# The "It's not my fault" apology

An episode of [The Overwhelmed Brain](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/743537890), 12 Jul 2026, 39 min.

Audio: https://verifi.podscribe.com/rss/p/dts.podtrac.com/redirect.mp3/prfx.byspotify.com/e/pscrb.fm/rss/p/traffic.libsyn.com/secure/theoverwhelmedbrain/673_-_The__its_not_my_fault__apology.mp3?dest-id=168817

If you've ever felt hurt or offended by someone's words or actions, and their "apology" was more like a deflection than compassion for how it affected you, was it really an apology at all or simply more salt in the wound?

## Transcript

[0:00] Welcome to the Overwhelmed Brain podcast, helping you navigate the difficulties in your life and relationships.
[0:06] These are my personal opinions; always seek a professional when you're making choices about
[0:10] your mental health and well-being.
[0:17] Welcome back to another show.
[0:19] If you're new, then welcome for the first time.
[0:22] I just had to cover that because I said "welcome back," and maybe that doesn't affect everyone.
[0:27] I have a great topic today, at least it's— I think it's great.
[0:32] Somebody wrote to me and said, "Would you please consider making an episode on intention versus
[0:36] impact?" And they go on to say, "What I mean is the tension we sometimes feel in relationships."
[0:43] For example, I had a friend shout at me during a concert.
[0:46] Afterward she said, or she asked me to understand that she hadn't intended to hurt me, and I believed her.
[0:54] I don't think she wanted to upset me, but what I struggled with was that the conversation seemed
[0:58] to revolve almost entirely around her intent.
[1:02] It felt like my actual experience of being shouted at and how it affected me became secondary.
[1:07] It made me wonder: when someone says, "I didn't mean to hurt you," is that enough?
[1:12] How do you acknowledge someone's good intentions without unintentionally minimizing the hurt they caused?
[1:19] Let me read that again so I understand it: how do you acknowledge someone's good intentions
[1:23] without unintentionally minimizing the hurt they caused?
[1:27] Okay, we'll revisit that in a moment.
[1:29] I'd love to hear both sides explored.
[1:31] Sometimes people don't really intend harm and deserve grace.
[1:35] At the same time, the person who was hurt still has a real emotional experience that doesn't
[1:40] disappear just because the harm was unintentional.
[1:43] How do you balance those two truths?
[1:45] And this is actually a repeating pattern in my friendship with this person: me being really
[1:51] hurt over something they did, and then telling me that they didn't mean it, but I'm still left hurting.
[1:57] When does explaining your intent become accountability, and when does it become a way of avoiding
[2:01] the impact your actions had?
[2:04] Conversely, how can the hurt person recognize good intentions without dismissing their own feelings?
[2:10] I think this is a dynamic many people experience in relationships, and I'd love to hear your
[2:14] perspective on how to navigate it in a way that leaves both people feeling understood.
[2:19] Good luck with that one.
[2:21] That's going to be a challenge because of this particular topic. And that was it.
[2:25] So thank you for writing that, and thank you for opening up a can of worms for me.
[2:31] There's a simple way to look at this, and there's a more complex way to look at it.
[2:36] I wrote myself a bunch of notes, and I also tried it on.
[2:40] There were times in my life where, of course, I did not intend to hurt someone.
[2:47] The first thing that came to mind, actually, is sort of related but not.
[2:52] I was driving along a country road.
[2:55] I was on a business trip somewhere, just by myself, and the speed limit was 55, so I set the
[3:02] cruise control to 55 and I just relaxed.
[3:06] A cop car pulls up behind me, pulls me over, and says I was going 10 miles over the speed limit.
[3:12] I said, "I don't understand.
[3:14] The speed limit said 55, and I even had the cruise control on." My intention was to keep driving
[3:22] within the confines of the law. That was my intention.
[3:25] So why couldn't I necessarily get out of this ticket that he was writing me and I couldn't?
[3:33] He said, "Nope, it changed to 45, so you were going 10 miles over." And I said, "You know, I
[3:40] was doing the speed limit, and I was— I had the cruise control on.
[3:44] It certainly wasn't what I was trying to do.
[3:46] I wasn't trying to speed." He said, "It didn't matter. You were speeding.
[3:51] It changed." I can't recall ever seeing a sign, but maybe there was one.
