Life 1927-02-24: Vol 89 Iss 2312

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zx Lagt a / Moe (. Se ANTANN,, <<< " hace, btprs {\ ny WVVVVAAL VA ool (( {\' Meh i PRICE 15 CENTS 7 “Phew! I certainly smell something burning EBRUARY 24, 192

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MAGNIFICENT IN STYLE AND LUXURY-- SWIFTER THAN THE VERY WIND ERE is the supreme embodiment of everything fine and appealing ina motorcar... Lengthy, low to the ground, charming in design ... Sumptuous in every detail of interior decoration, seat dimensions, upholstery . . . Marvelous be- yond words through the whole range of performance. : ; } Eighty horsepower at 3000 revolutions; yet placidly smooth, serenely quiet. A car that fairly dazzles you with its spontaneous and silky obedience to either throttle or brakes. At 75 miles an hour, and better, you have a sensation of traveling only half that fast! Four magnificent body styles: Royal Eight 5-Passenger Sedan; Royal Eight 7-Passenger Sedan; Royal Eight Coupe; Royal Eight Roadster—and a complete line of new 1927 Chandler Sixes. Pick your model and take a ride. CHANDLER-CLEVELAND MOTORS CORPORATION ’ CLEVELAND Export Department, 1819 Broadway, New York City ROYAL RIGHT

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ele rat t For Thirty-five years the Ameri- can Radiator Company has held fast to the conviction that the one and only indestructible market is that which is rooted deep in the instinctive preferences of the people. This is the unwritten law of business growth which rises above all artificial considerations —to supply a basic human need so completely and so economi- cally that in the mind of the aver- age man there is never even a thought of turning to any other source. The American Radiator Com- pany saw thirty-five years ago this vision of a service so i spread and painstaking that it would render itself indispensable in every building operation from the most modest home to the most ambitious business struc- ture. That vision has become a phys- HOUR TO HOUR SERVICE WHICH BLANKETS THE NATION ical, practical fact, not only in the economic soundness of the product and an actual hour-to- hour service which practically blankets the nation—but also in that other more important thing, the universal recognition that American Radiator Company and heat are synonymous terms. Wherever there is growth— wherever there is expansion—the American Radiator Company, by right of the conquest of incom- parable service, becomes an im- mediate and most intimate part of the process. Clear across the continent, the American Radiator Company marches hand-in-hand with the spirit of development which is the instinct of America—an in- dispensable factor in the nation’s growth because both its product and its service are indispensable. The American Radiator Com- pany is proud of its privilege and conscious of its responsibilities— more eager and alert to serve to- day and infinitely better able to do so than at any other time in thirty-five years. AMERICAN RADIATOR (COMPANY Showrooms and Sales Offices: New York, Boston, Providence, New Haven, Newark, Philadelphia, Baltimore, Washington, Richmond, Buffalo, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Detroit, Cincinnati, Atlanta, Chicago, Milwaukee, Indianapolis, St. Louis, St. Paul, Minneapolis, Omaha, Denver, Kansas City, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Seattle, Toronto, London, Paris, Milan, Brussels, Berlin. Makers of IDEAL Boilers, AMERICAN Radiators, ARCO Hot Water Supply Heaters, VENTO (Ventilating) Heaters, Heat-Controlling Accessories, etc. :

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Why Judges Grow Gray “HES just a big playful boy, Your Honor. It’s a case of too much rum and bad companions, As a matter of fact, he tells me that he never dreamed such a light blow would break the old man’s head.” * * * “My client had no idea that there was moonshine being made in his garage. True, he had noticed the ninety-six-dollar gas bill, but he thought the man to whom he rented the place was reading there late at night.” ” * +. “This man admits he’s a burglar, eae e ; Your Honor, but I think he’s entitled ¥ wes to his freedom. He saw the officer os 4) me | at the door and, having a loaded gun, i | i could easily have shot him. But he EMin proved himself a gentleman and when he jumped out the window another Attractive Roundtrip H , 3 officer seized him.” Fares fit | 7» * Bae en — —_ P eo. poner locked doors with another man at Oth in the matter of time and cost. 2 |. TiN || three o’clock in the morning, but I Note these roundtrip fares. ay fe don’t think that tends to show mis- SOOO vorchama nt return. Sailfrom — Se yy conduct. They were slightly intox- San Francisco for Honolulu and . f icated, you see, and were going out Yokohama, returning to Seattle. Or return di- ti of | to supper. The other man had fol- rect via Honolulu to San Francisco. av Le lowed her in there to assist her with Shanghai and return. Sail from Ves Ae her coat.” Seattle for Yokohama, Kobe and * * # “True, Your Honor, the respond- ent’s husband found her behind Shanghai, returning from Japan to San Fran- Dy “We admit guilt, Your Honor, but cisco via Honolulu. Or return from Yokohama ie \\ I want to plead for mitigation of to Seattle. TS sentence. This boy—he’s only $750 Manila and return. Sail from | eee twenty-nine—w ould never have passed all these worthless checks if he hadn’t been one of a gang. | don’t think he should be made to take the blame for what another man »lanned.” The entire trip is made aboard great President Liners, broad | I Edward FitzGerald. and steady. They are luxuriously furnished, spacious, com- modious. All rooms are outside. The public rooms are beau- tifully appointed. The dining service is excellent. In the Never-Never Land Sailings for the Orient and Round the World on the Dol- NCE upon a time Mr. and Mrs. lar Line every week from Los Angelesand San Francisco. Every Oliver Sutton were traveling to fortnight from Boston and New York for the Orient via Ha- a Certain City in the Pullman Car, vana, Panama and California. “Fort Snelling Heights.” As neither Every two weeks one of these President Liners departs from Mr. nor Mrs. Sutton had ever visited Seattle over the American Mail Line. this Certain City, Mr. Sutton stepped : i the vestibule and returned And there are fortnightly sailings from Naples, Genoa and ee Ae Marseilles for Boston and New York. with the Hotel Red Book. After ; ‘ scanning its pages for a short while, Plan to see the Orient. No section of the world offers so Mr. Seat nn — d to Mrs. Sutton much of adventure and real charm. and said, “The Hotel Mammoth San Francisco for Honolulu, Yo- kohama, Kobe, Shanghai, Hong Kong and Manila, returning from Japan to Seattle. Or re- turn from Japan to San Francisco via Honolulu. Complete information from any steamship or railroaa ticket agent or advertises large double rooms with bath, circulating ice water, and ser- D o 1 ' a Yr St e a mm & hi p Li n t=} vidor service (whatever that may be) for five dollars up.” So upon reach- A mer i c a n 7 a i 1 L } ne ing this Certain City, Mr. and Mrs. Sutton registered at the Hotel Mam- Admiral Oriental Line moth, where a very nice room clerk SB Prontae caiastiwy NEES ER Ads. ~ pau assigned them toa large double 177 State Street . . . Boston, Mass. 51 - Sixth St.. . Los Angeles, Calif. room with bath, circulating ice water, Robert Butler Buildiog Sen Prancnco, Calif and servidor service, and charged 1519 Railroad Avenue South, Seattle, Wash. = them exactly five dollars. W. B. S. LIFE: Published Weekly by Life Pub. Co., 598 Madison Ave., N. Y., N. Y. Subscription, $5.00. Vol. 89, No. 2312. Feb. 24, 1927. Ent'd as 2nd Class Matter, June 1088, ot Not York Post Office. under act of March 3, 1879. Printed in U. S. A. Ent’d as 2nd Class Matter at the Post Office Dept., Canada. Copyright 1927, Life Pub. Co. in U. 5. England and Possessions.

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Life 3 He 1S Always on Time! For he is served by a timepiece of supreme reliability

conference at ten, luncheon at twelve- thirty, the Century at two-forty- five—for all these the business man must be exactly timed; and he is as exactly timed as the Limited itself if he carries a Hamilton Watch. For the Hamilton is more thana pocket- piece—it is a timepiece, a time- piece that under gruelling tests has won for itself the reputation of being the watch of railroad accuracy. Indeed, it is a fact that a large proportion of the rail- road men of the country are served by the Hamilton Watch. Hamilton accuracy is a mat- ter not only of careful planning, careful machining, careful ad- justing; it is the result of test- ing—thorough, searching test- ing—over a period of months. Every day, for weeks at a time, each Hamilton Watch ticks away underthe keenest scrutiny, under the closest checking. When you slip a Hamilton into your pocket you may be confi- “The Care of Your dent that it will give you time- Watch.” Address Hamil- accuracy, year in and year out. ton Watch Company, And ina watch therecanindeed 899 Columbia Avenue, be no possible substitute for Lancaster, Pa., U. S. A. accuracy. The Hamilton Watch is ated ‘ : a 3 ~ 5 ° amilron cushion strap 5 x ea 7 , “ 0 priced from $48 to $685 for watch sturdily encased in 14k 4 A ST Se. ae, Pay gin pocket models; strap models, filled green or white gold, , ; ae) «= chased white or green filled $50 to $88; women’s wrist : ? £ enna by et ? - ; . NR yng . movement that gives true models, $48 to $60. i, | SS oe are ee We should be glad to send aes ‘ : = ; As Ss é AP @ d The Hamilton “Fillmore” you upon request our attractive eS. 2 i Ca ay es , has a 17-jewel movement and booklets’ The Timekeeper” and eas : chased case of either green or ae white filled go < The Watch of Familton Patch 22,

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Lif’e The Composite Advertisement Reader Looks at an Automobile “Vy st. Mr. Representative of a great industry with branches in principal cities, I want to see your latest model, that truly fine small car, with quality, leadership, a commanding position, world-wide prestige, pride of ownership, and a statement from the president of the company. ‘ It must be of surpassing beauty, first in volume of sales, all that money can buy, recog- nized by discriminating womenkind, the forerunner of to-morrow’s vogue, the logical successor to the finer cars of yesterday, practically fool- proof, and a masterpiece of manufacturing genius which expresses the highest stand- ards, meets exhaustive tests, ranks high in the public’s favor, improves with use, gives unbounded satisfaction, and has a dis- tinctive silhouette, radical changes, an illustrious clientele, greater economy, and a chassis by distinguished body builders, cushioned in rubber, and visited by fre- quent inspectors. A new experience awaits me, and I asked the man who owns one, and I know that it is ineffably smooth, the ultimate in unfettered motion, and vibrationless beyond be- lief; but although arts and science, rovalty and literature unite in the most remarkable tribute ever paid to = any motor car, still when better cars “HOW OLD ARE you?” are built you will build them, and “1 SAID | WAS EIGHTEEN.” until then I shall be content with my “YES, BUT HOW OLD ARE you Now?’ bic) cle, and can I have a little gaso- Partial Comfort Afrormath line to take off this grease spot from raed ee’ ; ; at my vest? I am much obliged. Good HOSE love is given over-well Scene: Office of Lire’s Alibi Con- . Shall look on Helen’s face in test Judges. W. W. Scott. hell; Time: One hour after the final While they whose love is thin and award has been announced. The wise Judges are still prostrate. There is May view John Knox in Paradise. a knock. Eighteen thousand disap- Dorothy Parker. pointed Alibi Contest contributors enter menacingly. HEIR Spokesman: We really can't see the point to those prize- winning Alibis. What makes you think they are better than the ones we submitted ? Tue Jupees: Well, you see, it was this way... CuRTAIN P. S. They did not win the #50. L. C. Beutel. morning.” EPORTER: To what do you at- tribute your failure to be elected ? Inuinois Ponrrician: Hard work and clean living. His Lucky Day “TLL let you in on a _ secret— Smith’s wife has just left him.” “Great! Now what’s the secret of it?” AT the rate baseball scandal is progressing it will be years be- YOU TO MEET THE WIFE AND THE LITTLE ACCESSORIES. fore it is brought up-to-date. dutomobile Dealer (introducing a brother dealer to his family): sox, 1 WANT

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“WHEN SHE TRAVELS SHE TAKES ALONG HER SERVANTS AND PETS.” “Gracious! ‘Show Boat’’ Chronology CAN you beat this? * * Parthenia was eighty at the time of her death; page 370. Magnolia was sixty when Parthenia died; page 372. Parthenia, then, was twenty when Magnolia born. Par- thenia had been married seven years was HOW SCANDALOUS!” when Magnolia was born; page 29. So Parthenia must have been thir- teen when she married. Parthenia was seven years older than Captain Andy; page 27. Ergo, Captain Andy was all of six when he entered the married state. * * * Can you MATCH it? Influence of the English Social Comedy Upon Two Members of the Clothing Business “O’ I say, vot rotten vedder ve're heving.” “Yes. It’s bistly, doncher know.” “Desh hit hall, vy doesn’t the sun come hout like an hold dir?” “Ve could jolly vell stend some nice vedder. I say, hev you heard about the Ginsbergs?” “No, hold bin, vot’s the noos?” “Sadie ran away vit the shuffer,” “Soives Sem jolly vell right. He's so terrible meedle-cless Vell, it’s all a bistly mess. t'ink so, hold t’ing?” . “Oi, I don’t know. top holl.” “Oi, I say, not rilly!” “Yes, by Jovv!” “Vot a gestly mess! goink.” “Oi, I say, vidder avay?” “IT tink I'll hev a robber or two at the clobb.” “Chock heet, Alix, and I'll hey Jivves breeng in some tea. Oi, ennyhow, Doncher Sadie’s rilly Vell, I'll be “How menny glesses, sor?” oer . ae Two, Jivves. “Mit lemon, sor?” “Eef you pliz, Jivves.” “Very goot, sor.” “No, Oiving, I'll tink I'll emble alonk vitout tea. It’s very dissent of you ennyhow.” “Qi, rot.” “Vell, I'll desh alonk. Peep, peep, hold t’ing.” “Cheery-ho, Alix. And don’t t’ink eel of Sadie Ginsberg. She’s rilly docky. Cheery-ho!” Arthur Kober. Soa Sip \4 , ti-~ r if ing it a a ite E Rea tii 20 ie ~S 7 FP \y ar | oh thee Hardware ALTHOUGH Im teeny Bit afraid of getting hurt, I think, like Mussolini, That I'll wear an shirt. not 2a iron It’s not that I’d be swagger, For I’m not a_ freakish frosh, But the shirt that turns 4 dagger Might come safely through “HERE, DOGGIE, DOGGIE, DOGGIE!” the wash. “SAY, SISTER, CUT OUT TH’ PET NAMES, WILL YA? 1M TRYIN’ T BRING THIS PUP UP , ’ > HARD-BOILED.” Thomas Pye.

