# The ten components that make up a healthy, long-lasting relationship

An episode of [The Overwhelmed Brain](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/743537890), 28 Jun 2026, 45 min.

Audio: https://verifi.podscribe.com/rss/p/dts.podtrac.com/redirect.mp3/prfx.byspotify.com/e/pscrb.fm/rss/p/traffic.libsyn.com/secure/theoverwhelmedbrain/671_-_The_ten_components_that_make_up_a_healthy_long-lasting_relationship.mp3?dest-id=168817

I talk about toxic relationships all the time, but what do healthy relationships actually look like? Is there a formula? There are criteria. And I'll share ten components of a healthy relationship in this episode.

## Transcript

[0:00] Welcome to the Overwhelmed Brain podcast, helping you navigate the difficulties in your life and relationships.
[0:06] These are my personal opinions; always seek a professional when you're making choices about
[0:10] your mental health and well-being.
[0:17] Welcome to the show. Glad that you are here today.
[0:20] I'm going to go over something that I have a request on, and that is defining what a healthy relationship looks like.
[0:30] I talk about toxic relationships a lot.
[0:33] I talk about difficult ones, emotionally abusive ones.
[0:36] On both this show and my other show, Love and Abuse, I think some people want to know what a
[0:43] healthy relationship is supposed to look like, because I could probably name the signs and symptoms
[0:49] of a difficult or toxic relationship all day long.
[0:55] So I understand that that list can go on forever, because some behaviors, or a lot of behaviors,
[1:02] can be seen as toxic or abusive or whatever.
[1:06] So my advice is to listen to every episode where I talked about toxic behavior and just do the opposite.
[1:15] That's not my advice, I promise.
[1:17] I actually have— I've written them all down here— the top qualities of a healthy relationship.
[1:26] So hopefully, if you're in a relationship or you're looking for one, or you want to compare
[1:32] this list to what you've been through in your past relationships, hopefully this will be helpful to you.
[1:40] And just like everything I talk about on this show—maybe you know this, maybe you don't— I actually
[1:47] reflect on what I talk about, what I teach, what thoughts and opinions I have about everything I talk about.
[1:55] So that reflection is all about my own life.
[1:59] So as I read this list, just like I've done since 2013, since I started this episode— started
[2:06] this show— I think about what I'm talking about to make sure that I also follow my own advice.
[2:15] So as I read this list, it'll be something that I also reflect on and may comment on every now and then.
[2:21] So I'm just going to get right into it.
[2:23] Let me bring up my screen here.
[2:26] Okay, how many do I have?
[2:27] I have 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Oh, perfect.
[2:33] I have a list of 10 qualities of a healthy relationship.
[2:37] Probably not the only qualities of a healthy relationship, but I believe if you have all of
[2:43] these, then you're in pretty good shape.
[2:47] Now, I know if you've been listening every week, I just had an episode on the bare minimum of a relationship.
[2:55] Like, what is the bare minimum?
[2:57] And that quality, the thing I talked about in that episode, is sort of here in different parts
[3:05] of this, different qualities that show up.
[3:07] So I'm not going to give away the ending of that episode, because I want you to listen to that
[3:11] if you haven't listened to it yet.
[3:13] And I think it's called— I have it right here— "The Bare Minimum Needed for Any Close Relationship."
[3:19] It was released June 21, 2026, if you want to look for it.
[3:24] So with that said, I mentioned that episode because this is sort of a part two to that, but
[3:30] I think it's probably one of the most important lists, one of the most important set of qualities,
[3:37] at least that I've created as far as what a healthy relationship looks like.
[3:42] And I walk my talk.
[3:44] I've been in this relationship that I'm in for almost 12 years.
[3:48] It is the healthiest, most satisfying relationship I've ever been in, mostly because I had to change my own behaviors.
[3:56] And once I did, that changed a lot of things.
[4:00] And Asha, my wife, she had to go through some changes as well.
[4:04] Not that she was the toxic one.
[4:06] She was actually the recipient, the victim of toxic behaviors for a long time.
[4:13] So her behaviors had to change as well, with boundaries and understanding what emotionally abusive
[4:20] behavior looks like and manipulative behavior looks like.
[4:23] And we've had many, many conversations about past relationships, my behaviors, her behaviors,
[4:30] and how it wasn't that she tolerated them, it's that she didn't understand them.
[4:35] She didn't understand what a healthy relationship looked like.
[4:39] And so she tells people, "This is what a healthy relationship looks like now." I mean, "In this
[4:43] relationship, this is what it looks like." So it feels good to me for her to say things like that.
