Billiards. —The Indian likes the Music of the Spheres. FACTS IN NATURE. SrupDENT.— Professor, what goes most “against the grain”? Proressor.—The reaper. S.—How can I find some natural gas? P.—Look in the Congressional Record. S.—Why does lightning never injure a con- ductor ? P.—Because he isn’t always wanting to punch its ticket. ; S.—Professor, do you believe man is made of clay? P.—Certainly; but of different qualities, Some men are bricks, others Chinamen. S.—Is the house-spider amphibious ? P.—No. \ Why should you think so? S.— Because he is web-footed. S.—What is a blind? P.—A shade that can be raised or lowered. S.—Is not the word used in a game? P.—Yes. Then you must always raise it; you cannot draw it down S.—When railroads play at pool, is it a “call-game” ? P.—No, a “ burst.” one who “ breaks.” S.—Why this proverb about calling a spade “a spade”? P.—Because it’s paid to do so. S.—Is a horse who works in a mine always kept in the shafts? P.—No; he gets a rest sometimes. treat him on the dead level. S.—Is anything the equivalent of a man? P.—Yes. A crane. S.—The bird ? ; _ P.—No, the apparatus—because it is a hvist ing-machine, S.— What is a trunk-line? P.— Rope put round a box, S.—Can you travel by it? P.—Yes, to another world. S. —How can I be sure of seeing pictures in the fire? P.—Burn an artist’s studio, S.—What is a steamer-chair ? P.—A comfortable seat that the careful man takes on board ship, and the strange woman is forever sitting in. S.—What is a modern criminal jury ? P.—A survival of the Knownothing Party. S. —Is ‘Tarrytown the least progressive place in the States? P. -No! Switchback is even worse. S.—What is Troy weight ? P —When your collars and cuffs don’t come back on time. JuLian Macnvs. It’s all in favor of the They He communes joyfully with Tom and Jerry. SND . Uncle Sam thinks he is ripe for the Boarding- House; but the Indian does not think so. Mrs. WILSON (reading from paper).—“ Agnes de Jones, the actress, has secured an engage- ment at the Globe.” Is she married? MR. WILSON (adhsent-mindedly),—Ah! I—er— guess not. I never heard anything against the woman. INDIAN. He rather likes the idea of Woman’s using Paint. - RANDOM REMARKS. A NEGRO MAN at Fort Gaines, Ga., said to be a good farm-hand, offered to make a contract for next year on the following terms: ‘The farmer was to give him a quart of whiskey every Saturday night, allow him to ride one of his mules on Sunday, and feed and clothe him, and give him five dollars in cash on Christmas. We should think that a man, after drinking a quart of ‘whiskey on Saturday night, would scarcely care to ride a mule on Sunday. ‘THE Poets tell you that snow-flakes are “sil- ver flowers” and “frosty stars,” and all that sort of rot; but the dictionary says they are simply “vapor, frozen in white flakes.” Yet we are told that poetry is truth, “ Our or twenty-four Mayors who have pre- sided over the affairs of Racine, Wis., eleven are dead,.”? What saved the remaining thirteen is not stated, ‘They probably took to the woods, A cirizEN oF Louisville has been arrested for cutting up a piano, Ten years ago he would have been rewarded. Musical taste in Kentucky is making rapid strides, “Wuat 1s a fourth-class post-office ?” asks an exchange. It is the class of office where the old incumbent is retained, so most Democrats seem to think, Day passes day, and week succeeds week, and yet Chicago is not blown up by dynamite, Hope deferred maketh the heart sick. Mr. KEILEy has taken to the lecture platform, This is injury added to insult by Austria, Noth- ing but blood will satisfy us now. A COMIC OPERA COMPANY has started for Alaska. It will doubtless be a cold day for any vocalist who is left up there. THE FROsT seems to have killed everything in Florida but the hotel-keepers. ‘That crop is weather-proof, A WESTERN TAILOR who does a large theat- rical business advertises ‘Walking Suits a Specialty.” Ir is a curious fact that the stronger the “stick”? is in a lemonade, the less able you are to walk.

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3574 PUCK.

PHASES OF SASSIETY. III. Mrs. VAN KNICKER’S BALL, As Described by Master Betsy Dawson. “Yes, everything was in thorough good form, and it was really a very nice affair. A good many of the men in my set came there, and we had things all our own way. Do I dance? Not if I know myself. ‘The women did most of that sort of thing, as they generally do when our set is around. Oh! I didn’t dance. I only went to amuse myself, and I must say that the Van Knickers did the whole thing up in the correct style. The old gentle- man was particularly lideral with his champagne, and I heard that Mrs. Van really put herself to a great deal of trouble to make it pleasant. I didn’t see her myself. I forgot to when I came in, and, to state the truth, when I went away I wasn’t ex- actly presentable, don’tcher know. Whom did I meet? Why, quite a number of us were there together— nearly all our set-—and we enjoyed ourselves hugely. ““We had a little set-to at poker in one of the rooms up-stairs, and I won forty dollars before supper was announced, ‘Then we all rushed down, took a short cut through the back hall and butler’s pantry, and got in- to the dining-room among the first. Funny thing to see how awfully sur- prised some of the women looked when they came in and found us sit- ting down at a little table, with a waiter opening champagne for us, One stout old party in black silk made some remarks that seemed to me quite uncivil. Somebody told me it was Mrs. Van Knicker, and I was ° astonished to learn it; for she has the reputation of being a most polite and good-tempered sort of person. Don’t I know her? Never spoke to her in my life. Why did she invite me to her house? Bless you! I wasn’t in- vited. I just went.”

IV. THe NEw MINISTER IN BEANVILLE,

elt eons aan urloiged the previous?

which he . S af } CVEN ID 4 one

As Described by Lish Deuzenbury. “Wa-al, there hain’t been no such doin’s in- Beanville this five years as they was up ter Deacon Pogram’s last Monday week. He gin a party to sorter interduce the new minister ter the folks araound, ’n’ make him feel ter hum *n’ sociable like. I hain’t much on parties; but Mirandy ’n’ the gals had sot their hearts on goin’; so’s quick as I got my chores done, I hooked up, ’n’ we druv inter taown. As we druv up, I seen the Deacon’s city boarders a- playin’ croquet in the door-yard, along with Hank Perkins ’n’ Jake Simonds. Some of the other boarders, all rigged up fancy like, was a-battin’ rubber-balls over one o’ them new- fangled net games they’d got aout. Waz-al, I hitched up the critters in the shed, while Sally Pogram was takin’ keer of my wimmin-folks. “T can’t say I took enny great shine to the minister, but my wife, Mirandy, ’n’ our two gals, ’n’ the Pogram wimmin-kind, ’n’ old Betsy Perkins just sat araound ’n’ made eyes at him from the time they come till they went away. He was one of them there weak-looking critters, with a face like dough, ’n’ legs like a ye’rling colt’s. 7 wa-an’t in favor of ginning him a call; but, ye see, they was so many on ’em as was sot on hevin’ a single man ter preach; fur we’ve got a powerful sight o” young gals, ’n’ there hain’t but three or four boys ter do the sparkin’

