# When good enough is much less than you want to settle for

An episode of [The Overwhelmed Brain](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/743537890), 26 Apr 2026, 46 min.

Audio: https://verifi.podscribe.com/rss/p/dts.podtrac.com/redirect.mp3/prfx.byspotify.com/e/pscrb.fm/rss/p/traffic.libsyn.com/secure/theoverwhelmedbrain/662_-_When_good_enough_is_much_less_than_you_want_to_settle_for.mp3?dest-id=168817

Some people have a progress bar that stops when things are no longer uncomfortable. That can work for some people. But for others who want more out of life, it could present an incompatibility that's hard to get past.

## Transcript

[0:00] Welcome to the Overwhelmed Brain podcast, helping you navigate the difficulties in your life and relationships.
[0:06] These are my personal opinions.
[0:07] Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well-being.
[0:18] Welcome to another show. Where are we?
[0:20] We are in 2026, for those who aren't keeping track.
[0:25] I just think about when I started in 2013, back in November of 2013, I just started the blog, The Overwhelmed Brain.
[0:35] And then like a few weeks later, I started the podcast.
[0:39] And this will have nothing to do with today's episode, but I'm sharing it anyway because sometimes
[0:46] thinking about this just reminds me of where I have come from.
[0:51] And back then I was married.
[0:53] Back then I was working in a hospital and I was doing computer work and IT work and things like that.
[1:00] And six months after I started the show, my wife wanted a divorce and I quit my job.
[1:11] So a lot of things were happening at that time and it really pushed my resilience.
[1:20] And you might say, well, you quit your job. That's your fault. Yeah, for sure.
[1:24] But I quit my job to do this.
[1:26] I quit my job to follow this.
[1:29] I'm not going to say I am following my dreams or I'm following my passion.
[1:33] I just took a hell of a risk. I took a chance.
[1:37] I said, this is what I want to do.
[1:40] I want to make this work.
[1:44] And probably a good four years or maybe three years of doing the show, I was living off of savings.
[1:54] I was living with my mom because after the divorce, I moved and I moved in with her and she
[2:01] was very gracious and I helped her with some of the bills and other things.
[2:05] And it was very nice because I hadn't seen my mom in years and it was nice to get to know her
[2:10] again from this new place I was in life.
[2:15] And so I stayed with her for a good year and then I met Asha, my future wife, and I got to know her.
[2:24] And all this time, my savings was draining.
[2:29] I was just about I was just about broke.
[2:33] And soon after I moved to Georgia to be with Asha, I mean, that's a whole other story in itself.
[2:42] I told her, hey, you know, I'm going to move down there.
[2:44] We don't have to live together or anything.
[2:46] We can just see how it goes.
[2:48] We can date and see what happens.
[2:50] And so when I moved down, she said, it's going great. So I stayed.
[2:57] And after my savings was down for the last literally few, maybe thousand, a couple, $3,000,
[3:05] something like that, Asha said, you know, you got to get off your butt and do something.
[3:12] And I said, I am doing something, but I'm not making any money at it.
[3:15] So that's when I started doing one-on-one coaching and I started making products and I had to
[3:21] sustain what I was doing.
[3:22] So The Overwhelmed Brain started off basically with me getting a divorce and quitting my job
[3:29] and just going for it, having my runway because I saved money to do something like this.
[3:37] And then I spent most of that money, met Asha.
[3:42] She kicked me in the butt.
[3:43] It was great in the sense that you got to start doing something because you're going to run
[3:48] out of money and we're going to run out of money because you're living here now because I moved in with her.
[3:53] And I really think about that now.
[3:57] I think about those times where I started, what I did, and the chances I took to get where I
[4:04] am today and to build The Overwhelmed Brain as a blog, as a podcast, to become a behavior and
[4:11] relationship specialist and now having helped thousands of people with what they're going through,
[4:18] not only on the podcast, but through coaching and online courses and things like that.
[4:23] I am now sustainable so I can continue doing the podcast for you for free so that you don't
[4:31] have to pay to hear this stuff because that was my goal all along.
[4:35] I wanted to always keep this information flowing.
[4:40] I always wanted to make sure that I shared with you everything I know.
[4:45] I mean, if you listen to every episode, you will hear everything I know.
[4:50] And I don't hold back.
[4:52] I share things that I sell, quite honestly.
[4:55] It's just that what I sell is packaged.
[5:00] What I sell is packaged so that you don't have to search through 660, 70 episodes, 670 episodes
[5:09] right now of The Overwhelmed Brain and another 160-something episodes of Love and Abuse, my other podcast.
[5:17] I put it all together. I combined it.
