# Are you living your life on a foundation of fears and insecurities?

An episode of [The Overwhelmed Brain](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/743537890), 30 Aug 2026, 41 min.

Audio: https://verifi.podscribe.com/rss/p/dts.podtrac.com/redirect.mp3/prfx.byspotify.com/e/pscrb.fm/rss/p/traffic.libsyn.com/secure/theoverwhelmedbrain/680_-_Are_you_living_your_life_on_a_foundation_of_fears_and_insecurities.mp3?dest-id=168817

Sometimes what drives our decisions isn't necessarily what has our best interests in mind. Old survival mechanisms can be running the show, steering us into unfavorable outcomes without us even realizing it. Better outcomes require learning what exactly is driving our behaviors at the deepest level.

## Transcript

[0:00] Welcome to the Overwhelmed Brain podcast, helping you navigate the difficulties in your life and relationships.
[0:06] These are my personal opinions; always seek a professional when you're making choices about
[0:10] your mental health and well-being.
[0:16] Welcome to the show. My name is Paul, in case you've never heard me before.
[0:21] If you are a regular listener, welcome back.
[0:24] If you are a new listener, I have a lot of years behind me.
[0:30] I have a lot of shows, a lot of episodes that I've recorded.
[0:34] And if you like what you hear, check out the library of episodes over at theoverwhelmedbrain.com.
[0:40] I also have another podcast, in case you don't know.
[0:42] It's called Love and Abuse.
[0:44] That's the website, Love and Abuse, over at Love and Abuse.com, and that is about dealing with a difficult relationship.
[0:52] So if you are working on trying to figure out why your relationship is so difficult, head over
[0:59] there and I'll be able to help you out over there.
[1:02] Sometimes we do things that are just hurtful, toxic, abusive, or sometimes other people do those things to us.
[1:12] And coincidentally, I'm going to be talking about what causes people to be hurtful or toxic,
[1:19] or, and/or not make the decisions that are right for them.
[1:25] Sometimes we don't make decisions that are right for us, and we can hurt ourselves.
[1:31] We might stay in a bad situation for too long.
[1:34] We might not try to, try to do that thing because we feel it's too risky, but the risk might
[1:44] just be thinking that somebody might think we're stupid, something like that.
[1:50] And that's not really much of a risk, but it could be.
[1:53] It could be to certain people.
[1:56] The way I see it now, because I actually talked about embarrassment in an episode many years
[2:01] back, the way I see it now is if I do something embarrassing, I don't care.
[2:11] I guess it depends on how embarrassing it is, but for the most part, you know, you go through
[2:16] life and you mess up and you trip over a curb and you knock something over, and more.
[2:23] There's all kinds of things that we do in life, and eventually you get to the point where you
[2:28] realize that everyone does it. Everyone does something embarrassing.
[2:34] And when people see you do it—this is how I think—they say something like, "Oh God, I'm glad
[2:41] that didn't happen to me," or, "That poor person," or maybe they laugh.
[2:46] But no matter what, it will eventually happen to them.
[2:50] Something embarrassing will eventually happen.
[2:52] And the older I've gotten, the more I've realized that embarrassing things will happen, and
[2:57] that's just a part of life.
[2:59] And the more I see people do things that others might find funny or embarrassing, the more I
[3:06] am humble about it and remember what it feels like. "Oh, that's really terrible." And if they
[3:14] trip and fall and everyone's laughing, I'll go over and help them up.
[3:17] But it's hard to do when maybe when you're younger, or maybe when you have self-esteem issues
[3:23] and you're going through life and you're afraid to do things, or afraid to be exposed to different people's perceptions.
[3:32] You don't want to be judged.
[3:35] And so you might develop anxiety, or you might have these fearful moments or insecurities.
[3:39] And that's what I'm here to talk about today, is the fears and insecurities that we can have
[3:46] in our life, and it'll stop us from doing the things that maybe we need to do for ourselves,
[3:51] or making the right decisions for ourselves, all because we have a fear or two or a hundred.
[3:59] We might want to ask that person on a date, but we decide not to because we fear rejection.
[4:08] We might be in a relationship with somebody and we fear them talking to somebody else that might
[4:14] be more attractive, or they might be more attracted to because of the way they look, the way
[4:19] they act, their intelligence, how much money they have, whatever.
[4:23] So we might get jealous.
[4:25] And so if we're jealous, what are we going to do?
