St. Louis Post-Dispatch
April 14, 1907

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o--- VOL. 59 NO. 2385. — aaa

THE PAN — Wherein Is Set Forth, in In ‘spiring Melody, the Story of a Great Reform Cru- sade [hat Cured the Min- ions of the Law of the Treasons of Smoking, Swearing and Not Keep- ing Their Clothing Spot- less. DRAMATIS PERSONAE. A Board of Police Commissioners, Absorbed in Purifying the Force. Sergeant Strong, Representing the Force. Mr. Public, the Innocent Victim. An Honest Cop, Who Comes to Grief. A ‘‘Right’’ Cop, Who Flourishes Like the Green Bay Tree. Chorus of Panelworkers, Who Know Their Enemies From Their Friends Chorus of Highwaymen, Who Plunder at Their Ease by Daylight.

(Enter a huge cloud of thick vapor.. Its nu- cleus, after strenuous exertions by the wind, is seen to be a Board of Police Commissioners, puffing infinite smoke from large cigars.. One leads bythe eat Sergeant Strong, whom the smoke causes to - gag and strangle. They advance to the front and sing.) ¥ * COMMISSIONERS. Police Commissioners are we, And purity our hobby; A Sunday Sehool the Force must be, A Chesterfield each Bobby. “What though fierce crooks range to and fro? Cops must be strictly comme il faut; This one aim in their noddles: Try to be mollycoddles. — (They form a circle and pace staidly about Ser- ‘ * reant Strong, shaming him on their fingers in time to music.) Fie upon you, smoking copper-— Puff, puff, puff! As a sinner you're a topper— Puff, puff, puff! Faugh! the filthy weed ain’t proper, Quit it dead or | Krom your job you'll take a cropper® Puff, puff, puff! Oh—Puff, puff, puff! Nasty, dirty smoking copper-— Puff, puff, puff! 4 ‘tain’t no whopper (They seize upoh their prisoner and retire to a large table in the back. They are immediately hidden from view by a bank of smoke, through Ww Sergeant Strong’s distressful gasps and coughs are frequently heard. Enter Chorus of Panelworkers, gaily dressed and glistening with diamonds. i ; : They carry opium pipes decorated with ribbons. During the first chorus they go through the motions of picking a pocket; during the sec- ond, they puff their pipes.) FIRST PANELWORKER (Solo). Oh, who would not a sneakthief be! Who has else such honor? Our Police Commissioners Stake their faith upon her. - Though a cop be white as white, Years of record without blight, - If she says: “That peeler’s ‘right’” Zip! His head’s a goner! CHORUS OF PANELWORKERS (Dancing a break- : down). ‘Steal, steal, steal with care! That don’t hurt with a Commission-aire. Just’ say you divvid your loot with a copper, You'll go free but the cop’ll go kerflopper! Steal, steal, steal with care— That don’t hurt with a Commission-aire. FIRST PANELWORKER (Solo). Oh, who would not a dope fiend be! - Who has else such credit? White is black and best is worst. If she only said it. Dear Police Commissioners, First in many, weary * «ars To give our words lelieving ears- Bless you, that you did it! (CHORUS OF PANELWORKERS (Dance again). ppe, dope, dope with care! THE POLICE

