Judge 1927-04-09: Vol 92

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RIL 9. 1927 PRICE 15 CENTS a IMGIW IAT EDD BY BODGE J cers Ber agi 1 eae . a — ~ * = > Ta ot Ce 4) . NTLEMAN/ 3

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They Jeered at Me— When I Mixed Them a Cocktail! HAD never been called on to make a cocktail before and I thought, of course, I could do it as well as the rest of the bunch. When they asked me to mix up some cocktails | told them I wasn’t no bar- tender, but they laughed and said, “oh, it’s easy!” They kept after me until finally I tried it and I'll never forget that terrible moment after I passed around the cocktails! I could see them whispering among themselves and making terrible faces. Then I heard one of them say, “My Gawd! What a drink!” and my _ embar- rassment was something terrible. I mixed some more and drank with them, pretend- ing I thought they were great, but everyone laughed. I stammered and sat down! And that was the way it always was—I was always trying to im- press others with my abil- ity-—-and always failing miserably. Why couldn't [ mix good cocktails like other men and win ap- proval and applause? Often I saw men not half as hard working as I was, make a brilliant perform- ance with a shaker. In 15 Minutes a Day And then, suddenly, I dis- covered a new easy method which made me popular and in demand overnight. I learned how to mix drinks that were so smooth they would slip out of the glasses. When I passed them around, the crowd that formerly jeered at me actually applauded me! Soon I had won salary increases, promotion, popularity and power! Today I am able to rise to any occasion (that is, up to the 10th round) and I am always ready to meet any emergency, such as the people downstairs, or cops. Send For This Amazing Book I accomplished all this by spending just a few minutes a day with a little book called “Here’s How!” by Judge, Jr. It contains $5 brand-new drink mix- tures, and your friends will be amazed when they try them! JUDGE, JR. 627 W. 43rd St. New York City. Please send me a copy of | your famous book, “Here’s | How!” Am enclosing a dollar. I don’t want to be : jeered at!

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APK=6'2/ ©cis 738508 ~ LIFE, LIBERTY AND | THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS JUDGE WEATHER FORECAST (For the High Hat Number) EXTRA DRY THE WORLD’S WITTIEST WEEKLY SATURDAY, APRIL 9, 1927 DEBUTANTE ARRESTED A Husband’s Defense League has been organized in Chicago, the members of which intend to have a dollar-a-day allowance and one evening a week out, or know the reason why. They will soon know the reason why. JUDGE JR. ON WAGON President Coolidge has _pro- claimed the week of April 24th to April 30th as National Forest Week. On the National issues, however, he leaves us as much in the woods as ever. to confine it to my home! PRINCE of WALES ELOPES A French architect has de- signed a house on a turn-table, which revolves in such a way the occupants can have — sunshine wherever they desire it. If they had some of our moonshine they wouldn’t need any turn-table. Lypia—Father objects to my drinking or smoking in public, so I’m careful | | | a For advertising rates address E. R. Crowe & Company, Inc., New York: 2 1 Chicago: 225 North Michigan Avenue. * — - é JUDGE, Volume 92 No. 2371, aon 9, 1927 7 Entered as Second-Class Matter, October 21, 1881, at the Post-Office at New York City, N. VY. under Act of March 3, z| 1927 pAdditional entry at Jamaica, L.I. N.Y. $5.00 a year. 15c acopy. Published Weekly by Leslie Judge Co., 627 West 43rd Street, New York, N. Y., and copyrighted 7 Mo » by them in the U. S. and Great Britain; Fred L. Rogan, President; Norman Anthony, Vice-President; Joseph T. Cooney, Ass't Treasurer and Ass't Secretary; William is orrie Houghton, Secretary, 627 West 43rd St., New York,)N. Y. Particular attention is called to the fact that eve . ry article and picture appearing in JUDGE ie protected under the provisions of Section 3 of the art ht Law of the U. S. - ‘ ” anderbilt Avenue

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JUDGE “For I’m in love with girl loves me, 4 High Spots o, the merrio hat say! brow diddle diddle jackers love you! cockolorum mucky muck ,---- up in the hills king - po -le, ----lo Ileaven the F ere coat-room girl and the coat-room The “March” of Progress Bootleg whiskey makes the most casual user come in like a lion and go out like a lamp! even J Here’s to the flapper, good and kind; Let’s drink her health in toddy. She’s nothing mind And less upon her body. much upon her Ft Whiz—What is a play? Bang—A play where it’s a question whether you can get a seat or not. problem J father who knows as much as his own child. Today, it’s a wise Se “T have such a dreadful time with my children every night.” “What's the matter with them at night?” “T can’t get them to undress for bed. They just won't.” “Mine used to be the same way, but that’s a thing of the past now. “Why, what in the world did you do?” “T taught them to play poker.” strip “Ts he intelligent?” bo ~ -@ rt © “Well, he has one of the best collections of suppressed hooks that I know of.”

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JUDGE How I Out-Smarted a Supper Club I realized a lifelong ambition the other evening. I went to the most exclusive supper club in our city, and ordered a ham sandwich. I sat throughout the entire perform- ance, bought no cigarettes, threw no money to the singers, and paid my check without tipping the waiter. In fact, the cost of the entire evening was the price of that one ham sandwich. Quite an evening for twenty- five dollars, if I do say it myself. oe About all that is necessary for a divorce nowadays is a wedding. 7 Gertrude—Did it require much effort for you to get a fur coat out of your hubby? Ernestine—Oh, no—I got it without half crying. 22s Some people marry for love, some for money, but most of them for only a short time. | Deb—Have you heard about Virginia? Subdeb—No; do tell me. Deb—She’s just had her en- gagement annulled. The perfect hostess makes the a glass of water feel at ease. “Our new waitress is very high-hat. She insists on dressing for dinner and must have a cocktail, too.’ man who has just tipped over The Christening The mother assisted at the baby’s christening by breaking a bottle of scotch over its father’s head. Powerful Evidence “TI understand Jenkins has a stock of very smooth whiskey.” “TI guess so—he spends a lot of time polishing it off.” I al The National Bird is now the swallow. (as)

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JUDGE JUDGE JUNIOR’S OUTLINE OF HISTORY

Just humped mio a new ne lad /i eems a couple of the —/ / "ip \W Prehistorics got a bit ginny and stood up on their hind legs No ca Nd end interestina try if on vour sittina up exercises some morning = i , after. Shouldn't be surprise f at all if it became quite th dernier ere > —, ‘ \ | | } = ‘ ‘ \d ~\ { AV} ~ » » } j y | a ae i 7 | By ) >——F. > . —_ e- -—— ‘ | f 3 = ; \ } | } = —— a .. | \ - Nt | a = Y ay = Gol up a gang and dropped into Herod's the | \ —» a i, ; \) other night. Can't hand the music much, but . = \\ there's a mamma there, Salome, that’s got an \ | | : v- 2 i) act that is an act! Oh. bous how that airl can 2 : ; Black Bottom! The bhoy-friend, John, quite — F \ , 7 lost his head over her. No End. _—— \ } ; " } } —— y ~ } — * y } . y 7 i | / = 4 \ — —_—_ ——_ -- - j / j | | \ ( leopati ’ drop a tane lo let the

| HHere's Howers in on a new one | /~. = y Equal parts Nile and Gordon Wate: | Ny y J a dash of pre-war vinegar. and. in 47; ® Sf -, jf place of the trite cherry. a simple ae a, . A - A pearl. Sounds good and at the } es price the Night Clubs are gouging | - | vou, no end economical! er as } — 7 Ww | v / be i | ‘ i Allan G.. one of the Princeton lads Harvard re “a ™ ce ntly sent to Coventry slips us the low-down on q : _ girl-friend Godiva's latest. Seems the mamma in ‘i ; A 7 question bit off the what-have-uou end of a strip J - poker seance the other night, and had to come p - ail home in the dark. Only there wasn't any dark. \ ae =— j and the chances are, confides Al, that she’s } ' } slarted a new one in Wome Weer, Cf i7 the \ little gil a hand! ? ; = | --5 ed . 4 } 1 new outdoor port, lad No end ath q letic and trick! Invention of one Bill = a_i | (Tyrol Tell. AU you need, according to

