# My Brain Failed Me: A CAL FIRE Deputy Chief's Fight to Return

An episode of [Red Pill Shaman](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/6799461351), 28 Oct 2026, 49 min.

Audio: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2526778/episodes/19987936-my-brain-failed-me-a-cal-fire-deputy-chief-s-fight-to-return.mp3

Send us Fan Mail A CAL FIRE Chief shares the reality of navigating life after an acquired brain injury. Understand the path to resilience and mental clarity. This conversation breaks down the intersection between high-stakes emergency response and personal health. We explore the specific challenges of cognitive rehabilitation and how a career defined by rapid decision-making shifts when the brain itself is the site of trauma. It is a raw look at the internal work required when external authority is suddenly compromised by a medical event. By documenting this recovery journey, we highlight how professional duty often masks personal struggle. The discussion offers a rare perspective on returning to function after significant neurological impact, providing a roadmap for anyone managing their own healing process while maintaining a sense of self. Subscribe for weekly explorations into consciousness and psychological sovereignty, and comment below on how you define strength during your own personal healing. 🎯What We Cover In This Video: ✅ The harrowing journey of retired Cal FIRE Deputy Chief Chuck E. Carroll from managing high-stakes emergency operations to navigating a catastrophic acquired brain injury. ✅ Breaking through the isolating walls of medical minimization, cognitive memory deficits, and PTSD nightmares. ✅ How poetry serves as a powerful healing modality to unlock the tongue, find solid ground, and confront deep-seated trauma. ✅ Stripping away societal expectations of leadership strength to reclaim your true internal authority, sacred boundaries, and healing liberty. 🔔If this video changed your perspective on reality, please hit the LIKE button, SHARE it with a friend, and SUBSCRIBE for more deep dives into quantum physics, psychology, and hidden truths. Don't forget to turn on the notification bell! 🌐 Connect With Chief Carroll: Crossing into UnNormal - my first book. Sample products of what I’m working on. Amazon: Welcome to your new Unnormal: Poems from the Mind of a Shattered Skull - and the Stories Behind My Words 🌐 Connect With Me: ● Instagram ● Facebook ● Website: kerryblaser.com ● My Book on Amazon: My Inner Heroine: Exploring Feminine Pain 📘 Get Your FREE DIY Trauma Healing Resources: • Webinar: DIY Trauma Healing Strategies • Meditation and Shamanic Drumming • Six Self-Reflection Techniques • How Souls Communicate • Six Divine Feminine Self Love Strategies TWO Free eBooks: 1) Poems of the Sovereign Soul 2) Wisdom of Peace Plan #BrainInjurySurvivor #CalFIRE #TraumaHealing #PTSDAwareness #PoetryHeals #FirstResponders #InternalAuthority #RedPillShaman @RedPillShaman Support the show

## Transcript

[0:00] SPEAKER_00: It is an honor to introduce Chief Chuck E.
[0:03] SPEAKER_00: Carroll, who is a retired Cal Fire Deputy Chief, earning that elite position after decades of continuous commendations, verified operational excellence at major historic incidents, and superior leadership metrics.
[0:18] SPEAKER_00: He has dedicated his career to command leadership, frontline public service, and managing high-stakes emergency operations across California's most volatile wildfire landscapes.
[0:31] SPEAKER_00: A few years ago, severe health complications from COVID-19 left him with a catastrophic acquired brain injury, plunging him into sudden life-altering challenges of memory deficits, profound lifestyle displacement, and the complete loss of his spoken words.
[0:49] SPEAKER_00: Just like an elite fire chief fighting his own wildfire, Chief Carroll forged his own healing path and began using poetry as his own healing modality.
[0:59] SPEAKER_00: He is the author of Welcome to Your New Unnormal: Poems from the Mind of a Shattered Skull, and the Stories Behind My Words, as well as his newest highly anticipated release, Crossing into Unnormal.
[1:13] SPEAKER_00: As the creator of the Unnormal series, he has engineered a growing suite of books, resources, and printable tool sets explicitly designed to act as an educational beacon for brain injury survivors and their caregivers worldwide.
[1:29] SPEAKER_00: Chief Carroll operates with the unshakable inner authority that his injury holds a supreme collective purpose, breaking through the isolating walls of institutional recovery to connect survivors to their own hearts through the power of poetry and the shared medicine of real, unedited human testimony.
[1:49] SPEAKER_00: He resides in Manteca, California and anchors his global self-reflection network at myanormallife.com.
[1:56] SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Red Pill Shaman, where we are shattering the matrix from the inside out.
[2:02] SPEAKER_00: This is where we strip away societal programming to examine history, ancient prophecy, and ourselves through the triple lens of quantum physics, the heartbrain axis polarities between the sexes, and analytical psychology.
[2:17] SPEAKER_00: Why do I take this approach, you might ask?
[2:20] SPEAKER_00: First, Einstein taught us that the field is the sole governing agency of the particle.
[2:26] SPEAKER_00: Second, the female body is designed to absorb the field's emotional nuance.
[2:31] SPEAKER_00: The male body is built to filter out emotional data and project a protective electric fence.
[2:38] SPEAKER_00: Lastly, but definitely not least, Carl Jung proved that changing the world is an inside job.
[2:45] SPEAKER_00: As a polymath, I love using diverse perspectives to understand events at a deeper, more expansive level.
[2:52] SPEAKER_00: When something is true, it is true in multiple places.
[2:56] SPEAKER_00: Today's episode is the first in a series on my podcast with Chief Carroll that will air every Wednesday at 5 a.m.
[3:03] SPEAKER_00: Mountain Standard Time.
[3:05] SPEAKER_00: In today's episode, he will share his harrowing journey from Fire Chief to acquired brain injury survivor to help us all connect to our hearts and souls, healing the emotional wounds we all have within.
[3:18] SPEAKER_00: He will introduce his first book and new website as resources for personal reflection and trauma healing.
[3:24] SPEAKER_00: When I read the first poem in his book, I was moved to tears, opening my own heart to my own emotional wounds.
[3:32] SPEAKER_00: I will read that poem later in this episode to help us all connect more deeply to ourselves, our pain, and our truths.
[3:40] SPEAKER_00: His work underscores that changing one's own world is an inside job and poetry is a path that reveals one's inner world for transformational purposes.
[3:51] SPEAKER_00: Welcome to episode one with Chief Carroll.
[4:21] SPEAKER_03: Hey, first, thank you for having me and nice introduction.
[4:25] SPEAKER_03: Uh got caught up as a viewer instead of a guest here for a minute.
[4:30] SPEAKER_03: Uh so I started my fire service career.
[4:33] SPEAKER_03: I uh it was before uh 9-11 in the late 90s where I got interested in it.
