# Are these old emotional wounds or something real happening now?

An episode of [The Overwhelmed Brain](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/743537890), 7 Jun 2026, 46 min.

Audio: https://verifi.podscribe.com/rss/p/dts.podtrac.com/redirect.mp3/prfx.byspotify.com/e/pscrb.fm/rss/p/traffic.libsyn.com/secure/theoverwhelmedbrain/668_-_Is_it_my_insecurity_or_whats_really_happening_in_the_moment.mp3?dest-id=168817

Are old emotional wounds triggering you today? A woman reached out and shares her struggles about choices she made about a pregnancy and how her partner may have lied about his communication with his ex at the beginning of their relationship. Challenging topics to cover.

## Transcript

[0:00] Welcome to the Overwhelmed Brain Podcast, helping you navigate the difficulties in your life and relationships.
[0:06] These are my personal opinions.
[0:08] Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well-being.
[0:16] Welcome to the show. My name is Paul Colaianni.
[0:20] I have been your host since 2013, and I really like what I do. I hope so.
[0:28] Longest job I've ever held.
[0:31] I'm glad that you are here.
[0:33] I've got a tough one.
[0:34] I've said this before, I probably say it too much, but I have a tough question today.
[0:37] It's a tough question, mainly because it's about a woman, her body, her choices, her feelings
[0:45] about her choices, and how she's triggered today in her relationship, perhaps related to those
[0:52] choices, or perhaps about something else.
[0:56] I'm just going to read you her message and we'll we'll go from there.
[1:01] She wrote, I'm in my 30s and in a relationship I genuinely want to be in, but I keep getting
[1:06] triggered by unresolved hurt from the beginning of it.
[1:09] Shortly after we started seeing each other, I unexpectedly fell pregnant just before he left.
[1:15] We weren't officially together anyway, and I didn't tell him I was pregnant.
[1:19] Communication dropped off while he was away, and I ultimately had an abortion without him knowing.
[1:25] I carried that experience entirely alone.
[1:28] When he returned, I later discovered that he had reconnected with his ex-girlfriend.
[1:33] That was incredibly painful given what I had just gone through.
[1:36] We eventually worked through it, broke up, got back together, and have since built a loving relationship.
[1:44] Recently, I discovered that there had been further contact with his ex after the timeline I believed.
[1:51] I believe what he told me for an explanation, but it reopened old wounds around feeling chosen, secure, and important.
[2:00] How do I know whether I'm reacting to present-day issues or unresolved grief from that period?
[2:07] Thank you for sharing that.
[2:09] First of all, I am so, so sorry that you went through that experience alone.
[2:14] It is— I'm sure it's one of the scariest experiences for a woman to go through, and I'm sure,
[2:21] you know, that was a very traumatic thing to go through.
[2:26] And to have to do that alone, that— again, I am so sorry you went through that alone.
[2:33] So now, we have made choices— I'm talking about you— you have made choices that put you in that
[2:40] position, and I'm not here blaming you for that.
[2:45] I'm saying let's look at these choices.
[2:48] You, you made a choice not to tell him.
[2:51] You made a choice to not carry the baby to term and not tell him about it.
[2:57] So the reason I'm bringing this up is, again, not to victim shame you, or not to blame you,
[3:03] not to do any of that.
[3:04] It's just to face the choices, face the— any dilemma that you might have had with those choices.
[3:11] Because if those choices that you made back then, that choice not to tell him, that choice to
[3:17] go through an abortion without telling him, and all these choices that you made back then, I
[3:24] don't know where you are with them.
[3:27] In fact, I would ask myself, if I were in your position, I would ask myself, okay, let me go
[3:34] through each and every choice I made and ask myself how I feel about it. Okay, the first choice.
[3:41] The first choice is you said you weren't together anyway. Was that your choice?
[3:46] Was that a choice you made because he was leaving?
[3:49] I mean, I left some of the email out just to protect your privacy and his, but he left and he wasn't available.
[3:57] So now we have the question, do I regret not being with him, or do I regret not wanting to be
[4:05] with him or wanting to go with him or whatever? Is there a regret?
[4:10] Is there a feeling about that? Or was it mutual?
[4:14] Okay, we're not together and we had this short time together, but we're not really together.
[4:20] So okay, I'm okay with that.
[4:22] If you're not okay with that, that's something to think about and reflect upon and just work through it.
[4:29] Okay, why aren't I okay with that?
[4:31] Maybe I should have made a different choice.
[4:33] But if you are okay with that, I mean, you're together now, so maybe that's not a problem.
