# Is sarcasm supposed to be funny or mean or...

An episode of [The Overwhelmed Brain](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/743537890), 16 Aug 2026, 27 min.

Audio: https://verifi.podscribe.com/rss/p/dts.podtrac.com/redirect.mp3/prfx.byspotify.com/e/pscrb.fm/rss/p/traffic.libsyn.com/secure/theoverwhelmedbrain/678_-_Is_sarcasm_supposed_to_be_funny_or_mean_or....mp3?dest-id=168817

Sarcasm can hide contempt while being disguised as humor. But, it can also bring humor to a difficult situation. Is there a limit to sarcasm and can it hurt relationships? Lots to discuss.

## Transcript

[0:00] Welcome to the Overwhelmed Brain podcast, helping you navigate the difficulties in your life and relationships.
[0:06] These are my personal opinions; always seek a professional when you're making choices about
[0:10] your mental health and well-being.
[0:18] All right, coming out of that very anxiety-inducing intro, I'm here today to talk about maybe
[0:27] one subject, or maybe two: sarcasm.
[0:31] Somebody asked me about sarcasm a few years ago, and I just never got a chance to get to it.
[0:37] Then it wasn't something that I thought would make a good subject for a show, but maybe it would.
[0:44] And then I saw the message that came to me again today and realized, no, this would be a great
[0:50] subject for a show, because sarcasm can be used passive-aggressively to convey a message that
[1:00] somebody doesn't want to say directly, so they say it in a passive-aggressive way, and then
[1:06] they might say, "It's sarcastic," you know, "I'm being sarcastic," and they try to get away with it.
[1:14] It kind of reminds me of a guy I used to work with; he would say something like I'm trying to
[1:22] think of what he'd say, I forget, it's been a long time.
[1:25] He would say something that you would just go, "Huh?
[1:28] That doesn't make any sense," and then he'd go, "No, I'm just kidding, I'm just joking with
[1:32] you, man." And sometimes he would say, "Unless you want to," or "Unless you like that," or something like that.
[1:43] So what he was doing was trying to find out my answer to something, or whether I liked something or disliked it.
[1:52] It's sort of like saying "I'm going to go rob the tip jar next door," and then go, "I'm just
[1:59] kidding, I wouldn't do that," and then he might say, "Would you?" and then he would wait for
[2:05] an answer, and I would say, "Of course not," and then he'd say, "Oh, yeah, me neither, me neither."
[2:11] I'm exaggerating a little bit, but you can understand how that sounds like he's testing the
[2:17] waters, trying to figure out if I'm game to something that he would do.
[2:24] Almost like giving himself permission or justification for having the thought, or having the
[2:29] idea come to his mind, and even possibly acting on that idea, acting on that thought that he's
[2:39] going to behave in some way that I might, or others might find unethical, repulsive.
[2:49] So he tested the waters a lot, and he would claim sarcasm.
[2:55] And so I noted that, you know, I put that note in my mind that he did that.
[3:02] So when he said things, I would tell myself, "He's trying to justify something, he's trying
[3:08] to find out if I have a problem with it," and he did that a lot.
[3:13] And it was hard to tell when he was actually joking and when he wasn't, unless he followed up
[3:19] with something like, "Well, you wouldn't do that, would you?" You know, something like that.
[3:24] It became obvious to me.
[3:26] So I had to learn how to understand his sarcasm, and again, I really couldn't tell when he was
[3:34] joking or not, but I have a feeling, you know, looking back on it now, that he did that often
[3:40] for the exact reasons I'm spelling out here. "You wouldn't rob a bank, would ya?" Something like that.
[3:46] Just like at the beginning of this episode I said "As we come out of this anxiety-inducing music,"
[3:53] which to me is sarcastic, it's not anxiety-inducing, well, it's not to me, it's not anxiety-inducing
[4:00] music, it's calm, relaxing, and peaceful.
[4:04] It reminds me of something that my wife used to do.
[4:09] She might do it, or she did it with her kid, you know, a lot. My stepson now.
[4:14] She did it a lot with him.
[4:16] She did it with her ex-husband.
[4:18] And then she started doing it with me, and I found it offensive.
[4:22] She would say things like, "Nice going, slick," and back then it kind of hurt my feelings, like,
[4:29] "What are you talking about?