[4:39] SPEAKER_03: Uh I was very small compared to the idol i what I envisioned a you know firefighter to be.
[4:48] SPEAKER_03: Uh I was going to mission college and I uh there was a fire science program there, and I got involved in that and became a uh volunteer down in Morgan Hill with the South Santa Clara County Fire District, and after that became a uh career firefighter with Cal Fire.
[5:06] SPEAKER_03: Uh worked my way up through the ranks uh from engine firefighter to engineer.
[5:13] SPEAKER_03: Uh spent about seven years as an engineer.
[5:16] SPEAKER_03: Engineers means you're driving the fire engine, which is a really fun job once you get used to it.
[5:22] SPEAKER_03: And then I promoted up to fire captain.
[5:25] SPEAKER_03: I spent about six years working in various positions and then uh battalion chief in San Jose area in 2020, which was the start of COVID.
[5:37] SPEAKER_03: Uh and during the all of 2020, every everybody in the fire service seemed to have got COVID, either whether they uh tested positive or not, we were all affected somehow.
[5:50] SPEAKER_03: And it was it was just crazy times.
[5:52] SPEAKER_03: The rules were all over the place of what we did.
[5:56] SPEAKER_03: Uh but there's you can't look back at it now and and misjudge everything because nobody knew what was going on.
[6:05] SPEAKER_03: But but when I got I got COVID in and uh I got the exposure first and then uh I got tested again, which we all got tested all the time because if you were expo anybody you were exposed to within 24 hours we we got tested again.
[6:25] SPEAKER_03: Uh the test back the first test that we were getting was before the public was getting them, and they were very long q tips that w felt like it went to the back of your eyes.
[6:38] SPEAKER_03: But that was very uh memorable.
[6:42] SPEAKER_03: But it but when I got it, I when I um when I first got it, you know, it was like I was like everybody else.
[6:49] SPEAKER_03: I lost my taste, I was tired, I was fatigued, I couldn't get out of bed for a few days.
[6:54] SPEAKER_03: Uh but then it was persistent.
[6:57] SPEAKER_03: And then but everybody everybody was all over the place.
[6:59] SPEAKER_03: I lost my taste, but not my smell.
[7:01] SPEAKER_03: Other people lost both.
[7:02] SPEAKER_03: It was you know, everybody was tired, nobody.
[7:07] SPEAKER_03: But so but mine never went away, and the doctors kept telling me like it's brain fog, it'll go away.
[7:13] SPEAKER_03: And uh, but but I was a brand new battalion chief, uh, and then you know, and they were calling it brain fog.
[7:20] SPEAKER_03: And I was I was having memory loss, and it was it was just strange memory loss because it was new, and it was like, but everybody else had it, so we were able to tell everybody.
[7:29] SPEAKER_03: So it was this kind of it was kind of funny, like we were joking it off, but it was but as time went on, it was like it wasn't getting worse, but it wasn't improving.
[7:39] SPEAKER_03: And I would go to the doctors and they would and they would just keep telling me, Oh, don't worry, it's gonna go away, everybody's different, takes time.
[7:46] SPEAKER_03: And meanwhile, I'm trying to run a be a battalion chief.
[7:51] SPEAKER_03: In my own mind, not knowing what was going on, I still, you know, the the loss of taste was one thing.
[7:57] SPEAKER_03: It was it, you know, didn't really affect me in the job.
[8:00] SPEAKER_03: It was my memory loss that was going.
[8:02] SPEAKER_03: And it was uh I was just calling it short-term memory loss at first, because but it was just like short episodes.
[8:09] SPEAKER_03: But then uh as an and as a field battalion chief, you're when you go to a fire or any kind of emergency, you're in charge.
[8:18] SPEAKER_03: You're putting people's, you're directing people where to go, where to, you know, in a house fire, a wildland fire, and you're responsible to know where they're at at all times.
[8:28] SPEAKER_03: And I was when my mind started slipping, it never happened, but I was always concerned that I was gonna put somebody in a spot inside of a structure fire and house fire, and then I would see something on the outside or something to key them to get out of there.
[8:45] SPEAKER_03: Uh and I I don't know.
[8:48] SPEAKER_03: I just I don't know.
[8:49] SPEAKER_03: I would just expect always expected the worst in my in the back of my mind, and it really scared me.
[8:54] SPEAKER_03: And I would tell the doctor that I would tell I would tell my uh other fellow battalions out, but more like in a joking manner, like, oh man, I don't know what's wrong.
[9:05] SPEAKER_03: I can't even think on these photos, you know, like just kind of I don't know, I don't know what it was trying to cover myself later, because if something happened, like I've been trying to warn you guys, and but I would tell the doctors, like, I don't think I should be at work, and they didn't there was I mean there was lines of people with COVID back then in this in these doctors' office.
[9:22] SPEAKER_03: So I I'm upset with them because they minimized my concerns at the time, but uh I can't fault anybody, it isn't.
[9:32] SPEAKER_03: And then uh luckily I was able to promote again in 2022 to assistant chief, uh, and I oversaw our administration, so I oversaw um human resources, uh finance, our warehouse, logistics, uh, so not really going on in any emergencies, but I was still, but now I found myself in an office with a radio, and I would hear all these street names vividly.
[10:00] SPEAKER_03: And then I would, and then all of a sudden my PT I all of a sudden I had PTSD.
[10:05] SPEAKER_03: I never had it before, and all of a sudden, nightmares started coming up, and I started and I don't know if it was these street uh every time I'd hear these street names, it would bring up these calls that I went on that were like these are things you don't want to remember, and they would they would come back in my nightmares so bad, and then it just got worse and worse.
[10:23] SPEAKER_03: And now we're talking, you know, two, three years in, and I was now I'm getting to the point where I can't sleep.
[10:30] SPEAKER_03: And it was it wasn't that I couldn't sleep, I didn't want to go to sleep because of the nightmares we're getting that's so bad.
[10:38] SPEAKER_03: And and all I did I didn't tell anybody.
[10:42] SPEAKER_03: I couldn't I couldn't tell anybody because what do you tell what do you tell somebody?
[10:45] SPEAKER_03: Uh any of this.
[10:48] SPEAKER_03: You don't tell anybody because you're supposed to be a leader in the fire service and leaders don't look weak.
[10:54] SPEAKER_03: So if you're saying that something affected you, well that sounds like weakness.
[10:58] SPEAKER_03: And I know I know for me, if I would have heard somebody else saying that, I would that was like how why would I follow that guy anywhere?
[11:05] SPEAKER_03: He can't even he can't even c sleep at night.
