7.8: Listening Responses

Silent Listening

Silent listening(opens in new window) occurs when you say nothing. It is ideal in certain situations and awful in other situations. However, when used correctly, it can be a powerful tool. If misused, you could give the wrong impression to someone. It is appropriate to use when you don’t want to encourage more talking. It also shows that you are open to the speaker’s ideas.

Sometimes people get angry when someone doesn’t respond. They might think that this person is not listening or trying to avoid the situation. But it might be because the person is just trying to gather their thoughts, or perhaps it would be inappropriate to respond. There are certain situations, such as in counseling, where silent listening can be beneficial because it helps the person figure out their feelings and emotions.

Questioning

In situations where you want to gather information, it can be beneficial to use questioning techniques. You can accomplish this in several ways. There are several ways to question in a sincere, nondirective way (see Table 7.5).

You might have different types of questions. Sincere questions are those created to find a genuine answer. Counterfeit questions are disguised attempts to send a message, not to receive one. Sometimes, counterfeit questions can cause the listener to be defensive. For instance, if someone asks you, “Tell me how often you used crystal meth.” The speaker implies that you have used meth, even though that has not been established. A speaker can use questions that make statements by emphasizing specific words or phrases, stating an opinion or feeling on the subject. They can ask questions that carry hidden agendas, like “Do you have $5?” because the person would like to borrow that money. Some questions seek “correct” answers. For instance, when a friend says, “Do I look fat?” You probably have a correct or ideal answer. Some questions are based on unchecked assumptions. An example would be, “Why aren’t you listening?” This example implies that the person wasn’t listening, when in fact they are listening.

Paraphrasing

Paraphrasing(opens in new window) is defined as restating in your own words, the message you think the speaker just sent. There are three types of paraphrasing. First, you can change the speaker’s wording to indicate what you think they meant. Second, you can offer an example of what you think the speaker is talking about. Third, you can reflect on the underlying emotional theme of a speaker’s remarks. Paraphrasing represents mindful listening in the way that you are trying to analyze and understand the speaker’s information. Paraphrasing can be used to summarize facts and to gain consensus in essential discussions. This could be used in a business meeting to ensure that all details are discussed and agreed upon. Paraphrasing can also be used to understand personal information more accurately. Think about being in a counselor’s office. Counselors often paraphrase information to better understand exactly how you are feeling and to analyze the information more effectively.

Steps for paraphrasing include:

• Listen to the entire message. What is the need of this exchange?
• Repeat a short summary of the message back to the speaker.
  • Content Summary: Capture a highlight of the facts.
  • Emotional Summary: Capture the essence of how the other person is feeling.
• Request feedback: Check in with the speaker to make sure you understood them correctly. For example, “Did I understand you?” Or “Is there anything I missed?”

Empathizing

Empathizing(opens in new window) is used to show that you identify with a speaker’s information. You are not empathizing when you deny others the rights to their feelings. Examples of this are statements such as, “It’s really not a big deal” or “Who cares?” This suggests that the listener is attempting to evoke a different emotional response from the speaker. In minimizing the significance of the situation, you are interpreting the situation in your perspective and passing judgment.

Sample empathetic listening responses include:

• “It sounds like this situation has been weighing heavily on you, and you’ve been carrying a lot on your own.”
• “I hear how frustrated you’re feeling, and it makes sense given everything you’ve been dealing with.”
• “It seems like you’re feeling really overwhelmed right now, and I want you to know I’m here with you.”
• “From what you’re sharing, it sounds like you’re torn and trying your best to navigate something really difficult.”
• “I can hear how important this is to you, and it makes sense that you’d feel emotional about it.”

Supporting

Sometimes, in a discussion, people want to know how you feel about them instead of a reflection on the content. Several types of supportive responses are: agreement, offers to help, praise, reassurance, and diversion. The value of receiving support when faced with personal problems is very important. This has been demonstrated to improve psychological, physical, and relational well-being. To effectively support others, you must meet certain criteria. Make sure that your expression of support is sincere, be sure that the other person can accept your support, and focus on “here and now” rather than “then and there.”

Sample supportive statements may include:

• Your family is lucky to have you during this difficult time.
• I can't imagine a better person for the job.
• I know you are feeling down about relationship right now, but can you see how far you've come?

Analyzing

Analyzing(opens in new window) is helpful in gaining different alternatives and perspectives by offering an interpretation of the speaker’s message. However, this can be problematic at times. Sometimes the speaker might not understand your perspective or may become more confused by accepting it. To avoid this, steps must be taken in advance. These include tentatively offering your interpretation rather than presenting it as an absolute fact. By being more sensitive to it, the speaker might feel more comfortable accepting it. You can also ensure that your analysis has a reasonable chance of being accurate. If it were inaccurate, it would leave the person more confused than before. Additionally, ensure that the person will be receptive to your analysis and that your motive for offering is genuinely to help the other person. An analysis offered under any other circumstances is useless.

Evaluating

Evaluating appraises the speaker’s thoughts or behavior. The evaluation can be favorable (“That makes sense”) or negative (passing judgment). Negative evaluations can be critical or non-critical (constructive criticism). Two conditions offer the best chance for evaluations to be received: if the person with the problem requested an evaluation, and if it is genuinely constructive and not designed as a putdown.

Advising

Advising differs from evaluations. It is not always the best solution and can sometimes be harmful. In order to avoid this, you must make sure four conditions are present: be sure the person is receptive to your suggestions, make sure they are truly ready to accept it, be confident in the correctness of your advice, and be sure the receiver won’t blame you if it doesn’t work out.

Notice how the effective listener acknowledged the speaker’s feelings, asked clarifying questions and paraphrased their message. In the end, the speaker expressed gratitude to the listener, implying that they were feeling truly heard. However, in the ineffective listening example, the listener is not fully engaged. They are scrolling on their phone, looking at an unrelated video, interrupting, and making judgmental statements. These actions leave the speaker feeling defensive and unheard, causing a rift in the relationship. Reflecting on the exercise you completed earlier, identify your strengths and weaknesses with active listening, and consider how your actions as a listener affect your relationships. What might you change in your listening habits to better support someone important in your life and potentially strengthen that interpersonal relationship?

“Communication Skills” in the Education and Career Planning Open Course by Mary Shier. CC BY.

Adapted from: Interpersonal Communication 2nd Edition Copyright © 2025 by Jason S. Wrench; Narissra M. Punyanunt-Carter; and Katherine S. Thweatt is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License, except where otherwise noted.

Adler, R., Rosenfeld, L. B., & Proctor II, R. F. (2013). Interplay: The process of interpersonal communication. Oxford.