# 8.) What Dads Wish Moms Understood

An episode of [Love, Darlene: Stepmom Life & Blended Families](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/6802500786), 5 Oct 2026, 1 h 19 min.

Audio: https://api.riverside.com/hosting-analytics/media/3fc78eb5f60089879ae0b9b81b04c86c2d0e741332ed6411498d5cee88abde8b/eyJlcGlzb2RlSWQiOiI0YmQ1MzczOS1lODg4LTQ5YmEtOGQ2Yy00NGMyMzc3OWQyMzMiLCJwb2RjYXN0SWQiOiJiZjFlY2JiNS0zNDFmLTRhNGQtOWZhNy0zMGEzMjc4NmEyZDkiLCJhY2NvdW50SWQiOiI2YTc3NmExYzllNjAxZDY2OTQzOTY2NTMiLCJwYXRoIjoibWVkaWEvY2xpcHMvNmFjMzIzNjYwYzc5NzZmMGI3ZTI5OWQxL2RhcmxlbmUtc3Bhcmtzcy1zdHVkaW8tMjAyNi0xMC01X180LTExLTIwLm1wMyJ9.mp3

AJ Adams, host of the Just My Baby Daddy podcast and founder of the JMBD Foundation, joins me for an honest conversation about fatherhood, co-parenting, accountability, and what it really means to be present. We talk about what dads often carry quietly, what women may not always see from the father’s side, where men still need to take responsibility, and how co-parenting changes when there are new relationships and blended-family dynamics involved. AJ’s message is simple: Presence > Everything. This is a candid kitchen-table conversation about dads showing up, staying involved, setting boundaries, and why fathers matter far beyond child support or every-other-weekend parenting. Follow AJ: Just My Baby Daddy Website Instagram

## Transcript

speaker-0: Hey girl, welcome to Love Darlene. I am so glad that you're here. This is where we have the real conversations about stepmom life and blended families. You know, the beautiful, the complicated, ugh, the so uncomfortable, and everything else in between. We're gonna laugh, we're gonna cry, but we're gonna learn. We're gonna look at things from different perspectives, and sometimes We might have to lovingly call ourselves out too. So if you've ever thought, somebody, please tell me that I am not the only one. You're exactly where you need to be, because girl, we've got some things to talk about. Welcome back to Love Darlene. You know, on this show we talk a lot about co parenting and blooded families, stepmoms, boundaries, and what it looks like when Two households are trying to raise the same children. But I realized something. A lot of these conversations are women talking to women about what we think dads are thinking, what we wish dads would do, or what we believe they're experiencing. And sometimes we need to stop talking about men and actually invite men to the table because there is another side to this. What does it feel like for a dad when his children aren't in his home? What does being present really mean beyond paying child support or showing up every other weekend? What happens when a father genuinely wants to be involved, but the history between the parents makes communication a little difficult? And on the flip side, where do dads need to stop blaming the circumstances and take responsibility for showing up anyway? So that's what we're gonna get into in this episode. My guest believes that presence is greater than everything. And after hearing and reading some of his story, and the work he's doing around fatherhood, I knew I wanted him sitting at this kitchen table. So I would like to welcome AJ Adams. He was the host of Just My Baby Daddy podcast and founder and president of the JMBD Foundation. So welcome to Love Darlene, AJ.
speaker-1: Thank you. ⁓ man, I wanna ⁓ I don't know how many of those questions are coming to me, but I'm I'm ready for some of those, right? They sounded really good. Like I I'm ready to answer some of those. So I'm ready. I'm ready for
speaker-0: You ready? Okay. Well, for those who don't know you, could you share a little bit about your story and ⁓ what led you to the podcast and all the things that you're doing f on behalf of dads?
speaker-1: Well, it's funny how you how you talk about listening to dads. ⁓ my podcast started well, I'm a father of three, and the podcast started ⁓ about five years ago when I was actually outside at my friend's house talking to a group of moms. And I was talking to a group of moms and they were talking about like the different issues and things they were going through. And I would give them answers and perspective from like my perspective. And I'm pretty sure some of the stuff that I was saying They probably heard before, like, from their child's father, right? And I sat right there in that moment. I said, you know, the only reason why you're listening to anything I'm saying is because I'm not him. Like, honestly. It's because I'm not, if I was your baby daddy, you probably would not pay attention to nothing I'm saying right now. Right? Because I'm pretty sure the stuff that I say, it seems like it makes sense. And I know it makes sense. Because I can say it to like, you know, my children's mothers, and but it seems like I'm speaking in French at times. Right. Right. And it's just it it's just because of who it's coming from. And that's why I decided to put a platform together where it's a lot of stuff that we as dads do talk about. We don't necessarily just talk about it in the open. And so those conversations I decided we just wanna put it out there in the open.
speaker-0: Love that. And this is the perfect place to do that. At Darlene's kitchen table. Cause I'm really excited to like pick your brains. So the first thing I want to ask you is who are you as a father?
speaker-1: Who am I as a father? I am the, in my eyes, I am the ⁓ man, I am, I want to say I'm the disciplinarian, but I'm lying. Like I am the I really want to say that I am the I am beyond the typical cool dad. Like, you know, I'm not the the fun dad. I well I am. I am the fun dad, but I'm not just the fun dad, right? I am the everything dad. I'm the fun dad that also cooks, that also will make sure you do your homework. But I know I'm not the dad that will make sure you do your homework as much as your mom does. I know I'm not that. But I know I'm the dad that my son tells me he likes his my cooking more. You know, I'm I'm the dad that, you know, does stuff like that. So I feel like I am I'm a parent. I'm not a I'm not a I'm not just a dad. I'm a parent. So if there's like what's traditional mom duties, I feel like I gotta do. I if I can't do my daughter's hair, I gotta find a way to get somewhere to get her to get her hair done. Like what it's supposed to be fought on a mom, I can't just rely on just a mom to do. If it's my time, it's my time. You know, so I feel like I'm a parent. I don't know how else to describe it. I'm just a parent.
speaker-0: that because I think people just assume that men only do the like the providing and the disciplinarian and everything else is left up to the mom. And the fact that you make it a point to do all of like everything despite what your gender is. Like if it's cooking, you're doing if it's cleaning, you're doing it. It's like, ⁓ that's for the woman to do. ⁓ curious though, what is your custody agreement with your ⁓ with your co-parent?
speaker-1: So with my oldest two, I have them like I have them summers, I have them spring break. We don't live too far away, so I have them every other weekend, but I'm not just a every other weekend dad. There's ever something going on during the week, I'm there. Daughter's appointments, I'm there. I I hate even talking about the custody of dreaming because that's kind of what I have to do. That's not what I do. Do. My youngest, like 50-50, seven days on, seven days off. And I was doing that when she was one years old. You know, so from the whole time it's just been me and her, and she's three now. So it's the custody agreement, it is what it is, but the custody agreement doesn't define like my time. And and that's one thing that I almost hated to have to go to and do because I was always afraid of Whatever's on this paper, it's only what I'm gonna get. And so, you know, that was one of the things that did make me nervous about doing the whole custody thing.
