Life 1928-08-23: Vol 92 Iss 2390

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Amusement! | ( / ff, JOWMMMLES | News & Wp yord Augusl 23 1928 A Color for Every Mood “Take a letter to Dugan & Minsk, Miss Connelly, and use the red typewriter. I’m mad at them.”

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Ov \\May we send you)~” There is hardly a question about how to make a bathroom more beautiful and more convenient that is not answered in New Ideas for Bathrooms. It is all that its name suggests. In beautiful color- printing, it presents page after page of fresh and agreeable arrangements of the newer fixtures .. . novel ideas. . . color schemes . . . blue prints of floor plans . . wall elevations . . . plumbing hints that may save space and money . .. inspiring suggestions, every one of 2 new helpful books? You need these two books if you are building or planning tobuild. Together they contain more than 100 pages of sug- gestion and illustration; baths designed by well-known archi- tects, color schemes by able in- terior decorators, actual photo- graphs of the newest fixtures and accessories. A wealth of information in handy form. If the books will help you, we will gladly send ion The coupon is for your convenieice. CRANE EVERYTHING FOR ANY PLUMBING INSTALLATION ANYWHERE Crane Co., General Offices, 836 South Michigan Avenue, Chicago Branches and sales offices in one hundred and sixty-six cities which is as practical as a door-knob. The companion volume is Homes of Comfort. In the newly revised edition, it is a handy illustrated catalogue of Crane fixtures, valves, and fittings, for kitchen, laundry, and bath. Merely fill out and mail the coupon below. Both books will be sent to you promptly, without obligation. ARARALARAAARARARARAAARAAAAAAARAAARAAAAARAAAAAL CRANE CO., 836 S. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IIl. Please send me without obligation the two books: New Ideas for Bathrooms and Homes of Comfort, which you offered in Life of August 23. Name a iccentsccnstenccnen ee See AP ARAB AAR AR AR AP AAR RAAB AD AR AR AB AR ABAD ABAD ABP

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[ RHYMED REVIEWS ———— The Virgin Queene By Harford Powel, Jr. Little, Brown & Co. THAT peerless adman, Barnham Dunn, Was sick of trumpet, drum and ban- ner; In quest of peace and quiet fun He bought a fine old English manor. Its ancient walls had once been known To Queen Elizabeth and Shakespeare When deer were chased and hawks were flown And knights in armor couched and brake spear. On Shakespeare’s Chair at haunted Keene, With mystic aid from Will and Lizzie, He wrote a play, “The Virgin Queene,” That left him breathless, awed and dizzy. Yet after Dunn had typed this play He would not have it staged or printed. “You think you won't,” said Major Gray; “T'll force your hand!” he more than hinted. On parchments old with crafty pen The play was copied, then ‘twas planted; Some experts dug it up again, And how the scholars raved and ranted! “A masterwork in Shakespeare’s hand!” The critics cried with one volition. Though Barnham tried, to beat the band, He couldn’t stop the imposition. The Barrymores have played the thing, The lowbrows cheer, the highbrows quote it; Its sales have made the welkin ring, And Dunn can’t tell the world, “I wrote it!” Which serves the fellow right; for still He scribbles rot and lives in clover While Queen Elizabeth and Will Are chuckling, “Well, we put that over!” Arthur Guiterman. PERMANENT First Moper: What's the matter with Jean? Rheumatism? Seconn Mopet: No, she’s been posing for the fellow who designs figures for tadiator caps. An aged blackface minstrel claims to be the originator of the “That was no lady; that was my wife” joke. We didn’t know they had blackface minstrels until about a century ago. No car should hand you the indignities of blanket Uae tossing! No car will when you control the springs with Houdaille Hydraulic Double- Acting Shock Absorbers. The engineers of Lincoln, Ford, Pierce-Arrow, Jordan, Nash Advanced ‘Six, Stearns-Knight, Cunningham, made Houdailles standard equipment. Their decision was based on performance. Double- Acting, Houdailles control spring action . in both directions, up and down. Their steel arm makes them absorb those original axle smashing bumps as well as check recoil. 5 “s taetin Houdailles are made in three sizes for light, medium and ‘heavy cars, and are adjustable to your individual car. Take this as your personal invitation to drive around to Houdaille Headquarters and try a set on your own car for thirty days, You’ surprised! * HOUDAILLE } SHOCK ABSORBERS + - HOUDE ENGINEERING CORP., Dept. L-8 This Coupo n 537 B. Deiavan Ave., Buffalo, New York * will bring you Piease mail me the Article, “What I Didn’t Know about Shock Absorbers,” and amighty readablestory, tell me where I can get a set for my ................... ponnesnensnessoessnvenesasscenses “What I Didn’t Know Name about Shock Absorb- “6 ers,” written by a world- a ee ee ee ee ae ee Se ocse famous author. ST LIFE: Published Weekly by Lif Publishing , 598 Madison A’ New Y N. Y. Subscription, $5.00. Vol. N . 23, 1928. Ent'd as 2nd New York Post Office, under act of March 8, 1879. fo UB A, Bai'd oo 3nd Clans Mattos ot the Pent theo Dont. Grande Gormtight 1928, Life Pub. Co,

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—#m, fe 2 LiFe Beware of — ACK ofa par- Month by month it grows till it tition where crushes. The loan shark’s favorite passers-by can- lash on the unhappy victim is not see him, the “Pay—pay more—or I will ex- loan shark spins pose you. Pay or I will make you his web—and lose your job.” Sadly enough, waits. In his sometimes his threat is carried show-windows he displays gener- out and the job is lost. ous-sounding maeeells. He says, “We will trust you when nobody Imagine a frightened employee sae

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else will—if you have a job.” He paying $2.00 a week “interest” sends smoothly-worded circulars on a $10.00 loan for three years and letters marked “Personal,” —156 weeks—and still “owing” l telling how he has been able to the original $10.00 although f © 1020 wi. assist “your friends”, and how had paid $312.00. The man who Ne he will ladly do as much for paid this lived in the capital of obligation on your part. Address ove you—and no outsider will be the a great State. Booklet Department, Metro | 4 wiser. politan Life Insurance Company, | * : Number One Madison Avenue, Sometimes he boldly tells his story ‘ = re -_ - . = - New York City and ask for Book | {i oo pares ne prong seapaggnent <i oe = let No. 98 F. oney for salaried men. No —. se mortgages—no indorsement—no paid each month $21.85 interest Haley Fiske, President. | x; —more than one-third of his

collateral—no questions asked. " ; We let you hae money at the wages— without reducing the , : hg principal debt. time you apply for it.” He pledges Many millions of dollars are loaned annu ha strict secrecy and low rates of in- cot borrowers as much more in interes, terest. He desc ribes himself as Fortunate is the man who has together with untold mental distress. a “the wage-earner’s only friend in honest employment which pays | Prosecution, shoueh helo(al, te wage ta: - time of need”—spider-webs to him a better wage than he needs | sharkevil. ‘People sill need PS | h th for actual necessities. Out of his | promise for the future in 7% i catc the unwary. return for present relief. olc surplus, week by week, he can Legitimate temedial and i ° usiness institutions are Perhaps you have never known make himself safe. The man past | therefore necessary, Mos ke ° es rm. e charter a desperate need for an immediate Middle age who has never saved | ine of imited-dividend, loan. But the loan shark knows 2 Cent can hope perhaps for but | dial ioan societies. pe that the world is full of unfor- little more than continuing health The Uniform Small Loan ” tunate men and women who wil] 2nd steady employment, but | sx Foundation is in use ab 2 - in twenty-three tes an promise to pay almost any price ypould t oe and Mes = - = owe Sone, Soe 0 eae D in the future for a little cash in snou Pp an comp ete nancia ine ing conditions in those - eae paoeen dependence for themselves in their “ Ti later years of life. pA FT cit Driven by extravagance or un- sratsal oun ad thet Li expected misfortune, the needy If you must borrow, make sure | pion collece che savings one, when caught, pays a truly the lender is licensed and upr | Lotesect i ph terrible price. vised by the State. imamgoe 4S , Th Department of Reme- -<'s pli The loan shark knows that many A booklet prepared by the Metro- | tance in organising credit sh of his victims will be unable to politan will be of assistance in | Stociadons or in advising bo pay on the appointed date. He, showing howtosave,andthereby | [ttts, Russell Sage Founda. a . . ’ tion, 130 East 22nd Street, * hf vo therefore, extends the time but avoid the loan shark’s web. It New York, N. ¥. ine - increases the amount of the loan. will be sent free and without wi ° m Published by fo METROPOLITAN LIFE INSURANCE COMPANY~NEW YORK Biggést in the World, More Assets, More Policyholders, More Insurance in force; More new Insurance each yeat

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ISU ress tro ny, ue, D0k- ent, 7 SBE _—- PLAIN TRUTHS FROM OUR CANDIDATE “I Am the Only Candidate That Has Looked a Mule in the Face (or Otherwise)” by WILL ROGERS Now that the Notification Ceremonies is over, with no refusals, we can just sit down and figure out “What was it all about anyhow?” The object of these Notification Cere- monies was to tell Hoover and Smith what the Deligates did at Kansas City and Houston. And what did the Deligates do at Kansas City and Houston? In the first place what did they go to either place for? They didn’t go there to nominate a Presidential Candidate, That had been done months ahead. They didn’t go clear there to nominate a Vice-Presidential Candidate, That’s not enough interest to get that many badges together. They went just simply to carry on the old “Bunk” and “Applesauce,” They had been doing it for years and they had to keep on doing it. Any half-wit knew that Hoover would be the nominee, That is if they could ever get Coolidge to speak English long enough to say what he was talking about. Now who in the Lord’s name could the Democrats have named but Smith? Each Nomination was a foregone conclusion, There was no more real life or pep to either convention than to a Rotarary Luncheon. They made a couple of things called platforms, supposed to be strong enough for millions o people to stand on. There is no more difference in the two platforms than there is in two Musical shows, How could there be? They are both catering to the same voters. Both of them want the Wet and Dry vote both, So both of them used the same reversible Dry-Wet Plank. They both want the Farmer’s vote, So what can they do but promise him in pay- ment for it that they will do something for him? The only thing about the bar- gain is that the Farmer has got to help them first. Why don’t one of them say, if they are really on the level, “Mr. Farmer, we want your vote, but we don’t want it till we can show you that we have done something for you.” In other words, Don’t ask for pay for something till you deliver the goods. Help the farmer first, then he will know which side helped him, But quit trying to kid him into paying in advance for something he don't know if he will ever get or not. Now Al has got on a pair of bib overalls and a straw sticking in his mouth instead of a cigar, and he is out for the farmer vote. Now what does Tammany Hall know about a farmer? What does Tammany Hall care about a farmer? How is Smith going to get the farmer’s vote all over the country when he never received a single vote of a Farmer in his own state in all the years he has been running? What made him so suddenly under- stand the Farmer’s problem? New York has had Farmers (or things that pass as PZ. FO Log Cabin in which Ovr Candidate was born. farmers) for generations, Yet the only relief they ever had at the hands of their State Government has been high taxes on land that don’t raise enough to be really classified as a farm. So what is Al Smith going to do for the whole pack of Farmers that he hasn't even been able to do for the ones in his own State? Same way with Hoover. A Farmer never interested Hoover any more than I would interest a Harvard Proffessor, until it was suddenly dis- covered that he had been nominated and that the Farmer voted. Now Herbert is telling what he will do for the Farmer. Hoover can draw up some Blue Prints and have the Farmer’s land surveyed and have him incorporated and sell stock in his farm like the big Corporations do that are able to hire Engineers, Hoover will put efficiency charts in the hen-houses so each hen can read her Egg Quota for the day, He’ll set up time clocks for the cows to punch. But will the cows and chickens co- operate with this scheme? Well, I’ve met up with a few cows and chickens myself

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4 =r» and I never saw one yet that understood the Ethics of Big Business. So how is either one of them going to do anything for the Farmer? Al can ben the farmer a couple of Subway tickets, and Hoover slip him a Blue Print, and that’s cll either one can really deliver to the farmer. I am the only Candidate that is running on either side that has ever looked a Mule in the face (or otherwise) down a corn row. I didn’t learn the farmers’ problem after I was nominated, I paid taxes on a farm since I was eighteen years old, and almost had to be an Engineer and a Tammany Hall Politician both, to get enough to pay the taxes. I know what the farmer needs, But I can’t give it to him, But I am going to tell him before elec- tion that I can’t give it to him—and not afterwards. A vote for me means you will be dis- appointed earlier than you will if you vote for either of the other two recent farmers. I can tell you in a few words what the Farmer needs, HE NEEDS A PUNCH IN THE JAW IF HE BELIEVES THAT EITHER ONE OF THE PARTIES CARES A DAM ABOUT HIM AFTER ELECTION! That’s all the Farmer needs, and that’s all he'll get. Anu-Bunk Bulletin Two weeks have elapsed since Our Candidate challenged Herbert Hoover, “to joint debate—in any joint you name.” A week has passed since a similar challenge was issued to Al Smith. Up to the moment of going to press, no answer has been received from either party. What’s the matter with these fellows? Don’t they open their mail, or are they —_ ——— just plain yellow? It is true that My Smith has just knocked a chip off th shoulder of Dr. John Roach Straton, and is planning to § into a debate with th Man Who Saved Manhattan on the latter’s own home grounds, but that is merely dodging the issue. Dr. John Roach Straton is nothin more than a set-up for Al Smith, and, contest between these two would be no more than a repetition of the Tunney. Heeney fight, otherwise known as the Battle of the Bridegrooms. Will Rogers is the only legitimate cop. tender for the Championship. Al Smith knows that and so does Herbert Hoover, and neither one of them is any too anxious to stand toe-to-toe with Our Candidate and swap punches. If you want to join the hordes of dis satisfied voters who are following the leader of the Anti-Bunk Party, send in your name to Rogers Campaign Head. quarters, 598 Madison Avenue, New York City. we eR 3 as" ae aed Tue Gatitery GuarD: Imagine them boobs looking at all this dumb art when there’s nude picture in the next room. Ca Ab a hot

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Lire “If that guy David gave two hundred pounds to Goliath—th’ fight was in th’ bag!” She Hadn’t Any Illusions Sue: Don’t you think this going without stockings is a foul idea? He: Well, I think it all depends on what sort of legs a girl has. Sue: I s’pose it does, doesn’t it? But I mean I think awfully few girls can get away with it because their legs look kind of blue and repellent sort of, do you know what I mean? He: Yes, exactly. It is rather unat- tractive when they’re that way, but I think a lot of girls get away with it all right because they have pretty legs. Sue: Do you really! But don’t you hon- estly think that on the whole it’s a ter- tibly repulsive idea? I mean of course it’s pertectly all right for girls to do it who can get away with it and all, I mean, but I think awfully few girls really can, don’t you? He: Yes, I guess that’s true. Sue: Well, that’s why I simply refuse to go without stockings because I mean I haven’t any illusions about my legs and I think it’s your own fault if you don’t reco’nize your limitations and go ahead trying to take up every new fad like that when you can’t get away with it, do you know what I mean? He: What makes you think you couldn’t get away with going without stockings? Sue: What on earth makes you think I could, my dear? He: Well, you’ve certainly got beauti- ful legs! Sue: Don’t be ridic—I haven’t at ail, my dear! I mean my legs look like noth- ing human! He: They don’t at all. I think you’ve got the best-looking legs of any girl I’ve seen. Sue: But I actually wouldn’t dare ap- pear without ae my dear, because I think you simply have to be the type that can get away with sort of radical ideas like that, my dear—I mean I ac- tually do! He: Well, you certainly are the type if I ever saw it. Sue: Oh, go on—I’m not at all, my dear—but it’s awfully sweet of you to say so! Lloyd Mayer. SLOWING DOWN Trarric Cop: Say you! What in the hell do you think you are, driving at the rate of sixty miles an hour? Moronist: It’s like this, Officer. I was hurrying to get a couple of tickets to the Police Beach Party before they were sold out. Trarric Cop: I’ve just got two tickets left, sir. Here you are, sir. That’s right, two dollars, sir. Lovely weather we’re having, sir. “Te’s all right, dear. I'll sit up here with my cigarette lighter till you get the light fixed.” A LADY IN CONFERENCE Suddenly Bethinks Herself of the “Ultimate Consumer” THE LAKE is very blue today, But I must turn my thoughts away From views outside that window—I Must concentrate on reasons why This soap appeals to folks like you, Because that’s what I’m paid to do. Tracy. Arter listening to sundry bari- tones in locker rooms, we have concluded that it is better to forget all of an old song than half of it. “Ho, hum—nothing in the paper today.”

