Judge 1885-02-21: Vol 7 Iss 175

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Sear’ | ENTERED AT THE POST OFFICE AT NEW YORK AS SECOND CLASS MATTER. COPYRIGHT 188i BY THE JUDGE PUBLISHING CO. Price NEW YORK, FEBRUARY 21, 1885. 10 Cents. = “ae —s BAYARD, INSTE OF TAKING _ ee a ¥ = 4x a THE BULL BY THE ~ id a> . FRANKLIN SQUARE LITW.CO. NEW YORK, HORNS, CATCHES ON.

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THE JUDGE. THE JUDGE. TERMS TO SUBSCRIBERS (UNITED STATES AND CANADA IN ADVANCE. One copy, one year, or 52 numbers, ..... - « «ae One copy, six months, or 26 numbers ceweeveceu a One copy. for 13 weeks, .. — > “Ss Single ples cents ! Address, THE JUDGE PUBLISHING 324, COMPANY, Pearl NEW YORK 326 and 325 Sts, CORRESPONDENTS GW CORRESPONDENTS WILL PI SEND Mas. TO THIS OFFICE AT THEIR ARE ENCLOSED WE WILL RETURN REJECTED MATTER AS FAR AS POS SIBLE, BUT WE DISTINCTLY REPUDIATE ALL RES! R SUCH IN EVERY CASE. WHERE A PRICE IS NOT AFFIXED BY CONTRIBUTIONS WILL BE REGARDED QUENT CLAIM FOR REMUNERATION WILL BE ENTERTAINED EASE TAKE NOTICE THAT THEY OWN RISK WHERE STAMPS NSIBILITY F HE WRITER, US, AND NO SUBSE AS GRATUITS THE LATE GEORGE WASHINGTON. THE JUDGE cannot help thinking that the race of American statesmen not quite what it w Just now, the last century is brought int as a hundred years agoor so. 0 promi- nence and broadly contrasted with th Washington which Is one by the unveiling of the monu- ment—a tribute to e creat man, never grown as fast as the country he founded. Washington was “first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen.” His countrymen elected him to be Any sc icolboy can tell you that their President—the same honor as they conferred on Grover Cleveland the other day; but the nation at large doesn’t think as much of Grover Cleveland as it did of George Wash- ington—not yet. The intelligent schoolboy will always tell you that George Washington’s principal work in life was whipping the British. This brings Washington’s charac- ter into bold contrast with that of certain statesmen of the present day—Senator Bay- ard forexample. Mr. Bayard is diffident, not to say timid, and he would be very loth to do anything, or have the United States do anything which England might disapprove of. scheme, and very obediently tags on to John Consequently he opposes the Nicaragua Bull’s tail, to be dragged in whatever direc- tion that puissant animal may be pleased to carry him. Assuredly, if George Washington could look down from the top of his monument at the country that he founded, he would find a great deal to be surprised at. He would be surprised at Bayard’s attitude, at Hendrick’s survival, at Cleveland’s existence. | the telegraph, and the e more, and give him a better idea of the pro- gress of the country, than the locomotive, lectric light of to- day. But Washington cannot be present at | the unveiling of his own monument—that is a privilege enjoyed by few. Never mind; on and after the fourth of March we shall have Grover Cleveland in his place, and Bayard will take care we don’t get into any dispute with England. GAS. Goop housekeepers are constantly writing books for the and of neophytes. Every little while we a title Keep louse on Twelve Dollars a Week,” or ** A benefit instruction meet as ** llow to new one with some such Ilome for a Thousand a Year,” and } adm we ire them and wonder how it is done. But when we consider that these moderate stimates include the gas-bills, our wonder s lost in admiration. How can anything so ntangible, so fleeting, so vaporous as gas be | included within the bounds of a fixed income? For if impossible s one thing in which it is there to economize, it is in sumption of gas. mize in its consumption, if that is any but no amount of econo- my will affect the sum total of the gas bill. That is a fixed quantity, amusement to you, immutable as a law of nature, and is probably regulated before- | hand by the gas company on a system de- has | , , | sum total of your bill. been growing for some years, but which has | has | pendant on the number of burners you have in the The fact that you forbear to light any of these burners will not affect the house. self up with kerosene, ruin your carpets and clothes by carrying candles, imitate your That is, you may econo- | suit in which he was the defendant. He was mulcted in about $50,000, and the young lady who was plaintiff in the case, and who, by all accounts, was a great deal too good for him, is to be congratulated not only on her substantial verdict, but on her escape from the festive Garmoyle. With such credentials as these, it is not to be that welcomed with open arms by our best society. wondered at Lord Guarmoyle was His name appears prominently in those hy- brid columns of our journals which are de- voted to “‘society” news. His movements are | chronicled, even when he appears in public | the con- | | daughter’s economy when Charles Augustus | calls on Saturday evening, and refuse to light The inexorable meter will register just so many the gas at all; it will be all in vain. thousand feet, and the collector will point to it and tell you Wont they, indeed? meter won’t do anything else, and they doit that figures won’t lie. The figures on a gas all on one side, too. Poor, over-burdened New York house-holder. You will never be relieved from this pressure; never, that is, till the millenium dawns or the electric light is adapted to the needs of private dwellings. LORD GARMOYLE. ORNAMENTING our fashionable society, casting the effulgence of his presence upon our social gatherings, feted by the few and ‘lionized by the many, we have at present in onr midst Lord Garmoyle. This young gentleman is the son of a well-known legal lord, and owes much of his distinction to the proud position his father attained on the English bench, for he has no pretensions whatever to birth, as Lord Cairns was the founder of his own fortunes. aristocratic Lord Garmoyle can not be regarded as a well-behaved young man. His personal noto- These three phenomena would surprise him riety is due toa disgraceful breach of promise His promise suit does not, by any with a somewhat well-known actress. of means, appear to have cooled his ardor for the stage and the beauties thereof. breach Tut JupGe hopes Lord Garmoyle will have a good time in America, and felicitates ‘our highest society ” on his brilliant addi- to its circle—** A book’s a book, although there’s nothing im it,” tion charmed said a distinguished British poet. ‘* A lord’s a lord, although there’s nothing to him,” in America, at any rate. DYNAMITE AND DYNAMITERS. ‘‘ HELL is not hot enough, nor eternity long enough, to punish the Fenians.” So an eminent Irish ecclesiastic remarked some years ago, and if, as it would seem, dynamite is the outward manifestation of rampant Fenianism—the logical outcome of unscrup- ulous conspiracy, it looks as if the reverend ’ \ | gentleman might be right, or thereabouts. You may blow your- | ; The argument of dynamite appears to be regularly resorted to by three different clas- ses. ‘The socialists or communists, who are worth nothing, and who are fully conscious that, in the fairly run race of life they will never take a place, and who are consequently earnest advocates of dynamite as a panacea | for all ills, and hope by blowing everything | to pieces to enrich themselves by plundering the ruins. Then there are the workingmen | who strike on small provocation, and resent an This kind of working- man, who feels outraged if he be discharged, any attempt to fill their places by appeal to dynamite. even for cause, is fortunately in a hopeless minority; but, unhappily, it is desperate minorities who most thoroughly appreciate the explosive force of dynamite. And, thirdly and lastly, there are political dyna- miters, men who are content to murder for the sake of an idea; who blow up Czars and Parliament Houses, and innocent men, women, and children, because crazy creatures like Louise Michel, or interested advisers like O’Donovan Rossa, tell them that it is the proper thing to do. And all these people—these three different classes—are alike in this respect, they fly to dynamite the moment they have a fanciful wrong to redress, or a still more fanciful right toenforce. They are murderers, every- one of them, whether the individual explo-

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THE JUDGE

sion each one of them may be connected with be attended with loss of life or not. They are cowurdly murderers, slaughtering the innocent without reason or pity, without hope of gain to themselves; actuated, as it would seem, by the blind and unreasoning ferocity of an enraged animal. Assuredly, ** Hell is not hot enough, nor eternity long | bd and it would be no marvel if Satan should resign enough to punish the dynamiters,’ his realm in their favor, according to the conceit of our artist, as beings a thousand times wickeder and more devilish than him- rig TRIN ‘“THE JUDGE'S” DOUBLE BACK ACTION, REVERSI BLE, STEAD LABOR SAVING, FOR SELF-ADJUSTING, BIDDY PATENT BED GETTING UP IN THE MORNING THE man who wants achange of scene and wants it cheap should go to the theatre. Carpe diem: When the man in a hurry steps On the morning ice let the looker on laugh his laugh at once. If he waits it may turn out that the slipper has broken his head. In a world like ours we should bear the evil for the sake of the good that goes with it. A pious reflection like this will help Christian men and boys to put up with the insipid banana for the sake of its amusing skin. JaYCOBB, who has just come back to town, says that he boarded last summer with a pious family in the country who were so —_ that he had pie every morning for reakfast, and got im himmel such pie—in short Jaycobb has come back to town a dyspeptic infidel.

