Judge 1929-04-06: Vol 96

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SNE ACTUALLY SLAYS YOU/

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‘No extra price Everywhere ... on highways of every State, stands on the Texaco pump, a symbol of high test quality. Motorists who have regularly used “premium” motor fuels, who willingly paid 3¢ to 5¢ extra, now prefer the new and better Texaco Gasoline. For Texaco stands every test. It forms a dry gas. It starts easier — it accelerates quicker and, mile after mile, it de- 5 livers a full measure of honest power. Try Texaco today. Learn the real meaning of “ high test.” THE TEXAS COMPANY, TEXACOQO PETROLEUM PRODUCTS The NEW and BETTER TEXACO GASOLINE One ote ew A Bee CC dl GC EE lhUh i hr Cl OM DD ee. « « + © *ee -ee8 ae Mm’ e6°,",*." *“*. ewe Ee. ©606ChlCfCUCOr ”6—lC EE CO ECC lll “Oe ee we wath Bee... OCC” | tt Se Br. 2 Ge ee = i I ) i ee oe « ." § Fb Be e ee & & ee i ee a Oe eee 8 © Oe yo #e “0 * oe

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SUVGING™ BOOKS the new spring books we want to list EFORE we start on and outstand- ing publications which we recommend a few have previously reviewed. “Red Harvest.” Dashiell by Hammett—A marvelous under world thriller, crammed with frame-ups, bombings, and gang A fights. “Rome Haul,” by Walter D. Edmonds A romantic panorama | of life on the Erie Canal back in 1850. “Believe It or Not.” by R. L. Ripley—A curious jumble of odd nd fantastic facts, collected and author. Kay ( leaver A highly diverting mys illustrated by the \ “Footprints,” Strahan by tery story, and the winner of the Scotland Yard prize, “Mamba’s Daughters.” by Du Bose Heyward—A truthful and 1 beautiful ind the novel of old Charleston industrial new South. “The Case of Sergeant Grisha,” by Arnold Zweig—A long but gripping wartime story of a Russian prisoner on the East- rn front. ~The Magic Island.” by W. B. Pel) abrook Weird ( x perience 8. with voodoo raft and Haitian black “The Snake Pit.” Sigrid Unset—A_ powerful of medieval Norway and a sequel to The Axe.” The ceived the Nobel and interesting witch magic. by trage dy author has re Prize. “Memoirs of a Fox-Hunting Man.” Siegfried Sassoon—A charming story of country life in by pre-war England, ending with the jarring note of the World War. “How’s and Why's of Human Dor An explanation of how our Behaviour.” by George A. sey " bosses, wives and sweethearts get that way, by the author of “Why P We Behave Like Human Beings.” ~The Bishop Murder Case.” by S. S. Van Dine—A shocker which Philo again untangles an apparently un perfect in Vance solvable and exceedingly ingeni- ous mystery. “Elizabeth and Essex,” Lytton Strachey— The most en joyvable of all recent books. The tragic romance of Queen Eliza- beth and the youthful Earl of Essex. —Trp Suant by T° OF DISTINCTION NO 10 CooL Meld a ay GC © The Union Tobacco Company Coat Room Girl: “One of you gentlemen smoking the Melachrinos STRAW TIPS must have lost these bonds.” CORK TIPS PLAIN ENDS 10 FOR 15¢ LARGE SIZE 30c¢ Do You Play Bridge? Then Clip This Coupon... THE UNION ToBacco COMPANY C 4.6.29 ; 511 Fifth Avenue, New York City : Initials en ee / i Gentlemen: I am a bridge player, and would like to have your Melachrino-Bridge offer of 60 Melachrino Cigarettes ant. —Cork tip, Straw tip and Plain ends—ascore-pad with the official rules of contract bridge and two packs of Address gilt-edge Congress Cards (free of any advertising) bearing my monogram — $4.75 value, obtainable for 2.50 with this coupon, to introduce Melachrinos. i ae WHEN ORDINARY 1 CIGARETTES WON’T DO—SMOKE MELACHRINOS

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Heard the national anthem of the Stude- baker Commander” ? Shoot”. 'T'll Get By’. On the main drag, high- way, hills, detours—I'll get by—sweet as @ song.” "Right—and ‘The Melody Lingers On’!"’ | “ “ “ HEN the spotlight was turned on the new motor mode, a sparkling quin- tet of smart new Studebakers ran away with the applause. ..and they are still busy taking curtain calls. In the original designs of these Studebaker Broughams, Convertible Cabri- olets, Victorias, Coupes and Roadsters there is a certain thrilling quality of flowing curve and arresting accent. They express the gal- lantry of Studebaker performance .. . that holds a// stock car records for speed and endurance. No wonder young America is showing such enthusiastic preference for ) these smarter, swifter Studebaker champions. TY | | Studebaker Commander Eight Convertible Cabriolet $1645. Also \ available on the Commander Six chassis at $1495. Twocars in \ P he a voad ster for bright days...an enclosed coupe for Nature's > = frown. Carries four with ease in lounge seat and spacious rumble. Se ' Six wire wheels and luggage grid standard equipment. Bumpers and spare tires extra. n

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JUDGING THE NEWS A new device that is now on Chicago police are attempting Tossing off sacks of mail at the the market should go a long way to solve the recent Valentine mur various cities is the latest devel toward taking the sting out of the ders by mailing a questionnaire to opment proposed for the air mail Jones Law: it’s a combination every gangster in the city; but. service. Personally, we'll hid flask and cigarette lighter, using so far. all the answers have been down cellar when they start deliv the same liquid in both. anonymous or written on both ering our Saturday Evening Post. sides of the paper. A recent headline in the Her- And right in the face of all ald Tribune says: “Calories Van At last we have really found this advertising about Reach for ish on Childs’ Menu. So Do out something definite about Mr. ‘a Lucky Instead of a Sweet. a Vitamins.” And, if you're not Coolidge: he'd rather write than friend of ours claims that he'd careful, so will your » hat and coat. be President. walk a mile for a caramel.

SAMOS Teh 6< Th @aiP FARMER Them Huzzies don’t seem to realize that I’m a married man! JUDGE, Volume 96, No. 2475, April 6, 1929 Entered : as Second-C lass Matter October 21, ISS1, at the Post Office at New York | ( “ity, N. Y., under act of March 3, 1879 Additional entry at Jamaica, L.1.;N. Y. $5.00a year. l5cacopy. Published Weekly by Judge Publishing Co.. Inc., 18 East 48th Street, New York, N. Y., and copyrighted 1929, by it in the U. S. and Great Britain: Fred L. Rogan, President; Ralph P. Campbell, Vice President; Vernal W. Bates Treasurer; Joseph T. ‘Cooney, Secretary, 18 I L 48th St.. New York, N.Y. Particular attention is called to the fact that every article and picture appearing in JUDGE \s protected under the provisions of Section 3 of the Copyright Law of the U. 8. ray o

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JUDGE / 8 “Cute rascal, all dressed up like a man.” Literary Luminaries The Harold Bell Writer Out where the males are the far- thest from she men, Out where the ranchers are friendly and free men, Out where there’s hair on the chests of the he men— That's where his tales begin. Though he has never been west of New Haven, Out where the villains are cow- ardly craven, Out where the heroes are pure and clean-shaven That’s where his tales begin. Out where the venomeus rattle- snakes rattle, Out where the cowboys are nurse maids to cattle, Out there where Virtue and Vice grimly battle That’s where his tales begin. Out where the treacherous red- skin is stealthy, Out where the tenderfoot finds it unhealthy, Out where the pot-boiling authors grow wealthy That’s where his tales begin! Artuer L. Lippmann The night watchman, on his night off, probably sits up and waits for his daughter to come home. Only a Scotchman Could Do That A Scotchman walked a mile for a Camel. He smoked it all the way back home. In Chicago they ‘go boom” first and ‘faw down’ afterwards, Or a Parachute If I had the wings of an angel, I think that my joy’d be com- plete ; I'd have not the least bit of trouble In leaving some darned rumble seat. —R. C. O’Brien Grim Fairy Tales “No, sir, singeing the hair really does no good.” “T’ve never thought of writing a play.” “No, sir, we don’t serve liquor here.” “It’s all right this time, but don’t come down the Drive at sixty miles an hour again.” “Yes, this is my farewell tour.” “Here you are, sir—two in the eighth row center.” “Of course, madam, we will cheerfully refund your money.” “My youngster never says any- thing bright or cute.” “You're a dear, but I really don’t need a new coat this spring.” —Hat Smiru Then there’s the fellow who crawled under the dresser to hide from his collar-button. “Shameful! Disgraceful! Godiva riding that poor old nag. Why, you can almost see his ribs yo

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JUDGE — ee : ” = “In The Spring .... aga roy [o It used to be, in the good old Gs - J A: | days, a young man’s fancy lightiy \ oul necene + turned, in the spring, to thoughts c vant - ; HALP: (° Wd of love. Pos S P sf r : a ti. /3 WKS \ .S Now the young man’s fancy \ % t \ / D turns to thinking of how in the “9 . ie

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dickens is he going to rate the money to take in the Ke ntucky Dx rby, and if he goes, will he — —_ have to bum his way back ? Some young men’s light fancy is of fishing—and some of hunt ing. Lots of fellows are begin ning to wonder whether their ap

proach shots will improve this spring. If not, they swear that they'll take up tennis. Others are thinking seriously of Canada, ; : i for the winter's ale will have “Oh, well, Emma just would reduce!” been properly aged by spring. Several of the seniors in the Not Pittsburg Foul Verse colleges are lightly turning to Se a ne me ' thoughts of a job but pretty ; lightly. As far as love is con cerned for them, their only thoughts are: “Wonder if I'll So pleass save all your pity; ’ She thinks it is Chicago 2] Coes That’s called the smoky city.

