Judge 1924-08-16: Vol 87

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AUGUST 16,1924 — ' 15 CENTS A KOPY THE LITTLE BOY WHO USED TO HIDE BEHIND HIS MOTHER’S SKIRT

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The Girl Why do you preter oil? The Artist JUDGE’S FIFTY-FIFTY CONTEST No. 33 UDGE will award a prize of $25 for the cleverest second line in the above conversation. Study the situation, the characters, and their expressions, and then write the funniest, snappiest line you can think of. In case two or more persons submit the same winning line, $25 will be awarded to each. Any reader of Judge may compete. Any number of lines may be submitted but none will be returned. No. 33 Contest closes August 26, 1924. The winning answer will appear in the September 27, 1924, issue of Judge. Check will be mailed to the Prize Winner on that date. In the meantime, No. 34 will appear next week. Write one line on a POSTCARD, sign your name and mail to Fifty-Fifty Editor of Judge, 627 West 43d Street,-New York City. All answers, to be considered, must be received not later than August 26. Can you originate a clever second line for this joke? . eee

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“I’m Always Chasing Hebrews.” “K-K-K-Katie.” © 1 B623124 NOTICE TO KL ANSMEN —In case of ire, WALK, do not run, to the nearest Jt DGE office This office, with every seat vecu pied, can be emptied in three seconds. UDGE KU KLUX NUMBER SUGGESTED SONGS FOR KLANSMEN “Yes, We Have No Pajamas!” “Trish I was in Dirie.” “Jerusalem.” “Has Anybody Here Seen Kelly?” “It's Three o° Klux in the Morning.” **All Koons Look Alike to Me.” “In the Sheet Bye and Bye Sy It Kluc to Me Like a Big Night _ Sheet Home.” To-night. “Rock-a-By Abie in the Tree Top.” “Put on Your Old White Bonnet.” “Throw Out the Clothesline.” 4 a: a | * \ TE y} | % +) @ e/ The Suspect “Fifteen Men ona Dead Man’s Chest.” en St an cr ne

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— SS) a ie le (a ¢ First Hoopep GentLEMAN—Hear y’ got held up last night, Bill. Who done it? Seconp Hoopep GENTLEMAN—Dunno. Th’ coward wore a mask! Klansman’s Katekism Oh, see the Kike! Kill the Kike! What has the Kike done? He works too hard and puts away too much kale! Kill ’im! Is that all? No, the dirty Krook kuts prices! Kill ’im! Oh, see the Koon! Kill the Koon! What has the Koon done? Nothin’! He won’t work! Kill "im! He won't save his Koin! Kill im! Oh, see the Katholik! Kill the Katholik! What has the Katholik done? He’s too Kliquish! Kill ’im! Show Down Aisle Manager—Say, that woman who went out of here just now kicked to me that you didn’t show her any respect. Clerk—She did, eh? And after me showin’ her everything that we have in stock? Klansman’s Rubyaiyat A wake! The Kleagle calls across 4 the night, Much work have we to do ere morning’s light With tar and feathers and a flaming CcTOSS Before the sun has put the stars to flight. They say a Hebrew and a negro dwell Within this land that everyone knows well The Lord made for the Klan. Oh, Klansmen all Arise and speed them on the way to hell. For some we love, the loveliest and best, Must live their lives by Fortune sore opprest Where Hebrew, Catholic and negro dare To breathe the self-same air with all the rest. But ride with us along some highway strown With fruits of yesternight—an ear, a bone; To-morrow—why to-morrow _ there will be More yet, unless the alien has flown. Here with an Irishman beneath a bough A piece of rope and, lest he raise a row, Four thousand more of us to swing him up— America were paradise enow. H. Kay Lynn **How about La Follette?”’ “Naw! What we want is a safe conservative!”

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Useless Information It would take 6,789 gophers 765,890 years, six months and two days to tear down Pike’s Peak. People who have been there know that Piccadilly Circus is neither something to eat nor a_ street carnival. The earliest American Indians did not wear wrist watches. Certain kinds of fish are said to have been able to swim under water long before submarines were perfected. Every day the sun doesn’t shine on the island of Balkoola, the weather is either cloudy, partly cloudy or rainy. Should all the bees in the world fly to Washington, D. C., there would be parking space on the Washington monument for thirteen squeetillion bees and seventeen flies. Rifles and cannon were not generally used until gunpowder was invented. Tin was invented and in use many years before a certain low priced automobile became popular. There are in existence no pictures showing Julius Caesar changing a tire. The War -of Roses was not fought on New Year’s Day in Pasadena. : Cuet JOHNSON ABRAHAM & LEFKOVITZ Inc. MAKERS OF KU KLUX KLAN UNIFORMS. Business Is Business! Oh, Shah! Mary, Dania, Gladys, Hilda, Celia, Helen, Dot, Gresilda. All such dears they quite bewilde: Me. Wish I lived in lands afar, Say the Kingdom of the Shah, Teheran or Zanzibar— See? Used cars are all right as far a they go. Judge mill pay 85 for cach one printed Then no longer would bewilder Mary, Dania, Gladys, Hilda, Celia, Helen, ‘Silda, Dot I'd simply marry all the lot. H. Kay Lynn Growing Pains A doctor reports that the modern flapper shoots up with surprising rapidity. In the evenings, espe- cially, we have noticed girls who seem to be growing right out of their clothes. Natural Question Katy—-I am going to the moun- tains for my summer attack of hay fever. Didd—Can't you catch it around here just as well? te ue é i FAMILY GROUP A teal Reading from left to right—or from right to left—Father, Mother and the girls. married, sae and his money are soon ) ; ' 1 oh ) ;

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THE KLAN IN FULL SWING—A PROSPECTUS Although we are at present obliged to perform the mean duties of Prohibition informers— to relieve Henry Ford of the task of smelling the breath of his employees as they come to work in the morning by Ralph Barton we hope soon to be in a position to supervise Agents’ matrimonial selection among good Amert- cans— rill iets "i i; iat ay 4) NN and to hang every foreigner in New York City. Join the gang and raise hell safely!

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fein f ; : ; Page Gabriel! “Cullud boy, we’s got a bugler in our company whut is a_ bugler! When dat win’jammer blows pay day hit soun’ lak de simple funny orkesstry done broke loose on Ill Truvy Tore!” “Is dat so? Nigger, v’all ain’ got no bugler ‘tall. When dat li'l’ boy blue of Company K steps out an’ wrops ‘is lip roun’ dat h’on an’ sounds mess call, de soldier boy looks down at his beans an’ say: ‘Strawberries, berhave yo’self you done kicked all de whupped cream outen de plate! ” Wa. E. BrouGHEerR Her Plea “Why don’t you kiss me?”— soft she pled, And he replied—To-wit: “T was in doubt—” and then she said: “Give me the benefit.” Good Reason Clara—What is your objection to kissing a man with a beard? Bella—Simply because I'm dead against entangling alliances. wash” ~~ me 7 i! ! mfp! (mt BrickLaYyer—TIlang it! That's the third helper I've had this weel: who has quit without notice. A Lerrer TO GRANDMA Dear GRANDMA: Truly I sympathize with you and I am sending some flowers to brighten your cell, also some cigar- ettes and novels. After all, you know the judge gave you four warnings and, really, the news- papers are razzing the courts for not giving stiffer sentences to speeders. { month isn’t so much, old girl, and you may have anything you want, almost. No, I am about tempted to say you were a bit lucky. There were traces of breaking an amendment in your car and Brassy Holmes told me Mrs. Foots-Fum sassed the motor cop when he refused a cocktail. I will call on visitors’ day and slip you a bobbed hair of the dog, ete. My chum Dubois had luck enough to shoot his bootlegger, craps of course, and won three cases that will never go to court. Your loving, lonesome grandson, JARWIN Patel You'll find no fool like an old fool—ask any young fool. ee ee

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HEeEa\ ENITE (bored by eternity) —Come on, Jone s let's get lo hell ‘ out o” here! Early Mail In days of old When knights were bold, And sheet-iron trousers wore, They lived in peace For then a crease Would last five vears or more. In those old days They had a craze For steel shirts, and they wore them: And there was bliss Enough in this The laundry never tore them. The Poor Fish Pansy—Do pearls come from oysters? The Modern Raleigh Scene: A strect in London. Time: After a rainstorm. Enter: Queen Elizabeth from the left. Raleigh from the right. Raleigh—Hey, lady! Watch your step! There’s a mud puddle in front of vou. Look out, lady! Elizabeth—Sir, throw your coat over the puddle! I desire to pass. Raleigh—Whazzat you say, lady? I don’t make you. Elizabeth—I ordered you to throw vour coat over the puddle. I will walk across on it. Raleigh—What? T’row my coat over the puddle? Ha, ha! That's a hot one, that is—! I should t'row my good Burberry in a puddle for her to walk on! Try some other bird, ladv! I ain't week- ending from the nut factory. Elizabeth—Sir, do as I command you! Iam the Queen of England! Raleigh—That ain’t my fault, old girl. I didn’t vote for you. Guess you'll have to swim this time! Elizabeth—Y ou refuse, then? Raleigh—Refuse? I should hope to tell you I refuse! I don’t do nothing else but! Elizabeth—Sir— Raleigh—Sorry, lady, but I must be popping. Toodloo, old thing! See you in the laundry! Epwin Rutt V iolet-—Sometimes. Mine “Sister Bones, who was that gen’leman I seed y’ talicin’ to las’ night?” came from a lobster. “Gwan! Dat wan't no gen’leman! Dat was a nordic!”

