Judge 1884-09-06: Vol 6 Iss 151

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THE JUDGE. | 324, 326 and 328 Pearl St., (Franklin Square.) NEW YORK. PUBLISHED ONCE A WEEK. TERMS TO SUBSCRIBERS (UNITED STATES AND CANADA.) IN ANVANCE One copy, one year, or 2 numbers. “ia $5.00 One copy, six months, or %mnumbers .........+ 25 One copy. for 13 weeks, .. . ae a es 1.25 CPW PosTace FRen 4g Address. THE JUDGE PUBLISHING COMPANY. $24, 336 and 228 Pearl St., New York. EUROPEAN AGENTS Tus [NTERNATIONAL News Company, 11 Bouverie St., (Fleet St Lonpoy, ENGLAND NOTICE Contributors must put their valuation upun the articles they aend to us (subject to a price we may ourselves fix), or otherwise they will be rewarded as gratuitous. Stamps should be tnclosed for return postage, with name and address, if writers wish to regain their declined articles. CORRESPONDENTS. G77" CORRESPONDENTS WILL PLEASE TAKE NOTICE THAT THEY SEND Mas. TO THIS OFFICE AT THEIR OWN RISK. WHERE STAMPS ARK ENCLOSED Wl FILL RETURN REJECTED MATTER 43 FAR AS POS <IRLR, BUT WE DISTINCTLY REPUDIATS ALI. RESPONSIBILITY FOR SUCH IN EVERY CASK. WHERE A PRICE If NOT AFFIXED BY THE WRITER, OSTRIBUTIONS WILL BE REGARDED AS GRATUITOUS, AND NO SUBSE QUENT CLAIM FOR REMUNERATION WILL BE ENTERTAINED. FOR THE CAMPAIGN. 7? WE WILL SEND A ESS, F ‘THE JcpGoR” FOR $2.5) FOR SIX (f OR FOR MONTHS, TO ANY

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BEN BUTLER. BENJAMIN F. BuTLeR, who is the great unknown quantity in the present campaign, isa man of vast and boundless resources versatility. He is going into this canvass to hot all this end in win if he can, and to make it red round whether or no. With view, he emulates St. Paul in being every- thing to every man, that he may by all means gain some. He is an earnest old proseletizer, and just enough of a hypocrite to turn his wall eye toward any one whom he desires to deceive into the belief that he is blind. He has plenty of money, a smooth THE JUDGE. Perhaps the present campaign is as good an opportunity as he could ever find to run for the Presidency and poll a respectable vote. The regular Democratic nominee has neither | ’ ' standing among the leaders of the party nor following among its rank and file. nominated against the wishes of all the best Democrats to catch the sore-head Republican vote, and he has caught it; but feels by this time more candidates in the that, if there were eight field, it be safe to buck Cleveland for a better place would not than a good ninth. Under these Butler can cut his flip flaps in security that he will circumstances, Ben have a good vote on election day, and per- his strength that he may be nominated some haps his party will get such an idea of other time when there will not be a Blaine After all, least, the country can afford to laugh at any against him. for this year, at pranks that are played in the Democratic party. Nothing Democracy can say or do can beat Blaine now.

THE REPUBLICAN REFUSE. We may pick up many an unconsidered trifle from anash barrel. The Italians make a specialty of it, and some of them grow rich at it, but, as a rule, we do not consign to the limbo of the dust heap anything that we regard as possessing any particular value. This is true of parties as well uals. as of individe The Republican party has had quite | an ash barrel full of refuse to rid itself of in tongue, and a supreme contempt for Cleve- | land which

all of will be found very useful commodities in this campaign. He is as many-sided as a polygon, and not much more intelligible to the average voter. He does not think he can win, but he is of the opinion that he can have lots of fun trying. order to enter on the serious business of this campaign without incumbrance. Curtis his and Carl Schurz alone would fill a very good sized and monkey, Geo. Jones, ash barrel, but we are sorry for the scaven- The Democratic gers who have to rake that barrel over. scavengers in this case are the party, who are picking up considerable dis- carded Republican trash and into the Cleveland ranks. weaving it welcome to it all. Deserters are not usually counted very valuable soldiers, even by the army that gains them. them. There is no trusting Falsus in uno, falsus tn omnibus, axiom, both in is an old common law and common sense.

A “HERALD” ARGUMENT. THE Herald, which has espoused Cleve- land’s cause with a vim which it has not shown for a long time on any subject save war maps, is naturally restless and anxious over Butler's candidacy. It foresees, though it does not admit, that the Widow will cost the Democratic figurehead many a vote which he can ill spare,, Thereupon, the object was to show the workingmen that they should not vote for Butler—-but how? The Herald was not found the reasons—not on the surface, where ordi- nary beings would seek for them, but deep Herald editorial writers occasionally drag a sentence or a long at a loss. It down in the recess whence everyone | He was | | allegory from the Samsonian Cleveland. | picture looks as if he designed to show | there is Well, they are | | all profit?

statement at which the world stands aghast. Butler,” rary says in effect to the workingmen, ‘* be- Till a President is elected you cannot get any em- ‘“*Do not vote for our contempo- cause that will prolong the election. ployment. A Presidential election is only one degree better than a war. Therefore, get this election over and go to work again.” All this and parable logician of much more does the incom- the Herald office upon the workingmen. He does not pause to urge get the election over explain how they are to sooner than November, nor how they are to delay it after that date, no matter what they may do. Neither does he give reasons for his statement that people do not work and and eat, make money and spend it, live and die, marry and give in marriage, while an Hesimply says, ‘‘ Vote for Cleveland, and that will hurry things election is pending. up.” But most people, themselves included, are disposed to think that the workingmen would rather accept any amount of delay, rather than have Cleveland for their President. next

THE DEMOCRATIC SAMSON. THE JUDGE, in this article, is forced to speak of Cleveland as a Samson shorn of his strength, in deference to the character in which our artist has seen fit to represent him; but we are far from believing that the illustrious the astonish the world by feats of power, men- Grover was ever man to tal, physical, or political. Perhaps, how- ever, our artist designed to draw a different The that am- bition which may not be impaired by undue no position, no power, no yielding to carnal passion. Cleveland prob- ably realizes as much by this time to quite did Mark Anthony, or any of the historical person- as fuli an extent as Samson, ages who were dragged down from eminence into death’s shadow by woman’s soft and pliant hands. When his fellow countrymen have supplied Grover Cleveland with a lit- tle leisure, by electing him to stay at home, the Proverbs of Solomon as appropriate and we would recommend to his notice salutary reading.

THE ARCTIC HORROR. Tue terrible revelations from the Arctic but point a further moral to what THE JUDGE said a few weeks ago—what does it Of course, we do not pretend to blame Lieutenant Greeley and the brave men who were with him for anything they may have done under the promptings of their hunger, and under the stimulation of suffer- ings which, thank Providence, it is not in the nature of things that we or any of our readers will ever be called upon to endure, We think that it was in execrable taste to rake up the details of that northern martyr- dom at all, but we believe the ghoulish work

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was started by the New certainly that is not a quarter to which any one would look for any evidences of taste. However, the York Times, and Times has torn the snow and ice from those Arctic graves most effectually, and all the horrors are now public property. From what the Greely party did we may judge what it suffered, and while our pity for the brave men is increased and our admira- tion in no way diminished, we feel con- strained to again ask the question—was it worth it all? What secret can that impene- tratable North hold to be an equivalent for so much human suffering, a fair return for so many gallant lives.

FRANCE AND CHINA. THE long-brewing difficulty between France and China has culminated at last, and the nations are fairly at war. now be content to await developments. France has much to lose and little to gain. China has everything to lose and nothing to gain. France is nominally fighting to enforce the payment of a sum of money which, compared with what the war may cost her, is a mere trifle. That the neutral powers will allow her to establish a permanent empire in China she cannot It seems a senseless war. hope. One thing will be interesting to note. What effect, if any, will the war have on the Chinese emigration to California?

