St. Louis Post-Dispatch
August 28, 1904

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SALE ADS | tel. during July were printed in the next largest St. in the Post-Dispa Louis Want Medium YOuR WANT AD AT ANY DRUG STORE. — Poe te _ VOL. 57: NO. 7. = ST. LOUIS POST- DISPAT la “s - : ‘ ety . . - * ~s P og +k RES Oe ; : yee Se Pee > ~ 3 7A a - * hy : is » em > {ew oe > a beg y gee Bass a. ee i A ep et SS y Pik 3 oe er > . Rohe Lege ES Sala See % a Re Eee y _ a . 4 ~*~ pe i Soe ts eu ys A ne - Bsting . & Be % ish, 3 . * Ge i : 1 27 eee G he “4 s 4 te 4 he “a x / A. te, i os iu i ; red in the Post- Appeared in the were el eae | Sitaalbea Want, & patch during t St. / Louis Want 3 Medium, : LEAVE YOUR WANT AD AT ANY 'y DRuG —_—_—_—- es ——_—_— ST. LOUIS, | SUNDAY wie sik 28 se AUGUST 2 28, ee 1904. , PRICE FIVE ad TELL YOUR TROUBLES si ‘ | \ Woman Who Wants to Bring Wants a Divorce, Man Who Back Hits Runaway Wife, Landlady Who Is Afraid Board- er Is Going to Jump His Bill, All Pour Their Woes Into Ears of This Young Man Wagon. Who Drives the Citys Trouble By WILLIS LEONARD CLANAHAN, D ON’T tell your troubles to a policeman; tell them to Dalton. Dalton is the Official Hearer of Troubles. him and are paying him good money to listen to their tales of woe and give them profitable advice. The people elected Because he listens to all comers and because he satisfies many, Dalton has come to be known, in the language of the street, as the ‘‘Fixer.”’ Dalton sees more of human misery and human folly every day than any other man in St. Louis. Weeping wives, enraged husbands, tearful young women, tough young men, abused and unsophisticated strangers—all these appeal to him daily to right their wrongs and to make restitution for their losses. Women come to him seeking divorces and go away indignant be- cause he will not write them out forthwith. On an average he hears 150 tales of woe a day. One hundred and fifty tearful-tales a day. That means 900 a week, 4500 each month and FIFTY-FOUR THOUSAND A YEAR! Only to think of it! Only to dream of it! Into the ear of one lone man, 5 feet 8 and weighing barely 140 pounds, are oured the woes of 54,000 individuals every year, and yet he wears a smiling face and keeps a good appetite. Dalton is the assistant prosecuting attorney. He is the man whose signature on presides over the warrant office. He is the man who a piece of paper makes an offender against the law shudder. He deals with everything, from the theft of a loaf of bread to the em- bezzlement of $500,000; with everything from a fist fight to murder. But these cases are easy to handle, for there are laws that deal with them directly. It is the ‘‘little, unremembered things ’” of life that make Dalton’s job unique, and which reveal to him the follies and foibles of the human race. VERY day crowds g0 to Dalton’s FE office on the top floor of the Four Courts. Hardly a day passes with- out from one to eight applications for di- vorce. There were four last Tuesday, for example. One of them was a girl about 19 years of age. : “Good morning, judge," she said as she tripped into Dalton’s office. They all call bim judge. They think he §fe tHe boss of all the courts. Many men call him oolonel, because they think that flatters him. ‘Well, miss, what can I do for you?” asks the assistant prosecuting attorney. “Tl want to get a divorce,’’ she announced positively. ‘“‘My husband desefted me 16 mnonths ago, and I want.a divorce from him.” “You'll have to apply to the circuit court for a divorce, madam,”’ said Dalton. ‘I have no right to grant you a divorce from your husband.” The young woman. looked at him in- credulously. ‘“‘Why,"’s she said, ‘my uncle tol4 me to come down here and that you would fix the matter up right away.”’ Again she was informed that she must apply elsewhere, and reluctantly she de- parted, fully of the opinion that somewhere there was a screw loose in the legal ma- @hinery of the city of St. Louis, State of , se. A man strolled in seeking a warrant for @ man who hed stolen his wife. WANTS GOODS, 1 NOT WIFE. Whenever a man a warrant for/a man who has stolen pry wife, it is safe to wager that said wife has taken something of which the petitioner desires to secure on. Tt is not the man he is after, wife. It is some inanimate object. case it waa the furniture. “What do you want this man arrested for?’ asked Dalton. “Why, he stole my wife,” said the man. “Do you want to get your wife back?’ asked Dalton. “No, I don’t care about her. I just want #o have her arrested.” “Well, what