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GN ACT UKE | YOU LOVE HER'/ aig ive CLO, rer as ise ime ~® Tue Director WHo Forcot He Was MAKING A “TALKIE” ‘he Woman’s Club of Camphor, Ill., Tunes in on the Infinite Mrs. Pearl Pott Prout Introduces Swami Bahoo to a Little Circle of Earnest Seekers. “Laypizz awv thee Woomunz Cllllubb! Sisssssstuzz in seeeeeeking affftuh thee parr-fect oooway! I cumm tew yew thiss afftuh-newn az thee joey-fool herruld awv wun hooz head iz ubbuv thee culloudz, ubbuv thee dussssst anduh gurrime awv owuh munn-dane sssfeee-ugh! Hizz feeet may ressst uppawn owuh hum-bull pave- mentsss, hizz nosssstrillz may inn-hay-ull theee uffending owe-duzz awv owuh teeeeeeeeeming sivvy-lie-zay-shun, _ butt hizz eyes ummung thee starzz! Hizz eee-yuzz eck-sstend ssensssy- tivvleh tawd thee inn-finny-tessy-mull whisspuzz frawm thee Gurrate Sye-luntss, frawm out thee /nn-finnit, thee Awl-Inn- Wunn, thee Evv-urry-whah! Anduh, whutt duzz hee heeeeeer? Ssssoundz tew delly-cate faw owuh munn-dané eee-yuzz tew ass-immy-late! Thee sawngz awv thee plannitts inn their caw-sezz! Thee voy- ssssssss awv thee yoonie-varse! Thee tune awv thee Jnn-finnit! Awv cawss, huwwen I sspeeeek awv ece-yuzz, I meeen speary- chull, nott fizzy-cull, eee-yuzz. Anduh sso tew weeuth eyes—hizz fizzy-cull eyes may resst uppawn a currowd awv peecepul surr-jing home-wudd frawm their daileh toe-ill, or purr-haps a fie-yah enn-junn anssurring ann ullahm awv fie-yah—butt duzz hizz speary-chull eye seee theze oddy-nurry seeeeeenz? NO! Hizz speary- chuil eye iz penny-trayting thee ay- peckssss awv thee hevvunz! Hizz speary- chull eye iz boring intew thee misssss- turriz, seeeeeecking thee keeeeeeee tew thee Life Fawce! Onleh thee other day, sso hee tellz mee, huwwile walking ubbout thee uppart-ment awv a diss-eye- pull, deeep inn meddy-tay-shun weeuth her uppawn ob-skewer subb-jex, hee bumpt intew an open daw, bringing on a painful diss-culler-ay-shun awv thee fizzy-cull eye frawm hoowitch hee sstill “Vera, you must stand right here and tell me everything you saw!” ee | i ssuffuzz. All thoze hoo open clozed doe. uzz, hoo peecer behind thee curtain, hop follow thingz tew their sauce, expoze themselves tew theze dane-juzz. Byy thee Swommeh himself assures mee thy thee ree-waud was fah, fah gurrater thay thee pain awv hizz brewzd eye... Anduh so it iz weeuth uss, Sisstuzz up pawn thee Huwweel awv Life! Wee mug escape frawm owuh boddizz, anduh flog like thissull-down uppawn thee Wings awv thee Cozz-mick Gale! Wee musg shed thee crissy-liss, wee musst bulloom fawth, wee musst dizzolve intew thee Gurrayter Conshushnesss I mean Conssussnesh — Lett uss curreep within thee proe-tecting orra awv thee awl umbracing Wun-nesss awv thee Nop- dimm-enshunnul!....Anduh now, |. az a hum-bull peeyoo-pill, will give way tew thee Marssturr! I will sssssit anduh abbssssorb!....I have thee honor tew pree-zent tew yoo thisss afftuh-newn wun tew hoom thee hiddun_poe-tenshy-alla. teeez awv Life are az an oe-punn boooook, theee missssss-turrrizzz az tranz-pay-runt az a poooool awv cleeeeee-yah wotta..., ....Swommeh Bah-hoooooooc00000000!” (The Swami gracefully swallows his chew of Piper Heidsieck and advances to the center of the platform.) Heman Fay, Jr. Progress of Prohibition Enforcement FEperAL agents spend $75,000.00 for “evi- dence,” and Texas Guinan puts money in the bank; Herbert Hoover calls Prohibi- tion a noble experiment, and the Ameri- can Chemical Society suggests poison gas to close speakeasies; an assistant United States attorney estimates there are 20,000 blind tigers in Manhattan alone, and a bartender thirteen years old goes to jail; a bootleggers’ price war in Idaho cuts whiskey costs to $8.00 a gallon, and the Paradis Club of Washington, D. C., is padlocked for serving ginger ale; night clubs in Democratic New York are raided, and wide-open saloons in Republican Philadelphia remain wide open; the Glass Bottle Blowers’ Association reports mort whiskey glasses are being made than ever before, and a gangster collecting tithes from liquor sellers is arrested for “im personating an officer.” W. W. Scott. FIFTEEN MINUTES’ REST He: May I have this dance? : Sue (an ex-marathon dancer): Lets sleep this one out.

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CS to 8 fF & Television (In Case You’re Interested ) Wuen the sacred duty of reporting on radio for Lire was intrusted to me, I made a solemn vow always to look on the beautiful and romantic side of broad- casting and never to annoy anyone with the sordid and indecent technicalities of the business. I resolved that such words as “hook-up” and “grid trouble” and “frequency” should not sully my lips— or rather my typewriter. Now here I am smack up against Television and once more a Victorian in- hibition will have to be swept away by the march of progress. Because you can’t talk about television without getting technical; so far, it is nothing but a heap of mechanics. At present, it is in the state that radio was in along about 1908, or motion pictures in 1895; but that doesn’t | mean that we shall have to wait twenty or thirty years before ship launchings and monument unveilings can be seen in our own homes. No, things move faster these days and I know optimists who are look- ing forward to seeing this fall’s football games right in their own living-rooms, without risking life and limb on the Boston Post Road. There are three separate phases in the development of television. The first is | sending photographs by radio. This is ' being done every day and is mere child’s | play. Try and do it. The second is trans- | mitting motion pictures by radio, Heaven help us! The third is televising actual | events. And that’s the thing that makes | sport magnates, movie kings and theater owners tremble in their little boots. Until a few weeks ago it was im- possible to send anything but highly illu- | minated scenes over the radio because the photo-electric cell, which is to light waves what the microphone is to sound waves, | demands intense illumination. If you | know anything about photography, you will see why when you realize that the photo-electric cell—the eye of the con- trivance—is only exposed to the scene for one fifty-thousandth of a second. Thus it “Forget the regulations! I want the biggest tennis court in the country.” “Yes, sir, I started out with my first mes- sage forty-six years ago.” “And how many more years do you figure before you'll finally deliver it?” was impossible to televise any scene in natural sunlight or any scene with human actors—except for very short flashes—be- cause of the intensity of the illumination. The Bell Telephone Company has a new system of television whereby it is possible to transmit scenes taken in ordinary sunlight. The necessary light at the receiving end is furnished by a series of amplifying tubes. Are you still with me, or have you gone home? Another present defect of television is being rapidly overcome. So far television has only been able to show stationary or slow-moving objects without blurring the picture. Also it has only been able to show its scene on a small screen two inches square. Most of the machines in this country are limited to a capacity of 40,000 light impulses a second, which is just as though a motion picture were projected at less than half the normal rate of speed. Professor Karolus of Berlin has brought the speed up to 80,000 light impulses a 'second and thinks it is possible to speed up his mechanism even more. To transmit a four inch square picture would require 160,000 impulses. The Herr Professor is now able to project his visions on a three and one-half inch screen. We are getting along, but if I were you I'd put in my application for those foot- ball tickets now, just in case. I wish I'd never got into this. I wish I had decided to write about the Night in Paris Hour. But as long as I have gone this far, I am going right ahead with C.

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Guest: Aha! I see your library is in the original French. Host: Well, I’ll be damned! Francis Jenkins and his radio motion pictures. I like the story of Mr. Jenkins and his inventions. It is a Greek drama. Mr. Jenkins was one of the inventors of the motion picture projector. For his part in perfecting the machine he received a measly $2,500. All these years he has been waiting for his revenge. He has been working nights to try to find something that would give the movies a sock in the eye. And now he’s hit it. Mr. Jenkins has demonstrated radio movies in his home in Washington, D. C. As “Bugs” Baer once said, the big problem of the future will be how to keep covered wagons out of the dining-room. Incidentally, all the contrivances neces- sary for constructing a television receiving set are now on the market. What you will receive after the set is all made, I do not know. But I cheerfully recommend this new form of indoor sport to anyone who wants either to become famous or go insane. Agnes Smith. | Little Rambles with Serial Thinkers A company of young college men said to me recently, “After learning how strongly mental and moral character is inherited we boys now unconsciously learn about the families of the girls we meet.” —Albert E. Wiggam, A man’s underwear symbolizes his view of himself—George Jean Nathan. If a man could read and know one hun. dred books, properly chosen, he would have an education.—Arthur Brisbane. Any war in history could have been stopped if, at the psychological moment, somebody had pulled a good joke. —Bruce Barton. I have no personal friends. 7 —Leon Trotzky. Wholesome necking is to be encouraged. —John B. Watson. If a person is torturing a child or robbing a man or insulting a woman all in the name of God, then his idea of God is wrong.—Dr. Frank Crane. Practically all the beautiful smiles in the world belong to homely women. —Heywood Broun. I am not interested in what a man pro- duces so long as he produces something. —George Matthew Adams. Just a Couple of Sport Writers “Hetto, Joe. Understand you had lunch with Babe Ruth.” : “Yeah. The Big Bambino and | dined together.” “How is the King of Swat today?” “Oh, George Herman Ruth seemed all right.” “You known the Patriarch of the Pill Pasters very long?” “Yeah. The Sultan of Sock and I are old friends.” “Well, tell the mighty Mogul of Maul hello for me the next time you see him.” “Sure. I'll remember you to the Colos- sus of Clout.” Sz UTTER EXHAUSTION Patsy: How many times were you kissed last night? Prccy: I don’t know. I got so tired | could hardly keep my eyes closed. A Scotcx aviator looped-the-loop and dropped his pocketbook but he reached the ground first.

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LiFe MRS. PEP’S DIARY WaAKENED with a wonderment July as to where I was, which was 30 in a room at the Nelson House in Poughkeepsie, where we stopped last night on our travels, and the Bible placed on my bedtable by the Gideons was so attractive in format that I fell areading it, and felt great virtue in not carrying it off, since it was not chained, as usual. Up and did on my green etamine and off again by motor, feeling a strange and unreasonable, but wifely, resentment against Sam if we did strike a bit of rough going or come upon a road worker with a red flag, and I do surely wish that Jane Bausman would found her projected Society for the Reconstruction of the Detour Before Work Is Begun on the Main Road. Suddenly opening my bag, | did discover missing from it the diamond and platinum brooch which I had pinned firmly to its lining with a safety clasp, and my distress thereat was so great that I was at some pains to com- pose myself, nor was my state of mind helped, neither, by Sam’s reiterating that | had probably left it in New York, when the punctures which it had made in the silk were before his very eyes, as a very pretty and kind Miss Catherine Van Steenburgh pointed out when we stopped in Red Hook to telephone back to Poughkeepsie. So we were forced to pro- ceed with nothing gained on my loss save the reporting of it, and it was cold comfort to reflect that finders are usually keepers. My irritation also increased by Sam’s pointing out this and that along the way and remarking on the beauty of the weather, until I could have slapped him, as I could all motoring companions who thus take for granted that there is some- thing wrong with my five senses. Coming to a refreshment stand, the pleasant woman in charge of it cheered me some- what by telling me that her husband was an Indian and that she knew a patent nostrum which would cure my malady, etc., but I do wish she had not included the news that she was going to modernize for commercial purposes the fine old house, aged 156, which stood before me. So on, coming finally to Cooperstown after I had abandoned all hope of ever reaching it, and there was a great com- pany already gathered for dinner so that I must needs emulate a fire horse in changing my raiment. Sate between Granger Gaither and Mr. Thomas Has- tings, the great architect, and G. said that were he sufficiently funded to make his Alma Mater a handsome present, he would pass up chapel organs, sun dials and chairs in English History, giving | instead an ideal barroom, and Mr. Has- | tings thought it might be fun to design such a place, so we fell to discussing details, and I suggested Lazy Susans for the free lunch, and Granger a telephone that answered all calls automatically, “He’s not here!” After dinner by horse- carts up a high hill, and to the tower’s top for coffee and liqueurs under the stars, and Mistress Hastings so diverted me that I nearly fell over the battlements from laughter, a calamity which would at least have put me out of my many current miseries. Home and to bed, reading in a book called “The Cheerful Cherub,” a collection of quatrains which is exactly Tue Cutprir WHo Moves Out or a House AND Leaves a Lot or Oup Sarety Razor BLapes OrcHesTRA Leaver: I want you to come in on that trill softly—tenderly—like a sweet little bird call. the thing to find on one’s night table, the two I liked best being: *‘God made the star-hung skies for us, And singing trees and hills and lakes, Of course he made mosquitoes, too— But everybody makes mistakes."’ And: **Be kind to all dumb animals And give small birds a crumb. Be kind to human beings, too— They're sometimes pretty dumb,”’ and when I had finished, I did have the misfortune to break my spectacles, thereby spoiling my morrow’s plan of lifting up mine eyes unto the hills, of which there are such splendid specimens in this vicinity. But at least when I have the lenses reset, I can take the precaution of ordering them in rose color. Baird Leonard. Dictionary of Modern Domesticity | Father: A moron who would have had | a lot of money to leave you, if he had only had half your brains. Companionate Marriage: One that lasts as long as you can agree on the tint of the bathroom tiling. Home: The place you have to go when | the padlock squad has been busy. Love: A word sometimes occurring in songs and in the titles of movies. Mother: A_ distant relative, memory is kept alive by florists. Family: The people you try to live on. Divorce: Exasperating red tape. Children: What immigrants have. whose Wirn the farm leaders and the novelists and the business men going over to Al Smith, soon Hoover will have nothing left but the voters.