We may | CLEVELAND’s letter of acceptance is quite | brief. full thanks for all the good his nomination is likely to do him. A CONTEMPORARY has been at pains to to collect a few European opinions on the Presidential candidates. We are disposed to be satisfied with the all-but-universal con- sensus of American opinion, which has de- manded and is going to elect Blaine. After all, foreigners who continue to inhabit their native country cannot have much effect on our election here. THE defacement of the tomb-stone of Blaine’s infant son is one of the most horri- ble evidences of party feeling we ever re- member to have read of. THE JUDGE is sorry for many worthy and respectable Dem- ocrats who, while they execrate the act of vandalism, eannot fail to see that the world will look for the perpetrators in the bosom of | their party. THe World has some remarks to make about the commencement of the English shooting season, quoting a London paper’s statement relative to the abundance of young birds on the moors, and adding, -out of its own superabundant wisdom, the information that the birds are tame and are shot in cov- erts around English country houses. The grouse shooting season commences on the twelfth of August; the birds are mainly

It is long enough, though, to return |

A CHANCE COMMISSIONER able of s If-support.” CAPTAIN COMMISSIONER << hath” FOR AN SISTED “Captain, you must return this man. He You forgel, there is one employment open to him.’

IMMIGRANTS. is aw idiot, and tncap- , Caprain—' Writing editorials for the ‘ Independent’ newspapers !” found on Scotch moors, and are usually as wild as the World’s own statements. Covert shooting and pheasant battues are never indulged in much before Christmas. But the things which the World writes ignorantly | about in the course of a year would fill a volume as big as Webster’s Unabridged. THERE is a forlorn hope among the Demo- crats that Cleveland may yet be induced to withdraw from the contest. hope is illusive. which fortune has showered upon Grover’s head of late years have unbalanced whatever brain he ever had, and he probably regards | himself, by this time, asa Democratic leader. | And in any event we do not believe that even such drastic measures could affect the | issue of the campaign at this late day, Truth is stranger than campaign docu- ments. ‘THREE-YEAR-OLD HAZEL was being rocked to sleep, the other evening. The little lids were fast drooping as the mother sang, ** Jesus, lover of my soul; Let me to thy bosom fly ”- but here they popped wide open, and with a deliberative air Hazel asked, ‘‘ Mamma, do bosom flies ever bite?” Fact. We fear the | The unexpected favors Out of Date. Poor, poor, T. Nast, Thy day is past, Thy bolt is shot, thy die is cast; Thy pencil point Is out of joint, Thy pictures lately disappoint. Ten years ago Thou wast, I know, A pencil-power here below; Sut that is past, | Poor, poor T. Nast, And other artists, rising fast, Have passed thee by, And that is why Methinks thou'dst better go and die Toil might and main, Thou can'st not gain A single vote from James G. Biaine. And so, T. Nast, Outstripped and passed Live on the fame of what thou wast.

FRENCH plate—S'i/ vous plait. AN old sea-dog always has‘more than one tale. A MAN with acold in his head is like a waterfall—he is catarrh-racked.

Ir ‘‘woman is the Sunday of man,” as | Michelet says, Sunday is pretty generally ‘ observed.

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= ee EES 5 ap BH wre —~ ~ a a ee ee we, SSS Se ee ee Se = wey —_—— rn — ae ae LT Eee i —err Sy ae. —a= THE JUDGE. SUNLIGHT Grover C.—** That’s right, hurl it at Monographs. THE REASON WHY. "Twas on New The plac e, Jersey's sandy, wave-washed shore, say Long Branch, her name, well, Lenore hardly more, Sut I madly worshipped fair Lenore. Perhaps a month I'd known her, Bronze-brown her hair, her lovely eyes the same; But neither flowing locks nor eyes could name That nameless charm, that witchery that came From added graces feeding beauty’s flame. Yes, I worshipped her—and she? ah, She liked me, But her eyes shunned mine, and she turned away well-a-day! loved me, perhaps, who can say! When I offered my heart in my hand one day. No, Twas not because I never married. The reason why? one woman passed me by, : three times have I Proposed, and nary once received an aye. But simply because of this coals to Newcastle—telling a 3 pretty. Carrying girl she It must make a plumber awful mad to think that the hardest frost never injures a bag-pipe. ‘*] don’t believe in add-ages,” said the ancient maiden who had been ‘‘ just twenty- five” for the last ten years, when somebody quoted an old saw. Marcus Aurelius, when you are around inflated with the idea that made a ‘‘mash ” on some passing would find, could you look closely into her eyes, that your image is reflected there in such infinitesimal proportions that it could be hidden fromsight byathreepenny-bit. Try it sometime and see. strutting you have girl, you AND him. / v: ud — e 534 JA & YjYjfy Z iy YZ ya V/ ti 4 SY 4 gt A HEN: We " 4 C/ ‘4 4 Wager Ay ZY thy \ \ \ AW SHADOW, did hate always moral folks.’ There is nothing quite so soothing to the trained ear as the whine of a spoiled “‘child— unless it may be the bray of a lonesome jack-ass. **T beg pardon,” said the awkward youth, as he stepped on the hem of her flowing robe. **Pon’t mention it,” she said sweetly. ‘All trains are occasionally stopped by cattle.” My son, always be calm under contra- diction. Remember, only a fool or a wise man can do that, and it is better to risk be- ing taken for a fool than to lose the op por- tunity of gaining credit as a wise man. It is said that Socrates at an extreme old age learned to play on musical instruments. We used to admire this old gentleman ex- ceedingly, but now that this baleful fact has come to light, we don’t wonder that his neighbors rose as one man, and reverently, but firmly, sat down upon him. Hemlock has its uses after all HE CONCLUDED HE WOULD WAIT. “T wouldn’t go fishing in that pond if I was you!” yelled a big, red-faced man, with a fierce black eye, and a voice like a fog- horn. ‘* [—just as you please sir,” young Boltoddle respectfully. you are the owner of it?” ‘** No, sir, I’m not,” roared the big man. * But all the same I advise yer not to fish in that pond. Understan’ me?” *Cer-certainly, sir—that is, not quite— but, it’s all right, of course. I meant no harm, sir.” ‘“‘Humph! You did mean harm,” bled the fog-horn. quavered **T suppose grum- ‘““You’d a done more harm to > them little pipe-stem legs « 0” your’n than two week’s rest could mend, if you’d spent your day a fishing in that pond. Haint even so much as a sucker been hauled out o’ it in five year past. Now you’ve heard me shout—go on an’ fish if yer want want to. But Boltoddle concluded he didn’t want to. Musical Criticism--With a Vengeance. From the See-sharp (Ind. “We are in receipt of the ‘‘S. Grover Cleveland Grand March” by Mr. Arthur de Montague, and must congratulate the honor- able gentleman to whom the march is dedi- cated, and whose finely executed portrait adorns the title page, on being the ‘ dedicatee’ (ha! ha!) of so clever and well written a composition. The motif is decidedly original and well carried out, and the whole composition shows that its author is no novice in his profession. If we might make a suggestion, the chord C F Asharp, second page, fourth bar, would, ve think be improved by the substitution of C F B flat. With this exception the march is very correctly written, and we could wish the honorable ‘ dedicatee’ no better march to victory than this.” Rep.) July 10th: From the same, July 24th: ** We have received the ‘‘ Jas. G. Blaine Grand(!) March” by ‘‘ Art.” This effusion is principally characterized by plagiarism and incorrectness; while politics and music should not be confounded, we cannot but feel that this march is aptly dedicated. The author might possibly turn a hand-organ crank with success, but as a composer he is decidedly out of his element, and does well his in concealing true name by a xom-de- plume. From the same August 7th: “* Erratum. In our issue of we somewhat severely criticized the Jas. G. Blaine Grand March. It need only be state- ed that ‘‘Art” is the nom-d -plume of Mr. Arthur de Montague well and favorably known to our readers, to correct our inad- vertent mistake.” July 24th, A Deserved Compliment. “And now, gentlemen,” continued the valedictorian of the graduating class, as with a tearful huskiness in his voice he | turned and faced the solemn group of Pro- | fessors, be assured that we appreciate the heartfelt endeavor that each and all of you have made to comply with the rules and regulations which we have made for your guidance—for the cheerful alacrity with which you have obeyed orders that at the time you were perhaps unable fully to under- stand. These traits of character, gentlemen, do equal credit to your heads and hearts, and show what manner of stuff you are made of. Continue, gentlemen, in this course, and no matter what obstacles may intervene to dis- courage your efforts, take my word for it, | you will be a credit to your parents and to the class which has labored so faithfully for your improvement. The ties which bind a college student to his alma mater and to the faculty over which he has ruled undis- puted for four years are—are too thick for utterance. Gentlemen, farewell and god- speed. enema =