“Sitting on the Stair.” ‘* ART going to the ball this eve?” This was Jack’s question, and I grieve To say, the evening found me there On coming down, I picked my way Between the couples, still or gay Who sat upon the stair. Half down I paused, the days of yore, The old old times came back once more. In the gay turmoil and the glare I stood and lost myself, and dreamed I saw her face; once more we seemed To sit upon the stair. Once more the old sweet things I said; In measure swayed her lovely head To some gay waltz’s witching air; Though draughts came whistling from above, I knew no draughts but draughts of love, When sitting on the stair. The music ceased, I'l] ne’er forget Its dreamy sadness, lingering yet In her dark, moistened eyes, I swear! I'd give the world to-night to see That girl, who never more by me Will sit upon the stair. Since then I’ve climbed the stairs of life, I've had my part of toil and strife, And—my sad reverie ended there, For, —first a giggle, then a cough, Then came a voice which said, ‘‘ Come off, Don’t stand upon the stair.” THE codfish aristocracy have no style in the light fantastie. A JOLLY crew is the corks-crew—al ways goes for the bottle. Tue Uptones don’t fancy codfish balls. Not select affairs, you know. First Democrat—** Do you know, Cleve- | land must have a good deal of law business.” Second Democrat—‘‘ I dunno; why?” ‘* Why they say he “‘ keeps his own coun- sel.” ‘** Not a bad idea—paid by the year I guess —better than hiring such high-priced bush- whackers like—like Coscoe Ronkling the jew screw that charged us ten million dollars, wasn't it, to keep Ben. Blaine from running off with the New York ballotbox Of course Cleveland’s counsel is a good Democrat.” pe RS <= a “~ Ut Another Dynamite Outrage. IN TWO OUTRAGES. Outrage 1.

| Every evening for two weeks Mr. Dyna- tite absented himself from the domestic | circle. | At first hisexcuse was the old one—‘‘Going out to see a man, “portant business.” ‘*Humph! ” said Mrs. D., sot/o voce, as he took his hat. ‘‘ ’Portant business, indeed; I know what that means, it means poker, and a loss of several dollars, for the old fool al- ways loses. Now I shall have to sit up most of the night. But Mrs. Dynamite was mistaken. She exploded a little too soon.—Mr. Dynamite was in the house before twelve. Mrs. D. waited till he was fast asleep, and us soon as he had started off on his regular night-mare ride, she arose and examined his pockets. Nothing there save a couple of dollars, his knife, keys, ete. Nosigns of poker, not even astray chip. Wherehad Mr. Dynamite been? The next morning at breakfast he com- plained of a pain in the back of his head, and Mrs. D. noticed that the phrenological pro- tuberance indicating self-esteem was swollen to about twice its natural size. ‘*How much did you make last night?” she inquired, sarcastically determined to solve the mystery, if possible. ‘*T made an ass of myself, that’s what I made,” growled her husband, and before she ' could make the obvious retort about there being nothing unusual in that, he was out- side the front door and on his way down- town. After dinner that night he began to fidget and grow restless, and finally said, he guessed he’d go around and see his partner for a while. ** Good gracious!” thought Mrs. D. ‘‘is the man troubled about business? Perhaps he’s going to fail. I never saw him act so queerly.” Again he was home early—quite early, but when he came in he looked as if he’d been in « Madison Square Garden slugging match, and had decidedly got the worst of it. ‘* For heaven’s sake, Mr. Dynamite! what is the matter, are you drunk?” ‘*No — —, I wish I was,” he answered. ‘*Then what in the name of wonder have

— WE Uf)? Yi (i ZL a AGH | Leow a ol CLEVELAND'S RECRUITS.

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arg , " ae you been doing?” asked his wife, bringing a | “Dynamite Dan” and the Dentist’s Daughter; rag and a bottle of Pond’s Extract. ‘** Well, you see, I slipped and fell on the | Mr. Dynamite, seeing some sort of an explanation was necessary. ‘* Dynamite, you must be drunk, or you wouldn’t talk so like a fool. ice,” said York outside the refrigerators and ice carts; its been as warm as summer for four days.” ‘* Well then, it was a banana peel. I don’t see what difference it makes to you what | slipped on. You see the result, don’t you?” ‘© Yes, I see it,” she answered sozzling his battered head vigorously, and letting the Extract trickle down between his shirt collar and his neck. The next night he started off again. ‘“*Are you going out with that eye and that nose?” asked Mrs. Dynamite, as he took his hat and prepared to depart. sing They’re the best I’ve got,” he smiling maliciously. answered That night he talked in his sleep, and | murmured something about striking out— first right, then left—until his wife more than half suspected he was taking lessons in the manly art of self-defence. But no, she said to herself, he can’t be such a fool as that. Things went on in the same way for some time. Mr. Dynamite came and went regu- larly every evening, but after he’d sprained a wrist and dislocated a finger-joint, he ceased to main himself. The plot thickened, and Mrs. Dynamite, as | she expressed it, was at her wit’s erd. A whole week elapsed before she was able to solve the mystery, so in common justice we will keep our readers in suspense for a similar period. F. CUTTER. A SERIOUS UNDERTAKING “Hurrah! We've: rot the dead wood on the rollers!” BLESSINGS never come single. It must be by less than two twins at a birth. Ir is childish, of course, as well as senile to buck against the inevitable, but it isa sad reflection, nevertheless, that when the crema- torv gets in full blaze, the anthropological sharp of distant future will search in for a human skull to show the world what manner of head the American citizen of the twentieth century was inthe habit of putting on his fellow citizen in the of the election carnival. vain season Don’t you sup- | pose I know there isn’t a piece of ice In New | virtue of this proverb that there are never THE JUDGE. | OR THE BOY BURGLAR’S LOST LOVE 1 Yampsome “Yarn” in three “Threads”. | "THREAD ” 1, ( Re solution. ) IST. my darling! to-night, in ten short minutes, | start to rob the fa » goes well, to- : morrow Dyna- mite Dan will buy a_ half interest in thy relentless parent’s business, and make thee his wife ere many days—or at least before von feeble crescent moon becomes one-half as full as two-thirds of the police- men on their beats are at this very moment. Dost the prospect please thee, Bridget?” ** Indeed it do, Daniel; butecall me Brigita if thou lovest me, my own sweet pet. Hast | ’ | thou the ‘James’, and thy ‘gentleman | bovine’s optic light’ with thee?” | «Ay! my trusty ‘jimmy’ and ‘ bull’s-eve lantern ’—together with a hogshead full of my boss dynamo mixture, are neath the folds of my doublet.’ ‘*Go then, and may God speed thee! !” This conversation took place between Dan Duffy, the boy-burglar, Bridget (or Brigita) Ferguson—upon whose Union her sordid Pa had refused to smile, until Daniel | could put up $2,000 for a partnership in his | dental oftice—took place one darkish eve- ning in Cairo, Illinois, on the front steps of the Ferguson domicile, and, as the fair lady invoked the above benison upon her valiant knight, he implanted a rapturous kiss upon the tip of her retr in the gloaming, siasm of his brave 4 4a concealed be- and jusse nose and sped away muttering with the enthu- young heart: ‘““ Now fer president!—shiver depositors!—for yer bet de ‘ boodle’. Quake bank- yer boots, Dynamite Dan means | night |” ‘biz’ ter- THREAD 11.—(Fvecution.) Though only eighteen years, nine months, and twenty-three days of age, Dynamite Dan | had been one of the most successful burgoliers banks; bank; and ifall | | in the land. With the aid of his safe-wreck- ing explosive, he had been the champion vault violator of the period. He had gutted three banks in Cairo undetected already, but all the spondulix that he had succeeded in ** blowing out ” of Cairo banks, he had been in the habit of ‘* blowing in” against faro- hence, our hero was ‘* dead-broke ” when he wooed for the (pond) lily white hand of the dentist’s daughter. But now the fourth and last bank of the town is also at his mercy; and, as he pries open a window-sill with his jimmy, and en- ters the building, he resolves, with the booty to be acquired on this night, to marry Brid- , study dentistry, go in ‘‘ cahoots ” with Pap-in-law Ferguson, and settle down to a quiet life, as per programme hereinbefore set forth. He slips in noiselessly, creeps up behind the dozing watchman, chloroforms him, and then proceeds to fill the crevices of the cash- vault door with his never-failing dynamite. A slight flash, a detonation, and the mas- sive bolts and bars are shattered. Another similar operation on the safe inside, and great stacks of greenbacks and U.S. bonds, and glittering rouleaux of gold and silver are at his disposal! Hastily filling the Saratoga trunk which had brought along in his vest-pocket, cet he with the lucre, he lightly tossed it on his shoulder, then emerging like a phantom from that national depository, he flew back to his waiting fiancee: ‘* Huzza, Brigita! victory the boy burglar’s noble effort! n-growing-toe-nailed hath crowned Here, at thy thy Daniel casts the treasure which insures our future happi- feet, ness! : ‘Bully for you, Duffy me boy! come to me grateful buzzum!” she fondly exclaimed; but as Danny flung down his burden, she gave one unearthly screech, and fainted dead away in his arms! The boy burglar had dropped the heavy trunk upon the off corn on her right foot!!! THREAD 111.—( Retribution.) Five years have floated down the aisles of time. Miss Bridget Ferguson recovered from her coma, and Mrs. Daniel Duffy the next day after the events Cescribed in tle preceeding chapter, while ‘‘ Dynamite Dan” forsook his arduous calling of burglar- ism for the easier one of tooth-pulling, ete. Two little children are the “ sprouts ” of their union, while Daniel has also ‘‘sprouted” an alleged moustache in the interim. Are they happy in their wedded life? Well, I should grin to gargle! Old man Ferguson has passed in his checks, and the rejuvenated sign in front of his old office now reads: ‘‘ D. Webster Duffy, Den- became

