Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, May 1922
The text was read from the page scans by machine (OCR), so it has mistakes and its columns may run together. See the pages · About this title · At the Internet Archive
Page 1
VoUIl May, 1922 No. 33
Page 2
"Queen Summer Resort of the Northern Pines o{ Minnesota" ' Whiz Bang Bill Announces Opening of the 1922 Season BREEZY POINT LODGE Get close to nature! Surrounded by health-giving pine trees and -factng on a white sandy beach of a clear water lake. Breezy Point Lodge offers to the .crowded city folic a comfortable haven in the northern woods of Minnesota. Fill your lungs with the invigorating balm of the Pine forest and east your fly at the greatest of all sport fish— the black bass or throw out your trolling line from one of our boats and feel' the exhilaration of a fight with a Great Northern pike or pick- erel. The best bass fishing lake to be found anywherfe. Fine sandy beach for bathing, with pier, water slide, diving floats and surf boards, boating of all kinds, trap shooting, tennis courts, indoor baseball diamond, saddle horses, golf course in construction, passenger carrying aeroplane, large new log fcon- structed club house for dancin.g. You may hunt the wily partridge, prairie chicken. wIM diicks and geese in season. Big Pelican Lake is noted for the un- usually large variety of wild northern ducks, and its natural wild game "Passes," A new v/ell appointed cafe In connection. For further inFormation write to W. H. FAWCETT, Owner Pequot or Robbinsdale, Minn.
Page 3
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang llll!l!IIIIIIIIIII[llllllllllilllllllinillllllllllllllUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!l!IIIlllllllIIIIIIIIIIIII»llllllllllllllllllllllllllW America's Magazine of Wit, Humor and Filosophy MAY, 1922 Vol. III. No. 33 Published Tyy 14 XTa-vur-e^i-i- =' Robbinsdale. Monthly "• *^» TaWCett, Minnesota iiTiiiiiiiiiiiitunnf»iiiiiriiiiiiii:r<iiiiiitiit Entered as second-class matter May, !, 1920. at the postoffice at Robbinsdale. Minnesota, under the Act of March 3. 1879. Price 25 cents $2.50 per year ONE DOLLAR FOR THE WINTER ANNUAL Contents of this magazine are copyrighted. Republication of any part permitted when properly credited to Capt. Billy's Whiz Bang. iiiiiiiriiitHiiiiiiir;
Page 4
"We have room for but one soul loyalty and that ia loyalty to the American people. — Theodore Roosevelt. Copyright 1922 By W.H. Fawcett Captain Billy's Wliiz Bang employs no solicitors. Subscriptions may be received only at authorized news stands or by direct mail to Robbinsdale. We join in no clubbing offers, nor do we give premiums. Two-fifty a year in advance. Edited by a Spanish and World War Veteran and dedicated to the fighting forces of the United States
Page 5
i;iiiiiiiijniiiniiiiiiinttroHiiniriitiiiitiHi:ii:: !iimitaiii:iiiiimi"ni'ii Captain Billy's ^)[|,[z,jBang Siiiiniiiiiiiimiiiiiiraiiiiiii iiiniiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiinniililiniiiiiiiitiiiiiiiiiimiiic ..iimiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii in iimiuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiwiiiiiiiiiwifflil I Drippings From the Fawcett j IminiiiiiiiiiiiNii nil iiiiiiiiiiiiiiBiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiKii!! iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimii iiiiiiiBiiiiii:iiiiiiiiimiiiiiiiiiiniinna Editor's Note: Greetings to Whiz Bang readers. Got hack from Cuba a tnotith ago but was treated so royally in Havana by Frank Briien and Horace Stonehani of the Oriental race-track that it ha^ taken time to recuperate. Well, Boys and Girls, we're on the job again. The old farm is still here and Pedro, Jr., is hale, hearty, healthy, fully-developed and rariii' to go. In fact, all we lack to make life really pleasant is Gus, our old hired man. He's in Los Angeles now and I hope some kind reader will look hipi tip and tell him the fishing season opens soon in Minne- cotci. Gus' letter, poem and address are given in this issue. Today I had to desert the old barnyard for a visit to the pressrooin to "make-up" the May number. It's my first visit to tlie antiquated rotary press since we put the Winter Annual to sleep last fall. But I'll be on the job, I hope, for a couple more months. A Merry Christmas to all is ike ardent wish of Skipper Bill.- * * * C">( ENTLE readers, if we could only find T space in our little family journal, there is nothing we would like better than to publish some of the hundreds of letters of various brands which fall into our rural mail box whenever our Robbinsdale train takes a notion to drop off a sack of mail. However, we will give you a sample of one of them from New York which greeted me the other morn- ing—
Page 6
'iiaiiiiituiiiiiiniiiri Captain Billy's Whiz Bang Dear Captain Bill — ^Just received your "Winter An- nual." After some watchful waiting' the critter arrived safe this morning. I was just beginning to think I wasn't going to get the pesky bull, when the big' feller bounded through the doorway and bounced me on the bean. I want to speak right out loud and say he's grown to be a pretty big boy since I saw him first. I wish to thank you very liquidly for the refreshing refreshments of your "Bull and Bullets," Bill. I'm just after imbibing in a large and juicy snootful of "Memory Eraser" and I'll say the snootfuls I take will make a guy do a lot of funnj'' things he wouldn't do if he was sober. But how can you help it these dark and gloomy days? Show me and I'll tell you where I get it. The way I feel this day of our Lord I just know if I imbibe much more of this liquid gargle that is within my unsteady reach I'm just a going to be laying on my back purring- with con- ■-teiitment or kicking blue elephants and pink mosquitoes off^the~-foot of my bed. I don't know how it is out your way, but since this old burg- of ours went dry, it's tough to keep sober if you've got the price, and yet those narrow-contracted, near-sighted, weak-minded reptiles who call themselves reformers belch forth in loud cadenzos that New York is dry. Down in the district where I work is known to the world as "Hell's Kitchen." You never hear tell of any of these paid reformers coming down here to tell the gang that a "nut sundae" can take the place of a pint of beer after a hard day's work. Oh, no, not them birds, they're too wise for that; they're hip to the fact that the minute they opened their beaks in this district they'd be treated rough. Rave on, you say. I can't, the stuff has begun to work, 'cause I'm skipping words like everything. I really believe your bull has started more poets, who worked at their trade as boilermakers once, to writing poems than anything I can think of at the present time. For instance, I've got a guy working for me who was a
Page 7
Captain Bill's Whiz Bang 5 . darn good porter until he got to reading the "Whiz Bang," I just can't do anything with him. The only way I can get him to manicure the office is to bat him over the head with something and steal his little bull. The otiier day he sure got my goatee, whiskers and all. I couldn't find him for over an hour. At last I discovered liim sitting behind a door busily scribbling on a piece of old wrapping paper. I was so mad I didn't wait for any- tiiing, I just knocked him for a goal. While he was quiet and peaceful I picked up the paper that flew out of his hand when I winged him and I'm a son-of-a-sea- sucker if he wasn't writing poetry — here below is a sample of what he calls Hot Corn Kid / knozv a girl named Dorothy, Por short I call her Dot, Sh^ only likes her "Cone Pones" And always wants them hot. She Hkes them fat and greasy. She likes fhetn large or small. For that girl sure likes her hot corn; She eats them cobs and all. Now that you've read it, do you, or do you not think that I was right for treating him as I did? Kindly advise me if it is within 3^our power to suggest some method of which I may break him of this habit. Now don't sug- gest cutting his hands oft", because as I said before, he's a dang good porter and he'll need his hands to manicure the office with. Now that I've got this mess off or my chest, here's hoping you dug your cellar deep enough be- fore it went into effect. I am as ever. Yours Boozologically, Adam Sourguy. P. S.— If yctti ever come to New York, look me up. I know where I can get a good drink for two-bits 3)^1. It's a long walk, but I can get it. D. R Murray.
Page 8
6 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang aiiltiiilliiililillllKllilillltMlllllllillllllltliillilMllllltlllilltlllillllillliliiii GUS, who at one time deeora'ted our kitchen floor with mud dragged in from the barn- yard, has temporar-'y received a set back in his ambitions to be a Loa^'as Fairbanks or Tom Mix. We have just recer ad a letter from Gus from Los Angeles. "I have been working at the studios since you were here, Bill, but I am back to painting houses again," Gus writes. "I promised you I would send in my original poem about 'The Effects of Pedro' and so I am enclosing it. Ex- pect to stay here this summer as it is too far to Breezy Point Lodge to work for my board, as you said in the December issue of Whiz Bang. No Indian guide for me on an empty stomach. Had a letter from Maggie (our cook who is responsible for Gus staying with us for four or five years) and she says it is a disgrace how our old neighbor's daughter, Lindy Miller, dresses. Maggie evidently saw Lindy in her "coming out" dress. Best regards to Deacon Miller and be sure and take good care of Pedro Junior." Your X hired man, GUS. (Bill: The X is not a kiss.) Gus adds his address which we are giving so that our Los Angeles friends can look him up and perhaps get him back in the studios and relieve him of the monotonous job of painting colonial garages or Los Angeles barns, and that is 203 West Sixteenth Street, Apartment 11, .,.«!
Page 9
Captain Bill's Whiz Bang Gus must be getting into the class now, as when he was on the Whiz Bang Farm his apartment was No. 12. We have eleven stalls downstairs and the twelfth apartment is up in the hay loft. Here follows the latest effusion of Gus' poetic nature — The Effects of Pedro / was standing in the barnyard On a moonlight summer's night, I heard a mournful, groaning sound. It filled me full of fright. -^^^^ Then all was still and from the hill ^^ heard a bawling calf, An^d'-^ike a goodly shepherd I went and got my staff. I climbed the slope and what a joke. If would have made you laugh; 'Twos no other than the Hereford, A likkin' her new calf. "¥ ^ ^ A young couple on their honeymoon stopped off at Buffalo for a few days to take in the Falls. One evening while Friend Wife was dressing for dinner, her hubby picked up a copy of the Whiz Bang. Presently the bride tiptoed over to his chair and glanced over his shoulder. "Heavens!" she exclaimed, "I see I've married a bookworm!" ^ ^- ^ Our only Robbinsdale bachelor-farmer was recently pinched for making a "sour mash." He fell in love with Neighbor Smith's widow.
