Beadle's Dime Handbooks (no. 3) (1863)
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hy, } ducer ) BOOKs ETIQUETTE: ! . NEW TORE: BEADLE AND COMPANY, 118 WILLIAM ST, | _ Sinclair Tousey, 121 Nassau St. , =
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_le’s Hand-books for Popular Use. —_———— 6 ih oun & Co, publish several books of more than ordinary interest Rs. «value to that class of persons who wish for aids in letter writing, _ assistance in becoming acquainted with the rules and observances _ of society, ete., etc. They are particularly adapted to meet a great ~ popular want of reliable and available text books on their subjects, and can not fail to give perfect satisfaction. They are: BEADLE’S DIME LETTER-WRITER. (Revised and Hnlarged Hdition.) A PerFect GUIDE TO ALL Kinps oF CORRESPONDENCE. Embracing chapters and directions on the following: The Art of Composition and Punctuation; the Meaning and Uses of “Style;” Letters of Business; Letters of Pleasure and Friendship; Letters of Love; Letters of Duty and Trust; Letters of Relationship ; Letters of Various Occasions; W of Expression ; Complete Dictionary of Foreign and Classic hrases ; Abbreviations; Poetic Quotations for Various Occasions; Proverbs from Shakspeare, etc., etc. BEADLE’S DIME BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. (Revised and Hnlarged Edition.) For Both Sexes. A Guide to the Usages and Observances of Society. . .Embracing important chapters as follows: Entrance into Society; General Observances for Visits, etc.; Special Observances for All Occasions; the Formula of Introductions; on Dress and Ornaments; on Cleanliness and Fastidiousness; Conver- sation and Personal Address; Writing of Address, etc.; Balls, Even ” ing Parties, Receptions, etc.; the Card and Chess Table, etc.; Enter- tainments, Dinner Parties, etc.; Etiquette of the Street; the Polite- ness of Business; Advice to the Working-Man; Love, Courtship and Marriage; Respect for xesjigion and Old Age; a Special Word to the Lady ; Impolite Things; the Phrenology of Courtsht »; Special Word for Ladies only; Jontiiential Advice to Young Men; Culti- @ vate a Taste for the Beautiful; Etiquette of Horseback Riding; the Laws of Home Etiquette; Cards of Invitation for All Occasions; the Language of Rings; Good Manners on the Ice. hese works are printed in very attractive form. They are to be of all News Agents, or can be ordered by mail, by remitting ten ‘ DLE & COMPANY Publishers, 118 William St., N. Y. riting for the Press; Improprieties
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BEADLE'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE A PRACTICAL GUIDE TO GOOD BREEDING, AND COMPLETE DIRECTORY TO THE OBSERVANCES OF SOCIETY REVISED AND ENLARGED EDITION, NEW YORK: BEADLE AND COMPANY, PUBLISHERS, 118 WILLIAM STREET. pes SS dee SSS SS eee 2 ——_ ____
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Ratered according to Act of Congress, in the year 188 By BEADLE AND COMPANY, {mu the Clerk’s Office o7 the District Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New York,
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INTRODUCTION. “Taat man is a gentleman!” How the heart opens to let him in, without any further commendation! He may be wise, and rich, and remarked for his genius; but if he be not a true gentleman, his gifts will not avail to make him a favorite and a desirable companion. “That woman is a lady!” What matter, then, if she is not clad in silks, or is not beautiful of form or fea- ture? She has the key which unlocks all hearts for her, for to be a lady, implies high qualities and gracious gifts of soul. Why, then, are not all persons gentlemen and ladies? We can not tell, except it be that some, and a large class of, persons look upon politeness as something effem- inate, or as fit only for fops; and therefore make boors of themselves, because it is so manly to be coarse and to do just as one pleases. Some are actually ignorant of what constitutes true politeness, and err not from willfulness, but from want of knowledge. But such persons are read- ily forgivable, for, if their disposition is to be polite, they will find the way very easy into the confidence of all, and will learn, ere long, what custom and usage has sanc- tioned as fit and proper regulations for the intercourse of men with men, women with women, and all with one another. It is to such persons as those last-named, that we espe- cially address this little manual. To learn the usages of society is easy, if one only will learn; for, after all, these usages are not complicated and burdensome, but ground- ed upon simplicity itself: the great law which underlies all, is the blessed Golden Rule: “ Do unto others as ye would that they should do unto you.” We propose to give such suggestions, in the various de- partments of social experience, as will advice the reader of the usages sanctioned by eminent authority, and of the deportment proper and acceptable to well-bred per- sons; and flatter ourselves that, if our advise is followed, this ‘Die Book or Eriqverre” will prove entirely com- petent to fit its attentive reader to move with credit and self-respect in any circle where a true lady or gentleman always finds ready recognition.
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CONTENTS WIPONOONNON R55 6 Fe cen OS ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY: General Observations—Case of the Bashful Youn Man—Enter Society Early—Avoid Forwardness an Romping —Snobs— Fops—Bores— The Secret of Making Yourself at Ease—Good-Nature everything, GENERAL OBSERVANCES FOR VISITS, ETC.: The several Kinds of Visits—Styles of Dress appro- riate—Proper Time to Call—Make a brief Stay— Visits to the Newly-Married—Of Condolence—After a Party—on New Year’s day, etc., - - Sere SPECIAL OBSERVANCES FOR ALL OCCASIONS: Directions for all to Learn by Heart, in Regard to Dress, Demeanor, Conversation, etc., etc., - . THE FORMULA OF INTRODUCTIONS: How to “ Introduce”—General Forms to be Observed —When Introductions are Proper—Promiscuous Introductions Improper, - - ‘ - - - ON DRESS AND ORNAMENTS: Good Dress highly Proper and Necessary—The kind of Garments proper for Various Occasions—Jewelry and “Flash” Dressing vulgar—When Jewelry is in Good Tasteé—Special advice to Females upon Their Dress—Flowers, Jewels, Feathers, Arrangement of Hair, etc., etc., - - ‘ 4 - - - ON CLEANLINESS AND FASTIDIOUSNESS: The Hands, Nails, Mouth, Teeth, etc., etc.—Bathe Frequently for Purity of Complexion—Tobacco and Smell of Smoke Offensive and Forbidden in the House or in the Presence of Ladies—‘‘ Broken” garments— Neatness inseparable from True Gentility, CONVERSATION AND PERSONAL ADDRESS: The Various Talkers—How to Talk and When—The kind of Subjects proper to Introduce—Pedantry out of jew flex of Personalities—Good Talk- ing and Good Manners always go Together, : ll 17 24 23 a9
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CONTENTS. WRITING OF LETTERS, ETC.: How to Address, and kind of Paper to Use—Seals, Franks, Superscriptions, etc.—The Forms generally Used—On Style—The Proprieties of Language— Praise and Flattery out of Place—Models not always Available—Letters to Friends—A ‘Dime Letter Writer’ in Press, - : - - - - - BALLS, EVENING-PARTIES, RECEPTIONS, ETC.: Whole Etiquette and Observances of these Occa- sions, with Special Remarks to both Sexes upon Deportment, Proprinsios, etc.—A Chapter for all Young Persons to Read, - - - - - THE CARD AND CHESS TABLE, ETC.: Etiquette of Sociable Games—Chess and its Proprie- ties—Cheerfulness a Necessary Companion for all Players, - - - - - . - - FNTERTAINMENTS, DINNER-PARTIES, ETC. : The whole Etiquette of such Occasions, including General and Special Directions, - ; : : ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET: Explicit Directions for Behavior on jhe Street—A True Gentleman known by his Demeanor—How to Treat Ladies, - - - - - . - THE POLITENESS OF BUSINESS: How Proper Politeness is, in Employees and Km- apd ches -Rules which should Invariably Mark their Jeportment, - - - - ° . ‘ ADVICE TO THE WORKING-MAN: Politeness Essential to all—Boorishness Intolerable and Injurious—The true Relation between the vari- ous Workers in Society, - - - - . LOVE, COURTSHIP, AND MARRIAGE: A Chapter by an Eminent Author—The Language of True Love and its Expression—The True Rela- tions of the Sexes—Coquetry and Flirting a Mark of Baseness—Courtship—Its Modes of Procedure and its Proper Manifestation—Its Attendant Respon- sibilities ~Marriage ~The Solemn Character of the Occasion—Its Forms of Procedure, and Rites of the Ceremony - - After-Marriage Customs and Obser- vances, - . - : r ‘ z “i RESPECT FOR RELIGION AND OLD AGE: Remarks Designed for the Young of both Sexes, and Advice they will not Fail to Profit by, - i ix 81 48 51 54 ~y o
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x CONTENTS. A SPECIAL WORD TO THE LADY. - - 61 IMPOLITE THINGS, - - - eos 0S he 7% THE PHRENOLOGY OF COURTSHIP, - : a 79 SPECIAL WORD, FOR LADIES ONLY: The Necessities of Particular Styles of Dress—Velvets, Muslins, Complexion, etce.—A fair Face should be Always in Smiles, - - - - - P - "7 CONFIDENTIAL ADVICE TO YOUNG MEN: The Great, Invariable Law of Compensations — The True Principles of Conduct, and the grand Secret of Success, - - - - - - eS 79 CULTIVATE A TASTE FOR THE BEAUTIFUL : What “ the Beautiful” is—Its great Utility in Modifying our Tastes and in Directing our Habits—Art, Music, Books, Female Companionship, all to be Cultivated Sedulously, : - - “ . os : sat ETIQUETTE OF HORSEBACK RIDING: The Uses of this noble Exercise—The Rules of the Road and the proper Attentions to Offer—The Dress, etc., etc., - - - - - - = = 84 THE LAWS OF HOME ETIQUETTE: A Chapter for Every One to Read and to Commit to Memory—How Homes are made Models of Happiness and Comfort—The Laws of Intercourse with Guests and with Members of thé Family, - - - 86 CARDS OF INVITATION FOR ALL OCCASIONS: The Formulas of Invitations, Cards of Address, Calling Cards, Wedding Cards, Letters of Introduction, - 92 THE LANGUAGE OF RINGS, - < $ b 95 GUOD MANNERS ON THE ICE: Ice Etiquette—No Gentleman will be other ban a Gen- tleman there—Special Rules for Ladies- [~. Hall’s Directions, - - . - - - - 98
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oe BEADLHE'S DIME BOOK ETIQUETTE. ea he - ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY. Has the moment arrived when you are called upon to cast aside your youthful associations and youthful irresponsibilities to take your place in society as a man or woman? It is a most important moment—one which deserves the consideration of a thoughtful study ; for, upon a proper knowledge of what belongs to true manhood, true womanhood, does much of your after-life success depend. If you are ignorant of the laws of politeness, of the rules and observances of true sociality, of the means necessary to render yourself an agreeable companion and a useful member of the social circle, you begin life at immense disadvantage, and will never cease to regret that ignorance. It is such an easy matter to become familiar with the usages and proprieties of social life that ignorance ig inexcusable; and when we see men of sense and sa. gacity behaving, in an assembly, at a party, at the dinner-table, at the card-table, like half-tutored say- ages,—rude, awkward, uncivil, a source of annoyance to their friends, we feel a degree of indignation rather than of pity, since it is so easy to learn how to behave, that there really is no good excuse for boorisbness and awkward deportment,. To illustrate, let us narrate the case of our young ttiend Falconbridge, whose entree into society afforded
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12 DIME BOOK OF ETIQUETTE a subject of langhter and comment for weeks after the incidents which he has had the courage to place before us asa warning. He tells his story thus: “T pulled the bell with a most nervous twitch; I ‘walked in’ with fear and misgivings; in the parlor not only sat Miss Jones, but her two cousins, the old lady, a maiden aunt, and some four or five of the junior branches of the Jones family. I got through, though it was fearful work. I set my hat on the center-table, and it fell off; 1 picked it up, and in do- ing so, hit my nose against a pile of gilt-edged litera- ture, and down it came pell-mell; but the children came to my rescue, and I finally found myself armed by a lady each side—the cousins! Imagine my feel- ings—Miss J. going in advance, en route, down the avenue to the portly residence of Misses Degrands. We entered the vestibule; I had not spoken a word all the way; the two pretty cousins and Miss J. doing a heap of conyersation. In the hall the old negro servant made a grab at my hat, but I held on, and in triumph carried it into the parlor, where, in the midst of introductions, flaring of lamps, and waving and fluttering of silks and cashmeres, bowing, scraping, fuss and feathers, to all of which I was more or less deaf and blind, down upon a piano-stool in the corner I dropped my hat. “The two cousins froze to me, introduced me; I bowed; one of the Miss Degrands came forward; I was introduced, and as she, in the tip of fashion, made her perfectly grand theatrical bow to me, grabbed her by the hand in the most democratic manner imagina- ble, and shook it most heartily. She not only blush- ed, but, by her eyes, I saw that she was likewise mad as ahornet. Her sister and her had a word, and then her sister avoided me. Things grew no better
