# When you just don't see eye to eye on everything and it's a big problem

An episode of [The Overwhelmed Brain](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/743537890), 11 Oct 2026, 43 min.

Audio: https://verifi.podscribe.com/rss/p/dts.podtrac.com/redirect.mp3/prfx.byspotify.com/e/pscrb.fm/rss/p/traffic.libsyn.com/secure/theoverwhelmedbrain/686_-_When_you_just_dont_see_eye_to_eye_on_everything_and_its_a_big_problem.mp3?dest-id=168817

Wanting different things than your partner (kids, stability, freedom) doesn't make you a bad person — it makes this relationship a system with incompatible "inputs." And if you feel torn or guilty about what to do, I've been there. And I'll walk you through the hard questions you need to ask before resentment becomes the default.

## Transcript

[0:00] I lost several relationships throughout my life because of my behaviors.
[0:04] I finally took responsibility and learned what healthy love truly looks like.
[0:09] If you find that you're the common denominator for most or all of your relationship issues,
[0:15] head over to HealedBeing.com and start your changes right away.
[0:19] This podcast can be life-changing, so always seek a professional before making any choices about
[0:23] your mental health and well-being.
[0:25] Some people tune in just to hear me talk, and I don't understand why.
[0:30] Some people say that I talk too much, and I understand why.
[0:37] I'm just starting the episode, and I'm getting past myself.
[0:42] This is kind of how I get past my creative blocks, actually, and it is something that I would recommend.
[0:49] If you have a creative block, if you're a writer, if you're a speaker, if you are a musician,
[0:54] or whatever it is, you're an artist, if you are creating, just create. That's it.
[1:02] Just create, and keep creating until it turns into something.
[1:06] That is my advice for all creators out there.
[1:10] Very similar to the way I'm starting today's episode.
[1:14] I actually usually do some editing so my creation doesn't go out on the air.
[1:20] You know, my rambling at the beginning, but this time I wanted to be a little different this time, because it's true.
[1:29] I learned this many, many years ago doing this show, that if I just come on the air and start
[1:35] talking, it will turn into something, and then I can just get rid of all the excess rambling at the beginning.
[1:44] So, here I am rambling, not necessarily planning what I'm rambling, but I do have an episode
[1:52] topic in mind today, but I thought I'd at least today share with you my creative process.
[2:00] So, yes, sometimes I will press record and just talk, and I'm serious, it could be as mundane
[2:09] as I just pressed record and now I'm talking, and now I continue talking, and I feel weird when
[2:16] I say, you know, I'll keep going on like that.
[2:24] Not because I want to put that out there, but because it gets the neurons moving.
[2:30] So, that is my advice to any creator out there. Just create.
[2:34] If you're painting, just paint.
[2:37] See what it turns into. Works for me.
[2:40] May not work for you, but it works for me, and I find it very helpful.
[2:45] With that said, I'm going to get right into today's topic, which is a message that I received.
[2:50] This person wrote, Paul, I feel that your show and other material is like, or material, let's start over.
[2:59] Paul, I feel that your show and other material like it is tremendously helpful for those going
[3:04] through major relationship issues, but is geared toward those who are maybe on the receiving
[3:10] end of the hard times.
[3:12] I'm experiencing a very difficult time with my partner, but as the person who may be wanting
[3:17] something different, maybe wanting something other than what we started talking about when we
[3:22] got engaged, it's killing me.
[3:25] I feel bad, like I'm the bad person, but I also feel like I'm seeking growth as far as what it means to me.
[3:32] This is not an infidelity issue.
[3:34] It's more like what we want life to look like. Kids, stability, etc.
[3:41] Vice freedom, vice freedom, like bad habits, and exploration.
[3:46] I know these aren't literally mutually exclusive, but it just feels that way.
[3:51] I don't know how to handle this. Would love your thoughts. Thank you.
[3:56] Thank you for writing, and remember how I said I was starting this episode by rambling and getting
[4:03] into a creative mind space?
[4:04] I did the same thing with this message, and sometimes I do this.
[4:07] Sometimes I like to surprise myself with a message to see where my brain goes.
[4:12] Not that I don't know my brain, but sometimes there's information in there that I can't access
[4:18] if I prepare too much.
[4:20] The creative process also helps me access some deeper stuff.
[4:24] This is all the stuff that I've worked on and studied for years, and had my own issues with for many, many years.
[4:33] Things like this come along.
[4:35] I have thoughts on this.