speaker-0: Did you feel like it was gonna be held over your head kind of thing?
speaker-1: Yeah, like, you know, if this the paper says it, what does the paper say? Like, hey, I'm you know, I'm about to go out of town. Like what does the paper say? I don't wan and I don't wanna get into like that's not that's not the type of type of way I wanna live my life.
speaker-0: So you would probably want something like even though on paper this is what it says, you're more fluid, you're very more you're more involved than what that paper.
speaker-1: Want is all my children under my one roof. That's what I would want. But that's not it's not the way it is.
speaker-0: Yeah. What are the relationships with your kids with each other?
speaker-1: They love each other. Absolutely. Well, I mean, the oldest two, they love each other, but they're one year apart. They're eleven and twelve. One's a girl, one's a boy. They just bumping heads. But they absolutely love each other. And then the little one, you mean everybody loves the baby. She runs everybody, but everybody loves the baby.
speaker-0: She's the boss.
speaker-1: Yeah. And that's something that I am that I was ⁓ I was very deliberate about is how the agreements and things are set up with that. Whenever I have them, I have them all. So I don't I make sure that there's there's times where if I have my my youngest for seven days, three of those days I have the oldest two, making sure we all, you know, have the time she at least has her older siblings around.
speaker-0: Good, good. Have you ever ⁓ been in a situation where you wanted all the kids and it didn't follow the custody schedule? Like were you ever given a hard time to get them?
speaker-1: I wouldn't say necessarily a hard time, but I would just stay scheduling getting aligned. And I may it may be a time where, you know, I may want everybody, but if one mom got something going on, then and it's their time, it's their time.
speaker-0: Yeah. So you do your best to follow the schedule when it comes to timing. And anything were to come up
speaker-1: Yeah, I tr I don't even try to even think about nothing that ain't on my time. If it's my time, it's my time.
speaker-0: Amen. I'm the same way. ⁓
speaker-1: time is my now I will ta I will take I will take on extra time but I don't try to you know like yeah I will take on extra time but it's I don't really try to ask for it.
speaker-0: You shared that growing up with your without your dad, ⁓ you value it made you value the role as a father even more. How did not having him shape the man and father you eventually became?
speaker-1: Well, so not having him it it it did a lot. As far as shaping it shaped the image of what I thought a father was because I didn't have one. I was left to my own imagination. ⁓ no, I had let me not say I didn't have one. I had a father, right? My father was killed when I was four. So I had a father until I was four. But in four years old, your father's a superhero, right? Or if he dies as a superhero, then all I know is a father is a superhero. And that's something that I always wanted to do. Like I didn't not in some weird, like I wanna be incredible Hawk, ⁓ Iron Man Comic Con. Like I mean like really like that's something that drove inside of me that I really, really always wanted to do. Had a passion, dudes. I always wanted to be a father. Like I always thought that I can impact and change so much just being a dad, because I felt like if my dad was around, my life would have been so much different. Whether it's true or not, right? It's what I believe growing up. Now, as I've gotten older, do I believe the same beliefs and everything? No. Right? He's just a human, very flawed. Very, very flawed human. Right? And but we all are. So I don't I don't think it's the same thing, but I always still strive to try to be that, try to be the ultimate superhero, especially to my children.
speaker-0: So then your message is presence is greater than everything. So what does presence mean to you? ⁓
speaker-1: Presence to me is when for a child, when it feels like the world is totally against you, it feels like you're lost and you have nowhere else to go, you always know that right around the corner, dad is right there. That no matter what you you're never going into any situation alone, no matter what it is, you always have someone there to have your back. Someone that is always there. Visually there, physically there, in the flesh, that if you need me at any point, I'm there. That's that's what presence is for me.
speaker-0: I love that. So let me switch it a little bit. So a man can pay child support. He could pick up the kids every other weekend. He can technically meet every requirement. But can he still be an absent father?
speaker-1: I mean, yeah. I mean you can you can pick your kids up every other week and then drop them off at grandmama's house and let them raise them. Like I mean, there's there's stipulations to everything. But I don't think that has to do with whether you're in the household or not. You can n I hear I talked to dad so many times that grew up that say they grew up I didn't understand until I got older and started talking to more and more fathers. Like they said they grew up with her. absent father that was in the household. You know, ⁓ it's about the intentional timing that you're spending with the children is what that real presence comes in. ⁓
speaker-0: Okay, so what does a present dad know about his children that somebody who is simply fulfilling their obligations probably doesn't know?
speaker-1: How they actually feel. ⁓ Like, how they how they deeply and ask what they're going through. You know what I mean? Like, I don't I don't wanna just say stuff like, ⁓ their teacher's name. Like, it don't take much to Google. You know what I mean? I don't. I do not know all these teachers' names. What I gotta know it for. If I need it, I can Google it. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's impressive. You can ⁓ you can memorize names. Whoop de doo. That don't mean absolutely anything to me. Like, but how does your child feel? How they doing right now? Like, who is there anybody bothering them? Like, how how their friends, what's their friends' names? What their friends do, what they got going on? What are they into right now? Like, do you know anything about that? ⁓ your child decided to all of a sudden change their hair. Completely. Cut their hair off. Why is that? You have no idea, though they just wanted to do it for no reason? ⁓ okay. They never seen nobody else do it? You never taught them about it? All right. Like that type of stuff you know if you're a present dad. You actually get to know about your children.
speaker-0: So let me ask I'ma add I'ma put myself out there. So I am a mom of twins and my kid's father, he's always lived at minimum eight hours away. So when it comes to being involved in their lives, my perception is he's content with the one weekend out of the month and then the rotating at the holidays and stuff like so he doesn't reach out to me about school. ⁓ sports, grades, all things. He goes through the kids to ask those questions. In the in a situation like that, 'cause I don't bother him about it. Like I've just accepted that's what it is. But ⁓ do you think it's beneficial though to still talk with your co parent to truly know what's going on? 'Cause they're twelve. So there's only so much that they can tell him.
speaker-1: So Yes. But I I I can understand. It depends on how that relationship. I don't know y'all's relationship. So the volatility in it can play a huge part. Because sometimes it's just easier to avoid that volatility just to go through the kids. And, you know, the answer that that he gets from the kids might be a completely different answer than you give. And but
speaker-0: Right.
speaker-1: What might happen sometime. The reason why it will be good for communication is so y'all too can see what the kids are telling each of you. Right. Because the kids can be telling him one thing, we're telling you another thing. But one thing that has to happen is both parties gotta be understanding that the kids might be lying to one of y'all. For y'all. Mm-hmm. Or both of y'all. Yeah. So you you both have to be willing to keep that in mind because I I
speaker-0: ⁓
speaker-1: come across circumstances and situations where, you know, because of how I am as the parent, my kids might be a certain way with and around me. And it's like, well, why are they acting that way around you? Are maybe that's the way they really are, or outside of around both of us, and they acting a certain way around you that they're not really themselves. But we We don't know which one it is. Don't know which one it is, but we gotta be open to discuss it and figure out, hey, are they really as wild and crazy as they are around me? Or are they really yes ma'am, no ma'am, like they are around you? Or are they somewhere in the middle?