[3:56] Maybe I looked away for half a second and then the sign appeared behind a bush. I don't know.
[4:01] But I got that ticket.
[4:04] He didn't give me any leeway, any any break at all.
[4:08] So I took the ticket, had to pay for it, and went on my way.
[4:13] Now, I was breaking the rules.
[4:16] I was violating the law, according to the officer and according to the system in place, the system of law.
[4:24] So I liken it to this example only to the extent where I violated something that existed, even
[4:35] though it wasn't my intention to do so.
[4:38] I did not intend to violate the law.
[4:40] My every intention was honorable, was to stay within the confines of the law, to follow the law.
[4:48] Yet I still did it. So do I apologize?
[4:53] I don't feel like I had to apologize.
[4:55] At the same time, who would I apologize to?
[4:59] I can't really apologize to the system.
[5:02] I just have to take accountability for what I did, which I did so reluctantly, but I did.
[5:08] But I'm not apologizing because I feel like I didn't do anything wrong.
[5:13] So there's this side of— or this kind of this side of the argument about what we're talking about today.
[5:20] And then I look at it: there's no human element in this system.
[5:25] There are multiple humans that have created a system of laws that we have to follow, but there's
[5:30] no one human that's going to be offended if I break the law.
[5:34] They just tell you, "If you break the law, you're going to have to pay a fine, or get a warning,
[5:39] or go to court, or whatever, or go to jail." If you break the law, this system's in place. That's how it works.
[5:48] But what about human to human?
[5:50] Let's just say that, um— let me think of an example.
[5:55] I'm driving along someone's driveway.
[5:59] It may have a really long driveway.
[6:01] And I accidentally run into a swing set on the side of the road that I didn't notice, for whatever reason. I crush it.
[6:12] I crush the swing set, and their child is, like, 20 feet away and, like, wasn't hurt, but saw it happen.
[6:21] And the parent was right there too, you know, the person who owns the property.
[6:26] And the parent's like, "What the hell are you doing?" And they run over, grab their kid, and everyone's safe.
[6:33] But it turns out that I ran over the swing set, so now it's my fault.
[6:38] And of course, in this example, I'm going to say, "I'm so sorry.
[6:43] Oh my— oh my God, I'm so sorry." Are they all right?
[6:45] Is your child all right?
[6:47] And if they say, "Of course," I'm going to say, "I'll pay for the swing set. I'm so sorry.
[6:51] This is not— you know, this is not how I normally drive, and I definitely— I must not have been
[6:57] paying attention." So in this instance, I'm apologizing because I know I did wrong.
[7:03] But what if— what if, let's just say that a tree fell on the right side of the road, I swung
[7:11] and missed the tree and smashed into that swing set?
[7:14] Same scenario: the child's 20 feet away, the parent's watching.
[7:18] And the tree didn't hit my truck, so I avoided that.
[7:23] But I did hit the swing set, where there were children playing.
[7:27] And it was a split-second decision.
[7:29] I wasn't even thinking that there might be children over there. I didn't see anyone.
[7:32] I just hit the swing set, so now it's crushed. Do I apologize?
[7:37] Do I say, "I'm so sorry that tree fell, and I can't believe I almost hit that person— or hit that child— that person.
[7:44] I almost hit that child. I'm so sorry"? Do I say that?
[7:48] Or do I say, "Hey, you know, this isn't my fault. The tree fell.
[7:52] You know, you're— you're responsible for your property.
[7:55] And if the tree falls, that is something that you're responsible for.
[7:59] It wasn't my intention to hit the swing set.
[8:02] So you can't really blame me for this.
[8:05] In fact, you should be happy that the tree didn't fall on my truck, because I would probably
[8:11] be upset that the tree hit my truck." So avoiding that, avoiding the tree, I'm actually doing you a favor.
[8:22] It's a silly but probably true example in some cases.
[8:27] But there's a perfect example, right?
[8:29] The child was in danger.
[8:31] The parent's freaking out, for good reason, grabbing their child, hoping to keep their child safe.
[8:37] And here I am, smashing their play set.
[8:41] Like, a child could have been on that play set, but I have an excuse. I smashed into it. It's a legitimate excuse.
[8:50] I smashed into it because I was avoiding a tree.