[4:29] When we're jealous, we're going to make sure we're checking in on them, and they're going to
[4:33] check in with us, and we're going to hover a lot around them and find out who they're with,
[4:38] and it's going to cause problems.
[4:41] It's going to be disruptive to a relationship.
[4:45] And so I don't know if you know this, if you've been listening a while, but I put all my episodes
[4:51] into a chatbot so that I could inquire with my episodes and ask it questions, like the most
[4:59] common things I talk about, or a subject matter that I don't talk about enough, or looking for
[5:05] a particular episode that I talked about a certain subject matter.
[5:11] Just so you know, I don't create my episodes with AI. This is all natural.
[5:19] This is me in the flesh, and it will always be me talking.
[5:23] Unless I lose my voice, then I'll find a different way.
[5:26] But I'm just saying this because a lot of people are in the realm of AI, asking chatbots and
[5:33] talking to chatbots and searching for things, and AI brings up the answers.
[5:38] And some people are actually creating AI videos and AI podcasts.
[5:42] And I'm leaning into the human aspect of creating material, creating content.
[5:51] And I would rather be there, because I have a feeling what's going to happen, and we're already
[5:56] seeing it, maybe, is that AI takes us away from the human connection.
[6:02] Don't get me wrong, I use AI every day. It's my spell checker. It's my transcript organizer.
[6:09] I can search my transcripts.
[6:11] I can ask questions that I don't know the answers to.
[6:14] I use it all the time, but I never want it to replace me.
[6:19] There's only one place I use AI that sort of replaces me.
[6:24] In my Healed Being program, that's the program I run for emotionally abusive people who want
[6:28] to change, I wrote all the material my own hand.
[6:34] I wrote it with my own hand.
[6:35] But there was over 500,000 words when you get to the end of all the lessons, and I realized
[6:43] I want an audio of all these, but I don't want to record all that audio.
[6:48] It takes a long time.
[6:50] So I decided to clone my voice and have the audios of that as sort of an extra in the program.
[6:56] So I don't sell it as an audio program, but it's available in audio format in case anyone wants to listen to it.
[7:03] So that's the only place that I've added AI.
[7:07] And I'm sharing this because I really appreciate AI, and I also don't appreciate how AI replaces a human.
[7:18] I'm not talking about job loss.
[7:19] I'm talking about just connection, just connecting with another person.
[7:25] So I'm leaning into human-to-human connections more.
[7:30] It's not that I wasn't that before, but with AI kind of dominating the world right now, I'm
[7:39] sharing with you that this is where I want to stay, the human-to-human connection.
[7:44] So I hope that resonates with you and you want to keep hearing me talk and not, "This is Paul.
[7:53] I am an AI clone of Paul." I hope that's where we are in this podcasting journey that I've been
[8:00] on for 13 years and going on another how many years. We'll see.
[8:05] But this is where I am with you.
[8:07] So let me get to the subject matter, which is the fears and insecurities that many, many of
[8:14] us have developed over the years, typically in childhood.
[8:18] Probably 99% of us have developed some kind of fear or insecurity in childhood.
[8:25] And that has prevented us from making the decisions that are right for us sometimes.
[8:31] It has prevented us from taking steps that we need to take.
[8:34] And it has also created toxic behaviors.
[8:38] So this may or may not be you, but a lot of emotionally abusive behaviors come from fear and insecurity.
[8:46] I used to be afraid that I wouldn't be attracted to my partner, so I would be critical and judgmental.
[8:54] That's who I used to be.
[8:55] And those were fears and insecurities driving my behaviors, driving the toxicity in the relationship.
[9:04] And so I had to figure out what I was doing when I started realizing that I was the common denominator
[9:11] for all my relationship failures.
[9:13] I had to figure out what I was doing to cause that.
[9:15] And then I came to the conclusion that my fears and insecurities were basically driving the bus.
[9:23] It's a term I used, I learned a long time ago.
[9:26] It's when something else is in charge and you're not.
[9:30] So I'm in charge of my life.
[9:33] I'm in charge of my behaviors.
[9:34] But for some reason, there are times that something else takes over my fears and insecurities.
[9:42] Some people may call it their inner child, their fearful inner child that is afraid of the world,
[9:48] so it is going to make decisions based on its fear.
[9:52] And so who's driving your bus is the question I ask a lot.
[9:58] Sometimes when I'm one-on-one with people, I'll say, "You know what?
[10:01] You're not driving your bus.
