Five Cent Wide Awake Library (vol. 1) (1884 05 21)
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= - - _ SN NOG TES PCSP AE RSI NAP REAR SREY ERNIE TTR RT TRIPS SOS DP NS EEE ALE AS AS RN ITE REI is TOR DC SAT IK SURE DN TERY EERSTE LEY USCIS BOT Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1884, by FRANK TOUSEY, tn the office of the Libuarian of Congress, at Washingion, D. C. Ejtered at the Post Office at ‘Neio York, N. ¥., as Second Class Matter. pt Y PRICE ryt PA ae No. il. gl COMPLEEE. { FRANK TOUSEY. PUBLISHER, 34 & 36 Nonra Moone Srnmer Y. Y. < PE SN ‘ ; Vol J I. ’ NA Yor, May 21, 1884 UED EvERY WEDNESDAY. ee a Se aon _By Tom TEASER. Kick me,” read one ; “yi TP tes ess yer bet. Hey, Billy, pike me raise the duffer!” The boy ran up behind Hildebrandt pos vane and gave him a perils as: ; :
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f ’ 2 ae The subscription price for ‘Tau WIDE AWAKE Liprary for the year 1884 will be $2.50 per year; $1.25 per 6 months, post paid. ERANK TOUSEY, Pusiisuur, 34 and 36 North Moore Street, New York. HILDEBRANDT FITZGUM. T Address: Box 2730. : HILDEBRANDT FITZ x [OR iy Quiet Little Cousin. By TOM Author of ‘‘ Muldoon. the Solid Man, doon,” ‘‘ Muldoon Abroad, 4 LEAS BIR * «<Mulligan’s Boy,” ** Nip and Flip,” {‘ Jim Jams,” ‘*Corkey,”’ ‘Senator Mul **Jimmy Grimes,’ “A Bad Beg,” ‘Pwo in A Box,” ‘The Deacon’s Son,” ‘‘ Skinny the Tin Pedler, " «Muleahy Twins,” ** Muldoon’s Boarding-House,” 6 ‘Muldoon’s Brother Dan,” Bite. PART I. Just look at the picture, boys. principai characters. ¥irst is Hildebrandt Fitzgum, our hero. He is a typical English swell, with about as much brains as a mud-turtle. But. he’s got ‘lots of money; his dad is a prominent soap- maker in Red Lion Lane, London, and Hildebrandt is an only son. Next you sce Sin-Chow, his servant, a regular Chinee, innocent and guileless as all of his race. Last, but not least, is Billy Brown, my quiet little cousin. Billy is a Yankee boy, smartias a steel trap. He looks innocent, don’t he? Appearances, though, are de- ceitful. "With this brief introduction we will begin our story. - You will learn considerably more about our char acters as our comedy progresses. « / There you see all of our The Browns lived in a handsome house in one of the lead- ing streets.of New York. Old Man Brown was a fat, good-natured old chap, who had made his money during the war and retired rich. His wife was a lady who wasn’t refined, and knew it. She was a warm-hearted woman, though, and wag worth a dozen of those stuck-up, college-educated females, who rave _ over Mozart and Haydn, and can’t make a biscuit to save their necks. They had one daughter, Juliet Montague Rooney Brown. She was a gushing maiden of twenty. Bie wore her hair in ringlets, and was stuge-struck. Billy Brown completed the family. ed, blue-eyed little boy of fourteen. everybody said.so, Hverybody lied, for, in reality, he was a perfect little devil. You see he had a knack of doing all his mischief quietly and unsuspected. On the night on which our story opens, ev erything was He was a light-head- He was very quict— ‘in. confusion in the Browns’ mansion. All of the family were dressed in their best. Mr. Brown strutted up and down in the parlor, fearfully conscious that he had on a white vest, and. seemed. half afraid that he might fall through it and get hung. Juliet stood at the window, Mrs. Brown was everywhere, and Billy sat quietly down on a stool reading Bunyan’s “*Pilgrim’s Progress.” siees Iti is time Hildebrandt came,” said Mr. Brown, consult- ing a watch the size of a small front door, | Mr. Bitzgum is divine.” ‘Maybe the steamer is late,” suggested Mrs. Brown. “Oh, I hope to see him to-night,” pensive Juliet re- marked; ‘I fancy him the idol of my dreams.” ‘“¢& noble Saxon, free and fair, Light blue eyes, and flaxen hair; A tongue of——’” ‘Oh, go swallow a lumber-yard!” grinned ply. Juliet turned sharply around. ; ‘‘ Did you speak, Billy?” she asked. Billy’s face was a study of innocence. | ‘No,” replied he, looking up; {‘ guess it was the wind. ¥| ge yez plaze, missus,” interrupted a stout Irish tnaid- servant, ‘‘ there is a kerridge at the dure wid two. curiosi-’ ties in it. z: “wo what?” asked Mrs. Brown. © ‘Pwo curiosities, mum. The butcher b’y said so, re One | ay them luks loike one av them dummies wid ‘ten dollars | for the whole suit’ that yez see outside ay a clothing store, | an’ the other is a Portuguese. ’ aad ‘A Portuguese?” \ ““Yis, mun. The butcher b’y said so. He 8 gota bidn F loike an elephant’s hide, an’ his hair is brushed down i in a tail. | “Tl bet it is Hildebrandt and his Chinese servant!” ‘en claimed Mr, Brown. ‘Bridget, tell that butcher boy Ill) murder him if he don’t shut up his mouth, Run to | door and show them up, instantly.” . Bridget obeyed. er esently she re*urned, ushering in a gentleman... a “Mister Filderbrandt Chewingum and a “Haython Chinee!” she yelled. | The gentleman turned haughtily upon her, ) ‘* My—aw —name is Hildebrandt Fitzgum# my girl,” said he, ‘ Faix, I begs your pardon,” and she bowed herself outs, i Hildebranat, 1 am proud to see LO oy a cried= Mr. Brown, rushing forward. “*How’s your ma?” asked Mrs. eraei ‘Wonder does she know he’s out?” reflected Billy. ‘Ain't he elecant?” murmured Jalict. — eer: “Guess the tats must have pulled him out. of the wal} - said Billy, a little too loud, for his sister overheard him aid - rewarded him by a sharp box on the ear. cab ‘Where do you learn such horrid slang ‘ Sunday-school.” “Well, if that’s what you coon you had better Biay. hom j Billy?” she sa] Yor
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HILDEBRANDT FITZGUM, ee : Basis: a a Th e ‘‘ divine” gentleman was about medium size, ws ‘attired in a traveling suit, had arose in his button- hole, patent-leather shoes, with ‘light tops, piccadilly cuffs, an -eye-glass, and wore his watch-chain on the outside of his oeoat. ‘‘My daughter, Juliet Montague Rooney Brown,” said Mrs. B. Hildebrandt put his eye-glass up and coolly surveyed her, as if he expected she would blow away the next minute. “Nice girl—happy, yaas, of course, you know. Happy to see you. Deuced queer name! Quite Iwish; suppose, though, it is the tum-tum thing to call a girl Wooney in Americah. 3 __*She was named after her aunt,’ explained Mrs. Brown, while Juliet blushed furiously. ___“Yaas, esteemable old lady, pwobably, yaas, of course. : Who is this—aw—young fellah, weposing on the stool. Looks like a—a chewub. Bwight idea of mine.’ ‘This is my son William,” proudly replied Mrs. Brown. “He is very quiet.” _ *Yaas; looks so. How are you, William?” “Hallco, cully,” cheerfully answered Billy. ‘My name ain't cully; it is—aw—Hildebrandt,” rejoined _ the other, in surprise. 2480 Well, Hildy, how’s your nibs?” Mr. Fitzeum looked aghast at Billy. “Nevah | had any nibs, Cannot conjecture what you | mean,” faltered he. ‘‘Is—aw—your son wiglit in the head, | Mrs. Brown? Knew a fellah once that said wemarkable things just like him. Fellah positively turned into a bloom- ‘ing idiot one day. Wanted to eat me. Had to secure him with wopes. Fact; see this wing? He gave it to me.” and the speaker exhibited a handsome ring of a curious pat- perm, which he sported on the little nnet of ‘his right and... Mrs. Brown apologized for Billy, assuring nie that it i : some low phrase that he had probably caught in the ‘eet. ‘* Bless you, he don’t know what they mean,” she ended, “By Jove, I don't,” ““sawt of a—a Gweek’ edt to me.” Then he-turned to the door. _t -*£Come in, Sin-Chow,” he ordered. | In- obedience, a’ neatly. dressed Chinaman, loaded with traps and duds of all sorts, entered. ‘This is Sin-Chow, me valet, ” said Hildebrandt. 1 { H $ , again, , ‘‘Got me gween umbwella?” asked Hildebrandt, |.“ Yes, sir,” 4. ony Me: sketeh-book?” a ‘Yes, sir.” e| ‘Me poll paw wot?” ) ‘Yes, sir.” > “An? me smoking-cap, an’ scent-bottle?” \; ‘Yes, sir,” a ‘“ An’ iné bottle Shaw GandOnie for me hair?” Sa | es, Bins wi. An’ me white and black wabbit? You ought to see it, rs. Brown. Hats out of me hand, weally. It took me a eaw to twain it—weally miwwaculous. big bwain to twain a wabbit. Compliment to me, you ae. Yaas, ’twas rather smart, I confess.” in-Chow faltered. a af Rabbit welly much not here,” he stammered. > Where is it, you—you careless wascal?” {2 Had it wen me comee in door, Gonee now. Skippee 5 ee hore 4 : Bearerbape Bridget found it,” interposed J uliet. rs. Brown rang the Bell, "and Bridget soon appeared. "Have you seen anything of a rabbit around the house, ye diget?” she asked. xi!‘ No, mum; but I found a sti range cat in the hall: ie i ae eee you sure it was a Cate ss fis give i ; ry :) ol _ . od h is pet >. tm cordially admitted Hildebrandt; 3 - Sin-Chow bowed, and then stood as straight as ast Us Fellah said.it took CSAS mum. ‘Lhe butcher’s b’y said so.” : ‘‘Was it white and black?” inquired Hildebrandt, eagerly, : a ‘Yes, sur. UE “ Bettee he was de rabbit,” said Sin-Chow. pe aEUChee samee cat; habbee four legs—tailee,” ‘* What did you do with it?” continued’ Hildebrandt. ‘‘ Threw it into the ash-barrel, ‘sur.’ ‘+ Gweat Gawd! supposing it was me tame wabbit. ‘Who told you to do so?” ‘“The butcher's b’y said so, sur,” answered Br ey ae- fensively. “ Tf that beuipanaee butcher’s boy loafs around Hero any more when he is sent on an errand, IJl break his back,” enragedly shouted Mrs. Brown. “pl go down and see: about the affair myself.” ‘¢ Wescue my wabbit if you possibly can,* debrandt. .Ifhe ain't found, Sin-Chow, THN—Til—yaas, of course I will—VIl ham-string you. Bwilliant wevenge. Clevah, ain’t it, Miss—Miss—Wooncy?” ef My name is Juliet, ” said Miss Brown, almost ready to cry. ‘¢ Juliet—ya-as. “Who, sir?” ‘* Womeo.” ‘*T’m sure I don’t know who you mean.” ‘‘Why, Womeo, of course. called ‘Womeo ard Juliet,’ Little joke of mine. sawt of a thing once in a, while.” Everybody laughed as in duty bound. Hildebrandt felt flattered. Where’s Womeo?” Do that He stroked his Dundreary whiskers, and walked over to _ Billy. Billy had been out of the room for a while, but he had re« turned. He was sitting on his stool reading away. ‘* What are you weading?” asked Hildebrandt. ‘Patsy Bolivar’s Census of the Angels,” soberly replied: Billy. “ Wemarkable weading, by Jove, for a boy. wead myself.” “‘ What is your favorite work?” eagerly asked Juliet. *‘Jack the Giant-Killer—easy fora fellah to get through his brain, you know. I let Sin-Chow wead to me when IT go to sleep.” ‘« Horrors!” mentally ejaculated J uliet. Hildebrandt stooped down and examined the seark. “pin Billy had:in his scarf. © It was a curious pin. Tt represented the head of a dog with its mouth wide open. me Wemarkable: pin,” said -Hildebr andes ‘Very nobby,” said Billy. | _ ‘What is it—aw—méant to .wepwesent?” ‘(A shark with the cramps.” ‘¢ Wemarkable!:, et’ me examinevit?” Hildebrandt put his eye-glass to his eye. He stooped to, investigate thie phenomenal pin. I like to As he put his face “close to! it, Billy pressed his side slightly with his arm. There was a: swish, someé fawid igsued from the dog's mouth, and Hildebrandt started back with a face that rev’ sembled a Pjute Indian’s’in full dress.) It was colored with ink. ‘Great Gawd!” he yelled, The Browns rushed forward in a!compact body. ‘Great. Heavens!” cried Mr. Brown, “how: did it hap: pen?” “Phe blawated pin,” Hildébrant:said, as he vainly tried “this is an outwagel’ Be i] to wipe the ink off with his hands; “why, Pm a yesular blackamoor! “Billy,” said Mrs, Brown, sternly, ‘what does. this mean?” ; Seb ag iy 7 ‘Tt went off,” said Billy, with a look of SIE fe EEGs went Sit orca weametir cee : rips > . ioe t entreated Hil Some fellah wote a play hy Vie - . teed ~~ be . ere la * 7 sn fe