[4:38] If you're okay with that, we go to the next question.
[4:42] I got pregnant and I didn't tell him.
[4:44] Are you okay with that?
[4:47] If you're not okay with that, that's something to work through, to reflect upon, and even talk about with him.
[4:54] And I don't know if you've had that conversation, but right now, in this moment, I'm just asking
[5:02] you to address the questions that might have feelings attached to them, or the answers to those
[5:10] questions that might have feelings attached to them.
[5:13] So if you have any negative feelings about not telling him that you were pregnant, let's bring those up. Let's think about them. Let's reflect upon them.
[5:23] And let's ask ourselves, okay, what am I feeling about that?
[5:27] And do you have any regrets about that, not telling him?
[5:30] If you do, has he been made aware of those regrets?
[5:35] Have you told him about these regrets?
[5:37] And I know there's a secondary question in here, or actually a primary question in here, where
[5:42] you said that the timeline that you believed that he wasn't in touch with his ex wasn't the
[5:47] same timeline that he really was in touch with his ex.
[5:50] So I'll address that, or we'll talk about that in a moment.
[5:54] But right now, We're going back to the past.
[5:57] We're asking ourselves how we feel about these things. Do we have regrets?
[6:02] Do we have feelings about just each individual— or each individual item?
[6:09] Do I regret not being in the relationship with him?
[6:11] Was that up to me?
[6:13] Do I regret not telling him I was pregnant?
[6:17] And if I do, have I talked about those regrets with him? Today?
[6:22] So that's like connecting the past with the present, because if you do have things on your mind
[6:28] about that and you haven't discussed those things with him, that would be important. So there's that question.
[6:34] Next question, probably a bigger one do I regret having an abortion?
[6:40] This is your personal question about yourself to yourself, because if you have thoughts and feelings about that.
[6:50] I mean, I think every woman who has had an abortion has thoughts and feelings about it, of course.
[6:55] But if you were holding on to negativity about that, if there's something that hasn't been resolved
[7:00] about that, that certainly needs to be thought about and reflected upon and maybe even talked with your partner.
[7:11] And what is that regret?
[7:13] Is And do you wish you made a different choice, or are you okay with the choice that you made
[7:18] but you still have thoughts and feelings about it?
[7:20] I mean, there are all kinds of complex thoughts and feelings that can surround something like that.
[7:26] I know it's a very traumatic thing for a lot of women, or probably every woman that has gone through it.
[7:32] So address that inside yourself. Ask yourself about that.
[7:37] The next question is, do you regret Or do you have thoughts and feelings about having the abortion without his input?
[7:47] You see how I'm breaking all these things down into very single specific items.
[7:54] If you do this, it can help you get in touch with any unfinished business.
[8:01] It's not the best way to put it, but you know what I mean.
[8:04] Unresolved thoughts and feelings or unhealed parts of yourself that are important to address.
[8:13] And so I want you to break your message to me down into those very specific parts, those very specific questions.
[8:23] And you can think about it linearly in sequence.
[8:26] So the very first thing, like I asked you, was about your relationship with him.
[8:32] Are there any thoughts or feelings or regrets or even resentments about not being in the relationship
[8:40] with him or about being in the relationship with him back then?
[8:45] So that's the first part of this linear sequence of events.
[8:49] The second part, he left.
[8:52] I mean, I didn't even ask that.
[8:53] When he left, do you have any thoughts and feelings, resentments or regrets about him leaving?
[8:59] Because let's just say that you are upset that he chose to leave instead of be with you.
[9:06] Maybe there's some thoughts and feelings about that, or maybe it's mutual and everything was
[9:11] copacetic and that's not an issue at all.
[9:14] So again, come up with these questions for yourself about your thoughts, feelings, regrets,
[9:20] resentments, or anything else that might— that you might be holding on to.
[9:24] That might be in there that need to be addressed.
[9:28] And I'm not saying that once you bring them up and think about them and reflect upon them that
[9:33] it'll all be resolved, but you do need to— in my opinion, you do need to identify them.
[9:38] Let's identify what we might be holding on to or what still might be a thing attached to us.
[9:46] You know, not the best way to put it, but it's sort of like it comes with us.
[9:51] It's with us all the time, and if it's with us all the time, yes, it's going to affect our present.
[9:57] It's going to affect and trigger us in the present moment, which is definitely relating to your question.
[10:04] So ask yourself these questions, break those things down into very specific events that you can ask yourself about.
[10:13] That way you'll come to some semi-conclusions about what you might still have inside you that
[10:21] might still be present today.
