Hot Dog: Regular Fellows Monthly, May 1922

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■ ., , ■'■"■_•■ ■■ '—' • -, ■,' I Yours for _Hpt Women and Cold Drinks ss ' '■ '*~~« '■ 'i

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— CLEVELAND OHIO — Copyrioht, 1922, by The Merit Publishing Co. JACK DINSMORE, Editor Application made for entry as second-class mail matter at the post office at Cleveland, Obio, under act of March 3rd, 1879. Published Monthly by the Merit Publishing Co, 1005 Ulmer Bldg., Cleveland, O. 25c PER COPY — $3.00 PER YEAR Vol. 1 MAY, 1922 No. 8 HABIT AND ICE Sam Goldberg is our star salesman. Sam Goldberg has a pretty wife. Most of the time Sam is in Texas or Maine or Al- berta selling Hot Dogs, while the wife is left to her own sweet devices in the cute Goldberg flat on Emerald Drive, Cleveland, O. NOTHING SO NEEDS REFORMING AS OTHER PEOPLE'S HABITS.

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HOT DOG Sam has a sense of humor. That's why he's a good salesman. So he told me all about it. It happened like this : Sam came to Cleveland after a three months' trip in the South. His topknot was just swimming- with rosy anticipations of domestic joys; he was dreaming of Min- nie's lockschenzup and fishballs, of the T. N. T, greeting- kiss he would receive, etc., etc., ETC. "I'll surprise the little darlink," said Sam to himself. I'll say he did. Many a Poor Prune is buying Raisins.

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HOT DOG . ./At ten o'clock in the morning- Sam burst into his own back door, laid down his grips, approached Sweetie from the rear, hugged her tight with both arms and covered her eyes with his hands. Here I am again, Darlink," gurgled Sam. And Darlink replied, "All right, twenty-five pounds this morning, and be sure to leave your tongs in the lway !" ~ IGNATZ FRAMED THIS IN OUR SHIPPING ROOM Half in earnest, half in joke, Tell me, maiden, e'er I'm broke, Buying booze and lunch for thee, Tell, oh, tell the truth to me ; E'er my cash is all turned loose — Sweetheart, is there any use? A HUMDINGER IS A FELLOW WHO CAN KISS A DEAF AND DUMB GIRL AND MAKE HER HOLLER "HOT DOG."

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HOT DOG MORALITY AND CHURCHIANITY (Reprinted from the First Number of Hot Dog by Popu- lar. Request) The greatest enemies to virtue in America are the dried-up denominational ministers in the down-state dumps. Denominationalism is by no means morality. It is not Christianity. . It is not Puritanism — Go West, young man, but not to Hollywood.

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HOT DOG It is simply Restrictionism ! When we gave them Prohibition, we gave them a finger. Now they want- the whole hand. And a barrel of feet. Denominationalism now wants to stop Sunday base- ind Sunday movies, and Sunday newspapers. Don't be deceived. Morality is not opposed jto gaiety. Look back into the history of the world. The great- est sinners were the greatest saints. Saint Francis of Lssisi was, in his youth, a gallant and duellist. Martin Luther said : Der liebt nicht wein, weib und gesang, Der bleibt ein narr sein leben lang. fhich means Who loves not wine, woman, and song Is a fool his whole life long. DOWN WITH THE DIRTY DENOMINA- I.ONALISTS! Let us knock them for a row of backhouses. "Do you read the Police Gazette?'1 "No, I cut my own hair."

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HOT DOG ADVICE TO THE LOVELORN BY MRS. ARABELLA DINGLEBERRY Dear Miss Dingleberry: Last night I went automo- bile riding with a strange young man. Did I do wrong? — Little Lulu. Probably, my dear. Dear Mrs. Dingleberry: How can I keep fish from smelling? — Mrs. Mugwump. Cut off their noses. Unsophisticated Ursula: Love is worthless without Technique. Cautious Calliope : Don't trust him. He's too eager.