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you wemarked the shirt. shirt’ with wobin-wedbweast all over it. 4 HILDEBRANDT , FITZGUM. RT SET a ———— rete E = rie tens sa) sau Selieneeen and ‘¥ ‘Por Heaven's sake -will somebody wab me Hildebr randt. with a Turkish towel!” ‘¢Takee door-mat!” counseled Sin- Chow, who. enjoy ed the scene immensely. By way of reply, Elldebrandt made a feeble dash at him, svhich he agilely eluded. ““Baw Jovel” gasped Hildebrandt, as he sank into: a swatin chair, ‘‘ the-‘ink is: on my wobin- wedbweast; maybe Inspiwation of my own—white I’m wuined!” ‘You'll spile the chair!” Mrs, Brown said, her anxiety for her furniture getting the best of her politeness. ‘(Hang the chair!” feebly uttered Hildebrandt; spoil it Till send Sin-Chow out to buy a—a! woomfull.” ‘Better come up-stairs)and get washed,” said’ Mrs. Brown. “ Bwight idea,” answered Hildebrandt, his face bright- ening up; oes IT will.” Mrs. Brown conducted him. up-stairs. gone the ladies put Billy on trial. He protested that'a boy out in the street gave him the ately - While they were : ‘pin in exchange for a white mouse, and that he had not the faintest idea that there was any ink in it. They believed him; he was such a quiet, good little boy. What would they have said could they have Tooked beneath Billy’s coat, ‘and saw an ingenious arrangement of rubber- tube and ball connecting with the pin, by which a simple pressure of the arm on “the ball would force tlie ink in it up through the tube and out of the pin. But Billy ‘was such a good, quiet little boy. Pretty soon Hildebrandt came down-stairs again. He was completely restored to good humor, and dangled down upon the sofa, accepting Billy’s humble apology with the greatest urbanity. He showed his ring very much. 4¢Nice ring,’ observed Mrs. Brown. s¢Yaas) "is ‘wather tall.) % 6 “<Buy it in New York?” ‘ 4 Gawn't you see it is a pwesent?””: Tady, I suppose?” said Mrs. Brown, with a wink, ‘Wather, ” smiled Hildebrandt: “ “weal womantic story connected with that wing.” ‘*Do tell it,” pleaded ‘Miss Juliet; “Tso love anything that is romantic.” ‘¢ Knew. a girl in London who was just like you,” placidly remat ked Hildebrandt; ‘‘fearfully womantic; mawwied a fellah with long black whiskers; sawt of a—a—buceaneer sawt of fellah. Her parents, they—aw—kicked.” ‘‘ How did it terminate?” asked Juliet, in breathless sus- ense, : Hildebrandt unconcernedly lit a cigarette. “She found out he wasn’t a piwate—nothing but a low ‘circus performah; swallows knives, yer know. Now she takes care of the baby elephant.” “Horrid!” groaned Juliet. ‘But that don't tell: us anything about the ring,’ Mrs. Brown. “ Well,” began Hildebrandé, lying back on the sofa and ’ said - blowing the scented smoke from his cigarette into the air, ‘the wing adventure happened in Jerusalem: wasn’t it Jerusalem, or South London?—forget which. Was it Jeru- ' galem, Sin-Chow ?” “Yep 1” rejoined Sin-Chow.. z »**Aw, thanks. -I was walking down an alley, ideeply er en- gaged i in weflection; my white-and-black wabbit-was sick, an’ I was awfully anxious about it, when I beheld'a beauti- ful lady struggling desperately with sixty-five Awabs. Sixty-five, wasn’t there, SLSR Bie Dei ; SR) Pend one _ Of Course, you Koon I couldn't ane coat off—it was green velvet ‘trimmed with brass buttons, | an’ some low fellah stole it, an’ dwawing my pistols I wushed into their midst with an expwession of gweat fe- wocity on my face. Gweat fewocity, wasn’t it, Sin-Chow?” **Yep!” “Aw, thanks, wushed forward; I shot fifty of the Awabs, an’ I fairly pawalyzed the wemainder, didn’t I; Sin- Chowtr “Yep!” j ‘““Aw, thanks. The lady was positively delightad, ot wather twansported—twansported sounds bettah, you know—with joy. Called me her pweser ver—life-pweserver, pwaps—joke, see—wather bwight joke, too.” ‘The Browns said that it was. ‘There wasn’t one of them had the faintest idea what the joke was or where it came ‘in, but they laughed at it all the same. "ed Yaas,” continued Hildebrandt, ‘the young lady was | nearly cwazy with joy. Actually kissed me, you. know. Just as I was twying to think of something pwetty to say to her, up came, a black slave, and clapped ‘her into a stweet- — car.’ ‘‘Four-hosses carriage,” interrupted Sin-Chow. “Yaas, of course,” said Hildebrandt, ‘‘four-horse caw- wage, an’ before I could wemark ‘ Jack. Wobinson,’ dwove ‘her off. As the cawwage wolled off she put her hand out _of the window and dwopped. ‘this wing, I asked the police- man on the beat about the lady, but he said he knew nothing about it.” j “Do they have policemen in Jerusalem?” asked Billy, ap- parently all ignorance, ‘* Do they, “Sin- Chow ?” asked Hildebrandt, with the air of a man. who felt that his word was doubted. ‘‘Hunnerd,” replied Sin-Chow, in his oily way; ‘me farden capting, drunk an’ clubee headee off'small boy.~ Hi!” As I said, I pulled out my pistols and © Allee samee Mellican pleeceman gettee. _ «That will do, you wascal,” calmly said Hildebrandt, M ‘Did you find my wabbit, Mr. Brown? i Mr. Brown: ‘answered yes, the ash-barrel, and carried it up-stairs to Fitzgum’s rooms. ‘Wun up an’ give the pooli eweature a hot bath,” ten- derly said Hildebrandt to Sin-Chow. Sin-Chow vanished in obeilience, and Hildebrandt turned to Juliet. ‘* Do you like singing Miss—Miss Wooney?" ae “* Please don’t call me’ Wooney.” : ‘Ah, yaas, of: course. - Beg pardon, you knew, Migs Womeo.” “My name is Juliet, cousin.” ‘Knew it was something bout Womeo. gal that got mashed. Oh, yaas. Would you like to hear me sing, Miss—Miss Juliet?” Of course Juliet was delighted. As for Billy, he stuffed his handkerchief in his ears. - ‘When they come around for the corpses of the rest of the gang, I want to be kicking,” he said; ‘‘that ere cake will knock. us stiff.” Hildebrandt opened the piano. ‘This is a personal song, witten for me by a newspapah chap I knew once. Tune was wote by somebody else; he got hanged somewhere or another.” In a sqeaky voice he began: Juliet ¥as the HILDEBRANDT FITZGUM. re Air. —‘' Hildebrandt Montrose.” Words by ‘‘ Ep.” His name is Hildebrandt Fitzgum, : ~The fairies call him ‘“ “Gummy, : rae His watch-chain dangles from his coat, nS In a style that’s awful rummy; He’s a haythen chap to black his boots, His bills he never pays, . He drives about in a bobtail car, ry _ And this is what he says: SAS. 4 Dedicated to ‘Tom TASER,” He had found the rabbit in — Gweat blundah of mine, ©
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HILDEBRANDT FITZGU M. % Stes, Tsk ete 7 = = . ; é Corus. Tra le, tra la, you awfal flirt, Vl meet you in the park, when the frost has left the dirt; ‘ TH“ cwush” you with my culchah! ‘ You bet that Iam some, The king of all the English swells is Hildebrandt Fitzgum! He wears a collar celluloid, He cleans it with a rag; The boys all call him ‘‘ Nancy Lee,” His favorite game is tag. His ulster reaches to his heels, ; His boots are number three, ' From his double watch-chain dangles down, A locket, marked N. G. Tra le, etc. ra | | a i Tits i Mr. Tom Teaser introduces Sin-Chow, Hiidebrandt Fitzgum and Billy Brown to’ the readers. His neck-tie is a fever red, His umbrella’s very small, A dollar Derby decks his head, His whole appearance’s tall, In a diamond mine in Flatbush, Spain, He’s worth a whole trade dollar, ' The naughty girls throw kisses sweet ° And at him thus. they holler: Tra le, etc. Ffis sone was encored, and he sang it over again. ** Clevah, ain’t it?” complacently he said, as he twirled around on the piano-stool. » ‘Very, much so,” said Mr. Brown. _ ‘*Yaas; sung it the other night at a party. Fellah said “it was deuced clevah. Wemarked I might go an’ warble it to a deaf and dumb asylum, Shall I sing it again?” Miss Juliet, obedient to winks fram her. mother, and a sly kick from Billy, came to the rescue, bodly. ~ _ ** We can’t really trespass on your good nature, cousin,” ; ‘smiled she, eo wae ‘ ; Sas f 7 ‘ 2 = Ten ns *; * oF y ‘ < fog fe : . < id ‘t Yaas,” smiled Hildebrandt, twiddling his thumbs. Then a happy thought struck him. ‘*Gness I shall wetire—go to bed, you know.” . ‘¢ Billy will show you your room,” said old Mrs, Brown. ‘Certainly, Cousin Hildebrandt,” said Billy. ‘Nice little boy,” reflected Hildebrandt; ‘‘ Sunday-school goat—no—let me see—aw, kid. slang, anybow.”’ Billy ted the way to the stairs. Hildebrandt bade everybody gocd-night. Just as they reached the parlor-door, Bridget appeared, ‘* Beggin’ your } ard’n, sur,” shesaid, addressing Hiide- brandt, ‘‘ but there isa Peruvian lion down-stairs for ye.” ‘‘ Howwors!” ejaculated he, ‘‘ a Peruvian lion?” ‘* Yes, sur. ‘The butcher b’y said so.” Mi SS PART IT. ; THE announcement made by Biddy was a puzzle to most ail present. ‘“ A Peruvian lion! God bless me, what is that?” cried Mr. Brown. “* Shure, the butcher’s b’y said so,” was all that Biddy could explain. 6 AS tae ‘* Tl go down-stairs for two things,” said Mr. Brown. “First, to see about the Peruvian lion, and second, to kilk that infernal butcher's boy.” . : ‘€ Most wemarkable,” was all Hildebrandt could utter. Presently Mr. Brown re-appeared. Under. his arm he carried a yelping Spitz dog, shave: clean to the neck. His bare body and fuzzy head and ears did certainly give hi the appearance of a lion; a little lion fora cent. | Hildebrandt gave a yell ofjoy when he saw the dog. . ‘“That’s Mawia,” he cried; ‘‘that’s my dawg.” f 4 ‘“ A messenger fust brought him,” explained Mr. Brown; ry Ne Ne eS ae fe 5 yt rere Blawst this h’American