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| may nave made an error—maybe— But did you hook My pocketbook ? FIRST PANELWORKER (Flaunts the purse in his face). Sure, I did ‘hook Your pocketbook. And what are you A-goin’ to do? MR. PUBLIC (While Panelworkers laugh and clap their hands at his cries). Ye Murder! Ho! Oh, \Iv Never where they’re wanted—woe is me! gods!—Police! Help! shall this deed unpunished go? own police, where can they be? I hire the cops and pay them, too, And thus they leave me in the stew, (Hears familiar coughings behind smoke curtain, and plucks up hope. Looks triumphantly about at his tormentors.) Now, Jezebels, in just a bit Ill prove that I am strictly It. Those coughs belong To Sergeant Strong, And he will see I’m done no wrong. iil show you whether with impunity, Yowll rob the public and get immunity! CHORUS (With contemptuous faa chromatic laughter as Mr. Public pushes through the smoke bank). Oh—ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ila, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! (Re-enter Mr. Public on the run, pursued by the Commissioners). COMMISSIONERS (With petulance). Seoot, you brute!, Cant you see he’s busy? We declare, your silly plaints Almost drive us dizzy! What's a measly “snatch” or s9— You have_plenty of the dough; And he’s got bigger things to do Than to guard the likes of you. There's only time for turning Virtue’s course Through the Augean stables of the force. And now what heinous, mortal sin o you think we've caught him in? Nowjoking: Th’ outrageous rascal really has been smoking! So scat, You bat! Can’t you see he’s busy? He’s “pinched” us all a hundred times, And grafted not a Good reasons why We'll lay a scheme pair of dimes; we hate the Bob— to “get his job 1% (They consult together, Enter an Honest Cop- per, white-haired erect and grim.) MR. PUBLIC. Oh, for joy! Here’s the end of my annoy! Sir, these jades and hags ignobi Plundered me of every obol, And their impudence so free Adds insult to injury. Quick! Their knavish schemings euchre! Make ’em give me back my lucre! HONEST COPPER. Ah, I’m in the nick of time. Harpies foul; this present crime Is by your past careers confessed— You all are under my arrest, Come, now, ante up his dough! Then to the lockup you must go. CHORUS OF PANELWORKERS (Malignantly). Just keep your shirt on, Mr. Cop! Don’t be too sure we're sinning. On us for years vou’ve had the’ drop, now it is our inning. us all a hundred times, ust You've “pinche. Convicted us of scores of crimes But ’S the year that we get even. Ninteen-hundred-seven (First Panelworker deftly slips Mr. Public’s purse, after emptying it, in Honest Copper’s pocket. They face toward smoke bank and call sweetly.) Police Commissioners so dear, See this villain here! We, you know, can't tell a whopper— He’s a gratting copper! (Quickly enter Commissioners, bowing and smil- ing to Panelworkers.) COMMISSIONERS. Though everybody else can go to Hades, There's always time to listen to you ladies, (Pounce upon Honest Copper and tear off his star and buttons.) What! Foul pickpocket knave!—have you the face ‘Too look upon US in your vile disgrace? Yoirre fired to take effect What is the crime that he’s committed. pray? instanter Say,