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HOT DOG Dear Mrs. Dingleberry: I met an excellent young lady last night. I bought her a dinner at the Ritz, took her to a show and bought her a champagne supper. Should I havekissed her good night? — Ernie Emptyhead. No. You did enough for her. Dear Mrs. Dingleberry: I am getting to be outrage- ously good friends with a lady whose husband doesn't understand her. What do you think? — Dangerous Dan. Perhaps he understands you. Dear Mrs. Dingleberry: Last week my wife bobbed her hair and left me to go to Greenwich Village to fol- low an Artistic Career. How come? — Sleepy Samuel. What's the matter with you? Dear Mrs. Dingleberry : What can I do to gel a hus- band ?— Lonesome Sue. Sneak one from a wife. Nervy Nathaniel: Why, you big, dirty Poloek, I wouldn't think of answering such a question. I'm a lady. Dear Mrs. Dingleberry: What must I do to get into the movies? t Be a punk actress and a good kid. Dear Mrs. Dingleberry : Since my wife has gone in for Hindu mysticism she refuses to cook any meals. What arguments can I use to cure her? Arguments hell ! Bust her in the kisser. That's the only way to cure them mystical housewives.

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8 HOT DOG The Height of Wastefulness : A round trip ticket to Havana.

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HOT DOG VOLAPIQUE (The Proposed International Language) When I can speak Volapique, Away to India's climes I'll sneak, And just by virtue of my cheek I'll sell a piano to a Sheik. I'll sell the French and Dutch, And lease Pianos to the Portuguese; Then I'll drive over and explain The new installment plan to Spain. Ill journey south as far As Cadiz, And sell fair Andalusia's ladies Or I'll exchange; the mandolin I'll take, and put an upright in. I'll hie me then To Baltic strand, And sell Miss Boskovitch a grand ; And shovel off old Peter Katzski, John Romanoff and Ruffonratsky.

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10 HOT DOG Then far to Greenland I will go, And sell some sawecUoff Eskimo; I'll eat snow soup and Polar bear, And wipe my teeth with codfish hair. Of course by ths time I shall have a Cheek as hard as frozen lava ; I'll travel West, go through Alaska, Drop down and talk with Mrs. C ha ska. I'll court the Fijis On their isle, The old chief's daughter I'll beguile, And give a sales talk by her side While I am waiting to be fried, When I can speak Volapique. — Ben King. WRONG NUMBER TONY I have absolutely no mercy on that newlywed artist of mine, Tony Zebatski I am going to ride him like a Shriner rides a goat. He got married to a fluff just about a thousand times too good for a charcoal-slinging hound like himself, and he deserves all the_razzing he gets. _ Men buy women__yal£xui»es-^na things with lace edges.

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HOT DOG 11 Here's the latest dispatch from the bridal chamber: As is usual with- Middlewestern lovey-doveys, the Zebatski tandem oozed to Buffalo on their honeymoon so that they could enjoy the Wonders of Nature; near Niagara Falls. The first day after the first night the sweet but dis- illusioned bride went down to Ellicott Square to do some shopping. Having loaded herself down with Flaming Undies for herself and Incandescent Neckties for Tony she re- turned to their hotel. She went to what she supposed was her own door and found it locked. She rattled the knob and said, "Honey, let me in !" No response. She knocked again and cried, "It's me, Honey, open the door!" Silence — -deep, dark, and dank. The bride became terrified and began wildly to cry. "Honey, Honey, Honey!" ,.^A11 at once a gruff voice sounded Jr^m-withThi "Madam, this atff.no .beehive. This is the bath- room for men." ~^ ^^-^^

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12 HOT DOG "Spirituelle" is the adjefitiis-««r-cntlcs (and the boys) apply tpLoi»--WTlSon7who plays in Paramount Pictures.

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HOT DOG 13 THE MOVIE RAMBLER By Jack Dinsmore Hisself I am very much interested in the psychology of vil- lainy. -","""•' Myself I am very virtuous. I don't drink wood alco- hol on Sunday. I never make immoral advances to wo- men over sixty-five years of age. I once attended a Methodist church for six Sundays in succession, lured thereto by the spiritual attraction of the pastor's daughter, who wore short skirts and lavendar stockings. Therefore, being so saintly myself, I am interested J-in villainy. Being the shameless movie fan that I am, I have of late attempted to make a study of movie villainy. Why are certain actors and actresses always cast for roues and vampires and nothing else? For instance, Lowell Sherman. This thespian (I suspect that his real name is Looie Simkovitch or some- thing like that) is a" nifty-looking kiddo, indeed. He is unquestionably the best-dressed man in the movies. He is a splendid actor, and he totes a face that bespeaks sophistication and breeding. Little Ignatz tells me that his new girl is like a Ford — ugly but speedy.