Page 10
8 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang iiiiMtiiiiiiiiiiiiiMiiirtiiiiiiiiiir 0 MANY publications have sprung into the field since Whiz Bang first made its bounce around the world that it is hard for Dea- con Miller and myself to keep track of them. The Deacon was in Minneapolis the other day and his Ford broke down in front of Chris. Corey's drug store. The Deacon wrestled un- der the Ford for a half hour until his hands got black with grease and he hied himself into the drug store to buy some "magic soap." "Have you any Whizz, Skat, or Jack Rab- bit?" he inquired. "No," replied the girl clerk, "But I have Whiz Ban^ And while^we're on the subject permit us to add that we hiave no connection whatever with any other publication save Capt. Billy's Whiz Bang and True Confessions, our new magazine soon to make its appearance on the news stands. True Confessions magazine will be approxi- mately double the size of our present little bundle of bull, and we are now offering ten thousand dollars in prizes for good stories. * * * Our esteemed contemporary. Brother F. M. Hubbell, editor of the Robbinsdale Weekly Re- view, arises to inform: "Now that there are no longer faces on the barroom floor and curfews don't ring tonight, the elocutionist has abandoned his job and may be found playing a sobbing saxaphone."
Page 11
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang iitiiiiiiiriiitiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin Barbers, Read This One It was perhaps the rough mountaineer's first visit to a tonsorial parlor. After the bar- ber had shaved his face and scented him up sweetly, he inquired, "Want your neck shaved?" "Oh, I guess you mought as well," was the reply, as the man turned over on his stomach. * * * Chapter I "Bang!" A shot rang out upon the still midnight air, and Faro Phil, the gambler, fell prone across the green baize of the gambling table, five aces fluttering from his nerve- less digits. Look Me Over, Sister "Well, who are you?" she inquired as he suddenly blundered into the room unannounced. "Me? Why, sister, I'm the answer to a maiden's prayer. Look me over." Who Can Finish This One? 'Tzvas a hot Auqust day, that from Pittsburg, P. A., Mike's bootleg drove up in her car. And she fell in a swoon on that hot afternoon. On the sidewalk in front of Mike's bar; And Bill, zvith a grin, rubbed gin on her shin. And he propped her head up on the sod; She opened her "glim"; threw her "lamps" onto him And he sazv his old broad labeled Maud. * * * The most beautiful sight in nature is a woman with grace in her step. Heaven in her eyes, and a baby in her arms.
Page 12
10 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang .1 itiiliiiimniiiiitlllliilliliiiiiMimiiimiiiiiiHiiiiitiMilKiiir Ikey Believes It Now Bob Sievier tells a rather humorous story in a recent issue of The Winning Post regard- ing the recent violent outbreaks of sectarian feeling now going on in Ireland. "The Irish difficulties," says Bob, "bring to mind a story of the Irishman who converted the Jew. Pat wa^^ a ferryman, and it was while he was ferrying the Hebrew across the river that a hot theological argument arose- Presently the Irishman, full of zeal for the true faith, seized the Jew and plunged him- into the water. "Do ye belave?" he roared, as the Israelite's head appeared above the surface. "No," spluttered Isaac. "Thin down ye go again," and once more the stubborn one was submerged. "Do ye belave?" asked Pat again. "No, no," obstinately replied the Jew, gasp- ing and shivering with cold and fright, but tenacious of his religion. The process was repeated till the wretched Jew in mortal fear, spluttered out a "Yes" in reply to the remorseless Irishman's question. "Then die in the faith!" shouted the zealot, as he thrust his convert below the surface for the last time. Maggie, our cook, told me the other night that she quit school early in life to take up cooking because she just hated, fractions and square root.
Page 13
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 11 - - - inHiiiiiimimimiiiiruiiiiMiniHnion^inniiniiiHuitiiriiiitmiimiiniimimnniuiJiiiKUimmumitiiiimmmiiiiiitiiiiuiiiuiiiiiint iiiiiiitiiiiui piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiituiiiiiiiiiiiitiiiiMiiiinniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!^ I Hollywood Flirtations | iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiinniiiiiiiiiinHmiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiim SINCE theNTaylor murder case burst into headlines, inovie directors in Hollywood have just been annoyed to death. Every- one's asking to have their letters and pink nighties returned! * * * MARSHALL NEILAN and Blanche Sweet are seen together again almost every evening. Even when they go to big par- ties they dance every number together! * * * Charlie Chaplin ha^s again upset all bets by beginning to call frequently on Lila Lee these days. ♦ * * DANA TODD used to escort Gloria Swan- son and Elinor Glynn everywhere last winter, but just now he's going in for singles again. Marjorie Daw is the chosen lady. 3f: ^ ^ MAURICE, former husband of Florence Walton, the dancer, is whirling Con- stance Talmadge about the slippery floors just now. Socially speaking, of course, not professionally.
Page 14
12 ^^B^^^" ^'%'^ ^'"'^ ^""^ THE gossips h^ye it that Jack White is a cave man. Pauline Starke, they say, has rejected Jack twice for his cave man ten- dencies, but, we've again seen them dancing together of late. LOS ANGELES papers had no sooner printed thB^delicious secret concerning forthcoming wedding plans of George Walsh and Estelle Taylor, than Seen a Owen took a transcontinental and arrived in Holly- wood to announce that as far as she knew she hadn't yet had a divorce from Mr. Walsh! These little trivialities are so upsetting! * * * CC^ i ^ HE good God made me, managers played I me and I fought to the front with my back," says Kitty Gordon. "Now I crave a real American husband."' Kitty now awaits her divorce from Lord Henry Beresford of London, and announces she will next wed Ralph Eanlet, a real honest- to-goodness New York business man. * * ij: IF you'll refer to your last summer's issues of Whiz Bang you will find that this astute little family journal reported that Herbert Rawlinson was playing about Catalina with a number of adoring young debutantes and that friend wife, Roberta Arnold, didn't seem to be anywhere about. We "smelled a mouse" even as far back as last August. Her-
Page 15
Captain B iVhiz Bang 13 ■iiii);iiijiiiiiiiii.:uitiiniitimnnnitHmitiiiliiimirimi:.i)ii..iti:iiirTiiiiniiiiiiuiit bert has ii ed suit for divorce, charging deser- tion. THE "eyes" have it that Marshall Neilan is ...^idng amorously toward Gloria Svv'Lvnsoti these days. He gave a dinner party wi ]■ Gloria as guest of honor on New Year's E''<:, at the Midwick Country Club in Pasadena - d the^ have been other affairs of more info ''nal nature. Blanche Sweet pro- tests, not ; '^vays too gently or without earshot of others. Blanche, you see, has done her duty. She has beyn quite constant to Marshall since the days his first wife began blocking his divorce plans and said she never would give him his freedom. The divorce has since taken place, however. Marshall is free, but although he is often seen with Blanche as in the old days, the culmination of their romance has not taken place. It is gossiped about Hollywood that Blanche is none too pleased and friends fear fireworks. James Young, now neatly redivorced, dances often with Virginia Faire. Pretty Marjorie Daw steps about with Johnny Harron. * * * Grace Darmond's $10,000 home in Hollywood was recently sold at auction. Grace reports the need of a trip to Europe. ^ ^ H^ Thh is. no hitll. Just a hum steer.
Page 16
14 •miiiimiiiiriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimiiiiiiiuuiiuiiimiiiuiiiiiiiniiiiiiiniitiiiiiriiiiitiiiiiKiiiiiiJtiiiiiiii Captain Billy's Whiz Bang iiiiit(i1iTriYifinifi«iitiiniiitiiti>iii»i< The Quitter By Robert W. Service From Rhymes of a Rolling Stone — By permission of the publishers of Service's Works, Barse & Hopkins, 21-39 Division Street, Newark, N. J. When you're lost in the Wild, and you're scared as a cbild. And Death looks you bang in the eye. And you're sore as a boil, it's according to Hoyle To cock your revolver and . . die. But the Code of a Man says: "Fight all you can," And self-dissolution is barred, In hunger and woe, oh, It's easy to blow . . . It's the hell-served-for-breakfast that's hard. "You're sick of the game!" Well, now, that's a shame. You're young and you're brave and you're bright. "You've had a raw deal!" I know — but don't squeal. Buck up, do your damndest, and fight. It's the plugging away that will win you the day. So don't be a piker, old pard! Just draw on your grit, it's so easy to quit; It's the keeping-your-chin-up that's hard. It's easy to cry that you're beaten — and die; It's easy to crawfish and crawl; But to fight and to fight when hope's out of sight — Why, that's the best game of them all! And though you come out of each gruelling bout, All broken and beaten and scarred, Just have one more try — ^it's dead easy to die. It's the keeping-on-living that's hard. Ne ^ ^ Fade Away He approached her with a look of tender- ness in his eyes. "Darling," he began, as he started to encircle her waist with his arms — "Put on your brakes, kiddo," she interrupted, "you're nearing a dangerous curve." * * * It used to be wine, women and song, but now it is near-beer, your own wife, and community singing.
Page 17
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 15 iiiiiiiii^iiriiiLiiiiiimmiiiiiiiimmMiiimwuwiii": '<'<'M.:jii'[.iiiiT'iiiitiiiiiiiniMiMiirininiiniimMiiii[iiimiliiimillir!:!i:::Krrfurii::i:;rir:t:aiT"i:tiiin;::!ilUKi:iiitiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiui A Lovely Program It was at a hop where the name of each waltz on the program was inscribed against the number, and he strolled up to her and asked for a dance or two. She handed him her card. "May I have 'Nights of Gladn6ss'?" she in- quired, pencil in hand. "Certainly,^' she replied with a far away look in her eyes. Then she glanced at her card again. "That comes after 'A Thousand Kisses,' doesn't it?" ■■!:■ ^ * His Only Weakness A little group was sitting on the veranda of a country club one day, and one of the party, a girl with very short skirts was sitting oppo- site a Scotchman. Every little while the girl would pull her skirts down over her knees and the Scotchman, noticing this, said, "It's all right, me lass, me only weakness is whusky." Our Monthly Motto Never look upon a son beam with moonshine. * * :;•: Pelican insists that Noah should have thrown his hyenas overboard — they were the laughing-stock of the ark. * * * She was as pure as the driven snow until an auto splashed mud all over her.
Page 18
16 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang iMiiiiiiiiiiriiiiiiiniiiiiiitiimiriiittttiiiiiiiiiiriiitiiiimiriiiiiitiiiimiiiiiiiiiiii Biblical Ball Players An elderly Negro preacher suggested to his flock that they engage in a baseball game — the proceeds to be used in repairing their church edifice. Several deacons strenuously objected, insisting that this money-ma<king scheme was too sacriligious. The colored sky pilot answered the opposition by telling them he could prove by the Bible that baseball was played at the beginning of the world, or rather when this ball of mud was first finished. Here was his defense: Eve stole first and Adam stole second. Saint Peter umpired the game, Rebecca went to the well with a pitcher. While Ruth in the field won fame; Goliath was struck out by David, A base hit made on Abel by Cain, The Prodigal Son made one home run. Brother Noah gave out checks for rain. The Two Voices By George W. Lyon. Out of the atoms of earth we come. Back to the atoms of earth we go; Out of the dark of earth to light, Back to the dark of earth and night. Life is a problem^ and death is its sum — • Out of the atoms of earth we come. Back to the atoms of earth we go. Out of the clod is sped the soul. Back to the Giver of Life to go; Out of the shade of earth and night. Back to the glow of realms in light Free is the wine from the clay of the bowl — ' Out of the clod is sped the soul. Back to the Giver of Life to go. * * * Policemen and clergymen and motion picture people are human but more is expected of them along "statutory" lines.