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10 THE POLITICAL FRONT The Gentleman from New Hampshire Ir I were Herbert Hoover, I should lie awake nights worry- ing about George Higgins Moses. This Ale amiable gentleman wr Zz from New Hamp- yi shire is altogether Oe too bright to hold a Wil 7 position of great prominence in a campaign for the Presi- dency. He has the quality, which he shares with Mrs. Nicholas Longworth, of blurting out horrid truths in the form of epigrams bound to be repeated. Mrs. Longworth’s apothegms on politics and personalities are seldom reported, but Mr. Moses’ always are; he makes them for that purpose. As manager of Mr. Hoover’s Eastern campaign, he is apt at any mo- ment to say something that will hurt Mr. Hoover’s y Heron It is not that Mr. Moses is indiscreet; he just has a quaint way of phrasing his comments and judgments, and no control over his sharp and telling wit, The Republican candidate has far less to suffer from Dr. Hubert Work’s stu- pidity than from Mr. Moses’ brilliance. Chairman Work has more or less been muzzled, but nobody will muzzle Mr. Moses. When Dr. Work says something silly, which is practically always, nobody pays much attention, for it is generally understood that this ambitious physician- in-politics is not clever. The New York press, on the other hand, is ready to re- port Senator Moses’ slightest comment in heavy type. His animadversions on the Democrats are caustic enough, but it is his fleeting comments on the Republican situation that really hurt. For example, he caused acute distress to some of his The Hoover will sweep the country in 1928. It’s in the bag! Only the Hoover is fitted with the famous SILENT motor, developed after eight years of research at the Mellon Institute; only the Hoover has been tested in actual use by our Government down in Washington. The powerful Hoover removes the dirt by DRY CLEANING. Fully guaranteed to run for four years without oiling, or will be replaced. Get in line with the Hoover and clean up. ee | party colleagues when he characterize the theory that Mr. Hoover would smash the Solid South as so much “bunk.” Such admissions are not made in og. itics, but Mr. Moses makes them. In his exhilaration he is capable of inventing a wisecrack that will resound through the country. His insatiable exhibitionism, his appetite for applause, expose him to the peril of being tar too “smart.” The man who, when Minister to Greece, harangued the Athenian populace in their native tongue will not confine his campaign ac. tivities to issuing platitudes on a mimeo. graph. * * * THE GENTLEMAN from New Hampshire enjoys an important place in the United States Senate, but hitherto he has not attracted much public attention. Tem. peramentally he is as much an obstruc. tionist as Jim Reed of Missouri or Borah of Idaho. His satire is not so sharp as the former’s, nor his debating capacities s sustained and intelligent as the latter's, Were he more indus- trious and less witty, Mr. Moses might be- come one of the com- manding figures in our Upper House. He is reveling in his new prominence in pol- itics and savoring his grandiloquent titles to the full. If Mr. Hoover is elected, Senator Moses will emerge with great prestige, for he was one of the first—the very first in New England — to construe the President's English as final and to indorse Mr. Hoover for the nomination. He was an efficient Chairman at Kansas City and hoped to be named for Vice-President, for he is an expert diner-out and doesn't mind opening conventions or closing corner-stones. Mr. Mosgs can make one valuable con tribution to Mr. Hoover’s campaign and that is an atmosphere of vitality. The Hoover canvass tends to become too much an affair of set speeches, of solemn and carefully prepared pronouncements. The Hoover technique is that of a druggist weighing the elements of a prescription. What is needed just now 1s a freer an less constrained manner on Mr. Hoovers art. He still acts as if he were afraid of bis shadow; his sentences sound as if 4 dozen drafts had been written and the definitive phrase finally memorized. Some of his sentiments seem more formula than convictions. Mr. Hoover should cul

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shire /nited $ not Tem- struc- Borah as the es $0 tter’s,

THe RuNAways

“Gee, it’s getting dark. Maybe we'd better go back for our tooth-brushes.”

tivate spontaneity—that priceless stock in trade which Theodore Roosevelt had but which Woodrow Wilson could never de- velop. He should carefully avoid over-use of the convenient word ‘“‘constructive,” which, if used without specifications, is as much jargon in politics as it is in business. Henry Suydam.

The Man I Love “Wuy, hello, Ed! Howsa boy? Gee, I’m glad to see you. Where you been all these years? Why dontcha ever give a fellow a buzz an’ let him hear from you? Lemme look you over. Say, Ed, you’re gettin’ old! You old sonuvagun—you’re gettin’ bald!! (Hearty laughter.) That’s rich! That’s a kick. To think o’ you gettin’ bald. You're gettin’ fat, too. Just a coupla years more, big boy, an’ you'll have to carry that bay window o’ yours around in a wheel- barrow. (Hearty laughter.) How's the missus? How’s the kids? That boy o’ yours must be shavin’ by now. Let’s see— you been married twelve years now, or is it thirteen? I'll say time flies, don’t it, Ed? It won’t be long now before they have us old guys in the wheel chairs. Ain’t it the truth, Ed? Let’s see. I’m thirty-eight an’ you must be four or five years older’n me. Bui, thank Pete, I ain’t got any bald spot yet. As long as a man keeps a good head o’ hair, he don’t begin to show his age—I always say. Why dontcha rub some dive oil and turpentine into your hair every night? That'll start the old grass growin’. And you oughta begin comin’ up

to the club and playin’ handball. You'd | feel a lot better if you’d get rid of a coupla tons o’ that blubber you're packin’ around. (Hearty laughter.) Well, old timer, I’m glad I ran into you. Let’s get together one o’ these days an’ tie some knots in the car tracks or somethin.’ If any o’ your kids get married, invite me to the weddin’. (Hearty laughter.) So long, Ed. Don’t take no Canadian labels.” Robert Lord.

WituiaM ALLEN Wuirte evidently doesn’t believe that love conquers Al.

a < ; . ra “Hey, there isn’t room for both of us here!”

The Whole System’s Wrong “Recisterep for the election yet?” “No, I haven’t found time, Bill. It’s an awful lot of bother, Bill, having to chase down to the City Hall every two years.” “Yeah. It is a kind of nuisance.” “The whole system’s wrong, Bill. You have to go down and stand in line for five minutes to register, and then on Election Day you line up again at the Ils. It’s too much trouble, Bill.” “Yeah. They seem to make it as hard for the voters as they can.” “A fella simply can’t find time for it all, Bill. Usually you're too rushed to vote before work, and in the afternoon you're too tired to hunt up a voting place.” “Yeah. That's right. Well, Charley: what about the morning?’ “T’ll set the alarm for three, Bill, and as soon as I get up I'll phone you. We'll chase right out to the course and sign up. If we stay right there we ought to be able to tee off in three or four hours.” “Sure we had. And if we have to wait now, | until eleven or twelve, we can get in eigh- teen holes before dark.” Chet Johnson.

ALL IN THE DAY’S WORK First Monk (at Hospice of St. Ber- nard): Brother, one of the dogs just brought in an exhausted wayfarer, who would have perished among the icy Alps. Seconp Monk: Ho, hum—the same old story! Now if a man should rescue a dog, that would be news.

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THE THEATRE They’re Off! Tuere may be things about Mr. Earl Carroll’s revues that you do not like, but he has always been one of the few pro- ducers who know where to go for plenty of comedy. Of course, there may also be things about his comedy that you do not like, but it is there, nevertheless, and somewhere in its abundance you ought to find a little sunshine, unless you are just an old crachity. From certain complaints that have been filed by members of the audience on the opening night of Mr. Carroll’s new “Vanities,” we gather that we got to laughing pretty loudly ourself. But that is a way we have when W. C. Fields is up there. We have been doing it ever since he used to play pool in pantomime, years ago in his juggling days, and we don’t see any way of stopping it at this late date. And if people don’t like the way we laugh they can leave the theater. We won't. ASBESTOS >

In addition to Mr. Fields (pardon us while we laugh again) there is that natural comic, Mr. Joe Frisco, who has practically cured himself of stuttering without the slightest injury to his humor and who gives an imitation of Helen Morgan riding her piano which could go as it stands right into the “Grand Street Follies.” The famous pyrotechnic cigar is also in good working order, as are the twinkling toes. There didn’t seem to be quite enough of the Dooleys, although Miss Ray was there as the uneasy child and Gordon as an occasional man with a beard. Probably what we really wanted was to have Miss Dooley and Mr. Fields come on in an automobile, accompanied by Fannie Brice and the mysterious little man in a long linen duster. If we were ever to see that hallowed sight again we should probably swoon. The human system can stand just so much ecstasy. This will perhaps give you some idea of why we got to laughing at the “Vanities.” The reasons why we didn’t get more excited about some of the other features

are less easy to enumerate. Mr. Carroll has evidently spent a great deal of money on his production, but perhaps he doesn’t know how to shop as well as Mr. Ziegfeld or Mr. White. Aside from one highly effective Machinery Ballet which opens the second act (don’t miss it by hanging around smoking too long on the side- walk), the effects are of the Christmas tree school and designed to impress the infant eye. One curtain actually came down with fireworks shooting out from it, probably the last word in décor; at any rate it should be. Tere are few tunes in the score of the “Vanities” which will give you much bother during the fall, although Richard Bold does very well with what he has and Miss Lillian Roth, another graduate of the Texas Guinan Finishing School, puts quite a lot of something into the numbers allotted to her. The young ladies of the ensemble have been chosen with a clear and steady eye and their featured leader, Dorothy (“The Most Beautiful Girl in the World”) Knapp has this year extended her activities to placing both hands on her hips instead of only one, and, on another occasion, breaking into one or two of the less intricate steps of a tango. In the big scene, showing a cabin on the SS. “Paris,” she decorates a bed so effectively that one would be a fool to spend any time walking around on deck. There were no beds like that on the “Paris” last February. And, speaking of beds, several of the sketches have a distinct physical note to them; in fact, there are one or two cadenzas. But who cares? It’s only make- believe, anyway. A CERTAIN academic touch is given the proceedings at the close by the introduc- tion of a series of college songs — by young ladies who seem to be peeking through a movie-screen on which are be- ing thrown scenes typical of the colleges

—_—= themselves. Thus, while ““Harvardiana” is being sung, a pretty shot of the confetti battle on Class Day is shown; for Ya} there is a scene of some sort of revelry or other to the tune of what the program calls “Bula, Bula”; Princeton seems tp be rowing in the picture thrown on tp the “Canon Song March,” and the big finale is allotted to the Navy with , song the title of which Mr. Carroll yp. derstood to be “Anchor’s Weight.” Hay. ing Harvard sympathies ourself, we are proud to note that the most applause from a typical “Vanities” first-night audience was for Princeton. Tn yf ij | i) | Weil ae a GRAN TueEs—E random notes on the “Vanities” should not be taken as derogatory, for it is a generally satisfactory show, especially in the laughter department, and, aside from one or two raw moments, some- thing that you can sit very comfortably through. The other plays which we promised to review this week have undergone those changes in schedule which always follow an advance notice in this department, “Elmer Gantry” was postponed, owing to a slight disagreement between the author, Mr. Kearny, and the owner of the Play- house, Mr. Brady, over who should write the play. It will be reviewed next week, as we so often say. The other drama, “Trapped,” decided not to come to New York at all and has opened in Chicago. As a substitute something called “Guns” opened at Wallack’s, but as it was billed as “‘a snappy story of gangdom”’ and our seats were not on the aisle, we haven't seen it yet. We understand that there is a great deal of artillery work involved in its production; so until we can get seats from which we can duck at a moment's notice, we doubt very much if we do see it. We’re no fool, to go and get shot at. <2 --—_ Tuis isn’t a very good beginning for our new policy of seeing everything and saying everything. But what can you do when the shows don’t open as they say they are going to, or when a pleasant show like the “‘Vanities” comes along, of when you don’t get aisle seats? Maybe next week would be a better week to begin, anyway. It ought to be lots cooler by then. Robert Benchley.

The Confidential Guide to current plays will be found on page 26.

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ities” for it cially aside some- tably nised those ollow nent. ng to thor, Play- write veek, ama, New cago. uns villed | our ven't re is d in seats ent’s > see it at. 13 THE MAIN STEM — 9 | f I suppose you ‘2 have a letch to know X~ Dear Pat WILLARD: ~ what your favorite Aly S author looks like. I refer to the very odd McIntyre, who prob- ably scrivens stuff about the Great Whoopee Way for one of the rags in your town. Don’t tell me you've never heard of him because I understand he pens paragraphs about New York for a mess of newspapers all over the world. Frankly, I don’t know Mr. McIntyre personally. I’ve seen him around, however, and it would be a waste of time to kid him because he twits him- self; that is, he keeps gagging his makeup and his wearing apparel. The only time he made me laugh right out loud, Willard, was when I caught him at an opening night in his bib and tucker. He was all prettied up in his dress suit with the swallow tails and everything, and right then and there I was convinced that he came from Plattsburg, which is in Missouri some place. He has plenty of white hair and his cheeks are sunken, which probably came from listening to people who told him stuff that he had used before. But I like his column and his code. He appears to be a regular guy, which is all that really matters, anyway. The only time I foam at the mouth is when he takes us New Yorkers across his good knee and gives us a piece of his mind. You know what I mean, Willard. We are all alike. All of us ask for a candid criticism about ourselves and when we get it we squawk our heads off. But McIntyre seems just as sensitive. Right now he is hammering away at Franklin P. Adams, who also columns in New York, because Adams yipped at him for using “like” as a conjunction. Adams is incessantly kid- ding writers about their grammar, but Oscar, which is McIntyre’s front tag, is the only one who ever pouted out loud in the paper about it. He argued that Shakespeare used “like” as a conjunction and then sat back relieved. I do know this about McIntyre, at any ——_ 1PA.QQ a ae : SESSA el P WHOOPELEE ——s- CO” neni 7 _— = WBINvoeo Cowsoy (just in from the range): Yip, yip, yip, whoopee!! EasteRN Tourist: Gracious, aren’t these natives quick at picking up the latest thing on Broadway! rate. I know that he has been peddling chatter about New York for a dozen years or more and is earning about $1500 every week from his syndicated stuff alone. He writes for more magazines than anyone I know of and his other achievement is his beautiful wife, who is always with him. Yet he will tell you that he can re- member when he used to cut his own hair because the breaks were not so good and that his struggle for recognition was tougher than Tom Hee-heeney’s jaw. It is only in the last year or so that he “made” the town he has been writing about. It appears that he could never con- vince the Gotham editors of the value of such a depart- ment. In the mean- time an army of up- starts landed jobs on t he Metropolitan rags doing the same thing, and the Hearst papers had to go to their strongest competitor, the McNaught Syndicate, to hire him, because the Broadway and New York stuff had become a vogue. And he is the only columnist with a monument already erected for him. The home in which he was born in Plattsburg still stands and the Chamber of Com- merce has tacked up a tablet calling atten- tion to the fact, which must give him a bigger kick than Tex Rickard put up about the radio ruining his gate receipts. There isn’t much else stirring. “Angela Mia” is a pretty ditty and for a wallop- ing march ask your phonograph merchant for a record of ““We Are the Musketeers,” from Ziegfeld’s “Three Musketeers” show. And for the latest poker slang, “The Dolly Sisters” means a pair of Queens. “Hart, Schaffner and Marx” means three Kings. “Texas Guinan’s” is a Full House. “The Shuberts” means a pair of Jacks....and a straight flush is a rush of blood to the head. Oh, yes, and the current Scotch gag concerns the Aber- donian who almost murdered his wife when he caught her rinsing out his shav- ing brush. Walter Winchell. NO INCENTIVE Mrs. Tippens: Why doesn’t Esther come to our mothers’ meetings any more? Mrs. Lampem: Oh, didn’t you know that she has had a baby? “Hey, Dad, make it whistle when my train goes around a curve, will yuh?”

