Five Cent Wide Awake Library (vol. 1) (1886 12 22)
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Entered according to Act of Congress, im the wear 1881, oy FRANK TOUSEY., in the office or the Librarian of Congress, at Washington, D. C. Entered at the Post Ofice at New York, N. ¥.. as Second Class Matter, . pee’ FRANE sou Sete bY 2 le ste 34 « 36 Norte Moone Srreet. VN. Y. »_ PRICE ~ No. 753. } COMPLETE. ¢ New York, Dec. 22. 1286 IssuED KVERY WEDNESDAY. 15 CENTS.‘ Vol- J MIKE McQUIN NESS: _ TRAVELING FOR PLEASURE. BY TOM TEASER, ey re
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MIKE McGUINNESS. e subscription price for Tne Wipe AwAKE Lrpgary for the- year 1885 will be $2.50 per year; $1.25 per 6 mogpths post-paid. Address ste “i FRANK TOUSEY, PusrisHes, 34 and 86 North Moore Street, New York. 2 Box 2730. MIKE McGUINNESS; OR, _ TRAVELING FOR PLEASURE. By TOM “TEASER; Author of ‘*A Bad Egg,” <‘ Mulligan’s Boy,” ‘*Nip and Flip,” ‘‘Jim Jams,” ‘*Corkey,” ‘‘Senator Muldoon,” * Mul- doon Abroad,” ‘‘ Jimmy Grimes,” ‘‘ Muldoon the Solid Man,” ‘‘ Hildebrandt Fitzgum,” ‘*The Dea- con’s Son,” “*Skinny the Tin Peddier,” “‘Mulcahy Twins,” ‘‘Muldoor’s Boarding-House,” **Muldoon’s Brother Dan,” ‘‘ Two in a Box,” ‘“‘Ikey; or, He Never Got Left,” ** Tommy Tubbs, the Pride of the School,” ‘‘A Happy . Pair,” ‘* The Aldermen Sweeneys of New York,” ‘‘The 3 Jolly Moke; or, Having Lots of Fun, ” **Our - PART L THE neighborhood of the East river, down by ‘he rocks, cannot be considered very pleasant, Dut a certain young man was walkingalong, or rather stumbling along, through a muddy, ill- paved street. ; » The young man was a puzzle as regards age. * _ Sometimes he looked to be a good deal older than his closely-shaven face would imply, and a care- fal observer would have given out the tip that the young man was no spring chicken. — The hard lines about his mouth told that he essed a good deal of determination, while ® crow’s feet about his eyes and a no See! red- dish look in those optics denoted, perhaps, that the young gentleman was used to occasional dissi- eo of a mild sort, but of that we cannot reveal u © Very thin. Almost a walking skeleton. . But he was straight as an arrow, and he was attired ina dingy suit of black, which had evi- dently done g: service, and which made him look even more emaciated than he was and serv- ed to set off the pallor of his face, for his counte- nance contained about as much color as that ofa porate. Socks n his head-was a polo cap, much too small or him. fn his hand hetwirleda cane, and although his pales were all but upon the ground, they were Shera with dingy white uppers. tesently the young gentleman soliloquized : ‘We must be pretty pear here, Skitts, my boy —Wwithin a‘block or two,” Just then a barefooted boy came along carry- ing his father’s dinner pail. Mr. Skitts hailed the pail- Mr. Skitts skipped forward. He pointed his right forefinger at the lad. «Pause |” he said in an awful voice, “Heda Cor his pail in his consternation. e ‘in his coneternation. < Piaane mister,” whined he, with maybe the xnowledge of some juvenile sin upon his soul, “lemme go, I ain’t done nuthin’.” * AnSwer my questions and I will let you go,” Mr. Skitts promised, “ but you must enswer them truthfully. You behold this cane?” “ Yes, sin” : “ Know what it is?” als A cane,” _** Not only a cane, but a sword-cane, and if I find you ina falsehood I wilt not hesitate to de- prive you of your infant existence by jabbing you through the lung.” The poor kid burst into tears. rer aS an angel, Camping Out Club,” ** Muldoon the Cop,” *‘ Muldoon’s Gro- cery Store,” Etc. He thought that his-last day had come. No| wonder, for he was only about seven years old. Don’t stab me,” he sobbed, ‘an’ I’ll answer anything.” - “Which is just which you will find it to your advan to do, Question first—are you ready “ es, sir.” ** As you live ground here, you know who else lives around here?” ¥ “There’s only one man before yer come to de tiver,” the boy answered, “* Who is that?” As Mr. Skitts heard the ieee As Mr. Skitts heard the boy’s reply his became wreathed in onikee ty ‘ “My adolescent companion,” queried ‘he, ‘tis his first name Michael?” “Yes, sir.” * He keeps a sort of lodging-house?” 4 “Yes, sir.” a3: ** Where can I find his palace upon the rocks?” 1 The boy directed him, and then ran for his ife. A double around a couple of rocks, and Mr. Skitts beheld himself somewhat unexpectedly in the presence of the object of his search, for the house—if house it could be called—did not ap- pear on a casual view to be bigger than a chick- Ot Mr. Skitts went boldly up to the door of the palatial abode. The door was open, but he knocked with his usual etiquette. He had heard a hum of voices in the house as he entered, but ‘at his tap all was still, and he heard the sound of scurrying fugitivds, A dilatory response came after several min- Atlittle girl of maybe about seven, but who was precocious for her years, like all of the chil- dren of the poor. “Who is ye?” she asked, in an old voice for her age. With the utmost of gravity Mr. Skitts doffed his Foto cap. The doffing of his cap gave him away as re- garded his age, for he was nearly bald, except for two little tufts on top of his head. “Who,” interrogated he, ‘‘my fair maiden, have I the pleasure of addressing?” one this address the “fair maiden” shrank “Mar!” she presently piped in shrill tones. “ Here’s a man.” ‘ “Did ye call, Marguerite?” asked a lady, ap- =e up the kitchen stairs, or rather ladder. 5, £ Wa SOLS DE £ , mar. ae “What is it?” % * “ Here’s & man.” ~- Deftly Mr. Skitts slid into the hallway andcon- fronted the lady. She was about forty-five, built very copious, — and owning splendid. physical developments. Her face was mottled, and she was clad in some sort of an old-fashioned dress. ‘ “Mrs. McGuinness, I-sup ?” beamed Mr: ‘Skitts, showing all of his teeth, and he had big ones, in a winning smile, z The lady was so taken by surprise at the ap- paririon of Skitts that she could not find her voice, but he saved her the trouble of doing so as he went on: “Is your husband, Mr. Michael MeGuinness, within?” * “* Mike,” she called, ‘come up.” In response Mr, Michael McGuinness put in an appearance. ie Mr. Michael McGuinness could not be called handsome by any'means, His was of the sawed- off order of physical beauty. Stumpy, short and bandy-legged was he, and he eer very prominent teeth. : is nose"was a pug, and his feet vouched for themselves. His hair, which was red, he wore a la Pompa- dour, brushed up like a fright-wig. : He was arrayed ina soiled jumper overalls and bare feet. A green shade gaye a glamour of romance to his left eye. He ducked his head to Mr. Skitts. “Do ye wish to see me?” he mumbled, stand- ea upon one foot and then upon the other. r, Skitts extended bis hand, “Mr, McGuinness,” said he, “ellow me to clasp your flesh.” Somewhat in a daze, McGuinness suffered his grimy paw to be wrung, wondering what itwas all about. “Now, McGuinness—by the way, I might just as well call you Mac for short—when ean we have a few moments’ private conversation?” ** Any toime, sir. We will go in the parlor.” They did so. _ The parlor was at least comfortable. Mr. Skitts proceeded to seat himself. He threw one leg carelessly over thé arm of the rocking-chair, - ia: Smoke, Mac?” he asked, as he produced two cigars. : *“\Ivery toime,” as he sponded McGuinness, . “‘T have good news for you,” said Mr. Skitts, “* Good news?” . “ Yes,” - F Mr. Skitts produced a card-ease, ~~ at From it he selected u card. — grabbed the cigar, re-
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MIKE McGUINNESS. 3 It read as follows: “BYRON SEITTS, Counselor at Law.” And then down in one corner in small type was a line stating that Mr. Skitts was connected with a well-known firm of lawyers. Mr. McGuinness took the card. “ Mac,” briskly said Mr. Skitts, “allow me to ‘congratulate you. The card is for you.” “oe Me?” “ Yes, sir.” “What upon?” * Mac, old boy, you are a rich man, and you ean paint the town all of the colors of the rain- bow if you so desire, providing that you do it judiciously.” Mr. McGuinness seemed dazed. s we are not joking?” he said. . } 0.” =3 “Well, how much am I worth?” “Do you recollect ever having an uncle os ee! of Coanty Kerry, Ireland.” “ a) r.”” “Your uncle has crossed to the other shore, and left you his heir.” McGuinness opéned his eyes wide. is ce don’t mane it!” he ejaculated. a 0.” ** But why should he lave me anything?” * Are not you named after him?* “Thrue! Bedad, come to think, me Uncle Mike did loike me afther all.’ Will there be any money~much left for me afther I pay for the ixpenses ay the funeral?” “Mac, my dear Mac, don’t faint, try to calm your pulse,” impressively urged Mr, Skitts. ‘‘ You are worth, on a guess, about two-thirds of a million.” Mr. McGuinness looked as if he had had a paralytic shock. He sank dumbly back with a vacant stare. “Tt’s true, Mac, it is true,” Mr. Skitts reiter- ated, “‘and here are the legal memoranda which refers to your uncle’s legacy. You will have to call at my office as soon as convenient, and ask for me—ask for me, mind you, nobody else. For Heaven’s sake don’t ask for Porker; but, pshaw! he don’t know Porker. I rather think that I have gotten the best of my pettifogging friend.” Suddenly MeGuinness came to life. He jumped up in his chair. He gave vent to a regular Irish war-whoop. “Ring the dinner-bell, Ellen, ring it for yez loife,” he howled to his wite. Mrs. McMaunness promptly responded to her husband’s carol. **Ellen,” roared McGuinness, ‘‘call Teresa 2 geline, call the twins. call Danny, bad cess |” She looked aghast. : **¥e have had bad news, I know,” she wept. “Not at all, Mrs. McGuinness, but this is a queer wurruld av ours, and we all have our ups and downs. A whirl of Fortune’s wheel has made your consort wealthy.” **Glory be to God!” interrupted Mrs. McGuin- ness ; “and for how much wealth?” “© Three — quarters —of —a—million— dollars,” pompously enunciated Mr, Skitts. Mrs. McGuinness came nearer fainting than ever before in her life. “Teresa Evangeline!” she called, beginning in @ bellow and dying out to a whine. In bounced Teresa Evangeline. She was about fifteen years old, and a fair specimen of the average working-girl, for she was employed in a cigarette factory. As for her beauty, she had just about~ as |’ much as that of her father, modified by youth and a carrotty bang which nearly tickled the end of her nose. phate “What is it, mar—what is it?” she asked. “Wather!” Mr. Skitts made a move for a pitcher upon the table, and poured out a glass of water before Teresa Evangeline realized that she had been superseded. “{ will attend to your mother, dear. young miss,” he declared. “TI will explain later. Your father is one of the bloated monopolists of the land, and never shall he be obliged to work again in his life. That is, if the jurisdiction of affairs are left to me, Byron Skitts, Esq. I am leav- ing all of my other law business to look after you, and you alone. Never have I taken such a at to a man, or, indeed, may®I say to the whole family. T will watch ‘over yon and pro- teet you. I will be in the breach every time.” Thus having exhausted himself, Byron Skitts struck an attitude as if to say, ** Beliold what I have done for you!” ; The next minute, however, he was foreed to unbend it. Besides the fascinating Teresa Evangeline, there was a complete counterpart of the damsel who had first greeted Mr. Skitts. No wonder. The two were twins, and if they had not known that one of them was called Eliza and the other Marguerite, they would probably have kept on aia themselves for each other all of their ves. Following upon their heels came Daniel. Daniel, to make a plain statement, was not at all handsome. He was.a big baby, his father always having petted him, seeing that his other children had panned out girls. aria « What do ye want me for?” asked Daniel, in a whine, of his father. In answer McGuinness beckoned to his son. “Rist yez head upon me bosom, Daniel. Me Uncle Moike, after who I wur named, and who niver did any good all av his loife, has finally atoned by his dying and Javing me—guess how | much?” ‘‘ Fifteen dollars?” hesitatingly inquired Daniel. “Yifteen dollars!” repeated Mr. McGuinness, n refrigerator accents, ‘I am worth now three- quarters av a million dellars.” ** And I, Byron Skitt. Counselor at Law, vouch that such is a verity.” As he spoke he transfixed Marguerite with his intelligent forefinger, an action which rendered the poor child dumb for the while. If she was stilled Daniel was not, He gave vent to a wild yell of pleasure. Hurray!” he howled; “I can wear a high hat now and all the picket-fence collars I want.” ** Most assuredly,” said Byron, beaming upon all rzosent like a good genius, Daniel jumped into a chair and began wildly waving his handkerchief. His Sample was COR OUR ie atwinkling the parlor was a scene of ac- tivity. McGuinness himself gave vent to his emotion in a regular old-fashioned break-down. Mrs. McGuinness and Teresa Evangeline pauses each other and began to dance a breuk- own. The twins caught the fever, too, and yelled joy- fully. Mc. Skitts looked on the Pate of happiness. ““Enjoy yourself,” he said; “‘let the not un- natural ebullition of joy pass away, and——” “ Mar?” said Marguerite, who had been looking out of the window. “ Well?” asked Mrs. McGuinness, cessating her lignt fantastic toe business, , “ Here comes & man.” “Where?” < “ He’s right in front.” : Mr. Skitts sprang to the window. An expression of the utmost happiness came over his face. He beheld a tall, stout, greasy-faced man, clad in shabby black and a white high hat, coming in. Mr. Skitts knew him well. The new-comer was Porker, whom Mr, Skitts had mentioned before. Both were about alike, the jackals of the legal |. prove doing the dirty work for some well- <nown firm, S80 that they can claim to be con- nected with them and “pick up what” they can. Mr. Skitts bounded out on the porch. ‘**Porker, old fellow,” he said, in genial tones, * this is an unexpected pleasure.” Maybe it might have been to Skitts. But it did not appear to be at all to the gentle- man addressed by the name of Porker. He turned pale. He staggered. “You—Skitts !” he gasped, in a hoarse whisper,’ as his face paled. “ Yes, it’s me,” smilingly said Mr. Skitts, from the porch, ‘“ Allow me to introduce you to my client, Mr. Michael McGuinness, of whose legal affairs I have sole. control, and his eharming family. Come up, Porker; join us.” zs But the fleshy gentleman seemed to have shrunk about a hundred pounds. ° “ How—how—how,” he faltered, ‘did you get onto the snap?” “The early bird catches the worm, old boy,” | fin assured Mr. Skitts. at home.” : es discomfited Porker could do naught but obey. But he looked a picture of fat misery as he seated himself upon the end of a chair. His heart was broken, : He had calculated that he would have been the one to bring the good news to McGuinness. But he had been forestalled. ‘© Blame it!” he muttered to himself, “ why did “Come in; make yourself _| not T take the elevated road instead.of the street- Because the childrer,as MeGuinness called | cars? I might have headed him off.” . them, came rushing in. “Mr. Skitts produced a coin. : “Let us celebrate this auspicious occasion,” herequested. “ Daniel, would you mind werking the growler and bring us more cigars?” Daniel obeyed. ; The result was that hilarity soon reigned. With one exception. Tbat was Mr. Porker. He was the ghost at the banquet feast, He tried to enjoy his beer. He couldn’t. It seemed flat. His cigar, too, was a stayer—warranted to stay ‘ out all of the while. He hitched his chair up to Skitts’. P “Say, Byron, old fellow,” he whispered, “I’m in whack, ain’t I?” Mr. Skitts looked the allegory of surprise, * Whack on who?” he asked. ; Porker jerked his thumb in the direction of McGuinness. : “The sucker,” he said. Mr. Skitts’ brows corrugated. “Not much,” said he; ‘‘he’s mine, cully, and you keep off the grass.” * But—but —’ Mr. Skitts waved him away. “Any little legal business that I can put in four way that I won’t be able to attend to myself ‘or my client I will give you,” he said. Poor Porker was crushed. “Then I suppose I might just as well be going,” he said. ; q “No hurry, no hurry at all—the day is youn yet,” blithely answered Mr. Skitts, ‘“‘Stay wit us yet for a while.” : here was somethirg, though, in the atmos- phere uncongenial to Mr. Porker. With a frigid bow he le?t. 3 “Curses upon Skitts!” he muttered, as he stumbled over the rocks, a baleful light in his eyes and his hands thrust deep in his pants. “I will euchre him yet. Ruby Porker can down a Skitts any time.” Byron Skitts knew that he had‘a regular pud- ding on the helpless clan of McGuinness, Opportunity had put achance inthe way of feathering his nest, which he well meant to clutch on to. ~ “Of course, Mac,” he said, ‘“‘you must leave here right away.” ‘Tis mesilf that is willing to go now roight off,” responded McGuinness, as he made a move as if to.start with all of his family. Mr. Skitts restrained him. “Gently,” he purred. “* Your idea of travelin for pleasure is a ne plus wtra one. But I would not go traveling right away—not for a little while. Excuse me for plain speaking, but you all want a society veneer—a society varnish.” MeGuinness nodded his cranium approvingly. **T think loikewise mesilf,” he assented. ‘‘ it is foine the ould woman will look wid a societhy yenéer on her.” ; “T don’t care about any veneers, for I heard a, girl, whose mother is a dressmaker, say that the were all ont of style. I wanta seal-skin dol- man.” : “Two .of. them, and a fur-lined opera-cloak,” assented their benefactor. ‘* But to continue—I will secure to-morrow a furnished mansion upon fifth avenue, with servants, horses and car- riages, plate, and everything complete, just the temporary abiding place that a monopolist like you should have.” - At the sound of the word monopolist, which to MeGuinness was something way upin the world, although he could not have told exactly what he, appeared.to grow an inch taller, : *Go ahead,” he excitedly said. yez hands. I——” He stopped short. His face fell. ~ * What is it?” his visitor queried. “ How can 1 out what ye have arranged wid me wid niver a cint in me pocket?” = “ T will provide forall that, restassured,” loftily remarked. Mr. Skitts. ‘“‘I have foreign capital behind me. And now, adieu. To-morrow diter- noon I will be here, and will have all arrange- ‘ments consummated. A parting word,” andthe speaker held McGuinness spellbound by his. Tt. What?” gasped MceGuinnass. *« Beware of Porker!” «That friend av yez?” : “Friend! He is a leech, a vampire and a blood-sucker! If he dares come uround here again refuse him admittanee. I have an idea that he may get upa cabal to deprive you of your inheritance. If he refuses to go when ordered to I a shoot him. Porker is a blood-stained” villain.” “T lave allin His words impressed MeGuinness, and after Mr. Skitts had departed, shaking hands with shed couple and Kissing the twins, McGuinness said:
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Ww 4 “Ttis inadazethat lam. I fale stunned loike I wur whin I fell from off ava tinement-house and were nearly done for. That Mr. Skitts is a wonderful man, and I will be moinded by what © says.” = iewad I,” said his wife; “‘and.if that cod- ger, I think he called him, comes around, I wud take none ay his blarney off av him.” “Nayther I will!” resolutely determined Mc- Guinness. “ I belave Skitts is a thrue friend av me own.” Was he? Time will show. > Needless to say that Skitts did not let the grass grow under his feet. : His had been a career which, to put it as mild as ible, could not bear. close investigation, and he was familiar with the shady side of New York society, In one respect he failed, though. He did not get the mansion promised the fol- lowing day, but he did three days later. The interval was not lost. The McGuinnesses, piloted by the ever-alert Mr. Skitts, made a visit to the most famous tailors and dressmakers. Money was no object. « Their charge d’ affairs had obtained that in some devious manner best known to himself. “ At three,” he said, “to-morrow afternoon be dressed. The landau will be here then.” The McGuinnesses did not rest much that night. Their skulls were full of bright visions. Never, probably, had a landau arrived in that locality before. Sndeed, it did not arrive just in front of the shanty, but a couple of blocks away. It was hard work for the pedestrian to make his way along the Spprvath to the McGuinness chateau, without a vehicle attempting the feat. The McGuinnesses were rather ati than other- ane ees Aa ts t gave them an opportunity to paralyze their old neighbors, who been duly informed: of their de ure, and came to see them off with genuine Irish good-will. Mr. Skitts was on hand, His rsonal appearance had decidedly chap for the better. You would not have recognized the y law- yer of a few days previous in the ort geese gentleman who greeted the family. The McGuinnesses were dumfounded at the turn-out which they beheld. It was of olive-green, with red wheels, drawn by two champing steeds, Upon the box was a coachman—an English coachman—who ap to be carved out of stone as he sat with his chin uplifted in the air and his whip tightly grasped. Alongside of him was another sean, astonish- ing apparition to the denizens of region. t was a regular “tiger, you know,” a wizened ‘little imp, with a face like a grandfather. and who equaled in cheerfulness his elder menial. As McGuinness beheld it he clutched at his wife’s arm. “ Ould woman,” he almost shouted, “ luk at it; it is ours.” She gave him a frown. “What ails ye?” she whispered. “Don’t let people know that we have niver been used to Sind things.” And nayther more we have,” remarked he, a remark made audible enough for those around to hear, and which was a sure promise of a curtain lecture. Sow spectators were ful] of admiration for the eq ” it grand?” ~ “Wud ye luk at the droiver?” “Ts it a monkey upon the box?” “Tt must have cost a million.” “It’s the thrie color—ould Oireland’s own.” “‘ And the wheels !” “ That's roight.” “Thrue. The grane above the red.” Mr. Skitts inte: He did not care much for that sort of a demon- stratian, and he was afraid that McGuinness, might, liable as not, offer to treatiall hands at the liquor saloon on the corner. e bundled them off into the landau. All, of course, could not go, but the old couple, Teresa Evangeline, and the twins, were taken, Daniel going with Mr. Skitts on the elevated rail- road. “ All right, John,” said Mr. Skitts. The statue on the box woke up, He gathered his reins. Crack! The whip sounded. Over the rocky road struggled the landau with | crow. difficulty. It did not leave without a send-off, though. Those gathered about gave them one. ‘MIKE McGUINNESS. Cries rent the air. “Good luck to ye!” “«May peace an’ pleathy be wid ye always.” “Take care av yesilf.” “Let us know where ye live!” “* We'll come call upon ye.” McGuinness felt affected. “Tt is good-hearted people that they are, God bless them,” he remarked, ‘“‘and some noight I will send thim down a brewery for the compli- ment.” Needless to say, the McGuinness chariot at- tracted a good deal of notice. Generally, people believed that it was- either part of some circus rocession or else a novelty in the advertising ine, and half expected to see urchins in the Tear. No wonder. : The way that the occupants were rigged was —well, pen cannot describe the way that they were rigged out. They looked like extracts from a Bowery show-window. The carriage finally got to the house which Mr. Skitts had chosen. It was the biggest in the block, and only four stories in height. 4 “It is I who will be afraid to go in, for fear av pene kicked out,” said McGuinness to his wife. “Ye kape yez tongue shut,” savagely she or- dered. ‘Let me do the talking.” They got out, the door of the landau being ed by a porter, to whom McGuinness me- nically said ‘‘ Thanks,” an observation which affected Mrs. McGuinness so that she tripped on the step, and she and Teresa Evangei:=> who eaught her foot in her mother’s unabridged skirts, had a narrow escape from making an un- dignified exit. ost likely, they would had not the porter saved them. The mansion was open. Mr. Skitts welcomed them. He stood in the hall surrounded by servants. “ Mr. McGuinness,” said he, in et a dap- per gentleman clad in biack and in full-dress, “this is Monsieur Boncheer.” The monsieur bowed.” MeGuinness shook hands with him heartily. “Tam plazed to know ye,” he said, “and I ate to become betther acquianthed wid ye, s 7 * The other looked surprised. He looked inquiringly at Mr. Skitts, gently dis- en: his hand and stepped back. r. Skitts gave McGuinuess a kick. “You blamed fool,” said he, in low tones, “that is the chef d’ cuisine,” “The who?” “ Chef @ cuisine.” “* Who’s he?” “ The French cook.” “Ts that so?” “ Yes.” “Then, bedad, I must apologize to——” “The best thing for warts do is go up in the library with me,” Mr. Skitts said, as he caught hold of his patron’s arm, anxious to get him out of the way before he furnished more of a circus for the ret servants. “You must learn, my dear Mac, not to be im- petuous,” he said, as he ushered McGuinness into the library. ‘There he gave him a good talking to about his behavior. McGuinness listened helplessly. “Tt is all so new,” he extenuated. “Well, yes, that’s a fact,” owned Mr. Skitts; “but you must try to do your best.” The gentleman pppeales to promised. He meant to keep his word; but at the elabor- ate dinner, served in courses, he sadly failed. His family were not far behind him, and Mr. Skitts was inacold shiver until the meal was over. “Tt will be tougher work than I expected with | mp), nets he muttered; ‘‘ but it will pay me in the end.” - Then aloud he said: “Your valet will be here to-morrow——” “Mo who?” interrupted McGuinness. “Your valet.” “ What is it?” “Your body-servant—_the one who dresses you.” * Ain’t I able, begob, to dhress mesilf?” “That is not it. Every gentleman of your po- sition on the social ladder must have a valet. It is imperative. Your wife and Miss McGuinness will have French maids.” “ Howly Heaven |” exclaimed McGuinness ; ‘it will be as good as a circus to gaze at the ould Mr. Skitts interrupted : = “Call your wife Mrs. McGuinness, not old crow.” *« All roight, I’ll thry and think more about me etiquette.” ““Doso. As for the twins, they will have a col- ored nurse,” “The Saints help her!” « Why?” ‘They will have her dead. in a week.” “ We'll risk it; and let me see, what else—oh! I nearly forgot the first thing; in the mcrning we go to the dancing-master’s,” “The dancing-master’s!” blankly observed MeGuinness. se Yes.” ‘“What do I want av wan? Do ye desoire to convert me into a spieler in me ould days?” “It is absolutely necessary. In traveling for pleasure you will be begged by the biggest peo- ple in the land to favor them with your presence at balls, receptions, state occasions and so forth. It iscompulsory. The whole family are to go— not only you alone.” : McGuinness yielded, What else could he do? Docile as dough to the kneeder just then was he to his tutor. Next morning they went to the danging acad- emy, which was kept by a nervous little French- man named Leroy. : They were.in full dress (?) according to the belief of the McGuinesses. The head of the family and Daniel wore swal- low-tails, but as for the toilets of the ladies, we frankly and freely own that our pen is inade- quate to describe them. But the genius of the artist shows you just how they looked on the front They were received by a liveried servant, and ushered up into a private dancing hall, which was almost a boudoir. Mr. Skitts had spared no expense, as McGuinness would find out. on the professor appeared. He was a nervous little man, the ideal of an instructor in the art of Terpsichore, What he must have thought of the mob no one knows, but he made no sign, After being introduced to the collection he took from a table his fiddle and bow. “Now,” he said, in broken English, “form on ze line.” “T don’t see none, sir,” said McGuinness. - “Ze line vas fictitious. Here, I show yo’ ow.” : As he spoke he grabbed them and pushed them into a line, face front. “T wondher what this is for?” whispered Mc- Guinness to his wife. “ Faix, we luk more like a target company than anything ilse.” “Ye subsoide,” she replied, viewing with great complacency her satin dancing-slippers, which looked the size of tombstones. “Now,” said the professor, “we vill begin ze lesson first. It vill be vun, two, dree.” “‘T never heard of a dance like that before,” spoke up Miss Teresa. ‘‘I want to learn to danca the glide.” , A slap on her back from her mother reminded her to keep stitl. Then the professor confronted them. “Vun, two, dree,” he said, taking three steps first to one side and then to the other. “‘ Vatch me carefully, for all dances are founded on za yun, two, dree movement. Imitate my example, Me Cae my fiddle and bow go vun, two, dree, ow He waved the fiddle and bow. The McGuinnesses attempted to do as they had seer him do. It was a decided failure. As the line of dancers immediately broke, and “vun, two, dreed” anyhow, each one on their own hook. © They made the floor shake as if a herd of buf- faloes had arrived to learn the light fantastic. ‘* Non! Non!” yelled the excitable French- man, waving frantically, ‘it vas all vrong. ere vas no harmony; ze vas lacking. Vill you please not break my house down more, and try it again?” PART II. Poor Monsieur Boncheer was in utter despair # the ill success of his celebrated ** vun-two-dree ” move- ment which he alleged was the primary factor in the art of Terpsichore. He almost sank into a heap upon the floor. * Parbleu!” he exclaimed, in piteous socents, ‘horses, cattle mn ze grave.’’ A warning cough and a frown from Mr. Skitts brought him to his senses. He had been paid hands6mely for the tuition that he was expected to give, and he had no right to make un- alder is comments upon the performances of pupils. “ Excuse me, sare,” he bowed to McGuinness, “but to put it in ze mildest vay ze feet of you all seem--— how you call it —stupid. : “Bedad, I am sure that moine do,’? burst out