Page 19
Captain Bill])'s Whiz Bang ^ 17 iiiiiiMinMiMiiiiniiucnniMiiniiiiiniiMiiiiiJiiMiMiiitiniiiniiniiJiiMiniinniiuiiMiridntiuiiiuniiunuimhllfiniiminimiininiiniiimiiiiimiiiitnMiiMiMMm pllllllllllllllllllllillllllUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIilllllUllllilllllllllllllllllll^^^^ I Questions and Answers | liiuiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiNiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiii^ Dear Sill — What would you consider as be- ing the height of absurdity? — Ivegon Buggs. How about the oil stock man who married a woman for her money only to learn later that she had invested it all in oil stocks? 55: Sj! ^ Dear Missus Billy — Do you know anything about stews. — Embryo Cook. Yes, I ought to; I married one. * iJS IjC Dear Skipper — What is happier than a little boy on Christmas morn? — August Fuerst. Now, August, if you'll wait till September I'll be glad to answer your query. Dear Capt. Billy — Did you meet any stage robbers when you were out West? — Dainty Marie. Yes, I took a couple of chorus girls to dinner. H^ ^ ^ Capt. Billy — What is an undertaker? — Mike Howe. An undertaker is a man who follows the medical profession.
Page 20
18 iimii]Ti:iiiiiiiiiittiiiiii!i:iiiitirti Dearest Capt. Billy — What is so rare as a day in June? — Tessie. A red-headed Chinaman. H: ^ $ Dear Bill — I don't have a pedigreed bull, but I do happen to have a pedigreed goat, and the other day I fed him two pounds of nails and a tomato can. Do you think this will hurt him any? — Nanny. The nails won't hurt him any, but the to- mato can. * * * Dear Billy — What should I do if a good looking young man tries to kiss me? — Gertie. Hold still. * * * Dear Capt. Billy — Why does a chicken cross the road? — Cradle Kicker. Because it has a fowl mind. * * * Dear Capt. Billy — Have just moved into Robbinsdale and I am puzzled to know who the mysterious man is who passes our house every day carrying a bag of letters and wearing a gray suit. — Bada Bjornstad. As our friend, Lena Fickle, once answered this inquiry, "Shoot him, he's a Confederate soldier. The Civil War was a frame-up." Down E. Nest — Where do we keep Pe o, our bull? In a pen, of course.
Page 21
Captain Bill's Whiz Bang 19 iiiiiiiiiiiiiimiiiiiiiiiiiiii Some People Believe This A man was zigzagging homeward. "What's the matter with that fellow over there — the one that's holding onto the lamp post just now? Didn't you see him try to walk along a while ago? "Well," said the policeman, "there was a time when I would have said he was drunk; but now I suppose he's rehearsing the memories of the past." * Jf! * They tell us about an absent-minded professor of mathematics, who picked up a hair brush instead of a mirror, looked at the brush and murmured: "I certainly DO NEED a shave !" H: sj! * She (bringing in refreshments) — Do you care for rolls? He — Oh, this is so sudden ! * =:< * Bring On the Bottle She — You are not feeling well tonight, are you, dearie? He — I haven't started yet! 4: ^ ^ Waiter's Song That's Peggy's Oatmeal. ^ Hi ^ Valparaiso's Song Why waste your time with her? There's one born every minute.
Page 22
2& Captain Bill's Whiz Bang ^initiiiiiittltllitiiittH' i.iiuniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii ^/ Wisest He l The titles quoted under the caption, "Wisest He," are I from the pen of the late Joaquin Miller. The poem is in { the nature of a tribute to Peter Cooper, philanthropist and f himianitarian of earlier days. Honor and glory forever more To this good man gone to rest; I Peace on the dim Plutonian shore; ,- Best in the land of the blest. I reckon him greater than any man That ever drew sword in war; Nobler, better than king or khan. Better, wiser by far. Aji'e, wisest he in this whole wide land Of hoarding till bent and gray: For all you can hold in your cold, dead hand- Is what you have given away. ^ iii ii: Filosophy of the Bat Men take to a double life like women do to a kimona. * * * The doctor is the perambulator of bedside gossip. sJt :!? sji Women are the only real detectivies outside the profession. ^ ^: sf: What with bank robbers, income taxes and the bolshe\dki, the only way to keep your money is to spend it. ^ ^ ^ Even a deaf and dumb girl can say "prunes" when she wants to be kissed.
Page 23
Captain Billys Whiz Bang 21 piniiiillilMiiiranuiinmmuiininiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiniiiiiiiiiniiiiiiinin I Castilian Cankers | liiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin BY REV. "GOLIGHTLY" MORRILL Pastor of the People's Church, Minneapolis, Minn. TRAVELERS do not tarry long in the old walled city of Toledo, Spain, for there is a placard on the entrance gate prohibit- ing swearing and lying within. Quite fitting, for Spaniards lie easily, and Spanish oaths are untranslatable, heaping filth on man and God. I pho.toed a realistic fountain-statue that would drive an American reformer to drink. It is very European in its artistry and recalled the little Manikin a,t Brussels. In this antique town reigned Roderick, last of the Goths. As usual, a woman was the cause of his fall. His sharp eye was as keen for feminine chai'ms as a Toledo blade, and w'hen he saw the daughter of Count Julian bathing in the golden Tagus, he proceeded to carry out the moving Bible story of David and Bathsheba. The train ride to Burgos was only a night, but proved to me the tortures of the Inquisition were not abolished. The statues along the banks of the Arlanzon had lost their noses, >vhether from frost-bite or the prevailing Span-
Page 24
22 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang iiii>inTTTr)iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii:iiiiiiiniini:i: ish disease, I know not. Burgos is a storied city, the birthplace of the Cid and site of the finest Gothic cathedral in Europe. The gar- goyle sculptures are fantastic but not more so than the grotesque and horrible beggars that besiege you everywhere. They look as if roasted on Hell's gridiron, and resemble the prize pro- ductions of the Comprachicos who, in the sev- enteenth century, carried on the trade of kid- napping, marring and mutilating children to furnish ugly dwarfs for the kings. With their sores and smells they suggested ambulatory hospitals. Barcelona is the liveliest city in the land, the heart, lungs and liver of Spain. Splendid are its churches, museum, art gallery, Colon statue, parks, prados, bull-rings and Liceo, largest theatre in the world. Its harbor is filled with ships from every clime, and its slums harbor every known vice and crime. Some of the side streets are as dangerous as those in London and Sydney. Off the Rambla you step into a rathskellar — a meeting place of the demimonde — incongruously fitted out in the style of a mediaeval church. Printed catalogs are furnished travelers with lists of bad houses, with names and accomplishments of inmates. Cabarets open about 10:30 and run till 3:00 A. M., with dance hall and roulette tables in conjunction. Everywhere you see "posadas," infamous inns of liaison, and there are dives where "living pictures" of Sapphic and Sadie i
Page 25
Captain Bi7Zt;'s Whiz Bang 2B\ love are posed and acted with all the cynical callousness of ancient Alexandria and Rome. It is not unusual for a poor girl to go insane, but instead of being sent to an asylum, she is locked in an attic room to suffer and shriek, often startling the revellers below. Here are hag-procuresses who, for 100 pesetas, will bring- to their places any girl, rich or poor, whom you may have taken a fancy to on the street. On the Paralelo I dropped into a Spanish music hall, with the French name of Moulin Rouge, and saw some girls cavort around half-naked on the stage. They shook their bared breasts while the house shook with laughter. In Val- encia dance-halls some are only clothed with a cutaneous eruption. They are only paid about 15 pesetas a month by the management, so after their act they come up into the gallery boxes and make assignations with admirers. The best show is usually in the boxes, not on the stage, where a few extra pesetas, the bonita muchachas will expose their hidden charms. Such naive animalism, such amiable iniquity leads one to think Aristotle was right when he devoted a chapter to woman in his "History of Animals." I was not sorry to leave this ex- hibition of galvanized gyrating, which lacked the passionate boldness and voluptuous supple- ness of the dancing of southern Spain. When the sunshine and shadow of Spain are forgotten, one thing will remain. Just be- fore sailing, I tossed a silver coin on the wharf
Page 26
24 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang lurtirntiittiimrdiimiiiiriiiiiriiiriiiiiirtiiiiiiiliiiiiiiiiiiritiiiriiiiiiniiiiiiriiiliii I, to an old fellow, bare-headed, bare-footed, I hairy-chested and picturesquely robed in a ragged serape. He smiled, danced, sang and politely refused the money. The Spanish roust- abouts laughed and said he was crazy. Per- haps, but he seemed happier than many money- mad Americans I know. iff ^ ^ There Was An Old Geezer There was an old geezer and he had a wooden leg. No tobacco could he borrow, no tobacco could he beg;. But another old geezer was as cunning as a fox. And he always had tobacco in his old tobacco box. Said the first old geezer, "Will you give me a chew?" Said the second old geezer, "No, darn me if I do; Go save up your money, go save up your rocks, And youll always have tobacco in your old tobacco box." ^ ^ ^ Yiddish Salesmanship Cohen demonstrated Yiddish salesmanship to his son, Abie. Lady Customer — Three dollars for this silk? Why, I bought some last week for two dollars! Cohen — ^I know that. Lady, but the silk worms in the old country are dying out and the price of silk is going up. The lady bought the silk, and another cus- tomer came in to buy some tape. Abie was a quick learner. When she complained at the price of the tape, Abie replied : "I know that. Lady, but the tape worms in the old country are dying out, and the price of tape is going up." V
Page 27
Captain Bill's Whiz Bang 25 mililimiiinmiiKiir Fable of the Silly Ass Long, long ago, the Bear, the Fox, and the Ass were walking by the edge of a wood when the notes of a horn rang clear and melodious from amid the trees. "Oho, a horn!" quoth Reynard. "That means that they will hunt me. I'm off." And he soon became a little red streak on the hillside. "Aha, a horn!" quoth Bruin. "That means they will beat me to make me dance. I'm off." And the Bear lumbered away. "What oh, a horn!" soliloquised the Ass, thus left solitary. "That means music, and music means dancing, and where there's danc- ing there's flirting ! I'm staying here." And that Ass thoroughly enjoyed himself. * * * Beautiful if True If the whole world came and said Unkind things of you. And they all deserted you. And friends were mighty few. If the very angels turned Away from yon I'd take you in my arms And still believe you true. « * « Little Johnny had pla,yed hookey so he forged this absence note, supposedly sent from his mother: "Please forgive Johnny's absence Wednesday as it was Good Friday and he went to church." / /
Page 28
26 "^^^^^Cap/ain Bill^f's Whiz Bang riinnriiimiiiintriiiiiiitiiiniiiiiiiiuiiiiititiiiJtitiilm [[rrrilliiiiiiiriril Land of the Grape and Tea Here is "The Song of the Moonshiners" that was recently read into the Congressional Rec- ord by Senator Stanley of Kentucky: "My country 'tis of thee, Land of grape Juice and tea. Of thee I sing. Land where we all have tried To break the law and lied, From every mountain side The bootlegs spring. "My native country thee, ^ Land of home brewery, Thy brew I love. I love thy booze and thrills And thy illicit stills, The moonshine runs in rills From high above." * * * Oh, Farmer, Farmer Sit On Your Fence Farmer Brown is shiftless, With work he's always late; A storm blew all his fences down, And he couldn't propagate. ^ ^ ^ A Boozehound's Lament Jam comes from fruit, says Jim, From hogs we get our hams; He says with equal vim, Wetgoods give him Jimjams. Whiz Bang Health Hint Yes, Madge, walking sometimes keeps one from becoming fat. * * * To make a Roman punch — call him a liar.
