Five Cent Wide Awake Library (vol. 1) (1882 07 03)
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=). ee eee? te Y * Pets i Pe ee YS ~Sae* Be s Mia Py hs eee ¥ HE IVE CERT os KK, WES rh Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1882, by FRANK TOUSEY, tn the office of tne Librarian of Congress, at Washington, D Gj Entered at the Post Ofice at New York, N. ¥., as Second Class Matter, rr eee FRANK TOUSEY, PusuisHer, 34 & 36 Nonro Moors Stneet, N. Y. {_ PRICE No. A97, i COMPLETE. { NEw Yous, July 3, 1882. IssuED Eveny WEDNESDAY. 5 CENTS- Vol. I -The Shortys Married and Settled Down.. A SEQUEL TO ALL THE SHORTY STORIES. By PETER PAD. Author of “‘ Bob Roltick, the Yankee Notion Drummer,” “‘ Bob Kollick; or, What Was He Born For?” “ Ebenezer Crow,” ‘Stump; or, Little, but Oh, My!” “* Chips and Chin-Chin,” “‘ Stuttering Sam,” “ Tommy Bounce,” “ Tom, Dick, and the >” * Shorty; or, Kicked into Good Inck,” * Tommy Dodd,” “ Shorty in Search of His Dad,” ‘* Tumbling Tim,” ** The Shortys’ Trip Around the World,” etc., elc., etc., ete. ones aS vei ts Sd, PF Pla Oe > y i bee shine eda 9 et RSE OLY 4th Nhe ttt sce ne 1 on three babies, each one blackened up and dressed like a miniature negro minstrel. One of them wus squalling ke a E Tied into <hree high-chairs were the : ¢ young hurricane, another was gazing with wide open eyes, while the third was laughing and crowing delig
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THE SHORTYS MARRIED AND SETTLED DOWN, Author of “Bob By PETER PAD. aa A SEQUEL TO ALL THE SHORTY STORIES. Rollick ; or, What Was He Born For?” ‘Ebenezer Crow,” ‘Stump ; or, Little, but Oh, My!” “Chips and Chin Chin,” ‘Stuttering Sam,” ‘Tommy Bounce,” ‘‘Tommy Bounce, Jr., a Chip of the Old Block,” ‘‘Tommy Bounce at College,” Tom, CHAPTER I. WELL, fellows, here we are again! I did think after bringing the Shortys back home from their trip around the world, that they would naturally simmer down and pass the remainder of their days in uneventful quiet, but I should have known them better. I should have known that such a thing as quiet is | grea impossible with them, although I feel convinced that the world at large might never have heard of them n had it not been for the original Shorty himself, a low who probably never will be quiet until he turns his toes up to the daisies, On their return from the long journey they had taken, they all three of them—the old man Burwick, Shorty, and the Kid—rested in New York for about a mon The old man wanted to rest longer, in fact, he would have kept quiet the remainder of his life, but ; sags got restless and wanted to travel around some “ ore. He took several short trips alone, visiting Boston, Providence, Springfield, Hartford, New Haven, Albany, Buffalo, Niagara , and other yg while grand- father and m remained quietly in New York, leaving sty occasionally for short trips to neighbor- - ing localities. "It is said that “oft threatened comes at last;? that ae “the pitcher that goes often to the well is broken at iy that “every man meets his fate some day,” and rat Bat so with Shorty. -Thelad whom we have known so long; who had trayeled.tens of thousands of miles without mee b got caught outon the fly at last, althoug mighty dark about it at first. ina Soap days at Niagara Falls, 1 Tad bat ont bout a head tall : feeod soaking iy only about a hea: er ; Fran ihorty was himself; butif her physical figure , it was the first time in his life that Shorty had ever been in love with woman. He “had ’em bad,” and for a time it took "the deviltry all out of him. He was traveling under the name of George Bur- wick, which was really his right one, and was square- _ ly on his good behavior. . He was more of a swell and than we have ever known before, and as _ it was possible for him to show a bank sone it is not to be wondered at that Widow Budge They parted after a week’s acquaintance to meet _ again at Newport, and there they resolved on getting z , although on account of their size it was to a@ private wedding; after which they Te start right off on their honeymoon tour, with- | ont letting any of their friends or relations know t a minister to hitch them up privately iately started for the West, going by way of Falls, where they first met, and so ese = did they become in each other that they both _ Sorgot all about their friends and relations. -. ‘Indeed, Sho i one from New York to Ni rt f ah tag telling Tr and son where he was going, for him. ‘Finally a month passed by without their hearing ling from him. and they began to grow anxious. ey had both noticed that he had acted , his return from the Falls, and now that _¢ame to think of it in connection with his lo e. absence, it made both father ani And here is where I got let into it. | Taking up the Herald one morning about that time, SS as asto to see the following ‘* Personal ’’: i y. and son Dick, and the —,” “Shorty; or, Kicked in Search of His Dad,” “Tumbling Tim,” ‘‘The Shortys? _ _Orhow long he intended to stay, which was something the rip Around the World,” Etc. Etc. “GEORGE BURWICK (‘Shorty’):—Where are you? Communicate at once with your anxious father. “JOSIAH BURWICK.’? Was it possible that anything could haye happened to my little old friend? Without loss of time I went to Mr. Burwick’s hotel, where I found both he and the Kid plunged in the test anxiety and grief. > “Mr. Pad, what on earth do you think has become of him ?”’ asked the old man, anxiously. “ Oh, I think he will turn up all right,” said I. “Do you really think so, Petey?’ asked the Kid; and I never saw him look so sober before. “Yes; he has probably gone off yachting with some of his friends, and it may be impossible for him to com- municate with yon, or he may have written, and the letter miscarried.’” “Tam afraid not, Mr. Pad: Iam afraid that some- thing has happened him (hadn’t there something hap- pened him, though!) and that he has been murdered,” said the old man. “Oh, I cannot believe that, my dear sir.’” “Now hole on, Petey, yer know dat dad allus carried 8 Scoop of shug with him?” “jWell, yes; I know that he could generally sit down on a pretty fair-sized boodle.” “Dats it, dat’s what we're afraid of. May be some duffer found it out an’ laid for him,’ said the little fel- low, with great earnestness. “¥ cannot believe it,” I replied. “ And besides that, I have a fear that he may have made away with himself,” said the old man. “What!” I exclaimed; “Sho make away with himself? (But hadn’t he, though!) Shorty commit suicide? Shorty, the happiest, most genial soul in the world, he make a vulgar ‘stiff’ of himself? No, no. Take any shape but never tremble. As well believe that Momus himself would get the blues.” “But stranger things than that have a pone When we saw him last, on his return from ra Falls, where he had been a coupie of weeks, we both noticed that he looked and acted strangely. There was & sober, far-away look in his eyes, and he had but &@ little to say about anything.” “Is thatso? Well, he may have fallen in love with somebody. That generally makes a man sober.” a! nonsense! I cannot believe that le any more than you believe it possible that he commit- ed suicide.’ “Bah! Dad arn’s that kind ofa ruffie,” said the Kid. “Well, at all events, you will probably hear from him before long,” said I. : “IfI don’t hear from him this week, I shall inform the ees and set them at work.” - I Jeft them with the best consolation I could give, and two days afterward I called They had heard nothing from him, althongh several of his old friends who had seen the advertisement had called to inquire, and both father and son were plunged in Oe ad it Sorrow. tel h : at while we were speaking a telegraph messenger Tapped on the door of their room. The Kid flew to open it, for he had béceme so nervous that he could not keep still. 5 “Josiah Burwick?’ asked the messenger boy. “Yes, that’s me!’ exclaimed the old man, leaping oe easy Kore and xanning to cr — message, whatever it w: e trotted back to the light, i Breaking the envelope with nervous hand he opened dispatch and read aloud, as follows: “ CHIcaco, Ill., Wednesday, “Dear DaD—Just read yer ad. Forgot all ’bout yer, Y | I’m herean’ married, Will be home again next week. Yum, yum, yurfi! Sorry.” The old man dro all ina heap upon and the Kid stood ae tho n paralyzed. empiets o Welepuniel te SU low wit some ice wate e t) ow some ice and he gradypally revived. oh t, and my firm nerves shall | nim into Good Luck,” ‘Tommy Dodd,” § “Ts that so?” were the first words he after got him into his chair again. spoke aftet we rhe Rl uated up he dipaen e pic up the dispai m the . “Petey, ole man, read dat again; | oe der nerve,” said he, with a voice trembling tion. reeds oe said the old man faintly, I the dispatch to them again, “T don’t believe it,” said the old man, “It's a racket,” put in the Kid, “Yes, just like him.” “Der idea of dad’s getting hooked up! Nixy}? “But he is alive at all events,” saiq E “Yes, thank heaven for that, he is aliver? the ol@ man cried, most fervently. “But dat’s some of his taf! No hook up, oh, nos not unless he’s got off his nut,” protested the Kia.” “ De ne mendouneedly Re ey one of his old racke e thou, e Wo create ena bep eras 5 aber “Well, lam glad to know e is still of the living, for whether he is really mapoet ope does not so much matter; it’s a trifle better than being aca Welt maybe, trifle,” mused the ell, maybe, & trifie,’? mu’ old man. “At all events, I shall call up and see him Een when he “That's right, come of course.’? “But don’t e t ter find him hookea cee added the Kid, as I took my leave, f course at that time I knew no more abont it than ne did, but it somehow ak in my mind that the e ed. , Petey; And I must confess that this belief grew he more I thought aboutit, and I conja rd iy wait for next week to come that I might make sure of it, and I said to myself: ‘‘If he really has t married, the probability is that I shall have something more to write for THE Boys OF NEw York him.” m me th his legs wide apart, his arms hanging listlessly at his side, and his whole appearance Ta tenet a ie 3 ey (00) ly up, but neither “Well?” said I, after waiting a moment witout fe ceiving either a’ welcome or a recognition. They opened their eyes slowly, “Has Shorty returned y’ They both groaned, him?” t do you say? Has anything happened te Two more Groans; one a bass, the other a treble. Pete, he’s here,” said the Kid, but in a tone. that might have made a person think he had been brought home on ice or in a casket. pers ¥ Well, how 1s he?” and again the old man groaneq_ Petey, he’s done it!” r Done arhat I asked, though I strongly Suspecteq, 0: “What! ishe really married?” 5. meh Mr. Pad, don’t harrow US UP,” Said the old n, sadly. $3 “No, Lwon’ My agricultural Implements are ait in the couniry. But tell me aboutit.” saiq 7, x “Petey, it's awfal! Oh, that awful dad of mine ?? think of ity, eu Fos Dat Re good thing for him; Per. a good, Sobe; ac She’ will settle down and become he 1 don’ . £0 oldman Lod ” reishe? I'd like to see said, watching chely conical auguist fo Mir, t Se Miler
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“ They’ve gone on a wheel.”’ “On a what?” **They have gone out fora ride; Mr. Pad, he and his —his——; yes, gone for a ride.” “ Say, Pete, he’s fine sugar,” said the Kid, with a ‘tthe more animation in his voice.” . wine sugar Y? “He’s mashed on der ole girl; dead gone. Say, never saw anything like it. ‘They don’t do anything | pat give each other tail.” “ Well, that is only natural, seeing that they are just “We haven’t married and their honeymoon is at its full) Whatsort ofa looker is she?” | “She was a wid, Pete.” | “A widow ?? “ Got two kids !? “When? How old??? “Don’t know,” replied the old man. had the courage to ask particulars yet.” “ How old do you think she is?” | “Forty, I should say. Passably good-looking, but | g full head taller than he is.”” * An’ he says she’s got a big shug-box.’? “Got money,ehy Well, that’snice,I guess, Shorty 4s too level-headed to make a fool of himself.’? * But he’s married!’’ protested the father, « And got two kids,” chirruped the son. “ Well, that’s all right, ifshe has a plenty of money besides,” said I. og No, no, Mr. Pad, you dont’t offer us any sympathy atall. Don’t you see that he has broken up the family? | What will become of us now?” = oe yes, I dare say you will miss him.” Miss tim! . I’d rather buried him,” nm “on don’t say that, Mr. Burwick.” “Mr. Pad, you’re not a father,’ and the old man pulled = wet towel down over his face and blubbered cea “ Pete, Ties tough. ButI put ae my hands,’ said the Kid, holding up his hands and shaking his head. “What do you mean, Chawles ?’ “T shake ,’? and getting up, he strode savagely to the window and looked ont. ell here was a family peop eee indeed! Iwaited a moment, trying to think of something to Say, when I heard a cheery voice outside, and the next instant Shorty bounded into the room. ~ He stopped a second on seeing me, and ten ap. proached with extended hands, gloved’ to the queen taste, ~ Hello, Peter! bust my kids!?? he exclaimed, plac- ing his nands in mine. ‘3 Better bust yer snoot!? I heard the Kid yah without turning around. pee the old man did not remove the Pahehi. from his fa ** Shorty, to see pares said I, asI vigor- ous! asyety his stout little hands. h, call me George, Peter, call me George Bur- wick, — » said he, with a comic epee and rT that were irresistible. “Ah, T eouldn’t think of ever ane you anything _ but Shorty, unless it should be in the presence of your wife. I’m confounded men to see you.”? “Tye got it dat way, too, Pete.’? “And so you have——” “ Skip an’ done it. I suppose these duffs have told all about it.”? es, and ty ap to feel very bad abont it.” “Oh, they it with themselves! Why, them roosters thoes chap don’t want to do oe but dance around wid them. Don’t mind ’em, eat they’ll get over itafterawhile. Comein, I want ter introduce yer ter der queen bee; come along, but be sure an’ call me Jawage,” said he, catching hold of my hand and laughing in his old way. I glanced at the old man and the Kid, but they had hot moved, and without saying a word to them, I fol- lowed my little old friend, Arriving ata aoe ee er, opened it, and I was shown into a magnifi ed room, and pres- ently out pas teed a bight plump, | pone little lady, still dressed for a drive, but she stopped on seeing a r, and I had a chance to, observe that she was rather good-looking, withal. “Kate, my old 1 fe-10' friend, Peter Pad; Mr, Pad, Mrs. Burwick,” said he, troducing us. She advanced and otenaen her hand most gracious- none, a of my husband's is always | VW. most welcome,” said she. I thanked and congratulated her. She wasacharm- ing little body, with a voice as sweet as her smile, and I — a bit surprised that Shorty had fallen in love eget had concealed nothing from her, only the fact his career had been written and pub’ blished by me, although he had often told her of me as one of his par- ticular friends, she informed me, and so I gave nothing ats gwa We conversed for nearly an hour, Soe which nies ® waiter had dispensed a bottle of champagne moisten our throats, and I left fally in the belief that Sho} had made still another hit in getting such a wife, and when he*followed me outI wae bim my a with earnest congratulations. _ “ How is she for high, Pete?” * Elegant,”’ She’s eighteen carat fine.” “TI think she how about the _ man and __ “Big boobies! But they’ll take a roll off presently, after they’ve sent their pout and wl, never fear, But come an’ see me often, Pete. You're always wel- ree yon nara t that I would, and left the hotel with ; Goethe nm on the old manand the Kid, con- “woult 1 Ow you understand ‘a about it, and aad ret eee ee et andI Se pen both. But | in a short time proved to be by far the most comical and interesting set of episodes that I have ever yet} 1 written of this remarkable family of Shortys. - The fun and complications grew fast and furious from the hour of Shorty’s marriage; but in order that you may both understand and enjoy it, I have com- menced at this point, and shall give it to you just as it happened thereafter. The old man and the Kid did not recover from their sulks and lamentations for several days. The Kid re- covered first, however, for Shorty’s wife took a great fancy to the little runt, whose stepmother she was, and brought all her woman’s ingenuity to bear upon until finally he began to think that she was just old peaches, and so he gradually became reconciled to the change that the marriage had produced. Not quite so soon with the old man Burwick, how- ever. He recovered slowly, and was not so suscepti- ble to the blandishments of his daughter-in-law as the Kid was. But in the course of a week or ten days after Sho: return from Chicago, the two daughters of his w: who had been apprised of the marriage, came to pay them a visit. Whew! This astonished everybody but aot mother and daughters, for they were — of them full-fledged sah although they. were very short, like the mother. One of them, Angelina, Was seventeen, and the other, Caroline, was about fifteen, and they were well- formed. Foon -looking girls, pitt the single exception of their Shorty was delightea with his ste a very short time they came to like body did who came in contact with him. He took them to places of amusement, and made it just as nice as possible for them; and even the Kid be- came greatly taken with his stepsisters, especially the youngest one. But when the old man saw this, his disgust became greater than ever to think that Shorty had married a woman with daughters old enough to be mothers themselves. And so, when they wanted him to make up a party to go riding or to a theater, fie always had some excuse for not going, and remain in his room to growl and drink brandy, his only consolation now. “I know it will kill me? he would muse, when alone by himself. “I know it will bring my gray hairs down with sorrow to the grave;’’ and then he stroked his bald head without ever thinking where the gray hairs were to come from. me in my sorrow; my grandson—the last child 1 had— he forsakes his poor old father and goes off frolicking with the women folks the little fool. Maybe he will get crazy the same as his father did, and get tied up to & woman. Good Heavens! if that should happen I know I should die. I’ll warn in time, and see him whata fool his father has made of himself, an save him from such a fate if possible.” But in spite of his dislike of the whole thing, Shorty’s wife and daughters liked him, as they did the other two. Indeed, they considered them thet funniest famil y of little men they had ever seen. Shorty as- tonished them with his performance on the banjo (he never forgot or forsook that), as he had so many thou- sands of others, and the yery power of music bound the whole family closer together. At the same time it must be borne in mind that the Budgh Sealy were no slouches. All three of them laughters, and in just as every- PN rs and musicians, and what ae th § cea and the Kid-more than anything the fact of their having a comic vein in their Suearent ready for a lark ora aces ke. and being alw: bi A jollier fa cannot be conceived of than one was, for there wan something funny going on all the time. In fact, the three females were as much like the three Sho: as it could be possible to match the whole world over. Andit was this jo so ? Recent jovial disposition on the part of them all that more than anything else to. choke the old man out of his blues, And yet he was not exactly pleased with things, and took every opportunity to warn the Kid against losing the level of his head. “Seems to me you are very thick with ‘that girl, Caroline, lately,”? he growled to him one day. “Thick! why, I’se rightin der fam. Shes my step- sis, she is,’ replied the Kid. “Well, Just be careful and see that the relationship doesn’t go a stepfather,” replied the old man. “What? and the little fellow struck an attitude of astonishment. ‘Be careful that she does not wheedle you > her mother did your father.” “What! marry my step-sis? Pop, yergoin’ clear or base.?? “Well, I think it is my duty to warn yon. for I have not failed to notice that she thinks a great deal of you.’ “Course, why shouldn't she like herstep-bub? She's a bully gal,” is Reaiyes ** Yes, well enough at arm’s length.” > a Yantsyumoye um!?? “T really hope you will be sensible, Charley.” ‘*Oh, give us a rest! Yer’ve got ‘der wust case of growl I ever see,” replied the little fellow, leaving the room to seek his step-sisters. eee | ie hina ose estas have a quiet, va only set the to thinking in a way he might never have tumbled into but for him. grandfather had dro some yeastinto the dough, and at once the Cake began to rise to rise, CHAPTER IL. ONLY 8 few da the convi tion that had ‘taken place between ool “And now the Kid forsakes |. : preone Kid and the old man in re- lation = SAHdainep the Kida and Carolee Budge were: Their first day's absence did not create much alarm, for they were often away together on excursions, but — when they failed to return at night all hands beeame — decidedly anxious, And yet some accident might have happened to Keep them away, and so they hoped — for the best. What that accident was is explained in the following telegram, received the next day: “Delevan House, Albany, Thursday. “ Dear Dad: ‘Caddy’ and I were tehed up matrimonial team yesterday. Yum, yum, yum! “Be home in a few days. THe Kr. Talk about electric shocks! Here was a iho thunderbolt. Shorty and his wife were paralyzed at the audacity of the thing, and the old man was put to bed, sick, and & doctor sent for. “Well, dat carols ther bun !’? mused Shorty, after the first excitement was over. “ And only see what a complication it makes,” said his wife. “Not that I care particularly, for I think Charley just splendid, but only think of the’ relational — ; comp! cation.” ee “ And think of dad.” eas “Yes, poor dear old dellow. Your getting married cr nearly broke his heart.’” = “An? this ‘ll make hask of it, I’m afraid,” sald Shorty, seriously. “T should like to comfort him, but I lack the nerve to gotohisroom. How is he now? piven: him something ter quiet his ‘herves, and I guess “Can't get a word out of him; but ther doc. has ell come out all right.’ “ And, George, do aa suppose he has stream of | those complica’ ons? Ibope not,’ she added, “How do you figure ’em out, honey ad “ Why, just look at-it; you are Charley’s father ada his father-in-law. You are also father-in-law to * Caddy,’ your step-daughter, while I become the mother-in-law of my own daughter, also the mother-in-law of my — step-son, and——”’ “Hold on! When! Oh, give us a rest, Kate; it makes my head swim,’’ cried Shorty. “ But that isn’t all of it.” “That's enough, honey. Don't say a word about it to anybody, and perhaps they won’t find it out. Father-in-law to my own kid!’? and he shook his hewis sadly as he fell back into a chair. “Oh, if ‘Cady’ had ever hinted to me anythin, about it I could have told sad how it would be, but it is too late now,” she added, with a sigh. “Qh! oh! oh! it’s a terrible thing to be a father.” _ “Alas! no worse than to be a mother.” At that moment Angeline Budge, her oldestand only single daughter, now entered the room. et guess you had better go in and see him, Pop; for — he seems out of his head,” said she. : “What! Sax | old man off his nut?” exclaimed Shorty, — leaping to his feet. Se * He is talking somewhat wildly.”” With a nto te ee Some Ai to 7 aoc ied, an le tru ie was no iz ell himself, What a fool thatlittle rascal had made * of Shimeelt in following his Semen ; He found the old man in bed and all broken up . and sighing over too last straw that had roken the pene back. He looked up as Shortyst7 ow der yer segaciate ee «On, Short, 1 think this blow rill ki me,? ne. moan “Nonsens! What’s der matter wid yer? Brace up and show yer gait.”” “Oh, my boy, this is dreadful.’ : “Dreadful fanny; dat’s all I catch on ter.” : “Funny!” and the old fellow groaned again. “Let der Kid hook up if he wants ter; it will ake i @ man of He’s no chicken, an’ it’s likely he wants a hen as much as anybody.” “But I’m certain that it will Ein me."? “Bet yer a hundred ter one’ it don’t! exclaimed Shorty, y) gouing out a roll of bills, 2 horty, how can you be 80 frivolous ??? sf — friv. Here’s my shug.” . < e Buty you must know that I aaa not bet ia such a ; Me Dat's cos yer haven’t gotdernerve. Bah! *fore va be a baby. Brace up an’ show yer style.” “Shorty, I don’t want you to talk to me if this is the way ae oe with my sorrow.” many my ded was game.” a ae oe but he has got a heart.” yer must have “Guess not. At all events I 2 eens - wid a chicken. Soy, w U's der use of cryin’ for spilled milk? “ ny sete MAY be no use in it, but the milk iota e same. “Oh, go buy some more. Soy, I'll tell yer what ter. do, dad: buy some condensed milk next time: it won't spill so 7 he added, laughing at his father’s dis- comfo = “ All right; ll show ros what kind of milk Iwi ws ae buy. Beer you telegraph for my lawyer, Mr. Townley, <= to come up here at once.” s02 aR cs _ When. my will in: favor of your Seton Now that he married, I changed my and made a fool of himself, he shall not have a cent of atly ne No, sir, I will found a ital with it.” ~ : “Good lick! _ Call it the Shorty Hospital for Sick Bachelors,”’ suggested the little wag. Py “Never mind whatI call it, I shall une to founding a hospital, and cut eee outa aie a otk a Wi
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THE SHORTYS MARRIED AND SETTLED DOWN. your hospital. Found a nunnery or a free beer-shop ~ at the same time,”’ he added, laughing. “Very well, but you will both be sorry for the way ~ you have treated me.’* “Get out! I allus treated twice ter yer once.”’ * “Go and telegraph for my lawyer,*’ said he, motion- for him to begone. _*“Shan’t I telegraph for a priest, too?’ “No, sir!’? thundered the old man, rising up in his bed. “What do I want ofa priest?’ “Yer said yer was goin’ ter chip in, an’I didn’t know but yer wanted ter say yer little ‘now I lay me’ rij 86 Begone, siri’? _ “I be-gone, sir,’’ replied Shorty, walking from the - room, having succeeded in doing just what he wanted tod t the old man mad. He knew that dad of his better than.the dad knew elf, and he felt confident that if he could only tease him in some way until he got mad, it would do much more to make him get over his sentimental sor- row than any other kind of treatment would. _ And he was right, for after Shorty had left him he “goteven madder yet, and finally got up out of bed and dressed himself, while Shorty telegraphed for the _ lawyer as requested. _ “Oh, I'll make those fellows sick. I will give all " my money to charity and then leave them to their _ own distruction. I'll goback to California and live out the remainder of my days there. They have both tried to break my heart, but they shan’t do it, I’ll be ne anes if they shall. They shall not have that satis- Li bess on,’ he muttered, as he proceeded with his dress- 4 That lawyer came. That will was drawn up and _ witnessed in such a way that all the lawyers in the - world could not break it, although Dy the time every- thing. was done the old fellow had gotten over _ Worst madness and was now comparatively calm. On the following day the Kid and his little bride re- turned, although they did not intend to stop in New York only long enough to receive the parental bless- ing, after which they were to travel for ayhile before se fling down. - > sche tion which they received was not a very -enth ic one, and the “blessing” not very fervent on the right side. “Now, soy, pop, what’s der use of ear ‘bout it?” he asked, when Shorty chided him for what he had done. “Old ones crow, young ones earn, yer know.’* df oh who's crowin’ #? growled Shorty. In’t you crow ?” « blintyer get marca? n’tiyer get married 7"? * Oh, er ap So take yer honeymoon trip and stay a@ hundred years.”? “But, soy, we want yer blessin’,” said the little monkey, poking the ribs. "Oh, go to the——, “Well, take it, take it, and may ‘ou—may you be as happy as 1 am,’ said/he, halfre- uctantly, : “Dats good *nongh! ‘Now, mama, ain’t'we just a » jolly little pair?” he wsked, 73 Shorty’s wife who was indeed a mama, be! step-mother and ‘Mother-in-law to him. - BOER phe bean you - é mothers. a . "Well, soy, you didn’t consult us, did yer sinus % yum! exclaimed the Kid, giving hera ig and ty Charles!’’ You ought to be ashamed of yourselves,’’ said An- Agee who seemed greatly shocked at such doings in $6 Mavecantad Angie, it will be your turn ” evi ’ ur ne. Te- plied the Kid. : e aa deed, and if it ever does come my turn, I don’t think I shall make such a fool of myself as to marry my, step-brother,” she replied, somewhat tartly. “Soy, Angie, der nearer yer get ter der bone der sweeter der meat is. But come, let’s go and get ‘andpop’s blessin’’’ he added. EB TP guess the best thing to do will be not to call upoin ben after we return, and by that time he will cooled off ps. We don't want his money, would like to have his blessing and forgive- A ttin’ on yer. “He says no, with four exclamation points,” said ec. “Dat settles it.. I'l] cut him off wid a sixpence,” said the Kid, although it was quite evident that he felt a trifle disappointed. 3 : A nice little wedding-breakfast followed, at which they all sat down; but in spite of good things to eat and drink and the presence of such a closely united family, there wasn’t the amount of jollity in it that had marked so many other reunions of theirs. ; The old man was not there, of course. On the con- trary, he was faming about his parlor, mad again to think the Kid should have the cheek to ask to see him after what he had done, Indeed, he was so indignant about if, that he began to pack his trunks, vowing that he would start for California at once. Angelina Budge surprised him’ at this when she called at his room to learn how he was, and if there was anything she could do for him. To tell the trath, she sympathized with him deeply. ‘Ah! you are better, I see.’’ . - * Well, I soon shall be,”’ he replied. “What do you mean?’ “1 shall be better when I am away.”? * Are you really going away, Mr. Burwick?) she asked, in surprise. “Iam. I am going to California, and leave these unfeeling sons of mine here,’ said he, and the tears she detected in his eye brought one from hers. “But do you really think, sir, that such a {course would make you happier?” “Miss Angelina, I’m a broken-hearted father.” “Oh, please don’t say thac, Mr. Burwick,” said she, with much earnestness. “Only think of it! We were so happy before these events. We had all we wanted inthis world; we could go where and do whatever we liked; we were respon- sible to no one but ourselves; we lived together here m this hotel; we had friends and all sorts of amuse- ments, and 2 was so fond of my children, that life seemed like heaven, and earth like paradise to me. Now all this ha’ come to an end, and Iam left alone!” said he, speaking with great feeling and pathos. “Oh, Lassure you that I ae athize with you very deeply, Mr. Burwick. It really is too bad, but do you on that your going away will make it better or you ppier?? “Well, I certainly cannot be more unhappy than I nowam. Only think of it, Angie, I have not a soli- tary one to love me now.” “Oh, yes you have. Yonr sons—we al love you dearly,” she said, taking both of his hands in hers and looking him earnestly. in the face. “No, they domot love me; they have both got some- else ‘to love, and I am left out in the cold to shiver and die alone, forgotten.” “*No, no, do not say that, Mr. Burwick. Your sons will love you just the same, and in addition to thatyyon shall have our loves; and together we can be such a happy family.» Please, do not go away, Mr. Burwilck” The old man shook his head sadly. “Your sons love you still: this is only a change, but because it is one, there is no reason why we should not all be just as happy and even happier together as a family. Why, it would be a genuine happy family, if we all stick together.”” “Tam afraid not, Angie. . Your loving, hopefal heart makes you think so, but I tell you, Angie, both youand I would be forgotten in that family you speak of. And presently, of course, you will be getting married, and then indeed I shall be lest all alone as a wilted tail to the matrimonial kite. No, I think I had better go nd pina trae ad said he, again turning to the work of packing his trunks, “I would not go ifI were you, sir.” “T see no help for it, Imust have somebody to love and care for me, just as my son and grandson did, and now that they have got others on whom to bestow their love and attention, I feel that I should be a beg- gar, and in the way at that.” * Bat why not get married yourself?” The old man was stooping over a trunk as she said this, but he straightened up with a snap, like the open- ing of a jack-knife. “What is that you aay, ried?” he asked, after lo astonishment. “Well, at all hai that would insure you some- body to love and care for you. Se Sh! there is little love left in the world for me.’ ~ “Indeed, we do’ not know what is in store for us. You might find some one who would make you even happier than your sons have.” “No, no, that is impossible. Please don’t mention such a cure for this aching void. Ihave tried it; yes, I tried it years ago, but it brought no happiness. and I Miss Budge; me get mar- Oking at her a moment in only knew what it was when I had found my long lost | groa son, and my grandson, now lost to me again.” “But you certainly do not believe that because one apple ina barrel which you chance to get is bad, that they all are, do you? “No, but don't, Miss Angie. At my time of lifetit would be worse than foolish for me to get mar- ried, to say nothing of the improbability of my finding a woman who would marry me, save for my worldly possessio : “Oh, I do not believe so badly of women as that, There are good and bad among them, as there are among men, but I believe there are women who would marry you simply because they loved you, and wished to make you happy.” “Please don’t talk that way, Angie,” said he, with much pathetic earnestness. * But please don’t go away, at least not now. Wait awhile and see if what yon now regard asa misfor- tune does not turn out a blessing.” te *I don’t see how it can.” ae “Oh, please don’t go away, there's a dear good. man,’ said she, throwing her arms around his neck and giving him a kiss," — ; F Nothing thought of kissing an old man, you know. -* Ar—a——” here he was stuck. That kiss almost deprived him of breath, for it was the first time a lady had kissed him.in thirty years. : ‘Now promise me you will not go, please,” “Why, Angie, I——” . ‘We will ‘all try to make you happy; at least, I know I shall.” “Ah, I am afraid I shall never know what happi- ness is again,” but as he spoke he had his arm around her waist, just as though he was not sure that it might not be found after all. “Well, it certainly is worth trying for, is it not? she asked, ete a into his face. “Indeed it is,” he replied, and for some reason or other his arm contracted a bit imits hold. “IfI was only certain of it.” “Butyou acknowledge that itis worth trying for; then why not stay and try for it?” * Angie, this—this is too sudden.” “ What is too sudden ?”” “Why, this—this. No, no, come and see me to- morrow and perhaps I shall feel differently.” “ Very well, I will come and see you about noon to- morrow; but I hope you won't go.” “Well, we shall see. Good-bye.” “Bye, bye;’? and she went from the room. The old man stood gazing after her like one whose heart was’ in a dream. Finally he sank into his easy chair and began to gasp for breath. Something or other had taken a powerful grip upon him and he didn’t seem to know what the matter was Or what to do. Finally his breath began to come back to him, but he used it for heavy breathing. and at the same time he was gazing wildly around the room. E “Gracious!” he finally ejaculated, and then he drew another long breath. » ‘‘ Oh, pshaw! I know I must be | out of my head. _Wheu! Butshe is a very nicegirl at all events. Yes, I am quite sure that she sympathizes with me, and perhaps, after all, I had better remain awhile, and see how the thing goes, But for all thatit e awful, Yet’on her account I will try it awhile onger. Then he be; to unpack his trunks and to put things back where he had taken them from. But dur- ing the entire day his mind was in a whirl, and he could not think ofanything rationally, Shorty and his wife had gone to Long Branch for a few days, and the Kid, with his bride, had gone somewhere else, leaving only he and Angelina at home. : They met as per ment the next day, and hada ~ long talk together. He informed her that for her sake he had concluded to remain awhile longer, and see if he could find happiness. , o “ Angie, I have concinded that you was right, and that it would be serving them ag they deserve if I should go away all unbeknown and'get married,” said he, finally. “So it would,” said she, quickly. - “But where can I find the proper lady ?? “Don't you know of one?’ she asked, archly. “No, that is—I—oh, it would be a great joke! he oe exclaimed, wing her close to him. ~ atP? - He whispered to her; she smiled and blushed. “ Wouldn't it?” * “Yes, indeed it would.” .- They swapped whispers some more. He looked at his watch; she ran to her room, and the old man, all excitement and smiles, began to load up a gri CHAPTER Il. - Two days after the events narrated in the preceding chapter Shorty and his wife came back from Long Branch, the Kid and his wife being still away some- where, and a short time after his arrival he received the following telegram: x INTERNATIONAL Hore, Niagara Falls. “Dear GEORGE:—Angie and I are here. We were - married last Wednesday. Yum, yum, yum! " Back again s00n, “JosIAH BURWICE,” When Shorty read it he fell all of a heap upon the floox, and his wife, thinking that something dreadful had Beppenelt picked up the message and read it, af- ter which she gave a yell, and fell over on top of her husband. ; , There was a situation for you! : Oh, oh! how was that for high? CxS shorts, kicked, and his wife both kicked and n It was quite a while before either of them could say or do anything more, but presently Shorty pulled riverser las Sarcr be ain and then assisted his wife to er 38 4) ~~ “Who hit me?” ; “Who fired that ap and then they both tumbled over into their chairs and xb 4 “No, no, itcannot be. How did you readiit, Kate?” he asked, after a pause. r 2 : “They are married!” _ rte “Great molasses!” “They must have been crazy.” ‘ “T was afraid this old man was a little off; but now I guess Angie was too,” , 2 *Oh, Bowreetseorse! Mabe sighed cond meltng tints ‘marriage 0,” $I hed, feeling faint, she asked for ice-water. : ~y x ti “ Ice-water!”’ he exclaimed. : : “Yes, I feel faint,” <4