amongst the hull lot on’em. The fact on’t was, the wimmin-folks was the ones es gin him the call. ““Wa-al, es I was tellin’ ye, we got ter the Pograms’, ’n’ faound ’em all a-settin’ raound, lookin’ at the minister as if they’d like ter eat him. Deacon Pogram, he come up ter me ’n’ kinder made a motion to step aoutside, ’n’ we went back ter the wood-shed ’n hed a couple 0’ fingers uv borbum whiskey, ’n’ then I seen him a-chucklin’ to hisself; ’n’ so I axed him what was up. “¢Wa-al, I’m a-thinkin’,’ he ses: ‘they’s goin’ ter be consid’able takin’ on amongst the gals when they learn suthin’ I just faound out. Ye see, the new minister got called here mostly be- cause of his bein’ a single man— “<«But hain’t he ?’ ses I. “¢Wa-al, he hain’t married yet,’ ses the Dea- con: ‘but that there freckled-face that’s been a-stayin’ here all summer, she comes from daown Cheshire way, ’n’ she told Ann Elize Utley, who’s just told one of my gals, that the minister was engaged ter be merried ’long in the Fall, *n’ they’d agreed there wa-an’t nuthin’ ter be said till he got a call ter preach,’ “I went back ’n’ told my wife, Mirandy, what I’d hearn, ’n’ ?twa-an’t ten minutes afore them wimmin was all a-buzzin’ like'a nest of

yaller-jackets. But they kin buzz all they like. They’ve got the new minister a-settled on ’em fur a year, ’n’ they’ll hev to make the best on it. I will allow, though, it was pretty smart not to say nuthin’ abaout his gal when he fust come here. Wa-an’t it, naow ?” J. L. Forp.

PROFESSOR PROCTOR says that in ten thousand years there will be no water on the face of the earth. ‘Ten thousand years seems a long time to wait.

THE PHILADELPHIA Mws, the other day, headed a department “What Philadelphia Edi- tors Think.” It occupied one-eighth of a col- umn,

Some oF the Chicago club-houses have iron rods stretched across the lower part of the win- dows, so that the members can’t fall out.

Wuy DOEsN’T the crow sing? Why, simply because the crow is extremely modest. Give us a hard one next time, please.

FLORICULTURALLY SPEAKING, Pucx’s is a hardy ANNUAL.

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PUCK. THE SOUTH POLE. A NEW FIELD FOR ‘What are the explorers doing just now?” I asked yesterday of an eminent and enthusiastic member of the American Geographical Society. “This is the off-season in the Arctic, as you know. ‘I'he Mishmis are still successful in keep- ing the whites out of their mysterious territory, and all is quiet on the Yang-tse-Kiang.” “Why not tell me that the discovery of America by C, Columbus has been officially verified ?” I asked, piqued at the unusual reti- cence of my learned friend, who was usually loaded with fresh information of yeographical research in the far corners of the earth sufficient to fill a small cyclopzedia, “The fact is, Noah, that a new enterprise is on foot of such magnitude and magnificent pos- sibilities that the lesser work of scientific explor- ation at present in progress is sunk in absolute insignificance.” This was something like, but before I could ask the question that first naturally suggested it- self, he deliberately resumed: * Not a word has yet been published concern- ing it. L may be somewhat hasty and ill-ad- vised, if not positively premature, in speaking of it to you; but the project is so nearly com- pleted, so far as the preliminary arrangements are concerned, and there are so many notable men committed to it, that it can be kept a secret but a short time longer, at best.” ‘“Where—”’ “The first question to settle was the matter of funds,’? he continued, ignoring my interruption: “This, happily, has been disposed of by the gen- erosity of one of our metropolitan millionaires, who, with unparalleled munificence, places half- a-million dollars at our disposal to start with, with the promise of as much more if we need it. Mr. Bennett’s outfitting of Stanley for his search after Livingstone, liberal as it was, was as noth- ing in comparison, But there is even a greater difference in the colossal magnitude of the new enterprise, as compared with the African trip. Indeed, there is nothing in the entire history THE ARCTIC EXPLORER. of geographical research at all approaching this—” * The objective point of which—” “Either as to the romantic interest of the | results aimed at, or the herculean difficulties to be encountered, and which must be overcome before the project can be crowned with success. The expedition will probably be ready to start about July tst, with a most magnificent equip- ment in the way of scientilic apparatus, alinost unlimited provisions, and a smail army of in- trepid, experienced men, ‘There will also be an ampie quantity of material fur building supply- stations, to be located no more than a week’s journey apart; with wire and instruments for telegraphic communication between the extreme advance-guard and the main dépdt — including the chain of intermediate stations; over one hun- dred sledges of a new and improved model —”’ “Ah, then you are bound for the North—” * Which can be used as life-boats, or, in a pinch, can be rendered impervious to the great- est extreme of cold ever known, when required to be utilized as temporary camps. A prime difficulty to be overcome was to secure the right men to place in command, ‘The horrors of the Lena Delta but faintly foreshadowed the dan- gers that may beset the heroic souls committed to the enterprise; but now Greely, Schwatka, Dannenhower, Meiville and others are wildly enthusiastic, totally regardless of the individual peril, in view of the giory that will be the re- ward of the survivors.”” “Pshaw! So this is to be another wild-goose chase in search of the North Pole.” “Who said anything about the North Pole ? Tradition tells us the land of perpetual ice and snow we are about to.explore—or attempt to explore—was once inhabited, and there are cor- roborative authentic charts in our possession ot paper towns—”’ “Then is it the South Pole, this time, that you are after ?”’ “No. Florida.” NoauH Count. PROMPTLY SETTLED. MusicaL DuN.—* If you don’t pay my little bill, I will sit down here and play on the accordeen all night, and I only know ¢ See—Saw.’” [The bill was paid.] | ’ | | NY R\ws i A \ Lee SEB ZB ‘¢ Eugenia, didn't I tell you an hour age to send that young man of yours home ?” *¢ Yes, papa, dear.” ** But he went out just now—T heard him—” “Yes, papa, dear; but he went the first time, and then he found he'd taken your umbrella, }'v mistake, and so he came to bring wt back. conscientious, ”’ i car George is so PUCK’S VIEWS AND REVIEWS. English publishers give Ouida $7,000 for every book she writes. Uncer these cireumstances, she deserves a great deal of credit for not writing twice as many books as she did. She is evidently more merciful than the public has believed her to be. «* Popular Government,” by Sir Henry Sumner Maine, {Henry Holt & Co.,] consists of four essays upon the sub- ject. They are: **The Prophets of Popular Govern- ment,” ‘The Nature of Democracy,” ‘The Age of lrogress,” and ** The Constitution of the United States.” The book is a serious, thoughtful and virile work, in which one of the greatest political problems of the day is handled with much calmness of judgement. The ap- preciative and wise discowse upon our own Constitution will be read with interest by all thinking Americans. Ouida says: waters.” mony. «© All great men are happiest in stormy Then only great men can really enjoy matri- «¢ Adelaide Neilson,” by Laura C. Holloway, [Funk & Wagnalls,] is one of the prettiest books of the year, The binding is original in design and exceedingly neat, and the book contains nine excellent portraits of the actress by Sarony. The biographical sketch is written in a sympathetic and appreciative spirit, and gives a faithful account of the eventful life of a woman who, in her day, was adored hy the public. «¢ The Humbler Poets,” a collection of newspaper and periodical verse from 1870 to 1885, by Slason Thompson, [Jansen, McClurg & Co.,] is a very remarkable conglom- eration. Jt is constructed upon the most astonishing principles. It contains poems by Irwin Russell, Whit- comb Riley. Bishop Coxe, Walter Learned, George W, Bungay, Eugene Field, George Edgar Montgomery, Theodore Tilton, Clement Scott, R. J. Burdette, Coventry Patmore, David L. Proudfit, and by poets even more familiar to the readers of first-class magazines, while those who are identified with newspapers are almost wholly omitted. We never knew, by the way, that Mark Lemon’s *¢ Old Time and I” deserved a place in humbler poetry. We can’t sce why the collection does not include Frank Dempster Sherman, Nathan D, Urner, Caleb Dunn, Danske Dandridge, Julia A. Moore, Lord Ten- nyson and Bloodgood H, Cutter, ** Cleopatra,” by Ilenri Greville, |Ticknor & Co,,] is the story of a young lady who does not know whether she is in love with the Grand Duke of Russia or not, concludes that if she is she ought not be, and then marries an old man about whom she cares nothing. Along comes the right fellow, and she finds herself in the condition of Yum Yum, when she remarks: Ilere’s a pretty how- de-do!” Tlow she extracts herself from the difficulty, and likewise from existence, are graphically told by the eminent French novelist in good type, on nice paper, and between wsthetic covers.

