# Is it love or control?

An episode of [The Overwhelmed Brain](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/743537890), 18 Oct 2026, 38 min.

Audio: https://verifi.podscribe.com/rss/p/dts.podtrac.com/redirect.mp3/prfx.byspotify.com/e/pscrb.fm/rss/p/traffic.libsyn.com/secure/theoverwhelmedbrain/687_-_Is_it_love_or_control.mp3?dest-id=168817

Feeling strangled by someone else's demands, guilt trips, or subtle punishments? In this episode, I provide a list of both loving and controlling behaviors so you have no doubt what's going on with you and someone else in your life.

## Transcript

[0:00] The Healed Being program is the key to stopping controlling behaviors.
[0:04] Join me at healedbeing.com, and I'll show you how to get a handle on those triggers and create
[0:10] the most amazing relationship possible.
[0:13] This podcast can be life-changing, so always seek a professional before making any choices about
[0:17] your mental health and well-being.
[0:20] Boy, do I look forward to this subject today.
[0:23] It is about control and love, and there's a difference, of course, if you aren't sure about that.
[0:31] It is absolutely true: control does not equal love.
[0:36] In fact, it is the opposite of love, and I'm going to give you quite a robust comparison list.
[0:45] So the first thing I'm going to do — because this is quite a big list — I'm going to go through as fast as possible.
[0:50] But the first thing I'm going to do is I'm going to talk about control and what it looks like.
[0:55] What does control look like in any relationship? Let's start.
[1:02] Control looks like trying to make others do what you want them to do.
[1:08] Example: pressuring someone to quit their job because you don't like their schedule.
[1:13] That might be a little bit controlling.
[1:15] That's in there, for sure.
[1:17] Next one is wanting to control someone's thoughts and behaviors, like getting upset when someone
[1:24] doesn't think the same way you do about politics or religion.
[1:29] Mm-hm, that's a big one today.
[1:32] Next one is judging and criticizing someone for their choices.
[1:37] For example, making negative comments about what your partner wears or how they spend their free time.
[1:44] How about giving dirty looks or using subtle tactics to influence behavior?
[1:51] How about I give you an example of that?
[1:53] How about rolling your eyes or sighing heavily when someone does something you disapprove of?
[2:00] Another controlling behavior is creating guilt, shame, or emotional pressure to change someone.
[2:08] My example is, "After all I've done for you, you're still going to do that?" These are all so important.
[2:17] If you understand the difference between control and love — and it sounds silly when I say that,
[2:22] of course — there's a difference between control and love.
[2:25] It's just a matter of sometimes we do things that are controlling that feel loving.
[2:30] Like, we feel like we are being loving toward a person, but we're really trying to control them.
[2:35] We're really trying to change their behavior, their decisions, their path in life.
[2:43] And I think it's important to know the difference.
[2:45] So I'm going to continue down this list.
[2:48] The next behavior that is controlling is making someone feel like they're not good enough. How is that controlling?
[2:56] Well, if you're constantly pointing out their flaws or comparing them unfavorably to others,
[3:03] why would you do that?
[3:05] Why would anybody do that to you?
[3:08] If somebody is pointing out your flaws, they want you to change.
[3:12] They're trying to make you change into something that they want.
[3:16] Or maybe they don't really want it, and they're just giving you a hard time. Either way, it's controlling.
[3:22] The next one is trying to manage someone else's desires and wants, right along the lines of
[3:28] trying to control their decision-making and their path in life.
[3:33] For example, telling your partner that they shouldn't want to see their friends so often.
[3:41] You shouldn't want to do that so often.
[3:43] You shouldn't want to see your friends so often.
[3:45] That is managing their desires. That's a big one.
[3:49] You're trying to change what they desire, what they want, sometimes what they need. That's controlling.
[3:59] I'm hoping that you get this.
[4:00] I know you get this.
[4:01] I know that most people who listen to this show understand this.
[4:05] But it's nice to have a definitive list.
[4:09] It may not be complete, but it's a definitive list that you can refer to, or maybe you can refer
[4:14] to with your partner or a family member or a friend and say, "Hey, look, this is controlling behavior.
[4:21] Look, right here." That's controlling.
[4:25] Some guy on a podcast said that.
[4:27] How do you know it's true? I know it's true. I know it's true.
[4:31] I've done a lot of these things.
[4:32] I've done many of these things.