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JUDGE To a Poor Correspondent And you say you couldn't write me Until now? That is a mighty Weak and common explanation And a bald prevarication. Other matters kept you busy? Charming maid, you are a dizzy Little liar. Your excuse is Hardly worthy of a goose’s. Yes, indeed, you have selected Hoary bromides and neglected Me in more than shameful fashion. But I'll try to curb my passion If you'll promise not to quibble At this over-tardy scribble. Lovely miss, I promise meekly That I’ve meant to write you weekly. Be a dear and don’t berate me. —I’ve been working so hard lately —Parke Cum™iNnas Mepvora—What is this “Broiled Chicken Sauté Chasseur’? / wt Pi Dupitev—A dollar seventy-five! { | ii ii } fb . me ih . ‘ ~ aah The Subtle Difference For a woman driver, one bad (a “Yel “Know that third hole? Well, turn deserves another. , auf sir, I landed dead to the pin bod F WV an’ ” . . “finally picked out ‘ that ole spoon and smacked her right on the nose.” ... “I was five up on Joe Alger when he says, ‘Boy, you’ve got me licked! You ain't human!’” . . . “Two hun- nerd and sixty-two yards that pill rolled, before she died.” “Yes, sir, swelp me, God, if I didn’t carry the green on my second an’ ”’ ; (This is locker room talk.) “Know that third hole? Well, sir, I landed dead to the pin an’ ”’ . . “finally picked out that ole spoon and smacked her right on the nose.” ... “I was five up on Joe Alger when he says, ‘Boy, you've got me licked! You ain’t human!” . . . “Two hun- nerd and sixty-two yards that pill rolled, before she died.” al “Yes, sir, swelp me, God, if I la ) “oor Vdler S04 = , Ags didn’t carry the green on my ? second an’ ” “How do you like your maid, Mrs. Newwed?” (This is a conference.) “She is simply marvelous! She has broken nearly all of our —STANLEY JoNES wedding presents.” ou

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SSS SS Ss ae ee Conservative Caveman—Let’s get out of here before the party gets too rough! Grapys (sotto voce)—Since we are not going to buy anything, anyway, let’s look at something more expensive! My Most Embarrassing Moment The other evening I went to an exclusive night club for dinner. It had been an especially try- ing day at the office and [I sat throughout my meal deeply en- grossed in thought. I scarcely noticed the performance and for- got to tip the waiter. I also neglected to tip the hat girl and the doorman. But you can imagine my ez- treme mortification when, after arriving home, I recalled that I had also forgotten to pay my check! Fe SR Doctor—Madame, your hus band is smoking himself to death. Wife—How long will it take, Doctor?

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| JUDGE HERE’S HOW! 7

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JUDGE Tue Picnic Nicgur Crivs—d/l country, without leaving the city. A Preventive I have the most annoying little cough. It is nothing serious, just a slight hangover from a cold, but it has me bothered. There is a sensation of ticklishness in my throat which, often, causes me to break loose with an every so explosively raucous bark, that no amount trol. It pected; its persistence is nery wracking. I feel perfectly fit, but I simply can’t work as long as it of will-power can con comes when least ex- remains. I am a burglar. Marion E. Burns the inconveniences ] The Custom of the Country [Hose radio bridge experts will have reason to regret their negligence. Their instructions have ruined me, who never played cards before I bought a radio. They made me a master of the game after only four half-hour les sons. Now I am unbeatable. I belong to seven bridge clubs, and would hold membership in others if there were more than seven evenings in a week. At fifty-nine clubs in the past two months I fifty-nine first sessions of m\ have captured prizes. The experts who gave me in struction by radio told a lot, but they didn’t tell all. One problem must be solved and I intend to shift the burden to them. Perhaps they will know how to dispose of the contents of a pack age which they will receive about the day after to-morrow. In it they will find fifty-nine jars of bath salts. —GERALD Coscrovi i A ped strian is a person who has bought a second-hand car. that’s tabloids get such an angle on their subjects a.

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The Aloofness of Ruggles They hired Butler Ruggles at the Red Gap Country Club To train some English beagles to chase foxes through the serub; A Ruggles never haggles; he’s a proper serving man; Obedient Mr. Rugele *s took the a beagles and began. When the Hunters blew their bugles, Ruggles’ beagles did not fail; Ruggles led that pack of beagles Swift as eagles down the dale; Woe to any fox that straggles, With those Suddenly the wary quarry beagles on his trail. Is discovered on the hill. To the kill! What a thrill! nonaive Honest Ruggles wearing Goes it, racing with a will. But the Huntsmen stop stock still Hello, Bill! Those Big Moguls sound their bugles In a warning shrill. "Tis a pole cat that inveigles Ruggles’ beagles to the kill.” Why describe the ensuing strug- gles? Or tell the beagles’ woes? Though each beagle nostril wig- gles, Those Big Moguls choke their giggles Keep their equipose ; While Ruggles juggles with the fog gle Ss On his English Enterprising private ambulance service finds a new field of nose. es. usefulness in connection with parties of the younger set. eo After Curfew “What's the matter with your” asked the cop at three thirty in” } \.M if “T'm lost,” explained the wan \ derer. ao Don't you know your wat home?’ ; “Sure I do, but that ain’t where I want to go.” Fairy Story Once upon a time a speak Wh 4 . ‘6 , . My, I said: “I can’t find words to ex “Poor Archie has a chill.” press my Te lings tonight ind , ; , e coul t! “Well, stick this in his back. pock t. he couldn —=——.._. . ———— — 4

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= re _ ‘an = en — ar) MAGIC “BLACK & WHITE”

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JUDGE “Listen, girls, she’s looking for the Mothers’ Meeting, and I can’t convince her that this is it!” Reassurance My thing, is good. assurance, “as a oer ral Only on the rarest occasion does it wilt. But this dinner party was such a one. The Til- linghasts were so rich, so over- poweringly rich, and so haughtily aloof. “Golly,” I muttered, slinking up the padded velvet of the stairs, why on earth did I shan’t have a comfortable minute. come ? I I be g your pardon —" The flunkey slightly. Even he was a superior Tillinghast with embarrassment, I floundered blindly through the first open door. The bathroom. I gazed into the mirror. merely inclined sort of creature. Crimson That moist, red, coarse face— could it be my own? [ blinked. It was. I could see Mrs. Tilling- hast’s expression as she gazed down upon me, tall, acidulous, tight-lipped. But they simply had to be cultivated by young men with bonds to sell, the Tilling- hasts. Angrily, I dashed cold water on my face. Wondered, in the next breath, if I dared despoil one of those magnificent filet guest towels. . “The re lornly, “be derneath.”’ I felt, and might,” I said for- an old soiled one un- hauled forth the hottom one. One that felt soft. A bath towel. Somehow, they make you feel less guilty. It had a stripe down the center. A stripe with letters on it. My fingers trembled as I held it out, unbe lieving, to read, “The Statler Hotel.” My assurance rose once more. The Tillinghasts and I spoke the sane language. They were no better than I was. Chest out. I strode into the hallway, past the flunkey, down the red velvet stairs. Nothing mattered now. —STANLEY JONES The Former Department Store Elevator Operator Shows a Friend Through His Home First floor! Living and dining- rooms, kitchen, rugs, foyer, lino leum, butler’s pantry, sun porch, cooking utensils, draperies, etch ings, lamps, books and book cases, radio, piano and Victrola, dining and living-room furniture, dishes, and forks, chinaware, cut silverware and_ linens Going UP! Bedrooms, bath and beds, mattresses, men’s and chil- knives glass, watch your step! Second floor! room, sheets pillow cases, dren’s clothing, women’s dresses, hats, shoes, toilet articles, chif foniers, drugs, medicine chest, carpets, men’s furnishings and costumers—watch your — step going UP! Third floor! Attic! Trunks, suit-cases, curios and antiques. Going down! Watch your step! A. kB $ mT . k {.. We = Mrs. Gouire.y veins. Mrs. Nuricu Those young people have blue blood in their -~Dear me, couldn’t something be done for them?