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= 578 ruUCa. DEFINITIONS OF THE Day. Pors oF GoL_p—Jack- Pots. A TAKING TITLE —Pick- pocket. A Deap IMITATION — Catalepsy. WITHIN AN ACE OF IT— The King. SLAVES OF ‘THE WEED— Gardeners. ALways on IceE—The Polar-Bear. CoME ‘tro Stray — Your Poor Relations. Bapty Stumpep — ‘The Legless Veteran. OuT ON THE FLy—The Escaped Convict. POETICAL J UsTICE—Kill- ing the Bad Poets. Otp RounpDers — The Hands of the Clock. A GERMAN CouNT — Eins, Zwei, Drei, etc. A Pair OF Nippers—-A Cyclone and a Blizzard. BEAUTIFUL SNOW BouND — ‘The Editorial Waste- basket. GENERAL Bracc — An Englishman’s Talk of the English. ‘‘This morning exercise is immense — puts life into a fellow!” ANOTHER FRIENDSHIP BROKEN. ily, Al 4 iil fay } in!” *«¢ Come «¢ Johnson must be up py this time; I hear him moving around. he’ll give me a cordial welcome, I know.” Tips ON Topmost Topics. AFTER ALL - Jay Gould. THE poor — and Fitz John Porter — we always have with us. TELLING THE truth is easier than lying, and you are not so apt to get caught at it. W!TH LAGER-BEER at 3 cents a glass, Sam Jones is meeting with poor success in Cincinnati. A RECENT SMALL ad- dition to the Conscience Fund is supposed to have come from Jake Sharp. Wuat KIND of language have we, anyhow, when the only rhyme for silver is a little boy of the name of Dilver? Dear old boy, ‘THE NUMBER of J/ in Miss Maud Miller-Mac- kaye-McCormick’s name is partly due to her par- ents and partly due to her- self. Ae? A STREET-CAR, WITH the men sitting down and the women standing up, and the straw on the floor, somehow reminds one of the pig-sty. CiaRA Mornis recently played throughout an en- tire evening without faint- ing, and her friends fear that she is losing interest in ‘ her profession. TROCHES. A YOUNG MAN with a poor memory has re- cently been seen dodging behind screen doors and other convenient objects at social gather- ings, and putting down memoranda in a pass- book. A man, having noticed him looking at his wife and then writing in the pass-book, de- manded an explanation. He was thoroughly satisfied, and laughed heartily, when the young man said that he was simply putting down what the various women in the room had on, in order that he might read it to his wife, who was at home sick, and not be obliged to remember, and run the risk of being blown up for forgetting. A SOUTHERN MAGAZINE publishes the names of “ The Seven Greatest Orators in the World.” We are somewhat surprised to find that the name of the man who entertains the young woman in the box at the opera during the best part of the performance is omitted from the list. ‘There must be some mistake about this. Ir 1s always best to take the safe side, except when a safe is being hoisted to a fourth-story window. In such cases, do not take the safe side; take the other side. No charge for this. A POETESS FINISHED up an effusion with, “ Oh, give me affection; I'll sigh for naught more,” | and then climbed six flights of stairs, and tried to sell it to an editor for five dollars. ‘THE COUNTRY BOY who shovels snow for money to keep him in skates and minstrel tick- ets, thinks Providence has gone back on him when he notices that the wind has drifted all the snow off the rich man’s hundred-yard side- walk into the middle of the road. WAAT AGITATES a growing dog beyond en- durance is to be fed until he is so fat that he cannot attempt to jump between the pickets without getting canght tight, and being obliged | to remain in that uncomfortable position until his dinner digests and enables him to ooze out to freedom. Auswers for the Aurions. Joun T.—You cannot sing the praises of the canary- | In this office canary’s notes are al- | bird in this paper. ways protested. BRECKENRIDGE.—When your exuberant mirth bubbles over in melody, you come near to making the noble art of poesy everlastingly unpopular. SYLVESTER.— We don’t care for humor in your style. Any man who will speak of a cat-fish as emitting a sea- mew will live long and work much harm in this world. CaRRIE.—You cannot sell us poetry with such rhymes as **jocose’’ and ‘ glucose,” or ** wash-bill” and « gas- bill,” or ¢* corridor ” and * Florida.” Nor could we thinls of printing such a stanza as this: Pretty soon, when winter ’s dusted, And no more the pipes are busted, Then the pretty snow-white dove ’Il Perch upon the old snow-shovel. KISMET. The weather that makes good’ skating freezes the poor man. The fate that takes the rich man’s wife from him gives the poor employee a chance to go to a matinée on the day of the funeral. The man with no money in his pocket has an appetite like an ostrich, while the millionaire has dyspepsia and cannot eat anything. The man who can’t swim falls out of a boat and is drowned; but the man who can swim all day without tiring is crushed on a railroad. Champagne that undermines your health is bought up at three dollars a dozen, while the medicine that perpetuates your health is offered at fifty cents a bottle, and no takers. The old fifty-cent hammock-hat will stick to your head as though it grew there in the hard- est storm; but a brand-new high hat will blow off when there is scarcely any wind, or else it will fall off the hat-stand, and be crushed or | sat upon. The old man who didn’t make a fortune when he was young, but knows just how he could if he were young again, is obliged to do chores for his board, while the young, vigorous man doesn’t want a fortune, so long as he can sit on a barrel and whittie sticks all day. All of which proves that this is a queer old vorld, around which Puck’ can put a girdle of | his ANNUALS and PickiInGs whenever he feels | like it.