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tistical Expert & Molar Adjuster,” instead of plain ‘‘ Ferguson & Duffy, Dentists,” as of yore. [ said the Duffy family were happy, but ‘‘a cloud no larger than a man’s hand” planted pea hovered over them to ruin their contentment, as will now be seen: It is a dull day for business in the office, consequently Bridget has come to have her husband fill a hollow back grinder of her’s with amalgam. She has seated herself in the chair, had the tooth excavated, and now her liege-lord is absent-mindedly rolling a small ball of pasty substance in his fingers to place therein, and tamp down to the requisite hardness. He inserts the material in the cavity, and, while a tender smile is playing about her innocent lips, at some loving words he has just breathed, he places one end of a steel tool on the substance in her scooped-out fang, and strikes the other a sharp blow with his mallet. sANG! ! Oh, horrors! crash! Ah! pitying angels, look down upon this awful catastrophe! What means that deafening Dr. Duffy had inadvertently used, instead of the amalgam filling, a piece of his dyna- mite mixture—-which he had saved asa relic of his former bank-robbing exploits—in the | fair Brigita’s mouth, and at the first tap of his hammer, her head was blown into a mil- lion infinitessimal fragments! ! ! Retribution for his early misdeeds had overtaken the ex-boy burglar at last! The ‘fone great and only”’ love of his life was lost to him forever! ! ‘¢ JEF. JOSLYN.’ My Best Girl. WHERE shall I find thy fair equal, On this broad globe, oh my pearl? Where's the Than thou'rt to me My handsome ea brighter young creature, my precious girl?— girl! Can there be lips half as luscious,— Eves that can such glances hurl,— Cheeks that can shame the red roses,— Like thine e’er do, love ly girl? My own sweet girl No! not in this world’s one other That can cope with thee, dear Pearl, In beauty; or with thy appe Tite at cafes, My cos -hungry girl! tly girl! THE JUDGE. Hk BUM BY This is the ‘‘ bum” from Bumtown. ¥ This is the beer that foamed so gay In that saloon one fateful day, And was drank by the ‘* bum” from Bumtown “4! 4 4 Hy 4 — This is the bottle—tall and black, KROM BUNMTOWN. ‘‘ FERGY.”’ From which a dose of Ipecac Was put in the beer that foamed so gay, By the cross bar man, who knew no pay He'd get from the ‘* bum” from Bumtown, This is the gutter in which was stretched A form whose stomach heaved and retched, On account of the bottle, tall and biack, From which a lot of ipecac Was put in the beer that foamed so gay, And down his throat was stored away By the dead-beat ‘‘ bum” from Bumtown, This is the Po-lice Ambulance, Which to the station-house did prance With the ‘ With * 3y the terrible dose of ipecac. Which came from the bottle tall and black | And was put in the beer that foamed so gay, bum” innards” all convulsed and wretched, By that bar-tender, who had got wear-ay Of being ‘ bilked”’ by the ‘ who was so prostrate stretched— bum” from Bumtown, Sor Seuprweres ree — ~ exe

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~~ Oo aa = ee Re a oF tase e THE JUDGE. FORBIDDEN FRUIT. SHE is sweet, she is pretty, She is twenty years of age, She has style, she has money, She is witty and she’s sage When she smiles she is charming, When in laughter, sans compare, When in sighs she is touching, When in tears, dewy fair I love her, and Id tell her I would be her slave for life, | in the stomach. | tenderest spot in our being, and naturally, But alas! that’s forbidden— She's another fellow’s wife! The prize-fighter’s favorite drink—punch. When no man pursueth the wicked flea enjoyeth himself. ‘‘T should have been named Reflection,” groaned a battered tramp as he tightened the belt around his hollow waist. ‘‘I find there is more food for reflection in this life than for anything else.” A Berlin doctor has been fined for not keeping himself posted on modern methods of practice. He was probably so thought- less as to cure some of his patients. There are nine American Countesses and Marchionesses in Rome, this winter, which is equivalent to saying that nine blue-blooded sons of idleness are bathing in American dollars. Mme. Diaz is a woman of many accom- jJlishments, and was educated in New York. Kot, however, at Vassar college, it is need- less to add. She doesn’t know a lump of spruce gum from an ounce of vanadium. A Florida woman is making money by running a saw mill, but she is dying by inches, all the same, of pique and mortifica- tion. She can’t make her voice heard above the buzzing of the saw. About the only time in her life when a girl will say ‘‘ yes” very short and snappy, as if she meant it, is when you ask her to take ice-cream, a sleigh-ride, or yourself for better or for worse. ‘*A harmonious color gives a feeling of repose in the home,” says an art journal. Henceforth esthetic housewives will be care- ful not to have their chairs upholstered in blue, green, or any other color that does not richly blend with the gorgeous tints of the goodman’s proboscis. The Rev. Anthony Walker (colored) was hanged in Texas for murder, not many days ago. If we remember the details of the crime, they were to the effect that one of Mr. Walker’s deacons tried to convince him that five kings could flourish in a pack at | one and the same time, and that the deacon’s argument proved « dead failure. Mrs. Love, of Newberne, N. C., got mad at her husband, the other day, and shot him Love always touches the Mrs. Love knew just where to make the greatest impression on the old man. The latter, unfortunately, was too sensitive on this point, and now love is dead in that family. TOM ADDIS. For the Gentle Fair. LADIES, it is well known, will do almost anything to preserve, enhance, or recover their beauty. This is natural and praise- worthy, for the dear creatures do it all for our sakes—for the sake of the ungrateful man. Unfortunately, too often the so-called beautifiers which ladies employ are made up of noxious substances or poisonous minerals, which accomplish their obj-.ct, if indeed they accomplish it at all, at the expense of health. Therefore, anyone who can provide the fair sex with articles that will beautify without injuring, is a public benefactor. Such a benefactor is Mme. Latour, of Lexington Ave. and 129th Street. Her washes, metics, etc., are purely vegetable, and there- cos- tore harmless, and her skill as a manicure is | unrivalled. Our fair friends, in search of enhanced beauty, will do well to give Mme. Latour a trial. ENGLISH is not what she seems. The foreigner who got so utterly left that there was not even a grease spot left of him, was the same man who thought it a safe thing | to sit on the safety valve, and to place con- | fidence in the confidence man. 4 i : vii Ans Sify 4s 1] | sZ if A, \\\it ANT Wi Ae Wink Ny 4, *) re ‘ / ayy ~ Sy LAE A PLEASURE BEFORE Our cook has got on to the rolling-skate mania. Mr. Cleveland as a Diplomatist. Some students (presumably of the Demo- cratic sex) belonging to a famous New York university, fell out last week on the pronun- ciation of Cicero’s name. Having no confi- dence in the faculty they applied to Gov. Cleveland, as being ez-officio the highest authority on such subjects, to decide the matter. And this is the Governor’s answer: ‘*My Dear ———! In reply to your in- quiry ‘whether the name of the great Roman orator should be pronounced Sisero, or Sik- ero, or Kickero,’ would state that the name should be pronounced Cicero. Faithfully Yours, G. Cleveland. When an eminent Democratic statesman who had lately returned from an unprofitable pilgrimage to Albany was shown the Gover- nor’sreply, he muttered the usual Democratic prayer, and then remarked ‘‘that’s Cleveland all over. Oh for an Albany wind that would show us which way the straw will blow after the fourth of March!” J. G. P. HoLpen, for over twenty years editor, and most of the time proprietor of The Yonkers Gazette, was on eae night, February 9, confirmed by the common coun- cil of that place, to be city treasurer of Yonkers. THE tory of the future—the crematory. But if this species of tory had flourished in the past, where were the pleasing mouldy ghastly quips and puns of the jolly grave-diggers and the grateful shady morals that the Lord Hamlet fetched out of the unincinerated brain pan of poor Yorick?—and where the astonishing stage doings in the tomb of the Capulets; and who that is in quest of true oetry would expect to find it in Gray’s Giens in a city crematory? BUSINESS. No home-made bread for one while. Seabee te Bis Sina

