Life 1883-05-17: Vol 1 Iss 20

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NUMBER 20. 155 broadway — COPYRIGHT 1862. BY LAMITCHELL it ive Yor - =~ Issued every Thursday — n Cents ew — ih I" My ve i iil NY He ife Off 7 L \ \ \\ | . WA st ublished at the wi} Entered. at NY¥-Post Office as Second Class Mail Matter- VOLUME I.

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NEW PUBLICATIONS. HENRY HOLT &CO. HAVE READY: Croffut’s A Midsummer Lark, By WiLuiiaM A. CROFFUT, 16mo, Leisure Hour Series. $1.00. Norris’s No New Thing, By W. E. Norris, author of MATRIMONY, 16mo, | Leisure Hour Series. $1.00. Leisure Moment Series. The books are sewed with thread—not wired—so they lie open easily; the paper, type and printing are ae good, and the heavy paper cover bears a tasteful design, | No. 9. MATRIMONY. By W. E. Norris......... No. 8. BEYOND RECALL. No. 7. CECIL DREEME. No. 6. 5 4 3oc By Adeline Sergeant. 25c By Theodore Winthrop. 3oc. HER DEAREST FoE. By Mrs. Alexander. 3oc. . A CHELSEA HOUSEHOLDER.........++-. . A STORY OF CARNIVAL. No. No. No. 3. No, 2. No. I. GIDEON FLEYCE, DEMOCRACY. By H. W. Lucy...... An American Novel...... All the Leisure Moment Series may be had in the | success of the season. Leisure Hour Series, printed on heavier paper bound | in English cloth, etc. Price, $1 each. “ The neatest, brightest, and cleverest paper on either side of the ocean,” —A lbany Express. An Illustrated Weekly, Humorous, SATIRICAL, REFINED. ISSUED EVERY THURSDAY. “It is workmanlike in every part. gentlemanly, genial and satisfying, at least fifty thousand readers in this town.” — 7he Sun. It is fresh, vigorous, “LIFE.”.—— We commend it to | ‘* By far the best humorous and satirical publication of | the day.”"—Rochester Union and Advertiser. AN ABLE CORPS OF CONTRIBUTORS: W. L. ALpEN, author of ‘‘ The Moral Pirates.’”?’ Henry Guy CarRLEToN, author of **‘Memnon.” J. CHEEVER Goopw1n, author of ** Evangeline.”?’ J..W. Rirey. E. D. Beacu. A. A. Hayes, author of ** A Symposium on the Chinese Question.’’ G. T. LaniGan, author of** Fables out | of the World.” G. P, Laturop, author of **An Echo of Pas- sion.” J. B. MaTTuHEws, author of ** French Dramatists.”’ H. G. Parng, author of ** Allon a Summer’s Day.””, ARTHUR Penn, author of *“* The Rhymester.” J. S., of Daz, au- thor of ** Guerndale.’" F. D. SHe#rMan, author of “ Her Portrait by Sarony.” ARTISTS. F. G. ATTWOOD, W. H. Hype, Cuas. KENDRICK, H. W. McVICKaR, J. A. MITCHELL, GRAY PARKER, PALMER Cox, E. W. KEMBLE, W. A. ROGERS, And many others. ** Altogether the best periodical of the kind published in this country.’”’—Burlington Free Press. Subscriptions, $5 per year, postage free. 10 Cents a Copy. Address, Office of ‘‘ LIFE,” 1155 Broadway, NEW YORK For Sale at all News Stands. - LIFE - HARRIGAN & HART in Edward Harrigan’s latest piece THE MUDDY DAY. The popular music by Mr. Dave Braham. TUESDAY, MATINEES FRIDAY. | AMUSEMENTS. | ‘THEATRE COMIQUE. 728 and 730 Broadway HARRIGAN & HART... .csvcocecee Proprietors JOHN E. CANNON..........c0csceceeees Manager SUMMER RESORTS. CAMPOBELLO ISLAND, SEASON OF 1883. The hotels of the Campobello Company, ‘*THE OWEN” and “* TYN-Y-COED,”’ will be opened for the season in the latter part of June, and will be under the same manage. a | ment as last year. Since the closing of last season many improvements have | been made, that will greatly add to the already superlative | comforts at this unique watering place. : TONY PASTOR'S, 14TH STREET THEATRE. | EVERY EVENING AT 8. SATURDAY MATINEE. NEIL BURGESS 1n VIM. Pronounced by the press and public the greatest The patent revolving stage, the great circus scene, etc. Seats secured two weeks in advance. [JNION SQUARE THEATRE. SPECIAL. MONDAY, MAY 14, 1883, first appearance in America of the accomplished London Actress HELEN BARRY, and first production in this country of Tom Tay- lor’s powerful drama ‘*ARKWRIGHT’S WIFE.” Every Evening at 8 o'clock. PATENT BINDER FOR FILING -LiFrs: Cheap, Strong and Durable. Will hold 26 numbers. part of the United States for $1.00. Address, office of ‘‘ LIFE,” 1155 BROADWAY, NEW YORK. I willnever buy any bul And Twill never sel] any HARTSHORNS ROLLERS put HARTSHORNS! Mailed to any | The season of 1882 was a great success, and so many people were unable to get rooms that a new dormitory has been built near Tyn-y-coed, to which it will be a pleasant annex, It has been constructed under the supervision of Cum. mings A Sears, contains sixty-four rooms and will be fur. nished in the same attractive way as the others. Extensive water views, abundant sunshine, and open fires on every | hand, pure spring water and good drainage, are the features } | Saturday Matinee. | here secured. Comfortable carriages, village carts, wagonettes, and well- equipped saddle horses will be supplied. “he steamer Emmet has been secured, and will be used for ferry service only. Steam launches, rowboats, canoes, and some of the famous *Quoddy sailboats will always be at the command of guests, MAN-OF-WAR NECK, Composing about eight hundred acres, has been plotted and divided into cottage lots of various sizes. These lots, as well as many others, are now offered. Nearly all of those offered last season have been sold. Applications for board may be made to T. A. BARKER, Office of the Campobello Co., aaa 12 Sears Building, Applications for land and for any further information con cerning the property may be made to ALEX. S. PORTER, General Manager Campobello Co., 27 State Street, Boston, Summer and Winter Resort. ‘ THE DUTCHER HOUSE AND COTTAGES. PAWLING, N.Y. Highlands, 62 miles from the city, on Harlem Railroad. Built and furnished thoroughly first-class ; four-story brick; large rooms, with closets; steam heat, open grate, gas, electric bells. Soft mountain spring water on each floor, | Ample fire hose and escapes. Elegant opera house for | amusements and dancing, | box, by express, of the | Address, Celebrated orchestra, park, lake, fishing, boating; no mosquitoes, no malaria. Send for circular. S. W. CASS, Proprietor. F.W. DEVOE& CO. Artists’ Materials, READY-MIXED PAINTs, Dry CoLors, CoLors IN OIL, COLORS IN JAPAN, PULP CoLors, BRUSHES, FINE VARNISHES, &c. Cor. Fulton and William Sts., New York. Send one, two, three or five dol- elars for a retail t Candies in the world, put up in handsome boxes. All strictly pure. Suitable for presents. Try it once. C.F.GUNTHER, Confectioner, 78 Maptson Sr., Cuicaco. IMPORTANT. When you visit or leave New York City, save Baggage re and Carriage Hire and stop at the GRAN UNION HOTEL, opposite Grand Central Depot. Four Hundred and Fifty (450) elegant rooms, fitted upata cost of one million dollars, reduced to $1 and upwards per day. European plan. Elevator. Restaurant supplied with the best. Horse cars, stages and elevated railroad to all depots. Families can live better for less money at the — Union Hotel than at any other first-class hotel in the city.