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ruck. 39 A HARD BLOW AT LOVELY WOMAN. I am a modest man—at least, I think Iam. I have suffered a good deal in this cold and dusty world, and have tried to bear my trials in silence, remembering the late lamented poet’s injunction, “Suffer and be strong.”? But now I am going to rise up and bleat my little bleat about lovely woman. In private life lovely woman and I have always got along very well together. I put this in right here in the golden portals of my remarks as a saving clause. Iam not masquerading behind the shield of single blessedness. I am a married man, but I am going to speak right out and say all I have to say, and then I shall go home and bravely meet my just reward. I have heard remarks—let us call them, mildly, remarks — lately, to the effect that men were of a more or less porcine nature and wanted the earth. It has been asserted that men took up all the seats in the cars, and wouldn’t get up to give a woman a rest. That’s what lovely woman needs most—a rest, a long, silent, peaceful rest. Now I’ve got myself tuned up, and you are going to hear the murmur of my bulbul* in a garden of roses. When lovely woman gets into a street-car in which the seats near the door are occupied, what does she do? Does she look up to the other end of the car to see whether there are any seats up there? Not a bit of it. As soon as she enters the car, she just turns around, backs up against the door-frame, and shows her thoughts plainly in her face. What are her thoughts? Why, that some one of the men near her ought to get up and give her a seat. And what do the men think? ‘They think the woman ought to do as they do—walk up to the other end of the car and take one of the vacant seats, But the woman don’t do that. Not much. She simply stands still and looks miserable, and makes the men feel wretched, until some weak brother gives in, gets up and gives her his seat, and toddles up to the other end of the car, a debased and humiliated being without an atom of self-respect left in his ghastly soul. Sometimes some celestial idiot pokes the woman gently in the ribs with his gloved hand and says, in a milk-and-honey voice: “‘ Madam, there are seats at the other end of the car.”” ; Then the woman does not speak a word. She just looks at the man with an expression which says plainly: “Why don’t you get up and go and take one ?” And he goes, every time, just like a lamb led to the slaughter. And yet woman wants more rights. Holy smoke! And did you ever watch what happened when a car stopped to let one woman off as another one tried to get on? One woman starts down the steps as the other starts up. They come together half way, * The bulbul was a stringed instrument in the time of Solo- mon. If you don’t believe that, invent your own lie. Does not cover. Her dear lips I could not taste Till some stilts I bought, And I never yet have placed My fond arm around her waist. It’s too short, though she is laced Very, very taut, And I only catch the crook, When I try, of some sharp hook. On the sofa I can’t get, When she’s sitting there; There ’s no inch of room to let That my adiposal pet By her on a chair, Till I curse my meagre shape, And regret I’m not an ape. and there they stand glaring at one another, neither willing to give way first. Suppose a man was about to get on a car, and he saw some one ——man or woman—just about to get off, what would he do? Why, he’d stand one side and follow the golden rule which says, “ Let the passengers off first, please.” Did you ever see a woman do that? You know you didn’t, so tell the truth about it. Did .you ever see a woman get her money out of her pocket-book and have it ready in her hand when she went to buy a ticket at an ele- vated railway-station? No, sir, not on this earth, ‘The woman walks calmly up to the station window and THE LONG AND SHORT OF IT. % Dorothy has golden hair, (Natural, too, at that,) Like a lily she is fair, And a rose could not compare To the bloom that lingers there, But, alas, she ’s fat! I don’t mean, by that, in purse, But in weight, which is much worse. She is tall as a dragoon, While I ’m rather short; So it 's difficult to spoon, When we wander ’neath the moon. I have found out but too soon That it ’s little sport; For I always miss her face, When I try a fond embrace. III, v Flying in her wake, Vi. IV. There ’s a line which I recall In a poet’s song, So I fret When we ’re walking out at night, Then her arm IJ take, And she skips along so light, With me swinging out of sight, That I feel like some strange kite And my blood begins to seethe Till I cannot see or breathe. Where he says: *’T were better all Loved and lost and found their fall, Than have never loved a tall.” But I think he ’s wrong; If he ’d been through it, like me, I am sure we would agree. Ernest DELANCEY PIERSON. deposits her umbrella on one side and her bundle on the other—she always has a bundle. What is woman without a bundle? ‘Then she takes out her pocket- book and hauls from it a five-dollar bill. “ Oh, wait a moment!” she exclaims: “I can do better than that.” Then she puts the fiver back and gets out a ten- ner. She calmly passes it to the agent, who looks mildly surprised. “What did I give you ?” she asks, “A ten-dollar bill.” “Oh, my, how stupid!’ she says: “ Here is a two-dollar bill.’’ By this time there are eight or ten men waiting, with dimes and quarters in their hands, to buy tickets. A train has just passed, but the woman heeds it not. She calmly counts the change, piece by piece, off the window-sill into her hand. Then she puts it in her pocket-book, calmly draws on her glove, buttons her jacket, picks up her bundle and umbrella, refreshes her soul by a good comfortable glare at the waiting males, and walks slowly on board the train which has just come, and which two-thirds of the crowd of men miss. And did you ever, in the course of your life, know any woman on this great earth to close the door of a car behind her? You may have seen the ghost of Washington, you may have seen a successful flying-machine, or an hon- est politician, or a man who did not know how to edit a newspaper, but that woman you never saw. And did you ever, O brother mine! oh, did you EVER see a woman who would make room for you to pass by her in the theatre when you had to reach your seat on the other side of her? You never did. I knew it. Shake. And now, brethren, although there is a great deal more I might say, I think P’ve about piped my pipe for the present, It is not often that the spirit moves me to speak thus. I hate to let myself loose, for when I get to roaming around and chewing up things, I have a hard time gathering myself inagain, I’m go- ing home now, Dudce et decorum est pro fratribus mort, So long, boys. W. J. HENDERSON. A Kincston, New York, woman. has spent sev- eral years practising with a pistol, until she can now snuff a candle at twenty yards. ‘This strikes us as be- ing a very foolish accomplishment. ‘They are just as likely as not to introduce gas into Kingston, and then she will find that she has wasted some of the best years of her life for naught. IN A PROMISED new opera to be produced in Milan there will be two hundred and fifty danseuses and two thousand three hundred costumes. ‘This is reversing the usual order of things.