[11:10] SPEAKER_03: But that's uh but that's how my mind was working at the time because I was such an I was such a sm grew up in such a sm as a small person in such a large person environment trying to fit in and in that era of the early 2000s of of the of that that I always had to like always felt like I had to prove myself and this was no different that that I you know I w as I promoted up and I as you got higher ranking, the you know the the expectation of you to be looked at like for direction was there.
[11:48] SPEAKER_03: So I had to I had to keep up that persona the whole way, whether I had knew I was doing or not.
[11:53] SPEAKER_03: And uh then in 2024 I just I just hit my tipping point of it of it and uh the lack of sleep.
[12:04] SPEAKER_03: I was I was my mind was going it was getting worse, my mind was getting worse and worse.
[12:09] SPEAKER_03: Uh the same doctors had been still just minimum, they would just send me doing tests, and I would go every six weeks to the same doctor, he would send me to a test, I would come back, and he says, Did you get that test done?
[12:22] SPEAKER_03: I said, No, but he's called me.
[12:23] SPEAKER_03: And so it would just, and then I would go get the test done, he wouldn't get the results.
[12:26] SPEAKER_03: And this was just I mean, the months and months of the work comp system just failing left and right on me.
[12:33] SPEAKER_03: It was so it was so frustrating because in my mind I knew something was wrong, but it's like there's no test for it.
[12:40] SPEAKER_03: It's like I felt like they called me a liar, I mean like I was lying about it.
[12:45] SPEAKER_03: Uh and then they did an MRI on me, and they found a it's like uh mass in my right uh frontal lobe.
[12:56] SPEAKER_03: And they meant and the doctor minimized that.
[12:59] SPEAKER_03: It'd be like, oh, have you been like I didn't have never been hit in the head, never played any sports, or you know.
[13:05] SPEAKER_03: And then when I changed doctors, that's when they told me that MRI was uh it affected my cognitive, which is my attention focus and concentration.
[13:17] SPEAKER_03: And that was the first thing that made sense to me in years because I said it validated everything I've been thinking that I've been telling these guys like something's wrong, and they're like, I'll go away.
[13:25] SPEAKER_03: And it's like, oh, you're getting old, and yeah, it was it wasn't a relief because it's like, well, what does that mean now?
[13:35] SPEAKER_03: I have a brain injury, and uh what they did was these new doctors they were able to get me into treatment and therapists and some bad therapists, some bad doctors, some good therapists, some good doc really good doctors, some people that really care, that's really uh got into the business for the right reason because as even though I have a brain injury, I would tell I tell everybody that uh I'm good about 95% of the day.
[14:10] SPEAKER_03: And they said, look at me, well, that's pretty good, 95%.
[14:13] SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
[14:13] SPEAKER_03: Well five percent of the day is 70 minutes that I can't account for in a day.
[14:18] SPEAKER_03: And those minutes come in intervals 30 seconds, five minutes, I don't know, and maybe it's longer than 70 minutes.
[14:24] SPEAKER_03: But you could ask me something from yesterday, I'm you could ask me a person's name that I met yesterday, I wouldn't know.
[14:33] SPEAKER_03: Barely remember what they're wearing or a conversation.
[14:36] SPEAKER_03: It had to be something very memorable for me to to remember them.
[14:41] SPEAKER_03: And uh what I found out was with this attention focused concentration, I can't remember anything because I'm not focusing to enough to pay attention to it because my mind's not there.
[14:52] SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
[14:52] SPEAKER_03: And uh and I understand that because I'll get the blank look on my face and I'll see it in other brain injury survivors.
[15:04] SPEAKER_00: So how did uh interacting with the other survivors I remember we talked about that before we had the session, that that was quite enlightening for you to see what they're going through, what you're going through.
[15:15] SPEAKER_03: Yeah, uh so my doctors they got me into a a facility is called the Center CBI, Center for Brain Injury.
[15:24] SPEAKER_03: They have a couple facilities.
[15:27] SPEAKER_03: Uh and uh each time you went there it was six weeks at a time uh and you would go there and you do physical therapy, but there would be other it was very small groups of people, uh six five to five to seven, I th I would say uh is their max that they have, but they're but I was able to meet I was very lo the first time, you know, going in there the first time I didn't know what to expect.
[15:56] SPEAKER_03: I was uh didn't want to especially brain I don't know when somebody says you have a brain injury, like I was still in denial of it.
[16:06] SPEAKER_03: Like I know something's wrong with me, but I don't know what I have to uh break for a second.
[16:12] SPEAKER_03: Somebody's knocking on my door.
[16:14] SPEAKER_00: Oh sure, yeah.
[16:15] SPEAKER_00: Your bestie.
[16:16] SPEAKER_03: Yes, she was uh yeah, she found me.
[16:19] SPEAKER_00: Well we need her.
[16:20] SPEAKER_01: Yeah, she's uh she's new to this uh this setup in here.
[16:26] SPEAKER_01: She's not sure about it yet.
[16:31] SPEAKER_01: Okay, I'm sorry.
[16:32] SPEAKER_01: That's great.
[16:33] SPEAKER_03: That's why she was scratching.
[16:36] SPEAKER_03: I could hear her scratching on the door.
[16:39] SPEAKER_03: Let me in.
[16:40] SPEAKER_03: Okay.
[16:41] SPEAKER_00: Uh where was uh You were like you you've just kind of the brain and the other patients and how do you accept?
[16:49] SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
[16:49] SPEAKER_03: No, so I I remember w walking in the door and everybody sitting in the thing, and there's uh they had like a blue bag with them, and I was the last one to arrive, I think.
[17:02] SPEAKER_03: Uh and then they kind of went with their onboarding session, and you know, I think everybody was kind of sizing everybody else up because I've because they didn't do a lot of uh pre like what to expect.
[17:15] SPEAKER_03: I think it and I think it was done on purpose because I don't think they I think they want you to go in there with uh no expectation of it.
[17:23] SPEAKER_03: Uh because I was it I my expectation, I'm gonna go there and get fixed.
[17:27] SPEAKER_03: Yeah, this place is gonna go fix me.
[17:29] SPEAKER_03: And uh you know, go into the brain center and get fixed.
[17:32] SPEAKER_03: That was my uh I was excited, you know.
[17:34] SPEAKER_03: Like all right, I'm I I was excited I was finally getting some actual treatment after uh this had been f four years, ten four years, ten months by the wow from from the time I got injury till the first time I feel like I'm actually getting some kind of treatment.
[17:50] SPEAKER_03: Some of the therap the therapists that went to, they were they were also they just minimized everything I said.
[17:56] SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
[17:57] SPEAKER_03: Like it wasn't that big of a deal.
[17:58] SPEAKER_03: Like uh I don't want to go outside now, but I I remember going to some of them like, well, you have a career, you have money, you don't have you don't have problems like most people, she should be happy.
