Puck 1877-04: Vol 1 Iss 5
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THAT TERRIBLE PUN. 7M not given to fun, but I once made a j f pun, > That set a whole room in a roar. Though I own it was funny, you can bet all your money, That I never shall pun any more. For the ladies haw-hawed, the men they guf- fawed, Till the tears ran down on their cheeks, They laughed till they dropped, when some of them stopped, And could only cgntinue in shrieks. Some grew idiotic, and others spasmodic, All acted confoundedly queer; Some rolled on the floor, some butted the door, Or kicked at the bronze chandelier. ‘They shrieked and they groaned, while I trem- ¥ bled and moaned, For I thought they were going insane; I begged and I cried, and frantic’ly tried To calm them, but found it was vain. Then I rushed from the room, out into the gloom Of the street, straight home, to my dad; I left them still yelling, in that ill-fated dwelling, Like a parcel of Junatics mad. No doubt you'll invoke me to tell you the joke, ‘That you may enjoy it as well, I would, but I swear, I’m darned if I dare, For fear you'd be likely to tell ! THE PARAGRAPHERS’ ASSOCIATION. MOURNFUL MEETING OF THE OFFICERS. = aware that a number of the humorous —“eS> paragraphers of the country have formed an association, but they may not be cognizant of the fact that a meeting of the officers of the said association was held in New York a few nights ago. We herewith present a condensed report of their melancholy doings on that occasion. ‘The table groaned beneath a pitcher of ice- | water and four pairs of legs. President Catlin, who sheds a column of gloom daily over the editorial page of the Commercial Advertiser, occupied a seat at the head of the table. After the weather, the early spring, and a few other live topics, had been disposed of, President Cat- lin observed that he felt in an unusually cheer- ful mood, as he succeeded last night, it the ex- pense of several hours’ sleep, in evolving five entirely original puns on the name of President Diaz. No punishment is so painful, he said, as to be suspected of making a pun when no pun- ish-meant. Catlin is not a Dutchman. Secretary Bayard, who, since the demise of the Brooklyn Argus, is basking in the fitful light of the aggressive Sunz—and the mellow honey- moon—said that his stay must necessarily be brief; for if he wasn’t home at nine o’clock, he would be compelled to climb in the second story back-window, in order to avoid disturbing the peaceful slumbers of his wife. He had been married only six weeks, but he had already dis- | covered that the principal rays of the saccharine orb was to vaise money for beef and bread and beer, and other household necessities. Vice President Danbury Bailey said that a much less distressed feeling prevailed in the Southern States since he had canceled his lec- ture engagements there. He had a hat-full of heart-breaking spring house-cleaning episodes, but, out of respect for the families of those pres- ieee readers of Puck are doubtless | | JpSVe) PUCK. ent, he would not read them until he was alone; but he desired to press it upon the minds of his hearers that these directions for making hens _lay, which you see in the agricultural papers, | were the veriest bosh. The best plan to make a hen lay was, to get in the nest with her, and be sociable, and whisper in her ear that you | once owned a hen that laid half-a-peck of eggs per day—and very short days, at that; and then, if that hen doesn’t hump herself, and lay a pile of eggs two feet high and three feet thick every twenty-four hours, she hasn’t a spark of ambition in her nature, and might just as well be sold for a spring chicken, if she was over four years old. Bailey dispenses with neckties, on the ground of economy. He finds a gold button a very good substitute for a tie, and quiet as successful | as a preventive of sore throat, croup, and bronchitis. ‘Treasurer Williams, who imparts a wave of melancholy over the pages of the Norristown Flerald, suggested that all new members be re- the old members. If some plan was not adopted to augment the receipts of the treasury, the association would be unable to follow the fashion introduced by savings banks, life insurance as- ceiver. Secretary Bayard asked if he hadn’t enough of the association’s funds in his hands to pay his fare to Europe. He replied that he hadn’t enough to take him ‘‘half-seas-over.”’ | Some of the members were rather snail-like in forwarding their dues, which was doubtless ow- beer. The Herald P. I. man, of the Executive Committee, said the only important piece of | “* Personal Intelligence” he had to impart was, | that the best way to make ice-cream in hot weather was to place four quarts of Orange county milk on the stove and let it boil four | hours—one hour for each quart; while it is bubbling, throw in four lumps of ice as large as a rock; stir well until the ice is dissolved; then grate in four medium-sized fresh onions, and set out in the snow to cool; serve with onion sauce, and eat moderately, until the taste becomes ac- customed to the flavor. Here the Vice President actually smiled, and was promptly fined two dollars. Croffut, of the Executive Committee, whose Graphic humor is much sought after by men who wish to accumulate a proper amount of funerealness preparatory to attending the burial of their mother-in-law, affirmed that he had squandered two hundred and fifty thousand dollars during the past two weeks, to prevent it falling into the hands of legal sharps after his death. At the same rate of squanderfulness, he | thought he would run through with the remain- der of his fortune by about April 1st, 1880. He considered the manner in which our govern- ment had treated Dr. Mary Walker a disgrace to generations yet unborn, and he had written | Amewica ought to be in a lunatic asylum a poem on her wrongs, which he would read: ‘Dr. Mary worked so hard for her rights That her suspenders busted; And after getting into sixteen fights, She right up and dusted. Now when——” Hearing muffled groans and sobs, he laid down his manuscript, and finding the members in tears, charitably forbore reading the rest of the poetical effusion. He feelingly declared that of all the lachrymose gatherings he ever attended, this was the lachrymost. ‘The weep- ing gentlemen said his poem reminded them so forcibly of some of Tupper’s lines, that they couldn’t restrain their tears. A letter was read from Second Vice President — _present. He had lost his free railroad-pass, and was daily importuned by his washerwoman to pay a little matter of three dollars and seventy- seven cents due her; and no newspaper man was rolling in enough affluence to purchase a railroad ticket and pay a wash-bill at less than two months’ notice. A man was now in De- troit fixing up a telephone, and if the boys would wait four or five weeks, he would te- lephony story to them through the sound- machine. At this point Secretary Bayard consulted his watch, and upon learning that it only wanted two minutes to nine, he jumped up and shot | out of tue room, as if he had been propelled by a Bogardus Kicker. . Then a policeman rushed in and threatened to arrest the whole party for conspiracy to overthrow the best gov- ernment the world ever saw. He said no half- dozen fellows could meet and look so gloomy, and keep so quiet without plotting some terrible mischief; and he was about to club their heads ; | into a jelly for not making a noise, and looking quired to pay four times as much annual dues as | so sad, when he saw by their seedy coats and turned paper collars that they were newspaper humorists. ‘The policeman asked to be excused, and went out and clubbed. a blind mam to re- fod | gain his wonted cheerfulness. sociations, railroad companies, and other re- | spectable organizations—/. ¢. to appoint a Re- | The officers of the Paragraphers’ Association turned out the gas, and solemnly meandered | across the street to a free-lunch counter, to | drown their sorrows in a flowing bowl of hash. | FITZNOODLE IN NEW YORK. ing to the grasshopper ravages in the West last | fall, and the continued elevation in the price of | IV. HE DISCOURSES ON WOMEN. Ya-as, if a fellaw is inclined to be spoony in this countwy, he has a gweat many oppor- Yj, tnities. By Jove, I weally think he has more chances to ‘“‘be vewy much gone”’ two or thwee times a week than in Gweat Bwitain. The weason is, that the women have a gweat deal of fweedom, and can talk to a fellaw with- out being fwightened of their pawents, One day a fellaw in the club said that a Miss Anna Mawia Bwown, a pwetty blonde, I had met out sevewal times, was “‘ going” for me. What an idiotic wemark! How could she go for a fellaw, I should like to know, and where would she go to if she did? Vewy odd, though, that same afternoon I weceived a jolly little note, asking me to go for her to take her to a wecep- tion, and she would send her cawwidge for me; so she didn’t go for me, but | went for her, and | that’s what that stupid a-ass at the club faust | have meant. Stwange pwoceedings—I begin to have a stwong impwession that evewybody im Jack Carnegie says he knows sevewal girls who have asked fellaws to mawwy them. Now, hang it, I don’t think that this can be twue, because no Amewican girl ever asked me to mawwy her; and, of course, if this were the custom of the countwy, some beautiful young cweature would pwobably have made some matwimonial overtures to me, for it would be a doosid fine thing for an Amewican girl to be the Honowable Mrs, Fitznoodle. I don’t think I should entertain the pwoposal. I’m afwaid the family wouldn’t suit at home. When I was at Wugby and Cambwidge, the fellaw¢ used to say that I hadn’t the gwaces of composition, | SO I will west now and wite more about Amew- ican women next week, as it is wather an in- M. Quad Lewis, regretting his inability to be | tewesting subject.
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