# When Your Toddler Says 'No' To Everything

An episode of [Toddlers Made Easy with Dr Cathryn](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1892471422), 7 Jan 2026, 7:21.

Audio: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2632063/episodes/19534395-when-your-toddler-says-no-to-everything.mp3

Why does your toddler say no to everything — even things they usually do without a problem? In this episode, Dr. Cathryn explains the “you-can’t-make-me” reflex — a very normal (and healthy) stage of toddler development that often gets mistaken for defiance. You’ll learn: • Why toddler resistance is about development, not disrespect • What’s happening inside your child’s brain when “no” comes out fast • The situations that make resistance worse (and why) • What not to do if you want cooperation • Simple, big-hearted ways to guide your child through resistance without power struggles If mornings feel like constant pushback and you’re wondering, “Why is everything so hard?” — this episode will help you see your toddler differently and respond with more calm and confidence. RESOURCES: The Big-Hearted School Of Parenting membership Toddlers Made Easy - a sweet & smart online course Follow Dr. Cathryn on Instagram Sign up for our newsletter RESOURCES Toddlers Made Easy online course Potty Training Made Easy online course Help Your Child Fall Asleep Independently mini-class Toddlers Made Easy book 200 Big-Hearted Scripts FREE GUIDE: 5 Must-Dos Before Starting Potty Training And don’t forget to follow Dr. Cathryn on Instagram.