[10:23] Now let's talk about the timeline thing.
[10:26] Like, you said that he got in touch with his ex-girlfriend.
[10:29] There's another, you know, event that we can break down into questions. You weren't together.
[10:36] It sounded like it was agreed upon by both of you.
[10:39] I don't know if there are any hurt feelings or anything like that, but from your message, it
[10:43] says you weren't together and That did sound like that's the way it was.
[10:48] So if he got in touch with his ex-girlfriend, then do you have a feeling about that?
[10:54] Let's just say that you didn't get pregnant.
[10:56] We're going to throw this creative thinking in here.
[10:59] Let's say you didn't get pregnant and he did get in touch with his ex-girlfriend and you weren't together.
[11:06] Would you still have any thoughts or feelings or regrets or resentments about that? You might.
[11:11] There might be some feelings there, but does it change if you were never pregnant?
[11:15] Does it change if you never had an abortion? Things like that. So ask yourself that.
[11:21] Now let's just go one step further.
[11:24] You never got pregnant, you never had an abortion, and you weren't together.
[11:29] He met his ex-girlfriend or met up with his ex-girlfriend, and then you got back together and
[11:33] you rekindled, you reconciled, and you actually started a great relationship, but then you found
[11:39] out that he was still in touch with his ex-girlfriend maybe a month or two or longer after you
[11:47] decided that you were mutually exclusive— exclusive— exclusive.
[11:53] After you decided that you were exclusive and you weren't going to date anybody else, and now
[11:58] you are here for each other, does his connection to his ex-girlfriend matter as much because
[12:06] you weren't ever pregnant in this scenario.
[12:10] It's a little bit of a tangent here, but I want you to go there just for a moment.
[12:15] You may feel the same way, because I have a feeling that your message is more about a feeling
[12:21] of betrayal, feeling that somebody lied to you, or that you interpreted something wrong and
[12:27] they didn't clarify it, something like that.
[12:31] Because of what you said here.
[12:33] So I kind of want you to visit that too.
[12:36] Like, if I wasn't pregnant, if I didn't go through that, and he met up with his ex-girlfriend
[12:40] and he made a white lie— white lie is still a lie— but he made a white lie that he didn't, or
[12:47] he wasn't in touch with her, but a few weeks later he did get in touch with her, but then they never talked again.
[12:53] Just go through that scenario in your mind and —figure out where you are with that.
[12:59] Now let's just say that you are still upset, and it's just as upsetting whether you were pregnant
[13:04] or not, whether all of that happened or not.
[13:07] Now we have the very specific event of what you probably consider a betrayal.
[13:15] And if that's the case, if you consider him not being clear or him outright lying about him
[13:23] talking with his ex-girlfriend after you became exclusive.
[13:28] And now we have to have a real conversation.
[13:31] And what I mean by that is, first of all, you need to get clear in yourself about how you feel about that.
[13:40] Like, if you feel completely betrayed by his lie— if he did lie, I actually wish you shared
[13:48] if he lied or not, or if it just wasn't brought up again,, or if you think he was hiding it,
[13:54] some of this does make a difference.
[13:57] Like, if he didn't think to tell you because it was no big deal, because he had already broken
[14:01] up with her or doesn't really talk to her at all, and they had a couple communications and it
[14:06] was no big deal to him and he just moved forward and didn't think about her at all, that might
[14:10] look different than if you told me, he said that they weren't talking, but for 6 months they were. That's completely different.
[14:19] That's practically— I'm going to call it out— it's practically an emotional affair.
[14:24] Because if somebody is communicating with their ex and hides that from their current partner,
[14:31] that is, in my opinion, a betrayal. That's a betrayal.
[14:35] Because if they know, if the person who's doing that knows that their partner would be upset
[14:41] if they were talking to their ex, So they don't tell him. That's a betrayal.
[14:47] That is an emotional affair of sorts.
[14:50] It just depends on what they're talking about, or it could have been a full-on emotional affair,
[14:54] but it's definitely a betrayal because, you know, you're supposed to have honesty and you're
[14:59] supposed to be authentic with each other and transparent with each other.
[15:03] And excuse my language, shit like that shouldn't happen in a relationship. It shouldn't happen.
[15:10] You shouldn't be hiding things because you're worried about how somebody else feels about it.
[15:15] You should just bring it up.
[15:16] Let's just talk about it. "Hey, my ex-girlfriend called and yeah, I had a conversation with her.
[15:21] I know you don't like her and this is what happened.
[15:24] This is what we talked about and I tried to end it fast and she just wouldn't let me off the phone.