. / being repaired.” may:

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News Report K. O Baloney starts training. News Report K. O. Baloney can’t find good sparring partner. in perfect shape.” f News Report K. O. Baloney says, “He’s i) | YY} ‘] | Hole ~ Nigut oF THE Ficut K. O. Baloney. ‘ 4 Rn JUDGE Tribulation Gloom pervaded the modest house in Northampton. Even Mrs. Coolidge’s usual cheery smile had left her countenance. And Calvin himself was more silent than ever, if possible. You could have heard a pin drop on a plush carpet. The only sound heard was that of the postman’s footsteps, growing fainter and fainter in the distance. Outside flowers were blooming, the sun was shining, all the world was happy and gay. Inside this house, which harbored a former president of the Great Republic, there was sadness. And yet sadness is not the word. It was not that. It was numbness following amazement and result- ing in dejected spirits. It was temporary, of course. It would wear off. The next mail would bring better tidings. Mrs. Coolidge sympathized with her husband, although she, perhaps, better than anyone, knew that he had brought it all upon himself. Any number of offers had come to him upon his retirement. ‘Take, for instance, that editorship of a western news- paper. It could never have hap- pened then; it never could happen to an editor. Such periods of depression are not unusual in the profession; but it was doubly shocking here be- cause it was the first time it had happened. And it was wholly unexpected, as the first time al- ways is. So, gloom pervaded the modest house in Northampton. And Cal- vin himself was more silent than ever. The cause of it all? Mr. Coolidge, as a free-lance writer, had received his first re- jection slip. —R. C. O’Brien Cigarette Manufacturers’ Version “Where there’s smoke there’s a testimonial.” They’d Have To Blink—You’'d never do in the talkies; you stutter. Blank—B-but they c-c-could t-t-take mum-m-me in sl-slow m-motion. 6

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There! BurGrar Adland Letter Box Questions advertising celebrities. answered regarding Adland Editor, Sir: I should like to know about the career of the Countess Katherine Kosho- witz. Can you help me?—An Admirer. The Countess Kosho- witz has been eminent in the tes- 1899, Made appearance in the Go- (1899-1900 ) endorsing Jubilee Jams and Jel- Answer: timonial field since her first phe r Falls Clarion lies. Appearances followed in im- portant rural newspapers (1901 1909) endorsing old Dr. Peptic’s Household Panacea and Mange Under the name of Sue Simpkins, won much popularity Cure. in metropolitan newspapers en- Regal Baking Following frequent dorsing Powder. appearance S 1909-1927) as endorser for tal- cum powders, hydraulic brakes, monkey wrenches and_ stomach pumps, achieved her first real national success in Saturday Eve

JUDGE é i if } { I = ( rw I ors “The steeplejack who prom- ised to meet his gal underneath the clock for lunch.”

I knowed I should ’ave stayed home from business with a cold! ning Host (1928) endorsing merits of Little ¢ orporal Riple Ss Knee Pants. tured in new Now being fea national series for Patterson's Paints. Is under con tract to endorse, during 1929, Fogarty’s Fountain Pens, Hast ing’s Hot Water Bags, Dorgan’s Dog Biscuits, Cohen’s Cantilever Bridges and Winthrop’s Long life Indestructible Toothpicks. —Artuvur L. Lippmann If all the people riding in rum ble seats at this moment were to get out and stand side by side they would stretch. Ned—Well, how is your com panionate marriage Jed — Terrible - wife’s address! working out? - I’ve lost my “What business is he in?” “Pots and pans.” “Oh—hardware, eh?” “No—girth reducing and facial treatments.”

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a hie yes 49 EF) J ; Li, YW, 4 tiff - eer oer ’ ‘ EO ieee ama! J Be): “PURSE How to repel a burglar—dress up as another burglar and order him off your job. Around the Shops with “Babs” Perelman Girls, I found the QUAINTEST shop yesterday ! It was in one of those quaint little old-world alleys off Evans Street and the quaintest old man in just the quaintest smock in the world charged me eight times what I would have paid in Mimbel’s base ment. Junior, take the knishes off the stove; Mam- ma is busy writing an article for the turks out in the tall celery. This week, as you know, girls, is the one hundred and twelfth anniversary_of the birth of A. A. Milne, the good, gray poet, whose memory is ever green on account of his S\ nopsis ot ‘“'Thanatopsis,” died in Harness, L. I. I went to Harness recently and I must say I was shocked at some of the events that took place there. The first event was a ten-round go be- tween Sailor Blumenthal vs. Patsy Spivack, both welters. Spivack smeared the tar all over the canvas and hit him on the gong so often it sounded like an alarm clock. Ugh! The bru- tality of it, and can you imagine! Bessie and I had to pay four forty for seats for the —s match next Tues day at the Ar- mory. But what a Fig. 1 Fig. 2 flutter-budget I am, to be sure, she murmured, her face suffused with color. I feel all nebby or some- thing; it must be that lacquer-remover I drank last night. I must tell you about some of the novel things I saw while I was downtown shopping with Vilma Banky. Mr. Ramsbottom has some English walking- sticks with the most unusual heads. When the handle of Fig. 1 is turned it releases a stream of the most delicious hot chocolate, which is kept at the proper temperature in a thermos bottle inside the cane. For those who desire the more complete beverage Mr. Ramsbottom also stocks a quart-size whipped-cream container to be worn strapped to the left leg just above the tibia. lig. 2 is more elaborate; it contains both coffee and tea and even sweet buns on Friday. A clerk in Mr. Ramsbottom’s shop named Serena Blandish, or a Gentlewoman of Quality, reported that after fifteen turns of the handle she received an order of roast milk-fed veal, hashed brown potatoes, and a rather homely girl with the sweetest disposition in the world who had attended Mt. Sinai for three years but had been expelled in her junior year for simony. Fig. 3 is the sensation of Mr. Ramsbottom’s shop, a general

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JUDGE utility instrument for people who are inveterate question - askers. Few of us care to bother carrying around a pocket ful of question- marks; this instrument when held up in plain view will warn your friends that you are about to query,and the blunt side makes an ideal means of commanding at tention. It can also be used to trap foxes, and is simply delicious with a little sugar and cream. The beauty of this is that it has already been boiled when _ it reaches you and so requires no steaming or shrinkine. Just rub The spirit of their Alma Mater, to whom they have been sing- a little of it on your grandmother ing, suddenly materializes and gives them a piece of her mind. . . _ 9 . . wipe with a bit of chamois, and your rubber-plant will sing like a canary. All you girls who wear dress- shields will be mad about the one shown in Fig. 4. The little loop fits snugly over the shoulders and you can even hold up your stock ings by smearing the inside of them with rubber cement and pasting them to your legs. Fish- ermen’s wives should be a sucker for these and if your husband is a disciple of Edith Wharton (the patron saint of the finny art) he can throw away his creel and give you his carps to care for. And now, girls, if you'll pardon me, I have to run out to the grocer’s and get a hot towel; I promised talph a hot towel supper and be sides his mother is coming over with Irma at eight and I’m not even shaved yet. Come over soon again, won't you, and we'll rip a herring in half. PERELMAN Parker’s Panacea Parker’s days were filled with fears, Parker’s nights with dread. Voices screamed in Parker’s ears, Strident voices said, “Don’t park by the waterspout, Don’t park by the park, Don't park when the sun is out, Don't park after dark, “Don’t park by the public hacks, Don't park by the chalk, Don’t park by the trolley tracks, Don’t park by the walk, Don’t park by the mountain-side, Don’t park by the wood—” Parker sipped some cyanide. Now he’s parked for good! The ea-halfback who used to fumble still has the same old —Artuvur L. Lippmann failing.