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Ry —~ r: . nm A4hhid ]? L227 II hLLLL]) mi FEAF Not by Special Appointment to His Majesty The King Discovers That the Mustard on the Royal Table Is GWYAS WILLIAMS

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Life Vip he; SM ie fA 4 SO YOU ARE THE POSTMASTER, STOREKEEPER, PEACE AND CONSTABLE OF THIS TOWN? YOU MIGHT SAY I’M THE MUSSOLINI OF BUCKEYE CORNERS. Stranger: JUSTICE OF THE Native: yassir! Nicety a la Mode ADY OF THE HOUSE (at back door): What have you this morning that’s nice? I have some ver’ nice toma- 4 Tony: Oh, this-a morn’, toes, carrots, spinach—— Lapy: If it’s nice spinach, you may .bring me some spinach. And, Tony, are your radishes nice? Tony: Oh, my radishes ver’ nice, so nice. Lapy: If they’re nice, bring me some, but be very sure they are nice. What kind of tomatoes have you? Tony: Oh, I have some ver’ nice tomatoes. Lavy: How nice are they? Tony: Oh, such-a nice tomatoes ! Lavy: Well, bring me some tomatoes, if they’re nice. How are the carrots? Tony: Oh, my carrots ver’ nice, ever’thing nice. Lapy: Very well, Tony; spinach, radishes, some to- matoes and carrots, but they must all be nice. L. H.G. What It Was Say a WILLIs: When was the a hh first frost last year? Gituis: September eighth. “Are you sure?” “Positive. That was the date of my wife’s reception.” Young Artist of the “We Moderns” School (reading newspapers): GOSH, THE CRITICS DON’T SEEM TO KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF MY PICTURE. Visiting Friend: CONGRATULATIONS, MY BOY — YOU HAVE arrived! SUST BETWEEN US GIRL® “M* DEAR, I NEVER said ANY such a THING— ‘ I mean I ACtually NEVER DID, because | mean [ simply NEVER gossip as you KNOW, my dear, and I mean whoEVER TOLD you I said that about MAbel is simply a HELL-cat because I mean she’s a DAMNED LIAR, that’s ALL I’ve got to SAY about her because I HONestly VOW I NEVER said a WORD to her about MAbel because I mean I simply aDORE Mabel and I mean I ALways stick UP for her because | mean I’ve ALways been TERribly FOND of her as you KNOW, my dear, even when she said POISonous things about me, I mean, when some FOUL person told her I said something perfectly VILE about her which I simply VOW I NEVER said be- cause I mean you KNOW, my dear, I NEVER gossip because I mean I think it just GETS you into TROUble~ with _ people, my dear. But ANYways, my dear, I BET it was GRACE who told you I made that perfectly VILE remark about MAbel, my dear, because I mean she’s a PERfect little HELL- cat and I mean we've AL- ways LOATHED each other because I mean she KNOWS I SIMply aBOMINATE her, my dear, because I mean she’s the WORLD’S WORST GOSsip and I mean she simply spends her en TIRE TIME saying simply POISonous THINGS about practically EVery- body she KNOWS, my dear—I mean she ACtv- ally DOES!” Lloyd Mayer. ROFESSOR: Mention a recent addition to the by-products of petroleum. ““Er—war-scares.”

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MF A Israelite Golf Bug: KrEP YOUR HEAD DOWN, Mosrs! How to Write a Movie puRst think of a title. Some name like “The Doll's House” or “Martin Chuzzlewit” will do. Once you have the title, the bat- tle is half over. The plot concerns a girl named Sue, daughter of a middle-class family. The first scene shows the living-room of Sue's papa’s house in Glendale. The room is three hundred feet long and two hundred feet wide, and has porphyry stairs and a butler in a striped waistcoat. Sue's papa is mad because Sue doesn't marry Harold Dingrath, apprentice to the local taxider- mist. He expresses this anger by taking a cigar out of his mouth and dashing it to the floor. The butler picks it up and finishes it. (That’s your comic touch.) That night Harold arrives at Sue’s in an eight-cylinder car, which he evidently earned by stufing birds in his spare time. Sue’s mamma, who is also promot- ing the match, makes a very crude remark, such as, “Harold, did you know my Sue is a hell of a good cook?” This bothers Sue, who has delicacy, and when Harold pro- poses she tells him she doesn’t love him—which the audience knows is an out-and-out fib. When Harold leaves, she runs to the door and ZOO. presses her lips against it. Harold is doing exactly the same thing on the other side. (That’s your pathos.) Now is the time to let Another Woman enter Harold's life. The looser she is the better. A good way of introducing her is by showing first “WELL, MARJORIE, HERE WE ARE AT THE NOW WHICH OF THE ANIMALS WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE FIRST?” “THE CRICKETS.” a close-up of a cigarette in a long ivory holder, then the sinuous hand, then the sinuous arm, finally the Other Woman's face. (There’s your sex appeal. ) Next run the sub-title, “Years roll by and Spring has come to southern France.” Show apple Sue has drifted there and has married a nobleman, who blossoms. won her on a bet, but she is his IN NAME ONLY. Keep the audience straight on this point by showing wife how the nobleman rolls up in a blanket and sleeps on the mantelpiece all night long. (That’s your imagination.) In the last reel Sue and Harold meet by accident in Australia, where Harold has gone to get away from the Other Woman. The audience will have to guess why Sue is there. Anyway, there she is. (That’s your dénouement. ) Change the title from “Martin Chuzzlewit” to “Sex” and send it to any good producer. There's nothing to it. E. B. W. On the Wheel as OU say his wife drove him to drink?” “Yes, from the back seat.”

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WHILE YOU ARE LAMBASTING THE MUCH MALIGNED MOVIES INFANT INDUSTRY, AWAY BACK IN THE CUSTARD PIE ERA, The Gay Nineties CAMPAIGN WHEREBY THE LONG-SUFFERING THEATREGOER WAS AT UNOBSTRUCTED VIEW OF THE SHOW HE Binneyville Bugle R. HARRISON NEBS and Mrs. Nebs have returned from a trip to New York, where the Mis- sus got her face and Harrison his watch lifted, both on Broadway. * * * Rosalie, Zeb Gurley’s cow, was ar- rested again yesterday by Pound- master Skinner. Same old charge— Loitering. * * * Hilary Jones and Jennie Brown were thrown together so much dur- ing a ride on the roller coaster last Saturday evening that their engage- ment has been announced. Folks hereabouts are pretty proud of Congressman Binks. He rose in the House in Washington last Satur- day and got it to adjourn. & * * Clem Tebbins is probably the most bashful man that ever lived. He has worn two pairs of suspenders for vears. F. B. M. In Difficulties “DELLE seems to be having trouble at the beauty counter.” “She has so much natural color that it is hard for her to select rouge.” JHEIR HATS JUST REMEMBER THAT IT WAS THE THAT HAD LAST PERMITTED TO HAD PAID TO SEE. THE NERVE TO START A GET AN Overheard in a Bookstore “Q’AY, is that a good book? What's it like? Good and snappy? I like a snappy book. Some hot stuff. But not immoral. Just good. A novel, I guess. A kind of short story. About the sea. You know. A girl, too. And detectives. In the West, maybe. A couple of murders. People shot. But cheerful, kind of. I like them cheerful. The books, I mean. They got to be cheerful. Have you got a book like that? Almost any book. I’m not particular. Just so it’s good. Yes, and snappy. I like a good book.” W. W. Scott.

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ALIBI NUMBER SIX Bond Salesman: HELLO, MR. BROWN, I WAS JUST CALLING YOUR OFFICE; WHAT’S THE IDEA OF THE GIRL’S TELLING ME YOU WERE IN CON- FERENCE? Big Business Man: WELL, YOU SEE, ir’s THIs wAY...I was in conference with my niblick and my God. This Alibi, which wins the first prize of $50.00, was submitted by Ensign E. Grant, U. S. N., U. S. S. Arctic, c/o Postmaster, San Francisco, California. Ten second prizes, instead of the usual five, have been awarded this week to those who submitted the line: “Her word is as good as your bond.” These prizes, of $10 each, go to the following: E. H. Bemis, York, Neb.; Mass lisuer, Baltimore, Md.; W. W. Greae, Elmira, N. Y.; R. R. Hriw1- MAN, Buffalo, N. Y.; Mrs. W. B. KirKMAN, Andover, Mass.; Fuior- ence G. Postor, Washington, D. C.; W. H. Ryper, Brooklyn, N. Y.; E. W. Tracy, North Andover, Mass.; Jane Witson, Pasadena, Cal.; S. G. Yocum, Millville, N. J. The Judges of the Alibi Contest have also awarded six special third prizes of $5.00 each to the following, who submitted variations of “My word is as good as your bond”: E. H. Bropie, Detroit, Mich.; Grace Cornwa.t, Mill Valley, Cal.; (Continued on page 33) Life ALIBI CONTEST Conditions of the Contest on page 33 $100.00 Weekly in Prizes First Prize, $50.00 Five Second Prizes of $10.00 each LIBI-TOSSING is the new na- tional sport—and here’s a per- fect chance for the amateur Alibi artist to turn professional. Study the situation depicted be- low; place yourself in the dentist’s position for the moment—and then decide what you would say to the pained patient who took you at your word. Send your Alibis (any number of ‘em) to Lire, and you will be in line to win one of the cash prizes. Read all the conditions carefully and be sure to write legibly, using only one side of the paper. Remember that, in the event of a tie, the full amount of the prize is awarded to all tying contestants. In the case of ALIBI NUMBER SIX, about which you may read in the column to your left, ten extra cash prizes were handed out to successful contestants. ALIBI NUMBER TWELVE will be published in Lire next week, with a new set of prizes offered. ALIBI NUMBER ELEVEN The Patient: wow! you SAID THAT WASN’T GOING TO HURT A BIT! The Dentist: WELL, YOU SEE, IT WAS THIS WAY...