[4:35] The next behavior that is controlling is being selfish and not caring about someone else's happiness. How is that controlling?
[4:44] Well, if you don't care about someone else's happiness, then what you're doing is insisting
[4:49] that your way is the right way, without considering what would make them happy. Yes, that is controlling.
[4:55] If you aren't considering what would make somebody else happy, or even worse, you know it would
[5:02] make them unhappy, then you are trying to control the outcome of that relationship.
[5:08] You're trying to get what you want regardless of what they want, regardless of how they feel about it.
[5:15] The next controlling behavior is causing someone to change or conform to make you comfortable.
[5:25] And some of these will cross each other.
[5:28] Some of them are very similar to each other.
[5:30] But that's a very particular, very specific behavior.
[5:36] You are trying to change someone, which is controlling, but you are doing so to make yourself comfortable.
[5:43] That's the basis of almost all control anyway.
[5:47] I wrote this down, and I'm thinking, "That's the basis of all control," because why else would you do it?
[5:53] You want to make yourself comfortable.
[5:54] You want to make yourself happy.
[5:56] And I realize I'm not talking about you.
[5:58] If you're listening now, I'm not talking about you.
[6:01] I'm talking about people who do this to you.
[6:03] And again, I'm trying to give you a list to refer to in case you ever need it.
[6:09] Oh, and the example for that is, like, causing someone to change or conform to make you comfortable
[6:15] might be you demanding, or them demanding from you, that you stop a hobby because it makes you feel insecure.
[6:23] They want you to stop something that you enjoy because they feel insecure about it.
[6:29] I had somebody write to me and say — this is a long time ago — and say, "You know, I really
[6:34] don't want you to hang out at the beach, because at the beach there's a lot of — well, there
[6:40] are a lot of bodies there, and I just don't want you — " you know, they made something up.
[6:45] Like, "I don't want you getting picked up." What they really didn't want is them looking at other bodies, other people.
[6:52] It's not the full true story there, but I had to embellish it a little bit because I want to keep their privacy. But that's basically it.
[6:59] So their own insecurity caused them to want to control the other person's behaviors.
[7:06] Next one is purposefully creating a rift in the relationship, some sort of disconnect.
[7:13] For example, withdrawing affection until they do what you want.
[7:20] This is the emotionally abusive silent treatment, where they disconnect and act sad or depressed.
[7:29] And what they end up getting, often, is nurturing and doting from the other person because they're
[7:37] so emotionally disconnected, and that other person wants to connect with them.
[7:40] So that is a way that somebody might control you, or you control them, by emotionally withdrawing
[7:48] and disconnecting love so that they come to you and try to nurture you back to a happier place.
[7:56] And it feels good to the person doing it, the person withdrawing, because their insecurity is getting fulfilled.
[8:06] It's getting more secure because the other person is now paying all this attention to them.
[8:11] It's called secondary gain, where there's a benefit to a negative behavior.
[8:18] Like showing that you're sad and you feel unloved or unwanted or just unhappy, and the other
[8:26] person wants to make you happy.
[8:28] So that negative behavior has that gain, that benefit to it.
[8:33] All right, we got four more.
[8:35] The next one is making someone feel trapped or restricted.
[8:39] For example, monitoring their phone or questioning where they go and who they're with, right
[8:44] along the lines of jealousy, which is a very controlling behavior, or turns into a very controlling behavior.
[8:51] Because some people will use that jealousy to cause the other person — typically their partner
[8:58] — to feel bad about seeing people they want to see.
[9:01] So making someone feel trapped or restricted, definitely controlling.
[9:06] The next one is trying to take away what brings them joy or relaxation, pretty much along the
[9:12] same lines as taking their recreation away or having an issue about what they enjoy doing with their time.
[9:21] For example, and some of you will probably relate to this, somebody complaining every time you
[9:27] want to do something that you enjoy. Very controlling.
[9:30] If somebody is complaining when you want to do something that you enjoy, they're trying to keep
[9:36] their grip on you so that you don't have too much fun without them.
[9:41] You must have fun with them, or they will feel left out.
[9:45] And this is all about insecurity-driving behavior.
[9:49] Control is typically desperation and fear and insecurity all wrapped up into one, where somebody
[9:57] doesn't want to feel — and like I said — uncomfortable.
[10:01] Somebody doesn't want to feel uncomfortable.
[10:02] Somebody doesn't want to feel like they're abandoned or alone because they have those kinds
[10:08] of insecurities, and so they become controlling.