[10:03] You're not being the adult.
[10:05] Who's making the decision in that moment?
[10:07] Who is it?" And then we'll come to the conclusion, "Oh yeah, well, when I was 6, I was afraid
[10:13] to make those kinds of decisions because it always led to something bad.
[10:18] So I stopped doing it." Or, "I was not allowed to cry in front of my dad or something, so I
[10:24] stopped doing it, and now I am disconnected from my emotions." Or, "I was afraid to act in any
[10:31] way rebellious or in any way in opposition of my stepfather, because if I did, it might elicit
[10:41] his behaviors when he was drunk, and I didn't want to deal with that, so I learned to become
[10:46] a people pleaser." So the insecurities created these dysfunctions. That's what happens, right?
[10:53] We have these fears and insecurities which create dysfunctions, which cause us to make decisions
[10:57] that aren't right for us or keep us in the same place that we don't want to be, or become toxic,
[11:04] become emotionally abusive, or just do things in a way that are dysfunctional.
[11:10] Fears and insecurities lead to dysfunctions which are expressed in behaviors.
[11:16] So all that said, I asked the chatbot that I use for all my transcripts, I asked, "What are
[11:25] all the fears and insecurities that I've talked about?" I said, "Not my personal ones, because
[11:30] I've talked about those a lot, but all the insecurities that I've talked about in all my training
[11:36] and my transcripts." And it said, "Okay, here is what I found," and it categorized what it found:
[11:44] physical and body image insecurities, relationship and social insecurities, personal adequacy
[11:51] insecurities, emotional vulnerability insecurities, and social professional insecurities.
[11:57] I'm just going to read these, though.
[11:58] So the categories, like this one, physical body image insecurities, I'll go by category.
[12:05] One is like nose size.
[12:06] One is weight, being too fat or too skinny.
[12:09] One is height, being too short or too tall.
[12:11] Something about teeth, something about facial marks or features, or other general physical appearances and attractiveness.
[12:20] And body changes with aging, like liver spots and hair loss and weight gain.
[12:25] I can relate to almost all of these because I've had these fears and insecurities, and I bet
[12:32] a lot of people listening have had these as well or have them now.
[12:36] But these are parts of us.
[12:39] These are what we're made of.
[12:41] Imagine if somebody said, "I don't like the color of your eyes," and you could do nothing about it.
[12:50] You can't do anything about the color of your eyes, unless you go to extremes.
[12:55] We're not going to go there.
[12:56] But you can't do anything about the color of your eyes.
[12:59] And let's just say you had a fear or insecurity about that, and you just wanted to cover your
[13:05] eyes all the time because you were afraid of being judged. Your life changes.
[13:10] You live by that fear.
[13:12] You make decisions based on that fear.
[13:16] And every decision you make and all the behaviors have that seed of insecurity in them.
[13:24] And so when you are making decisions that make sure that your eyes aren't exposed, because you
[13:31] don't want that color to be shown to anyone, your life changes.
[13:36] And it's not always for the better.
[13:38] And of course, eye color is a very benign thing, unusual thing to have a fear or insecurity about.
[13:46] I'm sure somebody out there does have that.
[13:48] But the point is, someone pointed out something in you, and now you are living your life based
[13:55] on what they pointed out.
[13:56] Or maybe 10 people, a whole family pointed out something in you, or many things in you, and
[14:03] now you're living your life based on these fears and insecurities that were created by someone
[14:09] else because you weren't born with them.
[14:12] You're not born worried about the way your body looks and the way your teeth look.
[14:18] And you're not born with any of that until someone points it out, or that someone could be you.
[14:25] You compare yourself to others, and it creates a fear or insecurity.
[14:31] They're kind of the same thing, fears and insecurities.
[14:33] I'll just call them insecurities from this point on.
[14:35] It creates an insecurity in you that you are now self-conscious of, and you are going through
[14:43] life filtering everything through this new or these new insecurities.
[14:49] They start off when you're a child, typically, and then they move on throughout your life.
[14:56] And so that's one category, the physical and body image insecurities.
[15:00] The next category is the relationship social insecurities.
[15:04] And these are just from my teachings.
[15:06] There's a lot more out there, I'm sure, but this is what I've talked about over the years.
[15:10] Jealousy in romantic relationships, like fear of your partner being interested in someone else,
[15:17] feeling like you have to compete with other people that you're jealous of.