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AUGUST.

THE FIRST AND THE LAST OF IT. ee on a Se EO BAT OT a A <4 4 4 "

4 1 | I srr beside you in the shade, i Talk rmal waves” and torrid weather, \ And think what tricks the month has played | Since you and I came here together J | How dreary looked the big hotel— [was early August you remember,—

I stood a top-coat very well, You dressed as if it were November I don’t know how I chanced to speak— The weather was, of course. the topic; It lasted us about a week, Its changes seemed kal idescopic ** More rain to-day!” | You'd answer || And t would add | We'll have that row upon the river.” | | ‘*And cold again!” with a pretty shiver; I wonder when , You'd smile and frown, ‘‘ Next year, no doubt; Sol oughtn’t to wait longer, ought he?” And then I'd bring my Swinburne out And read—you know he’s not all naughty. We had our pleasures; wrapped up warm We'd pace the highlands, wet and gusty, | Or drive, in terror of astorm— | | The roads, at least, were never dusty. And now, you’re clad in muslin light, | As airy as the floating feather, | And I have donned my flannels white, | | And still our talk is of the weather. | | | At last we've had our promised row | | | Through heat that glowed, that seemed to smother; I haven't ask d you since to go— ither of us want another. | | | | | We ne | We've tried to drive; the roads are dried, | Are ground to dust—the air is choking; I flung a good cigar aside } Because you coughed and blamed my smoking. Our early August’s rain and cloud, Our fading August's blazing glories, I'll read aloud Once more those verses from Dolores. G. H. JESSOP. both end in this

THE esthetics now boast of a deep, crimson | sunflower, and this is how they got it: <A | very beautiful girl, a daisy she was, stared | the sacred flower clean out of countenance: it blushed crimson before she was through with it.——Quite natural, we should have | done the same ourselves.

THE JUDGE. No Use Buckin’ Agin Fac’s. ** CONGRATULATE you on your son’s excel- lent address—such good sense in it what any father might be proud of—” ‘*You means well, boss, answered the aged philosopher as he shifted the borrowed claw | to the larboard side of his well deve loped mouth‘* you means well, but Sim has disap- pinted me. Wy dere warint no sentimens in dat ar’ dress dat de wooliees darkey on de ole plantatian couldn’t see frew in no time. Now wen I tended de mass meetin’ down at de Green Pint, dere war four lawyers wat talked on fur six mortial hours about de terriff an’ sich, and bless me ef me or nary other nigger knowed wat dey was driven at. Dut’s what I calls de gift of de gab. Now anybody kin talk dis common sense a sittin on de fence, and ef niggers can’t git above de lebel of it and talk like de wite lawyer so de debbel hisself doan know wich am head or tail den wat’s eddication good fur.—No, Sim | he’s bin a disappintment to de ole man and ” dere’s no use buckin’ agin fac’s. Tue noble art of self-defence is nowadays practiced most with the mouth. WHEN betrothed lovers sing, it is music by the banned. WHEN the people of this country are called upon to make choice between a tattooed man and a moral leper for their president, they might perhaps in this dire extremity be tempted to prefer a cock-eyed ‘* widow” to either. But as that occasion won’t arise we may all breathe freely, for we can comfort ourselves with the reflection that quite as black as he is painted. no one is ‘© Letthe Irish go” exclaimed an irate and disgusted Democratic patriot a short time ago. Well, my friend, don’t worry about it; they are going; in droves, in scores, in hun- dreds, in thousands—right over into the Republican Party. So you ought to feel satisfied that your advice is being so well heeded. CLEVELAND’S N An Open Letter from Col. Joyce. WaAsHINGTON, D. C.,, AvuGust, 1884 Mv Dear JupGE:—Let me congratulate you on the patriotic and pictorial hanging given in a late cartoon to Beecher, Schurz, Jones and Curtis. These sanctified hy po- crites will make royal food for the black vul- tures of public opinion. What a lovely quartette of purifiers. Beecher gives a certificate of virtue to Grover Cleveland, and, of course, that will satisfy this nation and convince mankind that ‘‘our honored candidate ” is as pure as the icicle that hung from the temple of Di- ana, girded by the frosts of purest snow! Schurz has been oscillating between the genius of Jeremiah Didler, and the devotion of Dugald Dalgetty, occasionally exceeding these renowned artists as a personal and political acrobat. He professes honesty and reform, yet he condoned tne Hayes presiden- tial fraud, grabbing the interior Department as his share of the slush. He poses as a peo- ple’s man, yet he signed over to Villard and the Northern Pacific Rail Road, by a hocus pocus decision, enough public land to farm and feed a million of men, women, and chil- dren for a thousand years. Therefore, while picking the mote out of Mr. Blaine’s eve, he should procure a derrick and hoist the beam out of his own. Mr. Blaine’s honesty and purity have never been doubted by those who know the facts, but these mod- ern Pharisees, like those of old, crucify where they cannot control. As a fugitive from justice, a Republican for ambition, a Liberal for the loaves and fishes, and a Democrat, Schurz excels all other Hessians in the scope of his monu- mental cheek and the transcendental elo- quence of his classic hypocrisy! Jones, of the 7vmes, is on the pay-roll of the ConpeN Cvs, and his free trade paper is but the echo of the London Times. But, as the English papers instruct us Americans to vote for Cleveland, I presume we will be compelled to do us they say, just with the same fraternal spirit we exhibited at Bunker