[10:11] And yes, all of these behaviors are a bigger picture of emotional abuse.
[10:18] So if you've never listened to my other podcast, Love and Abuse, I talk about this and about 10,000 other things.
[10:25] They're all controlling and emotionally abusive and manipulative, and you learn a lot about
[10:32] other people's behaviors, even if you don't call it emotional abuse.
[10:36] These very specific behaviors, many of us have done, and many of us have had done to us.
[10:42] And it's important to know what they look like and that they are controlling behaviors. So where are we?
[10:51] We are on the last one.
[10:53] Not allowing someone to be themselves.
[10:56] That is probably the most important one that wraps everything up into this one line.
[11:04] When you can't accept somebody for who they are and allow them to be who they are, you will
[11:10] end up doing behaviors that are controlling and manipulative.
[11:16] I can't think of any other outcome when you can't accept somebody for who they are.
[11:23] I mean, the only other outcome is that you are no longer in the picture.
[11:26] You're no longer in the relationship.
[11:28] So if you can't accept somebody for who they are and you leave the relationship, that's great. There'll be no control.
[11:35] You're honoring yourself, and you're moving forward on your own path, going on a different journey than them.
[11:42] But if you stay in a relationship with somebody who you cannot accept, then what you end up
[11:48] doing is exposing yourself to behaviors and expecting someone else to change those behaviors,
[11:55] because you're more than likely going to complain and tell them to stop doing the things you don't like.
[12:02] You may not do that, but that's typically what happens if we are with somebody and they are
[12:08] doing things we don't like, and we stick around and continue being with that person.
[12:13] We might end up trying to change them.
[12:16] So if you can accept somebody as they are and not complain about it, then you'll be fine.
[12:22] But if you can't accept who they are, it's a lot more difficult to continue being with somebody who you can't accept.
[12:30] And again, it comes right back to allowing somebody to be themselves, even if you disagree with who they are.
[12:36] Even if you believe they are hurtful and harmful and toxic, even if you think they are the worst
[12:42] person on earth, if you accept who they are, you get to make a choice of what you do next with your life.
[12:48] And that could be to not be with that person.
[12:53] It could also be to stick around with that person and just tell yourself, "Well, that's who
[12:57] they are, and I have to be okay with it.
[12:59] Otherwise, I'm going to be putting myself in a situation that I'll constantly hate, and I will
[13:05] not enjoy being there." So there's my list of controlling behaviors.
[13:11] Again, not a full complete list, but something to compare when we talk about love.
[13:28] This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.
[13:31] You know, there are plenty of reasons we put off getting support.
[13:35] For a lot of people, cost is one of them.
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[13:52] So let's consider some old assumptions.
[13:54] Maybe there are a few others worth questioning too.
[13:57] You know, my wife and so many other women, maybe all of them, have inherited so many unwritten rules.
[14:02] Like, being a good partner or friend means you're always available, even if you don't have the energy or the time.
[14:08] Or that success means rising to the top of the corporate ladder.
[14:12] Were rules like this imposed on you?
[14:15] And here's the real question.
[14:16] Would you ever impose them onto someone that you care about?
[14:19] Sometimes it's important to address what's going on inside of you with someone who has the knowledge
[14:24] and experience to help you break through the rules that may not apply to you anymore.
[14:29] If you've been waiting to start therapy, BetterHelp works with more than 125 health plan networks,
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[15:05] Let's talk about love. Love is, you know, my definition of love, if you've been listening for
[15:11] a while, you probably know it by heart by now, but it's supporting someone's happiness.
[15:17] I think love means to support someone's happiness.
[15:20] For example, encouraging them to pursue a career opportunity, even if it means less time together. That is being selfless.
[15:28] That is showing them that they're important to you and their happiness is important to you.
[15:35] So we'll start off with that.
[15:37] Love is supporting someone's happiness.
[15:39] It's supporting the decisions they make, even when you disagree.
[15:45] For example, respecting their choice to handle a family conflict differently than you would.
[15:51] That is something that my wife and I talk about a lot.
[15:54] All these conflicts in our lives.
[15:57] And she'll ask me, "Well, how would you handle it?" And she may not always agree.
[16:03] Sometimes she goes with what I say, and then sometimes I say, "Trust your gut." I think she
[16:09] does well at handling — well, let me think about that.
[16:13] There are some conflicts that I tend to be a bit more tactful and diplomatic at.