[8:54] Somebody might say, "Well, that's not legitimate, because if there's a swing set over there,
[8:57] you shouldn't— you just let the tree hit your truck because you never know who you're going
[9:00] to hit." Of course, I understand that, but we're just using this as an example.
[9:05] So now I'm in this dilemma.
[9:08] You know, I'm talking about this as a dilemma, where the parent says, "You need to apologize."
[9:15] Or maybe they don't say that, but they expect it.
[9:18] They expect me to say, "I'm so sorry.
[9:21] Are you all right?" Now, why would I apologize?
[9:25] I would apologize because— I think this is key, and it's a key part of what this person is talking
[9:32] about— because I care about the other person's feelings. I care. I have empathy.
[9:39] Because if I were that parent, or even that child, who was full of fear in that moment— both
[9:44] of them full of fear— my empathetic response would be, "Wow, I am so afraid.
[9:50] If I was that child, I would be so afraid.
[9:53] If I was that parent, I would be so afraid." And I'm sorry for being part of the cause of that fear.
[10:02] I'm sorry for being responsible for that fear.
[10:06] I'm not saying I'm at fault, even though in that case I would be, but just using this again as an example.
[10:13] I'm not saying that it is my fault that this happened.
[10:18] There were a series of events that caused this, and I didn't see the swing set, and I smashed into it.
[10:26] But I am taking responsibility.
[10:28] First of all, I'm so sorry by saying I'm sorry. I'm taking responsibility.
[10:33] And I'm also taking responsibility for the human part of this, which is feeling bad for what happened.
[10:41] And I could say, "Feeling bad for what I did." And I should say that, because I did it.
[10:48] I was the person who created the scenario, even though the scenario happened to me.
[10:58] So yes, there are circumstances that occur that happen to us, or something that we don't intend
[11:06] or out of our control, and our actions create a domino effect to affect another person.
[11:15] And when it affects that other person, we are part of the formula that affected the other person.
[11:22] So I began talking about, like, the speed limit thing. I violated a system.
[11:29] In this case, I sort of— it's the wrong word— but violated a person.
[11:36] And because I was involved in that violation, even though I had zero intention to hurt the other
[11:44] person, the child or the parent, I had no intention whatsoever, I am still responsible for the actions that I took.
[11:53] And my actions caused their fear, their pain, their concern, their suffering.
[12:02] And because of that, and because I'm an empathetic, compassionate person, I'm going to apologize,
[12:09] because I feel bad that I was part of the result of what occurred.
[12:16] The result included the parent and the child in suffering or fear or pain or something of some sort.
[12:23] And because I care about them, and I don't want other people to hurt, and I am part of the—
[12:31] the combination of ingredients that ended up with them being hurt or in pain or fear or suffering,
[12:38] then I'm going to say, "I'm so sorry. Are you okay? I'm so sorry.
[12:42] I should have done this instead." Because I'm taking responsibility for my personal actions,
[12:51] my actions that violated— again, not the best word— hurt another person.
[12:58] Because I don't want to hurt other people. And I also care.
[13:02] I care enough for them to understand that if I were them, I would feel the same way they felt.
[13:10] I would be in fear.
[13:12] I would be suffering in some way.
[13:14] I'd be going crazy in my mind thinking that my child could have been on that swing set.
[13:19] And that's how I view intention versus impact, is that we can have the best of intentions, or
[13:26] even no intention at all of hurting someone else, and still hurt them.
[13:32] And when we do, what is our response?
[13:36] Is our response going to contain a human element of kindness and care and compassion, or is
[13:42] it going to be self-focused, maybe a little self-absorbed?
[13:47] I'm not putting anyone down, because there are times when we do things that had no intention
[13:53] of hurting someone else, and someone else got hurt anyway.
[13:55] And maybe it was their own stupidity, because that's what we think. Like, "Oh, you idiot.
[13:59] Why did you do that?" That can happen too.
[14:04] But when there is a clear cause and effect— this person this person who wrote, their friend
[14:11] yelled at them— that's the cause.
[14:13] And the effect of that was the hurt that this person who wrote feels or felt.
[14:21] And because that cause and effect exists, a friend will often apologize for what they did. Especially because it's direct.
[14:32] If it was indirect, it would be different.