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MOTHER-IN-LAW TROUBLES PLUS. JERRY’S HIM FOUR MOTHERS, AND THEY ALL ADORE HIM!” «ee IVE HAD FATHER HAS GIVEN Those Allied Building Trades (The scene is the framework of a new skyscraper. A Riveter and his Boss are having an argument on a girder at what will be the sixty-second floor of the completed building. ) Bess (angrily): Say! half the rivets? RivETER (emphasizing the point with tobacco juice, as in “The Big Parade’): Dat’s to make it easy for de wreckers when dey tear it down. Bos 8s (grudging- ly): Good idea. Wot's the big idea leavin’ out Huh? EAC H- ER: Now, Danny, what are you do- ing, learning something? DANNY: No,ma’am. I was just lis- HOW TO BE A PAINLESS DENTIST tenin’ to you. , February A great sheaf of bills by the first post, very depressing, nor did I open them to find out Ist the exact sums for which I am beholden through fear of becoming so cast down that I could not arise and go about the day’s business, so, dreaming of an invulnerable solvency, I did ask Sam what would be the first thing he would do if he suddenly came into a million, and he responded with no hesitancy soever, “Buy this apartment building and put out the old zany who lives below us,” nor could I think of a more satisfactory thing for him to do, neither, for Lord! the wretch down- stairs complains if our servants do but walk across the floors in our absence and blames us for various noises due to the construction of the building, and if I did not know that he was in the insurance business, I should take him for the run- ner-up in marking the sparrows’ fall. Florence Kimball to luncheon with me, and we made a fine meal off turtle soup, creamed oysters, cold ham and salad, and oranges pre- served in grenadine, which God knows I should not have eaten, and Florence did tell about mak- ing a_ record of Grieg’s “Ein Traum” at the Vic- tor factory in Cam- den and _ saying, “That was certainly rotten!” at the con- clusion of her fourth trial so that her ver- dict also reached the wax and_= she must needs go through the whole nerve-racking _busi- nessagain. In speaking of how well Edith Piper had sung the piece from “‘Herodiade”’ at her concert last night, I did vouch- safe that in spite of my appreciation of the technical finesse which goes into the proper rendering of a song in a foreign tongue, I am nevertheless glad when a pro- gram reaches the cheap-and-easy group in English, and it is because our own writers get such a kick out of the coming of day or of Spring or of their love that they do seldom write about anything else, thereby giving a soprano a splendid chance to emit a tremendous final whoop, which, if well done, never fails to thrill me. Pretty Slick WHAT PLUS-FOURS DOING ON THET SCARE- CROW 0” YouRSs, HI? Iliram: THET’S THE GOVERNMENT'S NEW IDEA 0” FARM RELIEF! Tlank: ARE THEM THERE Very | save my bed. ; , February ery loth to leave my bed, a most un ond wonted pain in my stomach awakening the suspicion that perhaps I am beginning to break and can no longer stand (Continued on page 30)

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Life SRE hi a ‘a a Life Lines EE ‘PRING is just around the corner and in a few weeks every woman will be shopping for her new Easter garters. JL “Vr. and Mrs. A. P. Hageman are rejoicing over the arrival of a amfwpy cmfwpy emfwpy cmfwppp doing nicely.” Youngstown Vindicator. “it’s mine!” ” said Mrs. 2 8 “But whatever it is, HaGEMAN, a book on the Title: “The It seems time for Bruce Barton to write Administration’s attitude toward Mexico. Policy Nobody Knows.” JL If the Republicans do not look sharp they will have a candidate running for the presidency on the slogan, “He kept us out of war.” /_ “Prince WiiiiaM, eldest son of former Crown Prince Freperick Wiiu1AM,” an Associated Press dispatch in- forms us, “has won four dueling victories this year and inflicted enough gashes on the faces and hands of his opponents to be a real hero at Potsdam.” ‘The place,” says a certain Harvard man, but Princeton.” “is not Pots- JL with her hoary old athletic traditions presume, will be, in regard to the Harvard- Fence. In accordance Yale, we Princeton fracas, distinctly on the i. Among the concrete virtues of a bootlegger is that, if you let him talk long enough, he always gets down to cases. The Boy: DO YOU THINK WE COULD LIVE ON TEN THOUSAND A YEAR? The Girl: yes, BUT WHO IS GOING TO GIVE IT TO US? Wruange— “ETHEL, YOU ARE DEAR, YOU THE quaintest THING! LOOK POSITIVELY WHY, MY EFFEMINATE !” Each to His Choice HAVE only one wish in life. Just one want to do before I leave this world. Some of us demand a great deal in life. Some of us want money that we may be money-powerful. Money is a great thing. Some of us want power that we may do as we wish. To be a Senator, or possibly a President, is our greatest ambition. Some of us want to travel—to Eu- rope—around the world. To be tinually on the go, learning serving things everywhere. is so broadening. And some of us seek leadership in Society. Always seeking other worlds to conquer, never satisfied. Others can have their money, their power, their desire to travel, their leadership in Society, their manifold desires; but I only a single wish. My cup of happiness will be filled if, sometime, I can go to some little Iowa church and listen to a champion hog-caller say “Amen.” K. Doris. thing I really con- and ob- Travel have Polyglot AP: Do you speak any foreign languages? Sap: Yes, Advertising. French, German and

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14 VAS We Nes) eo «4 (V6) (0) awe er, (Vata FVD Fh Les ay i ABERFITCH & CROMBY. Co Peer ; areas ¥ SL Ci) OG ( ae Von ie MD mes y i 4G SS SoM) Hudson Bay Harry Solves That Seat-in-the-Center Problem

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RITHEE, listen to— To my wail of woe! Like a sea of glue Slithery is the snow; Slip—and down you go; Did you think it plush That you sat on? No! Sing a song of slush! ——— eee A Song of Slush = { What can mortals do?— Sniff and sneeze and blow! ow the runnels flow! . of tl a h! She: My Gosu! 1tT’s ONE 0’CLOCK AND MOTHER HAS ME LOCKED ovuT! w 1e utters usn: > ¥ & 8 He: HOW IN THE WORLD WILL YOU GET IN? This is truth, I trow; : a. = , oe She: THERE’S NOTHING TO DO BUT WAIT HERE ON THE PORCH UNTIL SHE Sing a song of slush! sain comin L’Envot. Such a dale of dough! The Boor Such a mess of mush! A: You seem to have turned score on my bridge pads; he uses the Hey, my Muse, and ho! against Mr. Blink, Susie; I Madeira napkins at tea; he uses the Sing a song of slush! thought you wanted him to visit us. guest towels; he’s sat on«all the Clinton Scollard. Susie: I did, Ma. But he’s proved divan pillows, and this morning I his culture. He’s walked on my hook discovered the hand-painted shower- Co-operation rugs; he’s cut the leaves in all my curtain in the bathroom was actually itiesscsmeeeeed : best books; he insists on keeping all wet! WEETHEART, once we're mar- ried I shall expect you to in- troduce a chow dog into the house, and when you're not bathing it or knitting little coats for it, you will be away having your hair bobbed, your face massaged, and your mind improved. You will become a mem- ber of two or three literary discus- sion groups and charity associations, and five times a year you will hold a spear or carry a tray in some Little Theatre. Moreover, I shall expect you to have a great deal to say about furs, interior decorating, the servant problem, rummage sales, etiquette, John Gilbert, and the men you might have married. You will take up the study of French, and I shall expect you also to buy at least one cigarette holder every week, and one ship model, and one doll. “ne : a If you don’t do all these things, Diddhe Rename concluded the professional humorist, fe “T'll be in a bad way for material.” Jane: you REMEMBER, YOU TOLD ME THAT IF I’D PUT A PIECE OF THAT WED- DING CAKE UNDER MY PILLOW I WOULD DREAM ABOUT MY FUTURE HUSBAND? N° one carries his liquor well any Joan; WELL, Dip you? more, except the bootlegger. Jane; THAT’S WHAT WORRIES ME; I DREAMT ABOUT THE SEVENTH REGIMENT.

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FEBRUARY 24, 1927 VOL. 89. 2312 “While there is Life there’s Hope” Published by LIFE PUBLISHING COMPANY 598 Madison Avenue, New York Cuartes Dana Greson, President R, E. SHerwoop, Editor F. D. Casey, Art Editor Ae Saba THE Glad- SER stone cal- wudmon, UNny trial sperthettree! turned 2 out as it ~~ S : should. Peter Wright, who said the old man was such a loose liver, was thrown out of court. Yet very likely he be- lieved that he was speaking the truth. ‘The world abounds with men who think of the relations between men and women almost exclusively from the physical standpoint. Ob- serving the attraction women have for men and men for women, they put it all on a physical basis and then look for If they don’t find them easily they can al- ways invent them. They are very stupid people. The great trouble with Peter Wright is (not to put it too bluntly) the limitation of his un- derstanding. Gladstone liked the ladies and was sensitive to the charm of pretty women. The attraction they had for him. was all to his credit. He was alive; not a brickyard nor a book in breeches, but a man. The Peter Wrights and all the stupid people fail to recognize that the feminine spirit has a message for man; that men get from women mentally and spiritually what they cannot get from other men, a stimulus, a mental recreation which is extremely valu- able, and which such men as Glad- stone, and more lately and quite con- spicuously Woodrow Wilson, are al- ways looking for. That relation of the mind has its perils, no doubt, but is in itself as innocent as it is valu- able. Another thing the Peter Wriglhits do not understand is that some scandals. Crain Maxwe tt, Vice-President LANGHORNE Gipson, Secretary and Treasurer decent-living men come in their age to the condition of loving not so much individual women as woman- kind. Gladstone evidently had that affection. He talked to women of the street, to the scandal of men like Peter Wright, but so did Edmund Burke, another man with a great heart and great gifts of discourse, and concerned to save the world. All women are more or less sweet to such men. They want to save the mis- guided and they enjoy the company of the pretty and the good ones. You will find in the New Testament abundant examples of the same dis- position in the leading character of that remarkable compilation. ISHOP DIAZ says the Catholic Church will win in Mexico, but he strongly opposes intervention there by the United States. He is probably right in both par- ticulars. Intervention would do nothing but make mischief. It is very unlikely that there will be any, either to help the Catholics or the oil men and other grant owners, but with both of these complainants the Mex- ican Government in the end will have to play fair. Neither of them is likely to get all they want; both of them may hope to get as much as they ought to have, or if not quite that, at least some approximation to it. Mexico cannot do business un- less it protects just property rights. The prevailing religion in Mexico is Roman Catholic. That will go on, of course, but not necessarily without changes and concessions, and, let us hope, marked improvements. Mean- while New York seems a more com- fortable, as well as a more profitable, place for Bishop Diaz than Mexico, Disgruntled citizens often speak of giving the country back to the In- dians, but it is not really a practical suggestion. Much more to the point would be the proposal to give Texas back to Mexico. It would be a large medicament, but it would probably cure Mexico and perhaps all of Cen- tral America, and possibly it would cure Texas. hx SS EWSPAPERS say Henry Ford’s fortune is now as much as two billion dollars. Henry does not say so, but various experts have figured on it and it may be true. An incom- prehensible amount of money and yet in a way important; not interesting just as a mass, but quite interesting for the emphasis that it gives to the mind of Henry Ford! For that is a very interesting mind, and one of half a dozen or fewer minds of men that have changed human life in this generation. The English periodicals constantly discuss Henry, and any thoughtful person who looks across the Atlantic and sees what is going on here is apt to take thought about Henry Ford. That helps to explain why the size of Henry’s fortune is important. He is not a safe deposit vault nor even a bank, but something like a projectile with all these mi} lions back of his nose. What is he going to do with them, or they with him? What else is he going to do to this world? He has done a lot already and is still go- ing strong and thinking out new manceuvres. Two billions! All that power be- hind Henry Ford, and anything one ean think of liable to happen in this world in the next ten years and to call for medication ! The control of these vast sums by individuals is an extremely interest- ing and important factor in con- temporary life. Mr. Rockefeller has been a great example of it. Mr. Ford seems to be about as unlike Mr. Rockefeller as they come, but it may turn out that they are both on the job to improve human life. E. S. Martin.