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Le ra, ES ia a (ae Res _ -HILDEBRANDT r pa AD FITZGUM. a bs and that confounded Dutcher’ s boy was giving a eae, 4 ‘Taffy,’ said Billy. RY CS. ‘* Wemarkable ¥oectaele: baw Jove! A butcher's boy giving ar Iwish female taffy,” observed Hildebrandt; ‘‘is St the Amewican custom to pwesent ladies with taffy? Should think, you know, that cweam-cakes or cawamels would be bettah.” - “That ere’s some of Billy’s slang,” explained Mrs. Brown. ‘Giving a person taffy is giving them——” “A song and dance,” finished Billy. Hildebrandt looked more puzzled than ever. _ ‘*Sawt of amateur theatricals, I BUPPOSS. » he faltered; «song and dance; fellah sings and‘ then dancés.: Weekon that—_—” ! ' Here Miss Juliet interposed, and explained the beauties of United States language to the dazed swell. He but dimly understood it. et Guess I will wetire,” he said. talk Ye ep.” ait wae you got Mawia?” peer oh Betta soak her feet inSaw shot water before you put her to bed.” * Allee light.” Then Hildebrandt, with an elaborate bow, bade all good- « Sin-Chow!”’ - night, and preceded by Biddy, was ushered to his room. ‘What do you think of him 7”! psked Mr. Brown, after his guest had departed. ’ “Hes a pie,” emphatically eseried Billy. ' *© A’ what?” asked Juliet. ‘CA pie. He's so soft that if you should sit on him he’d squash!” ** He's real nice,” said Juliet. “ Damee cussee,” yelled he, as he staggered back; 8 ibe water, no perfinmely. Sin- Chow like dlounded lat!” “Porn it off!” shrieked Billy. ; ‘ Stoppee!” howled Sin-Chow, as if in expectation that his order would be enough to stop the torrent. “Tf you don’t turn it off you’ll have to swim for your | life,” said Billy. eet “How turnee off?” : ‘Yank the handle the other way.” Now it happened that there were two water-cocks con- ‘hected with the shower; one for the cold water and one for ‘the hot. Z It was the first of these that Sin-Chow had turned on. Tn his eagerness to remedy his action, instead of shutting off the cold water he turned on the hot. Down it came, steaming and red hot from the boiler. “Nebbil,” shouted poor Sin-Chow, as it rained on his face, ‘*me dead Chinaman, clemated. ” “You will be cremated dead sure,” said Billy, hardly able to speak from laughing; ‘‘skip out of the tub.” Sin-Chow was so completely paralyzed with pain and ter- ror that he had forgotten all about this mode of escape. At the sound of Billy's voice, though, he got out lively. ° _ “How do you feel now?” laughed ‘that quiet little boy. “ Allee bloke up,” ruefully responded Sin-Chow; ‘‘ cussie all perflumely boxes, allee same fire-boxes.” In the meantime the steam from the hot water had sot out into the hall and down the stairs. “ Aroused by the racket in the bath-room, Hildebrandt had hurriedly donned a pair of pants, and rushed out into the hall. He saw the stream. That was enough. “ Fire—fire!” yelled he, as he scrambled back into hig room, intent on saving whatever he could. He grabbed a white vest and a coal-scuttle, stuok a spitteon under his arm, and started to flee. As he got‘ to the foot of the stairs a dark object, exud-. ing what “Hildebrandt took to be smoke, rolled head over heels down the stairs in front of him. It was unhappy Sin-Chow, who had slipped at the top, — and, aided by a push from Billy, walked all the way down on his head. Hildebrandt did not recognize him at all. : ““Tt’s the woof,” he yelled; “the woof has fell in, and Im weally buwied alive, you know. Fire—fire—fire!’” % His outeries woke up Mr. Brown, who was boame, avay, ‘in thejback parlor. ee i }
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, Over Sin- Chow's head; -HILDEBRANDT FITZGUM. & ; p a rng fH Rae a PB ss 7 Now. Mr. Brown had a Babcock Fire Extinguisher, which “was the idol of his heart. - He had purchased it at an auction,-and ne had been clubbing himself for a long time because no opportunity of using it had occurred. Indeed, he had half a mind, more than once, to surreptitiously burn up the back yard, 80 as to ring in his extinguisher. “The. ery of ‘‘Fire!” in his ears was not a knell of ruin and disaster. On the contrary, it was a sort of balm of Gilead. He was up, and had that fire-extinguisher on his back in @ second. He charged up-stairs. Sin-Chow had grappled with Hildebrandt, and the two were struggling in the hallway. ‘“Wobbers, too!” gasped Hildebrandt, as he struck fiercely at Sin-Chow, missed him, and near ly broke his own hand on the balusters. _**Where’s the fire?” Mr. Brown roared, appearing on the scene. : ‘‘ Wight here!”. said Hildebrandt, breaking the spitfoon **somebody wescue mine before ’m massacweed !” ' Mr. Brown needed no second reply. He had the hose which was attached to the extinguisher in his hand in a minute. He pointed the nozzle square at Hildebrandt and Sin- Chow, and flooded them with acid. ‘Nother perflumely box bloke loose!” gasped Sin-Chow. ‘‘ Don’t shoot agaia—baw Joye, I surwender!” pleaded Hildebrandt; ‘burn the shanty up if you desire, but spare me, you know.” ‘* Fire out?” enthusiastically demanded Mr, Br own, gbutting off his apparatus. ‘© Where firee?” asked Sin-Chow. “Ts that you, Sin-Chow!?” blurted Brown, in surprise. ‘¢ Partee of me.” ‘¢ Who's that with you?” “Tt’s me,” said Hildebrandt, getting on his feet. ‘* Sin- Chow, you—you snoked nigger, what the deuce, you know, are you doing here?” ‘What in thunder is everybody doing here?’ asked Mr. Brown. | Mutual explanations followed. _ Sin-Chow’s was very mixed, ‘Perflumely boxes,” *‘ firewater,” ‘‘ cussee bad lily boy,” ‘were all jumbled together. Mr. Brown got intoa sort of double reversible puzzle himself. ‘He sent Sin-Chow to bedand hade good-night to Hilde- brandt, and an inspiration struck him, © Can Billy know.anything about this?” he reflected. He determined to ascertain. Sofuly he crept into Biily’s room. That quiet little boy was apparently sleeping soundly in his little cot. The student's lamp was half turned down, and beneath it, on the table, was 2 book open: ‘‘ Willie, the Mission- ar Vs Son: or, the Trials of a Young Convert.” Mr, Brown closed it softly. ‘¢ Poor, little fellow!” he murmured, ‘‘ he’s been reading his Sunday-school library, and I suspected him of mis- chief.” ‘With gentle steps he left theroom. What would he have said ifhe could havé seen Billy, the moment his father van- se Weally, I don’t know what to do, wz Weqeainy, said Hil- debrandi; Is it waining out, Billy?” ‘*Nixey rain.’ “Good Saar ‘Bully. Not more than ten feet of mud. Rive LEY —on stilts.” d ‘That isn’t so, Billy,” interposed Juliet. “Tt is just perfectly levely out.” ‘‘ Aw, thanks, Miss Bwown—beg pardon, Juliet. I think—yaas, of course—that I will take a pwomenade. Billy!” “Yes, sit.” “Will you tell that amen Sin-Chow to get. weady to accompany me out?” ‘¢'Yes, sir,” and Billy departed on his errand. In half an hour Hildebrandt was all ready for thy prom- enade, He was gotten up regardless. He had on a light overcoat, wide English pants, three- buttoned cutaway coat, double watch- chain, from which a huge locket dangled down, white-topped gaiters, green kid gloves, shiny high We and a collar of gorgeous magni- tude. ** How does my cw fait look?” he asked. ‘Very tall,” said Billy. ** Awfully nice,” simpered Juliet, ‘tYaas,” remarked Hildebrandt, with conscious pride, ‘tig wather the tum-tum caper, you know. Ideah of my own—thought of it one day when I was taking a bath. Little wed devils in a field of owange. ‘Noth fellah got one just like it—he’s dead!” “ Dead!” exclaimed Juliet. ‘Wather. He came to Amewica; aftr t undérstand your beastly customs, you know. Woamed out to Colowado and wemarked to a chap called Bowie-Knife Bill, or some — other awistocwatic name, that he wasaliah. Fellah came back to Nngland in a coffin. Fact, I assure you. wing? He gave it to me.” ‘« Allee leady,” said Sin-Chow, coming in. ‘‘Let me go ‘long?” pleaded Billy. ‘‘You two might get lost, and the finest police in the world would never find you.” “Come along,” replied Hildebrandt. ‘Well, sir?” “What is the tum- tum promenade of New York—the’ high-tone stwoll, you know. What’s the swell stweet?” “Baxter avenue, or the Boulevard de Bowery.” ae Weally—but, what’s Bwoadw ayes j ‘Oh, that’s an alley. If you want to see red-hot tone just w altz with me up Chatham street. ; ‘* 7 ness I'll twy Bwoadway,” said Hildebrandt, looking “TV say, Billy.” ye | suspiciously at Billy: ‘“T've heard so much about it.” “Wait, cousin,’ * interposed Juliet; something lovely in Lord Byron.” “ Gweek, with & club-foot, wasn’t he?” asked Hildebrandt, as lic bent over his fair cousin’s shoulder to look at the poet- ical passage in question. y Billy and Sin-Chow retreated into the hall. Billy had a smooth stick in his hand. ‘(Are you in for a racket, Sin-Chow ?” ‘“«Racket—whatee dat ?” “ark.” «© Jokee?” ‘ You’ve snatched it. ‘7 want to show you inquired he. If you are, lend me that chalk i s ished, rise slowly up in bed, wink elaborately. take a cigar { saw you pick up in the hall this moming.” — * from under his pillow, light it, cock his feet up, and yank- ing outa_yellow- covered. book: ‘* One-Byed Ghagan; or, the Skeleton Specter,” from under the sheets, calmly begin reading? The adventure of the previous evening had been such a shock to Hildebrandt’s sensitive nerves, that he did not rise till about two o’clock. By the time he had finished the dainty Junch that Miss ag suniet bade Biddy prepare, Billy had arrived wns from: ¥ esc hool: "I i were ‘Whatee for?” Shut your mouth and open your eyes and you'll see.” Sin-Chow meekly handed over a bit ‘of chalk. On the smooth side. of the stick py printed, in large,” legible letters: ; “*Kick me.” Sin-Chow looked at it as if he didn’t understand) what it” all meant. ips * Who wantee kickee stick ?” he asked! i ‘Watch and wait,” curtly answered Billy. See this. >