[4:49] I remember, actually, the very first time she said these words, and it really hit me hard because
[4:58] I'll just tell you what she said.
[4:59] She said, "You are not judgmental at all.
[5:04] I've never felt judged by you." That was the weirdest thing for me to hear, because that was
[5:10] not me in the past. It is now.
[5:13] I mean, I feel like it is now, but it wasn't me in the past. I was very judgmental. I had sky-high standards.
[5:20] Nobody could meet them, ever.
[5:23] And so for her to say that really hit me hard in a good way, because that meant I did a lot of healing.
[5:31] It meant that I was closer to a healthier, loving approach and perspective in relationships.
[5:41] And maybe I had finally gotten there, at least gotten as close as I could possibly get.
[5:47] And of course, I'm always working on it, always working on becoming the best partner and being
[5:52] the best person I can be, while also honoring myself, while also knowing that I have wants and
[6:00] needs and I have to take care of those.
[6:02] And this goes right along the lines of my definition of a relationship, or at least the components
[6:09] that make up a relationship, which is me, you, and us.
[6:15] There are three entities in a relationship: me, you, and us.
[6:18] I see it that way because you have to take care of yourself, I have to take care of myself,
[6:25] and we have to take care of each other.
[6:27] And each one requires energy. Each one requires time. Each one requires investment.
[6:36] So if I'm just taking care of the relationship, what's happening to me?
[6:41] If she's just taking care of herself, what's happening to the relationship?
[6:45] If I'm just taking care of myself, what's happening to the relationship?
[6:48] Or both of us are just working on our own wants and needs and never invest in each other, or
[6:55] in this case, the entity of us, what happens to the relationship? What happens to us? It's all affected.
[7:02] It's like a Venmo diagram.
[7:04] That middle part is the most powerful part of all of this.
[7:10] And when all three come together, it creates an amazing relationship.
[7:14] So let's just get started on this list. Let me switch screens.
[7:20] The first component is mutual support of each other's happiness.
[7:23] This is very much in line with what I just talked about in the last episode, so I'm kind of giving the plot away.
[7:30] But if you support someone else's happiness and they support yours, that is an amazing approach
[7:38] to— I mean, this is like— this is bare minimum, right?
[7:42] That's the approach to creating a strong, healthy bond and love and connection.
[7:48] And this is just my opinion.
[7:49] All of these are my opinion, but I've been working on myself.
[7:53] I've been working on the relationship aspect of how I show up and how I invest into my partner
[8:00] and how I invest into the relationship.
[8:02] And I've also worked with now thousands of people to help them connect at a deeper level, or
[8:09] any level, when there's no connection or a bad connection, like a bad phone call. "It's a bad connection.
[8:15] I can't hear you." That can happen in relationships.
[8:19] So yes, mutual support of each other's happiness.
[8:23] If you support mine and I support yours, what could be better? I mean, that's amazing.
[8:29] So when you have that, that is an investment into the three parts of the relationship I was
[8:35] talking about: you, me, and us.
[8:37] The next one is both people work on the relationship. What does that mean?
[8:42] That means that you can't have it one-sided.
[8:45] You can't point the finger, or they can't point the finger at you and say, "You're the one. You're the problem.
[8:51] You need to work on this, and I'm going to go over here and do what I'm going to do, because
[8:56] nothing's wrong with me." If both of you aren't invested, the relationship, it starts to sink on one side. It lists.
[9:07] Yes, it's a play on words, relationship.
[9:10] And when only one person is working on it— I've seen this many times— the ship starts to sink on one side.
[9:19] And so the other side, hey, they think nothing's wrong and they're perfect and there's nothing they need to do.
[9:26] And then the other, the side that's listing, they think, "I'm doing everything I possibly can
[9:32] and I'm trying harder and I'm trying harder and maybe I should try this instead." And they're
[9:37] adapting and evolving and trying all these different things to make the relationship work, and
[9:44] the other person is not doing anything.
[9:46] So you can't have that. That doesn't work.
[9:49] A relationship like that does not work.
[9:52] So you need both people to work on it.
[9:55] And if there truly is one problem, one problem person, and they really believe that the other
[10:03] person is the problem, it's still a problem as a whole in the relationship.
[10:10] That would be like saying, "Hey, I'm happy.
[10:13] I'm sorry that you're not happy, but I am, so it's your problem." How does that affect the relationship,
[10:21] the three parts of the relationship?
[10:23] One person's happy, the other person's not, which means the relationship is not. That's how it's affected.
[10:30] This is why one affects the other. It all comes together.
[10:34] So if somebody believes, truly believes, that they don't have a problem and they're not a problem,
[10:40] and they both won't work on it together, they both won't work toward a solution, which involves what? Responsibility. Taking responsibility.