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THE SHORTYS MARRIED AND SETTLED DOWN. “Well, here you are; but it’ll take a pint of brandy ter brace me up,’ said he, handing her the cooling beverage. She drank it, and again settled back into the soft- mess of her seat, closing her “ber with another sigh, while Shorty rung for a bracer in the shape of brandy and water. Neither of them spoke for some time, during which she loosened her corsets and let down her back hair. When a woman feels particularly bad these are apt to be the first things she does. While she was out of the room Shorty again picked up the dispatch and read it. He read it forwards and backwards; he even tried to read it crosswise, but it told the same story. __ Then he went to the clerk of the hotel and asked we "I am going. particnlars regarding the time the old man went away, pen sepether be.was really accompanied by Angelina — Budge. ' - Yet everything that he could learn only confirmed it, * and it was undoubtedly true. Shorty felt sick. The little surprise that he had ‘*\ given his father, and son in getting married himself «had rebounded dreadfully, hitting him so hard that he rly paralyzed. _ ie wife mit the blow quite as keenly as he did, and for a long time refused to be comforted or even spoken % to on the subject. ‘ milk jlled sure,’ said he, and she ota: orn a aks “The ve both’ followed a our example, old gal, but who blazes would have ever dreamed it?’’ c she sighed. — “George, I'm all broken up, I’m hashed.” ‘$ » “Only think of it.” ) “Don’t ask me to.” “To think that your father——” s “Nix! He isn’t my father.” “ What's that?’ 5 one for hi: nd one for his troubled wife; after which they felt somewhat better, or at = Teast stronger. “Oh, George!” _ “Oh! Kate?’ they finally exclaimed, and then took a ¢ long leok at each other. . ; ~ The situation was one half comical the worst way they conld look at it, and, after looking at each other 3.2 moment, they both broke upinalaughe | = oe I ped. ut do you really think, sir, that such **Well, that jumps the cake,’ said Shorty, as they recovered from their laugh. “IT should say it did.” ‘“All three of us married! What’ll the gang say when they hear it?” ““What will society—what will the world at large say at these alliances ?”? “Don’t ask me, Kate.? **Can it be possible that they stopped for one moment to realize what they were doing?” Shorty shook his head sadly. “‘Is it possible that they went blindly into this?” Pate guess they raised our ‘blind,’ and went us one Tr. “One! ten better, more like. Now, just look at it,” said she, earnestly. mM 7 Hi a course would make Sho: nirmed uneasily in his seat. oe ars the father-in-law of your father.” “Oh, Lord!’ he groaned. “ Ag well as of your own son.” “Oh, Moses!” “ And of your two step-daughters.”” “Oh, my!? “And since you are father-in-law to your father, your father’s children must be your grangl-children.”” “Oh, don’t, Kate!’. s&s uently you are your own grandson? Shorty tumbled out of his chair paralyzed upon the floor. i “Oh, don’t weaken, George, for I am in quite as strange a mess by these cee Come, brace up, and hear the remainder,” said she. Shorty groaned and struggled back into his chair, tn most dejected-looking mortal that ever combed r. “My own grandson, am 1?” said he, sadly. ‘Yes, don’t you see?’” “11 take your word for it, Kate; it is too knotty a snarl for me to untangle.” “Well, again. For the same reason you are the great-grandfather to your own son, Charley.” “ Great snakes!” sane are also your mother-in-law’s step-father. “Yaller snakes!"’ “ And I am mother-in-law to my father-in-law.” “Black shakes!” “ And mother-in-law to my Own daughter.” “Hold on, Kate, this will break me all up.’” “T can’t help it; it's no worse on you than it is on me, [am daughter-in-law to my own daughter, think of that!” ; ‘ “J tell yer it breaks meup.” . : > oy is J SF ee B law, and his great grandmother.’? ** Can it be possible ?’? gitar “ Figure it out for yourself.” ~~ “Nix; I was never good at figs. Go on—I’l take it all if it kills me,’’ he added, settling back into the chair “Never mind. And Iam my step-son’s mother-in- Rag 0? resignedly. ve fi “Well, now, let us see how it will be with your father.”’ “ Give it to ther old duffer 1’ said he, savagely. “ Oh, for that matter, he has given it to himself, for he is now the son-in-law of his own son, and brother- aie to his grandson, since they*have married sis- ers, Shorty laughed for the first time since she had com- menced upon the tangle.”’ i i : i ine here,* said he, and the tears she detected in his eye brought one from hers. to California, and leave these unfeeling sons of mine you happier?” “ Miss Angelina, I’m a broken-hearted father.” j “Tam his mother-in-iaw, and lam atthesametime Aro ree and his sister-in-law is his grand- child. 5 “Great turtles !"? “Now here is a tangle worse than all.’? “ Give it ter him? “ Of course, your son is his grandson, and as his wife is your daughter, she must also be his granddaughter, and he is his own grandson!” ‘ “ Murder, murder !”? “That’s how it is. Now Charley isbrother-inlawto his grandfaher, and your son-in-law, as I explained — before. His sister-in-law is his grandmother. His dfather’s father-in-law (which is yon) becomes — great grandfather, consequently he is his own father’s great grandson, and on this account, must be ~ either his own son or his own nephew.” ae “ Hold on, Kate, I weaken.’ A “But I have not got halfdone with the snarl and the possibilities which do and may yet attend this territie ‘matrimonial complication.” : < oe “T can’t help it, ’m no Ley I know when I’ve got © enough. My nutgoes round like a buzz saw. Oh, what will Peter Pad say to this!” * 5 a, “What will everybody say?’ she exclaimed, w! F Shorty was thinking what it would be if should write he back the sofa in a faint. f cs ‘Se R to the bar-room of the he ordered the artistio woaser to make him three cocktails ils, and drank
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them one afte#the other in quick succession, greatly to the surprise of everybody who stood around. Several of his friends spoke to him, but he paid no attention to them; indeed, he never looked up, but A coe his hat down over his eyes, he walked hurried- 'y from the hotel. To say that he was paralyzed, or broken up, would but poorly express his condition. He was crushed, and those who saw him as he stumped along the side- . walk, jabbing his cane savagely dowz and looking at ~ }no one, must have thought that somet . had happened to the little joker who had never been seen before, except when sparkling with humor. He kept on in this way until.he reached Union Square, where, seeing a seat empty, he concluded to Se everalac ainta) alked past and spoke t veralacqu nees walke and spoke to him, but he heeded them not. -“T gness marriage has proved too much for his nibs,’’ remarked Tony Pastor, who noticed his strange behavior as he passed. a Cenghe a tartar, perhaps,” replied Harry Ken- nedy, who was in company with him. “Poor fellow! he looks as noe he had caught an assortment of fevers at the same time.”’ _But he knew and cared nothing for what een or anybody else might-say. His mind was too full of co- nundrums and puzzles, and of matrimonial complica- tions, to have room for anything else just then. _ *Itstoo much,’ he finally muttered; “too much even for a mule ter bear. Oh, why did I ever get mar- Tied? Bah! I can’t stand any more such conundrums ter-day. Wonder where I can find a good health man ter club me for an hour or so? I'd pay him wel! and I guess *twould make me feel better. Guess I’ sass some big feller an’ Jet him jumpin on me. Whew!” ~ and he wi his sweating mug and pinched his own snoot. “Wonder who the deuce I am any way? I used ter be Shorty, an’ George Sa oh wi who in thunder am Inow, I'd like ter know? Oh, why didI eyer find my dad—my awful dad? Why was levera dad myself? They’ve both disgraced me; they’ve got 2 me inter such a snarl that I don’t know who Iam—I Mate don't even know who they are, or who my wife an’ -__ ber relations are—I’m my own grandfather!” and here he broke completely down and said no more for sey- ore The first thing I kn body'l be guyin’ _ “The first ow, everybody gu me. Qh, I’m goin’ to git out. Yl léave this bloody coun- try; Imever can stand all the laugh they’ll give me, never!” and getting up, he slowly wended his way back to the hotel, remembering that his wife needed comforting, and that she was as deep in the mud as he was in mire. ' Then he found a telegram from the Kid, stating that he and his wife were at Cape May, happy as two turtle doves. I'd like to wring both their necks,” / “Doves! office, he sent this message to > “Come home at once. We are both of, Gobet hes By this time, however, his wife had rallied somewhat from the blow. She told him how foolish it was to cry for spilled milk or broken eggs; that the thing was done, and that they should make the most of it. But this did not console him much; it failed to cure him of his sickness. Of course the reader knows that Shorty is by nature _ one of the greatest jokers known; that one half of his life has been spent in putting up jobs and laughs on other people; but the fact is, he is very much jJike many other ane that I know, he hates dreadfully to have the laugh turned on him, and he knew it would be when this matrimonial relationship became known. : And so he growled and pouted, and tried to think of mip way out of the complication, but he couldn’t \ ‘The next day the Kid and his wife came hurrying ' back to New York, filled with anxiety. Rushing into their apartments, the anxious little couple found-Shorty and his wife seated there in a most dejected mode. Indeed, they scarcely looked up sell Sor, where's a __ “Hello , Ww 's der sick?’ asked the Ki eres. from ons to Se other. a, **Mamma, are you ill?’? asked Caddy, approaching. * «Soy, what's up?” AY APD, ae Sey. ve on his hat, walked to the door, and mo- tioned him to follow, while his wife beckoned her daughter to a seat beside her. ; Kid was puzzled to make out what the dickens it meant, but Shorty soon told him, and then he un- * derstood what made him sick. : _ But instead of being paralyzed or taking it to heart gs be did, the little fellow laughed peetey, and swore ft was the best thing he had ever heard of in his life. ** Well, soy, der yer know what you are?”’ “Well,” replied the Kid, la . “guess I’m one of der gang now, if I wasn’t before ?* i.“ So Peis own son an’ nephew, an’ I’m myown “ What are yer givin’ me?” : ' “Go ask my wife—that is, yer mother an’ yer moth- er-In-law. ‘ll show yer how it is,” replied Shorty, , eh, dad?” Kid. “Why, ‘we'll have heaps of fun out of this.” of——. I don’t catch on.” grandpop’s my brother-in-law?” haa Ww growled Shorty, andg¢hen es este to the telegraph | as frisky a THE SHORTYS MARRIED AND SETTLED DOWN. But, soy, don’t dat yank ther biscuit—ther old man married !? q i **T should say it did.” ‘ Well, this is ther familiest old family that ever was, Where is his nibs ?”” 3 . oe ter Niag.” Kee “ Havin’ a regular taffy moon, he “Don’t mention it.” o “Now, soy, won't we glye him a roast when he comes back??? : ‘Bah ! how yer goin’ ter make a roast out of astew ?” demanded Shorty. “Stew ??? ~ oe heard of family stews, haven’t yer?” “* Cel i ‘ ‘* Well, I should say we were all in one.” * Oh, never mind. Brace up an’ see ther fun we'll have out of this thing. We'll give him a roast that'll do pent Saeed said the little joker, making a pun “stew. “JT can’t see any fun in the business, only for out- siders Swhen they hear about it, an’ wherever we go we'll be-sure ter get ther grand laugh on our relation- nes Think of my being ever father-in-law an’ yer dad; but worst of all, think of my being my own grandfather!” *T can’t make it out.” “ Well, it’s so; she’ll show it ter “ Ha, ha, ha! dat claws der bisk?’ “ But think of ther laugh.” “ All right; it’ll be a good ad.” “Ad be hanged; we arn’t in the show biz now, al- though there’s no doubt but what we’re making a ‘holy show? of ourselves. But there never was such r.)? il | a thing happened before in ther world.” ‘Well, dat’s bully for ther Shortys. Soy, we’ll have more fun out of this snap than we ever had before in the world, an’ don’t drop der ticket that we won’t.” ““Fun!’ cried Shorty, bitterly. “Cert. Butcome. Iwantter know whoI am an’ all bout der whole racket,” said he, leading the wa, back to his mother, where she sorrowfully explained the relationship which now existed between them.”’ *(N. B. ‘See my card in another column). e little fellow was greatly surprised to hear the matter explained, as was his wife, but he insisted upon ie that there would be heaps of fun grow out of it after This, however, did not make either Shorty or his wife feel much better, for their idea was that the fun would all be against them. But they knew, of course, that they had to brace u and make the most of it, only all of them but the Ki wanted to get in on the old man who had put a climax to the trouble. The next day he dawned wpor. them with his blush- ing bride. He actually looked hirty years younger than he did the last time they had seen him, and was asa year-old. : The reception took place in Shorty’s parlor, but it was a cool old reception, for as he and his wife danced into the room, the party never looked up or welcomed at “Hello! how's this? Gone back on me just because I did something that you two did? Not a word of welcome or congratulation? Well, thisis cool, I must say. But we don’t care, do we, Angie? We're happy, eh’ he asked, turning to his bride. 6 indeed we are, sir,’’ she replied, resolutely. “Oh, Angie! how ever did you do it?’ moaned her mother, looking at her, reproachfully. “Why, the same as you did,” said she, archly. Mes good, my hunk of sweetness!” said the old man. “Oh, Angie, whatjhave you done?’ asked the Kid’s wife. = 26 vs the same as se haye, to be sure.” “Pad, you’ve done it,” moaned Shorty. “T know it.” “Yer’ve put yer big foot in it, pop,” said the Kid. “No, Dll be hanged if I have,’’ he replied, smartly. “Are you all mad at us for following your exam- ples?’ asked Angie, with a pout. : They all groaned. & tis the matter with you all?’ asked the old n. ma: “ What's ther matter?” exclaimed Shorty. “ Why, yer my son-in-law.” . , M “ An’ my brother-in-law,” chipped im the Kid. “And both my son and son-in-law,’ said Shorty’s wife. “And Iam your granddaughter and your sister-in- law,” said the Kid's wife, at. which both the old man and his wife began to open their eyes. “Yon are yer own grandson!” “Yonr sister-in-law is your grandmother!” “ And I am your grandmother!” said the Kid’s wife. “You are ply nobody in particular; you have married yourself out of existenee,”’ said Shorty’s wife. “'Thander and blazes!” exclaimed the old ere he looked wildly about, “I never thought about that, did you, Angie?’ 7 “Jndéed no!’ said she, faintly, at the same time | agal commencing to turn white. “You've broken us up, and we can’t put the pieces together again; oh, dear, oh, dear!” “Great Moses!” and “the old man and his wife tum- bled down all wilted, and the others fell upon them with loud, lugubrious howls. A united but broken up family! | “4° grand idea” were ae, UO The reader remembers the circumstances under which he married, and, to tell the, truth, he had not stopped before doing it to consider what @ mess his marriage would prodnce. But now the whole: thing flashed upon both he and his wife, and they were quite as sick as any of them. : ; For at least a ininute not a word was spoken by ~* either one of that muchly married family. - aaa te in an it Ee! ae Ce bap nto “Bat Ww lo yer think about. it?” he added, tu u the astonished old man, rt ee a . ‘“ Why, I—I can scarcely understand. it;’” he replied, hesitatingly. ‘ » “Well, Lshould say not.’? “Perhaps you would like to have mie write it out for youn, father—or son-in-law, which shall I call you?’ Said Shorty’s wife. ‘ re “Oh, dat’s all right; der ole man’s my brod-in-law,” ~~ said the Kid, lau Pit : » “Worse than that, I’m his daughter-in-law, and at the same time his mother-in-law!” “I’m his sister-in-law and his grandchild,” said the _~ Kid’s wife, half crying. ; mY ‘Good gracious!” said he, sadly. oo “Your son’s son is your dson, and as your wife is your son’s daughter, and she is your granddaugh- ter, you are therefore, your own grandson.” ‘'\furder! police!’ cried the bewildered old bride. ~ groom, as the truth flashed upon him. 7 “te An, soy, Angie, you are my sister-in-law an’ my ndmother! How’s dat foraway up?? asked the id, with a grin. ‘Mercy, mercy!’’ cried Angelina. : # An’ what are you??? demanded Shorty, ofthe Kid. * “Give itup! Ask me an easier one.” “ll tell you what you are,” said Shorty’s wife. “Your grandfather’s father-in-law (Shorty) is, of course, your great grandfather, consequently youare your own Jather! How is thaty”” a “ Bang up! ‘Always thought I'd like terbeindepend ~? ¥ | ent of relations,” replied the Kid. : “Well, you have got it now.” “Whew! this takes my breath away.” = ‘Dear, oh, dear, what shall we dof? moaned Ange- lina, wringing her hands, for the situation struck her ~~ as being terrible. { r ‘Who would have thought it?” “ Anybody would, ifthey’d only stopped ter think,” growled Shorty. Sag “But you set the example.” a “True,” replied Shorty’s wife, “but our marriage did not complicate matters at all, while your’s cer- tainly has.” “Well, I see no way out of it.” oe “We don’t want ter get out orit,’’ said the Kid, get- ~*~ up and walking the floor. > “Why not?? asked Angie, his sister-in-law and his grandmother. **7Cos we'll have lots of fun out of it.” “Pony? ae “Funl? 4 “Fun!” . “ Oh, yes, heaps of fun,”? groaned Shorty. “Cert. Brace up! We can’t give up our an’ we don’t want ter, solet’s make ther bestof itam’ = have a laugh,” said the little fellow. = “Laugh! I’m afraid the laugh will all be on the 4 other side,” said the old man. ‘* What side?’ asked the Kid. “The outside, my son.”? “Ah! Don’t call me yer son, I’m yer brother. What’s ther matter with yer?” The old man groaned, as did the others, and for at least another minute was dead ice, but Bs good deal of thinking. = “Val, soy.. This 1s sort ofa family chowder, eh?” asked the Kid, the first to speak. > “T should say so,” replied Shorty, bitterly. ove Ar "ough. i'll brace.” - ow ?* — “ Caddy an’ I'll take our share of it eb, Cad! he a added, sliding his arm around her . —~ “Of course, I'll do anything that you do, Charley,? Said she, quickly. ‘ it “Pat settles it. |We're gwine ter take our third of © ther ‘chowder. all ther time. Now how about you ~~ other duffers?? he asked, turning to rel ee who _ had formerly been his father and gran A sy “ll swallow mine,’ said the old man. rz 4 what do ron say, George?” asked Shorty’s wile. “ Give it ter me with a spoon, birdy,” said he, kiss-~ her. ; me But I’m no spoon-bill.”” WY # Yes, yer ater yer a duck, arn’t yer?” rie a duck, but she can’t Swim out,” suggested the ~~ s >» “And I don’t wish to. I am sorry there is such a complication, butIseéno help forit now, soletusface the world and join in the laugh if there is one raised =~ Inst us. “are Iong. buy @ nice house somewhere——” : Ke ‘7 don’t want ter live in an ice-Wouse, ma,” said the Kid, interrupting her, 7 2 A * Charles, don’t be so slippery with your remarks. As Iwas saying, we will Spi house on Fifth © avenue or some other good locality, and all live to- gether happily.”” fd g Sie b iy ees ea Cert. . ’ oS > nd + &re “Yer bet.
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* And it shall be my furnish it throughout,” said old Mr. Burwick. * Bully for my dad?? “Bulty for my grandpop!”” * Good for my father-in-law!’ “ Good for my brother-in-law!” “ Good for my brother-in-law!” “ Bully for my step-son!”? said Shorty, commencing on another tack. “ Hold on! Please don’t!” fee oe the old man, seeing that they were going on with the relationship. “‘ Don’t let us say anything more about that. Itis done and tannot be helped, but rather let us do as my——that is, my George’s wife suggests, and pass the remainder of our days in associated and individual happiness.” ** Shake!l’’ said both Shorty and the Kid, and father, son, and tt shook hands earnestly, as did Shorty’s wife and her two daughters. “Til go right out and see about buying a house,” aid the old man. _“ And we will go and select the furniture, carpets, and other appurtenances,” said Shorty’s wife. se but be sure that you select the best. Do fot mind the cost; I am able to pay for it.’? “ An’ Gawge an’ Chawles will go an’ select a bottle of wine,” said the Kid, in his comical way, and with the laughter that it occasioned they started to go upon their several errands. And so, aftera short season of mourning and la- mentation over the remarkable snarl into which ore had unwittingly gotten themselves, the natural good- nature of the entire family asserted itself, and good feel was once more restored. Mr. Burwick, oldest, but youngest married, of the convivial trio, never felt happier in his life than he did now, and the prospect of a reunited family made feel rich and generous. He bought a house near Central Park, on a very toney street, for which he paid fifty thousand dollars; and pnorre wife took it upon herself to buy and pay for elegant furniture, so that in less than amonth they were ready to go to housekeeping in the nobbiest kind of style. Indeed, they had everything that money could buy met heart wish for, including carriages and servants galore. Shorty took a fancy toa col- cored man named Ginger Jones, whom he aad known for some time, and hired him fora waiter, but at the same time with an eye to the possible fun that ont de got out of him in the fature; for notwithstanding he was a waiter, he was one of the most comical coons in the world. . P He was peas ard orn por in = mad hee, jar on & dark ut holding of himself, Sty Se reearded his looks and capabil- ities as a waiter. Ginger was hired to wait upon the table and make Simself generally useful; a sort of “boss of all de waiters,” while each family had a special waiter to look after their wants, a ar sOBUng of mere “sinh Jaundress. The cook, by the way, W in New York, but she was Irish, and had her own views of things. It was arranged that atin bee ay Re oan neral direction of things, and so they eprand-new life to them ail, or at least to the Shortys, rim full of hope and high expectations of happiness— and fun. And, in truth, they were the happiest, jelliest family ever conan tegether. Every one of them liked fan, and being situated as they were, there was no reason why they should not have all they wanted of it. Soon after getting settled in this way, they gave a house-warming, to which a large number of their friends were invited, myself among the number; and one of the most enjoyable eyenings of my life was put in on that occasion. f By the way, the note that I received from Shorty in lieu of a formal invitation which the others received, was characteristic of my little friend, and sol give it here: “DgAR PETE: You know we are all married and settled down, and a mixture of Shortys or Burwicks desire you to join them in warming our house, on Wednesday evening. Be sure and come, for without on we couldn’t warm the old thing worth a cent. Bring *£d? along, but use the inclosed five dollars to ye him something to eat before he comes, just to take the edge off his’ appetite, so the other folks can have a show for feed. Any friend of yours is wel- come. Your old friend, orate nree of the Shortys and their wives were looking aan Indeed, Peter saw them looking finer than they did, as all three of them, in fall evening <iress, received their friends and made them at home. A great many professionals were there, and earnest and genuine were the congratulations which pris muchly-married family received, and it was here tha the laughs first begun to ee out, as the company stalked over the marriage relations 0 the three wa bat happy couples, although they had so far recove from their first grief over the mLx, that they at eoeen ~felt sensitive about the matter, and joined heartily in cent supper, helped Speaking of servants, hi time, and being anxious to know of that little in- strument. t : He us, and we very soon found that getting married not ae the tsio out of him; and that was still king of the cat-gu ; . ‘ “Now give us a speech, Sporty 2 sogeecs Tony _ Pastor, and we all applauded the idea. THE SHORTYS MARRIED~AND abn NE part to buy the house and to | The little fellow laughed, but soon began one of his famous impromptu songs. I give one yerse: “ We're happy, though we’re badly mix An’ can’t tell which from tother, An’ can’t tell hardly how we're fixed, Who's father or who’s mother, But still if what we six have done, Is not enough ter suit yer, There still may be a further mix, To greet you in the future.”” The applause which greeted his effort sounded like old times, and the further complications which he hinted at, set sg sat Maur § to laughing and to figure the thing out as they wended their way home- ward. Butin spite of the laugh, it was agreed by all that the Shor.ys married and settled constituted the hap- piest family in New York. “Pete, ole man, yer must come an’ see us very often, an’ we'll make it pleasant for yer,” said he, shaking hands with me at parting. ““Yon may depend upon it that I shall.” “But, soy, Pete, don’t yer give this thing away.” o How bah ‘Why, write it up for THE Boys or New YORE, same as yer have all our other rackets,” “ Certainly not—oh, no!’ Nothing like keeping your word, is there? But I don’t see why the boys who have known them so long, should not learn all about their last hurrah. Shorty would be sure to give 1t to anybody else, if he had it in his power to do so, and as I have made him a public character, I now consider him my own and the prop- him | erty ae my readers. h, no, Jawge, I won’t give it away!” Well, things moved along ‘es as nicely as though they had been They had some difficulty in settling about what their relations were, but they finally concluded to call each other an that the: happened to think of, and let it go at that, although it vexed Angie somewhat to be called grandma by the Kid, and the old man squirmed sometimes when Shorty addressed him as ‘‘ my son.’? But with these few exceptions everything went smooth, save when somebody played a practical joke on somebody else, which, by the bye, was quite often, although the effect of them was soon laughed away. For instance, the old man ordered a new of boots—a dandy pair—and Shorty happened to receive them when they were brought home, the old fellow being out driving at the time. You know it would not be*Shorty if he didn’t do something to those boots. The old man wore them the next day and was high- ny een with them, but when he attempted to pull eat off at night, they stuck to his feet like bark to a tree. m@He pulled and pulled, but they would not budge a peg: Perhaps it was because they were not pegged but we won’t argue the point. He hadn’t used a cuss word for a long time, but he felt like do: so now. In fact, he felt like kicking cease out ofthe boots by using them against their maker. Finally his wife and servant came to his assistance. They tugged at them, but all in vain, and by this time he was in a high state of perspiration. “Goand call George,” he y said to the servant 1. “They are new boots, and my feet have swol- n.? ““Itis too bad,’ quietly remarked his wife. “Whew! Dll ieanly marder that shoemaker, know he never made them on my last.” At that moment Shorty and the Kid came in. “ What's the matter, my son?’ asked Shorty. “Hello, brother, what’s up?” chipped in the Kid. “Better ask what’s on, and what I can’t get off. See if you can pull off these boots; they stick as close as my toe nails,’’ said he. , bs Went, perhaps yer toe nails have grown fast to them,” and Shorty attempted to pull off the boot, the Kid pulling him as he pulled on it. But it stuck closer than a creditor. «Whew ! that’s what you get by trying to be a dandy. Why don’t you have your bug-crushers made large enough for you?” asked Shorty. ““Confound it, they were made on my last, and seemed to go on and fit allright. But it must be that my feet have swollen. Try them once more.” “Nixy. Go hire a mule. Ellen, go and call Ginger here; he’s as strong as old cheese,”” “Well, hurry up,”’ and the girl went to obey. “ Are you sure they were made on your last?”? “Yes, but it will be is last, you bet.” ‘Goin’ to make him peg out?’ asked the Kid. “Yes, he’s getting run down at the heel.” ‘He'll sew yer, sonny,’? put in Shorty. ‘No, he’s a whole-souled fellow—he won’t do that.” “Tyo be quiet, will you. Here, Ginger, see ifyou can pull off this boot,” he added, as the coon came into the room. ‘ “ Better nail yerselfto de char, sah,’ suggested Ginger, grinning. . “ What for ?”? Cos I’s putty strong, sah, an’ I might pull you out on de flo’.”” “Oh, Pl risk it. Go ahead!’ The scene which followed was comical. Ginger red straddle of the old man’s leg and took the boot in hands fora pull.’ Mrs. Burwick and the ‘servant held | finally explain upon him so as to keep him in the chair, while Shorty seized ‘a cane’ and began to whip up the darkey make him do his best, and the Kid was yelling at “Be quiet, I tell you—pull steady, Ginger!’ cried the old man, but the boot didn’t move. . _ But Shorty became impatient, and hitting the a smart blow, caused him to p and lose his ho! when away he pitched ng, butting *his SETTLED DOWN. for I]. to him. | and - ! a. through a fancy Japanese screen, while the reaction — sent “ye old man over backwards with his wife and servan: r ar “*Murder!? yelled he, struggling to get up, while coset was trying to get his head out of the screen. ~ “Set ’em up again!” cried Shorty. ; SA “What's der matter, Ginger; pull his leg off?” ask- ed the Kid, of the darkey. v7 3 “Guess not; didn’t even get de boot off.” ‘ **Now, Shorty, will you be quiet; you was the means of making him do that,” said the old fellow, as they assisted him to his feet. “Bey “Oh, yes; lay it ter me when I was ’ter hey pull yer boot off. But what yer goin’ ter do?’ f “ Hang me if I know. They apper to stick tomy feet like glue.” a “Guess yer’ll have ter sleep in ,’em, brother,” re- — marked the Kid. “Yes, my son, you had best sleepin ’em, and by ae ther swellin’ will be out of yer feet,” said orty. p “Sleep in his boots!? said Angie, holding up her hands in astonishment. = . ; “No, no, that will never do.” : * All right; then I'll tell yer how ter get out of them, my ntle brother-in-law,” said the Kid. » 2 “How ? ; “Bore a hole an’ fill it fall of gunpowder an’touch & match ter it.’ ts “Oh, Charley! How can you? cried Angie. “How canl? Easiest thing in the world.” *‘Non’t listen to his nonsense, my dear.?? “Who ever heard of such an idea?” “Well, cut *em down der side, an’ skin ’em off same’s yer undress an eel,” said Shorty. “Oh, you fellows shut up and clear out. Here, Gin- — per, go down and see old Peg, the shoemaker, and tell ~ m to come here at once.’ 2% “ Yes, sah.”? : “Tell him what the trouble is, and, perhaps, he know what to do. Come, hurry up.” “Tse gone, sah; and he ea ae Rie “Guess yer corns got ter growin’ after yer putjon — der itt an’ that’s filled °em up chuck ” suggest- ed the ‘ “Olear out, I tell you!’ roared the old man, now — jus§about wild enough to fly. se “3Ve dust.” “*We scrape,’ and out the two jokers went, for, in — truth, they didn’t care to be there when the shoemaker came, for he would probably find out the trick. ees Well, he came, and requesting the ladies to leaye the — room for a few moments, the old man just humped ~ himself, and treated that shoemaker to some of th most explosive language that he had ever heard. = He tried to Mie rat but the old fellow woukl not — listen to him, and then he tried to pull off the boots, — but could not. He protested thatthey were made upon it, but Burwick would not believe it, from top to bottom, and even then had the grea difficulty in pulling the boot from his customer's — foot. “What ue sbumnier is sr Fale the inside? he asked, ooking at %# after getting it o: : ’ “How the blazes should I know?” ; “Why, the entire boot is lined with mucilagel? “What?” exclaimed Burwick, leaping up. . ee “Look for yourself, sir,” and he did look. There was no mistake about it. ze “One of that rascally Shorty’s tricks, ’'l bet a thousand dollars. Where is the villain #” CHAPTER Y. GINGER Jones “went in search of Shorty and the — Kid, while Peg, the shoemaker, proceeded to ripopen the old man’s other boot and peel it offas before. But Shorty and the Kid had skipped, leaving word that they had gone out to play a few games of bil. Hards somewhere, ¢ ? “Oh, the rascals! Oh, let me get my hands on them!” roared the old man, and then he proceeded to peel off his socks, which stuck closer to his feet than the — Skin does to an eel, and came off about as reluctantly. “Do you call that a joke, sir?” asked Peg, looking athim with wonder. yee “Joke! Confound those two sons of mine! they are ~~ forever playing some prank or otheronme. But Tl] fix em, you bet.” a “ rey “An lows with them, see if I don’t.” “It would sarve ’em just right, sah,” anxious to cap in. - “Shut up, sir! What do pon know about it, for was di Ginger both he and Peg withdrew, lea’ wash his feet, and mutter to himeeif with the jokers. . came into the room presently, un ed to her the cause of the tro what he would do i Tea and he tele ing her at the same time that the boys were continual. — ly playing tricks on him, and thathe would get good even with them for this one. andes car Sern geet she, “and the ick on them that pay them for their fun.’ ; : * You may be assured I will,” - “andl help you.” a: te =~
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; MARRIED AND SETTLED DOWN. sons, this morning ?”’ Shorty. “That's what I asked yer ter do.” “I'd like to feel for you two fellows with a club,” ‘yer sleep good last night?’’ asked the Kid. “Guess he slept with his boots on.” You shut up. I'll boot you fellows,” “Soy, how much’ll yer give ter boot ?” Never mind what Tul give; it will cost you twenty “ What! got ter pay twenty dollars ter get booted? SOY, *: iewtde trifle rough on yer old father-in- jorty. : * asked Av Pp no, marked Sho’ pa 2r** All right, they can’t punity, _ “With who?” asked Shorty. “ With impunity.” “Don’t know him.” “I do. He’s a brother to opportunity.” i +“ Does he live in this community?” asked Caddy, the Kid’s wife, for they were all ready to catch on toa ‘ P; wears tight boots,” said Shorty, qwhereat Ginger, who was wating: on the table, lost control of his chin and laughed right sioned all eyes to center on him. “The old man frowned and Shorty turned around in his chair to get a better look at the moke, who seemed > be to split his head open what's der trouble wid yer mouth?” “Aint No butting bere” out, which occa- *“I—I begs pardon, sah; I—I couldn’t help it,” re- son-in-law. How do you feel **T’'ll let you know how I feel,”,growled the old man. ~ “Why, bub-in-law, what’s ther matter? Soy, didn’t heap upon the jloo read it, after which she gave a yei **Oh, you call that eo eee you?” “*T was thinkin’ ’bout dem boots, sah.” “What business have you to think?” “Couldn't help it, sah.” “Soy, wasn't yer laughin’ at ther way yer poked yer head through dat Jap screen?” asked the Kid, and this only made him laugh the more. “Shut clam!” roared Shorty, and instantly Ginger’s jaws came together with a snap that sounded like spanking your hands, and he at once became as sober as an owl, whereat the family resumed their breakfast. This little piece of by-play restored good humor so > far as the old man was concerned, and breakfast was finished pleasantly, But he had not given up the idea of playing a joke back on the boys, for he wished to show his wife that ir was just as smart at that business as they were any me. Well, during the day something occurred that gave him a chance, and the old fellow was cose to it. Shorty and the Kid were ont somewhere, probably out for a drive, when a messenger from a gentleman’s furnishing goods store brought home half a dozen dress shirts for both of the little jokers, and the old man received them. ‘ Going to a chemist, he got- him to prepare a color- Jess marking fluid; that te say, it was colorless when first applied, but after being e: to the light a short e the marks became black as ink. Taking the shirts from the boxes, he proceeded to business. Right across the bosom of Shorty’s shirts he wrote, “Zhe Xid,” and in like manner he wrote “ Shorty” on the bosom of the Kid’s shirts, after which he placed them back carefully, and sent them to their chambers by G r. This tickled the old man and his wife greatly, and rey mi porters Over what they felt certain would & good sell. And so it proved to be, for the next day Shorty and the Kid appeared in their new shirts, and before they foe oe breakfast the lettering appeared in start- style, awh , George! what have you got on your shirt?” asked Shorty’s wife, the first to see it. ‘Look! The Kid. You haye got on Charley’s shirt,” cried the Kid’s wife. : “And Charley has got on his, I should say,” said Angie. pointing to the Kid’s shirt front. t ther deuce!” exclaimed Shorty, looking first at his own and then at the Kid’s shire fiat r, and his wife, thinking that something drea and fell over on top of her “Wal, dat takes der huckleberry!”’ said the Kid. “*T should say that the shirts had taken the huckle berry,” remarked Shorty’s wife, laughing. _ “That's queer way to mark shirts anyway, sight across the front.” ‘* And then to make such a mistake and mark them wrong,” added Angie, and then a general laugh was indulged in. ws Shorty and the Kid swapped winks, ““Tumb?” asked Shorty. “I tumb,” replied the little fellow, and it was under: | stood between them that the old man had worked @, snap on them to get hunk for the boot racket. rt So they laughed and made believe that they thought some crazy man at the shirt-maker’s had marked them, although they could not for the life of them had and. dful happened, picked up the message and husb make out why it was that they had not seen the names when they put them on. But they laughed the matter off, and soon began to talk about going out to see the races at Jerome Park, and they finally agreed that each couple would go out with their own teams. “Great graft, eh?” said Shorty, after he and the Kid were alone together in the billiard-room. “Cert, Old man did it for fun.” “That’s all right. but just hush! Seewhat a job we'll put up on him for hunk.” “Let’s make him sick.” “Don’t lose yer grip, dat we will.” And so the matter Wo Le for the time being—bnt when they got ready to dress for their drive out to the Taces, they both put on two of the same new shirts— seeing nothing wrong with them, Half an hour afterwards all three couples were spanking along through the beautiful drives leading 2 eee Park, for each one of them owned a nico Tn ou The excitement of the drive was so great, that they never noticed that the names had aypested on their shirt fronts, and it was not until they reached the race course that they nee to it. L Then they were mad. There ei were, far from. shirts and home, and their names sticking out s0 com. spicuously from their shirt fronts, that they could be read away. p “Oh, he’s warmed us this time,” said Shorty. “Wal, I shouldjsoy so.” “ What the deuce shall we do?” “H me if I know.” ““Wonder if he did do it?” “Cert. Don’t think ther shirt-maker would mark ‘ens like that, do yer?’ i i “Don’t seem poss,” ye omy