[5:19] I sequenced it so it's in the right order.
[5:22] And that's how I sustain.
[5:25] That's how I continue to do what I do so that it pays for everything that I do, so that I can
[5:32] continue doing this for you.
[5:35] And I'm not saying, hey, you should be grateful.
[5:38] I'm saying that I'm just being nostalgic.
[5:41] I'm thinking about my roots.
[5:43] I mean, that's not where I literally started.
[5:46] I had a life before that too, before 2013.
[5:50] But this entire endeavor was based on one big step into a dark abyss.
[5:58] That is the risk I took because I quit a job that was paying me and that pay would have continued had I stayed.
[6:07] But I chose to pursue this.
[6:10] It felt like a calling.
[6:12] It felt like this is what I needed to do, but it was a roll of the dice.
[6:17] And some people might say, no, if it was your calling, it was meant to be.
[6:20] And all of this stuff happened because you pursued what you felt drawn to.
[6:28] And if they said that, I would say, well, hell yeah, that sounds great.
[6:32] I mean, if that's what happened, then I believe it because that's what it feels like.
[6:39] My practical mind says, no, it was a risk and I got lucky.
[6:43] I like having both trains of thought, quite honestly.
[6:47] It keeps me critically minded.
[6:50] It keeps me thinking along a path where I don't close my mind and say, well, no, it can't be that.
[6:57] So I only believe this.
[6:58] I really like to stay open to what's possible. I remember Dr.
[7:04] David Eagleman said, he actually made up the term possibilian.
[7:10] So there are people out there that now call that their belief system or I don't know if they
[7:16] call it a religion, but whatever it is, they call it possibilianism.
[7:22] And so I really appreciated that term because if you keep your mind open to what's possible,
[7:30] then what's possible will be open to you.
[7:33] That's kind of how I see things.
[7:35] And when you have an open mind, it's something that I talk about at the end of every episode.
[7:41] Keep your mind open so that you can create the life you want.
[7:45] I say something like that.
[7:46] I can't recall it right now.
[7:47] I have to do it at the end when the music's playing.
[7:50] But I say keep your mind open.
[7:52] That is like one of the most important steps in life, in my opinion.
[7:57] I believe that when you keep your mind open, you have more paths to explore.
[8:04] Instead of saying, no, this is what I believe and this is the path I'm going to take and no
[8:09] one can talk me out of it, slam, you shut the door on what is possible.
[8:15] That means that when possibility, when opportunity comes your way, the door is shut.
[8:21] It's not going to get through because you only have this one path, this one path of possibility.
[8:28] This doesn't mean I think you should not believe what you believe.
[8:32] It just means you can believe and be open to other beliefs.
[8:38] You can know 100% that this is true and still be open to being wrong about it.
[8:48] That has been a philosophy that I have lived by at least for 20 years or more.
[8:55] I mean, I have thought about this a lot, especially
[9:01] when I started healing from being an emotionally abusive person.
[9:05] Like when I discovered that I had these behaviors in me, my behaviors came from the staunch
[9:14] belief that I was 100% right about what I believed.
[9:20] I believed so-and-so, like a partner that I had at the time, I believed they should live by
[9:29] my standards and do what I think they should do. Yes, that was me.
[9:34] That was how I treated people that I was supposed to love and support and accept as they are.
[9:41] And I wasn't doing that.
[9:42] I believed that they should live as I wanted them to live and do what I wanted them to do because
[9:49] I believed my standards were the "right" or perfect standards.
[9:55] And so others should live up to those standards so that we can all be happy.
[10:03] I laugh about it now because it's ridiculous when I think about it.
[10:07] I chuckle about it even though it was hurtful and damaging back then.
[10:12] But now I look back and go, what an idiot.
[10:16] What an idiot for making up these rules and living by these rules and imposing these rules on
[10:24] others because they have their own life and their own beliefs and their own rules and they are
[10:31] autonomous, independent people that can do whatever they want.
[10:35] And here I come into their life and say, no, this is the way you should live.
[10:40] Who am I to say?
[10:43] After I started realizing that's what I was doing because you know when you do that for a long
[10:49] enough period of time, you lose relationships. They will leave.
[10:54] They do not want to be under your control.
[10:58] And when I lost enough relationships, I realized that I had a belief system that was, what's
[11:07] a good word, immutable, unchangeable.
[11:10] I had a belief system that was rock solid and 100% the way things should be.
[11:18] And I didn't move away from that.
[11:20] I mean, this is kind of revealing a timeline as well because I remember um I say 20 years I've had this belief system.