PANEL WORKERS. We saw him rob poor Public there— To contradict he’ll hardly dare— If more proof’s wanted on your docket, You'll find the lost purse in his pocket. upon Honest Copper and finding the purse, they fall gun, (Commissioners take his stick and beat him soundly.) HONEST COPPER (Between whacks). Alack! your honors, these are lies! And oh, sirs, is it wise To take the word of thieves and crooks And dope fiends, by their looks, Against a cop whose honesty Wharf to Cabanne? Resounds from COMMISSIONERS. Silence, pirate, imp of Hades! You shan’t slander these good ladies. We believe them every time, When they charge a cop with crime. Skidoo, For you! With the Force you’re through. Panelworkers (Exit Honest Copper, sobbing. glory in his downfall.) (Mr. Public has stood gaping with speechless amazement during these proceedings. As he now shows signs of wanting to interfere in behalf of Honest Copper, Commissioners turn upon him fiercely.) COMMISSIONERS. Ingrate, avaunt! Would you flaunt Your thanklessness before our faces? Don’t you know That you owe Your purse restored to our good graces? (They fling him the empty purse and retire in state behind the smoke, Panelworkers exult.) (Enter “Right” Copper. He wears diamond rings on every finger, his night stick is studded with gems, his buttons are set with diamonds, and a pearl necklace is wound about his helmet. While Mr. Public beseeches his aid he exchanges derisive and confederate winks with Panelworkers.) MR. PUBLIC (With an affectation of command). You are my employe, sir, Paid from harm to fend me ;, On yqur oath you did aver In trouble to befriend me. Know, this hussy did purloin from my pockets all my coin. Quick, now, apprehend her, And to the lockup send her. “RIGHT” COP. Out upon you, little pest! Oh, what vicious libels! Wouldn’t b’lieve ’em if you swore On a ton of Bibles! Why, these girls are friends of mine, And their moral rep. is fine. Gee, yon must be loco! Skip, you rip! Before I bust your coko. (Drives Mr. Public off the stage, encoufaging his departure with blows from his club. Returns amid applause from Panelworkers.) PANELWORKERS (Sing). Since to our interests youve been true, Pray what can we, sir, do for you? “RIGHT” COP (Sings). From you, sweet Meg, I wish a batch Of horses and a carriage; And you, my Peg, will kindly “snatch” Ten autos and a garage. Rob me, good Moll, a diamond store, And get a hundred gems or more; (Though, if you can’t encompass this, A house and lot won’t be amiss) Besides, on all you steal, you Your humble servant, dears, must havvy. SAVVY, (At this hint, First Panelworker gives him half of Public’s money. They dance together, other Panelworkers joining. They sing.) Hoch der “Right” Cop! Hip, hooray! Being honest doesn’t pay; For the “Wrong” Cop gets the ‘lime, While the “Right” Cop every time, (jets the spoils, both gold and argent, And—be mum-—-he'll soon be sergeant. dancing.) (Exeunt (Enter Chorus of Highwaymen. They wear black- jacks and half a dozen pistols in belts outside their coats.) HIGHWAYMEN’S HYMN TO THE SUN. Shine away, old orb of day! We. no longer dread your ray; For. however clear your light, With the cops it’s darkest night. . They. with inward looks intent, On their own shortcomings bent, llave no eyes on us to spy As our hloody trade we ply. Sinee they're to introspection given, St. Louis is the criminals’ heaven;

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-_-—— ——————- THIRD SET OF TWINS KENTUCKY JURY BETTOR MONEY BACK,

IOWA MAN NEAR DEATH. ~ MINER'S FIRST GOLD FOR WEDDING RING. oe * nc | ater Mr. Public, « little, timi rtive, harrassed look). ee Dy Oh, look who's here! (First Panelworker dexte- 3 "tk is ey T e doctors say that all pipe fiends are liars. ¢ Commissioners credit us as if we was friars— , dope, dope with care! don't hurt with a Commission-aire. 2 ae. - Batya? ems "That dont. hurt with a Commission-aire. PANELWORKERS (In Gelight). e te + , z PUBLIC F| ti = g a " aw Th el oh 5 . pene hick TPR. aa ce igs +, ne! tikes’ Pied Lae ys ; 52a (Mr. Public, thee his hands and laments, while Panelworkers titter. TWELFTH PANELWORKER Cheese it! OTHER PANELWORKERS (Laughing iously as Commissioners retire into smoke, (Suddenly aghast). Cheese it. giris! Oh popper! Yonder comes an Honest Copper! uproar- Oh, you little simpleton! — Sure you must be fooling— Don't you know iis reign is done, And that we are ruling} He—thank our Commissioners— IN KANSAN’S HOME. Fven Exnerienced Mother Gets Babies Mixed. WICHITA. Kan., April 13.—One of the unusual events of this year happened at the residence of William E. Marks, 1120 South Lawrence avenue, when twins arrived to bless the home of Mr. and Mrs. Marks These two tiny mites of stern persuasion are sO much alike that it is impossible to distinguish one from the other. “The only way we can tell which is which,” sald the happy mother, “is by tying different ribbons around their wrists. I sent Mr, Marks up town for some ribbon for this purpose, and he was so excited that he got only one color of ribbon.”