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JUDGE THE HAT TRICK

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Debunking Death ANGING on a gas tap in the corridor of Liy ingston Hall, Columbia, is, or was. a “Notice to Prospective Suicides.” It begins by student who contemplates asphyxi himself by means of questing the ting this particular jet to remember the other fellow” and not to flood the hall with ntire gas. ‘“‘Keep your asphyxiation to uurself,”’ it counsels, and also: “Kindly prearrange for the disposal of the body. It lving about the hall.” will be a nuisance The notice continues: In the interest of GOOD FORM in this matter, it is quested that you observe the following practices: 1. Before popping off, obtain the works of at least three f the following authors. Leave them lying about your room. It makes a neat gesture—Schopenhauer, Voltaire, Nietzsche, Remy de monds, the Bible Omar Khayyam. Gourmont, (open it at Jean Lahor, Arthur Sy Ecclesiastes), Ernest Dowson, 2. Just before your demise visit three night clubs in rapid succession, whether you feel like it or not, and raise hell in each. $. Do not fail to leave a HASTILY SCRIBBLED NOTE. Such as: “The world will have cooled down to 200 degrees below zero within a billion years. What then? All is vanity. Goodby.” “Il am sick of it all.” “I have been a constant reader of the tabloids for two years and have nothing more to learn about life.” “A whale’s throat is only four inches in diameter. Where is religion, then? Farewell.” “Oh, I am so tired! So tired! SO Tired! SO TIR Here is a perfect comment on student suicides. It penetrates like a dart to the heart of the morbid psychosis that has so often led young people to renounce the world—the histrionic impulse. And it renders their act, for all its tragedy, just a little ridiculous. In the interest of the preservation of idolescents we hope it gets a wide circulation. We defy anyone at all to commit suicide if he thinks it is going to make him ridiculous. SSF SS SF Tere is something about this “Notice to Prospec- tive Suicides,” something hard, impudent and essentially that is unusually revealing as gards the temper of the Younger Generation. Not en the subject of death, it seems, can betray these oys and girls into an acceptance of the sentimen ility of their elders. Isn't this, after all, the thing that most shocks sane, and angers their critics? It isn’t so much that they violate the conventions and commandments laid down in the and the prophets—all Younger Gener ations have done this, though not always in the same law degree—but for the first time in history these young upstarts are refusing to cry with us about it. We snivel and they laugh; it’s most disconcerting. W and laws, even Constitutional! Amendments, forbidding this and that, and they don't care enough even to remonstrate, so thoroughly de tached thes the le disintegrating age. And so thoroughly disregardtu! of the is a subject for raillery, giving ear to Clarence Tru Wilson ! grow messianic pass seem from all ivv hooey of a laws! Imagine a generation to whom suicide ss Ss RS SM writes Will Durant in a place ourselves at the year and ask what was the outstanding feature of human events in the first quarter of the twentieth century, we shall see that it was not the World War nor th: Russian Revolution, but the change in the status of woman. recent [' in imagination,” 2000, Century, “we History has seldom known so startling a transformation in so short a time.” And if you don't believe the new picture, “The Riders,”” and watch Mary Astor in the réle of the young belle of that period less than thirty years ago. Between her impersonation and the flapper of today lies a gulf resembling the Grand Canyon. This is the identical gulf that divides the Young: Generation from its parent. him, go see tough The girls carved it. I! they had remained the same coy, shrinking softies in trailing skirts and long hair who fluttered their tear stained handkerchiefs to the boys leaving for Cuba, the boys themselves would have remained the reverent romanticists they were. It is the women folk who have called the social tune, as always; the men who dance to it. Women have always been realists at heart. But it is only since the Industrial Revolution emancipated them from economic dependence on the sentimental male, that is to say, since the Spanish War, that the ' have chosen to show their true Indeed, the) would hardly have been realists had they done so colors. before. Now, however, as Dr. Durant points out “they smoke and swear and drink and think.” Hen the Younger Generation as we know it. Hence notic + Hence, if you choose, the Not a little refreshing, don’t you think? WM. H. to prospective suicides. Deluge. ail

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JUDGE Silver Lining Some fine day, you may decide that vou would like to carry a stick. Either to make walking more bearable, or merely in preference to the enforced com- panionship of more animated and less decorative bits of wood. In either event, it may be well for you to be prepared for the following inevitables: 1. “Lost a bet, eh?” 2. “What’s the idea of the shepherd’s crook?” 3. “Just back from dear ole Lunnon, what?” t. “Where'd you get yours, buddy?” 5. “What goes with that, writ- ing a book?” 6. “Wife’s Christmas present, eh?” The only correct and _satis- factory rejoinder—with sticks $8 to $30—is apt to run you into a bit of money. Not to mention damage suits. But you will glow with that holy serenity reserved for those who are helping the world on to better things. —Srantey Jones |e HARP ancy| ZA Ir THey Hap Nigut-Civuss 1n Heaven Patron (departing)—That isn’t my halo! Haro-Room Girt (snappily)—I don’t know whether it’s yours or not, but it’s the one you left with me! A GH) “Is your wife entertain- ing this winter?” “Yes, two other fellows.” The Automobile Salesman’s Baby “Well, boys,” shouted Kenneth Billings, top-notch salesman, to his associates in the show-rooms of the Excelsior Eight, “the wife and I are pleased to announce the arrival of a new early ’27 model with all juvenile improvements. This little model gets thirty-five wails to a pint of milk and is the niftiest job in the country. Lots of stamina, too! It is in every way an improve- ment on the Billings models that preceded it and is a fitting addi tion to the Billings line. One of the finest body jobs you ever laid your eyes on built on a cute little chassis that will soon be the talk of the neighborhood. All of the equipment desired in a really fine model—eyes that light up volun tarily, six cylinder lungs, white satin shoes and lots of crying power. Can make any trill in high. On display next Sunday at the Billings Show Rooms, 22 Kens ington Boulevard. When better babies are built, Billings will build them!” —A.L.L. 14

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1 seid lnk eae ta JUDGE Now [I ask you—did you ever hear of anything so ex- cruciatingly clever as the person who de- signs silk pat terns with matches and match boxes ? And, my dears, he also uses lumps of sugar, camphor balls and carpet tacks. We mean he actually does this and the designs are simply too smart. It’s really the most extra- ordinary thing you've ever seen. ~ a My dears, I could positively rave on for the rest of my life about the perfectly divine costume jewelry this spring. It is the most gorgeous stuff you could possibly imagine. Every _ size, shape and color of everything. It’s the most insufferably alluring stuff you’ve ever seen. We simply can't bear to pass the shops. I mean it’s simply the most anathe- mizing process to have to pass right by all of those utterly sweet trinkets. on know that there is nothing like great universities for Do you digging up obscure bits of knowl- edge? The Princeton students have finally discovered the exact reason why shoes actually have soles. And I’m quite certain, my dears, that the next time we go up fora prom we'll hear the whole student body there practicing “Tramp, Tramp, Tramp, the Boys Are Marching.” We ask you isn’t it the most killing thing? We really couldn’t bear the idea of being carried to proms on roller skates or scooters. It would be so frightfully out of place, you know. In fact, it would be the most ridiculously asinine pers formance. And I’m quite certain that nothing else could possibly happen. pe wis Have you seen the madden- ingly attractive slickers this spring? Why, they are the most adorable things in the world. The cutest lines you can ever imagine and really almost as stunning as the new spring wraps. And they perfectly you'd never dream that they are are so camouflaged Eevat Ricguts ror Men! [ Pp I | | } \ | \| | | hy \iy \] i \I hf actually rain Be n= > == \ | Have you read Nathalie Sedgew ick Col L by’s “Green Mf Forest”? Re ally, it’s the most abysmally \ disappointing novel of the age. Just as vou begin to get all thrilled over a most brilliant para graph or two she goes absolutely flat - yes positively Honestly, it takes more nerve to get through this book because, after all, it’s simply unbearabl blooey . to get all worked up to a most marvelous pitch and then to be dropped into a most horrible aby ss. It’s really too devastating for words. cs —> Six Best Steppers “Following the Sun Around” (Rio Rita) “Texas Stomp” (Polly of Holly wood “Lot of Bull” (Polly of Holly wood “Muddy Water” (no show) “T Love the Moonlight” “Falling in Lov: (no show no show 5 > Jury, I ask your mercy—this man is about to become a a father. 15

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JUDGE

"A DAY WITH JUDGE, Jr. 1

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x ED — CHAMPAGNE OuT oF B BATH AT @1X PM _— Se ae ecabiiidids ads ln 2 ANDEED, PR —~) f We Hse € AND GoaKED WN f BEEN POLED fF “EPID CHAMPAGNE, EXACTLY ONE ‘. @2 \ «“\ J

WIG. Great sayings of famous men —‘The man worth while is the man who can smile and edit a funny magazine’ —Judge, Jr... . before I jerned the staff of Juper, I always had the idea that people in a funny paper office just sat around all day and laughed their heads off—that was before the editor (one cagey guy!) talked me into getting out a special number! now | know different! ... as a matter of cold fact, the only reason they let me edit an issue is so the editor can go off on a fishing trip . .. at least that’s what he calls them . . . however, into each life some rain must fall. ot Before I forget it I want to apologize for this number as I look through it, it seems to be a conglomeration of every- thing . . . this is due, I suspect, to the different ideas people have of the expression “High Hat” . some think it means snooty or ritzy, while others with night clubs, associate it dancing and drinking .. . to me, it means “e ”? regular”... I don’t mean by «e > . regular” a bird that ean drink everybody else under the table, or a Rotarian, or one of the intelligentsia... but a person retaining the best features of each. —h— “Mac” and I decided that the bird who sent in “A Day with Judge, Jr.,” a couple of weeks ago was all wrong so we doped out an “average” day in my young life and the young artist has depicted it all over this page, thus cutting my copy down very nicely! . . . of course, this pro- gram doesn’t include Sundays on Sundays I just naturally cut loose ! -h— Since I suggested the game, several wise-cracking High Hats have sent in funny “song some