[11:27] I I had the belief that I am 100% right and open to being wrong about what I'm 100% right about
[11:36] for a good 20 years, but I didn't apply it to everything.
[11:40] I didn't apply it to relationships.
[11:41] So fast forward another seven years and that's when I started applying this belief system to my relationships.
[11:50] And so um as soon as I realized, you know as soon as I took responsibility for my role in every
[11:57] relationship failure that happened to me, I was able to finally take this philosophy, this uh
[12:06] concept of believing something 100% and being open to being wrong about that.
[12:12] Uh I was able to take that into my relationships and that's when things finally changed.
[12:19] So when my partner said something like, no, you said this and uh you were trying to be hurtful.
[12:28] And my automatic reaction was, no, I didn't say that and I wasn't trying to hurt you. That no longer happened.
[12:36] The argument or the conversation or whatever it would normally turn into didn't happen that way.
[12:44] Instead, I took a step back and told myself, she may be right about that.
[12:50] And I need to reflect on what she just said because I was so damn quick to jump on the, no, that's not true. I'm right.
[13:00] I was so quick to jump on the I'm right wagon because that's how I was wired all my life. No, that's not true. I'm right.
[13:11] And you got to listen to me.
[13:12] And my standards are the only standards that matter and they're the only ones that are right.
[13:17] So this is, I mean, that's who I was.
[13:20] And so to change from that hardwiring to something that um now is open to questioning what I
[13:31] believed 100% changed my life forever.
[13:37] So I started doing that a good two decades ago.
[13:40] And then when I applied it to my relationships and everywhere else in life that I continued
[13:45] to reflect upon, like other relationships and just my knowledge base in general in my brain,
[13:52] my life started to change for the better.
[13:54] Oh, I might I might be wrong about that.
[13:56] Let me think about that.
[13:58] And so I was no longer in a um closed-minded state in many areas of my life.
[14:05] And um as those areas opened, more opportunity opened.
[14:10] And I can't tell you how many opportunities come along just from opening my mind.
[14:17] That's why I think it's one of the most important things I say at the end of every episode. Keep your mind open.
[14:24] And by keeping your mind open, you allow beliefs to exist.
[14:30] And you can tell yourself, I 100% believe this to be true. You can say that.
[14:37] And you can say, and I'm open to being wrong about that.
[14:43] Can you hold those two concepts in mind at the same time?
[14:47] Because if you can, I believe you're more powerful than uh everyone else who can't.
[14:53] Because once you close that mind and those opportunities have no way in because you've closed
[14:59] those paths, you've closed those doors, it's my belief that you close yourself off to new opportunities.
[15:08] But I am open to being wrong about that belief because someone will write to me and say, that's not true.
[15:15] This is what I've believed and I had all these opportunities.
[15:18] Someone's going to say that. There are always exceptions.
[15:20] That's why I'm open to being wrong about that.
[15:34] When I started doing one-on-one coaching many years ago, I spent so much time on scheduling
[15:39] and billing and all the administrative work that happened before and after sessions.
[15:43] If I had a service like Simple Practice back then, I would have saved so much time and had way less stress.
[15:49] If you're a therapist, you know your work doesn't end when the session does.
[15:53] Imagine having a system to take care of all the before and after work that happens with each session.
[15:59] Simple Practice is designed to help therapists become much less overwhelmed at their job and
[16:04] clear their mind so they can put all their energy into helping their clients.
[16:08] Simple Practice is an all-in-one EHR that's HIPAA compliant, high trust certified, and built specifically for therapists.
[16:16] It brings all those things like scheduling and billing and insurance and client communication
[16:21] into one place so you're not juggling multiple systems.
[16:24] Automated appointment reminders help reduce no-shows and note templates make documentation faster
[16:29] so the business side of your practice feels lighter.
[16:32] And if you're just starting out or growing your practice, there's a credentialing service that
[16:36] takes the headache out of insurance enrollment.
[16:39] So if you're ready to simplify the business side of your practice, now is a great time to try Simple Practice.
[16:45] Start with a seven-day free trial and then get 50% off your first three months.
[16:50] Just go to simplepractice.com to claim the offer. Again, that's simplepractice.com.
[17:01] That's not what I'm really talking about today.
[17:02] I'm going to actually read you something that somebody sent me and I'm going to address that.
[17:07] This person wrote and said, "I've been a listener of your podcast for years and it's really
[17:11] helped me through the end of a toxic relationship.
[17:14] Your voice and insight grounded me during that time, so thank you." You are welcome.
[17:18] I'm so glad you're out of that.
[17:21] She goes on to say, "I'm reaching out because I'm going through something different now and
[17:24] I haven't found an episode that fully speaks to it.
