Puck v65n1665 [1909-01-27]

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THE INDIAN RUNNER, PAST AND PRESENT. FROM THE AGONY COLUMN. Single Lady invites Exchange For jewelry, laces, a morning gown, And volumes of a poetic range. 1 Wants clothing suitable to go down To business daily. Would join a class To learn stenography. Answers go To Chloe Iieartbroke of Widow-Grass, Lately of Arcady. Honeymoon Row. A gentleman offers to sacrifice Some furniture, with a double bed. And a lounging jacket, used only twice — A bargain for any about to wed. Wants sporting implements. Kindly call With guns or tackle or clubs to show, On Strephon Iieartbroke at Bachelor Hall, Lately of Arcady, Honeymoon Row. Layton Brewer. “THE INTEGRITY OF THE COURTS." San Francisco, Dec. 28. — Eight years in prison for stealing eight copper cents from an Oakland store was the punishment dealt out to-day to George Gron, who with a companion entered the store. Gron pleaded guilty. This sentence is in startling contrast to a year and a half given to J. Dalzell Brown, who wrecked the California Safe Deposit and Trust Company and robbed 1,200 de¬ positors of nearly $9,000,000. — The Sun. THE PENNY SAVED. The Penny Saved was put in the Bank, the Old Broken Teapot having gone out of style. Here it presently overheard two voices talking. “ I want to borrow fifty million dollars to fi¬ nance a candle trust!” said one voice. “Glad to accommodate you! ’’said the other. And the next the Penny Saved knew, it was going out into the channels of trade. When the man to whom it belonged fell into sore need (he was a candle-maker and the trust crushed him out) and came to the Bank for his money, he was courteously informed that the institution had passed into the hands of a receiver and recommended to call again in a year or two and get his share of the assets, should there prove to be any. R B THE QUICKEST QUICK LUNCH. Drill Master (to the Sandwich Squad). — Raise sandwich to face! Bite! Bolt! And repeat! Snappy work everybody 1 Pie drill in thirty seconds. rhose (who are the first to demand the right of free speech ought often, in justice to themselves , to be the last.

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PUCK NOTES OF THE MAGAZINE WORLD. 5 Publishers of the Outburst announce that they have order¬ ed ten thousand brand-new capital “ I ” s to be used as a substitute for the Editorial WE under the new dis- lensation. The report that Vice-President Fairbanks on the expiration of his term of office is going to Asia to shoot Mongeese for the Gastropolitan Magazine at eight and a half cents a word lacks confirmation. ..’SfST The Ladies Home Joynal will start a ^ ‘ new department next month entirely de¬ voted to Cake Construction. It will bear the attractive title of “Boklet Eclaires,” and will be edited by the Editor. The public will be delighted to hear that a new joke has been secured for early publication in the Spring for the Editor’s Pigeon-Hole in Carpet’s Magazine. Its authorship has not yet been disclosed, but it is believed to be from the pen of Ptolemy. Mr. John D. Oilyfeller’s Reminiscences will continue to appear in the Woy/d’s JVoyk as heretofore. The next chapter will be entitled “ Beginnings,” and will be lav¬ ishly illustrated with half-tone photogravures of the first dollar Mr. Oilyfeller ever made, of which he still retains ninety-two cents, and a painting in crude oil of the original Rebate. The April number of Out-Of-Doors will begin the Memoirs of Bonide Castel- lane who has lately made a deeply inter¬ esting study of out¬ door life. The Edi¬ tors of this clever periodical aver that the Count’s story is one of the most tre¬ mendous bits of pathos that has ever come before the public. The “ Confessions of Carnegie,” now AS PREARRANGED. ominie. — Who giveth this woman t< running in Dick Watson's Magazine will be devoted in the March Number to a consideration of the Evils of the Public Library. It will be quite as sensational as the same Author’s mem¬ orable attack upon the Steel Tariff. The South American Review will run a novel in Esperanto by Ilenry James during the coming year. It will be entitled “ Whjat Iljenry Knjeuj , and prizes will be offered to all readers who can translate it into English at sight, with a special prize to any sub¬ scriber who can tell what it is all about within six months of publi¬ cation. “The Diary of a Bar-Tender” in Me Queer’s Magazine has elicited such favorable comment from readers of that diverting peri¬ odical that the series will be continued and early numbers will con¬ tain “The Confessions of a Can-Rusher," “The Memoirs of a Mixer,” “The Autobiography of an Eye- Opener,” and “The Secret Sorrows of a Soak.” A children’s Magazine has offered Mr. Thomas C. Platt ten dollars a word for “Stories of a Second-Childhood.” Sidney Deronda. Going Down. Almost Down. Down ! !