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ee —Cowaret) OA A + \w \ ~ 0) fi = Fes, - Mur ERS:

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The Choice WHE was crazy about Harry be- cause he danced divinely, sang like an angel, and played tennis like a young god. She was just wild about George, who had curly eyelashes and pots of money in the bank. She loved to motor in Reggie’s two-seater, and gloried in his pretty speeches. She listened to Archie’s poetry with fast-beating heart and cheek pink flushed. She confessed herself hypnotized by Henri—he was so attractive. She was fascinated by Hugh—his ties and socks always matched so superbly. And Bob, dear old thing, had said she had small feet! But she married Jack, who had none of these qualities, because she thought her dearest friend wanted him. Paradoxic Mrs. Chalmers—You don’t seem to enjoy going out with Mr. Haver- ford! Isn’t he a careful driver? Alice Chalmers—Oh, yes, he’s a good enough driver; but he’s for- ever running down my other friends! Otp Lapy—Please hurry, my dear, I’m putting in a nickel and here’s one for yourself. ** Abie’s Irish Rose’”’ Nursery Rhymes for Little Klansmen je and Jill went up the hill To light a fiery Kross Jack fell down and _ broke his kleagle Which Jill thought was most il- legal. Old Kleagle Kole was a vicious old soul A vicious old soul was he. He kalled for his sheet, his rope and his brand, And concealed his identity. Harry joined a little Klan Its sheets were white as snow. And everywhere that Harry went The sheet was sure to go! Little Boy Blue, kome blow your horn The gang’s in the pasture, the Koon’s in the Korn; Where’s the little boy who lost his sheet? Under the haystack fast asleep! Rub a dub deet, three men in a sheet, Wonder who they kan be? The Butcher, the Baker, the Kandlestick maker, One hundred per centers. By gee! ee

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A a a “Wonder why she married him—he’s so appall-. 17 ingly thin.” a J 4) “He looked to her like the last straw, I suppose.’ % 4 Z a -

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“Well, it certainly makes a humdrum domestic row more picturesque and interesting if you belong to the Klan and your wife to the Klamelia.” An Act of Mercy! | apMit I may have been brutal, but there were more or less extenuating circumstances. When you take into consideration the fact that I hadn’t closed an eye for three nights, that my nerves were completely shat- tered, you will readily under- stand how my anger toward him turned to blind, unreasoning hatred and—I finally committed the crime! I was crafty, though! Waiting until the wee hours of the morning when, ex- hausted, he dozed in his chair, I stealthily crept upon him. He never had a chance! Deliberately, though cau- tiously, I lifted the instru- ment from the table beside him. . . . In two seconds the act was done! As I made my escape through the back window, my mind was free as the air. And why shouldn't it he? I had twisted off the mouth- piece of his saxophone and taken every reed he owned! Epwarp H. Drescunack Of course Americans trust in God, You can tell that by the way they drive | | a i - : o* \ ae | \ | | | faa “4% He (off for the vacation Have Sue—Yes—if you have the baby. Heard at the Cigar Stand * ‘Lo: Harry, ol’ podnah! Smoke?” “Thanks, Bill. Don’t caref ado. As Cliff Brown sez, ‘woman zonly a woman, but a good cigarza smoke.” ~ “Ha, ha! Cliff say that? He’s always pullin’ that kinda stuff.” “Yeh, Cliff's a rich card. Jevver hear wotty said wenny calld iz wife upta teller “bout th’ Boosters Club picnic?” “No.” “Yeh, ’e callzer upta teller th’ Boosters givin’ a picnicen she asts wotties gona take. An’quick eza flash, Cliff tellzer, ‘ a crusta breada jugga winen thou.’ ” **Ha, ha, ha! eh?” “Bible! Say, maybe allies stuff ain’t urig’nal then!” “IT guess not. Ifies crabbin’ wise cracks outa th’ Bible, chances arie crabzem outa other books too.” Quoten th’ Bible, “Heck. I thoughties stuff wuz urig’nal.”’ “So di. That's one on us. Ha, ha! Well, slong, podnah.” “Slong, ol’ timer. Be good.” R. B. Wats NOW? we everything,

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de x. = ~— ~ ~ ~= ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ » ~ ~ ~ Anne “Who dat?” Al's dat Celia

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TOXINS ES VAN Ra: AN A Ku Klux Kar jor Klansmen What’s Education? HE basis, the bulwark, the epit- ome of modern civilization is education. Yet, when you get down to actual cases and look back at the school stuff from a perspective of twenty years or so, what does it amount to but this: LIatin—All Gaul is divided imto three parts: amo, amas, amat. Greek—On that day Xenophon marched twenty-eight parasangs; o sophos anthrophos. Algebra—What does X equal? Geometry—The square of the hypot- enuse of a rt. A is equal to the sum of the difference of the opposite sides or something like that. Arithmetic—A jeweler sold a watch for $20, making twenty-five per cent. profit. What did the watch cost him? Answer on page 234. History—“Give me Liberty or Give Me Death!” Patrick Henry. Sir Walter Raleigh brought the first tobacco into England. English—Scott was born in 1632 or was it 1734? German—Ich weiss nicht was soll es bedeuten; Oh, Tannenbaum, Oh, Tannenbaum, wie treu sind deiner blatter. French—Je t adore. (Shut the door). Geography—Tropic of Cancer, Capricorn, et al. The capital of Florida is Tallahassee. Physiology—Tobacco weakens the heart. Capillary veins, aorta, float- ing ribs. Music—Nothing. Drawing— Ditto. Manual Training—Ditto. Torrey Forp Irate Parent— Don’t you want to leave footprints on the sands of time? Son—Frankly, sir, I'd rather leave Rolls-Royce ruts! Ss 4 =— Ss bial RL a t_ 3 7 “i ee EEE NG THE KU KLUX HEN “Gosh, a couple of bad eggs” A Tense Moment “T tell you,” he roared, “no woman with a past is going to ruin John’s future while I am present!” Then perfect silence. The Hand Is Quicker Than the Eye Parson—Brother, what am you fingering dat money in de collection plate fo’? Deacon—Ah lookin’ fo’ de quarter Ah put in fo’ a decoy, but Ah guess somebody done swiped it! Proving His Case Judge—You say that you’re an authority on birth control? Rastus—’Deed Ah is, yo’ honor. You see, Ah’s a porter on a sleeping car. A Resolution ENTERED the Five and Ten one bright sunny day and there was the one girl behind the counter! I purchased several knickknacks that I did not want and received a smile with the package. Next day I called again. In a month we were married. Well, that was a couple of years ago and I’ve found out that she wasn’t the one girl after all. We have had more scraps that can be recorded. We don’t get on a bit. We've agreed on a divorce. Next time I’m going to pass the Five and Ten. I’m going to get one et a Dollar Sale! Wituram SANFoRD A2 | |

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ET TEES aes ee The Golf Menace T= thing has gone far enough. I am a mild man and not easily roused, but I can be pushed so far. I don’t play golf, don’t want to play golf and am sick of hearing about the blasted game. As a free-born American citi- zen, white and partially Nordic, I rise to protest against the in- sidious influence which has wig- gled its way into the life of inno- cent members of this community. Everywhere I turn I am assailed by the idiotic propaganda of the links. On my way downtown to work on the subway I stumble over golf bags and feel upon my neck the cold caress of a niblick clutched by some zany in the next seat. Every page of my newspaper bears the advertisement of some clothier announcing “four piece golf suits for tee and town, with the baggy, shaggy knicker favored by the Prince himself,”’ and embel- lished by the portrait of a boob at- tired like a clown on a holiday. The sporting section is overrun with stories bristling with strange and maddening phrases—“‘sliced into the rough,” “topped his mashie,” “250 yards in the clear,” “foozled his approach,” “holed out for a birdie.” “‘What’s that little chap so chesty about?” “He’s the only man in the State who can watch a high jump without lifting his right leg.” At the office, my boss comes in, seats himself on a corner of the desk, and, with a fatuous smile, proceeds to relate, hole by hole, the history of his game last Sunday. The sales manager joins him. They seize my umbrella and my walking stick and, planting themselves in contorfed attitudes, go through a series of “Three sheets in the wind” ridiculous motions, sweating and panting in their enthusiasm. I can’t order them out. Jobs are scarce. At our Wednesday afternoon con- ference, all the executives, instead of talking business, swap golf stories and compare score cards. They patronize me in a manner which makes my red corpuscles sizzle. In their opinion, I am a simp. Any man who doesn’t play golf is a simp. There must be something wrong with his character. Perhaps a hid- den prison record prevents him from being put up at a country club. It’s getting so that I haven’t any- one around the place who will listen tome when I tell them about my truck garden, which I wouldn’t trade for the best eighteen hole course that ever desecrated a landscape. My own wife is beginning to desert me. She knows [d “look perfect in knickers.” She thinks life at the country club is “too smart for any- thing.” The “best people” belong. The next guy who opens his mouth to say the word “golf” in my presence is going to wake up some place where everything’s white, clean, and very quiet. Siras SPITzER