NIGHT-MARE. EW

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. —.e_- F Hy S| a f > & F&F 18 ft m7 i - : 7 % ' | 1 » = 77 t i th 3 - | .— we! ato AEE nme - ow fen Bee ee Amen = Se es ee ae > SR Sa atte THE JUDGE. Hill and Yorktown, New Orleans and Lake Erie, Charleston and over the ocean blue, where its piratical Alabama robbed our com- merce from the sea. Mr. Blaine and his protection friends will be so much delighted to receive orders from the royal robbers of old Albion! Curtis says thisisa ‘‘moral” and not a polit- cal campaign. How very fortunate is this pure and eloquent gentleman in having the ‘*moral” and conscientious Cleveland as his representative! But, Harper with ‘ un- covered head” bowing to the historian Blaine, is not quite so fortunate. Harper would give a heap had he not written that letter to Congressman Phelps. But consist- ency was never worn by the Harpers as a shining jewel. Puck cartoons the terrible iniquity of - political assessments. The Democratic al- lies do not want government clerks and offi- cers to pay money to the committee just at this time. |The hundred and fifteen thou- sand public servants, great and small, will pay an average of ten dollars apiece into the coffers of the national and Congressional committees, making the snug sum of one million, one hundred aud fifty thousand dol- lars, with which to put up Blaine bill-post- ers, circulate campaign literature, hire halls, and induce the loco focos of New York ORy and Indianapolis to see bright on election day! This is sad for civil service reform. The Republicans are in favor of the law, but against its enforcement, While the Demo- crats, just now, are in favor of its enforce- ment and against the law. From the days of General Jackson to the closing hours of Jimmy Buchanan, the Democrats never failed to assess their laborers for political purposes. I do not blame the Curtis-Kepp- ler crowd for opposing the collection of fi- nancial ammunition that will kill their polit- ical hopes. Were I a cabinet minister I should be in favor of enforcing the civil service law; but would dismiss at once any clerk or officer, for incompetency, who did not know enough to support the master that employed him! ede, the Presidency is already settled. The tattoo business, combined with political and personal scandal has silently secured the rize for Mr. Blaine. Cash and brains, hen the earliest dawn of antiquity have ruled the world, and the Republican Party has both, and the nerve to cut with a broad- axe, or strike with a trip hammer. Thine with pathos, JOHN A. JOYCE. Low tied—a married couple of short stat- ure, A COLLECTOR’s business is no sooner said than dun. YESTERDAY, to day and feorever—Demo- cratic blunders. How to go to the wall by the shortest route—through Wall street, of course. WHat with the barbarous barbed wire fence that no Christian man can sit on; and the villainous hoe-handles too weak to lean on, the industrious farm hand is having a powerful hard time of it. ‘*MonEY makes the mare go,” but out in Qmaha, owing to some late municipal events, they have filed the old saw, and now she saws in this wise: ‘‘The Mayor makes the money go.” ; | THE OTHER SIDE SHOW. THE WIDOWS NEW SUN BONKET. When Sunday Comes. (RONDEAU.) WHEN Sunday comes and toilers cease, From busy wi.ys seek brief release, In rest within the sacred shrine, Amid things purest most divine, I, too, in holy courts find peace The powers which bring my spirit ease Are not all sanctified decrees, Some other joys my heart incline When Sunday comes. There, with a book on bended knees, Is one, whose lightest glance I seize With tender eyes, and call it mine; Yes, dearer far than words of thine O, noble priest, or, tuneful pleas, When Sunday comes. A QUALIFIED lady physician Established a prize competition For the girls who could best Cut out all the rest And break the men’s hearts in addition. But a learned M. D. au contraire Who considered the challenge unfair, Soon melted her heart By some chemical art, And they’re practising now, as a pair. A VicTORY at base ball is a side issue. A FIENDISH sport—‘‘ whipping the devil around the stump.” “Oh, where are the booms that are bust- 99 ° ae " | ed?” wails the Texas Siftings. —- ‘‘ Gone | over the dam. | bishops. Jt BE PRESIDENT SH fe ihe WORM MAN = READY FOR ANOTHER JOB. At the Sea. ‘‘T NEVER bathe with the girls, ” young Doodle remarked. ‘If I meta girl in the water I would not know what to say to her.” ** Oh! that’s easy enough,” replied Boodle. ‘*Say the water is pleasant.” ‘* But she would say ‘ yes,’ and what could I say then?” urged Doodle. ‘Why, ask her can she swim,’ Boodle. **'Then she'll say ‘yes’ again, and what can I say?” ‘Well, by that time you could say some- thing funny to her,” replied Boodle.” Say He—e-e-e he-e, and poke her in the ribs.” ‘Ah! yes, thanks,” said Doodle. He didn’t go bathing. bd suggested THE new edition of Republican prayer book contains a special form of prayer for the good health and long life of Mr. John Kelly. ‘This devotional gem is said to be the composition of one of the Custom House It breathes a spirit of extreme fervency. THERE is a story that Prince Vandergoold, | some years ago, narrowly escaped being | made a Christian. It seems that he had gone successfully through the et stages, conviction, confession, and what not, and had got so far that the rite of ‘‘ Confirmation” would soon have done the business for him, but for a maladroit brother who, at thecritical moment of the finishing touch, struck up the old hymn: ‘‘ Come ye sinners poor and needy,” whereupon the prince muttered ‘*the h—1 you say,” and left. This is how it came about that to bea Christian he lacks only confirmation—which is what the story also lacks, perhaps. ; tie! if ¢ a 4

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} | Rk The. Nerport Pelle. | | The Yankee Belle who Newport finds A summer paradise, M iy gild her charms with mussel ls In manner quaint and nic | And every swain shall off ring make RR. | l'o aid the costume rare Till Fashion's self shall happy own The garb is wondrous fait The £ Ong Bronch Belle. The Long Branch Belle, the artist thinks, In sea-weed garb should walk, And on the pier’s fair promenade With suitors lounge and talk; And o’er the drive, and on the beach, The sun’s glad light shall fall, And sea-born breezes kiss the cheek, While hearts are kept in thrall. THE JUDGE. SUMMER BELLES. The Long Beach Belle. I Yankee Belles epair for summer rest And these our artist feign would make In new shell costume dressed; And there upon the wide-spread sand— ’Mongst summer haunts well famed Might loiter on the glistening shore Admired but not ashamed The Cape May Belle. The Yankee Belle, who Cape May seeks, Might don a costume grand To show the Jersey herring off, As neatly here ‘tis planned; And just for chic, and but for ill, She to her lips might set A mild, untainted, fragrant weed— A dainty cigarette. NI Tourist and Ticket Agent. (SPECIAL FOR THE JUDGE.) Tourist (in an August perspiration and | much excitement to Ticket Agent, Long Island Rail Road)—‘‘I want a ticket, but don’t knowexactly what kind of aticket—But let me first ask you. Have I time enough to catch the next train for Long Beach?” T. A. (looking at R. R. clock)—‘‘ Yes, sir, full five minutes yet. We have family, commutation, mileage, excursion, and other tickets.” Then goes on to explain distinc- | tions all which takes about a minute. Tourist—‘*‘ Well, I guess I’ll have amonthly ticket—but have I time enough to catch that train? ” T. A.—‘Yes sir, nearly four minutes yet.’ (Ticket, after about a minute’s delay, | obtained and money paid when:) Tourist—** Have got time enough to catch that train?” T. A.—*“ Yes, sir, ’ almost three minutes yet.” Tourist (after carefully scrutinizing the ticket) —‘‘ all right; but now let me ask you whether this ticket is good for a month?” T. A. —Yes sir. Tourist (after a pause) ‘* Can this ticket be | transferred, that is, used by any other person? —but have I got time to catch that train?” T. A. “I respectfully answer ‘no sir,’ to both questions. When you received your ticket you had time enough, as J then said, but your train has just started, and you'll have to wait an hour for the next.” Tourist—(at a white heat rage)—‘‘ D—n you Rail Road men! Why didn’t you tell me this in time? I will sue your Road for dam- ages, sir.” 7. A.— ‘All right, sir. But understand that the Company requires us to answer all | business questions civilly. I have complied with their requirements, and the fault of | delay is yours not mine.” Tourist sits down and waits for the next train for Long Beach. The threatened suit | for damages has not yet been commenced, Further developements anxiously awaited. T. O'D. O'C. Long Island City, Aug. 1st, 1884. CoMMENT BY THE JuDGE:—The phrase, | ‘* The longsuffering public” has been quoted within our recollection over and over again; but in the case so graphically portrayed by our clever correspondent above, we should be tempted to substitute ‘* The long suffering ticket agent.” The urbanity of the em- ployes of the Long Island Rail Road Com- pany has become proverbial among travelers in that section, and the above is a case in point. Loquacious cranks are a nuisance both to themselves and the public, and, like other nnisances, should be abated. THE kindest cut of all—cut and come again. WHEREIN a dividend differs from a toll- gate—it can be passed without money. TIGHTNESS in the money market comes of looseness in money matters. ‘** MAN proposes,” and--and-—‘‘ Providence | disp——‘‘ No, no, woman accepts nine times out of ten.” A LADY practising at the bar is no new Pr Pte : thing. It is a fact, a very frozen fact, long known, at least to clients, that even the bearded lawyer is in every case a fee-male.