[4:38] I certainly will give you my thoughts.
[4:40] Thank you for writing and for sharing this.
[4:42] I'm so sorry you're going through it.
[4:44] It is tough when there are incompatibilities, because that's what might be happening here.
[4:51] Where I go, and I'll give you a good example of this.
[4:55] I met my wife about 12 years ago.
[4:58] We were both living about a thousand miles apart.
[5:01] I was north, she was south.
[5:04] I told this story before, so I'll keep it really quick, but in a nutshell, we met online.
[5:10] I was not ready to date, and she was.
[5:15] I decided that I wasn't going to be in a relationship anymore.
[5:22] Long story short, we stayed friends.
[5:25] She kept dating here and there.
[5:29] We finally decided that maybe we should get together. Maybe we should connect.
[5:34] I was still healing and working on myself, doing my own growth, my own personal growth. She was ready.
[5:43] She was ready for a relationship.
[5:45] Anyway, we stayed friends for several months.
[5:48] Then one day she said, I wonder what it would be like to be in the same town, and maybe see
[5:54] each other, and see what happens.
[5:56] That's when we decided, okay, maybe there is something here. Maybe we can date.
[6:01] Again, I wasn't looking to date, because I was working on myself.
[6:04] I really wanted to heal.
[6:07] I think we should bring the best version of ourselves into a relationship, and be very comfortable
[6:13] with ourselves, and know what we want, and know who we are.
[6:18] This is very much in alignment with this person who wrote to me.
[6:24] Entering a relationship, knowing who you are, and what you want, can help with decision making,
[6:31] can help with future stuff that comes up in a relationship.
[6:36] I know sometimes things come up, and you weren't prepared for it, or it was never talked about,
[6:41] or it wasn't on your radar.
[6:42] There are issues that come up, and challenges like this that come up.
[6:47] I mean, the kids thing, that probably should be discussed for sure, way in advance.
[6:52] If you don't want kids, and the other person does, that is a big thing. That's a big thing.
[6:58] Anyway, I met Asha, and that's my wife's name.
[7:02] Back then, I was fully prepared to start to see what this relationship was going to blossom into.
[7:09] Okay, maybe it can be more than friendship.
[7:14] We got into talking, and we asked ourselves, and we asked each other, are we willing to make some changes?
[7:22] Because we live a thousand miles apart, and there are changes to make.
[7:26] What she said to me is, I can't leave.
[7:29] I am sharing custody with my ex-husband, and if I leave, I won't see my son, and I can't take my son with me.
[7:38] That was set in stone.
[7:39] There was no changing that.
[7:41] I either had to agree to that, and move, or what?
[7:48] There's nothing else I could have done.
[7:49] I would have to move down, or have a long-distance relationship.
[7:53] Her other stipulation was no long-distance relationships.
[7:57] So, there were already two things working against me.
[8:00] I had to move, and I had to, or didn't, I couldn't do the long-distance relationship thing.
[8:10] I said, well, I really love it here in New Hampshire, and I want to stay.
[8:17] This is the first time I didn't follow my heart.
[8:20] I don't want to follow my heart all the time.
[8:23] That's what I used to do.
[8:23] I used to follow my heart, and move, and do whatever my partner wanted, never really considering
[8:29] what I wanted, because I thought being with a partner is the top thing in your life.
[8:35] Being with somebody should give you the most happiness.
[8:38] So, I used to rely on other people as my source of happiness, or rely on having a relationship to be happy.
[8:46] And so, I was relying to myself.
[8:50] I was relying to myself thinking that happiness comes from being in a relationship.
[8:55] Yes, happiness does happen in relationships, and relationships can absolutely bring you wonderfully happy, blissful feelings. Absolutely.
[9:08] And it doesn't mean it's the only source of happiness.
[9:11] So, I went through my entire life thinking that relationships were the only source of happiness,
[9:16] and that ruined every one of my relationships.
[9:19] Not that specific belief, but I ended up trying to hold on to relationships so tightly that
[9:25] I ended up controlling people.
[9:27] I was manipulative and controlling, and that was a very, toxic, abusive behavior.
[9:34] And it's a multitude of behaviors in there.
[9:36] And I decided that that's not going to be me anymore.
[9:40] I don't like that side of me.
[9:43] I never want to be that person again.
[9:44] And that's when I started healing and all that stuff.
[9:46] So, after all that healing, I met Asha.
[9:50] And I still didn't think I was ready for a relationship.