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PUCK. TRUTH FREELY DISTRIBUTED. Miss BoTTLEs.—‘* Why, Mary, do you mean to say you want to go out again to-night? You were out two nights ago. I can’t understand how it is you want to go out so often.” Mary.—* Sure, Miss, you would if you were younger.” ~eeenn eee eS ~~ FOR HIS SAKE. DEDICATED TO SOME MODERN NOVELIST. CHAPTER First. It was not Andromeda’s fault. She was a mere kitten when she fell in love with Perseus, and dangerously unacquainted with the ways of back-fence society. Her life had been passed in the soothing but enervating atmosphere of a deacon’s home, and she could not be expected to know anything of the wickedness and perfidy of cat in the abstract. Poor little purring, con- fiding Andromeda! Any inexperienced kitten of the gentler sex would have at once fallen in love with Perseus, the bold, dashing and gallant hero of a thousand moonlight adventures, and cat of the walk on every fence within five blocks around. Stories of Perseus’s conquests reached the ears of innocent little Andromeda long before she ever met him, and she at once made him the hero of all her happy kittenish day-dreams, When she was finally introduced to Perseus, her imagination had already prepared the way for Cupid, and as she raised her eyes bashfully to his, she knew deep down in her poor little heart that she already loved him. Perseus did not at first appear to recognize the impression he had made upon Andromeda. The doux yeux which she could not restrain re- ceived no answering glance from his eyes, al- though he was, as always, scrupulously: gallant. His intimate masculine friends, including some young “rounders” of somewhat dubious antecedents, winked confidentially at one an- other, and whispered beneath their whiskers that it was all up with little Andromeda; _ but the ob- ject of their remarks failed to recognize the danger she was in. She rapidly acquired that blinding confidence with which Cupid always endows those he finally destroys, and when Per- seus made a few slight advances toward a mild flirtation in his dile¢fante way, Andromeda’s heart gave a great throb of delight. The next mo- ment she was reproaching herself for having been so unmaidenly, and the next she caught herself openly encouraging her enchanter in his compliments. A conflict of tender and self- reproachful emotions soon raged in the poor little breast of Andromeda. Her past education in the deacon’s family vainly attempted to hold her growing passion in check, and when Perseus invited her to accompany him to a moonlight serenade, to take place on the following night, she bashfully accepted the invitation. She felt in her susceptible little feline soul that she was perhaps taking the first step toward her fate in accepting the invitation of Perseus; but the very knowledge that she was risking perhaps life itself for his sake gave her the strength to crush down any disagreeable qualms of conscience, CHAPTER SECOND. If Perseus had belonged to a less cynical school of cats, he would probably have warned Andromeda; but he had been brought up in an atmosphere of indifference. He detested preaching of all kinds, and valued life simply for the pleasure he could extract from it. Look- ing always for novelty, he found Andromeda amusing simply because she was new. His cat friends would have pronounced her “ fresh,” but Perseus never descended to slang, It amused Perseus to introduce Andromeda to his many friends at the serenade; but later in the evening, when he was busily engaged in dodging flying boot-jacks, hair-brushes and paper-weights, the old d/asé feeling came over him, and he retired in disgust from the scene, apparently oblivious of Androumeda’s very ex- istence, Andromeda’s heart was broken, and there is every reason to believe she would have died of love, if a flying tribute from an adjacent window had not caught her behind the ear and ended her miserable existence there and then. C. V. ‘Teixeira, SUFFICIENTLY REWARDED. “Do you remember Gimlet, whose Humlet was the pride of the stage a few years ago?” “ Perfectly.” “Well, he recently took a theatrical company out West, and all came to grief at Tin Cup but himself. The citizens heaped honors upon him. He was richly rewarded.” “How so? Did they make up a popular sub- scription for him ?” 6“ No.’? *¢ Did they offer him the management of the local theatre ?” “¢No.” “Did they present him with a set of resolu- tions ?” “No.” “‘What did they do?”’ “The vigilance committee warned him in advance, and he managed to escape.” “Well, I don’t think that was a very great reward.” “Tid you ever see his Hamlet?” “Me,” “T thought not. If you had, you wouldn’t say so.” SPREADING THE BROOKLYN “ EAGLE.” There is no law in Oregon forbidding manual labor on Sunday. What Oregon most needs is not a law forbidding people to labor on the Sabbath day, but rather one compelling some of them to do at least three hours’ work during the rest of the week. “Northern Planter’? wants to know if it is true that all the oranges in Florida were frozen this winter. Well, no; not allof them. But we know of one orange-grove, owned by one hun- dred stock-holders, whereon not a single orange was touched by the frost, while, at the same time, ninety-seven of the stock holders were frozen out, chilled to the marrow. Queer climate down in the orange-belt. “The Trials of a Public Officer” is the title of a forthcoming magazine article. Yes, some of them have their trials, it is true, but the most of them manage to get into Canada or Mexico before they are caught. “ Hello, Simpson, old boy; how are you feel- ing this morning? I see you were fined twenty dollars yesterday for being drunk on the street and fighting an Italian crossing-sweeper.”’ “Me? I never was drunk in my life, and | have been out of town for two weeks; just got back this morning.” “Well, here it is in the paper, anyhow, plain as day: Marcus H. Simpson, grain-dealer, of. 814 Barclay Street.” “Lemme see the paper. Well, truth is dead in this world, The newspapers are lying more than ever! ‘The miserable liar of a reporter who wrote that! I told the judge my name was Thomas Jones, and that I lived in Hannibal, New Jersey. ‘here’s no liar like a newspaper!” —Robert ]. Burdctte, in Brooklyn Engle, REMOVAL. Messrs. KEppLER & SCHWARZMANN, proprietors and publishers of Puck, have moved into the new PUCK BUILDING, S. W. Corner of Houston and Mulberry Streets. This is a spacious edifice, erected by them conjuintly with MR, JACOB OTrMANN, who will also move into the new building, as successor to MAYER MERKEL & OTT- MANN, he having been for several years sole proprietor of the business conducted under that name. CONSUMPTION CURED. An old physician, retired fiom practice, having had placed in his hands by an East India missionary the formula of a simple vegetable remedy for the speedy and permanent cure of Con- sumption, Bronchitis, Catarrh, Asthma and-all throat and Lung Affecticns, also a po itive and radical cure for Nervous Debility and all Nervous Complaints, after having tested its wonderful curative powers in thousands of cases, has felt it his duty to make it known to his suffering f llows. Actuated by this motive and a desire to relieve human suffering, I will send free ot charge, to all who desire it, this reci e, in German, French or English, with full directions for preparing and using. Sent by mail by address- mg with stamp, naming this paper, W. A. Novus, 1go J cwer's Block. Rochester, N. Y. on TOO EASY. Katy.—‘‘ Cleanliness prevents disease! Johnnie, what is the best medicine for dirt?”’ Jounnir (7xdignantly).—‘‘ Humph! Sapolio. Give me a hard one.”’ THEFT OF REPUTATION. Theft is not confined to stealing money. Indeed, that is the least com- mon form of theft. Men who sell other cheap scourmy soaps when they a easked for Sapotio (not unfrequently representing them to be the genuine article), steal our reputation, our money, our good name, and not this only —they cheat their cust mers Honest merchants, honest purchasers, an honest trade and the honest community should turn away from all such practices, and determine not to cheat or be cheated. What is Sapolio? It is a solid, handsome cake of scouring soap, which has no equal for all scouring purposes except the laundry. To use it is to valne it. What w'll Sapolio do? Why, it will clean paint, make oil clo hs bright, and give the floors, tables and shelves « new appearance. It will take the grease off the dishes, and off the pots and pans. You can scour the knives and forks with it, and make the tin things shine brightly. The wash-basin, the bath tub, even the greasy kitchen sink, will be as clean as a new pin if yon use Sapolio. One cake will prove all we say. Bea clever honsekeeper and try it. Beware of jnitations, There is but one Sapolio. 467 Enoch Morgan’s Sons Co., N. Y.