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ieieetiarean | s oa) A GY WARE of PENNA & SMITH of wa G97 — 4 NN SSS Mr.Coolidge > Ns ~ A W.B. WHEBLERL

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“THE SHOW SEEMS TO BE A BIG HIT.” “yrs, IT’S THE LAST WORD IN SEX PLAYS. THEY DRAMA- TIZED THE COMPOSITE PICTURES IN THE TABLOIDS.” Dutiful Doris HE is considerate. She never wakens anybody when she comes in. If the family is already up she is cheerful and agreeable. She is not extravagant. Many times, rather than exceed her allowance, she has had things charged. She is respectful. “She listens to her father and mother tell of when they were eighteen with the ut- most patience. She is unselfish. ounce with a friend. She would share her father’s last McCready Huston. Interpretative Poem AID Mr. Blitz of Blitz & Morgenstein, “The aims of business never have been higher; To make the world a place more clean and fine Is what I work for, and my partner, Meyer.” Which reads, when into simple words translated, “Our profits must continue unabated.” Declared the Editor of the Daily Blare, “Our purpose is distinctly altruistic; The public welfare is our only care— Our sole concern, with things idealistic.” As who should say, in words not unsurprising, “This year we look for bigger advertising.” “The cause of Art I'll never cease to serve,” Said Jake McHokum, well-known theatre magnate ; “My high esthetic purpose shall not swerve, Nor will I let the people’s morals stagnate.” And hasn’t he the cutest way of saying How well he loves to see the people paying! D’Annunzio Cohen. Anything to Oblige N Anxious Reader writes to us as follows: “Sir—I have lately been ordered by my physician to abstain from fruit juice. My metabolism, it would seem, abhors the stuff—and should I so much as mention it, I am visited by sharp, angry pains. “Now this, per se, is unimportant. The answer would seem to be—lay off fruit juice. But there is a really serious aspect.to my prob- lem, and it is with this in mind that I approach you now. If I must divorce myself, for the time being, from oranges and lemons, what am I to do about the matter of cocktails? “Having been only seventeen years of age when Prohibition went into effect, I had no chance to familiarize myself with Martinis, Manhattans or other concoctions which, I am told, could be pre- pared without recourse to fruit juice. “If you will tell me how such cocktails are made, I shall cheer- fully subscribe for your amusing little journal for twenty years.” “Ste ~% j te he answer to this harrowing . plea, we may say that, under present conditions, it is legally impossible to make such potations as our young friend describes. If, however, he is really serious in his determination, and will be stopped by nothing, we suggest that he approach Congress and, by or- derly, peaceful methods, bring about the repeal of the Eighteenth Angel Chorus: Haw! Haw! HAW! MORE BUNK! TO SWEENEY. Spirit Medium: 1 JUST RECEIVED A MESSAGE FROM MY LIVING COUSIN. FAKE! Amendment to the United States Constitution, the Volstead Act to enforce the Eighteenth Amend- TELL IT ment, and sw statutes as m holic beverage Having acco proceed to any chase gin, rye in such quantiti O make a i 50 per cent. ian Vermouth, mouth may be¢ holic form, bul A Manhatta cent. Italian ' Whisky ands Other popil Metropolitan Vermouth, 50 Cocktail: 50 pa Italian Vermo ptate or prohibit lished t iable lic isky, b as he n ini Coc y gin w d shak hined he gin ocktai mouth, h of J ecipes ocktail Pr cent ent. D » 25 I

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| Tm = a halfs Comin’ SH im offering | su $s mi rages acco ) any rye antiti eal cent. outh, y bed n, bul hatta jan nd a yopul: olitan , 50 50 pe saad 99 for strike: today pece of Al hed On eve slay | y & Quoted Skelly, Lf. Bookkeeping Department i Highest Cash Prices paid for Passed Balls, Wild Pitches, ete: Im Showing a very fine line of dropped flies, Sir, at TeaSonable prices — Hows trade, Jack? | Rotten, Eddie, havent made ten dollars Since the third inning zl this money to the First Basemen’s National Shortstop, what have you in the way of HNN 4g tate or municipal laws or prohibit the lished this much, sale of alco- he should lable liquor dealer and pur- isky, brandy or applejack ashe may require. ini Cocktail, he should mix y gin with 50 per cent Ital- d shake well. (The Ver- bined even now in non-alco- he gin is another matter.) ocktail represents 50 per outh, 50 per sh of Bitte Ts, ecipes are as fol ocktail : 50 per fr cent. Brandy. . ent, Dry Gin, 25 » 25 per cent. cent. Rye lows: cent. Dry . Perfect > per cent. Dry Ver- The Grand Old Game mouth and an orange peel (if that’s allow- able)...Vermouth Cocktail: 100 per cent. Italian Vermouth, a dash of Bitters and an- other dash of Maraschino. . .Star Cocktail: 50 per cent. Italian Vermouth and 50 per cent. Applejack. WE hope that this serves to answer our correspondent’s request, and we wish him all sorts of luck. As to the twenty-year sub- scription, we suggest that he take out, instead, twenty subscriptions for one year. It would cost no more, and would make the circulation look better. Lire. The Correct Form EACHER: to say that you seen something. what should you say? “I heard it from a fellow who seen it.” Johnny, you know better than Now The Artful Dodger DITOR OF Beautiful Bodies: Have you got all those nude photographs lined up for the next issue? Assistant: Yes, here they are. Epitor: How many sex stories have you ready with illustrations? Assistant: Four. Epiror: Have you got plenty of spicy fillers selected ? Assistant: Yes—some unusually hot stuff. Epitor: Good. Take down this editorial on purity. Stark Realism ONES is the most brutally frank busi- ness man in town.” “How so?” “When he remits m payment, he writes: “You have already found the enclosed check.’ ”

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20 More or Less Serious An American Tragedy. handed realism. The Barker. Biltmore—A good evening's en- tertainment among the circus folk, with Walter Huston heading the cast. Longacre—Heavy- Caponsacchi. Hampden's—‘The Ring and the Book"’ made into a costume play for Walter Hampden. The Captive. it is a fine play. Empire—Pathological or not, Civic Repertory. (14th St.)\—Eva'Le Gallienne and her company making a brave stab at some- thing ‘worth while.” The Constant Nymph. Cori—The novel dealt with tenderly and effectively. The Dark. Lyceuwm—Refined Grand Guignol. Fog. National—A melodrama by the author of “The Cat and the Canary." To be reviewed next week. Honor Be Damned! Morosco—Something written by Willard Mack for Willard Mack. Laboratory Theatre (East 58th St.) —Interesting experiments, better done than most The Ladder. Waldorf—Boosting the theory of reincarnation, but not very tar. Lady Alone. Forrest—Alice Brady in a little tragedy which grows in- creasingly poignant as it nears its end. Lulu Belle. Belasco—Lenore Ulric, with Henry Hull, showing what happens to a colored girl who has a lot of fun going wrong. Ned McCobb’s Daughter. John Golden—One of the best plays in town. With Clare Eames and Alfred Lunt. The Noose. Hudson—Fairly reg- ulation melodrama. Off Key. Belmont—With Florence - hg Eldridge and McKay Morris. To be reviewed next week. Pinwheel. Neighborhood—To be reviewed next week. Sex. Daly’s — Not even good enough to be censored. The Squall. Forty-Eighth St.— Dealing with something new in the theatre—sex-appeal. Trapped. Garrick—Formerly “For Better or Worse."’ Mostly worse. The Wandering Jew. Cosmopol- itan—An elaborate presentation of an old legend. Comedy and Things Like That Abie’s Irish Rose. Republic—An affront to public morals which should be stopped by the police. The Adventurous Age. Mansfield —With Mrs. Patrick Campbell. To be reviewed next week. Broadway. Broadhurst—A_ swell all-around show. Chicago. Music Box—Hilarious kidding of our official handling of crime. Should be seen both for enter- tainment and instruction. The Constant Wife. Maxine Elliott’s—Something for Ethel Barry- more to embellish—which she does. COURT I ’ Owing to the time it takes to print Lire, readers should verify from the daily newspapers the continuance of the attractions at the theatres mentioned. The Devil in the Cheese. Charles Hopkins— A rather nice fantasy. Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. Times Square— If you laughed at the book you ought to laugh at this, especially as it has June Walker and Edna Hibbard in it. Lally. Greenwich Village—To be next week. reviewed New York Exchange. Foriy- Ninth St.—More about the elderly ladies who rent their Lotharios. Hardly worth your time. The Night Hawk. Frolic—Dealing with the not-uninteresting subject of glandular rejuvena- tion. Carroll McComas is the lucky girl. Pygmalion. Guild—Lynn Fontanne in Shaw. _The Road to Rome. Playhouse—Jane Cowl giving a very pleasant and plausible reason for Hannibal's failure to capture Rome. Saturday’s Children. Booth—A quietly_im- portant little play about early married life. With Ruth Gordon. Sinner. Klaw—To be reviewed next week The Strawberry Blonde. viewed next week, Bijou—To be re- (VINER MEY “AND WHOSE LITTLE GIRL ARE You?” Child (patiently): UNDER THE LATEST RULING BY THE AM FATHER’S FOUR MONTHS OF THE MOTHER’S FOUR MONTHS OF THE TIME, AND TACHED STATE PROPERTY THE REMAINDER OF THE YEAR, UNAT- Tommy. Gaiety—Clean as a whistle and more amusing. Trelawny of the Wells. New Amsterdam— Reviewed in this issue. Two Girls Wanted. Little—Pleasant. The Wooden Kimono. Martin Beck—Bur- lesque melodrama. Eye and Ear Entertainment Bye, Bye, Bonnie. ’ Rits—Probably your money’s worth. Countess Maritza. Forty-Fourth St.—A high- class score. Criss-Cross. Globe—Fred Stone pleasing his customary thousands. The Desert Song. Casino—A good musical comedy, with Vivienne Segal and Eddie Buzzell. Gay Paree. Winter Garden—Chic Sale and one of the better Winter Garden shows. Honeymoon Lane. Knickerbocker—Eddie + mae in a successful attempt to entertain the public. : I Told You So. Forty-Sixth St.— Sam Bernard in a 1927 version of “The Rich Mr. Hoggenheimer.” Judy. Royale—To be reviewed next week. The Nightingale, Jolson—Eleanor Painter in a singing show. Oh, Kay! Im perial—Gertrude Lawrence sailing pleasantly along, accompanied by Victor Moore and Oscar Shaw. Oh, Please! Fulton—Something for Beatrice Lillie to kid as only she can. Charles Winninger lends able assistance. Peggy-Ann. Vanderbilt — Helen Ford and awfully nice music. The Pirates of Penzance. Plymouth —A Gilbert and Sullivan feast. Queen High. 1 mbassador—Prac- tically the dean of current musical shows and still good. Luella Gear, Frank McIntyre and Charles Ruggles The Ramblers. Lyric—Plenty of burlesque room for Clark and Mc- Cullough, which is as it should be. Rio Rita. Ziegfeld—Reviewed in this issue. Rose-Marie. Century—You know as well as we do. Scandals. A pollo—George White's best show. Twinkle, Twinkle. Liberiy—Some laughs from Joe Brown. Vanities. Earl Carroll — Julius Tannen, Moran and Mack and the customary Carroll galaxy, aided by several stars from London. _ Yours Truly. in this issue. No Complaint " HAT do you think of those stories hitting at Gladstone’s moral charac- ter?’ “T’ve had one of his bags for six years and it’s always given me good service.” Shubert—Reviewed TIME, Ot to a tical and, nical] Mr. 3 As Ziegt grate Ther all k figure close: A’ namie with one 1 music Ann’ tion Fo Robe thing by it simp] do CO as th Th by th from this cver A is ha Haro The « comer work and again L} Laur

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Tan-rant-ara ! UR prediction, a few weeks ago, that some day a theatre would be built which did not jam its patrons to a pulp in the passageway behind the seats was prac- tically uncanny. Such a theatre has already been built and, what is more, opened. And opened to what is tech- nically known as a “fanfare.” Need we add that it is Mr. Ziegfeld’s new theatre? Aside from the ease of entering and exiting from the Ziegfeld, there are several features which are _ grateful, but we do not know how to describe them. There is quite a lot of gold around the proscenium and all kinds of medieval prankery going on among the figures in the mural decoration. And that just about closes our architectural notes for the weck. A> for the production which opened the Ziegfeld, we +4 are violating no confidence in letting it out that its name is “Rio Rita.” It is a musical comedy dealing with Mexico and will serve. The music is not so nice as one might expect from the authors of “Irene’’ but no music this season (with the exception of that in “Peggy- Ann”) seems as nice as one might expect. The produc- tion (which includes the young ladies) is very beautiful. For comedy we have Miss Ada May and the Messrs. Robert Woolsey and Bert Wheeler, and when given any- thing at all approximating a funny line they do nobly by it. You can’t expect much from lines like “It is simply magnolious!”” but Messrs. Woolsey and Wheeler do contrive a very funny and sadistic slapping act just as the show is about to close. The high spot of the evening is a Moonlight Ballet by the Albertina Rasch dancers, and this tribute comes from one to whom most ballets are so much poison. But this particular one seemed quite the loveliest we have ever seen. A great deal of energetic soprano and tenor work is handled by Ethelind Terry and the upstanding J. Harold Murray, and the villainy by Vincent Serrano. The devilish motoreycle in the first act which brings the comedians on with a barrage of gas explosions is the work of the Indian Motorcycle Co. of Springfield, Mass., and we have already asked the courts for an injunction against them. [KE the ameba, Mr. Ziegfeld has divided into ancther entity and Mr. Gene Buck, formerly Poet- Laureate of the Ziegfeld court, has gone into business 21 for himself. “Yours Truly” is out of the same box as all Ziegfeld shows, even to the high green hedges, the long costumes on long, beautiful girls descending long, beautiful staircases, and Leon Errol. And it makes quite as good entertainment as the rest. The music is, if anything, a little pleasanter than that in “Rio Rita” (if you liked a song a few years ago called “I Might Be Your Once-in-Awhile” you will like Mr. Hubbell’s “Somebody Else’’) and the singing is done with much less gusto and effort. Miss Marion Harris, in particular, late of the two-a-day and Bruns- wick records, has a voice which effects a maximum heart- leverage with a minimum of work, and, if she would care to at all, she may come and sing to us for the rest of our life. Mr. Errol is again Mr. Errol, which is a comfort. We often complain that our comedians never change their lines, but when they do we wish them back again. It is not for nothing that an act is built up through years of testing and elimination to a point where it becomes popular. When a comedian has such a treasure, he does well to hang onto it. And, although we were never one to scream at drunks on the stage, we think we like Mr. Errol best when he is his old unsteady self, catching his ear on the corner of a building or tottering to what looks like instant death. In this connection, Harry Kelly has decided to discard his parson’s whiskers and powdered mouth and do his stuff straight. And all we could think of was the days when he used to present Lizzie, the fish-hound, in the best possible light as an entertainer, which, Heaven knows, was none too good. WE dropped in on “Trelawny of the ‘Wells’” pre- pared to take a brief look at the assembled stars, smile indulgently at the old play, see how inferior the present performance of Gadd was to that with which we scored a personal triumph in the Jamaica Plain Foot- light Club, and go on to the next theatre. One by one we saw them come on, John Drew, Mrs. Whiffen, Wilton Lackaye, Helen Gahagan, Henrietta Crosman, Otto Kruger, Rollo Peters, Estelle Winwood, Pauline Lord, Effie Shannon, Lawrence D’Orsay, O. P. Heggie and enough others to use up countless kilowatts. For no good reason at all, all this was surprisingly thrilling. And as the old Pinero story progressed to its inevita- ble conclusion, we still stood up back waiting to be bored enough to leave. Imagine our surprise, then, when John Drew buckled on Kean’s sword, to find ourself crying softly. Robert Benchley.

