Judge 1884-11-29: Vol 7 Iss 163

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THE JUDGE. PUBLISHED ONCE A WEEK. TERMS TO SUBSCRIBERS UNITED STATES AND CANADA.) IN ADVANCE. One copy, one year or 2 numbers $5.00 One copy, six months, or 26mumbers . . «+ + +e « » 2.50 One copy. for 13 weeks ° ° eee 1.35 Address, THE JUDGE PUBLISHING 324, 326 COMPANY, and 328 Pearl St., NEW YORK. | CORRESPONDENTS §@7" CORRESPONDENTS WILL PLEASE TAKE NOTICE THAT THEY SEND Mss. TO THIS OFFICE AT THEIR OWN RISK WHERE STAMPS ARE ENCLOSED WE WILL RETURN REJECTED MATTER AS FAR AS POS SIBLE, BUT WE DISTINCTLY REPUDIATE ALL RESPONSIBILITY FOR SUCH IN EVERY CASE WHERE A PRICE IS NOT AFFIXED BY THE WRITER, CONTRIBUTIONS WILL BE REGARDED QUENT CLAIM FOR REMIT NERATION WILL BE ENTERTAINED. AS GRATUITOUS, AND NO SUBSE AT LAST. WELL, it mains pretty much where it was before. A deal of waved, a good many soiled shirts have been good bloody shirts have been publicly laundried, and any amount of Karl Schurz has been ventilated, but the country | stood it. THE Grover Cleveland on his election. congratulates We did has JUDGE not think he was the proper man for the | place, but the American people did, and it is just possible that the American people know | what they want even better than THE JUDGE can tell them. Now that the serious business is over, the comedy will commence, and we confess to a feeling of amused curiosity as we pause to see how Geo. William Curtis will with his new political companions; how far the stalwart Republicanism of Roscoe Con- kling will mingle with the theories of South- ern Democrats, and whether the Rev. Henry Ward Beecher really thinks he helped Grover Cleveland’s cause, or whether he is not secretly jealous of Dr. success as a clerical politician. Burchard’s superior All this will keep us well amused during the reign of King Grover I. THANKSGIVING. THE knell of the turkey has sounded, and good dinners all over the land are now in order. By proclamation of President and Governors, and in accordance with ceremon- ial usage, next Thursday is set apart as a day of thanksgiving. Under these circum- stances it behoves thinking men to pause and ponder over such special causes for thankful- | ness as may exist. The Democrats—those dear Democrats— enjoy their thanksgiving dinner this year. THE JUDGE. Their candidate has been elected by a micro- scopic majority, and unless appearances belie him, he is not a man to stint himself at a thanksgiving or any other banquet. Decided- ly, the Democrats have much to be thankful for. After a quarter of a century of wan- dering in the desert, what a pleasant city will Washington appear! Verily, a land flowing with milk and honey. And if they have much to be thankful for, they have also many to be thankful to. They have Schurz—that peculiar genius is all over, and the country re- get along | being very hungry and very thirsty, should | whose principles never have been suffered to becloud his talents; they have George Jones, the flip-flap editor, who has exhibited a ver- satility in the matter of his convictions un- surpassed in history. They have Brother Beecher, who has already dried the tears he wept on Cleveland’s neck, and has adjusted his napkin in perfect content, ready to fall to on the viands which emphasize his thanks- giving. And they have Dr. Burchard, whose emptiness of head, and partiality for an al- literatively rounded sentence ought, if there | be any gratitude in man, to give him a seat very near the throne when King Grover gets to Washington. Yes, it is a high old thanksgiving for the | Democrats. And we, of the other way of | thinking, have cause for thankfulness too, if ' our minds were but attuned to see it. Gov- ernor Cleveland promises to inaugurate an era of reform. In sooth, there is abundant room for it, and as reform, like charity, should begin at home, the new president’s first step in that direction will probably take the form of a wedding, which is the only way that occurs to us whereby he can reform a long-standing abuse and lay the ghost of Heary Ward Beecher | would doubtless be pleased to tie the knot. | | an unburied scandal. For the rest, the contented mind will find cause for thankfulness in every dispensation of Providence. THE JuDGE feels just as | thankful as the occasion demands—neither more nor less; | ulates his Democratic friends who have been | hungry and but he very sincerely congrat- thirsty solong, on the exception- ally good dinner that waits for them. ACCEPTING THE VERDICT. IN marked contrast to the violent vapor- | ing of the Independent press, has been the calm, courteous and dignified tone of the Republican journals in the crisis through which the state and country has just passed. While the result was still in doubt the Her- ald and kindred papers violently claimed the The Herald had nothing to base | the claim on save its own ipse dizit. It said, in effect, ‘‘ we have the election because we know we have it; no matter how the count Blood, Sack Herald.” And as the Herald shouted, so the smaller fry, the Worlds, Truths, etc., yelped. ‘‘We said they all. ‘‘ We election. goes, we are not going to give it up. rapine, torch, fire, mob, whoop la! the city, but don’t contradict the want this election,” | mean to have it. We are not going to be Why don’t the other people give it to us at once! ” robbed. And all this time the result was confessedly so close that an error of less than two thous- and votes would have turned the scale either way. ‘The official count demonstrated that Cleveland’s plurality was little more than one thousand. His victory hung upon less than one-tenth of one per cent of the votes in New York state. If ever a fair and im- partial canvass of the votes of a state was The and **count the votes, we claim nothing. We are ready to abide the issue and bow to the will of the people.” necessary, this was the occasion for it. Republican papers stood calmly aside, said, There was nothing in the attitude of any Republican to excuse or even to call for such incendiary articles as appeared in the Independent press. Neither had that Independent any better grounds at the time for claiming the state for Cleveland than had the Republican papers for claiming it for Blaine. It re- mained to be determined by actual count, and an error of one tenth of one per cent— one irregular vote in a thousand—would have have turned the scale either way. We have little doubt but that, if the actual count had been but a little in Blaine’s favor instead of a trifle in Cleveland’s, those fire- brand Independent papers would have in- cited the foolish people to a riot. Then blood would have been spilled, property damaged, and justice would have had her way next March, and the chosen of the peo- ple would have entered the White House. When Solomon delivered his famous judg ment, the rightful mother of the child cried out that its life be spared, even if it were taken from her. The false mother was in- different. Ifshe could not have her way peaceably, she was ready to welcome the sword as a solver of the difficulty, even at the sacrifice of the life that should have been dearest to her. press The two women typify the Democracy once showed that she would rather cut the Union in two than surrender it to its rightful mother. The Herald was the mouth-piece of the copper- heads then, and was only coerced into loyalty by the shot guns of a party of gentlemen who thought the moment ill-chosen for the publication of mob-inflaming editorials. Had Mr. Blaine been elected, the Herald would probably have been read the same lesson over again. We should think that the Bennett family would, in time, get cured of their par- tiality for blood and buncombe. two parties. ROSCOE CONKLING. Some time ago Mr. Roscoe Conkling, re- garding himself as avery much injured man, retired from politics in a very apparant man- ner. He made his withdrawal as emphatic and protesting as possible. He had not been treated right, and he knew it and felt it, and he wasn’t going to stay any longer. Thus Roscoe the stalwart. But the whirli-