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iY, Nea? 8 “HILDEBRANDT FITZGUM. ——— —> At last Hildebrandt had waded through the passage in Lord Byron. He was ready to go. He passed out of the door first. As he did so Billy hit him a tremendous whack on the back with the stick. ‘he chalk came off on his overcoat, and plainly visible - en it appeared the polite invitation: j ‘ ‘Kick me.” Hildebrandt turned about in a hurry. “What the blawsted deuce do you mean by—aw— bweaking a fellah’s back in that outwageous manner?” “ Just killing a fly, sir.” ‘*Next time let the fly live. enough to kill a—a gewaffe.” ‘‘He don’t tumble,” whispered Billy, in great glee, to Sin-Chow. : ‘¢Whatee for he tumble? He alle yite on he legs.” ‘¢You'll learn New York chin by and by, old almond- eyes. Come along.” Hildebrandt Headed: the procession alone the street. He swelled as loud as if he owned all of Africa, and was going to turn it into a beer-garden for his own individual amusement. Several girls passed him. They saw the legend on his back, and laughed, Hildebrandt thought that they were on the pick up, and were captivated by his manly beauty and tout ensemble. ~**Cawn’t help it, you know,” he muttered. ‘Gad! I sometimes wish I wagn’t so handsome. All the fairies get gone on me, bweak their hearts, swallow laudanum, all that sawt of thing; cawn’t help it, weally.” ‘(Have a cigar with me?” ery politely requested. “Don’t mind if I do.” They went into a cigar shop. Billy took a strong fifteen- center, while Hildebrandt. took a pack of scented cigar: ettes. | As for Sin-Chow, he selected the biggest and worst cigar in the whole place; a regular ‘ drop-me- -dead” weed. Hildebrandt started out. A public-school around the corner was just letting out. The scholars—boys of the lower classes—were trooping out in scores, They spotted Hildebrandt right away. ‘Took at it!’ called one. “‘Tt’s a tailor’s dummy led astray!” ‘¢See the strike-ne-with-a-siring Charley!” “¢ Ain’t he a birdie?” ‘¢ Wit it with a ‘rock and see it fly away!” *<T wonder if we got 4 cage would we catch it?” _ * Guess it came dowi with the last rain.” Hildebrandt took no notice of these ribald remarks. He strutted onward as consequentially as ever, Presently one of the gang discovered the sign on Hilde- brandt’s back. It was an important discovery. A regular gold mine of fun ! “Kick me!” read one. ‘‘ Will I? “Baw Jove, you hit hard Jess yer bet! Hi, _ Billy, pike me raise the duffer!” ~ young wobbers!” | The boy ran up behind Hildebrandt and gave him a terrible kick. ‘Kick him again!” cried Billy, who was standing in front of a cigar-store with Sin-Chow, enjoying all the fun. ‘* Gleat kickee, bully boy!” cheered on Sin-Chow. Hildebrandt sprang up and dropped his cane. Before he could regain it another boy, a tough little ter- rier with a Scotch cap and the stump of a cigar in his } mouth, gaye him a second sockdolager of a kick. | ‘Qweat Gawd!” shouted Hildebrant, “T am being mas- sacweed! Police—help! 1am surwounded by a cwowd of “Oh, shut SH yelled another of the gang. again. The kicks were showered | upon Hildebrandt thick and fast. He spun about like a whirligig, trying to catch some of 4s , kicking him his tormentors or hit them with his cane, but they: were too active for him. Just in the midst of the iark a young fellow’ with a tough walk and a Bowery swagger came by. Hildebrandt appealed “to-him. ‘* Mistah!” he cried. The young fellow stopped short and looked at him. ‘‘Who’re you talkin’ to. Who’re yer callin’ Mister?” he said. ‘‘My name is Mud and I live ina gutter. What's der matter wid you?” ‘(These infernal young wufllana are actually maltweating: me—kicking me weal hard, you know.” ‘¢ What are dey kicking you for?” ‘‘Look at his back!” sang the sinall boys i in chorus, The young fellow did look. Then he got behind Hildebrandt and fairly raised him in the air by a prize kick. ‘¢Oh—oh!” yelled the dandy, ‘‘ I'll have you awwested— you—you piwate!” “ Dat’s all right, ae putting his hat over his eyes. ‘‘ My name is Mud, an’ I live in the gutter. If you wanter make anything out of it jess say so. * Hurry up; lve got ter kilt a man down-town,” ‘* Cheese it, a cop!” Billy warned. ~ The boys scattered like sheep. Even Mr. Mud pit his hat on straight and yanished around the’ corner with re- markable celer ity. ‘What's the row here?” asked a policeman, lounging around the corner. . Hildebrandt explained it as best hé could. “T want the whole lot of them awwested and‘ hung, you know,” said he; ‘‘this h’is h’intensely l’Amewican. A. gentleman’ cawn’ t walk out in your blawsted city without being murdered.” The policeman took a look at Hildebrant’s back and per- ceived the joke at once.- { ‘Tf youdon’t want folks to kill you, why don’t you rub ; off your back?” » : ‘© Wub off my back, fellow?” *°Yes, you’ve got a sign on it,” aN sign?” “cc Yes. * ‘What does it say?” ‘« Kick me!” PART III. You can bet that Hildebrandt was mad when he found out the joke practiced upon him. ‘“©Wondah, yon know, what fellah did it?” he indignant- ly asked. , “ ’Owuel joke; tewibly mortifying. S’pose I had met a faiwy, what do you suppose she’d think? Take me, baw Jove! for a cwazy man.” ‘* Hellie ob joke!” chuckled Sin-Chow. fun as circussis lat jokee.” ‘You bwown barbawian!” raved Hildebrandt, rapping the Chinaman’s shoulder with his cane, “I believe that you had something, to do with the blawsted outwage.’ “‘Nottee much,” protested Sin-Chow, his face ciades straightening. “You ain't lying?” « Swearee it aflore.Joss.” ‘“By Gad! if I thought you did, ’d—I 'd—of course I would. I’d bweak you on a wheel like they did to—to— . some histowical chap in h’England—Sinbad the Sailor, his Hedee was, a8 near as I can “wecollect. Wanted to shoot. aw—empewor, I believe.” By the time Hildebrandt Had finished his veracious his- torical incident, Billy had brushed’ the obnoxious words off his back. : “Shall we continue our skip?” asked Billy. ‘Yaas;” and Hildebrandt lit one of his cigarettes: fand moved on. Now we don’t want our readers to think that Hildebraridt ; was an out-and-out muff. He could take care of himself if he wanted to; but generally he was too lazy to want to. ‘< Allee’ samee } \
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HILD#BRANDT Sebaciy Hakee ere Stas Gene Billy soon saw this. ° ; . Passing the entrance of a narrow alley, they saw a black- headed, ugly-faced Italian cuffing the ears of a poor, wan, pale-faced little girl of perhaps six years of age. She was crying piteously, and vainly attempting to ward off the blows dealt her with her slender hands. ““Taka dat!” snarled the Italian, administering a severe cuff; ‘*badda girla; no gooda.” * Weally, what’s this, you know?” inquired Hildebrandt, stopping. ‘' Badda girla, steala money froma me,” said the Italian. ‘Taint so, mister,’ sobbed the girl. “ Husha!” commanded the Italian, with a threat. ‘Be still, you—you organ-gwinder,” ordered Hilde- brandt; ‘‘let the—aw—maiden talk.” || | } a ‘(He sends me out begging,” said the child, ‘‘and takes all the money I get. "Cause I took a penny and bought a bun he’s whipping me.” — _ “ Ajla de.money mina,” said the Italian, his brows lower- ing. “You're a nice piwate, ain’t you? | You’d make a—a “splendid picture, you know, with a stwiped suit on bweak- “ing stones,” criticised Hildebrandt. : ‘You minda your owna business.” ‘«Haven’t got any, you know.” “ Minda dat.” ‘“ My fwend, you are too—too fwesh. Yaas, that’s it. Fwesh is good. Why don’t you go to work, you twouba- , dour?” _ The Italian gave him a dark look by way of answer. ‘Why no sella chestnutta? keepa banana standa?” | yak imicked Hildebrandt, who wasn’t bad at that sort of : thing. i “Stop it—stop it!” shrieked Hildebrandt. He did ndt have time to say more. the lower closet.: “You no shutta up I smagha snoota,” threatened the Ttalian. . Pe: “Bettah take a bath instead. You are positively dirty, wagpicker. Fellah of scientific pwoclivities might dig for . wulns on your hands, baw Jove.” The Italian snarled and doubled his fist. He thought that he had a soft thing onthe fop before him. F He expected to break him all loose with one blow. | ““Takea dat!” hissed he, striking furiously at Hilde- brandt. ‘ But to his total astonishment, the blow was skillfully par- ried, and a solid fist, even if it was covered with a lemon-~ colored kid, knocked him flat on his back. HUTT sean n The waiter landed slam-bang into - ‘*Datee it; hittee him elain!” cried’ Sin-Chow, jumping around in great delight: : The Italian sullenly arose.’ With a sudden motion, he drew a‘gleaming stiletto. “*Look out for the sticker!” warned Billy. *‘Wepetition of the dose demanded;"’ remarked THilde- brandt, as he knocked the Knifé ‘out of the would-be mur- derer’s hand with his left, while with his right he sent in a stinger on the Italian’s nose that caused the blood to spurt. furionsly, and'dropped him like a log. ee ‘That was did bang-up!” enthusiastically said Billy. “ Yaas,” complacently said Hildebrandt, but, his tone are changed to a wail of despair as he glanced downward at his ~~ ClOfT eS ieee err tad : ‘*Bwing a cawwiage, Sin-Chow,” he’ ordered.’ "j ) ‘*Takee bad man to plison?” inquired Sin-Chow, looking: at the prostrate Italian. 8 <p te _**No; I want to wide home.” 7 STs Soe ae) bees + é ~
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oe ica . . 4F ae eae HILDEBRANDT FITZGUM. SSS SS oo oa ‘« What's the matter?” Billy asked. _ “Yook at my wisbands,” dolefully explained Hilde- brandt; ‘ blood—wed blood—all over them. How can I pwomenade, you know, with bloodon my wisbands? Ifyou cawn’t get a cawwiage, Sin-Chow, set a cab.” And if yous can't get a cab, ‘geta horse: car,” ‘added Billy. ‘{Ffand-cartee do?” Sin-Chow asked. anyhow. to have an Italian laid out every day for that sum!” Meanwhile our heroes were being driven rapidly home. ‘‘ We got out of that nice,” chuckled Billy. ~ ‘“ Wather,” said Hildebr andt; venture I had in Afwica.” “Was you ever in Africa?” ‘‘Yaas; should say so. Lived sae ey Ree / Howwid Hildebrandt’s only reply was, to throw, his\| cane at the | place!” questioner, and the celestial vanished fast enough. ‘Presently he returned with a dilapidated- looking cab. The driver of the tumble-down. arrangement looked curi- ‘ously at the Italian, who still lay senseless, “ Does he vo, too?” he said, *(No; he’s gota fit of despair,’ * readily replied Billy. ae Peht?” - . i «Paralyzed. if The dri iver accepted the excuse, and helped the three into the cab: dust as he. was about to drive off, a a policeman, who had just lounged-up, called out: “Hold on, there!” He Fy te “The driver obediently rained’ in n his nag. ‘: What’s. the matter with that man?” he called, refer ing ito Hildebrandt’s foe,” ‘He badda Charley—he ‘killa, mg,” suddenly cried the Ttalian, starting up. “Oh, you take a. dropa Se ebakA hendart a cavated Billy. ‘Go ahead with the hearse, driver.” ‘No yez don’t; that: chap’s hurt, an’ yez had something to do-wid it,” said’ the’ poligeman, “‘Nicee mussee,” groaned See ae ‘Callee go to jailee. Cussie luck!” “Darned if I don’t think we oa be run in,” said Billy. “Js all wight, officer,” lisped. Hildebrandt; ‘‘that Itulian wefugee with the bloody nose got too wecent, you . know, and Tj just knocked him down. “Tust wash his face, will you?