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, You are a nuisance one leg reaching across the aisle to trip You are a nutsanci We mean vou who tinually 1 leep in the « lopping your | about on passensers’ shouiders | THE mother of money—puarsin nena A Butt work of liberty—Magna Charta } Tue child is father of the man. When he plays he gambols. A LAP-poG—any kind of dog but the sad dog who pours it down. He found it in the hash and politely handed it over to the waiter girl. And now the bourding-house wags call him the hair-restor- er. THE mother country is England: but the mother-in law country scems to be the United States of America, else the U. S. of American newspapers lie without cess! Says a wild western Tennyson i3 played out our best English po try to-day is the home made. arti ic, So far, good; but the best Greek poetry we believe is the Homer-made article. = We mean you fel THE JUDGE. ELEVATED NUISANCES. a | | } | ~ B18 60 low sitting in the car with You are up other passengers. to get a nuisance! Wemean you who stop a twenty dollar bill changed and ask foolish questions of the ticket man. con You are the worst nuisance of all! We mean head you mashers, who stare every pretty woman out of countenance. ‘*Whirrul It.” ANx1oUs Mother writes: ‘‘ Our Augustus James is a noble young man, but he allows In sixty-three, when drafting was in vogue, his head to be turned hy every girl he meets— And men of thirty ceased to dye their hair, When many an honest man (and many a rogue) A military suit was forced to wear.— Tom Flynn, with thumping heart and pallid face, Stood with the crowd upon the court-house floor Crossing himself and asking heavenly grace To save him from the horrors of a war. Fresh from the drafting-wheel each chosen name Was loudly shouted thro’ the spacious hall; Another forced to fight sedition’s flame! Another doomed to face the rebel ball! Anxious the while, poor Flynn with listening ear, (And something different 10 a warrior’s mien) Heard the clerk read in thunder tones and clear The old familiar name of ‘‘ Mike Dinneen.” Swiftly toward the wheel he wildly ran, Thinking his name the next would sure ly be, And yelled “O! whirrul it! whirrul it! whirrul it, man! Ochone! That fellow lives next doore to me.” MARRY 8&8. CUESTER. how should he be treated?” Treat Augustus J. with mildness and lemonade. If you are so ill-advised as to treat a young man of A, J's constitution with brandy-and-harshness he will soon have no head left to speak of. Wov Lp Watterson, rampant freetrader as he is, like to see spring poetry put on the free list? We trow not; for Henry isa much enduring editor like the rest of us, and we believe that on that side of his ranch he would cheerfully vote for protective policy three feet by twelve, with iron spikes at the top. DANGER is the soul of brevity. The vil- lage editor who had been calling it ‘ the de- | vouring element” all his life, when the land- lady, whose sensibilities he had wounded by his thoughtless article on leathery beefsteaks, began pouring the dishwater down on his | passing head, cut it short for onee and yelled ‘ fire!” — —_ =e ee ee ee he eet ne eel

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% RAPID T * ; MAKING OUT THE BILLS ON A 7 GAS LOWER.—

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j i . | j ; AN EXPERIMENTAL DODGE. L = See ee os Will ony bill put in an appearance? ba . Le : , os . ia mest wrmngao raenemm neem Ty Two “wo “WILLINGLY ASSIST IN SOLVING THE PROBLEM BY REMAINING IN THE DARK. centre meron SN i SS KEROSENE IS ENTHRONED IN THE HOUSEHOLD AS A CHEAP SUBSTITUTE.* SAVING HOPED FOR. [ILLS ON A WHOLESALE SCALE. EUREKA! THE ELECTRIC. CHAMPION. — -—BILLS HIGHER.

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RS ety S mire) ~ ; al we , Jay. Vd > m has suddenly fallen from Mr. Carleton’s pl Mr. Stephenson’s long promis ve act come ‘ Impulse” has actually een laced on the stage of Wallack’s theatre. The ‘* Impulse” fever before this attacked numerous other cities, but everywhere except in London, wl ippeared, its course has been cut short. ‘There, atthe St James’ theatre, it ran for two hundred nights. It reached B Septe r, 1883, and broke out with consid Lb \ it The Boston Mi ( short time, notwithstanding fa that Miss Kate Forsyth was s| illy engaged to do duty as t mpulsive wife. Eric Bayley and his nedy company wi the means of exposing Ba ¥ ide] phia, and a fe W ad] it towns tothe malady, but the cities su ved the shock, The com- pany, however, unde 1 combined attack of “*“Tmpul e’ and ** ‘J ( was obliged to give up the g ) ‘ter all this New York i n ie disease. Mr. Wa | s with an attack ior a yea na 1¢ itastro- phe ] ju pet 1 by if pro- duction of other nov l now, just as we had almost forgotte i it ‘‘Impulse” it | ‘ ] ! | Vy eves Llow moearul t | Ve n il e can tel] It has been | tha Impulse is an adaptation fal ind does appear rather i 1 English in its sentimen i Here we have a wife, who imagines her husband col 1 neg Acting upon this convictio ( in old flirtation with a former | epares to fly with h m. Of cours the I [ 3 nterrupted, of course, her husband tes her to return home, and she is led to do so because her fathe is met with an accident. After a wh the wife begins to find out what a fine fellow her husband really is, when, ofcourse, the bad lover turns up again. Then there sal terview and the bad lover compells vife | threats to introduce him under ana ned name to her husband. Hus ind discovers the imposition, and there is ascene, and the bad loveris com- pelled to leavethe house. Aftera temporary absence he returns, enters wife’s room, and threatens and pleads with he She finally tells him that she loves only her husband. Husba l, of eou verhears the remark. Bad lover makes hasty exit. Reconciliation. Now, although there is nothing new in all this, the play is not by any means tiresome or uninteresting. There are plenty of good points and effective situations, and the com- pany at Wallack’s make the most of several bright and farcical d Like ‘‘Victor Durand,” the whole of ‘‘Im- pulse” might be given in a much shorter time, but what is a play good for, if it can’t keep people in their seats for three hours. alogues. THE JUDGE. Down at the Star, the Florences are hold- ing forth ina play by Jessop and Gill that Mr. Florence now calls ‘‘ Our Governor.” Last year the name of the piece was ‘ Facts.” Mr. Florence is still, however, ‘Pinto Perkins” the incorrigible liar, and Mrs. Florence is the same authoress Matilda Starr. Not quite the same though, for this season she comes forth in still more gorgeous attire than that she appeared in last year, and herein lies the change. Her naivete, while listening to the Governor’s remarkable | stories, and her ridiculous poetry are as amusing as ever. At the Grand Opera House, Maggie Mitchell, is playing in ‘‘Fanchon.” The cricket is rather advanced in years, to be sure, but he still chirps right merrily, and Fan- chon dances as gaily, and frisks about the stage in as lively a manner as she did a score of years ago. ; On Washington’s Birthday the opera of ‘ Patience” will be brought out at the Casino. Digby Bell, Ryley, Mary Beebe and Laura Joyce will be in the cast. ‘In Chancery,” by Pinero, is to succeed ‘A Private Secretary” at the Madison oquare. This is the last week of German Opera at the Metropolitan Opera House. If afew of the numerous skating rinks would now close their business at the theatres might improve. Mr. William Mill Butler, of Rochester, has for two years been engaged in compiling a Dramatic Dictionary, which will form, when finished, a complete text book of the stage. Dramatic critics, and indeed all lovers of the drama, will find this a valuable book of reference. doors. unfold,” said the learned It would soon curl ©] Coup a tale pig, ‘‘but what’s er use? up again.” THE looking glass is generally counted a vain and frivolous thing of fashion, yet it gives most of its time to reflection. SOME GOOD IN EVERY EVIL USE DYNAMITE TO SCATTER SULLIVAN. Epitaph. Sur un Vieux Garcon. Tuts stone conceals our friend Sam Saxe, Who, be it said "twixt you and me, Was daft on personal liberty. Scant place his record here exacts. His needs were few, his plans not vast; In fact, until the very last, Treading life’s humdrum, humbler tracts, He left to spouses high-clash facts For, we must own, he had of strife, As well as bondage, such disgust, That, though in jeopardy of rust, And deaf, to boot, he took no wife. But mending, darning, as he might, He found in quiet such delight, That when, one day, Death showed his knife, Sam just declined to strive for life. WM. STRUTHERS THE “DUDE.” His Habits, Mode of Living, and General Feeding-Grounds. THE muchness of the which makes me giggle, | The remoteness of the wherefore makes me wiggle. 30th the whatness I can find, And the howness of mankind, But the too-ness of the is Breaks my spine. The kingdom ov the globe hav always been devided inter 4 parts viz; via: namely, Animul, Vegtable, Mineral and Political, but the modern exgencies ov the times (that’s a good word, but it’ll be bald-heded soon, the boys overwork it so) demand a addition an’ it’s been named ‘‘ Esthetic.” Into this last kingdom the dude is crowded, an if he waz ever troubled with a disire to move ( vhich he izn’t), he’d have his hand-painted gloves full tryin’ to git round mongst the other anamulz what inhabit this kingdom, such az Japanese fans and umbrellas, vinegar jugs, broken china and lots of stuff under the jineral title ov ** Brick-a-brick.” It izn’t hard to tell a dude when you see it, but its pritty hard fer the dude to tell any- thing when he sees it. If you go long the street an’ see a thing standin’ on one foot and a stick, with hair dragged down round the edge of its head, (to keep it from rustin—anything will rust what izn’t uzed), you can gess its a live dude. Tt never looks az if twaz alive tho’, but that’s part ov the circus. It’s alwayz located on a stare, and if it’s a rich one it has gold rims round the stare. It’s usually got on clothes what resemble a crazy checker-bord: as if he had a cross-eyed mother what patched ’em with the line run- ning the rong direction. Sience sez the dude iz alwayz a male, but I gess if Sience wazn’t afraid ov his wife he might tell a different story. His boots are alwayz black, and shine like ‘|