[18:11] SPEAKER_03: Like but I still have how is that therapy?
[18:14] SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
[18:15] SPEAKER_03: That's it's like yeah, my my issue.
[18:17] SPEAKER_03: Like I said, they I that's why I felt like they minimized uh just minimized everything.
[18:21] SPEAKER_03: Like yes.
[18:23] SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I mean anyway, so I I remember meeting uh a guy named George.
[18:27] SPEAKER_03: Uh sorry, George, I don't remember your last name.
[18:30] SPEAKER_03: I know you lived in Low Die, but anyway, I remember George uh look talking having to talk to me and him telling me he goes, I forget the words sometimes.
[18:38] SPEAKER_03: And he was probably around the same age as me.
[18:41] SPEAKER_03: And I'm like, and I looked at him, I'm like, man, I forget the words.
[18:44] SPEAKER_03: And it was like and it was like the first time that I other than anybody in a clinical setting that I that I that I admitted that to, and they understood it in a sense of it wasn't just getting old, it was like I just can't remember words.
[18:58] SPEAKER_03: It's not and they're words in my vocabulary.
[19:02] SPEAKER_03: And then I remember having another conversation with him at the hotel.
[19:05] SPEAKER_03: We so we all stayed at the hotel and then at night we were able to talk if we chose to or hang out, and we did because I I couldn't bel I could not believe how much I bonded with these other people that before before my brain injury, I would have had nothing in common with them at all.
[19:23] SPEAKER_03: There's there's I would I wouldn't have any friendship with them.
[19:26] SPEAKER_03: We were just on different different paths, nothing in common.
[19:29] SPEAKER_03: And all of a sudden now we have nothing in common except for brain injury, which is everything in common.
[19:36] SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
[19:37] SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
[19:37] SPEAKER_03: Because anybody out there, if you're listening and you and you have uh, you'll know what the blank stare is that I talk about.
[19:46] SPEAKER_03: So I saw George doing, I was having a conversation with him, and all of a sudden he just checked out blank stare.
[19:51] SPEAKER_03: And I'm and I just sat there looking at him like because I knew what it was.
[19:54] SPEAKER_03: It was the first time I saw it in somebody else, but I knew exactly what it was.
[19:58] SPEAKER_03: And then when he woke up, I said, and I said to him, Where'd you go?
[20:01] SPEAKER_03: And he says, I don't know.
[20:02] SPEAKER_03: And he said, exactly.
[20:03] SPEAKER_03: And I told him about it, I do that too.
[20:06] SPEAKER_03: But I my wife was so somebody else still seen something's wrong with me because I'm and I was like, Well, you're laughing.
[20:11] SPEAKER_03: Like, what were you laughing about?
[20:12] SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
[20:13] SPEAKER_03: I don't know what I was I wouldn't I have no idea what it was.
[20:16] SPEAKER_03: I felt like I was happy though, but but I see it in so many people, and so many of us, but it was the first time that I saw like everybody was like, even though our injuries occurred differently, uh there were results or results or how we acted with it with uh outputs, I guess.
[20:40] SPEAKER_03: I don't know how to say it, are the same.
[20:42] SPEAKER_03: Like I have I never had this uh what they call tinnitus.
[20:46] SPEAKER_03: And sometimes I get it, uh I sometimes I get it one side, sometimes uh left side, sometimes sometimes both sides, sometimes like long duration, sometimes like sometimes long enough, like is it never gonna stop?
[20:57] SPEAKER_03: Like, is this the top?
[20:58] SPEAKER_03: Doesn't stop.
[21:00] SPEAKER_03: And uh it's just very strange that every I never had it before my brain injury, all of a sudden I have it, and so everybody else has it.
[21:07] SPEAKER_03: They have in the uh in the brain center, they do assessments with I forget what it's called, but it's for your vision, and they put an X on a piece of paper, and when you look at it, all of a sudden you start seeing double two X's, and it's like but they all see and I was like, how why do we all see that?
[21:24] SPEAKER_03: Like But no, I show it to my family or friends and they don't see it.
[21:28] SPEAKER_03: Like, all right, so why it's uh it's all these um whys in it.
[21:34] SPEAKER_03: But what the brain center does, it helps you navigate life.
[21:38] SPEAKER_03: They and they tell you that, like uh my expectation that I'm gonna go there and get fixed, they're telling you you're not we're not here to fix you.
[21:45] SPEAKER_03: So it's it's uh it was refreshing for honesty in that.
[21:52] SPEAKER_03: And I felt like that with other people.
[21:55] SPEAKER_03: So after my first session, I went back uh I was able to go back again at After my first session there, I came out with so much momentum.
[22:03] SPEAKER_03: There was I w I learned so much about the brain that I uh and my injury and the different types of brain injuries.
[22:12] SPEAKER_03: I have what's called an acquired brain injury.
[22:15] SPEAKER_03: There's different kinds of acquired brain injuries, uh stroke, dementia patients, uh people anybody in a coma, uh rhabdomyolysis, uh heats where you get that's severe heat exhaustion.
[22:34] SPEAKER_03: And this is what usually where when your body starts shutting down, it starts taking from your extremities, your arms, legs, and then your head.
[22:42] SPEAKER_03: So because your heart wants to work, it needs to need to work, so it's gonna start stealing from everywhere else.
[22:47] SPEAKER_03: But it seems like once your brain, that's the acquired brain injury part of it, because they like to use the word uh traumatic TB T everybody throws out the word TBI.
[22:58] SPEAKER_03: It's a very easy term, traumatic brain.
[23:00] SPEAKER_03: But I is whenever I hear it, I said there's nothing traumatic about mine.
[23:04] SPEAKER_03: And it like throws them off and I explained to them like I say, to this day I can't tell you how I got mine.
[23:11] SPEAKER_03: I can't I haven't had anybody tell me other than we're still trying to figure it out.
[23:16] SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
[23:16] SPEAKER_03: And I I would help I'd be happy to help anybody whatever I could do to for the research.
[23:22] SPEAKER_03: I don't think it matters at this point.
[23:25] SPEAKER_03: It's for me, uh it I don't know.
[23:30] SPEAKER_03: I I I kind of want to stop looking at the past and look at the present, look at the future.
[23:37] SPEAKER_03: Um because it was it was after my so and my third time at the Brain Center uh that was where I really had a turning point of it.
[23:52] SPEAKER_03: Uh I'm a lifelong Catholic.
[23:55] SPEAKER_03: I I go to church as much as I can.
[23:59] SPEAKER_03: Uh but I and I always wonder I would ask God like why he blessed me with so much uh in my life, family, career, job, and then all of a sudden this where I'm just losing like literally losing my mind.
[24:17] SPEAKER_03: But it and it's a and it's it's it's so strange because my memory, I I just I s I think about it so mu I think about things so much more than I used to.