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_- , "e Dye tote a ie, Sela rete pa wate aise ISS OES. hman and a Jew 1S Mey gay cleo, : ME 14 Tt oan ; = PTOOUE Fhe eae “Tt seems there was a negro and an Ir tees a>

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“ene tipepeeseee Oe Motto for the Klan Issue: Let the Kleagle Scream! The Test “Officer, ask Harry Thaw to step forward. Don’t be afraid, Mr. Thaw —you’re not on trial this time. I merely want to ask you how it feels to be able to vote again for a candi- date for President.” “Well, Jupce, if you remember Rip Van Winkle, you know about how I feel. It’s exactly twenty years ago that I had my last vote in a Presidential campaign. Who's running, Roosevelt?” “No, Teddy’s dead. But there’s a fellow in the race who calls himself a Progressive.” “Progressive? What’s a Progressive? You must mean a Populist.” “Holy Smoke! That’s right, you were put away long before 1912, weren’t you? Did you ever hear of Wilson?” “You mean the whisky? Sure! They say it’s hard to get now. What's the trouble? Has it gone out of business?” “Has it gone out of bus. . . Why, look here, Harry; don’t you even know that we’ve got national prohibition?” “No! Well, I'll be jiggered! Who's looney now? But tell me, JupDGE, who’s this Populist or Progressive or what- ever-you-call-him?” “His name’s La Follette. Believes in the public owner- ship of railroads, full publicity of tax returns, popular elec- tion of United States judges and La Follette for President. Going to vote for him?” “Not for ten thousand rabbits! Do you think I want to be declared insane again?” All A-Billboard! ? After what has appeared from time $ to time on this page and elsewhere in the magazine on the subject of the Ku Klux Klan, the constant reader (and possibly the other two also) may have got the impression that JupcEe doesn’t exactly fancy the hooded order. This isn’t strictly true. The Klan, if its hatreds were directed against the proper objects, might prove an extremely valuable social agency. For instance, if it would only concentrate its venom against the billboards strung along country roads, what Editor, Norman Anthony. Associate Editors, William Morris Houghton, William , Edgar Fisher patriotic motorist, anxious to get acquainted with his coun- try, wouldn’t applaud the move? Can Klansmen have thought what marvelous targets those billboards would make for a machine-gun; or how much improved they'd be with a coat of tar; or what bonfires they would kindle at night, piled high against a background of green hills? Come on, Klansmen, up and at ’em! If you destroy enough billboards, perhaps the billboard people will put you out of business. And that will be a double gain. Mice at Play Wonder what an_ isolationist thinks about these days. “The whole 4@-) summer so far has been just one damn European entanglement after another—the Olympic games, the world flight, the conven- tion of advertising men, the meeting of lawyers, the adven- tures of Doug and Mary, and finally, and especially, the London Conference, attended by Secretaries Hughes and Mellon ex-officio, and by Messrs. Morgan and Lamont. Yet not a peep of protest or other comment from the Battalion of Death. Not since Woodrow Wilson returned from Paris with the Treaty of Versailles in his pocket has this country been so deeply invelved in European affairs. And it all seems to have come about since Hi Johnson collapsed like a spent tire and left us, flat. Hot Stuff , \» The American will-to-win was oe. Y never better exemplified than in the ‘o> steady, methodical triumph of our —_ world fliers. We always make a busi- ness of winning, say our foreign critics. We are not real sportsmen. Sour grapes! The will-to-win is simply an imagination powerful enough to concentrate on its dream, so that over a sufficient period of time everything is shaped toward fulfillment. The loser foresees the goal; the winner fore- sees both the goal and the obstacles, and prepares for the latter individually. Whatever may be said of our Olympic teams, our world flyers have had no advantage over their competitors in money spent on their equipment and training. As com- pared with the French and British, Uncle Sam has been unusually niggardly in support both of military and civilian aviation. Yet despite this handicap it is our pilots who carry off the prize of being the first to encircle the globe. Not so bad, eh? W. M. H. Me ne nyt acm

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Lester Allen in “George White's Scandals” , Ch “The Romans opened Forums and spread culture.” : “Yeah, and the Greeks opened restaurants and spread _ indiges- - tion.” cal NE ees ot —r— — Edna Leedom and Lupino Lane in the Follies ' “That tune keeps run- ing through my head.” “Sure, there’s nothing t there to stop it!” I Will Rogersatd f \\ Mae Daw ia\he ‘ : 3 aie \ Follies ee wy S 1 : Roatel Ro a) AX - oats LD, : | {yo0e BOSOr. \ | "\ Eddie Cantor in “Kid Boots.” Ss I need “What would you do if you got a letter ( ms from the K. K. K.?” arith “Read it on the train!”

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, Charles McNaughton and Harry ane Pauley in “Plain Jane” oe oye SRY 3 *, eh ; ee % —_ ; Oe ‘ | “What’s the idea of the har- pe oR RBS J 5 Shoe + 999 ag it * eS monica: eee eo ee | “If you lose your eyesight you 27 ey rik aR: can start right in business!” pony Pg + nr geraghd rw in| lies i hid, A lsh TL A Ted and Betty Healy—Keith’s h Vaudeville. ; | Tue Girt—Stand on that dime a second. more men plowing the fields with Now you represent Woolworth’s store. |) plows, and less with niblicks and Why w oolworth’s? M ) mashies!” “Nothing over ten cents! 1 | q “What do you think this country needs most?” “What this country needs most is

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—-------- THE HOKUM OF JUDGE’S CRITIC by George Jean Nathan T SEEMS to me that this person Nathan who writes the theatrical reviews for JuDGE is, to put it politely, something of a hypocrite and a faker. A close follower of his critical writings, I come to the con- clusion that he throws altogether too many stones for a fellow who lives in a glass house. For example, one of the things that he always derides, and with a rich amount of gusto, is the hokum in Broadway farces, comedies and musical shows, yet when it comes to such hokum, the fellow himself is just as guilty as the folks he makes mock of. Take, for instance, his frequent allusions to the hinter anatomy by way of getting a laugh. In the three years that he has been writing for JupGr, he has, by actual count, mentioned the human hinter anatomy 36,492 times, and this does not take into consid- eration 22,378 references to the hinter anatomy of cows, dogs, horses, mules, and free verse poets. His \ synonyms for the subject under dis- cussion number, up to and including the last issue of JupGe, 17,581, and he employs them for laughs on every possible occasion. One of the easiest ways in the world to get a laugh is to give a character a funny name. It is so easy a trick, indeed, that even the burlesque show impresarios have got tired of using it and have posted a schedule of fines for any comedian who tries to earn his salary by re- sorting to it. Yet Nathan swindles the editor of JupGEe with it con- stantly. If he doesn’t rely for humor on some such name as Emil or Oswald, it is a safe bet that you will find him using something like Gustav or Hugo. Another of his hokum tricks is to use an Italian Christian name with an Irish surname or a Swedish baptismal name with a German family name. We thus find in his writings any number of such (Continued on page 25) Actzon Up! Actzon, the huntsman, hearing peals of silvery laughter, parted the bushes and beheld Diana and her attendant nymphs sporting unclothed in the pool. “Well, well!” he exclaimed delight- edly. “The De Mille company out on location!” FISH Whenever you think that you are very busy, just think of a giraffe up to his neck in work. HAH Young men posing for collar ad- vertisements receive $100 per week for merely remaining rigid before the camera. A larger salary would probably turn their heads. A Little Discord. Mrs. Tiff—i know where I can buy a lovely gown for a song. Mr. Tiff—If you expect me to fur- nish the notes, you'll have to change your tune! Proup Motner—We've named them all alphabetically—Alice, Basil, Charles, and now these two, Dorothy and Edward. But it occurs to me, what will you do if Z’s twins? Frienp—S plendid idea.