[9:54] And then time went by, and then we decided, okay, maybe this will work.
[9:57] And then she said, sorry, I'm not moving, and I'm not going to have a long-distance relationship.
[10:01] So, basically, the ball's in your court talking to me.
[10:05] And I thought, damn, I really like you here.
[10:09] I don't want to move.
[10:10] And for the first time ever, in any relationship that has ever become something for me, I said,
[10:19] I guess we're not going to have a relationship then.
[10:23] I mean, I wasn't trying to be mean or manipulate or anything like that, but I knew she wasn't
[10:27] going to move, and I didn't want to move.
[10:30] So, for the first time, I was honoring myself.
[10:33] I was honoring my own path, my own direction, my own values.
[10:39] And I valued where I lived.
[10:42] I valued this new me, who I was becoming, what I liked, what I enjoyed.
[10:49] And I decided, after reflecting on my choices, I decided that I was going to stay.
[10:57] And if I was going to stay, I guess we can't have a relationship.
[11:02] And so, we talked about it.
[11:03] I said, I can't move.
[11:04] I really like it here.
[11:05] I don't want to move and just follow my heart.
[11:08] And wherever you go, I go, that's been my life my whole life.
[11:12] And for the first time, I'm doing things for me. And she was cool. She understood.
[11:17] She would like to try a relationship with me, but she completely understood.
[11:22] And in fact, she respected it.
[11:24] And that really made me feel good.
[11:28] She respected my decision to follow my path instead of just do what she wanted me to do, or
[11:34] follow her around like a puppy or something. She respected it.
[11:38] And I think that she found it a very mature viewpoint.
[11:45] And that made me feel good, because I felt like I was maturing.
[11:49] So, she respected that, and I felt good about it.
[11:53] And then that night, I think it was, I thought about it.
[11:56] And I said, am I restricting myself from a possibly good relationship here by just following
[12:05] my own path and not considering this?
[12:08] I was really thinking about it.
[12:10] Like, can this work in some other way?
[12:14] And so, I asked myself, well, what if I did go down for a while?
[12:19] What if I did just move down there?
[12:22] What if we didn't get along and it didn't work out?
[12:28] Why can't I just move back?
[12:31] I mean, I wasn't made of money back then, but it was true.
[12:35] I mean, didn't really cost too much to travel by car to go down there and live for a while, rent a room somewhere.
[12:44] That was my plan, or at least that was what I was thinking.
[12:48] But I brought that up in my mind.
[12:50] Why can't I just go down there for a little while, see if it works out?
[12:53] Maybe I'm just limiting myself and I don't need to.
[12:57] I mean, I already decided that I'm going to follow my own path, but maybe I'll like it in Georgia. Maybe I'll down there.
[13:04] And so, I decided that, okay, because I'm leaving this other door open to come back, then I
[13:11] will go try this if she's open to it.
[13:14] And so, I called her the next day or she called me and I said, you know, I thought about it.
[13:19] Why can't I come down there just for a little while?
[13:21] And if it doesn't work, I'll just move back.
[13:24] I think she said, do you want to do that?
[13:26] Is that something you can do?
[13:28] I said, yeah, I think that's cool.
[13:31] I think I can do that.
[13:33] And so, she said, well, where are you going to stay?
[13:35] And I said, I'll rent a room somewhere. It'll be pretty easy.
[13:38] And then she said something I'll never forget.
[13:40] Well, why don't you just stay with me? And I said, what? Are you serious?
[13:44] Well, she goes, why don't we try it out first?
[13:47] You can come down for a month, stay with me for a while, and then we'll see if it works out.
[13:52] We're just getting to know each other and that's, you know, that's pretty risky just to move in with somebody.
[13:58] But I said, okay, you know, I trust you. You trust me.
[14:01] Let's see where this goes. And I did.
[14:03] I went down there for a month. I'm so sorry.
[14:06] This is supposed to be the short part of the story.
[14:08] I got to speed this up.
[14:10] So, we spent a month together. It was great.
[14:13] She said there were no glitches.
[14:14] I moved back and then came back permanently.
[14:17] So, I ended up moving in with her.
[14:19] And we have, I mean, there were challenges at first, but we got along stellarly and we kept getting along. So, that was great.
[14:28] So, anyway, my point is talking about being in alignment with this person who wrote, I had to
[14:36] learn that it's okay to have my own wants, my own needs, my own find out where I am okay with balance and compromise. That's what I did.
[14:57] I decided, you know, at the time I was thinking, I'm not going to move from New Hampshire.