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We ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY. 18 fast; from one bungle I got into another. In whist I was ignorant and awkward; in a hop waltz with one of the cousins, [I trod on her toes, until she screamed; and, in trying to mend the matter, I stepped on the flounces of Miss Degrand’s dress and tore off five yards at least. In despair, I backed down, saw a seat, rushed to it, and down I sat upon my hat! In confusion I arose, snatched up the pancake-looking affair, which I frenziedly held up to public gaze. There was a roar of laughter—in which I did not join, I assure you; I gave a rush forward, hit the corner of the table, tilted over the astral lamp !—such a crash !—I kept on, I made for the door which just then old Degrand was entering avant courier of his old negro man,’who bore a large tray well filled with wine in glasses. I struck the old gentleman so forci- bly that he fell upon Pompey, glasses, and wine; and, on my mad career, I proceeded. Going out the wrong end of the hall, I found myself in a dark din- ing-room ; but, jerking open the first door in advance, I went out into a hall, thence to an anteroom; grop- ing in the dark, I struck my forehead against a half- open door, saw bushels of stars, and—fell senseless / “ How or when I got home, the Lord only knows ; but, for one week, I had a head too big for my hat, and a pair of terrifically black eyes. As soon as able to travel, I left that ‘settlement’ never to return.” Now this is no overwrought scene, but one which could easily haye happened to any bashful, awkward, disconcerted young person. The great error he made was in not going into society perfectly self-possessed, from having 4 right knowledge of what was proper in company. In the first place, he had watted too long before entering into society, and, secondly, he had not informed himsclf at all upon the most common proprie-
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14 DIME BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. ties of the parlor. ‘What else could have been ex- pected than discomfiture and disgrace ? As a rule, then, let us recommend all young per- sons to enter into social intercourse ere they become “of age.” Itisa most admirable experience to meet in friendly chat with a friend or two—to spend an even- ing with an intelligent lady, and to learn by degrees the confidence and reliance which will serve to carry you bravely through the evening at the brilliant rooms of fashion and gay company. It will be found, by both sexes, that timidity wears off rapidly by sim- ple social converse; and the young man or woman who proposes to become a gentleman or lady should not fail to embrace every opportunity for meeting with well-mannered and intelligent friends—to spend an evening with them—to read, talk, walk, ride with them—to go out to concerts, to the theater, to the pic-nic, excursion, church, or evening party. Timidity is not a sin—it is merely a fault which will soon wear away, and a proper self-possession will take its place, if the novice in society will use all necessary means to overcome the feeling which takes fright at a smile, and is disconcerted by a frown, In seeking to overcome bashfulness, let there be : careful study to avoid the very common extreme of forwardness, This is the more unbearable because it is a sin of commission, while bashfulness is a sin of omission. To be forward, rude, intrusive, argues a sad want of good breeding which no leniency will overlook. In a female this rudeness is absolutely un- bearable, because it so outrages all ideas of feminine graces and virtues—it makes us think the person coarse, and this very feeling divests us of the respect, the reverence which should always be felt for the “gentle sex.” We say earnestly to those young girls
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ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY. 15 . f who bandy words with provoking young men, who i always romp when they are abroad, and win the i; name of being “independent,” that you yery much : - injure yourself in the estimation of all well-mannered persons, and do your character the injustice of having it considered wn-feminine, Be gay, be cheerful, be the spirit of every company, but at the same time pre- i serve the delicacy, the refinement, the grace, which ti are the surest virtues for conquering admiration, for | winning loye. i “Snobs” are always impudent, and generally are ( ignorant persons. They are rude as the monkey is iii rude, because they really do not know what consti- tutes good breeding. Their tailor literally “makes f the man”—their whole mind is given to the tie of their cravat, and their boots absorb much of i} their hardest efforts at philosophy. They are simply h nuisances—a blot on the fair name of man; and should be regarded as an extensive species of ape. i “Fops” are not always “snobs.” * A person may be very vain of dress, and make a silly display of dry goods and jewelry, and still be very genteel and per- | fectly polished in manners. The love of show isa strong passion in a larger class of persons than is gen- erally supposed, for many who do not wear the latest " styles still have peculiarities of dress or ornament which are the result of as great a degree of vanity as it besets the more gaudily dressed. It is a weakness to be vain of dress, for it places a virtue in goods which i does not belong to it—it elevates a perishable and | purchasable commodity aboye the truer and nobler attributes of mind. : “ Bores” are a large class, and number such a va- riety of species as to baffle definition. Let it suffice for us to say, 4 man or woman is a bore when they > vr ?
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16 DIME BOOK OF ETIQUETTE are intruders, either upon persons’ time or ‘company, To know when to leave, when to cease conversation, when to offer attentions, to solicit fayors, is to know how to behave well; and no person will err who is educated in gentility, or whose apprehension of what is right is not befogged by “charming illusions.” One of the worst bores we ever met was a female, who acted as a kind of purveyor-general to the community for every charity which called for an active beneyo- lence. This lady would come into our study at any moment, would force us into hearing which we did not wish to hear, and into giving what we did not conscientiously think it right to give—so great was her faculty for “ talking things into a person.” She and her friends thought her a very valuable woman; we then thought her to be, and now know her to have been, a most unmitigated bore of the “ benevolent” school. ; We have here described these several enemies of good breeding, because we do not wish to recur to them again: let us here beg of our readers to make such application of the suggestions as will prevent any of them from becoming either “snobs,” “ fops,” or “ bores.” Once in the presence of company, large or small, forget yourself so far as to become one of the number —lose yourself, your hands, and feet, and eyes, in the feeling of non-individualism, without which there re- ally can be no real enjpyment. What is called aban- don i3 & sense of non-individuality—a forgetfulness of self so far as to enter keenly into the spirit of the time and occasion. Give yourself no particular ana tety about your. person, your demeanor, your words and ways: you can, if not perfectly “at home,” have a care to demean yourself well and creditably ; but do ~
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GENERAL OBSERVANCES, ETC, 17 not be anxious about it, for anxiety breeds a disquiet which is fatal to enjoyment and to a good impression upon others. Good-nature is every thing in society, as in business—it overcomes many a mountain of difficulty, and achieves a success where no sternness or anxious solicitude would avail. In regard to the formulas of introductions, cards of invitation, etc., too much stress is laid by writers upon etiquette, who leave the impression that there is a whole chapter of Greek verbs to learn before the deb- utant in society can become familiar with necessary forms. ‘There is little, indeed, to cause alarm, the forms being just what any person’s common-sense would dictate as being proper. We will give, in the chapter succeeding, such general observances and formulas for introductions, etc., as seem necessary to “ post” our regders upon the subject. GENERAL OBSERVANCES, INTRODUCTIONS, ETC. Among the gentilities of life, visits hold a first place, and deserve attention. Their rarious occa- sion, their different character and purpose, their meaning are multiple, and have, therefore, some forms necessary to be preserved. We may remark that visits are classified as follows, viz.: visits of mere form and policy; visits of real friendship; visits of con- gratulation and of condolence; visits to give out invita- tions for dinner, or a dance, or an evening party; visits of state, where the party called upon is a “lion,” an eminent person, etc., etc. The general style of dress to be adopted upon all these occasions, is one of studied neatness rather than of display or of elegance. Display upon such occasions is really vulgar—it should be reserved for the gay and prilliant soiree or evening company, if is ia made at all. .
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18 DIME BOOK OF BTIQUETTE. The time for the visit is after twelve o’clock, noon; before that hour the lady of the house is supposed to be busy at her household duties, and in getting the rooms in order for the day: never make a call before that hour. . Occupy but a brief time in your call, for you know not how much the lady of the house may have to do, nor where she may wish to go, hence it is best always to make your call brief. If strongly urged to remain longer, it would be impolite to go in haste; but, as a general thing, let fifteen or twenty minutes be the time spent in the visit. You will not then be voted a “bore,” but, on the other hand, will be con- sidered a pleasant caller—particularly if you have made yourself agreeable. Should another person be announced or enter on a visit before your own visit is finished, it is but proper for you immediately to retire, unless you may be inti- mate with both the host and the new-comer, and are invited to remain. Otherwise be not precipitate to leave, but politely withdraw, for you do not know what “confidences” there may be to be talked over. Visits of congratulation upon occasion of marriage, or safe return from a journey, or long absence, or escape from calamity, should be at as early a moment as the party seems ready for such visits; and should be always made when you entertain a regard for the person inter- ested. It is now the practice for newly-married people to send out their cards to those of their old friends with whom they wish to renew acquaintance in their new relationships; and it is a sign that you do not wish to renew the acquaintance if you fail to respond to the card by calling. If you fail to call, the parties can not consistently recognize you afterward, except you have some good and sufficient apology to offer for, your absence from their reception-rooms,
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GENERAL OBSERVANCES, ETC. 19 Visits of condolence are too much neglected in this “fast” country of ours. In Europe the custom of calling upon those who have suffered a loss by death 1g quite general. The call, of course, should be brief, and the words offered of the kindest and most con- siderate character. It will greatly relieve the pangs of sorrow for the living to feel that others are solici- tous for their welfare. After you have attended a party, soiree, or socia- ble, it is proper to call upon your host within a fort- night, to make inquiries after his or her, health, and to remark upon the pleasure you experienced on the oceasion of the party. This is a pleasant way of showing your friends that their efforts to please you are appreciated. New Year visits, strangely enough, are not general in this country outside of a few large cities. The first day of the New Year is set apart for general “calls”? when houses are “open,” and all are privi- leged to enter whore friends of the host, or who are in company with a person who is on the calling list of the house. It is not proper for a perfect stranger to enter a room and introduce himself to the ladies present, just because the door is “ open;” if you wish to call upon the receivers of company, get some proper friend to introduce you. Even the freedom of New Year’s day will not excuse a liberty with strangers. In many instances houses are not open to “ calls,” on New Year's day, for various reasons, In cases of this kind, it is a pleasant reminder of your existence, and of your wish to continue your social relations for the year, tosend in your card sometime during Jan- uary, or, What is better, to call sometime during the month, and re-establish yourself in the list of friends of the party.