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:ar — eight o’clock.” ell, what of it ? ” ’d say ‘what of it?’ if I were you. You know very well that eight o’clock is your bedtime and that when mother speaks you have ^ ~rWr- to do as she says. Go right to bed.” “Lester Jones doesn't have to go to bed until — ” “It doesn’t make any difference to mother when Lester Jones goes to bed. She knows that her little boy has to go to bed promptly at eight o’clock, and that is all there is to it.” “Harry Pryce says that — ’’ “ Mother doesn’t care anything about what Harry Pryce says nor when he goes to bed. She knows that eight o’clock is your bedtime and that when she speaks you have to obey. Little boys can’t keep strong and well and sit up late nights and — ” “Nine o’clock isn’t ‘late nights’ and — ” “ It is a whole hour later than I mean that you shall sit up, and you know me well enough to know that it is not of the least earthly use for you to try to argue the matter with me. When I say ‘ eight o’clock ’ I mean ‘bedtime’ and you know that — ” “When I’m a man I’ll bet you that — ” “Percy, how often have I told you not to say ‘I’ll bet you?,’ I have forbdden you a dozen times to use that ex- pression and you go right on using it exactly as if 1 had not LAtjjKaW/ spoken. Now, Percy you know perfectly well when say a thing I mean it and that if there is any one thing I insist upon more than another ^ prompt and quiet obedience. Mother knows best what is good 1 * for her little boy and — what is that? Mother doesn’t know everything? Percy, is that the / \ /'"•a way to speak to your own . / I \ \ mother? Mother may not know I I \ V"/ everything, but she knows that 11 i eight o’clock is her little boy’s \ “ I / bedtime and that he has to go to bed then, and here it is twenty minutes after eight and he hasn’t even a shoe off. I you to — l “ I’d like to know why I have I to go to bed so soon and — ” f ‘‘For the good reason that mother thinks that it is best for you to go to bed promptly at JUST BETWEEN eight o’clock, that is why. And you have to go without any argu- Sadie.— Say, honest non ment. Your mother is not one of Pauline. Well she these foolish mothers who argue with means real well, blit¬ her children. When she speaks her Sadie.— Neither do I. children must obey, as you very well know, and — why don’t you put down that book and get ready for bed ? ” “I want to just finish this little bit of a story I am reading.” “You can finish it in the morning. Here it is almost half-past eight and nearly half an hour since I first told you to get ready for bed and not even a shoe unlaced or a button unbuttoned! When I was a little girl I had to go to bed when — ’’ “ I’m not a little girl.” “No; if you were you would mind your mother better and — why don’t you put down that book and get ready for bed? You know very well that when mother speaks she — there! the clock is striking the half hour and you should be in bed and asleep at this moment. Percy, do you think for a moment that mother will permit her little boy to disregard her authority in this way? I was over to Mrs. Parker’s house the other evening and I noticed that when she spoke to her Willie he obeyed instantly and — what is that? Willie Parker is the biggest chump you know? He is a good boy who minds his mother, that is what he is and I only wish that you were that kind of a ‘chump,’ as you call it, although I don’t want you to use such words and have told you so fifty times. Now put down that book. You hear me t Very well. You know what it means when I speak, and you knowthat I never want to tell you but once to do a thing. Mother must and will be obeyed. The day will come when you will be glad that your mother taught you the duty and the beauty of prompt obedien.ee, and — it hasn’t come yet? Well, the day has come when you have to mind when you are spoken to, just the same and — ” “Bennie Tyler sits up until ni “ What Bennie Tyler’s mother ie every night and — is foolish to allow him to do is nothing to me. I have my ideas and standards for the rearing of my children and they — will you look at that clock? A quarter to nine and eight o’clock ex¬ actly is your bedtime! Now, Percy, I mean to be firm and I don’t mean to enter into the least argument with you. Once is enough for any mother to speak to a child, and here I have told you at least a dozen times to go to bed and there had not spoken at all. Now, \ young man, you are very much r (*0. I mistaken if you think that you I can be indifferent to my author- y jj ity in this way! You simply „ must go - to - -bed! Percy!” “What do I want? As if I f ' hadn’t been telling you for nearly an hour what I want! Here it is just a few minutes of nine and — here comes your father. Now I guess you will stir yourself. Father, I wish that you would make Percy go LADY FRIEN’S. *° ’s ^onS Past his bedtime and there he sits so — ” do you like Maggie? “Percy! you hike off to bed S got a good heart — an’ she this instant, young man, or you’ll wish that you had!” “Aha, Master Percy, so you are going to bed at once. The sooner you learn that when father or mother speak to you you must obey instantly the better it will be for you! Little boys have to obey in this home! ” Max Merryman. A BROMIDE SQUELCHED. “ [Tetter cut out the booze, old boy; there’s nothing in it.” D “I imbibe for pleasure, not profit, m’ friend.” fter all, it is a robust culture buhich proxies equal to the strain of putting * *■ on exlening dress to sit dobt/n and listen to a mechanical piano-player.