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ia A [ise Prpeo SuPer =| Vacuum CLEANER vas | POSITIVELY GuaAR3 EX | ANTEED To REMOVE ‘A y\/ ALL DUST & DIRT! FREE DEMONSTRATION ————==> = = “HUH, CHARLIE! THEY'LL HAVE TO “WELL, MISTER, GIVE US A DEMON- prove THAT TO Us! STRATION. AND I'LL TELL THE WORLD YOU RE GOOD IF YOU CAN GET ALL THE DIRT OFF CHARLIE!” Thoughts of a Girl Superfluous Traveling LERK: We have some very nice (0SH I wonder if I’m on the right oatmeal soap to-day. train heavens what on earth did Mrs. Younesrive: No, thanks. I do with my ticket I wonder if it’s We never wash our oatmeal. in my bag what if Johnny shouldn’t meet me gosh what a fix I’d be in if we didn’t meet I wonder if that man over there is trying to pick me up the impudent thing gosh I wish this skirt would stay down it is frightfully short when I cross my legs but what’s the diff it’s the style and my legs are rather good at that but I think he’s got an awful nerve to keep star- ing that way heavens I forgot all about looking for that damned ticket if it’s not in my bag what'll I do here comes the conductor I’ll bet I’m on the wrong train any- ways I simply know that man is trying to pick me up well he’s rather nice-looking any- ways gosh I wish this skirt would stay down.... Lloyd Mayer. Malicious Mischief HE inebriate in the re- volving door was going round and round. There’s Life in the Old Suit Yet! FIND bills from various tailors (I am always dunned; my trailers , Seem to fancy that my money grows on trees) ; / Also several little pencils, an assort- ment of utensils, Such as openers and pocket knives and keys. There’s addresses roughly scribbled, and a chocolate bar half-nib- bled, That has thawed and left the pock- et in a mess; There is half a box of matches that are quite immune from scratches, And a thousand other objects, more or less. But the end of my inspection of this curious collection Sends my head aloft in boundless realms sublime— And my joy exceeds all measure—if I find a little treasure Like a_ long-forgotten, slender silver dime Carroll Carroll. Journalistic Portraits Henry L. Mencken E is a fierce fellow who works feverishly at dis- liking the Methodists till three o'clock every morning, except Tuesdays and Fridays, when he dislikes the Baptists. He commutes from Balti- more to edit the Mercury, a magazine found in the desk drawer of every good Ro- tarian. He was joint editor of the Smart Set when it was smart. He sees as many things to disturb him as Glenn Frank and writes about them in a vocabulary larger than Percy Hammond’s. He is the Dr. Frank Crane of the intelligentsia. He is orthodox only on the subject of medicine, and on that he waxes Kiwanian. He can take a drink or let “Hey, you, whatsa mat- Nervous Lady (to window washer): oH, MISTER, it alone, ter?” called the doorman. HADN’T YOU BETTER WEAR A BELT? He is an editorial writer “Fellow ahead of me musta Window Washer (politely): No; suspENDERS Does who has turned professional. tore tha phone off tha wall!” VERY NICELY, MA’AM. McC. H.

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fl mn W// Mee i) yi i Ih. » i] ba Wis sae my WG el Guce Poms * > “iWUM, YES! END, I'LL HAVE A NICE TENDER MINUTE STEAK, RARE AT ONE WELL DONE AT THE OTHER, NOT TOO THICK AND COOKED TO MAKE IT A RICH BROWN ON THE TOP AND PALE GRAY UNDERNEATH.” “ves, sir! ? “STEAK!” Why Buy a Saxophone? OOR Melcia; it was dreadful the way her husband embarrassed her. It wasn’t the things Winton said, or his actions, but rather the things he didn't say. How mortified she had been that evening at the Van Dorg- heims’ when Reggie had asked him his opinion of Gauguin’s influence on modern painting, and Winton had to admit that he had never heard of the eccentric French artist. Then there was that dinner with the Brufftons, which had started and ended with a discussion of “The Procurator of Judea,’ and Winton had remained silent throughout the entire conversation. Things had gone from bad to worse, and were still going. It was seldom now that they received an in- vitation to go among those people who really were somebody. Poor Melcia. “Why don’t you read fa more?” Melcia asked, in a and many nights that he should have spent planning another subdivision he devoted to diligent study. It was only a few short months before , the old crowd started com - ing around pleading tone. “But I haven’t time; anyway, I don’t like to read.” Melecia grew more dis- contented every day. Then, because Winton loved her, he decided to make an ef- fort to win back her old friends. He bought a book, “JACK SEEMS VERY ANXIOUS TO GET MARRIED.” “YES, HE PROPOSED TO ME, TOO.” again. First they came singly, then in couples, and before another month had passed they came in droves. They came before breakfast and after breakfast; before midnight and after midnight, and always they brought along a bottle of liquor; for Winton had studied chemistry and could analyze it for them. Spencer A. Spencer. From a Club Chair HAVE yet to see a woman walk out of a beauty parlor who didn't look as if she believed it. * * x It would be singularly appropriate if, when a university’s School of Fine Arts starts teaching drama- turgy, the School of Commerce would arrange a course in ticket speculation. * * * The theatre, at the present time, is not holding a mirror up to life, but a keyhole. * * x” I was certain from the first that we wouldn’t have war with Mexico. That could never furnish enough dollar-a-year round, James Kevin McGuinness. jobs to go

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No Reason To Bettye: Ave You BEEN READING ANYTHING LATELY? Hlettye: wuy, NO—1 HAVEN’T BEEN SICK. Life and Letters HE contents of the package from the publishers didn’t look very promising. First there was “Harangue,” by Garet Garrett (Dutton), the jacket of which de- clared that a group of fiery young radicals meet in a little room in Jones Street, New York, and found the Freeman's League, which, fune- tioning in the Middle West, unites the farmers, fights predatory inter- ests, etc., and that this novel about them is one of the most daring eco- nomic experiments presented in American fiction, which is my idea of no place for any kind of economic experiment to be presented. The next offering I fished out was “Hula,” by Armine von ‘Tempski (Stokes), a romance of Hawaii in which an English engineer-finds in a whisky and racehorse environment “the young daughter of the house, growing like an hibiscus flower, flam- ing, tropical, with her too-generous nature, her too-violent and hates...” Then there “The Black Bloodhound,” by Farnham Bishop (Little, Brown), the tale of a terrible pirate, not for one whose antipathy to sea-going fiction blinds her to its noblest purveyors. There was even “The Murders in Lovers’ Lane,” by James C. Tunton (Small, Maynard), the outstretched bodies under a crabapple tree identifying its contents on the jacket, and a cursory perusal convincing this slave to mys- tery stories that their authors should make them up out of their own heads. Suddenly, after several similar dis- ever loves was appointments, came the dawn. “Abe Martin’s Hoss Sense and Nonsense,” by Kin Hubbard (Bobbs-Merrill), was at the bottom of the heap. Those who are not familiar with the wise-cracks which Abe Martin, radi- ating by syndicate from the Indian- apolis News, makes every morning in various newspapers throughout the land can do no better than seize upon this installment of his annual compilations as an_ introduction. Here are some of the samples which I liked best: “Mrs. Lafe Bud worries so much ever’ night about her maid not show- in’ up th’ next mornin’ that her doctor has advised her t’ do her own work till she gits t’ feelin’ stronger.” “It’s just about got so th’ only safe way t’ reach th’ other side o’ th’ street is t’ cross with a cow.” “rf along a couple walks_ like th’ woman arrested they're married.” “Occasionally a good housekeeper dies a nat- ural death, but most of them fall off stepladders.” “Miss Mayme Moon wants t’ know if Smedley Butler is liable t’ show up at any party, or whether he has t’ be invited.” (Cont. on page 36) was Sayings of Sophisticated Sara DON’T believe in long engage- ments, though in unusual eases they might last two weeks. Once a girl is engaged she should always get married, though necessarily to her fiancé. Poverty is all right for the first years of married life, if you love the man and have money of your own. Young couples should live with the husband's people the first year, After that there is comparatively no danger of his ever failing to support a home of his own. Never marry a man before you've gone with him to enough musical shows to find out what he laughs at, Out in the car it is better to in- sist on the man’s driving. A man should be made to feel that he is in command, and especially if he isn't. McC. H. not So Big PerRsT EXTRA: That leading man sure has the swelled head. Extra: Swelled head? Listen, he'd have to pin back his ears to get through the Grand Canyon. a SECOND , \ . ‘ ) a : f “1 WONDER WHO STARTED THAT EXPRESSION, ‘I HOPE TO TELL you’ ?” “PROBABLY SOME HUSBAND.”

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Here’s the way the picture was made and— Here’s the actual picture—made, as illustrated above with a Kodak and Kodak Portrait Attachment. Kodak Portrait At- tachment is just an extra dens. Price $0.50 and $0.75. Close-ups with a Kodak give new zest to picture-making. Just slip a Kodak Portrait Attachment over the regular lens equipment—it’s done as soon as said—and the subject is brought into sharp focus at close-up range, within arm’s length if you like. The result is big images— informal head-and-shoulder portraits fill the print; studies of flowers, of family heirlooms and other relatively small subjects register in satisfying size. And informal portraiture is just something more added to the day in and day out pleasure of picture-making the Kodak way—just another reason why you'll want to get your Kodak out and keep it busy. Price of Kodak Portrait Attachment is $0.50 and $0.75 according to size, Autographic Kodaks $5 up. At your dealer’s, Eastman Kodak Company, Rochester, N.Y ., rie Kodak city a

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Te Not So Optimistic AST week I announced, for this issue, reviews of Harold Lloyd’s “The Kid Brother” and Buster Keaton’s “The General.” The paragraph containing this proclama- tion was headed “Optimistic Note” — and now, having seen both pictures, I’m compelled to concede that this was unduly hopeful. Neither of them is up to the Lloyd or Keaton standard of humor. That doesn’t mean, however, that I wouldn’t rather see either of them again than ninety-eight one-hun- dredths of the films that fate and the nature of my job force me to view. “The Kid Brother” N his latest product, Harold Lloyd returns to the character but not to the mood of “Grandma’s Boy,’ his finest picture. He appears as a timid, unobtrusive lad who has to stay home and do the housework while the more stalwart members of his family have all the excitement and all the fun. One day, in an emergency, a

ILENT DRAKA Life sheriff’s badge is pinned on his coat and, like the umbrella handle in “Grandma’s Boy,” it does something to him. He suddenly becomes a hero and bests two burly villains. “The Kid Brother” has plenty of action, but not nearly so many loud laughs as one has a right to expect from Harold Lloyd. Most of the mirth, indeed, is limited to one scene wherein a monkey walks away with the picture. “The General”’ USTER KEATON shows signs of vaulting ambition in “The General”; he appears to be attempt- ing to enter the “epic” class. That he fails to get across is due to the scantiness of his material as com- pared with the length of his film; he has also displayed woefully bad judgment in deciding just where and when to stop. In the latter connection, some one should have told Buster that it is dif- ficult to derive laughter from the sight of men being killed in battle. Many of his gags at the end of the picture are in such gruesomely bad taste that the sympathetic spectator is inclined to look the other way. HE GENERAL” has some grand scenes. Two aged loco- motives chase each other through the heart of the Civil War zone, and the ingenuity displayed by Buster Kea- ton in keeping these possibly tedious chases alive is little short of incred- ible. In spite of its pretentious propor- tions, “The General” is not nearly so good as Raymond Griffith’s Civil War comedy, “Hands Up.” Query HAT,” writes a Mr. Perkins, of Vermont, “are the current pictures of the widest appeal? “The Big Parade’ or ‘What Price Glory’ are liked best by men, and ‘The Scarlet Letter’ by women; but what are the pictures that hit everybody— young or old, male or female, high- brow or lowbrow?” That’s a hard one to answer. Off- hand, I should nominate “Beau Geste” and “The Fire Brigade.” R. E. Sherwood.