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- Be ee ng ir d, ist le. ts la ms ea ed jn- ut he ike THE JUDGE. the roof of my 2 two uncles what are bare- footed on top ov there heds. He never goes out when it rains, coz he wouldn’t know nuff ter go in again. Hiz principal occupation iz putting the Inglish language out of joint. He says ‘‘ 2 nice for anything b’jove,” when hez tickled, and ‘* Dwedfully orful,” when he’s scar ter deth. He lives the life ov a butter-fli, a important diffrence being he never flis round under any circumstances, an’ the hevyest thing he waz ever known to carry waza plate ov ice-creme to the ‘*blondy” (that mens a gurl in Avs language) which he has fascinated. When he makes love (for he has ter make it), he calls it ‘‘ mashing.” After you explain a thing ter him az simple az you can, an ask if he understands, he says, “T'm fli.” (Enybody would think he waz one by the wa he crols). He usually rizes at 11 in the mornin’ and yornz hisself down stares. When other peo- ple eat dinner he ‘‘lunches,” an’ when Chris- tian folks is consumin supper he ‘‘ dines.” Oh, a dude’s a livin’ curiosty, he is, I'd like ter examin one under a microscope. Towards night he begins to paw over his engagements, an smell hisself up with essence ov lemon, and turn his cuffs round so az to uze the clean endz. If he’s goin where he has goter pa 50 or 65 centz, his first care 1z ter borrer it. ‘Then he puts some pomade onto his hed and holes it over the gas-jet till the front hare melts an’ runs down onto his 4hed in the proper dezine. In about 3 hours he iz reddy, an’, donnin’ his spring overcoat and winter cane, he sallys out ter the elevated rale road, the street carz, or private coop, whichever his father’s menes will best allow. Whatever the aparent uselessness ov a dude ma be, he sertenly fills a nitch inter society which has long existed. But the wind won’t moan an’ how! an’ sob thro’ that nitch any longer—not if the animul noz it an’ that iz one ov the fu things it doz no. P. 8.—There’s a nu feller in our skool named Harold D.Gush which evrybody calls the dude, and I dru onto mi observations ov him for material in compiling up this sketch, an’ when I got *bout harf thro’ reding it, the creture fired a ink-stand at me. This not bein’ one ov the usual privileges ov the skool, he waz chained up inthe seller. Ino he had ter sta after skool enyhow. I gess I’ll make up with him again—I don’t like to have enmies, even mungst the dude family, and he has a sperlended parler skating rink up at his house! ** CLYDE.” Passing in Their Chips. A siGH—a tear O’er shrouded bier,— A female dead! Her soul is fled, Because the mumps did choke her; * 7 * * * ** Ace high! ’—a tear From Gambolier,-— His ‘ fled! A ‘‘sport” is ‘‘ dead- Broke’ at the game of poker! ding-bats” J. ED. F. ‘S ELocuTIONIstT” asks whether it is true that the Hon. Greek Demosthenes became a great orater by speaking with pebbles in his mouth. Most true; but not his fault. Mr. D. was not an American statesman, but lived in @ barbarous country where the tobacco quid was unknown. A PRACTICAL GENT—** O thunder ! Johnny Bull Has a Business Talk With Billy Gladstone. AUTHENTIC ANECDOTES OF GLADSTONE. | **WitiramM, I have been hearing that sweet voice of thine for half a hundred years; listen to me now for one bad quarter of an hour. Thou art a good feller, William—a very good feller of trees, as everybody knows, and canst tell us all about Homer and his Illiad and discourse sweetly on the proper shape of an ax-handle; and art orthodox as a country church-yard, and the friend of the cherished beadle, and when the good parson prays, goest down regardless of dirt and thy breeches knees; and hast always on tap a flood of eloquence that can overflow my Parliament House whenever the bumptious Tory or the wild Irishman applies, and of such earnestness that it never fails to bring the knot in thy necktie right under thy left ear; and a conscience, William, thou hast so orobulgious that the newspapers sing of it. Moreover, William, thy respect for the Sab- bath, and thy pious rural exhortations to be diligent in the cause of jam! ‘These be good, bright points, Willie, my bright good boy, and if John Bull were a fond mother he would be proud of them but Look here, Bill Gladstone; I ain’t your mother, and I don’t care a British goddam about all your tea-table moralities and all your Admirably Crichton brilliancies, if I my income and to raise taxes to pay people to let this or that scoundrel pull my nose and singe my whiskers. It makes you feel good to be patted on the back by all the stalwart church-women of England, and there is no harm done; but when the bold bad men of ILLUSTRATION OF | with their complaints? find them good for nothing but to cut down | HIS PREJUDICE. I’m getting down on roller skates /” Lapvpy—‘*‘ Dear me, that is very evident.” blood and iron and brains and what not, who do business at Berlin and Paris and St. Petersburg say to each other, what a Chris- tian statesman Gladstone is, and what a conscientious, why then I’m blest if I don’t believe it’s time to look whether everything is really ready at Woolwich, and whether The Rock is victualled for a twelve-month’s siege. No, Bill, lam what I am because I never had religion enough to keep me from hitting the other party before he could get ready to have a lick at me, though I have enough to have all my bishops thank God for me when the fight is over and the other party is the under party. And we have not changed all that, by George! And you know Bill, if I wanted to rake up bygones what I could say of Aberdeen’s Quaker policy that cried ‘‘peace, peace,” yet drifted me all unprepared into that Crimean affair, where so many of my poor gallant boys perished in that infernal welter of ice and mud for want of a blanket and a loaf of bread. A Sunday school policy, Bill, 1 have always found more murderous than the loudest Jingoism. But hang the past. And out with it now, Bill—what have you been doing on my Australian plantation, that all the farmers there are pestering me Have you no eyes for these rascally Cossacks feeling the passes of the Hindoo Koosh with their long speers, and getting ready to ride the devil knows where if not down into my very Punjaub? Were you asleep when you allowed that im- pudent Dutch Cee peddler, Frelinghuy- sen, to drive his scaliwagg Jersey match of a coach and six, through one of my finest treaties as if it were no better than a hedge of cabbages? And that confounded never end- ing Irish business, that you told me was settled i fj | i i ' raw