[15:22] Another relationship issue is fear of abandonment or being left alone, not being good enough
[15:27] for a partner, which kind of rides in the same boat as jealousy. Insecurity about being loved.
[15:34] And there's all kinds of things. The fear of rejection.
[15:38] I don't know why I didn't say that, but that's another thing I've talked about.
[15:41] And these relationship and social insecurities, again, cause you to make decisions that may
[15:48] not be the best for you.
[15:50] Because imagine if you had a fear of abandonment and that caused you to do toxic behaviors like being really possessive.
[16:00] And we'll just name jealousy. We already did. Jealousy.
[16:04] If you are doing these behaviors, these dysfunctional behaviors, they will push others away.
[16:11] So if you have this insecurity, and that insecurity is, quote, "driving the bus," then what
[16:18] outcome are you going to get?
[16:21] Most people listening know the answer to this.
[16:24] If you are super jealous about somebody in your life, you're only going to push them away.
[16:30] And in fact, if you're jealous of a person that is their friend and you keep saying, "I want
[16:38] you to see that friend less.
[16:39] I want you to talk to them less.
[16:41] I don't want you to text them.
[16:43] I don't want you to email them," if you're doing all that, you're not going to be the one that
[16:48] they are comfortable being around. They are.
[16:51] You are literally pushing them into that person's life.
[16:57] I hope that's not you.
[16:59] I'm just laying out an example here because I've been there.
[17:03] The people that I didn't want my previous partners to talk to, if I made that clear, "I don't
[17:10] want you to see that person anymore." I don't think I've ever said that, but I acted in ways
[17:14] that intimated that, for sure. "I don't want that person in your life anymore.
[17:20] Guess where she wants to go, because that person's going to support her.
[17:24] That person's going to say, 'Hey, if your boyfriend's giving you trouble, just talk to me. I'm open.
[17:30] I'm a safe person to talk to.'" And of course, that's what's going to happen.
[17:35] She's going to talk to them.
[17:37] Jealousy always pushes someone away.
[17:40] So that insecurity was driving my bus for a while.
[17:44] Let's hope these insecurities aren't driving yours.
[17:47] Let's go to the next one, personal adequacy insecurities.
[17:51] Not being good enough, not being smart enough, fear of being judged by others, fear of appearing
[17:57] weak, fear of this is an interesting one, fear of eliciting pity.
[18:02] I didn't know that was an insecurity, but I guess you don't want people to feel sorry for you. I guess that is.
[18:09] I don't remember talking about that. Maybe I did.
[18:12] Insecurity about professional abilities, work performance, how you show up at work, fear of
[18:18] not being the best at something. Talk about perfectionists.
[18:23] I know there are people listening right now that can relate to that. Anxiety about making mistakes. Got it.
[18:30] These are absolutely more prevalent, I think, in our society, in our relationships.
[18:36] Not being good enough, not being smart enough.
[18:39] I can relate to many of these, for sure.
[18:42] The next one is emotional and vulnerability insecurities, fear of exposing vulnerabilities,
[18:48] weaknesses, and flaws to those closest to you.
[18:51] Yeah, these are relationship ones too.
[18:53] Fear of showing the vulnerable side that contains fears and weaknesses and insecurities.
[18:59] You're insecure about your insecurity showing. Embarrassment and shame. We mentioned that earlier.
[19:05] Fear of being seen in a negative way.
[19:08] Insecurity stemming from past trauma, sexual and emotional abuse.
[19:13] So these are pretty deep.
[19:16] Some of these are very deep.
[19:17] Some of these are very deep.
[19:19] And if you have these leading the way, causing you to make the decisions that you are making,
[19:26] then, of course, your life goes in the direction that is always trying to get away from what you fear.
[19:35] And that's not always the best.
[19:37] It's not always the best result. It may feel safe.
[19:41] You may believe that it's the best direction to take, but it isn't always.
[19:45] At least if you're trying to find fulfillment and happiness and peace.
[19:50] And yes, there are times where you're supposed to try to get away from what you fear because
[19:56] what you fear is actually dangerous. Sometimes that's true.
[19:59] But I just want to kind of make sure that you're not doing things based on a fear that isn't
[20:08] necessarily manifested, like a fear that's not necessarily true anymore.
[20:15] For example, I used to fear confrontation, and it took me, I don't know, 25 years to really understand what that meant.
[20:26] What do I actually fear?
[20:28] I think that was my question.
[20:29] What am I actually afraid of?