[15:01] I love it up here, but maybe I can do a little bit of a compromise and still be happy.
[15:08] And so I did that.
[15:10] I gave in and moved in or moved down to Georgia and moved in with her.
[15:17] And we were happy and things were great and things are great still.
[15:22] And we still go to New Hampshire.
[15:24] We both actually have family up there.
[15:25] We visit New Hampshire and visit our family and enjoy our time off together.
[15:31] So, there's kind of a best of all worlds that worked out because of my willingness to compromise,
[15:37] because of my willingness to really explore, really evaluate what's important to me and ask
[15:45] myself, am I willing, am I willing to do these things or give in a little bit so that we might
[15:53] be able to expand our happiness?
[15:56] Because I would probably be very happy just on my own, doing my own personal growth work and continuing down my path. I could have been. Who knows?
[16:05] If I never went down to live with Aja and move in together and all that, I probably could have
[16:11] been happy doing what I was doing and it would have been fine.
[16:15] And maybe I would have met her in the future or somebody else and things would have probably
[16:21] turned out okay either way.
[16:23] But I decided to give it a chance and now I find that I am happy and I'll probably, I probably
[16:30] admit that I'm happier now than I would have been had I done that.
[16:33] So, I mean, I'm supposed to say I'm happier than I've ever been in my life and if I hadn't met
[16:38] Aja, I would be miserable without her and I probably would just live lonely and depressed.
[16:43] I'm supposed to say all that.
[16:46] She wouldn't want me to.
[16:48] She wouldn't want me to lie because I don't know if that's true.
[16:51] I don't know if I would have not been happy without her.
[16:55] I could have been just as happy.
[16:57] I could have been happier. I don't think so.
[16:59] I mean, I'm as happy as I think I can be.
[17:02] So, is there a happier?
[17:03] I don't know, but it doesn't matter because I'm happy. I'm fine.
[17:07] And this is the kind of stuff, I mean, yeah, this is the kind of stuff I think about a way like,
[17:13] how do I make this better?
[17:15] How do I fix something that's wrong?
[17:17] But in a way of enjoying and being grateful for what I have and not looking outside what I have because it's so great.
[17:26] And so, sometimes we have something so great that we might, there might be components of it
[17:33] that we don't want, that we don't like, that we're not looking forward to that still contribute
[17:42] to happiness, that still contribute and expand fulfillment.
[17:48] And so, I wonder about this person who wrote, is anything that you two are talking about, does
[17:56] any of it have the ability to expand fulfillment? Do you want kids? Does she want kids?
[18:03] Do one of you not want kids?
[18:05] And that's one of the problems.
[18:07] And if you did have a kid, this is where you think ahead.
[18:11] Okay, if I did have a kid and I didn't want one, would this expand my fulfillment in any way?
[18:18] Like, when I think about it, I'm a person who never had kids, never really sought to have them,
[18:23] don't really, I don't want to say I don't want them, but if it happened, I think I would be
[18:29] like a crazy cool father.
[18:32] I think I would have been the funnest, most playful father there could be.
[18:40] I mean, I love playing with the toys with kids and making voices in the little characters that
[18:45] I'm playing with and they laugh and it gives me joy to do that.
[18:49] And I know fatherhood isn't that all easy and motherhood is a lot harder if you're a mom.
[18:55] That's what I think about.
[18:57] It's like, if I did have kids, I think I would have been fine.
[19:00] I think I would have probably been happy, maybe even happier, but I didn't and I'm still happy.
[19:08] So I'm okay with that.
[19:09] In this case, this person is in a relationship where kids are an issue or maybe not an issue,
[19:16] but a talking point, a subject that comes up that is important to at least one of them.
[19:21] And so the question to the person who doesn't want kids is, will you be okay if you have them?
[19:30] Because that is an important question because if the answer is no, I don't want kids, I don't
[19:36] want to take care of diapers, or maybe I want to travel and kids will be a hindrance.
[19:41] You know, there are all kinds of reasons and justifications and excuses that we come up with
[19:46] for things that we don't want in our life.
[19:49] But be real, be realistic.
[19:53] If a kid came along, oh no, she's pregnant.
[19:57] If a kid came along, your life would change. Absolutely.
[20:02] But would it change for the worse?
[20:05] Would it bring you unhappiness?
[20:08] I mean, these are important questions that only you can answer, but it's important to understand
[20:14] where you are with it.