[10:50] And let me just clarify this, because sometimes I work with emotionally abusive people and the
[10:56] victims of emotional abuse who say that I'm not the problem, they are.
[11:04] And the other person says, "No, I'm not the problem, they are." Doesn't matter.
[11:09] You both take responsibility for your role.
[11:12] So even if you really aren't a problem and the other person really is the problem, if you only
[11:19] have one person working on the relationship, it's not going to work.
[11:24] That's why sometimes if both people think the other person's a problem and they're both not
[11:29] working on themselves to show up as the most improved version of themselves, then the relationship still doesn't work.
[11:36] So it doesn't really matter who the problem is, because if you're both working on it, at least you're working toward progress.
[11:42] And this is just one component or one-tenth of this list.
[11:46] So it doesn't mean if this is fulfilled that everything is perfect from this point on. It's just one-tenth.
[11:53] So add all these together and they compound to make something greater.
[11:58] Let's go to the third one: honoring each other's boundaries. How important is this?
[12:04] If you have personal boundaries and they are getting violated, that's not going to make the relationship very happy.
[12:12] That's going to start to destroy it.
[12:14] And so if you are honoring each other's boundaries, if you don't like loud noises and they love
[12:21] to make loud noises, there might be an issue.
[12:25] If you don't like when they smoke or they don't like when you smoke, yet you still smoke around
[12:29] them, there might be issues.
[12:32] And so we all have our own version of boundaries.
[12:34] And if you've never practiced or never asked yourself what your boundaries are, like if you
[12:39] wanted to figure that out, all you have to do is ask yourself, "What is it that I will accept
[12:45] and I won't accept?" And let's just say that you could accept or not accept anything.
[12:52] Like you had free rein to choose to accept things in your life or behaviors or words or people in your life.
[13:00] You could just tell the universe, tell God, tell whatever, that this is what I'll accept and
[13:07] this is what I won't accept.
[13:10] I remember I did this, and it was a car rental place.
[13:13] I've told this story before, but I was at this car rental place in an airport, and I felt my
[13:21] personal space being violated because I was at the counter and somebody came up right behind
[13:27] me and stood right next to me right when I was filling out paperwork, and he was so close. And it was uncomfortable.
[13:35] And I have a personal boundary that if somebody's that close, we better have a different type
[13:42] of relationship because that is too close.
[13:46] And so that was a violation of my boundary.
[13:49] Now, I'm not going to go off and say, "Get the hell out of my way." I'm going to say, "Hey,
[13:53] would you mind standing back a little bit?
[13:56] It feels a little uncomfortable.
[13:57] You're too close," which is exactly, almost exactly what I said.
[14:01] And he just looked at me funny.
[14:03] Like he didn't know cognitive distance.
[14:06] He didn't know what I was saying.
[14:08] He was just kind of confused because his attention was on the clerk behind the counter.
[14:13] But when I said that, he did. He backed off.
[14:16] And I felt that was respect of my boundaries. It was great.
[14:21] And we didn't talk again, but if he opened a conversation, I would have been friendly with him
[14:26] and it would have been fine.
[14:27] It was just an unknown.
[14:29] He was just in his own space and his own reality, and he didn't realize what he was doing.
[14:33] So I told him what he was doing, and he respected that.
[14:37] So that's what I mean, is that we have these boundaries of what we will and won't accept in our lives.
[14:43] And when we honor those, we are filling our own cup.
[14:48] And when they honor them, when they honor our boundaries and we honor theirs, what are we doing?
[14:54] We are filling both cups, which helps the relationship. There's that third one.
[15:00] And let's go to the fourth one, which is reciprocation that's close to equal.
[15:07] Now, reciprocation is, let's just say that I took out the garbage and they do the dishes, or
[15:14] they bought dinner and I get the next one, or I wash the floors. Little things.
[15:20] There's chores around the house, of course, but the idea is the person in your life wants to
[15:27] feel that their contributions are at least somewhat matched.
[15:34] This is something I personally see in relationships that some people don't get.
[15:41] Like here's a great example from my relationship.
[15:45] One great example is that I wash the dishes 99% of the time.
[15:52] Either I'm hand-washing, putting them in the dishwasher, and I clean the kitchen.
[15:58] And that is my area.
[16:01] And I didn't make it my area. It became my area. She cleans too. She cooks.
[16:08] She does all kinds of things.
[16:10] But the cooking is kind of equal and the cleaning is kind of equal, but mostly I clean the dishes
[16:16] in the area around the sink.
[16:17] The point is, she doesn't.