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NINE MINUTE@ OF HE-MAN WORK AT “THE OPPICE I

inol wro gar ing acre am well sug} fore T into enol of ‘ of 1 one one

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JUDGE

ATE

no end sugges- lemon juice, one quarter orange tions and here juice, one whole egg, one tea- they are. . . . spoonful of apricot brandy, and ‘‘Hominy_ sweeten with powdered sugar... . times,’ “Garter — M. R. Parsonnet of no less WIRTY I certainly owe an apology to than Newark certainly shakes a AM F. A. Selgas of Brooklyn . .. he vaonangs epistle - +. harken! oie a tot Gein th ob Dear Junior: I am consumed gard to a stag party he was giv- by a terrific despair, - deplorable ing on the 11th and I just ran grief, whenever, in the course o% em, aeross the letter! ... Says he, the promulgation gil ~-Ae “nd | Sa 7“ “You are just the one to give me esoteric cogitations, or the articu fi GAD a novel idea for a stag party... lation of one of rd more super No END Tat Gittins. SS ee 5 = te A JI aA suggest calling the girls up be- seized by the certainty that _ KK GeAvE A , fone oie ofaieak™ are not acquainted with that f SRAV = 2 _} A _ cocktail, that nectar of the higher t MILK WAGON 1/T)—T_ \ a deities, that ambrosia of the \. AOVING PXP \ Olympians, that airy breath of \ ME if ‘ Un | The way the recipes are piling the more delicate angels, known \ HOME / F \ | | into this office Ill soon have as the ‘White Lily.’ I could Xr yy Uy enough to get out a second edition descant for hours on the gentle pein \ an of “Here’s How” ... and some aroma, the poetic pallor of this A ‘ of them are hot stuff ... here’s fairy beverage, or its mischievous ene that hails from New Haven habit of waiting many minutes ee a ae , 4 one quarter Gordon water, after your imbibition of it, and OUT OF GAS AND FO HOME ANL one quarter scotch, one quarter (Continued on page 29) J WF LIE }, ~ rape ALIKE } 3 / « ” r SEIRKY 4 a 4 eee j | 3 | | J | = | a Zp ep a UW;

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J

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JUDGE ome people get all the breaks! Here I get another chance to pinch hit for George Nathan, while he is out criticizing California, and what opens but the two worst flap- doodles of the season! The first one is another of those mystery melodramas full of clutching hands, falling bodies, revolver shots, shrieks in the dark and hooey. It is called “The Mystery Ship” and is produced and directed by one Gustav Blum, who also produced “Gertie.” I have never seen “Gertie” and now I know I never shall! The program states that “Au diences at mystery plays have always been asked not to reveal the outcome to those who have not seen the play,” but be it ethical or unethical, I’m going to let my readers in on the secret! ‘The Mystery Ship” will close very soon! While I am on the subject I would like to add another ques- tion to the ‘““Ask Me Another’ list. Why was “The Mystery Ship” ever produced? I'll give a prize of five copies of “Here’s How!” to anyone, including Mr. Blum, who can answer that question. The famous criminologist in the play stated calmly that “Everything can be explained” and some un- couth person behind us_ yelled, “How about this play?” However, to fulfill my duties as a critic, here is a résumé of the A man is found dead on board the S. S. Monogonia, and then what do you think happens? Why, he disappears! Then some more people do a vanishing act and everyone including the audi ence is nonplussed. In fact they should have had on the program story. By JUDGE JUNIOR, Pineh-hitting for George Jean Nathan “The Mystery Ship” (Garrick)—If it’s still rur ning it sure is a mystery play! “Menace” (49th St wedish. Madame Butterfly gone “Loud Speaker” (52nd St Hooey “We Al Do” (Bijou “Queen High” (Ambassador)—A couple of good tunes—little else. Very poor ‘The Barker” (Biltmore)—Fair comedy-melo- drama of carnival show life. “Saturday's Children” (Booth)—A very engag- ing comedy on the matrimonial difficulties of young folk. “Broadway” (Broadhurst)—As good a melo- drama as New York has seen in some time “The Constant Nymph” (Cort)—A fetching dramatization of the novel of the same name “The Constant Wife” (Elliott)—Amusing sex comedy with Ethel Barrymore as the star “Crime” (Times Square)—Crooks again “Set a Thief” (Empire duller ones. Here too, but much “Thou Desperate Pilot” (Morosco)—Zoe Akins’ latest. | “Countess Maritza” (44th St An excellent score. “I Told You So” (46th St Eddie Conrad diverting. Sam Bernard and “Judy” (Royal)—Poor music show “The Squall” (48th St.)—Cheap sex drama | “Tommy” (Gaiety)—For the pure in heart “Criss Cross” (Globe)—Entertaining dancing | tournament featuring the Stone family “The Silver Cord’ (Golden)—Not much | “ Pygmalion” (Guild)—Fair Shaw revival. “Right You Are” (Guild)—Admirably staged | Pirandello play, and very interesting } | “Caponsacchi” (Hampden)—Browning in sock and buskin. “The Devil in the Cheese’ (Hopkins) —Amateur ish fantastic comedy | | a | “The Noose” (Hudson)—Ordinary melodrama “Oh, Kay!’ (Imperial) —Amusing show featur- ing Gertrude Lawrence. “The Nightingale” (Jolson)—Eleanor Painter and some agreeable melodies. “Sinner” (Klaw)—No. “Two Girls Wanted” (Little)—Again no “An American Tragedy” (Longacre)—A tabloid newspaper version of Dreiser's estimable novel. “The Ramblers” (Lyric ite American play Sacha Guitry’s favor- “Puppets of Passion” (Masque this life Not long for Lucky” (New Amsterdam)—To be reviewed anon “Granite” (Mayfair)—Dul! “The Play's the Thing” (Miller you. It will amuse “Chicago” (Music Box)—It will amuse you even more. “Pog” (National)—Commonplace mystery melo. drama. “Pinwheel” (Neighborhood)—Juvenile Expres- sionistic play. “The Road to Rome” (Playhouse)—A good idea gone wrong. “ Bye-Bye Bonnie” (Ritz)—Poor music show. “ Yours Truly” Stubert)—A good one. “What Ann Brought Home" (Wallack's)—No. “Rio Rita” (Ziegfeld)—Finely produced musi- cal comedy, but a stupid libretto. co) under CHARACTERS (in order of their disappearance). Anyway the arch criminal (yes, sir, he was zn arch criminal!) was finally un earthed and who should it be but Mister “Gwegor.” The second piece of liverwurst is labeled ‘‘Menace’’ and _ is Madame Butterfly gone Swedish. It is one of those native tropical things with a poor little Japalac in love with the American hero and along comes Ruth, the Amer- ican beauty, and Japalac is out of luck. All this is carried on to the accompaniment of tom-toms, and revolver shots, causing such a bedlam of noise that I never heard my companion yell ‘For Gawd’s sake, let’s get out of here!” until the middle of the second act. It is bruited about, however, that the management is going to give away a pair of ear muffs to every ticket purchaser. If they have to give away more than three dozen I’m a_ poor critic! There ought to be a law passed to prevent such bloomers as this ever reaching the footlights. When a man goes into a restau- rant and pays $3.85 for a dinner, if he doesn’t like the food he gets his money back or a chance at some other dish. This is prac- tically the same in any other line of business except the theater and Why not have a Play Jury that passes on plays before the movies. they are produced? The question of whether they are salacious or not is not half as important as whether they are worth seeing! Vaudeville has its regulation try outs for all acts—why not the legit? ee

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JUDGE | JUDGING. ‘ne MOVIES* : —— illiom Mortis Houghton Ce, Xf Tg? Z # é | i a 7h { RAs Hopper, to begin with, is a dead ringer for Teddy in every look and movement —the stride, the jaw, the teeth, the quick, pugna- cious gestures. And Hugo Rie- OMPARED with these irritat- senfeld, for the musical setting, 4 ing and illusionless times has contrived a clever arrange- the era of Roosevelt was a golden age of in- nocence and faith. War and reform were synonyms for romance then. Young ladies were still young ladies; the West was still wild, and there were “dudes.” And instead of writh- ing to the strains of Irving Berlin we marched _ to those of John Philip Sousa. The tail end of the Mauve Decade it may have _ been, but, relatively speaking, it was a decidedly happy, hopeful and whole- hearted day, on the order of soph- omore year at col- lege, with an amazingly roman- tic and vigorous grown-up sopho- more to personify it for us. All this “The Rough Riders” brings home _ to you on a_ tidal wave of nostalgia, if you are old enough really to remember what the age of Roose- collaborators have handled it with niscent airs of the period— a fine feeling for color. Frank “There'll be a Hot Time,” “Dolly velt was like. The “Did George take it hard when you broke episode of the engagement?” Rough Riders epi “Terribly—he qave up drinking!” tomizes it in any case, and Victor Fleming and his ment of those exceedingly remi- Gray . ete, The first half of the film espe cially, drips with the off your completely curiously buoyant atmosphere of those simple times and packs a sigh with each snicker. Incidentally, it contains some very realistic bronco - busting, including spills, and a fist fight that’s a hum dinger. The second half, excellent as a great deal of its war stuff is, wal lows in a lake of sentimental mo- lasses. One of the two boys, rivals for Mary back home, carries with him a little silk flag she has given him, tucked in the pocket soldiers ought to reserv for their Bull Durham. When he goes under fire for the first time he loses his nerve, but stung by th: taunts of the ser- geant and stimu lated by the ex ample of a dying comrade and_ the sight of Mary's flag he pulls him self together, leads the charg up San Juan Hill and finally stops a Spaniard’s bul let. His _ rival, won by his heroism, then picks him up and starts back with him in his arms to the dress- 20