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O} 2 4 ‘5 w/e CLEVELAND SHORN The old story of ce yee i Aor it cies (ne mennonemneninaee = VANEN OMT Ie Mie " ; i . aL sto in xs ro a Se ar ww ?. “. —— rit fy wuauauae —-_s 6 “2 oC ——2 @ CeU Lt SAW SANNA NZ NENEINANS AS NININ SNA NININSSAS HINA ENONENS

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ih. c Cc “3 ~ O Z ea aw ra Y) a x ison and Deli] CO) R

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he. Ge = ee ao reine. a See Se ree REM ee eee 2 S- ee et en pt ln > Purntic interest in theatrical matters has never been greater than it is now. Thespis positively divides popular attention with the electoral cherub that sits up aloft to keep watch o’er the fortunes of Jim Blaine, and managers are pluckily putting companies road in good hopes of winning sufficient recruits from torch light processions and stump orators to fur- nish forth more or less remunerative audi- And, indeed, with the great army of managers and actors the political outlook sweet little on the ences. isa matter of very secondary importance, except 1n so far as it may affect their receipts. With them, as with Hamlet, ‘the play is the thing.” And it must be born in mind that we have a great many ladies in these United States— considerably more ladies than we have voters, and the majority of these (leaving the Susan B.’s and the newspaper correspondents out of the question) take only a secondary and reflected interest in politics, while the stage is for them very real and important. It is from the stage they learn the fashions, and see them exemplified in the costly gar- ments of actresses; the lives of these people furnish them with a perennial fount of scandal, than which nothing is dearer to the feminine breast, and the walk or drive to and from the theatre is often an opportunity (for the younger ones) to bring some dilatory swain to the point and arrange | for a matrimonial settlement after the cur- tain has fallen. And as every town of a few thousand inhabitants has its opera house | nowadays, at which combinations, good, bad | or indifferent appear, from one to eight times a week, the blessing of the theatre is wide-spread and permeating. During the present season the country will have no lack of attractions. Opera, English, French, Italian and (probably) German; spectacle, with all its profusion of tinsel, calcium and shapely limbs; comedy to laugh at or weep at according to circum- stances, and tragedy for similar treatment; burlesque, melodrama, and the nondescript entertainments for which theatrical phraseol- ogy has not yet invented a name, will all be seen in profusion—especially in the com- mencement of the season, for in theatrical matters more than in any other, we find the rule obtain which sanctions only the survi- val of the fittest. : It is expected that the new Standard thea- tre will be ready to open about the first of November. James C. Duff will preside over affairs here, and will commence his operations by producing “‘ A Trip to Africa,” in which Miss Seebold and Mr. Klein, late of the Thalia, will appear. The days of Englich opera at The Bijou are already numbered. Rice’s Big Burlesque Company will soon take possession of this jewel of a place, and will produce William Gill’s new extravaganza ‘“‘ Adonis,” in which Harry Dixey plays the principal part. Hubert Gresham, Lillie Grubb, Jennie Reif- © Well, well. Grover; ain't got any business with this kind ofr 7 ork.” UncLe Sammy. ferth, Mollie Fuller and Amelia Summer- ville will also be in the cast. Miss Jarbeau, who had made a hit in this piece in Chicago, has transferred her young affections to ‘Sicba,” otherwise the Chicago and New York performances will be almost identical. “The Little Duke” continues to draw crowded houses to The Casino, and ‘* May Blossom ” is still an attraction at The Madison Square. Mr. ‘Tillotson is busy with his play at the Union Square, while Wallack’s and Daly’s remain to be heard from. ‘““ Wunted, a Partner,” price ” at The New Park. succeeded ‘* Ca- ‘Storm Beaten” followed close on ‘**‘ The White Slave” at |The Grand Opera House, ‘ The White | Slave” taking a move to the People’s Theatre. Mrs. Florence has been in town, and, pre- vious to her and her husband’s departure for Chicago, where they were expected to open in *‘ Facts,” Sept. Ist, she exhibited to an admiring reporter a lot of new costumes from Worth. Emma Abbott, too, has been telling all about her wardrobe. She has one dress that is perfumed by sachet powder being carefully dispersed among the various linings, etc. Whether this perfume is supposed to per- meate the auditorium or not, she has not explained. to be most benefited by this latest Parisian invention. A STANDING joke—the dude. A SURPRISE party—the party who, having improved his banking opportunities, has secured a berth and thought a pleasure trip to pleasant Paris would be very pleasant indeed. For one rogue that we get from Canada we send twentyinreturn. Is this fair trade? Where be our short-sighted statesmen who clamored for the repeal of the Reciprocity | Treaty? Let the bigwigs at Washington take | this business in hand. Forbid it that the | all-fired double-edged Yankee should be | didled in this way by the drowsy-headed | Canuck. you may be a daisy with the women, but you The tenor is doubtless the one The Modern Bank Cashier. He's a cashier smooth and sleek, In a bank—savings bank; He looks Christian-like and meek. And so frank, and so frank; He attends the Sunday school, And church-people—as a rule— All their money with him pool, In his bank. He’s benevolent and kind, Truly good, (as he should), Such as you will seldom find In manhood, in manhood; He will cast o’er you a spell With his honied voice so well, And was never known to tell A falsehood. But a double life he leads After dark, please remark; And with all his surface deeds, Likes a lark, Jikes a lark, For he sports around so “fly,” (‘‘ Vive la bagatelle!” his ery,) Oh, I tell you he is sly, The old shark. Now he’s stealing from the bank, All the while, full of guile; And the funds are quickly sank— In fine style, in fine style— On ‘‘the street” in Mining stocks,— Then the cash-vault he unlocks— Scrapes in clean of bonds and ‘‘ rocks”, Bags a” pile sal Then next morn this cashier gay, You can’t find—if inclined; For he's skipped to Cana day, Like the wind, like the wind; While each church-associate He defrauded, knows too late That his saintly ways so straight, Were a blind. “ JEF. JOSLYN.” THERE was a young servant named Hanner With a lady-like accent and manner, 3ut she left her last place When the boss had the face To forbid her to play the pianner.