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eee ee een enn TS EEE LT EES EET MeaGuinness; ‘they fale more than stupid, as if they were made out ay cast-iron. It wud give me heart- felt joy to kill the shoemaker who made me these dancing-pumps.”” - * Zey vill be all right in time,” assured Monsieur Bancneer. “ Now, ifyou please, all ‘ vun-—-dwo—tree’” n.”” The line was formed over again, and after about fifty—at least 1t seemed so to the McGuinnesses—he let up on them. ; * You vill get 1t in time,”” he promised. “ T hope so,”? commented McGuinness. ‘* Owing to the build ay me dancing-pumps, the sensathions about me feet are as if [had been dancing upon red-hot griddles.”” ‘The professor politely ignored the obseryation. But he was not through with them yet. “Ze polka comes next,” he said; *‘ zat vas one— two—dree, only lively. Madume, may I have ze pleas- ure?’ : Mrs. McGuinness it was that he accosted. She had sank down, almost exhausted, into an arm- pais and was fanning herself with a bright, crimson Well, sir?’? she queried. . ** Ze pleasure.” “Of what ?”? “ Ze polka, Max.’? In response a wild-eyed man, whose hair was comb- ed up akin to a whitewash brush, entered. Monsieur Boncheer handed him his fiddle and bow. “ Now, madam,” invited he. Mrs. McGuinness arose. “What is it ye desoire?" ashed she. “Ze polka.” With great delicacy he placed himself and her in th proper polka ition. = poss: ; ‘The rest of the family looked on. First in open-mouthed wonder. Then they grinned. And made comments. Audibly. , “Ma {s going to splel!”? gasped Teresa Evangeline. “Look at mar!’ cried the twins in concert. “Wonder if she won’t turn it into a clog?’ said Daniel. “ Luk at the attithude!’? he remarked. “I wud give foive hundred dollars for an instantaneous picthure av her, and [ wud give foive hundred more for another whin the fiddle stroikes up.” Presently the fiddle did strike up. **Max!’? cried the professor, Max obeyed the summons. From the violin issued the strains of that very en- trancing melody, yclept “The Fisherman’s Daugh- ter.” The polkaists started off, It was a very fancy exhibition of the light fantastic toe. About as much so as the gyrations of a whale and a shrimp, for, to exaggerate a little, such was about the relative difference in physique in the couple, = polkaists were Asi woes to pass uncriticised, cGuinness was de! He expressed himself so that he could be heard by the subject of his strictures. * Luk at her move.” * Aisy, Ellen.” * All hands around.” ~ ‘'y a gloide.”? ee isa ‘Newport dip that yez shape adapts ye best ** Dosey-do.”? “Twirl the ninepin.’* “ Balance through the middle,” “See the wave av her hoofs.” He did not mean that his wife should overhear his praises. j But trust a woman’s ear, Despite the music she heard them all. She had meant to be as dignified as possible, but al- luding to her feet as hoofs was too much for any proper-svirited female pride. Disengaging herself from the embrace of Monsieur Boncheer with a force that sent him sprawling on the floor, she rushed at her husband with uplifted fist. “Call me feet hoofs, ye unmannerly dhressed-up baboon!’ she cried, as she made a reach for uis hair. “The oidea av yez spaking loike that to me!” McGuinness made a dodge. It was successful. . “He placed a sofa between himself and his enraged wife. Mr. Skitts sprung hastily forward. He placed himself,between the two, “Mrs. McGuinness,”’ he said, in grave accents, ‘*I am surprised!’’ 7 ‘His words-caused her to stop. Unwillingly, though. With flashing eyes she questioned: “pia not ye hear what she baboon spoke about me?’ : "© 7 did.” : “Thin ye wondher at me flying at him? Its scalp kim IT should.” j Mr. Skitts knew how to manage her. “You must excuse him,” he said, in a low tone of voice meant only for her ears. “but of course Mac does not know etiquette. Iwill pave to lecture him ~ on the subject.” Mrs. McGuinness was mollified. But as she returned to her chairshe muttered: “Tf it wur I, not he, that wur giving the lecthure, I wud not fool ‘away me toime in wurruds. I’d usea ker.” P’poor Monsieur Boncheer was so surprised at the tumbie which he had received. 7 So surprised that he remained upon the floor, rest- ing upon his elbows, and gazing helplesslyup. . te MIKE McGUD1INNESS. As for the wild-eyed man, he at first evinced an in- tention to flee when he beheld his superior toppled over, but checking if, he picked him up. The dancing-master tottered.to a seat _ He looked imploringly at Mr. Skitts. That worthy caught the look, and made a rapid pan- tomime. It was sufficient. It was understood. Monsieur Boncheer arose from his chair with a face all smiles. f He made directly for Mrs. McGuinness, “Vun million pardongs, madame,” he uttered, in regular molasses-tinctured accents. ‘‘It vas ze fault of me stupid booby. My foot must have caughtin ze train of ze dress.”’ Well content to accept the verbal subterfuge, she made as gracious areply as she could under the cir- cumstances. ~ Accidents will happen,” answered she; ** but if ye plaze. I think we will discontinue the dancing-lessons for the day,”’ “Wid all me heart,” expressed McGuinness; “if I wur forced to dance around in these disthressed brogans any more I wud be crippled for loife.”” Making the remark, he caught hold of one of his maligned foot-coverings. Mr. Skitts beheld the action. : “For Heaven’s sake, McGuinness,” he demand ‘what are you at?” “Ye have eyes, have ye not?’ placidly responded McGuinness. “Yes.” “Thin ye ought to use them. Can’t ye see that I mane to enjoy mesilf in me socks for a whoile? Me feet are baked.” “You are a daisy!’ sharply said Mr. Skitts, “ You won't do nothing ef the sort. Don’t you want to sit in your shirt-sleeves and smoke a clay pipe?’ McGuinness desisted. Somewhat crestfallenly. “It seems to me ye are awful particular,” he mut- red, * Have to be with you,’’ said Mr. Skitts; “didn’t I promise to make one of the first gentlemen in the land out of you?”? “And this is what I get for it—ingratitude.” ‘*For what ??” “Trying to learn you manners, Here you are kick- ing already.”? “7 ain’t.’? sey. arts hy are, and for two. cents I will throw you overboard altogether, hang me if I don’t!” The words were pronounced so fiercely that Mc- Guinness trembled. Lose Skitts ! Lose his social sheet-anchor ! Never ! He most humbly apologized, and Mr. Skitts chuckled to himself. Gr xs “ Lucky for him, for it he had the exerthion wud- have killed him. Shure, I don’t nadesocks—I havent worn these the week outyet.” © 7 ee = pine ee Cabaret as de Saville exchanged . re our a re : : Beas 2. ‘*Ts—is he dead?” w= Z
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ane MIKE McGUINNESS. “Yes, sir, or else I would not be in$your service mows He left me a handsome bequest and a mourn- ng ring. Richard arose in MeGuinness’ mental regard at this statement. A yalet who was bequested and mourning-ringed by a prince must prove ja valuable ‘acquisition to a man about to travel for pleasure. “No wondhber,” sadly said McGuinness; “‘ the shirts doubtless undhermoined his health, but the socks wur the exthra sthraw which killed: him. But av coorse if it is the proper thing I wud just’as life change me socks forthy-noine toimes a day instead av four. Go ahead wid me toilet.” Mr. Skitts withdrew. Then Richard proceeded to array his employer. It was a horrible ordeal for the latter, more especial- ly as he was about a: head more diminutive than his servitor, and he had to stand upon a stool to be prop- erly garbed. He presented a picture of dismay. Meanwhile Mr. Skitts, whose ideas of humor were rather forced, had gone down to the servants’ hall. There he threw o/f his restraint. 2 He cared nothing for them, all his tools. **Come up and see the boss being togged out,” he invited. They did so. The room where McGuinness was being appareled was one ofa suite, the doors of which were ajar. So it was that the grinning servants enjoyed the treat of watching McGuinness’ agony under Richard’s mischievous and by no means gentle manipulations of his garments. PART IIL ME. Sxirrs and his companions deeply enjoyed the suffering of McGuinness under the hands of his tort- urer, Richard the valet. The fun for the lookers-on did not last long. A servant girl imprudently giggied. McGuinness heard her. : He turned his head just in time to catcha flying glimpse of fleeting forms. * What does it mane, Richard?” he queried. “ What does what mean?’ asked the stoical Rich- ard. “ Me toilet has been beheld,’* “Impossible, sir.” “But I am certhain that I heard a giggle and the soight av some wan fleeing.” = Could not be, sir. See for yourself; we are all alone.” ** But I heard a giggie and the rustle av skirts.’ “One of the chambermaids, no doubt, passing along the corridor.” McGuinness looked not quite satisfied at this plaus- ible explanation. “It may be so,’’ he responded, *‘and it may be not; but after this era we will have all ay the doors clos to prevent an audience,”’ “ Yes, sir,”’ gravely said Richard, and the toilet pro- ceeded. When McGuinness was done he was a daisy, being arrayed in the fullest of fall dress. “ Bedad!’? he exclaimed, as he gazed admiripgly at himself in a pier-glass, *‘I wud give fifty dollars if the gang on the rocks could behould me now. It wud be unnerved for a week at the soight av me splendor. Afther all, I am not so bad looking.”’ “You have the bearing exactly of the Prince de Montmorentcy Baron de Saville,” assured Richard, ‘and the ce was considered to have one of the finest figures in all Europe.’? The flattery accomplished Richard’s object. Betore he left the room he received a crisp bank- note. McGuinness went down to show himself off to his family, proud as a peavock. “Luk at me, Ellen,” he said; “ain’t ye proud av me? Kisa dudg that Il am.” regular “ Yis, ye do luk noice for ye,’’ admitted Mrs. Mc- Guinness, ** but wait till ye see us at the table.” Truth to tell, the 'adies were a sight to look upon. The unparalleled splendor of their get-up broke even the staid old butler all up, and he kept making all sorts of m es, actually pouring his master’s cham- page out in a finger-bowl, but it was all of the same, McGuinness ex: his satisfaction on having his wine poured out in a “ schooner-glass.”’ Well, Mr. Skitts kept them in New York until he sneceeded in polishing them up a little. Then he concluded it was ie to steer them on their travels. “To-morrow,” he announced, “ we start on our i So Think what we prea we will have if you are guided strictly in all things by me.’ “ Where are we bound for first?’ asked McGuin- ness. * Philadelphia.’ “That’s good. I have friends there. Me woife’s Jocie runs a foive-cint restaurant, and me Cousin nis kapes an elegant saloon. He calls it ‘The we in the Wall,’ I belave.’’ -- We will call upon them the first thing,’’ promised Mr. Skitts, tuwardly vowing to do nothing of the sort. Mr. Skitts had a keen sense of humor,and he meant to get all of the fon, as well as all of the money, he could out of the McGuinnesses. = Touly hired the turmont, ia I and I bounced on it this afternoon.” * Right away—right here. Where is that old Coney Island, oné-horse open barouche of yours ?”’ = ee in thunder do you want of that crazy ar “That's my business. Where is it?” “Up in the loft,” “Then get a progress on you and lead on; I will follow you there.” They went up into the loft. By the dim light of the lantern they viewed it, It was 'a magnificent wreck. A rickety, aged, one-horse open barouche in the last stages of dilapidation. Mr. Skitts surveyed it with an air of content. “ That will do tip-top,” he asserted. “To split up inter kindling-wood,” grunted Jack- son, in puzzled tones. ‘ Blessed if I get onto your lay. Why, the old hearse will drop apart afore she goes a mile.’’ “Not as bad as that, I guess,’’ Mr. Skitts said. “We'll fix her so that she will carry the McGuinnesses in style befitting the noble descents of Irish kings that they a bless ’em.”? ie r. Skitis proceeded to explain what he desired one. His recital affected Jackson so that he sank down upon a bale of hay to recuperate. * You don’t mean it??? he Lr “Never was I firmer in any intention in my life,” answered Mr. Skitts. * You want it all rigged up with fancy cushions ?”” “ Yes.” “ Buffalo robes ?”” “* Correct.” “Two big red sleighing-plumes on each side of the driver’s box?” * Oui.’? “ And you want a nigger coachman in full livery ?”” ‘Fake up a regular stunner.” “A chime of bells, tov ?”? * Every time.” The proprietor of the equine hotel recuperated to a certain extent. ° He arose from the bale of hay. “ Skitts,’? he remarked, as he gazed with something like envy at the other, *‘ you bave got a nerve,”’ “Thank you for the compliment, Jackson,” re- joinec the lawyer. ‘* We will now speed our way to papers the two blooded steeds I spoke about.” hey returned to the lower floor. Jackson gave a whistle. In reply a couple of hatless, barefooted hostlers ap- peared from somewhere in the cellar. * Bring out Prince and Beauty,” ordered he. They fled to execute his mandate, for he was not prone to treat his help with any extraordinary degree of kindness. Soon they re-appeared with the two priceless quad- rupeds called for. They were cautious, If they had ever been entered in a horse-show the roof of the building would have caved in on them, Prince was a big white horse who could be almost seen through. He had a bobtail, or hardly any tail at all, hoofs hke butcher’s blocks, and any amount of other imperfections in the eyes of a veterinary sur- geon. And when he lifted his grand and imposing head he looked to be about eleven feet high. The second animal was as valuable as the first. “T am going to She was a mean, miserable pony of about the size | pe! used In playin, io, named ferent Mr. Skitts ra his hands popes r gleefully. “They are pets!’ he chuck! “T tell you what, Jackson, when they get Beauty in front and Prin make a sensation, eh?” “ Sensation?’ repeated Jackson. say 80.” é A few minutes’ more conversation, and “Mr. Skitts hitched up tandem, with ce in the shafts, they will * Well, I should left, first telling Jackson to follow his directions in |- everything, and have the anomaly of an equipage at the McGuinness mansion in time to catch the train the following morning. : “Don’t be afraid to sock it to Mac in the bill,” were his last words, ‘‘and don’t forget my divyy.” “ Which you bet you won’t failto remind me of,” muttered Jackson, as he spat out his nearly masti- cated straw, selected a fresh one for consumption, and watched Mr, Skitts’ retreating figure with some- thing akin to pride, for often rogues take a sneaking enjoyment in one another’s success, Meanwhile McGuinness had promptly reported te his family their approaching departure. “and in ordher to move in a stoiyJe as befits our position,” he interrogated, *‘ what koind ay a vehicle do ye suppose that I have charthered to wheel us to the ferry ?? **T hope, mar, he’s got us a four-in-hand,” ejacula- ted Teresa Evangeline. ‘They are so the mode,” ** The what?’? said McGuinness, “ The mode.” “What's a mud?’? ““Not a mud, par, but @ monde. It is French for the height of style.”’ * And it is very“plazed that Iam to see ye dabbling in Frinch already in yez talk,” approved McGuinness, “It sounds quoite English, ye know. But lam sorry, me dear, to wilt yez ambithions relative to displa: av yesilf in a four-in-hand in the bud. I have en; no dhrag, but a Russian tandem.”’ All grew interested at once. ° “Js that more chic than a four-in-hand?” spake Teresa Evangeline. . “Is that more av the language av the frog-aters?” her father inquired, = “ Yes, par.’ N “ And does it mane the same as ‘mud,’ or what- iver ye said before?” “ Yes, par.’” McGuinness proudly patted his eldest daughter upon the head. * Kape at yez French, me colleen,” he said, “and it is maybe an opera-cloak bedecked wid sealskin fur that I will give ye when the could weather comes.” “That is ail right, par,” persisted the young lady, “but I want to Kiow what a Russian tandem is, You ain’t told us yet.” Neither he had. fie had not the faintest tion of the equi: e had not the fain’ conception of the equ’ “T won't,’ he answered, after a moment’s heals sete par. * Surproises are always pleasant, and I wish ye te clap yez hands wid glee when ye see the grandbeur av our departhure from our mansion.” Turning y bree! on his heel to avoid further ques- tioning, he left the room abruptly, thus getting out of his quandary. The morrow came. ‘ The servants who were to accompany our party were Richard, Mrs. McGuiuness’ French nurse, from somewheres around Limerick, who called herself Julie, John, che coachman, who was taken along, as Mr. Skitts explained, as a courier, but actually more as a heeler, and Winkles, the , the dried-up kid who had occupied the box alongside of John on the day when the former associates of McGuinness were paralyzed, almost, by the appearance of the landau upon the rocks. + Being kept up late packing trunks and so forth, it was late before they arose. Indeed the innocent (?) Mr. Skitts’ found them at breakfast. “ Why, why,?? he mildly reproved, “‘nice time for banqueting. The Russian tandem will soon be here.”’ Breakfast was finished most hastily. Donning their wraps, they sat around in anticipa- tion of the tandem’s advent. They had not long to wait. Soon cries were heard in the street. Also the sound of borse’s hoofs. Mr. Skitts well knew wat it meant. 4. Ae as much as he could do to restrain his mirt He would have desired nothing better than to have laid down upon the floor, rolled over and kicked him- self with merriment. ; Well he knew the circus he was going to have traveling with the McGuinnesses for pleasure, and the * Russian tandem ” was the first send-off. By a py: effort, however, he kept his face. The McGuinesses rushed to the parlor windows. The sight they beheld caused them fo staré at one anotuer in amazement. No wonder they were astonished. Such a vehicle as the * Russian tandem *? had prob- - ably never before been seen in New York, or, for that matter, any other city. Beauty was the leader of the tandem, and upon her diminutive back was erected a chime of sleigh-bellis in hoop form. In her ears were ribbons, and her mane was most elegantly braided. Behind her was Prince, looking, in comparison, almost double her size. He was rigged up just the same as his mate, exce: rha As for the open barouche, Mr. Skitts’ orders had heen faithfally carried out. The turn-out was jost what he designed it to be, colored coaciman and all, the coach- man only being about six fect high. Mr. Skitts, exerting his self-control over his "isible — Muscles to the utmost, skipped to a window. His suspicions were aroused, 2 = a@ few more fancy touches, ~ Somber became the hue of McGuinness’ visage.
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MIKE “McGUINNESS. **Skitts.’’ he hoarsely said, ‘*ye must take me for a focl, €on’t ye? is—for a forthune. Begorra, hod-carriers wud lave their worruk to throw bricks at us, and small blame to thim.”’ Mr. Skitts had expected the outbreak, Fully equal to it was he. Seizing his hat, he jammed it down flercely over his ears. “Richard ?’” he called to the valet. Richard glided forward. * Yes, sir,’’ he said. ** Send the Russian tandem away instantly.” Then, soliloquizing, he continued: “Serves me right. Thereis no use of casting pearls before swine McGuinness, I wash my hands of you. Here, after I have procured you the last novelty in the way of vehicles—a vehicle all Murray Hill will be copy- Pa Sti Eluding a gate-man, who tried in the ing to-morrow—you kick about it. It’s natural, I suppose; water will return to its natural level. The SS yeh par et on that jo rae ee you would be an n by a mule. as ” Hichard aa or told you, Richard. a tts played his rtso well McGuinness was taken Pe ee “ Hould on,” he said, “ don’t Mr. Skitts looked the picture “It was you, not me, who, pression, * up,’”? he said. * What were y marks, I should ike to Know, relative to the candam? Understand, Mr. McGuinness, | am a gentleman, not a menial, The services which I had intended to ren. der you were not prompted solely on account of pecu- miary motives, but principally by friendship. I’m off,” and he made an elaborate move to depart, “Don't go, Mr. Skitts,” appealed Teresa Evange- line. “ Par, ain’t you ashamed of yourself, after all Mr, Skitts has done for you, to talk to him like that}? Mrs. McGuinness was looking out upon the tandem, It was surrounded by a numerous crowd of Specta- tors, all, needless to say, guying it. She beheved in Mr. Skitts, and took his words for - gospel. ° She, seo, turned on her unfortunate husband, for she thought, poer woman, that the crowd were all admiring their conveyance. *‘Mike!” she uttered, sharply, “ ye betther be still. Hould yez whist; I intind to go to the ferry in that foire up in that way.” of insulted dignity. to use your elegant ex- ee ; ““F- too,” said Teresa Evangeline, “And me!” concerted the twins, I wud notroide in that—whativer it }- to stop him, he rushed franti d already moved out in the stream. McGuinness felt that fate was against him. It gave himalump in the throat to do it, but he apologized to Mr. Skitts, which apology that worthy condescended, after awhile, to accept. They proceeded to the wonderful vehicle tion. The gazers-on set up a lond ‘‘ hurray!”” *Mr. Skitts turned this to his own advantage. “Kick, will you?’? he whimpered to his patron. “See how they applaud!”? Into the Russian tandem piled the McGuinnesses,- Daniel excepted. He had promised to meet them at'the ferry. “Speed her!? grinned Mr, Skitts. The colored coachman woke up, and, with a crack of his whip, started off. Another round of satirical applause greeted Mc- Guinness’ ears, of locomo- rear of the boat. He took it for the gennine article. “Ah, ha, Mrs, McGuinness,” he complacently said, seated on the back seat of the barouche; ‘I wro: Skitts, for he wur roight, afte ell. This is what I call chrayeling tor playsure.”” PART Iv. NEEDLESS to say the Russian tandem created a furore along the street. Peopie did not know what in the world to make of it, and asked one another all sorts of questions. “* What does it mean?’ ““The man must be crazy.” “Orelse it is simply some sort of an advertising scheme for somebody’s soap or bitters.” “Look at the horses!” ** Stag the coon on the box.’” , “But the old Turk himself he is boss.”” “ What are you thinking of? Get onto the old gal.” So they cried, while the twins and Teresa Evange- line came in for cheir full.share of attention, any amount of kisses being thrown at them, and “ah, theres!” wafted upon the breeze by any amount of tramps and dirty- boys. At first McGuinness enjoyed the sensation that he was creati ating. “It isasensathion that we are creathing,”’ he re-| marked. ‘* Hear how the people go woild over us. Hear them applaud. Arrah, but this is the way to thravel, r: aristocratic. None ay yez put-yez- own-fares-in-the Dox business !’? Teresa Evangeline did not coincide in his views. eally along the ferry-bridge after the boat, which ** Hould on!” yelled McGuinness, as he beheld his family - **Stop her, I ain't aboard!” Especially assome admirer nearly knocked her flar- ing hat off with a tomato. Her pimpled brow clouded. 7 * Mar,’? she said to Mrs. McGuinness, who was_be- ginning to have doubts about the genuineness of their triumphal, “‘ stop the wagon.” . “ Why?” queried her mother, ‘lam going to get out.” * What for?” * This is awful.” * What is?’ “ Can’t you see that nasty Skitts man has played a joke on par?” “ How ?? “With his Russian tandem, as he callsit. This is disgraceful. Next thing we will all be arrested as lunatics, Why, we can hardly get along on account of the crowd,”’ i i Thus appealed to by her offspring, Mrs. McGuinness gave her husband a kick. “*Mike,”’ she said, “hit the naygur in the back wid yez cane and tell him to stop.”” “And why?” interrogated McGuinness, who was not feeling, truth Co tell, at all at ease himsel, “We mane to get out.” “For what raysou ?”” At this moment an egg which did not feel very well splashed its contents en McGuinness’ hat. — ; “There is a rayson for ye,” uttered Mrs. McGuin- ness. “‘ Don’t ye see that we are making a howly show out ay ourselves for the benefit av this coterie av loafers around us. Skitts has done it for fun, I su anc if I foind out that he has I will make ead luk as if it had been played wid by a woild- cat.” > McGuinness started, He looked as black as a pirate flag. : - ah 1 thought so,” he cried, “1 wud wring his neck for him.”’ He started to poke the charioteer with his can: but he was spared the trouble. Abruptly the vehicle came to a check. A howl of delight arose from those gathered about the tandem. - c They had cause for mirth. = ros shought they had, which was all the same to em. , Good reason why. Prince had stopped snort. He exhibited every sign of an attack of blind-stag- gers, which pleased the lookers-on greatly. g
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They applauded the animal’s performances. * Bleed him!” _. Give him air!’ “Take his harness off!’? “Throw water on his head!’ “ Stick him with a knife!” — “Shoot him, rather!* McGuinness felt that he had got enough of the cir- cus. With a violent kick he opened the door of the ba- rouche, which door being held on only by a couple of slight hinges, was sent spinning into the street. “ Come after me, all ay yez,”’ he fiercely said. *‘ Oh, ho! but wait till 1 get hould av that dirthy lawyer. Maybe he thought it wur a good joke on us, but he will foind out different. Whin a McGuinness’ proide is in- sulthed he delays at naught. It is kill Skitts off-hand will 1,”’ and the irate speaker descended, followed by his family, amidst the cheers of those surrounding. “Hold on, boss!"’ yelled the sable coachman, with a malicious grin; “‘are youse gwine fo’ to move off?” ** Vis,” growled McGuinness, ** But hold on, I tole youse.’’ *©What for?"? “Dis y hoss am sick.” “*T wish he wur dead.” “ He's got de staggers.” **T don’t care if he’s got a sun-sthroke too.” “He ain’t fit to trabble, and what am I gwine fo’ to do widde tandem?” _ McGuinness, to his credit, let it be said, was nota profane man. That vice was lacking in his composition. There are occasions, though, that turn saints into porary sinners. McGuinness felt that this was one of them. With something like an oath—and the chances are that it was—he mag, E dollar to the coon. “ Droive it offav the dock for all that I care,’’ re- ded McGuinness, as he hurriedly departed with home-circle, followed by jeers. He walked so swiftly that his family could not keep ; ra, MoGut ting! led : cGuinness pantingly called out: ** Moikel’? v “What? came the response. “* Stop—we ain’t on wheels.” McGuinness knitted his brows. “For two cints wud I lave ye crows to yez fate, and niver lessen me cyclone-loike speed until I make a corpse out ay Skitts. The oidea av his daring to ex- eee ea and yezselves yesoides—not to spake av me hat, which is ruint en- toirely on account av the collision it incurred wid the vevertheles, he cessated his speed and they gained side. 5 Mr. Skitts would not have felt much flattered if he could have overbeard the comments made on his con- ict. : et called apis seth the names igised think ee exhausting yocabulary of epithets, an Sentinel off a little, . But not much. ver slightly. And while in this mood. whom should they meet com- ing around a corner but Ruby Porker, uire, who, it will be remembered, was the pettifogger and schemer in the same law office of which Mr. Skitts Was an exotic, and who had been described by Mr. Skitts at various times as nothing less than a fiend incarnate. - * Have nothing to do with the adder,” was usually the conclu part of his remarks. However, when Ruby Porker was encountered he did not look much like an adder. Or, if he did, the species of adder which he resembled must have been a harmless one. He had struck luck some way or another, and he was a deal better dressed than when we intro- duced him fo our readers in our first chapter. Broadcloth clothed him, his cranium was sur- mounted by a glossy silk tile, his shoes, overgaitered, ‘were a marvel in the way ofa shine, and he escorteda gold-headed cane. He was smoking a fragrant cigar, and a red rose ex- haled its fragrance in the lapel of the close-ftting Priuce Albert coat. e His heart jolted joyfaliy. Here was his golden opportunity. He it, for this was the frst time that he bad seen them without Mr. Skitts being in their wake. “Mr, McGuinness [ he exclaimed, as he lifted his hat with a grace which was truly Chesterfieldian, ** delighted lam, sure, almost paralyzed with joy, to behold you. This ig,indeed a rare. rich pleasure, He broke om . . aes : He noticed that the MeGainnesses did not have the appearance of deing perfectly happy. “Youseem pertu “he continued. ‘There is gloom visible amongst.you.. Something must have y Occurred, surely, to disturb the serenity of your tem- perament. Excuse my curiosity.” MoGuinness..was. r enough to disregard Mr. Skitta’ injunction rélative to, having anything to do with the gentemanswhom he. now had met. so tds, more. Pypesturted, 5 ye calls it, that I am,” he answered, with gritted teeth. ‘It is boiling over wid wratham LL” - * You have been. put, Out?’ said Ruby Porker, in. his sweetest tone. : “TI have, indade. Wait till I catch him.’’ “Who?” - i. ; : + The.seoundhrel who has made a monkey out av Ruby Porker was all attention. ” ; MIKE McGUINNESS. Skitts was absent from the group. Possibly there might/have been a falling out. If so, now was ‘his chance to take advantage of events, * May Linquire,” he queried, “if it is not taking too much ofa liberty, what might the name of the Scoundrel you allude to be?” “ Ye know him,” growled McGuinness. “T dor’ “Yis; ye saw him wid mé,” “T did?” * Where?! “ At me house. Ye wur both together.’? If Ruby Porker’s heart had jolted for joy before, it now threatened to jolt worse than ever. His suspicion was right. Fr Brie and the McGuinnesses must be at daggers’- points. aoa from his face you could not judge of his inward on. ‘* Skitts, bad cess to him,” rejoined McGuinness. Ruby Porker looked solemn. Solemn, almost, as 2 marble monument when view- ed in the snowy moonlight of a winter’s night. “ Skitts?"’ he repeated indifferently. . “ That is the rapparee.”? Ruby Porker conghed. An embarrassed cough, as if he did not care to dis- cuss the topic further. ** You must excuse me, Mr. McGuinness,” he said, “ but I haye no desire to talk about Skitts.” “ Why ?”? ask cGuinness. “To say the least, we are not friends.” At this xepty McGuinness’ face showed a breaking of the clouds upon it. In his present mood he was willing to walk hand in glove with any one in order to get square on Skitts. * Are ye enetnies 7” he rly asked, Ruby Porker conside it best for his nolicy to avoid answering for a few seconds. Then he seemed to have made up his mind to con- fide in McGuinness. ~ “ Mr. McGuinness,”? he observed in trusty accents, ** youare a man of honor?” ‘eGuinness drew himself proudly up. “Unnecessary to ask the questhion,’’ he said,‘ and Ican lick any man undher ‘me soize who dares to doubt me EEE - As if assured that the speaker was a man of honor, Ruby Porker went on: : oy + I reveal to you now you must never un: breast yourself to any one.” ‘ 4 The first thing he knew he heard a rattle of chains. The ferry-boat must be going off. | Eluding a gate-man, who tried to stop him. he rushed ntically along the ferry-bridge after the boat, which had already moved out in the stream. “Hould onl? yelled McGuinness, as he beheld his family in the rear of the boat. “Stop ber, I ain’t aboard !"? “Jump !’ cried some joker. PART V. McGuInnEss tnight just as well have tried to jump across the river as to accomplish the jump from the ferry-bridge to the boat, which was fully ten feet out in the stream. He heard the cry of “jump !’’ though, and with his usual great head sompen. The attempt to rejoin his family proved an igno- tainious failure. He went up into the air like a sort of Irish eagle for a little distance, and then his momentum ceasing, xaos down into the water like a shot. Needless to say that all was excitement on both land and water. . The cry of “Man overboard!’ rang out from a hundred throats. The crowd on the ferry-boat were filled with fear as ees beheld McGuinness disappear beneath the bil- lows. The shouts of the men and the screams of the women made a sort of penny pandemonium. McGuinness was not fated to be drowned that trip. In a few seconds—which seemed almost like hours to those who were gazing on with bated breat came to the surface, es Ruby Porker, who never lost his head under any circumstances, had been waiting the reappearance of his master, had secured a life-preserver. Just as soon as he beheld McGuinness bob up he flungit. it seemed as if all of the rest of the male passen- gers had grabbed life-preservers. They flung theirs, too. Life-preservers came down on McGuinness in a a fect hail, and one of them hitting him, knocked out of sight again beneath the briny. Mrs. McGuinness, who was trembling with fear, had beheld Ruby Porker sling his missile of help. Instantly she concluded that it was his life-preserver which had forced her husband to make the invol- untary trip toward the bottom of the river. She forgot her fear in her indignation. She sprang forward like a tigress. She caught him by the collar. ‘ *Murdherer!” she shrieked, “I saw ye. Ye did it ead with that littie’sort av a matthrass so that me poor man woud get drownded, and them ye could steal all:ay our money.”’ : * 3 The Jawyer did not answer. « He couldn't. ‘ eS: If Mrs. McGuinness would have kept her grip on his throat he would have beén Strangied in short order.