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Two negros met each other after a few days’ | separation. “Wall, whut yer know ?”’ “ Nothin’ in purticular, is dead.” “ Who’s he ?”? “Oh, he’s de man whut’s got nearly all de money in de country.” “Yer doan tell me! Whut hurt him ?” “ He neber foun’ out. He jes’ dropped ober.” “ Jes’ like er po’ man, I reckon ?” “ Jes’ erbout. Does yer know whut’s er fact ? I'd ruther be gwine long heah wid er saw un’er my arm an’ er good appetite den ter be buried in er gol’ coffin wil a diamon’ set in it ez big ez er bull’s-eye watch.” “Yer’s right, podner. Arter all, de Lawd is de only pusson—ef I ken speak o’ him ez sich —dat doan honey roun’ de rich, He says, ‘Mr. Rich Man, come heah ter me,’ an’ he come, lemme tell yer.” “ Dogged ef he doan, ebery time.” “ Yer’s talkin’, Er rich man, when he doan feel like puttin’ his han’ down inter his pocket an’ grabbin’ up his money, ken stan’ off er po’ man, but he kain’ stan’ off de Lawd. De Lawd neber sen’s er bill-c’leckter roun’ but oncet, lemme tell yer.” “ Dat he doan, an’ it doan meck no diffunce whurder de man is ready, or not, de debt haster be paid. It stan’s us whight’ly in han’ ter be ready fur dat c’leckter. We mus’ be hones’ and | pra’rful.”’ “Dat we mus’, By der way, yer doesn’t git work ernuff ter keep yer up, does yer ?” “No, not ha’f ernuff.” “How does yer manage, den, dese hard times ?”” “Oh, fust rate. My wife cooks for er gen- nerman whut runs er bank. I tell yer whut, da bin nothin’ like er good wife dat can tote er heavy load.”—Arkansaw Trauiler. THE cream of all funny publications is PucK’s ANNUAL. Puck, in his this year’s volume, exceeds all previous at- tempts to give the public a superb meal. ‘The ANNUAL is a condensation of fun, a*cyclopzedia of humor, a circus and menagerie of trained zc dlogical roorbacks, a phan- tasmagorical aggregation of poeticalettique excerpts, a kangarooical museum of epigrimatic nonsense, an eli- perkinsymposium of euphonistic but melodious prevari- Oh, yas, Vanderbilt

cations—in fact, it is a whole dictionary of amusement and entertainment, all of which the possessor of twenty- five cents can obtain and enjoy.— Whitehall Times. ‘THEY say that Kentuckians cannot under- stand the preference of the Ohio farmer for short horns.—Piltsburgh Chronicle. PENNSYLVANIA allows a man to marry his mother-in-law, but he doesn’t.—Zoussville Cour- ter-Journal, THE child’s doll is the earliest “saw-dust swindle.’ — Boston Courier,

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THE CELEBRATED 2 Ltn OF ARE AT PRESENT THE MOST POPULAR AND PREFERRED BY LEADING ARTISTS. WAREROOMS: 149, 151, 153, 155 East 14th Street, N. Y. SOHMER & CoO. CHICACO, ILL.: NO. 209 WABASH AVENUE. THE FEBRUARY PART OF THE Young Ladies’ Journal, NOW READY, contains a great variety of attractions, including the continuation of a new story, entitled “A QUEEN OF SOCIETY,” the opening chapters ef which appeared in the January Part, with which the NEW VOLUME began. A splendid Colored ‘IT iple Fashion Plate of 24 Figures. The ENLARGED GIGANTIC FASHION SUPPLE MENT, nearly four feet square, containing SIXTY FASHION ENGRAVINGS of all the latest Pa is Fashions. FOR SALE BY.ALL NEWSDEALERS., PRICE REDUCED TO THIRTY CENTS. THE INTERNATIONAL NEWS CO.,, General Agents, 29 and 31 Beekman Street, New York. Subscripti ns received for all Foreign Periodicals, but beware of canvassers pretencing to be our agents. 480