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i } ; } Matilda the Brave, and the Fair Augustine. A Romance of the Wabash, by MacHowLy. PART I. Some shriek! But the time has come to locate the shriek and develop its cause. As the train slowed up, a well-dressed, lady-like Some- thing was seen to descend from the platform, probably to refresh on some of the mild- | eyed lemonade, which they always keep on | Was seen then to weaken about the tap at St. Butternut Junction. to descend and region of the legs and roll in a lumpy condi- | tion down the tender mud-bank into a family of geese. The geese hissed horrible. There was plenty of time but none to lose. A by-standing lady jumped down the bank, and rescued Something from the hisses. Up to this time Something’s sex was a matter of conjecture. The stiff hat and collar, the boots, the ulster, the spilled cigarettes might become either; it appeared that the shirt opened on the back, and the hair was parted in the middle, it was clear that it was one of the unfair sex. For the rest, he seemed to be in the sweet green of youthhood, and unremotely connected with dry goods. But what todo? His nervous and other systems being in a state of shock, the dark prairie-mud standing in livid drops on his noble brow, and, worst of all, one corner of his only shirt collar broken and bent hope- but when | lessly inward—it were cruel to abandon him | to the tender-hearted brakeman. for that is the name of our hero, saw the difficulty and went for it. In a transport of—of her strong arms, she bore him catter- corneredly across the fields and laid him on the porch of her father’s house. But here, though already behind time, we must reverse the engine and retrospect a little. Who were these souls that the decrees of fate had sent so dead-headedly down the slope of the ages to mingle thus by means of a goose hiss and a little mud? Matilda, from the age of six to sixteen had lived a sheperdess, and as such, had tended her father’s flock of pigs and the district school. But this prairie lass, though not born in the woods, discovered with girlhood’s intuitive glance, that she, too, had a heart. Then pigs and spelling lost their charms. We all know what follows such lost charms. She made attempt to recover them, but on the contrary she soared. Being prevented from going to sea on a Mississippi flat boat, and from joining a circus, she did the next no- blest thing—got a place—or was it a posi- tion (?) in the village store. Thus did she add to the substantial virtues of the prairie that nameless grace which comes of much rubbing against society. Our hero has, in fact, been present at a railroad collision, and half a hotel fire, besides eating ice cream oc- casionally at mid-night. But nothing of fast, mind you! She was never the worse for liquor, and never had occasion to knock down a patriot of the other party on election day. She did, in fact, preserve that dem- if-I-know—what—of-an-exquisite-something- ness, which is always adored in the angel sex. Even the cane which she carried without fatigue was intended for business, rather than for style. Like a sensible girl she believed in dress and plenty of it, and when she appeared in public the chains they rattled, and the ribbons they wove in the breezes, and when she walked one abreast down the main street of St. Butternut, the Matilda, | 4 Pomren’ + / \ er ( 1 [CAR VELANGy | (PRESENTED | | i yesh a “AND THOU TOO, BRUTUS!” We expected $50,000, at least.” Sammy—* O, the bar’l’s all right, but that’s all I can throw away on your masher.” Barnum—* Uncle Sammy, is the bar’l getting low ? dogs and the triflersthey got. When, gaunt- | letted to the elbows, she, too, when she yalketh abroad, can paw the air in that lady modish manner which transporteth the awe- slappe? looker-on to that region where the Walrus doth paddle in the slush ice. As a singeress our hero doesn’t much pretend, but for whistling, she has the voice of a steamboat caliope in a twilight evening com- ing around the bend below Louisville. Asa smokeress she does have her feminine capric- es, and can’t abear the clay pipe, nor even a West Virginia long. Now if this description of our hero’s man- ners and customs should incline you to regard her as an effeminate Miss Charlie of a girl, get your perishing tools in order and perish the thought at once. Any experienced lap- dog, or esthetic novelist, or other inspired judge of the female human nature would be able to tell you how much of manliness sticks out from those Roman eyes, and the glance of that bright nose, and the lofty chin which bangs have never concealed. But put we an end to this painting of Matilda’s, else must we smash the heroine’s portrait into a mere blotch, lifeless as life itself for want of room. One Little Slip. As an orthodoxy preacher, Our friend H. W. Beecher Takes the bun-—in other words, the cake. But when he goes a stumping, . He'll find it keeps him humping To explain away his candidate’s “‘ mistake (?)”. To defend dear ‘‘ Father” Stephen Or, explain the matter even, Will simply serve to sooner seal his doom; He had better go a fishing, Or he'll find himself a wishing That he'd never left his famous cave of gloom. The Dynamite Family Mrs. DYNAMITE has been feeling misera- bly ever since her encounter with the spirits of hartshorn, and she has sought seclusion in a small boarding house inher native hamlet. Mr. Dynamite and the little explosives accompanied her thither, but her troubles have not ended. Notwithstanding the probibitory laws which are supposed to keep all men and women sober in River Vil- lage, Mr. Dynamite has managed to work himself up into a hilarious condition two times in as many days. The night after their arrival, he went out ostensibly to play whist with one of the old- est inhabitants, and staid so late that Mrs. Dynamite had been in bed at least two hours when he came in. She left the kerosene lamp burning for him, and beside it, on the bureau, stood a bottle of bay rum, the cork of which was missing. Now Dynamite came up stairs with a tolerable steady step, and he made a mental resolution not to say one word that would give himself away. No matter what Mrs. D. might do, or how aggravating she might become, not one | word would he utter. For once in his life he was able to carry out his resolve, and when the nocturnal blowing up commenced he shut his lips firm- ly together and made no sign. Of course | Mrs. D. told him he was beastly intoxicated, but this was a stereotyped phrase of hers, so | he only sniffed rang at the remark /as he slipped into bec . Nosooner had his head touched the pillow, however, than he was told by Mrs. D. that he had better stop sniffing and get up and put out the light, that is, if he were not too drunk to accom- plish so difficult a feat. In order to show Mrs. D. that he was nof drunk, he arose in dignified silence and

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JUDGE.

=—= ae . pam a SS we

— ‘or the Dynamite SE —. en eo

~ ar. a .

; is ) sulphide of stumkake wife called him TT} the next morning. —w a a —_—_ oe S pe rito ial cramps, a, Sb We ~

April in the Country. A belated prose pastoral, t not t late to temper the heat ‘* Acn the beautiful flowers, the greener grasses, the happy child , the songing birds.” My German fr'end had caught a glimpse of the sweetness of the breath of a morning in spring, and he!piessly broke forth into the Inglish rapturcs which we have set down in sympathetic ink. And why not? When ature is about to put on its green ulster, ind the buds about to put f | orth their tender trees; and the-voice of the sna] ping turtle } } £1} heard in the land; and the swamp folk veak out in opera and clothe the pond with musical verdure; and the Arcadian barn-yard is fragrant with the first notes of the tender- and the pig with all the latent rtsaas energy of his nature aroused, tears around

hearted ec: ; +» vitl . ] with a straw in his mouth, in a manner al- most human: and the mysterious something- ness of the season does unfreeze the general current of the young poet’s soul; when, in short, a thousand other things,—who is it that would not pine for the—the Beyond— the beyond the city limits

the circumstances, we pined and went. At the end of the week we unpined and went mack. lis true, we found the country « n more rural than in the yore duys. In the front yard the mud seemed more tender, the flowers more absent, the bones more present, rl 4 — ihe pig-sty under the spure-room windows had a more penetrating way of mak know! t it was on board: the wil ! had a more natural unwashed aspect: and albeit the bacon seemed more all-powerft and the beans less deficient in strings, the potatoes more sproutful, the bread mor weightful, the pie-crust made of stronger leather, yet Though the spring chicken seemed more unapparent, and the eggs more infrequent, and the maple syrup more invisible, the honey more unheard-of, the milk more pro- foundly skimmed, the molasses more glu- COos\, the butter more oleomargerinous vet- -— And the woods, oh the countrv woods!— how instinct with dead leaves and briars; 4 how exuberant with piles of brush! And the country dog who now did gr; psp the guest’s calf in his faithful jaws, and anon did } lace upon the oe st’s white wesket the imprint of his faithful jaws. And the breezy country weather, how penetrated it to the very marrow of the guest’s bones; and the pet country wether how did he playfully upset the unwary guest with a butt but yet——_—_ And the scientific tab try breaktast table—how each morning a bring away eral rheumatisms, and a eral upply of Old M ( { don’t I } r what Intage ) nad thot [ neve

mitted to pay ten dollars for the week’s h« pitality. Yet, ah the pring-time, and ol ; } nv country'—lovelier ve be: but ther ackdraws; and not everything is gold thut doesn’t elitters. SHE was singing ‘‘ Flee as a Bird,” and just because he asked he r if he d think that it was a rather peculiar way of conside ring the insect, she did not spenk to him all the rest of the evening.— Boston QD j