[20:15] Because if you're an adamant no, or she is an adamant no, and one of you is an adamant yes,
[20:24] and neither one of you can give, like, okay, let's just, you know, let's just talk about this a little bit more.
[20:33] And what about having one child, one?
[20:36] You know, if you can't, if one of you can't give in, a subject like this is so important to
[20:42] a person or to both people who either want or don't want kids.
[20:47] The person who doesn't want kids, like they're adamant, they really don't want them and they
[20:52] might resent it and they might not.
[20:55] But the person who wants kids, that's even more important because I'll tell you why. You probably already know.
[21:02] Let's just say they don't want kids, but they want to make sure that their partner is happy
[21:09] and that they keep the relationship going, so they decide not to have them because their partner doesn't want them. What does that do?
[21:18] That builds probably regret, probably big regret.
[21:23] Because imagine if you're together for a good 15 years, and then that time when you have, are
[21:28] supposed to have kids and that special window and all that, you know, the age range that you're
[21:34] supposed to have kids, if that goes past and then the relationship ends, that's going to be a huge regret.
[21:41] Most likely it'll be a huge regret.
[21:44] So to the person who doesn't want kids, it's something that you might be able to adapt to easier
[21:52] or a lot easier than the person who does want kids and chooses not to because of their partner.
[21:58] So that's something to consider very, very carefully.
[22:01] That is a big issue in relationships when one of you wants and one of you doesn't.
[22:09] Now, if it's about, I want 20 kids and the other person wants one kid, that's a different conversation to have.
[22:16] But I have a feeling it's about, you know, kids versus no kids. That is important.
[22:22] My thought on that is that could be a deal breaker.
[22:27] And what I mean by that is the relationship could suffer if one really wants kids, but the answer
[22:37] is to not have them just to keep the other person happy.
[22:41] I think that could potentially dissolve the relationship because that desire, that wanting will
[22:49] always be there and never fulfilled.
[22:52] And then if the relationship does have issues or challenges or there's a breakup or divorce,
[22:58] or even if somebody dies in the relationship, then the window of opportunity to have children could have passed.
[23:05] And that's going to affect the person who wants the kids.
[23:10] So that's a very touchy, real subject that I believe needs to have a serious conversation about
[23:18] the longevity of the relationship or the existence of the relationship going forward.
[23:23] Because if you can't get comfortable, like if the person who says, you know, I would have kids
[23:29] if we had them, but I don't really need them.
[23:33] I don't really want them.
[23:34] Or if I had to, it would be great.
[23:36] You know, if it's kind of back and forth, then maybe you can find a compromise and, you know,
[23:41] the compromise might be, let's not have them or let's have one, whatever it is.
[23:46] But if it's like, I really want them.
[23:48] And the other person's like, I really don't.
[23:50] That is something you have to discuss and be real, be open, have the hard conversation because
[23:57] it might come down to, but I do want them.
[24:00] And the other person says, but I don't.
[24:02] And I think it's a loving and supporting thing to do, to look at who wants children and the
[24:09] other person doesn't, to say, I don't want to be the reason you don't have them.
[24:16] I don't know what that means.
[24:17] That could mean breaking up and letting them go off and, you know, marry and have lots of kids.
[24:23] I'm not saying it means that.
[24:25] I'm just saying it's a loving thing to do, to say, I know you want children and I don't, and
[24:31] I don't want to stop you from doing that. That implies a lot.
[24:35] I know, but that's, that's my thought on it.
[24:39] If my wife wanted children and I was adamant against it, I would say, well, I'm not going to
[24:43] hold you back from something you want.
[24:46] I already know what happens when you hold somebody back from something they want.
[24:51] You feel the resentment, you feel the growing distance. It's not fun. It's terrible.
[24:59] It's terrible for a relationship.
[25:01] That used to be the person I was that, I mean, that was who I was.
[25:06] That used to be how I, how I would treat my partner in the past, not Asha, but the people before
[25:14] I learned what emotionally abusive behavior was and all that, it used to be how I would see them and treat them.
[25:22] Like they need to comply with what I want.
[25:24] They need to submit to what I want because I was the priority.
[25:30] That was what I did.
[25:32] It's embarrassing and it's, you know, it's terrible to admit, but that's what I did.
[25:37] I made myself the priority.
[25:38] I made my wants and needs more important than hers.
[25:42] And so I stopped doing that.
[25:44] I don't want to do that anymore.
[25:45] I would rather let someone go than trying to control what they, um, what they do with their life.
[25:52] I'm just telling you, that's my angle.