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14 A i aS “Ye ‘x “WHILE THERE IS LIFE THERE’S HOPE” VOLUME 92 August 23, 1928 NuMBER 2390 Published by LIFE PUBLISHING COMPANY 598 Madison Avenue, New York Cuarces Dana Gisson, President Crain Maxwe.u, Vice-President Rosert Emmet SHerwoop, Editor LANGHORNE Gipson, Secretary-Treasurer Now that both presi- dential nominees have admitted that they will accept the honors thrust upon them the campaign is officially opened, and we may have less politics in the papers for a week or so. The customary midsummer lull of a presidential year failed to appear this time because so many people wanted to change sides; and most of them had the shrewdness to realize that they would get more space in the papers by changing sides in July than in September. Whether the Democrats gain or lose by winning some millionaires and intellectuals, and driving some old-time politicians over into the other camp, we may not know till Election Day. The reconstruction of the Democratic party which is going on under our eyes depends chiefly, for the present, on a personality. If Smith wins, the political realignment which he has made will be comparable to Andrew Jackson’s. oom-pum-purn! ” ‘ 9 Given eight years, or even four, to con- solidate itself, the Smith bloc would in all likelihood develop a coherent body of doctrine; and for the first time in decades this country would have a major party based on a definite set of opinions about public affairs. A great many people think that is what we need; but the politicians, reasoning from experience, find that parties which try to please everybody and offend nobody by having no opinions at all are more convenient for the politicians, if somewhat less serviceable to the public welfare. And if Smith loses, this bloc is likely to disintegrate; for whatever the theoretical value of like-mindedness, it is of less practical effect as a cohesive force than the ability to get the offices. The Republicans have got by far the larger share of the midsummer publicity, perhaps because Al was cooling off in the surf and the rest of the Democrats were out looking for that four millon dollars. The Republicans can get their four million without much ‘den. but even this year the Democrats will in all likelihood have to work for it. Meanwhile the Democratic National Chairman has commissioned a_ great economist to find out what ought to be done about farm relief; and citizens who are shocked by such unpolitical behavior had better prepare themselves for more shocks of the same sort, whoever wins. Irreverent persons have been recalling that Mr. Raskob, as an official of General Motors, some time ago commissioned this same economist, Professor Seligman, to inquire into the scientific validity of the installment plan. Since the installment plan was the method by which Mr. Raskob sold automobiles, it was obvious that if that plan proved unsound he would have to retire to the monastery or be- come a hermit in the Pocono Mountains; so he took a considerable chance. So did the rest of us; for if there should turn out to be anything wrong with the in- stallment plan it would practically be necessary to close up the United States. Professor Seligman, then, had almost the responsibility of a scientist commis- sioned to inquire whether the world is or is not coming to an end week after next. But happily he discovered that the install- ment plan is all right, so the sun still rises every morning and we can all breathe easily once more. On the surface it would seem that Mr. Raskob, having got the right answer once, ——— trusts his expert to find the right answer once again; but it is not quite so simple as that. In the case of the installment Ms the answer was either yes or no; as to whether the farmer needs relief it js , unanimous yes. All parties, great and small, shed a sympathetic tear for the farmer’s woes; but they seem to know no more than he does about how to cure them. Mr. Raskob, no doubt with Goy. ernor Smith’s approval, rightly realized that this was a job for an economist of the first rank. Professor Seligman is as likely as any man in the world to find the right answer; but it remains to be seen whether the farmers, or the politi- cians who play with the farm vote, will accept what he regards as the right answer, if it fails to square with certain sacred dogmas. Now this episode is a symptom of the sort of thing that is likely to happen in con- siderable quantity in the next administra. tion. The machinery of the modern state has become so complicated that the aver- age man cannot express an_ intelligent opinion about most of its workings. All that can be done is to ask for a report from the experts, and then accept that report or reject it. Both Hoover and Smith have been considerably more receptive of expert opinion than most of our recent executives, national or local; it seems tolerably certain that whichever is elected, the scientists will be called on more often than ever before. But respect for expert opinion cannot be reconciled with the ancient principle that any free- born American citizen is qualified to decide anything and decide it right. You may say that that principle has lost what- ever value it may have had in an earlier and simpler day, that it is only super- annuated nonsense. But the politicians who live by flattering the voters will not agree with you. The average of political intelligence in New York City is, from all the evidence, no lower than the aver- age of the United States; and New York tolerated for eight years a Mayor, John F. Hylan, who steadfastly maintained that all experts were ignoramuses unless they agreed with him. Either Hoover or Smith will in all likelihood try to give us a good deal of scientific government; and in all likeli- hood it will be good for us. But will we accept it? That is one of the questions that is likely to make American history amusing for the next few years.

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— MeanwuiLe, Mrs. Mabel Walker Wille- brandt’s campaign against New York night clubs is having a great success from every point of view; especially from that of the Prohibition enforcement bureau’s investigators. If Washington dispatches are correct, their expense accounts averaged more than $125 a night per capita over a period of several months; and there must have been some nights when they had to rest up. True, they charged the Govern- ment two or three times the current prices for drinks, but no doubt that can be explained away. The campaign was a blessing to the night clubs, too; for the boys who go to such places say that a good many of them were about to close anyway, with summer coming on, and they can pretty well afford to pay their fines out of the $70,000 of the taxpayers’ money that was left in them by the gatherers of evidence. ; Deepest of all is the satisfaction that must be felt by the numerous persons who complain that Prohibition has fomented hypocrisy. For in New York (the most patriotic metropolitan cannot deny it) the business of evading the Volstead Act is still encumbered by a certain degree of ignoble precaution. You cannot get into a speakeasy, it is said, unless you have a card or the man at the door knows you. In Philadelphia, only ninety miles away, it is possible (or was quite lately) to stand on the sidewalk of a busy downtown street and look over the swinging doors at the customers lined up along the bar, just as in the old days before the nation embarked on this great and noble experi- ment. Mrs. Willebrandt’s Avenging Angels could not get around everywhere; so they punished hypocritical New York and left candid Philadelphia pretty much alone. Of course New York is Al Smith’s town and Philadelphia is Bill Vare’s town; but it cannot be that that has any- thing to do with Philadelphia’s immunity. NXAQOOQAISE® Some fliers cross the Atlantic, and some furnish entertainment to passengers on liners by getting rescued from the waves. But it was left for the Polish aviators, who flew round and round in circles off the Spanish coast till they had gone far enough to get to New York, to furnish a miniature picture of modern civilization. At last the human race commands enough power to carry itself a long way, if it only knew just where it wanted to go and how to get there. Elmer Davis. GOD SAVE THE FROM “TAMMANE-EE-E HALL ! COUNTRY The Harmony Boys A Nose for News **Q. When a young woman traveling alone is invited by a man whom she knows to lunch with him in the diner, may she accept the invitation with propriety?"’ —‘‘Good Manners’’ query in New York Graphic. No. With alacrity. ‘*Kenneth Harlan, Film Actor, Said to Have Been Seen With Wife.”’ —Portland Oregonian. “But,” added Mr. Dana, “when a film actor is seen with his wife, that’s news!” ‘‘Whether his connection is the natural out- growth of being a party to the alleged crimes for which he stands indicted, or whether he was instructed by officials of the society he repre- sented for so many years to become a party to the crimes that intimate information concerning the operations of groups that are believéd to Be exacting large sums of money from keepers of liquor, vice and gambling houses for protection purposes, is the issue that will in all probability be determined shortly when an attempt is made to implicate him closely as part of the ring.” —Boston Herald. Simize: As clear as a political issue. “The Misses Doris, Agnes and Vivian Smith are spending several days at the home of their mother, Mrs. W. W. Lawrence. This is the hrst tme in years that the community has had the pleasure of seeing the Smith girls in the altogether at one time." —Sidney (Ohio) Daily News. Anp very becoming it is, too. “Confections will be furnished to those who are non-smokers and refreshments of a more substantial mature to those who smoke, others who do not as well as to those who do both.”’ —Ravenswood (Ill.) Citlten. WELL, we guess we'll go anyhow.

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16 Man, its hot © Wot say to a lil’ swim to cool off ? 7 Wool! Im | sufocatin’ Im So hot! I can handly wait to + Tot Me too! s/nathi siperfect! chat ules so refreshing a Tin just Gpn3 feel as cool and NCE Cool Swim , « Vay out here dnd calm as a Cow- foak For 8 Couns; D hhoues / Thy. ee OPP IT NV , 7 ode Two Men in a Locker

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“YOU CAN’T LOSE”— Except Maybe in the Last Race Tuis is all about how to pick five winners in six races every day, a consummation devoutly to be wished by everyone who is interested in what—for no apparent reason—is called “improving the breed” of galloping equines. As each auto swings out of the gate after the finish of the last race at Sara- toga, for instance, a number of men and boys posted at that point drop printed leaflets into the passing cars. These leaf- lets vary in color, typography and author- ship, but they are remarkably similar in one important detail. They bear public and practically unimpeachable evidence that “Long Shot Sweeny” or “Wendell the Turf Wizard,” as the case may be, has picked five winners for his lucky “subscribers” that very day. The leaflets may run something like this: “TODAY! TODAY! DON’T MISS THE KILLING! Our subscribers are warned to get down early. First Race: Mugwump. Our clockers know this nag can’t miss. Second Race: TODAY’S Special, FLYING WHEELBARROW. Sure to be a long shot. Third Race: EXTRA SPECIAL, LIMBURGER II. Go strong to this one. Fourth Race: THREE STAR EXTRA _ SPECIAL, FIRST MORTGAGE. This one is home already. Fifth Race: TODAY’S THREE STAR EXTRA SPECIAL GUARAN- TEED WINNER (Don’t pass this tip. For our subscribers only), MELTED BUTTER. The softest thing yet. Don’t slip up on this. Sixth Race: Caterwumpus. Worth a bet if track conditions and odds are right.” These are the principal points of in- terest, but there are other little items to the effect that the leaflets are for sale every morning at 11 a.M. for the price of $2; weekly subscriptions $5, and why gamble? Why not invest with Long Shot Sweeney or Wendell the Turf Wizard? Looking down at his program, the racegoer will discover that, sure enough, these astounding soothsayers have picked five winners in a row and for the price of $2 and a starting bet of a fiver, a “subscriber” of that morning should be riding away from the track a winner by something like $13,450 or maybe more. What philanthropists! Giving all that in- formation away for $2, prepaid! Why didn’t they keep it to themselves and buy the whole of South America for a winter home? The most remarkable exhibition of all, however, was the day at Saratoga when one of these leaflets “‘For Sale at 11 a.m.” named a winner that was a last-minute post entry in a race that started at 3:45 p.M. This exhibition was never repeated because it had almost fatal consequences. Thousands of regular railbirds nearly laughed themselves to death. There was a chap who, lured by the indisputable evidence, invested $2 in one of these valuable leaflets at 11 a.m., played the selections that afternoon for all he was worth and thus ended all his financial worries. At tht end of the day he had nothing to worry about. Not a cent. As he left the track he stared at a leaflet that was shoved in his hand. It looked like the leaflet he had purchased at 11 A.M. It was by the same illustrious author. But all the selections were different except in the last race, and that horse happened to be the only one that lost. Woe, woe, unutterable woe! The dis- illusioned one learned that the leaflets sold

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Xj &§ FF & His Day Dozin’ at 11 A. M. didn’t read at all like the leaflets distributed as the crowd filtered away from the track. He even learned that all those remarkable selections were “picked” after the different races had been run, were struck off on a press within a few blocks of the track, and were rushed to the gate in time to meet the departing throng. That was why the leaf- lets ae named the winner of the last race. That one had to be picked before the race was run. On learning these melancholy facts, the guileless individual renounced his in- | tention of making his fortune at the racetrack and started on an extended walking tour toward his home, sweet home. That was two weeks ago. At the rate he was going, he should be almost there now. John Kieran. “Pay a Little More” WHEN the new car arrives: “Well, I’m satisfied. It’s a peach of a job, I think. Rides like a top. What I say is, pay a little more and get what you want. It’s the only way.” When the first body squeak makes it- self heard: “Oh, they all squeak. There isn’t a body in the world that won’t squeak.” When the first engine knock comes: “Say, you’ve no idea how much abuse a car gets on these awful streets around here. Talk about holes—they’re valleys, that’s what they are. It’s a wonder an en- gine doesn’t go to pieces the first hundred miles, I’m telling you.” When the front wheels develop a shim- my: “Aha, my wife has had this car out again.” When the ignition system goes bad: “You've got to expect things like that. An automobile is a sensitive piece of ma- chinery.” When the rear system falls out: “That’s a fine how-de-do. I’m telling you, if I drove this car myself all the time, this couldn’t happen in a month of Sundays. Way I look at it, the way that =. —_—_—— “Smuggled?! Well, you’ve got a nerve! I bought that right on Broadway.” “Can you beat it, Agnes? There’s no mirror in my locker.” son of mine drives, I’m surprised the car can even be towed in.” When Elmer Feemster, a_ neighbor whose income is only $2,500 per annum, buys a car of the same make: “Say, I certainly did take a rooking on this junk-wagon. They saw me coming, all right. It’s a cheap pile of iron, that’s all it is. I’m going to trade it in for what- ever they give me and invest in a real car. What I say is, pay a little more and get what you want. It’s the only way.’ Tupper Greenwald. The Wise Guys “Tus Tunney retiring is just another trick to get Dempsey and Tunney to gether again.’ ““Yeah—now Dempsey’ll come out and lace a couple of ham-and-eggers and claim the crown again and then Tunney’ Il come back from Europe and challenge him and Rickard’ll have to charge a hundred a seat to keep the public away.” “The public are all a bunch of saps— they'll fal 1 for anything in the papers. “Yeah—but just the same, I'd like to see those two together again.’ “Yeah—the next time Dempsey mects Tunney it'll be a real fight.” -xH. L. SAPARLOLALARLIAOR