Page 29
Captain Bill's Whiz Bang 27 iiiiiiiiiiiiiintiiiiiiiiiiiiiitiiMiiKiiMittiiiiriiiniitimiiiiii The Modern Don Quixote Written for the Whiz Bang by the author of "The Face Upon the Floor." By H. A. D'Arcy. Sir Sycophant Smug, of doubtful renown, Was probably raised in a jerk-water town, He early resolved he would make a great name, And slyly looked out to accomplish the same. A slacker at heart, he refused to think Of soiling his hands with hammer or ink. When they asked him to work, he tossed up his head. And declared he would be a reformer instead. "I intend to do something for evil or good. Some graft that will make me a rich livelihood." A brilliant idea came into his mind. No piker reward, but millions behind. "The morality game is an excellent bet, And the suckers will swarm to get into my net, I will go for the babies who live at their ease, With my gift of the gab I can easily squeeze Their cheque books and purses of money galore. If I tell them I want to give help to the poor." The scheme that this gay Don Quixote now planned ' Was to stop all the drinking of booze in the land. No wine. Beer or Spirits should cheer the poor guy. Unless he were rich and could seize a supply. He closed the saloons and promised in time, To show dancing an evil and kissing a crime. A ban on tobacco, if possibly made. Would bring him a fortune from chewing gum trade. Base-ball he'd abolish, the joy of the fan. In fact, he would block all the pleasures of man So here's to Sir Sycophant, curse on his name. May his backers discover the truth of his game. May he live till his ego like dish water ooze And roll down to in a barrel of booze. * * * From Gus, Our Lyrical Liar Your chickens gave me lots of work, I think you ought to slay them. They never seemed to find their things In the place they thought they laid 'em. H: ^ ij: He called her Honey because she had the hives.
Page 30
28 ^ Captain Bill's Whiz Bang iiiiiiuii:: .iiijiiijniumuuiwiuuuuiiiiiimuniwiiiiiiimiiiiiminimmiMimunuHuitijMiiiniiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiHuMiiijiiiiiuiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiJiiiuinn Could She Do It?\ A lady went into a five and dime store, And gave the clerk a pain; "Hurry, wrap up this mouse-trap," she said, "I want to catch a train." )^y Very Kiddish YiddisU My neighbor made some Jewish beer, The very best I've had' this year; A funny name, you say, to chose, But that's the kind, you see, Hebrews, A tomcat sat upon the fence, A bull dog stood upon the ground, The tomcat jumped on the bull dog's back And the world went round and round- * * * Some Silly Bull IVe owned cattle by the herd, Of cows my barn is full; To you it may sound quite absurd But Pedro is my syllable. * * * If They Wrote the Truth Dear Wife — I'm writing you with a bottle of hootch in one hand and a prescription in the other. * * * Maud Is Maudlin "The engine's missing, Maud," he said; -As the fliv beside the road stopped dead, "Well, my dear," said she, "don't mind it. Let's walk back and try to find it."
Page 31
Captain Bill's Whiz Bang 2ld llllllllllliHIIUIR* Can You Blame l|er? Judge — And what are your grounds for di- vorce? Young Bride — Harry snores. Judge — How long have you been married? Y. JB. — Two weeks. Judge — Granted, he shouldn't snore. — Colgate Banter. * * * Do not pray for easy lives! Pray to be stronger men! Do not pray for tasks equal to your poTvers, Pray for powers equal to your tasks! Then the doing of your work will be no miracle. But you shall he a miracle. Every day you shall wonder at yourself, At the richness of life which has come in you by the grace of God; — ^Phillips Brooks. An Old Wise Crack Riches, like the bull, do no good till they are spread. * * * I Am I am. How little more I know; Whence came I? Wliither do I go? I centred self whicli feels and is! A cry between two silences — A shaft from Natures quiver cast Into the future from the past; Between the cradle and the shroud A meteor flight from cloud to cloud. « 4: 4: "Pa, what is the meaning of pas de deux?" Father of five — "Never mind, run away and play like a good boy."
Page 32
30 Captain Bill's Whiz Bang /^ This Is a NiecLOne Abie drove into the garage ail surrounded by Henry's offsprings, with a big stogie stuck in his face. "Hey," yelled the irate garage man, "don't you see the sign, *N0 SMOKIN'?" "Veil," said Abie, "it don't say Positively." * * * Nightly Prayers Now I lay me down to sleep. Under the pillow bedbugs creep. If they should bite before I wake I hope to gawsh their jaws will break. ^ ^ ^ Boy— "Say, pop, I'm going to cut off the dog's tail." Pop — "Why don't you cut off a little every day and make it less painful for him?" Captain Billy — I should think the star-fish of the sea would be a mermaid's husband. * * * Speaking about stocking styles, our Colgate friend says it would be lots of fun to be a pro- fessor in a girl's school looking over the class roll every morning. * * * Baby Needs a Pair o' Shoes I know my baby will be a good gambler when he grows up because he swallowed a pair of dice the other day and just naturally coughed up seven.
Page 33
Captain Billys Whiz Bang 31 ' _.,,.... ,, , , ,.,.,.„.,i iiiiiHiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii)iiiiiiiiiriiiiiiiiiitiiiiii)ttliiiitiiti)iiiiiiiNii>»ii UlllllUIIMIllIllllll iiiiiiiiiiiiiitiiiiiiiiiiiiiiTiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiriiiiniiiitiiiiiimiiiiitii More Truth Than^oultry Women and eggs are alike, insofar as it is not possible to judge their virtues from outside appearances. * * * Here's Ho, Ham 1/ When your heels hit hard and your head feels queer And your thoughts rise up like foam on beer. And your knees get weak and your voice gets strong. And you laugh all night at some darn fool song — / Then you're cuckooed, my hoy, plain cuckooed. / * * * r \ S'Deep Stuff A gambler likes action for money. Some other high-steppin' humans like money for ac- tion. * * * They're Hard to Please I had a sweetie; name was Tim, Other boys said they envied him; He was a loving little cuss. But not my style — too timerous. I had a sweetie ; name was Jo, Had a car and lots of dough. One night he grabbed my garden hose, "Jo," I said, "you're too jocose. # ^ ^ Strict Interpretation Pullman conductor — See here, porter, what do you mean by hanging a red lantern on that berth? Rastus — Rule 23 says to hang out a red light when the rear end of the sleeper is ex- posed, sah. — Jester.
Page 34
32 Cakiqin Bill's Whiz Bang '-iiniiKiiirimiiiim ^IHIIilllllifillllilllllllllllllHIIIIIIIIIItllJIIIlllllIllllltlllllllllllllllllillllM^^^ I K Editorials I I "The Bull is Mightier Than the Bullet." j iiniiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiniNiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiniiiiiHiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiii^^ ONE night in Paris, a poor, sick and dis- heartened man hurried along to the mis- erable garret where he lived. The boule- vards vsrere dark, with a dim light struggling here and there, the sleety snow froze his face, while the cold wind pierced his thin coat. As he stumbled along, his eyes filled with tears, a big light suddenly flashed through an open door. In that glow he saw a father ap- proach the threshold, wife and children come to meet him, and the light of the fireplace fell on their happy faces, like a glimpse of heaven. Then the door was closed, the brightness shut out, and John Howard Payne was left alone in darkness and despair- After he reached his room he lit a candle, sat down at his old table, and, shivering before a cold hearth, with thought of home across the sea, of its fireside warmth, of a father's voice hushed in death, of a mother's smile buried un- der the sod, of schoolmates now playing truant forever, he wrote his "Home, Sweet Home" 'mid fast-falling tears.