[4:30] That's not very nice, calling me slick.
[4:33] It's like you're calling me a dumbass, you know, a dumb jerk.
[4:36] It's like you're calling me something and you don't really want to say the words." But to her,
[4:42] that was her level of sarcasm, and she got it, I can tell now, from her family.
[4:49] She grew up in that family of especially her dad, her sarcastic father, because he would say
[4:56] things like that all the time.
[4:59] And so she grew up with this kind of odd sense of humor.
[5:03] And what's interesting is that one of the first things that she told me was that she doesn't understand sarcasm. She doesn't get it.
[5:14] She doesn't hear it, like deadpan humor.
[5:17] She doesn't understand the dry humor.
[5:19] She's gotten a lot better because she lives with me. But I'm not sarcastic.
[5:25] I try not to be. Sometimes I am.
[5:27] You know, sometimes it'll be about the irony. "Hey, look at that I see that you didn't empty the trash.
[5:35] That's okay, because, you know, we need more flies."
[5:41] Yes, there's some maybe passive-aggressive in there, but it's one of those things where I really
[5:47] don't care, because I can empty the trash too, and I understand that, I know that, but it is
[5:54] something that comes out of my mouth every now and then.
[5:57] And it is not meant to be mean-spirited.
[6:00] But I used to be that way.
[6:02] I used to be kind of mean-spirited and passive-aggressive about stuff.
[6:06] And so I have to be careful that I don't access that.
[6:11] If there's something on my mind, I should be more direct. "Hey, we should really empty the trash,
[6:16] we're going to get flies." That's more direct.
[6:19] But if I don't have an attachment to it, and I really don't care, and I know that I can do it
[6:24] myself, I might joke about it.
[6:26] So there's that kind of joking that can take place, as long as the person that you're telling it to isn't offended.
[6:34] And it took her a long time to get used to my sense of humor and my sarcasm, which I think often should be treated differently.
[6:44] I think sarcasm should be treated differently than a sense of humor.
[6:49] And when you're sarcastic, it's important to make sure that there's no aggression or harmful
[6:59] or negative thoughts underneath, because it comes through.
[7:02] The negativity comes through when you're sarcastic and upset.
[7:08] So if you are using sarcasm to convey an upset, that's not going to go well when you actually
[7:16] use it to be funny.
[7:18] Because people won't get where you are.
[7:20] They won't know what you really mean, especially those closest to you.
[7:25] Those closest to you know you the best and hear all your words. They hear everything.
[7:31] And so I see sarcasm as one of those things that it can work in many situations. It can be fun. It can be funny.
[7:41] It's used in comedy all the time, improv, and it can also be used to harm.
[7:50] It can also be used to make someone feel bad and manipulate them into doing something that you
[7:56] want them to do, because sarcasm can be a manipulation.
[8:01] It's interesting because the email that I received was somebody telling me that they are now
[8:07] single, they got out of this, you know, terrible relationship, and they're looking on these
[8:13] dating sites and seeing all these people, all these men, that say one of their top five things
[8:20] is that they can be sarcastic.
[8:23] So they have, like, sarcasm listed in the five, or the top five descriptors of themselves.
[8:30] And she goes on to say, "It was," what did she say, "but usually included was a comment around
[8:37] seeking someone who gets, understands, can handle sarcasm." And she said, "You know, when I
[8:45] saw that, I wrinkled my nose and cringed every time I saw it.
[8:49] It was a giant red flag for me." I get that.
[8:53] Why would you say that you're sarcastic, that almost, I mean, I mean, as far as a dating profile,
[9:00] I don't think that's a good idea, even if you are, because it makes it sound like, "Hey, when
[9:07] I put you down, I want you to know that I could be joking, and so this gives me permission to
[9:15] put you down." This is the one thing, at least in my thought, in my opinion, that we have to
[9:22] be really careful about with sarcasm, is that when we put someone down with sarcasm and then
[9:29] we say, "I'm just kidding, you're gorgeous," or whatever, the put-down, it kind of sinks in.
[9:36] The put-down kind of sinks into the system, the psyche.
[9:41] If I say, "Hey, you listener," whatever your name is, "you're listening now you're so stupid
[9:50] for listening to a show like this." "I'm just kidding, you're smart." Doesn't that feel weird?