—it’s howwibl y dirty, and send him home on a - twuck.” “ Yez can’t put on any av yez high-toned lugs wid me,’ the policeman surilly answered. “‘ It is me duty to take Al avy yez to the station-house.”’ Hildebrandt bit his kids in perplexity. ‘Me killee policeman with ash-ballel,” proposed Sin- Chow. No,” said his master, “‘I know a pre nok idea than that. Officer!” The policeman approached the cab door. i i Hildebrandt slyly slipped a ten-dollar note into his hand. ; -“ For your twouble, you know.” The just official's face beamed with smiles. o Arrah, yez are eee: said he; -‘‘ go ahead, driver.’ ‘No letta dem go!” screamed the Italian; ‘‘ they “pee me!” “What's the iiather wwid yez?” demanded the pollagman, “< They try to killa me. 2 “Be gob, it’s a pity they didn’t.”? “ You-arresta them.” 4¢ Oh, shut up!” “7 makea chargea,’ “ Get out, ye Heep ae nayger!”. ‘¢ He givea you money to letta him go!” pcamed the Italian, howling with rage. “ What!” howled the caiblocsa, “they give me money, did they? You lie; you terrier! Blaggard the perlice, will ye?” rt Whack—whack! and his club sounded on the Italian’s shoulders. Uttering a cry of rage and .pain, the stricken f villain darted quickly out of sight. ‘(Faix, I wondher what the matther was, anyhow?” so- ‘Tiloquized the policeman; ‘‘which wan wasit, I_wondher, ‘that licked the gutther-snipe, the strike-me-wid- a-sthring ~ Qharl¢y, or the haythen? _ eit it’s noné ay my. business, Wa AN SARS : Sap Sct | Sethe AA nog v ote Rt hee 4 4 i, Ee Ee eee jargon. a wegular jamboree, an’ ate up a whole Afwica orphan. “Well, jerk the yarn.” “Do what?” “ Give us the story.” “Of course, You know in Afwica they haye idols, wor- ship everything, you know. “‘They made me the best idol for awhile, worshiped ° iny boots, by Gad.” Might ’a’ beén idol now if it hadn't. been that-a wude, -fewocious tiger awwived an’ conimenced bweaking up the twibe vy eating the most of it.” : ‘© Couldn’t they kill him?” ‘* He obstinately welused to be killed. ous of him, but he persisted in staying: alive. Vewwy uncourte- What do of-him. Weal tum-tum idol, you know. Commenced giy- ing him sacwifices of captives, “An wight enough, of course, for the tiger, but deuced unpleasant for the captives.” Oat should smile so.’ 1 ‘*Wather. Well, one day the twibe captured a beautiful girl. Nearly white, too; daughter of the chief Cad of some opposition twibe. Her name was Negoloketa—wather long name for a visiting-card; but she’ was a nice girl for all that. Had eyes like a gazelle, and all that sort of thing. She got dead gone on me.’ : “Mashed ra CAwfally. Called me ‘birdie’ and ‘ baby mine’ in her But one day the wemarkably impolite tiger got on The bwight intellect of the twibe suggested that asylum. They selected this Miss a sacrifice ought ‘to be offered. Negoloketa for for the victim. They tied her ont to a twee an’ waited for the tiger to appear and finish her. I wushed forward and untied her. ‘The whole twibe wan at me. I she had, too—and dwew my wevolvers with the other. Back!’ I called to the enraged mob. What was the rest Tsaid. Sin-Chow?” “Pust son ob le gun dat comee alongee, leer headee shotee off!” readily responded Sin-Chow. Aw, thanks. Yaas, that was it. Would you believe it, my bwavery cowed the wuffians and saved the girl. Fact; see this Ming! she gave it to me to remember her by. 2 f And the tiger?” asked Billy. “Qh, he ate up the village hospital, an’ it disagweed with him. - Found him dead one fine day. The twibe ‘got a newidol before I left.” ‘‘ What or who was it?” ‘¢ & dwunken Iwish sailor, with a wooden leg. nice, though. I saved his life, too—tell you about it same time. Fact: see this wing? he gave it to me,” con- cluded -Hildebrandt, forgetting all about his previous yarn. _ “He takes the crackers and cheese for lying!” said Billy; then aloud: “Say, wonder what became of the little girl that the Italian was beating?” ‘+ She skippee,” said Sin-Chow. Run away?” «Yep; jess soonee Missee Helleblant hittee "Talian she climbee outee. Runee belly fast.” which lasted till they got home, Hildebrandt was left alone to change his clothes, and Billy went off with Sin-Chow. : f ‘©Your master’s a bad uut in a fight,” observed Billy. ‘“ Velly. He gleat hard-hitter, i } is 7 Nae, these. blawsted Afwicans do but make a fust-class idol out | encircled the girl’s waist with one arm—-deuced fine waist — Wather : Billy's remark started a conversation about the fight, “Stlikes flom shoulder.” : ig en ¥ I made ten dollars out av it. Be gob. I'd be glad ‘‘weminds me of an ad- ©
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BiSss HILDEBRANDT A ele 11s “But was he ever in Africa?” Sin-Chow winked slyly. ' “Africa allee taffy—tiger taffy, too. Missee Helleblant tellee velly tall stoly—no goodee,” said he. ‘But where did he really get the ring?” “ Jewerer stlore. ‘Takee your choice for dollar. Don’t givee it away. Sin-Chow get velly muchee killed.” “Qh, I wouldn't give you away for a gold mine. But | what are you fixing yourself up for?” | “Party.” ‘¢ Where?” ; ‘“Vich girl askee Sin-Chow to comee down kitchen after supper. Havee party.” ‘+ Sure enough,” said Billy, ‘‘it’s Bridget’s birthday to- } day, and I remember now she talked of having a blow-out to celebrate it. Well, rig yourself up regardless, old. tea- sign. So long.” ‘* Byee-bye,” sweetly responded Sin-Chow. Sure enough, Bridget did give her party. After supper she had any quantity of beaux and belies visiting her in the kitchen. The sounds of the merriment from below penetrated up- stairs, where Hildebrandt was dozing away in his room, smoking a long Turkish pipe, and reading ‘‘ Cinderella.” ‘(J believe that is all a lie, you know,” he said, casting away the book as Billy entered the room. ‘What is?” Billy queried. “ Cindwella.” coWhy?? _ “She couldn’t have danced in glass slippers without bweaking them. Pwepostewous. Weckon all books are lies. Don’t like to wead anyhow. Where’s—aw—yorr folks?” ‘¢ Gone to a Scripture circus.” ‘*Sewipture circus—what's that? I’ve heard of a holy show, you know, but a sewipture circus?” ‘« Portuguese for prayer-meeting,” laughed Billy. Just then the sound of merriment arose from kitchen. ‘¢ What's going on down-stairs?” Hildebrandt asked. ‘“ Bridget’s having a party.” | ' ‘Sort of fwee and easy, 1 suppose?” “¢Somewhat.” The-racket in the kitchen grew louder. A familiar voice could be heard. It was singing. Something of this sort: 1 the “ Peking-Wel was a Chinese gel— Allee singee samee song. Playee harpee velly well— Allee singee samee song. Eatee rat and bitee pie— Allee singee samee song. Made lillee bit ki-yi— Allee singee samee song.” ‘¢ Stwike me with a stwing, baw jove!” exclaimed Hilde- ‘prandt, as he listened to the above beautiful melody, ‘if it ain’t that wuflian of a Sin-Chow, turning the house into a music-hall!” Sia-Chow had apparently finished his song and merged jnto a break-down, for a furious clatter of wooden shoes could be heard. ee * « Bweak-down, too,” said Hildebrandt; ‘pwesently he'll be doing a twapeze act. I’d like to see the wascal.” OW can.” “ But I don’t want him to see me.” “Thats easy fixed.” _ How?’ Now there was a dumb-waiter that ran from the back : parlor down into the kitchen, for occasionally the Brown _ family ate in the back parlor instead of the basement. Billy conducted Hildebrandt down into the back parlor. *¢You can go right down on the elevator,” said he, open- ing the closet where reposed the dumb-waiter. 5 _ Hildebrandt looked at it. Pea nee 4 ‘« How deuce do you suppose a fellah to get into that?” asked he. Billy lowered it. “Ride on the top,” said he. ‘‘ Where does it twavel to?” “tA closet off of the kitchen. ‘You can push the closet door open and see the whole show.” ‘‘ Are Amewican elevators all as small as this?” “Not all. Get right on top.” “ Ajn’t you coming?” ‘Tt will only carry one at a time. trip.” Hildebrandt gingerly clambered onto the top of the so- called elevator. “Tt’s all wight, ain’t it?” asked he. ae You bet.” ‘Won't bweak?” “Can't—it’s glued.” “You'll be down wight away?” “‘Tmmediately.” Billy gently lowered it. Hildebrandt was his head. With a quick movement Billy drew his pocket-knife., He dexterously cut the rope of the dumb-waiter. ; Down it went—hke greased lightning. SE ‘Stop it—stop it!” shrieked Hildebrandt; ‘‘it’s bwoke— for Gawa’s sake, you know, stop!” ats . He did not havé time to say any more. ; The waiter landed slam-bang into the lower closet. Hildebrandt was pitched out head-first. . = iv He struck against the door. i lt was unlatched, and he flew out into the kitchen, The jollity there was at its height. s" The guests were indulging in a popular Irish song at the top of their voices. cel “The unexpected arrival of Hildebrandt changed thiags as if by magic. The men jumped from their seats, and the women screamed in terror. oa bie ‘“Tt’s a robber, bedad!” cried Bridget, getting up onto, a table. ; Babes: Now, among the guests was the ‘‘ butcher’s b’y,” Patsey Ghagan. i Patsey was 2 young cle. ; ‘ Jt’s a robber, is it, Biddy?” yelled he. SUV AS ste “‘ Killee him!” shouted Sin-Chow, who had jumped up onto the wash-tub- ‘‘ sluggee le son ub le gun!” Patsey did not wait to beasked twice. As Hildebrandt arose from the floor onto his knees, Pat- sey struck him a tremendous blow under the ear. Over went our hero on his back. ‘‘Take that, you thafe!” shouted Patsey. ‘‘Hittee him some moree!” cried Sin-Chow; ‘‘strikee him for le beeree.” Hildebrandt recognized his servant's voice. He clambered up, astonished as he was, and put for Sin- Chow. : He caught the y-aralyzed Celestial by the neck, and swung him on the floor. Coie ‘‘You wascal, what the deuce do you mean? Baw Jove, I'll bweak evewy bone in your body!” screamed he. I'll come on the next gentleman who traveled ‘on his muse Soon all that was visible of | ‘Oh, damee, Massee Hilleblant!” wailed Sin-Chow, - ‘““Who're yer. hittin’?” demanded Patsey, making a fly- ing leap across the floor, and’preparing to totally wipe out . Hildebrandt. “You,” replied Hildebrandt, raising him up by a blow under the chin, and letting him down again on the top of the stove. sei “Howly murther, I’m kilt!” he cried, rolling! over and over. ‘ ¥ i>.