[16:23] So I think that's why she comes to me for this stuff.
[16:25] But for the most part, she is wonderful at handling conflict.
[16:30] The next loving behavior is something we ended with, allowing someone to be themselves.
[16:39] This is one of the most loving things you can do for someone.
[16:42] Allow them to be who they are.
[16:45] If they want to change the color of their hair or shave their head bald, and it would be weird
[16:51] to you, but you realize that would make them happy, or at least gives them a chance to experiment
[16:57] and see what they like, and you say, "Go for it.
[17:00] I love you either way." One of my favorite quotes comes from my ex-wife. "My uncle just wants
[17:07] to see his wife happy.
[17:08] That's all he cares about." And that really stuck with me.
[17:12] When she said that, it made me realize just how awful I was at loving someone because I was conditional. But her uncle wasn't.
[17:23] Or at least he said, "I just want her to be happy." And that's when he did everything he could
[17:28] to make that happen for her.
[17:30] And I think that's great.
[17:31] And when you have two people doing that, because I know some people are listening now saying,
[17:35] "Yeah, but they don't make me happy." It has to work both ways.
[17:39] Two people have to do that for each other, or more people if it's a family or more in a group.
[17:45] If you are going to show love, the other person has to show love too for it to be a somewhat healthy relationship.
[17:53] So allowing someone to be themselves, absolutely.
[17:57] The next loving behavior is wanting to see the other person feel good in themselves, about themselves. This is so key.
[18:06] Like if you compliment their accomplishments and celebrate their growth, you're off to a great
[18:11] start. "Hey, that was awesome. Good job.
[18:14] I'm so proud of you.
[18:15] I love you." Excellent way to help them feel good in themselves, about themselves. At least you try.
[18:23] Some people have difficulty doing that, but that's what showing love to another person is about.
[18:30] Now, here's the next one, and I think a lot of people are going to want this because they don't have it.
[18:37] And that is wanting to help them feel better when they're in pain.
[18:42] You show love to someone by wanting to help them feel better when they're in pain.
[18:47] Another one is feeling bad when they suffer to the point that it hurts you to see them hurting.
[18:53] If you feel genuine pain when they're going through a difficult time, that's either sympathy
[18:59] or empathy, and they're both very good at these times.
[19:02] Of course, feeling genuine pain when they're going through a difficult time is going to be empathy
[19:09] because you're feeling what they feel.
[19:11] Or at least you're feeling the same emotions, and you can relate to what they're going through.
[19:18] Sympathy can do this too.
[19:19] You can feel genuine pain for someone, being sympathetic for their plight.
[19:23] But empathy usually involves being in that pain with them and knowing what it's like, knowing
[19:30] what they're going through, saying, "Wow, that would hurt me too.
[19:33] That would feel so bad to me as well." And actually feeling it, actually experiencing it.
[19:38] And of course, wanting to help them feel better when they're in pain, like offering comfort
[19:42] and support when they're struggling.
[19:45] And you definitely don't want to try to fix them.
[19:48] I have this little note in my list here.
[19:51] You don't want to try to fix them without them saying, "Hey, can you help?" This is something
[19:59] that codependents like to do.
[20:01] Codependency is, or at least one component of codependency, is wanting to help someone that
[20:09] didn't necessarily ask for help.
[20:11] Wanting to rescue them when they didn't say, "Hey, I need rescuing." Wanting to people-please,
[20:17] wanting to accommodate, wanting to do whatever you can for them because it makes you feel good that you're helping them.
[20:24] Yet not all people want help.
[20:26] They just sometimes they want to vent.
[20:29] Sometimes they need help, and maybe they'll ask for it.
[20:32] But if they don't, then what do you do then?
[20:35] You are there for them.
[20:36] You open your heart to them.
[20:38] You are giving them a safe, non-judgmental space without feeling the pressure of wanting them to take your advice.
[20:48] I think that's the best way for me to put that.
[20:52] So the next loving behavior is trying to make someone's life easier and happier.
[20:57] Like taking on extra household tasks when you know they're overwhelmed.
[21:01] I can't emphasize this enough.
[21:03] I even apply it in work.
[21:05] Or at least I tell you to apply it in work because I don't work in an office anymore. I used to.
[21:09] But when I had a boss, I would definitely try to make my boss's life easier.
[21:16] Not because I was kissing their butt, but because if their life is easier, well, A, it's a nice
[21:23] thing to do because they might have more responsibility and a lot more stress. Maybe.