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HOT DOG Demure and pensive, you here see Marjorie Grant gazing at Ed. Wynn, The Perfect Fool.

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HOT DOG 15 In thanks for which qualities, the movie moguls al- ways cast him for such parts as Dangerous Duval, Tempter of Working Girls or the Count de Montmorency, Home Wrecker de luxe. Why? Here's my answer. Envy is one of the most potent of human motives. The great majority of us boys are not fine dressers and fine lookers, a la Lowell Sherman. Therefore our way of consoling ourselves is to tell ourselves, "Well, I'm not good looking, but I'm Noble and Upright." Thus — and the science of Psychology will support me— we get our revenge subconsciously by demanding that our tailor-made brothers be cast for villainous parts on the stage and in the movies. As for the gals — not being participants in the mascu- line competition — they are exempt from the above-men- tioned psychological dishonesty of us prune-jack guz- zlers, and the way they flop for the Villain Type of He is a shame for the neighbors. No horney-handed elevator man or editor has a look- in with the most virtuous girl alongside of Them There Villains. "The Boys called her Poison because no one would take her."

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16 HOT DOG ▲ snapshot of Clao Majraeld blushing Id "The Blushing Bride "

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HOT DOG 17 The same hokum holds good with the Ladies. Fel- lers, it just breaks my heart when I note that the most lucious chickens on the screen are always cast for Vam- pires. Anna Q. Nillson is a Knockout Blonde. She always plays the Heartless Jezebel who lures the Wholesale Merchant from his Lifemate. As to Theda Bara, she has big eyes, streamline hips and fireworks movements. Moreover, Miss Bara, I con- tend, is the most intelligent actress on the screen. I don't say the most perfect technically, but the most in- telligent. Well, you know what kind of parts she plays. The Sisters over forty demand it. I can't recommend any particular movie to you at this writing, having spent all my evenings recently in the cellar of my hefty playmate, Councilman August Kraut, making certain chemical experiments in demijohns. The most common name on hotel registers: John Smith and Wife. -

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18 HOT DOG CHEAP AT HALF THE PRICE Mr. Moskovitz: Try on this beautiful A No. 1 hunting suit. Mr. Hiram : Why do you call it a hunting suit? Mr. Moskowitz : I've been hunting for the pants for 2 yean.

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HOT DOG 19 MRS. DINGLEBERRY ON WAR BRIDES ^As to my Lady Employee, Mrs. Dinglcberry. I'm fdT her till the gong rings. She sticks to her desk and pounds her Coi'ana, sift- ing through the piles of gooey letters that are heaped upon her every morning. Doggedly goeth she through her duties, giving scant heed to the jibes that are slipped to her constantly by the Red Necks of Our Staff. The only thing that ever happened to Arabella any- where near telling you about is the following: She got on a street car a few years ago en route to her modest and inaccessible hall bedroom in the Church- bell District in East Cleveland. A discharged doughboy sat himself aside of her. The great-hearted Mrs. Dingleberry endeavored to make conversation with him. "What is the meaning of that red V and those three gold V's on your sleeve," she asked the doughboy. My wife and I are happy. We hope to meet again.

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"Why, lady," replied the bean-crammer, who hap- pened to be in a kidding mood, "the red chevron means that I am a married man and the three gold ones mean that I have three children." . The soldier got off the car soon. after and, as it was just a few months after the Armistice, another reveille- hopper soon sat himself aside of her. This one had not yet been discharged and bore on his arm only the three gold chevrons, indicating his length of service. Mrs. Dingleberry gave him a nasty look and said: "Why, you dirty thing!" SHUSH A Krazypome by Genius Balzoff The night was dark, The sky was blue, And down the alley a villain flew ; And from his breast a dagger he drew And placed it in An oyster stew! Definition of an Optimist : A bartender who still pays his union dues.