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, s « n RF i2 ARIE, Ae SOPNY FITZGUM:- —* apa tia TRE RAST EAA Tl] shoot the sucker!” declared a Peihevded IEA dugeing at his pistol-pocket. “wy it, you vagabond!” Hildebrandt roared, his temper now thoroughly up, as he elutehed the fellow by the throat and flung. him into @ wash-tub. + Datee allee yite,” said Sin-Chow; Missee Hilleblant. Killée whole gang.” By this time the kitchen was in an uproar. women and most of the men were under the chairs and table. Hildebrandt’ was buss of the whole place, and he was raging around, looking for somebody to kill. “ODhis ig. intensely h’American,” he stormed; ‘fling a fellah out of a beastly elevator, and then have a lot of wut. fians call him a wobber and twy to kill him. Vewy ludi- cwous, you know.’ Won’t somebody OE to hit me, just for wecweation. I'm enjoying the party gweatly.” Untortunately for Mr. Brown, he had come home from prayer-meeting early. The noise of the free fight down- stairs attracted his at- ‘sive dem hellie, tention as soon as he enter red the house. - He rushed down-stairs. The first figure he saw was Hildebrasde, cavorting around on one leg, anid offering to lick the world for the trifling sam of one farthing. Mr. Brown sped up to him right away. “He scized his nephew by the shoulder. ‘* My dear: ne began. He finished right there. “Hit a fella from behind, will you, you A @abian piwate,” Hildebrandt remarked, as he wurned quickly around and socked his uncle in the month. Down went Mr. Brown like a‘ shot. At this moment Sin-Chow turned out the gas. ‘‘Habbee plize-fightee in dark,” he grinned. So it proved. Brown was’a plucky old boy. He got up as well as he could, and grappled. eal Hilde- br: and. Around and mebind the room they went, fighting like good fellows. “ Police!” shouted Brown, as he got a hot one on the nose. ‘Send fora . bwigade of soldiers to assist them if you wish,” answered Hildebrandt. ‘*T canpawalyze the Groped: baw Jovel” Billy, who had entered the kitchen in the meantime, con- cluded that the fun had gone far enough. He struck a-match and lit the gas. Old Brown and Hildebrandt for the first time. had a good look at one another. ‘Uncle Bwown, baw Jovel” stammered Hildebr: andt. ~“ Fitzguml” gasped Brown. “Who jg the sucker?’ asked Patsey, the butcher boy, getting up. Old Brown, as maybe you know, wasn’t terribly fond of Patsey. ° As soon as he heard the voice and saw the form he went for him. “Tt?s you, is it, you infernal butcher boy!” he cried. _ Patsey took to his heels like a deer. Around the room‘he went, old Brown pursuing. ‘Run, Patsey, darlint, he'll massacre yez!’” Biddy shrieked. Patséy cast one look behind. Brown was at his heels. . Uttering a howl of terror he jumped through the glass door out into the hall. - Old Brown helped him. . He caught Patsey’s § stern with his boot-toe and gave him a lively boost. »“« Whurra—whurra! ye have miurdhered him Bridget A * ) Ms ESS All of the, PART IV. Murua explanations of course followed the row in the kitchen, Hildebrandt told how he had arrived so suddenly. ‘ Blawsted elevator bwoke, you know,” said he, ‘¢ What elevator?” asked his uncle. ; “The one that wuns down from the parlor.” “That ain’t an elevator.” “What is it?” : i ‘* Dumb-waiter.” ‘Don’t you nevah wide up and down on ite” ‘Never; it only carries dishes and things.” “Then Billy’s been making a wegular fool out of rae.” “ How 7 “ He got me to wide down on it. on it—jest like a—a stweet-car. Mr. Brown started to look afier Billy, but that quiet young gentleman had disappeared. Like a wise boy he slipped up-stairs and piled into bed, and went off to school the next mor ning without waiting Said evewybody wode for breakfast. The next evening he and Hildebrandt went to call ona young lady. She lived up in Harlem, and, as it was warm weather yet, after the preliminary introduction had been disposed of, Billy proposed that they go out and sit upon the leh "The stoop was a wooden one. It had been newly painted, and the paint was not yet dry. Billy knew it, but Hildebrandt didn’t. _ Or else he would never have planked himself down upoa the step in all the glory of his light Javender pants. For a while all went on swimmingly. The young lady— her name was Miss Grace—was good-looking, and Hilde- brandé put on all of his fancy mashing touches. Pretty soon it got to be nine o ’elock. ‘(Time we skip,” whispered Billy to GED nC Hildebrandt started to arise. He could not. : He was apparently chained by some invisible power to the stoop. “Going?” asked Miss Grace, sweetly. : ae Not yet, ” gasped Hildebrandt, wriggling about like an ee ‘What's the matter—spasms?” asked Billy, aside, ‘Baw Jove,” whispered back Hildebrandt, ‘you can stwike me with a feather if I ain’t stuck.” * Stuck ?” eYaag.”” ‘* How?” ‘‘ Fast to the blawsted stoop, somehow.” “By golly,” said Billy, as if he had just discovered the fact, ‘the paint on the stoop ain't dry yet. You’ re e fast to if. “ “Gweat Gawd! how'll I get loose?” ‘You'll haye to crawl out of your pants and go home in skin ones.”’ ‘‘ But I cawn’t—there’s a lady here, you know.” ‘eThen you'll have to stay where you are.” **Oh, hang it!” You? il make a bully ornament.” / “You're tco deuced fwesh, Billy.” ‘* And we'll come around and feed you three times a day. Be tough on you, though, when it rains.” Hildebrandt grew red with mortification. He tried to pull himself loose again. It was no go. A Suspicious cragkle indicated that his pants were likely to give way if he tried the experiment again. & You seem uneasy,” remarked Miss Grace. “Yaas,” replied Hildebrandt. flurriedly, oat quitoes; yaas, of course, mosquitoes.” ‘*T don’t feel any,” said Miss Grace; “do you, Billy?" ‘‘Nixey muskeet,” answered Bi basely going back on’ Hildebrandt. . ~ s—it’s mos- | ’
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HILDEBRANDT FITZGUM. * 13 actyn persisted ‘Hildebr andt; awound me. Tsay, Miss Gwace.” ‘Well, Mr. Fitzguin?” b Would your father object to lending me your front stoop?” ‘« Lend you our front stoop!” echoed Miss Grace. ‘‘ What .do you possibly want of it?” “Pm making«@—a collection,” lied poor Hildebrandt. “4 collection of front, stoops?” gasped Miss Grace. ‘‘Yaas; all the style. Want to take yours awound home and make a model of it in wax.” Miss Grace began to think that he was either subject to fits of insanity, or else under the influence of drink. ‘¢Wouldn’t you like to borrow our back yard?” she sar- “about a million are mig tending to get him as far as the gate and then shake him. ‘* Aw—thanks, but I cawn’t—I mean to say I don’t want to, you know. Shaved my dawg this afternoon, and I feel tired. Want to west a little.” ; ** You've only ‘ wested’ for three hour Spe said Miss Grace, losing all patience; “if you want to, I'll send a mattress out vand you can ‘west’ all night,” and with a toss of her head she disappeared into the house, and shut. the door sharply behind her. : Hildebrandt groaned. us ‘‘How am I ever going to get home?” he quer ied, * ‘Don’t know, unless you take the house along pa you, x answered Billy, with a grin. ss You’ re — cwuel, "said Hildebrandt, ANG cry ing: a \\ ~~. WY Hildebrandt came out of his pantaloons in such a hurry that he was dragged down the steps before he hardly knew it. castically asked. ‘Maybe you've got a collection of them?” ‘Got a woom full,” blurted out Hildebrandt, in agony. “¢ Couldn't you spare me this step, Miss Gwace. I'll bwing it back to-mowow.” ‘‘Are you crazy, sir? r?” replied Miss Grace. about something else.” They did. Hildebrandt talked like a confirmed idiot upon every sub- ject that was advanced, and felt that he was rapidly ap- proaching idiocy. ‘‘ How will I ever get fwee, Billy?” he found a chance to whisper. ‘* Buy the house. iM “What good will that do?” ? ‘¢ Folks can’t kick about you sitting on your own stoop.” _ Finally Miss Grace heard eleven strike. “Will he ever go home?” thought she. Hildebrandt appeared in no hurry. ‘¢Palk 7. ek “Won! t es take a wall; Mr. ze Oe IEG ie in- “Billy, if you'll get me loose, I'll give you my wed cwavat. with black spots. Please twy.” Billy did. x He hauled, pushed and pulled Hildebrandt, about as if that gentleman was a sand-bag. It was useless. and after he had torn Hildebrandt’s coat, knocked off his,collar, and ripped his shirt from stem. 10% stern, he begged him to desist, a You’ re here for life,” said Billy. “When they take a. picture of the house, you'll show tip-top. Old Grace won't have to buy any statuary to sling” about. Reckon he'll paint you white, and call you the “Sleeping Beauty,’ or ‘Venius in a Snooze. Ipeets ‘You haven’t any feeling.” “‘T know I ain’t. | There is only one way by which you can get hee Fildy. ad “ What's that?” bent ‘Bounce out of your leg-protectors.” ‘But I cawn’t get them loose, you know.”) Se Can’ tm ; Voce ee eS ee Rafiled it off at five cents a chance. ; ¢ hs