[15:29] I finally said goodbye." I mean, that's the kind of stuff you bring up and have a conversation about.
[15:35] Now, if he really appreciates his ex as a friend, then he needs to be honest about that, saying,
[15:43] hey, you know, my ex is a friend.
[15:44] I don't want her in my life anymore, and I really enjoy talking to her.
[15:48] We don't talk about, you know, our partners and how upset they make us.
[15:54] We don't talk about that kind of stuff.
[15:56] You know, we just, we have things in common.
[15:58] That might be a different story.
[15:59] You know, I'm not saying that's good or bad and, you know, good for the relationship.
[16:03] Sometimes what's best for the relationship is making the ex truly an ex, leaving them out of your life. Sometimes, sometimes it's not. Sometimes people get along.
[16:14] My wife actually really loves my ex.
[16:19] She wishes we were closer so they could hang out together because they are so much alike.
[16:25] I am friends with my ex, and not my ex-wife, but, you know, a previous ex where we reconnected
[16:31] again, at least on Facebook and stuff.
[16:34] And my ex just like really likes her and she wishes that we were all in the same town so we could hang out. So there's that.
[16:42] I mean, people get along and people move on from their relationships and become friends.
[16:47] And sometimes that happens and sometimes it's a problem.
[16:50] When it's a problem, I prefer moving in the direction of where I'm going to spend and be, or
[16:56] spend most of my time and the person I'm going to be with. Most of my time.
[17:00] That's where I put my energy.
[17:02] So if the subject of my ex came up and my wife, eh, she didn't feel comfortable about that,
[17:08] then I would say, "Well, I'm not going to talk to my ex anymore because my life is all about
[17:13] you and how we grow together and be together and experience life together." That said, it would
[17:21] be a subject of conversation if that were a problem.
[17:26] Because I would rather be with somebody who trusts me 100% not to do anything with my ex or
[17:35] speak about certain emotional things about my relationship with my wife, or even physical things with my relationship.
[17:43] Like, I wouldn't bring up that stuff because, you know, I know the appropriate boundaries of
[17:49] a relationship, and she does too.
[17:51] So we trust each other in that respect.
[17:53] She talks to her ex. Our exes.
[17:56] She talks to some of her exes.
[17:58] I know she has to talk to one of them because it's the father of her son, so that has to happen.
[18:04] But I have no worries.
[18:05] But if you do have worries, I am all about putting the energy into the relationship that matters
[18:10] most, not the one that has a possibility of interfering, or at least interfering with the longevity
[18:18] of the relationship that you want to keep.
[18:21] I think that's where your energy should go, is into the relationship that you want to keep.
[18:25] If your energy goes into two relationships and you want to keep both, and you know you'll lose
[18:29] one of them if you keep both, that's a consideration. And it's a conversation.
[18:36] It's something you have to talk about.
[18:38] So that may or may not go your way. It just depends.
[18:42] But, and that's another subject for another time.
[18:44] But I want to talk about the person who wrote and they said, I discovered that there had been
[18:50] further contact with his ex after the timeline I believed.
[18:56] And she said, I believed his explanation.
[18:58] So clearly he came up with a reason that there was more contact after the timeline that she
[19:08] believed, because she wrote specifically after the timeline I believed.
[19:13] So That sounds like him saying, "Yeah, when we got back together, my ex called me and, you know,
[19:20] I didn't want to— like I said earlier, I didn't want to have that conversation, but I did.
[19:24] I just, you know, we talked for a while and she called me a couple more times and then I hadn't
[19:28] heard from her since." That may have been his flippant, unattached response because it was not
[19:37] as meaningful to him as it was to the person who wrote to me here.
[19:41] So he may not have thought about it.
[19:44] Now, if he knew that his current partner, the person who wrote to me, had strong feelings about
[19:50] it, then he made a mistake by not telling her or not being clear with her.
[19:55] He made a mistake and that needs to be addressed.
[19:57] And if he has not made any mistakes like that since then, then maybe that can be worked through and talked about. I don't know.
[20:05] From this person's message, it sounds like That was it.
[20:09] That was the one thing that she has not been able to get past, that she found out that he was
[20:15] still in touch with his ex.
[20:16] Now, what she didn't tell me was the excuse, explanation, reason that he gave, because that's important.
[20:27] And what's important about it is, do you trust him or don't you trust him?
[20:33] Do you think he's making it up, which tells me you might think that, maybe, maybe not, or do
[20:39] you think that he's telling the truth and this really is all about feeling chosen, secure, and important like you wrote?
[20:59] Today's episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.