for? You say you don't want to live with her any more.” “What for?’ ejaculated the injured husband. “Why, she stole all my furni- ture. nor the In this “T can't issue a warrant under those cir- ecumetances. A wife can’t steal from her “Can't steal from her hueband? Why. my wife stole everything 1 had, all right.” “But I can’t issue a warrant.” “What! Can't you get my furniture back for me?" “Not a stick,”’ sald Dalton. “Well, Fil be"— and the man walked out, fully convinced, apparentiy, that Dal- ten had taken the t’p and was coing to claim that furniture for himeel!. DIDN'T EXACTLY KNOW. Z tee Eatiae Salton?” }- a am Mr. Dalton. ‘What lieve that my husband {fs going to leave town tonight with another woman, and I want you to arrest him at once, so that I can save my furniture.” “Do you know that your husband is go- ing to leave you?” ‘“‘No, sir, I don’t exactly know it, but I believe it, and I want you to arrest him.” “But, madam, I have no authority to ar- rest your husband.” “What! Not when he ts going to run away?’’ “No—not even if he should run mes twice,’ “And yet you are a judge!’’ This very sarcastically; and the woman flounces out of the office, firm in the be- lief that all men are in league against helpless wives. Enter woman with blazing eyes, leading a little girl by the hand. No preliminaries for her. “Judge,”’ rant for Mrs. 809 —— street.’’ ROUGH 0 NMILLINERY. “What did she do to you?” “Why, IT was calling.on a friend of mine downstairs at that number when this woman poured water all over my little girl's hat. Just look at that!" (Exhibiting a child's bedraggled bonnet.) “And I never saw this woman before.”’ “Did she do it purposely, do you think?’ asked Dalton. “No, I don’t suppose she did. think she knew my Iittle girl was sitting there.’ “You'd better take your little girl home and get some dry clothes on her,’ said the great adjudicator, turn- ing to his next caller, a man. “Well? said Dalton. “Colonel,’’ he said, “I want to get @ warrant for a Jef- ferson guard.” “What for?’ “Why, he arrested me.’ “Didn't he have a right to. arrest you?’ she says, “I want to get a war- ——, who lives upstairs at I don't “No, sir, he didn't. Besides, he tried to muke me ride in a hoodlum wagon.” ‘Did you gor" ‘No, sir.” What then?’ “Why, I slapped his face.” “And you want a warrant for him after v oral orvmelediedt you ulapped his face?" us ‘ai A BARBER CHARGED ME x Gros : i i) | ‘a di Ss a “Yes, sir.”’ *-¥ou’d better be glad he didn’t slap you wics his sword,” said Dalton; and that was the ond of that. ACCESSORY TO ELOPERS., “Judge,” said a woman, “my daughter eloped with a young man, and I want to get a warrant for the woman who sheltered them.”’ “How do you mean?” “Why, this woman knew they were going to elope and allowed them to meet at her house, ami I want to send her to jail.” “But you can’t send her to jail for fiat.” said the imperturbable Dalton. “Not send her to jail for helping my daughter run away?’ “Noe; not this week.” ‘Well, if that don’t beat the world!” ex- claimed the woman. “If you call] that jus- tele, I don’t want none of it in mine.”’ Wnter large woman carrying an ax. “Judge, your honor, I want to get a war- rant for my husband for striking me with this ax “Did he hit you with that awful thing?” asked Dalton. ‘Yes, judge he did.” Dalton wrote a note forthwith command- ing the husband to appear at 10 o’clock the next morning to explain an attack so un- usual. He appeared. re visible. “Judge,” said the woman, without Ifntro- duction or as much as “by your leave”’— “Judge, you look Ike a kind-hearted man. Couldn't you take this child and keep him?” “What! Me?’ “Tes, sir.” “And take ever I go and try to raise seif?”’ “Yes, sir—any way will do.”’ Dalton gazed at her a moment in silence And then toid her how impossible it would be to grant her request. Enter the man with the pull. “Hello, Jack,” he calls out as he enters the door. He voted for Dalton a couple of years ago this fall, and of course that not only gives him the right to exclaimed Dalton. him around with me wher- him ail by my- Geis MATIN G Brg MONEY AT THE LS LING M14h2- Jack, but to borrow money and ask oth- er favors. “How Mike?’ asks knowing that thing unusual the wind. —_ 2 Jack,” are you, Dalton, some- is in tell you, says the man with the pull, taking Dalton by one hand and placing a braw- ny mitt on his shoul- der, ‘‘there’s a young friend of mine in bad downthere and there's’ A bunch that'll é likely apply for a warrant for 'm some time t'day. Now, this yours fellow's cl right. He works