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on, 5 IN XC. two, dol- etail put > for ner, "5 AN ~~ S } fed Md to it the rel in VOL. I. MAY 17th, 1883. NO. 20. 1155 BRoaDWAy, NEw York. Published every Thursday, $5 a year in advance, postage free. Single copies, 10 cents. (38 Subscribers who do not receive their copies will please notify the office at once. IS THIS A ‘DAGGER WHICH I SEE BEFORE ME? THE Torts GATHERING ABOUT OUR CORRESPONDENT. Hicu Lire 1n Lonpon !! Do ExTREMES MEET ? Lonpon, April 30th, 1883. ERE I am in the full swim of London life. When I last wrote you I was in St. Quentin, the box and dag- ger which that toothless creature had given me. Laden with the money so un- expectedly advanced to me, I sought my landlord and called for my bill. He handed it to ‘% mewounduponaroller. Itwas as long as Leporello’s account of his master’s bonnes fortunes. The rascal charged me for undrunk champagne (which was more exasper- ating than being charged with “ unkissed kisses”); for candles enough to have taken my soul comfortably through Purgatory ; for cabs, cigars, drinks and ser- vice. Never since the palmy deeds of the Tweéd ring had such a bill been devised. I paid it, and — * the dist of St. Quentin from my feet. Life here is very charming, though ever and anon that dagger comes before my eyes, and when I am ex- changing badinage with a Duchess or setting a Prince's table in a roar, a cold shiver runs down my back ; the flow of wit ceases as if the faucet had been turned off by a remorseless hand, Sydney Smith is transformed looking aghast at - Pra By Pattie into (Edipus the Tyrant, to the consternation of the people at dinner. This evening, at a small dinner at the Duke of Dumpshires, we were laughing over Lady Florence Dixie’s adventure, when Lady Mount Ararat (Her husband, by the way, is now playing in ** Tolan- the” in America. There is madness in the family; he would go on the stage, though he can neither act nor sing), one of the most charming women in London, said, looking straight at and through me with her beautiful eyes : “Dear me! I can imagine nothing more terrible than to be slashed with a dagger! With such a one as this, for instance !”’ she added, as she drew a little dag- ger from her hair, and handed it to me. The dagger was exactly like the one which I found in the head of my bed at St. Quentin. Around its hilt the same malevolent serpent twisted through the eye of the same grinning skull. “But the poor Czar; to be blown up with dyna- mite! ‘That was terrible!” gasped the Duchess. “T wonder what the Nihilists have in store for the coronation of the present Czar?” naively inquired Lady Mount Ararat, still looking at and through me. “ There will be absolutely no chance of the assassin escaping with his life !” “Not the slightest,” lisped the Honorable Percy Amarynth. “Yet there is no doubt but that the man is chosen, and that he is at this moment planning in what manner he is to do the deed !” “Tf he weakens in his purpose he is a dead man,” slowly muttered the old Duke. Every one seemed to be looking at me; the ladies arose to leave the room. When I sat down, after the last skirt had swept from the room, I perceived that the dagger affixed Lady Mount Ararat’s dinner card to the table, and that on the card was scribbled “ Zo Russia immediately !” I instinctively filled a goblet with port of the vintage of 1812, and drained it ata swallow. The Duke looked at me aghast, and I saw that I had forfeited his esteem. The other men sipped the priceless wine drop by drop as if to reproach me. But the Honorable Percy Amarynth came over to- wards me as the footman offered me a cigarette and a lighted candle. “You will supply the lung-power !” he said, with a smile, and with a toothless smile, which I had seen be- fore, and in the gloomy inn-parlor at St. Quentin ! I excused myself to the Duke ; tottered to a cab and drove to my lodgings. I have just sent by my valet to Amarynth the sum which he advanced to me at St. Quentin, with six per cent, interest up to date, ———