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ANOTHER 1 He suddenly had faith in for good—do you call it good when there is not a bridge, or tunnel, or railway station in the United Kingdom but is in danger of being dynamited into kingdom come in quicker time than you could cut short one of your sen- tences? And worst of all, haven’t you in this beastly muddled Egyptian-Soudan—Congo New Guinea-Con-ferance business as as invited that big North German boor, Bis- marck, to slap me in the face, and expect to wipe it all away with a silk handkerchief and no harm done? Bill, this thing won’t do. I own that ] feel half ashamed, and half afraid, and al- together gory when [| think of it. I don’t enjoy being laughed at, and I have no mind to hear the rattle of German oaths and the roar of Krupp’s steel guns, and see the fine English sod torn up in a real battle of Dork- ing. If I had a fiery Pitt, now, or a lusty Palmerston to take this bully Bismarck by his ugly mustache, and give him a lesson in manners. Better even a blundering Cas- tlereagh, or a jingo like that shifty unchris- tian Ben Dizzy than a whole menagerie of Christian statesmen whose tender conscience makes them cowards. My good William Gladstone, I think you had better get out of this now, and make rvom for some capable bad man who can help me out of some of these scrapes. When | find myself in need of a watch-dog with a fine bark and mouth too mealy to meddle with the legs of a poacher, and with con- scientious scruples about flying at the throat of a burglar, I will ask you to look up one for me. good MACKHOWLY. First Words of Great People. It is only proper that great interest should be taken in the last words of celebrated men, and the last words of some living writers are awful slow coming, but their first words are entirely overlooked in the hurry and bustle of the world. Why should not the earliest lispings of the great be as important as tne latest? We have been at great expense, and had to tell a good many lies to get the follow- ing, which we embalm in the columns of THE JupDGE for the benefit of smart children yet unborn. ‘ A horse! My rubber baby for a rocking horse. — Richard I11. Give me a fulcrum on which to stand and | howl, and I’ll raise the world.—Archimedes. "ALTH his rheumatic CURE. legs, and found himself cured It seems that you are giving me the regular Plymouth Rock.—Gov. Winthrop. If any body attempts to haul down my vest I’ll spot him on the snoot.—//iz. What kind of a kid do you take me to be? —Capt. Kidd. , It’s hotter than——.— Bob Ingersoll. This is not the true cradle of liberty. —John Adams. much How sharper than a serpents’ thank it is to | be a toothless child.— Wark Twain. [ have conquered this house, show another.— Alex. the What a way they have of dressing my doll. — Dr. Mary Pedestrian. . Arab, be aisy with me now.— Mahomet. Me heap little Injun. Scalps ole man with my fingers. — Sitting Bull. Please, little rat, I'll tickle you with a straw.—Smart Aleck Pope. . Away with paragoric! Soothe me to sleep with proverbs.— Martin FP. Tuppence. Il am taken to the fount to be made clean: printers will go to the fount to be made dirty. (ruttenberg. Logan would not turn on his life to save his heel.—/J. A. Logan. Were I a man, as I amasick baby, I would welcome that doctor with a hospitable fist to a bloody nose- me (rreat, Tom Corwin. Give me an egg to suck instead of this bottle, and I will show you the earth is round. —C', Columbus. 3 [am alwaysin arms. Wait till they give me more Elba room.— Bonaparte. This is a cold, cold world.—C. FP. Adams. The words in my lexicon are small. They are young yet; and will grow.—N. Johnson. ; Don’t stand with the cordial near. I could paint the night with a few undying groans. —N. P. Willig. Soft you, a word or two before you go slow around my crib. Iam going to sleep, per- chance to dream. Let me shovel off this mortal coil awhile. —Shakspeare. I'll call and wake you early, wake you early, mother dear.— 7) nnyson. ; ll fight it out this summer if it takes the whole line.—(rant. Jolt me to sleep, mother; jolt me to sleep. — Walt WW hitman. | You bet when I get big I’ll bathe in a dry | tub. —Di ge ner. Our folks are always waiting for something | to dry up-— Mike A ube Ke Give me a chew of tobacco.— Lord Caven- dish. Let me give them a freedom shriek.— Kosciusko. What awful long dresses they put on me. | Never mind.— Lydia Thompson. Well, I never knew my mouth was made | for anything else but to squall.—D. Mos- thenes. Early to bed and early to rise makes a baby cross and unwise.—B. F. Franklin. ; Nice way to treat the father of your country. —G. W.- : [ believe they’ve stopt the circulation of of my blood. Harve y. They’ve vaccinated me all over with pins. — Jenner. See how the bull rushes.— Moses. Don’t chase the wolf from the Romulus. Take me up tenderly, lift me with care; | head where my feet should be, heels in the air.— Hood. door.— A. W. BELLAW. WHEN the pretty-well-advanced-in-years |} man goes not to the druggist’s from whom he has been buying his shaving soap and hair brushes since his teeny ages, but to the drug | store at the other end of town, and there in- vests aten in every sort of fragrant thing from granulated musk to pure cologne water, while he confidentially explains to the simple | minded, grinning drug-clerk that ‘‘all the children are wearing carbolic acid round their necks, and I want something to scatter round the house you know, to keep down the ‘infernal smell,” and then goes to the new music store where nobody knows him, picks out an accordion, says, ‘* how much?” pays it down, declines a polite invitation to ‘bette: try it;” explains that he knows nothing and cares nothing about these things himself, but just bonght it for one of the little girls that has been plaguing him for something of th kind all winter, and is nervously in haste to have it tied up quickly, but without any fuss; acts in fact as if the transaction was contra- band and must not be seen by the public or police. Why then, be dead sure that a beautiful green spot is breaking out in that sandy heart which will be likely soon to end in fatal happy marriage. Mother and Child. ade you shove that cup off the table I'll whip you,” said a mother to her daughter. The girl shoved the cup off. ‘‘Pick up that cup or I'll whip you good.” The girl did not pick up the cup. ‘‘Go and sit down there or P'll whip you.” ‘The girl didn’t go and sit down. ‘* Come here to me.” The girl didn’t come. ‘‘ Ain’t you ashamed of yourself?” *«* Yessum.” | **No, you’re not. I’ve a great mind to whip you for telling meastory. Oughtn’t I to whip you, say?” ** No’me, for you tell stories. You said you’d whip me and you didn’t,” and she | kicked up her heels and scampered away. Mothers should be careful to speak the truth. — { rk GNSS Trave Ne x Mrs. TATTLER (who has been describing at length the virtues of her numerous chil- dren)—‘‘ And this is my son, the canon.” Holworthy (becoming somewhat bored)— ‘*Ah, yes, [ have always heard that there were a great many big guns in your family.” Harvard Lampoon : ;