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20 DIME BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. Of the various technicalities of these several occa- sions, We may say: Never forget to enter the room with thoroughly- cleaned boots. Always use the scraper and mats at the door. If you meet any one on the staircase, you should uncover, whoever it may be. You should do the same in case of an introduction. If you haye a cane, keep it in your hand, and be careful not to make much noise with your boots. When a new visitor enters a drawing-room, if it be a gentleman, the ladies bow slightly; if a lady, every one rises... Beware of asking the hour, or of taking out your watch during a visit; avoid spitting on the floor— your pocket-handkerchief will serve your purpose.. To place your hat on any article of furniture when you enter a room is ungenteel; to lay it on a bed is un- pardonable. You must hold it in your hand, or leave it with your over-coat in the anteroom. Cross- ing the legs, and stretching them out at full length, are equally improper. The last arrival in a drawing-room takes a seat left vacant near the mistress of the house. A lady is not required to rise on receiving a gentle- man, nor to accompany him to the door. If you are invited to lay down your hat, place it beside, not before you. A young man will avoid sitting in an arm-chair— which should always be awarded to the ladies or old gentlemen present. Leave the seat next the fire to superiors in age or position. The children of the family should assist their parents in receiving visitors, relieve the ladies of their wrappings, provide seats, and accompany to the door. i .
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SPECIAL OBSERVANCES, ETC. 21 Never look about you in a room, as if you were making an inventory. The gloves should ne, be removed during a visit. To brush your hat with your hand will expose you to the charge of extreme vulgarity. At the entrance of a visitor you should rise. A professional man in his office is alone exempted from this custom. A lady does not put her-address on her visiting- card. We may here als- add these further general hints and suggestions: Naturalness is an essential item in good-breeding. Hear what La Bruyere thinks on this important ques- tion: “Some young people do not sufficiently un- derstand the adyantages of natural charms, and how much they would gain by trusting to them entirely. They weaken these gifts of heayen, so rare and fra- gile, by affected manners and an awkward imitation. Their tones and their gait are borrowed; they study their attitudes before the glass, until they have lost all trace of natural manner, and, with all their pains, they please but little.” Without being vain, a young girl should be careful of her person. Nothing is more repugnant to good taste, than an air of neglect in the toilet and deport- ment of woman. The hair and head-dress especially require care and neatness. Beware of imitating those people who never know what to with their bodies, and can never keep their hands quiet. Swinging on one’s chair is extremely ill-bred. The eye-glass stuck in the eye, denotes either the dandy, the clerk, or the student. This custom is in no way disagreeable to the passers-by, but it has an air of ill-breeding and impertinence.
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92 DIME BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. To follow a lady in the street, and turn the head to stare at her, is still more impertinent than to do so in a promenade, especially in cities, for reasons which can not be further averted to in a book intended for young persons of both sexes. Familiarity with servants should be avoided, but they should always be addressed with civility. Some people, in speaking to you, have a silly habit of passing their hand through the hair, or stroking the mustache; some even carry a pocket-comb, which they produce on all occasions, for dressing the beard; others bite their nails, play with their watch-key, or jingle the money in their pocket; all these offences against propriety denote a want of good-breeding. Excess in perfume should be avoided, lest the sus- picion be excited that you deal in the odors that you inhale. Good-sense has often more to do than education, in making a polished man. One of the essential qualities of good-breefling, is deserving general esteem by one’s deportment. In little social games, a malicious girl will some- times amuse herself by imposing on a companion a forfeit that will make her ridiculous; this shows a bad disposition of mind as well as ill-breeding. If, in offering a lady a gift, you select one that is very costly, you may be guilty of an impertinence. To speak in society of private matters, is extremely improper. Turning up the sleeves on sitting down to table, as some persons do, is gross in the highest degree. A habit of swearing always marks a yulgar man. Calling to the waiter with a loud voice in a public- room, and striking violently on the table, are indica tive of extreme ignorance.
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SPECIAL OBSERVANCES, ETC: 238 A snuff-taker should not take out his box at table ; his neighbor will be little pleased at receiving the stray grains in his plate. Indisecreet questions are impertinent, as well as un- seasonable harangues. You should be ready to act the knight, if a lady in your company is attacked. If she give offence, and that without reason, your office is that of mediator, You should even ask pardon for your companion. A bully would act otherwise; but it is absurd to get into a quarrel for the sake of maintaining that a person who is insolent has a right to be so, and that because he is of your company. You will show yourself, in acting thus, as ill-bred as he. If, in doing an obliging act, you make people feel the obligation, you deprive it entirely of its value. If you speak of a friend to a person who is not in- timate with both him and you, preface his name with the word Mr. It would not be proper to say toa servant cr a porter, “Is Julius here?’ You must say, “Is Mr. Julius here ?” A servant who understands propriety, always speaks of his superiors in the third person. When you receive a present, it would be an offence to the donor to dismiss the porter without a gratuity. If the honor of a woman be attacked, you should always defend it. It is not allowable for any one to assail the reputation of a lady, even if she be open to censure. In walking with a lady in the street, leave her the inner side of the pavement. If you meet friends in a narrow passage, or on a footpath, be careful not to block up the way. It would be very impolite to in- convenience the passers-by in this manner. In whatever soviety you are, it is unpardonable to
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24 DIME BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. remain covered in the presence of a lady. Louis XIV., going one day on foot out of the castle of Ver- sailles, uncovered before a vender of cakes who was stationed near the gate.- The courtiers having ex- pressed their surprise; “Gentlemen,” said the monarch,, “ig not the king’s mother a woman?” Our readers may also remember the incident related of Henry Clay: a negro woman courtesied to him, when he raised his hat politely to her in return. “ What !” said a friend, “do you recognize negroes?” The no- ble reply was: “I never allow negroes to excel me in good manners.” When your visitor retires, you should accompany him to the anteroom, and save him the trouble of opening the door. In the case of a lady or an old gentleman, it is proper to go to the foot of the stair- case, THE FORMULA OF INTRODUCTTONS, We shall say only a few words about presenta- tions. The same form is always observed, “Let me introduce to you Mr. B.;” or, “ Mr. Jones, allow me .to present to you Mr. Smith;” or, “I have the honor to present to you my intimate friend.” Introduce no person until you are sure it is agreeable to both par- ties. Ladies should always be asked if they wish to know Mr. ere he is presented to them. The rule invariably is, to introduce gentlemen to ladies—not ladies to gentlemen. Or, in case of men to men, al- ways present the younger to the older—the lesser & the greater. We Americans, in our disregard of rank and position, are too apt to overlook the courtesies established among gentlemen. The person thus presented bows, the host repeats the oft-spoken
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DRESS AND ORNAMENTS. 26 compliment, and, with a graceful rejoinder, the cere- mony concludes, Both ladies and gentlemen should be careful about introducing persons to each other, without being first satisfied that such a course will be mutually agree- able. . The custom in this country, particularly among gentlemen, of indiscriminate introductions, is carried to such a ridiculous extent, that it has often been made the subject of comment by foreigners, who can discover no possible advantage in being made ac- quainted with others with whom they are not likely to associate for three minutes, in whom they take not the slightest interest, and whom they probably will never again encounter, nor recognize if they should. Besides, every one has a right to exercise his own judgment and taste in the selection of acquaintances, and it is clearly a breach of politeness to thrust them upon. your friend or associate, without knowing whether it will be agreeable to either party. ON DRESS AND ORNAMENTS. A man is judged of by his appearance, and seldom incorrectly. A neat exterior, equally free from ex- travagafce and poverty, always proclaims a right- minded and sensible man. ‘To dress appropriately, and with good taste, is to respect yourself and others. A black coat and trowsers are indispensable for a visit of ceremony, an entertainment, an evening party, or a ball. The white or black vest is equally proper in any of these cases. Very ceremonious visits require a dress shoe and a white vest. The hand should al- ways be gloved on such occasions. Always wear kids in dancing. A gentleman, when in dress and eut of his business, should also walk out gloved
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26 DIME BOOK OF ETIQUETTE One hand may be uncovered; the one you will ex- tend if you meet an acquaintance. If it be not well-bred for a gentleman out of busi- ness hours to appear in the street or at church with- out gloves, it is still less so for a lady. Rings and heavy gold chains are not in good taste. Some young: persons, of both sexes, have a strong de- sire to sport gold and jewels; but let them remem- ber that such is the taste of gamblers and courtesans, and they may realize how really vulgar is too much jewelry. To a woman, the toilet is indeed a study, to which she should deyote a proper portion of her time; and, sure of being well-skilled in the art, she is impatient of the observations of the critic. All do not, however, escape the charge of vulgarity. We sometimes see dresses in which the ill-assorted or showy colors spoil the effect of the richest material. The various arti- cles of dress must be well-chosen, so as to produce an agreeable harmony. Never put on a dark-colored bonnet with a light, spring costume. Avoid uniting colors .which will suggest an epigram—such as a straw-colored dress, with a green bonnet. [Of the last-named style of head-gear you must especially be- ware, unless you haye an extremely fair complexion ; otherwise your malicious rivals will assert that your face resembles a citron, surrounded by its foliage.] The arrangements of the hair is an important affair. Bands are becoming to faces of a Grecian cast— while ringlets better suit those lively and expressive heads which resemble the beautiful Ninon. But, whatever be your style of countenance, avoid a cum- brous edifice of lace mixed with hair, and let your “flowers be few and choice. A spray or two of heath, the delicate blossoms of the jessamine, violets—orange
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DRESS, AND ORNAMENTS. 27 blossoms, a white rose—these simple ornaments are most suitable to a young girl, and even of these she should not be too prodigal, for beauty wnadorned is adorned the most. In a married woman, a richer style of ornament is admissible. Feathers in her bonnet, a necklace, a camellia or jewels in her hair are allowable in the wife, but for a young girl, a style of modest sim- plicity is far more impressive and becoming. We shall state what is known to be a fact, when we say ladies who attract most observation, are those dressed - with the most studied simplicity, while those with most ornament are treated with less deference, and excite less compliment. An important maxim to be observed is, that the most elegant dress loses its merit, if it is not worn with grace. Young girls often have an air of con- straint, and their dress seems to partake of their want of ease. The celebrated Sappho is said to have at- tended to the arrangement even of the folds of her mantle. She is indeed fortunate, who can give an easy flexibility to her figure, and graceful movements to her head: she ygill always appear graceful and well-dressed. There are women whose dress is extravagant—folly of this kind should be avoided: a simple style of dress is ever proof of modesty, and one never loses by appearing to be modest. For many valuable recipes for the toilet, and hints and suggestions in reference to the complexion, the hair, the teeth, ete, see “ Beapie’s Dome Racin Boor.”