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THE KLAN INFLUENCE ON WOMEN’S FASHIONS (God forbid)

The latest conceit in lingerie. The so-called ‘‘invisible at- tire.” The hood is trimmed with the same lace as the what-you-may-call-ems The last word on the Avenue—with a matching hood for the Peke 74 1 < fh aa The Klan influence on the Follies, the hoods are worn on the knees

By Joun He tp, Jr.

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*“Manhandled” [J smovstzrr the most compelling personality on the screen to-day is that which busts through the dash- ing haberdashery of Gloria Swanson. It doesn’t make much difference what Miss Gloria appears in—I am speaking of her photoplay now, not her haberdashery—the sidewalks of the Rivoli or Rialto or both are sunk to the gunwales, and the police re- serves are called to suppress the riot that follows. Some day Miss Swanson is going to be poured into a story that will fit her perfectly and then she’s going to stay in a theater as big as the Capitol for a year or two. “Manhandled” isn’t that kind of picture but you can’t afford to miss Gloria in anything she does. At least that’s the way I fee] about her and judging by the crowds that flock to see her I feel that my judgment is backed by great gobs of multitudes. “Single Wives” GPEAkine of personalities I am minded to say a word of Corinne Griffith. This young lady is endowed with something like a couple of hundred per cent. of facial beauty. She, too, because of this personal attractiveness, has a public drawing account that makes the United States Federal Reserve look like a baby’s savings bank. She too, like Gloria, is provided with a photoplay, “Single Wives,” that looks shabby in her presence. But you'll go to see Miss Griffith in anything she does. Some day, she too, will be provided with a play that perfectly fits her and there’ll be another bouse as big as the Capitol and the Swanson turning em away for a year or two. “The Man Who Fights Alone” [acre. if you will, a man who receives a paralytic stroke early in a picture and who motors about his house and grounds in a Rolls Royce wheel chair grinding his ninety-nine per cent. of the films film- ed. They believe that no matter how many film feet of suffering must be undergone by the hero and heroine, the public will be pleased if they walk out on a sugar-coated last fifty feet of film. To me it seems stupid. In this case in point I’d swap all the happy endings which I am des- tined to sit in on for a reversal of the present system of things cinematic. Give me a picture sur- charged with comedy and an un- happy ending and [’ll trade in all “The Men Who Fight Alone.” Another reason why I didn’t like this picture is that I’m fed up on pictures with the man who regains the power of his legs in his attempt to save his wife or daughter from falling over a cliff or being burned to death. “Behold This Woman” ow and then you run across a man who hates women. I’ve never seen one but to quote: “I’d rather see than be one.” I don’t follow the Beery theory of grab- bing off every woman who comes within grabbing dis- tance, but there’s a middle distance between lust and hate where a man may play the courteous and all that sort of Tom, Dick and Harry Carey. In this picture, Anders Randolph and his brother, Charles Post, break out into a rash at the mention of the perfumed sex and being a year or two older than Charles, Anders insists on his following the same line of action. Anders and Charles—let’s call him Charley for short— live away up in the mountains. They are just rough, rugged mountain lads and they probably would have been free of skirts if Irene Rich’s auto hadn’t broken down in their neighborhood and Charley hadn’t been lurking around. Charley, you may remember him as the giant in “Wild Oranges,” is a big impulsive thing and Irene just throws him for a couple of mountain peaks. She, by the bye, is a movie queen and is being fostered, a polite way of saying gears and his teeth because his young and beautiful wife spends most of her time with a former flame. Add to this the facts that the man is William Farnum: and the name of the picture is “The Man Who Fights Alone” and agree with me that the title should have been ““The Man Who Died Alone.” The picture makers go serenely on in their mad effort to bring about happy endings to something harsher — by Harry Meyers. Charley trims his beard and slips the brotherly leash for Hollywood and before you can say “Vitagraph” he and Irene are headed for the bridal path. Harry, not to lose Irene, draws Rosemary Theby into the breech to win Charley but Charley is a one- woman man and never falters for a second. Yes, Charley marries Irene. ne

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eng, ME Di etic, A ee Civilization? —Cornell Widow Toricelli, the man who first made a vacuum, was the only inventor who produced absolutely nothing and got credit for it. —Stevens Tech. Stone Jug Naturally! She—Where is the Pope’s summer home? He—By the Papal See. —Cornell Widow tt Student (to clerk in drug- Charles—Which do you think is the best acrobat, Houdini, or Donald Ogden Stuart’s hero, who mounted his horse and galloped off in all directions? Reade—Neither. What about Robinson Crusoe?’ It says here, “after he had finished his meal he lit up his pipe and sat.down on his chest.” —Virginia Reel Has “You can’t hang a man with a wooden leg, didja know it?” “That so? How come?” “Have to use a rope.” —Wesleyan Wasp store)—You needn’t look at that check so hard; it’ll be back in a few days and then you can look at it as long as you want to. —Minn. Ski-u-mah PAs “Hello, old top, new car?” “No, old car, new top.” —Wash. Cougar’s Paw “What’s the matter? Ain’t the razor taking holt?” “Yeh, it’s taking holt all right but it isn’t letting go again.” —Toronto Goblin CHEER LEADERS Ae aL IN Still Life. —Yale Record Father—Young man, I understand you have made advances to my daughter. Young Man—Yes, sir. I wasn’t going to say anything about it, but now since you’ve mentioned it, I wish you could get her to pay me back. —Minn. Ski-u-mah PAH Arnold—Why do they put handles on both sides of a bouillon cup? Bennett—Sap! Don’t you suppose they have to provide for the left-handed guests too? —Virginia Reel HAH The Call to Arms. —De Pauw Yellow Crab Out where the buttons seem A little tighter; Out where the buckle shines A little brighter; Out where the girth becomes A little longer; Out where the straining seems A little stronger— That’s where the Vest begins! —Arizona Who Doo Fast Time! Geology Prof—Forty thousand years ago, geologically speaking, was but yesterday. Small Voice from Rear—Just a minute, professor, I want to cut my wisdom teeth and grow a beard. —Williams Purple Cow Small Boy—Say, Pop, what is an echo? Pop (looking at Mrs. Pop)—An echo, my son, is the only thing that keeps a woman from having the last word. —Virginia Reel Nadiad “T would face death for you.” “Why didn’t you face that bulldog then?” “He wasn’t dead.” —Wesleyan Wasp His Master’s Breath. —Michigan Gargoyle 21

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ASK DAD— HE KNOWS What They Laughed at In the Good Old Days en On oir) PT \\ a I ' SAN MMMM ML aun = } tT wi tr we “ee wo) —s ° “4, ltl Ln WI Hit ih Young in Judge, 1901. AT THE ART GALLERY te One L2H. Orson Lowell in Judge, 1894. CausE AND EFFECT Miss WantonE—So you call your dog Rush. Isn’t that a singular name for him? “TI swan! Didn’t s’pose Moses was Youne Pokrrun—Well, you see, Miss Wantone, I had to such a big feller.” call him that because he is such a grovwler. Hy Mayer in Judge, 1894. Voice (from behind)—Would the ladies kindly change seats? —Thank you! sue ee inieninees erie ste.

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Na hla ana oa lad ible Te te = — “ASQUITH AND YE SHALL RECEIVE” by Walter Prichard Eaton NOTHER Asquith has broken A out into print! Being mar- ried to, or descended from, a British Prime Minister appears to predestine one to authorship. First Mother Margot tosses a_ scandal bomb in two volumes into the inner circle of Britain’s ruling caste, then her daughter, the Princess Bibesco, who adorns the society of our own national capitol, in a series of short stories illumines the dark places of Sex, then another Asquith tells us how to bring up children, and now, in “‘Wind’s End” (Charles Scribner’s Sons), Herbert Asquith, a son of the Liberal leader, presents a waiting world with a mystery story. To tell the truth, we are rather fed up on Asquiths, but we are always hungry for a good mystery story, so we waited till the family (our family, that is) were all abed, filled five pipes, lit one of them and laid the other four on the arm of the couch, slumped down till we were perfectly comfort- able, and plunged in. The story began well, in the tap room of a pub- lic house in rural England. We like stories that begin in public house tap rooms in rural England. We immediately get all the characters mixed up, because they all look and sound alike, and we have a mystery to start with. Presently a_ nice young fellow, on a dare, goes out to sleep in a haunted field, called Wind’s End. In the morning he is dead. There are no marks on his body, and no clew except footprints which came within fifty paces of him, but no nearer. By the time his body was found, we had to get up from our comfortable chair after all, in spite of our elaborate precautions. No, we had not forgotten the matches. We had to get up to shut the door. We were cold. We had goose flesh. Great! If a mystery story does not give you goose flesh by page fifty, it is a failure. We returned, and read on. By the time we had been introduced into the strange, lonely house of Shane, two miles from the haunted field, and met its strange, grim owner, we had to get up again, and put on a coat. Better and better! But then something began to go wrong. The story began to jump us about. First we were looking over the shoulder of one character, and then over the shoulder of an- other, and sometimes over no- body’s at all. We might just as (Continued on page 26) For protection against road hogs That Little Hand Last night I held a little hand, So dainty and so neat; I thought my heart would surely break, So wildly did it beat. I gazed at it with loving looks, I fondled it with joy— No other hand unto my soul Can greater solace bring, Than that one which I held last night— Four aces and a king! AAS Bobby—Better not let mother catch you reading that book. Betty—And why not? “She bought it ’specially to brag about.” And It Was One rat to another—Sure, go ahead and swipe the cheese out of that trap, it will be a snap. AHH Woman’s inhuwomanity to woman is even worse, News Note: ‘*A taxi covers ninety milesaday.” It doesn’t say how many pedestrians. Judge will pay $5 for cach one primed ene ae eee eee et «elie ethtasaiiiates —————————