Page 35
■IIIIUIIIIItlllllUllllllltlllllllllllllllllLi Captain Billy's Whiz Bang \ 33 Pajme will be long and lovingly remem- bered, not because he was a popular actor for thirty years, or a dramatist of successful plays, but as a man who, though homeless for the last thirty years of his life, nevertheless wrote a song which has cheered loneliness, melting the ice gathered on hearts through years of sin and hardship — of the sailor-lad on the deep, the miner crushing quartz in the Golden Valley, the herdsman galloping over the plain, the traveler in foreign lands, and explorer in dark- est Africa. Home may be "humble" in cave or cliff lighted with stars, tent or reeds lit with fire- fly, log or clay cabin illumined by fireplace and candle, but blot out this word "home," and you blot out the words hope, happiness and heaven. Without the idea of home, labor is lifeless, literature is dull, canvas fades, marble crum- bles, music is silent, the sky has no sun, man has no soul and heaven has no God. "Home! home! sweet, sweet home! There's no place like home!" THE Rev- John Wesley Holland delivers the following sensible sermon on "Hot Boxes," through the columns of The Crescent, which is the official organ of the Shriners. "Why in don't we go?" The owner of the voice was a big man of business, and was in a hurry. The train, the finest that American ingenuity could invent, was stalled. You ought to have seen that engine. Twin four; horse power to bum; the last word
Page 36
34 Capictm Bilh's Whiz Bang sinuiiiiiiiimriiiiniriiilnii iiiliiliiiiliiiiiiliiiliiiriiiinriiii il trttiin: from Baldwin's. Ten coaches filled with people all on nerves. They talked, fidgeted, and were thinking of their connections to make in distant cities and sea ports. Yet there was the great "Limited" standing inert and helpless on the prairies, ten miles from a city, because of a measley little HOT BOX! Trains, like chains, break, in their weakest places. Some man failed to gi-ease the boxing, and it stopped the finest train that was ever coupled together. I watched the smoke from the burn- ing packing whiff away in the wind, and wondered if tlie hot box realized how important a thing it was. Vain man; you may build your train finer than the palaces of kings; you can iJluminate It till it glides through the night like a thing celestial; you can &U its boiler with power till it moves with the majesty of a planet, but one HOT BOX will put it out of commission. Tie OVERINDULGENCE hot box slays its thousands! Some wise old general once said, "An army travels on its stomach." Everybody does. The baby begins by putting things in its« mouth. It has to, or it will die. Many men are grown-up babies. There was Tom. What an eater he was. Banquets were his specialty. He would not go to the church unless there were "eats." Hjei began to pile on flesh at 25. By 30 he had an 18-carat belly. AJS" HE GAINED PAUNCH he lost PUNCH!. The SENSUALITY hot box is well known. The shore of the sea of life is constantly Uttered up with the hideous wreckage of the^ sensuals. A man can work under many hard handicaps and suc- ceed, but the man who gives "his strength to women" is a GONEK. Caesar and Antony had a gay time with a certain woman, but the woman finished one of them, and almost drove the other from his throne. WOMANHOOD, the kind that our Mothers possess, the glory that blushes in the face of a faithful wife(, and shines from a sister's eyes, is the supreme thing in this world. Before a man can be born, a woman has almost to die. No man worthy of the name MAN, can treat woman's honor lightly. The man I am think- ing of was slated for the president of his company. He began to pay the bills of "another woman," and hell was to pay. He never became president. His hot box got him. He was stalled in mid- dle life without the power to pull again. For several millions of years moths have been having fun with flames, and for untold ages men and women have cast themselves into a fire that only succeeded in developing the hot box that destroys their glory. MORAL:.. It is safer to ride on a SLOW FREIGHT v/ith cool BEARINGS, than on a FAST TRAIN with a HOT BOX! Selah. // you just keep on "plugging," you're sure to arrive. The day may be near or be far; But the man who works on and is never dismayed Lives under a favorable star.
Page 37
Captain BUIt^'s Whiz Bang 35 The genius, so ceiled, who works like the wind For awhile, mid then slacks his pace. When matched with the "plugger," who works every day. Is sure to lose out iv the race. HASTE seldom spells HURRY, for the sIo'm moving wheel Will better stand up to the knocks, And come to the end of the day 'math its load, IV'thoiit the attendant HOT BOX! * >;: * HIS HAIR was snowy white, face like wrinkled parchment, shoulders stooped under the weight of many years, step slow and feeblo, and he leaned not so much for support on his old c^ne as on the arm of an elderly woman. I sf w her sweet face attentive to his Vv^ants; heard her talk to him; watched her point out the pretty houses and gardens, and when she turned her face it was so like his that I knew she was his daughter, and that she was caring for his second childhood as he had for her first many years ago. In all this sad, sin-sick world, where man's love comes and goes like the ebbing tide, it is woman's love which remains like Gibraltar. As Neighbor — she is merciful and not marble- hearted, her hand helps the poor and her ear listens to their cry; she kneels with tear-wet face at the side of the coffined dead; she may not be known as writer, musician, or social leader, but she is a simple, sincere soul that shines like a star in darkest night. As Chris- tian Worker — without her prayers the meeting would be weak, the preacher speak to a small
Page 38
S6 ^^ Captain Billys Whiz Bang umiiimiriiiiiiiijiiittii:iiiii:riiiiiijiiiiiiiiri:iiiuiiiiiiiiiii congregation his family have less to live on, and the poor Magdalene no one to lead her from gloomy past to the morning of a future Eden. As Sweetheart — not padded and painted, frilled and flirtatious, perverse and petulant, good for nothing much except to look at or take to movies or dances, she inspires to high ideals and illustrates the virtues of faith, hope and charity. As Sister — not extravagant, vain of her beauty, wasting her time and strength on self, but helpful to mother, kind to father, and a hand of heaven to help a wayward brother. As Wife — to be depended on, to rejoice in suc- cess, to sympathize in defeat and be as harbor to a seasick traveler; with work never done and busy when others rest, and awake while they sleep, she makes the little home, in which she is caged, large and beautiful as paradise. As Mother — her love is pure and primal next to Christ, the Mother heart of God; it is she who rubs away the tear from the eye, bruise from foot and ache from heart; her smile rewards, her patient toil blesses. Queen of hearts, her children bow to the sceptre of her love. She may be plain, homely and poorly dressed, but living or dead is heaven's greatest gift; mother's tears were the April showers bringing sunshine after storm; her songs caused Sleep to fold her wings above our couch; her prayers lifted us on wings to heaven. It is her precious memory which makes us write wilh love's fingi-
Page 39
Captdn Billv's Whz Bdng 37 i;iFtiimiiiliriiiimiiiliitilini SHE moaned and tossed on the bed as I en- tered the room. Tired and sick she J looked at me with her deep dark eyes and said, "If my boy could only take care of himself I'd be glad to have the good Lord take me home." And who was her boy? A man grown old, lying on a cot and through accident almost as helpless as when a baby she cradled him in her arms and sang him to sleep. Once she had been a sweet dimpled baby; a pretty, petted child; a bright-eyed school girl; a woman with a heart filled with whispers of love; a sweetheart with sunshine in her face and speech; a wife with duty, affection and hope-dream of the future; a mother with love, prayer and help for the little life that came to her ; a widow with sorrow like frost on flowers ; now old, poor and alone, the hand skinny, the eye filled with life's ashes, her lips speaking of buried joys, and her feet weary of the long journey, whose milestones were dead hopes and friends. While I sat in that dingy little room it sud- denly grew large and beautiful and I thought of her mother's love. Pure love : Life's sun had almost set, and the shadows were lengthening on the graves of her loved, while she lingered late and lonely because her boy needed her. Deathless love: The luster had faded from her eye, her hair grown gray and thin, her face was wrinkled with grief and poverty, her hands were worn and fevered, yet she was more
Page 40
38 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang iiiiiiiiiiiiittiiiiiimtiiiiiiiiDiiiiiiTtmiMitmiriiitiiiiiiiiiiiiMiintititi beautiful than the giddy girl who passed by on the other side of the street, and as much more to be respected as the old spar is, which lies wrecked on the beach, listening to the whisper and roar of the sea it once rode on, compared with the new little row-boat on the shore. Close by were towering business houses, a market filled with produce, an avenue filled with young and strong on errands of business and pleasure, all climbing hurriedly to the summit of success while she was slowly coming down by the path that leads to the grave, sus- tained by her love for "my boy," love second only to that of Christ, the mother heart of God. Earth's prizes gone; path tangled with with- ered flowers and vines; no appetite for life's banquet, as in days of youth, but a love greater and stronger, touching her face and filling her life for her boy, man-baby whom she gave bone and blood. "My boy," echoed in my ears as I left her living in the past when he was a baby, the present when he is as helpless as a child, and wondering what the future will be for him when she is gone. God bless her — and for us, let us be kind to all women, to aged women, but most of all to the old mother, for "A mother is a mother still, the holiest thing alive." =4: ^ ^ Happiness is a fli\n?er that has to be cranked up but trouble has a self-starter that never fails to work.
Page 41
Captain BiWp's Whiz Bang iiiiiiiimtiiiitiitiiittiiiiimiiiiniiimitn 39 1 1 n II 1 :ki ti( Kill !Uii iitit t itti 1 1 > 1 1 Who Is a Christian? By Ella Wheeler Wilqox Who is a Christian in this Christian, land Of many churches and lofty spires? Not he who eits in soft, upholstered pews Bought by the profits of unholy greed And looks devotion -while he thinks of gain. Not he who sends petitions from the lips, That lie tomorrow, in tlie street and mart. Not he who fattens on another's toil. And flings his unearned riches to the poor. Or aids the heatlien with a lessened wage. And bulMs cathedrals with an increased rent. Christ, with Thj' great, sweet, simple creed of Love, How must Thou weary of Earth's "Christian" clans. Who preach salvation through Thy saving blood While planning slaughter of their fellow men. Who la a Christian? It is one whose life Is built on love, on kindness and on faith; Who holds hfs brother as his other self; Who toils for justice, equity and peace. And hides no aim or purpose in his heart That wUl not chord with universal good. Though he be pagan, heretic or Jew, That man Is Christian and beloved of Christ. * * * Thou Art Gone By Thomas Sinley Written at the time of the death of his daughter. Thou are gone from my gaze, Like a beautiful dream, And I seek thee in vain By the meadow and stream. Oft I breathe thy dear name ^ To the winds floating by, But the sweet voice is mute To my bosom's lone sigh. * * * Fools rush in where husbands fear to tread.
Page 42
40 ^Captain Bill's Whiz Bang A New Way to Do It "Yes, sir, some burglars got into the house • last night, bound me to a chair and gagg'ed me." "Then what did you do." "Why I sat around all night and chewed the rag." * * * Book Agent — "Mrs. Casey, these twenty vol- umes of the affairs of famous women will keep your husband home nights for one year." s^ * * Marvelous Missouri Blues \ Small Paul hit his mule with a maul, \ .' While stealing with stealth past his stall; \/ The mule put his heels ,\ Where Paul put his meals — Mule's heels — between meals — some pall. Attend your church, the parson cries, To church each fair one goes; The old go there to close their eyes, The girls to eye their clothes. $ :>: ^ Spank On, Macduff Wennis Is my girlie's name, Weinie Is my boy's, / ^ ' They make my life a rough old game, With madcap grief and joys. And when my nerves are going fast And I feel as though I'd burst, I spank my litttle Wennis last But spank my Weinie worst. * * * The last guy I want to do business with is the undertaker.
Page 43
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 41 iiiiiii I null 111 1 1 1 1 1 [III 1 1 ittiii 1 1 1 mil 1 1 1 1 tHimiiii III gniir.i iiiiiiiiiiiiMiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiioniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniain^ I Smokehouse Poetry | A few days ago Mr. Ed. E. Ford, then playing in an original act at the Orpheum Theatre in Minneapolis, jour- neyed ont to Robbinsdale to pay his respects to Captain Billy, Mrs. Billy, Maggie the cook, and Pedro Junior, our pedigreed bidl. Mr. Ford entertained the Whiz Bang farm household and Deacon Miller's family with his famous recitation "Whether You're Jew or Christian," and so de- lighted us that he consented to permit Smokehouse Poetry to feature this recitation in the June issue. It goes some- thing like this — "But a Jewish chaplain saw him; What matter the faith or creed, A Jczvish rabbi — He raised on high. The cross of the Christ he must still deny. And he prayed by his side till he saw him die. And the poor bruised soul was freed." KJ^ 'Ostler Joe This old favorite of many generations is hereby repub- Kshed by request of new readers who have not been able to obtain the complete poem. This gem of life and love orig- inally was published under the name of "Phryne's Husband," but constant usage has given it the adopted name of 'Ostler Joe. — The Editor. I stood at eve, 'when the sun ■went down, by a grave where a woman lies. Who lured men's souls to the shores of sin with the light of her wanton eyes. Who sang the song that the Siren sang on the treacherous Lurley height.