o Siniiiee to any other published.’”’—PAila. Ev. Cad2. HONETIC SHORTHAND 21.59. Srecia! tn- struction by Mail $6 W.W. OSGOODBY Pub» Rochester, N-y.FOR SELF-INSTRUCTION. * Circul: ars, Testimonials, Specimen Pz ages, &e. 33 GERMAN LIEDERKRANZ, 33rd.Annual Masquerade Ball, METROPOLITAN OPERA HOUSE, THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 181H_ 1886. Tickets $10, admitting gentlem: an and one lady ladies’ — #3.) Can be had by iatroduc ee of: VM. ViGetius - - - - 175 Pearl Street Huco Scuumann, Germ. Fire, 179 Broadway. Emit UNGer - - - - = = 50 Purk Place. Epwarp Unt - - N, Y. Staats-Zeitung. Joun von GLAHN) - Room 260, Stewart Bldg, Louis KAMMERER - - = 134 Greene Street, RicHArp H. ApamMs - - - 495 Broadway. Cuas. Ktunper - - - - - go7 Broadway. H. C. F. Kocn, Cor. 20th Street and 6th Ave. WitHetm & GragF - - - 1141 Broadway. Boxes and ‘lickets of WiLL1AM Steinway, 111 East 14th Street; Const. ScHMIDT, 33 Broad Street, and ‘LigpERKRANZ HAL Ly 111—119 East séth Street. 43 EDEN MUSEE. 55 West 23rd Street. Open from 11 to 11. Sundays from 1 to 11.—Wonderful Tableanx and Groups in Wax—Chamber of Horrors —Trip round the World in 600 Stereoscopic Views—Concerts in the Winter Garden every afternoon and evening. A-.imission to all, £0 cents, Chil.

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Mailed to any address on receipt of Thirty Cents,

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; i | ee 382 THE ROMANCE OF A WATCH. One day his father said to John: *¢ Come here and see what I hev bought— A Waterbury watch, my son— It is the boon you long hev sought!” The boy could scarce believe his eyes— The watch was shiny, smooth an’ slick— He snatched the nickel-plated prize, An’ wound away to hear it tick. He wound an’ wound, an’ wound an’ wound, An’ kep* a-windin’ fit to kill— The weeks an’ months an’ years rolled round, But John he kep’ a-windin’ still! As autumns came an’ winters went, An’ summer follered arter spring, John did n’t mind—he was intent On windin’ up that darned ole thing. He ’s got to be a poor ole man— He ’s bald an’ deaf an’ blind an’ lame, But, like he did when he began, He keeps on windin’ jess the same! — Chicago News. In the present style of shirt-collar, a young man of fashion may be safely trusted in the gilded halls of pleasure. An entire corps de ballet could not turn his head.—Zif, The Horsford Almanac and Cook Book mailed free on application to the Rumford Chemical Works, Providence, R. I. BOKER’ S BITTERS The Oldest and Best of all STOMACH BITTERS, AND AS FINE A CORDIAL AS EVER MADE, To be had in Quarts and Pints. L, FUNKE, JR., Sole Manufacturer and Proprietor. 78 John Street, New York. PERLE D’OR CPLA DLEAGITE Dry and Extra Dry. i78 Duane St., N. Y. Philadelphia, '76- Paris, ’78. America’s Favorite Beer, BREWED BY Cbe (nbeusec- Rusch B, OL. OF ST. LOUIS, MO. The Original Budweiser. Amsterdam, ’83. Hossteld & Wier, IMPORTERS OF PURE HUNGARIAN WINES, Buda-Pesth & 39 Broad St., N. Y, New Orleans, ’85. : i Tokayer Ausbruch IMPORTED IN BOTTLES A SPECIALTY. ~ ASPEGIALTY sox INFANTS - ‘‘ AIn’T it time you paid me that five dollars?” asked a farmer of his neighbor. “?Tain’t due,” was the reply. “ But you promised to pay me when you got back from New York.” “Well, I hain’t been there,” he replied.— Shoe and Leather Reporter. Pucxk’s ANNUAL for 1886, with its brilliantly illumin- ated cover and one hundred pages of original humor and illustrations by Puck’s editors, contributors and artists, is now for sale at all news-stands. The contributions are briefer than in former issues, and a great many more of them—ali of which will be hugely enjoyed by the lovers of pure fun. The ANNUAL makes an appropriate Christ- mas present all the year round, Price twenty five cents. —WNorristown Herald. “Ir is said that hydrophobia was unknown two hundred years ago.”? This is, no doubt, true. ‘Two hundred years ago dogs were not made mad by putting muzzles on them, and otherwise persecuting them, It would make a man mad to enclose a portion of his head in a wire cage—unless he was the catcher in a base- ball nine.— Norristown Herald, PUCK’S ANNUAL FOR Price Twenty-five Cents. 1886. Mailed to any address on receipt of Thirty Cents. Salesmen can make 300 per cent selling our NEW ADJUSTABLE GAS BURNER. Address Proviwence GAs Burner Co., Providence, R. 1! - whole world, cures Dyspe BITTERS. An excellent sappateing tonic of exquisite flavor, now used over the ete, — Fever and Ague, and all disorders of the’ Digestived rgans. A fow d rops impart a delicious fla- vor to a glass of champagne, and to all summer drinks. Try it, and beware of counterfeits. Ask your - er or druggist = the genuine article, manufactured by DR. J. G. SIEGERT & SO J. W. WUPPERMANN, SOLE AGENT, 61 BROADWAY. N. ¥. Every Saloon, Hotel and Restaurant Needs a Standard Beer Pump. keeps the life in it, to the last glass. It preserves beer and ale, and It saves its cost in a very short time. Price low, and machine reliable. Ask iy eee er for it, or write 448 STANDARD PUMP M'F'G 143 Eim Street, New York.