[20:31] Well, I'm afraid if I talk to that person or I tell them how I feel, they're going to yell at me.
[20:36] And then I have to ask myself some drill-down questions like, "Yeah, but how is that a problem
[20:41] if they yell at you?" Well, I don't like yelling. Okay.
[20:45] But how is it a problem that they yell at you?
[20:47] I know you don't like it, but how is it a problem?
[20:51] Well, they might get mad at me. Okay.
[20:53] Well, how is that a problem?
[20:54] If they get mad at you, why is that a big deal?
[20:57] Well, if they get mad at me, they won't like me. Okay.
[21:00] So now we're diving into a separate insecurity.
[21:05] If you have a fear of not being liked, that's different than a fear of being yelled at.
[21:09] But I understand how one could lead to the other.
[21:13] So if you're not liked, this is me drilling down even more.
[21:16] If you're not liked, how is that a problem?
[21:19] Well, if I'm not liked, then they may kick me out. They may dump me. They may fire me. Okay.
[21:24] So if they fire you, how is that a big deal?
[21:28] You see how I'm drilling down and drilling down?
[21:30] I'm not giving myself a break.
[21:31] I'm not saying, "Well, everybody would feel bad about that." Or I'm not actually saying this
[21:37] to myself as I'm questioning myself.
[21:39] I'm not saying, "Well, everyone would feel that way, so I understand." I'm not giving myself a break.
[21:45] I'm pushing myself to the limit with these questions. Okay. You get dumped.
[21:50] How is that a big deal?
[21:52] How is that a big deal?
[21:53] I would be very sad. Okay. You're sad.
[21:55] How is that a big deal?
[21:56] What's so bad about that?
[21:58] Well, I don't want to be sad. Okay.
[21:59] You don't want to be sad.
[22:00] How is that a big deal?
[22:02] Why don't you want to be sad?
[22:03] What's the problem about being sad?
[22:07] Again, not giving myself a break.
[22:09] I call these stupid questions that lead to healing because they are.
[22:14] They're stupid, but they're also very revealing. What do you mean?
[22:20] If somebody dumps me, I'm going to be sad. That's a stupid question. Yeah.
[22:23] But how is it a problem if you're sad?
[22:26] Well, I don't want to be sad.
[22:28] Well, how is it a problem if you're sad?
[22:31] Well, if I'm sad, I'll feel bad.
[22:33] How is it a problem if you feel bad?
[22:35] I'm not saying there's a right answer to this drill-down questioning process. I'm saying it's reflective.
[22:42] It helps you understand true, deep, core reasons that you have these thoughts and feelings.
[22:52] And when you understand the core beneath all the reasons or excuses or everything that you have
[23:01] put at the surface level, like everyone would feel sad if they got dumped, then you get underneath
[23:08] that, then you'll understand why you feel sad.
[23:11] You'll understand why you get angry, why you are worried about getting fired and worried about
[23:16] being homeless and worried about having no money and worried about being alone on the earth
[23:21] with no partner and worried about dying.
[23:23] And all of this stuff has more questions underneath, all of it.
[23:29] Because there's a point where you will finally figure out what's really driving all your decision-making
[23:38] and keeping you where you are and putting you in situations that you don't want to be in and all that.
[23:45] And when you discover what the core reasons are, you can finally tell yourself, "I don't want
[23:52] that to run my life anymore.
[23:55] I don't want that to drive the bus.
[23:57] I don't want my decisions to be based on fear and insecurity.
[24:01] I want to make decisions that are right for me because I feel good about going in that direction."
[24:07] Like when my stepfather shows up at my mom's house one day, he's no longer alive, so this is
[24:13] very, very much in the past story.
[24:16] And he wasn't allowed to be there, and I had never confronted him and said, "No, you're not
[24:20] allowed to be here." When he showed up that day, I wanted to move forward.
[24:26] If you don't know the story, he showed up after their divorce, and he wasn't allowed back, and
[24:31] she didn't want to see him, and I was always afraid of him.
[24:34] He showed up one day.
[24:35] He knocked on the door. I saw him.
[24:36] I was like, "Oh, crap.
[24:38] Here we go." And then I remembered what I teach, which is boundaries and standing up for yourself and all that.
[24:45] And I decided, "All right, today's the day.
[24:48] Today's the day I'm going to say you're not welcome here." And that's exactly what I did.
[24:52] And I expected him to punch me or push me or something, and he didn't. And he left.