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From Beef to Beans. Tne clerklet sleek Llis earnings saves, And stays a week Besides the waves. It only means That through the Fall Ile’ll live on beans. Boston P, sf

She Was Not Alone. * Are you alone? ” The young lady urned found, close to her own, tl an old masher. She had taken a seat In the park to herself for a few moments when these words close to her She art and he hideous face of with a st r | rest were spoke Nn ear. looked at him a moment in aston- then said: ishment ‘“No, there is a policeman waiting for me around the corner; he said if I saw any sus- picious characters loitering around to whistle. Ilave a seat?” as she pursed up her mouth to whiatle Ile didn’t accept the invitation.—Carl Prat Week

A Coffin For Sarah. SaraAw Bernuarpt—‘‘Ilave you any cof- fins metalic, monsieur? ” Undertaker—‘‘I of them have plenty.” Sarah (tragically)—‘*‘ The stars for that I Suicide commit I have deter- thank. mined,” ‘* Suicide? ” Sarah—‘‘ Oui, ouf, oui—suicide! Have vou not the ears? "I'will be a ‘dramatic end- r to a dramatic career. Think you not my dear madam Undertaker—‘ But, sarah **sScek not me to dissuade, but my measure take at once. I want a coffin metallic to fit me.” Undertaker—‘* Pardon, madame, but you have come to the wrong place Advance vourself a the road to the maker of ‘ross ‘And why to him?” I ‘* Tle a large stock of old gun hand ?”—Philade Iph ia Call.

“LAKE barrels has on

A Kissing Record. A RECENTLY deceased Frenchman kept a rt board. Tw nty years ago he married, and 1 his wedding day took the original resolu- tion to keep a yearly account of the number his wife until their | f of kisses exchanged with union became severed by the death of one or the other. Just before he died he confided this vccount toa friend for publication. During ki ses ex- 00), life the he d ws fio ire of 36,8 ; but in the follow- was a deer inscribed on his reg- the first year of wedded chat Ft a day onanaverag ing twelve months ther re ase, not an 1,600 being the third year shows a still great- g average number of kisses peng but ten a day. And after the lapse of five years a furt reduction is recorded and the account keeper’s only two kisses were exchanged during each twenty-four honrs one on tiring to rest.” Later on, during the last ten years of his married life, they ‘‘ only kissed each other on leaving for, or returning from a journey,” and he had little trouble in mak- ing up his annual domestic statistics.— Lon- don Standard. more th

ister, her ner one on rising, re-

task was simplified, for |

THE JUDGE. He Insulted Papa. ‘EM MA. I hear you have broken off with (;eorg ; as Ye es; I am sorry, insulted papa.” ‘* Why, what did he t “* Well, you know, last Sunday kinder kicked him off he came round Mond slippers with the if | wouldn’t get on. New Y but it had to be. He do?” night, and Ly he brought a pair of toes padded,and asked me the old man to put them Dial. papa the steps, when

Don’t Mention It. Ir was a married man blessed—or the op- posite, as the reader may determine—with an extremly je One evening e he seized a chance opportunity to harming sixteen, and drooping | mor over every man who happened of thei alous wife. not io escort to a < miss of bl ashes exercis- who e ed rat ola to come ue eves within range r charm, At last her home was reached, and as they paused at the gate the maiden turned her lovely orbs full upon him and said: Yj ‘““l’m so grate ful for your kindness “Don’t mention it, I beg of you,” he ejaculated, gallantly Very likely the misundet the for she ans tone: unsophisticated maiden motive of his remark, wered, in a reassuring “Sto id quickly ““Oh, I certainly won’t sir, if you don’t wish me to! ”"— Lowell Citizen. *“Oh! Woman,” Etc. ‘‘Wrat’s the matter, dear?” asked wife of an ent —- city editor as he turned home the other day. a Matter enough,” growled the j ‘oWh v, to-day’s issue 1s going pancake. lelegr overland, and not vith a gloomy brow . 1 a sing case of manslaugh ter up to the hour of going to p ess, A bso- lutely nothing but a snide suicide up in Cninatown —Chinese opium fiend, or some- thing, ‘ Poisin case, eh? ” she asked, soothingly. “Oh, no: pistol, afterws ards. ”’ ‘Why, item, isn’t it, darliug self, did he P ¢ nothing! ”—San that’s a ‘Sickening Tragedy’ him- ’s better than ? Shot and me, now, tha Fran antist Was USO The De Reponsible amateur ely attended A CONCERT was o1Ve n by some musicians out We It was larg 1 by the general pub ie. One voung lady, be- longing to one of the first Tamilies, wit ha large army-si ed mouth, sang a selection from an Italian op ra which was vociferously applauded, part ( warl by il of the front seats. ‘Turning with whom he was not a ger 1 stranger to his neighh« dd, th Oll ore is quainte stran- said: ‘What has! ” beautiful teeth that young lady ‘“*T am glad to hear It isa high compliment to me.” ‘Ah! you are the young lady’s father. You have indeed a charming daughter.” ““Oh, no, I’m not her father.” ‘“‘ Her brother? - ‘No. Iamnorelation whatever, but ’'m the dentist who fixed her mouth up with those teeth you admire so much. I only charged fourteen dollars for them, but they have not been paid for yet.”—Ex. you say so. i

| s 13 Always Ready. ‘““Sree here, Mr. Milkman, you « th fresh milk and yet it is sour. It e 1 not have been milked this morni ; ** Oh, yes, mum, inde t was, mum You know it stormed g 1 ligl ning always sours milk But how could the htning of last night affe it if it w not milked until this morning? ” ““ Well I guess the cows must have been struck, mum.”—Piladelphia Coll. Not That Providence ‘Are the people in Providence so very, father. than the “* What very poor,” ast rest of u ven. hat question, my cenhila gentieman. pi “on ‘Wel iid the little girl, ** I just heard this mornin it Sunday school that every- body trusts in | f "hs “Go way uid the old gent. You make me tired SsOrs

Was Proud of Her. never gentle- ““SINCE my wedding « ivy I have given my wife a ere ; k,’’ said a man to an ace untancs =“ Vou unre a mode man, s ind you de- se rve all the good things of this earth,” was ply ot - I 7 d not occur to the frie that the model husband +17 . ] rs anything else than a Carl Pretzel’s Weekly. dat the time not dare to be submissive husband.—

Johnny’s Logic. ‘“COULDN’?r you find room enough for vourself mn that bench without pushing that little boy off on the floor? ” asked an Austin

any room for myst the reply; ‘‘ I wasn’t crowded at all.” ‘*Then why did you push him off? ” lo g yt him more room. iat was the boy who was crowded, so ] push d 7 olf to o1Ve 1m plenty of room. There is @ creat deal more room off the bench aes there is on it,”—Tevas Siftings. He Comprehended. SOME time ago a country vouth sauntered into the office of the local art academy with his ‘‘ first {Tor it his side , Ie said nothing, but simply turned the painting so that the manager could ret the full benefit of its many original features. That yentleman looked at the canvass for a few St nds and then hi eyes sought the face of the « ginator, <W) is it you wish?” he asked, scow- ling the vy boy **T thoug!) I thoug you might be to han ict 1e@ academy! ” aid he, with evident ! ‘ “ou ey it paintin h academy? Thunderation, no! But if you don’t hustle

out of here 1vely Ii] I ike ul | hang you on the first lamp-post.” The youth picke stretcher, and, with a sad, comten air, de parted for his home in the interior of Boone county He compre hended the the art-critic, for he a pole in the corn-field to scare away the ees and then went to feeding hogs ior his living.—wScissors.