[21:28] I'm not sure if that's your situation or not, but typically that's what happens.
[21:32] The person above you has more responsibility, has to deal with more.
[21:35] So if it makes their life easier, that's a nice thing to do.
[21:39] And there's a trickle-down effect, typically.
[21:42] If you make your boss's life easier, it's more likely to make your life easier because they're
[21:49] not coming down on you for all the stress they're experiencing, and they feel good because you've
[21:54] helped them achieve that feeling good thing.
[21:58] I know that sounds manipulative, but it is just a nice thing to do.
[22:02] So I apply that at work and career.
[22:04] And also, of course, in relationships, when you can take the burden, the stress off of someone
[22:10] else, especially if they have a lot on their plate, it makes life so much more pleasant.
[22:15] I do this for my wife all the time.
[22:18] I do the dishes 99% of the time.
[22:20] I know she hates doing them.
[22:22] She is so busy all the time.
[22:24] I try to do a lot of the housework and do all my own stuff too, but it never becomes a burden for me.
[22:31] I never get resentful over it.
[22:34] And that is so important.
[22:36] When you're doing something for someone else or trying to release some of the pressure and the
[22:41] overwhelm for them, don't become burdened by it. Don't become resentful.
[22:47] Do it because you want to do it because it makes you feel good to see them less stressed and more happy. I went through this.
[22:55] When I started doing the dishes a lot, I thought to myself, "Gee, you know, she doesn't do the
[23:00] dishes ever, and I always get stuck with them.
[23:03] And she says she wants a clean kitchen, but she never cleans it herself." And so I started feeling
[23:08] these feelings until I realized, "Oh, wait, she does a lot that I don't want to do." So it kind of works out.
[23:16] She makes the phone calls.
[23:18] She talks to the accountant.
[23:20] She does the banking stuff.
[23:21] She does so much that I don't want to do and frankly am not good at.
[23:26] And so I've learned to see the balance and throw out any resentment that I might feel.
[23:33] And this has really given me a new perspective.
[23:35] And I think it should be considered in any relationship.
[23:39] When somebody is doing things that you don't want to do, and you're doing things that maybe
[23:44] you don't want to do either, but you want to do them because you don't want them to do them, it can balance out.
[23:51] Of course, it has to balance.
[23:53] It can't just be one person doing everything.
[23:56] But you got to find and be appreciative, or at least try to be appreciative, of the things that
[24:03] you're doing that you might feel resentful for, that if you did what they were doing, would
[24:10] that be a consideration where you say to yourself, "Well, I really wouldn't want to do what
[24:15] they do, so maybe I should be okay doing what I do." And this isn't an excuse.
[24:20] This isn't saying that somebody's being mean to you because you had a complaint about the very
[24:26] few things that they did around the house or did for you. That's not.
[24:30] That's a different conversation, and it should be had.
[24:34] Again, it has to come with balance because the people involved in any relationship, there has to be an investment.
[24:41] People have to invest into the relationship in order for the relationship to grow and be nurtured
[24:46] and flourish and survive and thrive.
[24:49] So it is all in a positive direction, all investing in that relationship.
[24:56] Another very loving thing to do is prioritize another person's happiness.
[25:01] When others prioritize your happiness and you prioritize theirs, everyone wins.
[25:08] I actually love prioritizing my wife's happiness because that is what makes me happy.
[25:14] And I think that makes her happy with me as well.
[25:18] So I think that's an important aspect of love in a relationship.
[25:23] One good example of that is I have a couple of good examples.
[25:28] One of them is watching a TV show that you don't want to watch, but you do anyway because you
[25:34] know it'll make them happy.
[25:35] I'm not saying do it all the time.
[25:38] I'm saying you compromise every now and then.
[25:41] Another thing is, and you've probably heard me say this before, going to things that she loves that I don't. She loves plants. I don't.
[25:50] Sometimes I will go with her because I like her company.
[25:54] I like being with her.
[25:55] Sometimes I don't want to be without her.
[25:58] So I have this hopeless romantic part of me.
[26:02] But sometimes I realize, "Oh my God, I'm going to be bored for two hours while she talks plants
[26:06] with somebody." So I stay home.
[26:09] So there's a balance there as well.
[26:11] Another loving behavior is trusting someone to make their own decisions even when you disagree with those decisions.
[26:19] I know how hard that is.