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ing station. For reels of film, it seems, he stumbles on. A sniper gets him, but he staggers to his feet and continues with his bur- den, singing to him, begging him not to die, on and on. The thing is strung out to the point where a hard-boiled incredulity comes to the rescue of one’s emotions. There is a lot more of this type of emotional appeal before we arrive with relief at the anti- climax of the Roosevelt inau- guration. Nevertheless, Charles Emmett Mack, who plays the part of the young hero, does a truly distinguished job, and not far behind him in this respect are Charles Farrel, the rival, and, as the comedians of the picture, George Bancroft and Noah Beery. Mary Astor, as Mary, is exceedingly pretty, but as an ac- tress she’s just a first-class movie sweetheart. M* I say, with all due defer- 4 ence to a contrary opinion, that I am not always cocksure my opinion of a picture is the right one, not even often cock- sure. But now and then a picture comes along that I know I can't be mistaken about. Such a one is “The Show,” with John Gilbert, Renée Adorée and Lionel Barry- more. It’s terrible, and there isn’t one in a hundred above the mental age of eight who won't agree with me. Allow me to go into a few par- ticulars. The story is that of a small tent show somewhere in Europe. Renée Adorée takes the part of Salome and dances before Herod. Gilbert doubles as barker for the show and as John the Baptist, and night after night has his head cut off in full view on the stage. His executioner is the villain of the piece, played by Lionel Barrymore. Now, Salome loves John and Lionel loves Salome. To get rid of his rival Lionel plans to use a real meat cleaver instead of the fake one when next he tumbles John’s head into the basket. He actually has it poised for the blow when Salome interferes. Foiled in this plot he cabbages the Gila monster belonging to the snake charmer and turns it loose in John’s attic apartment, with the result that in the end, of course, he is bitten himself and dies at their feet. And through all this and a lot more Gilbert barely walks, para- lyzed possibly by the inanity of the picture. “What do you have to pay for tires, Alec?” “Don’t know; I’ve never had to buy any.” “Why, you've had your car almost two years!” “Yes, but it had Kelly-Springfields on it when it was delivered.” apy. 21 ?

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This digestive aid knows when to stop! O relieveafter-dinner distress, many people takealkalies likesoda bicarbonateand prep- arations containing it. And they get the relief they want, because these chemicals neutralize the acidity that usually causes indigestion, heart-burn and flatulence. But the drawback to alkalies of this class is that they don’t know when to “call ita day.” After they overcome the hyperacidity, they keep right on working. Unless you know ex- actly the right amount to take, they are apt to alkalize the contents of the stomach. And that is a great handicap to normal diges- tion, for the stomach should be slightly acid (1-5 of 1 percent) properly to perform its work. Gastrogen Tablets are free from this objection The commendable thing about Gastrogen Tab- lets is that no matter how many you take, they do just one thing —neutralize the acidity that causes your discomfort. Then they stop. They can't possibly alkalize your stomach. Any ex- cess that you might take simply passes harm lessly and unchanged through the system. So, next time you feel uncomfortable after eating, try Gastrogen Tablets. They are mild, effective and 100 per cent harmless. They quickly quell digestive disturbance—within 15 to 20 minutes. They are aromatically pleasant to taste, and they are surprisingly good for sweetening the breath. Your druggist has them in handy pocket tins of 15 tablets for 20c; also in cabinet size bottles of 60 tablets for 60c. If you wish to try them before you buy them, send the coupon for free introductory packet of 6 tablets Name Ma— —— Love’s Young Dream Salesmanship in 1930 The earnest disciple of modern salesmanship breezed cheerily into the private office of John Dough, after a victorious strug- gle with the office boy. “Good morning, sir,” he cried heartily as he drew from his sample case the latest model of the Fire-foe extinguisher. “‘Kind- ly give me your undivided atten- tion while I give a_ practical demonstration of the Fire-foe.” “Can't use any? Good day.” Mr. Dough growled without look- ing up from his morning mail. “Now watch me closely,” con- tinued the salesman as he struck a dramatic pose and pulled the plunger of the extinguisher. A yellow liquid shot out and settled in a dirty looking puddle on the morning mail. Mr. Dough leaped quickly aside and the salesman smiled in a pleased way. Lesson No. | in his school of salesmanship was to get the attention of the prospect. “Observe,” he went on, “that the liquid will dry, leaving your papers unstained.” Mr. Dough jabbed feverishly at the buzzer on his desk. “You're the fifth salesman——” “I threw the office boy down stairs,” the salesman remarked pleasantly. “Now with your per- mission we will continue’ the demonstration. You cannot fail to buy after seeing it. I will now set fire to your waste basket.” “Stop!” cried Mr. Dough, who was by this time only the shaking husk of what had been a man. “How many do I have to buy before I can go back to my work ?” Watter Hotmes

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“Now you're talking sense,” approved the salesman. “It don’t take you long to see the point. Probably a couple of dozen would take care of your immediate needs. Kindly sign on the lower right hand corner of the order.” He shoved a fountain pen at Mr. Dough and waited. “Stop!” They both turned to stare at a newcomer who had interrupted them. This athletic looking per- son stood with hand upraised waiting for the full attention which he already had secured. “I'd like to see that pen,” he declared, taking it from the trem- bling hand of Mr. Dough. “Do you realize that without a good fountain pen your salesman- ship would be wasted?” he de- manded of the salesman. ‘Sup- pose your prospect should drop the pen and step on it like this,” he said, suiting the action to the words. The pen cracked under the weight of his heel and a little puddle of ink formed on the floor. “Now, if you had owned a Sparker Indistructo that never could have happened,” the new- comer explained cheerfully. “Here is one of our pens. Try to break it. This pen has been thrown from aeroplanes. You can drive it through a half inch pine board without harming it in the least. Colonel Bullhouser, the African explorer, killed a man-eating tiger with one. A _ gentleman needs a pen in each suit and sev- eral for the family. How long since you gave your wife a foun- tain pen?” “Ill buy one,” the Fire-foe man offered. “You'll take a dozen or none,” the pen man retorted. “I’m salesman, not an ordertaker.” “Stop!” Another salesman entered and elbowed his way up to Mr. Dough. “It is in such emergen- cies as this, sir, that you need a bullet-proof vest,” he declared. “Protect yourself. 11,435 inno- cent bystanders were killed last year.” “Is your bullet-proof vest ab- solutely guaranteed to shed bul- lets?” queried Mr. Dough with interest. “You can shed cannon balls with it,” the vest man assured him. “Fair enough,” Mr. Dough agreed as he drew a revolver from his desk and fired point-blank at his latest visitor. Chew clean and pearly white. * KRESS bie © ENTYNE ..and smile/ —not your frown. And your teeth are a big part of your smile. Teeth form the background. Keep your teeth attractive—a flash of snowy white behind your smile. Chew delicious Dentyne, the gum that keeps breath sweet, teeth TEETH WHItE The pen salesman looked con- temptuously at the still form on the floor. “Nowadays,” he ob- served, “any guy that isn’t pre- pared for a demonstration of his product ought to be shot.” Se J “Karl, is the man who just gave you a cigar a friend of yours?” “I dont know; I haven’t lit the cigar yet.” —Faun, Vienna \FUNNYBOWES/ A scientist is a person who makes a mountain out of a molecule. Judge pays $5 for each one printed C prec ah ed Train Travel. Journey by S« and Comfort. 75c. & $1.50 at Drug Stores or direct The Mothersill Remedy Co., Ltd New York Aa, Train, Auto, Car or Air in Health Montreal London TRAIN SICKNESS’ Mothersill’s prevents exhaustion, nausea, dizziness and faintness of 33 Abbott & Co., Baltimore, Md. For busy men and women — Abbott’s Bitters, a delightful | tonic and invigore ator—sample by_ mail 25 cts a 23 ——