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230 -LIFE-: You see [ am writing to you with a type-writer. I- cannot hold a pen. ‘The toils are gathering around me. I have put the bureau against the door, and shall soon go to bed. To bed! oh, the sarcasm, to me, of the usually comfortable word ! Oysters are still good. Hip, hip, a raw! Tue Khan of Tartary wants to visit America, but Khan’t. Many patients at our best hospitals receive gruel treatment. WHEN the poet alludes to “ April’s sweet smiles” he means mint julips. A “LOAN WIDDER’’—-the relict of the late Mr. Blumenstein, who still conducts his business. IrisH CHEMIST: No. Glycerine smuggled into har- bor under cover of darkness is not night row glycer- ine. A coop title for a novel is hard to procure. Julian Hawthorne’s last is “ Dust.” It is so much sweeter than “Git !” THE trouble with Mr. Carter Harrison of Chicago seems to be a difficulty of keeping his mouth shut and his ears hid.—Louisville Courier- Journal—Just what ails brother Talmage. Is this thing getting to be epi- demic ? Rep Dos, Arizona, is getting civilized. A coroner was appointed last month, and next morning he im- panelled a jury to view the most recent corpse. The following was the verdict: “We, the jurey, dooly swore, find that diseased kem ter his deth by the juj- mint off Godd, fer hevin kawled Bil Jaxon a lier.” PARVULUsS Jack Horner Sedebat in corner Edens a Christmas pie. Inseruit thumb, Et extraherit plum, Clamans “ Quid sharp puer am I !” AT a recent Southern camp meeting the eloquent divine said : “ The wheels of the righteous shriek and groan as they toil up the hill of salvation and over the ruts of temptation and the bridge of damnation, and have to scrowdge pretty lively to get up at all ; but the sinner, with greased wheels and flying colors, slips down to tarnation like a dose of oil, with a rip and a whizz, and raises no dust whatever.” Now who says oratory is a lost art ? THE London G/ode is remarkable for coherency. Speaking of a tree in Berlin, it says: “‘ Recently the seventeenth body of the seventeenth suicide was cut down from its branches.” Great Scott! Suppose the seventeenth suicide’s twenty-ninth body had been found there ! A FABLE FOR THE BRAVE. FLY, observing one day a sheep running with great rapidity from a forest, enquired : “ What is the matter, my friend ?” “Matter enough !” panted the Sheep, “ Dear Fly, in yonder wood there is a Lion !” “Really? and what of that?” returned the Fly. “ Surely, you are not afraid of a Lion ?” “And do you indeed not fear him?” gasped the sheep. ‘Certainly not ; to prove it, I will myself enter the wood.” The Fly hurried away, and returning after some time, continued : “You are right, my friend ; he is there; but really there is no occasion for fear. I conversed with him for some minutes, and I even flatter myself that it was I who annoyed him. Pray, do not be so timid !” At this moment a spider, who had just completed her web near by, appeared suddenly on the scene. The Fly turned pale, and, without warning, fainted quite away. The Spider, seizing him, bore him into her web, whence he never re-appeared ! “ Alas! my friend,” sighed the Sheep, as he walked quietly away, “It is not so much what you are afraid of, as it is the being afraid !” : ILLUSTRATED ADVERTISEMENT. A MIDDLE-AGED MAN TO SELL STATUARY AT RETAIL must be well posted and have A x references. — West — st.

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ass Ss Wee” See 2% 3 SY pan Y = i, = a %, yy \Y =4 = oo, ee 3 sy, 2 Tak ah % EZ Vv, aie , \ MSS ‘i Smee \ SOO SX SS Sr 5 : : = —S SS = “iq ANY Wp OR He (to his fiancée) : fle: WHat! She (with enthusiasm): OH! IN CHINA? He: Sucar. [She breaks the engagement.| OUR POETRY. HE bulk of our mail is poetry. Bliff, the office boy, brings it in, nine bagsful at a time. He then sorts it. Bliff is chain lightning on sorting poetry —is Bliff. There are six large crates ranged around Bliff’s seat. One is labelled “Spring,” another “Love,” another “Obituary,” two more “My Baby Brother ” and “ Moonlight.” The last, which is larger, glares in red letters with “Can't Say.” Bliff never makes a mistake. A spring poem never goes into the baby box. Love melodies and obituary insanities are invariably sorted rightly. Ravings upon moon- light are never put in the “Can’t Say” crate. That is devoted solely to such lyrics as impress Bliff with the idea the author himself didn’t know what he was writing about. Bliff then “averages” them. He mixes up the contents of each box with a broomstick. Then he I say, JULIA, OLD GIRL, HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THIS? She (who hates to have people talk to her when she is reading) : NOT SEEN THIS SWEET THING IN CHINA. Wuat Is IT? No. yanks up the office cat by the tail, and lowers her into the box until she can just reach the envelopes. Whichever poem she claws up is accepted as the lucky one to go before the Editor of Politics and Poetry, who is bald-headed, and doesn’t like to read much. Bliff caught this idea from seeing raffles drawn at Coney Island. He knows that his own se- lection would not be so impartial as that of the cat. He is right. Six poems being fished out by this process, Bliff and the cat skirmish for something to eat and then the boy carts away the unlucky verses and sells them to the waste-paper man for sixty-five cents a crate, and in- vests the proceeds in sandwiches, blue cravats and cigarettes. By-and-bye, he says, he will buy the cat a brass collar with his name on to it. ENGLAND, on seeing O’Donovan Rossa’s boat: “ Now comes the tug of war.”