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JUDGE Sandy MacGregor buys his spring business out fit

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| CRIs rv car JUDGE ee me ee Curemist—Thank gawd, I’m too poor to buy much of this! We Can’t Imagine Douglas Fairbanks making a picture without a single jump in it. Prohibition being enforced. Coolidge writing for True Stories. Grover Whalen without his mustache. Mayor Walker curing a cold at the City Hall. A sound movie without a theme song. A trolley conductor taking it good-naturedly when you hand him a twenty-dollar bill to change. Peggy Joyce making a_ pur- chase at the jewelry counter at Woolworth’s. A home witheut a can-opener. A Scotchman losing a golf ball. A drug store all out of sand- wiches. A laundry sewing the buttons back on. —R. C. O’Brien Movie Proverbs The tighter the uniform, the stiffer the usher. The longer the picture, the more familiar the theme song. The nearer the center of the row, the fewer the disturbances. The darker the theatre, the more useless the program. The bigger the symphony or chestra, the longer the conductor’s hair. The nearer the screen, the stiffer the neck. The less talk in the picture, the more in the audience. —R. C. O’Brien The strap-hanger brings up his son so he’ll be hardened to it. 11

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JUDGE SPRING!

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JUDGE Editor, Jack Shuttlewortt Abolish Private Cops ‘ sHAMED before the world’, the sovereign State of A Pennsylvania seems to be screwing up her nerve to take the action, long overdue, of abolishing the private police of the coal and iron companies. The last was the brutal murder of John Barcoski, a striker, on February 10th. The coal and iron policemen are charged with this murder as a result of the coroner’s inquest, at which it was tes- tified that Barcoski was beaten, kicked, jumped on, and so tortured that he died the next day. straw “Pennsylvania is the only State in the union which permits an army of private thugs like the coal and iron police to be maintained on its soil,” says Roger Baldwin of the Civil Liberties Union. When Gifford Pinchot was governor he found six thousand of these private cops holding permits issued by the State. He revoked about thirty-five hundred permits because the holders were criminals or doubtful. The Pittsburgh Coal Company describes its police as “a body of men of whom we are justly proud,” and has stated that “the company does not condone brutality”. Of course. And no doubt the majority of the police are decent fellows, with hearts and heads like the rest of us. But when you hire several thousand men for a dirty job like that, guns and clubs and turn them a large pro- portion of them are bound to turn out to be thugs and sadists. give them loose, Even a city or State government gets a black-sheep cop every so often, but being respon sible to the public, they can break him as soon as he is found out. Private corporations are not respon sible to anybody but themselves. And any corpora tion that maintains such working conditions that it has to have its own police is not likely to be very particular about character or their conduct. In a supposedly civilized land there is only one conceivable alternative—the private police. complete abolition of This is a State, not a Federal matter, but if the Pennsylvania legislature does not move promptly, public opinion will look for action to Sec- retary Mellon, whose influence would be decisive both with the coal companies and the State politicians. Sportsmanship 6 Net stories within twenty-four hours threw con- trasting lights on the cock-eyed, clay-footed idol that we call sportsmanship. Dramatic Editor, George Jean Nathar In Peoria a fifteen-year-old boy who had failed to make the basketball team gritted his teeth and de termined to make his track team. Out for trial, he pounded around the cinder path, and at the finish he fell dead. Overexertion, the said. ‘Too much courage’, said the coach. It’s the wrong kind of sportsmanship that sets such great store on athletic competition that a boy will force himself beyond the limits of endurance. doctors A lot of the running, rowing, wrestling and swimming in our prep schools is en tirely too severe for boys in their teens. On the other hand, there was a pretty bit of true sportsmanship at St. Augustine, where a woman’s golf championship was being played. Billie Hicks, the eighteen-year-old girl who has recently won four big tournaments, was ill on the day of the first round and unable to play. Learning this, her opponent, Miss Madge Miller, instead of accepting a default, promptly decided to default herself. If Billie had been well, Miss Miller would have gone out and taken her licking with But, as she said, “Billie would probably beat me anyhow, and it means more to her than it does to me and to those who want to see her in the tournament.” Her magnanimity en- abled Billie to take a day’s rest and then go through to the finals. Recommended for the attention of country club members who gleefully take every de fault that offers, and enter a tournament and play the first round or two even when they know that they are going to be out of town and will have to default before the finals are reached. a grin. who Much as we pride ourselves on our sportsmanship, too many of us are still crass, thoughtless and un generous, and too often the majority of us put our emphasis on the wrong thing, cheer at the wrong time and worship the wrong heroes. Younger Generation Notes No. 42 Ws both legs amputated, John Dollard, an eighteen-year-old lad in Brooklyn, is a candi date for pitcher on his school team. He props him- self on his wooden legs in the middle of the diamond or in the batter's box, and he gets away with it. Last season he pitched a no-hit game for the second team. Take the average grown-up and cut off his legs, and you cut off his ambition too. But there’s some- thing in this Younger Generation that drives it on to achieve in spite of hell and high water. B. J. W.

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JUDGE _ Ts x | : Three New Uses for Obsolete Objects Salvage Antiques from your Attic, and Realize a Profit! By Dr. Seuss j | 4 ? 7 i ty A Use for your Old Brass Horn | i Off hand I can name more than twenty New i York bank presidents who would like to eat lolly . | pops on their way to work. But none of them | dare; they are afraid that people will talk. If they went to work disguised as bass drum q plavers, however, the size of the horn would divert | the public’s gaze from the lollypop. : | i | A Use for Broken Barometers : If you run across an old barometer while housecl aninyg. 4 don’t throw it away! Your naborhood speakeasy will b r vlad to buy it. All the underworld cafés are hanging them up . . . With the arrows indicating fair weather. When the intruding police see that it is fair weather, they naturally ; assume that good fellows are getting together. And as the V only pinch joints that cater to bad fellows, they call off the raid, leaving the place unmolested. A Use for your Old Grindstones J Only a few weeks ago everyone was painting Easter Eggs. Now that Easter is past, the problem arises how to get the paint off again. Peo } ple pay well to get their Easter bi .ggs cleaned! The diagram shows r two energetic young boys picking up some easy change in their spare time after school.

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JUDGE AT THE . ACME THEATRE IN PERSON ’ a, | COOLIDG | ds: ese WILL Box 5 . VN FOR iS ROUNDs - , , 3 . - 8 ec [acme \ : THEATRE ‘ ‘ \ NX ad = : } V4 Dy Ms erezie Sr Ui sa | ality’ 4 - ‘ : =e Lh fame Fei

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JUDGE wee ¥VePeNY Via — ss ne aise Hii ACI QUICKLY . webs 2 7 _———" hn ar Neves T ~ TP. FEW CHOICE POTS IN THE HA Vag fat ) = L N DROP OUT | laa ¢ ee OF THE PiCcruRE - . wy ra y iguen'g ) 1 . - A rn \ OR THROUGH YOUR, \w . PUBLICITY BROKER - ~ : STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL FA J . e IY YO , _ 4 an we iy zr VUK 5 YEO! = —_ px Y ‘KNOW AND ASSORTED _ FLORIDA LOuISiAN9 | > 2S - - - NGELA |'0 LOVE SOCIAL SHRUBBERY | , ‘sean uy. ——————————— == = ANGELA I'0 Love. FICTION - muy - | S$} OCTavIUS NINN TO GET ONE OF THESE Te | DESIGNER, PIGEON -HOLES FOR PLS {= hee ie “MANUFPACT ( } — TY SIDE - TW Lb} ONE BUTTON Suit? MO Sinner S FoR | POR MEN Cone, RATES ane?) Ye Benr || “i \ ' NE OF a . p CHEAP / _ AMUUS ys . , iy IT ALL DEPENDS Whe "4 ON YOU MODELS a nia HOW \ OUT JUST . A LITTLE ONE NOW LETS GO SEE WHO'S IN “= WHOS WHO ALLERY OF ee LONELY HEARTS os mee ae A syndicate of press agents leases the Hall of Fame 16 “sae

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—— JUDGE THESE ARE GENUINE LOUIS QUINZE LOUIE CANS, VOUCHED SIR JOSEPH SPITTOON Tlere you are, mouth breathers: handy little appliance that will close that yawning kisser of yours forever. “What’ll we do tonight, sweetie, stay at home?” asked ““Good Old George - Gurry. “ Vo, I’ve got a frightful cough, let’s go to the theatre!” twittered Theresa the Tope of Twenty-third Street. For sale cheap, a lady who has been sawed in half and can’t be put together. Social Notes From Chicago The Salagi Gang made an in formal call on Red’s Bunch ves terday and were greeted with great warmth. When interviewed Slugshot Harry remarked after- wards: ‘Fun? Honestly, I thought I'd die!’ The Quigg Street Mob enter tained last week. Bombe glace ind buckwheat shot was served. Lockjaw Joe Boletti was seen driving his new car a few days ago. It was equipped with a non- shatterable wind -shield and a Maxim silencer. Young Lou Shagger has been going the rounds lately. When last seen he looked a bit shot. Several members of the Trip litz Gang have left town sud denly. “Duke” Rafferty and Moll Feroni were married vesterday. The bride was dressed in gun metal silk while for a boutonniére the groom sported a black jack in-the-pulpit. Gifts included a large collection of silver and a lovely steel-plated baby carriage. Spike Yiddif gave a bridge party Thursday which went off with a bang. Parke CUMMINGS Then there was also the Scotch [st Actor—How was your per man who shot his father and formance in that Ku Klux town? mother so he could go to the or 2nd Actor Great knocked phans’ picnic. them right out of their sheets. _——— mo * ow ® HEY,CHUCK, BUNT ME A FEW FLIES CALLED JAKE TO THE CHIEF BUNTER Just copy this cartoon and send it to me and you will receive curses. Allez-oop! Into the dance... . “How do you like the chicken zoup, Mr. Mocky?” asked the landlady. “Er-uh-is this chicken zoup?” inquired the surprised Mocky. “Yes, how do you like it?” hankered Mme. Higgins. “Well-uh-it certainly is very tender, isn’t it?” was Mocky’s laugh line. Oy-I’m shot call a priest quick!