Page 44
42 Captain Bill's Whiz Baag Whose face was as fair^juar-sirffliHefTay^ and whose heart was as black as night. Yet a blossom I fain yould pluck today from the garden above hew dust: Not the Languorous lily of soulless sin nor the blood-red rose of lust: But a sweet white blososm of holy love that grew In the one green spot In the arid desert of Phryne's life, where all was parched and hot. In the summer when the meadows were aglow with blue and red Joe, the Ostler of the Magpie, and fair Annie Smith were wed. Plump was Annie plump and pretty, with a cheek as fair as snow; He was anything but handsome was the Magpie's Ostler, Joe. But he won the winsome lassie. They'd a cottage and a cow. And her matronhood sat lightly on the village beauty's brow. Sped the months and came a baby — such a blue eyed baby boy! Joe was working in the stables when tliey told him of his joy. He was rubbing down the horses, and he gave them then and there All a special feed of clover, just in honor of the heir; It had been his great ambition, and he told the horses so, That the fates would send a baby who might beai- the name of Joe. Little Joe the child was christened, and, like babdes, grew apace; He'd his mother's eyes of azure and his father's honest face; Swift the happy years went over, years of blue and cloudless sky; Love was lord of that small cottage, and the temi)ests passed them by. Passed them by for years, then swiftly burst in fury o'er their home Down the lane by Annie's cottage chanced a gentleman to roam; Thrice he came and saw her sitting by the window with her child. And he nodded to the baby, and the baby laughed and smiled. So at last it grew to know him — ^little Joe was nearly four; He would call the pretty gemplen, as he passed the open door. And one day he ran and caught him and in child's play pulled him in, And the baby Joe had prayed for brought about the mother's sin. Twas the same old wretched story that far ages bards' have sung; 'Twas a woman weak and wanton and a villain's tempting tongue;. 'Twas a picture deftly painted for a silly creature's eyes Of the Babylonian wonders and the joy that in them lies. Annie listened and was tempted: she was tempted and she fell. As the angel fell from heaven to the blackest deptlis of hell; She was promised wealth and splendor and a life of guilty sloth. Yellow gold for child and husband — and the woman left them both. Home one eve came Joe the Ostler with a cherry cry of "Wife!" Finding that which blurred forever all the story of his life: She had left a silly letter — ^through the cruel scrawl he spelt;
Page 45
Captain Bilb's Whiz Bang 43 Then he sought the lonely bed-room joined his homy hands and knelt. ^^,-,,=^ "Now, O Lord! O God! forgive her for she ain't to blame!" be cried. "^ "For I owt t'a seen her trouble, and a gone away and died. Why, a wench like her — God bless her! 'twasn't likely as her*d' rest. With that bonny head forever on a Ostler's ragged vest "It was kind o' her to bear me all this long and happy time. So for my sake please to bless her, though you count her deed a) crime. If so be I don't pray proper. Lord, forgive me, for You see I can talk alright to 'esses, but I'm nervous like with Thee; Ne'er a line came to the cottage from the woman who had flo'wn; Joe the baby died that winter, and the man was left alone. Ke'er a bitter word he uttered, but in silence kissed the rod. Saving what he told his horses, saving what he told hdis God. Far away in mighty London rose the wanton into fame, 1' or her beauty won men's homage, and she prospered in her sbame. Quick from lord to lord she flitted liigher still each prize she won). And her rivals paled beside her as the stars bfeside the sun. Next she trod the stage half-naked, and she dragged a temple down To the level of a market for the women of the town. And the kisses she had given to poor Ostler Joe for naught With their gold and priceless jewels rich and titled roues bought. Went the years with flying footsteps, while her star was at its height; Then the darkness came on swiftly, and the gloaming turned to night. Shattered strength and faded beauty tore the laurels from her brow. Of the thousands who had worshipped never one came near Her now. Broken down in health and fortune, men forgot her very name. Till the news that she was dying woke the echoes of her fame; And the papers in their gossip mentioned how an "actress" lay. Sick to death in humble lodgings, gi-owing weaker every day. One there was who read the story in a far-off country place, And that night the dying woman woke and looked upon his faca. Once again the strong arms clasped her that had clasped her lon^ ago. And the weary head lay pillowed on the breast of Ostler Joet All the past had he forgiven, all the sorrows and the shame;
Page 46
44 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang N i III 1 1 11 II U III ""-•'"'""■HI il He had found her *&ick and lonely, and his wife he now could; claim, ^^^--^ Since the Grand folks who had finown her one and all had slunbi away. He could clasp his long-lost darling, and no man would tell hlia nay. In his arms death found her lying, in his arms her spirit fled; And his tears came down in torrents as he knelt beside her dead. Never once his love had faltered through her base imhallowed life; And the stone above her ashes bears the honored name of wife. That's the blossom I fain would pluck today from the garden above her dust; Not the languorous lily of soulless sin nor the blood-red rose of lust; But a sweet white blossom of holy love that grew in the one green spot Da the arid desert of Phryne's life, where all was parched and hot. * * * The Straight and Narrow Path l/ife is nothing but a riddle From the start into the middle And when you reach the end you will find Life is nothing but a joke. And your friends will act like Quakers Only prove to be hand shakers They can surely shake you when you're broke, You will try to make a borrow But you'll find out to your sorrow That it's mighty hard to meet old mister friend When you're poorer than a sparrow Stick right to the straight and naiTow It's the only road that wins out in the end. You can make the world believe that you're an angel But it's mighty hard to face your mother once you fall The wise guy will grin and call you funny But in the long run he is the rummy. When the good and bad will balance on the square And if He says, "No you can't get up There" So remember in all your travel With the little rocks and gravel. The straight road is a great road after all.
Page 47
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 45 Is Life :[.-]i;ni::iiiiirat:iliiii»iiiiriiniiiiiitiiiinti What Is Life to You? To-tlie preacher life's a sermon To the joker it's a jest; , To the miser life is money To the loafer life is rest. To the lawyer life's a trial To the poet life's a song To the doctor life's a patient That needs treatment riglit along To the soldier life's a battle To the teacher life's a school; Life's a good thing to the grafter. It's a failure to the fool. To the man upon the engine / v ^ Life's a long and heavy grade; ■ \y Y It's a gamble to the gambler, r " To the merchant life Is trade. Life is but a long vacation To the man who loves his -work; Life's an everlasting effort To shun duty, to the shirk. To the earnest Christian worker Life's a story ever new; Life is what we try to make it — Brother, what Is life to you? The Man That*s In Tune There's lots of good in this good world of ours, There's plenty of sunshine comes in twixt the showers Old earth isn't stingy and heaven's liberal too. And they pay us up prompt for whatever we do; But I like to sort out the good things of this earth. And mark them and tag them for just what they're worth. And in my estimation the world's choicest boon The best of them all is— the man that's in tune. In tune with the mountains, the sea and the wood, With the sorrowa and joys of the gi-eat brotherhood In tune with the earth, the planets and stars. And when you arrive at the big golden bars And you hear that choir sing and you want to enroll The angels will just thrum the cords of your soul And your spirit wakes from it's least earthly swoon With the gates wide open for the man that's in tune.
Page 48
46 Captain Bill's Whiz Bang >iiiuiiumi*''<iiuiHiiiiiiiiiiiitiiiiiiitiiuiiirititiiiiiiitiiiiiiiiiii IllXIIIIIIIIIIOI'tllllllllltlllWI No^Time to Quit There's a- time to part and a time to meet. There's a time to»sleep and a time to eat. There's a time to worlt and a time to play. There's a time to sing and a time to pray. There's a time that's glad and a time that's blue, There's a time to plan and a time to do. There's a time to grin and to show your grit — But there never was a time to quit. ^ ^ ^ The Old Time Runaway Train Slowed dowB by Nation Jones. A runaway train came down the track. And she flew, she flew, A runaway train came down the track. And she flew, she flew; A runaway train came down the track. She hit a freight and broke her back And she flew, flew, flew, flew. The son-of-a-gun she flew. The fireman he was shoveling coal, And she flew (continue the motion as above) And the coal ran into the fiery bowl. And she flew, etc., etc., etc. The Newsie he was selling his gum, And she flew, etc. When a bum bought some and stole his rum. And she flew, etc. The porter's name was Ebony Jones, And she flew, etc. He was a highfaluter with a pair of bones And she flew, etc. The switchman he was turning the switch. And she flew, etc. The heavy old freight tsM iato the ditch, And she flew, etc. ^ ^ ^ Diplomacy? "Lets kiss and make up," Said she in a huff: "111 kiss you," said he, "But you're made up enoug!h.''
Page 49
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 47 ii]|[i[iiiimiiiiiJiirtiiMiriir[iiiiiiiiit[ilii;iitiiiiiNiiiiiiiiiiNiiu< To the Underdog The following poetji was zvritten by an inmate of the Multnomah CoimiyjM, Portland, Oregon, and was signed — By Wallie Mack BfaCe up fellows on the outside, l^ake your hardship with a smile; Better days will soon be coming, So have courage for a while. Though your purse is slightly busted. And you miss your cup of tea. There's no cause to feel disgusted For you still have liberty. Sometimes you may feel unlucky. And you're getting all the blame; That the time to show you're plucky And that you can play the game. So buck up, old pals; keep trying, Soon you'll find some worthwhile pay For the boys that do the sighing Always see the rainy day. Any time your heart feels weary Arr' ,'oa're giving up the chase, - r' ;:st ..'e;all — in jail are many v»_o would gladly take your place. ^ ^ 4^ Ho! Jackie Your bright blue eyes are a sailor's eyes. Your liuugiy heart is a sailor's, too. And I know each port that you pass through, Will give one lass both bonney and wise Who has learned light love from a, sailor's eyes, * * * Cock-a-Doodle-Do By John Kendrick Bangs J icvs to watch the rooster crow, i^e-; like so many men I know vVhf t)iag and bluster, rant and shout - .-■ ^ oeat theu- many chests without iie I., it damn thing to brag about.