[16:21] And so there was a moment where I said, "I'm kind of feeling a little resentful here." I'm thinking
[16:27] to myself, "That she doesn't do the dishes, that I'm always doing the dishes." And I remember
[16:33] her saying once, when we first met, "If there's a clean kitchen, I'm happy." Talking about herself.
[16:40] "If the kitchen's clean, I'm happy." And I thought that meant she kept a clean kitchen. But it didn't.
[16:49] It didn't mean that at all.
[16:51] What she meant is she likes when the kitchen is cleaned, but she doesn't like cleaning it.
[16:57] And so I did my best to keep the kitchen clean, and I noticed that she doesn't really get to the dishes too often.
[17:06] So I started doing them more and more.
[17:09] And then I realized, "Hey, I'm doing these all the time." And so I thought, "Gee, this is really
[17:15] bugging me, because she doesn't do these at all." And I thought, "She said she liked a clean
[17:19] kitchen and she's not contributing at all." And so I thought about it, and I thought about it,
[17:26] I reflected on it, and I realized, "Wait a minute.
[17:29] Where's the reciprocation?" That's the first thing that came to mind. Where's the reciprocation?
[17:33] What does she do that kind of reciprocates for what I do?
[17:38] What is the balance that happens here?
[17:41] Does she take out the garbage? Sometimes she does.
[17:44] Does she do something else?
[17:45] And I realized she is one to pay the bills and talk to all the companies that we deal with on the phone.
[17:53] She does the hard phone call stuff and collecting the mail.
[17:58] And she does all these things that have to do with administration, paperwork, bill paying.
[18:05] And when I thought of it that way, I realized, "Wait a minute.
[18:09] I hate doing that stuff.
[18:11] I'm so glad that she does that.
[18:14] I'll be happy to do the dishes every single time if she takes care of that." And that solved
[18:21] my problem, because it was reciprocal.
[18:25] She's doing what she's better at, and I'm doing what I got good at, and it balanced things.
[18:33] And that made me feel good.
[18:34] And this is very rare in our relationship that it's not reciprocal.
[18:38] But that was the one moment that came to mind that made me think, "Wait, she's not doing her
[18:43] part." But I didn't equate what she was doing with what I was doing, but it really is a time
[18:50] of investment, a time of mental energy, a time of physical energy, and all this stuff that's
[18:56] involved in doing what we do.
[18:58] So I saw that as a balance, part of the seesaw, right?
[19:02] I'm on this end of the seesaw thinking that nobody's on the other end, but she really was.
[19:07] Because if I had to do those bills and stuff too, maybe I'd feel different, but she does it.
[19:14] And I think it's important to look at that.
[19:16] If you have a relationship where you feel any resentment about what you're doing, what you're
[19:20] investing in, what are they doing that you wouldn't necessarily want to invest time and energy
[19:27] in yourself that might kind of act as a balance on the seesaw?
[19:33] Because if somebody else is doing things that you may not want to do or you can't do, then it
[19:38] can kind of balance things.
[19:40] This is just, again, one component.
[19:43] It doesn't mean that tit for tat always works.
[19:46] Sometimes one person has very little hard tasks to do and the other person has a very easy task.
[19:53] So it varies throughout every relationship.
[19:56] So it doesn't really matter if it's perfect every time, but I think you understand what I'm trying to say.
[20:01] Let's go to number five, which is emotional connection and vulnerability.
[20:06] How many people need this that are listening right now? Emotional connection.
[20:12] This is where instead of being closed off, you open up.
[20:18] Instead of hiding things that you are afraid somebody else might judge you for, you choose to be vulnerable.
[20:25] And I think most people that listen to this show want somebody in their life to be vulnerable,
[20:31] to have an emotional connection.
[20:33] Because the people I hear from who are empathetic, kind, and caring and supportive toward other
[20:41] people want those other people to be the same way toward them.
[20:45] That's kind of reciprocation as well.
[20:48] It's definitely reciprocation when it comes to opening up emotionally to someone and they're closed off. They're disconnected.
[20:56] If somebody says, "Hey, that really hurt when you said that to me," the other person should
[21:02] say, "Wow, I didn't mean to hurt you.
[21:03] I'm so sorry." How is that hard? It's not.
[21:08] But a lot of people have trouble with it because they don't want to open up emotionally.
[21:11] They don't want to take off their emotional armor.
[21:14] They don't want to be vulnerable.
[21:16] What I've learned, especially since I started this show, like when I started The Overwhelmed
[21:21] Brain, it was hard for me to be vulnerable on the air because I felt like maybe I had to put on my radio personality.
[21:31] It was still me, but I felt like I had to bring more that wasn't necessarily me.