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SARPARIANSAA o°a « 4 4 E mS) ZAIN an O— 22 n VISSER SS SSS SE SN SN SS SR SS SS SS SS SN SS SE A SN lS NEIGHBORHOOD NEWS Indiana MerepitH NicHoLson, author o’ “Cava- lier o’ Tennessee,” an’ lots other novels, wuz one o’ th’ big bugs at th’ Literary Field Day exercises at Culver Military Academy, on Lake Maxinkuckee. He wuz lookin’ fine. ***Mr. George Ade is summerin’ at his home, Hazelden Farm, in th’ Benton county, Indianny, roastin’ ear belt. He is lookin’ fine. ***Mr. Booth Tarkington, who needs no introduction, is gittin’ out his work at his summer home at Kennebunkport, Maine, and lookin’ fine. **Mr. Jonathan Brooks, author o’ “High Ground,” an’ others, is lookin’ fine, but still in Indynoplus. ***We are glad t’ note that all Indianny authors are lookin’ fine, all havin’ had ever'thing accepted up t’ date. u I'll be glad when summer’s gone. So many folks smell like hot lead pencil erasers. ***Four cases o’ Sandy McDonald wuz seized by Sheriff Art Smiley th’ first o’ th’ week, an’ Art invited a committee o’ prominent citizens, Rev. Wiley Tanger, Judge Pusey, Dr. Mopps, an’ Tell Bink- ley, tornado insurance, t’ watch him destroy it, but after a very careful ex- amination o’ th’ labels it wuz declared t’ be genuine. ***Jake Bentley, dyed in th’ mustache Democrat, has come out flatfooted fer Hoover. He says if somethin’ hain’t done purty soon t’ keep th’ middle west from starvin’ Hoover’ll be jest th’ man fer th’ place. Abe Martin. Pittsburgh Frep Sanvers, the sunburned roadhouse man, is praying for a late winter and we hope he gets it. Thanks for that season pass, Fred. ® Andrew W. Mellon, of Forbes Street, is summering in the Old Country, despite or because of those debts. ***Ann Harding, the acting lady who is Harry Bannister’s wife, recently departed from one of our finest maternity hospitals with twelve pounds of (bouncing) boy or girl. If we were the proud parent we wouldn’t let Mr. Hoover kiss the young man or young woman, as the case may be, if he did want to. ***Speaking of Herbert, it looks like a lot of the citizens are voting in the Sun- Telegraph's presidential straw vote with their tongues hanging out. William Pfarr. San Francisco Quite a number of folks of the G. O. P. Republican party went down to Palo Alto, Calif., for the blow-out which was given Herb Hoover, where he learned some- thing to his advantage. Herb responded in the same happy vein with an im- promptu speech on which he had been working for two months. ***A new innovation has been started here this summer in the hiring of guest conductors. The Symphony Orchestra tried it first and now the idea has been taken up by the Market Street Railway. ***The Standard Oil Company’s aerial beacon on Mt. Diablo is finding con- siderable favor with local moths. u%* Pete Kyne and Stew White report a good time was had at the Bohemian Grove doings this year. Mischa Elman was there, too, as were others, also. ***Miss Mary Martin of here and Wilson McCarthy, of Gotham, got themselves married recently, completely disproving the “‘East is East and West is West, etc.,” theory. ***We do not like to be too critical but it seems to us the hot dog men at the beach aren’t putting on as much mustard as they used to. Chet Johnson. Denver Poto seems to have taken the place of ping pong for the summer months at the Polo Club, Christopher Cusack and Larry Phipps, with their horses, being among those participating. ***William MacLeod Raine, 150 Race Street, is thinking some of writing his next novel on a Western theme. ***Plastering is two weeks ahead of schedule in the palatial home of Mr. and Mrs. P. Hagner Holme on Forest Park- way, now under construction. « Billy Berger has an orchid growing in his back yard and Harold Kountze of the same prominent firm of bankers has had his brakes relined and front end re- bushed. ***Our amiable colleague George Lewis has had some of his articles on public utilities accepted by the Congressional Record. Nice going, George! ***Edward Ring, he having won his fight to get people to say Coloradan in- stead of Coloradoan, is backing the water ouzel for state bird. Henry Van Schaack is leading the meadow lark faction, with Will Grant, as usual, on the left wing. ***An easy and economical use to which to put old horseshoes is to give them to Mr. Charles S. Sidle, who plays horse- shoes behind his beautiful house on Hum- boldt Street with friends. ***T ooking back in historical retrospect, we believe that our fellow neighbor Huston Thompson would have got more votes for president at Houston if he hadn’t dropped the “Sam” off of his name and also the “‘o” in Houston, which is offensive to the Solid South. ***This is a bad year for butcher boys delivering goods after hours. T. H. Ferril. St. Paul Severat of the hot-blooded young sports hereabouts are all out of breath from training their pet turtles for the big tortoise race at the State Wild Life Con- ference at Belle Lake. ***Wedding bells are to peal soon for Bernard Hilton, son of Cliff Hilton, our popular Associate Justice of the State Supreme Court. Bernie picked an out- of-town girl, the same being Miss Wini- fred Lockwood, of Stamford, Conn. ***Carl Herbert dropped in the other day to pay up his subscription and inform

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20 XL 6 Ff & us that crops in his vicinity are very etaoinshrdlu-etaoin. ***At the current writing the home town polo team has been outplaying its hated Mill City rivals in nearly every chukker. C. H. Seims, E. W. Berg, L. D. Berry, Jack Allen and Tom Collins have been doing most of the playing. Lucien Parlin. Boston Loca Democrats are now kicking be- cause Al Smith plates are not standard equipment on Chevrolets, Buicks and Cadillacs. ***Mr. and Mrs. George E. Harrington of Willimantic, Conn., were recent visitors to town. At a sociable attended by several Annapolis midshipmen, George was asked if he knew “Anchors Aweigh.” George replied, “Do I know Angus Who?” A jolly time was had by all, after that. ***There’s a $5 fine for spitting on our sidewalks, but the nullificationists seem to be holding sway. uw Harold F. Wheeler, managing editor of the Traveler, is spending a vacation at Banff, Vancouver, and other points wet. ***The steamship “Leviathan” recently ran up to our South Boston drydock to have the barnacles scraped off her hull. Boston is the beauty parlor for the queens of the sea. ***An admirer recently presented your correspondent with a bottle of toilet water containing oil of juniper, glycerine and other ingredients. ***The G. O. P. opponents for the Governorship are Frank Allen and Frank Goodwin. We know you'll get it, Frank. ***Whooping cough is rather prevalent hereabouts and many kids are making whoopee. Neal O’Hara. Philadelphia Mr. Bit TILpen, po member of our younger set, has been absent from his home in Germantown. Rumor hath it Bill has been in France doing some literary work, which, ye scribe is in- formed, was readily accepted by certain discriminating editors, and attracted a veritable furore of attention. ***Our city fathers and the Philadelphia Rapid Transit Company have come to terms over the operation of the new Broad Street subway, which is a marvel of modern engineering. Now if they'll only start the trains to running, ye strap- hangers will be grateful. ***Many are planning to go to Morris River Cove September 1, that being the first day of our oyster season, albeit the last day of the season for many a hapless oyster. ***The town is growing by leaps and bounds, the new Fidelity-Philadelphia Trust Building, which graces Broad Street at Walnut, being now open for business. This handsome edifice is thirty stories high, as many a stiff neck will attest. Visitors just can’t get used to our progress. Keep up the good work, Fid.- Phif, is our wish. John Forbes. Detroit Jerr Wess, our genial impresario, was transacting important business at the golf- ball store Monday. ***Natural gas was struck at our neighboring village of Plymouth last week. We are informed that Gerrit Diekema and Horatio Abbott, the rival state chairmen, are going there soon to see whether it is Republican or Demo- cratic. ***Johnny Risko and Johnny Squires, said to be pugilists, embraced each other lovingly for a half hour or so at Navin Field recently. Two spectators got into a fight but the Johnnys parted them and there was no blood spilled. um Prof. Fred N. Scott, who taught everybody “unity, coherence and em- phasis” at the U. of M., is vacationing in Colorado and proving again that he can write more words on a postcard than any other man of his age and weight. ***Everyone will be pleased to know our neighbor, Eugene Gregory, has secured a patent on his finger-tip pencil at Wash- ington, D. C. Gene has worked hard for this success and deserves every bit of it. ***T he banks here announce that the new paper money “will reach the public gradually,” but as some of those out of work hope, not too darned gradually. Elmer C. Adams. Chicago Amonc those who are fortnighting with us at present is Jackie Coogan, who, it is said, has brought up one of the most well-to-do fathers in Hollywood. #* Sunburn lotion is still a popular seller at the drug store. ***Lydia E. Pinkham has had her picture in the paper several times recently ———— ee but at this writing we have been unahk to ascertain whom she is visiting. ***Practically everybody who is anybod is out of town these days, ye ed being : home as usual. ***A horse and buggy was seen drivyj down Ashland Ave. near 47th St. last wk We did not ascertain the driver’s name but it was probably just some publicity hound trying to break into NeIcHBorsoop News so we will not even mention the incident here. Asia Kagowan Spokane THE Roaps west of here are in good shape now, and a person can drive to Seattle in comfort if he can think of any good reason for doing so. ***Tom Grifith has moved his office to the Interstate Fair grounds, which, he says, are bigger and better than ever before. Tom is still trying to find the fiend in human form who prayed for rain during the fair last year, and got a cloudburst. ® Send in your original and obituary poetry. We charge only the regular advt. rates for printing same. ***Dr. Clarence Veasey, Jr., is building a spacious house for self and wife, and Win Chandler, who is quite a wag, says it should ought to be named Tonsil Towers. ***Friends of Henry Hart, our efficient high school principal and unreconstructed Democrat, are telling it on him that he is going to have the life of Al Smith taught at Lewis and Clark High this fall, instead of the life of Geo. Washing- ton. How about this, Henry? ***The new traffic rules are working as well as any traffic rules work, we guess. Stoddard King. Newport Amonc the many entering into th carnival spirit of the fancy dress ball at the Clambake Club was Mrs. Cleo O’Donnell who went as a character from “Three Weeks,” carrying a stuffed leopard and Larry Tower as a Swami. ***Our popular telephone operator May: belle Hitt, who was crowned “Miss New port Beach” by last year’s Atlantic City queen of beauty, has become Mrs. Woyet. Never mind, Maybelle, you will always be a Hitt just the same! ***Johnny West who was among thos on board the “Nina” which won th Queen Isabella Cup in the recent Oceat

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ficient ructed rat he Smith n this shing- ing as 1€SS. “Jun—ior!” Race to Santander, Spain, writes home to his folks that when the Queen and her husband, the King, came on board the “Nina” they acted just like any other married couple. **The new social register, which is a pleasing looking volume of red with the Old Stone Mill on the cover, is having a considerable sale among those with their names in it, who are legion. Even folks in Jamestown and Narragansett Pier are included way over in the back. ***The girls of the summer colony have now started leaving off their stockings as well as almost everything else except their lipstick. ***It costs nothing to get your name here and is well worth it.—Adovt. Lloyd Mayer. New York Art Train is up at Bar Harbor in ye old Pine Tree state. ***Anthony Adams of near Lyons Plains, Conn., is going in for pedestrianism. "*The only cinch election bet we know is that our next Gov. won’t be an im- provement on A. E. Smith. "Tex Rickard of here says the radio hurts fight attendance, so he is against broadcasting. We are no radio fan either. The best thing about the radio, say we, is Agnes Smith’s remarks in re same. ***Henry Canby and. Henry Noble Nudteedken are at their place at Yelping Hill, Conn. A visitor who thought the place was named on account of the noise the children made in the daytime says at night it ought to be called Sleepy Holler. «* William Lindsey White is running the Emporia Gazette in his father’s ab- “Oh, I know gentlemen prefer blondes, but I'd rather get married.” sence, and he runs it pretty much in his presence, too. ***It is almost impossible to open a win- dow on the New Haven road’s smokers, especially on the 7:54 from Bridgeport. “It takes a pair of jacks to open,” was the comment of Henry Souvaine, the First Wit of Southport, early last Mon- day a. M. ***The town is filling up with out-of- town buyers and our bonifaces report business as good. ***We are opposed to having a world’s fair here in 1932, though meaning no dis- respect to the Father of His Country. But if we had a fair it would close up some more streets during construction and tear up others and things are bad enough that way already. F. P. A. CHOOSY “T THoucHT sure Jim would marry one of the twins.” “No, he said if he couldn’t have an exclusive model he wouldn’t have any.” A nicut club waiter once added up a column of figures and got a sum that was less than the correct total. He was computing his golf score.

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VPA THE SILENT “The Mysterious Lady” In practically all the pictures assigned to the exquisite Greta Garbo, she has been so inexcusably wicked that she could expi- ate her numerous errors only in death; at the final fade-out of each film, she had to disappear through a hole in the ice, or cast herself before the Warsaw-Bronx Express, by way of reminding the Girl Scouts of America just what the wages of sin is. In “The Mysterious Lady,” however, she is allowed to live, and even to find happiness—and if anyone ever deserved life and pleasure, and plenty of them, that same individual is none other than Greta Garbo. She is the dream princess of eternity—the knockout of the ages. Miss Garso’s réle in “The Mysterious Lady” is not exactly what you would call a virtuous one. She is a Russian spy, and you know what sacrifices must be made by beautiful spies when they are com- pelled, in the line of duty, to get those papers. Miss Garbo does it all, and does it gorgeously, and for once in her none too even career she is supported by an excel- lent cast (including Conrad Nagel and Gustav von Seyffertitz), and directed with imagination and sense by Fred Niblo. I recommend “The Mysterious Lady” highly, even to those who don’t feel about Greta Garbo quite as I do. “The Perfect Crime” Arter the melodrama, “The Perfect Crime,” had been completed as a good old-fashioned silent film, someone had to go and invent a device known as “the talking picture.” So the producers of “The Perfect Crime” decided it was in- cumbent to add to their negative an accompaniment of dialogue and noise. They have done so, and furthermore, Stupw EvecrriciANn: Hey, boys, would you mind shifting the light over here for a moment? I iost my pliers. would you believe it, they have done so extremely well. While there are certain moments in “The Perfect Crime” wherein the sight and sound don’t pull together in complete harmony, the effect of an inter. esting melodrama is heightened consider. ably by the added appeal to the ear, As played by Clive Brook, as cop. structed by William Le Baron, and a; directed by Bert Glennon, “The Perfect Crime” is the best experiment with talk. ing pictures that has been made to date, INcIDENTALLY, “The Perfect Crime” does not make use of the old established Vita. phone or Movietone, but employs a new contrivance known as the Photophone, which is backed by the Radio Corporation of America, the General Electric, and various other imposing concerns. The entrance of these enormous indus. trial corporations into the movie business is cause, be it said, for considerable dis. cussion—but not in this limited space. “Lilac Time” Tue ract that this department is violently prejudiced is proved by any review I may write of a Greta Garbo picture (I used to be just as bad about Jackie Coogan); it is also proved, I regret to say, by any review | may write of a Colleen Moore picture. I know that Miss Moore is the most popular, or almost the most popular, of all the screen heroines. I have read columns and columns of journalistic tributes to her wistful charm, her capri- cious humor, and her disarming whole- someness. I have even gone so far as to make a determined effort to discern these qualities on my own account—and I have always ended up with the thought that, probably, /’m wrong. So I won’t say much of anything about “Lilac Time,” a charming play which has been converted into an obvious and none too thrilling rehash of all the previous epics of the Great War. Miss Moore is in it, and she performs all the tricks that have made her famous and beloved. In one scene in “Lilac Time,” Miss Moore (as a fresh little French girl) climbs into her lover’s plane on a flying field behind the British lines. While fiddling with the controls, she starts the plane racing about the field, with the handsome boys of the Royal Air Force chasing madly after it In the course of this hilarious comedy scene, Miss Moore inadvertently gets her hands on the machine guns, and starts squirting bullets at her surprised pursuers Now I am perfectly free to admit mj