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232 - LIFE - THE MEDICINAL WAR. HIS row among the doctors is at once unusual and unfortunate. Doctors have hitherto been so peaceably disposed towards each other, so ready to yield to each other’s opinions, and so eager to consult those whose creeds were different, that the present agitation is a complete surprise. If the new code goes DR. PODOPHYLLIN. into effect this will be the result. Doctor Podophyllin, the Allopath,- who believes that a pound of calomel and two gallons of castor oil are only a mild starter, and that stewed podophyllin, , prussic acid soup and iodide of potassium gravy are the only ar- ticles of food an invalid requires, will have to call in Doctor Taf- fee, the Homeeopath, in whose opinion the one-millionth of a grain of citrate of beef is almost too powerful a tonic to use. If by the mutual consultation of these two the patient doesn’t im- prove, and he isn’t likely to, why, they will call in Doctor Chillem, the Hydropath, who will put the sick man in an ice pack, soak his head, and give him a gallon of diluted water every four minutes until relieved. After this, they will either summon the undertaker or Doctor Twistemup, the Electro- path, who will put the invalid through a series of ingenious contortions, and completely riddle him with thunderbolts and agony, with a view to shaming the disease into acknowledging that it cannot cause any pain worth menfioning. Next will be summoned in a great hurry, Doctor Mixer, the Eclectic, who will administer to the happy sufferer a course _ of complicated sprouts of all the schools of medicine together, and note the re- sult. . Finally will come Doctor Bunkum, who cures by laying on of hands. Doctor Bunkum will pray and sing and lay on hands, and stand on his head and DR. CHILLEM. DR. TWISTEMUP. read a psalm, throw a back somersault and read two verses from St. Paul and bid the sick man arise. If the sick man doesn’t or can’t, every one present will give him a pill, clap on a plaster, douse him or shock him out of his senses, and ¢hen the coroner will come. This will be living in the true spirit of harmony and profession- al brotheroood. But what will become of the patient ? In the good old days of saddle- bags, leeches and setons, consul- tations were never fashionable, and people lived to a more ad- DR. MIXER. vanced ‘age than they do now. Doctors were all of one school—and when they went to the patient’s funeral they bore malice towards no one, unless the widow had inadvertently forgotten to pay the bill, which, of course, made trouble. Now all will be chaos. If the suf- ferer’s constitution en- ables him to stand the strain of a joint treat- ment, each pill-mixer will swear that it was his own particular _ prescription that did the business, and will, of course, expect double pay for the same. If the patient dies, each will swear that it was the other that killed him, and then the police will have DR. BUNKUM., to get in some very fine and prompt work to prevent trouble. There is only one way out of this. If a joint consultation is insisted on, let but one doctor’s bill be allowed, and make him share it with the rest—that is, if the patient survives the ordeal. If he dies—hang a@// the doctors. H. G. C. WHEN YOU MEET ME. /} HEN you meet me, lift your hat, There is courtesy in that, And the fair expression, tuo, Of respect that is my due. He who lamely taps the rim Of his hat—I answer him With a stare—of scorn, at that. When you meet me, lift your hat. When you meet me, lift your hat. How insipid, stale and flat Seems “Good Morning ” from a man With a head like his rattan,— For I always apprehend Who thus greets a lady friend Is a “ stick ’’—and bald, at that! When you meet me, lift your hat. J. W. R.

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- Lire: 233 GOOD PHILOSOPHY. OWN in the meadow the grass was green And buds were red on the maple tree, And far to the south we saw the sheen Of the luminous, purple sea : We stood alone in the mossy porch, Of the ancient house that was her home ; And the sun shone like a golden torch, Where the clouds were white as foam Ah, but we spooned in the mellow glow, For her red, ripe lips were warm and sweet, And words were easy to say, you know, And the hours were very fleet : And vows were made as the sun went down, And feet would linger, despite old time, And the lonely way that led to town, When the curfew beil should chime. And her name, what was it, Maud or May ? For the grass is green, the maple red, And a long, long year has fled away Since those sweet vows were said. Her husband and she are lately gone To Paris, or Moscow, what matter which ? For my name, you see, is simply John, And he’s Count Stephanlasitch. I know that her face was sweet and fair, That her lips were red like cherries are, That the sun made gold amid her hair, And her eyes shone like a star.

But unless I err, the meadow path Holds just as dainty a maid as she; And why should I nurse despair and wrath, When a new love waits for me ? Tuos. S. COLLIER. Jones (a wealthy prohibitionist, who is giving a dinner to Parcher on strictly temperance principles): JOHN, IT IS VERY CLOSE IN HERE. CAN'T YOU OPEN SOMETHING ? Parcher (with eagerness): YeS! THAT’S A GOOD IDEA! OPEN A BOTTLE.

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JUDKINS’ BOY. H ACKMENS has the soft- est thing in the bizness ! They haint got nothin’ to do but look hump-shouldered and chaw tobacker and wait. Hack- mens all looks like detectives, and keeps still, and never even spits when you walk past ’em. And they’re allus cold. <A hackman that stands high in the p’fession can wear a over- coat in dog days, and then look chilly and like his folks was all dead but the old man, and he was a drunkard. Ef a hackman would only be a blind fiddler he’d take in more money than a fair ground! Hackmens never gives nothin’ away. . You can trust a hackman when you can’t trust your own mother. Some people thinks when they hire a hack to take em some place that the hackman has got some old grudge agin ’em—but he haint—he’s allus thataway. He loves you, but he knows his place, and smothers his real feelings. In life’s giddy scenes hackmens all wears a mask ; but down deep in their heart you can bet they are yourn till deth! Some hackmens looks like they was stuck up, but they aint—it’s only ‘cause they got on so much clothes. Onc’t a hackman was stabbed by a riend of his in the same bizness, and when the doctors was seein’ how bad he was karved up, they found he had on five shurts.