[24:33] SPEAKER_03: When I go to leave the house, did I close the drawer?
[24:36] SPEAKER_03: Did I lock the did I and I have a hard time I I would have a hard time.
[24:40] SPEAKER_03: I would leave the stove on sometimes because I thought so I'd go back.
[24:44] SPEAKER_03: I mean just and and almost every time did I miss an appointment?
[24:48] SPEAKER_03: Almost every time.
[24:49] SPEAKER_03: It's at it was absolutely nothing.
[24:51] SPEAKER_03: And if I did miss, it was like the it's I just paranoid about the pettiest things.
[24:56] SPEAKER_03: And once it enters your mind, you cannot stop it.
[24:58] SPEAKER_03: And everybody anybody listening knows it it can't, it has you have no control over it.
[25:05] SPEAKER_03: Even in the doctors, well, just stop it's it's so easy for somebody else to tell you, like, well, don't let it bother you.
[25:10] SPEAKER_03: Like, you know, it it absorbs me.
[25:13] SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
[25:14] SPEAKER_00: How did you get to writing poetry?
[25:16] SPEAKER_00: Like, how did that evolve?
[25:18] SPEAKER_03: So uh when I was going to see when I I uh I I uh maybe in a different show we could talk about good therapists, bad therapists, good doctors, bad therapy.
[25:28] SPEAKER_03: We're gonna get in all that all that interesting stuff.
[25:30] SPEAKER_00: Like if you want to talk, I'm gonna record.
[25:33] SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
[25:34] SPEAKER_03: Well, I think a lot of people go through this where where we have different ways we cope with things.
[25:41] SPEAKER_03: Uh I know when I was in college, I went to San Jose State, and I remember I like poetry.
[25:47] SPEAKER_03: I like, you know, you're forced to take English classes.
[25:50] SPEAKER_03: Well, I had something resonating me.
[25:52] SPEAKER_03: I like poetry.
[25:53] SPEAKER_03: It was very, you know, a stanza's very short.
[25:55] SPEAKER_03: You only have to like learn so much.
[25:58] SPEAKER_03: But then when I started reading between it, that there was actual meaning behind it.
[26:03] SPEAKER_03: It wasn't just like, I don't know, you just came to me back in college.
[26:07] SPEAKER_03: And then I remember uh my teacher, she was we were pretty close to the same age at the time.
[26:13] SPEAKER_03: Uh but we would she would take us to these uh poetry slams, which I didn't never if it wasn't for her, I would have never gone to one, but they were like rap battles, and I like rap music.
[26:22] SPEAKER_03: I still do to this day.
[26:24] SPEAKER_03: Uh but they were like that's why they resonated with me.
[26:27] SPEAKER_03: So but then I didn't after that, I didn't really do anything with it.
[26:31] SPEAKER_03: I I remember though as I promoted up in my fire service leadership when we go on long fire summons, I would put up positive affirmations of little one-liners.
[26:41] SPEAKER_03: So I guess I was doing it the whole time writing it, but I do like all like the short things to it.
[26:47] SPEAKER_03: And now my mind really only likes it because that's all it could uh handle is a very short time.
[26:52] SPEAKER_03: But I would get these therapists and they would tell me, you know, the journaling, right?
[26:57] SPEAKER_03: Because of my night, it was mostly because of my nightmares.
[27:00] SPEAKER_03: And they the the nightmares were and they would have me write, you know, like I'd wake up, I'd be up at three o'clock in the morning writing down my book.
[27:07] SPEAKER_03: My nightmares were in detail.
[27:09] SPEAKER_03: And it just seemed like it seemed it like it made it worse.
[27:11] SPEAKER_03: And they would and I would tell them that and it would be a therapist at the time, like I would see them and I didn't see them again for a month.
[27:19] SPEAKER_03: So now I'm stewing on this thing for a month.
[27:21] SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
[27:22] SPEAKER_03: Like I think you're still trying to say again and trying to trust trying to trust the process, you know.
[27:27] SPEAKER_03: And I remember like other I had other friends that were doing it, they were telling me they gotta believe in it, but I was like, it was making it worse on me.
[27:35] SPEAKER_03: And then I would go and I sort of stopped doing it.
[27:37] SPEAKER_03: But then I started using the and I liked doing the poetry, and then I started like, you know, because it it what it was was it was a pillow that the therapist had on their um in the room, and it was um the wheel of emotions, the all the different emotions on it.
[27:58] SPEAKER_03: Because I remember I could look at that pillow and my I am I would be like I could pick a um felt like a hundred things on there where I was at just that day.
[28:06] SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
[28:07] SPEAKER_03: And because I don't know, is it my my time went on with the the brain, it everything became such a production to do anything to leave the house and to go anywhere and do anything.
[28:19] SPEAKER_03: Uh especially social meaning people.
[28:22] SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
[28:23] SPEAKER_00: A lot to track socially.
[28:25] SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
[28:25] SPEAKER_00: You have to do that.
[28:26] SPEAKER_00: But so anyway.
[28:27] SPEAKER_03: So I started doing the poetry, and then I was like, I'm not taking it back to that late the lady I was seeing at the time, because all she would do or I did at I did one time, and she started thinking, and it I remember it was like an angry poem, maybe I don't know.
[28:39] SPEAKER_03: It was probably some tone, but that's how I felt at the time.
[28:42] SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
[28:43] SPEAKER_03: You know, it I and that's how my poetry is, however, I feel because I think I could pick a topic and I could have a different tone or feeling for that same talk and write a different story for it, just because the way I feel it throughout the day on different things, and it was just in the moment how I do it, and then uh and then but they would like, well, why were you angry?
[29:05] SPEAKER_03: You know, when they would they would try to read between my words, so I'm like, you know what, I'm not gonna share with anybody.
[29:09] SPEAKER_03: So I had hundreds of so my third time I met a a lady named Heather, um I can't remember her last name, but she started doing it, she was doing meditation and she read one of her poems from one of her friends to me, and I showed her some of mine, uh, and she told me that I should share it with some some you know other people, and I was like, I don't know.
[29:35] SPEAKER_03: Like, and I uh she read it out to our class and the instructors in there, and people were uh uh very emotional over it because it was sad, but it was uh and I haven't I had it read of the day, I still haven't shared it with anybody else since that day.
[29:56] SPEAKER_03: Uh I still have it.
[29:57] SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
[29:58] SPEAKER_03: I haven't shared it.
[29:59] SPEAKER_03: And the name of it, the title of it was uh My Normal Life.
[30:04] SPEAKER_03: Um and that was the start of it, the of everything else.
[30:09] SPEAKER_03: Because when I when I wrote it, I had that ri I didn't really have that written, but I didn't have the title.