[26:21] But what is love without trust, and what is trust without love?
[26:27] And I'm not saying that you have to trust every single decision they make because sometimes
[26:30] they'll make mistakes, and sometimes you'll make mistakes.
[26:33] But if my wife said, "I really want to do this, and it's going to cost a lot of money." And
[26:39] I'll say, "Wow, we have this much money.
[26:44] So if you do that, it'll cut down to this much money." But if she's very excited about it, how I think is this.
[26:52] It's kind of a morbid thought, but what if we get into a car accident next week and she couldn't
[26:57] do what she wanted to do because I said no?
[27:00] I don't want to feel like I restricted that from her life, and I don't want to feel like we
[27:06] made decisions based on so much careful planning that we couldn't enjoy today in the present moment.
[27:14] So there's a give and take, and there's a balancing act that has to go into all of these.
[27:20] But I do think about this kind of stuff.
[27:23] If she really wants to do something, I'm going to support it unless it's just impossible for me to support.
[27:29] I mean, if she wants to own horses, we don't have the room.
[27:34] I don't know how to do that, and I would be surprised if that happened.
[27:39] But that would be a conversation, and it would affect our lives in a big way.
[27:47] But wow, where do you draw the line? I don't know.
[27:50] Maybe I would say, "Well, if you're really serious about this, we have to sell and move to a
[27:54] farm," and I might consider it.
[27:57] I'm thinking in real time here. I might consider it.
[27:59] It wouldn't be something that I would want necessarily to get into, but I'll prioritize her
[28:04] happiness, and I'll trust her to make her own decisions even if I disagree with those decisions,
[28:09] and we'll see where it goes.
[28:10] Because life's too short to have too many disagreements where one person's giving up a lot and
[28:16] the other person's getting what they want.
[28:18] I don't think that's a fun way to continue moving through life and trying to enjoy each other's
[28:25] company when there is that on the table, when there is a disagreement or one person is not as fulfilled or satisfied.
[28:35] Anyway, trusting someone to make their own decisions even when you disagree with those decisions.
[28:39] A good example of that is, "I wouldn't make that choice, but I trust you to decide what's right
[28:45] for you." That's right in alignment with supporting their happiness.
[28:50] The next loving behavior, I've got a few more.
[28:53] Consideration of someone's well-being without controlling what they decide well-being looks
[28:59] like or being well looks like.
[29:03] So this is a tough one.
[29:05] If they want to eat donuts every day and that's what makes them happy, do you just go along with it?
[29:12] And I'm not putting that down. I love donuts.
[29:15] But if they ate it every day and they didn't get enough healthy choices, healthy foods inside
[29:20] of them, and you saw their health declining, it would certainly be worth talking about.
[29:27] But in general, this loving behavior, considering someone's well-being without controlling what
[29:32] they decide what being well looks like, is all about seeing them as an equal, seeing them as
[29:40] an adult making a decision for themselves.
[29:43] When you see someone as an equal, then you will treat them as you wish to be treated.
[29:50] If I want my wife to be okay with the decisions that I make for myself, even if they appear
[29:56] unhealthy to her, then I should want the same for her.
[30:00] I shouldn't say, "Hey, you shouldn't eat that, drink that, do that." I shouldn't say any of
[30:05] that stuff because I wouldn't want her to say that to me. Why?
[30:08] Because I'm an adult and I can make my own decisions.
[30:10] It's like she's an adult and she can make her own decisions.
[30:14] And that used to not be me.
[30:16] I used to not be okay with another adult, an equal adult making decisions for themselves.
[30:22] And that really messed things up. It hurt them.
[30:26] It caused people in my life who didn't deserve to be hurt to be hurt.
[30:32] And I will never do that again.
[30:34] I want Asha, my wife, to be happy and make her own decisions, and I am here for her no matter what.
[30:41] So considering someone else's well-being without controlling what they decide being well looks
[30:45] like might be like asking them, "What would help you feel better?" instead of telling them what they should do.
[30:55] I have friends that do this, the opposite of what they should do.
[30:58] I have friends that say, "Hey, you should do this." instead of asking, "What do you think would
[31:04] help you feel better?" Or at least saying, "Hey, I have a solution for you if you'd like to
[31:12] hear it, or a possible solution for you if you'd like to hear it." And that gives the other person a choice.
[31:19] So the next one is a loving behavior that will probably be difficult for a lot of people, and
[31:26] that is having their back when it feels like their back is against you.