. They said that was all that saved his life. They said ef he'd only had on four shurts he’d a been adead man. And the hack- man hissef, when he got well, used to brag it was the clos’test call ever he had, and laid for the other hackman, and hit him with a car couplin’ and killed him, and come mighty nigh goin’ to the penitenchary fer it! Influenshal friends was all that saved him that time! No five shurts woulda done it! The mayor said that when he let him off, and brought down the house, and made his- sef a strong man fer another term. Some mayors is purty slick, but a humble hackman may sometimes turn out to be just as smooth! The only thing why a hackman don’t show up no bet- ter is ‘cause he loses so much sleep. ‘That’s why he allus looks like he had the headache, and didn’t care if he did. Onc’t a hackman was waitin’ in front of a hotel one morning, and was sorto dozin’ like, and fell off his seat. And they run and picked him up,-and he was unconshus ; and they worked with him till ’way long in the afternoon ’fore they found out he was jist asleep ; and he cussed fearful ’cause they waked him up, and wondered why people couldn’t never ’tend to their own bizness like he did.

Ir seems to us, the circumstances of last Friday all considered, that to be a Democrat is somewhat un- lucky in White Plains, New Jersey. The White Plain- ers seem to appreciate Democrats. Is THE chief of the Apache Indians a Juh? This is Moses good as we can do.

THE sign zz. is necessary to wit of some kinds.

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- LOPE Saas RUM KO AFF | VEO cme 2 Ox ‘ A JOINT CONSUL’ | Or, HOW THE NEw CODE OF Me:

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LIFE -

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Seder snctarre telipeaye et 236 ‘hire * THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE. H, the weather was fine, When I sailed down the Rhine; The sky was an orthodox blue up above us; And an old lady cried, Who sat by my side, ‘* God a mercy, the paddle-wheels, how they do shove us!” Says I to a man near by: ** Sir, what a charming sky; I really know nothing to which I can liken it.” Then he nodded his head, As he feelingly said: “ Fa wohl, lieber Herr, er ist ganz ausgezeichnet.” Turning then me another way : “« Truly, a lovely day,” I remarked to a blonde who could not have been blonder ; Whereupon she said, smiling, In tones quite beguiling: ‘* Pardon, monsieur, mais—je ne peux pas comprendre.’ , Then I tackled a priest, Hoping Irish at least: ‘* Well arranged are these pleasant green valleys towinacuss,” Says I to him; but, When his mouth came unshut, His rejoinder was: “ Sum pauper frater Dominicus.” But a bottle of wine Rendered everything fine— Aha! though it spoke through its nose it was sensible; French, Italian, or German, Or grown with John Sherman, It’s the wine, when it talks, that is all comprehensible. } ! QUT | (\ { i

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-LIFE- - 237 LEAVES FROM THE DIARY OF AN UNDER- GRADUATE. APRIL 7TH. ATHER writes that he is glad I am keep- nas“ ingadiary. Hesaysitisa << valuable habit, and good IS practice in writing. I am Le spd ; Lo to bring it home vacations ~~ and show it to him that he a may see what reflections Ot ae are suggested to me by the yak studies of the college ahd course, ete Mem.—I A must brace on reflections. tag To-day Watson tells me ILO TT, another painful rumor is 7 ZS £ == in circulation about Hig- : #) SY == ginson. It is said that his x watch has come back. It pS a is a pewter bullseye, about ; the size of a warming-pan, and with several coats, like anonion. He can do all sorts of tricks with it. He can strip off the outer peels and throw the nucleus around the room without hurting it. He can touch it off insome way, with a buzz, and it will do the twenty-four hours inside a minute. It was always at the blacksmith’s, however—no watchmaker would touch it—being repaired ; and Watson says it cost Higginson more to keep it than it would to keep a horse. Fellows that H. owed money to were relieved to hear that he lost it at Forepaugh’s menagerie last week. But it seems that he advertised it, and it was returned by a heavy man with a large foot, who had trodden on it before pick- ing it up. It was quite flat when brought back, but Higginson paid the man a liberal reward, and is having it hammered back into shape.