## Transcript

[0:07] SPEAKER_00: Welcome to toddlers Made Easy.
[0:09] SPEAKER_00: I'm Dr.
[0:10] SPEAKER_00: Catherine, pediatrician and mom of four, and I'm here to make parenting easier.
[0:15] SPEAKER_00: No fluff, we're just going to talk about what works.
[0:18] SPEAKER_00: And today we're going to talk about something every parent of a toddler bumps into, and that's that automatic no, that refusal that pops out before they even hear what you've got to say.
[0:30] SPEAKER_00: A mum shared this story with me recently.
[0:33] SPEAKER_00: She said, one morning in February, I was in the usual preschool scramble, backpack, snacks, boots.
[0:39] SPEAKER_00: It was freezing out.
[0:41] SPEAKER_00: Full winter, and I held out my daughter's hat and gloves, and she looked at me like I'd offered her a dead rat.
[0:48] SPEAKER_00: I'm not cold.
[0:49] SPEAKER_00: Well, I started with logic, but it's cold outside, sweetheart.
[0:53] SPEAKER_00: I moved to warnings.
[0:54] SPEAKER_00: You'll be freezing at Rhesus.
[0:56] SPEAKER_00: And then I shifted into pleading.
[0:57] SPEAKER_00: You'll get frostbite, please.
[1:00] SPEAKER_00: She stood there in full protest, arms crossed, absolutely not putting them on.
[1:06] SPEAKER_00: Now if you're dealing with this ten times before breakfast, I see you and I hear you.
[1:12] SPEAKER_00: These moments make normal routines feel like climbing Mount Everest.
[1:17] SPEAKER_00: This reflex isn't really about defiance, although it sure feels like it.
[1:22] SPEAKER_00: It's not really about disrespect either, and it's not manipulation.
[1:26] SPEAKER_00: It's really development.
[1:28] SPEAKER_00: You see, between the ages of 18 and 36 months, toddlers hit a stage called separation individuation.
[1:35] SPEAKER_00: And this is when they start to understand, you're you and I'm me.
[1:40] SPEAKER_00: And that tiny awareness pops up when kids say, No, I'm not putting my shoes on.
[1:46] SPEAKER_00: Or no, I don't want to bath, or no, I'm not leaving the park, or no, for no reason at all.
[1:53] SPEAKER_00: It's not that your child is really trying to give you a hard time.
[1:57] SPEAKER_00: It's more that they're just discovering that they're a separate person.
[2:01] SPEAKER_00: Every no is your toddler testing out their own agency, and they're testing it out in the one place where they feel safe enough to try it, and that's with you.
[2:11] SPEAKER_00: You see, inside your toddler's brain, there are two systems developing at different speeds.
[2:17] SPEAKER_00: There's the reactive emotional system, you know, the part that says no, that part's fully online, and I'm sure you know that all too well.
[2:25] SPEAKER_00: But that logical, self-regulating system, the part that helps them stop and think, that one is still under construction.
[2:33] SPEAKER_00: So the resistance comes out instantly.
[2:36] SPEAKER_00: The reasoning comes later, much later.
[2:39] SPEAKER_00: This is a healthy sign of growth and not a sign that you're too soft on your kids or that there's a parenting failure.
[2:47] SPEAKER_00: This reflex shows up more intensely when you're a toddler, when you hear a direct command, when you feel rushed or pressured, when you're pulled out of something you're really enjoying, when you get too many directions at once, or when you're hungry, tired, or overstimulated.
[3:03] SPEAKER_00: None of this means you're doing anything wrong.
[3:06] SPEAKER_00: There are a few things that almost always make resistance worse.
[3:10] SPEAKER_00: Pushing back against your child's no, taking the no personally, punishing your child for resisting, or jumping into the power struggle.
[3:20] SPEAKER_00: When adults escalate, toddlers don't back down, they double down.
[3:26] SPEAKER_00: So let's look at what actually helps.
[3:29] SPEAKER_00: First of all, be sure that the expectations are age appropriate.
[3:34] SPEAKER_00: Too high expectations are just setting yourselves up for conflict and failure.
[3:40] SPEAKER_00: Your calm and confident response tells your toddler, sweetheart, you can voice your opinion and I can handle this.
[3:48] SPEAKER_00: And it lowers the intensity.
[3:50] SPEAKER_00: When you invite cooperation instead of demand it, by saying something like, Coat time, do you want to put your coat on or should I help?
[3:59] SPEAKER_00: You see, you're still leading, but in a way that protects your child's need for autonomy.
[4:04] SPEAKER_00: You could also just say something like, Hey sweetheart, how can I help you get your shoes on or get your coat on?
[4:11] SPEAKER_00: Or how can I help you get out the door?
[4:14] SPEAKER_00: Acknowledge your child's experience.
[4:17] SPEAKER_00: You could say something like, It's hard to stop playing when you're having fun.
[4:21] SPEAKER_00: That one simple sentence, it really helps your toddler to feel understood, which softens that resistance.
[4:28] SPEAKER_00: Now, sometimes you need to pause or step back.
[4:31] SPEAKER_00: If that reflex is really fully activated, say something like, I can see you're not ready, let's try again in a few minutes.
[4:39] SPEAKER_00: And this just gives their nervous system a few moments to settle down.
[4:43] SPEAKER_00: Here's what I actually did with my own four kids and what I still recommend to parents today.
[4:49] SPEAKER_00: I used to say something like, Wow, you really know what you want, and that is fantastic.
[4:56] SPEAKER_00: And then I'd pause and let them feel heard, and then I'd shift to, okay, now let's get your boots on.
[5:03] SPEAKER_00: And here's the key part that a lot of parents miss.
[5:06] SPEAKER_00: I didn't just stand there waiting for cooperation to magically appear.
[5:10] SPEAKER_00: I'd actually help make it happen.
[5:13] SPEAKER_00: I'd get down on their level, guide their foot towards their boot, and stay connected through the process.
[5:18] SPEAKER_00: Maybe I'd tell a little story while I'm doing it.
[5:21] SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I'd do playfulness to shift the energy entirely.
[5:24] SPEAKER_00: I'd say, let's see if I can get your shoes on before I count to ten.
[5:28] SPEAKER_00: Or I bet these boots are gonna zoom on to your feet.
[5:32] SPEAKER_00: Ready?
[5:32] SPEAKER_00: Set?
[5:33] SPEAKER_00: Let's go.
[5:34] SPEAKER_00: And suddenly the task wasn't something being done to them.
[5:38] SPEAKER_00: It was something we were doing together, maybe even having fun doing it.
[5:43] SPEAKER_00: With one of my kids, I'd pretend the boots were rocket ships.
[5:46] SPEAKER_00: With another, we'd sing a little song we made up.
[5:49] SPEAKER_00: It didn't have to be elaborate, it just had to break the tension and bring us back into connection.
[5:55] SPEAKER_00: This approach, like knowledge, redirect, and then help them through it with warmth and playfulness, it became my go-to move.
[6:03] SPEAKER_00: It honored their need to be heard without letting the resistance derail what actually needed to happen.
[6:09] SPEAKER_00: And this isn't something that gets much attention, but it's so important when it comes to toddlers.
[6:15] SPEAKER_00: Actively helping your child follow through is how you sidestep power struggles.
[6:20] SPEAKER_00: You're not forcing compliance, you're facilitating cooperation.
[6:26] SPEAKER_00: Now, this is the part I never want parents to miss.
[6:29] SPEAKER_00: Your toddler's resistance is not a sign that you're losing control.
[6:34] SPEAKER_00: It's a sign they're growing and building their voice.
[6:38] SPEAKER_00: When you hold the limit and make room for their voice, you encourage your child's ability to stand up for themselves, to have a strong voice, the ability to say no to pressure, to unsafe situations, to people who don't have their best interests at heart.
[6:55] SPEAKER_00: And with that, I want to encourage you to keep up the good work.
[6:59] SPEAKER_00: You're doing better than you think, and I'll see you next week.

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