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[22:24] So now we're at the heart of your message.
[22:28] I don't know if it's the heart of the matter, but the heart of your message.
[22:32] You said it opened old wounds around feeling chosen, secure, and important, which tells me those
[22:40] wounds are about feeling either alone, unworthy, unloved, neglected.
[22:51] All of these things that might have to do with your parents or another relationship, an important
[22:57] relationship where you felt very secure and then somebody ripped your heart out.
[23:06] Sorry to be so graphic, but that's what it can feel like for sure.
[23:10] And if it was about your upbringing, your parents, and feeling neglected, and having that fear
[23:16] of being alone or abandoned, or having that feeling of not being worthy in someone's eyes, then
[23:24] certainly we're talking about old wounds coming up.
[23:27] I mean, you even mentioned old wounds.
[23:31] So your past with him could play a part in the triggers that you're feeling today, or the emotional
[23:42] impact that it's having today.
[23:44] And it could also do with, and probably has a lot to do with, your childhood and what you felt
[23:52] you were missing in childhood, or what trauma you experienced in childhood.
[23:59] Because when old wounds come up.
[24:03] Not feeling chosen, not feeling secure inside yourself, not feeling important.
[24:07] What's so fascinating about that— it is fascinating to me, not to you probably— but what's so
[24:14] fascinating about that is even when somebody chooses you and gives you that feeling of security,
[24:22] or at least they're trying to, and sees you as the most important person in their life, It's
[24:29] like it's not enough to override those insecure feelings inside yourself, even though it's happening right now.
[24:38] It's happening in the moment because from what you said, you're in a great relationship.
[24:44] And even when you see evidence of somebody choosing you and showing you that you are the most
[24:53] important person in their life, How is that not overriding those old unresolved wounds?
[25:02] I'm not telling you that you should automatically just accept that, and you know, I would— it
[25:08] would be great if you did, but I'm not telling you that's what should happen.
[25:12] I'm telling you to— I'm trying to open your mind a little bit.
[25:17] I'm trying to open the lock that is locking the box of your insecurity that doesn't want to open.
[25:26] You don't want to open that, and it could be very unconscious.
[25:29] It probably is very unconscious.
[25:31] But if that box opens and you suddenly felt chosen and you suddenly felt important, what would that do?
[25:41] Now, I want you to consider this seriously.
[25:44] If you knew for a fact that somebody chose you and only you and wanted you today, right now,
[25:52] because it sounds like he does.
[25:53] But let's just say that you knew for a fact that this is his choice, and if he had another choice
[26:00] of 100 other people that he could be with and he chose you, what would happen if you suddenly felt chosen?
[26:10] That might be hard to think about.
[26:13] Maybe you just You're going to say, well, I know I don't feel chosen, or that's just an old
[26:17] wound, and I know I am chosen, I know he's choosing me.
[26:20] But clearly logic isn't winning here.
[26:23] Clearly the old wounds, the old trauma or whatever is winning.
[26:28] So what I'm trying to dig at, what I'm trying to get to is— and you may not like this— what
[26:34] I'm trying to get to is there might be something to gain if you continue holding on to the feeling of not being chosen.
[26:44] And I don't mean like a secondary gain, like you're actually benefiting from it, but I'm talking
[26:49] about sometimes our mind and body hold on to something old as a source of familiarity, as a
[26:59] source of connection to something deeper inside ourselves.
[27:05] So What I mean by that, let's just say that you don't feel important to someone, and if you
[27:14] chose to believe that you felt important to someone, if you chose to believe that you actually
[27:21] were important, what harm would come to you?
[27:28] That's a weird way to put it, I know, but I want you to think about it because what can happen
[27:33] is sometimes we choose to protect ourselves from something good because we believe something bad will happen.
[27:43] That's why I ask the question: if you knew that somebody found you as the most important person
[27:50] in the world, and you could actually feel important, you could feel chosen, what harm would that do?
[28:00] And I want you to come up with something.
[28:03] I want you to come up with something.
[28:04] Now, you may say, Well, it's not that, it's that I just don't believe it.
[28:11] This is part of the challenge.
[28:13] Well, okay, you don't believe it, but let's just say it was true.
[28:16] Yeah, I don't know what your beliefs are, but let's say Jesus himself came down and said, no,
[28:22] you are important, we've discussed it up there and we have all agreed.
[28:29] What do you do with that?
[28:31] Let's just say that you now have the 100% evidence that you are important and that you are chosen.
[28:39] What does that do for you?
[28:42] What harm comes from that?