[14:34] Like, if the friend was in the other room yelling, and the person who wrote was in another room,
[14:40] and the person who wrote says, "I'm so, you know, upset that my friend was yelling in the other
[14:46] room, that it really affected me the rest of the day," then I might say, "Well, look, you know,
[14:53] that was kind of their own personal space, and if you heard it and you were triggered by it,
[14:58] is it your friend's fault that you heard that and they weren't directing it at you?" I might
[15:05] say, "That's a little unreasonable," unless there's been a history where they go into another
[15:10] room and scream— you know, scream out their top of their lungs— about you, and it hurts.
[15:16] There might be something like that in history.
[15:19] But if they're just yelling, or they even said your name and you weren't supposed to hear it,
[15:25] I can look at that differently.
[15:27] But when you are the target of someone's behavior, of someone's actions, and you are hurt by
[15:34] their actions, I believe that a kind, caring, compassionate, minimally sympathetic, at most
[15:43] empathetic person is going to apologize. "Hey, you know, I didn't intend to hurt you with my
[15:50] words, but the fact that I did, I feel bad about, and I'm sorry about that." Something simple
[15:57] like that sounds reasonable to me. Sounds reasonable.
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[17:52] Now, I have a perspective, and maybe it's a popular one, maybe it's not a popular one, but my
[17:59] perspective is something I learned about 30 years ago in my training.
[18:02] I took communications classes, neuro-linguistic programming, and there was one thing that I—
[18:08] of many things I learned— but there was one statement, or one what they call "presupposition,"
[18:13] which is something that you presuppose about people and relationships and communication.
[18:21] And that is the presupposition of: the meaning of communication is the response that you get. I adopted that.
[18:31] I burned it into my brain.
[18:34] And what that means is that how people interpret what you say or do— typically say, but— how
[18:43] people interpret you is the communication that you convey.
[18:48] That is the meaning of what you convey.
[18:51] Even if you said, "I love you, you are beautiful," to a person, and the person said, "You're
[18:58] just saying that because you want something from me." "No, I really do love you.
[19:05] I mean, I'm telling you I love you.
[19:06] I really care about you.
[19:08] Stop saying that because you don't mean it." So my intention is to say, "I really love this person.
[19:15] I'm telling you I love you, and this is what I mean.
[19:17] I'm telling you the truth." And if they say, "Well, I don't believe you," what I said is defined
[19:24] by what they heard and interpreted.
[19:27] This is a presupposition of language that, if you adopt it, you will get 1,000% better in your communication skills.
[19:37] This is just my opinion, but I have adopted this, and it has worked for me every time.
[19:42] It's taking responsibility for how you communicate to other people.
[19:48] So if you say, "Please take the garbage out," and an hour later the garbage is still not taken
[19:55] out, and you go up to whoever and say, "Look, I told you to take the garbage out.
[20:00] Why didn't you take the garbage out?" and then they look at you funny, and you say, "What do you mean? I'm going to.
[20:07] I'm going to take the garbage out." Then you say, "I wanted you to take the garbage out earlier.
[20:12] Why didn't you do it?" and then they're looking at you funny again.
[20:17] Do you take responsibility for the fact that you didn't say when?
[20:23] You might say, "But I intended.
[20:26] I meant that they should take the garbage out now, otherwise I wouldn't have said it right then and there.
[20:33] I saw it was full, I said, 'Go take the garbage out,' and they didn't.
[20:38] So it's not my fault that they didn't take the garbage out.
[20:42] It's their fault because they didn't get up and take it out." But if you do, if you take responsibility
[20:49] for what and the way you communicated, your life changes, because now you can find the most
[20:57] effective way to convey a message where it's not misunderstood.
[21:03] And this is really helpful for me when, you know, during this show and when I do one-on-one
[21:08] coaching and things like that, where if I take responsibility for my message and don't rely
[21:16] on someone else to interpret my message clearly and appropriately, then what I get to do is
[21:24] relay it in a way that makes more sense and there's less misunderstanding.
[21:29] And this is very helpful, because it makes you a more flexible communicator, and you don't walk
[21:35] around thinking, "Everyone's an idiot." In the sense that, "Hey, I said take the garbage out,
[21:42] and if they really didn't understand that you meant now," which I've been guilty of, what ends
[21:50] up happening is that you create a more cohesive relationship with a person, because now you
[21:59] learn how to talk with them without any misinterpretation.
[22:05] It's not a mystery to anyone.
[22:07] Like, my wife is notorious for this.