[25:55] I'm being transparent about how I look at things from this perspective, because I know where I've been.
[26:03] I know what I've done.
[26:04] I know how people have felt hurt and controlled when, um, I didn't want them to do something.
[26:11] So I wanted them to do what I wanted them to do, regardless of how they felt about it.
[26:15] And I never want to, I never want to be that person again.
[26:18] I never want to be that way.
[26:20] So if Asha said, I want to get pregnant, I would say, you're crazy because you're in your fifties
[26:26] now, but it can happen.
[26:29] But if she said that, I certainly wouldn't say, no, you can't do it.
[26:32] We would have to have a discussion on it.
[26:35] Maybe adoption, maybe something else, but, uh, it would affect my life. Absolutely.
[26:40] But I would see, you know, if this is what she wanted, I would see that it would make her happy.
[26:46] And if it makes her happy, that's kind of my priority.
[26:49] I love making her happy.
[26:51] Not that I'm responsible for happiness, but when she is happy because of me, that makes me feel damn good.
[26:58] That makes me feel really good.
[27:00] So that is kind of a bigger picture for me as well.
[27:03] Like, um, my partner wants to do something or wants to change a part of her life or anything that she wants.
[27:11] If she's happy, this is like, um, that saying, happy wife, happy life.
[27:15] I totally believe in that. Totally.
[27:18] I don't always succeed, but I try to, to succeed in that area.
[27:23] And so, uh, I see it that way.
[27:26] I, that's my perspective and a lot of probably everything else I'm going to talk about, um, with this person's message.
[27:33] So getting back to this person's message.
[27:36] You said it's, um, it's killing me.
[27:38] I feel like a bad person.
[27:40] Why do you feel like a bad person?
[27:42] Are you telling your partner that they can't have any of these things?
[27:47] Are you telling them that it's your way or the highway?
[27:51] You don't have to feel bad for having wants and needs.
[27:54] You don't have to feel bad at all.
[27:56] But if you feel bad because you're trying to control the of what they do with their life and
[28:05] you're trying to control the outcome of the relationship, then yeah, you probably do feel like
[28:10] a bad person because that's controlling and manipulative.
[28:14] And that's not really allowing somebody to have free will and to autonomously, autonomously
[28:20] decide to be with you.
[28:22] They should have the free will to choose to be with you and do the things that want to do with their life.
[28:28] And if it's not compatible, then you have conversations on it.
[28:33] And, um, you, if you feel like a bad person, the only thing I can think of is that you're trying to sway your partner.
[28:40] You're trying to sway them to take your side.
[28:43] So I'm not sure why you feel like a bad person, but if that's the case, yeah, I understand. Yeah.
[28:49] You probably should feel bad for trying to sway somebody to do what you want, but not what they want.
[28:54] But I don't know for sure if that's the case.
[28:58] You also say, I feel like I'm seeking growth as far as what that means to me.
[29:03] I'm not sure how to answer that because, you know, we all have our own journey, our own path
[29:07] to personal growth and development. And, um, that's okay.
[29:12] So it sounds to me like maybe your partner doesn't grow or want to grow in the same way.
[29:18] I mean, I've seen this with, um, people who are religious versus spiritual, like, or they have,
[29:24] um, different political views or somebody thinks that personal growth is playing video games
[29:29] while the other one is doing yoga and they can both be growth in their own ways.
[29:35] Some would disagree, but you know, the whole thing is those incompatibilities, but let's just
[29:43] say video games and yoga are the thing.
[29:46] Are you okay when they go to yoga and are they okay when you play video games?
[29:50] I think, uh, when you're okay with each other doing those things, it's okay.
[29:56] As long as you're okay with each other because you support what makes them. happy and they should
[30:00] support what makes you happy.
[30:02] I think that needs to be prevalent.
[30:04] That's how I define love.
[30:05] Supporting another person's happiness, supporting their decisions that make them happy, supporting
[30:11] everything they do to fulfill their own lives.
[30:14] And if you do that for each other, you have a great, healthy, loving relationship.
[30:19] So there's that part of it as well. Okay.
[30:22] You also said, what else did you say?
[30:23] You said, uh, this is not infidelity issue. That's good.
[30:28] I didn't think it was, but I'm glad that's not a part of it.
[30:32] And you said rather what we want life to look like kids, stability, et cetera, advice, freedom and exploration.
[30:40] So yeah, there's a, there are a lot of, there are a lot of directions that you're pointing at stability.