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THE JUDGE. gig of time brings strange changes. Roscoe is back on his old political stumping ground, and he came back there to beat Blaine. He does not like Blaine; he never did; and he reentered politics not that he hated Cleve- land less, but that he hated Blaine more. 3ut steps cannot be counted in a campaign, and a political promenade may become a journey before you get through with it. The result is that the campaign of *84 has left the stalwart Republican, Roscoe Conkling, ¢ Democrat or thereabouts. And with Conkling in opposition another interesting reflection arises. [low wonderful has been Blaine’s political vitality. First of all, recollect the infinitessimal plurality which Cleveland secured over him in New York state. Recollect, further, that Cleve- land’s majority in the state two years ago was close on two hundred thousand, instead ofa beggarly ten or eleven hundred as it is to-day. And then consider the various elements that Blaine had to overcome. First there was the straight Democratic party—excepting always those who could not swallow Cleve- land—a party that is supposed in itself to be strong enough to class New York asa doubt- ful state. ‘Then the Independents, a party which came straight from the Republican ranks to reinforce the Democrats. The members of the party were influenced in their opposition to Blaine by a mixture of motives. Some were envious of him; others had a malicious dislike to him; to others he had been merely misrepresented; while a great many came over to the Democrats simply because they had been found out by the Republicans and knew that their season for picking and stealing had ended. All these elements joined earnestly with the Demo- crats, and out heroded Herod in their efforts to beat Blaine. But Blaine was not beaten yet, nor would he have been had not Roscoe Conkling exerted his powerful influence among the stalwarts and annihilated the Garfield ma- jorities in several of the counties. And to crown all, some inspired idiot in the Republican committee gave Dr. Burchard an opportunity to wag his tongue where it could do most harm; estranged countless thousands of Catholic votes, and gave Cleve- land New York by a few hundred majority. That is, without reckoning the Republi- can votes which were diverted to St. John and his absurd canvass, and which alone, if cast for the reguiaz ticket, would have been sufficient to give the state to Blaine by a handsome plurality. Yes, Blaine is beaten, but it took a big combination to do it. ance folks all pulled together and just suc- ceeded in pulling the election out of the fire by a majority of one-tenth of one per cent of the total vote cast. If any one of these fac- tors had failed, the Maine man would have reckoned his majority by several thousands. Blaine has proved a hard man to beat. Democrats, Inde- | pendents, Stalwarts, Catholics and temper- PROSPECTS OF THE MAN WHO HAS VOWED NOT TO SHAVE TILL THE DEMOCRATS VOLUNTARILY EVACUATE WASHINGTON, The Poet’s Wail. Ir I'd a dime For ev'ry rhyme That I could write with reason, I'd be as rich As Vanderbilt and sich Afore another season. But as it is, Tis a very poor biz, And he that follows it, loses; I'd rather work, And live on pork, Than feed upon the muses, 4 3 Q THE pet of the family should think twice | before she rejects the Russian prince or the French count. He may be a coachman in disguise. Henry IRVING says that the Americans eat with more intelligence than any other | people on earth. He probably means when | they have the honor of eating with him. Monographs. DIES IRA. Now palpitating nature seems to hush In awed expectancy of him Who annually enters, slick and slim, The editorial presence grim, And lays upon the desk a roll of gush, The godless editor of speech is slow, But lightning-like in deed is he; A club he seizes, and with fiendish glee Fells, as sturdy woodman fells the tree, | That blooming writer of ‘‘ Beautiful Snow.” | Roped in—the man who is hung. | y ° . 9 ° | When a fellow steps on his girl’s favorite | corn, does it bring things between them toa | ery-sis? Don’t strive after things that are beyond | your reach, my boy; don’t try to do that | which you know can’t be done. Remember the old Spanish saying, ‘‘ Better ride on an Se AEE GS ig’ ey ee

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THE JUDGE. Water Rat Goutp—‘ Three cheers for Cleveland. ass tnat carries me, than a horse that throws me.” Stick, my boy, to your long-eared friend, if you want to reach your journey’s end. This isa great Sir Pries—as the police- man remarked when he found a safe-burglar at work. Many a poor woman has drowned, first her honor in the clear water of diamonds, then herself in the dark waters of remorse. ‘‘Fools make feasts, and wise men eat them.” That is about the relation in which mugwumps stand to the Democratic party. ‘* He is cur-age personified,” said the fond owner of an old dog, who, despite his years, had sent another dog away, yelping in defeat. Some people believe in always showing the best side of their nature to the world, but the Mohammedan doesn’t; he never shows his better half if he can help it. The sting of one little busy bee will make a man break the third commandment into more pieces in one brief moment, than he could pick up and put together in a fort- night. Theatrical managers are endowed with rare powers. For instance, they can crowd more performers on a single 3x5 foot poster, than they can possibly get together on a 40x60 foot stage. This is genius. The happiest man is he who is so ignorant that he doesn’t know how ignorant he is. The world was made for him; ’round him the universe revolves, wise men are fools, and God ia a father who doesn’t know half as much as the child who has outgrown him. ‘‘ Have you heard the news,” said an ex- cited citizen, as he rnshed up to a group of friends standing on the corner, ‘‘ Jack Day GOULD’S GALL. Throw me a fell into a vat of boiling water, this morn- ing, and was instantly killed.” ‘* Goodness, that’s tub bad!” one symputhetic soul. ‘‘Horrible! Water death to die! ” lated another. ‘He was held in greatest steam,’ fully muttered a third. “© Ah, well, he scald to a piously remarked a fourth. ‘*Good-day,” said the first comer, as he left to spread the news still further. exclaimed ejacu- mourn- better world,” Proceedings. A man on stilts—an upright proceeding. An iceberg in motion—a cool proceeding. A man going to pay a high bill—a flat pro- ceeding. A hen walking on the high road—a foul proceeding. Careless little Johnnie sat Upon a bumble-bee, And, ’tis not a wonder that He 'rose quite hurriedly. But, before he'd settled square, Across Bee's mind did flash: “Tl run my sti sefore he nger out, I swear, makes a mash!” > life-preserver, please! After the Campaign. “THE hurly-burly’s done, The victory’s lost and won.” The race has beenrun. ‘Threetimes three for the winner. And now the grand stand is deserted, and the course is unracy as the language of the platform. The debauch is over. costs and headaches. The sea of upturned faces is without a ripple of langhter, without a wave of en- thusiasm. Has dricd up in fact, and in its Now count we the place a stony-eyed irrespongive flut. The fiery Congress candidate who roused his district as it had never been roused, earry- ing everything before him till election day, and then got duly left, is trying to under- stand the present stunding of one who runs a disastrous campaign partly on credit and partly on borrowed cash. The Congress candidate who diligently laid low and won by whispered lies and shady tricks, already finds the cup of victory as flat as a schooner laden with stale beer. — The simple patriot who trembled for his country and his flitch of bacon while listen- ing to the dire threats of dissolution and ruin which the election of the other can- didate would bring about, is now smoking his pipe in great peace of mind and relieson the world and the rest of the United States to last through another eternity of four years, | albeit the other candidate has been elected. Johnny put his hands behind And found a bee was dead, And, where the bee had been, did find A place a little red WILL GRANGER. THE coachman is foolish who wastes his time caring for horses. The coachman who succeeds is he who can show a couple of well conditioned calves, The fresh, but gifted young country law- | yer whom the managers encouraged to take the stump (at his own expense) and deluge the cross-roads with a flood of eloquence, and who magnanimously expected no re- ward but a boundless fame and the nickname of the American Cicero, has crept back to | his den, which, though it seems smaller than ever, is now a world too large for his shrunken feelings.