Paradise for Two. Richard Dix ina weak little comedy about another of those trick wills. The Night of Love. Terribly com- plicated romantic drama involving dukes and gypsies, with Ronald Colman and Vilma Banky. The Potters. W. C. funny. The Music Master. Sugary and frail. Blonde or Brunette. Adolphe Men- jou is thoroughly happy as the bone of contention between two beautiful women. The Perfect Sap. The entertaining story of a young man who would be a detective. Valencia. than the plot. Fields is very Even the song is no staler <p; f O\SORS, 2 ti \\ —— = ere l — a—~ A err © eV eee ee Recent Developments Nobody’s Widow. assisted by Charles Ray, delightful comedy. The Winning of Barbara Worth. Old-fashioned Western stuff in a Tiffany setting. Twinkletoes. Colleen Moore, with “rings for her fingers and tears for her crown,” in one of those stories “of old Chinatown.” Hotel Imperial. A series of interest- ing but pointless photographic effects, with Pola Negri and a good cast. Tell It to the Marines. Lon Chaney doesn’t need elaborate make-up to be a fine actor, as his performance herein con- clusively proves. Leatrice Joy, ably in a light but Se —

Old Bill and other Bairnsfather characters effectively por- trayed in a rowdy Syd Chaplin comedy. The Better ’Ole. Ben-Hur. It’s been a great year for Christianity, what with “Ben-Hur,” Bruce Barton and Cecil B. De Mille. Flesh and the Devil. They say that John Gilbert and Greta Garbo have been married—and after their behavior in this film, it’s just as well. Don Juan. There’s a new John Barty- more love-fest on the market. It’s called “When a Man Loves” and will be re viewed next week. 2 What Price Glory, The Fire Bri- gade, The Scarlet Letter, Old Iron- sides, The Big Parade and Beau Geste are all more than worthy of attention. a. ne * ta LA Ia A {7 PS Ne ~~ ~

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e No wonder everyone is an old salt at heart! OU'LL like motor cruising right from the start... nearly everybody does. But you can’t appreciate its thrills, or the pleasure it can bring, until you have seen your boat plough through blue-green waters and have felt on your cheek the caress of salt sea breezes. You feel and act like a different person the moment you board an Elco Cruiser. Your heart beats a little faster...there’s a new light in your eye. Forgotten are your cares and business worries as you start dreaming of sunshiny days afloat, and nights of wondrous beauty. Who wants to grow old and staid and unadventurous? Start planning now for a glorious summer afloat. Write for Elco Pamphlet L, which describes in detail the latest models of standardized cruisers. LCO cruisers are built on a_ production basis —just as high grade motor cars are built — with a resultant saving in manufacturing costs. This insures you the greatest possible value for the money you spend. STANDARDIZED CRUISERS Built since 1892

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Landlord (to Prospective Tenant): COULDN'T HAVE A TIVES. FOR A CROWN A MONTII, OF COURSE, I Ups and Downs Broapway Thespians playing in Boston are all heated up over a press dispatch printed in that town the other week. In telling of the death of a prominent man, it said, “He was at one time an office boy, but met with reverses and became an actor.”"—New York Morning Telegraph. A Real Newspaper Beat StraNGE phenomenon recorded by This Week in Sarasota: “Mr. and Mrs. Lee Brown (Miss Elizabeth Reaves) will be interested to learn that they have a son who was born in a New York hos- pital Monday afternoon.” —American Mercury. Wr’tt say this for the tabloids: They’re making it difficult for anybody to burlesque them.—New York World. TreatricaL Maxim: He who laughs last is not an usher.—Detroit News. STARTLING REVELATION OF ONE ME- DIAEVAL WORKER WHO DID NOT PUT A LIFE-TIME INTO HIS JOB. —Yale Record. THERE, NICER LITTLE DUNGEON FOR YOUR CAP- ABSOLUTELY WITHOUT AIR, NICE AND DAMP, AND ALL SHALL CHARGE A LITTLE FOR THE EXCELLENT FIXTURES. —Humorist (London). “Aut Scissors aut Nullus”’ His Own Object Lesson A wWELIL-KNowN artist rolled into a London club bar obviously under the influence of drink. A friendly member took him in hand and told him he would have to pull himself together. T he budding genius answered, “Yes, I am a darned fool. In fact, I am one of those chaps my father always warned me against.” —Tatler (London). sIR, YOU A Dual Réle Anorner thing a girl can do that you'd think would be a physical im- possibility if you didn't see it actually demon- strated is to act masculine and independ- ent and feminine and dependent at prac- tically one and the same time. —Ohio State Journal, HIAVE TO “crumsy Foo! LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU'RE THROUGH STEPPING ON MY FEET.” —Le Rire (Paris). That Was a Good Party Jounny had been the guest of honor the day before at a party to which his little chum Tommy had not been invited. After hearing all about it Tommy said to Johnny: “Have a good time, Johnny?” “Did I!” answered Johnny. I’m not hungry yet!”—Liberty. “Why, The Tender Leaves of Hope “Young orient lady went travel Europ, wishes to meet a really gentleman very rich for promenade and to have enjoyment together with good relations. join photo please. Write Waste to the Sourire wait a_ month for ansower.”—Adv. in Le Sourire (Paris). Grete, the rich ones don’t promenade; they Hispano-Suiza—New Yorker. “Ane they poisoning the liquor up your way?” “Naw. They don’t have to.” —Lehigh Burr. A Scorrisn biographical reference book is contemplated. There is some idea of calling it “Wha’s Wha?” —Eve (London). “OH, I BEG YOU, DON’T STAND ON CEREMONY; DO HAVE LUNCHEON WITHOUT ME!” —L’Intransigeant (Paris), Moderate Enthusiasm As the audience was departing from the Bach program which Stokowski and his Philadelphia Orchestra gave at Car- negie Hall recently, an enthusiastic young miss asked her male escort, “Didn't you just love the concert?” , “Well, I didn’t love it exactly,” he re- plied, “but I respected it.” —Musical Courier. Bright Sayings of Betty Lirtte Exizanetu (as silence becomes oppressive at her mother’s reception): Mummy, why are all these people so dull? Why don’t you tell them some of the funny things I say? Boston Transcript. “Tiere is one thing about having gone to college,” said the capitalist as the nineteenth classmate that day was leav- ing. “I'll never have to buy my bonds from a stranger.”—Outlook. We gather from a lady’s fashion paper that girls will be wearing their legs longer this summer.—Punch. Wife: BOTHER IT, ’'LL HAVE TO GO INTO TOWN AGAIN TO-MoRROW! THIS DRESS I SHOPLIFTED DOESN’T SUIT ME A SCRAP. —Smith’s Weekly (Sydney).

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29 CS ae What Do You Mean ‘“‘Saved’ ! “NOTICE “Will the person who saved $50 in currency from the cash drawer during the fire which threatened the store Tuesday night return the same at once.—Moyer Hardware Store. “THANKS “The services which were rendered by volun- teers in the small blaze which threatened this store Tuesday night were deeply appreciated.— Moyer Hardware Store.” —Rantoul (Ill.) Press. “Awp that,” said the old servant, “is tact."—New York Herald Tribune. The Plain Truth Lavy (interviewing applicant): Why did you leave your last place? Marv: Because master kissed me, mum. Lapy: And you didn’t like it, eh? Main: Oh, I didn’t mind it; it was the mistress who didn’t like it. —Boston Transcript. In a Pinch, use ALLEN’S FOOT-EASE | jpajy: ave yer MATE? I'M Bravura Younc Woman (in large musical-in- strument shop): I want a tin-whistle. SuopKrePer (with dignity): We do not stock cylindrical flageolets.—Punch. FOUND ANYTHINK, LOOKIN’ FER A FRIEND. George Belcher, in The Tatler (London). More Spite Work “Ir seems to me,” remarked the small boy who had been thoughtfully reading the paper, “that it must be dangerous to marry women. I get the idea that in the first place they marry you for your money; if they don’t manage to take all of it they leave you and sue you for ali- mony; and if they fail at that, then they outlive you to get your life insurance.” —Detroit News. Teas nful of Abbott's Bitters on half Grape Fruit, a delightful breakfast tonic. Sample bitters by mall, 25 cts. in stamps. C. W. Abbott & Co., Ba:timore, Md, Suggested Joke for the Harvard Lampoon First Cotteck Boy: Were you kicked by a horse? Seconp Cotitece Boy Namep Hupparp: No, I am a Harvard man who played football against Princeton. —Chicago Evening Post. “Georce,” said the engaged girl, “I want to ask you a question.” “Yes?” George murmured, “Tell me, if you had never met me would you have loved me just the same?” Pearson’s Weekly (London). FER A NOVELTY Lir published every Thursday, simultaneously in the United States, Great Britain, Canada and British Possessions. Title registered in U. S. Patent Office. $5.00 a year in advance. Additional postage to foreign countries in the Postal Union, $1.60 a year; to Canada, 80 cents. Back numbers cannot be supplied. The text and illustrations in Lire are copyrighted. For Reprint Rights t Great Britain apply to Lire, Rolls House, Breams Buildings, Fetter ndon, E. C., England. The foreign trade supplied Lire’s London Office, Rolls House, Breams Buildings, London, E. Canadian distributor, The American News Company, Ltd., 386-388 St. James Street, Montreal, Canada. No contributions will be returned unless accompanied by stamped and addressed envelope. Lire docs not hold itself responsible for the loss or non-return of unsolicited contributions. Notice of change of address should reach this office to the date of issue to be affected. irom ESTABLISHED 1818 yvohs Aoreihent CTESLOTHINGS Gentlemens Furnishing Goods, MADISON AVENUE COR. FORTY-FOURTH STREET, WN. Y. At this time we wish to call especial attention to our Custom Department The complete assortment of Materials for Spring and Summer Clothing is now in Stock Ready made Clothing Furnishings, Hats, Shoes, Leather Goods for Men & Boys Send for Brooxs’s Miscellany While we have no seasonal “sales”, there are al- ways in our stock articles reduced from 10 to 30 per cent., or more. This presents an opportunity to buy good merchandise at less than market prices BOSTON PALM BEACH NEWPORT LITTLE BUILDING PLAZA BUILDING AUORAIN BUILDING Tremont con. Cevuntr Reaco 220 Beutvve Avenve AN EASTER PORTRAI Bachrach A MOST APPRECIATED GIFT BECAUSE OF ITS SENTIMENT, BEAUTY AND LONG LIFE ARRANGE FOR YOUR SITTING TODAY OF DISTINCTION 607 FIFTH AVENUE, NEW YORK