APRIL IOTH. To-day being Saturday, I was going to attend a cocking-main given by Hudson in the attic of North College, but it failed to come off. Hudson had bought four birds from Epaphroditus, the negro costermonger—the same one who was hired for five dollars by some of the fellows in Sophomore year to have an epileptic fit in the gallery of Music Hall during a temperance lecture, and was carried out howling and foaming at the mouth. The birds were secured two days in advance, and were put in Hudson’s coal- closet ; where, in the words of Daniel Pratt, ‘* The light of day Shines but seldom, or not at all, On the course of the awful water-fall.” It was feared that the dark might impair their gameness, and so they were removed to the garret yesterday afternoon. But one of them, which was thin, squeezed out of the coop, and appeared this morning at the attic window, where it crowed repeatedly and attracted the notice of the authorities, who confiscated the whole plant. APRIL I3TH. Forensic disputations this morning. A good grind on Feather- stone! He had furnished a forensic to Rosenberg, whose inven- tion is not fertile, when Rosy meekly read it through with that sweet Pennsylvania accent which secured him in Freshman year the nick-name ‘‘ White-ammed Nausicaa,” the affable Professor of Belles Lettres remarked, ‘‘ You didn’t pay much for that, did you ?” ; APRIL I5TH. Linonia prize debate this evening. I went in to hear Watson speak his little piece. He had read parts of it to me beforehand, and I told him he was cock-sure of first prize. The question was ‘*“Are penal colonies justifiable?’ and there were some very luscious passages in Watson’s speech, in which he called Botany Bay a loathsome plague spot, a cesspool, a seething caldron of vice and a mass of festering corruption. He took only a third prize, but the fellows, most of them, thought he ought to have had the first. His languaye was certainly very strong. Yesterday morning Watson was rehearsing his piece in his room. In the midst of a beautiful description of Russian convicts passing through the Ural mountains, one of his gestures upset the water-pan on the stove and spilled its contents over the feet of his chum, Dempster, who was smoking near by. The latter has since remained ia his room, with bandaged feet, and Watson carries his meals to him from the club. I was telling Higginson about the accident this A.M., but he smiled knowingly and said : ‘Do you really imagine that the water was hot ? I have sat on Watson’s stove half an hour at a time without singeing my pant- aloons, and watched the low spirited thermometer in the corner trying to climb up to 65°. No; Dempster’s feet are not scalded. It is all a ruse to get up a reputation for the stove, which they are trying to sell. Observe the ostentatious manner in which Watson carries the meals. It is done to provoke enquiry.” I told Watson this afternoon what Higginson had said, and he answered : ‘* Higginson is embittered by my exposure of his watch and his bad hats, and is, therefore, not to be trusted. If you doubt me, come and sit on the stove yourself.” APRIL 18TH. The financial panic in the class has passed its crisis. Last term the little busy B. compiled an.‘‘ Index to the Literary Mag- azine,” which he foisted upon a reluctant public at fifty cents a copy, exacting payment in advance of publication. Pending the appearance of this valuable guide to the treasures of genius buried in the ‘‘ Lit,” each subscriber received a ticket entitling the holder to one copy of the ‘‘ Index” as soon as it should be issued. These choses in action, being negotiable, got into circulation in the class, and were used in the payment of debts and otherwise. They be- gan to depreciate rapidly, and were finally bought up by one speculator, and employed as poker chips by the gamblers of South Col- lege, being redeemed at eleven cents apiece, or 22 per cent. on their face value. The ‘“ Courant” now asserts that B. is trying to bull the market by threatening to issue a limited edition of the ‘ Index,” and retain five hundred copies for his own use. APRIL 23RD, Spring vacation to-morrow. Have been packing my trunk all the afternoon. I think, on the whole, I won’t take this diary ; home, but will give Father my reflections | on the studies of the term, etc., orally. ‘

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a yee 238 -~LIFE: BIOGRAPHETTE. XV. HENRY BERGH. HIS cruel persecutor was born in the Cuckoo Islands, 1832, and was descended from the Antarctic Ice Berghs, a family often mentioned by the explorer Cook. Cook drifted on the islands during a later voyage, and the Cuckoo Cooks cooked Cook. In 1867 Bergh emigrated to this City, and immediately entered upon the ferocious career for which he has since been noted. He was especially averse to the lower animals, and or- ganized a society whose object was to prevent their being treated well by their masters. Car horses, for instance, like to pull fifteen ton cars nineteen hours out of the twenty-four, and the humane companies were kindly disposed to let them doit. The ruthless Bergh, however, compelled the abridging of three hours of pleasure to the poor brutes, until now they are only allowed about eight hours of out-door pastime. Again, nothing pleases a dog so much, during August, as to be shut up ina pound four days without food or water, and the city authorities used to please all the dogs they could lay their hands upon. The cruel Bergh interposed, and now the impounded dogs are compelled to eat loathsomely wholesome food and drink clean, cool water, and are chloroformed to the sound of hand-organs and sweet cymbals. There is one ill-used animal, the biped, in which. the public wish Mr. Bergh would take more interest. How many ounces go to a dog pound? Ir you wi// let the children play with the chessmen, you must not complain if they turn out to be pawn- brokers. ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. NION CLUBBER: If you want to have a really and truly duel, of course you must first insult him. There are two kinds of insult—the mild and the severe. By all means try the mild insult first. Walk up to your man in a swaggering, offensive way, jam your heel on his corns, pull his nose, butt him in the pit of the stom- ach, and then sit down on him and tell him helies. This course, pur- sued with people of high temper, will usually lead up to the prelimi- naries of a quarrel. If it fails—try the severe method—tell him you suspect he writes verses for the Century, for instance. The best weapons are swords at ten paces. Pistols loaded with but- ter are also reliable. The old method, by which both belligerents took a dose of cold poison, and then flipped a nickel for a stomiach pump, is one said to give great satisfaction, but is somewhat dangerous. MARK T.—We couldn't think of publishing your joke. Send it to General Cesnola for his collection of antiquities. WILLIAM H. V.—We answer your questions seriatim :—(1.) No: The value of a picture is not determined by the price paid for it, but by the amount it is really worth. (2.) The artist you mention is not really an ‘‘ old master” because he is 85 years of age and teaches for aliving. His paintings would therefore not be valuable except from their intrinsic merit. (3.) Yes, you are quite right in going abroad and making your purchase before the heavy tariff goes into effect. Econo- my 7s the road to wealth, as you say. HENRY B-RGH.—Your ideais certainly a good one. It is often a real pleasure for a dog to lunch off a man’s leg, and as the cruel muz- zle prevents this innocent pastime, your society should by all means abolish its use. Your proposition to bobtail all horses to keep the flies from being annoyed by them, is equally humane. RUTHERFORD B. H.—(1)._ The proper proportion is one lemon to two glasses of Scotch whiskey. (2). In case you see those blue monkeys with pink tails again, consult a physician. (3). We cannot see any harm in announcing yourself as a candidate for 1884, if you have your wife’s permission. McCosh, of PRINCETON.—(1.) You are right. If A is blind and you straddle, you take the age until after the draw. (2.) If he opened the jack-pot it was certainly his first bet after the draw, and you had aright to raise him. The pot was therefore yours. FREDDIE G.—(1.) He was first President of the United States. (2.) The most sensible thing to do when it rains is to comein. (3.) A primer contains the information you desire. OLIVER W. H.—Your tender poem has been carefully filed away in the waste basket. It is too rich. EASY INSTRUCTION FOR YOUTH. LITTLE jobs of “ water” And grains of “salted” sand Make the mighty fortune For beauteous heiress-hand. CouLp the pitcher of a base-ball team be spoken of as “the power behind the thrown.” SUPERFLUOUS INFORMATION—that Peck’s Bad Boy is by the author of Peck’s Milwaukee Son. Lire’s advice to young people in Massachusetts who, rich only in each other’s hearts, are about to marry: “ Think of Tewksbury.” THE Sweet Singer of Michigan wants to die in June, like her brother poet, Bryant. When we reflect how dismally distant June is, and how fecund is the Sweet Singer, this aspiration of Julia seems like a cruel pro- crastination.