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THE JUDGE. The overworked country editor, whose sleepless vigilance was required to keep out of his columns every bit of truth that made against his party, has leisure now to dilate on the unexampled turnipand the miraculous squash which Mr. laid on our table yesterday. The soap factory is shut up, and the white- washer languishes without a job. Since the Fourth of November campaign lies are as unsalable as truth itself. The voter who is always putting his foot into it finds himself caught—in aclap-trap, of course, The earnest young voter who took every- thing au serieux, and was sure that every one of the other candidates was a demon in- carnate, is now astonished to find that he is really not sure of it after all, and is only sure that he doesn’t care a shell-bark whether he is sure of it or not. The respectable and retired Flintstone, whom the brazen throated horns and hurrahs intoxicated into a fit of patriotism which lasted just long enough to beguile a hard- squeezed quarter out of his purse, is repentant now, and suffering the pangs of remorse. The small boy who wore the Blaine cap, and the small boy who wore the Cleveland cap are not so mutually confident that my pop ean lick your’n. More lives have been destroyed since the close of the campaign than in it. Most of them were ‘“‘ Campaign Lives,” and valuable lives they were too, since they have lowered the price of kindling-wood. A generous action is never thrown away. They say Belva owes her handful of votes to the men whom, on various trying «ccasions, she excused from kissing her. The public-spirited countryman who left his team afield and sweated like a son of a furnace through that hot October after sup- per, and risked a smashed head in raising that one hundred and fifty foot pole, now fecls his patriotism at so low an ebb that he has reason to doubt whether he would find himself able to raise a pitch-fork to repel the British lion. The procession that did love to clothe it- self in smoke and dust is dissolved into its original atoms, and each original atom doubts whether that twenty dollar uniform wasn’t the dearest that ever was. The stump is dumb, and dry and witless and ineloquent now as the skull of Yorrick. The “fellow” citizen has disappeared, and only the every-day citizen remains. Campaign documents are devoured just now with avidity by the flames. In fashionable circles any kind of talk is fashionable that is not political. The voter who has been voting the losing ticket for twenty years, is damning himself, as usual, if he ever goes near another election. The non-English foreigner can now travel through the States without falling into the error that the four most important words in the English dictionary, and which occur oftenest in speaking the English language, are Blaine, campaign, Cleveland, tariff. It is not, we believe, de rigeur in the world of fashion to wear the Latin tongue along with the Roman nose. ‘*GENTLEMEN who discuss these momen- tous questions should weigh their words well, That depends—suppose they can’t. There is Reverend Joseph Cook, for exam- ple, who, if anybody, is a discussor of mo- mentous questions; if he tried to weigh one of his average-sized words, he would break down a Fairbank’s hay-scales in the attempt. THANKSGIVING INQUIRY. ** Ma, what has that man got?” ** Don’t ax me, ax the turkey.” ‘*‘Paddy’s Bank.” I am in the auld house where we lived long ago, Just convanient to Connaught and Ulsther you know; At the back of the hearth, where the buildin’ is thick, There's a dusty auld crivice behind a loose brick, And in auld times the family threasures were there In an auld knitted stockin’ the worse of the wear. I mind once twenty pound bein’ hid in the heel, While a dozen half-crowns in the toe I could feel, And the silver and copper—the price of the crop— Filled the leg of the stockin’ half up to the top. When each sister got married, me daddie would go And empty the stockin’, clane down to the toe. And me mother would knit them a stockin’ for luck, For in mother’s old stockin’s the coin always stuck. And in those days a house counted nuthin’ at all If there wasn’t a trifle concealed in the wall. Now we bank all our savin’s, and yet I must say Since our lucky auld stockin’ we've folded away, We're not thrivin’ so well, and we've many a fret, 3ut the hole in the wall is not morthared up yet, I think the affair is no subject for jokin’, I hear of bank failures and poor folks flat broken, So I'll draw out our savin's, and Biddy asthore, Look out the auld bag, we will fill it once more. For I think the auld mother set luck in each stitch, And her blessin’ is in it to make us grow rich, And I've dhramed for three nights, that me father’s poor soul Couldn't rest all along of that desolate hole; So we'll fill it again, and good :uck to our store When we hide the auld bag in the crivice once more. M. K. J. Doubtless the man who invented the light- ning-rod was a great genius; but many a man before his time had discovered there was as much electricity in the pin he sat down on as in the rod itself. How beantifully has the poet sung of the hereafter in the lines, ‘* We shall know each other better when the mists have rolled away!” Truly, we shall; but oh, what a bashful crowd we shall be! The Pedestal and Statue. Farr France, that spurns the tyrant's yoke And all its iron fetters broke, Sends greeting—Freedom’s voice outspoke— A Statue. To fifty millions brave and free, Who know the worth of liberty, Illuminating New York bay, A Statue. The fifty millions brave and free One cent a head object to pay; They might have kept that thing away— That Statue. For of the fifty, forty-nine Do most decidedly decline To give a nickel or a dime For Statue. ‘We want no statue, give us grub With lager beer and old rum shrub, And then we'll all agree to snub The Statue.” O'er all the length and breadth of land The people take determined stand, And shout, ‘‘ the Pedestal be d——d, And Statue.” For Freedom now is but a name, We guess we should be much to blame To put that Goddess in a frame— Poor Statue! WomAn’s sphere—an apple dumpling. A FLOURY composition—a bread pudding. It isn’t always kind to do as you would be done by. For instance: a dog licks your hand through pure kindness; but when your hand licks him he does not so regard it. Every man evidently thinks himself the most important and agreeable thing ever constructed; and yet, shut himup in prison, where he can have his own society undis- turbed for a few years, and he very soon wishes he could die, for a change. oo wy CRE re eigen s OO SETS er ey ery sam ae a

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6 THE JUDGE. Journal of Young Sawbone'’s Bride. WHEN Edward came in, he brought me such a lovely birthday present that I quite forgot about asking him the important question I’d had on my mind all the after- noon. The present was the sweetest, dearest, darlingest little English pug imaginable. First I embraced Edward, and then I hugged the pug. and then I embraced the pug and hugged Edward until I didn’t know which of the two was the nicest. ‘* What is its name?” I asked. “‘T’m sure I don’t know,” said Edward. “T never thought to ask.” ‘“Then I'll call it Ned, after you,” I said. ‘© T wouldn’t do that,” said he. “ys Why not,” I asked, and he replied, **be- cause it isn’t that kind of a dog.” ‘“* Well, then, how will Edwina do?” I in- quired, and I kept on suggesting names till bed time. After we had retired, I remembered that I’d not answer.d the letters from the people who wrote to Inquire about our rooms, but Edward said never mind, one time was as good as another for that, and I was just fall- ing off tosleep, when that horrible dissection business came up before my mind. ‘* Edward!” I suddenly exclaimed, and grabbed his arm in my nervousness. oe what's the matter?” said ’ Good gracious! he, springing out of bed, ‘‘is it burglars?’ ‘Why no,” said I somewhat annoyed at his starting up sosavagely. ‘* I only was go- ing to ask you a question.” ‘* Well, for Ileavens sake, don’t thunder your questions into a fellow’s ear like that when he’s sound asleep. I supposed it must be either fire thieves at least. Well, what’s the question,” he added, as he got back into bed. ‘Did you ever dissect anybody? Now Edward, tell the truth, and don t prevaricate, for if you ever did, I don’t believe I could ever respect you again. = Well, then I never did,” he replied ‘* What are you shaking for?” I asked. or ‘Shivering with the cold,” said he, in a | suppressed voice, and I didn’t ask any more questions. My mind was so relieved that I soon feel asleep. Nov. 25th.—The dear pug well. | started in to call it Minerva, because it always looked so wise, but Edward and all the family have taken to calling it Nervy. Well, we have had several people here to look at rooms, and they all promised to come back again and never did. Ilow queer people are, to be sure. One old man just stured at me instead of staring at the furniture as some of the people did, and finally went off muttering, ‘‘new at the business | guess.” Iiereafter 1 think I shall let Mary show the rooms. ; Nov. 28th.—Mary says she has rented a room at last to a lady. The price EJ- ward and I had thought proper to ask for it was twelve dollars a week, but Mary says the lady said she wouldn’t give but eight for it. She wants a fire in the grate, and ice water to drink, and six towels a day, and I don’t know what all. I hope she will be nice, but I havn’t seen her. Mary says she asked her for references and she gave them on a slip of paper. Edward said he presumed they were all right. I told Edward that I'd often heard Papa say never presume anything, always be certain. en,” 18 said Edward, getting cross, See Vo 55 Permit me fo ¢ we re MasHEer—‘‘ Ah—h. Lapies—‘‘ Certainly; fu uwsi gol you suppose anybody is going to refer to any- one that will say anything bad about them?” I said, I supposed not. I do wish Edward wouldn’t get so impatient, though, and | wish we could rent the other rooms. I’m anxious to see the lady that’s coming. Somehow I feel nervous about having a per- | son in the house that we don’t know any- | | | “‘what’s the use of looking upreferences. Do | thing about. Well, Mary says she’s a lady, and I’m sure I hope she is. I'm nothing but a poor old maid, And yet, I make one claim Of late, I always, when Il w rite, Add “‘D. M.” to my name And, if I’m asked the reason why I always answer that I've read and studied, ’till I know The ailments of each cut ;simply a | Those that I had believed friends, greeted y be mH \ Wy vy ZI ee 77 999 scart vou ladies 7 : i % nq to get some oysters. The Man With a Red Nose. DuRInG the late political campaign I be- came suddenly afflicted with a most un- accountably red nose. It was an Italian sun-set nose, variegated by auroral streaks. Many a Cleveland illumination this year has been inferior in size and brillianey. 1 could even read a pauper on the darkest night by Society, which always turns from you ure in trouble, then became conglomeration of persecutors. my nose. you when me with cruel taunts: “Hello, Nick! Low much did that cost? And how are running now? Why don’t you have it painted?” ‘* Get something new,” I would furiously reply. My former friend Malt Whitman, the artist, suid one day,** Believe me, Nicholas,” (by the way, he alwavs called me by my full noses And friends who beg me to prescribe For “ Kitty,’ Dick,” Say I have earned that proud ‘‘D. M.” As ‘* Doctor of Mew-sick.” Tom,” or ‘ PoLITICIAN—a patriot for revenue only. A CORPORATION is a body without a soul. Prince Bismarck has no end of things to look after, both at home and abroad, yet his chief business, it seems, is watching the Ferrv. Does the big German mean to cross the Rhine again one of these days? name when he wus ubout to insult me) ,‘ if any artist should attempt to paint that, i wouldn’t be believed, and the public would reject the picture, on the ground that it wasn’t true to nature—too highly colored.” ‘“The ball’s up,” said another quondam friend. ‘* Yes, and hereafter you can go to the ‘three balls’ when you want money. Don’t /come to me.” I was applied to for my pictnre to be used as a terrible example, by the Woman’s C. T. Union, and the Salvation Army always paused and saluted when they passed me on