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MIKE McGUINNESS. But she kept her eyes upon the spot where the water had closed over her husband. Her clutch upon the legal gentleman was relaxed as suddenly as it had been bestowed. **Saved!’’ she cried, as she debeld the bold McGuin- ness show up above the waves. True enough, the object of her remarks was visible. And it was evident, from the vigorous way in which he grabbed the nearest life-preserver, that he did not intend to become food for the fishes just yet, not of his own accord. ; He showed himself something of a hog. Oae life-preserver would not do him. Somehow he managed to connect himself with three, andas he got two of them tangled about his feet, he might have been drowned were it not that other succor was at hand, ** Roll him over a barrel.” “Stand him on his head.’? “Pound his stomach.” “ Beat his back.” So they cried as they clustered about McGuinness. Of all the proposed remedies for his resuscitation, that of rolling him over a barrel seemed to catch the popular vote. Two or three men came down the ferry-bridge with barrels, procured where or how we aresure we cannot tell The first barrel-engineer to arrive at McGuinness’ prostrate and dripping form grabbed the gentleman who was traveling for pleasure (?) and at once pro- ceeded to roll him over his barrel. He did not lack for aid. Volunteers were numerous. I H al es ) i Tt | | | ay i Vi way, and he will lend you a suit of clothes while yours are a-dryin’.”” The proposal was eagerly accepted, aud McGutnness invited all hands to have a drink at his expense, whick was accepted with alacrity, The saloon was soon found. Also the friendly barkeeper, who professea nimselt only too willing to loan his garments. “Only,” he said; with a grin, “you must not kick ifthey don’t fit you,’ for the barkeeper was a tall, lanky individual. “ Anything will do. for I want to get theae wet clothes off ay me as soon as I can, for it isa howly horror 1 have av catching cowld, for consampthion runs in our family. Me sisther-in-law wur always coughing, and she wud widout doubt have died av it, The attempt to rejoin his family proved an ignominious failure. He went up into the air like a sort of Irish spread- eagle for a little distance, and then his momentum ceasing, went down into the water like a shot. The oS Rea threw him a line. ** Catch hold, for your life !” bawled his rescuer. The line was flung truly. It landed on McGuinness’ chest, and he grabbed it, discarding the first life-preserver, for he did not need that one. The other two and the line ought to get him ashore somehow. His clench upon that line could almost be called a dying man’s grip. ; Willing hands, meanwhile, had assisted the line- throwez. McGuinness was yanked to the ferry-bridge, and he presented a most comical sight as he cleaved through the foam incited by his rapid passage, for the men at the other end of the line were men of biceps and inspired with a laudable desire to save a fellow being’s life. Indeed, they brought him upin their well meant zeal with such a foree against a pile thatit wasa wonder his skull was not crushed. It would have been, probably, if it was an ordinary skull, but his was constructed something like a cobble- stone. As it was he was only simply dazed a little. The next minute he was pulled up by a couple of boat-hooks wielded by two enthusiastic saviors, and he was 2 sight to see as they pulled him up out of the water, for each man, as generally is the case, pulled different ways, and McGuinness stood a fair chance of being split in twain. They dumped him upon the ferry-bridge. There was a babel in a twinkle. “Give him air,” . McGuinness’ clothes were almost torn off of him by the snergeHe efforts of the self-constituted life-saving service. They lifted him upon the barrel, and were about to roll him, when he found his tongue. **Rad cess to 3ez sowls, yez spalpeens!”’ he shouted, as they held him partially suspended in the air. “What do ye mane?” _ It was almost like a voice from the grave, for their intent was perfectly sincere. They thought that he was unconscious. At the sound of kis voice one and all, aghast at his reproach, dropped him as if actuated by a simultane- ous impulse, He struck on the barrel, which was dangerously near the ferry-bridge, and the barrel began to speed toward the river. It is not unlikely that he might have been thrown off into the waves again had it not been that one of me men with the boat-hooks had not yet relinquished is. He made a lunge at McGuinness. His attempt was successful. The hook caught in the widest portion of McGuin- ness’ nether garment, and the other, who was a big, Hercnlean fellow, held him suspended in the air, while the barrel made its exit into the current. ~Assured that he had captured McGuinness, he let him drop with a thud upon the planks, and then kindly picked him up and stood him on his feet. McGuinness felt duly thankful to his rescuers, and asked them where he could get a change of clothing. The man with the boat-hook made answer: “* My brotlier’s a barkeeper in the s’loon ’cross the had it not been that she met herind undher the wheels av a coal-cart.”” The barkeeper laughed and took McGuinness into the “private office,” where his saturated garments were exchanged for the barkeeper’s raiment, The result was so ludicrous that the barkeeper and his brother could not help laughing. They were perfectly justified in so doing. McGuinness did look comie¢al in his new duds. His pants reached nearly up to his chin, and his coat-tails flapped about his heels. The barkeeper did not have an extra pair of shoes, so he lent McGuinness his slippers, which were about a mile too big for him. Now he was all rigged out, with the exception of a hat, his own being by this time on its way to Eu- rope. This want was supplied soon. The rummaging ofa closet disclosed a high white hat, with a black band around it, which looked as if © it had been in one or two riots and gone on several target exccrsions. The barkeeper straightened it out as well as he could, saying apologetically as he clapped it upon Mc- Guinness’ head: = It ain’t a dandy, but it will keep you from taking cold.” He then deposited McGuinness in an easy-chairand wheeled a table up to him. “I'l bring in something hot, and soon ycu will be all right,’” he said. He was better than his word, for besides the “something hot”’ he also brought a cigar. “Just you sit there and take things easy,’’ he ad-
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‘MIKE McGUINNESS. > monished, “until you get yourclothes dry. If you want anything—why, just holler.” MeGuinness felt deeply touched at the kindness of he two brothers. Mortified also-was he, He had possessed, as we said before, but a couple of ‘iollars when he fell in the river,and when he was pulled out even that was gone. ~* Byes,” he said, with something like a blush, “I ‘am sorry that I am dead bhroke at presint, or I wud vraycompense ye well for yez hospitality.” “whe two brothers Jooked insulted. > “Look here, mister,” said the barkeeper, speaking for the two, **we ain’t them kind ofducks, What we've <ione for you we would have done even if you hadn’t been ablaze with diamonds.” *-Then I can only thank yez,”’ replied McGuinness. (En passant, he did a good deal more. Soon after- ward he made each of them a handsome present, nor did he forget to reward the man who had thrown him the line.) Despite the “something hot,” the easy-chair, and his cigar, his thoughts were not at all cheerful. He was in a nice fix. There he was anchored in a West street saloon, not a penny in his pocket, and worried about his family, for he had learned that the pilot of the ferry-boat, af ter seeing that he had been rescued, fad continued his way to the Jersey shore. *Itisa noice box I am in,” he soliloquized. “I will have to spout me clock, shure.” He was spared the necessity, however. Meantime, Mr. Skicts was impatiently waiting at the Courtlandt Street Ferry, in cempany with Daniel and the servants. A half hour passed—plenty of time in which to make McGuinness’ trip. When an hour elapsed he fumed. He strode up and down the fioor, biting flercely at his < teens his indignation at their non-appearance, Mr. Skitts could not help blaming himself. “ Serves me t,”? he muttered. “I had no busi- ness to do any fanny business. 1 wonder what has become of that infernal tandem, anyway ?’’ The last syllable was scarcely muttered before a fellow-shyster of Mr. Skitts’ came along. He stopped as he beheld Byron. He appeared surprised. “Hello, Skittsy, my son,” he saluted; ‘‘ what are you doing here?’ re forthe McGuinnesses.”” — other appeared more surprised than ever. “If that is the case,’ he said, with eyes wide open, Be will have to wait a good while.’ oe will b aad “ Yes.”" “Why?? “The last I saw of that lamb of yours he was being fished out of the North river.” * Nonsense!’ “Fact.” «Bat how did he get in the river?” «* Jumped off of a ferry-boat.”” ** What was he doing on the ferry-boat?”’ “ How can you expect me to know ?” “True. What ferry was it?’? ** Desbrosses street.” A vague suspicion came into Mr, Skitts’ head. “ Was he alone?” he eagerly asked. “No.” ““Who was with him?” “ His family—and, come to think of it, Porker—you know Ruby Porker, you must know Ruby—was along with the family.”” “Where were they, in the river, too?’ savagely asked Mr, Skitts, gritting his teeth. “No, on the ferry-boat. You need not worry about them. The ferry-boat did not turn back to behold what came of him.” The words were ike doggers to Boy Ruby Porker in the possession o: prey He felt like tearing his hair, and berated himself soundly for ever haying allowed them out of his cus- tody for a moment. He gnawed at his finger-nails ashe mused what was best to do. Gradually his face cleared. Mis informant had told him that only Porker and the female McGuinnesses were on the ferry-boat. “, fwch McGuinness must be on shore in New or Mr. Skitts felt a geod Weal relieved. “ Porker, confound him 1’ he said, “‘can run away with the old woman and the kids for all that I care. All that I want is McGuinness himself.” Mr. Skitts was a good reasoner. Shrewdly he med that he would find McGuin- ness sumewhere or another waiting for his clothes to dry, and, knowing that gentleman’s habits, where would be the first place to look for him? It was a question easily answered. In the nearest saloon, naturally. “Come, Danny,” he said to the young heir of the McGuinnesses. “ get a move on you, and we will set out to find your father.’ They hired a cab outside of the ferry-house, and Mr. Skitts drove at once to Desbrosses street. Alighting from the cab, the two entered a saloon. Mr. Skitts was in Inck. Saloons im the vicinity of the rerry are almost as thick as hops, but Fate willed that the first one they entered chanced to be che one in which McGuinness was ensco Walking up to the bar, he looked around. No McGuinness in view. - He ordered a couple of sodas, and then accosted the bvarkeeper. “ Been any accicent around here?” he queried. "he barkeeper smiled. ** A little one,”’ he said. ** Old gent thought he had “Think of your wife and offspring in the power of that monster with no kelp at hand,” He spoke so impressively that McGuinness grew wings on his feet, and tried tu jump aboard ‘a ferry- | alarmed, boat which was ’way across to Jersey almost, and he tumbled into the swim. He got fished out, though, and he’s all right now. He’s in the private office re- cuperating.”” As these words fell npon Mr. Skitts’ ears he could have hugged that barkeeper. What unexpected good fortune! McGuinness right under his thumb! “I suppose,” he said to the barkeeper, “ we might take a squint at the victim. I might know him.” The man in the white jacket nodded. *Do so,” he replied. “You might cheer him up. He looks as if he needed it,” Briskly Mr. Skitts walked to the private office. It was shut. He rapped on the door. There was sileuce for a minute.” Then a melancholy voice uttered: * Come in.” Mr. Skitts and Danny entered. There scat McGuinness in his arm-chair, arrayed in his wonderful clothes, his head buried in his hands, and his hat pushed back from his forehead. The sigh was so dismally funny that it was as much as Mr. Skitts could do to control his risibles. Danny did not attempt such a facial feat. He gave vent to a regular horse-laugh. “Oh, what a looking sausage!’ he roared. “You ought to get stuffed.” Elevating himself to his full height, Mr. Skitts struck an attitude, and in tones akin to 3 judge sentencing a criminal to death, he pointed his magnetic finger at McGuinness and interrogated: “Michael McGuinness, ingrate that you are, dare you look me in the face ?”” PART VI. a Sotaete of Mr, Skitts’ voice McGuinness col- utterly. ie became a sort of helpless heap in the Sow Ge for he would have just as lieve Ng eithane beholding the ghost of his grandmother as the dot Sak In fact, he was struck dumb, and silence reigned for a few moments, until Danny broke out again: “Oh, dad, if you ain’t a darling! Just lemme go round to the photograph-gallery and have a feller come and nail your Hage ioe Where did he get that ice-cream diger? You ought to harpoon it.”’ “That will do, Daniel,” sternly admonished Mr. kitts, ‘ Don’t render the poor wretch more misera- ble by scoffing at him.” Daniel subsided. Fora little while longer Mr. Skitts stood like a statue, the more to itapress McGuinness, McGuinness was imp! F He could howl about the artful pettifogger when that worthy was away, but when it came to meeting him face to face it was altogether different. He felt himself possessed of about as much courage as a white monse, and jammed his prize chapeau over his eyes in a reckless way. Seeing his object accomplished, Mr. Skitts spoke for the second time. “This is gratitnde,”’ he ironically uttered—‘ this is how Iam requited for trying to moke a silk purse out of a hog’s ear. What have you tosay for yourself?— what possible apology to offer for not meeting me at the ferry as promised? Come, sirrah, speak up!” Mr. Skitts spoke so fiercely as he concluded that McGuinness was afraid he was goiug to be hit, and whined out: “Lave me alone!’ Mr. Skitts’ air was one of the scornfullest as he made answer. “Poor fool—deluded Celt.’? he said, “do not fear that I would so far forget myself as a gentleman to offer you persona! vivience, althongh it would serve in right, seeing the provocation I have received, if should break your back for you!” McGuinness was fearful that the speaker might for- get that he tras a gentleman, and change his mind in ee to the back-breaking, So he faltered forth: + tts ? “What is it’? queried Mr. Skitts, in tones of thun- der. * It’s all yez fault.” “ What is?’ “Us being here and the ould woman and the kids across the river.’’ “Are your wife and other side of the river?’ McGuinness quailed at the eagle glance with which the question was accompanied, *No-o,”? he stammered. “You had company ?”” “Yes? “Who? “ Porker,” faintly articulated McGuinness. The lawyer gave a theatrical start, a trick of which he was very fon4. : “Great heavens!” he cried, as he clawed with one hand at the air, ** your treachery becomes more vile. Did not I warn you against that legal freebooter?’’ “Yis. What ails Porker?—he seems to me to be a very pleasant-spoken man.” : “ Likewise was the serpentin the Garder of Eden. Out of common hamanity’s sake, Iam _ thankful that you have escaped his clutches; for woe to an’ one. who m. your children alone upon the falls into his clutches, My heart aches for ‘“ yon ad should ache, too.” our “Why? He woke up a little. He sat bolt upright in his chair, “Why should me heart ache for them?” asked Mc- Guinness. * On account of Porker. You have no idea of how his whole being is steeped in crime. They are alone with him, poor creatures ?”’ “ Yis, if he ain’t jumped overboard afther me.” “No danger. Do you know what he will do with them 9? —— “What ?? 5 “He won’t waste time bothering about you.” “Thin what will he do?” “ Mrs. McGuinness and the ladies have on their dia- monds, have they not??? “ Yis.’” “Your wife has money with her?” “She carries a boodle.”” “I tremble for them, for in my mind’s eye I can see just what he will do with them,” * Ye do?’ o 1 do,.”* “Don’t Kape me in suspense.” ““In the first place he will hire a carriage on the uorney side.” . “Shure, he don’t mane to take thim to Philadelphia in a hack, does he?’ “No, But ke will plausibly tell them a yarn about the necessity of their repairing to a neighboring hotel, thbre to wait while he pore after you and brings you baek. The carriage will be driven by an accomplice of his, for he is a member of one of the most crimi- nal,bands in America.” ““Ye don’t say so !? “On my word. But list!’ “T am.?? “Nor? “*He will not drive them to any hotel.” “No. He will put them in the vehicle, tell rhe driver, as a blind, to drive to some fictitious hotel. The driver wili say ‘ All right,’ and Porker, lifting his Lr bid them adieu: He will climb upon the box with the other assassin.”” McGuinness’ hair stood on end at the mention of the word assassin, He repeated it. “ What assassin do ye mane?’ he asked. eon driver of the coach,’ solemmly assured Mr. «When opportunity lends, “Instosd of roceeding “ When opportu: en ns! ts) pas acive toa dock.” * *A doc “Ay!!? “ Will the hotel be on the dock ?”” “No. He will drive them to some lonély, unfre- quented dock which the foot of the watchman never touches. Then he and his abtteor in villainy will de- scend from the box and knock your dear ones all senseless with a piece of lead pipe. Porker alwa uses a piece of lead pipe in jobs of such a nature. prefers it to a sand-club, aving stunned them, he will despoil them of their sates and money. stri them of their apparel, and he and his accomplice hurl them into the rapidly-running current, which will bear them out to sea, where all traces of bis crime will be lost.” It was a gigantic stir. mat gt Skitts was just the one to get it off. ‘00 McGuinness gulped it down for gospel truth. ‘The murdherer!’? he said, with an ashen face. ““Whirra, whirra! but what will I de?” Mr. Skitts appeared to reflect. “A magnanimous man forgives an insult when the insult is caused more by ignorance thanintention. . My nature 1s magnanimous, and I will forgive you, Mac, but mind, it is the last time.” “Ttis deeply thankful I am to.ye,”’ humbly expressed McGuinness, ** but what steps can we take to save me family? Ugh, think av Mrs. McGuinness floating to- _ ward Europe in company wid Teresa Evangeline and ipo It almos' droives me woild to think ay “There may be one way of rescuing them.” “Thank heavens! “Don’t thank heavens yet. It is only a chance.’ “Chance it ne all means.’* *Porker will doubtless drive around for quite a while before he steers for the'dock. Your clothes are ba — mk rin ¥ wear thim if they wur soppin so am I to have my worst fears realized. ca ete “Then putthem on and we'll cross the ferry at once.” . Although not quite dry, the clothes were fit to wear, and could not be noticed as being much out of the way. He donned them, and baying a new hatata West ; street store, he was ready to depart. A few minutes later found them upon the boat. Mr. Skitts was tranquil. He was something cfa clairvoyant, because he an- ticipated just what Porker would do. * “He will leave the women in the waiting-room at Jersey City, and then skip over here in search of Mac,” he soliloquized. His soliloquy was true. Yhat was just what Ruby Porker did do, To return to him and the female McGuinnesses. “He's saved! he’s saved!’ hysterically exclaimed Mrs. McGuinn clingin to the rail. . “ Of course he is,” said Ruby Porker. “ there heis now dancipgup and down u i the ferry-tekdge,” “Let me fy to him at once,’’
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+ Se “Coutrol yourself, my dear madam. There is no necessity of you crossing the river.” “ But I want to be at his side.” * { will bring him to your side.” * At wanst?’? - *Atonce. Here we are in the slip.” Sare enough, the boat had arrived at the other side, and Ruby Porker, telling his companions to follow him. led the way from the craft. He steered them into the waiting-room and sat them down. * You just set here and I will bring Mr. McGuinness here by the next boat,’’ he said, as he lifted his hat and turned ro depart. But ne did not depart. The air of the waiting-room was very close and op- pressive. MIKE McGUINNESS. “T’m—I'm so sick—I'm——” she began. “That’ll do,”? admonished Porker; ** the first thing you know those precious sisters of yours will be flop- ping over. Your mother is all right; see, she 1s com- ingearound already.”’ He spoke the truth. Three or four bottles of ammonia poked under her nose by good Samaritans quickly brought her to. Therefore, Teresa Evangeline decided to postpone taking leave of her senses, and proceeded to inform her sisters, who were shrieking frantically, that their mother was in no immediate danger of becoming a corpse. Mrs. McGuinness slowly opened her eyes. ** Where am 1?’? she asked. “*Safe,’? panted her supporter, whose spinal col- umn was almost broken from the weight of her fairy- like form. ‘‘Can’t you please try, madam, to exert *‘Tet go their heads!” he ordered of the boys who held the horses’ heads. Mrs, McGuinness would not have it. She closed her eyes again. “IT wish ye wud remain,” she whispered. “Don’t lave me ull unprotected.” This piteous appeal touched the hearts of the femi- nine part of the group. : They glared at Ruby Porker as if he were a mon- ster. + Well, I never !”’ “Shame r°’ * Brute P? ** Just like a man}? ** Heartless !?? . “ He ought to be hung!” “She might die the next minute !”’ Such were some of their ejaculations. That settled it. Ruby Porker saw that he was in for it. **Get up!” The boys obeyed, and the horses, freed, started off at a lively gait. Oh, it was a sight to see the bold McGuinnasses going clattering down the street, the pictures of agony. And Mrs. McGuinness had really experienced a fevere shock to her neryous system. j These two causes probably account for what fol- owed. Suddenly Mrs. McGuinness tottered from her seat and reeled across the floorto Porker with staring eyes and outstretched arms. “ Catch me!” she gasped, “I’m going to faint!” With that she toppled over in a swoon. Ruby Porker barely managed to catch her. She was a large woman, and it was as much as he co do to brace her up as he staggered back with er, = “ Confound it,”” he muttered, “here is a pretty ket- tle of ish! The Lord knows when I will get over to New York.” Aloud he called for help. Bin some of you here help me bring this lady The scene occasioned the greatest excitement in the waiting-room. Some excitable individual called out: * The lady’s dropped dead 1’? Teresa Evangeline heard the words, She arose from her seat, feeling sure that she, too, was going to lose her senses, A cold sweat stood out on Ruby Porker’s brow. “Great Jupiter !’* he groaned, “ one fainting woman is coon h, without two. Young woman, don’t you to faint. tbh ae Evangeline heard him just in the nick of ie. : : She paused. mn pourmelt & little and get on your feet? I ain’t cast- ron.” Mrs. McGuinness managed to regain her feet, and Mr. Skitts led her to a seat. He deposited her there and fanned her a couple of times with his hat. ** Now you are as right as ever yon were,’’ he said, “and I'll be off.” Again was he disappointed in leaving. Mrs. McGuinness was surrounded by sympathizers, and she rather enjoyed being the center of interest, a quasé heroine, as it were, for the news had circulated around amongst those present that she had had a nar- rowing escape from becoming a widow. Expressions of condolence were heard in abun- dance, and the air was filled with “poor souls” and “poor dears.”? - “ Mr. Porker,"? she murmured, in a feeble tone, “I cannot spare you just yet.” At this intimation Ruby Porker felt like digging his nails in his flesh. His every fiber was itching to make as much s as possible to recover possession of McGuinness, for he was fearful of Mr. Skitts, as well he might be. He hissed something that did not sound much like sacred wrk. _ ““Hang it—Just my Juck!” he mentally said. “Every moment is precious, aud here I am at the caprice ofa female crank who has got & constitution like an ox.” He hesitated whether to leave or stay. He tried to force a smile, a most ghastly effort. *T guess it is a good deal imagination, madam,” he remarked. “You will be yourself-quite again in a short time.” He tried to look the picture of solieitude as he bent over Mrs. McGuinness, while if he could he would have choked her. ** Most certainly I will,”? he said, adding te himself, “‘ What in thunder the iaiot wants me to do for her I don’t know. Hang women!” Mrs. McGuinness soon let him know what she want- ed him to do for her. D “T fale wake and exhausted,” said she; ‘‘is there not a hotel near by ?”? “ Taylor's.” : “Conduct me there and procure me 4 little refresh- ment.” tom mandate made him feel like gnashing his teeth. He ventured to remonstrate. “* Aren't you awiully anxious about your husband, Mrs. McGuinness?” he put out, as a feeler. She did not appear to be. Or, if she was anxious secretly, her reply did not evince the fact. * Faix, I guess as long as Mike is ont av the wather he can take care ay himsilf on dhry land,” she said. There was no alternative. The lawyer had to grin and bear it. Feeling as if it would do him good to be the receiver of a sound drubbing, he headed the procession to Taylor's hotel. 3 There he hired a private parlor, into which Mrs. cGuinness ordered refreshments served. = en they came up Ruby Porker, as he beheld the family sail into the provender, thought that now or never he must make @ last desperate effort te fee.
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i2 MIKE McGUINNESS. “Now you are comfortable,” he stated, ‘I will bid you adieu.”’ No use. He was not going to get away io a hurry, for Mrs. McGuinness insisted on his sitting down and partak- ing of some of the viands, vainly ke protested that he was nct Dangry. “Ah, fil? rebuked she. “*Niver refuse a lady; it ain’t ettyket.” Looking as cheerful as Banquo’s glost, he sank into a chair. Fate was against him indubitably, and he suffered himself to be helped without farther remonstrance to & piece of apple-pie and a glass of cider. Out of courtesy he had to eat some of the pie. It was hotel ple, and it nearly choked him. The cider was sour, and made him qualmish. Such a wretched foity-five minutes he had never before experienced at a meal. - But at the lapse of that time his hostess graciously permitted him to exit. «** Bhring Mike back all safe and sound,” she said in farewell, ‘and tell him to buy me a basket av flower- ets. Iwant to go with eclatter to Philadelphia, see- ing I niver war there before.’’ * Eclau, mar.”’ corrected Teresa Evangeline. “Ye moind yez own business!’ sharply reproved her mother. -**I guess I know how to talk French as well as yesilf. Good-noight, Mr. Porker !’’ * Good- tp’ Their departed guest was so mad when he reached the street that he almost felt tempted to chuck himself down a culvert. “ ‘The odds are that Skitts has got hold. of McGuin- ness, and, ifso, no one knows what lies the infernal scoundrel will tell about me,” he ferociously said, Perea ing in posite di ti tained erry: ts, £0! ° rections, con oe one himself, and on other Mr. Skitts and Mc- nness. Mr. Skitts went to the waiting-room of the depot. . He found out what had transpired. ° Off he started for the hotel. His mind was at ease. “You bet that Porker has damped them there and then few away like a bird. Come along,’ he com- manded. : He was at the hotel in a jiffy, and finding out where the objects of his search were, went to the private parlor at once. = Needless to say that the McGuinnesses were sur- prised at the advent of the new-comers—at Mr. Skitts especially. Mike, darlint,”’ shrieked Mrs. McGuinness, as she rashed toward him, “ come to me arums!” McGuinness waved her away. “itis too damp am I as yet to hug.” he said. “ Wait till I dnry off. Don’t ye ald our friend Mr. Skitts ? Why don’t ye spake to him?” Mrs. McGuinness’ eyes flashed fire. “Spake to that villain!’ shej shouted, *‘ afther his making the laughing-stock av the city av us wid the Russian tandhem, as ye call it? If I wur nota leddy Heo and bred I wud scratch the eyes out av his ugly She spoke so vindictively that Mr. Skitts considered it wise to intercept a chair between himself and her. “That will do, Ellen,’’ said McGuinness; “ Mr. Skitts is our best friend.” “ What Mr. Porker says——” - “ Porker isan nD. n.”? Then he related what had been told him relative to Ruby Porker by Mr. Skitts. Mrs. McGuinness swallowed the fiction. She paled as she thought of her imaginary escape from death. “And yet Mr. Porker don’t luk loike that sort av a man.” she said. “What the judge said precisely when he gave him six months for knocking down a :ittle boy who was foing on an errand and taking the pennies out of his nd,”? observed Mr. Skitts. /“ But ain’t going to Philadelphia. We have just time now to get the next express-train.” They hurried up, and a few hours found them in the uaker city at the Continental Hotel, best rooms in the house, for there were no flies on our travelers. That night they retired early, and in the morning were ready for amusement. “ How would you likea horseback ride before break- fast?’ asked Mr. Skitts, simply in joke. ~* It’s all the le. English, you know.’* 'o his surprise, they took the jest in earnest. “It is a foine morning,”? McGuinness avowed, “‘and I don’t moind if we do take a saddle-jaunt. Shure, when I drove an ash-cart I always rode the horse home, and I wur vonsidered quoite an equesthrian.” Mr. Skitts hid his surprise admirably. * Can the ladies ride?” interrogated he. Certainly they couid, for did you ever see a woman yet who did not think she could do anything? He took them to a livery-stable where he was ac- quainted (it seemed as if he was acquainted every- where) and procured saddle-horses. __ With his asual leaning toward a practical joke, he dictated what horses each should ride. He mounted McGuinness, who was a regular sawed- off, on the back!of an animal about ten feet high, while he placed Mrs. McGuinness end her avoirdupois upon a beast not much larger than 8 polo-pony. any odin Evangeline he gallantly gave a pretty ir palfrey. On the poor twips he had no mercy, He stuck them up in the air on a couple of equine scarecrows. - “Let their beads!’ he ordered of the boys who held the horses’ heads. “Get up!’ The boys obeyed, and the horses, freed, started off ata lively gait. Oh, it was a sight to see the bold McGuinnesses going clattering down the street, the pictures of agony. ** Begorral’’ wailed McGuinness, as he bouncedrup and down in his saddle, this may be thraveling for playsure, but I have me doubts.” : PART VIL. TRULY it was a grand sight to behold the McGuin- nesses On horseback, for the way they rode denoted very little previous familiarity with that noble animal the horse. When McGuinness’ hag started off at a rapid rate all of the rest of the equines followed his example. Bumpety-bump! Bumpety-bump! Bumpety-bump! McGuinness arose and fell in the air, and it seemed to him that the saddie must surely have been stuffed with cobble-stones by the way it pained him every =e re he cane sown : —- “ Faix, a le 0 goes a long ways,’’ he groaned; * roiding no doubt is very exhilarathing, but afther this when I roide I will take a coach and not thry to commit suicide on top av a giraffe wid a spoine formed av bed-rock.”’ His family were enjoying themselves likewise. Especially the poor twins, to whom it seemed that they were about ona line with the second-story win- dows of the houses of the street through which they were passing. Eliza was the first to.drop her reins and cling in affright to her horse’s neck—an example soon follow- éd by her sister, the fair Marguerite. There was no actual d r to them, however, for the animals which they were riding could pa fast enough to haye thrown them eff if they had them bareback. : Nevertheless, they were scared nearly to death. The: rough that every second would be their last, and shut their eyes as they clung desperately on. Mrs..McGuinness could not complain of any danger oc being run away with. . Gon ttle mare which bore her was not equal to the Her progress was confined to a jog and a limp. Kee ne was that Mrs, McGuinness was soon left nd. “Why don’t you come along, mar?” Teresa Evan- geline demanded, as she passed her mother. Teresa Evangeline was satisfied. She ought to have been. She had the only decent mount of the whole lot, for Mr. Skitts had provided her with, @ regular lady’s palfrey. It might be that the astute lawyer might have con- templated Miss McGuinness as, a possible matrimonial alliance. Mrs. McGuinness scowled. She lashea her mare savagely, an act the only re- suit of which was to make the dwarf-wonder go Howe than everand put on a fancy touch to her mp. “How can I come along, ye giddy fly-away,’’ she irately = “when I moight just as well be roiding av a goat Incensed at her slow journeying, she whaled the beast afresh. The mare, ike all little equines, was spunky. She considered that the chastisement she was re- ceiving—for she was trying honestly to get along as fast as possible—unvalled for, and she smarted under the injastice. : Suddenly,she pricked her ears up. She stood stock still. With a frantic snort ske began kicking her hind feet in the air, with the intention of getting rid of her lovely Lurden, Mrs. McGuinness, taken by surprise by the move on the part of the animal, was as yet not ready to be flung off. For if ever a woman possessed determination it was herself, Crack! Crack ! Crack! Her whip descended on the mare’s flanks with a vengeance. The mare retorted, She kicked higher and more fiercely than before. By this time Mrs. McGuinness was farin the rear, isolated trom the others. It was but natural that the struggle between her and the mare should attract the attention of the pass- ing pedestrians and vehicles. Grinning, they halted and made yarious facetious remarks : , “ Hit him again, old gal !” “Use your spurs.” “ Stab her wid dat dizzy scent-bottle,”” “ Give her a smell of the bouquet.’’ “ Whoa, Emma!” “ Stick a pin in her.”’ “Send for Bergh. It is cruelty to animals!’ = OF coor itis. She ought to walk and carry the mare Needless to mention, these remarks, which were hurled at her purely out of symyathy for her ica- ment, of course, did not serve to make her any calmer, Crack! Crack! Crack! Again was the exhibition repeated. To the glowing delight of the crowd. | They encouraged her to persevere some more, “Try it again!’ * Coax her!’? “ Feed her on a gumdrop!”” “Whisper ‘sugar’ in her ear!” ** Pull her tail!” These choice sarcasms made Mrs. McGuinness furi- ous. Her anger was transferred from the mare to her tormentors, She shook her fist at them while tie mare tried to play on an imaginary piano with her heels. “Ye call yesilves gintlemen, I suppose?’ she fairiy hissed, “‘but ye ain't. lt is a collecthion ay dirthy blackguards are the whole ay yez.” Wonderfal to relate, the gang around her did not seem to be a bit resentful at her vituperation. Instead they cheerily acquiesced in it, “You're right, madam.” “We ain’t gentlemen.” * Blackguards all of us.” “You ought to have us copped.” “Or send for the military.” So they howled. Mrs. McGuinness was worked up to fever heat, Z “Oh, ye low-mannered loafers!’’ she ejaculated, “if I wur upon the ground wudn’t I make i regret yez slurs. It is lash ye wid me whip wud I so sincerely that ye wud carry the marks to yez graves!” . Unlucky ey : The spunky little mare made a last desperate effort for freedom. - Owing to the fact that she was so disconcerted at being the object of ironical interest that she neglected her grip on the bridle. 2 F The result was disastrous. ~*~ — The spunky little mare’s effort was successful. She threw Mrs. McGuinness plump over her head. She did not, however, reach the ground at first. A rag-cart, driven ah Italian, had chanced to pause right in front of her to enjoy the circus: : It did not prove s0 much of a circus to-him.as he anticipated. . Foc Mrs. McGuinness descended plump into the Tag-cart which the owner had tilted down and stood to one side, the more fully to take in the fun. The weight caused the rag-cart to fly vigorously up r. Some mischievous joker took in the situation. He grabbed the handle of the vehicle for rags. “ Poor ay 1” he said, with mock seriousness, “she’s fainted! Let’s wheel her to the drug-store.” The idea was hailed as a brilliant one by these around. In a minute half a dozen burly tramps had hold of the handle and were pushing Mrs. McGuinness, kick- ngs screaming, up the street, er ride, luckily for her comfort, was ofshort dura- tion, for a policeman appeared; for policemen do ap- pear on rare occasions in See til pro At the sight of him the tramps let go of the zag- cart and fled. The policeman gazed sternly at Mrs. McGuinness, “Itis a shame,” he uttered, “that a lady of your position should 8o far forget herself as to get drunk in a rag-cart. ine it epee was out of her novel conveyance a fe : ‘What do ye mane, ye spalpeen?”? she demanded, as her eyes blazed fire. ‘ Why don't ye do yez duty and arrest those loafers who wur having fan wid me? Ye have eyes, have ye not?” The officer’s tone changed. He had caught sight of her diamonds and jewelry. *Yes'm,” he replied, respectfully. “Thin use thim. Luk down the sthreet and ye will see what ye may take at fust to be a rabbit, but it ain’t, It’s meant for some Koind av a horse.” The policeman gazed. He beheld the diminutive but vixenish mare. ““Yes’m,’’ he again said. ““ Well, I wur roiding on it, whinit flung me over its head into the junk-shop on wheels.” “4 very. sorry, madam,” most politely said the mem- ber of the Quaker City’s finest, who solilog that it was to his interest to make himself solid with the lady, “is there anything I can do for yon?” A “No,” rejoined Mrs. McGuinness, at the same time slipping a dollar into his hand, “here comes me es- cort now.” f Trne enough, Mr. Skifts, looking the picture of solicitude, came up. “T hope you are not injured, madam?” he said, in his silkiest accents. “No hopes to ye ifI ain't!’ answered she. ‘‘ That is a foine baste to give toa gintlewoman av me build, It wur a wondher ye did not get a mouse.” Mr. Skitts deemed it diplomatic not to notice the insinustion conveyed in the last half of her remarks. “ Where is your husband?’ inte: ted he. “‘Troth, but I don’t know, The last I saw ay him he wur galloping away as if he wur a maniac, and then he turned a corner and I lost soight ay him.” “ What corner was it?” “Two blocks below.”? Mr, Skitts offered Mrs. McGuinness his arm. “We will goand see what has become of him,”? he said; * he is just as liable to meet with an accident as yonrself.”’ They wended their way to the designated corner. Turning it, they met an exhibition which made Mra. McGuinness throw up her hands in dismay. She had good cause to. _ There was what at first sight seemed to be a something in the form of a man, in the custody ofa. liceman, who also held the bridle of a giganti¢ orse, : Next to the seeming something was Teresa Evange line, who looked the picture of disgust, — =
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MIKE McGUINNESS. It required two glances on Mrs. McGuinness’ part te see that the nondescript was her husband, * For Heaven’s sake, Mike,’?? she asked, ** where have ye been? How in’ the wurruld did ye iver get whoitewashed ?”” -{tain't whoitewash, Ellen,” he corrected, he be- ing spattered completely with some sort ofa white mixture, ‘it is loime!”’ * Loime?”? - Yis.” ** Where did ye encounther it?’ “ T war pitched into a lake av it.” “ How? “ Aisy. Me horse, may the curse av Cromwell loight on him, ran away and pitched me over an embank- ment in which a lot av laboreis wur mixing ay the Huid.’ “ What he says, mum, is true, and he might have Tt required two glances on ‘“But do, par,’’ persisted Teresa Evangeline, “go somewheres and get yourself brushed off.” Mr. Skitts also interposed. “| will hire a@ Cab’? he said, ‘and you and Mrs. McGuinness can drive right to the hotel. Miss McGuinness and myself and the twins will follow.” Well, McGuinness was himself again when the others reached the hotel, and was reposing on a luxurious sofa enjoying an imported cigar with a truss around it. “What shall be the programme for the day?” queried Mr, Skitts. ** Suppose ye map it out yesilf?’ responded McGuin- ness. “Allright. First we will take a drive throngh the Park.” ** Yes,?? “Then go to the matinee.”’ 13 McGuinness paid for everybody, for he hud brought the whole gang along, even to the stony-faced Rich- ard, who gazed at the show with an air of corpse-like indifference. McGuinness was impressed as he beheld the swiftly fleeting skaters, who were Clad iti all manner of mas- querades, “Shure this is foine,”’ said he, a8 he was ushered Into a private box. ‘ Wud ye luk at that man, Ellen, dhressed up as a butcher’s bye who is thrying to en- deaver to break his neck throwing a handspring. Be heavens, but he has succeeded—good'” and he clapped his hards in his approval of the fear. “Do you skate, Miss McGuinness??? asked Mr. Skitts of the oldest danghter. “ Yes.”’ she confessed. * Will you favor me?” “Tdon'’t mind. Par?’ Mrs. McGuinness’ part to see that the nondescript was her husband. ‘‘ For Heaven’s sake, Mike,” she asked, ‘‘ where have ye been? How in the wurruld did ye iver get whoitewashed?” drowned had it not been for me,” volunteered the sec- | ond Philadelphia policeman, “and ifit had not been for me he would have been a dead man, for the pool of lime into which he was slung was almost three feet - i =Indade, the cop spakes the thruth,’ asseverated McGuinness. “+ Luckily I had sinse enough to shut me eyes, or I moight have been bloinded.” Glancing at Teresa Evangeline, he perceived that interesting young lady almost whimpering. * And what may ail ye, Vangie ?’’ he propounded. “JT am so ashamed.” “ About what?” “You and mar.” “ Abeut what?’ “All of the gentlemen and ladies of the city are laughing at us.” MeGuinness tried to look majestic. He glowered upon his daughter. ; “Things have come to an airly pass when a spring vhicken foike yesilf is asbamed ay her father and her mother. Why are you ashamed av yez father and yez mother?” “}ecanse I find one of youin a rag-cart and the other coated over with lime. It will get into the papers and then we never will be able to move in Philadelphia society.’ a “ Hoity-toity, but it is a pity about yesilfl” indig- nantly declared McGuinness. “Ye are too hoigh- sthrung for yez age. As for mesilf.I don’t care ifI niver move in Philadelphia society at all, at all,” Genes us to see a play wid lots av blood and a y.’ “T’lltry. Then after supper we will go to the big skating rink; there is a big fancy dress ball and carni- val there to-night.’’ ~ Teresa Evangeline clapped her hands at this pro- gramme. La ager was she pleased with the skating-rink art of it. be It will seem just like home,’’ she gleefully ut- tered. ‘* Don’t you remember, mar, the last carnival I went to in New York, what fun I did have?” “TI think it wur me who had the fun,’? remarked Mrs. McGuinness. “Didn't Celia Rafferty give ye away, and whin yez father found out that ye had gone, he raced me all over the house wid a clab?” “It wur roight I wur to be indignant,” continned Mr. McGuinness; ‘‘ skating-rinks are no places for young girls. Many a young gir!, and, for that matter, some onld hens, have met their ruinin them. Brtas Jong, though, as I go wid ye I don’t moind scooping in the affray.’’ The programme was carried out. Philadelphia was partially done during the day. At night they went to the skating-rink, The exterior of the building was, as a rural reporter would say, ‘‘a scene of eae splendor.’ Lights shone from hundreds of windows, the man with the calcium was out in full force; a brass band earned their money on a balcony outside, while freworks were being set off from the roof. * “The interior was equally bewildering with lights and bunting and gay decorations, “ What is it?’ queried McGuinness. “ Mr. Skitts wants me to rink with him. McGuinness hesitated at first. Finally, however, he gave his consent, He spoke dubiously to his wife as he watched the re- treating figures of the prospective skaters. *1 don’t loike it any too much, Ellen,” said he. * Ye don’t loike what? “The way Skitts is behaving.” “ Whatis he doing?” “ Shying around Teresa.”” “T haven't noticed it.” “Lhave. Didn’t he give her an ilegant horse while he gave me a camel, and the rist av yez howly hor- rors? And now he is taking her on the wheels thry- ing to captivate her fresh affections. If I thought he wur afther her far a genuine mash I wud foire him.” Mrs. McGuinness only laughed. * Ye are as suspicious as any onld granny,” she said. “Don’t go fur to be puttiug such nothions into the choild’s head.”’ *“Choild, is she?” solemnly repeated McGuinness. “The choild, ould lady, can give ye points in some things. Don’t she use red paint on her cheeks, and only this morning I collared her darkening her eye- brows wid burnt cork.’’ ** All young girls are foolish,” extenuated Mrs. Mc- Guinness. © ** l used to be that way mesilf.” “And if ye think that ye have got overit ye are deluded, Luk at yez complexion.’’ * What ails it?” “ Yez face Inks loike a wax-doll, whoile the back av yez neck is the hue of acheap picked turkey. When Can't Ir?