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te Well known in Hollywood— ROMANCE SELECTIONS and Miss LaurRA LAPLANTE Universal star Tat need not be an idle dream. Next summer, when the diredor calls “READY CAMERA,” in HoLLywoon, there are going to be guests of the makers of ROMANCE CHOCOLATES there, watching it all in chairs reserved for them. They will meet and chat with the Stars personally. For one glorious week they will be a part of the life of HoLtywoop. The SECOND ANNUAL ROMANCE-HOLLYWOOD CONTEST gives you that opportunity. Take advantage of it. - tow to~*>, Write for the Movies / R oMANCE SELECTIONS at $1.00 makes friends wherever it goes, for its wide assortment pleases everyone. The illustrated book- let, ‘How to Write for the Movies,” packed in each box, may help you in the contest. 1. $. CONDITIONS The winner will be the author of the most orig- inal, interesting, and practical synopsis or plot for a motion piéture based on a human experience in which a box of ROMANCE CHOCOLATES plays a prominent part. Literary ability will not be considered, but in case of a tie, the neatness and attractiveness of the presentation will determine the winner. No manuscript shall be more than 1500 words in length. . The winner, and a companion of his or her choosing, will be given a trip to Hollywood, including visits to the studios during a week's stay there, with all expenses paid. In addition, the fifty most worthy plots will have careful consideration by the scenario department of one of the large distributing companies, and if any are purchased, the full purchase price will be remitted to the author. . The Judges will be: Mr. JAMES R. Quirk, Publisher of Photoplay. Mr. Rosert E. SHERWOOD, Editor of Ge. Mr. FREDERICK JAMES SMITH, Critic for Liberty. . There is nothing to buy in order to enter the Contest. The illustrated booklet, ‘‘How to Write for the Mories,’’ is simply to help contestants. Entries should be sent to Conteff Manager, Cox CONFECTIONERY COMPANY, Boston 28, Massa- chusetts, and must be received there before the close of business on June 1, 1927. MMANCE CHOCOLATES Mrs. Pep’s Diary (Continued from page 12) watermelon rind with my breakfast grits as in the days of my youth, when persons beholding me would prophesy that I should rue such indiscretion, but Lord! I had liefer have enjoyed it once and resign it than never have enjoyed it at all, Not that watermelon rind in itself js much of a memory.. . . However, come what may in the matter of invalid- ism, I hope that I do never develop into one of those women who are always feeling a draught and want- ing the temperature of any room they enter altered. To a large luncheon this noon, whereat the talk did once drift to the symptoms of somebody's defective child, but I did contribute nought to that conversation, recog- nizing amongst its subject’s vagaries so many predilections identical with my own, in especial a fondness for pickles and an indifference to the hour for eating them, and it would not surprise me if the poor little wretch, if kept away from the psy- choanalysts, grew up to confound her critics. We did discourse, too, on the synonymity of adolescence and sartorial idiosyncrasy, and I do well recall how I once contemplated sui- cide because my mother would not let me wear the shirtwaist and skirt costume so popular with many of my contemporaries, and I do also re- member that my first taffeta petti- coat convinced me that Heaven had been reached at a single bound. Home betimes, and finding our Katie in the doldrums, largely, I fancied, because of the groundhog’s having seen his shadow, I did send her forth at once for fresh air and diversion, so Sam and I later to din- ner at an inn, whereat I was im- pressed with the reflection that there seems to be an unwritten law that a table d’héte, however costly, shall serve but five oysters for its open- ing course. Baird Leonard. 7 , ‘ 4 is “ONE, TWO, THREE...ONLY TWENTY PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE! WE’D BETTER CALL OFF THE PERFORMANCE.” “IMPOSSIBLE, LADDIE—THEY ALL HAVE FREE SEATS.” —Ezcelsior (Mezico City).

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Life Septic (4 New Jersey health officer declares that lipsticked lips are germ gatherers.) ‘uere are things, my son, you must duly shun If you wish to retain your health; The raisin jack that the ’leggers pack, Who barter you death for wealth; And when you're chilly, the flu bacilli May cause you an early fall— But skip the sip from the lipsticked lip, For that is the worst of all! For the Cupid’s Bow will work you woe If once you are aimed at by it— A carmine pencil’s a bum utensil To use for your daily diet. For the septic nip of the lipsticked lip Is a sign for the germs to frolic— It will give you the grip, it will give you the pip, It will give you the painters’ colic. You have cut your hair, my lady fair, In a hygienic style; And I'd feel no harm in your circling arm, But I fear your toothsome smile. The dart that lies in your sparkling ey *S May wound, but it will not kill— But the thought of a dip to your lip- sticked lip Will right away make me ill! Ted Robinson, in Cleveland Plain Dealer. A Recipe For a safe and quickly written edi- torial on the Nicaraguan situation: First take one assumption that we are a large, blonde, good-humored, indulgent race, with a benevolent eye out on the Western hemisphere in general and for Central America in particular. Now, in a whim- sical vein, mix with this the idea that all Central Americans are short, swarthy, black-eyed and _ volatile-tempered folk who would prefer to sit in the sun and smoke if it were not for the manifold economic advantages offered them by the United Fruit Company. Stir this mix- ture well, add a few bright cracks to the effect that statesmen south of the Rio Grande wear no shoes and carry rifles, and serve hot with a playful admonition to Latin America in general that while Uncle Sammie is patient there is such a thing as going too far. The advantages of this editorial recipe are manifold; any one can understand it, it is safely non- controversial, and Republican, and above all, O brethren of the guild, it is so ab- surdly easy to write and is frequently Written in these smug, self-satisfied days. Try it on your linotype. —Emporia Gazette. Opportunity Knocks Strancer: I represent a society for the prevention of profanity. I want to take profanity entirely out of your life and Jones: Hey, Mother! Here’s a man who wants to buy our car! —Motor Life _Ir took Mr. Dreiser ten years to write his latest novel. He must have read it as he went along.—Detroit News. 31 Land R an absolutely different vacation come to Alaska. Visit this land of strange and fasci- nating beauty—of unrivalled scenic grandeur —of romance and of gold. Cruise through sheltered seas, sentinelled by ma- jestic mountains and glittering glaciers, past primitive Indian villages with towering totem poles. Wind through the Narrows and beautiful Lynn Canal. Visit en route, Prince Rupert, Ketchikan, Wrangell, Juneau and Skagway. From Skagway go by rail to the Yukon—every mile of this historic trail has its story of romance and tragedy. Every minute of this glorious trip has its thrill. Fare only $90 including meals and berth from Van- couver to Skagway and return—a ten day trip on palatial Canadian National steamers—all outside rooms. For detailed information on Canadian National Alaska Tours fill in the coupon and mail to our near- est office, or call for the booklet listed. [ANADIAN NATIONAL The Largest Railway System in America OFFICES Portiand, Ore. Boston Detrcit $33 Washington St. 1259 Griswold St. 122 Third St. Buffalo Duluth St. Louis 11 So. Division St. 430 W. Superior St. 408 Olive St. Chicago Kansas City St. Paul 108 W. Adams Si. 706 Grand Ave. 83 East Fifth St. Cincinnati Los Angeles San Francisco 432 Wainut St. 607 So.G.and Ave. 689 Marke St Cleveland Minneapolis Seattle 926 Euclid Ave 618 Second Ave. So. 1329 Fourth Ave, New York 606 Fifth Ave. Philadelphia 1500 Chestnut St Pittsburgh 855 Fifih Ave. Portiand, Me. GrandTrunk Ry Sta, ANADIAN NATIONAL op- erates over 22,000 miles of track, a chain of hotels, fleets of coastal and ocean steamers and Nation-wide Express and Telegraph service —the largest railway system in America. Alaska Bookiet. Name... (If student, state grade) Street . Please send me your free | CHOOSE A CANADIAN NATIONAL VACATION THIS YEAR Sail through sheltered scenic seas ALASKA Northern Lights, Colossal Glaciers, Flower- decked Fjords, Totem Poles, Romance, Mysterp - - -

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Life

Reason Marlboros are so popular with those who smoke often is siaertis The Smoke is MILD AS MAY Marlboro Bridge Score mailed free upon request. -—_ as 2) Created by PHILIP MORRIS & Co. L™® Inc. 44 West 18th Sr, Dept. Ato, New York

English as She Is Sung Dvunine the recent congress of Eng- lish-speaking Orientals in Japan new va- riants of several popular songs were evolved in the course of the celebrations. Since the visitors all spoke the English language, they felt that they ought to be in the musical traditions that native and American-born speakers of the language perpetuate. That delightful old Northumbrian folk-song, ‘It Ain't Gonna Rain No More, therefore chanted in this strange shape: was “Engonnarennomo, no mo, Engonnarennomo. Hauna herru oda hoks terru Engonnarennomo?” The next on the programme was ‘O Brack Joe, as they called him. This number opened with the words, ‘Gau narra des wen maalt wayunga ge.’ After this came a livelier ‘Yes, sir, that’s my baby,’ which is worth reprinting in its complete form. We trust our readers know the usual words: “Yassair atsmai bebi Nossair domin mebi Yassair shismai bebi nau En baiwe— Yassair atsmai bebi Nossair domin mebi Shismai bebi nau—” —Living Age. A Hopeless Case An absolute beginner was _ toiling round the links wondering if the game was really worth while and vowing, to his grizzled Scottish caddie, that this would be his last round. “And what should I take now?” he asked a moment later, finding his ball in a terrible lie. “Well, mon,” replied the caddie, “you have three alternatives. For a start, you might take me and get me something to drink; secondly, you might take a’ your clubs home and give up golf; and thirdly, you might try throwin’ the ba’!” Gold Illustrated (London). He Held No Grievance A TEACHER was endeavoring to instill some sense of civic responsibility into a class of small boys. He chose Nero as a horrible example of a tyrant, and de- scribed the cruelties he inflicted on his subjects. “What do you think should be done to a man who so betrays the trust placed in him by the people?” the teacher asked one boy. “Did he do me anything?” the young- ster countered. —New York Evening Post. Notice to Visitors In the local museum there is a bust of a famous Scotchman. Rightly enough, below his noble Caledonian fea- tures is a sign which reads, “Don't touch.”—Wisconsin Octopus, Orator: And what do we do? We — the shadow, the bubble bursts and eaves but sackcloth and ashes in our empty hands.—Bulletin (Sydney). N obody can take his place in life

Your Dentist Knows The Preventive Measures That Halt The Advance Of Health-Destroying Agents The mouth is the source of many troubles, among them being Pyorrhea—a foe that penalizes | 4 out of 5 after 40 and thousands younger, Discourage This Enemy Play safe! Have your dentist give your teeth and gums a thorough examination at least twice a year. And start using Forhan’s for the Gums today. This dentifrice is more than a tooth paste. It | is health insurance that provides protection against grim Pyorrhea. It contains Forhan's Pyorrhea Liquid, used by dentists everywhere. Forhan’s firms the gums. It keeps teeth w hite and protects them against acids which cause decay. See your dentist, often. And start using Forhan's regularly. Teach your children this health-habit. They'll love the taste of Forhan’s. At all druggists—35c¢ and 6oc. Formula of R. J. Forhban,D.D.S., Forhan Company, New York Forhans for the gums | More Than a Tooth Paste . .

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- = = eee —_— ~ Before you go ba to EUROPE—

Write for free useful information about Escorted and Independent Tours, Private Automobile tours, Steamship reservations, Cruises, Aeroplane and Railway Tickets. Special Mediterranean Tour, Sail- ing April 6th. 80 days of pleasure for $1595. Over 50 years of travel ex- perience and 35 European offices. Free, helpful booklets on request. ‘DEAN es DAWSON, 1:« §00 Fifth Avenue, New York — <<

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waweas °° The Great Alibi Contest (Continued from page 11) H. P. Hamre, Hanover, N. I1.; Attan Keerer, Ottawa, Canada; Eimer H. Mayer, Pittsburgh, Pa.; Mouue E. Priest, Dorchester, Mass. Conditions of the Contest Read these carefully: ACH week we will publish a dif- ferent picture in the ALIBI CONTEST—the picture this week being marked “ALIBI NUMBER ELEVEN.” The first prize of $50.00 will be awarded each week to the contestant who, in the opinion of the Judges, furnishes the cleverest and most con- vincing conclusion to the sentence which starts, “Well, you see, it was this way...” Five second prizes of $10.00 each will be awarded to the runners-up. Answers must not exceed twenty- five words in length; this word limit, however, is not intended to include the captions under the Contest pic- tures as originally published in Lire. There is no limit to the number of answers to each Contest picture that any one contestant may submit. Nor is it necessary for a contestant to submit answers to more than one of the Contest pictures to be eligible for a prize. The Judges will be three of the Editors of Lirr. In the event of a tie, the full amount of the prize will be awarded to each of the tying contestants. Answers should be typewritten or clearly written on one side of the paper. The Judges cannot under- take to return any of the manu- scripts submitted in this Contest. Answers to ALIBI NUMBER ELEVEN should be so marked, and sent to ALIBI CONTEST EDI- TOR, Lire, 598 Madison Avenue, New York City. All answers to ALIBI NUMBER ELEVEN must reach Lirr’s office before 12 noon on March 10, 1927. Announcement of the winners will be made in the issue of March $1, 1927. The Contest is open to all and is not limited to subscribers to Lirr. Members of Lire’s staff, and their families, are barred from competi- tion. The Story of His Life Tue other day Small Sister came home from school proudly flourishing a paper. “It's a composition about Socceratees,” she said, handing it to mother with a grand air. “Teacher told us about him and then we wrote it. You can read it if you want to.” And mother read: “Socrates was a great man. He was sort of a tramp. He told everybody what to do and they gave him poison.”—New York Sun. “There y’are, Cap, the gas line’s clear now and you ought to finish your trip without any more trouble—unless you have a blowout.”’ ‘I’m not worrying about blowouts, with Kelly-Springfields on all around.”