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ently may *d to 1); it any foore most r, of read listic -apri- hole- as to these have that, about h has none ‘VIOUS is in » Ff & Jinxs: My wife played bridge last night. Binks: Sorry, old man, I haven’t got a cent. prejudice in this and all other matters, and to confess that my judgment is warped and therefore unreliable in the case of Colleen Moore. But there is one thing I shall never admit—viz., that a machine gun can ever be funny. R. E. Sherwood. Recent Developments, a _ confidential guide to current moving pictures, will be found on page 26. Correction Americans, I’ve heard it said, Think only of the dollars; While Chinamen go in, instead, For being weighty scholars. This fallacy is too immense! It isn’t even funny. Americans have all the cents, And Chinks the yen for money. Carroll Carroll. Herb and Al Hoover: Congratulations, Al. I thought for a while I wasn’t going to have such a worthy opponent against me. SmitH: Same to you, Herb. I don’t know of anybody I'd rather be up against than yourself. We'll have a clean, mudless campaign. Hoover: We certainly will! But, by the way, Al, I can’t help wishing you’d put a muzzle on this man Reed. He’s always calling me Sir ’Erbert "Oover. SmitH: Now listen, Herb—I’m not responsible for what Jim Reed says. In fact, I regret that he is taking the cam- paign down off a high plane. And while I think of it, what about this guy William Allen White? He’s changed his mind enough times to be a woman, and he GRANDMOTHER: And what are you thinking about now, my dear? GranppaucHTer: I was just wondering—how long it’s been—since grandmothers were allowed—to smoke. “Oh, Henry! I don’t think I wanna go down!” doesn’t believe in forgetting the past either! He’ll bear watching. Hoover: White’s statements are abso- lutely unofficial, Al. If he wants to get nasty, I can’t stop him. We can’t always control what your supporters say—you know that, Al. SmitH: Sure, Herb. It’s all right with me as long as you and I don’t get into any arguments. Hoover: An argument between us two? Why, that would be impossible. You and I| agree on everything. don’t we? SmitH: We certainly do. In fact, Herb, I thought for a while you were going to be a Democrat. Hoover: No, Al—I decided I'd rather be President. Hugh Layne. REVERSIBLE “But don’t these billboards you're putting up obscure the view of the forest?” “They would, but you see, we're cut- ting down the forests to make more bill- boards.” SIREN STUFF Mrs. Brown: So your husband was lost at sea? Mrs. Green: Yes, a bathing beauty got him.

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L FE “Henry, that makes me think; we must get a new floor lamp in Paris.” PAGING EMILY Ar the large débutante parties of today, one of the most embarrassing questions of social precedence is who shall pass out first. The Modern Vamp According to Popular Songs Sue’s a scandalous vamp—a love makin’ champ—-Oh, what that baby can do..... She’s the most heartbreakin’est, shimmy shakin’est that the world ever knew. ....She’s a gal that’s nobody’s fool, got a kiss like the kick of a mule.....It’s a new kind of kiss, full of bliss, couldn’t miss—with a new kind of hug like a bug in a rug.....She’s a new kind of gir! with a new kind of love—just see—a new kind of this and a new kind of that —oh, gee—when you kiss her she cries for more, and she sure knows what she’s cryin’ for.....Though leather is tough her heart is tougher—she’s the kind of a gal likes to see men suffer—to tease ’em, to thrill ’em, to torture, to kill ’em, is her delight, they say—someone saw her at the seashore with a great big pan, there she was a-pourin’ water on a drowning man. ....She’s a knockout, she’s regal, her beauty’s illegal—a look at this vision will cause a collision.....She’s got the kind of lovin’ that holds ’em—big black eyes and she rolls *em—hot lips, that are pips, and no more conscience than a snake has hips... ..She’s got a pretty form and she shows it—she’s sure some gal and she knows it—what pep—does she step?— Joz Humpuries ANNOUNCES A CHAMPION’S ENGAGEMENT that’s what she don’t do nothin’ else excep’.....And when she struts her feathers and plumes, the porters drop their mops and their brooms—why, old man Jones, who is crippled and bent, just sold his crutches to pay her rent... . . She's never tired, never shot, never cold, always hot—why, she knows more than you've forgot.....She’s just that — red-hot mamma of mi-hine, I said of mine. Vincent Clark Odell. Not Exactly Guilty I met a guy in Athens, Greece, Another in Taormina, The first one knew my cousin’s niece, The second knew Aunt Lena; I met a chap atop the Alps Who'd worked for Uncle Saul They all thought it killing and started in shrilling, “The world’s a small place after all!” My great-aunt’s stepson’s college chum I met in Guatemala; In Spain I met a sap named Blum I’d known in Walla Walla; I met a chap on London Bridge Who told me in a drawl, “Believe it or no, sir, my brother’s your grocer— The world’s a small place after all!” I’m wanted for assault in Greece (You ought to see my billing!); I’m fleeing, too, the Swiss police, This time I’m sought for killing. I'll bet that if I’m caught in Spain, Or nabbed along Pall Mall, The cop will say, “Matey, I know Aunt Katie— The world’s a small place after all!” Howard S. Benedict. your First Night “I NEVER miss an opening performance.” “Nor I. The first night is always the best.” “Sure! It’s the only time the stars do their best because they know all the critics |are out front.” “Yes—and they say that a great actor only creates a great part once, and aiter that he only goes through the motions.” “Yeah—the first night is the only time you really get your money’s worth.” “You’re right. What did your seat set you back?” “Oh, I’m a friend of the guy who's press-agenting this show. I got in on 4 pass.” “So did I.” H.

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our 1th L i "Lares Camps for Needy Children IT’S A GOOD STORY— Don’t believe those people who tell you that New York is a gorgeous summer resort. They are speaking from the depths of cool porcelain bathtubs, or from the airy roof gardens that top the big hotels and clubs, or they are just enjoying the sound of their own voices as they recline in luxury, imbibing long iced drinks before motoring down to the shore or up along the river for dinner at some restful inn. It’s a good story—but it isn’t true, except to the lucky rich. If you were to tell some little tenement girl to stop fretting about the heat and to remember that New York is a mighty fine summer resort, she would lift her tiny white face and look at you with stricken eyes and she would say in her desolate, childish heart that you were mocking her unhappiness. New York is no summer resort for the children of the dums. It is the city of dreadful nights and of dreadful days, and as heat wave after heat wave tortures and weakens these children, their need becomes a cry that we cannot deaden our ears to. We can’t, any of us, simply say, “My, my, that’s too bad. Poor little things. Heaven pity them.”’ We must do something. And that something is very simple—beautifully simple. If we have hearts at all, we must help send some of these needy and wilted youngsters to the country. We must give them cool breezes, fresh and nourishing food; we must let them sleep out-of-doors and play in the woods and swim in the brook and the pool, and grow strong and rested and happy. They must have some sort of even break with circumstance, if only for a few days. ‘.. Lire maintains two splendid Camps in the country—one for boys at Pottersville, N. J., and one for girls at Branchville, Connecticut. To these two Camps come the little denizens of the heartbreak streets—as many as we can take—and we only wish we could take more. Twenty ($20) dollars keeps one child at either of the Camps for eighteen miraculous days. We beg of you to send us that sum just as quickly as you can. Midsummer heat in the slums so scourges these helpless little ones, that we long to take your twenty dollars, or your hundred dollars, or your one dollar (which will help a lot), and rush down to some dark, sweltering alley, snatch up in Our arms some wretched little creature and say: “See what someone sent you, Sonny! Stop crying! There— see! It isn’t so impossible to smile, is it? Not when there’s someone you've never seen who wants you to go to the country to have a marvelous time and to be made plump and joyous!” We want to say something like that to some youngster in your name Wouldn't you like us to? Wouldn’t it make you feel content? Please let us hear from you about this right away. All checks should be made payable to Lire’s FresH Arr Funp, and sent to 598 Madison Avenue, New York. Previously acknowledged in Memory of M. L. M i es Joyes and Danny vat Lemplin, Chicago Mikey Kahn, W ~ C. B. Clark, N (Continued on page 27) eAnd that’s...» a Holiday! | HY not take a real holi- day for once in a way? You can see the most wonderful scenery in the world on the St. Lawrence and Saguenay Rivers— shoot the Rapids — play tennis — go boating and swimming — fish for big ‘uns that fight — golf at Murray Bay on superb links — ride and tramp — or simply do nothing at all. How does that appeal to you? Don’t go somewhere and then find that the tennis is not so good or the golf indifferent. Take a Canadian holiday where everything is really good, and the trip and hotels are the last word in luxury. Get the full information right away. CANADA STEAMSHIP LINES J. C. Randall, 535 Fifth Ave., New York, N. Y. Murray Hill 3866 715 Victoria Square, Montreal

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jt F € ATTRACTIOGANS r} CONFIDENTIAL GUIDE Drama More or Less Serious Coquette. Maxine Elliott's—If you haven't yet seen this performance of Helen Hayes’ you had het- ter hurry. The show will be moving on soon. Diamond Lil. Royale—A melodrama of New York low-life in the ‘nineties, dragged along to suc- cess by Miss Mae West. Elmer Gantry. Playhouse—To be reviewed next week. Guns. Wallack's—Reviewed in this issue. The Ladder. Cort—Who cares? Porgy. Republic—Last weeks of a Negro produc- tion which was one of the best of the past season. The Silent House. Shubert—Al! kinds of things to frighten you, some of which may. Strange Interlude. John Golden—O'Neill’s tour de force which presents one or two fine hours out of ve. The Trial of Mary Dugan. Sam H. Harris—One of the regiment of companies now at work giving this excellent melodrama to the country. Comedy and Things Like That The Bachelor Father. Belasco—Harmlessly jocose treatment of the problem of illegitimacy, with a cast headed by June Walker, C. Aubrey Smith and Geof- frey Kerr. The Big Pond. The Front Page. next week. He Understood Women. viewed later. Relations. Masque—To be reviewed later. The Royal Family. Selwyn—They have got to be awfully good to push this comedy out of first place, held since last season. Skidding. Bayes—One events in dramatic history. _The Song Writer. Forty-Eighth St—To be re- viewed next week. Volpone. Guild—It will seem good to have the Theatre Guild beginning its new season in a month or so. Bijou—To be reviewed later. Times Square—To be reviewed Belmont—To be re- of the less important Eye and Ear Entertainment Black Birds of 1928. Liberty—The best Ne show we have ever seen—and that includes “‘Shuffle Along.” AConnecticut Yankee. Vanderbili—William Gax- ton as the Mark Twain hero with a modern line of gags. The Rodgers score » still pleasant to the ear in spite of its popularity. Good News. Forty-Sixth St.—Collegiate kidding in between whirlwind dancing. Grand Street Follies. Booth but long on talent. Present Arms. Mansfield—Another of the Hart- Rodgers-Field opera, this time involving the marines in songs and dancing, headed by Charles King and Joyce Barbour. Rain or Shine. ics—Joe Cook. Rosalie. New Amsterdam—One of the Ziegfeld trilogy, fortunate in having Jack Donahue for clown- ing and a West Point uniform small enough for Mari- lyn Miller. Scandals of 1928. Apollo—One of Mr. White's best, with a big cast of big names such as Harry Rich- man, Frances Williams, the Howards, Tom Patricola and Ann Pennington. Show-Boat. Ziecfeld—Mr. Ziegfeld will have to Short on follies, Cohan—With that Prince of Com- spend a lot of money this season to top thisone. You probably know by now that the cast includes Charles | Winninger, Helen Morgan, Puck and White and Norma Terris. The Three Musketeers. Lyric—Dennis King as the fresh hero of Dumas, with plenty of good romantic musical comedy stuff. _ Vanities of 1988. Earl Carroll—Reviewed in this issue. Robert Benchley. Silent Drama Recent Developments White Shadows in the South Seas. Metro-Gold- wyn—Beautiful and truthful pictures of native life in the South Seas, with an admixture of Hollywood melodrama, enacted (and effectively) by Monte Blue and Raquel Torres. Much of the film is spoiled by foolish attempts at sound synchronization. Lost in the Arctic. Fox—The graphic record of an expedition into the Arctic, which also is hampered by the addition of artificial noise. Beau Broadway. Metro-Goldwyn—Lew Cody asa broad hunter from Broadway who inherits the cus- tody of a sweet young girl (Sue Carol). It isn't much, one way or another. Warming Up. Paramount—Another phony “sound” picture, in which Richard Dix helps the Yankees to win the World Series. Forbidden Hours. Metro-Goldwyn—An attempt to follow up “The Student Prince” by showing what Ramén Novarro did after he became king—and a very sad attempt, at that. Lights of New York. Warner Bros.—If you want to see what a real talking picture is like, here's your chance. It’s extremely ham, but it’s well worth see- ing and hearing. Telling the World. Metro-Goldwyn—William Haines has been given every opportunity to become stale, but for some reason he continues to seem fresh. The Lion and the Mouse. Warner Bros.—This one is -“_ partially talking, but the speeches in it that are delivered by Lionel Barrymore seal the doom of the silent drama. Wheel of Chance. First National—A really fine performance by Richard Barthelmess in one of two réles, with a good story to back him up. The Cossacks. Metro-Goldwyn—John Gilvert does not appear to best advantage in this Russian cowboy melodrama. The Street of Sin. Paramount— Most people con- sider this stupid, but I found it intensely interesting, especially as played by Emil Jannings and others. Laugh, Clown, Laugh. Metro-Goldwyn— What the world needs most is a clown with a cast-iron, non-breakable heart. Fazil. Fox—Charles Farrell as a Sheik, and Greta Nissen as a blonde who, in a moment of weakness, marries him. Just plain silly. The Drag Net. Paramount—A sturdy crook melo- drama, produced along the same lines as “Under world,” and by the same people. Ramona. United Artists—Beautiful but dull. Hit of the Show. F. B. 0.—Joe E. Brown is excel- -_ in a trite story about a comedian who gives his all. The Actress. Metro-Goldwyn—A sweet, sentimen- tal and pleasantly old-fashioned comedy, with Norma Shearer and some pretty costumes. The Trail of 98. Afetro-Goldwyn—Almost an epic. Uncle Tom’s Cabin. Universal—There is still con- siderable doubt as to Eliza's ability to cross that ice. The Racket, Paramount; Tempe-t, United Artists ; The Man Who Laughs, Universal; The End of St. Petersburg, Hammerstein; Sunrise, Fox, and Wings, Paramount—yY ou should see all of these. Lilac Time, First National, The Perfect Crime, F. B. O., and The Mysterious Lady, Metro-Goldwyn— Reviewed on page 22 of this issue. R. E. Sherwood. Reading Matters Fact Adventures of an African Slaver. Edited by Mal. colm Cowley. Albert & Charles Boni—Theodore Canot, Slaver, recounts his adventures as a trader in black ivory. Illustrated with peculiarly African drawings by that talented Mexican, Miguel Covas. rubias. ? The Intelligent Woman’s Guide to Socialism and Capitalism. By George Bernard Shaw. Brentano’s—. We wish the publishers would send us another copy, as ours has disappeared, and it is not a good book to be without. Fiction Diversey. By MacKinlay Kantor. Coward-Mz Cann—The story of a small-town reporter who seeks his fortune in Chicago, and becomes embroiled ing gang war, and a love affair, is vigorous and realistic in the manner of Dos Passos and Riesenberg, but somehow fails to do for Chicago what ‘‘Manhattan — and “East Side, West Side” did for New ork. Phoinix. By Alan Sims. Little, Brown—A strange, charming narrative of those glorious days before the war (the Trojan War) when gods and mortals were more intimate with one another. Show Girl. By J. P. McEvoy. Simon & Schuster— This tabloid tale of the Main Stem is to be a musical show, a movie, and, for all we know, a song on the radio; but nowhere will it have the raucous exuber- ance and cheerful satice which make it so perfectly swell as a book. Swan Song. By John Galsworthy. Scribner's— The sudden passing of Soames marks the end of the Forsytes. What will England do without them? Jerome; or, The Latitude of Love. By Maurice Bedel. Viking—The investigations of a young Frenchman in Norway into the effect of temperature on sex make racy, amusing reading. Twelve Men. By Theodore Dreiser. Modern Library—Some excellent characterization makes these short sketches ideal for odd-moment reading. A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man. By James Joyce. Modern Library—Another repmnt worth carrying around. The Modern Library edi- tions fit the pocket nicely, though they do smell little this hot weather. And Also The Battle of the Horizons. By Sylvia Thompson. The Window. By Alice Grant Rosman.... of the Impossible. By Coningsby Dawson..... Cities. y Joseph Hergesheimer..... Houdini: His Life Story. By Harold Kellock.....Sunset Gun By Doroth Parker.....But Gentlemen Marry Brunettes. By Anita Loos... ..The Virgin Queene. By Harford Powel, Jr... ..Bad Girl, By Vifia Delmar. Perry Githens. Song and Dance Sheet Music Jeannine, I Dream of Lilac Time—Another of the series of cinematic theme songs. L. Wolfe Gilbert, the lyrist of “Ramona,” contrived this sympatheti waltz ballad for Colleen Moore's “Lilac Time. My Angel—Yclept “Angela Mia,” still anothers timental picture theme ballad, this by Erno | and Lew Pollack, who fashioned “Diane” and maine,” those ultra-lucrative royalty gals who (Continued on page 31)