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DIME BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. ON CLEANLINESS. If there be one thing that we should recommend more than another, it is cleanliness. We might, in- deed, abstain from this caution, upon the supposition that the reader can not stand in need of it. But, to clear our conscience, we devote a chapter to the sub- ject. The hands should receive special attention, as they serve for a specimen of the rest. Every morn- ing wash them with plenty of soap and ‘water, then with the brush, clean your nails, cut them, and be- ware of the dark crescent which gets the name of half-mourning; nothing can be more disgusting. Let your face and neck be clean; we particularly recom- mend attention to the ears. Rinse your mouth often; in the morning, to remove the impurities of the night; after dinner, to avoid mak- ing others acquainted with the meats you have par- taken of; and at night, before retiring to rest, that you may sleep more sweetly. If yow are given to the really filthy habit of using tobacco, in any shape, never appear in any social circle, or to any friend for whom you have any respect, with the odor of the stuff about you. Let your use of it be as much in se- cret as possible. No gentleman will ever smoke a cigar where its smoke can give the least offence. In Boston smoking is positively prohibited in the streets: it should be in every city. Frequent baths are absolutely necessary, and still more, frequent foot-baths, with tepid water and soap; for the dust that one acquires in walking, changes its name at the end of three days, and in making a call, your friends will be aware of your presence before they have seen you. Let your hat and clothes be carefully brushed. Nothing is more disagreeable in either sex, than
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CONVERSATION. 29 soiled shoes or stockings. It shows either great neg- ligence or uncleanliness, Let your linen be perfectly white, and your dress spotless. How often do we see women walking in the street with a torn or frayed dress, or a broken stocking. Idleness alone is the cause of such things; it is so easy to stop a rent, and certainly it can not be said that thread is dear. A dress ever so simple, and cheap, if it be neat, is _ preferable to finery and dirt: one is respectable, the other is not. In the pocket-handkerchief great nicety should be observed, both from regard to appearances, and for the sake of personal comfort. It should be white and always clean. <A dirty handkerchief is an abom- ination. A. drop of perfume on it will make it all the pleasanter to yourself and to others. Perfec cleanliness in ali things gives one a feeling of self-respect. It not only affords an agreeable sensa- tion of comfort, but imparts an air of confidence, springing from the consciousness that you need not fear the investigations or ridicule of any who approach you. It will procure you an acquittal for many lit- tle defects of heart, or mind, or temper, and win you respect where you may least expect to make a favor: able impression. CONVERSATION. It is rare to meet with persons who cun converse agreeably ; and yet how many kinds of talkers there are in the world. First comes the man who details his own adventures, bringing in even his boyish es- capades, in order to keep up the cohtinuous discharge; the gastronomic talker, who regales you witha de- scription of famous dishes; the detailer of empty \
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80 DIME BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. trifles; the exquisite Leander of eyery hysterical dame; the universal grumbler, who sees nothing of the sun but its spots; the self-constituted reporter of every kind of scandal; with many others too numer- ous to mention. If you wish to make yourself agreeable to a lady, turn the conversation adroitly upon taste, or art, or books, or persons, or events of the day. Make her smile—suffer her to be superior in any encounter of “wit—and she will pronounce you “the most charming of men.” ‘You will have shown yourself clever and well-bred. Never seem studied in your phrases, nor talk above the comprehension or contrary to the taste of the person addressed, otherwise you may be voted either a pedant or a bore, The woman who wishes her conversation to be agreeable will avoid conceit or affectation, and laughter which is not natural and spontaneous. Her language will be easy and unstudied, marked by a graceful carelessness, which, at the same time, never oversteps the limits of propriety. Her lips will readily yield to a pleasant smile; she will not love to hear herself talk her tones will bear the impress of sincerity, and her eyes kindle with animation, as she speaks, The art of pleasing is, in truth, the very soul of good- ‘breeding ; for the precise object of the latter is to render us agreeable to all with whom we associate : to make us, at the same time, esteemed and loved. We need scarcely advert to the rudeness of inter- rupting any one who is speaking, or to the impropri- ety of pushing, to its full extent, a discussion which has become unpleasant. Some men have a mania for Greek and Latin quo- tations; this is a peculiarity to be avoided, Nothing is more wearisome than pedantry.
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ADDRESS OF LETTERS, ETC. 81 If you feel your intellectual superiority to any one with whom you are conversing, do not seek to bear him down; it would be an inglorious triumph and a breach of good manners. Beware, too, of speaking lightly of subjects which bear a sacred character. ,No person, man or woman, will think the more of you for irreligious expression. Witlings occasionally gain a reputation in society ; but nothing is more insipid and in worse taste than their conceited harangues and self-sufficient air.. Do NoT TRY to be witty. True wit comes spontaneously, and is not forced. It is a common idea that the art of writing and the art of conversation are one; this is a’ great mistake. A man of genius may be a yery dull talker. The two grand modes of making conversation in- teresting, are to enliven it by recitals calculated to affect and impress your hearers, and to intersperse it with anecdotes and agreeable relations, ADDRESS OF LETTERS, DIRECTIONS FOR WRITING, ETC. A letter addressed to a person of eminence should have a seal on the envelope; for other letters.the or- dinary envelope is sufficient. Letter paper (other than for business) with designs of any kind is in ques- tionable taste, as are seals ornamented with flowers and figures. Perfectly plain paper should be pre- ferred: it may be embossed with the writ¢r’s initials. On the birth-days of your relations, and on the festi- yal of the New Year, you can hardly dispense with written congratulations. In writing to a superior employ paper of full “let- ter” size; write the name, and in the line underneath the words, “Dear Sir?’ Leave a line between this word and the first line of your letter. Always write
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32 DIME BOOK OF ETIQUETTZ to the point—using not a superfluons or meaningless word, and be as brief as possible. Abbreviations are admissible in notes entered in a book of reference, but not elsewhere, except in commercial correspond- ence. Letters of invitation and circulars should always be franked; and if the distance be not too great, they should be sent by hand. A letter given to a third person, if it be a letter of introduction, should not be sealed. In writing to an official, leave a large margin, for he may need it for marginal notes. A young man writing to one advanced in years, should not conclude his letter with the common phrase, “ Receive, sir, the assurance of my regard.” It should be, “ Accept, sir, this expression of the re- gards of your very humble servant.” This formula may be employed in writing to an equal, “ Accept, sir, the assurance of my highest es- teem ;” or, “I have the honor to be yours, very truly.” Toa lady, “ Accept, madam, the assurance of my respect ;” or, “I am, my dear lady, yours very sin- cerely.” It is ill-bred to write on a half-sheet; the shortest letter requires a whole one All letters must be pre-paid. And stamps should always be remitted, where an answer is expected, if your own affairs are concerned. Never impose post age upon a friend: it is a contemptible act to make a person, after the trouble of writing to you on your business, pay his own postage. A few words on epistolary style. Few persons know how to write a good letter. The epistolary style, in general, should be very simple; pathos would
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ADDRESS OF LETTERS, ETC. 83 be absurd where you have to speak of the commos occurrences of life, the follies of the world, its petty hatreds and vanities. Be as respectful and as lively as you can in writing to an old man: old people love sprightliness. The surest way to please in your cor- respondence is to acquaint yourself with the charac- ters of the persons with whom you interchange let- ters, to avoid touching their foibles, to speak to them on the subjects they have studied, or of which they are especially fond. In addressing a lady, imply your opinion of her taste by seeking her advice on subjects which require it. Never weary of burning incense ; there is an altar in the heart of woman, and even of man, always ready to receive its fragrance. The design of good-breeding is to make you agreeable to every one; write your letters so that each one reading them will be pleased and satisfied. Adula- tion or flattery is very unbecoming, except it is posi. tively deserved ; and then it should be given in terms which will not compromise good taste and good judgment. If there be a phrase happily worded in the letter addressed to you, ever so little, do not suffer it to fall . to the ground; preserve it, and in your reply, show that you have appreciated it. If a correspondent use improper language toward you, let your reply be polite, even if it is severe; you will thus inflict a double wound—showing your- self to be a man of dignity, and know how to pre- serve your self-respect. tefrain from addressing extravagant praise to a man of discernment; he will see that you have some purpose in what you say, and you will make an enemy. No praise is extravagant to fools; tell them that they are gods, and they will set about procuring
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84 DIME BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. an altar; but you would view yourself with contempt if you were mean enough to praise such. Avoid the folly of copying, as models, letters to which peculiar circumstances impart brilliancy or genuine wit; but which, applied from different cases, are strangely out of place. If you address one beneath you in education or posi- tion, do make him feel his inferiority ; be polite with- out familiarity, as politeness is due to every man of good parts to those beneath him. If you write an epistle respecting a common occur- rence in a style of bombast or would-be-eloquence, you will suggest an application to yourself of the fable of the mountain which brought forth a mouse. In all cases, where it is possible, avoid erasures and crowded lines. Letters between friends are simply conversation ; from an inferior to a superior they should have a tone of caution, at once concise and respectful. <A letter of business is expressed in brief and precise terms, with details arranged in exact order. Letters of con-. gratulation should be distinguished for choice language, to the exclusion of all expressions parasitical or com- mon-place. As to the style which a son should em- ploy in writing to his parents, there is no instructor but the heart. In every case and circumstance be truthful and earnest, and you may rest assured you will impress favorably, and accomplish your pur- pose a thousandfold better than if you used deceitful and false expressions. The Dime Lerrer Writer will embodyvall that ia necessary to enable the young person, or the no- vice, to write letters intelligibly, properly, and satis- factorily. It will contain besides models for hints, a eomplete directory to correct composition.
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~~ BALLS, EVENING-PARTIES, ETC. 85 BALLS, EVENING-PARTIES, RECEPTIONS, ETC, To deport oneself satisfactorily at the dance, it is necessary to understand much about the dances which may be introduced. It is a charming accomplishment to be a good dancer, and-we shall not hesitate to advise all, male and female, to learn the Terpsichorean art, ere the days of youth are past. It is unnecessary to argue the pros and cons of the propriecties and mo- ralities of the dance; we prefer to let each judge for him or herself on the debated question; but, that it is a real accomplishment, and a desirable one, to be famijiar with the etiquette and technicalities of the ball or soiree, is our most firm conviction, and we therefore introduce such observations and rules here as should govern the occasions of balls, soirees, recep- tions, ete. An invitation to a dance should be given at least a week beforehand. A lady sometimes requires time to prepare her toilet. The host of the house receives you; and after the usual compliments, which should be very brief, do not fail in polite recognitions to any lady in the company with whom you are acquainted. If you introduce a friend, make him acquainted with the names of the chief persons present; by this pre- caution you will often save him an indiscretion; and make him feel more at his ease. These ball-room introductions are not regarded as introductions for a more extended acquaintance than for the evening. Should the parties afterward meet upon the street or elsewhere, let the gentleman be carefui not to presume upon any recognition of the lady until she has first bowed. If she fails to extend this recognition, let the gentleman take no umbrage, for he has no real claim upon her acquaintance merely from a public ball-room imtroduction. An introduction at a private soiree is
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86 DIME BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. another thing; there the relations of the parties intro. duced are the same as at any private party: they are permanently introduced if at all. If a gentleman escorts a lady to the dance, he is her cavalier for the evening ; he must see that she is always provided with agreeable partners; that she always has a seat when required; has the necessary refreshments, etc. He must dance with her first of all, and as often, during the evening, as is proper, considering the claims of others and the wishes of the lady. Avoid seeking the same partner (other than your lady en charge) in the dance too often; you will excite remark, and will expose yourself to the charge of partiality or perhaps of coquetry. It is a graceful attention in a young man to select as partners those ladies whose want of personal attractions condemn them to the terrible punishment of being the “ wall- flowers” of the evening. Such attentions will procure you a feeling of grateful regard, especially if you acquit yourself with tact and real kindness. If a married lady is present, and dancing while her husband is in the room, a person desiring her for a partner should first de sure that it is agreeable to the husband for him to offer his hand to the lady. If a crowd is present, and a gentleman has occasion to make his way through a press of crinoline and drapery, he should proceed most carefully—haste would be very rude and inexcusable; the danger of soiling, or tearing, or disarranging a lady’s costume forbids any gentleman making a careless step. If it is necessary to step in front of a lady in pass- ing, always apologize for the step; otherwise she may very properly think you do not know what belongs to good manners. A lady is always pleased with oa