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HOT DOG 21 Here la portrayed the sad chastisement slipped to a hard- working chorus lady In "Up in the Clouds," now playing In the Lyrle Theatre, New York.

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22 H O T D O G THE DIVORCE EVIL— IS IT AN EVIL? An Editorial by Jack Dinsmore Preachers are howling and judges a^e yowling, "There's too much Divorce in the World." I don't think there's enough. Very shocking, indeed, and having written such a naughty thing, I shall expect to find rat poison in my coffee by the time this issue of Hot Dog gets on the news stands. But I believe it, and all the chin-whiskered Alarmists in the country can't pound this conviction out of my curly head. Marry an old one. They can't bite.

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HOT DOG 23 :*I admit that divorce is an evil, but I insist that two people hitched to each other against their wills is a worse evil. Surely the Home is' a Sacred Institution and must be maintained in all its Sanctity upon the earth. But a Home where the. wife flirts with the Ice Man and the husband kisses the Scrubwoman behind the woodshed should be broken up- without delay. The sooner the better. w' of course, the most pitiful victims of divorced par- ents are the children- — where there are children. But I am pretty fond of children, and I know that I should rather have my own little nephews reared by the Sal- vation Army than in a home overcast with the Atmos- phere of Hatred between Man and Wife. When Willie sees mother with a black eye and father with blonde hairs on his coat lapels he is going to grow up to be, not a President of the United States, but a Lounge Lizzard or a Yegg. I am frank to say that I see no reason in the world why two people who detest each other should .be com- pelled to live together by the Force of Law. My prin- ciples are that the only respectworthy bond between a man and woman is the Force of Love. It is high time that many of our Morality-yelping Gazooks learned that you can't make men sober by law and women chaste by law and marriages heavenly by law. A feminist is a disappointed flapper.

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24 HOT .DOG Here you are, fellers. Here Is the kind of lady who "breaks up homes." Ger- trude Beaumont with Al Jolson In "Bombo." How'd you like to have her break up yours?

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HOT DOG 25 A MOTHER'S LAMENT FOR A SON KILLED IN BATTLE He hurried away, young heart of joy, under our April sky! And I watched him go, my beautiful boy, and a weary woman was I. For my hair is gray, and his was gold ; he'd the best of his life to live; And I'd loved him so, and I'm old, I'm old ; and he's all I had to give.

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2b HOT DOG Ah, yes, he was proud and swift and gay, but oh, how my eyes were dim ! With the sun in his heart he went away, but he took the sun with him. For look! How the leaves are falling now, and the winter won't be long .... Oh, boy, my boy with the sunny brow, and the lips of love and of song ! How we used to sit at the day's sweet end, we two by the firelight's gleam, And we'd drift to the Valley of Let's Pretend, On the beautiful river of Dream. Oh, dear little heart ! All the wealth untold would I gladly, gladly pay Could I just for a moment closely hold that golden head to my grey. For I gaze in the fire, and I'm seeing there a child, and he waves to me; And I run and I hold him up in the air, and he laughs and shouts with glee; A little bundle of love and mirth, crying: "Gome, Mumsie, dear !" Ah, me ! If he called from the ends of the earth I know that my heart would hear. — Robert W. Service. (Barse & Hopkins, Publishers.) The best way to honor our dead soldiers is to provide jobs for the living ones.

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HOT DOG 27 A BRICKBAT FOR FATHER There's been a lot of father stuff That hastens to describe Just how the old man has to slave To clothe and feed his tribe. What if he does? It serves him right, He was not forced to wed; Why put the halo of a saint Around his barren head? In courting days he did not give His mate a bit of rest; He mooned and spooned and hung around And did his very best To drag her off to some J. P. Who'd tie the nuptial knot; Why weep for him when he deserves Exactly what he got? Toil on, old scout, you'll get from me No sweet, tear-soaked boquets; For don't you now recall that you Told her that all your days Would never know a spark of joy Till she became your wife? Go on and work your sentence out — I'm glad it is for life. Tony Zebatski, the Hot Dog artist, is so dumb he thinks "Sock It In" is a Roadhouse.