speaker-0: It's good. I know for us, ⁓ we really don't talk, like I said, but when it's time to talk, ⁓ I will give us that. We'll handle business and keep it going. But yeah. One of the things Yeah. One of the things I just wish he would do is just be more present because he does live so far away. I would love for him to spend the weekend here with the boys and like see their environment or come to school events or, you know. I wish he would be more involved because I could tell that they want him to. When they were in therapy, they told the therapist that they wished he was our neighbor so that he could be around more. So
speaker-1: Yeah. And well, so you know, it can also be very hard for him to to hear. So we gotta, we gotta, we gotta also give grace and understand that it may take some time for them to understand the impact that they're going through. Or for them to deal with like, because that's gonna be a hard thing to deal with. Like, yeah, I want to be the neighbor, but I can't. Like and but no child's wanna just understand that.
speaker-0: Yeah, they've asked him like if he would ever move closer so that he can be more more involved. Okay, one of the things you wrote or you shared, let me say one of the things you shared was that people often misunderstand and assume dads are just out having like the time of their lives, which I have been guilty of that. when the kids are not with them, right? So I would like to like talk about it and what does off time actually feel like for a father who wants to be Like with his children. Like, are you out there having a great time? Like, yeah, the kids aren't here or
speaker-1: can I can presently speak to that as someone who's just come off of ⁓ having all of them. Well, I still have the same, the little one, the one week on, one week off, but having the older ones with me the whole time ⁓ without them is like the loudest silence of all time. It is You gotta imagine, like, is hearing just constant noise. Noise, like it's just noise, but it's to go from that to just nothing. And especially when you want that noise. Like, it's one thing if it's just noise, but it's something you want. It's something you have all the time, all the time, all the time, and then it's just gone. Then when it's gone, you're sitting back trying to recover from the fact of like, damn, I had everything I wanted. Just, just, I just had a taste of everything I wanted, and now it's gone. And everybody else is sitting there, like, ⁓ well, it's all right. You got your free time. Then you got your free time. Like, no, I don't want my free time. I want that feeling that I had. Like I don't have that. So what am I out doing? I don't know. I'm sitting back, just killing time, waiting till the next time I can get that time. Now, I should be I should be doing I me personally, I do a lot outside of just my work, outside of my foundation, outside of the pot. I I do a lot. Right? So I I I keep myself busy, but that's all I'm doing, is just being busy. I'm not being fulfilled. I'm not being full. I'm not being whole. So I'm running around faking like I'm extremely happy or faking like I'm I'm complete when I'm not. Because when I end of the day when I go back to that house, I'm going back to a house that does not fulfill me. So I'm going back to just this brick place that I feel like home when I have my children, but instead it's just a house. Like I'm Luth Van Jos or something. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah yeah. It just it's just a house because I like like I I pay a whole I pay a good amount of money for a nice home. But I only get that home half the time. The other time I'm
speaker-0: Yeah. Yeah.
speaker-1: For those who really, really want to be active all the time, Dad, it is not the party, it is not the like I'm outside, I'm on a trip, I ain't got the kids, I'm this. No, I don't give a damn about none of that. I wanna get what I might do, I might work as hard, double, might take doubles, might do whatever. So I'm working more. So if the time comes and mom says, Hey, I might need to hey, give ⁓ to me. I got ⁓ I'm fully prepared and I'm ready. That's all I'm doing. When I don't have them, I'm preparing myself to be ready to take ⁓ That's all I'm doing.
speaker-0: Yeah. That's good. So do you think dads like grieve the ordinary moments that they miss, such as not just like not Christmas or like birthdays, but like homework or the bedtimes or, you know, the random Tuesday dinner?
speaker-1: Missed the random Tuesday dinner. Okay. I did the bedtime. I the homework I don't miss. No, I missed the I missed it because I do when they're with me, I don't know how they do like at the other house, but when we eat, we all eat together. Which, you know, not a big thing, not a huge thing, but it's a thing. Like I didn't do it, but it seemed like it became a thing that I didn't realize we were doing, but we do. And when we do it, 'cause I cook. They y'all goddamn y'all gotta eat right now or it's over. You know what I mean? So like we all eat together.
speaker-0: And per your son, you're a very good cook.
speaker-1: Right.
speaker-0: ⁓ all of them say that? Okay.
speaker-1: But one barely talks, but I mean she don't say no we don't say no.
speaker-0: She don't turn it down. Okay, so here's another question I have for you. So do men talk about what you're saying to each other? Or do do most men carry it quietly?
speaker-1: If you have a good village, you do. If you don't, then you gotta carry it silently by yourself and there's a lot that have to carry it silently by yourself. Or there's a lot there's a lot there's not even there's a lot that let their pride and ego won't let them admit that you have flaws. Or that you're on to problems.
speaker-0: Yeah. Well how do men find their community? Well, how do they find their village? What are ways to do it?
speaker-1: So that's why I feel like I've been blessed because I've I've been one that's moved around so much that I've always been able to just talk to people. ⁓ the one thing I say is in order to find your village, first you need to find yourself. You need to find what you really genuinely care about, what interests you, and then you'll find your village there. You will attract the energy around what you need. If you like to start golfing, if it's like like I said, man, there's people out here That dress up, grown ass men that dress up as like furry animals. They found their village. You know what I'm saying? Because they found what they like. I mean, what you gotta do, you gotta find yourself, be open and secure of what you like, what you wanna be, and then eventually you'll start living that life. Going to those places that you wanna be. Don't be afraid of it because there's somebody else in the in there that guarantee you're probably doing the same thing, going through the same thing. So first find yourself, go into the places, take those adventures that you wanna take, and just do it from there.
speaker-0: Good. I like that. Do you think fathers sometimes feel like they're not allowed to say that they're hurting because everybody assumes that it's the mother who's carrying the emotional
speaker-1: I mean we're not allowed to say we're hurting because it please don't and if you do, please don't say it on social media because ⁓ my God. ⁓ As soon as you say, ⁓ God, I'm tired. Welcome to the world of mother. This is how we feel every day. Welcome to mom's world. ⁓ my God. Ooh, you want pity now? We cook we clean. Like
speaker-0: Attack you on social media, man. So it
speaker-1: Damn, I said nothing about y'all. I just said I'm tired. Like, no, we're not allowed we're not allowed to be tired. But you know what I realized? Like, we're not allowed to do anything. So I ain't allowed to do it. I'm tired. I am hot and proud. I don't care what you say. You you ain't look, man, you can put stu yeah, guess what? I can. I'm tired. You not living my life. Leave me the f I can be And do whatever I want to do. You know what I mean? Like, I have to live this. If I'm tired, I gotta take that moment. I'm gonna take that moment. And you can't tell me anything about it. Because when I'm ultimately tired and dead, you're not laying down there beside me, are you? No. You ain't gonna be there like, ⁓ I guess you was right. No, so let me go. Let me live my life the way I if I'm tired. They're not gonna the world's not gonna view you as tired. So you gotta take it yourself. Take it yourself. We're not allowed to be tired. And I like a lot of
speaker-0: Me and my husband have these conversations all the time 'cause I love to pick his brain and you're saying a lot of things that he's said to me. ⁓ 'cause he's been involved in like fathers' coalition where we are and, you know, speaking with other men and it's seems to be like a common theme with the conversation he has. So, so then what do you wish mothers understood about fathers who genuinely want to be involved that they don't truly understand?