[17:27] I recently ended a relationship that lasted a couple of years.
[17:30] He was kind and we had a real connection, but he never wanted to define the relationship despite me asking for clarity.
[17:39] Over time, the lack of commitment made me feel insecure and even reactive, even though there
[17:45] was really no clear toxicity.
[17:48] What's been hardest is that this doesn't feel like a typical unhealthy relationship, yet it
[17:54] still affected my emotional stability deeply.
[17:57] I also moved to another place.
[18:00] I won't mention it here for her privacy, and he was my main source of support here.
[18:05] So letting go feels like losing both a person and a sense of home.
[18:10] Could you consider doing an episode on situationships like this, especially involving avoidant
[18:17] dynamics and emotional connection without commitment?
[18:21] Thank you again for your work." All right.
[18:24] Thank you for sharing that.
[18:25] Thank you for your words.
[18:26] And I do remember doing an episode on, I think I called it Non-Committal People.
[18:33] It wasn't a very clever title, but I did talk about this at one time.
[18:39] And all you have to do is look through my 660 plus episodes and you'll find it.
[18:43] No, I will talk about it now.
[18:45] So some people will reach a what I might call a good enough plateau.
[18:52] Like everything is good enough.
[18:55] So why bother doing anything more? It's good enough.
[19:00] So once things get to a certain level, they feel it's good enough.
[19:04] It works for them and there's no more work to be needed.
[19:08] There's no more work toward anything beyond that because it's good enough.
[19:16] And since I've been pretty transparent in this episode, I'm going to tell you that's who I used to be.
[19:21] I would reach a good enough, I mean, actually in some ways I still am not like this person,
[19:27] but in some ways I reach a good enough place. Hey, things are fine.
[19:32] I have all my basics met.
[19:33] I'm in a good relationship. What else is there? It's good enough.
[19:38] So sometimes I feel that way. It's good enough.
[19:41] And I'm just going to continue strolling along like nothing else is needed.
[19:47] So I had to reflect on that in myself and realized it comes from being an away-from person.
[19:56] If you're not familiar with the concept, there are two motivation strategies that people are,
[20:02] two of probably more, but the main two motivation strategies are people that try to get away
[20:09] from things they don't want and people who try to move toward things they want.
[20:14] I was an away-from person.
[20:16] For example after I was completely broke, this was actually during my last marriage, we were completely broke.
[20:25] And we ended up living at her mom's little tiny 600 square foot apartment.
[20:31] And we had two animals and we had no money.
[20:34] We were going to the soup kitchen every morning and getting boxes of food from churches and things like that.
[20:40] And we were doing our best, but we both had zero dollars in our account.
[20:46] And when I finally got a job and got out of that situation, I told myself, I committed that
[20:54] I would never, ever be broke again, no matter what it took.
[20:59] I committed to never being broke.
[21:01] So I started making money at this job.
[21:04] And as I was moving away from being broke, there's a certain point that away-from people get
[21:12] to where it's good enough.
[21:16] So this is what I typically see in away-from people.
[21:20] They move away from something to the point where they are not near what they don't want.
[21:27] And so I was finally getting to the point where I was no longer near what I didn't want and
[21:33] I was comfortable because I was making a living.
[21:37] You know, I started traveling for business.
[21:39] I started going to the hospitals.
[21:42] That's when I found that hospital job and I ended up in a somewhat stable position there, but it was under contract.
[21:48] It was going to end and I have another story, but I'm not going to get into that.
[21:51] And I was going away from what I didn't want, which was being broke, having no money.
[21:57] And as I did that, I realized I had a comfort level.
[22:01] I found a comfort level.
[22:04] And so as I got away from what I didn't want, that comfort level drew me in and I felt as if
[22:12] I had accomplished my away-from goal.
[22:17] I will never be broke again. I've accomplished it.
[22:21] And now I don't have to do anything else because I've accomplished it.
[22:25] This is what happens to a lot of away-from people.
[22:27] They get away from what's uncomfortable.
[22:31] And when they get to a point of comfort, there's no need to go any further.
[22:35] So there are people like that in the world, which is what this person sounds like she's talking about.
[22:42] And I've met people like this.
[22:44] I had to get past it because I met someone in my life, my wife, who likes to go beyond that.
[22:53] She doesn't want to just be comfortable.
[22:55] She wants to do things.
[22:56] She wants to go out.
[22:57] She wants to watch music, a live event, go out to eat and, you know, all kinds of stuff, hang
[23:03] out with friends where me as the introvert is comfortable.
[23:08] But I've learned to expand my palette and really enjoy the things that she likes.