[21:40] Again, it was still me, but I felt like I had to perform a little bit.
[21:44] And so I had to learn to take a step back and just start being myself on the air.
[21:52] Just start telling my story and being vulnerable.
[21:56] And that's what I've been doing for many, many years now.
[22:00] And it has been healing for me.
[22:02] It's been completely healing for me to have you as my sounding board, as my accountability partner.
[22:11] Because here I am putting myself out there to be judged because of everything I've ever done in my life.
[22:20] Everything I've ever told you about.
[22:22] I put myself out there in a way that I know people are going to rate my show terribly.
[22:28] Fortunately, it doesn't happen too often, but it happens.
[22:32] They're going to say things about me.
[22:34] I'm kind of a minor celebrity, a public figure.
[22:38] I don't really see myself as a celebrity, but my name's out there.
[22:41] If you look it up, it's going to come up in the first 10 pages of Google or whatever.
[22:46] So I know that people are going to judge me and have thoughts about me and opinions about me
[22:52] and maybe think I'm a narcissist for talking to a microphone with nobody in the room. It happens. I've heard everything.
[23:00] But I am a full believer in opening up emotionally and being transparent, which is very vulnerable.
[23:11] But as I've learned after so many years of doing this, what I've learned is that the more vulnerable
[23:17] I've allowed myself to be, the stronger I've gotten, the stronger sense of self that I've gotten.
[23:26] Because once you put it out there, then really nobody has anything to hold against you.
[23:32] You're willing to admit it.
[23:33] You're willing to own your past.
[23:36] And that's what I do.
[23:37] I put it out there. I own my past.
[23:39] If somebody says, "Hey, you were emotionally abusive to your wife, my ex-wife.
[23:44] You were a terrible person," I'll say, "Yeah, I was. You're right.
[23:49] I was a terrible person." I wasn't all terrible, but I'm going to own what I did.
[23:55] I'm going to own how I was judgmental, like I said earlier. I was highly judgmental.
[24:00] Nobody could meet those standards.
[24:02] What can somebody say about you that you don't say about yourself?
[24:07] That's when you are most powerful.
[24:10] And I don't mean like you are powerful that you could beat somebody up.
[24:15] I mean that you are empowered inside yourself.
[24:19] You feel good about yourself.
[24:22] You feel confident inside yourself.
[24:25] You walk around owning your past.
[24:29] That's what it means to me when I say emotional connection and vulnerability, is to own your
[24:34] past, own how you feel, express how you feel.
[24:41] I don't think I have this on my list, but I like to be honest with my wife, even at the risk of the relationship.
[24:50] That might mean I say something that in the past I would never say to anyone because I wouldn't
[24:56] want them to leave me.
[24:57] So I would say something a little differently or not say it at all.
[25:02] But now I don't like to live like that.
[25:05] I don't like to hold things in or hold things back.
[25:08] And that doesn't mean I'm a jerk.
[25:10] It just means, "Hey, this is how I feel.
[25:12] This is what's going on inside of me.
[25:14] I would like to share it with you." And she may say, "Wow, that's terrible.
[25:19] I didn't know you felt that way.
[25:21] You're upset with me?" And yes, that might be a conversation that we have, and we've had those conversations.
[25:28] But the best part about that is after we've had them, she knows that I'm going to tell her how I feel.
[25:36] She knows that I'm going to be honest with her.
[25:38] And because of that, who wouldn't want that and want more of that?
[25:43] Because of that, it strengthens the relationship. It does.
[25:47] It strengthens the bond that we have with each other and makes us trust each other 100%.
[25:56] So if anything ever happens, we can say, "Oh yeah, I trust you." That's just a nice way to live
[26:01] with somebody, that there's 100% trust. I mean, it's reciprocal.
[26:06] She does the same with me.
[26:08] And sometimes she's a lot better at it than I am.
[26:12] If we have an argument, thankfully it's rare, but if we have one, she's usually the first person
[26:17] to come back and apologize.
[26:19] And she doesn't have to.
[26:21] I said, "You don't have to apologize.
[26:22] I'm the one who should be apologizing." So we have those conversations, and it keeps the relationship in balance. It keeps it afloat.
[26:31] And so I like the idea of staying connected emotionally because as soon as you cut that off,
[26:39] what does that do to the relationship?
[26:41] That's my go back to question every time.
[26:44] What does that do to the relationship?
[26:47] This goes right into number six, I think, where at open, honest communication.
[26:53] I won't have to say too much about that because I really just talked about it for a while.
[26:57] But yes, be open, be honest, because it's more important to be honest.
[27:04] Because when you lie or hide things, that comes out in different ways in the relationship.