[28:45] This might stump you, or you may have an immediate answer, and I'm asking it in a particular way.
[28:52] Of course, I don't want you to think there— that there might be harm, but what if it's in there?
[28:57] What if the thought that there is harm that could come to you if you chose to believe something wonderful like that?
[29:06] Because if that's in there, wow, that needs to be addressed.
[29:10] That needs to be thought about and reflected upon, because that's important. That's a deep thing.
[29:17] And let's just say that, you know, my mom never did this, or my dad never showed emotion, or whatever it is.
[29:23] Let's just say it's that.
[29:24] Now we're talking about some, you know, psychologically speaking, inner child stuff.
[29:30] Inner child stuff is when the insecurities and fears and worries and concerns and all that stuff
[29:37] from childhood sneak up on us today.
[29:41] And if it's inner child stuff, what do you do with inner child stuff? You re-parent yourself.
[29:47] I make it sound simple, and it is. It really is.
[29:51] Reparenting yourself, it's a simple process and it's a deep process.
[29:57] I'm not saying implementing the process is easy.
[30:00] I'm just saying the steps to do it are easy.
[30:04] At least they've been easier for me.
[30:06] And it depends on your trauma.
[30:07] I mean, if you've had severe trauma or abuse in your past, you know, maybe you'll need to talk
[30:12] about this with a professional. That's my disclaimer.
[30:15] But If you are just dealing with some stuff from childhood that you need to address, then reparenting
[30:22] yourself, nurturing your inner child, is certainly a very healthy thing to do.
[30:28] And how I do it is I imagine myself as a child in front of me, as the child who felt neglected
[30:36] or traumatized or abused or whatever, and I see that little boy as myself I ask him, "How are you doing? What's going on?
[30:47] How are you feeling?" And if he doesn't want to talk to me, I just say, "Well, just want to
[30:51] let you know I'm here.
[30:53] Just want to let you know that I've got your back, and whatever you're dealing with now, I'm
[31:00] going to help you handle it.
[31:01] I'm going to help you get through it, and I just want to remind you that I love you so much,
[31:06] and you are like the most important thing in the world to me, because he is.
[31:11] And you have made my life, you have fulfilled my life in so many ways, and I'm here to return the favor.
[31:19] And so this is me nurturing the inner child that is missing something, feels neglected, feels
[31:27] hurt in any way, feels alone in any way.
[31:31] So that might be a path that you take.
[31:34] I mean, goes deeper, and I'm just really skimming the surface of that now.
[31:39] But if that's in there, that can be something that you can do for yourself as well.
[31:46] That can be something that helps you address old wounds.
[31:50] And the fact that you said old wounds tells me that it's not present.
[31:55] I mean, it's rarely ever the present that affects us.
[31:58] It's always something from the past.
[32:01] And then you even revealed it in your message that these are old wounds.
[32:07] Now, I'm skating around the actual issue a little bit because the actual issue has to do with
[32:15] the timeline of when he was talking to his ex.
[32:19] I would have to know what they talked about.
[32:22] I would have to know if his ex means anything to him today, and especially, was he upset that
[32:31] he couldn't talk to his ex anymore?
[32:35] Was he upset that— I mean, I don't know what happened.
[32:39] Did you say, "You're not allowed to talk to your ex anymore"?
[32:42] Because if that's in there, that's something that's very big.
[32:49] And the reason I say it's big is because now he could be holding on to a resentment of not feeling
[32:54] trusted, of feeling like he can't have certain friends, feeling controlled.
[33:01] And if that's in there, if he sees you as a controlling person in that small regard and he feels
[33:09] some resentment or anger or annoyance or frustration or irritation, anything around that, then
[33:16] that comes out in different ways in the relationship.
[33:21] That's something that when that happens, somebody holds on to something that happened early
[33:26] on in the relationship, like he knows that you're upset about his ex, so he doesn't bring the
[33:32] ex up, he doesn't reach out to the ex, and he has thoughts and feelings, you know, negative
[33:38] thoughts and feelings about that.
[33:39] If those are in there, then that is going to come out in different ways in the relationship
[33:44] that are probably not very healthy, because now he feels something about you preventing that from happening.
[33:53] The actual issue that you wrote to me about is kind of multifaceted here, but your specific
[34:00] question to me is you're wondering if it's about present-day issues or unresolved grief from that period.
[34:08] I've given you some questions to ask yourself, and I've given you some things to address inside of you.
[34:16] I've talked about, you know, maybe something from childhood coming up.
[34:21] Maybe this isn't the only time these old wounds have been reopened.