[22:11] She will say something, and I will look at her funny, and she'll say, "What don't you understand?"
[22:19] and I'll say, "Just about everything you said.
[22:22] Can you say it in a different way?" and she'll repeat what she said, maybe a little louder,
[22:31] and I will still not understand. "Okay, let's break this down, because I don't understand."
[22:37] And we'll have conversations like this.
[22:39] Fortunately, we've broken through all these barriers and limitations of our communication, because
[22:45] we do very much communicate differently.
[22:49] I'll say something, and she will misinterpret, and she'll say something, and I'll misinterpret.
[22:54] And I have told her, "I'm responsible for my communication, and you are responsible for your
[22:58] communication." And she will say, "No, I'm only 50% responsible, and you are 50% responsible."
[23:05] And I'll say, "I don't have that philosophy.
[23:08] My philosophy is, if you don't understand what I said the first time, that's my fault or my
[23:14] responsibility to reconvey it, to convey it in a different way so that you do understand it." And so I will. That's what I'll do.
[23:22] And that's why I believe I have more patience than her.
[23:27] Someday she'll hear this, and we'll have a conversation on it.
[23:30] But that is the approach I take, is that if she doesn't understand what I'm saying, I'll say
[23:37] it again in a different way, but not— I won't have any emotion behind it.
[23:43] Like, it doesn't bother me.
[23:45] It bothers her sometimes to have to repeat herself to me and then look at me and say, "Why don't
[23:51] you get it?" and then she'll ask me questions like, "Why don't other people get this? I don't understand. It's so simple. It's a simple concept.
[23:58] Why doesn't that person get it?" And I'll say, "Because the way we communicate is different
[24:03] than other people." And she'll say, "Don't mansplain me," and then we'll have a conversation about that.
[24:09] Again, it doesn't happen often, but that's a great example, is that my wife and I will have
[24:15] these very infrequent conversations, and she will say something that I misinterpret or don't
[24:20] understand, and I just need it spoken to me in a way that makes sense to me. Third-grade level stuff.
[24:29] So if you can break it down for me, that would be great. And that's what happens.
[24:33] We finally get our point across.
[24:36] So coming back to this person, this is what I believe: if we take responsibility for the meaning
[24:44] that other people get from our communication, then we end up being more empathetic to where they are.
[24:55] And I believe empathy is required, at least sympathy, but empathy is even better, is required
[25:02] when somebody else is hurt or suffers from something that we say or do that we didn't intend
[25:11] to do in a way that hurt them, if that makes sense.
[25:17] Apologizing for hurting somebody, even though it wasn't your intention to hurt them— I mean,
[25:22] when I say it out loud, it's kind of silly.
[25:24] Like, "It was my intention to hurt you." I mean, who says that?
[25:28] I mean, it does happen.
[25:30] Some people say, "Yeah, it was my intention to hurt you." But in most cases, it's most people's
[25:34] intention is not to hurt another person, and it happens anyway. Most people will apologize.
[25:42] I thought of another example, like you're pushing a cart down the aisle of a supermarket, and
[25:47] somebody else is pushing their cart toward yours, but you don't see them because they're outside the aisle.
[25:52] They're coming across the aisles, and you're going up an aisle, and then suddenly you meet at
[25:57] a corner, like the end of the aisle that you're in, and smash into each other.
[26:02] You were going your way, they were going their way, and it was no one's fault but both people's
[26:08] fault because they both took the corner tight and they didn't really look where they were going,
[26:13] and they didn't look ahead.
[26:14] And sometimes it's hard to look ahead, and you can't see what's happening.
[26:17] So anyway, it's just something that happens.
[26:21] When this happens to me, I say, "I'm so sorry.
[26:24] I didn't see you there." And they might say the same thing.
[26:29] Most of the time, most people will do that. "Oh, so sorry.
[26:32] So sorry." And then you move on, and it's all good.
[26:35] It was just an accident, and nobody's really doing anything intentionally.
[26:40] But what if you hit that person's cart, and they said, "Hey, you know, what's going on?
[26:47] Why are you coming out of the aisle so fast?" and you say, "No, no, no, it wasn't my intention.
[26:52] I didn't mean to come out the aisle.
[26:54] I'm sorry." And they say, "Well, you were coming out really fast." You could get into that conversation
[27:02] and say, "Well, you came from the side and didn't look around the corner before you ran into
[27:09] me." Where do you think that conversation is going to go?