speaker-1: Imagine whatever feelings you feel about that child. Just imagine you had the same feelings, but you just peed standin' up. We feel the same shit. Feel the same thing. You know what I mean? Like, it like, no, you couldn't imagine only seeing your child every other weekend. You think when the baby was born, I thought that? Or I could be okay with that? Like, hey, the way you feel about that child, it may seem mind-boggling that you can't believe it, but someone feels the same way. Shit happens.
speaker-0: Yeah. Yeah.
speaker-1: Yeah. ⁓ But the ones that I am speaking to, it's obvious they'll want to be there. Like, they really do. It may seem unbelievable, but yes, guess what? I love my kids just as much as you do. And I can't say I love them more because that'll be rude, even if I feel that way. I won't say it.
speaker-0: How dare you? Yeah. Okay. So I wanna be fair on on this on the other side too. So sometimes ⁓ women here, she makes it difficult for me to see my kids. And and sometimes that absolutely may be true. But when does that become an excuse?
speaker-1: What does it become an excuse? When you know you're not really doing all that you can. She makes it difficult. Did the courts? ⁓ no, you didn't go to court because you didn't want to. ⁓ okay. All right. Did you really do all you could to try? Did you exhaust all that you could? Would you be able to look back at yourself and say, honestly, like, Damn, I have no more left to try. Honestly, most of the time we got more to give. It's what do we want to give more? And it's like, well, what do you want ultimately the most? And I I will I give everything I can. I resolved all I have to make sure I'm be there. So you know, it's much easier said than done. But you know, you
speaker-0: Yeah.
speaker-1: What your threshold is is what your threshold is. But make sure you get to your threshold. Don't quit beforehand, 'cause it could be a great reward on the other side.
speaker-0: I think that's what happens a lot is that they get discouraged.
speaker-1: It's easy to do so. It's easy to do so and then it then you know it becomes a certain point of a battle of attrition when it comes to money at times. Court, custody, all this other stuff. Just go till you can't no more.
speaker-0: So what do you say to the man who's listening, who's decided, you know, it's just too much drama. So I'm just gonna back all the way. I'm I'm just gonna back away.
speaker-1: What do I say to that man?
speaker-0: Yeah.
speaker-1: ⁓ imagine how much further in life you would have been if somebody did not do that to you.
speaker-0: That's good.
speaker-1: That's real good. And if and if some and if someone was there for you that entire time, imagine where you would have been if they weren't. Yeah. Now imagine that life of your children. You did that. So at the end of the day you can blame her. You there too.
speaker-0: So pretty much it's what I s what I hear is it takes self reflection and accountability as well.
speaker-1: Totally. You gotta Reason why things don't work out. Always out for it. Take it, deal with it, move on. If anyone asks you why your relationship doesn't did not work, you should not mention her at all. Talk about everything you did. Can't worry about somebody else's energy, somebody else's what they did, what they didn't do. You can only deal with what you did and what you're gonna do moving forward, and that's it. That's it. Anything else will drive you crazy.
speaker-0: think a lot of men let me not say every man, but I think men come across their exes who could be difficult and they will run their name through the mud and say all the things that he's not doing when he actually is doing the said things. And so at what point does being a father require you to keep showing up, even when showing up makes you uncomfortable?
speaker-1: Yeah You weren't comfortable when you was on that damn couch when she gave birth. Never comfortable. So what? But you were there. Why stop now? I mean I I got I ain't got much I ain't got no deep answer to that. Like you was there before. You can be there now.
speaker-0: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. ⁓ okay. So your whole platform started from a really interesting realization. Like you said earlier, you were having conversations with women about co parenting and you realized with them hearing it from you, they were able to receive it better because it wasn't coming from the father of their kids. So do you think sometimes history between like between the two, so between dad and mom? get so loud that they stop hearing like the actual message of what's going on.
speaker-1: mean we don't like I said before, it's been times where I feel like, you know, we're talking to each other in plain English and and it seems like I'm talking in German and she's hearing me in French. And and I'm hearing her in Portuguese. Like it's just it's just like we're not talking it's like nothing nothing's flowing. Yeah. Nothing's flowing. And then when nothing's flowing, sometimes it's it's like frustration comes and the frustration comes out in pure English. And once that frustration comes in English, everything else shuts down and communication just stops. So it is this yes, that happens. That h
speaker-0: So resentment toward the messenger caused someone to reject something that actually might be reasonable. Because ⁓ even yeah, because even like in as a stepmom, I'll tell another stepmom, Hey, you were wrong for that. Like this is how you probably should have handled it because it would have been da da da da da. Some people are receptive, some of them are not. And so, ⁓ but I sometimes I think that they're so blinded by their feelings or whatever they're personally working through that they miss the heart of the message. What are fathers trying to communicate that, you know, you think mothers sometimes genuinely aren't hearing?
speaker-1: Really wanna be there. I I can't again, I'm not speaking for all for I but we really wanna be there. We really want to be there. That whole narrative of apt and f I don't I don't know I don't know any dad that says, Man, I'm ready to have a kid and the kid comes and say, Yeah, I d I really don't just wanna be I don't wanna be here. I don't know of any. I'm not saying they don't exist. I just don't
speaker-0: Yeah. So what do men stop saying because they've learned this conversation isn't going anywhere?
speaker-1: What if we learn to stop saying because this conversation isn't going anywhere?
speaker-0: Yeah.
speaker-1: You're wrong. Yeah. No point of saying you're wrong, because at the end of the day, she's gonna be right, even if she's wrong. So do not say you're wrong. Or or or don't say calm down.
speaker-0: Yeah, don't do that. I don't like Yeah, don't tell me to calm down.
speaker-1: Yeah. Yeah. Just don't calm down. Which is the calm which is the weirdest thing in the world. Don't say calm down. Please. Don't don't do that one.
speaker-0: Okay, that's what I'm saying. Okay, and then where do men need to communicate better instead of just saying, Forget it, she'll never listen?
speaker-1: Actually explaining your feelings. If she doesn't feel if she doesn't listen, if she doesn't validate them, if she doesn't pay attention to them, at least you know at the end of the day you tried your best to explain it to her. And there's no way if anything happens, she'd be like, Well, how do I know? You don't know. No, I've explained it to you. And I've tried my best. And I've tried to explain it to you in multiple times, multiple ways. And you're not trying to even listen to me. But you have to make sure and and you do it on a regular basis and not just when you're upset.