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.BALLS. EVENING-PARTIES, ETC. 37 apology if it is gracefully and kindly made; and no gentleman will ever suffer such an occasion to pass in silence, without he really designs an affront, or except he is absolutely ignorant of what is proper and re- spectful. A good authority before us says:—In a quadrille or other dance, while awaiting the music, or while unengaged, a lady and gentleman should avoid long conversations, as they are apt to interfere with the progress of the dance; while, on the other hand, a gentleman should not stand like an automaton, as though he were afraid of his partner, but endeavor to render himself agreeable by those “airy nothings” which amuse for the moment, and are in harmony with the occasion. You should, however, not only on such occasions, but invariably, avoid the use of slang terms and phrases, they being, to the last degree, vulgar and objectionable. Indeed, one of the charms ‘of conversation consists in the correct use of language. Dr. Johnson, whose reputation as a talker was hardly less than that which he acquired as a writer, prided himself on the appositeness of his quotations, the choice of his words, and the correctness of his expres- sions. Had he lived in this “age of progress,” he would have discovered that his Lexicon was not only incomplete, but required numerous emendations. We can fancy the irritable moralist endeayoring to com- prehend the idea which a young lady wishes to con- vey, When she expresses the opinion that a bonnet is “ quful,” or a young gentleman of his coat, when he asserts that it is “played out/” If any one thing marks a person’s “bringing up,” it is the language used in company; and it may be set down as an almost invariable rule, that any one who uses slang words, who talks loudly and rudely, who utters an 2
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38 DIME BOOK OF ETIQUETTE oath, or who becomes angered and expresses it, is no gentleman, and has not had good associations, Fer a lady to be guilty of even one of these sins, is too pal- pably inexcusable to need remark. The author quoted above, adds this excellent advice upon a very common ball-room sin, viz.: scandal and strictures upon a person’s appearance, dress, etc. He says:—“ There is a custom which is sometimes prac- ticed both in the assembly-room and at private parties, which can not be too strongly reprehended,—we allude to the habit of ridicule and ungenerous criticism of those who are ungraceful, or otherwise obnoxious to censure, which is indulged in by the thoughtless, par- ticularly among the dancers. Of its gross impropriety _and vulgarity we need hardly express an opinion; but there is such an utter disregard for the feelings of others implied in this kind of negative censorship, that we can not forbear to warn our young readers to avoid it. The ‘Koran’ says: ‘Do not mock—the mocked may be better than the mocker.’ ‘Those you condemn may not have had the same advantages as yourself in acquiring grace or dignity, while they may be infinitely superior in purity of heart and mental accomplishments, The advice of Chesterfield to his son, in his commerce with society, to do as you would be done by, is founded on the Christian precept, and worthy of commendation. Imagine yourself the vic- tim of others’ ridicule, and you will cease to indulge in a pastime which only gains for you the hatred of those you satirize, if they chance to observe you, and the contempt of others who have noticed your viola- tion of politeness, and abuse of true sociality.” Ladies will always be careful of their associates. At the public ball are occasionally to be found persons whose acquaintance it is not proper to make. The
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BALLS, EVENING-PARTIES, ETC. 89 young female is ever the cynosure of all eyes, and can not comport herself too strictly, nor choose her part- ners too carefully. It is not best to be “ prudish,” but it is right and necessary to be cautious and discreet. In walking up or down the room the lady should always be accompanied by a gentleman; it is quite improper to saunter around alone. When a young lady declines dancing with a gentle- man, it is her duty to give him a reason why, although some thoughtless ones do not. No matter how frivo- lous it may be, it is simply an act of courtesy to offer him an excuse; while, on the other hand, no gentle- man ought so far to compromise his self-respect as to take the slightest offence at seeing a lady by whom he has just been refused, dance immediately after with | some one else. A lady has a hundred motives for conduct which she can not explain; and for a gentle- man to take offence at her simple declination to dance is very silly and unmanly. During the act of dancing all parties should haye on their summer looks. Dancing is rightly supposed to be an enjoyment, but the somber countenances of some who engage in it, might almost lead to the be- lief that it were a solemn duty being performed. If, says a shrewd observer, those who laugh in.church would transfer their merriment to the assembly-room, and those who are sad in the assembly-room would carry their gravity ‘to the church, they both might discover the appositeness of Solomon’s declaration, that “there is a time to be merry and a time to be sad.” It should ever be the study of both sexes to render themselves agreeable. Gentlemen, as we have said, should avoid showing marked preference to particular ladies, by devoting their undivided attentions to them,
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40 DIME BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. or dancing exclusively with them. Too often, -the “belle of the evening,’ with no other charms than beauty of form and feature, monopolizes the regards of a circle of admirers, while modest merit, of less personal attraction, is both overlooked and neglected. We honor the generous conduct of those, particularly the “well-favored,’ who bestow their attentions on ladies who, from conscious lack of beauty, least expect them. The real man of sense will not fail to recognize most solicitously any lady who may seem neglected or unattended. On the other hand, no lady, however numerous the solicitations of her admirers, should consent to dance repeatedly when, by s0 doing, she excludes other _ ladies from participating in the same amusement; still Te as we have hinted, should she dance exclusively with the same gentleman, to the disadvantage of others. What has elsewhere been said in regard to dress and ornament wil) apply fully to the occasion of the dance. Let simplicity be the guide, and not display. The iady tricked out in many jewels and ribbons looks too much like a moving advertisement to com- mand respect for it. If ladies generally knew how deep an impression a pure style of dress makes upon the other sex, and realized how trifling a gaudy dress seems to the person of true taste, we surmise their vanity alone would impel to simpler attire, rather than to elaborate and costly display. In regard to a gentleman’s dress for the dance, we may add. white gloves, white vest, light colored cra- vat, dress-coat, black pants, and patent-leather gaiters, or light calf-skin boots well polished, constitute the proper ball-room or soiree costume. The much talked of “independence” of Americans, professes
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BALLS, EVENING-PARTIES, ETC. 41 disdain of many of the requisitions of dress established by good usage in England and France. <A frock-coat would not be tolerated a moment in any fashionable society in Europe. Whether it be esteemed a preju- dice or otherwise, we are free to confess that, in our own opinion, the frock-coat is a violation of good taste, as unsuited either to a ball-room or private assembly. The ordinary dress-coat, which is in no respect in the way, and which leaves the limbs per- fectly free to moye gracefully, is the only proper coat for the party and dance, When a lady has accepted refreshment, her attend- ing gentleman should hasten to relieve her of her glass or plate; and, as her cavalier, should see that all her wants and wishes have been complied with The refreshments over; the gentleman should offer arm and gallant the lady to her seat in the ball-roo or, if she wishes to retire to the dress-room, he should gallant her to the door, and there await her coming out to conyey her to the dancing-floor again. The ladies dressing-room, it is unnecessary to say, is a sacred precinct into which no man should eyer pre- sume to look; to go into it would be an outrage which none could overlook or forgive. When the hour comes for retiring home, be sure to be ready for the lady whom ‘you have accompanied to the dance; your obligations are not discharged until she is again, under your own eyes, seen safely at her own door. If you have come to the room unat- tended, select, during the latter part of the evening, some lady who, it may seem, will be glad of your company home; offer her your services and, if she signifies assent, be careful to be ready at her cal. Await at the door of the dressing-room for her, and offering your arm do the gallant kindly but not osten-
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42 DIME BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. tatiously nor too officiously, Leave her at her own door, after the bell has been answered, and not until then. In leaving an evening-party it is unnecessary to seek the master of the house. Your farewell will be dispensed with ; you should leave without disturbing any one to occasion remark. This rule is often mis- understood, but it should not be. , CARDS, CHESS, HTC. It is well at a ball, to have a table for cards and men for chess: for all the guests are not dancers, and it is the duty of a host to see that all enjoy them- selves. It is customary for partners to bow slightly to each other before beginning a game of cards or i When a game of cards is ended, and the , uffle” is your partner’s, the cards should be ar. ranged and handed to the lady whose turn it is to deal them. To discuss the rules of play is ungenteel. Ina quiet party the tact and cordiality of the entertainers should put all the guests at their ease. The choice of the guests is not one of the least difficult points. At the house of a political man, there should be an effort to unite all shades of opin- ion, From parties of any kind, a man known for his gratuitous rudeness, or for the impropriety of his witticism, will be excluded by all who are desirous of maintaining the proprieties of social intercourse. Op- posing politicians, editors, lawyers, and ministers should never carry their professional feelings into the parlor, nor, by any expression, mar the good-humor of an evening. It is improper to express your opinion loudly in company, or to remain long at the card-table when you are young and known to be a good dancer.
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CARDS, CHESS, ETC. 48 It is a delicate attention to stand behind a lady at the piano and turn over the leaves of her music-book, and after the music to gallant her to her seat. After the dance, a gentleman. must not omit to conduct his partner to her seat; and in.so doing, a well-turned compliment will not be out of place. We have noted the impropriety of a young man’s remaining. long at the chess or the card table, when the ladies are in want of a partner in the adjoining room. At the same time, a gentleman should be ac- quainted with one or more games, as it is polite to play with the host or his guests, if you are invited to do so. Some persons, in playing cards, show an effort to conceal their hand; this is ill-bred. If it be a pleas- ure to spectators to watch the game, why should you object to it? Eyen if it be disagreeable to you to be overlooked, you should not let it appear. You will sometimes see one partner reproach an- other sharply for unskillful play; thus convicting himself of being more unskilled in the science of good-breeding. The man who utters noisy complaints about his luck, or manifests unseemly joy at winning a game, raising his voice to a high key on all occasions, is so ignorant as to be unworthy of admission into a draw- ing-room. In playing chess, avoid the other extreme of being too silent and abstracted, for such conduct is only fit for the study. Use a cheerful air, and make others feel your geni- ality, if you would win hearts as well as games The most common game at cards in American homes is Huchre, but the best game is Whist. Its terms and rules we may give: Finessing, is when a card is led, and yow have the
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44 DIME BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. best and third of that suit, you put the third best on that lead, and run the risk of your adversary having the second best of it, which if he have not, you gain the trick. Forcing, means the obliging your partner or ad- versary to trump a suit. Long trumps, means one or more when the rest are out. Loose card, means a card in hand of no value, and the best to throw away. Points : every trick above six counts as one point ; a3 many as are gained by tricks or honors, so many points are set up to the score of the game. See-saw, each partner trumping a suit. Score, is the number of points, which are set up in the following manner : 1 2 Se eB Ss. SD 9 A=3 o oO Om B10 00 000 0000 00 000 00 000) Ol C=5 0 Oo Omm5 Slam, is when either party wins every trick. Tenace, is having the first and third best cards, and being the last player, you touch the adversary when that suit is played. Terce, is a sequence of any three cards in a suit Terce Major, is ace, king, queen, of a suit. Quart, is a sequence of four. Quart Major, ace, king, queen, knave of a suit. Quint, is a sequence of five of a suit. Quint Ma- jor, ace, king, queen, knave, ten of a suit. STANDING RULES. 1.—Lead from your strong suit, and be cautions how you change suits, and keep a commanding card to bring it in again.
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\ ‘ A CARDS, CHESS, ETC. 45 2.—Lead through the strong suit and up to the _ weak; but not in trumps, unless very strong in them. 8.—Lead the highest of a sequence; but if you have a quart or cinque to a king, lead the lowest. 4.—Lead through an honor, particularly if the game be much against you. 5.—Lead your best trump if the adversaries be eight, and you have no honor; but not if you have four trumps, unless you have a sequence. 6.—Lead a trump, if you have four or five, or a strong hand; but not if weak. 7.—Having ace, king, and two or three small cards, lead ace and king, if weak in trumps; but a small one, if strong in them. 8.—If you have the last trump, with some winning cards, and one losing card only, lead the losing card. 9.—Return your partner’s lead, not the adversary’s ; and if you have only three originally, play the best, but you need not return it immediately, when you win with the king, queen, or knave, and have only small ones, or when you hold a good sequence, have a strong suit, or have five trumps. ; 10.—Do not lead from ace queen, or ace knave. 11.—Do not lead an ace, unless you have a king. 12.—Do not lead a thirteenth card, unless trumps be out. 18.—Do not trump a thirteenth card, unless you be last player, or want the lead. : 14.—Keep a small card to return your partner’s lead. 15.—Be cautious in trumping a card where strong jn trumps, particularly if you have a strong suit. 16.—Having only a few small trumps, make them when you can.