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Their ‘Rhenatie. THE sleigh bells tinkle The moon shines cold and bright, And Claribell’s laugh cheerily Rings out upon the night. merrily, The grind and crackle of the snow Is music to her ear. She only thinks *‘ how fast we go!” nor fear; Happy behind the flying span Nor has she care She sits beside her Will, Who thinks, ‘‘ I wonder if I can Get trusted for the bill?” — Boston Poss. His Busiest Season. First Dupe—‘* Aw, Chawley, my dear boy, what a wattlin pace you ar goin’ this mornin’.”’ Second Dude- dear fellow. ‘Aw, yes, Fitznoodle, my Don’t detwain me, I’m hard ai work. This is the busiest season of the year to me——” ** By jove, Chawley, what are you doin’. Improv isin a German?” ‘No, I’m dodgin’ my creditors.” — Weekly Call. Knew What it Was For. ‘*THANK you, sir,” said the polite stranger, as he picked himself up from the side walk, whither he had been thrown by ra ping over Slimboy’s cane; ‘“‘ thank you. Now I know what you carry that thing for, and why you carry it in that way. Thank you, sir; my curiosity is gratified at last.”—Detroit Free STUFFED owls are considered the correct thing now for room ornaments, to put on book cases, brackets, ete., and Mugwump bought one for his mother-in-law that is to be. The family were all assembled in the and he was was greatly boy of the when he came in, received cordially, and the owl admired. Presently the small household asked: ** Do owls like liquor, eno. | not,” makes you think so?” ‘Why, I heard pa say ‘Tush up, James! Go out and bring in a plate of apples,” interrupted his father sternly. “Well, Mugwump ‘Will you shut up?” **As drunk as a b’iled owl the day after the Chapman fire!” and he slid out just in time to escape his father’s clutches. There was an embarassing silence minute, when Mugwump said: sitting-room Mr. Mugwump?” replied he, ** what guess ” you did say that you saw Mr. for a ‘You were correct, M - Goodpere, but I haven't touched a drop since, and never will again as long as I live, Miriam is not afraid to trust me.” ** It’s all right, my boy—neither am I; but how these confounded speeches do bob up again when one least expects them. Boys have ears. ”"—Peck’s Sun. JuDGE T in the ap plication of Mrs. Storey, widow of the late | proprietor of the Chic ago Times, for a yearly allowance from the estate pending the decision of the will contest. The re- ceiver of the estate was ordered to pay Mrs. Storey six hundred dollars per month for household e xpenses, and it seems as if every- an’ man that takes hur in 'ULEY lately rendered his decision thing might run along smoothly now in this | case. With due economy that sum ought to run the house.—Peck’s Sun. | this notice: THE JUDGE. See where she lies, and her bright and black, half chiding, of her back sliding hant Traveler. ‘“*Owsthe weather?” ‘Hit’scold.” ‘Ot enough for me.” blooded eh?” Any one trying to guess where the laugh comes in will be dynamited on the spot. Pretzel’s Weekly. eyes, Gaze skyward, half pleading, As she tenderly presses the small Gainst the place where the boys had been Ver Aw exchange asks, ‘*‘ Does dairying pay?’ Judging from the strong he althy condition of our boarding-house “butter, we should think it did pay a big per scentage.—S/. Paul Herald. THe Hudson River ice crop is reported a failure, and ice men are despondent. They are afraid their customers will be compelle d to pay four prices next summer to see the ice wagons go by.— Texas Siflings. For seven years a New Hampshire me- chanic made a circuit of half a mile twice per day rather than pass a powder-house. = The other day he learned that it had been empty for eight years. Detroit Free Press. THE present Emperor of Russia is said to be one of the strongest men in the empire. Yet a baby lisping the bare word ** Nihilist” will break him up as badly as an editor who has lost a nickel out of his week’s salary and don’t know where to look for Lowell Citizen. Aw Indiana paper advertises a fine pig-skin saddle for sale at that office for half its value. The editor probably did not think what a ‘* pointer” he was giving the party who lost the horse. Look out for accountsof a lynch- ing matinee soon in the Hoosier State.— Peck’s Sun. THE Kentucky State Journal says that Andrew Jackson could not spell any better than Josh Billings. He could not spell so well, for Josh, when hurried, sometimes spells “a word correctly. Hurry nor worry never forced Jackson to such an extremity. Traveler. A WOMAN may fret and chafe because the pudding is overdone, or get her nerves all in- to asnarl if her husband happens to bring home company to dinner unexpectedly, but when it comes to wrapping up a sore finger , Arkansaw | she stands at the top of the hcap, witha mien free of vinegar and a touch lighter than day. Chicago Ledger. A Deapwoop (Dakota) husband published ‘My wife, Sarah, has Shot my ranche, When I didn’t Doo a thing Too her I want it distinctly Understood that any an’ kee ps hur account will get himself pumped so Full of On my lead, that some tender foot will locate him for a Mineral clame. A word Too the wise is sufficient, an’ orter work on fools.”’— Chicago Sun. G. M. D. Walking down Broadway is very pleasant when you feel well, and T—— K- never felt better than when his friend asked him how he got over that severe cough of his so speedily. *¢ AX. my boy,” gaid 'T-——.. ** G. M. D. did it!” And his friend wondered what G. M. D. meant. He knew it did not mean a Good many Doctors, for T—— K—— had tried a dozen in vain. ‘‘I have it,” said he, just hitting the nail on the head, ‘‘ you mean Dr. Pierce’s ‘Golden Medical Dis- covery,’ or Gold Medal Deserved as my friend J S always dubs it.” Sold by drug- gists. He’d a Poem. HE'D a poem, had the poet And he sought the sanctum dim Hoping for a chance to show it To the editor so grim He'd a poem, had the poet On the Rosy Cheek of Dawn,” And he got a chance to show it, Poem poet, both are gone, Boston Post. A WRITER says: ‘* Life shorter than death.” Any one can see that; four letters in one and five in the other.—Brooklyn Times. j A 'TEXAsS man has been sent to - for having six wives. ‘Texas men may be bad, but no one questions their bravery. Phila- di Iphia Call. FoGce thinks the subscribers of the Weekly Clarion snould be happy all the year round. No news is good news, he says, and he doesn’t know of any paper which persistently con- much good news as the Weekly Boston Transe ript. , tains so Clarion. ‘So Mr. Blank was here vant ‘Yes, sir.” ] said, ] sup pose? take umbrage?” ‘*] if he did, he’ll bring it particular gentleman, Transcript. to-day?” Ser- ‘And you told him what ‘Yes, sir.” ‘* Did he didn’t notice, sir; but back. He’s a very you know! ”’—Boston Ir is the young lady with the brand new sealskin who is ever remarking, ‘*‘ How aw- fully cold it is,” while her less fortunate sister, with nothing but a summer jacket, is ‘just suffering from the heat,” though the thermometer be twenty degrees below zero. Boston Transe ript. ‘Wuart's all this talk about a Cabinet for Cleveland. Deary me, there’s that old cabi- net Jeremiah made me to keep the linen in, if it was varnished up ’twould be real nice and I'll sellit cheap too,” said Aunty Rarabee last evening when Samuel told her how the newspapers were busy making a cabinet for the next president. — Brooklyn Times. PHYSICIANsand Druggists recommen Iron Bitters as the Best Tonic, Com ,it quickly and com}; th > vec etable tonics es j Dyspe a a tion, Weakness, im- pure Blood, Mala- ria, © — and Fe- 1 Brown's one F on ve rad Neuralgia. An unfading remedy tor Diseases of the Kidney sua ma jee In tuable f ir Diseases pecul ator men, and all who lead sedentary lives | sand pu m of food, re- st x, stin esHeartburn iat ape “TRON: ala assin luscies & nerves cause headache 7) vation; all other dt ous contieiae a Genuine has BITTER a Sue e ross “ rm tran “ BROWN caumueae co. ‘Gahone oe | day easily FOR ALL! ! $5 to $8 per prt stly outfit FREE. Address oO. VIC KERY, Augusta, Maine. COMIC SONGS! Great Exits ofthe Day!! Lillian Grubb’s, ‘‘ How to be a Masher Dollie Howe's ‘‘Its Wonderful, Isn’t It?” Boody Song ‘‘ A Boy’s Worst Friend is //is Unel Rollicking Song, ‘‘ Down de Rollin’ Brazos.” tre"Price, by Mail, postpaid, 40 Cts. 8 ADDRESS LILI CIAL IG RIT TQIUA ares — =.= Pe ee eo ae ee ees New York. TAh ker Teer TA Sun Building, 166 Nassau Street,