speaker-0: That's real good. Okay, so I'm gonna transition a little bit. ⁓ so as you know, my platform is I speak to a lot of stepmoms and blended family dynamics and ⁓ a lot of women who are either married or in a relationship with a man that has children. So when a father enters a new relationship, what responsibility does he have to create that's clear, like clear boundaries between his co parent and And the relationship and the relationship he's building now. Like what are things that should be in place when he starts dating?
speaker-1: What should be in place is it's gonna sound weird to say it's gonna sound very generic, but what needs to be in place is whatever dynamic will work between you and your co-parent. You know your co-parent better than most. You don't need what the outside world says looks right. You don't need the dying, you know the dynamic of who that person is. I might be the type because I'm I am the one that says, you know, there's no way that anyone will meet my children prior to meeting my co-parent. I I would like that dynamic. Others might know their co-parent is very volatile. And the type, like, I don't want nobody around my and like, yay, but you know what's gonna have to happen? You gotta figure out how to navigate, like, you know. ⁓ but one thing that I that has to be put in place is that we all understand that this new person is here, and the only way this person is around is. Because they are important and they are really here to stick around. I I'm not gonna have just anyone and everyone around my children. That is for me, that is something that needs to be put in place. Because what you're going to start to do is build. Build children in the mindset of you're gonna have your children start to believe that relationships don't matter. Because they're already seeing one relationship, one major relationship dynamic fall apart, which is you and you know, the parents. So you can't just have a rotating door of people in and out. That would be my biggest thing is
speaker-0: Yeah.
speaker-1: Do not do that because then they just want to think that off. Relationships don't matter. And it'll just be a continuous cycle as they become adults.
speaker-0: Yeah. Is there a difference between introducing the kids to someone you're in a relationship versus someone you're considering being a relationship? Because I've met a lot of people who may like somebody, bring them around the kids, but they don't introduce them to the kids in a romantic way, just saying like, ⁓ this is daddy's friend or this is mommy's friend.
speaker-1: point of doing that 'cause eventually they're gonna say, Well, I was around mommy's friend
speaker-0: Cool.
speaker-1: I was around your mama for all these goddamn years. She ain't never told me her friend named Reggie. Like, what are you talking about? No. No. She don't your mama don't have no friend named. She has a boyfriend that I should have met. Like, no, I don't mean I don't ⁓ I don't subscribe to that. Mm-hmm. Because you ain't my if you ain't romantically involved, you ain't gonna be my friend. Anyway. So
speaker-0: Yeah.
speaker-1: What's the point of faking it for the kids? We either gonna go all the way in or we're not?
speaker-0: I guess some people think like, Well, I have friends that are genuinely just friends, so it's not any different. So the kids are not gonna figure it out that
speaker-1: Many times we got these friends that just hear and dawn and hear and dawn and here and on.
speaker-0: Yeah, I don't disagree. My husband is the only man my kids have ever met.
speaker-1: And my children have only met my oldest two have only met my youngest one's mother. My youngest one has met no one.
speaker-0: Okay. Okay. So so w with talking about that, because as you said, on my comments, my comment section, a lot of people feel that ⁓ dads are just looking for someone to take over his responsibility. That's why he's in a relationship. What are your thoughts on that?
speaker-1: I I cook, I clean, like I don't I don't I if I need I if I need a old pair I can get one.
speaker-0: So what do you look for as a dad when you're g getting into relationship? What are things that you're looking for when you bring somebody into your dynamic? Are you wanting somebody to help with dinner, help with homework, ⁓ go to the games, or do you want them like completely hands off? Because there's this phrase in the stepmom community called nacho, nacho kid, nacho parent. completely hands off and I just know for me I didn't want that for my husband.
speaker-1: Not your man. That's how about that? I will I'm not your man if you're gonna be hands off my damn kids. Do I do I need you to be any of that? No. Would I would I be with someone who doesn't want to do that? No. Like I'll whoever I'm with, I want to do the things that make them happiest in the world. I wanna be a part of the things that make them. The absolute happiest that they can be. Anyone that knows me, the happiest thing I can do and be around is my children. And so if you don't want to be around or part of that, then you really don't want me to be happy, then I don't want you. I'm not your man.
speaker-0: Yeah. Okay. So let's let's let's add another layer to it. Let's say you're married and she's doing all the things, but your co-parent has a problem with it and is creating it making it difficult for your your wife. How do you handle that?
speaker-1: Yes. She's making doing all the things and making what difficult.
speaker-0: So what happens ⁓ in this in the the space of the stepmom realm is that just what you said, dad is fully capable of doing the things, but he wants his wife, his partner to be a part of that. Yes. Or taking them to practice or doing
speaker-1: She mad that you cooking dinner for the kids? The same thing, just like you know, I would have to suck it up if someone's taking my son to practice. Like, bro, if you wanted to be a part and make those part of decisions about what happens in my house, you shouldn't never left the house.
speaker-0: Okay now, come on.
speaker-1: Like and that goes both ways. I can't I cannot I cannot and that's what I tell dudes like, Hey man, once once you're out the house, can't control what happens.
speaker-0: But that's my baby though, that's my child and I have every right to know what's going on. I have every right to know
speaker-1: Right, you can know. I I let you know.
speaker-0: But I have a right for you to consider what I want because I can consider every day I come first. I come first as the bio mom. I come first as your baby.
speaker-1: Consider everything. I don't have to do anything.
speaker-0: Can say that again say that again so that the men listening and the women listening?
speaker-1: I can consider everything. I don't have to do anything. Right. Thank you for your time. ⁓ Yeah, like, yeah. ⁓ you know, you should think about okay, I will. I'm gonna think about it.
speaker-0: Yeah. Do you say that just to like keep the peace? Like just like, okay, just be quiet. Or do you really consider
speaker-1: I I mean what am I gonna do? We am I gonna am I gonna I cannot argue about a consideration. Like, you can't tell me whether or not I'm really considering something or not. Just because I didn't do it, I didn't consider it. Maybe I considered it and said no.
speaker-0: No, that can't happen. Yeah. Your your partner. Your partner is the reason why you said no, because you weren't doing that before.
speaker-1: You're right. You're right. You know, the great thing about growth and age, you get smarter with it. I'm sorry I was stupid before. Which is evident why we're here now and we just got them sorry.
speaker-0: these kids and these house
speaker-1: That's why we're here in first place. But we're smarter than
speaker-0: No, we should have
speaker-1: Right, but no. I mean, they can't You want me to stop my I'm not I am not I I I have before been guilty of that.
speaker-0: Okay, so that was my next question. So can a father be so focused on keeping the peace with his children's mother, you know, that it interferes with the relationship he's trying to build? And there's a lot of women on here that listen who are in those positions. And so like what do you have to say about that?
speaker-1: Is done to be completely honest, is done out of fear. A lot of men are scared of their baby mama. Yell why?