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46 DIME BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 17.—If your partner refuses to trump a suit, of which he knows you have not the best, lead your: best trump. 18.—When you hold all the remaining truinps, play one. 19.—Remember how many of each suit are out, and what is the best card left in each suit. 20.—Never force your partner, if you are weak in trumps, unless you have a renounce, or want the odd trick. 21.—When playing for the odd trick, be cautious trumping out, especially if your partner be likely to trump a suit ; and make all the tricks you can early, one avoid finessing. 22.—If you take a trick, and have a woh by win it with the lowest. 23.—KEEP YOUR TEMPER. These are the rules of the game adopted by the best players. They will be found of great assistance, particularly to wnpracticed players. Another game, not played much in this country, but a favorite society and parlor game in Europe, is the Game of Matrimony. It is played with the ordi- nary cards, and, for the spirit of the play, has chances put up as a stake, These may be anything you choose. Thus, if kisses are the stake, let their number be represented by the spots on the cards used as counters, or by figures. If any other forfeit is used as the stake, it can be understood by the players. If a goodly number of young folks (or old folks, for that matter) wish to render themselves very sociable, this game will afford the opportunity. It may be played by any number of persons, from five to four- teen. Itis composed of seven “ chances,” which are to be marked on a sheet of paper, as follows:
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CARDS, CHESS, ETO. 47 Best: The Ace of Diamonds turned up | [NTRIGUE, OR, King and Knave. Confederacy. “AUOWILL]T ‘moont pus sary KNAVE anv QUEEN. Pairs. The Highest. The game is generally played with counters. The dealer stakes what he pleases on each, or any chance, the other players depositing each the same quantity, except one: that is, when the dealer stakes twelve, the rest of the company lay down eleven each. After this, two cards are dealt round to every one, beginning on the left then ; to each one, another card, turned up, and he who happens to get the ace of diamonds, sweeps all; if it be not turned up, then each player shows his hand, and any of them having “matrimony,” “intrigue,” etc., takes the counterson that point ; and when two or more persons happen to have a similar combination, the eldest hand has the preference ; and should any chance not be gained, it stands over to the next deal. N. B. The ace of diamonds turned up takes the whole pool; but when in hand ranks only as any other ace ; and if not turned, nor any ace in hand, then the king, or next superior card, wins the chance styled bes¢,
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DIME BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. ENTERTAINMENTS, DINNZR-PARTIES, ETO, “To give an invitation,” says a brilliant writer, “is to take the responsibility of your guest’s happiness during the time he is under your roof.” This is an ambitious view of the subject; ‘we will alter it thus: “To inyite a man, is to undertake to do all in your power to make him feel satisfied with the pleasure you offer him.” In order to do which, it is essential to know the tastes of your guests. To invite two persons at enmity with each other, to an entertain- ment; is a blunder; it is unpardonable to bring such together in a small party, unless, indeed, the way to reconciliation lies open; and even in this case there is an awkwardness in the presence of enemies, which will not fail to render their presence unpleasant to others. “The pleasures of the table,” says the author of the “ Physiology of Taste,” “ belong to all ages, to all ranks, to all countries; they may be enjoyed with all other pleasures, and remain the longest. to console us for their loss.” That this enjoyment may be undis- turbed, take care that nothing occurs to chagrin any of the guests; if, therefore, the conversation falls upon a subject disagreeable to any one present, good- breeding requires that the host should skillfully turn it upon another topic. An invitation to dinner should be given at least two days beforehand, except in extraordinary cases. From an inferior to a superior, it should be made in person. In ceremonious dinners, the place of each guest is assigned beforehand; you thus ayoid putting several ladies together. Each one should have a gentleman next her. The host offers his arm to the lady deserving of
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ENTERTAINMENTS, DINNER-PARTIBS, ETC. 49 most consideration. Young people should yield to those more advanced in years. Do not forget, in passing the threshold of a door, to precede the lady who leans on your arm. This is an exception to the general rule; in every other case, the gentleman should retire a step; to allow the lady to pass. Before passing into the dining-room, each gentle- man offers his left arm to a lady, and conducts her to table. Beware of arriving too early or too late: in eithez case there is an awkwardness—in the former you in- convenience your host; in the latter, his guests. Once at table, you should not lose sight of the plate or glass of your fair neighbor, showing yourself attentive, without affectation or over-ofliciousness. Meat should be cut only according as it is carried to the mouth.. To cut up a plateful is the very height of greediness and ill-breeding. ; Bread is broken as it is wanted; after soup, which is served out by the host, the spoon remains on the plate, as it will not be used again. Where wine is used, three glasses are usually laid down to each guest at dinner: one for ordinary wines; another of smaller size for claret ; the third to receive the sparkling foam of the champagne. In drinking you should say to your neighbor, “ Sir, may I offer you ?”’ and not employ the ungenteel phrase, “ Will you take?” as if you were at the bar of some ordin- ary drinking-saloon. If the dish that you desire be too far from your neighbor, do not ask another guest; the servant will attend your orders. The noise of the knife and plate should be heard as little as possible; rapidity in eating is also ill. bred. ,
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DIMM BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. A knowledge of carving is indispensable to all men who would act the host with grace and propriety. Do not assist yourself to any dish where servants stand ready to supply you. Some persons use their bread at dinner to dry up their plates; this is intolerable beyond the family circle, and even there is rather childish. Parents should be careful to save their children from awkwardness in company, either in treading on a lady’s dress, or using the knife in eating; or worse still, their fingers. Never take any thing out of your pocket to lay on the table. The napkin should rest on the knees, only half un- folded. The fork is never to be laid on its back. The host has the knives changed for dessert. The knife and fork, and the table utensils gener- ally, should never be handed endways, but should be held by the middle. Coffee is generally served after passing into the drawing room. The lady of the house fills it out if it be after dinner; after breakfast this office may be left to a servant. The hostess should not seek to outvie her guests m the costliness of her toilet. This would be in bad taste. In England, it is the custom for ladies to retire a little before the close of the meal. American ladies are not disposed to admire this habit, and we are too gallant and too anxious to enjoy the charm of their conversation, to subject them to this mode of banish- ment. ; The lady of the house should show the same solici- ane for all her guesta, and take care that they want for nothing.
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ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. 51 In some houses, a custom has been adopted, which anpears to us vulgar, viz.: the gentlemen retire from the company for a short time to smoke ; on their re- turn to the ladies, their clothes and breath exhale the disagreeable perfume, There are few well bred wom: en to whom tobacco is not extremely offensive. The host rises to leave the table; you must remem- ber not to fold your napkin, as is usual in the fam- ily, where the same napkin serves you several times. Each gentleman offers his arm to a lady, and con- ducts her back to the drawing-room. The Romans knew how to enhance, by enjoyments unknown to us, the pleasures of the table; and the Greeks threw more poetry into their festivals than our somewhat prosaic eaters. At the banquets of Greece, the sculptured cups were crowned with roses ; singers and musicians enlivened the close of the-repast ; and the wit of the professed jester con- tributed to the entertainment of the guests. The table and side-board and mantels will always look more inyiting when dressed tastefully in flowers. A sweet bouquet before each lady is a personal com- pliment which it is easy to bestow, and one which can. not fail to please the guests. ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. Good behavior upon the street, or public promenade, marks the gentleman most effectually; rudeness, in- civility, disregard of “what the world says,” marks the person of low breeding.. We always know, in walking a square with a man, if he is a gentleman or not. A real gentility never does the following things on the street, in presence of observers :— Never picks the teeth, nor scratches the head Never swears or talks uproariously.
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52 DIMEBBOOK OF ETIQUETTE. Never picks the nose with the finger. Never smokes, or spits upon the walk, to the ex. ceeding annoyance of those who are always disgusted with tobacco in any shape. Never stares at any one, man or woman, in a marked manner. Never scans a lady’s dress impertinently, and makes no rude remarks about her. Never crowds before promenaders in a rough or hurried way. ; Never jostles a lady or gentleman without an “ ex- cuse me.” Never treads upon a lady’s dress without begging pardon. Never loses temper, nor attracts attention by ex- cited conversation. Never dresses in an odd or singular manner, so as to create remark. Never fails to raise his hat politely to a lady ac- quaintance; nor to a male friend who may be walking with a lady—it is a courtesy to the lady. Of course a lady will not be rude, nor dress so as attract undue attention, much less to create unpleasant remark. She will be kind to all; she will not absorb too much of the walk, nor fail to give half the way to either a lady or gentleman; she will not allow her skirts to drag upon the walk to the annoyance of other pedestrians; she will not fail to recognize friends by a pleasant smile and slight bow; she will not look back at any one who has passed her; she will not eye another lady's dress, as if studying its very text- ure; she will not stop upon the walk to talk with a friend to the inconvenience of others; she will not make the street a place of meeting with a person “whom she can not receive at her house. Some fe
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ETIQUETTE OF THE S@REET. 58 males do, it 1s true, not regard all these laws of proper and recognized etiquette; and such, we are forced to say, forfeit their claim to be called a lady. A true lady in the street, as in the parlor or salon, is modest, discreet, kind, obliging ; if she is to the contrary, she forfeits her right to be called after the truly genteel. It is a most unfailing mark of ignorance and low origin to “put on airs,” and to show pride, vanity, egotism in the street. The truly well-educated, well- born, and well-bred never betray vanity, conceit, super- ciliousness, nor hauteur. Set this down as an invari- able law, and, male or female, let it guide all your actions. It is proper that the lady should jirst recognize the gentleman, There has been some dispute on this point of etiquette, but we think there can be no ques- tion of the propriety of the first recognition coming from the lady. A gentleman will neyer fail to bow in return to a lady, even if he may feel coldly dis- posed toward her; but a lady may not feel at liberty to return a gentleman’s bow, which places Aim in a rather unpleasant position. A lady should give the first smile or bow, is the rule now recognized. In meeting acquaintances several times during the same promenade, it is not necessary to salute them at every passing. In offering a lady your arm, as it is proper to do upon the street, particularly in the evening, always give her the right arm, because persons in passing, observing the law “turn to the right,” would jostle her if she was upon the left arm. The practice of always giving the lady the inside of the walk, is a very useless one, and not necessary to true polite- ness. Is is always proper for a gentleman walking alone,
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54 DIME BOOK OF ETIQUETTE or with another of his sex, to give the lady, or a gen- tleman with a lady, the inside of the walk. In gallanting a lady to a carriage, take her left hand. It is truly polite to take off the hat in such a service, THK POLITENESS OF BUSINESS. A volume might with propriety be written on bus- iness proprieties, for the rules of good-breeding are so outrageously violated by employees and employers, that to detail their shortcomings would require many pages. But in business asin all other intercourse, the one invariable law of good-breeding, viz.: kindness, offers the key to all true mode of conduct. Bekind and considerate, and you will do right. The upright and model man of business never commits any of the following sins :— Never tells a falsehood, even though at times it may offer a temporary advantage. In the end it will not result happily—ncither to conscience nor to the till. It is one of the fixed laws of compensations that a wrong entails evil, sooner or later; hence, even in a selfish view, it is best always to tell the truth. , Never creates false expectations to effect a trans- action. Never repzesents an article to be what it is not. The secret of the success of A. T. Stewart, and other mer- chants of eminence, is that they never would allow any deception to be practiced upon customers. A child can buy of them as safely as an experienced person. Never breaks appointments, and never fails to keep good his word to the hour and the letter, if there is no just cause to prevent Never is absent from his business, except when absolutely necessary.