[30:14] SPEAKER_03: And I was like using the word abnormal, I'm like, I'm not abnormal.
[30:18] SPEAKER_03: I'm like, well, I'm definitely not normal.
[30:21] SPEAKER_03: And I don't know, I just came up with the word unnormal.
[30:24] SPEAKER_01: I like it.
[30:25] SPEAKER_01: I like it.
[30:36] SPEAKER_01: And so now you have your book and um and your other writings and your website?
[30:44] SPEAKER_03: Yeah, so I so after after that I started I started sharing other stuff that I my poems that I had because I'm like, are they just being nice to me that it's good, you know, because they go like, you should do more and more and like because I I um so I started showing it to uh my uh some of my wife's friends that didn't know me and they were and they were like uh like writing text back to her about how emotional they got over like different stuff.
[31:10] SPEAKER_03: I was like and then I started um I was on some Facebook uh roots with the the brain different brain injury in the long COVID and I put some of my this uh just a few things because I wanted to see what people thought and I asked them to comment bel comment on there to see if they're actually I have no idea if they're actually reading it or like you know just putting a like on there for my effort.
[31:35] SPEAKER_03: But it uh once I started getting a response and I had people actually uh direct messaging me about it that I that I it it it made me feel different that my words were able to change one person's uh uh to give them hope.
[32:03] SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
[32:04] SPEAKER_00: Well you connect to yourself so deeply it helps other people connect to them.
[32:08] SPEAKER_00: That's what's beautiful about it.
[32:11] SPEAKER_01: Yes.
[32:11] SPEAKER_03: Uh because I think back, uh uh I feel like I can handle a lot being in the being in the fire service, you deal with adversity, you see the worst of people, you see the worst of things.
[32:25] SPEAKER_03: So you feel like you can handle a lot.
[32:27] SPEAKER_03: So but I I look back at like everything that I had to go through all these years fighting for myself, not because I felt like they just wanted me to give up and I never and I never would because I knew something I I I just knew something was wrong with me.
[32:42] SPEAKER_03: There was something wrong inside my body is different.
[32:45] SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
[32:46] SPEAKER_03: It had nothing to do it.
[32:47] SPEAKER_03: I don't know what it was, but it's it's still it's still different.
[32:51] SPEAKER_03: And uh but I know I I think about how many other people out there are getting the same treatment or getting and and not getting the results because they don't know any better.
[33:04] SPEAKER_03: They they they're trusting.
[33:06] SPEAKER_03: I did the same thing.
[33:07] SPEAKER_03: I don't I was think I had these doctors they had me believing that I was gonna get better.
[33:12] SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
[33:12] SPEAKER_03: Like, oh yes.
[33:13] SPEAKER_03: And I because I like especially my my taste that my the taste, which I still have no taste today, uh to this day, which I'm used to it, but it's still uh the social action's the the worst part of it.
[33:27] SPEAKER_00: Half the food.
[33:28] SPEAKER_00: I don't taste it.
[33:30] SPEAKER_00: The same as the other meal, you know, I don't know.
[33:32] SPEAKER_03: Texture different.
[33:33] SPEAKER_03: Yeah, exactly.
[33:34] SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
[33:34] SPEAKER_03: Um but it's it's the only thing I can quantify, but but every so every once in a while I'll have something.
[33:42] SPEAKER_03: I'm not I think it can't be like I'll because I have memories of what like something tasted like or a spice or you know, or and it comes usually comes from smells.
[33:53] SPEAKER_03: A smell of a charred-broiled burger, like uh you would think that so you think you I don't know, you have memories of it, so it's like the best thing ever I've ever had.
[34:01] SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we have memories, yeah.
[34:03] SPEAKER_03: Yeah, but the I it would uh the I remember the doctors when I tell them about the memory loss.
[34:07] SPEAKER_03: So well, how often does that happen?
[34:09] SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
[34:09] SPEAKER_03: I can't remember.
[34:10] SPEAKER_03: If you're gonna ask a stupid question, you're gonna get a smart ass answer.
[34:13] SPEAKER_03: Like, come on, man.
[34:16] SPEAKER_03: I don't know how often I use it.
[34:17] SPEAKER_03: You're not tallying.
[34:18] SPEAKER_00: Oh, forgot, oh forgot, oh, no tally, no tally.
[34:22] SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
[34:22] SPEAKER_03: It's like my mind, I'm good 95% of the day.
[34:25] SPEAKER_00: Like, I mean, that's a pretty accurate description.
[34:28] SPEAKER_00: You know, you figured it out, and I just not that's I mean, that's a different way of of measuring it, but I would say that's a very accurate description, yeah.
[34:35] SPEAKER_03: Yeah, and I would say because they were like, uh what's the uh brain is well it's a my like they have different you know I mean it's not severe as my uh I don't care what anybody tell any tells you anybody if it it sucks.
[34:51] SPEAKER_03: It's not fun.
[34:52] SPEAKER_03: Why do the why do the lights but why do you why do I go to uh a memory for me?
[34:59] SPEAKER_03: I I everybody I talk to the same go into Costco because you know you kind of know where everything's at and they move everything around all the time.
[35:08] SPEAKER_03: So it's like uh first you got the bright lights, which I don't like.
[35:12] SPEAKER_03: The bright light the bright lights bother me uh in in uh in those fluorescent lights.
[35:18] SPEAKER_03: Uh I'd rather we were wearing sunglasses inside the store if they if it people didn't look at me strange.
[35:24] SPEAKER_03: Which I think most people would.
[35:27] SPEAKER_03: Because I know the I think the bright lights it has to do with the headaches, the t the tinnitus.
[35:31] SPEAKER_03: It did it's uh you're putting yourself there.
[35:34] SPEAKER_03: Anyway, but you know, like I'll tell like uh one of the workers there and they're like, they don't know where anything's at either.
[35:40] SPEAKER_03: And they're like, it's a treasure hunt.
[35:42] SPEAKER_03: I'm like, I didn't come here for a treasure hunt, I'm trying to get some stuff and get it.
[35:45] SPEAKER_03: I don't even want to leave the house anymore.
[35:47] SPEAKER_03: Like I I we I would uh if I could if they if they had it figured out where I got exactly what I wanted, I would just order everything online and I never leave the house for those kind of things.
[36:00] SPEAKER_00: Yeah, Costco used to piss me off, and now that my kids are grown and out of the house, I'm kind of glad I don't have to go there anymore and try to search for stuff all the time.
[36:07] SPEAKER_00: But that's a great example.
[36:09] SPEAKER_00: It's kind of like an outward manifestation of what it's like to have a brain injury, that you're constantly searching and it's annoying and frustrating, and then trying to live life with all of these challenging emotions while already having the mental the you know the brain challenge.