Page 50
48 Captain Billys Whiz Bang ri]iuiifuuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiJiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiii}^iiiiiiiiiriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiititiMiiitiiiiii 'n riiiinitiiiiitFiiiniJiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitn iiiiiitMiiiiiiiiiiiMuiiiiiiiKiii The Girl With the Broken Wing By the Poet of the Pines Poor little girl with the broken wing, No more her withering soul will sing; Robbed in her bloom of her silken snood, God's priceless gift to womanhood. Poor little girl with trembling lips All steeped in shame to her thin finger tips; Begging and pleading and staking all For a lift from the man who encomjiassed her fall. Scorned and rejected, at last cast aside To float with the derelicts on life's restless tide, And bear all alone and in silence the blame Of the wreck and the ruin besmirching her name. Her traducer high up in the councils is perched While his frail little victim is left in the lurch — Is it fair, is it just, is it equity, pray, For the woman to suffer and the man go his way? ^ $ ^ No Chance, No Gain Build as thou wilt, and as thy ligjit is given; Build as thou wilt, unspoiled by praise or blame; Then, if at last what thou hast built shall fall — Dissolve and vanish — take to thyself no shame. They fail, and they alone, who have not striven. * * * In the stillnes of night Yet I will not repinCf Ere long' we shall meet In the home that's now thine. For I feel thou are near, And where'er I may be. That the spirit of Love Keeps a watch over me. * * * Well, What of It? My girl was feeling bad, She had a terrible cough, So she danced the shimmy, And tried to shake It off.
Page 51
Captain Bill's Whiz Bang 49 riitiiiiimiiiiiMiiiiiiiiDTi pniiiiiiiiniiiiiiitiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiin^ I Movie Hot Stuff \ BiiiijiuiiiiiiiiiiiMiniiiDmiuiiiiijjiiuuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiM^^ THE Lasky Studio seems to be furnishing its full quota of scandals for the whole industry to defend. First, Arbuckle, then the mysterious poisoning of the young girl scenario writer of the eastern Lasky studios and its subsequent "hushing up." Then Paul Kramer, movie director, who was recently shot in Hollywood. Kramer's mother- in-law is held for his murder. Then Taylor's death. In quality of productions, Lasky stands supreme. Better clean up the backyard, Lasky. * * * VON STROHEIM and the Universal, you remember, had a lively set-to about the cutting of his production, "Foolish Wives." Which brings to mind the fact that a show- inan offered Carl Laemmle of Universal $50,000 for the expurgated portions of "Foolish Wives." One of these interludes showed the eminent Mr. von Stroheim giving a cold cream body massage to a very pretty young thing, it is said. And they do say the scenes of oriental abandon in "The Mistress of the World," the
Page 52
50 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang UJiiiijiiiiiDtiiiiiitiiiiiiiii iiiiMitiiiiniiniiiutiiiHitriiiiiutiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniirrrriniii German serial now being shown over here, were — well — super heated. But the importers sliced them all out. Now we hear more cutting troubles over another production. Omar Khayyam has de- serted his Persian vineyards and tent making shops and jumped into headlines. In the first place, Ferdinand Penney Earle conceived the idea of putting "Omar Khayyam" on the screen. A Los Angeles lady of means known as "Queenie" (Note : Lots of gossip as to where her wealth was made!!) with apologies for our familiarity, put up the coin. When it was done she decided Mr. Earle shouldn't cut and title the picture, so put it under her arm and started for New York. Ferdinand, how- ever, deftly kept a couple of reels hidden some- where, so they had to send for him to complete the production. He went. An armistice was signed. Earle caught the "flu" but, although confined to his bed with illness, he edited and cut it from his hospital bed, not, it seems to be thwarted by a mere woman "angel." ^ * * EVERYONE is laughing over the rift on the Selznick maison. You see, young Myron Selznick went to London a few months ago and fell heavily for Evelyn Laye, dancing in a British revue. He visioned the young lady's name in electric lights on Broad- way as star in Selznick pictures — and he told
Page 53
Captain Billy's Whiz: Bang 51 iiiiiimiiiimiimiiititiiiiiiiiiiimiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiituiiimiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiiititmuiiliiriiiiiiiiiiitiiiiiiHn Miss Laye all about it. You can guess his popularity. But imagine Myron's surprise when Ke re- turned home and broached the new star to papa, Louis J. Selznick. Papa would have none of it. But Myron goes right on planning. He has even started a publicity campaign for Miss Laye. But the young lady is still dancing in Lon'on. Still, papa may relent. ^ ^ :{; THE movie folk in the East are about as active as a brown bear in midwinter. You need an ear more acute than the hearing apparatus of a redskin to detect the faint sounds of secret social activities. The cinema celebrities just aren't taking chances. The way the Eastern newspapers have been playing up the Taylor murder has scared them to death. The bullet that ended the Los An- geles director's life has probably done more to bring fil-em husbands and wives together for the time being than anything short of a blast on the judgment day cornet. If the murder did nothing else, it at least established the fact that Mary Miles Minter has at last reached the age of nineteen. Mary has been eighteen for as far back as we can remember. Another interesting thing about cinema murder is the way it brings the movie fathers to life. The flapper stars move placid- ly along with their mammas in tow until the dire deed is done. Then the pappas appear,
Page 54
52 ^ Captain Billy's Whiz Bang iiiuiiiiuuii»[niii Mary's turned up somewhere in Texas and carried the cognomen of Reilly, or something like that. Of course, there are brooding near-scandals. For instance, there are rumors of a screen comedienne and a dancer who was appearing at the moment in a Los Angeles hotel- The com- edienne had recently left her husband and — Well, the lady was rushed Eastward by her sister and all seems to be well, at least for the time being. Wonder what the famous tango dancer thinks? Our Monthly Sob Song 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have been "stung" at all. He — "Yessir! The sheriff came right into the kitchen this morning and arrested him." She— Land sakes! What for?" He — "Caught him poaching eggs." :J: ^ ^ "Where is your garter, Madge?" "Oh, somewhere around the house." "Er— isn't that stretching it a bit?" * * * Whiz Bang's Proverb A sock on the foot is worth two on the jaw. * * * The tailor made my pants the same in front as be- hind. Now I don't know whether I'm going to work or coming home.
Page 55
Captain Bill^'-sCWhiz Bang 53 giiminiiiiuiiniiininiiiiiiJiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiimiiiiiiiniiiiniiniiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiniiiu^^^ Classified Ads 0IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIUIIIUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIU A Mysterious Case (Fi'om Richmond News Leader) Lost: In Jitney, between Hanover and Robinson street and Ninth and Broad between 10:45 and 11:15 o'clock, package con- taining silk bloomers and pea jacket. Return to Mis3 Dembrow, in care of News Leader Co. 4: ^ ^ • Either Sex (Prom Seattle P. -I.) GENTLEMAN leaving for Far North wants partner, either sex. Little capital required. Gen. Del. will not ans. Object matrimony. Address W 6, care Post-Intelligencer. ^ ^ ^ Congratulations All Around (From Bellows Palls (Vt.) Times.) Born, at Rockingham hospital on_ November 20th, a son to Mr, and Mrs. Thomas Man. Congratufations. Altogether, the affair was a success and a credit to all in any way responsible. * * * Toot, Toot, Here Comes the Handcar (Krom the Satm-day Evening' Post) At this moment a car flew up the quiet street, tootled and stopped. In the exact space of half a minute, Mary came in. Mary was bronzed and full of beans. A Psychology Patient (From the Asheville Citizen) YOUNG, (SLIM) colored girl for second work and to wait on sick patient, stay on premises. References required. 108 Virginia Ave., Norwood Park.
Page 56
54 , Captain Billy's Whiz Bang iiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiuimiiiiniimmnimmtiiiiitniiiiiiiiimiiiiiuniimriiiiiinii Gu8, Look Her Up (Buffalo Times) Refined lady wishes position as housekeeper or anything. Address, Housekeeper, 185 Whitney Place. ^ ^ ^ Our Heavyweight Minister-Champion (Springfielcl, Ohio, Sun) Rev, Smith Talks Before Striking Theatre Employees. * * * Breaking the News Gently (From the San Antonio Express) IF A BACHELOR or widower desires to be located ini exclusiv« home, highest references required, must pay well for accommoda- tions. Travis 775. ^ ^ ^ Beg Your Pardon (From the Port OrcViard, "^^'n., Independent) There was a mistake in the report of Mrs. Melker and Mr. Baird going to Everett together. It should have said that IMrs. Melker went up on the Interlaken and Mr. Baird motored up alone. * * * Babies, Dogs, Horses and Cows CFrom the Atlanta Journal) Forty-nine persons, suffering from babies, have been admitted to the Pasteur Institute. All are from the Tarn Department, where three dogs have caused an epidemii:). Several horses and cows had to be shot. * * * Raise Cain Whenever Able Adam — "What kind of a dress did you wear last week. Eve?" Eve — "Figleaf, Adam, dearie." Adam — "I don't believe you. Eve; I think it was- poison ivy." * * * A La Follywood I've never sailed the salty sea, I've never been a sailor — There's just one thing I'd like to be. And that's a ladies tailor.
Page 57
Captain BiU^sWhiz Bang 55 iiriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiir giinniniiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiniiiiiitiiiiiigiiniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiuiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin^ j Knickerbocker Spice | liiiMiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiniuiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiu^ THE business of eliminating vice from the human race goes merrily along in the hands of our self-appointed moralists. As this is being written, these folk are trying to jam a bill through the New York State Leg- islature to "regulate" dancing. The bill com- pletely bans jazz dancing, hugging and cheek- to-cheek dancing, neck-holds, camel walks and other "suggestive" dances. Dancing under soft, dim lights is specifically forbidden. The bill describes "proper dancing" as follows: "The man places his arm lightly about his partner's waist, his hand resting gently on her back just above the waist line. The man's partner should rest her left hand lightly on the man's right shoulder and her right hand should remain lightly in his left hand. At no time should the dancers fail to keep their bodies or faces apart" ^ H: ^ THE only thing to divert the troubled minds of the cinemaese has been the activities of the New York board of cen- sors. The censors are very, very active and
Page 58
56 " Captain Billps Whiz Bang their every move is a picture. They slice dra- mas, revise sub-titles, trim news reels and even expurgate jokes clipped from current publica- tions and shown in such releases as "Topics of the Day." The ultimate touch came recently when they prevented the showing of a film version of "Sappho," made some four years ago with Pauline Frederick as the star. There is a rather hectic moment in this when the hero seizes the heroine and carries her upstairs to — Well, anyway, he carries her upstairs. The censors said the carrying episode must go but that the picture could be shown if the lady was revealed as walking up ! THE tirade against the immorality of the stage, started by the sensational seeking Rev. Dr. Straton, goes on. Now comes Rev. John Haynes Holmes to declare that at least nine plays now in New York ought to be banished "utterly from the stage" Probably one of them is the imported French newcomer, "The Rubicon." This gentle little Parisian comedy relates of a young wife who refuses to consummate her marriage until her lover in- sists that her duty is to her husband before she can turn to him. But — and here is the kick — one evening with hubby decides her to drop the conscientious lover. About the worst production of the season is the British revue, "Pins and Needles," which is unbelievably bad. It was so bad that, the
Page 59
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 57 iritiiitmiiiiimiiini day^ after the premiere, the Messrs. Shubert, who' helped bring over the production, an- nounced that the revue has been presented with make-shift costumes and costumes, the "produc- tion having been delayed en-route across the Atlantic." But the costumes and scenery have never come on the mythically delayed ship and Broadway suspects that "Pins and Needles" is as is. Which is terrible. In the revue appear Harry Pilcer, once lifted to undue fame by the late Gaby Deslys, and Edith Kelly Gould, who seems to be able to merely wander listlessly about the stage. And we haven't viewed such tights since we used to sneak down to the town burlesque house back in 1900. * * * THEY tell me that Mae Murray is very exclusive these days in her studio. You see, she says that she designs her own costumes — although the word costume strikes us as rather a strong word for the bits of something or other she affects on the screen — and she isn't going to let anyone steal her ideas. Be that as it may (no pun intended), Mae is a great little publicity seeker. You never see a fil-em first night or hardly a speakie Jpremiere without noticing her enveloped in a tremendous white cloak iand accompanied by her tremendous hubby, Robert Leonard. And al- ways arriving just before the proceedings start.