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i ADVICE TO TEE WORKING-MAN. 55 Never allows others in his employ to do what 1s not perfectly intelligible to him. Always understands his books; always keeps the run of the entire day's transactions; always knows the exact state of his bank account; always is acquainted with the doings of each one in his employ. If called upon by any person he is polite ; he gives no curt answers; he keeps none waiting unnecessa- rily ; he is solicitous of doing what will most please. In a word, the secret of business success, and the true criterion of action for the business man, young or old, is to be found in that blessed Golden Rule, which will forever hold good, viz.:— Do unto others as ye would that they should do unto you. ADVICE TO THE WORKING-MAN, Let it not be said that the first principles of good: breeding are unknown to the working-man; he may be ignorant of the usages of society, but he can, if he please, maintain a becoming and agreeable deport- ment. What generally makes him coarse and surly, is the prejudice, unhappily too widely spread, that the rich man feels above him. This is a great mis- take; it isnot the blouse that is shunned, it is the rudeness of the man who wears it. Labor is always held in esteem by any man of sense; but who can regard coarseness and rudeness with respect? Two workmen enter a saloon, they talk as if in the street, abuse those whom they name “aristocrats,” and make such a disturbance, that the waiter shows them to the door. Is it the working-man who is thus used? no, verily, it is the insulter of the public. A man in broadcloth, who should conduct himself thus, would, in like manner, be requested to retire from the com- pany of these whom he was disturbing. However,
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56 DIME BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. the operative thus treated, always exclaims:, “ Though one is a workman, he is as good as you.” But, in this case, he is not in the character of a working-man, but in that of a consumer, like all the others secking their comfort or pleasure ; none of whom would think of saying, if such a thing happened to them, “I ama lawyer;” or, “I am a physician;” or, “I am an officer.” In a public establishment, such as a cafe, or hotel, or in public conveyances, all are equal, and no one should be suffered to be insolent, or yulgar, or rude. The rich man, on his part, knows that there are laws of politeness to be observed toward all. The upstart or snob alone gives himself the habit of speak- ing rudely to those he employs; he alone affects to humble them by his tone of superiority. The man of true nobility is polite to every one, be he rich or poor. LOVE, COURTSHIP, AND MARRIAGE.* In the matter of Lovg it would be hard to lay down any formal rules; the heart is its own teacher ; if dts impulses be true and pure, your looks, words, and actions will be in no danger of doing you any particular discredit. Even awkwardness is sometimes eloquent, and makes a better companion than the ® There is much preposterous stuff before the public, in the way of books relating to love and its relations, to marriage, and to wedded life. We look upon these works, as a general thing, as vicious in their nature, because they excite passions and feelings and expecta- tions of which no one needs to be specially informed ; while their detail of processes necessary to accomplish a wished for ‘happy result” are truly disgusting. A person’s own heart, and the advice of some good sensible married friend, are all sufficient for the neces- sary guidance of & man or woman designing marriage. We propose, in some future work, to introduce this matter more fully to our readers, in a serios of papers especially addressed to young and to married folks. We hero give such general rules and observances as seem proper to bo adverted to in a work on etiquette.
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—— LOVE, COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. . §7 most elegant self-pogsession, since it proclaims the reality of your passion, and the diffidence of real affec- tion, Love has a language of its own, and will not thank any book of etiquette for a lesson. If the maiden be modest, and the youth sincere and manly, they will appreciate and understand each other with- out danger of mistakes. It has been said that any refined and delicate woman can prevent an offer which she does not intend to accept, and we believe that, in most cases, she can; saving herself the pain of refusal, and her lover tne mortification of being rejected. It is a poor triumph for a young lady to say, or to feel, that she has refused five, ten, or twenty offers of matriage; it is about the same as acknowledging her- self a trifler and coquette, who, from motives of per- sonal vanity, tempts and induces hopes and expecta- tions which she has predetermined shall be disap- pointed. Such 4 course is, to a certain degree, both unprincipled and immodest. It is a still greater crime when a man conveys the impression that he is in love, by actions, gallantries, looks, attentions, all—except that he never commit# himself—and finally withdraws his devotions, exulting in the thought that he has said or written nothing which can legally bind him. But true love, as we remarked before, will find for itself some becoming expression and— “needs not the foreign child of ornament.” Love, of course, unless some msuperable bargsier exists, will be followed in due time lfy CourrsHIP. Here some formalities will begin to be observed. The passion which blushed to own itself to itself, having - been crowned, becomes & matter of interest to others
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58 DIME ‘BOOK OF DTIQUETTE. than the two most particularly concerned. If a young man thinks fit to address himself first to the young lady, to find if his attentions be agreeable to her, he should not delay, after gaining her consent to them, to respectfully solicit the approval of her parents or guardians. This is due to them, and should not »e put off on account of any unworthy fear or timidity. It is customary in some circles for the parents to make the betrothal immediately known to their friends, and even to give a kind of preliminary festival at which the couple are publicly congratulated. Good taste will dictate the avoidance of any ex- pression of fondness between the parties when in company. Envy and satire are ever on the look-out for sub- jects of ridicule, and it is well to give them no oppor- tunity. Sentiment which is beautiful in the family circle, is often odious in society. The same rule holds good with relatives and newly-married people. Their devotion to each other should be put aside, and the claims of others upon their courtesy and time duly honored, The amount of attention permissable before mar- riage, such as walking, driving, concert-going, etc., depends very much upon the customs of the place in which the persons reside. Public opinion and habit should not be invaded without some good and weighty reason, even with the most innocent purposes. It can not be desirable to provoke remark and censure, however indifferent you may feel towards its authors. The MarriacEe ceremony varies with the fortunes and wishes of those interested. In regard to the form of the rite, no specific direc- tion are necessary; for those who are to be married by ministers, will study.the form of their particular
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LOVE, COURTSHIP, AND MARRIAGE. 59 church—the Methodists their “Book of Discipline,” the Bpiscopalians their “ Book of Common Prayer,” the Catholics their Ritual, etc., etc. Im most cases a rehearsal of the ceremony is made in private, that the pair may the more perfectly understand the necessary forms, If the parties are to be wedded by a magis- trate, the ceremony.is almost nominal—it is a mere repetition of a vow. The Catholic and Episcopal forms have the most ceremony, and doubtless are the most impressive, though no more effectually marrying than the simplest form. There are, however, some generally received rules which govern this momentous and interesting occa- sion, and to these we refer all interested, When the wedding is not strictly in private, it is customary for bridesmaids and groomsmen to be chosen to assist in the duties of the occasion. The bridesmaids should be younger than the bride; their dresses should be conformed to hers ; they should not be any more expensive, though they are permitted more ornament. They are generally chosen of light, graceful material; flowers are the principal decora- tion. The bride’s dress is marked by simplicity. But few jewels or ornaments should be worn, and those should be the gift of the bridegroom or parents. A veil and garland arethe distinguishing features of the dress. The bridesmaids assist in dressing the bride, receiv- ing the company, etc.; and, at the time of the cere- mony, Stand at her /eft side, the first bridesmaid hold- ing the bouquet and gloves. The groomsmen receive the clergyman, present him to the couple to be married, and support the bride- groom upon the right, during the ceremony.
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ky 60 DIME BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. If it is an evening wedding, at home, immediately after “these twain are made one,” they are congratu- lated: first by the relatives, then by the friends, re- ceiving the good wishes of all; after which, they are at liberty to leave their formal position, and mingle with the company. The dresses, supper, etc., are usually more festive and gay than for a morning wedding and reception, where the friends stop for a few moments only, to congratulate the newly-married pair, taste the cake and wine, and hurry away. When the ceremony is performed in church, the bride enters at the /eft, with her father, mother, and bridesmaids; or, at all events, with a bridesmaid. The groom enters at the right, followed by his attend- ants. The parents stand behind, the attendants at either side. The bride should be certain that her glove is read- ily removable; the groom, that the ring is where he can find it, to avoid delay and embarrassment. When they leave the church, the newly-married couple walk arm-in-arm. They have usually a recep- tion of a couple of hours at home, for their intimate friends, then a breakfast, then leave upon the “ bridal tour.” The wording of invitations, and the styles of cards, are so constantly changing, that it will not do to lay down rules. Cards of inyitationo the wedding are usually sent out in the name of the mother. [See page 70, ] Avfew days before the return of the wedded pair, their own especial card is sent to those whom they desire shall call upon them, and whose acquaintance they wish to retain. However plain the dress chosen for the occasion, gloves and shoes must be faultless. There should be flowers if possible; they are never more in place
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RESPECT FOR RELIGION, ETC. 6] The fee of the clergyman will be decided by the fortune and position of the groom. No doubt, in the joy of his heart, the just married will be liberal; if he is not, upon ¢izs occasion, he neyer will be. The first groomsman will take charge of this matter, The travelling dresses should not be marked by “bridal favors,” if the happy couple wish to avoid the curious scrutiny of strangers. Married people should never intrude “ family jars” nor family deyotion upon company. Husband and wife should be pleasant and affectionate in their de- meanor, With a show of reserve, while in the presence of “the world.” It is improper to say “husband” and “ wife,” in speaking of your companion to others. Use their title, as Mr. or Mrs. — that is, to all but inti- mate friends. Especially, do not introduce, “my wife,” or “my husband.” Caresses, disagreements, and significant glances betraying secret intelligence, are all out of place in general company. The “honeymoon” is «mythic time. It is gener-. ally regarded as extending to the first six weeks, during which period the young couple must give themselves up to receptions of friends, to attending parties made in their honor, etc. The real honey- moon should last through life, and will, if the pair is properly mated. Therefore, let the choice be made in no haste and passion and blindness, but in deliber- ation and calm exercise of judgment. A SPECIAL WORD TO THE LADY. These are the “rules and observances” of the marriage occasion, as far as they can be given and can be rendered practical. There are things prelim- inary to marriage itself, however, to which we ought to call the particular attention of the lady.
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62 DIME BOOK OF ETIQUETTE, It is true that, where the affections are concerned, all advice is only listened to under sufferance, but that does not change the great facts of life; as things are as they are, it is useless for any young person to hope to escape the ills that life is heir to by any closing of her eyes and ears to the experi- ences of others. We therefore offer to such as care to profit by advice, a few words. to the lady on her choice of a partner for life. The requisites for a happy marriage are of two classes: First, those which are dadispensable: Second, those which are desirable. First Cuass.—1. An indispensable requisite is an AMIABLE DISPOSITION. Whatever good qualities a man may possess, if he is selfish,.morose, sour, peevish, fretful, jealous, or passionate, he will make an un- comfortable companion. Grace may do much toward subduing these unholy tempers; yet, if they were fostered in the heart in childhood, and suffered to grow up to maturity before grace began to work, they will often break out in the family circle. How- ever, you will find it exceedingly difficult to judge in this matter. The only direction I can give on this subject is, that if you discover the exercise of any unhallowed passions in a man, with the opportunity you will have of observation, you may consider it conclusive evidence of a disposition which would render you miserable. 2. The person of your choice must. possess @ WELL- CULTIVATED MIND, In order to produce a commu- nity of feeling, and maintain a growing interest in each other’s society, both parties must possess minds well stored. with useful knowledge, and capable of continued expansion. We may love an ignorant person for his piety, but we cannot long enjoy hia
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MARRIAGE, 63 society, as a constant companion, unless the piety is mingled with intelligence. To secure your esteem, as well as your affections, he must be capable of intel- ligent conversation on all subjects of general interest. 3. His sentiments and feelihgs, on general subjects, must be CONGENIAL with your own. This is a very important matter. Persons of great worth, whose views and feelings in relation to the common con- cerns of life are opposite, may render each other very unhappy. Particularly, if you possess a refined sensibility yourself, you must look for delicacy of feeling in a companion. A very worthy man may render you unhappy by an habitual disregard of your feelings. And there are many persons who seem to be utterly insensible to the tender emotions of refined delicacy. A man who would subject you to con- tinual mortification by his coarseness and vulgarity would be incapable of sympathizing with you in all the varied trials of life. There is no need of your being deceived on this point. If you have much delicacy of feeling yourself, you can easily discover the want of it in others. If you have not, it will not be necessary in a companion. 4, Another requisite is ENERGY OF CHARACTER, Many persons think some worldly prospects are in- dispensably necessary. But a man of energy can, by the blessing of God, make his way through this world, and support a family, in this land of plenty, by his own industry, in some lawful calling. And you may be certain of the blessing of God if you obey and trust him. <A profession or calling, pursued with energy, is therefore all the estate you need re- quire. But do not trust yourself with a man who is inefficient in his undertakings, This would be lean- ing upon a broken staff.