[36:23] SPEAKER_00: And yeah, it's a I I thank you for providing that example.
[36:27] SPEAKER_03: Well, it's funny is you don't is all of us as uh the survivors, brain injured survivor, whatever whatever you c want to call label you want to put on it.
[36:38] SPEAKER_03: Uh it's funny how we all have our different uh brain, what I call life hacks.
[36:44] SPEAKER_03: Like I tell people, like like going to Costco, like because you'll tell people like, no wonder I hate you, like they don't really think about it.
[36:51] SPEAKER_03: Like that's why I don't go by myself any.
[36:54] SPEAKER_03: If I don't have to, I will not go by myself.
[36:56] SPEAKER_03: Just for that, just for that reason, because I'm going to I'm gonna start get my anxiety start gonna get to me.
[37:02] SPEAKER_03: It's gonna it's it's it's putting yourself a I call it preventable stress.
[37:08] SPEAKER_00: Yeah, no, I like that.
[37:09] SPEAKER_03: And then uh and the same thing when I when I park when I park anywhere, when I park, if I have to go somewhere and I park somewhere, I park as far away as possible because so I know exactly where to park at because I I'll be searching the because I can't remember where I parked at.
[37:23] SPEAKER_03: I mean you could unless it's got you know it's unless it's one of those places that has labels on the uh where you could take a picture of it.
[37:30] SPEAKER_03: But so I'll park far away, but it's always like in the same general area, so I know even if I gotta walk, it's better than being frustrated and putting that stress on myself because I know what that stress is, it's just it it builds up on you.
[37:44] SPEAKER_00: Then it makes everything worse.
[37:45] SPEAKER_00: Like from my childhood trauma, I don't have a specific brain injury, but I would dissociate because I just couldn't handle my emotions, but then I would forget things or you know, kind of mid-talk, uh where am I, or getting really frustrated at a place like Costco.
[37:59] SPEAKER_00: I experience you know something similar, um, but you know, from a different cause.
[38:05] SPEAKER_00: But yeah.
[38:05] SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
[38:06] SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I would I I would consider those acquired brain injuries.
[38:09] SPEAKER_03: That's what I when I would if whatever the def I'm sure there's no definition of it, but that's what I would say.
[38:14] SPEAKER_03: Just like I I associate the PTSD that everybody gets.
[38:18] SPEAKER_03: It's like that's what I would say think of an acquired brain.
[38:22] SPEAKER_03: Like you acquired it like because of other uh what's the word?
[38:28] SPEAKER_03: Uh factors.
[38:29] SPEAKER_03: Yeah, because of other factors, yeah.
[38:31] SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
[38:32] SPEAKER_03: It hurts your nervous system.
[38:33] SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
[38:34] SPEAKER_03: We didn't hit the head.
[38:36] SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's like you're hitting the head in a different way.
[38:38] SPEAKER_00: It's an emotional hit, but still it impacts the physical body, the nervous system, the wiring of the brain.
[38:44] SPEAKER_00: And I mean, I've had, you know, from before I healed from my childhood trauma, sleep problems, you know, all kinds of crazy dreams, failed relationships, inability to communicate, lots of anxiety and depression, and um, you know, a lot of you know, kind of similar challenges.
[39:01] SPEAKER_00: And um, but you mentioned you had a poem to share.
[39:04] SPEAKER_00: Would you like to share it now?
[39:07] SPEAKER_03: Uh you said you read one.
[39:09] SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna read one.
[39:10] SPEAKER_03: I did you want to read it?
[39:12] SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I want to hear the one you read.
[39:13] SPEAKER_00: Okay.
[39:14] SPEAKER_00: Yeah, okay.
[39:14] SPEAKER_00: This is the I'm gonna read, it's the first poem in your book, and when I read it, my eyes welled up because it really helped me connect to my pain.
[39:23] SPEAKER_00: So let me bring it up here.
[39:25] SPEAKER_00: And um it's called My Rhymes, My Rules.
[39:35] SPEAKER_00: A sudden change, my world went dark, my broken brain was left in park, the fog rolled in, the fear grew strong, I searched for where I still belonged, the anger burned inside my chest, a restless fire that would not rest.
[39:55] SPEAKER_00: The fear and worry grew so loud, the thunder underneath a dark cloud.
[40:02] SPEAKER_00: I lost the man I used to know and could not find which way to go.
[40:09] SPEAKER_00: I felt so sad, so trapped, so small, with no one there to catch my fall.
[40:17] SPEAKER_00: Then I found a simple pen and I traced the places I had been.
[40:24] SPEAKER_00: I poured my anger on the page and gave my thoughts a place to rage.
[40:32] SPEAKER_01: I wrote the panic from my mind and slowly left the fear behind.
[40:43] SPEAKER_00: The words became my solid ground, a place where pieces could be found.
[40:50] SPEAKER_00: My spoken words would trip and fall.
[40:53] SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I could not speak at all.
[40:55] SPEAKER_00: The injury had locked my tongue, and left my deepest thoughts unsung.
[41:01] SPEAKER_00: And then the rhymes began to grow, and gave my hidden feelings flow.
[41:07] SPEAKER_00: The steady beat, the words, the rhyme gave me back a voice on time.
[41:14] SPEAKER_00: I write my struggles line by line to show this healing life is mine.
[41:22] SPEAKER_00: I may not write the perfect way, but these are my words, and here to stay.
[41:29] SPEAKER_00: Through my poetry, my voice came back.
[41:33] SPEAKER_00: A light appeared along the track.
[41:37] SPEAKER_00: I broke through walls that held me down and found my voice beneath the sound.
[41:45] SPEAKER_00: Poetry did not fix my life.
[41:49] SPEAKER_00: It helped me face the fear and strife.
[41:54] SPEAKER_00: It gave me back a part of me, my voice, my words, my liberty.
[42:01] SPEAKER_00: I found a way to write my truth, to find my strength, to rediscover youth.
[42:08] SPEAKER_00: These are my rhymes, and these are my rules.
[42:11] SPEAKER_00: My life is mine.
[42:14] SPEAKER_00: I choose these tools.
[42:18] SPEAKER_00: My life, my rules.
[42:20] SPEAKER_00: When I read that because you sent me your book, I oh my heart.
[42:23] SPEAKER_00: Like it just it's so heartfelt and it's so well expressed, and and we don't need elaborate words or you know, ten syllable words to express ourselves.
[42:34] SPEAKER_00: Sometimes a one-syllable word does the trick and it helps people see themselves.
[42:39] SPEAKER_00: And what I've noticed that your poetry, you're so connected to yourself, and you create a space for other people to connect equally deeply to themselves as well.
[42:49] SPEAKER_00: And that's where the healing happens.