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) 4 ceteeoning the little settlement, 14 MIKE McGUINNESS. a put on yez bloom of youth wid tae whoite-wash rash why don’t ye make a clane job ay 1t?”” Mrs. McGuinness bridled up. She felt insulted. She arose. ** Come, children,” she said to the twins, *‘let us go down and see them skate. Yez father at toimes has the sense av a powdher-monkey.”’ * Don’t ye want me to come?” gunned McGuinness, ** No, moind yez own bnsiness.”” She departed. McGuinness chuckled. He was left alone in the box with the hilarious Richard, who w:s in one of his customary trances, ** Ellen is very sensitive,*’ he said to his valet; ** she flares up at the least worrud. Suppose we follow her example and join the spectathors at the scene av revelry? I want, betwixt ye and I, to kape an eye on Skitts.” They descended to the skating floor. The firs: thing he saw was a sign: “ COSTUMES TO HIRE.” ** What does that mane?” he asked. “It means,”’ informed Richard, “just what it says. Any one who wants a costume can bire one.”” * Anybody ?”? “Yes.” “ Anybody at all?” o Yes.”’ as Me ” “ If vou have the price.’’ “Richard?” Well?” “ T have an idea.” “ Yes, sir.’? - ‘¢] will hoire some sort av a suit and watch Skitts and me daugiter in disguise.”” * Yes, sir. I will show you where you can get what you want.” Richard kept his word. He led the way to the little office where costumes were being chartered. * Got ze vera thing for you,’ said the costumer—a lively little Frenchman. “‘ It is ze suit of ze clown. It is loose, and you can slip it right over your other Clothes. A little paint and ze powdair and no one vill ever know you.” The costume was a regular clown's one—baggy all Over, and was of some white material with huge red Spots. It was just McGuinness’ size, and he had no difi- culty in getting it over his other suit. Then the agile costumer deftly put on the paint and * powder and jammed a felt hat on McGuinness’ head ‘Look at yourself 1” the costumer cried, delighted. “ Magnique! Look in ze glass.” McGuinness did. “ Bedad,” he confessed, “‘I wud not know mesilf. I luk loike a Boogie Man.” “It is complete,” testified the Frenchman. “ Mon Dieu! vata sensation you vould create on top of ze horse who can roller-skate,’’ PART VIII. THE costumer’s words caused McGuinness to start. He looked incredulous. “ What are ye giving me?” he asked, ‘‘a horse on ronler skates? Nixt ye will be avowing the existhence av a loive elephant on stilts.” . E But the Frenchman was in dead earnest. “It vas true, sare,”’ he replied. ‘Zey fasten ze skates on ze beast’s hoofs, and he has been trained so zat he fly around mght vide-avake. Wizout much grace, certainly, but vat you can expect, sare, of ze animal dumb?” “Can I be- “ That's thrue,” owned McGuinness. bould the wondher av the age?"* ; “ Wiz happiness,”’ answered the other, who appear- ed to be ly interested in the equine marvel. “Come, and I vill introduce you to ze charmant filly. She has a lovely box-stall. Follow me.” McGuinness did. The costumer led the way to the box-stall. There, sure enough, was a saucy-looking jade, decked off witb ribbons and flowers, to whose hoofs were attached roller-skates, Of course they were not the articles worn by two-legged proficients, but they just suited ner. As they enterel, a gentleman with a black mus- lache of ex flerceness and a diamond of ex- ceeding size and off-color was stroking her mane. * Well, what do you want, Frogsy ?’’ he said, famil- at “And who are these ducks you'’ye got with you : “Gentlemen who vas came to enjoy ze great carnival. Zees vun”™ {indicating McGuinness, for Richard had taken care to post the costumer as to who his employer was) “ees a rich New York mill- lonaire, traveling for pleasure. Monsieur McGuin- Bess, zis ees ze proprietaire of ze rink, Mr. Jackson.” Mr. Jackson was a shrewd judge of character. * His short nibbs is on a racket on the Q. T.,”’ he so- liloquized. ‘That sort of animated lamp-post is his Servant, | It behooves me to try and make a mash. It May be money in.”’ ; Aloud he cordially said: “ Welcome io Philadelphia, Mr. McGuinness! You can’t expect, of course, to find it_as lively as New York, but occasionally I make an humble effort at Witness this carni- a 1 have seen some av it,” said McGuinness, “and it foine.” * You bet. Don't you mean to participate in the revelry?” * Participate?” Sek Ost “Is it jine in ye mane?” *‘assuredly. You don't want to miss the fun?” ** Paix, if ain’t much fun fur me.’’ “Why not?? “Only to the eye, bekase I can’t skate,”? “You never will if you don’t try to.” McGuinness shook his head. “| have no craving in that directhion,” he remark- ed. “Shure, there wud be a temporary suspension ay the carnival to enjoy the soight av me making a monkey show out av mesilf.”? oe “Not as bad as that,”? laughed the proprietor of the nk. As he spoke he was seized with an idea, For Mr. Jackson was a man of ideas. He was fertile in them. One of them came to him as he looked at McGuin- ness. He was great for something new and original in his Le, of business, something that would create a sen- sation. Now he thought he had struck it. What could be more sensational than the debut of McGuinness into the rink, mounted astride of the educated female quadruped? He realized that such an apparition would be the talk of the town on the morrow, for he had taken good care to have any number of reporters present; and, if he could only induce McGuinness to mount the filly, the knights of the pencil would be only too glad to write him up, and what a free advertisement it would be. He slapped McGuinness on the shoulder. * You're from New York?” he heartily said. “That is me address,”’ ** You look like a thoroughbred.” “ Blood will tell.’” ‘And game?” “Tn what manner??? * For sport.”” “Ay coorse. New Yorkers, as a rule, are all game. But where does the spert come in? I wud loike to have a little to git square on me accident av this morning.” “Did you meet with one?” “Rayther.’? ** Nothing serious, I hope ?”” “Only atroifie. I wint roiding upon 4 baste av a horse—well they called it a horse—but in me opinion he wur an army mule wid his ears thrimmed dowa.’? “ What did he do to you?” *“ Only chucked me into a lava-bed of loime, from which I kem out Iukking loike the proize candidate at @ ghost show.”’ “Don’t mind a little thing like that. Say?” “Emit it.’? “Will you do me a favor?” “* Wid playsure.’? Catching McGuinness by the arm, he conducted McGuinness and Richard to his private office. “Sit down,” he invited, setting the example by sink- ing down into an easy-chair, . McGuinness followed suit, while Richard deposited himself on a stiff stool, with the air of a corpse being there on sufferance. “Have something?’ Mr, Jackson queried. ‘Plenty of stuff in the locker.” McGuinness declined. To his credit, be it said, he was nota drinking man, but when it came to sociability, he could take a friendly glass as well as the next. - ‘* Take a smoke, then?” requested Mr, Jackson, McGuinness never refused a weed. He took one and lit it. a ** Begob, but that is something loike nicotine,” he said. ‘ Do ye smoke these steady?” “They’re my regular, diet.” “ Kaping a rink must pay.” * Oh, Ldon't starve. But [ ain’t told you yet what 1 want you to do for me.” f “No. Whatis it?’ “ It will be the biggest lark out.” “* What?’ “Seeing yon on top of my wonderful little filly. You will look too comical for anything!’ McGuinness demurred, ; **Much obliged am I to ye,” he remarked, * but I wud prefer to let the lark fly.” Mr. Jackson would not hear of it. One of his chief traits was persistency, and he kept on at McGuinness, almost going down on his knees and imploring him to ride the animal. McGuinness meant to be firm. He had an inward perception that if he complied with Mr, Jackson's request he would only succeed in making a fool of himself. \ / Constant dropping, though, wears away the hardest Tock. McGuinness was good-natured enough to be talked inte anything. Besides, he was in disguise, nobody would ever know him, Then, too, it gave him a position where he could keep an eye on the cesigning Mr, Skitts and the ir- genuous Teresa Evangeline. So by and by he weakered, “ Anything to plaze,’’ he said, with a halfcomic groan, “‘butitis the impulse av me heare against me brain, and I am willing to wager that I will make a howly show av mesilf What do youthink, Richard?’ The solemn Richard put in a cap in favor of the scheme. = 4 “The Count de Montmorentcy de Saville,’ he gravely said, ** was very fond of masquerading. Dur- ing carnival times at Naples he used to disguise him- ee an Indian and gallop through the streets on & That settled it. “If he wint masquerading, I don’t see why I can’t,” expressed McGuinness. * His example is a patrician wan. “ Certainly, sir. Have a try, anyway.” “* But suppose the ould woman gets ontome? She’lk pull me down to the flure and scalp me.” “TI don’t think she will know you.’? eS, “itm bound she won’t,’? promised Mr. Jackson; “a detective could not spot you.” - ** Honest?” ** Honest.’? * * Thin bring on me leddy horse till I risk me bife. But hould on a minute.” “ What for?” ‘“*T want to ask ye a few questions.” “ Ask away.’ a Does she kick ??? “Bolt?” ** No,?? 3 “ Run away ?? “ No. ” ** Have the bloind sthaggers?”” “ Nonsense. She is as gentle as a lamb. Come here, Jenny.’ Jenny, who was docile enough, being made a regu- lar pet of, obeyed. She whinnied up to her master, who stroked her ng. ** See,” he said, ‘ you’re a daisy, ain’t you, my little girl. Now, McGuinness, get aboard. ‘ou will make the hit of the evening.” “ Barrin’ some wan don’t take me for a lunatic and and hit me off av me horse wid a club.” ““No danger,” gleefully said Mr. Jackson. ‘ Here, Frogsy, where are you ?”” ‘Here, said the dapper costumer, whe had been taking a sly nip behind the door, “ Vat ees it?’’ ‘ST want you to give our new Star a lift.”” * Yes, sare.’? Assisted by Mr. Jackson, the individua! dubbed Frogsy soon had McGuinness mounted upon Jenny, who did not object. “Tt will break their hearts—it will drive em crazy!” enthusiastically ejaculated Mr. Jackson, as he survey- ed McGuinness and Jenny. “I’m ever so much obliged to you. Frogsy?”’ “Yes, sare.”? Mr. Jackson sat down at his desk and hastily pen- ned a note. : “Give that to the leader of the orchestra and tell him to how! her out.” “Yes, sare,”? Otf went the messenger. A few minutes ll Then the music, which had been almost destening, came to @ sudden shut-down. A second later the leader of the orchestra bawlead Quickly he pushed into McGuinness’ hand a big bladder on the end of a stick. McGuinness looked alarmed. “ What the divil is that for?’ asked he. “lt ae do you instead of a whip. Hit anybody over the head with it you please.”’ “*Not me.’? bes ma not?’ _ “Til be slugged.” “No. Every one will take it in fan.’ gpcating: thus, Mr. Jackson gave Jenny & smart ap. a At the same time he touched an electric knob which gave the sigral to the orchestra to play up. They did so, > Before McGuinness was hardly aware of the fact he found himseif ro!ler-skating on horseback into the floor of the rink. Yells and cheers greeted his entree. Most present had seen Jenny before. But McGuinness was new. The novelty took. Well it might. McGuinness and Jenny were too comically irresisti- ble for anything. “ Hurrah Pp’ ‘Three cheers |’? “ They take the medal.’? “ The handsome clown breaks me all up.” “ Ain't he a masher?” “Say, signor, waft us a kiss.” ** He’s escaped from the Zoo.*? “Throw him a bouquet.”? So they shrieked. The suggestion to present McGuinness wit& a floral tribute caught on. Tnstantaneously. Not alone did he receive one bouquet. Fair damsels tore their fower-gardens from thelr waists and flung them at McGuinness. He began to feel more at his ease. | “ Begorra,” he murmured, “it isa regular ovathion that lam rayceiving. Ellen wud gnaw her nails down to the knuckle wid jealousy if she knew that I wur the hero av the hour.” < somehow, for Jenny knew ttle difficulty in Reeping He slid and slopped alo: her business, and he had his seat. He waved his bladder with elation. ary
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} : : “Make way for me !’’ shouted he, ‘*I can’t be bate.” Crack! Crack! Crack! ~ He strock ac some of the maskers, They took it in good part. ‘Hit us again 1’ entreated one. “Once more, please !’? a second begged. **Here’s a head, hit it!” urged a third. “* More bladder sauce |’? requested a fourth. There was one young fellow on mischief bent, who made up his mind to torment McGuinness. He was an expert upon wheels, and garbed like a harlequin. He glided up to McGuinness and gave him a crack with his wand. McGuinness felt insulted. Like a great many others, he did not believe that turn about is fair piay. ’ “ What do ye mane, ye dizzy fakir?? he demanded. The harlequin only laughed sarcastically. He gave McGuinness a zecond swish with his wand. ** Ab, you gorrilla,’’ he invited, ** come off.”? This only made McGuinness feel more wroth. “Come off av what?’ he angrily asked. “* That wooden horse.’ “Ye are a loiar! It’s rale.’? “Getont! It’sasnap. It goes by clockwork.” ““ What are ye throwing at me ?”” “Facts. Come off, or 1 know how I will settle your hash."? * How?"? “Tl grab you by the leg.” “Ye don’t dare!’’ “Don’t 1? Cully, [ was born in a dark alley, and I dare anything. Come otf of that wooden horse, or Pll catch you by the leg and land you with a crash to the floor. Then I will senc an usher after an ambu- lance. You need one.” Thiswas more provoking than ever. McGuinness wheeled after the mocker. “Be heavens!” he yelled, “Tf will knock out yez brains, if ye own any, wid me bladder.” Another satirical laugh. Another hght blow, for the young fellow was only. having a little fun with the old man. “ Do it, he pleaded. ‘My wife will thank you. By life isinsured for her benefit, and I think she no longer loves me. Slaughter me if you can.” McGuinness was just chump enough to accept the challenge. He steered Jenny after the horlequin, which was a very sensible thing to do; something like the attempt ofan elephant to catch a flea. The crowd roared with pleasure. McGuinness was arfording them lots of unexpected ort. seeney encouraged him to try and annihilate the mis- chief-maker. They hooted and howled: * Kill him!” = eee “$s; m rot!?” ~ Ran him down!" “Now you've got him!’? “Try again. Better luck next time.” The harlequin skated: with provoking coolness along, just keeping out of the reach of McGuinness’ der. Several times did McGuinness strike at the harle- quin’s head, but somehow, every time a blow de- scended, the harlequin’s head was somewhere else. This made McGuinness fume. He bit his lip, and made up his mind to hit that head if he could. Fortune favors the determined, and so it was in this case. It is not always best to be too confident, and so the harlequin found it out. He made a wheel, which he thought would bring him out of range. He miscalculated. . It did nothing of the sort. Instead, it brought him in a position where McGuinness had fall play at him. Like lightning did McGuinness grasp the oppor- tunit Rising up in his stirrups, he wielded the bladder with both hands. The blow was a sturdy ne and scored on his tor- entor’s cranium resonantly. A meEntirely taken by surprise, the smitten one stum- bled. and fell sprawling to the waxed floor. The laugh was on the other side of the house, and the audience appreciated it. They shou until the four atts fe in. The harlequin lay still fora minu He had = been phane of the humorous, and it struck him that he was sere joe saugh When he sat up it was w . ** Good for sets beanty,”? he said, “ you did count.”” McGuinness heaved a sigh of reliet. “ Are ye there?? he anxiously asked. “Yes.” answered the young gentleman upon the Roor, * I forgive you.” = * Are ye alolve?”” ** Rather,” = “ Begob, ye have taken a load off av me heart. me ught I had kilt ye. “Not rio as that, Y guess,” answered the harle- quin, as ~ skated away, taking the jeers of the lookers- on good-humoredly. Mr. Jackson ae beside himself with glee. 4 * He’s the biggest card Lever had,’’ he uttered. I —_ couldn't I hire. him every night? Say, Frog- sy” z ~-Frogsy was at his heels as usual. “Yes, sare,” he replied. 2 MIKE McGUINNESS. 15 roo “Get the house horseshoe.” *¢ Yes, sare.’? (The house horseshoe was a floral piece which was owned by Mr. Jackson, and presented in turn to all of the various skating stars in turn during the evening.) “Take it around and present it to McGuinness,” Frogsy cbeyed. Staggering under the horseshoe, he crossed the rink to where McGuinness was. ‘Monsieur McGuinness,” said the costumer, “ allow me to present you wiz zese flowers*from your ad- mirers legion.’ Mc Guinness was overwhelmed. “ Ladies and jintlemen,’’ he said, in some confusion, “this is the proudest moment av me loife,”? Roars of applause greeted this speech, and McGuin- ness rode gracefully around the rink, the horseshoe around his neck. “This is something loike loife,’? he complacently so- liloqaized. ‘‘It is a lion am I, and——" He paused in his soliloquy. He checked Jenny so suddenly that he was nearly tlung over her head, The reason was simple. , Skating toward him was a couple. They wore-Japanese dominoes and carried Japanese parasols. : But he recognized them at once. They were the artful Mr. Skitts and Teresa Evange- line. “* Begorra,’’ he hissed, ** how can [hould mesilf to- gether? How do I know but that they may have made up their moinds to elope in that disguise? I'll stop it, though.” He did not, however. A moment’s reflection conyinced him that if he up- braided the offenders, very naturally they wonld want to know what he was doing in his present masquerade. *‘Wud-to Heaven,” he groaned, “that I wur off av this rowler-skating crab!"? PART: IX. IT cost McGuinness a great effort to refrain from swooping down on Mr. Skitts and Teresa Evangeline, and breaking up their idyl on skates. Naturally, though, they would want to know how he himself had got into his present predicament, and ask uncomfortable questions. ~ *“) wud give wan handred dollars, he muttered, as he bit his lip,“ if I could knock the sly intrigner’s head otf av his shouldhers. Luk at him now, chirping a valentoine into herear. Just wait till I get me for- thune—it is pay him what I have borrowed av him, thank him korndly for.the favor he did me, and kick the ghoul out.” : Regretful that it would not be his policy to demol- ish the lawyer. he rode on. For ten or fifteen minutes he was the center of at- traction. ‘ : Then the public, always fickle. rushed off to see an exhition of fancy skating by a couple of professionals. He felt himself temporarily eclipsed. Inasmuch as the fair sex went to see the others and did not fling him any more bouquets. He tried to console himself with the reflection that they would be back. “They can’t afford to miss me,” he soliloquized, “‘and they betther laud me whoile they have me in their vista, bekase whin I lave I don’t intind to ask for a rayturn souvenir to enable me to get in again.” Slowly he rode along. Apart from the rink proper was what might be call- ed a refreshment-room, fitted up with tables and chairs—a great resort for spooney couples. It was on a level with the floor of the rink, and so, more out of curiosity than anything else. he intruded the head of his filly into the room, just to have a look around at what was going on. The tables were mostly all occupied. Ladies and gentlemen were sitting eating light viands and sipping their drinks, McGuinness did not expect to see anybody he knew. But he was disappointed. Cruelly so. At one table he beheld the twins sipping lemonade, eating cake, and carrying on a desperate flirtation with a couple of amateur dudes. The next table was occupied by Mr. Skitts and Teresa Evangeline, and the former was plainly put- ting in his conversational fine work. Ata third table was Mrs. McGuinness and a gentle- man robed like a Spanish cavalier with a dazzling crimson cloak and a flaring brigand hat. The features of the cavalier seemed strangely fami- liar, and even garbed as he was he had no difficulty in recognizing the features of Ruby Perker. Yes, it was that distinguished legalluminary, after letting the McGuinnesses slip through his fingers he was mad enough to dynamite himself, However, spilt miJk cannot be picked up, and he soon ascertained around the ferry that their destina- tion was Philadelphia, Swallowing his anger as well as he cou'd he lost no time in following them. Once in the City of Brotherly Love and marble- stoops he had no trouble in locating them. He got onto their track at once. “Tl have them again, never fear,’’ he tried to con- sole himself, ‘‘it is a very cold day when I can’t get the best of a chump like my esteemed friend Skeleton Skitts.” Accordingly, when he found ont that they had gone to the carnival he followed. Thus was his presence accounted for upon the gay and festive scene. Luck was with him. J: Securing his costume, he spotted Mrs. McGuinness and the twirs at once, Just as if nothing had occurred he walked up to Mrs. McGuinness. Lifting his copious hat, he saluted her with a honeyed smile and the salutation: “Good-evening.”” The lady started. No wonder. She would have as soon expected to behold her grandmother's ghost. . She was almost paralyzed with indignation, Such nerve! Such gal! Such audacity! She had a good mind to beckon to one of the offi- cers on duty and have him arrested. The idea! He, who, according to Mr. Skitts’ fairy-tale, had con- cocted a plot to abduct and murder them, to have the Polaric assurance to wish her “ good-evening.” She glared at him with a stony glare, which would have excited uncomfortable emotions in the bosom ef &@ stuffed owl. Naturally Ruby Porker was astonished. He had done his best for her at the depot—and what could she hayé against him? He soon found out. To his sorrow. ° As Mrs. McGuinness continued to maintain her glare, his pesition was rather awkward. He realized it. Decidedly uncomfortable did he feel. Yet he lifted his hat again. Also smiled. More honey in the second smile than in the first, but it was all lost-on the object of his attention, She looked as implacable as an iceberg. ““ Good-evenipg!”’ he repeated. Mrs. McGuinness turned in her chair. The glance that she shot at him almost caused the crimson to pate in his cloak. “* Sirr? intoned she, in a voice like the distant ruam- ble of thunder. Her accoster felt his knees shake. What could be up? Uncertain as to what it might be for, the third time’ he observed: ** Good evening!’ Mrs. McGuinness arose. In majestic grandeur. She pointed to the door. She extended the index finger of her right hand to- ward one of the exits. “Lavel’’ she commanded, in trumpet tones, Raby Porker was dumfounded. “But,” he stammered, — Gee again said Mrs. McGuinness. “ ut——”: “No buts.” “Allow me to——"’ “TI will allow ye nothing. Ye may consider yesilf ee me forgiving fur not placing ye into cus- thody.” “** Custody ?”? a Yis.”? “Ofwho?? “That policeman yondher.” 6 “What fer?’ “* Attempted murdher.”” This sort of dazed Ruby Porker. He repeated her words, ** Attempted murder?” quoth he. “T said it,” “But to what do you refer,madam? Possibly I cannot form the slightest conjecture.” * ue cannot?” Mrs. McGuinness’ indignation increased. “Ye have a blacker heart than 1 thought,’’ she com- mented, “but Iam not at all surproised. A villain who wud plot the engulfment ay a whole family be- neath the waves that niver did ye any harum, ts fully capable av lying.” Ruby Porker was more dazed than ever. “Me plot the engulfment ofa whole family into the eres he almost gasped, » = cece but allow me to ask you a question.” “What might be the name of the family who I meant to murder by engulfment?” ** ] am sorry for ye, ye hypocrite.” “Why ?? “Ye don’t know?” **On my honor.” ** Your honor!’ ; “Certainly, Will yon please tel! mo who the vic- tims were ?? ** Me and my innocent offspring.” In the glossary of the prize-ring this was what might be called a “ facer.”” ; He was so taken by amazement that he sank into a chair and wiped his brow absently with his dicer. “ Madam,” he inquired, “‘ who in the world told you such a fiction?” ; “The gentleman is present now.’’ “He is ?? o Yes.” ** Where?” ** There he goes ont of the door.” ““There are two or three gentlemen going out. Which one do you mean?” » “ Their backs are toward me.” ‘“ He’s a friend ay yez, I belave,” icily said Mrs, Mc- Guinness. * He is?” “ Yis.” “ And what might be his name?” “ Mr, Skitts.”
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pee eee SR i ee Ruby Porker’s eyes =e en ee ee ee out in astonishment. “Did that dried-up disgrace to the law have the nerve to tell [you such a base, malignant libel?” * He did.’ Ruby Poke puffed out with real or well-assumed rage, as if he were some vindictive turkey-gobbler on the war-path. He scowled most darkly. The veins on his forenead he swelled out as big as possible. He rolled up his sleeves. Also did he jam his white-plumed hat savagely down over his eyes. * Ah—h—h!" he hissed, gutturally; “thank Heaven Iam armed! Mrs. McGuinness?” “ Well, sir?’ «Calm yourself.” “Tam calm.” **Exceilent! Keep so. Do not allow yourself to Decome affrighted at the scene of bloodshed which May ensue the next minute; I intend to plunge a sti- Jetto into bis back up to the hilt. Nothing but gore an wipe away the insult to my reputation. 1 wil: Dring the caitity in here and wring bis neck for him!’’ The speaker looked so impesingin his wrath that Mrs. McGuinness was impressed. Really she liked sim better than Mr. Skitts. He was more ofa gallant; more ofa ladies’ man. She spoke in gentler accents. “Do ye mane to say that there is no truth in what he towld me?’ she queried. “You are speaking of Skitts.”” “oe Yis.”” Ruby Porker made a pose. Theatrically he doffed his chapea' peau, placed it over his heart—if he owned such an article—and raising his right hand toward the ceiling exclaimed in tones akin to those of a boss tragedian: *“ Madam, I swear it. Here.” ** What is itr? “* Give me your hand.” “* An’ what for?” **T will lead you out and confront him with you. will spill his life-blood at your feet.’? This sounded very heroic. All women love heroes. Mrs. McGuinness was no exception. She hesitated. “If I could rary believe you,” she began. He interrupted her. “ Follow me and see me make a carcass out of him.” These were desperate words. Bravely spoken. As he uttered them he looked wicked enough to do anything. Femininity loves a dash of the diabolical in a man. Mrs. McGuinness did like the sex in general. Raby Porker arose in her estimation. She actually unbent so far as to simper. ** Don’t.” she pleaded. “Don’t what, madam.” sternly queried the avenger. “ Kill Mr. Skitts.”? “ Why not?” “For my sake."? “ That is just what Iam going to immolate him for —for your sake.’ * Please don't.” “* Why not??? “ Bekase Ido notcare to fignre as a hayro‘ne in a sensathional scene in a public place,” ube Porker was quick to take advantage of her 2 od are right, Mrs. McGuinness,’ he said, “ ex- cuse me for affording the sl'ghtest breath of gossip to smirch a fair lady’s fame. 1 will spare the villain this time till we meet again, for your sake, Mrs. McGnin- ness.” Mrs. McGuinness felt flattered at such chivalry. si Shure itis a thousand toimes am I obliged to ye,” she said. “Not at all,” said the other, who had no more of an idea of encountering Mr. Skitts than he had of fly- ing rena the air. eae es mee admiration of Ruby Porker in- Sk Sar ond not for anything have ye get into any throu- ble on me account,” she said. “ Willingly will I do eg to oblige you,” an- swered the modern knight-errant. He relaxed his ferocious air. He did not look so much like a premeditated carver uv of enemies. se he suffered his brow to relax. A bland smile came over his oleaginous face. He Joona Si with a bland ‘* Excuse me” to take a seat opposite her and began fanning himself with his bead apparel. She did not object. He ordered refreshments, and hove a sigh. “Mrs. McGuinness, I pore you may allow me to call you my friend?’ he said. Bhe yielded. “ Ye-es,’? said she. **And asa friend of yoursI naturally sympathize with you.. We all have our own troubles.” cau av us.”? I , “Long ae as much,” she agreed, “ He is too good- natured. “That he is.’ ” ae Touch so for his own good.) “ ‘ow? “ He believes all to be as virtuous as himself.’* MIKE McGUINNESS. * That he do.” cs Be cannot fathom the depravity of human nat- ure.” . ines to think, T belave ye are roight. He has always seemed to have a soft spot in his head iver since he wur nearly burnt up ata foire in the new croton aquiduct,”’ “Ha! so I conjectured. Little knows he the black- ness of a soul like Skitts—a being shrouded in crime from the day he was born!’ “Is that thrue??? “Ttis. Listen.” leaning over, he proceeded to pour a most harrow- He oe blood-curdling tale of depravity on the part is legal friend. If all what he said was true (?) Mr. Skitts was a monster of darkness, He could lie as fast as the scorers at a walking- match could ring up the laps when excitement is ne- cessary. Mrs. McGuinness believed him, though. She took it all in for corn. As he dilated upon the other’s atrocities gradually their heads drew nearer. * Anyone at a little distance away would have thought that they were indulging in a loving confab. And thus it seemed to McGuinness as he beheld them as he peered in at the entrance of the refresh- ment-room. He was horrified at what he beheld. * Be Heavens!’’ he said in angry accents,“ ifit ain't that murderer av aPorker a-mashing av the ould wom- an. Wud ye luk at the twins, too, flirting wida couple av hoighed collared cockatoos av juvenile dudes. Trothitisasaightto wring the heart av a husband and father. But I will soon put an ind to the love-tafty.’’ Wrathfully he dismounted from his animal. He gave her a cut and set her adrift. Then with blood in his eye and his trusty bladder in his hand, he swooped down upon the culprits, The twins incited his wrath first. He did not waste much ceremony, He bounded in front of the table. He raised his bladder. He let it descend. Whack! Whack! Each of the dudes got a blow which made them start to their feet. Whack! Whack! They received a second dose, which caused them to start for cover to avoid more punishment, **He’s mad, baw Jove !”’ faltered one. Ye bet lam,’? corroborated McGuinness, mad-dog mad, too. See me froth at the mouth. Whitr-r-r ! show me some wather, and 1’ll have fits ’? Again did he repeat his fondling of them with his unique weapon. It was too much of a good thing. They forgot their politeness. Also their fair companions. Basely they shook them and run, each getting a farewell crack as he fled which made his head ring. The twins were almost paralyzed at the unexpected apparition of their father, albeit they did not recog- nize him at all. “Help!” shrieked Eliza. “ Murder!’ screamed fae VS “Save us!” d Eliza. ** He’s a lunatic!’ exclaimed her sister. “T’ll tache ye to make coquettes out av yesilf at such an unripe Ss a the author of their being de- clared. ‘ Take that, and that, and that!” Swish! Swish! Swish! The bladder gies a lively tattoo upon the head and shoulders of the twins, Squawking as if their throats were being cut, they followed the example of their ungallant cavaliers. That is to Say, they took to their heels. McGuinness did not pursue. He was on higher game intent. His quarry was at the other table. With abound and a war-whoop which would pare done credit to the wildest of Indians, he appeared front of Ruby Porker and Mrs. McGuinness. He acted at once. Very promptly. Jamping upon an empty chair which was at the table, he brought the bladder down on the table with @ dull thud which set the giasses upon it ringing. Mrs. McGuinness gave vent to a howl of ees. Ruby Porker turned pale, and drop; cher- ished sombrero in his affright. ped ts Whack! McGuinness bruised the surface of the table with his bladder. ss rra!’’ he shouted, ‘‘T am here?’ It was evident that he was. But to make it more plainly palpable he struck the gentleman in the garb ofa ee, cavalier a smart crack on the nose. Ruby Porker’s nose was a sensitive organ. The blow caused the rich crimson to spurt from his bugle. He clasped his hand over the smitten organ and sprang to his feet. “* Heavens!’’ he ejaculated, “I am stabbed?” “ Yis,”’ assured the bold McGuinness, as he ahow- ered blow after blow upon the luckless cavalier, ‘‘and it will be a fatal stab, loikewoise!”’ Mrs. McGuinness came to a littie, Surely there was a something in the aspect of the new arrival which seemed strangely familiar, he peered at him with terrified eyes. A couple of glances sufficed. © She knew him! She forgot her alarm in her surprise. She leaped up. “* Howly Moses |’? she exclaimed, in tones of con- sternation, “if it ain’t Moike 1”? “It is,” declaimed McGuinness, “hereIam a wit- ness ay yeu perfidy. Ain’t ye ashamed ay yesilf te set such an exampie to yez children, ye old hen ye!” Ruby Porker gasped for breath, “* McGuinness !”’ he cried. “ yis, it is McGuinness, ye arch-flend,” avowed Mo- Guinness, as he made a slash at the brigand- hat, “die, Villain, die !”? The, one aimed at dodged the blow. He was not on the die. Not just yet if he knew himself. * McGuinness !”” repeated he, querade, Are you mad!” “and in this maa- PART X, RUBY PORKER gazed at McGuinness in surprise. “ For Heaven’s sake,” he queried, ‘‘ where did you come from ?”” “ Back trom the wathery grave in which you meant to engulf me,”” responded McGuinness. The obese lawyer looked surprised. “I meant to engulf you ina watery grave?” he queried. ‘ What givi ” * What are you giving me “The thruth.”? “ Who told you?” “ Skitts.”? “‘ Where is he, the villain? How did I try to entrap you into any watery grave?’ “ Yez own conscience should inform ye how, Wur I not the most forgiving man in the worruld I wud used a pistol instead av a bladder. Shure, if I hada pistol wid me now itis hard wurruk wad I have not to put a bullet through ye anyway.’’ ae looked so flerce that the pettlfogger quailed. Although he was totally In the dark relative to the aqueous tomb busin sts confronter looked so fierce that the obese pett er trembled. “There is some mistake,’ ” he faltered. *] will not bandy worruds wid sucha Thug,’’ de- clared McGuinness. ‘Now, if ye know what is good for ye, take Frinch lave, or, *pedad, I will go out and borrow a pistol.’* . McGuinness looked like a little gamecock. The lawyer quailed. Like a great many big men, at heart he was a cow- “Tt is | ard. ““TJ—I,”? he began to stammer. McGuinness interrupted hin. “Cloimb !” he said. ‘*Do ye moind what I say, or it will be the worst for ye.” ar he obese pettifogger wilted at the way McGuinness spoke. “ There is some error,’’ he faltered. “ There is an error, anda very big wan. The error is on me part.» By roights I should make the mathe- rial for a fleshy wake out ay ye. Ye betther not ins gher around here Jong, for I have Spanish blood in me veins. Me mother wur a Gypsy Quane in Spain, and the gypsies niver forget or forgive. The longher that ye remain in me presence the more it causes me Spanish blood to ferment. If ye don’t waft yesilf wid raymarkable expedithion me gypsy blood will boil loike a caldhron, ahd I will do something that per- haps I may regret whin Tam on the§gallows for yez murdher. Now, waft yerilf away.”’ Ruby Porker made a last effort to explain matters. “Tt is all a mistake,”* he faltered. “All av a mistake, ye wud-be assassin!’? Mc- Guinness angrily said. “Loikewolse wud it be an aiquil flimsy mistake if.1 should change me moind and mae dead men’s bonvesout av ye. Will ye skim- mer Ruby Porker hesitated. Although he felt himself entively innocent He pore any murderous designs on the existence of McGuin- ness, yet he concluded that now was not the time to argue the matter, for McGuinness seemed to become more a at every word he uttered. The pettifogger changed his tactics, “Mr. McGuinness,” he said, in a sort of cooing tone of voice, “I will excuse » You. You are laboring under a delusion,”’ - “Am 1??? hoarsely intoned MoGuinness. phen let 1 gi tip.” ‘Then le! — ve ye a tip. “What 1s it?” “Get, for yez own good,”” Mr. Porker had his reasons just then for not wishing to quarrel with McGuinness. Byron Skitts out of the way, he felt confident that he could regain his old supremacy over McGuinness. However, he concluded that now was not the proper time to argue the matter, He arose with the air ofa most misjudged man. He tried to force a sob. Passing his hand across his brow, he looked the picture of injured innocence. “Time will show how unjast nent aspersions are, Mr. McGuinness,”’ he haughtily sai : “ Suspicions,” echoed Woctnnen “Ye may call thim suspicions, but I term thim bed-rock facts. Will ye make yesilf inaudible and invisible?’ Mr. Porker thought it policy to do so. With the air of a martyr he jammed his wholesale eer apes his eyes. F phils tha tragic Lee de oe that of some good : thropist misjudged he le! But not without a last wore