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PUCK Scene — Editorial sanctum, interior of tent pitched in the African jungle. Tropical flora visible through entrance in middle background. Improvised desk in centre ■with large camera upon one comer; gun leaning against desk, chairs. Skins of wild animals, trophies of the hunt, in great profu¬ sion, hung from top and sides of tent. Time — Early morning. Discovered, One — Editor seated at desk, busily writing. Secretary stand¬ ing near. B I) i tor (looking up). — Did you send that cablegram to Herbert Parsons, telling him I would consent to run for Senator in 1911? Secretary. — Yes, Sire. Editor. — And the one to Woodruff, telling him to deny absolutely the report that 1 was a candidate for the Senatorship ? Secretary. — Yes, Sire. Editor. — Very good. Here is another. Take this. ( Dictates ) “Taft, Washington: No, don’t be too rash with the Tariff. Much splutter, little action, is the game. You know where the contributions came from.” Send that by a courier at once. ( Secretary rushes out. Editor seizes pen and writes furiously. Secretary returns greatly excited. ) Secretary. — Sire, a tiger approaches! ( Editor jumps from chair, grabs gun and dashes into the tropical flora. Secretary grabs camera and follows. Moment of sus¬ pense. Loud crashing through undergrowth. A shot is heard, then another. Re-enter both, displays impressive row of teeth.) Editor. — Brought him down all right. Places gun in former position, turns to Secretary.) Did you get a good photograph ? Secretary. — Yes, Sire, a splendid one (Editor smiles) of the animal (Editor frowns). Editor. — Of the animal t Well, try to get the hunter in next time ( resumes writing. Secre¬ tary sits down, takes letter from his pocket and begins to read. The only noise is the scratching of the pen, with occasional exclamations of satisfaction from the writer. Shouts outside. Attendant enters with cablegram.) Attendant (addressing Secre¬ tary ). — Cablegram, sir. (Retires ). Editor (impatiently). — Well, well! What is it? Read! Secretary (reading). — “Foraker, in Senate speech, says this Administration, like last one, is a fake, that it abuses malefactors Editor, in glee, but never injures them. Jack London out with a magazine story saying a certain eminent citizen is a fourflusher as a hunter. Iowa farmer’s wife is the mother of triplets. Taft.” (Editor paces from one end of tent to the other, waving both arms, his fists doubled. ) Editor. — Here, take this: “Taft, Washington. Remove all Foraker sympathizers who hold Federal offices in Ohio. To prove Foraker false, instruct Attorney- General to bring suit against the Hatpin Trust. As to London story, tell Associated Press I killed a man-eating tiger shortly after sunrise to-day. Telegraph congratulations of Ad¬ ministration to Iowa farmer’s wife; she is a desirable citizen.” Give it to a courier at once. Secretary. — Yes, Sire. (Goes out. Editor seats himself at desk and writes rapidly for several minutes. Secretary re-enters, excited.) Sire, an elephant approaches ! Editor ( grabbing gun and dashing out again, followed by Secretary). — Hold the courier for an “add” to that cablegram, if he hasn’t left yet! ( This time there are four shots. Editor and Secretary re-enter, the former with a broad smile, as before.) Editor. — “Add an elephant to that cable¬ gram.” (Secretary hurries out to obey ; Editor seats him¬ self at desk and writes. Secretary returns.) OHCe • Secretary. — Sire, it is time for the regular morning photograph. ( Editor lays down pen, draws gun toward him, and throws out chest. Secretary trains cat. era upon him. Camera clicks, and Editor re¬ turns to his writing. His pen moves without a halt for ten minutes. Then he folds sev eral sheets into a bulky roll, rises and hands roll to Secretary.) Editor. — This is that article on “The Return to the Quiet of Private Life.” Have it mailed to the Rev. Lyman Abbott, New York City, U. S. A. (Sweeps all the papers off the desk, and raps upon it violently with his knuckles, bringing Attendant on the run. To Attendant) Serve us here, please. (To Secretary) Now, when we’ve had a little breakfast, we’ll be ready to begin a real day’s work. l. G. n ing photograph. IT IS TO SMILE. In walking through a train, a smile always relieves the tension of the moment — even if it is the train of your hostess’ best dinner gown. A smile is frequently used to conceal a vacuum. If it is a broad smile, however, it defeats its purpose. If your newly married friends insist upon your holding the baby, grab the infant firmly by the back of the neck and smile. The parents will remove the child at once. If your dinner partner is talking over your head, smile. He will probably grow uncomfortable immediately and change the subject. If your rival appears to be cutting you out with the only girl, smile. This will rouse her suspicions at once and she will devote the rest of her time trying to find out who “that girl” is. A smile is a handy thing to have round, even when it is as broad as it is long. It may square a long-standing grievance. Barbara Blair.