[30:47] That sounds like maybe financial or staying in the same house for more than five years or, um,
[30:55] uh, exploration sounds like travel or exploring what you want to do with your life. I don't know.
[31:00] It almost sounds like one of you was young and one of you is older.
[31:04] And if that's the case, that could be a big in incompatibility as well.
[31:08] If there's a 40 year old dating a 22 year old, the 40 year old may be ready to settle down.
[31:14] And the 22 year old, maybe just starting their life, trying to figure things out.
[31:20] If that's the case, the 40 year old might need to step back and say, have at it.
[31:26] This isn't my advice or my guidance.
[31:29] I'm just saying when there's an age difference like that, the younger person typically wants
[31:35] to explore and understand the world in their own way and experience the world in their own way
[31:41] and prove everyone else wrong.
[31:44] And so there's all kinds of things that they're working on and exploring.
[31:48] So if there's an age thing there, that's going to be tough.
[31:52] If one of you wants to be exploring and the other one wants to settle down, but let's just say
[31:56] it's not an age thing.
[31:58] And it really is about all this other stuff.
[32:02] That's fairly important in relationships.
[32:05] One of you wants stability.
[32:07] One of you wants to be free of bad habits, which I assume vice freedom means.
[32:14] Maybe one smokes or one drinks or both or whatever. I don't know.
[32:19] I don't know what that means, but everything else kind of lines up with the most important aspects of a relationship.
[32:26] If Asha and I moved into this house and she said, I'd like to move in a year, that would be
[32:31] pretty hard because it's going to take me a few years.
[32:39] If she's a beginner and wants to travel, that would be difficult.
[32:42] But I would ask myself, would I be okay being in this house while she goes to travel?
[32:49] First thing I would think of is, I'll travel with you.
[32:52] I haven't experienced everything in life has to offer.
[32:55] So I'm going to travel with you.
[32:57] I want to do that.
[32:58] But if she said, no, I want to travel by myself, then I would start thinking, well, this relationship
[33:03] doesn't sound like it's going to last because she wants to be on her own.
[33:07] I like relationships where we spend a lot of time together.
[33:09] See, I have values in my relationship.
[33:12] I have things that are important to me about relationships.
[33:17] Those are what I call values.
[33:20] And so when I can't get those values met, and this is probably the crux of all this, when you
[33:28] can't get your values met in a relationship, at least the highest values, the most important
[33:33] values, what's most important to you about a relationship, about having a partner in your life,
[33:39] if those aren't met, will you be okay with it?
[33:44] Because you might say, well, travel is so important to me and it's not important to my partner at all.
[33:51] If it's not met, if you don't get to travel, are you going to bring sadness into the relationship? You can be sad.
[34:04] You might even feel a little angry and resentful, but if you bring that into the relationship,
[34:09] that's when it starts falling apart.
[34:13] And what I mean by that is sometimes our resentments, our sadness, our disappointments, when
[34:20] they come into the relationship, they don't always necessarily represent what we're sad or disappointed about.
[34:26] They might represent exactly what I'm talking about here.
[34:30] Oh, I don't get to travel.
[34:31] So I'm going to give them a hard time and be passive aggressive about washing the dishes. That's what happens.
[34:38] We bring the unrelated stuff into these conversations and our person, our partner can't figure
[34:46] out why we're so upset or why we're being this way.
[34:50] Why are we acting this way?
[34:52] Why do we yell at them?
[34:54] Why do we do any of this?
[34:57] And that's when things don't get resolved because you've already had the conversation that one
[35:02] of you likes to travel or one of you likes kids and the other one doesn't.
[35:06] And now what do you do with that?
[35:08] There's no closure if you aren't willing to give in and compromise.
[35:13] And again, it could be like, okay, you know, how about like a compromise might look like this.
[35:19] Um, you like to travel.
[35:20] I don't, but I'll tell you what, why don't we take a vacation once a year and that'll satisfy your desire to travel.
[35:29] And then we'll be together and I can, um, expand on my, uh, expand my horizons a bit and, um,
[35:37] get to know the world and be with you when you are doing something that makes you happy.
[35:43] Isn't that an interesting twist?
[35:46] If you didn't catch it, it is wanting the other person to be happy, but also being with them while they're happy. What does that do? That enhances the relationship.
[35:58] Person wants kids and you say, okay, well, let's give it a shot.
[36:02] And then you see how happy they are with a kid.
[36:05] And you think, wow, what a wonderful thing has happened.