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MIKE McGUINNESS. 8S 8 ee oe — “Some day you will find out your error,” he adieued. “ When I do,” returned McGuinness, **I will come around and present ye wid a bottle ay anti-fat.”’ Mr. Ruby Porker was too offended, or pretended to be, to make any answer to this reflection upon his avoirdupois. He made his exit in a most stately style, meant to impress McGuinness. He failed. McGuinness refused to be impressed. ne more that he reflected upon the alleged du- plicity of the pettifogger the more he felt inclined to punish him somehow or another. “‘Tyerything points to the factit wur a deliberate plan av assassination,’’ he soliloquized; ‘‘few men wud have spared him without making some retalia- thion. But I hate the oidea av shedding blood. It makes me qualmish. Faix, it is a good dale av the woman Ihave in me. Whin we kept the shanty up on the rocks, I wur too tinder-hearted to aven milk a goat, for it always seemed to me as if the casualty wud must hurt the poor daste,and the same way I always left the wringing av a hen’s eck to the ould woman.”’ McGuinness conciuded that for the present he had seen fun enough at the rink. So he went back to the private office and exchanged his garb. * It is a splendid time you have had?’ queried the affable manager of the rink, as he greeted McGuin- ness on his return, os oes all ready ?’? asked the manager. SOV IS The manager turned to the men at the windlass. “Hey there!” he bawled. “ Aye, aye. sir!’’ they responded. * Are you ready ?” ‘© Aye—aye, sir.” ‘phen let her go slow.’ Aye—aye!”’ : The next minute the balloon soared up. It was ballasted just enough to move easily, and McGuinness began to enjoy his aerial trip. “This bates walking,” he soliloquized, as he lit a Roman candle, and amongst the plaudits of the crowd, soared heavenward, letting off a couple of Roman candles. The motion was delightful. McGuinness enjoyed it. “Shure,” he soliloquized, “‘now that I am aware av the playsures av ballooning, I will buy two or three and kapethim in sthock. The mothion is soft and deloightfully aisy.’’ Meanwhile Ruby Porker was nursing his wrath, for so vexed was he at what he called McGuinness’ base ingratitude, that he entered the bar and took a drink. He was not a drinking man, and the fumes of the drink—in fact, he took several—went to his head. Alcohol had a yery bad effect upon him. It did not make him feel amiable and at peace with all the world. Decidedly the reverse, J It made him vindictive. McGuinness bit his lip. A couple of potations convinced him that he had “liegant!"? he replied. ‘I never had so much fun | done wrong in not annihilating McGuinness on the since [had the maysles and the barber’s itch com- | spot. boined.” “IfI could find him now I would knife him to a “ But what makes you leave so early ?” certainty,” he muttered. “ Shure I feela little as ifI had enjoyed mesilf too A third drink farther increased his ire. mucn.” “1fT could find the sawed-off gorilla now,” he mut- “ Nonsense! You will miss most of the sport it you | tered, * I’d show him whatit is to insult a Porker, don’t stay.” Wonder where heis?” * And what moight that be?” Turning to the bar-keeper he inquired: “There is a vacant lot adjacent to the rink.”” “Pid you see anything of a little sawed-oir Mick, “Pll take’yez wurrud for it, as Iam not familiar wid | the rufflan who made a fool of himself on the roller- the locality.” skating horse.” “ And as a free advertisement for the rink, Ihavea| The bar-keeper nodded. balloon ascension every hour with fireworks. The car| ‘ Yep,’ he curtly responded. ofthe balloon just holds one. Don’t you want to “Where is he now?”? ; make an «ascension ?’’ «“ fle was in here a little whileago. Just before he The idea seemed a novel one to McGuinness. went up the balloon”? “J wud enjoy an rial voyage,” he answered, ‘“‘ but “The balloon?” there is only wan objectbion.”’ seYea.2" * What's that?” “ What balloon ?’? “Shure I don't want to land in Africa, New Jersey, | ‘‘The one that gives free rides.” or some other foreign counthry.’’ ‘He don’t mean to leave the country, does he?” The proprietor laughed. “No. The balloon is a fake te a certainextent.” “ Qh,” said he, “1 don’t mean to let you loose in} ‘* How?” the balloon.”’ “It’s a sort of adummy bulloon. It is held sate “What thin?” from skipping by only being allowed to go so far.?? “There is a big rope which holds it to the ground “ How's it worked ?”? and only allows fe to gosofarup. Nodangerofyour| “Eas 7? 2 eloping with the sn? evs “Well, explain,” The novelty of the idea caught McGuinness’ fancy. “Tt goes up on a rope which is wound around a 7 don’t moind if I do take a thrip,’’ he said. windlass.”’ “Doso. 1t will be a novel sensation.” “ A windlass ?”” “ And if anything I do loike, it 1s novel sensathions st ) ay any sort,” said McGuinness. “ Just for fun wanst “ What's that for?” Irode a camel ina circus parade. Be Heavens, me « Why, so it can’t get loose, of course.” liver wur jolted up against me heart, andI wur flung| The drink-juggler’s words puta scheme for revenge off in front av the dromedaries and walked over by | into Ruby Porker’s head. those playful bastes! I think that I will tackle the bal- loon.” . ‘ Suppose,’? he said, reflectively, “ if any evil-dis- posed person should sever the rope, what would hap- ? ? The dispenser of beverages jerked his thumb toward the ceiling— “ Come along, then,’? said the manager. He ted the may to a vacant lot which was brilliantly lighted up. SThere MeGuinness beheld the balloon struggling a few feet above the ground trying to get free from the rope which held it'to the windlass upon the ground. The rink proprietor ordered the men at the handle of the windlass to pull the balloon down to the ground. His mandate was obeyed. The balloon was brought down to terra firma, “Just hop aboard,” invited the manager—' but ** Up in a balloon, boys, up in a balloon, All amidst the little stars That twinkle round the moon,” he chirped. “Then lam to infer that the severance of the rope would give the balloon its liberty.” wait!"? “* Cert.” “ What for?’? A diabolical idea entered his head. “The freworks.’? On a champagne basket he espied a hatchet. “ Poireworks?” Just the thing for his purpose. “ Yes,” Already he perceived his revenge near at hand. ‘* What are they for?’” 7 “To let of while ye are going up through the air. “Itis a sort of fancy touch?” “Yes. Climb in.’’ McGuinness did so. The manager departed. mmseaD ens in a minute with an armfal of Roman candles. “Be careful, though, of one thing,” cautioned the manager. “What?” “ How you shoot off the Roman eandles,”’ “ Why?" ‘If you should put a ball from one of them through the balloon it would collapse, and you would be liable A have your neck broken by your return trip down re. “Faix I will be very careful in that rayspect. I Sere foire in the air at all.’’ “No a squaring accounts he slyly made iove to it. When the knight of the bar had bis back turned he, to use a very expressive term, swiped it. He slipped it up the back of his coat. Revenge,” he said, ina mutter, “is sweet. Iwill pay up that flanne]-mouthed Mick, confound him.” To be sure of not failing in his resolution he done the worst thing he could to further inflame his ani- mosity, he mixed his drinks. Before he had taken whisky. Looking at the various ornaméntal cards descrip- tive of beverages which were pasted on the wail he read one: * Absinthe cocktail.” What an absinthe cocktail was he did not know. But be was just reckless enough to do anything. He swallowed it. 3 The mixture of the two drinks was enough to make aman crazy enough to lock his grandmother in ** No." smoke-house and set fire to it, “Why not? He left the bar-room and staggered out into the “T have a bettfier schayme.”” “vacant lot. . “You have?” He got there just in time. “*Yis.”? The balloon was slowly arising. “What is it?” He could see McGuinness shooting off bis Roman “Tl lay out the crowd.’? candles. ~ The other shrugged his shoulders. . He gritted his teeth. “T don’t care a continental what you do as longas| He smiled. you don’t bust the balloon.” Not an angel’s smile. a Reversely, that of a Mephistopheles. Sneaking forward he raised his hatchet. It flashed in the calcium-lights, It did not flash for long. Chop! Chop! Chop! The hatchet descended three times on the rope. Although the hatchet was dull, being chiefly used to pry the lids irom boxes, the arm that wieldéd it was temporarily steeled by revenge. The trio of chops done the business. His action was so quick and so unexpected that those about the windlass did not have time to grab him in time. They stood as if in a daze, And before they could recover their scattered wits the balloon was at liberty. They only remained in a daze for a moment. Then they grabbed him. “What in thunder do you mean?” a dozen angry, terrified voices demanded. He did not explain. Dropping the hatchet, he also dropped himself. Down on the ground. The mixture of drinks had made a temporary ma- niac out of him. His addled brain just retained memory enough to retain the barkeeper’s carol. lo 1. He pointed idiotically to the fast-disappearing bal- on. He repeated part of it. “Up in a balloon, whoop! up in a balloon, *Roundsh-er little stars, Twinkle ’round the moon.” Then the reaction came. He dropped to the ground with a shriek like a ma- niac. * Guesh I’m squaresh on him,’’ he hoarsely said. Poor McGuinness was totally unaware of the other's ct. fie was having a picnic with his rockets. “This is foine!”? he soliloquized, “I fale loike a king ay the air, as the circus bills say. The mothion is deloightfully deloightful!” 7 He had hardly finished his self-congratulation when the cutting of the rope occurred Suddenly he found himself bound upward like a ird. © An intuition told him that something had hap- pened and the balloon was free. His face paled. “ Some villain,”’ he said, a cold perspiration break- ng out upon his forehead, ** has cut the rope! It is in Oiceland may I foind mesilf before dawn.”’ Left to its ewn guidance, the gas-infiated globe soared upward like a bird, It sped away like some fabulous monster from the vacant lot. By almost a miracle, he escaped the surrounding spires and chimneys, Then he remembered, people remember and act uickly in times of emergency, that the prope ot the skating-rink had cautioned him to careful of enteral the balloon with fireworks. The caution flashed across his memory. The caution might prove his salvation. On, on they went. But as he peered about he grew reckless. “Thank Heaven!” he fervently uttered, “the wind is bearing us toward the river. ait till we reach it. and Iamsayed, A tumble into the briny would not hurt him." Then his face paled again. True, he could swim. But then he was subject to cramps. sepiglen frame is to a great extent governed by e mind. He felt that if he should puncture the balloon he, in his neryeus condition, would surely be seized by cramps and perish ifhe fell in the water. So he suffered himself to be borne along on the wind, Over the Schuylkill river went the balloon, ' The opposite shore was reached. The atmospheric current was mugey, and McGuin- ness found that it grew muggier still as they advanc- To brace himself up for the scheme which he had of | ed. Resultantly the balloon floated close to the ground, comparatively speaking. He waited until the other coast was reached. They out into the country, he not wishing to break his neck by dropping on a roof. Into the country they soared. When daylight (blessed event,) arrived he found himself over a group of trees. Now was the chance to utilize his rocket. A sudden change of the temperature had caused the balloon to float but a short distance above the ground. He was now desperate. “ Wait till I get over them and I'll trust to luck,” he agonizedly soliloquized. With shaking fingers he felt in his pocket where he carried his matches. ¥ Horrors! He had only three. He lic the first. It barely ked and then wem out. He scratched the second. That followed the other's example. A cold sweat broke out on his forehead. Suppose that would miss flre—what then? J McGuinness, if he ever prayed in his life, prayed then as he, with a band nerved to desperation, [enited it. The result showed the efficacy of prayer. In this case at least. j ‘
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Grabbing one of his Roman candles, he also grab- bed his hat and lit it inside of it. The prayer must have done the business. The match blazed up. It was butthe work ofa second for him to light the Roman candle. He was put in suspense once more. The Roman candle only sizzled. ~ Woula it go out? ~ Would it not? Judge of his joy when he beheld dt after awhile “eonclude to change its mind. = ce parks came flowing from its tube. ZZ | Fizz! Fizz! Bang! A bright ball shot up. “Grane is its hue—and 1 am saved!’ he joyously ex- elaimed, at least as joyously as he could under the circumstances. His aim was true. The ball punctured the balloon. It collapsed like some stricken monster. Down, down. down it came. Until he felt it safe for him to drop into them. He selected a weeping willow as being the softest place to disembark. With another prayer he dung himself into its branches. His invocations had been heeded apparently. For he managed, after breaking a couple of branches, to collar one. There he hung suspended until more by sheer will than physical strength he managed to drag himself upon it. His troubles, though, were not yet over. A man came along with a gun. He beheld McGuinness, Startled at the unexpected sight he leveled the gun more out of surprise thtan maliciousneas at McGuin- ness. “Don’t shoot!"’ wailed McGuinness. ‘‘Can’t ye see lam thraveling for playsure? lain’t a birrud or a e& PART XI. - THE man with the gun put it down at the sound of McGuinness’ voice. “ Who’re you?” he queried. ~S _“ Shure, lL ain’t quite shure av anything since I have started thraveling for playsure.” “Traveling for pleasure,’’ repeated the other, with a Jook of surprise. “ Yis.” “But how did you come into the tree ?’’ ¥ djasipea from the balloon.” “What balloon?” 5 “The wan I kem in from Philadelphia.” “ Say?’ asked the hunter, ** what is the reward?” . * Reward!” echoed McGuinness. “ Yes. ” “What for?’ “Taking you back to the lunatic asylum from whence you come. Js there any reward out for you?” ** Not for me, but there maybe for the balloon. Ye will foind it collapsed a litt'’e ways farther on. Use yez eyes.” ; The gunner did so. “There is something. that looks like a bag lying down in the ditcb,” he said. * That's it.’? ** But it’s collapsed.” ~ “TI Know it.” “ How did it occur?” “It wur me own act. I shota holeintoit wid a Roman candle.” “So you had Roman candles in the balloon ?”’ grin- ned the other. ” Yis.” The gunper leveled his weapon at the inhabitant of he tree. “I'm sure you're off your nutnow,”’ he remarked, big rubber A get out of ; tree or I'll shoot,”” % But—— “No buts. Sherry?’ 17?) The gunner cocked his piece. * Will you drop before I fill sou up with bird-shot?”’ he fiercely said. He spoke with so much determination manifest in his accents that McGuinness concluded that it would > the very best thing that he could do to obey. So he scrambled down the side of the tree. His captor cocked his weapon. “ Forward—march!” he ordered. “ Where to?’ asked McGuinness. “The nearest Justice of the Peace.” “* What do I want with him?” “You can’t stuffany taffy like that down my throat. Stir your stumps!’ hed. : “Turn to your right!” ordered his guardian. cine turn was made, and up the road McGuinness mov , “For Heaven's sake,”’ McGuinness, “ can’t ye kape me in thrall wid the butt-ind? Troth, the gun may a thrigger and go off widout yez maping i : “I'll tend to that,” promised the other. ‘Stop at eet house you see on the right hand side of the MeGuinness was in agony as he tramped along. Suppose the gun would go off, where would he be? MIKE McGUINNESS. Bnt he realized that there was no use of Kicking. = Never was he so thankful as when he beheld a ouse, He marched up the graveled path which led to it. ** Ring the bell,*? commanded his custodian. McGuinness did. He was bound to get square on something, so he gave the bell a jerk which created an unearthly clamor. =! His summoges was 300n answered. An irascible little man with a red head came to the door. sti face was almost as red as his head with pas- on. ** What in thunder do you mean by pulling the bell in that manner, you infernal scoundrel?” he hurled at / McGuinness. McGuinness was getting reckless. “1 wanted to be sure that yez would hear me,” he explained. The irascible little man famed again. ; = **Here,’”’ he said to McGuinness’ guard, ‘who is this man?’ “He's a lunac,” came the prompt response, *A lunatic! Um—er—I don’t doubt it at all. He looks like a born maniac. What did he do?” “Runaway with a balloon.’’ “* What??? “ Yes, sir.” ** Where from?” ** Philadel phia.”’ “ Ye are a loiar!"’ promptly disputed McGuinness, ‘the balloon ran away wid mel” “That will do, sirl’’ thundered the dispenser of justice, “he looks mad enough to do anything. be- lieve he is crazy. Just march him inside.” Still under cover of the firearm, McGuinness was promenaded into a sort of temporary lock-up which Was at the rear of the building. It was a cheerffil apartment—very. That is for those who might like it. It was simply a large room, devoid of any otner furniture except grated bars, but a pair of old-fash- ioned English stocks, such as they use on the other side of the briny, and which was the pride of Justice Pepper's heart. He had bought them cheap at an auction, and never failed to make the most of them by locking up any- body whom he supposed it would be safe to. “He is crazy, that is certain,” decided the magis- trate. * Now,’? h@ continued, to the gunner, ‘* I must ask you to help me put him in it.” The gunner was perfectly willing. Despite McGuinness’ struggles he was incarcerated in the article of torture. } 2 And a fine looking object be was when the deed was one. “ Now, my man,” said Justice Pepper, in a milder tone of voice, ‘you might justas well tell us from what mad house you escaped.” “I tell ye, be Heavens,’’ angrily cried McGuinness, “that Iniver wurin alunatic asylum in me loife, that is not till I got here.” “ We'll see about that,’’ said the justice, as he left the room. Poor McGuinness. He presented a fine picture, But he was not left alone in his misery. It soon became noised around amongst the small boys that there was a lunatic in the stocks; a lunatic who being locked up could not hurt them. This was nuts for the boys. In they slid one ata time. McGuinness Appesled to them, “* Boys,”’ said he, “have ys hearts ?’? “Yah!"’ chorused the boys. “T ain't what I seem to be.” “Yer crazy,” declared one boy. * Crazy!” « “Yes. Fellers, let’s have some fun with him. I know where there is a whole lot of rotten eggs.” This speech was hailed with cheers, _A villainous idea is always sure to be caught on to. McGuinness felt that he was in for it, How he did pray that none of them would ever come back again, : This time his invocation did not work as well as it did in the balloon. The boys arrived. Armed with the hen-fruit of mature age and loath- some odor. Then the carnival began. The boys were skilled marksmen, and in a little while McGuinness was covered with the noxious con- tents of the eggs. Then sort of afraid of the consequences of the trick they had played they stole away. eanwhile, McGuinness’ family were, it is needless to say, almost worried to death about him. But they did not worry long. Byron Skitts telegraphed westward for traces of Mc- Guinness. One of the dispatches fell into the hands of the jus- tice of the peace. ; It read as follows: “* Look ont for a wealthy een by acci- dent, was carried away in a balloon, beral reward. Chiet of police of Philadelphia, Name of party wanted —McGuinness.” The worthy ladier out of punishments read it, It was his turn to pale, Having very little money himself, he entertained a great worship for wealth. His legs almost gave way under him. . lcltnes ha oon grounds to proces aga nness groun DP him for malfeasance in office. oo * Sa aS eM Mee Ses ea te ee He realized, however, that it was better to take the bull by the horns, So bracing himself up as well as he could, he en- tered Into the presence of the captive. But his mien was changed. He was as mild as some drooping little lily, He could not heip starting, though, at the comical appearance of McGuinness. McGuinness glared savagely at him. “What do ye come here for now, ye fiend?” he de- pee “to sind more young divils in to throw eggs at me “ Mr.—Mr. McGuinness,”’ he faltered, “I have made a mistake.” “A mistakel’’ savagely said McGuinness, *‘it is more. It is an outrage.” . ‘For which I will be only too glad to atone,” as- sured the official, ** by any means in my power.” McGuinness concluded'to play possum, He could get square afterward. \ y “Mistakes are loiable to happen,” he said, ‘‘ only for pity’s sake get me Out of this injernal machine.” The justice was only too ready. He summoned help and the prisoner was free. “Can I do anything else for you?” he iaterrogated, in honied accents. te Yis."* “ What??? ** Lind me a suit av clotbes ard a basin ay wather.” That, too, the justice did. Washed and dressed McGuinness felt better. “Have you any money??? next queried the chame- leon justice. “¢Plinty.”? ‘Then ] suppose ye want to start back to Philadel- phia at once.” “At wanst. What toime does the nixt thrain lave?” “Don’t mind the train. I will drive you to the city myself,” : “Toanks ?’? The Peppery one was as as his word, He hitched up, and before dark McGuinness was back in the Quaker City. He proceeded at once to the hotel. He found his family in their room in company with Mr. Skitts, They were bewailing his fate, for he listened at the door a little while before he went in. “ Poor Mike,”’ sobbed Mrs. McGuinness. **1?m afraid he’s a goner,’’ remarked Dan. “But, ma,’ said one of the twins, * we'll look reas nice in black, and won't we be heiresses f” ‘That was the last straw which broke the camel’s back. He burst into the room like a little fury. There was a general outcry Of surprise at his ap- arance. * Mike!” exclaimed Mrs, McGuinness, exhibiting strong symptoms of fainting. . “ Pal’? cried the twins in concert. “Yis, it is yez pal” savagely announced McGuin- ness, *‘as ye will very well foind lather.” “ What do you mean?” interrogated one of them. “ Ye will soon foind out, | said, Thad enough av yez acthions at the skating rink. To boarding-school ye go on the morrow.”* 3 They set up a wail. But it had no etfect. ane paternal heart was stee!ed against his dual off- spring. Mrs, McGuinness protested at first, but McGuinness put his foot down. When next the McGuinnesses resumed their trayel- ing for pleasure (%) the twins were not along. They were left. figuratively speaking, in the custody ot aregular fiend of a school-mistress, who made their young life a regular martyrdom. As for Dan, he was heartily pleased to see his father safe and sound, ~ “Hurray!” he yelled, with filial affection. “Now we will have some more fun with the old man!” * Look out,’ said McGuinness, in a softer voice, the lad was naturally his pet, * that the ould man don’t have some fun wid yez. Skitts ?”’ “* Well?’? queried the lawyer. * Have ye heard anything av that assassin ?’? “You mean Porker?”” “ Yis."? Mr. Skitts chuckled. He cracked his knuckles, which was u great habit he had when pleased at anything. “* Best joke of the season!’? he cackled. ® “What is?’ ** About Porker.”” * Where is the fat flend?? ‘* Just where he should be,’? ““ Where’s that?’” “The lunatic asylum.” “The mad-house?’”’” — “Yes, You see they fonnd out he did not have any money—he never liad—and so they locked him up in Ree asylum, where he is now with a shaved “Serves him roight,” commented McGuinness; ** he ought to have been hung. Skitts?”’ “ Yes, sir.’ ; “Ye will raysume charge av our diminished parthy at wanst.’’ “With pleasure. What are your plans?” “ Bounce all av the servants. I don’t need menials,” Mr. Skitts looked surprised. “ All?’ he queried, somewhat doubtfally. “TIvery wan. I have thried several ways ay thray- eling, have I not?” Mr. Skiva laughed. “ Yes,”’ he assented. ~ “ They have all proved failures ?”’ “Not electric successes, assuredly.” - 1 TOA ia ee atha.*. >. of C Ps ? yam
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Se MIKE McGUINNESS. **And me moind is made up that henceforth the cars are good enough for me.” Mr. Skitts in duty bound applauded the resolution. Sure of his own position, he did not. care @ conti- nental what became of the servants. Very guickly did he *‘ bounce the servants.”’ Of course they kicked. But what could they do? They had no written contracts, and Mr. Skitts only smiled ‘as he watched them depart, their wages paid to date, “ Ahem!? he said, “I have an idea that I am in favor again. But I'll maxe him pay for it. McGuin- ness, look out for your money-bags.”? Well, the programme was carried out. The twins were putata boarding »chool, the ser- vants bounced, and Mr. Skitts te? that once more he reigned supreme, “Well, you am bettah locking den youse fader. Ise’ll gib youse credit fo’ dat. Whatam | to do?’ Dan showed the porter the numbers which he had removed, ‘Just you crawl in his bertli and swear it belongs to you, that you are the help.” ‘But won’t he get mad??? “Who cares if he does. ‘ You play your part and heve is a cigar for you, too.”” A few more points did Dan give the porter, and then the plot was ripe. McGuinness sat up quite Jate smoking arter all the rest of his family had retired. By and by he came into the sleeper, He had bert a couple of commercial travelers play- ing euciier in the smoker, and he felt in a good- humor. in. Was de condnctah perfectly sober at de time? Sometimes he drinks a little too much an’ it goes right to bis head. Berth numbah tnirteen dey keep de coal an’ de wood in, L tole you.” ‘That settled it. McGuinness was furious, ~ This isan outrage!” he cried, im a loud tone of voice. His speech woke up several of the passengers, “What's the matter?” bawled somebody. “A dranken conducthoc has given me the box that they Kape the coal and wood in for me to slape in.”? The other passengers did not care a continental. Most of them were dropping off to sleep, and they did not care ifthe conductor had deposited McGuinness ontop of the stove for the night. They were angry at being disturbed. “Ob, shut up !? SS Y . \\ ae SESS = ™ WY \ N\ \ SSss SSS SS = The curtains were thrust aside. A black face and a woolly head confronted him. ‘‘ Wha’ do youse meun, white man?” indignantly asked the porter. it ain’t.” ‘* Whose is it?” ‘* Mine, ob course. A few days later they started for Omaha. McGuinness would not go anywhere nearer. “New York and Philadelphia has been bad luck to Me,” he averred. ‘ I'll take a long journey.”’ No event of particular importance occurred for the first day to McGuinness. But when it came time to retire he got in hot water through his hopeful son. That youth was a sly one. -He was not as stupid as he looked, and he never let @ chance fly by to put up a joke on his sire. The number of McGuinness’ berth was thirteen, = Dan unperceived took the little brass Ngures Then he rang in with the colored porter, whom he found whistling away at his work in mx own little den at one end of the car. ** Say, charcoal!” greeted Dan, ‘‘ want to make a stake? The coon grinned. “Dat’s me, youn gg 8 replied. ‘“ What am de Dature ob de service to be performed.” ‘ Was? ga he colored gent! i . ?? gasped the colored gentleman, opening his eyes wide. *‘I done can’t do it. I’ve got all my work fo’ to do befo’ mawning.”’ Dan held upa bill. = Money talks. “Just you do as I say,’’ he requested. “ You've —— 3 little sawed-off gentleman floating around re : ** Sort ob crazy like. Ain’t you his son?” ~“ Yea." He walked down the aisle of the sleeper looking 8 the numbers, They were allright. With one exception. A most important one, He could fine no berth labeled thirteen. Presently, though, he espied what appeared to be a vacant berth with Do number at all on if. “That's it!” he said. “The number has probably fallen off.”? Acting on this supposition, he began to clamber into it. He did not get far. The curtains were threst aside. A black face and a woolly head confronted him. “Wha’ do youse mean, white — indignantly asked the porter, who was occupying if. *Ain’t This berth” number thirteen?’? asked Mc- Gainness. * Deedy and it ain’t.” “ Whose is it?”’ “Mine, ob course. Iam de porter, and dis is my own berth!”’ he shouted. : ** But where te a thirteen?’ The porter looked serious, sf Who tole youse to take berth thirteen ?” “The conductor, av course.” “Snuah youse ain’t dreaming?” “ Why bot) ~ * Dar ain’t any berth numbah thirteen. “There ain't?” *“No.’? “ How’s that?’ ‘ “Its just a dummy dat dey keep de coal an’ wood ‘** Ain’t this berth number thirteen?” asked McGuinness. I am de porter, and dis is my own berth!” he shouted. <* Deedy and “Sleep on the floor !’? “Sit up all night !? ’ “ Go out on the platform and cool off ’? “Take a drink of ice water !”” “Go soak your head !? a So they yelled. But McGuinness wouldr’tshct up. “{Us an outrage,’ he roarea. “The conductor ought to be sent to State prison for obtaining me money undher false pretenses.”” His fellow travelers tried a new move to make him hold his tongue. One man who was suffering from the neuralgia started it. He leaned down and picked up one of his shoes. “ Will you dry up?” he asked, “ Indade, and I won’t.”” “ Once!”? “Tl kick if I like.”? “Twice!” “*Me tongue is me own.”? “Three times you have had fair warning. Boys?” “What? chorused the others. “ Bombard bim! Slug the gorilla!” The mischievous idea was canght onto in a minute. Instantly the air was full of flying boots and shoes, for a bad example is very contegious. Poor McGuinness danced up and down, vainly try- ing to dodge the missiles, He had but little success, Whack!) A boot hit him upon the thigh. Thud! ‘A shoe took him in the stomach,