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PUCK THE BLACK PERIL. MIX the white men save their faces, Johnsing bruised his way to fame i're among decadent races Is something of a sin and shame; The race that gave the world Leander, A Cyrus and an Alexander. No longer figures in the game. The dead game sport, the sport Caucasian, For withered honors vainly yearns; No sophistry and no evasion Can change the face of the returns; The race that gave us Bob Fitzsimmons The hotbed seems of naught but lemons. Since Johnsing smothered Tommy Burns. A SOCIETY COMPOSITION. The professor seated himself airly at the piano and announced in a far-away voice: “ Song mitoudt vordts," He rendered a few dreamy chords; and But Gee! There is so lit then Bertie Flippe told Mrs. Dasltleigh a screaming story and a bunch of debutantes in the corner quarreled about the handsome villain at the Mimic. The professor roused. “Song mit vordts — lots of vordts,” he corrected. THE PEOPLE -OH, GEE! TOOK HIS CUE. The Guest. — Arrah, why do ye kape th' cues locked up, Dinny? Sure, this ain’t no pooblic parlor. The Host (in a whisper). — Whisht! Wan night I come home a little late an’ th’ good wife found a cue handier than th’ broomsthick! “’T'he American people - ,” began the new United States Sen- 1 ator; but the presiding officer rapped him to order. “The Senator will confine himself to matters of interest to this body.” The Senate then went into committee of the whole for the con¬ sideration of the anticipated size of dividends from their holdings for the coming year. The great John L. delivers lectures, And Corbett elevates the stage; Jeff only fights in moving pictures, And Jake Kilrain is bowed with age; And so the coal black peril prhnces, This product of the far Xyanzas, And there is none to lift his gage! Walt Mason. PRATTLINGS OF A PLAYWRIGHT. ^ Pearly in my dramatic career I had occasion to examine closely an acting version of“Ingomar, the Barbarian.” This drama is founded on an old tale in which Thespis probably starred. I reatl it over many times, and it impressed me as containing all the ma¬ terial that a playwright needs. I adopted it as my model and I have clung to it ever since. I use no other. My first success was a bucolic idyl entitled “ Apple Sass.” In this play I made Ingomar an honest, if uncultured farm hand, and Parthenia a farmer’s daughter who had been away to a seminary. The first act revolved around a live pig, four live chickens, and a live book-agent thrown in for comedy relief. In the second act, all hands ate a meal in full view of the audience, with the usual papier- mache turkey as the principal dish; and in the third act I had a snow¬ storm. I wanted, as a novelty, to cut the snow-storm loose in the dining-room scene, but my producer preferred to stick to tried and true situations. He was doubtless right. As it was, we had as neat a barnyard drama as one could wish for. It is still touring the out¬ lying provinces. My next effort was a society drama in which Ingomar figured as a pork-packer, and Parthen¬ ia as an emotional society woman of the pre- Ib¬ sen school. It was not an epoch-making affair, but it played to paying business for two seasons. In the early ’90's, if you remember, the mil¬ itary play was all the go. “ Shenandoah ” and “ Held by the Enemy ” were the leaders. I fell into line with Parthenia as a Southern girl and Ingomar as a Northern captain of cavalry. Of course, I introduced the customary accessories, the courtly cullud butler, and the cotton-fiekl drop. This play wrote itself. It was a shame to take the royalties. When the Western drama came along, Ingomar made a cracking good miner, with Parthenia as a New England schoolmarm. Easy ? Figure for yourself. They're a great pair to draw to. I have utilized them iri modern society drama with a monkey dinner, in college plays, in farce, in extravaganza, in tank drama, in straight comedy, in . 57 varieties of melo¬ drama, and in comic opera. They have served me well. I have never had a fail¬ ure with them. I have never used any other material and I never shall. Will S. A Mins. fV^ressing dolls has become ihe serious business o_f a great many people, but U especially of American men.