[34:26] It's certainly a trigger for these old wounds, which tells me because they're in there, they should be addressed anyway.
[34:33] Maybe it's a trust issue, like maybe subconsciously you don't trust him at least a little bit.
[34:39] And if that's in there, maybe he's doing other things that make you believe that he's not trustworthy.
[34:46] That you can't trust him.
[34:47] And if that's the case, that should be addressed inside yourself, thought about and reflected
[34:51] upon, because you need to get through all these little things to narrow down what's really going on here.
[34:59] Sometimes we do have a trust issue, because if you can't trust him 100% and you can only trust
[35:06] him 90-something-plus percent, then that could be something else going on.
[35:13] That may not be related to your old wounds, but just reminders of those old wounds.
[35:20] Like, you can have a reminder of an old wound that you've healed, and that reminder can be, "Hey, this happened before.
[35:27] I don't want that to happen again.
[35:28] I don't want that feeling again.
[35:31] Boy, maybe it's my old wounds coming back to haunt me, or maybe this is something that I need
[35:38] to look at," like you're asking.
[35:39] Maybe I need to look at this today.
[35:43] So for the today stuff, ask yourself, do I trust him 100% today? Or at least 99.9%.
[35:50] Do you trust him to the point where he understands relationship values and boundaries and he
[35:57] knows not to cross that line and he doesn't want to cross that line?
[36:02] That's another thing you have to know, or you have to believe that he doesn't want to cross
[36:07] that line because he wants to be with you and doesn't want to ruin a good thing and probably
[36:11] doesn't even want to talk to that person anymore.
[36:14] I mean, if that belief is in there today, then it's possible and probable that you could probably
[36:21] get past the timeline issue.
[36:24] Because if he is now 100% trustworthy, then it does come back to that one time that you felt
[36:33] that betrayal and what you may be holding on from that.
[36:37] Because I look at it this way, like, wow, he betrayed me at that point, or he lied to me at
[36:44] that time, and because he lied to me at that time, I don't trust him 100% from that point on.
[36:51] If that's the case, that's worthy of a conversation with him.
[36:56] You know, since that happened, I have not been able to trust you 100%, and that really bothers me.
[37:03] This is just an example, but that really bothers me that I can't trust you.
[37:06] I want to trust you, but I can't because since then I have not been able to fully believe everything you say.
[37:16] So I've been holding on to that, and maybe that's unfair to you, but I felt it was very unfair
[37:23] to me for you to do that.
[37:25] You know, we were younger and maybe you didn't want to upset me.
[37:29] And you know, the truth is I really don't believe your explanation.
[37:33] So that might be a hard conversation to have because you might feel like, I don't want to ruin
[37:38] a good thing because we have it so good now.
[37:40] But you can't ruin a good thing with somebody who supports you and loves you and wants you in their life.
[37:46] It would only ruin a good thing if he truly was lying and wanted you to shut up about it.
[37:52] That's a harsh way to put it, but if that's how he feels and he was lying and he doesn't want
[37:57] you to bring it up so he doesn't have to reveal his lie, then he's got some values issues and
[38:03] he's got some moral issues and that's not very good.
[38:06] That's not very good in a partner.
[38:09] But I'm hoping that if you do have to have a conversation about this because you have those
[38:15] thoughts and feelings about that time that he lied or betrayed or however you want to see it,
[38:20] that it's worth having the discussion.
[38:22] Otherwise, what do you do with those thoughts and feelings?
[38:27] What do you do with them? Where do they go?
[38:30] I know where mine go when I do that, or at least when I used to do that.
[38:34] I have this little I don't know, it's like a black ball of emotion and negativity that gets stored in my stomach.
[38:44] It's just like it sits there and everything I repress goes in that little black ball and it
[38:51] weighs like 1,000 pounds and it's got a gravitational pull because it's like a planet or a black hole.
[38:58] And when I used to repress my emotions, that's where they would go.
[39:04] I had so many damn stomach issues because of that. So many.
[39:09] So, when you're holding on to this stuff, that's why I'm a proponent of having these hard conversations,
[39:16] because if you don't and there's something that you're holding on to and there's something that
[39:21] you just can't reconcile inside your mind and you still have thoughts and feelings about it
[39:26] and you can't get rid of it, you need closure there.
[39:30] And what has to happen in order to get that stuff, at least for me, out of my stomach, to get
[39:36] the repressed thoughts and emotions that are inside, we have to bring them out.
[39:41] We have to make them known and public in a way, not public, but to someone else, to the person
[39:48] that might be involved or to a professional or to a best friend.
[39:51] We have to bring it out.