[23:15] And it it has expanded me as a person too.
[23:17] It has heightened my enjoyment in life.
[23:22] And so we go out together and we enjoy that stuff together.
[23:26] And I am now beyond that and more of a toward person now.
[23:31] That's what can happen is that you can meet someone who is a toward person, going toward the
[23:36] things that make them happy and more comfortable and give them pleasure in life.
[23:42] And so she has helped me become more of a toward person.
[23:45] I started becoming more of a toward person before we met, but that's really what solidified it, this relationship.
[23:52] And so now I continue moving forward.
[23:55] So there's no, I don't want to call it stagnation, but there is a like a rut feeling that one
[24:02] can get into, but some people are comfortable in the rut.
[24:06] And so this person who wrote, her partner, was probably very comfortable in the rut because
[24:14] he was far enough away from what he didn't want and very comfortable in what he had in his life
[24:21] in the moment that he felt no desire or motivation to move past that.
[24:27] And that will certainly show up as an incompatibility in the relationship.
[24:31] Because believe me, if I didn't do the stuff that Asha wanted me to do, this wouldn't work.
[24:38] She wants to go out.
[24:39] She wants to enjoy life with me.
[24:43] And she always motivates me to do things that are beyond my comfort zone.
[24:48] Well, not always, but sometimes.
[24:50] And she introduced me to foreign foods, Thai and Vietnamese and other foods that I just never
[25:00] wanted to try because I was happy eating American food.
[25:04] But once I tried those foods, it was very hard to go back. Indian, oh, delicious.
[25:10] So there's all kinds of food out there that I didn't even try because, well, what is it? I closed those doors.
[25:17] I didn't keep my mind open.
[25:19] And that was a part of it. So there you go.
[25:21] I applied that to that part of my life as well.
[25:24] And now I just like, I want to go eat those kinds of foods instead of hamburgers and chicken nuggets.
[25:31] And so my point is that some people are comfortable in the rut that they create because they
[25:37] are probably, and this is just a guess for this person who wrote, they are probably in a comfortable
[25:44] rut because they got away from what they didn't want and they're very comfortable with what they have now.
[25:50] And there's really a lack of motivation to do anything else.
[25:55] It's like if the fire's lit, you don't have to keep lighting it.
[25:59] That's what some people believe.
[26:01] It's like there's there's no more needed.
[26:05] The problem with that is that sometimes it's very selfish.
[26:09] I did not want to be selfish in my relationship.
[26:11] So I made sure to open that mind and try the things that she wanted to try.
[26:17] And I'm so glad I did.
[26:18] And when you're with somebody who doesn't want to do that and is comfortable where they are
[26:24] and isn't really willing to commit and do things beyond what already exists in the relationship,
[26:33] that incompatibility is going to show because if they're not willing to do things and the other
[26:37] person wants to, maybe they want to get married.
[26:40] Maybe they want to travel to another country or whatever.
[26:44] And the other person just doesn't.
[26:46] So it creates a strain on the relationship.
[26:50] And I can't imagine a relationship lasting too much longer when you have somebody that wants
[26:56] to move forward and another person who doesn't want to change at all.
[27:00] It's almost like they're saying, "Hey, I don't have what I don't want.
[27:04] So that makes me happy." If that makes sense, but it kind of does.
[27:10] I don't have what I don't want, which is good.
[27:13] And that makes me happy. So I'm comfortable.
[27:15] So apply that to a relationship.
[27:18] Somebody might say, "I'm not single.
[27:20] Therefore, I have what I want.
[27:23] And because of that, I don't have to work at the relationship anymore." Yikes, right?
[27:29] I mean, if you don't have to work at the relationship anymore and the other person feels like
[27:34] it's stagnant, there's a problem. There's the incompatibility. There's the strain.
[27:40] I don't have to work hard.
[27:41] I'm ready to relax and enjoy my relationship as is.
[27:45] I mean, that is what that is the thought process behind somebody whose motivation strategy is
[27:52] to be away from what they don't want.
[27:54] And they just get comfortable with things as is.
[27:57] And so the relationship itself is the replacement for being single.
[28:04] And once it's replaced, once it's replacing what they don't want, it's a comfortable place for them to be.
[28:11] And to them, there's no more reason to search any further for anything else.
[28:16] They have found their happy place.
[28:19] When their partner is probably like, "Yeah, but there's a million other things that we can do
[28:24] and probably should do as a couple.
[28:27] So we don't live in mediocrity." And if you think that somebody like this, someone who's comfortable
[28:34] with the relationship as is, if you think that takes out the passion of the relationship and
[28:40] the intensity and the energy of the relationship, you're right.