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THE SHORTYS MARRIED AND SETTLED DOWN. “Course not. Der ole rooster worked it on us for Sure. But only wait, dat’s all,” said Shorty, and but- toning up their coats, so as to hide their marks, they Sauntered among the pool-sellers. But they were a great ways from being happy, for the day was very sultry, and those who knew them wondered at seeing their coats buttoned up to their ehins, to say nothing of the uncomfortable part of the business. The old man and his wife, however, were enjoying it hugely; enjoying the sad discomfiture of the little jok- ers as much as he did the races, : That evening at dinner Shorty and the Kid came into tbe dining-room with clean shirts on, and as gaslight floes not have the effect upon the marking as sunlight does, they did not appear, consequently they conclud- 2d that they had reached the bottom efthe joke, and so joined in the laugh that stood against them. But the next morning when daylight came, out came the names as bold as ever. “Soy,” said the Kid, when they got a chance to k by themselves, ‘‘ this beats boots.’? ** Well, I should say so,’’? replied Shorty. “Der ole man caught us out bud this time, didn’t 2 Lis -* Yes, but yer just wait. I’ve gota dose for him, an’ don't forget it.’” But the dose that Shorty had for the old man was not such an past one to give, andit was not fora whole week that he got a show at him. The old man was troubled with the rhenmatism eonsiderably, and of course he was forever trying some remedy or other to get relief from it, but seldom sutceeding indoing so for any length of time. ‘And when he had another of these attacks was when Bhorty came in with his little joke, having stood in with the doctor, who sent two of his students to attend en him. They found the old felow alone in his room, grunt- ing, growling, and swearing pay aches and pains, wife ha’ one out for a Ke 4 ber Well, Mr. Barwick; how do yo feel this afternoon?” asked one of the students. “Oh, curse this ene ee gotit just as bad as ever. Where is Dr. Pump “Out visi patients; but he sent us here to fix ‘ou in his stead.” m To fez me! What in thunder do you mean ?” roared “ Why, by cupping—hot cups.” “Go to blazes.” ‘Well, we shall be obliged to do that in order to heat our cups,”’ said the student, laughing. “Ts old Pump.such a druling idiot as to think that he can send acouple of his students here to experi- ment upon me?” “Oh, it’s very simple.” ‘So is rheumatism.” “Well, which do you prefer?” “Rheumatism,” he replied, decidedly. ‘But we are sent here to warm that tronble out of you, and we are going to obey orders if it kills the pa- tient.” “What! Now look here, if you duffers don’t get out AT EA ofthis I’ll pulla pop on you,” roared the old man, leaping to his feet. “Oh, we don’t care for pops; we’re used to them,” replied the student; carelessly. *Used to them!” “Yes, Dr. Pump keeps us for his heavy work.” “Heavy work !”? i “ Yes, innatics and kickers.’”? “The deuce he does ”” “Yes. We received orders to come here and cup this rheumatism out of you, so peel.’ ** Peel |)? “Certainly. Get right down to the student, uncovering the pail of ing the metal cups. Confound you and your cups. Get out of my house this instant.” “Oh, no. He told us you were a kicker, and so we came prepared.”? ‘** Prepared |? * Yes, sir; so peel.” “Tl see you rammed, crammed, and jammed first, and then I won’t. Here, Ginger !"’ he cried. RE Was near at hand, and so were Shorty and e Kid. “Did you call, sah?” he asked, entering the room. “Yes; go and bring Shorty here quick, Tell him to bring his revolver.” “ Yes, sah,” and Ginger vanished. “No-use, old man; we're going to cup you,” said the student. our skin,” replied ot water contain- the old fellow. - not mayes kill me,” ~ “Wh to Avs - , : : i “Cup me! “ Plat fa ram-jam-nathan is that?” * Ns wat that instant Ginger returned with Shorty and the “Oh, we'll show you, We ase going to cure you ; ; : your rheumatism,” ‘ ; “Put these fellows out, boys.” How Pid “What for?” ae : ’ “Howt” | @ piece of stout rope, they bound him “They’ve come here from old Pump and insist upon ~ cupping me for ge rheumatism.” * Well, what's ther kick?” sae “Why, 1 don’t want them to cup me, and I'll be hanged and quartered if they siall cup me.” Pest ‘Wally, it’s der best thing in ther world for yer tism,¥ said Shorty. : “Soy, yer a kicker all der time. What’s der matte: wid yer? S’pose we want yer gruntin’ round here all ther time?” asked the Kid. pests ively _\ But I tell you that I had rather have the rheumad ~ tism than be cured in such a way.” Ss “We must obey orders,” said one of the students. ) “Cert. Go ahead,’ replied Shorty. “What! do you abandon me” roared the old man, turning upon his boys. pu Pe “Nix; but if der doc says cet, why cup, dat’s all. “But I refuse. Ginger, run them ont!’ ‘th “‘ Dey’s too many fo’ me, sah,” replied Ginger, : ““Then go for a policeman.” ““Dey’s all otf on a picnic ter day, sah.” art “Yon lie, yon thunder-cloud! There is a consp’ here, and you are init.” Pash! “Tisn’t in nuffin, sah, but debt.”” Ree, i “Come, peel!’ said the student, now all ready ta apply the cups. SoC “Will you witness this outrage, Shorty ?’* “No, I’s going out. Come on, Kiddy.” » “And you abandon me?” ae ‘Nix. Brace up an’ show yer nerve.’? Ra “Never. Ginger, [command you to help me fight these ruffians out of here.” Ne jap LAS ‘S T's no fighter, sah; I’s a waiter.” i eat “Confound you all. This is a job.” a “Yes, and you seem inclined to make it a pretty tongh one. Bnt if worst comes to worst we shall’ rs) to strip you ourselves. Will you peel?) _ * Never!” eon “Stay here an’ must be cured,’’ sa: room. poe Bohn “Don’t one of you dare to lay hands on me,” ro; the now infuriated old victim. : “ We must obey orders, sir.’ * Get out of this I” “ Not until we have cup; “Murder !”? Ey SEN Bayh fond Pare ene they went/forhim. . spite of his struggles, swearing and tests, they got him out of his clothes in short o and fiat upon the bed. f He yelled murder, but it did him no g00d, and wi help ‘em, Ginger, for the ole man id Shorty, as he and the Kid Ear Fe ae you"
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J THE SHORTYS MARRIED AND SETTLED DOWN. % eee in suck a way that he could not move hand or Then the students vegan to apply the hot cups to his body, each one of which set very close and so warm a that he elied murder as each was put upon him. see if don’t,’” he cried. &r **Oh, no, you wouldn’t go back on a person for cur- | it?’ ont und you and yourcure. Oh! Stopit! I’ve got po rheumatism, I tell you.” VP What, have you been making believe that you had ~ all this time?” _ * Yes—yes, I never had any rheumatism.” ~ “Can't lp i it, sir; we must obey orders.”” “Well, it i Keep you from haying it on some other occasion,” suggested the other student. “Confound you—— Oh! stop it! Whatisit your - business whether I have the rheumatism or not? I'll have the gout if I wantto; itis none of your jammed ~ business.” * That is so, but when the doctor sends us to cu Preaeescont we cup him! and don’t care a snap Ww x about it.” en i murder old Pump.” “an right; that won’t hurt us. There you are,” Roald the Student, after he had applied the last cup to his body, “‘and it isn’t such a terrible bad thing after all. Gi don't you remove one of those cups, or al- low any else to, until they have been on an _ hour.’ “atl it, sah.” “Good- Mr. Burwick.” “ Go to the devil?” “Yes, we are going to report to the old man.” “Tell him I'll murder eso heres Sh left the room and the of Ginger Jones. Sho. and the Kid came in 800 n afterwards and be- Hea} a it at which they could quot help laughing, and while they were doing so, fy feo lina, the old man’s “came in, and when she ‘saw she held up her and screamed. oo _ She beheld her husband completely covered with those confounded cups. “Why, acres me, what does this mean?” she ‘ards him. “The doctors cupped him for the rheumatism,” said Shorty. me fora joke, Clear out, every one batt you horria creatures,” said his wife aa awa. a ¢ —and ey ia agi withdre . She at ee ee to ante her husband and re- Move the cups from his nt igh where they left savage 100 but in spite pokron of the racket that had ig te all yed upon he found that his rheumatism Eohetbat wes not enough to mollify iis wrath. His _ back was sore, but it was up, and Tevenge was what _ he was after Low. CHAPTER VI. taxon man was on the warpath now and no mis- take. _ The “cu ‘ected, Inedical students, was more than ase He forgot all about the joke of the shirts that he had ‘played on Shorty and the Kid, end now he wanted Te- before he had knowing how mad he would eras and also aDont how long it would take for him to cool off. i ‘“Itis a shame!” protested his wife, who was alsa, = daughter by marriage. eee neers Why, confound those two runts, they are itting up some Beh iano ” he roared, as he k and forth in ie su it is le that they have rae jo posta yed on them?” ed, suddenly Stopping, all the 35 tacks as a thunder Gloud. the marking of their shirts.** fellow made no reply for a moment, but the memory of the racket pened were id came over him like a a o ahead,” rt varie aadie BEE: one was 3 iment 8 sight rougher ugher than 2 on'them.”? “So it is, and I could pull their ears for it.” / “The. Hyou lfean i “But if you intend to keep the thing up, Bot you must as bad as the are, only ee. adhe, heat WR S| esbtrssainds It will do no good to rest and Jet them be one ahead of me. >“ Becanse they would not keep quiet a week before went for me again.” it ia ‘Why, I they could not piay & | ve each one of you villains in State’s prison | bod. " racket to which he had been sub-/ all, and though a job put et ts bens olgetrete of | them ?’’ trick now and then on somebody, I think they would die of the blues.”” “They are a lively pair of boys, but as near as I can find out, they are both chips of the old block, eh?” “Well, 1 uke a@ joke now and then as well as any- iy; sf You don’t like to have them played on you; is that “For that matter, I get them played on me whether I like them or not. Why, while we were making the trip around the world, t ber were continually playing ear Ee trick or other, either on me or my Chinese valet.” “T have heard about some of them,” she said, laugh- ig. “But that isn’t the worst of it: the report of the whole journey was published in THE Boys OF NEw YORK, by Peter Pad, and the whole public laughed at me.”? “Well, if sa ewes they also laughed at the tricks you played on them.” old man was silent, for hé couldn’t remember many such tricks, the Heat it/ being worked at his own or Ho Sham’s e And yet he smiled tly. “Now, if l were in your place, I would take no no- tice of this racket, as they call it, but just set yourself to work to study up some way whereby you can get uare with them.” sort of flattered the old man, to think that his young wife should credit him with smartness enough to get even with these constitutional and eonfirmed jokers, and so he just kept on rae oY good until that faint smile broke into a good-natured gri “Don’t you think so, pop?” she Ar after watch- him for a moment or two. “Confound ’em, I’ve a nha mind to try it! It would serve them right,” said he, half Potts he “So it would; Dae tee is another thing,” and she placed her hand lovingly on his arm. “What is it, sweetness?” “Yow have really got the laugh on them a as the matter stands.” . “ How so??? hat you wan this iomeiens of cupping was just exactly Ww t” “ Aad “The deuce it was!” said he, starting back and looking at her in amazement. *1 can show it to you.” “Well, do, please,” and he manifested some im- patience at the idea. “You had the rheumatism 2 “ Yes.” “Bad? “ Darnation bad.” “Very well, you baven’t it now, have you e The old man felt himself over and walked about the room; for the fact was, he had been so mad ever since that he shad forgotten all about his rheumatism. “ ) “Upon my word, Angie, I do believe that ithas cured me,” said he, finally. “rhat’s it? zn Yes, it is all gone.” WS Soe ee pron see that —_ are the ares after in reality you have got the laugh on “That's so, Angie.” “Ofcourse it is. So all you have to do to turn the Jangh on them completely is to pretend that you are much ee them for the treatment, and assure them that your rheumatism is completely cured.” “Yes, that will make them sick.” “ Of course it will.” “But it was a trick all the same, confound them,” said he, clenching his fist. “True, but it will I bob them of all their merriment when -you tell them how much obliged you are, and that you are cured.” “Yes, but I'll be hanged ifI don’t play something on them to pay off the score.” “+ Well, do as you like, but if I were you I would be content with turning the lau; “Yes, but that would not them from playing other tricks on me.” P * And I doubt ifit would were you to et even with them by another trick which you ht play on them.” “Perhaps not, Angie; but it would be some satis- faction to me.”? S Very Serco i ning. the way you feel, why, go ?’ said s! U0; Means Shot ~! and the Kid had gone out for a drive, laughing an talking over the racket. % a et Deer Ae out,” said Shorty. ?' “ The old rooster’ll murder us ifwe go back to the house before he gets cooled off.” “Oh. it won’t take him long.’’ “T don’t beliéve it, Ther snap was too hot for him ter cool off sg uick.”? : ee soy, he'll get cooled down to his jaw, won't How ber” YF: Rent be cooled out of sakes nothin’ but his aw bates Maybe,” mused S$) ee Sere , cert, an’ we can have some fun wid him, “ All right; we'll try it on. Ah! here comes Charley Backus with that ok, of his. Now he thinks he Rag road, wen see,” he add- Yes, along came the famous end man, behind his ten. a | af, Fe, eames eG ee eee eee aid : aS) Banjo, and so pulled up as he approached from behind, Shorty’s horse having been walking ae ers while he and the Kid were talking over the racke' They had only left the Park a few rods behind, and were now on the beautiful drive of Seventh avenue, leading to McComb’s Dam. ** Hello, Shortness,” cried Backus, “Hello, Ham, how yer was ?” “Peeling silky; how’s yerself?” “Bang up, an’ downy. “Where did yer buy i bat “ Der nag ?? “Yes, old car horse’? “Cert: got no .go in him, but nes safe,” replied Shorty, laughing. ~ “Safe for what??? “Ter bet on.’? * How, that he'll go a mile an hour??? “That he can give dust.’ “To what, a cow?” “Yes, and ter you.” “T sup so, ifmy horse fond or ee ae “Yes, an’ if he's puttin’ in his ” “An” your licks too,” added the E Rid. “Whoop!” and Charley laughed heartily, and Tat- ted his road wagon with his shaking fatness. Soy, Charley, brush yer from here ter ther bridge ae a bot, said Shorty. ** First one there, or last one?” o First.” “Do you mean it, Shorty 7” “Yes, or I'll make it two bots.” ae right, but I’ll do better.’ ow “pil mive you one block the start.” ‘NO, yer won't.” Why?” “Don’t wantit. If my nag can’t beat that crow of yours, I'll swap him aya i ** All right, come on!” ex ed Backus, touching up his horse, “I'm with yer; ole man,’ “But you won't be long.” “No, I don’t ’spect I will,” replied Shorty, speak- ing to horse. Away they went up the avenue like a pair of eta and it was avery even thing for about a mile, shortly after th or crossed One Hundred and Twen- ty-fifth street, S drew ahead, and he continued to widen the ee be een them until Backus was left = Peete. ig finally beaten by a quarter of a mile at the The two bottles of wine and the laugh was clearly on the fat minstrel, but he saw that Shorty’s horse was too much for him, and did not attempt another brush with him, but set up the wine at Judge Smith’s famous road-house, where they popped This was fun, of course, just suc both Shorty and the Kid enjoyed, although since their marriage they generally went out with their wives, who enjoyed it quite as much as they did, and it soon became known that it took fast horses to give them dust. Well, they returned home that evening te dinner, and the whole family met at the table; but instead o: looking like an Indian on the War-path, they were greatly surprised to find the old man smiling, and as amiable as a lamb. It was true en at the laugh was ae turned upon them when the old fellow proceeded to thank them for what the er a assuring them that his rheumatism was all gone, and that he never felt better in all his life. But, of course, the only way they could et out of it was to say that the thing had only worked just as the had intended that it should, and that they knew the while that cupping was the very thing he stood need of to cure his rheumatism. Ginger Jones, as he waited upon the table, found the greatest difficulty in keeping on a smooth face, for he had taken part in the affair, and Knew, of course, that it wasa joke, and anything resembling one of those things always sent him off his feet, so ticklish was he. Well, the dinner ein off pleasantly, and that even- ing the entire family went to the theater to. see Lester Wallack play ‘* My Atal Dad,” a performance which they all enjoyed huge! But all the while i y ola man was trying to think u) some joke that he could play on his boys, a ior altho’ harmony was restored and. every was lovely ia ray em he could not give up the idea of getting square It took him longer, however, to arrive at a point in such things than it did Shorty “and the Kid, and finally he took Ginger sane into his confidence, to see if he had any notions and conld help. bim in the business. But Shorty spotted him, and tumbled right away that the old man was trying to work @ snap on them, eo he Degas So duetae; And d his first idea was to make moak sic’ He and the Kid compared notes, and so went to work. This was what he contrived: Going to one ofthe § chambers up-stairs, he took a sheet, and after cu! around hole in it, about a in foot in diameter, he hu ee uD in one corner of the room, so that it reached to the floor. 4 Behind this he arranged a Tope, whieh attacked to a hook in the wall, so that it hung Gown in front of the hole in the sheet. To the lower end of the rope he made a noose, and then pl a chair behind sheet so that he conld sit in it, he found that hw could eri Sm sit in it with the noose around his neck, his to the ope! , Where he could vo 1t look as tho But, of course, the Kid had to stand in with order to work the racket all arranged, Shorty | took his
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THE SHORTYS MARRIED AND SETTLED DOWN. with the rope around his neck, while the Kid went in wesc of Ginger Jones, on whom they proposed +0 swor’ “Soy, Ginge, where’s my pop?’’ he asked. “Which pop yer mean, Marsa Chawles ?”? asked Gin- ger, grinning all over himself. “Why, my dad—Shorty. Have yerseen him?’ “Lots er times.”? “No, no, haye yer seen him ter-day,?? “No, sah, not since breakfast,’” 4 “We can’t find him anywhere, He was feeling very bad when I saw him last, and yer know what a des- erate cuss he is.’’ “Wal, sah, he am desperately fanny, sah; I know dat to my sorrow, sah.’? “Yes, but when he gets the blues he is just as des- sperate in other ways; and, between you an’ I, Ginge ow don’t let this go any further), he isn’t quite so uappy with his wife as he ought ter be; an’ do yer snow, I'm afraid he'll make away with ni some of these times ?’ said he, in a stage Aig ““Good golly!” exclaimed Ginger, looking wild. “Hush! Don’t breathe a word! must not be known outside of the fam. He had’em on him this ‘morning. New, Me go quietly all over the house an’ see if yer can find him, an’ if yer do, £et off some of vor jokes ter kind of cheer up, for he loves yer, ze. “ Now yer don’t go fo’ ter tell me dat——” “Hush! he is somewhere about the house, J think. Go and find him,” said the Kid, leaving him with a Aook of great concern. “By gosh!? mused Ginger, after being left alone. “T hearn tell dat dar war a skeleton in ebery man’s douse, but, fo? de Lord, who would look fo’ ole Bones 4n a house like dis yer?? and he glanced nervously around as pats wae expected to see a grinning skele- ton spring out from some dark corner and ce a +attling break-down. But overcoming his oe started for the upper of the house to look it over for the purpose of ding Shorty and making him feel.better with one of his jokes, never stopping to think how absurd the ddea was of such a fellow’s getting blue and contem- plating snicide. But he was a very euliiie darkey, Agel. and just the subject for jokers to play ‘their tricks upon. serenmaay coon, and that he had & great influence a coon, an e uence over Shorty 'so with this idea in his head he began to Wok into the unoccupied rooms in search of him, nce making a mistake and getting into the sky parlor accupied by one of the servant girls, and getting a pitcher of cold water thrown over him for his pre- sumption. But he finally came to the last room, a chamber at the rear of the house which was unoccupied, and he pened the door. Shorty was in position, looking for all the world as *2ougk he was hung, at t of which, Ginger’s wool ankinked and on end like a mad cat’s, Faking upon his knees, the trembling coon present- 2d a most abject and forlorn picture. His teeth were chattering lke a hash mill, and he shook like a rooster’s tail in the wind. If ever there was a frightened coon, Ginger Jones ‘was one. Indeed, as he knelt there before the horrid spectacle of his suicidal master, he was so utterly over- powered that he could not work his tongue atall. Shorty had all he could do to keep a “horrid” face on ed and once or twice thought he should be ‘obliged to laugh. Finally, ee recovered himself somewhat, and made for down-stairs, top of his voice, but nearly breaking his ot ho his stép and tumbled head over heels down the stairs, creating a deuce ofa racket and alarming the whole house. No sooner had he left the room, however, than Shorty the hook, and yelling bloody murder at the neck as he sisi and began to read just as though nothing med. Pirarder, murder!’? shouted Ginger, as he picked himself up, and nearly tumbled down the next flight tairs. bats What is it”? demanded all of the wives, rushing ‘ut of their chambers. “What is it”? demanded the servants, “What is it?’ called the old man and the Kid. “Oh, Lord! oh, Lord! Marsa Shorty hab hung him- zelfy”? tried Ginger, and then the Kid knew that the snap had worked. “ Hung himself!’? “Tm possible!’ sald they all. “* where ?”? 2 ; tairs in de back chamber; oh, Lord!” “Mercy, mercy!" and Shorty’s wife fainted, while the old man seemed actually stunned. =: “He hab bi heself, an’ am lookin’ out ob a hole? me Ginger, still trembling and looking like a black ost. was nothing to be found. “ Where is he?” they €rs, fathers, and servants followed in. Ginger looked wonderingly around and into the va- rious ——- the room; there was no sign of any “What do you mean?” asked the old man. “What yer given us?” protested the Kid. a re ai mr feet. Then rushing to the door he} xiq “‘ What's ther racket?” asked Shorty, who had fol- lowed them all up to the room. “Wal zat bah!’ exclaimed Ginger, gazing at Shorty as though he had been a ghost, and then, utterly over- come, he tumbled all in a heap upon the floor, CHAPTER VIL GINGER JONES was a crushed and frightened coon. There he lay upon the floor, yelling and groaning, and trying to banish the vision of Shorty, whom he verily believed to be a ghost, from sight. The trick that Shorty had played upon him did not seem like a trick to him, for he would have sworn on a Bible bigger than he was himself that he had seen Shorty hung, and now he returned to the room, fol- lowed by the frightened household, whom he had alarmed, but not only to find no s of Shorty’s ee aay but actually to encounter Shorty alive and we He was speechless and ee ** What’s ther row ?? demanded Shorty, “Oh, Lord!” groaned Ginger. “ What's the matter with you? Get up and tell us what ails yer.” “Oh, Lord! Amn’t you hung?” he asked, “ Well, rather,’’ replied Shorty, smiling. “ Amn’t you a ghost?” “Not a very airy one. Why?” “JI seed yer, ober dare,” he sald, poin' pioay to the corner where he felt certain that seen Shorty ha! blance to himse! “Seen who?” «Git , be etter? ¢ k ha: hitched ow t sort of a crank have te! ter yerself? What's der matter?’ ea eg “Oh, sah, I’se all broken up,” sighed Ginger, eed Ishould say s0. What have yer been drink- “Nuffin’, sah.” “Don’t give us that! Yer been catchin’ on ter ther trem- e had ng and strangled out of all resem- “* Massa George a-hangin’ heself.”” “Nonsense! You’ve got ‘em, sald Shorty—“ got ’em bad. Now look a here, Ginge, you've got stop any it else yer’ll be huntin’ for another posish. See?’ “Oh, sah, it am so queer,’’ he protested. Yes, it does look a little that way, but go an let a hydrant run on yer head an’ try ter brace up, See what a row yer’ve kicked up here in this house, An’ yer told me that yer never drank anything but water.” “No, sah, I neber does.” “But how abont this?” “Sah I don’t understand n noways. Der Kid he afin’ he couldn’t find yer, an’ tole me ter look about e house, ee Git yak Neber said nuffin’,” put in the Kid, brac- ran m. : a Yor didn’t?” exclaimed Ginger, starting back and looking at him in amazement. ve “Cert not. I tell yer dat yer way off. G looked at him with open mouth, “G it won’t do,” — Sho’ ye “No, Ginger, you are a 2 Think what a scare You fave given us,” sald the 's “ He's no at all, at all,” put in the cook, who was one of the alarmed company. . “ Don’t let this occur again, sir.’? * Better bounce him now.” “Think so?’? “ Cert.” “ Ginge, can you stand a bounce?” asked Shorty, “Oh, golly, boss!. please don’t,” said he, a most pityful look. “Bounce him!” cried the Kid, “Oh, Massa Charles?” “Git! Didn’t yer soy I told yer ter go hunt for der ole man?’ “ Wal, didn’t yer?” “What! Givin’ it ter me agin?” ie a Lord! We! os so, boss.” A AS “T presume you ut you are a’ old ae ‘et hatter bounce tim” lain eee “Yes, fire him!’ sald the Kid. “Oh, Lord!” groaned the coon, ae Song. wah yet shut down ?” asked Shorty. ow, boss?” he asked, tremblingly, _“ Quit ther booze.” “Oh, boss??? Well??? Y, AT a got no tip, sah.” “Yer juice.” y . Oh, boss, yer tanglin’ me up awful,” sald the poor lexed coon. = - “Will yer quit?” -“Yll do anything, boss.” - “All right; stop drinkin’.” “Oh, boss! Please don’t!” EES p: _ “Don’t what?” ark t “ Think dat I drink.” : cs ee “Well, yer get it down some way, but if I ever find you off so bad as this again I'll lift yer inter thet street. Savy?’ asked Shorty, “Tse got no savy, sah.” Sake do you understand what I have been tellin’ er?’ - “Yes, sah.” “If you ever see anybody in this house hung pr al haye to go. Do you get that into your k ea “Tai tiene sin “That settles it;” and the party started down. proceeded by the worst broken-up darkey that eve: was seen. \It took some time to restore tranquillity in the ee the hurrah had created such a sensation, but finally i was understood that the whole thing had been a joke, and several good laughs were indulged in oyer it. But it was no laughing matter for Ginger Jones. He knew very well that he had not been drinking any- thing, and why this apparition should meet him inthe — way it did was more than he could tell. ‘Mus’ be dat I’se clean gone crazy,” he mused, “At all events, dar’s somefin’ bad de matter wid my nut, I ’spects. Took my dyin” oaf dat I seen dat Shorty hangin’ stone dead up dar in dat room, an’! took my oaf dat de Kid tole me all *bout. how he was *fraid dat he was gwine to make a ‘stiff’ ob heself, But I guess I mus’ be ’way off. Wonder what’s de matter wid me, anyway? I’se ine right off ter see de doctor, anyway;” and clutc his head in his hands, he sank into a chair and took a Jong think. But he could arrive at no otherconclusion than that he was off his base, and so, aftera long cogitation he Started off to see a phys And who should he go to but Mr, Burwick’s family doctor, and naturally enough he turned him over to one of his students, one of the same wags who had — Shorty in carrying out the “ cupping ” racket, which had been played on the old man. “Well, Mr. Jones, what seems to be the matter with you?” he asked. d “4 , dat yer am jus’ what I’scome terfind out,” “Doo bs.”” ‘ “No, jams,” replied G “smiling ing ich ports & Way, as though Bee ran tndicene reas believe it himself, ak rf = “What! Delirium 2” asked the student, starting up in well-acted wonder. “ Yes, sah.’ “ Are you a lusher?? “No, I’s a waiter,” “o,f nee based anybody ta my i repled ‘0, sah; neber an m Te) Sots voumake i ti : to ni Dee you make it a practice to “T—I don’t understan’ you, sah? “Do you bend your elbow ?”? * Sometimes, sah.’? “ Ah! you do, hey?” “ Guess ebe! Dod bends dar elbow, sah.” i ; “No; but what I wish to arrive at in order to make & correct osis of your case, is whether in your meanderings about the city, in or out ofthe society of your kind; whether in public or in the ena: Of) Sees your own chamber, you are given to the’ us practice of ‘ hoisting.’ ” : ; Ginger opened his eyes as the young doctor rattled off so earnest'y, and seemed to be taken com- pletely aback. “Be good enough to answer my interrogatory with- te any mental hesitation, reservation, or equivoca- — ““N—no, sah, I~I neber had no bad practices like dat, sah, neber,”’ said he, after recovering his breath somewhat, “You never ‘ hoist?’ ” «Wares yon at aitsh to quaffing the ‘rosy? ell, are you at ven he asked, continuing the guy. £ 7 i sane sah,” he replied, without knowing what be ean : “ Neither openly or sub rosa??? 2 y “No, sah; neber quaff nuffin’.” ei iz “Do you not sometimes illuminate Pas pathway through life with effervescent nepenthe “No, sah, neber.” Fi “ Are you in any sense a bacchanalian ?”” oor “No, sah; I’s a civilian.” : “ Well, sir, do you drink spirituous Hquors?”?) x “No, sah; only once in a while I aliilegm an’ — Wiss “In ” aera 3% “Yes, sah, but I don’t make no practice ob it; Ty “How, to get enough?” res “Yes, sah” j Seta “Let me see your tongue.” ose heal Out came about a pound of it. : > “Do you wear a liver rv? S No. sah a “Corns trouble you during an east wind?” _ had no corns, sah.” i apo is the speculum relatibus of your molenceiat > gh © Pas A £4
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~ “Let me see sour tongue, Ah! I see evidences of Piciculas, evidences of coagulated strabismus.” Ginger drew it. that tongue of his and started as though he had been kicked. “Are your cuticubctory pores generally open?” ; *J—I don’t know, 8.Jh,”’ he replied, hesitatingly. -=-™-@-™"™#™#00-.-—N“nuNwmaRm——O————— Sw 5 I I “Can it be cured, doctor?” “Oh, ep TI guess so. I will give you a prescription that will fix you allright. But you must stop playing policy and drinking gin, as well as all other bad hab- its,” and he proceeded to write him out a recipe in Latin names, but which amounted to but little more than a bottle of liquorice water with a dash of pepper- mint in it, and which he directed to a friend of his who was a clerk in a drug-store. ‘How much will it be?’ asked Ginger, pulling out his pocket-book. “Mr. Jones, I shall not charge you anything for at- tending to this case, for it is sucha new one to me, You see, lam studying medicine and want opportu- hities to practice. I shall want to experiment on you i, i p : / from thing. Ginger stood aghast with open eyes. d “And I may want to practice surgery on you Ooc- casionally. For instance, I would like very much to open your lungs and note the operation of them; but whatever I may do, be assured I shall charge you nothing for it.” “You—you is very kind, sah,” Ginger finally man- aged to say, althongh when he took that preseription and left the doctor's office, he just made up his mind that he would never get a chance to cut him open and examine the workings of his lungs, No, he had rather die right out and out with the terrible things that he had been told that he was suffering with. ‘ But he went and got that pee tion put up, and the drug clerk guyed him still further by telling him how careful he must be in taking the medicine, after which he charged him a dollar for it, and he returned to the Shorty mansion feeling better. But, of course, he got laughed at there, and the old man concluded that he would have nothing to do with him in the racket that he pre to play on Shorty ae bee Sater seeing what a sucker he had proven him- self to be. But he was bound to work it all the same, although what he should work or how he should work it was more than he could say now. Still he kept at it, trying to study ont some racket that would get him even with the mischievous runts who had played the cupping snap on him, and he put his mind to work with all its force. Finally he got rats on the brain, ; ume to time, and so will not charge you any- Rats? Yes, he conceived of a way whereby he could make Shorty sick. t Po ; He would find a Laer aot buy about twenty of him, | These rane Bee oe place ia one of the + 5 5 ae ita tear * a wits eras i they could not help laughing, and while they were doing so, Angelina, held up her hands and screamed, THE SHORTYS MARRIED AND SETTLED DOWN. 2. P drawers of Shorty’s dressing bureau where they would be confined until he chanced to pull it out, when the rodents would médonbtediy make it lively for him. _ The more he thought of this racket the more he wae in love witb t, and finally he told his wife aboutit. She regarded it as nuge, and this'so tickled him that he at once set about carrying out his grand rat raeket. After some inquiries he found a man on Water street who dealt in rats, or at least he dealt in death for them, and with him he made an agreement to fur- nish two dozen liye rats, which he was to bring to him t hae on a certain day, inclosed in a bag. And then the old man rubbed his hands in glee. At last he was sure. of working a racket on Shorty at+ least that would pay him oif for some that he hag played on him. mm) i He and his wife talked it over, and although she dia. not exactly like thefarrangement because of the fright — it would be likely to give her mother, yet her desire to t even with the little jokers was so strongthatsheat length cencluded that she would consent to it, ~ Now, through a friend, Shorty found out about thie intended joke, and he resolved to havea piece of it himself. So he watched for that rat-catcher, and by a little artifice managed to get the ol4 man out of the house at the time the man was to go there with the rats, for a five-dollar note fixed things, as it aften does ™m other cases, And this was how it was. He fixed it up with the man to come to the house two hours before the time appointed with the old man, and to deliver the bag of rats to him, after which he was to return and bring a bag of potatoes that would resemble the other as much as ible, he scheme worked admirably. The man brought the rats while the old man and his wife were away, » and Shorty carefully placed them in one of thedrawers of their dressing case, at the same time fixing the mouth of the bag in such @ way that they could on! get out after being placed in the drawer long enoug to give him time to close it, . seg m he and the Kid went up to the billlard-room te~ > play a game or two and to talk over the probable re- sult of the rat racket. s* The old man in the meantime remembered that he — Yn. had an appointment with the rat-catcher atacertaim | hour, and he was promptly on time, as the man, .. ogi tw Se of pota! as Shorty bad ordered. fi “ t! it’s all roight,” said the man with a very mysteriouslook. ee ate 2 ‘How? » ee rar’ ~ ri r x “Dye chioreformed { wan ay thim, an’ 2o0-8 cole jue thtnapeves fix sep antnnted 78672. yo Rear oe SD at es ee Sev HM wen “