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tee iene at Eskitology A LITTLE igloo now and then. Is relished by the Eskimen. A little whale oil, well frappéd. Is relished by the Eskimaid. ‘A little gum drop, this is truth, Is relished by the Eskitooth. A little blubber, raw or b’iled, Is relished by the Eskichild. A little pemmican to chaw Is relished by the Eskimaw. *Tis said two gum drops and a knife Will buy a man an Eskiwife. Mr. Kook-Luzr When Henry Was a Boy Intimate Stories of the Early Lives of Great Men ENRY Forp has always been a most The man who says that pluck is the secret of success must have been a banjo democratic? player. We could keep this up all fall, But fear ’twould make the Eskibawl. Who says the modern flapper isn’t She certainly is well ac- quainted with the milkman! assiduous student. From his earli- est years he has shown an extraordinary interest in all scholarly and cultural sub- jects, particularly history. One day, when Henry was twelve years old, a classmate complained of the time he had to spend in studying the ways of the ancients. “It’s the bunk,” the young- ster sneered. “No, Robert, you are wrong,” the future motor king replied. “It is cnly by the study of those before us that we can hope to shape our own careers to useful ends.” And to this day, Henry Ford never makes a decision without first consulting his extensive library of histories. One morning Henry overslept and his father chided him severely for his lack of ambition. “My son,” said the elder Ford, “You can never hope to become a successful man like I am unless you abandon your laziness and resolve to become a model of industry.” “Oh, go peddle your papers, pa,” was Henry’s disrespectful rejoinder. “I’ve got all the money I want now, so why should I work?” This attitude undoubtedly explains the steady fall of the Ford fortunes. Another illuminating incident of Henry’s boyhood is interesting for obvi- ous reasons. One day Henry was walk- ing down the street of his home town when a stranger stopped him. “Isn’t your name Isadore Epstein?” the man asked. “No, sir,” replied Henry, “but I wish it were!” J. C. E. SANVARY-1925 —— |; CosmoniTan : E| Coswoutracs | === = — — == vw 2 pewesegetngges = gy peruse | | Coswouran (2 2) 1S) & xX © a a > i= je (= =) =} |e! AUGUST-1925 1 ——— _s -- ee = ) | "1 TOON LT CosmMouran | SEPTE MBER-1925 Vistror—But how do you tell one from another? Art Eprror -A cinch—we just look at the dates on ’em. emp long men spea the bing winc Apo: Pegs such appe week blue and Thee of sc sour his f or d of h acto’ Apo! from he n snov writ role cast in " few flash rel c such East

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a aller The Hokum of Judge’s Critic (Continued from page 18) supposedly humorous dodges as Giacomo Flaherty and Sven Kraus. The latter surname, indeed, is one of his favorites. This George Jean also resorts to hokum with his endless Drs., Profs., Rev. Drs., Monsieurs and the like. If it isn’t the Rev. Dr. Ziegfeld it is Prof. Woods, and if it isn’t Dr. Shipman it is the M. Belasco or the Mons. Shubert. One of the fellow’s most frequently employed comic devices, as his readers long ago perceived, is a grotesque align- ment of persons and things. Thus, he speaks of “old-fashioned plumbing and the House of Representatives,” “throb- bing organs, beautiful stained glass windows and the whiskers of the twelve Apostles,” and “oysters, Benedictine and Peggy Joyce.” His criticism is full of such stuff. The adjective sour similarly appears in his articles at least once every week—even oftener than the adjective blue appears in the work of George Moore and the adjective trig in the novels of Theodore Dreiser. He is forever talking of sour acting, sour melodrama, sour art, sour whatnot. Then, too, we all know his fondness for absurd and violent simile or description. In this lies a great deal of his ironic hokum. He says that this actor is as passionate as a bottle of Apollinaris and that that one suffered from such a severe and gusty cold that he might better have been cast for the snowstorm in ““Way Down East.” He writes that “casting Mr. So-and-So for the réle of the intense young lover is like casting Sam Bernard for the leading réle in ‘A Prisoner of Zenda’” and that the few good qualities in a certain bad play flash out “like so many goldfish in a bar- rel of dill pickles.” His similes run from such things as “as fresh as a last year’s Easter egg” to “pragmatic, like manure.” I take it that no reader of Nathan is any longer blind to his attempted sure- fire tricks of inverse repetition and ridicu- lous contrast. Thus, he plays for our laughter with things like ““The reason that the galleries of the theaters are no longer filled with newsboys, as the theatrical managers lament, is that all the newsboys are now theatrical managers,” and “The circus will soon go into winter quarters. It cannot compete with the Drama League.” Or he writes such schnitz’ls (that word is also found in his hokum arsenal) as “The producers of our $5 music shows are rapidly gobbling up all the vaudeville actors. This will im- measurably help vaudeville”; “The one big ambition of nine out of every ten American playwrights is, in the argot of the theater, to get over the footlights. The one big ambition of nine out of every ten American audiences is exactly the same”; and “He who can, does; he who can’t, criticizes. As, for respective ex- ample, Sidney Rosenfeld and William Hazlitt.” Our friend also regularly relies on so- ~~ ees LCM ET CREE Pe ys “What a whale of a difference just a few cents make!” ~~ == all the difference between just an ordinary cigarette and—FATIMA, the most skillful blend in cigarette history. we called definitions to dredge up the reader’s laughs. He thus defines chorus man, for example, as “one whose father and mother had prayed for a boy”; construc- tive critic as “one who builds up his news- paper’s theatrical advertising revenue”’; and first-nighter—from Fiirst (German for prince) and the English nitre (KNO;: a chemical used in the manufacture of gunpowder), hence, a prince of gun- powder, or, in simpler terms, some one who makes a lot of noise.” Continuing, we find him pursuing the same trick and defining manager, for example, as “being from the Anglo-Saxon word ‘manger,’ the a having been deleted in order that the word might be shortened and so used more handily for purposes of swearing. ‘Manager’ thus comes from ‘manger,’ something which provides fodder for the jackasses in the stalls.” Nathan, I need hardly say, is especially fond of the humorous possibilities that lie in the “difference between” this and that. He is forever trying to amuse his readers with such observations as “The only difference between actors and dramatic critics is that the former do their acting on a platform”; “The difference between London and New York theater audiences may be summed up in a single short sentence. In London they do not put a chain on the dime-in-the-slot opera glasses”; and “The difference between two classes of Broadway actors is simply this: one class pronounces it burgular and the other class can’t be heard back of the third row anyway.” And when he isn’t going in for any of the above species of hokum, the M. George Jean, as he would allude to himself, is found coining such easy snicker-snatchers as piffle-puff, yokel-yanker, gob-grabber, simp-snare, mush-mill, jay-tickler, boob- walloper, etc. It is time to call a halt!

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“Asquith and Ye Shall Receive” (Continued from page 23) | well have been reading a novel by Joseph Conrad. First it was Christmas, and then it was New Year, and then we didn’t know when it was. Long since we knew who killed the man in Wind’s End. The only mystery was how he did it. By the time we learned that he did it with a “death ray” from a cannon in a dug-out in his woods, our goose flesh had gone, _and we had to get up again, to open the

7 <a “Say, which one of you guys borrowed that $5 off ’n me?” door and take off our coat. We looked at the thermometer. It was 80°. So we went up-stairs and took a bath. B. Suaw, in the preface to “Saint Joan” (Bretano’s), says the reason Joan of Arc was burned at the stake was because she humiliated men by being right when they were wrong. And she couldn’t flatter and manage them, as Queen Elizabeth did, because she was too young and inexperienced. The poor child, wishing only to do good, couldn’t

“Lawdy, Rastus, what am de meanin’ o’ dem Klux firins?” “Git sensible, woman, git sensible. Dis heah am my pertective colorin’!”

7 cf ww 2s eoo&= & 42h of 8 Geet tee Ge &.