[24:59] And I was in shock because it was the first time I confronted him.
[25:05] It was the first time I gave him an answer he didn't want.
[25:10] Or at least that was my belief.
[25:12] And I'm sure he didn't want that answer, but I believed something bad would happen if I defied him.
[25:18] And that day I defied him, and I chose to take what I call the proverbial punch.
[25:24] I asked myself the question, which I asked on this show many times.
[25:28] What would I do or say if I had absolutely no fear of the consequences?
[25:32] And in that moment, the answer was I would tell him to buzz off.
[25:38] So politely, I said, "You're not welcome here." And he just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Okay," and left.
[25:45] I was in shock, like I said, because I really expected something much more severe.
[25:53] I expected a physical altercation, and it didn't come.
[25:58] And it reminded me that, "Oh, who's been driving the bus this whole time?
[26:03] It's my scared little inner child who was always afraid of him.
[26:07] And I guess he's grown up now.
[26:11] I guess he's letting me drive as the adult who can take over and say, 'I got this. Don't worry.
[26:19] You just go sit down.
[26:21] I will take care of this.' And I'll drive the bus." So that's what I did that day.
[26:27] I took the wheel, and I drove away, and I was a different person.
[26:33] I felt like a grown-up that day. So he shows up. I confront him.
[26:39] I do or say whatever I wanted to do or say, regardless of the consequences.
[26:44] And I found out that the consequences I expected weren't reality.
[26:50] This won't always happen, but I took the chance that day.
[26:54] I took the risk because I did not want fear to run my life anymore.
[27:00] And it changed my life.
[27:02] I realized that most of the things I was afraid of happening weren't going to happen.
[27:09] And I still test things like that to this day.
[27:13] I'm still okay honoring my boundaries around people.
[27:17] Even if I have some sort of fear, it doesn't mean I want to do this to certain people with violent
[27:24] tendencies that I thought my stepfather had.
[27:28] If they're a stranger, that might be different.
[27:30] If they're robbing the bank, I'm in. That might be different.
[27:34] But in general, I'm okay just standing up for myself.
[27:38] And I'm even okay saying no to people who expect me to say yes because I've grown.
[27:45] I've gone beyond my insecurities and my fear of confrontation and my dysfunctional people pleasing.
[27:52] And when you do this, when you change your approach and you start doing things that are true
[27:57] to you by answering the question, which question is that?
[28:02] If I had absolutely no fear of the consequences, what would I do or say then?
[28:05] And once you answer that and you go forward from that place, you're a different person.
[28:12] And again, you might get fired. You might get dumped. You might get punched. There are risks.
[28:19] And we have to weigh those risks carefully, of course.
[28:23] But sometimes they're just false beliefs.
[28:27] I believe my stepfather's going to punch me, so I won't say anything. That's a false belief.
[28:31] But what if it is true, Paul?
[28:33] Well, then for me, I decided to take the punch because I was done being fearful around him.
[28:41] Sometimes you just have to be done. I'm done. I'm done doing that.
[28:44] I'm done making these decisions based on these fears.
[28:47] I'm done making the decisions that aren't working for me anymore because I'm getting the outcomes
[28:53] that I don't like or I don't want.
[28:56] And sometimes you just have to get to that point.
[28:58] Sometimes it takes getting to that point to make sure that the adult you takes over.
[29:05] So the fearful inner child that might be in there, not talking to everyone, but to those who
[29:11] can relate, if that fearful inner child is making decisions, is keeping you in a place that
[29:16] you don't want to be.
[29:17] If that is causing you to get the outcome that you don't want, it might be time to say, "I'm done with that.
[29:26] I'm done doing that," and then make a different decision.
[29:30] So I didn't get to the last one, which is social and professional insecurities.
[29:35] Being respected and liked by coworkers, by bosses, by clients, whatever you're dealing with,
[29:43] appearing narcissistic or having a big ego.
[29:46] Some people are afraid of appearing that way.
[29:49] Being seen as intimidating to others.
[29:53] I don't know too many people who are afraid of being seen as intimidating, but I'm sure that
[29:57] is prevalent out there as well. And general self-consciousness.
[30:01] That doesn't even make sense.
[30:02] I don't know why that's at the end.
[30:05] This whole thing is about self-consciousness.
[30:07] That shouldn't be the last item on this list.
[30:09] But the rest of it does apply.