[9:57] That feels weird to me.
[9:59] I didn't even like saying it. "You're stupid for listening to shows like this, you're stupid
[10:04] for trying to improve yourself," because really, how much are you going to improve?
[10:08] How much are you really going to improve? "I'm just kidding, you're listening to the best show
[10:14] on earth, and you're going to," I mean, I can't even turn that around to remove the negativity.
[10:23] I can't turn it around to decrease the negative feeling that you got at the beginning.
[10:29] And I think that's one of the major problems with sarcastic comments, is that we can't pull
[10:36] it back enough sometimes to replace how someone feels and what someone thinks, to the point
[10:45] where it turns out well overall.
[10:48] It's, like I said, it gets buried in the psyche. I mean, it can.
[10:54] So if I say, "You're a jerk, just kidding, you're one of the nicest people I've ever met," it
[11:00] might replace that, because now I've got an over-the-top positive comment after it.
[11:08] But does that "you're a jerk" part land?
[11:12] I think if it lands, we're in dangerous territory.
[11:17] So I look at sarcasm as a very precarious thing.
[11:23] We have to be careful using it.
[11:25] How often do we use it in normal conversation?
[11:29] Are we using it as a free pass to be able to put someone down, to make them feel bad, and then
[11:39] take, or at least try to take that bad feeling away, and say, "Everything's okay," or "That's
[11:45] not true, I'm just kidding," however you do it?
[11:48] And do they do they feel okay about it, or do they dish it and take it as well?
[11:55] Like, do they dish what they take, and do they take what they dish?
[11:59] So this can happen too.
[12:01] This is what Asha, my wife, was telling me.
[12:03] She grew up like this.
[12:05] She grew up in a family where she had to take a lot of sarcasm, and then she found somebody
[12:12] in her life that could dish and take it, you know, back and forth with her, and she loved that banter, she told me.
[12:20] She says, "I was very comfortable with that banter, and then I met you," talking about me, "and
[12:26] I can't do that with you." And so I kind of miss that.
[12:31] And I'm thinking of the times that she tried to do it with me, "Nice going, slick," and it didn't feel very good.
[12:38] And I just thought, "Well, I'll try.
[12:42] I'll try to do this with you." And we tried, and we went back and forth a few times over the
[12:47] years, and she says, "It just doesn't work with you." So it's not like I don't get humor or sarcasm.
[12:54] I just think her approach sounds and feels passive-aggressive.
[13:00] And I could be 100% wrong.
[13:03] I probably am, because that's not who she is.
[13:06] She's more direct about anything all the time.
[13:09] And because she is that way, I can't really see her as being mean-spirited or passive-aggressive,
[13:16] so her sarcasm comes off differently.
[13:19] She has gotten, or she has altered that a little bit.
[13:22] She has figured out how to play with me in that way, just like I have figured out how to play
[13:28] with her, in a way.
[13:30] Because when I would try to banter back and be sarcastic, she said, "That's not sarcasm, that's
[13:37] mean." So we couldn't get each other.
[13:40] But my point is, sometimes we have a different perspective, a different reality of what sarcasm
[13:47] looks like, and so we have to be careful about that too. People can misunderstand.
[13:53] My focal point in this entire subject is that when we put something out there, the first thing
[14:03] that lands is usually the first thing that, or the thing that makes the most impact.
[14:10] So if the first thing that lands is what's a good example? "Hey I don't like the way you look
[14:19] in that dress, and you could probably benefit from losing a lot of weight." That would be hurtful to some people.
[14:30] It may not hurt everyone, but it may be hurtful to someone.
[14:33] And let's just say that you've already lost 50 pounds, and it was very obvious. And you looked great. You felt great. You looked great. You got compliments.
[14:42] But this one person said, "You could lose some more weight." And that's a trigger inside of you.
[14:49] And they said it maybe knowing that you looked great, and then they followed it up with, "I'm
[14:56] just kidding, you look amazing." Again, this is another example of, "How do I take this?
[15:04] Was it passive-aggressive?" If you have a trigger around that, if you have been dealing with,
[15:11] you know, fears and worries and concerns about your weight and how you look, then it's going
[15:18] to have a different impact.
[15:20] This is why sarcasm can be very difficult.
[15:23] It can be very difficult to know how someone's going to take it.