[27:11] A good example, an extreme example, is infidelity.
[27:16] Let's just say that one partner has the inclination to cheat.
[27:22] I believe that would be a very hard conversation to have, but it's important.
[27:28] It's a very important conversation because if and when that partner does cheat, now there's
[27:34] something in the relationship that is a secret, and it's going to come out in different ways.
[27:41] It's going to come out in ways that you don't expect or they don't expect.
[27:47] And what I mean is it's destructive.
[27:50] Betrayal like that is destructive to the relationship.
[27:53] If not now, over time it will be, and especially when it's discovered.
[28:00] And in case you've never heard me say this, infidelity is always discovered.
[28:06] If you need any motivation to not cheat, that is your motivation.
[28:12] That should be your motivation. Infidelity is always discovered.
[28:17] And if you say, "Not always," I don't want you to risk testing that.
[28:22] I don't want you to test that. Don't test it. Just believe me.
[28:26] It's always discovered, and it's always a nightmare for everyone. It's a nightmare. Don't go through it. Don't do it.
[28:34] It's a lot easier just to have a conversation while you're thinking about it if it comes I mean,
[28:40] you don't have to have this conversation.
[28:42] You may think about it.
[28:43] It doesn't mean, "Hey, I thought about this, and I'm not going to do it, but I wanted to tell
[28:47] you about it." It's not necessarily the kind of conversation I would suggest you have.
[28:52] But if you're being serious about it, then being open and honest, at least about what you're
[29:01] not getting in your current relationship, should be the next conversation that you have.
[29:08] So it doesn't mean you open up and say, "Hey, I'm thinking about cheating on you," but you should
[29:13] open up and say, "Hey, there's something in our relationship that's missing that I would like
[29:18] to talk about." It's a hard conversation.
[29:23] It could lead to somebody getting really upset and wanting to separate or whatever.
[29:29] But I rarely see that.
[29:31] If you bring up the hard stuff, people who care about each other and want the relationship to
[29:36] work are going to work toward making things work.
[29:39] That's really the bottom line.
[29:42] People who love each other, people who support each other, people who want each other's happiness,
[29:47] even when there's a hard conversation like this, will work toward making things work.
[29:52] That's how I see it go almost every time.
[29:56] So yes, open, honest communication.
[30:00] And if you can't hold back and you have to, in this case, cheat or whatever, then my opinion
[30:07] on cheating and infidelity is it's better to leave the person that you're with before you do
[30:13] that so it doesn't become a betrayal.
[30:17] And I'm not giving that advice.
[30:18] I'm not saying that's what you should do.
[30:21] I'm just saying that if that's on your mind, don't put somebody else through that because their
[30:28] heart's invested in the relationship and in you.
[30:32] And I know a lot of people listening right now have gone through this.
[30:35] If you haven't read my article on infidelity, go to theoverwhelmedbrain.com.
[30:40] Type in the word infidelity if you want to read what I think is a pretty important article.
[30:47] The next quality of what a healthy relationship is, in my opinion, supposed to look like, is
[30:52] that you can be yourself.
[30:55] It really goes in all of these are in alignment with one another if you don't already see that.
[31:00] But the ability to be yourself, to be your silly self or your serious self or your studious
[31:08] self or wanting to follow your passions, your hobbies, and get into other things that they may
[31:16] or may not care about.
[31:18] If I like this thing and Asha doesn't like that thing, and she says, "Go do your thing and have
[31:26] fun," I consider that a win. Same with her.
[31:29] She does things like gardening. I don't like gardening.
[31:35] I don't like doing it.
[31:37] I don't like talking about plants, but she loves it. She loves it.
[31:41] So when she finds somebody to talk about plants, they talk for hours.
[31:46] I'll listen and I'll do my best and I'll stay with her because I love her, stay interested in
[31:51] the conversation, even though she knows this about me.
[31:55] She knows that I'm not too interested in the kind of plants that she has, but I'm going to listen
[32:01] because she is so passionate about it, and I love seeing her happy.
[32:05] That is my number one goal in my relationship, is making sure that she feels happy, and I support her happiness.
[32:14] I support the path that she takes to be happy.
[32:17] And a big part of that is her interests, her hobbies, the things that fulfill her, that fill her cup.
[32:25] And she does the same for me.
[32:26] She supports the things that I like. Parody songs. She hates parody songs. Weird Al Yankovic.
[32:35] She hates all that stuff.
[32:36] And I listen to it. I laugh.
[32:39] I think it's fun and funny.
[32:41] And I have friends that like the same kind of music, and she doesn't.
[32:44] So I don't listen to those kinds of things around her.