[30:11] And it's all about being self-conscious about something because that's what our insecurities do.
[30:17] They make us self-conscious about something about ourselves.
[30:22] So I'm sharing all of these.
[30:26] And I'm talking about who's driving the bus.
[30:29] For the point that I'm trying to make, which is there's a part of you that could be afraid,
[30:39] could have an insecurity, could be doing a dysfunction based on that insecurity that might need to change.
[30:48] And the question might be, "How do I change that?
[30:51] How do I get past the fear?" You will not like my answer.
[30:57] My answer is to face the fear and make it happen.
[31:01] Again, not with violent people, not without the risk that you're willing to take.
[31:09] So let me give you a good example.
[31:12] I've talked about this before, so I apologize if this is repeat information to you.
[31:16] But I was at a job once, and I had two bosses, and both bosses were really knocking down this one employee, my coworker.
[31:29] He deserved it, but I found out later he deserved it.
[31:34] But at the time, my coworker wasn't there to defend himself.
[31:38] And I said, "You know what?" And this is the first time I have ever confronted them.
[31:44] And I was always afraid of getting fired, so I never spoke up to my bosses.
[31:49] And I said, "You know what?
[31:50] He's not here to defend himself.
[31:52] And by you saying all this stuff about him and saying how terrible he is, that is just unfair."
[32:00] And they both looked at me, and I expected this is my old belief system.
[32:06] I expected them to say, "Well, you're fired.
[32:08] We don't want to hear that kind of crap." I expected that.
[32:11] But instead, I got the opposite.
[32:13] They said, "This is exactly what we need to hear.
[32:15] We're not here enough, and we need to hear from you and from others how he's performing and
[32:21] what he's doing." And so they looked to me for information, for guidance, through something
[32:29] that they couldn't figure out. They couldn't put together.
[32:33] They couldn't piece it together.
[32:34] Here I thought they were just badmouthing him and they didn't like him.
[32:37] But it turned out they were just trying to figure out how to make the company work better and more efficiently.
[32:44] And so I had never confronted my bosses before and never offered my thoughts or my opinions
[32:51] on anything because I thought that would be inappropriate because they were the boss, so on and so on.
[32:57] So I had this fear, and it was a false belief that offering my opinion would get me fired.
[33:03] But that's what kept me making decisions from this place of fear.
[33:07] So I never did offer my opinions until that moment.
[33:10] And then they said, "Wow, that's exactly what we need to hear.
[33:13] Thank you for sharing that.
[33:14] Let's talk about this more." Suddenly, I was part of the team.
[33:19] And then I got a raise, and I got a promotion, and then all kinds of stuff, good stuff, came out of that.
[33:24] And I thought, "I've been holding myself back for a good 20 years.
[33:30] All this time, I've been holding myself back from the different jobs I've had over the years
[33:36] by not speaking up and just allowing things to be and accepting things as they are." And when
[33:41] something is bad, I would quit instead of saying something like, "Hey, this is bad.
[33:46] We need to fix it." Wow.
[33:49] My life could have been so different.
[33:51] I could have been making more money.
[33:54] I could have been in different positions.
[33:56] I'm sure that I would have been in a different place.
[33:59] And maybe I wouldn't even be here because I would have taken care of all my dysfunctions. Probably not.
[34:05] I'm sure I would have ended up here.
[34:08] So that changed my life.
[34:10] That day changed my life.
[34:12] I decided to face my fear by doing what I was afraid of. I just did it.
[34:18] And then I sat and waited for the consequences that I believed would happen. Because why?
[34:25] Why would I risk knowing that I would get fired? That was my belief.
[34:29] I knew I was going to get fired because something inside me was more important: my integrity,
[34:34] my character, the integrity of my coworker that day.
[34:40] Something struck me that day that being fired was less important than being honest.
[34:48] Being fired was less important than standing up for somebody else.
[34:52] That's what hit me that day.
[34:55] And I realized that day, and maybe age had something to do with this as well because I was in my mid-30s, I think.
[35:01] I realized that day that no job is worth being in when you can't speak up, when you can't be
[35:10] honest, when you can't give your opinion.
[35:12] So I think that thought hit me that day.
[35:16] And I'd always relied on my job because it had the money, and I didn't want to be homeless and all this stuff.
[35:23] It was just that core stuff I was talking about earlier.
[35:26] And that day, I just decided, "Well, what's more important here?
[35:31] The human connection." I talked about that at the very beginning.