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Nymphs Confess, Dreeme: It makes the kind of stirrup « ip I like lifts one into the saddle of lit Visione: Martini & Rossi Vermouth es indeed It mixes well witl re Pulchritude in a swig Or as a gentlem4n in tweeds remarked, “It actually makes breathing ¢ njoy able.” One doesn’t require the clairvoyant taste to revel in beverages mixed of Martin & Rossi non-alcoholic Vermouth and other friendly ingredients And there are the regular Italian and the Extra Dr t two adventures—to two kinds, two tastes play with The enable all sorts of shades of snap and favor, and produc profound cubistic effects on th mind and imagination Confessions Good for Thirsty Souls By a Good Mixer You 4 rite your ~ book review of “The Co fessions of aGood Mixer by lad Crane He do more than tell how to pr pare grape fruit v stomach Martu Ross Vermouth mo ha he se ts i 4 4 fla which e 1 rk hine old tami Send for your py, and avord mutat t ’ ! manding tl Non-A hol either Iralhia Extra Dry preterab both Address W \ Taylor & Co 4 Pine Street, New York Cit MARTINI&ROSSI (non-alcoholic) VERMOUTH er Grocery and everywhere Delicatessen Stores | Well, Why Not? “Have you heard about Willis?” I asked him. “You know his uncle left him a million dollars and he went and every cent of it away. Now he’s working in a silk mill at eighteen a week. Can you beat it?” gave Jones became thoughtful for a moment or two and then re- marked in that drawling deliber- ate way of his: “Well, you know it takes all kinds to make the world. It would be a mighty dull place if this weren't so. Now I know ia I left him. I had an appoint- ment anyway. “Jane,” I re- marked after we were comfort- ably settled, “did you know that Willis away?” his entire fortune She smiled sadly and murmured: “I’m afraid you don’t understand his temperament. look on gave Some material people things differently. Why, a friend I had intended to propose that ev ening, too. “Have a little more chicken,” I urged him. “By the way, I've got an interesting thing to tell you of mine before we go back to the office. You know this fellow, Willis, I was telling you about? Somebody left him a cool million and he gave it all away.” “Well,” replied Ford philo sophically, “it’s a small world. Some people look at things one way and some folks see it entirely different. Now is just a homely philosophy, but I mine can see- He paid the check. “Well done,” I applauded as she finished her figure eight. “You skate be autifully.”’ “Willis taught me,” she replied. “Funny about him giving that money away, wasn't it?” I ventured. “Not at all.” she answered de cisively. “It’s all in the way vou BASKET WITH SIMPLE ATTACHMENT SEO AS A LOUD- SPEAKER ay Yd — | | FoR SWORT GoLF STICKS C > a hot WITH One t EACH-A Swim | | | ) T LIGHTING AS A For GOLD FISH— ———- — PRIVACY AT LAST , THROUGH mING SuIT Proving That a High Hat Is More Than an an Inv ‘stment, It’s Ornament 24

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look at it. After all, it takes all kinds of p IT pushed her down a stray gap in the ice and took the next train for the city. I must have taken rather strongly to drink later that day. How, otherwise, could I have found myself in such an earnest conver- sation with the man who disposes of my used newspapers and cigarettes? “I’ve got a friend,” I told him, “who had a million dollars left to him. He gave it all away.” My companion spat a luscious quid which just missed my feet. “Well, the *!?!!—n&!!! fool!’ he remarked earnestly. We eat dinner together at Childs every evening. Parke CUMMINGS J Salesman—And what kind of a motor-car horn would you like, sir? Do you care for a good, loud blast? ; Haughty Customer No: | want something that just sneers. Trr Brrs i An expedition is digging up houses of the time of Abraham in the city of Ur, twenty feet below the surface. Apparently, this housing shortage is still acute. —Evervrnopy’s WEEKLY a 4 Belle Baker knows a Scotsman who is saving up to be a miser. New York Grapute “They grinned when the waiter spoke to me in French—but their laughter changed to amazement at my reply.” an 4 be a “ny . A cd ay en ~ 4 - See: ” + nll SESE, R-V-B: Chocolates Trust and \ul Eggs | * ‘ee Rar Gifts in Good Taste ; a | - Bal orEaster 4 i S/j P jt ( wf At &nglish universities | -they learn | to smoke Graven —— |) At Oxrorp and Cambridge you'll find the students smoking Craven Mixture And on this side of the Atlant: the colleges or the world outside—you'll find American pipe lovers smoking that same fine old English tobacco. You can buy Craven Mixture at your wn tobacconist anywhere in the United States or Canada. Geta tin! You'll find the airtight packing has kept Craven a3 *sh and fragrant as when it left the eat Arc Dept ( raven MIXTURE | | Zmported from London | ™~ ’ “

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Under the Desk of a Busy Executive or on the feet of a college man you find Osteo- path-iks because—they combine “dress-up” style with “rocking chair” com- fort. Osteo-path-iks fit the first day and every day thereafter holdtheirshape the same way—all on account of special features built right into Osteo-path-iks. Most styles $6.00. Sen d for FREE You walk on Cushions eis You rok let. “Walk for Health in Osteo-path-iks” Allen - Spiegel Shoe Mfg. Co. 254 Grand Ave., Belgium, . . Wis, You, too, can be a Captain of Finance All you need is a few million dollars, as Mark W. Whiffle discovered at the outset of his career. But appearance counts, too. In fact, Whiffle never succeeded till he noticed how ghastly his finger-nails were. Then he amassed a fortune almost over night—for, after beginning to use Gem, the handy pocket manicure, all doors were opened to him. The Gem Nail Clipper i cleans, trims and files the / nails, quickly, easily, any- where. Fits pocket or van- / ity case. WearGem Jr. on f your watch chain or key \) ring. At drug and cutlery j Stores. The H. C. Cook Co. 3 Beaver St., Ansonia, Conn. Gem Jr., 35¢ Gem, 50c Old MoneyWanted *:: 5: nickel of 1913 with Liberty head (no Buffalo). = q --. jums for all rare coins. Send 4c for Lowe ( older. May mean much lw. to you. NUMISMATIC CO., Dept. 469, Ft. Worth, Tex. A college student arose from his table in a fashionable dining- room and walked toward the door. He was passing the house detec- tive at the entrance when a silver sugar bowl dropped from _ his bulging coat. The guest glanced calmly at the officer, then turned with an expression of polite annoyance toward the occupants of the room. “Ruffians,” he said, “Who threw that?” and walked out. —SranrorD CHAPARRAL exclaimed the bus, “isn’t the “My goodness!” old lady on the traffic thick !” “It’s not the traffic,” the conductor, grunted “it’s the cops.” —Brown Jua FS “How’s huntin’ out Chicago way?” “Purty good. Got a _ nice mounted policeman in my trophy room.” —QOnio Hoso “On into the jazz Went the Four Hundred. of Death —CorNeELL Wipow

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LEADERS ©. i ‘£55 ‘ eT VOTING SQY ASKED THE INN KEEPER, Bucket—And who was that worthy gentleman I saw you with last night, Percy? Bucx—dAh, I say, _ that wasn’t no gentleman, that was Judge, Jr. —Caro.tina BuccaNeER RE Anticipation The audience was very unkind at the speaker's temperance lec- ture and kept interrupting. At last he hired an ex-prize fighter to keep order. That night he contrasted the content of home life with the squalor of drunken- ness, “What is it we want when we return home from our daily toil?” he asked. ““What do we want to ease our burden, to gladden our hearts. to bring smiles to our lips?” He paused for effect and in the silence the voice of the keeper of the peace could be heard: “Mind,” he said, “‘the first guy that savs beer, out he goes with a bang.’”—M. I. T. Voo Doo ej Fan—How about your team? Are they good losers ? Coach (after disastrous sea- son )—Good—hell, they're per- fect—OKkLAHoMA WutrLWINpb wt “Use the word ‘Texas’ in a sentence.” “To hell with Income Texas.” Outro Strate Sun Diar Somebody’s Mother You can roam the wide world o'er, From mountains high to distant shore, Seeing sights unique to only cer- tain lands; You can travel wide and high, By boat or train or fly, Cross frozen lakes as well as burning sands, Yet when your traveling days are past, And you're back again at last, I know the very first thing vou will say: No longer shall I roam, From now on I'll stay at home, For there’s no place like the dear old U. S. A. —Micuican GarGoyLe a 4 “Talking about little burgs,” said the traveling man, “reminds me of the time I was in the smallest town I know of. Why, that town was so small that they painted ‘Come Again’ on the back of the ‘Welcome’ sign.” —Western Reserve Rep Cat Jor Is he stuck up? Mor—Is he stuck up! Why he even put Hyatt bearings in his car! —Srevens Tecu Srone Mitt — Their mildness | lends an added charm to smoking. And—wrapped in heavy foil—they’re always fresh. P.S. If you play bridge, let us send you our attractive new Marlboro Bridge Score —mailed free upon request. MARLBORD PHILIP MORRIS & Co, L2 Inc. 44 West 18th St., Dept. F9, New York