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7 THE SHORTYS MARRIED AND SETTLED DOWN. “All right,” said the old man, and after giving him | were put to the old man and his wife as they danced ‘ive dollars,t{he took the bag of potatoes and stole soft- | around to avoid the rats, Sy up into Shorty’s chamber with it. Here he found no one, and after placing the bag of suppesed rats in the draw where he knew Shorty kept Ais cigars, he carefully opened the mouth of it and then hastily closed the drawer. It was several hours before bed time, and the family passed them pleasantly as usual, the old man and his wife all the while aching and anxious for the fun to commence, as it was almost sure to after Shorty and his wife retired to their chamber. And finally all hands retired, and both the old man and his wife, in order to appear wholly unconscious ‘* Ah! rats!” cried the old man. ‘*‘ Rats!” moaned Angie, his wife. **Rats!? “Oh! take them away; do, please.” “Send for a deg!” “Send for a cat!?? “ For tep cats.”? “ And a dozen rat traps.” “Call in a man with a club!” “Soy, what for??? asked Shorty, who pretended not to tumble. i“ Rats?’ exclaimed the old man. — + And yet that settled the business about the matter ofthe rats. There could be no mistake about it, there ~ were real rats there, and not rats of the imagination, | as Shorty had suggested. ‘““ What can be the meaning of this?’ asked Shorty’s wife, pretending that she did not understand it, “How should we know ?” asked the old man, speak- ing for himself and wife. Indeed, they new all about it, but none of them ap- peared to be so anxious to seem to know anything about it as the old man did, for he felt so silly over the failure of his practical joke upon Shorty that he want- ed to go and hide his bald head. -“Chip has killed them all,” said the Kid’s wife, re- “Oh, shoot ’em!” uried his wife, and both she and | turning to the room. of aH that might happen, at once got out of their | he danced and yelled. i | oes and into their night-clothes without loss of 2. They waited and listened, for Shorty’s room was Miext to-theirs,and they sat around in this way fer some time, until finally the old man thought that a ci- «gar would help pass the time until the circus began. So he went to a drawer in his bureau where he kept his choice Havanas, and pulled it open, lm an instant two dozen rats leaped out, some of them into his face and all over his person. He yelled murder and fell over backwards, while his wife screamed and made a leap for the bed, on top of ‘which she climbed, pulling her night-dress tightly around her and squealing as only a woman can squeal when she sees a rat or a mouse, while they themselves were running and squealing all over the room. — CHAPTER VIIL as the old man could gather himself up Riertenern his feet, he proceeded to bounce up into a chair and to join w! wife in yelling murder and calling for help, ae the ngs apd here about the 0 all sorts of ways . eireey were both paralyzed, bes the only conclusion they could arrive at as they stood at bay, was that the eld man had made a mistake, and instead of placing the bdg of rats in Shorty’s bureau draw, he had place them in his own. é Waengeh and t tap te Nok vod Live” were close at all ready for the rack Thr ed in when the cry was raised, and they were excusable for doing so. “ What's der row?” + What ts it?” Q : ; “Who's killed ?” ¥ “Who hit yer?’ and other exclamatory questions j probably never knew what brought them out. If ever there was a frightened coon, Ginger Jones was one. “f : ae Petes 4 utterly overpowered that he could not work “Now, say, what's the matter?” cried Shorty, brac- ing back earnestly. _ * Rats!” cried « Where ?”? “See ’em!” said the old man. ** Where, I’m shoutin?” “ All over the room.”? “Yes, the drawers are full of em?’ “Whose drawers ?”? “Oh, Lord! send for a terrier!’ « And for traps!’ * and for rat poison!” ‘* Well, say, what for?’ demanded Shorty. “Rats!?? “Run ’em out!” “Now, Say, you fellers have got ’em bad)” “ But the rats,”? “Do yer see rats ?”” “ Certainly.” “Nix. No rats here," ap raat have you teen drinking vary. at have you been ” “ Nothing.” 7 “ Nothing stronger’n brandy?” : ‘“*T tell you, George, there’s rats in this room. About fifty of them Re out of that drawer there when I opened it, and they are all scattered over the room.” “Nonsense!” ‘You chaps have been takin’ too much of the ole stuff, and it’s a wonder yer don’t see alli- gators,” and Shorty gave vent to a good round laugh. Indeed, the rats by this time had all gotten out of the door, and there wasn’t a smell of them left, which puzzled the old man greatly. Fut while those in the secret of the snap were laugh- ing and guying the victims, the rats were being made the victims of Shorty’s little black and tan terrier, who killed the whole lot of them so quick that they Indeed, as he knelt there before the horrid spectacle of his suicidal ter ed, a8 ittapeé call 2 of his suic mas 7 peeneeles “*See if there are no more in the drawer,” suggested Angeline, who had no notion of getting down from the bed until sure there were no moreratsintheroom, __ The old man opened the drawer and looked careful. ly into it, but the rodents had all stepped out. Then his wife stepped down. : Without admitting that they knew about the matter, Shorty'and the others laughed and rigged the old man for some time about his bag of rats, and then lefthim te Be alone to talk over the result of this joke — orty. : _ But they had only a little to say about the matter, — The old man was the first to speak. : Sy ** Angie, do you feel pretty strong?” dreadful “No; those rats frightened the strengthal ‘ergs Why?” Som abe tae 2 ‘I want a strong, vigorous person for about % minutes.” mat cco x “What for ?’? “To club me.” hin’: “Do you think you, deserve it?”.she said, laugh ingly. “Well, I should say I did. Who would have be- Heved me so stupid»? te or ‘4 “I suppose you was flustrated for fear some one would catch you at it, and placed the bag of rata in our own bureau instead of theirs.” : ee “Yes, that must have been the way of it,” mused the ~ old joker, thoughtfally. : 8 “ Enless—" ; “Unless what?” ak “ Unless Shorty found out about the joke and quietly removed him from his drawer and placed them in ours. : : The old man started up with open eyes. It wa barely possible that this was so, for Shorty was keen enough to catch on to almost anyt . But even this solution of the mystery did not hel much, —~ if he had made the mistake in placing the rats, be - ‘
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aa) u¥ lt that he deserved to be isnghed at and clubbed, and - {f Shorty had really played the game back on him, he glso deserved to be laughed at, so he had no choice : either way he might look at it. € At all events, he felt sick over it, and to make mat- ters worse, his wife playful, ted that he give up the bi ess of practical joking, which suggestion nearly broke his heart, for there was nothing he would : not admit quicker than that there was anybody who 7 could play jokes better than he could. . The next morning the whole house was awakened by a musical racket down in the basement, and on ing down there they found Shorty perched up on the Back of a chair, playing a rattling jig upon his banjo, and Ginger Jones and the Irish cook footing it down upon the floor at a lively rate. * Whoop ’er up!” cried Shorty, bound to give them all they wanted, for both of the seryants made great pretentions to dancing. = Ginge!”’ yelled the Kid. “Go it, Biddy!’ put in the old man. “Whoop!” cried the girl, finging her big the floor at aloud rate. *‘Come on, ye rl “Go in dar, honey! I’se gwane fo’ yer!” cried Gin- ger, crazy with delight. me “Come on!’ “See me, chile, see me! Isn't I comin’?”” “Whoop! Sure nager dancin’s no good at all, at all. Luck at that now!” Soon the entire household had assembled in the kitchen, and all thoughts of breakfast were apparently abandoned, for there wasn’t one of them that didn’t think more of fan than they did of eating any time. Shorty’s racket, however, was not only to see the ~ servants dance, but to get them to pe if possible, ey for they had always been boasting of what they could Lay do at dancing, and so he kept playing away to see now long they would keep it up, and which one would weaken first. The entire peed rae was cheering them on, and they were doing their level best to keep up the jig, and tire each other out. Biddy was doing an Irish jig, and Ginger was rat- tling away at a plantation breakdown, which really uired more wind and muscie than the other one did. but it was fun to see the two styles of dancing to the same music. But after dancing about fifteen minutes Ginger be- gan to blow and show signs of weakening, while Biddy seemed as fresh as a new potato. feet over p? “Go it, Ginge!” cried Shorty. “Don’t weaken, ole man,” urged the Kid, but Gin- ger made no rep! He had no aes spare for chin music, but he in- See ey in a big that looked a trifle sick, and : the whites of his eyes vaguely. Shorty swapped winks with the others as he grad- quickened the time he was giving on his banjo. y took heart, and went in stronger than ever, _ whooping in her auticipated triumph, and calling “upon poor Ginger to step in lively and show his aero - Bat he only grinned in response, _ could with what strength he had le “Go in, Ginge!” “Get in some of yer fine work now!” “Where are yez now’? demanded Biddy. “Don’t let her down yer, Ginge!”’ and other re- $ of a more or less encouraging nature greeted * | as he struggledwith the dance. ~ But he was nearly winded, and after one or two more breaks, he broke up entirely, and sank exhausted into a chair. _ A derisive cheer greeted him, while Biddy gave a - triumphant whoop, and put down a few more steps for * ould Ireland,” and then subsided. _ “Where are yees now wid yer nager dancin’ ?”’ she _ asked, mockingly. - —“Ginge has weakened.” * Ah! afore I'd give up ter a woman!” “Whew! she am de wuss I ebe> teen,” sald Ginger, puffing with his exertion. » _ “How am I ther wuss?’ demanded Biddy, instant- “Ty bristling up, ready fora fight. ~ “ De wuss ter beat at dancin’,” replied Ginger. “Ah, maybe yees think yer can bate meat onything else?’ she said, going nearer to him. “No* fo’ de Lord, you am de boss.” “Ob eberything in de wo t - eberyt n world’ he replied, seeing ‘that she was in just a good humor for roction now _ that she had beaten him at sescing ty it’s best that ye soy it, er, begob, old blacken yer ores so I wud.” Ginger made no reply, and at the suggestion of Shorty’s wife, Biddy went about the neglected busi- __pess of cooking the breakfast. And so Shorty and the Kid were obliged to do with- out seeing a fight between them, although there could : i ‘be no doubt but that Biddy was ready for it at any fime._ : "At the breakfast table the conversation naturally turned upon rats, and such a laugh as was raised at the old man’s expense was enongh to make a man go after beating around the bush and ye Sho ile. ut an a while, Shorty came plump o Bemectves : “oa Sid man, however, went out ora walk in Cen ‘Park, and began to club his brains again fora he could work on Shorty. The laugh mus ie THE SHORTYS must be ! ber. hes : vanes by some means, for he was becoming tired ts) Shorty and the Kid both went out to drive with their wives as usual, and in the afternoon he visited one or two of his old haunts, where he met old profes- sional friends. One of these friends chanced to be Gus Williams, and they swapped yarns and chaffed each other as they usuely did, although the subject of the muchly mar- ried Shorty family was the one that afforded Gus and the others the most amusement. Gus is one of the atest practécal jokers in the world, and it would bea cold day when he was not prepared with something new. On this occasion he took an india-rubber toad from his cket and placed it upon the table. It was startlingly life-like, and Shorty was for an instant puzzled to make out the snap; whether Gus had really provided himself with a tame toad in order to frighten people, or whether it was simply an artificial one. ‘And to make the deception all the greater, Gus had & way of p’ his finger on the toad behind in such a way that he would hop as naturally as a live one woul “Say, Gus, give me this toad’? said Shorty, after looking at it for a few moments, “What do she want of it, Shortness? Goin’ to work his hind legs into soup?’ asked Gus. “Nixy! Going ter work him inter a racket on ther ole man.” “What! working the old man yet?” asked Gus, laughing, and then Shorty told him about several of the a he had worked on the old fellow of late, and | ati espec: ,, the rat racket. Vell, t the ** toad,” and took it home with The first thing he did was to show it to the Kid, af ter which he watched his opportunity, and placed the “animal” upon the kitchen table, and then skipped for cover to note the result. Presently Biddy came along near the table, droning a song, as she always did shen she felt good, and after awhile she discovered the toad. : **Howly mother av Moses !? she exclaimed, starting back in surprise. ‘“Fut’s that? Be jabers, but it’s a frog, so itis. Wonder did ther milkman scoop him up this mornin’ when he was watherin’ his milk at the brook? Ont av that, ye baste ye! Shoo! What! yer won’t go? Then, begorra, we'll sa about it,’ and, catching up the broom, she raised it and gave it a ter- rible whack, brea\ several dishes and raising a deuce of a row, bu? fot injuring the toad at all. Then she held her breath and looked at the rnin she had wrought, “ Bad luck to me; futhave I done, onyhow? Where’s that bloody cratur, onyhow? Sure, I’ll bate ther belly out ay him this toime, so I will,”” and she made an- other whack at the toad, this time nearly breaking the table with the blow. But of course the india-rubber animal was not harmed in the least; and, seeing that she had not yet burst his crust, she kept on poems it with the broom until it bounded off the table upon the floor, when she proceeded to jump upon it in a most savage and de- termined manner, bound to mash it or die in the at- tempt. She didn’t exactly perish in the attempt, but in jumping upon the india-rubber ‘ baste,”? it somehow tripped her so that her heels flew up and she went sprawling upon the floor with a heavy thud, accom- panied by a big swear. Then she was mad and wanted blood. tz Ira, but only wait till I'd get the ax an’ sa fut I'll do,” said she, starting for the cellar, where that deadly weapon was kept. le she was gone the Kid sprang out and secured the toad, and then flew to cover again just as she re- turned with the ax. “Where are yees now, bad luck ter yer?’ she asked, ailing ite ax and looking around, but I think he knew fut was comin’ an’ hopped out,” and she looked all around for her intended victim. “ Faix, it’s lucky for him that he got out, or I'd ha’ ope ther divil ont av him.” Finally she concluded that the “baste’* had made its escape, and so returned the ax to its place, after which she proceeded with her business, Presently, however, Shorty and the Kid came into the room and asked her some ordinary question about something, when she began to tell them <bout her ad- venture with the frog, as. she called it, and while she was doing so the Kid placed it on the table again. “Why, there it is now!” exclaimed Shorty, _“Bad manners ter ther bloody baste. hist! wait till yer sa me scald ther loife out av tim,” she ex- claimed, rushing for the tea-kettle. : “That'll cook his goose, Biddy,”’ said red “Indade, but'sa if it don’t,” and holding the kettle of boiling water over the toad, she poured a stream a it, which, of course, did not even cause him to “Howly Moses!” she fexclaimed, while Shorty and the Kid laughed heartily. “Hot wather don’t move him.” “Oh, those fellows enjoy scalding water,” said y Did onybody iver see ther loikesav it? Hould yer honld abit,” and she ran for her dust pan and broom, intending to take the “crathur” up and throw him into the fire. But when she returned, the toad was nowhere to be seen, having been transferred to Shorty’s pocket, and after laughing a little at Biddy’s confusion they with- drew and Jeft her to figure it out alone. Watching his opportunity, Shorty went up to the old man’s chamber and placed the toad in bed to see what the result would be, and then he and the listened after he and Angie had retired to their cham- first to e result was that Shorty cok possession of “Be me sowl, | . MARRIED AND SETTLED DOWN. . They waited for some time without hearing any things uncommon, but presently the gas was turned out ana there was a moment’s silenee. Then there was a wild whoop in the room, and they had no difficulty in overhearing it. “Oh, oh, oh—murder,” shouted Angie, who was the get into bed. “ What is it, my dear?’’ cried the old man. “There’s a snake in the bed,” she screamed, tum bling out ofit in no very qracetal manner. e. “A snake!’ exclaimed he. “Or a—a—a something dreadful. I—I put my foot om it, and it is cold; light a light, quick, or I shall faint.” “ Wa—wa——’” stammered he, as he flew around in search of a match, while his wife sat crouched upon the floor, crying murder and all sorts of things that tended to make matters lively all around. “Oh, Angie, what is it”? moaned the old man, as he finally succeeded in making a light. e Get something to kill it with—where is your pis- to pi} “Here—here it is. Where is it?” asked he, seizing his revolver and rushing toward the bed. “Shoot it, Josiah, shoot it!” “Hush! You stand at the foot of the bed and pull the bed-clothes down carefully, while I draw a bead on the reptile,” said he, tremblingly, Angelina obeyed timidly, while the old man raised his revolver anxiously. “Ah! there it is!” she exclaimed, as the clothes came down and exposed the toad. “Ah?? and with that exclamation he fifed a shot t. “Kill him! Fire again, Josiah, fire again!” and he did fire, not only another shot, but three more, pu holes into the bed, although he finally hit the sup; toad, and knocked it out of sight behind the bed. All the while Angelina was shouting murder, and then Shorty and the Kid burst into the room, followed by their wives and the servants, who had been alarmed by the shooting. The room was filled with smoke, and the greatest excitement prevailed on all sides. The old man wae so excited that with a loaded pistol he was tively dangerous, for every now and then he wo’ fire an- other shot, either at the bed or something else, and that naturally made things even livelier than they were. “ What is it—who’s killed?’ demanded Shorty. “Mercy, mercy! What has happened?” asked other females, as they gathered tremblingly around. CHAPTER IX, “Soy, what's der riot?” demanded the kid, whe with the others had rushed into the old man’s room when the pistol firing si her It will be remembered that Shorty placed that Indta- rubber toad of his between the sheets of the old man’s aot and that Angelina, his wife, had been eae frightened out of her life by placing her foot ir when she got into bed, and then to the eld man to kill it, which he proceeded to do with his revolver after rat ad.struck a light, and he was firing as thep came “Stop it!” cried Shorty, ‘‘ Who yer tryin ter kill?” * A toad wasin our !” exclaimed Angelina, “Toad stool ?” “No, a real toad.” ** Where is he !" **T have finished him,” said the old man. “Finished him ! Pick his bones !” asked the Kid. “Mercy, what a scare you have given us,” sald Shorty’s wife, although she knew the racket. “Yes, sir, a real live toad,” said the old man. Se Where under heavens could he have come m | “Oh, yer didn’t see no toad.” “No, it was a rat,” put in the Kid. “ Say, dad, yer ve got ter haul off.” _“ What do you mean, sir?” " “Got ter stop yer booze,” said Shorty. “ First yer see, rats, then yer see toads, Bimeby yer’ll be seein” Seep I tell yer yer *ve got to stop histin’ so. much.’ “Nonsense, 1 tell you there was a toad in this bed, and if you look over behind thereyou will find him, sure,” the old man insisted. “Bah! exclaimed Shorty, but he pulled the bee out and took a look. Presently he picked up the India-rubber toad. “ What der yer say?” he asked, holding it in his hand and looking from one to the other. — The old man and his wife drew near and cautiously took a look at the *‘ monster,”” “Ts it dead?” “Cert. Always was. Why?” “ Always was dead!” exclaimed both of the victims. “Cert. Say, what’s ther matter with yer chaps any- way ?’? demanded Shorty. “ Why, the toad,’’ “What toad?’ shey all asked. * See that?’ asked the old man “What? “That.” “Say, that’s no toad.” - "No ° “Course not. Look at 1t,” ne said, handing it te Angelina. “Ah! take the horrid thing away I” she screamed. “ Horrid! Why, toads ’er good ter eat.” “Mercy, mercy !”” . “Course they are. See: and he placed the head of the India-rubber toad in his month, causing to go into hysterics almost, and the old man to Fine ore abe heartily, and then the eyes, ; ees 3
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~~ “What do you mean?’ the old man finally de- Mmanded, greatiy astonished. “Why, toads is bully,”” chipped in the Kid. “ are yer been gunnin’ for this little toad 2” “Confound the reptile; he was in our bed.’? “That’s nothin’,” “ Nothin’ 1” _ . “ What are you all laughing at? ashed Angie, turn- to the others. * At the sell,” said Shorty’s wife. **Sell!’? “Cert,” and again they all laughed. “ India-rubber toad! ha! ha! hal’? “* What is that you say ?’’ asked the old man. “Look at it,” said Shorty, handing it to him. With some reluctance the old fellow received it in his hand, but the moment he did so he knew that he had been made the victim of one of Shorty’s practical jokes, as did his wife. And while the laugh was up the old man and his wife exchanged glances. They both understood it, and they were both mad. “Shorty, you ought to be murdered,” said Angie. “Let me at him!” cried the old man, making a dive Jor hima with his revolver. But Shorty lit out so nimbly that the irate old dad ‘was nowhere, and the others soon followed, making the house resound with their laughter, The visitors were left alone to themselves, They looked at each other seriously for a moment, but finally on the floor, and burst out laughing. But there wasn’t a laugh in the old man to save his life. He wanted to fight. enn sight of the India-rubber reptile he Junie uponit. He "ema his uppers and unders and then jumped upon it again. He hurt his best corn and then said naughty words real loud. His tried to quiet him, tried to make him see it In the light of a joke, but he only said his cuss-words louder and rae once more upon the innocent cause ofall the trouble. Bnt this last leap was an unfortunate one, for he struck upon it in such a way as to trip him in some way, and down the old man sat upon the floor, jarring the whole house with the concussion. His wife assisted him to his feet. “Why, how foolish, Josiah,” said she. x8 “Foolish !” and he had to grab his tongue in order to keep respectable. “Certainly. What spite have you to vent upon that harmless toy? What harm can you do it, anyway ?” “Oh, I would like to——” “Now, never mind. The thing is a clever sell, but the more you resent it the more they will have to laugh at. “Oh, oh, oh!’’ he cried, wild with rage. “The best way to turn the thing is to join in the laugh, and acknowledge the sell to be one of the best you ever knew.” “But—why, cu aune of it!” he exclaimed, scarce- ly able to contain himself. “TIsee. And it was as much on me as on you.?? “But to—to actually think it was a live toad!”. “Yes but it looks very life-like.” , hes to. pan a ane, piace ~ ity “ Angie co’ elp laughing at that. a Actaaly fired at it with my revolver!’ es. : “and put six or seven bullets into our bed.” eyes? “ While you held the blankets.” “Yes, fully believing it was a real toad.”? “Oh, it is too mych!”” groaned he. “Too much what—toad or sell ?"? ie caught sight of the toad as itlay upon |. “Bad luck to yer! Do yer think because ther boss can play a joke on me that you can, you black black- guard! Take that!” and she gave poor Ginger a paste on the nose that staggered him. But he didn’t wait to argue the question or to re- sent her pugnacity. He simply pulled himself to- ther and darted out of the kitchen, leaving Biddy the ss beyond a doubt, although he couldn’t for the life of him make out what the matter was with her. The next morning when the family met at breakfast, the old man had partially recovered from his fever of anger, and, following the adyicetand example of his wife, he joined in the general laugh and tted that ‘the sell was a good one. But it didn’t make him feel any better after all, and secretly he made up his mind to playa trick off on Shorty that would make him so sick that he would throw up his hands, So once more he brought his intellect to bear upon the subject of getting square with the little joker he had tried it on so often. But somehow or other he couldn’t seem to catch on to anything big. He thought of several things, but couldn’t carry them out, One thing, however, he did work. Both Shorty and the Kid had nobby umbrellas, which they danced out with whenever there was a cloud in the sky as big as a circus-tent, The old man went forthose umbrellas, He doctored them both in the same way. The result was that the next time Shorty and the Kid went out for a walk, as they did nearly every day, they took along their silk awnings because it looked as though it might rain. And before they had gone far it did rain, “Guess I'll have to wet my tent,” said Shorty, pre- paring to open his umbrella. ‘* Guess Ill skin mine,”? mused the Kid, stripping off the cover. They opened them at the same time, But in doing so they both pulled the handles through in such a way as to reverse the shape of their umbrel- las a a “What!” ‘they exclaimed together, and then they looked at each other. It was a comical picture. “re as the meantime they were getting wet. ‘ay!’ “Racket.” “Yes, der ole man’s got in on us after a long time, hasn’t he?” “Got in on our tents I should say.” “Guess dat was der intent.” ‘*Good for ther ole man!’? ‘ad Bully for der ole man, butrough on our new am- brellas,” said the Kid, darting into a friendly doorway out of the rain. “DN fix it.” “ How y” “We'll go and buy two more just like these an’ never Say a word about this racket.’ “ Good lick!” * An’ he'll be dead fooled.’? oo Cert.” “But we’ve got ter look ont for ther ole rooster, for he’s gettin’ coltish since he got married,” and laugh- gi ing they went to the same store where they had bought the umbrellas, They could not find two more exactly like their old es, but Shorty’s ingenuity came to the rescue as ual, and in order to make them look exactly like the old ones, he had the old handles put on the new um- re . “A trifle too much ofboth. What‘oughtI,to do with | brellas. that fellow?” ** Help him out with his laugh, and smother it by ad- mitting that it was the best practical joke that ever you knew of.” s . “What! admit that?” he exclaimed, “To be sure; always admit the trnth,’* “ And allow them to laugh at us!" “The laugh will not last long if we join in it, depend upon that.” “Oh, that scoundrelly runt!’ “ But it was a good joke, nevertheless,” “What! do you join in with him!’ “No, only if we laugh at the thing it will die out much sooner than it would if we were to resent it.” “Oh, confound him!" wled the old man, and turning out the light he jumped into bed, while Shorty and the others were laughing over the racket down- stair Say, Ginger, fat’s ther laugh all about above stairs} asked Biddy, as the colored waiter went into the kitchen to get a bottle of wine out of the refrigera- ~ oNSon, by golly ! de bess you eber hearn tell ob,” said throwing up the top of his head and laughing. * But who fired ther guns ?” , “Ob, by uy = hy ane ! whoop! Dat war de ‘ket eber I heard ob. me Bad manners to yees, fut war ithnyway? Give me some ay that lau: er nager. “Wal, I say, Bids did you eber see a toad ?”” ““Murther an’ nouns—fut’s eae yer soy later claimed, starting towards him an angry d; Git be femembered that she had been a victlm to that game toad, and her first impression was that Ginger was on a point of making fun of her. “ T "- “Put about a toad pigs bac ?” she demanded, stand- | agai r ing up before him with arms akimbo. “a Ingy-rubber toad,” said he, softly. AZ ; “Wal, mister nager, fat about yer Ingy-rubber toad?” J she asked, with her face close to his and in a very bel- rent mood generally. os war wile ter tell yer. © Did yer see dat toad ?”” The old man and Angie were sitting in the parlor near the windows, so as to see them when they re- turned, for the rain kept coming down, and they knew thet the joke must have worked before this time. But when the little jokers returned with perfect um- brellas, and to all appearances the very same ones they had started out with, the old man's jaw went down, and he began to think that it was impossible for him to get in on those two fellows anyway. As usual. he felt sick, and when his wife asked him mere the laugh came in, he wished he had never been ma! r But still he was bound to get even or perish in the attempt. One evening, not long afterwards, they all started to go down town a short distance to witness a billiard match between two celebrated experts, and at an agreed upon point Shorty and.the Kid let the old man pet & few yards ahead of them, and then suddenly jodged into a saloon out of sight. Just then a policeman collared the old the job haying eg Das up by coe: the aay before. 7 ere, I want you,” sa e, near) nking the old fellow out ofhis Coat. % ES “What!” exclaimed he, aghast. “Twant you. Come along or I'll club the whole head off of yer!” “What's the matter with you?’ and the old man began to show fight. “Oh, I'll show B hk what's the matter with me, and then somebody’ll want ter know what ther matter is with you,” said the officer, drawing his club. “Don’t you dare to strike me, cir, don’t you dare to lift your unholy stick against ay person!” “What! this is no holy stick; it’s a locust.” “‘ Well, whatever it is, don’t you dare to raise it nst me or I will have you broken.” “What! Dead men tell no tales.” **Release me, sir, instantly.” “T murmur, no, Come along.” “Never! What means this outrage?” he loudly de- manded, and by this time there was a large and ex- cited crowd around them. \ a ** Come along!’? “No, sir; I refuse.’? : ‘‘All right,”? and he gave the old fellow a belt with — his club, squarely on the fattest portion of his body, “ Murder!”? **Come along, I saw you pick that man’s pocket,”? “You lie, sir, Iam an honest man. I never pickea &@ pocket in my life.” “Too thin, old man. Come along or I shall warm the place you sit down on,” and with superior strength he d the old fellow along tovwa! the Arenguten he all the while protesting against the ou But they had gone only a short distance when Shorty and the Kid caught up with them. ‘Hello, Bob, what yer got there??? asked Shorty. **A tough old cuss, Shorty.” “‘ Ah, there are my sons!”? exclaimed the old man. “Do you know this ruffian, Shorty?” cried the old man. “Hello, why yer’ve gct dad?’ cried Shorty, pre- tending to be sixprised ef “What? : Si ole dad.’? " “Nonsense! What are yer givin’ me, Sho ‘Fact, Bob.’”? hs Riese “Of course it is a fact, you scoundrel, and if you don’t instantly release me, you will ind your days on the eee force are numbered.” . ah oe ct Ae, anyhow ?” bly al yy Nothing a’ was W: cea G) , Broadway when this Samat acto ene and vacused ; me of picking pockets.” . “Ts that so, Bob?” asked Shorty, seriously. ‘Got the old rooster dead to rights, ButI’m sorry he’s your father, Shorty,” ‘ “So bel,” 4 : “What!” exclaimed the old man?” **Better take him in, Bob,” “ Great heavens!” ¥ “Serves yer right. Ther idea!” : “But I tell yoon—” : “An ole man like you wid a young wife an’ barrel orty. : “i En don’t take any of his sass or ugly,” putin ~ e : th This paralyzed the old fellow completely. C “Come along or I’ll make a funeral of you.”? : “Shorty, what does this outrage mean?’ he crie@- imploringly as he walked along. 4 : “Give itup. “You know best.” **No, I'll be hanged if I do.” “Don’t talk to me; I shake yer |”? ““€an it be possible !? ; “Oh, shut up on that chin music,” said the officer, iving him another yank. The almost heart-broken old man said no more. He didn’t know what to say, infact. He could understand that the officer had made a mistake, but how it was ‘that his sons should go back on in this manner Was more than he could understand. ee Shorty and the Kid followed along with the usual crowd that accompanies any arrest, to the station eh, but on arriving there they did not go in with the others. : The old man was taken before Sergeant Polly, who have “Yes, got him up here on Broadway.’? “This fs “ Tam an honest man, sir.” ’ - , you light-fingered fellows.”? r * “ay ‘alt you, sir, that there has been a mistake made. “But the only mistake you made, old man, was rel getting caught. Run him down-stairs,”’ and in spl Ge ofhis protease he was yanked down-stairs and locked” into a ce a Once there he bewailed his fate, and wondered what had become of Shorty and the Kid, and why they had deserted him. ) Shorty; at which the old fellow started. =, 46 do you mean—is this a joke?” he finally de. manded. “How do you like it so far?”’ “Tt is an outrage.” j ; ae cee rea ae me out 0: and I never will , at other Fe on you,” said he, appealingly. = SW you swear itr” “ Yes. 7 “ An’ own up to eve fo ; . “Yes, I—I marked yout abies I—" but thetoua
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Jaughter of the boys and Sergeant Polly, who had joined them, drowned his further confession. Promising to treat all hands and never say a word about the matter, he was finally set at liberty. Buta “more thoroughly sick and disgusted man was never geen. ’ - No more practical joking for him! He had got all be wanted, but he did awfully want to get square with em. 2 CHAPTER X. | THat arrest racket cured the old man of all the am- bition he had to shine as a practical joker for the pur- pose of getting even with Shorty and the Kid for the snaps they played on him. 8 Only anxiety was that the sell of his being placed pores at the station house should not reach his “TI know when I have got rascals are too many for me, and Call all your friends and tell x ist ee m no good, only, for Heaven’s Tacket away at home. Promise e the Creneed to his promise not to attempt any more ea. 2 But it will be borne in mind that Shorty’s wife and ‘two danghters were not so very far behind in the ttet of making fun and playing jokes, and now and got one on the lads that made them wince. occasionally they played something on the old amd, occasionally, alsa, they got a snap played 16 “THE SHORTYS MARRIED AN e- cate : ? — ing up the broom, she raised it and gave it a terrible whack, ~ te a 7 In fact, it was a family of jokers, and something was going on all the while. Indeed, as before stated, it was one of the jolliest and most comical families that ever existed. The hot weather was over by this time and the fash- lonable amusement season was now opening in New York. Ofcourse the family took in nearly everything, for their object in life was to amuse and be amused; consequently they were either going somewhere or doing something every night. Sometimes they had Biddy and Ginger in a challenge dance, for which Shérty and the Kid furnished the music in their usual style, and which always furnished heaps of fun for them all, although Ginger was sure to get left every time. Yes, she could always boss Ginger when it came to toad at shaking legs, and he knew 13, although he hated to ac- knowledge it, > ° And sometimes they gave parties to their old theat- rical friends, which were sure to be ahead of anything given by anybody else in the city, and were conse- quently well attended by their many friends. But after all they bad the most fun at home with themselves, and if they lacked for a subject, they always went for Ginger Jones, who never fafied to be & good one, although he was generally the victim. For instance, the Kid told him one day that he must keep away from the kitchen. “What fo’ ?’’ he asked, in surprise. “Now dat’s all right, Ginge. Don’t give me any of yer guif,”’ replied the little fellow, looking serious, even savage. “TI don’t come fo’ ter unerstan’ yer, boss.”? “Yer don’t, eh? Yer don’t know Biddy, I suppose? What’er givin’ us?’ * Ob cose I know Biddy.”* * Well, hold up yer hands.” Ginger, who didn’t nnderstand the slang of holding up one’s hands, thinking that he had received an order, ima held up his hands. “What'r yer doin?” “Yer told me ter hole up my hans, boss.” The Kid looked at him a moment, but Ginger was s0 honest that he saw nothing. “Tumbie ?’? . “ How, boss’? “Der yer tumble? “Sometimes, boss,” Z : “Then tumble ter this,” This seemed like another order, and so the coon at once turned a flip-fap. «| - “Soy, what’er givin’ us?’ demanded the Kid, look- ing at him in genuine astonishment, “Didn't yer tell me for ter rumble?” “Oh, go shoot ye 7? Pee i> fs = 7 D SETTLED DOWN. breaking several dishes and raising a deuce of a row, but not injuring the ¥ i" I—1 don’t want terdo dat, boss, fo” my life amn’t inshud,” said he, rolling up the whites of his eyes. \ The Kid laughed heartily, |. “Soy, are yer playin’ it ea me?” * “No, sah, I neber played nuflin’ on nobody.” “But how about Biddy?” “Guess she am all right, sah,” he replied, with a big “Dead gone, eh?” “Dead an’ gone!” “Dead gone on you, eh? “How dat, sah ?? “Dead in love with you?” . “Oh, by golly!’ exclaimed the moak, and he epened his oe while laughing, wide enough to take ina ton of coal. * « * Now, hold on, Ginge, none of that!’? “Wha dat?’ he asked, half alarmed. “No guilt.” “TI neber guffed nopody, sah.”? “What have yer been doin’ ter Biddy?’ he asked, looking oP savagely at him. : “Me! Me do ter Biddy?’ “Yes, give it ter me straight, now, or you'll get der grand bounce.” ‘T_T didn’t do nuffin’ to her, sah.” “Come, now, no nonsense.” “‘Neber, so help me!” “Never give her any tatf?” “No, sab,” “Never made love to her?” ‘ “No, sah, she'd kill me if did.” ‘* Oh, that’s too thin. She’s mashed on yer, Ginge, an’ yer must have been workin’ yer little tally down in ther kitchen.” : 4 “Neber worked nuffin’ down dar, sah.” “Well, yer’d best keep away, for I hear dat she’s dead gone on yer.” : “Oh, by golly!” exclaimed Ginger, laughing. ‘4She says yer too bashful,” continued the litte guy- — er, look honest all the while. 4 ; F “Cert. She says if yer’d ther spunk ter kiss her, she’d go crazy on yer. Now keep away, and Jet her alone. Understand!” “ ss.”” replied the Kid, in a sort of maze. king Irish
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THE SHORTYS MARRIED AND SETTLED DOWN. _ weighed it up, and from that they judged what the re- sult would be, Ginger Jones began to feel his oats. “Yah, yah, yah! dat white gal clean gone on me, ey? Oh, I guess not! Who dat chap called mea coon? IfI don’t forget myself, 1 is de king-pin, I is. Biddy clean gone on me, hey? Oh, Imakedatall right wid her. Bashful, am 1?’ and then he laughed loud and heartily to himself—a sort ofa triumphant laugh— which sounded like the crow of a rooster who had van- quished a rival. It will be remembered that Ginger was a sort of a boss about the place; that he was a sort of fancy wait- sr, who had more to say than any of the other serv- ants, and on that account it is no wonder that he put 90 2 few airs. But so far as Biddy was concerned, he made up his mind first to disabuse her mind of the idea that he was bashful, and then to give her such a dose of taffy as would settle her business. That afternoon he fixed himself up in his finest. He worked biled shirt, bane ane at jee {sre mds he displayed were only a little shorto mn this, = be heehee into the kitchen and wed n its queen, y. one shot one or two killing glances at her as he en- tered, just to let her know that he was there and ap- ted her. “Bad Inck ter that mook,” she mused, “he’s fixed up moighty foine this noight, I wonder is there goin’ ter be a parthy here?’’ and then she coritinued her eines J was watching movements. Y ? she thin bashful, does she?” and then he “Oh, she pe Se kled to enaning a favorable opportunity, he stole up be- hind her, caught her around the neck and gave her a aac 3 kiss, Yes, it was a rousingone. _ ; . He yelled murder, and both Shorty and the Kid _ having e Kid, however, k to the front and shout all about. ~ Get off, Biddy, get off.”” “Yes, took her-off, boss, took her off,” cried Ginger, the moment he recoznized Shorty’s voice. f “ Bad luck ter the black spalpeen !?? “What has he been doing, Biddy?” “Murther, fut has hel’? said she, getting from astride the badly pummeled darkey, ‘‘ Why, this black blackguard stole up behinst me an’ gave me a kiss,” said she. * An’ yer kicked ?”? said Shorty. “Begorra, an’ I struck, sol did, bad luck ter ther black spalpeen.” M “Get up, Ginge. What yer doin’ down there on ther | floor?” asked Shorty. “‘J_I don’t know, boss, I—I’s kinder broken up, I is,” said he, struggling hard to pull himself together and get upon his pins. nantly. ; ““Now, boss, “Shut up, or Pll give yer some more,” cried Biddy, facing him. “Soft now, Biddy; did he kiss you?” > “He did, sor, an’ I'll have to scrub me lips wid soda, so I will,’ she cried. “Boss, it was all a mistake, I guess, but ther Kid tole me dat she was dead in lub wid me,” said Ginger, wiping the blood from his nose. “Tn love wid yees! In love wid a black nagur loike bor. Oh, murther!” and she threw her hands over r head Sabena U “Dat what de Kid say.” “ Git out! ther Kid never said anything of the kind. Yer tryin’ ter mash Biddy.” “Mash me!” exclaimed she. ‘“ Whoop!” “ Now, Ginge, look ahere; yer no good if this thing happens agin. I know yer little racket, but it won't work; an’ if I ever catch yer foolin’ like this any more, jean) *| yer'll get the gran’ bounce, Yer hear me?’ “Oh, lave me at him!” cried Biddy, who was not half satisfied. ‘Give me Jaye to punch ther whole head off him, ther spalpeen!”” t Nes oe no!” shouted Ginger, getting awey and behind orty. “Lave me at him!” “Hnsh! Stop all this nonsense,” said Shorty, get- ting between them. - ee. “Ther black baste!’? “ Ginge, yer’d better skin out.” “Lave meathimi” «| % “Hold on, Isoy. What's ther matter?”- f ‘Lave me at him?” *No, no! Go about yer work.” ; “ An’ lave that blackguard go aisy!”” “ “Neyer mind; I’ll fix that for yer,” said ea Ginger pulled himself tokether and got out of . : Like the old man, he was no hog. He knew very well when he had got enough, and he now acknowl. | edged that Biddy was more than enough for him, either at dancing or fighting. f . You may bet that Ginger Jones kept ont of the kitchen domains for a while after that. Indeed, it was not until Shorty’s wife had explained the whole mat- ter to Biddy that he was safe froma welting at her— hands, but after that peace was declared again. However, the object was attained, that of creating & laugh, for they talked the matter over at the table how nee t descript lo u of. how Riddy went for the amorous coon. Uses Ginger overheard the conversation, and yet ‘he not tumble. He was one of those fellows who Rete learn anything by experience, however roug' it may be, and as soon as free from one joke played upon him he is a good subject for another. ey But it was about this time that Shorty had com+ pleted arrangements for having private theatricals in the house. Hebad fitted upa stage in the back pars lor with every convenience that a larger theater pos sesses, including three sets of scenes and a good sto of properties. PP ig ae talent they had several’ Well, by the aid of volunteer y fall Pra fine entertainments there that attracted a house f friends, and scarcely any event of a like nature —_ that ae so Feces ears amateur these private ente: en See: Shorty ao the Kid gave some of their ialties each occasion, and the reader understan at part of the business well enough to know that what alwa: made a hit in all countries and among all peo) would be pretty sure to do the same thing in the of friends and acquaintances. jst 1s ages Well, finally the last one was announced; the close. ofime staat 2 War announced jat ie Shon hole busin was d e 8! J fami is tc he old man, the Kid, and’ Now the old man was not such a slouch as you. think. He had a fine bass voice and knew ho