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LMR Viakiak 2 oe

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comprehend the opposition to her, be- cause “it is always hard for superior wits to understand the fury roused by their exposures of the stupidities of compara- tive dullards.” So Joan died the death of a saint and a prophet not at the hands of villains, but at the hands of ecclesias- tical Babbitts, who couldn’t stand having anybody around to disturb the existing order. But don’t be in a hurry to suppose that G. B. S. is implying things have changed greatly. (Of course you will not, if you saw the Epilogue to the play itself.) For the superstitions of the Middle Ages, Shaw says we have but substituted a new set. “As to the new rites,” says he, “which would be the saner Joan . . . the one who told children the story of the angel and Mary, or the one who questioned them as to their experi- ences of the Edipus complex? The one to whom the consecrated wafer was the very body of the virtue that was her salva- tion, or the one who looked forward to a precise and convenient regulation of her health and her desires by a nicely calcu- lated diet of thyroid extract, adrenalin, thymin, pituitrin, and insulin, with pick- me-ups of hormone stimulants, the blood being first carefully fortified with anti- bodies against all possible infections by inoculations of infected bacteria and serum from infected animals, and against old age by surgical extirpation of the re- productive ducts, or weekly doses of monkey glands?” And yet Professor Nathan said that Shaw was losing his grip! We have read the preface, and we have read the text of the play, and we also saw it acted last winter, and we are going to affirm, though the heavens fall and the American Mercury descend upon us like a bolt from an avenging deity, that Professor Nathan was the one who lost his grip the night he saw “Saint Joan,” not G. B.S. The Maid has always been treated in the theater before as a roman- tic, beautiful, mystical heroine, perse- cuted by a gang of wicked cutthroats. Shaw shows her as the victim of well meaning, very human, but frightened Babbittry, who got her out of the way so it could feel safe and comfortable again. We believe Shaw is much nearer right than all the playwrights and most of the historians of the past, and he is cer- tainly considerably more entertaining about it. And when Shaw adds that though we make a saint of Joan to-day, now she is dead these 500 years, we’d burn her again if she came around stirring up the same sort of a rumpus, we think the les- son not unsalutary. Anyhow, we recom- mend the book to you as the most stimu- lating one likely to be issued in the English language in 1924. OMEWHERE or other we read the other day of a man who prevented seasick- ness by reciting poetry aloud—possibly a selfish proceeding. It was recorded that one day he was practicing this preven-

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tive while crossing the English Channel, and the captain requested him to stop because several female passengers thought he was crazy. He stopped, and was im- mediately violently ill. We have never tried this preventive ourself, and if we did we should be rather careful in our choice of selections. Some poems would, in our case, rather accentuate the malady. Edgar Guest’s, forexample On the other hand, we can fancy that if we poured the poetry of L. A. G. Strong on the troubled waters, it might help. The author of “Dublin Days” has just issued a second ohume, “The Lowery Road” Boni_& _ Liveright), mostly verses about Dart- moor. They are pithy and _ lyrical. They do not suggest the Channel in a cross chop. They are not, like the poems of Sandburg, Lake Michigan in a gale. Pure, unassailable And cold they fly, Like silver javelins Against the sky. That is a verse-from one of them. At least there is regularity in the waves. The boat isn’t rolling three ways at once, _

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es This Big Cloth Bound Book POPULAR RADIO 7 Months for $2.00 Takes the Mystery Out of Radio HE purpose of the editors in compiling I “How to Build Your Radio Receiver” was to provide a dependable working ide for the construction and operation of receiving sets that would enable beginner and expert alike to build a set that would best suit his individual requirements. To offer the widest possible choice they selected seven representa- tive circuits that in laboratory tests had proved most nearly ideal from the viewpoint of selec- tivity, tone, volume, distance, simplicity of construction, ease in tuning, reliability and general all-around satisfaction. There are seven distinct sets including the simplest crystal set; one tube; three tube; five tube; and even a six or eight tube regenera- tive super-heterodyne! It’s Cheaper to Build than to Buy The actual building of any of these sets can be accomplished by following the instructions given. With the descriptive matter are accu- rate diagrams and illustrations that show ex- actly how to assemble, mount, wire and operate each set. The list of.parts needed specifies by manufacturer's name those actually incor- porated in the demonstration set built in our own laboratories. Aside from the actual constructional data, this forty-four - gg in radio; suggestions about aerials; how to select your parts; tips on tuning and other valuable suggestions. An Attractive Combination Offer While we appreciate that this book is far too valuable to give away, we are offering it for only $2.00 for a limited time with a_seven months’ subscription for POPULAR RADIO— the outstanding monthly in the radio field— the magazine that keeps you in touch with the latest radio developments—shows you how to improve your broadcast reception. Send no money now unless you prefer— the postman on deli of the book—an any event that you run no risk, for your money will be refunded without question if you will notify us within ten days that you are not more than satisfied. POPULAR RADIO 627 West 43d St. New York City coe Radio, Dept. 816 West 43d St., New York City Enter a seven months’ subscription for POPULAR RADIO in my name and send me a copy of “How to Build Your Radio Receiver.” oO Enclosed is my remittance of $2.00, payment in full. [_] ! will pay the Postman $2.00 on delivery of the book. Putting It Nicely WE: live in a prosaicage. The beauties of the countryside are hidden by | appeals to buy somebody’s pickles, or to | smoke somebody’s cigarettes, or to wash | with somebody else’s soap. Our public parks and buildings bristle with curt orders, warnings and threats—‘‘Keep off the Grass,” “Stand Clear of the Gates,” “No Smoking—Penalty 40s.” and the rest. Could not the directors, if not of our destinies at any rate of our deport- ment, be induced to sugar their peremp- tory pills a little? We have been told that music hath charms to soothe a savage breast, to soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak. Let the powers that be call to their aid the music of words—poetry, the language of the gods. How forcefully and gracefully, for in- stance, “Stand Clear of the Gates” might be twisted by the tame bard of the under- ground railways! Passengers in the com- pany’s lifts might be cautioned in words, perhaps, like these: Smashed limbs, torn flesh and broken pates Are caused by standing near these gates. The cold, official “No Smoking— Penalty 40s.” might blossom forth as: Now, smoking of all kinds—tobacco and bacon !— | Is strictly prohibited here. Suggestions for the Coolidge Publicity Campaign If you do it you'll rue it, or I’m much mistaken, And lose forty shillings, old dear! Most of us have read “Beware of Pick- pockets,” and promptly forgotten the advice. We should be less likely to for- get this metrical version: Sweet zephyrs softly steal— And so do evil men. Your pockets you should feel Now and then. The snappy couplet: « Don’t be a fool, of sense bereft! Drive carefully, and to the left is just the sort of thing needed to catch the eye and penetrate the understanding of the traffic troublers. Francis GLOVER —Passing Show Rad The two girls were having tea together. “My dear Edith,” said one, “why do you always call your mother the mater?” “Because,” answered Rose, “she man- aged to find husbands for all my seven sisters.” —Tit-Bits (London) ASS “There are very few swallows in England this year,” declares a morning paper. This ought to make Mr. Pussy- foot Johnson sit up. —Passing Show ieee

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[awrRweENT] Klem K. Knight goes out with his new birthday present from his wifie. it / at % f ‘ N y) . * SlenderWomen are more popular A graceful slender girl holds a fascination which only slender women have. Men admire a youthful silhouette. Instinctively, they are drawn towards the woman whose figure is graceful and shapely. That's why slender girls are always popular. But why worry about being overweight? It's easy to reduce. Use Marmola Tablets (thousands of men and women each year The Tower of Babel has been unearthed in Mesopotamia. At last a competitor has been found for Congress. —Louisville Courier-Journal More girls are swimming this year. Bathing beaches are beginning to look like a flock of magazine covers. —Cleveland Press Newark comes forth with a girl bandit whose hair is long. It should be easy to spot her. —Buffalo Evening News Congress has put on record its estimate of the worth of a voter: precisely three titiiler Yip ee 4/ cents. Now, let’s have the voters’ | estimate of the worth of a Congressman —Rochester Herald As the radical describes himself, he is one who cannot be forced to walk the plank. —Buffalo Evening News One reason they call baseball a classic game is that there are so many Homers in it. —Providence Sunday Journal Detroit police have arrested a boot- It is appalling legger who is also a poet. how low these fellows fall sometimes. —Cleveland Press “T suppose you find everything 80 different now you are married?” “Not very. I used to sit up half the night wondering when Arthur would go home, and now I sit up half the night wondering when he'll come home.” —London Mail regain healthy, slender figures this way). These tablets will make you slender again. Try them. No exercises or diets. All drug stores have them— one dollar a box. Or they will be sent in plain wrap- pets postpaid, by the Marmola Co., 1719 eneral Motors Bldg., Detroit, Mich. MARMOLA Prescription Tablets e Pleasant Way toFeduce x RS Saxophones Get Together Talk about fun! And good music! There is always ee of both when two uescher Saxophones get ~ _, if youlike good music— if you want to be popular —if you want to make — home the center of attraction, you must have a uescher Saxophone. Easy to Play—Easy to Pay With the aid of the first three lessons, which are sent (upon request) without charge with each new Saxo- me, the scale can be mastered in an hour; in a few weeks you can be playing ——_— music. You can even take your place ina ben or orchestra within 90 days, if so desire. ree Saxophone Book—Just send a post card for yourcopy. Mention any other instrument in which you areinterested and completecatalog willbe mailed. (106) BUESCHER BAND INSTRUMENT CO. Everything in Band and Orchestra Instruments 188 Buescher Block Elkhart, Indiana Write for our free Guide Books an a ATEN RECORD OF INVENTION pnd BLANK” before disclosing inven- Send model or sketch of your invention for our Examination and Instructions. No Charge for the Above Information. ‘erms reaso . VICTOR J. EVANS & CO., 813 Ninth, Washington, D. C. rea‘ FOR MEN F BRAINS CIGARS nable “MADE AT KEY WEST