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28 HOT DOG THE MYSTERY OF SHERIDAN ROAD or Why Young Girls Never Use the Elevated (By Callimachus Balzoff, the Hot Dog Genius) It was a balmy evening in October All was quiet along Sheridan Road save for the flapping of goloshes of virtuous maidens who had gotten out to walk and still continued to walk. Suddenly Policeman Murphy heard a shot! "Phoo, phoo, and likewise piffle," said he, "can it be that some one is being shot, or is it some Chorus Girl punching her meal ticket?" >.. Summoning all his courage from its flask, he began to run. The shot had seemed to come from the north, but to be sure he ran alternately east and west and some- times south, wiggling his ears to relieve the monotony. The shades of night were falling, and Policeman Murphy halted before one green shade that was just falling before a window lighted by a pink reading lamp. "By my night club," he sighed passionately, "ain't nature grand !" Forgetting the call of duty, he gazed intently at the shade, absorbed by the mystery. One pedestrian joined him in his gazing. Then another, then ten more, until the noble puddle-jumpers stationed before the semi-transparent window shade swelled to the proportions of a riot. When will girls learn to ignore auto horns?

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HOT DOG 29 What was it, you ask, that was stopping the traffic along Sheridan Road ? Ah, it was a rare sight, indeed. Silhouetted against the window shade was a vision of Zeigfield loveliness entirely innocent of garments en- twined in the arms of a youth similarly clad. All was left to the Imagination— and you know how the Imagination of a bevy of noble citizens does. act. Suddenly upon the loving pair advanced the figure of a Man. In his hand he held a knife, and as he ad- vanced nearer and nearer, the knife poised for its death- dealing blow, Officer Murphy could stand it no longer. __;=— ^Curses?' he cried, as he made a wild dash for the door of the place, "her husband approaches. I must get there before murder is done." Little Ignatz's idea of the softest job on earth — head barber to the Russian cabinet.

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30 HOT DOG Breathlessly, with the air of a doomed man, he climbed flight after flight of stairs. At last before a closed door he halted. "Open in the name of the Law," he roared. "Un- hand the Dame, you brute, and give me a chance !" The door opened. Murphy gazed within. But he immediatley faced about. "Here goes nothing," he gasped, as he flung himself head-long down six flights of marble stairs. There are three kinds of heels — Leather, Rubber, and Little Ignatz.

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HOT DOG 31 Standing before a curtained window, Chisel in hand, stood a sculptor, gazing in loving admiration at a life- size statue of Apollo and Daphne, done in the nude! * * ■" *.'■-*....*■ * * Inside the pearly gates all was quiet. Suddenly St. Peter dropped his harp and nearly bent himself double, so violent was his mirth. . "Hey, boys," he called, turning the pages of his fav- orite magazine with unsuppressed glee, "come here and see what Balzoff has done to a perfectly good detective story." ; L'ATTENTE (From the French of Tristan Klingsor) To make our love memorable I carried wine from Shiraz ; I prepared a bed broidered with silk And two velvet pillows; Then I perfumed the water in the vases, To bathe you after the amorous combat. t&ga full of seed.. Dried raisins, and cakes Of farina, sugar and rice, To eat while toying with you, My little dear— But you never came . . . . .

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32 HOT DOG SPORT REVIEW (By Jazbo DeVinney) To all Flappers, Shimmy Enthusiasts, Blue Noses, Long Haired Men and Short Haired Women, in fact, to Everybody, Greeting.: I bring to you Glad Tidings. Yep, the best news since I first tapped a typewriter as the sporting editor of America's most famous publication. For hear ye, hear ye, we come now to the vindica- tion of the shimmy, the tango, the one-step and sundry and divers other terpsichorean favorites that have so long been the target of the guns of the Joy Killers. LIFE'S GREATEST SORROW: always wears out before the coat. That the pants