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LiFe Lire’s Fresh Air Fund (Continued from page 25) Alice L. Hilliard, Saranac Lake A. J. Everest, Monrovia, Mrs. Elizabeth M. Burrowes, Angeles Anon., Los Angeles In Sener of Frank Walker Mr. and Mrs. C. H. Hecker, Detroit. . Anonymous Ds M. Bernhard, San Francisco.... Miss Sarah King, New York Edward K. Dun 7 New York.. T. A. Crellin, Oakland, €al Mr. and Mrs. C. H. Belknap, Sacra- mento, Cal. C. G., Spokane Mrs. Dwight B. Heard, Phoenix, Ariz. Miss H. M., Cleveland, O Jno. U. Calkins, Berkeley, Cal In Memory of Hugh Howard S. Worrell, Pocono Lake Pre- serve, Pa. Mrs. W. S. Kellogg, Waterbury, Conn. Mrs. A. F. Williams, Nanuet, N. Y.. In Memory of Thomas A. Witherspoon Anne Allen H. Ratterree, Los Angeles Miss Rosemary Smart, proceeds of an entertainment given by some little girls of Worcester, Mass R. B, Canfield, Santa Barbara , Mrs. J. F. Hartz, Harbor Beach, Mich. Henry Duffy, San Louise P. Burling, Washington, D. C. Federal Paper oard, Inc., Bogota, See wes: S33S 8888 ss TR #Bsse 3 N. J. Dorothy Joline, additional r D. Osborn, Montclair WwW. J . Sutton, Chicago , . rs. H. W. Thompson, Provi- en . ’ S ce, R. I . Miss Isabelle M. Craig, New York.... Vernon C. Brown, New York en WaS VOUTL? | Mrs. Wm: E. Hinsdale, Meriden, Conn. Samuel H. Ordway, New York Clark Williams, New York watch-chain new? Miram B, Feiner, Los Angeles .. Richmond, Ind x Ind... . WATCH-CHAINS change as much as | fides C Rede” Boston nh ht club a ae Maxwell, Cannon Beach, watches in design. If the chain you are wearing now was bought ‘ » | Mr. & Mrs. Talcott M.. Banks, Williams- several years ago, it prebably is | “town, Mass... ss: 2 -terpoarsen for out-of-date and old-fashioned | WW. W. Rose, Lynn, Mass ; Anonymous ° ° . e looking. . . . A new chain costs L. T.C., Englewood. No J... 3... tire smo ers very little. Why not get one today? | (arc) R. Dudley, Camden, Me... _ ;. . . W. H. French, n Francisco . Simmons Chains offer a range | Saidee R. Sandford, Plainfield, N. of choice that appeals to men of or. ee F. Buhler, Garden diy, Tuis is a night club for tired smokers, all ages, in every walk of life. | Mrs. CR. Elis, Bristol, : who smoke hard all day. The only re- They are priced from $4 to $15. ct wan © pasever, Hi. B.. quirements are a tooth-brush, a tube of H Squibb’s Dental Cream, and you. Just Made of seamless gold-filled wire, go through the usual formula for brush- manufactured under our own ing your teeth—except—use Squibb’s. tO VA VUMUnNo A. a Kenneth S. Gaston, Westfield, N. J.. patents in our own factory, they may 7. in — green |{, M8 ‘30 | Notice the difference. Feel how all the or white gold. . . « e chain Mrs. E. D. Berryman, E. Orange, N. J. j mu aftertaste of smokin ives u shown here is a Waldemar, No. | iis" Ruth Wilson, Watsonville, Cal. 20. of the fresh cleanliness of Squibbs. 29770. Price, $9.75. Ask your Mrs. Walter P. Stevens, Scranton, Pa. : . jeweler to show you his assort- | jis; k. A, Bruna, Bufale “. Y. Squibb’s Dental Cream is the smoker's : Chas. A. Carroll, Los Angeles ; ji i lly. ste ment. R. F, Simmons Company, | (5, A, Carroll, Tos Angeles . friendliest ally. It livens your taste, Attleboro, Mass. N. J, Howley, ‘Rutland, we :00| sweetens the breath, brings you protec- Attach to the end of your chain a Friend, So. Byfield, (a aa . tion at The Danger Line, soothes, too, immons Key Holder—convenient for Rosalie Smith, Williamstown, Mass... . 4 if there's a bit of irritation. Start the house and auto key. Illustrated above. i. 7 tor, San Antonio, Tex. . b all, Bennington, Vt... . J ; : ‘hh* M. W. Callaway, New York ‘001 morning with Squibb’s Dental Cream. Mrs. Erasmus Lindley, Tuxedo, N. Y. .00| Wind up your smoking day the same way. Arthur J. Conner, Exeter, N. H ' Miss E. C. Watkins, New Bedford, 4oc at all druggists. ass. . Alice P. Smith, Elmira, N. Y ‘ Copyright 1928 by E. R. Squibb & Sons C. D. Anthony, Greenwich, Conn ; Philip C. Rider, New York = .. Mrs. Hiram T. Cleaver, Los ‘UARD THI ngeles : Mrs. Robert Killgore, Windsor, N. Y. F. A. Knight, Long Beach, Cal Mr. & Mrs. R. p. Holliday, Santa Monica. Cal ’ _— ie Plainfield, N. J..... non., Cambridge, Mrs. R. A. Patterson, New Castle, Pa. Mrs. W. B. Sterling, Erie, Pa..... Gap In Memory of E. B M. H. Lynch, (Continued on page 30) 3338338 DANGER

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“Begging on the streets again! Didn't 1 tell you you'd do better to go to a school?’’ Yes, sir; I went, but they wouldn't give me nothing.”’ —Excersior (Mexico City). “‘What are you doing reducing exercises for? You’re not fat.’’ “‘No, but my boy has bought a baby model car.”’ —Everysopy’s WEEKLY (Lonpon). WHEN IS AN AMATEUR? First ATHLETE: Are you an amateur or a pro- fessional? Seconp Dirro: That is what I would like to know.—St. Louis Post-Dispatch. outdoor advertising “Man with elephant for work.”—The World. Our ideal outdoor advertising man is a man with restraint, riot clephants.—New Yorker. CONVALESCENT Our little Doris, after a month's illness, seems to be getting a little better. In a typical mo- ment yesterday she called us twelve cents’ worth of bad names, at four cents a name, threw a glass of water at her sister, played the reed organ with a hammer and climbed under a bed to make faces at her mother. ‘Just what do you think you are?’’ we asked. ‘I’m a skunk,”’ she announced with an air of pride.—Chicago Evening Post. Bernarp: But why won't you marry me? Is there someone else? Betty: Well—er—I hope so.—Answers. / ’ vi ‘‘Hey—instead of throwing my hat to the toréador, you might throw him your own!” “'Impossible—mine's a new one.” —L’Icvusrration (Paris). THE DIALECTICIAN AND THE TALKIE A myrHicaL story of a movie ‘‘supervisor’’ op a talking picture is that, while looking at and listening to the rushes, he exclaimed: “*Retake on that!’’ *‘Why?’’ said the director. ‘‘There’s nothing wrong there.”’ “Yes, there is,’’ replied the super. ‘‘I couldn't hear the final ‘k’ in ‘swimming.’ '’—Variety, “‘That’s Mrs. Warrior’s third husband, isn’t i?” “Yes. She’s two down and one to go.” —SportinG AND Dramatic News (Lonpon), THE INSTALLMENT AGE ‘Josep, if your father could save a dollar a week for four weeks, what would he then have?"’ “A phonograph, a new suit, a refrigerator and a set of furniture.’’—Country Gentleman The Poor Working Man ‘There, sir, you see it ain’t just vacation hime for everybody.” —Le Perit Brev (Paris). WELL! WELL! THERE was once a wealthy business man who was wooed and won by a chorus girl. But the eve of the wedding he told her that he had lort riost of his money on the Stock Exchange. “There is just enough left,”’ he sighed, ‘‘to take a smzl) house in the suburbs—that is, if you stil want to marry me.”’ ‘“‘What does money matter,”’ said the chomts girl, ‘‘while we have each other?" So they got married. But on the day after the wedding she found Gut that he really had Idst his money. —Lindon Calling.

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llar a then r and 29 — SCOTCH STORIES ARE GOING OUT BUT— Tus particular Scot stepped into a telegraph ofice and picked up one of the blanks. He looked at the clerk behind the counter. “How much,” he asked, “‘is a telegram to Chicago?” “A wire to Chicago,’’ responded the clerk promptly, ‘will cost you five cents a word for ten words. There will be no charge for the signature."’ The Scot looked musingly at the clerk. “There will be no charge for the signature?’’ he repeated after a pause. “That's right,’’ said the clerk, The Scot rubbed his forehead with the pencil. “Well,” he finally stated, ‘‘suppose you just send my signature.”” The clerk grinned. “All right,"’ he cried, “I'll do that for you. What's your name?” Another pause on the part of the Scot. “Well,”’ he finally murmured, ‘‘I may not look it, but I'm an Indian. And my name is |-Won’t-Be-Home-Till-Friday!”’ —New York Daily News. SO SOON? “Carl Brandt returned from his honeymoon trip, leaving Mrs. Brandt at Niagara Falls, and reports he feels sappy.”—Circleville (Ohio) Herald. Certainty he does not sound like the ideal hus- band.—New Yorker. Tue Diver: Just my luck to meet them during business hours. —Lonpon CALLING. Mooern clothing, we are assured, is noth- ing if not sensible, and, it seems to us, even if it is sensible.-—St. Louis Post-Dispatch. YOU CAN’T KEEP A GOOD MAN DOWN In most of the success stories which I've read there is a catch. In the beginning the hero is a clerk receiving $8 a week and sleeping under the counter. Just how he managed to save money puzzles me, but the big surprise comes at the end of the first year when the ambitious lad pays $6,000 for the business and takes it over. Quite typical was the tale told to me by an operator in oil who is now just stiff with money. He told me of his trials with dry wells and how he sank his last available penny. ‘*But was I downhearted or discouraged?’’ he inquired. I observed mildly that in a similar situation I should have been decidedly depressed. “I wasn’t,’’ said the financial genius, ‘‘I gritted my teeth and borrowed fifty thousand from my brother."’ —Heywood Broun, in New York Evening Telegram. Tablespoon Abbott's Bitters, in sweetened water, after meals, is grea. ald to digestion. Sample Bitters by mail, 25 cts. in stamps. C. W. Abbott & Co., Balto., Md. AT THE SMOKE SHOP “‘Wuar kind of a pipe, ma’am?”’ “I want it for my husband. One of these nice pipes that drive away every care.”’ —Louisville Courier-Journal. Lirz_is published every Thursda: Patent Office. The text and illustrations in Lire are copyrighted. For Reprint Rights 'y to Lire, Rolls House, Breams Buildings, Fetter England. The foreign trade supplied from Luire’s London Office, Rolls House, Breams Buildings, London, E. C. No contributions will be returned unless accompanied by stamped and in Great Britain arg Lane, London, E. y, simultaneously in the United States, Great Britain, Canada and British Possessions. Title registered in U. S. addressed envelope. Lire does not hold itself responsible for the loss or non-return of unsolicited contributions. Notice of change of address should reach this office two weeks prior to the date of issue to be affected. All communications should be addressed to LIFE, 598 Madison Avenue, New York. Yearly Subscription Rate, $5.00 (Canadian, $5.80; Foreign, $6.60). wil YOU be a LIF E representative? of money. tell you how it is done, WRITE You need give only a few hours each week to the securing of new readers to earn a worth while sum One subscription representative in West- chester County, New York, earned $215.00 in commissions and bonus be- tween June 6th and June 30th. Let us LIFE, Subscription Department 598 Madison Ave., New York, N. Y. Clothes ESTABLISHED 1818 for Boys at School Send for Price List BOSTON PALM BEACH NEWPORT LITTLE BUILDING PLAZA BUILDING AUORAIN BUILDING con. Gorisvor Country Reas 220 Beucwee Avenve