[42:51] SPEAKER_00: That's where the heart is, that's where the emotions are, and that's that's healing.
[42:57] SPEAKER_00: I love it.
[42:58] SPEAKER_03: Yeah, the uh That's one thing I like about poetry.
[43:02] SPEAKER_03: There's there's no rules on it.
[43:04] SPEAKER_03: That's that's why I wrote that's what I mean by that.
[43:06] SPEAKER_03: Like there's no that's why like it is what you know, they um they have so many different styles.
[43:12] SPEAKER_03: Like, so I pick free verse because as whatever you want it to be.
[43:16] SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
[43:17] SPEAKER_03: And that's what it should be.
[43:18] SPEAKER_03: Because I it's really that's uh it's uh it's how I tell my stories, it's how I tell other people's stories for them, or because that's just way I don't know, that's just the way I see it.
[43:28] SPEAKER_03: And I don't know, and I make it so simple.
[43:31] SPEAKER_03: And uh one of the things I I want to do is is uh when I talked about the journals with the blank piece of paper that they give you, like I'm I want I'm developing uh a book where people could write down it maybe they'll maybe they'll become a poet out of it, maybe not, but they'll be able to get their their words down in a different way that they to try something different.
[43:53] SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think it's great, and there's so many kind of DIY modalities that we're gonna discuss on.
[44:00] SPEAKER_00: Our in our series here is to help people process their emotions, learn to surf the waves of life.
[44:05] SPEAKER_00: How do I go into my fear, guilt, and shame, discover it, communicate it, turn it into wisdom like you've done with your poetry, which then naturally leads to self-forgiveness and letting it go.
[44:17] SPEAKER_00: And then once you kind of learn that process, you can start surfing bigger and bigger waves.
[44:22] SPEAKER_00: And we're going to talk about all that, you know, on our series.
[44:26] SPEAKER_00: And so I'll lead you back to your website.
[44:28] SPEAKER_00: You're collecting stories on your website, the Annormal Life.
[44:31] SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
[44:32] SPEAKER_03: So uh it's my AnnormalLife.com.
[44:35] SPEAKER_03: Uh, I'm also on Facebook.
[44:38] SPEAKER_03: And uh what I want to do is I want to get people's stories together and write a book for them, a short story.
[44:46] SPEAKER_03: Uh Kindle has a program where it doesn't have to be a full book like people you think.
[44:51] SPEAKER_03: It's what they call them a 15-minute, 30, 45, one hour read.
[44:55] SPEAKER_03: Uh, could be a hundred pages, and it's something I want to work on something with somebody else together to get their story out.
[45:03] SPEAKER_03: And maybe they don't have a way to do it on their own.
[45:06] SPEAKER_03: I think together we could do do something and then uh have a show.
[45:12] SPEAKER_03: It's one of the worst things is everybody thinks you look fine.
[45:15] SPEAKER_03: Like I walk out in the street and they think, man, I look fine because I'm you know uh I'm not overweight, I'm not I don't know.
[45:21] SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
[45:22] SPEAKER_03: You look f they you they think you look fine and you're like, I'm dying inside though.
[45:28] SPEAKER_03: And but I but everybody that's out there like that, like uh it's easier to lie.
[45:35] SPEAKER_03: I I have a a st I have a whole st uh some other stories.
[45:39] SPEAKER_03: It's just easier to lie sometimes, but it's but for other people it's find find your group to talk to.
[45:47] SPEAKER_03: Don't hold it in.
[45:49] SPEAKER_03: Even if even if you come up anonymous, put it online.
[45:51] SPEAKER_03: I see so many people online writing, so I know people want to connect.
[45:56] SPEAKER_03: And I would have never thought it myself before until I met other people from different demographics that were I had no business even you know saying hi to in uh that were friends now that I talked to them.
[46:09] SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna text them after this and tell them that we went on this did this together.
[46:13] SPEAKER_03: And I'll tell them like, man, if it because they know how because they like connecting with me, I like connecting with them.
[46:19] SPEAKER_03: We like to because they could tell me a story and I'll know exactly what they're talking about, how they forgot something or whatever, whatever happened in their life.
[46:26] SPEAKER_03: It's like but everybody else's like, oh, they'd probably think it's so boring, but to to us it's everything.
[46:31] SPEAKER_03: And to being able to tell somebody, not just tell somebody the story for them to understand it and listen to it.
[46:38] SPEAKER_03: Because I'll tell my story, but nobody other people they don't listen to me.
[46:42] SPEAKER_03: Or it's a it's so embarrassing, I won't tell anybody because that's not because they won't get it.
[46:47] SPEAKER_00: Because I get it, yeah.
[46:48] SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
[46:49] SPEAKER_00: Or or you tell someone, you know, and then they they don't want to face themselves, so then they put up a block to you.
[46:54] SPEAKER_00: But really, what that is is they're blocking their own connection to themselves.
[46:58] SPEAKER_00: So there's so much we're gonna discuss in this series, but I think we're at the end of the day.
[47:02] SPEAKER_00: I look forward to it.
[47:04] SPEAKER_00: And we're all of um Chief Check's uh links will be below in the description or in the pinned comment.
[47:11] SPEAKER_00: Every Wednesday, I'm gonna drop a new episode, so please join in.
[47:15] SPEAKER_00: So I'll just finish up today's episode to help everyone learn how to transform their emotional wounds into personal wisdom with my and uh Chief Carol's DIY strategies.
[47:24] SPEAKER_00: I have linked several resources below from both of us in the description or the pinned comment.
[47:31] SPEAKER_00: As Red Pill Shaman, I am not here to take on personal clients as I save my time for first responders and military personnel, which is the same group that uh Chief Chuck would like to work with as well.
[47:44] SPEAKER_00: I am here to do the feminine energetic work globally and share my wisdom with all people who feel drawn to it.
[47:51] SPEAKER_00: I contribute to the collective with my weekly enlightenment experiences, this podcast, my YouTube channel, my book, My Inner Heroine Exploring Feminine Pain.
[48:02] SPEAKER_00: Please reach out with questions via my personal website at carryblazer.com, linked below, and make sure your notifications are on because in episode two, we will explore the challenges of handling mental health issues as both a firefighter and a chief in the fire department, along with typical healing methods that both work and don't work.
[48:23] SPEAKER_00: You don't want to miss it.
[48:25] SPEAKER_00: In the meantime, keep trusting your internal authority, keep surfing the waves of life, and remember your boundaries are sacred, and changing the world is an inside job.
[48:35] SPEAKER_00: I'm Carrie Mae Blazer, the Red Pill Shaman.
[48:39] SPEAKER_00: I will see you next time in episode two with Chief Carroll.
[48:42] SPEAKER_00: Bye.

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