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HOT DOG 33 And the vindication comes from no other section of the well-known sporting world than the old Prize Ring itself. Yea, indeed. Read, and ye shall be informed of the wherefores : Comes to Madison Queer Garden from St. Paul the greatest boxer turned ". out by the home of blue-eyed Swedes since Fred Fulton threw down his trowel as a plasterer and became a diver. Gibbons by name is this Puncher from the wild Northwest. Nix, no kin of the late Cardinal. Comes, likewise to Madison Queer Garden from the dirtiest town in Pennsylvania, one Pittsburg, one of the dancingest cuckoos that ever hooked on a freight train, Greb by name. Maybe Grab, but not Grub. Only just plain Greb. They face each other in the Garden on a night that Tex Rickard is not in jail. Gibbons brings his reputation as one of the knockingest-out knockers out that ever put out a light. The Wisenheimers who are so smart they think Easter Sunday is a sister of Billy, make books on the so-called fight, and they lay down their dough at 7 to 5 that the visitor from Swedeland will have it over the smoke-eater like a woolen bath robe. They ain't so smart. The great unwashed dancer from the home of smoke put on the greatest exhibition of the shimmy the goofs in Never sue an editor for libel. He might prove it on you.

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34 HOT DOG Gotham ever saw. For fifteen rounds he toddled, one- stepped, waltzed in and out, keeping time by slapping the big westerner in the mush, on the belly, across the. lamps and behind the ears. He was so good that when it was all over he got what they call the Decision. Indeed, 'twas a great victory for the dancing masters, the reform element to the contrary notwithstanding. That was Wictory No. 1. . Then eomes another circus act at the same place with a couple of dudes not so big. Charlie White, the Chicago Hebrew, whose real moniker is Charles Ancho- witz, steps into the ring and faces a Wop who calls him- self Johnny Dundee. White weighs seven pounds more than Dundee, even after he's washed. But what happens ? The Eyetalian dances in and out faster than Greb. He has new steps and new slaps. And when their party is all over the Wop with the dancing act wins. So you can go tell the Bluenoses who want to take the old Constitution apart again and separate us from our shimmy and toddle that we have the edge in this in- stance and that vindication for the popular pastime has come. Placard it high on all the billboards and then get together and warble: "Come on Shimmy With Me." For when roughneck boxers can produce evidence that anything is good, it certainly must be good. You can't always tell how rich a family is from the condition of its garbage.

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HOT DOG 35 ATTABOY'S BULLY BREEZES FROM TI JUANA, MEXICO (By Ray Atterberry, U. S. N.) Well, Gang, hold on tight and I will feed you some more Bully Breeze, having missed for the last two months. ^£T» The reason for walking out on you in the March and April issues is that Editor Jack sent me checks for the last two batches of hokum, and as Mexican joywater is very cheap I have been, as it were, Under the Table for the last two issues. You will probably want to know first how I am mak- ing out on the races. Well, it was only last week that I got a big thrill. I bet on a horse whose number was Six, and when the race was over some Goof put the number Six on the board. I sure felt hot then and ambled over all prepared

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36 HOT DOG to haul away the dividends. Pretty soon I hear a big noise and I see some Killjoy take the number Six and turn it upside down and make the number Nine out of it on account of him making a mistake. Then I looked out oix the track and saw them shoot Number Six so he wouldn't block the next race. Here I had bet ten berries on him and I found out that for another five I could have bought him. My luck in Ti Juana has all been dark blue this sea- son. It seems that the minute I place my money on a goat he starts running backwards. So I'm going over to tell my troubles to my pals, Johnny Walker, the Haig and Haig boys, and Benny Dicteen, who, I hope, "will let me go in time for another Bully Breeze next month. A RHYME (By the Circulation Manager) It wasn't the folly of Izzy and Dolly, Nor the heat of the sun or the sands Made Izzy so dizzy and Dolly so jolly, 'Twas the Hot Dogs they held in their hand^

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HOT DOG 37 TOPICAL TROPES Being a series of limericks on current subjects by Little Ignatz, Hot Dog Shipping Clerk and Poet. HOME RULE IN IRELAND— ALMOST The Ulstermen fight with the Mikes With bullets, shillallahs and spikes; The Orange and Green Have been mixing it mean — And that's what an Irishman likes. THE BASEBALL SEASON BEGINS Spring's with us again, tra la la, The baseball bug fattens on Pa; From Rahway to Reno They boost the Bambino, While the Umps get the merry ha ha. THE SOLDIERS' BONUS— NEARLY The soldiers were voted their Bonus, We're broke, but we need not bemoan us ; The dough they begrudge it, They gave us a budget — But meanwhile the pawnbrokers own us.