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246 MIKE McGUINNESS. Bang! A big boot of the cowhide style of architecture caught him just below the belt. It donbled him up like a hinge. “Ye cowards!” he yelled, as he recovered his wind a litile, “ye are loike wolves. Ye foight only in packs. Bedad, one at a toime, [ could lick the lot av ye.” This challenge only raised another hubbub. The shower of missiles was redoubled. MeGuinness got it hotter than he did before until he was forced toshut up to save his life, fora boot whizzed dangerously past his head. Then asudden idea came to him. He went back to the berth occupied by the porter. “ To save ine loife,” he said, ‘‘{ will make a bar- gain wid yez.” ** What?’’ asked the porter. “I'll pay ye fur your berth.”’ The porter saw a good chance fora strike. He yawned. , “Boss,” said he, “ I’se pow’fal sleepy. What am it wuth?’’ * A dollar.” “Kain’t doit. Five is de price."’ ‘For Heaven’s sake.’" camein chorus from the rest in the sleeper, “ give him five and shut up or we will Jay you out again.” McGuinness saw he was at the porter’s mercy. He produced the required amount and as the por- ter crawled out of the berth McGuinness crawled in. “It seems, bedad, as if me enjoyment wud niver diminish,” he groaned; “sometimes 1 wish I wur back on the rocks.” PART XII. Pretry soon the conductor came along, swinging his lantern. He nudged McGuinness. Flashing the lantern in his face, he demanded: “ Tickets,”? McGuinness was ready for the fray. “ What do ye mane?’ he asked, in accents not at all @micable. The conductor punched the tickets. “* What do I mean about what?” he queried. “ Giving me a dammy berth.’’ “A dummy berth?” “ Yis.” “Seems to meit is my turn to ask you what you mean? What is the matter with this berth ?”’ **I had to purchase it.” “Doubtless you did. You bought it from me once. Who else sold it to you?” “The naygur.” ¥*You mean the porter?” “ He had no right to sell it.” * He hadn’t?” “Now? *“ But share he said it was his, and that the berth you had given me were naught but a dummy that they kept the coal and wood in.” ticket-puncher began to smell a mouse. “T guess this_is your berth fast enough,” he said, * only somebody has been playing rats on you.” - “* They have?” “ Yes.” . - “Do you suppose they give a big Liack coon like | ¥ hima berth? He ought to ing np. This is your berth.” rot Itis?” “* Yes."? “Bat there ain’t any number on it.’? st reason why.”* “Why?” “Somebody, to have some fun with you, has re- moved the numbers.’’ “They havev” ~ oe Yes.” An ominons look came into McGuinness’ e “TI wad loike to foind oat the wan who did it—but ye bet I have made up-me moind to wan thing.” “ What?" z “Ill kick the staffings out av that colored porter! Ye — to loikewise.”” Decoidedly. It is a folne reputathion he is giving e.”? “ What did he say ?”’ “He towld me that and did not know w Man.” That touched the conductor on a tender spot. Like most railroad meu, he was an ardent temper- snce man. ’ “He said that, did he?’ repeated the conductor. “ Yea, sir.” “That settles him. Ill break every bone in his black body. Just wait a minate.” The conductor left the car. He invaded the den of the porter. That coffee-colored gentleman was bard at work polishing up the boots and shoes for the morning and singing in a low tone of voice: “Early in de mawning, at de break ob day, Playing on a corn-cob bed, 4 Little piccaninny, bawn in ole Vahginny, Bress de day dat —” He stopped right there. The conductor grabbed him by the collar. He gave hima Mr aw of vigorous humps with his knee below his spinal colamn. The porter was overwhelmed with surprise. “G’ way—g' way.darl Lud me alone!” he yelled. “Ob, yes, 1 will when I kick some of thelies out of ou. > / - A “Luff me alone. What did I lie bout?” thankful to sleep stand- wur dhrunk a!l av the toime, you wus stowing away a “You thought it was comical, didn’t you?” * Comical to do fo’ what??* * Play tricks on that gentleman—you know which sep the berth, and lie about me. I'm drunk, am 1?" The porter grinned. He had made up his mind how to act. “ Stop dat humping, Mistah Jones,” he said. ‘‘ and I done tole youse de whole trufe. I was only having a@ little fan.” The conductor relaxed his grasp. ** Out with it!" he ordered. ** Dat boy am de debbel.”’ “What boy?” ** De ole man’s son.”’ > ‘* What did he have to do about it?” “He hired me fo’ to put up de job on ole McGuin- “ He did?” * Dead fac’, sah.” “ Confound him, I’ll teach him to get folks into trouble!” “ Doan’t, sah.?” “ Why not?” f * Youse nebber get any credit fo’ interferin’ in fam- ily quarrels. ‘Sides, it wasn’t quite square in me to squeal on de boy.’’ The conductor winked. A wink of great penetration. : “ You are a double-header,’’ he said. ‘Now you will go and work the kid for not splitting on him.” “ Such a thing am possible.’’ ** Meanwhile, fork over.”” “ What?* : “The money you robbed McGuinness of.” ** Money ?” “ Yes.” “ What money ?? ** Come, don’t play possum, I know all.” It wrenched the ebon schemer’s heartstrings to make good. He deemed it his best plan, though. “Nebber mind,’ he soliloquized. back from de kid.” The conductor tucked away the boodle, which he gave to McGuinness later on, And he also decided not to interfere any further. He would let the matter drop ‘ust where it was. Only to one thing did he resolve. Now that he was posted on Dan to look out for him. It was all in the family, anyway. MveGuinness being assured that the porter had been duly punisted for his funny business, concluded that he would be magnanimous and forgive him, although he made sundry passes at that sable servitor, which caused the coon to flee for his life. Next morning Dan was up and floating throughout the train after they had stopped at a station and had the usual ‘‘ twenty minute’s refreshments.” He drifted into the baggage car. Seated in camp-chairs about a curious lookin box of tin, which was half full of water, were a lot o commercial travelers. ; ver was curious, of course, to see what was on the ‘apis. Not being ofa bashfal disposition, he did not hesi- tate to inv te. The “drummers”? winked as they beheld the ‘outh, : “Bet he can’t do it,’? said one gentleman in the jewelry line. “Bet he can,’? replied the young man for a hard- ware firm. * Say he can.”” ** Say be can’t.’? “Por how much?” “A fiver.’ “ Make it ten.’ “Tweoaty, if on please.” . A member of the group called Dan, od Here, young ’un,”’ said he, “come up here to the Xx. Dan got closer than ever to the box. “*What for?” asked he. “'There’s an eel in there. See ?’’ Sure enough, the boy beheld a curious sort of an eel swimming around lazily. “ Yes, sir,”’ said Dan. “* Well, we've made a bet.” “ A bet?” “Yes, I bet that you can’t lift that eel ont of that bex in three tries.” “* Why noc?” “Eels are slippery customers,” capped in one of the gang. “I've lox about half a week’s sal and com- mish trying to pick it up. Your hands, though, look just rough enough to do ir.” “You do do it,’ said Dan’s backer, ‘ and I’ll make you a present,” ; There could be no harm in trying. He pulled his sleeves up as far as ble. It looked coat to oo that eel in a corner of the box and yank m ou The drummers were silent as he plunged bis hand in the box to corral the ee). They did not remain mute long. Dan boldly touched the eel. The next minute he staggered back. He felt almost as if he had been struck by lightning. He was thrilled in every pore. ** Water! water!’ he gasped, ‘itis on fire!’?. The drummers were a good-natured set, and one of them gave him something out of a black bottle which revived him, “Tse'll get it celebrated electric eel found in the waters of South America and other foreign countries. Itis warranted to excite emotion in the most languid.” Dan was a thoroughbred. He wasn’t the one to whimper. Especially as he had the dollar, and the shock was leaving his dish iat “Say, gents,’ he said, forcing a smile, “1 can ¢e ajoke. lain’t no kicker.” = : sa This speech made him solid with the gang. ** Good boy.”” * You're a tlump.”? “No calf in you.”? ** He's a regular little man.’? “* More than his dad, I bet.” Pe last speaker suddenly appeared to recognize an. “ Say, my son,”’ asked he, “ you cwn a dad?” ** Yes, sir.” “The Castilian, ain’t it, who kicked up the muss in the sleeper last night ?? ‘Yes, sir.’? “ Boy bau) ** Yes, sir.’? “You are deeply attached to the author of your be- ing, ain’t you?” ** Course,” “You would heartily dislike to play a trick on him —say like this?” Dan saw at once that they were chafting him. “Oh, come,” he said, “ what are you giving me? Do you want me to rope dad in on the eel racket? If 80, Say sO. What's it worth to rope the old man in?"? *“ Biz clear through,’? approved the other. “ We'll re) you another collar to bunco your dad on the eel. Dan agreed, “ But promise one thing,” he begged. “ Fire away.” * You won’t peach on me to dad ?” There came an indignant chorus of denial. “ We're white, we are,” they averred. “ But,” asked Dan, * who does the eel belong tof"? A jolly-looking German, who looked like a medical man. spoke up. ‘“Nefer mind, mein son,” he said, “dey vosalli fool- ed toc. Dot vos my elecdrical eel, und I guess dey dinks dot dey had better leave dot leedie pet alone, und not go blaying monkey peezness mit it.” , “ That is so, professor,” laughed the rascals. ** What is your name, young ’un ?”” - Dan.” “Good name.” “ Thanks.”? “ Well, now, Dan??? “ Yes, sir.” “Prepare to do the bunco on your illustrious pro- genitor.” Dan returned to the sleeper, which was all made up now. He found his father smoking away. “ Where wur ye?’’ he ask “¢In the baggare car,”’ answered Dan. “What doing?” “Making money.” “4 “Oh, ho, and how?” “T went into the ba car, an’ there was a lot of these fresh ducks that they call drummers.” “Have we a band on board ?”? Ter No, Vother sort of drammers. Commercial tray- elers. m “ Kape bhi aNd thim, me boy, they are naught but villains, an av them has been thrying to sell me a patent apple-parer. If he comes around here any more pesthering av me, bedad if I don’t buy wan to get square on him, But how did ye make the money ?”’ ** Out of the drummers.” ““Dan McGuinness,”’ said the old gentleman, “Iuk Me in the eye, forlam afraid ye are falsifying. I niver knew any wan yet to make anything out avy a drummer.’? “T did.” ° “ How?’ * Catching an eel.’’ McGuinness looked aghast. “ Come here,” he ordered. , The lad hd Ea “ Didn’t I always tell ye to spake the truth?” ‘ Tan wat a by lying?” * Thin w io ye mane n wT eine” y y lying * Ye are,” **I can prove that there is an eel in the car, and it was out of the drummers that 1 made my money. “ Shure, it is a quare combinathion, eels and druam- rate Dan. 1 have fears that yez moind is wandher- ng.’? r sa it ain’t. You can catch the eel just as well as did.” ** Where is the baste—is it stuffed ?"" * No, alive and in a tank.”’ Bye, ye are plump offavyez nut, What isa loive eel doing in a bugguge-car? The railroad companies either carry thim sthuffed or on oice.”” “But some old professor has got thisone. Itis some sort of an educated eel, and it is dificult to pick up out of the water.” **Some thrick ?’? “ Yes.”? “ What? **You have heard of an Insect called the mud-wasp, “ Here,”’ said one of them, throwing him a dollar. ; have you not?” “ We've had a dollar’s worth of fun out of you.” . _ what als oe pec apr ae ce ¥ 8on,’? replied one of t ers, gravel you are not versed In the wonders of nature, This is the “Tare say. but most av me botanical knowledge has lift me moind since I lift college.’ - “ Well, this eel and the nettle are something alike. You must not be afraid of them, All you have got to
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MIKE McGUINNESS dois to grasp them firmly. One stings and tne other shocks.”” “How by?” 7 “One with its stinger and the other by electricity.” * Blecthricity ?”? “Yes, sir.” “ Getout.’” “The eel of which I speak is perfectly harmless if he’s handled right. Just grab him firmly, and Ill tell you, if you whack up with me, how to work the racket ‘and skin the drummers.’ ?? “Ye will?) “Honest.? “Dan. ye are me own flesh and blood. How do I victhimize the dhrummers ?”” * First you put sand on your hand.” “Where will I get the sand? We are not at Coney Tsland.”” “ Oh, the rear brakeman always carries sand,” “ What for?” 7 “He throws it upon the truck under the cars to pre- vent slip. ing of the wheels; that is in rainy weather.”’ o cree “Are yein wid him?” Yes.” * And ye are certhain sand will not allow the eel to paralyze me?” e “Yes, dad.” “Then broibe the brakeman to let ye have some.,’’ The rear brakeman and his sand was a little fiction On Pan’s part, but he had noticed in a second-class car a stove which had what is vulgarly called a ‘* spit- box ” filled with sand. i v He went to it aud obtained a handful. , * Here, dad,’’ he said, on his return to the old gen- tleman. ‘Now brace up; put the sandin your pock- 6t, and we'll see if we can’t catch the Smarties.” “But how,” inquired McGuinness, “will I get a chance to stick the rapparees? Maybe they won’t ask Mie to be a sucker... But howld on, Dan,” “Yes, sir,” _ “How did qe come to know about the affiliathion betwane sand and an electhric eel?” * Learnt it at school.’’ * Good for ye, Dan. Schooling is a greatthing, and Tonly regret now that lever loaned ye outto kape Watch over Mrs. Finnegan’s geese on the rocks instead av making a scholar av he and sinding ye to Yale. Yes, educathion is a great thing. By and by, if ye are a Jad, it is sind ye.to Yale willl. , I will bet that ye will uate head ay the foot-ball team,”” “That's all right,” assented Dan. “* Now let’s go find do ’em up.” - McGuinness, like the famous Barkis, ‘ was willin’.”” He was bound to get square on’ somebody for the fon that sémebody had had with him. McGuinness and his hopeful scion. went into the baggage car. ere were the drummers. There was the tank. « Also the eel. McGuinness sauntered in as if he and Dan were perfect strangers. : The drummers were making a circle around the tank, watching it with great apparent interest, said interest being doubled as they beheld the two Mc- Guinnesses enter. = McGuinness knew one of them, having scraped his acquaintance on the train. * Hello, sirl’? he saluted, “* Hello yourself!” answered the one accosted, “What are ye lukking at??? ‘ * Electricity.”’ “ where??? - 5 “Tn that eel.” Tn that eel?” ** Yes.!? z “ What av it?” “A good deal of it.”? * How?” “ Touch him and see.” “ What will he do?” “ Paralyze you!” McGuinness smiled. Incredulously. “ That is nonsense,” he announced. A chorus of dissent arose. “What are you giving me?” “You're off your base.” “Nobody can pick up that eel.”” “That is without being struck half-dead or almost wholly so for life.’”” \ McGuinness retained his serene smile. Indeed, it grew more serene. “Gentlemen,” he remarked, “several years ago I wur in South Ameriky.” “Hear! hear!’ yelled the gang. “I raycognoize the eel.’’ ** Hear! hear!” “Many a teime have I plucked thim wid me un- gloved fist from the Caribbean Ocean.” “ Hear! hear\’? “There is only one way to pick them up.” “ What's that?” Mes Le <<, All rolght, gentlemen,” McGuinness remarked, ye may th fairly hugged themselves with joy as they be- tim drop into the trap 80 easy, d ; held 8 You're giving us a fish story, or an eel story, er.” “If you pick up the reptile you’re a good one.” * You're sure of a date at any dime museum.” *“*] don’t believe a word of it.”” “ Me neither.’? _* We've been there and ought to know.” * Impossible.” McGuinness considered he had them hooked. “Ye may scolf at me if ye plaze,’’ he said; ‘‘ wind is cheap.” * And that is just about what your statement about picking up that eel amounts to-—-wind,” observed a drummer, McGuinness felt he had them now. It was a regular challenge. “Ye may doubt me if ye plaze,” he remarked, ‘but I have money to back me wurruds wid.” Oh, how the drummers snapped him up. They ail wanted to be in the swim, * ]’il take five dollars’ worth of it that you can’t pick up the eel,’’? exclaimed one. ** Me too,” said a second. * And 1,) declared a third.. ** Give me a Slice of the bet,”’ begged a fourth. “1m with you,’? promised a fifth. “ Count me,’”? yearned a sixth. McGuinness began to weaken a little. The bets were coming in tou numerous, and besides, what if Dan was only giving him a stiff? ‘But no,” he mentally said; ‘* bad as_he is, he wud never put up a job on me loike that, Shure it wud be unnathural for him to do so, more especially as I am giving him whack. “Hould on!’ he exclaimed. ‘Iam nota mint. Pll take a couple av yez.”” This was at last, after a good deal of mock squab- bling, upon. , Two drummers put up five dollars each in the hands of a third, and McGuinness covered the amount. He meant to sequester that eel in fatigue uniform, 80 to speak. So he removed his hat, coat and vest, and rolled up his right shirt sleeve. : He epretet es the tank. The drummers grew facetious. They chaffed him. * Good-bye, old man.” “ What sort ofa coffin do you prefer?” Funeral public or private?” Will we omit flowers ?”” * Gan I look after the widow ?” ‘** How many horses will you have te the hearse ?”” “ Will the dynamiters turn out?” “That's all roight,”? smiled McGuinness, with an ef- fort. “They laugh the loudest who laugh the last.” McGuinness obtained his sand. : Bravely he went to the tank. There was his finny opponent swimming around lazily, and looking perfectly harmless. He made one clutch at the eel. That little joker was there. Every time. é Dull and inert, he just floated near the surface of the water. But the dullness and inertness was all put on. The eel was a sort of confidence fish, and was waiting for his victim. And when he felt McGninness grab him he knew that some countryman had bit. Instantly he set his electricity to work. Poor McGuinness, He got a good deal worse dose of these curious fishes electrical powers than Dan had received. He was nearly knocked off of his pins. “Help! help!”? he panted, “I’m on foire. Put me out, somebody!” His appeal suggested to a depraved commercial traveler to take him at his word. Seizing the fire-extinguisher, which stood in one corner, he turned it on at poor McGuinness, The stream of chemicals struck McGuinness plump omsthe face, knocking him from his feet. Verily, he was traveling for pleasure with a venge- ance. PART XIII. Tae drummers, like all of their class, were a good- natured set of fellows. They went in for fan, but not for malice. Their bets with McGuinness were all blinds on their art. : They knew very well that the sawed-off httle Irish- man could no more pick up that eel than he could grow hair on his teeth. They did not mean to take a wom of his money; they only wanted to have a little fun with him. And they had it. : How they did guy him. * You was in South Americal” “You know all about electric eels!” “Thought he had got them down to a fine point!” “Serves him right for prevaricating?” * Always Stick to the trath, old man!” * You're too old to peddle fairy stories!” “Ought to be thinking of something else at your time of life!’ ‘© Pity you was not shocked to death?” What could McGuinness do but grin and bearit? And the drummer with the fire-extinguisher soon let up on him. The result of the dousing was to take a good deal of the electric shock Ont of him. Soon he was almost himself again. Gentlemen,” said he,“I give in. The wealth is ” - Then they gave him the laugh. “ Keep your money.” made evident to his mind he felt like kicking himself * Put it back.” “ We ain’t skins,’? **No burso business about us,”? Then they grinned more than ever, * McGuinness could not tumble to the sItuationm, He endeavored to seek an explanution. But the drummers would hot give Dan away. So McGuinness was more perplexed .than eyer, al- theugh he did have a slight suspicion of Dan, but that. young gentleman looked as innovent as it oleomarga- rine would not melt in his mouth. To make sure, though, he came plump out like the great mickaroon that he sometimes was. “| belave,” said he, ‘“‘that me son here knows. something about this affair.”? “ Why ?? asked a conspirator, ** What do ye suppose he towla me?" ** What??? “To pul sand on me hands,” - Sand pe “ Yis.”” * What for?” : eh ““ He said ifI came wid sandin my hand that the electhricithy wud be counteracted in the eel.” The drummers looked sober as tombstones. “\He was right.’” ‘* Perfectly correct.” ‘“* Everybody who is acquainted with the habits of the electric eel knows that to be a fact,”? McGuinness wasu't satisfied yet. “ How war it, then, that the sand did not worruk as he told me?” They had their replies ready. ** You were afraid.’? “You didn’t hold the eel tight enough.”? £ pe ropeiay you were neryous and dropped the sand. * Wouldn't be at all surprised if you made a mis- sake and got sawdust instead of sand.” “Might have been a handful of cigar ashes,” : “You're too nervous, anyway, to know what you are talking about.” * Just sit down and cool off.” 3 NCGaaes could but take all their chaff without return. a after a little while he went back and joined his amily. Mrs. McGuinness’ wifely eye saw that something was amiss with her husband, ; ** Where were ye?” asked she. ** Having fan,”? he ironically repiied. “Fan! “ Yis.”’ . “Ye don't look loike it, Ye seem to be all broke FY Maybe I am. Lhaye cause to be,” “ Why pr ** Some cares put up a job on me,” * They : bad cess to thim,’? “What did they dor? —~ McGuinness ted the story of his trials and tribulations. 4 “It wur bad enongh to be shocked nearly apart b an electhric eel, but the climax came whin they thried to drowned me wid chemicals.”’ “ You must have been in hard luck, Mac,’’ smiled Mr. Skitts. ‘* Somehow or another, you seem bound to catch all of the fun that is on the fly.’? ** Oh, that’s me ivery toime. I am enjoying mesilf loike a@ lord. an’ smelling from those confounded chemicals loikea skunk.’ “Oh, never mind,” consoled Mr. Skitts, “it is always darkest just before the dawn, and every cloud has a silver lining.” “Shure!” averred McGuinness. thing.’ “ What?’ * T will have to have a silver loining or some other koind put in me coat.” “ What for?" “The chemicals have spoiled the ould wan.” “You had not ought to care. You have trunks enough.” “Appearances, Skitts, are deceitful. How do ye know but what the thrunks are devoid av contints?”? “ That they are empty?” i “But what in the name of common sense are you carrying along a lot of empty trunks for?’’ a “T know wan “ Bekase [ mane to turn smuggler. Sh!” oe aye ] : ; “ Don’t give it away.” “What A y: “The thrunks have false bottoms, an’ whin we go to Canada I will make me ixpenses sm lace. “ But we are not going to Canada,” * Yis, we are.’” “ When?” **On our way back from the Pacific slope, for I guess I will conclude to go all the way through to the Gold- en Gate. Mr. Skitts groaned. “Mac,” said he, “you ought to have ipa ss you must. be off your nut.” “Why “ Here you've got to pay for some of those trunks as extra baggage, ain’t you??? * Al ay them.?? “From Philadelphia right through?” “ ats < “ Why, you superb idiot, if I must call you so, you eee beside cutting off your hain’? w “Could you not have just as well got the trunks in San Francisco and saved paying thelr fare?” 5 “McGuinness hagin’t thought of that. But when the sense of Mr. Skitts’ remarks were your head
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MIKE McGUINNESS. a Bedad!” he vowed, “I'll make amends for me y-" “How?” queried Mr. Skitts. “I'll have all me thrunks put off at some way sta- tton and stored.” “Which would be a very sensible thing to do, and as gran as your inspirations are generally. You might justas well let them ride at your expense, for Teally i don’t see what else you can do, except hold an auction.” Mr. McGuinness took the joke in earnest. “Shure, I moight do it,?? he said; ““ wud ye have ‘want’! Mr, Skitts laughed, “ Not now, anyhow,” he answered. *‘‘ We'll leave the trunk question till Jater, till I see if I can’t think of some way of getting rid of them without loss.” MeGuinness shook his head, *“Arrah, Danny, ye can’t give me any taffy loike that,” said he, ss xoe.donts believe what I say??? * No. * All right; I only hope one thing.’? ** What’s that?” “They don’t get hold of you.” “ Niver fear, bye, 1 guess 1 can take care of myself.”’ * All right; only hope you can.” With that the conversation closed. Back went Dan to his friends, the drummers. “ Boys?” said he. ** Well?” said one of them. “ Want to come in for some more fun?’ “Who with?” * His nibbs.’? I WY Hit Hui They entered into the scbeme with enthusiasm. Another racket on McGuinness, Fate in throwing lim in their way had most assur- edly served to while away the tedium of the trip, for most of them were going long distances. The drummers consulted. * I’ve got a domino which will hide your face,” said Gus Herty, one of them. ** And 1,”? volunteered a second, who traveled for & hardware firm, ‘*‘ will give you a small cannon and also a dark-lantern.” t “ Thanks, ever so much,’ said Dan. ‘Now you know it is the old man’s custom, after he gorges him- self ata meal, to come in the smoker and lay of while he pulls away at his cigar. Just you get me the traps when the time comes and I will show you TT wnt r \ HUM We presented such a comical sight when he got on the seat that Dan had hard work to keep from laughing. He did not, however, and ordered gruffly: ‘‘Let the concert proceed.” ~ “Do 80,” begged McGuinness, ‘‘and it is mesilf who will. always thank ye. and perhaps make ye some little souvenir av a prisint in whatme daugh- ther calis broken back, or something loike that. This stuff, ye know, that is dug out av buried cities which get buried in lava whin the volcanoes adjacent tothim low up.” “ All right,” said Mr. Skitts, trying hard to keep his countenance, “I'll be ever so much obligec.” Meanwhile, Dan was sore. He considered that his father had not acted at all square to him in the eel episode. ** See if I don’t get square on kim,’ he muttered. He was one of his word. But he did not let his father know he had his back up. Mie had resolved, with the assistance of his friends the drummers, to put up another little pleasant sur- prise on the author of his being. Therefore he dissembled. : . “Say, pop,’’ he said, ‘‘there is one thing riding by rail that I don’t cotton to.”’ : : * An’ what may that be?’ queried McGuinness. *Train-robbers.”’ “Thrain-robbers! What do ye mane?’ «IT was told that there was a regular sort of Jesse James gang working this railroad.” ; “Is that so? “Oh, it goes. I got it straight from one of the drummers.” McGuinness grew interested. = dame leurs ibe ta sr having opped “Come right throug cars after stop) the train, and go through every one.” “Rob thim?? ” Yes.” “Your respected dad?” ru Yes.”” Would they? Well, wouldn’t they? Anything to relieve the tedium of the journey, for most of them were going a long distance, * What is it?’’ “ Give it to us!”? * Don’t keep us in suspenders!” “ Relieve our anxiety!” ** Ejaculate it!” Dan proceeded to do so. “1 have been giving dad another fiction.” * Good for you, What is it?” * Train-robbers."” ““Train-robbers #’ queried the lively New York drummer, who was as full of mischief as an egg of Lene and whose name was Gus Herty. Yes,” “ How do you mean to work it?’? “Easy enough. Dildo it.” “You?” “ Yes.”* * How ?” “Vil be the robber, if you boys will only fake me Would they? Wouldn't they. In Dan’s respected father they had desoried what in the vernacular of the road is called a“ first-trip- r.?” * We're with you,” came the response. “ Thanks,’’ responded Dan, “ but first I will have to be a borrower.’’ “ What of?” = _* An outfit suitable for a gay railway free-booter.”’ a acircus. Only, of course, you fellows have got to skip out.’ That they readily agreed to, and the train-hands were posted and requested not to interfere, which they did not, They liked a joke as good as the next one, although they might be thé servitors of a grasp- ing monopoly. - Therefore, it was much to McGuinness’ surprise when he entered the smoking-car he found it vacant. He was its only occupant. He wondered at it. But not long. “It is playing faro are they in the baggage-car,” accounted he for their absence. His cigar happened to be a good one, and that put bim in a good bumor—at Jeast temporarily. “They are all playing at 2 he soliloquized, “and it is me ardent wish thativery wan av thim will have to borry money to do it wid, though not a cint wud wan get from me.” He sat there for quite along while. ans drummers were helping Dan make up mean- while. “Me lad, afther all, ain’t such a bad wan,” he so- liloquized, ‘but he nades pruning down oeccasion- - ally. A vacathion thrip to asalt moine in Russia wud not hurt him.’” The cigar, as we said before, was no ranker, and he gradvally felt more at ease, “Dan,’? he said, “ ought to get six months for his taffy about thrain-robbers. IfI foind it out to be an- other eel ficthion I'll skin him. They can’t make me belaye that there are thrasn-robbers now.’’ So he sat and puffed away in contentment, But not for long. ¢
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The jokers did not mean to leave him thus at peace with himself. They had “faked *? Dan up in grand style. When he entered the car he did it softly as possible. But not so softly but that his father beheld him at once. Where was McGuinness’ disbelief in train-robbers now? Here was one. Sure as Fate. That is, if all the illusions surrounding a train-rob- ber should go. To carry out the joke the farther. they had provided fim with’a dark-lantern to enhance the spectacular erfect, probably, though what good a dark-luntern was in daytime they did not pause to consider, Bat it had its effect *-allee samee.’’ . ** Hands up!’ requested Dan, in as hoarse a voice as he could assume. McGuinness felt a cold chill come over him. Here was a veritable train-robber. Pistol] and even dark-lantern, McGuinness never stopping to consider the absurdity of a dark-lantern in daytime. His hair stood on an end. He wished that he was far away from where he was. “‘H-hey!”? he stammered, while he could feel the “nr fear-drops make their appearance on his fore- ea : He waved Dan off. “ Wh-wh-who you?” asked he. Dan flourished the pistol. *Tam Captain Mud,’ he announced. **Capthain Mud?” repeated McGuinness, “Yes.” > ““Wh-what do ye do?’ “That you will find out very soon, I man of the road.”’ “Thin why didn’t ye stay there??? “There is no use shouting for help, for the train is in the possession of my confederates. Give me your watch and chain!” “| ran’..”” “Why not?’ * Ain’t I got me hands in the air?’t. “You can take one of them down.” That was true. ~ Seeing it was no use of subterfuging, he obeyed the mandate, He putone hand down, and delivered the jewelry required. * Now your boodle,”’ “I —I left it all in my berth.” The pistol was fairly shoved under McGuinness’ nose this time. McGuinness recoiled. “Luk out; it might go off,” whined he, “You're right, pard, That is what it will do ifyou ¥ don’t mind me in everything.” Reluctantly McGuinness delivered what money he had in his clothes, which was not much, as Mrs, Mc- Guinness was cashier of the family. Dan frowned as he counted the amount. He looked flercer than ever. “You are a nice pill,’ he thundered. “ Wh—why? whispered McGuinness, “ You're worse than a confidence man.” “ H—how?” * Putting on such blasted lugs onnothin’, Take off your coat.’” * Me coat??? o Yes.’ * Ye don’t want that?” “ But { do.” v Off came the coat. ** Put it on the floor.’? The mandate was obeyed. “ Your vest.?? That also was deposited. * Now,’* said Dan, “‘ because yer have turned out = a skin, | mean to have some fun with you.” un! Atthe sound of the word McGuinness could have killed the joker. He was nota hog. ’ Surely he had had all the “fun” (?) he wanted. But he realized that he was at the bandit’s mercy. He had heard the words. \ It was best for him to-obey. He tried to calm down a little. > * What is yez oidea av tun?’ interrogated he. * My father was a nigger-munstrel and my mother a song-and-dance lady.” “What dolcare if yezould man wur the woild man.av Borneo—faix, I wish I wur in Borneo noew— and yez ould woman a Circassian girl.” * That will do. Al I want you to do is dance,” * Dance?! Yes, sir.” 3 ‘+ Share, I ain’t shook a hoof in years. 7 “The more reason you should-now. the seat.’” ~ The seat ?"? “ Didn't I say it??? “ What's the matter.wid the flure ?’” “No back talk. Do as I say. Ilove to see a good variety act, for you look asif you was just fitted ty nature for a variety act.’” “ What do ye want me to do?” “Dance, didn’t I tell you,before?_ And I also want -you to sing.”? - Sing? 4 “* Didn’t I say it?" “ Butit is ont av the questhion.” “ Why?” “ I can’t,?*- ~~“ No tatty. Get upon that seat and let the festivities ~@ventuate.”” . ~~ McGuinness was in a hole. am a gentle- Get upon MIKE McGUINNESS. He was, or rather thought that he was, completely at the seeming villain’s mercy. He presented Such a comical sight when he got on ue seat that Dan had hard work to keep from laugh- ng. He did not, however, and ordered gruffly: “« Let the concert proceed.”’ McGuinness tried to gain time. Surely the whole train could not be in the hands of he oatlaws, Help must come sooner or later, He began parleying with Dan. * “ What will I sing?” he queried. * Anything.” “ But J only know wan song.” * Sing that.” : ‘* But maybe ye have heard it?” ‘*T don’t care if 1 have. . Warble it.” “ But it’s a chestnut?” “You'll be about as lively as a chestnut if you don’t twitter soon. What is the song?” “Tim Finnegan’s Wake.’” “Good! I ain’t heard that for years. ‘Let her go.” McGuinness mounted the seat. * Begin!”? mandated Dan. McGuinness surmounted the seat. « “ Now do your best, cully,’? adjured Dan. McGuinness was a sweet singer. Almost as fine a vocalist as a bull-frog. He was, likewise, a hefty dancer. But he was in for it. Ifhe had ever heard the old proverb to the effect that a bird who can sing, but won’t sing, must be made to sing, he realized its truthfulness now. Tim Finnegan’s Wake is supposed to be a comic song. McGuinness made it comic. Very much so. He sounded like some corpse temporarily galvan- ized into life. “Tim Finnegan lived in Walker sthreet, An Irish jintleman, moighty odd; He’d a beautiful brogue so rich and swate. And to 1oise in the wurruld he carried a kod.” “Good,” applauded Dan; **you’d make your fore tune, cully, not on shape, but voice, Sing it faster.’ “Ain’t isinging it as fastasI can now?” growled McGuinness, ‘ “ What did I tell you? No chin-music except in the way of song.” a McGuinness, perforce, had to continue his vocaliza- on. “Wan morning Tim felt rather full, His head felt heavy, which made him shake. He fe!l from a ladder and bhroke bis skull, And they carried him home his corpse to wake.’’ “Now,” grinned Dan, “do the chorus. Do your best. Remember the chorus is the best part of i. There is where everybody joins in. And while you are sing- ing the chorus you must dance, of course.”’ There was no use of McGuinness’ acting ugly. The bandit had the bulge on him. So McGuinness sang the chorus: “ Whack, hurrah, hurrah for Finnegan, Welt the flure yez throtters shake, Isn’t it the truth I’m given yez, Lots av fun at Finregan’s wake.” McGuinness felt that he had no alternative but to obey. It is not at all pleasant to face the frowning muzzle of a revolver and realize that you are liable to fur- nish a job for an undertaker. “Now dance,” sternly said Dan. Again McGuinness demurred, **] have not shook a hoof for years,” he pleaded. Dan was adamant, : ae father might just as well have pleaded toa ‘Ock, ‘*It will give you exercise,’’ assured Dan—‘‘ dance.” McGuinness did, and if he was not a picture of misery while he was so doing there never was one. ‘** Elegant,”’ praised Dan, “do it some more.” McGuinness was forced to repeat his Terpsichorean feats until his bones fairly ached. - “Let up on me,’ he begged, “for the sake av yez Mother, thoug’ [ doubt if ye have wan that wud care to own ye; Jet up.” PART XIV. DAN kept his respected father at his variety per- armanes until he got tired of doing the train-robber act. Then he slowly retreated from the car, keeping the old man covered with the pistol. * Don’t move for five minutes,” he ordered. McGuinness did not. ‘All of his boasted conrage had fied. He kept as quiet as could be for fully five minutes. More like ten. Then he gave a vigorous yell. Accidentaliy, (?) of course, all of the drummers came Tushing in from the other car. Their faces expressed amazement, “ What's the matter??? ‘What's up??? ‘* What does this mean?” McGuinness could but groan. He felt sheepish, too, ufter his ayowed disbelief in robbers. * He sank back on the seat. He closed Lis eyes. He pretended to pant for breath. * What's the matter?” asked the foremost. “Water!” gasped McGuinness, “ Water ?” “ Yis.”* There seemed to be a scarcity of water, but was notof black flasks. of 2 mere Every drummer was provided with one, McGuinness grabbed the first offered. He was not bashful, and there was very little left im the flask when it was returned to its owner. He heaved a sigh of relief. a Thanks,” he said; ‘I fale betther now, much bet- ther.” : * But you ain’t told us as yet what agitates you.”? ** Robbers?" ejaculated a gentleman in the jewelry business. - Yis.”’ There was a universal chorus of incredulity: * Get out!” ** What are you soaking us ?? * Come off}? * You'll have to consult a doctor.’ “ Why ?” queried McGuinness. ** Have not we been in the smohing-car all of the while, and we have not seen a robber? How did he get in the car?” i ““ Walked in, ay coorse. Do ye suppose he crawl- ed in through the venthilathor?” ** Was he armed ?” “ Armed, begorra! ye ought to have gazed at him He inked loike a walking arsenal.” ** What weapons did he carry ?’? “ Two,’ “* What were they ?”? 7 “4 carbine and a pistol.” Yet they doubted his veracity. *No use talking, old man.’’ remarked the ring- leader, “* you're getting off your nut. I’d censult a doctor ifl was you. First it is eels, and now it is robbers.” e's Pityingly they shook their heads. * McGuinness felt that he would get yery little sym- pathy from them. So he retarned to the car where his family were, They looked aghast at him. “ Where have ye been, Mike ?’’ queried his wife, He sank down on a seat, : * Where bave I been?” he repeated. “Woman, if ye had been through what I have been throu; widin the last hour, yez false teeth wud lose their ” * Why, what wur the matther?’’ “«] have been ro! yp? “ Robbed ?” “ Yis.’’ “ Who did it ?* “ Twelve av thim.”? “Twelve?” “Sure, I ain’t quite certain but that there moight have been thirteen.” He proceeded to relate a most harrowing acceunt of the robbery. The number of robbers, as he spun the yarn, in- reased. Finally they aggregated fifty, at least. Mr. Skitts looked incredulous, He whistled softly. It was a dubious whistle. ‘* Mac,’ said he, “ you will have to stop it,’? ‘“ What?"? “ Drinking.’? “ Who’s been drinking?*, . “ You.’ “How do you know ?” “ ios your breath, pal. See here, Mac?’? ris, “Tam your best friend, ain’t I?” “Ye say it.” * And J’m only talking to you for your own good, You have got to swear off.” This nettled McGuinness. As we said before, it was very seldom indeed that he touched liquor. * Whin I wur rescved from the robbers I did take wan dhrink,” he confessed, crimsoning. “Yes,” commented Mr, Skitts, ‘and after you got through I’ll bet yon could see the roof of the car through the bottom of the bottle.” Teresa Evangeline heaved a sigh. ** Pa.” she intoned_as if she had Jost her whole fam- ily and never @xpected to find a friend; “‘ what does tL you?” “ Why ” “I’m worried to death about you.” “Why? a “ Everybody says the same thing.’? “What's that?” “That-you can’t be right in the head.” At this McGuinness grew indignant. “T'd loike to hear some wan tell me so0,”? blustered he. “I’d make mesilf prove to him thatif I ain’t all roight in the head I am all roight in me fists, and I'll ut a head on him that he won’t get out av very well,’? “But everything proves it.’ “what?” ** Eels first.?? ** 4 murrain on the eels.” ‘*Now it’s robbers.” Soo made Beene more sulky than ever. ss not spake another wurrud to ye,” he muttered, relapsing into sniky silence. “f Just as Dan appeared. Dan looked as innocent as a clam at high tide. His robber’s apparel had all been discarded, and he looked as if butter would melt in his mouth, He accosted his father cheerfully. 4 “What makes you look so pleasant?” interrogated he. “Do I ink pleasant 2"? “Well what about? “What do ye suppose?”