[39:52] Say, "These are my worries.
[39:53] These are my concerns," or, "This is what happened and I don't believe you," and, "This is what
[39:58] happened and I'm still holding on to it." And if you feel bad about it, you can say, "It's unfair
[40:03] to you, especially if what I believe isn't true and I don't know what to believe and this is
[40:08] what I'm holding on to." I guarantee you a loving, supportive person and partner will be totally
[40:15] okay with you bringing something like that up.
[40:18] If my wife said, "You know, when you talk to your ex, I never told you this, but it really upsets
[40:23] me," I wouldn't say, "Well, you need to mind your own business because I can choose any friend
[40:29] that I want, ex or not, so you need to back off." That's not something I'm going to say because
[40:36] I don't want to make my wife feel bad.
[40:39] I would want her to feel supported and loved and secure.
[40:43] I want her to feel secure and important and chosen.
[40:47] All those words you used.
[40:49] I want her to feel like she is the most important person in my life.
[40:54] So if she brought up a subject that really bothered her, it would bother me.
[40:59] Not because she's bothering me with it.
[41:02] It's because it bothers her.
[41:04] And if it bothers her, that bothers me.
[41:06] So I want to clear this up. Let's clear this up.
[41:09] And I'm so transparent, if she said anything like that, I would say, let's get my ex on the phone right now.
[41:16] Let's just talk this out because I know the truth.
[41:20] And she might say, no, I don't want to talk to your ex, which is, of course, I'm just making
[41:24] this up, but I'm transparent.
[41:26] I would be okay with her bringing something up that bothered me.
[41:30] Because I wouldn't want her to feel bothered.
[41:33] And this is what I'm telling you, the person who wrote.
[41:36] A loving, supportive, genuinely supportive, genuinely loving partner is okay with conversations like this.
[41:46] It may sting at first and he may not like it, but he's okay with it because he sees that you're in pain.
[41:55] And If you feel like you can't have this kind of conversation with him, you also have to ask yourself why that is.
[42:06] Why couldn't you have a convers— a real honest conversation like that and express a pain?
[42:13] Are you worried that he might feel untrusted?
[42:16] Because that's probably what it is.
[42:18] If he feels untrusted, okay, does that mean he's going to get mad at you?
[42:23] Why would he get mad at you?
[42:24] That doesn't make any sense to me.
[42:26] A loving, supportive partner should show compassion and sympathy and even empathy when you're feeling bad.
[42:35] But if there's been problems in the relationship and he doesn't like getting caught in a lie
[42:40] and he gets highly defensive when those lies come out and he convinces you that he's not lying
[42:46] and you're just crazy, you have an entirely different relationship there.
[42:51] So my bottom line is, if he is this amazing guy, then you should be able to have the hardest
[42:58] conversations in the world with him, because true connection, true support, and true love is
[43:06] resilient enough to handle these challenging conversations.
[43:11] Because when you both really want each other in your lives, you do everything you can to make that happen.
[43:18] So those hard conversations might sound like, uh-oh, this is going to be the end of everything,
[43:24] but you want each other in your lives, so you work toward staying together.
[43:28] It's not working toward hurting another person or pushing them away.
[43:34] It's never that in a truly loving, connected relationship.
[43:39] So I hope something I said Hits the target.
[43:42] I hope something I said was of value to you today.
[43:46] And if not or if so, just give me an update, send me a message.
[43:52] So thanks for writing and thanks for listening to another episode of The Overwhelmed Brain.
[43:56] I want to thank our patrons this week, Maria, Heather, and Christy.
[44:00] I'm so grateful for you.
[44:01] Thank you so much for your support.
[44:03] They send me money and I accept it humbly.
[44:08] So that's— I'm being transparent here. This is what happens.
[44:12] Some people value the show and they value it so much they want to send their support and that's how they show it.
[44:19] If you value the show like these patrons do and you want to give back, just head over to moreTOB.com
[44:24] and there are options to do that over there. Thank you, patrons.
[44:27] Thank you, everyone who supports the show.
[44:30] And for a show on how to navigate difficult, you know, controlling, manipulative relationships,
[44:35] Listen to my other podcast called Love and Abuse over at loveandabuse.com.
[44:39] And if you know you're the difficult one in the relationship and you want to change that about
[44:42] yourself, join the program that is helping a lot of people heal over at healedbeing.com.
[44:48] And with that, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions.
[44:54] Be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
[44:59] Always take steps to grow and evolve.
[45:02] You are powerful beyond measure.
[45:04] And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you, you are amazing.

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