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PUCK. Uuted Sales Mutal. Accent Association. 320 AND 322 BROADWAY, N. Y. The LARGEST, CHEAPEST and BEST in the WORLD} ACCIDENT INSURANCE AT HALF RATES. HALF MILLION LOSSES PAID. $5,000 Accident Insurance with $25 Weekly Idemnity costs about $13 a year. $10,000 with $50 Weekly Idem- nity at proportionate rates. Membership Fee $5 in each Division. CHARLES B. PEET, President. JAMES R. PITCHER, Secretary. 484 CLUETT'S | ONS ourrs MONARCH SHIRTS SOLD BY LEADING DEALERS SERKYS’ TEA. GUARANTEED THE GENUINE SERKYs. DIRECT FROM THE ORIENT. It is composed of aromatic herbs and flowers, and cele- brated! for its wonderful health-ziving virtues. It is the best tonic sedative and beautifier of the complexion in the world, It removes all pimples and skin eruptions, and is acknowledged a specific against Dyspepsia and Bilious Disorders, Kidney Malarial and Nervous Complaints; also in suppressed troubles peculiar to women. Gives instant relief. Invaluable for producing refreshing sleep. Aok your druggist for it. Price 50e. and $1 per box. SERKYs’ TEA COMPANY, No. 54 West 23d Street, 485 And at VANTINF’S, 877 Broadway, New York. 200 PUCK’S ANNUAL FOR 17886. Price Twenty-five Cents. Mailed to any address on receipt of Thirty Cents. | HALFORD | SAUCE. THE GREAT RELISH. BOUND VOLUMES OF PUCK. Rack Numbers of Puck, from Vol. VII. upward, if in good condition, will be exchanged for corresponding bound Volumes in Cloth for - - - - - - $14.25. Half Morocco for - + 2.00. Cloth Covers for binding Puck, 75c.; by mail, $1. To Canada per Express, $1.25. Address, OFFICE OF PUCK, New York. Philippine Dieffenbach-Truchsess NO. 162 WEST 23D STREET, Bet. 6th and 7th Aves., N. Y. Send one, two, three or five dollars | for a retail box, by express, of the best | Candies in the World, put up im hand- | some boxes. All strictly pure, Suitable for presents, Try itonce. Address . F. CUNTHER, Confectioner, ae 78 Madison St.. Chicago. ” Final cure in 10 days, and PI I ES Instant relief. ‘4s Ye never returns. No purge, no salve, n»sup- pository, Sufferers will learn of a simple remedy Free, by ad- cressing C.J. MASON, 78 Nassau = tr. et, New York. 440 A DIALOGUE IN TWO CHAPTERS. Chapter I.—Fanuary rst, 1886. Constituent.—Well, I understand that the Legislature is going to pitch right into business, as soon as it gets into running order, and that its motto is to be ‘‘ No delays—no extravagance.”’ Legislator. —C’rect, my friend. Economy and a short session. Ishouldn’t wonder if we managed to get through all the business in sixty days. Every member ot the House and Senate will put his shoulder to the wheel, I assure you, and you will see that the Legislature of 1886 will give a good account of itself. Chapter [1.—Fanuary zoth, 1886. Constituent.—Well, what are the prospects for a short session ? Legislator.— Ha! hum! A short session? Well, you see, it is not very easy to tell, until we get fairly into running order, and get an idea of just how much business there is before us. There’s a good deal of special legislation, you see, and—well, the fact is, we’ll have a fair idea of how we are going to get along, say, about the first of May. C.—Why, I thought you were going to get through in sixty days! L. (gr ve/y).—You can never tell, sir; you can never tell. No, sir, you can’t always tell. C.—How about economy ? L. (shaking his head).—'Vhat’s another thing that you can never be sure about. ‘To tell the truth, I can’t see how this Legislature can be any more economical than the last. It costs money, you know, to run this state. C.—Then all your talk about economy and a short session, when I met you last, was nothing more than buncombe? L.—Ha! ha! ha! Pretty good, pretty good, indeed. You will have your joke, I see. Well, well, never mind. So long, so long. —Boston Courier. Pror, PROcTOR, in a recent English magazine articie, says: ‘It seems as though astronomy had been almost dead in America during the last few years.”” The Professor is poorly posted. ‘There have been two or three patent-medicine comets discovered in this country every year since 1880. Can England show as good a record ? —WNorristown Herald. cnold ) stable KS Co, HOUSEKEEPING GOODS. ‘Are prepared to exhibit their Spring Jmportation of House- hold Linens of every description, Suitable for Table and Bed use. Also “Richardson’s” 4-4 “Queen Charlotte” Linens, An- tique Grass Bleach and free from Whemicals, together with a fine stock of Foreign and Do- mestic White Goods, &c. Droadovary AS | 9th ét. New York. 48: Numbers g, 10, 26, 140, 163 and 418 of the English Puck will be bought at this office at, 10 cents per copy. In mailing please roll lengthwise. “ lowe my Restoration to Health y, and Beauty NX to the SLY CUTICURA * REMEDIES” ISFIGURING Humors, Humiliating Eruptions, Itching Tor- tures, Eczema, Psoriasis, Scrofula and Infantile Humors cured by the CuricurA ReMmepIes, Cuticura REsotvent, the rew blood purifier, cleanses the blood and perspiration of impurities and poisonous elements, and removes the cause. CuricurA, the great Skin Cure, instantly atlays Itching and In- flammation, clears the Skin and Scaip, heals Ulcers and restores the Hair. ; Curicura Soap, an exquisite Skin Beautifier, is indispensable in treating Skin Diseases, Baby Humors, Skin blemishes, Chapped and Oily Skin, Sold everywhere. Price, Curicura, soc.; Soap, 25c.; Resorv- ENT, $1. repared by the Porrer DxeuG anv Cuemicat Co.,, boston, MAss. a@ Send for “ How to Cure Skia Deseases.”” & Sharp, Sudden, Scia‘ic, Neuralgic, Rheumatic and Nervous Pains instantly relieved by CuTicurA ANnTI-Pain PLAsTER, 25 cents. SCOTT’S EMULSION OF PURE COD LIVER OIL And Hypophosphites of Lime & Soda Almost as Palatableas Milk. The only preparation of COD LIVER OIL that can be taken readily and tolerated for a long time by delicate stomachs, AND AS A REMEDY FOR CONSUMPTION SCROFULOLS TIPECTIOS, ANAEMIA, GEN- ERAL DEBILITY, COUGHS AND THROAT AF- FECT! and a G DISOR CHILD it is marvellous in its results. *scri and endorsed by the best Physicians in the countries of the world. FOR SALE BY ALL DRUGGISTS. Hale's Honey HOREHOUND AND TAR For Persons oj All Ages. A wonderful Cure for Coughs, Colds, Bronchitis and Consumption. f, IT BANISHES COUGHS (acute or chronic) and BREAKS UP COLDS like magic; IT CURES, in fact ee where other remedies have failed; its great efficacy HAS BEEN PROVED and its superiority extensively ACKNOWLEDGED. 4a~ Children derive great benefit from its sooth- ing properties when suffering with Croup and Whooping Cough. gg Every family should keep it in readiness. Price, 25c., 50c , and $1.00 per bottle—largest, cheap- est. Sold by all Druggists. 468 Pike’s Toothache Drops Cure in One Minute. German Corn Remover Cures Corns and Bunions 312 Send 6c. for postage for free costly box of goods which will help all to more money than anything else in this world Fortunes await the workers absolutely sure. 6 Terms mailed fiee. True & Co., Augusia, Maine.

Page 16

Ne SU wes RN heat X > » oa, \ ies ..¢ WS >" , Ab GP ixt <= Nae Perm eR NOR oan J.Ottragan,Lith.(nmao) ruck auuoine. sv —EVERY OPERA-HOUSE NEEDS ONE. PLATE-GLASS CONVERSATION BOXES They would Enable Noisy Theatre-Parties to Enjoy Themselves Without Disturbing the Audience.