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PUCK THE MAN HIGHEST UP. The Old-Time Defenses No Longer Defend Him.

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THE MAN HIGHEST UP. The Old-Time Defenses No Longer Defend Him.

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PUCK

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PUCK THE NEWSPAPER INTERVIEW. ^r“R. Moriarty, my paper has decided that all the pub¬ licity should not go to actors. As a representative hodcarrier, we want you to tell the public some¬ thing about your profession and yourself.” iv did you liap- “ But— “No undue modesty now. pen to become a hodcarrier?” “Why, I hardly know. I used to watch build¬ ings in process of construction.” *• Process of construction. Go on.” “.One day I saw a hodcarrier fall from the Story.” ' “And, as he started on his downward trip, you applied fo his job ” “Something of the sort. At any rate, I have been carrying hod ever since.” “What goes to make up &■ successful hodcarrier?” “Sound nerves — and a pair of overalls, of course." “ How about personal characteristics ? What do you eat ?” “ Oh, I occasionally trifle with some corn beef and cabbage, < toy with a little tripe.” “ Toy with a little tripe. The remuneration ? ” “Is not startling. Still — ” “Art for art’s sake, as the saying goes, and all like that.” “ Quite so. Why, I have worked on buildings where the mor- “Mr. Moriarty, I am very much obliged to you for this interview.” “ You needn’t mention it, I’m sure.” “Good day, Mr. Moriarty." “Good day, sir.” And the reporter passed out. if Hi s. Adkins. ARCHITECTURAL ITEM. Reflective Matron. — It’s queer, isn’t it, what names !■ they select for apartment build¬ ings? Now, there’s the Garfield, the McKinley Court, The Roose¬ velt, Lincoln Court — all in our city. I suppose the next will be Tlie Taft. Hubby. — Oh, The Taft would be all right, provided, of course, i Mv had a bay-window in front. wife went on an exploring expedition through my pockets.” “Did she gather enough material for a lecture?" H robueVer, it iV perhaps too much to expect that feature bvill be as attractive ill of us as she ts to those bvho maKe money bvriting her up.