speaker-0: Yeah.
speaker-1: What's the most precious thing to you?
speaker-0: The child or the children. So you don't want her to keep them from you.
speaker-1: That's the more not even keep it, but it can make things difficult. Like the thing that we want more than anything is to keep the peace. And the hard The hard part of it becomes, and it's it's almost like it's almost like and it's it's unfair and it goes unrecognized that when it's not done on purpose, that sometimes the new person, especially in the beginning, gets the short end of the stick. And the reason is though, is because we have to be hyper protective of what we have. Which is the children. And it's no slight to to the new person at all. And it may seem like, yo, I'm kissing this girl's ass. Well, you may see it as me kissing this girl's ass. I see it as me picking up my son whenever I We're looking at two totally different things. Because we can figure out eventually the emotions behind me, you know. kissing this girl's ass and I navigate it and I'ma build up the strength and I'ma be there. We're gonna we're gonna I'm gonna build up that callous to deal with this damn lashes that I'm getting back from whatever it is we gotta deal with, right? And we're gonna do that together. But you gotta understand that for me to be willing to do that, you gotta be important to me. And like you're asking a lot of me. Because you're putting me cause guess what? At the end of this If you leave, I still got these wounds. And ain't nobody here to help me fix these shits but myself. And now I done risked all of this in an in the in a completely f this relationship between. And it's not it's not because I want a relationship with the mom.
speaker-0: Yeah.
speaker-1: It hinders the relationship between me and the mom, and that hinders between me and the children now. And the stakes are really, really, really high. I mean, you get into a relationship, all of a sudden it seems like child support or something happens. We both taste this. Like, stuff like that. Like it's a lot, it's a lot of things that come into it. It is a lot. And so while you might think, like, ⁓ yeah, why you acting like she got control over you, like, hey, man. She got control over these kids right now. And why do you just go to co are you gonna pay for these lawyer fees?
speaker-0: That's the thing everybody says online is like go to court and I understand that, but just to sit down with the lawyer you're paying money. And who knows how long it's gonna look like to drag everything out. Sometimes is it worth it? One. And two, what are you gonna put the kids through if you go that route?
speaker-1: I mean and and course never friendly. Like, ⁓ you what, we can't figure it out. Let's just go to court there. Let the judge decide we'll be all right. Like it shit don't work like that. You know, and so all of these things are potential when dating something. Like when really taking someone serious, I don't think that it's and and we could say all we want to about, you know, shouldn't care, it don't be like that. Okay. I got a platform with a lot of dads that will tell you that's the way it goes. Seems like as soon as they get into something else, or the type the ones that say, I she'll never do okay.
speaker-0: Well, I'm glad you said that because even when me and my husband were dating, he knew that she might like get upset and eventually calm down. It never really calmed down. And I don't know, it seems to be a running theme. And so what can us women do when we find a man that we truly care about and we're getting to know and all the things and Now he has to deal with that. Like what would you tell us on how to handle it? Because we do take it personal and we want to fend for our man.
speaker-1: And listen, rub his back. And when he puts his head in your lap, just rub his head and let him let it, he ain't gonna try alive, but just let that little tear come out a little bit and be all right, like shit ain't it ain't really much. It ain't really much because it's very hard to talk about it. I don't want to necessarily tell everything that I'm going through because if you care about me and I'm hurting this way, you're gonna feel some type of way about the person that's hurting me.
speaker-0: Yeah. True.
speaker-1: I don't wanna create that dynamic. So I'll deal with that hurt myself. And what I but this but this
speaker-0: Burden though for you to carry. Maybe not a burden, but it's it's like an emotional
speaker-1: Weight it's a weight A but again this the weight that I chose when whether I I say I chose whether or not you chose to leave the house or not. It's the weight that happens when you leave that house. You can't, you can't have things easy. You want it easy. It ain't easy when you're living in the house. It ain't it ain't gonna be easy when you're outside the house. You can't have, you're gonna have to carry something. Right? You're gonna have to carry that one on. You might have to carry that one on your own. Because you do not want to give this negative connotation between the two.
speaker-0: Yeah.
speaker-1: That's the last thing you wanna do. And so if your baby mama f you, you take it on the chin. You don't need to involve this new woman. All you need to do is say, baby, I I just give me a hug. Be that. Woman, just be that. Because he ain't gonna tell you like, or if he is, you know, you don't want you also, woman, you don't want a man that's gonna be sitting there like,
speaker-0: Okay ladies, you hear that?
speaker-1: I can't stand this bitch. He every time she like you don't want a man that's doing that either, you know? So it's like, you know, we that's just make it stronger, fuck it. Build can do your bid and you you know. Part of the game. It's part of it.
speaker-0: So like so that part is one element. Now when they're around your kids and your kids like her, that can add another layer to the issues she's already giving because of the fact that you're in a relationship. So like how do you deal how do we deal with that? How do you as a dad deal with it and how does the new partner deal with that? ⁓
speaker-1: ⁓ with the mom not liking the new partner because the kids like
speaker-0: relationship with yeah, 'cause a lot of I'm guilty of that. Like, you know, like it's just they're not happy about it.
speaker-1: I would deal with that. So I to be totally transparent. It's not a situation I've had to deal with. But how do I, and of course, everything hypothetical is easier to say, right? How do I think I would deal with it? ⁓ I don't know if I didn't. I might not be the best answer to this at times because especially if my kids are really happy. I tell her, bitter ass, go somewhere. Like, what am I, what do you want me to do? Like, what am I supposed to do? Impede my children's happiness? What I would do is, I would be like, yo, so you're upset because our children are happy. That's all I would say. I will say, so you're upset because our children are happy spending time with someone. And I will leave it at that. I'd say, well, I can't help you with that. And I want that person to just sit with that. I'm so I'm sorry, you're I'm sorry I'm having our kids have fun. Would you like for me to tell the kids not to have fun? Is that what you want me to do? You want me the kids to not have fun because you don't like her. But they do. And she's still gonna be around, and you're gonna continue to not like her, and they're gonna continue to like her. And they're gonna like me. Eventually it's gonna be two on one.
speaker-0: Yeah.
speaker-1: They don't like everything in this house. I mean, you might want to get your ass on board too, or they may ass might not like you. How about that?
speaker-0: Yeah. So what about the loyalty binds? 'Cause a lot of children in blended families deal with that, where one parent is speaking negatively about the other household and what goes over there, putting the kids in the middle to feel like they have to be mindful with having fun over here or the things that they say.
speaker-1: I think a lot of that starts by the confidence in which in relationship you build with the children. The parent does. Not not the person that they're in a relationship with, with the parent does. The parent needs to let that child know and build to the point where that child understands that. This is home. I don't want this to feel like this is a temporary place. This is home. You be yourself. You are the way you are at home. When you feel like you're just at dad's house, instead of feeling like you're fully endorfed at being home, you might feel like you can act different. But when you're home, you're home. So don't worry about what that shit is. None of that matters. Because you're home here.