[35:33] It was the human connection.
[35:35] I wanted to be able to share my thoughts and opinions with others without fear.
[35:39] I wanted to be able to talk to people.
[35:42] I didn't want to live my life based on the decisions I make from insecurity.
[35:47] And so that day changed. It changed me.
[35:51] And I decided that I would be okay standing up to authority when I felt like it was the right thing to do.
[36:00] And the right thing to do has to be defined in you.
[36:06] What is the right thing to do?
[36:09] Well, if you had no fear of the consequences, what would you do or say?
[36:12] That is the right thing.
[36:14] That's what comes up for me.
[36:16] If I had no fear of the consequences, what would I do or say in this moment?
[36:20] This is what I would do or say. Well, there's my truth.
[36:22] And that's what I would do.
[36:24] That's what I would say.
[36:25] And if that's what comes out, that's what comes out because that's who I am, and that's who I wanted to be.
[36:31] And this is who I've been ever since.
[36:34] Later on, many years later, after I left that job, I was in another job where the boss was very
[36:41] wealthy, very, I don't want to say powerful, but he was well-known.
[36:45] He was a celebrity, actually.
[36:47] And he was yelling at everyone.
[36:51] His voice was raised, and he was going around the room and just putting people down and making them feel bad.
[36:57] And I spoke up then. I spoke up again.
[37:01] I said, "In my mind, I'm thinking, I don't care if I get fired.
[37:05] This is wrong." And even though I had a fear of the consequences, I did it anyway.
[37:11] Because the question isn't, "What would you do knowing you had no fear?" It's, "What would you
[37:17] do if you had no fear?" That's what I did.
[37:20] So I spoke up, and I said something that was not pleasant for him to hear, but I didn't get fired.
[37:29] My direct supervisor said, "You probably shouldn't have said that." And I said, "Yeah, I know
[37:33] I probably shouldn't, but I did." And other people came up to me later and said, "I'm so glad
[37:38] you said that." And then suddenly I felt like I don't want to say it's not a hero, but it's
[37:45] kind of like a leader.
[37:46] I felt like I was leading my own life because I wasn't doing it for them.
[37:50] I was doing it for myself.
[37:51] I got over a hurdle.
[37:54] I had gotten over a hurdle in the last job or that previous job where I spoke up, but this time
[37:59] I was able to say it to someone with more authority, more status and things like that. And I still survived.
[38:07] And I felt really good about myself because I said the right thing.
[38:11] It was the right thing to do.
[38:14] And I think this is how we get past our insecurities.
[38:17] What is the right thing to do?
[38:19] Define what the right thing to do is for you.
[38:23] For me, it's that consequences question.
[38:25] If I had no fear of the consequences, what would I do or say then? That's always my truth. Maybe it's yours too. Thanks for listening today. I appreciate you.
[38:37] This has been the Overwhelmed Brain.
[38:39] I want to thank the patrons this week, Shannon and Angel.
[38:42] And I want to, wow, I want to say a special thank you to Sandra.
[38:46] She wrote me a message and gave me a very generous donation.
[38:50] She said, "Thank you, Paul.
[38:51] I'm still listening every week." Smiley face.
[38:55] Sandra, I am just honored and humbled by your generous donation. Thank you so much.
[39:01] I hope this show gave you something, gave you the value of your donation. I appreciate you. Thank you again.
[39:08] And thank you to all patrons that value this show and want to give back.
[39:11] I am super duper grateful, and I will always be.
[39:15] And if you value this show like these patrons do and you want to give back, head over to moreTLB.com,
[39:20] and there are options to do that over there.
[39:23] And for a show on how to navigate the difficult relationship, I mentioned it earlier, go to loveandabuse.com. That's my other podcast.
[39:31] And also, I help the people with the dysfunctions and the toxic behaviors.
[39:35] I help them as well.
[39:37] So if you are doing toxic behaviors, emotionally abusive behaviors, or you've been told you're
[39:42] controlling or manipulative and you want to change that about yourself, head over to healedbeing.com
[39:48] and start your free lessons right away.
[39:50] And with that, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions.
[39:56] Because when your mind's open, you can answer the questions like, "If I had no fear of the consequences,
[40:01] what would I do or say then?" It's helpful to have your mind open during that time.
[40:05] And I want you to be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
[40:11] Always take steps to grow and evolve.
[40:14] You are powerful beyond measure.
[40:16] And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you, you are amazing.

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