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A SUGGESTION FOR A PICTURE. To the Editor of Lire: Str : Excuse bad English and cor- rect bad spelling. I came from the mountains of Kentucky to New York for trading in cattle and wool, and for pleasure and seeing pictures in your paper. I bought one for the fun. Now, I write this, because I want you to do me a favor that comes in your line. It grows out of the kind of mud in the streets here. Where I live we have nothing like it, though we can brag on three or four kinds of mud when the subject comes up in earnest. For in- stance, there is the hill mud. The loose, flat rocks rest on it, and you just have to step on one and up go your heels, and you find yourself sliding down the mountain side faster than any sort of wheel can spin, till you bring up in the creek at the bottom. There you come to the second kind of mud. That kind is generally two feet deep, and hangs on to a fellow’s foot like to pull his boot off, and at the last explodes with a loud sound. This is suppos- ing the weather is wet Then, third, there is the yellow mud of the dirt roads, that gets thinner and thinner for rain and travel, and splashes all over a rider and horse, which is double trouble, the horse having to be cleaned too. But I never saw any mud out in Kentucky like you have on Broadway and some other streets on a bad day. Where the black, shiny, sticky, tough, slippery stuff comes from I can’t think. Does it come down with the rain, or ooze up from between the rocks? There is none when it’s dry. Anyhow, there A . eee ought to be some way of keeping the WHERE THE SHOE PINCHES. Uncle Reuben : Yass, EPHRIM, BUT YO SHOULD DO AS YO IS DONE BY. Eph: Yass, UNCLE RUBE, BUT DIS CHILE HAINT NEVER BEEN DONE streets clear of it, or else signs ought to be stuck up giving strangers warning how it is more slippery than ice. While I am writing this I am waiting for my boots and breeches to dry for brushing, all being daubed from falling in Broadway, while in a hurry to dodge stages and wagons coming at me fast and slow, in droves, both ways. My hat, too. But what I started to tell you was about three young men on Fulton street, with beaver hats and slick over- coats and women’s shoes. They were crossing, one behind the other, and a-dodging the horses that were poking out their fore feet at them, like bad skaters. Without lying, just then the last of the three nice young men lost his footing, and at the same time that he lit back on his shoulders his feet struck the one ahead of him, where he couldn’t see back to dislodge the blow, and he was spun backwards on to his head, too, and his legs, reaching to the first fellow, it wasn’t more than half a second before all of them were sliding along and grabbing handfuls of the mud. Now, what I want you to do, is make me a picture of these three young men and the mud to take back with me to Kentucky. Truly yours, SIMON MENIFIC. Now the base-ball season has set in with its usual severity in our American institutions of learning, “Fielding ” is a most seasonable title for a book. Un- fortunately it is only a volume of the English Men of Letters series by Austin Dobson. “ ScIENCE in Short Chapters” is a newly Imported English book. For the American market it lacks a chapter on Scientific Humor, or the Extraction of Mer- ty Jests from the Bent Pin, the Upturned Tack, the Aggressive Stove-pipe, the Expensive Oyster and the Chicago Girl’s Broad-guage Foot. 8 8 —

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«ANOH LV» ANO hvols Inwnd ¥ ralel ambs ou Ny = OTD E syop zissvs¥ win gang WoT LsinooLuvy W20TID | j NIDVTS —3J0Z-ZIHIV]Y MOTO" ; b pha Yaliym 21H09 ¥201),9 O1 hog -321440 12019.0 5 * LIFE - 240