[15:28] I remember, there's another story.
[15:31] We have friends who have friends, and our friends of our friends had a son that I think he might
[15:39] have been a little autistic, I forget, but I made a joke.
[15:43] I made a joke with him.
[15:45] I guess it could have been seen as sarcasm.
[15:48] And I said something like, "Fashionably late as always," but the joke was we were all 15 minutes early.
[15:57] His parents and him looked at me with this blank stare, and I felt super uncomfortable.
[16:07] They're foreign, so maybe there was a difference in how senses of humor is that how you say it?
[16:14] Senses of humor are developed in other countries, I don't know.
[16:19] But they gave me this stare. They didn't smile. They didn't laugh. And I felt weird.
[16:24] I just felt like, "Oh crap, I just ruined that." Whatever I just said, you know, "Fashionably
[16:30] late as always," it didn't land.
[16:33] I don't even know how it landed.
[16:35] I just said, "Hey, well, how you doing?" And that was it.
[16:39] So it's possible there was a misunderstanding, like they didn't understand my sense of humor, my sarcasm.
[16:46] But this is a good example of something might not land.
[16:50] And fortunately, we got along, but I did notice that they weren't the kind of people that were laughing a lot.
[16:57] So perhaps they just didn't have the same kind of sense of humor.
[17:02] I mean, let's look at today's political climate.
[17:06] We have to be very careful.
[17:08] If you have a foreign friend, a Mexican friend, and you say, "Hey, buddy, ice is outside," that
[17:17] might not land too well.
[17:19] He might, or she might not like that at all.
[17:23] It might even make them very scared.
[17:25] And so that might not be something you can do with a friend.
[17:28] And I'm just, I'm saying the obvious, I know.
[17:31] I'm saying that when we touch on a sensitive subject with somebody, that it could, again, land wrong.
[17:40] So to the person who wrote to me a few years back and asked me this question, that's pretty
[17:45] much what I think about it.
[17:47] I think if I saw dating profiles with women who said, "I like to be sarcastic," that, that is
[17:56] kind of an orange flag for me, because it almost tells me I want to be able to make fun of you
[18:02] and you not feel bad about it, or you not be overly sensitive about it. It's strange to me.
[18:10] I'm not saying it's wrong.
[18:11] Like, if somebody is sarcastic, if you're sarcastic, that's your thing, and it works for you,
[18:16] and you have lots of friends, and you have a great relationship, then maybe you're using it right.
[18:21] But if I saw it in a dating profile, I would probably shy away from it myself.
[18:27] I'm looking for something more serious.
[18:30] I'm looking for some—well, I'm not looking now, I'm married—but I'm looking for somebody who wants healthy, honest conversation.
[18:38] And if there's humor in the conversation and some sarcasm every now and then, I think that's
[18:44] perfectly fine, assuming it's healthy.
[18:48] But to have it as a descriptor in your bio tells me that it's probably a part of you, or at
[18:56] least a big part of how you communicate.
[18:58] And because of that, I would, again, shy away from it.
[19:02] And it may be perfect for other people.
[19:04] You may think, "I want somebody sarcastic because we can go back and forth and just knock each
[19:08] other down, and it really keeps things going." If that's you, great.
[19:13] So it's not me, and I understand this person who wrote, I understand her perspective as well.
[19:20] So if you see that and it's a red flag for you, that it probably is a red flag.
[19:25] Even if there's no ill will behind it.
[19:29] If you don't want to be with somebody who's sarcastic a lot, that's just a personal choice.
[19:35] You make that personal choice.
[19:37] And this is how it is.
[19:39] This is why we get into relationships, and we find out there are incompatibilities.
[19:45] It's not just the toilet seats up or down, or the toothpaste cap is off, or anything like that.
[19:51] I'm referencing things from, what, the 40s? I don't know. It's old things.
[19:55] And we used to talk about that stuff all the time, at least when I was growing up.
[20:00] But all these little nuances about each other that we don't understand until typically we live together.
[20:08] Like, we can date each other, and then we can move in together, and every time we reach another
[20:15] level of a relationship, we learn something new about the other person. "You leave your socks
[20:21] on the floor all the time?" "Yeah, what's the big deal?" That might be the case, and it might bother somebody.