[32:48] I might play it every now and then, and she happens to hear it.
[32:53] She's not the greatest fan of it, so I try not to do that.
[32:57] But yes, you can be yourself.
[32:59] If you can be yourself, that contributes to the relationship. Three more.
[33:04] The next one is respect and kindness.
[33:07] This really goes without saying.
[33:09] To respect someone and to be kind.
[33:12] It's what I say in my other podcast, Love and Abuse, all the time.
[33:16] You deserve respect and kindness.
[33:20] What else can you say?
[33:21] If somebody's disrespecting you, that's a problem.
[33:24] If they're being unkind, that's a problem.
[33:28] And I'm not talking about one-offs.
[33:29] Sometimes we're disrespectful or unkind to someone every now and then, once a year, maybe not
[33:36] that much, maybe more than that.
[33:39] But just in general, respecting a person is like we're talking about the bare minimum of a relationship, right? The last episode.
[33:49] Respecting a person and showing kindness.
[33:53] That is the bottom line basic for any relationship.
[33:56] So that's part of it, though.
[33:58] I wanted to include that in the list, respect and kindness.
[34:01] It's just a fundamental thing.
[34:03] The next one kind of goes along the same lines, except to the opposite extreme. No walking on eggshells.
[34:10] Neither one of you should walk on eggshells.
[34:12] You should not feel like you're going to trigger the other person.
[34:17] It shouldn't feel that way.
[34:18] And the other person gets upset and blames you or points at you as the problem or calls you a whatever name.
[34:26] You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells in any relationship.
[34:30] I think this is more important than the others because if you feel like you're walking on eggshells,
[34:35] then there's something going on that needs to be addressed.
[34:39] If you can't get away from that walking on eggshells feeling, no matter what you do, then that
[34:45] needs to be addressed either through communication or maybe through separation.
[34:53] I prefer the communication route first, but when you've tried and tried and tried and you still
[34:58] feel like you're walking on eggshells no matter what, it might be time to consider what to do next with your life.
[35:07] And some people are family that you can't get away from, and you have to see them every now
[35:11] and then or see them every day.
[35:14] And if you are walking on eggshells, remember this is one-tenth of a healthy relationship.
[35:20] So if you're not walking on eggshells, that's good.
[35:23] That's a good component of a healthy relationship.
[35:26] But if you are, that takes it away.
[35:29] And I want you to look at all of these things like, "Hey, if you don't have them all, but you
[35:32] have most of them, that's pretty good." I mean, I wish you did have all of them, but it's pretty
[35:38] good because my formula for deciding if this relationship's going to continue, if there are
[35:46] difficulties, my formula is, "Are you happier more than 50% of the time?" Because if you're
[35:52] not, then it's probably not going to get any better.
[35:56] But if you are, if you're happier more than 50% of the time, that's still good.
[36:00] It's not great because it should be way above 50%.
[36:04] I mean, if it's above 50% and you're at 90%, great.
[36:07] But if it's just above 50%, that means half the time you're unhappy and half the time you aren't. That's questionable.
[36:15] That's certainly not someplace I want you to be.
[36:19] This is why you we're talking about this.
[36:22] This is why we have a list like this to make sure that we're meeting this criteria, my criteria, my personal criteria.
[36:30] This is what I tell people.
[36:32] It creates a happy relationship. No walking on eggshells.
[36:36] If you feel like you're walking on eggshells, that's a problem and will take away from the relationship.
[36:44] All right, we're on the last one.
[36:45] They accept your no without punishment. No.
[36:50] They accept that you have boundaries.
[36:53] It's really a boundaries thing.
[36:54] But if you say no, that means no.
[36:58] Remember the old saying, "No means no." And when they accept that without punishment, that means
[37:05] they are honoring your no.
[37:07] They are honoring the path that you want to take.
[37:11] So I know there are exceptions, of course.
[37:14] You might say, "Hey, I want to go to a restaurant," and the other person says, "No, I don't
[37:18] really want to go." "Well, we need to eat, so I'm going to go." "Okay, I'll go with you." There
[37:24] are times, but that's just a minor example.
[37:26] But I'm all for honoring someone's no.
[37:31] That just shows that you care about what they decide.
[37:35] And this really actually plays out as, "I accept who you are." And if I were going to add another
[37:42] item to this list, it's total acceptance to who someone is.
[37:48] So if somebody says no, that's who they are. That's what they want.
[37:53] And when we accept that's what they want, then everything that we're thinking comes back to
[37:59] us because they've told us how they think and what they're thinking and how they feel.
[38:05] And now we come back to ourselves and we tell ourselves, "Okay, they said no.