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LIFE Degraaf & Taylor, FurNITURE AND BeEppING. To Buyers in the all-important business of — their houses and apartments we would be especially gratified to show our new productions and rapid advancement in this industry. Price and quantity in sight, ready for selection, are our Special Inducements at this season. DEGRAAF & TAYLOR, 47 and 49 West 14th St., 48 West 15th St., Between sth and 6th Avs., NEW Y ORK, — These famous Steel Pens com- bine the essential qualities of ag Durability and real Swan uill action, and are uited to all styles of writing. For sale everywhere. vison, Blakeman, Taylor & Co., N. Ye “Cavanagh, Sandford & Co., Merchant Tazlors and Importers, pe am 16 West 23d STREET, Opposite 5th Ave. Hotel. NEw York. All the latest London fabrics regularly imported. BILLIARDS. THE MOST EXTENSIVE MANUFACTURERS OF 1AI ieee - BILLIARD AN Con TABLES IN THE WORLD, The J. M. BRUNSWICK & BALKE C0., 724 Broadway. New York. The Collender Billiard and Pool Tables have received the first premiums, the latest Triumphs being the Grand Medal—the highest premium over all na- tions—awarded to the Collender Billiard Tabfes, and Com- bination Cushions, Balls, Cues, &c., at the Paris Exhibi- tion of 1878. At the Centennial Commission, Philadelphia, in 1876, the combination cushions were reported the only ones scientifically correct in the angles of incidence and re- flection. New and second-hand billiard tables, in all de- signs, at the lowest prices. The H. W. COLLENDER COMPANY, 768 Broadway, New York. 241 Tremont St., Boston. 15 South Fifth St., St. Louis. 113 S. 9th St., Philadelphia. 84 and 86 State St. } Chicago. 367W. altimore St. Baltimore. NOTES AND EXTRACTS. ‘Render unto Scissors those things which are Scissors.” —[St. Paul to the Fenians IV., rz, 44.] MIGHT not the Keely motor be termed a stationary engine. VERMONT has two female mail carriers. It is a handy way of getting all the freshest news when the newspapers are delayed. —S/. Paul Dispatch. A DETROIT FREE PRESS correspondent says he wrote a column letter ‘‘ by the glare of the lightning.” Jersey lightning, probably.—S¢. Paul Dispatch. AN Irishman, seeing a Dude emerge from Delmon- ico’s the other night, exclaimed:—‘‘Oi say, come down out of that—will yez, from under th’ hat. Maybe ye think oj can’t see the legs of yez a danglin down.” Tony Pastor has just paid $68,000 for a residence in New York. Very few pastors can afford so expen- sive a luxury, but, then, few pastors have so large a flock.—Soston Transcr 1pt. ‘*WE know thee, gentle spring,” sings a poet. In- deed, but this poet would be a good fellow to take along at a masquerade. He could penetrate almost any disguise.—Portland Transcript. AN old lady was asked her opinion about Mrs. Smith, her next-door neighbor. ‘‘ Well,” she said, ‘*T am not the one to speak ill of anybody, but I feel very sorry for Mr. Smith.—/ortland Transcript. ‘*Is the howling of a dog always followed by a death ?” asked a little girl of her father. ‘* Not al- ways, my dear; sometimes the man that shoots at the dog misses him,” was the parent's reply. —Denver Tribune. Human bones have been found in the dedrzs of the old post-office in New York, They are supposed to be the remains of people who were reckless enough to bother the stamp clerk who was reading the last novel. —Phladelphia News. A CORRESPONDENT informs us that a something called a ‘‘ Dude”’ has appeared in New York, and is the subject of much comment. Our correspondent must be mistaken. If a Dude had appeared-in New York the newspapers would have said something about it.— Norristown Herald. HEGEMAN’S GASTRICINE, A specific for dy ———. Sold y all druggists. 25 and 50 cents per box, nt by mail. J. N. Heceman & Co., Broadway, corner 8th Street, N. y? INSURANCE. Tue EouliTaBLe LirE ASSURANCE SOCIETY, 120 BROADWAY, NEW YORK, ASSETS, - - - $48,000 000, Having declared its policies, over three years in force, to be INCONTESTABI.E, announces that all such incontestable policies will be paid at matu- rity, without rebate of interest, immediately after the receipt at the Society’s office in New York of satisfactory proofs of death, together with a valid and satisfactory discharge from the parties in interest. HENRY B. HYDE, President. JAMES W. ALEXANDER, tst Vice-Pres’t. SAMUEL BORROWE, 2d Vice-Pres’t. WILLIAM ALEXANDER, Secretary. United States Mutual ACCIDENT Association, $20 Broadway, N.Y. $5,000 ACCIDENT INSURANCE. DEMNITY. MEMBERSHIP FEE, $4. ANNUAL COST ABOUT $11. $10,000 INSURANCE, WITH $50 WEEKLY INDEMNITY, AT CORRESPONDING RATES. WRITE OR CALL FOR CIRCULAR AND APPLICATION BLANK. European Permits without Extra Charge. CHAS. B. PEET (of Rogers, on & Co.), Pres't. JAS. R. PITCHER, Sec’y. 320 & 322 BROADWAY, ‘NEW YORK. $25 WEEKLY In- BANKERS. ~ WILLIAM POLLOCK, BANKER AND BROKER, No. 25 PINE StT., N.Y. All issues of Government Suadiies, Bank Shares, Rail- way Stocks and Bonds bought and sold on commission or carried on a margin. Special attention given to Invest- ments. Interest allowed on deposits WILLIAM POLLOCK, MEMBER NEW YoRK STOCK EXCHANGE. A. G. HEMINWAY. TRUMAN HEMINWAY. A. G. HEMINWAYS CoO., BANKERS AND BROKERS, 11 Wall Street, New York. “ Now good digestion wait on appetite, ‘* And health on both.” —SHAKESPEARE, “Common Sense’ Lunch Room, 135 Broanway (cor. Cedar St.), TAMES P. WHEDON, Manager. A FOUNTAIN PEN. ALWAYS WRITES, NEVER CLOGS OR GETS OUT OF ORDER. PRICES $1.50 UPWARDS. SEND FOR CIRCULAR, A. S. FRENCH, 199 B’way, N. Y

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