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THE JUDGE. \ \ LANA THAT SETTLED IT. the street. Church, called, and, in relation to my candi- dacy for vestryman, said that he thought “‘it had better hold over until next year.” Many of the ladies. came and wept with my wife, and advised her to get a divorce. But as a red nose is not legal grounds in New York State, my dear wife remained faithful to the last (of the campaign). During those ‘days of darkness” there were no bouquets picked from our garden; they were nose- gays. Even my children bothered me by saying ‘nosir” continually. I applied to the Nosol- ogists, but their nostrums were of no avail. My also-former friend Doctor Pigeon laugh- ingly said, ‘“‘I think you have a little corn on your nose.” Iimmediately called for his bill and dismissed him with a few well chosen remarks. If 1 went to a concert perhaps they would sing. ‘‘Comin’ thro’ the Rye,” and all would turn to me every time ‘“‘ Rye” came out. Now my duties in conducting the canvass for my friend, Bill Sheridan, in a strongly Democratic whiskey ward, required me to “treat” every workingman, and sce them all ‘‘under my nose.” On Election-night, the good work being ended (as well as my cash), I stopped drink- ing entirely. Three days afterward, when the returns were all in, my nose was ready for the canvass for vestryman, which will be an aggressive one. Bill was elected. I say the canvass for vestryman ‘‘ will be” My Rector, of Holy Moses because my Rector has just postponed that another year. CORNICULA. The Upsetting Sin. ‘* BREDDREN,” exhorted the Rev. Buck- washer Struggles previous to giving the benediction to his congregation, who were | bent on making a colored night of it at a wedding spree, ** breddren, when Sent Poll in his *pistol to de Columbians, warn us agin’ de sin wich do most easy upset us, it am manifest dat de ’postle hab his eye on wiskey. Bewar’ den, wile you is enjoyin’ on de fried chickens and de sassages, and de biskets, and de warious gifts of Providence—bewar’ de upsettin’ sin.” ALL patriotic Americans will rally round the fact that when our brave coachman takes the field the foreign Count counts for noth- ing. THE anxious minded good man who tried to gag Bob Ingersoll by the help of the courts is now trying to smother him with tracts. *Tis likely that Robert the Terrible will escapeagain. In these latter days, when there be so many Gallioson the bench, it is an up-hill business to raise a posse comitatus for the apprehension of these Godless Roberts. By the way, couldn’t the afore- said anxious minded invent us a plan for extinguishing floods by submerging them with water, and saving a house on fire by | kicking it out of doors. Finest City in the World. We Manhattanese assert, with justice, that New York, as a place of residence, is the finest city in the Universe. This eulogium is sometimes commenced with the statement that it is so easy to get away from, or asacen- ter for excursions. Now, we claim that all its attractions, and every means of enjoyment are contained within itself. Passing over the cheapness and excellence of its theatres, operas, races, and amusements, we say that, climatically considered, it has inducements not elsewhere held out. No matter from what country you hail, you can here be ac- comodated with your own weather and climate on the spot. All you have to do is to wait patiently till your own sort of weather comes along, then play it for all it is worth. If you were in the city born, you have an in- finite variety of weather to choose from. If you come from Greenland you can be frozen, if from Arabia roasted. If you are an Ital- ian and want malaria—if German, and lager beer is necessary to your comfort, you can be supplied on the shortest notice. The only one who can not be suited is our friend John Bull, who cannot get his nafive fog, or colorable imitation thereof. If at any time one of his nationality should com- plain, if not actually grumble, depend upon it, the absence of fog causes it, you know, so sympathize with him. It is a merciful interposition of Providence that the New York winds are thus tempered to the differ- ent shorn lambs; even should any unshorn lambs arrive, they can be fleeced here as well as anywhere else. In summer think how pleasant it is after simmering for six or eight hours during the day, to sit on the stoop feeding mosquitoes and waiting for a cool breeze to come along. It always does come, if you wait long enough. Then look how cheap ice is, for a paltry dol- lar or two you can get a ton of it, delivered in icicles at your own door. It is the same price if delivered at any one else’s door—only in that case the other fellow pays for it, un- less his credit be exceedingly good, when he needn’t pay for it at all, but gaily waltz off to Canada where he can get ice for nothing and nothing but ice. As a pleasure city New York is perfect, as a temporary residence unequalled—whereas what with the pistol of the illicit burglar, and the club of the friendly policeman, the playful pneumonia and the deadly boarding- house hash, the beauty of Greenwood and Cypress Hill, and the insinuating attack of time, it possesses unusual attractions as a final place of settlement, and frequently con- vinces people of the most roaming disposition to adopt it as their final home. ‘We are most fearfully and wonderfully made” said Karl Shirts, while looking at the skeleton of a monkey in the museum. SHOULD Belva, discouraged by the result, proceed, after the manner of men, to desert her party and go over to the enemy, a ribald press will be only too ready to say that she has turned her—petticoat. An Ohio Republican of the practical breed, who in the late campaign wanted to get at the bottom facts, asked a convention —or was it a flock(?) of Ohio wool-growers what it was that they really wanted,—free trade, or protection. The chairman—or was it the bell-wether(?)—-promptly answered ‘‘ba-a-,” This answer, the practi- cal politician naturally regarded as a power- ful endorsement of his own theories. one OR I Ye — + eed — mee ees cere

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THE JUDGMENT C —-““O, my Lord; give her thé liv REPUBLICAN PARTY pn OR

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a ioc) ngs. , and in no wise slay it! ’—1. Ki living child her the ENT OF SOLOMON.