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64 DIME BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. 5. The person of your choice must be NEARLY OF YOUR OWN AGE. Should he be younger than your- self, you wil) be tempted to look upon him as an inferior, and old age Will overtake you first. I should suppose the idea of tharrying a man advanced in years would be sufficiently revolting to the feelings of a young female to deter her from it. Yet such things often happen. But I consider it as contraven- ing the order of nature, and therefore improper. In such case you will be called upon rather to per- form the office of a daughter and a nurse than that of a wife. Srconp CxiAss.—1. Jt is desirable that the man with whom you form a connection for life should possess a SOUND BoDy. A man of vigorous constitution will be more eapable of struggling with the difficulties and trials of this world than one who is weak in body. Yet such erroneous system has been pursued in the education of the generation just now coming upon the stage of action, that the health of very few sedentary persons remains unimpaired. It would, therefore, be cruel selfishness to refuse to form a con- nection of this kind on this ground alone, provided they have no settled disease upon them. A person of feeble constitution requires the comfort and assist- ance of a companion, more than one in vigorous health. But it certainly would not be your duty to throw yourself away upon a person already under the influence of an incurable disease. 2. REFINEMENT OF MANNERS @ @ very desirable quality in a companion for life. This renders a per- son’s society more agreeable and pleasant, and may be the means of increasing his usefulness. Yet it will not answer to make it a test of character; for it is often the case that men of the brightest talents,
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MARRIAGE. 65 and of extensive education, who are in every other respect amiable and worthy, have neglected the cul- tivation of their manners ; while there are very many, destitute alike of talent and education, who seem to be adepts in the art of politeness. However, this may be cultivated by a person who appreciates its importance, 3. A SOUND JUDGMENT is also very necessary to en- able a@ man to direct the common affairs of life. However, this may also be cultivated by experience, and therefore can not be called indispensable. 4, PRUDENCE ts very desirable. The rashest youth, however, will learn prudence by experience. After a few falls he will look forward before he steps, that he may foresee and shun the evil that is before him; but, if you choose such a one, take care that you do not fall with him, and both of you break your necks together. 5. It is a matter of great importance that the per- son with whom you form a connection for life should belong to the same denomination of Christians with yourself, if you are a church-member. The separa- tion of a family, in their attendance upon public worship, is productive of great inconvenience and perplexity ; and there is serious danger of its giving rise to unpleasant feelings, and becoming an occasion of discord. I think it should be a very serious ob- jection against any man, that he belongs to a differ- ent communion from yourself. Yet I dare not say that I would prefer single life to a connection of this kind. In addition to these, your own good sense and taate will suggest many other desirable qualities in a companion for life. Upon recciving the addresses of a man, your first
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66 DIME BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. object should be to ascertain whether he possesses those prominent traits of character which you con- sider indispensable. If he lack any one of these, you have no further inquiry to make. Inform him openly and ingenuously of your decision ; but spare his feelings as far as you can consistently with sin- cerity. He is entitled to your gratitude for the pre- ference he has manifested for yourself. Therefore, treat him courteously and tenderly ; yet let him un- derstand that your decision is conclusive and final. If he possesses the feelings of a gentleman, this course will secure for you his esteem and friendship. But, if you are satisfied with respect to these promi- nent traits of character, next look for those qualities which you consider desirable, though not indespensa- ble. If you discover few or none of these, it will be a serious objection against him. But you need not expect to find them all combined in any one per- son. If you seek fora perfect character, you will be disappointed. In this, as well as every other re- lation of life, you will need to exercise forbearance. The best of men are compassed’ about with imper- fection and infirmity. Besides, as you are not per- fect yourself, it would seem like a species of injus- tice to require perfection in a companion. While deciding these points, keep your feelings en- tirely under control. Suffer them to have no influ- ence upon your judgment. Many persons have, no doubt, destroyed their happiness for life by suffering their feelings to get the better of their judgment. When you have satisfied yourself in relation to these things, and the person whose addresses you are receiving has distinctly avowed his intentions, you may remove the restraint from your feelings, which, as well as your judgment, have a deep concern in
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CARDS, CH88, ETC. 67 the affair. A happy and prosperous union must have for its basis a mutual sentiment of affection of a peculiar kind. If you are satisfied that this senti- ment exists on his part, you are to inquire whether you can exercise it toward him. For, with many persons of worth whom we may esteem, there is often wanting a certain undefinable combination of qualities, not improperly termed the soul of charac- ter, which alone seems to call out the exercise of that peculiar sentiment of which we are speaking ; but I sincerely charge you never to form a connec- tion which is not based upon this principle; and that for the following reasons: 1. We all need the aid of the warmest affection to enable us to exercise that mutual forbearance so indispensable to the peace and happiness of the domestic circle. 2. That the marriage covenant should be cemented by a principle of a peculiar kind will appear from the superiority of the soul over the body. When two human beings unite their destinies, there must be a union of soul, or else such union is but partial. And the union of soul must be the foundation of the outward union, and of course precede it. 3. We may infer the same thing from the exist- ence of such a principle in the human breast. That it does exist may be abundantly proved, both by Scripture and experience. When Adam first saw Eve, he declared the nature of this union, and added, “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave unto his wife ;” implying that the affection between the parties to this connection should be superior to all other human attachments. The frown of God must, then, rest upon a union founded upon any other principle ; for by it the order of na-
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68 DIME BOOK OF RTIQUETTE. ture is contravened, and therefore the blessings of peace and happiness can not be expected to attend it. But, love is not a principle which is brought into existence as it were by magic. It must always be exercised in view of an object. Do not, therefore, hastily decide that you can not love a man who pos- sesses the prominent traits of character necessary to render you happy. You ought, however, to be fully satisfied that such a sentiment, of a permanent charac- ter, does really exist in your own bosom, before you con- sent Jo a@ union.. In your ordinary intercourse with gentlemen, much caution should be observed. Always maintain a dignity of character, and neyer condescend to trifle. But, in your conversation on general subjects, you may exercise the same sociability and freedom which you would with ladies, not seeming to be sensible of any difference of sex. Indignantly repel any im- proper liberties; but never decline attentions which are considered as belonging to the rules of common politeness, unless there should be something in the character of the individual which would justify you in wishing wholly to avoid his society. Some men are so disagreeable in their attentions, and so obtru- sive of their company, that they become a great annoyance to Jadies. I think the latter justifiable in refusing ordinary attentions from such men till they learn better manners. Pay the strictest regard to propriety and delicacy in all your conduct; yet do not maintain such a cold reserve and chilling distance as to produce the impression in the mind of every one you meet that you dislike his society. -No gen- tleman of refined and delicate feelings will intrude his company upon ladies when he thinks it is not Jesired ; and you may create this impression by car-
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MARRIAGE, 69 rying the rules of propriety to the extreme of reserve. But the contrary extreme, of manifesting and exces- sive fondness for the society of gentlemen, is still more to be avoided. By cultivating an acute sense of pro- priety in all things, with a nice discrimination of judgment, you will be able generally to direct your conduct aright in these matters. Never indulge feelings of partiality for any man until he has distinctly avowed his own sentiments, and you have deliberately determined the several points already mentioned. If you-do, you may sub- ject yourself to much needless disquietude, and, per- haps, the most unpleasant disappointments. And the wounded feeling thus produced may have an injurious effect upon your subsequent character and happiness. Let us close with a few brief remarks of a general nature : 1. Do not suffer this subject to occupy a very ‘prominent place in your thoughts. To be constantly ruminating upon it can hardly fail of exerting an injurious influence upon your mind, feelings, and de- portment; and you will be almost certain to-betray yourself in the society of gentlemen, and, perhaps, become the subject of merriment, as one who is anxious for a husband. 2. Do not make this a subject of common conver- sation. There is, perhaps, nothing which has a stronger tendency to deteriorate the social intercourse of young people than the disposition to give the sub- ject of matrimonial alliances so prominent a place in their conversation,e and to make it a matter of jesting and mirth. 8. Do not speak of voir own private affairs of this kind, so as to have them become the subject a
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70 DIME BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. conversation among the circle of your acquaintances. It certainly does not add to the esteem of a young lady, among sensible people, for her to be heard talk ing about her beaux. Especially is this caution ne- { — cessary in the case of a matrimonial engagement. Remember the old adage: - There’s many a slip Between the cup and the lip,” and consider how your feelings would be mortified if, after making such an engagement generally known ‘ among your acquaintances, any thing should occur to break it off. 4. Do not make an engagement a long time before you expect it to be consummated. Such engage- - ments are surrounded with peril. In short, cultivate the most delicate sense of pro- priety in regard to every thing having the most dis- tant relation to this matter; and let all your feelings, conversation and conduct be regulated upon the most elevated principles of purity, refinement, and religion ; but do not carry your delicacy and reserve to the extreme of prudery, which is an unlovely trait of character, and which adds nothing to the strength of virtue. VERY IMPOLITE THINGS, Loud and boisterous laughter. Reading when others are talking. Reading aloud in company without being asked. Talking when others are reading. Spitting about the house, smoking or chewing Cutting your finger nails in company. . Leaving a church before public worship ia * closed. 8. Whispering or laughing in the house of God. ISA ere
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GOOD MANNERS ON THE ICE. 99 for there always are loafers who will make remarks upon such exposure which no lady of modesty will care to hear. Gentlemen should be attentive to partners on the ice, but not annoyingly so, for a lady needs much freedom from restraint to enable her to get over the field gracefully and comfortably. A gentleman never will be rude on the pond, to any one, for the pleasure of the occasion depends almost entirely on the good- feeling prevalent, and the general desire to see every body enjoy themselves. If a person is rude on the ice, no matter who he is or what his position, set him down as a loafer. Nor will any gentleman pre- sume to speak to a lady until properly introduced. On the ice, even more than in the ball-room, it is necessary to stand upon the strict forms of recogni- tion in order to escape the attentions of those who i right to acquaintance. Young girls, in par- ticular, should be very careful about permitting strangers to address them; they should “ stand on their dignity” in good earnest—it is the only safe course to pursue on the pond. A gentleman partner is expected to put on and to take off the lady’s skates, being careful to do so with every degree of delicacy. Of the rules which all ladies should be particular to observe in order to guard their health against ex- posure incident to the exercise, the following, per- scribed by Dr. Hall, are worthy of attention : 1. Avoid skates which are strapped on the feet, as they prevent circulation, and the foot becomes frozen before the skater is aware of it, because the tight srapping benumbs the foot and deprives it of feeling. é 9. It ig not the object so much to skate fast as to
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100 DIMB BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. skate gracefully ; and this is sooner and more easily learned by skating with deliberation ; while it pre- vents overheating, and diminishes the chances of taking cold by cooling off too soon afterward. 3. If the wind is blowing, a vail should be worn over the face, at least of ladies and children; other- wise, fatal inflammation of the lungs, ‘“ pneumonia,” may take place. 4, Do not sit down to rest a single half-minute ; nor stand still, if there is any wind; nor stay a mo- ment after the skates are taken off; but walk around so as to restore circulation about the feet and toes, and to prevent being chilled. 5. It is safer to walk home than to ride ; the lat- ter is almost certain to give a cold. 6. Never carry any thing in the mouth while skat- ing, nor any hard substance in the hand; nor throw any thing on the ice; none but a careless, reckless ignoramus would thus endanger a fellow skater a Fall. 7. If the thermometer is below thirty, and the wind is blowing, no lady or child should be skating. 8. Always keep your eyes about you, looking ahead and upward, not on the ice, that you may not run against some lady, child, or learner. 9. Arrange to have an extra garment, thick and heavy, to throw over your shoulders the moment you cease skating, and thén walk home, or at least half a mile, with your mouth closed, so that your lungs may not be quickly chilled by the cold air dashing upon them, through the open mouth ; if. it passes through the nose and head, it is warmed before it gets to the lungs. 10. It would be a safe rule for no lady or child to remain on skates more than an hour at a time.
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