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14 HILDEBRANDT FITZGUM. fon ‘¢ What will Miss Gwace say to see a pair of pants on her stoop?” “Oh, it’s all the style. Some folks that want to be ter- ribly toney have a whole suit on their stoops, but most of them are contented with a pair of pants. Hildebrandt did not say whether he appr pcaiea the joke or not... He set to work getting out. of his so-called “‘ leg-protect- ors.”’ : * To his great disdiay he found that he could not. Billy tr ‘ied, too, In vain. The stoop stuck to the pants and the pants stuck to Hil- debrandt. Here was a nice situation for a nobby-going Englishman. ‘'This is h’intensely h’Amewican, you know. Paint your stoops with glue and stick a fellow to them just like a fly. Highly comical,” he groaned. “1'm afraid Tl have to cut you oif with an ax,” said Billy. Just then a policeman put his head over the fence. ‘© What are you two up to?” he growled. “Body-snatching,” politely replied Billy. -£"None of’ yer sass. What are you doing there? ‘been watching you for twenty minutes.” } “ Make it half an hour,” politely said Billy. In response the policeman opened the gate and came in. ‘Get off that stoop,” he yelled at Hildebrandt. ‘* I'd like to, baw Jove!’ ‘Why don’t you?” **Cawn’t, weally.” ‘Why not?” ae ‘‘ Tt’s too deuced fond of me. - Won’t let.me go. able feetle joke of mine—but a joke, anyhow. sawt of a thing once in a while.” ‘«Say, young fellow,” asked the peeler, turning to Billy, us explain this here racket. Is the swell crazy?” ‘‘ Jams,” quietly said ‘Billy. f Tight? : e Whooping. Thinks he’s.an alhgator, and wants some- body to fling a baby out of the window till he eats it up!” “YP llsoon club the alligator out of him,” said the officer, grasping his club. ‘It's a pwactical joke, I ain't dwunk!” said Hilde- brandt, in an agony of apprehension. ‘I’m stuck fast!” and he explained his predicament. "The policeman nearly burst his lungs trying to get him loose, but he could not. “Tl tell you what I’ll do,” at last he said. ‘‘ What?” asked Hildebr andt. “Three or four of the boys are off duty around the I've Wemark- Do that corner. I'll go around and get them.” He did. _ It was not long before he re-appeared with a number of stalwart fellow-oflicers. ; ‘‘T’l] make you all a handsome present,” said Hilde- brandt; ‘talk about Wobinson Cwusoe—lI wish I was on a desert island!” _ You get hold of his legs; I'll get hold of you, and we'll all pull together,” proposed policeman number one to his mates. The motion was carried. In the manner above they started to free him. The first attempt was-a most successiul failure. - The first officer had grasped Hildebrandt by the feet, and, otal pnspoges one of Hildebrandt’s shoes came off. ; The Officer fell back i in a hurry, and all in a heap the noble squad went down dae - ‘*Let me stay here,” pleaded Hildebrandt. ‘‘I’m all pulled apart, baw jovel feckon I'll go home in pieces, - hike a—a Chinese pizzle.” e We'll yank poe off, sir,’ ing himself up.. : “Yank cary or oul Pope mat; an’ 1b would be tewwibly | 45 Neca rp z y \ t eo9 tee ’ said the ret ‘policeman, pick. uncomfortable to sepawate. I would pwefer being a fwon! stoop ornament, or even a mummy, weaily 1 would, ali my — life.” * All right, sir,” was the reply. They ‘‘ ficked it again.” Victory was theirs. Hildebrandt came out of his pantaloons i in such a hurr \ that he was dragged down the steps before he hardly ~ knew it. “Tet up,” begged he; ‘‘weally; Ud wather walk the | rest of the way. | ism, * “*Mat’s a good hor se.” ‘¢ Told you we'd do it, sir,” remarked one of the, police- men, out of breath with the violence of his efforts. ‘¢ You have; weckon I'll hire the neawest hospital for a week,” groaned Hildebrandt, as he pulled out his purse and rewarded them liberally. ‘‘ How willl get home?” “¢ Ride,” said Billy. “ Wather wemarkable appawition I'd make for a stweet- car. Cannot I got a cab?’ asked our hero, ‘‘Gabs don’t grow in Harlem,” retorted Billy. “¢ You might as well sit down and watch for that fence to blow up as wait for a cab.” “ Ain't there a livewy-stable near here?” “One about ten blocks down,” said a lingering police- man. ‘*' It’sshut, though,” * “Then kow will we get home?” Hildebrandt sighed. °V tell you, sir,” said the lingering policeman. | «Baw Jove, you're an angel. ‘Not a twaditional angel - with wings, but another sawt of angel.” ‘Thanks, sir. Now TI will tell you, I own a turn-ont myself.” ; < . ‘intensely h’Amewican. Common policeman owns 2 — turn-out,” reflected Hildebrandt, half aloud. “That's nothing,” whispered Billy; ‘‘probably he bas not been long on the force. If he was an old hand, he'd own a six-story flat and a private park.” “You stay right here by the gate,” continued the police-; man, ‘‘and I'll go and hitch up,” and off he started. In about a quarter of an hour he returned, Instead of one horse he had two, saddled and bridled, / but no wagon. “T found ont that my wagon was broke,” he ‘explained, ‘*so I borrowed a horse. You ean ride horseback down- town.” ‘* But folks will see that I haven’t got any pants just the same,” said Hildebrandt. The policeman smilingly undid a bundle beneath his arm. — ‘“‘ Here’s a pair of rubber boots of mine,” said he; ‘they — come clear up to the knee, and your coat is long enough to. cover the rest.” Hildebrandt put thera on with a very bad grace. In reality, ¢ knew about as much about “riding horse- hack as a giraffe, but he was not going to give it away. ‘Are you a ood equestrian?”.asked the policeman, ‘* See this wing?” asked Hildebrandt in return. Cea sia i “The Cham of Tartawy gave it to me for my equestiwan-. Wode eleven. horses at once—stupendous miwacle) ot Ee gwace, you know.” “1 shonld think so,” stammered the abashed police. man. In the meantime, Billy had vaulted nimbly on ohe hor se" Bp back, leaving the other for Hildebrandt. The other was more of a curiosity than it was a horse. : Tt looked more like a dromedary in a fit of despair than | anything else. It was principally all bones. Be S The rest was sores. c: In fact, it was a horse that looked as if it would. drop down dead with surprise if it saw a square meal, ‘©What is it?” gasped Hildebrandt. thy eae “What's what?” asked the policeman, edie “That bweathing bone-wack.” asa UA G Iy eae %
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HILDEBRAND? ee M. 3 is vf “Good to start a gwave-yard with, ‘pwobably. # “He's fast.” ““Yaas, fast asleep, don’t douht Ths ‘You needn't take him if you don’t want to,” eels said the other, in a tone of pique. Hildebrandt realized that he wasn’t in a position to be very critical about a mount, ‘Yd wide anything to get home,” he said, ‘‘even a dwomedawy. Did wide a dwomedawy once out in Wussia. Wode it fourteen hundwed miles to escape wobbers. : valued the mails, sawtof twaveling post-office for the gov- ernment. Fact, ussureyou. See this wing? the Czar gave 1 to me in wecognition of my bwavewy.”” The policeman made no reply. Such artistic lying stunned him. After a brief conference about the disposal of the horses and their return the next day, Billy proposed that they start. “ Get up!” he-shouted. . E: His horse went along all right. Hildebran@t’s didn’t. Tt stood right still. Probably it wanted to stay there and die. ‘Get up, you bwute!” he yelled. The horse calmly scratched itself with its hind lee. “Tl start him,” volunteered the policeman, walking de- liberately up and kicking the blooded hospital, The wreck started. So did Hildebrandt. Over its head into the gutter, where he sat in an atti- tude of intense sur prise. ‘Pity there ain't paint on your saddle,” obseryed the policeman. ‘* Always get off that way, you know,” slowly picking himself up. get it.” ‘I suppose so,” laughed the other, as he helped him on his saddle again. This time Hildebrandt’ s bone specimen went. He was a fast horse. His gait was about equal to a funeral procession, and he might have beat a mud-turtle on a ten-mile race, “Ts say, Billy,” said Hildebrandt, after it had taken him about an hour to go a block, ‘‘just make a chalk-mark on that fence, will you?” , “ What) for?” “Want to see, you know, which way I am going. _ Blieve, baw Jove, I'm positively wetweating.” “ Get off and push, ” advised Billy. ‘Lots of fun for you,” Hildebrandt growled, ‘but it ain’t for me. ’Fwaid I will stawve to death before I get home.” ‘Kick the curiosity,” said Billy. Hildebrandt did. He administered a prize kick on the side of his noble _ 8aid Hildebrandt, “Dw opped a cigar, wanted to quadruped, and immediately gave a howl of pain: “(Where is the dwug-store?” bawled he. “Want a grocery-shop, eh?” Billy queried, ‘‘or a coal- yard! There’s two on thenext corner.” ‘No, I want a dwue-store.” ‘Whistle for one and see it come.” “Oh, blawst it, you know, i want a dwug-store to buy awnica. I’ve bwoke my toe.’ 4“ How? Qu “Kicking this—this iron foundwy. Stwuek a bone. This horse would make a wegular bon ton’ fortification. Yaas, of course. As a for tification he would be quite the pwWincipal capah.” “Til start him,” said Billy, and taking out his pocket- knife he quietly pricked the Conundrum’s hauncb. —— Off that horse went like a shot, Hildebrandt clinging ~ anxiously to his mane. ‘“Whoa—whoa!l you devil!’ yelled he. wuflian! * Will you stop, you piwatel” ‘*Glong!” shouted Billy, urging on his own horse. Hildebrandt’s nag kept on in its wild carver. Tt darted along with the velocity of a race-korse. “He'll win the cake,”’ yelled Billy. ‘‘Let him out, Hildy.” 5 ‘© No,” answered Hildebrandt: ‘‘for mercy’s sake, stop him, ‘He'll throw me off and kill me.” “You might as well get a harp now as any time,’ bel- lowed Billy.‘ Whoop! get up, Rarus!” Away pranced the horse. Over rough pavement, piles of dirt, hydrants, loose cobble-stoncs, and all other varied obstructions that litter up the prize streets of New York that animal went. As for Hildebrandt, he hung on with the desperate grip of despair. Half of the time he was on the horse’s back, and half of the time he was off. He was getting flung about in a style that was intensely comical, except to himself. 2 ‘Youre au elegant rider. Such grace,” sarcastically said Billy, who was keeping close behind. ‘* Whoal you “ You-- be—demned—nd— the—demned—horse—hbe— demnped—demned,” stammered Hildebrandt, for, owing to the jolts which he was subjected to every second, he could hardly speak. But his ride was at an-end. The brave horse attempted fo charge up a brick pile at full headway. The result was that he stumbled and fell TeASys shoot- ing Hildebrandt off. ‘When Billy reached the epot the horse was déad, and Hildebrandt was fairly erying with a broken arm. Billy summoned assistance, and took his cousin home m a cab. It was several weeks before he recovered. ‘Then he determined to go straight back to England. ‘« Blawst h’Amewical” he growled; ‘‘ wather, baw Jove, live in Afwiea. Evewybody ia h’Amewica is too h’intensely fwesh—too wecent. Give me h’England fowevah.” But he did not go back alone. ~ Miss Juliet Rooney Brown had been making love to him with great skill during his confinement to the house, She succeeded in the attempt. When Hildebrandt sailedback to his native Toast-beef and plum-pudding she accompanied him as his bride, As for Sin-Chow, he remained in New York and started - a laundry. One more character remains—“ My Quiet Little Cousin.” — He is.as quiet and as full of fun as ever. Indeed, his parents think strongly of making a minister out of him. . [THE END: ] Wseful and instructive Wooks. 