[20:28] Which is why I'm a big fan of falling in love slowly, taking it slow and easy, and going several probably months.
[20:39] And then if you ever do move in together, try it out first.
[20:45] Before you move in, with my wife, I moved down from New Hampshire for a month and stayed with her.
[20:52] Stayed with her the whole month.
[20:54] And we got to know how we were living together.
[20:58] She got to know how I was, and I got to know how she was, and she said that there were no glitches.
[21:06] That was a great word.
[21:06] She said, "There were no glitches when you were here." So that made me feel comfortable.
[21:10] And so comfortable that eventually, when I moved down, I could move in with her, and she'd be okay with it.
[21:16] And she's been okay ever since. My words.
[21:21] That's not sarcasm, I don't think.
[21:24] But I do believe that she is fine with the way I am, and of course, I am fine with the way she is.
[21:31] So there's the answer to that question.
[21:33] I'm going to thank that person for writing.
[21:35] She did say, "I looked up the definition of sarcasm." I'll just read this real quick.
[21:40] She said, "The use of irony to mock or convey contempt." And she said, "There it is, that big C word, contempt.
[21:51] It's described as passive-aggressive contemptible barb." B-A-R-B. "It's hurtful and the opposite
[21:58] of creating genuine connection." And then she asked, "Why do some people glamorize the ability to use sarcasm?
[22:07] Why do men—" and she was looking at men's profiles—" proclaim with pride that they are sarcastic?"
[22:14] If I were to look at these profiles and make a guess, I'm going to, with bias, unfairly judge.
[22:26] I'm admitting ahead of time.
[22:28] I'm going to unfairly judge some men that they want to get away with hurtful comments because
[22:38] they want to be able to say things without actually saying them directly.
[22:43] Some men will do this.
[22:44] Some people, anyone can do this.
[22:48] Having it in a dating profile tells me perhaps that they've been on dates, and then when the
[22:54] sarcasm came out—"Nice dress, did you get it at the thrift store?
[22:59] Did you find it in the dumpster behind the thrift store?
[23:01] Hahaha, just kidding, it looks amazing"—that might not go over well, especially on a first date.
[23:11] Or if you just are that way, it may not go over well.
[23:16] Because some people actually appreciate honesty, transparency, directness, instead of sarcasm.
[23:23] And it could be the way somebody is wired.
[23:27] It could be their sense of humor.
[23:28] And they could possibly mean nothing by it, and it's no big deal to them, but it's a big deal
[23:34] to the person who might be sensitive to it or doesn't understand it.
[23:39] And like my wife, who's told me she can't even recognize sarcasm.
[23:43] She can't tell when someone's being sarcastic.
[23:46] And it's probably because she grew up in such sarcasm that who knows?
[23:52] I'm going to make a total guess, which is unfair to her, that her psyche has buried all these
[23:59] negative thoughts from certain members of her family over the years, and now that's how she thinks what sarcasm is.
[24:07] And so when she hears sarcasm, she doesn't get it in the sense that it sounds mean and hurtful
[24:14] to her, because that's the way she was brought up, is that indirect way of putting someone down. Total guess.
[24:23] I could be 100% wrong.
[24:25] She's called me out before.
[24:28] So I appreciate you listening.
[24:30] Thanks for tuning into another episode of The Overwhelmed Brain.
[24:34] If you need a show on how to navigate the difficult relationship, listen to my other podcast
[24:39] called Love and Abuse over at loveandabuse.com.
[24:42] And if you know you're the difficult one in the relationship, I am helping a lot of people heal
[24:47] over at healedbeing.com, where you can unlearn toxic behaviors and maybe even save a relationship,
[24:54] if that's what your goal is.
[24:56] Again, that's over at healedbeing.com.
[24:59] And with that, always keep your mind open, because, well, maybe you'll hear something sarcastic
[25:05] one day, and you might have to figure out if they're being mean or just being funny, and is
[25:09] it coming from a bad place, or do they really appreciate you and they feel like you can banter back and forth.
[25:19] But keeping your mind open is how you make the best decisions.
[25:22] And always be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
[25:28] Always take steps to grow and evolve.
[25:31] You are powerful beyond measure.
[25:34] And above all, and this is not sarcastic, this is 100% true, it's something I absolutely know
[25:41] to be true about you. You are amazing.

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