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me ————— — —— JUDGE HAD a better time at “Spring Is Here” than my critical conscience told me I should be having. Sitting here now on a bench in Bryant Park and reflecting upon the show with all my celebrated acu men, I conclude—even as I concluded during the good time I was having in the theatre—that in the way of book, music and dancing the show is surely nothing to get excited about. Yet somehow, as I’ve said, it entertained this august professor while he was lending his handsome and distinguished presence to its first-night performance. That is sometimes the way with these things. And it has nothing to do with cocktails, either. I hadn't negotiated so much as one before the show; I was psychically in anything but a rosy mood; I had with me no companion to borrow cigarettes from during the intermission; and my col- lar was too tight. But the show amused me. As a professional savant who is paid a substantial honor- arium to point out to a palpitating public the flaws of Broadway art and as one who could earn his pay in this case very easily, the show, as I’ve said twice already in this paragraph, regaled me. By this time it is reasonable to assume that for God's sake you'd like to know why. Well, in the first place, it has a lot of low slapstick stuff in it and low slapstick stuff isn’t distasteful to me. Give me the choice of spending an evening looking at Mr. Walter Hampden profoundly contemplating his navel in a drama about Buddha or at one comedian pouring a basin of water on the head of another comedian and then vouchsafing him an obligato upon the fanny, and you have one guess as to which I'll pick. It isn’t Theatre “Spring is Here” (Alvin)—A fair “A Most immoral Lady’ (Cort musical show enlivened by some good Paste displayed proudly by Alice Brady rough-house as if it were the Hope diamond “Young Alexander” § (Biltmore)—A “The Age of Innocence” (Empire) pretentious dud Katharine Cornell relieves a tedious “The Town’s Woman” (Craig)—The °vemne worst kind of trash “Follow Thru” (46th Street)—Highly “The Octereon” (Elliott)—Revival of Commended to your not A superior the celebrated old meller girl and whistle show Solitaire’ (Waldorf)—Claptrap. “@rothers” (48th Street)—A talkie “Little Accident’? (Ambassador)—The "Anne ® Persona! appearance Gy Tas @f\ OWS By GEORGE JEAN NATHAN an acquired taste; I inherited it, my grandmother confided to me, from many generations past. My lamented great-grandfather, in point of fact, died laughing at the first circus clown who stepped on a slat and found to his disconcertment that the slat had a way of flying up in the rear and hitting him a crack on the seat. But enough of family boasting! In the second place, there is a new leading girl in the show, by name Taiz, who rather fetches me. She isn’t particularly pretty, but there’s a refreshing air to her, and she sings very nicely. In the third place, there is Charles Ruggles whose monkeyshines gener- ally exhilarate me, to say nothing of a hoofing zany named Landry whose feet have considerable gusto in them. Then, too, there is a little baggage program- med as the Mile. White who doesn’t do much of any thing, which is a relief, and that I’d rather look at doing that not much of anything than at Bertha Kalich playing all the characters in “The Kreutzer Sonata”. (It’s too bad about that man Nathan; he doesn’t make the most of his talents. But maybe it’s the Spring.) Then there is one fairly good tune by Richard Rodgers, though his score is the poorest he has turned out in a long while. And there’s some entertainment in seeing Glenn Hunter, who can’t sing a note or dance a single step, pathetically trying to pass himself off as a musical comedy actor. The producers of the show have tried to borrow a leaf from the producers of “Good News” and “Follow Thru” and to inject the youthful note into their ex- hibit. Although they have hired a number of suffi- ciently young performers (Continued on page 28) Digest “The New Moon” (Imperial) —Rom- “Street Scene” (Playhouse)—This one berg’s songs retailed by some capable will doubtless get the Pulitzer prize, but warblers don't let that discourage you from “Let Us Be Gay” (Little)—A periodi- Seeing it. cally droll comedy by La Crothers. “The Earth Between” (Provincetown) me i —A poorly written attempt to tell the Meet the Prinses” Lyceum)—A dull tale of a papa who had a yen for his one by Le Milne daughter “indiscretion” (Mansfield) —Nothing “Kibitzer”’ (Royale)—Automat laughs could be worse. “The Red Robe” (Shubert)—The “Pleasure Bound” (Majestic)—Comi- _ tunes will fall pleasantly upon your ears amusing fable of a bootleg baby and its “The Whispering Gallery” (49th perplexed papa “Harlem” (Apollo)\—A Negro play with stuff in it to interest you. “Blackbirds” (Eltinge)—A gala dusky tap and tune show “Mima” (Belasco)—The Hippodrome visited upon a dramatic atom. “Flight” (Booth Miserable junk. “Fioretta” (Carroll) —A swell eye show but hard on the ear Street)—You've seen it a hundred times before under different titles. “Conflict’”’ (Fulton)—There are several points of virtue to it but, as a whole, it misses hre . “Caprice” (Guild)—Mild but pleasant Viennese comedy on the subject of the wariner emotions “The Perfect Alibi’ (Hopkins)— Mystery stuff rather better than the usual run 18 cal revue, and take a look at the Senorita “The Front Page’’ (Times Square) Moreno. “Dynamo” (Beck)—O'Neill’s goose- berry. “Serena Biandish’’ (Morosco)—Ably acted and ably produced, but pretty flat. ™ ’’ (New Amsterdam)—The jocose Cantor surrounded by glorified female epidermis. “Holiday” (Plymouth)—Leisurely little comedy that will entertain you A farce to massage your ribs “Lady Fingers” § (Vanderbilt)—Dr Buzzell's whimsies are entertaining “She Got What She Wanted” (\Val- lack’s)—Tripe “Cyrano de Bergerac” (Hampden's) Good revival of Rostand’s masterpiece “Journey’s End” (Miller)—To be reviewed “Buckaroo” (Erlanger)—Ditto

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JUDGE LAUGHS 83) ToLig! TMU? | \ | [A | 4Aae Sian ( So AD Tc ; Yo see: FIND Y5 ma | ©} ST 39 : “4 Cy, / | 7 F | ] \ oe ai =. on 7 Y| ™~ .: J 4 a) NE i hs - > 2_____ SEE “WS SRPcE NEXT WEEK —-\MReTANT XMAS CARD ANNOUNCEMEAIT —> // 19

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JUDGE RES So 5 SS ES Club Life ImGlmerica THE ATHLETIC CLUB 20