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ROSENBERG. D OSENBERG, he knew a girl Und I dit know her too. She used to make dose coo-coo «yes Dot made my heart choo-choo. But Rosenberg made tventy-five Und I earned tventy-three ; Site soon found out that Rosenberg Was gettink more dan me. Rosenberg, he got dot girl Und married her von day ; It made me feel qvite plue of course To loose der girl dot vay. Rosenberg, he kind of shmiled; I knew as veil as he Dot William Randolph Rosenberg Vas gettink more dan me. Der time vent pie, und vone fine day Sir Rosenberg valked in. His cheeks vere not so rosy Und he seemed to look qvite tin; His hat came off, his head was bald; I cried aloud mil glee, “I see, dear Mr. Rosenberg, You’re gettink more dan me.” Dot’s years ago ; und yesterday He crossed my path again, “How many iss it, Rosenberg?” He slowly vispered, “Ten.” I shook his hand, vee had a drink, Den parted, me and he. It alvays seemed dot Rosenberg Vas gettink more dan me. J. Edgar Dawson. swathed ii SAFE AT LAST. ^ llkz ! Mush! Mush on! Mush on!” The leader of the dog- team surged in the rawhide collar and the tired team behind hauled the sled a bit faster over the firm, white snow be¬ neath the Arctic twilight. The fur-clad figure clinging to the gee-pole and cracking the walrus skin whip followed with faltering steps, leg weary from heavy snow-shoes. With the frost white on his beard; face and figure a furs you would never have known this man as a promi¬ nent: public official from a far southern state. Ever and anon he gazed back over his shoulder, his tired and red rimmed eyes search¬ ing Che faint trail he and the dogs and the sled were leaving. “Allez! Allez! Mush!” he shrieked as a dark spot appeared far behind. The man did not know it was only a black fox attracted by the scent of meat. The dog team swung down a bluff and out on the white sur¬ face of a great lake. The stunted trees ended with the shore and ahead lay the Land of Little Sticks. In the corner of a small ledge of rocks the official was seated by a glowing fire. He was watching the trail no more for it was snowing and no man knew nor could find the way he had come. Half buried in the snow the tired dogs slept, well fed and content. “ At last ! At last,” muttered the office holder as he lighted a second pipe, “ I have found one place where a man holding public office can escape buying tickets for every church fair and festival, every lodge and labor event and every public entertain¬ ment in the city. Here my fortune and peace of mind are safe. I’ll stay right in this spot un¬ til my term expires.” Shafer. RELIGION. Aglow of fervent enthusiasm overspread the face of the Institu¬ tional Rector as he arose to address the Institutional Vestry¬ men. “By divine grace I am permitted to report a wonderful year of progress in the parish,” he said, beaming upon them. “Never has a church made such strides. We are first in athletics, millinery, pic-nics, politics, drama, clubs and cookery. “The older members of the congregation have developed the Institutional idea of the Social Circle until not one among them is deficient in bridge or gossip. “ In our Sunday Afternoon Sisterhood of Young Girls, formerly known as Class B, extra¬ ordinary advance has been made in drawing¬ room culture; and in the annual tournament ^ for all-comers, one of our dear girls won the prize for simultaneously pouring tea, scat- / ^ tering conversation, nibbling sandwiches, and balancing a cup and saucer between two fingers while walking gracefully back and forth across a polished floor. “ Our boys have displayed marked evidence of proper religious training since the Sunday school was transferred from the church to our newly acquired stadium in the country. The classes in fancy div¬ ing, wrestling and discus hurling are particularly to be commended. “Success has at¬ tended our clubs for Deserted Divorcees, Tenement Toilers and Scared Spinsters. ‘t'<' “ In short, Institution¬ alism has triumphed! “ Let me add that the indoor pulpit work of ‘“"‘mv,™™- i the church is satisfac- wasn t yawning tory. We have dis- something.' ,JI covered that one ser¬ mon in each month, with the exception of the vacation period from May to Octo¬ ber, meets the demand.” c. THE GAME. What is the tariff situa¬ tion ? ” “ The manufac¬ turers stand pat, the consumers want five cards, and the legis¬ lators have cold feet. NOT SMOOTH ENOUGH. Anxious Mother. — Mr. Wylde N. Woolly is a most estimable young man, my daughter. Why won’t you ac¬ cept him ? He is a diamond in the rough. Daughter (pertly). — Because I don’t care to do the polishing. DOESN’T ATTRACT. Peleg Haw vows we ain’t had no cold weather to speak of since he bought a thermom¬ eter. “Well, ’’declared Deacon Cripes, “ Peleg oughter know that a ther¬ mometer won’t act like a lightning-rod.” THE GENUINE FISHNET. Mrs. Whale. — Oh George! I must have a veil off thatl I wonder how much it is a yard ? DISCRETION. Dives had made himself very wealthy by oppressing his neighbors, and the latter, grown poor concurrently, were wont to gather at his gate each morning to clamor for bread. But Dives, though touched, did not lose his head. “ I mustn’t make paupers of these un¬ fortunates !.” he exclaimed, and was uni¬ versally applauded for his discretion when he offered to give a stone, provided the beneficiaries of his bounty first got another stone elsewhere.