[27:12] It's not going to go anywhere.
[27:14] Because one person might be apologetic and the other person's not.
[27:19] The point I'm trying to make with this little thing is: who are you going to like more?
[27:27] Yes, I'm going in this direction, and this is kind of how I feel about people who don't apologize
[27:34] even when they don't intend to harm. This doesn't mean everyone.
[27:39] This doesn't mean every situation.
[27:41] But this person wrote and said, "This has been a pattern with this person, and it's hard to
[27:47] like people who refuse to try on sympathy or empathy and put themselves in the shoes of the person they unintentionally hurt.
[27:59] It's hard to like them.
[28:02] They are not very likable.
[28:04] They are the kind of people— and again, there are exceptions— it's hard to like people who don't
[28:10] apologize, who refuse to see that their actions or their words caused harm, and refuse to try
[28:21] on sympathy or empathy to understand the other person's plight and how it could have been interpreted,
[28:28] because they're not taking responsibility for their communication.
[28:34] This is why I appreciate the philosophy, the perspective of the meaning of communication as
[28:41] the response that you get.
[28:43] And so if this person yelled at the person who wrote to me, and the person who wrote to me felt
[28:50] hurt by it, and it happens often, then their friend, I have to say, is probably not very likable.
[29:00] I'm not saying they're a bad person.
[29:02] I'm just saying that here's someone writing to me and wants to probably get along with their
[29:08] friend, but it's hard to do that because the friend never apologizes for their actions.
[29:16] And if they never apologize and there's a pattern of that, it makes that person unlikable.
[29:25] That's my take on all of this.
[29:28] And if someone's unlikable, you kind of have to make a decision if you want to keep them in your life.
[29:32] And I'm not saying, "Hey, you should leave this person," or whatever.
[29:35] You might just have to accept— and this is one of my other philosophies— accept them exactly
[29:41] as they are, meaning they will never apologize for any emotional trigger that you have from
[29:49] their words or actions, and can you be okay with that?
[29:53] Because if they're great in every other way and you can be okay with that, then I don't have
[29:59] a problem with you being friends with them.
[30:01] You can just say, "Well, that's them. That's who they are.
[30:05] They're not going to apologize for what they just did to me.
[30:08] So I'm going to accept that's who they are, and I can choose to still hang out with them or not.
[30:14] But I've accepted them as they are, so it'll be fine going forward." But you may not feel that way.
[30:23] You don't like that they do these things that hurt you, and they never seem to take responsibility.
[30:29] And I see this a lot, is that people who don't take responsibility for their behaviors are usually not apologetic, ever.
[30:38] In this case, I don't even know.
[30:41] You didn't say that your friend took responsibility.
[30:44] You just said that your friend didn't intend to hurt you.
[30:47] I think you said— here it is— "I don't think she wanted to upset me." So you don't even know
[30:53] if she wanted to upset you or not, because she said, "I didn't intend to hurt you, but what
[30:57] I struggled with was the conversation seemed to revolve almost entirely around her intent."
[31:02] So your friend was talking about what she meant and not connecting with you at a sympathetic or empathetic level. Basically emotional.
[31:15] She's not connecting emotionally with you.
[31:18] And so if somebody doesn't connect emotionally with you, sure, there may be something going on inside of them.
[31:23] They may have some sort of dysfunctional belief system, or they felt neglect as a child, and
[31:29] connecting with their emotions is hard, or a number of things.
[31:33] It could be a number of things.
[31:35] But are they good people in general? They could be.
[31:39] They could be great people in general, but they're the type of person who doesn't like to take
[31:43] responsibility because taking responsibility means they feel unworthy or unlovable, or again,
[31:51] could be dysfunction that they're dealing with that has nothing to do with you, and it's just who they are.
[31:57] Which is why I say, sometimes you can just look at someone and say, "That's who they are.
[32:02] I accept who they are, and that's who they'll always be, and I can either be okay with it and
[32:09] continue the relationship or not." This is my perspective on all of this.
[32:15] I hope this has helped you come up with some thoughts on your own on what you want to do about this.
[32:22] I personally, if I had people like this in my life, it would motivate me to kind of move away from them.
[32:32] I'm not saying you should do that because I don't know any of your story.