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—E — ——_ SS —“‘—FU sane a . j JUDGE SUVGING HEMOVIESS Iw Fr I hadn't been half killed by a crowd of admirers | who tried to tear a piece from Lupe Velez’s cos tume when she appeared in person, singing with dancing, at a local theatre, and if I hadn’t been so fortunate as to have been blessed with a parent who could keep the neighbors up until all hours with her singing, and make them like it, I wouldn't be so sore. But I beseech the promoters, relatives. and friends of Miss Velez to wrap up her music and mark it “Not to be ope ned until Christmas 1999". She may be a vood actress, but from her work in “The Wolf Song’”’ ind in her latest picture “Lady of the Pavements” she is nothing but a hoping, wistful slip of a girl who some day wants to study Voice. Maybe the trouble is due to the fact that Jesse Lasky used to play a trombone. I wouldn’t be sur prised some day to see a masterpiece showing us the great executive blowing himself into esoteric Wall Street circles. Remembering the movie that opened the Paramount Theatre God Gave Me Twenty Cents’, I believe it was) we might temporarily name it “Sliding to Paradise” What I’m driving at is that I’d rather hear Jesse and his trombone than sit through another one of Miss Velez’s nasal efforts at (1) singing, (2) sob bing, (3) loving, with one throat operation. You can't do it. Miss Velez Outside of the singing, ““Lady of the Pavements” is just horrible. The movies are still operating under That, I appreciate, isn’t news, but I object to scenes such the old Victorian slogan “Love Conquers all”’ as we are given in this picture, which delineate sophisticated society women uttering words and con ducting themselves in intrigues bevond the most sor did conjecture of a Hollywood waitress. Any woman mav be mean and low, but the society woman of Lady of the Pavements” is just a tabloid headline. Ax on ia lay \/) By we PARE LORENTZ The scene I mention is the old thriller in which the heroine is humiliated before hundreds of distinguished guests, and then turns to (a) rip off her clothing and defy society, (b) claim that love is stronger than blue bleod. ‘This time it was variation (b There is noth ing to recommend “Lady of the Pavements” except the title. [ser ap of the present movie vogue of having actors trving to be musicians, why not have musicians Thus, we could have Heifitz, Rachmaninoff and similar headliners playing char trving to be actors? acter roles and then discovering, after six easy les- sons, that they had Talent, and play the theme song for little Abie, and Rosie, and the boys at the g: house during the rest of the picture. It wouldn't be difficult to listen to those gentlemen. is In all fairness Richard Barthelmess has a very pleasing voice. He'll never be taken into Grand As such, I don't see why the producers don’t let him keep it where it belongs. He is a splendid actor, but in ‘ Weary River” he is called upon to sing the title song not less than ten times, and I defy anybody short of John McCormack to sing “Weary River” ten times and make you like it. The story has moments of reality but sermons, Opera, but it’s a good parlor tenor. lectures from the wise old warden, theme songs. theme songs, theme songs. make the production dull and tiresome. I would like to repeat, (because you'll forget it if you see the movie) that Barthelmess is one of the best actors in the movies. It’s too bad his employers discovered he could sing. Personally, I hope he works up a few card tricks for them. There are a few miscellaneous items to take up before we leave. The last shot in “Weary River’ is stolen from Buster Keaton’s (Continued on page 31 The Movie Guide “All at Sea’’—Dane and Arthur in “The Dummy” —A little child makes I sailor comedy this comedy swell “A Woman of Affairs’’—We rescind our “End of St. Petersburg’ —The Russian dirt racks of Garbo Big Parade—and better “Brotherly Love’’—Fun in prison be- “Interference” —Splendid cast handi- tween Dane and Arthur capped by dull scenario. “The Canary Murder Case’’—Dull " ler talkie “Lady of the Pavements” —In this “Case of Lena Smith” —Extraordinarily “The Letter” Jeanne Eagles is swell, gt yut it’s dull withal. “Man in the tron Mask” —Fairbanks “Sins of the Fathers’ Janning again ing desperately into his beer “The Patriot” —You know about Emil ; Jannings in this one. sis “Shadows of Fear’’—Sordid, and gripping French picture. “Redskin” — Dix makes a surprisingly good Indian “Weary River’ —In this issue. “The MRescue”’—Photography and music make it worth while “Wolf Song” —Awful. “The River’’—A good job of the novel. “Wolf of Wall Street’’—Bogey tale.

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WIG I was insulted at Tex Guinan’s t’other morning. See Mac's draw- ing. Had an interesting experience in a quiet place with a girl a few nights ago. It was about mys- tery novels. She's as much of a mystery fiend as I and we tabu lated the ten most recent mystery novels we had both read. Then we checked off, truthfully, those we had solved before the end of the stories. She checked off six. I checked four. None of those which I checked were on her list. That, however, was not the interesting point. Those she checked were particularly gruesome and repulsive as concerned the murder element. You can just betcha I never date that girl again. I shudder to think of the narrow escapes I may have already had! Everything has been extraordinarily quiet along the collegiate front of late. The lads are busy dick ering with Uncle Moe to care for their coonskins until fall. Clothes, furniture, and quips for the Cheer Leaders page in JupGe are being sold and the nickels hoarded against expensive proms. Form letters are being sent to lovely young ladies through- JUDGE yr. \ > | out the land Spring is here with its attendant mush, and the lights of the autographed Ford are being dimmed in lonely lanes. Youth is sprawled on a dormitory window-sill smoking a_ pipe. frowning at the first worries of exams, wondering whether he “ought to stay on in the college town through the summer and maybe marry that girl at the hotel cigar-stand or go back home and work in the hardware store and go on those long moon light rides in the hard- ware store’s °17 Buick truck with Jeanette ... Jeanette showed signs of getting fat last fall... may have to make a play for Irene King . . . won- der if that Jones “‘flat’’ is hangin’ around her yet . and I wonder if the “Governor” will continue his custom of sticking the cancelled checks I wrote at College under my plate at dinner my first night at home... I wonder if the hardware store will pay me seventeen bucks a week this summer instead of fifteen .. . better write and find out; I’m pretty handy around that store and they've \ never paid me what I’m worth! . . . Six weeks ) and I’ve got to come to a decision! . . . That oC cigar girl. ... Lessee, what’s her name?... Gosh! . .. funny ... never heard her name if I could jus’ date her up . practically had her made that night when Smudge Smedley came up an’ asked if I was still scoutin’ and snoopin’ for Ziegfeld she laughed two traveling salesmen buying cigars laughed, too . . . that was three months ago . I'll get that guy Smudge Smedley iffus the las’ thing adoo! ... I wonder who I oughta drag to the prom .. . not that Vas- sar gal I had last year . I had the first dance with her and the next time I saw her she was squeez- in’ a flask in a parked car with Funny Huber after the prom was over . oh, wel-l-l, Funny doesn’t know yet who accidentally dropped that lit cigaret in his coonskin pocket hangin’ in the hall ... I wonder if I’ll make cheer leader nex’ year, I gotta cet a letter somehow ... hate to think I’m gonna be a junior again nex’ (Continued on page 29)

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a If I “faw” down I go boom. E. H. Conroy, Stanford "29 The Wash-woman’s Song ” “A Slip In The Dip”. Tyson ALLEN, Ga. Tech. °31 A new art club has been started by some members of the Fresh man Class. As far as we can make out, their only drawing ma- te rials are a couple ot corksere Ws. } R. Knox WuNncent Harvard °3:2 The Wood-cutter’s Lament Business has certainly gotten punk, it’s nut at all log it used to be. Any sap hew knows anything about thinks it vreat to go into some branch of forestry. I'd like to tw ig the nose . of that fellow who axed me yes- terday if he should leaf his job to em-bark on_ this asked my partner and _ hickories trees wood be career. ] with me that as fir as we're con cerned “two’s company and tree’s a crowd.” Well, my mono-log is take a and I hope I haven’t board you. Dick Hemenway, over, so now I'll bough Amherst °32 JUDGE I’d Rather Shoot a man in Chicago than sell a pint of gin in Michigan. Drive to Yellowstone Park than cross Broadway. Eat baked with Betty Compton than caviar with my b eans room-mate. Have a job than a Marima Cum Laude. Sell bonds than have a job. Hear a talkie than be deaf. Catch cold) than bre la. carry an ul Carry an umbrella than a hod. Write this than read it. Davin S. Leuman, Notre Dame ’29 The song of the frat-house cook ‘Let’s Stew It!” Au Breen, Trinity ’31 PeroruSe APOLCO'ES OW REQUEST “B -COurTHAR Oe "THAT'S A DIRTY LIE’, EJACULATED that crowns these days are those who have had trouble with their teeth. —Tnomas J. Riney, Columbia ’30 The only kings wear Whe n ] was a fresh man I was given up for hopeless Junior by five doctors. What did they give Senior vou up for? Junior For not paying my bills. —Mirton Frenen, Brown ’31 Frosh time I learn something I store it away. Well, I hope you learn how to play your saxo Every Upper Classman ' yhone I James J. JoHNs, State T ac he rs Colle ge "3 3 JOE Belay, me fine fellows, I’ve a yen to pull a gag like the humorous Mister Perelman does in these parts. It seems as how two Lithuanians, Pat and Patrick, met in our lock hush parlor. Burbles the Hon. J. Machamer, “Mrs. Printwitz trumped my ace last night and never batted an eye.” “Poker face?” S. (better known as “Dr. S.’’) the inimitable limner, all a-froth. and you leave the table. Joun Courtuarp, U. of 8S. questions Dr. “No, but I'd like to,” rejoinders Another break like thai, son, California ’30