Page 60
58 Captain Bill's Whiz Bang uuuiuiiiiiiiiiiNiiiinitiiiiittiiiiiiiiiiiiiimiiiiiMiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiittiiiiititriiiiimiiiiii Another Jack-Pine Song Some like the girl that is pretty in the face, Others like the girl that is slim about the waist. But I like the girl that'll always sit still, And pucker up her lips like a whip-poor-will. 5!; si= :Ji Tony was a modem miss — well versed in law was slie; She charged him, when he stole a kiss, with petty larceny. For a moment he was quite abashed, and then he squeezed Her hand, "You're wrong, dear, Quite wrong," he said, "not petty; that was grand ! " 4: :): ^ Most things may be good without being new. There are exceptions — eggs, for example, and babies. ^ ^ ^ Advice to husbands — Never talk in your sleep, unless you are sure what you are going to say. * * * Chick! Chick! Chick! Now let's sing that latest song, "I wish I was a worm so the chickens would chase me." That's a scratchy one- * * * The best paid profession in the world is literature«-> if the author doesn't starve. Speaking of Knees When the hard wind blows the girlie shows if Nature bestows her knocks or bows, * * * We hope King George won't confer the Order of the Bath on Olaf, our new hired man.
Page 61
Captain Bill's Whiz Bang 59 iiiitiiiiiiiiiiiiiitiiiiiitiiiiiii iiiiiiiiriiKiii Frugality Personified With the addition of our new farm hand, the Whiz Bang fertilizing plant now possesses a man whom I claim can outdo the canniest Scot ' in the world when it comes to frugality. I have seen Olaf chew his tobacco until there I was no kick left in it; then dry the remains; then smoke the dried parchment, after which : he would snuff the ashes and then blow his nose for material with which to grease his shoes. When he had finished the greasing I operation he would wipe his nose on a raw I rock so as to save his handkerchief. [ In this connection I might say that Olaf also t claims that he prefers cranberries because they ' make better apple sauce than prunes. * * * George Washington married a widow, and was soon after known as the "Father of his Country." ♦ ♦ * Health Hint Never marry a woman whose ambition it is to be a widow. ^ ^ ^ Alimony is like the American Revolution of 1776. It's taxation without representation. * * * Song of the Green Table "/ may not be a pool shark, but I'm a big Hsh just the same."
Page 62
60 Captain BiU})'s Whiz Bang [JlIllllFllMIWtlWWrtWHIIIiMllHWWilHIIlllllimimilllimiimiUllllimtlllllHIIIIItHIIIIIHlllllllll Only a Milkman's Daughter The snow and sleet were falling fas^, As by my door she swiftly passed; I saw her pass on in the gale; 1 saw her falli and bust her pail. ' * * * Never Walk, Girls, Unless — ■■ It's easy to sit in your auto And counsel the girls who would walk. But get out and run And you'll soon change your fun When you feel the tack in your sock. * * * Morals and wine and jass music, Went out for a lark one night; Jass music and wine are looking fine, But morals an awful sight. * H^ * With the Lips Only Young man. If you try to eat honey On the blade of a knife You will cut yourself. _^ H you try to taste honey On the kiss of a ■woman, Taste with the lips only; If not, young man, Xou "vvill bite your own heart. * * * Out on the air the cry rang wild: "Switchman, switchman, save my child!" He threw the switch in the bat of a lid. Killed eighty people, but saved the kid. ^ H^ ^ If Eve tempted Adam with an apple, what could she do nowadays with a good drink of liquor?
Page 63
Captain Bill's Whiz Bang 61 l)Uittiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilit)iiiitiititiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimiiMiiiiti>ia.ii)itiiiniiiiUiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiitiiiiir:tiiiiriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittiiimii pnUIllIIIlllIIIIIIilllillllillllilllillllllilllUIIIIINilillllli^ I Our Rural Mail Box iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii^ Gus Stevie — The difference between pneu- monia and ammonia is that ammonia comes in bottles and pneumonia comes in chests. ♦ * ♦ Fatty Felix — Reduce, old boy, reduce. Ac- cording to a modern Greek maxim, "A fat belly did not invent gunpowder." James J. — The more you stick up for the other fellow's rights the less it will be neces- sary for you to stick up for your own. i'fi ^: ^ Naughty Nellie — Considering his rare old age, Nell, I would refer you to the woman who believes in marrying for a home; divorcing for alimony; and outliving for insurance. * * * Pvt. I. O. Z>iform— Would suggest that you write the Arm Inspection Department of the Army in answer to your query. Never heard of a G. 0. 45 Model shot gun. :!i ♦ * May Turity — Ohwhatanassiam is an old In- dian word meaning "End of All."
Page 64
62 Captain Bilb's Whiz Bang itiiitrittiinittii' i;iiiiiitiinin Hon. Captain — I never knew until the other day why there are so many jazz melodies. The prohibitionists forced the composers to take all the bars out of their music. ^ ^ $ Hi Jinks — No, the nurziry sliOU-„ not be re- ferred to as the bawl room. 4: ^ H: Busk Leaguer — I'll agree that you don't have to be a ball player to have a good 'bat- ting average.' " * * * Carrie Paper — A little floor oil poured on the baby's dress will keep the floors shining. ^ ^ ^ Worried Seventeen — Yes, my girl, love is of a man's life a thing apart but 'tis a woman's whole existence. * * * George — ^Wrinkled suits do not necessarily mean that your friend was out with a girl. He might have been wrpstling with his room-mate. * * * Robbinsdale Arithmetic Lesson One cow plus one well equals two gallons pure milk. 4: ^ ^ As Mathematical Minnie would say: "Flat- tery plus love chatter plus embraces plus kisses plus country trip minus old lady equals correc- tional court wedding ceremony."
Page 65
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 63 A Couple of Dukes Smith's wife hobnobs with royalty. Yes, the divorce was based on two counts. * * * "How would you test home-brew to see if there was any wood alcohol in iff" asked the old soak. "Why, strain it through a silk handkerchief ««rf see if you get any splinters," replied the young soak. H: ^ ^ How to Help A smile will help a man a lot when man is full of sorrow, And yet a dollar bill Is what he really wants to borrow. Sq, when a brother on the hill encounters stormy weather. Don't give the smile or give the bill, but give them both together! :Jt ^ sK Adam zvas the only man who can believe Ms wife 7vhen she told him he was the first to kiss her. ^ ^ ^ This Month In History The Battle of Sedan. * * * May says, "It's all riqht to dance with a disabled sol- dier but what joy is there in having an (aimless man loz^e you?" $ ^ $ Dear Captain — Seems like they ought to call these ballroom wrestling matches "Tape" dances. They're so darned adhesive. * * * An Irishman about to be hanged pleaded to have the rope put under his arms as he was very ticklish in the throat, and he did not want to die laughing at surh a sad scene. ^ ^ ^ There's many a dip with a sip on the hip.
Page 66
MM^^ $10,000 Confessions ^^^''' ^'''''^ THE FAWCETT PUBLICATIONS i Whis 'Sang RobbmataU. «w« J?a.. 2701 19i?- goUars
Page 67
Twenty prizes of $100 efch. Fffty prizes- of $50 each. One Hu'ndr»a prizes of $25 each. $10,000 Short Story Contest! WIthfn a few weeks Trat Cothttitm. a rawcett Monthly magazine, will make Its appearance on the news stands of the United States and Canada with a new purpose and nev/ ideas.. We ar£..ln the field for distinctively Interesting based-on-fact stories of 1,000 to 10,000 v/ords, and offer contributor Two grand prizes of $1,000 each. Two second prizes-tsT $200 each. Tv.'o third priiiss of S200 each. The contest is divided into tv/o sections. The first section closes June 30, 1922 and manuscripts which fail to win prizes in th^. first section will be entered In £lie second' section automatically, and thoS* early contestants Will have a second chare*. The second section closes October 1, 1922. SECOND SECTION (Contest closes Oct. 1, 1922) $1,000 Grand prize $300 Second prize $200 Third prize Ten prizes of $100 each Twenty. five prizes of $50 each Fifty prizes of $25 f!*eh Suggestions: Confessions- of a Magdalene, Confessions of a Jimmy Valentine, Confessions of a Maniac, Confessions ef a Dope Fiend, Confessions of Faithless Love, Confessions of HatA All stories must be unusual. Trut CenftfieKt will not consider cut and dried fiction.. .We will take our readers' Into the- Inner chambers of real life. Unless otherwise requested, writers' names will not be published. All manuscripts not prise win. ntn will be purchased at space rates upon acceptance. Further Information will be supplied on request. Manuscripts should be addressed tOf— 1922) FIRST SECTION (Contest Closes June 30, $1,000 Grand prize 5300 Se-;ontf prize $200 Third prize Ten prizes of $100 each Twenty-five prizes of J50 each Fifty prizes 'of $2S each. ROBBINSDALE. W. H. FAWCETT, Editor, '^rue Confessions MINNESOTA.
Page 68
Everywhere! Whiz Bang is on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, 25 cents single copies; on trains 30 cents, or may be ordered direct from die publisher at 25 cents single copies; two-fifty a year. One dollar for the WINTER ANNUAL.