[28:46] Because if they're not contributing, they believe things are great as is.
[28:50] And the other person's trying to spice things up, the relationship becomes more of a boring
[28:57] drama, a series that you binge.
[29:01] And it's a, it's the same thing over and over again with slight variations.
[29:05] And it's not fun for a lot of people. Relationships, they need work. They need attention.
[29:11] They need extra thought and time so that they don't stay stagnant.
[29:16] It's not something like that you buy and then you hang on your wall and then you look at it
[29:22] on your wall and it stays there for decades collecting dust.
[29:27] Relationships need nurturing and variety.
[29:31] So to the person who wrote, "Yeah, you were with somebody who was comfortable with the as-is.
[29:36] That's how I see it." And I'm not saying there aren't other people that just don't want to commit.
[29:42] I mean, there's a whole nother segment of the population, and maybe he was this too, that they don't want to commit.
[29:49] They don't want to commit to anything because it means taking responsibility if things go wrong
[29:56] or if things don't work out as planned.
[29:59] So they can say, "Hey, well, it wasn't my fault.
[30:02] I'm not the one who wanted to go to Italy.
[30:05] That's why we lost our luggage.
[30:07] We wouldn't have lost our luggage had we not come to Italy.
[30:10] So this is really your fault." I'm being sarcastic, but that is what somebody like that would say. This isn't my fault.
[30:19] You're the one who wanted to do it.
[30:21] The people that don't want to take responsibility and don't want to make a commitment because
[30:26] they're happy with the as-is can also be the same people that don't want to take responsibility.
[30:32] Because if they make a commitment, that's a responsibility.
[30:35] If they make a decision saying, "I want to go here or I want to do this," and it doesn't work
[30:41] out, they don't want to have to face that, probably due to some insecurity in themselves, or
[30:48] they don't want to be any closer to that place they got away from in the first place.
[30:53] So if somebody is living in fear because they had a traumatic past or are just afraid of what
[31:00] might happen if XYZ comes true, that's living in fear and carrying insecurities going forward.
[31:07] So they don't like to make commitments because if they do and it goes badly or it doesn't go
[31:13] the way they're they're hoping it goes, they might get closer to that uncomfortable place of
[31:19] their fears and insecurities manifesting into something real that they can't handle.
[31:24] It's like an emotionality that hasn't matured yet.
[31:28] I used that term recently.
[31:29] I just want to use it again.
[31:32] Their personality, their emotionality hasn't matured yet.
[31:36] And someone's emotions, if they have not matured in an emotional way, so when something occurs,
[31:44] some challenge comes along, they don't know how to handle it, they might avoid it altogether.
[31:50] And even in seemingly benign circumstances, like, "Hey, we should go to this restaurant tomorrow."
[31:59] And the non-committal person says, "That sounds great." And that's where it ends. That sounds great.
[32:07] So the non-committal person's like, "Well, you know, if she wants to go or he, if he wants to
[32:12] go, then I'll go, I guess.
[32:13] But I'm not going to make the call.
[32:16] I'm not going to find out how far it is.
[32:18] I'm not going to find out what's on the menu.
[32:19] I'm not going to do any of that.
[32:21] It's easier just to be where I am.
[32:23] And if they want to do it, I mean, there's another symptom of this is laziness.
[32:29] They could be non-committal and lazy.
[32:32] Maybe they are hand in hand, but there's also that don't, they don't want to take responsibility aspect as well.
[32:39] And of course, the away-from stuff. So it's all combined.
[32:42] And I don't know if I'm really answering this person's question, but you know, they asked, "Could
[32:49] you consider doing an episode on situationships?" It's really the type of person that you need
[32:57] to assess when you are dating, if it's a romantic relationship or getting to know, just assess what they're doing. Keep your mind open.
[33:06] Like, maybe they are wonderful, loving people, but are they the type of person that likes to
[33:14] go outside the box, likes to travel, likes to, you know, do the things that you maybe you want to do?
[33:19] Like, if you like to travel or if you like to go try different restaurants, if they're not like
[33:24] that and they're almost in a, in a way like yeah, whatever, whatever you want to do, that's something to consider.
[33:33] If you are the type of person that likes to hike and they say, "Yeah, whatever, that sounds
[33:38] like fun, whatever, I don't care," which I would call somewhat incongruent.
[33:45] Like when you ask, "Well, do you like to hike?" and they say, "Well, yeah, it doesn't matter to me.
[33:49] I guess so." That's not really a fully congruent yes.
[33:55] So you have to keep that in mind and not fill in the gaps of what's not there.