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- 2 = oF ae ep a ey ee 5S Sepia THE SHORTYS MARRIED AND SETTLED DOWN. a a a I SS IE ES eR RE EE SN SS tt, and the idea ofa prima donna singing in thatvoice| ‘Did you do it?” he yelled. antly and without any attempt on the part of any- Struck Shorty as being exceedingly Va “ Boss—I—Shorty —” body to put up a job of any kind. So they rehearsed the business together until per- “Did he put you up to it ?”? Indeed, the wager stood well to be forgotten, to all fect, ands meantime Shorty was having a dress and wig ** Y—yes, boss.” appearances, although bot."Shorty and the old man “ What!’ screamed Shorty. were all the while thinking how they should work a “Club him!” shouted the Kid, and they all three of | certain something that should make the other sick. them went for that poor nigger and nearly knocked But Shorty, however, was working down deeper the stuffing out of him. ; than he was, for he had made up his mind that some- But he finally made his escape, leaving the old man | thing more than an ordinary practical joke woula in the belief that he had banged the man who had | have to be resorted to in order to catch the old aod played the trick upon him. sinco he would be continually on the lookout, a’ *“ After all, Shorty, I half believe that you are at the bottom of the affair,” said Angie. __ The dress came home in the afternoon, and the fam- “Yes, hang me, if I don’t believe so too,” the eld ily had considerable fun after dressing the old man up | man chipped in, and then he ran up the back stairs to 2nd showing him how to ma his trail, and do other | his chamber,jaccompanied by a laugh from Shorty and things the same as women do them. the Kid. _. But it was enjoyable sport, and he went in for it} “You fellows should be ashamed of yourselves _ with pleasure, never for one moment suspecting that | for playing such a trick on your father,”’ protested there was a job put up for him, or that the dress wasa Rogie: “Father! why, he’s my son-in-law,’’ _ trick one, such as are used in tomimes. * Lp “I’m sure you did it,” said she, following the old Such, however, was the fact, and Ginger was in- structed in the part he was to play with the stri man. they -had farranged, and by night everything was Meanwhile, Shorty’s wife and also the Kid’s wife _ readiness, were bidding the laughing guests good-night, as they The entertainment drew out a big house full of} retired, delighted with their evening's amusement. , It commenced with a “a Well, it was a racket all around, and those who had Screamer,” performed by a company of amateurs, | witnessed the entertainment and seen the joke that idly done. was played on the old man, went away to tell of it by various volunteers, | among their friends, and that accounts for this part of y Shorty, after which there at praia having got into the daily papers about na Burwick on a, mistress of; | _ But the laugh was clearly on the old man, and after rtys to dress for the'little | the guests had gone they all joined against him and made it warm. Yet he could not understand it, not being up in the bi as were Shorty and the Kid, and so he was obl: to stand it with the best grace he could. “Well, you have the laugh on me this time, but I'll bet you never get it again. Take down your stage; the season has closed, and if you ever arrange another one, don’t count on me as one of the attractions,” would notice the slightest move he might make. He had an idea, however, if he could only work it out, and to doso kept him quiet for the next week. But during that time he learned of the wager be. tween the old man and his wife, and as this was just what he would have wished for he at once began négo- tiations with her. The result was all he could have hoped for, and ina short time he had not only Angie but her mother ané sister on his side. Shortly afterwards a letter came to the house ad- dressed to Mrs. Josiah Burwick, which read as follows: “Dear Madam : I am sorry for one so young as you are; I am sorry that I must break up this dream of bliss that you have.indulged in so leng, but my duty to myself and children compels me to unmask a villain, and to assure you that you have been imposed upon, ou d, and that J am the lawful wife of the man who ¢) to be your husband. This I can prove, and will do so if you wish to prosecute him. “ AMANDA BURWICK.” Now came the time for Angelina to act. They met first at supper, as she had purposely an apt that they should, he haying been out somewhere during the afternoon. Amy dear, how do you feel this evening?’ he sever? enid sb starting back, and looking like “Sir y’ she, c (00) a stone image in her chair. The other members ofthe family looked up. “Why, Angie, I—what is the matter?” he asked, looking at her in astonishment, “ Don’t speak to me, sir !’” she replied, frigidly. “What, not speak to you?” “No, sir, go speak to your legal wife.” Ries Heavens! I—I thought I was speaking ta r. “No, sir; Iam not your wife.” “What? “Perfidious old man, read that!” said she, throw- 78 rand bewtldered he picked it pened it ani le c' OS) SBS reread é ut. ta ra e others swap) inks while he was doing noting the expression of his face. =a + tis it, dad?’ asked Shorty. “I—I'll be hanged if I know,” he replied, at the same time manifesting great excitement, “Lemme read it.’? “Ivsa mistake. I—[—” “Yes, sir; I should say it was a mistake,’ sneered his wife. ae curtain went up, a cae al See _ €ame upon the stage, being recei ‘ou Tr and applause. = said the old man. They man’s make-up was splendid,and manyin| ‘‘Nix. Dershow’d be no good without you,” said the andience refused to believe at first that it was really | the Kid. _he, or, indeed, & man at all, so completely was he| “Bah! the idea of making a clown of me! the idea of making @ laughing stock of me!” : Shorty was dressed as an Italian brigand, and the} ‘‘Soy, dad, that shows good management; good f Kidasa ceptive prince, the old man persona the | business ter make ther most of what yer’ve got. If is character of his mother, also a captive to the blood- ever I go inter ther buiz again, I'll give yer a cold two was mostly a solo by the old man, anda hundred a week an’ expenses.’? “For what?” he demanded. rio. by all three: a sort of a concerted piece— dialogue, set to music—and they performed it splen- “Ter play de prima donna.” “Oh, go soak yourself. You are forever getting me . the surprise was genuine, for none of their Suspected how well they could sing to- into some scrape or other. ButI am done with you now, and I'll bet a thousand dollars that you'll never get one of your snaps off on me ” : but of course when they heard oa old mene “Shake |? said Shorty, coming forward and extend- ng the part ofa laugh, so ridiculous was it. demanded ing his hand. “What do you mean?’ “Ill take der bet.’? “On what?” “Bet yer a thousand cold that I'll work anether Se oe yer inside of a month.” “ 0. r. U their business again “ re . Shorty took the letter and read it aloud, at which than ever, recelying: hearty na ee “ Wil yer shake on Ee the others put on expressions of great surprise and “ 4 cold thousand on it?” horror. “Certainly.” ‘Hey ?” said Shorty, looking at him. “Pat it there!’ What's dat?” “Sir, what is the meaning of this?’ demanded Shorty’s wife. ‘You old bald-headed wretch, have you betrayed my daughter?’ “Have you betrayed my sister?’ asked Caddy. ; “Say, how’s this anyway?’ demanded tele “Soy, have yersbeen makin’ bigamy? Kid chi eA in. a tell you I don’t know anything about it,’? he stammered, ee it is,’ replied the old man, offering him his nd. Pe yer all witnesses ?"? “Yes,” the women folks all replied. “Good ’nough!? and they continued their shake, “Put down the date, ladies,” said the old man. “Yes, we will remember it,” they replied. “But, understand, Shorty.’? “wWhat?? : idn’t have broken it off the way I did, only the eT was howling in my ears for ** more copy”? and ening ree ee eae eee oe Pree ie “ ” “Indeed! You mean you thought we should never (fia Teas pian en Septal ined age RGR a ce Sesh know anything about ik. Oh, why did 1 not.die im é old man Burwick, as the prima donna, went to} ‘ About my playing tricks on you.” short clothes!” moaned Angelina, burying het face tm t her napkin. “Oh! why did I ever have a daughter grow big enough to be betrayed! " ‘ why was I ever found?’ asked Shorty, in a @ front of the stage to give the final solo, and it was no slouch either. But just as he finished it, “opin gett ae Jones, who stood at the wing with the strings in 48 a flash the old man’s wig and dress left him and flew up out of sight. _ There he stood with nothing on but his undercloth- and the roar which went up from the audience nfased him even more. Tfectly dazed for halfa Senses, and then how he “Cert, if you getit on me aforeI do on you, the thonsand’s yours. Catch on?” “Of course l do, so let it rest at that.” And so the matter was arranged. A light supper was hemi partaken of, and all hands retired for the Then it was that Ginger Jones came out of his hid- ing-place and began to look around. “ By golly, dat were a narrer ‘scape fo’ dis chile. What a fool I war. Might hab known dat Shorty would hab laid it all ter me. Neber catch me in a racket wid him any mo’. He am de wuss I eber seen. I'll bet dat man hab got a live debel in him bigger nor & possum. Nuffin but clean debel could do what he do, an’ I'm done wid him drefful shuah.”” Having delivered himself of this, he turned down the wings, the lights and sought his bed. they would split, while the top of Ginger} Of course the old man was full of it after reaching s’ head seemed in danger of falling of and over} his own chamber, for he never would admit that : ds , Shorty could work over him on practical jokes. 2 curtain was lowered and Angelina, es old} “Now you a ister Angie, and see how sick I will : to ,” gal wildl thetic tone. Cd why hadn’t a mule kicked me when I was a ~ baby’? moaned the Kid. “Oh, my dear sister!’’ “Sir, do you wish me‘to claw your ugly eyes out P?_ demanded Shorty’s wife. : “ No—no——”’ ; pect claw out yourself,” said she, pointing to the r. “But I—I assure you there is no truth in the letter.’? “Prove it, sir, prove it!’? “I—I can do so; it was written byanenemy. Brin on yourAmanda! I dare any Amanda-in the worl to thee me and say that I ever married her!" said he, commencing to warm up a bit. “I will not believe you, sir,’ sobbed his wife, with her So cen se nd napkin. 17 said Shorty ‘ ‘oo thin, ole man—too thin, , shaking his head and looking terribly sober. “Oh, yer sly ole dog!’? the Kid. “You terrible old wretch!"’ said Caddy, “Oh, you bald-headed old libertine!’ “ Oh, you nasty, horrible, terrible, dreadful old cres- ture!" cried je, getting up from the table and leav- ing the room. a on here! I tell you that this isall a mistake,’* ¢ “ 4 mistake in our finding it out,” said the Kid's following her sister. spars = “ It is a frand, I say!” ; “And so are you,” replied Shorty’s wife, also get up and leaving the room. ne mtander and tiazest” he exclaimed. laugh- wife rushed behind the scenes the | make that fe’ he. “ Ah, Lam afraid you will not do it,” said she. “What makes you think I will not?’ “ Because in all the attempts you have made to do nanding, as she upo: so, he has always got the best of you, either on the *Yes, that is what I would like to know,” said | same awe another that quickly followed.”’ ¢, while Shorty, the Kid, and Ginger kept up their} ‘ How about those dress shirts?” “ Well).J will admit that you rather had him on y, you scoundrel, this is some of your’ | that _aifsir,’ rs,” roared the old man. -
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+? THE SHORTYS MARRIED AND SETTLED DOWN. — a ei ee FO 2 he * Pop, I shake yer!’’ said the Kid, also going out of the room. : “Hold on, I athe the old man yelled. “No good,”’ said Shorty. “What's no good, sir?’’ “ You, dad.’ “But I tell you it is all a lie!” Shorty shook his head doubtfally, “It’s some blackmailing trick.’ “Too veers en 4 ; 7 biga- “Shut up, § ow dare you tellme lama mist ?? he thundered. “There’s ther letter,” “But it’sa falsehood! I never knew any such a per- son as this, sir.’’ “Hold on, dad, Mayas well own up ter me; I'll}, never give yer away.” “Shut up. I tell yon!” said he, striking the table so hard that it made the dishes rattle and caused Ginger to jamp back. “Oh, yer know yer was kinder slashin’ ’round loose fora good many years.’? “ What if 1 was—what has that to do with it, I would like to know ?”” + “Oh well, roosters will be roosters, yer know.” Wi‘ You lie, sir—you lie!? “No, I’m sittin’ here,’’ said he, §‘‘ Don’t you suppose, sir, that ever I got married 7’ . ; “*Oh, well, I've known of chaps. gettin’ full an’ ttin’ married, an’ forgettin’ all about it the next 7? ‘Nonsense, sir. I was never married to but one Retig ms before this one, and that was your mother, ” “Maybe this is her,’’ suggested Shorty. “Bab td you, sir! She has been et these twenty years. No, sir, it is some confounded blackmailing scheme, and I know it.. What the deuce are you shak- ing your head for?” *3Cos I’m goin’ ter shake you.’? “What!’? sae parry x “Tmpossible! ie Sure pop. I’m married an? settled down, an’I can’t afford ter stand any of this nonsense even from my dad,’’ said he, rising. 5 “Be quiet, I tell you; it is all a lie.” pan yel have ter prove it, dad. I hold up m hands, I’m done with yer till yer shake off this mud,”’ and shal his head sadly he waddled trom the room. The old man watched him with open mouth and eyes. For halfa minute he did not speak. He scarcely breathed as he kept his eyes fastened upon the door out of which his son, his last friend, had gone. Finally he looked around and saw Ginger standing at the door of the butler’s try. a plate he hurled it atehis head. “What are you laughing at, you black son ofa gun?” he demanded, “J_I warn’t laughin’, sah,’’? moaned Ginger, trying to get out of the way. “Yon lie, sir; you lie, you black scoundrel!’’ and he buried a cup at pete into fifty pieces. “Don’t, sah! I—{ warn’t langhin’, sab. I was cry- in’, shuah,’’ plead the coon. ‘Shut up, sir. What the devil was you crying about ?’? and bang went abother plate at the dodging, “fT eer ceria’ sah, cryin’ fo’ you——"”’ a What business’ have Sink pe ay. for mR YP? he de- manded, a slo, wl at him savagely. “ Cowie? F “Shut up, you infernal idiot! How dare you cry for me?’ and by this time he so completely lost his tem- per, that he caught up the dishes from the table and continued to hurl them at the poor darkey, until there Was scarcely anything left on the table, and the pantry where he ute wast filled a abe . 4 After sa! gz his anger way, he got up an strode from aod ns Pict “Oh, by gosh! Wonder if I’s dead yet? Der ole man’s clean off his nut fo’shuah. Bet five cents dat Shorty am at de bottom of this yer. Whoo! he’s broke all dat whole breakfus’ set to smash. Lucky dat my skull am thick, or it would be in pieces like de dishes,” he mused, @ after rote If over for a mo- ment, he commenced to pick up the broken china, which was strewn everywhere, Meantime the old man had proceeded to his cham- ber. But on reaching the door, he found it locked against him. ; ; He knocked, but there was no response. He called, but no one spoke; and, after waiting a few moments, he turned and went to the chamber occupied by Shorty oat here the same thing awaited him. The door was locked, and no one responded to-his call or de- mand. —- Then he went to the kid’s chamber, only to go through with the same thing, and then it began to dawn upon him that he was shut out, tabooed, given the grand shake by every member of the family. The thought almost overpowered him, and, scarcely able to believe it, he went to his own room once more and tried to get in. . r It was tg however, and reluctantly he went down to the front parlor, where he took a seat and be- gan to think the matter over. ' , He knew, of course, that there was no truth init, but he never Maes tumbled to the racket that was working nst him. “Oh, she will never live with me again if I do, not clear myself of this foul stain, and the whole family has gone back on me,"’ he moan “I know what I'll do; I’ll put a personal in the calmly. 1 should know it if Herald, demanding that this ‘Amanda Burwick’ face me. Confound her, I’ll show her up to the world asa blackmailer, yes I will,’ and going to a little ais ‘desk that stood in the back parlor, he wrote an ad- vertisement for the supposed woman. Not satisfied with this, however, he wrote a reward, offering five hundred dollars for the production of the alleged Amanda, after which he jammed his hat upon his head and left the house for the newspaper office. No sooner had he gone, however, than'the conspir- ators assemvled in Shorty’s chamber, where they hada royal good family laugh, one that just pleased them all, and Ang*> was even more delighted than either of the others, as she was even now sure of winning her new silk dress. “But hold on, ther racket’s only just commenced,”? said Shorty, and then he told them what the old man would probably do, ‘But Fl fix that, no fear.?’ And amid a glow of pleasure and laughter the cur- Sane ie upon the first act of the farce of CHAPTER XII. THE racket on the old man Burwick, in which they were all pitted against was kept wu and it was@ racket! oR etek On his return from the Heravd office, where he had sues had written the letter to his wife, claimi to have been married to him long ago, and also te offer a reward of five hundred dollars for the produc- tion of the said Amanda Burwick, he met with the “sndcol Ne enad ot get aim n could not geta of any m of the family. Shorty and the Kid had ‘ft Saree be a women folks still had their doors locked aga m. Even his own wife refused to let him in, and after trying in vain to get a chance to speak to her, he ordered his horse hooked up and started ont on the road, hoping to meet his sons and have an understand- ing with them. : e ride through the Park was all very nice, and out upon the avenue was nice, but he not en- counter the objects of his search until he reached the paste Toadside inn, known everywhere as Judge 8. There he met Shorty and the Kid. They received him in the bar-room with a laugh, and as several of the friends of both parties | be! had been posted, the laugh was loud and strong at his expense, * Now, look here, Shorty, you know how this thing nr protested the old man, taking him to one side, r he had “ ordered them up” for the whole party. “Nix. Don’t know nufilin’ "bout 1t,”” replied Shorty, still very sober. “But I tell you it is alla fraud.” ‘Yes, I guess that’s so.”” ‘Now you shut up! I have put a personal in the Herald for that old girl who claims to be my wife, and I have also offered a reward of five hundred dollars bleed who will produce her,”” “What ?’? * Old time, dad.’ “Old time what?” “ Old time blu” “ How?” ; * Why, it’s alla bluff racket, ofcourse. I tumble,” replied Shorty, coldly. “You do? How ?” “Oh, the old racket of bluffing off. Now give us a rest, dad. I won't have it,’* “What? “This innocence.” “I tell you Lwas innocent, This is a put-up job, and you ought to know it.” ‘ é “ Nix, dad, nix... As I told yer before, I simply shake yer. From this tlme forth yer no relation of mine,” and Shorty turned calmly away. The old man was paralyzed eyen more than before. Nobody appeared to believe what he sald, whatever he a ht say, and on the contrary everybody was down m. A He was a bigamist to all intents and purposes until he could prove to the contrary. 2 But when they saw his “ personal’? in the Herald, together with the reward he had offered, he felt confi- dent that he would be acquitted. Bint ofaneeeet ant in spite o could say or do, neit! hi or the Kid would listen to him When he eatntecn to explain matters. - : They would drink with him when he ordered things up, but when he attempted, on the of it,.to make friends with them, and to convince them that the whole thing was a fraud, and evidently a blac’ job, they turned away and refused to n to him. After staying there for an hour or so, they ordered their teams, and started for home. On the way, of coulda get any specd ut of his bores ant he wag out o 2 was feeling so good when he left the hotel that he did not hear the laugh that the spectators let off as they “*Come on!’? shouted Shorty, holding in his team. “ What's ther matter with very } ; ee ph called the Kid, “I thought there was some goin datole crow?’ - ia “Oh, that’s all right. G’lang!? whooped the old man, cutting his horse with the whip. : pone beast couldn’t go any faster, and it made m mad, : He noticed that people whom he passed wore broad and now and then some one would loud and give him a yell, and yet he supposed that it was|durance, - been to put in a “Personal”? for the woman whom he. attempted to | respo: (=e only because he was trying to get ahead of Shorty’s ‘eam. ete cote polioeee rode up alongside — Finally a mounted of him, laughing as he did so. Say, pop, what er yer in’ ter do?” a What business is that of yours? G’lang!” and he gave his nag another dose of long cuts. ; “But, say——" j “Shut up, or I’ll report you.’?. 4 “Ha, ha! But, say, what’s the matter with yer — wheel?” asked the policeman. a: “Eh, what?” he asked, pulling up. “Gota drag, eh?” fi ‘What is that you say ?”? ‘<3 The policeman pointed to the hind wheel of the ola man’s wagon. ee He took a look at it himself, and as he did so he ~ heard a shout of laughter from Shorty and the Kid, ~ who were only a few rods in advance. Somebody had tied the wheel, and all the way from — Judge Smith’s it had been sli , Which accounted — for his not being able to get up the usual amount of “What is it?’? he asked, somewhat confused. “Tied? & “ in sick,” said he, shaking his fist at the laughing ers, ee Laughing, the policeman cut the rope that had tled | the wheel so long. io Cis “ Now you are all right.’? fa bee 4, but just watch and see me make those ~ fellows sick,” said he, drawing up his lines and hand- cere policeman a dollar.”” mce more free, and bein: on But it was one thing to go for Shorty’s team and another to overtake it, for he pulled the ribbons over as ae sees ef trotters as pranced over theroad. r wing until they reached the entrance tothe — se Shorty pulled up and allowed him tocomeé up . ry ‘4 id. : \ “You chaps think you are ve don’t you?? he called to them. z nonce y “What's ther matter with yer now ?”” “You tied my wheel.’’ “What! we tied nothing,” ye Shorty. * Git out?” seg os Ki Pp **You tied my Ww “Oh, you tied yourself with cham.” “No, sir, I drank scarcely anything.” Foie oe “Then why didn’t yer see dat yer wheel was tied shouted the Kid. ed “How could I know?” : BY patie), “Course yer couldn’t. Too budgy.” pes, 2” ke. 4 Why, : Meek _ “@lang?? shouted Shorty, and his horses darted — away like.a streak of wind, leaving the old man far behind and utterly unanswered. eee This conduct on the part of his sons was quite as exasperating as any that had been tormenting him since the racket begun. «2s For a moment he was confused and stunned, and | during that moment Shorty turned into another iat ; frre was left alone to make his way home as besthe ~ cou ; SioHSe By a shorter route the two jokers reached home at si fifteen minutes ahead of him, but they left wo “Going into the house, he found the same sta’ affairs. The parlor was dark, although he had nevi known it to be so before, and when he went to chamber, he found it also dark, and got no respo’ to his repeated raps. ra He was still locked out. : } see Then he tried Shorty’s room, bound, to have son spans but there he found the door locked nobody to exchange a word with. “Oh, shutup! I understand it. It was a good I Cs 3 that, but how abort this other racket at f ane f this bigamy business.” ‘Almost broken-hearted he sought the chamber o: finally he called: Kid and his wife. ey He rapped two or three times without receiving * Charley! let me in.” ; ** Who’s there?” asked the Kid. 3 re ac erintane erat “Yer no grandpop 0 nae z “What is that you say?” © 4 db !” cried his wife. “Say, Charley, letmein.” x i “Nix, no bigin mine.” Pe * But | want to s| to eat ; “No good. Git, I won’t have it’? < “Go to your lawful wife!” cried the Kid’s wife. “But she refuses to admit me.’? . 5 “Nonsense, Go try her,” Rahs -*] have.’ 4 “Go try Amanda,’ said Caddy. ae ; “Oh. jam Amanda! This business is out; ¥ won't have any more of it,” sald he, vexed beyond em
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_ “Go sheot yerself an’ spare der honor of der fam,” - cried the Kid, ves This made him feel almost like doing it, and re- » Juctantly he turned away. = But what the deuce was he to do if he did not shoot himself? 4 3 e3 ‘He was shut out everywhere; and after roaming “around the house for quite a while, he finally took 4p with a spare room ald went to bed, a broken-up nd disgusted man. * He slept but little that night, all the while thinking | Herald it would quiet them and make him solid again. But he did not know, of course, of the racket that Shorty had put up on him; and when breakfast-time ! ea i mh Mi i au | i E ihe ih | i } Shut up, you infernal idiot! hen he expected to meet the family in the Ining-room, he found that breakfast had been ordered thelr TOOT. As for him, he took his in the kitchen, greatly to the ment of Bridget. o @ might have gone outside after it, but he was d to stay in the house now until this business was ynrse, the conspirators saw the cards he had shed, and were only waiting for ten o’clock to - Kept Ginger running from one room to another ‘Awith messages, but he brought back no satisfaction ‘What did Charley say?’ he asked, as Ginger re- burned from his chamber. “He tole me fo’ ter tole yer to go buy a piece ob pe an’ hang youself,” replied Ginger, with a wide sir, I guess not! I own this house, and I how conclude that I shall stay here just as Jong Go back and tell both Shorty and the Kid ie come down here I will spank rage. wer only turned away to laugh and attend to while the old man went out on the back o smoke a cigar. : ime things were working. : Moments before ten o'clock the bell rang, and pping Dutch woman inquired for Mrs. Josiah er had. received his orders, and so he promptly a her into the parlor and notified the et soi down at once, and Mrs. Burwick sent +S ‘that when the family saw his cards in the morning | oe Tene. See Te Ginger to call the eld man, while Shorty talked to the Dutch woman. - : , That troubled husband came inguiringly into the parlor, looking from one to another, and finally at the stranger. - : Every one-wore a sober face. Angelina was the first one to speak. “Woman, said she, addressing the stranger, ‘* be: good enough 'to tell us your name!” “It vos Amanda Burwick,” said she, in a tip-top Dutch style. The oid man staggered back speechless. * Are you related to any one here?’ ; “Vell, should schmile somedimes bond dot,” she replied. vith How dare you ery for me?” and by ‘this time he so completely lost his temper, that he cau the table and continued to hurl them at the poor varkey, until there was scarcely amything left on the table, and the pantry where he stood was filled with ruin. “Do you recognize that old party?” she asked, pointing to the old man. “T should schmile some more if I did nod. He vos my olt man.’? “Your husband ?” “Yaw.” “Ha, ha! ho, hol? by the company. ~ . “It's a lie, a confounded lie! paver saw you be- fore in my life" roared the old man, recovering him- self and rushing forward. “Easy now, Sojiah, don’d get yer shird off,” said she, waving her hand up and down, calmly, “I tell you that you are an impostor!” Ye “Too old man, too thin,” said they all. “Nothing of the kind; this woman isa fraud,” sald he, turning upon them. “Sojiah,” said she, again turning the name, Josiah, * dot vos blayed owit, You know dot you vos mine huspant all der vile.” “You lie, woman, you Iie!” , “ Sdop aliddle or Il wunch you'on der snood ‘like I used ter do somedimes,”” d she, rising angrily, at which the others laughed heartily. The woman was at least two heads taller than he was, and looked as though perfectly able to turn lum over her knee and spank him, and as she approached him he weakened. » : “But, my dear woman, you ar¢é laboring under a mistake,” said he, a trife calmer. : “ Dot vos a lie! I vos laborin’ in a saloon for monish ter bay mine rent.*’ ; - “But you are mistaken about my being your hus- » he protested. £2 : “TL bade you nod.” i “Shamé on you, shame!’ cried Shorty’s wife. “Oh, take your wife and go live with her,” sald Angelina, gmantly, ~ aE te SEES ‘ Pos ~ THE SHORTYS MARRIED AND SETTLED DOWN. “© Oh, Angie, don't talk that way! I swear to you that I never saw this woman before in my life,”” said he, earnestly. ~ + Ss “Too thin, ole man, too thin!” cried Shorty, and the others re-echoed it. * Not a bit ofit,;woman. Where do you say I married you? he demanded, turning upon her. | ©“ Owid in dot Frisco,”’ said she, at which there arose a derisive laugh. “In San Francisco?” “ Yaw.” - “That's it, She’s got you, dad,” cried Shorty. “Not much. How long ago wasit?? ““Aboud den year.” “That’s it; you were there then.?? ““] bade you he vos, and so vos I. Bud he rund avay ARTA a Gas UNS Wey: ht up the dishes from — aboud me, und I could nix fint him novers puddy quick, and so I come for dot Ni Yark und go me to vork.’’ “Shame! shame!’? “] tell you it is falsé. Here, Ginger, go fora police- — man!” he called, “If you call in an oMer! shall give you into custody on a charge of bigamy,’’ said Angie, his wife, looking savagely at him. ““What!"’ “T mean it.” “Oh, let him send for an officer if he wants to, for he deserves all he can get,’ said Shorty’s wife. “But, I tell you, it is all a mistake; a vile fraud. T was never married to this woman in the world, and, if she says so, she either lies willfully, or is mistaken. Bring on your proot” : : “Dot vos allrighd. I dake She owit of dot Frisco und show you der dominie dot make us man und wife,’ said the woman, : “T dare you to do it.” * Come on!’ “Yes, go,” said his wife. x “ Cert,” added Shorty and the Kid. “What! go out to San Francisco on such a wild- goose chase as that? You must think I am a foolv? “Oh, you are afraid to gol”" - : _ “Yes, base man, you are afraid to go!” “No, [am not.” “Then why don’t you go?’’ “ Because I know that there is no truth in it.’? © mle why don’t yer support der ole gal?’ asked the “Oh, you shut up.” — sh AER Spl aie “ Yes, take her away, and live with her.” “Never! She isa humbug.” Pe a ke
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THE SHORTYS MARRIED AND SETTLED DOWN. “I bade you dot you vas dothumpug. Bud I vants } have no objections,” said Angie, offering him both her nodings to do mit you.’ “Well, I should say not, because you have no right to do s0.” “You may hafe him,’ said she, turning to An- lina. eee No, thank you; he belongs to you, and I want noth- ing further to do with him.’? “0 ie!’ he moaned. , “Don’t oh me, sir. Go to your wife.” “She is not my wife.” “ Holt on liddile, I fix dot all righd,’’ said the woman. “ Gife me ane und I say no more dings aboud id. Igife youu a Gontond you! What right haye you to give me mn a) | } AY tp Z tj Gr ZY a he Gi, y j “ All righd; den I gife you ub some odder vays mit der bolice.’? . “Oh, take him away with you, woman,” said Angie, Sweeping from the room. “Yes, take him away,’? added Shorty’s wife, follow- ing her indignantly. “Lug him out; we’re done with him,” said Shorty, leaving them. “Oh, bounce him!’? sneered the Kid, following the example of the others, and leaving the old man an the woman alone. ~~ The thought that this might be a blackmailing jot and that fifty dollars would buy the woman off, struck * the old man, and the moment they were left alone he asked her if she would accept fifty dollars and clear out, after admitting to his wife that she was mistaken, and she quickly agreed to it, Outcame the old man’s ket-book, and from it a fifty-dollar bill, which he ded to her, a: : The conspirators returned just in e to catch on to the tranmaction and_of course they laughed, “Dot vos all righd. I make me some misdake boud dot. He vos nod mine huspant,’’ said she, at the same time throwing off a bonnet and wig and standing be- fore the party, none other than Gus Williams, the well- compe old moat Srne k in surprise. e man start: Cc “Gus Williams!” he exclaimed, and then a chorus - of laughter arose that made the walls ring. ¢ “Sold nm nt 2 [ll take that thousand dollars, dad,’’ said Shorty, offering his hand. * What thousand dollars?” / : aes Gf oad = pas that I wouldn’t play a seil on yer. , how's for ‘ . Zand I take that new sik dress, if you “ It's a tie—a confounted tie! -I never saw you before in tay life? roared the otd Sojiah; don’d get yer shird off,” said she, waving her hand up and down, hands and laughing pelt te The others approached him, laughing, “Sold, by thunder!” exclaimed the old man, finally tumbling to the racket. “Well, I should say so!’? CHAPTER ,XUL A MERRY feast followed the bigamy racket, which the family, assisted by Gus Williams, as a Dutch wo- man claiming to be the wife of the old man, you may well believe. “It was rather a hard pill for him to down, but when he found that his. wife was one of the conspirators, “Too thin, old man, too thin,” said they all, and had so artfully won from tim a silk dress on the bet, he finally braced up and joined in the laugh. It was a big sell, as the reader will remember, and caused the old fellow much sorrow and anxiety. And added to that, the story got out among his friends. and fi it did seem that he would never get done treating on account of it, as he invariably did whenever anybody asked him how his California Dutch wife was. But of course nobody enjoyed it so much as did d | Shorty and the Kid. They grew fac on such rackets as that, “‘Now I hope you fellows are satisfied, and that you will let me alone,” said the old man, one day. “Yes, we're done, that is, if you don’t forget and try a nyse oon re ee Shorty, ’ “Confound you and your snaps! I want hing more to do with them,?”> dey ne “I guess you may as well give up the practical eens business, pop,’? said his wife, laughing merrily | s “Yes, my son, it is very naughty,” put in Shorty’s wife, “especially when you get ane iro of it. se Pay he, almost invariably does,” added the Kid's wife. “But you see they are two’ to one against me,” re- plied the old man,'who in the face of last and worst that had ever been ‘played on him, could not bear to admit a he could not work a practical joke as well as anybody. : “And for that reason, if for tio other, you should not Bive them & chance to get-even with you, my son. ; ; . < Well, they have got to mind their business ifT do e? AS ek ; Tie “And of course they will.” “But, soy, how "bout those dishes?” asked Shorty. : man, recoveri: “e calmly. “1 And so he cudgeled alone, hoping fo think “And how ‘bout Ginge?’? asked the Kid, and them they all laughed. is This was while they were seated at the dinner table ~ oe SEs Ss Jones stood behind them, grinning: ” ugely. “What about Ginge?” he asked, finally. “Why, he is almost as badly broken as the breakfast dishes were,” said Shorty’s wife. ts The old man turned around and took a look at the. darkey. It was a comical picture. . : “Did I hurt you, Ginger?” he asked. “Golly, boss, you nearly broke me all up.” “What did I do?’ “You pelted me with dishes, sal.” “Oh. 1 did, eh?? - “ Neber seen nuffin like it, sah.” Wg SS imself and rushing forward. « you that you are an impostor !” Easy now “An! not aia rat used to being pelted with dishes, “No, sah; it war my fust experience in de capacil om target,” he replied, while a grin overspread’ i ** Well, I am sorry if I hurt ‘ou, bat I was crazy ; the time, and of course not Tésponsible for what ld But you must lay the blame to these boys of m Ginger.” freee ee sab.” “And here is a dollar for you.” “ Thank you, sah.” x “Soy, let me pelt yer with dishes if Pll give dollar ?* asked Biorty: : e *K “No, sah; I'd rather be excused if it don’t make difference to you, sah.” az. eyer. did play back a trick should know of it.