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PHILHARMONI g Concerts, Ballad Concerts, Yo \ Symphony ing People’s Banjo, and ictorla Huels- s are the order of the day. Mme. Victoria Huelskamp-—Schelling inl, under the super : Manager Amberg, has t means of subsistence The Victoria-us pun) now instead of dri father’s Concert Concerts, kamp Concert Yes, even intendence of uken up warbling as a oachman (pardon the at the box office box seat, and nstead of her 1 station. If Schelling keeps on and his wife’s throat holds may in time to some proud n society. } cracks Dis |OKeS his whip on the ves his wife to the theatre, t horses to he ra out, he position ] h "T isn’t every coachman in man’s daughter and an opera sil Old Morosini didn’t beg ladder. In fact he must well down toward the marry a rich iver at that. n at the top of the have been pretty »ottom when he com- . and it 18 ving a pair of le an oc su pa- guard to the is afraid to walk the menced operations with Jay Goul an open cy tue stion whe frisky steeds is not as re tion as that praying millionaire who street unprotected. Keep on Mr. Huelskamp-Schelling. Con- tinue to emulate the father-in-law and what height you may attain Dr. Damrosch, with his band of Teutons, is at the Metropolitan, and has to deal with a more phlegmatic troupe of singers than falls to the lot of most managers,

of being example of your proud no knowing to there $ | Ais Academy The apple of discord down at the keeps Mr. Mapleson lively. Nevada has arrived and we have heard Mlle. Ricetti and the new tenor Carduali and we still live. But Nevada, the new tenor, the new opera house, and everything the only, original and Will she sing, or will s] that agitates the allege emy directors. Will she skip cholera, or will tinue to audiences. Patti has new and when she appeared in the third act of ‘‘ Traviata,” a few nights ago, the enthusiasm of her hearers or see-ers Knew no bounds. ‘lse grows dim beside ble Patti. he question 1 minds of the Acad- rrepress! sne not, ist back ner to dear Paris and the diamonds and Vol Fourteenth e con- shine on the Street dresses too, There she stood, all in white satin, white and diamonds, lace, seed pearls, camelias, and thousand dollar trill she emitted shook the house and caused the one and tifty thousand dollar diamond the little five hundred necklace that encircled her priceless throat, to tremble on her bosom. And all this time she was worrying and fretting about that little sixteen thousand dollar security Maple- son was trying to get out of the directors. Poor Patti. Divorced from de Caux, with her parrot and her dear Nicolini ever at her side, with an incomparable voice and appar- ently perennial youth, with a castle in Wales, and fortunes in jewel and fine jewels, stor ks, clothes, still she is not happy. Ittakes just

| sixteen thousand dollars worth of security to make her so. Think of this, ye chorus girls at fifteen dollars a week, and envy not the Prima Donna. Think of this, ye fashionable women who sit in the boxes and long to be divorced from the husbands that pay for the luxury, and envy not the Patti. Poor Patti! The security may be all right, and the matter may be settled before this article is printed, still we repeat poor Patt diamond, or some other little trifle. There is always some possible contingency to arise and make her miserable and unhappy, Patti though she be. But to come from the opera to the theatre and from Patti to common Miss Davenport is playing a most successful en- gagement at the Fourteenth Street Theatre in ‘*Fedora,” and Mr. Lee as Loris has made a decidedly favorable impression. ** Constance,” at Wallack’s, is not over and above popular. One rather thrilling scene saves the play. What a novelty it would be to see Miss Coghlan in some other role than that of a wronged and much abused wife. ** Lords and Commons,” a failure in Lon- don, hus not proved successful at Daly’s. Plays that are tried here on the suburban dog and don’t succeed are seldom brought to light in the metropolis, but the London dog is different. What he rv jects is quite good enough for New York. Well, bring on an- other morsel, we can stand it if it only comes from London. Mark Twain and George Cable have been giving a series of unique and enjoyable enter- tainments at Chickering Hall. Last year we had Mr. Cable all by himself, but this season Mr. Clemens (Mark Twain) makes the entertainment twice as attractive as it was before. | At the Mount Morris Theatre, Harlem, The Sparks Company, with Charles Bow- were playing in ‘“‘A Bunch of Keys.” This week ‘‘Monte Cristo” is on the boards. Last, but not least, Harlem has a Choral Club, a prospectus of which has been sent us. During the season three concerts, con- sisting of glees, part songs etc., assisted by | professional talent, willbe given. Admission or a sense,

ser,

The parrot may die, or she may lose Nicolini, peare don his native heath, one day,

to the entertainments can only be obtained through subscribing members. Col. A. P. Ketchune is pres dent of the society, and Mr. S. D. Patterson se retary. l'ormer concerts given by this club have been most enjoyable is well as very select affairs.

The Good Joke and the Funny Man. By NEI A Good Joke, but a few months old, ap- for a stroll, when he chanced to meet the would- be Funny Man on a country weekly. ‘‘(jood morning,” said the G. J. pleas- antly. *¢ Good morning,” ] replied the F. M., eye- ‘*What is your name, man?” he continued, after admir- ing the Joke « my littl lothes and general make- up for a few minutes. “<M Motherinlaw the joke replied, sweetly. ‘‘Ts your father living?” inquired the F. M., finge: 1is scissors significantly. But the G. J. was an innocent little fel- low. having been out but a short time. So he up and tells the F. M. that his father, being a poor journalist, was compelled to hours for a day, at poor wages, in order to keep the readers of his paper from getting the blues, and dying of dry rot, ete., and that but a few months be- fore he had fixed him, the G. J., up in nice shape, hoping that he would meet some rich manager some day, and thereby open his way to shorter hours and better pay. ‘‘ Well, I guess I will claim you for the present,” replied the F. M. Whereupon he gobbled up the G. J. and stowed him away in his pocket for further use. Some sixty vears later the G. J., now grown old and decrepid, and bearing all the evidence of hard travel, and plenty of it, knocked at the door of his father’s house, who years before had given up journalism for plumbing, consequently had grown rich and respected. «« And so you claim to be my child,” said the plumber, after the usual form of intro- duction had been observed. ‘*‘ Well, in my foolish days, when I aspired to become great » Joke’s fine « Good Joke,” hame 1s work seventeen