Page 14

14 THE JUDGE. It is said that Daniel Webster could never go through the streets of Boston without at- tracting attention. ‘This may be. Boston streets are fearfully crooked, and Daniel was not a teetotaler.— Philadelphia Call. A CoNNECTICUT military inventor is trying to sell a poisonous air boom, which desce nds upon the foe and asphyxiates eve rybody with- | in a radius of 100 feet. evidently street cars. The gentleman has good deal on winter Journal, traveled a —fonurier CONSUMPTION CURED. ed from practice, having had placed ia missionary the formula of asim rtl dy and permanent cure of ‘ tarrh, Asthma and all throat and Lung affe ons, also a positive ee radical cure for Nervous Debility and ill Nervous Complaints, after having tested its wonderful curative powers in thousands of cases, has felt it his duty to make it known to his suffering fellows. Actuated by this n e and a de sire to relieve » hams an suffering, I will send free of charge, t all w i t, this recipe, in German, Fr hort sh, Ww fu ctions for preparing and using Sent by mail by addressing g with stam ip, naming this paper, W 4. NOYES, 49 Power's Blo Rochester, N. Y. BEHNING FIRST CLASS | whiskey Ir this is an open winter, why in thunder don’t somebody shut the door!—AMerchant Traveler. THERE’s many a dynamiter who is afraid to give his mother-in-law a blowing up.— Boston Courier. **Wuat would you do for still in the world drink if every were closed?” | thundered a temperance orater. GrandSquare éd Upright FPIAWNOS. 3 W. 14th St. & 129 B. 126th St. New York. Warervoms : Factory, N. E.-corner 12% st. and Ist ave., ara at WATUEP’S an enh Se Aon) Net ce Nee Ss et ats sri ilinn o tee ee dA ey 60 JOHN STREET, N. Y.. Black and Colored Type 2 and Lithographic PRINTING INKS. This —_— is P sated With Our Inks, HOME SCHOOL FOR PHYSICAL CULTURE, 19 E. FOURTEENTH 8T. FOR GENTLEMEN, LADIE AND YOUTHS Instruction § Private. Send for Pamphict. The Home EXERCISE! the best home Send for Circular L. DOWD. vised. Something new PROF. D. gymnasium ever de ANY LADY MADE BEAt TIFUL! THE FORM RBEAUTI LY AND PERMAN THE NLY METHOD KNOWN T THE SKIN BLEACHED BEAUTIFULLY Wrinkles, Pit Moles, Moth ads and superfluous hair permanently removed. Hair, 1d lashes restored and dyed any shade. Circl’s and testimonials 6 cents MADAME LATOUR, 2146 Lexington Ave. N. ¥. WHITE. Blackhe brow &, ar tings, Freckles, i 1 Fare oe ¢, we Ww ‘ s t r patchw 7 ° nda Lovely Pongee Sil te ‘Handk erchie Address ‘AM SRICAN CO., CENTERBROOK, ‘CONN. The New “ Hartford’ AOORN SELLER FRE eaiestw hell ar actured, @i« theon beseparaling ra that le net forever out of 3 e of Fa m In he ~ a wn an a le Shelier, 7 I n who w rt his ad vertisemer mu at once, t i faith will be shipped y« Adare a3 3. He BABCUCK & CO., CENTERBUUK, CONN and the She ure Mree & Nervous Debillty n - 2 Db 4 specials (now re- tired.) Drug seen 2 Adidre DR. WARD ‘& 6o.. LOUISIANA, ua CONSUMPTION. _t have a positive reme ly forthe above disease , by it sar # of cases of the worst kind a 1 oflong s an hav ot peencured. Indeed, soastrong ocnyhauh tn itocibenet tI willsen ATWO sor TLES FREE , together with a V = U ABI E TREATIS Fon thisdisease,toanyanfferer. Give press & P.O. aduress. DR. T. A. SLOCUM, 181 Poarlst. N. ¥ ‘Drink beer,” came a voice from the gallery.— Brooklyn Times. A VERMONT farmer reports that he made a profit of $253 from six hens the past season. He sold them early in the spring and conse- quently had to plant his garden only once.— Somerville Journal. A GRAND Rapips man was kicked down stairs ten years ago. Saturday he secured a verdict for $8,000 damages. Itseems to have taken a long time to prove to the jury that he was not a book agent.— Philadelphia News. THE Dublin authorities have presented Mr. Parnell with the freedom of the city. From the reports that have recently reached us from that ‘‘ distracted country,” it not supposed that Ireland had any freedom to spare Herald. ‘“My wife is really getting complimen- tary,” remarked Fogg. ‘‘ Ah! how’s that?” asked Brown. ‘*Why, she came mighty near speaking of my beautiful raven locks.” ** Tlow near for instance?” ‘*Why, she said my head looked like a crow’s nest.” — Boston Trans ript. _—_— Vorristown Smuiru—** Hello, Jones! What are you at now?” Jones—‘‘I am going to start a daily paper to fill a long-felt want.” ‘* But you know nothing about journalism, and besides you have not the capital to employ those who do.” True, but I’ve got about a half aton of wood-cuts.”—Philadelphia Call. lik was playing whist, and taking up a hand bristling with spots, and wholly lacking trumps he scornfully said; ‘Bring me a cat, will you?” ‘* What for?” ished partner. ‘* Why, play with.” Silence as of the grave followed and the wind howled without.— Boston Globe. ‘We’RE got a new dollie at our house, we is!’ exultingly exclaimed a young lady of very tender years while on a visit to Mother- wife’s the other day. ‘Why, that’s real nice. Is it a pretty dollie? > asked Mrs. M. | ‘Oh, no, it ain’t putty a bit, but it’s alive! ”— Washington Hatchet. ** WHERE is your son John, now?” inquired Aunty Rarabee of Mrs. Rogers, whose son went west a year ago. Ah, Aunty; poor Johnny has gone to that bourne from which no traveler returns,” replied the mother. ** Deary me, you don’t say so? That’s just | the way with my boy, I can never get him to | leave Chicago.”— Brooklyn Times. We accidentally overheard the dialogue on the street yesterday. Jones why don’t you stop that disgusting hawking and spitting? Smith—How canl1? You knowl am a martyr to catarrh. asI did. I had the disease in its worst form, but I am well now. S—What did you do for it? J—I used Dr. Sage’s Catarrh cured me and it will cure you. S—I’ve heard of it, and by Jove I'll try it. J—Doso. You'll find it at all the drug | stores in town following temedy. It | Was | asked his aston- | I want something to | United States Mutual ACCIDENT Association, 320 Broadway, N.Y. ACCIDENT. INSURANCE At Half the Usual Rates of Other Companies. TFIEe YX ITRErReLIyTwo FEE, $5. mMmoewwiDe worl The United States Mutual Accident Association, $20 and 322 Broadway, New York. The best in the World. Thousands of claims paid. No valid claims contested or unpaid $5,000 ins costs $13 urance, with a Year. $25 a week Indemnity; JAMES R. PITCHER, Sec’y. CATARRHT 51's Cream Balm the Head. Gives Quick Relief. Allays tion. Healsthe Sores Cleanses Inflamma- Restores the Senses of Taste and Smell. A Positive Cure, Not a Liquid nor Nnoff. by mail, registered. Send fur circular Sample by mail 10 cents. ELY BROTHERS, Druggists, Owego, N. Y. Hidden Name, Embossed anid New Chreme Cards, name in new type, an Elegant 48 page Gilt bound Floral Autograph Album with quotations, 12 page Illustrated Premium and Price Listand Agent’s Canvassing Outfit, all forl5icts. SNOW & CO., Meriden, Conn. Send $1, $2, 3, or $5 for a retail box, by expreas, of the best candies in Amer ica, put up elegantly, and strictly pure Suitable for presents. Refers to all Chicago. Address, GUNTHER, Confectioner, 78 Madison 8t., Chicago. MUST BE USED. Dr. Young's s Patent Electric Belts. FOR THE CURE OF NERV OUSNESS, NERVOUS DEBIL ITY LOSS) OF MANHOOD, WEAKNESS OF BODY AND , “HEALTH RESTORER” MIND, YOUTHFUL ERRORS, TRADE MARK Cag KC A MEDICAL WORK TO —Z BE GIVEN AWAY, showing sufferers how they may be cured Stre ngth and Manly Vigor, WITHOUT ill be sent free by post on receipt d envel pe Address, Dr. W. YOUNG, 445 tS? Mention this paper. d recover Health, t AID OF MEDICINE of stamped directe Canal Stre et, New York. The Famous English Custard Powder — Produces DELICIOUS CUSTARD WITHOUT EGGS, at HALF THE COST AND TROUBLE, Sold in Boxes at 18 ceé nts, sufficient for 3 pints, and 36 “aR S: * nts, su fei - nt for 7 ' pints, LUXURY Inventors & Manufacture ." Aspen Birp & Sons, Birmingham, PASTRY JEVANS& SHOW EL L, Philadelphia, Pa, and an 21 Park Place, New York, Sole Agents for U. SYS EETS|s. 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| | dickey.

| Which illustrates the old saying

IT is the shiftless man who —Philad lph ia Call. **Goop bye sweet tart,” said the tramp as he swallowed it.—Carl Pretzel. buys a paper WHAT is my opinion of te mptation? It is a field full of flowers to an empty bee.— Merchant Traveler. IN three million years the world will be a | solid mass of ice, so say the scientists. And yet there has been anxiety about the season’s | ice crop.—Hartford Post.

*< JUMPIN’ Jehosaphat, Sam, look at that ere stick of candy,” was the wondering ex- clamation of an East End Long Islander, as he saw for the first time a barber pole.— | Brooklyn Time S Tut pe ople of Galveston keep up the de- mand for more water on the bar. In Austin | such a thing never worries folks. What the latter want on the bar is more whiskey.— Texas Siftings. , THORNE isthe name of the police inspector who stopped the fight between Ryan and Sullivan in New York on Monday night. that there is ~ Hatchet editors in Missouri, ymputation of one of the brotherhood. is $17.79 a week. You might know that an editor made the calculation or the 79 cents wouldn’t have been counted in. Burlington Free Press. A RING around the moon is a sign of rain and a ring around the eye is a sign of blow. ——_A new poem by Tennyson is announed. Truly England is having a hard time of it just now.— Boston Post. no rows without a thorn. THE average lary of acc ording to the « THE new literary venture.—Editor to cotributor—‘** Your story is too long for one Contributor—‘* Well, then, print it Editor (reflecting seriously)—‘*‘My there will not be two Trave f Ps issue.”’ in two.” dear sir, d { rkhansaw issues, — First theatre-goer—‘‘I understand that | Stagestrut is starring now. Wonder what | | part he takes?” Second ditto—**Part! bless | self.”— Boston Trans¢ ripe.

| wants a husband; you, he takes the whole. The support has to get along the best way it can and find it- LIEUTENANT—‘‘ There is nothing like presence of mind. One day in battle a soldier near me had four teeth knocked in by a rifle ball, which would surely have passed through his spinal column and killed him had he not, with rare presence of mind, quickly Ri latter. swallowed the ball.”’—-F liegend LAwYER—*“‘ I have very bad news for you and hope you are prepared for it. The ver- dict is murder in thefirst degree.” Prisoner —‘* First degree?” ‘* Yes; I did my best, but it was no use. Nothing could save you. I concluded to tell you the worst at once and save you from further suspense.” ‘* Ah! the suspense is yet tocome.”— Philad Iphia Call, THE seven ages of woman: At twelveshe wants to wear long dresses, with a trail that will sweep up cigar stumps; at sixteen she wants to be ‘‘a great actress; at eighteen she wants a sweetheart; at twenty-one she at twenty-five she wants him to stay home in the evenings; at twenty- | eight she wants her own way; at thirty she wants a divorce.—Pitishurg Chronicle- Tele- graph. Colds. fevers and inflamations broken up by Dr. Pierce’s Extract of Smart-Weed. | Five Best Value is unequalled, | read by many people, but | from | everywhere, is and intelligence, and ADVERTISING “THE JUDGE” AN LUSTRATED COMIC WEEKLY. |'CLEVER; WITTY ; SARCASTIC, ISSUED EYERY WEDNESDAY MORNING. F . I R » Jr wool 1 1 iN 1L@rS Dollars a2 Years: OM mye y Nee et es THE JUDGE IS THE Ever Ofered for the Mo ALL THE Swat Os Dae ato ILLUSTRATED A CORPS OF ABLE ARTISTS. TA RHE PTEerp.ea. 4 Pil’ X¥ fe fii iiwrefiw. As an advertising medium THE JUDGE each copy not only being being preserved week. THE week to JUDGE goes read by people means meets t CREAM OF THE CHASING CLASSES. hie CVt of THE PUR- RATES APPLI¢ FURNISHED ON ATION. BUY IT; READ IT: | SUBSCRIBE FOR IT. THE JU 324-328 DGGE, NEW YORK. ~~, ; Nh i 4

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oF \WOW a >. Ww WOLVES AAS TORDER o* GOV ERNMENT OPE CINE DEATH VO \w SX MPA H WE RE gut TH FB. SATAN SUPERCEDED HIS SATA NIC MAJES TY—‘*"I abdicate m ci y kingdom in favor of spirits more diabolical than myself.”