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The World9 s Best Table Water “Do you think we ought to have a bigger army and a larger navy?” “ Oh, yes,” replied the beautiful girl. “ It would be so nice if all the b at the dances could appear in uniform, with epaulettes and braided collars. Chicago Record- Herahi. YATTEB SCOTCH! © EDINBURGH.! nder has just received a telegram from India.- “What tion the telegram is!” she exclaimed, “when you come to cc tessage has come a distance of thousands of miles, and the gi i isn’t dry yet." — Tit- Bits. Mrs. Blui admirable invent sider that this m on the envelope ‘HE3T0B' ' The Original Egyptian ' Pears “Our doubts are traitors and make us lose tbe good we oft might win.” One cake of Pears’ con- Our graduates are fill Inf: High Salaried EARN *25”T0 sYoo'pEr’ WEEK , ! ■ HENRY LINDENMEYR & SONS PAPER WAREHOUSE, A Pastoral. The sun was rising in the west, and shed its beams on Cedarcrest, where pensive goat and sportive cow were perched upon the cedar bough. There Frank McLennan watched his flocks, and slugged the gentle sheep with rocks, and drove his hens to lakelet’s brim that they might dive and bathe and swim. The pigs were climbing elms and firs, the hired men gathered cockleburs; a doctor passed on horse’s back, and all the ducks called loudly “ Quack ! ” The fruit tree agent asked to stay, all night; the horses whinnied “Neigh!” Peace hovered o’er the prairie wide; the cattle lowed, the horses highed; and sounded through the village smoke, the bark of watchdog, elm, and oak; and he who owned these rustic scenes had seeded down his farm to beans. — IVa/t Mason , in Emporia Gazette. Bar Keeper^ Friend I Mrs. X. (away from home). — John, did you leave out anything for the cat before you started? Mr. X. ( who dislikes the beast). — Yes, I left a can of condensed milk on the table, with the can opener beside it. — Boston Transcript.

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These are but a few examples of PUCK PROOFS. Send Ten Cents for Catalogue with over Seventy Mini¬ ature Reproductions. HUNGRY. YOU'RE GOING HOME By E, Frederick. IMMER CONSTELLATI -MORROW. PRICE TWENTY -FIVE CENTS. TWENTY-FIVE CENTS. Address PUCK, 295-309 Lafayette Street, New York Trade supplied by Gubelman Company, 801 Third Avenue, New York Williams’ *85? "The only kind that won’t smart or dry on the face ” Judge a Shaving Stick by its lather. That’s the crucial test that proves the supremacy of Williams’. inn Sticks or Shaving Tablets. OLD OVERHOLT Anywhere and everywhere, they’re always the proper thing to smoke. PUCK PROOFS Photogravures from PUCK 6 <5© ■ -

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For the New Year Braces the whole system and re¬ lieves fatigue from over exertion. Delicious at all times, it creates a healthy appetite and aids diges¬ tion. The only absolutely bene¬ ficial stimulant, giving permanent¬ ly good results. Greatly appre¬ ciated by those who travel — and good for all. Enjoyable as a Cocktail and Better for You. IMAGINATIVE CONVERSATION. ■ress.— Now, Mary, you will have three extra to cook for as I expect company, and after you have washed the din- s, I want you to sprinkle the clothes and do a little ironing. ? Certain Things Happen Suddenly. I imiPIlF DAINTY DELICIOUS j JDubley h* an ...omobile, hasn't Ll(|U01ir exquisite cordial * “Luon,tTkuow,u ,,, i"ll_ i - — - - 5 “Why, I thought you told me you r eres tllUrireUX OF THE CENTURIES saw h„n w.th one yesterday.” - i “Yes, but that was yesterday. — Catholic Standard and Times. \ “This stove,” said the clerk to his 3 Irish customer, “is the best stove in I the house. It is the stove of economy. It saves half the coal bill.” “Give me two of them,” replied the l Irishman.” — Success. “What do you understand by this talk of ’possum as an emblem for the President-elect?” asked the Boston girl. “Why,” answered the Atlanta girl. “Don’t you know what a ’possum is? Some people regard it as a great delicacy.” “Oh! Something to eat! How disappointing. I supposed it was the Latin word ‘possum,’ meaning ‘I am able or competent.’ ” — Washington Star. Tess. — Did Mr. Borem ever c Jess. — Yes; he called last ev< brought up his card. Tess. — Oh! come now; you w Jess. — Certainly. You see, have gone down to him, thinking and Tunes. ing. I was quite delighted when the girl en’t really delighted. she hadn’t brought up his card, I might it was some one else. — Catholic Standard “Prosperity is on the way,” volunteered the grocer as he put his hand on the scales with the liver. “You should say," corrected the observant customer, “Prosperity is in the weigh. ’’ — Houston Post. Quite So. “The time, the place, and the girl. How seldom we see them together.” “And another rare combination is the man, the scheme, and the coin." — Washington Herald. [Pure good old FED TOP RYE Merchant. — So you want a job as office boy, eh? Any previous experi¬ ence? Boy. — No, sir. I don’t know how to do anything in an office — Merchant. — I guess you won’t do — Boy. — I don’t even know how to whistle. Merchant. — Hangup your hat. — Catholic Standard and Times. Clerk. — But you just bought this novel and paid for it. Customer. — Yes. Clerk. — Then why do you wish to return it? Customer. — I read it while waiting for my change. — Cleveland Leader.