[36:09] And of course I love the kid too, because I've grown attached.
[36:12] I'm not saying this will happen.
[36:13] I'm not saying you should do this.
[36:15] I'm saying these are the kinds of things that you need to really consider because the alternative,
[36:21] the alternative to not compromising, to sticking with, with what you know to be true for you
[36:28] and not having any flexibility, you end up going in the direction that works solely for you.
[36:37] I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but if it works solely for you and it doesn't work for the
[36:42] other person, the relationship suffers.
[36:45] And it could eventually fall apart, especially if you bring the negativity back into the relationship.
[36:51] The example with one person wanting kids and the other one doesn't.
[36:56] If you want kids and your partner doesn't, and you say, well, fine, I'll be okay if we don't have kids.
[37:07] There's already a negativity forming in there, but let's just say you, okay, fine.
[37:11] I'll be okay if we don't have kids.
[37:13] I'll just play with my sister's kids and that'll be enough.
[37:17] But you're still upset about that.
[37:19] You still bring that into your life. You're feeling it. You're resenting it. You're regretting it.
[37:26] Are you going to be able to hold that in and work that through and figure that out and be okay?
[37:33] Because that's really what it comes down to.
[37:36] Being okay with the decision that you make.
[37:40] So, let me leave you with this.
[37:42] You need to be okay with the decisions that you make for yourself, for each other, for your partner.
[37:51] Because if you're not and you bring that negativity into the relationship, the relationship dissolves. It falls apart.
[37:59] If you can compromise and still have feelings about it, that's a little different.
[38:06] I mean, you have feelings, but you don't bring them to the relationship.
[38:10] If you are wanting to travel and your partner doesn't want to travel, and you have some feelings
[38:18] about that, but you can be okay with it.
[38:20] You can adjust and adapt and find ways to fulfill that in you in other ways.
[38:26] And maybe they'll join you or maybe not, but you're not bringing that anger or negativity or
[38:33] resentment or regret into the relationship.
[38:35] You're not making that a part of your everyday interaction and relating with each other and to each other. Then it can work. It can.
[38:45] Because normal couples do this all the time. You know what?
[38:49] I don't like that he smokes, but at least he goes outside and I never see the cigarettes. I never smell it.
[38:55] I never smell it on him.
[38:56] I never smell it on his clothes and we're fine with it. That happens.
[39:01] So, one person doesn't like what the other person does, but the other person does their best
[39:05] to keep it out of the relationship and keep it out of the other person's proximity in every way they can.
[39:13] So, that kind of stuff can work.
[39:16] So, there are all my thoughts and opinions.
[39:18] I'm sure I have more.
[39:19] If I ramble again, I'll probably come up with some more, but I'm not going to waste your time rambling.
[39:24] I just wanted to give you my insights and my opinions and all this stuff.
[39:29] I want to thank you for writing and I wish you the best and trying to figure out how to handle this. So, good luck.
[39:36] Thank you again for writing and thanks for listening to another episode of The Overwhelmed Brain.
[39:40] I want to thank our patrons this week.
[39:44] Always very special to my for reaching out and connecting with a person that you've never met.
[39:57] I don't think we've met and letting me know that you value what I do here.
[40:03] So, I am very, very grateful and always humbled.
[40:06] Thank you again to those who give and to those who donate like Soup.
[40:11] I haven't talked about Soup in a while.
[40:13] I never pronounce her name right.
[40:15] So, she said just call me Soup.
[40:18] She wrote, received your insightful TOB post in my inbox.
[40:22] It reminded me that your openness and wisdom have created lasting change in my life.
[40:26] I want to remind myself of that with this token of my appreciation.
[40:30] Thank you so much for your donations.
[40:31] You got one of my newsletters.
[40:34] If you want to join my newsletter list, you can do that over at TheOverwhelmedBrain.com. I am so grateful.
[40:41] Thank you so much for your donation.
[40:42] That was more than generous and I love hearing from you, Soup. So, thank you again.
[40:48] Let's talk about my other podcast, Love and Abuse.
[40:51] If you want a show on how to navigate difficult relationships, listen to that podcast over at LoveandAbuse.com.
[40:58] If you know you're the difficult one in the relationship, join the program that is helping a
[41:02] lot of people heal over at HealedBeing.com.
[41:06] With that, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions and be
[41:13] in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
[41:17] Always take steps to grow and evolve.
[41:20] You are powerful beyond measure.
[41:24] And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you, you are amazing.

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