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22 THE SHORTYS MARRIED AND SETTLED DOWN. “Well, it served him perfectly right, anyhow,” was the verdict of the ladies. This verdict, however, made poor Ginger feel even sicker than his punishment did, for he had expected to bt Poe of the laugh which Shorty and the Kid were 2 But not a thing could he think of that had not been “ried by them at different times, and so the time wore Then she pounced upon him, and in Jess than two minutes he was a sight to behold. Of course he yelled murder and tried to get away, but she was 6n top, and was Strong enough to keep Tire etre panei, | * pleasantly away. there until she got satisfaction. receive the sympathy of the family, and now he was ’ Indeed, neither Shorty nor the Kid put up any jobs ““Stroike me, will yees, yer black spalpeen |’ she | anxious to follow the old man’s instructions and zet + on anybody for quite a while, and as the weather was | would exclaim every time she pasted him. out of sight. ; 2x ly fine they were out with their teams near-|_ “Holeon! Luff me up! Stop it, I tole yer! De} ButShorty had nonotion oflosing him, for there wag » dy every day, leaving the house and its management | boss tole me fo’ ter hit yer “he cried. more fun in.-him yet. to Ginger Jones. “He did, hey? Well, there’s one Zor the boss,’ she! In about fifteen minutes the Kid returned in com- responsibility made the darkey feel. very big, | replied, pests him again. pany with a photographer, who had brought his in- andthe way he bossed the servants around was a| “Police! urder!? struments along, greatly to the surprise of Ginger. “I'll give yees all the muxéher yees wants,” she re- pied. at then springing away from him ‘she seized the whip. She went for him with it, as though to polish off the rougher work she had put upon him with her fists. Just as quickly as he could, you bet he got up and dusted out of:that kitchen. But she hadn’t got satisfaction yer for she followed him up-stairs, cutting him with the w! Pp as fast as she oonnally he managed to d lock , however, he escape and loc’ himself into the sitting-room. “Ah ! yer bloody, vin’ nagar yer! I wonder fut yees think now about hittin’ me wid a whip? Whoop! Come out for some more !"? she called, and to make AA he heard her, she pounded savagely upon ie door. ‘caution to coons. But there was’one of them that he conldn’t boss, and Shale the cook, Bridget, although he wanted to very m 1 “Bad luck ter yer black skin,’ she would say, “it’s best yer don’t come near me wid ony av yer bossin’.’? who looked at the camera with all the ores he had, not knowing what the deuce it was for, anyhow. “Come, Ginger, we’re going ter have yer photo,’? said Shorty. * Great golly, boss!’’ “ Oh, that’s all right; you can make a plenty ofmon- by sellin’ *em.’* “Bunnell will buy one, sure pop.’”? Ginger made a faint protest, but before he knew it almost they had him in a chair and posed for a piet- ure. The photographer could scarcely keep a 'sober face while he worked, but he succeeded the first time—suc page in getting the mug of the homeliest coon ve. But one would not satisfy Shorty. and so he kad him taken in another position, a side view, which made bs co i] si tat § S 5 g is | ‘S " plained to Shorty about the impudence she gave him. “Why don’t yer put a head on her?’ asked Shorty, rT. tooking sober. But he probably declined her invitation with thanks, | him look even worse, ifsuch a thing was possible, “T can’t do it, sah.” or at least he was thankful for getting away from her. Well, after he had submitted to , he was allowed “Is she too many for yer?” He didn’t want any more ; he was entirely satisfied | to go to his room, where he remained for three days with what she had given him, so he made no answer, and she turned to explain the matter to her fellow Servants, who had gathered to learn the cause of the ruction. Their verdict was thatit served poe Jone Seats for when the withont showing up, during which time he had made up his mind not to attempt in the future to do much Those photographs were curiosities, A stranger to the facts would have been puzzled to make out what YE ces yes, boee,”: sald he, shaking his head and yy : SS Bernesoees Don’t never give in ter a gal.”” * But sposen yer can’t help it, boss ?"? f “Yer can if yer’ve got any’pluck.” = How ?”? they all hated him because he bossed them the deuce it represented anyway. Shorty made me @ © au ite vs yer any ofter i, jugs bar's ow | ur dat was geat tow to his tyranny, and | Beto Sof em shoray aera and a & i ’ if 3) ves yer any 0: , vi Ww was a A - | curios A ), “Go ter ther divily’ said she, and then began fosing| ‘‘And you attempted it, did you?” without reaching the limit of realities even then. fouder than before. Ginger nodded, uate mere i : z wept from this comical £00 pewpeering complica- Tae ’ “It served you just rig! ea of your striking | tion they were three as happy ers as ever were : , Se raanr men eee T jas’ go down‘ dar to & woman with &@ whip seen anywhere, The babies were not unlike other babies, being full as handsome and quite as red, and when Shorty said that nari all three looked like chunks of rare roast beef with fists and eyes and any Sra of dimity, he truth. than newly-born babies, although it js always hard to make mothers See them 'in that light. Yes, it serves him just right,’’ said Angie. = Only he didn’t get all he deserved,’ added the Kid's wife. . “ But he tole me to,” protested Ginger. “And I suppose if he had told you to put your head in the fire yon would have done it?” “T allus ‘beys orders, mam.” “Well, I guess you won't attempt to horsewhip the cook — right away, will you, even if he does tell you tor” A sickly grin overspread his face. “And so this is one of your rackets, is it?’ asked the old man, addressin Shorty, f “Me? “Nixy: He told me not long ago that she to mind him when he was in charge of the she- bang. an’ I told him to give her a pore etree But I didn’t think he was fool enough ter try 1t on,* replied Shorty. “Well, itappears he did. Go and get out of sight somewhere,”? : “Hold on, dad, !wanthim, Here, Kiddy,” and turn- ing to his son he whispered a few words to him, and he started from the house an $ “What do you want of him, I'd like to know ?”? “TI want ter sell him.”? fs a what for?” asked his ates A n ~ n cab geta good price.for him for a sign for a meat shop.. But that’s all right, Ginge. You “Yer will, hoy? Well, just yees come down an’ try The aa tite Shale: pl and he re was ump ou now Must meet it at oncejor not at ai x ee whip and went down into the was. visitors and anxious servanfs appeared to have full possession of it, while the smell of different sorts of medicine greeted ‘the nostrils of all who came within a long distance of it. It was too much for Shorty and the Kid, and go t' kept away from the house for the most part, an spent their time out on the road or anywhere else that felt inclined to go, although the old man hung around like a delighted boy. Of course they received any number of congratula- tions wheu the thing became known. Indeed, Shorty and the Kid received any ea than they cared — with every congratulation there was a laugh a bottle of wine, together with the bewildering conun- drum—“ What are your reiationships now?" This of course became a t bore, and they finally ever having gone into the iness at all, for however funny it might have been a’ first, it gradual- ly ceased to be so after they had received a few hun- of these Shs Peete and qtestions, “I'm sick,” id Shorty one day. “They'll drive ther house.”? “Whe oor before his heets dia : replied Shorty, laughing. “Me, too,” replied the Kid, sadly, eares a snap fut yer want?’ | she asked, placing her arms akimbo and facing him got to mind me when I tells you to doa . . You heah me?” a luck ter yer. Who be you onyway?” >. “Ps in cha Nee ranere no_eweryDody’s (Boo fox + Inind me,” said he, displaying the whip. i: But’s that ye so *,
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upon the bed, from which six littles legs Dp! and three sm _ THE SHORTYS MARRIED AND SETTLED DOWN. ER ET SSN AEN A SS OS eA A aS a TT SS NE SE ES EEE EE SSI ee “But ther old man likes it. He’s growin’ young over it, an’ I’m growin’ old.” . “Why, it’s just ole nuts for him; an’ what der yer think he wants now?’ “ Another one? anes ter have ther Mids get married?” “No. ther kids.” “ What?’ “ An’ git a magicianer or one of ‘dem coves as is good at figers ter work out der relationship for der 2 amusement of der company. “Oh, he’s 4a mine,”’ replied Shorty. “*My belly’s full.’ “We'll have ter chin him out ofit,’? Shorty said, af- ter thinking the matter over awhile.’? But the thing couldn’t be done. The old man was @s delighted as a child with a new toy, and cared nota snap for what people said. On the contrary, now that the laugh was up and he he felt just like making the most of it, e whole thing to the world, and on this account he had set his mind ‘upon having a reception swas in for i and giving after the babies were old enough to christen. Indeed, the proud and happy mothers were inclined the same way, #0 what.Shorty and the Kid had to say in opposition to it made little or no difference. “Oh, I think it would be nice,” said Sho tame up. “So do L” “* And I,?? said the other wives. “Oh, it would be bully,’”? sneered Shorty. “Of course it would,” contended the old “Yes, for show biz,’’ suggested the Kid. “Yes, if we wanted ter hire ter some of ther side Ts, as ther wonderful crooked family. But show ma) we ain’t on that racket now.” = Henor ane ? asked Angelina, blushing. m. the world ?? asked A: us . oe Certain! ; : ? “Well, T don't s’pose 3 boil can be helped, but it’s snide taste ter call attention to it,#? replied Shorty. “Oh, let’s show our boils!” added the Kid. ~ “Charley, I am surprised at you,” said his wife, Jooking reproachfully at him. a Sa mn prised: at myself”? ~ “Very little you think of your boy, I guess,’? sald “Yes, your doil,’’ adaed his wife, “Oh, he's as good as they make ’em; but what I’m Kickin’ *bout is puttin’ him on show.” “Why, any proud father would only be too glad to do such athing. All of our friends are anxious to have us give a reception.” “Cert. They’ll have a chance ter dead-head inona rete Of course they’re anxious,” replied Shorty, tterly. But Shorty and the Kid were in the minority, and ae by aie aay. were mon over to Se eee be ception, which it was finally agreed show! afer the babies were a month old and had n christened. The old man, as before stated, was heart and soul in the business, and went at making preparations for a nd hu: o Short and the Kid would have but little to do with the business. On the contrary, they were playing all sorts of tricks on the babies and their respective nurses whenever they could get a chance. Now these babies not only looked so much alike that it was was hard to tell one from the other, but ing differently, enabled. the nurses and mothers to tell them apart. One day Shorty sn a racket, and contriving to send the nurses down-stairs to their dinners while they took care ofthe babies, they proceeded to change thelr outer garments so as to mix them up personally almost as much as they were mixed up in relation- shi The mothers visited the nursery soon afterwards, but never suspected pet ye wrong at first, while Shorty and the Kid lit ou Presently, however, Shorty’s wife remarked: ““T wonder what can be the matter with my little one—he don't acta phen etrt and he don’t seem mearso heavy as usual “And mite doesn’t act natural—but I certainly think he is heavier than usual,” remarked the Kid’s wife, who in reality had the old man’s son, — “ Mine does not acta bit natural. It must be that we have got them mixed,” said Angie, looking at her kid. se le, Yours wears red ribbons, mine blue, and Gpiiy's Yiolet—that’s all right,” sald Shorty’s wife, looking from one to the other. «But Pam sure there is something wrong.” ie it, too.’? «Mere Pnereyi os then they all started up to make a closer examination. Each one wore the right colors, but yet their Tespect- ive babies did not seem right. The mothers’ instinct was sadly bothered. 7 “Ohi? Caddy finally screamed. “What?” asked the alarmed other two. ** Shorty and the Kid!’ “ What of them?” “ They were here!”? on be hanged the ribbons!” “They ma. ye c the. ls es erey!¥ "and all three of the anxious mothers >? tit hasty examination of the different suits of un- lothes. For an instant there were three bundles of dimi' rotrud othered eries were about all that could Deiseen or heard of the babies, as the alarmed moth- _ @rs proceeded with their anxious investigations, Or does he want ter live long Wants ter have a grand reception in honor of got’em bad. ButIdon’t want any of it rty’s wife, one evening at the dinner table, where the subject so whatis the use of keep- Then Shorty’s wife rang the bell violently for the nurses, who came hurrying up-stairs, while the con- fused mothers began to cry and to make matters worse allaround. But the nurses could throw no light pon the sub- ject. They had always distinguished the babies by the color of the ribbons they wore in the sleeves of their dresses, and there was so little difference in the weight of all three that it could scarcely be told. Almost wild with anxiety, Shorty’s wife went in search of the rogues, but they were nowhere to be found of course, and then she nearly paralyzed the old man by sobbingly informing him of the case. He followed her up-stairs where the mixed babies and mixed opinions were, but he was as badly mixed as any of them. : “Those rascals ought to be murdered!” he finally exclaimed. ‘The idea that I cannot tell my son from their sons!” “It is infamous!” “It's a shame, and I have a great mind never to kK to Charley again as long as he lives,” said OB t Want wots d %? thi “But w. to one??? they tearfully asked, as they upon the three kids. uf ‘Ob, let me find the rascals!? cried the old man, rushing wildly from the room. { He meant business now, and no mistake. Had he found them there can be little doubt but that he would have laid violent hands upon the incorrigible jokers, But he met Ginger Jones first. ** Where are those rascals?” he demanded so hotly that Ginger was startled. ‘* Wh—who, boss ?”? _ “Shorty and the Kid.” “T gibs it up, boss. Las’ time I seen ’°em was out to de stable.” “Go and see if they are there, and if they are, kick them both into the house, where I can get my ds upon theama!?? Ginger obeyed, but did not have the pleasure of eiCkiUe, them into the house, for they had gone out to ees " Then the old man was even more furious, and told Ginger what tey had done. > “But I say, boss, can’t yer tole ‘em apart by de weight?” ; “ ne? - “ cP weighed all free ob “em de day ahead ob yes- “Ah! so I did, so I djd! Good, good! I have it, I have it!’ he exclaimed, dancing around like a delight. ed boy. “Go and get me the steelyards, quick!” and as Ging-r flew to obey, he took out a memorandum- book in which he had entered the weight of the babi it being customary with him to weigh them about arse i week and ns the result. e flew ae 7 wo steps at a time, yelling at the top of his voice: “I’ve got it! I’ve got it?) closely fol- lowed by Ginger with the weighing scales. Bursting into the room he found that the nurses had stripped the kids to see if it was possible to solve the mystery by any marks. But neither ofthem had any strawberry or other fruit marks, and all were on the vem tie it)" cried th 1d fally, ss X it,’ c the old man, glee: , and in the course of five minutes he did so to the entire satisfac- wtb lg ly we’ & pound and a quarter more than Shorty’s weighed a half by any manner of means, and they got in f three ofthe wives and the'old man -f ne for them” = Of course they denied doing anything of the kind, but no one believed them. “ Well, soy, get a stencil plate an’ mark ki why don’t yer ?”” asked Shorty. ob tera “You ought to be ashamed of yourselves,” was the reply they all gave him. “’m goin*ter have a strawberry sewed on ter my kid's left arm. Dat’s der proper caper. What's a kid good for in this world of romance without a straw- berry mark?’ put in the little rascal. But they failed to raise a laugh, however, for every- a ie Petpet a ee re a whole week ore they again got into the good graces of th wives and the indignant old man. we However, the day of the christening and reception drew near, and seeing thatthey could not vent it, Shorty and the Kid allowed the prepara to be completed, and then took part in the show with the best grace they had about them. There was a great crowd of friends and curious pee ple, and the three happy mothers sat in the reception- room holding their babies, and received the hearty congratulations of all. Then the old man announced that he had employed a celebrated mathematician to figure out the relstion- aig which he would read for the amusement of all curious and interested ones, which he proceeded to do. ([have previously published this curiosity of con- sanguinity, etc., but in order that it may become a part of the story of ‘ The Shortys, Married and Settled Down,” I republish it in this connection.) GEORGE BURWICK (“SHORTY 7"). Shorty is the old man’s son, father-in-law, great- prsnane (because Shorty is his father’s father, he is own grandfather), and great-grandfather; Angie’s step-son, step-father, father-in-law, great-grandson, and great-grandfather; the Kid’s father, father-in-law, |e pig ani and nephew, because he is the Kid’s rother-in-law’s child; Caddie’s step-father, father-in- law, great-grandfather and nephew; to himself heis en and grandfather; to Kate, husband, grand- ther and grandson; to his own son, by Kate, he ig father, great-grandfather, and nephew, because ha Would be nephew to his step-mother’s brother; to the old man’s son, by Angie, he is half-brother, father, and grand-nephew, because Shorty’s brother is uncle to Shorty’s daughter, and great-uncle to Shorty’s mother; to the Kid’s son she is grandmother, great- great-grandmother and cousin. ; OLD MR. BURWICK’S RELATIONS. The old man is his own grandfather and grandso also his own great-grandfather and grea tarandeend , he is Shorty’s father, son-in-law, great-grandfather, and great-grandson; to Kate he is son-in-law, father- in-law, great-grandfather, and great grandson; to the — Kid, brother-in-law, grandfather, and great-great- ndfather; to Caddie, heis grandfather. t-grand- oe feet ees to his own wife he is grand- grandson, an t-grandfather and grea! grandson; to his own child. e fe is gr & great-grandfather, cle; the old man’s t at; ndfather, and un- rey tater D i mo she is by Kate, e is other, t-gran Kid’s ghild she is grandmother, ,great-great-grand- mother, and aunt. 2S rie CHARLEY BURWICK (THE “ KID”). rd father’s brother and ; h> is uncle to his sister’s child; to Shorty’s child he is half-brother, brother-in-law, grandson, and great+ uncle, as he is umcle to Shorty, and grand-nephew; Shorty’s child he is half-brother, grandson, and great. uncle; to his own child he is great dfather and Second cousin, because the Kid’s child aunt, grandmother, and granddaughter; she bea) the same relations to her husband, and is also her step- sister; she is Shorty’s step-daughter, daughter-in-law, ‘a granddaughter, great-great-granddaughter, sister-in- law, and great-auut; she is her mother’s danghter-in. law, aunt, and great-granddaughter; she Is Angié’s sister, granddaughter, great-granddaughter, and great. aunt; tothe old man’s son by Angie is niece and aunt; to Skorty’s child she is sister-in-law, grand- daughter, and great-aunt; to her own child she great-grandmother and id cousin. . THE CHILD OF EACH, a Their relationships to wives have already been 3 tionships to one another Shorty’ nephew and uncle to is uncle and nephew to himself; to the Kid’s son uncle and nephew, so he must be his own nephew and uncle. The old man’s son is nephew and uncle | Shorty’s son, and cousin and uncle to the Kid’s son; the Kid’s son is the old man’s son’s nephew and. cousin and grand-nephew and Shorty’s son’s nephew and uncle, ‘eg Tere Well, boys how is this for high? é a : Cut it ont and paste it in the top of your hats, aml when you yo it to get dizzy and haven’t got any company who extraordinary ae ies, and many re- in good eh he er wee reader who has known them so well But, to tell the truth, they did feel a trife more lf sober men than hitherto had, and yet id Srempicknoes Ban t little to do With them one wa
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THE SHORTYS MARRIED AND SETTLED DOWN. _ » Shorty and the Rig got their heads together, --_ .** We won’t have it!"’ said Shorty. : ** Nix!’? replied the Kid, savagely: “We'll have some fun J” “Yer bet!” =) How 2?" - “Pil catch on.” “Telephone me ?’? “ Cert.’ . 4 And with this understanding we will let the curtain : Trop. a . x , CHAPTER XV. ’ WELL, we have got the Shortys married and settled | for that when he went to court. down, sure engugh. _ The babies were christened and they had their | reception, somewhat against the wishes of Shorty and the Kid, but the whole thing was settled, and the . family settled down! » “The Shortys married and settled down!’ It ' deesn’t seem possible, does it? But boys cannot _ always be boys, you bw, and ever since we have been uainted with * three Shortys, they have been no but boys te Os, of course. And yet it would hardly be telling the truth to say that they were tively settled, even thongh they were married. It was ‘true enough ofthe old max, but Shorty and the Kid while they felt a little more le men, did not and could not settle down to save eir . The old man used to talk to them often in this fashion: _ “Now, boys, it is time to stop all nonsense and ‘behave like men. You have’ lived long enough to _ brace rp now, and leave nonsense to people who have ho ¢ ; only stop & moment to think of it. You are both of you parents, and isn’t it time to soberup?” “Nonsense! Wait ‘til I've been a dad as long as you've been, then I'll drop,” replied Shorty, “Yes, when I get ter be a great grand-pop, I'll take tumbie same’s you do,”’ put in the Kid. 7 | “Bunt I tell you it is only right; it is only justice to . s = Hewas even more particular about this now than eee ‘fo know! wae Sates aes ad to mix up again as But be could always teil - 35 . His baby weighed a pound and a quarter more than Shorty weighing them an them | ir by the difference in weight, and never allowed a day to pass without carefully weighing them and keeping a written note of it. It was not far from this time that Shorty, while driv- ing out one day, had the misfortune to run over a man who foolishly attempted to run across the street ahead of his team, The next instant a policeman seized the bridle of his horses and put him under arrest, while the man was hurried to the station-house. It was rough on the poor man, and also rough on Shorty, who was taken directly «0 the police station and locked up.. He wanted to send for his friends, but the officer on duty said no. It would be time enough There was no help for it, and he had to wait there a 8s, and Shorty’s wei for an hour or more before being taken to court, where he was arraigned on the charge of reckless driving and contronted with his victim. P He proved to be a Chinaman. - ve moment their eyes met they recognized each other. “ What! Ho Sham?’ exclaimed Shorty. “Oh! Slorty—Slorty—Slorty! Allie yitie—me no skleal,”’? replied the delighted Chinaman, holding out his hand to his old friend. It will be remembered that Ho Sham was the eld man’s body servant during the trip of the Shortys around the world, and it will also be remembered that he was tontinually the victim of Shorty and the Kid, who played all sorts of practical jokes with him. But fortune had evidently made a dead set against him, and he was looking very seedy. “ Why, Ho, old man, did I run over you?” “ Allie yitle, me no care; me allie hunkie doly,”’ ex- claimed he, evidently delighted even at being run over by his little old friend. “ Are yer hurt much?’ “Me no; me jobbie.” “Job? “ Allie yitie; me workie racklet.”’ “What do you mean by working @ racket?” asked Shorty, while the court listened. attentively. *“ Gottie no workie.” “Well?” “ Workle racklet.”* “How? What do you mean?” * Gettie lan lover.” “Get run over’? asked the magistrate, * Allie samie, for shuglar.”* ners does he mean?’ asked the court, addressing “Hang me if I know, yer honor. 10 be m hed a half a pond more than that of the Kid, so by simp consulting his mote-book. he y Be things. if : ed dad’s body servant, but I haven't seen him in a lorg time.” : “But what does he mean by sugar ?’’ “Dll try an? find out, judge. But he doesn’t seem to be broken up much,” said Shorty. looking at Ho Sham, who was capering around as lively as a mouse. “ Me allie hunkly doly,” he kept saying. “Soy, Ho, what's yer racket, anyway?” “Gittie lun lover,” he replied, honestly. “Gotrunover? That isn’t what I mean,? * Gittie lan lover leasy.”” “ Run over easy!” 2 “ So be’? . “Oh; come off, an’ tell us what you mean.” i “No workie.” * “Well?” “No gittie.’”’ “ We babs “ Deadie blust.'” “* Well??? “ Gittie Inn lover, ’ said he, as though that explaine® the whole business, “Get out! What der yer get run over for?” *“ Monae,” he replied in his squeaky voice. “For money?" “ So be’? “Do you catch on, judge?’ Shorty asked, turning te the court. ¥ “No, hang me if] do.” “Soy, how is it, anyway?! said Shorty, catchiag hold of the delighted Chinaman. “ Allie bloke lup,” said he, indicating the condition of his wardrobe.” ‘“* Well, rather rusty.” “No workie.” “Yer said that before.” “ Allie likie tramp.”” “Yes, somewhat. Goon.” “ Gittie lun lover,” said he, as though finally. “ Oh, go to the devil!” So be allie timie.” “But how about money and getting run over?” * Gittie lun lover an’ monie pay.” : “Oh, hol"? exclaimed the court. ** Ab. hal’? chipped in Shorty. “IT tumble,” “J hook on, judge. He makes a business of getting run over for what he can make out of it!’ and both Shorty and the judge laughed heartily, as did thossim the court-room. ; “So be,”’ said Ho Sham, honestly. _ “Judge, that snatches the bun.” “Yes. that takes the cake. I out all the crooked ways of this world, ate, pt ER oo 2 2
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. ete of crooked men, but getting run over for a living beats me; that is entirely new,” said the judge. “That downs yer uncle, judge.” “And yet we Anglo-Saxons claim to be a superior race! We ciaim to be the most ingenious people on earth, and yet I dare be sworn that nobody but a Chi- naman wouldever have thought of getting a living by beingrun over. Mr. Burwick, you are discharged.” “Thank you, judge.’? “But what am Ito do with this—what is his mame ?”? “Ho Sham.” _ “HoSham! Well, he was named all right for his ec at all events. But what shall I do with m?? “Lemme have him, judge,” The momen! “What are you going to do with him? Keep him to practice running over with?” ek Pll send him up for attempting to run over your horses.” “That's it.” “Me no, me no!” “And when they get you ae ou in soak fora king up his pen. ~ “Xo, no, me no Slorty,’’ he said, turning appealing- ty to Shorty. “Well, will you “Pet as S jad but , judge, bu send him ap? “Very weil. Now see that you obey this m don’t, 1’ send you to prison for a year, dge, severely. allie hunklie doly.’? ”? protested the Chinaman. as up at the Penitentiary they month,” said the judge, FO and take a bath?” ” ie yitie'¢ he don’t soak yer may man, for if ” said the “Me “See that you are. Come and see me again, Mr. Burwick, whenever yon run over a man,’ the judge said. as he waved Shorty away. “So I will, judge. Bo long}? and out of the court be rodies” ‘pilowed Eich RR Coane: Soogem Sta ga i vecgaaahun'y t THE SHORTYS MARRIED AN thei es met t recognized each other. I eir ey hey replied the delighted Chinaman, holding out his hand to his old friend, by the grinning Chinaman, who | was delighted at finding him, even if he did get knock- ed down in doing it. = E Shorty laughed as he had had with Ho Sham, and the fun of his present occupation, but taking him to a Russian bath, he did not leave until he saw him put through a cleansing process which goes almost more than skin deep. It nearly took the breath of life out of him, but Shorty keptyelling at the attendants who were put- ting him through not to let up on him a bit, butto give’ it to him the best they knew how. He wore a woe-begone look when they got through with him, but a lar more wholesome one than before. Some Orientals take to the water naturally, but China- men do not. In fact, they take to dirt much more nat- urally than to anything cleansing. he thought of the many rackets > ul iyi x rf 7 + € 4 probably because he wanted t 7 could for his Toney ede aren @ trousers were too short, but what they Inckedin — length they certainly made up in breadth, for they — were awfully baggy, and the coat was so short that peSAxe & fine display of the bagginess of the panta- — Altogether he looked quite as comical ashe would — haye looked in his Oriental togs, but he was satisfied, — and more too. norte ae ta Me Oa Sra © likie ma. ‘ Mpa Pane ie man,” se cried, capers ; “What shall I do with your old clothes?” asked the clerk, smiling at the rusties that he had taken off, and = i eit) } “© What! Ho Sham?” exclaimed Shorty. “Well, how do yer feel now ?”’ asked Shorty. * Allie bloke lup,”? he moaned. * All washed up, yer mean,”? i Chea = at then aliie cole water.” . t's all right, ey oughter put yer in a” bi kettle and biled yer.” “ inated ~ ; = ae jy then chuckie lim cold water, freezie damie legs loff. NOW Bo an get some new togs,’! “Mae nets Hfor, ake New harness. Here, take this money an’ get yera good make-up,” said he, handing him AARy-dollay: bill. ‘Oh, bullie | bullie ? he exclaimed, hopping up and down in his delight, ‘Go get togged out, an’ meet me here as quick as yer can. Want ter take yer home an’show yer ter the ole man; he'll be awful glad ter see yer.” “Me ho, me hi, me hoopla I”? « “Hurry up.’? “Me skippie likie kitty-cat,’? said he, taking the money and starting ata run forthe nearest clothing ore. Shorty watched him out of sight, all the while langh- ing at the sport he hoped to have. To say that Ho Sham was a delighted Chinaman wand only be putting it mildly, for he was more than When he had selected and put on a new suit of clothes, he began to caper about the store, to the de- light of the clerks who had been piping him off ever since he entered, and as for the clothes themselves, perme have fitted anybody quite as well as they The clerk who waited upon him wanted to sell him something that fitted him better, but no. He bad his own ideas of how clothes ought to fit, as every China- man has, and-so he got them all a mile too big for * Oh! Slorty—Slorty! Allie yilie—me no skieal,” calculating whether an Italian rag-picker would no- tice them if he should throw them into the street. | “Me no clare. Glive to poor man,’ replied Ho Sham, loftily. . “Well, I’m afraid I shan’t be able to find iy heat poor enough to accept them. Are you sure tllere is no money left in the pockets ?” LA ny “No, me plick allie lout. Me no clussie foolie, hop, he replied, and then paying for the new clothes, he tripped out of the store amid a roar of waughter by the — clerks, and started away to jein Shorty. r ; The joker was waiting for him with another laugh, although Ho Sham had no idea what he was lau ning at, but had Shorty picked out the elothes himself he couldn't have been more pleased with the way the. fitted him. 3 But in order to complete the outfit, he had to have a pair of wooden shoes and a new php tak. and these were speedily procured, after which S to a picture gallery and had a tin-type ma Ihave a copy of it in my possession, and purbory who wishes to see one of the most comi pi tures out can have the privilege of doing so. a8 Well, after Shorty had got him fixed up to suit his: taste, he proceeded to take him home with him, al- though he kept him out of sight at first, resolving 02 & little surprise. 2 : Sati So he put him into the parkrand went in search of the old man and the Kid, at the same time teHing him — what he was going to do, and how he wanted to behave. ‘ : i come down-stsirs and see the new “New coachman! W got,”? said he ea teh , whatails Peter?” demand ed the old man in surprise. age et “Pete, he’s goin’ ter skin out.’? “What for?” “Soy, lads, coachman I’ve