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ined P Mr. erts able lan. ap- ‘or a yuld- leas- eye- ame, mir- iake- yke,” ie F, . fel- So ther, d to poor f his ng of s be- nice rich 1 his r the on he away now ll the f it, ouse, alism rich said ntro- n my great THE JUDGE. in another path from the one I now travel, I created many queer and quaint jokes, but when we consider that I am but eighty years old, and you, to all appearances, are seven hundred and twenty, don’t you think you are somewhat mistaken? ” ‘* Not at all, sir,” replied the G. J., help- ing himself to the brandy on the side-board, and settling in the plumber’s great easy chair. ‘« Just sixty vears ago, to-night, me out into the wor] l. you sent You were employed on the Srrafch, at ten dollars per week, with | the priv lege of two opera tickets weekly, and the free use of the elevator. You worked hard, the old gray-headed sinner up stairs cut and altered your copy so that the compositor and proof-reader had but little to spoil. You e ** Hold!” exclaimed the plumber, ‘is it possible you are -—" but ‘* Motherinlaw. Yes, sir, that’s me. Slightly altered, ain’t I?” “ Altered ! Leaven 3, ma”; you—are you one of the Greely party? You look as if you had spent seven hundred vears feeding on shrimps and old boots. Where have you been all this time?” ‘“No: I have not been searching for the North Pole, but I have traveled over every state in the Union, and parts of ; They tried to introduce me in England, but I was too much for them. Oh! glorious time of it. Just listen! The Funny Man of acountry paper met me when out walk- ing one day, just sixty years ago, and carried me off home. For nearly a year he passed me off as hisown. Then the editor of a pictorial weekly claimed me, and for nearly two vears I fairly rolled in Juxury, being recogn zed as the son of the great C. X. At this time, two country dai- both at Jersey. the expiration of lies laid claim about the same time, and for many long weary months I did not know who I[ was, By actual count IT appeared in four hun- dred dailies, eight hundred weeklies, ninety comic hundred and two magazines, fifty-four almanacs, and twenty and relig ous papers, ius, for years and years have to me, oO} whe re ] belonged. } monthiles, one euch their own. ‘| I been stolen and horded around, weary and foot-sore, with scarcely a vestage of my former self left to tell the sad tale of my wanderings and misfortunes, I have come back. Aye! ask that you give me, your own child, the rest and shelter my declining years demand.” © You have done well,” replied the plum- ber tearfully, and grasping his gold-headed poker, he smote the old Joke a mighty smote, and brained him on the spot. come back to MoraAL:—It is a wise editor that his own joke after the world has had it a few years. THE milk business must be exceedingly | remunerative. Milkmenare frequent visitors at watering places. “© Dip you foot the bill?” was asked of a treasurer of a Democratic ward and city committee, ‘* No,—the landlord himself.” did all the footing bo] A Mr. JAQcves ASBERRY, who has served an apprenticeship at the trade of proverb making, sends us the following specimens of his workmanship. though he has a cloven foot. The inside depends not on the outside; the donkey’s short ears cannot prevent him from having a long head. l’ve had a} claimed me as | until now | knows | The devil 1s not an ass | IT THE FINANCIAL ‘ WS AES SS ‘ WH \ Y \ S “URIAH HEEP.” THE VAGABOND HAND OF FRIENDSHIP. Washington's Fiddle. WASHINGTON’S little fid-violin has been offered for sale to the government which was established by the music he made. We hope it will be purchased and hung upon the walls of our country, along with his little hatchet and hissword. Age lends luster and worth to a fiddle, for time improves its tone, but a re- vered relic like this should not be rated in common dollars or cents. It is good and old. When a boy, he traded a barlow knife, without blades, and a sled, with one runner, for this fiddle, and took it to the garret that night and began his first lesson on it. His father, wakened by the noise, stumbled up stairs, and wanted to know of G. W. what made that pig squeal up there. Washington was an honest lad, and said manfully, ‘*Pap, I cannot tell a lie, I did it with my little fiddle.” The old gentleman was so pleased with his honesty, that he said he could play as much as he wanted to—a thing he after- wards regretted to his heart’s content. though it was from this instrument he evolved the strains which fired his heart to deeds of high emprize. Nero fiddled, but Washington’s music was wrought in a nobler cause. Washington’s bow should be as im- mortal as Achilles’. We can fancy him as a young man, seated at the second story window, on a quiet Virginia evening, tuning the strings with the heroism and patience which characterized his later years. As the little E string snaps do you catch the subdued remark he makes with Revolutionary vim? Notice the look on his face as the bridge goes down with all on board, making him jump as if he heard a war-whoop. We hear the plunk, plink, | plunk, and notice that it is tuned about | | fellow over the way to night. half right. We see him grease the bow with a chunk of rosin, and begin to use it like a handsaw on the strings, while he what is left of ‘Piper's Hornfish,” or ‘Fisher’ s Hornpipe,” “The Last Rows of Summer,” a farmer boy’s ballad, ‘*A flower from My Angel, Mother-in-Law’s Grave,” “We Pass. but You Nevei Speak,” “Only to fives us see her Face no more,” ** Oreide Threads among the Gold,” ‘Babies on our meat Block,” ‘The Last Rise in Winter,” ‘‘Hannah’s at the Winder without Shoes,” “The Arkansaw Pedestrian,” along with variations from ‘‘ Il. M. S. Pinafore,” his right foot keeps time, and the people under him und those over the way come out to see what it is that makes thi night so red with music. But Washington never was the man to let up on anything earthly or un- earthly. The music continues to shed its soul, and coat, and as longas the tunes last, it continues to shed. Growlsdo not disturb him. Washington was a man who never was disturbed. When he went to do any- thing he did it with his whole heart, and if he wanted music he had it, if it took all the rosin in town, or took the town, like the We wish Con- gress would buy his fiddle and hang it up, | or him. | When G. W. grasped the fiddle by the neck it would look like he would choke all the music off, but he did not, and when he put his finger down on a note it was ‘here, or some where in the vicinity, and when he brought his foot down to keep time the people below could hear it, and he was a man of determination whose life was one grand harmony unless somebody greased the bow. He never hid his music under a bushel —so the neighbors say. We can well imagine that George had a

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THE JUDGE. A RUNAWAY COUPLE. THE NIGHT BEFORE THANKSGIVING. musical crook in his elbow, and, like his fildle-bow, he was gritty. In diplomatic circles we du not believe he ever brought out this fiddle and played international tunes. It was in the quiet of the evening that he got his grip on the fiddle, and allowed his soul to wander away on the strains of music, and if astring let down, he was never the man to let up on that account, but kept right on, all he wanted was elbow room, and plenty of it. Washington’s fiddle! is filled full of the music What hands shall play on it? bring the music of *76 out of it? Congress should buy it. He has left us his name, his sword, and his fiddle. By all means, let us have that fiddle—if only for a minute or two. Glorious relic! It of the Union. Who shall A. W. BELLAW. Aut Czar aut Nihilist—with the chances against the Czar. is the life of business.” Read: ‘‘ Competition is ‘* COMPETITION That’s played ont. the business of life.” ‘*Not what you eat, but what you digest,” the dyspeptic remarked, while making his way through the greasy griddle-cakes, the fried saner-kraut, the hard-boiled eggs, and the beef-steek a la tarpaulin. When the Austin lawyer brought the candidate down to Bloodyshirt one of the crowd said, ‘‘ we like the cut and the make of your man well enough, but what has he ever done?” The lawyer, with a cunning meek- ness, answered, ‘‘well, Col. Fireproof, though he is every inch a gentleman, is a young man yet, and never had a chance to distinguish himself—his virtues are merely negative. For instance, he never went back on a friend and never pours his whiskey into his boots, and—” ‘*That’ll do. Jedge, with negative virtues like them the Colonel kin stop in Bloodyshirt every night.” Then the Colonel proceeded to give the Bloodyshirts achance not to pour their whiskey into their boots, Dame Nature most unequally Bestows her gifts, ‘tis said Man combs his own, but Nature, she Combs « very ro yster’s head AN eminent sportsman was boasting his skill, And was “‘ going it,” too, pretty hot. that once on a time shot He swore on his honor He hit seve But a friend And exclaimed nteen hares with one standing by, rose up in his wrath ‘* That there statement’s too big, We can't swallow it, sir, unless you admit You were shooting, that day, at your wig.” Two ships meet in a fog. ‘*Ship ahoy! Vat ship’s dot?” ** Helmet, ” was the reply. ** Helmityoutoo,” Tue Maid of Orleans was a glorious maid, no doubt; but it is gross flattery to call her a fair maid; she was Joan d’Are. So say all the chroniclers. A LAW, passed last winter in one of the southern states, provides that the shop-girls shall be provided with seats. ployer will be able to report whether those too serve who only sit and wait, as well as those who only stand and wait. ProFESSOR Proctor says that in about 15,000,000 vears every trace of water will have disappeared from the face of the earth. The Democrats have been claiming right A Fair Verdict. Great LawyeEr—“ Ah, Mr. Winks, glad to see you. ‘The verdict is in.” Client—‘* Already?” ‘Yes, sir, [ knew I would get it. You receive $5,000, but you are to pay half the costs.” ‘‘Fair enough, I am sure. the costs?” ** $10,000.”—Philade Iphia Cail. What are Sugar in His’n. GENERAL STRONGLEY, who was once governor of Arkansaw, could stand defeat or ; success about as well as any man known to the thrilling history of our country. Once, while his chances of victory were in the | hands of his friends assembled in state con- | vention, the General and several supporters | suit in the rotunda of the leading hotel. | Court. Now the em- | along that they would have things all their | own way, one of these days, but they don’t generally set the date so far ahead. A GENTLEMAN—a foot artist by profes- sion—boldly takes the bull by the horns and advertises himself as ‘‘ practical boot-maker.” We expected that it would come to this—that a practical age like ours wonld not be satis- | boot. But this is With boots prac- tically made, and poetry mechanically made, we may soon expect to havea supply of emo- tions and metaphysics from the brick-yard and the rolling-mill. fied with a theoretical only the entering wedge. The result of each ballot was brought by a courier, ** Well,” said the General, after receiving returns from the forty-first ballot, “if Jack- son climbs much more he’ll down me.” ‘“*Id be prepared for the worst,” some one remarked. ‘Oh, I am prepared. Tlello, here’s the | courier.” ‘“*General, I am _ pained inform that you are defeated.” “That so? Well, boys, come up and let’s have something.” leading the way to the bar. ‘* What will you all take? Bill,” addressing the bar-tender, whiskey sour.” Just then a man dashed in and exclaimed: General, six counties have changed their vote and you are elected.” ‘“‘“That so? Say, Bill, to you “give me a may you put a | little sugar in mine.”—Arkansaw Traveler. He Was Cool. THERE had been a row in a western town, and after a great deal of promiscuous shoot- ing, Jim Jackson, a noted tough, was killed and the fun stopped. Arrests were made and the participants were brought before the When Joe Duff, one of the prin- cipal witnesses, took the stand, a young law- yer tackled him. ‘“* Your name is Duff, I believe,” he said, after a little skirmishing around the edges. ‘*That’s what they calls me,” answered Joe. ° ‘* You were in this row? **In course. Yer don’t s’pose I’m losin’ any fur fun, yer? I hain’ missed one in ten year, in this town, unless I happened to be over the river, preticipatin’ in somethin’ uv the sort on thet side.” ** Did you see this man, Jackson, shoot at anyone?” i Yos,”” ** Was it early in the difficulty?” ** Well, I never knowed Jim to wait fur interductions in a case uv emergency.” ‘“‘Did he appear to be agitated when you first saw him?” ‘*No more’n you'd be in chargin’ a man ten dollars for fifteen cents wurth o’ work.” **Don’t be personal, sir. I want to know if Jackson was also cool in the latter portion of the trouble?” ‘Yer betcher life he wuz cool. He was dead—colder’n a Sunday roast on a wash day.” The witness was ordered to step down.— Merchant Traveler. ” chances does