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Statement of the ownership, management, circulation, etc., required by the Act of Congress of August 24, 1912, of “Judge,” published weekly at New York, N. Y., for April 1, 1927, State of New York, County of New York. Before me, a Notary Public, in and for the State and county aforesaid, personally appeared Fred L. Rogan, who, having been duly sworn according to law, deposes and says that he is the Business Manager of “Judge,” and that the following is, to the best of his knowledge and belief, a true statement of the ownership, management, etc., of the afore- said publication for the date shown in the above caption, required by the Act of August 24, 1912, embodied in section 411, Postal Laws and Regulations, printed on the reverse of this form, to wit: 1. That the names and addresses of the publisher, editor, managing editor, and business managers are: Publisher, Leslie-Judge Company, 627 West 43rd Street, New York, N. Y.; Editor, Norman Anthony, 627,West 43rd Street, New York, N. Y.; Managing Editor, Norman An- thony, 627 West 43rd Street, New York, N. Y.; Business Manager, Fred L. Rogan, 627 West 43rd Street, New York N. Y. 2. That the owner is: Leslie Judge Company, 627 West 43rd Street, New York City, N. Y.; Vernal W. Bates, 4% George Street, New Haven, Conn.; William Green, 627 West 43rd Street, New York City, N. Y. 3. That the known bondholders, mortgagees, and other security holders ewning or holding 1 per cent or more of total amount of bonds, mortgages, or other securities are: None. 4. That the two paragraphs next above, giving the names of the owners, stockholders, and security holders, if any, contain not only the list of stockholders and security holders as they appear upon the books of the company but also, where the stockholder or security halder appears upon the books of the company as trustee or in any other fiduciary relation, the name of the person or corporation for whom In Cases such trustee is acting, is given; also that the said two para- graphs contain statements embracing affiant’s full know!- edge and belief as to the circumstances and conditions under which stockholders and security holders who do not appear upon the books of the company as trustees, hold stock and securities in a capacity other than that of a bona fide owner and this affiant has no reason to believe that any other per- eon, association, or corporation has any interest direct or in- direct in the said stock, bonds, or other securities than as so stated by him. Fred L. Rogan, President. Sworn to and subscribed before me this 23rd day of March, 1927. Joseph T. Cooney. (My commission expires March 30, 1928.) “ *Eere, steady on, young feller. This is an escalator, not an oscu- lator.” —Everysopy’s WEEKLY EUROPE ON CREDIT By “Famous Allen Plan.” Small payment. Balance 10 aes colume.. Booklets, 200 Tours $240 up, sent free. ans ALLEN TOURS, Inc., Little Bldg., Boston, Mass. KEMP'S BALSAM FOR THAT COUGH I ( Revever (the morning after)—IJ wish to report this con- stable for cruelty. took me home! The Laggard The pantomime was on the eve of production, and the orchestra had just rehearsed the overture for the fifth time. “Thank you, gentlemen,” said the composer, who was also the conductor; ‘‘at last you have given me a truly correct interpretation of my work.” “Say,” whispered the man who played the bassoon, “that’s queer; I've got two pages to play yet!” —Cuicaco News I “Can you serve asked the mistress. “Yes, both ways, plied the new maid. “Both ways?” “Yes, mum. So they'll come again or so they'll stay away.” —Totrennam Heratp company?” mum,” re- SAS As no whistle was available for a football match at Weybridge, a motor-horn was used. The game was very brisk, as all the players happened to be trained pedes- trians.— Humonrist Last night, instead of bringing me here. he g ] ging Passinc SHow “What a Claude! sional beautiful coat, But I do feel an ocea- pang for the poor animal skinned to get it.” “Thanks, that’s vou, Ellen.” kind of very Aussie, Sydney a J There is an establishment in London where hair is cut for nothing. Bald Aberdonian tors must feel their position very keenly. —Lonpon OPINIoNn visi- 1 “What did father say when you told him you were going to tak« me away from him?” “He seemed to feel his loss keenly at first, but I things with a good cigar.” —Tir Bits LIZZIE ( )\IABELS Overheard valves. squared Judge pays $5 for each one printed.

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vs 7 I t ¥, = Ai) | W t —_— First CoMMERCIAI Is a orders. SECOND What are they? lFirnst—Get out and stay out. High Hat Continued from page 17) then climbing upon your left shoulder and swatting you _ be- hind the ear with Thor’s hammer. 1 part Cointreau, 1 part bacardi, | part Gordon water, and a few drops of absinthe!” Thank vou, Mr. Parsonnet, and I’d like | to have vou write my next ad vertisement for “Here’s How.” > Seeing this is the High Hat number, it might not be amiss to mention a little dirt about the High Hat Club . . . applications for local hats keep coming in and I keep sending out Questionnaires IRA SAAC . Give a sentence withthe word >” i . Likable” a I likable 9¢ dog, don't you

"Th i f * ih | | qi iN : L ‘ yi uf alll i | “ witila<~

ngere ! "| salesman I qet only two kinds of Passinc Suow but I don’t seem to be able to get any action out of the Governor . .. I go in to see him twice a week and yell, “Where in the heck are those High Hat ke vs?" and he says, “Oh, yes!” writes a memorandum on his pad and promptly forgets all about it!.. but don’t be discouraged, Broth ers, I'm a lad with VISION and ON THE JOB every minute and it won't be LONG now! Bote: |. In That Order Dich looking up from his newspaper I savy. Jim, what is the Order of the Bath? Jim Well, Aas I have experi enced it, it’s first the water's too hot; then it’s too cold; then you're short of a towel; then you step on finally, the tel phone bell rings! the soap, and, Kansas City Star

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A recipe for sheer contentment Oxe “Old Town Canoe.” One shining inland lake. One well-seasoned partner. Two bags of duffle. Stow the duffle amidships as your partner takes his place in the bow. Now ease the Old Town” onto the lake and hop aboard. Stroke the water gently with your paddle— deep easy strokes. Soon, perhaps, you'll find yourself whistling softly to the rhythm of your swing. “Old Town Canoes” glide forward at the slightest dip of the blade. Strong and sturdy too, Priced $58 up. From dealer or factory. Free illustrated catalog shows sailing canoes, square stern canoes for outboard motors, dinghies, etc. Write today. Op Town Canoe Co., 1714 Fourth Street, Old Town, Maine. ‘Old Town Canoes

5 26 28 30 33 35 17 1 52 3 56 62 63 7 ee

Submitted by Harold O. Keedy, Martinsburg, W. Va. Judge pays $25 for each puzzle printed. Horizontal This is really true This fellow had the weight of the world on his shoulders. Your first cousin's maternal ancestor. Any egg will get this way if kept in hot water. This holds a lot of liquor. Sobriquet for the college boy's Lizzie. An entertaining woman. Pronoun. Supplications. This man’s wife turned to rubber. This is often getting boiled. A variety of corundum—this is very hard. This never seems to dry up. You'll be this if you're watchful. This should be well stuffed. Aids. The lady of the moon. A good thing to carry on a joy ride if you don't want to walk home. Preposition. There's a lot of money made with this This leaves in the spring. The autocrat of the breakfast table. A very idle fellow. A seat. These are in jail—and never will get out. A kind of grain. The first tempter. A beverage Nine sister goddesses. A skylight. Before. A French dance Many a poor fish gets caught in this. This place has a lot of Punch. A winding course. What ambitious young men should have. 4 vessel for holding water This attracts the women. This would make you go Horizontal 68. Where Horizontal 67 would send you. Vertical Famous Generalissimo. Attacked fiercely. This is often at sea. It’s easy to do this in the spring. The poor crossword Indian. This is usually told by the late returning husband in the wee smal! hours. This little fellow is noted for his industry. This raises a racket when it’s picked on. Collegian speeders have a hard time passing this. This often causes embarrassment. This has donkey-like characteristics. 15. This is always on foot 16. A city in Florida. 17. Cattle clans. 18. Good for a clean-up. 21. The little Quaker girl's assent. 24. This takes the cake. 26. Sky pilot orations 27. This always has a roof over its head 28. These follow the horses. 30. Heavenly hats. 31. This is a disgrace. 33. Born. 35. Mary's lamb. 40. What it is “to quaff.” 41. What the world would be without Prohibition. (Don't let this fool you.) 2. You must have this to play the calliope 43. Be careful of this or you'll lose your shirt. 45. An unpopular way of getting a fortune. 47. This is asinine. 49. This joint is being exposed these days. 51. The dwelling house of a Scotch clergyman. 52. An insinuation of contempt. 54. Those snake-like crossword fish 55. This runs from bank to bank (not a burglar). 56. A marble. 58. An ancient city. 60. There is no truth in this. 62. A Western state (abbr.). 64. Exclamation of surprise. Solution of Last Week’s Puzzle