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HOT DOG KIPLING'S VAMPIRE (The original poem, written in 1897, which is better than all the shoddy plays and parodies written around it.) A fool there was and he made his prayer (Even as you and I!) ~ To a rag and a bone arid a hank of hair (We called her the woman who did not care) But the fool he called her his lady fair— (Even as you and I!) Oh, the years we waste and the tears we waste And the work of our head and hand Belong to the woman whb-did not know (And now we know that she never could know) And did not understand! A fool there was and his goods he spent (Even as you and I!) Honour and faith and a sure intent (And it wasn't the least what the lady meant) But a fool must follow his natural bent (Even as you and I !) Oh, the toil we lost and the spoil we lost And the excellent things: we planned Belong to the woman who didn't know why (And now we know that she never knew why And did not understand ! . The fool was- stripped to his. foolish hide (Even as you and I!) Which she might have seen when she threw him aside (But it isn't on record the lady tried) So some of him lived but the most of him died (Even as you and II) — Rudyard Kipling.

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HOT DOG 39 A DEFENSE OF TRAVELING MEN One common superstition that I especially loathe is- the cornfed theory that all traveling men are Devils. The Alfalfa-dweller holds firmly to the opinion that traveling men are sent on the road not to sell monkey- wrenches and frozen socks and hand-painted cuspidors and other such necessities of life but to Ruin Waitresses. Step on a Pullman and look over the average travel- ing man and you will find How silly this theory is. You will find Mr. Traveling Man a bald-headed householder whose first interest in life is the wife and kiddies at home, and whose second interest in life is his business, and whose third interest in life is the batting average of Babe Ruth. As to immorality, the first Deacon you hit at the first flag-station church beats the traveling man all hollow. Personally I have an extreme liking for the type of man that sells goods on the road. He exceeds all citi- zens in Joviality, His courtesy is unfailing. His good humor is endless. He brightens every company into which he is thrown. . LOVE MAY BE BLIND, BUT THE NEIGH- BORS AREN'T.

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40 HOT DOG And there is a good reason for his cheerirtess. The one thing above all that civilizes and sweetens human personalities is contact with other' human beings. ; Of this contact the traveling man gets a great plenty. That is why Salesman Sam of Chicago is a jolly in- fluence in the world and the Rev. Dr. Bluebeak of Po- dunk, Tenn., is a black influence in the world. I remember one of the old Latin authors who said, "Humanus'Sum Et Nihil Humani Mihi Alienum," "I am a human and nothing human is alien to me." This Latin epigram, I think, could be well known as "The Traveling Man's Motto." \ -f.D.. MEOW, MEOW— POOH! There was a young man from the city Who met what he thought was a kitty; He gave it a pat And said, "Nice little cat — — " And they burned up his clothes out of pity! ("Say It With Liquor," published in. the March issue of Hot Dog, is pub- lished by Jack Mills, Inc., 152-154 W. 45-fll St., New York City.)

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. ■ " ■■ , , \;_ Subscribe to Hot Dog for Three Dollars a year. Proceeds go to the starving bootleggers of Cleveland

a o . " . ' 'i ' 'i ii i GRAB GRAB GRAB GRAB — .. iiiMriMiimiiir '"'"■— "■

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A Warning To Our Readers! Since the publication and success of Hoi Beg, many degraded attempts have been made by fly- by-nighta to imitate us and capitalize on our name and reputation. Just recently a dull and crude pamphlet has beerfTssued entitled "Hot Dawg, Funny Follies of, .1922." It is" put out furtively and anonymously with no name. of. any editor or publisher oh it, We have just ascertained the parties respons- ible for this fraud and are taking legal measures against them. To protect yourself from deception, always see that the name of Jack Dinsmore, editor, and The Merit"' Publishing Company, Cleveland, Ohio, publishers, appears on the magazine you intend buying as this one, THE MERIT PUBLISHING COMPANY =Ja ,.' -•-*»*-=