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**The Gift of Gifts’’ Drawn by Angus MacDonall ‘*Life Is Just One Summons after Another’’ Drawn by Angus MacDonall **Your Board of Directors’’ Drawn by Orson Lowell Any of the above subjects, ' printed on Heavy Art Mat, approximately 15 x 11, sent postpaid, carefully packed, for 50c each. | JUDGE | Art Print Department 627 West 43d Street New York City -_—-~-- Seem Cais N — PW. SEA lf rN, if k, , |i ls Le “Mummy, now daddy’s been made a knight, I suppose I am a nightie?” é i, yy meme tts pul er RPT 4 —Passing Show (London) At a prayer meeting in a negro church the pastor was explaining the passage which tells of the passing of the children of Israel through the Red Sea. “Tt is all very simple,” he said. “You know that water generally flows down hill, but in this yere instance’ things was jus’ reversed. The water, instead of flowin’ down hill, done suddenly flow up hill, leavin’ the bottom of the sea all dry, so that all the children ob Israel jus’ passes ober without eben wettin’ their feet. Then—” “But,” interrupted a young negro who had been to college, “it wouldn’t have done that, pastor. It would have been against the law of gravitation.” “You jest set down, sah,” answered the pastor. “You don’t know what you are talkin’ about. This all happened three thousand years ‘fore the law of gravita- tion done been discovered.” —Tit-Bits (London) On a recent trip made by a liner from Glasgow to New York more than three- quarters of the passengers bore names beginning with Mac. In spite of Pro- hibition, America seems to be absorbing plenty of Scotch. | —London Opinion AAS Baldheaded Man (who has asked for a haircut)—Do you want me to take my collar off? Barber—No, sir, it isn’t necessary, and you can keep your hat on if you want to.” —Fliegende Blatter (Munich) HIS “What? If the operation isn’t a suc- cess I must pay you double!” “Yes, so as to compensate me for the bad effect it will have on my other patients.” —Le Journal Amusant (Paris) ca to

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Sanford, Portsmouth, R. I.; Winner of Judge’s 50-50 Contest No. 27 Paul—Give me a recipe for happiness. Paula—A book of signed checks underneath the bough; A case of hootch; A racy fliv and thou Beside me petting in the wilderness— Ah, that, sweet kid, would be the cat’s meow! The $25 Prize in Jupar’s 50-50 Contest No. 27, announced in the July 5, 1924 issue, was won by Edward Moffett, Boones Mill, Va. Answers which received consideration are: “Why, what more do you want?” Phillips A. Noyes, 74 Kirkland st., Cambridge, Mass.; you take it from my own lips?” “You must press me for it!’ William “Lose the chaperon early in the evening,” Raymond H. Welsh, 170 Buffalo st., Conneaut, O. “Will The following “howlers’”’ occurred at a recent schoolboy’s examination: Herrings go about the sea in shawls. In India a man out of one cask cannot marry a woman out of another cask. Horse power is the distance one horse can carry a pound of water in an hour. ' —Tit-Bits (London) FAS “Tt isn’t any use telling a secret to Suzanne.” “Why, does she shout it from the roof tops?” “No, she never tells it to anybody.” —Le Régiment (Paris) FAH Landlady (to applicant for rooms)— Might I ask what your occupation is? “T’m a doctor of music.” “You're just the man we want. There’s a lot of bad music in this neighborhood. —The Bulletin (Sydney) The Duffer—Here, caddy, we’ve made another mistake—we’re in the bunker over the green. The Caddy (resenting the pronoun)— So we are. We're a couple of proper bloomin’ duds, ain’t we? —The Bulletin (Sydney) AHH They had had one of their usual tiffs, because hubby wats home late for dinner. “You’re always late,” she said indig- nantly. “You were late at the church the day we were married.” “Yes,” he answered bitterly, wasn’t late enough.” —Answers (London) ABS “but I There is talk of the publication of an Anglo-American dictionary. It may help to call attention to certain minor points of resemblance between the two lan- guages. —Passing Show (London) Bouree of colds “iy oreeeHre and kidney he {8 Dissst Dissolve blood clots asin ysis, 5 the impurities w cause blemishes to the ak wan as eens, INTENSIVE FEEDING, JUICES, NO WATER New rich blood builds oe vite Waite os for pe on convicts, hens, a. Soe, ete, Dedcent f disease, whereas full nutrition cured, e. t feeding’ produced blind- =, ee hens, rats, ete.; pellagra, beriberi, skin affections, e se een The following extracts are from_sworn statements of meal ARALYSIS. ht hand and helpless three years, restored in tree weeks, cairns Another, bedridden, hemiplegia. Sensation stored in three days. worth) aeengote wARTHRITIS, All joints swollen with lime its. Knees end wrists locked Eumovebte Ser st t mont ind toe Tank HAY now see, walk and home work. ‘CAT FEVER, RESULTING DEAFNESS renga trata the frst m *Hedridden, cho! cok every wi for years, but not one attack since ak owes year housework. MORS. Age 40. Tumors weighing several pounds dis- solved within a GOITRE. Col reduced 17 to 15, normal size UTERINE HEMORRHAGE, 60. Three years in roll- ing chair; tant discharges. w does housework, inclu wephing. L nag ME three mgntts, or *PYORRHOEA. Age y PY Pus ceased on 7th day. PREGNANCY, ass En With last two Maldron suffered po peusen, no swollen feet, nor constipation as previously. CON: ATION. ‘These 9 Besity Mininetions spat. RAINY MEALS work easy. Musc nourishing meals build ot flesh. Sworn s' b 6,000 puplis. Educational book, 10 cents BRINKLER SCHOOL oF EATING Dept. 16-J 131 West 72nd Street New York re — Protect you hold-u Yo ow this clever ci of light weigl e exactly like the real the trigger, back flies owing your ci; ttes. Lots = = OT of fun scaring friends, and a protector. Sol MAN $ $1.78 us. PAY 79 on de- eirat Penns Maney back dep 1128, 594 Slath Ave... Kens Breton ety Geared of Pimples, Blackheads, the face or Eczema, Pores and Oily er Shiny Skin. FREE 2o\hiihex | Bids er Mf years. &.S.GIVENS, 224 ? Kaneas City.Ma.

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Ss act a ge 2 eas So ee ee “Well! “Who? Did you ever?” Me? No, never!”,—London Mail Lawyer—Tell the court exactly where you were on the twentieth day of said month at five-thirty in the afternoon. Defendant—I was on the corner of the Strand, asking a man a question. *Ah—ha! But how do you know it was exactly five-thirty?” “Ah—ha yourself! The question I was asking him was what time it was!” —Answers (London) AHS In Kent, a campaign has been started against littering the countryside with débris. Motorists are urged to stop and arrange stricken pedestrians in neat rows and not leave them strewn untidily all over the roadside. —London Opinion Rada’ The orator was not being well treated. His audience were better interrupters than listeners. So he, too, became roused. “When I eame here to-night I did not believe in the Darwinian theory. Upon mature consideration of my audience I do—half of you look as if you’d evolved from monkeys.” “Yes,” came the calm response, “but we have evolved.” —Tit-Bits (London) ASS “These love poems are very short.” “What can you expect? Nowadays a courtship doesn’t last very long.” —Meggendorfer-Blatter (Munich) “T tell you, sir, I have played in all the largest theaters in Europe.” “Yes, but they’re nothing compared with the theaters we have in America. Why, sir, we have theaters so big that when a man in a back seat throws an egg it. hatches out before it reaches the stage.” —Tit-Bits (London) . SAH “Your daughter seems very demure.” “Yes, she was always taught when out walking to keep her eyes lowered, for that’s the only way one ever finds money in the street.” —Le Régiment (Paris) Is this the Minister—Dear me. way to spend Sunday? The Victor—Spend Sunday! Lum- me, that only took me two seconds. —Passing Show (London) “Here! Have you forgotten that you owe me ten quid?” “No! Didn’t you see me trying to hide as you came along?” —The Bulletin (Sydney) FAH He (meeting her for the first time for years)—Upon my word, Miss Hawkins, I should hardly have known you, you have altered so much. She (coyly)—For better or worse? “Ah, my dear girl, you could only change for the better!” —Answers (London) RR dad The Man (looking for sympathy)—I’ve been through a good bit since I married. The Old Flame (who hasn’t forgiven)— Yes, your wife’s entire fortune, so I’m told. —The Bulletin (Sydney) HAHAH “Mamma, to-day the teacher asked me if there were any more at home like me.” “And what did he say when you told him you were the only child?” “He said, “Thank heaven!’ ” —Jugend (Munich) SASH Imitation marble is being made from concrete. But I’ve known a housewife to do it with a handful of self-raising flour and a few currants. —Passing Show (London)