This is the third set of twins born to ‘Poolroom Tickets

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Exhibit at Novel Trial. © COVINGTON, Ky., April 13.—For the first time in Kentucky annals a jury in a United States court. in Covington, returned a verdict awarding a plaintiff money which he claimed he lost in poolrooms, by betting money on horse races, —The case was that of J. Clrde Wolfe against officials of poolroome whieh had been operated in West Covington in 19%. but which are now closed. Wolfe sued to recover $7400 which he Claime. he lost on the horses. To es- tablish his allegation he exhibited about a peck of losing ireom tickets. At- torney O'Neill, or the defendants, claimed the tickets could have been | icked off the floor of the lrooms. The jury awarded the plaintiff $2186. O’Nelll says he willl file a rehearing, and if this is the hig,:-

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Blood Poison Develops in Pecu- liar Wound, AFTON. Io., April 123—News has reached here from Hopeville that J. A. Conley, a farmer living in that vicinity, is near death’s door from blood poison- ing resulting from the attempted fitting of a new pair of shoes. It Is said that Mr. Conley was being fitted tn a loca! shoe store of that little village and up- on thrusting his foot into the shoe scratched it upon a nail imbedded in the sole. ; (‘pon attempting to remove the he found it so painful that the footgear was cut in order to facilitate the moval. Nothing much was though ea: the wound at cee ge a. By Po 2g

Prospector’s First Thought Was for Daughter, DENVER. Colo., April 13.~The first gold taken from the famous Hidden Fortyne mine at Lead City. 8. D.. was used fin making two gold bands used in the double ring wedding service whienk united LAllian A. Grants of Deadwood, ard M. Howell of Denver, bride's father, Otto Grants, a pio- neer in South Dakota; is the discoverer of the mine and is a mil as a re- sult of hie stroke of fortune. For @ years he had been a poor among the hille and when wedding pretty he ag Sect . K ie Ma ‘ si) ee Sa) * ae : ; vi ae oe ae ee "Rev. Faward E. Giffen of the West- oh ss oe = a

The foree, absorbed in its own vices, To us the city sacrifices, aS We've laid our masks, disguises, by, =~ Our good dark lanterns idle lie; In broad daylight we plunder free— Long live the Commissioners! so we dance.) ’ (Enter Mr. Public, wandering aimlessly and” moaning his troubles and the apathy of the Poll Highwaymen descend upon him, beat him in inch of his life and rob him of all he has left, ing shoes and most of his clothes. Then careless leisure.) ae -_ MR. PUBLIC (Recovering consciousness gering to his feet). Oh Heaven! send a guardian angel down, To succor me in this crime-ridden town! ‘My earthly guards, paid to suppress my Have left me naked to the assassin’s blows. One other time I'll ask for aid, l'rom Sergeant Strong, my servant paid; If he repulse me in this plight, Why, in the world there’s no more right. (Drags himself bleeding through the smoke. — enters a moment later escorted by Commission with more haste than politeness. They sing, rage.) Burk ydoodle, You Can't you see he’s busy? noodle! By the saints, your foolish plaints, Drive us almost dizzy! Just now his wits are all hard p To tell why he’s without a vest; To dream he’s time to safeguard But you will still come butting in To vex our work with silly din, Skedaddle, You addle- Pate! Can't you see he’s busy? (Commissioners push Mr. Public off ugh wings; returning, they summon Sergeant Sts who comes out of the smoke look “i ashamed of himself. One catches him aga ear and they advance to center of the for the closing song. Nothing can equal thel pearance of conscious worth and virtue.) — COMMISSIONERS’ PAEAN OF All glory now to us redound! Success our labors vast has crowned, We know we've earned the noblest We've purified the Force's morals, Distractions, too, we have subdued— Old Publie would hia woes obtrude; You bet we made the rascal git, And his fool interruptions quit. But look upon our finished work, This sergeant, once a wretched Turk; We've tanght him not to semeke of drink And of a cuss word never think. Se : We've forced him to cut out the slang, (lis grammar, though, ain't worth « Bay We've manicured bis horrid claws, fe? 4 | Sandpapered ) his beiry jaws, = | Until he shines as bright as new, s ¥ z

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