[31:32] And what that means is standing up for them even when you're the one they're upset with.
[31:37] And that could be maybe you're upset with somebody that you care about, and now you're in front
[31:43] of somebody else, and you have an opportunity to tell that somebody else, "Oh, so-and-so did
[31:48] this to me or said this to me." And it can be really hurtful because now you are bringing in
[31:54] this private information from your relationship into another relationship and doing some triangulation,
[32:01] trying to pit somebody else against that person. And that's just wrong.
[32:06] That is the wrong thing to do.
[32:08] It will destroy a relationship if the person who's supposed to have your back, even when they're
[32:14] mad at you or you're mad at them, doesn't.
[32:17] If you don't have the person that you care about, if you don't have their back and they feel
[32:24] abandoned, if they feel like you are not there for them even when they're upset, even when they're
[32:30] angry, then it creates a rift in the relationship, and we don't want that.
[32:36] We don't want to create that rift.
[32:37] I will stand up for Asha.
[32:39] I will take the proverbial bullet for her.
[32:43] Even when I'm upset with her, which is very rare, but it happens, if I'm upset with her, if
[32:48] she said something that made me angry or whatever, I will still stand up for her.
[32:53] And even when I'm upset with her, if she says something self-deprecating, I will absolutely
[33:00] stand up for her because I never want her to feel bad about herself.
[33:05] I never want her to put herself down.
[33:06] So even if I'm upset with her, which I'm allowed to be, she's allowed to be upset with me, but
[33:11] I don't want her to be upset with herself.
[33:15] I don't want her to hate herself.
[33:16] I don't want her to give herself a hard time.
[33:19] And I'll be honest with her.
[33:21] If she says, "Oh, I'm so stupid at that," I'll say, "No, you're not. You're actually pretty brilliant.
[33:25] I'm still upset with you, but you're brilliant at that." It probably wouldn't go that smoothly,
[33:30] but I think you get what I mean.
[33:32] And I just told you the last one in so many words, which is never letting someone you love stop loving themselves. Never let it happen.
[33:41] Remind them of their worth when they're being hard on themselves.
[33:46] Even when you're being hard on them, if you are, you still have to remind them that they are worth loving. They are worth respecting.
[33:56] They are worth being a partner, being a mom, being a dad, being a brother, being a sister, being
[34:03] somebody that matters to you. They matter. You matter.
[34:10] And when you instill that in someone, whether it's family, friends, or romantic relationships,
[34:17] or anyone else in your life, when you instill their worth, or at least remind them of their
[34:23] own worth and let them know how amazing they are, it really makes the world go around.
[34:30] It really reminds people who they are inside, just like I know who you are inside.
[34:39] If you are listening to a show like this, that means you want to improve yourself.
[34:43] That means you want to learn something new to bring into the world, to bring into your life,
[34:49] to help get along with other people, to avoid the toxicity of the world.
[34:54] Listening to material like this makes you amazing.
[34:58] I say it at the end of every episode. You are amazing.
[35:02] And I've had people write to me and say I think it only happened twice.
[35:06] I've had somebody write to me and say, "How do you know I'm amazing?" You say it at the end of every episode.
[35:12] I know you're amazing because you're here.
[35:15] There's no one in the world who would listen to a show like this who isn't amazing because they
[35:21] are wanting to improve themselves, which improves their relationships, which improves their
[35:27] circle of influence, which improves their entire world and the entire world in general. And that is huge.
[35:35] If you want to improve yourself, you are amazing. It's just a fact.
[35:42] So never doubt my words at the end of any episode because you truly matter.
[35:52] I want to thank you for listening to another episode of The Overwhelmed Brain.
[35:55] I told you about my podcast, Love and Abuse.
[35:58] If you are in a difficult relationship or want to learn how to navigate a difficult relationship,
[36:02] if it's not yours or somebody else's, go to my other podcast, Love and Abuse, over at loveandabuse.com.
[36:09] And if you know you're the difficult one in the relationship, maybe you were doing the things
[36:12] at the beginning of the episode, the first half of the episode, then join the program that is
[36:16] helping a lot of people heal and change over at healbeing.com.
[36:22] And with that, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions.
[36:28] And be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
[36:34] Always take steps to grow and evolve.
[36:37] You are powerful beyond measure.
[36:40] And above all, this is something I absolutely know to be true about you without a doubt. You are amazing.

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