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ne? = - Se ¢ ¢ ie 14 A Sure Cure. is I can’t ever find pockets,” he observed, ‘*T poN’T see why anything in my angrily. ** 1 don’t see, either,” she returned; certainly have pockets enough.” ‘Too many, I guess. Oh, Just as I expected; in the last pocket. always that way.” *« Well, it is easily remedied.” “* How?” ** Why, look through the last pocket first.” Ex. **you here it is! It is Moral for Husbands. Mr. Minxs—‘“ I don’t know what we shall do. I have lost all my money in the Grant & Ward failure.” Mrs. Minks—‘‘ I am not surprised Mrs. Finks was in to-day and said her husband did not lose a cent.” *‘ That is strange. was.” ‘“‘ But he drew it out three weeks ago, at the request of his wife. ** My gracious, you don’t say so. ‘Yes, she and I both demanded money forour spring wardrobes at the same time. Her husband yielded, but you, my dear, refused.” —Philadelphia Call. Ile was in as deep as I In a Cincinnatti Sanctum. MANAGING Editor—‘* Has writer sent you his article yet? Foreman—‘‘ Yes; it came ago.” Managing Editor—‘‘ What is it about?” Foreman—‘‘It is about the danger of drinking ice water in warm weather.” Managing Editor—‘* Good subject. he looked over his proof yet?” Foreman—‘“‘I sent it to him, back untouched.” Managing Editor— he correct it?” Foreman—‘‘He is too drunk. phia Call. the leader in two hours Has but it came ! Why doesn’t “Strange: ”__. Philadel- Lovely Time. Miss A.—Yes, I have just returned from Canada. I had a lovely time. Met every- body in the best society. Miss B. —You like the ¢ ‘anadians, then? Miss A.—Oh, I did not associate with Canadians, but Americans. The American society there is just splendid. I had snch lovely rides with Mr. Minks, the rehypoth- ecator, and Mr. Finks, the ex-financier, and I nearly fell in love with Mr. Pinks, the handsome young embezzler, and I just wish you could have seen Mr. Blinks, the eminent defaulter, lead the german. He is just too sweet for anything.—Philadelphia Call. Domestic Intelligenc. .‘Is Mrs. McSnefter in?” asked Mrs. Yarger of the servant who took her card at the McSnifter mansion, on Austin avenue. ‘“No, she done went out about an hour ogo.” ‘“‘T am sorry to hear that she is out. when will she be back?” ‘*T don’t know when sheg winter come back!” but I ken run up stairs and ax her for you.’ "— Texas Siftings. THE JUDGE. A Golden Strand. I FOUND upon my collar caught A single strand of gold. What mem’ries back to me it brought— But then, the story’s old. For one and all have once or twice Had on their bosom rest Their darling’s head, and thought it nice To feel her throbbing breast. Whose heart pulsations seemed to speak Of love so fond and true, And for a confirmation scek Within her eyes of blue. We’d dally with a pretty curl, And smooth her wavy hair, But when we’d find our coat ar oil, Great Cesar, how we’d swear! What Victory Means. Two or three merchant travelers were talking about the prospects of business from a politicel standpoint. ‘* Well,” said one, ‘‘the election of either man will not effect me very much, but Jones, there, ought to make a big thing out of it if the Democrats win.” **Oh, I don’t think so,” responded Jones, who was representing a big whiskey house. ‘“The deuce you don’t? Don’t a Demo- cratic victory mean a big demand for whiskey?” ‘*Of course not.” “Why not?” ““ Why, you blamed fool, do you think if | the Democrats win after all these years of deprivation and anguish of soul, that they will take whiskey in theirs?” ‘I should think so.” ** Well, you just bet they won’t. has been good enough for twenty years or more, but victory, next November, means champagne, champagne, champagne, three times a day and between meals, and don't you forget it! *Rah for Cleveland! ”— Merchat Traveler. A Brave Man. THERE goes a brave man,” said a citizen, pointing to a passer-by. ‘‘ He is one of the bravest men I have ever seen.” ** Was he in the army?” some one asked. **T don’t know.” ‘Then I suppose you have known him to distinguish himself in personal encounters? ” ** Not particularly.” “‘Why then do you regard him a brave man? ” ‘* Well, you see, sometimes ago, I got divorce from my wife.’ at ** That man married her.” PALE faces areno longer fashionable at the watering places. Tan is very popular, but to be in the height of style the wearer must have a few large freckles artistically set in a cluster of mosquito bites. — Philadelphia Cail. How refreshing it is to the city man to walk through the green fields of the country when they are adorned with thousands of wild but beautiful flowers. and how it arouses his sluggish energy and sends the blood coursing through his veins when he carelessly kicks over a wasp’s nest and has to run for dear life. —Philadelphia Chronicle. Whiskey | Cleveland’s Lament. *‘ Tt is not so, That years ago, Unrighteoug paths I paced; And caused great woe To that widow,— For I always was chaste!” ** But a hard row I have to hoe, Since on that ticket placed; For now I trow, Where’er I go, By scandals I am chased.” bai Jef. Joslin.” Only. A LUNATIC whose monnmania takes the direction of autographs runs violently down a steep stairway leading from a shop, and exclaims triumphantly to another sufferer whose disease it art: ‘“‘T have it! I’ve gehuine Raphael! ” just bought one—a ‘A Raphael?” replies his companion ‘I have one.” The autograph collector — scornfully “Yes, but yours is only a picture!”— From the French. YOUNG MEN!--READ THIS. THE Voitaic BeELt Co.of Marshall, Mich., offer to send their celebrated ELectko-VoLtaic BELT and other ELEcTRIC APPLI ANCES on trial for thirty days, to men (young or old) aff with nervous debility, loss of vitality and mar kindred troubles. Also for rheumatism, neuralgia, p and many other diseases complete restoration to he alth, vigor and manhood guaranteed. No risk is incurred as thirty days trial is allowed. pamphlet free. Write them at once for illustrated Cleveland or Blaine. All Clubs wanting outfits would do well to send for our large colored list of Torches, Capes, Helmets, Caps, Belts, ompetition In prices. Our ¢ largest of any in the trade Weare sole makers and patentees of the populgr Telescope Torch, which we sell to clubs and Dealers at liberal prices Good inducements to Dealers. Agents and Peck & Snyder, 126-1530 Nassau St., N. Y. ARTISTIC CAMPAIGN BANNERS. Your attention is hereby called to the splendid Portraits of the Presidential and Vice-Presidential Candidates in on painters’ canvass, made chemical process, and highly « oil colors, as transparent as glass lecorated. They are intended for by a new Procession Banners, Window Transparencies, Lanterns; aiso in shape of Maps, with two wooden or metal! rollers. 3 feet high, by two feet wide, per doz., $12.00 Complete Torch and Lantern, above size Pictures of Pres ident and Vice President per doz., 6.00 18 inches high, by l4 inches wide, per doz., 6.00 18 inches high, by 3 inches wide; double size, President and Vice-President on one sheet, per doz., 9.00 Complete Torch and Lantern, and above double size Pic tures on two sides of the Lantern, four Pictures alto gether, perdoz., 8.00 Medalion Heads of Jas. G. Blaine and Grovey Cleveland, silver or gold, mounted on plush cushion easels, size 10x13, each, 1.00 It is impossible to describe the beauty of execution and gen eral appearance of these goods. You will find them without any competition in regard to novelty, beauty, and real artistic value. ** The only truthful portraits, superbin color and per- fectly transparent,” So acknowledged by both Republicaa and Democratic General Committees. tz Samples forwarded at dozen rates with addition of & cents for packing.” SCOTT ART COMPANY 176 Broadway, N. Y.

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8 — ; Sa a ree a. 5 ae > ee CKER. ’ . Wx —w ISTHE Sorp, REENBA (ERS es a: CANDIDATE a at ae Pr” LLP T> le a8 fi A aus MAJOR GEN. BUTLER’S LETTER OF ACCEPTANCE.