[38:09] What am I going to do?" So whatever they're saying no to, it's their right to do it, and we
[38:16] aren't here to change it.
[38:18] Because when we honor someone's no, that means we are accepting that person as they are.
[38:26] And I think that is one of the most respectful things you can do with someone is accept them
[38:32] as they are who they are.
[38:34] And if I hear somebody say, "Well, what if I can't accept them as they are?
[38:39] What if they are a jerk?" then that's not their problem. That's your problem.
[38:46] Somebody might hate me saying that, but it's true.
[38:49] If they're a jerk and you don't want to be with a jerk, but you stick around with a jerk, how is it their fault?
[38:57] Yes, they may be a jerk, and I wish they would change.
[39:01] That would be my opinion.
[39:03] I wish the jerk would change.
[39:05] But if they don't, then what comes next is your decision.
[39:09] And this really comes down to emotionally abusive behavior.
[39:12] Because when we can't accept somebody as they are and we try to change who they are, that would be emotionally abusive.
[39:20] So instead of accepting who they are, we try to change them, we try to control them, we try
[39:24] to make them do what we want them to do, which is all emotionally abusive.
[39:29] So if my wife were doing something I couldn't agree with, I could either say, "Well, I don't
[39:33] agree with that, but that's your choice, and I just have to learn to live with your choice or not.
[39:42] I have to learn to accept your choice or not." And that means accepting you.
[39:47] Because if I can't accept you and your choice, then that's on me, my inability to accept.
[39:53] But Paul, what if they're the biggest jerk in the world? I agree.
[39:57] If my wife turned into the biggest jerk in the world, then I would have to say, "Well, that's who she is.
[40:03] I wish she would change, but she's not, so I need to take care of myself." It all comes back to me.
[40:10] It all comes back to me making the decision to stay with somebody I can't accept, or I could
[40:15] try to change them, but that will turn into a nightmare too because nobody wants to feel changed or controlled.
[40:23] And so I come back to myself and ask myself, "Okay, now that this person is in my life that
[40:29] I can't change and won't change, what am I going to do for myself?" That's where I'm going to end it today.
[40:36] Thanks so much for joining me.
[40:38] I hope you got something from this episode, and I'm sure there's more we can add to this list.
[40:43] We'll probably come up with another one later, but those are the guidelines I live by, and I
[40:48] hope they are helpful to you.
[40:50] Thanks for listening to another episode of The Overwhelmed Brain.
[40:54] I want to thank our patrons this week, Way and Crystal and Angel and Shannon.
[40:59] Wonderful to see your names.
[41:00] Thank you for supporting the show, and I appreciate all of you.
[41:04] And if you find value in the show like these patrons do and you want to give back, head over
[41:08] to moreTOB.com, and there are ways to do that over there.
[41:12] And for a show on how to navigate the difficult relationship, Love and Abuse is the way to go.
[41:18] My other podcast, if you go to loveandabuse.com.
[41:21] Remember how I said at the beginning of the episode to listen to all my shows and do the opposite
[41:25] of all the toxic behavior?
[41:27] I talk about all the toxic behavior over at loveandabuse.com.
[41:30] It gets into control and manipulation and all the opposite of what we talked about today, pretty much.
[41:38] So if you're dealing with a difficult relationship, head over there, loveandabuse.com.
[41:43] And I want to tell you about healbeing.com.
[41:45] That's a place where I help the difficult person in the relationship heal and change.
[41:51] I have seen many relationships transform, those three entities in a relationship.
[41:57] Maybe one of them is trying their hardest to make it work, and the other one wants the other
[42:03] person to try their hardest to make it work, but they're not doing anything themselves.
[42:07] If that made sense to you, the point is somebody might not be trying at all, and somebody might
[42:14] be trying to change or control you, or maybe you're trying to change or control somebody else.
[42:18] And if you're doing that, you might be crossing the line of emotionally abusive behavior.
[42:24] And if you want to change that about yourself and maybe even save a relationship that's on the
[42:28] verge of disaster, head over to healbeing.com, and I have an entire program there that basically
[42:36] is this episode times a thousand.
[42:40] It will get you into a fantastic space in your relationship.
[42:45] And if this relationship doesn't work out or you're out of a relationship, it guarantees the
[42:50] next one is going to be so much better.
[42:53] At least I can guarantee that you'll show up better.
[42:55] I can't guarantee anything else, but I can guarantee that you're going to be the healthiest partner you can be. That's over at healbeing.com.
[43:05] And with that, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions.
[43:11] And be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
[43:16] Always take steps to grow and evolve.
[43:19] You are powerful beyond measure.
[43:22] And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you, you are amazing.

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