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THE JUDGE.

Rights and Lefts. ‘‘] FIGURE my majority at between four | and five hundred,” said the anxious didate; ‘fam I right?” can- | ‘“No,” replied the chairman, as the re- | turns from the back thud, ‘‘ you are left.” And the candidate went out under the silent stars and prayed for an Egyptian pyramid to fall on him.—Lockland Courier. towns came in with a

Gaunt Poverty. LitTLE Boston Girir—** Oh, ma! those folks next door is awful poor.” Ma—‘* Poor? Why, pet, they are very wealthy Philadelphians, who are only resid- ing here temporarily.” ‘But they are poor, ma. I people so badly off. I morning.” “Why, child, what do you mean! house is magnificently furnished. you think they are poor? ” ‘« They had no pie for breakfast.” —Phila- delphia Call. never saw was in there this Their Why do

Majority and Plurality. ‘Waar is the difference, my dear,” asked Mrs. Firstclass, whose husband is a twelve- hundred-dollar-a-year clerk in the Treasury, ‘between plurality and majority in these Ohio elections? ” ‘Why, my darling, it is very simple. A plurality is a plurality, you know,” he re- plied, ‘‘and a majority is a majority.” ‘““ Yes, I know, but which is elected, the plurality or the majority?” she earnestly inquired.” ** Why, both, of course, you know. both are on the same ticket.” ‘* But I don’t yet see which is which, for the Republicans are elected by both.” ‘* Well—er—hem—the plurality, is the plurality, don’t you see? and the majority is They SOMERVILLE JOE’s wife says she is not afraid of Joe ever being struck by lightning, because he always comes insulate.—Somer- ville Journal. ALAS! a man may lie any number of times during a political campaign and talk con- tinually; but when it comes to action, he can vote but once.—DLoslon Transcript. AN exchange says: ‘‘ A pear or apple at six in the morning will make the sky look brighter and fill the world with sunshine.” But we suspect that this is only a trick to fool people into getting up early. —Phila- le Iphia Call. A WESTERN cowboy posts the following notice: ‘‘]f any man’s or woman’s kows or oxen gets in these oats, his or her's tail will be cut off, as the case may be.” Grammar is not extensively taught on the plains.— ITartford Post. Two prize fighters quarrelled in New York, on Wednesday, and called cach other aliar. The profession of the prize fighter should be elevated, rather than lowered to the standard of a partisan debate in Con- | gress.— Norristown Herald. ** Just look at that dress; put on agony,” remarked a Ileights lady to her husband as they met a lady on the street. **T think it’s her husband who puts on the agony when he gets the bills,” he re- plied, as he looked askance at his wife.— Brooklyn Times. **WovLp you like this bound in Turkey?” asked the gentlemanly book agent of his rural customer for ‘* Scratcher’s Universal History of the World.” ‘Oh, no,” was | the reply; ‘‘no use sending clear out there; bind it in New York.”—JSoston Commercial the majority, and—er—hem—when both are | added together they— well, they sort of elect the Republican nominees.” And she was silent, but half-way satisfied. Each knew as much a3 the other about the specific difference existent about the ques- tion, but the husband got the bulge on the combined result.— Washington Hatchet.

He Didn’t Complain. Moses OPENSTEIN moved to a Western town, a dozen years ago, with a small capi- tal. Ile prospered, and is to-day worth $50,- 000. Not long since, a friend from the East visited him, and they were talking over his good fortune. “‘Ilow is it, Moses, you have done so well?” aked the friend. **Oh, dot vash de eashiest ting to dell in te vite, vite, vorruld.” ‘< Tlow was it?” ** Vell, you see, I mark mine coots plain, so dot everypody can see vat dey vas vort. Now dake dot goat, for instance; dot goat cohst me yoost eight tollar, unt I put dot nice, plain mark on him—sixteen tollar; und if he cosht me tweluf tollar, I yoost mark him twenty-four tollar. I pud dose marks on, so dere ish no deceifing a gushtomer, unt he can see dot he is pying hiscloding ad cosht—vot id coshts him, you untersthant. I haf peen in peesiness twelnf year, unt my bolicy ish ‘Quick sales unt shmall brofits,’? und I don’t gomplain.”—Merchant Traveler.

| day Bulletin. Aw agent for a wind mill drove up to far- mer Dobson’s residence, last Tuesday, and said, ‘**T should like to sell you a windmill, my friend.” ‘*TIang your windmill?” exclaimed the farmer; ‘‘I have just returned from the prohibition rally, where I got enongh wind to last me through this campaign.” —Paris Beacon.