speaker-0: Yeah.
speaker-1: You understand when you're home, you're home. I wanna say what your mama say. But that's right. That's great what she says in her house. My kids ended that I ended that very, very, very early. My kids understood there's a distinct difference between mama's house and my house. Cause they said first time they start saying something about when that mom house, I say, look at me. Look at your mother. Yeah. They know? like her house? No. They ended up there. So like, ⁓ you gonna be what she says there, don't control what happens here.
speaker-0: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I really do like that just because I think so many like in blended families we deal with that a lot. As a stepmom or in the stepmom community, they deal with the loyalty binds and so they see the children being torn. But I like that you said the relationship you have with your kids plays a part in that too. So if they see it as I'm just going to dad's house, then It's easier for mom to say those things and it infiltrate and affect how they are when they are at dad's house.
speaker-1: That's the presence thing. Like my my kids, mother, could say whatever they want to about, and not saying that they do. They can say whatever they want to about me. My kids got their own opinion of me. Cause they see me, they know me. So no matter what they say, they're gonna know, they're gonna form their own opinion. And that's because I'm there. That's because I'm there. They don't get a chance then I don't let nobody else create the narrative because I'm there.
speaker-0: That's good. Alrighty. So I'm gonna switch it over a little bit as we move forward in this direction of I want you to talk directly to the dads who may listen from your following or from mine. ⁓ what would you tell the dad who thinks paying child support means he's done his part? Like, hey, I paid my child support this month, I'm good to go.
speaker-1: If you are in a place where you can actually be around your kids and all you do is pay child support, you've done nothing. mean if you can if if you if there's nothing preventing you, ⁓ like no baby mom just you just like, hey, I I'm busy, like you doing the you're you're doing the bare minimum again, like, what would you have wanted when you were younger? Like be the dad you would have. You wouldn't have wanted just a a paycheck dad. Be the dad you would have wanted.
speaker-0: It definitely puts it back on you to show up. 'Cause if you didn't have a present dad or anything like that, you're gonna wanna do the opposite because of how it affected you. Mm-hmm. Yeah. All right. So what would you tell the father who gets every other weekend and has started believing that the maximum relationship he can have with his children, like every other weekend that's all he can have.
speaker-1: I mean, is that l legally all they can have?
speaker-0: Yes. He just gets them every other weekend, holidays, and he feels like his relationship is only gonna be based off of that. Like is there hope for him to grow a deeper relationship with the kids?
speaker-1: Yeah, I mean shit that weekend could be the best time of their life every single time they have it. You know what I mean? It's you When you get to a certain point, like especially when you know it's limited, you have to you're gonna have to stop stop worrying about the number of days. Like you got you gotta stop counting the days and make the days count. Right? You got to make sure that whenever they are, it's something that matters. It could be something small. But you gotta make sure that you're doing something to make sure that they know that you're care or that you're attentive to them every single time you're around them. And then the next time you see them, you can refer back to something that y'all did two months ago. And talk about it like you just did it yesterday. That shows that you're still there. Mm-hmm. Like it's not about it's about making sure that every time, every moment that you have, it mattered. Mattered.
speaker-0: Yeah. Okay. So what would you tell the dad, ⁓ who knows if he's being truly honest with himself, that he probably should be doing more?
speaker-1: Do it. Like, if you know it, you should be doing it. Because if something were to happen tomorrow, God forbid some of your children, you know, like I I should have done something, you're gonna be pissed off. You're gonna be able to live with yourself. Do more. You have the opportunity to do more.
speaker-0: Do more. Do you think the little boy who grew up with his father is part of the reason just my baby daddy podcast exists today?
speaker-1: Is it the boy that grew up without his father? Mm-hmm.
speaker-0: Mm-hmm. Is that part of the reason you have just my baby daddy? Like why that exists today?
speaker-1: ⁓ yeah, the boy that grew up without his father and also to leave something so my children can always go back to and know that. This this dude really loved us. I it that I think that's it. It's for that little boy to be like to talk about the things he went through and for the little boys and little girls that I have behind me to ⁓ know exactly how much I love them. Cause I mean, it's a legacy for other fathers to leave for their children as well. ⁓ I've had father that passed away. that was on my platform and like their children use like their words and stuff like 'cause I always talk about like what do you want I end my podcast or what do you want your legacy to be as a father? And so like those words meant a lot and resonated with them even through to his funeral. So like
speaker-0: So this has become much bigger than a podcast for you. You've built the JMBD foundation, the HBCU Legacy Scholarship. Is it called Ari's Angel? Is that how I pronounce it?
speaker-1: Yeah, yeah, that's my baby.
speaker-0: Yes, and then fatherhood conversations in the community. So why was it so important for you to take this message beyond the microphone?
speaker-1: ⁓ because the microphone is cool, but I believe in purpose. and my purpose isn't the microphone. My purpose is actually helping people and dealing with people and like reaching out and actually doing the work. And so I I remember just one day Just waking up and say it. I put and I put it on Facebook. Crazy. On in in like May of this of this year, I said in the fall of 2027, I'll be giving away a cottage scholarship. And next thing you know, I've put together a foundation where we are giving away a scholarship to a DC, a Virginia, and a Maryland resident. whose father passed away from gun violence who's going to a HBCU. I started doing these different fatherhood conversations ⁓ at a local cafe here in Virginia where we talked about how to build a village, ⁓ financially fit fathers. I did ⁓ I have a girl daddy event coming up. I did ⁓ I see and I did an event for single mothers of boys, ⁓
speaker-0: Ooh.
speaker-1: a boy mom event we had mentors there on hand for them. ⁓ and then the foundation just going through more of it. I went back to when my my daughter was born and I always said I wanted to do something. Do something for ⁓ premature babies because my my daughter was premature. And I started thinking back to like those moments when I was in the hospital and I was in the hospital. like those four or five o'clock in the morning feedings when she's in there and still going to work because I have no days off. Right. And I remember those days just sitting there, just mind in the in the days, just everything. Just just overcome with emotions, but not able to vent, not able to do anything, 'cause I gotta keep going. I gotta keep pressing through. I gotta go to work, go to football practice, do all of this. Get back to the hospital, all of that. And so I know there's other dads that go through that. And so with that being the case, I decided to put together just little something to support the dads while they're in there. And so I put together the Aries Angels program. ⁓ the Aries Angels program comes with like a clear book bag. ⁓ stadium approved book bag. So it's like, of course, it's one that we take the football games and all. it comes with ⁓ a power block with a
speaker-0: Get everywhere.
speaker-1: additional cores, the charge phones, and there's a bunch of little things that you can have in a hospital and just in like little notebooks and everything. This is support the fathers while they're in there. so it's the microphone gave me, you know, the idea to just, you know, get more and more to talk to fathers. But then as I got into more and more just purpose of everything, the microphone is cool. I won't stop doing it because I love the conversations. I don't I don't care if the platform never grows to a thousand followers, ten thousand followers. I would love it. I mean I and I say that, that I won't take it. I take it. But I love the conversations and I love the fact that it's gonna be something that's evergreen. I can show my children forever.