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af « Goin’ ter marry inter ther Astor family; a replied Shorty, winking at the Kid... “What nonsense is this?” ‘Nix. But I’ve tag a bully boy for ther ‘place, so come down and see him. “* Where is he?” . “In the parlor.” ‘ _ “What! a coachman in the parior #*” “Cert, It won’t make him proud.” “What an absurdity,’ replied the old man, laying down his paper and following Shorty and the Kid down-stairs. _ Reaching the parlor door Shorty threw it open, and _ there stood Ho Shamrin the attitude of a dancer, poised 0n one foot and »is.arms above his head. ‘Both the old man and the: Kid started back in sur- prise, for neither of them recognized him at first. * What is it??? asked the Kid. “Makie two likie this flor klorter,” said Ho, after a Tne paescid silence. Shorty roared, and the puzzled old man went nearer to the range being in the awfally-fitting clothes and new ane feo be?” he asked, holding out his old master. _ ttie you allie timie.” ell, Vu peat hanged!” Where did you come from, sake? e allie hankile doly; me gettie lun lover.” “Getrun over!’ - “So be, Slorty. How be?’ he added, whirling him- self around for tion. _“ Goin’ terstart a show, pop?’ asked the Kid. “In the name of ari where did cha get that ae of eure 7, pon delighted runt @ whele adventure, during and posturing before the big, fall-length mir- ntly in love with himself more than ever be- to see him, but what do you pro- him now?’ asked the old man, look- I'm to do wi at Ho. *Me mashee now allee samee likee Bloadlay swel- ee, 7 put in Ho. : Yes, ‘ou do look very much like a masher, that's . a ct i ut what are you going to do with him, Geonre _ “Take him inter ther famil ly.?? ~ “Bnily?* exclaimed the Kid, who evidently saw at _ & glance what fun there could be got out of Ho Sham in ‘connection with the other assortment of servants dyin the house, “ Whatnonsense!”” — mer es t on already.” Heute ten Ginge’s getting round-shouldered Gert chipped iatne id Hi) in “ What arrant nonsense,” protested the old man. Take him back as yer valet.” T don’t want a valet.’ Wi do; I’m actually suffrin’ for a valley,” said _ “ Of course ‘we'll have,’ added Shorty, aside. “Oh, undoubtedly. That was meee x tin getting him into this outlandish him a (of families,” proteste1 the old ea we.must have Ho Sham."* CMe alife hankly doly, allie samie likie nsed to be,” ‘put in Ho, who evidently saw that the old man was ®@ member of the house- Yes, Ipresu me you are; but that is just what I ob- fellows will be at you just as they used. eaten are too big a fool to see it.’ ‘ eee go take a tumble!”’ said Sho: r new factor of fan had entered the ‘Rhorty home! er ay ade Was inclined to resent bis coming, and for Biddy, the cook, she nearly went wild at the pught of a * hathin”’ her fellow sérvant. y “ Luck at him!” she cried. ** What der yencale it ore it?s cooked ?"’ she said to Ginger. « “Miss , ¥don’t like it. It am an insult to ,?? he replied. "yuck at him. Isn't hea comical . CHAPTER XVI our old friend Ho Sham was now a member of : mt reinerer the the outlandish toggery that Shorty got him into before he took home, after running ’ His ridiculous: ana comical appearance caused no end. of laughterramong the other servants and the wives:of the family, but Ho Sham took it all in: good part, actually believing thatit was all on account ofhis good looks and new clothes; indeed, he thought hien- self Simply & Bos and all me women: folks in love withjhim. “He, he, he !? he laughed, as he stood looking at Biddy, the cook, who was convulsed with laughter at his comical appearance; “‘ how be?’? and he whirled around to enable her to ‘get a better look ut his tog- gery, of which he was so proud._ “How be! Fut the blazes do yees mane. by that? she demanded. “Me hi-pi. eh?” seizing the potato-masher, sbe, went for that Orientat masher like a tigress. ‘Wi, ho hippie!” exclaimed Ho Sham, but he only waited long enough to get one tap of that masher, and turning tail, he flew up the basement Stairs as though the ister of the evil one was after him. “Bad manners ter yer! If I iver catch yer down here again, I'll] make a hathin funeral av yees, so I will!” she called after him. Shorty happened to be in the hall as Ho Sham came flying and ae up the kitchen-stairs, frightened half out of his * Hello, nave ‘up? ?” he asked. **Me up, so be,” he replied, with a deal of thankful- ness in his voice, for he evidently was thankfal that he “Hoigh poie! Faix, ’'d say yer hoigh puddin’ by | had ésca: yer looks.”? “Blig giaft, eh 2’ Biddy burst out laughing again. “Me ae doley, bettie you.” “ Begorra, but yer the swatest specimin ay ould Nick that iver I seen.” *““Eh? So be. Me likie you too, he, he, he !’ and he grinned at her from ear to ear. “Yer loike me/ Well, then, the loikin’s all on wan side, so it is. Where did ther boss foind yer any way?’ ““Uppie townie.” “Oh, he did, hoy? I didn’t know but that he got yees out ava museum. But sure an’ they wouldn’t part wid such a great curiosity as ye are, I guess,” “Me olie timie, so be.’? “Old Timie. Is that what your name is?” *So Me one bloys, allie samie likie Melican man. Me hi ho hoopla!” and he danced a few steps on the kitchen floor. “*Howly Moses! Sure it can dance}? “*Me onie glang, 80 be.”? “Troth, I shud soy yees war wan ay ther gang, but ‘yee it wud puzzle an alderman ter tell what gang was, **Me workie flor olie manie heap while.*? An’ fat’s that 2°” “*Me olie man slervant allie while go lound world. Have muchie glood*timie. Ohe man lun lover in streetie Inn takie backie allie slame makie bloss of housie, so be.” “Make yer ther boss ay ther house? Begorra, we'll see about that. Ho, Ginger. vome down here a bit,” she called. “Havie glood timie likie damie. Me makie lovie to Tu, lu makie lovie to me—he, he, he!”? and he laughed and danced Gayo Ginger Jon frowning and indignant at the intro- duction of the Chinaman into the household, entered the room at this moment. “Der yer moind it, Ginger?” asked Biddy, pointing to HoSham. “Sure it can dance.” “So can monkeys,” replied Ginger. “Me blully bloy, so be.” “*An’ fut der yer think he says?’ “De lord only know, Bridget.” ““He says he’s ter be ther boss av us!”? “De boss!"? exclaimed Ginger. “So be,” replied Ho. “Did you iver hear ther loiks ay that??? *““Mr. Sham, you's too fresh.’ “Me no fleshy now. No good eatie. Have heap now an’ glet fatie allie gioodie,” pepe Ho Sham, gleefully, mistaking Ginger’s word hh? for flesh, and reveling in anticipation of the good things in store urse he is. Besides, dad, only think of the fun | yor him. “Did yees iver hear such jargon, Ginger?’ “Dat am de wuss dat I ever hear. But one thing 1 wants yer to understan’, Mr. Sham, dar’ll somefin drefful happen you if «you come around me wid any of your nonsense,”? he added, turning savagely upon him. ‘sAn’ moind that same from me, bad luck ter yer pig eyes an’ pig tail,’ said Biddy. “ Me allie slolid with bloss.. $0 be.’ > “ Bejabers, but I'll make yees all solid wid the coroner if yer try ter boss me.” ““Me no bloss lu; me makie lovie to lu.”? “Thén, begorra, 1) kilt yer onyhow."* “We must getrid of him, ‘Miss Bridget, or he’ will make trouble," said Ginger! ' “Faith, an’ if I get at him once he'll be moighty glad ter go out av this. So he will. I’l-hang him b' his pig tail, so I will, bad luck ter ther outlandis: 3 ford nant and involuntarily she seized the potato- masher. “Jt am my deliberate opinion, Miss Bridget, dat ne | SHOTEY brupg him beah on purpose fo’ too hab fan airy roight; let him put him ina cage an? have fun wid him, but if he allows him ter run around loose, rm give notice av my acquittance av this place, so I will, an’ I'll tell them so."? * An’ Pl) do de same thing.” said Ginger. '* An’ so wiil all the servants; sure, if they want wan hathin, Jet em getall hathins.” “I agree wid yon mose’ circumlocutionly,’’ said Ginger, with much haughtiners; indeed, that big word Was enough to make him swell up like a turkey-cock. “ Me goodie bloy,”’ protested Ho, who evidently saw Stary he was not a favorite. “Good by!” and Biddy roared loudly. — “So be,’ and then he smiled on her a ravishing, se- ductive Smile that made her clutch at the potato- masher again. “Good for what?’ asked Ginger. — **Rloss waiters,” hé replied, innocently. “Git out! . You'll boss nobody heah, an’ don’t you fo’get it.””.and just then the front doorbell rang, and }Ginger ran up-stairs to answer it, leaving Ho; Sham and Biddy alone together. * What der yer want here?" she asked, savagely. Se “eMakie love to Iu, te, he, hel? “Bad ee ee test at ehlayr she eee and ay aoe Sea eae on eet Mowe ee “What's ther matter?? *Blazie down kitchie,” ** Who, Biddy 2 “So be. “What did she do?” ante Me makie lovie and she pounie elussie head lof, p.” “ Well, that’s all right, ? said Shorty, and the be- wildered Chinaman looked at him in surprise, and as tough wholly unable to understand why it was all Yon had no business ter make love ter Biddy. She’s ther coon’s mash.’’ “Mashie wholly headie lof,’ he mused, as he gin hada rubbed the ep which the indignant Irish girl raised upon his head with the potato- st mee er mustn’t do it, Ho.”? ‘Me bloss allie waiters #77 “No, not yet. But if yer want ter make love ter Bid yer must cut outther coon. Get her dead struck on yer. , fe guessie no. She debel. So be.’ 2 % “Tl tix that. Take a duster and dust Sage foc’ around,” saying which he wentdown into the hen where the irate cook was still muttering to herself “Hello, Bid !” “Hello yersilf an’ see how yer ee it. I'll give yer notice av my lavin’ yer,’ she replied. “What for?” “ Wasn't ther nager bad enough?” “For what?’ “Ter have for a boss.” “But he don’t try ter boss yer now.” “No, bad luck ter him, an’ id loike ter see ther man ud do it, save the wan as hires an’ pays me.’? “ Well, that’s all right.” “But now yer bring a hathin wid a pig’s tail growin’ ter his head ter do it.” “No, I don’t.’? $ “Sure, but he said so.’ “All wrong, an’ I just told him so. He used to be with us. I found him dead broke, and took him in for a scullion, that’s all. But here is ther point, Bid. You like fun as well as Ido, He’ll never bother you again, and if you put up with him for the sake of ine fun we can get out of him an’ Ginge, you shall have two dol- lars more a month, and all ther,langh yer wank We'll keep up a rivalry between him an’ Ginge, and have gobs of fun out of it, See?’ Biddy was touched in a tender spot, and very soon began to laugh. **Catch on?’ he asked again. ** Faith I do, thin. But ther comical blackguard be- - n ter wunst ter make love to me, bad manners to m.? “That's all right. He thinks every woman that looks at him is mashed,” “*Begorra, an’.I guess he thinks that I'm as good a masher as he is,*? she replied, Doing to the potato- masher which she had used upon his head. “That's all right. But ae up with him, an’? we'll have Slathers of fun. He'll be very respectful ter yer now. “So he’d best be.”? “Bat don’t pe too rongh on him, will yer now?” he asked, coaxing! , Xo. Ls Iw one she replied, frankly; and then Shorty e! ‘Meantime Ho Sham had fallen into a meditative mood. That bang on the head had made him serious. The soft thing he thought he had fallen into did not appear to be half so nice as it had an hour ago. Shorty found him dusting the furniture of the dirn- ing-room with a shoe-brush, but he let him keep on while he went for Ginger Jones, who was A ¢ “That's so. Hold on, Ho. Don’t bother with zat Wey
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THE SHORTYS MARRIED > SRA : AND SETTLED D eaid Shorty; and pleased with what he thought was an acknowledgment of his ability, the Chinaman obeyed orders, and began polishing those articles. Ginger Jones was delighted, not only at the prospect of having some fun with the new servant, but because he found that he was not to be superseded by him. But he knew that he would have to watch him closely, or he would be liable to do much damage. “Here, Ho, this is your boss; he’ll tell yer what ter do,” said Shorty. “Niggie, bloss?? “ Yes; an’ yer must mind him when we don’t tell yer what ter do.” “*Niggie heap “allie yitie,”’ said he, meekly. ticklie,”’ he muttered to himself. ‘And so it will be seen that Shorty had things all ar- ranged for whatever might come up in the future, although he had done so without consulting any other member of the family. But it soon became evident that he had made a hit so far as fun for the whole family was concerned, an the other servants, too, for that matter, for Ho was continually doing all sorts of odd and comical things, sometimes annoying, but almost always fanny enough to raise a laugh. : The old man did not like the arrangement very well, partially because he was so taken up with the pees and partially because he feared some damage migh’ be done; but he gradually warmed up to the business, and enjoyed it the same as he used to when Ho Sham had been bis body servant. He kicked, however, when, one day, he found Ho Sham cleaning the front windows witha brick, rub- bing away industriously ecoon to the instructions he had received from Biddy, and threatened to fire him ont. * But Shorty contrived to make tt all right, although he had to have three or four new panes of glass put in in the place of those that Ho had scratched so badiy with the brick. , But what was that to him so Jong as @ good laugh could be gotten out of the business? It was now Christmas time, and everybody was preparing for'it as industriously as only New Yorkers can do, and of course the Burwick family were nota whit behind. Indeed, the old man commenced to buy presents for the wives and babies a month before time, 0 anxious was he to manifest his happiness. And once more it was the season of amusement, or, rather, the season was at its height, and again there ‘was talk of private theatricals, although it was agreed to vary them from what they had been last season. Shorty, however, was aching for a racket. He hhadn’t enjoyed a regular old-fashioned one for some time, and so he and ae a got their heads together to yee what could be worked up. ; “Work ’em together,’’ suggested the Kid. “ How ?” asked Shorty. _ “ Well, some Christmas biz.’? “Theatrical snap?” o Yes.”? * “Good, but not tough enough. Can’t we work ther ole man in?” “Wish we could.” “No, not this time. I have it.”” <“ where?” Shorty tapped upon his forehead. “B. B.,” said the Kid. *Don't ree Bu " * “ How is it wor “This way. You take Ginge an’ tell him that Ho Sham’s got up a job on him; that he’s goin’ ter dress himself up like a goblin ter frighten ther life out of him. Ah! I’ve Li as he suddenly exclaimed, as a new idea struck hi $ “Gotit in?? “Hush! We'll work it this way. Get ther old man feelin’ good an’ make him dress up like a ghost ter frighten ther Ife ont of Ho Sham. Then you take Ginge an’ tell {him that HoSham is goin’ ter play a trick on him, trtin’ tet frighten’ him by playin’ ghost. T’ll take Ho Sham an’ tell him that Ginge is goin’ ter play a trick on him in ther ghost business, an’ for him ter se ther life out of him with a stuffed club. “Well?” . “Don’t yer catch on?’ “Not yet.” 7 “Well, they'll both think ther ole man ther duffer that’s playin’ ghost.” “J hook on now. He’ll be ther gob.’? itan “Cert. But Ginge’ll think it’s Ho Sham, an’ Ho aa it's Ginge.”’ “Good snap! “But we most get two stuffed clubs.’’ “T can work it.” “Where?” sh “Why, der prop man at Tony Pastor’s. “Cert.” | a get us up @ couple, sure.?? t; see Ys “Good *nough!”’ And the job was thus worked up between them, at the e the old man, as usual. You wouldn't hardly believe it, but the old man fell right into the trap, belng almost always ready to plat @ trick on Ginger Jones. Ginger, in the meantime, was given one of the stuffed clubs that had been made for the pu and quietly informed that Ho Sham intended to tighten him out nd Shorty told the sa same same time ving him the other stuffed club, and tell- ing him to club the life out of the coon, just to show him that he couldn’t fool with him on any,such racket as that. = _ And so the two rival servants were fixed for each ‘ sppearing to him asa ghost, | his i ng to Ho Sham, at the Yoon each one believing that he had the drop on the other. The more the old man thought it over.the more he liked the idea of frightening Ginger Jones, and, to make it all the more funny, he had-an understanding with the three wives, who knew all about it, and were to be where they could see the fun. ; And so were Shorty and the Kid. The scare was to come off at about. midnight, in the dining-room, and the old man had st all arranged with Shorty to have Ginger there on some pretext or other, so that the thing could be worked advantageously to all concerned. And of course Ho Sham was instructed in his part, and was on hand in another place, for the benent of the conspirators. The old man got himselfu in the most ghostly styl and at a given signal strode ay mle ito the room. Ginger Jones was there with his club. He went for} sh him. He clubbed the ghost all out of him in the eighth part of a minute, and then came in Ho Sham, thinking he was going to mash the coonin no time, and the way they did punish that poor old ghost was a aay to ne, Paed tebe “Murder, murder! @ Old man, trying to es- cape from Ho Sham and Ginger Jones. x Help, help!’? The wives who had come to see the sport now rushed in to his rescue, as did Shorty and the Kid, pretending innocence. But by this time both Ginger and Ho Sham saw the mistake they had made, and you bet they lit out of that in short order. “What does it mean?’ cried the wives. “ Are you hurt?” “There has been a mistake,’? said Shorty’s wife, dreadfully anxious on the old man’s account, for she didn’t know the clubs were stuffed ones. “No mistake at all,’? said the old man, bracing up, for he was not badly hurt, “No mistake!” exclaimed his wife, “Not at all, it wasa job.” «4 job!” “Yes, ae these rascals!’ said he, pointing to Shorty and the Kid, who were laughing by this time as hard “Heavens and earth!’ exclaimed the old man’s as they could. wife, and then they all went for the runty jokers. CHAPTER XVII. THe racket was a terrible sell on the old man, as it | hap, was on both Ho Sham and Ginger Jones, each of whom had mistaken him for a ghost and clubbed , Sup- sing he was either the Chinaman or the coon ; but e was not materially hurt. But oh, how mad he was! Mad? Well, mad was hardly the name forit. There he had been and invited his own wife as well as the wives of Shorty and the Kid to see him play a ghost racket on Ginger Jones, and after all Shorty had put up a job so chat both Ginger and Ho Sham had mistaken him, one for the other, and had clubbed him nearly out of his boots. Of course Ginger and Ho had got out just as quick as they discovered their mistake, and only the jokers ard the wives remained in the dining-room when the whole thing. came out. “This is infamous !"* cried the old man. “It is dreadful,” put in his wife. “And those rascals worked it,” said he, pointing again to Shorty and the Kid. “Me! I worked nothing,’ said Shorty. “Me too,” chirruped the Kid. “T know better. Didn’t you coax me to play the ghost et on Ginger?” e * “Didn't you play it?’ asked the Kid, laughing. “You young Hessians! I will make you rue this piece of business !’? he howled. But by this time the ridiculousness of the thing dawned upon the wives, and in spite of themselves they had to laugh. : “Oh, yes, laugh! All of you laugh! It is very funny, isn’t it ?? he snarled. ; “But how could they have made such a dreadful mistake?’ asked Shorty’s wife. “Mistake !. Confound it, there was no mistake about it,?? growled the old man, as he continued to rub his bruised parts. “But there must have been.” “Must have been !? / ’ “Certainly, pop, or how did it happen that they beat you so soundly ?’ asked the Kid’s wife. “T tell you that it was a put-up job by those runty rapscallions.”’ i “That's right; lay everything to. us,” protested ety trying to look hurt. “Of course I will, for you are guilty and I know it. You put me up to frightening Ginger in the ghost busi- ness, and you probably went to him and told him (indeed, he said so) that Ho Sham was to act the of ghost and set him up to club the birdie eee man, while you undoubtedly told Ho that Ginger was going to try to frighten him, and for him to do the same thing. Consequently, they both fell upon me and I got knocked out.” “Oh, Shorty! Is it possible?’ asked his wife. “ Of course it is possible,” said the old man. “He is always up to just such things, and’ has no more feeling than to play them upon his old father,” and the old man whined his indignation. mae a simply an outrage,”? protested Angelina, fe. “So it was,” added Shorty. Cert,” chirrupped the Kid. “Oh, you fellows, shut up. I’ll get even with you to pay for this. See if I don’t.” + “No, no, don’t you attempt anything of the kind,” said his wife. grily.: get the worst e kind.” takes a year to do it in.” rien “Why! Soy, it warn’t us; it was der coon an’ der — John as done it,” said the Kid.» | Coa “Bah! do: you suppose they would have dared tq club me that way if they had really known who they were clubbing? No, sir,’’ and unable longer to sup. press his indignation, he started for his parlor, follow- ed by his wife. ; LAD ea Of course the others remained behind to laugh, and ~ in the meantime Ginger and "Ho Sham were talking © the matter overibetween them. ~ : FANG apy Bou, we get frow’d out ob de house for dat, © ve ae be, olor sak ‘et pipette js oe he war a put up jo lem scallaw: fo cartin, Neber seen naan like apie : eas vombass “Heap full debel allie timie. Usie plut pe lon me allie samie likie debil. Blad legs, so be, allie samie likie heap blig cussie.” ms Peer “Neber seen nuffin like em in all my bone days, — Dey don’t gib nobody no rest no time. But de ole — man, he bounce us plum out, fo shuah.”” rae ** Bouncie ) a “Don’t fo’get dat he will.” “ Gland shlakie ?"? “ i miser- uarters, fully beliey! aay aes mots youn Pe: ee saat ane the Shorty roof, althoug ey both felt ocent of tional harm. af mpl es * Shorty and the Kid, together with their wives, laughed themselves to sleep that night, for to themit — had been one of the funniest rackets they had worked in along time. a They had been hungry for a snap ofthat very kind, — and now that they had got it, they felt contented and — py: 4 Not So with the old man, however. He felt anything somebody, and Kere tivesiening 10. get. even y, and ke tf even his son and grAndaens os < ; re His wife, however, tried to dissuade him from | thing of the kind, knowing from experience that would be sure to get the worst of it. aoe a But he refused to see it in that light. Never, in’all'the ~ jokes that they had played upon him, did he feel confoundedly humiliated, and nothing could turn him ~ from his desire to get square with the jokers, even it took a year. . He felt ‘a trifle better the next morning when table, but he looked wild and swallowed quick w) he saw the old man coming down, for he certainly pected to get fired out then and there, j The old man kept his temper as well as he cou and disappointed Ginger by not discharging him) and ~ after breakfast was over he took the first favorable ont ea to haye a private conversation with him. inger was expecting it to come, and had his back humped fora discharge ~ “Boss, you musn’t blame me fo’ dat las’ business,”? he as ne ‘ “Who is blaming you ?’? aia, “Circlumstances am agin me, boss, but, fo’ de I ee know it iste you.” y : “Shorty told you it was Ho Sham you were ti didn’t he ?”? tt z = :. **Cartin shuah, boss.’? ‘ fa “And he told Ho Sham that you were goin frighten him by a goblin trick, and got him to: what he supposed to be you, eh??? wares # “Dat war what he said, sah.’? K “Tthoughtso, He put up the whole job. place, .I was fool enough to let him use me to frighten you. Then he pee up the other parts of tl job. Now, mind, I don’t blame you at all. It would | haye been a good joke on either you or Ho sham. b l when it was turned on an old man like me, it ce to be anything like a joke.” . 27} ees ip Dae what I poe say, sah.” : ‘Now, will you me in working a racket that,will Take him sick ?”? Fale “ Can it be done, sah?” ior “To be sure it can.. Will you assist me ifT. something ?? : See “Cartin, sah, fo’ it would sarve him right, f “Of course ® would. Nothing makes him si as to have a joke played back on andi to do it, you bet.’” : . “Bully fo’ you, sah.” ae epi “T hayen’t decided yet what I shall do, assist me atallevents?’ — Ag “Fo” de Lord, boss, I’se wid you.” - $ “ Allright. Now you keep perfectly quiet me work this out. th in C - yas “Sah. I'll be like an oyster.’” _“ Well, don’t let him open you.” ; “T shell not, sab,’’ replied Ginger, grinning over his pun. +
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THE SHORTYS MARRIED A x a ae Tae i oe ND SE ELD DOWN. rs - “Don’t say 8 word about my conversation with you, _ and we'll have fun enough at his expense to make him - s candidate for a hospital.”’ » With this understanding between them, they sepa- vated, and G r went about his duties, wearing a _ smile all over black mug, not only because of the spect there was of getting hunk with the little af foxers, but because he now felt sure that he was not to ' He explained matters to Ho Sham the best he could, nd he appeared to understand al! about it, although “in truth, he could make neither head or tail to the - business. - However, he promised to say nothing about it to _ either Shorty or the Kid, and so the matter was left wholly in the hands of the old man to concoct and “a rk out, while they were to hold themselves in readi- is to assist him in any way he might direct. we nd then the old fellow threw everything else to one 4% ide Coan eee his epeectreapes Bea es = _ business of getting a terribie snap upon Sho ni the Kid, for nothing else would fill the measure of his worked for several days withont hitting upon nything satisfactory; but fnally he did, and went for bald-headed. imé Shorty and the Kid were full of laughter old man’s discomfiture, and otherwise enjoy- themselves in their happy-go-lucky sort of a way tural to although the old man had threatened to get @ with them, they do not appear to have be- that he really intended to make an attempt to do fone? Snes confident that kK upon himself, racket. makes yer?” don't yer see how queer he looks!’ Don’t on ter his deep study?” “No, nor he won't till he gets even with us,’ re- plied the Kid.” * Oh, he'll take a tumble an’ let us alone after this. I'll bet he’ll drop on it.” ese conversation shows how they felt about the matter. But in the meantime the old man was busily at work on his racket, and one day while Shorty and the Kid were away he had a man working with him in the house putting up wires leading to the various parts of the house from the cellar, and in reply to questions asked by some of the women folks, he said he was having the bell-wires fixed. They noticed the same man at work about the house on two or three different occasions, but of course paid no particular attention to him, as the old man was a ie ) a Wives i i i But the old man was not satisfied yet. He touched the knob once more, and again Shorty and the Kid shot up into the air, upsetting the i table as before, and falling sprawling amid the ruins. od phage ey whatever was being done, and they did not notice that the work was being done entirely in the absence of Shorty and the Kid. He did not take his wife into his confidence, because she would oniy have laughed at him for attempting to get even with the boys and tried to dissuade him from doing so. Indeed, all three of the wives and mothers were so taken up with their babies that they paid but little at- tention to what was going on outside of the nursery. Ginger Jones was not taken into his confidence either, as he expected to be, for when he first spoke to him about the matter he had not decided upon any, lan of peso now that he had itnearly arranged, ¢ found that he could work it without help from any one. Ginger noticed the good-natured smile upon the old fellow’s face, and concluded that he had forgotten all about the rough joke that had been played upon him, and given up his idea of avenging it. As for Ho Sham, he had dually worked himself Into the household, so that he made himself quite as useful as he was ornamental. But the servants were continually having fan with him, all of which he took in his usual good part. Indecd, he always appeared to have just as much fun in being sold and put about rad those who sold him; this was always his way, you ow. Well, the old man’s extensive and expensive racket was finally completed, and when he got thi all nicely into a working condition, he felt so good that he locked himself into the billiard room, where he proceeded to dance and to stand on his head and cut up all myo of capers to express his feelings, so good were they. “Oh, ho! I guess not!’ he would now and then give utteranceto, © “Ob, perhaps I won’t make them fel- lows sick—perhaps not!"’ and then to express his feeb ings still further, he walked on pis hands for-awhile. This seemed to relieve him, so that when he — made his appearance among the other members of the family, he was as calm as ever, and did not excite sus- ee or comment, as he probably would have done ad he not thus given vent to his feelings. ‘Well, that evening, after they had all got around the table, the old man was ready to work his unseen racket. Shorty and the Kid were in the best of spirits, fall of their jokes, grips and quirks, keeping the table ina roar, as they usually did when they felt just like it Indeed, the old man was in the humor to join in the laughter, and he did so. * Well, dad, how is ther old thing workin’?” asked ls Shorty, seeing him in much better humor than for & long time past. * Oh, first-rate!"? said he, as he proceeded to eat his supper. How's der kids? Gained any meat?’ asked the ** Mine has gained a quarter of a pound since yes- terday, but yours has lost an ounce,’? It will be remembered that the old man weighed all three of the children every day, not so much to keep run of their growth as to keep a record or their weight. so that Shorty and the Kid could not mix them up, as they had done once before, creating so much unhappiness. They kept up a fire of squibs at each other unt they had got well under way with their supper. All of a sudden, however, the old man toucheda Knob with his foot as he sat at the table. There was @ sudden commotion. Shorty and the Kid took a fying leap. ~ Over went the table, They rose at least a yard out of their chairs, and yelled murder at the same time. “What on earth is the matter?’ demanded the frightened wives, “What's up?” asked the old man, pretending to be eroraclonal tg up,’ said Shorty, picking * Gracious! I guess we are ¥, pic himself from the floor where he had fallen. ~’ “* Moses! what is it?’? asked the Kid, gathering him- Self up with dimicully. Ginger Jones meantime was almost as completely yzed asany ofthem. He stood | at them for & moment and then set himself to work to right the table and to get what unbroken dishes there were U; it again. FeWhat on earth Shorty’s wife, F aid you do _ that’ for?’ : askea.