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A Club Cocbt&jl Is A Bottled Delight — a mixed-to-measure blend of fine old liquors aged to a wonderful mellowness. Once drink CLUB COCK¬ TAILS and you’ll never want the guess-work kind again. Scattering. “There is a great deal to be said on ! both sides of the question,” said one statesman. “ Yes,” answered the other. “We’re , liable to put in so much time standing around talking on both sides of it that | we never get to the question itself." — Washington Star. Hot Talk. Nagget. — I hear she rejected you. I’ll bet you felt foolish about that time. Lovett. — Yes, I guess I felt just as foolish at that time as you look all the time. — Catholic Standard and Times. A Suitable Test? Now the officers of the navy are up for a test.” “ What do they have to do ? ” “Dance ten miles, flirt ten miles, and talk small talk for four hours con¬ tinuously.” — Washington Herald. Party Caller. — Is Mrs. X at home? Yes, sir. Will you-er-please leave my card on the table? — Harvard Lampoon. Until you have heard Amberol Records you have not heard the Zed»o«~ Edison Phonograph at its best Consider the increased enjoyment of a Record that plays twice as long as the regular Edison Record and longer than any other Record made. Go to the nearest dealer today and hear the Edison Phonograph play an Amberol Record. He will tell you how you can play it on your present Phonograph and still play the Records you have. Ask your dealer or write us for catalogues of Edison Phonographs and Records. NATIONAL PHONOGRAPH CO., 43 Lakeside Avenue. Orange, New Jersey THE REASON WHY THE J\ KREMENTZ/ ROLLED PLATE COLLAR BUTTONS OUTWEAR ALL OTHERS A ^ THIS DIAGRAM ILLUSTRATES THIS ILLUSTRATES QUANTITY QUANTITY OF GOLD IN OF GOLD IN THE IMITATION BUTTONS KREMENTZ BUTTON Every dealer authorized to give a new Krementz Collar Button in exchange for an old one that is broken from any cause, and ask no questions. We make this offer because Krementz Buttons are made for hard service, of honest materials, A Mechanical Toy. Mary had a little lamb When Christmas came around. It ran on wheels At Mary's heels, When it was nicely wound. But it was tinkered with too much By Mary’s clumsy dad. And Mary's sire Reduced to wire The lamb that Mary had. — Washington Herald. Fair American (to officer wearing V. C. ) — Say, how did I you get that elegant little cross? V. C. — O, I dunno. Pullin’ some silly- rotter out of a hole. | — Punch. Evans' Ak EAVES a pleasanl taste as well as r pleasant memory “ Marry me,” exclaimed the wretch, pointing his revolver at the trembling maiden, “or s’death!” “Mercy,” she faltered, “I will, I will.” “ Ha,” chuckled the villain, “love at first sight.” — Harvard Lampoon. with no solder joints. The quality is slamped on the back and guar¬ anteed. Shape is just right. Look ‘forT name" “K RE M ENTZ ” on the back and be sure to get the genuine. At all dealers. Solid gold and rolled plate. Send for Story of Collar Button Krementz & Co., 61 Chestnut St., Newark, N. J. Puck Proofs PHOTOGRAVURES FROM PUCK ££ . This is but one ex¬ ample of the Puck Proofs. Send Ten Cents for Catalogue with over Seventy Mini¬ ature Reproductions. tk Address PUCK, 295-309 Lafayette St., New York. Trade supplied by Gubehnan Publishing Co.. 801 Third Ave., New York THE BRIGHT SIDE. Young Stagedoore. — How was your tour, Rantingham? Tragedian. — Not so bad, i’ faith! Not so bad: True, for an extended period the ghost did not walk, but during that time the Sheriff grew tired of walking, and we lost him. GREAT bear spring water. “Its Parity Hag Made It Famous.” 50c. per case of O glass stoppered Dot tie,.

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