Podcasts · Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship

#216 - Are You Expecting Too Much From One Friend? (Sally Vardaman)

· 34 min · S1 E216

Episode #216 - Are You Expecting Too Much From One Friend? (Sally Vardaman)

0:00 34:02

When Your Friendship Needs Don't Match

Are you expecting too much from a friend, or are you accepting too little? It's a question that comes up again and again in the letters I receive from listeners of Dear Nina. Sometimes a friendship truly is one-sided. But sometimes two people care deeply about each other and simply have different needs from a friendship.

I'm bringing back a conversation from episode 80 with Minneapolis-based writer Sally Vardaman, author of Shoot the Arrows. Sally originally reached out after hearing an episode with my mom (episode 72) in which we discussed a friendship that ended, in part, because my mom felt the other person was "too needy."

Sally shared a remarkably honest story about being the friend who wanted more. For years, she felt disappointed that one of her closest friends couldn't meet certain emotional needs, even though they had a loving friendship. Eventually, they talked about the mismatch and found a way to move forward without expecting either person to change.

Sally and I discussed:

• Why "needy" is such a loaded word in friendship • How insecurity can influence our expectations of friends • Why we sometimes look to one particular friend for proof that we're loved • How to set boundaries without abandoning a friendship • Why having unmet needs doesn't necessarily mean a friend is letting us down

Can we accept that a friend isn't able to give us everything we're looking for without deciding they're a bad friend? And how do we know when we need to adjust our expectations versus reconsider the friendship itself?

LINKS MENTIONED:

• Episode 72: Grudges and Apologies in Friendships • Books Sally has found helpful:

-Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, a great assessment on attachment issues with lots of practical suggestions for all attachment types.

-Platonic by Marisa Franco, a look at attachment specifically in friendships (pretty sure I heard about this one through Dear Nina 🙂

-How to Be Your Own Best Friend by Mildred Newman and Bernard Berkowitz (first published in 1971, thank you Nora Ephron!)

-Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melodie Beattie (first published in 1986)

-Lying by Sam Harris

MEET SALLY VARDAMAN

Sally Vardaman is a writer who believes in the power of stories to make us think, question our assumptions, and connect with each other despite our differences. She is the author of Shoot the Arrows, a book of essays to her three children on why honesty and self-reflection are the keys to a healthy and meaningful life. You can find more about her work at sallyvardaman.com. As well as on Facebook, Instagram, and Goodreads.

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