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Page 33

Pt a a Tn CVA UG For taking a wife young Johnnie McFife Rests just a few feet ‘neat stone, No one would shoot him for taking a wise If he’d only take one of his own pla be 4 UIT et Log, \uay,, Too Risky Poet—My new poem will cause your heart to miss a beat. Editor—Take it away. I don't want anything that will affect the circulation. Aussie, Sydney J In Vienna an operatic tenor has been shot. But only because his wife was jealous. Tue Pink ‘Un I An American woman went to see her Negro cook, who was in bed. She gave the cook’s small son, Ephraim, a dollar with which to buy a chicken for his mother. In leaving she overheard the cook say: “Gimme dat dollar, chile, an’ go git dat chicken in de natchrul way.” Tit Brits IMS It is said that football is be coming popular in Arabia, only referees have an annoying habit of getting a genie to seal them up in a bottle directly after a match. Passinc SHow J from the fire at your hotel last night.” “That's not true; I had my py jamas on.” Trr Bits “ I hear you barely escaped 2 | Tina—Tess, I'm the happiest | girl alive! I’m marrying the | man I want! Tess—Pooh, you goose, that’s nothing to the joy of marrying | the man someone else wants! ‘ ANSWERS Ban ; Give a sentence withthe word “4 » { , * 9? oy BS 1 Connive 2) a connizve @ dime fer the movies ? M THE pons . , fanensne pays #5 for cosh one pring 7 ati \ to life’s \petter t in gs | rc \ /URAD ORLD’S BEST CIGARETTE Fo the man who feels entitled Borep Frienp (to very cautious driver)—I say, don’t you find it thrilling to sit gripping the wheel while the kids on scooters whizz by? 31 Lonvon OPINIon

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Our Movie Critic To ye Editor of Juve: Despite the incessantly monotonous chords that W. M. H. so persistently strums on his mental ukulele under “Judge on the Bench,’ we can still forgive him that, as we know that attacking the modern disruptions is at best the worst. When he dese- crates, however, the very essence of “Savoir Faire” by wearing the self- same attitude in his judgment of the movies, I think it’s time to draw the line (preferably around his neck). I sincerely agree with Mr. Robert H. Higgins in his letter of Jan. 10th. Is Mr. Houghton trying to display an esoteric knowledge to an infinitesimal group of other “Kritics” or is he at- tempting to point out to his reading public just what are the worth-while shows? Why not have him take just a few liver-stimulating exercises just before penning some of his bril- liant (?) satires? No! I am not a movie fan nor am I of the Sahara intelligentsia, Starvard students, but I do fairly represent that large num- ber of JupcGe’s readers that gather in those intellectual centers where J upGe is “The Book of the Week” fifty-one times a year and Christmas. Hough- ton, with his perpetual cries of Mush! mush! will soon tire out his “dogs” and his public also. To be more specific, in his criticism of “The Great Gatsby” he fiercely slings in raucous measure his favorite breakfast food, until, methinks, it must have gotten in his eyes while he was viewing the movie. To my mind, and those of many others equally well cultivated and intelligent (ahem!), it was a splendid picture of a rather delicate situation to handle in a movie, but despite the handicap—ex- tremely well done. As for “Judge Sophomore”—after comparing his columns, or is it col- umn, with those of his sister (literary only), I can easily understand why the “Hippolytus Club” was recently formed. Yours until Will Rogers is Presi- dent. Utica, N. Y. March 1, 1927 [Eprror’s Nore.—We feel it our duty to say that Mr. Houghton never reviewed “The Great Gatsby.” } Jerry Etienne From a Native Son Dear Jupee: An apology. I, a native son of Cali- fornia, apologize for the letter writ- ten by Henry Sherman, of Santa Bar- bara. Don’t think we are all like him. But you must remember that he comes from Santa Barbara! A silly place, always having earthquakes. Also, I can understand why he did not take the drink. I tasted booze in that town once. No, sir, not again! And, say, if you are ever in San Diego, meet me in the San Francisco bar in Tia Juana, and after the fifth “Tom and Jerry” I will repeat this apology. Then we can stagger over to the Red Mill and have a couple of Pisco Punches and discuss this mat- ter more deeply. From there to the Tivoli for a gin fizz, whereupon we can go still further into details. Yes, we have no liquor in Califor- nia, ha, ha, no, not much. I admit we are somewhat behind the times; some of us are still celebrating New Year’s! Sherwood Anderson is right: Pro- hibition—the triumph of vulgarity. Yours sincerely, Edward J. Benchley San Diego, California February 9, 1927 ~ TRAN Wen aueny Wanted: A Guide GenTLeMEN: Coming from a sub- scriber and an admirer of Junce as a humorous paper, I know you will not take exception to a suggestion which is offered in the most constructive spirit. It does seem to me that too many of our critics are trying to be too funny in their criticism or review of shows and pictures. I would like to pick up Junce each week and find out what some expert thinks about a show, so I could be guided in making a selection when it comes to taking my friends. For years I followed the Sun critic, who, I think, was Acton Davies, and now I follow Mr. Metcalf in the Wall Street Journal and 1 seldom go wrong in attending plays that he speaks well of. I think it would be more helpful if the Show Guide in Junce could be a real guide rather than something that tries to be humorous. Reading Jupce criticisms would make you feel that there were no good shows in New York, and yet I have attended a dozen or more that were worthy of real praise. Very truly yours, Alfred Reeves, General Manager New York, February 24, 1927 Truturvut, Harry—I’ve walked forty miles to-day, ma’am! Lapy—S plendid! a record! You really must push on and try to make —Lonpon OPINION EDWARD LANGER PRINTING CO., JAMAICA, N. Y

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Every Radio Problem Answered In ““Everyman’s Guide To Radio” CONTAINS THE WORLD'S KNOWLEDGE OF RADIO Contributed to by the world’s leading radio scientists; without question, the most comprehensive, most interesting and ab- sorbing, and the most com- plete radio book yet pub- lished in any country. It is impossible to give compari- 640 PAGES OF INSTRUCTIVE READING Size 5%"x7%", containing more 675 Illustrations! “Everyman's Guide to Radio” contain 675 beautifully engraved illustrations in O40 pages of text. sons because comparisons do not exist. One must read Marconi on the subject of “beamed transmission”’; the late Charles Steinmetz on “Waves”: Sir Oliver Lodge on “Coils,” or Am- brose Fleming on “Vacu- um Tubes,” before the significance of these writ- ings of the masters of the art can be fullyappreciated. PHOTOGRAPHS AND SPECIFICATIONS This information is invaluable to than 675 finely engraved illustra tions and prepared by some of the greatest physicists and engineers of radio “Everyman’s Guide to Ra dio” stands as the first successful effort to meet the needs of all those who aspire to attainments in the science, whether they are “broad catchers,” skilled service men or students. This vast wealth of in formation represents studied compi lation that has extended over two whole years and includes every phase of radio communication. QUICK ANSWER TO EVERY RADIO PROBLEM Intelligent use of “Everyman's Guide to Radio” gives quick, under standable answers to practically every radio problem. Special em phasis has been laid on the illustra tions contained in the “Guide.” Hundreds of specially prepared drawings and photographs answer most radio problems at a mere glance. No effort or expense has been spared to make the “Guide” of maximum value to radio listeners. It is the fascinating story of radio in pictures. CONDENSED TABLE OF CONTENTS 4 Volumes in 1 Volume 1. The First Principles of Radio The Electricity of Radio The Easy Principles of Diagram Reading How Waves Are Generated Mechanics Tuning Detection and the Secret of Vacuum Tubes Volume 2. Audio Frequency Amplification Radio Frequency Amplification Variable Condensers Coils—How to Use Them Improvement of Broadcast Reception Volume 2. How to Make Radio Improvements Learning the Length of Dots and Dashes Batteries and Battery Chargers Different Types of Radio Receivers Volume 4. Accessories and Radio Wonders of Radio Transmission the radio constructor and set builder It permits him to choose his parts intelligently and with a full knowl edge of the particular use for which they are made Never before has any organization taken upon itself the responsibility of bringing to- gether within one volume the com- plete details of radio apparatus. A BOOK YOU WILL BE PROUD TO OWN It may be said without reserve, that “Everyman's Guide to Radio” is the most artistic and practical book ever published in the radio field. The volume contains 640 pages printed on heavy calendered paper in legible type, making for the comfort and convenience of the reader. The covers are beautifully embossed and bound in Art Fabrikoid, better than leather, flexible, making the book conveniently portable. POPULAR RADIO, 627 West 43rd Street, NEW YORK EXAMINE THE VOLUME WITHOUT OBLIGATION TO BUY Sosureare the publishersof‘‘Everyman's Guide to Radio" that these four volumes- in-one are just what everyone needs to complete his reference library and so sure are they that they are the most practical, complete and beautiful set of radio books yet meyny: : that they are willing to mail them to those interested for examination without obligation to buy. Just fill out the attached coupon and mail. The book will be mailed im- mediately. Upon arrival, you y the postman $4.00 plus stage. xamine the book for 5 days. If, after that time, convinced of the value to you return in g00d condition and your mon- ey will be re- funded, at once and in full, without ques- tion. POPULAR RADIO, Inc., 627 West 43rd Street, New York, N. Y. Gentlemen: Address ee rs es re ee es ee es State... sm Wien tonite oe ela ke ane ~ | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | Send me “Everyman’s Guide to Radio,” in one volume. I agree to pay the post- man $4.00, plus postage. If, after carefully examining the book for a period of five days, I do not like it, I will have the privilege of returning it to you and my money, in full, will be immediately returned.

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