[34:02] It's like a friend of mine we were on actually a night hike a few days ago, which I don't normally do ever.
[34:11] And our friend asked me, "So what do you think?
[34:14] How, how is this?" And I said, "It's all right." And you know, I was being a little passive,
[34:21] not passive-aggressive, but I wasn't being like honest in the sense of, "Well, I probably wouldn't
[34:26] do this again, but you know, I'm not having fun and I'm not having no fun." So it really was
[34:33] kind of, "It's an all right." But it did, it did highlight that it wasn't a fully congruent
[34:40] yes and certainly wasn't a fully congruent no.
[34:43] But I got the point across and we're probably going to go again.
[34:48] So we'll see what happens.
[34:50] But that's what I mean is that listen to what people say, how they say it, and don't interpret.
[34:57] I mean, what you hear is what they're saying.
[35:00] Yeah, it's all right, I guess.
[35:01] It reminds me of the police interrogations I like to watch because they're so, I mean, a police
[35:08] interrogation is nothing but lying.
[35:11] The perpetrator of the crime lies through their teeth the whole time.
[35:16] And then the investigators are so good at pulling out the truth, but it takes a long time.
[35:22] So they have to suffer through all these lies that the other person tells.
[35:27] And they have already, they already have all this evidence.
[35:30] They already know the answers to the questions they're asking.
[35:33] They just want to get the answer from the perpetrator of the crime and or alleged, the alleged perpetrator of the crime.
[35:41] But they pretty much know in most cases that this person did it, whatever it was.
[35:46] And so they will ask questions.
[35:48] And you can tell some of the answers they give are not the truth or just a complete lie.
[35:57] Like a good question might be, "Well, were you in that area?" And they might say, "Well, no,
[36:03] not really." That's the, that's not the whole truth. There's more there.
[36:07] They would either say, "No, I was nowhere near that area," or they would say, "Yes, I was."
[36:13] Why would you say, "No, not really?" So those are kind of the words that you listen for to realize
[36:20] somebody isn't really speaking the whole truth here.
[36:24] There's a lack of congruence.
[36:26] They're shaking their head, yes, but saying no or vice versa. And there's something off.
[36:33] So no, not really is probably something that you should be aware of and don't fill in the gaps.
[36:39] And to something like that, I would say, "Not really.
[36:42] What do you mean?" I would follow that up, which they usually do.
[36:46] But the police interrogations, like on YouTube and stuff, that's a great way to practice your lie detecting.
[36:53] And it, it is helpful.
[36:54] It is helpful in relationships.
[36:56] Not that somebody that you care about is actually lying, but it's helpful to find out if they
[37:03] are being fully congruent with their answers.
[37:08] Like, "Hey, you want to go out and eat some Thai food tonight?" And they say, "Yeah, that's
[37:13] fine." You can probably tell that that's not really fine, but they're willing to do it.
[37:19] You know, the underlying message is, "Yeah, I'll go." But it's not, "Oh, that sounds good.
[37:25] Let's do it." Now the one thing about that is when I hear that answer, if somebody says, "Yeah,
[37:32] that's fine," I'll say, "Great, let's go." Hahaha I'll know that maybe they don't mean it, but
[37:40] I like to train people, this is terrible, I like to train people that what they say is what
[37:47] I'll accept as truth so that they don't try to be passive-aggressive or beat around the bush
[37:54] and say things that they don't really mean.
[37:57] They'll start to learn that, "Oh, I better say a solid yes or no," instead of trying to convey
[38:03] a message a little bit passively so that I don't have to take responsibility for saying no or yes. All right.
[38:11] So I'm, I'm like that sometimes if somebody I know does that a lot, like, "Yeah, I guess I'll go.
[38:17] Yeah, whatever." I'll say, "Great, let's do it." And they will learn. Again, it's terrible.
[38:25] I'm training people, but I'm training people in a good way to just be honest.
[38:31] So if you say, "Yeah, I guess," I'm not going to sit there and interpret what you mean.
[38:37] I'm going to say, "Great, you said yeah, let's go." And then if they say, "Well, you know, let
[38:43] me think about it," I'll just retort with a, "But you said yeah.
[38:48] So what, what is it? What do you mean?
[38:50] Just be straight with me." And unfortunately, that doesn't happen very often at all.
[38:56] But when it does, I kind of have fun with it.
[39:00] It's kind of fun for me.
[39:01] But let me come back and just conclude with this person who wrote "This is your episode." She
[39:07] asked about an episode on situationships like this.
[39:10] The episode isn't necessarily about situationships. It is about people.
[39:17] And sometimes you just have to know what you're dealing with or who you're dealing with.