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LiFe Lire’s Fresh Air Fund (Continued from page 27) Mrs. R. T. Bates, Detroit In Memory of Emmy W. W. Wilcox, Middletown, Conn.... Friend (New York) A. Teitlebaum, Memphis, Tenn Mrs. Rex Beach, New York H. L. Poser, So. Orange, N. J Mrs. Charles Day, Chestnut Hill, Mrs. Chas. E. Angle, Rochester, N. Y.. Clayton T. Chamberlin, Windsor, Conn, Estelle Lebowitz Werner, New York.. 4 W. DeFord Beal, Jr., and Louis Starr New York’s Newest Hotel Ch H il, , Mrs. A TS. ge Providence, Che Piccadilly Miss Eiizabeit Schneider, So. Orange, ; 227 West 45th — oe At B’way—New York Glander, New York. sina Adjacent to Every Ac- . Dearborn, New ¥ a Y tivity. 600 Bright Carelessness is now D. B, Dearborn, fr : oo See eens h D. y ° - the only excuse for Dr ered W> Morris Washington, N. : with Bath, Electric E. Senn, Ridgefield Park, N. J . Fan, Ice Water. . L. Steinmuller, New York 2 i Sn Cin. scopenaccesneccces ' Single Room and Bath $3.00 an ru The Mann Children. . eee ’ Double Room and Bath $4.50 Masgaret and Betsey Schadt, Springfield, Exceptional Restaurant Miss E. Walsh, New York _and Luncheonette There was a time when people were excused Mrs. D. S. Ingalls, Cleveland, O 250. Wire at our Expense for for having dandruff—but it is no longer In Memory of Dudley Fowler ; Reservations tolerated—so many have learned that it igs Levey Warner, Huntington Lake, F. D. SOFIELD, Mng. Dir can be relieved. Sergeant's for the Hair relieved dandruff easily. No mussy ointments or elaborate . ———— a pe = —_ hair — Ss. Ww. Van Saun, New York Y oes ergeant’s—and com our hair with it 3 i 1 hi . SAS 7 a ae . . Ceciny Wea tee” prniledelphia IMAGINATION EXERCISES Mary C. Prizer, E. Orange, N. , ricnalize: Mrs. Paul Jones, Whitman, Mass -00 Try to visualize: - Sandy, Jac and Nancy . H. L. Mencken editing Dew Drops. Mrs. Charles S. Ensign, Newton, Mass. 20. A bedroom farce by Edgar Guest Mrs. B. C,_Fincke, Fair Haven . ‘ i : Dr. Harry Rogers, Orange, N. : A poem by George Jean Nathan in Cupid's : —- Mrs. Robert Haskins, Richmond, Va.. r Diary. “Comb your hair with it’’ Vv. W. R ‘ A sonnet by Milt Gross in the Aflantic Monthly. For fifty years, Sergeant’s Mange Betty Le Willson, St. Paul, Minn. 20. Grover Cleveland Bergdoll editing War Stories, Medicine has proven an effective M. . A thriller by Dr. Harry Emerson Fosdick in treatment for dandruff, and other H. x — Brooklyn d y ; hair and scalp complaints. After John A. Churchman, Sedienspelie j True Confessions. many years of research, Sergeant’s Anon., Grand Rapids . A joke by Dr. Frank Crane in Paris Nights. chemists have refined this product G. F. Provost, Mansfield, La.......... . ; ps oo: eae. so that it retains all the therapeutic RL. Prichard, New York ; Harold Bell Wright editing Whiz Bang.... qualities of mange medicine, but Milton M. Nathan, New York r —Author & Journalist. none of the disadvantages. It comes Frances Meighan, Gt. Neck, L. to you with the sincere recommen- Dr. George W. Mackenzie, Philadelphia. dation of this 50 year old company. Isabel C. Scheide, Hartford, Conn. Mrs. | John C. Kirby, New Brighton, Also every week, apply Sergeant's to the scalp freely, and rub vigorously with the tips Betsey Chapin Gwathmey, New York.. of your fingers. This keeps the scalp in Mrs. James H. Ripley, Glen Head, L. I. good condition; lubricates the hair and hair Anon., Hollywood ' roots; releases natural oils; prevents hair yay — ond Pobere e*- - from becoming dry and brittle; gives it the elps, Del Loma, Cal ° ; : live, virile appearance that comes from Douglas L. Elliman, Y = . Df ical an ‘most en health. Mrs. Charles K. Boas, Harrisburg, Pa. ' he Je joyable way. og ag Bradford, Pa I ae - id Car rent $50. Mrs. H and J Miss Eleanor Duval, Scars- PNA a week. we Cz r Motor Map $1. A. J. Baxter, Mona T. Bonnyman, _ Ree Conn. Howard and Robert Whittemore, Nauga- / a ee aos tuck, “Comb your hair with it” Sue Edwards, La_ Jolla, Cal Sarah Jane Van Lear, Staunton, Va.. 4 No odor—no stain—no alcohol to dry the Theodore F. Tracy, San Francisco.... Y PARTOUT TOURING inc scalp. Will not overgrease the hair. The Mr. and Mrs. Fred H. Bixby, Long AUTO SERVICE ABROAD new convenient bottle fits your medicine Beach, Cal . S51 FIFTH AVE. NEW YORK CITY cabinet. Easy to use. Mrs. T. P. Peters, Brooklyn . —— : Mrs. Harry Keller, Bellefonte, Ask your dealer for Sergeant's for the Clement F. Birch, New Y Hair (7c). Keep the handy bottle where A. Beller, New York you can’t forget to use it. Mrs. Fr. Free trial bottle sent postpaid, anywhere, N. on request. Mrs. E, Palmer Gavit, Santa Barbara.. Wm. L. Culbert, New York Polk-Miller Products Corporation Anonymous . F 2304 Broad Street, Richmond, Va. Chas. L. McFarland, Berkeley, Cal... “Comb your hair with it” $20,293.77 Mothersill’s prevents exhaustion, 9 Lire’s Fres} Air Funp has been in opera- : a faint ? tion for the past forty-one years. In that time it Train — p — yay has expended $419,278.00 and has given a happy Train, Auto, Car or Air in Health holiday in the country to 51,000 poor city chil- and Comfort. 33 dren. 75c. & $1.50 at Drug Stores or direct Twenty dollars, approximately, pays for such The Mothersil! Remedy Co, Ltd. @ holiday for some poor child from the crowded, hot city. Won't you help? Contributions (which are acknowledged in Lire about four weeks after their receipt) should be made payable to Lirr’s Frese Arr Funp, and seiit to 598 Madison Avenue, New York,

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petit We Oe eed g:- s LEere en route to CALIFORNIA Go via the wonderful Panama Canal, engineering marvel of the world. See sparkling Havana, Caribbean Metropolis, en route, Cool breezes all the way. Reduced summer rates NOW. Fortnightly sailings. Largest, fastest ships. Ask for literature describing speeial round trips One. Way Water—One Way — eS New * fanama facifie fine MARINE Test your Ability If you like to draw, let your talent make your fortune. Opportunities in this field have never been better. Drawing is easy to learn the “Federal Home-Study Way.’’ rm from over fifty famous artists, The course includes illus- ating, cartooning, lettering, poster designing, window card illustrating, etc. Get on the “‘Road to Bigger Things.’? Complete the drawing above in pen or pencil. Write your name, age and address on the margin of the page. Tear it out and mail to us TODAY, 9368 Federal School Bldg., Minneapolis, Minn. BOW LEGS? Garren if T * N HET GARTER CO. Den Confidential Guide (Continued from page 26) in “Seventh Heaven” and “The Big Parade.” This one, in fox-trot tempo, is coupled with ‘‘The Street Angel” feature. Chalita—By Victor Schertzinger, the motion-pic- ture director who wrote “Marcheta”—for which he received $50 outright on a song that earned $150,000 for its publisher. On a more equitable roy- alty basis, Schertzinger should realize handsomely on this beautiful melody ballad. Gotta Big Date With a Little Girl—Breezy hot- weather ditty by the most prolific Tin Pan Alley fam- ily, the Tobias clan—Harry, Charles and Henry; the latter, twenty-year-old composer, is the youngest established songsmith extant. Imagination—Roger Wolfe Kahn, Otto’s son, who went from riches to rags, fashioned this for “Here's Howe!” and, like Gershwin’s “‘The Man I Love,” which was originally introduced in “Strike Up the Band,” this tune is a sturdy survivor of a flop show. A worthwhile fox-trot ballad. Records West End Blues and Fireworks—Louis Arm- strong’s Hot Five, a torrid jazzy quintet, wax low- down with negroid fox-trot compositions. (Okeh 41078.) Weary Weasel and San—Perennial jazz favorites by Abe Lyman’'s Sharps and Flats (Brunswick 3964) of the “hot” school of dansapation. Lyman, the Cal- ifornia jazz beau, now in “Good News” in Chicago, has blended the West Coast style of smooth syncopa- tion with the heated Chi tempo in a manner the jazz- hounds will acclaim. Paul Whiteman—tThis pioneering jazz exponent merits distinction above song titles at all times. On Columbia 1464-5 he has assembled the “Scandals” hits. “Pickin’ Cotton" and “American Tune” and “I'm On the Crest of a Wave" and “What D’Ya Say?" are the couplets. Chiquita and Twelve o’Clock Waltz—Smoothest of smooth waltzes by Victor Arden-Phil Ohman and their Orchestra, with vocal refrains in each. “Chi- quita” is a sequel to “‘Ramona” and similarly pat- terned. (Victor 21513.) Just Like a Melody Out of the Sky and Because My Baby Don’t Mean Maybe Now—Sprightly fox- trots by Ben Bernie and his Hotel Roosevelt Orches- tra. Both Walter Donaldson tunes are skilfully or- chestrated by the Bernicites. (Brunswick 3953.) The Man from the South and Pretty Trix—UlItra modernistic jazz transcriptions by Joe Venuti's Blue Four (Okeh 41076), introducing freak indigo modula- tions and futuristic jazzique. Abel Green. Modern Criminology THE wizarp feeds and carves and saws His rats and gophers till he gleans The knowledge that crime’s only cause Is maladjusted endocrines. How happy you should be to know That when some yeggman smacks you double It is not crime that prompts the blow But merely pancreatic trouble. Or if some low-browed, slinking lad A knife between your ribs should bury, Don’t mind him, he’s not really bad; It’s just a sick pituitary. Perhaps you’ve been pumped full of lead Until the light can through you filter. No crime was done, although you're dead; "Twas but a thyroid out of kilter. And so, whatever be your lot: By some plug-ugl to be socked or Maybe throttled, stabbed, or shot, Don’t call a cop, just call a doctor! Dalnar Devening. “IT just decided it was time to retire,” said Gene Tunney, and the Fisk Rubber Company's advertising depart- ment emitted whoops of glee. OUR pipe is in right with friend wife the moment she gets that new and milder fragrance of Sir Walter's favorite mixture. A welcome blend of choice, mild tobaccos, kept fresh in a heavy gold foil wrap. Be fair to yourselves, men, and fair to the fair sex. Let Sir Walter make your pipe a pipe of peace. LIMITED OFFER ( for the United States only ) If your favorite tobacconist does not carry Sir Walter Raleigh, send us his name and address. In return for this courtesy, we'll be delighted to send you without charge a full-size tin of this milder pipe mixture. \ Dept. X, Brown & Williamson Tobacco Corp. Winston-Salem, N. C. SIR WALTER RALEIGH Who discovered how good a pipe can be

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32 Lire Robert Benchley The only dramatic critic who is an actor himself. Bench- ley’s reviews and guide to the drama tell you what you want to know about the shows, but more than that, they are sure-fire entertainment in themselves. Percy Crosby The creator of the immortal “Skippy” is coming back to the pages of Lire. Several covers and cartoons, brimming with Crosby humor and Crosby humanity, are on the way. Robert E. Sherwood The first intelligent commentator to take any notice of the movies, and still their best pal and severest critic. Sherwood’s reviews form a dependable guide to the current films. Elmer Davis He writes editorials you can read, on subjects you are interested in. He has a reputation for thinking straight, and for saying what he thinks. Will Rogers Humorist, globe-trotter, interpreter of America to the United States and other foreign nations, he is well quali- fied to be Lire’s candidate for President on the Bunkless ticket. His campaign speeches appear in Lire every week. Walter Winchell The bright boy of Broadway. His weekly letter is a treatise on what’s new along the Main Stem. If you want your wisecracks while they’re fresh, read Winchell. Henry Suydam The political observer who knows what he’s talking about, who has no ax to grind, and who issues bulletins about The Way Things Are Going which are as enjoyable as they are informative. Baird Leonard She puts into “Mrs. Pep’s Diary” remarks about this and that which husbands and wives all over the country have been trying to say for years. John Kieran As sports editor of the New York Times, he is in a posi- tion to speak with authority on the squared circle, the diamond, the court, track, pool, and gridiron. Agnes Smith Her witty comments on the radio relieve the feelings of thousands who listen in. And also— Grand Total: LIFE A new series of cuckoo cartoons and verses by Fred Cooper (f.g.c.)....more rhymed reviews by Arthur Guiterman....more cartoons by Gluyas Williams, and caricatures by James Montgomery Flagg... .covers by John Held, John LaGatta and Russell Patterson. . . . regu- lar contributions by Kin Hubbard (Abe Martin), Frank- lin P. Adams (F.P.A.), Ashton Stevens, Ted Robinson, Stoddard King, Elmer C. Adams, Neal O’Hara, Judd Mortimer Lewis, in Neighborhood News... .And liter- ally thousands of good jokes and pictures. Clip and mail to LIFE 598 Madison Ave., New York SEND ME LIFE FOR ONE YEAR FIVE DOLLARS ENCLOSED THE DEVINNE-HALLENBECK COMPANY, INC.. PRINTERS, NEW YORK Play the SILVER KING “ 4! s“,* ay “Heard the good news? Old Man Duffus finally cleared the water hole.” “Must have surprised the turtles he’s bombarded for thirty-one long ears!” “Oh, they were all down in the silt —trying to hatch out the first eight balls he drove. But the old man will robabl present us with a new club ouse. Tekled to death.” “What got him over—some favor- ing hurricane?” “Not at all—the silver King! Doug Smith told the old man he’d tees to stop making high land out of our only water Benton him a Silver King and my how it worked!” “How could even a King reform that ancient slice “ a addict?” * Psychology, my dear boy, is no re ena of —_ Tous or old, the so called dub merely tries too hard. And the confidence that comes to every man when he’s playing the best ball made gives him more distance, better direction, smaller scores! The King takes one great uncertainty out of this uncertain game. Its use is the best piece of golfing psychology | know - Silver King— Reg. U. S. Pat. Of, [Imported by] JOHN WANAMAKER NEW YORK Wholesale Golf Distributors STINE REINER RI

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wel hate SF ee The elaborate figure-heads of famous American clipper ships were not cut from solid timber, but built up of futed pieces—then carved to final form ACKARD’S characteristic lines have set the standard for an entire school of automobile design. First an achievement of independent, cre- ative designing, then refined and devel- oped through the years, Packard lines— though frequently imitated—have never been surpassed in grace and distinction. This is not accident. The continued refine- ment of Packard lines, while retaining all their familiar and distinctive charac- teristics, is today the object of as careful thought and study as was their original conception. Packard s are priced from $2275 to $4550. When improvements are contemplated, Packard artisans construct from the drawings a full-sized body of fine wood. Under the eyes of the designers it is then reshaped until each line and curve is artistically correct, each panel, door and window properly proportioned — the whole a perfect model for a new interpretation of Packard beauty. It is such faithful consecration to an ideal—typical of every phase of Packard design and manufacture—that has estab- lished Packard beauty and distinction as supreme among all fine cars. Individual custom models from $3875 to $8725, at Detroit PAC MAR D

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** Well, how do you like it by now?” **It's a Great Automobile!”’ when you see it it looks like a creat automobile w hen you drive it it feels like a sreat automobile when you own it you know it’s a great automobile and you don’t hesitate to tell your friends so. Marmon 68 a straight eight at the price of a six more than 25,000 Marmon eights now in use