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“ What can) “They won't believe that 1 got robbed.” “Robbed *” “Yis,"? “Who said so?” “ey do.” *“* When?” **Just a litde while ago.” “ Where ?? «In the smoker.” “ Why, pop?” “Don’t ye belave it?” “ Believe it? No, actually I don’t. Maybe you fell asleep and dreamt it.” “Then where’s my money ?’? = “How dol know?’ Iwas in the smoker most of of sop He borrowed the skull-cap. cap was about a number seven. the time, and it was queer I heard nothing about it. Pop?” “* What ?? “Yon're all out of condition.” “Bedad. I wud loike to put some one else in the same fix.” - 2 a “T'll give you a tip.” “What about?’’ “Your health.”? ° “ What ails it?’ “Tt can’t be right.” “Why not?’ “ All these cranks you have like eels and robbers. See here?” “Well?” 7") tell you what I will do.” “What?”? * Get a doctor to callon you and see just what is the matter.”” “ What doctor?” “He's right on board. Shall I get him?” Constant dripping wears away @ stone. “Go akead,” ke commissioned Dan. Dan went The doctor was a myth. But a German drummer, who wore spectacles and traveled for a drug firm, readily consented to assume role. Dan returned with‘him. = Pop,” he said, “allow me to introduce you to Dr. Bolus.” The sham man of medicine bowed prefoundly. “Vat vos der madder, Misder McGuinness?’ he asked, peering over a pair of spectacles, which he had hutriedly borrowed. MIKE McGUINNESS. McGuinness tried to smile, but the effort was a sick- H ly one. oft 1 have not the least thing the matther wid me as 1 know, only me son says so,” declared he. The physician, whose name was Kurtz, took McGuin ness’ wrist in his hand. He felt it carefully. He shook his head, The shake was an ominous one. McGuinness got onto it, and of course it made him feel a guod deal better, : “Is there any truth in Dan’s wurrads,” he interro- gated, “that anything ails me moind?”’ The other hemmed. He spoke like one who hates to break bad tidings. “Vell, Misder McGuinness,” he finally hesitated, ATA MHL The drummer hired the whole section. If we have not money of our own it often gives us a secret satisfaction to get somebody to spending. “ Now,” he said, as he locked the door and puiled ont a razor with which he had provided himself, * I vill to vork.” : He did get to work with a vengeance. The razor flew fast and swiftly. Soon McGuinness’ head was bereft, almost, of hair, as a billiard ball. ‘ * Now,” said the pseudo doctor, *‘ we must put ice, but no—der vos noice convenient, 1 vash your head mit vader und put my skull-cap on you. Deu I bor- rows an ofercoat ?? * What for??? “So dat you von’t catch cold.” He was as good as his word. “id yos the duty mit a doctor to dell der trath. Some doctors yould lie und say dot you vos all righd,”’ * Ain't 1?” ‘ “No. You vos threatened mit prain fever.” That was a staggerer to McGuinness. At first he tried to assume that the doctor (?) was joking. “Ye don’t mane it?’ he smiled, in a sickly sort of way. “1 do.” os “ But what wur the cause ?*? “ Oxcitement, I guess.’” "But what, if ye arein earnest, will I do to cure it, or rather avert it?”’ ‘First, you vill haf to get your head sheved.’’ * Shnaved!’? * Yes. “ What for?” “Too much bressure mit der hair varms the prain.”” “ Get out,:? The impostor pretended to be offended. 2 “All right,” he said, ‘suit yourself; I vill go away.’ He made a move as if to leave. McGuinness detained him. “T wur only joking,” he apologized, “I place me- silf in yez charge.” The joker consented to be mollifiec. “We vil go in the drawing-room car,” said he. i* und hire a secdion. There vill be no bublicity abou t. Come along.” McGuinness obeyed. fone followed his conductor like alamb to the slangh- r. ? : : McGuinness sported it. It fitted him well. His size was about nine, and the skull- McGuinness looked sweet when he was all done up. He borrowed the skull-cap. McGuinness sported it, It fitted him well. His size was about nine, and the skull-cap was about a number seven, That was not the only “borrow” the mischief maker made. ua went to one of the porters’ and borrowed a towel. ¥ This he tied over McGuinness’ head. McGuinness looked sweet when he was all done up. He was what the Scotch calla “bouagie man’ iz appearance. With his shaven head he presented a spectacle which was decidedly langhable—for an outsider, Thea the two returned to the family circle. Needless to say that McGuinness was greeted with dismay. “For pity’s sake, Mike,” exclaimed Mrs. McGuin- nes, “are ye crazy?” ““No,”? he answered; “I am warding av it om” = “ Warding of what off, pa?’ wailed Terese Evange- ne. “Brain fever,” “Rrain fever?” Yig.3? * what do you mean?” . I am threatened wid brain fever, didn’t just tell “Who said so?” “The vocthar.” ** What doctor?” : * A friend ay Dan’s. Hesaid it wur my only we te escape a serious illness. Wud ye have me go mad? However that moight plaze ye, it wad be an agreeable ><
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MIKE McGUINNESS. 25 —aaaoaaaaaoaa=Samaaeaeeeeeeeeeeeee_s«ouwaaaaeaaaeeeeee 660800008080“ oss thrip for re tocome to the lunatic asylum, for ye are always fond av gadding around.” * But you .ooK so awful!” “ What care I for luks as long as me rayson is pre- served ?” “Well, you know best yourself, pa, but you look awful!” Then McGuinness subsided for awhile. It was notin his build, though, to keep quiet long. He started to roam through the car, and his comical appearance evoked much comment, All ofthe passengers knew him, and they made all sorts of game of him. : *- What is it? “ Where did it come from ?”* “ Who openeil the cage and let it out??? *\ Whata prize tora beauty show!"’ “You take the medal for comeliness!”’ Almostinstantly the conductor came rushing into the car, * Who puiled that rope?” he excitedly demanded. **1 did,” she gasped. a What for?” 2 She pointed to McGuinness, * He’s mad," she said. The conductor giared at McGuinness. “Look here,” he said, “I've got a good mind to put you orf.’ McGuinness weakened. He began to wish he had not been so funay. *-T just did it in fan,** he pleaded, Now, the conductor was something of a joker, too. He thought he would have some fun while fan was passing around. : He knew he could depend on Dan. He called to him: “Dan?” “Oh, not much,” replied the vondactor, “only he’s gone mad.*? “Mad ?? cried one nervous Gld gentleman, ** Yes, sir.” Everybody looked pityingly at the lumatic (?), ale though they took good care to shrink back in their eats while he passed them, Then they broke out afresh: * Poor fellow!” “‘T always knew he was not right!” Think of the feelings of his family!” * His poor wife!’ * And his daughter!” y “Such a nice girl!” r “And his son!’ “Such a nice quiet boy as he is!’? . The conductor promenaded McGuinness into the baggage-car. He gave the wink to his subordinates. With the assistance of several willing jokers, McGuinness was strapped to a big trunk, and a fine picture of “A taney sangout; but McGuinness paid no attention to them. Daring the trip he had scraped the acquaintance of a venerable maiden lady, who he flattered himself he had got quite a mash on. “Good gracious, Mr. McGuinness!’ she ejaculated, * what on earth ails you?’ *Itis bad luck Lam,” he confided. “I am Mable to go mad!”’ 7 She looked aghast. *- Mad?’ she repeated. - Yis.” “ When ??” “ Any minate,”* “You don’t mean it!” “Bat Ido.” She looked so astonished that McGuinness resolved to get square a little for the course of sprouts that he had been put through, and he selected her as his vic- tim. E Suddenly he rolled his eyes horribly. He pretended to shake all over. ; He made his teeth chatter like castanets. ; “TI think lam going iad now,” he avowed. inster was deceived. nw could: not blame her, for McGuinness was a “spectacle calculated to appall any one. She gave one yell. : She feaped onthe seat where she was sitting, She grabbed her umbrella and waved him off. and A sharp whistle, the sonnd of brakes being pu in a hurry, and the train came to a full stop. “yy Nagenenriay r misery he was. Dan came over right away. ** What is it, sir?’’ he zsked. * Your father says he’s mad.” - I'm sure [ don’t know if he is yet, but I know one ng.” “ What 2"? / 2 “The doctor said he was liable to go mad atany minute.’’ “ He did?’ ** Yes, sir.” “Begorra, Dan McGuinness, I'll get aven wid ye,” he proniised. Dat didn’t care. “LT only told the trath,”” he meekly said. The conductor motioned to McGuinness to get up. “You come with me,’’ he ordered. : * Bids to»” é. e baggape-car. “What for? ‘*Madmen are not along.?~ = : McGuinness could but comply, and the conductor marched him into the baggage-car. Of conrse his progress through the train excited comment, ; “ What's the matter?" “What ails him?” * What has he been doing ?”” = © Biest {fit ain’t McGuinness again?’ “Seems to me he’s always in hot water. What has be depended upon. Come bell-rope a pull. . nd at the same time she gave the bell-Tope 8 PE on | he been doing now ?"* ~ Thus the passengers interrogated. They took it, of course, “ “ Hello! what’s up? asked the ba: master, who, as nsual, was the conductor’s right bower, * Madman,’*-laconically answered the conductor, “What are you going to do with him?” “Chain him up.’”’ When McGuinness heard this he kicked worse than ever. “TI won't be chained up!"? he protested, The conductor looked ugly. * It is little that anybody cares about you,” he said, “Come along and be chafned. If you won’t submit peaceably, I will have to use force.” The conductor appeared very determined. McGuinness thought it would be best not to make any resistance. “Ei ; That is physically. But he did it with his mouth.” “I'll have ye broke,” he assured, The conductor was stolid. : “Go eee see whi th Amongst the old traps in the car he had a used fo Secure dogs up with. : ae There was a padiock went with it; and in a few min- = McGuinness was sécured to @ staple in the side of the car. He was a fine-looking sight. ~* Better sit down and take it easy,” advised his tor- mentor. : McGuinness saw there was no use of resisting. - wt as Tage he flung ‘himself down upon the noor of toe at . z The conductor looked pleasanter,
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25 MIKE McGUINNESS. pee ee ee Se OOoele=*q*=~qoooaaaaaSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS eee ne, *Tnat’s right,” he said. “Maybe you will come around. To tell the trath, I hope you will.” Next the conductor brought in a cup of water. Also a loaf of bread. * What ure they for, ye fiend?” bawled McGuinness. “For you,” grinned the conductor. “For me?” “Yes, sir.”? “What do I want ay bread and wather ?”? ““That’s the diet.’”” “ What for?” ** Lunatics are always fed on bread and water, the proper diet.” McGuinness felt this was too much. In a rage he kicked over the cup of water, and flung ashe loaf of bread to the furthest end of the car, The conductor did not seem to care, He grinned some more. “All right,” be remarked, “suit yourself. You'll be wanting it before long.” McGuinness’ answer was a fresh volley of abuse. The conductor paid no attention to it. He addressed the baggage-master as he left the car. “Jim,” said he, “if he grows violent get the water- ber to pour a littie water on his head. It will. cool m off.” McGuinness shook his fist at the water-boy. He knew that personage was a veritable little imp, 'y too glad to follow out the orders m him literally. . tye do,” he threatened, “I'll make yez mother ano The water-boy did not seemed alarmed. It’s “ Sorry, boss,” he said, “buat I’ve gy to obey or- ders or else I'll get sacked. Now, if I was you I'd just lie down and take a snooze.” ° PART XV. MOGUINNESS was in a traly nice plight. There he was at the mercy of a litte villain, who would not scruple to have any amount of fun with him, now that he was chained up, and could not get atthe carrier of the water- tormentor adaed to happiness by advising him to “ brace up and keep a stiff upper lip.” One would have thought that Dan would have been content with the plight into which he had placed his But Dan, as we said before, was as full of mischief as an egg of meat, and besides, he had it in for his father. He had not forgotten his sire’s perfidy, as he considered it, in the eel affair. His busy brain thought up fresh misery for the source of his existence. He concluded that brain-fever was hardly strong enough for a scare, and resolved to make it tougher. Presently he came sauntering into the car. “ How do you feel, dad?’ he queried. “None the betther for seeing ye, ye omadhoun!? savugely rejoined McGuinness. Dan shrugged bis shoulders. He looked concerned. “See here, pop,” he said, “I do not believe you have brain fever at all.’’ “ Nayther I have, as well ye know. Get thim to untie me.” “ Not for worlds.’’ “Why not?’ ‘a 3 nae you did not have the brain fever, didn’t I?” “ But you've got worse,” ~ “ Worse?’ “ T said it? “ What do ye mane?” “ It just serves you right, too.” ‘Trying to go back on ma.” to go on ma.’ * Bedad it war her that has wint back on me. How 41d I go back on the ould lady?” “Trying to mash that old crow in the third car. She’s got a pollparrot.” “ Yis, confound the birrad ’* “Why?” “| thried to sthroke his plumage, and what do ye suppose he did?” * What?’ * Bit me.” Dan’s face assumed a most agonized expression. “ Oh, pa,” he said, almost tearfully. ’ “ What?’? “ Worse and worse.”’ “ What is?” “ What you just told me.” “Why? “'The parrot was mad at the time he bit you?” “ He did.” = a at you viciously with its beak?’ “Yis” “Made a wound?” “That he did,” “*T tremble for you, pa.” “Why? “ Do you really know what ails you?” “ Notking.”’ “* Wonld that I could hope so.” Dan spoke so solemnly that once more was Mc- Guinness on a mental rack. «Spake up, bye!” he ordered, sharply. “Try to bear it, will you?’ “ What?’ “ What I am about fo tell you.’’ “Tell it, Don’t kape me in suspense.” “You have got,” said Dan. speaking wie the ut- most of impressiveness, “ the hydro; 7. The idea seemed so absurd that McGuinness pere “Get out!’? he snouted. Dan would not. “You've heard of Pasteur?’ he queried. “Yes, knew him.” “ When was you to France?” ““No—in New York.” “An, nonsense? You are thinking of Tony.” “Tt moight be.. But continue.” Dan did. Most impressively. “He says,’’ he fictioned, ‘ that the bite of any ani- mal while in a rage can produce hydrophobia. He says it is all nonsense that dogs are the only ones that are liable to it. Any animal can own it.” McGuinness weakened. * Dan,’? he said, ** ye ain’t fooling me?’? v “JT only wish I was.’’ “Thin, Dan,”? “ Well?” “ Will ye do me a favor?” “Certainly; pop. The more so as Iam so worried a fon Think of what a horrible death it is.”” “Ig it , “One of the worst any one could suffer.” “How does it wurruk?”’ “The first sign is a chill.” * Shure, I have wan now.” “The next rest'essness.’” “ Restless! Dan, ye are growing sarcastic. I ain’t restless. Oh, no, notatall. I am so at harimonny wid mesilf, that 1 could balance a match on the ind av me nose. Dan!’ “y, pop.” “Go for the docthur,”” Dan did not need to be bidden twice. He went. Into the presence of his pal, the German drummer, Gus Herty. That joker greeted him with a smile. * How’s the duke?’ he inquired. Dan winked. e “ Say ” » Great!” he answered. “Let her gov? : “I'm going to have some more fun with dad.” The drummer was iu for the fun (?) right away. “Vell me the scheme?” he invited., » ONL cer: fever is too weak?” “T've changed it.”” ‘¢ You have ?’? ” Yes.” “To what?’ ** Guess.” “ Ah, don’t procrastinate,”’ - “Well, then, I have persuaded him that he has got the hydrophobia.”” z * Good Lord! What a nerve!” “Serves him.right. He thinks he’s a ar dude and a gold-medal masher, and he was Ww! the affections of an old maid, who is so homely that I believe if she would look ina pan of milk it would turn sour right away. He got fooling with her par- rot.”” “Has she one ?”” *Yes_ and it’s a corker! He annoyed it, and byand by got bit.’? “ Yes.’ Mr. Herty burst out langhing. : “You vos dake the rag off mit the push,’’ he com- plimented, ‘“Vot bart do I blay?’? * Doctor, of course.” “Und my pizness?” “To cauterize his wound,” “Me gatterize a yound?”’ “ Yes,’? “ But vat mit?” * Caustic.” * Dot vos nonsense.”? “ Why??? *T ain’t got no gausdic.”” “Don’t I know that?’? Den yvhy sheak aboud id?"? “Say, Gus?” “ Say avay.’”’ “ Your head must be wooden.” “ Vby ” x “ Because you can’t turable sometimes if a house would fall on you. Listen.” bs **T vos all ears.”’ “Like, beg pardon, a donkey. All of the caustic I want will be served by a railroad spike.”’ “You means id aboud de gausdic being a guy?” “ Oh, shut up, or I won’t tell you how we'll make it agreeable for dad.”” “ Oxblain.” 4 “With pleasure. A railroad spike will do.” * Vot!” “ Yes, it’s so.” “ But dere vos no gausdic in a railroad sbike ?”* “ Any fool knows that, but you can play it on pop. He’d never tumble if you used a crowbar.” The spike was soon procured by Mr. Herty. “ Then they went to McGuinness, who was as nerv- ous as conld be by this time. Yet he tried to smile. Blood will tell. : “ Hello, Dan,” he said, “ back already ?”? “ Yes, dad.” “* Got the doctor?” “ Yes." The doctor advanced. He looked as grave as a gravestone. * How you vos, Misder McGuinness ?”’ queried he, McGuinness glarec at him. “No betther at all for yez threatment. I ain’t a fool. I know what I have got.’ : “You do?” ; “ Yis.”* - ** What ?*? * Hydrophobia.”? 7 7 yos misdaken aboud your case at first. You yos not got no prain fever.” * Of course not.” ** But vorse.” “ How Boh “ Vosn’t you pitten by a barrot?”’ oe Yis.”’ * Den I must act promptly. vound.”? ~ “ What with?” “ Gausdic.”” “ What's that?” “For the brevention of hydrophobia. Now I at- tends to you, but first, Mr. McGuinness, it will be nec- essary to sdrab you down to a trunk.” This was cheerful news for McGuinness, “Why ?? he queried. “ Because I vill not deceive you-like- some doctors vould. Id vill hurt.” * Much ?”? “Oh, a leedle, but you musd not mind id. Now! vill get the strap.” He did so, With the assistance. of several willing jokers, McGuinness was strapped to a big trunk, and a fine picture of misery he was, Dan was not through with him yet. He procured an old express card. On it he wrote: : , “CAUTION. BEWARE OF HIM.” HE Is map!” This he tacked up above his father’s head. Next they applied the caustic (?). Of course, that article did not hurt at all, but McGuinness thought it did, which was just the same. You can scare a man almost to death, although he be brave as § lion menerallxs McGuinness imagined it did, and he actually yelled. * Does it hurt?” demanded Mr. Herty. “Yis, let me up.”” P “Dot vould nefer do, You know the gaustic vos got to make time to get the boison out.’ McGuinness and implored, but it was of no avail. The other would not let up on him. Then Dan left. To go through the train and give the joke away te the passengers. : Presently they came on. They looked solemn as owls. And commented on him. In a way calculated to make hire blissful: “Poor man!’ “ See him froth at the mouth!’ “ Somebody ougts to wipe it away!” “ But his poor family!” “'rhink of how nis wife must feel!?? “ And his children!” S But, of course, amongst them there was ove crank. A gouty old colonel named Blank, who hada holy horror of hydrophobia. Z He turned pale as he beheld the afflicted one. He sent right away for the conductor. 7 water) do you mean? he demanded of that of- cial. * By what?" coolly asked the conductor. * Carrying a man with the bydrophobia ?” * Oh, he’s all right.” * He don’t look like 1t.’* ** Can't you see he is fastened ?”” “ Yet he might get loose.” ** No danger.”” The doughty colonel waxed more wrath. “No danger!’ he repeated. ** I'll report you.” * Yes, sir.’? * Have yo sacked!” é * Thanks, sir.’’ “It is an outrage!’ “No; only a misfortune.” McGuinness by this time was reckless of con- sequences. He made as if he would bite at the warrior. The latter started back, His foot caught in a box. Down he went on the floor. “There, didn’t I tell you?’ said the conductor. “Don’t aggravate him. Somebody pick the gentle- man up.”” A brakeman did, and the military man got out of the car in a huff, Presently Dan came roaming back. Dan looked the picture of solicitude. ‘How do you feel, pop?’ he asked. “None the betther for seeing ye,” answered Mc- Guinness. The others in the car had noticed Dan’s ap’ - ance, and at a wink from the conductor all wi iW. * Well, what is it?’ snapped McG “T don’t like it.” “ What??? “ Mother's at it again.” * At what?” “ Mashing.’? “Mashing?” “ Yes.” “ Who??? “ Guess.’’ “Don’t droive me woild. She is she gets her false hair she wud imagine she could make a collapse av the President. But let me know the victim ?* *Skitta.”” * What??? * Fact.” I must gauterize the
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MIKE McGUINNESS 2 ‘sT won't belave it?’ **Von just ought to go in and see them.”” “Why 922 “They are having a picnic.” “In what rayspect ?”’ “ He’s buying her papers and bananas, and telling her how good she will look in black.” “He is?” “ Honest Pnfan.”” “ Wait till I get a hould av him!” he panted, , Stop the racket.’ * Well, pop, there is only one way to do.” “ What's that?” “Keep calm.”? “ Ain't L?” “You don’t look like it.” “*But Iam.” “Nobody would ever suspect it.” “Dil “For Heaven's sake, but it is Mike!” she ejaculated. Mcwuinness glared at the pair. “ Yis, it is I!’ he exclaimed, in a tragical voice. **Skitts 2”? “Wh-what, Mac??? queried the lawyer. “ Come out ere!” “ Out where ??? “In the aisle.” “ What for?” “ Ye don’t know?” - No.’ * Ye thought me woife wur as good as a widow, an’ ye are doing yez best to mash her.”” « What nonsense.”” , bf Nonsense ye may callit. Come out in the ailes, I tell ye! : As McGuinness spoke he grabbed Mr. Skitts by the collar and hauled him out into the aisle. Peace being restored once more, McGuinness cooled off a litte. When the train-boy came along he opened his heart and bought oranges for the group. Anybody would have thougiit that he would have remained quiet for a little, considering his experi- ences. : But no. He must go roaming through the cars. He reached the smoking-car. The drummers, of course, were all glad to see him, especially Gus Herty. 3 Gus Herty, as usual, was up to mischief. He had borrowed the old physician’s electric bat- tery, and was kindly dealing out shocks to victims, “Here, McGuinness,’ he invited, ‘come have a t 2? . ny: Try at what?” asked McGuinness. «< Arrah! ould woman,” he said, with a smile, ‘‘ won't it break the hearts of the twins when I sind for them to their boarding-school and put thim over the tub? It is proud I am av Theresa Evangeline; she left off her frills and took in plain sewing, which greatly pleases me.” “Still lam.” “ Pop » “ Well baka “* Just try to go to sleep.” That made McGuinness wilder than ever. “Slape?’’? he repeated. ‘‘HowcanIslape? It is in a foine condithion amIforslape. What wid the hydrophobia and the conduct av yez mother, no won- dher I belave I will go mad in reality. Plaze, Dan,” he |, “‘uystrap me, so that I can get square wid that villain av a Skitts. I will wring his neck, I promise ye I will.” fis words put a new scheme of-mischief in Dan’s hi ead. Why would it not be a brilliant idea to release his father and set him on Mr, Skitts? So he pretended to agree with his father about the coguetry of his mother. “See here, dad,” he asked, “ifIdo let you loose you will promise me one thing ?” “ What?” “Not to bother Skittsy ?”” McGuinness was willing to promise anything to get Tree. ; , * | will threat him wid icy disdain!” he declared, " Al right,” and Dan soon had his sire freed. Back through the cars they went, much to the sur- }. rise of the passengers. : But peeing Dad. with him, rrect. myeediess coay that Mrs. McGuinness and Mr. Skitts Were astounded at the arrival of McGuinness, Mrs. McGuinness gave a yell. Mr. Skitts started. they concluded that it Of course this was as good as a circus to the other | passengers, They egged McGuinness on. : | **Give it to him!’ “Break him in two!’ “Stop his mashing?’ “Puta head on him!” ““ Wipe up the car with him!” So they urged, and McGuinness might have?followed their advice if it had not been for the opportune ar- rival of the conductor. “Is it you again in trouble?’ he asked; “how did you get loose?” ““None av yez business.” “ Well, I'll make it my business. Come along back and get chained up.’’ McGuinness subsided at this. ; He tried cajolery. * Arrah, conducthur dear,”? he pleaded, “I’m all Tight—let me alone where I am.” The conductor thought that after all McGuinness had been punished enough. a oe - * See here,”’ he asked, ‘tif I leave you here will you behaver” = x z McGuinness promised. Anything not to get chained up again. “Then beg Mr. Skitts’ pardon.” This was tough. : But the conductor insisted. With a very bad grace. McGuinness mumbied out an apology which Mr. Skitts atrily accepted. r= .“* All right, old man,” he said, “ but don’t let it hap pen again.’? : F : “This battery.”” “What koind aya batthery is it ?’? “Electric.’? “No, thanks.” “ Why not?” oo have quit on electhricity since I met wid the ee “ Bat it will do you good.” a “How?? . “It will make a new man of you by bracing up your nervous system.’’ 3 The others added their entreaties to Mr. Hertp™ _ “Go ahead!” : ; “We've all tried it!” “Tt feels delightfalt”” : * Rejuvenates you completely, as it were!’ Thus they yarned. McGuinness, like the overgrown calf he reallp waa allowed himself to be cajoled. He took hold of the handles of the battery The drummer toyed with McGuinness at first He only turned it on gently at first. The sensation was pleasant. McGuinness was agreeably Ries EDOM A. He nodded his head in approv: * Ain’t it nice?” asked Mr. Herty, “ Yis.” “ Refreshes you??? “ Yis.” = “ Puts the blood in circulation ?’? “Town ity’ ; “Takes your head off?’? * It does relave the ache,”
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MIKE McGUINNESS. “ Oh, itis great! I knew you would be tickled with it, Ain’t your? “ Yis.”? Hardly had McGuinness made the confession, when Mr. Herty turned the battery on at full force. McGuinness thought his last day had made its ad- vent, ** Begorra!’’ shrieked he, as he writhed in torture, “Jet up on me!” “ Certainly,” grinned the gentleman addressed, ‘ after I wake you up a little,” PART XVI. THE amiable Mr, Augustus Herty finally took pity onchis victim. He shut down the haters and McGuinness was free from the electric current. What made it more pleasant for McGuinness was tlie jeers of the other drummers, They chaffed him: * Ain’t it nice?” ** Delicious!"? “ Cools one off so!"? * Removes nervousness!”” “ Takes off a head!” *“ Exhilarates the system!’ **Purifies the blood!” tye ot ae a “aight aes He! a oe a yc ut their chirpings, of course, only served to get McGuinness wilder. Fiezh and blood caanot stand all manner of insults, and Mr. Herty’s last funny business was thé last straw that broke the camel's back. * Misther Bot F 7, rey said, or rather howled, ** do ye} per, w as BP Pae 'e3,”’ cal raced the gentleman spoken to. “ an the Tepdtation of being considered one of the ae of ——- and considered a scholar.’? Ye are a, this saute declaration Mr. Herty changed his ‘* Look here, McGuinness,”’ he said, as he corrugat- ed his oe “can’t ycu take a joke? Bat I demand * Satisfaction,” echoed McGuianess, “Yes, sir.’? - * Av what kind /”. «The code of honor declares that we must fight a Tazy. 2 ‘ “ You won't be crazy when the duel terminates, Not much. You'll be dead—dead as a mackerel,” ‘McGuinness, though, was game. — He did not take water, ‘* There is nota spasm av cowardly blood in me veins, he said, “and if it is murdher, I am in fur it. Where will we Unel?”? * There is. an empty freight car which patie been — on at the last station. €3."7 _* Well, we will go in there. You bein Parte ve whe choice of weapons. aan article do you prefer?” This b oa reply rather staggered Mr, Herty for a Minute, but he soon recovered. Bis active brain, = dete in all sorts of deviltry had conjured up a new racket. Excusing himself for a minute he sought Dan. _“ Say, Dan,” he said, when he found “IT want your assistance.” Dan was agreeable. "Seder dashed pe “Can't you guess?” “Dadar? “ Yes.’ “ Well, tell me what Iam to do.” “Help me.” “How? Your father and I are about to fight a duel.” lis statement seemed- so fabulous that Dan staggered. vain you giving me taffy ?”’ he said. “ No. it is all another joke. I'll get the pistols now. Come along and see the fun.” n, needless to say, sehen Er They found the beggage-car Tted. “* How can I help you ?’ queried Dan. ale get the guns.’’ he chal- death- ness, “Powder and ball ?”” “Nonsense! Did not J tell you that it was all a joke? There will be nothing but a cap eae a little powder in my pistol. What I want you to do is to get & sponge.” _.** That I can do.” ~* A little red paint.” “I'll borrow it from the freman. He is a regular dandy, and I guess he uses it to carmine up his cheeks, and he'll Jend me a sponge. too.” ** Now,” went on the drummer, “when we meet and fire i want you to hurt the sponge at your father, and be sure to hit him. The programme was ‘faithtally carried ont. McGuinness was on deck. © So was Augustus Herty. Both parties, of course, had seconds, and in order to scare McGuinness more, the German physician ap- peared with a lot of surgical instruments, * Umph,” said he, sh ees me yos a a 2 nerve. Mr. McG: “ Why rt “You might be slain,’? “* What ay it??? “ But your family?’ “They care so much about me. Whin I am dead they wil celebrate the event wid alawnparty anda display of Japanese open-air fireworks.” The men were planted at a distance of some paces apart. Then one of the seconds inquired: * Are you ready, Sencenaan ” “ Yis,” replied McGuinn “ Yes,’ said Mr, Herty, with a deadly glitter in his eye. 4 one counted one of the seconds, Two.’ as Thies.” “Fire!"? McGuinness shut his eyes although he claimed to be aman of renege ag and pulled the trigger vi his pop, It exploded with a loud report. At the same time Dan threw the sponge, Dan's aim was true. The faked up sponge cleft his father between the eyes. The blood, forso McGuinness~took it to be, trickled down his brow. McGuinness concluded he was killed. He feil to the noor, taking good care, though, not to hurt himself so doing. Gus Herty dropped his weapon. “Gentlemen,” he uttered, **you can all se3 that I done it in self-defense.” ‘Yhe seconds nodded, “True,” said one, *- ke would have killed you if you had not slain nim. “Pick me up,” requested Mc3u'nness, ‘and carry me home to me woife,’?. This piteous appéal only set the whole mob of jokers at him worse than ever. “ You ought to be carried home to your wife.” __ “She will be pleased to see you.” “And she will marry Skittsy before you are cold in your grave.” “T don’t even think she wit take the trouble to put on black for you.’ L * Certainly not,” “She will have you buried by the county in the Potter's Field.”* ** Dll bet that she goes to a matinee the same day.” “And won't Skittsy have a picnic ?"" eau poe sere was too scared to heed their jeers and sco! ** Byes,’ said he, “‘ will ye do a dying man a favor? Asl begeed ye before, carry me home to me woife,’’ They were only too willing to do so. So they formed a mock funeral procession, first having aerraned a blanket from one of the sleeping- cars and carried hin in it, And as they marched they sang: *“ Connie Mavoureen, why did you die- Why, why, why did you die ?’? It was lots of fun for McGuinness’ persecutors as they carried him along. They managed to bang him up against the sides of the car at every ba By the time they had gotten him into the staph of his wife he was as sore asa boil. _ She gave a gasp of dismay. im For Heaven's sake, Mikev? she asked, “ what ails yer” ** Luk,” he pitionsly appealed, “ for the last time.’’ “ Why?’ she answered, not seeming very much wor- ried, for by this time he had made himself the laughing stock of the whole train and she was completely dis- gusted with him. ' “ What ails ye now?’ she asked, as he sank into the seat beside her, “ Ye.” “ How?" “Indirectly I have been killed sn a duel on ‘your ac- count.” Mrs. McGuinness did not appear to take much stock in this declaration, “ Arrah,” said she, “ what are ye giving me ; it is locked up ina lunatic asylum should ye be, and if ye Kape on wid yea crazy capers I'll put yez there,” “ Which ye would be only too glad to do,” said Mc- Guinness. ‘Do ye know what I have done ?? “ What?? “ Fought a duel.” “ Yer? “Yis.?* Get ate ye haven’t the pluck.” “Batld ‘i vet wur the massacree about?” “ What have I done” “ Mrs. McGuinness, ye have driven me too far. Ye think be are as fascinating as a Jone rose, but ye are nog \Ye haye an idea that ivery man is *mastied on ye, whereas they are only making funof ye, Itis a foine masher ye are, wid yez false a a in a glass ivery noight, an’ no hair to yez head at a “Whatdo ye mane?’ asked Mr McGuinness, in surprise, - * Luk at me,” “Ye are enough to make anybody luk at ye,” an- Swered Mrs. McGuinness, But McGuinness was good and mad, His back was u “Tt is all your fault, woman!’’- he said. coe ales Mrs. McGuinness, _ tat tow 7 “T have found out your perfidy. “Ye mane to haye o kilt of somehow or another, and then marry kitts.”” As McGuinness spoke, he caught hold of the almost paralyzed Mr. Skitts, who, of course, was taken me surprise, being in total ignorance of the job which had been put up on him. McGuinness served him as a bull dog would a rat. He grabbed him by the coat collar and gave hima couple of vigorous kicks. Then, out of breath, he nung him upon the floor. . “If 1 were not averse to takin human life it is dance a clog dance on ye that I wu Mrs. McGuinness had heard the Sorte and witnesred her husband’s actions. She concluded that it was time for her to interiere. She came to him. She grabbed him by what little hair he had. “What do ye mane?” pate! McGuinness. “11 show ye” she said, “Show me?” a: J be Yis.”” ‘What have I done?” . “What ain’t ye done? Iversince ye have been on the train, Sr: have been making a howly show out ay yezsilf and iverybody iise.” Mrs. McGuinness carried out, her threat. She did go for her unfortunate husband, With a woman’s favorite weapons. hat is to say, firger-nails. She done good work. © When she got tired ont, his face resembled a plate of rare beef-steak more than anything else. Little dro of blood were trickling down the sides of his cheeks and disappearing down his neck. McGuinness made a feeble protest. “Luk here, me wud-be assassin, ye may, kill me, but raymimbur, ye will have to swing for it.” Mrs. McGuinness was a picture of content. “Swing for it,’ she repeated. “If ye had -yer Toights yez wud have been dangling from the gallows- tree ous before now. I don’t see why such men as ye sre allowed to live. Why, te are no good to ye- silf, me or any av the rist. Hung! Why banging is too aisy a death for ye! I wud play on ye wid a hose laden wid Kerosene, and thin set ye on the fire. Oh, how [ wud yell at your howls, and ye can a betas wud not put ye out if it wu in me power.” McGuinness was-completely crushed. “Bad cess to the day that iver I lift me hom and wint thraveling for playsure! Nothing but lnck has attinded ma iver since. Me family has gone back on me; they say 1 am a maniac, and if things keep on this way much longer I will be one. Oh, that I were back in Harlem, wid no money at all, ixcept jist enough to get along on. and patches in the sate av me Sunday pants. I-wuru good dale happier on six dollars a week thin | iver will be again. Share on the day that 1 wur born it must have been the coldest day on raycord.” Nobody expressed any sympathy. His cranike had got them all mad, and they were completely out of temper with him, They howled at him: “Oh, shunt up’? “on, give us a rest!” “Come om? * Go bag your head!"* * Why don’t you take poison 9"? ““Get a razor and cut your throat!”? “ Dynamite yourself!’’ * Swallow an umbreila and open it inside of your’ “ For Heaven’s sake, won’t you ever take a tumble on yourself? You're a nuisance of the whole train, aud you ought to be chained up again.” Of course, these remarks did “not se1ve to put McGuinness in any better humor. He turned on his tormentors, “Perhaps ye think ye are smart,” he said, “but wan at a toime,1 can lick the whole av yez wid melift vets chal behoind me back.” his challenge oaly incited more groans and cat rhe paid their verba! to him agatn. In the following agreeable styles: * Put a mustard-plaster on your brain!” ee somebody to bleed you, for you are as crazy as a@ loon “ Won't somebody please give him ether, and put him to sleep?’ “That would be dealing too rently with him. He ought to be put to sleep with a cixb.” ow, there was a brawny six-footer who was suf fering from an attack of that most charming and cheerful of maladies—the toothache. » Not alone did he have the toothache, but he had a big boil on the back of his neck just where his collar bed up against it, and if anything irritates a man it is having a collar flirting with a red-hot boil. He arose from his seat and he promendded over to where McGuinness was and picked him up by the coi- Tar of his coat. He shook him asa pair-006 would a cat, and then fup him down on the floo ok a-here.”? he Gared: “I’m tired of you, and if you don’t stop your monkey business pretty soon, do » you know what I'll do?” What?” feebly inquired McGuinness, “ Break your neck.” _ os Bat——"? - “That will do, Stranger, you don't know wholam. — Mer man Se aa and when I soe J stab to the heart. ave & private ve-yard ay own where 1 bury those that I ety mean hair in my head, and 1’ll bury you free, with & monument chucked in,” McGuinness concluded that it would Vike to pull in his horus a littie. 2 p POLS Som Y