[39:22] This doesn't mean that everyone shows their cards right when you start to get to know them.
[39:27] Sometimes you do have to get to know them.
[39:30] Sometimes you do have to spend some time with them to figure out if they are the non-committal
[39:37] type, the one who doesn't want to take responsibility and figure out if that's who you want to be with.
[39:43] What often happens, especially in romantic relationships, is that the falling in love part occurs
[39:50] and it locks both people in, "I love you, you love me," and so on.
[39:55] And now you are together and love conquers all, quote, "love conquers all." And now you feel
[40:04] like you're in a committed relationship where you can both survive the challenges that come along.
[40:10] So when one person starts acting in a way that they weren't acting like before, well, we're
[40:16] already in love, so I guess I'm just going to move forward with this arrangement, this situationship,
[40:23] because I've already committed to it.
[40:26] So now you have one person committing to a relationship that the other person doesn't seem to
[40:33] be as committed, at least going in the forward direction that they showed up at, or they showed
[40:39] up like in the first place.
[40:41] And so now you have two people that are probably incompatible.
[40:45] So this is why I like, you know, falling in love slowly, getting to know someone day by day, step by step.
[40:52] Do we have aligned values?
[40:54] Do we have similar standards?
[40:57] Are we able to accept each other as is?
[41:01] Or does one person like to do this and the other person doesn't like to do it at all?
[41:04] And that creates an issue because the other person doesn't want to try that or the other person
[41:10] just isn't as much into variety.
[41:13] I mean, it can work.
[41:16] Asha and I, we work together. She's an extrovert. I'm an introvert.
[41:21] She's I mean, when I say we work together, we work as a couple.
[41:24] We work as in it's succeeding. She loves to talk.
[41:29] I love to sit quietly and listen. So that works. There's compatibility.
[41:34] The opposites happen to attract.
[41:37] And at the same time, I do have extrovert qualities.
[41:42] So I do have those qualities that create more compatibility.
[41:47] And if we are in a group of people and we're all talking, I can talk as much as she can.
[41:52] Well, no, that's probably not true.
[41:53] But I can talk quite a lot.
[41:56] And it does feel comfortable for me.
[42:00] And we get along great because there are enough compatibilities that make it great.
[42:06] When there are not, that's when we have to question if this is really going to work out because
[42:12] these are core level things that we're dealing with.
[42:15] If you're with somebody who doesn't like to commit, doesn't like to take responsibility, is
[42:19] lazy, doesn't like to go out, doesn't like to even pick the restaurant.
[42:24] I mean, if, I mean, and I'm not saying that those are bad qualities because somebody's going to like that.
[42:30] Somebody will be like, "Yeah, that sounds fine to me." But if that's not compatible with you,
[42:36] just be honest with yourself and even have a discussion about it.
[42:40] Hey, you like to do this.
[42:42] I like to do that.
[42:43] You don't like this, and I love it.
[42:46] Can we get along like this?
[42:49] Is this going to work, or is this going to create an issue for us?
[42:52] Or maybe this is creating an issue for us, so I want to talk about it.
[42:57] So it might be too late for this person because they broke up, but this is your episode on what
[43:03] you call situationship and what I'm going to call something else in the title.
[43:08] I'll get to that, but I appreciate you tuning in.
[43:11] Thank you for writing that.
[43:12] And I hope you got some value from this.
[43:15] Thanks for listening to another episode of The Overwhelmed Brain.
[43:19] I want to thank our patrons, Brad and Wei and Crystal and Shannon and Angel. Love you guys.
[43:24] Thank you so much for your support.
[43:27] I appreciate everything that you do and have done for some people for years. So thank you again.
[43:34] And if you want to support the show like these patrons do, head over to moreTOB.com, and there
[43:41] are options to do that over there.
[43:43] And for a show on how to navigate the difficult relationship, listen to my other podcast called
[43:48] Love and Abuse over at LoveandAbuse.com.
[43:51] And if you know you're the difficult one in the relationship, you know, like the person I used
[43:55] to be, if you have any control issues or you find yourself lying or manipulating or trying to
[44:02] change somebody into somebody they don't want to be, and you want to change that about yourself,
[44:08] head over to HealedBeing.com and start with the free lessons.
[44:12] Just sign up for the free lessons and you'll know if it's, if it's right for you right away.
[44:17] Again, that's over at HealedBeing.com.
[44:20] And with that, always keep your mind open.
[44:24] Yes, because that's how you make the best decisions.
[44:28] Be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
[44:33] Always take steps to grow and evolve.
[44:36] You are powerful beyond measure.
[44:39] And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you, you are amazing.

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