hard up here at th efurniture factory and always votes right, and I hope you won't be too hard on him. This thing don't amount to nothin’. O, yes, he was in the work- house a couple of times, for stealing a baby’s bank or something. I believe; but what's that? The best of us is ilable to get a ride in the hurry-up, ain't we? He lives up in my precin't, and I tell you he's all right. Now, @o me a favor, Jack, and remember what I tell youll, if these guineas come around lookin’ for a warfant, will “I guess Paeatiecn that,” says the man with the pull, as he foes out, never having once removed the smoldering “rope from his lips. HER “PHONY” DIAMOND. Enter young woman escorting a supposed diamond as big‘/as a glass stopper. “Judge,” she says, “I want to have a ‘That's right,” said Dal- ton: and she fidated out and away. Very similar to bers was the case of the man with the $3.25 watch.» The seller assured him that it was a l7-jeweled affair” with & solid gold case. “Well, what about it? asked Dalton. “Why, it ain't worth $3.25."" “How do you know?” “Well, soon after &£ bought it I went into « place and tried to pawn it for $%. The man laughed at me and gaid, ‘I'll buy it off of you for 8%." And here I had paid $3.2 for it only a day or two bee fore." And he, too, was left te ponder and repine. “Mr. Dalton, I want te have a man arrested for selling me a horse for $15.” “Why so? Do you want me to make him let you have him for $10?” “No, not that, but when I got this horse he was warranted sound and healthy, but when I hitched him up to a buggy he wae too weak to pull an inch.” “What -_ the matter with him?" “Well, tell you the truth, -O6T..Dalton, I think A. horse was hungry.” “Didn't you notice that about him first?’’ “Well, he looked kind of wobbly and not very slick, but I never thought nothing of it at the time.”’ “What do you want to do about it?’ “Why, I want this man arrested, because this horse ain't near as good as one f bought last week—not near as good.” “How much did you pay for the other horse?"’ asked Dalton, ‘Seventy-five dollars.” NO REDRESS FOR LUNCH. Dalton turned on his heel. “What can 8 do for you, sir?’ he asked of a man standing near. “I want to get a warrant for a man for stealing my lunch.” “Whit's his name?” ‘“! don't know, Mr. Dalton.” “How do you expect me to issue a wake rant, then?” “TI hadn't thought of that.” “How do you know this man ate your lunch?” asked Dalton, who ta forever. aske ing questions. “Well, he was in a shed where I had put my lunch, and when he came out of there about fifteen minutes later, it was gone. Besides that, just as he come out | seen him rubbing his stomach like he was ¢te joying something.” ‘Maybe he had just been taking 6 drink,” sald Dalton, who fs not without his enjoyment of the little subtieties of life, and who has seen a few vaudeville shows himself. “Well, if he had, it must of been fightin’ whisky,’ seid the man, “for just ay eon as I accused him of havin’ et my dunch, he turned in an’ fairly beat the everlastin’ livin’ lights out o° me.” “Did any other individual have access te the- shed during the period in which your lunch was sequestered there?” asked Dalton. “Come again with that one, please” enld the man, palpably pugsied. “Was arybody else in that shed besides this man after you put your lunch there? elucfiated Dalton. “O, sure,” said the bunch.”’ ‘That settles it,’ said Dalton. “And don't I get no warrant?’ “Not so you could notice ft.” WAS OUT OF HIS RANGE. Now, here's a woman with a tot trouble on her mind. -You can tell that ty the solicitous look she wears as she enters the door. “What's the trouble, madam?" eaked Dalton, anticipating her recital. “Well, nan; “aulte . Iman arrested over here on Market street.”, + “What for?’ asked Dalton. “Why, he sold me this diamond.” . “How much did you pay for it?’ “Three dollars.” “Well, what about it?’ “Why, the old thing isn't worth 33.” “Hiow do you know?” “Because I took it to a jeweler and had it tested. He said it waen't worth any- thing. ra “Did the man who sold it to you tell you st was worth anything?” “Well, no-not exactly; but he charged me $3 for it.” “Did he tell you it was a real diamoud?”’ “No, sir.” “Did .you expect to get a diamend for $3, marked down from $997" asked Dalion. “No, sir.”” “And do you expect to this man, who hot, get a warrant for id not deceive you?” from the way you talk,” young womaa. git make ‘em take that “Why so?’ “Well, rll tell you. to perounce’) and the right, but after I got “O, yes, four or five | to hurt it at ail.”