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HOW GMD \e Ley ld, fourteen times, the National and International Bridae and Whist Cham pionship Those who follow t department of Judge will understand why Wilbur C. White head ha rid Sidney Lens is undoubtedly the most remarkable card player the world has é ky . Mr. Lenz will welcome correspondence from Judge readers and will give advice and answer questions related to Auction and Contract provided correspondents seud stamped addressed —$—$$ LK Explore the Real France ... via Cunard Beyond Paris... the real France, on the white, poplar- bordered roads, that lead, as straight as the Roman legions marched, to chateaux, vine- yards and cathedrals. Go to Kheims, Chartres, Blois, go to Mont St. Michel and Carcassonne! Stop at inns so clean that the copper shines like gold. Lunch in a garden, where a chef will make ome- lettes that angels might envy. Taste champagne that has never been moved two miles from its vineyards. Cross Cunard to Cherbourg: the shortest and quickest way to France. And, if you like, shorten your stay in Paris. For life in the Berengaria or the Mauretania is as ‘cosmopolite’ as life in Paris . . . the food will be like the food at the Ritz or the Crillon, and you'll meet the same people. Cross Cunard . .. have your Paris- and-London in one, on the crossing ... and then seek out the real France, that has not been ‘internationalized’. TO FRANCE AND ENGLAND MAURETANIA April 10-May 1 - May 22 AQUITANIA April 17-May 8° May 29 BERENGARIA April 24° May 15-JuneS CUNARD LINE SS See Your Local Agent THE SHORTEST BRIDCE TO EUROPE envelopes for reply. Believe it or not—to steal Rip- ley’s thunder—but dozens of peo- ple write me to complain that the brilliantly played Bridge hands set forth in my books could be defeated if the adversary had opened some other suit, or had done thus and so instead of so and thus. Well, what of it? Isn’t it fully as meritorious to play a deal skilfully when the enemy errs, as when the defense is perfect?) Numerous hands offer a choice of opening leads that are equally sound, and if the one selected gives the opportunity for clever play, it should be grasped and praise given to Allah! Some readers refuse to believe that all illustrated deals are not double- dummy concoctions, arranged to drive home a point, instead of an actually played hand that simply happened. Indeed, many of the neatest plays, such as the pseudo- squeeze, could never be made against double-dummy defense. Every so often a player steps out with a bold, bad bid that turns out to be a masterpiece, because the adversary is given a chance to go wrong. @82 gy 3 ©AKJ10762 @AQ95 eAKO NORTH T 6 ~ IW E 975 >] E Ajeloo7 6843 S SIVA 107 ayio7 |? Tae nos 4 SOUTH [#* 282 @43 9K QO986542 ©5 463 South dealt and, according to the text-book writers, had a per- 24 fectly good hand to pass. On the second round, he was given per mission to speak up. In this in stance, however, South preempted with a bid of four Hearts and se cured the contract without a bat tle. It need not be pointed out that if West had been permitted to show the Spades, ten tricks would have been a lay-down, together with a big honor score. The open ing lead was the King of Spades, followed by the Queen and then the four of Clubs. Of course, the Ace went up in Dummy and two rounds of Diamonds disposed of the losing Club. On the second Diamond trick the Queen was played by East, so the missing Diamond was known to be in West’s hand. Apparently all this meant noth ing, because the Declarant was now down to his eight trumps. The trump lead through would have set the bid one trick, not at all bad in the way of a sacrifice. East, however, could not be aware that South had thrown away all his losing cards and the lead of the Jack of Diamonds tended to show that Declarant was anxious to shake another loser. The trump and overtrump enabled South to gather in ten tricks and fulfill the contract. It must be admitted that close count ing by East should have figured out this bluff play. If South really had another losing card to get rid of, then his bid of four Hearts was made on a seven-card suit, headed by the King, Queen, Jack, at best, and not another card above the Jack. Possible, but not probable.

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Rare Prints Married life in Ohio, as ob- | served by the Cleveland Plain Dealer. Miss Helen Sudolsky and Carl | Hunes were m ried Friday at Park Villa The deception fol- owed at the home of Rev. K. F. Mille Preparedness note in the same State, as reported by the Sydney Daily News. Miss Margaret Taylor went to | Piqua Thursday to be the guest for the day of Miss Vesta Schultz, who is visiting with her pants in that city The far-reaching effect of the radio, revealed by the Madison Press. One of Jac Harkin’s horses died last week from a strange melody season in from the Renton News of the open Washington, Gazette. The Renton Gun Club will hold | another shoot this Sunday at | their traps on Smithers Field The shooting will start about 9 o'clock and will continue as long as anvone is left to shoot Comment in the Parkersburg News, on the sartorial customs of West Virginia mountaineers. The bride entered the drawing room on the arm of her father | | who wore a gown of white charmeuse satin trimmed with Venetian point lace and with a veil of the same | Current events in the Buckeve | State, as revealed by the Cadiz | Democrat-Sentinel. Jim Banks, of Hazelton, picked up a live wife at the corner of Main and McDougal street, and was instantly shocked His con- | dition is much improved, but his wedding has be postponed. Doings of the vounger genera- tion gleaned from the Sidney | Daily News. Miss Mabel Moon returned home Friday morning from a pleasure rip through the east Connubial comment in the Cadiz Sentinel. She was married in Evansville, Ind., to Walter John Jarrett, and to this onion was born three children The course of social events in Texas, as noted by the Annona News. | If it rains this evening the social will be hell tomorrow evening a Suddenly, out of a spring sky... An Advertisement of the American Telephone and Telegraph Company es se KN 5 \s Att was wellonthetelephone x | exchanges were connected and - ° a i . XQ f = Lt: front on April 27, 1928. Sud- SO the 11,000 telephones back in denly,out of a spring sky, rain began to fall over central Pennsy]- vania. As night came on this turned into a furious storm of sleet, snow and wind. Inside of 48 hours, 3700 telephone poles were down. Seven thousand miles of wire tangled wreck- age. Thirty-nine exchanges isolated. Eleven thousand telephones silent. Repair crews were instantly mo- bilized and sent to the scene. From Philadelphia 47 crews came. Other parts of Pennsylvania sent 13. New Jersey, 6. New York, 4. Ohio, 6. Maryland and West Virginia, 12. In record time, 1000 men were string ing insulated wire and temporary cables along the highways, on fences and on the ground. Within 72 hours the isolated “THe TELEPHONE BooKS ARE TH service. Then, while the tem- porary construction carried on, neighboring Bell System warehouses poured out all needed equipment, new poles were set, new crossarms placed and new wire and cable run. In any crisis there are no state lines in the Bell System. In all emer gencies of flood or storm as well as in the daily tasks of extending and maintaining the nation-wide net- work, is seen the wisdom of One Policy, One System, Universal Service. Better and better telephone ser- vice at the lowest cost is the goal of the Bell System. Present improve ments constantly going into effect are but the foundation for the greater service of the future. E Directory OF THE NATION” BITTERS Tones the Stomach Improves the Appetite Aids Digestion Sample of Bitters by mail 25 cts. Cc. W. ABBOTT & CO. Baltimore, Md. to i) Rufeul YAITERON Now you can enjoy a really up-to-date training in this attractive field, full of sparkle and dash—a radical departure and pleasant relief from old fashioned courses and antiquated methods Pre- pare for a career in this delightful, well-paid profession. Write for free illustrated book, ““The Last Word in Humorous Illustration.” The Russell PattersonSchool Michigan Ave. at 20th St., Dept. 3 CHICAGO, ILL.

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Inventions of the Month From the Patent Office at Yonkers, Saskatchewan 2 [é 1 THE MARCONI WIRELESS ELBOW-MACARONI BENDER The tender macaroni vines are given a test as to heredity, environment and moral laxity, then placed in the receptacle labeled Oomf. After that nothing mutters, SCORE KEEPER t Foor 1iINGH DEVICE FOR TESTING ELASTICITY OF SLEEVE-GARTERS Engine proceeds in ; southwesterly direction until sleeve-garter breaks, e-garter is then thrown awnv. T WAS a simple enough hunch- that a lot of pipe lovers secretly craved a milder mixture than they'd been smoking. We gave it to them— literally —a free tin to every man who asked for it. And now so many to- bacco connoisseurs are cheering for Sir Walter that we can scarcely make enough of it. Isn't it time you too discovered how good a pipe can be ? THE LITTLE DANDY SPONGE-WHEEL FOR FLOOD RELIEF ~~ ‘Y LIMITED OFFER Device is placed on bank of flooded area. Sponges a-b-e-d-e-f-g-h and i | (for the United States only ) bsorb water The wheel propelled by foot power carries sponges to official on * If your favorite tobacconist does not carry ring seat, who squeezes water into cans. When eans are full, they are hauled Sir Walter Raleigh, send us his name and two miles up the river and emptied. The two straws hanging from the light address. In return for this courtesy, we'll ng rod in the northwest corner of the picture show whieh way the wind blows. be delighted to send you without charge Y a full-size tin of this milder pipe mixture. Dept. 115, Brown and Williamson Tobacco Corporation aS Louisville, Kentucky —— ——_ _--— SIR WALTER RALEIGH mm, quills INVENTIST. Who discovered how good a pi n be d § Pps ce THE PERFECTION OMELETTE MACHINE From the producer direet to the consumer. A—Cam Shaft. B—Button It’s hole Maker. C—Oil Rectifier. D Feather Duster. E—East Side, West Side. LG Gadget. H Carbon Remover. J What of it?