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By a Retired Aronaut The Shortys Married and Settled Down—a se- - quel to all the Shorty stories—comic...... er By Peter Pad The Tree of Death..............By an Old Trapper The Twin Detectives; or, True to oot Other. y Ralph Royal William Tell, the Dead Shot of the rene Jowelds A83 Pair- peeenes Jack; 496 497 498 499 By Harry Enton }’ Trapper Duke; or, The Female Avenger. ; : By James D. Montague 2 Leon, the Outlaw; or, The Avengér of the Death Pass..i.....,6.c55 By James D. Montague 5 Yommy Bounce Jr, in College—comic......... By Peter Pad 504 Around the World; or, Fighting to Win....... By Harrigan & Hart Out With the ‘Jeannette’; or, Two Years Among Icebergs..........By & Herald Reporter een peut Drake; or, The Young Priva- seeetees By H.C. Emmet wred ord? or, ‘Lité at Boar ding-School....... By Captain Will Day: ton ) Billy Bakkus, the Boy With the Big Mouth— OMCs ves cccretese ese By Commodore Aff Look os and Arrow Jack, the Indian: Nemesis. ..¢ By Kit Clyde Arctic Phil, the Bear-Slayer of the Northern Seas.. . By Alex. Armstrong Fred Baxter, the W la” Horse Tamer. Ot y. I. Travers 2 The Brookfield Bank Robbers....By D. W. Stevens The Border Bandits .......By James D. Montague The James Boys and Timberlake.By D. W. Stevens Fighting Joe; or, The: Game Man of the Plains. By Kit Clyde ‘Invincible Bill. 504 506 | atereeesseby Alexander Ne eats Skeleton Gulch; or, Captain Texas and His Band of Vultures...) 0...2........ By J. Re Scott The Irish Claude Duval. as @ Privateer. ......« By Corporal Morgan Rattler The Woiyerine; or, The Count’s Treachery:... y a Parisian Detective Ben Bolt; or, the Young Blacksmith... ae By James D. Montague ‘The James Boys in Court... ae .By D. W. Stevens Bob. Roltick; or, What’ Was He bor n Kor -cOmic......< +.By Péter Pad Northwoods Tom, the Atulete unter sleeve ey By Kit Clyde se a Cabin. -Boy; or, Saved by Grit... ......+ By larry Rockwood 526 Astray in Africa... steeeseecesees+ BY Walter: Fenton Tiger Ted... «. rep ths Alexander pane The James Boys’ Cave. seepetees BY D. W.'Slevens The Black Mask; or, The Vow of Sil noe pate ba By T? W. Hanshew shel eeeseeee By Kit Clyde Notion Dr tummer— Sou’ West Fred sos... Bob Rollick, the ‘Yankee: {a hets comic; a Seqtiel to ‘“* Rob Rolliek; or, What. Was He Born For?!?. ........ tveelsBY. Peter Pud The James Boys as Bank Robbers, By D.W. Stevens The Black Hercules...... By Colonel J, M. Travers Fireman Dick; or, The Pride of Number 9.... By James, D, Monta at The. Shortys Out For Fun—comic....By Peter Pad Red River Bill, the ee of Scouts.By J.R. Scott ‘ ~ Do not fail to purchase one fom your new: “free, on receipt of price, 5 cents. WIDE. AWAKE LIBRARY---Special Numbers. ga ty 1 ‘The Life and ‘Trial ‘of Frank James. ; By D. W. Stevens | “True Stories Told by Frank James. ....... By D. W. “Stevens By D. W. Stevens «+++. By Peter Pad iB fh Frank James’ Prison Life.....:.. Joe Junk, the Whaler............ . oi The Deacon's SonAaies ieee ey Tom Teaser | 12 Ikey; or, He Never Got Left. i x a. Sees Bore Nea cartes, Se CA PY Neen rad 13 TM Las Brother Dan......,../..By Tom Teas . 536 Special Hxprere Ned, the Prince of Boy En- gineers.... -By Horace Appleton The Shortys? “Christinas and New Year's at Home—comic. .... veedsbcentes The James Boys’ Brides. ... -By D. W.-Stevens The Spies of the Delaware.........+. By Kit Clyde Denver Dan, Jr., and His Banc of Deadshots. By “Noname” The Steam Man of the Plains;. oh ane Terror of the West..,.... By. Harry Enton On Deck; or, The Boy Pilot of Lake Fries... By Howard De Vere Front Pole to Pole; or, The rae Boy Avenger, By Horace Appleton. Dick Wright and his Bend of Cannibals. By J. R. Scott d ane Boy Captain; or, The Search for a Missing Wijllstcacdcecahas taney -By Alexander Armstrong Pickle: and Tickle; or, erates and Mischiefs— comic....... +++... By Peter Pad Fort Hayes; or, ‘Bidek Ba ale, ‘the peoBers A5t By Don Jenardo 8 Noiseless Nat; or, Ahvays Just Where He’s WaANTEHs sie lek eiadven ce By James D. Montagne The Secrets Under the Sea.....:. is -By Kit-Clyde 550 ‘The James Boys’ Band,......-. y D. W. Stevens 651 Sam Sharpe at School.....By Bette Will Dayton 552 Privateer Toin—a sequel to ‘Captain Tom DIBKGet st ehee tucsiseeues es rie By H. C. Emmet 549 553 Frank Reade and His Steam Horse. By Harry Enton £54 Billy the Bootblack; or,'The Trump.Card Last, + By Harrigan & Hart 555 The Rival Scouts......... ss seet BY d. BR, Scott 556 The Coral Cave; or, Paul Philips Cruise, +... +: By Horace Appleton 557 The Army Scout; or, Tue My; teres of the West, By Kit Gly de 558 Missouri Jack and His Band of 79.0000... By James D, Montague 559 Lasso Luke; or, The Three Prairie Pards....< By Kit Ciyde 560 Shady Dell School; or, Haps and Mishaps of Schoolboy Life.......... By Captain Will Dayton 561 The a of Gold; or, Under the Shadow of CLIMO sieve sjactqne 562, The Mad Manvof the North Pole; or, The Boy Mazeppa of the Arctic Seas. Wet By Kit Clyde Extree Nick, the New York Newshboy.........-- 3 Comniodore Ali: Look 564 Oath-bound: or, The Jack of Spades.By J. R. Scott 565 Custer’s Last Shot; or, The Boy ‘Trailer of the Little Horn........008 .. By Colonel J; M. Trayérs 566 Gassy Hyde; or, The Vire- Boy. Fiend of Phil- | adelphiaw. Jc... By Corporal Morgan Rattler 507 Fred Hazard, the Star of the Circus........... By Horace Appleton 568 Coouskin Kit, the Dashing Government Scout, By Kit Clyde 569 ‘Denver Dan, Jr., and the Renegade.By ‘* Noname” 570° Billy Badger; or, The Mysterious Enknown of)! the Bank Robbers? Baud. By James D, Montague o71 The James Boys’ Fate........1..By D. W. Stevens 572 Mail-Car Ned; or, Falsely Accused..:... 0... ; By Alexander Armstrong 78 The Maniac Pirate... Horace Appleton 574 Smokestack Bob, the Hero of the Rail. By J. R. Scott 675 Nimble Nip; or, the Imp of the School—comic. By Tom Teaser 676 King Morgan, the Terror of the Seas........... By Alexander Armstrong: 577 The Convict’s pen; or, The Prisoner of Van -Dieman’s Land..........By James D, Montague 578 oe Serpent Queen} or, The Mysterious Night- © Riders of Georgia. ...+....-2... ....By Kit Clyde 579 The Fortune oes or, Two Yankee Boysin ~_ Australia. .i. 45 by Alexander ‘Armstrong 580 The Fatal Star.........-.-..-.By Horace App Bas 581 The Bootblack’s. Plot; or, “The Mystery. 0 Night, 2.0.2.0 ja devnetesns eens By J. R. Scott 563 7 FA Bad B ‘ Muldoon: the S Solia Mans) 05 -By Tom Teaser 9 Jimmy Grimes; or, Sharp, Smart and Sancy.. ‘By Tom Teaser -..-By Tom Teaser: . By Tom Teaser 153 By Tom Teaser 10 Two in & Box........... dae. 11 Muldoon’s Boarding-House. . «.... By Peter Pad |, PA tere 8 By Horace A'‘ppleton 582 Huron Harry; or, The Haunted Skit.) eee, By James D, Nontague 583 Doomed; or, The Secret League of Boston.s 2. By James D. Montague 584 The Maniac Rider; or, ‘The Mystery of Hawkes-, . ~ wood Grange....! ...By Horace Appleton 585 The Gipsies’ Den.........< «-. +. By Kit Clyde 586 Matt Merry; or, The Life of the School. Seca By Captain will Dayton 587 The Phantom Avengers or, Dick Darling. in, . . Montana..... yA Jexander Armstrong” 688 quRO TY the Texan; or, whe Demons of the 9, » By J. Re ‘Scott 589 Lost on “hie Desert; ‘or, The Guide's Treachery. By Jemteg, D, Montague 590 The Avengers’ League. pie TES | ‘““Noname 591 The “Sea Wave's” Last epee or, mis Pirates’ ORV R a we soate enue +-e«-+ By Kit Clyde 592 Cromwell’s Boy Spy or, The Roundheads and the Cavaliers....... .. By Horace Appleton 598 The Pirate Hermit; or, The W ‘ails Legacy er.. By Alexander Armstrong 504 Dick.the Shadow; ‘or, The Mysterious Trails of the Backwoods......... tyeeeee By JER, Scott 595 Kighting the Redksins; or, Beaver BOVs Last. Trail. . . By James D. Montague. 696 The Black “Domino; “or, The Jailer of the TOWOL cases ¢e +esee+ By Kit Clyde 597 Frank Reade and his Steam Team. bee sity eds & 598 Cheeky and Chipper; or, Through Thick and Thin. 92 Beidwiad UBy Commodore Ah-Look 599 Dead Man's Pond; or, ‘The Black Demon of the Sierras.....¢ -By Horace Appleton 600: The Tiger ofthe Seas: or. ‘Rorced to bea Pirate? By Alexander Armstrong, _ 601 Harry O'Malley, the Young Irish Invincible, By Sergeant O/Donnell 2 Arkansaw Bill, the Indian Spy..... By J, KR, Scott. #03 The King of the Deeps ees... By Kit Clyde: 604 Litte Death Shot; or, the Gold-hnnter’s Ghost By James D. Montague 605) The Magic Mirror........ Sia’ ++. BY Don Jenardo 606 Old Rube, the Ranger. eee hieeae ses pO Sids Ree Scott 607 Frank Reade and His Steam Tally-Ho,... <2. €08 ‘Out with Barnum....By Lieutenant Eh Kellogg 609 ptorin King Dick; or, The Boy Adventurers,. La By Captain Will Dayton : elo F: rank Durham, the King of the PO MUOYE 5 By Kit Clyde. 611 Hildebrandt) Fitzzum; or, My Quiet Little ©: «-. Cousin—comic...... +eeeesae BY Tom Teaser 612 Si Swift, $e Prince’ of Prappers.secas.see oe By James D, Montague: 618 The Hyena Hunters. or, Inthe Wilds of 614 The Phantom Pirate; or, The Fatal Oathwv..e +” By Alexindor, Arnstrong 615 The Young Fenian Oniefn. 5. ee 616) Among the Crocodiles; or, Adventures in. 617 Lance and Lasso; or, The Young Mustangers of the Plains:.....:...........By Marline Manly 618 The Ohief of the Nelawares,........ By Kit Clyde 619 The Shortys Out’Fishing—comic... .. By Peter Pad® 620 Coal Mine Tom; or, Fighting the Molly Ma- ' ‘gnires..... . By Sergeant O'Donnell 621 The Captain of ‘the Nines or, Aiways a Leader, * By Harry Hockey gout 622 Sassy Sam; or, A Bootblack’s aries Around ' the World—comie,..:.. By Commodore Ab- Look 623 Young Putnam; or, Always to the Front..... By Harrigan & Hart’ 624 Nugget Wed; or, The Mountain’ Qacen’s ” Vengeance....., pies e's 625 Frank Reade, Jr., and His Steam Wonder..... 626 The Booey of 76 ”; or, The Green Mountain 27 ‘Frank. Reade, Jr., and His Bectrie Boaty..... Lip eecaer, as they all hare One om hand; or they will be sent to your AAT Lea Price 10c. Each. eobeesdeenuBy Tom Teaser 14 Four Happy. Fellows; or, Muddied and Mixed ~ By Sam Smiley 15 Muldoon ADrOOd. ....s.seeeeeene es BY Tom Teaser 16 Senator Muidoon,.......... -By Tom Teaser. Sam; or, The Troublesome Foundling,....... ; By Peter Pad 18 Comic Sketches....,++++ a tensseseeeeedes BY EG!? 19 Ted The Joker; or, Fun Al ‘Around. By Sam Smiley er 20 The Fun Maker...:.... ee oo ‘FRANK TOUSEY Publisher. +....By Harry Rockwood - By Harry Rockwood DkeGeBY Morris Redwing sreseee- By Kit.Clyde ” a ‘ ae and 36 North Moore Street, N.Y ¥. prod Ax eaten : We a Wig SS a3