[32:36] Just this one little part.
[32:37] But I prefer people who are emotionally connected and in sync with me at an emotional level.
[32:46] It doesn't mean they have to be exactly where I am.
[32:50] It just means if I'm hurting, it would be great for them to feel emotionally connected to me
[32:56] enough to say, "I'm so sorry.
[32:59] What's going on?" Not that they're taking responsibility for my pain, but maybe they would.
[33:06] That would make me feel better, make me not feel so alone in a relationship where I feel emotionally
[33:12] connected to them, but they don't feel the same way about me.
[33:15] So there could be other factors that you haven't shared with me, and that's okay.
[33:19] So this is definitely a personal decision.
[33:22] I just prefer to have people that might be more emotionally grounded and aware that their actions
[33:32] and their words affect others and take responsibility for their actions and words, instead of
[33:40] expecting everyone else to assume that they didn't intend harm.
[33:46] It doesn't mean that they didn't intend harm.
[33:48] It just means that the people in my life, I believe, should have enough ownership of their behaviors,
[33:56] of their words, that when those behaviors and words do affect somebody in a negative way, they feel bad about it.
[34:04] And they feel so bad that they apologize for how they came across and how it affected you. "I'm so sorry that hurt.
[34:11] I didn't mean to do that." That's a lot different than, "I didn't mean to do that." "I'm so
[34:16] sorry" is a lot different than, "I didn't intend that." It is the human emotional connection
[34:23] that, in my opinion, is more valuable as a friendship, as in a family, or in a romantic relationship, or whatever it is.
[34:33] That human emotional connection, when you are the target of somebody else's words or actions
[34:41] that weren't intentionally harmful but harmed you anyway, you would hope that person would feel
[34:47] bad for what they did or said, even if they didn't intend it.
[34:53] And that's why I prefer friendships and relationships that go in that direction.
[34:58] They just feel better, and those people are more likable.
[35:02] And I don't want to have to constantly think that they're going to do something else and hurt
[35:08] me again, or I'm going to be triggered by them.
[35:11] And yes, I'll take responsibility for my own emotional triggers, but it would be great if they
[35:17] said, "I'm sorry," every now and then, because they are a way that really affects me.
[35:23] And again, this might be another case of, "Well, I have to accept them as they are.
[35:28] They're not like that, and I can choose to stay with them and be okay with it, or not. I can leave.
[35:35] I can stay away from them and just kind of limit my interactions with them." So there are my thoughts.
[35:41] There are my opinions, and I hope this helps you, the person who wrote.
[35:45] And thanks for such a great subject today. I appreciate you.
[35:48] And thanks for listening to another episode of The Overwhelmed Brain.
[35:52] I want to thank the patrons of the week: Ana, Sandra, Tammy, and Deborah.
[35:56] I am so grateful for your generosity.
[35:59] Thank you for giving every month.
[36:01] And I am just so grateful when I see your names. It warms my heart.
[36:06] They give because they find value in the show, and they want to show their support in a financial way.
[36:12] And that is an option.
[36:14] If you want to give back because you find value in the show, you can head over to moretob.com,
[36:20] and there are options to do that over there. Thank you again, patrons.
[36:24] And for a show on how to navigate the difficult relationship— and I'm talking about ones where
[36:29] you can't figure out what's going on, maybe you're a little confused, maybe you feel responsible
[36:34] for all the problems, but you think something else is going on— head over to my other podcast,
[36:40] Love & Abuse, over at loveandabuse.com, and you will learn a lot about controlling and manipulative and emotionally abusive behaviors.
[36:48] Now, if you know that you're the difficult one in the relationship, well, that's a different story.
[36:53] I can help you become the best partner.
[36:56] I can help you even possibly save your relationship.
[37:00] If that's in the cards, I'm going to give you the best chance there is to save a relationship on the brink.
[37:06] And if there's still love in their heart, there's still a chance.
[37:10] That's how I see things.
[37:11] You can head over to healedbeing.com and learn more about it over there.
[37:16] You can sign up for the free lessons and get started right away.
[37:19] And with that, I want to remind you to always keep your mind open, because that's how you make the best decisions.
[37:27] And I want you to be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
[37:32] Always take steps to grow and evolve.
[37:35] You are powerful beyond measure.
[37:38] And above all— and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you— you are amazing.

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