speaker-0: Yeah. I love that. And ⁓ my twins, they were premature as well. So I love that you support dads 'cause I don't think their dad really knew how to support me and I didn't know how to support me. But to know that 'cause sometimes I think we forget about the dads, obviously. And you're not the one who gave birth. You're not the one who's physically going through all the things, not realizing like they're dealing with their own stuff. I love the Aries Angels. ⁓ you're doing a lot of great things. And it seems like even though you do talk to the the men, the dads, you do speak to the women, especially those women that have boys. Because that was one of like my things before I got married or met my husband. It's like, how do I make sure my kids have those male figures in their life? Because I can only teach them so much. I can't teach them to be a man. I'm not a man, you know?
speaker-1: Leaving that part alone. I ain't getting you more than that one, yeah. Yeah, you say you know, I'm just gonna say, Hey, you're right.
speaker-0: What do you what do you ultimately 'cause me and my husband we talk about that. That's why I saw so excited to have you here because those are the conversations that need to be had. Like I can't like my husband was the reason why my kids could stand up and use the bathroom. That wasn't me. you know, like it's the little things that we women don't see because we're more of the nurturing side. ⁓ and sometimes you need them you need a man to say, ⁓ stop that crying, you're fine. You know Yeah. So, you know, I've noticed over the years like the importance. I'm so thankful he came into their life when they were like four. So it to see how much they progressed with his presence meant a lot to me and I could see. And that's why when women say, Father's Day is for me too, I'm like, It's really not. It's really not. Yeah, I need it. Just enjoy your mother's day. Yeah. Yeah. It's just
speaker-1: Yeah. No.
speaker-0: We have those conversations, so I'm really thankful for my husband. ⁓ so why do you think okay, I'm gonna add this on there. Why do you think there's this narrative of it's women, women, women, women and like men just suck it up, suck it up? Why do you think why do you think that?
speaker-1: Why do I think men's just suck it up and women ⁓ well
speaker-0: Like why does society like look at it that way? Where like we wanna talk more about the women's experience.
speaker-1: Mm. ⁓
speaker-0: That's what my husband says. Yep.
speaker-1: Show a sign of weakness, it gets attacked by everyone. And you know who attacks it stronger than anybody? A woman. You knew the answer. Like Yeah, yeah, everybody knew the answer. Yeah. Yeah, nobody cuts you deeper than a woman, so yeah.
speaker-0: Yeah. Tell me. I do the answer, I want you to say it. It's just so weird because you'll hear women say, I just wish he would open up more to me. Show me a soft side. But yeah, but see, some women do do that. And so it's like, damned if you do, damned if you don't. Yeah. So you'd rather just be damned. But no, I think that's good. I ⁓ I forgot who I was talking to the other day, but they were just saying, you know, darling, I didn't even think about the male perspective.
speaker-1: Yeah.
speaker-0: 'Cause they ⁓ they had me out of their podcast. That's what it was. And I said, Yeah, I think we we wanna speak for men so much, but we don't really understand what the men are going through. And just because somebody had a bad experience with a man doesn't mean that all men are like that. And we have to remember when it comes to this realm, it's so much nuance. And it's not a definitive black and white. Just like it's not a definitive black and white that all baby mamas All baby mamas are bitter, right? It's not definitive black and white that all stepmoms want to take control. Are those people out there? Are those personalities out there? Absolutely. But let's not be so quick to assume that that's what everybody's issue is. So when your children grow up, when they're grown and on their own, what do you hope that they say about the way their dad showed up?
speaker-1: So ⁓ how they how he showed up. I'm about to say kind of similar to ⁓ the stuff I always end my podcast on.
speaker-0: No, do it no d do it. Like I wanna hear it all. Like what do you want?
speaker-1: No, I I'll give it to you what what I hope they say about the way the dad showed up. ⁓ I'm gonna say, man. My dad showed up his own unique way, but he always showed up. Whether or not that means I'm at your damn game and all the parents are at one spot and I'm at the very corner by myself, but you see me, I'm there. You know what I mean? Or if I'm yelling like, ⁓ it's me. All right? No matter what it is, it's me. But I'm always there. I'm always there.
speaker-0: Yeah. So what is like one thing you would like to leave my listeners with? Because I already know this particular episode might be played a lot because we want to hear from the men and ⁓ men want to hear from other men. So what would you say out there to blended families? B bio moms, baby mamas, stepmoms, biodads, stepdads? Like what would you say to us in blended families?
speaker-1: There is no such thing as a blended family. It's just family.
speaker-0: Like that. That's good. ⁓ that's good. ⁓ that's so good. Because I don't even look at I know. I love it though. That's why when I reached out to you, I was maybe he'll respond. Because I wanted I wanted your perspective because my husband and I, there's no such thing as his daughter and my boys and our son. Yeah. Like we're all family. The kids, they're siblings. They don't say, That's my half. That's my step. There's no such thing as that. ⁓ yes, legally I am a stepmom. But she calls me by my first name. But when she's talking about me to other people, I am mom. It's just how we've integrated our family. Yeah. Yeah. Well, AJ, I want to thank you so much for this conversation because I know for a fact this is exactly what my listeners need, including myself, because we spend so much time talking about the fathers, especially when it comes to co-parenting and in blended family spaces. I think sometimes we need to stop interpreting their experience for them and actually give men the space to tell us what it feels like from their side. ⁓ so I and I appreciate that you didn't come to the table and, you know, say that dads always get it right. ⁓ You're talking about Yeah, you know, like you're talking about the presence. You're talking about responsibility and accountability and continuing to show up even when the circumstances aren't perfect or comfortable. So for those who are listening, how can they connect with you outside of this episode? ⁓
speaker-1: You can reach me at Just My Baby Daddy Pod on pretty much everything. ⁓ the JMBD foundation. Well, actually go to just my baby daddy dot com and pretty much everything's there and the J ⁓ B D foundation dot org. That's where you can see the scholarship and the Aries Angels program.
speaker-0: Nice, nice. So AJ, thank you for pulling up a chair at my kitchen table. And to everybody listening, I hope today's conversation gave you something to think about, whether your mom, your dad, stepmom, stepdad, or simply someone trying to figure out how to love your kids well when family life doesn't look exactly the way you thought it would be. Sometimes understanding the other side doesn't mean we have to agree with everything. It simply gives us more information, more empathy, and hopefully a better way forward. The kitchen table is officially closed for today, and I'll meet you back here next time. Please make sure to follow Love Darlene wherever you're listening so you don't miss the next conversation. And if something in this episode made you laugh, think, or feel a little less alone, leave a rating and a review. It helps more women find the show and join us around the kitchen table. You can also find me on TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook. For more step-mom and blended family conversations between episodes. Until next time, take what you need, protect your peace, and remember exactly who you are. Love, Darlene.
speaker-1: Mm-hmm.

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