A Butler Ideal. ‘““My dear,” said Mrs. McGill, ‘<I see that Gen. Butler makes five speeches in a ; ‘Yes, I believe he does.” ‘*T should think it would kill him.” ‘It would, my dear, if he wasan ordinary man. But he has a cast-eye-run constitu- tion.—Marathon Indep ndent. Couldn’t Help Himself. “Your son went to New Mexico some time ago, didn’t he?” asked a man of an ac- quaintance, “Tle.” **TIuve you heard from him recently?” “No?” b **Then it devolves on me to tell you a painful piece of news. Your son died last week.” “Oh, heavens!” exclaimed the father; ‘*he should have known better than that.” ** Tle was hanged,” continued the bearer of painful news. ‘Oh, well,” rejoined the father; ‘‘in that ease I don’t snppose he could help himself.” —Arkansaw Traveler. Visited His Uncle. **You’veE been away, haven’t you Fred?” “Yes, forafew days. Had a charming time, too, I can tell you. I attended three balls while I was away.” ‘* Ah, yes, Isee. Been to visit your uncle, eh? ’— Yonkers Gazelle. Her Vocation. SEVERAL school girls were discussing their future vocations. One of them was going to be an artist, another a poetess, etc., ete. ‘* And what are you going to be,” one of them asked a little girl, who had not suid anything. ‘<T've up my mind that I'll be a rich widow when I grow up,” was the demure made repl y.—TZeras Siflings. | ad e . mv, don’t she | | street car?

A Difficult Task. **Is that brake hard to handle?” asked a young man on the front platform of a Broad- way car, of the driver. ‘** No,” responded that person. “‘Is that whistle hard to blow?” again interrogated the youth. ‘*No,” gruffly responded the driver. ‘What is the hardest thing to do ona ‘‘ Answering fool’s questions,” replied the driver.—Drake's Traveler's Magazine.

Just in His Line. Trey met in a dark alley. ‘*Your mouey or your life!” the highwayman. The man in the silk hat gave up his money and drew him into conversation. When the highwayman emerged from the alley he stopped to count his money. It was gonc— his own with it, every cent. Who was the man in the silk hat? A bank cashier.—Chicago News. demanded

Another Fiend. Visitor (at the Indian School)—* So all these children are Indians?” Teacher—‘‘ Yes. Many of them are sons and daughters of great chiefs.” V isitor—‘* What are they now doing?” Teacher—‘‘ This is the arithmetic hour, and they are doing sums.” Visitor—‘‘ Ah! Yes, I have often heard of Indian Summers.” The silence which followed was only broken by the whiz of tomahawks.—Piila- delphia Call.

Good Detective Work. First DETECTIVE—‘“‘ I’ve got the two men who committed that murder. Their names are Chinks and Kinks.” Second Detective—‘‘ You don’t say so! How did you discover them?” ‘*T ran across Chinks one day and boldly charged him with the crime.” ‘© Yes: how did he take it?” «IIe changed color—a sure sign that he is guilty.” ‘“<'True; and the other?” ‘*T saw Kinks soon after and boldly charged him with the crime.” ““Good! How did he act ‘“‘Tle did not change color at all—a sure sign that he isa hardened criminal.”—DPhila- delphia Call. 9»

f ! Se eo REE

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| |

THE JUDGE

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OF all the humor of the present day there is nothing much better than a Holmes pun joke. ~ Silt iqs. Wittram H. palgn soap the use of News. A RIVAI BarNtm’s brand of cam- is warranted to be produced by the purest lye.—Philadelphia to T'almage will shortly be in t] strike that boy, my son?” asked i fathe I ( ius¢ he tid | sti le his top “And vou struck him to prove to him that you did not ~~ it, ( lg =~ * ea, sir, "caus | did take it, t I « ip any old boy that savs so.”— P siti It shows that faith in humanity is fast be- coming an unknown quanity when a wife will believe a $1 clock rather than her hus- band when the latter has told her it was oniv 11 o’clock when he came in last night while t ( k at that time struck two.— Bost r Fr ° Indignant tovrist, to hotel manager who has just presel ed his bill—** See here! You have charged me fifty centimes for writing paper, and you know very well that vou have not furnished meascrap!” ‘But Monsieur, it is for the paper on wh bill is made out.”—French Pa ‘ITAVE you | lv?” asked Bri Jor novelist. ‘* Yes, I finished a work the other dav.” ‘**What was it, h ‘What Dr. e's T; . é ats V (Jaz . e heard remember where w . t it is so good we repeat it without uthority. It was in an Illinois court: ‘Have vou.” asked the j ige of a recent! convicted ma anything to offer the court bef Sel ( passed 7” ‘* No, vour r,” replied the prisoner, ‘* M took my last cent.”—Bloomington Ha iwyer Ke UE father to his eleven-v« old daughter, who was champing a g drop, and rock her Lme ‘I’ve a notion to box vou ears for cing to Tommy Jones over the gate What do vou mean by flirting with the OVS: ‘Pa, ’we are not fl g Bye O babv! Now uu go to sleey | cea ori | little o No tuth ol ~ ! fr s fl ag I sup sand the f Chie vigg vy I absurd Vv ¢ Lie ea, “vou are engaged ‘No, we are not en- gaged might ius i irrying out the desire of ry ¢ hearts in make us so happy ‘Want to get ed, lo v 4 Oh, no, we were sear two months ago. is what we are after now.” —Teras Siftings. ] fw Consumption. Notwithstanding the great number who terrible and fatal ts fatal coils early succumb to this disease, w] around thousands who are uneonscious of its leadly presence, Dr. ‘Golden Med eal and purify the blood of scrofulous impurities, and cure consumption (which is scrofulous disease of thelungs). Se letter stamps and get Dr. treatise on consumption and tions, with numerous testimonials of cures. Address, World’sDispensary Medical Associ- ation, Buffalo, N. Y. Discovery Will cleense bereular only nd three kindred affee-

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Page 15

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THE JUDGE. Is tatement that poets are born, not ‘A CHARGE to keep I have,” sighed a tramp, as a Long Island farmer gave him the contents of a double-barreled shot gun. Bre Wi Time Ss. itv newspaper men ran for office in New York last Tuesday and were elected. Four newspaper men ran for office in Chicago on the same day and were defeated. Stay East, young man; stay East.— Boston Globe. THE the dealers heirs of Oliver Goldsmith should sue in cabinet bedsteads for damages Trans ripe. EDITORIAL SANCTUM and tenth ring at the Is. ** Hello! ” hell-o! ” ‘ Telegram ‘ Who is president?” ‘* Chester A. Arthur.” ‘Ah-h-h, funny ain’t you?” ‘No; simply correct.”—Prov. Telegram. Mrs. SMITHERKINS—‘‘ Say, see all the papers are blowing about Aimee’s chic. Whatdoes that mean?” Mr. Smith- Don’t know, I’m sure, for Aimee isn’t any chick. She’s been on the stage long enough to be a hen! ame The Hatchet Two editors fought a duel in Paris, France, The five thousand telephone. Growler “* Hell-o! hell-o! office?” ‘** Yes,’ ‘espone res} husband, I last Sunday. One was a Belgian and the other a Frenchman. The Frenchman stabbed the Belgian with a printing office towel, penetrating his patent insides at the first thrust.—Paris Beacon. Iv is all the fashion now to have musical subjects painted on the panels of -_ fortes. A Wagner concert is depicted by slinging a pot of paint broadside at the instrument and getting the hired girl to wipe it off. Burlington Free Press. ‘Wat two beautiful children! Are they twins?” said an old bachelor to an Austin lady with two children. ‘QO, yes, they are twins,” replied the lady. ‘Excuse my curiosity, Madame; but are you the mother of both of them? "°—NSiftings. A very much banged, feathered, over- dressed, and painted young lady spotted (;reenpoint car at the corner of South Eight street and accosted the conductor. ‘I want to go to Fulton Ferry; is car mine?” The conductor looked at her in astonish- ment and replied: ‘* Well, Miss, it’s some kind of red paint, looks more like vermillion than carmine though.”—Brooklyn Times. this Rupture Cured permanently or no pay. Our new and sure cure method of treating rupture, without the knife, enables us to guarantee a cure, Trusses can be thrown away at last. Send two letter stamps for references, pamphlet and terms. World’s Dispensary Medical Association, Buffalo, N. Y.

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Page 16

SLAM ON) THR REPUBLICAN SENATE CHAMBER 10 THE DEMOCRATIC PAWN-SHOP.