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These Boo caer ile me Read AboutThese Amazing Books! THE PRICE Or THINGS.—Here is a book that will open your eyes! Each succeeding chapter grows more daring! From the Magic Pen of Elinor Glyn flows a throbbing tale of audacious characters, startling incidents, sen- sational situations, daring scenes, thrill after thrill! Oh! what a wonderful story it is—the like of which you never dreamed! THREE WEEKS.—This is probably the most famous novel ever published. Millions of peo- ple have been thrilled—some of them shocked! —by this sensational story. ‘‘Three Weeks” has been praised by many and condemned b others—but the book lives on and never will die, simply because it is a true picture of true —— by a writer bold enough to reveal the truth. His Hour.—The books of most French and English novelists are “‘toned down” when ublished in America. Not so with “His our.”” This book comes to you exactly in the form in which it was first published—nothing has been taken out—we have not censored the book—everything is there! Rep Hair.—The heroine of this story has red hair, green eyes, and a daringly unsophis- ticated manner — a combination that “drives men crazy.”” You'll be thrilled at her wild escapades! THE Reason Wuy.—If your father, for some mysterious reason, forced you to marry a man you didn't care for, would you not con- sider it dishonorable to endure any attentions your husband might attempt to force upon you? Would zee not grow to hate him more and more as he became cyclonic in his ruth- less, burning. ove-making? Well, that’s just the situationi n this amazing story. Read it! THE MAN AND THE MOMENT.—Elinor Glyn knows that most people are not interested in hold-me-by-the-hand love-making. She knows that most women like to tremble at the rush, the mad vehemence of an ardent lover—and that most men like to read about real flesh- and-blood heroines who can exchange kiss for kiss. This is the kind of love, these the kind of lovers, you will find in ‘The Man and the Moment.’ THE Point or VieEw.—Every woman loves a determined, wo lover who sweeps all opposition, all rivals, before him—who carries his beloved’s heart by storm. Such a lover is the hero of this strange story of love that would brook no interference. He is a Russian—resolute, reckless, dauntless—a ver- itable raging tornado of love. You'll enjoy his way of making love to the bewildered heroine. GuINEVERE’s Lover.— What is more poig- nantly sweet—what more pulse-stirring— what more dangerously glorious—than to love someone who loves you and yet can never be yours? Guinevere, of this tense story, is a married woman and her lover is not her hus- band. These two—Guinevere and her lover, —can never belong to each other, but . We must not tell you any more—it will spoil the story! Love Itse_r.—If Love Herself could come to you in human form and you could have her by your side for one never-to-be-forgotten day, then and only then, would you’ experi- ence the intoxicating thrills you will ove reading this superb story. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT.—An auda- cious love story finding its theme in the Seventh Commandment. Reading only a few chapters of this book will convince you that i ie one of the best ever written by Elinor yn. . : ae Posipmpes [Lr petanlrarerinens Elinor Glyn, famous author of that audacious romance, ‘“‘Three Weeks,” is love’s most daring interpreter. And here, for the first time, is offered ten of her most pulse- stirring stories of love. All of them are fully as thrill- ing as ‘‘Three Weeks’’— some of them even more so, if that could be possible. Get these books at our risk with- out advancing a penny, and glorify your days and nights with these never-to-be-equaled love-makers. She Calls Things by Their Right Names When Elinor Glyn published ‘“‘Three Weeks”’ and it began to be whispered about what kind of a book it was, the whole world stood aghast. Slowly, at first, then faster and faster by leaps pestuous wooing, tender caress- Warning! ings, softtmurmurings, close, close The publishers do not care to send these Ten Sensa- tional Novels to anyone under eight- een years of age. So unless you are over eighteen, please donot fill out the coupon below. embraces, fierce, mad suitors who can not bestopped until they have what they want—whofear neither God northe Devil—! Oh, itis here, all here, and more too. We can not begin to tell you how you will enjoy these books, everyone of which we guarantee to be exactly and bounds, thousands upon thousands demanded frantically to read the book. Why was it that the whole world thus defied all warnings to have nothing to do with ‘‘Three Weeks?”’ Simply because it was a tense, audacious story of love—a frank, open picture of love in its most thrill- ing, spirited aspects—told by an author who was brave enough to call things by their right names—who dared to reveal love as it very often is, but about which all other authors had been afraid to write. Elinor Glyn’s stories of love have always been supremely popular simply because of this quality of fearless out-spokenness in them. Elinor Glyn will not be frightened by self-styled critics who would ban her works. She will reveal love as she has seen it—and certainly she has not looked for the calm, serene, boring type of love that mani- fests itself in holding hands and an occa- sional luke-warm kiss. These Lovers Will Make You Gasp! No, indeed, Elinor Glyn’s lovers are the ardent, tempestuous type—men lovers who take their ladies’ hearts by storm, and not always in a strictly conventional, de- corous fashion—women lovers, warm and responsive, who can exchange mad kiss for mad kiss. Yes, indeed, these dashing, rac romances will make you gasp, shiver wit delight, thrill to your finger-tips, tremble to the depths of your emotions. You can not help it, for oe is Love Itself—pic- tured in its most es form, as probably no other author could or would dare to present it. Glance over the titles and brief descrip- tions of these books in the panel to the left, and gain a slight idea of the glorious, glow- ing hours of reading ahead of you—of read- ing about Love— oi ardent Lovers—of tem- as it appeared in the original English Edition. SEND NO MONEY You need not advance a single penny to get these Ten Sensational Novels. Simply fill out the coupon below—or write a letter —and the books will be sent to you on ap- proval. When the postman delivers them to your door—when they are actually in your hands—pay him only $1.96, plus a few pennies postage. Go over the books to your heart’s content—read them from cover to cover—and if you are not more than pleased, simply mail them back in good condition within 5 days and your $1.96 will be refunded gladly. But if you are satisfied, keep them and pay us a bal- ance of $3 a month for 5 months, making a total of only $16.96 for the entire set of ten volumes. These books are of such a sensational character that they are sure to be in great demand. The present edition is very limited and may soon be exhausted. Soitis possible that you may be com- — to wait for a set unless you mail the coupon low AT ONCE. We do not say this to hurry you—it is the truth. Get your pencil—fill out the coupon NOW. Mail it to The Authors’ Press, Auburn, N. Y., before it is too late. Then be prepared to enjoy ten of the most daring novels ever written! ee eee eee er | The Author’s Press, Dept. 514, Auburn, N. Y. Send me on approval the Ten Sensational Novels by Elinor Glyn. /hen the postman delivers the books to my door, I will pay him only $1.96, plus a few pennies postage. If the books are not satisfac- tory, I reserve the right to return them any time within 5 days after they are received, and you agree to refund my $1.96. But, if they are satisfactory, I will keep them and send you a balance of $3 a month for 5 months, making a total of $16.96, in full pay- ment for the set. | | do not care to buy on the installment plan, but | prefer to pay cash. To those who pay cash in ad- vance we give a special discount of nearly 35%, making the price of the complete set of ten books | only $12.50. If you prefer to pay $12.50 cash in advance—and save $5.54—simply sign below, | place a cross in the little square at the right, and remit in any way convenient. Money re{ | i funded in full if books are not satisfactory. | I I I | | | Special Reduced Price for Cash— Many people | | | | | | | ! NOMRO. 2 oc cocsics Povddewescacesecceddescccvecs AGGTOOS . 2. we ccgecccccccccccccccscvcccccceees | City and State. .... 1. cowccccccccccccsecccese IMPORTANT — If it fs: teste tnt you 27, P be at heme n rs ment o ¥ in . Tyan the rapt Sets Tes ermact of sei mest be in advance. ks Will Make You Gasp! |

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Settle the cigarette question by rolling your own from BULL. You get more flavor, more tobacco taste, more enjoyment—and much more for your money—