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His Fortune “Let me tell your fortune, mister.” “How much?” “Half a dollar.” “Correct, to a cent.” —Boston TrRANscRIPT Wrong Medicine “T hear Jones fell down on his pharmacy examination.” *Yes—he got mixed on the dif ference between a club and a Western sandwich.” AMERICAN LeGion Montuty Artist—How do you like this picture ? Visitor—H'm— it might be worse. “Sir, I hope you will withdraw that statement.” “Very well; it couldn't be worse.” ANSWERS The Sincerest Form Welfare Worker And what are you in here for, my man? Prisoner—F latte ry, ma’am. Caught imitating another man’s signature on a cheque. —Maciean’s MaGAziIne “Do you think the candidate put enough fire into his speech ?”’ “Oh, yes. The trouble was, he didn’t put enough of his speech in the fire.” —Tir-Birs Rereree’s Wire happened? Has there been an What has accident? Have you any news of my husband? Tue Man—TI am your hus band. Passinc Suow ee Pisesec pardon my frown... but some one in the studio just coughed - « - and spoiled our love scene” **They’ve often called the movies ‘the silent drama.’ But there isn’t much silence during the making of a movie. “It’s in the making of a ‘talkie’ that studio silence is required. No one is al- lowed to make any noise, but the play- ers. For the slightest sound registers on the sensitive recording mechanism. And an uninvited cough is a calamity. “The other day someone coughed dur- ing the recording of a love scene. Since then OLD GOLDs are the order of the day. For as all Hollywood knows, there’s not a cough in a film-ful.” (SIGNED Why not a cough in a carload? OLD GOLD cigarettes are blended from HEART-LEAF tobacco, the finest Nature grows..: Selected for silkiness and ripe- ness from the heart of the tobacco plant ... Aged and mellowed extra long in a temperature of mid-July sunshine to in- sure that honey-like smoothness. RICHARD BARTHELMESS now appearing in the First National- Vitaphone masterpiece “Weary River” in which Mr. Barthelmess adds to his laurels with a voice of rare dramatic quality. ON YOUR RADIO... OLD GOLD PAUL WHITEMAN HOUR Paul Whiteman ... King of Jazz, with his complete orchestra . . . broadcasts the OLD GOLD hour every Tuesday, from 9 to 10 P. M., Eastern Standard Time, over entire network of Columbia Broadcasting System. © P. Lorillard Co., Eat. 1760 ‘at a chocolate, light an Old Gold, and enjoy both! a Are you a HARVARD | MAN? | If you are, or were, or will be, or know one, you will be especially interested in a feature in next week’s issue of JUDGE rom his Eyes DOWN a man is worth $2 a but from his Eyes UP there limit and it is in that space that Ile ri hen ther S¢ ething t timulate ’ ‘ them like fresh air, sunshine and rel ATLANTIC “CITY THE CHELSEA An Acidosis Condition Is Always Serious vet VITTEL WATER “= GRANDE SOURCE Write for Descriptive Foider MORRIS & SCHRADER, * ‘New vorx SONGWRITERS! SUBSTANTIAL ADVANCE ROYALTIES ARE PAID on publisher's acceptance Write for Free Booklet on developing ideas for song words or music required by ralking Pictures. Newcomer Associates, 1674 Broad- \' way, New York.

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You need more than a toothpaste America lives too well. Soft foods richly seasoned, easy to digest. And asa result a sensible way to help protect precious health from the attack of dread Pyorrhea is to brush gums vigorously whenever you brush the teeth. But for this purpose use the dentifrice designed to aid in keeping gums firm and sound. Use Forhan’s for the Gums and visit your dentist at least twice a year. This dentifrice is more than an ordi- nary toothpaste. Start now, brushing teeth and gums vigorously with Forhan’s for the Gums. You'll soon notice a distinct improvement in the appearance of your gums. Forhan’s helps to firm them. In addition, the way this dentifrice cleans teeth and protects them from acids which cause decay — will delight you. Get a tube from your druggist, today, 35c and 60c. Formula of R. J. Forhan, D. D. S. Forhan Company, New York Forhanrs 7." Nary a traffic cop! You've watched soft fleecy clouds in a blue sky, and wished you could drift upon mud bank oating over cool quiet waters in an Old Town anoe is about as near as you can come to realiz g that delightful day-dream. No bit of errant histledown could rest more lightly on the stream I C ing t Get away from the dusty road Enjoy the relaxation of canoeing in an Old Town. Old Town Canoes have the grace and beauty of real Indian lineage Easy to handle, and perfectly balanced. Priced as low as $67. From dealer or factory Write today for free catalog. It shows and prices many light, water-tight models. Paddling, sailing and square-stern canoes, extra-safe Sponson models, dinghies and sturdy family bvats. Also speedy craft for outboard motors—racing step planes and hydroplanes. Old Town Canoe Co., 1914 Fourth Street, Old Town, Maine. ‘Old Town:Canoes ere eee Wire (to husband in yachting cap Ted with that cap on, too! Judging the Shows Continued from page 18) and have commissioned Dr. Owen Davis to confect a book that is assiduously kittenish, they man- age the Schwab-Mandel kind of thing only fairly well. Just where the difference lies, I can't get my fingers on, but it is evi- dent none the less. The speed is there and so is the external look, but something is missing. Yet, as I’ve said—for the fourth time now, I think—the show is divert- ing. It gets under way slowly, but after it hits its pace—along toward half past nine—it man ages to provide a pleasant eve- ning. As for the other affairs recently 4 Adisclosed in the show-shops, little need be said. ““Young Alex- ander’, by Hardwick Nevin, is a dismal bore. It tries to do some- thing about the illustrious Greek as a young man and doesn’t come within a hundred miles of its in- tention. It is very sorry stuff. “Solitaire” might conceivably have been developed into some- thing interesting by an interest- ing playwright, but as it stands it is less than zero. There are pos- sibilities in the tale of a Coney Island midget’s amorous diffi- culties, but the present authors have done utterly nothing with them. “The Octoroon” is a re- vival of the famous Boucicault melodrama. It is a well-handled revival but the boozy spirit that prevails at the revival of Bou- cicault’s “After Dark” over in Hoboken is missing at the formal Maxine Elliott Theatre. As for “The Town’s Woman”, only “In- I’m surprised at you, L.veryRopy’s WEEKLY discretion” is sourer. The authors of the dish are the MM. Martin Mooney and Thomson Burtis. A press-agent folder describes the former thus: “While still one of the youngest play analysts in his craft, he has demonstrated un canny ability in singling out plays destined for success; he is re garded as an authority on prac tical playwriting technique and has received liberal acclaim for his lectures ‘The Theatre From Within’, as well as for his inti mate radio talks— Show Slants’.”’ Of the latter gentleman. the fold er has this to say: “He is on of America’s most popular writers of fiction. He has outstanding dramatic qualifications.” After seeing ““The Town’s Wo man’, one concludes that its authors must have been two other fellows. ~~ BiasE Cockney—Tails! —Passinc Snow 28

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High Hat (Continued from page 22) I wonder if I let that cigar girl think I intended takin’ her to the prom would she thaw out... 1 wish I were like Joe Dougherty ... vear! “ee clutter aroun’! What’s that I good at tennis as he is at football, baseball, baske tball, and track 2 « mes letter in school and he’s always wearin’ a wimmen he got haven't? won every sweater with a letter on it... I’m hot stuff on a dance floor ... probally the bes’ stepper in school . why couldn’ | win a letter a big red N wouldn’t look bad on a stiff shirt- I'll go to the hotel cigar stand and get a for dancing front! . . . Guess down can of the old alfalfa... it'll 7 make sixteen cans I’ve bought offa that girl this week ... I’m not gonna take the coupons any . she probally thinks I ‘em! ... I think I'll wear a derby nex’ year if I room alone . wonder who th’ell snitched my derby first year... Smedley, probally ...- hard to more save Smudge tell, though, whether a derby looks familiar! . . . Never forget the night I sat on Smudge’s derby , ... he didn’t laughed . . . so I guess it prob ally was my derby ... I'll get that guy Smudge Smedley iffus the las’ thing adoo!!... 2 get sore, he There are tears in these remi Not proms since I sat on a dormitory and looked at rade of thought. By the way, that girl who was niscent eyes. ... so many window-:sill a pa fella who She has a son, five, Inn is married to the owns the Inn. who hangs around the old cigar counter asking customers for their coupons, It’s a small world when look at it with a cocked eye. \ rt yH The Gourmet you A deaf man went to a restau- rant with a friend. Waiter—What will you have to eat, sir? ; Friend—Nothing. Waiter—And you, sir? 7 Deaf Man—The same as my friend, but with potatoes. : Faun, Vienna I’m as | “ac sure rs WRIGLEY’S there’s a guy that | at the cigar counter in the College ‘ Rain or Shine. . . WRIGLEY’S has become a big factor in human happiness. Nerves, teeth, mouth, 4; throat and stomach smile when you get a package of WRIGLEY’S. O._p Scuoot Frienp—What do you miss most now you are married and settled down? Wire—My husband. Passing Suow 9 29