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ES ee _ THE SHORTYS MARRI the tears of laughter from his eyes. “Did you see ’em ‘o up? - ° ; ; Bee Yes, and we saw them come down; and we saw “Now let's see if we can’t work him with the same the table and dishes come down. What is the mean- | snap,” said Shorty, thoughtfully. C5 oe ing of it all, I’d like to know?” “Dat war a great job dat he play, boss.” fa “So would I,” replied the old man, “Itmustbe} “Right you are,Ginge. He’s got geod an’ even wit! they have gone crazy.” us for all we've played on him, but let’s see if we can’ “Oh, that’s all right, dad. If it's a racket we own | catch on for a piece of the same racket,” and he began up like little men, an’ you score a big one on your | to inyesti; more closely. Bae Lead side,” said Shorty. : It took him some time to get the thing down fine, *“Oh, you think I made you jump, hey?” but he finally did so, and then he went to bed as hap. — ‘Something certainly made them act very queer,?’ | py as a big hard clam. ” zn said the old man’s wife, smiling. As for the old man, the suceess of his big practical - ‘Well, the trouble is, they are imbibing too much. | joke had so delighted him that he fo all about the — Say, why don’t you fellows swear off? asked the | apparatus which he put up atso much cost and labor, laughing old joker. evidently believing thatit had exploded like a fire- cracker when it expended its energy on his victims. © “ Hang me if I know,”’ replied Shorty, in a wild and most bewildered way. The Kid was even more confused. Something had caused them both to jump almost out of their skins, but what that something was neither of them knew. Indeed, so completely paralyzed were they that they scarcely Knew themselves, while their wives began to think they had gonecrazy. » They asked numerous questions with much anxiety, but sould get no rational answers, *Oh, that is some of their funny business,’’ said the old man, indignantly, although he was struggling hard to repress a laugh. “Well, I should think they ought to be ashamed of themselves,” said the Kid's wife. : Shorty and the Kid looked at each otner. ““Tumble?’’ asked Shorty. “‘Nixy. Do you??? ““Not once.” “What was it?” ** Ask me something easier,” “What made you jump?” 4 “T surrender. What made you take that flyin leap??? asked the Kid. “Bust maif I know. Something made me tingle, an’ bounced me.” “Me too. What was it?’ “Now, I object,’ putin the old man. ‘ This non- sense is entirely out of place under the circum- stances,’’ and at the same time he had to pinch him- self to Keep from laughing. “So weall think,” said the wives, who, supposing that their husbands had simply did a little job for the Sake of surprising them, were properly indignant. By this time Ginger Jones had got things arranged again, and once more the bewildered family gathered cautiously around the table. “Now let us have no more of this nonsense,’ the old man said, looking savage. 46 for Shorty and the Kid they had nothing at all to say for themselves; they were completely taken aback, is ao at the pEnken, get and this ruined carpet,’ said Shorty’s wife, reproachfully. “J think they pave both got the old-fashioned *Jamping-Jack’ on them,” said the Kid’s wile. “Nixy, but 1 don’t know what it was. Maybe it was nervousness,” replied Shorty, thoughtfully. “Perhaps a little less champagne would cure that nervousness,” suggested Shorty’s wife. Various comments were made, but in a few mo- ments the table was all right again ‘and the supper Tesumed. But the ole man was not satisfied yet. He touched the knob once more, and again Shorty and the Kid shot up into the air, ve pevrssa flee table ae before, and falling sprawling amid the ru! . CHAPTER XVIII. Tre wildest excitement prevailed in that dining- Toom after the old man souehed the knob the second time, for the effects had been even more marked than at first. Shorty and the Kid had been bounced into the air about a yard, knocking over the table as before and Scattering the dishes and things all over the floor, making a terrible wreck, in the midst of which they were sprawling in the most comical manner imagina- ble. The three wives were screeching and Ginger Jones was flying around like’a kernel of corn in a popper, of hea to assist Shorty and the Kid to their feet, run- g from one to the other in his anxiety to rescue them. The old man could not control his. feelings any eee and began to laugh with all his might and ma : “Gosh, guess he got his money’s wuf out ob me,™ G r. m * Bah}? and repeating it, the entire party, with the . exception of the old man and his wife, left the room} He langhed until he was sore, but the Kid was al. not in the best of spirits. ready too sore to laugh at all, not taking it so good. — “What was it, Josiah?’ she asked. naturedly as Shorty did. ~ te “What was it? It was lightning,’ and again he} ‘There was that about the little runt, he could play — went off into a fit of laughter. jokes on other people and haye any number of laughs “Lightning 2"? at the expense ofothers, but it made him sick to have ‘To be sure it was,” ron beret t the grand langh on him as his grand- **T don’t understand you.” father-brother-in-law had done. “Want anotherexperiment?? ‘Weil, yes, provided it doesn’t fall on me, or I upon it,” said she, looking around. ~ ‘Tl work it on Ginger and Ho Sham,” said he, whispering to her. ‘‘Say, Ginger, sit down in Shorty’s chair and tell Ho Sham to take that of the Kid,” turn- ing to the bewildered waiter. Ho Sham had not seen the racket, and so he came | were still in the dark. : ite in very fresh, taking the chair lately occupied by the} ‘‘ Well, boys, you don’t seem to look so very happy Sa feéling exceedingly splendid at having such | this morning. at’s the matter?’ he asked, loo : an honor conferred upon him, while Ginger Jones | from Shorty to the Kid. § 5 hesitated a little and looked a trifle wild. “ Be seated. boys, and have something to eat,” said the old man, cheerfully. “ Boss, I don’t feel hungry,’’ protested Ginger. “Me allie yitie; me takie slum meatie allie same likie bloss_ bloy wie glassie eye,’? said Ho, seizing his knife and fork. The next instant the old man touched the knob, and both Ho Sham and Ginger Jones went bounding into the air as the others had done. They whooped and yelled as they went up; they howled and cursed as they came down. What had escaped wreckage during the first two ex- periments went to smash now without a doubt. Shorty, however, felt all right, and after explaining the racket to his wife and telling her what he had done by way of playing it back on the old man, he fell asleep with a smile on his mugas big as a sunflower, — They met the next morning at breakfast. The old Taal wore 8 seyen-by-nine grin, as did his wife, but the others looked ugly, showing, as ne thought, that they” “Bah !” was the only reply he got. cee “Probably you didn’t enjoy your dance last night,” said he, laughing. . The Kid made no reply because he was still in the saeeterr es Brorty made none because he wished to ap. pe: , ot “How did you do it anyway?” asked Shorty’s wile. “Me I" exclaimed the old. man, still determined keep up the racket, and appear innocent. ; “Yes. how did you work it?” pueee “Well, if | knew I'd tell you,” said he, and he secret- ly made up his mind to give them both another dose of “jumping-jack.” : : The breakfast was being served by Ginger Jones, and “Oh, Lord! oh, Lord! bress de Lord!’ cried Ginger, | the old joker took the first opportunity he could get to crawling out from under the table. look under the table so as to locate the knob, that he “ Cussie blazie, how be’? demanded Ho Sham, ris- | might reach it again without trouble. " voihe old man aid iis wife wots Bodh of therm lanigh: | ever 1 abt pee cic cace of jin-fams Bia * , a8 he p coffee an ing heartily. eat his breakmast, but neither Shorty nor the Kid made a er eian Heh mie of his trousers, with p lndked Snioay seemed inclined to notice him as he “s Was 2 a matters Ho Sham ?”’ asked the old man, bay thgie He ee he made up his pausing fin his laughter, 6 5; ; ; Semeblogy ecko pian un meine Maal, makie|, Heute tek under the fate ith le fo, BA ater Ratinde ouaanit 80, Ginger #? wards as though seven hundred wasps had stung hi ; i beneath the bosom of his pants. Hy “Golly, I d’no, boss, but somefin cotched me ahind “And th ‘ pa rea : like bout firty jhernets, all gettin’ in ther fine work at] ,, And the tab swith Shorty aon is ‘ippingevery same time,’ he replied. : > ) “Well, that’s allright. Pick np the things and get | thing off. making a smash and a crash, while the all to rights again,”? Baia the old vate sd Bet | women folks screamed murder and things and a ‘Where pinnie go?” asked Ho Sham, taking a care- | 0&¢k in alarm, } ful look at the Shalr: Saha See” an eee ti ae & BOKCESS. The apparatus was still in “Go: long! at’s ther er yer * 7 ; Ginger, who could not bear to believe that there was | But more astonished old joker than that man Bur. anything he did not understand. wick was never seen, ; ** Makie jumpie klick!? “Oh, shut up, and help pick up things here, or Tl bust yer big nose off,’ replied the coon, as the old man and his wife went laughing from the room, fully con- ‘ vinced that he could work a practical joke on Shorty The truth of the mystery was that he had arranged | anq the Kid, although he had failed in doing so several wires to the chairs both of Shorty and ae bse and by | times. touching the knob before spoken of, ha He explained it to her carefully,and together the gens $o Dales hen up as belore Beeeribed cis = thaehibeneoe eee after they had retired t0 | °' Nufin’, sah,’ and, in the face of the old’ “ eir chamber, : i y ‘ : The thing had bewildered them “iy and but when |” Bnt Shorty was not the rooster to haye a joke work. | TO", he tried to brace up and look Seah they saw the old man laughing so h a ghey, ua ed on hima successfully as that. one had been with- Racits toad ane Store abort ane ope eRnoy what is it?” demanded the Kid. A going to the bottom of the matter, and finding out | © « Oh, shut up!’ % : 244 S FS abont it. - “ th “ What yer’ laughin’ about?” asked Shorty, / “77, aiq not understand anything about the science of Kia wiioent they all iacathd anatertee Pjasked i g ; ; are facing the old joker. electricit: yithad been emplo: “Oh, nothing, only it was too comical for anything respi ad wis nee 7 i yed to give him} “« Oh’ ary up e old man gotinto | -«y, Hips: 60,906 Fos DCRR eters ats his chamber than he went back to the @ining-room, | ; jan Vink ree cated ROT Te eh as the boys had wae BO OO sien? caked the Kid: and began to investigate%o sce ifhe could find ont the | «Well he play epeaied Sony ae nar" watt a i % cree eae ner ae ethin "| . He worked over the thing for some time without eaten ate poke ber husband's part, for she was ~ the bewildered wives tool is mean?” asked the old fluding anything suspicious, but finally, with the as- stRut be guoulatinve van it 20 ‘es nar ork “Josiah, what pa laughing, refusing to give | §istance of Ginger Jones, he discovered the wires com-} nag jt played back on him. { think it very much re man’s wife, but he Kept on. Jaughine, - Ing up through the floor and attached to the chairs. | sembies a boomerang.” suggested the Kids wile,” it away. hing about this most extraordi- | _ Following it up—or rather down—he found that | «whos a boomeran, gr g Ne the old “Do you know anytiinfmanded Shorty’s wife, in- | these wires Jed into the cellar, where there was a pow- angrily. : manded the 70) nary piece of business? 5, ees was busy trying to right | €rful shocking-machine still in working order. “The joke acted like one, I think.” - dignantly, while Ginger Jones there was left of the | After studying over the matter for some time, and| ‘ne cit eran Fearnsdea Canine He swnud the table and gather up what ther remembering what he had read and heard about such | nave given a ten-dollar note if rere beside had but apparatuses, and how they worked, he finally fouad | ignened or made any remark Ww nee dan ase ; out the secret of the racket that the old man had play- seen OC winds “any repirk whataney es ees oS Thave al right “Ther oid But Ginger went to work to pick up the broken dishes 5 Sood Coat right” be a ee pieces. es a daft and Se wander within iumecit how valuable this style — sure,” “By golly, boss, yer oughter seen him gib me an’ | gard Ho Sham e grant hist.” said Ginger, “What! Did he getin on you fellers?” ; ; “Oh, by gosh, yer oughter seen us!” replied Ginger, +} bursting into a langh.: ; . 5 “Good enough.’? & ; “Tt was too good ’nough for me, boss.”? RA “oh, that's all right. It-must have cost him quite a boodle to get this thing set up, an" I don’t blame play none on them in return??? for work It for all ft was worth.” Het Se eRe AR and gazed around. Prey hat in thunder are you laughing at, Pee big hunk of charcoal"? he howled, as his eyes fell upo Ginger Jones. : ’ : wreck. But it was so good that ae old man made up his mind not to give it away anyhow. Atthe same time, however, Shorty and the Kid re- nsiness way bey 1-3 horty’s wife, , an "a - asked the old man, wiping Well, ofcourse you can do as you think
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As for poor Ho, the Kid found him up-stairs in the bath-room, bathing his ghleeding snoot with cold water, to stop the of the ruby. ss t's der p-atter, Ho ?’? asked the Kid, _* Blastie cussie nosie dof,” he muttered, withont looking Up i ** But what did yon do to her?” “Me no. Me show shine, how makie flumpie, Me ay aetie? hold wires then dance allie timie itkie monkey. ' _that,-but if I were you, and had no bettersuccess than ‘ou do with one jokes, I think I should give up the ” Teplied, laughing. ‘ Spel fi I bounce them last ne z “Yes; e bounce you gaye yourse! morn- Js more than an offset.” eye, OHAPTER XIX. I don’t think so, { “MunTHER—murther!*? shouted Biddy, the cook, : 2 Sa asi om el deh pomtned Pe an “On blaelo heap?” yelled Ho Sham, ag he and she : atte: again , danced under the force of the electric shock, which ; ot doing so you ced yourselt.”” was @ sort of a tail-end of the old man’s (rgeion There the two victims stood, dancing: shaking, and yelling as Shorty and the others ente: ' ’ **Did a mule kick yer, pop ?’” asked the Kid, “Tak ‘| “ But she thinks yer put up a job on her.”? “On, shut upt? «On not wn mir nog no; me no Jobbie, Allie hap Lkie’ don’t know “say, dad, if I was you I’d go interthe circusbusi-| shorty and ‘the Kid roared with laughter, for the _ Bess,” suggested Shorty, who was very much pleased | caw ae had happened the two inquisitive feexvanke _ with the way his snap worked, but Shorty’s wife was alarmed by their cries and’ con- The old man made no reply, but he looked hard at! tortions, and ran to their rescue. Jones, as though actually yearning to haye him| “Catching Ho Sham by the wrist, she pulled the wire rn Ro eon eee wos mad was he, and so anxious | tnrongh his hand-so a8 to break’ the current, but by pita ey minates they Were al eater again around See ieee weiss and then she began to reak e, ger was replacing the} «Oh, George! oh, oh, stop it!” she cried, while Bidd st peae n° Looe Tin) Wiping Ryde mut. | 22 Ho Sham continned: their whooping da dancing. tered to himself, as he worked away. , a Lbs ae Shorty-and; thes Kid, batiseewas “Well, this finishes this Brussels carpet,” remarked | “ ‘phere was the wildest excitement, and in the midst = ’s wile, as she’glanced phan dtheKia. _| of #8 Angelina flew to her mother’s eemeataies and by * -;, OB, Pop’s good for another, the some means or other she got into the electric current, nee Of course | am, and it’s none of your business | anq inyoluntarily joined in the dance, thus making _ either,” the old fellow growlel matters still more sensational, exciting, and mixed, t rs horty. “Go itl” shouted Shorty, _ _ “Why, of course it’s nobody’s business but yer own, i Georges Geoteet Rectlanpa cree te ; an Tm glad ter hear yer take all ther blame’on yer- nanWhnoo er up! yelled the Kid, for the fun wasa big pot ones. Yer he . for him, 0 £0. ; iad el Eat your breakfast and shut up.” Will yees lave me go, bad luck ter yer!” howled| ‘Not much. If yer do, we'll send yer ter prison for : ter touch that knob some more?’ Shorty | piaay; and with one desperate effort she drew back. | life.” asked, after a moment's silence. wards niling the apparatus over npon the floor and| ‘‘Me clan't stan’,’”? _This question not only raised @ langh. but it nearly | "noshfr it, thus breaking the current and setting] ‘But you must,” persisted the Kid. “Yer here for caused the old man to choke himself with the mouth- | them an ye natural life,” and then he left him, trying to get fal he had just taken. But by this time Biddy had got worked uptoafight | his mug into shape. Me touchie, said Ho Sham, looking up cheerfully. | ing point, and the instant she was free she fell upon } The poor fellow was frightened nearly out of his life Confound you!” roared the old man in anger, | p> chan tooth, nail and fist, regarding him as the | at this prospect for he knew that Bidar swroud un- doubtedly kill him if he remained, and rospect, the others roared with laughter, and seizing a ‘ ee oatmeal mush, he threw it with sudden and | Cause of allthe trouble, if not actually the putter-up aN porte pen le to prison wens psc Sie pened made him inclined to git and take the latter chance, of thejob upon her. tee haestant easentne ir Bane tear a She knocked him down and tien mounted him, giy- Let ing him even more than Paddy gave the drum. “ Hoop, ha! cussie!” exclaimed Ho, dancing ; wildly ntand to paw the sticky stuff out of fie whooped murder in broken English and wild bet “Bad Tuck ter take tnat!” cried Biddy, ‘an’ before he could half do so the irate old man ’ him a parting kick. that, an’ that,” and she would have murdered him had — the women folks dragged her irom him by main force, to drop that mush | “4s for Shorty and the Kid the would never have 3 ted them; it was n for them. “Oh. cussie olie man gotie jimmie Jammie,” they | °°R2T ; beard him mutter, Just gs Mr. Burwick closed the docr himpt sho writ, eeeruetiets petahcentnierennars Chinaman again. ‘ “Be gues, Bridget,” said Shorty’s wife, as she held her bac “Lave me at him!’? “Ho cussie hi! No, no!’ cried Ho Sham, darting from the room, * Ther flends go way wid yeez.”” “Hush! Be auies 1 tell you.” “Heavens and earth! whoever heard ofsuch a dis- “Oh, whater yer givin’ us, ole man? Yer putupa snap on the ole gal, sure ee . vy Me hopie die. Me allie sklare. Me no bad China- man. ; Bliddy knockie stuflin lout allie timie. Me sickie. Me no stay. Me no piggie,me know when sadly wiped his face. “* No; me play lout.” . an | ‘Seman qr “So be. Me leaken,’’ said he, sadly, “Allright. Let her pound yer,” “Meno. Me axipoe lout,’? “Nixy, cully, no skip.” “No skippie?” “Not once. Yer here for life.” _ This only made matters all the worse, for now even ig On. own wife la As for the wives, they were pa apcry indignant atitall, They could sée little or no fun in a snap that created a fight between the honsehold servants, and so they got their heads together to see if they could not oon ve some way to put @ stop to this sort ofa he “There is no use in ing to cure them of thess practical jokes,” said the Kid’s wife, “for they area part of their lives.” “T should say so,” said Angie. “But I don’t like it”? “Tl tell you what. We can cure them,” said Angie, after a moment’s reflection. 40 thet noes slestedy ‘aithodghr the eller fer ‘ unmo! ie chief fun- aker bad departed. After all was over, Shorty took them into the cellar showed them the battery that had caused so much fan and mischief, and exp! how the old thing worked. . But the ladies insisted upon it that it should be re- “ What have we got ter do with it?” asked Shorty, as soon as he could speak. “ How ?”? moved and placed where it could do no further harm,} Why, did you not start it?” “Tell us for goodness sakel!? _ &nd as ithad served its purpose, Shorty ordered Ho Give them Senin of their own doses,” “Start nothin’, I told Ho Sham ter take ther ole machine an’ fire it in ther back yard.’? ““An’ bad luck ter ther spalpeen, didn’t he lave it there on ther table?’ demanded the exasperated Sham to remove it to the back yard and stow it away, t ’ ? Now ail this had been a great mystery to the China. Fai earn Retehgh A *] have an idea,” “More practical Jokes A Ea Shorty’s wife, hoki- Bey powerful that neither of them could let wero of noe and yell ail the same frig’ Yand The old man returned after being absent a fw nce righten- household wai tenga them down to ; , | hours, feeling a trifle better than when they had laughed him out of the house, : eee “Oh, I have the idea. I tell you we have got te take a hand in this business ourselves in order to them of it.” * Pshaw! that will only make matters all the worse.” x Perhaps not, mother. At all events we can try it and see how it works,’” “Well, what do —_ propose?” ; ; “* We'll take the babies and black them up like little negro babies.” “ Yes, that will be splendid.?? “How?” “T will tell you. We'll blacken their fices and drees them up like little negro minstrels, put them im their little high-chairs, and then let them see how they Jook.’? Shorty’s wife smiled faintly, but she hardly saw how cr circus was going cure the jokers of their pranks, But the other two thought they were sure of having some fun out of the t , if they effected no reforma tion, and so they set about making preparations te carry out the idea. Meantime quiet once more settled over the Shorty household, with the exception of the laughs which the servants naturally bestowed upon poor Ho Snam, who, te _*
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—-” ‘THE SHORTY, te dee bo i, MARRIED | ahs AE is SND SETTLED DOWN. — + But he was in no angel humor even then, and didn’t mean to be fooled with much. Shorty met him as he came in. “ Hello, dad,” said he, cheerity. “Well, what of it?? returned the old man, looking coldly at him. x “Got over yer mad?” ““None of your business.” Fr “Oh takeafall! Ineverseen yer so cranky afore h my ” “Well, I never suffered such indignity before.” “Nonsense. Forgot about that wandering minstrel racket in London, haven’t yer ?”? i The old fellow did remember it; but, as he turned gavagely upon the little joker and saw the huge grin upon his.comical mug, he began to grin himself, and: finally they both burst into a loud laugh, “Well, but I won’t have any more of it,” said the old fellow, after laughing awhile. “That was all very well when we were single fellows; but now that we are married, we ought to settle down and behave somewhat more like men, Letit stop.” “An right. ButI want ter tell yer of ther racket we nad here after yer skipped out with yer back up.’? And Shorty thereupon proceeded to narrate the adventures of Ho Shum and Biddy with the battery down in the tchen. ad as the old man was, this story, told in Shorty’s inimitable manner, made him roar as loudly as he ever did in his life. In fact, he prretres to forget all about the reformation he had just been talking about, and so in afew minutes his good humor was fully restored. erything preg off pleasantly during the day. In- aoe it was fully a week before any other breeze dis- the harmony of the household, and it happened up in the nursery, . Qne morning Shorty, the old man, and the Kid went up together to see the youngsters, as they generally tid nearly every day. But on entering the room what a sight met their gaze! , ‘ried into three high-chairs were the three babies, éach{jone blackened up and dressed like a a- negro ministrell! One of them was squalling like a young hurricane, another was gazing with wide open eyes, while the third was laughing and crowing delightedly. They started back in astonisment as they entered room. There was nobody there but the disguised babies. “Holy Moses!’? exclaimed Shorty, * Great Nebudchadnezzar!”’ cried the old man. «Snakes and tadpoles!” squeaked the Kid. «What is this?’? «What are they?” “Whose are they ?”? «Where did they eome from?” “Look at that little coon laugh!” “Hear that one yell!” “Well, that beats the bush,” sighed the old man. ~ Where is everybody, I’d like to know ?”” “Tsay, what is it, anyway ?” asked the Kid. “4 racket.’? our.own, I’d like to know? Hello! Angie, Kate, Cad- dy, nurse girls—anybody, where are are you??? the old man whooped. * : But nobody replied, and there they stood gazing at the three comical little coons, utterly at a loss what to make of them. ‘Well, say, they're blacked up with burnt cork,” said Shorty, after taking a closer look at them. “What's that yer soy ?” asked the Kid. i And are they our babies ?’ “Ts it possible? Who has done this?’ “Ther nurse girls I guess,’? “Where are they? I'll murderand then discharge them,?? protested the old man, “Oh! they only did it for a joke,’’ said Shorty. “Joke! Confound such jokes; I’ll not have any such joking with my child, and I'll fust let them know it. This is what comes of our practical joking. Even our servants take it ee ; Both Shorty and the Kid laughed, “That’s right, laungh—laugh and encou: them in the business, confound you. Haven’t you fellows got any dignity about you?” “Well, what's ther use of kickin’ ?’? “1 show you what use there isin it. This joking has got to stop, but before we can preyent it in the servants, we must stop it ourselves. Oh, I’ll fix those girls for this,?? he added, going from the room in high udgeon. Shorty and the Kid remained behind to laugh at the little comics, all of whom by this time were laughing an oe in high glee, and it was a funny t in- eed. But presently the three wives came in by another door and joined in the laugh just as the old man re- turned with Ginger Jones and Ho Sham. He started in astonishment as he entered, while Ginger flung himself into a laugh that could have been heard fifty rods away. “ Ho, ho, hil lillie m onkie allie samie likie Gingie!’? cried Ho Sham, pointing to them. “What is the meaning of this?” demanded the old man, gazing from one of the wives to the other, buta chorus oflaughter was his only answer, “Who blackened those babies??? he redemanded. “Well, pop, it must have been some of the practical jokers in the house,” replied Shorty’s wife, trying hard to look serious. ‘ “ Where are the nurse-girls—did they do it?” “You mustn’t ask us,” said Angie. “ And how are we to pick out our babies?’? asked the Kid’s wife. “That's so. Go for yer scales, pop.’? “ Confound the scales! Confound everything! Where is the girl? Here, come at once and wash these babies,” he called, angrily. “Oh, you all go down-siairs, We will see that the babies are washed,’’ said Shorty’s wife, pushing him from the room. — Reluctantly, and with the old man still growling like abear with a sore head, they made their way down to the sitting-room. “But whose? What bables are these? Whereare| To tell the truth, neither Shorty nor the Kid felt so [THE END.) happy as they were before they found out that their wives had worked the practical joke on them, for the: had never thought that tey might take a hand in suc! business, and wer. didn’t like it much, “Now, then, what do you think?’ asked the ola man, after they were alone together. ree “Ther gals gettin” on it, eli?” mused Shorty. “To be sure they.are. I thought at first that the servants had followed our example. But the thing must stop right here,” said he, sa ly. Sonik 3 “ Well, ru I Ifthe girls ha’ the ell, I'll tell you. e Is have taken up joking busines: i shut down on it.” “That’s so,” said Shorty, thoughtfully. : ‘* Hadn’t we better swim out?” asked the Kid. “7 thinkso. Now letus shake hands and give our words that we’ll do no more of mny business, and actually settle down.’’ “There’s my flip,” said Shorty, offering hishand. ae guess my little: paddy on it, pop,’? added the Kid, following Shorty’s example. “Now, do you really mean it, boys?” “ Honest Injun 1? replied Shorty. “*Now-I-lay-me !? squeaked the Kid, serlously, “Well, then, let us shake hands solemnly, and prom~- ise to turn over a new leaf. Ifwe haye any more fup of that kind let it be out of the house, eh? r“ Yes, yes; I agree to it.’? “We are married, and now that we are fathers, in Heaven’s name isn’t it time that we settled down? sy mney said the Kid. “11 be a deacon from this time forth.’? “Good! So we all will be.” » ““There were three deacons on @ tree”—the Kid longed to sing, when the three wives and mothers came into the room, each with her baby in her arms, and smiling. “ We've sworn off, Kate,” sald Shorty. “Sworn off what?’ “Rackets. From this out we're goin’ ter be just lit- tle deacons.’? ’ “ Ts that so ?”? asked the other two wives. “ Yes—no more snaps, We are married——” “ Well, I should say so,’ said Caddy, “ An’ we're goin’ ter settle down.?? “ We are glad to hear it,” “Yes, from this time forward we are all going to be model husbands and play no more practical jokes on each other,’ said the old man, earnestly. “Give us your hands on it!’? said the wives, “Grip!” “ Shake!’? and they all shook hands, “Now we shall see how long you will keep your promise unfractured,” said Shorty’s wife. “ Oh, we're on itl”? “ We are!” “ We are!” And as they all evidently meant business (althonu; it is hard to believe that they could pr gr Serr ao kt iar (2G ue psc good-bye, g seen them Married and Settled Down. tis time that we took a tumble an@ ~—— ot }- x 3 Useful and Instructive Books. THE LIFE OF POLICE CAPTAIN HOWARD.—Portrait with each book, ‘To those who have read “ Old Crafty,” “Young Sleuth,” “The Ameri- can Vidoeq,” “ Harry Hawk,” etc., etc., we offer the life of the above The Life of Police Captain Howard, sale by all newsd famons police-officer and author. with portrait, price 10 cents. For post pees on receipt of price. Address d 86 North Moore street, New York. P.O. SOMETHING NEW! SOMETHING Minstrel Guide and Joke Book.” dime—one dime—one dime. States, or send 10 cents to Frank ing? Moore street, New York. or P. O. Box harm th the humorous sketches published weekly on the pt Now is your chance to obtain Don’t write and pont wher you can get it, but t, price 10 cents, For sale by all newsdealers, or ‘on receipt of price. Address Frank Tousey, publish- NOW LAUGH !—** THE LIFE OF ‘ED.’ ”__Every subscriberto our paper isc or New York: f fee Ed.” rtrait of book and portrait ran ae RN orth Moore street, New York. life secret, and one-that every young man --It is8 great k Tousey, 20 Rose anCae New ou all about it. Send 10 cents and get it. desires 10 snow all about. blishes a book that tells ¥ Frank 7 $4 and 36.North 34 and r it, Address nk. Tousey, 6. No an Theres happiness Rate P, 0, Box 2730. turn mail, post paid. THE LIFE OF PETEK PAD.—A ne¥ and funny adventures of the above POP have one, All the fun, wit, and oe have read NEW!—“The Boys of New York Every boy should haye one. One For sale by all newsdealers in the United publisher, 34 and 36 North 30, and receive one by return THE LIFE OF TOM ers, or sen (containing k Tousey, publisher, x 2130) . or sen lisher, yours. ‘* The Life of . O. Box 2730. ork, published on the life of the above well-known comic author, who haye read his will be pleased to have a look into. sixty-four pages), and p: of the aioe ue foyer. Ey ‘our new: er for a ? ny Z Sealers or address Frank ou street, New York. P. 0. Box 2730. TEASER.—A new and elegant book has just been Those laughable stories in the Youna MEN oF AMERICA his private life. The book is largo ly bound, having a portrait eens wants one. Don’t ‘ ce 10 cents. For sale by all naws- sey, publisher, $4 and 86 North M0: THE LIFE OF CORPORAL MORGAN RATTLER.—Tho latest out. We now comply with the request of many of our readers, and publish the life of the above well-known author. © His stories have been universally acknowledged inferior to none, and to the Boys in ; : Rattler has consented to give a history of his 2G should be without one. Price 10 cents.. For sale by all newsdealers, — t-paid, on receipt of price, Address and 36 North Moore street, New York. P,-O. Box cular Gorporay Tousey, ae MULDOON’S JOKES.—This is one of the most original joke books ever published, and is brim full of wit and humor, It contains a } - collection of songs, jokes, conundrums, ete., ef Terence Muldoon, the great wit, humorist and practical jok- . of th amusing book, together with the picture of ‘‘Muldoon,” for the smalk sum of 10 cents. Every petite can should obtain a copy immediately. All or you can obtain it by sending 10 cents to Frank To 86 North Moore street, New York,and you will e day. We offer this: enjoy a substantial joke newsd ers have it for sale, ~ and interesting book on the life ular author. Everybody should for containing alltheinformation d beginners in the r of Peter Pad is displayed in rofession, ‘ NEGRO ACTS, IRISH ACTS, D ACTS, DIA- his popular stories EOGUES, SP. SONGS, JOKES, ETC., ETC. For sale by all newsdealers, or sent from this office on receipt of price, 15 cents, “Ad- Frank Bate publisher, dress Frank Tousey, 34 and 36 North Moore New York. P.Q ventures. No boy usey, publisher, receive it by re- = ‘
Page 32
886 Ere the Flood; or, The Plucky Fight of ay Two Johnstown BOYS. .0ceesee --by R.. T, Emmet $87 Muldoon the polid Man—comic....by Tom Teaser 688 The Boy Star; or, From the Footlights to For- PUNE cccs nsccnspecniestepeceussese DY) Nu 51.000 889 The Young Commander; or, A New York Boy - - fn the Southern War..... «--«-by Ralph Morton 890 Two in a Box; or, The Long and Shert ot is Mt—COMIC. .. .scceeccececsecysese-D¥ TOM Teaser _ 891 The Soldier's Son; or, The Secret of the House of Eight Pines. A Story of New York.. ; ; by C. Little - .# atin Sam the Young Western Sport.......... eS by Paul Braddon ‘The Funny Four—comic..... ssosecee DY Peter Pad $94 The White Queen of the Aztecs; or, Two Yau- kee Boys in Mexico........-...-by R. T. Emmet 895 The Deacon’s Son; or, The Imp of the Village m—=SOMICl acc lecccvsecesdéagedeoseDY TOM. 1eRset 896 The Boy Slave of the Galley; or, The Mystery a of the Treasure Ship.......by Percy B. Ss. John 897 A Bad Egg; or, Hard to Crack—comic....-... a by Tom Teaser 803 Two Years With a Pirate; or, The Prantom ; Ship of the Gold Coast..........by J. G, Bradley $809 Muldoon’s Boarding House-comic.by Tem Teaser ' 900 The Boy Diamond King; or, The Youug ; Monte Cliristo of New York.........by C. Little @01 Ikey;or, He Never Got Left-comic. by Tom Teaser ~ 902 The Armorer’s Son; or, The Mystery of the Z Tower of Londor...........+-+. by Allyp Draper “903 Jimmy Grimes; or, Sharp Smart & Sassy— : COMIC. .ccc.ceecccceegescees-ceeee0¥ TOM Teaser 904 Dick Getaway; or, Fighting for a Portune..... <i by rl ei Morgan Rattler 005 Tom Quick, the Avenger of the Delaware..... = by R. T. Emmet - 906 Sam Switch the Boy Engineer; or, Beginning at the Bottom......+ ---+0- by Albert J. Booth - 007 Daring Dave the Dive The Prince of : SwimMe.s....--0e+-+ woot esesee DY C. Little / 908 Sam; or, The Troublesome Foundling—comic. r by Peter Pad iy n; or, Deadly Grip and His Demop :..by Paul Braddon From Poverty to -«sbdy Jobn Sherman ee Sailor Boy ar by J. G. Bradley 912 Bulger Boom, the Inventor~ comic..by Peter Pad $13 Out in the Streets. A Story of High and Low Life in New York.....-....+-.-+-- woccsatp es by N.S: Wood (The Young American Actor). The Swamp Demon; or, Lost For Two Years by R. T. Emme* «6 Denver Jr., the Stage Driver; or, The Mystery of Golden Gulch .by “ Noname ” _ 916 M3idoon’s Brother Dan—comic...by Tom Teaser 917 Buifalo Bill's Boy Broncho Breaker; or, The “vag Youngest Hero on the Plains..by Pani Braddon ‘911 Foretop Tom; or, Among the Malay Prract.....- 918 A Sailor at Fifteen; or, From Cabin Boy to pal Captain...... «o- -s-sdy J. G. Bradley 919 Henpecked—coin ese eee DY Peter Pad r Boy’s Life in a +.» Gold Secret. by Paul Braddon - 922 Mulddon’s Christmas—co -by Tom Teaser 03 Var Jack the Pirate's Foe; or. The Devil- ish of the Indies.... y Roger Starbuc 924 A Bad Boy at Schocl eo 0y “Et? 925 Mr. McGinty—comic......... y Tom Teaser 926 Lineman Joe, the Boy Telegraph Climber.... te by C. Little 927 Shipped to China; or, The Life of a Ranaway © BOYnscvcccessseces by J. G. Bradley 928 Searching for Stanley; Stevens” Ad- ~~ yentares in Africa.............by R. T. Emmet Sam Ww LATEST ISSUES OF _ The Great 5 Cont Wide Awake Libra. 936 The Walf of Mystery Isiznd; or, The Adven- tures of a Boy Who Was Xidzapped...... by Roger Starbuck 937 The Mystery of the Sealed Door; or, he Old- est House in New York.........by R, T. & 938 Islan! No. 7; or, The Pirates of Lake Michigap by Geo. W. Goode 939 Our Landlord; or, Lite in French Flats—comic by Peter Pad 940 From Jockey to Judge; or, The Boy Who Was Always Ahead.... ny mee Nate canec eeD¥ Ue Lace 941 Alone in New York; or, Ragged Rob the News- boy.by N. S. Wood (The Young American Actor) 942 The Boy Express Messenger; Or, wignsing the Train Robbers. ..+.--s0++-+0-- by John Sherman 943 Next Door; or, The Irish Twins—comic...... by Tom Teaser S1Slocum’s Revenge by Roger Starbuck 945 The Boy in Red; or, The Czar’s Masked Mes- by R. T. Emmet 944 The Limbless Hunter; or, 946 Adriftin the Antarctic; or, Two Years on a Continent Of Ice. .....0+ssee+0-e-2+--by C. Little 947 The Aldermen Sweeneys of New York—comic by Tom Teaser 948 Pawnee Bill; or, The White Chief's First War rail. seseeeesese-bDY Paul Braddon 949 The Boy Showman; or, A Circus Manager at SiXteen....cc cscs ceceeee ...by John Sherinan 250 Tip Top Teddy. the Young Foretopman; or, Four Years Before the Mast.....by J. G. Bradiey 951 Mrs. Browp’s Boarding-House—comic........ by Peter Pad 952 The Boy Sheriff, or, The Regulators of Peco Valley...cccvcseveccevcescccesselY R. T. Emmet 953 The Buried Gold Ship; or, The Sailor Boy's Gh a cdbvcaevceseuce DY C. uit 954 Our Future President; or, The Oak That Came From the Acorn—comic...........hy Peter Pad 955 General Crook’s Boy Guide; or, The Great ; Indian Fighter’s Black Hills Trail.......... by Pau! Braddon 956 Three Yankee Boys in Africa; or, The Giants of the Congo...+....+.....by Percy B, St. John | 987 The fon Surveyor; or, Running Out a Rail- road in the Indian Country...by John Sherman 958 Rob Rounds, the Young Fireman.....by C. Little 959 Muldoon’s Base Ball Clab—comic.bs Tom Teaser 960 Fair-Weather Frank, the Dashing Sailor Boy.. by J. G. Bradley 961 Fagle Dan the Boy Hermit of the Rockies..... by Pau! Braddon 962 Captain Lewis, the Pirate.... wcesssecss DY Co Little 963 Mu!doon’s Base Ball Club in Boston—comic.. by Yom Teaser or, From a Walf to a Million- ”, Captain Will Dayton he cal eee ernnereee le 964 Harry Horton; 965 The Prairie Post Boy; or, Hunters of Apache Land... ......02----bY ‘aul Bracdon 966 Chums to the Death; or, The Adventures of a Boy Marine....../.-.-+.++---by Roger Starbuck 987 Muldoon Abroad—comic......+...by Tom Teaser 968 An Engineer at 18; or, The Boy Driver of the Lightning Express. ...........-.by R- T. Emmet 969 Hardpan Harry, the Hunted Boy; or, A Young New Yorker Among Western Oulaws.. by C. Little 97¢ The Property Roy; or, Before the Footlights and Behind the Scenes.... by N. 5. Wi 971 Maldoon’s Base Ball Club in Philadelphia— COMIC. .ccccececscerececcsoeeeeeesDY TOM Teaser 972 The Mystery of the Fire-Ship; or. A Brave Bo. Sahing Master...............by Roger Sta! ck 973 The Roy Bicycle Scouts; or, On the Wheel Among the Redskins..........by Paul Braddon 974 Rob Ruler, the Circus Equestrian; or, Two Years Under the Canvas.... =P Geo. W. Goode 975 The Shortys’ Minstrels; or, Working the Same Old Rackets—comic.......«..-.0.--by Peter Pad 976 The Tunnel Under the Sea; or, The Adventures of Two Drowned Boys. ........by R. T. Emmet 977 Pawnee Bill Doomed; or, The Great Scout in No Man's Land..............+-by Paul Braddon 978 The Boffalo Hunters; or, Wild Life on the Ptalns. ...ceoesscceeceeessss-by Robert Maynant 979 Little Tommy Bounce; or, Something Like His Dad— by Peter Pad re Trove; or, The Buccaneers of the G. Bradley COMIC. .00. cece sececcsrecseees 980 The Treasu Gulf. doe cant badcsccccecsesoesees UY Uo 981 Alone on a Wreck; or, The Mystery of a Seut- tled Ship .....ssececeeeceseesees by R. T. Wmme 982 Dan Darling’ ; or, Three Boys" Lucky Vacation ... jeceee-D¥ H, K. Shacgleford 983 Muldoon‘s Picnic—comic..........by Tom Teaser 984 Luke J.ines, the Boy Stage Driver: or, The Four-in-Hand of Kéno Camp...by Pan} Braddor 985 Jockey Jim, the Daring Boy Rider; or, Win- ning His Fortune in the Saddle.. ........- by Robert Maynard 986 The Lost Boy Captain; or, The Secret of the Hidden Whirlpool..........by Roger Starbuck 987 Honest Jack Jarrett; or, How He Made His MONCY. .cvecssccocesssceee DY H. Ry Shackleford 988 Rob Rivers, the Raft Boy; or, Log Driving on the Missouri River.............by R, T. Emme? 989 Muldoon the Cop, Part 1.—comic..by Tom Teaser 990 Mufidoon the Cop, Part 1I.—comic..by Tom Teaser 991 The Boy Wrecker; or, ‘The Young Pilot of the Breakers......e.--esee-- oes DY Roger Starbuck 992 Born to be Rich; or, A Boy’s Adventures in Wall Street..............--by H. K. Shackleford 993 Frank Reade, Jr., and Bis Queen Clipper ot the Clonds—Part I............--by “ Noname” 994 Frank Reade, Jr., and His Queen Clipper of the Clouds—Part [I,..........:- by “ Noname ** 995 The Boy Lawyer; or, Fighting For a Stolen b T. Emmet Rattler uD Tapp Soy Braddon 3 or, The Smug- ‘oast..... by Roger Starbuck Ci oe by Tom Teaser Muldoon’s Grocery Store—comic.. Part I.. Tom Teaser Frank Reade, Jr., and His Monitor of the ‘Air; or, Helping a Friend im Need.by. “Noneme” Gerald O’Grady’s Grit; or, The, Branded Jrish Lad.......----by Corporal Morgan Rattrer Denver Dan, the Silver King; or, The Richest Lode in Nevada,........by ““Nename” 1010 Six Weeks in the Saddle; or, The Adventures of a Boys’ Riding School,.......by R. T. Exmet 1011 The Traveling Dude; or, The 1009 Comical Adyen- tures of Clarence Fi Roy Jones—comic M 1012 Black Brow, the Pirate; the Dark River..--«... 1013 phe Yankee Yach ‘om Teaser est on the Stag: 1020 Frank Reade, J or, The Great Inventor Among 1021 Two Boy Wanderers; or, The Lost T-land....... --. «os eee DY C. tric Alr Yacht: the Aztecs 1023 The Unknown. ..-.+.-+ 1024 The Comical Advent COTMIC . 20+ ee sseee 1025 Cast Adrift; cr, One oe teen eeee by J. G. Bradie}