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So-he subsided, and went back to his wife and Mr. Skitts, That gentleman was nursing his wrath. “TH fix him fer what he did to me! he said, “Anyhow, I am tired and sick of him, Little he knows tbe secret which I have locked up in my breast. Wait till I spring it on him and see how he will crawl.” The. more he thought about what he considered Mc- Guinness’ base conduct—for really he had grown to look on himself in the light somehow or another as a benefactor—the more he concluded that it was a duty that he owed to society in general and himself in particular to reveal a long-kept secret, jor he im- agined that he had squeezed all that he could out of McGuinness. _And well he knew it. MIKE McGUINNESS. his circumstances, but after a couple of days te go: used to it, and to tell the truth he was probably a good deal happier when at work at his wash-tub up to his elbow in soap suds. Mrs. McGuinness proved herself a true wife. She tuok charge of the ironing department, and Dan too helped drum up custom. At the end of the week McGuinness found that he was getting along very nicely, because everybody took a jikiug to him. “Arral! ould woman,” he said, with a smile, * won't it break the hearts of the twins when | sind for them to their boarding-school and put thim over the tub? 1t1s proudlam av Theresa Evangeline; she left off her frills and took in plain sewing, which greatly pleases me. “Shure, Sis,’? he said, “I thought ye wura regniar dudeen, but I am plased to see that ye are not, Mr. Skitts had been playing our hero false all the | Way through. He had spent McGuinness’ money foolishly, and gambled it away. Now McGuinness was literally without a penny. “ Look here, McGuinness,” said he. “* Let me re- veal a secret.” “What is it?’* asked McGuinness, “You ain’t worth a cent.” ““ What?’ “T said it.” “What do ye mane?’ “Just what 1 told you. You ain’t worthacent. I lied to yon about the money that I said your uncle left you. It was only a few thousand dollars, and not, as you supposed, about half a million. He laughs loudest who langhs the last. You are as poor as a church mouse,’ It was a terrible fall for McGuinness’ air-castle. Instead of traveling soon, would they all haye to be 4 rking for a living. Which was true. For, on searching his pockets, McGuinness found Tok. that all ue possessed was about seventy-five dol- But hia fare, together with that of his family, was pi Omaha. * td upon reaching there, together with Is wife, he Started, after a little while, a euaary: F He entered into negotiations with a moon-eyed Chi- nee, and soon the lanndry was his, he paying so much down, and the obliging Mongolian taking a mortgage on the wash-tubs and other fixtures of the little it was tough on McGuinness at first, this change in He grabbed a washboard and began maki will. Ina few moments the “Tt is a foine spectacle the twins will make, wan at aich ind of the basket.”” : PART XVIL McGurnnEss felt himself happy the first day that he took charge of the laundry. He had something to occupy his mind, and besides, he figured that there was no reason why he- should not make money at the business, for he resolved to adopt a low scale of prices. “ The Chinayse may think that ser have a monep- oly av the washee-washee business, but I will show thim that chape as their proices are I can discount thim. ] can afford to lose money for a little while, so as to saycure custom, an’ wanst I saycure & man’s thrade he will niver lave me.” While he was thus soliloquizing a big, brawny six- footer entered. Evidently he was a native of Omaha, an untram- meled child of the far West. He was about six foot in height. He had a black eye. One arm was carelessly done up in a sling. He wore a high hat of the vintage of 1845, a red shirt, and around his wa'st he wore a belt, in which was stuck three or four pistols and a bowie knife, about two feet in the blade. ; : He approached McGuinness, who was seated upon & soap-box. and inquired in hoarse accents: ‘Are yer McGuinness wot keeps the laundry?” McGuinness owned that he was that individual. The stranger extended a hand which looked like a ham, so huge and red was it. “ McGuinness," said he, impressibly, “* welcome to 4 = ng a vigorous attack on the fixtures in the place. He worked with a : laundry looked as if it had been visited by a hurricane, Omaha. You supply a long-felt want. The Chinese must go, and it seems as if till yer hung out. yer shingle, they had a gut on the laundry business. Per- haps yer are not aware of who I am?’ McGuinness timidly owned that he was not, ** Well, that is excusable on your part.”’ His caller struck an attitude, “My name,” he said, “is Blood. Blood with a big B. and everybody in Omaha kin tell yer my pedigree, Who whipped fourjIncians single-handed and left them for dead? 1: was me,” McGuinness tried to be suitably impressed at this Startling bit of news. ** Also,’? continued Mr. Blood, *“‘cen I down a griz- zly bear In a rough-and-tumble wrestling-match ! Everybody knows Blood, and ten to one, when you get my custom, your fortune is made, because they are all a-scared of me when I shake may hair, which I wear long, and they flee.” Thus speaking, Mr. Blood produced from a coat-tail pocket a handkerchief, He unwrapped it. He displayed its contents on the little counter, - Truth to tell, the contents of the handkerchiet were - not much, They consisted of one shirt. One pair of cuffs, very much soiled, Nee ant tia And also a garment, which probably was- Blood’s night-shirt, although it hau more of the as : pearance of a feed-bag than anything else, “ Wot’s to-day ?”’ he asked. “ Tuesday.”’ answered McGuinness. “When can you have them done ?#”? “ By Sathurday noight.’* bs te pemire ik ‘4 “Well, ralely, I don’t see how Ican. But seeing ye mens to give mea helping hand, I will thry to help Mr. Blood expressed his delight at this se “Thanks,” he said. “I’m Itke sud Listeerte dem cee bats tome. By the way, McGuinness?’ “We ““Got a smoke?” “ No,”’ “The price of one?’ “ Yis.” “Den why don’t yer do the nd? the saloon on the corner and = a He hep ain: — gees ees © give you Mr. Blood’s own 3 a do! and dirt that, And say, McGuinness?” encene
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MIKE) McGUINNESS. ““Well?? groaned McGuinness. . ~“Gota milk-can?” “What in the wurruld wud I nade ava milk-can? I have wash-tubs in which to wash me clothes.”? ~Dat's all right,’ assured the sociable Mr. Blood, as he touched his throat to indicate that he was almost consumed with thirst. “ Yer hey been out in der air, ain’tyer?’ ~Yis,? replied McGuinness, 2 ~ Didn’t yer notice how dusty it is to-day? Why, the wind blows the dust right down yer throat until it feels like a red-hot oven. Yer like beer don’t hi ~- Yis,’? confessed McGuinness. “Den do der grand.” “How ?’? “Send out for a milk-can fall of the frothy. If you and your family don’t feel able to hold it all why I'll let them drink light and carry home wot’s left of the beer in the milk-can.” * But where,” queried McGuinness, “will I get a milk-can?’ Shure, I don’t know the man who milks the cows, and he wud not lind me wan.” Mr. Blood scratched his head. “That's true,” he said; *but we can even beat that.” “ How f “What is the matter with one uv the wash-tubs ?—it _ holds water, don’t it?’ “ Yis.”” “Then why can’t it hold beer also?” McGuintress could not escape this argument. More espevially. as he was very desirous of getting rid of Mr. Blood. He saw that that gentleman had already had enough beer, and he desired to humor him, because Mr. Blood’s ry bd was decidedly ferocious, be Jool.ing as if he would like to pick afght with any- Dody or anything that he could lick. * All right,’ woefully said McGuinness, “ye can take the wash-tub. But meee SE bring it back.” Mr, Blood’s brows corruga His intellectual forehead became one knot of scowls. He looked as if it would take but little for him to eae’ @ corpse out of McGuinness and wreck the undry. ~ “Uy conrse,” said the bold, bad man. “1 don’t take in washing and I never take a bath.” McGuinness hastened to mollify his guest. “ Say ?”’ he said. “ Wot?” asked Mr. Blood. **T don’t believe that any of us cares much for beer, bat I tell ye what I will do,’* : “Pi git the proi . beer and 4 ive proice av a quarta r a <e iolkewias: Here is the money for thim.” r. Blood’s face instantly became all smiles. ’ He insisted upon ng hands again. with a vim which brought the tears to McGui: eyes. ** McGuinness, -yer bloody old mick, you are a thoronghbred!”” Ms “Thanks,” acknowledged McGuinness. “Yer are true blue!’ “ pe 80. ~. “ And remember one thing.” » *What?’? - when der supply of dirty city, I'll out in der country and crum custom up for you with a gun.” ~ . cGuinness concluded that it was policy to humor Mr. Blood, although in his heart of hearts he wished that fascinating gentleman ten thousand miles away, Tailes beneath the sea preferred. : _ Mr. Blood collared the wasit-tub. “Ta, ta, yer ould ch he. “Pl send ’ on atleast one shirt a week, and some of dem have » fancy night-shirts hid away in dere tranks, but which fet dared show yet.” - Why P “ Because Omaha ain’t no place for a tenderfoot. doing it nness* Before he has been here two or three months he will find himself guing home feet first.” What do ye mane by that?” ~ “ Because the boys don’t like any French toilets. Dere was a poor devil uv a Frencliiman who came around here with nuthin’ but a full-dress suit and opera hat, Well, when der boys got true wid him he looked as if heShad@ been blown upin a powder mine and aiterwards rubbed down. Yes, sir, it don’t do to work any polish off on the gang, because most of them were born in some Foundiing Asylum and they hev a nateral aversion to any ene who they think are trying to pass fer a double eagle in gold, when really it ismothing buta snide trade dollar plastered over with yellow paper. Now remember, Mr. McGuinness, I have shot off my mouth, and if you would take my advice and do as I say you will own the old diggings in regards to the washing line in alittle while.” “T'll give yer a tip.” : *Plase do.” What is it?” “ Yez must be particular about the boys’ washing. Do dem up as fine as yer kin, and even the Indian braves would chip in and make a pool and draw lots just to see how they will look ina clean collar. And, by de way, I pity the Indian brave who gets a clean collar, because they will form a pool at five cents a head, throw dice for the whole gang for the washing, and it will end up the same old way.” “What's that?’ queried McGuinness, “Five or six dead Indiaus; but you won’t miss them much. Now go ahead and have my clothes washed up in the Jatest Paris fashion. Don’t spare der gloss, because I like a glossy collar. It shows dat a man is somebody, and makes folks respect yer. Wid a clean collar and a high hat he -can pass along the streets of Omaha and half the people he meets will take olf their hats and say: ‘Good-morning, Judge; you are look- ing fine to-day—you must be either going to a ball this evening or else intend getting married,’ " McGuinness promised that he would do his cus- tomer’s vast array of soiled linen <p ia the best pos- sible shape. - *T will put a polish on ivery wan av yez cuffs that will enable ye, if mecessity requires it av thim, to use thim as a looking-glass,” : * Dat’s just wotI want. You fix me up all right, and the gold will flow in yer pockets so fast yer can’t hardly find time to count it.” Then Mr. Blood cocked his hat flercely over his right eye and swaggered out into the street, looking a veritable tough, as doubtless considered h self to be. With a heavy heart did McGuinness and his assist- ants undertake the rather obroxious task of “ doing up” Mr. Blood’s garments, He felt somehow or an- Other that he would make a botch of them, But he tried it. ye his Borst fears shih realized. a een ie managed to scorch every one of them w iron, which he heated too hot. Needless to say he nervously awaited Mr, Blood’s next appearance, which was the next day. Mr. Blood did not look at alin a pleasant humor, Neither washe. ~ The night before he had sat up playing poker, and got most successfully left, + * McGuinness,” said he, in a hoarse tone of voice, “is my wash ready?” With fear and trembling McGuinness produced it, “Here it is,” he said, handing him a package. “I bad to hurry a little in orderto get thim through in toime.” Something in McGuinness’ tone’must have ex- cited: Mr, Blood’s suspicions, He took the bundle, He tore it savagely open. _ Then he fairly howled with rage. * He threw his washing all over the floor, and pro- ceeded to jump on it, s Then he grabbed a washboard and began making a vigorous attack on the fixtures in the place. He worked with a will. ; . In a few moments the laundry looked as if it had been visited by a hurricane. ‘Tubs and tables were kicked apart, and McGuinness himself flung into a corner with a vehemence that nearly broke every bone in his body. “Ill teach yer!’? roared Mr. Blood, ‘‘ter try any tricks on me. Now, git.’’ ‘Where?’ asked poor McGuinness, thoroughly scared. “ Out of Omaha.” * Bat how can 1?’ “Why not?” im- “Tain’t got any money to pay me car fare to New York, to where I mane to go tfiverI get a chance.” “1 don’t care how you get to New York,” savagely intoned Mr. Blood. ‘For two cents I’ll put a knife in ace heart and send yer dere in am ice-box, but yer lave got ter walk and that settles it,’ McGuinness was at the other’s mercy, as,Mr. Blood produced a big revolver, which he flourished around in a reckless style. - So he went in a little back room_and told his family what had occurred. , “Mrs. McGuinness,” he said, “ pack up.’’ ** What for?’ she asked, in surprise. “The laundry isa shipwreck.” “A shipwreck??? - Yis.”? “ How’s that?” “That assassin av & Blood has found fault about his washing and given me twinty-four hours to lave town.” Mrs McGuinness was completely broken down at this new piece of luck (?) * Well,?? said she, “we moight jist as well start at once, and it is to New York I mane to go, avenif we have to foot it.” “ And that,”? said McGuinness, “ is jist what we will ae to do. To-morrow morning we lave for New ork. “But how in the wurruid can we lave for New York whin we ain’t got our car-fare ?”” : ** We will have to walk. that’s all.”? - McGuinness was as good as his word. They started off, the whole family, the following morning, trusting somebow or another to arrive at the great nfetropolis, : A fine picture they presented as they plodded along = ralroad track laden with some little househoid effec’ , But it is said that there is a special Providence which watches over the Irish. Before they had gone far they came to a draw- bridge. ; The draw was open. 3 And along train of freight-cars were delayed on one side of f until they could get an opportunity to get through the draw. Naturally, the woe-begone ppnrerance of the Mc- Guinnesses ‘attracted the atiention of the train hands. The conductor, & fat, good-natured fellow: called to McGuinness: “What's the matter, gang? You seem all bro’ McGuinness fairly broke down at last, : The kind wayin which the words were spoken tonched him and he reaator cats . parteee with you and your ke up??? He made a clean breast of just how affairs were. “Don’t let that bother you,” said the -natured conductor; “ just pile in my cabouse and I'll see that you get to New York ail ght. I'll pass you right along somehow.”’ , : : The conductor did so. ~ But McGuinness was bound that he should not lose anything by his generous action. : . e handed to the conductor. three bank -books containing small sums of ten dollars apiece which he had a ha ina New York city bank, for each of his children, i ae “Take these,’? he said, “as sayeurity, and whin ye get a chance get thim cashed.” “ % At first the conductor refused, But at last he took the money. The conductor Kept his promise. . By some sort ofr.ilroad free-masonry. the McGuin- nesses were carried clear through to New York with- out it costing them hardly a penny. = You can bet that McGuinness’ eyes shone with de- light as he put his foot once more upon the soil of his native city. “ Niver agin will I go thraveling for. Af. ther this I intind to stick to me reguiar business and carry the hod.’? #43 = So he did. If McGuinness. could not do anything else well, he could carry a hod to perfection, and he soon found employment enough at his old trade which enabled him to support himself and family, whom he soon managed to bring together again. He does not live as high-toned now as he did before, but he is a good deal happier. “Shure,” he exclaimed the other night, as he sat in the bosom of his family, ‘‘Iam a good deal Ber. pier now thin whin I thought I wur a regular go bug.” [THE END.] Useful and Intructive Books. HOW TO BECOME BEAUTIFUL.—One of the brightest and most val- uable little books ever iven to the world. how to become beau , both male and ahaest Beeome Beautiful.” HOW TO DANCE is the title of a new and handsome little book just issued Frank It contains full instructions in the art of dancing, , how to and full direc- uare dances. Everybod and female. The secret is simple eostiess. Read this book, and be convinced. Price ten ceats. For sale ers, or send ten cents to Frank Tousey, 34 and New York. and it will be mailed to your address. post paid. y wishes to know boxer. Eve HOW TO BOX.—The art of self-defense made easy. taining illustrations of guards, blows and the different positions of a Con! over ba should obtain one of these useful and in- wi “How to structive hooks, as it teach you how to box without an instructor. by book and newsdeal- Only 10 cents. For sale by all newsdealers, or sent, paid, on re- North Moore street, ceipt of price. Address Tousey, publisher, 34 and 36 North Stewart e price is 10 history of Moore street. New York. P, O. Box 2730. Parnell minent Irish jot. IRELAND'S STRUGGLES FOR LAND AND LIBERTY.—A new book just issued. Contains biographical sketches of Robert Emmet, Charles , Grattan, O’Brien, O'Mahony, Wolfe Ton Also interesting and every and instructive incidents in ’s Isle. Price of book by mail, 10 cents. Postage paid by us. Eyeryhodv should have one. Address Frank To publisher, 34 and 36 North Moore street. New-York. P.O, Box
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fee THE FIVE CENT WIDE AWAKE LIBRARY--- $01 The “Sea Wave's’? Last Cruise; or, The :Pi- TRUES’ CAVE. ..---ceresoese-s Sag tae BY Kit Giyae 502 Cromwell’s Boy Spy; or, The Roundtieads and the Cavaliers. Ke Aidtsssees oo BY Horace Appleton $93 The Pirate Hermit; or, The Waifs Legac By Alexander ‘Armstrong 504 Dick the Shadow; or, The Mysterious Trails of the Backwood.... .....0.s++es+e+-by J. R. Scott 695 Fighting the Redskins; or, Beaver Bill’s Last Trail... per retort ert 1 James D. Montague 596 ‘ne Black Domino; or, The Jailer of the Tow- wecsccccccsos JedectevesseveesseseseBY Kit Clyde 597 Frank Reade and His Steam Team.By ** Noname” 698 Cheeky and Chipper; or, Through Thick and Thin—comic..........-By Commodore Ah-Look 599 “eerie Man’s Pond; or, The Black Demon of the nae et eee eee BY Horace Appleton on m2 Tiger of the Seas; or, Forced to bé a Pirate By Alexander Armstrong 601 Harry O’Malley, the Meebo Me Invincible... Sergeant O’Donnell 4 Arkansaw Bill, the Indian Ane s..e-By J. R. Scott oos The King of the Deep... .esss000-s0eby Kit Clyde 604 Little Death Shot; or,The Gold-hunter’s Ghost By James D. Montague 606 The Magic Mirror. sere at ene Don Jenardo 606 Old Rube, the Ranger.......-...+..-BY J. R. Scott 607 Frank Reade and His Steam Tally.Ho. cedwevecs By ** Noname” 608 Out with Barnum...By Lieutenant E. H. Kellogg 609 Storm King Dick; or, The Boy Adventurers... y Captain Will Dayton 610 Frank Durham, the King By the Cowboys.. By Kit Clyde €11 Hildebrandt Fitzgum; or, My Quiet Little Cou- SIN—COMIC. .......02eceeseeeeeeeeby TOM Teaser 612 Si Swift, the Prince tT DOSE Socbuacee=s by James D. Montague 613 The Hyena Hunters; or, Inthe Wilds of Africa By Harry Rockwood 614 The Phantom Pirate; or, The Fatal Oath...... By Alexander Armstrong 615 The Young Fenian Chief 616 Among the Crocodiles; or, Adventures in India By Harry Rockwood 617 Lance and Lasso; or, The Toung Mustangers > of the Plains..........++..+...By Marline Manly 618 The Chief of the Delawares..........By Kit Clyde 619 The Shortys Out Fishing—comic....By Peter Pad 620 Coal Mine Tom; or, Fighting the Molly Ma- guires......-.........-.--By Sergeant O'Donnell 621 The Captain ‘of the Nine; or, anere a Leader... y Harry Rockwood 22 Sassy Sam; or, A Bootbleck’s Voyase Around the World—comic.... --By Commodore Ah-Look 623 Young Putnam; or, Always to Bn Pronk i a Ta enae: & Hart 6A Nugget Ned; or, The Mountain eu BNE. os evcccccccessseesseeee-by Morris Redwing €25 Frank Reade, Jr., and His Steam Wonder.... By *Noname”’ 626 Loy Spy of “1762; or, The Green Mountain bdeb ocdMecacusstlececsearecesses DY Mit Ulyue 627 Frank Reade, In, and His Electric Boat....... By “ Noname”’ ro Ghouls of Gilt Edge..........By Harry Rockwood Reade, Jr., and His Adventures With His Latest Invention............By “Noname” 630 The Shortys Out Gunning—comic. sey Peter Pad 631 Frank Reade, Jr., and his Air Ship.By **Noname”? 2 The eoang: Boy Chief; ee Adventures in the Far West......+++++-..«.By Captain Will Dayton | », 3 Frank Reade, Jr.’3 Marvei........By ‘*Noname” s34 Phe Lighthouse on the Rock... .....By Kit Clyde 635 Sassy Sam Sumner—a sequel to Sassy Sam— ~Comic..........++++.++sBy Commodore Ah-Look 636 The House of Horrors..... By James D. Montague 687 The hen ofthe Northwest.By Alexander Armstrong 633 The es Secret; or, The Wreck of the eo cen a veeceseccodécopensosg bY, Hit Clyde 639 ere the ATabsS......s0++seee0e-by Don Jenardo 640 Garry Galore; or, The Adventures of a Wild Irish Boy at Home and Abroad.........0.« By Gorporal 2 piorgae Rattler $41 Cast Up by the Waves.........By Alex. Armstrong 642 The Shortys Farmng—comic. ........By Peter vad #43 Under the Ground; or, The Wild Man of the Cavern.. The Strangest Story Ever Told. By Harry Rockwood 644 Yankee Pete, the Man of eo Sdeauqesswesese By James D. Montague $45 Hotspur Harry; or, The Texan Trailers ..... By Alex. Armstrong 346 Buckskin Burke; or, The Cache of Gold... By Kit Glyde $47 Guerrillas and Regulars; or, The Cost of Inde- MdeNC@.........se0---s--0¥ Col. Ralph Fenton #48 The Mystery of Dead Man’s Castle............ By James D. Montague 349 Mad Pete; or, a Feartul Retribution. By Leon Leroy 850 Offona Man-of- War......By Major Walter Wilmot $51 Frank Reade, Jr., in the Clouds....By ““Noname’? Set The Boy Pedestrians; or From California to Maine..........++.s00------by Jas. D. Montague 653 Trapper Against Renegade; or, Ee on’ the PIAING. 1... seen cen ceveseseecesceees yy Kit Clyde 664 Young Davy Crocket; or, “The Hero 3 Silver GUICH. boc ve cece vecsvcevccscccesseesDY Wild Bin 655 Tos Basswood, the Swamp Hero.By Capt. E. Park 656 A Sailor’s Diary.....--......-by Col. Leon Lenoir 657 Frontier Fred. ..:...cee..+eeeeeee---By Texas Joe 658 Tales of the War..........ss+.-...-By J. D, Ballard 659 Wrecked on the Coast of Florida. By — Brewste 460 The Boy Mechanic..........By Jas. D. Montague @61 Among the Danites; or, The Price ofa ‘Life... By Kit Glyde 1942 New York Noll, the Hazvor Police Boy. .....+ : By Horace Appleton’ 663 Young Marion, the Patriot Spy ofthe Reyolu- HOD aoa- oso: -Gagebescccessecte = Ralph Morton 664 Young America in Egypt; or, The Drummer Boy's Bravery....... By Alexander Armstrong 665 The Shortys’ Country Store—comic...By Peter Pad 666 Gunboat Harry; or, The Navy’s Best Man...... By Col. Ralph Fenton 687 Frank Reade, Jr.’s Great Electric Lelie, and What He Did for Charity.........By ** Noname’’ 668 Dick Wheel, the Young Roller Skater.......... By Perey B. St, John 669 The Ghostly Bell Ringer......By Horace Appleton 670 Man-of- Wee Dick; or, Fighting for the Stars and Bars ...+++++++++ee0+s--.+-Dy Ralph Morton 671 The he Bua Fighters; or, At ata with the De- Sosdewes woece. Harry Rockwood 672 sam, Saddle the Wild Horse Teler tf Decduns By Morris Redwin; 673 The Young Arctic Explorers; be In Search of - the North Pole............. y Ha arry Rockwood 674 wens = Eye, the ‘Trapper Guide of the North- cccccccscccccsosessby * NoDame ” 675 A yanks Boy jn Mexico... aie Don Jenardo 676 Cast Up; or, Adventures on the Briny Deep. By J. T. Brougham 677 a Steve. the Boy Pilot of the Missis- sip Ppl. erecccccccccccccccecses co-byY Hal. Standish 678 The Yankee Boy Whaler......By Albert J. Booth 679 Little Mike Malloy, the Pride aS the Irish Coast, By Corp. Morgan Rattler 680 Dick Twilight’s School Davee: ees Pe enogeetcecce By Sepa Will Dayton 681 Dick, the Engineer............-By Albert J. Booth 682 The Spy of the Northwest.....By Jas, D. Montague 683 The Pacific Specter....By Alexander Armstrong 684 The Lost Whaler; or, Adventures of the North- OTN. SEAS. - seeeens+ssbDy J. G, Bradley 734 Pilot Boat No. 7 ‘and its American Bay Carte ot Pn it Cly 735 In the Wild West; or, On AS Plains With Buffalo dodecgedunee -by Robert Maynard’ 136 A Sailor Boy’s Kingdom; or, Young America In the South Sea Islands.. by H. K. Shackleford 737 The Forest Mystery.. by Jas, D, Montague 738 ar ae Ben; or, Three rs In the Yellow- deoee nccvcccccccoesesDY Kit Clyde 730 A Wait from the Sea; or, Fiung from the Foam by Thomas P, Murra; 740 The Book Agent’s Luck—comic..........by “Ed 741 Dandy Rock, the Man from Peres ae ° vens 742 Near the Gallows; or, A Yours Man's Peril y R. T. Emmet 743 Dick Daunt-tne Diver; or, Down “mone the Sponge-Cutters, . -.-.......0+-+-DY ¥ 744 Across the Continent on Wings; or. Frank Reade, Jr.’s Greatest Flight......by ““Noname” 745 Lost In an Unknown Sea; or, Adventures Un- der the Earth..... STEELY, Jas. D. Montague 746 The Shorty Kids; cr, “Three Chips ef Three Old Blocks—comic....<.-- seccesesceeeebDY Peter Pad 747 Dick Walton Among the pee James, JP, 748 The Six Swordsmen; “aay The Boy Ouvanerinn y Richard R. Montgomery 749 The Mutineers; or, Dick Walton in the South by W, I. James, Jr, Jr., Exploring Mexico in His Celene pare .-by * Noname ins; or, The Cavaliers of Mys- tery.. savsa sey, Richard R. Montgomery 752 Five Dollars; or, A Cheap Shey wall oe EF) by Percy B. St. John SOBS....ccccccceccsececessses 750 Frank Read New Air-Sh 755 Secin Sam Patch, the ‘Champion por J Samper by Hi. K. ieford 156 Little Jack and His Twenty Boy Firemen...... b bert Le nnox by J, G. Bradley 758 Barnum’s Hunters; or, Trapping WildAni- mals forthe Greatest Show on Earth...... Richard R. Montgomery Percy B, St. Joins 760 Muldoon’s Night Raliool=eoiniek ...by Tom Teaser 761 The Unlucky Miner; or, The Rivals for Dead Man’s Claim.....2sesceesecceeeD Paul Braddon 762 Nw oe Comber or, The yours 763 His First Driak} or A Country. Boy's Life in New YorKisesassssacsse tidy He Shackleford 764 The Czar’s Boy Mail-Carrier; or, zoune4 erate ica In Russia ....-sece.-- coins tensenes DY O. Lut 765 Trappers and Trailers; or, Battles Wi' rend MEN... .eesssecccosccccsseessby * Noname %? 766 On the Queen’s Service...........by J. G. Bradley 167 Tick Tack, the Messenger Boy; or, S Work for a Million...........by Robert Lennox 768 Sam Sry, the New York Drummer; or, Busi- ness Be: re Pleasure—comic......-bY peter Pad 769 A Lost Boy; or Homely Jack’s Loe KE RG T. Emmet 770 The Black Rider. A Story of = volution. » By Ralph Morton TTl A Week Sessa = Clouds; or, Cast Adrift in & Ballo oe toe kaki Hal Standish 775 The Irish Boy ifonte Gristo.----.. Waccbdeed by Corp, Morgan Rattler 776 Sats Among Pirates; or, The Ce ercaa TIT The Little Joker—comic..........- ™m dolor 718 The Two Runaways; er, The Hiardohips of a Circus Life.........++--eee+e--by Hal Standish 779 The School-boys’ League; or, sorte His Way Against OdGS...2.0ceeeeeD fas Robert Lennox 780 Lays Lal, the Newsboy; or, mhng the Ladd er Of FAMEC.....sececese.c-esee +9 O. Little 781 Lost in the Land of Snow; or, Two "American Boys in the Arctic......... ..-.-by R. T. Emmet 782 Coal Mine Kit; or, The Mule Bor Diamond Shall... cccce-cccenccecses B. St. John - 183 The Band of 12; or, The Kn nighta of the Trail.. by Paul Braddon 784 Muldoon the Fireman—comic.... by Tom Teasex sescusetecscocescapnse by Kit Clyde 786 The 12 Owls; or, The Secret Ba’ lt cs hicago King; or, The Yank Be resp rarer 787 The Fire ; OF, ‘'ankee Boy orer by R. RT. Emmet 788 The Bop neny Messenger; or, Brave Bop! Brad- shaw cTet FOC. ......-..s0eee00--by C. Little 789 His Last Cent; or, How Joe Dutton inte Sits FOrtumé....0s+.+sese0es.--0¥ H. K, Shackleford 790 Born to be a Sailor; or, Bob Dare’s Life on the WAtEr..s.cscscssccccaceccetseeeDY rete 791 ae Electric Man; or, Frank Reade, Jr., in by + Noname * . Peer eee)
Page 32
815 Te ee Horse; or, Frank Reade, Jr., ana is Father in Search’ of the Lost Trea ure of tbe Peruvians. .......0..+..+....0y ‘“* Noname” 4:6 Lion Luke, the Boy Animal TAMEP.....%.. 000 by Percy B. St. Jonn 17 Carillo, the Corsair; er, The Mysterious Mon- arch of the Meditérranean......b¥ J. G. Bradley 618 Fearless Phil’s Chase............by Paul Braddon 819 The Ghost of the School-House....2:..by C. Little 820 se Young esthe iel or, The Sagat the Silk BEK c.tvdsccodccccevectevescuses **Noname?? $21 Up and Down: or, “The Life ofan Pica Boy by, Percy B. St. John 822 Dick the Middy; or, A Boy’s Life on a Man-o’-" War. s-seeedes.sby J, G. Bradley 623 Footlight Fred. the Boy Actor; or, Bound te be as veeee- DY N.S. Wood 824A Rolling Stone; ‘or, “Jack ‘Ready’s Life of Fun + COMIC Or, Anywhere fer Fun COMIC 3s o%veccnssctscabssesiuesss by Peter Pad 882 Lost on the “Atlantic. ..by Howard De Vere 883 Monitor Matt; or, The Giant of The Waves. A Story of the Great Rebellion.. -by Ralph Morton 884 The Boy Rovers; or, The Adventures of Two PINCKY. BOYS.e<eecscecsc'sss weveeeee-Dy C, Little 885 His Own Boss; or, The Boy Captain of Cat- head Lake....... -by Percy B. St. John 886 Braving the Flood; Plucky Fight of ~~ Pwo Johnstown boys. aeseeeee ee DY R. TT. Emmet 887 Muldoon the Solid Man—comic..- -by Tom Teaser 888 The Boy Star; or, From the Footlights to For- TUNES Soescaee edurssaserecccecese by N. 8. Wood . y + .-.--Dy Ralph Morton 890 Two in a Box; or, The Long and Short of it—comic........ ---by Tom Teaser 891 The Soldier's Son; or, The Seciet ofthe House of Eight Pines. "A Story of New York.. by C, Little 892 Satin Sam the Young Western Sport. ......... by Panl Braddon 893 The Funny Four--comic..............by Peter $94 The White Queen of the Aztecs; or, Two Yan- kee Boys in Mexico............ iby R, T. Emmet 895 The “iP A dott! 's Son; or, The I Of the Village neeeenccesscecuccesescese «DY LOM Teaser 896 The 1 poy. Slave of the “Galley; or, The Mystery ofthe Treasure Ship....... by Percy B. St. Jolin 897 A Bad Egg; or, Hard to Crack—comi Crk by Tom Teaser $938 Two Years With a Pirate; or, The Prantom Ship of the Gold Coast, s+ nose eecby J. G. Bradley 899 Muldoon’s Boarding House-comic.by Tom Teaser 900 The Boy. Diamond King; or, The. Youn; Monte e risto of New YOrK.ecveeceeDY C. Little 901 Ikey; or, Hé Never Got Left—comic. by TomTeaser 902 The Armorer’s Son; or, The Mystery of the Tower of LONdOR.. ses sese cee eDY Allyp Draper 903 pms Grimes; or, Sharp Smart & Sassy— COMIC. .-s0-seececveressceye eeesD¥ TOM Teaser 904 Dick Getaway; or, chabemyic for a Fortune..... by Gorporss Morgan Rattler 905 Tom Quick, the Aten ofthe pean oes y R. tT. Emmet 906 Sam Byritcy the Boy Engineer; or, Rint at OTs. eecee sovecseesee the 903, Daring Dave the Diver; or, The Prince of SWIMMETS...,.000eeevecessceoeveseresDY C. Little 908 Sam; or, The Troublesome Foundling—comic. Peter Pad iy ~} 909 Velvet Van; or, Deadly Grip and His Demon nd.. Casae +oeeveeees DY Paul Braddon 910 A Smart New York Boy; or, From Poverty to Wealth,...... ew pebesetededcuses by John Sherman 911 Foretop Tom; or, A Yankee Sailor Boy Among the Malay Pirates......by J. G. Bradley 912 Bulger Boom, the Inventor-. comic..by Peter Pad 913 Out in the Streets. <A Story of High and Low Life In New. York. .is. <2. cc ccescosectce by N. S. Wood (The Young American’ Actor). 914 The Swamp Demon; or, Lost For Two Years by R. T. Emme* 915 Denver Dan, Jr., the Stage Driver; or, The Mystery of Golden Guich........ by *“Noname ?? 916 Muldoon’s Brother Dan—comic...by Tom Teaser 917 Buifalo Bull's Boy Broncho Breaker; or, The Youngest Hero on the Plains. .by Paul Braddon 918 A Sailor at Fifteen; or, From Cabin Boy to Captain.....vi.s.cce.eees) eee by J. G. Bradley 919 Henpecked—comic. ececcccceeesesees Dy Peter Pad 920 Homeless Hal; or, A Poor “Boy's life in a Great City. .............by Captain Will Dayton 921 Wild Bill's Boy Partner; or, The Redskins’ Gold Secret........... wSeses by Paul Braddon 22 Mniddon’s Christmas—comic .-.sby Tom Teaser 923 Captain Jack the Pirate’s Foe; or. The Devil- fish of the Indies........... .by Roger Starbuc 924 A Bad Boyat Schocl—comic..........-.by “ Ed,.’? 925 Mr. McGinty—comic.......... by Tom Teaser 926 Lineman Joe, the Boy Telegraph Climber.. by Cc. Tittle 927 Syipee to China; or, The Life ofia Ranaway BOytcrsevescsce eeevchase 3. G, Bradley y-- y 928 Searching ‘for Stanley; or Tom ‘Stevens’ ‘Ad- ventures In Africa.............by R. T. Emmet 929 spades os ama or, Sam Bowser at Work and Play—comic...........s.s.--by Peter Pad 930 Young Magic; or, The Boy with a Charmed Life. ....-cesecccccsseseccssceeeeDY Paul Braddon 931 Muldoon Out West—comic,.......by Tom Teaser FRANK TOUSEY;, Publisher, 34 and 86 NORTH MOORE sm, NEW YORK. . P. O. Box 2730. Pad | 951 Mrs. Brown’s Boarding-House—comic. by Albert J, Booth’ LATEST ISSUES OF The Great 5 Gent Wide Awake Library. 932 The Boy Treasure Hunters; or, Searching for Lost MONCY...sccecevecescesesD? y aa Sherman 933 Senator Muldoon—comic..........by Tom Teaser 934 Sam Johnson, the Negro Detective, by Harry Kane 935 Frank Reade, Jr., in the Far West; or, The Search for a Lost Gold Mine.,,.. by “Noname 936 The Waif of Mystery Island;-or, The Adven- tures of a Boy Who Was Kidz: apped...... by Roger Starbuck 937 The Mystery of the Sealed. Door; ar, The Old- est House ip New York.........by R. T. Emmet 938 sland’ No, 7; or, The Pirates of eas oes eo. W. Goode 939 Our Landlord; or, Life in French f Real, by Peter Pad 940 From Jockey to Judge; or, The Boy Wko Was Always ANCA .....cseeesssecedceees+D¥ Os Little 941 Alone in New York; or, Ragged Roh the News- + boy.by N.S. Wood (The Young American Actor) 942 The Boy Express Messenger; or, Fighting the Train Rebbers...,....+.......by John Sherman 943 Next Door; or, The Irish Twins—cemic,..... by Tom Teaser 944 The Limbless Hunter; or, S18.ocum’s Revenge by Roger. Starbuck 945 The ey, in Red; or, The Czar’s Masked Mes- SCUGEL..... 0005 ree ety by R. T. Emmet 046 Adrift in the Antarctic; or, Two —- on a Continent of Ice...... osssereere.--by C, Little 947 The Aldermen Sweeneys of New York—comic Tom Teaser rst War 948 Pawnee Bill; or, The White chiers Trai euyeadasahsanneas seh nad Paul Braddon 949 ee 2 Boy § Showman; or, A Circus eaten at ) ee by John Sherinan 250 Tp 1 p Top Teddy. the Young Foretopman; or, Four Yeears Before the Mast....by J.G. Bradiey by Peter Pad 952 The Boy Sheriff, or, The Regulators of Peco Valley. ....c.tecescetdevcceeees DY R. T. Emmet 953 ar Buried Gold Ship; or, The Sailor ene 954 oF Future President; | oF, “The Oak That Came From the Acorn—comic..i... «ee. by Peter Pad 955 General Crook's Boy Gnide; or, The Great Indian Fighter’s Black Hills Tratl Fee eweee y Paul Braddon 956 Three Yankee Boys in Africa; hy "The Giants of the Congo...............by Percy B St. John 957 The Boy Surveyor; or, Running Out #°Rail- road in the Indian Country... by John Sherman 958 Rob Rounds, the Young Fireman.....by30. Little 959 Muldoon’s Base Ball Club—comie.bs Tom Teaser 960 Fair-Weather Frank, the Dashing om Beye. cs rade 961 Eagle Dan the Boy Hermit of the Rockies... Py g by Paul’ Gre 962 Captain Lewis, the PIrAte.vee--seesess«bYO. Little 963 Mul!doon’s Base Ball Club in Bosto n—comic.. ‘Yom Teaser 964 pals Horton; or, From a Waif to @ Million- 965 The "Prairie Post Boy; or, of Apache Land. We eiGteces Se by: ‘aul Braddon 966 Chums to the Death; or, The Adveptureg of a Boy Marifie.f.\<avcisscstacesd by Roger Starbuck 967 Muldoon -Abroad—comic..........by Tom Teaser 968 An Engineer at 18; or, The Boy Driver of the Lightning Express....... eeseeseby Ri T. Emmet 969 Hardpan Harry, the Hunted Boy; er, A Young New Yorker Among Western Guta at weed Littie 97¢ The LA whe f Boy; or, Before the Footlights and Behind the Scenes.........., by N.S. Wood 971 Bonen Base Ball Club in wep et Teetewes + sseeeeesess DY TOM Teaser 972 The Mysier of ‘the Fireship; or. A ve Boy Sailing Master............... by Roger Starbuck 973 The Boy Bicycle Scouts; ‘or, On the Wheel Among the Redskins... . eee «= DY;Paul Braddob 974 Rob Rider, the Circus Equestrian; “hay Two Years Under the Canvas......by. Geo. W. Goode 975 The pte gels beets Minstrels; or, Workin the Lares Binet eee a 976 The Tunnel Under the Sea; or, The aaventgreatee of Two Drowned Boys,.....2.2.by RT. Emme 977 Pawnee Bill Doomed; or, The Great Scout in No Man’s Land: ........sse.+.by Paul Braddon 978 The nuns Hunters; or, sa Life on the Piai seecesetcceseceessee- DY Robert Maynans 979 Little ron Bounce; or, ‘Something Like His Dad—comic. bs deake bantid <tce vad cecy PORE 980 The Treasure Trove; or, The Buccaneers of the Gu DIP 8 seslcvewcossdiuczekexas BY J. G. Bradley 981 Alone on a Wreck; or, The Mystery of a Scut- tled Sh: iP PERI eee eas R, T. Emmet 982 Dan Darling’s Cruise; or, Three Boys’ Lucky Vacation.ed...cosecseccces y H. K. Shacklefor¢ 983 Muldoon’s Picnic—comic..........by Tom Teaser 984 Luke Lines, the Stage Driver; or, The Four-in-Hand of Keno Camp...by Pant 985 Jockey Jim. the Daring Boy Rider; or, Win ning His Fortune in the sere by Robert The Lost Boy Captain; or, The veeuret of Hidden Whirlpool..........by Roger Starbuck Address \ :