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“Look here, Mrs. Merrydew, il bet you've been at my whisky again!” “Pardon me, sir, but I never het.” Passinc Snow Judging the Movies (Continued from page 21) ° — “The Cameraman”. If Keaton borrowed it, I didn’t see the There is a fight and a hooded Letter” which is called “The a short German picture original version. between a mongoose in “The cut out of Killer’, which I recommended some If I can get she ep, I hope to send those photo to cobra a picture time igo. a good night's graphs soon, and a biography, that able journalist on the Chi cago Post. And, as for the gen tleman who wrote from Okla- homa—I hope you have to stay in Oklahoma. A GF Geer Gi Wi , La as wm an (| WZ ACh Lon MP th, a Orxcuestra Leaper—Was it you who played that sour note during the overture? “No, sir it must have been a couple of other ’cellos.” ODER These hotels have always been modern, ahead of the times. - » « They’re that today, with radio in every room; and_ they were first, too, in providing every room with private bath, circu- lating ice-water, morning paper, pin-cushion with threaded needles, and many another Statler comfort. They organization of Or Lather There are Statlers in BOSTON — BUFFALO — CLEVELAND — DETROIT ST. LOUIS—NEW YORK (Hotel Pennsylvania) Disses eseeetmnee reac aie Phe Girl—I found that book This adv. suggested by Chick Zachiegner, Alfred, N. Y. you lent me frightfully dull, Pro \ ifyouheveancwana /f original idea, send it to us anc d if acceptable we will pay $100 I thought you said there was a naughty problem in it? The Professor lady! I lem.” fessor. My dear young knotty —Lonvon OPINIon said ‘‘a prob- “Doggone, I didn’t read the Label! That Cleaning Fluid was Inflammable! Next time I'll demand- -CARBONA Cleaning Fluid CANNOT BURN CANNOT EXPLODE absolutely safe!- Removes Grease Spots Without Injury to Fabric or Color Does it Quickly and Easily 20+ BOTTLES atau vRuG STORES Carbona Products Co., 302-304 W. 26th St., N. ¥. 31

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JUDGE’S MYSTERY CONTEST No. 1 WHO | Murdered Emma? And How! Judge Will Pay $25.00 for the Funniest Solution of the Following Mystery: ™ nd an innovation trunk full of naughty post-cards. \ slight misfortune happened on the pier after the steamer docked. On examining the Meserole bag gage, the customs inspector found a Sunday-school tea he r named Emma W orde n care fully WwW rappe d up in an old French tapestry. She said that the last thing she remembers was eating des amonds verts in the Bois on the outskirts of Paris. No matter. The Meseroles made a clean breast of the whole affair, paid their fine for not declaring Miss Worden, and moved to modest quarters in Hingham, Mass. When Mrs. Meserolk open d her innovation trunk, preparatory to putting away her wardrobe, she found that Emma Worden had mysteriously dis ppeared, leaving no trace whatsoever, unless you wish to count the imprint of the thumb of her right hand, to which the authorities, themselves . give no crede nce, But what is of far greater import is the fact than on Sunday, April 10th, her entire Sunday school class also disappeared; and it was then that the law pointed a searching finger at Harvey L. Me serole. Four days after this unfortunate occurrence the driver of a wagon told of having taken a box from the Meserole house to the railroad station. It addressed to G. C. Lea of Sandusky, in the care of Mr. Philip Fute, of New Orleans. At any rate, the police traced the box, broke it open and found Emma Worden’s Sunday school class looking at the post ecards. The next day, to add to the mvstery, detectives found a blow torch and an empty potato sack in a neighboring yard adjoining the Mes- eroles’; and, on the evidence of these, they arrested Mrs. Meserole and charged her with using the potato sack to hide her crime. The police of Hingham did not so easily solve the murder, however; for on the morning of the 14th the blow torch disappeared from the station house and Emma Worden’s body was found stuffed into an old drain pipe in Fort Wayne. Indiana. She refused to come out, however, even though the chief of police sprinkled cracked corn around the outlet and made a clicking noise with his teeth. After several days the police began to fear foul play, and as a last resort, Miss Worden’s Sunday- school children were sent to Fort Way ne to sing Christmas carols into the alleged drain pipe, in the hope that “‘teacher’’ would join in the chorus. One was Meserole family came to New York in 1847. hey were three in all; Mr. and Mrs. Meserole i This photograph shows (Left the which the Worden murder was supposed to have been committed, and (Right) The manner in which the Worden murder actually was committed. the Jack Cluett collection of “JIousehold manner in rom Crimes” ) by one the little tots crawled into the drain, singing: “God bless ve merry gentlemen, let never seen alive again. The State built up a series of The \ were incriminating cir cumstances against a man named Pratt, or Pruitt, or Gillespie, who said he lived in Paterson, New Jersey, and had never met Worden and never wanted to. On the other hand, Detective Brophy, from headquarters, claimed that on the night of the murder he looked through the transom of the Meserole home and saw Harvey L. Meserole holding a flue, while his wife, Doris, made suspicious signs with her fingers into the open end. Mrs. Meserole later claimed that she was mere ly “mailing a letter to friends.” and asked the Com monwealth to prove beyond a reasonable doubt. if they could, the clogged up flue in Hingham and a drain pipe in Fort Wayne, full of Sunday-school children. Emma connection between RULES OF CONTEST Jupce will award a prize of $25 for the niest solution of the above mystery eader of JUDGE may compete, and any unber of solutions may be submitted, but none will be returned. Solutions should not be longer than 200 words, and each solution should be written on a separate sheet of paper In case two or more contestants submit the same winning to cat h. solution, $25 will be awarded Contest No. 1 closes MIDNIGHT, April the 16th. and the winning solution will appear in he May 11th issue of Junce. Contest No. 2 will appear next week, and Con- test Ne 3 the week after. The editors of Junce will be the final judges. \ddress all solutions to The Murderous Editor of Juncr, 18 East 48th Street, New York, N. Y., and don't forget your name and address. | EDWARD LANGER PRINTING CO., ING JAMAICA, N.Y

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There’s never been a newspaper novel like this. EPORTER MEYER LEVIN Levin is a newspaper man, “Meyer Levin has He's on the city statf of the Chicago New written ai fic, Uf In this book he records faithfully the daily life of a big roarious, swaggering citv reporter sket fle Has Ca) d ar ‘ Will oO} 1s ()n the scent ot cops 4 ¢ : a ee ee vat ping p of \ romantic in a hardboiled job. WO P q 7 m / .) Ved a ¢« life and death, lust and love. comedy. tragedy. all stumbl . | 5 / ; ; ; over each other in furnishing copy City ti rey It's humorous—it’s tragic—it’s a kaleidoscope of this curiou s with | existence Charles Mulligan, in It's the “Front Page” of newspaper novels. Brooklyn Stand- We cannot describe it. Read it. $2.50. Postpaid $2.60. ard Union.” | MEANING NO OFFENSE By JOHN RIDDELL, the old Book Reviewer of Vanity Fair Prade { Riddell, the old “The be st parodies we Book Reviewer of l anity The year’s most impudent have had since the hevday Fair, has at last told the of Christopher Ward. Im storv of his adventures in pudent as the proverbial , the dark continent of con- as seen by the creator of SKIPPY hog on 99 Th ~ovar- temporary literature. Here : rubias illustrations are is the truth about 7/ Bridge of San Thornton Wilder, the low-down on The Man Who Knew Lewis, and even some Poems Appraised at Prac- tically Nothing. In a word, the best of those sprightly book of parodies prime.” William Rose Benet, in The Saturday Review of Literature. “Tf you are a fairly con- sistent reader you have a great moment ahead of vou in the pages of Meaning ' rie . é Vo Offense. As a matter an surely t malicious mye ay ¢ 6¢ , . : a = CRE kg OFF aE FP PEE ~ ot fact vou have many pieces which have delighted a : nn | eam: ae Tw he a_i Qh dy great moments. went) ie Seiiiantl : ~Ai- FS i-k\Iy the irreverent who met A 2 py to be exact-one for each them in l’anity Fair. With : item in the table of con- eight amiable illustrations tents. . . . Particularly by Covarrubias. $2.00. juicv burlesque.’’ — Percy Postpaid $2.10. Githens, in Life. These books may be purchased from your bookseller. If a bookstore is not convenient, mail your 7 order to the publisher, adding postage. Address THE JOHN DAY COMPANY, Dept. J. 386 Fourth Ave., New York City 2UADRI-COLOR CO., JAMAI( A, N Ye

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LETTE I] h. WT Ht WA — aah py will) | athe - , ee il wa | 7 | | | Bs, 4 ge | 7 Z | y a ao ie) y y . - righ. > wy 4 ’ MF thes , di oy “A Z g No Cou cigarettes carried e ‘Friendship’ when she crossed ©1929, The American Tobacco Co., Manufacturers No Throat Irritation the Atlantic.” Amelia M. Earhart, first woman to fly the Atlantic by aeroplane 99 For a slender figure— Reach for a Lucky instead of a sweet on the ae) he 2 g W ~¢ wu noe WT ie lj “Tt