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Life A new light will dawn on your shaving problem when you strop a NEW blade Most men think that a new blade right out of the wrapper will give the finest safety razor shave possible. It doesn't. To give the best results, a safety razor blad®, like the blade of an old-fashioned razor needs stropping before you first use it—and regularly thereafter. Here's what Mr. Megrund says: “When I used the Twinplex stropped blade you sent me, I at once noticed it had a keener edge than any new blade I had used and decided to get a Twinplex although I was skeptical as to whether I, myself, could put such an edge on a blade. But now that I have tried it and find that I can strop my own blades and really improve a new one, I'll say I would not sell it for any price if I could not get another, as itis the best aid tosmooth shaving I ever had.” (Signed) \ H. C. Megrunti, Shelly, Minn. Why not send for a blade as Mr. Megrund did and see for yourself? Stropped NEW Blade Free Name your razor and we'll send you, free, a NEW blade stropped on a Twinplex. We would like to show you what real shaving is. All dealers are authorized to sell you a Twinplex on 30 days trial. If after four weeks of marvelous shaving you are willing to forego the comfort and economy you have enjoyed, give up your Twinplex and get back your money. If you can't find the model you want, write us. TWINPLEX SALES CO. 1751 Locust Street, Saint Louis New York Montreal London Chicago winple troppers Futility WE strolled beneath the orchard boughs, Through meadow grasses lush and deep; And there were cows and cows and cows, And likewise sheep and sheep and sheep. He sighed, “This world’s a fleeting show ; Our empty lives have no excuse; We strive and toil; we come and go; And where’s the good and what’s the use !” And still beside the purling stream, In care of doughty ram and bull, The cows went right on brewing cream, The sheep went right on sprouting wool. I groaned, “I know the way you feel; We just drag on till something stops; And still the calves keep making veal, And still the lambs keep growing chops. “We're tossed about like bits of cork, Or ocean weed, or empty kegs; And still the pigs keep adding pork, And still the hens keep laying eggs. “And still the bears keep raising fur, And still the bees keep working too. I don’t know why these things occur, And yet I’m sometimes glad they do.” —Arthur Guiterman, in Saturday Evening Post. Guest One of the several good cymbal play- ers in New York is Hans Goettich, of the New York Symphony. The other eve- ning a lady found her way backstage to do a little private beaming on the musi- cians toward whose support she con- tributes. She picked out Hans to talk to, obviously seeing in him a_ possible soloist for a party she was planning. “I enjoyed your playing so much,” she said. “Do come to the house next Tuesday evening for a little supper and bring your instrument with you. Evening dress, you know.” When you ask Hans about this party you learn that he went. “Oh, yes,” he says, “I went to the lady’s zooper. Und I took mein zymbals with me.” —New Yorker. In the Day’s News A Cuicaco man whipped and dis- persed two bandits who attempted to hold him up. The policeman who finally came to his aid complimented him on the fight he put up and asked the amount of the roll he was fighting so hard to protect. The man had a quarter. And if that doesn’t remind you of the story about the Scotchman, then you have missed a very old and very good story. —Kansas City Star. Not for Exit Strout Tueatricat Person (engaging room): Window’s a bit small. Wouldn’t be much use to me in an emergency! LanpLapy: There ain’t goin’ to be any sich emergency! My terms fer actors is weekly in advance !—London Opinion. ¥ DAYS San anama * BE Havant, xnweles and San i , Francisco- ’ t, fastest S) i Lemnighty sailings- MANCHUBES np MONGOLIA over 22 000 rons displacement Each , Moderate rates. Special arrange ps in the service. oune ° th ways ments — way rail, OF bo water $ water. ycted tour al cond «ow * West bout speci ~ ome and AroundAmet ward in early July- © S.S.California, © = teadyforser- © > vice this Fall. a Largest Ameri- — |. ‘ can-built liner ™ & = | ’ = a: tire PANAMA PACIFIC LINE INTERNATIONAL MERCANTILE MARINE COMPANY No, 1-L Broadway, New York City, our othces elsewhere or steamship and railroad agents. HARRIS TWEED ¥:*p:00:0°c Cream of Scotch Homespuns, d'rect lengths by post, $2.00 per yd. Samples free on stating shades desired. NEWALL, 277 Stornoway, Scotland. FALLING HAIR AND DANDRUFF - ARE THE DAN-_) ( GER SIGNALS ®)\- THAT WARN OF BALDNESS WHY NOT CONSULT SPECIALIST CARMENE LECILE at the ROMAN TEMPLE OF ETERNAL YOUTH 43 West 49th Street, Circle 3632 BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE? ALSO FACE PEELING FOR MEN WITHOUT PLAS. TIC SURGERY OR CAUSING CLIENT TO REMAIN INDOORS DURING TREATMENT SEND FOR BOOKLET G (Sent in Plain Sealed Envelope) SELF INFLATING LIFE BELT, pocket size. Wonder of the age. ge Miniature hollow-ribbed lifeboat distensible around body instantly. Sustains wearer in deep. rough water. Most ractical safeguard for sea travelers and non-swimmers. m to aquatic sporrs. Get free illustrated booklet. oo! , Self Acting Life Belt Co. 55 E. 8th St., New York GRAND SUMMER CRUISE JULY 2 NORWAY - WESTERN MEDITERRANEAN Specially chartered castria,”’ new 17,000 ton Cunarder “Lat 52 days, $600 to $1300, including hotels, guides, drives, fees. Fascinating itinerary including Spain, North Africa, Italy, Riviera, Scandinavia, Scotiand, Germany. World Cruise, Jan. 16; Mediterranean Cruise, Jan. 25. Frank C.Clark, Times Bldg. ,NewY ork Originator of World Cruises—Est. 32 Years BOW LECS? OUR GARTER ( Pet’d) Makes Trousers Hang Straight If Legs Bend In or Out. Seif Adjustable. Pree Booklet — Plain Sealed Envelope The T. GARTER CO. ”*t!;2 None “Ss you some pear socie ans¥ you “us ware time lem addr left swin coul lent, trici: own O1 arm: the | said a le rack ings book of i to s day that opel . dad a can FOR

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teb ect suit. ting nd. A Simple Problem “Suprose,” said the advertisement, “that you are invited to a formal dinner by some new friends. You are eager to ap- pear at ease, weli poised, at home in society. Could you make an intelligent answer if the dinner companion whom you had just met said: " «‘Pntre nous. I have been looking for- ward to meeting you vis-a-vis for a long time, for I hear that you are always au courant with the latest books,’ ” This seems to me a very simple prob- lem in conduct. The young man so addressed could very well feint with his left to get her guard down and then swing a crashing right to the jaw. He could say “Buckwheats!” or any equiva- lent, or tell her the one about the elec- trician who exclaimed, “What! On my own time!” Or, of course, he could fold her in his arms and say, “Little girl, I didn’t know you cared.” " Still another excellent device might be for him to answer, “No spicka de English.” Or there is the possibility of shifting the attack and capturing the offensive for yourself. You might get up and play the piano faultlessly, or ask, “Who was it said ‘Half a league, half a league, half a league onward’? and, after they had all racked their brains, give them your find- ings out of Elbert Hubbard’s Scrap- book. Myself, I would merely reply with a knowing leer, “Cherchez la femme,” and let it go at that. —Heywood Broun, in New York World. Visibility Junior had been given his first pair of trousers, also an overcoat. Needless to say, he was very proud. The other day his father took him out and noticed that he insisted on keeping his overcoat opened, “Keep your coat buttoned, son, like daddy.” “But, daddy,” he replied, “everybody can see you've got on pants!” —Charleston News and Courier. She: WWAT DISGUISE SHALL I WEAR FOR TITE FANCY DRESS BALL? CAN’T You GIVE ME AN IDEA? He: WHY NOT GO AS A WOMAN? —Le Journal (Paris). Accept 10 Days’ Proo Let us prove that the claims millions of men make for this unique shaving cream are justified GENTLEMEN: Pullman car arguments never have yet proved a point. That's why we make no claims for Palmolive Shaving Cream other than the fact that millions of men, once wedded to rival preparations, have shifted to this new creation. Hence—that it is worth a trial. So we send 1o-day tubes for that pur- pose. Will you accept one as a cour- tesy to us? 6o years of soap study stand behind Palmolive Shaving Cream.- 130 for- mulas were developed and discarded before we found the right one. All our experience as the makers of Palmolive Soap, the world’s leading toilet soap, is embodied in this creation. 5 new factors 1. Multiplies itself in lather 250 times. 2. Softens the beard in one minute. 3. Maintains its creamy fullness for 10 minutes on the face. 4. Strong bubbles hold the hairs erect for cutting. 5. Fine after-effects due to palm and olive oil content. Just send coupon Your present method may suit you well. But still there may be a better one. This test may mean much to you in comfort. Send the coupon before you forget. THE PALMOLIVE COMPANY (Del. Corp.), CHICAGO, ILL 3450 — 10 SHAVES FREE | and a can of Palmolive After Shaving Talc Simply insert your name and address and mail to Dept. B-1275, The Palmolive Company (Del. Corp.), 3702 Iron Street, Chicago, Ill. Residents of Wisconsin should address The Palmolive Company (Wis. Corp.), Milwaukee, Wis. (Please print your name and address)

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Life and Letters (Continued from page 24) “ TILL,” by E. M. Delafield (Harper), one of my favorite yarn-spinners, is by no means anotheg “The Constant Nymph,” but its heroine has qualities very much akin to those of Miss Kennedy’s now cele brated character, and that rare blend of ingenuousnesg and sophistication which, when a loyal heart beats be neath it, gives its possessor an inestimable charm. Jilly moreover, is a thoroughly plausible being, even down te” that awful moment when Cathie Galbraith is obliged to¥ suggest that it is a good idea for young girls to send) their slips to the laundry at fairly regular intervals. The story is one of post-war London, and Jack and 4 Doreen Galbraith are, to date, the outstanding fictional § representatives of the type that is supposed to have got] that way because of what the international struggle did to its morale. Submerged in debt, on the qui vive for™ free meals, not knowing where the next headwaiter’s ] tip is coming from, yet always smartly and faultlessly § gowned and avid for revelry and excitement. It is into the whirlpool of their night life that Jill, the child of a demi-mondaine, is first thrust because of the financial lift7 brought by the monthly fee which her mother’s current ‘When you do want a good lawn mower that will really last,ask for it by name - - any Pennsylvania Quality brand- and be sure of it by seeing the Staytite Handle ~ ~ Write for interesting booklet “How to Have a Fine Lawn" PENNSYLVANIA LAWN MOWER WORKS 1625 N. 23rd Street Philadelphia, Pa. The New STAYTITE HANDLE protector will pay for her diversion and chaperonage, After the breach caused by Doreen’s inevitable jealous flare-up, Jill naively flies for sanctuary to the respectable Oliver Galbraiths, and it is in the serenity and safety 7 of their home that her personality unfolds so delight- fully. Oliver and Cathie are as good characterizations : as Jack and Doreen—more difficult ones, too, because NSYLY. they are subtler. I fell for Oliver at once when I learned that he shared a pet conviction of my own, namely, that Quality “low: curiosity is in reality a blessing to its possessors.” LAWN MOWERS An unpretentious and readable book, this, and herewith highly commended. NCLE JOE CANNON once said that if he wanted to settle most effectively with an enemy, he would get him a departmental job in Washington at $1,800 a year. That his idea of vengeance was sound is evidenced in “The Painted City,” by Mary Badger Wilson (Stokes), a group of stories built around the young people who come full of high hope to the capital from small towns and learn only too soon the deadliness of routine existence and the futility of its outlook. After reading them, you will be more contented with your lot as a policeman, a sales manager, or even as a_ book reviewer. S@erwrws a 1H bene wer'vrt oem arr Ss Baird Leonard. The Barber Goes Crazy “SES, sir, now if I was Coolidge I'd tell the Senate clippers only on the back not on the sides because Italy’s gonna declare war on Bulgaria and there’s a classy little blonde comes in here regular to get her hair trimmed because a fellow like me working for a salary can’t hardly get by any more you ought to have our special hot kerosene face massage so when she told her husband never came home before midnight do you want a little more off the top genuine old pre-war stuff just call Spring 7639 and ask for Nick I'd let Germany . settle for about a hundred billion in cash then let her om™ borrow some money from Russia and your scalp is in LI) betlone~ +. terrible condition you better have an egg shampoo didja ever hear the joke about the two coons who went ice The Insult skating and got Hawaii with a one-tube set my wife's A WELL-MEANING FRIEND SENDS A PAIR OF COTTON- uncle made Babe Ruth ain’t near the player a fellow is I TAILS TO THE “ALL-WOOL KING.” used to know who played center field for Moline Illinois ] you better lemme fix that scalp or you'll get bald.” Robert Lord. BUSH TERMINAL PRINTING CORPORATION, BROOKLYN, NEW YORK

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