Puck v16n391 [1884-09-03]
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PUCK. 3 THE END OF THE SUMMER. She. “ And so you are going, you tell me, to-morrow? I ’ll miss you so much, Mr. Brown; But the world, as you know, is o’erflowing with sorrow — They tell me it ’s lively in town; I ’m sorry you ’re off; good-by; thank you kindly For reading me all those nice books.” (He didn’t propose, as I thought he would, blindly; He ’s not such a fool as he looks.) He. “Oh, yes, it is true; I am going to-morrow; Good night and good-by, Miss Grace; And there’s always a bane for the world of sorrow In thinking of your fair face. Ah, me, but these partings are sad beyond reason! Don't laugh — it isn’t a tear.” (I ’m hanged if I come to this place next season — I’ve had a close shave this year.) W. J. Henderson. A NEW METHOD. At the present time almost every person takes some interest in athletics. Clerks down-town form themselves into boat and ball-clubs, and go away on Saturday afternoons to practise. Young ladies in the suburbs play lawn-tennis, and clergymen exercise with dumb-bells. None of these people, however, pretend to derive any great enjoyment from these recrea¬ tions. They say they do it for the exercise, that they may not be deemed frivolous. The stout man slaps himself familiarly on the barrel, and says: “ I’ll ride that all off on a bi¬ cycle inside of two months.” Now, assuming that physical exercise is in¬ dulged in only with a view to ridding one’s self of superfluous flesh, and that only stout people indulge, in the hope of becoming thinner, our thoughts and reflections naturally take in those men who are always thin, year in and year out. The question which naturally arises is, why are they thin? The question is easily answered. It is because they have so much on their minds and shoulders. It is the responsibility and worry that is inseparable from the manage¬ ment of their affairs. What made Henry Clay so thin that when he walked he looked like a pair of editorial shears in action ? It was the worry he experienced in trying to secure the Presidency. What makes Evarts so thin that he is some¬ times picked up by mistake at home for the crimping-irons ? It is because of his great soul-wearing re¬ sponsibility in carrying on his business. What makes the cannibal king so corpulent ? Why, nothing but a lack of responsibility and care. The king has nothing to do but be¬ come larger all the time. Take that same king and put him in editorial charge of a returnable dramatic weekly with a circulation of four hun¬ dred and fifty, and you would be surprised to see how soon he would be too small for his necklace. And now we come to our new method of training, which we would like our athletic friends to look into and study at their leisure. We are well aware of the fact that when ath¬ letes are out of training they become, very fat and clumsy, and that when they want to get into proper condition again they have to resort to the most violent kind of exercise, in which they frequently burst blood-vessels or injure themselves in other ways. Therefore we say they should be reduced and got into proper condition by care and responsi¬ bility, for then they can not injure themselves; and, besides, they can not suffer as they might by taking Turkish baths and running in the sun. Without taking the reader’s time to give the details of our theory for a new method of train¬ ing, we will give a few imaginary clippings from the sporting-paper of the future, which will give some idea of our system : William Sheriff and Paddy Ryan met at this office yesterday, and made a match to fight in six weeks for $2,000 a side and the champion¬ ship. They will go into active training at once, Sheriff going to Washington to assume the du¬ ties of Postmaster-General, and Ryan going out on the road in management of a “ Pinafore” troupe. A number of Hanlan’s friends went up to Union Square yesterday, to the office of the Dramatic Cuspidor, to see him stand off the sheriff and the type-setters. He had but seventy-five cents. At this rate he will be down to rowing- weight long before the day set for his race with Hagar Pearce. John Keller having accepted Brynton Jones’s challenge to run ten miles, his backers have had him made “devil” in a “rat” printing-office located on the eighth story. He has to wait on all the compositors, and go down the eight flights of stairs at intervals to fetch up pails of lemonade and baker’s pie in brown paper. Patsy Cardiff, the Nebraska Giant, has just accepted the Chief Justice’s chair, to get into proper condition for his coming battle with Marlow Bevans. TRUTH WAS NOT MIGHTY. A worn and weary tramp entered the office of a banker. The clothes he wore were in a state of worse disintegration than Mr. Blaine’s record. The face of the tramp wore a pre¬ maturely aged expression, like that of the Bar¬ tholdi pedestal. He sighed heavily as he took | off his hat, and said: “ Please, sir, give me a few pennies; I am ] very hungry.” Something in the man’s voice caught the banker’s attention. “ You don’t look as if you’d always been a beggar,” he said. “I haven’t, sir. I was getting along very well once ; but left my business to go into an¬ other which, according to what I read in the papers, never failed to make men immensely rich. I’m trying now to get a little money to¬ gether, so as to go back into my old business.” “What was your old business?” “ I was a portrait-painter, sir.” “ And what was the business that you went into?” “ I became a plumber.” The banker rose up and glared upon the tramp. “Get out!” said he: “you can’t come and tell me any such stuff as that. If you’d said you were a plumber and went into portrait- painting, I might have believed you; but I can’t swallow that sort of thing. Skip!” “ That’s just it,” mumbled the tramp, as he went out: “I could get rich, if I’d only lie; but when I tell my true story, no one will be¬ lieve it. It’s all owing to those confounded humorists.” Look AT the dangling curls, And look at the mellow eyes That peep from beneath her tresses In childish and glad surprise. And look at the stunning hat, And its airy, flowerful charm, And the nicely rounded shoulder, And the bit of snowy arm. I think I should like to be With her in a garden fair, And watch the breezes wanton With those strands of ribboned hair. I ’d like to take her out A-rowing upon the lake, And have her smile upon me, And address me as “ Pete” or “Jake." But this can never be, And I think it a perfect shame That I know not the pretty maiden— I know not even her name. I met her not by the sea, Or the mountain water-fall, Or at a swell reception — I have met her not at all. It 's dreadfully sad to say it: Ne’er by her side I ’ll strut; She dwells on a shelf in the office, And she 's only a fancy cut. Very Pat - Tammany HalL If the United States ever get another navy, they should be more careful with it, and keep it away from sloops and scows, and other dan¬ gerous vessels. _ Since war has broken out between France and China, washee-washee and frogs are higher. People have fallen back on Irish laundresses and soft-shell crabs. _ The best specific for cholera is said to be Paramethylorthooxyhy droaethylchimolin. I f the patient doesn’t die before he can ask for it, he is sure to recover. The Philadelphia Record says that the na¬ tion which is best defended has least occasion to fight. By antithesis, how the United States should be in constant conflict with the nations of the earth 1 _ The United States steamer Kearsarge has been ordered to make a cruise along the west coast of Africa. If Africa declares war against us, we shall be safe if the Tallapoosa is raised and can get down in time to join in the hostil¬ ities. _ Sullivan, the eminent Bostonian, can not be said to be like lightning. When we make this statement, we do not wish to be understood assaying that he is not swift in “getting there” with his knuckles. When we say he is not like lightning, we mean that he often dots strike in the same place.
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